1. Oakland Raiders at Tennessee Titans

Raiders: Need to hope their defense can catch up to the offensive success they’ve had in the first two weeks.

Titans: Hope that Oakland QB Derek Carr lets his brother David suit up in his place to “lose one for old time’s sake.”

2. Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers

Lions: Match last year’s success of snapping a 24-game road losing streak to the Packers with pressure on the quarterback and explosive offense.

Packers: Show up to the stadium on time.

3. Minnesota Vikings at Carolina Panthers

Panthers: Continue to dominate both sides of the line and exploit mismatches with tight end Greg Olsen.

Vikings: Find a young fan in the stands waiting to be given a touchdown ball from Cam Newton and welcome him with a steaming hot cup of joe to the face.

4. Arizona Cardinals at Buffalo Bills

Cardinals: Take that defensive show on the road and continue to pressure the QB and make big plays.

Bills: Hope that the Cardinals don’t make it to the stadium because the pilot refuses to believe that a group of people with wealth and status would possibly want to go to Buffalo. He chuckles good-naturedly as they desperately try to appeal to him and takes them to Miami.

8. Denver Broncos at Cincinnati Bengals

Broncos: Keep the running game strong and allow surprise no-name QB Trevor Siemian to continue his development in a hostile environment.

Bengals: Make it difficult for the visiting Broncos – normally used to the thin air of Denver – by pumping excess oxygen into the stadium and hope it causes them to break out into seizures or some other fucked-up shit. There’s no scientific evidence to back this but why not give it a shot!

9. San Diego Chargers at Indianapolis Colts

Chargers: Have a short memory about the missed opportunity in Week One and play like a 2-0 team.

Colts: Have the defense show the professional courtesy of “a tackle or two” like they used to do for Peyton Manning.

10. New York Jets at Kansas City Chiefs

Jets: Control both lines of scrimmage and shorten the game in a tough environment.

Chiefs: Keep a consistent short passing game and limit mistakes by QB Alex Smith…what? Were you expecting something outlandish? This one just happens to come down to X’s and O’s.