DiSaBiLiTiEs

Nobody will ever understand nor will they comprehend...the world so small, yet so complex. To me it is nothing but a dangerous time bomb ready to explode. Life, so short, yet so long...it is almost to infinity. I am going nowhere, time is moving but I am standing still like a statue, a stone-cold statue. At first it seemed hopeless, now it seems helpless. I am drowning in a sea of sorrow, water fills my mouth. I am choking slowly fading away into the mist. I feel doomed and isolated. My family tries to break through, my mom and dad, but it’s like breaking through ice. They see a reflection of me, in the murky sea water. If I was different, and how much happier things would be. From the beginning I was lost in a desert of recklessness but that desert has soon yet to become an oasis. A flower, struggling to bloom, the sun refusing to shine. This is how I felt. Deep inside, I know none of them. All my friends, family and acquaintances will never understand what I go through, my fears, feelings and dread. I am scared and frightened. It is all so confusing. Some describe it as being part of a maze. Others cannot even explain it because they do not care nor do they give a damn about what I have or this strange disease that has infected me like a bad cold that never fades. Everyone thinks they are helping while they are only making it worse...until they push it too far and I crack open like an egg. I feel like I just sprung a leak like a rusted pipe. People, they trap me in a cage without a key. “It’s so easy”...they say, he has it easy...his life must be so “easy”. Monsters, disgusting, despicable makes me want to throw up. My head, it is shrinking to the size of a tangerine...it hurts. Popularity, has nothing and is nothing. To me it is as blank as a black hole sucking me in deeper, deeper... I do my best, yet it doesn’t make a difference, everyone says no it doesn’t make a difference what you do, “try harder”. But let’s face it, no one can save me, they can try and try until I am dead. Never will they know what it is like to be ME. This is how it will stay...Forever.

The author's comments:

I wrote this to share my feelings to other people who are austistic like me...what we go through in life, our feelings and fear in being different with the rest of society. Hopefully everyone who reads this piece with or without disabilities will understand how we feel about being different.

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I'm a teen with SPD, which is a disorder that affects social skills, and is very similar to Aspeger's syndrome. Nathan, this is how I exactly felt during my grade school years, no matter how I tried to fit in with my peers, it never worked and they always rejected me or teased me; It's like I had a gene that prevented me from relating with others. At times, it felt like I had to pretend to be human. I'm was and still am, a very complex person, it seems like nobody can understand us, unless they suffer from our disorder or something very similar to it. Thing's will get better and continue living to find your niche in life. Good news is, things get better after high school, I find college very refreshing.

I just wanted to tell you how deeply moved I am after reading your article. You have done a wonderful job of sharing your true feelings about your life, and how the surrounding world affects you. Even though life has been difficult for you at times, you should be proud of all you have accomplished. You are an amazing person, and an incredible writer! Keep up the good work!

That is a first rate piece of writing. You conveyed so well your view of your life and your world in a clear and very easy to read manner. I was very impressed with how you explained your view of others and how you see them in your life. There are many adults (old like me !) that do not have the insight that you shared in your writing. You have a special writing skill,Nathan,that others only dream of having. Keep sharing this skill with your family and friends !

Nathan, your writing is beautiful! The images that you create are so vivid that it helps me understand what you experience every day. Thank you for sharing your incredible insight. You are a gifted writer!

Nathan, I am grateful for your open and candid honesty. Like many people, I know very little about autism. Like a lot of people, exposure to things I don't understand triggers my own worries and fears and may block my abilities to feel or comprehend. But I do empathize with this: try as we might, true connection with other people is as elusive and cloudy as you aptly describe. The feelings of isolation and loneliness even when surrounded by others, can be dreadful. You are not alone in this aspect of the struggle you describe, yet we each face them in our own silence. The appearance of social comfort or acceptance from others, "popularity" or "conformity" can be an illusion that only buries deeper the vulnerability we each feel. I applaud your courage. Silently and independently I am with you offering strength and support. Life's struggles can mold and shape an individual into more than they'd hoped to become. Keep up the good work!

Dear Nathan, I am one of many people in your life that you make my life better. When I see you, I feel an energy that comes over me that I don't get from other people. You are an inspiration to me Nathan and you make me want to be a better person. You have many great qualities in a human being Nathan and I hope you can feel how important you are to so many people in this world. Keep up what you are doing Nathan. You are a great, young man and I'm proud to know you and call you a friend.

I think Nathan conveys the daily battle an autistic person has with being different through no fault of their own and being alone in this autistic world that normal people do not understand. I am Nathan's dad and I have seen how hard Nathan has tried over the years to fit in and be normal. He has worked so hard acedemically and socially to try to meet these so called normal expectations and it hurts him time and time again when he realizes that it is not working. Fortunately Nathan has built a group of friends with similar disabilities and they are able to have fun and feel safe. Nathan is the reason I go to work every day and work my hardest and do my best to earn enough money to ensure he has a happy, safe and secure life. I love him and accept him for the wonderful person he is and I am humbled by his ability to face life with the enthusiasum he does. Nathan, great insight. I love you and will always be there for you.

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