On the occasion of your birthday

So memphis86 is becoming more and more like Jared everyday. Tomorrow she will grow ten feet, male genitalia of epic proportions, and a hetero lifemate named Jensen. Because it is her birthday.

Memphis, this is how your birthday is going to go, I have no doubt in my mind. You’re going to wake up from dreams about a huge white wedding to Jon Stewart and find that The Pixies are standing below the living room window, serenading you with “Here Comes Your Man.” They ask you out for breakfast, but Socrates and Plato show up. They have figured out that togas are not appropriate attire and have instead dressed themselves in Hawaiian shirts, crocs, and khaki shorts, but they tell the Pixies to go screw, because they’re taking you to lunch.

Breakfast means egg creams at Juniors. They divulge that they had to tie Aristotle up in a closet, because he also wanted to come to “breakfast,” but they wouldn’t let him ruin the day. Work calls in halfway through the meal, tells you they’re sending you a bucket of flowers and a singing telegram of “Let’s Dance to Joy Division” complete with backup dancers. Also, please don’t come in. It’s your birthday, and while they aren’t sure how they’ll function without you, they’ve realized your saintliness and couldn’t possibly demand such a thing of you. Also, for some reason, they have decided to get students from London, and starting next week, would you please go and recruit them? They will put you up in an awesome flat.

A representative from the met also shows up and says they will pay you to appear in the vaunted halls of their museum, and also give you a painting of your choice. I’m sure they have a Lichtenstein somewhere. Lunch involves pizza, turkey bacon, and pepsi. A televised broadcast comes on. Jared and Jensen are both starting up political satire spots on comedy central. Not only do they have to wear suits, they are forced to admit their long storied romance. Jensen reveals that he has never voted republican in his life, and it turns out Jared can count past five. Everybody is very impressed.

Also, The CW forgets its whole family values deal, and invites Gale Harold to guest star on SPN as Brian. Of course Brian would never say no. Of course he hits on Dean. Of course Dean goes for it. Sam gives his blessing, but spends the entire ep giving Dean literature on HIV, proper gay sex, and planned parenthood just for kicks. Also Boysenberry flavored condoms so that Dean’s junk can smell like pie.

Wes Anderson decides he needs to slum it, and asks to direct an episode of the show. It’s going to be a huge deal, because he has demanded that he get to soundtrack his own episode in the contract. Also, he demands a scene of vaguely incestuous connotation between the two brothers. Kripke, realizing that such an opportunity will never come again, agrees.

Virgin is also holding a sale, but it turns out for you everything is free. They are so glad that you would lower yourself to patronize their store they send someone to get you pinkberry while you shop. And they agree to pay for a meal at Athens café if you’ll interview the members of The Knife and start that music blog you’ve been talking about.

When you get home you find a bottle of Bailey’s irish crème, left by mystery elves for you to consume, and all your bestest friends show up to have a party and watch reruns of Buffy.

DC, realizing, all of a sudden, that they wish to tap into a greater market of females reading comics, calls you up at 10 PM, and agrees to send you a lifetime supply of whatever titles you wish, to rewrite Tim back the way you liked it, and give you executive decision over who will be the next Robin in the movie franchise if you will only include comics on your music blog.

And let’s not forget the presents. You finally get that rainbow pony you’ve always wanted.

I might've lied about the interactive part. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TWIN! I hope it's a good one!