Wednesday, January 18, 2006

(ridiculously) bored

i should have made a point to blog when i was in dallas-when i had some resemblance of a life. here i'm at total loss of inspiration, of accounts; there isn't much and i don't do much, or see much or meet much...at all. i'm growing a baby, sure. it's awesome-i think i know where it's over sized little head is because the left side of my belly kinda pokes out more than the right, but overall the pregnancy is very non-eventful at this time. i wouldn't even know i was pregnant if wasn't for the fact i spent the last three months feeling like ass day in and day out, or that i haven't had a period in three months, and that my mother is constantly prying into my folic acid intake.

now that the wedding is over and the spontaneous throwing up has come to an end, i would love to get a job. yesterday i went to a flight attendant group interview but had to bail after realizing the job- in conjunction with becoming a new mom- were very incompatible. there isn't much opportunity here in southern oregon, especially if your post-high school education ended prematurely; but even if i had a bachelors degree i would be looking at the promise of $12 an hour, $15 at best. as my experience in the Office Place stands now i can hope to find something for $8 an hour-where as I need to make at least $11 to keep us afloat. i don't want to, i try not to, but i get discouraged, i become depressed, and i begin resenting this place. i'm not very good at masking my emotions, so jon inevitably sees and so hears my disdain; which, consequently, frustrates and irritates him.

i don't know what to do-we can't move until the tax situation is taken care of and there is enough cushion for such a move. now that a baby is on the way there are so many factors to take into consideration: you can't just leap without looking, everything has to be mapped, i's have to dotted and t's crossed; neighborhoods are taken into account, making sure health insurance will be provided is as important as making sure you have enough for gas for the trip.

i would very much like to throw my hands up in the air in defeat, pack-up, and move it on but now i'm stuck-i have no choice but to preserver through a situation i find seemingly hopeless. this maybe is the reason why i’m here because lord knows that when the going gets despondent, i sign out. it's a virtue i've never been able to master let alone accomplish. well, here goes nothing. literally. ;)