08/10/2017

MOSCOW, RUSSIA (AFA NewsWire) Sources close to the Kremlin report that having carefully evaluated Donald Trump's performance after six months as U.S. president, Russian President Vladimir Putin has effectively demoted Mr. Trump, downgrading his status as a Russian tool from "Useful Idiot" to just plain "Idiot".

07/15/2017

Through their various spokes-henchmen, Ernst Blofeld, Dr. No, Top Job, and Auric Goldfinger vigorously denied reports they had met with White House aide Jared Kushner and presidential advisor Donald Trump Jr.

05/10/2017

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) President Donald J. Trump is reported to be, “Totally confident and not at all worried” about his first job performance review from Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, White House sources are reporting.

Lavrov’s visit to the White House on Wednesday is the first in-person review by a Russian official of Trump’s performance as U.S. President. The meeting is expected to last about an hour and, along with the Foreign Minister’s assessment, to involve conversation on such topics as Trump’s having completed assigned tasks, met goals, overall effectiveness, growth on the job, strengths, weaknesses, and any areas that need improvement. The only question for Trump that has White House aides concerned is, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

05/04/2017

In Russia, friends of Putin become millionaires; in America, millionaire friends of Putin become Secretary of State... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In America, you put up wall to keep people out; in Russia, they put up wall because so many bricks still lying around from rubble of society ruined by communism... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In Russia computer hackers break into American politician's email to make public embarrassing information; in America, public just waits for politician to embarrass himself... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

04/29/2017

When I wrote “Talk to the Hair: A Look Back at The First 100 Days of the Trump Presidency” the idea of Donald Trump as president — he wasn’t even the nominee yet — seemed as outlandish as it was unlikely. Well, we know how that turned out. Now that those 100 days have passed, I wondered how accurately my predictions had been. Below is a list of what I got right or came close enough to deserve some credit. My final score is at the bottom.

Cause Widespread AgitaSo far, nobody’s dubbed the psychic trauma of living in Trump world “The DTs” as I did on Day 5 but, there has been plenty of coverage about the rise in anxiety med prescriptions and visits to mental health professionals. Maybe if I'd gone with the catchier, “Trump Induced Tsuris” (TIT) it might've caught on.

Replace Air Force One with Trump AirI had this taking place on Day 9 but, even before his inauguration, Trump complained about the cost of replacing Air Force One, threatening to cancel the order with Boeing. While he never said so personally, he must have had this idea on deck as a Plan B.

Translator IssuesGranted, I envisioned translators kvelling on Days 13 and 91 over interpreting U.S. Ambassador to Russia (later Cuba) Sarah Palin's attempts at spoken English but I’ll still take this as a win.

Trouble Funding The Border WallI was overly optimistic about Trump’s Border Wall getting built, having work start on Day 16. In my can do-dystopian version, funding only ran into trouble on Day 28 when construction was already well underway. I still think my solution of corporate sponsorship could be a winner.

Private Security DetailHis majesty's secret service wasn't enough. Sad. Trump enhanced his security detail with private sector goons. I had him replacing the secret service after finding out they'd code-named him "Hairball One" on Day 29. His code name is "Mogul", I'm told. I bet that's not what the secret service calls him when he's not around.

Cost of InaugurationEven worse than my imagined overspending on Trump’s inauguration (Day 38) is the reported over-donating for it that has resulted in a multimillion-dollar slush fund.

Insulting Angela MerkelIn my version of Day 77, Trump got himself declared "persona non-grata" in Germany over insulting remarks about Chancellor Angela Merkel. I never imagined he'd be such a jerk to her in person. How wrong I was. He hasn’t been barred from visiting Germany (yet) but I’m still giving myself the point for this one.

Pissing Off World LeadersTrump seems to have learned everything he knows about Mexico from “Breaking Bad”. That would go a long way in explaining his threats to Mexican President Nieto of invading his country to get the "bad hombres" terrorizing the border. Meanwhile, and, credit where credit is due, short of mistaking them for New Zealanders, it takes a lot to piss off an Australian with fewer than eight cans of Foster’s in him, but Trump managed it in half the time allotted for his first phone call with Aussie PM Malcolm Trumbull. (Disclaimer: I don’t know how many cans of Foster’s Lager Trumbull had consumed beforehand.)

Governing by Executive OrderI had the president's penchant for governing via Executive Order an item on Day 80. I didn’t specify the number of them, but he signed 29 in 99 Days. Hardly a record but, more than anybody since Truman racked up 57.

Hiring Unqualified Cabinet MembersNot all of Trump’s cabinet picks are completely unqualified and too inexperienced to lead the agencies they’ve been put in charge of; some are openly hostile to their agencies’ missions and want to do away with them altogether. Or, in the case of the Department of Energy's Rick Perry, both. Granted, Trump never nominated Howie Mandel for Secretary of Agriculture, as I suggested, but we don't know who was on that short list, now do we.

Making a Buck Off Being PresidentWe all knew he’d manage to do this. The only real question was how. The answer, it turns out, is, in every way possible. I offered numerous instances and various methods of self-dealing throughout the first 100.

General Tone“Speak Loudly and Stick it to Everybody” was my proposed campaign slogan for candidate Trump, though it could be the mantra of his administration’s core philosophy. My version of his inaugural speech had him promising to return the country to the glory days of the ’80s, the 1880s when Robber Barons ruled the land unchecked by pesky government regulations and laws and such.

So, the final tally: 13 for 87. Maybe not a great stat but, would you have really wanted me to be any righter?

04/21/2017

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) US Attorney General Jeff Sessions expressed astonishment and chagrin today that “some colored fella” was ever been allowed to be president, saying, "I mean, what with all the power and authority that office holds." High-ranking Justice Department officials report that Sessions is calling for a full investigation.

04/12/2017

self-serving and/or crowd-pleasing statement (or tweet) of doubtful sincerity of intent, although expressed as a solemn promise, widely circulated and accepted as such but one that carries with it little or no realistic expectation (by the speaker or, increasingly, the listener) in the likelihood of its fullfilment and (at a maximum) mimimal effort to conceal its core falsity.

(See also, newly coined variant of expression "Talking through his hat," "Talking through his hair".)

Q: Is there any truth to the rumor that the Fabergé Eggs being rolled by the younger Trumps and Kushners are a gift from Vladimir Putin?

A: The Fabergé Eggs the roya- first family's children will be rolling come from the personal collection of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson who has generously donated them for this event. We don’t know where he got them. Ebay, maybe.

Q: We notice that Spicer isn’t scheduled to be at the event, which is odd since he’s the press secretary and all, but also won’t be appearing anywhere else publicly all day, so, where is he if not inside the rabbit suit?

A: Just because you won’t see Sean Spicer and the Easter Bunny in the same place at the same time for the entire day doesn’t mean he’s the bunny. Okay?

Q: Why is there a catapult set up near the North Lawn fence?

A: Brown Easter eggs leftover from the Obamas’ diversity efforts will be taken to the North Lawn and hurled over the fence, across Pennsylvania Avenue toward protesters in Lafayette Square.

Q: Is it Chris Christie?

A: Is what Chris Christie?

Q: The guy in the Easter Bunny costume. He seems like a natural.

A: No. It isn't Governor Christie.

Q: People are saying if Sean Spicer is the Easter Bunny that, having once played that role, it would underscore criticism of the administration's penchant for hiring only those uniquely unsuited for their jobs or who've never done them before; ergo, in Trump world, Spicer's qualifications actually disqualify him.

A: What people?

Q: People. You don't know them.

A: Do you have a question or not?

Q: Is it true that president Trump will not pardon this year's Easter Bunny?

03/23/2017

a semi-trance state induced by prolonged exposure to relentless and excessive overstatement and exaggeration, causing sensory overload and resulting in either: 1) heightened susceptibilty to suggestion or; 2) numb indifference to any and all futher input.