Given this hyper-sexualized social landscape our tech-savvy youth are navigating, I am convinced it is more important than ever that parents have meaningful conversations with youth about their sexuality. And the emphasis needs to on the practical value of prudence and modesty, so that there can be a chance for hope, and then to embrace standards of conduct aimed to find a loving mate for life. As with drugs, and devices, it helps to be purpose-driven so we do not become the “tool”; and how our children perceive their sexuality in this regard is a big deal. Our children need to know that they have the power to choose to abstain from casual sex and survive the “sky is falling” moments heaped on by peer pressure at very early ages.

A recent blog post on Fight The New Drug, “Sex Before Kissing: How 15-Year-Old-Girls Are Dealing with Porn-Addicted Boys”, outlines how internet pornography has conditioned many youth to accept and/or experience their sexuality as a superficial aspect of their humanity, and that sexual aggression is inconsequential to their well-being and their future. Girls and boys today are inundated by exploitative images, messages and experiences that emanate from pornography.

And while this tension between the sexes is not new, internet-powered sexualization of youth has changed the dynamic of learning about intimacy skills in the imperative to search for a lifelong mate to make a family. At younger ages, a child’s view of sexuality is easily corrupted by porn via the internet and social media (as it is pushed at them, they do not need to hunt for it), which does not recognize the persons involved in the sexual act, nor does is convey the mutual respect and intimacy that God designed us to enjoy in a spouse. What is very alarming about this ethnographic portrait of the youth culture, (and as documented in the book written by Nancy Jo Sales about American girls and how social media influences the sex life of teenagers hidden from adults) is that internet porn is infecting boys and young men who are relating to the opposite sex as tools for pleasure and trophies of dominance. This corruption is a violent assault on their identity as strong, caring, spiritual human beings, and has created a crisis for girls who are feeling assaulted daily. Below are some of the findings shared:

On-line sexual abuse and harassment are becoming a normal part of daily life.

And even though it is common, most girls find it unacceptable to request naked pictures.

Internet pornography is molding and conditioning the sexual behavior and attitudes of boys, and girls are left without resources to deal with “porn-saturated boys”.

Some girls explain that they give into sex acts in order to appease the boyfriend who pressures them relentlessly.

Sex is viewed as some kind of performance that only counts if the boy is enjoying it.

Girls are groped at school on campus; many boys feel entitled to have access to girls’ bodies.

Some adolescent boys educated by porn can be inspired to rape, as the attitude embraced in the “porn mind” is that girls and women are eager to pleasure men, and if they say no, it is just a matter of more persuasion. The actual consent, or genuine will, of the woman is of no consequence in this bondage mindset.

And another factor contributing to sexual chaos for tech-savvy youth is revealed in Sales’ book on American girls: that in this hyper-sexed culture, the girls are also expected to be sexually aggressive – and they are at the same time bullied for being a slut if they do not do it in the “right way”. What???

Growing up in today’s porn culture, girls quickly learn that they are service stations for male gratification and pleasure. –Melinda Liszewski

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Kevin Phillips is the Executive Director of Life Star Sacramento, which offers sex addiction treatment and workshops on intimacy. He is concerned that unchecked, internet porn is grafting the hearts and minds of many young men to the machine, and away from women. “Relationships are problematic,” he said, “and yet the prize is intimacy.” He explains further that we do not hunger for sexual release, as porn suggests. “What we hunger for is affirmation and appreciation. Sexuality is at its best when it is expressed as affirmation and appreciation for the whole person.”

According to Phillips, intimacy is a skill that is developed through a courtship experience. So if you are conditioned to select a girl or a woman, much like an offering in a catalog to engage in sexual relations without first getting to know her – what have you learned? “In a courtship, before holding her hand, you have to learn how to talk to a girl,” he said. Texting and social media appear to offer shortcuts, wherein inhibitions are lowered and it does not take much courage to ask for a naked photo. Phillips sums it up nicely: “For youth sex is easy, intimacy is hard.”

Below are the five elements of intimacy offered by Phillips that can guide you to formulate your own talking points for a conversation with your tween or teen about the beauty and promise of their sexuality.

Five elements of human intimacy

Experiential. Experience life together.

Explore life together. Share and learn from one another’s perspectives. Disagree with respect.

About: We are a non-profit education center founded in Roseville, CA to strengthen the parent-child bond in a hyper-connected world. Our mission is to restore families with the mustard seed of faith that declares liberty already belongs to the soul because one God, the Creator of all humanity, grants every human being intelligence and free will to choose what to believe, and that is power that can never be taken, but is easily surrendered to the bully, the drug or the device. To that end, ten percent of all proceeds are donated to prison ministries. Your donations are greatly appreciated. (Donations are payable to Banana Moments Foundation).

Joanna Jullien is an educator and speaker on strengthening the parent-child relationship in a cyber-powered world. Trained in behavioral science at U.C. Berkeley, she is a mother of two grown sons, an author of books on parenting, growing up and family life in the network culture. As a family and technology culture advisor, Joanna has appeared on 103.9FM The Fish, 710AM Keeping Faith in America, 1380AM The Answer, and Examiner.com.

About Joanna Jullien

Joanna and her husband have raised two sons in Roseville, CA. She has a degree from U.C. Berkeley in Social Anthropology (corporate culture). Her honors thesis was awarded the Kroeber Prize and funding from National Science Foundation.