Friday, 29 January 2010

THANK YOU PIA, MEL, TUTI for your comments and TO ALL THOSE WHO WROTE TO ME, praying for me. I woke up yesterday feeling like I was about 50% better. Such a big difference that I KNEW it could not be a natural change in my body. It was nothing less than our loving Heavenly Father answering your prayers...AND with a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat, I THANK YOU! I'm sorry for how often I ask for prayer, I get ashamed of my weaknesses, but I KNOW prayer works! And I am definitely stronger when I am given the Lord's strength than if I just try to do everything myself. Such a stupid, frustrating set of diseases. Everyone who has Lupus, fibromyalgia and trigeminal neuralgia ask God why they couldn't be given a disease that doctors know more about and are willing to work with. We are pretty much on our own and passed around because we are "too complicated". The social part of this illness is worse than the physical part for sure. The inspiration that I got this morning: "JUST HOLD ON A LITTLE BIT LONGER, THEN WILL COME YOUR REST AND REWARD." THANKYOU LORD, A MILLION TIMES! HOW DO PEOPLE SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU???

I still have a ways to go until I can even make a meal or get outside to go places where I need to do things, in fact I'm still doubled up in pain, but it's SO much better than I have been in the past 2 months.

Please, Heavenly Father, Bless all of my dear praying friends as much or more than you have blessed me.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

AGAIN, stating how thankful I am for the internet. I would not be alive without the friends God has sent me through this "box", my link to the world outside my house. I would not survive my hard times like I'm having now-- without Him working through people like you.

ULLY

ELY

N

OD

Friends are quiet Angels who liftus to our feet when our

wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

MAY GOD BLESS EACH ONE OF YOU A HUNDRED TIMES OVER FOR THE WAYSYOU HAVE BLESSED OTHERS!!!

I would really appreciate your prayers right now.

I am not even thinking clearly enough to know how topull myself out of this hole I'm in. Thanks.

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

When we woke up this morning, it was a very bad snow storm, so I didn't have to drive my Mom out of town. That was probably the Lord's protection. I might have had an accident while driving to another town while I feel the way I do. He is protecting me.May He protect all of you as much.Blessings, Sheila

Monday, 25 January 2010

Thank you all who have written to ask about my absence. I'm not doing well. Many visits to the hospital, sometimes once or twice a week. One time with my mom in the bed beside me because we were both too ill to even check on each other or help each other for over a week, except to call each other on the phone. Finally we both got too dehydrated, too much pain, and mom had a kidney infection. She was quickly feeling better after her second antibiotic pill. I was told my condition would get worse before it got better, and although I denied it because I knew the Lord would step in...the Dr. was right. It is getting worse before it's getting better.

Lupus doesn't like it when there are drastic weather changes multiple times in a short time period, so it caused red, angry, raging, painful inflammation throughout many organs in both Mom and I. It affects every function in our body and feels like you are dying, even though we are not. It amazes me that a person can suffer so much and there is no help for them...that they pray for it to stop or pray to go be with the Lord, but that doesn't happen either. They pray for help from another human being and yet they are left alone.

I often tell the Lord to forgive me for not being completely positive right now. This pain is so distracting, and so much "louder" than the "still small voice" of the Holy Spirit, that I seem to have forgotten all the lessons I've learned. I'm sure I will recall them soon, but I sure appreciate the friends that God gave me to remind me of the encouraging thoughts when I have forgotten for the moment.

I know things could be worse. I know there are others in worse condition than me. Somehow that doesn't make the pain any less. With grief that makes you feel like your life is over (though logically you know that's a lie), and then physical pain that makes you feel more than half dead, it's tough to think anything at all, good or bad.

I pray to be MORE useful to the Lord, to be able to do MORE, but become more and more useless. With this mourning, I'm sure this is part of what caused the lupus flare up, but the Lord had been carrying me and helping me. The emotional comfort that it took me 7 years to get after my first divorce, had come to me just 3 weeks after this loss. I was able to dream again and make new plans for my life that is starting over, and had a lot of hope for the future, then it seemed I was slapped down...to show me that none of those dreams will be possible.

I know all this will soon pass...it's just hard while I'm "walking through the fire"...and inflammation throughout your body DOES feel like I am walking through fire.

Not able to even shower or dress or get up longer than to get a drink of water, so Mom and I are living on these medical nutrition drinks that supply all the necessary nutrients. I am praying for strength to drive Mom to her doctor in another town tomorrow. I am afraid of the way I will pay for that trip afterwards, because I know how my body reacts when I overdo when I feel this bad. Hoping not to end up in the hospital, but maybe that's where I should be, to get the care and treatment that would help me get well. I just have not gotten an emergency room Dr. willing to take on such a complicated case as mine yet, so they send me home to suffer. I can't get to see my own Dr., because I can't wait for weeks for an appointment, and even if I got an appointment tomorrow, I could not sit up in the waiting room for the 2 hour wait that it takes to see her, but she is not allowed to come to the emergency room to see me or treat me there either. It makes me wonder what is the purpose of having a Dr. if I can't get them to treat me when I am too sick to even sit up.

Sorry to complain. I'm just emotionally and physically overwhelmed right now, as all humans can get. Thanks for your patience with me.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

For those of you who get tired of reading long articles or books online, or who have a hard time seeing the small print or the screen, A gift for you. It reads from your computer and you can choose which voice you want, it reads WORD, PDF and Internet Explorer. Its free.

Monday, 4 January 2010

"The butterfly often forgets that it used to be a caterpillar." Swedish Proverb

I love that quote, because right now I feel like I'm in ANOTHER caterpillar stage, and I am making a new life, trying to fix me emotionally and physically, soon I will be a butterfly! So if you could be a butterfly, what would you be? I would either be the little tiny pure white pearly one, or the big blue south American blue iridescent one in the picture above. That is a tree covered by them, eating the sap off the bark. It can also go the other way. Look at who you are today. You have grown so much through your trials. You used to be a caterpillar, only allowed to see things from the ground. You didn't have the insight or the knowledge or wisdom that you have now, after going through your trials and learning the lessons that come as rewards to those trials. Those trials are the tight, confining cocoon that you break out of, making you into a butterfly.

I am reading the coolest book! It's called "Highly Sensitive Persons-How to thrive in a world that overwhelms you"., by Elaine Aron. She has written about 7 books about the newly discovered personality trait. I found websites and monthly newsletters that go along with it, and blogs by sociologists that specialize in HSPs (Highly Sensitive Persons) and write articles about them. It is changing me! I thought I was burned out emotionally, and that my nerves were shot; and that I couldn't function in the world anymore, and this shows me that none of that is true, I do not have ADD or hyperactivity, I am highly sensitive physically, emotionally and spiritually. It tells ways to adjust to things that overwhelm you, and listed so many signs of that personality that suit me to a TEE! Maybe I'll get less sensitive and more useful to the world, able to cope with stress more, more hard skinned. I am not reading it as fast as I wish because I'm having a hard time concentrating while grieving, and hard time retaining info, so I have to read it again and again. I am also re-experiencing all the trauma from my first husband leaving, like post traumatic stress disorder, but even so, I do feel comfort and strengthened and I'm even getting a lot of insight as to why this is a good thing. I get more ideas every day of what God protected both my husband and I from. I just am hating the thought of being alone, but I'll take it one day at a time like every other widow or divorced woman in the world.

In case you are interested in this Highly Sensitive Persons info, here are the websites that my mom and daughter and I have found to be ENLIGHTENING, changing our lives. Almost all HSPs get conditions such as migraines, TMJ or CFS, fibromyalgia, auto immune disease (lupus is one of dozens) or scoliosis. It's the way our system is trying to adapt to our world and trying to balance what overwhelms us. Some of these sites have signs and quizzes and tests to see if you are Highly Sensitive.

I am gaining a bit more strength since I stopped doing the constant legal paperwork, and I hope to keep getting stronger. I even started losing weight, because constant stress makes you hold onto fat, and the stress has been easing....even WITH the feeling of loss. It's STILL not as hard as the torment from all the legal work, and the daily wondering how I would be able to do even the most basic things for 2 people, not just 1, and the constant "living in limbo", not being able to make any decisions for 6 years, because the decision for everything would be different depending on whether my future would have 2 people or just me.

New Year, New Hope, New Beginnings, New Life!

Start becoming the best person you can be, one baby step at a time. You are in competition only with who you used to be. You are not in competition with anyone else on earth.

There are too many people in this world to meet everyone, too many even in your city, so the Lord specially selects people to send into your life who you can teach or learn from. Each person in your life was put there for a reason. Some move on after the lesson is learned, some stay friends forever, but know that God has put them there as a gift.

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