Just letting you all know that I'm still waiting for CBS to post Rachel's HOH blog and pictures. In the past they were posted first thing in the morning on live eviction days. But they are not up yet and I'm sure it will be soon. Check back later!

Well I am back and the FIRST HOH of Big Brother 13! YAY! And its been a CRAZY Week to say the least! And the twists this year are insane, its a totally different big brother game. Your playing as duos, and also when one member of the duo gets evicted the other member gets a golden key that keeps them in the house until the final 10. The golden key holder is pretty much the ULTIMATE FLOATER, the ULTIMATE Key to hold to hang out in the BB house for half the summer no worries, LUCKY! So golden key holders GRAB YOUR FLOATEES(or life vests) This BB season is going to be very different then I had expected, but like Julie says EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED!

Its great to be in the Big Brother house again, I feel honored to have been invited back!(a little shocked, but very excited) I am ready for this season to be fresh and new and for myself as a player of BB to really develop. Last year I really struggled with my social game and I was very proud, abrasive, and in peoples faces -- I was always fighting to stay in the house in the game and with MY MAN. This year is totally new! I have the opportunity to have a great season, to go very far and to really fight to win, rather then just fight to stay in the house. This season Brendon and I are happily engaged and living and playing together this year as a team! I cant explain how different it feels to be in this with him fighting and playing as a team, its the biggest advantage in the world to not only be playing with a partner, strong alliance but with your lifetime alliance & best friend. There are def. challenges also; like the fact that Brendon and I are both strong willed people and that we are both stubborn, but LOVE, TRUE LOVE is really what keeps our hearts strong and beating for each other and able to really play and focus on this game. We came into this season and assumed that it would just be the two of us and we would be a huge target and that it would be us against the house again, but luckily we were wrong!

When Jeff & Jordan and Dick & Dannielle walked into the house I was soooooo excited. Super scared but really excited if the 6of us could ban together and form an alliance then we could RUN this house we could take over the season and then battle with the best in the end. We started the season like that the "veterans vs. the newbies" and we decided day 1 that we were going to take over the game, the house and the season! We had plans for every week, and 6strong players on our team to accomplish our goals. I was feeling like this would really be my season and that I really had a chance to make it far in this game. When we got the news that Dick was leaving, I was crushed, I was so excited to play with someone that I was intimidated by, scared of and very much respected their style(maybe not everything b.c he scares me too!) I took the news very hard, I didn't want a relapse of season 12 I didn't want to get picked off by the newbies one duo by one duo. I came into BB13 to play a hard fun game and battle to the end, but I wasn't expecting our strategy to blow up in our face! And we weren't just loosing Dick we lost Danielle also to the golden key(NO BUENO) so on day 6 we lost two of our best competitors, one until week 4 and possibly the strongest member of our alliance for good! I was so upset I wanted to go home, I felt hopeless and lost and really just scared. Thank goodness I came to my senses, IM NOT A QUITER I NEVER HAVE BEEN AND I DIDNT GIVE UP LAST SUMMER WHY SHOULD I NOW! We may be out numbered and down in competitions, but were strong and were fierce competitors. We have a lot of advantages and pieces in our favor, we have really strong competitors, we have strong social gamers, and we have a tight alliance that we know we WONT turn our back on, and people who wont turn on us. Thats HUGE IN THIS GAME! So now not only do I have my future life partner/best friend in my alliance, but I have 3 other REALLY strong players who are also my friends. In big brother if you have one person you can ultimately trust your golden, in this season we have a group of 5 people that will never turn on each other until the final 5, so were already playing with that in our favor, and were playing with no paranoia, no fear; and hell we have nothing to loose.

The newbies are definitely targeting us in the next HOH and in this voting, I am really frightened that they may switch their votes or that even the newbies were trying to pull to our side of the house are lying to us. Rather then try to work with us and be part of our alliance the newbies have decided to play against us. (WRONG MOVE) But were still in a very dangerous situation right now, we have only 4votes this week and going into the next HOH we have only 3players, were out numbered and in a tough spot. Throughout the week after winning HOH we tried to feel out the house to see who we can trust, who trusts us and who we can pull to our side. After nominations we had to REEVALUATE this b.c people always change, we lost Dick and the house was turned upside down. Thank goodness Brendon and I won the POV. Going into the POV this week Brendon and I knew we HAD TO WIN! Not only to keep the noms. the same but we had no other option then to win so we could use this power as a bargaining chip with the newbies and again to try to make some deals, (we need everything we can get right now to try to make this situation work out for our alliance) Winning this POV meant that we had the opportunity to shake up the house, possibly change the noms. and make deals to save us for the next week. Once the POV was won we had to work quickly to make people think we may use it so that they were scared of getting back doored, and would do anything we needed, and right now we need a miracle and we need mine and Brendan's duo safe but also jeff and Jordan's duo!(thank goodness for the golden key for danni right now--it is a blessing and a curse)

Coming up on this next HOH and next week we have to win, our targets are Dominic, and Cassi--mainly because we view them as the biggest schemers in their alliance, they are the ones who are orchestrating everyone against us, and telling them to put us up. Yet I think Cassi is going to try to get the boys to do her bidding and push them to make all the power moves for her, so she has no blood on her hands, eww that type of game DISGUSTS ME she's trying to flirt her way with the boys and let them do all her dirty work until she may actually TRY to compete, but she's def. playing the "cool girl floater role" lets see if she tries to win competitions Good thing I can see right through it. Adam is someone who is probably trying to play both sides of the house, and is just happy to even be playing big brother that I don't think he's going to do any crazy power moves that would put him in jeopardy. Lawon is someone who also is trying to play both sides of the house, I view him as a floater and I think that the second he can he'll back stab anyone in our alliance, I also think he is a floater who doesn't want to make any power moves yet. I am so happy to have Danni and Jordan on my side for support and girl time and girl talk! Jeff & Brendon are becoming great friends, and we are all growing very close. I am so happy and excited that I can actually enjoy myself in this game and have fun and have fun with it and with people living in the house. I am also thankful that I have the STRONGEST competitors on my side, I was a huge fan of Danni and Jeff in their season and Jordan has great social game and is sweet and the best part about this duo twist is that I get to play the game of Big Brother with my BEST FRIEND BRENDON and we can have fun and spend another CRAZY summer together in the house!

I have learned ALOT out myself this past year, about how strong I am, about how much I can push myself, about how strong Brendon and I are together and about life in general. I am ready to play this game and to really do a good job at it, I have Brendon and Danni to remind me that were NOT the care bear alliance, that were NOT here to make friends and that I cant play this game with emotions but that I have to make good strategic game moves that will further our alliance, I have to know when to strike and when to hold back, and I need to be unaffected by emotions, so that I can further myself and make it to the end where I can really fight for the 500k prize, b.c if I don't get to the final 5 Im not going to get to the final2. Im doing this for our wedding and our future starting a family with the man of my dreams who I met in the big brother game!!!!!!!!!! :-D

Thank you for the support of Brendon and mine fans, friends and families. We couldn't play this game with out y'all and we love and appreciate everything!!!

Really thank you I love our families and I couldn't have done this again with out you--Your giving Brendon and I the chance to win Big Brother and to start a family of our own! It means the world to me to know that I have your support, love and good wishes.

WOW... this has been one week as HOH. I was so nervous last Thursday at the HOH competition because I felt like Jeff and I would get sent home if one member of our alliance didn't win. All the hours of practicing paid off and thanks to Jeff and brandon for letting me win! I was so happy to get a letter from home. I miss my family, friends, and dog Maggie so much. When I read my letter, It made me want to try a lot harder to be here, because I know everyone back at home is cheering me on. I want to make my family proud.

I hope everyone watching is enjoying this season so far. All the house guests are so awesome. For the most part everyone gets along and we have fun together. shelly is the "mom" of the group. She's always cleaning and doing laundry. She has a heart of gold and loves her family so much. whenever I get married, I hope I have the relationship and love that Shelly and her husband have.

Spending the Summer with Jeff has been GREAT! I hope Jeff and I make it far in this game. I'm worried about this next HOH competition because I don't want us to get separated for the Summer. I'm so happy to have Jeff in here because he takes my mind off the game and we can have fun. We have are moments where we bicker but what couple doesn't. I love how Jeff always has my back and wont let anyone mess with me..haha. The whole argument at the veto competition with Jeff and Rachel is squashed. I think she was just upset cause I chose not to take slop and she did. I think sometimes she just really gets into competitions and doesn't mean what she says. Rachel isn't as bad as she seems. she's very sweet and caring. I think she just has such a big personality that some people get a little aggravated with her and her comments. Rachel means well. Brandon is so funny. He's a very calm person and I think him and rachel balance each other out. I think he is also very intelligent and nice.

Cassie is a beautiful person inside and out. She's the girl that gets along with everyone and is very laid back. I enjoy talking to her and shelly because you know their good people.

Lawan and Kaleigha are HILARIOUS together. I love them. Lawan's always happy and dancing and kaleigha is fun to talk to. Her and I can talk for hours about everything and we both like to gossip haha. I told her were like Deon and Cher from clueless.

Dominique's like everyones little brother you pick on. He's such a good kid. You can tell his mom raised him right because he's very polite.

Adam's crazy! who would have thought that someone like him who loves heavy metal is obsessed with 90210. Adams a very nice person and is so happy to be here! Every time he talks about BB he just lights up.

Danny is great to have around because she tells you like it is and I love how she's a little sassy. I enjoy laying out with her at the pool and feel like she's a good alliance member.

Were all sad Dick had to leave. He's a very nice man and very entertaining. Jeff and I would have loved to play this season with Dick because there's never a dull moment with him.

This has been a emotional week for everyone. At the veto ceremony I had to put up Shelly and Cassie and that wasn't really what I wanted to do. I felt like Shelly, Cassie, Jeff and I would have made a great team together. I felt awful when I put them on the block. I almost cried during my speech and then after the ceremony they were crying so I started to because I felt like I disappointed them. Its hard being HOH with this many people in the house because you cant please everyone. I couldn't turn on my alliance because it would be dumb on my part this early in the game. I have to look out for Jeff and I and whats going to further us in this game and I felt like that was the best decision.

Besides all the emotions and drama between the girls this has been a great summer so far and I'm so happy to be here again and hope to make it far with Jeff!

What a crazy week! In the beginning of the week we were making deals to have Dominic work with us and be part of a final 6deal, to be Danis partner and to knock out the house and then battle to the final 2. Well all that changed, Danielle has been planting seeds of doubt between Brendon and I about Jeff and Jordan. This week we had a luxury comp. and Jordan won and brought Jeff, Shelly and Kaylia to the party? So what were Brendon and I to think but that they MAY be working against us and trying to secure themselves alliances to move forward. This all started last week when Jeff and Jordan nominated Dominic and Adam after we had all decided to target Cassi. Well Dom won the POV and saved himself, giving him another week to work on proving to Jeff that he can work with us. Jeff finally got on board, but we still were not 100% sure that we had them Danielle kept telling us that Jeff was working for the benefit of himself and not the alliance. We had even heard that Jordan was thinking about back dooming Brendon and I and getting Brendon out. Brendon and I started to believe that, and then the luxury comp. was another slap to us that we just weren't important to them so Brendon and I decided to start working for our selves, we would try to get our own side alliances and when it came down to it we would be prepared for whatever. So we were contemplating working with Dom&Dani and taking on Jeff and Jordan and switching the final 5plan because we thought that Jeff was so obviously doing that as well. Until the morning of the POV when Danielle came up to Brendon and I and said we needed to allow Dominic to win the POV and that we should backdoor Jeff, THAT RAISED A HUUUUGE RED FLAG FOR ME! Danielle had been mentioned this to us before but it was always maybe we should do this later in a few weeks or maybe we should scare Jeff and Jordan like they did with us last week. I had NEVER really considered back-dooring Jeff this week I listened to Danielle and thought about the options but I wouldn't have actually carried it out it would be STUPID for us to do that, we have a deal with them, we have a friendship with them, and we have an alliance. Also getting Jeff out of the game makes Brendon the BIGGEST target in the house, no one would try to go for Dominic or Danielle it would be Brendon and I. Theres no game play move that would be a reason to back door Jeff esp. week 3!! And Jeff is on our side!! It started to become clear when Danielle KEPT PUSHING FOR US TO BACK DOOR JEFF WHAT WAS GOING ON! Danielle wants Jeff out of the game for her own purposes. I don't know the reasoning behind her wanting Jeff out but its obvious that she wants him out, and she's using Brendon and I to do her dirty work. This is bad in two ways Danielle is turning on our alliance, and she is obviously not thinking about Brendon and I-meaning she's only trying to benefit herself. We were the underdogs coming in and with Dick leaving had the numbers stacked in the favor of the newbies. Yet we have pulled it off and even have almost made it to jury with the 5of us. We made a deal and now Danielle who I not only considered an alli but also a friend is turning on our alliance and trying to ruin the alliance from the inside. EWWW! She and Dominic would have had such an easy road to the final 6 and may have even knocked us out before, they had all the opportunities to go far in this game and not even be targets! Now Danielle has ruined our alliance (well the 5 person we still have the 4 person alliance stronger then ever) and Danielle has single handily ruined Dominics game in this house! We can't trust Dominic and leaving him in the game only leaves a time bomb in the game esp. with Danielle in the game still he could team up with her and take us out. Dominic promises that he would work with us and I believe him he is a competitor and he is a good game player, he made a HUGE mistake but I think he realizes what he did wrong. In my heart I wish I could convince everyone to keep Dominic in the game because he is a competitor and is getting screwed over but now my alliance doesn't trust him, and thinks that he is a huge liability. So now I would only think that Danielle is going to be against us and we are at war.­

Its hard because coming into the house we had a common bond we all shared, we had all played this game together. We came into this game not knowing what to expect but that we were going to be targets for that reason. So we made a pact to work together and make it to the final 5 and fight from there. Danielle and I had become close and she and Brendon and we were friends. Brendon and I made the mistake to trust her as a friend and that she would have the best intentions. We trusted her that when she was planting seeds of doubt about Jeff and Jordan in our heads that we were making the right decisions by trying to protect our selves as well, thank goodness that Danielle got to aggressive and pushy about HER PLANS or we may not have recognized what she was doing. I feel like Danielle has turned on our alliance and was gaming to fast to soon, and it sucks because I trusted her and I didn't want to see us go to war with her, or have Dominic leave! So were going to have to play hard and keep our four person alliance the two couples good and strong and in tact! Which we will I think this has brought the two couples closer then ever and we have trust and respect for each other now, so moving forward in this game were going to be solid.

Happy Birthday Katlyn My little niece!

Thank you for the basket letter Lissy I LOVE YOU and I cant wait to plan our bachlorette parties and our weddings I am so excited to see how brendon and I do in this game!

Happy Birthday MOM I LOVE YOU and HAPPY ANNIVERSERY parents! I hope Brendon and I are lucky enough to have over 30years of a happy marriage I have such amazing role models, you have inspired me thorough my life and into my future and have given me the gifts and strengths to move forward as an adult and in this game and am one lucky girl! ­http://www.cbs.com/shows/big_brother/hoh_blog/61651/

wow!! I don't even know where to begin. Being in this house is a once in a lifetime opportunity.. and I'm experiencing it twice!! UNREAL! No words I can type can convey how thankful I am for being granted this experience. I feel blessed beyond belief. I have been in this house for five weeks, and I have made so many memories and had so much fun already! This truly has been the best year of my entire life… and It's only half over! It is so much easier to appreciate this this when coming in it the second time. I feel as though I have matured so much as a woman and as a gamer since the last time I was here.

my story.

I know I got caught up in a little bit too much gaming early on but hey, it would have been an amazing move if it went though! And NEVER would I have tried to do it if I knew Dominic's life in the game was on the line. He was my best friend in the house and my closest ally. I am definitely going to step up my game and make better and more calculated moves! I cannot afford another mess like last week… oddly enough though… I feel as though I played a great game of damage control and in the end, I'm sending Brendan home… could I ask for more?!

I thought coming into this game was going to be much easier the second time around, but it's not. It's just as hard but in different ways. The hardest part is having couples that are in love in this house. In any other season if you separate a pair, you're making a great game move, but in this house… separating a pair means you're attacking them on a personal level and ruining the relationship. I don't want to hurt people on a person level and it makes me sad to see people sad… HOWEVER… I also am smart enough to realize that I need to make the best games move for ME in this house.

My problem with sticking in that alliance was that I was the odd man out, nobody could have ever got between the couples. I came here to play BIG BROTHER a game I respect and love. I did not come to the house to spend the summer holding Jeff and Brendan's hands skipping to my loo obeying everything they dictate me to do. I'm not that kind of person in real life and sure as heck not that kind of game player! I'm not afraid to make big moves in this game. I know you can't win unless you do. Everyone in this house was so afraid of all these bullies that I needed to step up and go against the flow. BRING IT!

Brendan and Rachel have basically told me I have no shot of winning this game without them on my side because they are the only true competitors in this house,… but you know what, just because you win a lot of competitions does not mean you are the best game player. Their social game is a joke and that will be their downfall in this game. I lost season 8 due to a bad social game, and I know that you can't go around acting like they do.

I really hope I am making everyone proud. I am here to take big risks and I have no intentions of sitting around at summer camp all summer long. I am here to shake things up and yeah, the money would be great, but I have a second chance to prove that I am capable of winning, and for me, that means EVERYTHING!

As for the situation with my father… being thrown into this house with him again was really not an easy thing to do. It again had been two and a half years since we had last spoken, I knew no matter what I would say, that not a person would believe me. The two other couples are basically married and here I am caught in the middle of a bad family situation, yet again. It's a tough spot to be in. when I found out my father had to leave the game for 'personal reasons' at first I was scared, then I was angry, and then I was sad. I know this game is his life and he would never leave unless it was a huge reason. I worry about what may have happened to him every single day in here, I think it's actually harder not knowing because in the Big Brother house, all you can do is think and your brain goes nuts! This is the first time I have ever been in this house truly on my own and the first chance I have ever been given to play as a solo. It really is hard trying to reach full trust with people in this house. I keep imagining him watching the feeds thinking I'm crazy for some of the things I've done already. But I am strong and I can definitely take care of myself. I'm not worried about me.

I'm ready for any new twists. I'm so glad these golden keys are donunzio! Very difficult twist to work with, especially with the alliance I was working with the first couple weeks.

house.guests.

Keith. - Super fun guy. I definitely would have loved to work some strategy with this guy. He never really got a chance so for that I feel bad.

Cassi. - It is so hard to find girls in the big brother house that are are fun and carefree like Cassi. I really enjoyed her company and the fact that we rarely talked game together. Unfortunately, I could not trust her at all. I think I was in about four separate alliances with her… you do the math. I would have loved to have her around a lot longer.. but with her in this game, there was no way I could trust Dominic. I saw a bus coming and that buss' name was Rachel so I couldn't help but throw her in front of it.

Dominic. - MY little PT!!!! I feel so blessed to have gotten the chance to get to know him. He truly was my escape from game. However, when Cassi went home and we finally got on the same page on game play, it made my scheming that much more fun. True competitor, and I wish I wish I wish we would have gotten to the end in this game together. I do realize though that having him out of this house might actually be a good thing for my game. As you can see, having strong pairs in here is seen as a huge threat and people were already starting to fear us (Dun dun DUNNNNNN….). And the fact that he should still be in this house KILLS ME. I cannot tell you how terrible I feel about the situation as a whole.

Kalia. - This is my girl! I will do everything in my power to keep this lady in the game. I am so thankful to have found a friend as wonderful as her. She is having a hard time while feeling like the house hates her, but she is actually in a much better spot than she thinks. I try and give her encouragement as often as I can. She makes me laugh and I know I will be her friend for life.

Lawon. - Since the beginning I have loved his company. Never have I met such a smiley positive person who brings sunshine into everyone he comes across. On a strategic level, I finally trust the guy! It took me a long time, but we are there. I just need him to step up in competitions (BADLY)… but baby steps!

Adam. - I really didn't think I was going to be able to handle a summer filled with this wackadoo! I LOVE Adam! He really is the funniest person. When you get him one on one he is also the most genuine big hearted person. Truly a treat to have in the house. I really want to keep Adam in this game for awhile. I think we have an understanding, but I also fear that he will try and get me out if he sees an opening. & Farrah I cannot wait to meet you!

Porsche. - I have been back and forth with this one. I have come to the realization that if you take the Rachel out of Porsche, she is a great girl. Porsche is just a kind hearted person and I think that's where she has and will go wrong in this game. Everyone is playing on a person emotional level, and if you want to win, you have to put all that aside, at least when it comes to game moves. I really really am starting to like the time I spend with her, even though it really pisses Rachel off… because God forbid her one friend in the house has any other friends. And yes, Brenchal reprimanded her for hanging out with me… give me a break.

Shelly. - Shelly I call echa sketch. I want to trust her so bad.. but so may red flags are telling me not to. It's hard to trust a person who always says how honest they are and then you catch them in lies. On a personal level, I think Shelly is the glue that keeps these people sane. Without her this house would be a mess and nobody would take care of themselves. I cannot wait to meet Josie and Tony, she speaks so highly of you both!

Jeff. - When it comes to Jeff, I never understood the hype of why everyone loved him so much on his season. After living with him, he truly is just a down to earth funny person that you enjoy bingeing around… but don't get on his bad side because man does he have a temper! eek! I really don't know where I stand with him after trying to backdoor him, but I'm doing everything in my power to prove to him that it was not personal. I can't even believe he thought it was, I don't think that way and maybe that was my fault, because I was too much game... but I'm woking on rebuilding trust.

Jordan. - This girl must be the nicest person left in the world. She is just a breath of fresh air. I really enjoy her laughs in this house, but when it comes to game… well, let's just say I don't feel threatened by her, and would love to see her go really far. Hopefully by me keeping her and Jeff together for the summer, this will benefit me later down the road.

Rachel. - well… what can I even say? The first two and a half weeks, I really gave her the benefit of the doubt. I think she has the potential to be a really nice person, but in the big brother house, she really gets caught up in the wrong things. My early game was based way too much on pushing her and her 'man' ahead and that's where I went wrong. I know after this week, she needs to go. I feel like I killed Brendan, not just evicted him. My opinion is I would just prefer if you're going to hate me, do it all the way, don't be nice when you want something, tacky.

Brendan. - CHECKMATE! One little me has taken down the 'king' of bb13. What a treat! Now there will be more food in the house. I would have loved to go really far in this game with Brendan and Rachel, but it was their fault for going against me and thinking they are the best Big Brother players of all time. I saw Brendan as a huge threat in this game, the guy rocks these comps, and hey if you're not with me, you're against me, and if you're against me, you gots ta go! I really do feel bad that it's hurting Rachel on an emotional level, but remember kids, it's just a game, and at the end of the day, I'm not breaking up marriages, I'm splitting up strongs pairs in a GAME!

Stein. - my Bestie!! This is the longest I have gone without talking to you and words cannot express how much I miss you. The Meowstro has only played once, but that day was amazing! I talk about you so much, it really irritates Jeff. Ha. Everytime I am down in this house, I try and think of what advice you would give me to help get me through. Tell Sterny I said hello. And I cannot cannot cannot wait to have a 30 hour aim sesh soon. <3

ps I got Jello in my HOH basket as homage to you!!!

Inbal. - My soulmate! My life is NOT a dance party without you! I think about you every single day, and everyone in this house cannot wait to meet you. I am so excited to see you and go to dinner, catch up on the OC and drink vino & holy cannolis!!! i love love love you! thank you for being such a huge part of my life. I miss you terribly.

VIncent. - I love you. Thank you for taking care of everything while I'm gone. I miss roommate nights! Pllllllease tell Pete and Leslie I cannot wait to see them! You guys better be having BB parties at the house nonstop! I love you guys so much and am so thankful to have you all in my life. I hope I'm making you proud… or at least entertaining you. I apologize for any trouble Mufasa & DJ are giving you all. Tell the grandmom I miss her, love her tons and that I'm doing just fine!!

To everyone else,THE FANS, friends, it is the thoughts of you and the support I know you all have for me that is keeping me going in this house! I love each and everyone of you and cannot wait to reunite.

Wow, what a strange, long trip it's been. I cannot stress enough how easy I thought this house would be. How'd I'd come in and completely take no prisoners, lie, cheat, steal, all those lovely attributes that make up the Big Brother game. Then those doors shut behind me and I was completely bombarded with emotions so great, I seriously think I've experienced some that cannot be described with words…and that's big for a writer. Perhaps the hardest part of this game is dis­cerning the truth throughout all the lies that float around this house. I have to constantly remind myself that not every houseguest is playing an honest game and when you're HOH, they will tell you anything to keep themselves safe. Needless to say, that creates a lot of confusion. Personally, the hardest part of this game is being secluded from the people you know you can trust and don't need to be convinced of their honest love for you. I miss my family and friends pretty much every single day of this game and realize more and more each day just how thankful I am for such extraordinary people in my life.

This week has been one of the hardest with just as many highs as lows. The actual HOH competition is a bit of a blur honestly. I knew I had to win and could tell everyone in the house was gunning for me to lose, so I stepped up to the podium, listened to the rules and said to myself, "I suck at chess, but I'm about to rock this competition," and I did. I barely remember the questions, but I knew if I just paid attention to key words and took the risk of ringing in before the question was complete, I'd nail every single one. I won't lie though, one of the things I never seem to remember in this house is the order in which we all fell off the banana, so guessing "Keith" was just that: a blind guess. Guess, I can thank Keith for that one:)

The greatest realization of the week for me is that HOH is NOT the safest spot in the house. It's actually the least at times. I was so excited to win (as I once again reacted with a crazy amount of emotion…Sheesh, could I cry anymore in this house?), but was immediately thwarted by the task of having to nominate two people for eviction. It is NOT easy to make nominations and as viewers saw, emotions ran high before, during, and after the ceremony showing just how insanely hard this game is. I knew I'd nominate Rachel, hands down. It isn't personal with Rachel, despite the fact that some personal exchanges have taken place. It is completely strategic as Rachel has told countless people as well as me that she's coming after me and Daniele. Nominating Jeff was to give myself some insurance that he'd not only play in the POV competition, but also play with such a fervor that he'd win. The only way I could make sure of this was to put him on the block and make him sing for his supper so to speak. It all sounded like a great plan until Jeff and Jordan screamed and threatened me just before the nomination ceremony. Suddenly I wasn't so sure anymore, not of the nominations but whether it was such a good idea to make another enemy in the name of getting Rachel out of the house. But I looked at my family's pictures, reminding myself of their resilience, how strong my mom has made me, and stepped out on the faith that my decisions were right and that I was here to play this game.

Then there's the twist. I hate the twist. I will never love the twist. I might never eat pretzels or braid my hair ever again because I am traumatized by twists. The fact that the next houseguest evicted will have a chance to get back in the game can only be described in one word: sucks. I truly started to feel like my HOH meant nothing; that me and Daniele's two part plan to get Brendon out last week and Rachel this week was ruined with one major possibility. That's the hardest part about the twist. It's the unknown. There have been many conspiracy theories in the house, but they all basically point to someone coming back to play the game. It goes without saying the person coming back will be one unhappy camper, having been voted out once before. The biggest fear is that Rachel may come right back…or worse, one of the first five evicted will have a chance to come back (Brendon). It's all a lot to take in and on a daily basis, my stress level rises as new theories, ideas, plans, and deals sprout up. I may have to hold out on winning another HOH for a bit...

I will say that through it all, I'm so proud of myself and what I've accomplished in this game so far. It was so hard for me to come in this house and sit on my hands, making no major moves, flying under the radar. I immediately saw that many people loved Lawon, my "partner," and knew I had to find safety with the veteran players on the other side of the house. Coasting through the first two and a half weeks went against everything that is me, but when it was time to open my mouth and roar, I stepped up and haven't turned back. I refuse to leave this game, whether it be next week or on the final day as the winner, with any regrets on how I played. I plan to play hard, period. I've fought most of my life for the things I've wanted and I don't plan on ever doing it differently. I jump every time and hope God gives me wings on the way.

I don't really want to go into detail with the houseguests. I think they're all awesome in different ways, but I really love one in particular... SHOCKER! I couldn't play this game without Dani and I don't mean that in just a strategic way. Her friendship is hands down the highlight of my days. If someone would've told me years ago, when Season 8 was airing, that I'd one day be BFF's with Daniele, I'd have never ever believed it. I love playing the game with her, love laughing and whispering into the night with her, love crying on her (which I do often), and love protecting her in this game whenever I can. I can't wait to continue our friendship outside of this house. I can't believe I found a lifelong friend in this game!

To my Momushka: I miss you more than words can say. Every single minute, I think of you. Having your smiling face in my HOH picture has literally gotten me through so many tough moments this week. You are the most amazing woman and I pray you are proud of me in this house. (Give Bentley a hug from me!!! I miss his crazy butt!)

To Erin and Loni: AHHH!! I miss you guys so much! You are my best friends, my guiding lights and I am constantly saying to myself What would Erin tell me to do? How would Loni figure this out? I love that I have sisters because we have an unbreAKAble bond and I appreciate you guys even more when I'm here.

To the rest of my family: I realize even more in this house just how lucky I am to have all of you. You guys have made me into the strong woman I am and your love literally lifts me higher. I miss you all so much and can't wait to see you!

To Derek: I had no clue, I'd miss you as much as I do. To say I was excited to see your picture in my HOH room would be the UNDERSTATEMENT of the year. You are such an incredible person and I literally fall asleep thinking about you most nights. I seriously cannot wait to see you the SECOND I get out of here. (PS the red swing arm does look pretty dope and I've somehow schooled everyone in here on Suga Free, you should be proud, lol). xoxo

My sisters from other mothers, I miss you guys like crazy. I think of you two often and hope you guys are watching!

To all my friends on the outside: I MISS YOU ALL DEARLY! If I could go into details on each one, this blog would run on forever. I've been blessed with the love of so many close friends. You guys are amazing!

To my fans (if I even have any LOL): Thanks for watching the show and I swear to you guys, it is NOT as easy as it looks from out there. That's one thing I've learned tenfold!

Finally, to my Blackberry: I hate living my life without you. I miss BBM, I miss the internet, I miss Guadalupe (my GPS navigator with the oddest accent), I miss the camera, I miss dropping you, I miss texts, I miss my silly Bluetooth not working. I can't WAIT to get you back! I will never let you go again.