Sunday, September 25, 2016

Did Trump Really Say That?

By F. Russell GrummanITITY Senior Political Correspondent

This article originally appeared in the West
Palm Beach Shuffleboard Gazette. It is reprinted here with their generous permission.

Despite Dr. Oddball Bornstein of the Lennox Hill Home for the
Incurably Conceited shamelessly stating that Donald J. Trump is the healthiest
70-year-old junk food junkie he’s ever seen, the candidate’s performance during
the primaries had all the symptoms of an outraged fanatic unable to stop his
short-circuiting neural pathways from interrupting his rambling improvisations
with synaptic sparks of psychotic self-delusion.

Taking a page out of his Wharton School of Casino Management
senior thesis, The Art of the Bait and Switch, Trump’s new ego masseuse and
conspiracy nut wrangler Kellyanne Conway promised the would-be
narcissist-in-chief would soon pivot to a more “general election” demeanor.

Surreptitiously procured by the Donald J. Trump Personally
Profitable Nonprofit Foundation, which also purchased an edition of Presidential
Campaigning for Dummies autographed by “Pitchfork” Ben Tillman, the candidate’s
speeches are now cobbled together for him using the same copy of Politically
Incorrect Mad Libs employed by Strom Thurmond to articulate his opinions on
race relations.

The presentation may look different, but it’s still the same repulsive
message delivered to the same deplorable mob, only now read from a pair of teleprompters
with the halting awkwardness of a heavily sedated orangutan struggling to keep
up with a leisurely played game of ping pong.