The Peace Corps is an odd life. I feel like we are always surrounded by people almost 24/7, especially when living with host families, and somehow you still end up feeling the loneliest you’ve ever felt in your life. I’ve been so lonely here it HURTS sometimes. And I think I’ve pin pointed it – I just miss intimacy.

DISCLOSURE: PARENTS (yeah, you Jane, Roland and Martha) if you don’t want to read about my thoughts on intimacy here on the internet, I would advise you to find something else to read. But I’m pro honesty here, read on if you would like! I think these are human feelings that all of us experience at some point.

OK? Good? You’re sure?

OK.

It’s exhausting to always have an exoskeleton-like shell on, to protect our reputations (and those of the US in general) and the legitimacy of jobs that we do. I’ve found myself missing be able to be 100% open with people, no filters, no thinking about what you are about to do or say.

I miss hugs, I miss people messing with my hair and making jokes I know they will forgive me about.

I miss feeling desired in a non cat-call way, a respectful way. The way that someone can look me in the eyes and tell me “you are beautiful.” None of this “tsssss”ing or “mi reina” shit.

I miss having hair tucked behind my ears for me and cuddling and conversations that last late into the night.

Sex, I know I can live without; that is secondary. But I miss close human bonds that aren’t timed 10 minute phone calls between other PCVs, bad internet skype calls home, and being able to give someone a hug if they need it instead of just saying I’m sorry.

And this is why I choose to remain single during my Peace Corps adventure. I feel like you can just drown and become consumed in any kind of relationship when you miss human connection THIS much. Maybe you don’t realize you are in an unhealthy relationship because you have become dependent on that fuzzy feeling you get from “love.”

So I live for unconditional hugs from kids at school. My vecina combing and braiding my hair. Half (ALMOST) hugs from my agencia neighbor Elsa.