Hardly Working / Zero Dark Thirty Bros

Script

Hardly Working: Zero Dark Thirty Bros

By Patrick Cassels

INT. OFFICE (BY THE ELEVATORS)
PAT, JOSH and MURPH step off the elevator. Pat is holding a
half-eaten bag of popcorn. Murph is finishing a soda.
PAT
Aw man, "Zero Dark Thrity" was the
witch's dick, yo!
JOSH
When they flew those dope choppers
into bin Laden's compound?! It was
like Modern Warfare 2, without that
German kid calling me a homo over
Xbox live.
PAT
The one thing I didn't get is why
those prisoners in the beginning
bitched out and gave up their Al
Queda homeboys.
JOSH
Uh, because they were being
waterboarded, dumbass!
Murph loudly SLURPS his soda and, without even thinking,
HUCKS the ice-filled cup to the ground really hard. It's
senseless destruction.
INT. OFFICE (ELSEWHERE 1) -- CONTINUED
They turn the corner, still in conversation.
PAT
That's waterboarding? What's the
big flipping deal? If I was a
prisoner of the CIA, and I was
being baterwoarded [sic], I'd just
hold my breath.
MURPH
Come on, dude.
PAT
I would! I can hold my breath for a
crazy long time. Watch.
Pat takes a deep breath, holds it for a split-second, and
IMMEDIATELY GASPS FOR AIR.
PAT
K, I can't do it while you scrotes
are watching me, but trust me I'd
be fine. The CIA would probably be
so impressed they'd straight-up
recruit my ass.
JOSH
Okay, is that why, that why, that
last time we went to Splash Down
your dumb ass got water up your
nose and you got a sinus infection?
Murph and Josh BURST OUT LAUGHING. Josh NUT TAPS Pat and
exits with Murph. Pat drops his popcorn, and keels over.
INT. OFFICE (ELSEWHERE 2) - CONTINUOUS
Pat catches up, rubbing his balls.
PAT
(to Josh)
Besides, your lazy ass would
probably punk-out once they stopped
letting you sleep.
JOSH
Yeah, right! Sleep deprivation?
(mock fear)
Oh, you're gonna let me stay up as
late as I want? Wow. Uhhhh, thank
you, I guess?
MURPH
I dunno, dude. You'd probably get
maaaad sleepy after a few days.
JOSH
(gets up in Murph's face)
'Cept I wouldn't, 'cept I wouldn't,
because I'd just chug six Red
Bulls. I'd be Hulking the FUCK out
Dwhile all the other prisoners are
getting all cranky and junk.
PAT
Bunch of Tala-bitches!
MURPH
Dude! What about the loud music?
They'd be blasting Papa Roach and
driving you frickin' batty.
JOSH
Uhhhh, you mean the sick heavy
metal music?! I'd just rock out to
it all night until I won the
torture contest.
Josh & Pat HIGH FIVE.
INT. OFFICE (ELSEWHERE) -- CONTINUOUS
OWEN finishes putting some mustard on a sandwich. Josh
SMASHES the sandwich. The three continue walking.
MURPH
Well, while you two choades are
sweating your balls off in your
cells, I'd be escaping.
PAT
OHMIGOD! It's a maximum-security
CIA Black Site, you dingus!
MURPH
So the freak what? I'd just ask to
take a wiz. They're not gonna
follow me into the bathroom. It's
against the law. My dad's a lawyer.
JOSH
Uhhh, disbarred!
PAT
Really, why?
MURPH
He hit a kid with his car. Point
is, as soon as they're not looking
I'd just BOOK IT for the razor wire
and climb over. And you guys know I
can run. Remember when I outran the
security guard at Jamesway?
JOSH
He caught up to you.
MURPH
But still that shithead was super
winded.
INT. OFFICE (BY THEIR DESKS) -- CONTINUOUS
They enter and arrive by Pat's desk.
PAT
Uh, K, you're SOMEHOW over the
razor wire. But then you're still
in the middle of Guantamabo [sic]
Bay! How are you gonna get home?
MURPH
My brother could pick you up. He
just bought a used Toyota Echo.
Only 300 thousand miles on it.
PAT
DUDE! THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!
Pat and Murph get into a pathetic slap fight.
JOSH
Guys, cut it out! Let's just unwind
and light some firecrackers down by
Stock Exchange.
MURPH/PAT
Good idea./Very smart.
HARD CUT TO:
INT. CIA BLACK SITE -- SAUDI ARABIA -- DAYS LATER
The three bros are on their knees, NAKED, in a dusty
interrogation room. A CIA INTERROGATOR is punching PAT.
PAT
I swear I'll tell you anything.
Just keep me away from that
frickin' puddle!
JOSH
I swear, it was these two assholes'
ideas, sir! I REALLY need a nap.
MURPH
I'm making a run for it!
Murph gets up and runs. He is IMMEDIATELY tackled by two
guards who beat the shit out of him.
MURPH
I'm soooo slow!
END.