Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 7:09 pm

Thinks chickens are assholes

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:17 pmPosts: 5862

lycophyte wrote:

strawberryrock wrote:

booberthefraggle wrote:

I think this stems from the fact that I am exponentially more appealing as an abstract concept than as as actual person.

I feel like this might be true for everyone. Or at least I feel like it's true for me! I feel like I'm easy to adore in the first month of knowing me or so, but then how neurotic I am gets old.

But right now I just want to date casually and get laid anyway and I can't seem to make it happen.

Yeah, I definitely think I'm really exciting and people really like me and then they want to snag me real quick like. Ugh, and I try really hard to go slow into feelings and whatever but people fall for me waaaay before I do. And then they fall off the edge before me. Merrr

Nearly 17 years. Of course, that is because I am nearly 17, so for most of it, I haven't felt the agony of sexual frustration. The past four-ish years have been tough though. And people will be like, "You're a teenage girl! You should be interested in your studies!" I AM. The two are not mutually exclusive. OR they'll be all, "Oh, honey, don't place so little value on yourself, you should find a nice boy who treats you right and takes things slow." Thank you, for effectually, backhandedly making me feel like I'm being slut-shamed. Teenagers have biological urges too! It's not even that I object to the idea of a relationship on principle, it's just where I live is... unfortunate. After realizing that NO GUY has liked me since I was in elementary school, I've pretty much convinced myself that I must be wildly unattractive to the opposite sex. College is coming soon, and random hookups seems to run rampant there, so maybe this tension and lack of intimate human contact shall soon be alleviated. Except that the thing about one night stands is, I'm going to be freaking out about whether they're being truthful about their STD status, and if they're not, what if the condom breaks? And what if, since it's just some random guy, he doesn't care whether he physically hurts me and he doesn't care about my boundaries? And then I spiral into this whole neurotic, and-then-if-I-don't-consent-and-he-rapes-me-people-will-blame-me-because-they'll-think-one-night-stands-are-slutty-behavior-and-they-think-sluts-are-unrapeable-and-I-should-have-known-better-fuck-the-rape-culture-I'm-going-to-be-a-virgin-my-whole-life. So, I guess it's not totally surprising that I'm not sexually active! *sigh* At least I have books to comfort me.

_________________"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion." - Albert Camus

Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 6:21 pm

Making Threats to Punks Again

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:36 pmPosts: 1126

Opium des Volkes, I was considering PMing you but I thought I would just post in case anyone else in your position is reading.

I'm 21 and have never had sex, one of my best friends is 26 and hasn't - I know many people who never have, many people who have, and a couple people who did a few times and don't anymore. Having sex is not a race, and life is not an emergency. It will always be there. Please don't feel that something is wrong with you because you are not aware of any guys who have liked you since elementary school. Even if that is true, that is not about you - that is about them and the people they are attracted to, and I don't mean that in a bad way. It absolutely doesn't mean that you are unattractive.

I also feel it is important to address the worries you've expressed here about having sex. I am a person who, for various reasons, is initially distrustful of most people. If you feel comfortable, I would suggest talking to someone about this. Do you like the guidance counselor at your school, or do you have another adult that you trust and would not downplay your concerns about sex? I have talked at length with my psychologist about this sort of thing, and I've found it very helpful. I think that you will eventually find yourself attracted to someone who you don't have those worries about. The person I currently have The World's Biggest Crush on is someone who I don't have any worries about. You will not always have those worries, especially if you can talk to someone about it.

It's okay to have sex, and it's okay to not have sex, as long as you are comfortable with what you are doing. I have tried to word this post in a way that I don't come off as sanctimonious and concern-trolling, so I hope that it has been of some comfort to you.

_________________"I will rip out your IV and other roman numerals." - pandacookie"The one thing I would not do for Aubrey Plaza is harm a baby, by the way." - strawberryrock

Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:07 pm

Dying from Nooch Lung

Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 6:15 pmPosts: 3245

Hey Opium des Volkes!

So first of all, I think 17 is a pretty average age to have sex for the first time, which means probably around half of your peers also haven't. Not that you should worry if most of your peers have, but I'll just start with that. Coincidentally, I had sex for the first time when I was 17, with the first person who ever showed sexual interest in me. Before that I was completely convinced that no one could possibly find me attractive. (Sometimes I'm still convinced of that, but rationally I know it's not true.) I had sex because I felt sexual desire (because teen girls do that!) and also because I felt like I was probably the oldest person in the world who hadn't had sex and I thought it would be humiliating to go to college a virgin. This isn't some regretful anti-sex story--it was fine, it wasn't particularly satisfying or fun, but it was fine, I don't particularly regret it, or actually think about it that much. It was not really a defining moment in my life. We broke up, I left for college, and I made an odd discovery. None of my closest friends in college had had sex! Seriously, none of them. Again, I don't regret having sex when I was 17, but one of my primary motivations was just completely ridiculous.

About the other stuff, sex has inherent risks. Like, you might get an STD. A whole lot of people get STDs. A lot of STDs are actually not that big of a deal as long as you get them treated. (I would rather have chlamydia than the flu, easily.) Some of them are bigger deals. You take precautionary measures, get tested frequently (remember the most common STDs can be asymptomatic), and ultimately decide if the risk is worth it.

Ok this might be a little longwinded for the no sex thread. I've done a lot of sex education and also was a lot like you when I was younger and have dealt with a whole lot of anxiety about sex, so if you want to PM me feel free.

_________________"No one with hair so soft and glossy could ever be bad at anything." - Tofulish

Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:13 pm

Semen Strong

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pmPosts: 22092Location: Cliffbar NJ

Opium des Volkes wrote:

Nearly 17 years. ... After realizing that NO GUY has liked me since I was in elementary school, I've pretty much convinced myself that I must be wildly unattractive to the opposite sex.

If it makes you feel any better, I felt the same (never dated in HS or had anyone even be interested) and then met a few guys who found me wildly attractive in college :) Someone once told me that dating in middle school and HS is so different from college, because everyone is still in the safety of their approved social groups - so everyone agrees that a handful of girls are pretty and all the boys crush on them and everyone agrees that a few boys are attractive and everyone crushes on them. In college, people learn that its safe to like who you like - and then you start on the process of figuring out what that is. Its not that hook ups are bad, its that they are just part of learning what you do and don't like. An experimentation process of sorts.

I feel like I've dated some (and am married to one) really amazing, handsome, sexy, smart, funny and wonderful men, but interestingly, none of them were the "hot guy" in HS.

tl;dr, it gets better :)

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:22 pm

Dying from Nooch Lung

Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 6:15 pmPosts: 3245

Tofulish wrote:

Opium des Volkes wrote:

Nearly 17 years. ... After realizing that NO GUY has liked me since I was in elementary school, I've pretty much convinced myself that I must be wildly unattractive to the opposite sex.

If it makes you feel any better, I felt the same (never dated in HS or had anyone even be interested) and then met a few guys who found me wildly attractive in college :) Someone once told me that dating in middle school and HS is so different from college, because everyone is still in the safety of their approved social groups - so everyone agrees that a handful of girls are pretty and all the boys crush on them and everyone agrees that a few boys are attractive and everyone crushes on them. In college, people learn that its safe to like who you like - and then you start on the process of figuring out what that is. Its not that hook ups are bad, its that they are just part of learning what you do and don't like. An experimentation process of sorts.

I feel like I've dated some (and am married to one) really amazing, handsome, sexy, smart, funny and wonderful men, but interestingly, none of them were the "hot guy" in HS.

tl;dr, it gets better :)

I'll add to this, I didn't have sex or even kiss anyone for my first two years of college! And I felt like I was incredibly unattractive and no one would ever ever like me. And now I am 25 and well I'm not having any sex how but there have been times in my life where I have had lots of sex and it's been awesome. But now I'm eating pad kee mao and drinking a beer and later I'm going to read a book and that's awesome too. So college itself could or could not change everything but you've got a whole lot of time ahead of you either way.

_________________"No one with hair so soft and glossy could ever be bad at anything." - Tofulish

Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:31 pm

Semen Strong

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pmPosts: 22092Location: Cliffbar NJ

That is so interesting. Having met you IRL, s-rock, I would have never thought you ever could have felt yourself unattractive, because you are remarkably pretty. In fact, I thought you were gorgeous <3

//hope that isn't too creepy///

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:46 pm

Dying from Nooch Lung

Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 6:15 pmPosts: 3245

Tofulish wrote:

That is so interesting. Having met you IRL, s-rock, I would have never thought you ever could have felt yourself unattractive, because you are remarkably pretty. In fact, I thought you were gorgeous <3

//hope that isn't too creepy///

Not creepy! Pretty nice to hear right now because god I've been feeling rejected a lot! I don't suppose you want to leave your husband and date me? No one else wants to...

Wait, I'm supposed to be saying that it gets better, now I'm being a bad role model. I mean, things have gotten better since I was 17, and then worse again, and then better, and then worse again, and now they kind of suck, but they could still get better! And there is someone I could probably be having sex with right now, I just don't want to.

_________________"No one with hair so soft and glossy could ever be bad at anything." - Tofulish

Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 9:00 pm

Semen Strong

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pmPosts: 22092Location: Cliffbar NJ

Nothing is better for your sex life than having an infant around! Just sayin' I have earned my place in this thread.

And yes, I think its all an ebb and flow - sometimes you're getting a ton of wonderful sex allatimes and other times you're on the PPK. But it gets easier on your self-esteem, I think.

At 40, I have a pretty clear grasp on the fact meeting someone or having awesome sex is almost completely unrelated to your physical attractiveness. And you know that dry spells (and wet ones) all come to an end, so enjoy them while you can. Dry spells - great for reading, being on the PPK, connecting with friends, finding other creative outlets. And normally just as you're getting comfy in your dry spell, it starts to rain....

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 10:56 pm

Making Threats to Punks Again

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:36 pmPosts: 1126

Tofulish and strawberryrock are wise as fork.

Sometimes I feel weird because I've had (what I would consider) plenty of offers but they just weren't people that I wanted to have any sort of physical intimacy with. So I feel weird about sometimes complaining that I don't have sex. I logically know that I am allowed to refuse sex but I still feel... off. It's hard to explain, I guess.

Anyway the dude I like now? I want to be on that alllll day.

_________________"I will rip out your IV and other roman numerals." - pandacookie"The one thing I would not do for Aubrey Plaza is harm a baby, by the way." - strawberryrock

Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 11:14 pm

Dying from Nooch Lung

Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 6:15 pmPosts: 3245

DrakeRedcrest wrote:

Tofulish and strawberryrock are wise as fork.

I really hope this is becoming a thread about how smart and pretty I am!

Also I think it's good to know what you want. If you don't want to have sex with someone, don't do it! I don't think first times need to be super special or anything if you don't want them to be, but knowing that you don't want physical intimacy with someone is a damn good reason not to have sex with them.

_________________"No one with hair so soft and glossy could ever be bad at anything." - Tofulish

DrakeRedcrest: no, you don't sound sanctimonious at all, although for some reason I was hoping that post would go ignored! Haha. I know and understand all of the things you mentioned in your post, and I don't say that to sound ungrateful or whatever - it's because I know my thoughts are irrational (if common). I also think that were the opportunity presented right now, I would probably turn it down. I think it's more of an issue of having the choice and not feeling doomed to sexlessness. I actually do work with a group that teaches kids (well, not little kids but adolescents younger than I) about consent, healthy relationships, sexuality, etc. And I promise I don't tell them that if they haven't had sex by 17 they're ugly and lame! I'm much better at giving advice than taking my own. Additionally, I would like to believe that I'm not one of those kids that feels pressured to being having sex just because everyone else is - I feel like I have a pretty healthy understanding of my sexuality and if I weren't horny I don't think I'd want to be doing it. But who knows? One can never totally escape social pressure. As for talking-to-someone issue, I guess it's easier for me to bring it up on the PPK than in "real life" - not that I want this to derail the thread! In the depression thread I mention some of my issues with psychological issues of my own and trust. (I just never feel that what I'm feeling is rational, and I can't justify talking about them when others have it so much worse - awful way of thinking, I know!)

Also, I'm not sure if it came across this way, but just in case, I definitely did not mean for my earlier post to make it seem like anyone who's 17+ and still hasn't had sex is pathetic or weird, because I don't think that!

strawberryrock, thanks too. I guess I had never thought of the STD-flu thing that way. I suppose being indoctrinated with abstinence-only "sex education" probably has something to do with that! But you make a valid point, there's just such a huge stigma around having an STD. At least here, still.

Also, thanks @ Tofulish!

I know I'm being irrational. I think at least some of it has to do with being sexually-harassed and called ugly by boys a LOT in middle school. I'll work on it!

Okay, I'm done now, and sorry for further derailing! Go forth and don't talk about the sex some of you are not having, PPKers!

_________________"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion." - Albert Camus

Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 11:59 pm

Dying from Nooch Lung

Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 6:15 pmPosts: 3245

Opium des Volkes wrote:

strawberryrock, thanks too. I guess I had never thought of the STD-flu thing that way. I suppose being indoctrinated with abstinence-only "sex education" probably has something to do with that! But you make a valid point, there's just such a huge stigma around having an STD. At least here, still.

I think there's a huge stigma around it everywhere.

Not that you shouldn't be careful, obviously. And shiitake, there is a strain of gonorrhea that is not responding to antibiotics, that's scary. Obviously HIV is some serious business though definitely not the death sentence it used to be. But herpes is incredibly common and actually not that big a deal, medically, it's mostly a big deal culturally because if you have it you have to talk to potential sexual partners about it and it's hugely stigmatized. I've never talked to anyone who was like, yeah, I had chlamydia once, but it is the most common infection in the world! And it's usually asymptomatic and you just take antibiotics! Untreated it can do bad things like most infections, but if you catch it early that is a very minor medical problem. I get chronic sinus infections and my god if I could trade those for chlamydia I would in a second. And then there's HPV which thankfully there is a vaccine for now, but I think the stat is, at least half of people get it at some point in their lives. And yes it can cause cancer and I totally recommend getting the vaccine but if you are unable to get the vaccine for whatever reason you are probably going to be exposed to it at some point.

I think the truth is that almost everyone who is sexually active has probably done something where they could have gotten an STD, so most people who have not contracted STDs have had luck on their side. It's not like you can just get one from unprotected intercourse--you can get them from oral sex, skin to skin contact, finger stuff, etc. (And if you always always use condoms/dental dams/gloves, that's totally awesome, I'm not talking shiitake on it.) It's really good to be informed and protect yourself and keep yourself healthy. But also, if you're having sex you are taking a risk. But contracting an STD isn't the end of the world/your sex life and doesn't reflect on what kind of person you are or make you dirty or anything.

Ok I hope you enjoyed that book I wrote you. Also scarleteen.com is an amazing resource.

_________________"No one with hair so soft and glossy could ever be bad at anything." - Tofulish

Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2012 1:43 am

Mispronounces Daiya

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:31 pmPosts: 1435

strawberryrock wrote:

I can't believe I totally killed this thread by talking about STDs so much. Or is everyone just getting laid now and they don't need it anymore?

(I'm not.)

That was good information, not a thread killer! I'm not getting any and haven't for months, but haven't actively been seeking out sex either. If 2012 turns out to be a year of celibacy, I think I'm okay with that.

_________________Again, you are all brilliant and sexy. And I am lavender-laden and secure in my masculinity. - Sir Brancis Facon

Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2012 2:03 am

Kitchens Planning Manchester

Joined: Thu Oct 28, 2010 1:43 pmPosts: 2539Location: In some dumb hotel in an equally dumb town...or in San Diego

I didn't get laid till I was 24...and Tofulish says Im the sexiest man alive. So there ya go. Dont let it bother ya too much. It'll happen when it happens. Until then there's cake. And only the best sex trumps cake.

Also my current dry spell is about to be broken this week (foiled last week by my annoying nerves induced un-boner)...So so long suckers!

Post subject: Re: A thread not about the sex that some of us aren't having

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2012 2:20 am

Dying from Nooch Lung

Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 6:15 pmPosts: 3245

To be fair, if I wanted to be having meaningless sex with people I'm not that attracted to, I would know exactly how to do it. It is just not that appealing to me. I just felt bad that I killed this thread by getting all serious.

_________________"No one with hair so soft and glossy could ever be bad at anything." - Tofulish