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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The movie is inspired by the real life relationship between young paparazzo Austin Visschedyk and Adrian Grenier from Entourage.

Adrian met Austin by chance while out one evening and Grenier , intrigued by the young teens career choice, decided to flip the script on the paparazzi for once and follow them, find out what they were all about while documenting this peculiar teens lifestyle.

In the process of doing so, the glare of celebrity becomes reflected on this young boy and he is now 'famous' garnering attention for being such a young paparazzo and he begins to get a taste of fame.
And he likes it.
Seeing this, Grenier has to now find a way turn this little 'project' around and reign in the monster that Austin is beginning to become.

I found the movie to be pretty poignant.
It's not life altering but I think in this day and age and in the type of culture we live in - it was pretty on target.
The topic of paparazzi and celebrity culture has pretty much permeated most avenues of American culture in some way and this film offers an intimate look at both the perks and consequences of this culture.

There were so many things going on this film that blew me away.
First - this kid is 13/14 yrs. old and out until the wee morning hours chasing celebrities.and his mom is okay with this.
seriously.
he takes cabs to where he needs to go and is home schooled so no need to worry about being late to class the next morning.
His obsession with celebrity was a little scary to watch so up close & they showed clips of him staring at his computer and clicking through 500 meelion different celebrity websites looking at photos for HOURS. literally.
But the fact that he was a KID was the real rub.
Here was this adorable 14yr. old that is completely disarming and then BAM!! he's snapping your picture @ 100 shots per minute. Celeb women are total suckers and even some of the men were intrigued and beguiled by his innocent looks.

I did really enjoy the way the film examined America's need for celebrity , its obsession with it and how those needs have affected not only main stream media, but people everywhere.

In the documentary, they showed Austin the famous photograph from the Kent State Massacre to give him a glimpse of REAL photo journalism

He wasn't even phased.

Adrian had a good point when he stated that our society is so saturated by these ridiculous "everyday" lifestyle images that real life no longer seems to have an affect.

That saddens me.
Are we so jaded that the images that should be rocking our core (bodies floating in the water post Hurricane Katrina) don't and the ones that shouldn't ( Britney upskirt) DO?????

As in, I knew the magazine hit newsstands every Wednesday and I would make it a point to go to particular stores on those days in hopes they would have the new issue.

If they did not, I was upset about it and spend the rest of my week sulking until I found it.

I used to be glued to both Popsugar and Perez and counted on them for my daily dose of celebrity.
I needed them. Had to know to know what was going in their soap operatic lives.

I had no life without these people in it.

They filled the void on Friday evenings as my Sweet Pea drifted off to her My Little Pony dvd's.

That was.my.life.

And it was sad because clearly I was lacking something that made me seek out the magazines and websites and soak up the little bits of information like a sponge.

Somewhere along the way, I began to get sick of all the nonsense that was being spewed at me.

The dramas that were playing out in the weekly tabloids was but a small blip on the radar in the grand scheme of what was happening in the world.

and most of it was FAKE!
(gasp! shocker!)

I say all this to say - while I understand society's interest in celebrity pop culture and the place it has in society I think that it's gotten a little out of hand since the advent of the new social media such as Twitter, Facebook and blogs.

There is a fine line between being current and letting this 'obsession' take over.
And while I would NEVER let Sweet Pea out to be a paparazzo at such a young age - I kinda think the mom might have been on to something.
He was obsessed for a few years/months and as he got older........he seemed to be getting a handle on it later on in the film...........ultimately HE had to be the one to figure out how toxic it really is/was.

Monday, September 27, 2010

It seems that we have a regular schedule that is as familiar as slipping into a favorite worn pair of jeans. We welcome the new season in pretty much the same fashion every yerar. Somewhere towards the end of August and summer as the back to school signs begin to show up everywhere and the first fall gear hits the shelves, I get the urge to 'spruce' up the home front and make it more "homey & cozy". There are birthdays from the end of August to mid September for my sister-in-love, my niece, my god sister and another of my good friends. Football games ( in person and on TV) , the L.A. County fair and of course.....lots of yummy food!!

We do these things every year without fail.

And I have realized that I look forward to them!

They mark the passing of one season to the next and are indicative of how our family likes to spend our time.

This weekend was no exception.

It was ridiculously and unbearably HOTTTTTT all weekend long and the only form of cooling off was to sit still in an air conditioned space or jump in a pool.

We had plans to head out to Babe's Dad's house for a an impromptu get together with my sister and cousin -in-love's and some other friends for some Killer Shrimp and boiled crab!!

(terribly blurry -sorry)

YUMM.

I'm not really a crab person ( I know- terrible) I've tried it. It's pretty good. but it's not my FAVORITE thing in the world and I don't really know how to eat it to be honest. I don't want to waste any of it by destroying it - so I just 'share' with Babe. (read - steal a small bite when/ if he allows)

But I LOVE shrimp and Killer Shrimp is one of my favorite dishes!! It's a creole dish comprised of shrimp and a delicious broth that you eat with french baguette slices (to sop up the remaining broth of course) so I was one happy camper.

The kids got in the pool briefly while we sipped on our ice cold beverages to try and beat the heat..........ended up watching a movie (Why Did I get Married Too?)

<yeah I know we are late on that one..... >

and were able to cruise home in record time!

Sunday we vegged out and I do mean VEGGED. Sweet Pea stayed in her jammies all day and Babe had a permanent spot on the couch for the NFL takeover that happens each weekend.

While I was out running errands I stumbled upon a fabulous discount book store that recently popped up in my area. [and by "popped up" I mean it wasn't there on Wednesday but open for business on Sunday........] where I SCORED on two hardback books for only $7!!!

Yes. Hardcover. $7.

How do you love that?!!

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the afternoon curled up on the couch with the A/C on blast reading to my hearts content.

Popped some chicken in the crock pot for a nice and easy dinner and it was smooth sailing until I drifted off to sleep.

This week is supposed to be a scorcher so I plan on taking it EASY and just being still. Got a lot going on in my head still and while I try to sort all of that out I just need to chill out.

Friday, September 24, 2010

It has been two months to the date since I became a "Mrs. So and So" and I still feel like it happened yesterday.

Wow.

Is that really possible?
Has it only been two months?
Haven't we been married for like- forever?

I must say I am loving being a newlywed. this whole wedding process has been such an eye opening experience and taught me so much about myself, my relationship w/ Babe and who WE are as a couple.

We have been a part of each others lives for so long that most folks (Babe included) didn't really think much would change once we got hitched.

And they were right. But they were dead wrong too.;

Everything and nothing has changed. We are now 100% legally committed to both each other and raising Sweet Pea as a family. We both make more of an effort to continue to put our family first and it seems as though our bond has only grown stronger.

I wasn't at all sure it was possible but I think I may love him even more NOW!

He showed me so much of himself while I was planning this wedding and crying /tearing my hear out of seemingly trivial items.;

He has been my rock and amazes me with his strength daily.;

God gave me this incredible man to be the head of our household and to show me what real love is about.

Our 'married life' isn't that much different than it was before except it seems that we check in with each other a bit more and really take the time to discuss things in greater detail.

Our wedding was the second happiest day of my life and I wish we could repeat it over and over.

( the first obviously being the birth of Sweet Pea)

*************
My dear FOCUS :
I love you so much my husband!
You truly have no idea how deep this goes.
Thank you for loving me the way you do.
For allowing me my moments of quiet introspection and entertaining my ridiculous flights of fancy and accepting my faults while encouraging my growth.

Thank your for tempering your love with a little bit of crazy to make me feel that much more normal. (smile)
You are my BEST friend and I can't imagine a life without you in it.
Happy Two Month Anniversary!!
All my love,

Thursday, September 23, 2010

"The simplicity and timelessness of a tie. The Tie Chair™ is all fabric, with no hard plastic or metal buckles. Safely secure your child without them feeling detained.There are many places parents take their children where they do not have high chairs available. Friends houses, family members' houses, and some restaurants often do not have this convenience. This is why we created the Tie Chair™, to make a mother's life easier.The Tie Chair™ is a portable, washable high chair that works just about anywhere, and the best part is that it folds up and fits right in your diaper bag.The Tie Chair™ fits most dining chairs, and can be used as soon as children are able to sit up on their own. It also comes in ten different fun fabric choices.As with high chairs, never leave your child unattended."

That's pretty much a standard question once people find out I write a blog.

I get that followed by the 'eyes'.

You know. That incredulous look people get when you tell them something that is beyond their realm of comprehension?

Yeah. I get that a lot.

Especially when I wasn't working and couldn't possibly have anything exciting to talk about considering most of my days were spent at home........

And it's probably my most favorite question to answer simply because its' such an easy answer.

Everything and nothing.

This is in by no means a 'mommy blog' or a 'wedding/crafting/d.i.y./ how -to type blog but it is.

It's all those things.

Because I am all those things.

A wife. a mother.

A makeup artist, writer, aspiring crafter and creative individual all around and a million other things.

Why should I pigeon hole myself & my blog (writing) into being just ONE thing?

What I write is from the heart and is truly what I feel.

Maybe the topics are current and happening now, or it happened 2 months or even 2 years ago.

No matter what it is HONEST and it is me.

Plain and simple.

What I am going through an and how I feel about it.

Now I admit there are topics I shy away from simply because I wonder if that's 'too much information', I don't want to be judged or I'm just not ready to share my thoughts w/ the world.

But I am working on that.

I don't want this blog to be hindered by my curiosity of 'what will people say/think if I post/say that' ?

I am still working on the intent of this space.

I realize the purpose is for me is to get all the craziness out and onto a space where it makes sense (sort of.)

But the ultimate purpose of the blog, it seems, is to raise my voice and utilize this platform I have to make others aware of some important topics (and some not so important ones) and share some funny stories but most of all ; a way for me to clear out the plethora of thoughts that accumulate in my head through out the day.......

It is a creative outlet for me to showcase/share all my 112 great ideas that occur daily and to get feedback from some unexpected sources.

It's also allowed me another sense of community - those who blog get it.

They understand why I have to snap that picture of my kid hanging upside down w/ Popsicle dripping down her face or why I'm feverishly typing away on my blackberry in the midst of a deep conversation -

It's a moment that needs to be captured and documented , and I must, so deal with it!

Now I may not be an uber cool micro blogger w/ 500 million followers or a super amazing product reviewer making a ton in advertising but blogging feeds my soul and offers me an outlet and platform I wouldn't otherwise be privy to.

I am obsessed with it and don't see an end in sight........and I"m okay with that

Why do YOU blog? Why do you read them? Do you comment on all blogs or just those of folks you "know"?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

There was a fatality on the tracks of the train I normally ride early Monday morning resulting in me having to take a different line into work.

This threw me off as the arrival & departure schedules are different.

I rushed out of work to try and make my 4:40pm train, double checked the sign to make sure I was headed to the right track and ran up the stairs.

I made it with 5 min. to spare but noticed the doors to the train were still closed.
I noted it as being odd and kept walking toward my usual car.

I glanced at the clock and noticed we were down to 3 min and the doors still weren't open - I glanced up to check the sign and make sure there was no delay and happened to notice I was on standing on the side for Track 8B.

Nice.

I'm supposed to be on 7B.

I rushed over to the opposite side and plopped down just as the doors were closing! whew!

Tuesday ; my co-worker and I are generally the first people to arrive to work on our floor.

Our office is one that requires a key card to get into the elevator during certain hours and early mornings are no exception.

I arrived in the morning, swiped my card and rode up to the 3rd floor.

Recently half of our office moved down to the 2nd floor and they have much more fun and fancy stuff in there lounge (read a VENDING machine vs. our toaster oven) so Ash and I decide to head down there and check out what they got.

We hop on the elevator and push 2.

After what seems like an unusally long ride to the 2nd floor the doors open and we discover.........we're on the ground floor. Since neither of us used our key card - we never made it to the second floor.

To top it off - we now are stranded as both of our phones + key cards were upstairs.

And did I mention security was no where to be found?

Yeah. It was awesome.

So we stood in the lobby for about 10 minutes until another early bird colleague came in and was able to let us up.

We promptly grabbed our keys and went back to the vending machine ( hey a girls gotta eat right?)

Cuz we're awesome like that.

Last night I got ready for bed, brushed my teeth & washed my face like normal, said my prayers and ran back downstairs to take out some ground turkey to de-frost for tonight's dinner......and promptly hopped into the bed and fell asleep.

Somewhere around 1am I woke up to go potty and was rubbing my eyes something fierce as they were incredibly dry and irritating me.

Woke up this morning ready to start my day by putting in my contacts but they are nowhere to be found.

Apparently I forgot to take them out last night.

A quick check in the mirror tells me they are not in my eyes either.

Sweet.

I scour the floor and find one on the tile of the bathroom floor and one on the carpet from where I had rubbed my eyes so hard they dropped out and fell on the carpet!

Fortunately they were still in tact and I was able to salvage them (after a thorough cleaning).

Then as I was leaving the house I made a quick trip to the restroom - only to discover there was no more toilet paper!!

Monday, September 20, 2010

my body hates me.
because for some reason I seem to think that I can stay out until the wee morning hours and still be able to function the remainder of the weekend.
why do I lie to myself?
We had a lovely weekend full of running errands, spending time w/ family & friends and of course.....yummy food.
Saturday I was up and at 'em fairly early (for us). Got up and went for a walk to clear my head and get my day started off right.
I followed that up w/ some errand running where I SCORED big time at The Nordstrom Rack - I went in there to possibly find a cute black dress to wear out that evening and some kind of black sandals.
Now I had a limit of $50 being as that was how much I had on the gift card I "discovered" in my wallet.
So I went in fully expecting to find nothing or something that was terribly over budget.
But I got lucky.
boy - did I get lucky!!
I found this adorable black dress (some kind of rayon/poly blend - so light and airy!!) AND some all black gladiator style sandals.
Of course I was skeptical about both items as I headed to the register and the long line almost thwarted my ambitions.
Alas - I stuck it out and was super happy w/ both of my purchases.
So much so that I am wearing them to work on Monday. (when I come home I'll take a pic of the full outfit)
Cha-ching!!!
Then - I went back by the house to scoop up Babe and the Sweet Pea to hit up another of our FAVORITE places......the almighty crate&barrel. I love that store.
We had a gift card thanks to all the wonderful gifts we were so excited to receive but dismayed to discover we had no space for, everything. (sorry y'all!)
Not to worry! Those gifts were just 're-purposed' into a gift card that allowed us to purchase something that better serves our needs!
It was lovely. I am digging this whole - shopping without a budget thing......I could get used to it.( wink, wink)

I picked up a few items to make my dining room table seem more like a dining table and not just "a place to eat" ( more pics of that tomorrow) and that made me ever so happy.

Later that evening my mother came over to keep an eye on Sweet Pea while me & Babe went out to celebrate his sister's birthday.
We ended up staying out WAY to late (or early) and came home as the sun was coming up.
Needless to say - yesterday was spent in full blown recovery mode.
Except I was baby sitting and he was NOT trying to take a nap. But he was super cute and all kinds of lovable so it was worth it.
Babe threw down on the grill ( just burgers &hot dogs) so I was lucky enough to not have to do any 'major' cooking (read : I made some salad + baked beans) , we watched a little Sunday night football and called it a day!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Because it's Friday and "one of those days" I am not really in the mood for a a 'traditional' post.

so I think I will do bullet points of a few things I'm excited about right now

I'm super excited about the Kleenex Hand Towels - do you know about them? just a sturdy as a 'regular' paper towel but 10x softer and more convenient! (no ripping and thusly dripping water on the remainder of dry towels)

My manager at work hipped me tothis bunch of cuteness at www.theoutnet.com - that is about as 'put together' as I'm going to get for work AND play! Plus it makes me wanting to go shopping. right.now.

I saw the trailer for the new Tyler Perry movie "For Colored Girls" - it's been adapted from one of my all time favorite Tony award winning plays 'For Colored Girls who've considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf' by Ntozake Shange. It is also starring some heavy hitters and boasts an all-star cast of black actresses, which includes Whoopi Goldberg, Phylicia Rashad, Janet Jackson, Anika Noni Rose, Kerry Washington, Thandie Newton, Kimberly Elise, Macy Gray, and Loretta Devine.

(poster from the Broadway play)

(the 'colored' girls- stage play)

(the 'colored'girls - screen adaptation)

I cannot wait to go see this movie. My mother took me to see the play as a young woman so I thought it only fitting to include her in my viewing of the movie. I want to plan an outing for all the 'colored' girls in our famdamily and go see it together so I'll keep you posted on that!

I found these in the latest issue of Instyle Makeover ( the one w/ Jennifer Hudson on the cover) and I am in L-O-V-E. seriously so cute. definitely going on my wish list.

Nine West Women's Felicita Pumps $88.95 on Endless.com

Next month I will begin my class on makeup certification. Sounds funny huh since I've been doing makeup for the last decade but I was always self taught. Learning new techniques and styles from magazines and online tutorials and then practicing on friends & family. Along w/ taking the course comes a M.A.C Pro Card = 40% off. Suh-wheet! I can already see the look of confusion on Babe's face when I come home w/ yet another set of eye shadows.......heheehehhe. And I will be a certified makeup artist. watch out now!

Ladies Night - I have been wanting to put one together for some time. but then there was that whole wedding thing happened and it got pushed aside. And now that we're back and every one's settled into their Fall routines I thought- "why not?" So I did. Sent out the Evite and everything. Unfortunately the party is not until November (boooooo) but that gives me more than enough time to get it all together and ensure we have a ridiculously good time! can't. wait.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

so I was tagged in a post by my cute little preggo bloggy friend Katie to answer some questions and you all KNOW I love Q& A so here we go!!1. What is the weirdest dream you have ever had?
oh I don't have a clue! when I was pregnant w/ Sweet Pea I had the most bizarre dreams ever but they mostly involved food (hey - i was hungry....A LOT!) but I guess it would be the premonition dream I had about being pregnant about a month or so before I discovered I actually was. Turned out later on - I had deja vu....2. What is your favorite weeknight dinner recipe?
I have a couple of tried and true staples - cheesy alfredo pasta bake (my own recipe), Pesto Chicken Florentine (sounds fancier than it is), PW's Chicken Scallopine and tacos/burritos/spaghetti3. If arranged marriages still happened, who would you choose for your child?
No one is good enough for Sweet Pea! ha! j/k ummmm - not sure.......she has sort of a love/hate relationship w/ my girlfriends son but he's two years older so that won't happen for some time.......she thinks 'he's gross!'. good girl.4. Who is your favorite author?
author of what though? for poetry it's hands down Nikki Giovanni - I am obsessed w/ her, her writing and her mind. Fiction - thats tough. I like a lot but I think my go to girl is Patricia Cornwell - she is my go-to girl on crime writing and Sandra Brown for a little murder mystery romance.5. What is a song that speaks to how you feel right now?
so many songs speak to me!! and I think it just depends on the time of day - still loving Eminem's "Not Afraid" - it kind of resonates w/ me.......6. What is one of your favorite photos? (post it!)

7. What is your favorite movie?
Clueless - classic and timeless. still makes me laugh and reminds me of a more innocent time in my life.......le sigh.8. What is one of your favorite activities to do as a family?
Play the Wii , go Mini -Golfing or bowling.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

often times when I let it slip in conversation or happen to mention my astrological sign to people I immediately get judged.

It goes a little something like this:

Them: "when's your birthday"

Me: June 9th

them: "Oh.....so you're a Gemini (looks w/ disapproving eyes and raises eyebrows) so then you have like split personalities and are too faced".
ummm......Rude much

1) do NOT assume every Gemini you meet is exactly like any other.
Yes we have similar characteristics and personality traits but we are NOT the same.
Don't believe me? find two Gemini's who are born on the same day and it will be like night & day.

Yes there are character traits that are stereotypical of a Gemini but for the most part we are as mutable as the air that moves us.
(we'll go into the difference between males and females some other day)

hence the reference to being flighty. We tend to not stand still or focus on one thing for very long.

Now if you're not "into" astrology or simply do not care to know/understand the signs you may be a bit confused so let me back up and clarify a few things.
Gemini's are the third sign in the Zodiac and those born from May 21 - June 20 fall under the sign of the mischievous twins brothers Castor & Pollux, of Greek mythology.

Being a Gemini is both fun and a challenge!

It is a task to manage the many emotions that sweep through us on a daily (read hourly) basis!

We are witty, passionate, loving, funny, excitable, generally happy, easily distracted, able to multi-task, chatty, youthful and incredible versatile.......on a good day.

On a bad day we are nervous, tense, inconsistent, cunning and superficial. (nice huh)

Obviously not every Gemini is the same nor should they be treated as such.
The same way all blondes aren't dumb and brunettes aren't always super smart.

You gotta take each person as they come!

I have been lucky enough to have amassed a FABULOUS group of Gemini friends and I can usually tell when there is one in the crowd as I generally seek them out.

Consciously or not - we are attracted to each other like bees to honey!

One of my Yoga Boo's is a Gemini (God bless our Yogini), two co-workers whom I happen to be close with, a slew of ex boyfriends and other friends around the globe.

One consistent thing about a Gemini - we are social creatures!
Even when we are sullen and not wanting to be bothered - we still want to chat and DO something!

As I type this I am literally doing at least 6 other things:

Facebooking

Reading other blogs

Looking at an Evite

Mentally adding up how much $ and food I need for ladies night

trying to plan an outfit for tomorrow

doodling

perusing other websites

It's taken me almost 45min to get this far. Seriously. So that's a down side.
And people thinking I'm too faced.
Yes we do change our minds easily and we are very.......ummm how do you say - lax when it comes to what's right and wrong

( they used amoral in some descriptions but I think that's just a bit harsh)
There's a lot of 'gray areas' for us.

In the course of writing this one of the other websites I was perusing was about Gemini's (duh) so here's the simplest of breakdowns

LIKES

Talking

Novelty and the unusual

Variety in life

Multiple projects all going at once

Reading

DISLIKES

Feeling tied down

Learning, such as school

Being in a rut

Mental inaction

Being alone

If you happen to be lucky enough to have met a Gemini or think you might - get to know them!
You will love them!
They will talk your ear off and have you peeing your pants from laughing so hard.
I guarantee!
Until you don't...........but that's a whole other post.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

At least thats what I told myself as a teenager and even into my early twenties.

because back then - my life was full of drama.

Not just my drama.

But everybody's drama.

What was happening to my friends was happening to ME as well don't ya know!?

And I would just duck when it all hit the fan and wait out the next storm.

Because if it wasn't one friend, it was another, or their roommate or the roommates cousins sisters friend.

It started out in high school when the drama of 1st period can wreak havoc over the rest of your day and continued well into college where there were just more girls, more cattiness and ten times the dramz.

Over the years though things seemed to have calmed down.

There would be little flare ups here and there but nothing so all consuming as to allow me to forget what was really happening.

And part of me just figured that the older I got, the less drama there would be.

Somebody liiiiiiiiied to me!

It's not anything like what it was, nor as bad as it could be but this past year has been full of it!

It reared it's ugly head at my Gramma's funeral and the months, weeks and days leading up to the wedding.

And I hate it.

For all involved.

It gets people fired up and stirs up feelings of unrest.

And for what?

No one wins when there is a SCENE and DRAMA rears its ugly head.
Where is this coming from you might ask?

Well - I have to be honest, it's been on my mind for some time.

Especially after the last year.

I think after this I went to a place of complete zen when it comes to conflict/drama.

I am not interested, I don't want to be around it and I don't want to be one to perpetuate it.

I just don't have that kind of energy to waste these days.

And I can quite honestly say that, in the past, I have been one to perpetuate and participate in it.

I was involved.

Even if it was not happening to me, I took it personally.

All of it.

Whatever "it" was at the moment.

Boyfriend stood you up and didn't call back? The nerve!

So-called friend stabbed you in the back? That B***h!

I'd let it get me so fired up that I would start to shake and my foot start tapping to a point where I cannot stop.

Talk about an adrenaline rush!!

I was quick to defend my friends and be the champion to the underdog!!

(never mind that most of them were dead wrong in most scenarios or some facts were conveniently omitted)

I have been doing a lot of writing

(not just blogging but actual putting pen to paper type writing)

and reading of old journal entries and looking at who I used to be, where I want to go and all that introspective type stuff......and realized;

I allowed myself to get so caught up in 'the drama of it all' that I never really looked at what was the heart of the matter.

Thank God, I have since realized that I cannot live my life like that.

It's not healthy.

Been there done that.

No more thanks.

I think I am officially too old for it.

But I for sure have enough fodder for a book or two......heck maybe even a series!!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

****addendum*****this post was actually written months ago but was hiding in my drafts and I finally let it out......

My wheels are turning.

My friend Rachel posted this and this in the last few days and then my girl Amber posted this

and my too cute supervisor at work is 8 months gone (and still working y'all!)
and all of it has gotten me to thinking........
well even more so.....
about my own birth/pregnancy/child -wanting experience/ situation.

If you've been reading this blog at all you know that I have an 8 year old little girl.

You also know that I hit the big 3-0 last year and am getting married this summer.

Yeah it's a little backwards I know but work with me will ya?

Ever since Babe and I got back together and engaged we have been hit with the same question over and over:

"when are you having another baby"

or

"do you want any more kids?"

and from some of my sick humored friends

"you need to have another baby asap so D (Babe) can get his boy. i think you're going to get pregnant on your honeymoon"

[ yeah I'm talking about YOU Ebony!!! hahaha!]

all jokes aside this is a tricky subject.

because I LOVE my kid.

She is my everything and I have no idea who I would be without her.

However this path we're on has not been easy.

I was 22 when I found out I was pregnant.

In college, no job and no real drive to do much of anything except get to the 'next level' whatever that was.

so it wasn't a planned pregnancy but not at all surprising when we found out.

I remember telling Babe and him looking stunned and then he quickly re-grouped and said

"whatever YOU want to do I'm here"

in that short sentence I knew he was IT.

but I was SCARED.

of telling my parents

of becoming a parent

of being pregnant

of not being the 'same person I was before'

of EVERYTHING that can go wrong.

Have I mentioned that my Dad is an OBGYN?

Yeah I have/had insider information and knew all the risks and complications.

I was beyond well informed and I was still petrified.

Then there was the 'family situation' as I like to refer to it.

Meaning - no one in MY family was really pleased that I was having a baby out of wedlock.

Not at all.

My mother was very upset.

My dad more nonchalant

My brother - didn't even have words

My Grandma - disappointed but said she loved me and would support me no matter what (gosh I miss her!)

But for a long time it was a taboo topic.

I was pretty much persona non-grata for a long time.

And that was DEVASTATING to me.

My emotions were in hyper drive and this 'rift' was only making matters worse.

I was a mess.........

My mother and I's relationship was fractured for quite some time

And then there was Babe's family who welcomed me with open arms.

They were so excited for this baby!!

which was SUCH a blessing and a relief!!!

His mother and sisters opened their hearts and their homes to us and we are forever grateful.

A few days after my first ultra-sound was September 11th, 2001.

As I sat there in shock watching the towers fall I remember the very real sense of sheer PANIC I felt.

How can we bring a child into the world when all this is happening?

Never-the-less , a few short months later Sweet Pea came into the world safe and sound.

But the whole pregnancy experience left me a little.......shall we say "turned off" to the idea of having more kids.

It didn't help that I had to be induced due to low fetal heart rate and lack of movement.

The progress was slow and scary.

It was - to say the least- the longest, strangest, scariest yet happiest day of my life.

So like my friend Rachel, I didn't give 'birth' to my daughter.

Instead I was cut open and she was pulled to safety.

I am grateful to the doctors and nurses who worked with us and were patient with all our questions and 'needs'.

I am grateful that my baby was delivered intact with no further complications.

but the recovery time was hard.

and I was tired a lot.

Fast forward a few years and now I'm in a much better place mentally, emotionally, financially.......all of that.

So why am I so afraid to have another baby?

I do like babies.

I don't necessarily like ALL kids......

(let's be honest some are just not likable)

but the majority , I'm okay with.

And my 'kid comfort' level has gone up since having Sweets but there is something in the back of my head, a niggling little whisper that says......NO!

whenever anyone asks if we want more.

There is a part of me that wants another baby.

To see if Sweet Pea was just a fluke and the next kid is a terror

(this is also what frightens me).

And then there is the part of me that wonders how Sweets would react to a sibling at this age.

I would never want to take time away from her and feel as though we don't always get to maximize the time we have now.........can't imagine what a baby would do to this equation.

so here I am - caught between my Sweets, a snuggling beebs and the rational part of my brain

Add to that the 3 close friends who have all been pregnant in the last 4 years and have had some kind of wicked complication ranging from:

a baby being whisked off to the NICU, serious fainting & dizzy spells for the majority of the pregnancy, cysts on the ovaries and miscarriages.

so yes I am afraid.

but I am also hopeful that by addressing my fears head on and praying about them that the Lord will assuage my mind and move me into a place of peace.

so while my current philosophy is

"if we are blessed enough to become pregnant then that is God's will but if not......."

I don't know that we will be actively trying after we get married or if we will just make the decision to be one child parents.

but I do know that Babe and God are on my side, supporting me and whatever I want to do 100%

Friday, Sep 3rd, 2010 --You can become more scattered today and feel as if you cannot get anything done. Meanwhile, everything changes when a close friend engages you in an intense conversation. But even if you don't want to admit your lack of focus, it will be more helpful if you do. Once you begin talking about your frustrations, you will realize what you must do next. Don't delay getting started, for your concentration may not last too long.

Nice to have something you feel actually confirmed.

But its true.

I am very scattered and not in a "frazzled out of my mind kind of way" more like a " I have so many things I want to accomplish -where do I start first" type of thing.

I feel as though there is so much in me (my head at least) that I need to GET OUT but am struggling to find my voice.

There are a few things that I have in the works and am trying to plan for both financially and schedule wise and it's been hard for me to get it to all work out.

But I am hopeful as always.

We have a long weekend ahead (whoop whoop!) and I am SO looking forward to just being still with my family and getting bit more organized around the house

I plan on tackling the linen cabinets, my drawers and closet and getting rid of a LOT of unused clothes, shoes and towels.

I feel the need to CLEANSE.

relax and just breathe.

take some time re-connect w/ my kiddo, my husband and my parents as well as my house!

sometimes I feel my house is the red-headed step child in my life.

I do so much IN it - but don't always 'have the time' to take care of it!!

So I'm gonna give it a little TLC while I'm motivated and have the time.

On a side note:

I'm looking forward to what this fall/holiday season has to bring.

Now that we are officially in September and the first day of fall is only a few short weeks away, my mind is moving into all the fall activities and I have a ton of ideas for decorations, treats and parties!

Hopefully things will go well and I am able to pull off these fanciful flights!!