Venting

Ok so I've been physically and emotionally abused by my parents, as far as I can remember the first time was when I was 3 or 4 & stabbed with a fork. Molested and raped by my family growing up and by a guy who I thought was my friend. Never had any friends in school, always was made fun of because I was quiet. My parents never let me out of the house anyway as a teenager. Then finally got someone who I thought was nice to me and listened and protected me, my father's friend who is 32 years older then me. Fell in love, had to hide it until I was 18. Little did I know he took complete advantage of me, cheating the whole time, didn't know until I got pregnant with his kid at almost 19. Gave birth to my son and at 2 days old, he almost died in my arms. Turns out he has a very rare disease that effects 1 in 50,000 people. Now the most I can go is 4 hours without him eating or his blood sugar drops to dangerously low levels and could die. He needs to take very expensive medicine to stay alive and I'm getting very tired after 3 years of waking up every 3-4 hours but it has to be done. Shortly after I had my son I gained 70 lbs because of hypothyroidism and the weight just won't come off. I've discovered I have a breast deformity also. I've always had low self esteem and body image problems and now it's worse then ever. Guys always told me I was pretty but that was a big lie, never was pretty, never will be. Now I'm in college, trying to get in the dental hygiene program & having a hard time with anatomy & physiology 2. I'm so close to getting an associates degree in individual studies, I only have like 3 more classes to go but I just feel like I'm going brain dead and can't retain any information. When I started college I had a 4.0 but now it has dropped and I can't seem to get above a B anymore. And of course, I definitely don't feel I belong in college. On top of everything else I'm a sex addict and masturbate A LOT, like until I bleed and I just can't stop. I've even sold my body a few times before I had my son, couldn't believe anyone would pay for it, must have been real desperate. Now I'm messing with guys I find very unattractive and it disturbs me. Whatever I probably deserve everything I've gone through and going through anyway, but my son didn't deserve what he went through, which bothers me tremendously.

You were dealt a real shitty hand, but I can see what a wonderful person you are by how much you care for your son. When he gets old enough he will be able to keep check of his diabetes himself.
You should check if one of those ugly guys you mess with has a soul? You know just because a person is not attractive doesn't mean you can't have a prolific partnership. Society trys to brainwash you about how romantic and physically based relationships are supposed to be, but the reality is that in order to make it through life, it typically helps to find a help-mate who is kind and decent to you, regardless of appearance and its lack of fairy tale passion.
As far as the masterbating, Cast this crap out of your life, I used to think I was unable to stop and read a book on demonic influence and how it enters through lust and pornography. I learned about self-deliverance (book was "Pigs in the Parlor"). Afterward I was able to resist the temptation quite easily compared to being a "slave" to my addiction. Hope this helps.

Thank you for your kind words, it is much appreciated. My son does not have diabetes though, he has something called congenital hyperinsulinism. It is like the opposite of diabetes, his sugar goes low. Unfortunately, not a lot of people have heard of it and I'm trying to raise awareness of this disease so parents would not have to go through the horrors I did and worse, this obviously affects the child. With blood sugar levels being so low, the brain is robbed of the sugar the brain needs to function. This can cause permanent brain damage. I just think everyone needs to know about it because I was reading a study once that was saying that congenital abnormalities such as congenital hyperinsulinism may be the cause of SIDS. Thank you for the info on the book, I will be checking around for it.