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Sunday, August 19, 2012

Composition of a Commitment-Phobe

Since I talk about myself being a commitment-phobe I thought I
should probably provide some sort of way for you all to identify a potential
commitment-phobe in your life. Basically what I am doing here is telling you
all about my terrible flaws when it comes to relationships and why I have never
had one. I don't know if that will be helpful or not but here goes nothing.....

10 Characteristics of a Commitment-Phobe

1. Hates or avoids holding hands.

I feel like this one should be pretty obvious
but for those of you who are trying to make an excuse don't. If the person you
are currently seeing refuses to hold your hand it isn't because they are
embarassed about their hands or are worried to have them out in the cold its
because holding hands with you signifies to every other potential hottie they
see that they are taken. That's right while on a date with you, even if they really
like you, they are scoping out other potential candidates. They can't help
it.... So if you aren't holding hands there is probably a reason for it and its
not whatever dumb excuse you make for them.

2. Dislikes the use of Nicknames

If every time you call them babe or
honey you see the person shrink as if someone just punched them in the stomach
its a pretty good sign you are dealing with a commitment-phobe. Just like the
hand holding thing if you are calling your partner something cutesy then that
signifies to every other potential person they are seeing while out with you
that they are taken.....and a true commitment-phobe just can't have that can
they.

3. Uses Nicknames when ALONE with you

This is an important distinction from the
above characteristic. In public a commitment-phobe will despise the use of
nicknames and do everything in their power to prevent their use. However, in
private they are the best friend of practically every commitment-phobe in the
world. Just by calling you hun or babe, you are beginning to think that they
care about you, when in reality those nicknames are just a clever way for a
commitment-phobe to not have to use your name. By not using your real name, and
sticking with a generic nickname, the commitment-phobe has basically made you
into a nameless drone who they can leave without feeling guilty and without
remembering your name in three months time.

4. Doesn't introduce you to THEIR friends

A lot of people lose sight of this one. If
you introduce the commitment-phobe to your friends they will undoubtedly mesh
well with everyone in the group. But if you never meet any of the important
people in a commitment-phobe's life it is a pretty sure sign that you never
will. They aren't expecting this to last long so why even bother introducing
you to the people who would encourage them to stay with you. Not even worth the
time for a true commitment-phobe. Its much easier if you are just their dirty
little secret, or the person they go on a date with that doesn't lead anywhere.

5. Never verbalizes feelings of Desire first.

Do NOT be the poor schmuck who always
texts first to say...."Miss You" or "Thinking of You" or
"Good Morning". Odds are the commitment-phobe will respond with
something nice like "miss you too hun" or "good mornining"
but deep down they're thinking...STAGE 1 clinger and getting ready to head for
the hills. Its great that you think you're going to be the person to change the
commitment phobia the person suffer from, but odds are you won't so just stop
trying....it's pathetic.

6. They leave their eyes open while kissing you

If the person whose mouth you currently have your
tongue in has their eyes open while you are feverishly making out odds are they
are a commitment-phobe. Two reasons why their eyes are open: One they are
searching for someone behind you that will be a future fun person or they are
afraid of who might be watching, or Two they are looking for the nearest escape
route. Either way its not a good sign.

7. Fu&*ing on the first or second date

Odds are if the person is really a commitment-phobe
the physical stuff doesn't mean that much. If they seem like they are trying to
get in your pants, but aren't really that interested into you then you are
probably dealing with commitment-phobe. Want to avoid this? Don't bang them on
the first two dates! If they are around past that you stand a chance at not
falling victim to the commitment-phobes traditional tricks. This of course
doesn't mean the commitment-phobe is a player it just means that the sexual
stuff isn't really important in terms of the actual person.

8. There is a mention of previous "partners" or people
that they were "seeing" or an "ex" but the words
"ex-girlfriend" or "ex-boyfriend" are never explicitly used

Now this one might seem a bit
nit-picky, but trust me it is a sure fire sign that you are dealing with a
commitment-phobe. Someone who has a phobia of commitment doesn't like to admit
it to themselves and will use whatever kinds of words possible to convince
themselves that they are able to do the relationship thing, but ultimately they
will never use the "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" word because
that signifies an actual commitment that they don't like. I know its confusing but
its a positive sign.

9. When talking about the future always refers to themselves alone

A little confusing at first glance but
pretty simple and a very good indicator of what you're dealing with in terms of
whether or not you have a commitment-phobe on your hands. The commitment-phobe
will enjoy talking about the future in a strictly theoretical sense. They will
discuss their life professionally, academically, or maybe even with you, but
they will never mix them together. For instance, the commitment-phobe is not
able to say "Well when you come with me to my Christmas party at work
afterwards we can just stop by my parents to drop off the presents." That
is just never going to happen. They may discuss Christmas with you but
will never explicitly mix you into their established traditions or
plans....that would make it real.

10. You have been together for longer than some celebrity
marriages lasted and still have yet to hear the words I Love You come out of
their mouth even in the heat of the moment

For the commitment-phobe the words I
love you are like the ring from the lord of the rings. The commitment-phobe is
like Golem and doesn't want to give them away to anyone at all in existence
besides themselves. This isn't to say they are narcissistic....just that they fear
what it would mean if they shared that with anyone. Even in the throws of
carnal desire they are guarded against using those words because they fear that
an observant person or partner would take them at their word, something they
fear more than anything.

And that completes my list of the ten basic characteristics of a
commitment-phobe.....take them for what they are. Learn from them either how to
avoid a commitment-phobe or how to recognize your own inner phobia of
commitments.