The Adventures of The Trying Too Hard Mat

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sometimes, i visit other blogs. and today, i happened to visit morakimo’s. now this guy is the dope. i find his life and surroundings macam damn happening – working at kl, got cut an album and quite knowledgeable.

one of the comments reflected that he was featured in anakmelayu.com. and so the kepo me go over to the site to, erm, kepo kepo.

until now i find anakmelayu.com a bit funny in a sense. no, i am not trying to put down the efforts of its editors, quite commendable to manage a site, but sometimes it’s contents just baffled me. this is where all the bradder bradder shiok sendiri and kakak kakak tak sedar diri posts up their pictures and seek for ‘greener’ pastures.

damn happening i kid you not.

now take a look at hensem gila. this is the classic idea of ‘dah giler sampai tak sedar diri’. maybe, just maybe, it was put up to provide some tongue in cheek.

and then the header makes me more baffled.

now this is THE atypical of the young malay adults. party hard, but remembers god. someone should write a thesis on this engima.

now i don’t know whether to laugh or to cry in witnessing that. i acknowledge myself that i am a mat. very mat in fact. and i don’t regularly do the 5 times a day prayers. but seriously lah beb, this anakmelayu.com sometimes take the cake lah. it summarises what the malays are to the neather world: damn buay song, only finds r&b heh-heh-pening, bad makeup, mats acting up to be blacks….you get the drift.

in lieu with the current state of internet / blogging crisis, pura pura land will initiate a task force to be set up to curb any unpleasant remarks that can be published and read by the public. the new task force will be called ministry of clicks, with the motive of “everything that’s been clicked must click with the clickets.” the commitee will set guidelines to assist and advise wannabee clickers so as to avoid any unneccessary 3 days suspension from school or being litigated under the Sedated law.

the committee will be headed by a very sedated member to oversee the situation.

“pura pura land people must be vair uptight. we must be pure. pure like white, see my shirt and pants but no belt? we must potray to the world that we don’t swear, we don’t spew bad sentiments, we don’t speak of anything else other than “yes”, “right”, and “ok” unless being given permission by your big daddy. with the setting up of this committee, incidents like those school children who has vair uptight principles and do not want to tarnish their so call squeky image won’t happen again. though iran and china cannot curb their people to stop clicking unauthorised materials, we at this commitee will strive our best to achieve what has not been achievable before. we strive to be the best clicking nation in the world, virtual or not.” says the head of click ministry via his text message.

the ministry will have another session with the public to give awareness talks on how and when to click and the punishments if not advised. they will inform the public once they were given permission to click the mouse as soon as possible.

in other news, the daddy of pura pura land has initiated a superb idea to cultivate innovation on its people – giving out awards for establishments who produce original and useful products to the market.

“we, in pura pura land are very small in size, so we need more new things, more better things to be made by the berpura puraians for the berpura puraians. we need to have a niche market so as the world can identify the product to our company, eh, country. if apple can have ipod, we can make something like that too, only that we can tweak some ideas and proclaim our own. we innovate by salivate then concentrate on the populate to cultivate all traits by not giving hate. since we are small, thus we need to look at things in a smaller way to inspire this notion, just like giving out a science project to the best project whom we’ve seen over and over again.”

when asked by the media why pura pura are giving out so many awards on a repetitive subject, the daddy explained that since the pura pura does not have many good actors let alone films or tv shows, it is more feasible to give out these acting ya ya awards to the eligible ya ya papaya actors, erm, innovators.

also, today was the ground breaking ceremony for the construction of the pura pura flyer.

the main intention for this technological marvel is to attract more tourists to visit and boost the land economy. this, on the assumption that 50% of these tourists don’t have a fear of heights and that they can actually see most stuffs from the air via the cable car.

the suggestion had derived from one of the innovation participants. this on the basis that london has one, pura pura must have one too. “we just tweak a bit, and tada! we have a winner!”.

as a precaution, if the attraction does not take off as expected prescriptive measures had been taken by the innovation department. they will tweak the idea and renamed it to the ‘pura pura failure’ all 200 million dollars and thousand acres of land just as what happened in the re-invention and renaming of marina bay to er, marina bay.

since pura pura land will be implementing the no smoke thing in the future, i as loyal servant to the land, will like to suggest a few more laws to commerate this joyful occasion. since i do have aspirations to don an all-white uniform, i would like to suggest a few more as suggested by the gahmen to cultivate vibrancy and ingenuity by its citizens.

so, in light of this, i would like to impose these:-

1. all citizens must change toothbrush every 3 months. if not applied, kena fine and front teeth kena pluck out ala oldboy.

2. all citizens cannot have sex until told to do so when scdf signal its unutilized alarm system. at least now they know those signals can be put to use. if not applied, future offspring kena enlisted to cd plus cannot book out.

3. all citizens can only perform oral sex if toothbrush had been changed. if not, kena wear chastity belt for 3 months.

4. all citizens can only eat at fast food restaurants once a month cos not vair healthy and will bring bad health. if not, kena work there in the midnight shift at the restaurant. and no dinner will be supplied.

5. those citizens who betrayed law no. 4 and became obese must reduce their weight as fast as possible. if cannot, they will be put up to shame in villa (mad)wellness.

6. all citizens not allowed to raise their arms on public transportations if never put deodorant. if not, kena substitute ah meng and be locked up for a week at the zoo.

7. all al-fresco restaurants will be banned because not healthy to eat in outdoor surroundings cos got air pollution exhumed by vehicles. if not applied, citizens will be asked to be deported to somewhere else where got no vehicles.

8. since the ban on smoking derives from the basis that it pollutes the air and is damaging to health, all motorcars, motorcycles, buses, lorries, factories that produce smoke, chemical foggings, burning paper money, aerosals and sprays, perfumes, air conditioners that emits carbon dioxide, coolants, generators, and anything that runs on diesel and petrol will be banned completely. if citizens not happy, go write a post in your blog.

these are only some of the items i will be forwarding to the “make pura pura land a better holistic place to live in” law commitee. i will be suggesting a few more when i suddenly realise i can restrict more lifestyle habits in the near future.

now i am not sure if this surprising news or not. just heard that the gahmen will impose a law not to have cigarettes in the pura pura land come 10 years time.

hmmmm.

this, on top of the impending law where commuters can be charged to jail if they cheat on the bus fares. and not to forget residents will be charged too if they didn’t change their window grilles.

now, though i do somehow agree with the pura pura intentions for imposing these laws in the excuse of national interests and the sake of its citizens (alamak mr dol suddenly so pr ah?), but somehow it does leave a sour taste to realise how pitiful it is for these laws to be implemented in the first place. it does somehow asks everyone else what are reasonings behind the current situation – is it the pura pura’s fault for being overzealous in its authoritivenss like a strict father imposing on its children or the people who are either dumb, nonchalant, fucking stubborn and relatively fucking kaneenabuey chibais and thats why they need a strict father to control them?

at the rate things are going, i won’t be surprised if one day they will pass a law to charge people who wouldn’t change their toothbrush as a result for the goodness of their own sake.

i thought thunderbird was good, until today when it doesn’t display the inbox mails as a result of a plague known as “The Disappearing Mails” syndrome.

why? and how to rectify this?! i’ve reloaded the profiles, delete the profiles, copied over the inbox, deleted the inbox, deleted the msf files, reload the profiles, compacted the folders, but nothing happens!

so now, the only thing that i can do at the moment, as what being noted by mr galvin tan, is – “KANEE NABUEY CHEE BAI AH THUNDERBIRD!”

if i were gay, i’ll grab him and keep for safe keeping and sing lullabies for me to sleep.

but since i am not, i’ll just keep listening to his songs and let me to sleep.

i’ve never stepped on illinois, or the us for that matter, but listening to his lyrics somehow injects this identity or nationalistic pride that relates to the state. his songs reminds me of those 80s nationalistic songs as done by jeremy monteiro. remember those songs, where everyone actually can sing along and join in the chorus? unlike now where they implement an idol *hic* to stretch his vocals and copyright some dance moves in order to somehow invorgrate nationalistic pride to everyone.

no wonder more singaporeans are leaving the country.

oh dear, i hope i didn’t instigate any controversy and sparked the sediation act to smack into my face. or the copyright thing. alamak mati like this.

by now everyone (if they bother and have plenty of time and like to just stare at a monitor and do nothing), would have known the story of those 2 people who got charged in court.

now i know for sure hong lim park is quite inaccessible for me to whisper something, so where will this event lead me to? can i use the telegram? how about pigeon mails? what if i write my text in cryptologic manner? better still, i should just tie my messages around an ole oak tree or something. easier, kan? talk about killing 2 birds with multiple stones. problem is i think ribbons are expensive and now vair hard lah to find that tree, if it exists here anyway.

i recall back at those targetted blogs/sites and i do realise that most of the comments are being tagged by malays. now since i am someone who likes to try *alternative* ways (like holistic lah), will i be charged too if i condemned my own race? eh wait, like that everyone will become sedated. alamak mati nanti.

hmmmm..maybe i can try that and create a scene at geylang serai next month.