Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Sky Is Falling

Today Iran launched their first home-made satellite into 'low earth orbit'. The Omid, or "Hope", proves their ability to develop long range ballistic technology, despite magical UN sanctions, that can be used for missiles and easily reach Western Europe.

"Iran's presence in space with the aim of expanding monotheism, peace and justice has now been officially recorded in history," said high priest President Mahmoud Ahmagonnakillalldemjews.

Iran test-fired a dummy satellite rocket last February as well, claiming it also reached low earth orbit, while the United States claimed it was a failure. The US also released a biting statement describing the blatant test as "unfortunate." Iran currently has a satellite in orbit, but that was launched as a gesture of goodwill and camaraderie by their buddies in Russia.

Much of Iran's technology is developed from weaponry donated to them by China and North Korea, the latter of which has returned from a long mainstream media holiday after recent large developments.

North Korea is apparently planning a test launch of their newest long range missile, the Taepodong-2. It has a range of 4000 miles and is capable of striking the United States in either Hawaii or Alaska, as well as Australia, Japan, and anyone else in between.

North Korea's successful weapons development program was boosted in 1993 when Prime Minister of Pakistan Benazir Bhutto altruistically sold them blueprints of missiles that could cover 800 miles. They have since made advancements.

As Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-Il play with their toys, Putin and Castro break bread, and Chavez celebrates the first 10 years of his life long term. Meanwhile President Barack Obama staggers under the weight of his own promises, as all sides of the media begin to discuss and expose the holes in his 'sweeping ethics reform' of Washington policy.

Our only hope are those mythical CIA agents who "prevent bad things from happening" (as Liam Neeson says in Taken), who operate without the red-tape of bureaucracy, and who wear wigs to effectively infiltrate and destroy weapons factories.

In lieu of their existence, however, stick to your regularly scheduled programming, and try not to look up.