January 2012

01/29/2012

It has taken me a couple of days to get the courage to actually disclose ALL of this. It is scary.

It shows my vulnerability, my weaknesses if you will. Yet, as you travel this path with me, I hope you see my growth as a person, as a person who choose to ... love.

Okay, this is part of the way it started.

I joined eHarmony.com but they kept emailing me 70 year old men. Even though I lied about me age. I gave myself 10 years (shit, I look 10 years younger than my real age ... for real!) (well, at least I did before the stress and drama of this 'relationship).

Anyhow, eHarmony repeatedly sent me 70 year old somethings. Sorry, no thanks! So, I joined Match.com. The first day I joined I was overwhelmed with responses. Men were coming at me from all over the place. For someone just unwinding from the fetal position this was awesome and well, overwhelming.

The first four guys I talked with or rather chatted with were not for me right off the bat. Two were controlling. One wanted to know who I was chatting with and why. Dude! I just met you 5 minutes ago. Chill. No that's alright. Click!

Another guy was a straight out asshole. He told me he was a man and he expected to be treated like a man. I thought if you are a man, why the fuck do you have to tell me?! Click!

We chatted for a couple of days and gave each other pet names. I swear he had me by the panties. I thought how effin lucky I am to get him on the first outing (take that you soon-to-be-ex-husband)!

I flinched when he stated that his wife and child died in childbirth. Flinched because I knew Amsterdam was not a third world country (nor in the southern United States)! But, I listened to him still until he said, "Oh, I'm over it now." Well, shit. That don't sound right! How in the hell do you get over the death of a wife, well, maybe her but a child!

About 5am in the morning, the next day, I did an google search on Matt. He was a scammer. His name was associated with a lottery scam in Amsterdam. I emailed him breaking off our new relationship, crying over whatever I perceived I lost. Acutally, it was his deception that brought forth tears.

I was being honest and truthful (yeah, I know except for the age, but shit age was not an issue with him), and vulnerable. I was not acting impulsive or so I thought.

Little did I know what was to come (Rod Serling voice).

Here's the breakdown on Cutie. He is a retired army sargeant living in Maryland. He lost his wife and daughter in a car accident while he was on peace keeping mission in Iraq. He had a home that he recently purchased. He lived alone. He had a business. He bought and sold gold.

Here are some pictures of who I thought I was talking to and having a relationship with:

(Yeah, this one is my favorite).

Funny thing is I was never attracted to military guys. I stereotyped them as rigid, conservative, crew cut fanatics. Yet, Cutie appeared to have integrity, honor and all the attributes I wanted at the time (and now). He seemed manly and protective in a way that made me feel safe, just looking at him. And, he possessed attitude coupled with humor (observe the fuck you pics). I liked that and I like him!

The Cutie Chronicles ...

Our chat on Wed, 6/1/11 10:41 PM -----

Cutie (9:31 PM): <ding>

Cutie (9:31 PM): Hello

ADRIENNE (9:31 PM): Hello Cutie!

Cutie (9:32 PM): How are you doing?

ADRIENNE (9:32 PM): I've been crying off and on all day.

Cutie (9:32 PM): Why?

ADRIENNE (9:33 PM): I was scammed on Match.com by the person I sought to start a meaningful friendship with.

ADRIENNE (9:33 PM): Well, relationship

Cutie (9:34 PM): Oh i am rally sorry

Cutie (9:34 PM): How did he scam you?

ADRIENNE (9:35 PM): I did some research and he is a scammer in another country. Some of the things he said to me did not sound right so I investigated. That probably was not his picture and profile.

Cutie (9:36 PM): Oh i am really sorry

ADRIENNE (9:36 PM): What he said just did not sound right

ADRIENNE (9:36 PM): It hurts because, I really wanted to have a relationship with the person I thought he wa

ADRIENNE (9:37 PM): Yet, I am glad I found out early.

Cutie (9:37 PM): Oh sorry

ADRIENNE (9:38 PM): Thanks Cutie

Cutie (9:38 PM): You are always welcome..Beautif ul

Cutie (9:38 PM): I hope you are feeling much better now..

Cutie (9:39 PM): Because i don't want to see you cry anymore

ADRIENNE (9:39 PM): You are helping.

ADRIENNE (9:39 PM): This dating stuff is hard

ADRIENNE (9:40 PM): I can't wait to start a contract assignment and be distracted by work.

Cutie (9:40 PM): Yes..It is

Cutie (9:41 PM): Please stop crying because when you cry i cry along with and when you smile i smile along with you..I don't to see you sad because it really hurts me to see the woman of my dreams..crying

ADRIENNE (9:45 PM): You know what? I learned some valuable lessons and survived intact. I also learned something about another culture since he was from out of the country. So, I gained more than I lost. It's just ... my expectations were high for this to happen. The universe was looking out for me and for that I also cry tears of joy. Cutie, I am so fortunate. I am intact. I have you as my shoulder to lean on and ... you came when I needed you. Thanks!

ADRIENNE (9:46 PM): Cutie? You are who you say you are ... right?

Cutie (9:47 PM): You are always welcome..My Darling

Cutie (9:47 PM): I want you to know that i will be always there for you when you need me.Ok

ADRIENNE (9:47 PM): Okay. That's good to know.

Cutie (9:48 PM): Good

Cutie (9:48 PM): What did you do today?

ADRIENNE (9:48 PM): Welllllllll, after performing like a 'Double Naut Spy' I went to get a facial and that's about it.

ADRIENNE (9:49 PM): What did YOU do today?

Cutie (9:50 PM): Nothing much..I was thinking so much about you and that is what i did today

ADRIENNE (9:50 PM): Oh come on. What did you 'think' about me?

Cutie (9:51 PM): Everything about you..My darling

ADRIENNE (9:51 PM): What? Name one thing.

Cutie (9:51 PM): You are a very wonderful woman and i don't anyone to hurt you anymore so i would be very happ if you can take off your profile from match

ADRIENNE (9:53 PM): I just put it back up. I have to experience this and win. I cannot run away from the lessons ... that I need and the possible rewards.

ADRIENNE (9:53 PM): You are one of the rewards BTW

Cutie (9:54 PM): Thank you

ADRIENNE (9:54 PM): I was looking at the pictures you sent me in your email today also.

Cutie (9:55 PM): Awww!! You are so sweet and cute

Cutie (9:55 PM): Do you like them?

ADRIENNE (9:56 PM): You are very handsome in your uniform! Looking at them today gave me a sense of comfort when I first discovered the deceit. I looked for someone who was good to me. You.

Cutie (9:57 PM): Thank you so much..I promise and cross my heart i will adore and cherish you till eternity

Cutie (9:57 PM): ok

ADRIENNE (9:58 PM): I don't know what to say. The scammer was equally passionate.

ADRIENNE (9:59 PM): Just realize that I reached for you for stability when the seas were rocky today. I thought about that a long time.

Cutie (10:00 PM): Thank you

ADRIENNE (10:00 PM): You scare me. You want so much so soon. Without even knowing me

Cutie (10:01 PM): My Dear,i am not in a hurry..ok

Cutie (10:01 PM): I am just express my true feelings to you and nothing else

ADRIENNE (10:01 PM): OK

Cutie (10:02 PM): Thank you

Cutie (10:02 PM): What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to having come true?

ADRIENNE (10:02 PM): I do not have one dream. I have many

Cutie (10:03 PM): Tell me

ADRIENNE (10:03 PM): Perhaps, not being alone. Being with someone. Feeling passion and passionate again.

Cutie (10:04 PM): For me,My one dream is to wake up every day next to someone who loves me for me. If this dream comes true then my days and nights will be filled with love, laughter, adventure and peace.

Cutie (10:04 PM): Awww!! You are so sweet and cute

ADRIENNE (10:05 PM):

Cutie (10:05 PM): What work do you do?

ADRIENNE (10:05 PM): I am an open heart travel nurse/consultant

ADRIENNE (10:06 PM): What do you do?

Cutie (10:06 PM): Awww!!

Cutie (10:06 PM): Well,I am into gold business now

ADRIENNE (10:06 PM): Like how?

Cutie (10:06 PM): I buy and sell here in the US

ADRIENNE (10:06 PM): You have a store?

Cutie (10:06 PM): No..

ADRIENNE (10:07 PM): Then, how do you do it?

Cutie (10:08 PM): I keep at a security company for safe-keeping

Cutie (10:09 PM): But i have my office at home

ADRIENNE (10:10 PM): I don't get it. But, that's okay.

ADRIENNE (10:10 PM): Do you go to South Africa and Belgium?

Cutie (10:10 PM): I mean i buy from a gold company and sell them to investors

ADRIENNE (10:11 PM): large amounts

Cutie (10:11 PM): Yes

ADRIENNE (10:11 PM): gold is up!

Cutie (10:11 PM): Yes

ADRIENNE (10:11 PM): How did you get into that

Cutie (10:13 PM): I introduce myself into the gold business when i retired in 2010 because i always like to do something rather than sit without doing nothing..That is how i got into the business

ADRIENNE (10:13 PM): You know what? It's wonderful to have you to chat with

Cutie (10:14 PM): Thank you

Cutie (10:14 PM): Is very wonderful to chat with you too

ADRIENNE (10:14 PM): The business has been good for you?

Cutie (10:14 PM): Yes..My dear

ADRIENNE (10:15 PM): Do you travel a lot?

Cutie (10:15 PM): But now the price of the gold here in the US is too much so i don't really get in enough profit

Cutie (10:15 PM): Not really

ADRIENNE (10:15 PM): What can you do about that to make it better?

Cutie (10:17 PM): I think by traveling to buy it from outside the country

ADRIENNE (10:17 PM): Are you going to do that?

Cutie (10:17 PM): Yes..I think so

ADRIENNE (10:17 PM): Where will you go first?

Cutie (10:18 PM): Australia

ADRIENNE (10:19 PM): Wow. I did not know Australia had gold reserves/mines

ADRIENNE (10:23 PM): I read online a lot. I like to look up words (GEEK), read newspapers and research stuff of interest.

Cutie (10:24 PM): Sometimes I just like a quiet time at home watching movies, listening to good music. I like all types of music, oldies, classical, jazz, country, contemporary christian. I like writing letters and of course my favorite, Shopping!Not really, I'm not materialistic but I do enjoy to going out to shop occasionally. I enjoy walks, camping (although it's been quite a few years since I've been). Sometimes I just love to get in my car and drive, taking scenic routes to enjoy the beauty of God's creation. Simple things make me happy.

ADRIENNE (10:25 PM): I like the simple and the complex offerings of life

ADRIENNE (10:25 PM): Do you still keep your hair military style?

Cutie (10:26 PM): No..My Darling

ADRIENNE (10:27 PM): Do you miss military life Sarge?

Cutie (10:27 PM): Yes..I do

Cutie (10:28 PM): What is the best thing an ex could say about you?

ADRIENNE (10:28 PM): That he is not with me anymore LOL

Cutie (10:28 PM): Awww!!

ADRIENNE (10:28 PM): I am intelligent and ambitious

Cutie (10:29 PM): Very nice

ADRIENNE (10:29 PM): What would your friends say is your dark side?

Cutie (10:30 PM): I think she might say that the interests I have in life, I live and experience deeply. My family and friends are very important to me as well as my beliefs.

ADRIENNE (10:30 PM): That is your 'dark' side???

Cutie (10:30 PM): No

ADRIENNE (10:31 PM): I asked about your dark side. I think I realize how deeply you experience some things

Cutie (10:31 PM): I wasn't there when for my wife and daughter need me so mcuh

Cutie (10:32 PM): I was in iraq for peace-keeping when my wife and daughter had the car accident

ADRIENNE (10:32 PM): You still feel very guilty about that. I'm so sorry. But, it was something you could not control

Cutie (10:33 PM): Yes..I do

ADRIENNE (10:33 PM): How old was your daughter

ADRIENNE (10:33 PM): The pain must have been, still is incredible.

ADRIENNE (10:34 PM): Cutie, I am so sorry.

Cutie (10:34 PM): it's ok now because i have you

ADRIENNE (10:34 PM): BIG BIG HUG

Cutie (10:34 PM): Thank you for you big hug

Cutie (10:35 PM): I send you the same too

ADRIENNE (10:35 PM): We are not a couple?!

ADRIENNE (10:35 PM): We're friends, remember?

ADRIENNE (10:36 PM): There is no way I can or would ever be able to stand in for the two most precious persons you lost. No way.

Cutie (10:36 PM): Oh you can

Cutie (10:37 PM): You are very dear to my heart and the most important person in my life..You mean so much to me more than the whole world and riches

ADRIENNE (10:39 PM): Stop it! It sounds false. There is no way that can be. You would have to ... almost crazy to say that!

ADRIENNE (10:39 PM): I cannot be that important to you. You don't know me!

Cutie (10:39 PM): Yes..I am crazy about you

Cutie (10:39 PM): ok

Cutie (10:39 PM): My heart and soul knows you..ok

ADRIENNE (10:40 PM): You are infatuated with your idea of me.

ADRIENNE (10:41 PM): Cutie, be realistic to yourself and to me.

----- Our chat on Wed, 6/1/11 11:10 PM -----

ADRIENNE (10:52 PM): My screen just popped out. I don't know what you said

Cutie (10:52 PM): I said what are your general feelings about money and personalwealth?

ADRIENNE (10:53 PM): Money and personal wealth? I want much more of both! Be more specific

Cutie (10:53 PM): ok

Cutie (10:56 PM): Money means absolutely nothing to me without happiness you cannot buy love, health or happiness. Having enough money to pay the bills and do the stuff you want is great but I wouldn't trade a cent to give up a fraction of my happiness, love or health and Money is nice to have to exchange for things or experiences, but it's not the reason I live or work. I spend it when I have it, and when I do spend it,My personal wealth can be gauged in the relationships I have with my family and friends, which are priceless, and in my attitude, which is a rarity.

Cutie (11:00 PM): Hello

ADRIENNE (11:00 PM): That is an idealistic approach and I'm glad it works for you. I do not equate money with happiness although with enough money you can be happy. The money does not make you happy, it allows a certain degree of freedom. In that freedom happiness can be sought. I do not want just enough money to pay bills. I've an extensive period of my existence doing just that. It is again idealistic to stay that your personal wealth is gauged in your relationships. It is even admirable.

ADRIENNE (11:01 PM): My personal wealth can be a combination of family and my financial acumen. I would be extremely lucky to have an excess in both aspects of my life. Yet, I look forward to realizing that dream

ADRIENNE (11:03 PM): In other words, money is important to me for the freedom it allows me to explore, travel, and expand my and my family's worldly horizons. Yes, I want it ... money.

ADRIENNE (11:04 PM): I do not think of money as dirty or evil or the root of evil. Man does that to himself

Cutie (11:04 PM): Very nice..We all want money because of freedom

ADRIENNE (11:04 PM): Apparently not you.

ADRIENNE (11:04 PM): Based on what you just wrote

Cutie (11:04 PM): Ok..

Cutie (11:05 PM): But i have money and i am living a good and great life now but it would be much better with my partner by my side expressing our true love and affection to each other

ADRIENNE (11:06 PM): And, I do not think that makes me a material girl. I just know what I want ... and need.

ADRIENNE (11:06 PM): The money and the great life with true love and affection are not contraindications to each other.

ADRIENNE (11:07 PM): Money is not evil. The misuse and allowing it to become a 'God' in your life is the wrongness of it.

Cutie (11:07 PM): Yes..I agree

Cutie (11:08 PM): You are so sweet and cute..

Cutie (11:08 PM): We will be a great couple together

Cutie (11:08 PM): hahah

ADRIENNE (11:08 PM): I need to be financially secure, stable and independent.

ADRIENNE (11:09 PM): No struggling ... not even for love

ADRIENNE (11:09 PM): Just being honest

Cutie (11:09 PM): Yes..I understand

ADRIENNE (11:10 PM): Do you think owning your own home is still the American dream?

----- Our chat on Thu, 6/2/11 1:07 AM -----

ADRIENNE (11:11 PM): What happened? You didn't like what I said?

Cutie (11:12 PM): Sorry..I lost connection

ADRIENNE (11:12 PM): So, do you still think that owning a home is the American dream?

Cutie (11:12 PM): I like everything you say..ok

Cutie (11:12 PM): Yes..It is

ADRIENNE (11:13 PM): Why? A house is a money pit

Cutie (11:14 PM): Is very nice to have your own house you live

Cutie (11:14 PM): You feel much comfort

Cutie (11:14 PM): and you?

ADRIENNE (11:16 PM): I am leaving my house/home due to the divorce. The apartment life is appealing to me at this point i my life. No maintenance. Someone else repairs the plumbing, etc and so forth

ADRIENNE (11:16 PM): You own your own home I take it?

Cutie (11:16 PM): Yes..I do

ADRIENNE (11:17 PM): Good for you.

Cutie (11:17 PM): would you like to move in with me?

ADRIENNE (11:17 PM): No

Cutie (11:17 PM): WHY?

ADRIENNE (11:17 PM): I DO NOT KNOW YOU

ADRIENNE (11:17 PM): What state are you in?

Cutie (11:17 PM): ok..I understand

Cutie (11:18 PM): I am in maryland now

ADRIENNE (11:18 PM): Not that far.

ADRIENNE (11:18 PM): I want to live out west

Cutie (11:18 PM): Yes..My daling

Cutie (11:18 PM): darling

ADRIENNE (11:18 PM): Yes Cutie?

Cutie (11:18 PM): Oh ok..

Cutie (11:18 PM): Very nice

Cutie (11:19 PM): What do you think are the three best traits you have to offer a partner?

ADRIENNE (11:22 PM): People tell me that I have a good heart and I ask them how do they know that. I have bottled up passion, I am passionate. I am willing to learn and experiment to make things happen and if I feel invested ... to make things right

ADRIENNE (11:23 PM): What are your 15 best traits (I'm competitive you see)

Cutie (11:23 PM): Good..

Cutie (11:24 PM): I will always be there for you. I will be true to you. When I Fall in love, you will always have my heart.

ADRIENNE (11:25 PM): twelve to go ...

Cutie (11:26 PM): Accountability Honesty Uncondiditonal support..

ADRIENNE (11:27 PM): eight to go ...

ADRIENNE (11:27 PM):

ADRIENNE (11:27 PM): will you promise to always take out the garbage?

ADRIENNE (11:28 PM): if my bicycle gets a flat tire will you fix it?

Cutie (11:29 PM): Oh yes..

Cutie (11:29 PM): I willing to do everything and anything for my partner because i want to see her always happy

ADRIENNE (11:29 PM): say there is a tarantula in the bathroom, will you remove it with your hands without killing it and spraying bug juice all over the place besides killing an innocent creature?

ADRIENNE (11:30 PM): will YOU clean the toilets or get a maid to do it?

Cutie (11:30 PM): I can do it myself and i have been doing it all by myself because i live alone now..

Cutie (11:32 PM): Yes..I will do it for love if only that will only make my partner happy

Cutie (11:33 PM): Would you like to have a maid who will help at home?

ADRIENNE (11:33 PM): Not necessarily. Perhaps, once a month.

Cutie (11:33 PM): Oh ok..I see

ADRIENNE (11:34 PM): Can we afford a maid dear?

Cutie (11:34 PM): Oh yes..always

Cutie (11:35 PM): Besides love, what one trait have you noticed in couples that have maintained a successful relationship for many years?

ADRIENNE (11:36 PM): The ability to communicate, talk and LISTEN

Cutie (11:37 PM): For me,I think being honest and hanging in there thru good and bad times. Keeping the relationship fresh and interesting so nobody gets board.

ADRIENNE (11:38 PM): You have not mentioned sex or making love at all. Pardon me, I know your Christian and all, but don't you want to f*ck your partners brains out? Or is it too early for me to be asking you that question?

ADRIENNE (11:41 PM): What priority do you gave lovemaking in a relationship?

ADRIENNE (11:41 PM): 'give'

Cutie (11:42 PM): To always make my partner feel like a great woman

Cutie (11:43 PM): and you?

ADRIENNE (11:44 PM): I think lovemaking, which is also, touching, hugging, kissing, and having eye contact that 'tells something' even in a crowed room are the priorities. It is not always insert P into V. Yet, that is important.

Cutie (11:45 PM): Yes..I agree

ADRIENNE (11:45 PM): In other words, sex is part of the relationship but not all of the of relationship

Cutie (11:46 PM): Yes..True

Cutie (11:46 PM): You are a adorable and wonderful woman..

ADRIENNE (11:46 PM): I crave expressions of affection that may not necessarily lead to the act. I think most women are like that

ADRIENNE (11:47 PM): OMG, I'm normal

Cutie (11:47 PM): Good

Cutie (11:47 PM): Describe an interest you have that you would truly hope your partner could share with you?

ADRIENNE (11:48 PM): basketweaving

ADRIENNE (11:48 PM):

Cutie (11:48 PM): Awww!! Sweet (Director's note, that would be me: this is where I think he's crazy! Basketweaving is sweet?? Yeah, he's a scammer LOL)!

ADRIENNE (11:48 PM): I'm kidding

ADRIENNE (11:48 PM): OMG that's so funny

Cutie (11:48 PM): Yes..My darling

ADRIENNE (11:49 PM): Learning how to Tango. I'm going to a Tango lesson next week. And I want to go to Buenos Aires to Tango dance

ADRIENNE (11:49 PM): one day that is

Cutie (11:50 PM): For me,First, I will be interested in my partner's activities, then I enjoy dancing, swimming & photography but I'm not a pro in any of these . I love traveling and visiting new places.

ADRIENNE (11:50 PM): I like photography. I'm not a pro either. I love to snorkel. I forgot how to dance. I like to slow dance.

Cutie (11:51 PM): Awww!! Very nice

Cutie (11:52 PM): I long to share all this wonderful and great moments with you in my arms

Cutie (11:52 PM): I also like slow dance whiles kissing and caressing each other

ADRIENNE (11:54 PM): do u date much now at home?

Cutie (11:54 PM): Please accept to view my webcam

ADRIENNE (11:54 PM): no way (Director's note, that me: He had to be kidding. Wedcam? Me? that defeats the purpose of internet dating. I'd have to get dressed, put on makeup and literally shake off 10 years. I could go to a bar or club)!

Cutie (11:54 PM): No..You are the only woman i am dating since i lost my wife and only daughter

ADRIENNE (11:54 PM): keep your clothes on

Cutie (11:55 PM): Yes..I have my clothes on..ok

Cutie (11:55 PM): I am man of dignity

ADRIENNE (11:55 PM): lighten Sarge

ADRIENNE (11:55 PM): up

Cutie (11:55 PM): just accept..ok

Cutie (11:56 PM): I am not like the other guys you met online..ok (Shit! Is that convincing or what)?

ADRIENNE (11:56 PM): I'm insulted. You don't think I at least know that about u? (Afterall, it's been 3 days)!

ADRIENNE (11:56 PM): I have met some very nice guys online. I met u!

Cutie (11:56 PM): Sorry..It wasn't my intention

Cutie (11:57 PM): to insult

ADRIENNE (11:57 PM): I also turned down and blocked 4 idiots, not including the scammer

Cutie (11:58 PM): Ok..what did they do to you that made you blocked them? (He's taking notes, no doubt).

ADRIENNE (11:59 PM): Two were controlling. One wanted to 'marry' me. Come on. I can't remember the other it was 5 days ago LOL But, I did have to cross them off ... RIGHT AWAY

Cutie (12:00 AM): Good.

Cutie (12:00 AM): Looking back on your life, of what are you most proud?

ADRIENNE (12:01 AM): I should say my children. But, I wrote and published a book

Cutie (12:01 AM): Great!

Cutie (12:01 AM): I am so happy for you (Cha Ching!)

ADRIENNE (12:01 AM): That I am continually in wonder at the world.

ADRIENNE (12:02 AM): That inside and out, I feel like a child most of the time

ADRIENNE (12:02 AM): That I am intelligent and love to keep learning

Cutie (12:02 AM): Life is made up of ups and downs.. In life, We all experience both good times and bad times.. I wouldn't be anywhere to answer this if you ask me some years ago.. But am very proud that, upon all that i went through in my life, I still see my self a very strong man..

ADRIENNE (12:03 AM): That mixed in with the pain of my continual evolution, there is hope and excitement (Here I just went off on my own tangent. Oh, excuse me you're still there).

ADRIENNE (12:03 AM): You are a great man! I mean that sincerely

ADRIENNE (12:04 AM): And you are slick. You are seducing me

Cutie (12:04 AM): Really?

Cutie (12:04 AM): You have put a great smile on my face

ADRIENNE (12:04 AM): really ...

ADRIENNE (12:05 AM): How can I not imagine how it would be with you?

Cutie (12:05 AM): Oh yes..I know we will do great together when we meet

Cutie (12:06 AM): What i feel for you is so strong and pure..I promise and cross my heart i will never and ever let you go

ADRIENNE (12:06 AM): slow down

Cutie (12:06 AM): ok

Cutie (12:06 AM): I am

Cutie (12:06 AM): Tell me about your closest friend.

ADRIENNE (12:07 AM): I do not have many friends. I am a loner

ADRIENNE (12:07 AM): I have one girlfriend who stays in contact with me more than I do with her

Cutie (12:07 AM): Me too

ADRIENNE (12:08 AM): I think that is why I talk to you so much. I need a friend

Cutie (12:08 AM): My only true and one friend was my only brother who died just last year of cancer

ADRIENNE (12:08 AM): Sorry

Cutie (12:09 AM): I need a friend too..And i am very happy to have you as one but i know in time we would be more than just friends

ADRIENNE (12:09 AM): My weakness is that I am not good at the maintenance of relationships and friendships. I attract people but I eventually go off to do something else

Cutie (12:10 AM): Please don't that to me..ok

ADRIENNE (12:10 AM): I'm not good at the maintenance of many things I acquire. I lose interest fast

Cutie (12:10 AM): because i will die without you love and affection

ADRIENNE (12:11 AM): I will try not too. Believe me, you can make it without me considering all you've been thru

ADRIENNE (12:11 AM): My one friend once told me that I am selfish with my time. She was/is rightCutie (12:12 AM): Thank you

Cutie (12:12 AM): I believe and trust you with all my heart and soul

ADRIENNE (12:12 AM): I would rather be alone but with people around. Right now, I am alone completely and it sucks

Cutie (12:13 AM): I also promise and cross my heart i will never and ever let you down in anyway

ADRIENNE (12:13 AM): I did it to myself though. It is the lesson I needed to learn

Cutie (12:13 AM): I am also alone completely

Cutie (12:13 AM): but i have you now as my one and true friend who i will adore and cherish till eternity

ADRIENNE (12:14 AM): I do not know if I can live up to the obligation and commitment. Another weakness of mine

Cutie (12:16 AM): Please try and be strong in your obligation and commitment..ok

Cutie (12:16 AM): Please tell me about your children. What ages and how many? Do they live near you?

ADRIENNE (12:17 AM): My daughter is an adult and my son is fifteen. They both live within walking distance. My son is living with his father because of school and because I travel a lot.

ADRIENNE (12:18 AM): You know too much about me

Cutie (12:18 AM): Yes..I like you

Cutie (12:18 AM): and everything about you..ok

Cutie (12:18 AM): You also know alot about me

Cutie (12:19 AM): My only one daughter died in a car accident with her mom..

ADRIENNE (12:19 AM): How old was your daughter?

Cutie (12:19 AM): 4 years old

ADRIENNE (12:19 AM): My god!

Cutie (12:20 AM): I hope you saw a woman with a little girl in the pics i sent you

ADRIENNE (12:20 AM): What was her name?

Cutie (12:20 AM): Georgina

ADRIENNE (12:20 AM): I will look at the pictures again

Cutie (12:20 AM): Ok

ADRIENNE (12:20 AM): Did she look like you?

Cutie (12:21 AM): Yes..

Cutie (12:21 AM): If you had three wishes, what would that be ?

ADRIENNE (12:21 AM): That I could have 10 more wishes

ADRIENNE (12:21 AM): You?

Cutie (12:22 AM): Good housekeeping. It explained how to keep a relationship going,To be there for my partner whenever she needs me and Finding practical solutions to complicated situations.

ADRIENNE (12:23 AM): That's your wish???

Cutie (12:23 AM): Yes

ADRIENNE (12:23 AM): Good Housekeeping?

ADRIENNE (12:24 AM): That's one

Cutie (12:24 AM): yes

ADRIENNE (12:24 AM): ...the other two

Cutie (12:25 AM): Yes

ADRIENNE (12:25 AM): yes what

Cutie (12:26 AM): I have already said all the three

Cutie (12:26 AM): To be there for my partner whenever she needs me and Finding practical solutions to complicated situations.

ADRIENNE (12:33 AM): I don't mind talking around the subject but dont' be explicit. It's not time

ADRIENNE (12:34 AM): I guess I should not have been in tease mode with you

Cutie (12:34 AM): I understand you perfectly

Cutie (12:34 AM): Why?

Cutie (12:34 AM): My dear,we must feel free..ok

ADRIENNE (12:34 AM): Because you thought you had permission to take it to another level

Cutie (12:35 AM): Sorry..i didn't mean to

Cutie (12:35 AM): ok

ADRIENNE (12:35 AM): ok

Cutie (12:35 AM): Please forgive me..I promise it will not happen again

Cutie (12:35 AM): ok

ADRIENNE (12:35 AM): ok

Cutie (12:35 AM): Tonight you can do anything you want, no penalties, no reprisals, and the cost is unimportant. What are you going to do?

ADRIENNE (12:36 AM): Watch gay porn, the MEN, not the women. The men are more interesting to me. (Conversations evolve quickly on the internet. What was surprising and disgusting a few seconds ago, morphs into a teasing conversation).

01/25/2012

It has been proclaimed that one in five relationships start online. Mathematically speaking that means that four of five relationships ... do not start online. Consider that. When you are in the four fifths category, that 1 in 5 ratio makes it seem that you have been left out of the sandbox.

Without any statistical proof (although I am working on it) I would venture to say that two out of five online relationships are dating scams.

Come on, the pickings are easy. Lonely, seeking, vulnerable men and women converging within the nexus of the internet. The anonymity and guise in a worldwide casting of a romance net by anyone and I mean ... anyone, anywhere, anyplace, in any country offering what you need to hear and what your heart craves, a chance at connecting fully with another human being.

So, with millions of seekers of love and relationships surely there has to be ONE for me (one lid for this pot). Out of millions? I cannot that much of a loser! WTF, even Stephen Hawking can get laid - well, somewhat.

So ...

In 2011, I experienced the love of my life.

In 2011, that love, or rather the object of my love in full was ... an illusion.

I fell madly in love with someone ...

who did not exist.

My love was real.

He was not.

I can without hesitation say, that for the first time in my adult life, after twenty years of a second marriage (let's not even consider the first marriage) I WAS IN LOVE.

There is no vocabulary to explain the thorough emotional joy, excitement, happiness, beaming, and all the other great adjectives for how I felt with my online love. Nor, the gutwrenching, suicidal, middle passage pain and devastation I experienced after learning of his deceit. I came to the edge of myself. A place I had never and ever been before.

My humor, my ability to laugh (albeit weakly and within a torrent of tears) in the darkest moment of my life ... saved me.

The cliff notes version (do people still use cliff notes?): my husband of twenty years whom I did not love even when I married him, had been having an affair or affairs. I did not care. I was travelling a lot for business. I simply retained the social currency of marriage. No happiness, no connection, just ... the currency: I am married, I have a man. That kind of superficial social currency.

Yet, when the husband finally told me point blank that he had moved on (intellectually I already knew this) something snapped within me (no, I did not go for a gun or pills). I just realized 'out loud' that my social currency had dried up. I was a middle aged woman entering the statistical arena of ... middle aged divorced women (which is comparable to entering a Roman arena with it's quintessential thumbs down to the social loser).

In a tiny spot of my mind (where cultural stereotypes and poison barbs of thought reside) I became one of those women that women are socialized to fear becoming (um, no cats ... yet) alone, undesirable, therefore unattractive, and subject to literally fall ("I've fallen and I can't get up") and have no one around to help. Hey, it could happen. So you better have a partner. (Imagine those cats getting hungry after you being on the floor for a week)!

Lazily and impulsively I gave this ... husband twenty years of my younger life (I thought I could just ride the marriage out as I figured I was wearing him out) my best years (firmer breasts, tighter tummy, a discernible waist, ability to dance, not as cynical).

Now, I was ... alone (imagine that inner voiceover voice saying, This time it's for real).

That was/is a fucking scary prospect.

Even for someone with ovaries and/or balls like me.

My online boyfriend (I nicknamed him Cutie) came at a time when I felt like an island of myself. As a matter of fact, a few days before I met him online I was in a fetal position on my bed wondering what to do next with and in my life. I thought he was a Godsend, a timely gift from the Universe.