"I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse."

A Pakistani woman was sexually assaulted yesterday. Police are still trying to find a motive.

In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Answer. Throw in your washing.
We were all having a good old laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said
''I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits''.
I said ''Sorry mate, did he drown?''
"No", he said ''he choked on a sock''.

Two babies died, one white and one black. They both come to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter speaks to them...
First he turns to the white baby: "Here are your wings child, you will now be an angel."
Then he turns to the black baby: "Here are your wings child, you will now be ... a bat."

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How long does it take for a black women to take out the trash?
- 9 months.

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A Jew almost falls from the cliff. He manages to grab a tree and is now hanging on a tree branch. God decides to talk to him...
"Let go of the tree branch, I will catch you" - says God.
"But I am scared, I will fall down, my Lord" - says the Jewish man.
"Do you have faith in me, my child? I am you Lord, let go of your right hand if you trust me" - says God.
So the man lets go of one hand, but still holds on with the other...
"Now, let go of the other hand, I am you Lord, I will catch you and protect you" says the Lord.
"OK" - says the man, lets go of the tree and falls down with a nice *splat* on the ground.
God just laughs and says: "That's what you get when you are a Jew"...
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A black man catches the golden fish. The fish says: " If you let me go, I will grant you 2 wishes." A man is confused and he asks: "Why only 2 wishes, isn't the procedure 3 wishes?" The fish looks at him angry and squirts out: "It's because you are a fucking nigger!"
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How was the small lizard created? A Scotsman was feeding the alligator...

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Two pedophiles are talking... "So I've met the cutest little girl, she is 4 years old, blonde hair..." - explains the first one. The second one interrupts him, with a disgust in his voice: "That's disgusting, it walks."

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I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.-Hunter S. Thompson

Four men sit drinking in a bar, an Arab, Slovak, Gypsy and a Hungarian. The Arab throws a glass upwards and shoots it down with his AK-47.
"We in Saudi Arabia are so rich that we never have to drink twice from the same glass!"

The Hungarian throws his glass upwards and shoots it down with his gun. "We in Hungaria have everything so cheap, that we never have to drink twice from the same glass!"

The Slovak throws his glass upwards and then shoots down the Gypsy and Hungarian. The Arab shits his pants and quivers from fear.
The Slovak says, "We in Slovakia have so many Gypsies and Hungarians, that we never have to drink twice with the same ones!"

***

Dezo and Karol are two Gypsy beggars from Slovakia. They work in London on two different streets.
Dezo brings home 2-3 pounds per day, but Karol brings to his wife every day a full suitcase of 10-pound banknotes.
One day Dezo asks Karol:
"How comes I work just as much as you, but I earn so little?
Karol answers:
"Show me what's on your tablet."
Dezo shows: "I have no work, I have a wife, six children, nothing to eat, help us."
"This is what you have? No wonder you get so little."
So Dezo asks, "what's written on your tablet then?
Karol shows: "Need 10 more pounds to return to Slovakia..."

*** And here are some non-offensive jokes:

A psychopath infiltrated the national bank and managed to soak in cyanide the money meant for children's homes. The victims are 20 deputies, a minister and two mayors, no child was harmed.

***

George Bush walks on street with his wife, but he looks after all pretty women around. His wife sees that and gives him a smack. Then suddenly a man comes up to him and punches him in the face. "Why do you beat my husband?!" the wife asks him.
The man replied, "Sorry madam, I just thought it has begun!"