BREAKING NEWS: Ed Miliband Reveals HUGE Tongue

Folowing months of speculation about the agendas of the Labour Party’s would-be leaders, Ed Miliband has revealed that he has a considerably bigger tongue than his brother and Labour leadership opponent, David.

In a speech directed at Unison and Labour Party members, Mr Miliband unnowingly spat towards the camera repeatedly, as he set out his vision for the United Kingdom under a David Milibandless Government, adding that David also has singificantly less-fluffy hair and is in fact shorter, adding: “SPleughhr bleuurr-prettier wife…gerblurba-NULABOUR…”

David Miliband has declined to comment but in a defiant declaration, stated: “at least I don’t have upside down girly-eyes, like Andy” in a reference to fellow Labour Leadership opponent, Andy Burnham.

For fear of being branded “racial”, all prospective Labour leaders have avioded mentioning ancient waxy-faced pimp of Michael portillo, and fellow X-Factor contestant, Dianne Abbot – who is black.