Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn’t show up. Sam didn’t think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. owever, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so.

Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?’ Russ replied, ‘I have been in jail.”Jail!’ cried Sam. What in the world for?’

‘Well,’ Russ said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go?’ ‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her? ‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty.’ ‘The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’ (sent by Dale Dutcher)

You’re An EXTREME Redneck When…
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table … in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines. ‘
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: ‘I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!’ Hung Chow calls into work and says,’Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.’

The boss says, ‘You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.’ Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ‘I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house’

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all – right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck…Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”