John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

How do get closure when you're barred from the funeral of someone you love? (Published 11/5/2013)

Q:

Two days ago my boyfriend took his own life. His children blame me. They will not let me attend the service or anything. I don’t know how to have closure. Can you help me?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Kathy,

Thanks for your note and question.

We imagine that you’re devastated by your boyfriend’s death as well as by being barred from the services.

To have to deal with people blaming you for something you didn’t have the power to cause is incredibly distracting from your main issue, which is your broken heart.

We don’t use the idea of closure since it implies an ending of a relationship. Instead we help people become emotionally complete with all the things they wish had happened, differently, better, or more; and with all the broken hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

Emotional completion happens as the result of taking the actions outlined in The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and bookstores]. The book will help you deal with his death, and it can help you deal with your feelings about his children and what they’ve done.