Almost every holiday has something to it that I can find a silver lining in, but not Thanksgiving. This is the one I really wish I could pretend did not exist. It really shakes me to my core on more levels than I can handle.

Here’s a small sampling of the reasons why I hate this stupid day:

Growing up in Plymouth, Massachusetts. I can tell you for sure that far too much emphasis is placed on this day. It is a remembrance of that one time we got along with a race of people before we totally screwed them out of their way of life for 400 years and counting.

Turkey. I’ve been a vegetarian since the ’90s but I certainly remember eating meat and Turkey was the least interesting of all of them. If for some reason I found a need to drop my vegetarian lifestyle and eat meat again, turkey would never make its way to my lips the other 364 days a year. Face it, it’s overrated because it is eaten less often.

Parades: STUPID. I’ve watched them, I’ve marched in them in support of causes I believed in. I have never understood the appeal of either side of that interaction. I’m not a creature driven by attention, though. A parade to me is a cactus to a fish: we have no good reason to ever cross paths.

Football. I can get into football, when I’m interested in watching a team I care about play. But on Thanksgiving, even if your team is not playing, you’re supposed to watch it. When you’re not rooting for a particular team, football seems kind of pointless. But today is thanksgiving, so you have to watch it.

Economy. Thanksgiving is the bloated corpse of a holiday that used to be. It is now the official lead up to another holiday- “Thanksgiving but you have to buy everyone presents, too.” Retailers, in their lust for money screw over the public and more so their employees. I can’t tell you how many times I had to go to bed at 3 PM on thanksgiving day so I could get even a terrible amount sleep before going to work 15-20 hours for a greedy corporation the following day.

(SPECIAL NOTE FOR THE ASSHOLES AT best buy: of the many you are the worst. Stop using your dehumanizing terms for your employees in your ads for your sales, you monsters! And by the way, I’m still pissed off that you put up posters in the break room that implied your own bonus structure was a myth. Do you just hate the people who work for you? I can’t think of any other explanation.)

Economy, II. This one is true of most holidays. You have to take a day off work, but you get no say over what you do with said day off. You’re not getting paid (if you, like the majority of Americans are paid on an hourly basis) BUT you’re still obligated to be at certain places at certain times, and follow orders.

Meals. Having just turned 33, I would like to come out on record and say that I would rather kill myself than have one more person try to dictate when and what I eat. I haven’t starved to death yet but people are constantly stressing me out with my own diet. “I don’t eat that anymore” is met with “I brought you this food you explicitly said you don’t eat anymore, please eat it!” and people are going to scrutinize your plate. “Did you eat enough?” “No, I deliberately did not eat enough as I have no natural survival instinct! What’s for dessert? Outlet licking?”

Meals, II. These holiday meals are the worst. A small number of people spend a lot of time preparing the meals, and for that they deserve true appreciation. However, everybody having to talk about these meals–planning for weeks in advance–up to, during, and after consuming the meal, with the divvying of the leftovers–it must stop. No meal is worth this amount of discussion. The fact of the matter is it takes one phone call or three minutes in an app on my phone to have a pizza delivered to my door, and pizza is better than most foods. Also, I don’t need a reason for pizza. It’s an always-food.

Thanksgiving, I hate you. Thankfully this is probably the last one.

]]>http://kittensharks.org/?feed=rss2&p=7310The 5 Worst Types of People of 2014http://kittensharks.org/?p=715
http://kittensharks.org/?p=715#respondFri, 19 Dec 2014 18:33:38 +0000http://kittensharks.org/?p=715Continue reading →]]>I think we can all admit that 2014 has been an especially horrific year. One look at any news site makes me want to vomit. America’s hometown is riddled with a heroin epidemic. They announced that there could be as many three more Fast & Furious movies AFTER the next one, and Bill Cosby is apparently a serial rapist. (These things are obviously not meant to be weighted against one another, they are all just indisputably bad.)

But it is no one person that is truly awful. It is groups of people that make the world a horrible place to be. Even among these groups there are heroes, people who are not annoying to be around or ruining the whole world. Regardless, here are my five WORST types of people from this year.

5. Zombie enthusiasts

I’ve been saying this for a long time, but zombie kids, YA HAF TA STAHP. I can not stress this enough. I am sure that your precious The Walking Dead is excellent television. I’m not watching it, though, and I have no intention to start. Why? Because you all need to shut up. The entertainment industry was over-doing zombies in 2005, and there has not been any slowdown at all. Zombie enthusiasts have been a perennial entry on this list, even if this is the first time I’m publishing it.

I want to gently remind you that there will NEVER be a zombie apocalypse. The apocalypse will most assuredly come in the form of uninhabitable climate, nuclear meltdown, or both. It will not be a fun adventure where you carry a shotgun and take out the shambling corpses of people you disliked when they were alive. Not going to happen. Now kindly get off the internet and go get a job.

4. Star Wars fans

You annoying dumbasses. If you’re not crying because Disney had the good sense to say that The Courtship of Princess Leia is no longer part of the Star Wars ‘canon’ you’re whining because a black guy was wearing a stormtrooper outfit in the new trailer. While I have already written an article on here about how the former was the best decision Disney could have made after buying the brand, the fact that you are upset about the latter is practically causing me to suffer a mental breakdown.

Early rumors about the new movie indicated that John Boyega’s character was someone who had made some bad decisions, and wanted to turn his life around. A stormtrooper abandoning the outfit and on the run? Sounds like a pretty cool movie plot. Also, what? Did you idiots actually want the guy who played Jango Fett to be in the new movies? Should ANY element at all about the prequel trilogy ever be acknowledged again? Of course not!

But I will acknowledge it, just this once: I never thought it was the stormtroopers who were racist. The Jedi were the racist ones. They made Mace Windu wield a purple lightsaber because of the color of his skin.

3. Gamers

Actual gamers

This was it. 2014 was the year that people who shared in my favorite childhood pastime went from being a bunch of people who liked to pretend to be a plumber/go-kart racer went from being a bunch of unwashed single dudes to full blown terrorists and woman-haters. Again, I already got annoyed enough to write a whole article about it.

2. Law Enforcement

We are like, one, maybe two more cases of violent police abuse from a full blown revolution breaking out, tops. You guys really need to cool your jets.

1. Voters

We as a nation took a look at all the problems we have- poverty, racial issues, gender inequality, the constant threat of impending war, and in no uncertain terms, loudly declared “more of this.”

Ugh.

]]>http://kittensharks.org/?feed=rss2&p=7150Our Newest Slurhttp://kittensharks.org/?p=697
http://kittensharks.org/?p=697#respondSun, 26 Oct 2014 22:12:44 +0000http://kittensharks.org/?p=697Continue reading →]]>It was at a very young age that someone made the decision to put an NES controller into my hands. At my whim, Super Mario would run, jump, and shoot fireballs. From that point on, video games became my life and it was amazing. I grew up rescuing princesses, slaying dragons, and flying spaceships. I have a massive collection of games and consoles. I even have a guild tattoo on my shoulder. However- these days, a wave of shame would wash over me if I were to pick up a controller.

One thing to never do, for the love of God, is to accuse me of being a gamer. I would be forced to lash out, reacting as though you had just uttered a smear of the most hateful intensity one could imagine. I would scream “you take that back!” as I lunged at you. Hopefully a friend would intervene and help me to collect my calm. Why is that?

It turns out that gamers are horrible people. All of them. The word gamer has come to mean “a terrible person who also happens to plays video games.” It is not a nice thing to accuse someone of being. It used to be that calling someone a gamer was a quick way to say that they were a basement dweller with poor hygiene and no social skills. While that is still mostly true, it now also carries even worse connotations.

I nearly did a spit take.

Thanks to the bubbling river of ass holes that is the internet and a so-called scandal named “Gamergate,” gamers are something akin to rapists and terrorists. These lousy people are carrying on a crusade against women because of their innate, burning need for “ethics in video game journalism.”

An accusation had been made that a female independent game developer had an inappropriate relationship with someone who writes video game reviews for a living. Said reviewer did not review games by said developer. Gamers reacted in an insane fashion, posting private and personal information of women in the gaming industry on the internet, and a seemingly endless wave of death and/or rape threats. A planned lecture at Utah State University had to be cancelled because of threats- actual terrorism.

Let’s take a god damned step back here. ETHICS IN VIDEO GAME JOURNALISM?

Hates women for some reason

Let’s get something straight right now. “Video Game Journalism” is not a thing. Absolutely zero information of any significance can come from reading about video games. The fact that there are people out there who make a living writing about video games is simply an example of the disgusting, gluttonous society in which we live. There are two things that every gamergate idiot should think about before they utter a word on the subject.

1. Video Games are not artand they never will be.

It pains me to say it but it’s true. Video games are toys, plain and simple. Point out to me the greatest examples of video games and not one of them comes close to art. Ocarina of Time is widely regarded to be one of the greatest video games of all time. I have incredibly fond memories of the hundreds of hours I invested into playing it time and time again. However, the story doesn’t even make sense. In a fantasy world where magic can be used to explain anything, there is not a cohesive story that explains all the elements. The “story” is merely a track on which the player rides to move from puzzle to puzzle. Games that have big stories tend to forget they are games, and become nothing but slide shows (I’m looking at you, Square Soft.)

A very flattering image of a gamer

2. Video Game Journalism is thoroughly stupid.

Video game reviews are not important. I have never read a video game review and had my decision to play or purchase be swayed in the slightest. Gamers argue that gaming is a multi-billion dollar industry. So is film, and the same holds true for the movies. I have never read a professional review of a film and said “oh, I’m definitely seeing that, now!” or “that sounds awful and I am no longer going to see it for myself!” A person with even half of a functioning brain stem can look at an ad and decide if they want to try out what is being offered to them.

Gamers will then go on to argue about how reviews are important because of the rising price of video games. This is absolute garbage. When you adjust for inflation, the cost of the average game was nearly double what it is today when you look back to the Super NES era. (As a side note, unlike modern games, SNES era games were actually fun to play, as opposed to the “perceived future enjoyment” that video games sell themselves on these days.)

Fun

Shitty

A final argument for the validity of game reviews falls to the time investment involved in playing games. Maybe gamers are right in this regard. I would hate to be tricked into doing my favorite thing in the world! That would be the absolute worst thing that ever happened. I would never be able to forgive myself were a pizza maker to deceive me into getting a pizza that turned out not to be the perfect pizza for me. When my favorite TV show has a bad episode, I spend weeks locked in my bedroom, refusing to come out, God forbid anyone find out I watched the bad episode of the show. No, wait, none of that is true.

“WHY DIDN’T I READ THE REVIIIIIEEEEEEWWWS! WHY?”

If you NEED a review to decide whether or not to try a video game, you are admitting that you are stupid to the whole world. Reviews aren’t even really useful for parents trying to decide whether or not a video game is appropriate for their children. That information is evident right on the packaging with a clear cut ratings system that lists the sensitive content within the game.

Long story short, this is not a cause worth fighting for. Even if you somehow successfully lobbied to create a governing body that watches over the ethics of people who review toys for a living, you would have won an utterly pointless battle. There is no reason for you to be one of these Gamergate people other than your thinly veiled contempt for women.

Gamers disgust me and I imagine all of the decent people in the world; and it’s no longer just because they smell bad. I’d say to them “put your efforts in to a better cause” but their tactics are shameful and I wouldn’t want their help to save my own life. Gamers should go back to their subterranean lairs and keep paying subscription fees for games they already paid for. It was better when they hid their vile presence from the world.

The back half of a gamer

]]>http://kittensharks.org/?feed=rss2&p=6970May the Fourth (I’ve got a baaaaad feeling about this)http://kittensharks.org/?p=687
http://kittensharks.org/?p=687#respondSun, 04 May 2014 16:18:50 +0000http://kittensharks.org/?p=687Continue reading →]]>It’s that time of year again, kids. It’s May Fourth. It’s the day that all of us Star Wars fans band together and remind the world just how very much worse we are than fans of anything else. Usually I try to stay away from the whole May the Fourth thing, because even though I love Star Wars deep down in my heart, there’s only certain level of nerdiness that I can handle before I have to walk away. Also, I think we can all agree that May the Fourth is a holiday that the greeting card companies made up so they can sell off all the leftover Darth Maul valentine’s day cards- a task that becomes increasingly more monumental as each year the cross section of Star Wars fans who grew up thinking The Phantom Menace was cool and the demographic buying valentine’s day cards to hand out to their classmates grows smaller and smaller. But this year, May the Fourth is surrounded by controversy. Right now, something is happening with Star Wars. As soon as the original trilogy ended, endless followup crap was fed to the fans- legions of people with spare cash to pour on to the feet of George Lucas since they didn’t have dates on which to spend their money. Books, graphic novels, video games- whatever they could churn out spewed forth, even three terrible prequel films. Then, Disney bought it all, and what was the very first thing they did? Apologize, in a sense. “Three new movies!” they said. We were skeptic, but hopeful. “J.J. Abrams will direct!” they proclaimed. We were hopeful, but we knew there would be many scenes where someone hangs perilously above a long drop, if his Star Trek reboot had anything to say about it. “Lawrence Kasdan will be one the writers!” they told us, and we were now quietly clapping and nodding our heads ever so slightly in approval. Then came the tipping point. Disney made exactly the right move, and bunch of people got really upset. They told us this- “don’t worry about it. The new movies do not acknowledge the books, comics, video games, or anything else, except the other movies. The creative team can move forward unfettered and do as they wish to bring you the perfect new trilogy.” And what did the nerds do? They booed, and hissed, and said they felt betrayed.

WHY?

The books didn’t go away. They still exist for you to be entertained by them. You can pick them up right now and read them and the words on those pages have not changed. Disney did not travel back in time and make reading them an unpleasant experience for you.

There’s something very important for you to remember if you think that the disavowing of the extended universe makes it terrible, and that is simple this: the extended universe was alwaysterrible. Sure, there were some highlights, but most of it was bad. I for one was a huge fan of Shadows of the Empire for the Nintendo 64. If I were to go play it later today- and I very well might- the fact that the events portrayed are not officially part of the story any more won’t make it any less enjoyable for me.

Think about it. Why in the name of God would anybody, ever, even the most hard core nerd out there want to see a Star Wars movie where Chewbacca is dead and the Yuuzhan Vong are there to ruin The Force in ways that even midichlorians couldn’t?

There’s no “extended universe” anymore. You can finally call it what it always was: fan fiction. Yes, that’s right. Most of what is described in the pages of the average Star Wars novel is no better or no worse than incalculable amount of Harry Potter erotica that seems to make up the vast majority of the internet.

Disney is laying out an opportunity for Star Wars fans that the franchise hasn’t had a hope for since the early 1980’s- a great movie. They have made every possible right step in the process so far and I can’t wait to see what they come up with. They have come so far that I will thoroughly enjoy but not be at all surprised when Harrison Ford throws out a one-off line about always shooting first.

So, it’s nothing to be upset about. It’s going to be easier to bring in more Star Wars fans now. Instead of making someone watch a bunch of movies and read hundreds of novels to get a grasp at what is going on, now the only a newcomer needs to see are the six essential films: those being Episodes IV, V, and VI, The Holiday Special, and both Ewok movies. If they’ve got time maybe Episodes I, II, and III, but those are pretty much optional and stand the highest chance of turning them away from the franchise.

]]>http://kittensharks.org/?feed=rss2&p=6870Ashley’s Reaction to Game of Thrones (Red Wedding)http://kittensharks.org/?p=682
http://kittensharks.org/?p=682#commentsWed, 16 Apr 2014 22:32:52 +0000http://kittensharks.org/?p=682Continue reading →]]>A few months ago, I started the game of thrones with Zelda and Jason since all errrrbody does is talk about how frickin’ great it is. Well…… I do not agree with the general public. THIS SHOW IS FUCKING WEIIIIIRD. So now I am giving this show a second chance but this time i feel like i should commentate it. So here we are watching Season 1 episode 4 skipping over episode 3 because the title and summery sounded dumb.-There is a midget– All the actors on this show have squared shaped faces.– WOW that mole is HUGE– I now know how to sword fight because of the dudes in front of the castle, i think that was a castle idk they never showed the whole building.-*Take a sip from my nice ice cold UV blue and seltzer water.*– What i never understand about shows based this far back in history is how their hair looks so clean. Bitches didnt have shampoo about in the 1400’s or whenever the hell this is based.-Hey like 5 minutes in there havent been any bro & sis sex scenes. Maybe this show does get better from here on out.– No shit you’re a coward tubtub– Ew he just spit everywhere. Thats gross.– **gulp gulp alcoholic beverage**-Theres no way her hair can be that naturally light. They had bleach in the 1400’s??– Ok now, here is a bro sis sex scene. I will never actually like this show.– Jking Zelda just corrected me.– Shes pouring hot wax on him. Oh.– *drink more booze*– *drink AGAIN*– *Nothings really happening and i cant hear them so drinking again*– HAHA– Ok NOW Bro and Sis sex has been referenced– *DRINK AGAIN*– before next episode i will find a drinking game to this provided by drinkiwiki. If i dont find a Game of thrones drinking game on drinkiwiki ill stop watching because if its not on drinkiwiki its not worth my time.– Is that guy black? A black knight in the 1400’s? werent they still slaves everywhere.– Potions. When did this become a witch tv show. I d be more interested if that was the case.– What is the game of thrones anyways. I DONT GET IT.– Who are these people.-I can only recognize the wicked light blonde siblings and idek their names.– Why is she balancing on one leg, your not shawn johnson ked.– *Shit i havent drank in awhile. *GULP*– BRRRRRR its cold there. Where the fuck in the world are they anyway.– Are they on planet earth?– OMG is this proof i havent been watching– Well, now you all know i havent been paying attention. Whatever im over it i guess ill just have another drink.-* GULP GULP GULP GULP*– Ayyyy its tubtubs again.– I guess Tubtubs name is Sam. I dont care if i know what his name is now. He will remain TUBTUBS.– *drink* (7:51)– That guy is walking like he has a peg leg i do not see a peg leg.– Whores everywhere.– Viserys is the wicked light blonde douche who was in the tub with that whore (she really is a whore though, she was (probably still is) a prostitute for 15 years) who i thought was his sister.– Picnic tables picnic tiiiiimeeee.– if i were to actually follow game of thrones i would be an alcoholic– *GULP*– Fuck my drink is almost gone and were only halfway through the episode.– OOOOO DOGGYS!!!!!!!– Now we’re talking about how were going to watch boardwalk empire after this episode. Sorry Game of Thrones fans but IDK how you watch this show. I have no idea what the fuck is going on. TOO MANY PEOPLE.– *DRINK IS GONE*– Jeez i hope theres only like ten minutes left, i feellike this epside has been on all day.– There in a dungeon i think right now so im just going to reference GERMAN DuNGEEON PORN. Just because.– This guys face looks like the midgets. I dont know what either of their names are.– Unaturally white blonde chick looks like somebody punched her in the eye.– Hey is kind of like the king richards faire right now– There blood, i like this show. UGHGHHH OMFG THERES A GINGER IN THIS SHOW. If you look at my past articles, I DO NOT AGREE With Gingers.– GINGER– I have stopped paying attnetion for the past 8 minutes or so. So i still have no idea whats goingon– Also this show is still going on. FUCK!– MIDGET

OMG its over, i hope yall enjoyed my view of game of thrones even though i am note sure what the fuck happened this episode. Welll i still am not a fan of this show but Zelda claims i will be and she HAS never been wrong but she may be this time. Keep tuned for my next article which will be on my sepcialty: DRINKING GAMES curiously of drinkiwiki ;).
]]>http://kittensharks.org/?feed=rss2&p=6821King Cobras are Awesome/Terrifyinghttp://kittensharks.org/?p=553
http://kittensharks.org/?p=553#commentsThu, 23 Jan 2014 17:05:47 +0000http://kittensharks.org/?p=553Continue reading →]]>If you are, as I am, old enough to remember a childhood before constant threats of violence in schools, massive terrorist attacks and Dance Moms, but also young enough to have missed out on the larger parts of the Cold War, Vietnam or any of the many wars, really, then you remember a time where the scariest fucking thing that could happen to you was to be cornered by a King Cobra (Ophiophagushannah). It is true. Think back far enough, and at some point, we children of the early to mid 80’s had a genuine fear of King Cobras. They stand up with their hoods out and hiss at you, then bite you a bunch of times and you die. But FIRST, they have a hypnotizing effect on you, at least that is what I remember from some stupid book I had to read as a kid.* This is not listed as a Fast Fact on the best source on the Internet for King Cobra information, Cobras.org, so I can’t verify it, but I remember several instances where snakes (especially King Cobras) hypnotized people. (See also: Aladdin for Sega Genesis.)

King Cobras are so badass that they took the name “cobra” from a group of snakes called “true cobras” because, even though just being called King would have been baller, they wanted to have a two name thing happening that would work with their outfit. Notably, this has happened twice: Cobra Commander, notorious G.I. Joe villain and terrorist (terror artist?), also borrowed the name to be cool.

Back in the good old days of the early 1990’s, children were met with only a few fears they could understand. Some of these have been mentioned. None of them matter except King Cobras, because that’s the worst of all. Imagine: you are walking through a bazaar or market (this happened a lot in the 90’s; they were called malls) and a KING FUCKING COBRA pops out of nowhere and stands up at you, hissing, trying to mesmerize you into not moving so it can attack. What do you do? Where do you go? The answers are nothing and no where, because once a King Cobra has you in its thrall, that’s it, bro. You’re done. It would be like if you were Sean Bean in a movie: you know you are going to die (probably horrifically), but maybe not when.

The where, how and why are just incidentals, but the outcome is the same.* There is no explanation for the King Cobra attack on the world. They have no reason to be such jerks except that they can, which is usually why jerks are jerks. I assume it all started when they evolved the cobra hood, which made them look effortlessly cool and scary at the same time, much like when the pin striped suit was invented and changed the lives of gangsters forever. King cobras are known for being very much like Prohibition era gangsters.

Scientific Proof

The frightening impact of these majestic and terrible beasts extends even into the future. I discovered this when watching the documentary film Star Trek: Insurrection one evening with my friend and fellow kittenshark, Jason. As you can see, the King Cobra, at some point in the future, evolves into a saggy-skinned creature that is located on a different planet. No one knows if this evolution occurred before or after their relocation to a different planet because it was not covered in the documentary, but the resemblance is uncanny.

I hope this has helped shed light on the terrifying menace that is King Cobras and what it was like to be a child in a time where King Cobras were the scariest thing that could happen to you. There is not yet any scientific proof as to whether or not they are still the scariest thing on Earth in the Milky Way, but we are at least aware of the threat that could strike at any moment (See what I did there?).

Stay safe.

*I can’t remember the name of the book.

]]>http://kittensharks.org/?feed=rss2&p=5531I Took The Survey! (aka My Noble Quest)http://kittensharks.org/?p=648
http://kittensharks.org/?p=648#respondFri, 03 Jan 2014 01:24:43 +0000http://kittensharks.org/?p=648Continue reading →]]>Good Morning, everybody! I have an announcement for you: 2013 IS DEAD! I know we’re all still nursing New Year’s Eve hangovers but I think we can all go for another round to celebrate its demise. On second thought, maybe 2013 just got a bad rap for not being 2012. 2012 was kind of an overachiever and it was going to be naturally tough to live in the shadow of what a spectacular year that was. But screw it, I’m having champagne again: any reason is a good reason.

Finally back in my life after two days

So what’s your new year’s resolution? Wait, I don’t care. Well, I’m going to share mine so I guess share yours. Throw it in the comments section and the coolest one wins an as of yet undetermined prize. (Prize will not be good.)

My New Years Resolutions tend to spring up unexpectedly. I don’t plan ahead. I just act a certain way on January 1st every year and make a snap decision, and that’s it. That’s my resolution. There is a spectacular failure rate but my resolutions are more about achieving what nobody could ever care about than they are about self improvement, which is more entertaining for all of us.

Anyway, this year I made a top quality resolution, one that benefits not only me because I’m going to enjoy doing this particular activity all the time, but also benefits you because I’m going to forcibly share it with you for your enjoyment, like slides of my own personal vacations only way less exciting and interesting.

“What is this resolution?” you are asking yourself. “What could it be?” you exclaim. “HOW CAN I CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT?” you yell out loud even though you are reading this article on the bus or the subway or somewhere crowded and now you look like an idiot for reacting this way. Okay, I will tell you. But you’re not going to like it.

GET ON WITH IT

I am going to take the survey on the bottom of the receipt.

That’s right. You know how when you make a purchase of goods or services basically anywhere these days there is a code and a URL on your receipt asking you to provide complaints about the already criminally underpaid person who helped you? Well, I’m going to do just that. Then, I’m going to share what I put in the comments section with the world.

My name is Amy and I live a life of unending despair.

Why would I do this? For a number of reasons. First, I have worked in countless customer facing positions and I know that not only are the people who work these jobs some of the hardest working and stressed out people in the world, but also that they are viciously ranked against the comments they get on their receipts. Some well deserved high scores will actually help these people out. Second, a “comments” section is a wonderful short term outlet for the dangerous levels of creativity that live inside my brain. Lastly, when I know there is paperwork involved afterward, I will probably reconsider a lot of minor purchases.

I took a couple of test runs in the past couple of days– a purchase at Dunkin Donuts where I praised my cashier, Nicole while talking about how during my whole 500 yard commute to work that I should have a better option than two different Dunkin Donuts locations, and a receipt from a TGI Fridays, where our server Kirsten would have earned excellent marks had my code not expired between the time I left the restaurant and the time I got home. What the hell is that all about, Fridays? Also, your remodel, while showing some dignity does not hide the fact you are Fridays and your food is still bad. I suppose that’s why you dropped the “Thank Goodness It’s” from your name.

I miss the garbage nailed to the walls already.

Please, Fred. Come back from the dead and haunt the miscreants who are ruining New England’s reputation.

What have I learned in these test runs? Not much, except that I need to do a bit of research before I drop the goods in the comments section. You never know how many comments sections you’ll get, or where they are placed within the survey, or even what questions the survey will throw you at you. Dunkin Donuts, for example, always has a question where they tell you that you have to pick a certain score, or they will disavow your feedback. What? Michael Vale must be rolling in his grave. Not because of that, but because of what Dunkin Donuts has become.

Anyway, I can feel free to share with you the first part of this adventure, or what I am calling my noble quest. I took a lunch time trip to Panera Bread today. After shelling out nine dollars for the soup and pasta version of Taco Bell, I was handed a pager and sent to the back of the unlit cavern that they call a restaurant. Just before my pager started vibrating with such a force as to throw me to the ground, someone who was oblivious to the fact that I was the only person there screamed my name to indicate they had finished scooping my meal into its proper vehicle. When I finally caught my breath and regained proper footing, I took my meal and quickly devoured it with the precious remaining seconds of my lunch break.

Anyway, I began my quest in earnest once I arrived home, and logged on to PANERALISTENS.COM where the good people at Panera Bread were eagerly awaiting my feedback.

Even a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

I had figured the code on my receipt would be good enough to identify when and where I made my purchase, but it became clear that with Panera Bread, that simple thing was not to be the case. I’m not a survey engineer, I don’t know these things. There was no time to dwell on it– my quest, and this post needed to be revealed to the world. Onward I clicked, telling Panera of my feelings about my experience today on a scale of Very Dissatisfied to Very Satisfied. I was mostly satisfied, I’d been to Panera Bread before and knew pretty much what to expect.

Designs Panera Bread surveys for a living

Panera Bread, it would seem, prefers mainly to stick to this straightforward system. As a lousy-job veteran, I was pretty sure that the actual rating for the hard working employee comes from the closed-ended scoring questions. I leaned heavily on the Very Satisfieds, even though in reality it is probably completely impossible for a restaurant with more than one location to actually deliver a perfect experience. I had hoped for one or two comments sections. In my ideal survey taking situation there are comments sections for praise of the victim who works there and for trashing the business that is ruining their life. That is probably going to be a rare occasion in my endeavor here, as these corporations most definitely think they’re doing everything right. (They aren’t, FYI.)

Finally, I arrived at the comments section. In my post-work, pre-champagne moments I thought I was doing something amusing. Here was the only open ended question:

Should not be optional. Is actually the only thing that matters because it’s the reason I return to your terrible restaurants.

This was my answer:

My cashier, Melanie was an exceptional individual who went above and beyond. I asked a question of her which she did not know the answer immediately, and rather than lie to me as has happened in the past when I’ve had uncertainty as to your menu, she looked it up in some kind of secret tome buried in the bowels beneath the register. After she and a cohort performed some kind of incantation over the ancient bound scripture, I was informed that yes: the mushroom soup is in fact vegetarian.

Melanie, you are a diamond in the rough. Panera should pay you more. I’m already paying too much for their food.

Get ready for an exciting year, kids.

]]>http://kittensharks.org/?feed=rss2&p=6480Reaction to Game of Throneshttp://kittensharks.org/?p=626
http://kittensharks.org/?p=626#respondSun, 29 Dec 2013 01:53:28 +0000http://kittensharks.org/?p=626Continue reading →]]>So. Ive seen the first episode of Game of Thrones and that’s it. All I can say is there were some thing I could get behind like attempted child murder and others I counted like sister-banging.

I’m sitting in the central hub of all things important in Plymouth with two of my fellow kittensharks Ashley and Zelda with the smell of pasta and garlic wafting threw the air as I sip on a mixture of gin, cherry seltzer water and red bull, also known as my typing potion. What have I become?

I shall now press on and watch episode 3. Lord Snow. Go!

– I missed the first I dunno, 15 minutes or so of the show as I took two quizzes to find out what house I would belong too. I got Tully, on both. I have no idea who they are.

7:33 – There is some blonde chick leading an army of people who look like they were extras from “The Road Warrior” and I have no idea who they are or what there doing.

Now I see a blonde guy and a girl in a tub, she is sensually and erotically cleaning him. I assume they are related.

I’m still trying to find out what kind of show this is. Lady just dumped hot wax on blonde guy but he didn’t even seem to notice. No homo but his chest is so smooth looking I;m sure its not the first time hot wax has been applied there.

Oh – lady was a prostitute. A “pleasure worker”. And now there banging as he talks about battle and skulls. Is this blood porn? If so its only 3 Ipads, a rich family from Duxbury and 2 screaming kids away from working at a Best Buy. Oh he hired her to teach his sister how to bang and hes taking her for a “test drive”. I hope to god he’s not banging his sister. Zelda says he isn’t but my gut says otherwise.

Family before ho’s

7:41 Did I just see a black guy?

7:42 Shivakamini Somakandarkram I just Shiva Blasted. Yeah. I said it.

7:47 Fat dude with a neck beard/chinstrap. I know its not set in our timeline/universe but if it was I’d imagine its the 1300-1400’s. I like how regardless of what time and universe your in fat dudes will still use chin straps in a vein attempt to define a jaw line.

Turns out his name is Sam. Turns out no matter if your a hobbit or from game of thrones Sam is the name of tubby people.

Yobin also just commented on his name at the same moment. I felt I needed to mentioned that. Drink. (7:51)

7:57 Zelda just said Tully is pretty good and Stark may be better. Stark I’m assuming eventually makes a robotic suit that give Robert Downy Jr. the ability to fight super villains which is pretty awesome.

7:59 Chinstrap is training with swords right now. They made some other dude step in cause he was pussy footing around and that guy just faked getting his ass beat. I ended talking with Yobin and Zelda about some other show that I have higher expectations for so I have no idea how this scene ends.

I don’t get it.

8:03 (or 8:16 depending on what clock you look at. Yobin pointed out the clock in my room is a half hour fast and my computer is 15 minutes behind so I never where I’m supposed to be) Jason has arrived back at the compound and I gave him exactly three sips of my typing potion. Their are 3 ingredients to this and he guessed the first 2 by flavor and the third by knowing I will always choose Gin over Vodka given the option.

8:12 Some white boy just got a splinter of death. Holy shit. I was eating pasta and damn, some dude in a tuna can just exploded.

8:something. I was itching my socks (peeing) and I came out and the episode ended.

And so my typing ends, another night well spent and another month taken off my life. I’ll leave you with the results of quiz. And remember, go home America – You’re drunk.

——Which House In Westeros Do You Belong To?

House Tully/Portuguese!

Family always comes first. You fall upon any blade to save those you care about. Parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, sons and daughters…they mean the world to you! But that doesn’t mean that you spend your life doting. You can love your family and be distant, still, and allow them to make their own choices (with the exception of one meddlesome, insane, former Tully we all know and hate…). You’re likely very devout in your faith and pray regularly for the safety and well-being of others. You are kind, for the most part, but will take slights against you and yours and little betrayals within your own family too personally sometimes, and it can often result in you making it your personal goal to avenge your loved ones. Perhaps your biggest crime is that you love and care too much, and sometimes let this cloud your judgement. Tullys tend to have beautiful auburn hair and dark blue eyes.

Flag of Tully

Fuck you Portuguese Stereotypes. /MA problem.

]]>http://kittensharks.org/?feed=rss2&p=6260Ashley’s Reaction to Game of Thrones (Delayed)http://kittensharks.org/?p=633
http://kittensharks.org/?p=633#respondSun, 29 Dec 2013 01:34:05 +0000http://kittensharks.org/?p=633Continue reading →]]>A few months ago, I started the game of thrones with Zelda and Jason since all errrrbody does is talk about how frickin’ great it is. Well…… I do not agree with the general public. THIS SHOW IS FUCKING WEIIIIIRD. So now I am giving this show a second chance but this time i feel like i should commentate it. So here we are watching Season 1 episode 4 skipping over episode 3 because the title and summery sounded dumb.

-There is a midget
– All the actors on this show have squared shaped faces.
– WOW that mole is HUGE
– I now know how to sword fight because of the dudes in front of the castle, i think that was a castle idk they never showed the whole building.
-*Take a sip from my nice ice cold UV blue and seltzer water.*
– What i never understand about shows based this far back in history is how their hair looks so clean. Bitches didnt have shampoo about in the 1400’s or whenever the hell this is based.
-Hey like 5 minutes in there havent been any bro & sis sex scenes. Maybe this show does get better from here on out.
– No shit you’re a coward tubtub
– Ew he just spit everywhere. Thats gross.
– **gulp gulp alcoholic beverage**
-Theres no way her hair can be that naturally light. They had bleach in the 1400’s??
– Ok now, here is a bro sis sex scene. I will never actually like this show.
– Jking Zelda just corrected me.
– Shes pouring hot wax on him. Oh.
– *drink more booze*
– *drink AGAIN*
– *Nothings really happening and i cant hear them so drinking again*
– HAHA
– Ok NOW Bro and Sis sex has been referenced
– *DRINK AGAIN*
– before next episode i will find a drinking game to this provided by drinkiwiki. If i dont find a Game of thrones drinking game on drinkiwiki ill stop watching because if its not on drinkiwiki its not worth my time.
– Is that guy black? A black knight in the 1400’s? werent they still slaves everywhere.
– Potions. When did this become a witch tv show. I d be more interested if that was the case.
– What is the game of thrones anyways. I DONT GET IT.
– Who are these people.
-I can only recognize the wicked light blonde siblings and idek their names.
– Why is she balancing on one leg, your not shawn johnson ked.
– *Shit i havent drank in awhile. *GULP*
– BRRRRRR its cold there. Where the fuck in the world are they anyway.
– Are they on planet earth?
– OMG is this proof i havent been watching
– Well, now you all know i havent been paying attention. Whatever im over it i guess ill just have another drink.
-* GULP GULP GULP GULP*
– Ayyyy its tubtubs again.
– I guess Tubtubs name is Sam. I dont care if i know what his name is now. He will remain TUBTUBS.
– *drink* (7:51)
– That guy is walking like he has a peg leg i do not see a peg leg.
– Whores everywhere.
– Viserys is the wicked light blonde douche who was in the tub with that whore (she really is a whore though, she was (probably still is) a prostitute for 15 years) who i thought was his sister.
– Picnic tables picnic tiiiiimeeee.
– if i were to actually follow game of thrones i would be an alcoholic
– *GULP*
– Fuck my drink is almost gone and were only halfway through the episode.
– OOOOO DOGGYS!!!!!!!
– Now we’re talking about how were going to watch boardwalk empire after this episode. Sorry Game of Thrones fans but IDK how you watch this show. I have no idea what the fuck is going on. TOO MANY PEOPLE.
– *DRINK IS GONE*
– Jeez i hope theres only like ten minutes left, i feellike this epside has been on all day.
– There in a dungeon i think right now so im just going to reference GERMAN DuNGEEON PORN. Just because.
– This guys face looks like the midgets. I dont know what either of their names are.
– Unaturally white blonde chick looks like somebody punched her in the eye.
– Hey is kind of like the king richards faire right now
– There blood, i like this show. UGHGHHH OMFG THERES A GINGER IN THIS SHOW. If you look at my past articles, I DO NOT AGREE With Gingers.
– GINGER
– I have stopped paying attnetion for the past 8 minutes or so. So i still have no idea whats goingon
– Also this show is still going on. FUCK!
– MIDGET

OMG its over, i hope yall enjoyed my view of game of thrones even though i am note sure what the fuck happened this episode. Welll i still am not a fan of this show but Zelda claims i will be and she HAS never been wrong but she may be this time. Keep tuned for my next article which will be on my sepcialty: DRINKING GAMES curiously of drinkiwiki ;).

]]>http://kittensharks.org/?feed=rss2&p=6330Nikki Dinki is Amazing and Should Have a Show on Food Networkhttp://kittensharks.org/?p=583
http://kittensharks.org/?p=583#respondFri, 02 Aug 2013 19:03:10 +0000http://kittensharks.org/?p=583Continue reading →]]>

Is apparently also a supermodel

Food Network Star is a very special show, as far as I am concerned. I got hooked during the 2012 season, and it was something that punctuated what I will probably always consider to be the most amazing and magical Summer of my life.

Every Sunday I look forward excitedly to sitting down on the couch with Zelda and any of the other Kittensharks who happen to be around, turning on Food Network, and then throwing out all kinds of reactionary tweets for one intense hour. The tweeting about it is crucial to the experience. I’ve annoyed my real life friends (sucks to be you, @e_of_pi!), Made some new friends (shout out especially to @Rachaven, who is awesome), and gotten myself blocked by Giada (a Kittenshark rite of passage).

Anyhow, FNS isn’t over for the year yet but in some ways, it feels like it might as well be. I guess any reality or game show where your loyalty to one contestant or another shifts is one that is at the very least edited properly, but more likely because there are many incredible people on it and you want more than one to win.

Last year it didn’t take too long for me to choose a favorite. At first it was Justin Warner, who ultimately won in the end. It didn’t stay that way, though. Nikki Martin really started stealing the show and for a whole year I’ve felt that the biggest mistake Food Network has ever made was passing up on such a talented and fun personality. On July 15th of last year, Zelda posted an article, Nikki Martin is Amazing and Should Have a Show on Food Network. Well, this year, here I am writing the followup, and I only had to change the contestant’s last name.

At first I thought Chad Rosenthal was probably the most exciting personality, especially when he absolutely nailed it with a vegetable challenge– something that one would have thought was way outside of his comfort zone. I was sorry to see Chad get eliminated, and even though I have been a vegetarian for more than half my life, I would watch the hell out of a barbecue show if he were the one hosting it.

But even before Chad got eliminated I felt that same massive shift in my loyalty as I did last year. Nikki Dinki really appeared to come out of her shell, and became my number one favorite. Her “Meat on the Side” point of view, of course spoke to me a little bit more easily than others but I don’t watch television like I eat. Once again, I feel that the Food Network blew it by passing up on their strongest contestant. Nikki Dinki has in abundance the talent, charm, and look to have a great show on the Food Network.

I suppose there is some solace to be taken in the fact that Nikki has a pretty solid online presence already. The quickest of glances at her website will make you hungry and ready to try a new recipe. Those Broccoli Tacos and the Kabocha Squash + Tomato Pasta that I see on the front page as of this moment are lookin’ right.

The Kittensharks paid tribute to Nikki Martin last year in the form of one of our traditional “Half-Assed recipes.” A drink- The Nikki Martini was born, and Mz. Martin responded in kind with her spicier, sexier, whole-assedOfficial Nikki Martini. I guess this means I have two tasks before me, now. First, create and post a new half-assed recipe for a cocktail called the “Nikki Drinki” and to pray that next year’s wrongfully eliminated Nikki will also have a last name we can cleverly turn into a reference to booze.

Going forward, I’m not a hundred percent sure who to root for. I’m thinking Russell: the “Culinary Sins” thing works to an extent, and could make for interesting television. Maybe Damaris, she’s kind of growing on me. As much as Rodney seems like a nice guy, I’m all set on “Guy Fieri’s younger brother makes pies all the time” as a show. Nor do I think that anyone whose claim to fame was “had a bad restaurant until Food Network saved it” should get their own show. Sorry, Stacey.

I’d rather see a show where both Nikkis somehow collaborated as a culinary odd couple. Their personalities and perspectives could play off each other in the most fantastic way to make for genuinely entertaining television. Last year we got Alex Guarnaschelli as the new Iron Chef, which she so rightfully deserved. This year, Food Network should right the error by doing this. I could die happy, and much likelier in my kitchen.