Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.

April -- National Humor Month

A game warden in Fulton County recently confronted a fisherman with a bucket full of fish and asked the man if he had a fishing license.

"No, sir," replied the fisherman. "These are my pet fish. Every Tuesday I take them down to the lake and let them swim around some. Then I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and I take them back home."

'That's ridiculous, " the game warden insisted.

"I'll show you," the fisherman said, then emptied the bucket into the lake and patiently stood there waiting.

"Well, when are you going to call them back?" uttered the game warden.

"Call who back?"

"The fish."

"What fish?"

* * *

For the past several years, the National Transportation Safety Board has been secretly installing black box recorders in pickup trucks in an effort to determine the circumstances in the last moments of serious accidents.

While "Oh, no!" and "Damn!" were the words most often uttered just prior to a fatal collision in 42 states, the most frequently recorded response in Arkansas was "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try something."

* * *

An Arkansas trooper pulled over a guy in a pickup truck.

"Got any ID?" the trooper asked.

"About what?"

* * *

The owner of a gift shop in Hardy was confused about paying an invoice, so he asked his secretary, "You graduated from Ozarka College. If I were to give you $1,200, less six percent, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought for a moment, then said, "Everything except my earrings."

* * *

Researchers at the University of Arkansas discovered that beer contains traces of female hormones. They tested 144 men who each consumed six quarts of beer in a short time span. All the men soon became emotional, talked excessively without making any sense and couldn't drive. No further testing was deemed necessary.

* * *

A farmer near Viola was out plowing the field one day when his wife brought him a lunch.

The farmer drove his mule into the shade and sat down nearby to eat his meal.

The farmer's wife began to nag him about various minor things, something she did on a regular basis.

Suddenly, the mule kicked out his hind legs, smacked the wife in the back of the head and killed her.

At the funeral several days later, all of the women in attendance walked up to the farmer and he nodded his head. But when the men approached and talked to him, he shook his head in disagreement.

After the funeral, the minister asked the farmer about the conversations.

"Well, all the women said how nice my wife looked and so forth, so I nodded in agreement," the farmer said.

"What about the men?" asked the minister.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

* * *

The early bird gets the worm, the second mouse gets the cheese, and he who laughs last thinks slowest.

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Quote for the Day -- "One captain, seizing the line-knife from his broken prow, had dashed at the whale, as an Arkansas duelist at his foe, blindly seeking with a six-inch blade to reach the fathom-deep life of the whale. That captain was Ahab." Herman Melville

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Bret Burquest is the author of 11 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and has an imaginary girlfriend named Long Tall Sally.