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Friday, February 19, 2010

The Opinuary Column

Posted by
mjs

The Opinion "A white person flying an airplane into a US Government building with the intent to do grave harm is committing a terrorist act" has died as a result of being flown by a white person into a US Government building apparently with the intent to do grave harm. According to those science-crowd types, flying planes into buildings is really bad for planes and the people who fly them, and not very good for buildings (and the people inside them) either. The Opinion was believed to have been born at FOX News in the late 1990s, but who can remember back that far?

The Opinion had seeped into the public/media's consciousness over the past decade, during which time it was somehow decided that terrorists could not, by definition, be White American Males (WAM). Though Timothy McVeigh had attacked his country in April of 1995 it was established that he was not a "terrorist" but rather "a concerned Caucasian citizen." McVeigh was later depicted in a rather famous Bud Light advertisement as the "Too heavy" portion of the "too light/too heavy" campaign. But not "too white."

Services for the late Opinion are pending as of this writing, however when they do take place you can be assured they will be white: very, very white. And if you have a small, white child who wants to be a terrorist when he or she grows up, break it gently to the tender soul that such a lofty dream is impossible, explaining patiently that such a child cannot by definition be a terrorist--the best said child might hope for would be to grow up and become a traitor to the nation, and if lucky, a mass murderer to boot.

7 comments:

Oh, that's just freakin' great! Any black child can grow up hoping that he can become president, or any black girl can hope that she gets an oil tanker named after her, and swarthy racist muchachas can aspire to become Supreme Court Justices. BUT THE WHITE MAN IS DENIED THE RIGHT TO BE A TERRORIST! More discrimination against us...

I'm so mad I could fly an airplane into something. If I knew how to fly, that is. Instead, I think I'll spend the next couple of years typing out a long martyrdom manifesto.