82010: The difference between love and a haraam relationship

I am a 24 years old girl. I fell in love, no dates, no meetings involved, pure love to a pure religious person. He promised to marry me and asked me to wait for him as his circumstances are difficult. I do not remember that he called me more than once. I asked him not to call me; because I feel this is wrong, although I love him. I felt that our love started going in the direction, he agreed to this feeling, and respected my opinion. He just sends me E-mails every so often via internet, so that I know his news. We have been in this love relationship for one year. I know this person and his family, and they know us well as well. I love him for Allah’s sake and sure he loves me as well. The problem is that I started receiving proposals, about 8 so far. Every time I refuse because I promised to wait for him. Now I am confused, is what I am doing halal or haram? I pray, Alhamdulillah, all obligatory and optional prayers, and pray qiyaam in the night as well; I fear I lose my good deeds because of what I am doing. Is a pure chaste love haram? Is my love to him halal or haram?.

Published Date: 2009-02-10

Praise be to Allaah.

First of all I ask Allaah to guide you and grant you
happiness, and I ask Him to increase the numbers of girls like you who are
keen to maintain chastity and purity and adhere to the sacred limits of
Allaah in their affairs, among the most important of which are emotional
relationships that many people take lightly, so they overstep the mark and
transgress the sacred limits of Allaah, and Allaah tests them with problems
that we read about and hear of, in which there is a lesson for every Muslim
and for every wise person.

You should note that correspondence and contact between the
sexes is one of the doors that lead to fitnah (temptation). Sharee’ah is
filled with evidence which indicates that it is essential to beware of
falling into the traps of the shaytaan in this matter. When the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saw a young man merely looking
at a young woman, he turned his head so as to make him look away, then he
said: “I saw a young man and a young woman, and I did not trust the shaytaan
not to tempt them.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (885) and classed as hasan by
al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

Hence you did well to cut off contact with this young man,
and we hope that you will stop corresponding too, because correspondence is
one of the greatest doors to corruption that have been opened for people
nowadays. This has been discussed in a number of questions. See the answers
to questions no. 34841 and
45668.

This does not mean that it is haraam for a man or woman to
like a specific person whom he or she chooses to be a spouse, and feel love
for that person and want to marry them if possible. Love has to do with the
heart, and it may appear in a person’s heart for reasons known or unknown.
But if it is because of mixing or looking or haraam conversations, then it
is also haraam. If it is because of previous acquaintance, being related or
because of hearing about that person, and one cannot ward it off, then there
is nothing wrong with that love, so long as one adheres to the sacred limits
set by Allaah.

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

If love develops for a reason that is not haraam, a person
cannot be blamed for that, such as one who loves his wife or his slave
woman, then he leaves her but that love remains and does not leave him. He
is not to be blamed for that. The same applies if he glances accidentally
then looks away, but love may settle in his heart without him wanting it to.
But he has to ward it off and look away. End quote.

Rawdat al-Muhibbeen (p. 147).

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

A person may hear that a woman is of good character and
virtuous and knowledgeable, so he may want to marry her. Or a woman may hear
that a man is of good character and virtuous and knowledgeable and
religiously committed, so she may want to marry him. But contact between the
two who admire one another in ways that are not Islamically acceptable is
the problem, which leads to disastrous consequences. In this case it is not
permissible for the man to get in touch with the woman or for the woman to
get in touch with the man, and say that he wants to marry her. Rather he
should tell her wali (guardian) that he wants to marry her, or she should
tell her wali that she wants to marry him, as ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased
with him) did when he offered his daughter Hafsah in marriage to Abu Bakr
and ‘Uthmaan (may Allaah be pleased with them both). But if the woman
contacts the man directly, this is what leads to fitnah (temptation). End
quote.

Liqaa’aat al-Baab il-Maftooh
(26/question no. 13)

Our advice to you is that it is essential to stop
corresponding with this young man, and tell him that he has to propose to
you through your wali, if he really does want to get married. He should not
regard his material circumstances or anything else as a barrier. The matter
is simple, in sha Allaah, and if a person is content with little, Allaah
will make him independent of means by His grace and bounty. He should at
least contact your wali and do the shar’i marriage contract, and if the
consummation is delayed there is nothing wrong with that. But if it remains
as a promise to get married, ande correspondence continues between you on
that basis, this – according to the rulings of sharee’ah and the experience
of real life – is a wrong path that opens the door to sin and corruption.
You can be certain that you will never find happiness except by obeying
Allaah and adhering to the limits set by his sharee’ah. The permissible ways
are sufficient and there is no need for haraam means, but we make it hard
for ourselves and the shaytaan takes advantage of that.

Your delay in getting married is very harmful for you. You
are getting older and this young man’s circumstances are not improving; you
are not marrying him and you are not marrying anyone else. Beware of
delaying, for that will only cause harm. You should realize that one of
these men who have proposed marriage may be more religiously committed and
righteous than that young man, and there may be far greater love with him than there is between you and that young man.