Britney

Winter break is so close that these last few days of school are painful. All I really want to do is watch Trent Reznor interviews and listen to Nirvana and Nine Inch Nails and make things. I think some small part of me will miss the human contact that school brings, especially since so many people I know are going away, but six hours a day with my classmates mixed with the harsh cold of the East Coast is not worth it.

I have finally learned what it means to not care what anyone thinks, and that makes everything more bearable. I can wear a floor-length trench coat or black lipstick or a ton of layers without spending half an hour in the mirror worrying that someone will say something about me. Listening to music alone in the corner of my school library is just as liberating as having a good conversation with someone. I belong to myself and not to everyone around me.

My art and writing have become an extension of me. I have spent so much time creating pieces based on what I think other people want that I’ve almost forgotten how to access a private creative space that’s just for me. But I found it again. It feels like a whole new world and I love it. ♦

14 Comments

Naomi, this is so strange… I’ve been meaning to write a response to your diary entries for a long time, but have only felt physically impelled to do so now in light of recent circumstances.

It is odd how we can be so connected to people we have never met, without perhaps even being aware of that fact. How our experiences are symbiotically aligned with those of complete strangers.

Not only are we similar in the issues that we have both traversed, but now we are studying in the same city. For all I know, our paths have crossed a multitude of times without either of our awareness.

But, at the risk of sounding farcical, I feel a strange sisterhood with you, and I wanted to make you aware of my existence. It is comforting to know that we never move through life alone, even if we don’t personally know those who we are walking beside.

Naomi, each week you make me so happy. Your diaries are like the spirit of every young woman going out into the world for the first time. I feel like we have all seen you blossom and watching you go from scared and alone to living this beautiful life gives me so much happiness and hope, and reminds me every week of how my own life has changed along with yours, going from school and boredom and sadness to such extreme happiness and independence as I have gone out into the world. I was in London last week and, as silly as this sounds, I kept on finding myself thinking of you and how you were in the same city as me. It made me so happy as I wandered around to think I might come across you and never know it. You just give me so much hope, and I feel so proud of you, and so proud of myself, and proud of every girl who has gone from insular, high-school worlds and out into life and discovered happiness.

Oh my god, you’re AMAZING. I’ve spent the past week watching interviews with him from the ’90s and I’m going to get to some of the more recent ones over winter break. I want to gush more about NIN in this comment (especially since it’s the only band I like as much/almost as much as Nirvana) but I’ll stop now. Your comment just made me really, really happy, though.

Britney your second paragraph basically summarizes my year so far. Not caring what other people think sort of elevates you, and you feel so much more confident and free. And you’re right. This gives you the power and fulfillment of spending time with yourself. I no longer feel the need to always be with someone, especially at school. I am perfectly happy being on my own with music or a book or my thoughts, and not giving a damn about anyone else’s opinion on me or my sometimes elaborate dress sense. <3 thank you for sharing

Yoo-hoo! August’s theme is GIVE AND TAKE, and we’d like to take into consideration whatever submissions you have to give about that! (Even/especially if they’re as cheesy as we just were.) Send pitches to submission@rookiemag.com. ✴

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