pants

As a youngster I used to have a recurring dream where I would turn up to school not wearing any trousers. I’d panic until I’d realise it was only a dream and then go back to sleep.

Does somebody want to have a word with the girl from the M & S adverts that walks around in her bra and pants, whilst twiggy and co are fully clothed, that not only is it not a dream but it was actually filmed and shown around the country. Maybe she wakes up in a cold sweat having dreamt she turned up to work wearing trousers?

When a crime is committed you often see the neighbours of the criminal interviewed by the local news channel.

He was ever so quiet. You never think he’d do such a thing.

He’d never hurt a fly.

However even Columbo couldn’t have dragged this one out for the full hour.

Ex-mayor Ian Stafford charged with stealing women’s underwear

It’s hard to think of a face that looks more likely to steal knickers.

If you asked a class of 4 year olds what a pant thief would look like they would scribble a stick-man with that face.

A policeman asked to pick the most grundie-stealing feature for each part from his identikit box would construct that face.

If a photo of that face were fired into space, six million years from now a crystal based life-form would look at it’s unfamiliar shape and deduce it was from a creature that took undercrackers without permission.

To be honest it’s the mayor part that I find more shocking than the pant stealing.

It wasn’t the notice pointing out that the gym was stopping filling the shampoo dispensers right next to the shiny, new machine selling shampoo that just happened to spring up about the same time they stopped filling the dispensers.

It wasn’t the ripped pair of pants that seem to be discarded in the changing room on a weekly basis. I’m not sure if lots of men are wearing pants that are dangerously close to collapse and that a vigorous workout is a sufficient tipping point. Or it might be one man whose ball sweat has the chemical structure as concentrated acid. Whoever the owners of these pants were they had decided, as always, the best place to put broken pants isn’t in the gym changing room bin, or to hide them in a sports bag to be disposed of at home but to leave them in a crumpled heap on the floor so others may gaze on their sweaty, broken majesty.

It wasn’t the men who don’t have that little voice inside their heads. The little voice that says, “we all like chatting with friends, who doesn’t, however most of us don’t do it less then one foot away from said friend, talking loudly, naked, hands on hips with cock thrust proudly forwards.”

That man was there, mid-way between the abandoned pants and the shampoo vending machine but he wasn’t the problem either. The problem was on the bench right next to where I had placed my bad. Here in the middle of a busy men’s changing room was an empty box. The box itself wasn’t worrying, the words on the box however were.

“Sports Bra”

My mind raced with the possibilities. Somewhere in this building could well be a very short-sighted women. A women so short-sighted that she hadn’t seen the large, rather torn, pants or seen the man’s cock despite his best thrusting efforts. She had managed to get changed without noticing any of this and had then gone training. Worse, still she could now be showering and about to return to right next to where I was standing.

Even worse, it could be a man. A man so large his body required the support of a sports bra while exercising. A man of that size coming back from a run, dripping in sweat, pulling back his shirt to reveal his moobs straining at a bra was not a sight I wanted to see.

Worse still was now the possibility that someone would come and get changed next to me, see the box and assume I like wearing bras. I don’t and if I did I think I’d go for a lacy little number with a pretty bow on it, but I don’t and anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

I was tempted to use the camera in my phone to capture proof of this box. I then realised the one thing worse than all of that would be a man taking a picture of a box with a bra on it whilst a man stands in the background thrusting his cock about.