Daily Archives: June 1, 2016

This happens every once in awhile. Whenever they are in the market for a new James Bond, every British person who wants the role starts doing interviews to float the idea that they wouldn’t mind being James Bond.

A whole bunch of male Brits have put themselves out there…but Emilia Clarke from Game of Thrones did an interview saying she wouldn’t mind being “Jane Bond.” Gillian Anderson (Is she even British? I’ll have to look it up) said the same.

Ladies, look. More power to you but these films are an outlet for me and many dudes to fantasize that a world exists where men are allowed to be men, that in our minds we are James Bond and that we could drive around in fast, expensive cars, live rich, extravagant lifestyles, and be so studly that we seduce women into giving up international secrets.

We know women can seduce men into giving up any info. There’s no challenge there. That Bond gets all these women to do his bidding is like the ultimate fantasy. Never happens in real life so let us dream.

And besides…Bond’s women have names like “Pussy Galore.” What would Jane Bond’s boyfriend be? “Gotta Bigdonger?”

Women…stop. Just stop. We have to draw the line somewhere. I forbid this.

Well, I’ll put up another tomorrow morning, but let’s call this a nightly discussion.

It happens in a number of zombie movies/TV shows. It becomes a prime source of contention.

One character befriends another character. Things are going fine then boom…it is discovered that this new person is secretly keeping their zombified friends and/or family alive (as alive as they get.)

WALKING DEAD SPOILERS:

The Governor kept his zombified daughter locked up in a cabinet. Michonne kills her, igniting a war. (I feel like I’m in the minority for siding with the governor on this one. I’d be highly offended if I had zombie children and Michonne strutted in and started hacking them pieces without so much as consulting me first.)

Hershel kept his zombified friends/family locked up in a barn. He eventually agrees that the best option is to put them out of their misery.

FEAR THE WALKING DEAD SPOILER

Madison’s family spends most of the second season on a boat voyage to a secret location (thanks to Strand.) Alas, the woman in charge is keeping her zombified friends/family captive in hopes of a cure.

SHAUN OF THE DEAD SPOILER

Shaun keeps his zombified buddy chained up in a shed in the backyard. Sometimes, he even plays video games with him.

WHAT SAY YOU, 3.5 READERS?

This may be controversial but I think I’m leaning towards chaining up my zombified friends/family if it can be done so safely in the hopes of an impending cure.

Perhaps one day zombie-ism will be reduced to something as easily treatable as a cold.

Maybe your local pharmacy will start selling Vick’s Anti-Zombie Rub.

Hell, maybe your zombified charges will get to see the future. Chain those zombies up in a bunker and in a thousand years when they cure zombies they’ll not only be cured but they’ll see the world of tomorrow.

DRAWBACKS

Ahhh…shit I can see the drawbacks though. Keeping a zombified human is a lot like having an exotic pet.

Will I ever be able to go on vacation again? Do I really want to impose on someone to care for my zombies while I’m away?

Do I want to be that guy who hoodwinks a buddy to zombie sitting for me away?

“OK here’s my elaborate set of instructions. Throw one live goat into my zombie’s pit every day and make sure to keep those chains oiled.”

WHAT SAY YOU 3.5 READERS?

I think you have to err on the side of caution and keep your zombified loved ones safe and sound in the hopes that a zombie cure is found.