Villaraigosa's SOTU Response for U.S. Conference of Mayors: We Interpret for You

L.A.'s own Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa gave the official response to President Obama's State of the Union address last night for the U.S. Conference of Mayors.

Mayor V. is the president of the group. (And we know he didn't use his sizable staff of taxpayer-funded public relations advisers to write this well-thought-out reaction, because that would be a no-no).

We speak Villaraigosese and translated for you:

Villaraigosa's actual words:

In his State of the Union address tonight, President Obama presented an inspired and inspiring vision of an America built to last. An America where everyone gets a fair shot, everyone does their fair share, and everyone plays by the same rules.

Our interpretation:

Things aren't going so well here, Mr. President. I'm a lame duck, my city's facing another few-hundred-million in red ink come summer, and I'm not sure where my next paycheck's coming from. If you're reelected, won't you hire me? I'll even take a sub-Cabinet position. Hell, make me ambassador to Spain. I speak a little Spanish.

Villaraigosa:

President Obama showed the country that he will keep fighting for the investments we need to turn our economy around ...

To put America back to work, Congress should start by passing the Boxer-Inhofe surface transportation bill, a bill that includes the innovative America Fast Forward initiative.

America Fast Forward is simple. It would accelerate the construction of locally-funded road and rail projects by providing flexible, low-interest loans from the federal government.

Interpretation:

Dude, we need federal cash, fast. First of all, our roads are so bad and infested with potholes that we're even getting bad press from the New York Times. Help me, please. And if I'm ever going to get my trademark Subway to the Sea completed, I need Washington money. Billions. My hand is out.

And, finally, Villaraigosa:

We also ask leaders in Washington to step up their support for the Community Development Block Grant program. CDBG provides $4 billion annually for programs such as affordable housing and job training for low-income residents. Eliminating the program would be a devastating blow to our citizens.