Pros / Quaker State’s new product provides excellent protection against the formation of sludge, plaque, and other harmful deposits, improving viscosity in all weather conditions.

Cons / Similar packaging makes for easy confusion with motor oil.

The One Liner / Quaker State succeeds at improving cardiac output and blood flow in humans.

Sure, Quaker State is an American brand of motor oil, but they are turning to the kitchen for their next conquest.

“We felt we could create an even better type of cooking oil than what was available out there,” said company spokesperson William Penn, frying fish sticks in his Quaker State Ultimate Durability Full Synthetic Canola Oil. “It doesn’t taste greasy, plus more power and more engine life.”

Penn wouldn’t divulge the details of Quaker State’s “secret formulation” but insists that no aspirin products, statins, or antithrombotics are used. He didn’t want to boast but says “our canola will could never replace blood, but it comes pretty darn close.” To that point, Penn carefully explains that consumers should not drain their own body of blood and simply “top off” on Quaker State canola oil.

When Gomerblog used their canola oil in the kitchen, we nearly burned the place down. Unfortunately, the packaging for Quaker State products are so similar we nearly fried our chicken in synthetic motor oil. READ THE LABEL TWICE. When we did fry the chicken in the canola oil, we were able to appreciate immediate improvement in our own blood viscosity, even when we subjected ourselves to near freezing temperatures in the nude. Our hearts, arteries, and veins actually did feel cleaner.

In sum, consider giving Quaker State’s new canola oil a go. It will never supplant medications or regular check-ups with your doctor, but hey, what’s the worst thing that can happen? Oh yeah, the motor oil mix up thing. That could be lethal.

Quaker State Ultimate Durability Full Synthetic Canola Oil can be found in the cooking aisle of most grocery stores, Pep Boys. Starting price per 5-quart bottle is $20.99.