ROYTERS, 28-Apr-2000 13:00GMT. In a surprise move, a kangaroo court
in Riverside County found Phoenix the Calf guilty of a hate crime
for "mooing in a threatening manner" outside the fence of the Golden
Era studios facility of the Church of Scientology, while paritioners
were peaceably hog-roasting a maintenance worker in an electrical vault.
Deputy D.A. Dick Schitz said today, while seated on the lap of church
spokesman Ken Bollock, that he was happy Phoenix's mooing has prevented
members from walking from the cash dispenser to the chapel shop -- and
he was now going down the bar for a "gottle of geer". Phoenix will be
executed, without appeal, using a lethal injection of horseradish sauce.