From Homeschooling to Home-Churching…

A new trend in the religious upbringing of children has recently emerged in the heart of the Bible Belt. “Home-churching,” the individual, family-based worship of Jesus Christ, is steadily gaining in popularity, as more parents seek an alternative to what they consider the overly humanist content of organized worship.

Bahahahahaha!

Norville Tucker, who moved his family to the woods outside Shelby, AL in 1998 to “escape the damaging cultural influences of urban Mobile,” is widely credited with pioneering the home-churching movement. Tucker said he was inspired to home-church when his 10-year-old son Macon returned from Sunday school singing a lighthearted song about Zacchaeus, a tax collector befriended by Christ, and then later recited the parable of the Good Samaritan. “I couldn’t believe that the liberal elite had infiltrated even the study of our Holy Scriptures,” Tucker said. “It was bad enough that my youngsters were being taught evolution in public schools, but when I discovered they were learning to embrace foreigners and Big Government in Sunday school, I drew the line.”

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And now the best part

Home-churchers create their own services, emphasizing close readings of Old Testament books led by a parent, and sermons that often exceed two hours. Proponents of home-churching argue that, when handed down by family members, biblical teachings take on a more direct, personal meaning. Additionally, they say home-churching reinforces familial bonds.

The Onion has nailed both the absurdity of ‘seclusion from society’ and the ridiculousness of the ‘we can do it better ourselves and don’t need anyone else because we’re better than everyone else’-ness of lots of homeschoolers. Well done, Onion, well done. After all, what kid DOESN’T want to be cooped up with their parents 24 hours a day, 7 days a week…