Compliance Techniques & Frosted Tips

Brian McKenna bares it all, Dick Gephardt runs a new campaign ad, the Sanford-Brown Indians keep up the fight, and Blake Ashby ruminates on Euro-dance; plus, the battle over the Famous Gerber wakes up Grandma

"Man, the Pet Shop Boys are talented. Their albums are seminal. I wonder if 'West End Girls' would work as a campaign theme song...."

Sports broadcaster Brian McKenna works in radio because he's so insecure about his body

On November 17 veteran sports radio broadcaster/martial arts expert Brian McKenna began hosting a new show, Mid-Day Mayhem, with Joe Deniro on 1380-AM, Sporting News Radio. McKenna was in the news of late for his tough-guy exploits outside the booth and agreed to discuss (sorta) this and other innuendo with Unreal.

Unreal:Your new show is an intriguing mix of sports, pop culture and nightlife. Tell us, why do you think Cardinals center fielder Jim Edmonds frosts the tips of his hair?

Brian McKenna: He needed a change, and it's not working.

Is there any truth to the rumor that high-priced call girls troll the Ritz-Carlton bar for well-heeled johns?

I have no doubt in my mind that that's happening, but I wouldn't know from personal experience.

Come on, man.

My girlfriend reads the RFT.

Will Kurt Warner be in St. Louis next year? If not, what team will he go to, and more important, what church will he join?

He will be here.

Is he gonna join a new church?

No. Religiously, he's not a free agent. God has him locked up for a lifetime contract. But, then again, he'd better check with Brenda.

You're a guy who likes to keep in shape. Why do you think so many sports journalists are lard-asses?

I've talked to most of their wives, and they say after sex, those guys smoke turkey.

[KTRS 550 and Fox Sports Net media personality] John Hadley could stand to get his fat ass in better shape, couldn't he?

My attorney has advised me not to comment on this situation anymore publicly. Or privately.

You allegedly said you could have killed Hadley after you used a "compliance technique" on him during an altercation in the parking lot at Rams Park. Hypothetically, describe the maneuver that you would have used to end Hadley's time on Earth.

Hypothetically, I never said that.

What sort of martial-arts maneuver would you use to cripple Jim Rome, your chief competition on the AM sports dial at 11 in the morning?

The Heimlich maneuver.

You Don't Know Dick

Last week the Gephardt campaign rolled out a television ad in Iowa, titled simply "Matt":

"Matt"

"Thirty-one years ago our two-year-old son Matt was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Our health insurance paid for experimental treatments that saved Matt's life. But in the hospital we met a lot of parents who didn't have insurance. I'll never forget the terror in their eyes. As president, I'll get rid of the Bush tax cuts to guarantee health insurance for every American. 'I'm Dick Gephardt and I approved this message because it's time we did what's right.'"

Dusting off a personal crisis to highlight the human side of an issue is a campaign staple, and rightly so. Which is why Unreal suggests a sequel that would allow Gephardt to exploit the struggles of his 30-year-old daughter, Chrissy, in light of the recent Massachusetts Supreme Court decision on gay marriage:

"Chrissy"

Years ago our daughter Chrissy was diagnosed with terminal homosexuality. Our family's life in the public eye precluded her from coming out of the closet for decades. But once our daughter decided to stop living a lie, we met a lot of parents who had homosexual children. I'll never forget the terror in the eyes of my political aides. As president, I'll sweep the gay issue back under the rug, where it belongs. 'I'm Dick Gephardt and I approved this message because it's time we did what's politically expedient for me and America.'"

Gerbergate, Round Two

Score one for Ruma's Deli in the battle over the naming rights of its trademark sandwich, the Famous Gerber (see "Gerbergate," in the October 8 installment of Unreal). The sandwich, singled out for "Best Use of the Worst Cheese" in the RFT's annual "Best Of" issue, has undergone a name change at DB's, the Soulard sports bar that garnered the aforementioned honor. Under legal pressure from Ruma's owners Patrick Stoll and Mark Zang, DB's menu now lists the Provel-and-ham sandwich as "DB's Famous."

DB's owner Johnny Daus says the situation could have been resolved a lot more cleanly had Stoll not been such an in-your-face vigilante.

"Instead of just coming in and talking about it, the guy was a total limp dick from day one," says Daus. "He called and cussed out my bartender and my night manager. He called my grandmother at like 8:30 in the morning on a Saturday. She calls me and says, 'Who is this idiot that's calling me about this sandwich?' He made sixteen phone calls to either my manager, me or my grandmother in three days. His lawyer finally sends my lawyer some papers. So we just changed it. We've been selling pretty many of 'em now, so I didn't want to take it off the menu completely. And I didn't want to get in a big pissing match with this guy. He thinks he got all his glory with that ["Gerbergate"] article -- apparently he's got it hanging up in his place. My lawyer said, 'Just change the name and don't worry about it.'"

With DB's out of the way, the Ruma's crew is focused on Smugala's in Sunset Hills, which still carries a Gerber on its menu. "We'll see whose legal bills pile up faster," says Zang. "I want to set some sort of precedent."

Joe and Jim Smugala declined comment for this story.

Then there's B. Donovan's St. Louis Grill in Fenton, which offers a Gerber pizza. The ingredients: Provel, ham and a garlic-butter sauce. But the B. Donovan's incarnation doesn't bother Ruma's.

"The only thing that bothers me is when someone takes a sandwich that's identical to mine and uses half as much ham and half as much cheese, like DB's," zings Zang.

A Season on the Brink

On November 25 the Sanford-Brown men's basketball team dropped to .500 (2-2) in a lopsided 90-54 loss to the University of Dubuque. Coach John Campbell's squad enjoyed its best stretch at the beginning of the second half, when crafty swingman Gary Lenoir started in place of center Sean Smith, who spent the entire half on the bench. Campbell might be wise to relegate spin move-obsessed forward Michael Wallace to a similar position for the duration of the upcoming Greenville College tournament December 5, in which Sanford-Brown will face Logan College.