Four Gifts for Mother’s Day

Appreciating the gifts our children have already given us.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” a wealthy, ambitious lawyer asked me recently at a dinner.

“You just did.” I smiled and tried to move away. I knew what was coming. It always somehow worked its way into even the most innocuous of conversations.

But he ignored my attempt to end our exchange and continued anyway. “Why don’t you start working full time now? With your education and intelligence, it’s such a waste for you to be home.”

I felt my shoulders tighten as anger rose up inside of me. I knew that question had been coming since I was the only writer and stay at home mother in a room full of judges and lawyers in my mother’s dining room. But I was used to it, and I had all my answers ready. How I had completed my Masters in Family Therapy degree while giving birth to and caring for three children under the age of three. How I had worked part time as a psychologist. How I had run parenting and self -esteem groups, and published extensively. How it was proven in every study that children need and depend on their mothers’ love and attention. How they need maternal devotion in order to thrive.

I stay home with my children because I’m selfish.

But I didn’t say any of that because I knew he had a point. There was still a part of me that wanted the money and applause. So I decided to be honest.

“I’ll tell you a secret,” I said. “I stay home with my children because I’m selfish.”

I let that sink in for a few seconds before I explained. “It’s true that I could be on the commuter train at 7am and hire a full time nanny. But then she would be the one who gets to wake up each of my children and give them breakfast. She would see their sleepy smiles and hear their dreams. She would get to watch them get onto the yellow school bus. I’m selfish because I want that for myself. And I could find a good baby nurse. But then she would be the one to see my baby’s first smile and watch his first steps. She would hold him when he cries from an earache or a scary dream. She would be the one to rock him and comfort him. I’m selfish. I want that for myself.”

I wasn’t sure he understood what I was trying to say, but I continued anyway.

“I’m sure my kids would be fine if a babysitter opened the door when they came home from school. Children are resilient. And they’re going to grow up either way. It’s not my kids who will miss out if I can’t read them a bedtime story and say Shema with them before they go to sleep. It’s me. I’ll miss out. And I’m selfish. I want to be the one to serve them a warm snack and listen to how their day was. And when they grow up, I will know that I had these precious years that I spent with them. Because work doesn’t run away but time does.”

The man sat silently for half a minute as he mulled over my answer. “Wow, lucky kids. Never heard that before. That sounds like a secret to happiness. You should write about that.”

“Maybe I will,” I said as I picked up my glass of water.

As Mother’s Day arrives I think about that conversation and about the “gifts” that we receive every day from our children. Here are four of the many gifts from my children that I am keeping for as long as I can:

1. The Gift of Play. Children help us hold onto the joy of play. Whether it’s finger painting in the kitchen or running across a soccer field. Climbing on the playground or going upside down on the newest roller coaster. Hiking through the forest as the spring flowers bloom, children notice the little things that we too often overlook. The rainbow in the puddle. The butterfly on the log. The way the wind feels when you run together across the grass. The freedom of watching your kite take flight and almost touch the sky.

2. The Gift of Stories. Children give us stories. Sometimes they don’t make sense. Sometimes they go on endlessly with random pauses in the middle for full effect. But if you take the time to listen, you will learn some incredible lessons. About how the world looks from an innocent perspective, not yet tainted by the world. How the imagination can overcome so many obstacles that often block our way. And how sometimes a story doesn’t have to have a definite ending. Sometimes it’s the telling itself that connects us and teaches us and helps us see new possibilities.

3. The Gift of Giving. Children need us the way no one else ever has or will. They need food, clothing and shelter. They need love and guidance and warmth. But perhaps more than they need to receive, we need and want to give. The ability to give is a gift that deepens each time we use it. It’s a blessing that transforms us. It moves us beyond our narrow definitions of self and expands the potential of who we can become.

4. The Gift of Growth. Children embody hope itself. From the sweet newborn scent of our babies through the many ‘firsts’ that every child goes through, raising a child is an exercise in constant beginnings. The first tooth. The first step. The first day of school. The first time she learns to ride a bike. The first time he drives on his own. The first date. The list goes on and on. As parents, we are not only witnesses to growth, but we are partners in each new stage. And we grow in ways that we could never have dreamed of before we were blessed with children.

Maybe we have this whole Mother’s Day thing backwards. Perhaps it’s a day for mothers to appreciate the gifts our children have already given us. On this Mother’s Day I keep these gifts, among many others, close to my heart. And I whisper my secret to my children as I watch them sleeping, a sliver of moonlight falling across the floor.

“I love being your mother. Thank you for the gift of your presence in my life. It’s a blessing that I’m going to keep just for me.”

Related Articles:

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Sara Debbie Gutfreund received her BA in English from the University of Pennsylvania and her MA in Family Therapy from the University of North Texas. She has taught parenting classes and self-development seminars and provided adolescent counseling. She writes extensively for many online publications and in published anthologies of Jewish women's writing. She and her husband spent 14 wonderful years raising their five children in Israel, and now live in Blue Ridge Estates in Waterbury, Connecticut, where Sara Debbie enjoys skiing and running in her free time.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 15

(11)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2014 3:53 PM

Doesn't have to be all or nothing

I enjoyed this article, but I'd like to say that it doesn't have to be 'all or nothing.' I'm a CPA and a mother of 4. B"H" I have a job that allows me to drop my kids at school and pick them up as well. I work part time and work from home most days. When my oldest two were babies I left my job to be home for a few years but now I'm much happier working part time. I feel fulfilled, being able to help pay for tuition and bills, while I'm also able to give my kids breakfast and pick them up from school as well. I am truly blessed from Hashem to have found this job and I realize not all jobs are as flexible as mine.

(10)
Bracha Goetz,
May 9, 2014 12:31 PM

Awesome!

Anonymous,
May 9, 2014 9:53 PM

Who founded Mother' s Day & Why

I just read that the American Women of the Revolution created Mother ' s Day in protest of the Civil War. They wanted to stop their children from going to war. I stand by them more than 100%. " We do not live by the sword of murder ( G- d forbid ) ; but by the book of justice. " As civilized people , I find war a unacceptable solution . " War what is it good for ? Absolutley nothing ".

(9)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2014 9:50 AM

Funny coincidence

Hi Sara Debbie Gutfreund,
Just a quick "how is this for coincidence?": my sister's name is Sara, I'm Debbie, and we're 'Gut freunds' which is German meaning 'good friends'!!! Wishing you a wonderful Mother's Day! Your article was tops! I enjoyed its truths! Yes, children are an heritage of The Lord , and the fruit of the womb is his reward! Psalms... Isn't it our privilege and Godly duty to pass on our spiritual essence to our children? It's difficult, to say the least, if we leave their rearing up to nannies and state!!! Bravo Debbie for being a REAL mother in Israel!!! Lots of love, ?

(8)
Mary,
May 8, 2014 11:39 PM

events that will never come again.

She is so right. Many mothers sacrifice all those first in order to work; but they will never come again. Employment , especially in high demand fields, will be there, but the children will have grown and one will have misses all those first.

(7)
Helen Schwab (Chaiah),
May 8, 2014 10:50 PM

OMG! Brought tears to my eyes! & I'm a mother of eight!

I can't thank you enough for writing this. We lived simply & I stayed home, working part time from home. And I now get to spend precious time with grandkids. But it saddens me that today my married daughters work, to pay their kid's tuitions mostly. Can anyone tell me why our kids secular classes are not paid for from our property taxes, as we pay for kids in public school? Is it a matter of control over content? - a Bubby of many, B"H

Anonymous,
May 9, 2014 9:39 AM

Heritage

You hit the nail on the head there about control of contents! Isn't it our Godly heritage to pass on our spiritual essence to our children? Have faith !

Chavy,
May 9, 2014 4:14 PM

I could have written the same thing!

This article was so beautiful. Helen, I also stayed home to raise the kids and I'm so sorry to see how hard they have to work now that they are married. It saddens me that they can't be there with their kids as much as I was. But I also admire them so! I don't know how they do it. I needed that time at home just to get things done. Now, as a Bubby, I work part time, but I still feel that I could use more time at home. The "kids" still need me, Thank G-D!

(6)
Erica,
May 8, 2014 9:50 PM

Moved to tears

Debbie, Your work is always great- but this is at a whole other level. I also am a UPenn grad- I work only part-time and I know in my heart that I want to spend as much time with my children as I can. And yet, on the day to day basis, I can forget why I love it or get sucked into my 'work' when it's supposed to be kid time. Thank you for reminding me... you are an incredible inspiration!

(5)
Debbie,
May 8, 2014 6:10 PM

Me too.

I feel exactly the same way, and that's why I stayed home with my daughter. I also, selfishly, wanted all those magic moments for myself. There are many benefits to working, like money (!), but nothing replaces that precious baby and child sweetness. I don't regret a single minute.

(4)
Caryn,
May 8, 2014 4:29 PM

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

What a beautiful article! It really touched me. In many ways. We live in a community where few mothers stay at home with their children. People often ask, "Do you work outside the home?" Perhaps I'm sensitive to it, but I hear/pick up slight vibes of condescension. I'm so grateful, baruch Hashem, I'm able to be home with my children. Your insights about looking at Mother's Day in a different way I think are so true!

(3)
Anonymous,
May 8, 2014 2:57 PM

It's not all or nothing

Children are indeed beautiful, and spending time with them is wonderful and fulfilling. That being said, you can still have many of these wonderful moments as a working mom--it's not all or nothing. I would never begrudge you your choice of being at home, but I resent the implication that I'm not truly mothering my children and only exercising their "resilience" by working outside the home! All in all, your choice is one that many make, and for good reason. You can justify and celebrate what you do by focusing on your own life, rather than simply contrasting your day to those of women who have made other choices.

(2)
Anonymous,
May 8, 2014 9:12 AM

Perfect

Wraps it up so perfectly. So important to read and keep in the forefront of our minds as we go through our crazy days. Thanks for writing this

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!