Thursday, November 12, 2009

Back

No more personal posts here, I'm stable. Yeah, I have mood fluctuations, but I have my goal clear. I want her to be happy. And she is happy. So, I'm happy. There are times when, in Neema's language, my blood boils. But if there's something I can't give her, and someone else can, I don't have a fucking right to object. I'll manage my fluctuations.Done with the exams today. I did my best. I know I could have done better, but given the circumstances, it was pretty good. Thanks to all those who forced me to go for the exam when I was determined I won't!Since the last two days I'm receiving a lot of love from Disha's mom. I know this is temporary. But I have to make use of it, till it's there. I have to use it to cheer myself up. With all the birthdays coming and going, I'll have something to keep myself busy with, for quite sometime now. I overate last night at Jojo Da's birthday family party. And today, I didn't have anything all day. Compensated, I guess. I dunno if I'll finally make it to a single movie at the Kolkata Film Festival. Hoping for some time next year, or the next! Hope again!Anyway, one thing's confirmed, I'm watching 2012 alone. Also Tum Mile, which I never thought I'd watch (especially after the disasters the Bhatt family has been producing over the last few years). But I will. Back to my movie self again. No resolutions anymore. I can spend as much money as I want on my desires. Secondary desires, that is! Praying for Puspen's recovery. He looks pretty awful, and that makes me feel awful as well. I have all the Wong Kar Woi movies downloaded. Next, Akira Kurosawa. And Al Pacino will be my relief breaks! I love the man. Just saw a few scenes of Chinese Coffee. It is an under-rated movie, but supposed to be Pacino's 2nd best performance after The Godfather-s!A lot of books on my way too...Chetan Bhagat's Two States (will start that tonight itself). Then Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead. Then Hilary Clinton's Living History. More to come. Till my results are out, I have to finish all that I wanted to do this year.Delhi seems to have taken control of my dreams, or rather nightmares. I have a bad dream whenever I go to sleep. I never experienced this kind of a thing before. That chain of nightmares at Durgapur, to start with...till today morning. I can't stop them, like I can't start my food habits all over again. But I'll manage. The toughest is yet to come. 19th-23rd December. I have no plan of action yet. One thing's good, I didn't get drunk any of these days yet! I wanted to, every night. But I didn't!Anyway, I'll see what happens. I'll fight my emotions till they consume me. I'm not doing too bad right now. Except for one outburst.I dunno. I just don't know. It's best I just stop my brain's functioning for sometime. Just enter a nitrogen freezer, and freeze myself, and all my metabolic functions till she gets married. I can allow my brain to start functioning after that, I guess. I dunno. I told you, I'm still not over the fluctuations. Right now, I'm feeling angry and sad at the same time. I was feeling happy a while ago, when I started writing this post. I'll stop before I blurt out unnecessary details.