The Planet

Ever wonder where all those great guys who said they’d call but never do go to die?

The first time I learned about The Planet, it was over drinks with a group of girls last February. One girlfriend, Rebecca, was complaining about a guy that she had met at a bar a few weeks earlier. She’d done everything books like He’s Just Not That Into You and Why Men Love Bitches suggested were sure-fire, one way, express tickets to companionship. She pretended she was busy the first time he asked her to meet, she didn’t go home with him after they finally did meet, and on the date, she was, as she describes, “the perfect version” of herself. (To us, this meant the liar her therapist has been trying to treat for years.)

She suggests that they had an amazing date only made more spectacular by a perfect goodnight kiss. And just when she was beginning to explore monogram options for their bedding, the inevitable radio silence came yelling. He never wrote to her to explain how unabashedly perfect and charming she was and what’s worse? He couldn’t even muster together a response (or decency) when she finally grew a pair and texted him.

“But what is it? WHAT HAPPENED?” Rebecca pleaded to us.

“Maybe he’s out of town.” We began unraveling every excuse we could pull from our bank of I’m-sure-he-loves-you-but-insert-circumstance-here’s.

“Maybe he has a girlfriend,” one of us suggested.

“Maybe your text didn’t go through or maybe he didn’t get it, or maybe something weird happened with his phone. MAYBE HE LOST HIS PHONE! That’s it, he probably–no, definitely–lost his phone and never got your text!” A kinder voice chimed in.

And before I could explain my opinion, which is, (thank you for asking,) that he got arrested for running a sex trafficking ring, our friend Casey, with perfect blonde hair and a perennially sun-kissed glow offered her two cents.

“He went to The Planet.”

“The what?” We asked.

“The Planet.”

“Is that a bar?” Was it a bar?

“Nope. It’s where all the guys who disappear go,” she unflinchingly explained.

We grew silent.

Naturally, I was confounded and because I imagine that perhaps you, too, are confounded, let me break this down for you as simply as possible:

The Planet (noun):

1. The Planet is a place where the men who are never to be heard from again go.

2. It is loosely based on a Sex and the City episode where the girls head to Staten Island but in this instance (read: real life) The Planet is far more Oz than it is Sex and The City.

3. The physical location of The Planet remains undetermined however should you find yourself at Brinkleys, The Standard, or Cyrills in Amagansett, (for the uninitiated these are historical bro-hangout landmarks located in the tri-state area,) you’ll likely find some of its loitering inhabitants.

4. The living conditions on The Planet also remain unclear but the assumption is that they are pretty fucking fantastic seeing as men can’t get there fast enough. (Think tropical locale where Bar Refaeli pours Bud Light on her chest and into their mouths every fifteen minutes.)

Planet Dweller (noun):

1. Refers to a man who has taken up residency at the aforementioned location

2. Planet dwellers make their exit after a great date, or a few dates or a steady string of consistent gatherings that are seemingly (keyword) running on the fast track to monogamy.

3. In some instances, he is devastatingly handsome. In others, he’s the precise fellow you thought you’d give a chance because “why not, you know?”

Most Planet Dwellers do:

1. Ask for your your number after having spent the entire previous night essentially helping you map out your collective future but alas, he does not initiate contact thereafter.

2. Almost always allude to another meeting, see: “I’ll tell you about it next time we’re together,” “we should totally get drinks at that place you were telling me about,” (his friend, Urban Daddy, has several suggestions too,) “let’s move to Sri Lanka,” but never follows through.

In addition to bro bars, Planet Dwellers are commonly and frequently found at yoga studios and J. Crew. In fact, I’m pretty sure a lot of them–with their bare ankles and boat shoes–infiltrate the catalog.

But there’s an important distinction to make here. The Planet’s denizens do not include the blazon of male who does not call after a bad date. Now, what’s a bad date you ask? Say you threw up in his presence or peed in his bed, did your best Hallie Berry Monster’s Ball impression much to his bewilderment, or maybe got your period while sitting on his lap. The chances here are that he simply went home and didn’t call again. (Fucking idiot.)

True Planet Dwellers have been known to resurface post exodus. Those who do are called Orbiters and are the worst kind because they travel back and forth between your version of reality and The Planet, leaving behind a trail of scattered texts and subsequent wine bottles and tears.

I understand that The Planet may seem like a place that we as women have fabricated to make up for failed love endeavors but until there’s proof such a place does not exist in our solar system, I’m sticking to my guns and highly suggesting that you too recognize, it’s not about you. He just really wanted to see what The Planet is all about.

Girls: It’s not a planet. It’s called “houdini” – the ever popular magic trick known as “disappearing”. Guys made up this word & talk about it in man code to each other. They KNOW when they are going to do it, vanish. This is why we need to teach the next generation (impossible I know, because girls will be girls) – but they need to forget the “Prince” (who btw doesn’t exist) & instead chase their dreams (or themselves). See boys worry about one thing, themselves. Girls worry about a gazillion things (none of which are THEMselves, because well girls are too busy worrying about making everyone else happy). Boys don’t grow up being told this magical fairytale, they don’t day dream about that kind of stuff — they do them. They like a girl, they go after her. YES they play games, we all play games when we don’t know or aren’t “ready” — but the bottom line is IF the guy you went out on a date with is in fact a magician & disappears – well – so what. THAT’S what girls need to start doing…support groups to learn NOT to analyze every magician & to just say – whatevs’ …cuz the right one. Your Partner, not the Prince won’t vanish out of thin air. #GlamTruth xx, Synderela

Rosemary

As Omar would say, Syndy, were he alive – true that….or It’s all in the game, though, right? Or any one of hundred Omarisms. The PBOA women put themselves through over this movable Clown Car/Confederacy of Dunces needs to end. Too much time wasted on ppl who care not one wit.

http://www.facebook.com/paula.mcclelland1984 Paula McClelland

This is so true! If a guy is worth it he will call – if he’s not, pick yourself up and move on.

“where Bar Refaeli pours Bud Light on her chest and into their mouths every fifteen minutes…”

//begin sys-intern Admin Report// : seems Planet security has been breached by an off-Planet, female intelligence network. Recommend immediate redesign of the main Neural Firewall and fortification of the outer boundary Female Negation Field Lattice(tm) … further, we suggest replacing Bar Refaeli with Brooklyn Decker for the next full term Gen-Cycle to avoid other, more harmful inter-world reflections. //end sys-intern Admin Report//

Norwegian

The “why not, you knows” are the worst. It’s like “Wait, you were more into me than I was to you? This is not supposed to be how this ends.” And then you become unreasonably attached because you’re so confused. So annoying.

http://www.facebook.com/TheGodsofVictory Joel Harris

I will move to Norway, right the fuck now. Actually, … considering the plane time and all? I most likely won’t (unless your paying). But still … (insert imagination) … a pretty thought ..

norweigan

The “you were more into me than I was into you” comment wasn’t suppose to have a question mark. Sorry!

Lis

I have a type. My type of a guy comes from “the Planet”.

Lua Jane

I think lots of us have that type.

Chicspace/Marguerite

Cracking up….so, I work in the space program, and boyfriend works on “The Planet” you’re showing (well, on the mission there). Now I know where he’s going when he needs his “alone” time or “I’m mad” time or whatever that time is…it’s Planet Time.

brunetteletters

This is one of my best posts so far.

Funny how the last time this happened to me, the moment we were saying ‘good-bye’ I totally felt like I would never see him again (and I didn’t).

Even though our date was what I considered ‘perfect’ for some weird reason I just knew it.

The worst part of men going to The Planet, is that we blame ourselves for them going there.

NO, you didn’t do anything wrong…he was just not meant for you.

I’ve been through a lot with men that I have come to a point in which I seriously just don’t care. If they call, or go to The Planet…I just wish them well.

Oh god, can ladies occupy The Planet too? Some of my recent bad habits are resurfacing with a serious side order of guilt.

Whatisinmyworld.com

Love this post and your sense of humor. Thank you for the laugh.

http://www.myshoppingspy.com/ Shopping Spy

I think I go to Venus after my next successful date where I will be distracted (and unable to call HIM back) by free facials, topless male models, the biggest outlet shopping mall of the solar system, foot massages whenever I kick off my heels and calorie free chocolate. Who cares if he calls back anyway..

I am married to a man I love (thank f’ing god) but my single mom girlfriend accidentally sent a dirty text to a guy she had been out with twice. he then cancelled their date ( a day later) because he had to work late. she was of course overthinking it and wondering what she did wrong but then the guy was brave enought to send her a very long text explaining how he was totally fucked up in the head from a bad divorce, possibly a drinking problem and overall issues. you know – that guy should get a high five for taking the time and being brave enough to explain this to my friend. otherwise she would be wasting her time and energy overthinking all of this bullshit over a guy who is obviously not worth it. the problem is women overthink it. shit doesn’t work out. people move on. not sayng it’s right to NOT call but t’s not the worst offense in the world. it’s really the problem of the woman who chooses to focus all that energy on something that lasted all of 2 dates. but clearly i was guilty of all these things when i was single

danada

uhoh, i went of a 1st date last night that was surprisingly fun. now it feels doomed. fucking planet.

Veronica

This is the best post yet. Absolutely hilarious and spot on!

Dana

well, goddamn, I was wondering. Thanks for clearin’ that up. I hope there’s no oxygen on that planet!

Costume De Rigueur

hahahahahhahahhahahhaaha….Popo…I have aaaaaa lot of girlfriends to share it with…hahahahahahaha…so I guess these men are like U.F.Os ?? The Planet Dweller wants to go home ? Spielberg needs to create a new version…

The Planet is not exclusively for men. They get rejected by ladies who seem relatively interested in them at first all the time (I’m a bartendress, I see it happen often). Instead of dwelling on it, all of us should just accept that sometimes, despite real or imagined indications to the contrary, we like people more than they like us. To me, making it seem like it’s something that only happens to women recalls cringe-worthy, outdated notions that most women are desperately seeking a partner and most men are comparatively indifferent.

Lest be a little more clear, is The Planet of those guys who are defiantly COWARD.
They don’t have nuts to say what they think. Is the same story when a guy wants to live you, but he says that everything is ok. I honestly think that they don’t have nut to be sincere and they are scare about us.

Truth has been exposed. I imagined it more as an un-mapped island somewhere, a bermuda triangle of sorts, but Planet works too. Why do i feel like this has happened to me many times but can’t remember when?? I can only remember one time this happened, which i was grateful for once others who knew him told me a little more about him and his assholic ways.

Abby

Perhaps we now have an obligation to raise our sons to fear The Planet, and thus save future generations of perfectly lovely women from this particular brand of heartache.

kc

My friend just asked me this like two minutes ago. And there you go ! You read my mind, man repeller.

Rosie

This happens to me EVERY SINGLE TIME! I never understood what always happens, my friends say I only date assholes, who are handsome on the outside but jerks on the inside. I was always left to believe that I have the worst taste in men, but now I know. I only date men who live of the Planet. Thank you Manrepeller! I have seen the light.

http://www.facebook.com/TheGodsofVictory Joel Harris

“To us, this meant the liar her therapist has been trying to treat for years.” … totally fucking brilliant.

http://thewhatiwores.blogspot.com/ dandy

“he’s just not into you” let it go and move on.. in the end those types will never really be worth it, because they will be taking many trips to “the planet” throughout the time your seeing them..

This. is. so. perfect. In addition to guys who disappear to The Planet and guys who Orbit, I loooove love love the guys who spend all their free time with you for weeks, text constantly, introduce you to their friends (and in one bizarro case, their FAMILY) and then suddenly discover they have a Relationship Allergy. “A relationship? I’m not looking for a RELATIONSHIP.” Oh, I’m sorry. I thought we were already in one.

I recently went on a couple of dates which I thought were great but he hasn’t asked me out again. I needed to make myself feel better, sane you know; so I wrote 14 reasons why guys don’t call or text. Please have a look http://www.velvetjar.com. I m wondering if I should ask him out but I want him to ask me. Guys are bozos. I bet he’ll come back on my radar when I’ve moved on. Always the way.

Behind the Mirror

“the liar her therapist has been trying to treat for years” epic!

lj

LOVE this. currently dealing with a guy who shipped himself off to the Planet, and this was 100% perfecto. thanks!