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Sunday, August 7, 2011

Triggers.

I've gained quite a few followers lately (yay! welcome!) and I need to be upfront about something. And no, this isn't a pity party post. My blog is a record of my life and this is what it is right now.

95% of the time, my blog is happy. My kids, dance, my husband, funny anecdotes...I like to keep things light and fluffy because I like to focus on the positives in my life in general. But. (And this is a big but.) I "suffer" from postpartum depression. Suffer? Am inflicted with? Deal with?

How about handle?

I handle postpartum depression (PPD) every day. Every stinking day. Most days lately are great, some days...not so great. Today is a not so great. Today was filled with triggers for me. Triggers are things/moments/feelings/anything really that makes your PPD flare up.

My triggers are numerous, some worse than others. Memories of an ex boyfriend are a huge trigger for me. The sound of dirtbikes. (I KNOW!) Stress. Dance registration. Thinking about high school. The movie "Down With Love." The list goes on and on. Most are silly, like movies or songs. Others are more serious.

I've also noticed that when I'm unbalanced, I can't control my eating habits. Like I can NOT control it. I am physically hungry ALL THE TIME. I feel famished, like I need to eat constantly. I have no energy to exercise and my legs feel filled with sand. When I am balanced, my eating habits are so much better. I can actually control it and I desire to work out.

When I am unbalanced, I can't sleep. I average maybe 5 hours a night and not consecutively. I get migraines, ocular and normal. I think I am the most ugly person on the face of the planet. I am extremely irritable. The list goes on and the symptoms intensifies as I spiral down.

Thankfully, through good medicine, lots of prayer, talking with my family and allowing myself to rest, I handle my PPD very well. As I said, 95% of my days are great. Lately has been tough, but I know it will swing back up. It always does, because I'm standing on the promises.