When’s the right time for a second baby?

I know. I know. It’s the inevitable question. But when IS the right time for baby number 2?

Thomas is a year old now. I want him to have two other siblings. I am 33. It took us over 2 years to get pregnant the first time. The clock is ticking. What happens if it takes another 2 years?

There are some other people that have been discussing when is the right time for them. Most of them come up with similar reasons. Hannah from MumsDays discusses some of her fears, and quite frankly I think every woman has them! Could I love another baby as much as my first? What will the pain be like? Can I handle a toddler AND a newborn?

Once you have decided on having another, at the top of the list is COST. Child care costs a lot of money these days and lots of families don’t have the choice to go back to work as they just can’t afford nursery fees (Beth has a really good discussion on it, see here.).

So am I ready for another baby?

Could I love another baby as much as Thomas? I don’t see how I could possibly love anything or any one as much as Thomas, there is just no room for anything else in my life- is that weird/crazy mum talk? I know people do have second babies and love them just as much. It’s just not something anyone can imagine…I am 100% positive that I will love him or her as soon as I become pregnant, I just can’t imagine it until it happens!

What will the pain be like? My labour with Thomas went smoothly, but was this a fluke? My body is a lot weaker now than it was before I was pregnant. I was really strong throughout my 1st pregnancy as I exercised everyday. But with sleep deprivation, I’m just not as strong as I used to be! will this make labour more difficult?

Thomas is still breastfeeding every 3 hours in the day and every 2 hours during the night (sob sob) so physically I’m not sure I am even ovulating to get pregnant! and how can I feed a newborn when Thomas still isn’t ready to finish breastfeeding? can I handle tandem feeding? I think not! But on the other side of the same coin- I’m up a lot anyway so maybe sooner rather than later will be good to have a newborn so I can get the sleepless nights out of the way now!

I am lucky to be in the position where cost isn’t really a factor as my husband has family money that can support us. I am definitely glad of the chance to be able to stay at home whilst Thomas is still so young.

I would also like to add a few other considerations that effect me:

Age. I’m 33 and I would like to have a second baby before I’m 34. This would enable me to have a 3rd child if I wanted to (I do want 3 children! but fear I have left it too late!)

Fertility. The clock is ticking. Fertility decreases substantially at after 35 years of age. I know a lot of women nowadays give birth in their 40’s but I want them now!

Sleep! I still co-sleep with Thomas….where will the new baby sleep? will Thomas go into his crib (will be a battle!) or will the new baby go into the crib??

Career. I do want to get back to work one day when all babies are a bit older….so I have to ask myself how much of a career break do I really want? I’d rather have babies closer together so I can get back to working at least part time when the youngest is 1 year or 18 months old. I quit my job just before I found out I was pregnant with Thomas and decided not to look for another job until Thomas went to nursery. My job as a development worker was stressful. It’s full time. I get phone calls in the middle of the night from countries like Kenya about funding proposals. If we don’t get them in on time, it could lose necessary funds which could help build wells and give needed vaccines and training….if they don’t get the funding, people will lose their lives. I didn’t want to put myself under this kind of pressure when I was pregnant. So I decided to take a career break. But it’s now been 2 years. The development sector is fast paced and I am already out of the loop. The pressure is on for me to at least find something part time. But part time jobs are few and far between because of the nature of policy and programmes work. I could go into another area of development like communications or funding to keep my foot in the door….who knows.

How will Thomas react? Scarey Mommy has some good advice about planning the introduction of a second baby to your first. I personally think Thomas will love someone to play with, but may get a bit upset about me not giving him 100% of my attention all the time!

How will I react about having 2? I love spending time with Thomas. I am looking forward to reading with him and going on walks with him when he can talk. I was an only child and have amazing memories of me and my mum just reading and drawing for hours. But if I have a younger child as well my attention will have to be split between two! I know I will feel guilty about not being able to give Thomas enough of my time…..argh mummy guilt!

We have already decided to have another baby, as soon as possible. Mainly due to my age, fertility issues and career. I think the close age gap will also be beneficial as siblings would have more in common and could play together. I just have to put my fears aside and be more like Vicki from Honest Mum in her second pregnancy!

I am currently checking if I am ovulating using Ovusense (will blog about it separately!) and am working out a plan to get the breastfeeding down to just daytime feeds!! (any advice welcome!)

I am also really thankful that I won the Zita West giveaway over on Vevios!!! Thanks Victoria! Her book on Planning to get Pregnant is really good! I wish I had it for my 1st pregnancy!

So what about you? are you ready for a 2nd? or have any advice?
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15 Responses to "When’s the right time for a second baby?"

So, I can offer no advice but I very much focus on the practicalities of the second child rather than the emotional side. I’m not saying I haven’t considered how it would feel to bring another baby into the world when I already devote myself completely to the one I already have, but I dare say I would cross that bridge. My mum said she was very aware that she held something back from me when I was born in deference to my older brother (who was only 2 & a half at the time) but that phase quickly passed.

But anyway, in terms of practicality, we have just bought a 2 bedroom house. We looked at a few 3 beds but only one had rooms big enough for our furniture (!) and it sold before we could offer. So any future baby would have to share with Gwenn. The costs and hassle of moving are too much to consider getting a bigger house now.

I wouldn’t be able to work (in a conventional sense anyway) if we had two because we wouldn’t have anybody who could look after both of them for free. All the money I earned from my current job would go on childcare for two and that’s not something I would be remotely interested in. So unless I find a way of making money while staying at home, we can’t afford another baby.

I was 29 when I got pregnant with Gwenn and got a positive test within 3 weeks of “trying”. I know it mightn’t happen that way again but if I were lucky then I don’t feel as if my time is totally running out. I’m 31 now and know a lot of mums who have has babies a lot older than that, though, like you, I’m not in the shape I was and so that would have to be addressed!!!

Not sure that you’ll have found any of that helpful, but it’s a subject I could wax lyrical upon!!!

What a lovely post! I love having my little ones close together. They are such great friends (and sometimes worst enemies!). The gaps for mine are 19 months, 25 months and 26 months, and I found that it was easiest with the gap of just over two years as your little one is not so little anymore. They have more independence, might have started potty training and do not need to be carried. They are also able to express their feelings a bit better and make themselves understood, reducing the meltdowns when you are looking after them and a newborn. As for the sleep deprivation… it will all sort itself out when they are teenagers (haha)!

I was hoping you would leave a comment Mel!! That’s good to know, my cousin just had another baby when her 1st was 19 months old and she said it was a good gap. I think around 2 years is good….but I think it may take me a long time to get pregnant again! I don’t think I’m even ovulating yet as I’m still breastfeeding every 2/3 hours! Thanks for the heads up about the sleep deprivation….I guess my day time naps will have to last a few more years then 😉 hope you are keeping well with the newest arrival! xx

I’m due baby number three in December – and when he is born I will have three (all boys – god help me!) under 3.5.

I fell pregnant with our 2nd when our eldest was only 7 months old. He wasn’t planned and I had all those concerns – money, whether I could cope with a toddler and newborn, whether I’d have enough time and love for them both. As soon as Alex was born (Harrison was 16m), all those fears disappeared. It was a challenge having two so close in age, but no where near as hard as I imagined, and they’re growing up to be best friends, and play together brilliantly, and I know when baby 3 comes along it will be fine. x #pocolo

It took us the best part of five years to have our first child, at which point my wife was also 33. Numbers two and three followed at gaps of 25 and 28 months, so Heather was nearing 39 last time around.

Obviously everyone’s different but physically she coped okay second and third time around (that’s not to say it didn’t hurt!) We had a lot of the same worries you’ve articulated – including career and co-sleeping! – but everything did work out and we love all three kids just as much as each other. I wouldn’t let concerns and statistics put you off, for sure. When it came to number three, we were concerned about fertility too – it then took us just two months to conceive. Just goes to show …

Hmm it is a difficult decision and I think it will be different for everyone. We knew we wanted two kids (we are debating a third), but it was still difficult deciding when to try. We eventually decided to aim for when Monkey is about 2 1/2. as he is getting a bit more independent and doesn’t need me quite so much (I ended up on crutches in my first pregnancy due to pelvis problems and it is looking though the same may happen by the end of this pregnancy) but with not too big an age gap. We were lucky to get pregnant quite quickly really but I am still terrified about how life is going to change, and how it has already changed really! Well done for making a decision and best of luck with it all! xx #pocolo

First of all, best of luck! I hope you have your wonderful positive soon! I don’t think there’s possibly a right time to have a second. My baby boy is only 3 1/2 weeks old and already I find myself calculating possible age gaps and weighing up pros and cons based on how I’m finding having a newborn! I have everything crossed for you and you will have so much love for both of your children xxHannah – Budding Smiles recently posted…What Are The Best Clothes to Wear When Breastfeeding?

I have a four-year age gap between my two because I had such horrible morning sickness with my first child, I was worried how I would cope with it when having a toddler. This gap worked out well as my then-three-year old daughter was quite understanding about mummy throwing up and just passing out in the middle of the morning. Good luck!

Firstly, thank you for the mention lovely. I knew that when you tweeted your post to me the other day and I read this, I would find it difficult. We are still trying, despite a miscarriage at the end of last year. I have similar complications and 10 years on you. Trying hard to get healthy and in shape at the moment so it happens. Thank you for linking to PoCoLo x

Dear Victoria, I am so sorry if reading this post was difficult for you, I didn’t realize! I hope it really happens for you, I will keep my finger and toes crossed for you! I am sure it will!!! and I don’t believe for 1 minute you have 10 years on me! xx

I feel excited for you just reading your post! You’ve articulated so well all the thoughts and concerns loads of us have when it comes to family planning… Then at the end of the day, we can’t even just make an order so they arrive when we’ve so carefully and considerately planned for them to arrive

We have three, and they’ve all taken quite a bit longer than we ‘planned’ but none so much as the first! …I hope your dreams come true <3