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Draymond Green’s Penis: My Next Chapter

How did this happen? I was just lying there, minding my own business, when all of a sudden a large beam of light flashed me awake. I may’ve looked prepared, but I wasn’t. I hadn’t had my daily fluids. I was a little exhausted, tired from the late nights, early mornings, and Vanessa Carlton singalongs. Now, I’m all over the internet.

I never asked to be internet famous. My owner has always taken good care of me. When I feel threatened by big guys from New Zealand or royal knobs, my owner makes sure to punish them. He’s a misunderstood man. He’s not an emotionless robot. He’s always been undersized and undervalued. Like any man, he makes mistakes.

Putting me on the internet was a mistake. Can I forgive him? I’m certainly not happy with him at the moment. He’s been spending less and less time with me and then he does this. Maybe I need to disrespect him at a club in order for him to choke and slap me. We used to have such a strong connection, but everything changed in the Finals. I got him in trouble. I got him suspended for Game Five because I wanted him to attack Prince James. I don’t think he’s ever forgiven me.

Maybe this was his revenge. Put me on the internet for all to see. He may claim that it was a mistake. That it was only meant for one person. But why take that risk? Even if it was meant for only one person, that one person could’ve put me on the internet just as easily as he did.

I wish he could control his emotions a bit more. I know he tries to overcompensate for me and that leads to a lot of his troubles. I realize that I’m to blame for many of his actions. But I can’t help the way that I am. This is how God made me. I wish he would just accept that instead of shaming me and putting me on the internet. Now, we both have to live with this. The constant joking and laughing from the other members of Team USA is already too much. And it’s only going to get worse.

I know we can move past this. At the end of the day, we are one. When everyone doubted him, I was always by his thighs, supporting him through it all. We’re about to embark on the greatest season in NBA history together. We can’t lose sight of the bigger picture. Lock in.