At the conclusion of the physical
exam the doctor summoned his patient into his office
with a grave look on his face. "I hate to be the one to break
it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you have only
six months to live."

"Oh, my gosh," gasped Fred, turning
white. When the news had sunk in, he said, "Listen,
Doc, you've known me a long time. Do you have any
suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"

"Have you ever married?" asked
the doctor.

Fred explained that he'd been
a bachelor all his life.

"You might think about taking
a wife," the doctor proposed. "After all, you'll need someone
to look after you during the final illness."

"That's a good point, Doc," mused
Fred. "And with only six months to live I'd better make
the most of my time."

"May I make one more suggestion?"
asked the doctor. When Fred nodded, he said, "Marry
a Jewish girl."

Woman: "Doctor, I
don't know what to do. Every time my
husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a
real good medicine for that. When your
husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of
sweet tea and start Swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he
goes to bed and is a sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes
back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that
was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea.
I swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"

A doctor in Ireland wants to
get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.
"Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want
to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care
of the clinic and all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting, returns
the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"

Seamus tells him that he took
care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so
I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, Seamus, and the second
one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning
and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at
this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and
suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room.
Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch
of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies
down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, "Help me,
I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"

A woman goes to her doctor's
office, afraid of the strange development, a green spot on
the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't
scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The
doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and
tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's
phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

TopSubj: Laughter
Is The Best Medicine (S448b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/19/2005

Anything that's become a cliche
can't possibly be a groundbreaking medical secret.
Such is the case with the old saw, "Laughter is the best
medicine." Everybody knows this one, right? Of course,
but it's still interesting when science backs up the old sayings.

And according to an ABCNews.com
report from this past spring, a new study has elevated the
old laughter-as-medicine another rung on the credibility ladder.
Conducted by the University of Maryland, the new research
focused on the physiological reactions of a group of test
subjects to movies of various tenors.

The study group who watched a
funny movie experienced an increase in blood flow in 95%
of cases, while exactly the opposite was true for those
forced to watch a sobering or sad movie - 74% of these experienced
diminished blood flow. In the "comedy" group, the circulatory
benefits lasted 12 to 24 hours.

None of this surprises me, and
it shouldn't surprise you. Think about it: When you laugh
really hard at a something, don't your cheeks get a little
rosy? Most people's do. That's all the evidence anyone
should need that laughing boosts circulation. It's
literally written all over your face.

Presented at this past spring's
meeting of the American College of Cardiology, the study
points to a strong correlation between laughter
and circulatory/cardiovascular health. Past studies have
focused on laughter's stress-relieving capabilities
as a mechanism behind its heart-healthy benefits.
It all makes sense. Laughter does all sorts of good things to
us: It both reduces killer stress AND improves blood flow.
It also releases powerful, painkilling endorphins into
our blood.

Besides this, there's evidence
that laughing boosts immunity, too. A 2000 study of medical
students showed an increase in T-cell (viral killers) activity
in the blood while watching humorous videotapes. Other
research showed laughter to be beneficial against heart arrhythmias.

The punch line is this: Whether
there's evidence proving it or not, common sense tells us
that laughing is good for us on many levels. Do it
long and often and you'll live longer and healthier for it.

Two medical students were walking
along the street when they saw an old man walking with
his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend:
"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk
just like that."

The other student says: "No,
I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they
decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man
and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students
and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't
agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us
what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell
you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I
think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought..........
but you're wrong."

The other student said: "I think
you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.........
but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what
do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought
it was a fart........... but I was wrong."

TopSubj: Having
One Leg Shorter Than The Other (S440b)
From: LabLaughs.com on 7/2/2005 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

I have this friend who always
seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It
used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs
checked out. For years, he refused... told me I was crazy.
But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor
discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right.
A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured,
and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer
leans. "So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told
you a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at
me and said, "I, stand corrected."

A surgeon went to check on his
blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so
he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it
be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause,
which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I
will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after
having their tonsils out."

TopSubj: A Rushed
Visit To The Gynecologist (S418)
From: jbcary1 on 1/27/2005

I was due for an appointment
with the gynecologist later in the week. Early on
Monday morning, I received a call from his office to tell me that
my appointment had been rescheduled for that morning
at 9:30 AM.

I had just packed everyone off
to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 AM.
Since the trip to his office would take about 35 minutes,
I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take
a little extra effort over hygiene when making such
visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs,
threw off my pajamas, wet the wash- cloth that was sitting next
to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to
make sure I was at least presentable.

I then threw the washcloth in
the hamper, donned some clothes, hopped in the
car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for
only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the
procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was
in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when
the doctor said, "My, we've made an extra effort this morning,
haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the exam, I heaved a sigh
of relief and went home. The rest of the day was
normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school
when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told
her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the
one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles
saved inside it."

Two doctors were in a hospital
hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's
incredibly dumb. She does every- thing absolutely backwards."
said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient
2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave
him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second
doctor said,

"That's nothing. Earlier this
week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The
guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling
scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said
the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny
to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

TopSubj: Three
Ill Men See The Doctor (S402)
From: DafterLafter on 7/23/2004

Three desperately ill men met
with their doctor one day to discuss their options. There
was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a
Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three
of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one
more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's
office; each convinced that he would never again indulge
himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway
for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the
ale, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into
the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had
he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his
stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken,
left the bar, realising how seriously they must take
the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came
upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the
Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick
that up, we're both dead."

The effect was almost immediate.
He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there,
making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the
doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. The
sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years.
But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

UK's National Health Services
(NHS), already struggling with unreasonably long delays in
providing necessary neurosurgery to patients owing to a critical
lack of available doctors, suspended one of Britain's leading brain
surgeons, Dr. Terence Hope, for three days, pending a full investigation,
because he took extra croutons with his soup while
in the hospital cafeteria.

Writes the London Telegraph "...every
so often a tale crops up of such flaring, dazzling idiocy
that the entire nation is rendered quite breathless by
it."

The NHS defends their action
saying that they treat doctors like everyone else. But as
the London Telegraph writes, "But, as most members of the public easily
understand, hospital doctors are not just like anyone else: they
work long and often inconvenient hours, in testing circumstances, and
if a doctor is regularly working while exhausted or hungry it
will have a more dramatic impact on the general public than if,
say, young Harriet at the Tesco's meat counter is feeling a bit headachy
after a night on the tiles." [night on the tiles??]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl
was concerned that her daughter was probably having
sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and that this
would reflect badly on the whole family, she consulted
the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers
today were very willful and any attempt to stop the
girl would probably result in rebellion. He recommended
that she arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.

That evening, as her daughter
was preparing for a date, the woman told her about her
visit to the doctor and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and
reached over to hug her mother, saying: "Oh Mom!
You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

TopSubj: Asking
The Doctor If You'll Live To 80 (S342b, S521c)
From: DoctorDebt on 8/15/2003 and
From: allenbergmant on 1/12/07

I recently picked a new primary
care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests,
he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned
about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked,"Well, do you smoke
tobacco or drink beer?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never
done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye
steaks and barbequed ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all
red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in
the sun, like playing golf?" he said.

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive
fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?"

"No," I said. "I've never done
any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then
why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"

Three Texas surgeons were playing
golf together and discussing surgeries they had
performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon
in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident.
I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed
a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's
nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an
accident. I reattched them, and 2 years later he won
a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You
guys are amateurs. Several years ago a guy who was high
on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train
travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with
was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president
of the United States."

A physician claims these are
actual comments from his patients made while he was performing
colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're
boldly going where no
man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" 5. "Are we there yet?
Are we there yet? Are
we there yet?" 6. "You know, in Arkansas,
we're now legally married." 7. "Any sign of the trapped
miners, Chief?" 8. "You put your left hand
in, you take your left hand
out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." 9. "Hey! Now I know how
a Muppet feels!" 10. "If your hand doesn't fit,
you must acquit!" 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if
you find my dignity." 12. "You used to be an executive
at Enron, didn't you?" 13. "Could you write me a note
for my wife, saying that my
head is not, in fact, up there?"

A doctor tells a rich old man
that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon.
The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the
best heart available, money is no object.

A few days later the doctor calls
the old man and says he has found three hearts but they
are all expensive.

The old man reminds the doctor
that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about
the donors they came from.

'Well, the first one belonged
to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only
the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was
hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course.
But it costs $100,000!'

The old man waving off the last
part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about
the second donor.

'This one belonged to a 16 year
old long- distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean.
Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool.
That heart'll set you back $150,000!'

'Okay,' said the old man, 'what
about the third heart?'

'Well this one belonged to a
58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed
over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish...
this heart is going for $500,000!!!'

'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the
old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'

'Well', said the doctor, 'this
heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'

TopSubj: The
Mechanic And The Doctor (S315b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/8/2003

Jerry was removing some engine
valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart
surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the
side, waiting for the service manager.

Jerry, who was somewhat of a
loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat
you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised,
walked over to where Jerry was working on the car.
Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively,
"So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take
valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished,
this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you
get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the
same work?"

Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed,
shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your
work with the engine running."

A distraught senior citizen phoned
her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to
know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor
told her.

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition because this prescription
is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

TopSubj: Having
Lettuce Sticking Out of Your Ass (S667b)
From: sam.hutkins on 10/22/2009 A man goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, doctor," he says, "I hate to bother you, but I've
got a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bum."

"Let me take a look at that,"
says the doctor, "drop your trousers."

"Is it serious, doctor?," says
the man.

"Yes," says the doctor, "Quite
honestly, it's just the tip of the iceberg."

TopSubj: Giving
A Four-Year-Old A Shot (S612c)
From: tom on 9/28/2008 Working as a pediatric nurse,
I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization
shots to children. One day I entered the examining
room to give four- year-old Lizzie her needle.

TopSubj: Abnormal
Symptoms (S544c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/14/2007 A successful businessman goes
to the doctor to ask about some abnormal symptoms. The
doctor asks him, "What problems are you experiencing ?"

The businessman tells the doctor,
"I'm terrified of driving in dark places or with other
people in the car."

The doctor thinks for a minute,
then states, "That's easy to solve ... You have car-pool-tunnel
syndrome."

You can view these fifty-three cute
doctor cartoons and jokes on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.

TopSubj: Jewish
Man Has Son Do Operation (S397)
From: Imogenelumen on 8/24/2004 An older Jewish gentleman was
on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that
his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he
was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your
best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something
happens to me. Your mother is going to come and live with
you and your wife...."

TopSubj: Lethal Injections
(S395b)
From:igiggle on 8/18/2004 Nineteen percent of doctors
say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal
injection. But they also went on to say that the patient
would have to be really, really behind on payments.

TopSubj: Doctoring
A Doctor (S328b)
From: igiggle on 5/6/2003 Does a doctor doctor a doctor
according to the doctored doctor's doctrine of doctoring,
or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the other
doctor according to his own doctoring doctrine?

From: Joke-of-the-day.com on 3/19/2003
(S321b) I got the bill for my surgery.
Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks. --
James H. Boren

From: pns on 7/30/2003 (S341b) A male gynecologist is like
an auto mechanic who never owned a car. --
Carrie Snow

From: igiggle on 7/27/2004 (S392b) An American surgeon lecturing
medical students in Bristol, England, was asked if he considered
the operation he was describing a valuable one.
"Valuable?" demanded the surgeon, a little taken aback. "I raised
five kids on it."

From: sam.hutkins on 5/1/2015 (S954) A guy has a carrot in his ear
and a potato in his nose. He goes to the doctor, and the
doctor says, "You haven't been eating right."