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Thursday, December 24, 2009

I like that there’s a synonym for heroin that is also a synonym for penis. Now all I need to do is find a macho addict and proceed to snicker uncontrollably.

“I’m going to go take a load of junk.”
“K. Just curious. Where do you get your junk?”
“There’s this guy named Raul out on 20th and K. His junk will make your eyes roll back.”
“Ah. You do it in one of those clubs out there?”
“Yeah. Well, you can’t take it out in front of everyone. You have to take it in the back.”
“Oh.”
“It’s 2009 and some people still aren’t ok with that kind of thing, you know?”
“Totally.”
“I mean, you lived through the 70’s. I’m sure you’ve experimented a little.”
“I was born in ’82.”
“Well, you’ve at least thought about it.”
“Of course.”
“And?”
“Doesn’t seem all that appealing, actually. I’ll pass.”
”You’re just not wired for that kind of thing?”
“Right.”
“Yeah.”
“I prefer vagina.”

Why is an 80 year old woman reading a magazine with a teenage bulimic and the words “Get sexy hair and glowing skin?”

To save me the trouble of thinking she just might be someone I’d enjoy conversing with.

Internet porn must be like a slap in the face to Stephen Hawking. It’s a good thing he can’t slap back.

Actually, though we’re all safe, I think he could fuck up the internet if he really put his mind to it.

He’s probably better off staying away from those sites. If he gets a virus, he also gets Tourette’s.

You laughed, too. See you in hell.

I kid, of course. There is no hell. Ask Stephen Hawking.

I actually really admire the guy. If there was ever a way for me to take a class from him, I’d jump at the chance (sorry again, Mr. Hawking). Especially if it’s mid-virus, when there’s a real chance of him yelling “Bitchfist!” during a lecture on black holes.

Recent internet ad: Eat one fruit to lose a size fast.

That fruit: methamphetamine. Between the Reagan administration and Prop 215, I’d say we can categorize meth as a fruit.

But just in case, let’s consult an authority on the matter.

Pac Man says, “WAKA WAKA WAKA,” which means “Yes. Oh god, yes.”

If I ever have kids,

First of all, holy crap. Those poor kids.

I’d give them that toy where they spin the wheel and “The cow says ‘MOO,’” or whatever the shit it lands on, only I’d change the pictures, re-record the voice box, and use fictional characters.

“Pac Man says ‘WAKA WAKA WAKA.’”

“Raphael says ‘COWABUNGA.’”

Jesus says ‘YES I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, UNTIL THE VERY END OF TIME.’”

Sorry. That was Obi Wan Kenobi.

"Jesus says 'SI ESTOY CONTIGO PARA SIEMPRE, HASTA EL FIN DE TIEMPO.'"

In retrospect, I owe at least 50% of that joke to James Fluty.

And the other half goes to the man upstairs.

Do you think the Twilight phenomenon will result in Santa becoming sexy? He's already a creepy old immortal who likes to stalk little kids.

McGruff was dressed like a flasher.

Things that make me smile:
Knowing that every man in the world just said “duty.”

=

The clean-cut look never lasts long on me. I just googled Ringo Starr for style tips.

It is a small dream of mine to see Matisyahu all thugged out while still providing Jewish-friendly raps:

“Hey, oy.

Oy.

Check it.

This one’s for all my bitches in the 805.

And Mashiach.

I got lox like Vivica Fox.
I drop shocks
In the Benz when we’re knockin socks
Like it’s business time.
I make ‘em moan in rhyme.”

He never was very good. But at least then, he’d have strong morals and bitches.

I picked up a challah and money fell out.

True story. Some may follow such a statement with rude comments, but I’m stuck thinking “Teach me your ways.”

Challah makes for good French toast, which is a cultural nexus just odd enough to not anger anyone.

I like French films. They have a quality and sophistication that you just don’t find in American cinema. My favorite would have to be (subtitled, of course) The Karate Kid. Here’s a sample:

Mr Miyaguet: “Repeat after me. Croissant! Croissoff!”

Danielle-San: “This is shit. I need a cigarette.”

If you can’t spell the name of the town you live in, you probably shouldn’t be using a credit card. I got one from “Antelop.”

I told her to fuc herself.

Someone told me they were “Doing time. Literally.” How does this work? Is it like that scene from American Pie? And where do I approach this as a writer? “Minuteman?” Handjob?” “Hot, cock on clock action?”

“Hey, what’s up?”
“Not much, just
”

That’s almost as good of a porn star name as Monty Python.

“What is your name?”
“What is your quest?”

Free porn movie idea: Monty Python and the Search for Holey Gail

“How do you know so much about swallows?”

It writes itself.

Christmas is…Oh! Oh, god!

Premature. By now, we’re already sick of the lights and the songs and the “I want, I want,” but at least the kids are behaving.

My generation has a warped sense of relationships. Our parents sat us down in front of Disney movies so we paid less attention to them fighting. We then tired of Disney just in time for us to become interested in porn.

At least it was an easy transition.

I should start recording the sounds of opening and removing refried beans from the can. If I had the free time, I would turn it into the grossest techno song ever.

Some rich fuck needs to hurry up and sponsor my ass.

Does Mexican food make your moustache grow? Because it’s working.

Neat freak (n): One who gives his girl a Clean Sanchez

If you’ve never made a burrito that was good enough to make you touch your nipples and say, “Oh, fuck yeah,” we need to have dinner at my place.

The blind woman ninja who said “Nice to see you” has no skills compared to the blind man ninja I just saw. He signed his name.

George Foreman be damned. Chris Webber has the real marketing opportunity.

Fuck the blind woman who said, “Nice to see you.” I met a real ninja: A deaf man in a heated debate on pronunciation.

I get a little excited every year around Thanksgiving, because for a split second, I think Black Friday is an upcoming, retro ‘70s Blacksploitation kung fu detective movie.

It was during lunch in 8th grade, out by the backstop and just barely not out of view, now that I think of it. In her movements was a sense of clumsy determination to swing her hips just so to achieve the much-desired end result. I remember it like it was yesterday. But I’m sure you’ll never forget the first time you saw an afro bounce. That shit changed my world.

My dad told me when I was a teenager, “Don’t be a fool, Bono Isatool.”

I met a man named James Kirk, and what do you know, he’s a bit of a slut.

I tried cream cheese on toast, which was not nearly as satisfying. I need that hole. That space in between that reminds me just how much I enjoy eating it.

Seriously. My friends and family should just not read this.

Someone ordered a cake with the writing “Happy Birthday China.”

I think they’re going to need more cake.

Sometimes people just don’t know what they’re putting on their license plates. I saw a Toyota truck with the plate “TRDMAMA.”

I just had a brown baby.

Funny name: Upinder

Our president won the Nobel Peace Prize for a promise, and then 8 weeks later, he deployed 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. You know what we call that?

A Barack-tease.

Why why why are the penile excursions of Tiger Woods on the 10:00 news?

Because Leno now opens for the news, and you know he can’t resist the opportunity for a bad, PG-13 “Tiger Woods” pun.

=

The local news station conducted a poll, and 81% of participants collectively handed the station its junk with “It’s a private matter.”

Funny Name:

She did what to who for how many cookies?

Despite popular belief, Kenny G is not from Compton.

Is it just me, or does

I don’t know about you, but I can’t count the times I’ve heard, “Woooo! Kenny G! Take off your shirt!”