Cheating: age-appropriate?

I handed the bartender my ID. She looked at it a little longer than bartenders usually do, I thought, and then she mixed my cocktail.

The night went on, and as I ordered a refill on my cosmo, the bartender said, “I have to ask you something.”

I thought she’d ask where I got my top, or who cuts my hair – but she said, “You went to Columbia high school, right?” I replied, “Oh, yeah, yeah…” and then she asked, “And you dated Michael Kelsoright?” and I said “Yes…” and she replied, “I dated him after you. We worked together, and I met him when he was dating you and Jackie at the same time…” and I nodded…and thought, he was?!

Obviously, I don’t care now – we’re talking about 12 years ago, but I definitely would have cared if I found out then. Cheating sucks, at any age. I got to talking with a friend the other night about how she thinks cheating is more acceptable, or understandable, when it comes to teenagers. She says they’re young, unsure of how to act in a relationship and it’s all a learning experience. She says teen relationships aren’t as serious as adult relationships, so the “rules” are different. She also doesn’t think that if someone cheats as a teenager, they’ll also cheat as an adult.

I disagree. I say it’s the beginning of really bad personality development and it’s inexcusable. It’s a betrayal of trust, period. I don’t know if age matters when it comes to how betrayal makes someone feel, or if someone will suddenly just stop the cheating pattern once they hit a certain age. It’s almost like developing a bad habit, I think.

What do you think? Is cheating at 16 less damaging than cheating at 30?

Amanda Talar

55 Responses

I agree w/your friend Amanda, I think teenagers are immature and disregard relationships when their at a young age, I think cheating at an older age is unacceptable- when your in your late 20’s early 30’s, you have the rationale to make mature decisions. Also at this age, you are prolly more indebted in your relationship to make such a foolish choice. all in all, cheating is unacceptable in my book, however, there are idiots out there, so learn to read people!

Cheating is cheating, and it’s just as easy to be hurt by it at 16 as it is at 30. I’m speaking from experience – at both ends.

I guess it’s possible that if someone cheats at 16, they might unlearn that behavior before they hit adulthood. We unlearn other bad habits, sometimes, right? But I think you’re right, unless someone is taught not to cheat when they’re young, they’ll be likely to continue the behavior when they’re an adult.

Amanda- I cheated once in my entire life and it was when I was married. I’m not married anymore and I don’t deserve to be. That’s the bottom line. Once a cheater, always a cheater? I hope not. I’m in a relationship now and I hope to never stray because she’s an amazing woman. And I hope she never cheats because I know first hand how much damage and pain it does to a relationship. I repaired my relationship with my ex to a point where we speak to each other very civilly. I have a good relationship with my daughters also but I don’t think it will ever be back to where it was before the divorce. Sorry, I guess I didn’t answer your question.

Cheating always sucks regardless of age. And it sucks when it not only involves a person, but it’s just as bad when it involves games, tests and yes, even taxes. When someone’s moral compass is broken, even a GPS won’t fix that kind of bad.

I don’t care what those 35 year olds who’ve been married for 20 years say, at 15, you’re incapable of being in a real relationship – therefore, you can’t cheat.

Is it cool to deceive someone and lead them on, no, that’s never a good thing…but come on, at 15, 16, 17, you can barely keep from giggling when someone says BREASTS on tv…how the hell are you mature enough to know what a relationship is and should be.

Personally, I think there’s a difference between unrealized expectations and actual cheating.

And that being said, teenagers are probably less likely to be involved in an exclusive relationship, which I think is probably healthy. If someone’s unilateral expectations are not the same as another’s, that’s not the same thing as being cheated on.

And on the other side of the coin, if someone says they are in an exclusive relationship and they are lying about that, it’s not okay at any age.

I’m with you, Amanda. I think cheating at any age is damaging to both the cheater and the cheated on. But I’m kinda with Goose too on the fact that a relationship at such a young age IS typically a lot different and less serious than a relationship as an adult. That being said, I fell in love for the first time at 15, he cheated on me and broke my heart into a thousand tiny pieces, and I eventually (after a couple long years) got over it and now he’s still one of my best friends. I did love him, even though I was only 15. And it really did break my heart, even though I was only 15. The difference is that we both had a lot more time to grow up and deal with it. He’s not that guy anymore, and I’m not traumatized by my first heartbreak because it made me stronger and more aware. The only real difference I can see is the time and growing that occurs after a cheating incident in your teen years, compared to the anguish of a cheating incident as an adult. I guess it’s kind of easier to bounce back when you’re young and have your whole life ahead of you.

Teens are wired to test their limits, break the rules and see what they can get away with. Adolescence is a time of growth and change. That said, it is no less heartbreaking when you’re 16 and your boyfriend cheats on you than it is when you’re 30. If anything, it might be even more heartbreaking at the time (though I agree with Lindsey that there are many years of growth ahead of you and you’re more likely to bounce back) because you’re young and idealistic when you’re 16. When you’re 30, you are likely more cynical and while you might not expect the cheating to occur, it might not come completely out of nowhere – although it may have a more serious lasting impact. Does that make sense?

Cheating is never acceptable at any age. My first boyfriend did that, but I was also guilty of it in a loveless marriage that felt impossible to get out of in my early 20’s. People do stupid, immature things when they are not happy or just don’t know what they want in a relationship. Some people will never understand, but others will learn and grow from the harsh experience, as I did- the hard way, financially and emotionally. I always hated the way I acted back then, but I believe if you learn, grow, and own up to those past mistakes, you’re a better person in the long run.

I agree with you Amanda. Completely. Cheating is still cheating no matter who does it and how old they are. It still hurts and it will still tear apart those involved. I mean, it’s not moral to do such a thing, nor should people say that “It’s okay” for teenagers. Yes, people make mistakes, but at that age they need to realize that it IS a mistake, not something to just toss aside as an experience of being young.

DeeDee – Ha, I’m not sure if she knew she was telling me something I didn’t know. I went home that night and laughed to myself, thinking I guess it’s true, cheaters will always get found out, no matter how much time it takes.

I agree with LAS and Lindsey… what is ‘cheating’ when you’re a teenager? Holding hands? A kiss on the cheek? And people who say that teenagers are incapable of having meaningful relationships at that age, talk to couples who were married when they were “high school sweethearts” and they’re still together 20+ years later.

I felt 1000 times worse when my “first love” at 16 cheated on me than when my boyfriend of 2 years did when I was 25. There is NOTHING like teenage heartbreak… I remember being a literal puddle of doom. Although… I did like the first one more…

Cheating sucks for the person being cheated on no matter what the age. I also think it sucks even if it’s just the holding hands or kiss on the cheek thing. If I have a “kiss on the cheek/holding hands” relationship with someone, and I saw them doing that with another… it would suck…

The problem is that people (all of us) use people that we are in a relationship with — no matter what level of relationship it is — for our own good. I mean, are you going to tell someone that you are dating that you want to date other people too? Probably not, because what if the first person starts doing the same and finds someone better than you and dumps you… So, you let someone think you are totally into the relationship while you continue to seek out other people for whatever reason. It sucks… and we all do it. And it’s really not fair.

Long time ago, I was dating (seeing?) two girls at the same time… and I told them both. I was single again shortly after that.

hm. I’m only 21 but I’ve never cheated on any girl I’ve been in a relationship with. I don’t get cheating. If you’re not happy, get out and get happy. Cheating is the end result of someone being comfortable with what they have but also wanting more. Of course people will argue, I didn’t know until I cheated…well you probably found out the second you were willing to engage in what ever it is you qualify as cheating. So why not just wait, tell your significant other and then go back? It’s not that hard to control yourself and there’s no excuse for lack of self control.
If you can’t be satisfied in one relationship and you cheat, I don’t think you will ever really be satisfied.
I don’t get cheating and I don’t think age is a viable excuse to cheat.

‘I am sorry, but what did that bartender hope to accomplish by telling you that 12 years ago in high school your boyfriend cheated on you??’ – DeeDee, she’s a woman…there is no statute of limitations on juicy gossip. Personally, I would have given her the stankest look of all time and then tipped her 19 cents. There is almost nothing I hate more than useless information form people that just like to feel like they know something you don’t.

While I agree that cheating is never ok I have to agree with your friend on this one. Most people are MUCH more insecure as teenagers than they are as adults. That being said I also cheated on my high school boyfriend, and would never ever ever ever cheat on the man I am with now. I just remember as a teenager feeling so flattered that some guy was interested in me I never wanted to give the impression I was taken because I wanted the extra attention. I think teenagers crave being liked more than adults do, where adults are more comfortable in their own skin. I really don’t believe that once a cheater always a cheater is true.

I think it’s a difficult question to answer at best. I’m not putting anything out there that people who know and love me don’t already know, but I’m a prime example of “once a cheater, always a cheater” not being true. I think sometimes it is, but for me and others I know, it’s not. I think you have to look at why the person was cheating, the place they were in their lives and if things were even that serious to begin with.

Lets be realistic… 15 year old realtionships are ususally based on one thing – ” oh your cute – wanna go out?” Have anything in common? “I dunno” Where do they live ? “I dunno”. Social skills are still evolving so how you can compare a 15 year old “cheating” on someone they have been dating for 2 months (a lifetime to them) to a 30 year old cheating on their spouse is the same thing?

Should anyone cheat ? no – of course not. If you are unhappy in your relationship, break up. Then move on. But comparing teenagers to adults is comparing apples to oranges.

Do you actually believe that there should be no expectation of honesty and honorability from someone who is 15, 16 or 17?? – I don’t expect ANYTHING deep, meaningful or reliable to come from a 15 year old…ESPECIALLY when it comes to relationships.

Do you think the “character fairy” visits you some night after your 18th birthday and sprinkles integrity dust over you and POOF … you have scruples??? Yes, if you’re still living at home. If you’ve decided to make something of your life after (hopefully) graduating high school, then no. I think the character that’s been built up slowly and steadily over the past 17 years has finally ripened and is ready for public consumption.

Get real. Someone else already has that name, I’m Goose

And you have the nerve to suggest that someone else’s post qualifies as “dumb-ass”??? – Yes, yes I do.

If you are actively deceiving someone whom you have led to believe has an exclusive relationship with you, so that you can secretly be with someone else … you are a cheater. We already came to that conclusion but thanks for the recap.

Age not withstanding. Did your 16 year old boyfriend cheat on you with the star quarterback? You seem hurt. I’m sorry. Next time, date a golfer, they never cheat. Wait..nevermind.

‘How about finding out your bf is cheating on you with your best friend.. so in return you go for her bf, to call it “Even”. Is this not acceptable at age 17?’ – I know a woman who did that last summer, she’s 42. ha ha
I guess Jerry is right, ‘Age not withstanding.’

“Once a cheater, always a cheater,” might be true in some cases but it is not an absolute. Can it be devastating to a teen girl? Heck yeah, given the emotional state of 99% of teen girls. (Believe it or not, I still have vivid memories of those days 😉 ) But does it mean that a teen boy, whose gonads are both screaming, “ME FIRST!!” will grow up to be a serial cheater? I don’t think so.

As for Dee Dee’s question asking why the bartender needed to mention that Kelso was cheating: Goose, I think that question was rhetorical. Dee Dee’s making a point. Juicy gossip? Possibly. I got the sense, though, that the bartender took a shot at Amanda. Sort of like saying, “Ha ha, your boyfriend cheated on you! And then he came to me. Nah Nah!”

I disagree entirely with you on one matter, Goose. I would have tipped her 15¢, thereby saving myself the hassle of digging 4 pennies out of my purse.

Apparently, you all grew up in the 1920’s based on your views of teenage relationships. Maybe there is a lack of maturity, but you do expect high-schoolers to know obvious differences between right and wrong (like cheating).

“Once a cheater, always a cheater” I don’t completely believe in that saying, but I think for some that action early in their lives can sprinkle in the fact that as I get older I may be able to do this as well if not caught. Especially for us guys, oh my gf will never find out Ive done it before. So if the habit starts young it may only grow stronger for SOME as we age.

Making mistakes is part of growing up. It is enforcing the idea that cheating is a mistake that’s important.
The idea that “everyone does it” is reinforcing that it is okay to do.
While you cannot expect a kid in high school to be perfect, you can hold them to high standards.
My parents did and I didn’t cheat because I had respect for other people’s feelings (and a healthy fear of my dad). Now that’s not saying everyone needs to be that way, we all learn differently. Cheating in high school doesn’t relate to cheating in later life, however cheating in later life does point to a major character flaw.

“I don’t expect ANYTHING deep, meaningful or reliable to come from a 15 year old…ESPECIALLY when it comes to relationships”.

For the sake of the world at large, I hope that you are not now, nor will you ever be … a Father. People, even adolescents, who have character and integrity, usually were taught how to conduct themselves by their parents.

Sounds like you’re not quite up to the job.

“Did your 16 year old boyfriend cheat on you with the star quarterback?”

Period “You seem to have yours”

Since I am both male and straight, this question and the menstrual reference present two puzzling non sequiturs and are based on your own stupid and erroneous assumptions.

What else would you like to be wrong about today or will this fill your quota?

I agree with you Amanda. Regardless of age, it is still inexcusable and as you said “it’s the begining of really bad personality development”….my EX boyfriend, before we started dating and we just had mutual friends, used to brag in front of me how in highschool he cheated on all of his girlfriends, how he would be screwing one in the locker room while his girlfriend waited for him to come out after practice…..but said he was mature now and over that and would never cheat. Wrong. He cheated on me numerous times I found out later in the relationship and got out of that quick. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Yeah, people can change, but I think that urge for them will always be there,they like the thrill of doing something bad behind someones back and not (hopefully) getting caught.

Seeing two or more people at once is not cheating unless you have verbally confirmed with someone that you are now in a monogamous relationship with them.
Nothing should be assumed. I don’t believe many children (HS, MS, college, whatever) actually communicate this detail and it leads to the heartbreak of the person who wrongly assumed that the person they were seeing wanted an ‘exclusive’ relationship.
However, if the relationship is definitely one that is confirmed monogamous then it doesn’t matter how old you are. If you can’t handle the committment, don’t go around making false promises.
No one gets the benefit of the doubt when it comes to common sense.

Sure, in college I cheated with an ex of mine a few times. Too much opportunity, not enough willpower, lingering feelings at the time. Didn’t work out with either.

When I eventually found THE ONE, who I’ve been with and married to a long time, I have not once considered cheating and never will. Prior “relationships” never really were serious and I never considered any of them someone who I’d eventually would marry. Since I first started dating the Mrs. I took the relationship seriously.

So I do not believe in the cliche and think there is a difference between a teen cheater and an adult cheater.

Im in college so im not sure if this counts as being more older or younger (probably younger but im sort of in the middle) and its hard not to have disloyal thoughts sometimes. I dont act on these actions but sometimes I think of stupid reasons that would justify why I would. Im currently in a relationship and it has been very long term and im planning on it staying that way I could picture us getting married someday. Sometimes I feel like maybe I do need to experience other things before I can settle down for the rest of my life, but maybe im being too immature to think about marriage in general?

I agree with your friend. Teenagers barely know themselves enough to know what they want and who they want it with. Sure, being dishonest is a bad thing at any age, but, as the saying goes, ‘When you know better, you do better.’ I remember being very sneaky as a kid and I lied to my Mom A LOT. But, when I matured enough to realize, not only can my lying be hurtful to others but also makes me look really bad as a person, I stopped doing it….for the most part. I don’t think there’s a person alive who NEVER tells a lie but I do pride myself on being a pretty honest and trustworthy person. That being said, I would not judge any adult on their behavior as a teen cause, Lord knows, I wouldn’t want anybody to judge me on mine!