You had a pretty good run for a couple of brothers who stuck feet on a potato and created one of the richest and most influential entertainment empires in the history of… well… history.

It really was quite a success story. Thirty years, brazillions of dollars, fans the world over; and that’s just Transformers! (I’m not even getting into G.I. Joe, Star Wars and the greatest toy line of all time: Army Ants.) You’ve successfully re-imagined the Transformers universe on multiple occasions (from ‘G1’ to ‘Beast Wars’ to ‘Armada’ to ‘Prime’ to, well, ‘Universe’… and many more.) And we, your loyal and devoted fans, have happily joined you on the journey. (Heck, we even got the Michael Bay toys – proving that even the WORST MOVIES EVER MADE EVER can still spawn a flurry of excitement in the action figure aisle!

Congratulations. You have secured your place as the creators of the greatest and most resilient toy brand of recorded time.

So why, oh why, would you hang it all up now?? Why on Earth would the biggest geniuses in the smallest state give it all up?? (in my head, Perceptor calls it, you all turn grey and I cry like Rodimus Prime in a firefight.) Why say goodbye now?

I mean -- that’s obviously what you’re doing.

You’ve decided that it’s time to call it quits, shudder the doors at 1027 Newport and hop a Space Bridge to history...

Right?

Because why else would you so nonchalantly produce THE GREATEST TOY EVER MADE?! Hmmm? Why else would you just GIVE me the most amazing reimagining of a toy that I could ever own? The one I’ve wanted since I was nine and half? (full disclosure: though Hasbro did, indeed, generously provide this sample at no cost to me, I – upon getting it out of the box – sent them all of my bank account passwords. They earned it.)

There is ABSOLUTELY NO POSSIBLE WAY TO TOP THIS. Therefore, Hasbro, I can only assume that you’re now officially out of the toy business. Sad face. Still… I suppose we can all take comfort in the fact that, as a parting salvo, you’ve given us the stunning GENERATIONS TITAN CLASS METROPLEX (SDCC Exclusive Version.)

Let me commend you first, Hasbro, on the sheer size of this thing. The box barely fit in the passenger seat of my car as I broke speed records getting this thing to my house for pillaging.

Rodimus Prime nearly scrapped his metal pants when he saw his new roomie.

At 24” tall, this is indeed the biggest Transformer ever built (take that, puny 22” Fortress Maximus!) and is the first Transformer to ever sit like a grown up on my couch. Let’s face it: bigger is better. There was nothing like that Fortress Maximus box when we were kids. And we were all hoping and praying you guys would make that G1 Unicron (which would’ve been the most size-appropriate Orson Welles toy to date!)

But even the 16” Unicron from the 2003 Armada line is DWARFED! That’s a PLANET THAT EATS OTHER PLANETS, people. And my boy Metty P just took him to school! (I don’t really talk like that. I’m just over-stimulated.)

The devastating puppy scene from the Autobot Players’ production of ‘Of Mice and Men.’ (“Why do you got to get killed, Optimus? You ain't so little as minicons. I didn't bounce you hard…")

As far as detail goes, it seems like there was a conscious effort to stay as close to the basics of the G1 design as possible. Augmented and more fully realized, of course.

One of the great little details are the decals that show Optimus Prime, Ultra Magnus, Bumblebee and Arcee “inside” Metroplex enjoying a leisurely Sunday stroll across Asia (this would have driven me insane as a kid; while you were playing football and learning geometry, I was obsessing over proper representations of scale in the Transformers universe. And crying. A lot.)

Speaking of scale, did I mention that there was a previous version of Metroplex?

(Crickets.)

Once again, the most thrilling feature here is the behemoth size. This thing is like the most well behaved toddler you’ve ever met.

Attention nerds: I know this younger version of Spike may not have existed with Metroplex. Don’t write me letters. Just pretend it’s Daniel and go back to your Torchwood marathon.

Metroplex also comes with a Generations-scale SCAMPER!

Sadly, no Slammer or Six-Gun (maybe they realized those sound like the names of questionable NYC nightclubs...?)

This guy is also equipped with lights and sound; while it’s not the most impressive feature of the toy, it does make you feel like you’re getting your money’s worth. And at $150, you’ll want every possible feature they can cram in there.

“What are you doing, Prime? This is highly irregular.”

The feature that sells me on the SDCC version is the G1-inspired chrome accenting. This is the kind of simple detail that a company like Hasbro can easily bring to an already-great toy that makes it even better and more appealing to the collector.

Rockets to move the legs? Sure, what the heck, why not?

The robot mode is so very impressive that it’s easy to forget that this is a TRANSFORMER. And here, once, again, Hasbro has given us exactly what we asked for: the same vehicle and city modes as G1. An upgraded classic.

I’m partial to the vehicle mode here, as (like the G1 release) the city mode just looks like Metroplex sitting in the grass with his head down and his legs spread. (insert one of several hundred possible crude jokes here.)

But really – who cares? Because you and I both know this thing is probably never switching out of his awesome robot mode.

Why have filet mignon when you can have… better filet mignon?

If you didn’t go to Comic Con, then you probably missed out on one of these. But you have options! You can pay a premium on the secondary market or you can pick up the slightly different version at retail. That one is still 24” tall but it lacks the chrome detailing, foil decals and the additional red missile launcher.

This unbelievable feat of design and engineering is nothing less than a love letter to G1 fans. As the Transformers universe has grown and changed to meet the expectations of the latest generation of fans, it’s comforting to know that we, the kids of the '80s who got in on the ground floor and helped make this brand the success it is today, are remembered and appreciated. Especially for this, the (obviously) last toy Hasbro will ever produce.

So long, Hasbro. You went out with titan class... literally.

Sincerely,
Tim Sheridan
Collector-Writer-Party Guest

Hang on – my phone’s ringing. I’ll just go ahead and type out the conversation for some reason...

Me: “It’s true. Mrs. Feeney is so much more than that. You might say she’s... more than meets the eye.”

Hasbro Rep: “Stop that! We’re calling to ask you to cease and desist spreading your false report that we’re closing down. We’re still very much in business, the wildly successful ‘Transformers’ line continues and, what’s more, we have some pretty amazing things coming down the pike...”