Going Nowehere

Last one week and this week has been quite emotionally tiring. No one can escape from reality. We all have to face it. We may hide from it for a while, but unless we face the challenges, small or big, tiring or exciting, we never overcome these temporary challenges.

I can’t seem to overcome this dark shadow of feeling so helpless and feeling so downtrodden, as if I have lost all. I have lost myself in this whirlpool of different emotions. Once I went to an art exhibition when I was in middle school with my father. The artist painted emotions! Yes. He painted anger, love, hate, happiness… One thing I took from there is the circular-rough pattern of these painted emotions! Now when I feel too low, I feel a chunk of mixed emotions on my chest and it moves in circular motion.

I wish I could just lie down on my bed in the comfort of a warm blanket and watch TV all day long. I wish I had the privilege of not talking to anyone for at least a day. I don’t want to talk to myself too. I want the merry-go-round to stop. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted without having to worry about putting on more weight.

We scurry like little mice, in search of food, in search of a faithful partner, in search of happiness but where do we actually go? Nowhere. We fall into the same patterns of our behavior, same situations but different people and place, same emotions, same troubles, same thoughts, same boredom of familiarity, same excitement and same resentment.

I think we are jokers to our audience and the show is for free.

I want to go back to the sunflower field, that I passed everyday on my way to and from school. I want to sit there and see the sunflowers move their heads as the sun moved from east to west. I want a Spotless Mind. I want to finish writing a simple essay on COW, that my mom would dictate and as soon as I finish, I want to rush out to the garden and play with my dog and my imaginary friends. Climb up on a tree and sit there with my long lost childhood friend, rescue kittens and puppies from the street and bring home to keep them, only to return them back to the place from where we rescued them, run and fall, fight and not talk and become friends again. How easy was it to be friends again in childhood. How easy was it to forgive and be forgiven.

Scurry mice scurry, there is no time for all this non-sense, your audiences are waiting!