Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
5305

Blind Man in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he boarded the plane, he felt the seats and said: "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered: "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar in a nearby hotel. Upon arriving at the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed: "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied: "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied: "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the hotel swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting: "Don't flush! Don't flush!" Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
5306

Yuppie Farmer
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and told the proprietor he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor.
"I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.
"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied: "If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?" asked the proprietor.
"Yeah," replied the yuppie: "I think I planted that last batch too close together." Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
5307

How To Bathe A Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
5308

Sharing a Donkey
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame. He makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful it was to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and the donkey fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye. Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
5309

Deaf Debt Collector
A notorious mafia boss is looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that he is "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, he decides to use a deaf person for the job so that even if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He then gets greedy and decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia boss soon realizes that his collection is late and sends some of his hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the hoods drag the guy to an interpreter.
One of the hoods says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"
Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
5310

Grandma’s Alligator
One day, Grandma sent her grandson Peter down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.
"Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Grandma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," cried Peter: "There's a big ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Peter. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt anyone. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Peter, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
5311

Brave Captain Smith
One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue. Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast. The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.
Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.
The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle. He responded: "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."
The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery. About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Boys, bring me my brown pants!"
Ryan Murphy