Get To Know Your Transformers

Gigglebot 3000

I haven't seen Transformers 2: This Shit Is Two And A Half Hours Long? and I don't intend to, mostly because I find heavy metal scraps poured directly on my temporal lobe to be an unpleasant experience, and if I wanted to see Megan Fox in the vicinity of giant hulking stupid metal things, I'd just put Maxim next to a microwave. But I do understand that there are lots of new green screens, excuse me, Transformers in this movie, most of which also happen to be broad stereotypes. For example: There's Wheelie, who is a "small radio-controlled truck" and apparently talks like Joe Pesci's character in My Cousin Vinnie. And then there are Skids and Mudflap, one of whom has a gold tooth, and both of whom say things like, "Imma bust a cap in yo ass."

I haven't heard much about the other new transformers/broad stereotypes, which means they must have simply receded into the clanging chaos of Michael Bay's exploded id (aka Transformers 2). Clearly, these other new transformers need better, "better" here meaning "worse," caricatures, catchphrases, and gimmicks if they're going to be a memorable part of Transformers 2 The Streets.

So here are some ideas for more awful, and thus more memorable, Transformer identities:

Gigglebot 3000

Gimmick: The Gigglebot 3000 is a sleek, sexy, fun Transformer—but watch out if she breaks a nail! A total party-bot, after a couple of shots, the Gigglebot 3000 will take her chassis off and flash the whole garage.

Catchphrase: "Math is hard!"

Signore Bruschetta

Gimmick: Living la dolce vita and kicking ass. Signore Bruschetta was originally an Olive Garden delivery van (good product placement), but now he smashes into other Transformers for some unknown reason like they all do. He has a handlebar moustache and lots of chest hair [not pictured].

Catchphrase: "Mamma Mia, thatsa crazy, Optimus Prime!"

The Gardner-Tron

Gimmick: The Gardner-tron is from Honduras or Guatemala or someplace else in Mexico. He has a fiery Latin temper, a horn that plays "La Cucaracha," and industrial hedge-clippers for hands.

Catchphrase: "Donde esta el queso?"

Demi Moore, aka CougarFire

Gimmick: CougarFire used to be Demi Moore. Then she married Ashton Kutcher, melded with one of those kiddie mechanical tiger rides outside a supermarket, and now she's a Transformer that looks like a cougar. When she sees a young, fresh-off-the-assembly-line Audi, look out!

Catchphrase: "Meow!" and "Hi, I'm Demi Moore."

France

Gimmick: Made of thousands of old Peugeots, France is the worst of all the Decepticons. He is snobby, smells like old brie, and would totally surrender to a Nazibot, if one existed.