‘Jersey Shore’ Season 5 Premiere: TV Recap

After spending part of New Year’s Eve day watching the “Jersey Shore” marathon on MTV (and wondering why Sam and Ron didn’t break up for good), I’m just about ready to welcome back our orange friends. When we left them in October (coming home from Italy), the Situation was thinking not going to Seaside, there was enough Snooki/Jionni drama to last 2 seasons (but strangely no Sammi/Ronnie drama), Jenni was boring and Deena showed her lady parts to most of Italy.

Now, in the gang is back in dirty Jerz, ready to wreck its usual havoc on Seaside, its clubs and its inhabitants. From the previews, we see the Snooki/Mike situation hasn’t gotten any less tense….one wonders how the first episode home will play out? Also, are Ron and Sam even together? As of October 2011, they were not; so they broke up right after this filming. Does this mean we get more of them being done in Season 5? (Their reconciliation in Italy was quite romantic and drama-free — Ron told Us Weekly that Florence was a “highest point in their relationship”…compare that to when he broke her glasses and trashed her stuff last time they were in Seaside, and Florence was a dream boat). What will Season 5 bring?

There is no rest for the weary. Straight from Florence to Jersey. (I’m thinking after the explosions between everyone in Italy, going straight to Jersey with no time to decompress means they’re going to kill each other.)

Being in Italy has made the gang really miss Jersey, they can’t wait to get back to Jersey, especially Pauly – he needs a haircut, a tan and a gym ASAP. Ronnie said he feels like he was at boarding school and America is his mother and he’s coming home to his mother. So does that mean he likes America or no?

Issues arise immediately upon landing – the roommate thing comes up again. Snooki says she peed in her bed last year so why would anyone want it? (Note to others who rented the Jersey Shore house – hope you didn’t sleep there). They end up keeping their same room assignments as last year. Sam is mad….she was the one who started the whole “I don’t want to room with Mike” drama.

Aw, there’s really no place like home. Their excitement is hilarious.

Some immediate highlights:

Vinny humps Pauly to “break in the bed like old times.”

Ron says if Mike gets involved in his relationship, he’ll “be forced to put his bed on the porch.”

Snooki drinks straight from the pickle container

Danny says “this is the palest I’ve ever seen you. You’re all Vinny’s color.” Danny offers to take them out for drinks the following night to hear about their Italy stories. It’s really the least he can do for them since they put his store on the map.

The boys head out right away to GTL- they’re losing weight and getting pale, it’s like the end of civilization, Mike says. Pauly runs into the tanning salon saying he has an emergency – he wants the max tan and he wants to go twice. Then they head to the gym, the laundromat and the hair cut place. They are so happy to be back in America with American barbers — “They know how to fade, shape up and tape up.” Vinny’s hair is a mixture of a mullet, mohawk and fauxhawk. (As you see from the live feed from Seaside, Vinny’s kept the fauxhawk thing going. I personally like him better with his old haircut.)

Snooki calls Jionni because she doesn’t know where they stand…last time she spoke to him was when the whole Vinny thing. No answer. I’m thankful.

The gang goes to meet Danny at Captain Hook’s and it’s a huge surprise party for the gang! Jionni is there, Roger is there, their families are there. We see Jenni’s dad (no resemblance whatsoever)…Mike’s brother, Snooki’s dad, Vinny’s mom, Vinny’s Uncle Nino (drunk and hitting on everyone.). Ron says Nino is the ultimate creeper and should get the smush room. Ha.

Jenni points out that the night can get ugly really fast because there’s a lot of unfinished business between Snooki and Jionni and Jionni and Vinny and Jionni and Mike. Pauly points out that he’d feel like a loser if he was Jionni- if he was in the room with the guy that slept with his girlfriend. Mike is excited because The Unit and Ryder are there as well – the witnesses between whatever happened (or didn’t happen) between Mike and Snooki. Snooki and The Unit start right away, Ryder takes him to the other side of the bar, but that doesn’t stop Snooki from yelling at him. Mike tells her not to instigate anything with The Unit because he will say something to Jionni if she keeps going. She’s in tears.

Ron tells the camera that he believes that Snooki is guilty, by the way she was acting. “It’s that guilty conscience” he says. He should know.

Jenni asks The Unit what happened. He says “he saw everything and if she wants to try to bring down my night I’m going to bring down her night.”

(during the commercial break they cut to the gang live down in Seaside. Jenni says Snooki and Mike’s drama followed them all the way back to Jersey; Ron says “at least it wasn’t me and Sam”; apparently things are about to get dirty.)

Jenni tells Snooki that she has to walk away from all this at the house as to not involve Jionni in all this.

Mike can hardly contain himself since The Unit, Ryder, him, Snooki and Jionni are going to be in the same house tonight. “This is hurricane situation and it’s heading straight for Snooki island.” Mike tells The Unit he has to be prepared, and asks him if he wants a white or black tank top. The Unit prefers to go with no shirt. The Unit and Mike take their pants off in front of Sam, she immediately leaves the room. “Is it supposed to smell like skunk up here?” Jenni asks as Unit and Mike spray their cologne. How do they get so many girls if they smell like a skunk?

Snooki gets Jionni into her room as soon as possible and shuts the door. Everyone goes out on the deck except those two. This displeases Mike, who was hoping for fireworks.

Pauly and Ryder are flirting, and it’s bothering Deena because she’s always wanted to get with Pauly. Eventually one thing leads to another…Sam points out that Ryder’s been riding around this house…Vinny, The Unit, now Pauly. Aw, poor Deena. Pauly says he’s not sure what to do since she’s technically Vinny’s sloppy seconds, and since he doesn’t want to be rude, there’s only one thing to do. Vinny, who’s in bed, doesn’t seem to care, but does point out that it’s like guido bingo. The jokes about Ryder’s tendencies continue the next morning. They are funny but mean.

Snooki and Jionni have to come out of the room some time, and they pick the time when Mike and Unit are sitting outside her door. She takes Jionni to the deck immediately as Unit says “That has to be the nicest guy I’ve ever met.” Mike follows them out and tells her that she ought to apologize to Unit. She does, saying that it’s not her and she doesn’t like apologizing to people. Unit doesn’t believe her; she tells Unit she has anger issues. Mike says he’s surprised Snooki apologized because now if they “do something” it makes them look bad. He’s not worried though – they have the whole summer. He really won’t let this go.

Vinny’s all emotional after seeing his family, transitioning back to Jersey, and probably can’t stand the stupid drama that’s still brewing between Mike and Snooki. He’s homesick after being away all summer, and he tells Ron that he’s depressed. Dr. Ron asks Vinny what makes him happy and he says seeing his family for real, not just seeing them for one night. He needs an escape. Ron says that since Vinny is so taken care of at home, being away is hitting him hard. If Vinny’s hungry his mom feeds him, if he’s dirty his mom wipes his ass. Ron and Deena think that Vinny should get a stripper or a hooker.

Instead they all go to Aztec. Pauly makes it his mission to get Vinny a chick to get him out of his funk, but man are there a lot of grenades out there. Vinny isn’t feeling it. Pauly takes him home — bros before hos.

Meanwhile at Aztec, Jionni buys Mike a shot…then 10 more. Mike says Jionni’s being so nice, “if he only knew.” Jionni tells Snooki that “Mike’s a nice guy.” Ha. Snooki tells Jionni Mike’s being fake; “watch my back with Mike and you, he’s going to try to be shady.”

Dr. Ron and Dr. Pauly try talking to Vinny again; he said his brain isn’t working anymore, he has nothing left in him and he’s home sick. He has nothing left in him and he can’t do it anymore. Ron says going out, listening to music and being around girls might help – just make it through the weekend. Pauly reminds him they have work tomorrow. (That would put me in a deeper funk, honestly- working at a t-shirt shop). Vinny says he’s about to bounce because he has nothing left to give. “I want to go home.”

(from the previews of the season it looks like he does. Other things to look forward to – Snooki throws milk at Mike, Jenni gets into a fight with someone on the phone, Mike says he could get “sitched” up aka married, and Danny even hangs a help-wanted sign and says he’s looking for a new roommate.)

Fun tip of the day: During some internet research to see if Vinny did really leave (and come back, after all how much is he getting paid? A report came out earlier this year claiming the core cast members were earning $100,000 per episode for Season 4, Vinny can’t be that far behind.) I found out that Vinny had a decent life before Jersey Shore – he graduated from CUNY College of Staten Island with a 3.9 GPA and was a political aide for a New York State Assemblyman. He had planned to attend law school before Jersey Shore became popular. Interesting.

So what do you think? Is Mike right to continue stirring up trouble? Is Vinny leaving/coming back? When will the Ron/Sam drama begin? Sound off in the comments.