Major Spoilers Question Of The Day: Real-Life Superhero Edition

by Matthew Peterson

There are times when I feel like a bad comic book fan. (Mostly, these have to do with conversations about Wolverine’s status as comic-book poster boy or the wonderfulness that is Batman.) The most recent discussion that left me feeling like a bad fanboy addressed the subject of what real-life personages would make for good superheroes, with name-checks for Bradley Cooper, Christian Bale and Jillian “I’m Mean Because Fat People Deserve It” Michaels. The entire time, I was thinking how those pretty boys (and girl) would totally wilt under the pressure of AIM, Hydra or Cobra, and probably soil themselves if confronted with Electro. My choices for who would best weather the punishing reality of running, jumping and swinging from ropes fighting crime included Mick Foley, stunt-woman Zoë Bell and the kid who plays Moe Doodle. (He’s an acrobat and singer who has been shown to be able to handle a very physical show over long periods of time.) Some time ago, Rodrigo put in his two cents worth, but I felt the need to take it to the people for some feedback.

The MS-QOTD (pronounced, as always “misquoted”) says “Open your mouth, and eat your roll!”, asking:What real person do ya think is mostly likely to thrive as a superhero if you stuck a cape on them tomorrow?

Share this:

Once upon a time, there was a young nerd from the Midwest, who loved Matter-Eater Lad and the McKenzie Brothers... If pop culture were a maze, Matthew would be the Minotaur at its center. Were it a mall, he'd be the Food Court. Were it a parking lot, he’d be the distant Cart Corral where the weird kids gather to smoke, but that’s not important right now... Matthew enjoys body surfing (so long as the bodies are fresh), writing in the third person, and dark-eyed women. Amongst his weaponry are such diverse elements as: Fear! Surprise! Ruthless efficiency! An almost fanatical devotion to pop culture!
And a nice red uniform.

MMA fighter Georges St. Pierre (in his prime). All-around athlete, but I think his personality and attitude are what would make him a superhero. He’s pure class. He is also three-time Canadian athlete of the year, which focuses on not only athletic prowess but community involvement. He would fit in at Alpha Flight I think.

I would have picked Mick Foley 8-10 years ago because he’s certainly built to take punishment. I’m not so sure about anymore, though. Still my favorite wrestler ever, just not sure he’d be able to handle the damage like he once could.

Since you said “real person” and not “celebrity”, I’m going to go with a friend of mine I grew up with and met when we were both going through chemo as kids. I kinda think of him as a superhero already because he manages to get himself in to these situations where he ends up helping someone somehow. Most of the time he handles it logically (getting the cops rather than getting involved), but he’s pulled a few crazy stunts (ran in to a burning house to help an elderly woman out). I don’t know if he’s brave or just delusional, but he’s certainly someone I trust to do the right thing.

Many professional athletes would probably be pretty good. MMA guys especially. This model also makes me think about how unrealistic Batman and other non-powered superheroes are…A pro athlete’s career is not typically very long, and frequently ended due to injury. Some guys can operate at a high level for 10-15 years if they can avoid a major injury, but they are only performing at that level part of the year and maybe once or twice a week, three times tops.

In the case of Boxers and MMA fighters they might only fight once a month or less. Batman, getting beaten up night after night, would eventually get hurt, blow out a knee, suffer multiple concussions, or worse. I’d say realistically Batman’s career would be over in less than five years even if he wins almost all the fights he’s in.

What about Travis Pastrana? Not sure if he has a superhero personality, but I think he actually does have some medical condition that suppresses the fear hormone in his body. (This is according to a documentary I watched about him – take that with a grain of salt).