How To Spot A Top

Hey Woody, why does everybody think I’m a bottom? The other night I got mistaken for a bottom by a bottom! How embarrassing is that? I’m talkative, opinionated and loud but people think I’m a bossy bottom instead of a raging top.

Hey Woody,

Why does everybody think I’m a bottom? The other night I got mistaken for a bottom by a bottom! How embarrassing is that? I’m talkative, opinionated and loud but people think I’m a bossy bottom instead of a raging top.

Anyway, some magazine compiled a list about what tops should do to be seen as tops. Here they are: 1) Don’t talk too much. Good tops should be men of few words. 2) Don’t be too energetic. The most rambunctious guys are usually the most effeminate and whoever heard of effeminate tops? 3) Don’t pay too much attention to what you wear. You can’t be a top and worry about accessories. Wear pants and a shirt that isn’t too tight. Steer away from clothing that glitters, anything “big” (buckles, hats, shoes). 4) Don’t use the word “cute.” 5) Don’t wear fruity cologne. 6) Don’t shake your groove thang, wiggle your butt to get attention. 7) Be the pursuer, the chaser.

What do you think of the list, Woody? Do you think I should follow their advice?

– Trying to get to the bottom of it

Dear Trying,

Your letter reminds me that gay men are like fine wine: They start out as grapes but you have to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Once again, I get a letter asking for advice on how turn a sexual position into a whole identity. And once again, I ask why you feel the need to label yourself. Labels belong on a can not on a man.

Listen to the absurdity of that list. They’re saying I can’t wear a tight shirt and f*ck somebody? I’ve worn loose shirts, tight shirts, and no shirts and it’s never stopped me from doing what I wanted in bed.

And what do you mean, “whoever heard of effeminate tops?” You don’t get out much, do you?

Here’s my advice: If you’re talking to someone you’re not sexually interested in and they “assume” you’re a bottom (and by “assume” I “assume” you mean he states it), ask him why it’s so important for him to know what you like in bed, given that you’re never going to sleep with him.

If you’re talking to someone you are sexually interested in and he assumes you’re a “bottom,” why not say nothing and surprise him in bed?

So what if two “tops” end up going home with each other? You say “I’m not into that” and then you figure out what you’re both into – even if it ends up being a mutual hand-job, so what? Wouldn’t you rather masturbate someone you’re really attracted to than to f*ck someone you’re halfway hot for?

Hey Woody,

I’ve been masturbating in my Jacuzzi for years. Lately though, I’ve noticed a cloudy, grayish-white area on the head of my penis. What is it and does this mean I have to stop my favorite way to get off?

– Jet-fueled orgasms

Dear Jet-Fueled,

Yes, I’d stop. Look, if the combination of heat and pressure can discolor your pots and pans, imagine what they can do to your d*ck.

Besides, the tip of the penis is really sensitive (or haven’t you noticed?). It’s going to be more susceptible to rashes than any other body parts. If the Jacuzzi jets are powerful enough, they could damage penile ligaments.

If you have to blast your mast with a splash then do it with the force from a showerhead. It’d be less dangerous.