Sunday, October 16, 2011

I'm the Home Ec. Teacher. No, I'm not Joking.

For anyone who knows me personally, this is going to be a belly buster laughing sort of moment.

I'm teaching Home Ec.

Well, they are calling it Life Skills for the senior class, but it's basically Home Economics. This is the stupidest thing that has happened to me since I became the pastor's wife. Talk about unqualified. I am unbelievably unqualified for this teaching experience. I'm a terrible homemaker. No, really. I mean it.

﻿It's sort of like when people find out we have four kids--the next question they ask is, "Oh, do you homeschool?" Um, no. Just because I over bred, I wasn't suddenly tranformed into a pre-school/elementary school teacher. I realize that I'm completely unqualified to homeschool, so it wasn't an option. Not only that, but I'd kill The Fashionista. (I'm not joking.) Same way, I'm not exaggerating my lack of homemaking skills. I really stink at it. And I'm not all that concerned. God, The Husband, and I are all good here.

Now, for those who don't know me all that well, I'll illustrate exactly why this is so thigh-slapping funny.

1) I hate to clean. No, really. I have a maid.

2) I am an average cook and make most things that are best described as "truck stop food".

3) I have a widespread reputation as a house plant killer from way back. The entire Wal-Mart nursery section shudders collectively when I roll through, praying to the plant gods that it isn't their day.

4) I don't coupon, don't make homemade soaps or cleaners, and I don't do anything crafty. Please don't make me. Please.

5) My laundry room looks like a bomb went off in it. If it's cleaned up, something is bad wrong.

6) The idea of making something crafty makes me slightly nauseated. I don't own a staple or glue gun, and I don't want either. I will borrow one if there is a crafting emergency.

7) My mother crochets like a wild woman. I've got blankets and throws and stuff from one end of my house to the other, hence, there is absolutely no reason for me to learn to crochet.

8) I don't sew. If something needs a button or rips, this is a sign from God that I'm supposed to put it into the donation bin or give it to my mother to fix. Needles are for getting splinters out of Shorties.

2013

Shorties

That's right.

live love laugh

Definitions

Often used terms:

Perfect Mommy Title--a play-pretend "contest" that all moms are consciously or unconsciously participating in. You know, when you go on and on about how precious and smart and wonderful little Suzie or Billy is at the playground, and when you illustrate all of the fabulous "Mom" stuff you do for your children like homemade lunches with the sandwiches cut into shapes and peeling the grapes and all of that mess...you're in the game.

Sister Sunshine Charlotte--This is what The Husband calls my alter ego, the person who is constantly on a tear about something, complaining to customer service, indignant, difficult, demanding, dominant, Preaching to the Choir. Of course, Charlotte the Mother Bear is nothing like that other woman. :-)

Shorties--Kids. They are shorter than adults. Get it?

The Husband--We've been married so long we are basically the same person.

About Me

I'm an almost 50-year-old mother of five Shorties--Elise (Big E), Elaina (Naynuh), Hannah (Sister), Carter (The Number One Son), and Lilly Grace (The Little Flower), married to The Husband 23 glorious years. That about sums it up.