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The news is a strange and tricky beast. It’s on all the time, offers important and globally-pertinent information, and helps the viewer become a much more informed world-citizen. However, since the news is over 6 minutes long and doesn’t once mention mutant powers, I lose interest very quickly. I’m just now catching up.

Recently, there’s been a lot of buzz about this thing in Iran– this “election” business. It seems like one guy’s having a really good time and everybody else is kind of pissed. It’s like when you’re with a group of people and you’re eating cake (Perhaps at a cake party, or “caker.”), and there’s a piece that could easily be cut into four or five slices, but instead, one big, mean sonofabitch just eats the whole thing himself; and get this, he doesn’t feel bad about it.

Really though, you’ve heard a lot about the election already. By writing a whole blog about it, I’d just be beating a dead horse (And to be culturally appropriate, I’d use the bottom of my shoes.). So what I’m gonna dü is this: I’m going to introduce you to my friend Iran as I know it– as a country and as a people (none of which are gay).

Iran, or the artist formally known as Persia, is officially known by international governing bodies as the The Islamic Republic of Iran. “Iran” is a cognate of “Aryan” and translates directly to “Land of the Aryans.” This is not to be confused with my estate in Waxahachie, which is also known as “Land of the Irions.”

Iran is home to over seventy million (straight) people. It has one of the world’s longest running civilizations, with buildings and urban centers dating back to 7000 BC. Iran (I ran so far away) has been a highly influential force in the region for a long time, like a really long time, like before the 80’s. This is mainly because of their central location and good damn luck of possessing some of the richest oil fields in the world.

The governing of Iran has gone through a lot of hands through the years. After overthrowing the Qajar Dynasty, Iran gained it’s first constitution. I remember when I got my first constitution…

Iran’s constitution operated through a type of constitutional monarchy, with one central figure of power who was bound to precepts written in the constitution.

Things weren’t stable for long, though. In the Iranian Revolution of 1979, the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini overthrew the current monarch, Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, putting into motion the creation of the government currently in power in Iran. On April 1, 1979, a referendum was taken, and the monarchy was replaced by a strongly fundamentalist Islamic Theocracy. The Ayatollah was declared the Supreme Leader of Iran, with the power to appoint important government posts, declare war, direct Iranian radio and television broadcasts, act as supreme judge of legislation, taste all the beer first, take the first bite of your sandwich, decide what pants go with what shirts, make scary faces at children, wear white after Labor Day, double dip, record over your TiVo’s, interpret the constituionality of laws, and pretty much whatever else the fuck he wants to do.

There’s also a president, elected by popular vote, who is the second most powerful individual in the Iranian government.

OK. Let me just stop right here. Turn the music down for a second. I’ve been reading about the Iranian government for roughly an hour or two now and it is terrifically, terrifically complicated. The thing you need to remember is this: The Supreme Leader runs the fucking show. There are several parts that can try to impart their will, but those parts are so numerous, their power so diluted, they really can’t do a whole hell of a lot without that guy up top’s endorsement.

Government. *Rolls eyes. You know what I mean?

Let’s talk about fun things.

Iranians know how to party. Big time. Look at this cat.

There's like a million of these out there.

That’s a Eurasian Lynx. It’s a creature indigenous to Iran. Yea, that’s cool. I get it. But hey, check out the weird cat thing me and Sam found after we got back from the bars the other night:

America- 1, Iran- 0

The official language of Iran is Persian. Natives of Iran refer to the language as “Fārsi” or “Parsi.” This is very similar to the American tradition of calling English “Shmenglish.” [Editor’s Note: That is Kyle’s tradition. No one else does that.] Parsi is the Arabicized version of “Fārsi,” much like this man is an Arabicized version of famous “Who” guitarist Pete Townshend.

Poetry is a huge part of Iranian history, literature, and language use. Even historical medical essays have been found written in verse. Many thinkers consider Persian literature among the four main bodies of literature in the world. For thousands of years, in fact, Persia was the intellectual center of the middle east. Many of the most important scholarly writings from the Middle East are written in the Persian language. One time, in class, Armenia was caught cheating off of one of Iran’s test papers. Armenia was flunked, causing it to be held back. It started running with a bad crowd, stealing, vandalizing, and skipping class. This started around the year 1915. The next two years are known to history as the Armenian Genocide. Don’t laugh at that joke. It isn’t funny. Shame on you if you did.

As far as the economy goes, about 45% of the government’s budget came from oil and natural gas revenues, and 31% came from taxes and fees. Massive government spending has resulted in a 14% inflation rate between 2000-2004. For those who don’t “get” economics, let me explain it. What this means is that of all the balloons in Iran, only 14% get inflated yearly. [Editor’s Note: I don’t have to say it, but you know, right? I mean, even if you don’t know what inflation is, you know it isn’t that. Right?]

Every year, 86% of balloons go uninflated. This puts a backbreaking strain on the Persian clown community. Is there nothing we can do?

In less than a thousand words, I’ve described the country of Iran. I believe, personally, my efforts can be described as “Just slightly above mediocre.” That’s at least 2 knotches higher than I had expected to go, with earlier projections having this blog at “Abandoned after first hard to spell name.” I actually have a much higher impression of Iran now that I’ve taken time to look at its history, which is a rich one. I think to write off Iran as this evil, misguided country because of recent events would be like calling America a failed, bloated, poorly lead nation because of the hardships of the Bush administration and early Obama administration; and everybody knows America is the fucking balls to the wall, flame throwing, hot dog eating, grand slam hitting, whiskey-drinking leader of the free world. Oops. Typo. That’s actually me. [Editor’s Note: No, that’s America.]

5 Responses to “IranKyle”

To tell the truth- I laughed at the Armenian joke. I’m not ashamed, though, because I was not laughing at genocide- that’s horrible. I was laughing at Armenians, because they are usually funny people. There is an Armenian pizza shop in Plano that really starts a fire in my bowels. I love it. So don’t get it wrong- if that shameful Ottoman Empire was still in existence I would wag my finger at them in dissapproval.

I beg to differ on the credibility of wikipedia. I mean, it couldn’t be much worse than your average textbook, except wiki has like a million editors to correct mistakes. Right? Ofcourse. Having said that, i stopped reading after the first hard to pronounce name. (I read out loud)