Tag Archives: venting

Did you hear the news? Yeah, they are saying that awesome festival, the one that I love to go to, will be cancelled. You know, the one that generates the most tourism, the ones the kids love and the one that parents can afford to pay for? Yeah….gone!

I think it’s all bullshit. I like how they take money away from shit that people actually love and put it towards stuff that will be useless. Who thinks about these things? Who makes the big decisions?

This city is run by a bunch of clowns. This city is so backwards! That was the best festival that I had been to. Not even sure what they were thinking with that bright idea. This is so annoying I just don’t understand how people think that this is a good idea for our city.

I just can’t wait to move from here. I just don’t get it. Yeah, let’s take money from the arts, something that will inspire kids and let’s invest it in adding more flags to a run down bridge. Yeah makes sense.

Over the last few days, I have been overwhelmed with the fact that there are many people in my life who I have not forgiven for the pain and the hurt that they have caused me over the years. I hold a bitter grudge and a dangling chain of animosity and anger when the thoughts of their actions, words or at times their existence even crosses my mind. To be honest, when I think of what they have done to me, my anger is so overwhelming it can take me a week to push it aside and process my pain. To be more honest, my angry towards these people have forced me to make some very impulsive decisions that I wish in hindsight I could take back.

I am not an evil person. I want to say that I am kind, generous, loving and caring. That is the person, I strive to be and the person that is hidden behind and below the surface of my pain.

But when it comes to forgiving those who have crossed me in any way, I wish them double the pain and anguish that I went through at their hands. The men who raped and molested me, my mother who abused me, my father who did not protect me, the ex who cheated on me and the grade one girls who teased me, it is these people who I blame for the anger that seethes below the surface.

But my anger and my inability of not being able to let go of my pain, has nothing to do with these people but everything to do with me. I have not forgiven myself. I cannot forgive all those people who hurt me, if I have not forgiven myself for whatever faults or mistakes I have made. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Did I need my mother to apologize for being horrible at parenting me? Did I need those men who raped me to know how their actions have impacted me? Do I really need my ex to look me in the face and say he was sorry? What would change if I got all of these things? Sure, I think I would feel somewhat liberated to know that for once, my voice was heard and my pain was revealed. But what would be next, would I be a different person, would the walls I built around my heart, my life and my spirit come crumbling down and free me?

My struggle with forgiveness begins with me. It is up to me to forgive the mistakes and choices that I have made on my journey through this life. I need to forgive the shame I feel for being a semi survivor of child hood sexual abuse. (I will explain this later). I need to forgive my mother for being physically and emotionally abusive towards me. I need to forgive my ex for infidelity. It it only through doing these things that I can truly be free from my own painful childhood. It is only through doing these things will I be able to forgive those who hurt me. Without self forgiveness and self love, I will always be a caged gorilla, beating on my chest, screaming out…look at me, see my pain.

I don’t know about you, but forgiving yourself is not an easy task to undertake. It begins with really evaluating every aspect of yourself, your life, your choices and your mistakes and coming to terms with all of that. It is about realizing that you are not perfect, nor should you strive to be. Its about coming full circle with the fact that not only have you been hurt and injured but you have also hurt and injured other people. I really want to forgive those who hurt me, the anger is only a mask. So, the journey begins with me being able to say and accept the fact that I made some horrible mistakes along the way. But I am ready now.

“Can I be forgiven for all I’ve done to get here?I want to be.I can.I believe it.” ― Veronica Roth

I have had a few people message me and I have had some decent conversations over the last few days. I have blocked a few and told a few where to go and kept a few conversations going. I don’t know if this thing sort of dating is for me. I am literally thinking of putting my Facebook status as “I am single, hook me up, please make sure he is not an idiot, he has no issues, and he won’t send me messages about oral sex after never meeting me….” I can’t do that, I have my fifteen year old son who is on my friend list but there has to be a better way to meet good men, than this process.

So, as I said I have spoken to a few men, so I want to share my experience with the world. I need your advice, why am I attracting men who are a bit on the different side, instead of a hunk, with a nice bank account, a house I can decorate, no ex wife hanging around and the staying power to hold a conversation. This has been my prospects as of late:

Guy #1, his first message entailed asking me if I was a hot thin woman. I asked him if he was hot, then he told me he was hot, built and had blue eyes(sure you are, with no picture on your profile). I told him what he was saying didn’t tell me much about who he was, so he asked me to tell him something hot about myself. At this point, I rolled my brown eyes, with my thin body and told him that he was boring me. Hence, end of conversation.

Guy #2, sent me a message about wanting me to show him to ride my broom(my profile mentioned I had super powers and I oversee the city on a broom) and going to a U2 concert. I responded telling him that U2 was centuries ago when music was tasteful. I never heard from him again. Maybe he thought I was calling him old…I was calling us both old…oh well.

Guy #3, said he liked my profile and if I was interested we could get together. He went on to say something about us deciding together…deciding what? I never responded

Guy #4, was 25(I am 41) sent me a message LOL. Why he was yelling at me, I still haven’t figured out. All I know is I will not be anyone’s notch in their belt. I never responded

Guy #5, said he was writing jokes for our date…I never realized my profile said anyone who responded to me, would get a date. I asked him to tell me a joke. He told me that I screwed him up and that was the only joke he wrote to get my attention. I didn’t laugh, its lame. Conversation died out.

Guy #6, said hey. I was bored so I said hey back. He then asked if I had a picture. I told him I had many. Then he wanted me to send him a few. I responded “And why would I assume you are entitled to my picture because you said hey what’s up. I choose to not upload a pic for my own safety. You should message others whose pics are already visible. Yeah, never heard from him again.

Guy #7 sent me a long winded message about how funny, adventurous, loving, caring and affectionate he was. He then went on to say he was over his ex(he is probably lying) and that he wasn’t looking for a fling(he probable is). I responded asking him how he was. He immediately asked for a picture, I said not at this time. Conversation ended

Guy #8, was 25, said he lied about being 44 so he could meet older women because he was some stud or something like that. I wished him fun on his search and I was not interested in games

Guy #9, we have been chatting on and off. He asked for a picture, I was busy, he got upset, I put him in his place, he kept chatting to me. Sounds like love.

Guy #10, sent me a message about me saving him, and then so many spelling errors I was repulsed

Guy #11 was not pleasing to the eyes

Guy #12 and I have been talking, switched numbers and have been texting. He seems decent enough

Guy #13 and I had a great conversation, he made me laugh, he seemed like a really nice guy. He had no picture either and I thought, this is perfect we could get to know each other without the pretension of looks. We could build the most fabulous relationship, we could tell our friends and children how we met, online with no picture. Then we switched pictures yesterday. I just can’t date a man, I have no attraction to, no matter how intellectual our conversations are. And damn! He knew how to spell and use grammar too!

Guy #14 can not spell for the life of him. Huge turn off!

Guy #15 Asked me if I liked bad boys, I said some women do. He then asked what I was looking for, I told him I had a long list of qualities. When you want to get rid of a man, tell him you have standards and you have a list of qualities you want. This guy ran for the hills.

Guy #16 is known to me. I am entertaining myself talking to him.

Guy #17 Is a massage therapist, and for some reason I guess talking about massages and oral sex impresses women. I told him, it doesn’t impress me at all. I am not sure if he will message me again.

Guy #18 is very special to my heart. Started off nice enough, conversation was flowing, he had a hot tub and a motorcycle. I was like where have you been most of my life. Then he did the unthinkable. He felt comfortable enough to send me a message of what kind of oral sex he was going to give me, and then something about how he learned a lot over the year and wanted to teach these new things to me. It took me a few hours to respond to him, but I kindly told him I did not appreciate messages of this detail and that he may use this kind of pick up line with other ladies, but not this one. Blocked this one!

This has been less than a week of online dating, or online world of crazy men, who are looking for God knows what. I don’t know about you, but I am very scared I have to go get some cats to keep me company.

Today, I went to do my groceries. It was a nice Friday afternoon. Everyone was at work, except me. It was perfect. I started my usual route, at the dairy products, working my way down each aisle, grabbing what I needed for the week. I was at peace. I could do all my groceries and get home before the kids got home from school. I am always courteous in the grocery story. I always move my cart out of the way if I have stopped to look at something.

Then…there are those annoying people who leave their damn carts in the middle of the aisle as they spend an eternity deciding what type of coffee they want.

There I stand, trying to look patient, hoping they have peripheral vision and can see me waiting, and move out of the way. Really, like why is it that people get real ignorant in the grocery store. Sometimes, I swear I feel like taking my cart and ramming them from behind and say “Do you see me now? Get the f out-of-the-way, it’s not your grocery story, share the aisle.”

But I don’t do that, I wait patiently as they slowly think and rethink, if it will be Folgers or Maxwell House.

I hate the grocery store!

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”
― Erma Bombeck

WITHIN ME LIES AN INVINCIBLE SUMMER

Trish Ann

Sharing my thoughts through blogging is a way for me to get my feet wet creatively, planting them on a solid ground of rants, vents and ramblings, tossing around potential characters and ideas in my head.
I have found my safehaven, where I can have an opinion on about anything from religion, sprituality, sexuality, dating, family, love and so on....
I have been an avid reader since I was old enough to pick a book up. I would rather get lost in a good book, where all my troubles become mincule to what people(real or make believe) are going through.
This has always been my dream, to write for a larger audience. So, follow me on Wordpress and give me your honest and heartfelt critiques.
“Be fanatically positive and militantly optimistic!" (unknown)

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I met my ex when I was twenty-five years old through a mutual friend who thought that we would be the perfect couple. I don’t know if we were the perfect couple, but we were perfect for each other for the time we shared.

From the moment we met we were inseparable. We grew up together and most of our life experiences and mistakes were a team effort. I always knew that no matter what was happening outside the walls of our home, there was always a soft place I could fall back on. Him.

When I think about the last year and how our relationship ended by a text message the pain of it still remains. I believed that I deserved a little more respect than what he tossed me. When we met we both had nothing and we built a life, a family and careers together. I hoped with all I had, that the man I had met and spent close to two decades with, would show me something other than a text that he was in love with some twenty-eight year old stripper.

My ex is the biggest coward ever. He had no balls and no guts to face me. It will be a year in July that our relationship officially ended. He has never apologized(except one lame email where he said sorry but never said what he was sorry for) for cheating or walking away from his family. He has never faced me or treated me like the woman he used to profess his love for. He has treated me like a stranger he hates and at times I have done the same.

Sometimes, I do regret that I ever dated him and spent so much of my life with him. I am in my forties and left to raise our children on our own. He not only discarded me like I did not matter, but he has treated our children the same way. Currently, he is evading paying his child support payments because he feels that I should not have a “red cent” from him.

If I knew then what I know now, I may have decided against being in a relationship with him. The good memories are slowly fading. Just today, I was thinking about one of the tattoo’s he has on his body and I could not remember where it was located.

I hate that all I have left is the memories of how spineless and evil he has become. Really, all I want is for my heart to heal and for me to move on with my life. I don’t want to hate him, but he makes it so hard to feel any other way.

I haven’t spoken to him in fifty days! It has been the longest that we have gone without contacting each other since we met in 1997.

The idea of texting him came into my head when one of the men I am conversing with asked me to be honest with him. I don’t know how we came to the conversation, but he said, “I want you to be honest with me. If he came back apologetic and was willing to work on the relationship. Would you take him back? No BS.”

I believe in honesty especially if you’re trying to develop a friendship of some sorts with people. “Yes, I would.” I responded. “But I don’t talk to him because of this reason. Because he is no good for me.”

Then this sweet man said, “Then why are you not working on it? He will come back. They always do. I don’t even really know you, but I can tell you that they always come back. Don’t kid yourself.”

I held my cell phone in my hand and thought about what this man had just said to me. Could he be right? Would he come back to me and my family would be back to together? But at what cost? Could I trust him again?

I did not sleep well that night. That morning, I spoke with another friend and told him about my conversation the night before. He agreed and said my ex would be back. We texted back and forth about how I could potentially test the waters while protecting my heart. We decided that I could open the door of communication, by checking up to see how he was and to tell him the kids really missed him.

It took him hours to respond. He said he wanted to see them. It had been over fifty days since he saw our daughter. This has been his new pattern ever since he started dating his new girlfriend. The conversation was pleasant enough. Then out of the blue, he tells me he plans to move away and accused me of not giving him access to the kids. Remember, he is a liar and a (cheating ***hole).

It seemed nothing has changed with him. Still the same old drama and ability to deflect his own shameful infidelity onto the person who he harmed. I used to yearn for him to explain why he was the one who was so angry at our breakup when it was him who cheated, lied and destroyed our family. I was not sure what I was looking for in this explanation from him. Maybe I wanted to know that he felt guilty for what he had done.

The wish for my (cheating ***hole) to understand and comprehend his behaviours and impact on people who love him is fruitless. It is a complete waste of my time to argue or engage in anything he has to offer me at this time. It is like the man, I fell in love with has died and has been replaced with a complete stranger that I want nothing to do with.

Over the last few days, he has been on my mind. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry that he is wasting his life being angry at himself. It is not me or anything that I have done that he is mad at. I have come to the conclusion that he does realize what he has done and how much it has hurt someone else.

He has to face himself in the mirror everyday. He has to live with the thoughts that he is not the great, wonderful and caring person that he wants to portray. He is a bitter man and if he does not have it in him to forgive his transgressions he will forever live in agony. It is up to him to make amends with himself in order to make amends with me and our children. I feel so very sorry for him that this is how he will move forward into his middle age.

"Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process."

Have a dose of what life is really like living here – from Turkish in 1000 easy lessons to learning the secrets to making the perfect kebab! Highs or lows this is our random observations from the melting pot of crazy that is my life in Mersin.