WWATFM

It is a complicated world, and today’s worker, student, and/or working student intern has to memorize more data points than ever to prove useful to his instructor/employer. In the internet age, when all data is instantly accessible to everyone at all times, you might think that rote memorization would be increasingly less important, and that we might turn our minds over to such frivolous pursuits as self-actualization, critical thinking, or plotting the perfect crime. But studies have shown again and again that employers are not looking for people who have started to wonder why they have to go to an office eight hours a day to do work they could just as easily do from home in three hours! They’re looking for people who will unquestioningly commit to memory facts, procedures, and lists of activities without asking a lot of time-wasting questions like “If you make six times my salary, why don’t you just remember this stuff yourself?”

Besides, the world is changing every day because of new social patterns, technologies, and economic necessities. New investigations into situational ethics, for example, have revealed that every good boy does not, in fact, deserve favor; increased road safety standards have ensured that dumb kids playing catch on the freeway no longer get squashed; and while your mother may still be very eager to serve you nine of something, she has now been reduced to serving nine of nothing. In light of these changes, LP.com is pleased to present these mnemonics for a new generation.

Sign of the Cross: Due to an influx of Latino workers and an uptick in workplace shootings, it is more vital than ever for even non-Catholic workers to be able to give the sign of the cross. However, the most common mnemonic for this activity — Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet, and Watch — is not relevant to younger employees who carry their wallets in their hip pocket rather than in a jacket, who are unfamiliar with watches or spectacles that are not used for leaving Yelp! reviews, and whose constant sitting and snacking has rendered them incapable of remember the location of their testicles. We therefore suggest the cardinal points be referred to as Brainless, Gutless, Heartless, and Soulless, to remind them of the vestigial growths they got rid of to gain career success.

Colors of the Spectrum: Designers who have misplaced their Pantone wheels may occasionally have need to refer to colors by non-numerical communications; however, a 2013 survey by the Glusterbrook Working Group revealed that 67% of employees under the age of 26 believe that “ROY G. BIV” was the bass player for My Chemical Romance. We therefore suggest, for British employers, the color mnemonic “Rotten Old Yanks Give Blowjobs In Vitro”), and for American employers, allowing their graphic designers to frantically gesticulate and their favorite coffee mug.

The Pythagorean Theorem: The formula “a2 + b2 = c2” is still as vital a tool in the engineer’s toolbox as are libertarianism, Esperanto, and a deeply-seated hostility towards women. However, because of declining mathematics standards and our own organization’s inability to come up with a useful or interesting mnemonic for the first three letters of the alphabet (see Art, below), we suggest simply handing your lead engineer a box of Scrabble tiles and letting the department sort this all out on their own. N.B.: The results may necessitate an increase in premium on your liability insurance.

Principles of Professional Conduct: The American Institute of Certified Public Accountants’ principles of ethics have recently come to have been considered out of date, inimical to corporate goals, and innaccurate, as really petite insects do not, in fact, often do squats. The new mnemonic for “Responsibility, The Public Interest, Integrity, Objectivity and Independence, Due Care, Scope and Nature of Services” is as follows: “Really Toady If Interested in Collecting Salary”.

Elements of Art: It has been determined by the International Society of Business Accounting that art is an unnecessary expenditure. Therefore, remembering Space, Form, Texture, Shape, Line, Value, and Color is no longer an important skill for employees. If you still have any artists on your payroll, we suggest telling them to memorize the following phrase: “Drop Off Your Badge At Human Resources”. If they inquire further, tell them that it’s not a mnemonic.