Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2008 15:13:04 -0500
From: drjimmf
Subject: A Tribute to t love of my life
A Tribute to the love of my life.
Preface- I have read many story's on here, and after the loss of my father
I decided that one of the best ways for me to make a tribute to him, was to
share the love we had with others that would truly understand what it is to
be in love with someone. So with that, the following is completely true
and honest to every word. And I hope that after you finish reading it that
you take something of meaning from it, and if not, thanks again for reading
it.
I suppose to begin, would be to go back to the very beginning of my family
life. My parents met when they were in high school each 17 years old --
they went to college together my father a political science major and my
mother an economics. Unfortunately or, fortunately depending on who you
ask, I was conceived when they were 19, which therefore set the stage for
them being married. According to my father that situation was not
initially intended, but as it was they were now to be married. (To step
back for a minute, my father was an only child whom was actually adopted,
and just after I turned 9 years old his mother passed away, and then within
6 months his father passed as well. My mother was 1 of 3, she having 2
older brothers)
To my knowledge, as I grew up, I lived in a typical home, with typical
parents, that both went to work each morning, I went to school, and
everyone was home in the evening for dinner. The only difference that I
noticed was that my parents looked much younger than the rest of my
friend's parents when I went over to their houses. And given that there
was really only family on my mother's side, we used to go their for
holidays and what not, I had cousins, but for whatever reason, they never
seemed to be really friendly to me -- I don't really know why, not
something I could understand either, and the only other person that I felt
that I could go sit with was my dad, since he too no one seemed to really
talk to, again at 9, 10, 11 years old its not something you understand, but
do remember. But there was one holiday when I was 12 years old, I was just
starting to experiment and fool around discovering jerking off, and playing
around with guys talking about girls and all -- again at the time
sometime I never really understood, liked to look and talk about guys but
never the girls. In any event, one St. Patrick's day we were at my grand
parents house, and the adults were all in one area, and my cousins and I
were in another, they were all a year or so older than I so everyone was
talking about girls, and I got asked the question about what did I like
about them-and I had no answer, and they all laughed. So I backed away,
went and sat in corner and pretended to read a magazine or something, and
an uncle of mine came over to sit down, his words were a bit slurred, so he
was rather drunk, and he said to me "I guess your jackass father never told
you about the birds and the bee's, well time someone does." He grabbed me
by the wrist and took me into another room shut the door and locked it, and
very firmly pushed me to my knees and said "I'm going to show you what your
jackass father did to my sister" and with that he took off his pants, and
then his briefs, and out popped this long penis -- mind you at that age I
had never seen a real sized penis, so to me it looked huge. He told me to
lick it like a lolly pop but as I started to do that he pushed it further
down my throat and made me choke. I started to cry, but he told me to keep
my mouth shut, and then took his underwear and put them in my mouth and
said `keep them in there till I'm done' He then took off my pants and
pushed himself in with no warning-it hurt like all hell, and I wanted to
scream, but had the gag in my mouth. He kept putting it in and out until
one last slam and I felt him pull out, and then liquid dripping down my
leg. I was told that I was never to tell anyone about this or I would be
disowned and put out in the cold -- so being 12 years old I believed him
and never said a word to anyone. It was a year or 2 later that I learned
that what had happened was rape, and they taught us in school that if it
ever happened run and tell someone, but being threatened to be disowned I
decided to keep it to myself still.
But in moving forward, nothing was ever said about that ever again, and it
was also the last time I ever saw my uncle. About 2 months later, I came
home from school to see a lot of boxes and suitcases in the front hall. I
was a bit confused, because I didn't think we were going anywhere. And then
I heard my parents yelling at each other, my mother doing most of the
talking, - or yelling at that. And then the last sentence that I heard was
"you and your pathetic son are on your own, I'm out of here" She came down
the steps with her coat on, and my father behind, but in silence, and the
last words she said to me were "good by and good luck" ran out the door
jumped in the car and drove off. My father and I both stood in the open
door with his arm on my shoulder and we waved as she left, both knowing
that, that was the last time we'd ever see her again.
After we shut the door, we both looked at each other in a way we hadn't
before, or at least not a way that I had ever noticed, and he put his arm
around me and said "Well kiddo, its just you and me now" he hugged me, and
said "don't worry we'll be fine". And I guess I believed him. And the
funny thing about it is that I didn't cry when she left, I can't even say
that I really missed her. (Looking back on it now, I doubt she really ever
wanted to be married to him nor did she really want me, and I guess she
just got to her breaking point and took off).
But from that point on, I grew up pretty quickly. I mean my father and I
basically just fell into each other. We had never been 'best friends' or
anything, I was just a normal kid (to some degree) he went to work, I went
to school. There was really nothing unusual or different other than the
fact that it was just us now. I had kept the thing with my uncle to myself,
as it was my mothers side -- and even though they were out of the picture
now, just didn't make sense to say anything anymore, was in the past and I
knew that no one else would be around to do that to me again. However I
was now at the age that everyone was talking about sex and who was cuter
and who could get laid first and or faster -- I still was never sure
which way I swung -- all I knew that from whatever one said liking guys
was a bad thing. But after that incident with my uncle, I always wondered
what was actually so bad about it. And as time passed I realized that I
did like guys more than girls, never actually expressed it to anyone --
but I left it as it was. And at the same time that all of this was
going on, Dad and I grew closer together, just as a matter of support I
suppose. It was never a matter of sex or attraction, of all things that I
thought about sex never crossed my mind especially about him.
But again as time passed, I became more protective of him, and I guess, he
of me as well. I always told him to try and find someone because I knew he
was lonely and there was only so much I could do. But he never
really recovered from my mother -- I know that the way she left sounded
as if it was on amicable terms to some degree -- in the sense that he
didn't sound as if he fought her on it. But he never really got past, just
being left in the cold. And as much as he tried, and I know he did, he just
couldn't get out of it. And I was going to college in a year and I felt
terrible that he was going to be left out in the cold again, but at the
same time figured he'd have to move past it once I left-or I hoped he
would. Finally after a lot of my pestering and encouragement, he went
out a few times, and to my delight, he really got into someone and actually
looked happy again -- something I had not seen in him for such a long
time. And from that I felt better about going away, and not leaving him
alone. And to toot his own horn he encouraged me to go out and try and
find happiness in my life outside of him and home. So, I too started going
out with girls and actually found one that I liked very much went steady
for a while, and finally there was that one night -- the one night that
is supposed to be one of the most exciting nights of someone's life where
you loose your virginity to someone you can say that you love.
I drove up to her house at about 2 in the morning, she invited me in, and
we sat down on her couch and started kissing. I was feeling around do my
best to get into it, but no matter what I did, how long she kissed me or
touched me, or I her l couldn't get an erection. And she finally said it 'I
knew my friends were right you are so gay-no straight guy was never able to
not get hard with me' and I'm sure that was true. She was beautiful. So
without saying anything else I just got dressed said I was sorry for
disappointing her and went home and just cried for a while outside of my
front door. But I knew she was right. I was gay just never wanted to
accept it. I think I actually fell asleep outside on the front porch of
the house- I don't know for how long, but I woke up to dad sitting next to
me. It was still dark out, and he just held me for a while and asked me
what happened. And I simply just told him couldn't get hard and she dumped
me and told me I was gay, and he just nodded and understood. I guess he
knew already too. And I said to him "I ever wanted to do was make
someone happy and I guess it would never happen with a girl" and he
responded saying that he knew the feeling. And he just hugged me - and
it was there at that point, that the connection was made. After those
statements we looked at each other and then went inside said good night,
and "I love you" to each other and went to bed in each of our
bedroom's. But for some, reason after everything that had happened, I
felt better.
The following morning, I woke up, with some what of a different aspect on
life, I was finally able to accept myself for who I really was, and did not
have to flaunt it, but I certainly was no longer going to hide it. And
with that new found confidence I decided to call my ex girlfriend, to say
thank you to her-thank you for allowing me to admit to myself who I was,
and that I no longer had to hide it anymore. And that I would be eternally
grateful for her part in it. There was total silence on the other end of
the phone. But I again said thanks and hung up. But also with the new
found confidence that I had I was also drawn back to a comment that my
father said to me last night "I know the feeling" And I now needed to know
what his story was. So he came down for breakfast, and I looked him
straight in the eye and said "well you know why I was out of sorts last
night, what's your story?" He laughed and said "you always did know how to
read me well, but truth be told, I guess you're old enough to finally know
the real truth about why your mother and I broke up" and it was at that
point that everything finally made sense. He continued "You, were really
the only reason we got married, I truly was just experimenting trying to
figure out what the hell I was, and of course the one time I was able to
get it up for a girl, I created you -- and Jim (me) it was the most
wonderful creation that I ever made, and I don't resent it for a
millisecond. Your mother and I decided to remain together, for your sake,
and we did it for as long as we possibly could. And it finally hit its
breaking point, the day she walked out. She hated the fact that I was gay,
not only hated that fact, but hated me for it. And unfortunately you got
caught in the middle of everything -- she did the wrong thing by walking
out on you, it wasn't fair or right of her, but on the same token it was
better off that she made a clean break. So there's the history. But to
move forward I want to tell you again that you are the most wonderful thing
that ever happened to me, you have kept me going all these years, and will
continue to do so, you are such loving wonderful man that deserves every
passion, pleasure that life can offer you. I know that you have been
hanging around me not only because you were a bit afraid to come out of
your shell, but because you felt as if you were protecting me as I do you.
But now Jim, now that you have you and yourself and have accepted you, I
promise you that I'm going to be ok and you are going to be OK. My little
relationship - was never going to last she was good company, but nothing
more than that. And now that everything is out in the open you can go find
someone that is good for you, and I will do the same."
I sat there in total silence, of shock, surprise and on the same token
thinking "duhh" all of the evidence was right in front of me, should have
been obvious, but it just never occurred to me. And he called my name --
and snapped me out of shock land and I looked at him and he told me that he
loved me, and that it was time for both of us to really be happy and find
someone to do it with. And then at that moment, everything else hit me
like a ton of bricks. I finally understood what my connection to him was,
why I was so drawn to protect him, why I had such the desire to be near him
and make sure I did not or he did not get hurt anymore. Not only did I
love my father but I was in love with him. And again I was snapped out of
my whirlwind of thoughts and he asked me "so it's a deal, we're both going
to go and live life to the fullest" And I agreed to it, but had a pit in my
stomach that if I didn't say what I had to right then, I would never get
the opportunity to do it again.
As he got up to the leave the kitchen, I decided to make that move, and I
asked him " dad, what if I already found the person who I knew would make
me happy and Id be able to life to the fullest with?" He turned around and
looked at me rather puzzled and asked "who?" And I just responded "you"
And he asked me "do you really know what you are saying?" And I got up and
slowly walked over to him held his face in both my hands and leaned in to
kiss him -- and made that contact with his lips, and came back up and
said "Yes I do, and I love you more than anything in the world, and I want
to be the one that you live life to the fullest with, the one that makes
you smile, the one that you wake up next to every morning" He smiled and
kissed me back, and said "Good, because I want to be the one that you live
life to the fullest with"
It was then, that life really began for us, as lovers, as soul mates, and
as father and son.
I am now 34 years old, I had 15 wonderful years with the man of my life,
and He very sadly passed away 4 months ago, at the age of 55 from a sudden
heart attack. So Dad, I dedicate this to you, as my lover, my soul mate
and my father. I love you, now and forever.
To anyone who has read this, I thank you for giving me the opportunity to
share this with you, and if anyone has any comments, please feel free to
email me at drjimmf@gmail.com