Naked Ambition: Under Pressure

BY Advocate.com Editors

October 14 2010 5:30 PM ET

I chose myself.

However, that summer, alone in a foreign place,
the reality of my decision crashed in around me. Dizzy with regret and
guilt, I buckled under the pressure and decided to give it another shot
with a man. My short foray back into the hetero world proved to be
unsuccessful and very confusing both for me and for the guy I
dragged into that mess.

It was after things ended with him that I
felt the worst. I had tried — really honestly given it the good ol' college
try — and I could not bear being with a man. It just didn’t work for me.

I wrote my best friend and told her I felt like I was falling
into a deep tunnel. Killing myself seemed like the easiest option. I
thought it would be the best way to solve the problems I seemed to cause
simply by being myself.

I reached out to a girl over theI nternet — another American girl living in the same city in Greece. We
met up for dinner. She was funny and kind, and she listened to me.
I’m not sure if she realizes that her compassion saved my life.

Today
I saw the cover of People magazine: "Teenage Suicide." I feel for these
boys. I am the same as all of the boys and all of the girls who cry in
the afternoon and feel like shit because they are different.

I
wish I could say that everything is resolved and that I don’t face
pressure to conform, to tone it down. The truth is that sometimes it’s
still really hard. But I try to stay on my side, and I stick to my
guns. The people I love are learning to accept me and love me even when
I don’t make them happy.

Now I want to fight for those kids who
are suffering. I am joining the Trevor Project, an organization
dedicated to ending suicide among LGBTQ youth.

I want to be a voice at the end of the phone line that says, “You are not alone. We are many. It gets better, so just hold on.”