Once upon a time there was an Irishman an Englishman and an Australian who decided to have a competition.

While on the top of a hill, each man had to throw his watch in the air, run down the hill and catch it before it hit the ground.

So the Irishman threw his watch in the air, ran down the hill and splat!... the watch hit the ground. Then the Englishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and splat!... the watch hit the ground. Next the Australian threw his watch in the air, ran down the hill, went to the pub and had a beer, went and did his grocery shopping, came back and caught his watch.

What would you have if everyone bought a white car. A white carnation.

One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. If you do not believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

Me: What did Tarzan say when he saw an elephant coming down the hill?You: I don't know.Me: He said, "hey, there's an elephant coming down the hill." Now, what did he say when he saw an elephant coming down the hill and wearing sunglasses?You: "Hey, there's an elephant coming down the hill and wearing sunglasses."Me: No, silly. He didn't recognize it.

* * *

Q. How do you pass an elephant under a door?A. Put it in an envelope.

Q. What if it won't pass?A. Take away the stamp.

* * *

Me: Have you ever seen an elephant hide behind a sunflower?You: No.Me: See, how good they are at hiding?

there was a mexican merchant who soLd cheese at the farmer's market. one day he got up as usuaL and began setting up shop. he roLLed a Large baLL of cheese from his home to his stand and returned home for the next baLL of cheese. a thief came aLong and ran off his baLL of cheese. the merchant ran after him shouting, "stop! that's nacho cheese! that's nacho cheese!" (not your cheese)

Disclaimer: I'm of Portuguese Ancestry, so virtually all the jokes I learned I first learned in Portuguese, and almost all of them dealt with dumb people who were also Portuguese (or Portuguese people who were also dumb, take your pick). At any rate this one is more of a linguistic joke.

Manny Souza arrives from the old country on a steamship in 1913 to work in the textile mills of New Bedford. He speaks no English, and some partally bilingual folks on the ship teach him how to order breakfast once he gets to America. They teach him to say "Oatmeal".

Fast forward five years.

Manny works at the Berkshire Hathaway mill running a loom, lives in "Little Faial" off County Street, and still speaks no English other than "Oatmeal". Every Sunday morning, after taking the bus to Church, he stops in at the Brooklawn Diner for a late breakfast, and every week he orders the same thing, the only thing he can speak in English. "Oatmeal".

While waiting for the bus after Church one Sunday a new family of communicants asks if there is anyplace around to get a bite to eat. Manny explains that he always goes to Brooklawn Diner. When they family asks if the food is any good, Manny explains that he doesn't really know because all he's ever ordered is "Oatmeal" because that's all he can say in English.

Well, the eldest daughter of this family is bilingual and, taking pity on Manny, teaches him to say "Baconaneggs" so he can have something different than Oatmeal for Sunday breakfast.

Manny is so happy he can barely sit still during the bus ride to the Brooklawn Diner. Once inside, Mabel, the waitress who's been a fixture of the place for at least twenty years, welcomes her regular Sunday morning customer. "Morning Manny," she says, "oatmeal today?"

Manny waves his hand, "Baconaneggs" he pronouces proudly.

"Something new today Manny? Great. How do you want the eggs, sunny side up, down, scrambled, over light, poached, soft or hard boiled?"

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