The Hole in My Heart

By Olivia K., Auburn, NY

He looks deep into my eyes, not with a look of love or caring, but of guilt. “Who was she?” I asked, trying to hold back my anger and hurt.

“Some girl … you wouldn’t know her,” he said calmly, as if not knowing her would lessen the blow. I try to look at him, but I find that all I can do is look to the floor and hope the tears swelling up in my eyes don’t start pouring down. I can feel him slowly moving closer and his hand rests on my shoulder to comfort me. I quickly shrug his hand away, not wanting the reassurance that everything will be okay.

Everything will not be okay. I want to scream at him, and tell him how hurt I am. I want him to feel the pain I’m feeling. I want him to tell me he lied, that he never really cheated, that it was all a sick joke. I could forgive him for a joke, but not for this.

I can no longer hold in my emotions. Tears roll down my face and burn my cheeks. I begin to sob and sniffle and my head begins to hurt. I look up just long enough to see that he is also crying. Good, I think, Cry. Feel pain. Hurt inside, just like me.

We sit for what seems like eternity, but is only a few minutes, without talking. We both are crying. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles over and over, “I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

His apologies make me cry harder. I think of all the times he told me he loved me and how it all meant nothing now. I think of him with another girl, laughing and having fun. He finally leaves me to drown in my emotions. I wonder, Should I forgive him? Should I leave him? Will I be able to see him with another girl, especially the one causing all this pain? What should I do?

I know no matter what I do, it will never be the same. There will always be an empty feeling, like a hole in my heart.