New Year’s Resolutions

When you’re young, you’re ready to go out and conquer the world. Your resolutions are a bit more awesome. I’ll become a billionaire.

As you get older, your resolutions become somewhat more reachable. I’ll take out the trash before my wife asks me to.

When you’re old, your perspective changes yet again. Let’s take a look at some New Year’s resolutions you might want to consider.

Resolution #1—Keep breathing. If you don’t keep that one, as academia says, “Additional resolutions are academic.”

Resolution #2— Do not give anybody words of wisdom. Absolutely nobody. Half of the people will assume you’ve forgotten any words of wisdom you ever knew, and the other half won’t think you knew any words of wisdom to begin with.

Resolution #3—Go slower. You’re already slow, so slowing down won’t be that much of a problem. I’m not talking about your brain, which if you eat enough Hot Pace Picante on Doritos, smoke will flare out your nostrils, and the heat is still not exiting as fast as it needs to, and it seeks another avenue in any direction. When it reaches your brain, you think you can think, whether you can think or not.

When I say go slower, I’m talking about your motion. Walking slower, driving slower. When you walk slower, people will always want to assist you. Take some pepper spray along to ward them off. When you drive slower, you won’t have accidents, and get your auto insurance cancelled. You’ll cause other people to have accidents, and get their auto insurance cancelled. A guy’s behind you. He’s saying to himself, ”This guy’s driving one and a half miles an hour. I’m going around him. Another car’s coming from the other direction.

Resolution #4—Be invisible. When you’re old, people think you’re not there when you’re there, but they suspect that you may be able to hear what they’re saying. If you become invisible, they won’t know you’re there, and you can hear every word they’re saying. Be ready to get your ears singed when they tell someone what they really think about you.

Resolution #5—Try not to be obnoxious. This is a tough one, because you’re already obnoxious. If you see a friend in the grocery store you haven’t seen for a while, a friend of both you and your wife, don’t be your old self, and say, “Was your face lift expensive?” She’ll frown, then she’ll slap your face. Say to her, “You’re hot.” She’ll smile, then she’ll slap your face.

Resolution #6—If you’ve been bull-headed all your life, don’t change. Remember at your age, people are always looking for anything that’s different about you. You suddenly become mellow, and they think you’ve gone over the hill. Convince everybody all of your decisions are set in a rectangular block of cement. Ignore those people who call you a blockhead.

Resolution #7—Be smarter than the Internet. For example you and someone else are having a conversation about George Washington’s wig, and the other person says, “If you go on the Internet and pull up a picture of George Washington, you can use the computer to give him a modern hairdo.” You say, “I told George he’d look freaky, if he wore that stupid wig.”

Resolution #8—Seek no pity. If you do, while you’re moaning and groaning, someone well-intentioned, and seeking just the right words will invariably say, “You look bad.” You don’t need anyone telling you what you look like. You can look in the mirror and tell what you look like. Go by the fire station. The paramedics will check you over. If they call in everyone at the fire house to stare at you, be concerned.

Resolution #9—Act young. Just don’t forget one thing. If your arthritis freezes your body in an odd position, you still gotta fit in the ambulance.