After reading a couple of new blogs, I came back to this one to give a critical eye on what my posts have been like lately.

BORING.
My photography likewise.

I have been exclusively recounting my day-to-day experiences or shoving song lyrics in your face. My grammar has gone downhill, I no longer so much as read twice through each post and my spelling is shot, thanks to the overuse of msn.

The internet degrades language almost faster than a Babysitters Club book. Which reminds me of the book I’ve left half read (Death Sentence) which is a whole however many pages devoted to a rant about the demolished state of English. KISS, keep it simple stupid – or at least use things correctly/creatively, it applies to more than just multimedia.

I might as well cut slithers of this past few weeks posts and throw them into the air – off a bridge, a cliff or the Rialto. They would not be missed.

I love words, writing (most of the time) and a good read. Why shouldn’t I give you some of that? You might think I’m being too critical, you might think this blog is wonderful (cough/gag)- spare me your flattery, I’m not impressed with it at the moment, so neither should you be.

I find that when I go to a blog, what grabs me far more than the show and tell of a day is the writer’s observations and thoughts, ideas and theories on broader concepts specifically those relevant to me.

For example, if I chose to talk about catching some guy checking me out (like I did today). I should probably further elaborate on similar incidents, general questions and in some way try to vaguely intice you to leave a comment or three.

So, I would/should talk about how Sam and I laugh at this, as almost without fail whenever we go somewhere, someone (some guy) always seems to honk their car horn or similar and our debate over ‘which one of us it is’, her descision that it is me, mine her, our differnt reactions – she laughs, I get annoyed. It really is disconcerting.

And then, what questions that raises in me. As it never fails to surprise me. To be utterly honest, I don’t think of myself as anything particularly more than average. Oh, sometimes I have a ‘pretty day’, more often it’s not. Females don’t entirely fail to understand what makes them attractive, but things like, ‘She has to have some mystery about her’ (which I’ve heard numerous places), to be honest, I don’t have a clue what guys on about. Anyone care to explain?

My self esteem is not shattered, I don’t think its actually too bad at all. I am however far too grounded in reality, comparitive thinking and the knowing that I am not one of the 7 out of billion women in the world that is supermodelish. I understand why Sam thinks its funny and secretly likes it (was that meant to be secret Sam?) as it’s flattering in an odd perverse way – I still hate it. I think we all (females) want to be seen as beautiful (more than just skin deep), want to be wanted, fully accepted etc.

I am not surprised at all why many girls do the whole makeup thing. Guy’s you’d do well to learn how to pay effective ‘non-sleasy, non-pick up line’ compliments, that go further than just skin deep (but NB, do not exclude it entirely).

After saying all that and getting throughly sidelined, I don’t think there is anything particularly wrong with retelling what I spent my day doing. I think however, that there are far more interesting and creative ways to present it other then just, “I did this and this and this and then this.”

This post feels slightly robotic, but do remind me take a bit more care when the writing gets sloppy and boring. Please by all means, pick me up on words that start getting overused in my vocabularly. Words like indeed, rather and perhaps. They have their place but too much is too much.

Today I did this:
-Did not sleep in
-Went to the Mellows (after dad finally found the lost car keys)
-Laughed heaps
-Came home and slept which is a massive rarity
-Found and read this blog after being utterly surprised it is by 16yr old (Melbournite), and even more surprised that he gets the 96 tram – I am fairly confident I’ve even seen him a couple of times before, his face is distinctive.
-Have a decent headache
-Enjoyed my dog walking – honestly
-Wrote this blog

Favourite now-times: reading, gush, blogging/reading blogs, msn, photography, cafe’ing it with friends, breakfast spent lesuirely outside, with music, food, God time and absolutely no interuptions, sleep, movies that make me think… and the rare walking of the dog when I really feel like it.

Current music on the playlist: The Shins, Frou Frou, Zero 7, Iron and Wine, Xavier Rudd, Coldplay, Pete Murray, Simon and Garfunkel, R.E.M, Keane, Goo Goo Dolls, Jack Johnson. (some of which I’ve only ever heard one or two of their songs).

Different ways that people say they are just looking in a bookshop: Browsing, looking, rummaging, thinking, cruising, I’m looking/waiting for my wife… (and oh how I wish I’d written them down earlier, some people get quite creative).

Best toilets for creative graffiti: the downstairs ones from work, near BiLo.

Best icecream (not a big fan all up really): choc-mint, or actually gellati (lemon and pink grapefruit)

On the ‘to buy’ list (eventually): Car (licence etc), new 512/1gb SD card, stuff to one day move out (I like the idea of being vaguely prepared), work shoes, printer, badges, external hard-drive, wireless point thing (if dad wont), more cds, photoshop…

On the ‘to buy’ list (that I don’t really need just now): Car (licence etc), new 512/1gb SD card, stuff to one day move out (I like the idea of being vaguely prepared), badges, printer, external hard-drive, wireless point thing (if dad wont), more cds, photoshop…

On the ‘to buy’ list (that I do actually need): work shoes

Favourite song of the past week: Iris (Goo Goo Dolls) – a rediscovery

Great realisation of the day: people on busses are so much less interesting than those on trains.

Last thing ‘most pleased about’: being honest/direct with someone and the resultant clarity in communication.

What I haven’t done in ages: put photos online (shall get to doing that maybe later), used spare time productively

“It goes like a zyrtec” (and here’s where I don’t know if I even spelt it properly), but the zyrtec sure has worn off.

I had the unfortunate fortune of standing on a bee yesterday. I think I have quite a decent pain tolerance and it was only so much as an, “Ow”, a glare at my dog and a hop back inside to run it under water. It’s not as if I haven’t been stung before, but Mum did her doctory thing anyway and gave me something.

Why be so blah de blah about a bee sting? That would be the niceness of having a blog and some spare time.

So, post-bee I felt relatively sick through the first bit of seeing Narnia. So it was probably a good thing that mum gave a zyrtec thing. I think it’s bees that die after they sting you…?

Today, my toe (third from the big toe end and third from the little toe end) has finally decided to swell up and the expected/dreaded itch of a bee-sting.
That’s it for me with barefooting the lawn this summer.

Work wasn’t so great today. I suppose you have to have those days sometimes where you just keep getting things a bit wrong – don’t know what to do or just have generally average customers. Poor Grace, I was glad of her patience, don’t know how many questions I asked her.

I can now eaisly return your book. But be kind and don’t pay with multiple gift cards – it takes forever.

What possesses people to use $1.00 on one card and $30.00 on the other?!

Nearly missed the bus this morning, I was at first late, (so went to the main street bus stop) then the timetable lied to me, so I was sitting fiddling w/ my mp3 player or something and not paying attention. The stop is on a corner and you can hardly see anyone if they are sitting in the shelter. I’ve had busses go right past me there before. Thankfully this one did. It’s sit down and breathe Rebecca.

Killed some pre-work time re-buying the top that got shrunk yesterday. I was really annoyed about that. Someone put it in the washing machine… it’s short now (Em might buy it off me 🙂 the nice thing, she offered, I should just give it to her). They didn’t have a Medium, the Small wasn’t much different so I got that. I wouldn’t normally go out of my way again if it was wrecked as easily as last time – but I did. I like it.

Then found my way into BiLo to get some lunch and stuff. I forgot I was only working 5hrs so would only get a short break. Bought some apples (which are sitting on my bed now) and some hommus. Had a looksee at Bakers Delight for some bread. I think now I need to research bread types. I bought this Pane something or other… not exactly easy to pull apart. Quite rock like infact. The Hungarian whatever I had the other day was much nicer despite the mess it made.

I have a bit of free time this coming week, would be good to catch up with some of you. Working Friday and Saturday and then free until Wednesday (and I don’t know after that).

I also hope to catch up on some sleep, its been I think about 13hrs in the last 48. I realised just how wrecked I was while walking Job. Came home and sat on my beanbag, read some, ate some more of the Christmas chocolate stash and came very close to falling asleep. It was nice. Stopping is something I haven’t done in a quite a while.

:\ which is somewhat parallel to how things have been in ‘doing the God thing’ – intentionality and all that.

Part of me should be raving about the Narnia movie, for that was the best thing of today.But the best things don’t stand out, other things do.

I do not know why I feel the way I do at the moment, a bit lost, a lot lonely. The same as last night. I am at the worst overtired, although I don’t feel it.

I did know after too many hours of shopping, standing on a bee and finding that my favourite top (new one) had been put in the washing machine and had thereby shrunk, feeling sick through the start of the movie post-bee sting, that I’d had enough.

I forgot for a while, swallowing the monstorous whole of Narnia, awed by C.S Lewis’ translation of one story into another. Then reality resurfaced and gasped for breath in a sink full of water and dishes.

If my room reflects some of what is inside, then it is a testimony to readily accumulating mess. I am sad without being sad.

I was thinking the other day about something Sam said to me on msn, when I mentioned a song, it being: cool, laid back and weird. She said, “Hey Bec, that’s like you”. I’m fairly sure the ‘cool’ bit is entirely subjective, or objective (or whichever you choose), weird – yes, but laid back? When did that happen?

Analise replyed to the twins things, “Laura is more subdued then Bec is, and takes things as they come.”
Wrong. Laura avoids conflict at all costs, but I’m the adaptable, take things as they come person. Laura is more subdued and I seem to have squashing myself in to a somewhat similar position the last while.

Nothing bothers me anymore, my fingerclick annoyance my ‘buttons’ hardly seem to exist. I can wait around for something without getting impatient, I am so, so more tollerant. If you did not know me about five or even three, two years ago you may not be surprised. But I am surprised, even at myself and the change I’ve seen in the past months.

It takes far more to get to me now. I am an easy-going kind of person, where does that allow for the intense side? It’s so definitely there. I cannot be a gollum, a two faced individual. Is this part of figuring out what it is to be Rebecca – working out which part to unbury? Oh, I am a far better, more patient person than I was (If I’m even allowed to make a claim like that), but I sometimes feel very caged.

There is nothing wrong with more patience. I’ve never been a patient person, maybe I am (shock horror) becoming one – I don’t know if I particularly like it. How can something good be crippling?

I don’t know what it is to be Rebecca any more. I hate to see this as another ‘identity crisis’. I have asked myself the same questions before. Told myself I don’t know me – it has found their way into YITS classes, public transport rides, and those last thoughts before bed.

I do know who I am. I am still however trying to work out how I can be more fully free in myself in still allowing those ‘supposed flaws’ to work out in my life as good things.