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The Beast With Two Backs

April, 1857. So, there I was; standing in a moonlit wood with a monster’s cock in my hands, inadvertently working him up into a state of complete arousal. It is funny how life turns out, sometimes. Having started to get the beast worked up, I reasoned that it was only polite to finish the job [...]

April, 1857. “So, you must be Mr. The Beast,” I said calmly, as the slavering beast advanced upon me. “I don’t suppose you would care for a cup of tea, or something?” “Grrrrrarrrgggh!” said the beast. “Grrrrarrrgggh?” I repeated. “Good heavens, your diction is really quite awful. Now listen here, old chap, you’ve been rather [...]

April, 1857. After some considerable deliberation upon my part, I decided that rather than wait to receive another Venetian Cock Twist from the delectable Lady Rydeham-Harde, my time would be more productively spent venturing into the dark and scary woods, where the so-called beast had last been sighted. “Are you sure, milord?” Botter asked nervously. [...]

April, 1857. “Well, come on then! What is that in your trousers, sir?” Lady Rydeham-Harde repeated. I looked down at the considerable bulge in my pocket, then looked up at the lady, then to Inspector Spunkleford, who was frantically nodding his head in the negative as if to suggest that I should definitely not whip [...]

April, 1857. “Your ladyship, I have decided I would like to commence my investigations by seeing the body,” I remarked, as I leaned casually against the banister of the stairs. “Well, good,” replied Lady Rydeham-Harde. “At last, some progress.” “Of course, when I say ‘the body’, I mean ‘your body’. And when I say ‘seeing’ [...]

April, 1857. “I shall take the case!” I exclaimed excitedly. “I shall go to Rydeham-Harde House, and I shall investigate the brutal murder of that poor, unfortunate maid!” “That is just as well, Likely,” said Inspector Spunkleford. “After all, we are at Rydeham-Harde House now.” “What?” said I. It was at this point that I [...]

April, 1857. Writing these very journals is usually an exceedingly simple task. Being so incredibly gifted and ridiculously talented, I find that writing is almost second-nature to me, like breathing, or love-making, or crapping into my man-servant’s bed. However, as my last entry proves, I was having great difficulty in penning an article worthy of [...]

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About His Lordship

Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.

Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousing