sports illustrated

Are you the kind of guy who waits with nervous anticipation to find out who's on the cover of the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue? Do you find who can't focus until you know who's covered boobs are gracing the cover? If so, please seek professional help immediately.

Man, I wish I was Stephen Colbert. No, you don't understand. I REALLY wish I was Stephen Colbert.

If I ever become a celebrity stalker who's ultimate goal is to obtain the essence of my beloved targets by peeling the skin off their bodies and wearing it as a full body scuba diving suit, Colbert would be at the top of my list.

Now I can add another reason to that creepy list I keep hidden away in my heating vent. His and the Colbert Nation's recent efforts to fund the U.S. Olympics' speed skating team for the 2010 Winter Olympics have earned him a sport on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

All I can say about it is one thing: thank you. Yes, thank you uncredited SI photographer for strategically positioning Colbert's elbow over his crotch as he posed in that skin tight speed suit. Or rather, America thanks you.

Gammons was also a writer for The Boston Globe and Sports Ilustrated, then joined ESPN in 1990. He was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame last year. He can be seen talking about baseball on Baseball Tonight and other shows and segments.