Monday, April 21, 2008

Lighthouses

I think it would be interesting to live in a lighthouse. No one would ever bother you, because you are the one that makes sure boats don’t hit the shore and spill precious cargo for greasy consumer hands to grab at. Do you have to pay taxes? Hell no! You live in a fuckin’ lighthouse! Tax that shit, and you are risking the light “going out,” and a ship that is carrying 300,000 boxes of Cheez-Its crashing into the rocky shoreline. Now, if this happened, people would bumrush that beach and steal cheezy goodness by the crateload. No one wants to see that. It would devastate the small cheezy-cracker-eating community. They’d have to raise prices on the Cheez-Its to make up for the lost product, and only rich people would be able to afford them. Then, due to the bourgeois class no longer being able to consume these marvels of modern cracker-making, the people would fall into a great-er depression than the last one. The rich and powerful would enjoy the salty twang of these crispy, bread-like wonders, and the depression would continue to get worse (due to the lower classes becoming jealous of the massive Cheez-It consummation that they are no longer a part of). The company that makes Cheez-Its’ stock would shoot up, making those who owned its stock (likely still the rich), even richer. There would only be two classes in America after this: the dirt poor and filthy rich. No middle-class. No blue-collar workers. Just bums and billionaires. America would fall off the top of the richest countries in the world list, and the communists in China would take over. The world would eventually be won by these Asian bastards, because no one has any money left to spend on making nukes. They’re all out buying Cheez-Its. Then we’d all be forced to act, dress, and think the same. The commies will have won. Ex-President Richard Nixon would be turning in his grave so much that he would rocket the planet off of its meticulously placed axis, hurtling us into the fiery, unforgiving pit of the sun.Moral of the story: don’t tax people that live in lighthouses.