Arrested development -- when teen runs from responsibility

Engage with life or escape from life, that is the adolescent question?

Should the adolescent face another challenge in the long trial and error process called growing up, or avoid the encounter and seek temporary relief?

Work or procrastinate, attend or space out, admit or lie, show up or skip, get to work or get high, respond to daily reality or retreat into electronic entertainment, these are just some of the ‘engage or escape' choices adolescents have.

For the teenager who is mostly concerned with pleasure or comfort now, escape from challenge feels like a good short-term strategy; but when it comes to growing up this proves to be a bad long-term solution. Growing up was never made to be easy or to be without duress. No matter how much fun you have along the way, the challenges are always hard.

And hardest of all is this: only by engaging with these challenges, not running from them, can growing up occur. Escape engagement and an opportunity for growth is lost as development toward maturity is delayed, sometimes even arrested.

Why arrested? Because with each attempt at engagement, successful or not, comes a new measure of responsibility. And increments of responsibility are the building blocks of growing up. Escape is the enemy of responsibility.

Consider an extreme case of arrested development in a young person whose chronological age is eighteen, but whose operating age, based on his or her lack of responsibility and consequent immaturity, is maybe thirteen or fourteen. What forms does this persistent escape take?

When it comes to COMMITMENT, he keeps breaking promises to himself and others. By repeatedly not keeping his word, he has lost some faith in his capacity to be reliable and in his being self-reliant.

When it comes to COMPLETION, she rarely finishes what she begins. By starting much and getting little accomplished, she has lost some confidence in her capacity to follow through and meet personal goals.

When it comes to CONSISTENCY, he doesn't maintain continuity of constructive effort. By repeatedly being unable to keep up a healthy regimen, he has lost some capacity for self-discipline and self-care.

When it comes to CONFRONTATION, she avoids and puts off dealing with painful situations. By repeatedly choosing not to deal with emotional discomfort, she has lost some capacity to work through personal hardship.

When it comes to COURAGE, he hides from telling the truth by taking refuge in dishonesty. By repeatedly choosing to lie about what is really happening, he has lost some capacity for dealing forthrightly with reality.

When it comes to CONTROL, she lets impulse rule judgment. By repeatedly giving into the lure of immediate gratification, she has lost some capacity to resist temptation for the greater good.

When it comes to CONSEQUENCES, he disowns the results of his actions. By repeatedly denying the connection between bad choices and bad consequences, he has lost some capacity for personal accountability.

When it comes to CLOSURE, she decides by default (making no decision) when deciding gets hard. By repeatedly letting circumstance dictate difficult decisions, she has lost some capacity for mental toughness.

When it comes to COMMUNICATION, he shuts up about or acts out painful feelings. By repeatedly refusing to honor and speak about hard feelings directly, he has lost some capacity for open and honest emotional expression.

When it comes to CARING, she gives up what truly matters to herself. By repeatedly betraying what has had and still has core value for her, she has lost some capacity to maintain her sense of personal integrity.

So what can parents say to keep encouraging their adolescent to directly engage with the demands and challenges of life? They can offer some simple advice that, if consistently followed, can strengthen the young person's growth of responsibility.

1."Keep your promises and agreements."2."Finish what you begin."3."Maintain what's good for you."4."Meet your problems head on."5."Tell the truth about what is really going on."6."Use good judgment to resist bad temptation."7."Own bad decisions so you can learn from your mistakes."8."Learn to choose between hard choices."9."Admit hard feelings and talk them out."10."Don't betray what you truly believe in or you will betray yourself."

During adolescence, engagement with the challenges of growing up is always in competition with the temptation to escape. In my novel about the adventures of adolescence, "The Helper's Apprentice," police Officer LaSalle explains this to the young boy who has been trying to escape his troubles.

"Running off or running from is all the same. Just running. Further you go never's far enough ‘cause there ain't no away. Whatever's chasing you keeps catching up. No...Running won't keep you from getting caught, not when it's you you're running from. I've seen a lot of runners and I know. Fastest man ain't been made that can outrun his self."

Feelings are for therapists and children. We can feel our feelings, but they are irrelevant to the outer world. Adults take care of themselves, because that is the only person responsible for you.
The world is indifferent at best to your feelings, desires, or inner world.
98% of people are not interested in in what lives within us.

I think the #1 most important lesson lost on most kids today is learning how to live with ambiguity. We demand such rigid perfection and performance from young people now, yet much of the "real world" isn't about being a Boy Scout or Girl Scout.

This statement struck as very puzzling
When it comes to COMPLETION, she rarely finishes what she begins. By starting much and getting little accomplished, she has lost some confidence in her capacity to follow through and meet personal goals.
Personal goals? Who has time in adolescence anymore for personal goals? If you're not studying, then you're practicing for the sport which hopefully wiol result in a college scholarship; maybe you're volunteering with an honor society, whoch might also help with a scholarship. Maybe you're helping with chores, or just spending countless hours doing homework. Most teenagers are very sleep-deprived! And getting into college is not always a personal goal, but the only way of getting a job that isn't in retail—though that guarantee has disappeared, too.
I think most teenagers are doing their utmost to please everybody, because they're still not independent and still rely on others. They struggle to do & act & be the very best they can.
And yet the suicide rate for our young people, especially the brightest & most promising, continues to climb? Why are so many deeply engaged young people killing themselves?

Well said. What about, for the sake of pleasing others, one is driven to be painfully responsible to the extreme? Now the pressure of always striving for that perfection can result in a lot of pain. If by "learning how to live with ambiguity" you mean finding a middle way between the extremes of too little and too much responsibility, I think you are correct.