Sunday, 30 September 2012

Zinedine Zidane has officially left his post at Real Madrid to try and gain the coaching badges that will allow him to manage teams. How exciting

Jose Mourinho confirmed that the legendary Frenchman had departed the club about two months in a press conference, when he told some reporters 'your journalists have been sleeping. He left two months ago'. I am paraphrasing that somewhat, but the sleeping part I actually quoted. I fear for a world where if I sleep for two months Zinedine Zidane will die because I love him and I also like sleeping. And now I can't because I'm scared that if I do he's going to come and cut me open with his knife hands and there will be about 1000 sequels.

Ronaldo is very sad at the moment because he only gets paid £200,000 and that is £200,000 less a week than he wants. That's a huge amount! No wonder he's upset!

The Portuguese forward's situation at Real Madrid has apparently 'alerted' teams who are rich like Man City and PSG, but Ronaldo wants Real to make the big pay increase to prove that they really love him. All they really need to do is give him a cuddle because money can't buy you love, and that's all he really wants. Although money can hire you a prostitute. So really it can. Someone get this man a prostitute, STAT

As we all know, Roy Keane is a great manager, and the only thing stopping him from winning games is that all his players are terrified of him and hate him. Now he's the boss of some Turkish team. Sun!

Formerly one of football's 'HARD MEN', Keane forged a reputation as a promising young manager because he once played for Alex Ferguson, or once knew Alex Ferguson, and that's all you need to get a job, but also because he got Sunderland promoted. Then they got relegated I think, and then he was in charge of Ipswich and was terrible there as well. I get the impression that even his happy team talks are filled with anger, or if he doesn't criticise a player for a mistake he makes he has to punch a mannequin in the face instead so he doesn't explode with pure rage.

Now managing Kasimpasa in Turkey, Keane can just shout things that aren't even real words rather than express any tactical thoughts, because it is impossible to understand English in Turkey. That is just scientific fact.

Since moving to Barcelona to sit on their bench, Cesc Fabregas has learned a variety of new tricks, like pretending to have been hit in the face so that his opponent gets sent off. Tiki taka!

Here we see the young Spaniard in days before he used to cheat, although I can't really remember if he used to do that at Arsenal if I'm perfectly honest. Maybe he did but I've forgotten. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch this:

That will probably have been removed by like ten minutes time, so you can go to 101greatgoals instead and watch it there. The last time I saw such a horrendous video of cheating was when I accidentally put on that VHS that my girlfriend told me not to.

Hulks arrival at Zenit has pissed off quite a few people because he is paid about £10m a week. When I'm annoyed about something I just write for Fitba Thatba or abuse people on Twitter, someone in Russia made a fake bomb.

That's probably what the bomb looked like. Reports say that the fake bomb was made from batteries, a watch, an empty gas cartridge and with a photograph of Hulk taped to it. Recently two players were sent to train with the reserves after they publicly voiced their disgust at the wages of Hulk and Alex Witsel. I would suggest the police start there.

A message attached to the bomb simply read "Hulk Out!". Not the most creative threat but it sure does get the point across. He could be referring to the dance craze that has hit Russia called "the Hulk". Someone shouts "Hulk out!", you have to change into a green morph suit and pretend you are having a rage induced seizure. Try it next time you are out and watch the ladies swoon.

Having never been to the Ukraine I base all my opinions on what I see I see from football, it looks absolutely mental.

In a game between Chernomorets and FC Metalist, an angry fan ran onto the pitch and tried to strangle the linesman. I'm not sure why he tried to kill the assistant and not the referee, I can only imagine he did a Ryan Giggs or chopped a goal off for off-side. Watch the video below.

Getting arrested in the Ukraine is something I do not want to experience. You can clearly see it's taking all of the policeman's restraint not to beat the shit out of the man right there and then on the pitch. As soon as he get's him in the backroom he is going to unleash a hurricane of physical harm upon this chap.

It's rumoured that my town used to have a football team but were thrown out of the league for beating up a referee. That's life in small town Scotland my friends, alcoholics, inbreds and farmers fighting each other to become the town champion - it's great really.

Spurs recorded their first win against Manchester United in 256 years and they did it at Old Trafford of all places. What did we learn? Education is important kids.

1. Manchester United need a destroyer -

This isn't really something new but it was displayed to dramatic effect last night. In the first half there was a gap about the size of Belgium between United's defence and midfield. This allowed the Spurs' players to run at Ferdinand and the accused time and time again. They need someone like Gandalf, he doesn't let anyone pass. Although he does have a fondness for small boys.

2. Alex Ferguson is mental/a genius/deluded

It was 3-2 in the 53rd minute, thus giving Manchester United 40 minutes still to score. They didn't but it was because they didn't have enough injury time, of course!

"They gave us four minutes [injury time], that's an insult to the game. It denies you a proper chance to win a football match."

I can't figure out if Ferguson has gone mental, is deluded or if he is mind fucking the officials and his players. By blaming things on the referees all the time it creates the us and them mentality, makes the officials shit themselves and makes his players think that perhaps they deserved to get a draw but were robbed by the officials. In my opinion it just makes him look like a twat.

3. The players do not hate Andrew Villas-Boas

If you believe the tabloids/Twitter then you are an idiot. Reports all over the shop were talking about how much the players hated working with AVB. The reaction of their players to him after they scored and at the final whistle was not the reaction of people who don't get on. I hate the majority of the British public so trust me. Apart from Hugo Lloris of course, who definitely hates him.

4. Spurs should be pushing for the Champions League

Obvious I know, but if you look at the Spurs team, they should be pushing for a Champions League place. Aaron Lennon plays like someone with schizophrenia and Jermaine Defoe is definitely a Europa League striker but those two aside, this team is good. The fact that auld melted-face got sacked for whoring himself out to England despite his failure to get into the Champions League reflects this - oh and he looks like Droopy Dog.

5. Rio Ferdinand is old

It wasn't too long ago that Rio Ferdinand had a case for being the best centre back in the world. Those days are definitely gone and he will probably be having nightmares for weeks about Gareth Bale and Lennon. Johnny Evans was distracted by the sight of a policeman and he let Bale run at Ferdinand. It was like watching an F1 car take on my Ford Fiesta in a drag-race. If football was like subbuteo then Ferdinand would be absolutely fine, but unfortunately for him you do have to run quite a lot in football. Perhaps it's time to hang up your boots and put on your merking hat.

Friday, 28 September 2012

Here are some reasons why Manchester City will win the league. I made them up

1. They have lots of good players

Players like Sergio Aguero and David Silva and now they have this Garcia dude who's meant to be alright. Usually when you have the best resources available you achieve the most, unless it's FIFA and the game is cheating against you. Or you're playing Pro Evo and the game is cheating against you. Or you're playing Street Fighter 2 and Vega keeps killing you over and over again, because the computer is cheating you.

Basically Man City just need the Premier League central brain computer to start cheating them so that they lose, or alternatively I could just accept that at the age of nearly 27, I shouldn't still be getting angry at computer games.

2. They have lots of money

So if they aren't winning by January they could just buy all of the rival players. This model worked well in Scotland for about ten years by Rangers and there are no possible downsides to it. I wonder what happened to that system actually....

3. Carlos Tevez won't be on a golfing holiday for most of the year

So can actually be available for selection and help them break free of Man United.

He scored like a million goals last year, if my memory serves me correctly, and now he actually wants to play football again so will try. I get the impression that it's just his girlfriend/wife that causes him to act like a nutter, since she was the one trying to make him move to Brazil or Argentina or wherever it was he wanted to go last time. Women are powerful creatures, my friends. I'm not going to double or even single check this but if she currently lives somewhere near England, Tevez will be awesome.

4. Roberto Mancini thinks they will win the league

Old sexy hair himself believes that Manchester City will definitely win the league and he wasn't even like 'I think we will win the league' he just said it all cool and hipster like.

"We will win the title (but) I agree it is more difficult the second year."

Oh what's that? You think we won't? Pfffft get a load of this guy! *points with thumb to guy to his left*

5. Mario Balotelli has the potential to end the universe if they don't

Mario Balotelli has been unusually quiet over the last six months or so and this makes me think that either all those rumours about him were absolute nonsense written just to make people click on their website links, or that he's saving up all of his mischief for one big 'to end them all' type prank. A guy at school once told me that two kids in his last school dropped a massive block of potassium into the swimming pool and it blew the roof off. I don't know if that's true, exaggerated or even possible, but I'd like to think this might give him some ideas.

Thursday, 27 September 2012

John Terry has been fined £220,000 and banned for four games for being racist, in that incident he was found not-guilty of recently.

I don't really understand why he's on trial again because I was pretty sure this thing ended in controversy a few weeks ago but then again I've been on a different continent for most of this month so I have an excuse for not knowing, as opposed to normal times when I just don't pay attention to what I'm reading or being told. From the BBC:

"The Football Association charged Mr Terry on Friday 27 July 2012 with using abusive and/or insulting words and/or behaviour towards Queens Park Rangers' Anton Ferdinand and which included a reference to colour and/or race contrary to FA Rule E3 [2] in relation to the Queens Park Rangers FC versus Chelsea FC fixture at Loftus Road on 23 October 2011."

So let me get this straight - even though a jury finds you not guilty, if you committed the alleged crime in football land it's totally justified for you to be trialled again and again until they get the prosecution get the result they want? Jeez. This is like real court for black people. Which is either ironic or racist. I can never tell

Zinedine Zidane is in my opinion, probably the best player ever because not only was he awesome, but he was also completely mental. Like that time he head-butted someone in the World Cup final and then they made a statue of it

For the uncultured swines among you, that is a photograph from outside the Pompidou, which is Paris' Modern Art Gallery. It's totally awesome in there and full of art that you can pretend to really like, and then you get super, super, super bored, start looking at the people inside instead and then you realise your girlfriend has been looking at various chairs for the last half an hour. It's a chair. So you wander around some more and you do see some cool stuff like Andy Warhol paintings so it was actually OK.

And now there's a statue of someone physically assaulting another outside because he made a yo momma joke or accused his sister of being a prostitute or something like that. If I could have chosen one time to head-butt someone it would definitely have been the World Cup final. And not Burger King.

Alan Pardew has signed a new contract with Newcastle United, tying him to the club for the next eight years. This is also pronounced 8.

Look at that suave mother-hubbard. You can't get anything past someone that cool, unless it's a lucrative contract for him and his backroom staff who Mike Ashley appears to deem the best he could possibly get. Newcastle have been pretty superb since Pardew took over from Chris Hughton so it's fair enough, but if you remember for a second that this is football land then eight years is pretty much like signing a contract for the rest of time. It's like a phone contract with TalkTalk, whose tactic to avoid giving me my money back was to simply hang up. And now I think about it, that actually worked really well. So kudos to you Alan Pardew, for taking my money away while I was at university and providing me with shitty internet.

Professional football is a high pressure, high risk sport where every decision can affect millions of £££ and cost people their jobs. It's also full of absolute cunts, except for people like Miroslav Klose. Why?! Let's find out

So here we see Klose being quite clearly fouled by a defender and as he sticks his hand up to protest, he accidentally knocks the ball in to the goal with his outstretched hand. Then you see all the Napoli players patting him on the back and a goal isn't giving, and to be honest, if I hadn't already read that he told the ref to disallow the goal on the grounds that it shouldn't count, I would have no idea what was going on. You could have told me he breathes fire or turns into a dragon and I would still just have been looking at pictures of tits the whole time

Emile Heskey signed for Australian team, Newcastle Jets a couple of weeks ago and now as if to try and make the universe implode, they have sold out of shirts with his name on the back.

So if you recall, Alessandro Del Piero - world cup winner and internationally renowned legend of football - now plays for Sydney, so Newcastle Jets had to do something to retaliate and keep themselves in the race. Alternative options they could also have signed with equivalent results were a wheelie bin with googly eyes stuck on it, me, or literally anyone else in the world.

When you are onboard a bus with all your friends headed towards a sporting event, the first thing you do is open a beer to help the good times roll on their way. If you are a professional athlete and do this on the way to a game you're supposed to be playing in, Dinamo Zagreb will fine you €100,000. Booooo!

Yes, Domagoj Vida decided to open a can of beer on his team's way to their cup match against lowly ranked NK Vrsar and was rewarded by being fined €100,000 and labelled the stupidest footballer in the club's ranks. I cannot fathom why he would at any point have thought this was a good idea and I was once almost fired on my first day of work for stealing a newspaper and irn bru and sitting in the backroom and letting the old lady who always works there do all the actual work. It was a sweet shop and I was 15. I hate how I had to wait for a few months before I could legitimately skive.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

I don't know how, but Steve Kean is still the manager of Blackburn. Still. He still has that job. At Blackburn.

It's like he's Sonic the Hedgehog and every time something bad happens to him he drops a bunch of rings but then manages to catch them all again so he doesn't die. Except instead of being an iconic video game character he's an easter egg attached to a scarecrow body in a tracksuit. If I had any foolproof football betting advice I could give anyone in the world, it would be that Steve Kean will get fired, at some point. I also think that Robin van Persie will score another goal this year. I'm pretty risky with my gambling, you see

You may remember that Zenit St Petersburg spent about £100billion to get Hulk and Alex Witsel this summer and you will especially remember if you play for them, because you hate those guys now.

Why didn't they crop that photo? I'm far too lazy to do it. By they I of course mean the photo agency who sold us the photo...... so anyway over in Russia they have a lot of money, and a large percentage of it is being put in the bank accounts of Hulk and Witsel, because why else would you ever go to Russia?

"I'm not against foreign players but there must be a balance in the team

"Yes, the club has bought good players but do you think they are so much better than us that they should make three times as much?"

So I guess that sounds about fair enough. And for that matter, how come people like Oliver Holt and Henry Winter get paid thousands for writing about football yet I have to work like two other jobs, try and juggle a worrying new addiction to Football Manager and now the new FIFA is out soon? And I still don't have a yacht. I don't really think I'd like a yacht though, I don't like large bodies of open water mostly because I'm scared of the sea creatures that might live inside it.

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Man City don't lose at home, they certainly don't lose to Aston Villa, but they did.

Tonight there were a few Capital One Cup games. That has surely got to be the worst name for the League Cup ever. It's even worse than the Milk Cup, or Two Girls One Cup. City lost 4-2 in extra time, Aston Villa fans will be delighted that their former captain Gareth Barry honoured his old club with an own goal, to help them on their way to victory.

Jack Rodwell was injured in the warm up, which happens a lot as he is made of straw. The result was even more surprising as Aston Villa are a little bit poo. N'Zogbia scored the winner, a man who could be really good if he actually cared about anything. City can take heart in knowing that only teams like Arsenal really get excited about the League Cup. They can now focus on the league, champions league and trying to find a way to stop Balotelli smoking.

Manchester United's defence is about as good as John Terry's racism defence. I can't figure out if that means it's good or bad? Anyway, Vidic is injured and it ensures that Johnny Evans continues to defy logic and actually start for one of the best teams in the world.

Vidic required a knee operations and has been ruled out for 8 weeks. This means that he joins Mr Snuffleupagus Smalling and troll face Phil Jones on the sidelines. It seems like yesterday that United had Ferdinand and Vidic side by side at the back, like a happy marriage that would go on forever. But then like a marriage, things would absolutely tits up.

United let Pique go because they thought Evans would turn out to be a better player. That's got to be a lie, nobody would ever admit to that. I should leave Evans alone, he was found not guilty after all. If you look at United's team, it just goes to prove that either I am an idiot and the players are a lot better than I give them credit for, or Sir Alex is a master of the dark arts. Imagine winning most games with Rafael at right-back and a giant hole in midfield? It does not make sense.

Michel Platini has ruined his reputation as one of the best players ever, by turning into a massive tool in recent years.

That of course is my opinion, you might think he's great. Of course you'd be wrong and now I'll prove it. Platini wants the Qatar 2022 World Cup to be played in the European Winter. Of course we must remember that the World Cup is actually in Qatar which is ridiculous, it's about 9000C.

European leagues would need to take a month long winter break and see all their best players get injured and knackered. It would also ruin Christmas and New Year, everyone knows that domestic football takes premise over Jesus or Santa. Thankfully we have 10 years, 10 long years for Platini, UEFA and FIFA to come up with more mental ideas. Maybe in 10 years time racism will be taken seriously and we will see nations fined more than a packet of pork scratching for their fans behaviour? Probably not.

Monday, 24 September 2012

Like many of us, Andy Carroll used to have a Bebo account. And because most of the people who actively used Bebo grew up in sewers, that is why it died.

The Liverpool/West Ham striker still has his Bebo open and what a pleasant reminder of the old internet this is. I remember a time when Myspace was cool and slut hunting was an art form and acquired skill, but then all the shitty bands in the world started joining, it became normal and you couldn't use it because all the minks and idiots wanted a piece. Why do they ruin everything? If they aren't messing up housing estates or the internet, they're downloading everything for free and making it illegal.

When I pointed out to some absolute mink the other day that stealing music and films online is illegal, he said 'but it's really expensive' I shouted at him and said 'oh cool that's totally fair. I'm going to come round your house and steal your car then' and realised that I was only angry because he was ugly. If he'd been a hot girl then I'd probably have given him my hard drive.

I think the most important thing any of us normal people can do before we die is have someone delete our internet histories.

Arsenal may or may not be preparing to persuade Didier Drogba to join them in January once he's figured out a way to escape from his new Chinese owners, according to the internet.

Drogba has come out recently, or more accurately his agent has, to say that he's very happy in China and loves his new club because they are treating him really well and it's very nice there. It basically sounds like that scene in Hot Shots Part Deux when the hostage is doing the same thing except this is real life and China absolutely sucks.

The way these things are linked is that Arsenal want a striker who isn't Giroud, and so there you go. Done deal. Science

John Terry has retired from England international football duties because he thinks it's unfair that people are calling him racist, when all he actually did was call a black person a 'black cunt'. For shame!

The Chelsea captain has declared that his position within the team is 'untenable' now that he is being further investigated by the FA despite having been found 'not guilty' of the charges that plagued our newspapers for too long last season. To be honest, I don't care because John Terry seems like an absolute scumbag.

How he managed to retain the captaincy of a country when he was found out for shagging another player's girlfriend is beyond me, no matter how un-football related that might be. Sure enough you are innocent unless proven otherwise, but the inevitable stigma attached to someone involved with a court case between two adult humans calling each other names, and especially racist ones at that, should probably have made his very position within the squad untenable, let alone being the captain.

Also this means that players who are actually good can play now and the FA don't have to be embarrassed by having a possible racist represent their country. Where's Ledley King these days anyway? I haven't seen that guy for ages

Ronaldo should probably have been one of the greatest players of all time but he kept getting injured, had a seizure before the World Cup final and then got fat. So he's just really lazy. Where is he now? On TV!

It's important to remember that Ronaldo is only 36 at the moment. That's it. He's not like 45 and just put on the pounds as a result of a far more relaxed retirement, it seems like he's actively tried to eat as many things as possible in as short a space of time as he can.

It takes effort to get that fat, man. Regardless, the Brazilian legend has now entered a reality TV show called 'Fantastico' because he wants to get fit for a charity match his old mate Zidane is organising. And of course the only way to burn off five years worth of Burger King is by appearing on a TV show so really he's just lucky that this opportunity has presented itself. His momma is so fat that she's a holiday destination at Thomas Cook.

When Paul Lambert isn't busy telling his players how shit they are, he's making them watch videos of their mistakes. You know, for inspiration and stuff.

Before his team succumbed to a 4-1 defeat against Southampton, Lambert believed his team had turned a corner thanks to making the players sit through videos of their various mistakes. I'd say it's an unusual technique but then I realised that this is how my ex-girlfriend talked me into 'improving at sex' and also that I shouldn't have signed those disclaimers without asking for some sort of actual money first. If only love could buy a house. Or cool points. I have at least four of those.

Saturday, 22 September 2012

Michael Laudrup has been in the news recently defending the acceptance of money from other teams to try extra hard against league rivals because.... money.

The Denmark legend and Swansea manager said:

"If Swansea play the last game against a team and a third team pays Swansea to win the game, I really don't see anything bad about that."

And then that same BBC article said 'Accepting money to influence the outcome of a match is against Football Association and Premier League rules'

So somewhere along the line someone has done something they shouldn't have and I for one am really against anyone who does anything just for financial gain. If they've accepted money for something they normally wouldn't just to make a fast buck I'll be really annoyed. Oh and on that note you should totally get all your Bet365 latest football odds from that link.

Demba Ba is playing hardball with Newcastle United at the moment as his agent tries to very obviously and unsuccessfully negotiate a new contract.

Ba's agent has started putting out 'my client is unhappy that he's on the bench' stories in a desperate bid to earn more than £50,000 a week but now that Newcastle United don't hand out money whenever someone asks for it, the talks aren't getting anywhere. Alan Pardew even revealed that his transfer release clause triggers in January again without being asked, although I'm not sure he really meant to do that

Either way, Ba still has the same contract and no-one else wants to pay him £80,000 a week because his knee could explode at literally any minute. It's like buying a really nice Audi except the Audi has a knee that could explode at literally any minute

Rangers have managed to cling on with one hooked tentacle to FIFA 13's team roster this year, appearing in the 'rest of the world' section instead of the 'Scotland' bit.

Glasgow's tax evading evil minions have successfully retained their status as a playable team in the game despite currently occupying a dark hole in the orc dimension (also known as the Scottish Third Division). They will now be selectable alongside teams like River Plate and Olympiakos and I just wonder how fair this really is on the other Third Division teams. Are you trying to tell us that people don't want to live out a career as Peterhead? Is that what you're telling us EA Sports?! What's that? There's already a game based on that entire place?

Because no-one wants to buy him, former Real Madrid midfielder Guti is being put down. Or turned into fire wood or something

Guti was one of those weird players who was obviously very technically gifted but never seemed to do anything on the pitch ever. I never saw him do anything that made me go 'wow awesome' - he just plodded along through games. And since he was at Real Madrid that just makes me assume that he was really good.

I could make the same argument about someone like Clarence Seedorf but he did this

And that's like one of the greatest goals ever scored so he gets away with it

Since moving to Paris St Germain and scoring all of their goals, Zlatan Ibrahimovic has been living in a hotel. He quite likes it and so he's decided he'll just buy it. Because he can do that.

That's a picture of Le Bristol, which is a very large hotel just around the corner from the Champs Elysees and which currently costs PSG €3000 a day to hire for their star striker. Now he and his partner have decided that they might as well just buy the whole thing

"We are looking for an apartment. But if we don't find anything, then I'll probably buy the hotel."

I then fully expect Zlatan to build a giant statue of himself just outside the building so when he does eventually gain too much power the residents of Paris can pull it down with a tank in a symbolic gesture of dictatorial rejection. I'm also very upset to learn that his girlfriend/wife/whatever isn't that hot

Well, I mean obviously you still would, but it's Zlatan. And tbf he's kind of unfortunate in that he will never be able to find his true love since it is himself and as I learned yesterday, people cannot impregnate themselves. Unless they are cloned together with frog dna and change sex as a result of their environment. He'd still then need another person to impregnate him, and so his girlfriend would also have to change sex.

If I'm totally honest this sounds like an awful lot of work, I think they should just leave it as it is

You will be pleased to learn that I have found an original copy of the letter Manchester United will distribute to fans ahead of the game against Liverpool on the 23rd of September.

Truly inspiring. As we have discussed previously, anyone who needs to be asked to not sing songs that make fun of 96 people who died in a tragic accident should probably just be put down. I fear for humanity

Friday, 21 September 2012

Not for us, we don't pay as we have no money. AFC Wimbledon sacked their manager and have bizarrely put up an advertisement on their website.

Finally the moment Football Manager enthusiasts have dreamed of for years. You can actually apply for a real manager's job, League 2 is pretty much real football. All you need is this -

"a track record of success in the game, excellent motivational and people-management skills and a clear vision of how they can deliver success on and off the pitch for the club."

Honestly if they could see my Aston-Villa team tear apart Barcelona in the Champions League Final with my modern, attacking 4-2-3-1 the job would be mine. Lawrie Sanchez has been linked with the job and I honestly think I would do a better job than he would. For example if I was 1-0 up at half-time, I would say "do it for the fans!" or maybe "good effort, keep it up".

That government paid for four year university degree was definitely worth it, thanks Scotland.

Lukas Podolski has had a good start for Arsenal and scored a few goals. Of course this means that he loves Arsenal and wants to get them tattooed on his arm.

Podolski already has a tattoo of Cologne on his arm, which is fair enough because it's hometown club. However getting an Arsenal tattoo seems a bit like when chavs get a tattoo of their girlfriend's name. "I love Jordan and we are going to be together forever, no matter what anyone says". After a year together Daz and Jordan produce a mutant chav baby, but before long Jordan is shagging Daz's best mate Baz and Daz is shagging Jordan's best friend Jodie. Luckily the tattoos are easily enough to alter but unfortunately there is more chav offspring on the way.

Podolski can just do the same thing with his tattoo, although I'm not sure what he could change the Arsenal cannon to. A massive cock? We should ask Van Persie.

Big Bad Brad is pissed of with Fabian Barthez. The bald French clown who somehow won the World Cup, has disrespected Brad Friedel and Brad is going to unleash the pain train.

Look at that face, look at that head -nobody in their right mind would say a bad word about Brad Friedel, he looks like he'd make you watch as he eats your children. Barthez told a French newspaper that Brad playing ahead of new Spurs' signing Lloris was "incomprehensible".

Lloris must be pissed off, the captain of the French team, one of the best goalkeepers in the world and you are kept out of the team by a man who could actually be your Dad. Although unlikely that a 15-year-old Brad Friedel was shagging his way around France.

Brad took to Twitter as everyone does now, and said "I can't believe you would disrespect me like that bro. If I see you I'm going to give you a stone cold stunner."

It's Liverpool Vs Manchester United this Sunday and it's probably going to turn into a war.

Sir Alex has done the only thing he could to stop Manchester United fans singing about Hillsborough, he wrote a letter. "Please don't your songs of hatred, or else I'll give you a Glasgae kiss. Love, Sir Alex." Is not what the letter said, it was more along the lines of "don't sing those songs".

Imagine fully grown men having to be told not to sing songs about people dying, you must have had terrible parents. I don't think a letter is going to have the desired effect on people who can barely read. Rather than simply condemn the actions, I think anyone found guilty of singing these songs should have to give Alex Ferguson a sponge bath. One look at his wrinkly old, Scottish willie and you'll never utter an offensive word ever again.

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Because Emmanuel Adebayor is super rich he can afford to do nice things like save countless villages in his native Togo or refund wealthy English people who bought a shirt with his name on it.

Some might say that sunshine follows thunder and also that Adebayor is greedy for earning something like £150,000 a week at Manchester City but he gives loads of it to charities in Africa so that's not really fair of you. I'd like to think that if I had millions of £££ sitting in my bank I'd give it to charity too as long as I don't ever have to visit the place that it's going. I don't find the idea of having armed guards accompany me to the swimming pool particularly fun, but then I guess I should have thought of that before I agreed to let drug barons live in my house.

Either way, Adebayor has told Spurs fans who bought a shirt with number 25 and Adebayor on the back that he will personally reimburse them because his number is now 10 and he can afford to do that. I could have finished this article minutes ago if I'd just written that.

Over in ATHENS Thessaloniki on the land of sunny, indebted Greece lives a team called Panionios and they scored an own goal that made me laugh. Out loud!

if you click this picture you will see the video. YouTube wasn't playing ball

I especially love the bit where the defender kicks the ball as far into the air as he possibly could because it reminds me of what my Dad would do when he tried to make me play football as a young boy. Back then I figured that if the whole point of football was to kick the ball as high and far into the air as you could then the whole game was pointless, but later I bought a season ticket for Aberdeen.

Garth Crooks often chooses teams of the week for the BBC site and when he isn't making up formations with too many players in them, he's choosing teams with about 20 strikers in them.

So as we can see here, Crooks has opted for a revolutionary 4-1-5 formation - the likes of which have not been seen on these shores possibly ever. Arguably he could be reverting to the classic 2-3-5 formation that teams who started the game would employ, or indeed he could be trying to model his team on Luis Enrique's at Roma, or Barca's 'no-striker' rule, where any number of five midfield players can take the most offensive position on the pitch at any time, thus creating havoc with the opposition as they struggle to mark men and create gaps in their back-line that can be exploited with quick passing.

I texted Garth to get an idea of what kind of tactics he felt this team might be best using and he sent me back this