Susan complains about how people are forced to lock up their true emotions

Ben: Susan, I'm a dentist. I spend all day listening to how people really feel, and it's usually "Ouch!" and after a long day of "Ouch!", I like to come home to a bit of "Aah..."

Ben: (talking to Michael about death) When I was younger, I thought people died because life was unfair. Then you and your brother and sister were born, and I realised life really was unfair. And expensive.

Ben: Now, my dad... my dad loved to give advice. And I was going out with this girl and I remember he said... he said, "Ben, no matter how beautiful you think she is and no matter how much you're in love with her or perfect she is - if she eats a dodgy piece of fish, she'll end up chucking her guts up like the rest of us!"

Janey: I wish I was dead!

Susan: Janey! How can you say that? "I wish I *were* dead." The subjunctive. Boys are more impressed by good grammar than tight jeans, you know.

Susan: [identifying who has called her, crying] Oh, Doreen. My yoga teacher, poor thing. While she was becoming one with the universe, her husband was becoming one with an accounts manager from Croydon.

Ben and Susan discuss Janey's habit of going out with boy after boy for her own benefit

Susan: She'll grow out of it.

Ben: I should hope so.

Susan: I did.

Ben: I should bloody hope so.

Nick appears at the house with a tour group

Nick: Here we have a typical English home, the family seat of the Harper dynasty. And here we have a typical English man. Hey, Dad! As you can see he's taken the day off to slob around in his dressing gown. There's the telly and there's his banana sandwich. Some of you may be interested to know that he's just had a big falling out with his daughter, after he called her a prostitute.

Susan: Why are you always convinced that Christmas is going to be a disaster?

Ben: Because it always is. It's traditional.

Susan: No it isn't.

Ben: There you go, always looking to the negative. You know I'm right; look at last year.

Susan: We all had a lovely time.

Ben: Oh yeah, you did. I got beaten up by carol singers...

Susan: Ah, yes...lovely voices.

Ben: The year before that there was the turkey.

Susan: OK, so it needed to stay in for a bit longer.

Ben: Susan, it was still alive. I'm trying to forget the year of the puppy.

Susan: Oh, the puppy...yes, that was sad, wasn't it? But those aren't reasons to hate Christmas.

Ben: Alright, try these: you have to jolly up to people you normally wouldn't bother to rescue from drowning; you get drunken men in suits vomiting in your flowerbeds; you're effectively trapped in the house with the central heating on full blast; and then someone throws a log on the fire because they think it's festive!

Susan Harper: Don't be defeatist!

Ben Harper: I'm not defeatist; I'm defeated.

Ben: What's that?

Susan: Chocolate Raisin Turkey with Caramel.

Ben: Excuse me?

Susan: It's Moroccan.

Ben: (looks at her cookbook) Ah, I see. Several pages of your cookbook are stuck together. Yeah, you've moved from Poultry to Dessert.

Susan: That's how great discoveries are made. Luddite.

Susan has given everyone revolting ties

Ben: (cringing) It's the thought that counts.

Michael: Shame it's such a horrible thought.

Nick: Nice tie!

Ben: Ignorance is bliss.

Susan: Then you must be the happiest man in the world.

Ben: (under his breath) I was until I married you.

Susan: I heard that!

Michael attempts to follow Nick and Janey to the pub

Ben: Hey, you're not allowed in pubs.

Michael: I am if I have a plated meal in a clearly designated restaurant area.