I've been a mom for over 30 years, but with 10 kids and six grandchildren, I'm still learning as I go! I've got hundreds of articles on common sense motherhood, spiritual inspiration, practical homemaking, and more. All the answers? No way! Something to think about? I hope so! Join me!

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Friday, December 27, 2013

"The Freedom to Make Mistakes" (Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel)

Dear friends,

So yeah, it's been well over two years since I started thisReflections on Grace Based Parenting seriesbased on Tim Kimmel's book, and a year and a half since the last post on it. Now it's finally time to finish up so I can pass along the book to one of my daughters who is expecting her first baby this spring. I already gave a copy to her older sister, who has two little boys already. It’s funny to be well into the grandparenting years while still parenting young ones of my own at home.

The final two chapters are “The Freedom to Make Mistakes” and “Evening Grace.” Trust me, in 26 years of mothering, I’ve made a boatload of mistakes! So glad for grace to change and move on! Here are some of the quotes from these chapters which are most helpful to me:

“Parents who embrace grace make their homes a safe place for average kids to develop into extraordinary people. In these types of homes, weaknesses and inadequacies aren’t a big deal. These families are overseen by shrewd mothers and fathers who see their children’s fragile features as opportunities for God’s power to shine through them. They also know that giving their children a safe place to work through their vulnerabilities keeps these shortomcings from getting in the way of their true greatness.”

“If anything, grace should motivate you to a higher holiness. Grace-based homes aren’t places where family members assume they can say whatever they want, see whatever they want, hear whatever they want, taste or drink whatever they want, or touch whatever they want. That’s not grace. That’s someone wanting to live his or her own life with no regard for what God has said or what He thinks. But when grace is in place, there is clearly a different attitude toward sin in homes without grace…. People who walk by faith are far more capable of developing a godly and righteous lifestyle because they are finding their power for living in their personal relationship with the Lord.”

“It’s not that grace-based homes don’t take their children’s sin seriously. Nor is it that grace-based homes circumvent consequenceds. It isn’t even that grace-based homes do nothing to protect their children from attacks and temptations that threaten them from outside. They do all these things, but not for the same reasons. Grace-based homes aren’t trusting in the moral safety of their home or the spiritual environment they’ve created to empower their children to resist sin…. Bottom line: Grace-based families realize that their children will struggle with sin. They consider it an honor to be used by God to show their children how to find true forgiveness in Christ. They are not intimidated by the dialogue that brings the discussion of sin to light. In fact, they are grateful to be able to come alongside their children with an unconditional love during some of their toughest hours.”

“A grace response to your children’s sin is to avoid condemnation. You can evaluate their wrong actions, discuss their negative effects, and even voice the pain and disappointment that you have experienced as a result of it. But you don’t want to condemn. Condemnation corners them and doesn’t offer much hope. Condemnation attacks their character rather than addresses their behavior. When you condemn, it causes a reflex within them to defend themselves. Often your condemnation oes little more than to make a bad situation far worse.”

“Providing consequences for sin is a loving form of grace. It says, “I love you too much to let you continue in this pattern and grow up to be bad.” Meting out fair and consistent consequences for their negative actions tells children there is a mature and decent parent overseeing their lives. Letting them get away with sin says just the opposite. It tells them they have an immature parent who is more concerned about their comfort than with their children’s dignity.”

“You have been singled out to do a favor for God. He is asking you to be His representative to a small but vital part of the next generation. He needs someone to be His voice, His arms, and His heart. He chose you.”

I’m glad I read these chapters tonight. They are good reminders for me. A lot has happened in our family since I started the series. There have been some really tough circumstances and hard decisions, as well as some positive progress and sweet memories. Looking back and looking forward, I know that I need to be more consistently proactive in my mothering to help my kids deal with the complexities of life. I have swung the pendulum from severe to lax, and need to find my middle rhythm in grace.

I sat down with my five younger kids for about 15 minutes this evening – nothing long and drawn out. I read to them Ephesians 2:1-10 (grace of course!) and then chatted for a little bit about asking God to help us grow spiritually so that we want to do the right thing from the heart. We also talked about some of the ways we need to pull it together as a family in the areas of responsibility around the house. I tried to keep our family meeting light and sweet, and I think I got through to them at least a little bit! We need to do this more often. I’ll also give them a detailed list of reasonable expectations about chores, meals, use of electronics, etc. I’ll tweak it based on this evening’s discussion and give it to them soon. They did get to choose the days they wanted to do dishes. A little choice goes a long way toward cooperation.

How about you? How do you embrace grace in your home? I’d love to see your comments. If you’re a blogger or you’ve found something good about parenting on the Internet, feel free to link related posts!