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Monday, January 3, 2011

Oh You're Pregnant? Let Me Ask You This...

The general population is familiar with exactly three symptoms of pregnancy. Thusly, when you tell others you are pregnant you are greeted with one of, but no more than, the following three questions:

Do you have morning sickness?

Are you tired?

What have you been craving?* Answers below because I know you’re dying to ask them yourself.

And while I never (read: always) get tired of answering these queries, I think there are far more interesting side effects of pregnancy to be discussing.

Are those your boobs or are you having twins?I was always a well-endowed woman prior to being pregnant—since we’re not holding back here: a 36D. Within ONE MONTH of being pregnant, I was wearing a 38DD…and apparently, these things KEEP GROWING. You. Have. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

Now some of you mean-spirited people are probably thinking, “Hey Jen, lay off the ice cream.” I’ll have you know, I’ve lost 5 pounds since being pregnant (which by my calculations means I really lost ten pounds, but gained 5 back in my boobs alone).

Now my husband and I are in great disagreement about the new pregnancy physique. Apparently he doesn't mind if I look like some ridiculous cartoon character drawn by a hormonal teenage boy ("I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way").

How’s the pooper running?Pre-pregnancy I was not one to discuss to my “import/export” system—not with friends, not with my husband, if I could I would opt to ignore that portion of my life completely. However now, it refuses to go unnoticed.

I would like for you to imagine eating how you normally do for an entire week. Now throw in the IMPOSSIBILITY of going pooper—because it ain’t going to happen. Then, much like the Bible, on the seventh day God said let there be pooping (I may or may not be paraphrasing). Let me tell you…that seventh day is a bitch.

Because I care about your well being, I’ll not discuss in great depth the associated gas, cramps and (what I’m sure will be on the horizon) hemorrhoids.

Why is everyone treating you as though you have a debilitating disease?You got me. I tried to move a chair—a regular ol’ kitchen table chair—and you would’ve thought I had suggested tightrope walking across a lava pit filled with alligators (just go with me on this one). At least three people yelled at me to sit down and rest.

News alert: I’m pregnant; newly pregnant, in fact. A time when doctors encourage working out and increased activity because the fetus is more protected now than it will be at any other stage of the pregnancy. I know this because I’ve managed to fall down and throw myself into traffic on at least three separate occasions since discovering I was pregnant and everything is still fine.

I’m lazy by nature, so when the time comes I’ll be more than happy to let you do everything for me. But for the time being, please let me continue to be a normal human for as long as possible.

***

My instinct is some poor soul must have asked these questions and received honest answers from a pregnant woman and spread the word to only ask the three “safe” questions.

1. I’m growing a human being inside of me. Couple this with my penchant for forgetting to eat and you have the precise formula for feeling queasy.

No, it is not limited to the morning.

It’s less “sickness” and more “nasty gagging and dry heaving I have no control over.” Things that make me gag include, but are not limited to: noxious smells ranging from the trash to roses, standing up too quickly, seeing dog poop, having to clean up cat puke, bending over to put on my sneakers, walking up a flight of stairs and thinking about anything at all.

Yes, it’s starting to abate as I enter my second trimester.

2. I work between 60-70 hours a week for my “day” job. I also had the bright idea to start a catering business which I continued through my first trimester of pregnancy (did you notice the usage of past tense?). Catering took roughly 90-100 hours a week. By my calculations, that left me with approximately -2 to 10 hours of free time each week. Tired doesn’t begin to describe it, but it had very little to do with being pregnant.

3. Sleep and a day where I don’t gag.

Honestly, I haven’t noticed any real cravings just yet. I’ve never been shy around food so a sudden desire for artichoke dip or a cheese sandwich with pickles is not out of the question—pregnant or not.