They say: “I don’t think anyone really understands how this is going to work.”
They mean: “I don’t understand how this works.”

They say: “A boy in my class was looking at naked girls on one of the computers.”
They mean: “I typed ‘naked girls’ into Google and the filter caught it, so I need a cover story in case the technician looks into it.”

They say “If you can help me out with this, I will be eternally grateful.”
They mean: “I will be grateful for about ten minutes.”

They say: “I’m trying to crop this picture but it isn’t working.”
They mean: “I have absolutely no idea how to crop pictures that aren’t on my phone.”

They say: “I’m concerned about what other people think about this.”
They mean: “I don’t like this.”

They say: “None of my class are getting sound out of their headphones.”
They mean: “Two of my class are not getting sound, I haven’t checked the others.”

They say: “I think we might find the laptop keyboard a bit small.”
They mean: “I want a more expensive laptop with a bigger screen.”

It’s a common complaint in school IT support departments that they are treated as general dogs-bodies there to help with any electrical appliance at all. VCRs, kettles, microwaves, desk lamps… the saying goes that “if it has a plug on it, it must be IT”.

Today set a new low for that sentiment, when I was asked to supply new AA batteries for an electric pencil sharpener.

It’s quite commonly accepted that being able to use a computer is an important part of many professional jobs these days, including being a teacher at a modern school.

It’s certainly important at our school.

So when you walk in to your first day’s IT induction and declare “I’m not very good with computers,” you’re basically walking in on your first day and proclaiming to your new employer “I’m not very good at an important part of the job you’ve hired me for.”

Windows 8.1 has arrived, and with it we herald the triumphant return of the Start button. My response to the complaints over its absence in Windows 8 was simply “press the one on the keyboard”, but as I pondered how that response has gone down with users over the last year, I came to a realisation.

There are 3 basic types of computer users:

Those who never noticed that almost every keyboard they have used for at least the last 10 years has a Windows key on it.

Those who have wondered for 10 years what that key on the keyboard does.

When I tell you not to copy photos of children from the residential trip onto your personal laptop, it’s not just because there is a school policy forbidding it.

It’s not just to protect you from unwarranted accusations of impropriety regarding the photos of children you are storing.

And it’s not just because it’s a breach of the Data Protection Act 1998.

It’s also because your personal computer is a MacBook, and every time I have to spend an hour unpicking the vague error messages that iPhoto spits out when trying to export those photos, it makes me want to smash that MacBook over your head repeatedly.

A few weeks ago while installing replacement workstations, I came across a ‘pair’ of speakers that didn’t work properly. The ‘pair’ were in fact two completely different speakers that happened to have compatible interconnects. They needed a 15V power supply, but had a 9V one. The 9V power supply plug was held in with blue-tack because it didn’t fit properly.