The beauty of my body is not measured by the size of the clothes it can fit into, but by the stories that it tells. I have a belly and hips that say, "We grew a child in here," and breasts that say, "We nourished life." My hands, with bitten nails and a writer's callus, say, "We create amazing things."

I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon. ~Ellen DeGeneres

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

flab:I feel about the same as I did 1.5 years ago. feast or famine. I TRY to eat three meals a day, but find that I am not always successful.

today, I was very busy and very stressed about work.

we did stop on the way to work and get breakfast. I ordered a supreme croissant, but ended up eating a whole buttermilk biscuit instead.

lunch was a 6" chicken sub with lots of salad fixin's and no sauce or mayo.

snack was a giant sized Kit Kat candy bar, purely for the caffeine to keep awake, washed it down with a 20 oz coffee

dinner was a 6" saucer of spaghetti, I ate 1/2 and then walked away.

so today I did stick to three meals, extremely small ones, my habits are exactly what they were before, just the portions today were reduced to a 'normal' portion.

the only thing that has changed was that I now KNOW how to limit the portions, stick to three a day, no grazing. I think that I am in control of my eating, instead of my eating controlling me.

I do not know the stranger in the mirror, I do not know the girl in the mirror either. I have no idea who she is, what she has planned for me and my family. it is so very surreal.

one day at a time, that is how I am taking it. Fun...daycare kids.. wow, do I love tots a lot. I had 25 little ones today, and had a blast, took three hours to make portraits of 25 angels. best time I had so far, and best portraits I have made so far, what a rush!going back again to do it tomorrow.

Fling...driving to Alabama for the weekend to see my relatives, that my not be the best thing to do, but I have not been over for almost two years, I am 'obligated', have not taken Magnus over in 5 years, and so I 'must' go and have a fling.

Floozies..taking Krystal and Jordan with me, we will be the two floozies in the car. ;)

Thursday, March 15, 2007

yep, I am officially over the edge. I even have a psychedelic baby sling to prove it.

the grand baby just needs some extra love and holding, but I do not have 'time' to stop work, so we resorted to the age old solution, a baby sling.

now that I can 'get back to work' having him 'around' is not an issue.

as for my own 'other' issues. I have lots to complain about: okay, before you die of shock. I was not all that unhappy with my body when I was fluffier. I sincerely only did the WLS for health reasons.now I am HEALTHIER. there is no doubt about it. I am off all medications for all my ailments and other than my teeth giving me a really hard time, I am doing great HEALTH WISE.my body. well. yes, it is a rush to fit into teeny tiny clothes. it was beyond exhilarating to put on my 5 year old's belt to keep my pants up that I just bought and were snug three months ago.but I am not loving this body yet. I am not loving that my tail bone aches because there is no padding and I am having to learn to sit at a different angle to work at a desk 14 hours a day.I am not loving that my car seat is so worn out from the imprint from my old butt, that my new butt is aching after 75 miles.I am not loving that I reach up and touch my achy shoulder and feel every single bone and that the muscles are just not 'solid' yet, from all the fat melting out of them.I was so frustrated yesterday, I couldn't keep a thing down. not black beans. not chicken. not water. not oatmeal. after for what felt like hours. I finally got up what was causing the problem. and by that point it had been HOURS since I had had 'food' and I was starving. I ended up with dry toast and p'butter and chamomile tea settling my tummy.and I am really not loving that I am so freaking cold all the time. I live in the tropics. it is 75' outside and I have to have the heater on and I am bundled up with socks, and sweaters.I would do the surgery again tomorrow. I am happy that I am healthy. I am just so frustrated with all the other issues that are such a PITA.and I totally know that I will not get any sympathy, but just to finish my rant,... no, better not go there. heehee. no one would have an ounce of sympathy for me, having to eat 6 meals a day to stop loosing. I better run and hide. heehee

Sunday, March 11, 2007

last weekend, Krys was super sick, could have been mastitis, could have been bronchitis, we didnt know, but we went to the E.R. just the same. they kept her over night, and got her all the proper tests. CBC, Nasal swab, and urine culture. to find out exactly what was up. Jason knew that we were at the E.R. and told him to come after the bars closed, but he never showed up and couldnt get a hold of him on the phone until 7 am, and he was still not 'home'.

fast forward to this weekend. long story short. I am so totally going to kill him. he has been mia all weekend, and he finally rolled in at 8 am this morning, they got into a fight, and while she was bending down to get a bra out of the dresser, he cold cocked her in the jaw/temple knocking her into the tv and giving her bruises on both sides of her face, and on her throat where he choked her.She and the baby are now staying here with me. I hope that they will get some counseling so that they will be able to develop a healthier relationship and having a safer environment at home. I think that Jason will really miss out on an opportunity of 'being there' if they do not work it out. even if it is only one hour in the morning when he is off work before Krys wakes up. But Jason really needs to learn to treat Krys is respect and be kindhearted and stop being so selfish that he thinks that he can stay out for days on end, or that he is lord of the manor just because for the time being he has a paycheck and Krys does not.

I am dealing with the stress as best I can. trying to make good food choices and not let the situation get the best of me.

what I have learned is that most stores do not carry odd sizes..... this is the 'norm'

34B36C38D40DD42DDD

so if you are not in that 'norm' range, you can not get fitted properly. I went to msnshopping and they gave me a list of local stores that would carry the styles I want. ended up with a couple of stores that I had not thought of like Kohls and Sears. for me, I have to 'try it on' before I buy, I can not get bras through the net yet. once I stop dropping and changing, I will, but for now, I never know from one model to the next what will and will not fit.

also there is just nothing better than a Playtex 18 hour comfort strap, on this planet. my favorite is Playtex 4693. I do not like the Demi bras since I have nothing but a lot of skin, the demi is just not a kind bra. I do not like an underwire, it just pinches and feels horrible, so I limit my choices severely there. my favorite though does not come in a 34, just 36, how horrible is that?

so here I sit I can get into a 36C but it is already too big on the band, I really need a 34.

once you find your band size (and I go tighter than most) then finding your cup size with a bowl full of jello is just such a PITA.

for some reason, having always had a good STACK, I can not bring myself to get even light padding, I could probably 'use' it, but so far I am still filling out a nice C and with a 34, I look like I am still stacked. but yes, at night I have wrinkly fruit roll ups that are just SAD!

I can definitely see Plastic Surgery in my future. do not get me wrong, I like a '34C' but UP near my pits, not down over my belly button. ;(

handling it? I cry a lot. and I go to several different stores, buy what I can and pray for the rest.

Friday, March 09, 2007

I am in the middle of my spring cleaning. Waiting for someone to come and shampoo the carpets today.

The garage is all clean and organized. All the beds are made and the laundry is all put away. Even the Erik and Magnus's toys are all picked up. I appreciated you mowing the lawn last week, so it will not need to be mowed again for a while since it is still a little cold here.

Jordan is taking a nap in my office while I finish up some posting a photo session.

I made a photo CD from last year, and burned a copy for each of the girls.

I have been cleaning out prints from the business and sending them out just to get them out of the house. hate to throw them away. ;)

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

krys got extremely sick, had to take her to the ER and was there over night, mastitis is where the breast gets inflamed from exhaustion. she is on antibiotics and resting more, and doing better.

her 'd'hubby, was out all night that night, didn't answer his cell, so he knew that she was going to the ER, but did not answer his phone until 7 am, by that time, I had fed her, and was taking her home with me to take care of both her and the baby. he is such a dork.he was remorseful, but he has a lot of growing up to do.

the baby is gaining weight, getting more alert and learning how much and how little he can get away with grandma. he has been nursing more irradically so I am slowly putting him on a 3 hour schedule. gave him a bottle of warm water tonight, while his exhausted momma took a 3 hour nap. he survived just fine in his own bed in my room while she slept in the office.

my parents left, and have traveled on to Missouri. they were here for nearly 6 weeks. I just could not get myself to 'work' while they were here, I was constantly in demand for chauffeur for errands that were to help Krys, and I was grateful, but as I said, no work got accomplished for my photography, so I did not contact the list of potential daycares in a timely manner.

as for the backgrounds. the one that I nearly didn't get, is the one that I love the most. I have washed the white, and hung it, but have not shot with it, I find that it is invaluable as a gobo behind my other thin drops in rooms with windows, so I will definitely be finding $20 for you shortly.

I did get the cd, it has just been one thing after another and I can not seem to find time to even eat, poor krys will come over at 11 am and first thing out her mouth is 'have you ate today' little stinker. I can answer yes about 50% of the time. ;)

no other pictures yet, my family have gotten beyond impatient, so I compiled with what you gave me and what we scrounged up and that has placated them for now. a 1000 thanks for your work, it was a blessing to us.

as for working, just keep plugging, I needed some examples today to show a daycare, and it was hysterical to look at my old stuff. year one was pitiful, year two was sad, year three was okay, year four was much improved. it just takes time.

the skinny on me, heehee is that I had an 'issue' a couple of days ago, basically a blueberry got stuck in the bottom of my tummy and could not go down, so after a long day of 'eating' I had to take some drastic measures to get it back up or have the surgeon do it for me. I am more resourceful and creative, and was successful in the end. but it did scare the dickens out of people. I probably would have done better if I had not been so severely dehydrated, had only had about 20 oz of fluids in the previous 24 hours, which is not a good thing. that is the real problem. finding time to take care of me. it just never really occurs to me to do it.

so each day I resolve to do better, try harder, and think more. ;) my odds of success are better at winning the lottery, but I do try. :-)

Monday, March 05, 2007

my body is still a work in progress.... just last night I went completely nuts and had oreos and milk and paid the price severely. there are consequences, and that one was pretty bad. I passed out from it. that was freaking weird. toxic sugar shock. so the 'tool' is working. I have lost 131 lbs and I am in a size 2/4.

the boy, I had him for about 24 hours, his momma was really sick, she came over at 230 pm Saturday, went with me to a shoot, then at 730, we finished up, by 1030 I was driving her to the ER with possible mastitis. dr couldn't find anything, swabbed her nose and did a CBC, and urine culture, sent her home with antibiotics for bronchitis. she got her breast pump, and we camped at my house. I woke her up ever 4 hours to feed her and pump, then she would go back to sleep, the baby was eating about every 1 - 2 hours so she was really getting her butt kicked trying to keep up with him. he would eat for 10 minutes, then doze for 10, eat for 10, doze for 10, it would take 5 minutes to get him latched on, so it was taking a full hour to feed him. with the breast milk in a bottle, it worked out much better for her to get some rest. she went home around midnight.I was completely zonked out.

work is puttering along nicely, not as hectic as I would like, but I had so much on my plate this last 3 months and getting krys/jordan situated has really demanded a lot of my time, so I am grateful for the sparse work I am getting.

Friday, March 02, 2007

WHEW!!!! okay, yes it is a lot of work. yes it is somewhat expensive. but OH BABY OH BABY OH BABY

this has been very stressful for several years and I finally think I have a solution.

problem:I do elaborate limited edition sets and once they are 'set up' I do not like to take them back down. well they take up the WHOLE HOUSE it seems. sometimes I put them in the living room or the dining room, but the whole house is in chaos when they are 'up' which is a PITA!

when I put stuff in the garage, the 'boys' would get into them and high grade my props. or worse, ride bikes THROUGH my sets.

NO MORE!!! I have a solution.

I partitioned off 1/5th of the garage, put up a SERIOUS retaining wall and have storage for my props (16' x 2') as well as storage for the garage that does not 'face the 'studio'. I am still 'massaging' my shelves to fit my bulkier stuff, but once that is done, I will be in TALL COTTON!

this will alleviate a lot of stress and anxiety in my life!

as for my body...

Sverre gave me a piggie back ride from down stairs to upstairs, HE giggled the whole way.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

my nerves are shot, capute, wasted. I am 'done'. long story short, my family have had some high maintenance needs for months now. and my pouch is very very angry.

I tried to get back on track, cottage cheese this morning is screaming at me.

chicken sandwich is really got me needing to just empty and reboot the system. I know that I would just 'feel' better if I could just and get it over with. my mouth has been salivating for the last two hours (my first sign of dumping).

it is always good to evaluated during days like this, it is like running down a problem so that you do not repeat it.

I couldnt :barf: properly because I had not consumed any liquids all day, so I was dealing with the dry heaves. but I did get enough out of my pouch that I could get down about 12 oz of apple cider and then I had a really good and productive :barf: took about four tries, but finally the offending BLUEBERRY that was not chewed up properly from 9 am came out and I felt much much much better. must have been a stricture, because now that it is gone, I am feeling better.

had 1/3 of a chicken sandwich from Arbys, that went down okay.

waited and had a 8 oz sprite mixed with a 2 oz of concentrated grape juice.

I got very religious in the bathroom. fortunately, it was the 'other end' that finally got moving with THAT version of the dumping. I swear it has been a TMI day.

to finalized my day... I have dropped down to 144 lbs, 6 below goal. I tried on some bras, I have freaking shrank AGAIN... down to a 34 C... which are not readily available. they are as difficult to find as 36D's were last month. I am totally and completely in size 4's and probably could get into a size 2... also my size 6's are so ginormous on me I had to borrow Magnus's belt (he is 5 years old and in Kindergarten) that is just so freaking wild, I can not image.

I am nearly done with converting my two car garage into a portrait studio. will take photos soon.