V/H/S Review

I love scary movies. I am constantly looking to find that one, rare hidden gem that has the potential to induce a few scares. The problem with 90% of the horror movies being churned out today is that they placate to the gore demographic which mostly consist of the teenage persuasion. I can’t remember the last movie that genuinely kept me up at night or at the very least had me thinking about it days afterward. If you’ve seen one Saw, you’ve seen them all. If you’ve seen one Paranormal Activity, it’s rinse and repeat with the sequels. I hope and pray that I never have to sit through another boring cash grab made for the A.D.D. generation that seems to forget they are watching the same movie they watched 5 years ago. Apparently my prayers have gone unanswered as Paranormal Activity 4 is already set for an October release.

After hearing people gush over the new-found footage horror movie V/H/S, I thought I might actually hit the mother load. It’s literally been the talk of film festivals and the trailer for the film looked absolutely fantastic. V/H/S is about 4 criminals hired to break in to a house and retrieve a video cassette tape. Once they get in the house, they quickly realize that they bit off a little more than they can chew. There is a dead body rotting in a chair in front of numerous televisions and a stack of video tapes. Not knowing which tape they are supposed to snatch, they proceed on checking each tape one by one. What follows is four tapes, four stories, told by four different directors. In concept, V/H/S had the potential to be a game changer. A new era Tales from the Crypt/The Twilight Zone that could spawn sequels with new stories and new directors. In reality, V/H/S is one of the worst movies I have seen this year.

I literally watched V/H/S wondering if all of the people who have thrown their undying love for this movie have actually even seen it. It’s an almost unwatchable disaster. The four stories get more and more ridiculous, one right after the other. I will keep this review spoiler free and only say that the stories involve a really creepy girl, a honeymoon,a Skype conversation, and a Halloween party. I can’t even sit here and pretend to tell you what the stories were all about. I am going to invent a new V/H/S drinking game that will mostly consist of someone taking a shot every time one of the girls in the film flash their tits. You better have a designated driver. If you are as excited to see V/H/S as I was, then this review will do nothing for you. You will watch the slick,creepy trailer and decide it can’t be that bad. I promise that when you are finished with the horrendous acting, laughable story lines, and vomit inducing shaky cam footage, I won’t say I told you so.