May 2016 Babies

Husband going to wedding without me

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TwoGsAndaB wrote:

I need to know if I'm being totally ridiculous. My husbands best friend is getting married in July on the other side of the country. We are in TN, wedding is on the beach in CA. (Both families are outrageously wealthy and know how to throw a good party!) DH is best man, so him going is obviously not changing, but I just recently found out that I'm suddenly uninvited :( I've looked forward to this trip for a year, and am now being told that we can't afford for me to go too because we're having another baby and the expenses that go along with that ate why I can't go. I'm really trying hard not to feel bitter and jealous, but I really can't help it :/ The original plan was to stay for a few extra days and have a vacation...AND THAT PART ISN'T CHANGING! DH is still planning to take the extra vacation time....without me. I'll be home alone for 5 days with a 6 year old, 4 year old and a newborn while he's on a beach in CA. If this had been the plan all along I could understand, but I feel like our life circumstances changed because of this pregnancy, and the only one "paying for it" is me. DH still gets the break, the great party, the vacation. I just get left behind. I tried to talk to him about not taking the extra days now and just going for the wedding, and he acted like I was being selfish and unreasonable. I'm really hurt that HE wouldn't feel so bad about leaving me behind that HE would want to ease the blow by not staying gone on our "couple trip" alone. Am I being ridiculous, or is it ok that I feel this way?

Yikes! I would be devastated! I think it's perfectly fine that you feel hurt and left out. I'm still confused about why you can't go? Because of newborn? Or the cost of having a newborn? If you have two other children, you should already have the big items you need for baby and should really only need diapers and such new. Did you have childcare already arranged? I am so sorry!!!

He basically said that all the prenatal expenses (copays and the like) plus the costs of a new car seats so we can go 3 wide in my car and stuff like that is going to have to be paid with the money that WOULD have booked my flights.

Yeesh.... Yeah, I would be upset too, but for other reasons. I don't think how EITHER of you are feeling is unreasonable. I think I would be more upset at the extra days from the standpoint of being left alone to take care of the kids without a really great reason. Life happens, so I understand the original plan for both of you guys changing. But it would be better if he would take maybe one day to enjoy the beach and sunshine, but not ALL of the days so he could still help out at home. Like you said, it isn't fair for you to be saddled with the entire burden of this new pregnancy (by then, your newborn) while he doesn't help pick up the slack.

Wait. I'm sorry. I just saw your follow up post- why are all of those expenses specifically coming from YOUR ticket...? It's great he doesn't have to drop his obligation of being best man, but that was a crappy way of putting it. He really should be sharing the burden- what is he giving up for the family while expecting you to give this up...?

So you can't afford the plane tickets but he can afford to stay the extra days (assuming in a hotel... Maybe not) and I am assuming he would be missing work. Maybe a compromise would be that you both go... But only for the wedding. I would definitely be upset.

I have no idea why my ticket is the only thing money is being taken from...but he seems to think it's totally justified and maybe I'm just too hormonal to understand. I'm upset that I have to miss the wedding, these are people I e known for a decade! But I'm way more upset that I'm being left behind now, and absolutely nothing is changing for him. He's still staying the full 5 days and taking a vacation because the hotel was already booked. The grooms family booked for him months ago and we paid for it before Christmas. So he's not wasting it...and we're saving money that needs to be spent on the baby by not having to book 2 flights now. So, "naturally", I'm the one suddenly excluded :/

Ugghhh! He's still spending money on the hotel room - the only "extra" money is your flight?!? No way! I'd book my own ticket and go on this vacation no matter what. It sounds like he's being petty and vindictive, as if he's blaming you for the pregnancy. I don't know what his real issue is, but I think it needs to be discussed... you are not being some jealous wife. You have every right to be upset. I hope you dig in and go :)

Aren't hotel rooms able to be cancelled? I would be upset for sure. Like others said, why is the extra money coming from your part of the vacation? Sounds like ther is more to it than that....I would push him for some answers, it's not just about the money for a plane ticket, which really shouldn't be a huge amount, the hotel is paid and the onky extra would be your meals while there. Doesn't sound right

I would be so mad. It really shouldn't be too late to change the dates of the hotel and get the money back. Maybe he could go 2-3 nights and you could use the money that you get back for your tickets? Or even if he went by himself but only 2-3 nights are better than 5. He is being really selfish and sounding a bit shady.

Not ok. I would be pissed. It shouldn't be too late to cancel the extra hotel nights. In all fairness to everyone he should cancel the extra nights and buy you a ticket for the wedding.

And on a sidenote I hate when these guys blame our getting upset on "hormones." It's just an excuse for them to brush off and de-legitimize our feelings. In your case, yes even if you are hormonal you are still a rational and intelligent human being that is rightfully upset at the situation. He's trying to shift the blame to your hormones instead on himself for being a selfish.

I would be pissed actually. There his kids too. That's a parents job. To cover costs. Not just your job and you should not be penalized. Are you not a team? I would demand that you went too. That's a crapy thing for him to do. And quite frankly I would be wondering what he "doing" on his own private vacation.

The real kicker is that I'm no idiot...any money he saves by not taking me won't actually go to our family! He'll be out golfing and chartering deep sea fishing trips with it. I trust him as far as fidelity goes...that's not a concern for me. I just feel like there are ways that I COULD go, but it would cost him some fun and time with the guys so he's sticking to his guns....what if I hadn't gotten pregnant in the first place? We wouldn't have medical and baby expenses piling on top of everything, but that money would still have been spent somewhere else, you know? I feel like I'm being punished for getting pregnant, whether that's what he means to do or not. I just feel like it's really unfair for the sacrifices to be made only by me. I totally support him going to the wedding because he is the best man, even if I can't go, but I feel like he should rearrange things so he's ONLY going for the wedding. If I can't go on vacation, he doesn't either....but what I want more than anything is for HIM to care enough about me to think of that on his own :/

I'm a bridesmaid for three weddings this summer. All of which I backed out of for financial reasons since we have a baby coming. We are by no means strapped but it's not a great idea to throw around money when things are less than ideal. Maybe he shouldn't be attending the wedding either if it's such an issue. Trust me it wasn't easy to tell my good friends I couldn't be in or at their weddings.

This would definitely upset me too!! It is certainly not your hormones. Have you been able to sit down and fully explain your feelings to him? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, Maybe he doesn't fully understand how you feel based on his actions. I would ask to have a conversation where you are able to say everything you are thinking and then he can respond. Sounds to me like he is looking for a break to re-live his fun, single, no-responsibility days. And sometimes that is ok (my husband goes to "guys weekend" every year for 4 days), but not when it is something that you planned to do together and are then penalized for it. If he won't budge, then make an agreement that he has x amount time off and x budget (include cost of airfare and hotel) and then later his year or the following year, you get the same amount of time and budget to plan a trip somewhere with your girlfriends. And he can take care of the kids!

Have you tried telling him how you feel? That you feel like you're being punished and left out on purpose? That you're hurt by this? You shouldn't have to feel that way. My first thought was "Why is she being "punished" for something when it takes two to tango?" I would be understanding about the wedding as well but on the other hand he will be leaving you home alone with a newborn and 2 other children as well. That is exhausting, although it would only be for five days, the fact that he seems to be somewhat selfish in his thinking and not taking into consideration that he is also a father and leaving his family for those specific reasons, to spend time with the guys, is not justified, especially at a time when you and your children will need him the most. Newborn things like that are not that expensive and he should not have made that executive decision. He should've talked it over with you first and said "Here's the situation, what should we do?" I'm sorry you're in such a crappy predicament, and I hope everything works out for you, hopefully you can get some answers and vacation time!

I don't think this is ok at all. Why is this his decision? It should be a joint decision. It sounds like he has too much financial power in the relationship and this type of behavior will only get worse as time goes on. You should nip it in the bud immediately.

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