Arnold Palmer is dead. He was a golfer. I know that, because one of the first games I ever bought on my Mega Drive was Arnold Palmer Tournament Golf. I'd never heard of him before that, and I don't remember hearing much about him since. Until the news broke this morning that he had died.

Even the game gave little away about this golfing enigma. He featured on the box artwork, and the title screen, brandishing a meaty fist, but beyond that... he was nowhere to be seen. There wasn't even the option to play as Arnold Palmer: your character was just some anonymous guy wearing a stupid flat cap.

Of all the Arnold Palmer golf games you could imagine being made, Arnold Palmer Tournament Golf would rank among the least Arnold Palmer-y. Indeed, it probably featured the absolute bare minimum of Arnold Palmer-ness required to get away with even being called an Arnold Palmer golf game.

Sega had something of a habit of adding a token celebrity sportsman to their games, once they hit markets outside of Japan. Arnold Palmer Tournament Golf had been released in Japan as Ozaki Naomichi Super Masters - a game which contained precisely no Arnold Palmer.

MR LOAN PEDLAR​Whether Arnold Palmer, Tommy Lasorda (baseball) or Pat Riley (basketball) ever saw or played the games, to which they allowed their names to be attached in return for some money, remains in doubt.

Sadly, we can't ask Arnold Palmer. He's dead now, you see, and his secrets go with him to the grave. He was 87, and his name was an anagram of Mr Loan Pedlar.

Until I played Arnold Palmer Tournament Golf I had never heard of birdies, or eagles, or a par, or - ha ha - bogies. I'd never played golf, barring crazy golf on summer holidays (crazy golf? Talk about overselling something - maybe if they'd shrieked and thrown hairbrushes at you while you were putting your ball towards the hole shaped like a windmill...). I wasn't a golf fan. Indeed, I wasn't a fan of sport of any stripe. Everything I know about golf is derived entirely from Arnold Palmer Tournament Golf.

So why even buy it if I wasn't a golf fan? It was slim pickings in those early Mega Drive days. Beyond Golden Axe, I was struggling to justify the £189.99 I'd spent ordering it from Special Reserve.

Altered Beast was a travesty. Super Thunder Blade and Super Hang On hadn't been much better. Buying Arnold Palmer Tournament Golf - just as I had John Madden Football - was an act of desperation, borne from guilt. I had an infant daughter, who I should've been saving my money for, and I'd splashed out nearly £200 on a toy that I was struggling to enjoy. So... of course I had to spend more money to try and get my money's worth.

Plus, I didn't even know what sort of games I was going to like in this era of "mean machines", so anything that got a decent review was a potential purchase. I dare say that Arnold Palmer Tournament Golf had been given a 90%-ish score in C&VG.

GOLF FANTASYOddly, while it might seem on paper like an incongruous fit with me, I ended up really liking Arnold Palmer Tournament Golf. It was relaxing. It was easy to play.

As a result, over subsequent years I continued to flirt with golf sims, but they became increasingly more authentic and realistic.

The more hardcore they became, the harder I found it to stay engaged with them. The casual golf sim player was being pushed out, in favour of courting the dedicated fan.

There was something shamelessly arcade-y about Arnold Palmer Tournament Golf - a fact that was underlined by its famous Fantasy Zone easter egg; miss a hole 100 times, and it unlocked a level of Sega's pastel-hued shoot 'em up.

TILED FLOORSome years ago, I hired a golf club bar for my daughter's 18th birthday party. When I went in to pay for the booking, I hadn't noticed that the clubhouse was divided into two areas, delineated by one side being carpeted garishly, and the other having a plain tiled floor.

Without realising I'd done anything wrong, I stepped a foot or two onto the carpeted section, and was asked by a snooty member sat at the bar to step back over onto the tiled side. I was wearing trainers, you see, and these were banned in the members area. He continued to sneer at me while I waited for the payment to go through.

Suffice to say, it didn't endear me to golfers: Arnold Palmer had always looked so friendly on the box of the Mega Drive game, but in that moment I realised I'd been sold a lie. The golf world was one of rules and privilege. A place where I am no longer welcome. Except... for that one time I was, when Arnold Palmer Tournament Golf had embraced me with a pair of light blue golf trousers.

If you still have access to a Wii or Gamecube I highly recommend playing Super Mario Golf. Me and the wife put hundreds of hours into that game, classic Nintendo brilliance.

Reply

Rakladtor IV

27/9/2016 02:26:44 am

Having never been ejected from a clubhouse, my worst experience at a golf club was treading in a wasp nest, getting stung multiple times on one ear and literally having wasps in my pockets.

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Chris Wyatt

27/9/2016 07:49:03 am

My first golf game was the imaginatively titled Golf on the Gameboy. It features Mario, so it is kind of a prequel to Mario Golf really.

I think my family thought I was weird for wanting it, but I thought it looked cool, and it turned out to be a fun game.

On a school trip, I stupidly lent my Gameboy to someone, and some bullies got hold of it and chucked that game out the window. It was on the roof, so no chance of getting it back.

It's a common game so later I picked up a 2nd hand replacement for free, in good nick, and peace was restored.

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Nocturne

27/9/2016 02:12:21 pm

I don't know when we passed the point where it was suddenly alright for us all to accept that Altered Beast on the Mega Drive was a steaming heap but I for one am glad.

RIP Arnold Palmer.

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Rak IV

27/9/2016 04:15:40 pm

Altered Beast gets way more hate than it deserves. Solid arcade port, 2 player simultaneous, improvements over the arcade game. Sheesh.

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Spiney O'Sullivan

27/9/2016 11:29:51 pm

What was wrong with it? I recall liking it as a kid. But then, back then I also thought Sonic the Hedgehog would be a dominant force in gaming forever...

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Rak IV

28/9/2016 02:50:08 am

A factor is how the western Altered Beast allows continues, making it super easy to beat. The Asian version limits the player to one credit and is a decent challenge to finish, requiring the player to engage the game properly instead of just monging through it.

Come '91 it's a pack in, developed in '88, getting juxtaposed against Sonic and coming off as slow in comparison. Quickly beaten using continues and put away. It's understandable how a lot of people have a low opinion of it, but I bet those who came in during the sonic era would appreciate AB more had they first experienced it around 89. Certainly much better than shit like Last Battle.

Stuart

28/9/2016 12:15:54 pm

It must be the Japanese version on the Wii Virtual Console and the Megadrive Ultimate Collection on the Xbox 360, because there's no continues in either of those (although the arcade original is included in the latter, which gives you unlimited credits). For the re-releases, I wonder why us Europeans got the Japanese one rather than the original we were used to?

On the Megadrive, I remember a friend and I used a cheat to select different beasts than those allocated for each stage. We always picked the dragon for the last level because we thought it was hilarious seeing the rhino boss charging back and forth across the screen uselessly.

Rakladtor IV

28/9/2016 05:31:19 pm

Nah turns out I had that wrong, seems all regions got the same deal with AB having no continues. I was getting confused with Strider, where the Asian version doesn't allow continues