FA to pay for field trip to European finals for English managers to ‘watch and learn’

The FA have announced that they are to fund an educational outing for ten ‘top’ English managers to see how they might be able to represent England at the highest level in club football.

Although English teams will officially play exclusively in both the Europa League and the Champions League finals, they are actually foreign teams in disguise, only here to undermine Brexit and keep us in Europe.

In fact, if the same four starting 11s are selected in the finals as they were in the semi-finals, then 36 of the 44 players and no managers will be English and none of them at all could identify Bexhill-on-sea on a map.

It is thought that the managers will be flown out to watch how the foreign fellows do it, especially the way they get the players to kick the ball, score some goals and look smashing all at the same time.

A top contingent of bosses, led by Alan Pardew, Sam Allardyce and Steve McClaren, all luckily available without the hassle of work ties, will be given a pencil, a notepad and a drawing book. They only will be allowed out in groups of three or more and have to keep their mobiles on at all times.

On their return to the UK, they will be expected to talk to a classroom full of other English managers about all of the things that they have learned on their trip from the good managers, show off the drawings that they have done and explain how they are going to stop being so shit.

Greg Dyke, the FA chairman, told us today that he was excited by the news.

“It will do the boys the world of good to see some top level football and get some live experience.”

If the trip is successful, the Scottish and Welsh FAs are expected to follow suit, with the likes of Mark Hughes, David Moyes and Gordon Strachan likely to lead the way.

Steve shows all the qualities that a writer needs: likes coffee, great at procrastinating, easily distracted. He writes for a number of satirical websites, and for BBC Radio, and has had work performed in several venues across the North East. For a comedy writer, he really is quite a miserable git.