Exhausted.

The whole depression / anxiety / ptsd merry-go-round that I have been on for 20 years now has left me feeling exhausted mentally. There is only so long that it is possible to go on being hyper vigilant for, constantly being on edge, so it seems.

Obviously all this has left me very down, but I don't want to die -I simply want my situation to get better (this seems to make a lot more sense). I am writing this because I am in crisis right now and something needs to change immediately. I have tried meds, counseling, group sessions, various 'coping' workshops without any success, and now cbt which while it is the best thing I have come across certainly is no magic bullet. Is there something else I can do to actually get this sorted out, as contemplating another 20 years of this particular brand of misery is unbearable? I welcome any sensible suggestions.

I have found that the company of another, even in cyber, has helped me so much...it allows me to feel a part of the planet, and gives me a place to express how I feel...please know there are so many ppl here who relate to what you have written, myself included...and yes, treatment takes time and work, and when one is in such pain, it feels like 'forever'...please keep trying to find what works for you, and know if one treatment/medication did not work, there are many options...J

Hospitalization is another option that comes to mind if you feel you are not safe (feeling suicidal with a plan and intent, for example). Another thing that comes to mind is support groups. Here, there are types of groups like CelebrateRecovery (spiritual support), AA (Alcoholics Anonymous, then Narcotics Anonymous etc). There are grief or depression related support groups out there, too! I'm not sure where you're from, since it varies from place to place. You mentioned group sessions, but I'm not sure if you meant group therapy sessions or not. Just throwing ideas out there!

I think what happened to me, is I was surrounded by many things that were not good for me. Not enough of good things in my life. I know that is a macro synopsis, but I'm making strides to put good back in my life. I'm moving tomorrow, to a town that I once lived, a place where I was happy and successful. It is 1000 miles from the terrible place I've spent the past 15 years.

As soon as I made the decision - everything fell into place, so while I know there will be difficulties, at the end of the day I will be in a peaceful place. I have a whole new life to build, but I can't be any lower than I've been for the last 10 years.

I've tried counseling, meds, and the likes - the benefit was always temporary. I didn't have a chemical imbalance, I had a crappy life. I wasn't broken, my life was.

Thanks guys. My situation does need to change and I am presently moving house myself. I'm still not the least bit happy(or even content) with the people I am surrounded by and the area I am moving to is a little foul and will leave me much poorer financially, but the move will give me options and limit the contact I am currently forced to have with a major source of misery in my life. I feel It's worth a go, if it works out or not will depend upon the people in the area who I used to know.

I don't hold out much hope, but still feel(surprisingly) that I have got to keep trying everything to pull myself out of this on some level. The realisation that there may not be anything which will do it has led to my posting on this forum -as my life is fast reaching a point where I can make a sound logical descision to not be here to endure a life of all consuming pain.

I can't encourage suicide here since its against the rules (and I certainly do not aim to), but I personally believe in everyone's right to end their own life if it is a rational decision made after a lot of thinking without the bias of instability. I'd say the majority of suicide attempts (especially since they're almost always unreliable) don't fit this criteria since someone who really thought it out and was stable would either do it or not do it.

About six months ago, I was on the edge (maybe a month left or less, and I'm one of the types of people above so once I was ready, it was over)....I found that by accepting my position and removing the whole 'stigma' of death from my mind it helped me a lot. For my whole life I've been enduring issue after issue, heartbreak, depression, then existential depression which was a whole lot fucking worse. But I fought the idea of death/suicide so hard because I only got this far in life without going completely insane from being a fighter, which kind of predisposed me to hating the idea of giving up. Long story short, fighting against something so hard with very little energy or hope completely drained me and paradoxically drove me closer to suicide.

I found that thinking about death and accepting that it might be a valid response to genuinely being stuck in a hopeless existence that was objectively very unlikely to improve actually increased my emotional health. It was a burden off my back. However, I do understand that thoughts on this can easily be warped by strong emotions. I'm personally way past that point in my life and feel very old. I no longer felt as 'trapped' and like I had absolutely no way out. It still doesn't appeal to me but at least now I have an honest picture of what to do with my life.

Accepting my true position stabilized me and enabled me to give life a little more time and be more 'objective' about where I was headed, and to search a little bit longer for some other way out. If I had not accepted where I was despite the horrible realities of it, I would've been much more impulsive due to that trapped feeling. It may be like capitulating to the devil, but I don't think its as much the 'devil' as our society makes it out to be. Now I think we're very different people, and this is a tough thing to do because its a difficult subject to distance yourself from emotionally, but I found it helpful personally.

In your position, self exploration to a further extent about what you truly want in life and shift in perspective about how you view the world would probably be the better step to take first. Also, I hope you don't take this the wrong way and think I'm encouraging hopelessness. Just don't think too obsessively about these things as that can be bad too. I guess the general idea is that a perspective shift and understanding things more as they truly are can provide some level of personal empowerment/direction, even if its frowned upon by society. It did for me, but I went overboard with it and crashed.

sorry your having a bad time let us know how your talk went with the next professional... there's lots of company here if you want it - as sadeyes said - it can really help get you through the bad times

Saw the professional, had a semi-productive talk -there's still at least one option I haven't tried if the CBT doesn't work out for me. So at least I have some faith that I haven't exhausted the health services abilities completely just yet and there may be something I can try later.

As a sidenote, yesterday was the first time I have ever shared with someone the ideas of suicide which my condition makes me have. Now that this information is out there I feel as if I have a better perspective of my situation, as if I have finally accepted that that is the way I am. That has taken a noticeable weight of my shoulders (of course, perversely I feel guilty about this and I am now concerned about where that information which I shared will end up), but I hope I can keep moving in the right direction for myself and for those who I care about in my life.

CBT didn't work for me, nor counseling which I just don't understand at all. If I'm here next year I'll be seeing someone else in the medical profession as I'm on a waiting list once more at a higher stage. I don't know what that will entail which is profoundly anxiety provoking but I'll endeavour to give it a shot. I feel this will be the last chance I give to the medical profession. Thank you for your thoughts throughout this thread which I began late last year.

I hope you do keep talking hun CBT did not work but there are other therapies that will hun DBT is excellent I hope you can call and see if you can get in sooner hun ask to be put on the on call list Keep talking to us ok it help to know you are not alone hugs

Recently it seems as though there is an ever increasing list of potential therapies to try, depending on whose research is currently in favour. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing yet, I know what I suspect by my lack of responsiveness to treatment so far -it is quite counterintuitive to continue to think I will recover. Fairly certain I am just another soul who was raised profoundly badly and now do not possess the ability to be healthy actually.

I'll give the level 4 treatment a shot though, which is on the cards. I'd love to hear what it may involve if anybody knows anything about it and can share??