what would the nuns (really) do

It is that day of days, cherished beyond belief by any idiom-revising nun worth her pepper; it is that day of days on which we declare to the world with the gayest pride that we, the Ha’bit’ed Jew’the’ran Cat’ho’licks of the World, have POLL-e-ow; it is that day of days during which every woman of…

Two dark-years have passed since these not-quite-ecclesiastic fingers have touched a proverbial pen. I can only imagine the imaginings of my dear penless Readrrr during this long, cruel period of pen-separation and literacy deprivation, but, nunderstand, gentle Readrrr, that things at Anathema Abbey got out of hand very quickly. My nuntimely arrival on the grounds…

It’s that time of year, the most nunderful time of year, and I haven’t had a moment to sneak into my spy library until now because, to put it quite Frank(Sinatra)ly, I am up to my neck in nuns and Bing cherries. Indeed, you read that right; no need for a double bake. Or take….

It is October 25, 2016. Which means it is time, if you’ve managed to covertly procure any, to hide away your hummus! Or to boldly hold up your hummus for all to see. Weigh your risks, Readrrr, and decided the side of hiss-story on which you stand! This marks the second anniversary following one of…

The nuns have traveled far and wide, across many lands. In just a year, I have traveled with the nuns from the Shabby Abbey to Oberrron Abbey, and then back to the Shabby Abbey, and then all the way to Anathema Abbey –which is across from the Friary Priory– where I am stationed currently. I…

Every year on October 17, nuns everywhere make their crone voyage across seas, lakes, ponds, and puddles to the (nearest) lighthouse. Some convents are so far off in the boonies that this is not possible, particularly considering the nuns travel mostly by scooter, four nuns to a scooter. However, instead of acknowledging that not every…

Nothing causes outrage among the nuns like a man, particularly a man who’s never taken the time to talk with them or get to know them, who uses the privilege of his gender in our male-dominated culture to speak on their behalf. One thing people rarely understand about the nuns is that, in large part,…

Every so often a rebel rises up out of the mist of a sea of Catholicism and makes a radical wave in the Church. Usually this wave becomes a new church. And usually, as far as history-as-we-know-it is concerned, the rebel is a male. There have been Christians martyrs, to be certain, who have been…

It’s never too early –or too late– to start planning your holiday gift-giving agenda for the year, right, Readrrr? Especially if you have exactly negative six dollars to work with– if you are perpetually on the verge of being in the hole, gift-giving requires some extra planning. Budgeting is everything. That, and thinking ahead and…

Only once have I ever risked being catapulted out of an abbey for one of my (n)unorthodox (n)underground news publications, and that was when I was serving as Editor in Chief of The Shabby Abbey Grapevine (The SAG). That was under Father Danno’s (s)watch, when I put out a shocker edition called The Rapevine.

Dear Readrrr, Very little is known about the menstruation rituals of nuns. This is perhaps the biggest and bloodiest elephant in the church in existence to this day, because it predates the existence of the church itself. But all that is about to change.

When I was a child, being brought full swing into Catholicism and groomed for the holy life by my grandmothers, I spent an abnormal amount of time in church. By choice. It is unheard of for a young child to want to go to church, and to volunteer at all opportunities to do so, but…

Though I have gone missing for some time, Readrrr, fear you not; I am not dead. I am rather, The Nundead, a holy elaboration on the state of being simply “dead.” I promised you I would come back; I just didn’t say when. As for whether I am now a probationary nun or a probationary…

Contrary to nunpopular opinion, I, The Little Nun Spy of Probatia, am not dead, in jail, or locked in an asylum. Anymore at least. I came close to all three in the last few weeks, and escaped two by a narrow margin. Now I’m back to spying, and I’m better at it than ever. But…

Most people think about nuns as being very stationary beings, but the truth is: nary a stationary nun in sight! Rather, the nuns are station-airy, stationery, and station-err-e.e. beings: they are mobile and, while they seem to stay in one place, they get around and hit the heights regularly, more than your average astronaut. They…

It has been brought to my attention that I have not been direct enough about the nuns’ political leanings. So let it be known: S(h)o(w)cialists, all of them. All the way and they’re not ashamed, for they know their savior, The One and The Only JC Up Top, was a radical so(w)cialist and stood with…

O, Readrrr. O, O, O, Ow Readpurr. It’s time we talked about the strange and enchanted, folkloric and spiritual, relationship between nuns and cats. I’ve waited a long time to address this subject, Readrrr, but the cat’s about to get out of the bag real fast so bunch those granny apple panties into a rhododendron…

The nuns are readers, Readrrr. Avid, tireless, stay-up-all-night-by-the-holy-pillar-candle ravenous readers. Most of them are not writers, however. Except for a few nuns I can count on my hand, one of whom is a very grim little nun. Readrrr, you are looking at her, on the elect trick page.

Allow me to share this, Readrrr. I found this letter, this morning, hidden behind my nightstand, after I had accidentally dropped a prayer pamphlet back there. What a find, and I wasn’t even spying! What a treasure. A love letter between two nuns.