You Suck at Craigslisthttp://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com
Exactly what it says on the tin.Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:00:12 +0000en-UShourly1http://wordpress.org/?v=3.4.1YSaC, Vol. 1800: So long, and thanks for all the bees.http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=11792
http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=11792#commentsFri, 26 Dec 2014 13:00:12 +0000drmkhttp://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=11792
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So, in the summer of 2008 I was spending a fair amount of time on my local Craigslist. I started noticing that people in my town were pretty bad at Craigslist, and I started posting some of the more egregious ads to my Livejournal account (remember those?) and making fun of them. My friends made the mistake of encouraging me, and You Suck at Craigslist was born.

I made it through 200 posts using Roman numerals as titles before I figured out THAT was a bad idea. It was somewhere around post #350 that Dan started to help out, and we’ve been co-authoring it since then. Somewhere along the way we picked up the nicknames of the Llamanun and the Ostrimu, and also picked up the most clever bunch of minions – er, commenters – that the internet has ever seen. We held meetups wherever we went, and we got to meet people who … well, they got us, and they were wonderful.

We almost got to write a book somewhere in there, back when every blog on the internet was being offered a book, but lost out when we refused to dumb it down. We also almost got bought by a large cheeseburger-focused website, but that fell through too, because we would have lost the rights to everything we had done, and there were no guarantees that we could have kept doing it. We just liked doing it.

It’s been over six years of bees, things that aren’t lions, French non-Provincial furniture, and every spelling imaginable of chihuahua, armoire, and ottoman. We’ve made jokes about things as diverse as the Maginot Line, Chuck Close, and Marcel Duchamp. William Gibson, Roger Ebert, and Dan Piraro all publicly said they liked our website. We’ve written soliloquies, operas, and movies, and more song parodies than anyone other than Weird Al Yankovic. (Some of them even got recorded.)

And we loved every minute of it.

That’s why this is really hard for us. As life has a tendency to do, whether you want it to or not, life has changed for us since 2008, and both of us have things going on now that demand our attention. We’re at post #1800 as of today, which is a nice round number … and so as of today, we’re (un)officially calling an end to You Suck at Craigslist.

We’ve put together a list of the Best of the Worst posts of 2014, and we’d be honored if you took the time to re-read some of our favorite moments. As always, no clickbait – the original posts and our commentary are now all on one page, but we urge you to take the time to click through to each individual post and read the comments, which are usually the best part of the site.

Thanks to everyone – everyone who read the site, commented, or sent in submissions. The site would not have worked without you. Thanks to Craig Newmark for not suing us. And a special thanks to all of the Sparkys who posted on Craigslist and gave us such a wealth of material to work with. We will miss all of you.*

Iam looking for a editor

Iam looking to find a editor to try to help me do my book. Its a fantasy series and I just found out its going to cost some gig bucks to get it done. what kind of deal could we work out Iam up to just about anything besides some gay guy trying to get something from me. I can do a lot of things paint,remodel,driveways,roofing,car work. Hay Iam a guy that can do a lot of things and have had ny hands on a lot of stuff. So with that can we work a deal

OK, Iam (if that is your real name), let’s see if I can do some editing for you. You’re a homophobic jerk, so let’s see if I can make your post a little more hilarious:

…I can “do a lot of things”: “paint,” “remodel,” “driveways,” “roofing,” “car work.” Hay, Iam a guy that can “do a lot of things” and have had my hands on a “lot of stuff.” So with that can we work a deal?

There. Now to just repost this in “m4btwsami” (Men for biker types with serious anger management issues). Great – hopefully that gets you the attention your work deserves. Hopefully the btwsami doesn’t want apostrophes from you.

]]>Over the years, we’ve done our best to take care of our single readers. Specifically, we’ve tried to make sure they thank their lucky stars every day for that status. To that end:

Single and looking for cuddle boddy – 37

age : 37
I am 36. Single and looking for a cuddle boddy or a friend to hang out get to know as friends have a good time. My name is #### you text me
show contact info
Okay In [location] any city s close by only. I am a good person trustful nice carving maybe something more in future see what can happen .

This person’s interest in carvings would be terrifying, in the sense that maybe he’d do some carving on YOU after the ritual killing. Fortunately, he’s gotten a year younger just over the course of posting this ad, so the Benjamin Button syndrome’s probably eliminated the danger by now.

safety issue

He says they give him super powers. So idk? He did survive being hit by a moped, and he didn’t break a bone. And the clowns moped was totaled. So I’m beginning to wonder.

Chapstick Connoisseur is my Lipps, Inc. cover band.

What super powers would chapstick consumption convey? The ability to …

Okay, wait a minute. Seriously — you just know that the dancers in that video have had nightmares about this gig ever since, especially the poor girl designated the lead funky-seeker. I mean, she is not in any way funky, and she could really use an escort to somewhere that would provide her with the recommended daily allowance of funky to ameliorate her funkyless condition, but I’m not sure this was the best way to entice someone who has an excess of funky and the means to provide transport to allow her to accompany them on their journey.

I seem to have gotten distracted. Look, a clown on a moped! *crash* oops.

]]>One of the recurring themes on this site has been people who, when faced with a piece of furniture they’d like to part with, apparently just bash their hands on the computer keyboard in hopes that their frenzied actions will somehow miraculously spell the name of the thing they are trying to sell. I mean, it worked for Shakespeare’s monkeys, right?

amoria!

Very nice in good cond asking best offer

I’ve been writing this site for long enough that when I got this submission (in 2010), I was actually relieved that there wasn’t someone using the toilet in this picture, and kind of mentally glossed over the spectacular attempt to spell armoire.

vintage sofa chimpindale style

this is a good looking soft i want to find a home.

There weren’t any pictures with this one, so I’m taking bets at even odds that this ad was written by a person who is either trying to rehome a monkey or is in fact a monkey. But probably not one of Shakespeare’s monkeys.

And just for good measure, sometimes folks get the spelling right, but get so much else so very, very wrong:

Sleeping Beauty: Crow Edition – w4mm (My neighbor’s house)

Maleficent has struck again. Princess Aurora (or prince, not yet verified) has yet once again been cursed and has been in a deathlike sleep for the past 4 days. Maleficent has kicked it up a notch this time. Aurora is trapped in the body of a crow, sleeping peacefully on a tree swing in my neighbor’s front yard. So, I am now seeking a Prince Phillip to provide a true love’s kiss. Looking for someone with a good immune system, just in case this is just a random dead crow that happened to die in a really cool way. Yet, I’m pretty sure it’s Aurora. Kinda.

To apply, just show up to my neighbors house and start kissing the dead crow, I mean Aurora, and hopefully you’ll have the magic touch!
(If an older man comes out of the house and starts shooting at you, you didn’t get the job).
Good luck!

Most of the time, we don’t use this type of post on YSaC. This type of Sparky doesn’t really *suck* at Craigslist, they’re just trying a little too hard to be funny. It raises the question of why they pick Craigslist as their medium of choice in the first place, instead of a bathroom wall or the New Yorker, but whatever.

In this case, however, I am intrigued by their choice of category. “w4mm”, as far as I can figure it, is intended to be used by women looking for two men for a threesome, and not, for example, for people seeking romance with a dead crow. I’m pretty sure I don’t WANT to know what category that goes in, and if you bring up rule 34, I will punch you in the neck.

]]>Do you like to do work? Preferably something which requires years of training, and expensive equipment that you have to provide yourself? Are you nonetheless morally opposed to monetary compensation for such work? Mike, one of our regular readers, lives in a city where you’ll have PLENTY of opportunities!

REBRANDING! looking for VIDEO/PHOTOGRAPHER

compensation: no pay

GREETINGS!

Male Socialite looking to rebrand myself and webpage in the upcoming new year! I am looking to grow into a self proclaimed “Creatif”! I have plenty of concepts, and I am open to yours also! I am looking to create images from outlandish to fashionable. I am a graphic designer so raw or edited images are fine! Looking to shoot sooner then later, but open to scheduling things further into the year! Dont hesitate to hit me up! Looking forward to hearing from you!

Because helping you realize your dreams of becoming a modern day Oscar Wilde is definitely going to pay off down the road.

Photographer for Exotic Fitness Model

I’m beautiful and fit and I’m looking for a team of photographers that can capture my beautiful fit physique. I’m also building my brand so I’m interested in photographers that have great contacts in the health and fitness industry. I expect a full portfolio, I will provide my own wardrobe and makeup artist. You must have a professional portfolio of work before I will consider working with you.

Serious inquiries only. Forward your info including contact info.

No Pay. I provide you with a stunning model and you provide photos.

How about I just provide you with “no?” However, I know someone who MIGHT want to photograph you, just not in the way you intended:

A very particular kind of photography

I am an extremely experienced photographer looking for help for a new body of work I am putting together. I am looking for people to model for me for pictures that could show your face your eyes, your mouth, or any part of your body being touched. Yes, I would want to touch you–perhaps very intimately–while I am photographing you. No, I would not try to have sex with you. If you are interested, please shoot me a note. I am very serious about this. You get copies of everything, and if there is any kind of picture you need, I will shoot it for you.

If you really insist that there be at least a possibility of compensation, there’s always THIS guy:

Wanted: Online dating Digital Voice

compensation: Compensation based either on a flat weekly fee or incentive program

Getting a lot of matches on Tinder and Hinge, but schedule does not permit to holla at bitches all day long.

Need someone to craft endearing and provocative messages through my online dating networks with the end goal of securing real world dates. In other words, I am looking to hire someone to be my online dating digital voice. No help needed once date is secured as my real-life pimp game is on point.

Ideal Candidate:
- Lipstick lesbian who understands women, but who enjoys the company of men
- Non-judgmental and believes in efficiency
- Great sense of humor and dog-lover

Will compensate based either on a flat weekly fee or a more lucrative incentive system based on number of dates acquired per week.

But for real certainty that you’ll be making money, I think it’s hard to beat this position:

Precision Artist

DETAILED ARTIST

Needed a professional artist who is skilled in the art of fine detail. I am an ex-printer that specializes in making satirical knock-offs of various currency. This project is STRICTLY FOR FUN however. The artist should be skilled in rendering precision quality portraits of various popular deceased presidents. The artist needs to be thoroughly acquainted with color shifting inks and their application on various types of cloth paper stock and aware of the latest print technology including numerical type-setting. It would be of great benefit if they were familiar with new 3d technology such as making detailed holograms or at least willing to learn. This part is absolutely critical they must be willing to listen, pay attention, extremely eager to do a great job{PERFECTIONIST} and is willing to follow specific directions. Looking for that special person who is extremely motivated by company benefits {SPECIAL PERKS} and KNOWS exactly what he is doing. On a personal note no we don’t run background checks or use e-verify so we won’t know if you’ve ever been to a FEDERAL PENITENTIARY.

Japanese rickshaw

Small cellulite rickshaw good condition

I … ew. I had no idea this was a thing. I wonder if I can get someone to carve something out of my cellulite? You could probably end up with a replica of Michelangelo’s David just from my thighs, and have enough left over for a Lionel Richie bust (which is totally apropos, since it was probably cream cheese dip that created the cellulite in the first place). Ah, the circle of life continues …

Placenta – $40

My wife just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and I have heard a lot about people taking the placenta and eating it. It really doesn’t sound that good to me, but we are strapped for cash and it is being properly refrigerated. Please email me if you’re interested, the doctor said it should last a few days.

Gah. No. Also, no. It’s a thing, I get it … but no. And I’m definitely not eating someone else’s. I’m also terrified that my Google history now has the phrase “eating placenta” in it — in all caps, no less, because I accidentally hit the caps lock button so now Google thinks that I REALLY WANT TO TRY eating placenta. No thank you — THAT circle of life is ending.

Reply,Reply,Me,Me,Me,Me Brilliant – m4w

I love Shakespeare’s Sonnet 62, and in it’s irony, the poet’s partner has become part of the poet’s self and hence by praising himself he is in fact praising his beloved who is the source of beauty in the poet’s life.

The person whom sent me this response. It is a honor to run into someone ,whom is even aware with Shakespeare!I am very impressed that you are out there,hoping that you have secured a viable minds to share your views,and opinions,certainty there must be a man who appreciates cultivation in a woman. I like the Dark Knight have elected to not seek out brilliance,knowledge,or wisdom;inside of s society primarily inspired by social cues. Only a few walk amongst us worthy enough to know the meditations of Marcus A.Not many even have a interested in poetry these days,rarely is one heard in public reciting it openly with passion. Nevermore,Nevermore, my poetic mystery lady,you definitely have revealed that “I am not Alone”/ May i suggest a movie which you might find extremely interesting, produced for philosophical minds like yourself. On a cold night in a remote cabin, Professor John Oldman (David Lee Smith of CSI: MIAMI) gathers his most trusted colleagues for an extraordinary announcement: He is an immortal who has migrated through 140 centuries of evolution and must now move on. he name of the movie is the”The Man from Earth”.

I think these two lovebirds are made for each other. I mean, the poetic mystery lady who sent the response about Shakespeare’s Sonnet 62 clearly loves poetry enough to plagiarize an interpretation from a bizarre and questionable internet source, and our Dark Knight (minus brilliance, knowledge, or wisdom) has plagiarized the description of the movie he is so intent on having our heroine watch.

So let’s see: woman responds saying she’s very fond of a sonnet that is apparently a justification for narcissism, and man responds favorably with a reference to a movie about an immortal man who reveals that he himself was Jesus. (Oh, sorry, spoiler alert.)