Valentine's Dilemma Buying Online

Buying the last one Online can be an exhausting and terrifying challenge of faith.

Dear Susan,

I'm so looking forward to the day we first, finally meet, whenever that will be. With Valentine's Day quickly approaching, I was in a quandary what to buy you, my cyber lover, the woman of my dreams, that I met online and have been exchanging e-mails with for months. Then, when I was researching information for one of my stories online, I saw it. Supposed to be a surprise, having not yet bought you anything for Valentine's Day, this was the absolute perfect gift.

Even though it's not a color that I'd ordinarily buy, somehow, I could see you wearing it. It looked like something you'd wear, I think. It was so you, I hoped. I had to have it.

Even though it cost more than my Polartec 300 loge red 2XL hooded jacket that I absolutely love, never take off, and wear around the house, as soon as I wake up, (it's so soft, it's so warm, it's so me). I have 3 of them in different colors. I had to buy this for you. Now that you know that I bought you something for Valentine's Day, I won't tell you what it is. It's a surprise.

Then, when I saw that the company that sold it was in Michigan, the state where you used to live, I knew it was fate. kismet, and destiny. Do you feel the drama? But for my car, made in Dearborn, I never bought anything from Michigan and here, after meeting a woman from Detroit, what are the odds? I ask you, out of 50 frigging states, all the countries in the world, when everything is made in and imported from China, what are the odds that I my dream woman would be from Detroit Michigan?

Then, just before I clicked the button to put it in my cart, I saw that there was only one left. Suddenly with a foreboding feeling, I was in a panic. I couldn't believe what I was reading. Normally, I'd think that with only one left, that was a good thing, something that was rare for my rare beauty. Only, this time, I was shocked. One? I panicked. When I saw that there was just one left, one, just one, only one, I was reticent to order it.

Why was there only one? Was there only one left because this was a leftover from the Christmas inventory? Maybe there was something wrong with it. Maybe it was an irregular. I want nothing less than perfect for my beautiful cyber baby.

What should I do? I didn't know what to do. I was so ready to order it, but now, filled with consternation and foreboding, that there is only one left, I was fearful there'd be something wrong with it. It was so perfect, when I first saw it online, but now. Fuck! This can't be. This is just so wrong. I couldn't help but feel that God or the Devil was playing with my emotions.

Was it damage? Thrown around the warehouse floor, so much like a dust rag and the shipper, after blowing off the dirt, believing that the customer would never notice the dark stains, shipped it to you anyway, thinking that you wouldn't care that it was filthy, wouldn't even notice, because it was from me. How could he even know such a thing? He doesn't know me. Can he see me sitting here in my underwear ordering things on the Internet? Is that what the computer has come to now? I can't believe this. This is crazy. This is just so wrong.

Was it previously ordered, shipped, delivered, and worn by someone else for a special occasion and then returned, so much like stale bread or spoiled milk to customer service at the supermarket? Was the real reason that it was returned because it is inferiorly made? Maybe it just looks good on the Internet, but truth be told, it isn't worth the money.

There on their site, it looked so beautiful, so virginal, and so pure, as if it was something worn by an Angel and left behind, before she ascended to Heaven. With the lighting and in the way that it was displayed, looking so much like cotton candy or cotton batting, so soft, so very soft and so comfy, I could just see you looking so angelic when wearing it. My beautiful angel wearing my special Valentine's Day gift.

Deciding to go with my first impression and take a chance, I relented and clicked the button to order it. Then, I was directed to a PayPal account. God no. This can't be! This is torture. No, take me away. I can't do it. I won't do it. I don't care if I don't buy it for my cyber woman. I'll buy you something else, something that I don't have to sign up for, yet, another online account with another user ID and password. I refuse to sign up for more junk mail and spam, so I cancelled it, only to return a few minutes later and go through the entire ordeal all over again. God give me the strength of faith to order this as a Valentine's gift for Susan. What is wrong with me? Why am I so tortured?

I don't know this company. What if it's just a scam? What if there is no such merchandise and this is just to get my credit card number? What if it's a real company and they ship it, but it gets lost in the vast expanse of undelivered packages. Then, what? I'd having nothing for you for Valentine's Day but excuses. I'm at their mercy, aren't I? Because of this damn Internet, have I absolutely no control of my life anymore, whatsoever? Is my life now forever tied to the mercy of the Internet, PayPal accounts, and UPS? Egads! Gadzooks!

After talking in depth on the telephone to my therapist, a man who has extensively researched mental illness from the inside, after being committed not once, not twice, but four times, the last time for going Christmas shopping naked, taking his learned advice, I decided to chance it, take the gamble, and buy it for you for Valentine's Day. For you, dear heart, it was worth the risk, and with steadfast conviction, I pushed the order button and ordered it.

With my nerves shot and my blood pressure up, I needed to take a breath and relax. I needed to think good thoughts, so I thought of your big tits. Sorry, but it helps to relax me when I think of your huge mammary melons, that is, before it excites me. Unfortunately, because I was already in an excited state, thinking of your big boobs only increased my madness. I needed a drink, so I had one, a couple, a few.

Oh God! What have I done? I'll never sleep tonight. I won't have a good night's sleep, until the merchandise is delivered to you in time for Valentine's Day, if it will ever be delivered. With my bad luck, I've been taken. I'm such a fool. Only, my intentions were good and honorable. I hope you receive it, dear heart. I shall pray that you'll receive what I ordered and be as excited to have it, as I was to buy it for you. Hopefully, you won't be as agitated in receiving it, as I was in ordering it. Hopefully, it will be delivered to you in pristine condition, just in the way that I saw it on the Internet.

I don't know if you'll receive it in time for Valentine's Day or when, if ever you'll receive it, but if you don't receive it within ten business days, let me know. Also, if it is delivered to you damaged, let me know.

I'm sorry in advance. It's ruined. The whole thing is ruined! It was supposed to be a surprise, but now I spilled the beans. Now, I ruined my surprise. Now, you know that I bought you something special for Valentine's Day.

I should have stayed off the computer today. I should never gone surfing the worldwide web, it's just too frightening to be out there. There's too much information out there. I miss my encyclopedias. I hate Google, Facebook, and Amazon. They give me a headache. I miss going to the mall. I miss having a limited selection. There's just too much information to navigate.

I was excited when I first saw it. Indeed, it was so perfect and so impulsive of me to buy this for you for Valentine's Day. Perhaps, you are the one true love of my life. I won't know that, until I meet you and hear your voice, and see in person for the first time, but after all of this consternation, I have to go rest. I'm spent. I'm exhausted. I'm so tired. I don't think I'll be going on the Internet much anymore. I can't take it.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Love,

Charles

Dear Charlie,

Take a chill pill. I received it today. Maybe because it was the last one and they wanted to rid themselves of it, before having to count it when taking inventory, they shipped it overnight.

Thank you. I love it, I think, although living in Florida now, not having lived in Michigan in years, I don't have a real need for white flannel pajamas decorated with red hearts that have feet and with a trap door in back. I haven't had one of these, since I was a little girl. To be honest with you, it looks too much like long underwear, but it's the thought that counts. It's cute, kind of, a little bit, not really, not at all but, even though we're having unseasonably warm temperatures, with the air conditioning on high, I promise to wear it to bed Valentine's night, while thinking of you.

The white and red mostly go with anything, I guess, especially my eyes, after I've had a few drinks. It's perfect, just like you. It's absolutely beautiful and I look so adorable in it. If I had ears, I'd look like a giant bunny. Wait, just kidding about the ears, okay, Charlie? Please don't buy me a hat with ears. Please take your own advice and stay off the Internet. Next year, if we're together, buy me flowers and candy like everyone else. Okay?

Thank you. Happy Valentine's Day

Love,

Susan

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