What Your American Girl Doll Said About You

If you had a Felicity doll:
You had red hair. Or you wanted red hair and were really excited when you got old enough to start coloring it from boxed Feria hair dye. Anyhow, you probably struggled a lot in your youth with being caught between childhood and becoming a young lady. You probably felt guilty about your boobs, but also kind of liked them. You wanted to go out for the basketball team but you also wanted to wear petticoats and bonnets. As you got a bit older, you realized you could kind of do both, and once you figured that out, you became the 4th grade boss bitch. NO TEA PLEASE INDEED MOTHERFUCKERS!
::drops mic::

If you had a Samantha doll:You were not rich, but desperately wanted others to think you were rich. So for years, when you got off the bus, you’d always walk slowly towards the big, fancy house on the block until the bus drove off, and then you’d turn around and go to your actual home, which was never good enough for you. It was just that you were refined from a young age — taking an interest in things like sushi, fencing, and playing the harp — and you felt that your surroundings didn’t match. Certainly there was a rich Grandmary somewhere in the family who could save you from this lowbrow hell? Alas, no. Luckily, you mainly kept this fantasy to yourself, so you were still well-liked, and even popular in school. Like Samantha, you didn’t discriminate when it came to your friends, so even if certain girls weren’t quite “on your level,” you still hung out with them. As a young girl, you had grand career ambitions, and it’s not that you don’t now, it’s just that you’re not quite aiming to be the first female U.S. president or the Greatest Female Painter Who Ever Lived. Fashion blogging, PR, or arts administration will do just fine.

If you had a Molly doll:
You had glasses and were probably misunderstood because you weren’t the Regina George of your class and you didn’t try to be her, either. It wasn’t that you were a tomboy, but you would rather piss in your Victory Garden than wear anything pink. You had an extremely active mind as a young girl and you didn’t need things like video games or TV to keep you entertained — instead, you collected weird things (sands from around the world? Bottle caps? Ketchup packets?), DIY-ed stuff, took a dance class that WASN’T ballet (because ewwwughhh) and cut bitches on the lacrosse field. Basically, you probably turned out way better than your classmates.

If you had an Addy doll:
You were a voracious reader, a good student, and one of those people who looks back at school and doesn’t feel like it was all bad. (That’s a pretty good accomplishment.) You probably ended up going to Vassar and majoring in something awesome like Women’s Studies. Of course, because Addy escaped slavery, freedom and independence were very important to you as a young girl: You probably didn’t mind playing alone (especially when you had an Addy doll, hello) and tended to wander off in the mall or the supermarket, causing your mother to have frequent meltdowns. While you’re tight with your family, you did and maybe still do have trust issues. But you definitely trust yourself, so when it comes to risks, you’ll follow your gut instincts. If you had to be on a reality competition with all the other American Girl dolls, you’d win, hands-down. Samantha would lose. And she wouldn’t even be invited on Dancing With the Stars.

If you had a Kirsten doll:
You were a late bloomer — as a girl you felt like a fucking alien living in Alienville, and you were reserved and shy. But once you did bloom, Jesus Christ. You maybe grew up a bit too fast (not fast in, like, a sexy way, but in a serious way). You became a perfectionist and you always wanted to be right. Sometimes, you would make things harder for yourself than they actually needed to be, because Kirsten was growing up on the goddamned prairie, which probably bit the big one for her. But for you: I dunno, pet oxen seem kind of cool. Now you probably have very cool and modern tastes and relocating to Sweden (Stockholm, baby) is something you’d definitely do.