Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Letters From HR

Week
One

Good morning dear office and happy New
Year! I hope everyone enjoyed the holiday. This is your friendly office HR rep
here to help you ring in the new year! I’m new around these parts and happy to
be working with you! Because of the incident with Fred in November, HR has a
new mission to improve office morale and as a part of that mission, I have
decided that this year the HR rep should be better about communicating with you
all through messages just like this one. Through the end of 1984, I will post a
letter on the front door every week with uplifting messages for you all to read
and think about for the remainder of the working days. My messages will usually
just contain an inspirational phrase to help you remember how important the
work is that you all do here! So please take a moment to read these messages
every Monday morning and help me make 1984 our best, and safest, year ever!

We’ll start this week off with an
old classic: When life hands you lemons, make lemonade! This is a message I
know each of us who is still here in the office can definitely use!

Cheers,

Megan

Week
Two

Thanks for the great first week. The
message for this week: A penny saved is a penny earned. Something we could all
remember on pay day this Friday!!! Smiles and laughs!

Cheers,

Megan

Week
Three

Happy Monday, busy bees! January
might be a little chilly and dark, but let’s not forget an important message:
It’s always darkest before dawn!

One note to the janitorial staff: I
noticed that the last few weeks these bulletins were removed by Tuesday. I am
hoping we can keep these up for the entire week. Could you please not touch
this one? Thanks! Your work is valuable!

Cheers,

Megan

Week
Four

Finishing out January with great
memories already. I know this was a difficult week for some of you when Fred’s
wife came by to view some of the damage. But I hope we can all look at these
types of things as positive steps! Small, but positive. Don’t forget: Drop by
drop fills the bucket!

JANITORIAL STAFF: I assume you
didn’t notice my message last week. Please DO NOT remove this sign. Thank you.

Cheers,

Megan

Week
Five

I know that some of you have become
involved in the law suit against Fred’s family. I want to remind you about the
importance of keeping conversations related to these law suits out of the work
place. You all have important jobs to do. There is nothing to be gained by
talking with one another about what different lawyers have promised you or
speculating about whether or not Fred intentionally brought that bear into the
office. Please, try to remember: patience is a virtue!

I would like to apologize for what
some of you viewed as a “racist” gesture in last week’s note. I did, in fact,
include a very poorly translated message in Spanish, which was intended for the
janitorial staff, whom I believed to be ignoring my messages asking them to not
touch these bulletins. I meant no harm. And while, as it turns out, the
janitorial staff DOES have some Spanish speakers, apparently assuming
this and writing messages to them in Spanish is “inappropriate.” Even HR people
make these kinds of mistakes! So I guess this week’s message:
Nobody is perfect!

Sincerely,

Megan

Week
Seven

I received a note from the
janitorial staff explaining that they have not taken any of these notes.
However, these notes have been taken every single week, usually on the day I
post them. This leads me to believe that someone in this office is taking them
down. I want to believe that you are doing this because you gain so much from
them that you want to keep them forever. Please stop this. I would be happy to
make you a copy each week if they mean that much to you.

This week’s message: Every time you
point a finger, three are pointing back at you.

Sincerely,

Megan

Week
Eight

I will have this door monitored this
week and I will find out who has been taking these notes. So if you don’t want
to get caught and severely reprimanded, I strongly suggest that you leave this
bulletin ALONE! I will not warn you again!

Seriously,

Megan

Week
Nine

To the person who wrote on the bottom
of last week’s note, “Why are you threatening to monitor the door? Why not just
monitor it and catch the victim unexpectedly?” I would have you know that I was
trying to handle this situation like an adult and give you the opportunity to
behave like an adult and not have to face the consequences of your
unprofessional behavior. You did not take this opportunity and instead took the
bulletin down the next day. Because I was monitoring, I know who you are.
Please report to my office by noon today.

Megan

Week
Ten

Last week the person who has been
taking these notes was supposed to report to my office and that person defied
my orders. I know who you are. I am giving you until the end of the day to turn
yourself in. If you do, I will ensure that the punishment for your behavior is
decreased significantly. I will not give you another chance.

Megan

Week
Eleven

I am NOT going to put up with this
any longer. If anyone has any information about who might be drawing pictures
of me with what appears to be a long stick coming out of my behind area and who
is taking these bulletins down each week, please report to me immediately. I
will ensure that you are rewarded for your information.

Megan

Week
Twelve

It has come to my attention that Tom
is the person who has been acting inappropriately. Tom, because I do not have
concrete evidence that it is you, I will not take further action at this time.
But I wanted to post this note today to let everyone know that I am on to you
and that I WILL be watching you. Tom, you're a complete jackass. And I hope that karma seriously pays you a visit!

Megan

Week
Thirteen

It is with heavy hearts that we
return this work week, mourning the loss of our colleague and friend Tom. We
are proud that if Tom had to go, he was able to go while performing such an act
of bravery. We are certain that his family will be proud of his efforts
whenever they see a school bus of children in the future.

On a personal note, as some of you
are aware, I wrote a message last week in the bulletin that some feel sounded
somewhat accusatory of Tom and that may have implied that I wished hardship to befall him. I certainly would not wish that of anyone, and certainly not of a
person like Tom, even though he was taking these notes week after week.
Unfortunately, that bulletin has gone missing (probably because Tom took it) so
you are unable to read what I wrote and see that I wished no ill will toward
anyone. Tom was a prankster, and I’m thankful for his congenial spirit, which I
will miss just like the rest of you as we celebrate this Easter season. Life is
precious.

Sincerely,

Megan

Week
Fourteen

Whoever took down last week’s
bulletin and replaced it with the one from week twelve will pay serious
consequences when you are caught. I hope that you think about the harm you have
caused. Because you have been too cowardly to admit to your wrongdoing, Tom’s
final moments were lived out under the whisperings of scandal. Tom was innocent
but because of you, his name was tarnished in the final moments of his life.

Week
Fifteen

Larry, are you the person who has
been taking these notes down? Rot in HELL Larry!

Week
Sixteen

The first person to take down this
note is a moron!

Week
Seventeen

You think you’re so funny changing
the words “take down” to “write.” I don’t care what words you changed. YOU took
the note down a few days later. I hope other people saw it so they could see
how moronic you looked!

Week
Eighteen

Didn’t get to collect the bulletin
last week? What’s that? Did the HR rep spend the entire week
camped out in front of the door from the early morning hours until late at
night? WHO’S THE MORON NOW!?

Week
Nineteen

I have decided that because it is
impractical for me to man the door at all times, and well after working
hours, to protect my bulletins, I will instead be displaying personal
information for various employees’ performance reviews each Monday on these
bulletins until the culprit comes forward. Think about what you’re doing to
your colleagues.

Janae:
Last year Janae’s half-year performance review listed her as “behind target,”
“slothful,” “distracted,” and “wholly unpresentable.” Janae, I don’t know you,
but you sound like a real piece of work! I hope I don’t have to start listing
your communicable diseases next week!

Megan

Week
Twenty

When I was informed about
Janae’s stage five cancer and her leaving work last summer to live out her
final weeks, I immediately took down the bulletin that I had posted. I am
certainly sorry for the things I shared about Janae. I did not know her and was
unaware that she was no longer employed in this office. I was also unaware that
her widowed husband still works in this office. I would like to formally
apologize to Larry for any of my behavior that he may have found disrespectful.
My predecessor, rest his soul, did not exactly leave me with organized records
and Janae’s file was clearly still in the wrong place.

I would ask that whoever made a copy
of Week Nineteen’s bulletin and has been hanging it around the office since
last Monday, please stop doing this, for Janae’s sake.

Week
Twenty-one

You know, I took this job because I
imagined that working for a church would be an uplifting
experience. I guess I was wrong! I don’t know exactly who is responsible for
spray-painting devil horns onto my picture in front of my office, but I can
assure you that whoever it was will be caught and reprimanded. You do not want
me to involve upper management on this. Thus far I have kept them entirely out
of the loop on what has gone on this year. I have done that for YOUR benefit.
But you are starting to run out of my good graces!

Week
Twenty-four

I
took a few weeks to clear my mind a bit and the vacation was well needed. I
know things got a little heated before I left and while I was gone I was able
to reconnect with the whole purpose of what we do here and I realized that if
we don’t get out of the office sometimes, we are all susceptible to
unproductive expressions of our frustrations. Fred’s bear incident just after
Thanksgiving was of course a perfect example of that. And I’m certain that if
Fred hadn’t fallen chest first onto the miniature steeple out
front during the chaos inside, he would tell you today that a little time out
would have done him some good as well. That’s why I have proposed and obtained
approval for an office team-building afternoon out in the warm summer sunshine
for this Friday afternoon! Bring sunscreen!

Week
Twenty-five

Because of the very disappointing
behavior that took place during Friday’s team-building activities, all team-building
activities will be cancelled for the foreseeable future.

Week
Twenty-six

Whoever wrote “mission accomplished”
at the bottom of last week’s bulletin, I hope you think about the damage you caused
in your efforts to get your own way. I’m sure Denise is grateful for the second
degree burns on her scalp and consequently her half-bald head. I do not believe
that Bryce was acting alone, but I am certainly pleased that he was terminated
for his conduct.

Week
Twenty-seven

Welcome back Denise! The team missed
you and looks forward to some great days ahead!

Week
Twenty-eight

In response to the accusations, I
did NOT mean anything whatsoever by my use of the word “ahead” in last week’s
bulletin. Denise’s injuries are unfortunate, and I am the last person in this
office who would think that they are the source of jokes.

Week
Twenty-nine

Hey everyone! Great to be back here
for another week! I look forward to working with such a talented and impressive
team! Don’t forget, you’re only as strong as your weakest teammate! Let’s do
some good! You guys inspire me constantly!

With
gratitude,

Megan

Week
Thirty

Hello again! The jokester who took
last week’s bulletin got me again! I am so impressed with your tenacity and
spirit!

Hey, one quick personal note this
week, if you don’t mind: My son is raising money for the color-guard team at
his school and is asking for pledges. Basically, you just pledge a certain
amount of money for how many times he can march back-and-forth across the
football field within a twelve-hour period. If you care to donate, I will have
the sign-up sheet just outside of my office! Thanks in advance!

Cheers!

Megan

Week
Thirty-one

Whoever pledged “Megan’s fake boobs”
on the sheet last week has made it clear that this office needs a little
refresher course on what constitutes sexual harassment. We will be conducting a
FOUR-hour lecture on this tomorrow afternoon. You can thank your hysterical
coworker for this.

I will leave the signup sheet for
pledges on my door until Wednesday. I sincerely hope you will consider pledging
something as I’m certain the time will come when your child will need donations
for his or her bail.

Week
Thirty-two

Writing “something” on every line on
the signup sheet is the weakest joke you have come up with all year.

I will not ask you again. Do NOT
remove these bulletins. They are to stay on the door until I replace them with
the next bulletin.

Week
Forty

I’m back! I was hoping you wouldn’t
have gone to any trouble with a welcome sign or any indication that I was
missed, and you didn’t disappoint! It’s like you didn’t even know I was gone!
The almost two months I spent in training were very refreshing, primarily
because I got to spend them away from you jack-asses. I learned many new tricks
of the trade and because of your shenanigans this year, I want you to know that
I’m going to make working in this office a living HELL for you people for the
remainder of your careers.

Megan

Week
Forty-one

I did not see the surprise
welcome-back party, which occurred moments after I posted last week’s bulletin,
coming. Thank you so much for thinking of me. I can only imagine last week’s
bulletin was taken down by someone who hoped to protect me from the
embarrassment of getting upset over nothing. You guys really are like my
family! Thank you.

Thankfully,

Megan

Week
Forty-two

Training this week. It is mandatory.
Please do not touch this bulletin.

Week
Forty-three

I refuse to believe that nobody
showed up for training simply because they didn’t see last week’s bulletin. You
heard me make the announcement orally multiple times. The bulletin served
merely as a reminder. While it is frustrating that someone continues to take
the bulletins down when I have asked nicely that they not do so, I cannot let
you blame your irresponsible behavior on this.

Week
Forty-four

We are approaching the one-year
anniversary of the Fred Bear Incident. This month, let’s honor the memories of
Janice, Brian, Tina, Christian, Justin, Florencia, Tino, Jasper, Jessica, Mark,
Peter, Jacqueline, Matthew, Tyrel, Jason, David, Ryan, Samuel, Daniel, Annette,
Stacie, Flick, Jose, Jon, Thelma, Teresa, Tami M., Tami L., Heidi, Janice,
Cynthia, the Gordon sisters, all of those who were injured but not killed, and
of course Fred. I know that many of you were in the office and have vivid memories of
decapitated heads smashing against the wall and limbs being ripped from the
bodies of your colleagues and friends. If you need it, please feel free to come
and see me this week. But let’s not forget that we have a lot of work to do! A
productive office is a happy one!

Megan

Week
Forty-five

I understand that this office
typically takes several days off for Thanksgiving. In an effort to save money
this year, we will be working on Thanksgiving week with the exception of
Thanksgiving Day. Please plan accordingly.

Your
HR Rep,

Megan

Week
Forty-six

As some of you know, someone let a
raccoon into my office over the weekend. This raccoon defecated on and
destroyed furniture. While this may have been intended as an act of practical
joking, I can assure you it is being viewed as an act of vandalism. An
investigation is ongoing and the person responsible will be prosecuted
accordingly.

Megan

Week
Forty-seven

I would think that with what
happened just one year ago, this office would know better than to bring animals
from outside into the office. I want you to know that the police are taking
very seriously the twelve stray cats that were released into my office this
weekend. I have been very patient all year with this behavior but I have given
you too many chances. I will be holding you financially responsible when I find
out who is behind this!

Having to work with you bastards all
year, I don’t blame Fred for what he did!

Week
Forty-eight

You all have just gone above and
beyond in your community outreach recently! Our jobs to help provide for the
homeless in this city sometimes seem daunting and impossible. I am SO happy
that you were generous enough to let the homeless in this weekend to take your
things and piss in your drawers! I mean, I know I didn’t ASK you if that would
be alright with you, but you’ve been letting so many animals in lately, I
didn’t think you would mind if I invited people off of the streets to come in, too.
Happy holidays!

Megan

Week
Forty-nine

BURN IN HELL! ALL OF YOU!

Week
Fifty

YOU
PEOPLE ARE THE MOST VILE MAGGOTS I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF MEETING! IF
SOMEONE TAKES THIS NOTE DOWN, I SWEAR TO YOU ON FRED’S GRAVE THAT I WILL DO
SOMETHING SO MUCH WORSE TO YOU ALL THAN FRED EVER DREAMED OF!!!

Week
Fifty-one

I
refuse to believe that nobody remembered to tell me that that magazine was
coming to take photographs last Monday to feature our office in an article
about churches involved in charitable service. I hope you are happy that a
picture of last week’s bulletin made the front cover. You have taken these
bulletins down EVERY FREAKING WEEK all year long and you just HAPPEN to leave
that one up last week?!

Week
Fifty-two

Just wanted to say goodbye. I
sincerely hope that my replacement is a serial killer. P.S. I HOPE YOU LIKE MY PARTING GIFT!

Megan

Week
One

Happy new year dear colleagues! I’m
excited to spend this year with you! I hope to make it a great one full of
positive energy. I know that there were some very unfortunate issues with your
HR rep Fred a while back and then even more with his replacement, Megan, last
year. I want everyone to know that I was able to visit Megan this week and the
doctors hope to transfer her to a more comfortable facility soon if they feel
she is no longer a threat to herself while she awaits her trial. In the
meantime, for those interested, Larry’s family will be holding a candle-light
vigil and prayer service in hopes that the remainder of his body will be found soon.

Punkin...never said you were, calm down and let's just say you aren't the first to have this idea. I've seen a variation of this in printed form, mind you, that goes back to at least the mid-70's. Shall we say that great minds come up the similar creativeness?

On the whole TU NO HABLA INGLES... before Christmas break (I work at a college BTW) we had our facilities send out an email telling us to turn off and unplug all of our equipment, which is completely normal if we're gone for more than a week. However, they added an addendum to the bottom of the email stating that we need to label any trash as BASURA. Listen, this is Texas and while I know my fair share of Spanish, I thought that comment was WILDLY inappropriate. Most of the time people know if a giant trash bag is sitting full on the floor it is trash. Actually, let me copy and paste this email so you'll know the ridiculousness of it:

The Winter Break closing of the campus will be Thursday, December 22 through Wednesday January 4, with the exception of the library.

• During this time be aware that the building will not have air conditioning and/or heat. Any access to campus facilities will be through the campus police department.• We ask that you please turn off, unplug, and disconnect any electrical appliances before you leave campus for winter break. • This would also be the perfect opportunity to clean out any refrigerators in your suites.

• If you have large quantities of trash please place in the hall and label it “Basura” this way the custodial crew will know that it is to be thrown away.

Thank you,Facilities Department

Needless to say, I HIGHLY doubt HR saw that email before it was sent out... :-/