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Frenemies and Endships, Part 3

I spent a week staring at the draft of this email, unable to coherently write it because every time it made me cry.

I am sorry I made you feel so bad about our friendship. In my best recollection, the night of your birthday party went really well – we had fun at the restaurant, and then playing boardgames and I thought everyone had a great time, including you. I was definitely not drunk (purpusefully keeping the consumption in check because I do know how I can become) and made a point to not do anything Anna-ish, or attention-hogging, as it was indeed your night. All I wanted was to be there for you. And I actually left the next morning feeling that the whole thing has gone down famously, and you were happy. Shows what I know. Whatever I did that had upset you, on that day and apparently at several previous instances, I am sorry. I really mean it. You are my friend, and I love you and never want[ed] to be the cause of any matter of distress for you, on whatever occasion, past, present or future.

If you need a sabbatical from us, I respect that.

Love always,Anna.

And this response made me feel like a terrible person. I made her cry. For a week. And it made me feel like a bitch. Because that email was actually pretty angry and hurt, and well, bitchy, I guess. Of course, the cynical part of me wants to say, “She’s full of shit and she knew exactly what she was doing…and if she really doesn’t realize it, that’s the even bigger problem,” and the compassionate side (no I am not pure evil) says, “Oh wow, I’m a horrible person for making someone so upset.” I also wonder if she’s trying to make it about her again…since she is all “I, I, I, I” again. Halp.

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8 comments

Maybe I’m just mean, but I still think you should stick to your guns and keep your distance for a while, until you are ready. And when you are, make sure she knows it’s YOU who is allowing the friendship happen again.Just because she thinks she had a good time, doesn’t mean you did. It shows she failed to notice how you really felt the whole night, and if I remember correctly, she was stealing the spotlight during dinner, saying that it was dinner, and not your birthday. Though she may realize now what she’s doing, doesn’t hide the fact that she was rude and inconsiderate towards you for a long time. Perhaps the letter you sen her, and her crying for a week will help her realize that she hurts her friends, and those whom are closest to her the most. And if she continues her actions, she will lose them all.Obviously I don’t know your history with her, but this is what I’d do, for sure. :)I wish the best for you out of this emotional situation xox

assuming that the things you’ve blogged about before regarding her have even a 60% amount of reality to them- this chick either1-purposefully concocted this sob letter to accomplish whatever agenda she has, possibly including making you feel bad and/or getting a pass for her previous actions2- really has no clue and just doesn’t get itit doesn’t take a genius to realize that both options are far from ideal

@skinxbonesx – @npr32486 – @indiana333 – I think all 3 of you are right. Especially with the oi. Honestly, I was really upset for a while, but after consulting with my dear friends that helped me write the first letter, I realized that this was a halfass apology hidden in a very defensive letter that was all about her instead of acknowledging how I felt and what had upset me. One of my friends said she’s like the kid that does something bad, and the parents punish her, but then the kid cries and makes the parents feel bad so they say “oh, no sweetie, it’s ok. we’ll go out for ice cream now and now you’re not in trouble.” Everyone has said the same thing that she’s being manipulative to make her the victim instead of me (not that I’m necessarily a victim…just an idiot that didn’t see the truth till too late)….whether she’s being manipulative on purpose or because it’s honestly part of her personality, it’s not a good thing, and I don’t believe she is sincere.

That is the problem. I have been (somewhat) in both positions. I have been the one absolutely taken for granted and, growing bitter and somewhat scarred after the experience, I have been the crappy friend who keeps her distance, inconsiderate and stupid. This is something she needs to work on her own. You have to stick to your guns and let her figure it out on her own, preferably with someone else who will deal with her. Otherwise, you go back to her… she’ll hit up the crying jag which will only work until the next time she pisses you off or throws up her shit.My experience matches your position. It gets tiring. She wants all the attention and you’re second, left behind to clean up after her and pacifying anyone she’s also pissed off or disrespected. It gets old. I was stupid and stuck to my guns that I was her best friend and put up for it for a little more than 3 years, defending her every time people asked me why I remain with her. There really isn’t an excuse. Blind faith isn’t it.The only person this Anna girl will see is only herself. She cannot even read your body language or emotions. Why would I pity her when she should’ve paid attention to you? She’s asking you to excuse her and forgive her… without anything to work upon. I don’t see any written attempts to change or do better or even identifying (on her own) what she did was wrong. She simply cannot see it. She is blind. Some people cannot analyse themselves introspectively. She might be one. Even giving her constructive criticism… and she doesn’t agree, doesn’t fully commit to cleaning up her act….. then you will always be the one to tidy her messes up for her. Let her deal with it. She will discover how many people will put up with her crap. She will get tired of the high turnover rate of “best friend” and realize you really stuck it out for her. By then, you’re off into your own world, too far ahead the path to turn around and start all over again with her.Or so my experience with my frenemy has told me.There isn’t enough time in my schedule for me to complete everything I need to do for myself… why would I spend my free minutes cleaning up after her bullshit, especially when she can control how much she drinks? I’m done with the bathroom times and having random people tell me to take care of her. It’s enough. I got fed up.You got fed up too.Don’t give in to her.The bad times are outweighing the good with no life buoy in sight. Do you want to sink with her? Let her learn on her own. Those are the lessons which stick for life.

can u refer me to post that explains how your friendship happened again??I don’t have friends like her, most likely because I’m like that friend. or at least I used to be. I still act like a dumbass in a lot of respect, but over the years I have plateaued at an acceptable level of dumbassness, and don’t push it further. But when I do, my friends either bare with it, or they just get over it. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that we’ve all been friends for about 10 years now. We weren’t always close, but we have learned to get close. We have fought along the way, but we always thought it’s simply better to have each other. One statistic that I read said that the number of best friends in old people have gone down from 2 to 3 people to 1 to 2 people. I always think about that. And maybe you should too. A friend is hard to get, especially as you get older. You especially can’t get a friend that you can sit back and talk about the old days with. To do that, you HAD to grow old together. There are certain things that you can only talk about with ol’ friends. hmm. now I think I’m just gonna write a post about it on my xanga. At the end, I’d say you sit down and talk with her, and become friends.

@jai_ko – There isn’t a post about how the friendship happened. There is one about how the friendship fell apart (well, there are like 12 of them, this has been going on for a while).@Vitamin_D – She can do lots of things herself, but at the end of the day, it’s that conscious decision not too. And it’s my conscious decision to stay the hell away. It’s not going to solve the problem of her behavior, just to cut her out. But it will make my life easier, and I think I’m allowed to finally be a little selfish in that respect.

I’m the kind of person that tries to see both sides of a situation. With what you’ve been blogging, it’s kind of hard to see her side and think this is an acceptable apology or some attempt to repent for her attitude; past, present, future. This is probably Anna being Anna and you should negate the negative feelings you’ve developed after reading this reply e-mail. You weren’t being heartless. You were just speaking your mind on your side of the ‘friendship’. Continue with your hiatus from her and we can all only hope she realizes her big flaws and eliminates them, otherwise she’ll lose every friend she has and she’ll never be loved. You’re doing the right thing! Feel NO remorse for it