After on-air gaffe, CNN to train all employees to recognize butt plugs

Following an embarrassing on-air episode in which a CNN reporter mistook a banner depicting butt plugs and dildos for a sloppily made ISIS flag, the network has announced it will put staff through intensive week-long training seminars to improve their familiarity with sex toys.

The gaffe occurred during a segment about London’s Gay Pride Parade, when CNN International Assignment editor Lucy Pawle described how she was shocked to observe a black and white ISIS flag among a sea of rainbow colors.

She went on to remark that the flag was a poor imitation as the writing was “clearly not Arabic,” suggesting that it was mere “gobbledygook.” Immediately after the segment aired, the judicious denizens of social media got to work, ruthlessly mocking Pawle as a naif who probably doesn’t even know her anal beads from her cock rings.

Never have I ever mistaken a bunch of butt plugs and a terrorist organisations flag on live TV, drink up #LucyPawle, you need it. #Pride2015

“Obviously, any serious journalist should be able to recognize the silhouettes of sex toys, whether they are emblazoned on an ISIS-inspired flag, or knitted by grandmothers into winter scarves,” said expert Gabriel Halfstaff. “That Ms. Pawle compared innocuous butt plugs to sloppy jihadist scrawl is an insult to peaceful butt-plug users everywhere. May this woman one day learn to stop likening those who explore the world of rectal pleasure to blood-thirsty terrorists, and instead join us in celebrating the wonders of molded latex.”

The training seminars, to be held in CNN offices around the world, will include presentations from board-certified dildo designers, as well as live demonstrations in proper sex toy usage, followed by exam sessions in which the network’s 10,000 reporters will look at blurry silhouetted items and be asked to identify them in under five seconds.