LIBRARY

THIS IS like EVERYTHING. Everything myself and many of my colleagues have talked about, observed, concluded and screamed over the last few years at Grassroots Youth Collaborative (GYC). I really appreciate the depth and scope of this resource. If you've ever pondered or thought about the strategies of activitism, changemaking, social justice movements, etc., I highly recommend taking a look at this!

It's filled with tons of examples of interesting organizations doing great work, and the various models we work within and roles we take in change-making. (I think I'm a Gardener and Questioner).

It's also taken me weeks to get through it but it's so wonderful. I wish I had this earlier in my work but hey, I'm glad I have it now! Take a read through!

*Disclaimer: ​I am not a certified or professional therapist. I just have been in individual and group therapy for 3+ years, and have had many conversations with others who are therapists, therapists in training and people on their healing journeys who are activists and community workers.

Codependency Isn't Bad

​Let’s make it clear. Codependency isn’t a bad thing as a concept. The idea that all living things including humans aren’t dependent on each other for survival or shouldn’t be is unrealistic. We wouldn’t actually survive as a planet if we didn’t depend on each other. Everything in nature depends on the other. Remember Avatar?! Where the trees communicate to each other and the entire network of trees are one integrated network underground?! That is actually true in real life! And think of permaculture — the entire ecosystem is reliant on one another to continue thriving in its environment.

Also, Amir Levine, and Rachel S.F. Heller, share an experiment in their book “Attached.: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-And Keep-Love.” that is super interesting. The experiment performed by Dr. Coan, director of the Affective Neuroscience Laboratory at the University of Virginia found an interesting physiological relationship between individuals in romantic relationships. The hypothalamus becomes activated when we are under stressful situations. In the experiment, women were asked to wait alone, and when told that a mild electric shock would come, their hypothalamus lit up under the MRI scanner. When they were asked to hold a stranger’s hand while they waited, they have somewhat reduced activity in the hypothalamus. Then they were asked to hold the hands of their husbands, and the dip was very dramatic, their stress levels were barely detectable. They concluded that there is a distinct impact that our partners can have on our blood pressure, heart rate, breathing and levels of hormones in our blood and that dependency is a fact, not a choice.​The following writings are on the UNHEALTHY levels of dependence between people and organizations however. There is a balance somewhere between these healthy levels of dependency that we find in nature and in these strong, healthy romantic relationships and the over-exertion, and self-sacrificial type of behaviour where only one side benefits that we find in martyrs and activists.​

The Beginning of My Journey

In the last year of my personal therapy, the theme of Codependency came up for me. It seemed to be a pattern of behaviour that I would fall into with many close and not-close relationships in my life. With family members, with co-workers, with boyfriends, with people surrounding me in community development work, with friends. Prior to this big revelation however, I was already noticing the patterns that I was giving a lot more than I was receiving, that I was giving energy, time, care, emotional support, thinking power to problem solve, and SPACE to others that I actually didn’t even HAVE for myself, or HAVE period! I found it so difficult to do anything nice​ for myself; whether it was taking a bath, making my room clean, tidy, smell nice, scheduling time for doing something I like in my calendar, figuring what I even like to do, eating at regular times over the course of a day, working only the hours that I got paid for, asking myself if I’m working towards MY dreams and goals or someone else’s, taking care of my skin, my fitness, my hair. . .

Self-care was this term that I was SO sick of hearing. It was 3 years straight of my fellow community workers, activists and frontline workers talking about how they need to adopt self-care practices into their liiiives, and how they can’t seem to do iiiit or keep it up, and how we all should talk about self-care morrrre in the non-profit or charity organizations we were working in… *eye roll*, just drag me through another conversation and I might just choke on the mud. I wasn’t meeting people who were ACTUALLY practicing it, who were taking back their time and energy and understood (not just intellectually) that the revolution starts within, and that if we can’t revolutionize our own bodies, spirits and lives then we won’t be very effective at doing it externally in the world.

Well I tried to start doing that for myself in 2014, to work on healing myself and transforming my life because I knew I wasn’t as effective in my work as I could be if I had my whole self available and healthy. But more prudently, it was because my life was starting to crumble before my eyes. My relationship with my boyfriend was getting strained, we fought every single day, sometimes multiple times a day, I was starting to have nightmares every single night, I was constantly tired and exhausted as a result, I started becoming extremely cynical and victimized in my community work, and I was getting triggered more often when I was out in public (case in point, when people would slap or tap me on the shoulder to say “hey!”, I would go into shock, FREEZE and go cry in the bathroom to soothe and calm myself down).

SOMETHING was very wrong in my mind, body and soul.​Reluctantly, with the recommendation from my boyfriend, he told me to seek professional help with a therapist. And that’s where it all started. I went deeper, darker, more vulnerable, more shaken, more traumatized, more triggered and more desperate, more afraid, more shook, more angry, more resentful, more .. just engulfed in the dark, deep oceans of my subconscious mind, my memories, and my life circumstances. PTSD.​

The Book That Changed My Life!

Then came this book. “Codependent No more: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself” by Melody Beattie. I picked it up this year, (a year after my therapist recommended it to me. Ha!) Well, I’m glad I did at all because this book tossed me around like a rag doll and sat me down and gave me a real tough look at myself, but then gave me soothing relief near the end of the book haha. It was such an eye-opening read, I came to understand that these patterns I was constantly behaving in in my work with the youth I was working with, with partner organizations, with funders, with my boyfriend, with my friends, with family members, it was all because of Codependency. It’s how I entered and played a role in these relationship dynamics. It wasn’t that I was some freakish, crazy lady who was just too messed up to be fixed or become normal one day! *Phew* What a relief. It was these quite explainable behaviours of people who became adults from neglected or abused childhoods, who had to tiptoe around their home to feel safe, who didn’t feel safe or free to be themselves entirely, to make mistakes and get back up and laugh about it, not punished for it, to express their true emotions, to be silly, curious, and simply just be kids and not have to take care of their caregivers.

This book sparked dozens of revelations that unearthed so many memories of pain, frustration, fear, anxiety and the constant sense of anguish and defeat that I’ve felt throughout my life. In a summative statement, my underlying desire for love and respect was never truly satisfied as a child, and I empathized so deeply with stories of people who were also struggling emotionally, who were treated unfairly as well, who weren’t given the basic necessities of life (which I include love in). And in that, my martyr emerged. I felt so connected, so sympathetic and empathetic for people that I threw myself into the work of trying to support people from the front-lines and behind the scenes, wherever I thought I could help relieve their pain. From having philosophical, political and deeply painful personal conversations with an ex boyfriend activist who was also physically abusive, to eventually finding employment in supporting youth leaders of colour when I moved back to Toronto.​Codependents have a strong attraction, and often get unconsciously pulled into, controlling their environment to ensure their own happiness and safety because they haven’t learned how to utilize the muscles of finding those things for themselves, by themselves. With abused or neglected children, they end up having to take care of their caregivers because their caregivers were emotionally or mentally unavailable. So they do this so that their caregivers can get to a stable enough place to take care of them as they should because a child knows, they can’t do it on their own. But then, this muscle gets over-developed, their fundamental understanding of caregiving and love and acceptance gets skewed. They become adults looking at the world with the perspective that “If I am to be safe and protected, I have to take care of others first, to make sure they are physically, emotionally and mentally stable to take care of me.” No wonder codependents find themselves in this work! We’re walking bleeding hearts, the martyr saviour that will ensure we will be loved and valuable. So, codependents often seem very detailed in how they think you should live your life, what you should do next, and how you should do it and when you should do it and how they will help you get there… all so that you will then give them love exactly when they need it in return. They feel rejected when you don’t take their advice, they then feel victimized and shitty about themselves that they’re not having the “well-intentioned” impact that they want to have on you so badly.​

They swing back and forth between 3 positions within codependency, called the Karpman Drama Triangle: the “victim”, “persecutor” and “rescuer”, sometimes over years, and sometimes within minutes. (You might see it happen in an argument, for instance). A victim position might say “I keep giving and giving and giving and why is nobody doing anything for me when I need them? Why doesn’t anybody care about me? I’ve done everything right! I am not to blame!”. A persecutor position might say “You are NEVER there for me! I’ve done SO much for you! You are so selfish!” A rescuer might say, “I will do this, this, this, this, this and this for you. You poor, poor thing.” A rescuer might also be called a saviour or hero which is a role that comes up a LOT when you talk about activism.​I have to admit how personally driven I was, from my own needs to feel valuable, worthy, to be a big contributor to the sector & community, to seem smart. But was I really? And does it matter how I feel or is the change in the community the only thing that matters ? And can that ever be measured?

Codependents Becoming Activists & Changemakers

This brings me to the realization I had that so many activists and peers I’ve met throughout this time are desperate martyrs and codependents too. It wasn’t just me. The amount of tears shed and screaming frustration that came bursting out of activists who worked tirelessly, giving every ounce of themselves in these organizations was truly astounding. We worked so hard, we were so emotional, we did everything to fight for their rights, their wishes, their goals, their needs and why didn’t it go through the way we planned? Why are we still not feeling accomplished? Why did we allow ourselves to give so much without feeling any sense of balance, self-love, self-respect, healthy boundaries, a sense of slowness in time; that these issues will take years for progress to be made. Why did we allow ourselves to place all of our value and worth on how much “change” we can make in the community? Do we ever end up realizing how this is such an unfair position to put ourselves in? Why can we get up early, have the tough conversations, confront people and do the gruelling drudging work for others but not for ourselves? Why did we feel undeserving of healing and justice but for them they deserved it? Why did we keep ignoring our own progress and fulfilment?

Our source of worthiness, of value, of love, acceptance, encouragement, support, compliment, adoration, was from our peers, and the people we worked to help. I thought that the source was external when really, the source is internal. And it must be. To attempt to have the sources of your emotional needs external to you is not sustainable, not reliable, and not ever truly fulfilling because the utmost fulfilment of love is when you can give it to yourself.The funding system in the charitable sector is no help to codependent activist. For people who have finally and truly broken out of the codependent relationship with funders are those who probably no longer apply for funding and who are doing the damn thing on their own, grassroots, with their own hard earned money, with simply in collective community energy. Or maybe they are generating their own money through business or social enterprise. And for many who are still applying for grants, maybe we need to put our lifestyles into consideration before we promise impacting thousands of people in some ridiculous timeline with barely enough for us to pay for proper resources to get the job done. Do not succumb to the pressures of over-achieving. It’s hard as a codependent, we want to impress so badly. We want to save the world in one year or five years (for those longer grants)…​I took a break from my grassroots organization one summer, and it was absolutely agonizing for me to not be PRODUCTIVE. Ughhhh…… I went from working 12–15 hour days to laying in bed all day, everyday. It was excruciating. I felt like a worthless piece of shit. I felt like there was literally no point of me taking up space, being alive on this planet if I wasn’t trying to save it. I felt like I NEEDED this organization. I felt like it needed me. This pull was so codependent. I am still learning how to relax, and take time for myself, and not feel worthless, especially when I’m alone. Now I feel productive when I work on myself!​

The Karpman Drama Triangle of the Non-Profit Sector

I have seen far too many brilliant, caring, genuine young people take on the role of Saviour, go into the non-profit sector, bright eyed, bushy tailed, ready to make some change for their community, they start working and trying to rally people, supporters, partners, funders and shortly after get disappointed, feel pressured, feel defeated and then fall into the Victim role, and feel powerless and lost and confused, and then go into the Persecutor role when they become jaded, and cynical, criticizing funders and government and every other power-that-be. I am still kind of in the Persecutor role I must say, but the charitable system itself is a joke — more on that here.​I haven’t even gotten into the codependent, toxic romantic relationships that form within activist /changemaker circles. It gets really dirty, triggering and intense as fuck — let’s just leave that there.​

Self Respect Before Self-Love

This is the first time in my life I’ve been feeling a pouring of self-respect come into my body. I’ve been thinking “Is that what that feels like!? This is actually kinda nice!!” Self-love wasn’t something I just happened to find in my self, it was something I GAVE to myself through actions. I’m trying to align my true passions, my true identity, my truth, period, to my external life; to my jobs, my actions, my relationships. I am also starting to believe that I needed to have self-respect first before self-love and *wait for it*, self-carrrrre. (I still cringe).​I think for someone like me, who was never taught self-respect, it was hard and impossible to jump from being a martyr-victim, who had a really tough time knowing who she was, and what she tolerated and didn’t tolerate, to going all the way to the other end of the spectrum to self-love. There was always a disconnect for me — I could never see the pathway, I could never even get a glimmer of the feeling of it, it was just so too far of a reach, it seemed unattainable. But lately, the self-respect that I have come to generate for my boundaries and what I tolerate has been cultivated from my group therapy members, and therapist and more healthy friends. When I tell them something happened to me and they are mad for me, they are enraged and they tell me how wrong it was for that to happen to me and their reaction teaching me that, yeah, that WAS wrong wasn’t it? I just thought that was ok before because I didn’t have my boundaries fully formed yet. And every single time I stand up for what I tolerate, my values, my boundaries, my space, my interests, my passions, I give myself a celebratory mental fist!​

And the more I seem to do this, the more I seem to love myself for it. The more I seem to be thankful to myself, and appreciative to me, that woman who is standing up for me. And the love is growing as a result. It’s a long journey. I have a long ways to go but I am so grateful for the progress I’m making.

As for my codependency, and activism, I try really hard not to feel shame and guilt for not being as involved in the community work as I used to be.

I try really hard to:

ensure I am actually working on my self-respect and independence and my own capacity to take care of myself

to make meals that I like eating AND are healthy for me

to cultivate my hobbies

to cultivate my friendships that I seek out

to finding my voice

to identify what type of behaviour of others I tolerate and what I won’t

to try first to find solutions to my own problems without immediately calling for help in a panic

to finding compassion for myself and not over-analyzing every interaction I have with people

trusting myself, in my ability to think through things, to formulate my opinions, that I will find a career path that I thoroughly enjoy and I will be upholding my values in a conscientious way as I live and work on this planet

believing wholeheartedly that I am worthy and valuable because I exist, because I am alive and that I’m deserving of respect and good things and happiness and fulfilment and that the effort I put in to trying to be perfect, non-harming, equitable, environmentally friendly are all a work in progress, and I won’t ever be perfect, and I am happy and comfortable with my pace in doing it​

Some say that “people treat you how you ask to be treated” or in other ways, they can see how you treat yourself and they will treat you accordingly.

If You Think You Might Be a Codependent Activist

1. These books are absolutely life altering:

Codependent No More has many activities, self-reflection questions and new ways of thinking or mental modes that you can exercise

Attached is an incredible book for relationships, so if you have had interesting, weird, confusing relationships with people, this helps because it has questionnaires and lots of tips!

2. Seek a professional therapist (this has some challenge, especially if your therapist isn’t familiar with power dynamics of colonialist history and your political understanding and how that impacts your life and emotions, so this may require SOME teaching while being a client as well, but having a therapist who GETS it is a lot easier!)

3. And remind yourself:

the work of systemic change takes tiiiiiiime, if you even manage to get 1 major element changed in your lifetime you are one of the minority. Most of the work many changemakers these days are tackling are multi-generational, most of us won’t see the results of our lifetime

your progress is worthy, though it might feel incremental, every single small step you take, even if a single other person on this planet didn’t see it, is special and amazing and you deserve a pat on the back for it

we are all one big mess. humans are walking hypocrisies, none of us really know what we’re doing, and elders and those with more power than us, don’t actually know what they’re doing either, when you realize that you have a personal power that no one can take away from you, it is a lot easier to be kinder, more open with your “opponents”, you will actually start to see their victimhood, and you might be able to have a deeper capacity for the work, whether it’s healing, giving, caring, fighting, policy writing, program managing, whatever it is

you’re NOT crazy. You just have an amazing big heart, and you just have to learn how to reel back your energy, keep some of it for you, inside your body, to address your life and your needs!

accepting yourself for who you are in totality is revolutionary and anti-capitalist and anti-consumerist. all I know is, in the moments when I feel lots of self-acceptance, accepting others in their totality is automatic.

practice healthy co-dependence, the Attached book speaks to this, and I learn a lot from observing people I look up to, people who have very clear boundaries, take care of themselves, but also recognize that supporting and helping each other is very helpful and sustainable, that is the definition of community and collaboration and collective power after all! Just maintain balance, I’m trying to still find what that line is, what balance looks like, but I anticipate that this will be a life-long journey for me.

​So take a moment to #barewitness to your suffering, your pain, what your needs are to take care of you right now and #barewitness to the roots of conflicts or frustrations you might be experiencing right now.You can heal. You will get through this. You might need a break, and that’s okay. You’re okay!!​Lots of love, and healing and awakening to things we may not want to admit ;)