K-Fed's Music Suffers, Lindsay's Foreign Lovers

How has the world changed in the last week since Namibia became the hottest new vacation spot and “fire crotch,” “manny” and “piloh sh*tt” have creeped their way into our lexicon? Waters have been breaking across the big, bad celebrity world — from Angelina Jolie’s to Gwen Stefani’s — and so have relationships — from Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz to Ryan Reynolds and Alanis Morissette. Here’s a gander at some of the other nonsensical goings on in the land of make believe.

britney’s ongoing drama

Britney Spears is adding the finishing touches to her “trailer park chic” makeover. Pregnant with her second child at just 24 years old, the Britster is slowly headed down the lonesome path of single motherhood.

In Touch magazine reports that she’s shipped K-Fed to the basement and started redecorating the mansion, replacing the black leather furniture with a pink, lace and feathers motif.

Apparently, the new “boudoir” look is affecting Kevin’s music; he can’t concentrate in a place that looks like “some high-school chick’s bedroom.” That’s right, there’s no need to worry about your pregnant wife, your son, the state of your marriage, or the new hired man who spends every living second with the one-time hottest girl in the world; worry about your “music” instead, you serious artist, you.

Kevin, people can’t go around blaming inanimate objects for their lack of talent. Now let’s say this together: “I was a failure before the wife redecorated.” Who am I kidding? We all know this dispute is going to end in some kind of televised dance-off.

lindsay’s fire crotch

Brandon Davis (the genius billionaire who made “fire crotch” a part of mainstream conversation in high schools across America) has a delusional grandma. While rocking out at Kenny G’s birthday party, Grandma Davis was overheard boasting to guests that Brandon took Lindsay Lohan out to dinner last weekend.

Of course, Lindsay’s reps rushed to the damage-control forefront, releasing this not-so-effective statement:

"Lindsay took the high road and accepted Brandon's apology last week, but they are not dating and they did not go to dinner together. Lindsay is dating several men who live overseas."

Translation: Dinner with Brandon Davis? No way! Lindsay’s way too busy playing international super slut to have dinner with Brandon.

I’m having visions of a bikini-clad fire crotch frolicking on the beach with a hairy, 40-year-old Mediterranean man named Dimitrios with an unbuttoned white linen shirt and a long, twirling moustache.

The statement just wasn’t necessary to begin with; I didn’t need confirmation to know the two aren’t shacking up. Seeing the words “dinner” and “Lindsay” in the same sentence pretty much gave away any validity to Granny’s story.