Emotionally Closed Off Healing Pain and Learning to Love

“Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ~ Buddha

There’s only one way to survive life. Shut down, or get hurt and die.

Well, that’s what I once believed.

At some point during my childhood I decided that the only way to survive in the world was to shut down and close off my heart. I’m sure given a choice I would have chosen only to avoid the pain of life (not the pleasure), but open or shut are the only options available.

Growing up, everyone and everything around me was inconsistent, physically and emotionally. My family moved many times throughout my childhood, and my parents were busy, professionally and socially.

One minute, there — warm, light, and safe

The next, gone — cold, dark, and alone!

Every time I started to get settled, it would all disappear. I had no control, and I couldn’t trust anything. It became unbearable.

I couldn’t make people or the world go away, so instead I shut up shop and hid my true self away from them, behind a false exterior.

I put a smile on my face, and became a reflection to others’ wishes — like the princess in the tower, a prize to be admired, completely untouchable.

I had a perfect facade.

Today, years on, I am very much real.

I work as a therapist and a writer now, and I’m on a soul quest to enjoy and share with the world.

On my journey to get to this moment, I felt like an adrenaline junkie. I was always maxing out and pushing it to the edge to do anything to feel alive, through the darkest rivers of life and illuminating heights of spiritual enlightenment.

I became ensconced in the spiritual world seeking practices to elevate my soul through meditation, esoteric reading, tarot cards, alternative religions, and mediumship. I experienced moments of peace, but I was still shut down.

I know I was not made to live separately from the world. As I grew older it was sexual desire that motivated me to get closer to people.

Still, I was set on a path of destruction.

Out of fear I tried to control the relationships in my life, as I had learned to control my emotions. I also looked for others to control me instead, always believing that power equalled love.

The more I allowed myself to get involved with men, the more fear I felt, but I couldn’t give it up. I had become addicted to feeling alive.

I didn’t want to go back to being cold and alone in the dark again, and would do anything to avoid it. That feeling I tried to avoid was ultimately what set me free.

Like Orpheus going into the underworld, I took my own path downward and became fascinated with the dark recesses of the human soul.

I got closer and closer by observing extremes of pain, loneliness, fear, and rage, through my training and clinical work, always drawn to tortured souls.

I wallowed in that dark place with addicts, abusers, and victims, believing I was doing “good” by trying to save others.

The truth, though, was that I was still avoiding the depths of my own personal darkness, even in therapy.

It was falling in love though that would take me there.

With no warning a man came into my life, and I fell uncontrollably and unconditionally in love for the first time. I was completely unprepared and terrified.