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Friday, 13 December 2013

Lowsec Residents Invent New God, Sacrifice Phoenixes on Gate to Him

Lowsec residents followed a tradition set by wormhole dwellers and have declared the existence of a God called 'Steve'. Ground breaking research conducted by several pirate organisations found that Steve grants goodfights after having Phoenixes sacrificed on gates.

Prophets are still working out the details of this new religion, but it seems there will be many parallels between Steve and Bob, the God of Wormholes. The main difference between the two is that while Bob prefers to have Rifters sacrificed at the sun of a wormhole system, Steve prefers a Pheonix that's in the process of making a valiant attempt to jump through a stargate into highsec. We spoke to notorious pirate Tim Bastold about this new cult:

"So far the evidence we've been able to gather on Steve suggests he is some kind of relation to Bob, possibly a brother or cousin, and that he finds retards losing Phoenixes on gates fucking hilarious. He practically shits himself laughing every time he sees an ALOD on TMC involving a Phoenix, and he grants good fights and good luck to those who kill it."

Speculators are already buying up Phoenix blueprints to account for the increase in demand, which is expected to soar from three a month to over twenty. One manufacturer claimed he made a 'fuck tonne' of money selling to those 'retards who believe in god and keep sacrificing Rifters'.

Not everyone agrees with this religion though, Steveophobia has already developed among a couple of lowsec carebears. Sarratov was one of this pair.

"I don't see why everyone needs to make such a big deal about me losing a Phoenix on a highsec gate I was trying to jump through. I mean, how was I supposed to know capitals couldn't jump through gates? It's not like people can be expected to research ships before they buy them, if anyone suggests that they should have a fist lodged in their rectum for being such a tryhard."

Time will tell whether Steveism catches on as much as Bobism has, in the mean time other groups of players are trying to invent new gods, including the Brothers of Tangra's Brian Anti-Prototype Cloaking Device. They report having little success so far.