11.20.2007

Pockets

This morning I got up at five because I had my annual Thanksgiving panic stricken wake-up.

I feel lately as if my blogging has been terrible, both here and at the holiday blog. It feels as if there is little time, and when I am online in the evening, I find myself doing other things, like messing around on Etsy or reading articles, trying to find out this or that. I feel unfocused, I feel vaguely worried about everything, I feel stressed out by holidays and by work. I feel incredibly anxious about Monk's bad leg/hip, and how he doesn't really touch that foot to the ground at all anymore. I feel stressed out that our old vet is so far away. I wonder why I have only purchased one (1) Christmas present so far. I worry that the pets I love so much make my husband's life stressful, and I feel guilty about it.

I feel irritated by little things around the house I want to do but either don't have time for or don't want to deal with, such as putting up a towel bar in the bathroom or getting the fencing materials off the deck. I hate myself for being so avoidant and lazy and not just putting up the damn towel bar already, because it would take about five minutes and what the hell is my problem?

I wonder if my meds aren't right, because when I am on meds and things seem off I immediately wonder if the meds aren't right.

I wonder if the meds are a crutch.

I wonder how people are that I haven't talked to lately. I worry that they hate me because I haven't talked to them lately; worse, I assume that they have forgotten all about me and that it doesn't even matter. I hope they don't think I have forgotten them, because I haven't, and I love them all just as fiercely as ever. I think about them all the time.

I wish I could list you all by name, right now, all of you who read this blog and I need to call or email. I wish I could say yes, I am thinking about you and I miss you and I hope you are happy, and I'd like to know about what you did last night and how you are feeling about the last movie you saw. But I shouldn't, because it is a blog, but if you are reading it you should know that that is how it is. I love you and miss you and don't know what the hell my problem is.

I don't know why I collect people and then worry about them and wonder about them. I worry about a friend from first grade, who I have not seen since first grade. I feel that I collect them inside of me, and then they slip away, but the pieces of who they were and who they might become are still shoved in my pockets, and I pull them out and wonder about them and love them all the same.

I guess, what it comes down to, is that I feel sort of crazy, lately. Possibly it is just the holidays and possibly it is just my brain and possibly it is something else entirely that I don't understand. I have things that I cling to, and they are my husband, my husband I love, my best friend husband. I cling to my animals, I cling to old faces and the people I keep in my pockets and hope that they all know how it is.

11 Comments:

I don’t think you’re crazy. Don’t feel crazy. It’s probably a lot of stress having all of your family in your new home for the 1st Thanksgiving in said home. I’m stressed out about it and just my brother and SIL are coming over. Holidays, while great in that you get all of the fun family filled time in, also tend to be some of the most stressful times of the year….at least for me.

I think about long gone people too—I moved and changed schools in 7th grade and those people who I went to school with from K-6 will be I my heart forever. I wonder what they’re doing and how their lives turned out. A lot. It’s weird.

This is probably why I coordinated the “where are you now” portion of my high school reunion last year.

Also, this is why facebook has been so interesting to me- I'm finding all sorts of people I've collected and wondered about over the years. People I haven't seen since like 1990! I'm not sure it's healthy or not, but I'm a bit addicted...

You are really caring and that can add to your stress because you care about so much so deeply. I think it's a sign of what a good person you are. Also, this waking up way too early thing sucks, huh? Torsten and I are both super jet lagged and it is SUCKING.

I know that crazy feeling. Only I don't think you're crazy because 99% of what you wrote today? If I didn't see your name at the bottom, I would have thought I might have written it. Just not as eloquently.

Thank you for at least making me feel a little more sane. Or at least that I'm not my own original brand of crazy.

Were we separated at birth? I got up at 4:37 this morning. I felt like I could have written your post.

The holiday are the worst time of year for me and the other gazillion people out there. This year I'll be going to my in-laws alone (Mr. Pi has to work) and exposed to Mr. Pi's younger, weirder, druggie behavior, and his three overwhelmingly irritating children.

My MIL said oh it won't be that bad. And I said, "Right, I'm brining my Xanax."

Keep on blogging us your thoughts (I'll share if you will) and forget about the towel rack. Virtual hugs coming your way!

When I'm on medicine, I'm always second-guessing everything: "Am I in a snit because my medicine needs adjusting, or because this is a snitworthy situation and I'm responding correctly? Am I thinking of getting a tattoo because my medicine needs adjusting, or because I've always wanted one and the medicine is helping me be brave enough to do it?" Etc.