With 2 (or 3, but hey, who’s counting) concurrent restaurant related blogs, it’s getting hard to push out the latest and greatest. Shufeng Garden opened on October 1st, and yet there is still no media coverage even though it might be the best Szechuan restaurant. While proper write-ups of good food might be getting scarce, a quick rip into one of the worst ’09 meals demands instant front page space.

Oinkster, a Filipino chefed restaurant priding itself on “Slow Fast Food”, produced an burger unfit for pigs the other night. The visit wasn’t on grand opening day, it wasn’t a short staffed day, etc. This was just crap of the sloppiest scale. While the restaurant has received plenty of kudos from the Filipino blogging community, see Burnt Lumpia’s review, and Inuyaki’s review, the pastrami, barely moist, supposedly marinaded for two weeks, was meek, with some hints of spices, no salt, no fat, no flavor. It didn’t matter in which form the pastrami was served; reuben, straight, or Oinkified (which, by the way, is a clear rip off of Langer’s #19), the brined beef might have been soaked in soapy tub water for all we know. The burger patty arrived cooked medium with no char, no flavor, no juice, served with iceberg lettuce (a personal hatred), in between a plain bun. Delivered to a stranded Tom Hanks, it would been gagged up and picked off by the crows.

NELA still remains a pathetic post-nuclear apocalypsed wasteland of bad food, regardless of native son’s pride of their neighborhood’s presence in Mr. Gold’s Essential 99 circa 2009. Witness Casa Bianca, one of the worst pies ever known to man. There’s Good Girl Dinette, a sorry pitiful excuse of a Vietnamese restaurant frequented by hipsters on bicycles, serving pho cooked by nary a Vietnamese chef. And then there’s this Oinkster thing. The edict for Colorado Blvd’s food scene seems this: a non-White person opens a fusiony joint and the skinny girls on fixies will come, while the ethnic folks will be proud of the break out.

Yes, the ube shake is pretty decent, but it’s made with Fosselman’s ube ice cream. That leaves nothing of Oinkster’s actual own doing, save for the cupcakes (and ketchup). If a restaurant wants to be judged by its cupcakes, it should just change the business category to simply “bakery”. You know what would’ve been better with that craptastic burger? My own oatmeal stout beer shake. Recipe to come soon, promise.

Nota Bene: I look forward to comments and/or from Oinkster staff. I’m sure y’all lovely, I’m sure y’all making beaucoup dollars from the Eagle Rock 90041 crew. It ain’t personal, I just hate the food, so no need to give me gift certs, or invite me back for a tasting, ever.

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