Wednesday, three gunmen killed twelve people at the offices of Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical magazine. The attacks are believed to be in retaliation for cartoons Charlie Hebdo has printed, both recently and in the past, that often mock radical Islam and Muhammad.

In countries all over the world, candles were lit, signs with the words “Je Suis Charlie” were held, heads were bowed. To think that simply drawing a cartoon can get someone killed is sobering, to say the least. There was anger: President Obama denounced the terror attack, as did leaders from many countries.

On Thursday morning, Pope Francis offered prayers for the victims of the Charlie Hebdo attack in Paris. From Vatican Radio:

Pope Francis offered prayers on Thursday morning, especially for the victims of the deadly terror attack on the Charlie Hebdo satirical review in Paris on Wednesday. Speaking during daily Mass in the chapel of the Santa Marta residence in the Vatican, the Holy Father said, “[Wednesday’s] terror attack in Paris brings to mind so much cruelty – human cruelty – so much terrorism, both isolated [incidents of] terrorism and of state terrorism,” adding, “of how much cruelty is man capable!” Pope Francis went on to say, “We pray, in this Mass, for the victims of this cruelty – so many of them – and we pray also for the perpetrators of such cruelty, that the Lord might change their heart.”

NBC aggregated this story, and shared it on their Facebook page. What most of the comments took issue with was not Pope Francis praying for the victims, it was that last part. The part where he prays for the “perpetrators of such cruelty.” You know, the bad guys. Because White Ammosexual Jesus wouldn’t do that. White Ammosexual Jesus would storm into French mosques, shooting brown-skinned people indiscriminately, while shouting “God is good!” Which would make White Ammosexual Jesus exactly like the assholes who just murdered twelve people.

Remember when Pope John Paul II visited the man who tried to kill him? Mehmet Ali Agca was a member of the Grey Wolves, a far-right, neo-fascist organization, and in 1981, he attempted to assassinate Pope John Paul II. The pope was critically injured, and Catholics all over the world were shocked by this tragic event. Two years after the shooting, Pope John Paul II visited Agca in prison, spoke with him, and forgave him. He forgave the man who tried to murder him.

Forgiveness and kindness are hallmarks of the teachings of Actual Jesus. The homeless, Jewish carpenter, who hung out with hookers, poor people, tax collectors (worse than hookers, at least back then, and possibly still), lepers, the dregs of society. If Actual Jesus were around today, odds are he’d pray for the victims and the gunmen, too. Odds are, he’d flip over a few megachurches on his way to comfort the dregs of society, all the while, shaking his head at the folks who would ignore the least of us. Odds are, Actual Jesus would get arrested while feeding the homeless.

But conservative Christians don’t worship Actual Jesus. Which explains why the news that Pope Francis was praying for not just the victims of the Charlie Hebdo shooting, but the men who did the shooting, was met with things like this:

The Muslims worship a false god and allah is a sham. It is not the same God as Yeshua. They worship demons and practice many sinful and wrong things. Are we really surprised they did this? They freaking behead people murder jews and beat their women

Pray they capture them alive and remove each of their digits one by one, then their eyes, then their limbs and televise the whole thing screams and all. Torture them extremely as a deterrent. That is my prayer.

Easier to blow their brains out then we can all be judged when we get to heaven.

So the Pope is praying for the gunmen. Why should this surprise us? The Church has been tolerating pedophiles for quite some time; why not terrorists, too?

I am not scared! I’m an american- well armed & trained to take out the trash of this world! Carry 24/7 !

This guy is an ANTI-POPE. He is an imposter! There can only be one pope alive at once. He is a fraud.

Aw, Pope, you were doing well there for a while.

Struggling to comprehend that the Pope wants to be compassionate to those monsterous barbarians.

Actual Jesus (I’m going to trademark that) told us to forgive. A lot. Actual Jesus told us to turn the other cheek. Did Pope Francis welcome the two gunmen still at large into the Vatican, serve them dinner, and offer them sanctuary? Nope, but reading what so many conservative Christians are writing on the internet, you’d think he had. All the pope did was pray that “the Lord might change their heart.” Perhaps if a little light shined into the dark holes that live where their hearts should be, the two gunmen who robbed a service station Thursday morning after killing twelve people because of CARTOONS might turn themselves in.

We’re not all like this, we Christians. We’re not all hate-filled twits, who would hang Actual Jesus on a tree if he came back down here. Can you imagine Actual Jesus popping up in the Bible Belt? “Blessed are the peacemakers…” He’d never get any farther than that. Think of what would happen if Open Carry Texas met Actual Jesus. Men who threaten moms with rape and murder, confronted by the Prince of Peace. Whoo, doggy, that would be interesting to watch. Of course, since Actual Jesus only used a whip that one time, my guess is, OCT would shoot him.

Conservative Christians are having some real problems with this. Claiming to follow Actual Jesus is hard when everything you say, write, and believe, points to a rather strong belief in White Ammosexual Jesus. Who doesn’t exist. See, that’s the real issue. This violent, Caucasian, blonde, blue-eyed, Aryan Christ is a figment of their rather twisted imaginations. Actual Jesus did not look like Anders Breivik. Actual Jesus would not have done what Breivik did, nor would he believe what Breivik believes.

Pope Francis has the right idea. Followers of White Ammosexual Jesus do not. Actual Jesus told us to love one another as he has loved us. What an amazing world it could be if that was our mantra-love one another. You don’t even have to put Jesus into the mix, if you don’t want to. Love one another. Be kind, be gentle. Embrace peace.

I reread that last part and laughed. A war-like race of mammals, who are almost constantly fighting with someone about something. Yeah, never mind.

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.