Friday, March 27, 2009

a) i wasn't looking to form any attachment of the romantic kind with Alex. I was happy, and i knew that anything we attempted would fuck with the friendship. so i let it be.

b) But then he brought it to the table, and then he took it away because "it would affect the friendship". That was the second shortest 'relationship consideration' i've ever been subject to after Sam (20 minutes). What the hell??? Is it wrong for me to assume that the bloke should have thought it through before even involving me in this??? After i'd been saying it for so long already???

c) And now, he's hitting anything in sight. And it bothers me that i have to pretend to be the friend and listen to it!

And NO, I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM! Gosh! Just because i'm pissed off that a "friend" of mine treated me with such off-handedness doesn't mean cupid has struck, as my stupid other friend would want me to admit to!

Cupid wouldn't want me to be with a drunk, stoned, inconsistent guy who believes that the solution to everything is to get FUBAR'ed with a few nymphets, that it's ok to make me want something, however ephemerally, and then walk away, thinking it's gonna be ok.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

.. or something to that effect was in my horoscope a few days ago. It warned me about this time of conflicting emotions, where the battlefield was my psyche. As usual, i pooh-poohed the literature, and went hunting for proof.

I wasn't disappointed.

A few days ago, Alex decided to ask me out (my last post), after thinking about it for a couple of months. One would have thought that during those few months, he would have considered the dreaded possibility of what would happen to the friendship if the 'relationship' went up shit-creek. The fact that he still popped the question led me to believe that he had been convinced that there was no major reason for that to happen. Despite my reservations, his nonchalant approach to 'us' gave me confidence.

Then two days ago, on an impulsive whim, i went across to Delhi for a few drinks with a couple of my dearest friends. And while i was having a vodka, i realised that they were aware of my blog, and that they had read a few of the posts there - the ones they thought was about them. And i realised that despite knowing what i had written (and hence, really felt about one of our meetings), they hadn't let on ever.

See? conflict of emotion. On the one hand i was thrilled to see them, on the other i was mortified that i was the cause of any embarrassment to them... to him. And then i was astounded that the relationship hadn't changed, despite the truth. They hate me, they hate me not....

Then i went and hung out with my closest friend Meg. She has been successfully undergoing chemotherapy and was looking healthy when i reached. But then we got the news that the tumor marker test had come back very high... higher than it had been originally. Which basically meant that the cancer had grown and probably spread.

Things were stressed out in the household.

But when i got back home today, i got the news that the scan had come back clean. Hurrah! My friend is truly cancer-free!

As if these emotional upheavals weren't enough..

...on my first day back, Alex told me that he doesn't want to see me anymore. He, one of my closest friends, who has known me for a couple of years, finally discovered that he didn't want me... that the 'friendship' was worth more.. that we could gracefully end this... before either of us got really involved.

Maybe the sex was terrible (yes, that happened too.. a little too soon, even by my standards, but it did happen). Maybe he realised that there was no one he could speak with about 'us' without it affecting the entire dynamic of the common friends group. Maybe he just was never into me.

Whatever the reason, he is right. After all, i'd been saying the same thing for the last 6 months... obviously in latin, because he now FINALLY understood. Ok, so he understood it after I, in some tiny part of my brain, did give 'us' a chance... But he is right. As i was.

All for nothing because, whether i like it or not, the friendship has still changed. There is now a layer of deceit which will always be a part of what I say... as i pretend that i don't care.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

He's a friend.A very good friend.He wants to date me.He uses terms like "for the rest of my life" as if they're easyThey are easy, particularly when one doesn't mean themDoes he mean them?

He's a friendA man whom i trustA man i actually likeIt's a two-year long friendshipWhere every syllable of the word has been earnedCan i risk that?

He's a friend.My heart doesn't flutter wildly when i think of himIt just beats with a deep assured thump(And a slightly panicky 'lead in my stomach' arrhythmia)Am i trying to convince myself?Is this an opportunity to test the "ask questions first, fall in love later" philosophy?Or do i reject him... just because i always do?

He's my friendAnd he's always sweet to meBut he has an awful track record with his girlfriends (now ex's)He has been described as mean, insulting and volatileI've known him to be rude and indiscreet about them to his friends... my friends..Do i risk joining that list?

Should i jump in and hope for the best?Or should i just cease and desist, guaranteed in my current feeling of bonhomie, and wait for "Mr Perfect"?

This is when i need a definite sign from the Universe.

(I know this looks like it wants to be a poem... Fortunately, it isn't one.)