Married and Dating part 1

Talk about a double Life

Through a few conversations with complete strangers wanting to get things off of their chest I keep finding out how truth is truly stranger than fiction. I was talking with this married guy who wanted to share with me that he had been married for a number of years to his lovely wife. There was just one catch to this share fest, he was having sex with his neighbor. His neighbor was a former Marine that he couldn't help but gush over. As I listened to the husband talk about how they would meet up secretly for drinks why his wife was working or at home made me wonder did he have a conscience at all. Never the one to judge but merely suggest or ask, I asked the husband was he truly happy with the former Marine or was this a fling?

Right away he told me that it was a fling, he thinks. Being that the husband didn't tell anyone his secret he couldn't think passed his own pleasures. So my question didn't throw him off it just made him think for a bit. The husband told me that the sex was amazing and when he is with his wife he actually feels like he is cheating on his boyfriend. I stepped in again asking the husband if he truly feels this way about his new found love then why keep it a secret? The husband relayed to me that it would destroy his wife if she ever found out. Then I said to him why engage in a relationship while being married?

Impulses tend to take over The husband admitted to me that once upon a time he was in love with his wife but now it pains him to be with her physically. Personally after listening to the husband talk I thought maybe his love wasn't as strong as he thought it was when he got married. Especially under the circumstances of how he is now sleeping with a man. Maybe he got married for all of the wrong reasons and denying himself caused an acting out reaction. This couple doesn't have any children so that was a plus just in case this marriage ends in divorce the kids wouldn't have to go through that horrible situation. He didn't mention if he was in love with his boyfriend or falling in love. All he did was talk about the enticing energy that his boyfriend has over him.

Hearing this personal scenario I wondered where is the love. True, people fall in and out of love all of the time but real love stands through the test of time. The stranger implied to me that his situation was more of a lust thang. Sometimes we get caught up with other people when we are involved with someone else. But if you don't handle the situation right you could lose more than you bargained. The husband not being true to himself risks hurting his wife who he said cares for him deeply. Passion has over ruled his actions and he thinks that love is what keeps him from telling her the truth. I had to let the stranger know that love is all bearing, all knowing, never hiding what you feel or who you are inside. Truth is he was being selfish by carrying on an affair without considering how it would affect his wife.

Consequences

Yes, he is aware that it will destroy her but that didn't stop him from dating while being married. Giving into his selfishness might just come back around to bite him on the ass. This behavior which is in all of us doesn't go away, we just learn how not to give into it. Some of us are better at recognizing what is important instead of going with the flow all of the time. Since marriage is a so-called equal partnership the husband risks losing his home and maybe part of his income. Whatever they acquired through the marriage can be fair game and cause him to bear a few hardships. I asked him was the relationship worth it?

The man couldn't give me an answer because he didn't know why he was risking ruining his life as well as his wife's life for a nice fling. Not making too many assumptions on the friendly stranger I told him to keep in mind that if this is a fling for him then what is it for the Marine. Meaning is the Marine risking just as much to be with him sexually or intimately. From what he told me the Marine lives by himself with no children but he has a large family. Other than that he didn't know too much about the man. This fling was getting more and more obvious in my opinion of being no more than a fling. The guy needs to make a decision before he gets caught and it is made for him. The temptation is so great since the two lovebirds live a few houses away from one another.

Reflecting

The saying maybe old but it rings in truth. Treat people like you want to be treated or it may come back on you. Whenever the husband decides to stop staring in his own soap opera he could easily end up cancelled from the show. He can't take back what he has done so now he has to face it and I don't think he is ready. I didn't let him know but I felt sorry for his wife. Sometimes when you are doing wrong your mate could be doing wrong as well. Then again your mate may not be doing wrong but the guilt eats away at you because thoughts come into your mind that are not true. Such as the husband could think that his wife is cheating to justify why he is stepping out on her.

When he does come down from that lust cloud it seems like it is going to be pure hell. He is too busy being a willing participant in his drama to realize that this could have a lasting affect on any relationship that he enters in from now on, if the couple goes there separate ways. On the other hand if they work it out and stay together the trust is broken with a possible lifetime of repairing the damage.

Just a thought

Think before you act and if you have to hide something maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Don't feel ashamed because we all fall short that is nothing new. But the real test is how we survive during and after it's all over.

Comments

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sending

Robert E Smith 2 years agofrom Rochester, New York

I see several things here to mention The husband and wife are in a covenant relationship. That is more than just a promise before family and friends. It is more than just a contract on paper. It is a forever change in a single individual to be "one flesh" with the spouse.

When a man betrays his wife he betrays himself. When he has sex with another (man or woman) it is sin. He sins against God and against his own flesh.

It is very true, there will be lasting consequences. More than the obvious risks he is taking (that of STD's, every generation of such viruses gets more and more dangerous to the promiscuous person).

He will carry around this action that will begin to weigh on him. When other matters of trust happen between his wife and he, for example, if she in her ignorance makes a statement such as, "I trust you. I don't know what I would do if I had no one to trust." The human heart is made to hurt its owner at such statements in the face of guilt.

The guilt sometimes masquerades as other feelings such as anger or nervousness or reluctance at closeness. Which the wife will feel even if she doesn't actually know what is happening.

The lack of feeling for her in view of his growing hunger for the homosexual experience he has with the man will make itself known with increasing pressure. He will give subtle hints to her even if he never tells her about his growing appetite for another man's presence. He may even request some games to satisfy new urges for things like similar penetration or sensations.

As a Christian, this is so distasteful a subject for me. Marriage betrayal, illicit passion, guilt-less (or at least attempted guiltless) lust, continuing lies and dishonesty; all these are so destructive and all to feed the flesh which will betray the sinner in the end and obstruct his eternal reward at the end of his life. No adulterer will enter the kingdom of God.

I have had family that this kind of deception occurred. It was very painful for the whole family as a result.

Another lingering truth is secrets can't stay secrets forever. The longer it goes on the greater the chances that someone else sees and is effected in some way or maybe even uses the situation against the husband.

I voted up and interesting. I would have wished this to have a disturbing button to push when I voted but I will settle for interesting because it made me think and feel emotion I was not expecting. Bob.

dashingscorpio 2 years ago

Cheating is one thing but to deny one's natural sexual orientation was not only cheating on his wife but cheating himself out of the freedom to be who he really is. If he had a fling with another woman it's possible he could end it and focus on his marriage. However since he is attracted to a man there is no way his wife is going to suddenly grow a penis. His urge for what the marine has to offer him is completely different from what his wife could ever offer.

The goal for most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side. Cheaters generally are not looking to replace one relationship with another.

He said: "when he is with his wife he actually feels like he is cheating on his boyfriend." And then he says; "It's a fling" but later he states he was "in love with his boyfriend or falling in love". This reveals where his heart is.

Whether he calls it a "fling" or "the love of his life" the reality is he's a gay man living a heterosexual lie! Essentially he's on the "down low".

He is also putting his wife at a higher risk of contracting HIV.

In the long run he'll be happier ending his marriage and coming out the closet. His wife would also be better off with heterosexual male.

It's enough for a woman to feel the need to compete with her own gender but it's impossible for her to compete with the opposite gender.