Friday, February 10, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A poll says Americans trust the Trump Administration more
than the news media. Apparently Trump’s fake news is more believable than the
fake news they see on TV.

Mississippi is considering bringing back the firing squad as
a method of execution. Or as they call that in Florida, the “Stand Your Ground”
law.

Mississippi is considering bringing back the firing squad as
a method of execution. They were using lethal injection but are worried that it
won’t be covered by Medicaid once Congress repeals Obamacare.

A study says most government workers could be replaced by
robots. More than that, the study showed most government workers could be
replaced by a can of tuna.

A study says most government workers could be replaced by
robots. Provided they can find robots that are willing to work a 4 hour day
that consists mostly of playing solitaire on their iPhone and watching Internet
porn.

A teenage boy in India cries tears of blood up to ten times
a day. To which Megyn Kelly says she has that easily beaten with where all the
blood comes out of her.

Scientists say the Orangutan’s alarm call may reveal the
origins of the first words in the human language. Which turns out to be when
Adam first saw Eve and said “How YOU doin’?”

Mental health professionals say there are signs of stress
from people following news and politics. The only good part is that people who
watch a White House press briefing on CNN only end up with fake stress.

Pope Francis I has revealed his secret for fighting stress.
Apparently it has to do with him being guaranteed to get into heaven even if he
starts firing off an AK-47 around St. Peter’s Basilica indiscriminately on all
the tourists.

A police standoff in New Hampshire started when a man told
his girlfriend her spaghetti dinner was “OK.” Which means the entire SWAT team
may be called out on Valentine’s Day when she finds out her boyfriend got her a
vacuum cleaner.

Aretha Franklin says she is calling it quits on her singing
career at the end of this year. Apparently she is ready to R-E-T-I-R-E.

Mariah Carey is reportedly struggling to sell tickets for
her upcoming tour. Although at least it isn’t anywhere near as bad as how she
was struggling to make it through her TV performance on New Year’s Eve.

Viacom is reportedly narrowing its cable focus as profits
have fallen. Although it’s hard for them to find places to make cuts,
especially when their budget for customer service is already at zero.

Scientists say that people could live to be 1,000 years old.
To which Larry King is saying “It’s already been done.”

Twitter posted their slowest revenue growth in four years.
Apparently people are tired of reading tweets all day waiting to see when
Donald Trump officially declares war on someone.

An orange alligator has appeared at a pond in South Carolina.
The reptile says that is the last time he tries a different flavor of Gatorade.

Mexico has arrested a businessman wanted in the U.S. for
money laundering. The word is he will be traded straight across for 1,000
domestic workers who will be sent into the U.S. to do some hotel laundering.

“Saturday Night Live” had its best season since 1994. To
which the show’s writers are saying how can you not have a great comedy show
with all the material delivered every day when you have presidents like Bill
Clinton and Donald Trump?

Adele Dunlap, the oldest American has died at age 114 in New
Jersey. She requested the traditional New Jersey funeral, with her body thrown
into the trunk of a black sedan and dumped into the East River.

A Georgia bill that would require people with ADHD to renew
their prescription every five days has been scrapped. Mostly because after ten
minutes the people with attention deficit problems forgot all about it anyway.

A report says that New York City and Los Angeles house 1 in
5 immigrants living illegally in the U.S. People were shocked at the news. How
can all those people just arriving in the country afford to live in New York
and L.A.?

A report says that New York City and Los Angeles house 1 in
5 immigrants living illegally in the U.S. Mostly because it’s not like anyone
from another country who is trying to not bring attention to themselves is
going to try to settle in Omaha.

President Trump’s counselor Kellyanne Conway has “been
counseled” for plugging Ivanka Trump’s products on TV.Things are getting out of control at the
White House. How bad is it when even the counselors have to be counseled?

Kellogg’s says there has been no discernible impact from a
boycott after pulling ads from alt-right website Brieitbart. Not for of any
political ideology, but because when people read some of the stories they
automatically got an urge for Froot Loops.

A survey says 60% of American workers complain about slow
Wi-Fi at the office. Mostly because when the Internet is taking too long to connect
they have no choice but to kill some time doing work.

A survey says 60% of American workers complain about slow
Wi-Fi at the office. Mostly for the fear of being caught by the boss when it
takes too much time for their computer to switch over from the Internet porn
they are watching.

A majority of Americans say this is a good time to find a
quality job. Which means that 7-Eleven, Wal-Mart and McDonald’s must all be
hiring.

A majority of Americans say this is a good time to find a
quality job. Now if they only had an education, motivation or an actual skill
they would get right on it.

A survey says a majority of Americans say this is a good
time to find a quality job. Which may be good news for the person replacing
them when they get fired for spending all day on the job taking part in
surveys.

A report says the latest high tech fitness trend is 3D body
scans at the gym. For people who can’t afford a gym membership, it can also be
done by mouthing off to a TSA guard while going through airport security.

A clinic in Ohio is being accused of falsely diagnosing 50
patients with Alzheimer’s Disease and dementia. They were caught when
authorities became suspicious when they noticed all the patients actually
remembered to pay their doctor’s bills.

A clinic in Ohio is being accused of falsely diagnosing 50
patients with Alzheimer’s Disease and dementia. The patients don’t want to
press charges. They say they are just happy to have their memories back.

Paris Jackson has reportedly called it quits with her boyfriend
Michael Snoddy. Apparently it had to do with his attitude. She thought he just
always seemed very Snoddy.

George Clooney and his wife Amal are reportedly expecting
twins. Apparently they thought it was a better idea to have twins after
deciding it wouldn’t be fair to put all those good looking and intelligent
genes into just one child.

Tom Jones is denying he is dating Priscilla Presley. Which
would hit the scandal pages if it were really true and it was still 1973.

Kylie Jenner is reportedly getting her own spin off show
from “The Kardashians.” There has been no definite date set for the premier,
but it should go on within two or three weeks following the release of her sex
tape.

Kylie Jenner is reportedly getting her own spin off show
from “The Kardashians.” As the good looking daughter of a celebrity who uses
the media to market products and make a fortune, this could hint at an eventual
run for President by Caitlyn Jenner.

The Oakland Raiders say they still have hope for a proposed stadium
even after losing a major financial backer. The project still needs $1.9
Billion which can still be made up with a pledge from the take of the Tuesday
breakfast Keno at Caesar’s.

New Atlanta Falcons offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian
says he is trying to resurrect his career that was derailed by alcoholism.
After Super Bowl 51, is he sure he is going to the right team that will keep
him from going back to the bottle?

Police have a new theory that Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl
jersey may be on the team’s truck headed back to Boston. The whole idea of
getting upset of a missing men’s top is lost on Channing Tatum who is asking
“What’s a shirt?”

Police have a new theory that Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl
jersey may be on the team’s truck headed back to Boston. Which is no big deal
to all the Atlanta Falcons fans who bet on their team and also came up losing
their shirts.

Bob Costas has passed the Olympic hosting torch to Mike
Tirico. When he officially made the announcement handing over the duties, there
wasn’t a pink eye in the house.

A survey says 80% of consumers are confused by Internet
speed claims. The only thing that most men know is that it is never fast enough
when it comes to downloading Internet porn.

A survey says 80% of consumers are confused by Internet
speed claims. The other 20% couldn’t respond to the survey in time because
their Internet provider is AOL.

A North Carolina wind farm has gone online despite
legislators claiming it is a national security threat. Along with the fact the
legislators are not getting paid for generating all the wind to make the
project possible in the first place.

Researchers say most people are optimistic about welcoming
robots into the workplace. Especially the ones who are smart enough to be able
to program the robots to do their job so they can continue to play solitaire
and watch Internet porn.

The chief information security officer in the White House
has been removed from his post. Apparently it was as easy as pressing
Control+Alt+Delete.

The chief information security officer in the White House
has been removed from his post. The feeling was why is that position even
necessary as long as Donald Trump has access to his Twitter account?

A new dating app called Sapio matches people by their
intelligence. Which is about the same as people who used to say they read
Playboy for the articles.

A new dating app called Sapio matches people by their
intelligence. Which is just completely the opposite of Farmersonly.com.

A new dating app called Sapio matches people by their
intelligence. As opposed to most other dating apps that match people based on
their level of ego and narcissism.

A report says Mexico’s Foreign Minister visited the White
House and helped rewrite President Trump’s border wall speech. Which left White
House staffers with just one question. How did that guy get in here?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday. But I
am sure someone already alerted you to that fact. Time for a weekend, which for
the first time since August women will have the chance to spend Sunday doing
something other than getting out of the house to avoid their husbands draped
over the couch watching football for 14 straight hours. Even better, it means
baseball season can’t be that far away and the world will be good again. Except
for that whole White House thing that won’t go away. In the meantime, let’s
take a quick break and meet here again on Monday when I will have a fresh batch
of stale jokes. Actually I post Sunday if you want a head start. Just make sure
to tell your friends about the site and to also remember to always keep on
sending the love!