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Wednesday, 14 March 2018

So we look at the second issue that I promised to discuss in the second part of my previous post and the issue is about a lady who was beaten black and blue with bruises by her husband because she slapped her mother-in-law. And another lady who was also beaten by her husband because she seized his phone as a result of abuse of phone use in the house.

Quite a handful of women maintain that for no reason at all should a man beat his wife and even though I agree to this theory, I will add that for no reason at all should a wife provoke her husband to anger. Life is all about causes and effects. I know that a lot of wives suffer from the hands of aggressive and violent husbands but the truth of the matter is that if a man is exhibiting violent tendencies, there must be reasons behind his behavior and before we throw the baby away along with the birth water we need to check again and have a second thought on cases of violence in marriages.If your marriage is not undergoing spiritual attacks that might generate continuous or frequent conflicts between the husband and his wife, and there are no cases of extra-marital affairs on the part of any of the two, and we have ruled out pair pressure, financial and economic pressure that can cause tension in the marriage and home, then the next thing is for the wife to watch her conduct to ensure that she avoids things that will provoke violence in her marriage. I speak to the wife first because she is the homebuilder, not that husbands too don't provoke their wives to anger but a gentle response the Bible says drives away wrath.

It’s so easy to condemn a man who beats up his wife for any and every reason, God said in Malachi 2:16 that He hates a man who clothes himself with violence as with his garment and so I will not fault anyone who speaks against a violent husband. But we also need to point the searchlight on the wives. I agree that there are some gentle-spirited wives that are grossly maltreated by their husbands, but in the same vein, there are some dangerous mouthed wives too. The Bible says in Proverbs 21:23 that “He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.” When a wife does not have control over her temper and cannot exercise authority over her tongue, then she is in trouble.

It is assumed that a real man should know how to handle difficult marital challenges without being violent, but is that an excuse for the real wives to be uncultured? For as long as a wife would want to be treated like a queen by her husband then she should be ready to treat him like a king first. A beautiful marriage does not just happen it is cultivated. And whatever you sow into your marriage is what you will reap from it. God’s word can never prove false, we learn in Genesis 8:22 that as long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest will never cease.

It is the duty of a woman to build her home, and as she builds it so shall she live in it. No woman should ever think that she is empowered to verbally discipline her husband not to talk of thinking of punishing her husband for wrongdoing. She is a suitable helper to her husband according to the word of God in Genesis 2:18 and not the husband’s disciplinarian.

I do not exonerate the husbands of wrongdoing in marriage but if a woman is living with the notion that she can correct her husband when he is wrong then she should be ready for a lot of marital troubles or challenges. 1 Peter 3:1-2 says it is through the reverence and purity of a godly wife that an unbelieving husband is won over to God. And in my own words, I will say that it is through the purity, reverence, and prayers of a godly wife’s life that her husband is corrected and not by words. If for any reason you try to exert control over your husband in any way no matter how subtle, it will meet with resistance and if you have a husband who does not have control over his emotions, that resistance will be accompanied by violence.

No matter how right you think you are in a marriage, the secret to a successful marriage mostly requires the ability of the wife to be able to stoop to conquer. Marital battles are not fought in words or fist, they are fought on the knees in prayers.

A real wife will not for any and every reason be rude to her mother-in-law not to talk of slapping her. If you cannot raise your hands to slap your mother, then never think of doing that to your mother-in-law. If the Lord has declared that the two have become one in flesh and spirit, then by simple reasoning, you as a wife is your husband in another form. If then you and your husband are no longer two but one and we can reason then that the wife is the husband in another form, then we can also conclude that the wife mother is also the husband’s mother and the husband’s mother is also the wife’s mother. As a wife, you didn’t come out of your husband’s mother’s womb, but because she is your husband’s mother and you and your husband are one, then she has become your mother.

And then God said in Exodus 20:12 that, “Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” So a real woman who is living to please the Lord will follow the instructions for of God her life to honor her husband’s mother who is also her mother by virtue of marriage.

Even if your mother-in-law wrongs you in any way and does not treat you like her child, you who is a real woman who knows the truth of the word of God and is working according to the will of God will do as the word of God says and attract the love of your mother by marriage through the love, respect and honor you show to her. If then she continues to be mean to you, she will surely face the wrath of God. When you do your bit and honor, respect and love your mother-in-law, you give room to God to do His own bit by fighting your battles for you.

I agree and know certainly that two wrongs don’t make a right, so to say that I consent to a husband beating up his wife is not the picture here. But as a wife never do anything whatsoever to provoke your husband to anger. Pray and apply wisdom in relating to your husband in a manner that promotes the peace and joy of your marriage.

Monday, 5 March 2018

I have been reading about people making cases for polygamy lately, most especially on the news media of some African nations. Even a pastor is not even left out in the campaign for polygamy. And one of the arguments I face most in my assignment in helping marriages heal is the call for divorce in the face of tough marital challenges. It’s always a huge task trying to make people who are hurting understand that God can'tbe wrong is saying He hates divorce. It sometimes get to me when men in God's service encourage spouses to get a divorce as a solution for tough marital challenges. People very close to me have taken time to turn their backs on me basically because I tell them there is no marital challenge strong enough to call for a divorce. I still stand my ground and I say it over and over again that if God can heal my marriage then there is no marriage He cannot turn around for good. I didn't have the worse case scenario in my marriage but I must confess that I had my own fair share of tough challenges in marriage, but today I can tell you confidently that marriage is not just sweet, but very sweet. And like a profound marriage counselor often says, it depends on the cutlery you use to eat it. If you are willing and determined to make your business work, and are determined to be the best in your career, then having the best of marriages is only a matter of determination, focus and divine help. The first two depends on you and are variables, the last one is sourced at the throne of God and it's a constant factor that can be relied upon not to fail.

I will break this write-up into two parts because the issues on my mind to write about will be a little too lengthy for just one post so I don't bore you with a lengthy read. I would first want to write on the polygamy campaign and then tell a story of a wife who was beaten black and blue and even had her flesh torn by her husband because she slapped her mother-in-law and another story of a wife who says she was beaten by her husband because she seized his phone because he was doing legit/illegitimate activities with the phone and was abusing phone use in the house.

I am sure you will agree that we have a lot to look at for just one post to contain so it’s just better that we break it into two or even three parts.

But I will want to start with the issue of campaign for polygamy for a man to have peace of mind in his marriage. And where the people making this campaign got their findings from is a mystery to me. If a man is having problems coping with one wife, then how can he cope when he doubles or even triples his number of wives? Rationally thinking, such a man is just multiplying his problems in the proportion with which he mulptiplies his wives.

The major basis for people who argue for polygamy is that for it exist in Bible days and men of God who had more than one wife were not said to be sinners then there is nothing wrong with polygamy. Even if we will buy that argument, the first thing I want to point out is that "in what way did polygamy solve marital problems in Bible days for those who engaged in it?" Rather than polygamy helping marriages, it compounded it. I want to mention at this point that this message is for those who desire to do things God’s way. So it might not apply to everyone but just those who seek to align themselves with the will of God for their lives.

In 1 Timothy 3:1-7, the very first criteria Paul gave for a man seeking to be an overseer is that he must be a husband of just one wife. Now you might think that because you don’t seek to be an overseer this does not apply to you. But if you seek to be the head of your home, then you seek to be an overseer in your home and over your family, then the same rules apply to you. You must be a husband of but one wife.

A lot of people have assumed that Abraham married Hagar while being married to Sarah, and so it’s right. But what we didn’t realize is that in the days when Abraham allowed himself to be talked into that act of polygamy in the pursuit of an heir, God withdrew from him. In Genesis 16:16 we read that Abraham was eighty-six years old when Hagar bore him Ishmael, then the next verse was Genesis 17:1 which says “When Abraham was ninety-nine years old, the Lord appeared to him and said, ‘I am the Lord God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless.” We need to understand that the time difference between Genesis 16:16 and Genesis 17:1 was a long 13years of God's silence in the life of Abraham.

Two things I noticed here, between the time Abraham was eighty-six years of age when he had Ishmael and the time he was ninety-nine years the Lord did not speak or visit Abraham. So to say that if Abraham was operating within the will of God for his life, God will not withdraw from him. And when God showed in his life 13years after, it was to call him back to order. God told Abraham to walk before Him and be blameless. If Abraham had been walking before the Lord before then, God will not make such a call on his life. So when we advocate for polygamy it’s important that we understand that because a few men of God did it does not make it right.

Jacob was another prominent case study on the issue of polygamy. The Bible told us that he labored 14years to marry Rachel. It appeared that Jacob was cheated, he labored 7years for Rachel and was given Leah and so he had to labor another seven years to marry the love of his life. But did we notice that Jacob never even prayed before choosing a wife for himself. Should we not then wonder if truly Leah was God’s choice of a wife for Jacob? If God did not approve of Leah as Jacob's wife, Leah will never be a wife to Jacob.

Jacob married for love and beauty, yet he married a jealous woman, a liar and a thief Genesis 29:31-31:55). So much for love and beauty. Four women had children for Jacob solely as a result of Rachel’s insecurity and jealously yet she was more loved than her sister.

Genesis 29:31 say “When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, He opened her womb, but Rachel remained barren.” This tells me that though Jacob loved Rachel more but God loved Leah more for Jacob. Per-adventure Leah was God’s choice of a wife for Jacob and not the beautiful Rachel. If we read through Genesis 29:31-30:24, we will see how Leah enjoyed God’s favor in her marriage. And I pray that men will see the handwriting of God on their marriages and follow the path of God’s will for their marriages.

In order not to make this post too long and boring, I will just stop at this two polygamous men of God, but we still have men like David and Solomon to consider. But in all, I have observed that polygamy is characterized by issues such as jealousy, rage, strife, malice, backstabbing, unhealthy competition just to name a few. God did not institute marriage for troubles such as this. Marriage is supposed to be a comfort zone for the individuals in it. When you commit your marriage into God’s hands, and you let him lead the way in your marriage you will enjoy it so much that you will not have a thought for polygamy. May the Lord bless our homes in Jesus name.