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Baba Yaga is a poor housekeeper

So as those of you with eyes and attention spans may already knowwe just got finished with a video retelling of the book of Exodusnext up is gonna be Dante’s Infernobut there’s gonna have to be a little lag time unfortunatelybecause I am still incapable of speechand I don’t have access to Dante Alighieri’s agents so i can’t get him to do itand then … it’s not set in stone yetbut it looks like I’m going to be doing Candide after thatassuming people give me a little more money(which you guys are actually doing at a pretty alarming rateso good job)anyway you should make sure to check out the site on valentine’s daycause i have something special plannedoh also today’s myth was suggested by international crimefighter KIRI JUSTICE

Alright so there’s this chick Natasha right

She lives in bumfuck nowhere RussiaWhich is where most people in Russia seem to liveJust judging by the stories I’ve heardNot a whole lot of actual PLACES in Russia it seems likeAnyway this chick lives with her dadAnd they’re doing pretty okSome serious father-daughter bonding shit going onSeeing as Natasha’s mom is DEADIt is all extremely fucking heartwearming

UNTIL ONE DAY THIS FATHER UP AND MARRIES SOME NEW CHICKMy friendsWhat is it about stepmothersAnd being the worst ever?It seems like pretty much a prerequisite for being a stepmotherIs that you have to suck pretty much as hard as possibleAt all timesIs there like a training course?When widowed dudes are looking to get remarriedIs it like adopting a kidWhere you have to contact the stepmother agencyAnd they dispatch a wretched bitch to ruin the lives of your children?ADDITIONALLYwhat is this fathersome kind of ultimate retard?doesn’t he know about stepmothers?and even if for some reason we excuse him for THAT lack of foresighti guess this chick must have mastered the seven deadly vagina tricksbecause he is COMPLETELY UNWILLING TO BELIEVE ANY NEGATIVE SHITTHAT HIS DAUGHTER JUSTIFIABLY SAYS ABOUT THIS EVIL BITCHlike how the stepmother has decided ohyeahmy stepdaughter doesn’t get to eat human food nowjust breadcrusts and distilled sadness ichorand she has to do all the cooking and cleaningand must be beaten constantly because she is the cause of all our problemsGUYSWHAT PROBLEMSTHE ONLY PERSON WHO SEEMS TO BE SUFFERING FROM PROBLEMSIS THE DAUGHTER WHO IS BEING BLAMED FOR THEMTHIS RUSE IS SO TRANSPARENTTHAT IF SOMEONE WORE IT TO THE ACADEMY AWARDSTHERE WOULD BE A WHOLE FUCKING SCANDAL ALL OVER THE PLACEand meanwhile the father is like durr uh sureabuse my daugher as much as you wantjust as long as where your vagina ends up at the end of the dayis on my penis

so this continues for a whileuntil the stepmother decides to try and push her luck ALL THE WAY THE FUCK OFF A CLIFFshe’s like hm abusing this young child is nice and allbut what would be even sweeteris if she was DEADOH LITTLE CHILDand natasha shows up like what the fuck do you want nowand the stepmother is like i want you to go see my sisteryou knowTHE CHILD-EATING WITCH BABA YAGAI need a needle and thread and I hear she has one of thoseand natasha is like seriously?there is a needle and thread right hereand the stepmother is like DON’T FUCK WITH ME GO DIEand natasha is like shit ok i guessand she packs up some like moldy bread and scraps of meat and cheesein a handkerchiefand she sets off into the forestto go get eaten

so after following her stepmothers’ shitty magical directions for HOURSNatasha finally arrives at Baba Yaga’s housewhichby the wayHAS LEGSCHICKEN LEGSand walks around the yardkind of being imposingso Natasha goes up to the gateand she opens itand it’s SUPER SQUEAKYbut luckily there is some oil right thereand so natasha fixes that problemand then she gets into the yardand one of Baba Yaga’s servants is crying her face offand natasha is like good thing I have this handkerchiefso she takes all her food out of the handkerchiefand gives the sadrag to the servantwho is like oh snap thanksand then there’s a dogchewing on a shitty worthless boneand natasha is like WELP I’VE ALREADY GIVEN AWAY HALF MY POSESSIONSMIGHT AS WELL GIVE THIS DOG SOME MEATand the dog seems pretty happy with this

so then Natasha finally gets into the actual housesomehowthe story does not say how she manages to board a mobile chickenhousebut anyway she doesand there’s Baba Yagabeing terrifyingover on her loom probably weaving something really brutallike a beanieFOR A SEVERED HEADanyway Baba Yaga is like what up bitchand Natasha is like my shitty stepmother wants a needle and threadand Baba Yaga is like oh you mean she wants me to eat youI understandjust wait here for a second while I prepare to eat youyou can work the loom in the meantimein fact you fucking better or I will dispense with this entire charadeand just eat you immediatelyand Natasha is like sure i guessand she starts weavingHONESTLY WHY DID SHE EVEN BOTHER GOING TO BABA YAGA’S HOUSESHE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPENWHY NOT GO OUT IN THE WOODS AND JUST CHILL FOR A WHILEAND THEN COME BACK HOME LIKE BOYTHAT SURE WAS SCARYWHAT’S HER STEPMOTHER GONNA DO THEN?EAT HER?anyway Natasha is weaving

so Baba Yaga goes to her servant like heymake a super hot bath for this chickSO I CAN BOIL HER IN ITand the servant is not too jazzed about thisso she proceeds to fill the bathtupusing a fucking sievesuch that she is making very little progress at alland meanwhile natasha is still weavingand she sees a cat just staring at this fucking mouseholeand she is like shit that cat must really want to murder a mousegood thing I have all this shitty cheeseso she gives the cheese to the catand the cat just eats iti guess the cat was not very intent on killing any miceand then the cat is like thanks girland instead of being like HOLY FUCK A TALKING CATNatasha acts like this is a thing cats normally doand is like hey cat what’s goodand the cat is like i bet you want to not get eaten huhand Natasha is like that is a correct assessmentand the cat is like here’s what you doyou see that towel and that comb over there by the bathtub?just grab that shit and runand when Baba Yaga gets close to you just throw that towel behind youand it will turn into a riverand then later throw the comb behind youand it will turn into a foresthonestly I dunno why she keeps this shit in her housebut there it isuse it to your advantageand natasha is like but shitif I stop weavingBaba Yaga will immediately know i am not hereand she’ll just fuck me up for seriousand the cat is like don’t worry i got that shit coveredI am a cat that can talkit follows that I am also a cat that can operate a loomand natasha is like yeah that’s about as reasonable as everything else

so the cat hops on the loomand honestlyit is pretty shitty at loomingjust tangling the fuck out of the deathbeanieinstigating some tantric motherfucking knots up in this bitchand meanwhile Natasha jacks the towel and the comband gets the fuck out of the chickenhouseand she gets to the yardand the dog is about to just fucking rip her upand then it’s like wait a secondyou’re the chick that gave me meat earlierit would be discourteous of me to maul youcarry onand then she gets to the gatewhich of course makes no noise at all because of the oiland then she starts running

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE SHITTY WALKING HOUSEBaba Yaga comes out to murder Natashaonly to find that not only is Natasha not therebut her weaving project is BEYOND RUINEDand she is like dammit catwhat the fuckand the cat is like hey bitch maybe you should try feeding me some timeand Baba Yaga is like fuck youand servant girl why the fuck did you take so long to make the bathand the servant girl is like maybe you should try paying me?and then Baba Yaga is like DOG WHY DIDNT YOU MAUL HERand the dog is like BECAUSE OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED MANNERSand then she is like GATE WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU MAKE ANY NOISEand the gate is like I TOO AM CAPABLE OF SPEECH

so at this point Baba Yaga realizes that she can either argue with animals and inanimate objectsor fucking kill Natashaso she gets on her magic flying mortar and pestlewhich she basically operates by masturbating furiouslyand takes off after Natashaand pretty soon she catches up with herBUT THEN NATASHA CREATES A RIVERWHICH IS MAGIC SO BABA YAGA CAN’T CROSS ITand baba yaga is like fuuuuuckflies back homegets all her cowsmakes them drink the waterand then gets back on her mortar and pestleand takes off after Natasha againat which point natasha summons a whole goddamn FORESTwhich is pretty impressive considering i think she’s already RUNNING IN THE FUCKING FORESTand predictably Baba Yaga is totally unable to navigate DOUBLEFORESTso Natasha gets awayand she gets back homeand she’s like hey dadI think you have some grounds for divorceit’s called your wife is related to a witchwho she just tried to feed me tooh also i mean there’s the child abuse but come onwe’re russianwe boldly explore depths of misery that other countries can only imagineand so her dad divorces ultrabitchand he and his altruistic daughter live happily ever afteruntil they die during the harsh, harsh winter

so the moral of the storyis if someone tells you to go visit their evil cannibal sisterout in the middle of the forestjust stay homeotherwise you might have to be kind to animalsand who the fuck wants to do that?

Okay, no it wouldn't, but it would give me a chance to say it a few times a day, which would make me happy. "What are you listening to?" "Oh, it's Tantric Motherfucking Knots' new single, called 'Tantric Motherfucking Knots,' off of their self-titled first album 'Tantric Motherfucking Knots.' Here, listen!"

Whereas if I were to just go around whispering "tantric motherfucking knots" to myself all day and giggling, they'd probably have to take me away.

Do you know any Ukrainian myths? My friend told me one about a guy who rubbed a lamp or something, and a genie came out, but instead of wishes the genie just offered to beat people up for the person that freed them. Eventually the genie became a professional boxer. What I am saying is that Ukrainian folk tales might be right up your alley.

"I TOO AM CAPABLE OF SPEECH". Of course, in an office environment one must suppress laughter, an act that results in quiet, convulsive tears streaming down your face. Fortunately, the office is where dreams go to die, so no one questions this.

The command for the chicken house to let you in is “Hut on chicken legs, stand with your front to me, with your back to the forest”. The house responds by turning with the front door to you and bending its knees.