Things They Can’t Say: Don’t Judge the Dating Single Mom

Hi, I’m Melissa! I’m a newly single mom to an amazing handful of a 2 and a half year old little boy. When I’m not being the Tickle Monster, or a higher ed. administrator, you can find me at my blog marching to a different beat, or on Twitter – @MelissaG813

I am getting a divorce.

And it is not awesome.

I know what you are thinking. “Um, of course it is not awesome. Your marriage is ending. It is sad. For you. For your child. It’s a horrible situation.”

But that’s not why I think it is not awesome.

Of course it is all of those things. It is sad. And I am worried about how it will impact my son. But overall, I know in my heart of hearts that it is the right thing to do. That we will all be happier, and we will be a better family no matter how “broken” we may appear. Better parents to our son. Better friends to each other. Just, better.

So, no, the marriage ending is not why it is not awesome.

The fact that I want to start dating and feel like I will be judged for it is why it is not awesome.

I am not looking to jump into a full fledged relationship. I am not looking to run to the alter again. Absolutely, 100% not at all.

Yet, I would like to go out with a member of the opposite sex at times. Enjoy a nice dinner, some drinks, play some mini golf, walk a beach, go to a movie.

You know…dates. Have a little fun.

But, I don’t tell most people this. Because even before I get the chance to tell people, they feel the need to offer their opinion of what I should do with my love life now as a single woman, a single mom.

I am told not to rush into anything, that I need to focus on myself and my son.
And if I do tell people? I am asked if I am the type of person who needs to be with a man to be happy. If I’m unable to be alone. Accused of not making my son a priority.

Um…what?

Why is it that it is seemingly acceptable for a man to “get back out there” right after breaking up with someone, but when a woman does it, when a woman feels she is ready to do it, she is accused of awful things? Why is it that I’m judged because I’d like the company of a man at times?

Why is it that it seems as though “focusing on yourself and your son” means being alone? To me, focusing on myself means making myself happy. Whether it be sitting down to write, journaling, going to bed at 8pm, working out at the gym, playing trains and cars and in the sandbox with my son, or…going on a date. If it makes me happy, what’s wrong with that?

It makes me angry. It makes me feel like I need to lie when I do go on a date, or not even on a date, but just when I hang out with a man as friends! It makes me feel like people think I’m a horrible mother, a horrible person, pathetic. And then I get more angry, because I know I’m not any of those things.

I’m the perfect mother for my son. I try to be a good person every day. I’m strong and confident in myself as a person and as a woman.

Comments

You need to do what makes YOU happy! I seem to think that if you’re going through a divorce right now that you kind “broke up” a long time ago. Choosing to get divorced was the final realization that everyone would be better off. Don’t feel discouraged by Ms. Judgeypants. It’s your life, it’s your happiness, you choose.

This is a very powerful post about a emotional topic… but the answer always comes from within you. YOU know your beautiful son and you know the LOVE beyond words that you feel for him. He KNOWS this love and gives it back. Outside of your great love, care, Mommying… a life exists, just as it exists for every Mommy. Happiness exists. Sharing exists. Companionship exists. LOVE exists. You are the captain of the ship and your great peace, joy, happiness, contentment, fun, laughter, sharing is part of it all. When you are ready, you will know and that is that. Just my opinion! But I’d say the same thing to my daughters, my friends, my Mom for heaven’s sake and myself. Live, my friend! It’s difficult to listen to conflicting opinions, but you and only you will know when it’s time. Thank you for sharing and thank you for helping others in the same situation…

It’s really hard to know what is “right” when kids are young. I am always conflicted about it, partially because of people who feel the need to tell me what to do. Partially because of being judged. Partially because of my own internal conflict. I hope one day that I can show my son a healthy relationship, full of mutual respect and love and understanding. Thanks for commenting! 🙂

You certainly have a right as a mom and woman to take care of you- whether that’s a date or a pedicure or a glass of wine.
This is so honest and so needed by so many women. A marriage ending is sometimes what is best. You made a BIG decision, and I know you- you didn’t make it lightly. You’re a wonderful Mom and the impact on your son will be nothing but GOOD- he will see both his Mom and Dad in their best light, which happens to be not together anymore- that OK! Seeing his parents (separately in) a healthy relationship will someday happen, but til then- kick off your shoes and walk in the sand after dinner and a game of mini golf <3

haha!!! I love your last line because that lightheartedness is sort of how I am approaching this whole “wanting to date” thing right now! I’m not looking for anything mega serious, just looking to have FUN!!! And that is absolutely fun. 😉

That would be a hard situation to be in, but you are totally right if you want to date then you should be able to without any guilt! Mommy is a person too- that is what I often tell my kids and now at this point, you as a mommy and a person want to go on dates so you do it!
There will always be people that judge and people that think you should do things differently, but they are not you and have not lived your life, so do what is right for you

You’re absolutely right. Mommy IS a person too, with her own interests and wants and everything else! I feel like i”m always making the best choices for my son AND me. And he’s always in my mind when I make a choice on nearly anything. He’s my number 1.

Fantastic post! I divorced my first husband after 2 years, no kids. I am now happily married 10 years today. I think you need to do what is best for you and forget about what others say. Your son will benefit from seeing you be happy rather than sad or alone. Be happy and live your life!

I completely agree that he will benefit from it. I’ve been happier in the last month or so than I have in a long time, and from what I can tell, it shows! I’m happier, and I feel like he is happier. Life is good!

You do what brings you joy!! I’ve been in a similar situation….i was engaged, moved across the country, planning a wedding, acting as a stepmother to two girls, gave up a lot, and then one day it all ended and I was back in the north east with everyone saying “just be single for awhile, learn to be happy alone!” Uhm….no. Haha a month later I knew I needed to get back out there and I dated, like really dated, for the first time ever. And it was awesome, and then one of those dates ended up resulting in marriage (2 years later lol)
Go date!!! Happy mommas are better mommas!!!

Right?! I mean, I’ve sort of been here before too. And the first time around? I should have stayed single longer. But it is what it is and I’ve learned a lot and learned from the past. I feel ready. Who knows what the future would bring. I”m not looking fora husband! I just want to hang out and maybe be a little romanced! What’s wrong with that? lol. And yes, this would be my first time REALLY dating too. I am sort of excited about it! 😉

I too am a single mom…a single mom to 2 kids, one who has cancer. You should hear some of the things people say to me when I say I’m getting divorced. They think I’m having a midlife crisis, they immediately assume I was abandoned and I’m not here by choice, they think this is a phase, they think I’m a bad mother. I love that you wrote this post because a lot of people don’t realize that it’s your friends who think these things. I am getting a divorce. It doesn’t mean I’m not a good mom if I choose to date…and I did choose to date and peope judged me. What did I do? I didn’t tell people and I kept him a secret from a lot of people. What happened next? He left. So now that I’m alone people are providing the same advice they’re giving you, “take time for yourself”, “spend some time alone to discover who you really are and what you really need”, “you don’t need a man to be happy”, “focus on your children” and my favorite, “your baby has cancer…you’ve no business dating”.
It makes me sick and it makes me really sad. Because like you, I’m the perfect mother for my children.

Oh girl. I love you. I can’t imagine how ANYone would think you are a bad mother. You are an incredible, strong, amazing mama and deal with a lot of stuff that most people would crumble under. I just don’t understand how being alone is the best thing for you, or I, or anyone in a similar situation to us. Maybe it is for some people, but if we CHOOSE not to be, how is that WRONG? I will never understand it. And I’ll especially never understand how it immediately equates to us being bad mothers. Or selfish. Or – the one that pisses me off the most -insinuates we “need a man” to be happy. You’re awesome mama. And you ARE the perfect mother for your kids. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. xoxo

The fact that you are making a conscious effort to make yourself happy is what B will remember the most. He’ll know when you’re smiling. And when you’re happy. He’ll carry that happiness with him, which is what truly counts. If you had to worry about what others thought of your life, then you let them lead it. I know you would never do that. You’re a strong woman and mom BECAUSE you make yourself a priority. You deserve to be happy! B deserves a happy mom. You know exactly what you should be doing with your life and you’re right– you’re a perfect mom to him. 🙂

The hardest part is trying to politely listen to others while not absorbing their judgment. YOU know that you are a great mom and that you are doing the right things by your family. And YOU know that you deserve to be as happy as the next person, and to define that however you see fit…with whomever you see fit, whenever you are ready. Everyone has an opinion, but only yours matters.

I think that’s the biggest thing. I try not to let their judgments get to me, but it is definitely tough. Especially when some of those with those opinions are some of the loudest voices I hear. But, I know what makes me happy!

I love this post and respect you SO much for speaking your mind and addressing this very important issue. I have a lot of friends who are single moms and you know what? It IS hard. And IT IS ABSOLUTELY AWESOME that you’re getting out there again. You deserve to be happy! And your son will be grateful that you are happy in life, no matter what. XO

Thanks, Jackie!! It is VERY hard. I’m lucky that I have an incredible support system, but it is definitely tough. Knowing that I have the opportunity to get out there if I want, and enjoy that happiness, is fantastic.

As a single mom who works full time, it’s not easy balancing work, dating and motherhood. It’s not impossible but it is a little bit harder. My top priority is my daughter, then work then dating. I think any mother single or not needs time away to take of herself emotionally and physically. We need time for ourselves to socialize with other other adults. We worry so much about our kids that we forget that if we’re not happy our kids can see that. They might be young but they’re not dumb. DON’T let people make you feel like your a bad mother as long as you know you’re not who cares what people think. I’ve come to realized that people talk whether it’s good or bad they will talk but as long as I’m happy and my daughter is happy that’s all that matters and at the end of the day they’re not supporting me so they’re opinion doesn’t matter 🙂

I truly feel for you, as I have been there:(( It drove me crazy how people felt that because I was newly divorced and single that everyone could give me their opinion. You need to do what is right for you. You need to take all the time YOU need. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your child. Hang in there – there are good times ahead of you too:))

You are awesome for writing this post. It’s the kind of honesty so many women need to hear. You’re a mom but before that you’re a woman and you need to take care of you in order to be there for B. And your choice to date is an example to him that life goes on.

I swear lately, it’s like people just LIVE to judge others. They look for things to pick apart and complain about. It’s ridiculous. No matter what, people will talk. I absolutely think you should date if that’s what you want to do. Give ’em all something to talk about!

Oh, Girl, I’ve been in your shoes and I understand. Everyone has an opinion and they think they are being “helpful” by telling you, because you are apparently incapable of thinking of these things on your own. Ultimately, I waited a really long time to start dating, because that was what was right FOR ME and MY children! It sounds like you know your heart and will do what’s right for YOU and YOUR son!

Happy moms have happy kids. You’ll never be happy trying to please other people. And really why bother since you’ll never make everyone happy? I say do what you feel comfortable and try ignore the peanut gallery.

It is hard enough to be a single mom! There should be no judging about dating again. That is so unfair.

Welcome to Things I Can't Say: Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom. I'm Shell. Boy mom, beach girl, bookworm, ball games, baker, brand ambassador, Thinking yoga, food, and travel should start with "b," too. Finding the easiest way to do some things while overthinking so many others. Read More…