The liberal media's latest howl (in lieu of discussing silly trivialities
like, well, issues) is that the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy has struck
again -- by inserting a subliminal message into a Bush-for-President TV
commercial.

In
the ad, a voiceover criticizes Gore's health plan, while words flash over
the screen for emphasis. The word 'BUREAUCRATS' appears, then zips left,
briefly (1/30th of a second, according to New York Times stopwatches)
leaving visible only the letters: 'RATS.'

Get it? Al Gore . . . RATS?

The liberal media is so outraged, they can speak of nothing else -- not
Gore's campaign funding scandals, his relationship with Clinton, his phoney
spending figures.

Nooooooo, the liberal media instead warns of a Republican mind-control
conspiracy. It's so stuck in their craw, they even report that George
W. Bush mispronounces the word as 'subliminable.' No subliminal [MANGLES
WORDS] message [CAN'T NAME LEADER OF CHECHNYA] there [DYSLEXIC TOO], huh?

And regarding conspiracies -- if we had killed Vince Foster, it would
have looked like a suicide!

But why bother with denial? The liberal media will never trust conservatives.
So why not exploit their paranoia -- and scare them out of their wits?

Let's admit there really is a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy (VRWC) -- and
we're behind everything.

. . . EVERYTHING!

We confess: we secretly planned the Waco tragedy -- and for subliminal
reasons!

We observed how 'Reno' is an anagram for 'Nero,' the evil Roman Emperor
who started a fatal fire and blamed it on religious cultists. So we framed
Attorney General Janet Reno for starting a fatal fire . . . and blaming
religious cultists.

Now, every time you hear 'Reno,' you subliminally think, 'Nero.' I'm
surprised the New York Times hasn't caught on!

They do suspect that we entrapped poor Bill Clinton in all those sex
scandals. Indeed, witness how the VRWC's undercover agents have assumed
names involving subliminal wordplay:

Nor is Al Gore [OGRE] immune from our subliminal tentacles. You thought
we'd let him evade Clinton's legacy of deceit? Then look at the subliminal
message transparently concealed in the name of Gore's running mate: "Lie,
Be Our Man!"

Even Al Gore's own name falls victim. The medical term 'Algor Mortis'
refers to a corpse cooling down to room temperature -- so what better
name for a stiff and lifeless candidate?

Check the encyclopedia about the Revolutionary War. The American commander-in-chief
was, of course, General George Washington. The British, meanwhile, had
two consecutive commanders-in-chief: Generals William Howe and Henry Clinton.

Get it? GEORGE W(ashington) versus WILLIAM (Howe and Henry) CLINTON.

That's right! We went back in time and changed American history, so that
it would foreshadow this millennium-year presidential election, subliminally
associating George W. Bush with American freedom -- and William Clinton
with British imperialism!

Will liberal media reporters ever accept such historical wordplay as
mere random chance (or God, editorializing)? Nooooooo, their overriding
paranoia drives them to perceive the subliminal hand of the Vast Right
Wing Conspiracy everywhere, every time!

But given we're so Vast and Conspiratorial, dare you liberal media reporters
mess with us Right Wingers?

We control the vertical, we control the horizontal -- and we can control
you, too. We can curdle your milk, ruin your crops, and make you fat (and
you thought it was the donuts!). We can even not-too-subliminally link
your name with obnoxious obscenity [CLYMER].

So isn't it time you treated us with fairness and respect?

For starters, discuss the real issues -- and lay off the dumb conspiracy
theories.

Stop blaming us for everything. Like, the word 'RATS' is also inside
'DEMOCRATS' -- but it's not our fault.