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Archive For August 28, 2014

Being bipolar is an odd mix of pleasure and pain; One moment I’m completely engulfed by the crushing beauty all around me and I’m wildly creative because everything feels so wonderful that I can’t contain myself. Then with my next breath it feels like the air has been sucked out of my lungs and like I’m drowning in the darkest depths of my mind wherein everything that I’m lacking is lit up in harsh, bright light. It’s so intoxicating to be up that I just want to stay there forever but I think that’s likely impossible, at least I’ve never heard of anyone managing it.

For the last year I’ve become progressively more and more medicated until the point of where I felt a little bit miserable and numb but so very stable. Under the current lens that I’m viewing the world under, I think that I may have been numbing myself a bit with the medications because it was too easy. However, that made it so I was beginning to feel hollow and shallow. It’s funny to me that when I was coming off the medication earlier this week I was terrified of the lack of control and now I feel the opposite.

So that’s where I’m at: Lightly medicated, very emotionally sensitive and feeling like everything is turned up to “high”. I feel so alive but it’s a double edged sword that I’m walking the very very fine line of: If I slip too far in either direction of mania or depression I’ll be consumed by it. Honestly, I should be re-adding small amounts of my medication and I’ll likely do that but I want to ride the high as long as possible.

Right this second, I feel like I’ve lost the high. I feel pessimistic, tired, a little hopeless and introspective. It feels like I’ve got a weight of sadness and loss sitting on my chest, threatening to crush me. I think there is likely some truth to those feelings but I recognize that most of the feeling is my ailment. As far as the truth, I think I miss being partnered as opposed to having a partner. Whether that connection is romantic or platonic, it doesn’t really matter. I just miss having that intensity of connection with someone. I guess that’s what I’m craving: Shared intensity, shared experience, sharing myself and having someone to keep up with me. I don’t know if I’ll ever find that again but I do know that if I remain closed to that reality as a possibility, it will never happen. I don’t like doing things that are limiting.

I’m pretty spoiled, all things considered; I’ve managed to live my life where basically everything practical is taken care of plus the benefits of having a wide range of friends to lean on when I need it. Right now though, I feel lonely. It feels like I’m falling apart inside and driving myself crazy trying to cover all the cracks and plug all the leaking emotional holes. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) Try as I might, I’m still really raw and it’s because my normal support system is working really hard and that’s great. Growth and progress is really important and I value that but while that helps a little bit, I’m still a fucking mess. It feels like I’m reaching out into the darkness of the rest of the world to try to find a hand to hold on to to pull myself up again. The problem is, I don’t know how to build the connect where holding on to someone is appropriate or healthy for everyone involved. When it happens it seems to happen on accident and when I feel like I “need” it, the situation is just FUBAR.

Don’t get me wrong, normally I’m broken in pretty entertaining and weird ways so it’s not like I’m trying to argue that before the new job I was totally stable and normal- That would be a big fucking lie. Right now though? Right this second? I’m a brooding hurricane of doubt, passion, vulnerability, inspiration, anger, fear and intoxicating glee. Every other second it feels like I’m shifting from negative to positive and that doesn’t feel right to me. I just want to feel normal and balanced for a second so I can clear my head and get some perspective. However, I think that I’ve forgotten how to do that.

I think that probably the best course of action is just take a deep breath, close my eyes and let it all be.
Yeah, that’s what I need to do.