Today I went to town to pick up a wire from my renter. Or former renter... but as I was in town, I decided to stop off for a coffee, call my grandma, and just sit and relax. Every time I go to town, I have the kids. In fact... I ALWAYS have the kids. So today... I did not, they were at home with their Dad. So I decided to enjoy a cup of coffee, and just relax. Watch the tourist go by. It was really nice. I ran into a older guy that I have met before, but only in passing. He asked if I wanted to join his group for a moment and i said yes. This guy, almost 70 by now, moved to this town over 35 years ago. It was like talking to a history book. We had a great conversation and they I realized... oh shit... I am late. Ruben has to be at work. And my husband is not the kind who does well when I am not accounted for. At this point I started to panic and raced home. When I got there, I was too late. He needed to go to work and took our kids over to our friends house. As soon as I got home I ran over there, got my kids and started to cry. I was, and still am sure that he is going to be so mad at me for not being at home.

I was in front of Gabby's house. This is the woman who made the tamales that I wrote about in an earlier post. I went inside and talked to her. More like poured my soul. And she was so calming. My faith is one that is very different then any of the people that I know. And she is a woman who really gets it. It was amazing to talk to her. Just to listen to her stories. And when I told her my concerns. How mad I thought Ruben might be when he got home. She made an excellent point. For one she is not Mexican. She is from Africa, raised in Austria, married to a Mexican and living the cultures of all. Being married to a Mexican man is an educational experience. One of patience, ultimate sacrifice, love and devotion. They have passion. With that comes stubbornness, stupidity and... well, anyway. It is a learning experience. I sat at her table so upset. "Ruben is going to be so mad." etc. etc. and by the end of talking to her. ( and half way through another friend came in and hung with us. An Argentinian woman who is also wonderful, totally out of her element and living here with nothing... just trying to make it and make it better then she had. Now granted I am here against my initial will. But through my... I would call it faith but it feels false. .. my learning.. (maybe that is exactly what faith is) I am learning that here is exactly where I am supposed to be. I do not know... I cannot blog about this yet. I have not worked it out in my head.

My mom made an interesting comment to me... she said.. in regards to my last post... maybe these are thing better left for a journal.. I realized something... this is my journal. And the thought that I have in my head are okay to say out loud. There are very few things in my life that I try to hide. I am not ashamed. I have even smoked weed in front of people that traditionally speaking... I should not have. But I am not ashamed. There is nothing that I do that I am ashamed of. maybe that is why I get so angry when my husband gets mad at me. I just think... "you know what... there is nothing that I have ever done that you would be ashamed of."

maybe I am crazy. Well, to be fair.. I am sure that I am crazy. but maybe this is one of those reason why its true. :) I don't know. I just thin that I am pretty proud of who I am. I do nothing to hurt others. If I do I work really hard to make it right. I am true to who I am, and happy to learn more about who I could be. Why should I be ashamed. ... Maybe there is a good reason but today... I feel like I am in a good place. We will see when Ruben gets home if he agrees. :(

This IS your journal, your diary, say what you need to say! I always think of my blog as therapy, lol!

Though I must admit at this point, not everything gets posted, but surely everything gets written and that is just as therapeutic for me. Not everyone has to read it, I just need to spew from my fingertips and I often feel better.