Parental Advisories – Volume 9

Look. It’s not that I don’t want to give you people advice, it’s that you won’t allow me to. Even after my previous EIGHT installments of my parental advisories, in which I’ve dominated the field and proven my bona fides as someone who can write middling jokes while being kind of insulting and mostly side-stepping your very real domestic problems. I own the space!

You want in on this expertise? Then you’d better get to asking more questions!

Until then, I’ll service the meager few who’ve got the balls to admit – and/or are so drunk they actually think – that I’m a better parent than they are.

Like these brave souls below.

Dear Dad and Buried,

My son loves a little girl at school and she loves him. Unfortunately we May or may not have given her infant brother RSV (who had to be hospitalized – eek!) We did not know my son was sick at the time of the exchange of germs, however her family seems to be keeping their distance (literally) from us. My question is, should I fight for this friendship for my son? I am having my doubts that she and I could really be friends. What would dadandburied do?

– Mar

Dear Mar,

First of all, “Mar” is an odd name. Are you writing from Westeros? Have you found your dragons? Anyway, I have to turn the tables, because I have two questions for you: Does you son really know what love is? Does he want me to show him? Because in my first few years as a dad, I’ve learned a lot about love, and most of what I’ve learned is that a) it’s fleeting and b) it doesn’t really exist, especially when you’re under five and the object of that love isn’t either your lovey or your Mommy.

So I wouldn’t be too concerned about the nipping in the bud of your son’s fledgling romance, especially since his girlfriend sounds a wee bit prudish. If a little case of RSV is scaring her off then she’s in for a rude awakening when your son turns eight and starts eating bugs to impress her, like Nicholas Cage. Just buy the kid another matchbox car and watch him cleave that little girl from his memory almost as fast as the Unsullied’s masters cleaved their genitals from their crotches. Sorry to be crude but I’m only speaking in terms a Targaryen would understand.

Besides, her parents sound like dicks. Surely you have better friends in your life.

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

– Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried

I am an extremely lazy person. I have 14 yr old twin boys, who in my opinion, should be doing a heck of a lot more around the house. For instance, we are moving in less than a month! Yet they seem content to just sit and play video games or watch Anime. seeing as how that is something I’d much rather be doing myself. Yelling at them from the couch to “Pack to your god damn rooms up so you can start on the rest of the house!) doesn’t seem to be working. I know your son is much younger than mine are, but I thought perhaps, you’d have some insight as to how I can motivate these kids to listen to their lazy mother.

– Loves Couches

Dear Katie,

Let’s ease up with the self-degradation, shall we? You have twins and, assuming they did finally lend a hand with your move (I’m responding to this quite late), they’re still alive. So you’ve already accomplished more than most of us, even if by “accomplished” I mean “added despicable, shiftless teenagers to an already overcrowded earth.” Secondly, you just moved, and having just moved myself, “lazy” is the last thing I’d call someone who has survived such a hellish undertaking. That said, if you’re admitting your own laziness, then it must be pretty serious, in which case your sons have surely picked up on it. Lazy is as lazy does, na mean?

The difference here, of course, is that you’ve already lived your life. You’ve sowed your oats, made your way, done everything you’re ever going to do and are now just awaiting the sweet deliverance of eternal sleep. So your own laziness is no excuse for your sons, unless we’re calling laziness genetic, and if we’re not ending this charade and finally admitting that homosexuality is genetic then I don’t think we’re allowed. So don’t be so hard on yourself. Your kids are probably just assholes. Or teenagers. (Those are synonyms.) As for getting them to listen, try bribery. Or just charge them rent.

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

– Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried,

I have a 2yo who loves to do everything with the same routine. When something changes, she reacts (react = crying for 28 hours or I die. Whichever comes first). The point is: 1. Is it normal for children of that age are so susceptible to changes?. 2. My daughter will have OCD?. If so, 2.a. I can use it in Vegas as Rain Man/girl?. 3. What are the chances that a prostitute discover that my daughter is counting cards? PS: Excuse my English, I’m from Venezuela. Oh-oh … you’re from USA!. Ok … very close to Colombia and Brazil. (Drugs and orgy). Sorry, it’s a joke. My respect

– Rohan D

Dear Rohan,

I like the way you think, Rohan, as I often find myself thinking about the same things, like whether I can exploit my son for my own personal gain. I also fear the retribution of prostitutes. And I definitely wonder if my son might have OCD because holy shit does he go ballistic when something is not placed “just-so”! So your email has actually reassured me! I’m not alone! I’m not afraid anymore!

Now it’s my turn to help you. Don’t sweat it. Toddlers are walking mental illnesses; any particular symptoms you think you see are more likely a result their age than anything else. I’d guess that your daughter’s OCD will fade with time, to be replaced with ADHD or PMS or something far worse, being that you’re so close to “drugs and orgy.” Sorry, it’s a joke. Much respect. (Shout out to my foreign readers!)

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

– Dad and Buried

That’ll do it. Only three questions this time, because unlike “Loves Couches” up there, most of you ARE lazy.

But I’m not (yes I am), so not only am I willing to help by allowing you to submit your questions here, I’ve also created a new page where you can eschew my genius-level tips and simply brag about your problems on the Buried Secrets page. Everybody*’s doing it!