Linda Thompson’s Giant Beaver Blamed For Water Problems

(HARRISBURG) – Sources are fingering Harrisburg Mayor Linda Thompson’s giant beaver as the cause of last week’s water-main break that shut down several businesses along with city and state government.

An employee with United Demolition and Excavating, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Thompson’s pet beaver was to blame for the snafu.

This is not the first time Thompson’s beaver has been pounded. Among those who have come down hard on it is former mayoral spokesman Chuck Ardo, who has previously cited Thompson’s giant beaver as being among his reasons for resigning.

“To be sitting in one of those early morning prayer sessions in [Thompson’s] office with that giant beaver staring you down — that was some scary shit,” Ardo said. “It was like a car wreck. You didn’t want to look at it, but you couldn’t help it. It was grotesque.”

“I could deal with the prayers, incense, and goat sacrifice rituals that took place each day in Linda’s office,” said former mayoral spokeswoman Joyce Davis. “But there were many times in the course of conducting the people’s business that the mayor’s beaver interjected itself and I simply didn’t feel it was appropriate. She dragged that thing everywhere.”

Among those on the other side of the fence is attorney James Ellison, a close friend of the mayoral beaver. Ellison, whom Thompson has hired to defend her beaver, calls the claim from United Demolition and Excavating “a silly, baseless mischaracterization of a warm, friendly creature.”

City officials have also filed a preliminary claim with the insurance company representing the mayor’s beaver. Thompson said she began insuring her beaver “decades ago, even before I started letting people pet it.”