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GOP Madness, a Look Back

About a year ago, I posted the above graphic on this blog. At the time, I thought it was a funny parody of the GOP’s presidential nomination circus. Looking back, though, I see it was prophetic. Let’s review:

The RINOs. The competitors were Mitt Romney and John Huntsman in the Mormon bracket, and Tim Pawlenty and Mitch Daniels in the Midwest bracket. Romney had an easy time in this region. Pawlenty lost to Daniels in August even though Daniels never entered the race. Poor Tim, he tries his best but every time he starts talking . . . zzzzz . . . sorry, must have closed my eyes for a few seconds. Where was I?

Hunstman was the media’s favorite, but he accidentally filed for the Republican primary. That mistake cost him dearly. Romney trounced him among Democrats in New Hampshire and sowed up the sane GOP vote by February. One fourth of the way there, Mitt!

The Wackos. Herman Cain got a easy first-round win when a long-form birth certificate and a dead Bin Laden sent Donald Trump packing in May, 2011. Ron Paul had a harder challenge from fellow Libertarian Gary Johnson, but in the end Johnson just wasn’t crazy enough to beat everybody’s favorite crazy grandpa. Once Paul dispatched Johnson, he had an easy time beating the crappy-pizza guy. Even Paul’s most stoned supporters sound coherent compared to Herman Cain.

The South. Gingrich had an easy go in this bracket, which is the only reason he stayed in the race as long as he did. Come on, we’re talking about Newt frickin’ Gingrich here! Mike Huckabee and Haley Barbour never showed up (must have been an all-you-can-eat buffet nearby) forfeiting the first round. Buddy Roemer made it to the second round, but nobody noticed.

The Crazies. Break out the tin foil! The fight between Teabaggers Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin lasted into the fall only because Palin couldn’t make up her mind whether to run or not. The longer she stalled, the more attention she got. If only she could have stalled all the way to Tampa, she’d have been set. As it is she had to decide and once she did everyone stopped paying attention to her. Sorry Sarah, it was fun while it lasted—if your idea of fun is fingernails on a chalkboard and a sharp stick in the eye.

Meanwhile, in the Crusaders bracket, Rick Santorum got a free pass when Roy Moore injured himself trying to carve the Ten Commandments into the side of Mount Rushmore with a flaming copy of the Quran (Or was that just a weird dream I had?). Once it came down to Bachman vs. Santorum it was no contest, thanks to a voting demographic that longs for an age when a woman’s place was in the kitchen and Google didn’t exist.

If you don’t get the Google joke, please don’t try it. I beg you, for the love of all that is good and holy, just don’t.

The Final Four. The creator of this diagram nailed it: Romney, Paul, Gingrich, and Santorum. I might have shifted the brackets around to ensure a Romney vs. Paul final—given that Ron Paul doesn’t acknowledge defeat (or taxes, or regulations, or fiat currency, or heliocentrism . . .)—but otherwise I’m impressed.

I can’t take credit for the March Madness theme—and granted it was a year-long race—but I was amazed at how well the results fit the graphic. Putting the humor aside, the creator of the image really nailed down the demographics of the current GOP.

That one day, we will all hold hands and D A N C E in heaven, like birds on trees, being moved by the warm magnolia breeze, like purple annuals and yellow perennials growing in the same garden of love.