Return of the Jedi

Synopsis:In the spectacular final chapter of the Star Wars saga, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia must travel to Tatooine to free Han Solo by infiltrating the wretched stronghold of Jabba the Hutt, the galaxy’s most loathsome gangster. Reunited, the Rebels team up with tribes of Ewoks to combat the Imperial forces on the forest moon of Endor. Meanwhile the Emperor and Darth Vader conspire to turn Luke to the dark side, and young Skywalker is determined to rekindle the spirit of the Jedi within his father. The Galactic Civil War culminates in the ultimate showdown, as the Rebel forces gather to attack the seemingly defenseless and incomplete second Death Star in the battle that will determine the fate of the galaxy.

eyelights: the set design. the Emperor. the completion of Luke’s journey. the action sequences. eyesores: the weaker second act. its déjà-vu quality. its kiddie flavour.

“Anger, fear, aggression. The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. “

By the time that ‘Return of the Jedi’ came out in 1983, I was as immersed in ‘Star Wars’ as it was possible to be in a middle-class, single-famly home: I had been the proud owner of a pair of ‘Star Wars’ shoes, bed covers, had a bunch of figurines, games, comic books, cards, …etc. Plus there was the ubiquitous presence of ‘Star Wars’ everywhere I went.

Naturally, I wanted to see the new movie.

So I coaxed a family friend to take me and his son to see it, even though the latter didn’t understand a word of English. The deal was that I would translate the film’s dialogues for him. I immediately agreed. I still remember lining up in the heat for what felt like ages, that Saturday afternoon, just to get in. But we did and I saw the movie. It was so exciting!

So exciting, in fact, that after 15-20 minutes I totally forgot to translate it.

(C’mon… at that age, it was to be expected.)

Anyway, the film was an immediate hit but, over the years, it became nestled in third place behind ‘Star Wars‘ and ‘The Empire Strikes Back‘ as the least of the lot – as a decent finale, but lacking the freshness of the first and the depth of the second. I even began to look down on it over the years, in large part for the series’ newfound focus on the kiddies.

But it’s still ‘Star Wars’.

So, with a new sequel coming out, I thought that it might be the right time to revisit the film. I had no intention of rushing out to see the new movie (oh, I would see it, but there’d be no rush – I would likely be disappointed with it anyway), but seeing ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ in its original glory would be a fun thing to do.

You see, some of us simply don’t want anything to do with George Lucas’ many Special Editions, the only versions of the original trilogy that the public has been allowed to buy since 1997; what we want are the movies as we first saw them, the way they were when we first fell in love with them.

So some guy who goes by the online moniker of Harmy decided to reconstruct the original films with as much of the original elements as possible. With the help of countless others, who provided him with untampered source material, he recreated the original ‘Star Wars’ trilogy just as we’d seen them.

Boy, let me tell, you… thanks to his efforts I enjoyed the movies more than I’d had in years!

(Nota bene: Since the ‘Star Wars’ movies have been already talked about to death, we decided to simply pick apart their strengths and weaknesses as we watched them – in list format and -mostly- in chronological order.)

Light Side of the Film

The sight of the Death Star half-built: If the first Death Star was impressive, this one is even more so.

Darth Vader’s Imperial shuttle: Wow… that thing is stunning. Look at the way it folds up when it lands. So coooool…

“Lord Vader, this is an unexpected pleasure.”: Ha! Vader just crashed this party. Can you imagine the Commander’s reaction when he realised that Vader was at his doorstep, unannounced?. Yeah… I know. Time to change your Imperial shorts.

“The Emperor’s coming here?”: ROFL. Poor guy… especially after Vader paints the Emperor as most displeased and less forgiving than even he is. Can you say “anxiety attack”?

The talking ball on a stick: Man, alien security monitoring sure is weird. But it’s also remarkable.

Jabba’s palace: Such an impressive piece of set design. Look at the shadows, the archways, ..etc. It’s not at all regal, it’s nearly like a concrete hangar or warehouse, but it looks great. And it’s fitting.

Jabba’s throne: A huge platform on witch Jabba can just grow flabbier, complete with all the attendants he needs to fulfill his every need. This is an unforgettable sight – so much so, that it was a popular toy back in the day.

Jabba himself: Forget the subsequent CGI versions, it’s this wrinkly, blubbery, creepy larvae-like version that knocks it out of the park. Yes, it doesn’t have quite same mobility as CGI, but it looks spectacular anyway.

The dancing girl: Jabba’s dancing girl is hot, hot, HOT. Rowr!

Luke’s message to Jabba: This is our first look at the more mature, more sobre (if not sombre) Luke, and it’s a dramatic shift. And his message is delivered in such a way that we know he’s come a long way since he was on Owen’s farm. That last bit about the droids also elicits an amusing response.

“I will not give up my favorite decoration.”: And so Han is revealed. Smack in the face: he’s been wall-mounted as art~ Holy !@#$

Max Rebo: Also known as the “blue elephant”, he’s impossible not to like. He looks all cuddly and cutesy. Appearances are probably deceiving: he’s likely anything but – he works for Jabba, after all. He’d probably eat your eyes while you sleep. But he’s cute; a cuddle would be worth the risk.

Boba Fett: The sight of him there, coolly keeping watch, is a fanboy’s dream. It’s frickin’ Boba Fett, after all.

The trap door at the foot of Jabba’s throne: Of course he has one! What self-respecting villain wouldn’t? That he doesn’t even hide it and that everyone is just waiting for another victim to fall in, adds a sinister tone to the setting.

The bounty hunter and Chewie: Chewie was caught by a bounty hunter? Holy !@#$! How did that happen? He looks dejected, defeated. And that bounty hunter looks bad @$$, if a bad short in comparison.

The bounty hunter’s suit: I love the outfit and that weird @$$ helmet. This bounty hunter makes an impression.

The thermal detonator: Seems like a silly way to negotiate, since it also puts the bounty hunter in peril, but it gets quite the reaction. And the thing looks cool. I want one for my office, as a paper weight, for contract negotiations, to get back at annoying colleagues, …etc.

A nod of respect from Boba: It’s just a moment, but that nod of respect from Fett is classy and speaks volumes.

The bounty hunter’s unmasking: Holy !@#$! It was Leia all along? She so kicks @$$…

Jabba’s laugh from the shadows: Chills… the creepy, over-sized larvae knew all along and was biding his time to catch the “bounty hunter” in the act? Man, is she ever screwed…

“Delusions of grandeur”: Hahaha… Han’s assessment of the situation after Chewie briefs him is rather priceless.

Slave Leia: I understand why Disney have phased out all product pertaining to Slave Leia, and the fact that she’s Jabba’s slave makes me nauseous for all too many reasons, but you have to admit that she’s HOT. I’m not a big fan of lingerie, but a girl in this outfit would absolutely catch my eye. If not win my heart. Rowr.

The grand door opens, a figure arrives: Who is that shadowy figure? Could it be… Luke? Holy cow, it is!!!

The guard crying at the death of the Rancor: It’s corny, but seeing that big softy lose it gets a chuckle every time.

“How are we doing?” “Same as always.”: Reunited and already bantering. Very nice.

“Free us or die.”: Luke is really ballsy in this moment, being on the verge of death an pretending like he’s got the upper hand. And, of course, he does.

R2 shoots out Luke’s lightsaber: It’s slightly ridiculous (as if Jabba’s people hadn’t scanned/searched the droids for weapons/threats, but it’s also remarkable – that’s when we realize there was a plan after all. And then Luke is right in place to catch the saber, and turns it on…

Leia’s murder of Jabba: Wow… that’s dramatic.

The Emperor’s arrival: This is the first time that we actually see him, and it’s an impressive moment; everything revolves around his arrival. As well it should. He’s in total control of the moment.

The Emperor: His voice, his attire, Ian McDiarmid’s performance… holy !@#$ he’s something to behold. Can you say “sinister”…? Brrr…

Luke and Yoda: Yoda confirms that Vader is Luke’s father, and expresses his disappointment at this turn of events. It makes you realize that perhaps Luke’s journey isn’t that clearcut.

Luke arrives in time to join Han’s team: A bit of a coincidence, but a nice moment anyway.

The rebel fleet: Look at that sight. So bad@$$, even if some of the ships look like medical contingent, not battle crews.

The Emperor’s chamber: Can you say “atmospheric”? And with such a great view, too! Sadly, it’s probably way out of my range; the condo fees alone would probably break me.

The red Imperial guards: They don’t do much except stand there, but they make an instant impression: the colour (the only red outfits in the whole Star Wars universe!) and the sleek design. They’re not threatening, but they give you pause.

Vader senses Luke on the shuttle craft: Man, that is NOT good. Luke has become a liability…

The space scenes: AMAZEBALLS, simply amazeballs.

Imperial bikers and their speeders: What is it about the troopers’ designs that make them so wickedly awesome without fail? These guys are amazing and their speeders are even better. This was a must-have toy back in the day.

POV shots of the forest chase: The time-consuming photography required to shoot this footage was worth every tedious second and all that effort – it looks fantastic. You really feel like you’re there, in the action.

Luke throws a biker against a tree: Ouch. But makes quite an impact.

Luke slows down, gets behind the two bikers: It’s such a simple maneuver, but it’s so well-choreographed. Zip!

Biker crashes into tree stump: Double ouch.

Luke parries laserblasts, then cuts off front of a bike and it crashes in tree: Luke is so bad @$$ here, it’s ridiculous.

Leia lies in the perfect spooning position: After falling off her own speeder, Leia just lays there – in such a way that you’d just want to snuggle up to her and wrap your arms around her. After making sure she doesn’t have a concussion, naturally…

Wicket: He’s so cute. At first. And in short doses.

Leia and Wicket: The interaction is endearing, if a bit silly.

The Emperor in his chair: Holy !@#$ that’s a stunning sight. When I remodel my bathroom, it’ll look exactly like that. It’s the perfect throne.

“I have felt him, my Master.”: A little doubt is beginning to creep in, but Vader and the Emperor still seem to have everything quite in hand. Will Luke be a liability, after all?

Han pushing away the Ewoks’ spears:“Point that thing someplace else.” I swear, this guy kills me. He’s either dumb or he laughs in the face of danger. I choose the latter.

The Ewok village in the trees: Another case of great set design. Stunning stuff.

“The Force is strong in my family”: It’s an awkward revelation, courtesy of both the script and Mark Hamill, but it’s still a memorable moment.

Great set for Luke and Leia: Yes, it’s an extension of the Ewok village, but I was impressed with the look of this particular set, the lighting, the atmosphere it creates.

Han and company attack the shield generator: Excitement mounts as we see this contingent making their way to their target. They MUST succeed, but how will they?

The Emperor and Luke: Holy !@#$, not only did Vader deliver Luke into the Emperor’s hands, what the heck will the creepy old fruit do with him now? The three of them there, you know something monumental is about to happen, good or bad. Cue clutching your armrests.

Lando’s realization that the shield is up: Look at the guy’s eyes when he realizes how deep in feces they are in. They’re going to need a really big shovel, alright.

The AT-ST: The diminutive cousin of the AT-AT, I almost prefer this attack vehicle over the other one. And it looks so perfect in this forest setting (it would have sucked on Hoth).

The legion of Stormtroopers: Now from DC! Nah… it’s not a comic book. But the sight of all these troopers is rather impressive doncha think?

Death Star blowing up massive ships: Crap… we saw it blow up a planet, and that’s massive, but nothing prepares you for the sight of this thing in starship combat. It’s absolutely devastating!

Luke succumbs to the Emperor’s taunts: And so he grabs his lightsaber back. Then he and Vader cross sabers in front of Emperor. What a moment! What a sight! And the Emperor is relishing every moment of it.

The Endor battle scenes: It looks great and it’s perfectly paced, dumb fun.

“I love you.” “I know.”: Ha! well done, Princess!

Luke vs Vader: This lightsaber duel is the one the series has been building up to and it delivers fully. Everything hinges on this melée.

“Search your feelings, father.”: Luke tries so hard, so earnestly to reach Anakin. But will he do it? What could the turning point be?

“Sister…”: Oh, snap… Luke has revealed too much. Now Leia’s at risk.

“So be it… Jedi.”: Oh, man… The Emperor has completely given up on his attempt to turn Luke. The young Jedi’s in some serious crap now. Look at all that contempt in the Emperor’s eyes. If he could strike Luke down with a glance, he would.

Emperor zaps Luke: Holy !@#$! He can do that? The blue lightning, the smoke, Luke’s pain… this ain’t good!

The funeral pyre: A final impressive set. Wow… absolutely breathtaking. Especially with Vader roasting on an open fire.

Luke is standing in front: He’s taking charge, closing that chapter. His three-movie journey is complete.

The fireworks: In the theatrical version, it’s understated, but just perfect for the Endorian night sky.

No CGI: This applies to all three originals, but more so here because ‘ROTJ’ is the closest in tone to the prequels. But it’s so much better than they are because of the way it was crafted (i.e. with no CGI).

Dark Side of the Film

C-3PO is more jittery, cowardly: He’s always been a neurotic mess, but he’s really a wuss here. Embarrassingly so.

C-3PO doesn’t know about the mission: Seriously? Only R2 knows? What gives?

Torturing a droid’s feet: How this makes sense is beyond me. That it was done for laughs is disturbing.

The cabaret singer with a tube mouth: WTF! Who designed that creature? It’s not just ugly as !@#$, it was impossible to bring to life – so it looks even more like crap. It’s a real eyesore.

The big frog outside the palace: It eats and burps, providing cheap laughs for the kiddies. Le sigh… how could anyone be surprised by Jar-Jar after this?

The pig guards: Yeah, they could have tried harder.

“Someone who loves you”: Can you say “awkward dialogue”? No one talks that way. She would have said “It’s me”, fully expecting him to recognize her – not this tripe.

Jabba allowed Han to be defrosted: Oh, sure, he wanted to catch Leia red-handed, but there’s no way that Jabba would allow her to release Han, his favourite decoration. No way. He would have put a stop to her actions right before. But it’s convenient for the writers.

Our heroes’ plan to rescue Han: Not only did they take their sweet time getting Han back, but what was the plan, exactly?

First, plant Lando in Jabba’s palace. Check.

Second, send Luke’s emissaries to prepare for his arrival. Check.

Third, send Leia in with Chewie to… uh… sell him to Jabba? Doesn’t make sense, but… uh… check. (Didn’t Luke and Leia coordinate their plans first? And wasn’t Chewie supposed to be with Lando? Anyway, had Leia succeeded in freeing Han, wouldn’t that have left Chewie, R2 ad 3PO in a lurch?)

Fourth, Luke’s failed attempt at convincing Jabba. Check. (He obviously knew he was going to fail, or else he wouldn’t have planted his lightsaber on R2, oblivious to the notion that the droid might be searched for weapons. So, if he knew, why go through the front door at all, then? Why not steal Han back? That’s what Leia was going to do anyway…)

Maybe it’s just me, but the “plan” seems pretty poorly-conceived, given how much time they had to map it out. I mean, if Luke knew it was going end up with a show of force (!), then why not do that right from the onset instead of this convoluted mess which put quite literally all of them at risk?

Luke’s drop in the pit: No tremors in the Force? No Spidey sense tingling? No ability to leap out of the way?

Luke doesn’t use the Force: Why doesn’t Luke use the Force to get out of his predicament? Maybe he was in a “no signal” zone…?

Luke’s lame “sprint” away from the Rancor: Man, could he possibly be less in shape or in less of a hurry? This lame run is second only to Padmé’s “run” on the dunes at the end of ‘Attack of the Clones‘. Where’s the vigour, the urgency?

The Rancor’s death: C’mon, that thing is too easily felled. Dodge a little bit then drop a gate on it. A sack of rats would have done a better job than this Rancor.

Jabba’s barge floating over the dunes: Special effects fail.

Luke swings wildly but chops no one: Once he gets his lightsaber back, Luke swings wide at anything and everything, but his saber cuts NOTHING. You see people fall, but he needs to sharpen his blade some, methinks, because it’s become a blunt instrument. The way he was swinging about, everything should have sliced and diced.

Boba lands right in front of Luke: Best bounty hunter in the galaxy? Or stupid @$$? If you’re going to shoot someone, especially a Jedi, you don’t land right in front of them, one foot away, point blank. Stupid, stupid, stupid…

Boba’s death: Best bounty hunter in the galaxy? Or easy banta fodder? Burp. What an undignified end for one of the coolest characters in the series.

Swiss Army Droid: R2 is a waiter, can shoot out the lightsaber, zap a chain. What else can he do? Fly? Oh wait…

The barge blows up, doesn’t crash: Why do things just blow up all the time in movies? If you crash your car in real line, it doesn’t instantly explode! The same goes for Jabba’s barge… why is it fully rigged with explosives? Let it crash and burn, I say!

Luke’s visit to Dagobah: Wow.. he’s there just in time. But ultimately, it was pretty much pointless. A friend told me that Yoda was hanging on for Luke’s return, and that is why he died right after. Except that he only dies physically and returns as an expression of the Force… so who cares if he’s not alive upon Luke’s return? He can still talk to him and teach him after death. And I’m sure Yoda knew that. I chalk it up to cheap coincidence.

“From a certain point of view…”: !@#$ you, you old dead fruit! You lied, plain and simple. The reason language exists is so that people can understand each other. There is an agreed upon meaning to words and expressions so that people don’t have to decrypt what they’re saying to each other. When you told Luke that Vader murdered his father, there was only one possible interpretation – unless you were trying to deceive him.

Of course, if you’re going to liberally use words any which way you’d like, then expect misunderstandings. Don’t blame Luke, you patronising !@#$. What you told Luke was only true from the perspective of a deluded sociopath. Chew on that, you deceitful, untrustworthy, poor excuse for for a Jedi mentor!

Obi-Wan ate well since becoming a ghost: You can gain weight in the afterlife? Maybe he ate too many midi-chlorians. Somebody get him a Shatner girdle!

“Many Bothans died to bring us this information.”: What the heck happened to Mon Mothma during this speech? Did the Valium kick in suddenly?

They take R2 and 3PO on Endor: Why? Seems to like the worst terrain and mission to drag them along…

Leia falls off bike, is not hurt: I thought only Jedi could get beat up and not get hurt! Oh, right… the midi-chlorians are strong with this one…

Chewie grabs the meat chunk: Seriously, I thought he was supposed to be smart in the first film. Now he’s no better than a tall dog with a laser crossbow. Thankfully, we don’t ever see him humping Han’s leg!

They all get caught in the net: Really? They all happened to be at that exact place together at the same time? Hmmm…

R2 cuts their way out the net: Is there no other way? A knife? The Force? Surely Luke’s lightsaber wasn’t the only cutting tool on this ship of fools.

Luke and company on sticks, being carried: Use the Force, Luke! Or become a pig on a spit. Whichever you prefer.

“I have a really bad feeling about this.”: It was funny the first time. Now it’s trite. Give it up, ‘Star Wars’.

Luke lifts C-3PO with Force: Why now? Why not when you could access your weapons? Oh, right, because the kiddies (and their parents) wouldn’t like seeing our heroes slaughter a bunch of teddy bears. Riiiiiight…

Leia’s wigs/extensions: Surely a movie with a then-high budget of 32.5 million could afford a wig that matches the rest of Carrie Fisher’s hair? I mean, really…

An Ewok gets zapped by R2: This is meant to be funny, but the actor had a delayed reaction, jumped too late and spoiled it.

C-3PO tells the Ewoks their adventures: With sound effects. Even though he once said he wasn’t a storyteller.

“Somehow I’ve always known…”: Talk about unconvincing dialogue and delivery! Looks like Fisher is having a difficult time choking a laugh – no doubt because of stupid line she’d been fed.

An Ewok flying a bike without crashing: Riiiight. So likely. Might as well try to make believe that they could out maneuver the Imperial forces. Oh….

Han taps a biker on the shoulder instead of KO-ing him: Has Han lost his cojones completely by this point? The same guy who shot Greedo first, is now playing tag with his enemy instead of wiping the forest with them? Might as well have him play footsies with them – it’s about as likely.

The set inside shield generator is cheap: It’s so bad, it’s the stuff of classic ‘Star Trek’ episodes.

The slapsticky battle: Not only do the Ewoks subdue the Imperial forces, we are treated to AT-STs on rubbery legs, pratfalling, and all manner of physical comedy. Ugh. This is what it’s come down to? Imagine if this had been the tone at the end of ‘Star Wars’. Think it would have been a hit?

Ewoks and Chewie commandeer an AT-ST: Ewoks! A primitive race or teddy bears, actually working advanced technology with accuracy. Meanwhile, the Imperial forces seem unable to. With their own technology. WTF.

“I think I got it!”: Han closes the doors instead of opening them. Cheap laughs, and rather humiliating given how skilled he really is. It’s sort of undignified for this character to be turned into a joke, I’d say.

Darth Vader picks up the Emperor: As the Emperor is turning Luke into Toasted Jedi, Darth Vader picks him up and chucks him. Thing is, the Emperor keeps zapping away even as he’s picked up – as though he couldn’t stop himself. Couldn’t switch off the power of the Dark Side, could he?

The entry point into Death Star: In ‘Star Wars’, the Death Star had a 2m wide aperture. Here it’s a whole ship-sized shaft. WTF! Can you say design flaw? I mean, really, they aren’t learning from their mistakes, are they?

The Executor’s crash: A simple rebel ship can make it spin out of control? Really? And then it crashes right into the Death Star? How convenient!

Darth Vader is an old, decrepit geezer: What a let down! He looks like your least favourite uncle had a acid bath. Wow… what an impressive warrior and villain! It immediately makes me doubt the extent of his powers. Seriously, I can’t help it.

Yub nub: !@#$ Yub a nub nub, three Ewoks in a tub! So lame…

Leia’s diminished role: My final complaint about the series pertains to Leia’s gradually diminished role. In the first, she is a Princess and Ambassador. In the second, she’s barely a Princess and barely a leader to her troops (i.e. only in the first act, after which she’s nothing). In this picture, she’s a slave and then pretty much nothing (Oh, she befriends Wicket, whoopteedoo!).

She’s the “only woman” in the whole ‘Star Wars’ universe, and her power is stripped from her. How disgusting is that?

But what can you expect from male filmmakers in the ’80s…?

Ahem… actually, the same damned thing 15 years later, since they did the same thing with Padmé in the prequels. Gross. I like strong female characters. Leia should have been a Sarah Connor-type bad @$$, not this watered down nobody. And, yes, I love the sight of her slave gear. I admit it. But I don’t want that to be her identity. I don’t want her role subjugated by men. There’s enough testosterone on the screen as is.

Interestingly, I enjoyed ‘Return of the Jedi’ far more this time than I’d had in years. Is it because of Harmy’s Despecialized Edition, or is it because the prequels have set the bar lower? Either way, I actually had a lot of fun watching the film, warts and all. This viewing has restored my faith in the series, rekindled some of the magic I used to feel as a child.

Because, if even ‘Return of the Jedi’, the worst of the original trilogy, can be this fun, then ‘Star Wars’ can be awesome.

If ever the original theatrical versions of the trilogy are released on blu-ray, there is no doubt I will buy them. I have been waiting patiently for their release so I may buy the ‘Star Wars’ movies again. I don’t want the crappy revisionist versions that George Lucas produced in recent years, which are further dumbed down and marred by crappy CGI effects. Forget it.

But, until they are officially released, there’s Harmy’s brilliant re-edits.

And there’s ‘The Force Awakens’, which I’m now a bit excited to see. With reservations, of course.