Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Sundays

"I can't seem to make it through Sundays. I can't seem to make it through Sundays. Monday through Saturday I get by just fine. Every other day of the week I feel all right, but, I don't know why--I don't know why..." --Lucinda Williams

That pretty much sums it up.

If you haven't heard of Lucinda Williams, well you should get to know her. She's a little bit rock a little bit folk a little bit country. I heart her. And I don't listen to country. My favorite albums by her are 'lucinda williams' and 'car wheels on a gravel road' and 'sweet old world'.

Sundays are hard for me. I don't know why. Perhaps it is because he isn't there with us. Perhaps it is because I'm trying to avoid people asking me where Beloved is. Perhaps it is that so much of what is said on any given Sunday can apply to my situation. And I think "He knows this. How is he so far past caring?!" Perhaps it is that there are people there who love me and my family (and Beloved) and who understand my struggle and I feel safe, then, to just...be. Perhaps it is just nothing I can put my finger on.

But I just have a hard time on Sundays. And I don't want to come home. And I don't want to see him when I'm already down. But it's Sunday. And he wants to be with our kids. And our kids want to be with their parents. So it is here.

Friday a friend brought me some beautiful, sunny flowers. I was grateful for them on Friday. They were bright and cheery. Sunday I was even more grateful, since they sat in the middle of the table and at dinner I didn't have to see his face.
It's just...how I feel on Sundays. Like I just want to curl up with my kids and hunker down in a blanket and go to sleep...until Monday, and not have to bother with Beloved. Just for the day.

11 comments:

RoryPaints
said...

I thought about this scenario just the other day and how it was going to be so weird and awkward on the weekends. I didn't know he was giving up church though...but I guess that makes sense right now since he really doesn't want to hear the things that he knows he NEEDS to hear. All we can do right now is pray for you, for him, for your kids and KNOW that you will be blessed....that you WILL be taken care of, even if it doesn't seem like you can make it through to the next day. Love you!

Ok - the whole going to church and dealing with questions thing sucks, no doubt about it. Mormons are so inquisitive and gossipy. (I should know, I am one.)

Perhaps you should require the husband to provide you with a profuse apology every time he enters the house, if he wants to enter the house. Make sure he knows you HATE dealing with him and his crap, particularly on Sundays.

I'm thinking those of us close to you should start a Friday Flower club and make sure you have a cheerful, protective barrier for the dinner table every Sunday.

You know I'm finding that it's when I stop doing (and both J and I have been trying to avoid stopping) that the loss hits me the hardest..maybe that's part of the reason Sunday's are hard...paradoxicaly, the day of rest, not such a blessing when it allows the hard stuff time to surface.

Too bad we can't go to the temple on Sundays. That would be a great place to spend a few hours while Beloved is with your kids.

I'm sorry that Sundays are so draining for you. I know it's a really churchy answer, but is there some kind of service you could provide, and all help with to take your mind off things? Baking and delivering cookies? Taking dinner to someone? I know how cliche it sounds, but looking outside of myself always helps me.

If we lived close I'd let you bring me dinner and stay and chat for an hour or two. Ü love you, girlie.

I can see how Sundays are so hard. It's hard not to look at everyone else's seemingly perfect situation and not feel bad about your own. But the truth is, most people are dealing with something big like this at some point in their lives.

Do most of the people in your ward know about your situation? I remember when my older sister became pregnant and was unmarried. My mom talked to the RS pres and she suggested that she announce it during Relief Society. My mom was terrified and she cried through the whole thing. But afterwards, she was the recipient of a huge outpouring of love and kindness (my sister, too). And this huge burden was lifted off her shoulders and everything was out in the open. It no longer had to travel via the "gossip" channels.

I'm not saying you should announce this in relief society, but my point is my mom was sure that she'd become open to ridicule and judgement because of this, but the result was quite the opposite. She could finally cast her burden on her fellow sisters and it proved to be a very uplifting experience.

I can see why you have Beloved come to your house instead of having the children go to where he is staying. You want him to visit them where the spirit is strong, not have them go to a place where the spirit has left.

About Me

15 months ago my husband told me he was in love with another woman. I was completely blindsided. I would have told you the day before that I was married to my best friend and soul mate.
Almost a year ago Beloved came home. We are working through this mess.
Why am I keeping this journal? Because I don't know how else to think through everything without driving myself crazy.
At least this way I feel like I am talking to someone.