Monday, July 25, 2011

Chicks With Dicks

Due to anybody who joins the Facebook group being able to suggest an article for the blog, reader Jim simply proposed "Chicks With Dicks."

At first, I thought maybe I would be all clever and just post pictures of women with people named Richard. Get it...Chicks with Dicks. Yeah, it's semi-clever, but not funny, so I decided I would scrap that idea.

Then I realized another thing, I'm not googling "Chicks With Dicks." I'm not just terrified of seeing something I can't unsee, but I'm terrified of learning things I can't unlearn.

But then I remembered something about a much younger version of Hott Joe. A Hott Joe that had just moved from the Midwest to the big city. Not just any big city, Seattle, Washington.

Seattle is a city known for a few things; it rains a lot, it's very pretty, and there is a high concentration of homosexuals. It was summer, so the skies were clear. It was pretty, but I didn't go exploring the lakes and mountains by myself. But I did learn about one of the three as on my first full day in the city, I was definitely introduced to the homosexuals.

I decided to venture down to the Seattle Center, because I would be working near there and it's got the Space Needle and a bunch of other shit down there. Since it was a beautiful day (and I didn't have a car out there), I decided I'd walk the three miles to get down there. Everything was hunky-dory as I strolled around the city looking around at the buildings and noting where the local Hooters was. Getting to my destination was easy, just go towards the Space Needle, but things got strange as I got closer to the Seattle Center. I started seeing things. Things a guy from Iowa is not used to seeing.

There were scantily clad ladies all around. I remember seeing an abundance of these three things, fishnet, leather, and boas. But these whorish broads were not the ladies that I was used to seeing in the Midwest. These were big broads. And yeah, sure we have some cornfed ladies where I come from, but these bitches were built like linebackers.

Then I saw one of their faces.

These were not women at all. Just a bunch of dudes out to have a good time by dressing like ladies. These were chicks with dicks.

Did I mention I'm from Iowa? Not only had I never seen a transvestite, I literally didn't think that transvestites existed in the daytime. I thought I was just as likely to see a vampire as a transvestite during the day. It turns out, in Seattle, that's not the case, as they're out there, showing their Pride.

At first, I was frozen with shock. After the shock wore off, I realized that I didn't know what was going on, but I sure as hell wasn't going to stick around to find out.

I decided to put my head down and get out of there...I quickly learned that this was a bad decision as I was looking at things that I did not want to look at. This was a valuable lesson to learn. For Christ's sake, do not look down. When surrounded by chicks with dicks, make as much eye contact as possible, not only will you avoid seeing dude-pieces, but it will show the trannies that you have no fear. They respect that.

Although shaken, I made it through. During my first week of work, I told my co-workers of my adventure and learned that the Seattle Center is not always like that, but I had marched through and possibly with a gay pride parade.

Still, if there is just one thing you learn from this Chicks With Dicks post, let it be this...

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