29.11.09

Today, I woke, ready to conquer the day. I was filled with anticipation. Eager to talk to people I loved, near and far. To spend time with those whom I could. To chit chat the time away... A lazy yet beautiful Sunday. The sun was up for the first time all weekend. The clouds had stolen away for a quick reprieve. All was looking up! This weekend was going to end on a good note!Quickly, I turned from happiness to regret to anger to hatred and then to apathy. Within one hour of waking, I was ready to curl up and forget the day had even started. You see... Nothing really bad happened... Not to me. I started to get this feeling that something wasn't right. Low and behold, something is not right. I started to regret trying. Then, I started to get angry at myself for trusting that the day was going to be good. Then, I was angered that I had trusted in Him... Then came the hatred. I hated myself... I hated the world, most of all... I hated someone who I never wanted to hate.I suppose that all the feelings compounded upon each other led to apathy. I didn't care that things were spinning out of control. I didn't care that I could not stop my world from crashing in on me. I just didn't care about anything.Thankfully, I have friends to help me through this. You see, I am blessed. I have people in my life who will not hurt me - not on purpose. I have people who genuinely care. Who utter words of affection that I can truly believe in. Most of all, I have a God who has placed these people with me because only He knows how much I need them. How much I need to be reminded that I am not able to do this on my own. How much just a listening ear will help to pull me out of my pit of darkness.So, I would like to thank you. Not only the people who are there for me... But, the people who help me to realize that when you do hurt me - when you make me feel as if I shouldn't care - that there are people out there who I can lean on. Who will be my light in the darkness. Chris, Ted, Jamie, Dom, Andy, and Law... Even if you didn't know exactly what I was going through as we each went through our day, please know that you all helped me in your own ways. You all made me realize that I can conquer the day.This weekend did end on a good note.

One day, sorry won't be enough. One day, I'll get tired of hearing it. I pray that that day never comes. But, I fear it, nonetheless. I fear that you will come to me, in all honesty and humility, saying that you are sorry that you did what you did and that I will turn my ear from your cry. I fear that I won't be able to turn my face on what you feel you have done wrong.One day, 'I love you' will no longer bring a smile to my face. It will not evoke feelings of mutuality. It won't melt my heart from stone. One day, I will hear those words uttered from your lips and I will cry for what it once meant. More so, one day, those words will bring from me a sigh of regret. They will turn my heart of flesh to one of stone that won't be able to be broken. One day, I won't be able to say them back and mean them as I have in the past.One day, your cry for help will be heard as just a whisper, barely audible above the hatred that is screaming in my heart. One day, the fear I have that you will no longer be able to conquer this will consume me and I will no longer believe in you.I pray that that one day will never come. I pray that I will always believe in the power you have. In the strength you possess to conquer your demons. But, one day... One day will come. My heart is breaking because of the possibility and there is no where I can turn but to you.

With the Christmas season in full gear, one can not help but be a tiny bit cheerful. I'm finding that songs I was hearing a couple of months ago are no longer irritating but pleasing to the ear. Decorations that I thought of as an eyesore are now beautiful! It's amazing the difference 2 months can make!Here on Guam, we don't have the snow. We're lucky to find a fresh Christmas pine. There's no fireplace to sit around to share stories with the family. Hot cocoa is more a discomfort than anything else, in the humidity. But, I'll tell you what we've got going for us... We have family. We have friends. Most importantly, we have tradition.With these three things on hand, it's easy to forget that we can't have a proper Christmas tree... That we won't be spending Christmas morning making snow people and angels. When surrounded by people you love and who are soaked through with local tradition, you are brought back to the real reason that you're celebrating such a holiday!Of course, there is no escaping the commercialization of one of the church's largest holidays. It's the reality of life. But, here, we are lucky that we've worked in the real meaning of the day. While most people around the world are sitting around and pleasantly content with just opening presents, the people of Guam do something before that. We attend mass, we come home and before the presents are opened, the Novena to the Child Jesus is prayed. While people elsewhere run off to enjoy their gifts alone, the people of Guam pull together and celebrate as a family.I can not remember a Christmas on Guam that I didn't spend with the people I love. I can not remember spending a Christmas on Guam without the richness of our culture. The traditions of my people are beautiful and I have realized, after being away from it from so long, that it is what sets us apart from other people in the world. My culture is not one that I will ever be ashamed of. It is one that my children - when I have them - will grow to love and appreciate.So... Ginen i islanGuahan... FelisPascua... Bibaha'anenmafanagunJesuKristu. Si Yu'us in binendisi i familia-mu!

22.11.09

It's been way too long since I've posted something on here. Things have been happening so quickly lately that I haven't had the energy to put in to blogging.Today, I had the chance to go through some storage that I've been meaning to sort through. Unfortunately, not only did it take time but it also drained me emotionally. It got me to think about a question that someone posed to me just earlier this week... That being, 'Are you over it?' Up until today, I thought I was.Of course, there are times when you miss the physical contact. When you miss the affection. Heck, there are times when I even miss the disagreements that some with any relationship. But, I thought I was completely over a relationship that I removed myself from a little over two years ago. Hey, anyone would think that two years is long enough to move on.While going through storage, I found a little box of trinkets that had been collected over about 8 years and the memories came flooding back. I guess it started with good memories... laughter, love, joy... Then the pain came and it was something that I wasn't expecting. I thought to myself... What are you doing?!It's not that I regret leaving. Anyone can tell you that I am happier at this point in my life than I had been in the past. But, I guess I just miss the little things. Having someone there to hold you when you felt alone... Having someone to tell you that it's going to be ok... Having someone there to knock you when you know you're doing something completely insane!Some time soon, there will be a burn session... A time when I can completely rid myself of these little trinkets that I keep finding around... The material things will no longer be here. But, the imprint that this person left in my heart will always be there. So, to answer the question... I guess I'm not completely over it... I probably never will be. This person will always be in my heart. But, I also realize that there is space in my heart for someone else... Someone who I have yet to meet... Someone who will fill the void there and maybe... just maybe... help me to reserve just a tiny space for the one that came before.