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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

I really want to make one thing clear, but it's late and I'm supposed to be in bed, so it will be short but expounded upon at a later date...

Sin is sin. I did not compare being overweight with murder and adultery. I did, however, level the sin of gluttony with murder and adultery. Actually, I didn't, God did. There is no 'better or lesser' sin. If a person is overweight, they are not a sinner. 'Skinny' people are sinners, too. If a person is overweight because they have an addiction to food, it has become their 'god', that is a different story. It is a result of gluttony. If a person is overweight because they have a thyroid problem or some medical condition caused by something other than food abuse, they aren't sinners! If a person is bone rail thin because they despise food, a gift from God, viewing it as evil and neglecting their temple that way, that is self-abuse, also a sin.

At some point I'll share my journey through all this and the dream God gave me and the audible conversation He had with me, well actually, He just spoke and I listened, when He called me out on my gluttony.

In the meantime, I don't think that if a person is 'overweight' that they are sinners because of their 'appearance'. Sinners, ie all of mankind, come in all shapes and sizes...some sins can be 'hidden' for a time, others cannot, but the one thing that is true, regardless of our weaknesses, our tendencies and our 'secret hidden sins', God will bring them to light, because in Him there is no darkness. Praise God for that!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

In 2 1/2 weeks it will be June 10, 2007. Noah's birthday. As it quickly approaches, I'm getting sad...7 months was just way too short! 5 1/2 of those being in TCH (not that that place is bad, the nurses ROCK and we'd visit every day if we were into emotional torture...). I can't even begin to imagine what he's doing in Heaven. I wish Jesus would come back soon so I could be in Heaven, too. I know it's selfish because maybe many of you don't want Him to return until you accomplish 'x', but, honestly, I don't want to wait until I'm 100 to see Jesus, or Noah for that matter!

I've been thinking of how we will remember Noah on his birthday this year...Jason and Em and I are for sure going to celebrate and remember him, as we do daily. Em wants cake like any 4.75 year old should! It's a little too late to swing what I want to do, so next year will be the beginning of that, Lord willing, but I think this year, on June 10th, we'll have a 'bring your own picnic' park extravaganza with lots of kids, kites, frisbees, etc, for whoever wants to show up. We've been wanting to have a big party for over a year now, anyway, so what better time to celebrate!? I'll post more details for locals later...

Anyway, I have a few other ideas of how I want to remember Noah's birthday, and, if others are wanting a way to do that, here are my thoughts...First, a bunch of my friends and I are growing our hair out in honor of Noah for 'Locks for Love'. (If you want to grow it out and do it in honor of someone you love, go for it, the more the merrier!) If we have an extra 10 inches by January 12th, 2008, then we'll all go get cuts that day. I'll post a picture of our 'before' hair later. Then, the fund that we originally set up to help offset costs of lab work and out of network doctors has been on my heart a lot lately. We have been able to reconcile some of those costs and there is some left over. We want to set up a two-fold purpose for that fund in memory of Noah that will keep giving as long as money is there...We want to give scholarships to nursing students since nurses ROCK! AND, I'm not sure if you knew this or not, but, Noah only smiled once, maybe twice, but both times in his sleep. He never smiled consciously...SO, since he's smiling all the time now, we want to consistently send money to 'Operation Smile' which is an organization that provides cleft palette surgery to children in 3rd world countries for only $250 a surgery! A kid can breathe and eat and drink AND SMILE after one of these surgeries! We love missions and wanted to do something medical that made a difference, so thought this was a good fit...

Finally, as I've said previously, Jason, my little sister, and 3 girlfriends were present for Noah's birth. One friend coached me, one had the camera and the other had the video camera...I've never watched the video...With a brand new box of deluxe lotion coated Puffs tissues, I think that's how I'll privately close out June 1oth.

*FYI, the Mother's Day service is posted under 'messages' now at www.redrockschurch.com Keep in mind I'm squinting because the lights were so bright and I'm not a big fan of hand held microphones, I'm a hand talker:)...Alright, I gotta go to bed...I'm slipping into hospital hours here...

I prayed that yesterday's post would be read by whomever God desired and that prayer and healing would begin in people's hearts...

Since about 10 people who read this blog are 4th and 5th graders in Korea that I love dearly, I am going to delete the comments due to mature content, but, Charlie, if you are truly seeking counsel and sharpening from godly men, go to "View My Profile", click on it, there's a link to my email. From there, Jason and other men can contact you and encourage you, praying for you and possibly be able to put you in contact with someone who lives near you...Thank you for sharing your story and know that many are praying for you and your family...

Monday, May 21, 2007

Exposure...I blurred out my face and my friend's husband's face because my intent is not to point fingers or drag his name through the mud, though I am inclined to do so, presently, as a protective friend. I'd like to blur out his face for real, though I know it's more productive for me to pray, so I won't beat the tar out of him...God can deal with His son more effectively than me:)

I'd like to bring to light scripture and hard core truth that would really solve a lot of problems in Christendom if we heeded the Lord's direction on the topic. There's actually a ton of meaty content on either side of the verses I'm going to highlight, so maybe that'll be a part two and three or more...

Matthew 18:15-20 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. 18 "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. 19 Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."

Before this verse Jesus is talking about lost sheep, after He shares a parable about the unmerciful servant, and then the next chapter leads into divorce...

So, what I am talking about here is sin. We all sin. It's not like one day, we just 'out of the blue' decide to have an affair or murder someone or hoard or squander wealth or be 100lbs overweight. The list goes on, obviously, but an affair starts with poor/no communication, then co-existence, then striking up 'trust' and 'friendship' with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse, then justified late nights at work and BAMMO, your new 'best friend' is not the one God designed and you actually think that person is worth destroying your family over. You justify in your heart that you can be a great parent but not a great spouse. In summary, believing lies...

Let's take the next one on the list...murder. You don't just go shoot/stab/whatever someone at lunch one day. There are obviously pent up emotions of anger and angst that build and build because healthy ways of dealing with disappointment, frustration, abandonment, rejection, were never sought. In summary, believing lies...

Or take over-eating and obesity. I can talk about this because I was in bondage to thinking about food for a good 25 years of my life. You don't just wake up one day 25, 50, 100, 300lbs overweight. This sin of gluttony is real and I lived it, though I may have never 'looked' the part, it's abuse of God's temple, our bodies. This one comes through daily choices of not taking a short walk, choosing life giving foods on a regular basis, and thinking food is something other than just that...food. In summary, believing lies...

So, back to sins...James encourages us. "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16 Most sermons you hear from this scripture only refer to the verses before that talk of faith healing for the sick. Well, sin makes us sick. Worry, fear, anger, pride, lust, greed, control, passive-aggressive angst, gossip, etc, etc. "My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins." James 5:19-20 Again, this verse is mainly used in circles referring to people who don't know Christ, but James is talking about Christians who are wandering, steeped in sin. We need to stop expecting the 'hardcore, real' sinners to start fessing up and heed the scriptures that are directed to followers of Christ. I've done it before and will most gladly do it over and over again...I will air my dirty laundry because as crappy as it is to admit I'm not perfect, it's not like anyone thought that in the first place, so, it's helping me see what everyone else has seen all along and what God sees, and that brings freedom.

Jason's and my marriage is not perfect, but we work on it daily. We have always been best friends, but even with your best girl or guy friend, you make a concerted effort to know that person, to care for that person, to love them and show them you do. Why do so many people turn around at the altar after the ceremony and think that's it? Anyway, Jason and I have been praying for many of our friend's marriages over the last 15 years. Many have hit rock bottom and are on the uphill now. Some have ended. Recently, one friend shared with me that like we've shared with the world about Noah's sickness, pleading for prayers from all over the globe, she desires so badly to tell the world that her marriage is sick. She likened it to cancer, a sickness, that needs healing. Her husband, however, was not as keen on the idea of letting people know about the current state of their marriage.

Currently, a dear friend is in a battle for her marriage. It's her husband in the picture above that I blurred out and he vacillates between wanting to work on it and wanting to back out and take the easy road because he thinks he'll just mess up again. My friend has gone to him one on one. She then shared their heartache with family and close friends to come alongside them. Now, she's gathering an army of people around her to pray for her and her husband and their son. She has even begun blogging about it because, like the other woman, it's a sickness that needs prayer for healing.

You know what satan loves (it's the only thing he's capable of 'loving'...)? He loves to hate us. He loves to see God's creation, that is, all of mankind, in bondage to sin. He loves lies and is the author of them, so when we realize we are believing lies and desire to break free from them, he gets REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY ticked off! And that's not the whole of it! He knows scripture more than many of us, so when he sees that we are starting to 'know' it and live it and walk in it, he freaks because he knows that a man who knows who they are in Christ is a dangerous force against his cause...the destruction of God's image, Man.

Soooooo...when we openly confess our sins to one another, or are turned from sin because someone we love rebuked us, we are breaking the enemy of our hearts hold on us. No, it's not necessarily pleasant! It totally sucks, really. Oooh, how fun to tell the world that I was a closet eater and literally thought about food all day long for years! But it has no hold on me now!

James 4:4-10 says, "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? 6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." 7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

Legalism uses this Scripture to refer to not listening to anything other than Christian music or only going to Christian schools or boxing yourself into Christian circles so you aren't 'exposed' to the world. What I think it means is befriending sin. Befriending the temptations that so easily entangle, our buttons, our weaknesses, the thoughts that run through our minds, instead of taking them captive since they are in opposition to the Most High God. When the idea that having sex with someone else's wife 'pops' into your head, it's not a good thing. (Jesus covers that in Matthew 5:27-30) Don't 'befriend' that lie...

I love the book of James. There is so much meat in it. Anyway, the 'funny' thing about lies and sin is that it's not original. For instance, do you or your husband or your friend's husband or wife really think you are the only person to be tempted with looking at another beautiful person other than your own spouse? Oooh, it's not original! You aren't all that and a bag of chips! None of us is! Sin isn't original...it's WAY old, like, since even BEFORE the Garden (when Lucifer thought he was all that and a bag of chips), and until we get sick of it in our lives and openly confess it because of the blood of Christ, NOT CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK BUT ONLY CARING WHAT GOD THINKS, it will eat us alive, corrupt our hearts, our minds, our marriages, our attitudes, our relationships. It will cause us to believe that friendship with the world is where we were created to exist and take our focus off of heaven, God's presence, the place for which we were created to breathe.

I'm not saying to go look for the specks of dust in everyone and their dogs' eyes. Though, if there is someone in your life who has sinned against you, or whom you have sinned against, go to them quickly instead of allowing it to eat away at your heart. Follow the instructions of Jesus above and if, after all the steps are followed, they don't give a rip, walk away, with forgiveness in your own heart and pray. Believe me, James says that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely, NOT slightly. God will work on that person's heart, and if they still are self-serving even after that...I guess I don't really know what happens. That's between them and God.

My friend has followed the order of steps Jesus teaches to heal her marriage. She cannot force her husband to follow suit nor can she cause him to repent or choose to fight for their marriage. His submission to God is the only thing that can allow that to happen. Not all our sins have to be taken to this public a level if we would swallow our pride early on. Newspapers, tabloids and TV stations would actually report on news and not people's personal lives if we were willing to admit our need for prayer and sharpening in the first stages of temptation. I can tell you from personal experience, confession of sin to a 3rd party behind a booth or curtain has no accountability. When we are able to be real about our weaknesses, shortcomings and sins, face to face, full exposure, we are closer to healing and walking in freedom. Without accountability there is no motivation for change, and certainly no need for remorse and hardcore repentance...

Of all of my friends that have fought for their marriages, some ending in divorce due to their husband's marital unfaithfulness, others in reconciliation, one thing has been a central theme...each woman has RUN to Jesus, thrown themselves at His feet and in losing themselves, have been found. Each one can lift her head, not in pride, but because of where her focus lies, on the Author of her faith, the One that loves her unconditionally...

Friday, May 18, 2007

Thursday, May 17, 2007

(August on the c-pap, asking for healing...) (January 12, 2007, thanking God for the miracle of Noah...) (The night of January 12th, resting in the arms of God, Mom wondering if God was going to keep him or let him come back to mom and dad on earth...)Perspective, trust, and hope…(the unedited version of what I shared on Mother's Day...I had 5 minutes, so I left some stuff out...Sorry, it's a bit long...)

When Pastor Shawn told me that one of his scriptural references for today’s sermon was from Exodus 2, a few thoughts flooded my mind. It's the story of Moses’ mother placing him in a basket in the river after holding onto him for 3 months. I thought about Moses' mom putting him in the river, probably collapsing on the bank, physically sick to her stomach, thinking out loud, "Did I really just stick my sweet boy in the freaking Nile River with a bunch of crocodiles?!" And then the big sister running along the bank, watching his basket thinking to herself, "What kind of crazy parents put little brothers in baskets in rivers?! Did my mom really just do that?!" Believe me, these thoughts went through my mind a myriad of times...Then I also thought, well that's great, but she got to see much of the outcome of her life and death choice. Her kid wasn't swallowed whole by crocs, he was scooped out of the river by the Princess' court and lived in the kingdom, led the Israelites out of Egypt, split the Red Sea, saw God face to face and glowed in the dark as a result, changed the WORLD with the receiving and giving of the 10 Commandments...you know, nothing too trivial...Then I thought of August 23rd and my ‘deal’ with God regarding how He was going to heal Noah and raise him from the dead.

August 23rd was the day Noah’s lung collapsed and we had not decided if putting Noah on a ventilator was something we should do or not. After the iron lung did not inflate his lung, I called Jason and said, “Maybe tonight we’ll lay down with Noah and give him to God…And then we’ll raise him from the dead…because that’s just what you do. I mean, it happens everyday in Africa.” You see, faith was not the issue. I had and still have plenty of faith. I had 'mega' faith, heck, I expected a miracle! I just had an idea of how faith was supposed to work. I did the opposite of what I have said for years...I put God in a box. I had it all figured out how it would look...God either heals Noah or raises him miraculously from the dead, then for the rest of Noah's days, he (and we) proclaims God's love to the ends of the earth...It made total sense to me! (And did I mention God still gets all the glory?!)

Before Noah, or Emily, was ever born, we dedicated them to the Lord for His plan and purpose. I specifically prayed one night, at home right after he was born, that God would raise Noah up to be a leader in his generation, that he would be a godly example and a voice for the Lord. Therefore, God healing Noah miraculously or raising him from the dead would be the ONLY way that he could possibly be a leader among his generation, right? News of his miraculous healing would lead many to Christ and God would get all the glory, to boot! Well, that is what I originally believed. However, God is not in the shipping industry…He cannot be put into a box. His ways are not our ways. Ecclesiastes 11:5 says, “As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.”

In Job, when God finally speaks, He’s pretty frank about what He knows and what they don’t, Who made what and who didn’t, Who was there when time began…He’s big. He’s huge, and though I had had a pretty intimate, radical relationship with Him over the past 19 years, this was it, this was my ‘go’ time. Did I really trust God with not only my life, but the life of our first born son? I realized the day we went to the hospital for the outpatient neurology visit, but were later checked in for further testing, that this was more than physical, it was spiritual. The whole of it I have yet to understand, and like the people in Hebrews 11, I don’t think I’ll get the big picture until later, but I began praying. I prayed not only for Noah’s healing, but for everyone who walked through the doors of his room; every visitor, doctor, nurse, RT, cleaning lady, supply stock boy, every sick kid down the hall and their family…EVERYONE. I realized we had to trust God whole-heartedly, no matter the earthly outcome, even though we thought a miraculous healing would still be the best way for God to really stick it to the man, so to speak, to show everyone Who’s boss. Again, my way, not His – He does not have to prove Himself, nor does He need me to plead His cause...

Anyway, as I prayed, God kept laying on my heart His desire to come for His Bride. One week in September I fasted and prayed to hear God’s voice more clearly and for spiritual direction. Not once all week did He speak about Noah’s ‘condition’. He didn’t give me insight or an answer about what it was that was causing Noah’s health to decline. The only thing in His word He continually led me to was scriptures about Him returning for His Bride and His desire to come soon. At first I was excited, but then I was a little mad. I thought, “What on earth does this have to do with Noah?!” It’s not like it was ‘news’! Jesus has been saying He’s coming back for 2000 years, so why was God showing me all this stuff in His word about Him coming soon?! I thought, "Yeah, that’s awesome, Lord, but Noah’s my sick kid and though I know you can even raise him from the dead, healing him now so we can get busy living for you would be great! Yeah, so thanks, and...could You get right on that??!!!" Again, my perspective…

We never gave up on Noah, either through research or miraculous prayer, but after wrestling with God’s heart in the matter and a perspective more awesome than our own, we knew in our hearts what God was asking us to do. It never crossed my mind that in Noah's death, peoples' lives would be reached for God's glory because his life was so short in human terms. I couldn’t fathom it, yet I knew it was true. We had to trust God. Really trust Him. In August, laying Noah before the Lord was on my terms. In January, it was a genuine surrender of trust on our parts. We were truly broken...

The week we shared on the blog that we were going to give Noah to God as a gift on the 12th, every continent had checked in and about 15,000 people had read his story. By Friday the 12th there were over 40,000 unique hits, not just computer data, but people praying. Today, over 120,000 people have read Noah’s story. We have received thousands of emails from people all over the world whose lives have been deeply touched by Noah’s life, because his sweet life pointed to Christ. Many of these emails are from people who had strayed from God, others who were never raised with any faith, and a lot from people who love God but never knew the depth of surrender He desires of us. I share this not because the blog is 'popular' or something meaningless like that, but because already we've had a glimpse of the deep impact of one life, and death, surrendered to God's plan. Moses’ mom got to see her son lead God’s people out of Egypt, but only once he was no longer in her ‘possession’…No, Noah wasn’t Moses, but I believe he has already been a leader in his generation, and will continue to be by the many people who now walk with God, the True Lover of their souls, more intimately because of a sweet little boy…

Even as we turned the ventilator off and knelt before God with this most beautiful, precious gift, we believed that He could either heal him or raise Noah from the dead. The difference, though, was that we were offering Noah to God with no strings attached this time. A free gift, one in which we knew He would delight. We weren’t boxing Him in...God could answer the prayers however pleased Him. He knew our hearts were pure of any human agenda. It wasn’t, “Here, we’ll do our part, now You do Yours according to our will...” We had to believe and trust that the God of the Universe, the One that threw every star in place, made man out of dust (Who does that?!), knows every hair on our heads, which is you times 6.5 billion people times an average head of hair, the One who is not a man that He should lie…we had to trust that God sees the bigger picture. We had to trust that either God is Who He says He is, or He's a liar. We had to trust that God loved Noah more than we did and that even though it stinks for us here, heaven has got to be an amazing place if God wanted Noah there so badly. We had to trust that just MAYBE God views death differently than we do...Our perspective on abundant life in Christ, physical death and eternal hope had to change in order for real trust to take place in our hearts.

It’s difficult to sum up a 7 month journey in a short amount of time, but I want to leave you with this quote I learned after Noah went quickly into the arms of Jesus…

“The tragedy is not that ones life ends so young, it is that some people wait too long to start living.”

Somehow Noah knew his purpose and lived it to the full, regardless of his physical inabilities and a short time table. His Spirit was willing, and therefore, he was used…I am honored and deeply humbled that I was chosen to be his mom on this earth. I pray that my life would be as fragrant an offering to God as Noah’s was...

*(The other day I got a comment from someone who was sad that I loved God more than I loved my own kids...It's my hope and love for God that physically enabled me and my husband to take Noah off of life support. In my selfishness, he could still be on those machines today, but he'd be dying a slow and painful death. To have the hope of heaven and everlasting, abundant life, worshipping God alongside Noah, is priceless...I cannot imagine if dirt were Noah's and my final destination, or even an endless cycle of reincarnation...That's not priceless, it's hopeless. Hope is my treasure stored up in heaven.)

Monday, May 14, 2007

(I love this picture because they were looking into each other's eyes...)(This picture is the second or third day Noah was in the hospital.)

So, the other morning I wanted to squeeze Em so hard and shout it from the rooftops how much I love her. Here's how it came out...

Me: Em, I love you SOOOOO much! I love you as big as the universe!

Em: Mom, do you love me more than God?

Me: No, Em, I don't...I'm not allowed to. He's pretty clear on that.

(Em drops her head and turns from me...)

Me: I don't even love daddy as much as God, or Noah, or anybody. You know what? I love you as big as I possibly can, though! As much as I can love you, I do! I love you AS big as the universe...I love God BIGGER than the Universe.

Em: I love you as big as the universe, too!

Thankfully it turned out better than I had imagined once the "No, Em, I don't" rolled off my lips...

Thursday, May 10, 2007

This picture was taken 42 minutes after Noah was born. Em was waiting in the hallway as my friends rotated in and out of the room during his delivery. Jason, my younger sister, and three girlfriends were present for his birth. One of the friends also acted as my doula and the other two were prayer warrior/cheerleader/documentarians. June 10th was an awesome day. I'm so grateful to God for the opportunity to have been a mom to Noah on earth and to be a mom to Em, here and now. That is one thing that can never be taken away...I will always be Noah's mom.

Speaking of mom's, I love Mother's Day. I know not everyone does, and I don't for the corsage, brunch buffet reasons, though those are fine. I love Mother's Day for other reasons. I have a great mom on earth. I thank God for her. I have also been blessed with Jason's mom. Growing up, my friend's moms have all been wonderful women that I loved, too. I love watching my sisters be moms. I love being a mom! It's the hardest most wonderful job on earth and the monetary pay stinks but the treasures in heaven far surpass anything I could ever hope for. BUT, the main reason I love Mother's Day is that 20 years ago I was swept off my feet and drawn into the most amazing love relationship I could never have imagined!

We had moved across town and started going to the local Catholic church. (Before I get too deep into the story, this is not a Catholic bashing session, it's just part of my testimony...) We had gone to a great charismatic Catholic church prior to our move, but it was too far to drive and they were starting to get into some weird stuff like contacting ancestral spirits and new age stuff (that's another post...). They were desiring spiritual things, but not seeking the Holy Spirit. Anyway, the local church we moved near was so dead that they had to play pre-recorded music over the loud speakers because no one would sing, and the priest died...Mother's Day was approaching and my dad told my mom she could pick anywhere to go that day for church. *Side note: My mom was raised Lutheran and my dad was Catholic. When they got married, she said she'd raise us Catholic, but with a twist...they taught us that our relationship was between God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Mary and the saints were great, but we weren't supposed to pray to them. That worked for both my parents so, apparently it worked for us...

Anyway, we went to some really good Catholic churches growing up. I went to CCD (I have NO recollection of what that stands for now...), I took my first communion when I was in 4th grade because my parents wanted me to know what I was doing (that's later than the norm, if I recall), and then at the end of 9th grade, 1987, I was confirmed. During my journey as a Catholic kid, I always trusted that God was real, that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and that I believed God and loved Him. I even wanted to be a nun because I really wanted to serve God and thought that was the only way I could. (Obviously that didn't work...I thought boys were a little too cute. Phew! Just joking.) Anyway, as I watched the priests do mass, I always noticed that they raised their hands when they prayed. I wanted to do that, too. I wanted to express myself to God more than was the norm of stand up, sit down, kneel. I wanted to know God and talk to Him the way the priests seemed to.

So, back to Mother's Day, 1987, we went to a little non-denominational charismatic church that my mom heard about through a new friend at the time. We walked in and there was a full band and people dancing in the aisles. I hadn't seen anything like it except for at a U2 concert in 7th grade, but just a tad bit different scene...That day, my whole family dedicated our lives to the Lord and we never returned to the Catholic church. My grandmother told us we were going to hell for leaving the Catholic church, but later changed her tune when she fell in love with Christ in a more intimate way, realizing that it wasn't a church or hierarchy of church leaders that could facilitate such a relationship.

I know some holidays change dates every year, Mother's Day included, so I don't know the exact day of May it landed on that year. All I know is that 20 years ago, I found what it was I was desiring so badly. I wanted to know the God that the priests had spoken of each week. I wanted to commune with Him, not just go through motions of taking communion. I didn't want to have to 'get to God' through a pyramid of leaders. It didn't have to be that complicated. I wanted to sit at His feet and learn His character, just me and Him. I wanted to know why the heck He would die on a cross for me. I wanted the crucifix to be personal. I knew Jesus had saved me from the pit of hell. I knew He was my Savior. I just never knew He wanted to be my Lord and I never really knew that's what I desired so deeply until that one Mother's Day.

This year's Mother's Day I've been asked to share a bit of my journey of trust with Noah at our church. I am extremely humbled and honored at the same time that Noah's life and death have provided me such an awesome opportunity to share Christ's love on this, my 20th birthday. Thank you, son, for such a cool birthday gift! You're in my heart always, Handsome! I will always be proud to be your mama!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

The above pictures are of my maternal grandparents. They are in their early 90's. On a side note, they used to cut a rug like Astaire and Rogers...Dancing with the Stars had nothing on my grandparents! (AND, I wanted to add that Jason's maternal grandpa is in his early 80's and he rides his bike between 5-7 miles a day! So, if you came here seeking aerobic encouragement, it doesn't get any better than that...) So, ANYWAY, last night while I was trying to sleep, my brain decided otherwise and I laid in bed until at least 2:30 pondering life, praying for everything under the sun and trying to answer the random questions that kept popping into my head. SOOOO, here's the question I wondered about the most...How many of you still have your great grandparents around, AND, does anyone out there still have great-great grandparents living? I know it's pushing it, but I just have to know since I lost so much sleep over it last night! I suppose there has to be someone out there with great-greats...perhaps they were quite young when they started their families?

It's this kind of history that intrigues me. I love asking my grandparents questions about when they were kids or their early years of dating and marriage. I value people's stories and life experiences. When I ask my gramps questions about days gone by, I can see his eyes glimmer a little at the visions of memories running through his head. If, for some reason, Jesus doesn't return by the time I'm a gramma, I pray that my grandkids see that same glimmer in my eyes as I recall this wild adventure called life walking with Christ.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

I know I've posted this picture before, but it is a reminder for a call to prayer. Whether you know how to, Him who is the One listening, or whether you believe it works or not, there are a lot of people who need encouragement through prayer TODAY, right now, many of them YESTERDAY, and all of us TOMORROW! God knows our hearts before we approach Him humbly. There is no such thing as a secret. Your prayer does not need eloquence, nor need it be memorized or rehearsed. He's got a 1-800 line that never rings busy. And remember, when you're driving down the street and someones face pops into your head or their name in your mind, that's a call to pray. That's God talking, laying that person or situation on your heart. At that moment, pray. Face it, when you get home, busyness will set in and you'll forget. Here are some, but the list is endless...

The Coble family in California whose 3 children entered the kingdom of heaven last week...

Marriages of your friends and family, or your own, that God would bring healing and restoration, along with a newness grounded in Him alone...

Missionaries' wives around the world, but namely in Turkey who are facing today and the future without their husbands due to a horrendous torture and slaughter that occurred last week...

A family that lost their 34 year old daddy to a pulmonary embolism just last week...

Your neighbors, your in-laws, your parents, your siblings, your boss and co-workers, the guy that just cut you off on the highway...

Children around the world who are thrown into parental roles because theirs just died of: overdose, AIDS, a tragedy, natural disaster...

A teenager's family here in Denver that is grieving the suicide death of their son who just returned from a missions trip...

I know it all seems overwhelming and horrific! It is, especially when we try to comprehend the whole of it. I encourage all of us to lay it down at His feet, trusting in faith that His MUCH BIGGER PLAN is in His control. Then, after all of that is laid at the cross, I encourage you (and myself) to thank the Lord for all that is good, all of the blessings...the fact that you might have running water, electricity, food in the refrigerator, a roof over your head, your health today, oxygen to breathe...

I know it sounds cheesy, but I used to 'practice' my thankful ABC's every morning in the shower, along with putting on my armor (Ephesians 6). I would sometimes and still do (I say that because it was part of a discipline at the time, now it comes more naturally throughout the day...) go through the alphabet and thank God for something that started with that letter. Also, I would praise God, blessing His name with a letter in the alphabet. 'X' is a little hard, but this isn't legalism here, folks:) I'd usually call Him, "Excellent" when it came to that letter. It is more about where my heart lies, and if it's too focused on me, or the reality of the world around me, then my eyes aren't on Him, and then, yes, the world in which we live is too overwhelming to bear.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Anybody want to buy a cute house in Denver? Jason and I put the house on the market last Friday, but that meant tackling Noah's room in a whirlwind. I guess it was better to have a quick deadline for packing up his room otherwise we would have lingered (I would have...). It was crummy, but not the worst thing, obviously. His door had been shut for almost four months, his crib stacked high with boxes and the floor covered...We threw some things away, donated some, saved a lot of treasures and cleaned elephant sized dust bunnies out of the corners.

Now it's the cleanest house on earth! Just kidding! I know YOURS is cleaner, but there will always be someone else's that is... (I've removed the picture link for the MLS, but family, if you didn't get a chance to see them, email me and I'll shoot it to you...) The pictures are more for the shock factor for our family since when we are all together, there are so many suitcases in the house, it never looks this good:) The two pictures you see on the wall in the bottom picture were done by a local artist. I've asked her to do a few more incorporating the letters 'P', 'E', 'A', 'C', 'E', so we can put them altogether in the next house, if God sells ours. It's up to Him, and for that, we are grateful. If it sells, so be it. If it doesn't, He has something else in mind. Anyway, if you really are interested in buying, shoot me an email!

FYI: Em wants to make sure everyone knows that her bedroom isn't for sale. Just the paint...she wants to take her bed, furniture, toys and chandelier with her, in case ANYONE was wondering. She wanted me to make that very clear even though those other things are pictured:) Kids are cute, huh?!

The two pictures above are from the early morning hours of January 12th. We didn't want to sleep and miss out on our last hours with our little guy. Noah would sometimes make little lip quiver expressions, though not that frequently, so it's cool that the one above was caught on camera. I'm doing a photo project right now, so am going through all of Noah's pictures from pregnancy to January 12th. It's heartbreaking to see the the timeline of Noah's health decline...I miss him so much that I even had the CRAZY thought yesterday that I would have even loved to be pregnant with Noah the rest of my life, minus the cheeks and thighs, just to carry him with me in perfect health. Not quite sure what my answer might have been when people asked, "When are you due?" but even so, he'd be with me...There are so many birth defects and diseases that don't manifest until outside the womb. My friend's baby lived beautifully in her womb without a brain but not in this world...she just wasn't meant for here, just like Noah, just like so many other babies and children that make brief appearances.

Anyway, last night our church had a worship and prayer service at the west campus where we had Noah's service on January 15th. It was our first time back to that building since the service because that following weekend we started attending the second church site downtown. As I knelt there praying, floods of memories started rushing through my mind. I saw myself pregnant there, I pictured Noah nursing in one of the pastor's offices, holding him in his carseat in the foyer...He and I never made it into the service that day because he took so long to eat...The last time we were out there we were surrounded by a lot of people who love us and who adored Noah. It was bitter cold, but thankfully not too cold for the beautiful dove release. Anyway, last night one of the pastors prayed for us and encouraged our hearts. It had been a hard day for me and for Jason emotionally. Sometimes the tears are like a misty Seattle day and others like a Gulf Coast hurricane!

Well, I have to go tidy up because we put our house on the market Friday and have already shown it twice. It's hard having to 'get lost' but it's in God's control. Obviously it's up to Him if and/or when/where we move, so we just do one day at a time...We just want to be where He wants us and when.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

I feel compelled to share...

God reminded me of a 'scene' from my life when I was 16, living in Grand Rapids, Michigan. At the time I did not learn the lesson. It wasn't until years later, in my later years of college and from then on, that I truly started walking in what God showed me that day...

You see, I used to be extremely insecure. It was mainly about my weight and body image, and anything that had to do with speaking in public. I thought I looked like the whale above though I was a pretty active person playing basketball in high school and swimming competitively for 12 years. I constantly compared myself to other people, worried about how I looked and was pretty much on some sort of diet or eating obsession from 5th grade until I was 20. I seriously thought people were staring at me in public. I even had an intense fear/insecurity of speaking in public which God delivered me from my freshman year in college. So, anyway, here's the 'scene'...

I was a sophomore in high school. I had to go to the mall to get something, what, I have no recollection. I went with my mom but the plan was to split up and meet after we were done with our own errands. She headed off and I started walking toward the store, needing to cross through the center of the mall where there were planters and many people sitting, waiting, and others on their way to their destinations. All of a sudden, I was paralyzed with such deep insecurity that I thought everyone was staring at me. I could not move and I never did run whatever errand it was I had set out to accomplish. I sat down and waited for my mom, trying to look like I meant to sit down. I remember not being able to breathe very well and wanting to cry but then everyone really would have been staring at me. I don't think I ever told my mom...

It wasn't until later that God showed me how my insecurity and low self-esteem was actually chronic self-absorption. I was totally selfish and self-centered. I was thinking so much about not wanting others to think about me, that I was spending all of my time thinking about ME. I was so concerned about what others thought, that I hadn't left room in my life to know what God thought about me. I actually cared more about others opinions of me or the opinions of the world in general, that my worth was measured by the created and not the Creator. No one was staring at me. No one cared what I looked like...

Each time I had to step out of my comfort zone and walk into a normally insecure situation, I gained more and more confidence in the freedom of knowing who I was in Christ. My speech class my freshman year was pivotal in this. I used to dread speaking in front of anyone. My knees used to knock and my lips would start quivering awkwardly. That day my speech was being video-taped and 30 seconds after I began, I stopped, froze and started crying. I asked the prof if I could start over. She politely said no, that I was doing great, and to proceed. I couldn't believe it! I could not believe she wouldn't let me start over! A friend was sitting in the front row and the look on her face shouted, 'Oh, you poor thing! I feel so sorry for you!' So, I did the speech, and as I began to speak, I gained more confidence. Later that week when I received an 'A', I could not believe my eyes!

Anyway, this is getting exceptionally long, but God brought it to my heart the other day. Perhaps it was to encourage my spirit from where I once was to where I live freely today. My name, 'Adrienne', means 'Confident, Bold, Rich'. A girl asked my friend the other day if I was always so bold in my walk with God. My friend answered that I definitely am more so than I was before Noah came into my life, and she's only known me for 4 years. She asked if I ever felt funny being so bold about talking to people. I'll tell you all, the more I'm vulnerable and real, the more I do what the Holy Spirit tells me to do (that's that deep gut feeling you get sometimes), it's not that it becomes 'easier' necessarily, it's that it feels right. A sense of peace, even if it's weird...

Honestly, what do I have to lose? People may be looking at me, but it's not about me...that's the freedom. I hope this encourages some of you or someone you know to break out of your shells of insecurity and walk in freedom. I pray that you will also walk with confidence in the name God has given you, which is 'child, beautiful, and beloved.'

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

First things first...Nick is doing so much better! He's out of the ICU and has been able to have visitors, though his daughters want to see him so badly and haven't been able to due to fevers and sniffles...another thing we can add to the prayer list. The docs are still waiting for lab results, but the important thing to note is that Nick is miraculously here today and that is undeniable. Thank you, Lord!

We had a great time in Florida! It was a humbling experience to be blessed by so many different people who generously gave of their resources so that we could take a trip as a family. Our church linked with friends in Celebration (Orlando) at Celebrate Church, along with people within the Celebration community, and, in a nutshell, knocked our socks off! We spent a few days at a gorgeous resort near Celebration, went to Mickey's house, saw Shamu, ate in downtown Celebration every night, saw fireworks, and hung out at the pool each day. Jason made me go get a facial and a massage, so, as hard as it is to talk with stuff on your face and lips, by golly, I shared Noah's story and the love of Jesus with those two ladies! We even got to go backstage of the dolphin show and see the animals up close and personal! Definitely a highlight memory!

So many English were on holiday everywhere we went. I met a woman named Joyce from Chester at the pool one day. She was on holiday with her daughter and her family for 5 or 6 weeks. They had been all over Florida. I shared with her why and how we were enjoying such a special trip. She said we have something in common...She lost her first child to miscarriage. Her daughter is married and has two children. Her son, John, died 13 years ago from cancer. He was 26 years old and had just been married one year. She assured me that she will never forget, and neither will we...she shared that some people avoid speaking to her altogether. Others literally cross the street when they see her coming, to act as if they did not see her, rather than saying anything. So odd...13 years later. Her friends still speak of John, obviously not all the time, but I could tell it meant a lot to her to even share his life with me, a complete stranger. It was interesting to have a glimpse of someone else's life years down the hard road. I encouraged her of the hope we have in Christ and the peace of heaven. I can honestly say that was the first time I hugged a stranger in my bathing suit! Jason made me go get a facial and a massage the last day at Reunion, so, as hard as it is to talk with stuff on your face and lips, by golly, I shared Noah's story and the love of Jesus with those two ladies! (And they thought I was their captive audience...I was on vacation, but not from sharing a message of hope and peace!)

We then headed out to St. Petersburg for the final days of our trip to a great condo another family offered us. The beach was crushed shells out front of the hotel. It was beautiful and warm and very soothing watching and hearing the waves hit the shore. We spelunked for shells everyday, gathering a collection of our favorites which we brought home and have sorted a few times. Emily claims we can hear the ocean in every single one!

The last day we drove out to a state park to comb the beach before dinner...what is it about sand that beckons every person, I would venture to guess, to draw a picture or write someones name? We all know it is going to eventually wash away, yet we still do it. It's like natural graffiti. I wrote Noah's name because I was thinking of him every minute of everyday...we were on a vacation because of him...That night Jason tucked Em in while I started packing all of the generous gifts we had been given into our suitcases. We don't have cable, so when we go on trips we flip through the channels, usually getting sucked into some cake decorating contest on the Food Network, a remodel show on HGTV, or some medical mystery on TLC. Well, as I packed, I watched a medical mystery show and lost it when one story was about a baby boy whose prognosis was bleak. I was so sad those parents and older siblings endured all they did, but was encouraged that all of them said their lives were richer because of it. Their little guy is still with them for only God knows how long, but it was cool to see them making the most of everyday instead of living too far into the future...

Anyway, Jason, Em and I are so grateful to have had a week in Florida courtesy of so many generous people. Thank yous are on the way, but we enjoyed each other and being able to meet some of you. We pray that you and yours would be blessed for how you have blessed our lives and hearts. What a memory to treasure...a trip because of Noah! Thank you!

Above are some faces you can put to your prayers...Yesterday, God led Nick to the right place at the right time! The doctors have all admitted that collapsing in the hallway of the ER was the best place for him to be...He is stable, in the ICU, intubated and sedated. Their family has come into town to help support them. Please pray for wisdom for the doctors of what tests to run as they have no idea what caused a very healthy 37 year guy to have so much water around his heart.

I'll keep you posted and look forward to sharing about our time in Florida. Thank you all for your prayers for our friends and for the other people in your own lives that God has put on your hearts.

About Me

Not a lot...and probably too much. I'm simple and complicated. I'm completely random and totally calculated. I'm a talker and a listener, an idealist, a realist and a dreamer. I am a living oxymoron. I love God more than I can put into words and am thankful that I don't have to try to live this life out on Earth without Him. My husband and kids are my most favorite! My family and friends are true gifts from God. I'm finally 40-ish and I think it's fabulous! Pain and suffering are two things I have embraced because in walking through them, I am learning to live life to the fullest. One. Day. At. A. Time.