There are only so many words that can be said about "The Bachelorette" on a weekly basis, but when there are two episodes in a week, that number rises. It's just science.

Tonight, there will be basketball. There will be crocodile tears. There will be ugly pants #pantsapreneurproblems. There better be more Chris Soules, the sole surviving Iowan still competing for Andi's love.

Since Chris is an Iowan (from Lamont, or Arlington, depending on how you like your Iowa small towns), I'm putting a call out to you: Do you know Chris? Can we talk? What's his favorite brand of gym socks and/or hair gel? Email me at sdose@dmreg.com if you have leads.

Watch the video recap of Sunday's episode

'Bachelorette' Andi and J.J. dress up like elderly people to see what they could look like as an old married couple. There's also major man drama at the house.

Real time 7:37: You guys, I melted a cooler in my oven tonight and am behind. Will "The Bachelorette" wait for me? Yes, because I have Tivo. The rest will be presented as TV time.

7:10: A lot of guys are starting "to grow on" Andi, which concerns me. Cody's skin-tone-to-hair-color ratio and hairstyle in general is also concerning. Dylan, the guy I've completely forgotten about, has the first one-on-one date. They head out on the Essex steam train, and Dylan calls it "amazing" and "nuts" and considering some of these bachelor dates include helicopters and Vegas trips, Dylan needs to know he got the short end of the stick.

Dylan talks about his 8-year relationship that ended when he was a senior in college. Dude, when you were a freshman in high school, it doesn't count. That segues into talk of his brother's death, and then they get real quiet and awkward. My brother died. Silence. Oh, look at the view!

7:23: At dinner, Dylan plans to tell his story. You know the one. The one that will tug at Andi's heartstrings and draw out the tears. Dylan is reserved, for sure, but it makes him come off as sort of rude. Then it begins: Dylan's story is that his sister died from a drug overdose. His brother took it hard, also used drugs, and died just a few months ago. This story is making me and my husband cleaning up the melted cooler seem like a rockin' first date. To Andi's credit, she sheds real tears for the story and is it time for them to make out yet? Andi rewards Dylan coming on the show despite two terrible deaths in his family with a rose. After not touching either of their dinners, Andi has one more surprise and Dylan says this is now one of the happier moments of his life.

I hate to disappoint you, but the surprise is that they get to blow the train whistle.

7:37: Group date time and Andi demonstrates some truly abhorrent shot form when the guys jog in in their workout gear (beanie, flannel button-down and sweats for JJ). Josh, a Fathead sticker with no sticky on the head, claims he likes when a girl can get "all dirty," and I take it playing basketball is super not feminine for him. He also recognizes the WNBA players that come in, which is more than I can say for myself. The ladies take on, and fully demolish, the guys.

Shock of shocks, the guys split up into teams and play each other and the winning team gets to go out on a date with Andi. I don't know why the guys are shocked, this happens every season.

Brian, Nick, Cody, Andrew, Eric and Marquel are one team and Chris, Josh, JJ, Tasos, Patrick are the other team. No one really cares, but it's 6-6 at halftime? I'd rather watch a junior high girls tournament.

7:46: The second half is pathetic, and the team of six beats the other team. That means Chris has to go home with no real time with Andi, again.

8:01: Andi takes the Rosebud team to a restaurant in the hotel in New England, and the outfits are more confusing than ever. There are guys in wool coats, scarves, hats and sweaters, and Andi in a short sleeveless dress. Andi is a vampire.

Her first one-on-one time is with Eric, who accuses Andi of the dates feeling fake and formal. At this point, I feel sad about Eric, and I know that he's too good for this show. He talks about leaving the Mormon faith and Andi thinks they've cleared the air. Not sure about that.

Next is Brian, who is focused on showing Andi that he's good at basketball. He does that totally condescending thing where he teaches her how to shoot a layup and overcompliments her when she makes it. LAME. Andi admits she has a weird fantasy about getting it on with her basketball coach and, those are things she should keep to herself. After he makes a half-court shot, he is stupid and does not kiss her. Poor dude, but he does get the group date rose.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, Nick gropes Andi's legs and butt as they make out on a love seat. Andi says Nick just "sees her," which makes me believe Nick is probably a serial killer. He sleeps and dreams Andi. He will make her flesh a currency that he can trade on an underground market.

8:14: One-on-one date with Marcus. The date card said "The sky's the limit," and we've officially reached the climbing/bungeeing/fear factor date. Andi acts like it was her idea, that she wanted to "face her fears" with Marcus. Time to rappel down a building! Next comes 10 minutes of complaining and whining about the date activity, and I'm exhausted watching them. Andi freaks out and Marcus says he needs to "be the man" and a bunch of other sexist junk. But he does talk her through it, and keeps talking to her about her mom and real life while going down. Andi said she wanted Marcus to be protective, and that he "passed the test." Way to perpetuate the damsel-in-distress stereotype, Andi.

8:25: The most boring "Bachelorette" episode ever continues at dinner at the Griswold Inn, where they do not eat the food in front of them. Marcus gets the rose, and the two continue on to a concert by John Pardi, a guy who I've never heard of. Yay.

8:38: The next day, Andi is casually sipping coffee in her hotel room when she gets a special letter delivered to her, from her secret admirer. Because this is junior high. It's rose ceremony night, and Marquel has his glasses on, so things just feel right. I was promised a meltdown, and I want it now. NOW.

Tasos asks for private time and it's boring. 'Put yourself out there.' 'Be true to who I am." blah blah blah

Brian steps in and while he already has a rose, he didn't get to shove his tongue down Andi's throat on a basketball court. Now is the time for Brian to right that wrong.

Marquel gets some time next, with his bowtie and glasses. He requests a headlock instead of a kiss and Marquel, you are doing it wrong.

Eric interrupts, and things might get weird. He says he thinks Andi isn't open, is just kind of a facade, is a TV actress.

Fighting words.

8:48: Andi is clearly annoyed, angry that Eric called her a poker face. She shuts down, mad that Eric is expressing how he feels, calling her out, and begins crying. Eric tries to back-pedal, but Andi is done. In my opinion, Andi is wrong -- unable to take Eric's opinion to heart and instead concentrating on how he is not falling at her feet, so Eric says goodbye. Then she goes on to make a sanctimonious speech to the rest of the guys, basically airing out what was a personal conversation and talking smack about Eric. He may look like a Ken Doll, but Eric is all man. TEAM ERIC.

9:00: I refuse to recap the portion where Chris Harrison and Andi talk about Eric's death.