I watched a lot of Mario Maker, BreadTube, How to ADHD, Kurzgesagt, Electron Dance, and Jacob Geller.

I learned that 90% of the challenging interactions I have with other people, and with reality, are because of my ADHD. I also learned a lot about particle physics, parasocial relationships, astronomy, feminism, loneliness, capitalism, socialism, economics, game design, bridging, activism, quantum physics, alt-right political tactics, and how machine learning algorithms make people create weird videos and influence them in disturbing ways.

In January, we went to Amanda’s birthday party for a hot minute. I don’t do large groups of people anymore, but I still wanted to see Amanda on her birthday. Then we visited Dru for his 21st birthday! He kicked my butt at Smash, then we had dinner at Olive Garden and got to meet Natalie.

In February,Jean stayed with us for a couple of days, then we moved to Tacoma! Kyeli and Amanda had a harrowing roadtrip, while I stayed behind in Austin to handle the move-out, then caught up with them via plane.

In March, we celebrated Kyeli’s 42nd birthday, and I gave her an underpromised, overdelivered limerick quest. Kyeli won the battle for her soul and realized that God is everything and nothing, and I laughed at the Big Cosmic In-Joke, but Kyeli wasn’t pretending she didn’t get it, she really didn’t get it. (at the time) I finally began catching up on 11 years of avoiding doctors, starting with Dr. Miller, who turned out to be fatphobic and, while I wouldn’t say transphobic, a little bit trans-awkward.

In April, I finished Compass Rose! We flew to SoCal for EmmaCon 2019! We ate a ton of amazing food at a restaurant owned by friends of Emma’s parents, all of us but Kyeli went on a boat tour, I got sensory overstimulation and hid under four pillows, and we talked about lots of awesome stuff like office politics, spiral dynamics, Keger’s five stages of adulting, being slightly famous, high-demand groups, relationship boundaries, capitalism, bridging, racism, and Emma’s book of inspiration.

In May, I started working with my new psychiatrist, Dr. Angela. We went to a meetup of the Feminist Utopia Book Club. I went to Austin for Metroidvaniamania – Brandon and I began working on a Metroidvania together.

In June, we went to Liz’s to celebrate EJ’s birthday with a Harry Potter party. EJ played small chunks of several different video games, and Jon and I tagged along. Amanda came to visit for a week, during which Kyeli and I had a big hot messy fight. We saw the worst-ever production of Mamma Mia, we all got Pride pedis, and Amanda cut my hair and and dyed it pink. I saw Dr. Yearian, an orthopedic surgeon, who told me that my arch pain was due to genetically too-short gastrocnemius (calf) muscles, so I had surgery to have the right one lengthened. (Thanks, Snowcrash!) The surgery went okay, but I got misgendered a bunch at the hospital, which sucked a lot. This is also when Kyeli’s mental health started improving for the first time in, like, ever. (Thanks, Dr. Angela!)

In July, Kyeli started painting. We spontaneously drove out to the lighthouse across the bay and loved Tacoma. I went to Austin, and Brandon and I canceled our Metroidvania – my reason was hard mode. In fact, I swore off indie gamedev entirely because it has too low of an effort-to-output ratio. We celebrated JYule, and Kyeli gave me a clothes shopping spree that made me cry! Due to the self-love work I’ve been doing in therapy, I’m finally able to feel good about what I want to wear, and be really intentional about it instead of just wearing Kyeli’s hand-me-downs.

In August, I had a dream about Sheikha. I did “Q&A with a trans person” at the hospital, both to help others and also to decrease my chances of being misgendered during my upcoming left leg surgery. It went totally smoothly! Jo, the chaplain, is amazing. Dicey Dungeons was finally released – I’m in the credits for “detailed playtesting”!

In September, Kyeli encouraged me to enter the IFComp, and I wrote Limerick Heist in Twine and loved it, so apparently I’ve un-sworn-off indie gamedev. Kelly visited for KellyCon 2019! She made the cover art for Limerick Heist, and it came in 8th place in the IFComp! I took StrengthsFinder again and felt very little dissonance this time! And as a result of my KellyCon masterheart, I improved my spiritual infrastructure, including doing the Evening Wird when my dervish friends are available. Kyeli’s dad was diagnosed with cancer. I still had more limericks in me that needed to get out, so I put together a little questie for my besties, then started working on Rhyme Ninja to make future limerick writing easier and better.

In October, I wrote Limerick Night in 4 hours for EctoComp. Kyeli gave me lots of fun and delicious birthday surprises, including a spoon rest and a new PACE flag! We restarted doing couples therapy. I got a ton of dental work done, and now I’m caught up! I had bubble tea with Adrian.

In November, Kyeli and I celebrated our 14th anniversary! She made a video of couplies with Adventure from Fez. I got to teach a class on Limerick Heist! We decided to make Tacoma our forever home, started looking for a house, and met with a realtor, Zenika. I started listening to the Feminist Frequency podcast. AllonI sent us a sweet email. I switched to Kyeli’s doctor, Dr. Skedd. I’ve got very mild osteoarthritis in my left hip, high blood pressure, and I was diagnosed with celiac disease, which means I’ll have to stop eating gluten real soon now. I interviewed a potential new therapist, Debby, but she misgendered me 4 minutes into our first session so I fired her immediately and she blamed me for not being patient enough with her. We put all our Tacoma stuff in storage and moved to Austin for the winter. Bastion and Kyeli had a really rough flight. I asked a stranger to please stop hammering at 11pm, which previously would have caused me major social anxiety.

In December, I finally made peace with being a multipod. We had a secret masterheart with a secret BFF, who helped me with gluten-free planning. We visited Kyeli’s dad in the hospital, and he told me to be careful. Dru came to visit for Yule, and we had League Appreciation Practice, the Dru’s Commentary version of The Great Gatsby, and lots of amazing conversations. JK Rowling came out as a TERF, and I processed a lot about how to support the art without supporting the artist. We bailed on our family vacation to Harry Potter World, not because of JK but because it’s not accessible enough. Emma visited for a day and it was lovely. I designed a Yule quest for Kyeli involving welcome mats, Limerick Heist, and a Spy Safe House escape room! Kyeli got me Beat Saber for Yule and now I play it all the time! It’s my new DDR! Kyeli and I reviewed our entire decade, distilling the most important takeaways. One thing I learned is what I love in a creative project, so I quit working on Rhyme Ninja, threw away a couple more coding-based project ideas, and started writing a book of spiritual limericks.

2019 was a year of mental and physical health. I got my psych meds figured out, and started making progress on all the physical ailments that had been piling up during my 11-year hiatus from doctors. My word of the year was “engage”, but I needed to engage with my own health before I could engage deeply with Tacoma. And as always, I need to engage with my heart, to stay present in my life so I can feel and be and hurt and heal and love, instead of just tagging along for the ride.

Why do I always resist?
My reminders, so simply dismissed?
I’ve got to forestall
forgetting. I scrawl
a hasty note: “SEE OTHER WRIST.”

In 2020, I’m gonna keep on keeping on. I’ve still got some big medical rocks to adjust to, most notably gluten-free, and then I plan to put down roots in Tacoma and continue to engage with my heart, my body, my friends, and my life.

Best Youtubers of 2018: Natalie Wynn, Ian Danskin, Mark Brown. Natalie and Ian helped me feel like I’m not alone in my political views. Kyeli and I coined the term “creepy lemon” because we didn’t know anyone whose views were similar to ours. Watching Natalie and Ian’s videos gives me hope. *fistbump* And Mark is doing the same for game design! Not only are we learning a ton and enjoying the heck out of it, but he cares and is making the world a better place.

Games that inspired me because I enjoyed them and could actually potentially create graphics of that caliber: Darkside Detective, The Last Door, Dream Quest, earlier versions of Dicey Dungeons, and maybe even Minit

Games that inspired me because they could have been great if they had fixed some design oversights: Dr. Doyle and the Mystery of the Cloche Hat, Shalnor Legends: Sacred Lands

Game that inspires me to create a metroidvania without combat: Super Win the Game

Game that proved that a procedurally generated metroidvania is possible: A Robot Named Fight

Game that I did not like, but I finished anyway, making me realize what I sucker I am for a surreal mystery: Earthworms

In February, my tiny but indomitable internal bird pecked me back awake, and Zoloft returned my soul, none the worse for wear. I made peace with my dissatisfaction.

In March, we lived in Vancouver, WA, as a trial run to see if we wanted to live there. The Couv is just across the river from Portland, and way more affordable. We learned a lot about what we want to optimize for in terms of location, comfort, and friendships. We spent Kyeli’s birthday weekend on the coast and saw whales!

In April, we rejiggered our budget to optimize for the common case, and as a result, bought our new car, Lilith. We had a weekend journey with Amanda. Kyeli relearned that she can’t take the heat in Austin, so we removed Austin from our list of candidate forever homes.

In May, I was diagnosed with ADHD, started taking Adderall, and it immediately solved 70% of all the problems in my life. Kyeli went to Beacon, NY for the summer, to hang out with Kelly’s new baby. I started playtesting Dicey Dungeons.

In June, I joined Kyeli in Beacon for the summer. Being apart for two weeks was nice, but three was too long. We saw Hamilton on Broadway with Dru and a shady, secretive fourth person!

In July, we celebrated Kelly’s 40th birthday by masterhearting with Emma and Christine! I began indie game development (thank you, Terry, for inspiring me!) and started working on Compass Rose – I created puzzle #1. The Great Utensil Shenanigan began. Kyeli had a stroke migraine with aura. In therapy, we discussed how I can support Kyeli when she fragments, and I took too big a stick.

In August, I participated in my first game jam: Ludum Dare 42! I teamed up with Brandon and Sarah, started learning Unity, and together, over a weekend, we created Overencumbered! I loved Unity so much I rewrote Compass Rose from scratch. We decided to move to Seattle instead of Portland/the Couv, because the weather is cooler, and we want to optimize for the long term.

In September, I participated in my second game jam: GMTK(jam)! I teamed up with Jake, Chloe, and Vilinder, and together we created Youhou 01 ~ Eternal Piracy, Breezeless Sea! I got frustrated with tilesets, and decided to scale down Compass Rose to just a puzzle game instead of a puzzlevania. Julica and I repaired our friendship. Kyeli took the stick back.

In October, we started saving for retirement. Kelan visited, and we talked about systemic racism. We moved back to Austin as planned. I explored new ways to manage increased work stress. A coworker asked me a personal question, I answered truthfully, and they used it against me in a professional capacity. I created Compass Rose puzzle #2 of 4.

In November, we started helping Dru out with tuition, under more precise conditions. We asked ourselves, “Why wait to get a kitten?” and we acquired Bastion Hawthorne Weatherwax Smith, Esq.! We stopped podcasting. We decided to research the cost of living in Seattle, and the weather in more detail. We confirmed that the weather was indeed significantly cooler, and learned that the cost of living was prohibitively high anywhere reasonably close to Seattle proper. So we’re going to try Tacoma instead. Tacoma has Seattle weather, but at Couv prices. It’s LGBT-friendly, and it’s big enough to have everything we need and almost everything we want. We’re optimistic – and this time, our optimism is founded on some actual research! Kyeli and I celebrated our 13th anniversary with a double-wide weekend of sporkfoon excellence.

In December, I created Compass Rose puzzle #3 of 4. Amanda dyed my hair pink near the roots and purple at the edges, and it’s my favorite hair color combo ever! I played Pump It Up, and remembered how much I love the game. Brandon and I discussed future gamedev collaboration possibilities. We celebrated Yule with Dru. He beat me at chess, he crushed me at Smash, we discussed politics like adults and he didn’t just demur. It was awesome. Kyeli and I celebrated our 13th anniversary once again with our Probably-Final Cruise. We picked out the past year’s patterns with our minds, held its hard-won truths in our hearts, and let its subtle music sing silently to our souls. We cast our hopes for the next year as a net made of plans into a sea made of dreams.

In summary:
My goal for 2017 was to put down roots in Lansing and engage with my life. It didn’t work, because the culture was not a good fit.
My goal for 2018 was to put down roots in Austin and engage with my life. It didn’t work, because Austin is too hot for Kyeli. But even though the roots didn’t take, I did engage with my life!

Adderall increased my capacity and lowered my daunt. It lightened my depression and smoothed my anxiety, making it easier to take initiative, easier to connect, and easier to get up off the couch and do small self-care things for myself and small sweet things for Kyeli.

Instead of just going along for the ride in NY, I initiated a new hobby – indie video game development – that has now become a big part of my life.

Instead of just deferring to Kyeli, I suggest we not wait to get a kitten, and once we got Bastion, I moved we commit to keeping him. <3

Instead of just sticking with the Seattle plan or reverting to the Couv plan, we kept researching and found a potential win/win in Tacoma.

In addition to engaging with my life, 2018 was also a year of self-love and healthy boundaries.

In therapy this year, I unburied the shame I had internalized about being trans, and began belatedly healing it with self-love and compassion.

In couples, we worked on how to have healthy boundaries when we each have very different needs and very different abilities. Equality based not on how many to-do items we can accomplish, but on how many souls we each have. Complementary.

In 2019, my goal is exactly the same as it was in 2017 and 2018 – to put down roots and engage with my life – except this time in Tacoma. Since my intention is the same and only the location is changing, I’m choosing the same word of the year – engage.

In July, we visited Austin, and my company made me an offer in exchange for spending 1/4 of my time in Austin. We said yes. Then I went to IEA and it was great except for the fact that Kyeli didn’t come.

In August, we decided to move, since our reasons for moving to Lansing were no longer valid.

In September, we sold our house and waited for banks to do bank things.

In October, Kelly and Amanda flew in to surprise me for my birthday! We moved out, and stayed in Minneapolis for a couple of weeks. We saw Caitlyn at the MIA and went to our first live comedy show.

In November, we moved to Austin and got settled in our new apartment. Kyeli visited her family for Thanksgiving and I opted out and watched OK GO videos instead.

In December, I had my first gyn exam in 13 years, we celebrated Yule with Dru, Kyeli and I went on a cruise to celebrate our 10th anniversary (two years late), I retired as a competitive DDR player, and Kelly stayed with us for a few days.

In summary, my goal for 2017 was to put down roots in Lansing and engage with my life. It didn’t work. How many of the above events actually took place in Lansing with people who live in Lansing? Only one – and it was bad. Lansing was a mistake born out of of desperation, and the culture wasn’t a good fit for us.

In 2018, my goal is exactly the same – to put down roots and engage with my life – except in Austin and the Pacific Northwest. Hopefully I’ll have better results. (:

In March, Amanda came up to visit for Kyeli’s birthday adventure, during which we stayed at the Stone Church.

In April, we had a MasterHeart with Kelly and Chris which helped me deal with my identity and ego issues that arose as I scaled back my achievement. I attended a Sufi retreat at The Abode of the Message. We were propositioned by friends (we politely declined), and Kyeli started physical therapy.

In May, Kyeli went to Dallas by herself, her first solo trip since the accident, and brought Dru home with her for a visit. We decided to move to Lansing.

In June, Kyeli started driving. I tried fasting for Ramadan but I couldn’t work because my brain spaced out, so I gave up. We took an experimental roadtrip to Maine to see if Kyeli could handle the upcoming drive to Lansing.

In July, we celebrated Kelly’s birthday with a Spiritual Superfriends gathering! We became birds of a feather and got tattoos. I attended the IEA conference in Minneapolis and met the Sufi community there. We drove to Lansing for a house-hunting scouting mission. We almost bought the house on Kalamazoo but it turned out be a lemon, and we dodged that bullet.

In August, Kyeli almost entirely stopped needing the wheelchair. Physical therapy FTW, Alhamdullilah! We had Waywardpalooza, our farewell time with Kelly and Chris and our other Beacon friends.

In October, Kyeli took me on a surprise birthday adventure all across Lansing and beyond!

In November, we closed on our new house, Dreamhold at Rooted Keep, and moved in! We visited Beacon for Thanksgiving, Pie Day, and a MasterHeart from which my biggest takeaway was “Stop, don’t pause.”

In December, Dru came to visit for a week, and we spent Christmas Day with Julica and her family. We closed the year with a New Year’s Eve MasterHeart focused on having a more wholehearted 2017 by getting out of our comfort zones.

In summary, 2016 was a year of deepening my friendship with Kelly, and it was a year of healing and recovery from the burnout I suffered from due to pushing too hard on my business for the previous five years. It was definitely restful and healing, but I think I overshot the mark – I think I took too many steps back away from burnout, and ended up disconnected, from both my friends and from my passion. I threw the passion baby out with the ambition bathwater.

Dearest 2017, I choose to share warm bread and butter with you. Empowered but not overconfident, optimistic but grounded, I choose to engage with you.

Today is my and Kyeli’s 10th anniversary!

As of today, Kyeli and I have been married for 10 years! In celebration of our tenth anniversary, today I’m sharing the story of our most recent wedding (the legal one on October 18th, 2014), including the ceremony, our vows, and all that good stuff.

We get married fairly often.

This was our 3rd public wedding ceremony. Our first wedding was exactly ten years ago (in 2005), when we were part of the triad. Our second wedding was in 2009, to celebrate my and Kyeli’s marriage as just the two of us. We’ve had one or two private ceremonies as well.

Our intent for this wedding was threefold:

to make it legal

to recognize our commitment to each other as spiritual partners

to choose each other as we are now, with our eyes wide open, wholeheartedly.

Spiritual partnership

“Spiritual partner” is a term I learned from the book Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukav. I couldn’t stand this book. It was written in 2011, but feels like the 1970s. However, I love the concept of spiritual partnership, and this book named it for me.

A spiritual partnership can be a committed romantic relationship, or it can be any two or more people who commit to treating each other as equals working together wholeheartedly toward spiritual growth.

In most relationships, there’s give and take. There’s compromise. There’s working out how to get my needs met while you get your needs met. This is normal and good. Spiritual partnership changes the game. Instead of give and take, it’s now surrender and trust.

It’s a little creepy, because it looks a lot like codependence from the outside. It’s hard to tell the difference between collapse and surrender unless you’re in it. You could say “I will give you everything” out of desperation and collapse, or you could say “I will give you everything” out of wholehearted surrender and harnessed empowerment.

Honestly, it can even be hard to tell the difference between collapse and surrender when you are in it. (Been there, done that.)

Spiritual partnership is about switching from “How can you make me happy?” to “How can we help each other grow?” It’s about stopping taking things personally and instead taking each conflict as a learning opportunity. It’s about letting go of keeping track, and surrendering to love.

Spiritual partnership requires wholeheartedness. I can give, and give, and give, but if I’m feeling resentful or bitter about giving, then I’m in the tit-for-tat model instead of spiritual partnership – I’m acting as though I’m in a regular partnership of mutual exchange, trying to get my needs met.

Actually, resentment itself isn’t even a problem, it’s what I do with it. When I feel resentful, do I blame Kyeli? Do I blame the Universe? Do I blame myself for feeling this way? Do I get stuck in feeling like a victim? Or do I take the resentment, feel it fully, acknowledge it, and work through it in an empowered and wholehearted way? That’s the way of the spiritual partner.

Eyes wide open

The year of the wedding, Kyeli went from being able to walk normally to being in a wheelchair most of the time. She can’t drive. She can’t help out around the house as much. She can’t do a lot of the things she used to be able to do.

It’s been a huge shift in our relationship, as Kyeli struggles with independence and empowerment and I struggle with taking on more responsibility – a degree of responsibility that I don’t really want, and that I sure as heck didn’t sign up for.

The biggest thing that helps me remember to be wholehearted – to not get mired in resentment – is to choose Kyeli, as she is now, with my eyes wide open. “I didn’t sign up for this” is one of my Yellow Alert Thoughts. It’s a signal that I’m not feeling wholehearted, and a reminder to choose. There are only two wholehearted options:

choose what is

choose to change it

And look at all these tempting things that are not on the list:

wish it were different

complain about it

avoid it

slog through it resentfully

procrastinate

pretend everything is fine

raise one’s fist to the heavens and rail, “I didn’t sign up for this!”

Either choose what is, or choose to change it. Those are the only two wholehearted options.

In my marriage with Kyeli, that means: either choose Kyeli as she is now, or choose to change our relationship – which would mean divorce, or some other drastic relationship shift. “Slog through my marriage resentfully” and “pretend everything is fine” are not wholehearted options.

So we had a sacred ceremony in which we each vowed, “I choose you as you are now.” This vow anchors my wholeheartedness in my mind, in my heart, in my soul, and in my bones. It makes it easier to remember whenever I forget.

And ohhhhh yes I forget. I forget in small ways, when Kyeli drops something on the floor and asks me if I could please pick it up, and I think to myself, “Damn it! This is the sixth time today! Why do you keep dropping shit?!”

Now that we have made a sacred commitment to each other as spiritual partners, it’s easier to remember that I did sign up for this. We’re rubbing the rough edges off each other so we can become smooth enough to pass through the gate of heaven.

Not your mother’s mixed-faith wedding

I’m a Sufi (I had just taken hand a few days before the wedding), and Kyeli is a handmaiden of the Goddess. We wanted to honor each of our spiritual/religious paths in the ceremony, as well as the Oneness that contains them both. Keep your eye out for the Sufi and witchy elements in the ceremony.

The Participants

We invited about a dozen of our closest friends; no observers, only participants.

The Ceremony

So without further ado, here is our wedding ceremony, including our vows, including everything except our magickal names, which we don’t share publicly. The ceremony was written by our good friend and officiant Julica Hermann, and tweaked by myself and Kyeli.

You are most welcome to use it as inspiration for your own ceremony. You are most welcome to steal it, in whole or in part. If you do, we’d love to hear about it… and see pics! (:

Pace & Kyeli’s
Big Fat Witchy Sufi Lesbian Legal Wedding Ceremony

GET HYPE

[Everybody dances, then Pace comes at the beat drop, everyone looks at her and admires her, then Kyeli comes in at the melody, everyone looks at her and admires her too. Both Pace and Kyeli begin hugging people around the circle at opposite ends, going in opposite directions, and work their way around. Fade out music.]

Invocation: Casting Circle

[Julica:]
We gather together today to bear witness to the sacred union of Pace and Kyeli.
Bismillah ir-Rahman ir-Rahim, in harmony with Divine Oneness, we cast circle in Her blessed presence:
by the earth that is Her body,
by the air that is Her breath,
by the fire of Her bright spirit,
by the waters of Her living womb,
by all that is above,
all that is below,
and all that spirals in-between, [step back into circle]
From my heart to your heart, the circle is cast. [with hand to heart gesture.]
[P & K:] we are between the worlds and what happens here changes us and changes all the worlds. [drop hands.]

Charlie: I invite Air to witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.
Kelly: I invite Fire to witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.
Ev’Yan: I invite Water to witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.
Pam: I invite Earth to witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.
Angela: I invite all guides, spiritual and physical, regardless of time and space, to witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.
Jen: I invite all who have come before and all who shall come after to witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.
Pace: I invite Aphrodite to witness and bless this union of myself and Kyeli.
Kyeli: I invite our sacred guides to witness and bless this union of myself and Pace.
Julica: We welcome and give thanks to all who have come to bear witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.

SING: La ilaha ill’allah

During the rehearsal, Kelly invoked Fire a little too well, and the house almost burned down. The wedding’s a success ’cause nobody died!

Poems

Pace reads this poem (by Eeva Kilpi) to Kyeli in Finnish, and Kyeli reads the translation to Pace in English.

Tell me right away if I’m disturbing you,
she said as she stepped inside my door,
and I’ll leave at once.

You not only disturb me, I said,
you shatter my entire existence.
Welcome.

[Julica:]
Yes, that is exactly how it is. That is what the commitment of marriage does to a person. When we marry someone, when we make a wholehearted commitment to another person, we are shattering our entire existence. There is some kind of weird synergistic math, where 1 + 1 does not equal 2, it equals 4,000. Your entire life is transformed in the moment of committing yourself to another person. And that transformation is renewed every time you recommit – and I mean recommit in the big moments, like today, and also in the small moments, like when your partner is making you batshit crazy, and you take a deep breath, and you say, I’m still in, I can do this.

This is something that both of you already know, because that is what you have already been doing. You have been married in your hearts and in the eyes of your family and friends for nine wonderful years. And you know that a good marriage is one in which you constantly re-commit to each other. You invite that person into your heart, again and again, knowing that it will continue to shatter your individual existence.

This moment and this celebration is about reaffirming something that already is. It’s also about deepening the relationship you have created together, on two levels: the spiritual and the legal.

In this space, you are affirming the spiritual commitment you are making to each other, and to each other’s spiritual paths. You are making a promise to support each other’s ongoing development and spiritual relationship with the Divine. That is especially exciting and challenging when you don’t share the same spiritual path! This is something that you have been in the process of clarifying and discovering very recently.

So it is important and meaningful to take a moment to acknowledge that there is a deep commitment and a deep love and a deep trust that goes with the witnessing of your partner following her separate spiritual path, and trusting that she supports you in following yours.

[pause]

And then the other important aspect of this ceremony is the fact that today we are witnessing and endorsing a legal marriage, in the eyes of the state. With that acknowledgement comes a host of benefits that you have not had access to!

And so there is a little bit of bittersweet taste to this fact.

The bitter taste comes from acknowledging that it is not OK that is has taken this long, and it is not OK that many couples still do not enjoy the privileges of legal marriage because this is not yet the law of the land.

Fortunately, and here is the sweetness, we all know that the tide has turned. It is truly now just a matter of months before everyone can marry whomever they love, and it is wonderful that Oregon has seen the light, and that the people of Oregon have had the wisdom to do what is right, to support and acknowledge your deep love and commitment for each other.

Kyeli, when we were discussing and preparing this ceremony, you said the most beautiful thing to me, and I want to share it back with you and with everyone. You said: relationships cannot happen in a vacuum; relationships occur in community.

And this particular community is your group of deeply beloveds, your chosen family, the people who have seen you through thick and thin, and who will continue to support the growth and development of your relationship. These friendships, the people in this circle in this moment, have been carefully cultivated by both of you. Kyeli, you told me that you are made stronger and better and more beautiful by each relationship you have with the people in this circle. And I know I can speak for everyone and say ditto! We are all made better and stronger and more beautiful because we are friends with you Kyeli, and with you, Pace.

[pause]

And so, in this expanded circle of love, it is now time for all of you, beloveds of Kyeli and Pace, to share a blessing for their commitment to each other.

Blessings

[We went around the circle and each person shared a blessing. (Yes, we warned them beforehand.) Poems, songs, prayers, heartfelt wishes – our friends are super sweet and amazingly creative!]

[Julica:]
Well, now that you are marinating in all this love for you and your relationship, I’d be really surprised if you wouldn’t want to keep going. But! If you want to back out, this is your last chance, because I’m about to ask you if you’re serious about this. Are you ready?

Declaration of Intent and Vows

Pace, do you choose Kyeli as your sacred and lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, regardless of ability, for rich or for poor, as long as you both shall live?

Pace: I do!

Kyeli, do you choose Pace as your sacred and lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, regardless of ability, for rich or for poor, as long as you both shall live?

Kyeli: I do!

Kyeli, please declare your vows to Pace.

Vows

(In the vows, there are some places where it says <insert sacred name>. Kyeli and I each have a private magickal name that we only use in sacred space. I also have a Sufi name that I use for Sufi stuff. It’s Muqita and it’s (obviously) not private. So the people at the ceremony got to witness us say our sacred names, but the internet doesn’t.)

[Kyeli:]
In this sacred space, surrounded by our loved ones and in the presence of the Divine, I, Kyeli , do vow:

to hold our relationship above all others, save my relationships with myself and with the Divine.

to endeavor to know myself in all my parts.

to be open, to talk things through as they occur, and to ask for what I need.

to hold healthy physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries.

to honor your physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries.

to love and accept you for who you are, even as you grow and change.

to speak truth to you in all things at all times, with exceptions for positive surprises and amusement value.

to treat you with kindness and compassion.

to be always on your team.

to support you in following your own dreams as well as the dreams we share.

(The following two sweet things that Kyeli says to Pace and that Pace says to Kyeli were kept private until this point and not rehearsed during rehearsal, so Pace and Kyeli were hearing them for the first time during the ceremony.)

[Kyeli:]
“Pace, you are the most impressively amazing person I have ever known. In our ten years together, you have grown and changed and deepened, become more spiritual and more compassionate, more gentle and more kind, and ever more awesome. I didn’t even think it was possible! You just keep breaking the awesome meter! You impress me every single day in lots of little ways, and at least once a month in a big way. You impress me with your radiance, with your wisdom, with your wit, your pathfinding and path forging and path-sticking-to-it-ness. But most of all, more than anything, it’s your heart that gets me. Your big beautiful heart, your deep compassionate heart, your sweet sensitive heart. I am so hype about you, I am so hype about us. We’ve got this, you and me and our wild crazy meaningful life. I love you, I love you, I love you.

She kneels and prostrates herself at K’s feet. Jonathan and Mark attend. Pace places her hand on Kyeli’s heart.

ANOTHER ROUND OF RUMI

Legal Hype!

The signing of the document — Clayton and Holly bring a little table to the center of the circle. Amanda and Kelly step up and offer the document. We all sign.

Description of the rings

[Julica:]
May I please have the rings?

You have chosen two very different rings, but both bear the same gem – just as you are two very different people who both share the same love. May these rings be forever the symbol of the unbroken circle of your love. Love freely given has no beginning and no end. Love freely given has no giver and no receiver. May these rings remind you of the vows you have shared here today, and the love you share always.

Exchange of rings

Pace: I offer you this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment. By accepting this ring onto your finger, you accept not only my love, but also all of the bullshit that comes along with that.

Kyeli: Bring it!

Kyeli: I offer you this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment. By accepting this ring onto your finger, you accept not only my love, but also all of the bullshit that comes along with that.

Pace: Bring it!

Pronouncement

Forasmuch as Pace and Kyeli have thus pledged themselves to the Divine and to each other in the presence of this circle, by the power vested in me as a handmaiden of the Goddess, I witness and bless your commitment to each other as spiritual partners. And by the power vested in me by the state of Oregon, I now pronounce you lawfully wedded wives!

Make with the kissing!!!

[P and K make with the kissing]

Benediction

Please hold hands.

We give thanks to all who gave their attention and love to witness and bless this sacred union of Pace and Kyeli.

Open circle (with gesture):
from my heart to your heart, the circle is open.

Kyeli and Pace: The circle is open, but unbroken. May the blessings of the Divine go ever in our hearts.

Our word of the year for 2015 was “pantry”. We wanted to make some things better that would stay better once they were done. In particular:

getting a good wheelchair for Kyeli

getting medical care and pain management for Kyeli

moving to a wheelchair-accessible home

making my business consistent and sustainable

Let’s see how we did!

In January, I took Charlie Gilkey‘s advice and stopped teaching the nuts and bolts of business so I could focus on teaching Pathfinding. Kelly visited Portland for KellyCon 2.5. I taught Peaceful Productivity, and we tried to find a new place to live in Portland, and failed miserably and repeatedly, mainly due to lack of accessibility.

In February, We finally found a new place to live: the HMS Skywhale. We moved in with high hopes which were very quickly dashed. Kyeli got a fancy new wheelchair – Chariot 2.0 – which didn’t fit. The fitting fiasco began.

In March, I created a new autoresponder sequence for my eZine, and did 37 Pathfinding Consultations.

In April, I released Find Your Path Now, an eBook that serves as a great introduction to my work. We began a long-distance roleplaying campaign with our son Dru over Skype. The 2nd annual Trailblazers group formed and began trailblazing. (It’s the secret sequel to the Pathfinding Program.)

In August, I taught Overcome Overwhelm (O_o), and we presented our hopefully-not-last App Camp for Girls presentation. We said our goodbyes to all our Portland and Seattle friends, especially spending lots of high-quality time with Jean. We went through our Great Purge 3.0, getting rid of all our furniture and lots of our other stuff too, so that we could fit almost everything we own into our Honda Fit for our upcoming cross-country move.

In summary, 2015 pretty much sucked. We expected it to be productively rough, because we had chosen to build lots of pantries even though we were exhausted, but our pantries kept falling apart… so it was gratuitously, discouragingly rough instead. I think we were Path-creating instead of Pathfinding.

Comma-Dammit

When Pathfinding clients begin working with me, they’re often in what I call the comma-dammit phase. You can tell if you’re in the comma-dammit phase if, whenever you talk about your own identity, you can hear a silent “comma dammit” appended to the end of each sentence.

For example, consider two different people saying the same sentence, “I follow my heart.”

Sharon says calmly, “I follow my heart,” her arms at her sides, as if she’s stating a fact.

Sharon says, “It’s been like a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes I’ve felt fully aligned, sometimes I’ve compromised, and sometimes I’ve journeyed off my path and didn’t follow my heart at all for a while. It’s a learning process, though, and it’s been ridiculously interesting for sure. How about you?”

Diane says, “It’s been the most amazing thing in the world. It’s been wild, crazy, and meaningful. Whenever I fall off my path I do my best to get right back on. Compromise is a slippery slope; if I’m any less than 100% dedicated to following my heart, I’ll go back to being the me I used to be, and I’d rather die.”

What’s the key difference between Sharon and Diane?

Diane is more hype and Sharon is more calm, that’s for sure. But that’s a symptom, not the root cause.

The key difference is that Diane is desperately attached to her identity as someone who follows her heart.

Sharon says, “I follow my heart,” but Diane says, “I am a person who follows her heart,” with the implied “comma dammit” at the end. In other words, Diane is saying, “I am a person who follows her heart, no matter what the cost.”

Gurdjieff’s Law of Three

The Affirm phase of Diane’s life was “I exist to take care of others, and my needs are unimportant.”

When Diane changed her life, she moved into phase 2: Deny. The Deny phase always has a “comma dammit” attached to the end. Diane’s Deny phase is “I follow my heart, dammit.”

Diane is denying that she exists solely to take care of others. She’s denying that her needs are unimportant. She’s choosing to follow her heart to prove that she values herself.

The problem with comma-dammit

The problem with comma-dammit is that you’re just as locked down as you were in the Affirm phase. Sure, you’re locked into the opposite thing, but you’re still locked.

Diane used to be locked into taking care of others at her own expense.

Now she’s locked into following her heart no matter what the cost.

Her options are different, but they’re just as limited.

When Diane was in Phase 1: Affirm, her magnetic north used to be “I exist to take care of others, and my needs are unimportant,” and all her choices pointed toward north.

When Diane shifted to Phase 2: Deny, she chose to head south instead of north – directly away from the belief “I exist to take care of others, and my needs are unimportant.”

But that belief is still her center.

She’s heading away from it instead of toward it, but that belief is still at the core of her being.

Phase 3: Reconcile

Sharon’s Phase 1 and Phase 2 were similar to Diane’s, but Sharon changed her life a second time and entered Phase 3: Reconcile. Phase 1 and Phase 2 are polar opposites, so when Sharon reconciled them, magic happened. Sharon could not be a person who held two conflicting beliefs at the same time, so she ceased to be a “person who” at all. She broke her attachment to her identity.

Sharon is no longer Queen of the Nation of Sharon; she is simply Sharon.

Unbound from the chains of identity, Sharon now occupies a larger container – a container large enough to hold her soul, which no identity could possibly hold. Since she’s no longer a “person who”, she is free to make all possible choices at all times.

In other words:

The next step

But all that cool woo-woo stuff can’t happen until you first notice your comma-dammit with curiosity and openness.

Once upon a time, I had a day job.

“How was work today, sweetheart?” Kyeli asked me when I arrived back at home.

“Oh, it was fine,” I replied while taking off my shoes.

“You say it’s fine, but you don’t sound fine,” said Kyeli.

Something snapped inside of me. I threw up my hands, and this is what came out of my mouth:

“What is my problem?!?!

I get to use everything I studied in school. I get to work on really interesting problems. My coworkers are, for the most part, great to work with and generally awesome people.

The project I get to work on is basically my dream project where I get to do all of the really cool stuff with none of the bullshit.

I get to work from home part-time! And I make butt-tons of money! There are people who would kill to have my job.

There is nothing wrong with this job, so there must be something wrong with me.

What is my problem?

Why can’t I just be grateful for what I’ve got?

Why can’t I just be happy?”

Kyeli held me as my rant softened into sadness. She looked me in the eye and turned my question around: “What is your problem, Pace?”

I replied, “My problem is that my heart isn’t happy. On paper, this job is perfect. But my heart doesn’t care about paper. My heart isn’t logical. My heart isn’t efficient. My heart doesn’t care about job security or money or solving interesting problems. My heart wants to love and to be of service. My heart wants to help people.”

Kyeli asked, “But isn’t the work you’re doing helping people?”

I said, “Sure! Maybe. Sort of, eventually. But it doesn’t feel like it. I can make up a story about how I’m helping people, but that story is in my brain and my heart is like, ‘whatever.’ My heart wants to feel the feeling of helping people, not just hear the story.”

And then I got a second chance.

“I hear you and I support you,” she replied. “And I also remember that you’ve felt this way before, but it slipped away. What happened?”

I said, “I was too afraid. It’s like, if we go to the store and bring home a bunch of junk food, I’m gonna eat it. It’s just too easy when it’s right there. But if we don’t buy the junk food in the first place, then I only have to make one good hard decision instead of deciding multiple times every single day.”

I said, “Exactly. What I need is one of those lap bars, like on a rollercoaster. The lap bar comes down and BOOM, you’re committed. It’s too late to get off this ride. You can scream and shout, but you might as well put your hands in the air and enjoy the ride. There’s a kind of freedom in commitment.”

Kyeli said, “I know you have a plan, to wait until you have a nest egg and then quit your job. But what if we didn’t wait? What if you quit your job, we sold all our stuff, and we moved into an RV and traveled the country?”

I said, “That would be one hell of a lap bar.”

So we did it.

I quit my day job. We sold 95% of our possessions. We bought an RV and moved into it. We traveled the country.

It was a big change; I did plenty of screaming and shouting as I strugged to adjust.