Just a Few Things I Have to Do Before I Start My Taxes

O.K. O.K. O.K., done. Let’s do this. Except, I think I left the back door open. Just gotta check.

Yup. Closed. Phew. Now I can finally settle in and get started.

Wait. Is that caterpillar trying to cross the windowsill? I have to see this. I definitely need to check out this scene, and it’s definitely going to take me 45 minutes of just staring at it and watching it rear up and wave its little arms around like a tiny emperor. Maybe I should put it on my finger. Maybe I should just pop it into my mouth. Ha!

I’m back. Time to really get my hands dirty here. O.K., let’s see, gathering my forms. The gathering storm! A perfect storm! Shoot. Thing is, I’m pretty sure I need to call Aunt Diane. I never call her, and it’s not even her birthday or anything, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got to call her up and twist a lock of hair around my finger and wander around the house while she’s talking, and pick a sticky thing off the fridge then study my fingernails then hold up a wooden spoon and just kind of slash it through the air in an inconclusive way, not even imitating anything.

O.K. I really need to do this. Now. Like, now. Checkmate, taxes! You’re about to get done. Except, speaking of chess. You know, I haven’t played any games lately. Had some fun. You know? Who says a 36-year-old woman can’t have some fun? I need to have some fun before I do this, clean out the cobwebs. I mean, we’re all gonna die one day! Maybe I’ll paint my bedroom floor as a checkerboard and then … kinda hop around on it. Sounds like fun. Sounds outrageous and fun and I am on it.

O.K., I actually just did that. I just painted my bedroom floor with black and white squares and it took six straight hours and I hate it. Now I really, really, really, need to get started on these taxes.

And I will. I really will. But here’s the thing. I just found a promotional bouncy ball in this drawer, it’s from a veterinarian or something, and it’s neon green, and I didn’t even know I had it. But, I’m sorry, I have to spend some time with this bouncy ball. I’ve gotta bounce this ball! Like, when else am I going to do this? There is no. time. like. the. present. when. it. comes. to. randomly. bouncing. some. ball. So that’s what I’m going to do. I am living my best life, I am living my best me, and that involves taking the opportunity of a lifetime during the lifetime of the opportunity, and going outside and standing on the driveway with this neon ball like it’s the ’90s and … oh no. Now it’s in a gutter. Well, that’s what happens when you dream.

I’m not afraid to dream. And I’m not going to apologize for not having started my taxes even though I really need to do them and if I could just start this list of business expenses in an Excel sheet then I’d be “all set,” as people from many walks of life say.

It’s just, I haven’t practiced my signature in a while.

Correction:

A March 13 Sunday Review article by Emma Rathbone gave the incorrect title of the author’s first novel. It is “The Patterns of Paper Monsters,” not “The Patterns of Paper.”

Emma Rathbone is the author of the novels “The Patterns of Paper Monsters” and the forthcoming “Losing It.”