7.25.2005

Foul

Foul mood. Foul foul foul!

I think I am just tired. But I am also sad and grouchy about the reality of having three kids, any one of whom could command my attention full-time, and what that means about my relationship with my husband, and our friends.

I am disappointed that I am so wiped for time and energy that I am not monitoring Leelo's program properly, not really reading or responding well to the daily notes from the therapists. I am months behind on implementing the supplement regimen Seymour and I agreed on.

I am depressed that Leelo hasn't made more progress, that he is trapped behind some sort of transparent wall and I can see him and communicate with him, but only on the most rudimentary level. He backslid violently this past week, with constant verbalizations, squinting, elbow-grabbing, and hitting. I can rationalize all the goldfish (crackers) eating and juice box stealing I want, but the reality is that his progress is slow slow slow. (Yes I realize that there are worse off kids but that doesn't make me feel any better about seeing a three-year old who was an infant when Leelo's ABA program started socially and verbally running circles around him.)

I am exhausted from the aftermath of our trip (expected).

I am violently down about not being able to socialize the way I'd like, that having Leelo at a party or over at someone's house means either Seymour or I are having No Fun--or we look like horrible parents if we let him be on his own and he steals toys from littler kids or runs around being completely loopy and obviously not "right."

I feel stupid about going to Cece's daughter Ambra's quinceaneara with Iz and Mali, and having people like Marroqui and her friend Rica constantly helping me with both kids even though I didn't ask them to. It was a great party, though.

And now I've found silvery hairs sprouting all over my head. Guess I'd better grow out this dye job fast or I'll never see my original color again.