Day 2 of Self-Love: Boundaries

Repeat after me: Boundaries are the borders I create around myself by the limits I set – limits around time, whom I let into my life, and the activities I allow to take up my attention and time. The boundaries are the imaginary lines that tell people how close they can come to me and what they can expect. Good boundaries allow me to spend my time and energy wisely. I do not waste energy on what is not good for me – people, activities, or food. Boundaries put me in charge by allowing me to consciously choose what I allow inside my life.

Through this affirmation exercise, you discover and work with limiting beliefs. You can emerge from the exercise with the awareness that you used to believe your happiness depended on your list. You learn that happiness is simply a choice. You can choose to be happy by separating from all you have. Happiness is a way of being; it does not depend on having.

Name a boundary that you now hold that you could tighten. What need is behind the old, loose boundary? What would a tighter boundary look like, and how would it function?

Before my past relationship, I was terribly good at saying no and standing for it without loosening it up. Because I had love for my partner, and he knew how to push the right buttons and disrespected my limits, my boundaries automatically faded, little by little. Behind my old loose boundary of saying no, is a need for recognition, love and connection. Whenever I’ve said yes when I should’ve said no, I’ve allowed a person to invade my boundaries. In these situations, I’ve interpreted the request as a need or a demand. I’ve told myself that I’ve got no choice about the situation because I cannot risk a rejection or loss. In my psychopathic relationship, I’ve been demanded a lot, and thus said no to myself. For that matter, I made another person more important than myself, because I was afraid of getting punished with isolation. I think it comes down to this: I need to make point of paying attention to whether people in my life support my autonomous choices regarding what is best for me, or they want what they want and do not care how they get it. If they just want what they want, the situation is an opportunity to set a boundary and disengage. I choose to do this.. It is my responsibility to recognize the people and situations that do and do not nourish me, and take appropriate action. I cannot ever expect another person to be fully looking out for my best interests and take care of me, that is my job.

Especially in relationships, be willing to hold a courageous conversation if needed to reinforce your boundaries. Often we tend to have these conversations with people who have violated one of our boundaries. The goal is to teach them to respect your boundaries. The key steps of reinforcing boundaries require you to be willing to hold several conversations to reinforce the boundary.

Inform them that their behaviour is violating a boundary or limit of yours. Tell them it is not acceptable. It is likely that the person may not have a clue that they violated your boundary./ Informer dem om at oppførselen deres er i strid med en grense for deg. Fortell dem at det ikke er akseptabelt. Det er sannsynlig at personen kanskje ikke har en anelse om at de krenket grensen.

Request that they stop. Invite them to figure out alternatives for getting their own needs met./ Be om at de stopper. Be dem finne ut alternativer for å få sine egne behov møtt.

If they still persist, require that they stop./ Hvis de fortsatt fortsetter, be dem om å stoppe.