Burnout inside very difficult situation...

04-23-2008, 12:13 AM

Hi, I'm a newbie. I've read your posts about mother burnout. I'm in the middle of a difficult time. I'm a ADD adult, I get no attention from my husband, although he does almost all the work at home, but he wouldn't talk with me any more. And I have 3 used-to-be-beautiful children whichn now spend their time pulling for attention and half-killing each other.

Your posts are beautiful and inspiring, really, but I'm not really finding the way to continue with attachment parenting for my children when I feel I can't attach to anything anymore...

When they where young babies it was easier to follow them, to feel I was doing the right things, taking the right decisions. Now I feel betrayed for trusting them, because they don't trust me anymore. I feel lost, with no reference, no models to follow...

I am putting my children to bed and so I do not have much time to respond as I want to your important post, but, in the meantime I wanted to extend a hand of support to you. Thank you for reaching out.

Comment

Do you have anyone around you that you could open up too and ask for help? I find that getting together w/ other Moms and asking for ideas help me.

I'm going to very gently say this and I say it w/ love and concern and also been there done that, do you think that you may be suffering from some depression? I've really suffered from it in the last year and what has helped me is taking Omega 3 and DHA for it. It has really made a difference. I knew I needed something and this seemed the best option.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Comment

I totally see where you are coming from! There are many things going on that could be addressed (maybe couples therapy?) but I will approach two. How old are your kids, I know that as my son got to three I discovered I needed an entire different skill set to do Attachment Parenting. Try to find Connection Parenting (Pam Leo) http://www.connectionparenting.com/index.html
and then Unconditional Parenting (Alfie Kohn) http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.html
and use that together with Nonviolent communication (NVC) , which might help with your hubby too!http://www.cnvc.org/

Although these approaches don't "fix" personal issues but give you tools to improve your connection to your children and husband AND develop some important self-empathy. They have really helped me in the past 6 months, and I certainly have my own issues!

Could you give some more specifics of your own situation? Maybe I could focus on that for you?
I am thinking of you! Do you have a local group?

Comment

cmicher,
i was unable to reply last night, but you have been on my heart all day. the sadness in your post really comes through. please continue to chat w/us and let us support you.

the first thing i think you ought to do is take care of yourself, get yourself into a healthy state before you try to reach around you to solve problems. think of the "airplane mask" scenario". when on the plane, they tell you, put the oxygen mask over your own face before trying to help others b/c you can't help them if you've passed out! i agree w/PP about making sure you don't have depression on top of ADD and trying to find treatment for that, then maybe some counseling for yourself.

after that, you can work on repairing your relationships and healing your life.

Comment

To ewins:
Yes, I have some friends but I'm the only one in my social group who tries to continue AP after breastfeeding. I've been called names from my own friends and some family because of searching alternative school, food, toys and behaviours. So no, I wouldn't like to talk to any of them about this. And no, there is no API support group. If I feel better, I'd gladly start one...
I've been saying I'm depressed since the birth of my first child, now 8. But the only time I ended up in Pshichiatric public services, they ordered sinthetic drugs which I refuse to use. I believe I'm depressed because my mood goes up & down so dramatically not even myself understands what caused it. I'll seek opinion about nutritional supplements, specially about Omega3 as you suggest. What's DHA?

To naomifrederickmd:
My elder son is 8, my first daugter is 5 and my baby daughter is 2.5. About our specific situation, both my DH and I are firstborns, rare out of rare children in eachother's community. He's finishing PhD in Antropology, with a project about male parenting. I quitted my jobat the end of last school year in support of my elder son who was asked to leave the school if his ADDH behaviour didn't improve... and the way to improve it was to medicate. I'm working half day with my father, and I hate it. He believes working your guts out is the way to show love for your children. What else would you need to know?

To PaxMamma:
Yes, I understand and agree with your metaphore... our economical situation is quite fragile, so I can't get any profesional help at this time. It's also very helpful because I assume myself as urged to guide other moms, because of the benefits of AP I've known through my children. But I've not been a believably model reciently, since I've been so angry with everyone and everything. You know? I feel betrayed... because when you allow your children to attach, you let your own time, activities, routine aside. But now my children do not trust me, there fore they don't obbey when I disuade or distract them. They've started to follow my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law, who ofcourse are totally typical and not really AP believers, so Im very jealous and hurt.

Wow, I wrote so many words I can't even recall them myself. Here's my ADD showing! I've lost the point I was trying to make, if any. Thank you for your valuable time... hope hearing from you soon.

Comment

well, your situation sounds very tough indeed. please come here often for support. i'd also like to recommend two books that i think will provide great help in your struggles. hopefully your library has them:

Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld - this book discusses how to regain attachment w/your children once attachment has been lost

Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg - this book will help you in communicating your feelings and needs to others in order to resolve relationship issues. i highly recommend this to everyone i know. it is a life-changer and really should be required reading for life.

Comment

Where are you located? Even if there isn't an official API group I bet we could find you some sympathetic locals through some other group. Are you homeschooling your oldest now? I am a member of APdoctors referral yahoo group. You might try posting there to find good people. (not doctors, just people looking for doctors...others have done that before on this site)http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AP_Doctor_Referral/

Comment

Thanks PaxMamma! Of course I'll come as often as possible. I regret there is not this kind of communication between women here in Mexico. I'll start checking the books, I have a great book shop in town which brings me US books at low cost prices.