Are you divorced and live in a cruddy little flat because your wife got the house and custody of the child, whose birthday you nearly always forget?

Is the arch-villian's base conveniently situated in an abandoned chemical factory near the old docks. Helpfully, does it have miles of ventiation ducting which, for no clear reason, has been built big enough to hold a man?

Before heading to this base, do you have a strange urge to wordlessly prepare and sheath guns, knives, grenades and a crossbow?

When shown on network television, does your dialogue contains words like "motherfarmer", "freak you" and "sockcutter"?

Does the arch-villain have a female martial arts sidekick of questionable sexuality who appears to want to duff up your female sidekick in a lengthy yet strangely bloodless fight?

Does a sort of 'king' henchman who is larger / blonder than the rest and doesn't really say much keep appearing?

Have you ever run from a burning building and flung yourself headlong behind a conveniently placed mound of earth at the precise moment the building explodes, thus ensuring you are not blown to smithereens, but merely have a few streaks of dust on your face?

Have you sustained wounds that would fell an adult elephant?

But do you only grimace slightly then totally ignore them for the rest of the film, until your arch rival thrusts rusty metal spikes into them in the final confrontation?

Have you recently done something so spectacular that a nearby drunk has rubbed his eyes in disbelief before staring accusingly at his bottle?

Has the sardonic leader of a group of European terrorists spent the last ten minutes climbing somewhere absurdly high, only to plummet to his death, when he would have been perfectly OK had he stayed on the ground and just shot you?

At the conclusion of the movie, does your tough, uncompromising black police chief tell you: "You're suspended for two weeks with full pay - now get your ass to Miami Beach. (Then do credits role with hero cop in a bikini jam with cocktail and hot-rocking babe in hand)