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Caffe Strada to bolt down tables after entire table stolen with laptop

Popular study spot Caffe Strada is not losing just its customers due to an increase in stolen laptops — its expensive outdoor tables are also being stolen. The Berkeley Police Department is absolutely befuddled as to how it can stop laptop thefts, let alone table thefts, for good.

On Friday, March 30 at 7:42 p.m., yet another laptop was stolen from Caffe Strada. This time, however, the suspect was last seen fleeing, or at least trying to, southbound on College Avenue with an entire table in tow and the laptop under their other arm.

At first, many onlookers did not see the laptop, as they were only focused on the person running with an entire table. It took several minutes for the onlookers to realize that the individual was the getaway thief.

“We’re so fed up with these thefts and feel bad that they’re driving students away from studying in the evenings at our cafe,” Caffe Strada barista Capp Ccino expressed. “Our No. 1 priority, aside from serving quality drinks, of course, is our customers’ safety, and as such, we’ve decided to take extra safety measures.”

On the morning of April 1, workers were seen with drills in hand, bolting each and every table down to the ground. They were also seen drilling holes on the edge of each table and looping laptop cable locks through the holes.

“We commend Strada employees for the innovative idea,” BPD spokesperson Smol Latte said. “BPD was so focused on preventing further laptop thefts that we neglected to focus on tables. Tables aren’t cheap.”

Ccino believes that bolting down tables and providing free cable locks, along with free Wi-Fi service, is a valuable incentive to win back customers and their trust.

“At the end of the day, we just like to see our customers with smiles on their faces. That’s all we really want.”

While BPD is still looking for the laptop and table thief, the department is hopeful the suspect will feel guilty upon seeing Caffe Strada’s new safety measures and return the table, if not the laptop.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

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The Daily Clog (Cal+Blog) accumulates various tidbits about Berkeley and college life. We focus on the UC campus, the city of Berkeley and Berkeley’s online community. We give our two cents on all the goings-on.