SomedayMature

It still hurts and I feel like I don’t know why. It’s been six months since you hurt me. Sometimes it just wells back up like destruction on the edge of havoc all over my veins and all over my heart, little pieces strewn across my world aching to be found and put back together again and that feels so cliché and disgustingly meant for the silver screens like there is no part of me left to put myself back together again oh god I need someone to fix me and rescue me from whatever tower I’ve built for myself like I’m some missing fucking princess too precious too weak too little too much and everything in-between like I’ve got to rely on someone else like I’m too broken these days like I’m too terrified of what the future holds that I’m so desperate to insure SOMETHING for myself something true something honest something that is nothing like every dream every nightmare that I’ve ever had that I’ll turn out the same and that I will be some monster dark on the world and bent on hatred and anger and desire to inflict the very same horrifying pain I went through that kind of terror should never be instilled on anyone and who am I to decide who deserves that kind of hell when I’m so god damn intent on this magical future this insurance that I will be different that we will be different that everything everything will be perfect and who the fuck is to say that’s true at all who can tell me what really lies ahead of course I have to make those choices myself of course that’s all up to me and the path lying up ahead like a fucking cobra sinking into my veins poison poison poison teeth on every turn and it should be so SIMPLE and it isn’t like every day I meet these people these people that are everything and more they’re all I’ve got left in a world where it’s DEMANDED that I’ll be different yet sprung onto my bones that I have to be this and that and these days it’s all I can take to pretend that I will be anything else when I feel like I’m failing and falling and desperately clinging onto the edge of this cliff with nothing down below but the jagged truth of something I ache to be and ache to belong and ache to be someone else. It’s never that easy and maybe that’s just what it takes to find what you need. Maybe someday I’ll have it figured out.

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