Unable to prevent illegal activities in certain sites, Thai police are to harness the power of crime to provide much needed and improved police stations.

After a string of failed attempts to raid notorious casino venues in Bangkok, The Metropolitan police have adopted a policy of “Don’t beat ’em, join ’em” by installing police sub-stations in the casinos, en-suite.

The force’s spokesthing, Police Field-Marshal Bakkanda, told us “It’s dangerous for police to venture into certain areas of the city, so it makes sense to have crimes committed inside police stations where we can monitor them safely. This way the gamblers won’t have to post look-outs to see us coming and we get to split the air-conditioning bill. It’s not often you get a win-win situation involving a casino.”

The pilot program involving casinos will, if successful, be expanded to include opium dens, language schools and fake-merchandise warehouses.

Dustin von O’Reilly, chairman of the FDCThai – the Foreign Drinkers’ Club of Thailand – responded with an official statement: “Anything that keeps the police off the streets is fine with us.”

The Tourist Authority of Thailand has announced plans to categorize tourists as they arrive in the country and direct them towards destinations appropriate to their perceived ‘quality’.

Minister of Tourist Conformity, Tingtong Bakpakka, told us in an elusive interview “We’re adopting electoral practices from Germany, considering buying trains from Germany, now we’d like to adopt practices from the holiday camps Germany set up in Poland during the war. The aliens can be streamed on arrival into High and Low quality categories using a simple process of means testing.”

Highly qualified immigration officers, most with backgrounds in accounting and fashion, will direct tourists left or right depending on factors such as number of tattoos, shell-suits, sobriety and in-pocket cash.

High-quality tourists, such as those who arrive wearing a tie, will be allowed to roam the country more-or-less freely. Low quality tourists will be bundled onto secure transports and taken to designated ‘ghettos’ such as a specially fenced of stretch of Bangkok’s Sukhumvit Road. Pattaya council have already begun digging a huge moat around the resort to contain tourists deemed ‘especially depraved’, while Koh Tao is to be converted into a maximum-security resort for the three or four Russians expected this year.

Chinese tourists are to be diverted to Chiang Mai where they will be re-educated within specially constructed ramparts dubbed by locals “The Great Wall of Chiang Mai”.

Travel-Blagger Dickie Handcart, speaking as always on behalf of all expats, has welcomed the move. “With tourists corralled into such limited areas, we will literally be able to bombard them into submission with Thainess. They’ll go home more Thai than the Thais.”

Thailand’s premier educational establishment, MahiThammaKorn University, is to introduce the country’s first Coup Studies course in their new Faculty of Proper Democracy.

Head of Faculty, Professor Field-Marshal Somchai ‘Soapy’ Laangsamaawng, thinks it’s high time Thailand’s advanced democratic systems were part of a formal curriculum that would aid their adoption by the rest of the world. In his opening address, Prof.F.M. Laangsamaawng stated “We welcome foreign-devil students from Europe, the USA and even – after a shower – India, who wish to bring Thai democratic enlightenment to their own backward countries.”

“We have unsurpassed experience in coups – or ‘extra-electoral adjustments’ as they are more properly called -” ‘Old Soapy’ continued, “as well as in drafting, re-drafting, writing, re-writing, un-writing, editing, changing, ignoring and nullifying a wide range of constitutions. The USA has had only one constitution for nearly two hundred and forty years; we’ve had dozens in a third of that time. Tell me then, who has more experience in constitutionation?”

Students enrolling on the course will be expected to follow a dress-code of smart-battlefield-casual – riot gear optional. The 12 values will be recited at the beginning of each hour and each class will elect a leader who will be shot. Students will be encouraged to think critically about the challenges facing Thailand, and then shot.

At the end of the course, survivors graduates will be able to obtain their degree certificates from campus vending machines that accept cash, credit cards and 7-11 stamps.