My history of messing up…

I just found out this past Monday that I was officially hired as a Clinical Case Manager at a not-for-profit agency in Tampa, FL. I have been searching and applying for this type of position for over 2 years…finally, score!!!

I am so thrilled. I am even more so scared…

I have a history of messing up, as we all probably do to some extent. But, most of my mess-ups have occured as a result of this NOT Eating to Live… My eating disorder has gotten the best of me in the past. That is an understatement. I have missed work at various jobs due to “bad days/nights”, I have previously dropped out of graduate school because of the unrelenting feeling of hypocrisy my disordered eating made me feel, I have pushed friends and sorority sisters away, I pushed away my long-time ex-boyfriend that I will call BBW from now on… I have pushed away and messed up and failed and lost and spent way too much money (binge/purge eating disorders are seriously expensive sometimes…!).

A full-time “big-girl” job… scary…

I have worked in the restaurant business for almost 7 years. I could serve tables and tend bar with my eyes closed… I can put on a facade for my customers with little to no effort. I could have a bad day or week for that matter, and no one would ever need or could ever be close enough to know. This makes me think of the movie, Waiting; I think of the part of the movie where the semi-psycho girl waitress curses her customers, job & basically her whole life as she walks into the kitchen and a few seconds later comes out smiling and cheery to her customers (cannot even recall her name, but if you’ve seen it, you’ll know…!). This is a tad-bit exaggerated, but, yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. I can hate the world around me and inside me, but I can put on a smile for the few seconds it takes to take an order, make a lame joke or act a sweetheart to “connect” to my table. I’d say I am usually liked & I almost always give excellent service. Sometimes I make a good tip. The customers ALWAYS get up and leave & 98% of the time, I will never see them and they will never see me again. The work is nothing serious…it’s just food, coke products and cocktails. Nothing I do while serving tables will change lives (well, maybe once in a while…my next blog “Serving a table, changing a life” will explain my contradiction to that statement).

This job is so different. I am working extensively directly with people who need my assistance. I will be responsible for improving the lives in my case load. I no longer will be wearing the same pants and uniform t- on a daily basis. I will have to get up early and always look professionally acceptable by 7am. I will now have a weekend (praise, God). I will actually be able to say, yay, TGIF! I will be getting paid bi-weekly instead of in inconsistently ranging 5-15-20-50-100% cash tips. I will have benefits (once again, Praise God!…health insurance, yessss!!!) All-in-all, a complete 180degree turn from the life of a server.

I am SO excited I could cry, and I have. I am so scared I could cry, and I have…

I really hope I don’t mess up…no, I really hope she doesn’t… I really hope I don’t let her get the best of me…