jumping into the blogging world - 2 feet first, eyes wide shut!
Mostly I want a medium to talk (to myself or other people) about my addiction to food. I'm about to embark on a journey through Overeaters Anonymous - I also want a way to keep a commentary as I struggle to find the way to a healthier me.

Pages

Monday, May 31, 2010

1 - you planned a meal around a binge. Chips is a biggie for me - when I want chips I usually plan a meal around it - hamburgers, sandwiches, something that GOES with chips. Then I eat the chips while I'm preparing, put chips with my "meal" and then get seconds while I still have "meal" on my plate. Then - there's that leftover bag and that gets eaten in the kitchen while everyone else is watching TV and the bag disappears.
2 - you take the longer way home because you want to finish off "xyz" from the grocery store. This is for when you buy the king size or large bag. I can scarf a normal size candy bar in the .5 miles from grocery to home. But larger than a normal candy bar and I take a route that goes away from home before it goes to home. And because I haven't committed to what time I'll be home, nobody is the wiser. Except chocolate breath - that's my 'tell'.
3 - secret eating: storing food 'hidden' in the house. This doesn't usually last too long for me - but for foods I can't finish in the car on the way home, they get 'stashed' until I have an opportunity to eat them. And there's not much else I can think of until they're all gone. Food has kept me awake at night.
4 - Justifying the 'sale': buy 2, get 2 free - I mean, I'm buying one, so all I have to do is buy one more and I get FOUR - I mean, mathmatically, that's pure genius, right? And I'm all about frugal - and my addicted brain is happy to do that math. Buy one get one free. I mean, FREE people - free food has no calories, right? And why are apples never buy one get one free - or bananas - or any fruits or vegetables? Only chips, sod, and candy. Or at least it seems like it to me!
5 - the illusion of control: I will only have 2 cookies. Only 2 more. Ok - one more and then I'm done...hey, wait - who ate all the cookies? Couldn't have been me, I only had 2...at a time...right?
6 - it's healthy, so eating a LOT doesn't count. This is one only an addict understands. Brocolli is good for you. 2 pounds of broccolli is compulsive eating. Same for sugar free pudding, watermelon, cucumber, ground turkey, etc.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

than to keep Costco quantities of trigger foods in my house. I have no self control. ARGH! We're leaving for 2 days in about 30 minutes. I WILL eat healthy while we're gone (baseball tournament) and I will run. I will return to my house of goodies and purge this crap OUT of here!
And I will start reading my OA book and making a point of working the steps. Today I will not eat (any more) unhealthy food.

I'm worth it - and if I say it often enough I might start believing it.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Ok. So tonight I planned on running. Came home, sat down for little while. Forced myself to get up and put on my running clothes. Went out the front door...was NOT feeling it. Came back inside disppointed. Sat down. Got up, changed shoes, pulled out the spinner (stationary bike) and put a scary movie on. Biked for 1 hour 3 minutes. about 1 hour 2 min. in I decided I was going to put in a mile run afterwards - in triathalon training it's called a "brick". It's meant to simulate the transition from one event to another. From swim to bike or from bike to run. Doing a brick teaches you just how it feels - in this case my legs were JELLO from the biking. But I ran. One mile. in 12 min. 42 seconds - not too shabby!!

But better than that - I broke my streak of "nothing". And I had a good dinner, one piece of flatbread pizza and a large tomato salad (no pictures, sorry). About 200 calories total. And now I'm snacking on shrimp for a good protein for desert!

And don't watch the movie "The Collector" while trying to bike. I had my hands in front of my face more than on the handlebars!! EEEKKK - gorry similar to Saw movies...

Ok - time to shower and hit the couch for the evening - thanks everyone for your support - vocal, silent, or otherwise. It really does help. If I can't run for me - then I'll run for YOU!! *hugs*

I'm in a slump and I don't know why. I haven't been running - I've been sitting, a lot. My food's been ok, not perfect, but not bad. But I haven't been TRYING. It's like I got past 200 and my brain is ready to celebrate. It doesn't realize I'm not done!! I have races coming up - less than a month until I will be running a half marathon for crying out loud!
So tonight - I run. And no snacking. NO MORE CAPTAIN CRUNCH. Yes. Sorry. Not sure why I'm apologizing but I feel like I've let myself - and people using me as inspiration - down.

But tonight - I will run. And tomorrow will be meal planning, grocery shopping (and cooking for another open house - feeding 300+ people!!).

And tomorrow I will blog about my first OA meeting. Preview: I was a little disappointed in the format but went there with some pretty high expectations. I will be going back. Not this weekend - we've got an out of town baseball tournament - but next weekend I will be there!!

Ok. So I confessed. Now for the accountibility part. That's what this blog is for. Accountibility.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Ok - so first a confession: I'm still weighing every day. I just can't stop!! end. of. story.

So instead I'm going to learn to not let the number affect me as much. *shrug* trying something new, that's what this is all about right?

So - this week I've been sitting firmly at 200.0 - day and in and day out. So close!!

Friday morning, I got on the scale and WOOT WOOT: 199.0
I was pretty excited - it finally looks like I've lost weight. I mean - duh - I've lost weight. But that 1 in front, that really hit home with me. It validated my efforts.

I know I know - I shouldn't be so tied to a number. Call the direct line to my brain and tell *IT* that for me, please. Unfortunately that number's unlisted - even to me.

I am going to try something new. I will be doing self affirmations every day. I will find 5 nice things to say about the person staring me back in the mirror. I will do it out loud. And I will be sincere.
I want to be like this girl:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg
(heehee)

Saturday morning, the scale was still under 200 - same Sunday - and same today.

I spent part of the weekend going through my clothes. I now have a large bag of clothes to donate - they just do NOT fit anymore. I have a closet full of clothes that fit - and flatter. And I have a box of clothes that I WILL wear as I drop more pounds. I won't wear baggy clothes, I will have pride in my appearance.
Fake it until you make it, right?

Now, don't get me wrong, I know I'm working hard and I'm seeing the results. I'm still struggling with allowing myself to take the credit for it, I still don't feel entirely worthy of the praise. But I'm working on it.

Our pastor talked this weekend about forgiveness. About making a list of the people who have hurt you. There were 3 steps. Identify the people and write them down. then you determine what they owe you. Your childhood, a sum of money, an apology. whatever it is, write it down. The third step - and this is the one that was like a sucker punch - was to cancel their debt. Cross it out. You cannot force them to pay - justice is not yours. Justice will come, but not from you. Powerful message. I'm not sure why anyone else came to church on Sunday, surely that message was only for me, right? ;)

Interestingly - and timely - was the fact that at the first OA meeting I went to, they read step 9 out loud. Now, I'm not there yet...obviously...but step 9 is the making amends one. About identifying the people you've harmed with your addiction and making amends. I saw the similarity on Sunday when I heard the pastor's talk: Same message, different source. I hear you loud and clear Lord, thank you.

Stay tuned for more news on the OA meeting - back to work with me for now!

1 - DONE! Of course I'm really excited!! WOOHOO!!
2 - well, I don't drink so (a) is out...(c) I dont' quite understand...(d) I don't have a camera to do a vlog and (e) I can barely operate my lungs in the morning - trying to add a camera to that might end up in disaster
so (b) Write about your most embarassing moment it is!
when I was a teenager, I was curious about different religions. So, with my mom's blessing, I would spend Sundays visiting different churches. Randomly more or less, I was just searching.
There was a church near our house that I had been to a couple of time - I don't recall the denomination anymore. But I liked it - I liked how the services went and the messages. And one Sunday the pastor announced that there was a ceremony that day for people who wants to 'join' the church.
Well, I felt like he was speaking to me and was kind of excited - so as people started to filter up to the front, I went up too. My mind was made up - I wanted to be a "member"!
As I was standing up there - in front of a large crowd, feeling joyous about joining, someone came up behind me and quietly informed me that this wasn't a random ceremony - that you had to take classes and such to go through this ceremony. I nearly died. I had to - in front of everyone and feeling deflated, slink back to my seat. My sense of "belonging" swung 180 degrees and suddenly I didn't just want out of there, I wanted GONE. I had to sit there feeling all eyes on me (which in reality they weren't...) while the 'members' went through their ceremony of 'joining'.
When services were over, I couldn't get out of there fast enough. And I never went back. And that level of embarassment has never been trumped in the 30ish years since.

and finally - 3. Pass this award along! Happily so!!Keelie is ROCKING the life changes and the weight loss is following!!Laura doesn't just have a cool name, but I always look forward to her posts!266 who's introspection and discoveries floor me - and 120 pounds gone, she is living life to the fullest and continues to take chances and make changes for the better!Skinny Me is another blog I get excited when there's new posts - always something inspiring there!!

Ok - I could keep going...really I could!!

Thanks to everyone who, whether you know it or not, inspire me to keep on trying, even when I fall down.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I made a phone call. To the leader of the Saturday OA group. Let me just say I'd rather give a speech on a topic I know nothing about to the city of Seattle standing stark naked than make a phone call to someone that I've never met. But I screwed up my courage and called him. Found out which door to go into on Saturday and asked that if he saw someone wandering the parking lot to try and drag me in. so now I've committed to y'all and to him. And to myself.

I'm going. End. Of. Story.

*phew*

Off to finish watching The Biggest Loser...the contestants are home and binging. Interesting. Shows they're human. I was beginning to doubt it.
There's a lesson in that.

Monday, May 17, 2010

As a "big girl" the first thing I look for is how many runners there are as big or bigger than me. It's just what I do. At a 5k, there are usually a number of women bigger than me and many my size. Today that wasn't the case. Apparently adding 3k eliminates a lot of plus size runners. I did not see anyone my size. My husband told me there were a few other big girls running - but I didn’t' see them. Talk about a head trip - I was really nervous!

The announcer released my group and we're off!

Less than a quarter mile in, I realized that I may not have thought this race all the way through. Let me just mention, I'm scared of heights. I used to be terrified of heights - now I'm just scared. I mostly do fine with them but bridges still can bring on a panic attack for me. The name of this race: Beat the Bridge. Um. Like I said, I may have overlooked part of the planning this race out.

So less than a quarter mile from the start, there's a bridge - not THE Bridge - but A bridge. And it's my worst nightmare - I'm SURROUNDED by runners, there are no options, and the bridge is constructed of grating. Probably 2"x2" grating that I can see straight through.

*panic attack ensues*

My body STOPS. I had to force it to keep moving forward (or risk being trampled!). My heart rate soars - if I had to guess it was 200+. My lungs stop working, my vision blurs, and it takes ALL of my energy to keep moving, breathing, and not give in to this panic attack. And there's one bridge to go. But I focus on running - making progress - meeting my goal. It took the rest of the first mile to get my senses back under control.

I was more prepared for the second bridge - and it was the bridge I had to cross to "beat the bridge". it's a drawbridge that they raise 20 minutes after the last group leaves. And I made it - I crossed it before they lifted it! And I'm now about 2.25 miles, nearing the half way point and I'm still on time to meet my goals!

While I've been training, my mile times are between 13-15 min. per mile. Today's goal was to finish in less than 1hour10 minutes. Roughly a 14 min. mile pace. And I wanted to run the entire race - no walking.

Rounding the corner for the last stretch (1.5 miles to go) I see my husband scanning the crowd for me - I wave my arms to get his attention but keep on running - I've got goals! I call him quickly to let him know I've passed him and how much I've got left.

With a mile left to go, I'm struggling but determined. I'm trying to keep pace with the runners around me - and I'm still getting passed by some super fit athletes. But I keep going! The finish line is ahead - somewhere. I can't see it and I'm not familiar with the course - but I'm past the 4 mile marker so I know its coming. Slight incline around the back of the stadium and my brain is SCREAMING for me to walk - I'm tired - beat - out of gas. Running through the stadium parking lot and behind the back of the stadium, I'm trying to figure out WHERE the finish line could possibly be. My music station (Pandora rocks!) changes songs and I can see the finish line. The final song? "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor. I try and put on a last minute kick - a finish line sprint - I see the time on my watch and I'm amazed. I scan the crowd looking for my husband - spot him with his blackberry facing the sky behind me - what the heck? But ok, there's usually a finish line photographer and I'll have to find out what he's thinking later. Right now I'm single minded....FINISH LINE DEAD AHEAD.

As I cross the finish mat, I stop my stop watch, make my way to the chip bucket, drop my timing chip in - check my watch again, and try not to cry with joy. It's all I can do to stay standing but I want my husband - this joy is his to share. And what was he taking a picture of as I ran in the stadium??

We find each other and he's beaming. First thing out of his mouth: "anyone can have a picture of crossing the finish line - I have a video of you on the JumboTron!!"

Yup - he was videoing me on the jumboTron as I came in the stadium!! He's so awesome. *waving* Hi Honey!! He's my biggest fan...as it should be! :)

As far as my goals go?

Well, I did NOT walk one bit. I ran all 8k (5 miles) but I didn't finish in 1:10:00

I DID finish in 59:13

That's right - FIVE MILES IN UNDER AN HOUR!! I'm so over the moon - my training is paying off - I love seeing results!!
Next race is another 5K on 6/6, I want to get under 35 minutes. I'm determined!!

Then - 6/25 - my A race, the half marathon.

Now I'm signed up for a sprint tri in Sept. and I'm debating between a half marathon in November but have to decide, local or travel to Malibu and run the 13.1 miles on the coast highway!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

so - to recap my goals:
So - today - 12 mile training run. *check*I did 10 miles - ran out of time.

Tomorrow - day off to grocery shop, meal plan, run, take care of business *sort of check* I got a lot done for my husband, some laundry, made it to the post office - didn't get MY stuff done but was busy all day long (I could really use more Friday's off - it was glorious!)

Saturday - errands, OA, double header baseball game and pick up race packet *well, sigh* I got up at 4am to get my husband out the door - he was volunteering for a local car club - fell back asleep just in time for him to barge in and rummage around - he couldn't find his wallet. Fell back asleep and woke to the alarm - headed down to our shop to let a friend in - he was working there for the day. Goofed around on the office computer while waiting (I was early). Headed home for another hour sleep before leaving for OA meeting. Woke up by husband telling me that the webpage that I shut down on the computer was VITAL to the painter so I threw my sweats back on, headed back down and then back home. It's now 8am. And I'm supposed to be LEAVING for the OA meeting.

Jumped in the shower, covered the basics, and ran out the door dripping but dressed. Figured I would still go - just be a little late. I'm pulling up the map on my phone only to realize I have like 9% battery left. nearly there and I get a FRANTIC phone call from my son - his sister's going to be late for driver's ed. She shows up on call waiting and I hang up on my son just to get angry and yell at her. Now I'm in tears. What a morning. I find the building, clean up my face, and try to find the entrance. The meeting is already 15 minutes underway, I'm absolutely terrified of walking in and I walk around the entire building trying to figure out which entrace I could use.

I'm in tears again (what the heck - I'm NOT a cryer?!). I end up back in my car just sobbing. I'm so frustrated, angry, disappointed, and in full victim mode. I'm so frustrated with giving 100% to making sure everyone else gets what they need. I'm so angry that I can't seem to express how important my needs are. I'm disappointed because I realize *I* don't put myself first. And victim mode? In my house, PMS stands for "Pity Me Syndrom"

I got the crying under control (OMG - I'm NOT a cryer!!) and I headed home. Here's a great positive though - I did NOT want food. Just the opposite. I had no appetite and I reconized that I wasn't hungry. I drove past several convinience stores and fast food places and didn't have to talk myself out of going. I headed home and went back to bed. Slept until 11 (it was 9:30 by the time I got back home again) and then ran my son to baseball, got lost and enjoyed it, finally picked up my race packet, and back to the baseball game. I missed most of the first game but given that it was a double header, I wasn't in any hurry. So - 2 games later and I'm at home, eating a high carb dinner (YUM) and looking up info for tomorrow's race. On the schedule for tomorrow - Race, manicure, pedicure and maybe even a nap!! then church. All things I WANT to do and only for ME!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

For the past week, I've been exhausted. Like 9 hours of sleep at night, 2.5 hour nap, another 10 hours at night - exhausted.

By 5pm my eyes feel like I've been swimming all day, watched 3 sad movies, and then fell asleep with my contacts in - I can't keep my eyes open!!

On top of that - when I do sleep - I'm dreaming!! Like epic long dreams!! Crazy stuff - stuff that doesn't really relate to life, just random dreams (Last night's was that I was hired to - um - 'entertain' William and Harry - as in England's princes. where did THAT come from?!)

Nutrition related? Stress related? I'm not sure. I need to figure it out though.

Now the chicken/egg dilema: I haven't been running for 5 days now. I've been too tired. I tried on Sunday - ran about 3 blocks before turning around and walking home. I then took a nap. The kind where you wake up and you're not sure what decade it is.

So - I'm going to throw a wrench into things. Today I'm upping my protein intake (and my calories just enough) and I'll do my scheduled long run tonight (12 miles). We'll see how it goes.

I'll either get my groove back or I'll slip into a 3 day coma.

In other news - I've got my Saturday JAM packed but it does include the OA meeting. I have to get my motorcycle fixed between now and then to be able to zip between all the stuff I have to do but it's do-able.

And I ordered another pair of running shoes (for $60 vs. $100!) so now I'm 'indebted' to myself to get up and get running. I've got a goal - I'm going to track my total miles and attempt to virtually run from my house to the lake where my husband proposed to me - it's 581 miles total and I'm 135 miles into the trip. I figure approx 20 miles a week training I will finish in 23 weeks. Mid October. Which - coincidentally, is about when I'm hoping to reach my goal weight (averaging 2 pounds a week loss).

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

well - I'm still not able to stay off the scale - but it's keeping me sane right now. I've been in a slump in the running department - I took 4 days off. I've got my running stuff with me today and plan to run tonight. Part of my slump has been I've been exhausted - it's a chicken/egg thing. I haven't been able to sleep well, because I'm not exercising or because I was? I'm not sure. Either way...I'm baaaack!

From a food point of view, I've been doing surprisingly well. I haven been only mentally tracking and I haven't stayed away from sugar but I have been under control. Not even 'relatively' under control - but truly having a good food week. This Saturday I'm trying to clear up my schedule for the OA meeting - it's never simple, my calander looks like I'm scheduling a full work team of 10 but it's only me.

There's just SO much to do! work is slow right so at least there's not a lot of added stress about adding more time in my day for overtime and late schedule - but hopefully that's coming and not the reverse. There's rumors of reduced hours and part of me is hoping that's the case, more time to get stuff outside of work done, less time sitting idle at work.

Meanwhile - I haven't been reaching deep inside myself, I've just been rambling along. That needs to change!!

I've got FIFTY followers now and a obligation to myself to make the changes I know I need to make! I thank you ALL for being my cyber support - it really does make a difference, more than you know!!

Monday, May 10, 2010

So - first of all - today I got dressed and came to work. Just another Monday. Nothing usual there. Until a co-worker commented on how it's time for me to go shopping. So I head into the bathroom and look into the full length mirror.

Sure enough, I look like the incredible shrinking woman. My pants and sweater are too big.

I'm not complaining - this is indeed bragging. It's time to donate some of my stuff. I'm a little scared to. What if...well, I'm sure you all know the paragraph that comes after that. So tonight I will weed through the clothes and donate the too big stuff. I will NOT go back. This journey is about moving forward.

And on the pride note - several people at work know I'm losing weight, most of them know I'm running and participating in races. A few of them know I've done races in the past (triathalons). There's one guy that stopped me in the kitchen awhile back and we were talking about signing up for some races this summer - I hadn't yet started training and certainly hadn't signed up for any races. Since then we've talked a few times - I invited him to come run in the last 5k I did (with my son) and he told me about a duathalon he was doing.

Well, today, he came down to tell me he was excited about signing up for a local triathalon and wondered if I'd done it before - or was going to sign up for it. It's the day before my next 5K (and frankly I haven't done any swim or bike training) so I told him I wasn't going to. We talked "racing" some more - it was all very normal.

Except that he's about 6'-0" and very fit. "Buff" even to quote my co-worker. And he was talking to me like an equal athlete. Me!!

So now I'm grinning like the debate captain going to prom with the football captain. Me!

And that little voice in the back of my head trying to butt in with - oh - whatever - well, today that voice has duct tape over it's mouth. I won't listen. And I'll ride this high for as long as I can.

Now - I have to add that I do have a lot of people in my life who tell me how well I'm doing - and again as many blog followers who's support means the world to me. But sometimes....it's just a random thing.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Secondly - my Friday weigh in - 201.8 *phew*
I'm so close to 199.8! One more pound...
Maybe next Friday!

Lastly - Motherhood trumped OA meeting yesterday. My husband had to work and my son had a baseball game - so I didn't make it ot the meeting. Next week. And I told my husband next Saturday, no matter what, I'm going. *sigh*

In running news - on Friday was my long run. I ran a path around Greenlake in Seattle. The path is 2.8 miles so I had to run 4 laps to get my 11 miles in. My training plan is to run 3 minutes, walk 1 minute but I've been pushing that to see where my limits are. Mostly they're mental. It's still difficult to run - from a muscle point of view. Aerobically, I don't struggle much (someday I'll explain my seriously effed up aerobic system - I can't achieve a heart rate over 120 - no. matter. what.) Anyway...so I did 3/1 intervals for the first lap. Then I figured I would push myself and run the next lap (ok - run is misused, jog is more accurate), and run it I did! Then, lap 3, I figured I would try and run that as well - with the promise of intervals for the final lap. Intervals were going to be my reward! As I rounded lap 3, I told myself, just keep running until the first landmark - a foot bridge. Past that is the theater, then the boathouse, the bathrooms, and then the finish line. I ran ALL OF IT!! I ran 8.4 miles. without intervals! My lungs did fine - my legs hurt!! But I did it!!

And so - while the scale isn't plummeting the way I think it should be, I'm seeing progress. In my running, in my shape, in my 'can do' attitude.

I'm still struggling with food. A lot. A tea cup of crackers is ok when planned for. 3 cups worth because I'm waiting for hubby to get home is NOT ok. And then a whole burrito at our favorite resaturant. Not half like I planned for. Addiction still going strong.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

So in reading the blogs I follow, I ran across this one today. And as I was leaving a comment, I had a long line of thought.
I kept the comment brief - but here's the rest of the thought

She was noticing that she never thought twice about her skinny friends - or how they got that way. She just assumed it was genetic. She's discovering that it's not the case - that many of her skinny friends work to BE skinny, it doesn't just happen. But while they're working on being skinny, it's not always healthy. It's the old "not all calories are created equal" argument.

My line of thinking went along simliar lines in that I'm often envious of other people's eating - they seem to be enjoying it, it doesn't overwhelm them, they don't seem to be obsessed about what they eat. They dig into the pizza at the meeting even while I'm munching on my planned lunch and trying to guess if her jeans are a size 2 or a size 4. But what I may NOT be seeing is that the pizza is the only thing they're eating today - or that they'll balance it out with a longer run/workout tonight. I just assume.

When I did my hypnotherapy session in December, one of the scenes that I saw was an outside restaurant. People were sitting around laughing, smiling, talking, and eating muffins. Big blueberry, poppyseed, and chocolate chip muffins. I was there too. Sitting there, laughing, smiling, talking...and trying to figure out how to eat the giant rock I was holding in my hand. That rock represented the burden that food - and eating - are to me. I want the delight, the joy, the casualness that other people exude when they're eating. I really want to not feel overwhelmed by calorie counting and the food math that I do all day every day.

I want to not feel the isolation that those thoughts leave me with. I always feel like the only one in the room, on the block, in my life, on the planet, with these issues. I feel so alone.

Now, as a reasonably smart person, I know that's not the case. But my inner 12 year old - the one who gets picked last for dodge ball - is screaming about my life being ruined by this ONE aspect. And I realize that I'm NOT alone. I mean - I read other blogs, I talk to friends, I'm not delusional. But it's so isolating and the emotion of lonliness is there.

My blog is one way of me reaching out to other people who feel the same way. To selfishly NOT feel so alone. And maybe have a positive impact on someone else - someone just like me.

My dream is that someday eating healthy, exercising, NOT obessing about food and eating will come naturally. That I won't have the constant battle in my head and that I might start enjoying all that goes with that FREEDOM.

My fear is that it won't ever go away and I'm dreaming the impossible dream.

Under 195 - nope
100 sit ups - didn't even try
Keep working the 12 steps - fell short
Track all food daily - nope, about 70% success
Sign up for May 10K - Beat the Bridge - May 16 *WIN*
Sign up for Summer Tri - not yet
Train daily for Fall 1/2 Marathon - TOTALLY! *WIN*
fit into size goal pants - they fit! snug still but fit better!
Take progress pictures - nope
Make 5 new receipes - I don't think so
Weigh in only 2x a week - not even close.

April wrap up - not so good. I back slid a lot. A didn't track, I didn't cook, I generally struggled a lot. but that's last month. It's May now - a clean slate. And I've got all new goals!

Under 195
Attend 4 or more OA meetings
Track all food daily
Sign up for Summer/Fall tri
Train daily for Fall 1/2 marathon
Take progress pictures
Take and track measurements
cook at home at least 5 days a week
one long bike ride a week (one hour or more - trainer counts)

And now I'll open it up to you guys - I need a goal that helps me build my self esteem - one that teaches me to accept credit for the hard work I've put in. What do you suggest?

so...yesterday wasn't so good. I went to the candy bowl more often than I can even remember (is there a medical chocolate black out?) and I ate a large lunch (leftovers of roast and rice-a-roni). I was in the midst of a slide - and gaining speed. As I realized I was going to have to go out and run (it was a 5.6 mile day - I love how that just rolls off my tongue now!), I decided that all this eating was just plain stupid and I was out of control. So I stopped for a moment and put everything I ate into my tracker. Now here's the part that confuses some people. With my run calories, I was still 300 calories UNDER for the day.
In most people's books - that's a win. For me, it's not just the calories, it's the feelings, the emotions, the "eff it, you're not worth saving" mentality. It's also the sneaking, the obsessing, the utter feeling of loss of control. THOSE are the things I want to "fix". The weight? Sure, it'd be great to weigh less - name ONE woman who doesn't think that. But really I want the head games under control. I want to be able to walk past the candy bowl without a tidal wave of emotions. I want to turn down the leftovers in the office kitchen, I want to grocery shop without the tears.
And it's all up to me. So today is Day 1 (again - I feel pathetic).
I will track every morsal
I will NOT eat candy.
I will stay current on my running plan
I will continue to plan on going to the OA meeting on Saturday.
I will work towards my goals.

So there. And I will post up my goals results for April and my new goals for May later today.

And it's Wonderful Wednesday! How about comments with your favorite quotes!

Monday, May 3, 2010

I called the leader of the OA group I'm going to go to on Saturday. I had a few questions and mainly I wanted a point of contact - someone to 'look' for when I got there. I talked to his wife for a little while, she was able to answer my questions (I'm all about information!) and she gave me her husband's cell phone and I will follow up later this week so that I'm committed to going. I'm excited. And scared. And hopeful. And terrified.
But mostly relieved.
Step 0 - making the decision to just do it.

Meanwhile today's been a chocolate parade at my desk. Several (ok - 8, 9 10?) mini chocolate bars. I'm not proud. And tonight I have to run - 5 miles. And I signed up for another race - a 10k in July. Running is a great way for me to measure my progress without (and sometimes despite!) the scale.

I need to recap my April goals and set some May goals. Maybe tomorrow!

I try not to brag on him too much - makes other partners look bad (just kidding - they're all awesome otherwise you wouldn't have married them, right!?)
Ok - so this morning we were discussing our weekly schedule - who's got what and when. I mentioned that this week I WOULD find an OA meeting to attend but I wasn't sure what night. I breezed through the sentence and expected to move right into the next topic, whatever that was.
Instead - my brilliant, caring, dead sexy husband says to me "Do you want me to go with you?"
*boggle*
See - I told you - awesome. end bragging (for now...)

So - that being said - for those of you who go to OA, do you have support people that come with you? curious minds and all of that...

Saturday, May 1, 2010

What do I see when I look in the mirror?
I see lines starting to form on my forehead.
I see, at 41, the lines all women dread
I see creases when smiles alight.
I see hair too frizzy and never quite right.
I see shoulders too broad and breasts that sag.
I see arms too weak with batwings that bag.
I see a rounded stomach where flat should be.
I see hips too wide for all to see.
I see thighs with bags and knees too fat.
I see calves so large, I hate that.
Not much about the image I see
Makes me happy or jump with glee.
But change is coming – count on this
And someday my image will fill me with bliss.

Ok – corny, I know. But at the root of all of this was something that happened today. When I’m unhappy with myself, I rarely look in the mirror. I have wash and go hair and I don’t wear makeup. I’ve learned to put in contacts without mirrors – if they all were taken out of the house, I wouldn’t miss them, not one bit. I have a very distorted image of myself. I know that. Rationally, I know my brain is like a funhouse mirror and things aren’t nearly as bad as they seem.

Today I saw myself through my husband’s eyes. As we were showering (yes, we shower together – conservation dontchaknow! *wink*) and he starts pointing out on my where my body’s changed. He notices everything. He was happy to narrate his way through all of it: “there’s definitely more curve inward here, less curve outward here, there’s a crease between your legs and your butt, your calves are definitely smaller…” etc. He went on for awhile. And I’ve been savoring his words in my brain all day long. How I wish I could borrow his eyes every now and then and really see myself.

I can take pictures – and even when I’m feeling good about myself, pictures always bring me back down to earth.

One of my biggest goals to for my brain to sync with my image. I want to look like I feel. I want to NOT be shocked when I see pictures of myself. I want to see me how my husband sees me. I want to cherish the image in the mirror, not avoid it.

I’ve found an OA meeting to go to – I chickened out this morning – but my brain is definitely realizing how much help I need. I read an OA blog the other day that mentioned no sugar – ever again. Sugar is definitely one of my triggers and I may not want to admit it but I KNOW it’s something I have to leave behind. For good. That thought sends me immediately into panic mode. But what about birthday cake – what about wedding cake, our first anniversary is this August – what about *fill in the blank*. I sat in my car at the grocery store tonight making my mental shopping list. And crossing chocolate off of it. And crossing it off again as it magically appeared. After several minutes, I finally went in. And ended up with M&M's. I am not in control and need help with this.

This behavior is even MORE evidence that I need OA and I need to get a handle on my addiction.

I’ve been running away from that fact. Literally. I’ve been redirecting my focus on marathon training. I’m not giving up on the training – I’m still determined – but I realize now that there are 2 issues. One is getting healthy physically and the other is dealing with my addiction. Neither task is bigger – or more important – than the other. They go hand in hand.

Next Saturday will be my first OA meeting – I will go. Fears and all.

And before I forget – weigh in this week was 202.4 – down again despite some off track eating. I’m almost disappointed by that. Rewarded for bad behavior. But I’m excited to be closer to 199.