The Morning After: Pillow Talk

Chick: Putting on your “O” face and letting out a few moans or screams is one thing, but pillow talk is pretty creepy when done in a tasteless and tactless manner. The point of it is to get your partner thinking of all the kinky and wonderfully lude acts you can engage in bed, on the couch or in the shower. But if you get too graphic, you’re just going to spoil the moment.

For instance, if you have yet to get her panties off but you’re rubbing up against one other, don’t whisper in her ear, “I want to feel myself inside you.” That is a prime example of creepiness. Sleazy men who view kiddie porn on the Net want to feel themselves inside a tight virgin punani or bum hole. Here’s some advice: don’t use that line.

But complete silence while you’re railing some broad is awkward, too. To fill in those gaps, chicks often moan, which may or may not be authentic. It’s difficult for females to get their rocks off even while sexin’ – but that’s neither here nor there.

Giving directions is a clutch move because it adds a touch of kinkiness while benefiting yourself. Harder, faster, lift up my leg, or (worst case scenario) please stop now can lead a guy to the G-spot. But the old theory that “less is more” can also be applicable in the pillow talk department.

Instead of telling a guy that they’re making you wet, talk about something completely unsexual, like, “So did you study for your calc exam yet? No? Me either.” It can be competitive because you can see who succumbs first (or just cums first) to the power of a mighty orgasm.

Dick: The best thing about a blowjob is the fact that it is rude to talk with your mouth full. Unfortunately, some people never got that memo. There are those girls who lay out everything they are doing verbally, saying, “I’m gonna tickle your balls” as they tickle the balls. Then there are the questioners. These girls are usually too scared to take initiative, so they ask timid questions such as “Can I tickle your balls?” The answer is, just do it. But then there are the crazy questions such as “Can I play with your prostate?”

Dirty talk does come in handy sometimes, though. It is especially useful when you don’t like your roommate and he sleeps in the same room as you. There is nothing like hearing “I love how you feel inside me” to ensure sweet dreams and improve roommate relations.

But once the sex is done, the ethics of whether to talk or not is more unclear. The worse thing that can happen at the end of a hookup is to have the girl say something in your ear about how sweet or special or tender you are, just as you are thinking about how quickly you can leave. So ladies, use your mouth for its only true purpose, and leave the talking to us when we have to make our excuses.

We have all been forced to down a family member’s greasy and lackluster casserole with a smile on our face. But this Thanksgiving, you can rethink the staple and enjoy a dish with a crunch that goes unmatched.