Hugh
Of course, we also need the public to shut up and
not tell anyone else that I'm a policeman.

Stephen
Well of course.

Hugh
Good. That is a very good point, though. Don't
say you're an undercover policeman. Yeah.
Thanks.

Stephen
So, are you waiting for some criminal or
something?

Hugh
That's right, funnily enough, yes. I'm waiting for a
criminal, and when he enters the premises, let me
put it this way, he can expect a warm reception.

Stephen
I see. That should be exciting.

Hugh
People often say that, but no, it's not exciting. It's
ninety-nine per cent routine legwork.

Stephen
Right.

Hugh
You're not a criminal by any chance, are you?

Stephen
Me?

Hugh
Yes.

Stephen
No.

Hugh
Oh good. Because I'd have had to give you a
warm reception if you were.

Stephen
But then of course, I probably wouldn't tell you
if I was.

Hugh
Yeah. Right.

Stephen
Now that I know you're a policeman.

Hugh
Oh I get you. You wouldn't tell me, because you
now know I'm a policeman.

Stephen
Yes. That's if I was the criminal.

Hugh
Right. Right. Are you the criminal?

Stephen
No.

Hugh
Oh good.

Stephen
But the point is, I might be.

Hugh
Oh hold up, you've gone all strange again. You
just said you weren't.

Stephen
I'm not.

Hugh
Good.

Stephen
But I might be.

Hugh
This is getting stupid.

Stephen
Not really. You see, if I was a criminal, I wouldn't
tell you that I was. If I wasn't, I also wouldn't
tell you that I was. So just because I say I'm not,
doesn't mean I'm not. A criminal.

Hugh
Slippery sod, aren't you?

Stephen
I beg your pardon?

Hugh
You read a lot of books, I suppose?

Stephen
Well, you know ...

Hugh
One of my regrets about the police force. No time
for reading.

Stephen
Mmm. Pity.

Hugh
Do you want to share a doughnut with me?

Stephen
Er, no thanks.
Hugh breaks a doughnut in two, and gives one half to
Stephen.

Hugh
There you go.

Stephen
No, really I won't thank you.

Hugh
There you go.

Stephen
No.

Hugh
Take it.

Stephen
No!
Hugh pushes half the doughnut into Stephen's face.
What are you doing?

Hugh
Giving you half this doughnut.

Stephen
I don't want it!

Hugh
You think I'm stupid.

Stephen
What?

Hugh
Just because you've read books and I haven't, you
think I'm stupid.

Stephen
No I don't.

Hugh
If you didn't want a doughnut, you'd say you
wanted a doughnut. So just because you're a
criminal doesn't mean that I don't have to give you
a doughnut, because you've said you didn't want a
doughnut in the first place which is actually what
you'd say if this doughnut was a policeman.

Stephen
You're mad.

Hugh
Mad am I? Your first mistake. I never told you I
was mad. I told you I was a policeman. But you've
just said that I'm a mad policeman. How could
you have known that, without me telling you? So
I must have told you. Except that I didn't, so how
do you know?

Stephen
It's obvious.

Vox Pop

Hugh
I've got nothing against where I
live now. It's just a bit detached.