TITO ORITZ WORKS FOR HIS SH*T, DAWG

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was riding around with ESPN’s Colin Cowherd on Segways. Every few blocks we’d see a homeless person on the sidewalk and Colin and I would do something cruel to the guy, like pretend to run off with his shoes or scald him with hot coffee. And then we’d high-five and segway around until we found some more coffee. We did this for like an hour and then this cop pulled us over. It was a lady cop, and maybe that’s not the proper jargon, but just bear with me.

So she’s wagging her nightstick at us, saying condescending cop stuff like “You boys better be careful,” and that’s when one of the homeless people transformed into a rhinoceros and trampled her. And then the rhinoceros looked at us and we looked at it. And then the rhino asked us for change.

All I had was credit cards.

I guess the moral of the story is that the homeless aren’t really people, but they’re actually rhinoceroses in disguise, just waiting for the right moment to trample somebody. Think about that the next time you see one of them peeing at a bus stop. Thanks, Gimp