Formerly a struggling single twenty-something

How I Really Am

When someone asks you how you are, what is there to say besides, “Good,” “Okay,” “Fine,” or something like that? Most of the time, people are just making conversation and don’t really want to know. They just want to move the conversation along.

But lately, the truth is…I’m not good. I’m not okay. I’m not fine. In fact, I’ve been crying a lot almost every day for most of the last month, and I don’t know how to talk about it.

Don’t worry- I haven’t fallen into a black hole of despair or become a victim of any other overdramatic phrase like that. I’m not suffering from anhedonia. And while I might not be fine now, I will be. I’m doing my best to make myself feel better. There are too many reasons to be happy, and life is just too short not to spend it that way.

But sometimes, it’s hard to see that when the things that are upsetting you just will.not.leave.your.mind.

I’m not going to go into the specific reasons for why I’m upset, partly because they’re not the kind of thing I want to discuss on a public blog and partly because they sound really stupid and inconsequential if I say them out loud. It’s not as if something obvious, like a breakup, is what’s upsetting me.

In the vaguest terms, what has been bothering me is a large sense of loneliness to which several different things have contributed. I’ve just been feeling sad and lonely. I have some amazing people in my life who bring me great joy, but sometimes, despite all that, loneliness just still creeps in and takes over. Also, there’s the matter of blaming myself for that loneliness- analyzing everything I’ve said and done and beating myself up if I remember something that I shouldn’t have said or done.

I hesitated about whether to post this because I don’t want it to come across as a plea for sympathy or attention. It’s not. I’m sad, but it’s not as if something huge and terrible is wrong. And like I said, I will be fine. I know I will.

But for now, I am just really sick of smiling and saying I’m fine when I’m not, pretending that I’m looking away for any reason other than preventing you from seeing that I have tears in my eyes. And so, in some small way, this is out there now. Thank you for reading.

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16 thoughts on “How I Really Am”

I get in this place too. I KNOW I have plenty of good things and people in my life. Like you said, I have no obvious reason to be sad, but sometimes, I am just incredibly sad. I've always been that way (well, since I was a teen). It's not to the point of needing help, it just is. Just wanted you to know it's not just you!

I read a quote once that (I can't find it, so I'm paraphrasing) said something like: I strongly suspect our capacity to feel pain is equal to our capacity for joy, the depths of our sadness are what make room for the heights of our joys.

I think sometimes we just have to feel things – just have to mourn or grieve or sit with even the smallest, most distant or miniscule or private disappointments and hurts and let them settle. I'm glad you shared.

I get in this place too. I KNOW I have plenty of good things and people in my life. Like you said, I have no obvious reason to be sad, but sometimes, I am just incredibly sad. I've always been that way (well, since I was a teen). It's not to the point of needing help, it just is. Just wanted you to know it's not just you!

I read a quote once that (I can't find it, so I'm paraphrasing) said something like: I strongly suspect our capacity to feel pain is equal to our capacity for joy, the depths of our sadness are what make room for the heights of our joys.

I think sometimes we just have to feel things – just have to mourn or grieve or sit with even the smallest, most distant or miniscule or private disappointments and hurts and let them settle. I'm glad you shared.

I can't say anything that Rebecca didn't already say, but I too also often find myself in “that place” and it sucks. I hope it passes for you very soon. I hope knowing that you're not alone in your feelings helps you feel better all the sooner. Keep fighting.

I can't say anything that Rebecca didn't already say, but I too also often find myself in “that place” and it sucks. I hope it passes for you very soon. I hope knowing that you're not alone in your feelings helps you feel better all the sooner. Keep fighting.

Going through a bout of inexpicable sadness is always tough. And there isn't any concrete way to make it better. But as with most things in life it ebbs and flows. So just keep waking up every day and eventually it will get better.

Going through a bout of inexpicable sadness is always tough. And there isn't any concrete way to make it better. But as with most things in life it ebbs and flows. So just keep waking up every day and eventually it will get better.

::Hugs:: Sorry to hear you are going through this rough time. I believe you when you say that this will pass, but I will put in a plug for counseling regardless, if you're not already going. I went to counseling throughout college even though I never felt like there was anything seriously wrong with me or in my life — it just helped a lot to have someone listen and tell me I was normal, and to suggest things that other people have tried in my situation.

We are all here for you regardless! And it's OK if you are not fine all the time — no one is.

::Hugs:: Sorry to hear you are going through this rough time. I believe you when you say that this will pass, but I will put in a plug for counseling regardless, if you're not already going. I went to counseling throughout college even though I never felt like there was anything seriously wrong with me or in my life — it just helped a lot to have someone listen and tell me I was normal, and to suggest things that other people have tried in my situation.

We are all here for you regardless! And it's OK if you are not fine all the time — no one is.

You're so sweet. Thanks, and I do feel better now. I've been in therapy for a few years for anxiety issues, and I have an appointment on Thursday.

Sometimes when little things bother you, it's little things that make you feel better, too. Incredibly enough, one of them was last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother. And a few other little things, too.

You're so sweet. Thanks, and I do feel better now. I've been in therapy for a few years for anxiety issues, and I have an appointment on Thursday.

Sometimes when little things bother you, it's little things that make you feel better, too. Incredibly enough, one of them was last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother. And a few other little things, too.