MARRIAGE: A VERB OR A NOUN?

We are writing this article on the date of our 19th
wedding anniversary, a moment that perfectly captures that odd
paradox of time. It seems impossible that we have been taking on
life with one another for nineteen years and in the same breath it
feels like we have been journeying together far longer than a mere
228 months! As we work daily with others to better achieve their
"intentional living," we are continually reminded to uphold that
challenge to ourselves both personally as well as maritally. While
we try to celebrate our marriage each day, it is helpful to take
this anniversary day and give focused retrospection of how we have
lived out our marital promises during the past year, as well as to
set specific goals of how we would like to further grow our
marriage for the upcoming year. This specified day draws our
attention to our experience as a couple and reminds us that
marriage is an ongoing, living, breathing entity that requires
continual nurturance in order to truly thrive rather than merely
survive.

We live in a culture that is often schizophrenic, speaking to
the need for quality connection in our relationships but demanding
that our time and energies be spent in other places, pulling us
everywhere else but home. We drag our fatigued and spent selves
back to our relational partner offering little to nothing toward
one another, feeling frustrated and empty while wondering what went
wrong. We feel criticized for the condition of our marriage because
our culture is perceived as being so "pro-marriage." Perhaps in
theory this perception does hold a partial truth. Our society does
seem to promote marriage as a social institution, busying itself
with pushing individuals toward taking this seemingly
important step. Yet once that step has been taken, the language
shifts into mock and ridicule for those lured into believing that
institutional living would offer anything other than entrapment.
Taunted now by social commentary on the glamorous and
freedom-promoting single life style that has been sacrificed, the
mired married further sink into hopelessness. Communities of faith
often sought out for strength and guidance in these difficult times
may only compound the sorrow and guilt by admonishing all that
should be in the lives of the faithful versus what
is the reality of our lives. In this double-speak, no-win
context, many couples will eventually settle in to serve out their
institutionalized sentence and equate marriage to merely NOT being
divorced. Co-existing as roommates collected under the same roof,
the prophecy regarding institutional life is now fulfilled.

The "pro-marriage" flavor of our culture seems to be seen more
commonly in the view of marriage as a noun, something that can be
obtained, a product that can be owned, rather than as a verb, an
action or motion, a process that is being done. Webster defines
process as "a continuing development involving many changes." How
apropos when thinking of the essence of marriage. While it can be
referred to as a state of being, its potential is more reflected in
the ongoing experience and movement that a verb indicates. We will
continue to be impacted by the pressures of society to live in its
love-hate relationship with marriage. We will continue to live
amidst the pull of job, church, school, and community demands for
our time and energies at the expense of our family and relational
focus. But we can remind ourselves that we really do have the power
to choose how we will live our lives. We do select what our
priorities are and have the power to organize our energies toward
that which we most value. We believe that we do not have to settle
to simply live out an institutional sentence.

Imagine what might happen if we all would ban together and
REFUSE to live from a relational cage? Would we all expect more
from ourselves and our relationships and work toward developing
these changes? Would we be able to live in the process of growth
and development rather than from merely a state of being? Which
would better promote the essence of marriage….noun or verb?