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The meek shall inherit the earth. Turn the other cheek. Do unto others. Love will keep us together. These are more than just Captain & Tennille hits. They are words torn from the pages of the Bible - words that self-described "Christians" claim to live by, and words that were conveniently forgotten when a Right-Wing Evangelical fascist gunned down an emotionally distraught man in a Colorado Springs Megachurch last weekend. Colorado Springs is only 823 miles from the George Bush Intercontinental Airport.

"I was praying to God that He direct me," the proselytizing assassin Jeanne Assam confessed to reporters today. "God made me strong."

How much easier it is to murder someone in cold blood when you have God on your side. It's the same mentality that encouraged armed Christians to slaughter 4,000 inner city blacks in a little place called Jonestown, just 6,548 miles from the George Bush Intercontinental Airport. It's the same religious lunacy that sparked the Holy Crusades, fueled the Spanish Inquisition, justified the slaughter of over 8 million indigenous Americans, and kept Touched by an Angel on the air for nine whole seasons.

Christians are supposed to turn their swords into plowshares, but they have instead fused their faith with the NRA and the GOP to create an American Taliban full of gun-toting Bible freaks who quote scripture and open fire on anyone who proudly expresses his burning hatred for the Christian religion. It's only a matter of time before Assam and her fellow jackboots start going around door-to-door, killing any liberal democrat they can find while Shrub watches approvingly from his stolen throne.

Was the man that Assam murdered mentally disturbed? Perhaps. Did he hate Christians? Who Doesn't? But did he deserve to be executed by a militant Jesus freak? Absolutely not. In a perfect world, Assam would be locked up instead of lionized. Unfortunately, she has about as much of a chance of being brought up on charges as I have of walking on the moon.

The moon is approximately 238,857 miles from the George Bush Intercontinental Airport.

I'd like to thanks everyone for all the wonderful cards and letters of congratulations. Being honored by the National Association for the Advancement of Colored Little People (NAACLP) was the highlight of my career as a tenured professym of Midget Studies at at Evergreen State College, and a memory I will cherish forever - even though the usual suspects tried their best to ruin it for me.

I could tell there was something fishy about the crowd as soon as I was introduced. For everything I have done for the Midget Community, I should have received a standing ovation. But not one member of the audience rose from his seat. Then my acceptance speech was rudely interrupted by an unforgivable act of intolerance.

"You know, a lot of people like to get up here and thank The Reverend Martin Luther King or Billy Barty for their award," I began. "Well, suck it, Jesus!"

I guess my sense of humor is too highbrow for such short people, because before I could even tell the God of Abraham to "kiss my ass" and the Virgin Mary to "eat my shorts", half the audience jumped down from their chairs and waddled out of the auditorium as fast as their stubby little legs could carry them.

That's how these so-called Christians are. They pretend to be so much better than peaceloving Muslims who riot over offensive cartoons, yet as soon as you insult their faith they get all huffy and puffy. Hypocrites to the core - and selfish! This was supposed to be a night for worshipping ME and gazing in awe upon MY GREATNESS, yet they were more concerned with revering their imaginary God in the sky so he'll let them into Heaven. If their primitive religious beliefs weren't so dangerous, Christians would be downright hilarious.

Anyway, it was their loss. I had a good time despite a few intolerant apples spoiling the bunch. I'll light an extra earwax candle for them at the Autumnal Equinox next month, but I doubt it will open their minds.

Senator and future President Hillary Rodham Clinton spoke candidly Monday about her belief in a Being perhaps more Divine than herself, and how this Being helped her find a way to package her husband’s Vast, Right-Wing Infidelity as a testament to her own strength and courage.

"I take my faith very seriously and very personally," Sen. Clinton told the crowd of devoutly progressive evangelicals at a Sojourners Call to Renewal forum, which she and two other presidential hopefuls had stumbled into purely by accident. "And I come from a tradition that is perhaps a little too suspicious of people who wear their faith on their sleeves. But since ya’ll brought it up...”

With a quick tug of the rosary given to the Senator by Mother Teresa at the Pope's funeral, a tall bearded figure sprang forth seemingly from her ass and gazed down upon the startled audience.

“I’m not sure I could have gotten through it without my Inflatable Jesus!” Hillary declared to enthusiastic applause.

“Nor I,” John Edwards agreed, giving his own Inflatable Jesus a chummy pat on the back. “I admit I strayed from my faith for a while, but when my teenage son was killed in a car accident outside the mill my father worked at, or when I was campaigning in the Bible Belt, Inflatable Jesus was there for me. Through thick or thin, I knew I could always pull my Inflatable Jesus out of my ass in times of trouble. ”

To woo the hordes of brainwashed Christofascist sheep into their flock, discerning Progressive Candidates turn to The Inflatable Jesus® by Hasbro. Inflatable Jesus is ideal for those who wish to affirm their religious beliefs without letting it interfere with their political agenda. The last thing anyone needs is the Son of God ruining their standing with NARAL, or scaring off the gay vote. But the Inflatable Jesus can be pulled out of your ass and inflated in an instant, then deflated and tucked away when his presence is no longer needed.

That Jerry Falwell deserved to die goes without saying. But as a caring, compassionate progressive, I can’t derive any joy from the man's death. For all the pain and torment Falwell inflicted upon the people of the world, he simply didn’t suffer enough to get my rocks off.

It was Falwell’s so-called “Moral Majority”, after all, that cursed us with Ronald Raygun - a senile fascist who murdered 178 billion AIDS sufferers by putting flowers on Hitler’s grave. It was Falwell’s evangelical ministry that bilked millions of ignorant, naive morons out of their life savings, essentially stealing potential campaign funds directly from the DNC coffers. It was Falwell himself who viciously attacked "Hinky Binky", a purse-swinging children’s TV character created to help flamboyantly gay toddlers come to grips with their sexuality. And whoamong us could forget Falwell’s infamous and incredibly hateful accusation that gays, lesbians, and the ACLU were responsible for the 9/11 attacks, even though Cindy Sheehan had already revealed that it was actually George Bush and the Zionist NeoCon PNAC Jews who caused the unfortunate incident?

But Falwell’s most heinous act, the one for which he deserves to burn in Hell for all eternity, was that he took all that Bible crap seriously - and convinced others to do so as well. His irrational views against sodomy, pre-marital sex, infanticide, and pornography not only soured voters against the Democrat Party platform, but also put a real damper on my Friday nights.

For all his crimes against humanity, Falwell doesn’t deserve an ounce of the respect any proud liberal would pay a copkiller or a Crip who murdered an entire family for kicks. But while I’d just love to drown myself in the same wave of uncontrollable giddiness that swept the progressive blogosphere when Tony Snow’s cancer returned, Falwell’s quiet and painless passing makes me feel somewhat cheated. He was a hatemongering bigot, and there are 225 million fundamentalist Christian wackos out there who share his beliefs. Until they all share his fate, America will never be free of hate.

Sen. John Edwards (who is NOT gay) took time out from fussing with his hair to denounce our self-obsessed, consumerist society.

"I think that Jesus would be disappointed in our ignoring the plight of those around us who are suffering and our focus on our own selfish short-term needs," said Edwards. "I think He would be appalled, actually."

Jesus spent the day relaxing in the jacuzzi at Edwards' palacial North Carolina estate and was unavailable for comment. But in a statement issued through Edwards' campaign manager, the Son of God called on Americans to put aside their petty hangups about confiscatory taxation and get behind John Edwards for President.

Prominent Evangelical leader and country music legend, Merle Haggard, has resigned in disgrace amidst revelations that he frequented a gay prostitute for drugs and sex, thus crushing all conservative opposition to same-sex marriage.

I don't expect any uneducated cons or active military personnel to understand such complex logic, so I'll lay it out for you. Let's pretend for a moment that Haggard's behavior was "immoral" and "wrong", as he has been preaching for years. It would mean the entire Christian Right no longer has any moral high ground from which to oppose same-sex marriage, prostitution, drug use, bestiality - you know, all the basic human rights we progressives have always fought for. You see, it's fine to openly and shamelessly engage in behavior that you know is wrong, but to do it secretly and behind closed doors while encouraging the naive and impressionable herd to refrain from such activity is the height of hypocrisy. As Al Gore shouted from his motorcade on the way to the symposium on the
evils of the internal combustion engine, "JESUS HATES A HYPOCRITE!

That's why the Christian religion needs to grow beyond its archaic ideas about morality. If you don't have any morals to betray, then there's no way you can be guilty of hypocrisy. It's what makes agnostic progressives such as myself better Christians than any so-called "Christian Conservative" out there.

As opposed to one’s sexuality, one’s religious faith is a private and personal matter, never to be imposed on anyone or displayed in public, but rather kept to oneself and concealed like an embarrassing skin condition. So it was with great reluctance that saucy sexpot and future Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, admitted that she is a devout Catholic – perhaps even more devout than John Kerry was during the 2004 elections. Every Sunday morning, the stridently pro-life Pelosies would gather around the family Bible, clutching their rosaries and wailing, “SWEET MERCIFUL JEEZUS, DON’T LET ONE MORE WOMAN EXERCISE HER CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO TEMINATE THE LIFELESS LUMP OF GOO FESTERING INSIDE THE WOMB YOU CURSED HER WITH!!!!”

Yet while her religious upbringing has gifted her with a deep sense of moral clarity and a strong grasp of the difference between right and wrong, she doesn’t allow it to interfere with her decision-making. Morals and values are peachy-keen when she’s in the big pointy building with the pretty windows; but when Congress is in session and she’s doing The People’s Work, she leaves all that “sanctity of human life” crap at home.

That’s the fundamental difference between progressives and conservatives. Pelosi can be staunchly pro-life, yet still fight tooth and nail to insure that abortion is legal, affordable, and guilt-free fun for all ages. Conservatives, on the other hand, are incapable of turning their shitty moral code off long enough to vote on a gay rights initiative, or legalize marijuana, or fund embryonic stem cell research so the rest of us can enjoy another Back to the Future flick.

That is why Republicans can’t be allowed to hold Congress any longer. Unlike Nancy Pelosi, they don’t have the courage to not have any convictions.

Mark Foley's lawyer suggested yesterday that a Roman Catholic priest who molested him as a child may be responsible for his homosexual proclivities.

I guess if anything good can possibly come from sexual abuse, that's it.

Frankly, I'm a little surprised, though. I had always understood that people were born gay. It's impossible to turn someone who isn't a homosexual into one, so any claims that gay rights groups or progressive schoolteachers are attempting indoctrinate children into a gay lifestyle should be looked upon as the insane ravings of homophobic parents. Now I am learning that Roman Catholic priests are going around, magically transforming heterosexual young boys into flaming homos.

All I can say is, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, PRIESTIES!

With so many members of the Gay Community killed off by AIDS and Republicans every year, perhaps this is God's way of replenishing the species so we can continue to enjoy a wide variety of fabulously decorated park restrooms.

Judging by his extremist positions against abortion and gay marriage, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the Pope is a hatemonger as well. Quoting from an ancient text, the leader of the most barbaric religion in the history of the world accused Islam of being "evil", and "inhuman". Once again, Catholics have demonstrated that they just can't get out of the Dark Ages.

Muslims are a deeply sensitive people and their feelings are easily hurt, but Islamist leaders across the world took to the airwaves and beseeched their followers to refrain from acts of violence and instead walk the path of peace. Although the pontiff’s words were reminiscent of Hitler back before he redeemed himself by killing 6 million Jews in an imaginary Holocaust, they were only words and no excuse for harming innocents. Once an appropriate amount of churches had been burned and enough nuns brutally gunned down, Muslims and infidels could co-exist in peace and harmony.

The Pope, on the other hand, seems determined to start a Holy War. His half-assed apology was too little, too late, and didn’t include anywhere near the amount of groveling Muslims have grown to expect from Europeans. Nor did he mention that he was willing to accept punishment for his cruel attack on the peacelove Muslim peoples. Under Sharia law, anyone who even indirectly implies that Islam is anything less than "peachy keen" can only be forgiven once they’ve been decapitated, disemboweled, and then trampled to death by a herd of unwashed goats. The Pope is probably too much of a bigot to accept such an olive branch, but there is an alternative. He could convert to Islam.

I know he’s got it pretty good with this Holy See gig. He's got a big house, a fancy car, and more money than he knows what to do with. But the Pope should try thinking about someone besides himself for a change.

The house is a rockin' here at Seattle Hemp Products! In honor of 06/06/06, we've cranked up the jukebox with an iTunes playlist guaranteed to run all the intolerant, biblethumping evangelicals out of the office - had we not fired the last of them months ago.

Begone, Xians, with your family values, your opposite-sex marriages, and your charity bake sales! Go back to the Dark Ages from whence you came!

Anyway, I gotta run a coworker to the hospital. Sheldon in Human Relations jabbed his finger into his eye attempting to perform the Dio salute.