Other Humour

The story behind this... Apparently, there's a fellow who digs things out of his
backyard and sends his "discoveries" to the Smithsonian Institute, labelling them
with scientific names and insisting they are actual archaeological finds. The bizarre truth
is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway, what follows is a
letter from the Smithsonian Institute in response to his submission of a recently discovered
specimen.

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled "211-D, layer
seven, next to the clothesline, post Hominid skull." We have given this specimen careful
and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two
million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie
doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the
"Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar
with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.

However, we feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which
might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimetres, well below
the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with that
of a common domesticated canine (dog) than it is of the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene
clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is
certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this
institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.

Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed upon.
B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the
specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its
normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent
geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956
AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name
"Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously
for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the
museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another
riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You
should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display
of the specimens you have previously submitted to this Institution, and the entire staff
speculates daily on what you might happen upon next in your digs at the site you have
discovered in your backyard.

Additionally, we eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital, which you proposed
within your last letter. Several of us on the staff are pressing the Director to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the
"trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" which make
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered, take on the deceptive
appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the
following are questions actually asked by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere."

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

You wake up at 3 am. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way
back to bed.

You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0
or higher."

You name your child Dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the
plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ... and your child in
the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free
Internet access.

You laugh at people with ordinary dial-up modems.

You start using smileys in your snail mail.

Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch.
You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to
communicate with the modem...and you succeed.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "John Doe at CSi dot com."

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

Your cat has its own home page.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral
nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You tell the taxi driver you live at
"http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html."

Rothesay, Scotland

In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland in
Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff
and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building. A few minutes later they returned
and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When
they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a
practical joke. One of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his
ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors
again. They were captured.

San Francisco, California

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and
wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the
note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stick
up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then
called the police who arrested him a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the
Bank of America.

Paris

After being released from jail as the result of a clerical error, a bank robber
indicated that he wanted police to return 500,000 francs he stole during several bank raids.
"I simply want them to return money which was honestly stolen," said Philippe
Thomas. "It's a scandal to have your savings robbed from you like that."

Bumpus, Tennessee

A bank robber in Bumpus, Tennessee, handed a teller the following note: "Watch
out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your but. Dump the muny in a sack, this one.
No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you a new naval."

Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such notes are,
lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see poor pre-writing skills, problems
with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling and clarity," he moaned. Smyk believes that
the quality of robbery notes could be improved if criminals could be taught to plan before
writing. "We have to stress organisation: Make an outline of your robbery note before
you write it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked on issues like
the make, model and calibre of the gun, number of bullets, etc., until one loses sight of the
main idea - the robbery."

Bent Forks, Illinois

In Bent Forks, Illinois, kidnappers of ice-cube magnate Worth Bohnke sent a photograph
of their captive to Bohnke's family. Bohnke was seen holding up a newspaper. It was not that
day's edition and, in fact, bore a prominent headline from some years before. This was
pointed out to the kidnappers in a subsequent phone call. They responded by sending a new
photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper. Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture.
When this, too, was refused, the kidnappers became peevish and insisted that a photograph be
sent to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding different issues of
"Success" magazine. They provided a mailing address and were immediately
apprehended. They later admitted to FBI agents they did not understand the principle involved
in the photograph/newspaper concept. "We thought it was just some kind of
tradition," said one. Educators agree that such mix-ups point to poor reasoning and
comprehension skills, ignorance of current events, and failure to complete work in the time
allotted.

Washington, DC.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his
girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see
him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognised his name and arrested him as he
returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Radnor, Pennsylvania

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a bank robbery suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message
"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time
they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was
working, the suspect confessed.

Ionia, Michigan

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash
to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the
robber called the police and was arrested.

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive
cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet
to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance
company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small
fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had
consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the
company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it
would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be
"unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted
the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the
fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested
... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare
cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!

Licence to jail

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the
machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the
chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their
license plate still attached to the bumper.

In the bag

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs
counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer
didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing.
He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Made for TV

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies,
got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to
four years in jail.

Do you accept credit cards?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than
serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got
his prison term back, plus eight more years.

You mean me ??!!

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first
one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot
him.

Deadheads

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the
carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving
should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

Learn your lines

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a
schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a
schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down
at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

Ahh! That's better

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in
recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a
kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

'armless story

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence: "My
client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm
is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence
committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic,
I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he
chooses. "The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial
limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer
retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced,
and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer
dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order
catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit
further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese
sled for the Chairman's annual holiday. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who
recently completed an intensive course at the London School of Economics, is anticipated and
should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also
lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received
unfavourable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest
possible terms, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from
substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his
share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken
out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to
continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following
economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop
forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in
maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In
addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are
therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call
waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how
often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a
portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional
investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of blue chip and high
technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has
long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the
decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection
procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a
good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function
is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained
to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their employment potential.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the
EEC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider
this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids
to try a-mending, a- mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as
these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of constantly
replacing robes damaged during the higher leaps, has prompted the Redundancy Committee to
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Tory politicians. While leaping ability may
be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we have an oversupply of
unemployed Tory politicians this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting
too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will
produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other
expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is
inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the Law Society seeking expansion to include the legal
profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future
to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the
Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1997 Turbo
Roadster. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He
takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old
man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got
there, son?"

The dude replies "A 1997 Turbo Roadster. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so
much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car,
alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can
do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320.

Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Suddenly, Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him, going two, maybe three times as
fast! The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo
Roadster?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo Roadster?

Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror.

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It ploughs into the back of his car, demolishing the
rear end.

The guy jumps out and it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurt
for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there
anything I can do for you?"

This man was in a work related accident, so he filled out an insurance claim. The
insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block
number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident.
You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail
will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on
the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I
had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and
spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I
decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately
attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools
and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11
of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being
jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the
rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my
fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my
right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained
my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately
the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the
barrel.

Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I
refer you again to my weight in block number 11. "As you might imagine, I began a rapid
descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel
coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and
lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto
the pile of tools, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report,
however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty
barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.

A little old lady walked into the main London branch of Barclays Bank clutching a large
paper bag. She told the young man at the window that she wished open an account with the bank
with a £3 million deposit. But first, she said that she wished to meet the Chairman due
to the rather large amount of money involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles
of £100 notes which could have amounted to £3 million, he called the Chairman's
office and arranged the meeting.

The lady was ushered into the Chairman's office and introductions made. The old lady
explained that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a personal level.
The Chairman asked her how she came to have such a large amount of cash. "Was it
inheritance?" he asked.

"No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could
have come into £3 million.

"I bet" she stated.

"You bet!" repeated the Chairman. "As in horses?"

"No," she replied, "I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All
of the sudden she said, "I bet you £25,000 that by 10:00 am tomorrow your balls
will be square".

The bank's Chairman figured that she must be off of her rocker and decided to take her up
on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He
decided to stay home that evening and take no chances - there was £25,000 at stake.

Next morning and took his shower made certain that everything was anatomically as it
should be. He went to his office and waited for the little old lady to arrive, humming on the
way. After all, this was the day he stood to make £25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a
younger man who she introduced as her solicitor. Evidently she always brought him along when
there was such a large amount of money involved.

"Well", she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this", he replied, "but I'm the same as I
always have been, only £25,000 richer". The lady seemed to accept this, but
requested that she be able to see for herself. The Chairman thought that this was reasonable
and dropped his trousers. She reached out and grabbed his balls and, sure enough, they were
not square.

The Chairman looked up and saw her solicitor banging his head against the wall.

"What's up with him?" the Chairman asked.

"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him £100,000.00 that by 10:00 this
morning that I would have the Chairman of Barclays Bank by the balls!"