Best Starlets of 2003!

No doubt, Scarlett Johansson gives a "fine performance" in Lost in Translation. Her graceful, clear-eyed evocation of humanity's wrenching, impossible struggle for meaning and joy sent a lot of you to the opening night of The Pearl Necklace . . . rather, The Pearl Earring. Chances are you won't be seeing her delicate neck glistening with semen spray anytime soon. And even if you did, I wouldn't bank on her lending the money shot, or shots, as much eleganceindeed, beautyas Japanese fetish queen Yui Kayama, one of this year's best porn starlets.

Quoting a friend, Nick Tosches once wrote, more or less, "If you're going to be a whore, be a high-priced whore. For money buys freedom from whoredom, as in ancient Rome it bought freedom from slavery. And without freedom, there is no doing what a writer should do, which is to share and give to others, through what poetry he or she can make, of whatever God has given the gift of entering the wisdom and power of the silence and the wind."

We all are not either whores or pimps, as Ice-T handed down in Pimpin' 101. But who among us is clean? Certainly not the Hollywood actors, however art-identified; nor their viewers; nor the reviewers. The high-priced women below, tumefacient translators of staged sex into millions of men's kaleidoscope spasms, speak mother nature's most vital poetry. Just don't call it love.

THIN

A visit to Isabelle's page on indie-rock porn site supercult.comwhich released her DV debut, the spotty though highly original limited edition disc The Young Idea v.1.0reveals that the winsome 21-year-old, nickname Izzy, eats neither meat nor its products, works in Boston as a tour guide at the Museum of Fine Art, and . . . hold on, I've got to mop my lap off . . . reads Bukowksi. She is small, and her flesh probably very tender. Her black bangs are shorn just below the hairline. In the movie, she yanks thrift store treasures out of her bedroom closet, modeling them with a virginal vim to shame jaded jackers.

Rockabilly chick Rachel Rotten looks like a '50s housewife turned motorcycle-gang slutlong locks with severe bangs, fake eyelashes under wildly arched 'brows, and pierced breasts, large and heavy, that look every bit like the life fountains they are. (Pick movies, best first: The Low Lifes, Vivid; Tails of Perversity 9, Elegant Angel)

Jynx, full-on goth where the above two only dip into the dark side, claims that while love should be sweet, fucking must be violent. She's still gathering her newbie courage, we can tell, but the men all over her struggle to hew to her slap-choke-spit edgeshoot cum as they might, she's still got all the spunk. (Spring Chickens #6, Diabolic)

Skinny, redheaded, freckled all over, and with a small gap 'tween her front teeth to boot, Allison White represents for undiscovered high-school sexpots everywhere. Girls, this is what you have to look forward to! (Married Women Fantasies, Quad Pictures)

"I cried and bled and hated it the first time," the willowy, laser-pouted Jenna Haze tells not-wearing-a-scumbag Randy West about her first assfuck, shortly before taking her thousandth. Girls, this is what you have to look forward to! (Jenna Loves Girls, Jill Kelly; Please! Cum Inside Me 8, Randy West)

Just as we pass amazing pairs on the street every day without being introduced to their owners, so does the fairy tale Euro on the cover of Stacked Volume 9 (Top Heavy) remain nameless. Combined, her timidity and blond ringlets faintly suggest class. But those small-D ski-slope tits, turned up like a princess' nose, stir something much, much deeper, like an emanating religious om that struggles to summon that utterance of all utterances: mommy.

THICK

Thankfully, I know the name of the woman with the best ass in porn: It is Nautica Thorn, a cheery half-Hawaiian who doesn't have her own website but gives a fine footjob. If God poured extra gravy on the thick ladies listed here, then Nautica is a Thanksgiving sandwich, all the fixinsrump and upin juicy handfuls. (Spring Chickens #6, Diabolic)

Lacey's grill resembles 50 Cent's, right down to that frowning smirk and those can't-miss teeth and friendly eyes. And she's got a body to match hisalbeit one as softly and generously contoured as his is cartoonishly carved and scarred. She's into having sex, not into makin' love! (Sista 16, Afro-Centric)

Taking two dicks in the exit is dirty, sure, but the grimiest ladies always put their mouths where the moneyshots are. In the grand tradition of Ashley Blue and Papa Maldoro favorite Bella Donna, Julie Night's flesh-sword-swallowing act debases even low-down deep-throating. That she still retains a strong gag reflex (unlike Bella) and dresses like a hot prep, with librarian glasses, officially makes her eligible for sainthood. (Gonzomania 2, Elegant Angel; Perverted Stories "The Movie", JM)