Hello. I am a 46 year old woman with two teenage children, a girl and a boy, that I co-parent reasonably harmoniously with my ex-husband. I have been re-married for 3 years to a wonderful man (K) that I adore. Though I love K, I probably would not have re-married, except that I got a job with health insurance and he had no insurance because he works as a freelancer.

I have always had mixed feelings about marriage, and during my 18 year marriage with my first husband, throughout which I was monogamous until the very end, I felt strongly drawn to and connected with a number of other men. However, I am only interested in sexual intimacy that is part of a deeper emotional and spiritual connection, and casual sex, whether inside or outside of marriage, has never interested me. Unfortunately, emotional and spiritual intimacy was something my first husband just wasn't capable of, and I finally had to leave for my own emotional survival...though unfortunately, I didn't do it very gracefully.

Now here's the complication! A number of years back, just a few months after I started dating K, I met another man (D) with whom I have since developed a very close friendship. Actually, that would be an understatement. We both feel an extremely profound and soulful connection, and the energy between us is electric. However, not only are we both married to people we love, but we refuse to engage in some secret, sexual relationship that would eventually wreck our relationships with our spouses, and probably wreck the magical relationship we have with each other.

So, I have been very honest with my spouse about D. And D is also opening up more to his wife about me. They have been married for over 20 years, and in many ways have a great relationship. But it lacks the passion and depths that D wants in his life. And I would say the same for my relationship with K.

And it is all extremely hard, for us and our spouses. To their credit, our spouses have been amazing. But, I find I am now trying to navigate two beautiful and intimate relationships, and I stumble. I don't know how to be graceful; it seems I am not able to be present for both relationships in the ways I want to be, or the ways K, or D, want me to be. Sometimes I just want to choose neither man, rather than both! Help!

I am in great need of the company of people who seem like-minded in the realm of love and intimacy, and who believe in the capacity of humans to engage in deep relationship with more than one other person. I have only recently "discovered" the concept of polyamory, and it resonates very deeply. I don't whether this is the "path" for me, but I am open to it.

Thanks for listening.

Myotis

eklctc

11-01-2010 07:16 PM

Welcome to the forum. Have you actually talked about trying the polyamorous path with your husband or have you just had a more in-depth conversation about your involvement with D? How open does your husband seem to the idea?

Narapela

11-03-2010 08:07 PM

Hello Myotis, and welcome to this friendly web environment. As I read your introduction, I had the same question as eklctc. Have you spoken with your husband about polyamory and supported him in honestly and freely exploring the concept? If he is mono-wired, it may be quite hard for him to 'get his mind around it'. There are mono-wired people in this forum whose various posts are valuable in making other mono-wired people understand polyamory in their 'own language' if I can use that phrase, but it is also imperative that polyamorous people learn from those same posts.
It is extremely difficult to introduce the subject of polyamory with a partner when another significant other have already entered the picture. In my personal experience, if one's partner is mono-wired the OSO will be a constant and overwhelming, subjectively experienced intrusion on all efforts by the mono partner to explore and understand polyamory for its own sake, even when the exploration is very lovingly guided by the polyamorous partner.
My own story ended in much (continued) sadness, regret and anger recently, but I am convinced by the forum members' stories that it is very possible that existing relationships can survive this and can, and very often do, become a whole lot stronger, more loving, honest and intimate as all parties explore their human needs together.
I hope that your journey with your husband and beloved will be a liberating, honest and empowering one. This forum is a good, non-judging place to start (but read as much and as widely as you can).

Good wishes,
Narapela

PS. I should probably add that my current situation is not generally favourably regarded by the poly-community - my other's spouse remains unaware of our relationship (a status quo reluctantly agreed upon by both parties for a variety of reasons). To each his own.

Myotis

11-05-2010 02:15 AM

Thank you Narapela and eklctc. Yes, I have started to talk with my husband, K, about polyamory, but I have not proposed it as something for him to explore. He believes he is pretty strongly "wired" as you say, for monogamy. My own sense is that this is true...

Nonetheless, my love for D and my honesty about it with K, has brought about amazing depth and intimacy in my relationship with K. Despite the pain and difficulties, he has amazed me with his kindness and openness to me. But, it is also true that my ongoing relationship and connection with D keeps triggering pain for K. It is very hard to know the best, and most loving, way to proceed for all concerned. K has asked me to not see D for awhile...which I understand from his perspective. But the pain it is causing me is excruciating. Especially as D is experiencing some major health issues right now.

I'll keep reading and hope to learn and find what resonates. Many thanks.