I made a decision that I was cured after six months in the fellowship!

I was at a Speaker meeting, sitting in the front row when I started comparing rather than identifying with the speakers. The last three speakers said they didn't get the program until after they relapsed! Maybe I was identifying with the wrong message?

I hustled myself out of that meeting and drove to a package(liquor) store.
I sat in the parking lot with my cell phone opened and a number for one of my Home Group buddies highlighted. I couldn't press the send button.

Drove home without going in the store. Paced the deck smoking cigarette after cigarette. The obsession finally won. I raced to a store and purchased a twelve pack. I only drank six beers that night and believe me when I say every time I opened a beer there was a whole lot of guilt involved!

Every day for the next 10 days a member or two from my Home Group would call and leave a message on my phone (God knows I wasn't taking those calls). Six beers was my best night, it was all downhill from there.

Can't admitt (yet) that my Higher Power finally dragged me back with my tail between my legs, but I'm back (been over a month).

Obviously it is time for me to get with the program!

Struggling with Step One, there is a dark part of my soul that keeps telling me I'm okay with booze.

The serenity prayer is my constant companion, hopefully I continue not to drink, go to meetings and ask for help.

Hey Boston , its great you made it back cuz you know the alternative You could be in a REAL dark place right now

I havent heard it called a packie in a long long time I grew up in good ole Beantown
well hopefully you got that last last drink out of the way and ya dont go round thinking that your cured anymore you do know about the daily reprieve right?

Big Book Pg.85
We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

sometimes thats what it takes to get our attention a little more suffering
I pray for you that your done and willing to go to ANY LEANGTHS to stay stopped this time

I could give you lots of examples of suffering from Alcoholism so you dont have to suffer like I did ( but I`m sure you`ve heard some of them already and had your own aswell and if your anything like me you wont listen anyway until you have had enough

I just hope and pray that you have and that you keep coming back
just one day at a time

Sounds to me like you're struggling with the mental obsession. I would get back in the steps with a sponsor, taking a fearless and searching inventory.
I'd at least talk to another alcoholic about it. We all know where you're at.

boston,im in r.i an hours drive for me,if you need help,and we can meet half way i would be greatful to sit and talk with you.the mental obsession is a strong foe, but can be beat. i do not know if they allow me to post a phone num#here on the forum,but if site admin.allows i will post my num# for u and me.