Saturday, October 3, 2009

MORE sky and confessions of a people pleaser

Work was very busy this week (again) and to be honest I can hardly remember any details from the blur of the last 7 days.I am happy its over.

And I am looking forward to a weekend with very few plans

Its an odd thing feeling judged by those around you. Feeling (or knowing) that there are those who don’t like you. Traditionally I have always been a people please – er. I felt almost as if it were my job and I would do it to the best of my ability. To a fault certainly.

I have since gotten (and am trying to get) a little better about this.

But in so doing I am slowly starting to realize that that means I need to be ok with other people not always being pleased. Not always liking me. Sometimes they are going to think I am making a mistake or doing something badly or they will just not think that I am a person who they want to spend their time with.

And all of that needs to be ok with me.

Once over this last week someone who I would call a friend got rather accusing. And I went against my usual reaction, and instead I got mad. Because I knew that I had nothing to hide, I knew that I was not guilty of the thing she felt so inclined as to accuse me of. And I got mad. And I told her how I felt. And I provided proof as much as was possible, though I thought she was being completely unreasonable to ask me for it. And she said she was sorry and I forgave and we both moved on (though we haven’t really spoken since…).

And during this whole experience I realized two things:

1. It was really nice to stand up for myself,

to defend myself when necessary and to be honest about how I felt.

It was nice to not apologize when

I didn’t think I had anything to be sorry for.

2. I also realized that this wouldn’t have been possible

if I really had been guilty of what she thought I was guilty of.

Which is serving as a good reminder to me that if its something

I would be ashamed to admit to a friend

then I probably shouldn’t be doing it.

I have also been realizing that perhaps other people’s opinions about who I am or what I do should be a bit less important to me then they are now. If I know what I am doing and why and I am ok with my actions and my reasons they why does it really matter if other people aren’t ok with them. My thoughts, deeds and actions are mine, no one else’s, and its not my job to justify them to all those around me.

I also know that my attitude is very different if someone comes to me with concern and worry for my wellbeing instead of being accusing and angry I am a whole lot more likely to want to sit down and have a nice conversation about it.