Thursday, August 15, 2013

Breastfeeding is hard, yo.

I've always known I would breastfeed my kids. Well, I have always known I would attempt to breastfeed my kids. There are so many things that can go wrong, so many possible challenges, so I figured going into it with an open mind would be ideal. My mom was unable to breastfeed my older sister, so didn't even try with me. That was her choice and given the anxiety it caused her, probably the best choice to make her the best mother she could be.

For me, all of the things I thought would make it hard (pain, infections, bad latch, low supply) have been such a breeze. It's the things I didn't think about, like having a baby who isn't a milk monster, that are making it difficult. It's mentally difficult for me. From the beginning I have had an oversupply which is super annoying and uncomfortable. In order to battle this I was feeding Madeline A LOT. Like every hour a lot. This worked for a while, but then she started developing her little personality and a mind of her own, and she stopped cooperating with me. This is probably the first instance of this in a whole lifetime of her being uncooperative I'm sure. I digress. She stopped wanting to feed every time I wanted her to.

This has been really tough for me, mentally. It feels like I have been rejected by my own flesh and blood, which is silly, I know. She doesn't have the mental capacity to reject me, and she shows me her affection in other ways, like when she doesn't want to be held by anyone but me, and when I get so many smiles and laughs out of her over the course of our day together. But still, each time she refuses to nurse, I feel rejected! I'm working on getting over this. For one, she doesn't need to eat every 1-2 hours like she used to. Sometimes she goes 4 or 5. I am trying to trust that she will let me know when she's hungry. It's proving difficult to do, but I will get there. We've made it 4 months so far, I'm sure we can both make it work for much much longer. One day at a time.