Reviewing young adult, new adult, and romance since 2013.

Book review: Troll by Emma Clark

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆
Links: Amazon • TBD • Goodreads
Publication Date: February 4, 2014
Source: Daniel sent this to me because he always knows how to make me smile.

TROLL First 3 Books is an erotic short of 15,400 words (ebook is 50 pages; paperback is 100 pages). Includes graphic sexual content.

Note: No new material has been added. This bundled edition contains the first 3 books of the Troll series.

Twenty-one-year-old Kyla Adkins frequents the Internet in search of her soul mate.

While online, she meets hot and devilishly handsome Justin Brogan. Dangerous, arrogant and quite psychotic, Justin hacks into Kyla’s computer and soon he controls everything, including her heart and her life.

There are a few things that I have to say before I get started with this review.

Let me first say that this book was a gift from Daniel in celebration of me hitting 1,000 followers because he is the actual best person I’ve ever met in my life. “I saw this in a ‘worst book ever written’ video, and thought you’d enjoy it,” he said. He was right. I enjoyed it a lot. Five stars for entertainment value. It’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever read in my whole life, but I had fun reading it.

Second, this is not a book that I would have ever picked up for myself, but I’m so glad that I had the chance to read it because it really puts other books in perspective. Like, maybe the other books that I own really aren’t that bad.

Third, this book is actually three books and it’s only 99 pages with really big, double-spaced font. Also, I think the synopsis on the back cover is like… size 52 font. I’m not sure why everything is so big.

Anyway, without further ado, here are all 170 thoughts I had while reading Troll. Beware of lots of spoilers and lots of profanity (both mine and the book’s) as well as mentions of possible rape. Anything in bold is a direct quote, and this is 100% not safe for work.

What even is this cover? Is that a TARDIS or maybe a Dalek or a weird computer mouse in the corner?

I’m sorry, is this actually published by “DELICIOUSLY FIENDISH FICTION”

Summertime lasted three months, making it worse than Valentine’s Day. Where is she going with this… first page and I’m already confused…

Summer. A season when lovers held hands, embraced and kissed as they strolled side-by-side on the walkway heading nowhere. Sometimes I was forced to watch these lovers, considering my small apartment loomed above the street. Oh, I see. Okay. Maybe I’ll allow it?

So many obstructive buildings that I forgot what the moon looked like.

She’s 125 pounds and she calls herself overweight, okay.

Oh god, she’s trying to find a man on TRUE CHRISTIAN LOVE, this will end well.

I only used the site to avoid men who trolled strictly for sex. I have some news for you… plenty of Christian men troll just for sex…

Great boobs you have. Wow, I’m swooning already!! This guy is a smooth talker!!

Like, say it’d be a natural process for me to slide my cock up your puss– vagina. Wow, this guy really went through the hassle of typing “puss–” and then crossing it out. He’s a keeper.

He just said “roflmfao” and I don’t think I’ve seen that since I was 15 years old.

Would you prefer if I called them bewbs? I don’t think I’ve seen “bewbs” since I was 15 either.

Baby, I’m just being friendly. No need to get bitchy. : – ( He’s such a prize, I can’t even handle it.

Aww, PMS time? 😠

I’ll fuck off on camera. You wanted to see me fuck off, no? 🙄

With my backside wedged to the fridge… and why??

I find myself in the bathroom jerking off. When I imagine your pretty face surrounded by that lush blonde hair, all I wanna do is come, come and come. I am so glad that he’s sending her these unsolicited messages!!!

I want to possess every single inch of you. Nail you. Fuck you. 😬

Baddies have always been your type. Remember? This is not a “baddie,” this is an actual stalker.

Shit, maybe I was the weirdo? Yes, yes. Page 13 and already she thinks this is her fault, great.

He stood before a camera, somehow streaming live video to my computer. How and why.

And I’d be damned if he didn’t begin to strip. What the fuck.

Styled in a faux hawk maybe this book is actually set in 2005??

not a hair in sight is he actually a child because I’m pretty sure grown men have at least one hair on their bodies

He reached into his shorts, worked his cock until it grew to a shocking length. A SHOCKING LENGTH.

Upon returning, I found him dozing in the chair. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SNEAK OUT!!!

I glanced at the front door. Should I? I couldn’t do it. What the hell is wrong with you?!

Chugging on a beer (without my permission), Justin leaned against the fridge. He even steals her alcohol, rude.

I lowered my gaze, horrified to see my nipples clearly outlined under my shirt. The state of their nipples, just what everyone thinks about when there’s a stalker in their house.

Slowly Justin knelt before me, eyeing me while he took hold of my shirt and slipped it high above my ample breasts. Yes I allowed it. Why did you allow it.

Without warning, his tongue flicked a bare nipple. A single damp, swift stroke that made me quiver. Jolts of ecstasy radiated as my pussy clenched and my nipples hardened. That’s a lot of reactions to a lick.

…lost in the pleasurable experience of Justin’s rhythmic nursing. 😷

…so goddamn ready for his penetration it was ludicrous. SO! GODDAMN! READY!

And. He. Just. Wouldn’t. Stop. Eating.

Christ! He’s forced me right on the edge. Oh, oh, here it comes. It’s mounting, growing hotter, gonna be a big one– This is the most ominous way to describe an orgasm that I have ever heard.

My self-destructive attraction to baddies made this situation my fault as well as his. Again, he’s not a “baddie,” he’s a stalker and quite possibly a psychopath.

Still going on about what a bad kisser she is… “It didn’t bother me at first. I was glad for the opportunity to kiss you.” He’s an actual asshole, like, the literal worst.

“Baby, listen to me. Not everyone’s a pro at kissing. It takes practice like anything else. I was letting you know so you wouldn’t get embarrassed later.” Oh, so he’s insulting her for her own good. Right.

“…hot savage fucking is my actual talent.” HOT. SAVAGE. FUCKING. 🙄

“I want you to prove how special I am to you. Prove it by not jacking off in the next forty-eight hours, then I’ll believe you.” It’s the ultimate sacrifice, I guess.

Dark lashes fringed his hooded lids while dramatic brows complemented eyes of faint topaz. Since when does he have topaz eyes?? I thought they were azure??

My entire body thrummed with waves of pleasure and an overwhelming sense of pure love — and being loved — fulfilled the depths of my existence. He doesn’t love you.

This was how it felt to be loved by someone. HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU.

I wasn’t accustomed — nor prepared — for the vivid, frightening experience of his expressed love, which reminded me of fairy tales I’d indulged in as a child. There those fairy tales go again, fucking up even more lives.

She just used “suckling” three times in the same paragraph.

His lesson of mouth-and-tongue-play took forever — but I wasn’t complaining. Ew, that sounds gross.

“And don’t forget. I’ll be giving your final lesson in forty-seven hours,” he warned and lightly kissed my forehead. FORTY-SEVEN HOURS, that is very specific.

He’d endured six hours with a hard-on. I think you’re supposed to seek medical attention if it lasts that long.

WHY DOES HE KEEP CHORTLING???

She was reprimanded at her job for browsing dating sites at her desk but WHY would you want to do that at your job??

He ran his fingers through his spiky faux hawk. Oh god, I forgot about the faux hawk.

He raised my hand to the nape of his neck, where he left me clinging to the softness of his hair. I thought he had a spiky faux hawk, how is that soft??

“I haven’t had the easiest life.” “No one has.” Um, way to be a jerk?

“Have I ever given you any reason to think otherwise?” You’ve known each other for like… a day.

“I dreamed I pumped him full of lead.” Yikes.

“I could really fuck him up if you wanted me to.” YIKES.

“For real. And I’d get away with it.” He brought a pointed forefinger to his mouth and blew, pretending the digit was the barrel of a gun. YIKES!!

I didn’t know that eating nacho chips and queso dip in bed was considered an awesome picnic, but okay, glad you’re having fun.

He captured me before the elevator door slid open. His hand silenced my screams while he dragged me to my apartment. What the fuck.

He removed the mask to reveal an attractive, masculine face shiny with sweat. Oh, I forgot he was wearing that weird mask.

I jammed my knee into his balls, then scrambled off the floor. GOOD JOB.

Justin remained in a fetal position. Crying, sobbing, I reached in his jeans pocket where I tugged out the cancelled checks. Jesus, how hard did she knee him??

This book was a wild ride.

This book is legitimately one of the worst things I have ever read in my whole entire life. I can’t tell if this is meant to be a serious book or (since it’s called Troll) maybe it’s just an elaborate joke? Either way, this was just… the actual worst. I don’t even understand how it was published. Who decided it was a good idea?

Also, we never even found out what TROLL stands for.

Have you read Troll? Do you ever hate-read books just for fun?Let’s talk in the comments!

This is so funny, I’m in stitches… We started our blog because we both bought the worst book we had ever had the misfortune to come across and our main regret was that we bought it at the same time. Had one person bought and read it, she could have warned the other. So we started our blog this year to share our thoughts on books we read to maybe help someone make a more informed buying choice. Anyway, no…I wouldn’t buy or “hate-read books for fun.”

I really do prefer to read books that I love, but I also love reading books that are just ridiculously terrible sometimes. Especially if they’re recommended (or whatever the opposite of recommended is) by someone whose opinion I trust!

That’s also a great reason to start a blog! And I’m glad you liked my review! 😊

Yes, I can see the appeal especially if it is recommended by a friend. When I read a really badly written part of a book, I often call my friends and share it with them… to their displeasure but that doesn’t stop me. Sometimes, something is so ridiculously terrible, you want someone else to read it and laugh.

This book sounds like it was a wild ride, and I was laughing so hard with all the quotes you put and your reactions to them. I even shared some of them with my friends whose immediate response was “What have you just made me read with my own two eyes?” So, all in all, an excellent experience. I would call that a success.