Lord Ferg: not standing on a touchline near you soon. Photograph: Lindsey Parnaby/EPA

UNITED MARCH ON AS LORD FERG IS GIVEN A FIVE-MATCH TOUCHLINE BAN

So onwards Manchester United go, creeping forward like a maimed cockroach, ugly and unloved yet grudgingly respected. Last night they took on the French champions without their preferred centre-backs, lost their right-back in the first half and had to let Nani trudge off for another little sob, yet still Sir Alex Ferguson's defiant charges progressed into the next round, thanks only in part to poxy finishing by their opponents.

"It's infuriating," gnashed Marseille manager Didier Deschamps. "I have the feeling that we let slip a real opportunity to pull off a fabulous achievement," he fumed anew. "But I saw United do the same thing against Arsenal on Saturday - win despite having fewer chances - so you can't deny they are clinical, and we weren't," concluded the pint-sized gaffer as he watched striker Andre-Pierre Gignac attempt to punch the ground in frustration but instead hit his own foot.

Key to that clinicalness/clinicism/clinicity/clinicality (delete as grammatically correct) is Mexican pea-shooter Javier Hernandez, who, having joined United for just £6m last summer, is emerging as one of the signings of the season, a surefire goal-getter with a keener understanding of the offside law than Pippo Inzaghi and a better barnet than Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. Amusingly, Hernandez could have been playing in France rather than England, since Paris Saint-Germain were offered the chance to sign him before United … but turned him down on the grounds that the asking price was suspiciously low, a brilliantly stereotypical piece of Parisian reasoning.

As for brilliantly stereotypical Ferguson reasoning, well, United's manager has offered plenty of that again this season. And the Scot's bitter outburst against referee Martin Atkinson following United's defeat at Chelsea earlier this month this afternoon resulted in swingeing action: a five-match touchline ban and a 30k fine, which will be music to the ears of the many Rafa Benitez-alikes who believe Ferguson is a law to himself. The ears of whichever poor unfortunates Ferguson ends up sitting beside for the duration of his imminent ban are, by contrast, likely to be assailed by fruity oaths.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"It was a truly horrible moment, when I conceded the goal I wanted to leave right away, to go straight to Milan by foot, or even on horseback" - Julio Cesar poetically explains his blunder in last night's game against Bayern. The Fiver can't imagine many British keepers being as eloquent.

GOOD LUCK, CAPTAIN MARVEL

Bryan Robson, arguably the finest English footballer of his generation and a fearsome box-to-box midfielder in his prime, is battling cancer. Robson, who is currently Thailand's national team manager, underwent an operation to remove a tumour from his throat on 3 March in a Bangkok hospital, a spokesman for Manchester United confirmed today.

The Fiver could enter into the usual blandishments about how Robson's battling qualities as a player should help him in his fight with the illness but the truth is that cancer kills the strong as well the weak, takes brave people but leaves cowards. What we can do though is concentrate on the facts - and the United spokesman confirmed that Robson's surgeons say the condition is "treatable" and that he is well enough to continue his day-to-day duties.

"At this moment, Bryan is fine to continue with his role as Thailand coach and his role as ambassador of Manchester United. Bryan and family have requested that he can continue with his treatment in private and ask that their privacy is respected."

The Fiver would struggle to fit all Robson's honours into four paragraphs but the highlights include helping United to two Premier League titles, three FA Cups and the European Cup Winners' Cup. He also made 90 appearances for England - it would have been many more but for injuries - 65 of which were as captain. Robson's managerial career has been derided, often by the Fiver, but it would be churlish not to mention that in 1997 his Middlesbrough side reached both the FA Cup and League Cup finals. Millions of football fans around the world are hoping he can add the title of cancer survivor to his list of achievements.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Good on Richard Paley (yesterday's Fiver letters) for having the courage to take a stand and highlight the London-based media's willful ignorance of Manchester United's achievements. Living in the capital as I do, it can be weeks at a time before I see them mentioned in print, or indeed on TV, not to mention anyone in a replica shirt (they really ought to push those more). But perhaps this is a time for self-reflection as well? Maybe if the club, its managers, its players and most of all its fans were a bit less bashful and attention-shy, we might all notice them more often?" - David Hopkins.

"Re. Yesterday's cheap (read hilarious) joke at the expense of lovely Vanessa Paradis: may I point Paul Doyle towards Nessa's eponymously-titled third album which was actually quite good (in parts). Whether this had anything to do with the fact that she was romantically involved with Lenny Kravitz (who wrote, produced and performed on the LP) at the time I shall leave up to you" - James Thompson (and approximately 100,057 other Vanessa Paradis fans).

"Martin Blogg (yesterday's Fiver letters) might have missed the memo revoking the memo, but you can sort of forgive his ignorance given that Portsmouth going belly up meant that they never got a Uefa license for this season, whilst in the previous season Everton qualified via the league anyway. Rest assured though, one of Bolton or Stoke are going to be in Europe next season, one way or another"

BITS AND BOBS

Kenny Dalglish expects Braga defender Kaka to be disciplined for his elbow on Andy Carroll. "Regarding Andy Carroll and impact, the biggest impact was what I was asked about after the game about him getting caught with the elbow from Kaka," said Dalglish, with admirable contempt for the basics of syntax. "If there is no retribution from Uefa it will be a real surprise for me."

Firewall FC are looking for a new manager after they dismissed Ian Baraclough. The club are currently third from bottom in the Championship, four points off safety.

And an injury crisis may force Manchester United into playing John O'Sh ... Michael Carrick in defence. "It did get a mention in the changing room," said Carrick, sounding like he was talking about something way more interesting. "I said to Mike Phelan, 'I don't fancy that again'."