In preparation of war against Iran, the CIA already had some submarine cables cut in order to deprive the enemy of eBay auctions. Egyptian workers struggle to repair the cables, to little effect up to now.

WASHINGTON, D. C. -- While candidates are still busy rallying their support for Super Tuesday, it seems that the presidential elections may not happen at all. After having a closer look at George W. Bush's projected budget it looks like actually no funds have been allocated to the elections.

A White House spokesman said that the nation faces a superhuman war effort once again in 2008, since President Bush wishes to subjugate Iran, Venezuela, Cuba, and, if possible, Iceland, this year. This ambitious plan already eats up most of the inflated budget, and then Bush also has to keep some promises regarding tax cuts for friends and relatives. All things considered, this leaves no room for election expenses. Bush volunteered to remain in office for another term, thereby saving the nation billions in election costs. ( So much for "Stupid" Tuesday.)

Washington is currently facing a severe shortage of red ink.

When this news leaked out to Democrats and Republicans and their election campaigners, some unhappy voices could be heard, but everyone quickly decided to continue the campaigns for the moment. "The efforts may be wasted now, but our sponsors have forked out tons of money already and they are entitled to their show", a member of the Obama campaign team commented.

Senator McCain, after hearing the news that his campaign could as well be stopped, warmed to the idea and spontaneously applied for a general's post in the upcoming war against Iran. Clinton and Obama did not yet comment but are expected to display similar ideas. Mike Huckabee has said that he is going ahead with his presidential campaign anyhow. He further intends to turn the United States into the First Baptist Church of North America, as he did to begin with.

Fed boss Ben Bernanke suggested that another rate cut, combined with increasing the money supply, could solve the issue. However, after a short meeting with some Bush administration staff, Bernanke reconsidered and corrected himself, stating that all the money that could be printed is already spoken for, since it goes to the US war machine suppliers directly.