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Language & Action In Moving…

I still don’t call New York home. And it’s possible that might start to help things…

I have gone through little spurts here and there where I start to call it home and then I kind of fall off. But as it stands now, every time I go to LA, I say I’m going home. And then when I’m coming back, I’m like, “I’m gonna go back to New York.”

And I usually then follow it up with, “I’ll be back in 28 [or however many] days.”

And I think maybe that language is hurting me.

[Edited to add: When I came back to LA yet again on one of my summer hiatuses, one of my friends commented that it’s like I actually still live in LA and I just commute to New York for work when they need me… which is actually kind of exactly what it’s like.]

I also still have stuff at my LA place – a bathing suit, toiletries, a towel, socks, a workout outfit, etc. I have stuff so I can come right in and be settled and happy while I’m there.

If I didn’t have super cool roommates and an amazing set up in LA… If I didn’t get to keep a home there, sometimes I wonder if that would affect my move – if I’d be more forced to just get in to NY and love it… or if I’d be more overwhelmed and/or stressed…

Or maybe I’d just take more little trips to Long Island and Philadelphia and such (as I’ve been doing).

I mean, I don’t know.

I don’t have to know, since that’s not the situation. But it’s all just weird to me how it’s working out.

It’s weird to me that when I dreeeeeeamed of living in New York, I said over and over that I didn’t understand people who wanted to go on vacation.

“How could you ever get stressed here? How could you ever, ever want to leave?” I’d ask.

“If I lived here, I’d never vacation, ’cause there is literally nowhere else on Earth I’d rather be.”

And now that I actually live there, I’ve gone away almost literally every chance I’ve had…

So, life is weird. Words are weird. Circumstances are weird. And perhaps I should change some of mine if I want to actually focus on settling in, in New York… or not. I dunno.