I am a dude and dudes have a tendency to communicate with insults and putdowns. We try to belittle and embarrass each other in order to impress each other. It’s not bullying, it’s bonding. When somebody makes fun of you, that’s an open window for you to make fun of them back. It’s important to have a couple of comebacks in your arsenal. If someone talks shit about your shoes, you should say that it was all their mom could afford. If they make fun of your hairstyle, you should say that it’s how their mom likes it. Those are witty comebacks. And remember, you can always replace their mom with another family member. Mixing it up keeps your comebacks fresh.

Lazy comebacks are the worst. Those are when you repeat back their insult with a slight twist. You’re not going to impress anyone if they say that you’re stupid and you say that they’re dumb. The point of a comeback is to regain the respect your opponent just stole from you. If you can’t say anything clever, than shut the fuck up and accept defeat. It’s better in the long run.

Sometimes comebacks don’t even have to be targeted at the other person. You can a self-deprecating comeback. Insulting yourself more than they insulted you can be just as effective as insulting them. If they call you ugly, tell them you’re aware of the situation and that’s why you don’t take selfies. You’ll get a bigger laugh than they did and they won’t have a good response. They will be lazy if they continue to call you ugly and they can’t switch to a different insult. The self-deprecating comeback is a great defense, but you have to be cautious when insulting yourself. Don’t say that you wet the bed or anything like that.