Begging The Universe

I woke this morning,
begging the universe to erase
this truth from my
now open eyes,
so the stone heavy ache
in my heart would be lifted
as I struggle to breathe.

I was denied that relief,
and shown two paths instead,
because the universe knows better than I
what I need to see.

Another crossroads,
my soul sighed in anguish,
when my life is already
brim-full of life altering choices.

Do I move on the path
of a new journey
alone without you?
Do I take the lessons
and gifts I’ve received,
no matter how hard
came the learning,
and let them guide and uphold me
alone?

Or do I stay on this ride,
which, as it turns out,
you weren’t both feet on,
hoping you’ll join me fully.
That ride had so many
beautiful possibilities
you and I may not find
with another.

I am trying to resist a path chosen
based on roughness ahead.
I am hoping, too
that I have enough grace remaining
to allow space
for your own heart’s decision
to get on or get off.

Regardless my crossroad choice,
it will not be meanwhile easy.
I am not sure I want to go without you.
I am not sure I can hang on.
I am only sure of one thing;
I will no longer hang onto our ride alone.

Now I wake to me
begging the universe instead
to help me see the journey’s end
so I choose from crossroads
based not on where the stones lie now
but on where I want to be
breathing ache-free again.

And the ache is part of life, part of growth, I had a particularly bad spell from 2000 through 2003 and then again 2005 through 2008….7 deaths, including my dog, my brother , my mom, my dad and my 19 year old nephew, a loss of my job…..a loss of my partner…..I could barely get through it and indeed I did need professional help which I sought out. All is better now, but my heat still aches for the loss of family members and my doggie, but the loss of my 11 year partner..(he left me) did go away and finally dissolved altogether. You will be richer for this ache CJ…..

Breathe, concentrate on your breathe, it soothes us. You know this. I am sorry you ache. I am sorry for what has caused you to ache. The universe does know what we truly want and our thoughts of what we want manifest from there into what we want. Unfortunately the ache usually preceeds the manifestation but ultimately is what leads us to what we want. You have a lot of people who obviously care for you a great deal, I have become one of them. Your smile makes us smile. Breathe and smile dear sweet one. Breathe and smile…..