The life and views of this Asian girl who slightly bent the convention set for herself and who set out to look for the happily ever after.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Question

The GF has been really concerned about my emotional well-being, with my father having just passed away, and not knowing exactly when he'll be brought to his final resting place -or even where that'll be. (Because my father had passed away abroad, their police will probably need to perform an autopsy on him so that a cause of death could be determined... which does not sit easy with my stepmother, and frankly, I am not sure that I want his body to be invaded like that... however, that is something that is most likely required by law than anything else.)

I have to admit that I've had a medium scaled breakdown... thinking about how my grandfather would feel once he found out that his son is gone, just like that, also the slow and seeping realization that I will NEVER see him, hear his voice, or smell his foot odor (he had really bad foot odor) from the next room ever again... not on this green earth... just hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have dealt with the loss of a loved one once, but that event was not something that was completely unanticipated. I was devastated, but eventually, I got to a point where it's feeling more "okay" now than immense sadness. In this case, even though I was not close to my father, the regrets and little memories of him nevertheless are just as intense and the unexpectedness of his death is not only sad but confusing to me.

Some in my reserve unit, like my commander, have offered for me to call them anytime to talk should I feel the need to... but I know stuff like this just makes them cringe and very uncomfortable... so I simply thanked them politely. People at work have offered their condolences... but (not that I am doubting their sincerities) ... but it just feels so surreal. When I wake up, the first thing that comes into my head is "my father has died"... like some kind of reminder that this is not, unfortunately, a dream.

The GF asked me how I felt, because I don't always show my emotions on my face. I asked her how do you show sadness, confusion, fear, and regret on one face?