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14 June 2017

Review: Most Haunted Series 5 (or 19) Episode 10 (Standon Hall in Staffordshire Part 3) - REALLY to air Friday 16th June 10pm

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. That was the first day of God's creation.On the second day, God created the sky.On the third day, God created the land, the oceans and all the plants.On the fourth day, God created the sun, moon and stars.

Hang on a second, 3 days passed and then God created the sun, well how could 3 days pass without the sun? A day is defined as one rotation of the Earth in relation to the Sun!Can someone have a word with God please and tell him he messed up please!

Right then we are back for the 3rd part of an incredible 3 part special of Most Haunted at Standon Hall in Staffordshire. Lets quickly recap the first two parts. We revealed that there was no history of hauntings at Standon Hall at all before it was purchased by an entertainments company for the soul purpose of running it as a tourist attraction for ghost hunting groups. Part 1 we exposed using Most Haunted's own footage how Karl clearly swiped a knife which was then thrown a minute later. See here.
Next up the 2nd part, and we exposed yet again how Karl swiped a knife, and then threw it at himself in from arms length. We then also totally exposed a 100% faked scene in which a sideboard door closed by itself OFF CAMERA, and how they edited 18 seconds out of the footage. See here and here

So 2 episodes of their big 3 part special and each episode has shown a moment of blatant fakery that we have exposed. Not only that but some of their own biggest fans have started to question Karl on his own facebook page.

Now heads up I asked if anyone spotted anything in the 3rd part for me to look out for and I've been told there is nothing too blatant, just more running about like headless chickens, but I will try my best to make it entertaining, if only for myself.

So lets open up Karl's secret draw, put on our rubber gloves, and pull out his favourite blart sock, and peer inside for this weeks official blurb.

"Ghostly goings-on with Yvette Fielding. In the final
part of the team's scariest search to date, something in Standon Hall
lets the team know they have outstayed their welcome."

As the show starts I want I want to remind everyone, this show is clearly advertised "for entertainment purposes only". OFCOM themselves have designated that this show is NOT a serious paranormal investigation, and that it should not be taken as such and that it is entertainment only. In other words this show is officially a spoof show. It is based on a 1992 BBC show called Ghostwatch, please google it if you have never heard of it.

First thing is the replays from the previous episode, and we get the hilarious shot of Karl throwing a knife at himself, and accidentally flinching BEFORE it hits him, we then get the wheelchair moving on its own and totally not pushed by Fred who quickly ran and hid elsewhere while Karl pointlesses checked in every direction except the one the wheelchair was pushed from.

I recently got "told" on Twitter by a MH fan that you can tell it is real, as none of them are actors.

Just for clarification. Yvette Fielding is a trained actress, and before her Blue Peter days she even had a starring role in a show called Seaview.

They start off from where they finished off the last episode, with Yvette pointing out to camera that Glen is showing off for someone, she then winks to the camera, and sucks her finger in a seductive manner.

Karl has Fred stomp about so that the ghost can replicate the stomps in the afterlife.

All very scientific stuff this is.

You know someone pointed out something to me which I would like everyone who reads this to try.

Watch Most Haunted while wearing headphones. Apparently the main audio in the show that is picked up from the cameras is very close together and almost mono. Meaning that you hear the same thing pretty much through your left and right ears. But certain things like growls etc come through in full stereo. The theory being that these are added in after the show in the edit room. If you spot any blatant example of this please do let me know.

Here is Karl standing in the least manly way anyone has ever stood.

As they walk up the stairs, the camera is facing to the floor, and OFF CAMERA a sound is heard, and something has been thrown.

So less than 4 minutes in and a fork grill thing has been thrown OFF CAMERA.
Karl is now acting the big man and challenging the ghosts to throw something at him.
Keep in mind that earlier in the night Karl wants us to believe that a ghost threw a knife at him (That left no damage whatsoever). That has all been forgotten now and he is asking for the ghosts to throw something else at him.

Suddenly another bang, and a teacup has been thrown OFF CAMERA and smashed. As for who threw it, it wasn't Fred, and it wasn't the cameraman, the only other person there was Karl who was OFF CAMERA.

Are you seeing a trend yet?

Back to Yvette and Glen, and notice the light on the ceiling! Clearly not dark at all.

Nearly ten minutes in and I am already bored. Too much walking back and forth, nothing ever caught on camera, no effort at all being made here.

Another bang, Karl is OFF CAMERA, despite the the cameraman trying to claim he was in front of him, a simple backwards toss by Karl as he walks past the cameraman here. Again all OFF CAMERA.

Fred then claims to see something coming up the stairs, a "Big black mass". They then leg it in the opposite direction.

The three of them are now running about aimlessly in some poor attempt at a Benny Hill skit.

Karl stops and now is contemplating his life choices. Did you know that Karl once claimed that he turned down a part in the Tom Cruise blockbuster movie "The Last Samurai" because he had to film Most Haunted. Just consider that for a moment, Karl claims he was offered a part in a movie that took $500 Million in the box office. A film starring one of the biggest names in Hollywood, and he turned it down so he could film Most Haunted.

In other news I was offered a part in the film Avatar, but you know I had to write a Most Haunted review so just couldn't make time to do it, but honestly I was offered the part. I have no proof of course, so you will just have to take my word on that one.

Ok back to MH and no sign of the lovely Rose Hillan yet. Clearly she is determined to stay off screen.

It is the highlight of Glens day as Yvette is touching him on his hand. Just imagine the raging boner Glen has at this point. Lets just hope he doesn't have to stand up for a while.

Back with Karl and Fred, and a noise is heard OFF CAMERA, something has been thrown.

Part of a walking frame I think is what was thrown, and the white bit of plastic above, looks like a condom! No joke, Karl kicks it and it is a condom. In completely unrelated news Yvette and Glen were in this area earlier, I wonder if they saw anything?

They keep walking around, another bang, OFF CAMERA.

They go into a room. Karl claims to have seen a reflection in a window. Nothing is caught on camera surprise surprise.

Back with Yvette and Glen and they speed up the footage of them holding hands on the table and the table is shown to move very slowly. They speed up the footage by 500%. Now the fact that people are touching the table would explain 100% why the table is moving. Think of it like when you put your feet up on a table or a stool or something, and every ten minutes you have to pull it closer to you because without realising you have pushed it. This is what happened here.

Well that or Glen's throbbing erection has been pressing on the table and that moved it!

Karl walks into a spider web, and you get his first genuine reaction of the series this year.

Suddenly another noise, and something has been thrown OFF CAMERA!
Notice how whatever is thrown is always thrown in the opposite way to the way the cameraman (Greg/Darren??) is filming.

They find what has been thrown and it is a tile, and here is the first slightly dodgy moment.
The cameraman moves the tile with his foot into the middle of the corridor.

Notice the bit from the walking frame to the left of the shot.
Karl then says "Is there anything up there?" and gets the cameraman to film the ceiling.
When the shot comes back down to the floor we get this shot.

Notice what's missing while the camera was pointing upwards? Yes the walking frame thing. Maybe it is behind Karls foot I hear you scream. Well no here is a shot as Karl walks off the shot.

Glen's condom from earlier can still be seen to the right of Freds foot, but where is the other bit? It is almost as if someone picked it up while the cameraman was told to film the ceiling. I wonder if this shot and the earlier shot of the the walking frame bit being thrown were filmed in the opposite order?

Embarrassingly we then get the return of a Most Haunted classic, that of the orb!

Even Yvette uses the word "dust" when talking about the orb.
Glen starts to check his recordings for EVPs and we cross back to Fred and Karl.

A wheelchair has moved OFF CAMERA.

Then there is a noise and something has been thrown behind the cameramans head and OFF CAMERA. For the first time though it really could not have been Karl or Fred as they were in shot. Whatever was thrown they don't seem at all interested in and just decide to leave which came across as really strange, as the noise it made was quite substantial. So I put my headphones back on and rewatched the scene. And that noise is not part of the original scene, it has been added after, it ends too abruptly.

The time for this is 22 minutes exactly, go to the UKTV website, and check for yourseves, put your headphones in, and listen to the noise that whatever was supposedly thrown makes.

In my opinion this is 100% a post production edit, Please do as I did, listen to it through headphones and let me know your opinion.

Anyway, everyone on the team is now back together, and it is time for more Benny Hill running about nonsense. There was a funny moment when Yvette replies to Karl after he says he saw someone, with "What? You mean a real person?"

As if that is the most unlikely thing she has ever heard.

For your information I am now cutting my toe nails. A Wheelchair has turned itself around OFF CAMERA.

They show a reply of people running past the wheelchair as it was facing the other way, the problem is anyone BEHIND the cameraman could simply have grabbed it and spun it around as everyone else was running and not looking, or filming it.

Bizarrely Karl encourages them all to split up again and sends Greg and Yvette off together.

Good to see I am not the only one getting bored with all of this.

Yvette thinks she can see something. (The camera is not showing anything)
She quickly runs to Glen and and wraps her arms around him tenderly, Glen seizing his opportunity grabs Yvettes arm and holds it firmly to his own body. His heart beating strongly, his blood rushing through every vein in his body. EVERY VEIN. He lets out a slight whimper and a slight wet noise can faintly be heard.

Yvette insists she saw a man, as they go to investigate a wheelchair has been moved. OFF CAMERA

The irony is, that as Yvette describes the ghost she saw, she is describing Karl perfectly. She even admits she thought it was Karl at first.

We then get mutiple replays of the scene despite the fact it doesn't show anything other than Yvette putting her acting classes to good use.

Karl and Fred split off and are upto their old tricks. An old Bird cage is tipped up OFF CAMERA.

Back with Yvette and Glen, they are casually chatting, then there is a noise, and a wheel chair has been pushed again in the distance (OFF CAMERA)

Yvette then calls Karl on the walkie, who then suspiciously comes walking from the corridor just past where the wheelchair was pushed. So clearly he pushed it, ran back up the corridor and then waited for the call to come back down. So obvious.

Yvette then proudly states that it is one of the most active haunted locations they have ever investigated. I wonder if they have any money invested in the hall itself? Remember we know it has absolutely no history of being haunted before an entertainment company purchased it. Seems like something Karl and Yvette would invest in don't you think? And the fact they have done a 3 parter here, and then with Yvette making such claims?

Karl starts talking about the place and states that everything has been happening around them and that nothing has actually been thrown at them. Erm Karl, did you forget the knife? These people are so dumb they cant even remember to repeat their own lies.

And with that the episode draws to a close.

Another waste of a couple of hours of my life.

This really was a poor episode, and no sign of Rose, so I have to give this a 0/10

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By Jon Donnis

3 comments:

The running around was just silly and so, so predictable. There seem to be two methods of creating the drama:

1. Someone (usually Karl) points and asks 'what's that', everyone turns and moves in the direction and then an event happens in the opposite direction, or2. They hear something in one direction, move to investigate and then something behind them happens.

These last 3 episodes took it to a new level though, and the way they charged through the building; like what were they hoping they were going to find? Bizarre. It's like they thought that if we run around as fast as possible it will raise the intensity levels.

I did as you suggested and plugged my headphones in and listened to that sound at 22mins. God damn that's some bad editing. Clearly the sound does cut off before the sound sample had finished playing.

A couple of other things I noticed when watching that bit again; think about where they are. They're in a narrow corridor with average sized rooms that still have carpets and furniture in them. The bang that is heard and echo that can be heard do not match what the acoustics them rooms would generate. We can also assume that the walls are probably concrete or plaster board, whereas the sound sounds more like metal on metal. Finally, when the camera pans to where supposedly whatever caused the noise is, you would expect it to be something of a substantial size, yet there is nothing.

All of them points are redundant however because as you have already made clear, the sound was added in after the event.

The bird cage incident was equally as ridiculous. When I first watched it and they went into that room and saw the cage looked like it was sitting in a sink, it just looked like it was put there intentionally. The fact it is not on a flat surface just makes it all the more easy for it to move with a little vibration.

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