"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable." -Helen Keller

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

SLEEP- WHERE HAVE YOU GONE

It's 1:30, and although all I want to do is sleep, I can't. Sleep escapes me. I turn off the light and close my eyes and I am suffocated by a whirlwind of miscellaneous thoughts. Screaming for my attention, my assimilation.

First day of work- brilliant, godsend, answer to prayer. Smiles turn into looks of recognition then into grins that end in a sigh of relief. I haven't felt needed in a long time. There I am needed.

Ever forget to pray about things and then all of the sudden panic mode strikes and there isn't enough time to pray about the situation you're walking into? I wasn't even looking and all of the sudden a platter with decadent desserts was placed in front of me and I have no idea what to choose.

Cafe Manager- position open at the East Club. I'm not even sure what all I would have to do- but the position needs to be filled desperately and my Family and Consumer Sciences degree is the perfect fit. Along with high praise from my managers at the South club. Would look fantastic on my resume!

Front desk Manager- position open at the South Club. This has been my home for the last 5 years. I know the faces of employees and members alike. I have done the tasks out of the goodness of my heart. But is the 16 dollars an hour worth trading the next 10 months of my life for random and unending hours?

There is also a new restaurant opening in town and I was asked to work there- the pay would be really good also. I like my 2-7 shift at South. I'd like to add a few hours at the restaurant on top of that and even have a few hours to spend with the youth group.

I'm not even sure how to pray. The goal is money- as sad and materialistic as that sounds- but grad school is looming, along with rent and loan/creditcard/car payments . . . I know God will provide- obviously- but at the same time I'm terrified. I'm scared of this "grown-up-world" with its "grown-up-jobs." For a little while longer I don't want that much responsibility.

I just want to sleep. Close my eyes on all the things that are weighing on my heart. I want morning to come and along with it some clarity. Sleep eludes me. My Bible beckons me. My thoughts are my nightmares. I'm done- but my heart begs me to try just one last time. But I can't. It hurts too much, I'm too tired.