The Trebuchet List

A list of objects that I would quite like to own, operate or otherwise use for nefarious purposes, and for which I have confiscated from myself by prohibiting me from having them. I know I can’t be trusted to act in a responsible manner with these devices, so I don’t take the risk.

By way of introduction…

Most people respond to seeing this list by stating “You’ve thought about this way too much”. That’s not entirely true. It’s more reflex driven moments of self-awareness, and the finely tuned survival skills of generations of people with an uncanny ability to leave a day before the fighting starts (whilst not actually being responsible for the fighting) that led to the list.

Seriously, do I look like the kind of person who thinks things through before doing them anyway?

Wait.

Oh never mind.

Anyway, the upshot of the list is that I have a self-moderated collection of prohibited objects, items, activities, people, places and possibilities accompanied by a brief set of notes on why I think it’s a thoroughly bad idea for me to have said listed objects. Although, as dear friends have mentioned, this is like a shopping list of temptations that could feasibly exist, I still really shouldn’t have any of the objects.

The Revocation Clause: Various items on the list have exemptions, and revocations. As a general rule, the revocation exists for the express purpose of letting me move from “I really shouldn’t have that” straight into using that for legitimate purposes.

Permitted Items: Some things are allowed, because I really do have a legitimate reason to have them

Nature, Rationale and Reminder.

The purpose of the list is to keep me out of trouble that I can see myself getting into with the aforementioned objects. The rules just make it easier for me to stay on the right side of my own intentions. Inclusions to the list come from me realising that what is most likely to happen next is going to be suitable unfortunate for everyone involved, and insufficiently worth the consequences. Believe me, there’s stuff not on this list because it’s worth the consequence. (Damn howdy was it worth the consequence.). I tend to have a much greater filter between brain and mouth than most people realise, it’s just that I tend also to consider certain consequences worth the price of admission, and as a result, I pay a higher fee to life than some of my more cautious friends.

So when I kick something off my permitted activity list, it’s because even I’m thinking it’s too expensive in terms of consequences (and this from a guy who gave what was widely regarded as one of the singularly most career limiting speeches in his Academy’s history because it was worth every penalty and vengeance seeking betrayal that followed).

Nothing gets on the list because someone else hates my freedom. Most things get on the list because I am very fond of my freedom, and would like to continue having it.

Notes to reading the Trebuchet List

Things you are allowed to do…

You’re allowed to laugh. It gets silly.

You’re allowed to ask “What the hell?” and query my motives.

You’re also allowed pants, two lemons and a stick of Whizz Fizz if that helps. It probably doesn’t, but I like to be charitable.

You may back away slowly, but not if you’re reading this on my phone. Hey, come back with that.

Things you are not allowed to do…

You’re not allowed to do is [REDACTED]. Or [REDACTED] and definitely not allowed [REDACTED] with [REDACTED] since that’s probably the bad kind of [REDACTED].

Rules lawyering to try to get me to breach the list is only permitted if you have amazing hips, or you’re part of the elite team of Trebuchet List Enablers.

The List Enablers (Promotor fidei fundibulum – promoters of the belief in the inherent worth of hurling or slinging machines)

After ill considered thoughts, and the acknowledgement of the greater propensities of my friends, a small cadre of people have been nominated as Trebuchet List Enablers. Their role is to be precisely the sort of people who I shouldn’t use for counsel as to whether something is a bad idea (if they’re keen, it’s probably a worse idea), and who are trusted, absolutely, to be the sort of people to help me source a large amount of pre-cut lumber, pulleys, ropes and aerodynamically shaped rocks.

General Chief of Aerodynamic Rock Sourcing: @lordriffington

Adviser of Meritorious Outcomes and Consequences: @m_minna,

Rules Lawyer and Diabolus Advocii @ravenblackhart,

Chemical, Biological and Temporal Engineering: @merlinc.

The List Saviors (advocatus Stephanus – $tephen’s advocates)

Formerly known as the Delegated Authorities of the List, the List Saviours are the three people who I trust most in the world to save me from myself with their delegated powers to amend the Trebuchet list.

Bail Holder, partner, and person most likely to deal with immediate consequences: @jennifergearing

Reserve Bail Holder, Acquaintance of Lawyers, and Person most likely to have to rescue Jennifer Gearing: @weaverandom

List moderator: @stephendann. Me.

The List Saviours are highly trusted for their ability to know precisely when this is about to go entirely pear shaped (or shaped like any fruit, or fruit related by-product) or possibly will endanger me more than even I’ve considered, so their word is as good as mine for prohibiting, moderating or otherwise pre-emptively rescuing me. They’re not killjoys though, they’re more savesteves.

The Trebuchet List (Self Prohibited Items List)

1. Prohibited Object: A Trebuchet: Firing arcs, accuracy, and an ability to fling objects from Point A to Point C clean over the top of Point B means I’ll get into trouble of the quite difficult to explain in court variety. This was swiftly upgraded to include mangonels since they’re a very specific form of object flinging technology. A later expansion of the rule included any form of ancient siege weapon including catapults, wolfapults or nearest equivalent technology. It makes certain periods in Empire Earth quite complicated.

1A. Exemption: In times of war, zombies or national emergencies where the capacity to fling things at other things becomes vitally useful, this rule is suspended for the entirety of the emergency, plus twenty minutes.

1C. Exemption: Any history RTS. Seriously, I now refuse to go through the entire period of everyone having castles whilst I have a prohibition on siege weapons. This will henceforth be known as the “Lord Riffington Exemption” since he kept invoking the trebuchet list in RTS matches.

1C.i: Even if I do tend to not build the siege factory in Empire Earth out of habit.

1D: Clarification: The category of arc fired, non-direct line of sight weaponry requires the weapons to be launched from the ground. Ground launched over the horizon payload delivery includes but is not limited to rocket launchers, siege weapons (classic) and shoulder mounted/ground based vehicle mounted equipment. Anything fired from a flying platform is probably covered elsewhere.

1.E.Clarification: The Second “Lord Riffington Exemption”: This exemption applies to prohibit Riff from invoking the Trebuchet List to deny me access to a specific listed technology or win condition when engaged in video game, board game or equivalent simulation battle. So nyah!

The Trebuchet List has extended beyond the basic siege weapon classes to become a touchstone list of things I know I shouldn’t be allowed to own. The extended list now includes:

2. Prohibited Item (Individual): Captain Planet: I tend to think about the tactical elements of Captain Planet far far too much. Like the time I was arguing that the power of heart could be used to induce coronary seizures in the Planeteer’s opponents. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea to give me any of the Planeteer powers or access to Captain Planet.

2A. Exemption: Nil.

3. Prohibited Object (Class):Hair regrowth devices, and anything that could be used to encourage hair growth in unnatural ways. Entirely because I was describing how I’d use them to grow out the hair on my fore-arms to wolf man monster proportions. This lead to a series of consequences that ended in the realization that Rapunzel’s extraordinary hair length counted a form of siege weaponry, and those, all hair strengthening, straightening or growth enhancing devices joined the Trebuchet list.

3A. Exemption: Hair dressers are not required to surrender this equipment if I am nearby.

4. Prohibited Object: Laminators. Whilst the people around me see no problem in crossing over my photoshop skills with lamination technology, I know this is going to end in tears and injunctions.

4A. Exemption: Officeworks may be used under supervision from an authorised Trebuchet list maintainer.

4.B. Clarification: No longer permitted to laminate food.

5. Prohibited Object (Class): Magnetic card readers, printers, keycard skimmers and anything else that could let me copy, duplicate or author swipe card technology. I know me, and I know me well enough to know that I’d social engineer my way into somewhere that didn’t have the “For unauthorised exit, press this button” near the front doors. Particular if by “social engineer” I mean “Copy the contents of that security guard’s ACCESS-ALL AREA pass from 15 feet with a passive reader/replicator”.

5A. Exemptions: Nil.

6. Prohibited Activity: Karoke. It’s a weapon of mass destruction in my hands. My singing isn’t just flat, it’s flatlined, I’m tone deaf and I have no ability to keep to linear time. Plus, since I don’t drink, I’m always too sober to do pub karoke. No matter what certain people said.

6A. Exemption: Spoken word recitals. REVOKED. There was an incident.

6B. Exemption: The Muppet Show Theme song

6C. Exemption: Driving Redbird if, and only if, accompanied by an authorised representative of the Trebuchet List.

6D. Clarification: This now extends to all video games that have singing as a component (eg Rockband, Guitar Hero, Voice of the Damned).

7.Prohibited Object (Class): Any item on sale in a hardware store catalogue at a discounted price. It’s always pleasing to see my friends pick up a hardware catalogue and systematically eliminate items from it on the grounds that we agree I probably shouldn’t own it. Just because I looked at the leaf vacuum with attached bag and wondered about converting it into a NERF Flamethrower is no reason to believe I shouldn’t be trusted with the contents of hardware stores. Okay, so maybe it is a good reason for me not to trust me with welding equipment, ladders, screwdrivers, torque wrenches and a large amount of pre cut lumber.

7A. Exemption: Zombie emergencies

7B. Exemption: Actual household repairs. Supervised access to the hardware store or a very specific list. Very specific. Very very specific, including exclusions related to ropes, pulleys, precut lumber and counterweights

9. Prohibited Object (Class): Utility belts. If the device needs to be readily accessible in such a manner that isn’t covered by carrying it in a pocket or satchel, there’s really no legitimate reason for me to own the device, and definitely no reason to own the storage container for such device.

9.A. Exemption: Handbags, backpacks and satchels exempted.

9.B. Clarification: Holsters count as utility belts. I do not need to be carrying my iPod or Blackberry in a shoulder hostler, hip holster, or quick draw mechanism.

9.C. Exemption: Wrist straps, wrist watches, scabbards or quivers.

9.D. Exemption: Waist coats, vests and fob watch chains.

9.E. Exemption: Nerf matches. For the duration of the match, pre-match, and immediate post-match period.

13.B. Clarification: I survived the rise of Image Comics back in the 1990s, with the anti-hero costumes that consisted of a large number of pouches, leg pouches, belt pouches, bandoleer with pouches, a domino mask, ultra tight lycra costumes and oversized guns. Hence why I prohibit me from owning any such component parts on the off chance that my inoculation against anti-hero activity can’t survive direct contact with pouch generators.

14. Prohibited Object (Class): Fireworks. It’s all fun and games until someone repurposes the 4th of July gear into something far more problematic for the free world. I mean, seriously, fireworks combine science, chemistry, shiny things and explosives into a single problem solving device. Frankly it’s a miracle I’m still allowing myself access to fire to be honest.

14.A. Exemption: Signal flares (Team Fortress).

14.B. Exemption: Signal flares (Sinking ships, but only if I wasn’t responsible for the ship starting to sink in the first place.).

14.C. Exemption: Sparklers. Any volume.

15. Prohibited Object (Class): Children. I have no desire to breed simply because I carry a bunch of corrupted genetic code that really needs to be put out of the human race (those allergies that can wipe me out would be passed onto my children. Given what I went through, I could not honestly do that to another human, let alone one I’m supposed to like, protect and raise). With that in mind, since I don’t want my own kids, I figure I should just add children to the Trebechut list since I’m really not the kind of person who should be allowed to raise kids. If nothing else, the fact I planned to name children “Alpha”, “Beta” and “Gold Release Candidate” “Child98″, “Child2K, ChildXP and ChildVista (No ChildME. I’m cruel, not malevolent) means I shouldn’t have children anywhere near me during their formative coding process errr childhood years.

15.B. Clarification: I have only signed one “No profit” contract relating to the raising of a third party child. This child is covered by that contract, and not part of this rule.

15.C. Clarification: This includes temporary custody of children for a duration which could be described in lay terms as “babysitting”.

15.D. Clarification: This includes the temporary or permanent transfer of a child, or multiple children, to my guardianship. I see what you have planned, Disney heat warming tale, and I have the decency to prevent it in advance.

15.E. Expansion: Primary and Secondary school teaching. You’ve seen what I can do the mind of an adult over 13 weeks of lectures. Now imagine daily access to the formative processes of the youth. See?

16. Prohibited Object: West Wing (DVD or the US Government). It’s for the best that I don’t let myself watch the political soap opera. Apart from being one of the fastest possible ways to make me cry, it’s also going to be held in reserve for the moment that I’ve committed myself to the path of active political campaigning once again. Then I mainline it before I go out and live it.

16.A. Sunset clause: Upon coming out of political retirement, West Wing is removed from the Trebuchet list immediately.

16.B. Clarification: Condition “Coming out of political retirement” is met only if I have received preselection for a Senate, Federal, State or Local election.

16.C. Clarification: It gets watch once, length to length, and then after that, I am not allowed to quote from it during major speeches. Nor are my script writers and speech writers allowed to use it.

17. Prohibited Object (Class): Remote controlled animals. Up to and including any form of radio controlled spiders, raptors, furred, feathered or winged creature. Especially any remote controlled spiders or any animal for which there are named phobias that are known to the general public and/or which feature in movie titles

17.A Exemption: Excludes hippogryphs. Damn it.

17.B Exemption: Any fish controlled whilst using telepathy.

17.C. Dragons (trained)

17.D. Clarification: This covers remote control based devices exclusively. Highly trained animals are not on the list.

18. Prohibited Object (Class/Activity): Card games and tricks including but not limited to shuffling, throwing, sharking, flourishes, scaling, poker and blackjack.

18.C. Exemption: Fantasy Poker, particularly the series I’ve been developing.

18.D. Exemption: Live Action Role Playing resolution devices. I may carry upwards of two full decks of cards for the period immediately prior, immediately after or during a LARP event to facilitate the resolution of in-game conflicts.

18.E. Clarification: I am to have the cards confiscated immediately if I start throwing them, charging them with psychokinetic energy or generally acquiring an inexplicable Bayou accent.

18.F. Exemption: Tarot cards. Fortune favors the predicted

18.G. Operational Exclusion: For the period of 2012, card throwing is within the legitimate use category. This is subject to review in 2013 for extension.

19. Prohibited Object (Payment Schemes): Demon pacts, or related deals with devil(s) up to and including buying, leasing, renting or reselling souls.

19.A. Exemption: I’m allowed to sign contracts of service, work for hire, and consultancy agreements as long as I’m paid in cash or direct deposit.

19.B. Clarification: I may no longer accept souls of the damned as currency. They can use Paypal like anyone else thank you very much.

19.C. Clarification: Despite recent changes to the PayPal terms of service, they don’t actually take the souls of the damned as credit.

19.D. Expansion: Cthulhu or related old ones. No summoning ineffable horrors of the deep.

19.E. Expansion: No longer permitted to attempt to domesticate any religious icon, deity or ineffable ethereal being

19.F. Expansion: No longer permitted to attempt to domesticate any sacrilegious icon, deity or ineffable ethereal being

19.G. Clarification: Also not permitted to succeed in domesticating and house training anything covered by 19.E. and 19.F.

20. Prohibited Object: Portraits that have the functional capacity to replicate the Dorian Gray Experiment.

20.A. Exemption: Flickr.

20.B. Exemption: Instagram.

20.C. Clarification: Staff photos are permitted.

21. Prohibited Object: Submarines. Conventional, nuclear or yellow.

21A. Exemption: Empire Earth or equivalent RTS (also, damn you Lord Riffington for invoking that rule during a match).

21B. Exemption: Rockband: The Beatles.

22. Prohibited Object (Class): Science fiction technologies that could reasonably turn to science fact. This clause exists to preempt any such incident that couldn’t be stopped by time travel, or which makes the script writers for Dr Who, Torchwood or the SyFy channel shudder with fear.

22.A. Exemption: see Exemption 11.B.

22.B. Inclusion: Jet packs

22.C. Specification: Rocket packs which are not incorporated into an Iron Man or Warmachine suit.

22.D. Inclusion: Mechs (20 tons to 90 tons). If I can steal an Atlas, I can keep it.

22.E. Specification: Gundams (All)

22.F. Specification: Giant metal robots (Other). Klaatu Barada Nikto are not words that I need to say as a form of instruction, nor as a means to command a tin man.

22.G. Exemption: Sonic screwdrivers.

22.H. Exemption: Augmentations, up to and including replacement limbs and organs for the parts I’ve broken or worn out along the way.

22.i. iExempt: Devices generated from Cupertino

23. Prohibited Object (Class): Planes, space ships, space shuttles, including most forms of star fighters, fighter jets, conventional fighter jets, or anything that would cause any member of the Air Force hierarchy to suddenly break into a cold sweat at the mention of my name and that technology in the same sentence.

23.A. Exemption: A-Wings (Models)

23.B. Exemption: UAV drones may be exempted if I’m working on cash or contract basis. Ban still applies for recreational use. When do I ever do recreational use?

23.C. Exemption: Remote control helicopters (unarmed)

23.D. Clarification: Unarmed means not having weapons or cameras, or the capacity to accidentally acquire weapons or cameras through magnets or duct-tape

23.E. Exemption: Legitimate use clause: Remote UAV or equivalent equipped with a camera for the purposes of recording Nerf event, sporting events, civil unrest or journalistic outcomes up to and including posting to YouTube as a citizen journalist.

23.F. Exemption: Legitimate use clause: Training in the use of acquired equipment for the purposes of 23.E

23.G. Exemption: See 1.E.: The “Lord Riffington Exemption”

24. Prohibited Object (Class): Ships of the line including those that do water travel, space travel and land travel. Especially the ones that do land, sea and air travel whilst retaining a fundamentally boat like complexion. This includes hot air balloons, barrage balloons, party balloons, up to and including zepplins. Particularly zepplins. This includes any form of capital ships, including the USS Enterprise, Battlestar Galactica, Shadow Fleet, Star Destroyers.

24A. Exemption: Rebel Blockade Runners. We’ve all got our weaknesses.

24B. Exemption: Vehicle Voltron. The one true Voltron, ruler of all Voltrons, and the one not being bastardised in film format thank you very much.

24.D. Clarification: Single red balloon may be retained as a souvenir just to prove the world was here.

24.E. Exemption: See 1.E.: The “Lord Riffington Exemption”

25. Prohibited Object (Class): Single handed or dual handed bladed, energy or forestry weapons with an ancestry in science fiction video games or movies. List includes active and functional light sabers, chainsaws (any), axes, two handed swords, maces, polearms, or anything that makes a zzzthzzzz noises when moved through the air.

25B. Exemption: Permitted to operate bladed or pointed weapons of French, Celtic or European origins for sporting, recreational or hobby purposes.

25C. Exemption: Permitted to own for display and educational purposes any form of bladed weapon of Chinese, Japanese, Thai or Korean origin.

25D. Clarification: The term “educational purposes” can include brief instruction as to how much these things can really hurt if used to cudgel someone in a blunt force trauma incident. I may not sharpen these devices for the purposes of making a bad pun about cutting edge education technology.

25E: Exemption: Scythes. (Rule 32A)

25F: Exemption: Legitimate use clause: Any foam based weapon may be retained for use in Nerf or LARP related combat activity.

25G: Exemption: Legitimate use clause: Jugger.

25H. Exemption: See 1.E.: The “Lord Riffington Exemption”

26. Prohibited Object (Class): Nuclear and/or Nucklear technology. Seriously, if I can’t trust me with a trebuchet, why on earth would I let me have a nuclear warhead?

26A. Clarification: This includes anything with the words “Portable” and “Thermonuclear” associated with it, or could conceivably result in the UN Weapons Inspection Teams needing to check my diary for my availability.

26.B. Exemption: Nil. Video Games.

26.C. Exemption: Legitimate Use Clause: Nuking somewhere from orbit because it’s the only way to be sure.

26.D. Exemption: See also the The Lord Riffington Exemption (1.C.)

27. Prohibited Object (Event/Item/Thing): Temporal anomaly (singular), third party produced temporal distortions, time travel, assisted time travel, time traveling devices built into pop cultural devices, police boxes, sports cars, or any form of time travel that requires some form of clock motif, metaphor or messing about with a time piece which could result in a temporal loop.

28B. Exemption: Finishing other people’s sentences and/or answering questions before they have been asked (See 28D).

28C. Exemption: Controlling aquatic creatures.

28.D. Exemption: Proactively answering student questions before they’ve asked them, or while they’re thinking about them. Sometimes you just know from experience, other times you just know because nobody teaches basic shielding in high school anymore.

30. Prohibited Activity: Teleportation (personal). *BAMF* *BAMF**BAMF**BAMF* *BAMF* *BAMF*. Okay, fair point. I know I’d end up in a tree somewhere, wondering how to get out of this one, this time.

30AExemption: If the public transport is replaced with teleportation, I’m allowed to catch the ‘transporter to work.

31. Prohibited Activity: No longer permitted to dress as Gandalf, and stand on any university bridge, raised walkway or narrow path and shout “YOU CANNOT PASS” and “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” at students

31A Exemption: In the course of normal teaching duties, I am permitted to instruct students in the ways in which they could fail an assessment item

31B Exemption: I am permitted to use the phrase when a student has no mathematical possibility of reaching 50% based on the remaining assessment items. In said circumstances, I am not allowed to use the wizard robes

32. Prohibited Activity: I may not refer to academic gown as a “Wizard hat and robes”

32A Addendum: I may not bring a quarter staff, wizard staff, scythe, or similar device to the graduation ceremony.

32B: Unless I’m the Mace Bearer for the ceremony. In which case, the mace will be issued by the university, and is to be returned to them in the same condition as it was issued – clean, undented, and unused in combat.

32.C. Exemption: I can upgrade my academic hat with a superior hat technology upon acquisition of additional PhD qualifications.

33. Prohibited Object (Class): Any device that can only be activated by “The Chosen One” or similar limited range of individuals as foretold through complicated stories, history, philosophy or other devices.

33A. Clarification:If the device is known only to be able to activated by a “Chosen one”, I am also not permitted to do the choosing on behalf of the device.

33B. Exemption: Class quests

33C. Exemption: User ID and password activated systems.

34. Prohibited Object (Class): Musicals.

34.A. Exemption: Nil

34.B. Clarification: I am not permitted to own and/or operate a musical. This includes the commissioning, writing, production or starring in an musical which is about me, my life, or the list.

34.C. Declaration of Conflict: Musical numbers tend to spontaneous happen around me, and that’s just a force of nature to be dealt with as appropriate. (As appropriate does not usually involve fire).

35. Prohibited Object (Class): Ballerinas (current and/or former)

35.A. Exemption: Nil. It’s never ended well so far, why continue the research? I’m capable of evolving. Continue the research.

35.B. Clarification: Must have attained qualification to teach ballet, have taught ballet, or being a professional ballerina. Merely having been tortured in the name of tutus and pointwork doesn’t qualify for the exclusion zone.

35.C. Clarification: I know way too many ex ballerinas.

35.D. Clarification: “Have”. Numerous items of the list do not include people, and can be considered in terms of possession and ownership. For the parameter “have” in context of human ballerinas, this includes the hiring of them as staff, security, body guards or combat operatives (I know my Jean Claude Van Damme history. ). Contextual use of ”have” is in the context of “I have a mate in the trade” rather than “I own a person”.

36.A. Clarification:Liquid latex used for the purposes of equipment repairs or repainting objects for Team Fortress II cosplay purposes.

36.B. Exemption: If needed to be used by others on me because of copious bleeding. The point of the list is to keep me out of trouble that could badly injure me, and not to limit injury recovery devices.

36.C. Exemption: If needed to be used on others by me because of copious bleeding.

37.Prohibited Object (Class): Liquid Nitrogen

37.A. Clarification:This includes any canisters of Nitro9 I may or may not be carrying.

37.C. Exemption (Partial): I am allowed near Liquid Nitrogen when being misused for good intention and ice cream making.

38. Prohibited Object (Class): Mechanized Animals: Any form of animal with internal combustion engines, including by not limited Mechanical Chickens, Steam Based Rhinoceros, or any contraption ordered through the internet which arrives in the form of a V8 engine incorporated into by a grizzly bear suit.

40.A. Exemption: Partial time based exemption equivalent to the time it takes to Select All – Apply font change when attacked by a rogue Word, Powerpoint or other document containing the prohibited font.

42. Prohibited Object: The Answer and/or the Question. Either and definitely both. No way am I to be trusted with that particularly piece of data and/or query string.

42.A: Exemption: 6 x 9

43. Prohibited Object (class): Any device specifically commissioned for the propulsion of any aquatic animal by any means.

43.A. Specification: Squid dispenser utilising gravitational launch mechanism for the purposes of attacking someone with a flying squid are the reason this rule exists, so they’re definitely on the list.

43.B. Clarification: Penguins do not count for the purpose of this list.

44. Prohibited Object (genre):Plans for World Domination:

44.A. Exemption: Consultancy, contract work or work for hire projects.

44.B. Exemption: Conquering of Europe. Everyone needs a hobby.

44.C. Clarification: Just because I never intend on going through with any scheme for conquering the world due to appropriate levels of laziness and a deep dislike of paperwork doesn’t mean I should let myself randomly generate plans for conquering the world. Particularly not since I write strategy books in my spare time, and I apply the S.M.A.R.T. principles to the draft notes for taking over the world. Specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timetabled are not words most people want to hear in the same context as “World domination” and “$tephen”.

44.D. Clarification: The perpetual item :”Invade [$European_Nation]” on my To Do list does not count as world domination. That’s a very specific country domination.

45.A. Clarification: I am pretty damn awesome thank you kindly, and I know it. Oh yeah do I know it.

45.B. Clarification: And frankly, I love it.

45.C. Clarification: If I didn’t think I was something pretty damn good, do you think I’d need a list of prohibited things like this one? Hell no. This list exists because I am so confident in my own ability to create mayhem that I’ve put limits on myself knowing full well that I can out-awesome anything on this planet without any of the items on this list should it be necessary. For I am me, and I rock this casbah at Sharif-disapproved levels. (Note: See note 74)

45.D: Exemption: Mediation courses where internal visualisations may be of an individual for whom you hold uncategorical love, high levels of esteem, or approach near worship levels of devotion. I mean, c’mon, there, like there was someone else I’d have in mind?

46.B. Exclusion: I may pray to myself to seek my own intervention into my own affairs.

46.C. Clarification: I may no longer claim credit for certain outcomes even if they are deemed to be my fault by general consensus of people who’d know it was my doing. I prefer not to brag about it..

46.D. Exemption: See 45.D.

46.E. Clarification to 46.B: I am not permit to construct temples, altars or other objects that could facilitate 46.B

46.F. Exclusion: In the event of discovering of someone else forming a religion that would be restricted by Item 46 and its sub parts, I am not obligated to persuade them not to follow their own teachings.

46.G.. Inclusion: I may not heavily hint, suggest, encourage or otherwise facilitate 46.F

46.H. Clarification: Merely appearing in people’s dreams does not constitute a holy vision.

46.I. Clarification: Actively heading over to someone else’s dreams with instructions to act in a manner that would facilitate 46.G, 46.F. or 46.E. is now expressly prohibited. Also, put that damn spinning top away.

47. Prohibited Object (class): Any form of remotely detonated animal, or animal which could be converted an improvised explosive device.

48.A. Exemption: Preemptive actual surgery as proscribed by real doctor or other state recognised medically qualified staff that involves some form of preventative or proactive recognised medical procedural covered by my medical insurance.

50. Prohibited Object Robotic bears. Some days even I amaze me when I find #trebuchetlist notes with excessively cool but fundamentally bad for everything including the bear type of ideas. Robotic Bear Overlords would be fabulous, but really, when am I ever going to have a legitimate reason to visit Canada?

50.A. Clarification: See also #38

51. Prohibited Object (Class): Third Party Applied Magnetic Powers. I mean, magnets. How do they work? Answer: Very well thank you. Great employees, and really prompt and punctual

69.A. Specification: If even I’m reconsidering, I definitely should not..

69.B. Clarification: “Oh I know I shouldn’t…: and “Oh, just this once” are also indicators that a pre-emptive no is in order

69.C. Clarification: There was never that one time at band camp.

70.Prohibited Object (class): God Games, Life Simulators, and any virtual pet that has a risk of fatality from user intent or user neglect.

70.A. Expansion: Tamagotchis. Just because I taped down the punishment button to see what happened next is no reason to believe I’d do anything untoward to the new models.

70.B. Expansion: Pokemon. See Tamagotchis. What’s the point of being nice to a fighting animal that’s going to die in a small red ball?

70.X. Expansion: Any form of Furby. Which was annoying, because I’d already ordered my Frankenfurby science kit before all of my patients victims were liberated from my possession

70.D. Expansion: The Sims. Just because the first one was murdered by an enraged neighbour doesn’t mean the next few hundred would die by that particular method. There are other means to wipe out whole suburbs of the pesky critters.

71. Prohibited Object (location): The Entire City of Leon, French Lyon and anyone by the name of Leon

74. Prohibited Conduct (activity): No longer permitted to rock the casbar with or without approval.

74.A. I really shouldn’t wail.

75. Prohibited Object: Pre-emptive couch acquisition

75.A. Clarification: Couches purchased for the express purpose of having somewhere to sleep as part of preparation for something I probably shouldn’t be doing in the first place since I know it’s going to get me exiled to the couch.

76. Prohibited Object (Class): Named rings. Rings that have an ability that require catchphrases to activate

76.A. Extension: Rings with latin engraving, elvish runes (the car owns that one), or need to be set on fire to unlock the passwords (seriously, not cool).

76.D. Extension to 76.C. No longer permitted to create complicated multi-level power ring structure with sub divisions of powers, and complicated contractual arrangements that result in eternal soul binding of ring owners.

76.E. Exclusion: May continue to enhance or enchant rings through embedded stress energy management. It’s still better than the alternatives.

77. Prohibited Object (Object): Big Red Reset Buttons

77.A. Clarification: I have a propensity to make those sort of gag props work.

78.A. Note: On this plane of reality, we mostly agree to respect the right of the Laws of Physics to have dominion over perpetual energy.

78.B. Exclusion: No requirement to actually adhere to the Laws of Physics.

79. Prohibited Conduct (activity): No longer permitted to design exams on survival of the fittest principles

79.A. Clarification: Exams are to remain solo processes, and may not be group based activity, nor elimination based activity.

79.B. Clarification: No longer permitted to design an exam based on the rule set for Battle Royale, Hunger Games or equivalent last-person-standing environment event. Even if I did work out how to make it non fatal.

79.D. Extension: May not design an exam to operate under Royal Rumble rule sets. Over the top rope elimination is not a valid exam answer.

79.E. Clarification: May not allow students to vote for options 79.A. to 79.D and claim “It wasn’t my doing”

80. Prohibited Event (category): The Singularity.

80.A. Purely Coincidental: No longer permitted to intern at CERN or the LHC or CSIRO or equivalent science faculties

81.. Prohibited Object (limited use): Only permitted to own and operate superglue according to the manual, or within a range of parameters known as “appropriate use”

81.A. Clarification: Gluing other staff to presentation lecterns is not appropriate use of super glue.

81.A. Extension: Item 81.A. still applies in the event of a request from anyone else.

82.Prohibited Activity (Implications): May no longer imply that I have psychic powers, telepathy or tele-empathy.

82.A.: This is an extension of Item 46, and Item 28

82.B: Clarification: This does not prevent telepathic events, telempathy or similar manipulations of reality to pass messages over TCP/Psyche. It just stops me from being able to hint that I can do it in a manner that unnerves people around me.

83.C. Extension: May not claim to have tele-apathy (the ability to remove motivation from the minds of others) or teleapocathery (ability to smell like a herbalist store in the minds of others) or teleolfactory (the ability to invoke aromas in someone else’s sense of smell by projected thought)

83A: Explanation: knowing Psychology doesn’t make you a master of mind control, but knowing psychology on top of knowing consumer behaviour, advertising, management theory and education theory is just getting too close to overload.

83.B. “Crossing the streams Rule”: The trebuchet list shall be invoked as a mechanism to prohibit a potential signal overload in a knowledge base area. Basically, someone has to get a hobby outside his core thought set on “How do people’s minds work?” before he gets to the point that he puts his own thinking on manual.

84A: Not permitted to watch the Dr Who series after spending way too much time driving London Double Decker buses the plot holes

84.b. Also not permitted to use knowledge of temporal continuity routing errors to bypass plot limitations

85. Prohibited Activity (Thought Exercises): No longer permitted to create thought scenarios to sidestep the established rules of a genre, literary convention or established TV show myth arc.

85.A. Exemption: Still allowed to figure out how to kill every cinematic villain / monster / evil of the week encountered as long as I’m polite, professional and efficient about it.

86. Prohibited Conduct (Hypothetical): No longer allowed to try to scout out the parameters of the Trebuchet list by “asking for a friend” or confirming that “in a hypothetical situation…” something is permissible

87. Prohibited Conduct (Training): No longer allowed to teach the Assassin’s Creed as an assessment item.

87.A. Clarification: Turns out somethings are true, and other things are non permitted according to Academic Assessment Board.

88. Prohibited Activity (J’Accuse): Not permitted to accuse the Academic Assessment Board of being Templars.

88.A. Even if they are.

89. Prohibited Activity (action): No longer permitted to insist that my staff photo be covered on the school website or physical bulletin board on the grounds that “Seeing my own image would cause me to age tremendously immediately”

89.A. See related rule 20.C.

90. Prohibited Activity (Research and Development): Less permitted than usual than to create giant death machines shaped like cuddly teddy bears

90.A. Clarification: AMV Hell is not a design catalog.

90.B. Extension: Any giant death machine has to look neutral to menacing. It’s only fair to the rest of the Death Machine Industry

91. Prohibited Activity (consumption): May not use chais, teas or flavoured powders as snuff

91.A. Clarification: T2 is not a drug store. I am also not a cowboy.

91.b. Permitted use: Am still allowed to asses chais, teas or flavoured powders by sniff test. Said sniff may not involve inhaling for more than a canonically measured minute.

91.c. Clarification: Parameter “Minute” 59-61 seconds. Not the minutes as measured by the Atomic Clock.

92. Prohibited Activity (Research and Development): May no longer design, brew or otherwise form into creation any spiced vodka infusions, witches brew or cocktails which threatens the ongoing existence of the time space continuum.

92.C. Extension: May not commercially acquire vodka with related capacity

92.D. Go home reality, you are about to have been being drunk.

93.Prohibited Activity (object): Printable bacon

93.A.. Clarification: Bacon that can be produced from a 3D printer. All other shaping of bacon is perfectly fine.

93.B. Explanation: 3D printing technology which can use powder rather than solids for the source material resulted in me considering very carefully the prospect of bacon power, printed bacon, and how long it would take for my sodium levels to reach critical bacon infused mass.

94.A. Clarification: Upgrading any part of a household appliance with military technology

94.B. Extension: No longer allowed to assemble household appliances without supervision. “But it shipped with these parts” is apparently not a legitimate answer either.

94.C. Extension: Upgrading anything using left over scraps scrounged from junkyards with contracts to dispose of excess military hardware. I am not a member of the SwatKatz.

94.D. Clarification: Junkyard Wars is a television show produced under controlled environmental conditions, and they have never produced a recipe book.

95. Prohibited object (outfit): May not use lion onesies as LARP costumes.

95.A. Clarification: Actually, may not use onesies in general. Society needs not the terror

95.B. Clarification: It’s just fine for other people in my life to use them, wear them, and generally do whatever one does in a onesie.

96. Prohibited object (specific): Not permitted to own an fuel based soldering pen on the grounds that trying to sign a document successfully with flame will happen at a moment that can’t be captured and uploaded to YouTube

99.A. Clarification: Based on the principle of Disney princess abilities, may not longer conduct research into the upper limits of fictional princesses and their woodland creature control ability. What began as a conversation over my relative success as a Disney Princess, Villain in a Disney Princess Movie or a Disney Princess who was a villain sort of mutated over the course the day.

99.C. Note: Conversion was done on a pound for pound exchange, as 1000 pounds of elk was deemed equivalent to 500 2lb squirrels. This was calculated on average maximum weights of various animals, but was also assumed to be a level cap – for example, you could conceivably control 200lb of mice and 600lb of wolf, but realistically, you’d probably be limited to say a single species at a time. So it’s a large elk, or divisible units of cute woodland creatures down to “BRING THE PLAGUE” with the mice protocol.

99.D. Addendum: That would be a lot of mice. You’d have a cheese craving for weeks.

100. Prohibited Activity (seasonal, June 1). May no more.

100. A. Exemption: May 32nd.

100. B. Sure, not on your calendars, but hey, I’ve got the ticket to the 13/13/13 party, and thou art not invited to that one, unidimensional MORTAL.

100.C. Season pass to 13/13/13.

101. Prohibited object (volume): May not posses a significantly large volume of Dalmatians