Headlines from the Future: LeBron James Joins Cleveland Browns to Team with Johnny Manziel

LeBron James threw the sports world into a furor on June 24, opting out of his contract with the Miami Heat. The transcendent basketball talent then shocked fans and pundits with his announcement he would return to his home state of Ohio–but not as a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

After winning two NBA championships in Miami, some assumed James would don the Cavs’–yellow? Orange? Blue? What color are they wearing these days?–uniforms while settling some unfinished business. With the No. 1 pick in the 2014 NBA draft, and star guard Kyrie Irving in the mix, the Cavs are readymade for a future run.

But James likes the future of the Browns even more.

“Johnny freakin’ Football,” LeBron said, flashing his trademark grin.

Asked to explain why he would leave the NBA, where many consider James to be the greatest player since Michael Jordan, LeBron explained: “Everyone thinks they know the intimate details about athletes’ lives. But truth is, you don’t. Everyone assumed Johnny Manziel was living it up and partying when he came out to Miami and posed for photos with me. No. We were talking shop.”

Indeed, LeBron James left clues that he and Manziel would team up as Browns all over social media.

James, a star receiver on the St. Vincent-St. Mary High School football team, will undoubtedly be a favorite target for Johnny Manziel–particularly with Josh Gordon suspended for the year.

“I like what we’re building here,” James said. “I grew up a Cowboys fan, and I would have loved to see Johnny wear the Star. I also could have been a nice partner for Dez Bryant. But at least I don’t have to worry about carrying him for two years like I did Dwyane Wade.”

No word as of press time how many Super Bowls LeBron guaranteed the Browns would win.

Editor’s note: The preceding is satire. All information and quotes are fictitious.