A/N: This was requested by
OMG Ish Luff, who is awesome and had the one-hundredth review on my
fic Hello Lovely, I Hate You. :3 Sorry it took so long, honey. xD
But, I really like it and so I hope everyone else will too! I love
dark, angst-y KakuHida, so this was a lot of fun. -grin- Enjoy!

~Insert super-duper disclaiming
action here~

--

Euphoria

There were two things in the world
that Hidan loved: Jashin and Kakuzu. For Hidan to love something,
he really had to love it. Throwing that word around loosely
wasn't something he did. Love meant utter, unconditional
submission simply because you trusted in whatever it was that you
couldn't live without.

He could count plenty of reasons
why he loved Jashin. As for Kakuzu though, Hidan was still having
issues with finding these reasons. He thought he had them, but then
just as soon as he was sure he could name them with all his heart, he
found himself doubting them all the same.

"Kakuzu, you make me crazy."

How many times had he kissed
him?

"Kakuzu, you make me so
crazy."

How many times had he slept
next to him?

"So crazy…"

But how many reasons did he
have for loving him…?

"Kakuzu."

A big blank space flashed in
Hidan's mind. Why did he love him? As he wondered that, he
noticed another blank space. When had Kakuzu ever returned that word
'love'? Hidan knew his partner didn't talk much. He preferred
using money or actions to get his point across. Yes, there was
tenderness in his touch, but the insecurity nagging in his gut
wouldn't go away.

He shoved it out of his head every
time it tried to come, grimacing in distaste. Of course Kakuzu loved
him. Of course he did.

--

The warm blood splattered on his
face made him grin, and the searing pain in his chest brought a long
sigh of happiness from his throat. "Ohh, that fucking hurts.
Ouch. Oh, that's fucking good…"

Kakuzu watched boredly as the
albino finished his ritual. Leaning against a tree trunk, he
drawled, "Would you hurry up? This is already the second time
today you've held us up. Time is money, haven't I told you
before?"

"Aw, spoil sport." He rose,
pulling the pike out of his chest with a grunt. "Fuck! Ouch."
A wide smile was on his face, though. Nothing like a lovely dose of
suffering to make him feel better. It was impossible to let anything
get to him after bleeding a while. When Jashin, was pleased, Hidan
was pleased. He was happy, and not just smiling in sadistic mirth
because the world was so pathetically stupid.

Oh Jashin, it was so pathetically
stupid. So many heathens, so little time…

Putting away his collapsible pike,
Hidan came padding to Kakuzu. Stretching his arms, he sighed with
pleasure as he leaned his head against his lover's shoulder. "Ah,
that was great. You are missing out, Kakuzu-chan."

The Jashinist's shoulders
slumped, but he stopped commenting and shuffled along awkwardly.
Kakuzu was being a bitch again. What the hell was his problem? All
he was trying to do was make a little conversation…walking for ages
in silence was so boring. Eventually he swallowed and mentioned,
"So, um. Did you get a new mask? It looks good…"

Without turning to look at him,
Kakuzu said dryly, "Why are you trying to make small talk? Tell
me, how is that going to get us back to the base faster to deliver
this money?"

"Jashin, you are PMSing, aren't
you?!" Hidan snapped back, balling his hands into tight fists.
Fine. Kakuzu was right, there was no fucking point. He was only
going to shoot down everything he said anyway.

"Someday I swear I am going to
kill you. I mean it."

Out of habit, Hidan returned,
"Yeah, like you could pull it off…" But his joy from the daily
ritual had worn thin, and he was actually wondering now if Kakuzu
would kill him. Not physically, because even he wasn't good enough
for that, but something inside Hidan was just wondering…just
wondering a little if hurting something inside his heart and head
would count as killing him. Would it? For good measure, he repeated
himself, "Like you could pull it off."

Just in case Kakuzu could pull
it off in one way or another.

--

By nightfall they were still only
about halfway back to the hideout (and of course Kakuzu was blaming
Hidan's long prayers for the hold up), so it was agreed they would
spring for a room at the dingy inn they came upon.

Grudgingly handing over a few bank
notes to the manager, the miser didn't hide his contempt. Hidan
shrank back against the wall, pouting. Motherfucking guilt trips!
Did his partner have to be so into putting his on these
motherfucking guilt trips all the time?!

Kakuzu got their key and Hidan
followed him up the stairs. "Um…are you pissed at me cuz this is
expensive?"

"Hm? No."

What the fuck? That was shocking
beyond shocking. "Have you gone senile?!"

"Those were counterfeit, you
idiot." Kakuzu chuckled, amused. "It's called I'm a greedy
bastard, and it's not like anyone expects people from the Akatsuki
to be model citizens. If you haven't noticed, we're classified
as evil S-ranked criminals. I think somewhere along the line we
might be doing something illegal…"

He wrinkled his nose, crossing his
arms across his chest. "Damn it, would you stop making me feel
fucking inferior for one minute?!"

The tall man bristled at first, but
too a breath and relaxed. "Sorry then," he murmured, turning the
key in a door at the end of the hall. It creaked open, and he
announced, "Here."

He'd said the word sorry? Him?
Okay… That was new. "I'm not tired, so do you care if I
leave one light on?" He said carefully, no sure about the freaky
random mood swings.

"Good," Kakuzu set down his
suitcase and strode over, snaking his arms around Hidan's waist.
"Because I'm not tired either." He whispered seductively,
pulling off his mask and nipping his partner's ear.

Hidan shivered and moaned softly, a
slight smile on his lips. See? He doesn't hate me. He doesn't
want to kill me.

I know he'd never kill me.

A long tendril crept out
from Kakuzu's arm and caressed Hidan's neck. The Jashinist spun
around in a heavy kiss, but Kakuzu pushed him backward, slamming him
into a wall. Hidan grinned, not caring that he couldn't' breath.
Being with him like this made happy, made him ecstatic, made him
alive. It made him absolutely crazy, yes, sure, but that was how he
liked it. This euphoric pleasure bubbling rampant through his veins.
He was in it for the high, this high, and as long as the high kept
coming back to him, he'd stay happy. As long as he could have
Kakuzu so close like this it would prove it would all turn out okay,
right?

There would always be another high.

There would always be another
night…

Tell me I'm right…

Their cloaks discarded,
Kakuzu was leading him steadily to one of the beds. Without breaking
their lips, Hidan slid a hand under Kakuzu's shirt. Tugging it up,
they pulled away from each other just long enough to get it off.
Kakuzu moved to leave his mark on Hidan's neck while they fumbled
with their pants as well.

If Kakuzu wanted him, that meant he
didn't hate him. Even though he annoyed the shit out of him and
consistently ruined his schedule, he didn't hate him.

"Kakuzu-chan," Hidan whispered
hoarsely, "I love you."

He stopped a second, standing
awkwardly rigid. "That's…good." He muttered, and Hidan's
heart sank some. He clung to the stitched-nin, desperate to have his
words given back someday.

Inside Kakuzu's arms it was warm,
and he let the warmth sink back into his heart. At least he was safe
there. At least he felt safe. He wanted closer, but for now
this seemed to be the closest he could get…

--

"Okay, Mr.
I'm-A-Jashinist-So-I'm-Better-Than-You, what's wrong, un?"

"Fuck off, Blondie." He
grunted sourly, throwing a potato chip at Deidara's stupid neon
head. "Nothing's wrong." He and Kakuzu had made it back to
the Akatsuki lair, and was sufficiently pissed off enough to start
with. Obviously Deidara didn't know what was good for him.
(Decidedly, bothering and angry, depressed Hidan was not.)

"Jesus, what did I do, un?"
The bomber hissed, dodging the flying chip. He paused and laughed
bitterly. "Never mind, I take that back. I meant 'Jashin,
what did I do?'. I promise, un. Really."

Deidara smiled sweetly and plopped
down next to him on the couch. "Nope, un! I refuse to let you
wallow alone. And believe me, un, you are wallowing. What did
Kakuzu do, un?""You know about Kakuzu?!" Hidan gasped,
staring at him in shock. "Tell me we're not as obvious about it
as you and Sasori! Seriously, you two are so lovey, it's
sickening—" His voice caught. At least they are
lovey.

Dammit, Hidan had been hoping
Blondie would get carried away with his own love life and forget
about the albino's. Heaving out a long sigh, Hidan fractured and
gave in. Maybe since he was a self-proclaimed 'hopeless romantic'
he could have at least somewhat of an idea of what to do.
"Kakuzu isn't exactly open about anything. I mean, I don't
fucking, like, expect him to be, but even when it's only us…even
when we're…"

Deidara was grinning like a fool.
"Getting it on, un?" He suggested.

"Would you shut up, Blondie?!"

"Hee! Sorry, un. I couldn't
resist."

"Jashin, you are so fucking
stupid. How does Red stand you?!"

"Meh, you're one to talk,
Hidan. How does Kakuzu stand you?" That comment was met by a
frozen, hopeless look in Hidan's eyes, Deidara cringed and
apologized, "Ah. I guess I shouldn't have said that, un. So
it's really that bad with him right now, un?"

Hidan nodded slowly, his brain a
dark, throbbing mess. "Like I wonder sometimes of he even…cares."

The bomber laughed bitterly.
"Because if you ask me, you're looking desperate for some help,
un."

Damn it. Being noticeably fucked
up was what he hated the most… He sighed, "Really?"

"Really, un."

Hidan crinkled the potato chip bag
loudly just to fill the stinging silence. Painful silences made him
twitch. "Jashin. I don't know what to do. Um…I have a
question, Blondie. So listen the fuck up. you know this shit isn't
easy for me, and I don't wanna have to say it again."

"Sure, un…"

Hidan sucked in a deep breath and
spat out the words quickly. "How often does Sasori say he loves
you?"

Deidara blinked when he first heard
it. "Oh." He said. Apparently that wasn't the sort of
questing he'd been anticipating. "Oh." He contemplated, and
Hidan could plainly tell that his heart was glowing inside. "I
don't know, un. A lot, actually. You probably wouldn't think a
puppet could say that, but…" Fuck, he was glowing so much! "But
yeah, un. Danna's very sweet. Very, very sweet, un…!"

Shit.

Shit on a stick!

"Jashin damned motherfucker…!"
Hidan whispered in a low hiss, staring helplessly at his hands. He
was so afraid he would receive that answer. If even someone like
Akasuna no Sasori could tell his lover that, then shouldn't a
bastard like Kakuzu? If they really loved a person? Couldn't
they? Couldn't they say it?

Two words and Hidan could avoid all
of this desperate, desolate shit between nights with him. Two words
and he would always feel needed, not just during those nights.

Two words and he could make it
better. The bandage could cover the wound and Hidan wouldn't have
to turn to motherfucking Deidara for help.

It was honestly humiliating for
him. Humiliating and there was nothing he could do about it.

I might as well come out and say
it already. I know I've been wondering it fir a while now, but I
don't want to believe it. I don't fucking want to believe it.
"Blondie," he started wearily, "Do you think Kakuzu has
been using me for sex…?"

There. He'd said it. Finally
he'd gotten it out and said it aloud. Finally…finally.

He wondered why it didn't make
him feel any better.

Deidara fumbled around for
something to say. Hidan could understand why. Seriously, what did
a person say back to that? He sure as hell didn't have any
clue. If he had a clue, he'd be solving things himself, Jashin
damn it.

After a long deliberation, Deidara
questioned, "Are you sure, un?"

Throwing his head back against the
cushion, Hidan groaned, "I don't know! That's why I'm
asking you, Blondie! Okay, look. I've told him that I love
him. I do not say that. Ever. To anyone or about anything.
Period. But I've told it to him, damn it, to him. And all he does
is…"

"Is, un?"

"Nothing." He said blankly,
"He does nothing. Like, if he would even kiss me in public I would
know he did, but…nothing."

Crying out in frustration, he
slammed his head back a few more times. Great. Wonderful.
Absolutely peachy. Everything was so pathetic he had a satirical
urge to start gagging out laughter so long and hard that he'd loose
his voice. Maybe if he lost his voice he'd stop making the mistake
of handing Kakuzu his heart on a shish kabob skewer to eat up and
chew on as he pleased. "You're a lot of fuckin' help,
Blondie!"

That made him wince. "All I have
to say is maybe to go ahead and ask him out right, un ask him if he
is using you for…"

"Like I could do that." His
stomach was churning only thinking about it. Deidara didn't
understand how difficult a person Kakuzu was even when he was in a
good mood. He was never the most pleasant company in the world…
Ha, well, but that was part of the reason masochistic Hidan did love
him.

Funny, he thought, how he was a
lifelong masochist who wanted out of the torture… The ultimate
irony, he found it to be.

Still, he knew his idea of Kakuzu
using him was a wild notion. He was an insufferable beast of a man,
but he wasn't awful enough to do things like that. Only…Hidan
still needed that assurance.

"Try, un." Deidara urged him,
"You never know. Maybe he'll break down, un. Maybe you two can
have a happy ending after all."

The Jashinist rubbed a tired eye,
pondering. He was rather bloody desperate. Saying he wasn't
would be such a huge lie. Deidara's plan wasn't anything he
favoured doing at all, but it was also basically the only option if
he wanted to get out of this low as fast as he could. Stay out
of this low for once. The days had been stretched out for ages since
he'd really stayed out of it.

"Hm." He grunted, his mind
sore from stress. "Hm…"

Ask Kakuzu outright, plain and
simple, what he truly felt for him?

Take it or leave it.

Asking was the single, only thing
that lay for taking on the table. He couldn't afford leaving it
any longer.

"Blondie, I'm gonna regret
this, but I will."

"Really, un?" He perked up.
"I guess I should go away now, then. So you can find Kakuzu…
Good luck, un."

The obscure artist turned to
meander off, but Hidan called to him one more time. "Hey, Blondie,
wait!"

He paused in the door frame.
"Yeah?"

"…Thank you, Deidara." Damn.
Tonight he was making such a fool out of himself, wasn't he?
Being grateful to Deidara? Now that had to be a crime. Jashin, that
had to be a crime…

The sculptor smiled. "Any time,
un. Even though you're still a self centered asshole, you're not
so bad sometimes."

"Shut up, fuckface!"

"Nyahh!" Deidara poked his
tongue out and wandered off to find Sasori.

Left the only person in the room
now, the reality started to sink into Hidan. Tonight he was going to
have to confront Kakuzu for the first time.

Confront Kakuzu…

Shit!

--

The thudding of his nervous,
jittery heart against the walls of his chest was hard as he watched
his confusing partner recount his money. Kakuzu must have felt
himself being stared at, because he soon glanced up. "Hidan,"
he greeted, nodding.

Despite swallowing, his throat was
very dry. "Kakuzu, can we talk?"

He gazed carefully back with his
captivating emerald eyes. Fuck, Hidan always got so easily lost in
them… "Talk about what, exactly?"

Again the zealot swallowed, wishing
he had gotten a drink of water before he came here. "About us…?"

"Us?"

"About us." Hidan said the
words with more conviction this time. Without sounding like he meant
it, Kakuzu would probably blow him off like he always did when they
were out on the road together.

"And why is that?"

Here we go. Here we fucking go.
Ah, shit. Damn you Deidara, if he flips out on me I'm going to
kick your fleeting ass! "You promise you'll listen to me?
Not like pretend to listen to me when really you only went back to
counting that dumb wad of money? Seriously?"

The stitched-nin rolled his eyes.
"Yes."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously, damn it! Say
what you want to say, would you?!"

Snippy PMSing bitch. As
much a snippy bitch he was, Hidan still wanted to be needed by him.
"Okay. So lately I've kind of been getting weird signals from
you…?" He looked at him eagerly. "Are you listening?"

"Yes, yes, I'm listening!"
Kakuzu huffed. "Can we get this over with before I forget what
number I was on? Please."

I want to get it over with too,
trust me. "I mean…what I mean is… I guess what my point
is is that you have no problem sleeping with me but you do have one
saying you love me. And…and it scares me, you know?" He
clenched his hands tightly, trying to get them to stop shaking.

Kakuzu seemed frozen in his spot as
he digested the words. Slowly melting off his shock, he murmured in
a disbelieving monotone, "Don't tell me this. Please don't
tell me this, Hidan…"

Hidan winced. "You think I want
to be telling you this?! Because I fucking don't. but I have
to… I have to because I hate being scared, damn it. I'm sick of
it, Kakuzu!"

Beautiful emerald eyes he always
wanted to be look at him, breathing him in.

Loving him…

"Kakuzu-chan, I know you're not
good at words, and I suck at them too, but I need something more than
only this… Once in a while I want to be pampered like Sasori
pampers Deidara… Not all the time, not even half the time, but—"

"Stop it!" He hissed, his eyes
wide and pained. "You're being ridiculous. Don't do this. Of
course I care about you…"

"Prove it, Kakuzu! I need you to
fucking prove it to me! Not only when no one else is looking,
either…" Hidan struggled, "It's almost like you're ashamed
on me.

"Ashamed of you." He repeated
blandly, "Ashamed of you."

"Yeah. That's what it fucking
seems like." Hidan spat out the words as if they were poison.
"Look, I don't want to talk about this any more. It's making
me sick." He admitted, relaxing his tightly balled hands.

Kakuzu sighed. "So what the hell
do you want me to do?"

Damn it. "Prove it, I
said." He muttered, retreating out the door. "Prove it, if you
want to. Or if you even can…"

--

Jashin?

Jashin, are you there…?

So.

That didn't go very well, did
it?

No, I didn't think so either…

Ahh.

Yeah, Hidan felt pretty royally
fucked.

--

When he passed Hidan in the hallway
in the morning, Deidara had Sasori in tow. Seeing the kings of fluff
together in all their romantic glory didn't do much for the
albino's good natured-ness. "Don't say a fuckin' word,
Blondie. Not a fuckin' word."

Deidara cringed and disobeyed him
the very moment he ordered him to be quiet. "Oh. This really went
that badly, un?" His fingers entangled with Sasori's for comfort.
No doubt he was afraid Hidan might hit him for talking…

Instead of bashing his face in,
Hidan only groaned. "Dammit, do you ever listen to a word I say?!"

"Nope, un!" Deidara grinned.

"I can't see why he would want
to." Sasori offered, "Since you're such an uncouth idiot with
no appreciation for art… Nevertheless, I must say I'm sorry
about your, ah…problem with Kakuzu."

He blinked, realizing what the
puppet master had said. "Oh fuck, Deidara!!" He wheeled
on the bomber. "You told him, too?! I swear I'm going to scalp
that Jashin damned blonde head of yours!!"

"Lay a hand on him and I will
kill you." The redhead stated simply, glaring daggers. There was
so much menace in his voice Hidan nearly forgot he was supposedly
immortal and the only person who could do anything to hurt him was
Kakuzu. Meep, that puppet was scary when he was pissed off…

"Awh," Deidara smirked, "Thank
you Danna."

"Yeah, whatever." Hidan
huffed, crossing his arms. "Anyway, it sucked. End of story."

"I'm sorry, un…" He sighed
sympathetically. "Have you seen him today yet?"

Shaking his head limply, he
answered, "No. He hasn't even come out of our room. And I
stayed awake all night on the couch being miserable and eating more
fucking potato chips…" All that had accomplished was giving him
a killer stomach ache and making him feel fat. Misery certainly
loved its company, didn't it?

The yellow haired sculptor stared
at him piteously. "I am so sorry, un…"

"Yeah, start a pity party why
don't you…!" He started to complain, but quickly noticed he
didn't have the energy for it nor was he in the mood. Reluctantly,
he murmured, "Well. Somebody better be sorry for me. I'm
fucking exhausted and I've been through hell…"

Deidara's comforting side was in
no short supply. Hesitating only a moment ,he left Sasori and patted
Hidan on the head, and hugged him slightly. "Poor Hidan, un…"

"What the hell is that, Blondie?"
He glowered boredly, too tired to shove him away like he'd have
done any other day. "Sasori no Danna or whatever shitty stupid pet
name you call him is right there, you know."

"I'm having a pity party, un."

"Oh…" He must have been more
tired than he knew, because he just kept standing there until he
heard a door click open.

"Hey, hands off, Blondie! That's
my bitch, you whore!"

"Ka…Kakuzu?" Hidan spun
around, and before he knew it Deidara had been tossed back to Sasori
and he was being urgently kissed by his taller partner. Kakuzu
wasn't wasting any time.

The Jashinist let himself melt,
blindly pulling himself into Kakuzu. Almost feverishly, the
stitched-nin's hands held on to him, tighter than they ever had
before.

Surprised that they were actually
being allowed to see it, Sasori and Deidara watched, the terrorist
blushing with glee. He knew what this meant. It was evident,
watching, what it was that was fueling that kiss. Deidara could see,
and he smiled for Hidan, curling his own hand back into Sasori's
where it belonged.

Deidara could see.

Love.

When it broke, Hidan glanced
nervously at his favourite emerald eyes. "What are you doing?"

"I'm proving it to you."

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