Modern communication: How we ignore one other

These are tough times if you value civility and civil discourse. I don’t have to tell you why; a check on your news feed and reading a few presidential impeachment tweets should convince you.

We’ve had to absorb two troubling and contradictory trends that the new social media technology brought us last decade. We are overwhelmed with connectedness. But we can also be ignored in a thousand more ways than we could in the 1990s.

So how do different generations get along in a world where ignoring texts and emails has become justified and commonplace? Perhaps even an accepted cultural practice?

First let’s do a comparison of etiquette between the pre-Internet and post-Internet generations. The rule below labeled “Then” is what most people over 30 consider proper communication etiquette. The rule labeled “Now” is our unfortunate present and future, dictated by Generation Z (insert appropriate old man grumbling here).

Then: When a person texts you, you text back as soon as you are not doing something that takes precedence, like driving or attending a work meeting.

Now: Text back only if it’s a Tier 1 friend. Tier 1 is a select group that includes only BFFs and no work friends. Non-Tier 1s may or may not get a response, depending on how persistent the texter is. A Tier 3 person should not bother texting.

Then: When an individual (not a company or marketing email) takes time to write an email with a specific question or request, you reply within 24 hours.

Now: Email?

Then: If someone calls and leaves a voice mail that has a specific question or a request for reply, you do your best to call back within 24 to 36 hours.

Now: Phones really should not be used to interrupt people with a ring or buzz; use them properly with a text, or WhatsApp, or Viber, or whatever.

Then: You apply for a job. You spend an entire morning dressed in your finest for an interview which took you an hour to drive to. When you are turned down for the job, an HR professional or, better yet, the person who interviewed you calls you personally to give the bad news. You part on good terms.

Now: You receive a boilerplate email generated by a job board. The interviewers give no feedback (lawsuits, you know), and they are never heard from again.

I won’t dig deeper into social media norms, but the general attitude that everyone has a right to filter and ignore at will is pervasive. It infects everything we do online and in the real world. Civility lost can be recovered. It’s not a zero-sum game between connectedness and courtesy.

Let us agree on a golden rule this holiday season: Respond to others as you would want them to respond to you. Simple, but hard to follow.

A conscious decision not to ignore is likely to bleed into everyday life and give us real connectedness, not the kind that comes from a likes-and-followers campaign. Try the golden rule the next time what’s-her-name emails you something about whatever.