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Month: April 2015

Your driving to work, your data is low and you are sick of all your CD’s so you try to listen to the radio. You press preset number 1, its a song you haven’t really heard in a while so you enjoy it. The next song comes on and you don’t like it so you move on to the next station, to your surprise they are playing the song you just liked a second ago, so you give it one more listen. After about 15 min you realize all the stations are looping the same 6 songs 38579275048 times a day (check the math each song is about 3 min so 3 x 38579275048=roughly the min in a day) I have never slammed something so hard than the off button on my radio when I heard the same song for the 3rd time in a 10 min span.

What are you afraid of that I might forget what a singer’s voice sounds like in the one second it takes me to press the next button? Do you honestly think by shoving the same songs down my throat that i will enjoy them more and go to their concerts? Repeating the same noise over and over again will not make me enjoy it more. If that was the case my alarm clock wake up call would be my favorite song, ever!

It is to a point where i look forward to the jingles of the commercials I was so busy hating on a few weeks ago, at least they are a nice change of pace. I gave the radio a try but honestly there is no solution, unless you listen to it once every few months.

We all love and enjoy dogs. However nowadays people are taking it it overboard. At what point did it become not enough to have a dog just running around chasing sheep, animals, and children around. Why are we so adamant to turn them into human beings. Here are a few examples of what is wrong:

1. Dressing our dogs up: I promise you no dog has ever dreamt about becoming a pirate or tinkerbell. They do not need to be dressed up. Maybe on Halloween you can dress them up, but other than that it is not ok. Does the look in the picture above look happy to be a pirate? They don’t like it, yes I asked!

2. Dog birthdays: This needs to stop. They are dogs they don’t know it is their bday, give them a treat and they will think a any day is their bday. So putting a bday hat and forcing them to pose for pics is not fun for them, and again yes I asked!

another thing associated with this whole bday thing, is gourmet treats for dogs. WTF. Really, a freaking pastry shop for dogs, what happened with a good old fashioned piece of bacon, or a bone.

3. Constant pics: I do not need to see your dogs picture everyday, I promise he is only “the cutest” to you. I don’t need to be reminded what it looks like when it yawns, or has its first tick. Unless you dog is doing front flips while making pancakes (or reading, writing, speaking, etc.), I don’t need to see it that often. You are allotted 2 pics a month, use them wisely.

4. Carrying dogs: When did dogs stop walking. When did they decide “oh well there goes that whole walking thing.” They have 4 legs, they are meant to walk. they have been doing for thousands of years, it’s one of their hobbies, it something they are very good at.

The Solution:

When did Sparky the dog become a princess and need constant care and compassion. They are dogs, they are amazing creatures, but end of the the day they are dogs. Enjoy them, don’t change them!

You are out to lunch with a friend or acquaintance having a great time. You are enjoying your burger and conversation then you hear a phrase which just ruins everything. Here are a few of the phrases which get the ball rolling:

Phrase 1:

“No offense but…” The chances of the following statement being offensive is as high as a pothead being high on 4/20. Sure enough they follow the statement with “should you really be eating that, you are getting kind of fat” All you can respond with is a smile and a nod, but deep down inside you are thinking “Who the hell are you to tell me I’m getting fat you judgmental pig. No offense, but you suck as a human being”

Phrase 2:

“I don’t mean to be rude, but…” Oh really you don’t? I’m sure rude is the only thing you mean to be with the next words coming out of your mouth. How about don’t worry about my life and shut up? Just a suggestion!

Phrase 3:

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but…” Oh I promise you there is only one way I am going to take this and it is going to be all kinds of wrong. Who starts a statement with that? Why are you so concerned with my life? Unless the phrase ends with “you are beautiful” I don’t want to hear it.

I don’t understand the audacity of people to turn and talk crap about me to my face. If I wanted to feel bad about myself and to hear how horrible of a failure I am I would just call my mom, she has a magical way with words when it comes to this topic.

We all have that one person in our life who has it so much better/worse than is in every situation. You give it a listen at first and assume it will pass and that it is a one time thing, but it never does. These are the same people who will listen to you speak for a second and then turn the conversation to make it about themselves

Some of the following conversations take place:

Conversation 1:

You: “I just got into medical school!”

Them: Oh nice, medical school is cool, but I feel like everyone is doing it. I just started clown school its so much smarter and a better career choice, there are just so much more opportunities there. But that’s cool, I’m sure you will be fine”

Conversation 2:

You: “I just found out my grandma has stage 4 cancer, but I think she is going to make it”

Them: “Wow, that is terrible, I remember when Larry our goldfish had a tumor, it was so hard on all of us, we just stuck together and made it through. I’m sure you will be fine”

Conversation 3:

You: “I just found out my girlfriend of 15 years is cheating on me”

Them: “In third grade I remember my first boyfriend bobby didn’t tag me during recess, he tagged that that sloppy girl Angelica instead, i was like so mad!”

You: Shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Solution:

Scream and yell at them, but….then you will have to hear about it for the rest of your life as the worst thing that has ever happened to them

or

Just have fun with it, create the most obnoxious stories you possible can. Tell them you are up for receiving the nobel peace prize for stopping the civil war between the Indian and Atlantic ocean sea turtles, I promise they will try and out do you. These people suck i know, but just have fun with it, because no matter the situation you will not be changing them.

Hashtags quite possibly have to be one of the most annoying ideas since the Teletubbies. Sure in theory its great, but once in the hands of the wrong people it becomes a disaster. Here are some of the things that can go wrong with hashtags:

1. #when #people #use #hashtags #like #this your doing it wrong champ

2. When you hashtag things that don’t even make sense to the picture. If you have a picture of yourself what is #immajerk going to do. Is it that important for a prepubescent Chilean kid living in Sweden to see your picture. Do you have nothing else in life that you need to put 30 different hashtags to get likes. WIll those likes really change your life for the better. Will you become rich and famous because 14 people you have never heard of (also who probably aren’t real), liked your picture?

3. Why is the word porn being added to everything now. Is porn really that appealing that we must add it to other words such as food? Do you really think porn is the most appropriate and appetizing word to use following food? Maybe try #thisisfood or #goodfood think it paints the picture well enough

4. I can’t seem to wrap around why anyone would think it is beneficial to any party concerned to hashtag your own damn name. Nobody is going to search for you, I promise! Since that’s not bad enough they start hashtagging the names of their kids and dogs. Im speechless, just, No!

The Solution:

Hashtags can be useful when trying to find something specific or when trying to have a collection of pictures from a party or wedding. But when used without care it can be dangerous and annoying to all. Hashtags need to come with directions, and if you use them wrong you should be banned from using them at all. Don’t be the select few that ruin it for everyone else.

You are either at home or driving to work and a commercial comes on. Nothing about commercials are appealing and you are already tuning out when some company decides it would be cute to ruin your day by adding a damn jingle to their commercial. Not only can you care less about the product, but now you have the pleasure of singing the damn jingle in your head all day.

Do these companies actually think this works. Just because you have a catchy song does not mean I will be calling. No one in the history of education has decided a college over a jingle. This conversation will never happen:”Why did you choose Schmollege College?” “Oh! Well I was watching Matlock and the commercial came on and the jingle lit a fire inside of me to pursue my dreams and enroll in this respectable school” How about instead of wasting time worrying about if your number rhymes with college, try building a better school.

No random car dealership I will not be dropping $40,000 because your clever tune is stuck in my head. In fact I might drive over there with the same car you’re selling that I bought from a different dealership and come punch you in the face for the countless hours of my life I wasted singing your damn jingle!

Also I promise you, my choosing a company to do school loans with will not be because I heard you singing on the radio. You can keep your 50% interest rates, I’m good. I may even use the money I saved by not choosing you, to start my own company just to put you out of business.

The Solution:

Just don’t do it! Sure your jingle may be stuck in my head forever (I’m talking to you Jenny Craig, you ruined my childhood) but in the end you come off as cheesy and annoying. Stop it!