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Preschoolers: Building Self-Control

Topic Overview

Gaining self-control is one of the biggest challenges that children
face between the ages of 2 and 5. Children need guidance, clear limits, and
patient parents during this time of behavioural and emotional struggles. They
also need interaction with other children and adults to help them learn
self-control and self-confidence.

Recommended methods of promoting self-control

Children learn to control their emotions best when parents and
caregivers:

Consistently model self-control. Children learn
by example.

Teach good behaviour. Children who are rewarded for good
behaviour learn to get attention in positive ways. For example, by hearing
"Great job! You used your words when you were angry instead of hitting," a
child feels good and learns that this attention is better than being
reprimanded for aggressive behaviour.

Teach children to understand
the feelings of others (empathy). For example, asking "How do you think your
friend felt when you were teasing her?" helps your child understand that his or
her actions affect others. Children are not born with a sense of empathy;
rather parents and caregivers help them learn this important
trait.

Use distraction. Finding a replacement activity for a
misbehaving child works well during the first year or two. For example, a child
who is bothering a pet may be distracted with a toy. The technique may continue
to work with preschool children, but its effectiveness will gradually fade.

Use
time-outs properly and sparingly.

Withhold
attention selectively. Children, especially preschoolers, crave acceptance and
attention. Completely ignoring a misbehaving child is effective in curbing
minor but annoying behaviour problems, such as whining or complaining. This
technique takes patience on behalf of the parents, but when it is used
repeatedly, it can be very effective.

Avoid physical punishment

Do not spank or hit your child. Some parents use spanking, hitting,
or other forms of physical punishment to discipline children. Despite a common
argument that physical punishment works because it makes a memorable impression
on the child, this type of discipline teaches children:

To resent and fear their
parents.

That aggression works to get people what they want.
Parents who model aggression by physical punishment encourage their child to
use aggression themselves.

To feel shame or humiliation, which
damages their emerging self-esteem.