When the Other Person Shuts Down

by Stephen BE on February 2, 2010

Not all attempts at using issues to create greater intimacy are met with open arms and gratitude.

As is almost always the case, when one person’s issues are up, and expressed, then the other person’s issues are triggered. Now there are two sets of issues hanging in the air. Arguments between spouses are classic examples of this. One person feels injured, so they express it (responsibly, or not). This sets off the other person’s issues. And the chemistry is sometimes explosive. So how does all this get resolved?

The ground rules for resolution include:

1. It is possible to deal with only one person’s issues at a time. It is never possible to deal with both sets of issues simultaneously. This means that the other person must choose to set theirs aside during this process. By agreement, both people will return to the second person’s issues … after the first person is finished.

It is only fair that the person who first raised their issues should go first. The second person would only be stealing the spotlight, and casting blame on the first person. After all, the second person wouldn’t be feeling any issues if it were not for the first person saying or doing something.

The second person’s issues are secondary, and it is up to them to put them on a back burner for the time needed to deal with first person’s issues.

2. Of course, all dealing with issues requires a mutual agreement to do so. WILLINGNESS TO FEEL AND WILLINGNESS DEAL!

No willingness to deal means no mutual agreement for issues resolution. This creates a situation where the dealing with issues must be done by alternative means, than doing so with the source.

When issues are dealt with between the two primary participants, then they can lead to the creation of intimacy. But when you must deal with your issues without the participation of the other participant, then intimacy is not the goal. Instead, harmony is the goal. And it is possible to work the issues through to harmony without participation of the other.

It is sad, confusing, and almost unimaginable that someone would shut the door to the possibility of greater intimacy. But it happens more often than not. It occurs usually, because the other person is not in pursuit of Higher Consciousness.

They are shoring up their defenses, avoiding their issues, and focused on preserving their security, sensation or power. We may never know why someone makes this choice. To those of us who prioritize our growth, never sacrificing the pursuit of Higher Consciousness, this choice is baffling. But it is a common choice, and seekers encounter it frequently every time someone drops out of their life.

It will never make sense. You cannot ever understand it. Just do your own work, given the circumstances as they are. And pray for those who swing ever-so-close to the brass ring, but fail to reach out and grasp it. And know that their Karma will bring them the lessons they need to learn in order to make different choices the next time.