It’s Saturday afternoon. Your husband has not moved from the sofa since breakfast. You bring a hammer, a nail, and a tape measure from the basement and lay them all out in front of your husband, thanking him kindly for agreeing to hang the photo. You even prompt him with a little, “Remember what happened last time I tried to hang the photo in the stairwell? We had to turn our necks 90 degrees just to see everyone right side up.”

He laughs at the memory and says, “Leave it to me this time. I’ll hang it.” Meanwhile, he turns up the volume on the TV and continues to watch re-runs on the History Channel.

You feel your blood pressure rising. You want the picture hung and you’d like it on the wall before your parents visit for breakfast on Sunday. You don’t want to remind him a third time, though, for fear of sounding like a nag.

What’s going on inside your husband’s head? Simple. He is home from work and enjoying his first free Saturday in a month. He wants to sit and watch TV unbothered and feels resentful of any encroachment on his time. On the other hand, he doesn’t want to come right out and tell you his feelings, because he fears having an argument. He has learned, though years of practice, that compliant defiance, aka passive aggression, is a satisfying way to express his anger.

Indeed, by nightfall, you are fuming about his complete lack of help around the house and the fact that the photo is still un-hung. You yell. You scream. You completely lose your cool and then feel embarrassed about your loss of control. Meanwhile, your husband, still cool as a cucumber, looks at you wide-eyed and says, “Wow. You don’t need to snap at me like that. I didn’t know you wanted it hung right away. I’ll go do it now.”

With your young children just put to bed upstairs, he begins an exaggerated process of yelling down the stairs to you about proper photo frame placement. Then, he noisily hammers into the wall. The children awaken and you are ready to explode for the second time that evening. With an angry smile, your husband politely asks, “Anything else, dear?”

One of the greatest dangers that passive aggression poses to a relationship is how the targeted person becomes emotionally flooded and worn down before they even realize that passive aggressive dynamics are in play. The ability to recognize passive aggressive behaviors as they are occurring is critical to disengaging from the conflict and to avoiding becoming a naïve and unwitting victim of a person’s predictable and destructive way of engaging you. The most common passive aggressive behaviors include:

Responding effectively to passive aggressive behavior in a relationship requires the ability to acknowledge and own the feelings of anger that a spouse's passive aggression creates. Self-awareness and self-talk are essential to managing your responses to passive aggressive behavior. As in the example above, if you ask a spouse to do a favor and he verbally agrees but behaviorally delays, you probably will ask him again. But if you have to ask a third time, you should immediately consider that passive aggressive dynamics may be in play. Say to yourself:

I have a feeling this may be passive aggressive behavior. He wants me to get angry and yell, so it will end up being my problem and not his. I will not participate in this unproductive passive aggressive conflict cycle. I know what is behind his procrastination and intentional inefficiency. It is his feelings of anger and resentment that he is unwilling to express to me openly.

3. State Requests Clearly

In the picture hanging example, while the wife knew that she wanted the picture hung before her parents’ arrival early the next day, she never specifically stated this in her multiple requests to her husband. In her mind, the time frame was obvious, but the unspoken message gave her husband a loophole for feigning misunderstanding—a classic passive aggressive technique. The skill of managing this type of passive aggressive behavior is to set specific expectations, including time frames, for any request. Never assume that a passive aggressive person understands your needs. Even if the task is a routine one that has been carried out many times in the past, this ounce of prevention is worth every penny of a cure for passive aggressive behavior. Use care not to allow sarcasm or condescension in your voice as you detail the request. Rather, make your expectations as clear as possible in a neutral, assertive tone.

What do you do when your passive aggressive husband reads this blog and then uses the idea of 'clearly stating requests' against you so that you need to give step by step directions as if talking to a child to get any request met?

And if when a clear, time specific request is agreed to and then backed out of he claims, well I thought you would be reasonable about it.

When asking your spouse for anything is more trouble than it is worth, then what?

In my house, "would you please hang the picture today so that it is up when my parents come over tomorrow" would get the same result. But you didn't remind me, I don't know where you want it, I forgot, time got away from me, or those words that have grown to feel more and more like an insult, because they are so untrue, 'I'm sorry.".

Passive aggressive behavior can't be fixed with clarity, if they understand exactly what you want and how important it is to you, the chance they will not do it increases. My PA husband can be great and super helpful, so long as it is his idea. He does what he wants to do, and asking is a sure way to make him not want to do something.

https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=31053 HOPE YOU ALL CAN ACCESS THIS SITE, ITS THE BEST ARTICLE IVE READ ON P A BEHAVIOUR. MY HUBAND WOULD WIN THE PRIZE ON IGNORANCE, I DONT THINK HE REALIZES HOW STUPID HE APPEARS WHEN EXIHIBITIG THIS BEHAVIOUR. EXTREMELY FRUSTING FOR ME.

I am suffering of the same thing, Y think my husband has a passive aggressive behavior or similar but I cant stand this situation. He does exactly the opposite of my requeests but without complaint only taking for ever to do it etc. we get in o fights often specially now that I feel very irritable because I am tired of being ignored or get the silent treatment. I need help!! I don't talk with anybody about this.

I agree 100%. If he knows I want something, he will not budge. However I agree with the article that he is looking for a reaction from me and yes he usually gets it, so now that I am aware of it, I will try harder to not let him entice me into his world.

You are correct. These PA's thrive on your reactions. What a distorted thing to make a person happy. It's taken me some time to learn that, & much more time to learn NOT to respond, it's difficult, but I am strong, at least as strong if not STRONGER than my PA husband who continually attempts to goad me into an outbreak, or response to his behavior. He still does the things that got my response YEARS ago, but I can honestly say he has not discovered any new triggers as I am hip to his game, I WILL NOT RESPOND! As much as his tries, sometimes quite overtly, I will not respond. It's not easy, but I've learned his way. Yes, these men have inferiority complexes, determined to do things "their" way regardless of your feelings. I think mine needs
lessons in communication skills & anger management, all that unecessary pent up anger, which I feel stems from his feelings of inadequacy, most well deserved. Lazy, no ambition, full of excuses. An embarassment to the male species.

I think that getting too specific and clear is engaging with spouse's PA. There comes a point when you're fighting a choice that they're making. I would suggest finding a work around. Maybe calmly let him know that you'll hire a handyman to do the work instead since you need it done faster than he has time for. No guilt, just take care of your needs.

Yes this works for me. My PA unique motivator is money. I threaten to get handy man in if he will not do a job which will reduce his allowance which I have to give him or he will spend our money, even then he tries to manipulate me into giving him mine. Wise up to it!!

I don't agree. I have been married to a PA husband for fifteen years and it took me YEARS to figure out what was going on. If you decide to just do things on your own eventually you and your husband will virtually have no contact at all. And then whats the point of being married? This was the case for my husband and I for 5-6 years; we both went about our lives, seperately. More recently, my husband has become very tired of this, he doesn't realize that it was his doing. And of course we did not have sex, because as I told my husband "why would I want to have sex with someone who has no interest in spending time with me?" Also, sometimes I just say to him, in the heat of an arguement (or it is more a "negotiation") "I'm not not your Mother," which sometimes sinks in.

i fully agree with u, i am in a similar Situation but over the years i have learnt this; stay neutral, don´t let him knows when
u are excited about anything, your happy hours do not share with him. just wear this serious face on and Keep a distance.
if he does something good fine and when not Point this out. always take your stand and let him know u will tolerate any unacceptable attitudes(on big issues) and ignores the Little things , above all self discipline on your part, no nagging as much as u can avoid.
do not let this steal your joy and turn u into something u are not.
best wishes

I absolutely agree. Setting out clear and explicit requirements can only lead to more trouble. All you are doing is explaining to your spouse exactly how s/he can frustrate you.

I have a parallel thing going on: My wife always tells me she'll call me when she's away for the day, but doesn't. She knows I get worried if I don't hear from her. But the more explicit I make my request the more likely she is not to call me. If I challenge her when she gets home, there is always an explanation. "Well I was already in the car and on my way - what difference does 30 minutes make?" Despite clearly agreeing to call before she set off, suddenly there are reasons not to bother.

Of course, it makes a LOT of difference, because she is not calling when I would expect her to call. She knows that, but just keeps on doing it. My being more explicit about my needs just makes it more certain that she will not comply. It's like living with a teenager.

So no, don't be clearer. If you want to stop the behaviour, you need to stop feeding them rewards for doing it. That means stop reacting with frustration. Stop allowing them to punish you for whatever is making them angry. Laugh at them for being so childish, and for not having the guts to talk to you honestly about what is angering them. Bring it out in the open. yes, the article got this bit right. But don't keep setting up expectations that your partner will relish failing to meet.

I feel terrible for you. My dh is the same way. I'll call or text and get nothing. 30 mins later he'll walk through the door and I'll say (casually) hey did you get my text and he'll say yeah I was right here coming up. No jerk off I texted you 30 minutes ago. You were not home.

It's like living with a teenager. If I'm happy he tries to ruin it. If I'm upset he blames me or ignores me. I regret marrying him because it's so lonely.

I can relate to this. After 30 years of marriage, I too am married to a teenager. Shoots down any suggestion I make, takes joy whene I genuinely make a mistake, as we ALL do occassionally, telling me about it time & time again, I think in his mind it makes him feel superior, while totally ignoring when HE makes a human error. If I say black, he says white, etc. etc. I feel you can't change them. Responding with a laugh instead of a frown or retort seems to make a slight difference. Oh the games we play. My job is to cook, his to clean up. Often this does'nt get accomplished til 11 or 12 at night. "WHATS THE HURRY! You want it done NOW, so it has to be YOUR way?" I would never marry this man again even though he has a hundred other good qualities. Too emotionally draining, I deserve more.

Yes! Everything he says or does is provoke an argument. He will "forget" responsibilities and then blame me for reminding him. I need to get him out!!! I want to find a nice want with effective communication skills. Someone happy that likes to have fun.

To those of you with a PA spouse, does he or she have any friends or healthy relationships?

My PS husband has NO friends, alienated them all many years ago. If we were invited out with people, I have to tell him, as if he were a child "be nice, keep your mouth shut". this does'nt work BECAUSE it's something "I" want, so, he must go against me. A griup of past friends no longer asks us to join in. While out 1 evening, we saw the group. My husband queried "I wonder why I was'nt invited, I think they don't like you (meaning me.)" He has NO friends, I do. I think that says it all. ANy one early on in a marriage like thins should think long & hard. Don't invest 30 years as I did.

That's my concern. He acts like he's the life of the party when around my friends family or coworkers but if he does have any they have been kept at a distance. Neither of us socialize with anyone he knows.

He asks ridiculous questions to sales associates (mostly young kids that don't know or care about their products) but he can't have a single meaningful conversation with me.

He knows I believe he's PA because I confronted h with PA articles in the past. His response was PA. He makes weak jokes.

5y of marriage, 3y tormented by his older children, 1y of figuring out husband has passive aggressive behavior, 6mos of trying to learn how to cope, & 6mos realizing i can't LIVE the rest of my life this way. I am tired of the mind games & done living the lies. What life I have left, I want peace of mind. Did you know you can get a divorce for $1500.00? I personally am seeking a lawyer as I do not trust my husband. wishing you all happiness!

My spouse and I have been in counselling for a year or so. For the past ten years' of married life he was never 'there' when needed and absented himself from important times in my life. He has sabotaged and procrastinated to a point where I could not respect nor rely on him anymore. He's great at his job and we have small children and live comfortably. I would be a rubbish single mum and I am hoping to give it a go now that I understand what I should do : Avoid speaking my mind, avoid discussion on personal subjects that could be critical, avoid criticising him, retreat into my own world and focus on objectively making the kids' lives happier and functional. But I am desperately lonely as well at times and feel that I am somehow not realising that I am settling for a 'rut, that I am way short of what a relationship should deliver. Sex is very limited as well. Wonder how one measures whether to stay or just let go.

I just found out after 24 years of crazy, that my husband was PA about 4 months ago. I always knew something was off, but couldn't figure it out.

I got through it by doing what your are suggesting, going into my own world, focusing on the kids, and making their life better. Problem is, the kids are gone, and I'm still here with a crazy person. To make matters worse, several of my children have PA. In fact, during their teen years, I suffered immensely as I tried to pick up the load he wasn't carrying, work, and deal with the issues with the teen kids, while they acted out. The kids felt like I was the problem, since I was the only one enforcing the rules. They had developed a low opinion of me, since he spent his time relaxing and openly rebelling against the slightest suggestion for support, the teens micmicked this behaviour as they got older. It was impossible to get them to make good decisions for themselves, or get any help from anyone. I felt like a prisioner in my own home.

I strongly urge you to learn from my mistakes. Ignoring does not help. I could go on and on listing the mental/emotional damage I suffered. I hope that you take a leap of faith, and get out while you can! I'm in therapy to try to regain control of my life, but my greatest regret is that I didn't trust my instinct that something was off and get out sooner! I'm 45, and although I'm brave enough to start over, I just wish I had done it sooner.
Good Luck to you!

But I think it's reasonable for a spouse to be somewhat accomodating of ones quirks. I have a quirk of being scared of driving fast (since a car accident 10 years ago). I don't have too many of those quirks--but yes, on our recent road trip, I asked my husband to not break 60 mph on the freeway. If I was constantly micromanaging, I would agree that it was a problem, but I think there needs to be some give and take with each other's humanness. It's called being "considerate."

I completely agree. I already feel like his mother most of the time anyway, the last thing I need is to have to spell it out for him like a little kid. Come on, he knows what I mean, and yet they run you around in circles anyway. I think the better advice is to simply not let it get a rise out of you, although this is hard.

From my experience and research, PA people tend to choose spouses who are at the opposite end of the spectrum: live wires who show all their emotions. IN this way, the PA spouse gets to "live through" their spouse's emotions as well as blame all the fighting on the loud one. They usually select the types who are the very opposite of passive-aggressive. And so it's very hard to go against your nature and not let things bother you...

I completely agree. I already feel like his mother most of the time anyway, the last thing I need is to have to spell it out for him like a little kid. Come on, he knows what I mean, and yet they run you around in circles anyway. I think the better advice is to simply not let it get a rise out of you, although this is hard.

From my experience and research, PA people tend to choose spouses who are at the opposite end of the spectrum: live wires who show all their emotions. IN this way, the PA spouse gets to "live through" their spouse's emotions as well as blame all the fighting on the loud one. They usually select the types who are the very opposite of passive-aggressive. And so it's very hard to go against your nature and not let things bother you...

Completely agree with this.My husband was perfect until we married and then the PA behaviour started.He delights in denying my needs, when I'm specific with a request he will start an argument and then blame me.My h has no friends and very limited contact with his family.I wish I had realised how much of a red flag this is.
I'm not sure you can succeed in having a happy relationship with a PA partner unless he is willing to accept his behaviour.
My husband had a bullying mum but a PA father so the behaviour is ingrained and not likely to change.

My husband just totally ignores me when Iam talking to him. When I ask him why he does not bother to answer me he just says oh well you didn't give me a chance i was thinking. Ya for over an hour? If I had not said something to him again he would not have even bothered to answer me. he promises to do things for me but never does them. I agree i have tried to be more specific with my requests but it does not matter he still does nothing. This has been going on for 26 years. he would always do things for his parents right away or his friends without any delay. It makes me feel like Iam not as important as everyone else in his life. It also makes me feel like he doesn't love me.I have tried everything to get him to wake up and change but nothing helps.If i complain about it he blames everything on me and if i don't complain or say anything he still does nothing.It is driving me nuts! Iam beginning to think that I should just give up if he doesn't care enough about me to help out but he will help everyone else instead.

This sounds like every conversation I've ever had with my husband. He's spent 45 minutes complaining about how I won't let him talk.
All of this silly advice from the people that should know how to cope with this crazy behaviour is useless. They presuppose that your spouse is interested in something other than hurting and frustrating you, along with proving to themselves that you mean nothing to them. This equals that you have no power, no pull and no say in anything they do! You can't reason with someone who is not reasonable.

My husband just totally ignores me when Iam talking to him. When I ask him why he does not bother to answer me he just says oh well you didn't give me a chance i was thinking. Ya for over an hour? If I had not said something to him again he would not have even bothered to answer me. ... he would always do things for his parents right away or his friends without any delay. It makes me feel like Iam not as important as everyone else in his life.

If I told my husband that he makes me feel unloved and unimportant, he would be so happy. He wants me to feel this way and has successfully isolated me except for being the care giver to him and our daughter, I can never do enough for them. He feels unimportant and unloved because he was adopted. Now he has thrived and for me it is quite the opposite, whereas before I was happy, independent, adventurous. But knowing all this doesn't help. I'm at my wits' end. I can't see how to get out of this hideous place.

Turn the tables on him. Start doing things without bothering to tell him. Forget to prepare a meal. Whatever he is expecting from you, forget to do it, and don't bother explaining. And when he complains, come up with a lame excuse like "You never said you wanted food tonight" or "You should have reminded me". Let him see what it feels like.

Obviously you know that turning the tables is not a productive move. It sounds like a big case of revenge. If you want to ruin your relationship...yes, turn the tables. My experience is that turning the tables only get the spouse angry enough to plot another course of revenge. When does it stop. How far are you going to go with this totally terrible advise. If it were me I would simply sit the spouse down and expain to them your feelings or concerns or else shut up and swallow your pride. I do that at least 2 or 3 times a day by not saying anything about whats been done. Then I get accused of giving my spouse the silent treatment. Anymore I really don't have any self esteem to comment anything to anyone. Call me stupid, call me anything ,but don't call me rude. I am so careful about what everyone else might say that I smother my self. Thats not healthy either, but its better than a causing a fight and having that blamed on me too!!

You're wrong! I've decided to turn the tables on my husband and it works. It's only revenge the first time. It works and then you feel happy, free and powerful. He's left confused and anxious which is exactly what he's trying to do to me! I WIN!

You win when you become a PA?
Interested in harming and revenge and making up your own rules for who "deserves" your punishment and when it isn't revenge (whenever you say it isn't).
This is how people become PA's.
It was wrong when your husband did it and it is wrong when you do it.

It does work but because they feel insecure rather than remorseful they will become creepily distant and reduce their emotional communication . And also they will get their own back if you ever revert to being nice.

I don't think your strategy will work either. When I finally figured out what was going on, after 15 years, with my PA husband,I thought"ok, I'll just ignore it, not get angry etc... Result is that we have almost no Relationship; we don't talk, never have sex (I can't sleep with someone who has interest in me), never do things together and on and on... I really regret I ever met him. I'm not perfect either, but life is too short, and its a lonely way to live.

Having read this and read the informative comments I've realized that when my husband isn't being overtly aggressive, verbally and emotionally, he is consistently at other times, passive aggressive.
This accounts for the atmosphere of menace and trepidation, even when he's ok. But how to live with it please? I'm spending another sunny day in bed to block out the misery of him whistling and banging about.

Turn the tables on him. Start doing things without bothering to tell him. Forget to prepare a meal. Whatever he is expecting from you, forget to do it, and don't bother explaining. And when he complains, come up with a lame excuse like "You never said you wanted food tonight" or "You should have reminded me". Let him see what it feels like.

Turning the tables will only succeed in poisoning yourself. You imagine for a second that these people don't understand the consequences of their behaviour? They do and all of this advice amounts to empty promises of how you can control the people around you. You can't influence anyone who is bound and determined to not be influenced by you - that's the bottom line. These people will only change when they see some reason to (some reason not suggested by the person who loves them most in the world, of course) and that is unlikely to happen. Revenge turns us all into PA's - accept how they really are and either live with it or don't - they will never care how you are affected by their behaviour.

My husband is a selfish, lazy, depressed, inconsiderate loser. I don't know what triggered his PA but it's terrible. I wish I could just divorce him and find a real man. Someone capable of communication, laughing, sex and fun! He's like an annoying teenager. I've read all the above replies and I've turned the table on him myself. I don't us PA behavior with anyone else. Just him. I REFUSE to let him ever see me angry again. My happiness EATS HIM ALIVE.

I have been reading the posts here and they are all familiar to me.
Wil and I have been married for 6 years. This is my third marriage and I am 43. I thought, after taking a four year break between husband number two and Wil, I had cleansed (therapy) my mind and gotten rid of my past demons. Finally emotionally healthy enough to marry again, this time till death do us part.

I had a list of what I wanted in a man and did not settle for anything less during those four years of cleansing and learning who I am and what I want in life. When I met Wil, I was hesitant to marry him because I was afraid of failing again, but he was a wonderful man, a dream come true. Not this PA monster he is today. After year one, I started noticing whenever we had conflicts, he always blamed me. I have always been a realist so I thought perhaps my bad bossy ways had reared its ugly head again. This wonderful man couldn't possibly be the bad one. I worked harder at being a better person. Still everything seemed to be my fault. Being a religious person, I would brush things off as saying God wants me to work harder, or God has a sense of humor. This is just a curb ball to see if I will fail again. I worked harder to express my anger by starting discussions with "I feel I," or "My feelings are hurt when...," I focused on not being defensive, or use attacking words. I have read every "Make Your Marriage Divorce Proof" or "10 Steps to a Happier Marriage" and many other how to's, and do's and don't' in a marriage.

I am a very forgiving person that does not like conflict so I have been brushing off a lot of his bad behavior and moving on FOR THE SAKE OF OUR MARRIAGE. I forgive and forget, unlike him. In every argument, I have to endure years of things I have done. It is his ammunition against me. I have none because I have forgiven and forgotten past issues.

This past summer on my birthday we had a HUGE argument (the straw that broke the camel's back) and I watched him distort the truth of the issue just so he would get out of taking responsibility for his actions. Did I mention he yells as loudly as possible during arguments, I suppose to shut me down. This is what he has been doing all along. He makes me out to be the crazy one every time. He never apologizes for his actions, somehow they are always a reaction to my CRAZINESS. He has told me I am not his life partner, I am his ENEMY.

He cannot have a 2 minute conversation with me but he can laugh and carry on with everyone else. I feel alone and so distant from him. I wish he would be carefree and loving toward me as he is with everyone else. When I mentioned to him how I felt, he attacked me by saying I am jealous, controlling, and a kill joy and he could not believe I would be jealous of this person. I assured him that was not the case, but he stonewalled me. He later told the person I was jealous of their interactions. I felt embarrassed beyond belief when I found out, as this was never the case.

When Wil and I decided to marry, his ex wife told me to watch out because Wil was Passive Aggressive, but coming from her, I took it with a grain of salt and moved on. Wil always made her out to be the Crazy Drama Queen. I always brush off what they say about the other as I am close with my step children.

I have read several articles on Passive Aggressive Disorder and my husband fits the bill. I have come to understand that my PERFECT Wil was only an act to get me to marry him because he does not like being alone. I am sick of his bad behavior that I am determined not to let him get away with it any longer. I am angry that I have been blaming myself for every disagreement we have had and even questioning my sanity. I know now this is all his doing, this is what he wants me to feel. I feel manipulated and taken advantage of. He has gone to great lengths to satisfy his need to be the victim of MY madness.

I feel so emotionally beat up right now. One thing that DOES give me comfort in all this, shall I say, MADNESS, is the fact that I have carried my weight in this marriage. I have done as God wants me to do. What's next? I don't know. what I DO know is that I do not want to live like this for what is left of my life.

Appreciate your feelings. One thing I want to ask is for a specific example of his PA behaviour. The reason for this is that I think a person's failure to do what you would like/expect is only PA if your expectation is reasonable. For example, if he promised to call you and then 'forgot', that's PA. If you told him to do some domestic job and he didn't do it, that is not. People don't have an obligation to just obey their spouse, no matter what, so it wouldn't be PA for him not to. Can you give examples, please?

Example of PA's behavior - husband instructed me to deposit sale proceeds of an investment property into my name linked to our joint account (his reasoning, he might pay more taxes). Six months down the road, arguing over silly thing, he accused me of being greedy for taking all the money. When I confronted him that it was his instruction, he got angry and of course, blame me again. How do you deal with that?

Another one, he took early retirement and don't change t-shirt for weeks and going around the house in underwear, even going to the yard, when I ask him why he is doing it, he replied, it is comfortable and when I told him a couple of times, that it is really rude and for my sake, put on proper shorts. It caused a big fight.

The last straw was he threatened (poised) to hit me on the face with a clenched fist. Told him, go ahead because I will have him in jail. It stopped him but this is over.

My husband said he wanted a denim shirt. I said "great, look on the internet; there's more of a selection and often its cheaper." He responded "Where, how, help me." So, we looked at several sites and finally he found one he liked. I said, "Fine, get it." He says that he doesn't know how to do a transaction on the internet. So I did it. After several weeks I noticed that he wasn't wearing the shirt. I asked why? He said that he didn't like it anymore. I said that he shouln't have bought it. He then responded that he didn't, I did;

I'm sorry you are having such a s****y time. I wouldn't see that as PA, though. Holding a fist poised to punch you in the face is a very active aggression. I hope it is over. No-one expects you to stay in a marriage like that.

All those behaviours you described previously. They are those of a controller, maybe a narcissist. You really cannot expect them to change. You have to get out.

Thanks for your comment. Husband has been passive aggressive in 36 years of our marriage. He is a momma's boy. She humiliated me in public, wrecked our wedding day, lied, just a horrible bully - she died last December - because the oldest son took all her money, bled her to death because that sociopath son hooked up with a 29-year old married woman with 2 young sons and left his wife of 35 years. Maybe this Momma's boy is grieving for his mom who betrayed him before she died. That sociopath brother is now on the run from the law because he and his mistress have been charged with adultery and instead of paying bail, he is now hiding - probably, trying to get out of the country. Husband has graduated from passive aggressive to active aggression because I am not afraid of him. He has not reduced me to become "crazy". We are living apart. He is overseas in our vacation house and I am at home. He is a B-grader and am A-grader, and a scholar in high school and college. Can you see the irony in that? I am asking myself, how an intelligent, talented woman end up with a pathetic, unmotivated, underachiever, undeveloped, immature boy? I I am moving on, and making a bucket list.