Hope through the dark places

Befriending Grief

One of my blog readers…a devoted runner and fellow griever…answers this question in today’s post. Here’s her story:

Blazing New Trails

Running on New Year’s Day is required for my wellbeing. This year, I decided to run the Tobacco Trail in Durham. It was a pleasant day with temperatures in the mid 50’s, a perfect day for Grief and me to put on our shorts and run. I grabbed my most recent CD of Sam music and raced out the door eager for a new running trail. Clouds filled the sky and a mist of rain covered my windshield. The Beatles were singing, “Here comes the sun” and the Five Stairsteps were telling me, “O-o-h child, things are going to get easier”. I am hoping this is all true, but Grief is still sitting next to me.

The trail is a dirt path covered in leaves with muddy spots; completely flat and surrounded by woods and creek beds. It is beautiful and serene. Grief said we need to run for an hour and let the memories flood our mind. Running through all the mud was difficult to maneuver, but so is life when you get stuck in a rut and need a friend to lift you up, pat you on the bottom and tell you to get moving. That was the way Sam encouraged me on a daily basis.

I stopped at the bridge to take off my jacket and catch my breath. Grief wanted to cry and hang out at the bridge, but NO! Sam would not approve of us stopping now…”keep running Jenny; you have to keep moving”. I thought of the times Sam appeared at my road races on his bike and would ride along side me with words of encouragement. How proud he was of me when I won my first trophy for finishing 2nd in my age group in a 10K race.

There were bikers, runners, and families walking along the trail. I met so many smiling faces and my heart grew warm. Sam was there with me smiling as I spoke to every one I saw. I stopped to check on a young boy who fell off his bike, and felt Sam’s presence even more. Helping strangers, encouraging children and being kind to others was something he always did.

I looked down to see three pine cones lined up perfectly and it reminded me of Sam on the driving range. He would line up the golf balls and hit them one after the other without hesitation. It was part of his routine there. I thought about how everywhere I look, I see Sam. He is in my thoughts constantly. I can see his expression, hear his voice and feel my heart warm to his touch.

Running the trail was a new adventure for me and Grief. We’ve been runnning together for almost five months now. At first it was horrible and I hated her presence, but in the past several weeks, I have welcomed her company. Grief understands my pain, loss, heartache and sadness. She runs with me daily and reminds me how far I”ve come in this journey. Grief will be with me forever and that’s okay. She is a reminder of a love that comes once in a lifetime, and how blessed I am to have found that love. She reminds me that Sam will live in my heart forever.

On the drive home, I thought of the New Year and my fear of leaving Sam behind in 2010. My fear is gone. I am blazing a new trail and he is still with me. He will stand beside me, hold my hand, watch over my shoulder and lie beside me at night. We will take this journey together and I will get stronger. Hope and Joy will become part of my running team, but Grief will not leave me. She is a part of my life and a welcomed running partner.

written by Jenny Lee, January 1, 2011.

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6 Responses

Jenny……. It has taken me a while to comment, but everyday I think about you and Sam and your journey……… What a difficult time for us all… but especially for you. Sam would be so proud of your strength……….. we all were blessed to know and love him, and amazingly his impact on those of us left is more proud profound than we could ever imagine……..He makes our heart smile and I will forever be grateful for that “character” becoming a part of our lives. xoxoxo

Thank you both for your comments. A fellow runner told me that running and writing are good ways to make space for my pain. I think that makes sense because otherwise where does the pain go. I am grateful for this site to share my grief and find comfort in those also going through a similiar journey.

"Words of wisdom from those who have had to walk through grief: be gracious/patient/forgiving when we forget appointments, change our minds at the last minute, don't return phone calls, act a lil' crazy."
Kelly Schleyer Powers

"You do not work through bereavement. It works through you."
Virginia Ironside,
'You'll Get Over It'-The Rage of Bereavement

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
Washington Irving

"I wish you would've told me," she said, "that losing you would be like losing my life."
...taken from author, Mary De Muth's novel, The Muir House.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalm 147:3

"In a world rocky with human failure, there is a land lush with divine mercy. Your Shepherd invites you there. He wants you to lie down. Nestle deeply until you are hidden, buried, in the tall shoots of his love, and there you will find rest."
...Max Lucado,Traveling Light