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Jokkyp

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My boyfriend passed away 3 weeks september the 6th 2017 after a cardiac arrest at the gym.. I was away in Tenerife when this happened and also we work together which makes it difficult to go back to work.. I am still in a state of shock and hurt, the pain in my heart is unbearable.. I also lost a close friend to Cancer on Feb 6th 2017, not even recovered from that and then this happened.

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I am so sorry for your loss and know the pain you are experiencing. Like you, I was and, in a way still am, shocked with the loss of my Charles. You see, nothing prepared me to live the rest of my life without him. Then that day arrived and it was so damn hard but the next day was even harder. I knew then with a sinking, sick feeling that it was only going to get worse and I wasn't going to be OK for a very long time. All I wanted to do was cry and scream and let it all out because it was killing me inside. I love and miss him everyday, but I am thankful for the 45 years I got to have with him. Pain still always exist because I lost him, but so too does the joy that came from knowing him. I was unlucky to have had to say goodbye, but I'm luckier because I had someone who made saying goodbye to so difficult. The worst thing about losing him was that he took my heart with him, and when I think about it, that's OK because that is where it belongs - with him. I don't think we were meant to stay wounded. We're suppose to move through our tragedies and challenges and to help others move through the most painful episodes of their lives.

12 hours ago, Jokkyp said:

My world is shattered, nothing makes sense anymore.

I feel you. I can remember my heart got tangled the moment I saw him; my mind was a mess the moment his hands touch mine; my lungs lost its breath the moment he kissed me; my heart skipped a beat the moment he told me he loved me and my world was shattered the moment he took his last breath. But my belief in faith and God tells me that I know I will see him again and that keeps me going. My prayer is that God gives you the strength to endure this most difficult time of your life. May your mind receive the Peace to know that your loved one spirit is in the hands of the Most High - what better place would you want? At the end of the day, all we need is Hope and Strength; Hope that it will get better and Strength to hold on until it does. I do hope you continue to post. We're all family here trying to help one another along with horrible journey.

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I am so sorry. It does complicate things when you worked together, I have a friend who went through that. Just him not stopping by her desk anymore felt like a trigger.

We will be here to go through this with you. Everyone's relationship is unique and so is their grief journey, but we all have some similarities and can relate to each other too. You've found a good caring place, a grief family.

You ask how you get through this...I've compiled a list of what I've learned on my 12 year grief journey, things I wish someone would have let me know in the beginning as I didn't have a clue where to start. Some of it may feel applicable, some may not, some for now, some for later, but I do hope you'll consider these things as to whether or not they'll be of help to you in your journey.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.

Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually.

Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.

Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time.

Try not to isolate too much.

There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me!

Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever.

Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]

In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it".

Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.

Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay.

Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.

Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.

Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together.

Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.

Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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Jokkyp, i am deeply sorry for your loss. Sudden cardiac arrest-----that is how my husband passed last year. He had health conditions, but we were staying on top of everything. He had 3 doctors, 2 of them specialists and we saw each one on a regular basis.. Every other week lab work to keep everything monitored. Medications/dosages monitored. I didn't think something was going to happen for many years yet Sudden death, in whatever manner, has its own shock value. I was in shock for a long time, then comes the denial. I am sorry for what you are going through.

We not only lose that special person, we lose that life we shared, we lose ourselves. Everything we held dear in this life is shattered. And it is the hardest thing to do in picking up what pieces we can and trying to put some kind of a life back together for ourselves.

The previous posters who replied to you are wonderful, caring people. So I won't repeat their words. The best advice you will see here, is to take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. It has been a little over 13 months for me and I still take it day by day. I will most likely do it this way the rest of my life.

Keep coming here, whether just to read posts or to express your thoughts and feelings. There is no judging. criticizing. The emotions that come with grieving are many and complex. We are here for each other. Sending you prayers for comfort and eventual peace----

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I am so sorry for your loss and know the pain you are experiencing. Like you, I was and, in a way still am, shocked with the loss of my Charles. You see, nothing prepared me to live the rest of my life without him. Then that day arrived and it was so damn hard but the next day was even harder. I knew then with a sinking, sick feeling that it was only going to get worse and I wasn't going to be OK for a very long time. All I wanted to do was cry and scream and let it all out because it was killing me inside. I love and miss him everyday, but I am thankful for the 45 years I got to have with him. Pain still always exist because I lost him, but so too does the joy that came from knowing him. I was unlucky to have had to say goodbye, but I'm luckier because I had someone who made saying goodbye to so difficult. The worst thing about losing him was that he took my heart with him, and when I think about it, that's OK because that is where it belongs - with him. I don't think we were meant to stay wounded. We're suppose to move through our tragedies and challenges and to help others move through the most painful episodes of their lives.

I feel you. I can remember my heart got tangled the moment I saw him; my mind was a mess the moment his hands touch mine; my lungs lost its breath the moment he kissed me; my heart skipped a beat the moment he told me he loved me and my world was shattered the moment he took his last breath. But my belief in faith and God tells me that I know I will see him again and that keeps me going. My prayer is that God gives you the strength to endure this most difficult time of your life. May your mind receive the Peace to know that your loved one spirit is in the hands of the Most High - what better place would you want? At the end of the day, all we need is Hope and Strength; Hope that it will get better and Strength to hold on until it does. I do hope you continue to post. We're all family here trying to help one another along with horrible journey.

Share this post

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I am so sorry. It does complicate things when you worked together, I have a friend who went through that. Just him not stopping by her desk anymore felt like a trigger.

We will be here to go through this with you. Everyone's relationship is unique and so is their grief journey, but we all have some similarities and can relate to each other too. You've found a good caring place, a grief family.

You ask how you get through this...I've compiled a list of what I've learned on my 12 year grief journey, things I wish someone would have let me know in the beginning as I didn't have a clue where to start. Some of it may feel applicable, some may not, some for now, some for later, but I do hope you'll consider these things as to whether or not they'll be of help to you in your journey.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.

Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually.

Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.

Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time.

Try not to isolate too much.

There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me!

Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever.

Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]

In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it".

Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.

Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay.

Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.

Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.

Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together.

Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.

Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Thank you Francine

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Jokkyp, i am deeply sorry for your loss. Sudden cardiac arrest-----that is how my husband passed last year. He had health conditions, but we were staying on top of everything. He had 3 doctors, 2 of them specialists and we saw each one on a regular basis.. Every other week lab work to keep everything monitored. Medications/dosages monitored. I didn't think something was going to happen for many years yet Sudden death, in whatever manner, has its own shock value. I was in shock for a long time, then comes the denial. I am sorry for what you are going through.

We not only lose that special person, we lose that life we shared, we lose ourselves. Everything we held dear in this life is shattered. And it is the hardest thing to do in picking up what pieces we can and trying to put some kind of a life back together for ourselves.

The previous posters who replied to you are wonderful, caring people. So I won't repeat their words. The best advice you will see here, is to take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. It has been a little over 13 months for me and I still take it day by day. I will most likely do it this way the rest of my life.

Keep coming here, whether just to read posts or to express your thoughts and feelings. There is no judging. criticizing. The emotions that come with grieving are many and complex. We are here for each other. Sending you prayers for comfort and eventual peace----