"This is the beginning of a plan to create one of the top ten water parks in the world, if not London...", enthused many MPs from their London bases.

WESTMINSTER, London -- British Prime Minister David Cameron announced today plans for the opening of Wet'n'Wild Surrey, a 900-acre purpose-built water park. Attractions are to include the Shepperton Splash, the adrenaline-inducing Staines Massive Log Ride, and the Woking Extreme Water Rafting. "I'm a man, a father, I have children, two I think, and Mary, my wife, and I are excited at the prospect of bringing our children to the exciting amenities that Wet'n'Wild Surrey will bring to the area. We want to make a big splash in the tourism industry," he smirked to himself at his little joke, failing to notice that the term had already been used in the previous sentence.

"Soon all this will be Japanese and American tourists soaked to the skin...."

Also at the announcement, the Minister for Pies, Eric Pickles added, "Many criticised the decision to do away with flood defenses for everywhere except London, but we can see now how shortsighted that view was. We are in it for the long haul, with an exciting vision of turning the rest of the country into a top, top tourist attraction for visitors to London — I mean the UK. The North of England Petting Zoo and Fracking Park is due to open this year. We believe our measures will help to put London — sorry, the UK — on the map for tourism."

Not everyone is convinced of the value of the park, with some locals making the point that water is not viewed as much of an attraction in most of rain-drenched Britain. "FFS", expleted Surrey local Bramwell Chiddingford from his waterfront bedroom window, "FFS." A number of other residents were too paralytic with rage to comment.