Show me to detox! Cuba Gooding Jr. was a puddle at 2014 NHL Awards (videos)

The annual NHL Awards show, while certainly no ESPYs — whatever that means (is that even a rip?) — does nevertheless attempt to draw in “celebrities” outside of the sports world to help add a little glitz and glamor to the festivities.

But unlike the ESPYs, the NHL doesn’t quite possess the gravitational pull to draw in true A-listers, so the league and its regional sports orbit has to often settle for the kind of “celebrities” relegated to, you know, jumping at the opportunity to make an appearance at a sports awards show that few people outside the most die-hard and dedicated fans of said sport even bother to pay attention to.

You know, people like Cuba Gooding Jr., a hockey fan of some renown.

Well, Mr. Gooding Jr. — an Academy Award winner, mind you — has seen better days as far as his celebrity and notoriety is concerned — seriously, what was the last movie of any note or merit did he star in? — made a stumbling, slurred and appearance on the stage on Tuesday, and to say it was a total train wreck isn’t even scratching the surface of what a complete mess Cuba’s nearly seven minutes on stage turned out to be. We’re talking the epitome of hard-to-watch, unintentionally awkward comedy, if that’s even the right term for it.

Here’s a fantastic rundown of all the things that occurred while presenting three awards with Adam Graves: the King Clancy Trophy, the NHL Foundation Player Award and then the Mark Messier Leadership Award (as listed in progressively awkward instances by Puck Daddy):

Attempts to get a bored, dead crowd hyped.

Gets creepily animated by shouting out his words like he has Tourette’s.

Gets Pierre McGuire close-talking squirmy with Andrew Ference.

Hits on Andrew Ference’s wife, who we assume was somewhere in the building.

Refers to a young man who beat cancer as a Boston Bruins “flan.”

Kicks a box off the stage.

Makes a joke about the NHL not being able to afford wide-lens cameras.

Asks Mark Messier and Adam Graves to make a reverse Oreo with him – “Double Stuffed.” (What the what?)

Tells Mark Messier to unhand his posterior. Twice. Only he doesn’t say posterior.

Yamma hamman, it’s fright night. To wit:

Seriously, it is one ginormous dumpster fire. While it’s only a guess — but a sufficiently educated one given the video evidence — something tells me Gooding may have been imbibing upon some mood-altering chemicals prior to spilling out on to the stage. A complete and utter mess.

Here are some VINE videos that highlight Cuba at his best — or worst.

Hoo boy. But hey, it got people paying attention to the NHL Awards show, right? And even better for the once-famous actor, it got people talking about Cuba Gooding Jr., although perhaps not in the best way.