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Alisa: Life is more than just gossip mother. Judith: That's absurd, whoever told you that should be shot. Gossip is publicity and publicity is life.

Alisa: I need you to show your respect today, whatever it takes. Judith: Respect? I never loved your father, what sort of respect could you possibly expect from me? Alisa: I know you loved him. Judith: [laughs] Divorcing him and taking half his money was the best thing that ever happened to me. His dying was the second.

Mandy: This better be good. Alisa: The pastries aren't here yet. Mandy: You dragged me away from the man who could very well be my future ex-husband to tell me your god-damned pastries aren't here yet?

Mandy: The bakery completely fucked up your order. Alisa: What? Mandy: Don't ask, I was too busy yelling at that asshole to listen to what he was saying. Alisa: Oh shit, shit. What am I going to do? Mandy: They should be here in half an hour with a similar order. I threatened to go over and kick some ass if I wasn't happy.

Judith: You look upset. Alisa: How many drinks did it take for you, Mother, to start caring about how I feel?

Judith: Look how you talk to me, is it any wonder we never get along? Alisa: I think it's difficult for you to get along with anybody. Judith: For your information, Drake and I get along just fine. Alisa: Of course you do. Both of you have the same taste in men.

Alisa: My life is turning into an episode of Jerry Springer and I don't know what to do about it.

Alisa: What would I do without you Constance? Constance: You'd live in a pigsty, that's what.