The Demons Won…

Today is 2 weeks since you made the choice to leave us. You were only 28! You left me, Dad, Danny, Bobby, Michelle and your children, Mikey & Maddie. That doesn’t even include the rest of the family. We know you had an addiction problem and we tried for 10 years to help you fight the demons. We helped you get into rehab when you asked for the help. We were more than willing to help you again and again until you were able to be strong enough not to give in to the cravings, the urges, the demons.

I am so thankful for the 7 months you were clean between last year and this year. And then the demons beckoned and we lost you first to them and then to the darkness. I have so many good memories but for the past 2 weeks all I can see is your face when we found you. I have nightmares, I can’t eat and Dad moved back to NJ so now I’m here in Florida with no family. Michael is helping me as best he can but he doesn’t know the grief I’m feeling. Losing someone to suicide is so much different than losing someone to cancer or even a heart attack. There are so many unanswered questions and no funeral services. We will have a memorial service next month when I go home for the birth of your nieces new baby. This was supposed to be a happy event. You’ve taken that from me. Now I will be there for the baby but then I have to help our siblings and Father plan your service. What you did was selfish. I understand you were in pain and missing mom and felt as though you couldn’t live without her. Now you’re with her and we’re here trying to process all of this.

I’m reaching out for help because I can’t eat or sleep. I’m having nightmares that are jolting me from my sleep and I wake trembling and crying and my heart feeling like it’s broken and never going to work again. I’m so thankful for my friends but even they are unsure how to proceed with me. I need to find a way to process this so I can get back to living. I have to live my life and in doing so, I hope you’ll be there watching over us all. In time, we will meet again but I have too much to live for to allow your untimely death to ruin that for me. I have enough issues with the fibro, problems with my legs and everything else to allow your suicide to break me. I AM strong and I WILL survive, for both of us. I love you and will miss you every second of every day.

2 Responses to The Demons Won…

My sympathies for your loss, and it’s still so fresh. I am so glad you are reaching out for support. I experienced a similar feeling of disconnection after my brother’s suicide. My friends did their best to be supportive. What I found most helpful was attending group survivor meetings. I found a local group through the afsp.org website, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. For me, being around people who had experienced such a sudden and tragic loss helped to heal something in me.

Donna,
My brother left this world on the 6th of July. Like you, I am trying to figure out how to live. I wish I had some encouraging words for you. What I do have is empathy and prayers. We have joined a club neither of us asked to be a part of so I think knowing we are not alone is taking a first step.
Prayerfully,
Debbie