He is charmed into taking a cameo as Daniel Day-Lewis in a post-Weinstein remake of The Player. In six seconds of cinema he carries so much of the grizzled, divine essence of DDL that he cracks a supporting actor Oscar nod. The seal broken, the cabinet-making industry’s loss is cinema’s gain, as he takes on “important” roles, climaxing in a devastating portrayal of the lead in Oliver Stone’s Trump!.

Paul Simon

As long ago as the 90s, Paul Simon was touting his own end. “I’m thinking of this show as a very big ending,” he said of his Broadway musical The Capeman in 1998. Twenty-five years after he said goodbye to Art Garfunkel in 1993’s “The Concert of a Lifetime” series, he’s now due to play a Homeward Bound farewell tour, climaxing in a 15 July show in London’s Hyde Park.

What will happen in 2019

Garfunkel dies and Simon puts aside the seething enmities of a lifetime to play a hypocritical “Concert for Art” in Central Park, echoing their half-a-million-strong 1981 show there. As Bridge Over Troubled Water reaches the key change, up in heaven Art bursts every remaining blood vessel.

Jay-Z

He wanted to go out on a high. Who could blame him? The Black Album cemented his legacy. What else was there? So Jay spent almost-but-not-quite three years on the bleachers, playing golf and drinking cappuccinos as he’d fantasised about on The Black Album. Since then, he’s spent another six albums attempting to sell middle age while hanging on the coattails of Beyoncé.

What will happen in 2019

Scanning a column of dwindling album revenues and the fallout from Tidal, the ego finally cracks. He sinks all of his loot into a blockchain innovation set to dominate the next decade. Eventually, though, by a financial alchemy we can’t yet fathom, the same blockchain that makes him the first rap billionaire renders him more broke than 50 Cent. Un-retirement beckons.

Elton John

“Ten years ago, if you asked me if I would stop touring I would have said no,” Elt explained in his exclusive VR180 live stream on YouTube. “But we had children and that changed our lives.” The final whizz around the world starts in September and, after netting an estimated $400m, will end in Munich in July 2019, after which point Elton can Scrooge McDuck through the cash.

What will happen in 2019

Vegas, again. Unable to stay away from the hot sauce of hard applause, he invokes some “not a tour if it’s static” clause. None of the Arizona coach parties dutifully trooping through the lobby for $199 plus tip notice that he’s gradually descending into a bloated, key-mashing Elvis. They’re just here for “that guy from The Lion King”.

Steven Soderbergh

“I just don’t think movies matter as much any more,” Soderbergh proclaimed in 2013, with all the world-weary ennui of a middle-aged man trying to figure out why the kids don’t listen to proper songs these days. After Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra, he was supposed to call it a day. But, whoops, turns out movies do matter. Logan Lucky – a crime heist that’s a Walmart version of Ocean’s Eleven – came out last year. His latest, Unsane, is shot entirely on 4K iPhones. And he’s just made Mosaic, a “choose your own adventure” TV show for HBO.

What will happen in 2019

He just has to find some other way to express his frustration at not constantly being recognised as a genius.