We're Just Not That Into You: Undateable

Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle's hilarious new dating handbook

This month, ELLE.com chats with the authors of Undateable: 311 Things Guy Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex (Villard), a hilarious new dating handbook by Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle. Part illustrated rulebook, part bad-date bible, Undateable lists hundreds of men's dating missteps, from lame catchphrases to comb-overs. Read this book. Then hand it to your single guy friends.

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ELLE: You must have gone on a lot of horrible dates to come up with 311 things.

ER: Here's what happened. I worked at Harpo [Oprah Winfrey's production company] for 23 years, and every Monday morning, girls would come into my office with their hideous dating stories from the weekend, and I just started writing them down. And Anne got divorced, so she started dating.

AC: We've talked to hundreds of women, and there's just things that guys do—it doesn't matter if he's the nicest person in the world—that really stop the whole thing.

ELLE: So is this book for women or for men?

ER: Women are the target audience, but every guy who picks it up will do so because he secretly wants to know what women think.

AC: The bottom line is, men really are clueless. It's not like they're committed to acid-wash jeans, it's that they don't even think about it. They have no idea what women think about what they're doing.

ELLE: Are you worried that some of the advice might come off as a little mean?

ER: We're here to help, and this is the secret list that's never been revealed. You're probably a nice guy, you just need some guidance.

AC: You know guys who take a girl out, and she won't call him back? And he's sitting there going like, "What? What happened?" Sometimes the truth hurts, but if you really want to move forward, it can be just a minor change. It's helpful to guys who really want to connect with someone and have a relationship instead of, you know, sitting home alone.

ER: And one of the things is `Owns a Reptile.' I mean, that's just funny. It's all done with a wink, but a lot of it is true as well.

ELLE: You give a lot of advice in the book, what's the worst thing a man could do that would make him completely and totally undateable?

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ER: The trifecta: the C word, the F word, and the N word. And the F work isn't fuck, it's faggot.

AC: A skullet. Or Eminem-speak. Or someone who's had a serious eyelift or like, a facelift. I mean, that would be a total "No."

ER: A Speedo would be a problem for me. And this next one is probably controversial, because some women like it, but if some guy came and picked me up in a jacked-up car, I'm not getting in it.

ELLE: One of the things in the book is baldness. But really, what am I supposed to do if my boyfriend starts losing his hair? There's not much he can do about it.

ER: Oh yes there is! There's a whole section on bald denial. If my husband were losing his hair, I would say to him, "Look at Ed Harris or Michael Jordan. Let's be graceful here." As a girlfriend or a wife, I think there is a lot of advice that you can give.

AC: For instance, just embrace it. Don't try to do the four-scraggly-pieces-of-hair comb-over, don't try to grow the bottom long to prove you can grow hair.

ER: Just don't look like Benjamin Franklin.

AC: Can I add one more? Okay, I think I would have a nervous breakdown if someone took me to a Medieval Times festival.

ER: "Hey Anne, do you wanna go on a Star Trek convention on our first date?"

AC: I mean, I would be a wreck.

Excerpts from Undateable:

#9: Corporate swag. Windbreakers, sweatshirts, golf shirts, and gym bags emblazoned with the company logo scream "free clothes." Don't look to your employers to dress you. They've got other things to do, like running the company. Never in the history of human sexuality has a woman every passionately growled, "I can't wait to get home and rip that Met Life shirt off you."

#155: Made-up words. "Chillaxin'." "Anyhoo." "Ginormous." "Redonkulous." "Dealio." This is a really quick way to end a date.

#220: Sissy driving. If a guy is tentative and awkward behind the wheel, he'll be tentative and awkward in bed.

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