Susan McDonald: Sharing a night out with another couple can mean more fun and a better relationship

It happened a few times before I started to worry. Not worry, but wonder.

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Posted Mar. 30, 2014 @ 12:01 am

It happened a few times before I started to worry. Not worry, but wonder.

We’d be getting ready to go out for date night — which lately consists of me changing from my sneakers to nicer shoes and maybe my husband changing his shirt if he’s been working outside — and he’d say, “I wish we had people to go with us.”

He certainly did not mean the two teenagers living under our roof. Date night was created to escape them, and many a night we’d drive around aimlessly after dinner out because I just couldn’t bear the thought of getting home before the babysitter had them asleep.

No, he meant couple friends — partners of a similar age with similar interests, similar life stories to pass the time with on date night.

A little surge of panic tinged with anger welled in me. I’ve certainly never been accused of not holding up my end of a conversation, so it’s not like we sat silent at the dinner table on date nights, rearranging peas with our forks. Why suddenly wasn’t that enough, I wondered. Why would we need others there with us, especially since work and child rearing schedules mean we have precious little time for one-on-one conversations during the week?

So I asked him. Maybe there was a bit of anxiety in the question, but he answered gently.

“Because it would be fun.”

Hmm. Fun sounded good. Fun sounded like it might enhance date nights, which were fun but a little predictable. I wanted fun, too. So we talked about our possibilities at dinner that night, dissecting every option one by one. A good mix would be a pair of people that we both liked to be around, something that’s not as simple to find as I’d initially thought. Life is too short and time without the kids is too scarce to be spent working at having fun.

In fact, the more I thought about the concept, the more I wanted couple friends. I read about the psychology of it — being with people who like both you and your spouse reinforces your choice and your partnership or marriage. Sharing friends is another bond between partners. Moreover, such friends can offer support if trouble crops up in your relationship.

So where can you find them? We started accepting invitations that we’d previously turned down because they coincided with date night. Date night, we reasoned, didn’t always have to be just the two of us, although we did agree that we liked those quieter nights too. We’d go to dinner, to the movies, to outdoor music festivals with other couples we knew. Most were fun evenings of laughter and conversation.

We even branched out further to find new options, including:

Finding people with similar interests. My husband is very proud of his Irish ancestry and got involved in a local group of like-minded people who work to promote understanding of Irish music, language and culture. Through that group, we met a couple we’ve since traveled around New England to festivals and events with. The connection over ancestry was just the starting point of our relationship.

Hosting an event. Years ago, several coworkers and I would plan elaborate international dinners for our spouses and us. We’d choose a cuisine — Indian, Thai, German — and each bring a dish. We knew we liked each other and the spouses seemed to get along fine. More recently, we’ve hosted an outdoor dinner at home with couples we knew but who did not know each other. It made for interesting conversations and tangents.

It feels a little like dating. The strangers in the mix can be tentative and shy. But when the fire pit smoke settles, it’s quite obvious who the couples most compatible with us were. Even then, the first outing with just one other couple can seem intimidating. What if there’s no easy flow in the conversation without a mélange of people around? But, like dating, if you take a big breath and head out the door, it will be worth your while at least half the time.

We now mix things up. We have date nights where we can rehash the week’s activities, commiserate over home repairs and kid discipline, and wax wistfully about an upcoming vacation or the plans we have for retirement. And at least monthly, we make plans with another couple. The perfect night is when the conversation flows easily between all four people — not people huddled in pairs — and we share news, gain insight from another’s experience, and reminisce.

My husband was right. It’s fun, and none of us can claim to have too much fun in our lives.