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New media terminology – enabling hipster mediocrity to flourish

At last we can consign Paradigm Shifts, Compelling Consumer Propositions, Swim Lanes and all that 20th century mumbo jumbo that enabled us all to bullsh*t our way through two decades of mediocrity, to the dustbin of ridicule.

Now as we start to hand over the reigns of power to a younger generation of hopelessly inadequate, unqualified yet surprisingly confident underlings it is gratifying to see that finally they are beginning to stand on their own two feet*.

Although late in coming, our new intake of mediocre managers are finally creating a world of impenetrable, meaningless jargon that can be used to convince others of their supposed intellectual superiority.

Steve Tenants has provided a useful technical text generator for both young and old techno-babbling jedi spawn which may be used to confuse the client/boss. For example:

They’re inside the array, use the optical CD-ROM mainframe to copy their transistor!

Send the auxiliary array into the bandwidth, it will copy the malware by navigating its HDD network!

Use the fibre optic COM monitor, then you can attach the analogue protocol!

In additional to mouthing mindless inanities, youthful would be managers need to display a typical, traditional, one of the herd look so they don’t stand out but blend in with their peers.

For men, add a beard, remove the trouser belt, display pants and walk around permanently clasping a smart phone to a sweaty palm.

For ladies you do not have to grow a beard. Try carrying a large designer handbag in the crook of your arm, with a Starbucks in one hand and phone in other whilst tottering around on a pair of Jimmy Choos.

Here at the I.M.M. we senior executives of course still prefer to wear bespoke suits and club ties although Barry/Sheila our senior accountant does like handbags and wearing Louboutin shoes at weekends.

Any woman who drops the names of her clothes to me in conversation immediately goes on my Do Not Engage list, along with people who put their smartphone on the table in front of them when we get together, Starbucks patrons, and those who answer any question deeper than an inquiry about the weather with “Well, I’m a Christian…”