addiction how and why it began

Like most people they know their mom and they know their dad and their extended family well. As a child things happend to me that shouldn't happen to a child and even at the age of 5, I... Could feel things, I was taken to a counselor where my mother blamed me for a situation she purposely put me in knowing what could have happened to me.. I only have little flashes of memory of the man I never forget his face because I could feel that counselor was pretending... And so began my mistrust in people and in my mother and Father as time went on the same event happened but I didn't speak of it I was sheltered in a attempt to protect me from the world but when I went into the world as a child it happend again my psyche as a child developed abnormally feelings and actions to things because of these small events later in my life it presented challenges, It made me grow with a void it, Made me manifest sociopathic tencies I to this day do not have a long term friend and to this never had a relationship where the woman stayed faithful to me...

The other little glitch I remember is when my mother took me to another counselor he pretened to be interested in what I was doing acting like he cared as a child I felt such hatred that was all I knew that was me my mother and father decided to take the doctors orders and get me Ritalin I had anger and hate but not boiling fuming rage where if I could I'd nurse someone as a small boy I took what my mother said to and after those weeks not taking it one day my mother for some reason hugged me to restrained me and cried and I had so much anger and hatred flash out never before had I went against her like that and that is when anger and hatred became normality.
I grew up the small kid, the short kid this is when people bullied me, but I saw in them flaws and so I pulled their emotions as a child I could see so well what I was lacking my bullies left me alone the biggest one befriended me or so it went...

As life went on I moved schools a new place new kids I was the smart one the one who could do bad things and not feel bad the trouble maker but also then one with so so much potential... Everyone said that liteally every teacher who ever met me has spoken the same words... I did not become a bully though like most victims do because I supposed I wasn't weak and sad like they were but oddly...everyone's liked me I was now on the other side of the tracks... And I didn't know how to act I had no emotion for that so I did what I knew tried to walk both paths do school work make trouble all something...

As I grew more I gained a girlfriend and this is when I learned I am different I lack love because I did not care for her I... Felt she's someone innocent and said I "loved" her but all the kissing and touching was not my desire It was to make her feel "loved"no there are secrets about me I don't speak of ... And as a child I learned mistrust I did not trust her despite that she was in love with me or the closest thing to it at the time. I told her secrets...I broke my mask I told her things... And she betrayed me she lied and cheated like my mother lied and tried to cheat out of her grave mistake. My girlfriend who claimed she felt love a emotion I see and mimic but didn't feel and she lied to my face I looked at her with hate and disgust the mask was coming off and the inner me was coming out she cried before I said a word and instead of cussing or screaming I did something more damaging I simply said calm in a relaxed tone " you will never see the real me you will never fill a void you are no longer special you are a common person" we stayed together she cheated two more times, After the first time I had no interest in her she claimed I was her first love but I refused to take her virginity because I know what devastation it would cause her when I left, so I left her with a gift she didn't understand until she grew up.

As time went on I moved schools I began not caring I began to notice my intellect and that I was not like everyone else void of many things anger was my normality. As time goes on the relationship with my parents are them trying to understand me. I get into highschool I did not make friends at first I can honestly say there is a few that I truly "cared" about I felt that emotion with them with others I emulated it when I got to end of freshman year I began to think bigger questioning many things and my mistrust in things grew and that sparked my interest in being Satanic because rules... To me are something that cannot be changed or worked around a law and I began to see... A pattern throughout my life I studying Satanism and loved it... It spoke to me it felt like my calling..
But then I smoked weed and I felt it was the beginning step to the crossroad the small amount of Satanic knowledge I read I instantly remember and recall it every one this day it always remained in the back of my mind as I used drugs more I realized I actually don't like being high I felt I was weaking my sharp intellect and perception to manipulate that I was losing my power to become one of the weak I kept going and going until I got into it to far and got a burglary charge and some weed charges and then the group of "friends" I decided to go against my instinct of "trust no one weak" I did anyways with drugs and that I changed my view a bit eventually they turned on me... Like rabid wolves but I was able to once again manipulate the weak minded and the fools let me be during this time the girlfriend that I was with then set me up... Once again another at act of "love" and she did what my mom did...

I stormed off home fuming mad that so low class worthless drug addicts would have had me I had to get power back then it clicked Satanism I joined with the thought of power and protection but had a conflict inside me and I knew that was not right for once I felt that it would be wrong to be selfish I dedicated though and after I did feel different... I felt that part of me was placed back in it was something words cannot describe as I walked my Satanic path I came across the woman I love my Wife and I remember one day I sat down and spoke saying "I don't want help I want the tools necessary to Create my dreams" at The time I felt power in it but knew it would be a long lesson learned overtime.I was clean but relapsed I felt my work had been undone I fucked up things now I got past it and eventually turned 18 and was released from probation at this point my parents look at me as their enemy their first born was just someone they wanted out and so I left and throughout the next 2 years I slept on the streets with my wife through hurricane Isaac (son was born when they were evacuating the towns and tropical storm Lee we stayed in crack neighborhoods that twisted me towards hatred I slipped and kept doing doings and alcohol cordicinds and my Satanic path began fading and so did hope but I felt that there is a end there is always a end me and my wife stayed through it we endured so much... She endured my overdoses that landed me in the hospital as I strayed Father from reality and my path but although nothing made sense...

I see the tools I asked for where granted to me through unseen means when my son was born we left back to Arizona and that was when one of the trials were over we got through it got a tool we needed... I gained... Love this woman was different my son was different I never felt love until them until my son but... As we got to Arizona my drug and alcohol problem caused by I many problems and it causede to lose my family and Job later on... As I sat in jail... Feeling lost feeling like I wasn't worth looking at I for once in my lig didn't even want to try asking my Gods for answers because before the question came to my mind the answer arrived first "You already know why" as time went on I gained another tool... True actual sadness I never felt real pain and sadness all other forma were if I examined fabricated from perceptions I lacked emotion but now I felt a emotion I thought I didn't have I was sad at what was done... As time went on.... I gained another tool and that was destruction I began using meth and began notices more now... I noticed or felt the potential everyone keeps speaking of is getting to a point where I can use it (the crossroads) with each tool gained I... Believe I was given the tools in each accord to comprehend and truly feel them as time went on I was given another tool... And that was the tool of building

I lost my job I was spiraling down hill my mother kicked me out yet again and I stayed with my cousin... My herion addict cause who through this journey I've never abandoned yes the cousin from the beginning... As things got dark... I gained one of the most important tools... I spoke to him about what happened and I was given the emotion and true feeling of... Redemption I had all these tools but so fruatered and mad and upset I had all these stupid tools and emotions and abilities I lacked yet I couldn't get what I wanted and that is when I spoke to my wifethe night I wanted to out myself when I awoke I felt a familiar feeling a tool that was lost and found the tool and perception of "knowing" suddenly...

All the tools made sense it all clicked I was finally able to get ahead but as it began I uses all my tools I got big I got strong but there was still a tool missing then I met a female who seemed so nice and motherly we dated I thought I cared for her but when she cheated stomped on my pride and spit in my face with her actions I realized that was it another tool yay the one I lost to see through fasçade's like with the counselors take into account I'm starting far from my Satanic Path as things went on I became lonely and lonely and then I stumbled upon another tool acceptance and patience no longer was I angry I didn't have my family or that I cannot maipulate things which... Is yet another tool that took me so.long to learn no matter how smart or rich or good or evil or smart or dumb you cannot ever truly make "happiness" I did not know what happiness was and I was given my job back..

I used the tools to had to become the best again...Amd my wife gave me.her number we talked for a month and I gained a tool I never thought possible...the ability to not let my hate blind me to run on happinesses... Not hate as I walked through the doors of the Greyhound bus station there was my wife and son... And now I was given what I started my path for safety protection the tools to fix myself to become happy.... I looked at my son and he looked at me and I wept... And the emotion that I picked up was there I never felt... I would redeem myself as the story goes on we still aren't at the crossroads yet addiction is making a comeback don't understand why...

As time goes on and on at the cross roads I do stand... When I truly feel I decide what I man I can be... To the left or to the right..... I meditated on this and... I now see ... In the beginning my life me as a child I was empty void I ran only on hatred and anger....

the part I forgot to mention is I have a scar on my left part of my forehead the part where emotions are... As a child being 2 a table fell on my head because of some woman my mother trusted to watch me the damage causes sociopathic tendencies but they also are geneticit all came full circle my mother... Is incapable of getting emotions as I was...

then another tool appeared...understanding and forgiveness.... Never in my.life was I sorry no.matter how bad that emotion of forgiveness didn't exist it would go again at what I was created with forgiveness and hate don't mix... And as I type this I knew this day would come... With all the knowledge of good and evil seeing both sides of the spectrum I was given what I wanted the Ability to be who I choose to be and have all the tools... The potential to be bad be evil become a bigger criminal with drugs or become good and use the emotions I always wanted to be happy hate or happiness... If anyone reads this all of this... There is a method to my madness ..
And so that was a brief summary...of everything...I gained what I wanted which part do you feel is for you?

My life has been betrayal after betrayal lie after lie I do not see the world as others do... And although I have somewhat coped I still have that part of me that comes out when in stress or fearful sitautions emotionless, calm, collection, fearless.

Regardless of the betrayal. You have a son who will never betray you. I have walls I've put up because of friends telling people im gay.i lost allot of good friends. Everyone hits that crossroad at some point in life. Nothing matters except which road you take from there.

Appreciate you putting the spaces. MUCH easier read. But remember its your blog. And you can do with it what you want.

Sounds like your learning allot along the way. I know its not easy. But make sure you keep faith in people. There's plenty out there that'll teach you many tools. You just gotta be open to these life lessons. Good and bad.