The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on - 5'9'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before."

"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now," she purred.

"Okay," I replied.

Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying, "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, cipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds until full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..."

"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, and pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!

She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass... have you ever felt such a cunt?"

"I certainly have," I answered, "I missed the kick!".

Hail to the demons of the earth and kaos anarchy and destruction to those who exploit our human rights and starve the poor and make us suffer for the dead now walk the earth the armys of the dead hail vampires and all creatures of the night hail to the white moon and drtink the blood of our enimies and paint the town red

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the roada young boy is walking towards them accross the streetthe priest says to the rabbi "we should go over there and fuck him"the rabbi looks the boy up and down and replies "Out of what?"

I once worked in a helium depot. The job was dangerous because the cylinders leaked frequently, but the owner was very sympathetic and we all spoke highly of her.

Little Johnny was sent home from school because he shat his pants in class.As his mother was picking him up, she asked: "Why didn't you excuse yourself to go to the loo?"Little Johnny replied: "A turtle was poking its head out and I was scared of passing its shell!"