With my new "Optitopsysmosis" technology, you'll get the nutrients you need! How does this work? Well, a simple explanation is this: when you read (like right now), there is a tiny moment when the words are flying through the air toward your eyes. The pattern of the flying words, if correctly coded using the Optitopsysmosis technology, will allow the individual letters to capture Moleculonutrients and deliver them to your body via the eyes. So please, read on and enjoy a healthier life!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

welcome to the nutrient that saves your life
when you wake up tomorrow, thank l-carnitine
had you not read this nutrient when you did
you would have, sadly, died
the afterlife would have welcomed you
with cotton candy and roller coasters
and a bit of oral sex
the afterlife is filled with oral sex
but you were wise enough to read l-carnitine
so you remain in the realm of the living

Saturday, May 28, 2011

you treated me badly in 1978
from January to December, bad treatment
a lot of things happened in 1978
but there is one thing that stands out in my mind
you poisoned me with methanol in 1978
telling me it was vodka and mixing it with Tang®
my breath could have powered a bus in 1978
but that power was left unharnessed

Educate your kids about the inhibition of mitochondrial cytochrome c oxidase. Let them know you understand!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

One of my supervisors gave me
Some Betty Ford Center lip balm
As kind of a joke
I laughed and put it in my pocket
And on the drive home from work
I put some on my dry California lips
And I immediately felt a sense of stability and persevering boredom
My after-work beer spilled down my shirt
The bubbly elixer unable to pass my lips
My rye whiskey nightcap suffered a similar fate
Yet my lips felt full and hydrated
My liver and mind felt clean

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

play your island games
with your dumb wrestling models
but you know the truth
Jeff, the son of John
your neck, it bears Ritter traits
veiny and stupid
you hand out idols
Jenilee Harrison sucked
and you all know it
so let's get honest
Don Knotts hated John Ritter
like Andy Griffin

Monday, May 23, 2011

when we met at the mall gazebo
you were wearing a Fort Donelson hairstyle
dirty and divided
when we opened our cellular telephone kiosk
you danced a Jutland jitterbug
sullen and sinking
and when we filed for chapter 11
you gave me Kandahar kisses
dusty and dangerous

Friday, May 20, 2011

This was the toughest delivery yet for Captain Richard. He had handled any number of breech births and umbilical strangulations, but this was just plain weird. The smoothness of the skin reminded him of the perfect first-ice on Lake Winthrop during his service time in the Ashland Militia. The thing that slid into his hands from the Terrible Vagina was more like an eggplant with a face than a human baby. Captain Richard will choose to not document that the smooth eggplant-being spoke to him before closing its milky little eyes.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

the rancid taste of Pisces paste
a dinner plate that's gone to waste
the fishy awful smell
pulled our evening into hell
the beginning of our last repast
after ten years in a brandy haze
creamy, rich, and weird like mayonnaise
awakened to this noxious meal
we got the raw end of the deal
this may just be the end of days
so if this should be our last desserts
may we dine until our belly hurts
let us raise our brandy snifters
bless the staid and bless the drifters
Ricky, Lucy, Fred and Ethel Mertz

Sunday, May 15, 2011

a problem in the focus group
led to daydreams of a bloody coup
insurgents born of boardroom bore
dry erase pens on the floor
fluorescent lights with subtle buzz
acoustic tiles with dusty fuzz
the texts were flying back and forth
east to west and south to north
we talked of bloodied heads on sticks
men in suits with severed dicks
but for us the focus group had ended
with memories of wars pretended

Use Microsoft™ products to bring work meetings to life! Use a fork to macerate your privates!

Saturday, May 07, 2011

The waitress had obviously been crying. All of her eyes were not dotted. All of her tees were not crossed. I ordered the breakfast burrito without sour cream. Just then (I had just finished saying the last part of the word burrito) the waitress walked out of the restaurant, pausing briefly to hand a sealed white envelope to Tiny Suzie.
With the waitress gone and Tiny Suzie wielding obvious control over coworkers and customers alike, Suzie opened the envelope, unfolded the folded paper with writing on it, and read aloud:

density derivative estimation at boundary points
I tried to be good for both you and the boys
and while I know it's surprising to hear I can't function
high order bias kernel reduction

Tiny Suzie refolded the paper with writing on it and placed it back in the envelope. A new waitress (who had also been crying) screwed up my order and I ended up with sour cream on my breakfast burrito.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

We didn't really think of ourselves as criminals. There were four or five of us from the same high school clique. We were teenagers out to have some fun and we had an incomplete understanding of consequence. It was 1981 and the orange groves had been torn out of the rocky Claremont soil to be replaced by tract homes. We had set out to steal some advertising flags from the myriad construction sites and then use the stolen flags to "tee-pee" a friend's front yard. We drank Henry Weinhard's beer and drove around gathering flags on that crisp October night. We listened to cassettes of the Clash, Visage, and the Zippers. When we finally had about 15 flags, we draped them all over our friend's lawn. Nothing bad happened to us.

Use memories as a way to gauge your current satisfaction with your life! Oh wait...don't do that.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

they tried to separate us
we were from different castes
they made a paste from borage seeds
believing it to be a healing poultice
they covered you from stem to stern
your skin could feel the poultice burn
I think that is what killed Chick Hearn
a man from whom we all could learn