An Open Letter to Kourtney Kardashian

Posted Wednesday, November 30, 2011, at 11:01 AM

Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian. Oh Boy.

Dear Ms. Kardashian:

Please escuxe me for only having second or maybe third-hand knowledge of all things Kardashian, but I don't currently own a TV because I thought that mine was broken, so I gave it away to someone who works in my building. Turns out the darned thing works perfectly well and is now sitting in a church basement being used in a Sunday school. And I can't ask for it back because it isn't the thing to do.

This means that I miss the shows that I used to watch like "60 Minutes," when I was being intellectual, and the "Real World" and MTV when I wasn't. So that leaves keeping my ear to the ground, eavesdropping and the Internet, which is where I watch clips of "American Idol" and the like if I am to keep current.

And it was there (on the net and not on American Idol) that I learned that you were in the family way for the second time. The best thing I can say is that at least it is with the same man so that your children will have the same baby daddy, which is getting to be rare among Gen. X or whatever your generation it is now called.

The question is why are you so proud when you aren't even, pardon the word, married? Getting knocked up is no great feat because women, including the truly challenged, have been doing it for ages. The trick is in getting and staying married for more than a few months or even one or two years.

I mean you must know what this person is like when he is mad, did any of his past madness lead to a trip down to the precinct, how he feels about his parents, future goals and how he handles money to name a few and not just what he looks like in his undies and how many tattoos he has.

It's like the Japanese say, "Before you are married look with both eyes and hear with both ears. After you are married, hear with only one ear and look with only one eye." And the Japanese were right.

And you have to know someone pretty well before going and making babies with him, though the practice did make Ricki Lake and Jerry Springer and their sponsors pretty rich. You might say you don't need marriage. Well, you might not, but your children do. Like former vice-President Dan Quayle once implied, mMarriage is the best social security for children. The late, great anthropologist, Margaret Mead, said it too, and Dan Quayle and Margaret Mead were right because little sprouts from two-parent homes usually spend more time in school and less time in jail. Besides, you are (sort of) a role model, so the next time you say you have good news let's hear that there's going to be another Kardashian wedding in the future and not another bun in the oven.