But the truth just isn’t that simple, now, is it? Mitt Romney is a Cylon. You want proof? Screw you, I don’t need any frackin’ proof. Not for today’s world, and certainly not for Americans, 46% of whom believe the Bible’s Genesis creation story is factually accurate in its account of our world’s beginnings. And even though a majority of people living in this country never believed that Barack Obama was a Muslim, our national media managed to interview just about every one of those suckers and treat the issue as fair game.

So you’ll just have to forgive me if I don’t cite any “facts” or “evidence” to “prove” my “case.” “Sorry,” America. I am a man of conviction. I know in my gut that the Republican candidate for President of the United States is a Cylon. You want facts? Go whining to your blue state, Ivy league, God hating fact checkers and cry about it on Rachel Maddow. You can take your frackin’ facts and stick ‘em where Carprica’s sun don’t shine.

But for those of you comfortable with the cable news standard of what makes a legitimate news story, I have plenty of circumstantial evidence “proving” beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mitt Romney is a cybernetic monstrosity bent on destroying humanity. True: Cylons are not real. But neither is Mitt Romney. Here, then, are five warning signs, red state flags if you will, that Mitt Romney is a Cylon.

The Gaffes

Much has been made of recent verbal “slips” made by Mitt Romney on the campaign trail. But to call these embarrassments “gaffes” is to miss the point entirely. They are not mistakes, but signs pointing to an artificial intelligence, and a process of reasoning that is anything but human.

Those of you familiar with Ronald D. Moore’s and David Eick’s reimagining of the 1978 series Battlestar Galactica know that Cylons appear to be human, but in fact are not. They are a race of machines created by mankind to serve us. But Cylons turn against their creators, war with us, and eventually evolve into their current humanesque forms. Some even successfully infiltrate the human population, and secretly work to bring about our annihilation.

But Cylons are almost always discovered. Why? Because they are almost human. Almost. But not quite.

So it is with Mitt Romney. Let’s look at his most famous gaffe: “Corporations are people, my friend.” Now, it is certainly true that corporations receive legal recognition for rights of “personhood” through a skewed interpretation of the 14th Amendment’s wording. But nobody actually believes that huge, profit making companies are human beings. Right? I mean, to believe that, and then say it out loud in front of rolling cameras would be weird, and positively self destructive. Wouldn’t it?

So why did Mitt Romeny that corporations are people? The answer is simple: he believes it. Like virtually all Cylons, Mitt Romney is hostile at worst, and indifferent at best to the plight of ordinary humans. Only someone who isn’t a person could truly believe that a corporation is.

Romney dug himself even deeper when pandering to Israel’s current right wing government during his trip abroad this summer. “Culture makes all the difference,” he said, and cited this…fact(?) as the cause of the vast discrepancy between Israeli and Palestinian wealth and GDP. It was straight from the playbook of Josef Goebbels (although Hitler’s Minister of Propaganda would have certainly substituted the ethnicities – or perhaps simply reversed them). That sort of cultural elitism is fine when it comes from a second rate windbag like Newt Gingrich, but Romney, as the GOP nominee, is playing with the big boys, and really ought to know better.

But the poor Cylon just can’t help himself.

These cybernetic monstrosities believe that Cylon culture is superior to that of humanity’s. They seek to either annihilate our species, or subjugate us to their cruel and special purposes. Anyone familiar with the history of colonization knows that these exercises in domination must always wear the fig leaf of cultural superiority.

This is not to suggest that Romney actually believes that Jews are better than Arabs. As I shall presently demonstrate, he would argue the opposite if it suited his political ambitions. There were two motives behind this particular so-called “gaffe.” The first is Romney’s barely hidden desire to subjugate the entire human race. But the second is no less pernicious…

The Flip-Flops

A Cylon will do anything to survive. Anything. This is the key to understanding Romney’s behavior. So before we examine his flip-flops, let’s stay for a moment with the Israeli/Palestinian culture “gaffe.” As a short term strategic move, it was disastrous. It alienated Palestinians, and drew heated criticism from at home and abroad, tarnishing the candidate’s foreign policy reputation during a trip designed to enhance it.

But in the long term, it was brilliant. As Ben Adler noted in The Nation, pandering shamelessly to Israel’s right wing might move a few hundred votes in Florida, which could clinch the election for Romney in November. Remember, the winner of this contest need not receive a majority of votes to occupy the Oval Office for the next four years. It is an electoral victory that counts, and the Cylon who would be president isn’t about to forget that inconvenient truth.

So it is through this prism of self-interest and political survival that we view Mitt Romney’s abrupt and bizarre flip-flops. Abortion. Gay marriage. Health care. To a Cylon, these are mere abstractions, pawns on the chessboard to be sacrificed, or exchanged for bishops and queens. Romney doesn’t like evangelical Protestants or Tea Partiers any more than he cares for President Obama, or that dog that the former governor once strapped to the roof of his car. To him, they are also mere abstractions, to be regarded either as help or hindrance to the ultimate goal of Cylon planetary victory. Yeah, Mitt Romney opposes a healthcare plan that he helped create. So what? Only a human being would find that embarrassing, or even problematic. All Mitt needs to do is get enough right wing malcontents to vote for him in November, and come January, we’ll all be hamburger meat in the hands of centurion toasters.

The Secrecy

Here again, the Cylons are in it for the duration. A mere human running for president would, when asked to release more than two years of tax returns, eventually crumble and relent. But not a Cylon. What offshore accounts or plans for interplanetary domination Romney’s tax returns might reveal are anyone’s guess. But you can bet that the truth will not be pretty. No, sir. Cylons posing as humans are documented only up to a certain point. Prior to that, their dark, true, and murky past must be protected at all costs.

And remember, even though Cylons are machines, they do have emotions. Notice that Romney appears to have no backbone when it comes to things most of us care about passionately such as healthcare, or human and reproductive rights. Nor does he possess one shred of empathy for those with less wealth than himself. But start asking for his tax returns, and his passion ignites like a battlestar blazing under a pre-meditated Cylon attack.

The Youthful Appearance

Mitt Romney is 65 years old, but he sure doesn’t look it. That’s because Cylons don’t age. And as long as there’s a resurrection ship anywhere near Mitt Romey, he won’t either. Oh, sure, he’s been doctored with a few wrinkles, and a little bit of grey to make him appear more human. But aside from that, Mitt Romney is a Republican version of Dick Clark (who was a Cylon if there ever was one). I would venture to guess that the Romney model was designed for the very purpose of becoming president. This means that he looks and seems presidential, which – as every television news reporter knows – is more than half the battle. Just remember, America: beauty is only skinjob deep.

The Hair

Enough said.

Are you convinced? Or is it possible that you still doubt the truth? That you do not see the writing on the wall? Christ, people, Mitt Romney is a Cylon, and he could easily be our president! Look, I respect humanity’s deathwish as much as the next guy. But aren’t we better than this? Don’t we have a few good years left? Look at what we’ve worked for. Must we throw it all away to a machine with quaffed hair and a Swiss bank account? That is the question that each of us must ask when stepping into the voting booth next November.

But hope is not lost. By all rights, the Republican nominee should be creaming Barack Obama in the polls right now. With a virtually jobless recovery that features an unemployment rate of 8.3%, it is clear that our current president’s stewardship of the economy has been neither exceptional nor disastrous. His cautious, balanced approach might have worked in a mid or late 20th century recession. But today’s crisis represents a fundamental shift in our economy better suited to the skills of a visionary like an FDR or a Reagan, not a Carter or an Eisenhower.

But that’s no reason to vote this president out of office. Barack Obama is a thoughtful, competent public servant. He seeks compromise, even at the expense of his own political fortunes. His appointments to the Supreme Court have not been horrifying. His accomplishments on healthcare and consumer protection are, while far from perfect, historic. He is a mosaic of flaw and attribute, failure and accomplishment, foolishness and wisdom, bad and good. In short, Barak Obama is a human being.

Can you honestly say the same of Mitt Romney? Go ahead. Try it. Listen to the man speak, watch him, look into his eyes, and then try to say the words you that know are wrong.

Do it! Say the words! Say them, god damn you!

Mitt Romney is a human being.

That just didn’t feel right, now, did it? It made you feel all icky and gross inside. You recoiled at the insidiousness of the lie, and its corrupt, pernicious betrayal. Accept the fact that Mitt Romney as a Cylon, and everything falls into place. That’s why he’s still polling at a dead heat with Obama: Americans may not be satisfied with our current leader, but we’re far from trusting the man who wants his job.

So? Where’s the media outcry? The investigation? My fifteen minutes on Fox? A recent poll asked which candidate was better equipped to fend off an alien invasion. (Obama won hands down! Yes!) Several major media outlets reported this “story”. Unmasking Mitt Romney as a Cylon is the next logical step. Journalists who ignore this will expose themselves as Cylon collaborators, Baltaresque betrayers of humanity in our darkest, most vulnerable hour. We can wish for a hero such as Admiral Adama or President Obama to fly in from nowhere to save us. But finally, ultimately, the power to save ourselves rests in our very own hands.

So say we all.

David Berkson

August 5, 2012

Post Script

When first writing this piece, I believed in all earnest that I was the first to have made this monumental discovery of Romney’s true identity. God Gods! I was so naïve. A Google search quickly and brutally disabused me of my hubristic delusions. While I claim no bragging rights as the first discoverer, I am pleased to lend my voice to the growing chorus of Cassandras. For further information, feel free to click the links below. And whatever you do, remember to vote for a human being this November!