About Me

Sunday, November 29, 2009

This holiday season the Zombie Farm presents: ZOMBIE OUTBREAK IN CHRISTMAS LAND

It was a typical evening in the North Pole. Toys were beig made in the tiny little elf sweat shop, reindeer were learning their flight patterns and picking on the reindeer academy rejects. Mr and Mrs Claus were in their cozy little cottage looking over the naughty and nice list. Naughty list is much longer this year by the way.

Mr Claus being the beer belly guy he is (bet you thought that belly was from cookies huh?) got the craving for a little draft beer. While Mrs. Claus was in the kitchen cooking up some cookies, he headed down to The Holly Jolly Candy Cane for some beer and little elf action. Upon arrival he was attacked by his cousin the dreaded Zombie Claus and the elves that had already succumbed to the zombie virus. With Santa out of the way, Zombie Claus and the elves made their way through all of Christmas land.

Elf Ms. L Toe and her hubby had just finished up their shift in the toy factory and were dressed for bed when they were attacked. Mrs. Claus has just taken a fresh batch of cookies out of the oven. When she saw the crazy eyed elf standing in her kitchen she just assumed he was there craving some cookies so she handed one. She lost her hand and was infected.

The reindeer who were training were attacked and infected. The reindeer academy rejects escaped and now roam the wilds of the North Pole safe from the infection that is spreading over the world leaving the undead to enjoy this holiday season.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Based on 'She Talks to Angels' by the Black Crowes. Which is an awesome group by the way.I have loved this song since my teen days than after i lost my son it really touched me in a different way.

But here is D'Mourning and my take on the song.

To me the character in the song is a young woman who has lost someone she loves dearly. Though she is young she has begun to live her life like an elderly woman in mourning. Death is what she is living for. Death is what she craves, she is mourning herself to death. Death brings a smile to her because she knows that death will bring her to her departed loved one.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Twas the night before Halloween & while in their graveThe zombie’s were dreaming of brains they craveUp from the earth the zombies they dugUp through the dirt and up past the bugsOut of the ground the zombies poured outThey brushed off the dirt and began stumbling aboutLooking for victims they began to prowlTalking to each other with a moan or a growl

They traveled not far, just up the streetThey spotted a crowd, oh good fresh meat

The crowd panicked, they started to runChaos ensued, Zombies had much funZombies were shot and people got bit,Once they started munching the zombies wouldn't quit

Things got bad, things got mean,Things looked hopeless till in stepped the zombie queenShe tried to undo the damage, she did her bestShe saved some people and buried the rest

The zombies she sent them back to their burial plots,Making them lay in their graves while their flesh rots

Hey fellow Zombie owners I need your help. It seems last night some teenagers pranked the Zombie Farm. Did they roll the place? Egg it? No they let loose the defected Zombies that I had yet to return to their graves.

These Zombies are more violent than your average Zombie. It seems that some people on my staff thought it would be funny to raise a few ex-convicts. In case you aren't aware: if a person was evil in life they don't change much when you raise them back up. Except they are a lot harder to get rid of.

Well now they are all on the loose, all except Zombie Joe. He was a stalker in life and now in death he has decided to stalk yours truly, the Zombie Queen. Can't get rid of the cute but irritating undead stalker. (Don't know if he's stalking me it’s because he is attracted to big women or he wants a big meal.)

So please if you see an escaped Zombie, please call ASAP!!! Do not approach them. As to the teens fate for letting them loose. Let's just say the Zombie Queen has cursed them well.Thanks all, The Zombie Queen

To MyHubbyLeftMe4aSlut, I'm sorry but if you kill them I cannot bring them back and let you kill them again. I’m not saying it's wrong, it just I really don't have the time right now.

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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I feel the need to share this with my fellow Zombie owners. Maybe it will keep you from making the same mistake.

DO NOT I repeat DO NOT take your Zombie to a haunted house this weekend. My Zombies begged and pleaded and I finally gave in. So here we go, I pile all of them into my blazer. That was mistake number one: several Zombies in a small enclosed area doea not exactly smell like a garden in springtime. So were waiting in line minding our own business when some smart mouth punk says to Zombie Bob, "hey are you dead or are you that ugly all the time?" Zombie Bob does not do well around people and he tends to over react. So an hour later I'm at the jail bailing out Zombie Bob. I had to pay the teenagers parents a crap load of money. It seems taking a chunk out of the arm of someones smart ass teenager tends to upset the parents.

And my Zombies never even got to go through the haunted house. I ended up renting practically every Zombie movie ever made. We had a all night Zombiethon. Which sounded like a good idea at the time but i regret it now. Now my Zombies get a kick out of going up to visitors to the farm moaning, Brains we want brains. Really not a good selling point. Walking dead jerks have cost me a crap load of money.

Now Zombie Bill wants to go trick or treating. Not happening. One he's too damn old and second he's too damn dead. (One day I will share the story of how Zombie Bill came to be).Dayna: Sorry you lost your Zombie. Maybe i'll send you a female next time. They don't wonder off as much as the males. (They even pick up after theirselves unlike the males).

A little note to MyZombieAteMyHomework: It's never a good idea to take your Zombie to show and tell. It always ends bad. I can't even count how many best friends i lost to my first Zombie.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Todays topic is Zombies and Halloween or more importantly what to do if your Zombie munches on a trick or treater.

We recommend you post a sign such as 'Beware of Zombie' or 'Kids make tasty treats, go away'. If the signs to not deter the little munckins and they make their merry little way to your door please make haste and put the Zombie away. If you fail to get the Zombie put away and he/she/it beats you to the door yell 'STOP' to the Zombie and then yell 'Run like hell' to the kiddies.

Usually it's only the slowest one that gets munched. But usually Zombies just take one bite out of kids then spit it out. For some reasons Zombies can stand the taste of young flesh. I think it's because most kids are rotten.

If parent of munched munkin gets upset please be sure to point out your 'Beware of Zombie' signs then inquire about the kids rabies shots, you don't want your Zombie catching something from the little tykes.

Now with my personal Zombie i have no worries he has been trained to behave around young ones. Actually he loves to play with the kids. BUT REMEMBER MY ZOMBIE IS NOT LIKE YOUR ZOMBIE!! I'm experienced in this Zombie stuff and know how to control mine. After all I am the expert. They don't call me Zombie Queen for nothing. Now if they called me Zombie McMeal then things would be totally different.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

My Zombie loves to play Rot Tag, it's like freeze tag but instead of standing frozen when you are tagged you rot. Hey i know it sounds crazy but you know how those Zombies are.Zombies also love to go to graveyards and play guess my grave or bury the Zombie Queen. I'm not fond of that game but the Zombies get a kick out of it.

We here at the Zombie Farm would like to know the games you play with your Zombie. Or if you have a funny Zombie story please share it with us.

** Women: If you believe that the only good man is a dead man.Then you're in luck!!!!!We are having a sale on our male Zombies this month.Order early!!! The 'large' ones go quick!!!

PS: to AhoyMatey i'm happy that dressing your Zombie as a pirate and playing 'walk my plank' makes you happy but please no more photos of it.

To Hopelessly Devoted 2 U: Congrats on your recent wedding to your Zombie. But i'm sad to say that i looked into your question: but you cannot claim death benefits on your Zombie Husband since he was dead before you married. Sorry but good try.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Due to events of this weekend some of our staff....became Zombie snacks.

Do i feel guilty about my staff getting munched you ask.

Heck no, they received top of the line training. Besides it doesn't take a genius to know that if a Zombie is coming toward you licking their lips you need to get the hell out of their way! Push the employee next to you in their path. Duh.

Don't worry Zombie customers prices will not go up. I know you're thinking 'oh my imagine the cost of all those funerals'. No need to fear, there wasn't enough left of them for funerals. If there was it still wouldn't effect cost. If i had to bury the staff i'd just raise them back up and put there little butts back to work! I'm an egual opportunity Zombie maker!

If you are interested in a position here at the Zombie Farm please apply. It helps if you have a strong stomach (in case you witness another employee become snack food) and sinus issues (helps block out the smell of rotting flesh). But you must be able to show the Zombies compassion even when they are taking chunks out of your arm or other body part. I just can't have rude little Zombie raisers mouthing off to my Zombies! Really if you were hungry and just wanted a little nibble and someone got pissed at you for taking a little bite of them, imagine how you would feel.

If interested please reply!!!! It's so very hard trying to raise Zombies while taking care of the others. Plus having to go find victims...oops i mean food for the Zombies.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Hello everyone welcome to the Zombie Farm where we raise much more then hell.

There is an important Zombie recall. But let me address another issue first.

What you do with your Zombie behind closed doors is your business. Please do not send photos. There are some things I just don't want to see. That also refers to video.(If you send photos after this little announcement you will be responsible for my therapy bills. So if you destroy my mind I destroy your bank account!)

Okay let's get to that recall. Zombies that were raised April of this year seem to have a little defect. It was training month at the farm and it seems one of our new raisers put a wrong ingredient in the zombie raising powder. I'm not going to go into details about what was put in. Just know the result was a batch of Zombies that will suddenly burst out into song. Not just any songs either they seem to enjoy anything by Poison. I'm not knocking the Zombies choice in music I happen to like a little Poison every now and then myself. It's just when a Zombie that has partially decayed vocal cords burst out singing "Talk Dirty To Me", or "I Want Action Tonight" ugh, it's just creepy.

So send the Zombies back for a refund or exchange. Unless of course you like your Zombie bursting into your bedroom late at night jumping into the bed with you while belting out, "I Want Action Tonight." If that makes you happy then of course by all means keep your Zombie, you obviously deserve each other. (Note: If you keep your Zombie please refer to the photo/video issue above. Seriously I don't want to see them.)

3. If your Zombie develops bad habits: look at the example you are setting, that is probably the problem!

4. A bored Zombie will run amuck causing havoc in the neighborhood. Give your Zombie plenty of toys. Chew toys make good Zombie toys. (keep brooms out of their reach. A zombie chewed on mine and the damn thing has not flown right since)

5. If your Zombie is upset. Music helps to calm them. A little Rob Zombie is always good. Never ever, can't stress this enough, play The Monster Mash. Zombies hate it and will react violently. This tip from Bub McStub.

Just to let everyone know: We at the Zombie Farm do not raise underage Zombies. To the person who sent that request: Bad Senator! Bad! Bad!

Customers and future customers please see yesterdays blog for important Zombie info.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

It's been a wild night here at the Zombie Farm. Several zombies escaped from the corral. Crazy zombies running amuck causing all kinds of havoc. Why are there zombies corralled at the Zombie Farm you ask. Because those crazy customers who return their zombies because they claim, "oh we didn't know they were flesh eating zombies."

Come on people i can't stress this enough. RESEARCH RESEARCH RESEARCH before making a purchase. Owning a zombie is a major commitment. If you aren't willing to 'aquire' a few victims to feed your zombie every month then don't purchase one of our zombies.

Really there is no sadder sight then seeing the hurt and rejection in a zombie's eyes when they are shipped back to us. Please remember Zombies need love too. Even the flesh eating ones! The poor zombies have to be tucked back in their dirt beds but before that they have to be killed. Yet again.

So please people Research Research Research!

Special for October: Buy one zombie raising and get a curse for free!!