Please say that was a sneeze?!

We were all hanging out at the lake the other night when the lemonade drinking turned into laughing about “the good ol’ days.” Being the group of people we are that became open mic night for most embarrassing/horrible stories. Madysin, being the quirky person she is, came with a list of rules. They are not the normal rules you would expect when looking at a cute innocent looking girl. One of those rules was “No Jaeger” we aren’t saying that she couldn’t drink it, we are saying NO ONE within a 3 mile radius was allowed to drink it around her. She was very strict about this rule, with good reason…

Years ago when she was “in her prime” (looking at her now you would never believe she is out of her prime but it’s her story) she had a regular customer that was madly in LLLLLLLLLLLUUV with her. He was super sweet and funny but the kind of guy that had a hard time getting a girlfriend. He was a geek and a little overweight but had a personality of solid gold. (She is pretty sure that she is the reason his future children will never have a college fund.) Payday was party day in his world, and party was her specialty! He would make it rain until the ATM was a pile of ashes from the friction burn.

On that particular night he had gotten a promotion with a large bonus. Celebration consisted of Patron (instead of Jose) alternating with Jaeger, and topped with the Champagne Room on private reserve for the whole evening. He gave the DJ a stack of cash and had her play only his favorite songs. He was living it up! She was about 3 hours into proving mid-20’s ladies have the stamina of Olympic athletes when the moment began to unfold. The stars were not in the proper alignment for her. She was backing up on it like a belly dancer on ecstasy when she heard him sneeze. That same instant she noticed her totally exposed back was damp. She turned around to chew him out for not covering his mouth while sneezing when she realized what was happening.

That was not a sneeze.

Her horrified expression was mirrored in his face as he was rushing to cover his mouth to keep the rest of the Tequila/Jaeger from hitting her again. He stood up so fast it pushed her into a wall! He ran from the room throwing all the money in his pockets on the floor. The whole time trying to apologize between gags and gurgles. When he made it to the front door he broke the entrance rope instead of opening it.

She grabbed what clothes she had to cover up (if dance outfits were sold by the square foot it would be worth about 73 cents) and rushed in 7 inch platforms to the bathroom! She was in such shock that she didn’t even think to lock the door. This was the most disgusting moment of her life. In the mirror she could see the mess covering her entire back from hairline to dripping off her butt cheeks. Within seconds the DJ was coming through the door.

“Are you okay?! What happened?! OH MY GOD!!! IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?!?!?!””

“YES!”

“Oh dear! Let me help you!”

The DJ wet down some paper towels and started wiping off her back. Mady screamed

“USE SOAP!!!!!!”

It was very obvious that the DJ was trying not to laugh but luckily managed to contain it. Big surprise, no one protested when she stated she was going home to shower and not coming back that night. Possibly the next night too. The guy did send her a dozen roses and a very heartfelt apology letter the following week.

The bad part was that night started a curse. Every party she went to after that, be it work or for fun, if there was a guy drinking Jaeger he would end up vomiting ON HER!!!!

dude at a house party – puked on her butt trying to get cuddly

groomsman at a bachelor party – laughed so hard he threw up as she happened to walk by

ex-husband’s 21st birthday – duh, he drank too much but she had to drive him home

new year’s eve party – random guy hwarfed in her shoe

there are plenty more examples but no need to beat a sick horse. That night was the origin of Rule 17: NO JAEGER NEAR MADYSIN!!!!!!!