Eric Hinske is Batting 1.000 and Other Signs that It’s Opening Day at Fenway

Now this was a game that had it all. Josh Beckett taking off the glasses and going all Superman on the Seattle Mariners. A “welcome to Boston” home run from J.D. Drew (still not as grand as Manny’s three run dinger on his first pitch at Fenway, but appreciated nonetheless). Three hits from Jason Varitek — yes, that Jason Varitek! Leadoff guy Julio Lugo truly looking like a leadoff guy. A 3-for-5 showing from Youk who continues to look as giddy as a homeless person on free hula hoop night. Eric Hinske now batting 1.000, thank you very much! Robert Goulet caught feeling up Kelly the Ball Girl on camera. Harry Connick Jr.’s wife, the adorable Jill Goodacre, asking the NESN cameramen if “Red from that Surviving Grady website” was around. There was even a near brawl — or “shenaningans” in MLB parlance — for the love of god.

Personally, my favorite bit was that cool-ass “secret handshake” that Papi and Daisuke executed during the team introductions. Did you see it? That was the Official Handshake of Guys Who Are Making Sh-t Happen. And I’ve got a feeling we’ll be seeing a lot of it throughout the season.

And now, after that badass, bombastic performance, we get to do it all again tonight, but even bigger. Because Matsuzaka’s pitching his first game at Fenway Park, meaning everyone from Crossroads Pub at Mass Ave and Beacon to the Cafe De Flore in Fukuoka City to freakin’ Monster Island will be watching (except for Mothra, who is clearly a Yanks fan).

Simply put: If you picked this week to give up smoking, drinking, cursing, dancing, smashing your fist through glass, giving your 8×10 glossy photo of George Steinbrenner the finger, mailing bodily fluids to Hazel Mae, knitting yourself a life-sized Julian Tavarez, growing an Eck ‘stache, or feeling up college girls, you picked the wrong week.