Most coaches deadbolt the doors or hire snipers to patrol covered practice-field fences to keep media members miles away. IU basketball coach Tom Crean and his new strength and conditioning coach Je'Ney Jackson welcomed 25 of us into Cook Hall on Wednesday.

"I bet we just shake hands and eat sandwiches. But I'll wear my shoes just in case."

Not that they complained. They're sick of hearing that they finished 10-21 last season and lost 11 straight Big Ten Conference games by an average of nearly 17 points.

Jesus, really? That's really fucking awful. Need I remind you that the Big Ten has eleven teams, meaning IU lost to everyone and someone twice by 17?

Related: Iowa plays in the Big Ten.

“We're tired of getting bullied around by the Michigan States and Purdues of the conference,” Jones said.

Quote rewrite: "We're tired of getting bullied around by the Michigan States and Purdues and Michigans and Iowas and Northwesterns and Illinoises and Ohio States and Minnesotas and Wisconsins and Penn States of the conference."

“I think we've gotten bigger now, so now we can do a little pushing back.”

That sounds a lot like fouling. You should try, also, to learn how to, you know, score and everything.

The 11-game losing streak began with a 15-point home loss to a dismal Iowa team. That game still makes Crean as nauseous as I felt when a medicine ball nearly bounced off my forehead.

"Ooooohhhh, that medicine ball almost hit my forehead. I might barf."

Parallel: "I have to leave early, so those cars get better gas mileage."

Parallel: "I only smoke when I read the mail."

Parallel: "This kind of tastes like tornadoes."

Parallel: "Basketball is difficult, like a fireplace."

This is all to say: that doesn't make sense.

“That's the one loss that continues to make me sick to my stomach, because we literally got shoved around the court,” Crean said.

"The other ten," he went on to say, "were fine."

“And we didn't do anything about it. If we lose games,

Yes, IF.

it's not going to be because we absolutely got out-toughed and people were more physical than us or they came in that day and decided they were going to punk us. That can't happen.”

Quick question: Is Bobby Capobianco your center? The veracity of this entire column relies on that answer.

What will happen is another preseason media workout session before next season. I suggest adding video analysis and free-throw shooting. Please.