2 words are guaranteed to confound: 'No gifts'

When someone you love -- a sibling, spouse, parent, friend, etc. -- tells you, "Don't give me a gift," should you believe it? If you say it, do you mean it?

A man I know raised this issue the other day after his wife said, "Let's not exchange gifts," a suggestion that sent him into a tizzy of uncertainty.

Doomed if he gives? Doomed if he doesn't?

In any season, the "no gifts" edict feels like a booby trap. Who hasn't arrived at the "no gifts" birthday party or wedding only to feel like a grinch for obeying the order? How did everyone but you know that the bride or the birthday boy really did expect that scented soap or talking fish?

Christmastime multiplies the problem. We're called upon to make a lot of gift choices, and each choice is a risk.

"Last year," reports one of my friends, "my sister and nephews agreed to no gifts. We decided to give to charities instead. I stuck to it, but they didn't. I was so embarrassed to show up empty-handed."

Another acquaintance reports a similar situation at this year's family Hanukkah party:

"We were told gifts for children only; adults weren't exchanging gifts. So, though I had been working feverishly to knit hats and scarves for everyone, I followed the instructions and brought gifts only for the kids. Three quarters of the adults came bearing gifts for all, which, of course, caused the remaining quarter to feel badly about the whole thing."

Nobody knows what anybody else really wants. We don't always say what we ourselves want, or even know it.

If you say, "No gifts," do you mean no gifts? Or do you mean you don't want more stuff that's given out of obligation and destined for Goodwill?

"I mean it when I say it," says my friend Emily. "Except when it comes to my husband. With him, I probably mean it 85 percent. The rest of me gets caught up in the stupid fantasy of those holiday jewelry commercials. And I'm not even much of a jewelry girl! I guess there's still part of me that wishes that despite our mutual agreement, he'll manage to sweep me off my feet."

I'm a no-gifts person. I grew up in a big family with no money. Christmas gifts were just for the little kids, and I've carried that feeling into adulthood.

And yet when I get the right gift from someone I care about, the gift feels like a lucky charm.

And if I stumble upon what feels like the perfect gift for someone, even someone who has said, "No gifts," I give it.

What most of us want from a gift is proof of love, a sense of being truly seen and valued. We want all of that free of material and emotional clutter.

In other words, gifts are as complex as everything else in relationships. We wish for formulas and rules to guide us when there are none. But how about these as guidelines:

Say "No gifts" if you mean it. But not if you don't.

If someone tells you "No gifts," believe it. But give if you really want to.

Accept what you're given gracefully.

Expect nothing.

And relax. Relationships aren't made by gifts, though they may be revealed.

As for the guy who brought this issue to my attention? His wife will be surprised. Or maybe not.

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mschmich@tribune.com

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