The Fiver's always been puzzled by fans who expect loyalty from footballers. Let's be honest: this daily email would jump ship quicker than Blackbeard on amphetamines if Chelsea Online chucked some monkey nuts our way (and we're betting our readers would soon give up their Netto jobs if Tesco's came a-knocking). Still, we can't help feeling sorry for Sir Alex Ferguson who, having allowed Rio Ferdinand to keep the £3m he earned while banned for bone-idleness, finds his star defender repaying that gratitude by refusing to sign a £100,000-a-week deal.

"Rio's agent is apparently out of the country," Fergie fumed today, smoke tooting from his facial apertures like a steamboat puffing along the Mississippi. "But when he gets back we want a decision. It is important to the Manchester United fans that they get one." And just in case there was any doubt that Ferdinand's £120,000-a-week demands were a pipedream, Fergie muttered sinisterly: "We are not going to be messed about. We have shown great faith in signing these players and we need to see it returned."

But while Ferdinand contract talks stall like the Fiver's 1969 Mini Clubman on a winter's morning, Jermain Defoe has signed an improved new four-and-a-half-year deal with Spurs. Which comes as something of a shock, seeing as Defoe has a keen eye for a trade-up and his agent, Sky Andrew, is as wily as a very wily fox. Still, you can't blame Tottenham head coach Martin Jol for joyously announcing: "I am delighted and so is he. He's played a big part in our season because he's scored 24 goals. I think he can improve." True - but if he does, what's the betting Defoe won't be at White Hart Lane in two years' time?

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Norwich have had a great run but they still haven't won away all season. Playing them at home, we've got to beat them. If we can't do that we are in the wrong division, aren't we? We are playing out of our depth" - Another motivational masterstroke from Un'appy 'Arry Redknapp. You'd never know he was planning on doing a bunk, would you?

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TOASTED HERETIC

Just in case his dashing charm, devilish wit and undeniable excellence aren't enough to convince you that Jose Mourinho is the Muhammad Ali of football, tomorrow should provide conclusive proof. For just as Ali once boasted "I'm not the greatest, I'm the double-greatest: not only do I knock 'em out, I pick the round!", Mourinho said six months ago that Chelsea would clinch the title against Bolton and tomorrow his prophecy could be fulfilled. So now seems an apt time to point out that - to the best of our limited knowledge - the only Portuguese expression ever to have made it into the English language is ... auto-da-fe.

Bolton scholar Sam Allardyce knows this and, anxious to avoid being burned at the stake, hastily professed his faith today: "Where Jose Mourinho came from to where he is now is a magnificent achievement," he gushed nervously. "To put together a successful team in your first season and get the right spirit among your players is quite remarkable."

Though he insisted his team would be hell-bent on victory - a result that would secure Bolton a Euro Vase spot for the first time in their history - Sam the sudden convert quickly added that he would welcome any insult the Special One deigns spit his way, rejoicing as he flagellated himself with a stout birch: "When he opens that bottle of champagne - probably a huge vintage - after winning the championship, he will drink it and say: 'stuff you!'."

Shockingly, there are all still sceptics. It emerged today that Arjen Robben refused to start for the Master of Space and Time in last Wednesday's Big Cup bore against Liverpool. Though club medics reckoned he was fit, Robben told Mourinho he was worried about liquid on his ankle. As Ali once observed: "Sometimes it ain't the mountain ahead that annoys you, it's the pebble in your shoe."

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THE RUMOUR MILL

Barcelona's Xavi is looming large on Jose Mourinho's radar, which doesn't look good for the far pricier Stevie G.

River Plate's Javier Mascherano is also looming large on Mourinho's radar, which doesn't look good for the far pricier Stevie G.

And Arsenal want Sidney Govou to replace Jose Antonio Reyes.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

Cambridge United have filed for administration due to their spiralling debts. The club was relegated from the league last week. Finance director Nick Pomery said: "The club has liabilities of around £900,000 and assets which are in no way sufficient to meet these debts. We therefore have no choice but to file for administration."

German referee Robert Hoyzer has been banned from football for life after he admitted match-fixing.

And Blackeye Rovers' midfielder Tugay has signed a 12-month contract extension.

"The reason for Patrick Vieira's alarming dip in form this season can be exclusively revealed. The lofty playmaker was spotted in Tesco Express on the corner of Jermyn Street yesterday, with two boxes containing a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts each. After queuing for a couple of minutes, he had second thoughts and went back to pick up another loose doughnut, presumably to scoff on the way home" - Phil Murphy.

"Re: Bappa Dasgupta's [Yesterday's Fiver letters] contention that Liverpool play the better football and therefore should be in Big Cup next year. Perhaps we'd better change the manner in which the League tables are calculated? Let's just abolish the points system and appoint a jury made up of Bappa and his peers who can award teams marks out of six for artistic impression at the end of matches instead" - Anne Marie Graham.

"Why wasn't the news that the producers behind the hit musical I, Keano are planning to bring the show to Manchester greeted with the expected Fiver comment: 'Shouldn't they bring it to the Home counties instead?' You missed another trick there" - Dr Seán McGarraghy

"Mike Cornwell [Yesterday's Fiver letters] is absolutely right about Didier Drogba. Just as Anelka is the French Collymore, Drogba is the French Heskey. For all his genius, Mourinho doesn't seem to be able to pick a striker, does he?" - Martin Harrison, who doesn't seem to know where Didier Drogba is from. D'oh! "In reply to Bogdan Kotarlic's comments that Helenio Herrera would be proud of Liverpool and Chelsea, you have to remember that while his Inter teams had the best defence, they were also among the top scorers" - John Barry

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TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO

Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview Show (7pm) "In the late nineties when our economy was an economy, a local retailer ran a 'score the penalty' promotion for a prize of $15," begins T Kwangare from Zimbabwe, kicking off another day of not-for-the-squeamish sports injury pain.

Live Football league: West Ham v Sunderland (7.30pm) "My brother was one of the fortunate five to contest the final in our national stadium. As always in Africa, the whole clan was invited along to witness history in the making.

British Eurosport: Top 24 Clubs (11.15pm) "Step forward my brother against our national team's goalkeeper. We all held our breath. And what a penalty he produced!

BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm) "After running some seven metres, he not only sliced the ball but mysteriously contrived to break his leg! As the crowd laughed and the penalty-taker screamed, the ball slowly rolled towards the corner flag, where it was recovered after the ambulance had left the stadium carrying our clan's pride and joy in the back.

Talksport: Kick Off (7pm) "He has not stepped inside a stadium nor watched a soccer match since, but at least he did become part of our folklore."