There’s so man…

There’s so many ins and outs and complications in people. I’ve always found people fascinating, but there’s nothing like living with people to see how complicated people really are. One minute, they smile at you, they tell you what you want to hear. We all want approval, after all. So we lie to each other to get it. It’s funny.

Because the exact next minute, we become completely someone else.

I’ve seen this a few times now. Roommates act horrified at the amount of drinking and skanking done by someone, then become best friends with that same person. Person is upset that someone always “flakes out” on them… but the kicker is, that person actually always flakes out on me. Someone protests that they always just go out to parties and “hold their cup of beer and maybe sip on it”, but then come back hammered drunk.

So many dichotomies in all of us. Two faces we show to the world. Or a different face for each person. Spinning around, and around, and around, we just keep trying to make everyone happy. Does it work? Not really. But we think it does. And so we do it, just one more time.

I’m a little disillusioned with people now. I see the lack of trustworthiness and I just don’t know who to believe anymore. Are people really who they say they are? We all put on such thick masks to hide ourselves. Sometimes it’s just impossible to know what’s true. What is the truth of us – the mask, or the one behind? Maybe it’s both and we don’t want to believe it. We don’t want to be the ones we pretend to be, but we don’t want to be who we are. We get stuck in the in-between.

I feel so other. I feel so different. Even in the AA world, I don’t have the story. I haven’t done drugs. I don’t sleep around. I’ve gotten drunk about 15 times ever, but I know I’m an alcoholic. And I’ve got trauma in my story. I’ve seen 2 sisters be killed in front of me. I feel like an alien! I have always felt like an alien. And I don’t know how to deal with that.

and i’m tired of people showing 2 faces so I never know which one is real. so I can never put too much faith in someone it seems.