Couple who married quickly needs to learn problem solving skills

Jim MayMidland Reporter-Telegram

Published 6:00 am, Thursday, March 17, 2011

DEAR FAMILY: I need an outside opinion quick. My husband and I have been married less than a year. We met through an online dating service and we seemed to be a really good match -- at least the computer thought we were. The big problem was he lived in (another city) and I lived here. We only dated for six months, mostly on weekends. We did go on a week-long vacation together and that was great. While we were dating, we never even argued once. We agreed on everything -- or so I thought.

He found a job here, moved in and we got married. Now it seems like we argue about everything. We don't really fight, we both just get mad and clam up for several days. When I act like nothing happened, he's fine and we make up and go on. The problem is we never solve anything, and the issues keep coming back. I already have had one unhappy marriage with a lot of unresolved problems and I don't want another. Do you think it would be better to just cut my losses and get divorced now before this goes any further? My girlfriends all think I made a big mistake, got married too fast and should get out now. -- STAY OR LEAVE?

DEAR STAY: The problem in relationships is not that there are problems, but that couples are unable to resolve their problems. Long distance dating rarely gives a couple an opportunity to identify problems, much less solve them. In my experience with such relationships, the couple often is dealing with what typically would be a dating problem when they already are married.

Regardless, problem solving is a skill and can be learned. The first skill you would want to develop is a common problem-solving style. In problem solving, I like to start with the overall goal that each will get something he/she wants in the solution agreement -- that is, "something for something." We only resort to compromise when we cannot come up with something to trade with each other that will make both happy or satisfied.

The next rule has to do with anger and brain function. You both would agree to only discuss a problem when you are in your full adult cognitive state. That means both of you will be calm and logical -- not angry. The good news is your common avoidance style does do that -- and so neither of you has to apologize for something you said. However, you need the next rule, which is that after a one-hour break you meet again for a problem-solving session.

The problem-solving session should be conducted away from all distractions -- no television, telephone, etc. A possible order of discussion is:

- Problem statement: Define the problem concretely. When I am working with couples it amazes me how often each one thinks he or she understands the problem when, in fact, each one is attempting to solve a different problem.

- Discussion: Clarify the problem, giving details as necessary with special emphasis on concrete data. Avoid blaming the other, just focus on why this is a problem for you. Starting a sentence with "I" rather than "you" often is helpful.

- Solution: Brainstorm and identify potential solutions to the problem. Select one solution and try it. If it works for both then the problem is solved; if not then meet again to identify another potential solution to try.

I know the actual process is more complex than this and it takes practice to make it work. However, I would encourage you and your husband to discuss the process I have suggested and try it. Your girlfriends notwithstanding, I strongly would encourage you to go to marriage counseling together.