That's how the ad should have read for a ''fixer-upper'' home I bought two months ago for $95,000 in a neighborhood of $150,000 homes. Five weeks, three plumbers, one super handyman, numerous frustrations, and about $15,000 later, the house (now worth at least $150,000) was completely renovated and ready for the residents to move in.

LOOK FOR PROFITABLE problems. If buying a home at a below-market price like this interests you, most towns have similar bargains available. The competition from other buyers for these ''handyman specials'' is slight because most home buyers don't want to tackle even minor renovation work.

When the realty agent showed me this boarded-up house, which had been for sale for about seven months, we both could barely stand the stench from the non-working toilets. Before departing, the former residents had torn out walls, written graffiti on the walls, and generally left a mess. The kitchen cabinets were rotted, wiring was hanging out of the kitchen wall, most windows were broken or non-existent, there were holes in the walls, and the entire interior and exterior needed paint.

In other words, this house had ''all the right things wrong.''

Built in the 1950s, it reeked with potential that most prospective buyers couldn't and wouldn't see beyond the dirt and smell.

The seller was a savings and loan that had foreclosed on a $125,000 mortgage in August 1985. After the non-paying resident was evicted, the house stood vacant. It was so bad the S&L's staff appraiser was afraid to inspect it to set an asking price. But it is located in a middle-class neighborhood of generally well-kept homes, so fix-up work would be profitable.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. After my 10 percent down payment offer was accepted by the foreclosing S&L, which financed the 90 percent balance of the purchase price, time was of the essence to make the house inhabitable as quickly as possible.

The first step was to get the utilities turned on. The gas company refused to turn on the gas until repairs were made. When the electricity was turned on, some of the lights worked but others didn't. As the water company turned on the water, I had a plumber standing by to cap off leaky pipes. He was kept busy for hours. Fortunately, he didn't seem to mind the stench from the plugged up toilets he quickly replaced.

The next step was to hire a contractor to handle the structural repairs such as replacing missing walls, installing new aluminum windows, replacing kitchen cabinets, installing tile and carpet flooring, and painting the inside and outside.

Separately, I hired a fence contractor to install a new fence to replace the old eyesore, which was leaning dangerously. Fortunately, no major work such as foundation repairs had to be done.

HIRE THE CONTRACTOR. As dedicated do-it-yourself home handymen know, everything takes twice as long as expected.

Having learned this lesson long ago, I decided to hire the heavy work done and handle only the minor work such as hanging window shades, scrubbing the bathtub, and mowing the lawn (weeds) myself.

After receiving bids from several contractors, I picked the one with the lowest bid. To be sure the job got finished on schedule, I amended the offered contract to provide for a $2,000 penalty if the work was not completed in four weeks. I had previously checked on the contractor's reputation and discovered nothing unfavorable.

Also, I insisted on explicit written details for everything that was to be done. But I forgot a few things, such as who would pay for hauling away the debris (that mistake cost me $150), and who would install the new plumbing fixtures (that oversight set me back $247).

When the fourth week ended and the job was not completed, I decided it was a good time to talk to the contractor about his $2,000 penalty for not finishing on time.

Not wanting to be stuck with an uncompleted job, I decided to be generous by agreeing to pay the $2,000 if the job was completed within one more week. During that final week, miraculously everything got completed and the house now looks tremendous.

THERE ARE LESSONS to be learned. Buying a rundown fixer-upper house can be a very profitable experience. But it's not recommended for those who are afraid to take chances or who can't absorb setbacks.

For example, as the second plumber (the first one quit) was finishing installing new fixtures, he discovered the kitchen drain line was plugged. He unsuccessfully spent more than an hour trying to clean it out.

Fearing the worst, such as cement poured down the drain by the departing evicted residents, I decided to call a company that has never let me down. The plumber took about 10 minutes with a special tool to clean out a wad of hardened dental floss that was blocking the drain. It cost $62, but was well worth it.

With careful planning, a bit of luck, and a cool attitude toward problems that will surely develop, the task of fixing up a fixer-upper house can be very rewarding and profitable.