Let Go

I used to carry a towel, beach chair and a kite in the trunk of my car. I had it there just in case. For the spontaneous getaway to feel the wind brush my skin, to hear the crash of the waves and the flutter of the kite tail. It was my way of disconnecting from the world…the problem is the world was often waiting for me as soon as I got back in the car. The memory just came to me as I was sitting here waiting for my car to be serviced, sifting through work reports while intermittently being interrupted by a salesman’s pitch to a little old lady about the car he just knew she needed. And I’m irritated and trying to remain a good human being although I’ve been sitting here for 4 hours.

I’m a few days away from my birthday and wonder if I’m knocking on the door of a mid-life crisis. So far, 2018 is not going as expected. I’m not sure what I expected, but I certainly did not expect this. I feel like I’m knee deep in a swamp of responsibility, endless commutes and lonely nights. Surrounded by people talking about weddings, babies, retirement and vacations. And all I want at this very moment is to find that towel, beach chair, kite and a moment where I can run away and disconnect again.

My word for 2018 is “let go.” It came at the end of last year as I felt God gently deal with me during several “bratty” prayer sessions. It was around September that I thought I’d start preparing HIM for what I believed was the end of a season. “You know, I did tell you I could do anything for a year…well a year is up Pops, now whatcha gonna do?” And when I found myself in November in the same situation as I was the year prior…well, the prayers got a little more turnt up. “MOVE ME, Lord!” “Where are you, God!” “Please! Please! Please! Show me what I’m supposed to do…MOVE ME!”

He answered, “You first.”

?!?!?!

What does that mean? Quit my job?! Move closer to work?! Take that job offer?! Go back to school?! I honestly had no clue as to what He was saying, but I did know He wasn’t telling me to do any of those things just yet. It was later as I was speaking to my good friend Jennifer that I realized my next step was to let go. After having that conversation with her, and watching her walk that out so well, I realized it was the word being repeated in my head and every place I turned. Let go of expectations. Let go of the need to know. Let go of uncertainty. Let go of trying to understand why people do what they do. Let go of my time table.

Let. It. ALL. Go.

And what I’m learning is letting go is a lot different from disconnecting. Letting go for me doesn’t mean to grab the beach chair and run from everything that is trying to vie for my attention. It doesn’t mean to drown out the thoughts and feelings temporarily only to find them pop up again at the most inopportune time. For me, letting go is starting to look like a dance with God.

I’m realizing that there were some things in my life (a heart’s desire, some relationships, my next move, etc) that I’d been holding onto for dear life to either control or figure out. Kind of like that really harsh Tango where you are thrown around and it is set to that totally dramatic music. Now, letting go is starting to look more like an ebb and flow of the most peaceful dance. Think Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers floating through the air “Cheek to Cheek.” Recognizing that something is causing me to want to hold on for control only to come to that natural place of letting go as an act of surrender, so that “thing” can dance with God…and if it’s meant to come back, it will, but only after God does His thing to release it back to me. When and if it does come back to cut in…it’ll hold onto me different.