tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38524223972720681362017-12-13T18:51:13.631-06:00Muddling through MayhemTherapeutic parenting of teenagers adopted from foster care with RAD and other serious issues, plus younger biochildren - without going too insane.marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.comBlogger1091125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-30488799233996359162017-11-16T15:08:00.000-06:002017-11-16T15:08:33.382-06:00Trauma Mama Gift Swap 2017<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6XV64-5gVfs/V-niUblXaiI/AAAAAAAAFN0/_PXIPkhQZPIJmOQCRQuI1ue9DhsWEPnbACPcBGAYYCw/s1600/gift.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6XV64-5gVfs/V-niUblXaiI/AAAAAAAAFN0/_PXIPkhQZPIJmOQCRQuI1ue9DhsWEPnbACPcBGAYYCw/s1600/gift.jpg" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Several trauma mamas and I have decided to do a small Trauma Mama gift swap. If you are a trauma mama and interested in participating, please complete your registration form (there's a copy in the comments) and email it to marythemommy at gmail dot com.&nbsp;</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b></span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="color: #38761d;">Please be 100% sure that you are able to participate, remember there is another trauma mama who may be hurt and disappointed i</span><span style="color: #38761d;">f you do not follow through.</span></b></span></div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">One of my favorite things to do at Christmas time over the last few years is to participate in the Trauma Mama Holiday Gift Swap. Unfortunately over the years, the people sponsoring it found that doing this for large groups quickly became too much for any one person to organize. For one reason or another, many people did not honor their obligations (which I totally understand as we are all trauma mamas and Christmas time is HARD!) so many mamas did not receive gifts. Many others tried to step in and fill the gaps, but a lot of needy mamas were hurt and disappointed.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Over the years, I have participated in a small group exchanges, one on one swaps with another mom, and been an "angel" to a trauma mama who could not afford a gift for her child or herself. I'm so glad to be in a place in my life where I can do this.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">If anyone wants to organize their own gift swap or just exchange with a friend, here's a form I adapted from the From Survival to Serenity 2012 trauma mama holiday gift swap. I found it to be particularly helpful in finding just the right gifts. I hope this will inspire you to start your own group or just a one on one swap with another mom. Moms deserve special gifts under the tree too!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Trauma Mamas Holiday Gift Swap Registration</span></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Please complete at least the required questions marked with an asterisk. All other "Get to Know You" questions are optional, but please do keep in mind that the more questions you answer, the better the person who gets your name will be able to connect with you. It will also help us in creating matches based on similar situations, geographic areas, interests, etc.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">**Hint** If you would like to answer the "Getting to Know You" questions, but don't have time to complete the whole form all at once, write out your answers in a word processing program and then cut and paste them into the form boxes when you're ready to send it in.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Registration forms are due no later than <b>November 21.</b> All matches will be made on or before November 22.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Unless there are special circumstances that need to be considered, packages should be mailed to their recipients no later than <b>December 14</b>.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">International packages will need to be shipped no later than <b>December 1</b>. We learned from sad experience that if they're shipped any later than that, they don't arrive before Christmas, even when they're coming from or going to Canada.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">* Required</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><b>Contact and Shipping Information</b>*</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">Name (first and last):*</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">Shipping Address:*</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;">E-mail:*</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Other Contact Information:</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Examples: Blog, Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Pinterest, etc. You are also welcome to include a phone number or whatever other contact information you wish and/or feel comfortable sharing.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Getting to Know You</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">These questions aren't required, but the more you share, the more the mama who gets your name will be able to get a feel for who YOU are outside of being a trauma mama. Finding a gift that will be enjoyed by the recipient is a big part of the fun.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Not only does this information help her be able to put together a special gift for you, but it will also help us in deciding who you ultimately get matched with.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">One of the most fun aspects of participating in an event like this is finding others to add to your circles of support and friendship. If matches can be made among people with similar interests or family situations or whatever, they will be. Unless otherwise noted, these answers (along with your contact information) will be shared with the person you are matched with.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Briefly describe yourself.&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Share whatever you want about what makes you you.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><br /><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;"><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Your personality</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">General age</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Your profession / how do you spend your time</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Any special talents</span></li></ul><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Share a bit about your family.</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><br /><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;"><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How many kids you have and their ages</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bio or adopted? If adopted, how old were they at adoption? Where were they adopted from?</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What special needs do they have?</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What type of activities do you enjoy participating in with your family?</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Are you married, in a relationship, single?</span></li></ul><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">If you had spare time for hobbies or interests, what would they be?</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What are your top 3 favorite movies?</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">...the ones you could watch over and over again and only love them more each time you see them.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What are your favorite colors?</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">...both for decorating and for wearing?</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What is your decorating style?</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">funky, contemporary, eclectic, shabby-chic, country, traditional, minimalist…</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Do you collect anything in particular?&nbsp;</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">(coins, figurines, butterflies, angels, snowmen, etc)</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What are some of your favorite things?</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">These would be things you love and enjoy having in your life and in your space</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What type of gifts would you most like?&nbsp;</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">things to pamper yourself, accessories, crafts, soft cuddly items, inspirational items, food treats, things you collect…</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What types of things do you dislike?</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This would be things you smile sweetly at initially, but then they secretly end up in the trash bin later on.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Do you have any allergies? Gluten free? Caffeine free? &nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Include food, chemical, metal, etc</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What are your favorite foods and/or beverages? Do you drink alcohol?</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Do you have any dietary restrictions and/or preferences?</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What are your 3 most favorite restaurants?</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">What stores do you like to shop at when looking for a little something special for yourself?</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Is there anything else you'd like to share?&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">ie: a particular religious affiliation, perhaps you celebrate a holiday other than Christmas, any unique life circumstances or situations, etc.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><br /><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Commitments</span></b></div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><b>I am 100% committed to participating in this event.</b>&nbsp;*(Yes/ No)</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">100% commitment means that I acknowledge and understand there is a very real mama with very real feelings on the other end of this swap. She's also a trauma mama who's been in or is still in the trenches just like I am. She's very likely put much of herself into preparing something special for another mama. I want her to receive something special this holiday season to remind her that she is loved, that the work she's doing is worth it, and that she's not alone. It would be very sad for her to be looking forward to receiving something special from a potential new friend, but not have it arrive. I will make sure that doesn't happen!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><b>What if I need to back out?&nbsp;</b><b>*</b>(Yes/ No)</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">If circumstances arise and I'm unable to keep my participation commitment, I will notify one of the organizers as quickly as possible so another match can be found for my assigned mama.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><b>Shipping Confirmation&nbsp;</b>*(Yes/ No)</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I promise to ship my package using a method that can be tracked, even if I have to pay a little bit extra in order to make that happen. I want to make sure my mama actually gets my package once I've sent it.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I can help with this event by...</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">If you have the time, sanity, and desire to help make sure this event continues to be a fun and fulfilling experience for everyone, please let us know.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I can help with event coordination and logistics if needed.</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Should the need arise, I can help with the coordination efforts and logistics of this event. I am willing to help out by working with the other event coordinators, sending emails to other participants as needed, or doing whatever else is needed to make sure the logistics of this event are manageable.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">• &nbsp;Yes/No</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I am willing and able to ship my package internationally if needed</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">• &nbsp; Yes/No</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I am willing and able to be an "Angel Mama" if needed.</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Should the need arise, I can help out by putting together a second package for a second mama. Feel free to contact me if you need some help in this area.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">• &nbsp;Yes/No</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">If you have a question or want a copy of the form emailed to you, please feel free to leave a comment on this post (Comments are moderated. I will not publish any comments with personal information like emails).</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"></span></span><br /><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There's a form in the comment section.&nbsp;</span></span></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To participate you must email this completed form to marythemommy at gmail dot com.&nbsp;</span></span></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Be sure to add this email to your safe senders list so you will receive updates.</span></span></b></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-24650678900839134552017-10-25T02:29:00.001-05:002017-11-04T19:07:48.823-05:00Why Won't My Child Just Behave?!<div class="separator tr_bq" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-N2vynwFDl70/Wey3WEKd-_I/AAAAAAAAHlc/vTxk_i0pEPE--sjZlWS2CyxW9JO2ImmvACLcBGAs/s1600/behaving%2Bbadly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="655" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-N2vynwFDl70/Wey3WEKd-_I/AAAAAAAAHlc/vTxk_i0pEPE--sjZlWS2CyxW9JO2ImmvACLcBGAs/s320/behaving%2Bbadly.jpg" width="291" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="color: red;">Kids do well if they&nbsp;CAN. This has nothing to do with whether or not they want to</span></i></b><span style="color: #222222;">.&nbsp;</span></span></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><i><b>Our role is not to make him&nbsp;want to, he already does. Our role is to figure out what is getting in his way, and help him. Changing our focus to finding out what is challenging him, helps both the child and ourselves.</b></i> - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/02/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_9.html" target="_blank">Dr. Ross Greene</a></span></span></blockquote><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">I know that, for myself, understanding <i><b>why </b></i>my child is acting this way makes it feel a lot less like a personal attack. It's&nbsp; much easier to feel empathetic, and I'm less likely to be personally triggered by it. (For help figuring out how to achieve this state, check out this post -&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Finding the Joy</a>)</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br /><h2><span style="background-color: white;"><b><span style="color: red; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Identifying the Challenges&nbsp;</span></b></span></h2><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">We don't always know why children (especially children of trauma) act the way they do. &nbsp;It’s possible that they just want to watch adults get all agitated, maybe they want adults to fight to distract them from the child (and thus avoid conflict), or they're trying to recreate the chaos that their brains are used to - often they are "pickled" in adrenaline (or alcohol) en utero....&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Age-Appropriate Parenting</a></span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 16px;">Trauma can cause significant delays in development (emotionally, socially, intellectually...).&nbsp; Frequent moves and other&nbsp;traumatic&nbsp;life events can also cause delays or even get them stuck at the age the trauma occurred.&nbsp; Emotionally "triggering" events can cause a child to regress to a much younger age. &nbsp;Most kids with PTSD (and brain damage from RAD) have a tough time with processing, memory, object permanence, emotional regulation...&nbsp;</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 16px;">&nbsp;</span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: red; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Expecting a child to "act his/her age," can cause frustration and anger for both of you.</span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span><br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: medium; line-height: 20.7px;"><a href="https://www.verywell.com/preoperational-stage-of-cognitive-development-2795461" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Preoperational Stage</a></span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.4px;"><a href="https://www.verywell.com/preoperational-stage-of-cognitive-development-2795461" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">&nbsp;</a>-&nbsp;</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.4px;">From age 2-6, children are in the "Preoperations" stage which means they create meaning through fantasy.&nbsp; They are very&nbsp;<u>visual</u>&nbsp;and must touch or feel everything.&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.4px;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.4px;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/katharine-leslie-seminar-object.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Object Permanence</a></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.4px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">Kids with&nbsp;arrested development&nbsp;at the Preoperations stage (which is common for children of trauma), are not able to understand how we can infer things without seeing them. If you can't see it, Mom, it didn't happen. You&nbsp;<i>can't know</i>.&nbsp; Let me say that again,&nbsp;<b>if you can't see it, you couldn't know!&nbsp; </b>&nbsp;(More posts on <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/katharine-leslie-seminar-object.html" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Object Permanence</a><b>&nbsp;</b>and<b> <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/katharine-leslie-seminar-object_31.html" target="_blank">Object Permanence (cont)</a>.}&nbsp;</b></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><ul><li><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b>Toddlers (~2 - 3 years)</b><br style="font-size: 13.2px;" /><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Toddlers don't play with other children, but instead do what we call parallel play. &nbsp;</span></span></li><li><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>Pre-schoolers (~3 - 4 years)</b><br />It's not until empathy develops at age 3 or 4 that they start to be aware of their playmates' needs and feelings.&nbsp;&nbsp;</span></span></span></li><li><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><b style="color: #222222;">Early School Age (~5 - 6 years)</b><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>Magical thinking/ Distorted Reality</b></span><b style="color: #222222;"> -&nbsp;</b></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">Around age 5 or 6, children go through the "magical thinking" stage. &nbsp;They can want something so badly that they believe it, so it is true. I firmly believe that they could pass a lie detector on this. It becomes their reality and I don't believe they even remember that wasn't how it happened. </span><span style="color: #222222;">(</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/lying.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">More info on brain development including why kids <b>Lie and Stea</b></a><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/lying.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank"><b>l</b></a><span style="color: #222222;">)</span></span></li></ul></div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><span style="line-height: 27.6px;"><a href="https://www.verywell.com/concrete-operational-stage-of-cognitive-development-2795458" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Concrete Operational Stage</a></span></b></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">6-10 years</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>Concrete/ Black and White Thinking&nbsp;</b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">– Children under age 10 are concrete thinkers, and their brain is not yet wired to grasp abstract concepts at all.&nbsp; I tend to&nbsp;try to teach using examples and analogies (especially when natural or logical consequences don’t work).&nbsp; My kids could NOT get it.&nbsp; If we tried to talk about how they handled or could have handled a previous issue then they instantly were triggered into “fight, flight or freeze mode” because they felt they were being punished for this past transgression.&nbsp; If I tried using an example or analogy, like the “Boy Who Cried Wolf, ” they just couldn’t generalize it to the situation.&nbsp;</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Children with arrested development at the Concrete Operational Stage (which is common for children with trauma issues), may not be able to learn from peer or role modeling (watching others to see how they handle situations) or natural or logical consequences, because often they can't generalize one situation to another).&nbsp;</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="line-height: 27.6px;"><a href="https://www.verywell.com/formal-operational-stage-of-cognitive-development-2795459" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Formal&nbsp;Operational Stage</a></span></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">12 years - young adult</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Thinking becomes much more sophisticated and advanced. Kids can think about abstract and theoretical concepts and use logic to come up with creative solutions to problems.&nbsp;Skills such as logical thought, deductive reasoning, and systematic planning also emerge during this stage.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">How We Handled Age-Appropriate Parenting:</span></b></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I try to parent based on the child's emotional age</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" style="background-color: white; color: #5dc2c0;">Chapter 1: Therapeutic Parenting Based on Developmental/Emotional Age</a><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/07/choosing-joy-explaining-age-appropriate.html" target="_blank">Explaining Age-Appropriate Parenting To Your Child</a></span></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/therapeutically-parenting-adult-child.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">Age-Appropriate Therapeutic Parenting for the Adult Child</span></a></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></b></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-2.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Discipline Versus Behavior Problems</span></a></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Trauma, especially Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) can cause<u style="font-weight: bold;">&nbsp;permanent brain damage</u></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;and the brain has to be taught how to work around it&nbsp;</span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">(T</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i>hink of someone learning English for the first time - if they start learning before age 3, they will probably have no accent. &nbsp;Before age 10, maybe a slight accent, but they will have a lot of the nuances and colloquialisms. &nbsp;As an adult? &nbsp;You will always be able to hear that English was not their first language</i>.</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">)</span></span><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Discipline problems</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;(noncompliance, misbehavior) occur when the caregivers have not structured the child's environment for success or when parents are inconsistent (expectations or consequences), non-responsive, or inaccessible. When adults adjust their behaviors and attitudes, often children with discipline problems can be brought under control in as few as 3 to 7 days.</span></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Behavior problems</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;on the other hand lie within the child. These are persistent behaviors that do not disappear even with the best parenting (although good parenting can help to control the behaviors). These can include impulsivity, inattentiveness, and other behaviors like ADHD, FAD and immature behaviors associated with missing capacities in object relations.</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span></span><br /><div style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">YOU CANNOT EXPECT PUNISHMENT OR DISCIPLINE</span></b></div><div style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: red;">TO "FIX" BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS!</span></b><br /><b style="color: #222222;"><br /></b><span style="color: #222222;">Let me say that again.</span><br /><b style="color: #222222;"><br /></b></span><br /><div><b><span style="color: red; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">YOU CANNOT EXPECT PUNISHMENT OR DISCIPLINE</span></b></div><div><b><span style="color: red; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">TO "FIX" BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS!</span></b></div></div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Having behavior problems is like being born with poor eyesight. No amount of punishing or controlling is going to fix this problem. Glasses will help. However the parent will be responsible for taking the child for regular eye check-ups, teaching him how to care for his glasses, and restricting activities where glasses might break. The goal is that by the time the child is 18, he will be ready and able to take full responsibility for the care of his own eyes and glasses.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>How We Handled Behavior Problems:</b></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I try to remind myself that my kids are SCARED, and punishment for something that was&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-2.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">out of their control&nbsp;</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">(</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Chap. 2&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-2.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;">Discipline vs. Behavior Problems</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">), is not just mean, it is pointless.&nbsp;</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">As children emotionally heal, you will most likely start to see some improvement in behavior problems.&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Therapeutic parenting</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">,&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Therapy</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">,&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/01/more-on-medication.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Medications</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;can help a child heal. In the meantime, we need to focus on&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_27.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">empathy</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>I can hear you thinking, "My kid's behavior was horrible today! He doesn't deserve to go on a fun outing. He'll think he's won.</b></span></span></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I get it, but he may not&nbsp;</span><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">deserve</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">&nbsp;it, but he&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>needs</i></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">&nbsp;it. We tried to balance this so it didn't feel like a reward and wasn't a "blank slate" we're going to forget it ever happened. Plus, if we stayed home, or one parent stayed home, then the family couldn't go anywhere or do anything together, because one of the kids was in trouble (</span><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">always!</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">).&nbsp;</span></b></span></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: red;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Our solution?</i></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">&nbsp;All the children were allowed to go on "family activities" (</span><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">or we found something else for that child to do with a trusted adult if he or she couldn't handle the activity, because it was overwhelming or triggering</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">). If the whole family was doing something together, like going to the park, or the movies, or out to eat... then the child could go. We wanted there to be obvious rewards to being part of our family.</span></b></span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Not Feeling Safe</a></span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Children NEED to feel&nbsp;</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">safe</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;to start to heal. &nbsp; This feeling of safety is not about physical safety and often not based in reality – it is a perceived feeling of safety.</span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b><i>A child who feels unsafe is a scared child. A scared child will act out (or act in) to try to feel safe again.</i></b></span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Just like our kids keep using old defense mechanisms that are no longer needed, our kids with scary, traumatic early childhoods often get stuck in the feeling that they are not safe.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="font-size: large;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span></span><br /><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: red;"><b><i>This is a life or death feeling!</i></b></span>&nbsp;</span></div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Feeling unsafe is not rational. You can't explain to the child that they're safe now. Logic doesn't work. Feelings of being unsafe can pop up at the most unexpected times, like a PTSD flashback. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Generally this feeling of being unsafe will fade as our child heals, but there will probably always be times when it comes up again.&nbsp;</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">For a good explanation of why kids with trauma issues don't feel safe see: <b>The Frozen Lake Story</b> (at the bottom of this post) by&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_1498.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">Nancy Thomas</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">.</span></span></span><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">“<b><i>Children who don't feel safe in infancy have trouble regulating their moods and emotional responses as they grow older. By Kindergarten, many disorganized infants are either aggressive or spaced out and disengaged, and they go on to develop a range of psychiatric problems. They also show more physiological stress, as expressed in heart rate, heart rage variability, stress hormone responses, and lowered immune factors. Does this kind of biological dysregulation automatically reset to normal as a child matures or is moved to a safe environment? So far as we know, it does not</i></b>.” ~ The Body Keeps the Score,&nbsp;<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/290396.Bessel_A_van_der_Kolk" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Beseel A van der Kolk, M.D</a>.</span></blockquote><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">For a fantastic explanation of safety and why it is so important - plus what to do about it. I highly recommend the video&nbsp;</span><a href="https://www.createspace.com/331053" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>Chaos to Healing - Therapeutic Parenting 101</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;which explains Daniel Hughes P.A.C.E concept in an easy to understand and practical way. One of the presenters on this video is therapeutic parent and coach,&nbsp;</span><a href="http://parentinginspace.com/speakers/christine-moers/" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Christine Moers</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">. If you haven't seen her&nbsp;</span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WU_HJY8md-0" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">YouTube videos</a><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WU_HJY8md-0" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">&nbsp;</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">or checked out her&nbsp;</span><a href="http://www.welcometomybrain.net/" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">blog</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">, I HIGHLY recommend her.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Kids of trauma are often easily triggered, extremely sensitive to emotions, unable to regulate their emotions... causing them to react as if they are in a warzone. &nbsp;You can't learn, attach, and heal if you don't feel safe and you're living in a war zone!&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>How We Handled Not Feeling Safe:&nbsp;</b></span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br style="color: #222222;" /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Our kids need to feel safe and loved (<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a>). That meant I couldn’t punish them by taking away all fun stuff (even though I wanted to!!!)&nbsp;</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">A post on&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/10/consequences-versus-privileges.html" target="_blank">Consequences vs Privileges</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Our kids NEED&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chapter-3.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Rules, Structure, Support, Routines and Boundaries</a><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chapter-3.html" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">&nbsp;</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">to feel safe.</span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Additional Challenges</b></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><b><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">Attention Seeking?&nbsp;</span></b></span><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">At first, my daughter's the nonsense questions and babbling about TV shows or the latest drama at school - things and people I know nothing and care nothing about, seemed like she was trying to keep all the focus on her and/or drive me crazy. I found myself starting to avoid her. Then I noticed a pattern. When she was feeling anxious and overwhelmed she started doing what my mom called "pressured speech."&nbsp;</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/YHf4myTcIo8" width="480"></iframe></span></div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">Great YouTube video by the awesome <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/02/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic.html" target="_blank">Christine Moers</a> about why they do this - <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHf4myTcIo8" target="_blank">Nonsense Questions and Chatter</a>)</span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">When I realized this behavior was caused by anxiety, it made it easier to provide&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank">Calming Techniques&nbsp;</a>and fight to make her world smaller and less overwhelming (by providing&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support</a>).&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b>Empty Bucket</b></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">It makes me crazy that my kids can behave all day at school, and then come home and be&nbsp; whiny, require my constant attention.&nbsp;demanding (especially to me),&nbsp;picking fights, picking on siblings, getting into arguments with everyone, refusing to do even the simplest chore or task...&nbsp;(For more information about why they act this way, check out the post -&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" target="_blank">If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect, You'll Leave</a>).</span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-spoon-theory.html" target="_blank">My Spoon Theory</a>&nbsp;</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">The original&nbsp;<a href="http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/" target="_blank">Spoon Theory</a>&nbsp;is about a woman with Lupus explaining to a friend, that she gets a finite number of physical activities per day (represented by spoons) and that every task costs her one of her spoons. She often runs out of spoons before the end of the day.&nbsp;</span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">I believe that this happens with our children too. They work so hard behaving in front of other people, that when they get home, they have no emotional reserves (spoons) left. They trust us enough to let us see that they're not perfect (And yes, I often wish my kids didn't trust me this much! That's why I do a LOT of&nbsp;<b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank">Self-Care</a></b>.)&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b>Small Window of Tolerance/ Easily Overwhelmed</b></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">Overreacting to things you or I might consider minor.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 700; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Window of tolerance&nbsp;</span><span style="color: #333333;">is a term used to describe the zone of arousal in which a person is able to function most effectively. When people are within this zone, they are typically able to readily receive, process, and integrate information and otherwise respond to the demands of everyday life without much difficulty. This optimal window was first named as such by</span><span style="color: #333333;">&nbsp;</span><a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/famous-psychologists/daniel-siegel.html" style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #007ab9; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Dan Siegel</a><span style="color: #333333;">.</span></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">During&nbsp;times of extreme&nbsp;stress, people often experience periods of either hyper- or hypo-arousal.</span></blockquote><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><blockquote class="tr_bq"><ul style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 24px; list-style-position: inside; margin: 0px 0px 10px 40px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><li style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: inherit;">Hyper-arousal, otherwise known as the&nbsp;</span><b>fight/flight</b><span style="font-weight: inherit;"> </span><b>response</b><span style="font-weight: inherit;">,&nbsp;is often characterized by hypervigilance, feelings of&nbsp;anxiety&nbsp;and/or&nbsp;panic, and racing thoughts.</span></span></li></ul><ul style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 24px; list-style-position: inside; margin: 0px 0px 10px 40px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><li style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: inherit;">Hypo-arousal, or a </span><b>freeze response</b><span style="font-weight: inherit;">, may cause feelings of emotional numbness,&nbsp;</span><span style="border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-style: initial; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; outline-color: initial; outline-width: initial;">emptiness</span><span style="font-weight: inherit;">, or paralysis.</span></span></li></ul></blockquote></div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">People who have experienced a traumatic event may respond to stressors, even minor ones, with extreme hyper- or hypo-arousal. As a result of their experiences, they may&nbsp;come to&nbsp;believe the world is unsafe and may operate with a&nbsp;window of tolerance that has&nbsp;become more narrow or inflexible as a result. A narrowed window of tolerance may cause people to perceive danger more readily and react to real and imagined threats with&nbsp;either&nbsp;a fight/flight&nbsp;response or a freeze response.</span></span></blockquote><div style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">A child who is</span><span style="font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" style="font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Dysregulated</a><span style="font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span><span style="font-size: small;">and/or in fight/ flight/ freeze mode is “thinking” with the reptilian part of the brain (survival!).&nbsp; In other words, they are not thinking at all.</span></span></div><div style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">Their behavior is a purely instinctual response to what the brain believes is a<b><span style="color: red;">&nbsp;<span style="font-size: large;">life or death situation</span></span></b>.</span></div><div style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b>How We Handled Dysregulation:&nbsp;</b></span></div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">Helping my dysregulated child feel safe and calm was the best way to help them return to their window of tolerance. (See posts - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">Dysregulation and Meltdowns</a>; <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a>;&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank">Calming/ Relaxation Techniques</a>, ). I found that <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support </a>was the most helpful long-term in helping them widen their window of tolerance.&nbsp;<span style="font-size: 14px;">&nbsp;</span></span></div><div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank">Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder&nbsp;</a></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Be prepared for your child to blame you for their past (usually the mom gets the brunt of this). My daughter recently admitted to seeing one of her past abuser's face everywhere - on walls, and particularly - over my husband's face. She hates "him," rages at him, tells him he is mean and evil, accuses him of yelling at her (even though Hubby isn't even raising his voice), and she dissociates.</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">When in a<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank"> meltdown</a>, Kitty mentally shuts down - we call it freeze. She acts instinctively&nbsp;to protect herself. It's difficult not to hold her accountable when she rages during these times, but we've learned to wait until she's calm and then process what led up to the event so we can help her prevent re-occurrences. There are times when she doesn't remember the event at all.</span></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">Kids in a PTSD flashback are overwhelmed and in fight/ flight or freeze. It’s difficult to learn math and spelling when you’re in the middle of a war zone!&nbsp;</span></span></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b>How We Handled PTSD:</b>&nbsp;</span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Get a good therapist who understands and has experience working with adopted/foster kids with trauma. We love our EMDR therapist for our daughter, but still use a good attachment therapist too. Don't be afraid to "fire" the therapist if it's not a good personality match.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-emdr.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">EMDR therapy</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;is the most recommended therapy for people with PTSD. It is most often used by soldiers and victims of trauma (like rape or being in a natural disaster), and usually only requires 2-3 sessions. &nbsp;Obviously people who have suffered from long-term trauma (Complex PTSD), such as child abuse, would most likely require more sessions. &nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">There are no <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/01/more-on-medication.html" target="_blank">medications</a> specifically for treating PTSD, but with good therapy and meds that help with the symptoms, the child can recognize the effects of the trauma, learn to cope, and move on to dealing with the cause of the trauma.</span></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/12/holiday-aka-traumaversaries-trauma-tips.html" target="_blank"><b>Holidays, Birthdays, School, and Other Traumaversaries</b></a></span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">At our house, the acting out and meltdowns, were always worse around H</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/12/holiday-aka-traumaversaries-trauma-tips.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">olidays, Traumaversaries, Starting or Ending school Birthdays</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">... When I wasn't so frustrated at them I could scream, I pulled them in. I reminded myself that they were terrified. This was life or death to them, and they couldn't really handle change or added stress (this has gotten better as they healed). Even my bio kids reacted this way, just not to this extreme. (Helpful post -&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">Handling Meltdowns and Dysregulation</a>)</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><br /></b></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>Puberty</b></span></span><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Puberty sucks. Those hormones rushing around adds a whole new layer of fun. The good news is that while ages 13 and 14 were horrible for my kids (biokids and adopted kids), things got better after that. More info in this post - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/09/ages-14-to-15-years.html" target="_blank">The Teen Years</a></span></span><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>Co-Morbid Diagnoses</b></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Children with trauma issues usually have more going on then just one issue - attachment disorders, physical and sexual abuse, PTSD, RAD bipolar disorder, ADHD, FAS/FAE... caseworkers will not or cannot tell you all of what caused these issues, and often symptoms overlap and appear to be other things. I don't think I've ever heard of a child with RAD that didn't also have PTSD. Here's a good&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/12/overlapping-behavior-characteristics.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">chart for Overlapping Behavior Characteristics</a>.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Some Things That Helped Us Handle Behavior Issues</span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><b>Advocating for Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order</b></a></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/06/five-stars-my-top-10-things-i-couldnt.html" target="_blank"><b>My Top 10ish Things I Couldn't Do This Without</b></a></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">STRUCTURE AND CARING SUPPORT</b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;Helping your child feel safe by providing the structure they need/ crave.&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Most of all, I gave my kids a LOT of structure and support&nbsp;(</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">). Our kids need so much more than other kids, especially when they are overwhelmed and&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Dysregulated</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">We went back to line of sight supervision, time ins instead of time outs, removed as many overwhelming events as possible (not just avoiding throngs of hyper children in places like sporting events and the park, but also the grocery store and Sunday School). Yes, there were things I could do little about (school/ daycare), but I could talk to the teachers and minimize as much stress as possible.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">When stress was high, my kids’ life was like being in the&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-fair.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">FAIR Club</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;(our family discipline method &nbsp;), but&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/dear-anonymous.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">without actually being in the FAIR Club</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">COCOONING</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I tried to find&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/09/trapped-in-house.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">calm, quiet, but still fun, things to do</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;(</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/09/trapped-in-house.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Trapped in The House: Activities for Kids</a><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/09/trapped-in-house.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">)</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;so they wouldn't feel punished (taking a walk, letter parties … ). This wasn't about being in trouble or loss, they'd had enough of that; this was about making their life smaller. So they would feel SAFE.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">SCHOOL</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I worked with the school to try to find ways to reduce my child's stress there. (</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/anxiety-scale.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Anxiety Scale</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">)</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">SIMPLIFY</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">At home, I did things like&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/03/decluttering.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">strip their room</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;(</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/03/decluttering.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Decluttering</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">), because even with me helping them clean, it&nbsp;was overwhelming. So I did it when they weren't there, although I let them know ahead of time. &nbsp;I left nothing but a bed, a book/ quiet toy, and a stuffed animal, at one point I even had my daughter's dresser in my room, and she "checked out" her clothing by bringing me the dirty ones, THIS WAS NOT A PUNISHMENT. I tried to find ways to help them understand that. I pointed out that now cleaning their room would be a lot easier! (</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/07/choosing-joy-explaining-age-appropriate.html" style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Explaining Age-Appropriate Parenting to Your Child</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">)</span></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" style="color: #0b5394;">CALMING TECHNIQUES</a></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">E</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">ffective techniques for helping a child calm down or stay calm.&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I used</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">&nbsp;</a><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Calming Techniques</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;a LOT.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank">SELF-CARE!</a></b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">A lot of time I screwed up. I lost my cool.</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">&nbsp;I </a><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">gave up</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">. &nbsp;Then I did a lot of&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Caring for the Caregiver</a><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">&nbsp;</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">because this is HARD WORK. I forgave myself, which was REALLY HARD. I put on my big girl panties, tried to&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Find the Joy</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">, apologized to my child for not keeping them safe, and started over.</span></span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-weight: bold;">ATTACHMENT THERAPY</a><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;and&nbsp;</b><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" style="color: #0b5394;">THERAPEUTIC PARENTING</a>&nbsp;</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">As the child heals and attaches to you, he/ she feels safer.&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Being a&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parent</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;SUCKS, but it does get better.</span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/12/crisis-plan-and-alternative-placement.html" style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">CRISIS PLANS</span></a></b><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Setting up a plan with child's school, caregivers, treatment team... to determine&nbsp;</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i>ahead of time</i></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">, what to do if the child starts feeling unsafe and&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/my-child-is-raging.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;">acting out</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;or&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/11/disagree.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;">acting in</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/anxiety-scale.html" style="color: #0b5394;">ANXIETY SCALE</a>&nbsp;</span></b><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">A&nbsp;</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">concrete method of determining how child is feeling.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;" /></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/10/consequences-versus-privileges.html" style="color: #0b5394;">CONSEQUENCE vs PRIVILEGES</a>&nbsp;</span></b><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">Thinking outside the box (letting the kids help)</span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;" /></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">DEVELOPMENTAL AGE APPROPRIATE LEVELS</span></a></b><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">A&nbsp;</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">concrete plan used to explain to treatment team why child is being given privileges and responsibilities more appropriate to a younger child (hint: because they are dysregulated and don't feel safe!)</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></b><b style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;"><u><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-fair.html" style="color: #0b5394;">THE FAIR C</a>LUB</u></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;- At first, we used the FAIR Club for discipline, but then we discovered that it could be used as a starting point for the&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/why-i-use-fair-club.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;">structured lifestyle our kids with trauma</a><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">&nbsp;issues needed<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">.</span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>BUILDING SECURE ATTACHMENT</b></span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Secure attachment requires the development of<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/katharine-leslie-seminar-object.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">&nbsp;object permanence</a>&nbsp;and constancy.<br /><br />There are three basic steps to this process:</span></span></span><br /><ol style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Building Safety</b></span>.&nbsp;<b><i>You cannot attach or love if you do not feel safe</i></b>.&nbsp;Safety for kids of trauma comes from routines and security (which can be things like physical holds and alarms on the door, but also regular meal and bedtime routines). Parents MUST proved for basic needs (food, shelter, warmth) routinely and predictably, BUT feeling safe takes time. It took many years for them to feel unsafe and not trust, You can't expect them to trust just because&nbsp;<i>you</i>&nbsp;know they're safe now. It takes time to unlearn those defense mechanisms that once were necessary for survival. &nbsp;{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a>}</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Falling in Love</b></span>. Dopamine is the brain chemical that makes everything seem more fun and interesting. We cannot fall in love without positive fun and interaction.<br /><br />Think about this. You would not walk up to someone and say, "<em>Hey, what's your name? Hi Larry, you're going to be my new husband. You will live in my house, take my last name, and do all the chores on this honey-do list. You are not allowed to talk about your other life. Your wife was mean and she does not love you like I do. You love me and I love you.... say it! Say you love me!</em>" ---------------<br /><br />----------&nbsp;Of course you wouldn't do this!&nbsp;You get to know each other. You date. You have fun, conversations, and play together.<br /></span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Claiming and Belonging</b></span>. This&nbsp;<em><strong>cannot</strong></em>&nbsp;come first! You need the other steps to come first. You also must honor the child's choice to be a member of the family or not and shift roles accordingly.&nbsp;</span></li></ol><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Until a child is a member of the family they should receive&nbsp;<span style="color: red;">"The Basic Package"</span>Accommodation.</span></span></span><br /><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;"><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Provide a "structure and rehabilitation" environment (vs. "love and affection" environment). {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support</a>}</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Meet the child's basic needs for food, shelter and warmth.</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Provide affection in response to the child's demonstration of affection, but only if it's appropriate.</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Draw attention to the "giving and taking" that is part of every interaction. {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-reciprocity.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Reciprocity</a>}</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Give and allow consequences that will evoke caring behaviors. {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parenting</a>and&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-fair.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">The FAIR Club</a>}</span></li></ul><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Katharine suggests no chores or family expectations until your child is part of your family. Even the names "Mom" and "Dad" are nicknames that grow out of love and can wait until later to be used.<br /><br /><span style="color: red;">"The Luxury Package"&nbsp;</span>Accommodation<br />Basic package plus "family perks"</span></span></span><br /><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;"><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All things that children don't need but come out of the goodness of a parent's heart (ex. extra-curricular activities, chauffeur services, vacations, parties, dinners out).</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To qualify for this package a child has to mutually satisfy parental needs in some ways, most of the time.</span></li></ul><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">Earning the Luxury Package</span><br />A child can "upgrade" by performing certain family-friendly behaviors.<br />How do you know whether or not your child has given enough to deserve an upgrade and is ready to be part of the family?</span></span></span><br /><blockquote style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Close your eyes and picture a child. How do you feel when you look at this child? Do you feel happy and loving? Do you feel warmth?</span></i></b></blockquote><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Any time you wonder if your child is ready, close your eyes and picture your child. Does the thought of your child make you feel warm and happy. A joy to your heart as opposed to sadness, emptiness, rejection, or fear. {<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-positive.html" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Positive Behaviors</a>}<br /><br />Until the child makes you feel this way he or she is not ready to be part of the family. It cannot be earned or forced. It is a feeling.</span></span></span><br /><blockquote style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A&nbsp;<span style="color: red;">relationship</span><span style="color: #cc6600;">&nbsp;</span>is defined as a MUTUAL satisfaction of needs.</span></blockquote><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;"><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is no mutual well-being if a parent is providing luxury accommodations and the child is not earning the perks.</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The child will be momentarily happy (as long as the perks keep coming), but the parent will not.</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The ramifications to your child's development and the parent-child relationship go much deeper than happiness.</span></li></ul><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So here's what happens:</span></span></span><br /><ol style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The parent receives little or no positive response from the child and often the child is neglectful of and abusive to the parent. Without either one's needs being met, and unable to "exit" the relationship, there can be little to no feelings of attachment (leaving resentment and apathy).</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The parent's natural frustrations, disappointments, feelings of being used up, resentments, and demands from the child... are viewed as weaknesses, even emotional disabilities (unresolved issues) that require therapeutic interventions. Therapists blame the parents for their bad feelings about the child or might switch to the more willing "client" ignoring the elephant in the room.... which causes a lack of faith in therapy for the parent.</span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Everyone presumes that if the child's needs are met he or she will naturally begin to&nbsp;<a href="http://reciprocate./" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">reciprocate.</a>&nbsp;Loving the child and satisfying his or her needs is not enough. The child MUST be&nbsp;<u>taught</u>&nbsp;how to be in a relationship.&nbsp;<b>Role modeling does not work with our children</b>.</span></li></ol><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">ADDITIONAL RESOURCES</b><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect You'll Leave</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">&nbsp;</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><a href="http://parentinginspace.com/speakers/christine-moers/" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank"><b>CHRISTINE MOERS</b></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">, therapeutic parent and coach. See her&nbsp;</span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WU_HJY8md-0" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">YouTube videos</a><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WU_HJY8md-0" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">&nbsp;</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">and&nbsp;check out her&nbsp;</span><a href="http://www.welcometomybrain.net/" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">blog</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">,&nbsp;</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><a href="https://www.createspace.com/331053" style="color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">C</a><a href="https://www.createspace.com/331053" style="color: #0b5394;" target="_blank">HAOS TO HEALING - Therapeutic Parenting 101</a></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><u>&nbsp;</u>video which explains Daniel Hughes P.A.C.E concept in an easy to understand and practical way</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;">.</span></span><br /><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br /><blockquote style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;"><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><b>THE FROZEN LAKE STORY&nbsp;</b></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">by&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_1498.html" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nancy Thomas</a></blockquote></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq">&nbsp;<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">"In order to understand what an unattached child feels like, one must understand his perspective. Imagine that you are the young child who must cross a frozen lake in the autumn to reach your home. As you are walking across the lake alone, you fall suddenly and unexpectedly through the ice. Shocked and cold in the dark, you can't even cry for help. You struggle for your very life, you struggle to the surface. Locating the jagged opening, you drag yourself through the air and crawl back into the woods from where you started. You decide to live there and never, never to return onto the ice. As weeks go by you see others on the ice skating and crossing the ice. If you go onto it, you will die."</span></blockquote><blockquote style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;"><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">"Your family across the pond hears the sad news that the temperature will drop to sub-zero this night. So a brave and caring family member (that is you, the parent!) searches and finds you to bring you home to love and warmth. The family member attempts to help you cross the ice by supporting and encouraging, pulling and prodding. You, believing you will die, fight for your life by kicking, screaming, punching and yelling (even obscenities) to get the other person away from you. Every effort is spent in attempting to disengage from this family member. The family member fights for your life, knowing you must have the love and warmth of home for your very survival. They take the blows you dish out and continue to pull you across the ice to home, knowing it's your only chance."</span></blockquote></blockquote><blockquote style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: center;"><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;">"The ice represents the strength of the bond and your ability to trust. It was damaged by the break in your connection to someone you trusted. Some children have numerous bonding breaks throughout their young lives. This is like crashing them into the ice water each time they are moved, scarring and chilling their hearts against ever loving and bonding again."&nbsp;</span></blockquote></blockquote>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-81697625066883245702017-10-03T13:37:00.001-05:002017-10-03T13:37:11.748-05:00Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD)<center><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/HmEyTBLbiYk" width="480"></iframe></span></center><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Guest blog, our story</span></b></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We adopted T. at age two from a Russian orphanage. Minimal information was given on her life before age two. &nbsp;There was a cute video of her interacting with a caregiver, and that was it, we loved her! &nbsp;We knew that she had some kind of sad past, probable neglect, and we were willing to do "attachment therapy", or whatever it would take to overcome her delays. &nbsp;We, meaning my husband and I, already had a bio daughter who was eight at the time and lovely, so we thought of ourselves as great and experienced parents. &nbsp;</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">T. was evaluated in Russia as having normal intelligence and "usual orphanage delays" so we were confident we could help her overcome her past. &nbsp;</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">From the beginning there were difficulties but we were ready! &nbsp;So we thought. &nbsp;T. could barely walk, very unsteady on her feet yet she would NOT hold our hand, she would rather fall it seemed. &nbsp;We had to force our hand holding for safely. &nbsp;Trying to bond was difficult, I would rock her with a bottle, trying to make eye contact, as was recommended by the social worker. &nbsp;</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In retrospect, I think we overwhelmed her with attention, sensory overload, etc.....It was a hate/love relationship from the beginning, she would push me away, but then if I left, she would cry for me. &nbsp;All very confusing, and we were in constant contact with the social worker. &nbsp;The social worker said it would take approximately two years for us to become a "family", to make up for the two years she had no one.</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, we waited patiently until she was four. &nbsp;T. seemed quite smart, could dress herself, learned to read even. But stubborn!!!!! &nbsp;Loving arguments, wanting her own way ALL THE TIME. &nbsp;We fought her, becoming more strict, determined not to let her be the boss of us, which seemed her constant goal.</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">School was a nightmare, she hated it, hated the other kids, hated being told what to do...</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many doctor appointments were going on through these early years since T. had Tuberculosis and other infectious things happening. &nbsp;At every appointment I would mention her behaviour but it was never too bad at the doctor appointments, she did her charm routines and fooled everyone. &nbsp;She was learning ok at school and labelled as "a bit hyper". &nbsp;</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The summer after grade two was a game changer. &nbsp;I was determined to do a little school work each day with T., and this is when I realized she could not remember much of what she'd done in grade two. &nbsp;Red flags were popping up more and more, regarding her learning and behaviour. &nbsp;On the internet, we found an adoption clinic near us and made an appointment. &nbsp;</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was there that Tanya was diagnosed with Alcohol Related Neurological Disorder at age 8, based on her smaller head circumference, and behaviour issues. &nbsp;The 4-digit diagnostic code was used for FASD diagnosis, photos and measurements were done. &nbsp;Attachment disorder was also diagnosed.</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That same summer I had stumbled upon the book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Damaged-Angels-Adoptive-Understand-Pregnancy/dp/0786715502" target="_blank">"Damaged Angels"</a> by Bonnie Buxton, which is the true story of Bonnie finding out about her daughter's FASD. &nbsp;So we were somewhat ready for the diagnosis. It gave an explanation for what was going on.</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We were able to get T. into a multiple exceptionality class at school, after her diagnosis and some psycho-educational testing. Fast forward to the present. &nbsp;With all the help and encouragement T. has received over the years, she has still not been successful in getting her highschool diploma, or a job.</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We did keep a binder of all medical and school reports through the years so she has been able to qualify for the Ontario Disability Support Program. <b><i>[<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/02/organize-how-do-you-keep-school-stuff.html" target="_blank">How Do You Keep Your School Stuff Organized?</a>]</i></b></span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What will the future hold, so unknown?&nbsp;</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">T. wants all the things she sees her older sister having, a boyfriend, friends, a job, etc. &nbsp;But she's very unrealistic about her goals, doesn't take the first step to make a goal happen, wants to be "in charge" of people for a job but refuses to wipe tables, or take any kind of beginner job. She refuses to take advice from people who are smarter than she is, very frustrating.</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We manage her day to day, letting a lot of our rules go by the wayside for the sake of peace and harmony in our home. &nbsp;For example, she eats whatever, whenever, and not usually with us. We "bond" by watching a tv show together, her request. &nbsp;She wants to "bond" on her terms but I have to get my way too. &nbsp;Our bonding tv time is between 9-10 am so she will be UP out of bed. &nbsp;Some kind of routine is necessary so she will be awake during the day, sleeping at night. &nbsp;At least.</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We do try to say YES as much as possible, but will get her to do a chore BEFORE the yes, because promised chore will never happen if she gets the YES first. &nbsp;Such is the way of her attachment difficulties, she does not help me out of LOVE but only to get a YES about something she wants. &nbsp;</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I refuse to argue with her and I have changed my mindset to not stress about things. &nbsp;</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Somehow, through the years, acceptance has settled in and a realization that no matter WHAT we do, the FASD and attachment issues will NEVER go away. &nbsp;LIfe goes on.</span></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; mso-outline-level: 1;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD)</b></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><b>Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD)</b> is an umbrella term describing the range of effects that can occur in an individual who is prenatally exposed to alcohol. These effects may include physical, mental, behavioral, and/or learning disabilities with possible lifelong implications. The term FASD is not intended for use as a clinical diagnosis.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><b>Diagnoses under the FASD umbrella include:</b></span></span><br /><ul><li><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)</span></b></li><li><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Partial Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (pFAS)</span></b></li><li><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alcohol-Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder (ARND)</span></b></li><li><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alcohol-Related Birth Defects (ARBD)</span></b></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif;">Neurobehavioral Disorder Associated with Prenatal Alcohol Exposure (ND-PAE)</span></b>Source: National Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome FASD Terminology Summit, 2004&nbsp;</span></li></ul><div><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Medical issues you might see in a person with FASD:</span></b><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br /><br /><br /><ul><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Eye/vision and ear/hearing involvement</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Palatal concerns</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Growth concerns</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Immune system concerns</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Spinal concerns</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cardiac/renal abnormalities</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sleep problems</span></li></ul><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Common&nbsp;<u>misconceptions</u>&nbsp;that many people believe about FASD.</b></span><br /><ul><li><span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">FASD means the child is mentally retarded.</span></span></li><li><span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Behavioral problems associated with FASD are all due to poor parenting and a bad living environment.</span></span></li><li><span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Children will just “grow out of it”</span></span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span>Mothers had an easy choice not to drink during pregnancy and were just careless.&nbsp;</span><span>Source:&nbsp;<a href="http://www.psychiatry.emory.edu/PROGRAMS/GADrug/faqB.htm" target="_blank">Emory University, Georgia Department of Behavioral Health and Developmental Disabilities</a>&nbsp;(2011)</span></span></li></ul></div><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><span style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif;"><b><i>"Alcohol crosses the placenta. the fetus does not have the ability to metabolize it. It '</i>pickles<i>' the brain and it causes </i>brain damage<i>. Even with all the drugs that our birth mother did, it was the alcohol that left the legacy that Ellie has."<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jO-AKRR7Yuc" target="_blank"><br /></a></i></b></span><span style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jO-AKRR7Yuc" target="_blank"><b><i>Saving Ellie: Adoptive Parents Give Up Ill Daughter with FASD</i></b></a></span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><b style="text-decoration-line: underline;">Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Defined and named in 1973, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) is a disorder resulting from prenatal &nbsp;exposure to alcohol. Confirmed maternal use of alcohol might or might not be documented.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The diagnosis of FAS follows a specific outline. Individuals with FAS are generally found to have:</span><br /><br /><ol><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Growth problems (e.g. unusually low birth weight and size, before and after birth)</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">&nbsp;Facial dysmorphia (e.g. small head, small eyes, underdevelopment of the upper lip, indistinct groove between lip and nose, flattened cheekbones)</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">CNS abnormality (e.g. delayed brain development, intellectual impairment)</span></li></ol><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is important to note that these criteria are for FAS and not Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD). FASD is an umbrella term that refers to the range of effects, including FAS, that can result from prenatal alcohol exposure. FASD is not a diagnostic term.</span><br /><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sources: CDC’s Fetal Alcohol Syndrome: Guidelines for Referral and Diagnosis (2004)</span></i><br /><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders: From Research to Policy” Alcohol Research and Health (2010)</span></i><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span> <blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><b>Individuals exposed to alcohol prenatally who do not have identifiable deficits in all three domains required for an FAS diagnosis might be diagnosed with one of the other conditions under the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders continuum, such as Partial Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder or Neurobehavioral Disorder Associated with Prenatal Alcohol Exposure.&nbsp;</b></span><i>Source: FASD Competency-Based Curriculum Development Guide (2008)</i></span></blockquote><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><b><a href="https://www.nofas.org/faqs/what-is-alcohol-related-neurodevelopmental-disorder-arnd/" target="_blank">Alcohol-Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder (ARND)</a></b></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ARND is a condition under the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD) umbrella. ARND refers to a complex range of disabilities in neurodevelopment and behavior, adaptive skills, and self-regulation in the presence of confirmed prenatal alcohol exposure.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;">Specifically,<span style="color: red;"><b> individuals with ARND do not have the FAS facial abnormalities</b></span>, but may have developmental disabilities including structural and/or functional central nervous system dysfunction (brain damage) with behavioral and learning problems.&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;">Source: <a href="https://www.nofas.org/faqs/what-is-alcohol-related-neurodevelopmental-disorder-arnd/" target="_blank">Recognizing ARND in Primary Health Care of Children Consensus Statement, Interagency Coordinating Committee on FASD, 2011</a></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><u>Alcohol-Related Birth Defects (ARBD)</u></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;">Alcohol-Related Birth Defects (ARBD) describes the physical defects linked to prenatal alcohol exposure, including heart, skeletal, kidney, gastro-intestinal, ear, and eye malformations in the absence of apparent neurobehavioral or brain disorders.&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;">Source: FASD Competency-Based Curriculum Development Guide (2008)</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Discipline Problems vs Behavior Problems</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;">Discipline problems (noncompliance, misbehavior) occur when the caregivers have not structured the child's environment for success, or when parents are inconsistent (expectations or consequences), non-responsive, or inaccessible. When adults adjust their behaviors and attitudes, often children with discipline problems can be brought under control in as few as 3 to 7 days. This is the premise behind the show World's Strictest Parents.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;">Behavior problems on the other hand lie within the child. These are persistent behaviors that do not disappear even with the best parenting (although good parenting can help to control the behaviors). These can include impulsivity, inattentiveness, and other behaviors like ADHD, FAD and immature behaviors associated with missing capacities in object relations.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="color: red; font-size: x-large;">YOU CANNOT EXPECT PUNISHMENT OR DISCIPLINE TO "FIX" BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS!</b></span></div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;">Having behavior problems is like being born with poor eyesight. No amount of punishing or controlling is going to fix this problem. Glasses might help. However, the parent will be responsible for taking the child for regular eye check-ups, teaching him how to care for his glasses, and restricting activities where glasses might break. The goal is that by the time the child is 18, he will be ready and able to take full responsibility for the care of his own eyes and glasses.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"><b>How Do You Tell the Difference?</b></span><span style="font-family: &quot;calibri&quot; , sans-serif;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So how do you know if your child has a discipline problem or a behavior problem? The best way is to change the home environment. If the behavior stops or improves it is most likely a discipline problem. It it remains unchanged but more in control, and the parent is acting consistently, it is likely a behavior problem.</span><br /><div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">from <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-2.html" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parenting: Chapter 2 Discipline vs Behavior Problems</a></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HOW WE HANDLED IT:</span></b><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm not actually sure if my children have an FASD. I do know that they both have permanent brain damage and the resulting behaviors and issues are similar if not the same.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We did 3&nbsp; things:</span><br /><ol><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Changed Our Expectations.&nbsp;</b><br /><br style="font-weight: normal;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;">Really changed them. Redefined success for my children.&nbsp;<span style="color: black; font-size: small;"><span style="color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px;"><b style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px; font-weight: normal;">&nbsp;We lowered our expectations to what they could actually handle, not what their neurotypical peers could do or what their teachers and other professionals thought they "should" be able to do.. See this&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" style="color: #0b5394; font-size: 13.2px; font-weight: normal; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Level Chart post</a>&nbsp;</b><span style="color: black; font-size: small;">for some examples.&nbsp;</span></span></span><br /><br />Changing my expectations also helped ME immensely (<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" style="color: #0b5394; font-weight: normal; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Finding the Joy</a>). &nbsp;I'm less frustrated by their inability to do things that would be "normal" for a teen. &nbsp;I do have to constantly remind myself "She's only 6! &nbsp;She's only 6! &nbsp;She's only 6!"</span><span style="font-weight: normal;">&nbsp;</span></span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Parented with LOTS of Structure and Caring Support.&nbsp;<br /><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br />It took me a long time to believe it, but my children actually&nbsp;</span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px; font-weight: normal;"><b>craved</b></i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px; font-weight: normal;">&nbsp;caring structure.&nbsp;</span></b><span style="background-color: white;"><br /><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">When I began providing Caring Structure, I thought for sure they would rebel and make our lives miserable. They didn't always like it, but it seemed like their few complaints were based on what their peers thought about it, rather than something they were truly feeling. Unlike my neurotypical, biochildren who understandably would have protested the strict structure their adopted siblings required, most of the time, my adopted children just accepted it and moved on.</span></span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span></span></span></span><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">Without this structure or when we "lightened up," my son would act out until he had to be returned to the stricter structure level. Somewhere deep down, subconsciously, his brain knew he&nbsp;</span></span><b style="background-color: white; color: red; font-size: large;"><i>needed</i></b><span style="background-color: white; color: red; font-size: medium;">&nbsp;that structure to feel&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-size: large; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Safe</a><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">.</span></span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">My kids were easily overwhelmed and had a small window of tolerance. They were easily frustrated and were often dysregulated. We had to simplify their lives a LOT to</span></span></span><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px; font-weight: normal;">&nbsp;lessen the feeling of “overwhelm.”&nbsp;&nbsp;</span></b><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px; font-weight: normal;"><b style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><span style="color: #222222; font-size: 13.2px; font-weight: normal;"><br />We did this by making their world smaller.&nbsp;</span></b>This was often like childproofing – avoiding and removing things and events that can be triggers.&nbsp;<br /><br />See this post for how we did this -&nbsp;<b style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support</a></b>And this post for dealing with <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">Dysregulation and Meltdowns</a>.<br /></span></b></span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>&nbsp;Switched to </b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parenting</a><b><br /></b><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /><span style="font-size: 13.2px; font-weight: normal;">Found my children's developmental/ emotional age and began therapeutically parenting them based on that age -&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" style="font-size: 13.2px; font-weight: normal;" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parenting Based on Emotional Developmental Age</a><span style="font-size: 13.2px; font-weight: normal;">.</span></span></b></span></li></ol><br /></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-21231171290829977612017-09-28T11:13:00.003-05:002017-09-28T11:46:29.830-05:00Clutter, Hoarding, and Cleaning Their Room<blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Excerpts from&nbsp;<span style="font-size: large;"><b><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hope-relationships/201409/the-psychology-behind-hoarding" target="_blank">The Psychology Behind Hoarding</a>&nbsp;</b></span><b>When does cluttered turn to hoarding?</b>Posted Sep 05, 2014 Gregory L. Jantz, PhD&nbsp;</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hoarding is considered an offshoot of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but recently this categorization is being reevaluated. It’s estimated that about one in four people with OCD also are compulsive hoarders.&nbsp;</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Without exception, hoarding is always accompanied by varying levels of anxiety and sometime develops alongside other mental illnesses such as dementia and schizophrenia.</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Recent neuroimaging reveals peculiar commonalities among hoarders including severe emotional attachment to inanimate objects and extreme anxiety when making decisions.</span></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hoarding both relieves anxiety and produces it. The more hoarders accumulate, the more insulated they feel from the world and its dangers. Of course, the more they accumulate, the more isolated they become from the world, including family and friends. Even the thought of discarding or cleaning out hoarded items produces extreme feelings of panic and discomfort.</span></blockquote><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Symptoms of hoarding (Mayo Clinic):</span></b></span><br /><ul><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cluttered living spaces</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Inability to discard items</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Keeping stacks of newspapers, magazines, or junk mail</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Moving items from one pile to another without discarding anything</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Acquiring unneeded or seemingly useless items, including trash</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Difficulty managing daily activities, procrastinating and trouble making decisions</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Difficulty organizing items</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Perfectionism</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Excessive attachment to possessions and discomfort letting others touch or borrow possessions</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Limited or no social interactions</span></li></ul><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Commonalities among hoarders (Mayo Clinic).&nbsp;</span></b></span><br /><ul><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Age:</b>&nbsp;While severe hoarding is most common in middle-aged adults around the age of 50, their&nbsp;<u>hoarding tendencies began around ages 11 to 15.</u>&nbsp;During these early teenage years, they typically saved broken toys, outdated school papers, and pencil nubs.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Personality:&nbsp;</b>Oftentimes hoarders struggle with severe indecisiveness and anxiety.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Genetics:</b>&nbsp;Although hoarding is not an entirely genetic disorder, there is some genetic predisposition involved in the disorder.</span></li><li><u><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Trauma:</b>&nbsp;Many hoarders experienced a stressful or traumatic event that propels them to hoard has a coping mechanism.</span></u></li><li><u><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Social Isolation</b>: Hoarders are often socially withdrawn and isolated, causing them to hoard as a way to find comfort.</span></u></li></ul><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Why Children with Attachment Issues Are More Likely to Have Issues with Clutter, Hoarding, Chores, and Cleaning Their Room</span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chaos feels normal</span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A child who grew up in chaos might act in ways to trigger that chaos, because that is the "norm" for their neurological system. Even a child who came straight from the hospital to your home, still might have been "pickled" in stress hormones in the womb. To them, chaos feels "normal," and they will act in ways to make their life feel normal and <b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Safe</a></b>&nbsp;(<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 16px;">this is a "perceived safety" and has nothing to do with their current situation - where of course they are safe.&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-size: 16px; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a>)</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><i>How we handled it:</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Children NEED <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support </a>to feel safe and start to heal. This feeling of safety is not about physical safety and rarely based in reality – it is a perceived feeling of safety. It feels life or death to them! To help them feel safe, we&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">increased the level of structure we provided.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By helping them get and stay regulated, we saw fewer meltdowns and other dysregulated behaviors (like hoarding and being unable to keep their room clean). The more structure and regulation we provided, the more it felt normal to them. Chaos finally started losing its appeal.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br /><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">Executive Functioning</span> - ex.&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-adhd.html" target="_blank">Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD/ADHD</a>),<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank"> PTSD</a>, and damage to the frontal lobe</span></b><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's common for kids with attachment disorders to have issues with executive functioning.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>E</u></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>xecutive functions</u> are a set of processes that all have to do with managing oneself and one's resources in order to achieve a goal.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><ol><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Working Memory</b> - Being able to hold something in mind and then use it (like a list of tasks/ chores or how you told them to do something).</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Cognitive Flexibility</b>&nbsp;- the ability to think about things in more than one way to solve a problem.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Inhibitory Control </b>(self-control) - being able to regulate emotions, ignore distractions, and keep from acting impulsively.</span></li></ol><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sound familiar? All of course are required to be able to do chores and clean their room! See the post <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things my Children Can't Handle</a>.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How we handled it:</span></i><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">&nbsp;This depended on what was causing the issues. For the ADD/ADHD - we mostly chose the medication route, but<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/katharine-leslie-seminar-adhd.html" target="_blank"> this post</a> has some additional ideas. For the PTSD and other trauma issues, it took time and therapy. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank">This post </a>has some additional ideas. Unfortunately, for the brain injuries, like damage to the frontal lobe, we were able to help the children learn some "work around" techniques. <a href="http://chores%2C%20responsibilities%2C%20and%20other%20things%20my%20children%20can%27t%20handle/" target="_blank">This post</a> has some additional ideas.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><br /></span><b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Too Many Steps&nbsp;</span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">An overwhelmed child will often freeze or even regress to more child-like behaviors. Kitty was not able to do things independently, like clean her room. Especially in the early days of her time with us.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>How we handled it.</i>&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">First, I cut back on the chore expectations. I changed what I thought she "should" be able to handle, to more (emotional) age-appropriate tasks.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would break down tasks into small steps and give them to her one at a time. Instead of saying, "Clean your room," which was overwhelming and just didn't happen. I would say, "Empty your trashcan." and when that was done, then I would say, "Put your dirty clothes in your laundry basket." When that was done, I would say, "Put your laundry basket next to the washing machine." Most of the time, I would have to do these things with her (not for her, but be present in the room, often helping clean near her). <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Kids Can't Handle</a>.</span></span><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xX7WMyN0drU/Wc0WDq5VlII/AAAAAAAAHgQ/W0q6zDZC0JE0SoseJ8kXjCgsVrutT7xPQCLcBGAs/s1600/2015%2BH%2Broom%2Bbed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xX7WMyN0drU/Wc0WDq5VlII/AAAAAAAAHgQ/W0q6zDZC0JE0SoseJ8kXjCgsVrutT7xPQCLcBGAs/s320/2015%2BH%2Broom%2Bbed.jpg" width="180" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KaNbili0oXU/Wc0WSIAXHZI/AAAAAAAAHgU/UCR1j3Ixkm08y3_FPw7gwLbcHBYuZ_efACLcBGAs/s1600/H%2Broom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KaNbili0oXU/Wc0WSIAXHZI/AAAAAAAAHgU/UCR1j3Ixkm08y3_FPw7gwLbcHBYuZ_efACLcBGAs/s320/H%2Broom.jpg" width="320" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Eventually, she got to where she could do a few tasks at a time, but the chaos in her head will always be reflected in the chaos of her room. I still help her keep it regulated.&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/therapeutically-parenting-adult-child.html" target="_blank">Therapeutically Parenting the Adult Child</a></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br />Sexual Abuse</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A sexually abused child may try to make him/herself "unattractive" by being "dirty" or smelly. This can include his or her room.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>How we handled it:</i></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-6-abuse.html" target="_blank">Chapter 6: Abuse</a></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A related post about why my child's room (and person) reeked and how we handled it - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-rad-stink.html" target="_blank">The RAD Stink.</a></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Addictive Personality</span></b></span><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/01/the-addictive-brain.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Addictive Brain</span></a><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Finally an article that puts in to better words why my son has an "addictive brain." We've seen evidence of it for years, and knew it wasn't the drugs themselves, because the addiction shifted often and he could stop seemingly cold turkey (drugs, alcohol, tobacco, but also sugar/ junk food, sex, stealing, adrenaline, chaos...).</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Professor Peter Cohen argues that human beings have a deep need to bond and form connections. It's how we get our satisfaction. If we can't connect with each other, we will connect with anything we can find -- the whirr of a roulette wheel or the prick of a syringe. He says we should stop talking about 'addiction' altogether, and instead call it 'bonding.' A heroin addict has bonded with heroin because she couldn't bond as fully with anything else."</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So my son remains "addicted." In part because his attachment issues - the (in)ability to make human connections - haven't really healed, but also because his Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder means he is stuck living in a "war zone" 24/7. He carries his old "cage" with him wherever he goes.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><i>How we handled it:&nbsp;</i></span><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/01/the-addictive-brain.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Addictive Brain</span></a><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Food Hoarding</span></b><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This post has more information about why kids hoard food, which has some commonalities/ similarities to why they hoard trash and clutter.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How we handled it:&nbsp;</span></i><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-diet-food.html" target="_blank">Food/ Hoarding/ Diet</a></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hypervigilance/ Living in a Warzone</span></b><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kids of trauma are often easily triggered, extremely sensitive to emotions, unable to regulate their emotions... causing them to react as if they are in a warzone. &nbsp;You can't learn and attach if you don't feel safe and you're living in a war zone! &nbsp;Hypervigilance (obsessively monitoring their environment) is super common among kids with PTSD. &nbsp;It relaxes when they start to feel safe, but probably doesn’t ever really go away.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><i>How we handled it:&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Poop and Other Bodily Fluids</span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">&nbsp;It's part of them. Some children develop an irrational fear of the potty or "losing" part of their body (poop). &nbsp;I have seen a child "hold it" all day to avoid having to use the restroom at daycare, waiting instead until she was put in a diaper at night - causing serious intestinal issues.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've heard of kids hoarding/ hiding jars of pee, dirty pull-ups, used kotex... I can only assume at least part of this is related to whatever causes them to hoard.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>How we handled it:&nbsp;</i></span></span><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/08/whats-that-smell-potty-issues.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Potty Issues - What's That Smell?</span></a><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><b><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Low Tolerance/ Overwhelm</span></b><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-K9vQZHCSoNw/WcQby5aa0rI/AAAAAAAAHdk/ckaLu53DXt4Ml6b1RE6JKq7xiGzM8rEpgCLcBGAs/s1600/Chore%2Bchart%2Blevels.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="310" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-K9vQZHCSoNw/WcQby5aa0rI/AAAAAAAAHdk/ckaLu53DXt4Ml6b1RE6JKq7xiGzM8rEpgCLcBGAs/s320/Chore%2Bchart%2Blevels.jpg" width="248" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our kids tend to have a low tolerance for stress and are easily overwhelmed.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><i>How we handled it:&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Simplify</i></span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is sometimes necessary to simplify a child’s life a LOT to lessen the feeling of “overwhelm.” &nbsp;This can be like childproofing – avoiding and removing things and events that can be triggers.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>Make Their World Smaller</i></b></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This can be making their world smaller and lowering expectations. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">Level Chart post</a>.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><i>Strip The Room</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Following a therapist's advice, we stripped the child’s room to only a bed, one or two stuffed animals, a book, and not much else. In times of extreme stress, we moved our child's dresser to our room. The child had to bring dirty clothes to “check out” clean ones. &nbsp;This helped with hygiene issues, and lessened the amount of overwhelm. It made cleaning the room easier for the child to do him/herself (if they were able to do it alone at all).&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Room and Belongings Searches&nbsp;</i></span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bear frequently stole things and hoarded food and other items. Usually when searching his room, I gave it a good cleaning and removed all contraband and health hazards. While I usually did this randomly when he wasn't at home, Bear was aware that we did this for his safety, and rarely protested - even when I found contraband and gave him consequences.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Age Appropriate Expectations </i>-&nbsp;</span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Expectations are reduced to the child's emotional age. Kitty may be 16, but when dysregulated, emotionally she'd drop to about 6yo. Her daily chores became super basic.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We had a long discussion with Kitty about being emotionally 6 (still ticks her off to hear that), and that it wasn't fair to expect her to be able to handle certain things, and we felt it was cruel to dangle higher level privileges she couldn't actually achieve over her head. So therefore, I was going to stop "punishing" her for not being able to do things she wasn't ready for yet.&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Age Appropriate Expectations<i style="font-weight: bold;">&nbsp;</i></a></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>Chores</i></b>-</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We gave Kitty fewer chores and they are very simple and concrete. They were chores that would normally be given to a younger child (her <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">emotional age</a>).&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She did the same chores every day instead of rotating like the other kids.&nbsp;</span><span style="color: #0000ee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-decoration-line: underline;">Chores</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Put It in Writing</i></span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lists cut down on the arguing. It always surprises me how much less the pushback is when I say, "Is your list done?" instead of, "Do {this} now." I think it's because there is less implied "criticism" from a list. Criticism is probably one of Kitty's biggest triggers, even if there was no criticism happening. It's not a reality based thing, it just feels like it to her.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Changing Your Expectations</i></span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Changing my expectations has helped ME immensely (<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank">Finding the Joy</a>). &nbsp;I'm less frustrated by her inability to do things that would be "normal" for a teen. &nbsp;I do have to constantly remind myself "She's only 6! &nbsp;She's only 6! &nbsp;She's only 6!"</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><i>Declutter</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At home, I did things like declutter and clean the child's room myself (</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/03/decluttering.html" target="_blank">Decluttering</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">), because even with me helping them clean, it was overwhelming. So I did it when they weren't there, although I let them know ahead of time. &nbsp;I left nothing but a bed, a book/ quiet toy, and a stuffed animal, at one point I even had my daughter's dresser in my room, and she "checked out" her clothing by bringing me the dirty ones, THIS WAS NOT A PUNISHMENT. I tried to find ways to help them understand that. I pointed out that now cleaning their room would be a lot easier! (</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/07/choosing-joy-explaining-age-appropriate.html" target="_blank">Explaining Age-Appropriate Parenting to Your Child</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">)</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b>DE-CLUTTERING IDEAS:</b></span><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/03/decluttering.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Decluttering Post</span></a><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b><b>Kid school projects</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For all the cute school stuff the kids brought home, I'd put it in a folder marked with their name and age/school grade. A couple of years later, surrounded by the detritus of 2-4 kids' massive amounts of awards, report cards, stories, art projects I am able to go through it again and be fairly vicious. You can also take a picture of the item and trash the original.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b><b>Moving Time</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Every time we move stuff around (like when I had to give up my sewing room to Bob for a bedroom), I try to go through it again with an eye to "what have I used recently... or never"?</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Santa is Coming</span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Twice annually, I try to have the kids go through the house and de-clutter their own stuff. It works especially well to do it over the Thanksgiving holiday. I think I've blogged about this before. Basically I tell the children that Christmas is coming and they have too much stuff. Lots of kids would love the stuff that they no longer play with and the more they give away the more room they'll have for new toys from Santa!</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Numbers Game</span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When going through items they had many of, I told them they could keep "X" number of items. I tried to make it sound like I hadn't just pulled the number out of the air. Sometimes it was based on their age, how many they needed (7 days in a week so 10 shirts), or how much room the toy took up (Ex. Ponito got to keep more match box cars than his age that year, but Bob could only have 10 stuffed animals). I didn't tell them my reasoning, just said, "You can keep 10 stuffed animals." This way the control issues were kept to a minimum and they didn't argue with me about what should be kept (it wasn't my decision it was theirs!). Helped them learn to prioritize what they like and wanted.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fashion Show</span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't know how the clothes manage to accumulate like bunnies (except for socks of course, which disappear singly). Rather than just having them try on clothes, we make it a little more fun with a "fashion show." Once we have clothes pared down to just what fits, then they have to pair it down to just what's needed (the rest can go in the Clothes Closet or Good Will bag), usually one for every day of the week, plus a couple of extras. They get to choose which clothes they want to keep.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Clothes Closet</span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Clothes are back to being a huge issue for me because the girls and I wear similar sizes and all of us fluctuate in weight so it's harder for me to get rid of the clothes (I want to hang on to them just in case). I tend toward classics so it's not as easy as throwing away all the acid wash jeans with zippers and the ripped up sweatshirts (am I showing my age)?</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Garage Sale Prices</span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I paid the kids $1 a bag (large kitchen trash bags) for all the toys they got rid of - the theory was I would sell them at some future date in a garage sale and this way they got their share of the money now instead of waiting and hoping it would sell. We got rid of a lot of those McD*nald type toys that clutter up everyone's toy boxes! I also paid them $1 for full bags of trash (to try to avoid the kids putting trash in the sale bags to fill them up faster).</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sort Immediately</span></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>Laundry</u> is my nemesis. I try to put the laundry basket near the drawers or closet where the majority of them go and put them away directly into the appropriate drawer, but I have to admit, we have a couch in our bedroom that is draped with sorted piles of clean clothes (my husband's shirt stack, my shirt stack, his undies, my undies, matched socks, folded towels...). Not sure why I have trouble doing that extra step of actually putting them away.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>Paperwork i</u>s my other big clutter issue. Hubby keeps every bill we ever had - mostly not opened because he pays online - and that's a LOT! I have IEPs, psych evals, applications, reports... for both kids. I've gotten a little more organized about that, because otherwise the piles will eat me (I love my <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/02/organize-how-do-you-keep-school-stuff.html" target="_blank">3" 3-ring binders</a>). Now that I'm in two NAMI classes, trying to study for my social work license, and keep up on my reading, that adds up too. I try not to even go to the mailbox unless I'm ready to sort right then. Hubby's, Old Company, Mine, and Trash (recycling). Coupons and stuff go in my car - which I usually end up throwing away as they expire.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b><b>Inspiration</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I read books about de-cluttering, watch lots of trash TV including things like Clean House and other decorating shows for inspiration. I signed up for Fly Lady at one point - which was really helpful. Of course the kids are old enough now to do lots of stuff for themselves (laundry, dishes, etc.) as evidenced by our chore chart.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">More posts on techniques for stripping/ decluttering the room:</span></span><br /><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/adult-boarder-vs-family-girl.html" target="_blank">Adult Boarder vs "Family Girl"</a></span></b><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><div></div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><div style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/therapeutically-parenting-adult-child.html" target="_blank">Therapeutically Parenting the Adult Child</a></span></b></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-33171489230917475932017-08-27T12:18:00.001-05:002017-08-27T12:18:42.158-05:009 Year Blog Anniversary<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TU9Tt-h2f8Q/WaL-EnmGLbI/AAAAAAAAHZM/ZmWq3KzzwKQGZn0ZEnjDB85x5G0Ge8RQgCLcBGAs/s1600/supermom.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="300" height="190" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TU9Tt-h2f8Q/WaL-EnmGLbI/AAAAAAAAHZM/ZmWq3KzzwKQGZn0ZEnjDB85x5G0Ge8RQgCLcBGAs/s200/supermom.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><br /><br />I can't believe it's been 9 years since I started this blog!<br /><br /><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OV3n_Z5QANc/WaL-FAvqmdI/AAAAAAAAHZY/2xGrdWyOPgEpzdY_zAtZL42e-2bLwEymQCLcBGAs/s1600/superwomanTiara.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="300" height="190" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OV3n_Z5QANc/WaL-FAvqmdI/AAAAAAAAHZY/2xGrdWyOPgEpzdY_zAtZL42e-2bLwEymQCLcBGAs/s200/superwomanTiara.jpg" width="200" /></a>This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of children adopted as teens who have RAD, trauma other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" biokids), is not easy, and there are often time when I say what I feel... <i>at that moment</i>. We're all human!<br /><br /><b>It started out as a way to vent</b><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2008/08/venting.html" target="_blank">My First Blog Pos</a>t<br />In our house, it's called the "<b>Three Vent Rule</b>." In my need to talk through my problems, I discovered I was not only burdening my friends and family with my problems, but I was also "ruminating" and actually making myself feel worse.&nbsp;</blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq">I eventually came up with the "<b>Three Vent Rule</b>" - which stated that I could only whine/ complain on any one subject to no more than 3 people. I try to spread the love around too so no one person bears the burden of all my whinging (except Hubby - poor baby always has to listen, but that's why I married him - because of his broad shoulders - designed to bear all the weight of my world, and then some). I also had an unwritten rule to try to make the story as entertaining as possible so no one would notice what a total whiner baby I really am.<br /><br />Another big source of venting for me was the long e-mail (Hubby calls them novels). I would write all about what my children were in to (or more likely up to) and the whole adoption team was FORCED to read them. Now that my children's adoptions are FINALLY final, I no longer have a captive audience. I'm hoping that this blog will allow me to vent without overwhelming my small support group.<br />So now I begin the journey into blogging.</blockquote><br /><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QYFsL5wi3l4/WaL-Et-GPjI/AAAAAAAAHZQ/SQ8jsYgFoYMmCrZPQaeW1DHtUuF5PLdfACLcBGAs/s1600/superwomanOlder.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="300" height="190" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QYFsL5wi3l4/WaL-Et-GPjI/AAAAAAAAHZQ/SQ8jsYgFoYMmCrZPQaeW1DHtUuF5PLdfACLcBGAs/s200/superwomanOlder.jpg" width="200" /></a><br /><b>5 Years Ago - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/05/where-did-your-blog-go.html" target="_blank">Where Did Your Blog Go?</a></b><br />&nbsp;I had shut my blog down when I discovered the kids' &nbsp;biofamily were reading it. When I decided to put it back up, these were my reasons:<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><br /><div class="yiv335939376msonormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"></div><ol style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">As a place to vent and get support from other moms who "get it." &nbsp;When I first started blogging I didn't have access to this amazing community, and the few people I knew who'd adopted, even those who'd adopted RAD kids, had adopted younger children. &nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">To share and provide support and education for other trauma mamas. &nbsp;Over the years I've had to acquire a crash course in RAD and trauma and I didn't want others to have to go through what I did and make the same mistakes I made.<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">To provide information to those in my kids' lives that needed it (like Grandma), without having to repeat myself or chance having the kids over hear it.<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">To maintain a record of events.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></li></ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I seriously considered closing my blog permanently after these events. &nbsp;It had become harder and harder to find the time to blog, and as I was becoming more despondent and hopeless over the fact that Kitty was getting worse and worse and we had fewer and fewer options. I was blogging from a more and more negative place, and that felt awful. &nbsp;I chose not to stop because:<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div><ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">While I do have other places to vent, most of them don't know the "back story," and therefore most of their support is sending hugs and prayers (which are greatly appreciated!), but less practical. &nbsp;This group has helped me be a better advocate and therapeutic parent for my children - through support, advice, and even helping me write documents. &nbsp;It also helps to get validation from people who know I'm not a saint or evil personified. &nbsp;In the weeks since I've closed down the blog I've realized how much I need and care about all of you!<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">I get a lot of positive feedback and personal satisfaction out of my role as educator and advocate. &nbsp;It is extremely helpful to be able to say, "Oh, I learned a lot about that at Katharine Leslie's seminar or here's how we handle discipline at our house - here's a link." &nbsp;I can't imagine just throwing all those resources away. &nbsp;When you don't get a lot of positive feedback from your kids, it helps to get it from somewhere!<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">It helps me maintain my link to this community and its resources.<o:p></o:p></span></li></ol></li></ol><br /><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OV3n_Z5QANc/WaL-FAvqmdI/AAAAAAAAHZY/2xGrdWyOPgEpzdY_zAtZL42e-2bLwEymQCLcBGAs/s1600/superwomanTiara.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="300" height="190" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OV3n_Z5QANc/WaL-FAvqmdI/AAAAAAAAHZY/2xGrdWyOPgEpzdY_zAtZL42e-2bLwEymQCLcBGAs/s200/superwomanTiara.jpg" width="200" /></a><br /><b>Present Day</b><br />Now, I mostly blog for different reasons. <br /><br />I've become very active in the trauma/ attachment issues community, working with foster, adoptive, bio, step, blended... families dealing with children with attachment challenges. Among other Facebook groups, I moderate a large online support group called Parenting Attachment Challenged Children. In giving advice, suggestions, and resources it helped to have it all written in one place to refer to rather than having to rewrite the same information over and over.<br /><br />I still do the occasional update about my family, but now they are all legally adults and stable (mostly), it's more about supporting this community.<br /><br />I don't blog as much as I used to, mostly when someone asks me a question I don't already have a post about. I'm looking forward to the coming years!<br /><br />marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-55808281856358319802017-08-24T12:03:00.002-05:002017-08-24T12:10:16.074-05:00What's That Smell? Potty Issues<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">There are many different causes for "potty issues" (aka "enuresis" - wetting and "encopresis" - pooping). &nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Often there is more than one cause. &nbsp;</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Potty issues" can be bed wetting, refusal to poop, daytime wetting or pooping, pooping or wetting in inappropriate places or at inappropriate times, "painting" with poop...).&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Dysregulation, trauma triggers, a need for control... can cause issues and regression in this area. These can also cause the "<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-rad-stink.html" target="_blank">RAD Stink</a>" which has little to do with potty issues, but usually smells worse.</span><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-rad-stink.html"><span style="color: #0b5394;">The RAD Stink</span></a></b>&nbsp;- You've heard of the "smell of fear"? &nbsp;This is the smell of dysregulation. &nbsp;It usually smells like a combination of poo and the worst body odor you can imagine. &nbsp;Yes, sometimes our kids' hygiene is not the best, but this stench doesn't go away, even with thorough washing and a change of clothes (although we have found that using a combination of antibiotic waterless hand soap under the armpits and a change of clothing can frequently keep the school from sending her home yet again!).&nbsp;</span></blockquote><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>Developmental</b>&nbsp;- lack of readiness for potty training.&nbsp;</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif;">This can be emotional development too! Your child could be 8 years old, but operating emotionally at the level of a toddler. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Age Appropriate Therapeutic Parenting</a></span><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><u><b>My Potty Training Philosophy</b></u>&nbsp;is that it is better for children to switch straight from diapers to underwear when they have&nbsp;<b><i>all</i></b><i>&nbsp;</i>of the signs of readiness (Showing an interest in the potty.&nbsp; Able to take own clothes on and off.&nbsp; Staying dry for over an hour or so - Children who are not physically ready will&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">“dribble”</span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">&nbsp;all the time, rather than hold the urine</span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">).<o:p></o:p></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b><br /></b></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>Physical causes</b></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">&nbsp;- Potty issues can be caused by:<br /></span></div><ul><li>Chronic constipation (which can also cause urinary tract infections),&nbsp;</li><li>Urinary/ bladder/ kidney infections,</li><li>Problems with the "plumbing" (Kitty and my sister had to have surgery to correct issues with their "plumbing" - the "tubes" leading from the bladder being too small or the valves from the kidneys not working correctly),&nbsp;</li><li>Allergies can cause severe gastrointestinal issues,&nbsp;</li><li>Medications and med changes can cause gastrointestinal issues and other issues</li><li>Sleep issues - deep sleep (which can be caused by exhaustion, medications, or be biological/ genetic predisposition...) can mean the body may not "hear" the signals that the bladder or intestines are full</li><li>Hormones (trauma can trigger early onset of puberty meaning hormones can come into play at a much younger age!),</li><li>Hernias (my nephew had a hernia at age 8 that caused him to wet his bed at night)...</li><li>Scarring body may not "hear" or recognize the signals</li></ul><br /><o:p></o:p><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>Emotional causes</b></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">&nbsp;- This subject will always make me think of&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/02/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic.html" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;" target="_blank"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Christine Moer's</span></a><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">&nbsp;</span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYcMgFrHUT8" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;" target="_blank"><span style="color: #0b5394;">&nbsp;"Pee Song."</span></a><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/bYcMgFrHUT8/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/bYcMgFrHUT8?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div><ul style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;"><li style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><u>&nbsp;</u></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><u>It's part of them. </u>Some children develop an&nbsp;<u>irrational fear&nbsp;</u>of the potty or "losing" part of their body (poop). &nbsp;I have seen a child "hold it" all day to avoid having to use the restroom at daycare, waiting instead until she was put in a diaper at night - causing serious intestinal issues.</span></span></div></li><li style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><u style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Distracted, forgets, or doesn't like transitions</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;">&nbsp; - to stop what they're doing and go potty). They may be dissociating - not aware of the world around them, or the opposite- too focused (hyper focused) on what they are doing to stop and use the restroom.</span></span></span></div></li><li style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><u style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">&nbsp;Doesn't want to draw attention to themselves</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;">. &nbsp;The child may be afraid or uncomfortable asking or interrupting to ask to go. &nbsp;</span></span></span></span></div></li><li style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">&nbsp;</span></span><u style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Dissociation from physical self or lowered awareness of body</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;">&nbsp;- not knowing they need to go until it is too late - this can include not realizing or not caring that they have wet or messed their clothing. &nbsp;&nbsp;</span></span></span></span></span></div></li><li style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">&nbsp;</span></span><u style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Sexual abuse</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;">&nbsp;can cause a fear of bathrooms (might reminds them of the place they were abused), unwillingness to be naked (for toileting, baths, or showers), and unwillingness to touch themselves in places they were abused (causing issues with wiping and hygeine as well). A sexually abused child may have tried to make him/herself "unattractive" by being "dirty" or smelly.&nbsp;</span></span></span></span></span></span></div></li><li style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">&nbsp;</span></span><u style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Outdated defense mechanism</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;">&nbsp;- &nbsp;A way to protect themselves emotionally.&nbsp;</span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">Sometimes old defense mechanisms outlive their usefulness, but the child can't stop.Defense mechanisms can feel life or death and the child doesn't feel safe without them (this is a "perceived safety" and has nothing to do with their current situation - where of course they are safe). <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?</a></span></div></li><li style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><u>Regression or delayed development</u>. &nbsp;Frequently children with trauma issues will remain stuck in earlier developmental stages or will regress - especially when dysregulated or triggered. The child may not be ready for potty training yet (or any more). It might be a way for your child to tell you they need the support and attention you would give a younger child - like kids who start baby talking, "forget" how to do things they used to be able to do, and wanting to be fed by you.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div></li><li style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><u style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Way of expressing without words that they are unhappy or in emotional distress</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;">. Sometimes it really is a way of saying, "I'm pissed," or "Poo on you!" It also could mean "This is a poopy situation!" or "I don't give a poo!"</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div></li><li style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><u style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Entertainment and attention.&nbsp;</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Enjoys watching others jump around and get upset. Draws attention to them (negative attention is still attention!).</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div></li><li style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><u style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Feeling in control of their environment</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;">&nbsp;- a lot of kids feel that they can't control what's going on in their lives, but they can control what goes in to and out of their bodies and what happens to it.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div></li><li style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><u>Hoarding</u>. An irrational fear that can be caused by a loss of everything when moved to a new situation (like foster care) or due to a mental health disorder like&nbsp;</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and/or depression.</span></div></li><li style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><u style="font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">The smell feels "normal," maybe even comforting</span></u><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">. A child who experienced neglect at a young age, may have consistently sat in wet/ dirty diapers or surrounded by this smell. Just like a child who grew up in chaos might act in ways to trigger that chaos, because that is the "norm" for their neurological system.</span></div></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><u>Proof you love them.</u>&nbsp;Only parents handle pee and poop and still love you.&nbsp;</span></span></span></div></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif;"><u style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Pushing you away before you can reject them -&nbsp;</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Many kids of trauma "know" they are unworthy or unlovable and believe that when you find out you will leave like everyone else - so to get control of that they find ways to push you away -<span style="color: #0b5394;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html">&nbsp;If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect You'll Leave.</a></span></span></span></div></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><u style="font-size: 13.2px; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">For reasons we don't always understand!&nbsp;</span></u><span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">&nbsp;I worked with a neurotypical fully potty-trained child in a daycare situation who liked to change her clothes... frequently. &nbsp;When told she couldn't just change her clothes for no reason (teacher didn't have time to stop everything and let her change multiple times a day) - the little girl "<i>made</i>" a reason! &nbsp;It took us awhile to figure it out, and the first thing I tried (stopped allowing her to change into her pretty princess panties and cute outfits and providing her with gender neutral clothes from the class stash) caused her to step up her game, until eventually she even started finger-painting with poop. We had to back up and stop making it a control issue.</span></div></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">&nbsp;</span></span><u style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Some combination of the above</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt;">&nbsp;-&nbsp;Dysregulation, illness, hormones, med changes, trauma triggers... all can suddenly trigger or worsen issues.&nbsp;</span></span></span></span></div></li></ul><div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif;"><u><br /></u></span></div><div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>So What Do You Do About It?</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">This is why part of our job as a therapeutic parent is to be a detective. Figuring out&nbsp;</span><i style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">why</i><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">&nbsp;it's happening can help us figure out how to stop it.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">Handling it -&nbsp;</span></div><div><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><br /></span></span></div><ul style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;"><li><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">&nbsp;</span><u style="font-size: 13.2px; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Avoid shaming or making it a control issue.</span></u></li><li><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">&nbsp;</span><u style="font-size: 13.2px; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Remain as calm and matter-of-fact as possible</span></u><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">.&nbsp;</span></li><li><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">&nbsp;</span><u style="font-size: 13.2px; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Expect the child to help clean up</span></u><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">, but try to keep within their developmental abilities.&nbsp;Remember an emotionally delayed child should only be expected to do what is developmentally appropriate for their emotional age.&nbsp;For example, you wouldn't expect a 2-year-old to mop up all the potty water from an overflowing toilet, disinfect the room, cleaning supplies and themselves.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">&nbsp;</span><u style="font-size: 13.2px; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">A child in fight/ flight/ freeze&nbsp;</span></u><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">is acting purely instinctually - the thinking part of the brain is not online so it is best to address things when they child is regulated. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">Dysregulation and Meltdowns</a></span></li><li><span style="font-size: 13.2px; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><u>Social Skills. </u>Sometimes having outsiders comment on the child's smell/ hygiene will help, but it could also feel shaming. Plus, most adults won't do it. They'll politely suffer through the smell instead (and tell you about it). Other kids will usually just avoid your child. I have warned my children that it can cause social issues, but it rarely worked.</span></span></li><li><u style="font-size: 13.2px; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Keep a change of clothes</span></u><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">&nbsp;(or 3) with the child (back pack, locker, cubby...) or in the nurse's office or somewhere the child can access it. Waterless, antibacterial handsoap can often help with odors and cleaning.</span></li><li><u style="font-size: 13.2px; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Give the child some socially acceptable words/&nbsp;euphemisms</span></u><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">&nbsp;they can use to explain to others what happened. My 16yo daughter called me from school once asking me to bring her a change of clothes, because she'd, "lost an argument with the water fountain."</span></li><li><u style="font-size: 13.2px; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Make a schedule.</span></u><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">&nbsp;Does the child need reminders to go potty? Assistance getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.</span></li><li><u style="font-size: 13.2px; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Make an appointment&nbsp;</span></u><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">- have a doctor make sure the cause isn't a medical issue.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;"><u style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Keep hygiene lessons brief&nbsp;</span></u><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">- but do give them. I let my kids know that not changing underwear/clothes/ sheets with pee or poo in it can burn the skin and lead to infections. I also gave lessons (with clothes on!) in how to wipe and clean. (Also in how to change out a toilet paper roll!). These do have to be repeated as needed. My kids took a long time learning this.&nbsp;</span></span></li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UdEz3z_H6ts/WZ7_p7BFLpI/AAAAAAAAHYs/uRsr9UOUA9o5cjPMWgISP3iWb9vcRJpdwCLcBGAs/s1600/arm%2Band%2Bhammer%2Bcat%2Blitter%2Bdeodorizer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="300" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UdEz3z_H6ts/WZ7_p7BFLpI/AAAAAAAAHYs/uRsr9UOUA9o5cjPMWgISP3iWb9vcRJpdwCLcBGAs/s200/arm%2Band%2Bhammer%2Bcat%2Blitter%2Bdeodorizer.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><u>Cleaning</u> - <i><b>Wear gloves!</b></i></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>&nbsp;</b>This was less from worry about germs or the ick factor and more about the fact that the smell of poo really adheres to your skin. When cleaning up yet another overflowing potty I always wear gloves! <br />When cleaning bedding - we generally use vinegar.<br /><b>When cleaning carpet -</b> <br /><b><i>-- For poo</i></b> - I've used Arm&amp;Hammer Cat Box Litter! I sprinkle it on the carpet, wait a while and vacuum it up.<br /><b><i>-- For pee </i></b>- using something absorbent, I try to dry up as much as possible (assuming it's still wet). Then I use <a href="https://www.walmart.com/ip/Odormute-15oz-Unscented/24881208?wmlspartner=wlpa&amp;selectedSellerId=0&amp;adid=22222222227017616090&amp;wl0=&amp;wl1=g&amp;wl2=c&amp;wl3=63777683591&amp;wl4=pla-117308805671&amp;wl5=9028268&amp;wl6=&amp;wl7=&amp;wl8=&amp;wl9=pla&amp;wl10=8175035&amp;wl11=online&amp;wl12=24881208&amp;wl13=&amp;veh=sem" target="_blank">Odormute</a> (which you can get at pet stores, Wal-mart, whereever). You have to &nbsp;use enough to let it soak into wherever the pee touched (including the carpet pad).One box has lasted me a long time.</span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">&nbsp;</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: &quot;symbol&quot;; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span></span><u><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Check often</span></u><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">. My daughter slept in a loft bed. I frequently had to give it a smell test. I also had to watch for wet pull-ups, which for some reason she liked to hide.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><blockquote class="tr_bq"><u><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">A trick for frequent bed wetters</span></u><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">&nbsp;- We had a plastic mattress cover (of course) and made the bed as usual (fitted and flat sheet). Then we covered that with a plastic layer of some sort (I liked shower curtain liners - preferably ones that didn't make crinkly/ crunchy noises). Made the bed again (fitted and flat sheet). Repeat for several layers. Keep some clean pjs (and pull-ups if used) by the bed - we used a little wooden chest. </span></blockquote></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">When the child woke up in the middle of the night to wet sheets, all they needed to do was strip the top layer of sheets and their pjs, the plastic sheeting generally kept the urine from getting everywhere. Put on new pjs - kept in the box/ drawer/ whatever right next to the bed. Grab a new blanket if needed (we kept folded up comforters/ blankets on a shelf at the bottom of the bed. </span></blockquote></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 3pt; text-indent: 0in;"><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Voila! Back in bed ready to sleep in minutes. Could be done multiple times in one night if needed. In the morning, the child could put the whole mess in the washer (with some hydrogen peroxide and/ or vinegar or whatever you like to use).</span></blockquote><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/02/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_9.html" target="_blank"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">Low Tolerance/ Overwhelm</span></a><br /><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">It is sometimes necessary to simplify a child’s life a LOT to lessen the feeling of “overwhelm,” which can lead to potty and other issues <br /><br />This can be like childproofing – avoiding and removing things and events that can be triggers. &nbsp;This can also be making their world smaller and lowering expectations.&nbsp;</span><br /><br /><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">One thing Kitty's therapist recommended was stripping her room. Nothing but a bed, one book, and one stuffed animal. It was NOT a punishment, and not something they could "earn" back (or actually not earn back, because my kids are afraid to be emotionally attached to things as it gives others power over them so they affect indifference to them. ).</span><br /><br /><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">For a time, I even took my daughter's dresser out of her room and had her check out her clothes each day <b>(this cut way down on the wet pull-ups and worse stuffed behind dressers and other places).</b></span><br /><br /><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">We also cut back on the chore expectations she "should" be able to handle. I would break down tasks into small steps and give them to her one at a time. Instead of saying, "Clean your room," which was overwhelming and just didn't happen. I would say, "Empty your trashcan." and when that was done, then I would say, "Put your dirty clothes in your laundry basket." When that was done, I would say, "Put your laundry basket next to the washing machine." Most of the time, I would have to do these things with her (not for her, but be present in the room, often helping clean near her).&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Kids Can't Handle.&nbsp;</span></a><br /><br /><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">Eventually, she got to where she could do a few tasks at a time, but the chaos in her head will always be reflected in the chaos of her room. I still help her keep it regulated.</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/therapeutically-parenting-adult-child.html" target="_blank"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #0b5394; text-decoration-line: none;">&nbsp;Therapeutically Parenting the Adult Child</span></a></span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">&nbsp;</span></div></li></ul><div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span></span></div></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-208427061816210612017-08-15T02:45:00.000-05:002017-08-15T02:45:57.070-05:00Retired? Homebound? Bored? Things for Adults to Do to Stay Active<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_vjNw7UF5cs/WZIByetmx2I/AAAAAAAAHU4/BW71L29CaOkUvgTMYpMZSVO0BIQ7QpUHQCEwYBhgL/s1600/Dollarphotoclub_30159411Edit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1297" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_vjNw7UF5cs/WZIByetmx2I/AAAAAAAAHU4/BW71L29CaOkUvgTMYpMZSVO0BIQ7QpUHQCEwYBhgL/s320/Dollarphotoclub_30159411Edit.jpg" width="259" /></a></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; text-decoration-line: none;"><!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shapetype id="_x0000_t75" coordsize="21600,21600" o:spt="75" o:preferrelative="t" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" filled="f" stroked="f"> <v:stroke joinstyle="miter"/> <v:formulas> <v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"/> <v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"/> <v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"/> <v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"/> <v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"/> <v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"/> <v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"/> <v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"/> <v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"/> <v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"/> <v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"/> <v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"/> </v:formulas> <v:path o:extrusionok="f" gradientshapeok="t" o:connecttype="rect"/> <o:lock v:ext="edit" aspectratio="t"/></v:shapetype><v:shape id="Picture_x0020_9" o:spid="_x0000_i1026" type="#_x0000_t75" alt="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_vjNw7UF5cs/WZIByetmx2I/AAAAAAAAHUw/gljxoghMLWokYsn6KYYlcIb9E00BFjUvwCLcBGAs/s320/Dollarphotoclub_30159411Edit.jpg" href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_vjNw7UF5cs/WZIByetmx2I/AAAAAAAAHUw/gljxoghMLWokYsn6KYYlcIb9E00BFjUvwCLcBGAs/s1600/Dollarphotoclub_30159411Edit.jpg" style='width:194.4pt;height:240pt;visibility:visible;mso-wrap-style:square' o:button="t"> <v:imagedata src="file:///C:/Users/user/AppData/Local/Temp/msohtmlclip1/01/clip_image001.jpg" o:title="Dollarphotoclub_30159411Edit"/></v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Looking for something to do now that you're retired, homebound, or just plain bored?&nbsp;</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Here's some ideas.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><a href="https://www.vivehealth.com/blogs/resources/activities-elderly-seniors" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">110 Activities for Elderly &amp; Seniors [Ultimate List]</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><br /><b>GAMES</b><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="background: white; font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Board games don’t have to be boring. From games played with others - Bingo, Scrabble, card games (Cards Against Humanity, strip poker?), Jenga, Apples to Apples, billiards/ pool, bowling... to games that can be done alone - like solitaire, Mahjong,&nbsp;crosswords, Sudoku,&nbsp;online computer games, and jigsaw puzzles...&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="background: white; font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Some games can actually improve your memory&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">(for example, seeing several pairs of cards for ten seconds and matching them up again). Improving your memory can also improve your concentration as it helps your mind to become more alert.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Brain Games&nbsp;<a href="https://www.mindgames.com/Brain+Games" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">https://www.mindgames.com/Brain+Games</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 13.5pt;"><span style="background: white; font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Games are also a great way to keep from resorting to hours of mindless TV-watching<br />&nbsp;</span><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape id="Picture_x0020_8" o:spid="_x0000_s1032" type="#_x0000_t75" alt="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UrBwuROGDHQ/WZIZfoojCFI/AAAAAAAAHVI/_jCnw_F1kBoJt3f4IJlxV0UshR1LnAMvgCLcBGAs/s200/02E33116.jpg" href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UrBwuROGDHQ/WZIZfoojCFI/AAAAAAAAHVI/_jCnw_F1kBoJt3f4IJlxV0UshR1LnAMvgCLcBGAs/s1600/02E33116.jpg" style='position:absolute;margin-left:396pt;margin-top:5.35pt;width:99pt; height:150pt;z-index:-251658240;visibility:visible;mso-wrap-style:square; mso-wrap-distance-left:9pt;mso-wrap-distance-top:0;mso-wrap-distance-right:9pt; mso-wrap-distance-bottom:0;mso-position-horizontal:absolute; mso-position-horizontal-relative:text;mso-position-vertical:absolute; mso-position-vertical-relative:text' o:button="t"> <v:imagedata src="file:///C:/Users/user/AppData/Local/Temp/msohtmlclip1/01/clip_image002.jpg" o:title="02E33116"/> <w:wrap type="tight"/></v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">EXERCISE</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UrBwuROGDHQ/WZIZfoojCFI/AAAAAAAAHVM/ghns31hxW2MNo9Dnf0E7RJoGy9Rj2Zw_gCEwYBhgL/s1600/02E33116.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1063" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UrBwuROGDHQ/WZIZfoojCFI/AAAAAAAAHVM/ghns31hxW2MNo9Dnf0E7RJoGy9Rj2Zw_gCEwYBhgL/s200/02E33116.jpg" width="132" /></a></b></div><b><br /></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">You can exercise by yourself or in a group.&nbsp;<span style="background: white;">Playing systems like the Wii, work out videos, bicycling, or just going for a walk on a regular basis (you can walk at a local mall if it's too hot outside or the weather is bad), all can be a wonderful way to stay physically active without having to join a gym.&nbsp;</span><o:p></o:p></span><br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">If you have access to a gym or club, you might have even more options - water aerobics, tennis, volleyball, weight lifting, golf, Zumba classes... Join a sport rec league.&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Think you could never run a marathon? This year 88 people over the age of 75 ran the New York City Marathon - Here's how they did.<a href="https://www.blogger.com/goog_815289871"><span style="color: windowtext;">&nbsp;</span></a><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/nyc-marathons-oldest-runners-howd-they-do/"><span style="color: windowtext;">http://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/nyc-marathons-oldest-runners-howd-they-do/</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Not only does physical activity help you feel better physically and emotionally<span style="background: white;">, it can also help keep your brain active too!</span><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">CRAFTS/ HOBBIES</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><br />Do something creative or learn something new. Crafts and hobbies can all be done at home, in a class, or with a group of like-minded individuals. They can be for your own enjoyment, to sell (check out Etsy.com), or donate to charity. You can take classes or even teach others how to do a craft or hobby that you enjoy.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zx3Bh00zMhA/WZIBbgOY2nI/AAAAAAAAHU4/i4lLbSVCZeEJY0vwultNTd8k0puzCGf-gCEwYBhgL/s1600/Olive-gardening.jpg"><span style="color: windowtext;"><br /></span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div><ul type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Crafts</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">&nbsp;- knitting, crocheting, cross stitch, embroidery, scrap booking, making cards, pottery, tapestry, sewing, dress making, collages.&nbsp;&nbsp;(Ex. Some ideas for&nbsp;</span></span><a href="https://www.craftsy.com/blog/2014/03/crocheting-and-knitting-for-charity/" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">Crocheting and Knitting for Charity</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">&nbsp;(</span><span style="font-size: 18.6667px;">https://www.craftsy.com/blog/2014/03/crocheting-and-knitting-for-charity/</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;">&nbsp;</span><span style="font-size: 18.6667px;">&nbsp;)&nbsp;</span></span><a href="https://www.projectlinus.org/" style="color: windowtext; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;" target="_blank">Project Linus</a><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">&nbsp;- gives homemade blankets to children in need (<span style="font-size: 18.6667px;">https://www.projectlinus.org/</span>)</span></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2PqmgMTArbg/WZIBcXE8RuI/AAAAAAAAHU4/ECDomal3EJENZWNOQ2d3r35Tu3EMXoSegCEwYBhgL/s1600/pexels-photo-510611.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="853" data-original-width="1280" height="133" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2PqmgMTArbg/WZIBcXE8RuI/AAAAAAAAHU4/ECDomal3EJENZWNOQ2d3r35Tu3EMXoSegCEwYBhgL/s200/pexels-photo-510611.jpeg" width="200" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Artistic -&nbsp;</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Drawing, painting, calligraphy, coloring in adult coloring books, working with modeling clay, woodworking/ carving, jewelry making, glass staining.<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Creative writing</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">&nbsp;– This can involve writing in a journal, creating poetry, or writing a book/ stories. If you want to have a wider platform for your writing, you can publish it online in a blog. Some authors have been “discovered” through their blogs. Or you can self-publish a book, which is becoming more and more popular these days -&nbsp;<a href="https://www.cnet.com/news/self-publishing-a-book-25-things-you-need-to-know/" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">Self-Publishing a Book, 25 Things You Need to Know</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Cooking and Food Appreciation</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">&nbsp;- Try new recipes. You can learn or teach others how to cook and enjoy different types of food: Basic beginning, gourmet, gluten free, vegan, multi-cultural, dessert/ pastries... Become a wine connoisseur or just learn the art of wine tasting. Make your own cook book with pictures and everything.<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Research your family</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">&nbsp;/ Make a family tree. Check out Ancestry.com<a href="https://www.ancestry.com/" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">&nbsp;https://www.ancestry.com/</span></a><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.ancestry.com/" target="_blank"></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zx3Bh00zMhA/WZIBbgOY2nI/AAAAAAAAHU4/i4lLbSVCZeEJY0vwultNTd8k0puzCGf-gCEwYBhgL/s1600/Olive-gardening.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="150" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zx3Bh00zMhA/WZIBbgOY2nI/AAAAAAAAHU4/i4lLbSVCZeEJY0vwultNTd8k0puzCGf-gCEwYBhgL/s200/Olive-gardening.jpg" width="200" /></a></div></span><o:p></o:p></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Gardening -&nbsp;</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Gardening can be enjoyable and a great way to stay physically and mentally active, whether your garden is a cactus on your desk, a few potted plants on your balcony, a small garden in your backyard (herbs, flowers, and/or vegetables), or a large garden with excess produce to sell. To learn more about how to start a garden, you can research online. (Ex.&nbsp;<a href="http://www.basicsofgardening.com/" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">Basics of Gardening</span></a>)&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Other Hobbies</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">&nbsp;- This can be whatever you're interested in or interested in learning about - weather watching, ham radios, bird watching, small appliance repair, photography, furniture refinishing, interior decorating,&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></li></ul><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 13.5pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">WORK/ VOLUNTEER</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Whether it’s making follow-up calls or providing advice to businesses or tutoring students, many jobs can be done from home these days. Learn more in this article from AARP:&nbsp;<a href="http://www.aarp.org/work/working-after-retirement/info-01-2011/great-work-at-home-jobs-for-retirees.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">Work from Home Jobs for Retirees</span></a>.&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">It's usually pretty easy to find volunteer work, you can check out some local non-profits in your area and contact them to see if they need any help.&nbsp;<a href="https://www.guidestar.org/NonprofitDirectory.aspx" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">Guidestar - Directory of Charities and Non-Profits</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Look for work in an area you enjoy:&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></div><ul type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Children</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">&nbsp;- babysit, respite, foster care, Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for foster children (volunteer position that does not require any particular experience), run a home daycare, sitting with newborns in ICU, read story books at the library or book store, tutoring...<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Animals</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">&nbsp;- Dog walking, pet sitting, volunteer in an animal shelter. Check out places that offer services involving animals, like equine therapy, to see if they have volunteer positions. Train animals as service dogs or therapy pets.<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Elderly/ Disabled&nbsp;</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">- Caregiver or just spend some time with a senior citizen. You can volunteer at places like hospice providers, nursing homes, drive elderly and disabled people to church services...<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Office work</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">&nbsp;- reach out to local non-profits and see if they need any help with filing, answering phones, writing thank you notes...&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Tech/ Design/ Media</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">&nbsp;- If you have skills in these areas, many non-profits and other agencies are always looking for talented designers. Ex.&nbsp;<a href="https://peacegeeks.org/volunteer" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">PeaceGeeks</span></a>&nbsp;- build the technological, communications and management capacities of grassroots organizations who work to promote peace, accountability and human rights.&nbsp;&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Food</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">&nbsp;- work at a food pantry, cook for a soup kitchen,&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></li></ul><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">PETS</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Get a pet! Pets can help reduce stress, lower blood pressure, increase social interaction and physical activity, help you learn, and can reduce depression and lessen loneliness.&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Learning about animal care and training can be fun and rewarding. Going to dog parks and meeting others, can keep both you and your pet entertained and active.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">LEARN!</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UjrDKfUwTCU/WZIBbZaTtgI/AAAAAAAAHU4/vDtapkHXakEJ_Rn9pxAyMhxtplfFE-RNwCEwYBhgL/s1600/1024px-Tablet-PC_Parkwohnstift_06.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1031" data-original-width="1024" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UjrDKfUwTCU/WZIBbZaTtgI/AAAAAAAAHU4/vDtapkHXakEJ_Rn9pxAyMhxtplfFE-RNwCEwYBhgL/s200/1024px-Tablet-PC_Parkwohnstift_06.JPG" width="198" /></a></b></div><br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Keeping the mind active can improve your memory, improve your health, ward off dementia... To help your mind stay young and flexible, continuing education or informal classes (learning something new just for fun), can help the mind stay active.&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">You can check out your local community college - there are online courses for just about everything and a lot of them are free.&nbsp;it might take a little research to find some good ones, but good news! There's often someone that has already reviewed the type of courses you're looking for and posts the best options.&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></div><ul type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Informal&nbsp;Classes&nbsp;</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">- Look around you for places to learn. Community colleges, universities, online, YMCA, retail stores, activity centers... all offer informal classes, where you can learn something just for fun, rather than for a degree or a certificate.<br /> <br /> For example, I wanted to learn Spanish. I searched for "learn spanish online free videos." I found a few articles that reviewed and gave me the best options - This article ("<a href="http://www.fluentu.com/blog/spanish/learn-spanish-on-youtube/" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">11 Awesome Channels to Learn Spanish on YouTube</span></a>&nbsp;"&nbsp;<a href="http://www.fluentu.com/blog/spanish/learn-spanish-on-youtube/"><span style="color: windowtext;">http://www.fluentu.com/blog/spanish/learn-spanish-on-youtube/</span></a>) Led me to this series of videos that were a fun way to learn Spanish -&nbsp;<a href="https://www.youtube.com/user/tontitofrito"><span style="color: windowtext;">https://www.youtube.com/user/tontitofrito</span></a>&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Academic&nbsp;</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">- Remedial classes, GED, SAT/ ACT, learning a new language, you can even get a degree!<br /> <br /> <a href="http://www.open.edu/openlearn/" target="_blank"><b><span style="color: windowtext;">Open University</span></b></a>&nbsp;- offers free courses. Their course catalog:&nbsp;<a href="http://www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses/full-catalogue" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">http://www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses/full-catalogue</span></a><br /> <a href="http://study.com/academy/course/index.html" target="_blank"><b><span style="color: windowtext;">Study.com</span></b></a>&nbsp;offers many free courses in a wide variety of subjects:<br /> Ex. Remedial math course -&nbsp;<a href="http://study.com/academy/course/ged-math-algebra-geometry-number-sense.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">http://study.com/academy/course/ged-math-algebra-geometry-number-sense.html</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></li></ul><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">CHANGE THINGS UP!</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Change can be fun. Redecorate, decorate for the seasons, change out pictures. rearrange the furniture, DIY some fun projects, sell some clutter on sites like Craigslist (<a href="https://geo.craigslist.org/iso/us"><span style="color: windowtext;">https://geo.craigslist.org/iso/us</span></a>), LetGo.com (<a href="https://us.letgo.com/en"><span style="color: windowtext;">https://us.letgo.com/en</span></a>), or ebay (<a href="https://www.ebay.com/"><span style="color: windowtext;">https://www.ebay.com/</span></a>).&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">READING</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O2xLc6OEqXU/WZIByD5zujI/AAAAAAAAHU4/l3XfJSAGV1YDOq3fLyg51rR5HdOCKQkwACEwYBhgL/s1600/man-1348082_1920.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1065" data-original-width="1600" height="133" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O2xLc6OEqXU/WZIByD5zujI/AAAAAAAAHU4/l3XfJSAGV1YDOq3fLyg51rR5HdOCKQkwACEwYBhgL/s200/man-1348082_1920.jpg" width="200" /></a></b></div><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span><br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Any place, anywhere, any time. Books are awesome! Start or attend a book club, book stores, libraries, book carts, start a little free library (https://littlefreelibrary.org/), the possibilities are as endless as the worlds that books can take you to.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">ENTERTAINMENT</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">For low cost concerts and plays, check out a local high school for live entertainment.&nbsp;Check out senior day care facilities for special activities or just visit once in a while.&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">MUSIC</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gNr9vPJzj6M/WZIBbiG0TuI/AAAAAAAAHU4/FLabCShmczUcKmkuPVWnZovv6HdQlpYWACEwYBhgL/s1600/pexels-photo-479046.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1068" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gNr9vPJzj6M/WZIBbiG0TuI/AAAAAAAAHU4/FLabCShmczUcKmkuPVWnZovv6HdQlpYWACEwYBhgL/s200/pexels-photo-479046.jpeg" width="133" /></a></b></div><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; text-align: center;">&nbsp;</span><br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">This could be listening to music, learning a new instrument, and/ or joining a choir. Go dancing! Take a Dance Class! Attend a concert.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">concerts and plays at your local high school for low-cost/low-stress live entertainment<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">LAUGH!</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Laughing doesn't just make you feel better, it can make you physically better. Laughter has been clinically proven to strengthen your immune system, activate and relieve your stress response and stimulate many organs.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Watch old TV shows on DVD&nbsp;</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">like "I Love Lucy" or the "Marx Brothers" for a laugh.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Play! -&nbsp;40 ideas to experience childlike playfulness as adults<a href="http://www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/40-ideas-to-experience-childlike-playfulness-as-adults/" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">&nbsp;</span></a></span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><a href="http://www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/40-ideas-to-experience-childlike-playfulness-as-adults/" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">http://www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/40-ideas-to-experience-childlike-playfulness-as-adults/&nbsp;</span></a>&nbsp;</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">The Importance Of Laughter In Long Term Care Facilitie<a href="https://www.goldencarers.com/the-importance-of-laughter-in-long-term-care-facilities/4759/" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">s</span></a></span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><a href="https://www.goldencarers.com/the-importance-of-laughter-in-long-term-care-facilities/4759/"><b><span style="color: windowtext;">https://www.goldencarers.com/the-importance-of-laughter-in-long-term-care-facilities/4759/</span></b></a><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">PAMPER YOURSELF</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Have a spa day, even if just in your room. Invite some friends over and do each other's nails. Manis, pedis, facials, experiment with makeup and hair styles, skin treatments, impromptu fashion shows. Check out an online makeup or hair tutorial online, and try something new. Host or attend a makeup, jewelry, or fashion party - you don't actually have to buy anything.&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">GET OUT OF THE HOUSE</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-D1GjwQNMuSA/WZIZeuLtO2I/AAAAAAAAHVM/D2NXilyeOigfNfVHrBNxURgV8lxlE_68wCEwYBhgL/s1600/women-friends-1577910_1920.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="133" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-D1GjwQNMuSA/WZIZeuLtO2I/AAAAAAAAHVM/D2NXilyeOigfNfVHrBNxURgV8lxlE_68wCEwYBhgL/s200/women-friends-1577910_1920.jpg" width="200" /></a></b></div><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span><br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Attend worship, travel, outings, and shopping trips (this can be window shopping!). Go for a walk or a drive. Visit a museum, place of interest, go antiquing. Travel to faraway lands (even if just in your imagination). Explore new cultures and learn new a new language. You'd be amazed at how much you can learn from the internet nowadays.&nbsp;<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">FRIENDS and STRANGERS YOU DON'T KNOW YET</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Clubs are a great way to meet and keep in contact with others. Check out computer clubs, sewing clubs, golf clubs (<i>Sorry! just had to throw that in there</i>). Lunch groups and social groups, singles groups. Hang out an activity center, YMCA, senior center... Join a support group online or in real life. &nbsp;Plan a dinner party, trivia night, movie or other event party.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_oCMdA2Zn04/WZKdA2cdyRI/AAAAAAAAHVc/x81HLb5A4CMkOP6IQoiQqQXIPbiOVko_wCEwYBhgL/s1600/fotolia_12536661.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="333" data-original-width="500" height="133" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_oCMdA2Zn04/WZKdA2cdyRI/AAAAAAAAHVc/x81HLb5A4CMkOP6IQoiQqQXIPbiOVko_wCEwYBhgL/s200/fotolia_12536661.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div><div><div></div></div></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-8633934281293948132017-08-02T12:34:00.002-05:002017-08-02T12:34:59.288-05:00Parenting Biokids and Adopted Kids TogetherSee also this post,&nbsp;<b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/08/biokids-with-adopted-siblings.html" target="_blank">Biokids with Adopted Siblings</a></b><br /><b><br /></b><b>Adopting Out of Birth Order</b><br /><br />My adopted children were older than my biokids, and that caused some extra issues, because the bio kids were able to handle tons of things the adopted kids couldn't. &nbsp;Here's a good&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/06/advice-for-someone-adopting-4yo-with-rad.html">post</a>&nbsp;I did for a lady adopting a RAD child older than her bios (different age, but kids of trauma are often younger developmentally, emotionally, and/ or socially).<br /><br /><b>Adopting Children Developmentally, Emotionally, and/ or Socially Younger</b><br />This could also apply to parents with kids who are not technically out of birth order, but are close in age or younger (for example giving birth to biokids or adopting a child(ren) younger than the older adopted child(ren) but with fewer issues). The problems come when this younger child(ren) pass up the adopted child(ren) developmentally, emotionally, and/ or socially. Parenting often appears to not be fair, like you're choosing favorites, and/ or that you're criticizing or punishing the delayed child.<br /><br /><b><i>{My adopted children were both delayed and older than my oldest biochild (Bob, biodaughter). Bear (adopted, 3 1/2 years older than Bob) was very aggressive and intimidating to everyone and Kitty (adopted, 1 year older than Bob) was aggressive toward Bob (jealousy, pushing to get kicked out like everyone else has done to her in the past, delayed emotionally and socially - so tended to be more like a toddler who uses her hands not her words...).} &nbsp;</i></b><br /><br /><b>All Children are Not Created Equally - Nor Should They Be Treated That Way</b><br />For a long time, we tried to treat the children equally, especially the girls who were close in age and in the same grade at school, but we&nbsp;<i><u>finally</u></i>&nbsp;figured out that was not going to work. Life got smoother when we started using age-appropriate, therapeutic parenting.<br />Post:&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Chap. 1 Parenting based on Developmental/Emotional Age</a><br /><br /><b>Here's some of the things we did (or I wish we had done sooner!):</b><br /><br /><b>* Explain Why They're Treated Differently</b>&nbsp;- We sat the adopted children down and tell them that they were being treated differently because of their trauma, not because we loved them less or loved biokids more. They absolutely did not understand this or believe it, but it needed to be said, if only so we could refer back to the conversations.<br />Posts:&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2008/11/love-jar.html" target="_blank">Trust Jars/ Love Jars post</a>;<br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/07/choosing-joy-explaining-age-appropriate.html" target="_blank">Choosing Joy - Explaining Age Appropriate Therapeutic Parenting to Child(ren</a>)<br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; The younger biochildren did not have the same childhood and there were going to be areas where they got to do things the adopted kids didn't, even though they were older. &nbsp; None of this solved anything by the way, but it gave us a reference point that we could keep pointing back to,<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><i>"I know it doesn't feel fair that your sister gets to spend the night at your friend's house and you don't, but you're not at a place to do that right now, because it's hard for you. &nbsp;Your sister didn't have the trauma that you did so she can handle it. &nbsp;</i></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><i>You'll get there! &nbsp;Just not today."</i></blockquote><br /><b>*Stop treating them equally.&nbsp;</b>&nbsp;They are not equal! They have different life experiences, different interests, different abilities, different needs... &nbsp;My mom always emphasized that with my sister and I. &nbsp;We both got a Christmas present, but it wasn't matching dresses (which is one thing my dad liked to do)! &nbsp;Neither of us would want what the other wanted! Our gifts were chosen with our unique likes and dislikes in mind.<br /><br /><i><b>^This is actually how the FAIR Club got started.^ &nbsp;http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-discipline-your-difficult-child.html My kids were constantly whining, "That's not FAAAIIIRRR!!!" I needed a way to discipline and structure their lives that was appropriate for each of them. &nbsp;Structure for the adopted kids, but not really punishing them for things that were out of their control (fight/ flight/ freeze reactions for example) - while avoiding letting the biokids feel that the adopted kids were "getting away with" behaviors that we didn't want the biokids to start thinking was OK for them to do!</b></i><br /><i><b><br /></b></i><b>* Emotional Age -&nbsp;</b>Remember that develomentally (emotionally and socially) most kids of trauma are a LOT younger. http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/04/developmental-stages.html &nbsp;If we expect them to "act their age," we're all going to be disappointed.<br /><br /><b>*ABSOLUTELY no touching of other kids!&nbsp;</b>&nbsp;None. &nbsp;Ever. The violent one especially, literally had to be out of arm reach of the other kids at all times. &nbsp;If I had to be in another room then that child came with me or was in his/her room alone. They weren't allowed to sit next to each other on the couch or in the car. &nbsp;They were NEVER allowed to be alone in the same room.<br /><br /><b>* Separate rooms.</b>&nbsp;Originally the girls shared a room. &nbsp;BIG mistake! We converted the playroom to a bedroom to separate them. &nbsp;When I was a kid, my bedroom was the breakfast nook with some slatted closet doors bolted in to make a wall.<br /><br /><b>*ABSOLUTELY no parenting. &nbsp;</b>The adopted kids felt they had a right to boss the other kids around. The biokids just handled it. &nbsp;Kitty expected it and was terrified of Bear so she often tried to anticipate his wishes.<br /><br /><i>EVERY</i>&nbsp;time we heard it, we reminded everyone that WE are the parents and that was not their job. &nbsp;We NEVER put the kids in a position where they got to tell the other kids what to do. &nbsp;Not even relaying a message, like, "<i>Mom said to come downstairs and do the dishes</i>." At most, they were allowed to say, "<i>Mom is calling you.</i>"<br /><br /><b>* Individual parent time. &nbsp;</b>Just me (or Hubby) &nbsp;and the child doing something together. &nbsp;Could be making a meal, going shopping, a "date," sitting next to their bed and chatting, telling a story or singing... I tried to make it fun, even when they were being obnoxious, awful, or in trouble. &nbsp;It was an attachment activity and necessary. I did this with all the kids- adopted and bio. Try to squeeze in a combo of activities - &nbsp;If you're at the school for an IEP meeting, have lunch with a biokid.<br /><br /><b>* Family and individual activities.&nbsp;</b>Don't skip that family vacation because one child can't handle it. Find an alternative for the child having issues (preferably something fun for them), and GO! Make time for each child's school events and activities. Go to your biokids' art show, soccer game, whatever. Sign them up for dance classes that their adopted sibling isn't a part of (this is when it really comes in handy to have a spouse so you can divide and conquer!).<br /><br />Try to find ways that all the kids can participate without overshadowing the other's fun. While watching your son play T-ball, let the other kids play on a nearby playscape or spread a blanket behind the bleachers and play with toys they don't always get to play with. Have a&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/letter-parties.html" target="_blank">Letter Party</a>&nbsp;and each child gets to do something different to help (pick the letter, shopping, helping cook, pick the movie, set up the picnic area...).<br /><br /><b>* Individual Time -&nbsp;</b>Give biokids a break from their siblings and family life sometimes. There were summers where Bob went to live with her grandparents. She remembers them as some of the best summers ever.<br /><br /><b>* Provide structure and reduce overwhelm. &nbsp;</b>Our adopted kids needed LOTS of<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank">&nbsp;Structure and Caring Support</a>. &nbsp;Their insides are so chaotic that we had to make the rest of life as calm and simple as possible. That means stripping their rooms of all but a bed and one toy. &nbsp;It means for them, chores that biokids could handle with ease, have to be simplified and fewer. &nbsp;Multi-step directions were overwhelming and impossible. &nbsp;They usually triggered<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">&nbsp;Dysregulation and Meltdowns</a>.<br /><br /><b>* Make it OK for biokids to complain and vent.</b>&nbsp;Living with mentally ill siblings is HARD. It is for parents too of course, but there are rarely support groups and people teaching Self-Care for kids. As long as it wasn't in front of their siblings, and they didn't share it with friends who knew their siblings, then I made sure that they knew it was even OK to resent/hate their sibling. I probably let it go too far and let the biokids feel that it was OK to be totally negative about their siblings without encouraging them to look for the good stuff too.<br /><br /><b>* Avoid over sharing</b>. I'll admit that as Bob got older, it was easy to confide in her and sometimes vent or bounce off ideas. She knew the people involved and the situations, much better than any other friends and family members outside of our immediate family. She often had great insight, and I knew she wouldn't judge me for being upset/ angry with the adopted child or the situation. I often worry that I laid too much on her shoulders, because she seemed like she could handle it. I forgot that she's still a kid and going to have to have and/ or establish some kind of relationship with this sibling for the rest of their lives.<br /><br /><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank">* SELF-CARE!! Self-care!! Self-Care!!!</a>&nbsp;</b>This is a tough life and if you're "bucket" is empty, then you're no good to anyone.<br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" target="_blank">Advocating for Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order**</a>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-49106914547962519842017-08-02T12:29:00.001-05:002017-08-03T13:55:11.659-05:00Biokids with Adopted SiblingsSee Also - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2017/08/parenting-biokids-and-adopted-kids.html" target="_blank">Parenting Biokids and Adopted Kids Together</a><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R-PGIiNZZlo/WYNw16vLuFI/AAAAAAAAHSI/wTez_prdvjcZxuB4AHjuuq8u9W42yxQlgCLcBGAs/s1600/1_07Cow%2BMasks%2BTnMasonnEnK.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R-PGIiNZZlo/WYNw16vLuFI/AAAAAAAAHSI/wTez_prdvjcZxuB4AHjuuq8u9W42yxQlgCLcBGAs/s320/1_07Cow%2BMasks%2BTnMasonnEnK.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br />I rarely blog about my adopted children on here any more. Mostly because Kitty (22) and Bear (24) are now out of the house, although Kitty will probably be moving back home in the next 6 months or so.<br /><br />So I'm going to talk about Bob and Ponito. If you just started reading my blog, then here's a brief summary. Bob (21) and Ponito (18) -- obviously not their real names-- were 7 (bioson, Ponito) and 10 (biodaughter, Bob - if you want to know how she got the name, Bob, click<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2008/08/what-about-bob.html" target="_blank"> here</a>) when Bear (13) and Kitty (11) joined our family. Kitty and Bob were in the same grade at school and there were a LOT of clashes between the 2 girls.<br /><br />Bear was a very squeaky wheel, and it wasn't until he went into residential treatment at 14 that we realized how loudly Kitty was squeaking too. Between the two of them, I'm afraid all other squeaks were pretty much tuned out.<br /><br />Bob was the next squeakiest. I'm pretty sure she still struggles with not getting all her needs met after the adoption, and I'm also pretty sure it's why she's such a strong, independent, young woman.<br /><br />Ponito didn't squeak at all.<br /><br /><b>Bob - Biodaughter (21)</b><br /><b><br /></b><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/01/from-biochilds-point-of-view.html" target="_blank">Bob's (age 12) tear-jerker school report on living with her adopted siblings&nbsp;</a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Bob is starting her 4th year of college and just turned 21 - no longer a teenager. She's an amazing young woman now. All those years of her making me crazy and pushing my buttons, living with &nbsp;severely mentally ill siblings, being incredibly smart and incredibly stubborn... have turned her into a strong, capable, responsible young woman.<br /><br />Bob's finally stopped pushing me away, and we have a pretty good relationship. I probably talk to her a little too much about what's going on with her siblings and asking for her advice, especially with Ponito.<br /><br />She tends to be pretty honest with me about her opinions, whether they hurt my feelings or not. I know that's a good thing, but of course it still hurts to hear her say that she understands how Ponito is feeling and that she too wanted to leave home the minute she graduated high school.<br /><br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><div style="text-align: center;"></div><b><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Independence and Separation from Family - Teenage Developmental Stage</b></div></b></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><i>I know this is a normal developmental stage. Teens are supposed to be working on becoming independent from their parents, and pushing their parents away at this time is developmentally appropriate. I did it too. It wasn't until my mid to late twenties, that I started going back to my mom for advice and support. I remind myself of this every day.</i><b>&nbsp;It still hurts.</b>&nbsp;</blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"></blockquote><b><br /></b><b><br /></b><b>Ponito - Bioson (18)</b><br /><b><br /></b>Ponito was always a sensitive, laid-back, little kid. In a family of strong female personalities, he took after his dad. His <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-5-love-languages.html" target="_blank">Love Language</a> was obviously Physical Touch, and he was always climbing in our laps, or plopping himself down between Hubby and I.<br /><br />He was small for his age, so I was even able to carry him around - which he loved - long after the age I had to stop carrying Bob (she was 5'1" by the time she was 10, and 6 foot tall by age 14).<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lmoLSIW7Qxo/V7hlxuGtprI/AAAAAAAAFCs/TI5obzq5wNkq5qY-7OUCmaMZRCWsDL5RgCLcB/s1600/TonM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lmoLSIW7Qxo/V7hlxuGtprI/AAAAAAAAFCs/TI5obzq5wNkq5qY-7OUCmaMZRCWsDL5RgCLcB/s1600/TonM.jpg" /></a></div><br /><br />Ponito was very active, incredibly coordinated, and social. When we weren't calling him Monkey, we called him the Energizer Bunny. In 7th grade, he was in band, football, soccer, drama class, and had an adorable, little girlfriend (I say little, because she was petite). At 5'5" and thin as a rail like the rest of the boys in my family, we encouraged him toward soccer rather than football, He loved soccer and it came easily to him, but he never had a real drive to win.<br /><br />Then things started changing. In 7th grade, he started failing classes. He seemed to just stop caring. He started getting stomach aches (after years of specialists, we finally figured out it was most likely anxiety - Prozac helped a lot, but quickly thereafter, he refuse to take it). When it came to makeup work, he wouldn't ask for assignments and wouldn't do them when he got them (he said he didn't understand them, but he wouldn't ask for help).<br /><br />When he started high school, Ponito dropped out of band and football (which made sense as he was going to need more time for academics with his advanced math classes). Within a year, he had dropped out of soccer and all extracurricular activities too. Starting in 8th grade, he did little besides play on his gaming system (unfortunately, Hubby and I couldn't come to an agreement on how to handle this, so he was pretty much able to play anytime he wanted - which was all the time).<br /><br />He barely ate, and kept losing weight. By 14, he was only 5'6" and weighed less than 120lbs. At that point, I found some protein bars he was willing to snack on. Within 6 months, he'd shot up to 5'10". Then 6ft (made Bob crazy when he passed up her 5'11 1/2"). By the end of high school, he was 6'3", but still barely ate (he'd stopped eating protein bars after a year).<br /><br />At the end of junior year, I finally talked Hubby into getting him a psych eval. We'd tried several therapists and even a few anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and ADHD meds. Some of them worked, but he quickly refused to take them.<br /><br />We'd always known he was smart, but the academic part of the psych eval was even better than expected. In math, he tested post-graduate level (from college!), in English, college level. He was also diagnosed ADD with almost no "general fund of acquired knowledge."<br /><br />His other diagnosis was Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood. According to Ponito's therapist, this is kind of a junk drawer diagnosis for "we have no idea what it is, but something is obviously wrong." The therapist recommended <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods_50.html" target="_blank">DBT therapy</a>, but that Ponito had to "buy into it," which wasn't going to happen. So we agreed to stop therapy.<br /><br />Now a high school graduate, Ponito plans to go to college out of state. He found one that was willing to accept him, despite his abysmal GPA. He spent the whole summer on his PS4 all night, and sleeping all day. I pretty much despair that he'll do well in college and end up dropping out, but who knows? He may surprise me.<br /><br />My hope is that this is that independence phase, and that when Ponito is in his 20s, he'll come back to the family and get his act together. I do still think there's something fundamentally wrong (mental health wise), but I've never been able to figure out what or how to help him.<br /><br />I will always feel a little guilty that we didn't catch the ADD sooner, but like Kitty's issues were hidden because they were overshadowed by Bear's, Ponito, my least squeaky wheel, was overshadowed by them all. <br /><br /><br /><br /><b>Adopted Siblings Falling Behind Biokids</b><br /><br />Our adopted kids' issues meant they were emotionally and developmentally delayed in a lot of ways (like most kids with trauma issues). The younger biokids quickly "passed them up" and were able to do and handle things that their siblings couldn't. Because the girls were basically twinned (in the same grade), the differences were usually VERY obvious which caused a lot of extra issues.<br /><br />For example, both my biokids are now able to drive. My adopted daughter is not. In her mind, the fact that I won't let her drive is because I "love them more." Of course, the facts are that she is easily distracted, has difficulty with processing her environment, can't multitask, frequently has issues with esophoria (eyes crossing when she's tired or stressed),..<br /><br /><br /><br /><b>Adopted Siblings Resenting Biokids</b><br /><br />The adopted kids resented that Ponito was getting to have the happy childhood they didn't, and we had to protect him from their sabotaging that. I'm 95% positive our adopted kids were doing it subconsciously, but they actively made his life miserable whenever they could. Since he was younger and smaller, he needed more protection than our biodaughter. He was a very laid-back little guy, and as the least squeaky wheel, I now realize he got a lot less attention than he needed/ deserved.<br /><br /><br /><br /><b>Helping Siblings Cope with the Child of Trauma Not Having Consequences</b><br /><b><br /></b>It was difficult for the other kids to understand why Kitty and Bear rarely had consequences for their "bad" behavior (they cussed, lied, stole things, hit and bit, broke things...). When they complained it wasn't "fair" (which was rare once we started the&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-fair.html">FAIR Club</a>), we mentioned that they didn't always see the consequences, but that didn't mean they didn't get them (True! Having to live life like this is a consequence all it's own - The adopted kids had a <i>lot</i> more <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank">Structure</a>).<br /><br />To help the biokids understand their adopted siblings' differences, we tried to give them examples and explanations (at their age level).<br /><br /><ul><li><i><b>"You know your {developmentally delayed} cousin and how she's older than you, but she has trouble with reading, writing and understanding things? Well, your sister is kind of the same, but she also has trouble with dealing with her feelings."<br /></b></i></li><li><b><i>"Think of how we treat {</i>my 7yo niece<i>}. We don't expect her to be able to do all the things you can do, right? Your sister needs to be treated that way because the stuff that happened to her when she was a kid kept her from growing up in some ways."</i></b></li></ul><br /><br /><b>No Triggering Allowed</b><br /><br />We also had to explain that if <i>any</i> of our children teased or triggered their sibling, especially if they triggered him/her on purpose, then THEY would be the one getting in trouble.<br /><br /><br /><br /><b>Biokids Mimicking Behaviors</b><br /><b><br /></b>The biokids did try <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2008/09/long-week.html">mimicking </a><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2008/09/long-week.html" target="_blank">siblings behavior</a>, and we had to squelch it pretty hard. They wanted to see if they could get away with it too. They usually only tried it once or twice before they "got" that our expectations of them were different. We held them to a higher standard that was age-appropriate for them.<br /><br /><b><br />Would We Do This Again?</b><br /><b><br /></b>I don't know.<br /><br /><b><i>There were some advantages</i></b> -<br /><ul><li>&nbsp;I don't think Bob would have become as much of &nbsp;the mature, responsible woman she is today without the challenge of being the opposite of her sister.&nbsp;</li><li>My relationship with Bob would have been a lot more antagonistic without the invention of the <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-fair.html" target="_blank">FAIR Club</a>. She and I were so much alike (she was as stubborn and "spirited" as I was as a kid), that we butted heads all the time. The FAIR Club was the first and only discipline method that worked for us, and I wouldn't have invented it if we hadn't desperately needed the structure it provided.&nbsp;</li><li>I think I'm a calmer, better parent for all of my children. I was "forced" to focus on <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank">Self-Car</a>e so I think I am a calmer, better person in general.&nbsp;</li><li>It helped me set better priorities that benefited my family as a whole -&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/09/advocating-for-yourself-your-family-and.html" target="_blank">Advocating for Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order**</a></li></ul><br /><br /><b><i>There were also some disadvantages </i></b>-<br /><br /><ul><li>It took me quite awhile to <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank">Find the Joy</a>, and in the meantime, the whole family suffered from not having a stronger mom/ wife/ person. I was often depressed and easily triggered because my "bucket" was empty.</li><li>Biokids and adopted kids both felt like I loved the other one more. Biokids because they suffered from my focus on the needs of the adopted kids. Adopted kids, because they were jealous and felt that I favored the biokids, especially when the biokids got to do things the adopted kids weren't socially/ emotionally/ developmentally ready for.<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank"> Age-Appropriate Therapeutic Parenting</a></li><li>Bob lost her position as oldest child, but still get a lot of the higher expectations expected of a first-born. Now that she's older, I probably rely on too much and overshare with Bob.</li><li>Especially when the girls were in puberty (and therefore insane and hated me). I probably relied a little too much on getting my "bucket" partially filled by Ponito, since we shared the same <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-5-love-languages.html" target="_blank">Love Language</a> - Physical Touch. I loved cuddling with him (although since it is his love language, it helped fill him up too).</li><li>Ponito, my youngest, was often targeted (sometimes physically) by the adopted kids, because he was having the happy childhood they didn't get.&nbsp;</li><li>Some of Ponito's issues went unnoticed or didn't get the attention they needed (ADD, anxiety disorder, failing grades, avoidance of emotional situations...).</li></ul><div><b>Do the Kids Wish We Hadn't Adopted?</b></div><div>Probably.</div><br /><br />marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-46538547943585260702017-07-31T16:01:00.003-05:002017-07-31T16:01:46.837-05:00Choosing Joy - Explaining Age-Appropriate Parenting <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dAPi-gBNQF4/WWkHwnuXlKI/AAAAAAAAHMI/BfbAtjiPy_o3IM1DL6TU7XY2Un8_z95cwCLcBGAs/s1600/choose%2Bjoy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dAPi-gBNQF4/WWkHwnuXlKI/AAAAAAAAHMI/BfbAtjiPy_o3IM1DL6TU7XY2Un8_z95cwCLcBGAs/s1600/choose%2Bjoy.jpg" /></a></div><br />Today after Kitty had been in her room pouting for awhile I went upstairs to talk to her. &nbsp;I woke her up from an escapist nap.<br /><br /><b>Evil Parent or Therapeutic Parent?</b><br />I told her that I'm either an evil parent who is torturing and treating a normal 17yo like crap, or I'm a therapeutic parent who is treating her child the way she needs to be treated because of her mental illness and trauma history (BTW, I think I'm a good parent).<br /><br />Then I apologized for not being fair to her. I've succumbed to the pressure from others (social workers, teachers, others who just don't "get it," and of course, herself), to offer her levels and priveleges I know she is not capable of achieving right now, and acting like they are realistic options; therefore she assumes the reason she's not getting them is because either she's a failure or I'm an evil parent.<br /><br /><b>Enjoying the Small Achievements</b><br />I reminded her that a reason we've been more restrictive is because we're trying to get her<b> stable </b>before we start adding potential stressors, especially since the baby steps we've taken lately haven't been so successful. <br /><br />I talked about how frustrating it is for me that when we offer her a baby step, she immediately demands something bigger and is so angry when I won't give it to her that she can't acknowledge or enjoy the smaller step.<br /><br /><b>Example:</b><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">We're going to Nebraska to visit Hubby's side of the family (13+hours in a car each way! *eek!*). Since Kitty's biofamily also lives in NE (although hours away), we were going to stop at a hotel with a pool, and take a day to hang out with Kitty's biograndparents (we'd hoped for Kitty's biosisters too, but couldn't get it to work). &nbsp;before we go on to my MIL's house. &nbsp;</blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq">Rather than be happy that she gets to see biofamily, she's chosen to focus on what she wants that she's not getting. &nbsp;(She wants to be able to go to her Grandmother's house and stay all week, and maybe stay through her last 2 years of high school and junior college...).&nbsp;</blockquote><b>Choosing Joy</b><br />I tried to gently explain that by choosing to stay stuck and angry, she is forcing me to be even more restrictive (<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank">Structure and Caring Support</a>) to help her get and stay regulated. She's losing out on what she wants. Also, if she decides to just "give up" (a frequent threat), then she's definitely not going to get what she wants.<br /><br />Kitty was getting obviously depressed and defensive. &nbsp;She was feeling that I was taking away &nbsp;everything she wanted and she had no reason to keep trying. <br /><br />So I talked about a friend of the family who is going blind. She was a great artist, and when she found out she was going blind, had every "right" to be depressed and angry, and to give up. Instead, she chose to become a sculptor, and continued producing beautiful art that made her happy.<br /><b><i><br /></i></b><b><i>{<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank">Finding the Joy!</a>&nbsp;- a post for parents about choosing joy for ourselves.}</i></b><br /><br />When talking to Kitty about "Choosing Joy." &nbsp;She was listening. &nbsp;She saw that it was in her best interest, but she just can't maintain it.<br /><br /><b>Future Changes</b><br />Most of the friends we make and the goals for the future that we make when we're young, change a <b><i>lot</i></b> as we get older. &nbsp;We don't even know what all our options are when we're younger (How many kids want to grow up to be a digital media user experience engineer with a specialty in animation? Which is my admittedly confused understanding of what Bob wants to be when she graduates) <br /><br />My point was, we don't know how things will change. &nbsp;Some things we learn by trying them or just from experience. &nbsp;We could work hard to achieve our goal, and still fail. If we give up because we don't get what we want, we may never find the awesome thing around the next corner.<br /><br /><b>Example:</b><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">A couple of years ago, Kitty's goal was to be a brain surgeon. &nbsp;That wasn't a viable option for her (memory, processing issues, IQ...) and she needed to choose another option. {<b><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/09/dreamkiller.html" target="_blank">Dreamkiller post</a>&nbsp;- a post about telling kids that their current dream is not going to work</i></b>}</blockquote><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>I'm sorry that she has to make some difficult choices because of her issues, but if she continues to blame me and be depressed and angry she's making <i>herself </i>miserable.&nbsp;</b></span><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">+++++++</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>SHE'S ONLY 6!</b></span></div><br /><br /><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Parenting Based on Developmental Age&nbsp;</a></b><br />I apologized to Kitty for not being fair. Because of her trauma and "issues," she missed out on a lot of the normal kid stuff that Bob and Ponito got to do, and had to focus on and work hard at handling her life. This left little time to learn some of the lessons that kids who didn't have to handle all that stuff learned when they were younger. Emotionally and socially she was a little behind.<br /><br />By expecting her to be able to do all the things that kids who didn't have to deal with all the stuff she has (and she's done great at dealing with it!), I was making it impossible for her to succeed, and I was also getting frustrated and angry with her when she didn't do things other teens could handle - like chores. I ended up not letting her do any of the "fun stuff" because she hadn't "earned it."<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">"Level Chart" vs Age-Appropriate Parenting</a></b>&nbsp;After receiving a ton of pressure from staff at the hospital and school to give Kitty all the privileges that normally go with being 16, I decided to create a new chore chart with the responsibilities and privileges done in levels. Mostly to get them to understand WHY Kitty was not being allowed to have unsupervised dates or have a cell phone or whatever they felt she was entitled to based on her age alone. Kitty was so dysregulated that she was not able to handle even the most basic responsibilities.&nbsp;</blockquote><br /><b>Emotional and Social Developmental Delays</b><br />When Kitty first came to us at age 11, she was "stuck" at age 4. Not intellectually! &nbsp;She's smart, but emotionally she was much younger. She needed time and to feel safe to grow up / and mature in certain areas, which she did! She's grown a lot in so many ways! She's no longer stuck at age 4 - she can access her physical feelings and a lot of her emotional feelings as well.<br /><br />When we ask her to do something, she can do it as long as I break it down in to smaller pieces ("<i>Empty your trash can. Now, put your dirty clothes in your laundry. Now,..</i>." vs "<i>clean your room</i>"). At first, she could handle only one task at a time. Now she could handle a short list with only a few reminders. Before, she was so close to the edge, that if we had said, "<i>Who left the butter out?,</i>" she had a HUGE meltdown. Now she can admit it was her, and clean it up! .<br /><br /><b>Learning Disabilities</b><br />I told her this was like her learning disabilities. Yes, she has trouble with certain parts of reading (like spelling), but she's reading on grade level. She is NOT stupid! She just needs some extra help with certain things and someday she will probably get to a point where she doesn't even need that help.<br /><br />While in a lot of ways she was a normal teenage girl, there were some things she still needed help with. She knows that she struggles with a lot of the "responsibilities" of being a teenager. I can't hand her a list and expect her to do everything on it (or better yet, do them without needing a list!). When she's stable, she can be left home alone for a short time. There have been some issues (fighting with Ponito, putting a metal cup in the microwave, a lot of things having to do with attempts to cook!) that mean she's not ready to stay home alone for a long period of time, yet.<br /><br /><b><i>Now the hard part to explain.</i></b><br /><br /><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b>As a good mom, it is my job to parent her where she IS, not where someone says she SHOULD BE.&nbsp;</b></span><br /><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>Expecting her to act like a teenager when she's not ready yet is not fair to her. In the last few years, when she is stable, she has grown emotionally from 4 to about age 10! and she's growing all the time. When she is not stable/ <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">dysregulated</a>, she needs extra help, about what a 6 year old might need.<br /><br /><b>Concrete / Black and White Thinking</b><br />This is where Kitty's Concrete/ Black and White thinking made things super difficult. I had to repeat a LOT (and it still didn't stick) that I didn't think she was stupid or 6 years old. I felt that she needed the emotional support that a 6 year old needs.<br /><br /><b>THIS IS A GOOD THING!!</b><br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">I let Kitty know (repeatedly!) that change is a GOOD thing! Yes, it meant that she wasn't going to automatically get a lot of the "teen privileges," but she also was no longer going to get in trouble for not meeting her "teen responsibilities."</span></b></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">I wasn't going to be upset with her all the time, and she would have a lot fewer chores and expectations. Life would be a lot easier. &nbsp;</span></b></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b>PLUS, she still got to do the fun stuff.&nbsp;</b></span><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">&nbsp;</span></b></blockquote><br /><br /><b>Even if she'd had a rough day </b>(ex. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">meltdowns</a> and threatening herself). She would still get to go out to eat with the family. She'd still get to watch TV (although the shows would be more "age appropriate").<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Most importantly, we wouldn't be frustrated with her all the time.</span></b>&nbsp;</blockquote><br />If she felt like Hubby was getting upset with her for not doing something she was "supposed" to do, then I would run interference. If she saw me getting upset with her, she could remind me of this conversation. (And I would chant my mantra in my head, "<i>She's only 6! &nbsp;She's only 6! She's only 6!"</i>).<br /><br /><b><i>Example:&nbsp;</i></b><br /><b><i>Kitty started picking a fight on the way home from a shopping trip I'd let her go on even though she didn't "earn it" or do her chores. The trip was my way of letting her know that I know she tried and my expectations for her really have changed. &nbsp;The fight was probably because:&nbsp;</i></b><br /><b><i>a) she didn't get to buy something she wanted, <br />b)Bob did, and <br />c)the trip took a long time.</i></b><br /><b><i><br /></i></b><b><i>We had a discussion about the fight, and I definitely pointed out that the shopping trip had been a treat she hadn't "earned," and she was not getting in trouble for the fight. I did NOT tell her that because of this fight, we wouldn't be making trips exactly like this anymore. We'd try to find ways to get things like this without triggering her (shorter trips, but her something small, don't take her on trips where she's not getting something but Bob is....)</i></b><br /><br /><br /><b>Acceptance Not Required</b><br />As I mentioned, this didn't go over well with Kitty, but it wasn't about her accepting it, it was about me explaining why I wasn't going to keep trying to keep treating her the same as the other kids, and how that meant I loved her MORE not LESS.<br /><div><br /></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-78092942371227918122017-05-28T10:09:00.000-05:002017-05-28T10:22:12.750-05:00Attachment Disorders vs Autism Spectrum<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pzwiBOXJ0J0/WSrn6tDsv4I/AAAAAAAAG_4/dC1OrgjxvyYrWZguk7fC1-TKnnv0E-bTACLcB/s1600/Autism%2BSigns.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="783" data-original-width="553" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pzwiBOXJ0J0/WSrn6tDsv4I/AAAAAAAAG_4/dC1OrgjxvyYrWZguk7fC1-TKnnv0E-bTACLcB/s320/Autism%2BSigns.jpg" width="226" /></a><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zHoh8yKYfdI/WSrn6uVmM9I/AAAAAAAAG_0/fA4Ol7a6-AIvwUVFY6L69r7yY85PTFoAACLcB/s1600/Attachment%2BDisorder%2BSymptoms.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="480" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zHoh8yKYfdI/WSrn6uVmM9I/AAAAAAAAG_0/fA4Ol7a6-AIvwUVFY6L69r7yY85PTFoAACLcB/s320/Attachment%2BDisorder%2BSymptoms.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><b>Clinical Observations of the Differences Between Children on the Autism Spectrum and Those with Attachment Problems: the Coventry Grid by Heather Moran (11/2/2010)</b><br /><br />When a child has experienced a very difficult early life or serious abuse or trauma, it can be hard to tell whether the child has attachment problems or is on the autism spectrum or both. The problems they show may appear very similar on the surface.<br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><br /></b><b>The Coventry Grid discusses the similarities and differences between children on the autism spectrum and children with attachment problems and their response to interventions.&nbsp;</b></blockquote><br />The child's response to therapeutic interventions and strategies, can reveal whether or not the child's issues are ASD or attachment related, or both. The danger of misdiagnosis is that the child might be excluded access from services or interventions that might help. The diagnostic process is subjective and there aren't any definitive tests, so there will always be some children who are inappropriately diagnosed.<br /><br /><b>Differences noted by therapists -&nbsp;</b>working with children on the autism spectrum and children with<br />attachment problems<br /><br /><b>Therapeutic Relationship</b><br />One of the key differences noted by clinicians was the way a therapeutic relationship was used by the child. Professionals described a much more ‘emotional feel’to therapeutic relationships with children with attachment problems and a more ‘matter-of-fact feel’ to therapeutic relationships with those on the autism spectrum.<br /><ul><li><b>Children with attachment problems</b><br />Therapists reported that relationships with this group often developed quite quickly, but that they had to work hard to develop and maintain more appropriate relationships (dependence and maintaining appropriate interpersonal boundaries were very difficult<b>)</b>. <br /><br />The children often emotional challenged the therapists and were resistant to the relationship boundaries the therapists were trying to establish and maintain. <br /><br />The children generally arrived with some ability to make a relationship with another person (although usually in an idiosyncratic and inappropriate way). Part of the therapeutic intervention was to directly address these issues:<br />* helping the youngsters to understand their how they built relationships,<br />* why the relationships may have become unhealthily skewed, and <br />* how they might change things so that their future relationships could be more successful and healthy. <br /><br />The relationship between the child and therapist was the vehicle for therapy</li><li><b>Children on the autism spectrum</b><br />Therapists working with youngsters on the autism spectrum described making great efforts to make the beginnings of relationships work in order to get the child to engage in therapy. <br /><br />The children needed the therapists' active assistance to make a relationship with a professional. This involved helping the child to view contacts as being relevant and useful to him or her. <br /><br />The maintenance of appropriate emotional boundaries was far less of an issue because the children were not usually setting out to test those boundaries. The issues were more focused on appropriate behavior for the room or for the situation. <br /><br />The task was to make therapy relevant, often by involving children’s interests or obsessions because the relationship with the therapist was unlikely to be a significant motivator in the early stages of therapy</li></ul><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">The Coventry Grid</span></b><br /><b><a href="https://www.yumpu.com/en/document/view/52882787/the-coventry-grid-version-2" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;">(Revised&nbsp;Version of the Coventry Grid</span>)</a></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><br /></b></div>The group worked through the symptoms of autism, identifying the day-to-day, real life problems reported by parents and carers. Then, the group considered how those symptoms presented in<br />children with attachment problems.<br /><br /><b>Eating Issues&nbsp;Example:</b><br />Problems with eating are often mentioned in regards to both groups of children with temper tantrums and rigid, obsessive behaviors around eating. However, careful evaluation of the nature of these problems showed considerable differences in how, when and where they occurred. <br /><ul><li><b>Children on the autism spectrum</b>The problems related to eating in children on the autism spectrum were often about the strong preferences related to physical sensations (such as texture and taste), the way food is organised on the plate, or its place in the child’s daily routine. <br /><br />Problems with food were pervasive, occurring wherever the child was invited to eat, regardless of who was offering the food and where it was being eaten. Denial of offered food seemed to be related to taste and texture preference and not to who was offering it.</li><li><b>Children with attachment problems</b>The provision of food often had strong emotional significance and was associated with relationships. Problems were most evident in relation to parents or carers, with more typical eating habits in situations with other adults. <br /><br />Parents and carers often reported concerns about abstinence and gorging and these behaviors tended to be associated with deliberate (and planned) deceit such as throwing or giving away food, or hiding food and wrappers. Denial of offered food seemed to be with the intention of emotional hurt or emotional defense, something which requires an understanding of emotional relationships.</li></ul><br />Differences between the two groups were considerable, even though the headline for both could be “obsessive and rigid patterns of eating behavior."<br /><br />Both autism and significant attachment problems might be construed as developmental difficulties and both groups might be vulnerable to misdiagnosis, especially when they present with depression and anxiety or when they have very good intellectual abilities and relatively poor relationship skills.<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Children with one or both of these diagnoses (on the autism spectrum or attachment problems) may look similar, but there are definite differences in the way their problems are expressed in daily functioning.&nbsp;</span></b></blockquote><br />These differences imply that different assessment and diagnostic pathways and different treatment styles may be needed for the two groups, although there may be some types of intervention from<br />which they would both benefit (eg the use of visual timetables to reduce anxiety).<br /><br /><i><a href="http://www.aettraininghubs.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/5.4-Moran-paper-attachment.pdf" target="_blank">Heather Moran - a Consultant Child Clinical Psychologist who works within a Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) and other professionals in the West Midlands 11/2/2010</a></i><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">Click here for the: &nbsp; <b style="text-align: center;">(<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.yumpu.com/en/document/view/52882787/the-coventry-grid-version-2" target="_blank">Revised&nbsp;Version of the Coventry Grid</a>)</span></b><br /></div><br />marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-48421876153955799122017-04-11T18:37:00.001-05:002017-04-11T18:39:47.517-05:00How To Get Treated Like an Adult. <div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">ACT LIKE ONE!!</span></div><br />Kitty is always complaining that we don't treat her like an adult. Unfortunately, Kitty&nbsp;has no understanding of what an adult is, except that it's *our fault* she's not being treated like one.<br /><br />She wants all of the adult privileges (driving, living in her own place, being able to come and go without telling anyone, getting a pet, handling her own money...), but is not capable of handling most of the privileges she wants, and discounts the ones she does get as her due. (Can you say, "entitled"?)<br /><br />She also has no interest or actual ability in dealing with the adult <b><i>responsibilities</i></b>.<br /><br />So I decided to put together a document on how to get treated like an adult, just like I've done with things like <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/04/what-we-expect-before-you-begin-driving.html" target="_blank">driving</a>.&nbsp;I sat down and listed out things she needs to be able to do to show us she's ready to be treated like an adult. When I started the list, I was extremely frustrated, and focused on showing her concrete reasons why she was not ready to be treated like an adult.<br /><br />I did something like this once before when she got the psych hospital staff to try to force me to treat her like the teenager she was physically, even though she was so dysregulated that she wasn't even able to handle almost any privileges at all, let alone ones that usually came with her physical age of 16 (cell phones, hanging out with friends at the mall, unsupervised dating...). So I came up with this document -- &nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">Chores/ responsibilities vs privileges</a><br /><br />Here's the document I started.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b>How To Get Treated Like an Adult&nbsp;</b></div><br /><b>RESPONSIBLE</b><br /><b>Be Proactive. </b>Explore your options. <b><i>Be honest with yourself about your strengths and abilities.</i></b><br /><br />Plan for the future you want.<br /><ul><li>Discuss with others (therapist, parents) what it would look like.&nbsp;</li><li>Write down the steps needed to get there - include a general timeline.&nbsp;</li><li>Work your way through the steps one by one until you achieve your goal.&nbsp;</li></ul><br /><b>Be flexible! </b>If something you've planned is not working out, try to figure out why (ask for advice!). <b><i>Be willing to change your goals</i></b>!<br /><br /><b>Focus on your strengths! </b>Instead of whining and complaining about your limitations and what you can't do, make goals based on your strengths and abilities. If you don't like a limitation or "weakness," find a way to work around it or change your goals.<br /><br /><b>Be positive and focus on working toward achievable goals.</b> Don't dream the impossible dream, make it achievable!<br /><br /><b>RESPECTFUL</b><br /><b>Ask for and accept help.&nbsp;</b>Do remember that while many people are looking out for your best interest, you should not expect it or accept it at the expense of their own. What can you do for them for helping you?<br /><br /><b>HONEST</b><br />If you don't feel like you're being treated fairly, talk to the person upsetting you, or a trusted adult.<br /><br />Be aware that it takes time for yourself and others to see, believe, and trust in any major changes. Please be understanding to all during that time.<br /><br /><b>APPRECIATIVE</b><br /><br />FUN TO BE AROUND<br />3 Vent Rule<br /><br /><b>LOVING -</b> <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/adult-boarder-vs-family-girl.html" target="_blank">Family Girl vs Adult Boarder</a><br /><br /><b>LEARNING</b><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">***</div><br />As you can see, I started by using&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-fair.html" target="_blank">RRHAFTBALL</a>&nbsp;as an outline. I got about halfway done, and lost steam. Once I was done venting, I knew it was just as pointless to present this to her as presenting the <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">level chart</a> had been when she was a teen. (How the privileges vs responsibilities level chart worked out is at the bottom of <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank"><i>this </i>page</a>)<br /><br />Kitty's&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">emotional development</a> has progressed to about 13 on a (really) good day, and honestly? I believe this is about where she'll stay.<br /><br />Which makes it even more frustrating that she will always feel that she deserves to be treated like an adult and hold it against us when we don't treat her that way. If we keep pointing out why we are doing this, it feels like criticism and shaming and reinforces her <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" target="_blank">deep-rooted belief that she's unlovable, despised, and we and everyone else will abandon her for being imperfect</a>).<br /><br />She just doesn't "get it," and I don't believe she can "fix it." It feels cruel to keep saying you need to act like an adult to be treated like an adult.<br /><br />I know she needs, and will continue to need <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/11/structure-and-caring-support.html" target="_blank">extra structure and support</a>.<br /><br /><b><br /></b><b>SO HERE'S WHAT WE DID:</b><br /><b><br /></b>I gave Kitty exactly what she wanted.<br /><br /><b>She wanted to be independent, but also needed to feel loved and supported or she felt abandoned. </b>(Obviously these two things are pretty conflicting)<br /><br /><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/running-again.html" target="_blank">We let her move out</a>.</b><br />Deep down, Kitty knows that she's not ready to live totally on her own, so she did the next best thing (for her). She moved in with biofamily, who she was convinced would let her do whatever she wants. People who actually live a life of adult privileges with very few of what I would consider to be the "adult responsibilities." This time she lived with them for 4 months before she came home.<br /><br />Just like last time she tried this, the second she walked out the door, she was constantly calling me for emotional support. She went from hiding in her room all day, to calling me 3 to 4 times a day (we actually talked about this "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" tendency, and she acknowledges it).<br /><b><br /></b><b>We compromised</b> (aka I bribed her).<br />Kitty wants to be independent, but I believe she will never be truly capable of this, and don't want to have to continuously have to pick up the pieces when things don't work the way she thinks they will, especially if one of those pieces is pregnancy.<br /><br /><div><b>What Kitty says she wants:&nbsp;</b></div><div><ul><li>To live independently</li><li>To be able to drive</li><li>To have a nice place to live ("not a crappy one bedroom trailer")</li><li>To be able to come and go whenever she wants</li><li>To have whoever she wants come over and stay as long as she wants them to (including sleepovers with guys)</li><li>To be able to cook and eat whatever she wants</li><li>To leave her place as messy as she wants</li><li>To make her own medical choices (as long as she doesn't have to: fill out a bunch of forms, take public transportation to get there, handle insurance, deal with any issues that come up, find new medical professionals as needed...)</li><li>To pay her own bills for whatever services she wants (Netflix, hulu, and deal with her own medical</li><li>To make her own decisions about how her money is spent (alcohol, getting her hair done, clothes and shoes from Hot Topic or online, eating out... )</li><li>To have no one "judging" her if she wants to stay out all night partying, have sex, drink...</li></ul></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">What I want most is to be her Mom, and drop all the other titles/ hats.&nbsp;</span></b></div><div style="text-align: left;">What I want:</div><br /><ul><li>For Kitty to accept her limitations and not blame and take her feelings about her limitations out on me.&nbsp;</li><li>To not have to constantly run interference between Kitty and real life. (Most real life consequences would crush her)</li><li>To not be the "<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/08/kitty-vent-feel-free-to-ignore.html" target="_blank">Dream Killer</a>"&nbsp;</li><li>To not be continually taking care of and cleaning up after her&nbsp;</li><li>To not be her emotional support/ regulator for the rest of her life (I'm ok with this to some extent, but she currently calls and texts me <i><b>at least</b></i> 3 to 4 times a day, usually in full crisis mode)</li><li>To not have to raise her children</li><li>To not be her caseworker for the rest of my life (scheduling appointments, handling insurance, filling out forms, transporting her everywhere, handling her money, enforcing her budget)</li><li>To know that she'll be OK if something happens to Hubby and I</li></ul><br /><b>Residential Vocational School</b><br />I finally found a residential facility designed to teach independent living and job skills to young people with mild intellectual disabilities (which Kitty was recently diagnosed with). I also found funding for it (it's $7000+ a <i>month)</i>. The program is designed to last 12 - 18 months. The majority of the students are like Kitty, needing independent living skills, but will most likely never be able to achieve full independence.<br /><br />Of course when I broached the subject of the school, she was having none of it!<br /><br /><b>After much negotiation, and with the help of her therapist, these are the compromises we've come up with:&nbsp;</b><br /><br /><ol><li><b>She will attend the Residential Vocational School for at least 3 to 4 months</b>. I have agreed to this much shorter time on the condition that she keep an open mind about staying longer, and that she doesn't tell the school or her funding source (one or both of which might stop paying for her to be there and send her home early). Since we currently have no place for her to live, that would be bad!<br /><br />** This gives us time for the family to move and to prepare her new place (we're downsizing now that Ponito is 18 and graduating from high school this year).<br />** She will have about $200 of her SSI money that doesn't go to the school. Minus the expenses that will continue while she's at school (cell phone, medical insurance, preparing her new place...), she will have some money to spend on things she wants. We purchased many of these items in advance so she will have them at school. She will be paying back the loan of this money. <br />** <b><i>Items she purchased with her "advance"</i></b>: <br /><b>-- Laptop</b> (which also allows her to see her therapist weekly via a Skype-type video chat thingy. <br /><b>-- TV</b> that works with her lap top and the DVD player she got for Christmas.<b> <br />-- "Uniforms"</b> the school requires business casual wear for when she's in class (Khakis, polos/ button down shirts...), <br /><b>-- Professional Hair Coloring</b> - the school stated that since their focus was on getting her job ready, she could not dye her hair crazy colors or something like bleach blonde that won't look professional when it started growing out, so Kitty decided to wait on this until she returns home.<br /><b>-- Tablet</b> - I'm waiting until Kitty is more comfortable at school (she's only been there a month) to tell her about this one, and I'm hoping it will allow me to negotiate her being there for 2-3 more months while we're getting the new house ready. <br />When helping Kitty repack so that her stuff would fit in the car to go to school (ex. she had a large packing box full of nothing but hangers tossed in so that they filled the box, rather than neatly stacked allowing more room for other things), I discovered a tablet that I knew wasn't hers. She gave some lame excuses about where it came from, but I strongly suspected that it was mine that had been stolen almost 2 years before. I didn't allow her to take it with her to school.<br />Hubby checked it over, and it is definitely mine, minus the $80 case it had on it, and plus a ton of stickers and glitter , downloads, and apps(and computer viruses). She absolutely knew it was mine when it went missing and we have evidence she's been using it, not just "discovered" it recently.&nbsp;</li><li><b>We are moving to a new place where she can have her own "apartment." </b>With a separate entrance, a kitchen, and a bathroom. We've had to be flexible on what that would look like, since we have a LOT of criteria our new home has to fit or can be made to fit by renovating and/or adding to the house.<br />** fit in our very tight budget, <br />** has either: a set of rooms or a garage that can be converted (ex. by changing a window to a door for a separate entrance and either has a bathroom or can add a bathroom, can add a kitchenette), or a large enough property and no deed/ code restrictions to allow a trailer/ RV/ ADU (Additional Dwelling Unit/ Granny pod...)<br />** handicap accessible for my mother-in-law who uses a walker/ wheelchair, <br />** within walking distance of a bus or other transportation for Kitty<br />** the commute to downtown Big City where Hubby works cannot be too long<br />** space for Ponito and Bob when they are back from college during holidays and summers.<br />** preferably in a county that offers less expensive legal services for getting legal guardianship of Kitty<br /><i>Notice how many of those criteria are specifically for Kitty!</i></li><li><b>We haven't discussed this one yet, but if she wants to change the<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/boarder-agreement.html" target="_blank"> boarder agreement </a>so she can have male guests, especially if they spend the night. Then I want her to have an IUD.&nbsp;</b></li><li>Of course there are many other things we'll need to work out:<br />- Budgeting (food, transportation, clothing, rent, entertainment)<br />- Using the family wifi and common areas<br />- Pets<br />- Giving us a heads up about her plans so we know when to start searching ditches<br />- Family Activities (is she always invited when we eat out or go to a movie or the lake or something?)<br />- <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/adult-boarder-vs-family-girl.html" target="_blank">Health Code violations</a> aka how much supervision for cleaning, food storage, garbage, clutter...<br />- Respecting our electric and water bills</li></ol><br />We had her first staffing at the new school. Of course she's doing great, she always does. What interested me most is that the school has an extension program for "transitioning students." After they've completed this program, they can live in an apartment on campus, work, and practice all the skills they've learned (budgeting, cooking, paying bills...). I've asked if they can give me information so that we can try replicating this program at home (they do already know she wants to return to our city instead of staying on for this program).marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-63958198309500847962016-12-27T23:44:00.002-06:002016-12-28T00:15:40.681-06:00Like Attracts Like - What Happens When Mentally Ill People Have Children<b>Like Attracts Like</b><br />I've always assumed this was the case, but this study actually shows that people with a psychiatric diagnosis "connecting" with someone with a psychiatric diagnosis was <b><span style="color: red;">two to three times higher</span></b> than for people without a psychiatric diagnosis. They also seemed to be more attracted to people with a similar diagnosis to themselves and are less likely to marry. <br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">"<i><b>Nonrandom mating is evident in psychiatric populations both within specific disorders and across the spectrum of psychiatric conditions. This phenomenon may hold important implications for how we understand the familial transmission of these disorders and for psychiatric genetic research.</b></i>"</blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq">This study from the famous Karolinska Insitute in Sweden examined over 700,000 men and women with psychiatric diagnoses and compared them to over three million people without psychiatric diagnoses.<a href="http://archpsyc.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=2494707" target="_blank"> Swedish Study published in JAMA Psychiatriy</a></blockquote><b><i>{Marythemom: We definitely saw this with Bear and his <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/11/kleenex-girls.html" target="_blank">"Kleenex Girls."</a>}</i></b><br /><b><br /></b><b>Increased Risk Factors</b><br />Many mentally ill people live in poverty and engage in any number of risky behaviors such as prostitution to earn money or support drug habits. Generally, the severely mentally ill lack the forethought and coherence of mind to actually take a birth-control pill every day, let alone the medications that help their mental functioning. Many abuse illegal drugs as a way of self-medicating.<br /><br />Often, mentally ill adults tend to gravitate toward each other due to socio-economic status and behavioral habits. Mentally ill female patients are exposed to any number of dangerous situations which makes them vulnerable to rape and sexual assault. Thus, there are many pregnancies created out of terrible circumstances and often the father is not known.<br /><br /><b>It Takes Two</b><br />Psychiatric disorders are heritable, polygenic traits, which often share risk alleles - which means that if 2 people with similar diagnoses get together and make a baby...<br /><br /><i>For example:</i><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">Although schizophrenia develops in only about 1% of the population, having a parent with schizophrenia increases the risk to 10%. The odds increase to <u><b>30% to 40%</b></u> if both parents are schizophrenic. <a href="http://www.schizophrenic.com/content/schizophrenia/schizophrenia-risk-factors" target="_blank">Schizophrenic Risk Factors</a></blockquote><br /><b><br /></b><b>What Happens When Mentally Ill People Have Children</b><br />Teen pregnancy rates among Canadian girls with major psychiatric disorders (bipolar, severe depression, psychotic disorders) was found to be three times higher than the average population.<br /><br />Such girls were more likely to have more children following the birth of their first; “Services focused on counseling girls who already have delivered one child may also be important because the rates of multiple births are higher among those with major mental illness.”<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Statistically, children of the mentally ill have a higher chance of becoming mentally ill themselves.</span></b></blockquote>&nbsp;N<b>ature <i>and</i> Nurture</b>;<br />Severe mental illness has a strong genetic factor.<br />Add to that the stress and chaos of being raised by a severely mentally ill parent, or the child being passed around to foster parents or group homes, and it creates the <b>perfect storm</b> for developing any number of mood disorders, behavioral problems, and juvenile delinquency, let alone the increased possibility of the onset of a neurological disorders such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.<br /><br /><br /><b>These conditions can lead the child to a life of illness, poverty, crime, and self-destruction... and future generations of mentally ill children.&nbsp;</b>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-68946207957734842362016-12-01T00:30:00.003-06:002016-12-16T14:20:00.356-06:00Weighted Blankets<center><b>There are many options for purchasing weighted blankets.&nbsp;</b><span style="text-align: left;">I've found many sites over the years. You can look at </span><a href="https://www.etsy.com/search?q=custom+weighted+blanket&amp;utm_source=google&amp;utm_medium=cpc&amp;utm_term=etsy+weighted+blanket_e&amp;utm_campaign=Search_US_Brand_Google_S_Home-And-Living_Bedding_Blankets-And-Throws_Exact&amp;utm_ag=Blankets-Weighted&amp;utm_custom1=01ec922e-7d58-431b-b5f4-e239ddb0416f&amp;gclid=CO6-zJux0tACFdY8gQodIqgHJg" style="text-align: left;" target="_blank">Etsy</a><span style="text-align: left;">.&nbsp;</span></center><center><span style="text-align: left;">Amazon -&nbsp;</span><a href="http://amzn.to/2gAvwVG" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #365899; cursor: pointer; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">http://amzn.to/2gAvwVG</a></center><center><span style="text-align: left;">Here's a list put out by friendshipcircle.org - </span><a href="http://www.friendshipcircle.org/blog/2016/02/11/15-places-to-find-custom-weighted-blankets-and-other-products/" style="text-align: left;" target="_blank">15 Places to Find Custom Weighted Blankets and Other Products</a></center><div style="text-align: center;"><br /> <b>Make Your Own Weighted Blanket - It's a lot easier than you think!</b><br /><b><br /></b></div><div></div><div>Here are some basic instructions I adapted for making a weighted blanket for those who do not want to purchase one at the ghastly prices some places are asking, want to customize the blanket, or just prefer to do it themselves. &nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Determining Size - What Is the Blanket to be used for?</b></div><div><b>Calming tool -&nbsp;</b>for the car, using TV/computer, at school (although a lap pad or weighted vest might be a better choice), in church, etc. -- Lap blanket (34" x 43")or a Wrap blanket (43" x 52"). These sizes are also a good fit for those in a wheelchair.</div><div><b>Sleep</b> - blanket size depends on the height of the person using the blanket and /or the bed size. For smaller children, it is recommended that a weighted sleep blanket be made to fit on the top of the mattress &nbsp;and not hang over the sides of the bed, this is not an issue for older children, teens and adults. &nbsp;In most cases, a &nbsp;sleep blanket should always have the weights evenly distributed throughout the entire area of the blanket (although it's not necessary to weight parts that won't be covering the body (like the parts over the edges of the mattress or if your child is only 40" tall, there's not much point in putting weights at the bottom of a twin blanket!) and NOT concentrated in one area, although people with Restless Leg Syndrome may prefer the weights to be heavier in the lower part of the blanket.&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><b>What Materials Do I need?</b><br /><b><br /></b></div><div><b>Materials</b>&nbsp;- Scissors, pins, thread, yardstick, a water soluble marking pencil/ marker/ chalk, and a sewing machine. &nbsp;Fabric and Filler.<br /><b><br /></b><b>Fabric</b> - How much fabric you need depends on what you want to use the blanket for! &nbsp;You'll need 2 pieces of fabric the size of blanket you've chosen. &nbsp;Almost any type of fabric will do. <br /><br />For the inside part, you will want something pretty sturdy, especially for a heavier blanket and/or rougher textured filler. &nbsp;This piece can be pretty basic, like a simple mid-weight cotton quilting fabric. You can make it two sided with different fabrics for each side.<br /><br />You can also use something pre-made - like heavy bed sheets.<br />To make it water resistant (good idea for bed wetters), use a water resistant fabric like a shower curtain (the fabric part, not thin plastic that would tear when you sew through it), or a heavy vinyl table cloth (the kind that has a "fabricy" side).&nbsp;</div><div><ul><li>Crib/Toddler Blanket (36" x 52")&nbsp;</li><li>Lap blanket (34" x 43")</li><li>Wrap blanket &nbsp;(43" &nbsp;x 52")&nbsp;</li><li>Throw (50" x 60")</li><li>Twin size (43" x 75")</li><li>Full size (54" x 75")</li><li>Queen Size (60" x 80")</li><li>King (76" x 80")&nbsp;</li></ul><div><div>Ex. &nbsp;For a lap blanket about 34" x 43" , your fabric should be approximately 45" wide and 72" long (you'll want a little extra width and height for seams). &nbsp;</div></div></div><div><br /><b><u>Duvet Cover</u></b></div><div><div><b><br /></b>The duvet/cover is a great idea for blankets that are heavy/ difficult to wash. &nbsp;The cover fabric can be anything you want, even fleece, and can be chosen for sensory properties. &nbsp;You can even make it two sided with different fabrics<br /><div><br /></div><b>Materials:</b> <br /><b>Fabric:</b> If you want to make a duvet/cover for your blanket you will need 2 more pieces of fabric &nbsp;- 2-3 inches wider and longer than the dimensions of your blanket.<br /><b>Velcro</b>&nbsp;(1/2" or 3/4" width)- Sew-on Velcro about 3/4 of the width of the cover, plus about 8 inches.<br />Ex. For a twin size bed this would be about 33" + 8" so 41" total.<br />(The extra 8 inches will be cut into five 1 1/2" pieces to help hold the cover in place on the blanket). <br /><b><i>TIP: Make sure you get the sew on kind, not stick on, or you will muck up your sewing machine! &nbsp;</i></b></div><div><br /></div><div><b><u>Filler Weight</u></b></div></div><div><b>Weight Calculation &nbsp;-&nbsp;</b>Weighted Blanket standard formula is 10% of your body weight plus one pound. &nbsp;This is recommended by most Occupational Therapists as a starting point. &nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div><b><i>TIP:&nbsp; Don't forget to subtract the weight of the materials when determining how much weight that you need! &nbsp;Heavy fabrics can add a </i>lot<i> of extra weight! Weigh all the materials of the blanket, including the duvet cover if you have one, together with your filler - reduce the amount of filler needed accordingly).&nbsp;</i></b></div><div><br /></div><div>(Ex. &nbsp;For a 100lb person the calculated amount would be:<br />10% + 1lb = 11 lbs calculated weight. &nbsp;If the blanket materials are 1.5 lb. &nbsp;The <u>Calculated Weight would be 9.5 lbs.</u>)&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div><b>What do I use for Weight?</b></div><div><ul><li><b>Beans/ Rice</b>&nbsp;- Beans are a good weight for the bulk, smooth and rounded to not wear on the fabric, cost effective. &nbsp;Just the regular dried beans you buy in the grocery store work, Navy or Pinto beans are a good size and inexpensive. &nbsp;Make sure though if you need to wash it that it is in cold, short cycle, and hang to dry. You will definitely want to consider a water-resistant fabric.<br /><i>1 pound of dried beans = about 2 cups of beans<br />1 pound of dry white rice = about 2 1/3 cup rice</i></li><li><b>Popcorn </b>- another good choice, but may wear fabric out sooner as the kernels are pointed on the end. Should also consider a water-resistant fabric.<br /><i>1 pound of popcorn kernels = about 2 cups of kernels</i></li><li><b>Poly pellets </b>- more expensive, also a lot more bulk for the weight. &nbsp;These work better for lighter/smaller blankets (like throws and child blankets). &nbsp;They are Hypoallergenic and washable.<br /><i>1 pound of poly pellets = about 3 1/2 cup of pellets</i></li><li><b>Aquarium Rock</b> - great if you can find it inexpensively. Check out thrift stores!</li><li><b>River Rock*&nbsp;</b>– a pebble-like gravel found super cheap and in bulk at home improvement stores (rinse thoroughly several times to get rid of all the dust and grit), Can be rough so you might want to use a heavy/thick fabric to protect the skin and cover/duvet. Also, will most likely can't go through the washing machine so consider a fabric that can be wiped clean rather than washed, or plan to wash it in the bath tub or outside with a hose.<br /><i>1 pound of&nbsp;gravel, dry 1/4 to 2 inch = about 1 1/4 cup of gravel</i></li></ul></div><div><b><i>TIP: &nbsp;I've made several blankets with river rock. &nbsp;It's super cheap, but can be a bit rough so I'd recommend a heavier fabric. &nbsp;My husband likes that it doesn't retain heat, as he tends to sleep hot.</i></b></div><div><br /></div><div><b><br /></b><b>Instructions:&nbsp;</b></div><div><br /></div><div>1. <b>&nbsp;Prep the Fabric (Add Velcro if using Duvet Cover). </b>It is strongly recommended you wash then dry your all your fabric at least twice, three times is better, before measuring and cutting. &nbsp;This will help you avoid shrinkage that will make the cover not fit in the future.</div><div><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b>If you’re planning on using a duvet/cover, now is a good time to sew on your Velcro to the blanket.<i> &nbsp;</i></b></blockquote><b>Attach Velcro.&nbsp;</b>To keep the duvet cover on the blanket and hold everything together attach the fuzzy side of 1 1/2" long Velcro strips to one side of your blanket fabric (you'll attach the rough/ "sticky" side to the inside of the duvet cover later). &nbsp;On the right side of your fabric, stitch a 1 1/2" strip in each corner (about 2" in from the corner) and one in the middle. &nbsp;(see figure 1 - Velcro tabs go where the "X"s are located).</div><div><br /></div><div><img border="0" height="15" src="file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Owner/LOCALS~1/Temp/msohtmlclip1/01/clip_image004.gif" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;" v:shapes="_x0000_i1028" width="1" /></div><table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoNormalTable" style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-insideh: .5pt solid windowtext; mso-border-insidev: .5pt solid windowtext; mso-padding-alt: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184;"> <tbody><tr style="height: .3in; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-irow: 0;"> <td style="border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;sans-serif&quot;; font-size: 9.0pt;">X<o:p></o:p></span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;sans-serif&quot;; font-size: 9.0pt;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;X<o:p></o:p></span></div></td> </tr><tr style="height: .3in; mso-yfti-irow: 1;"> <td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> </tr><tr style="height: .3in; mso-yfti-irow: 2;"> <td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; 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border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> </tr><tr style="height: 20.1pt; mso-yfti-irow: 3;"> <td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; 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width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> </tr><tr style="height: 20.1pt; mso-yfti-irow: 4;"> <td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;sans-serif&quot;; font-size: 9.0pt;">X<o:p></o:p></span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> </tr><tr style="height: .3in; mso-yfti-irow: 5;"> <td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; 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border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 20.1pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> </tr><tr style="height: .3in; mso-yfti-irow: 7; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;"> <td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;sans-serif&quot;; font-size: 9.0pt;">X<o:p></o:p></span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: .3in; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 33.1pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;sans-serif&quot;; font-size: 9.0pt;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;X<o:p></o:p></span></div></td> </tr></tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>figure 1</b></i><br /><br /><div><div><b><i>TIP: When stitching Velcro, it's best to use a fresh machine needle in a larger size, like you would use for denim, or a size 14 or 16.</i></b><br /><div><br /></div><br />2. &nbsp; <b>&nbsp;Stitch the Outside Seam. </b>Place fabrics right sides together and stitch the two pieces of fabric together with a 1/2" seam allowance along the edge of the two long sides and one short side. &nbsp;Use a strong stitch like an overlock, or run a second seam close to the first for more strength. You will then have a rectangular bag, kind of like a pillowcase.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /><br />3. &nbsp; &nbsp;<b>Turn the piece right side out</b> (you can trim the corners first), and lightly press the edges (unless you're using a fabric that can't be ironed, like vinyl!).&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div><br /><br />4. &nbsp; &nbsp;<b>Determine number of needed sections.</b><br /><b>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Width</b> - Measure across the width of the fabric. Divide by 5 to determine the number of sections needed <br />Ex. &nbsp;For a lap blanket (34" in width divided by 5 = 6) you would end up with 6 sections (each 5" in width) across. <br />For a twin (43" in width divided by 5 = 8), you would have 8 sections across. <br /><br /><b><i>TIP: If you are making a larger blanket (full, queen, king) , keep in mind where the body will be located, and rather than spreading the weight across the whole blanket, you might want to concentrate on where the body will be (could be more on one side of the bed or smack in the middle keeping about 8 sections, approximately 5" in width, concentrated on where the body will be.&nbsp;</i></b><br /><b><i><br /></i></b><b><i>TIP: You can also make your blanket just this width and position it accordingly in a "pocket" in the duvet, rather than have the blanket be the full width of the duvet. This would also allow you to remove it from the duvet for washing and even use it as a throw or lap blanket.&nbsp;</i></b><b><i>If two people share the bed, this would allow one of them to not be covered by the weighted blanket on their side of the bed, or for them to use a blanket properly weighted for them.&nbsp;</i></b></div><div><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;<b> Height </b>- Measure down the height of the fabric. Divide by 5 to determine the number of sections needed. <br />Ex. For a lap blanket (43" in height divided by 5 = 8), so you would have 8 sections down.<br /><b><i>TIP: If you are making a larger blanket (twin, full, queen, king), keep in mind how tall the body is and add about 2 sections.&nbsp;</i></b><br /><b><i>Ex. For a 43" tall child you would want 10 sections (43" in height divided by 5 = 8 + 2).<br />For a person who is 5' or taller, you would want 15 sections (65" in height divided by 5 = 13&nbsp;+ 2).&nbsp;</i></b></div><div><br /><br />5. &nbsp;<b>Making the Grid</b>. Now you will mark off a grid on the fabric. &nbsp;Use a pencil, air soluble marker or chalk, draw the lines in lightly. <br /><b>Width</b><br />Take the actual width of the fabric and divide by the number of sections you just figured to determine exactly how large to make each section (this will vary a little depending on the actual width of your fabric, but each will be approximately 5" x 5). &nbsp;Mark off and draw lines down the length of your fabric. <br />Ex. A wrap blanket is 43" in width and your fabric is 45" in width. Your lines across would be approximately 5 1/4" apart. <br /><b>Height</b><br />Measure the length of the fabric - subtract 1" to leave room to fold over the top. Divide the length of the fabric by the number of sections to determine how large to make each section. &nbsp;Mark off and draw lines across the width. &nbsp;When you are finished, you will have a piece of fabric with squares marked off on it like&nbsp;<b><i>figure 1</i></b>.&nbsp; (<i>Note - they won't be perfect squares, in any case, the length and height will be different, I just use the word squares to describe the sections we are creating.)</i><br /><br /><b><i>TIP: For bedding (twin, full, queen, king), don't forget to keep in mind the length and location of the body. &nbsp;If this is a blanket for a petite person or child, it doesn't make sense to have the the weight distributed all the way down the bed. &nbsp;</i></b><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span style="color: red;">The bottom edge of your grid should stop at the number of sections you already determined above x 5", &nbsp;plus the one inch at the top.</span></b></blockquote><br /><b><i>Ex. </i></b><b><i>For a 43" tall child your grid's bottom edge would be at 51" (43" in height divided by 5 = 8 sections + 2 sections = 10 sections = 10 sections x 5" = 50").&nbsp;</i></b><b><i>&nbsp; &nbsp;</i></b></div><div><br /></div><div><br /><br />6. &nbsp; &nbsp;<b>Sewing the grid</b>. Now, straight stitch along the marked lines that run from the open top edge to the bottom edge. &nbsp;Stitch along the bottom edge. You will end up with a long row of channels, open at one end like this (the top edge of the fabric is open - <i>sorry about the graphic making it look like it's closed on the first channel</i>):</div></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i>TIP: Use pins through both layers to make sure that the bottom layer doesn't shift while stitching.</i></b><br /><br /></div><table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoNormalTable" style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-insideh: .5pt solid windowtext; mso-border-insidev: .5pt solid windowtext; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184;"> <tbody><tr style="height: 156.85pt; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;"> <td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; height: 156.85pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 49.35pt;" valign="top" width="66"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 156.85pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 49.35pt;" valign="top" width="66"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 156.85pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 49.35pt;" valign="top" width="66"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 156.85pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 49.35pt;" valign="top" width="66"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 156.85pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 49.35pt;" valign="top" width="66"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; height: 156.85pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-right-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 49.35pt;" valign="top" width="66"><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div></td> </tr></tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: .75pt;"><br /><br />7. &nbsp;<b>Determine how much weighted filler for each section.</b><br />Now to determine how much of the weighted filler to add to each grid square. <br />First, determine how many squares you have, then divide your Calculated Weight by this amount. <br />Ex. &nbsp;Lap blanket is 6 sections across by 8 sections long (6x8) = 48 squares. <br />For a 100lb person the Calculated Weight would be 10% body weight (10 lbs) + 1 lb - weight of the materials (1/2 lb) = 9.5 lbs. So, &nbsp;9.5 lbs / 48 = .2 lbs)<br /><b><i>TIP: There are 16oz in a pound. So .2lbs is 3.2oz</i></b><br /><br /><b><i>TIP: &nbsp;Once you have your gross measurement of weight, rather than measure or weigh each individual amount as you go, I recommend dividing it ahead of time. &nbsp; I put each section's weight in a plastic baggie.</i></b><br /><br />Options for dividing your weighted filler (using example numbers of 9.5lbs):<br /><ul><li><b>Using a kitchen scale</b> - You can carefully measure .2lbs (3.2oz) forty-eight times (and hope you're right - due to a faulty scale I once ended up with a 30+ lb blanket!). &nbsp;</li><li><b>Eyeball/ Approximate*&nbsp;</b>- You can measure out your 9.5lbs then divide it in half (I just "eyeballed" it - approximated). Then divide the two halves in half (approx.), then divide those in half... until you end up with the entire weight divided into 48 sections.<br />Ex. I chose river rock as my filler, which needed to be cleaned and rinsed first (it was dusty!). &nbsp;I spread it on a sheet in my driveway and rinsed it off with a hose, then let it dry in the sun. I then “eyeballed” it, dividing the weight approximately in half, then dividing both halves into halves, and so on until I had 48 little piles, which I put into little plastic baggies.<br /><i>*My personal preference!&nbsp;</i></li><li><b>How many scoops in a pound? </b>Using a small scoop or measuring cup (a 1/4-cup measure cup works well). &nbsp;If you are using beans for your filler, start with a 1 lb bag. &nbsp;Measure out the entire bag with your measuring cup or scoop; find out how many scoops are in 1 lb. &nbsp;If you are using something that comes in bulk, like the poly pellets, use a food scale to weigh out 1 lb and do the same thing. <br />Ex. Using their scoop, they get 10 scoops per 1 lb of beans. &nbsp;Then, multiply the number of pounds you want in the blanket by the number of scoops per 1 lb. &nbsp;For example, for an 8 lb blanket it will take 8 X 10 or 80 scoops. &nbsp;Then divide the total number of scoops in the blanket weight by the number of squares. &nbsp;In this example, 80 scoops and 48 squares gives us 80 / 48 or 1.66 scoops per square. &nbsp;(About one and two thirds.) &nbsp;It's a little tricky getting 2/3 of a scoop, but it doesn't need to be perfectly exact, &nbsp;it will all work out.&nbsp;</li></ul><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: .75pt;"><br /><br />9. &nbsp; &nbsp;<b>Filling the &nbsp;Channels</b>. In each one of the long channels going across, drop in the measured amount of the filler (or the contents of one baggie). &nbsp;Shake it all the way down to the bottom of the blanket, below the marked grid line. &nbsp;Once every channel in a row is full, then stitch carefully across the grid line to enclose the filler in that row of squares. <br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">(oooo - represents filler)</div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C6anA55Gyoc/UfiaST5agDI/AAAAAAAADxc/5NvDjmr1Wgk/s1600/weighted+blanket+filling.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="273" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C6anA55Gyoc/UfiaST5agDI/AAAAAAAADxc/5NvDjmr1Wgk/s320/weighted+blanket+filling.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: .75pt;">Continue working your way up the blanket, row by row the same way. &nbsp;Add the scoops of filler to each channel, shake it down, then stitch the row closed, until you get to the last row at the top.<br /><br />10. &nbsp; &nbsp;<b>Finishing the blanket. </b>Before filling the last row, fold down a half-inch or so and press well into place (if you can't use an iron on the fabric, then finger press it), then fold again and press well. &nbsp;Open the folded area and fill each section. &nbsp;Pin the fold into place over the filled space. &nbsp;Work your way across, filling and pinning each section so nothing falls out. &nbsp;Then stitch the folded section closed, removing pins as you go along. &nbsp;Stitch again to make it very secure.<br />If you aren't making a duvet cover, at this point you are finished!<br /><br /><b><i>Voila!!</i></b><br /><br /><br /><br /><b><br /></b><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red;">DUVET COVER</span></b></div><b><br /></b><b><br /></b><b>Instructions:</b><br /><b><br /></b>1. &nbsp; &nbsp;<b>Attach Velcro. &nbsp;</b>Spread the finished weighted blanket out with the side with the Velcro tabs facing up. Loosely lay the matching 1 1/2" strips of Velcro (the rough/ "sticky" side) on top of the stitched on Velcro tabs.<br /><br />Drape one side of the duvet cover material on the blanket (right side up), and position it so the blanket is where you wish it placed inside the duvet (centered, toward the left side, near the top...). Be sure to leave at least 1 1/2" of the duvet fabric around the edges for seam allowance. Pin the rough side of the Velcro strips to the duvet fabric. Stitch the Velcro in place on the duvet cover material.<br /><br />On the "bottom" short edge of the duvet fabrics, fold over and press 1/2" toward the wrong side of the fabric. Do this for both pieces of duvet cover fabric. <br /><br />Lay the fabric wrong side up and center each side of the long strip of Velcro (3/4 of the width of the cover) on the folded "bottom" edge of the duvet fabric. The edge of the Velcro should be about 1/4" below the folded edge of the fabric. Stitch around the Velcro. Do this for both pieces of duvet cover fabric.<br /><b><br /></b><b><i>TIP: &nbsp;If you choose a fabric with an obvious top and bottom (like flowers growing upward!) then make sure you leave your opening at the “bottom” of your fabric. &nbsp;You want the Velcro at the bottom of your bed, not near your face!</i></b><br /><br /><b>2. &nbsp; &nbsp;</b><b>Stitch the Outside Seam.&nbsp; </b>Place duvet cover fabrics right sides together. Stitch the two pieces of fabric together with a 1/2" seam allowance along the edge of the two long sides and one short side (the "top" edge), leaving the "bottom edge" open, just like you did at the start of weighted blanket.<br /><br /><br /><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"></div><br /><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;">3. &nbsp; <b>Turn the cover right side out</b>&nbsp;(you can trim the corners first), and lightly press the edges (unless you're using a fabric that can't be ironed, like vinyl!).&nbsp;</div></div><br />4. &nbsp; <b>Finishing the "bottom edge" of the duvet cover. </b>Press the long Velcro pieces together. Along the "bottom edge," from each corner to where the Velcro is attached, top stitch the two duvet cover fabrics together along the folds.<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="color: red;">Open the Velcro strip, place the weighted blanket inside the duvet cover, match up the Velcro tabs and press them together. &nbsp;Seal the Velcro strip along the opening. &nbsp;That's it!</span></blockquote></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-17859904594635834702016-11-06T18:07:00.000-06:002017-08-31T10:11:38.664-05:00Structure and Caring SupportGuest Blog Post by Traci B, a fellow Trauma Mama<br /><br />One thing my son said to me a while back,<br /><b><i><br /></i></b><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i>"It's easier for me to be bad than it is to be good.&nbsp;</i></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i>I've always been that way and it's hard for me to change."&nbsp;</i></b></div><br />This hit home for me. He really had no idea how to be anything different. His brain was wired to "be bad." We did not use those words. He did.<br /><br /><b>This hit home for me. I had to change his thinking and the way his brain was wired!&nbsp;</b><br /><br />This is about my adopted son and what we did to help him:<br /><br />A little background - we got custody at 11 years 10 months straight from the psyche ward at a local hospital. He knew nothing!!! Walked out in front of a car in the parking lot. Never even looked! The behaviors were through the roof! Getting his some of his behavior under control and making him feel <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">safe</a> were our priority.<br /><br />As I have written before, <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_1498.html" target="_blank">Nancy Thomas</a>' book When Love is Not Enough helped with this and other stuff. Then we began working on <b>changing his brain</b>! This post is about that -<br /><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank"><b>Concrete Thinking</b></a><br />To him everything to him was black and white. He could not think of other ways to do things. To him there was only one way!<br /><br />&nbsp;If I allowed him to do something one time then he used that other times by saying "But you said or you did" and then whatever it was. It was like just because I got him a drink one time he thinks I knew what he wanted and should just get it for him. Or I let him eat doughnuts one morning so he should have them every morning. I let him watch TV one day when it had been taken away because he was exceptionally good so he thought I should do this every time he lost something. The list goes on!<br /><br />My son has never earned privileges or rewards. He self sabotages at every turn. He feels he does not deserve them. So rewards were in the moment only. I swear my son's brain/thinking was the total opposite of what you would think.<br /><br /><b>Changing His Brain</b><br />I started teaching my son to change his brain. Gave him toys he had to figure out or build (using his brain) and I'd help minimally.<br /><br />He'd ask a question that I knew he knew the answer too, so I would not answer it but make him. If he chose not too then the discussion ended.<br /><br />At times, I made him come up with at least two acceptable answers, even if they weren't ones I wanted or the correct answer, but would work.<br /><br />I limited any electronics. Matter of fact, my son was not allowed any video games, cell phone, iPad, iPod etc up until two years ago and then it's very limited. The only electronic he was allowed was music and TV but also limited.<br /><br />He would walk around bored so we made a list together of things he could do (<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/08/108-alternatives-to-boredom.html" target="_blank">108 Alternatives to Being Bored</a> and <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/09/trapped-in-house.html" target="_blank">Trapped in the House</a>) and when he was bored he had to choose one.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></i></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: red;">To answer the question should you give him things he wants without asking. NO!</span></i></b>&nbsp;</div><br /><b><br /></b><b>He has to ask</b><span style="font-size: large;">&nbsp;</span><br />He was so manipulative and getting me to do stuff for him and using <i>my</i> brain.<br /><br />So, we had him ask for everything for a while - to go to the bathroom, snack, what clothes to wear, to go outside, to watch TV and the list goes on.<br /><br />If he did not ask then I'd turn the TV off until he did.<br />Make him come inside until he asked.<br />Put his clothes in my room so he had to ask.<br />Snacks locked in my room, and so on.<br />One day, I even locked the bathroom door until he asked although I made him use it first thing in the morning, afternoon and at night. He seldom was went more than twice a day so three was good!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Sounds mean, but he had to learn to ask.&nbsp;</i></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>He had to learn that others will take care of him.&nbsp;</b></div><br />I got his breakfast, made his lunch, dinner etc. He could ask for what he wanted for breakfast and lunch at times but mostly I chose for him. I had to take total control from him for a while.<br /><br />Now doing this, I thought he would melt down left and right, and he did some at first, but then he <b>seemed to be glad that he did not have to make any decisions</b>.<br /><br />Slowly, we added choices in - let him choose between two things for breakfast and so on. Let him get a drink of water whenever he wanted (had to ask for other stuff partly because he'ed drink it all), and use the bathroom.<br /><br />Now at 17 1/2, he has his clothes in his room and picks his own out. He makes dinner sometimes. Basically, he has learned to use his brain a lot more and has a lot more freedoms.<br /><br />We have lots of discussions, especially now, about behaviors that come up, his refusing, wanting to be independent and demanding (actually this is control issue which is increasing the closer to 18 he gets).<br /><br /><b>Taking Away Control</b><br />He had to be in control of everything, so we took control away to teach him he would still be safe, get fed, have clothing etc.<br /><br />One major thing we did was not tell him where we were going (therapist appointments, ice cream, dinner, family's homes, no where!). He'd ask and we'd just say, "You'll see." And answer no other questions about it.<br /><br />Again, we thought he'd rage/tantrum, but he did not. It even lowered his anxiety. Everything seemed to work the opposite of what you would think it does.<br /><br /><b>Opposite Parenting</b><br />So we learned to think <b><i>{highly structured parenting}</i></b>. Our first thought, we seldom did, but instead went with the opposite for the most part.<br /><br />It's like you have to teach them how to use other parts of their brain because they only use the animalistic part (the reaction of Flight, Fight or Freeze**).<br /><br />So, those are some of the things we did and it worked for my son. I hope this helps. &nbsp;~ <i>Traci B.</i><br /><br /><br /><b><i>** Fight/ Flight/ Freeze</i></b><br /><b><i>Fight/ Flight/ Freeze - A child who is dysregulated and/or in fight/ flight/ freeze mode is “thinking” with the reptilian part of the brain (survival!). Their behavior is a purely instinctual response to what the brain believes is a life or death situation!&nbsp;The rational part of the brain just isn't online. Their eyes frequently glaze over, they are out of control, and it is like the child isn't "home." Afterwards they do not remember what happened just before or during an episode. Holding a child responsible for what happens when in a true fight/ flight/ freeze is pointless- it’s better to just move on after it's over and try to figure out what triggered it so you can avoid it in the future.</i></b><br /><b><i><br /></i></b><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chapter-3.html" target="_blank"><br /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chapter-3.html" target="_blank">STRUCTURE, SUPPORT, ROUTINE and BOUNDARIES</a></b></div><b><br /></b><b>Structures and Support -</b><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: red;">Children NEED structure and caring support to feel</span> <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: medium;">safe </span></a><span style="color: red;">and start to heal. &nbsp; This feeling of safety is usually not based in reality – it is a<i> perceived </i>feeling of safety.</span></span></b></blockquote><br /><b>Hypervigilance/ Living in a Warzone</b><br />Kids of trauma are often easily triggered, extremely sensitive to emotions, unable to regulate their emotions... causing them to react as if they are in a warzone. &nbsp;You can't learn and attach if you don't feel safe and you're living in a war zone! &nbsp;Hypervigilance (obsessively monitoring their environment) is super common among kids with PTSD. &nbsp;It relaxes when they start to feel safe, but probably doesn’t ever really go away.<br /><br /><b>Consistency -&nbsp;</b><br />We learned the hard way that when we didn't stick to our guns, even once, then the child seemed to work even harder to get what they wanted again.<br />Ex. Let's say you don't allow dogs on the couch (<b><i>Yes, I know our children are not dogs. I was looking for an example that people might have already seen or experienced</i></b>). You have a new dog that loves to curl up on the couch and sneaks up there all the time. 97% of the time you drag him off and tell him, "No!", BUT every now and then, you're just too tired to mess with it and you let it go. You have now guaranteed that dog will always jump on the couch in the hopes that <i>this time</i> it will get to stay.<br /><br />When our daughter came to live with us, she knew that if she argued, fought, cried for long enough then the adults in her life would give in. I felt like the crappiest mom in the world saying, "No" to this poor little kid who'd had such a hard life, but we HAD to break the cycle or we would all be miserable.<br /><br />When we back down - let our kids argue, intimidate and manipulate us into changing our minds, we are sending a mixed message to our child. That message is that we cannot keep our child safe.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red;">If the child feels that they are in control instead of us then their world is not<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">&nbsp;SAFE</a>.</span></b></div><br />I say "safe" a lot. That's because I believe it's one of the most important motivators our children have. They do not trust and they do not feel safe. An insecure, scared child behaves in increasingly bizarre and scary ways to get control of their world. When they have control, instead of the adults, then they get more afraid and things cycle even farther out of control.<br /><br /><b><i>Caring</i> Structure</b><br />It took me a long time to believe it, but my children actually <i><b>craved</b></i> caring structure. Their favorite teacher at school was a behavior staff person who always called them on their behavior - if they were acting like a turd, she said so, bluntly, BUT, unlike the teachers who let them do whatever they wanted, or were super strict, but didn't actually care. Even though their favorite teachers were super strict, the kids knew that they legitimately cared about them.<br /><br />When I began providing Caring Structure, I thought for sure they would rebel and make our lives miserable. They didn't always like it, but it seemed like their few complaints were based on what their peers thought about it, rather than something they were truly feeling. Unlike my neurotypical, biochildren who understandably would have protested the strict structure their adopted siblings required, most of the time, my adopted children just accepted it and moved on.<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Without this structure or when we "lightened up," my son would act out until he had to be returned to the stricter structure level. Somewhere deep down, subconsciously, his brain knew he <b><i>needed</i></b> that structure to feel <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Safe</a>.&nbsp;</span></blockquote><br /><b>Low Tolerance/ Overwhelm</b><br />It is sometimes necessary to simplify a child’s life a LOT to lessen the feeling of “overwhelm.” &nbsp;This can be like childproofing – avoiding and removing things and events that can be triggers. &nbsp;This can be making their world smaller and lowering expectations. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">Level Chart post.</a><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7bUrQ0XNYjk/WDYYzW6VnDI/AAAAAAAAFcE/opt3kmyligkraIj4AJRM4sB-D-bvffQsgCLcB/s1600/Chore%2Bchart%2Blevels.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7bUrQ0XNYjk/WDYYzW6VnDI/AAAAAAAAFcE/opt3kmyligkraIj4AJRM4sB-D-bvffQsgCLcB/s320/Chore%2Bchart%2Blevels.jpg" width="248" /></a></div><br /><ul><li><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-review-school.html" target="_blank"><b>School</b></a> - reducing or eliminating homework, getting the child in smaller class sizes, limiting or removing after school activities...</li><li><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Age Appropriate Expectations</a> </b>- Expectations are reduced to the child's <i>emotional </i>age. Kitty may be 16, but when dysregulated, emotionally she'd drop to about 6yo. Her daily chores became super basic.<br />We had a long discussion with Kitty about being emotionally 6 (still ticks her off to hear that), and that it wasn't fair to expect her to be able to handle certain things, and we felt it was cruel to dangle higher level privileges she couldn't actually achieve over her head. So therefore, I was going to stop "punishing" her for not being able to do things she wasn't ready for yet.<br /><br />Changing my expectations has helped ME immensely (<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank">Finding the Joy</a>). &nbsp;I'm less frustrated by her inability to do things that would be "normal" for a teen. &nbsp;I do have to constantly remind myself "She's only 6! &nbsp;She's only 6! &nbsp;She's only 6!"</li><li><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank"><b>Chores</b></a> -&nbsp;</li><li><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><ul style="line-height: 1.4; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;"><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">She has fewer chores and they are very simple and concrete. &nbsp;</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">She does the same chores every day instead of rotating like the other kids. &nbsp;</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">She gets to go places even if she'd had a fit recently, because I don't hold her accountable for her behavior like I would a teen. &nbsp;</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">If I go places like the grocery store I take her with me. &nbsp;Period. &nbsp;The other kids frequently have the option to go, but you don't leave a 6 year old at home alone.</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">She can have "playdates," but they are well supervised. &nbsp;</li></ul></div></li><li><b>Room and Environment.</b> At the therapist's suggestions, we stripped the child’s room to only a bed, one or two stuffed animals, a book, and not much else. In times of extreme stress, we moved our child's dresser to our room. The child had to bring dirty clothes to “check out” clean ones. &nbsp;This helped with hygiene issues, and lessened the amount of overwhelm. It made cleaning the room easier for the child to do him/herself (if they were able to do it alone at all).<br /><br />Some posts on techniques for stripping/ decluttering the room:<br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/03/decluttering.html" target="_blank">Decluttering</a><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/adult-boarder-vs-family-girl.html" target="_blank">Adult Boarder vs "Family Girl"</a><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/adult-boarder-vs-family-girl-maid.html" target="_blank">Maid Service</a></li></ul><br /><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-fair.html" target="_blank">FAIR Club</a></b> -&nbsp;This is the discipline method we used at our house for many years (until we realized that our children with trauma issues were usually too emotionally young for it - <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" target="_blank">Age Appropriate Expectations</a>). &nbsp;The premise of the FAIR Club is that life is not fair, nor do we want it to be. <br /><br />The FAIR Club is designed to provide boundaries and additional support while the child practices and gains (or regains) the ability to be RRHAFTBALL. &nbsp;This involves removing a lot of the distractions and drains of life (like electronics, phone, friends, even where to sit) and adds ways of dealing with stress (earlier bedtime, spending time with parents who can role model, only going places as a family). <br /><br /><b>Supervision</b><br /><br />We stopped telling our children that we were putting them in the FAIR Club, because we discovered that they needed the structure and support of the FAIR Club 24/7. I do feel that the FAIR Club helped us and Bear work up to the stricter supervision that he obviously needed. He wouldn't have tolerated this level of structure and supervision when he first got here. By giving him the supervision when he got in trouble we were able to slowly introduce the stricter levels of supervision, and then not lighten up as much when he got out. <br /><br />I know this sounds really awful and controlling, but Bear really did feel safer knowing we cared enough to pay attention to him. I believe Bear acted out when he felt unsafe just to increase our level of supervision. <b><i>{Now that he is an adult, he is in prison - one of the few ways to get the level of supervision he needs (jail/ prison is the biggest mental health facility in the country). Another option was the military, but Bear wasn't eligible due to his mental illnesses.}</i></b><br /><br /><ul><li><b>Line of sight</b> - Generally Bear was on line of sight supervision at all times unless he was in his room alone. This was a huge deal, and made Hubby and I feel like wardens, but he NEEDED it. We tried to make it feel more like we were spending quality time with him than that we didn't trust him.</li><li><b>Bedroom door and window alarms</b> - while we did have window alarms (that prevented Bear from sneaking out of the house), I felt like we should have had a door alarm too (still not sure why it bothered Hubby so much). <br /><br />Bear often left his room in middle of the night - usually to steal food or some other item. I know many parents that had to worry about the safety of family members, and installed door locks on bedroom doors. Not to lock children in! But so they could lock their own doors and feel safe from their sibling.</li><li><b>Never alone</b> - Bear was NEVER left without the supervision of an adult who was aware of his needs and issues. Since he was too old for childcare, this often meant hiring after school care providers or Grandma, having him in structured volunteer or extracurricular programs, us going to the mall and movies with him... we tried to give him at least the illusion of having his space (ex. when at the movies, we sat several rows away where he felt we couldn't easily see him), and we gave him as much privacy as we could.</li><li><b>Room and belongings searches</b> - Bear frequently stole things and hoarded food and other items. Usually when searching his room, I gave it a good cleaning and removed all contraband and health hazards. While I usually did this randomly when he wasn't at home, Bear was aware that we did this for his safety, and rarely protested - even when I found contraband and gave him consequences.&nbsp;</li><li><b>School</b> - My kids required a LOT of structure at school. We often had to battle the school to get this for them (even filed due process once). Both Kitty and Bear ended up in a special program/ school for emotionally disturbed students. The staff were all trained in special education and behavior management. Most had worked in residential treatment facilities. The student to teach ratio ranged up to 8 to 1 at the most. Even when on his home campus, Bear received extra supervision - at one point even being escorted any time he left the classroom.</li></ul><br /><br /><b>Rules, Routines, and Boundaries</b><br /><b><br /></b><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red;">Rules are like fences. Kids need them to feel safe.&nbsp;</span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></b></div>Children need rules, routines, and boundaries –Boundaries are like fences, they keep children safe.<br /><br />Think of children as researchers. Some children are very aggressive researchers; they will continuously test the rules over time to see if they are still firm and clear. <br /><br />Rules make children feel safe. <br /><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;">Only when a child feels safe can they trust enough to feel loved.</span></b><br /><br />&nbsp;<b>“No”</b><br />&nbsp;There is nothing wrong with saying, “<b><i>No.</i></b>” &nbsp;Provide lots of structure from the beginning. &nbsp;Set up the child’s environment so that he/she doesn't hear a lot of "No"s. &nbsp;There just shouldn't be an option of doing things that need a “no.” &nbsp;Think of it like <b>childproofing</b>.<br /><br />&nbsp;<b>Rules should be simple and few. &nbsp;</b><br />Make sure rules and consequences are very clear and consistent. &nbsp;Go over rules with the children often! &nbsp;It only takes 2 minutes to tell the children (or have them tell you!) the rules, and the consequences if they are not followed.<br /><br /><b>Positive and Concise!</b> <br /><div style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="color: red;">Try to keep the rule to no more words than the age of the child and phrased positively.</span></b>&nbsp;</div>(3 words for a 3 yr old, 4 words for a 4yr old...)<br /><br />Instead of saying "<i>No running!</i>" <br />For a 3 yr old you would say, "<i>Use Walking Feet.</i>" <br /><br />Instead of, "<i>Shut UP! &nbsp;Why are you always screaming?! &nbsp;You're making Mommy crazy! &nbsp;Why can't you just play quietly for 5 minutes?!....</i>" &nbsp;Keep it short and simple, and quietly state "Inside Voices." <br /><br />Instead of "Quit standing on the furniture!" &nbsp;Try, "Chairs are for bottoms (not feet)."<br /><br /><b>“DON’T”&nbsp;</b><br />When you tell a child “Don’t” you just<b><i> increased</i></b> his chances of doing what you’ve just asked them not to do <u>tenfold</u>. <br /><div style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="color: red;">Instead of telling a child what <i>not</i> to do, we need to tell them what <i>to</i> do. </span>&nbsp;</b></div><br /><b>Create a positive picture.</b> <br />The more enthusiastic and happy you are the more likely they are to listen! &nbsp;Really!<br /><b><i>{I know most days this may sound impossible, but this post,<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank"> Finding the Joy</a>, helped me find the strength.}</i></b><br /><br /><b>Praise</b><br />Like most kids with trauma issues, praise was a huge trigger for my kids. Often, they felt they "didn't deserve it" and/or were afraid they'd be expected to live up to it all the time.(<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" target="_blank">Why Do They Act Like That?</a>), &nbsp;Feeling triggered would usually set them up for a <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">meltdown</a>.<br /><br />A fellow trauma mama suggested finding a unique thing about this particular child that sets the child apart AND can also be praised. Using "labels" that identified this child, and this child alone. Even if these labels were often a result of their trauma/ attachment issues. This gives the child something to feel proud of without the direct praise that could trigger a negative reaction.<br />Ex. The "Family Finder" The fact that the child could find anything because she was hypervigilant wasn't the point. This child really could find almost anything someone was looking for. If a sibling couldn't find something, the mom would shout out, "Well the FAMILY FINDER can find anything!"<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Especially when delivering consequences, make sure your message is clear and direct. &nbsp;</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Be firm and FOLLOW THROUGH!&nbsp;</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">&nbsp;Stay calm and pleasant. &nbsp;</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><b>Fresh starts</b><br />Fresh starts should be soon – a whole week is ineffective. &nbsp;“I’m sorry you forgot the rule. &nbsp;Tomorrow (after nap time, after dinner…) we will try again.” <br /><br /><b>Choices</b><br />Never give a child a choice you don’t want them to make. &nbsp;Give them one or two options (both of which are acceptable to you). &nbsp;If you ask a child if they want to get in the car or continue to lie on the floor and throw a fit, guess what they’re going to pick?!<br /><br /><b>&nbsp;“Okay?”</b><br />By ending a statement with “Okay?”, you are asking their permission and sending them an unclear message. Drop Okay? from your vocabulary, okay?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Things to remember</b></div><div style="text-align: center;">Eye contact</div><div style="text-align: center;">Be Specific</div><div style="text-align: center;">Simple rules</div><div style="text-align: center;">Follow through</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Setting Boundaries for Teens</b><br />I highly recommend a book called <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/02/books-and-methods-review-stop-walking.html" target="_blank">Stop Walking on Eggshells</a>!<br /><br />I LOVE it for setting boundaries with my attachment challenged teens and young adults (and it helped with the crazy early teen years with my neurotypical bio kids too). It made my <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/06/five-stars-my-top-10-things-i-couldnt.html" target="_blank">Top 10 Things I Couldn't Do This Without</a> list.<br /><br />Technically it is for people living with someone with<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-review-borderline.html" target="_blank"> Borderline Personality Disorder</a> (which is an "adult" disorder), but there are a LOT of similarities (Some people say that when a child turns 18, and technically "ages out" of being RAD, then it often becomes BPD. Kitty was diagnosed with "BPD Traits" before 18).<br /><br />The first half of the book gives insight into WHY they act the way they do, which helped me with understanding what they needed and why, so I could better decide what to do about it. The second half of the book is actual PRACTICAL ADVICE! Which I found to be really on target.<br /><br /><br />It's a quick and easy read... except that it's hard to process. Everything hit home so closely, that I found myself reading it in small chunks. (I kept it in my car to read during the kids' doctor appointments, while waiting in line, anytime I had a minute alone. The second time I read it, I put it in my bathroom, and read it when using the potty, getting ready in the morning, and taking a bath.) I'm re-reading it now actually.<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><i><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/02/books-and-methods-review-stop-walking.html" target="_blank">Stop Walking on Eggshells</a></i> - This book also helped me understand why self-care was so important, and made me feel less guilty about prioritizing it.</span></b></blockquote><b><br /></b><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank">Self-Care</a>&nbsp;</b><br />Providing this level of structure is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. So I can't say enough how important it is. I <i>had</i> to fill my bucket, because kids with attachment disorders are incredibly draining. Especially since others usually thinks you're "overly strict, overbearing, controlling...." I worked really hard at not needing validation, but it took a long time, and I still struggle often.<br /><br /><b>More posts about Therapeutic Parenting:</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parenting, Behavior Management and Discipline</a></b></div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px;">Chap. 1&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-1.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-size: 12px; text-decoration: none;">Parenting based on Developmental/Emotional Age</a></span><br /><div class="clear-line" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px;"></div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px;">Chap. 2&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-2.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-size: 12px; text-decoration: none;">Discipline vs. Behavior Problems</a></span><br /><div class="clear-line" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px;"></div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px;">Chap. 3&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chapter-3.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-size: 12px; text-decoration: none;">Structure, Support, Routines, and Boundaries</a></span><br /><div class="clear-line" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px;"></div><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px;">Chap. 4&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-4.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-size: 12px; text-decoration: none;">Nurturing</a></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px;">Chap. 5&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-5.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-size: 12px; text-decoration: none;">Discipline and Guidance</a><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre;"> </span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px;">&nbsp;Chap. 6&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-6-abuse.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-size: 12px; text-decoration: none;">Abuse</a><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre;"> '</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 12px;">&nbsp;Chap. 7&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-mgmt-chap-7-misc.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-size: 12px; text-decoration: none;">Misc.</a></span><br /><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/06/books-and-methods-review-methods-tbri.html" target="_blank">TBRI</a></b>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-36713981109168929752016-11-03T13:36:00.002-05:002017-03-23T10:15:58.520-05:00Trauma Bond - Adopting siblings<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O_6B0YVHGhc/WBuE1OVk9sI/AAAAAAAAFZY/COlcKoHX-p4WrWGL3MTxRusPIzyZemlGgCLcB/s1600/siblings.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O_6B0YVHGhc/WBuE1OVk9sI/AAAAAAAAFZY/COlcKoHX-p4WrWGL3MTxRusPIzyZemlGgCLcB/s320/siblings.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(Not my kids)</td></tr></tbody></table>Excerpt from an excellent article about the Trauma Bond by an attachment expert (and trauma mama), <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/02/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic.html" target="_blank">Christine Moers</a> - <a href="http://www.blogher.com/trauma-bonds-you-gotta-keep-em-separated" target="_blank">Raising Kids With Trauma Bonds</a><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><i>Well, it means that one child can have an emotionally strong day and really be rocking along quite nicely. Then their sibling starts to crash. The sounds, the familiarity, the flashbacks ... it can cause them both to tank. They play off each other. It can be a very, very toxic combination. And if they are BOTH already having a bad day - yowza.</i></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><i>I have watched it in my home, and it still saddens and fascinates me. The trauma bond between my adopted children Mar and Rocky was so intense that it hindered Rocky's healing for a very long time. Mar took the big sister role, even though he is three years older. He was terrified to stand on his own and move forward without her. She was all he had ever had, and he wasn't sure he wanted to shift the perceived power and control onto himself. He wasn't sure he could trust us. He didn't trust his sister, but she was all he knew.</i></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><i>Then, when he did start to make those emotional moves away from her - YIKES. She was not too happy. That was yet another time of extreme regression. It was u.g.l.y.</i></blockquote><br />&nbsp;<b>Conditions which may indicate that siblings should be placed separately </b>(Lord and Borthwick - <i>'Together or Apart'</i> 2001)<br /><div><ul><li>intense rivalry and jealousy, with each child totally preoccupied with, and unable to tolerate the attention their sibling(s) may be getting;</li><li>exploitation, often based on gender, e.g. boys may have been seen and see themselves as inherently superior to their sisters, with a right to dominate and exploit them;</li><li>chronic scapegoating of one child;</li><li>maintaining unhelpful alliances in a sibling group and family of origin. Sibling patterns of behavior may be strongly entrenched and may prevent re-parenting or learning new cultural norms;&nbsp;</li><li>&nbsp;maintaining unhelpful hierarchical positions e.g. the child may be stuck in the role of victim or bully;&nbsp;</li><li>highly sexualised behavior with each other;</li><li>acting as triggers to each others traumatic material potentially re-traumatizing each other. The triggers may well be unconscious, unintentional, and mundane.</li></ul><div><br /></div></div><div><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b>Factors in the birth family which can negatively influence the relationship between siblings (</b>Kosonon, 1994)<b>:&nbsp;</b></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><ul><li>poor attachments to parents which can result in intense sibling confict;</li></ul><ul><li>neglect and parental absence resulting in strong compensatory sibling relationships, often where an older sibling provides some parenting of a young child. Such bonds can become abusive.</li></ul></blockquote></div><br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><i>Children who have suffered very poor attachments need to develop a secure attachment to a safe adult or adults. That sometimes requires the separation of siblings, because if placed together, they may inhibit the formation of healthy adult attachments. -&nbsp;</i></b>Burnell, Vaughan and Williams (2007)</blockquote><b><i><br /></i></b><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><i style="font-weight: bold;">"Children need to bond to a loving adult in order to ever be able to deal with issues of trust, authority or real intimacy. A bond with an unhealthy sibling often stands in the way of the parent-child bond. It can be used as a crutch – I don’t need you, I’ve got my brother in much the same way gang members rely on each other for a sense of belonging and security. It’s effective for the youth, but isn’t healthy or good for society." - </i>Becky Malecki</blockquote>&nbsp;Our Most Important Lessons (<a href="http://www.attachment.org/the-potential-downside-of-adopting-siblings/" target="_blank">The Potential Downside of Adopting Siblings</a>&nbsp;by Becky Malecki):<br /><br /><ol><li>Rivalry between RAD children is not like normal sibling rivalry. It can take a dimension of intensity that mirrors their past abuse and involves a fierce degree of competitiveness that shadows all else. These are children who cannot be left alone while you’re in the bathroom for they might harm each other, injure a pet or destroy something of value.</li><li>&nbsp;Sibling groups carry a collective memory of their past trauma. Through their ongoing interactions with each other they help to keep the ugly past alive. They trigger memories for each other.&nbsp;</li><li>Unconsciously, their emotional issues, their mannerisms, even their very physical looks can be triggers of negative feelings of rejection.</li><li>These children love to sabotage each other and the parents, as they believe there is never enough love.</li></ol><br /><b><i>We certainly saw this with Kitty and Bear. Continued contact with birth family, caused them to have feelings of conflicted loyalty and triggering and reopening emotional wounds - preventing them from healing. Bear not only felt these conflicts himself, but made sure Kitty (who desperately felt the need to keep him placated to feel safe) knew that she was expected to feel the same way. He also was unwilling to give up his role as Kitty's protector/ parent. A role that Birthmom had encouraged in her "Little Man."&nbsp;</i></b><br /><br /><br /><b>Placating the Powerful Child</b><br />If one child is younger, was designated the scapegoat by a caregiver, or perceived weaker, that child will often try to please and placate the more powerful child, especially if that more powerful child is an abuser too.<br /><br /><b>Why Would a Child Bond to an Abuser?</b><br />"If a person is unable to escape chronic, traumatic abuse, they will eventually begin to bond with their perpetrator(s). This has been well documented in the literature. It will occur because of the dehumanization of the victim, who may reach a state of feeling that they are “robotized” or nonfeeling, combined with a disruption in the capacity for intimacy caused by the trauma."<br /><br />"Many victims of severe and unrelenting trauma, whether domestic violence, incest, or ritual abuse, will find that they feel anxious when alone, and fear abandonment and isolation. The over-dependent characteristics are NOT a personality fault, but a result of the chronic abuse. This is often rooted in the fact that as a child, the trauma survivor was not only a CAPTIVE to their abuse, but they depended upon their perpetrator for food, shelter, or other necessities. In addition, with ritual abuse, a small child will often be abandoned for periods of time, to increase their dependency upon the very people who are abusing them. "<br /><br />“Trauma impels people both to withdraw from close relationships and to seeks them desperately. The profound disruption in basic trust, the common feelings of shame, guilt, and inferiority, and the need to avoid reminders of the trauma that might be found in social life, all foster withdrawal from close relationships. But the terror of the traumatic event intensifies the need for protective attachments. The traumatized person therefore frequently alternates between isolation and anxious clinging to others..." - excerpt from excellent book <a href="https://smile.amazon.com/Trauma-Recovery-Aftermath-Violence-Political/dp/0465087302/ref=smi_se_mit_rcol_smi_2628204422?_encoding=UTF8&amp;*Version*=1&amp;*entries*=0&amp;pldnCmp=rcol&amp;pldnCrt=my-impact" target="_blank">Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror &nbsp;(1997) </a>by Judith Lewis Herman, MD<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">"... the perpetrator WILL rescue {the victim} and stop the abuse, or take the child out of the confines of their pain, but for a price: their unrelenting loyalty and obedience. "<br />"This will be reinforced by the perceived power of the perpetrator {over the victim}." &nbsp;<a href="http://fromtheinsideout.tripod.com/articles/mc/trauma-bonding.htm" target="_blank">Trauma Bonding : The Pull to the Perpetrator</a> By Svali</blockquote><br /><a href="http://www.slideshare.net/martinnarey/adoption-selection-of-evidence-on-sibling-and-the-need-sometimes-to-separate-them-in-their-interests-15729683" target="_blank">Selection of Evidence on Adopting Siblings and the Need Sometimes to Separate Brothers and Sisters in their Interests.</a>&nbsp;- Slideshow<br /><br /><span style="font-size: large;"><b>So What Do We Do About It?</b></span><br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><i>Rocky and Mar could not say anything in a kind voice to one another. It was rare and usually superficial. Yet they craved being together. They were feeding off the trauma. We had to carefully determine who sat where at meals around the table. They could not be right next to one another or across from one another. They were not allowed to play together. It was just too much. We had to keep them separated so they could practice interacting with people in an emotionally healthy way. Then, when that was much more routine, we started to widen the boundaries so they could practice being together. </i></b>-&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/02/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic.html" target="_blank">Christine Moers</a>&nbsp;-&nbsp;<a href="http://www.blogher.com/trauma-bonds-you-gotta-keep-em-separated" target="_blank">Raising Kids With Trauma Bonds</a></blockquote><br /><b>Living with RAD</b> - (<a href="http://reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com/2011/02/siblings-and-that-trauma-bond.html" target="_blank">Siblings and that Trauma Bond</a>) Here are some of the things we have tried. Keep in mind we change things up often because nothing works forever.<br /><br /><ol><li><b>They cannot be in the same room if an adult is not present. </b>So if Taz walks in and Teddy is the only one there, he is to turn and walk out. Does it always happen? NO. They seek each other out intentionally when they want to fight with someone. &nbsp;And why do they want to fight? Because sadness, fear, frustration, fatigue all turn into anger. It has happened for years. We work on it daily.</li><li><b>They are not to speak negatively of the other person to me. </b>"If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all" is a phrase used often.<br />Have them think of two things they like about the other person every time they say a negative. They really don't like that one and often it nips the negative comments because they don't want to say anything nice about the other.</li><li><b>Keep activities that involve both kids short and really fun.</b> A going for a "nature walk" and going out for a treat are two of the best activities we have done with our sons. When you are walking everyone is heading in the same direction (sort of) they can stop and explore around the lake. Sometimes we take the camera and look for things that would make neat photos.It burns off energy. If there are any problems I just say I have to be in the middle! When we go out for a treat, they are never sitting across from each other (kicking under table) or next to each other (elbows fly). These activities can be fun.</li><li><b>Refuse to get caught up in the drama.</b> Just say "This has nothing to do with me. I hope you two can work it out". &nbsp;That takes a lot of the fun out of it for them as they really want mom to step in and escalate things. De-escalation is an art form but it is not that tough if you just stay calm, use a calm voice and remember if it is not important just refuse to get involved.</li></ol><br /><div><b>What WE Did:</b><br /><div>*<b>ABSOLUTELY no touching. &nbsp;</b>None. &nbsp;Ever. The aggressive child (usually Bear) especially, literally had to be out of arm reach of the other kids at all times. They weren't allowed to sit next to each other on the couch or in the car. &nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>*<b>Line of Sight Supervision. </b>If I had to be in another room then that child came with me or was in his/her room alone. They were NEVER allowed to be alone in the same room. You didn't come out of your room unless Mom said so. You weren't to go in each other's rooms either (this was to prevent abuse, but also to prevent theft).</div><div><br /></div><div>* <b>Separate rooms.</b> Originally the girls shared a room. &nbsp;BIG mistake! We converted the playroom to a bedroom to separate them. &nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>*<b>ABSOLUTELY no "parenting."&nbsp;</b>&nbsp;The adopted kids (especially Bear) felt they had a right to boss the other kids around (The biokids were good kids they just took it. Kitty was terrified of Bear, so she did whatever he said). &nbsp;EVERY time we heard anything that sounded like parenting, we reminded everyone that WE were the parents and that was not their job. &nbsp;We NEVER put the kids in a position where they got to tell the other kids what to do. &nbsp;Not even relaying a message ("Mom said to come downstairs and do the dishes.") At most, they were allowed to say, "Mom is calling you."&nbsp;</div></div><div><br /></div><div>*<b>You don't do what a sibling says - especially if you know it is wrong.</b> The child telling them what to do got in trouble, but so did the one who blamed it on the other child telling them to do it. "He's not your boss. Who is allowed to tell you what to do? (correct answer is "Mom," "Dad," "Grandma, " or an approved adult)."</div><div><br /></div><div>*<b>"Walk Away" None of your business. </b>When a child was <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">dysregulated/ having a meltdown</a>, the other children were expected to stay out of it! Talking or interacting with the child or the parent dealing with the child was strongly discouraged. Bear especially liked to trigger Kitty when I was trying to keep her from escalating.&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>*<b>FAIR does not mean Equal. </b>We used the <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-methods-fair.html" target="_blank">FAIR Club </a>for discipline. This meant each child was treated differently. Sometimes the kids, especially Bear and Kitty, would try to bait or trigger the other child into getting into trouble (while staying out of it themselves if at all possible). The advantage of not having a set "punishment" or consequence, was I could mitigate/ even out the consequences. <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/08/fair-club-writing-assignments.html" target="_blank">Watching an Inappropriate Movie</a></div><div><br /></div><div>*<b>Tattling was not OK </b>- The child was told to ask themselves, "Am I telling mom this to help my sibling, or get him/her in trouble?" (Not that I didn't listen to them first. I needed to know what was going on!).&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>*<b>Prioritize the child's mental health</b> - Bear was often asked by therapists to try to make "amends" and/ or "restitution" to his sister (like the 12 step program). It meant nothing to him, and was a HUGE trigger for her so we didn't allow it.&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>*<b>Supervise and limit biofamily conversations</b>. Yep. I listened in (although usually just to my child's side of the conversation). My kids had 3 younger sisters that lived with Biomom. I wanted to maintain some attachment (although my kids weren't truly attached to any of their siblings), so I allowed it. The rules were: the siblings had to be visiting Biograndma (Biomom couldn't be present) and Biograndma was not supposed to discuss Biomom or the family's living arrangements (especially not Biomom's abusive relationships).</div><div><br /></div><div>*<b>It's OK to tell Mom/ Dad anything</b>, even that you hate your sibling. As long as you don't say it to that sibling or anyone else (not even best friends who might share the information). In fact, we encouraged it, to make sure no abuse was occurring and to help the kids process their feelings.&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>*<b>Therapy! </b>Family therapy with siblings involved was way too triggering for our kids (although we tried several times), but we did a LOT of discussion in therapy. It didn't really effect Bear (although he did get defensive because he thought he was in trouble a few times), but Kitty has rarely been able to discuss Bear or her feelings regarding him. Once or twice, she was able to admit that she hated him (she blamed him for getting them kicked out of their homes and worried he'd be able to do it again.&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div><b><i>Every time Bear was kicked out of a place - biofamily/ foster home...), within 6 months, Kitty had to move on too. Whenever he began to rage or act up, she immediately became terrified she'd have to leave everyone she'd begun to care about.&nbsp;</i></b></div><div><b><i><br /></i></b></div><div><b><i>Out of self-preservation, Kitty constantly tried to placate Bear and keep him calm and happy (which of course she had no real control over). Bear loved the attention and took full advantage of it. Bear was also one of Kitty's abusers and prone to violent rages, which also made him terrifying to be around.&nbsp;</i></b></div><div><b><i><br /></i></b></div><div><b><i>Kitty did an amazing amount of healing while Bear was in RTC for 6 months. I believe because she felt safe, he wasn't constantly triggering her, and we were able to focus on her needs instead of constantly firefighting Bear's. She also did some healing when we brought him BACK to our home, because it meant that he hadn't managed to get kicked out despite his rages, so she could trust us to allow her to stay too.&nbsp;</i></b></div><div><b><i><br /></i></b></div><div><b><i>We were told that our kids were strongly attached to each other and wanted to be kept together. Considering they both had Reactive Attachment Disorder, (RAD) the former was unlikely. Since our kids hate change and are attracted to the chaos they feel familiar with, the latter was likely, but definitely not in their best interest.&nbsp;</i></b></div><div><b><i><br /></i></b></div><div><b><i>I used to think siblings should be kept together at all costs. Now I know that isn't always the case.&nbsp;</i></b></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-37589633548829449992016-10-13T13:32:00.000-05:002016-10-13T13:32:03.573-05:00Understanding the Attachment Challenged/ Traumatized Child<br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><br /><center><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="264" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/o-IYlkDlkgk" width="470"></iframe></center><center style="text-align: left;">This is a great, simple explanation of why our kids act the way they do, and why it's so important to be a therapeutic parent. https://youtu.be/o-IYlkDlkgk</center><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><center style="text-align: left;">Our children are often missing the basic building blocks that allow a child to be securely attached. It's like a brick wall with a cracked foundation that's missing all of big chunks of bricks. It's very difficult to go back and repair those early bricks.&nbsp;</center><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ueLQE8BMLOA/V__JGeLIdSI/AAAAAAAAFTI/Vm1QlUQwhOIvRCnUxly87qvyUq0Zz5l8ACLcB/s1600/attachment%2Bbrick%2Bwall.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ueLQE8BMLOA/V__JGeLIdSI/AAAAAAAAFTI/Vm1QlUQwhOIvRCnUxly87qvyUq0Zz5l8ACLcB/s320/attachment%2Bbrick%2Bwall.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Secure Attachment - Basic needs met consistently</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6bzFcSxfaN8/V__JDPmMoLI/AAAAAAAAFTE/c_t5OJHYA-sPvbJdzAAc6a5oqVahubAtwCEw/s1600/attachment%2Bbrick%2Bwall%2Bpain%2Balone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6bzFcSxfaN8/V__JDPmMoLI/AAAAAAAAFTE/c_t5OJHYA-sPvbJdzAAc6a5oqVahubAtwCEw/s320/attachment%2Bbrick%2Bwall%2Bpain%2Balone.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Basic needs not met consistently - weak foundation</td></tr></tbody></table><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><center style="text-align: left;">Traumatized children often adapt their behavior to the person sitting in front of them. Claiming to like what the person likes, offering hugs and cuddles - reading the person's body language with the skill of a con man.&nbsp;</center><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><blockquote class="tr_bq"><center style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><b>They are doing this to survive, and to stay "<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">safe!" </a></b></i></span></center></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><center style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">(Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe</a>).&nbsp;</span></center></blockquote><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><center style="text-align: left;">This is not to be deceitful or manipulative and it is NOT to hurt you (the female caregiver), it is a basic survival instinct. They have learned some great survival skills. This behavior is saying, "Don't hurt me. Keep me safe. I'm no threat to you." (You might see the "fake smile." This is also one reason they may speak in a baby voice.)&nbsp;</center><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><center style="text-align: left;">This often means that the person they're "charming" can't believe this empathetic, lovely child would ever do the things you describe them doing at home. They're taken in by the child. Which can be very invalidating for you.&nbsp;</center><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><blockquote class="tr_bq"><center style="text-align: left;"><i>"When your child goes out without a coat on. You can explain to the child a hundred times... there's no point. There's no point in sitting them down and talking to them about their behavior. Those pathways don't exist yet.&nbsp;</i></center></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><i>You've got to make the change first. You've got to be a therapeutic parent.</i><i>"</i> - Sarah Naish&nbsp;</blockquote><center style="text-align: left;"><b>My posts on Therapeutic Parenting:</b></center><center style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/06/five-stars-my-top-10-things-i-couldnt.html" target="_blank">My Top 10 Things I Couldn't Do This Without</a></center><center style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parenting - Behavior Management and Discipline&nbsp;</a></center><center style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/06/books-and-methods-review-methods-tbri.html" target="_blank">TBRI - Trauma Based Relational Intervention</a></center>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-68816905336829134192016-09-29T11:32:00.001-05:002016-09-29T11:32:06.898-05:00Kintsukuroi - More beautiful for having been broken<div class="tr_bq"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G3gJIgR8OVA/V-0w4OWz7BI/AAAAAAAAFOk/PyYwHX8sFnM6UrrOpTKwmnC17UPidM7bACLcB/s1600/kintsukuroi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G3gJIgR8OVA/V-0w4OWz7BI/AAAAAAAAFOk/PyYwHX8sFnM6UrrOpTKwmnC17UPidM7bACLcB/s320/kintsukuroi.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br />Nothing is ever truly broken, that's the philosophy behind the ancient Japanese art of Kintsugi which repairs smashed pottery by using beautiful seams of gold.<br /><br />The result is that the broken pottery is now mended and is in fact even stronger than the original. Instead of trying to hide the flaws and cracks, they are accentuated and celebrated because they now have become the strongest part of the pottery. <br /><div><br /></div>Kintsugi beautifies the breakage and treats it as an important part of the object’s history, and sees the broken pot not as something to discard, but as something even more precious than it was before.<br /><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zhkvbxb3bZk/V-0w4MmKtXI/AAAAAAAAFOo/jQYlZDX1AYYTg1E0Y3G7qQ5bS-Dor3o7wCLcB/s1600/kintsukuroi%2Bhistory.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zhkvbxb3bZk/V-0w4MmKtXI/AAAAAAAAFOo/jQYlZDX1AYYTg1E0Y3G7qQ5bS-Dor3o7wCLcB/s320/kintsukuroi%2Bhistory.jpg" width="320" /></a><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><i>"Life is our own tale of adventures and triumphs. I hope when my daughters encounter the real trials of life, they will look at their Kintsugi pots and won’t be afraid to show their scars and say ‘I have already had a life, but I’m totally up for another, because there really is so much more to me now than there was before.’" - <a href="http://bbc.in/1QfN059" target="_blank">Mercedes Smith</a></i></blockquote><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I think it's very obvious why I've posted this, so I won't say a lot, but I hope we let our children know that yes, we know they're not perfect. None of us are. But they are survivors. They have a history most kids their age have never had to experience, but their scars are beautiful, because they tell the story of that strength.<br /><br /><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GEzrDmQlOsQ/V-06rqSqTlI/AAAAAAAAFO4/Ac0ZoKldNsM9hEB3XDUuEveIQurinB-WgCLcB/s1600/perfect%2Bpeople.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GEzrDmQlOsQ/V-06rqSqTlI/AAAAAAAAFO4/Ac0ZoKldNsM9hEB3XDUuEveIQurinB-WgCLcB/s320/perfect%2Bpeople.jpg" width="320" /></a><br /><br />Our imperfections are what make us interesting and beautiful. Perfect people, even if they existed, would be plastic and boring.<br /><br />Deep down, our children believe that they are unworthy and unlovable, and that if others find out they are not perfect, then they'll leave. Our children desperately try to keep others from seeing that imperfection, usually by keeping them at a distance.<br /><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/10/if-you-find-out-im-not-perfect-youll.html" target="_blank">If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect, You'll Leave</a><br /><br />As parents, we work so hard to help our kids understand that we love them no matter what. I know that sometimes I forget that my children aren't the only one with scars that need, and deserve, healing. Please take care of yourself, and remember that your scars make you beautiful too.<br /><br /><br /><blockquote><i>“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'<br />'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.<br />'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'<br />'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'<br />'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.”<br />― Margery Williams, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_m054tLKvs" target="_blank">The Velveteen Rabbit</a></i></blockquote><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2YvBWQe7dLE/V-06t_c7NeI/AAAAAAAAFO8/gH00kOtEmywrhOGrSe2n2FFpUvYgPJ7FQCLcB/s1600/velveteen%2Brabbit.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2YvBWQe7dLE/V-06t_c7NeI/AAAAAAAAFO8/gH00kOtEmywrhOGrSe2n2FFpUvYgPJ7FQCLcB/s1600/velveteen%2Brabbit.jpg" /></a>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-53633848464801278762016-09-26T22:09:00.002-05:002016-09-26T22:57:55.512-05:002016 Trauma Mama Gift Swap<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6XV64-5gVfs/V-niUblXaiI/AAAAAAAAFNw/gZIjk-86i3AlafMHt3hwc7C6zFqDf7PtgCLcB/s1600/gift.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6XV64-5gVfs/V-niUblXaiI/AAAAAAAAFNw/gZIjk-86i3AlafMHt3hwc7C6zFqDf7PtgCLcB/s1600/gift.jpg" /></a></div><b>Several trauma mamas and I have decided to do a small Trauma Mama gift swap. If you are a trauma mama and interested in participating, please complete your registration form (there's a copy in the comments) and email it to marythemommy at gmail dot com.&nbsp;</b><br /><b><br /></b><b>Please be 100% sure that you are able to participate, remember there is another trauma mama who may be hurt and disappointed if you do not follow through.</b><br /><br />One of my favorite things to do at Christmas time over the last few years is to participate in the Trauma Mama Holiday Gift Swap. Unfortunately over the years, the people sponsoring it found that doing this for large groups quickly became too much for any one person to organize. For one reason or another, many people did not honor their obligations (which I totally understand as we are all trauma mamas and Christmas time is HARD!) so many mamas did not receive gifts. Many others tried to step in and fill the gaps, but a lot of needy mamas were hurt and disappointed.<br /><br />Over the years, I have participated in a small group exchanges, one on one swaps with another mom, and been an "angel" to a trauma mama who could not afford a gift for her child or herself. I'm so glad to be in a place in my life where I can do this.<br /><br />If anyone wants to organize their own gift swap or just exchange with a friend, here's a form I adapted from the From Survival to Serenity 2012 trauma mama holiday gift swap. I found it to be particularly helpful in finding just the right gifts. I hope this will inspire you to start your own group or just a one on one swap with another mom. Moms deserve special gifts under the tree too!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Trauma Mamas Holiday Gift Swap Registration</b></div>Please complete at least the required questions marked with an asterisk. All other "Get to Know You" questions are optional, but please do keep in mind that the more questions you answer, the better the person who gets your name will be able to connect with you. It will also help us in creating matches based on similar situations, geographic areas, interests, etc.<br /><br />**Hint** If you would like to answer the "Getting to Know You" questions, but don't have time to complete the whole form all at once, write out your answers in a word processing program and then cut and paste them into the form boxes when you're ready to send it in. Registration forms are due no later than November 15. All matches will be made on or before November 20. Unless there are special circumstances that need to be considered, packages should be mailed to their recipients no later than December 14. International packages will need to be shipped no later than December 1. We learned from sad experience that if they're shipped any later than that, they don't arrive before Christmas, even when they're coming from or going to Canada.<br /><br /><span style="color: red;">* Required</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><br /></span><span style="color: red;"><b>Contact and Shipping Information</b>*</span><br /><span style="color: red;">Name (first and last):*</span><br /><span style="color: red;">Shipping Address:*</span><br /><span style="color: red;">E-mail:*</span><br /><br /><b>Other Contact Information:</b><br />Examples: Blog, Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Pinterest, etc. You are also welcome to include a phone number or whatever other contact information you wish and/or feel comfortable sharing.<br /><br /><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;">Getting to Know You</span></b><br />These questions aren't required, but the more you share, the more the mama who gets your name will be able to get a feel for who YOU are outside of being a trauma mama. Finding a gift that will be enjoyed by the recipient is a big part of the fun.<br /><br />Not only does this information help her be able to put together a special gift for you, but it will also help us in deciding who you ultimately get matched with.<br /><br />One of the most fun aspects of participating in an event like this is finding others to add to your circles of support and friendship. If matches can be made among people with similar interests or family situations or whatever, they will be. Unless otherwise noted, these answers (along with your contact information) will be shared with the person you are matched with.<br /><br /><b>Briefly describe yourself.&nbsp;</b>Share whatever you want about what makes you you.<br /><br /><ul><li>Your personality</li><li>General age</li><li>Your profession / how do you spend your time</li><li>Any special talents</li></ul><br /><b>Share a bit about your family.</b><br /><br /><ul><li>How many kids you have and their ages</li><li>Bio or adopted? If adopted, how old were they at adoption? Where were they adopted from?</li><li>What special needs do they have?</li><li>What type of activities do you enjoy participating in with your family?</li><li>Are you married, in a relationship, single?</li></ul><br /><b>If you had spare time for hobbies or interests, what would they be?</b><br /><br /><b>What are your top 3 favorite movies?</b><br />...the ones you could watch over and over again and only love them more each time you see them.<br /><br /><b>What are your favorite colors?</b><br />...both for decorating and for wearing?<br /><br /><b>What is your decorating style?</b><br />funky, contemporary, eclectic, shabby-chic, country, traditional, minimalist…<br /><br /><b>Do you collect anything in particular?&nbsp;</b><br />(coins, figurines, butterflies, angels, snowmen, etc)<br /><br /><b>What are some of your favorite things?</b><br />These would be things you love and enjoy having in your life and in your space<br /><br /><b>What type of gifts would you most like?&nbsp;</b><br />things to pamper yourself, accessories, crafts, soft cuddly items, inspirational items, food treats, things you collect…<br /><br /><b>What types of things do you dislike?</b><br />This would be things you smile sweetly at initially, but then they secretly end up in the trash bin later on.<br /><br /><b>Do you have any allergies? Gluten free? Caffeine free? &nbsp;</b>Include food, chemical, metal, etc<br /><br /><b>What are your favorite foods and/or beverages? Do you drink alcohol?</b><br /><br /><b>Do you have any dietary restrictions and/or preferences?</b><br /><br /><b>What are your 3 most favorite restaurants?</b><br /><br /><b>What stores do you like to shop at when looking for a little something special for yourself?</b><br /><br /><b>Is there anything else you'd like to share? </b>ie: a particular religious affiliation, perhaps you celebrate a holiday other than Christmas, any unique life circumstances or situations, etc.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Commitments</b></div><span style="color: red;"><b>I am 100% committed to participating in this event.</b>&nbsp;*(Yes/ No)</span><br />100% commitment means that I acknowledge and understand there is a very real mama with very real feelings on the other end of this swap. She's also a trauma mama who's been in or is still in the trenches just like I am. She's very likely put much of herself into preparing something special for another mama. I want her to receive something special this holiday season to remind her that she is loved, that the work she's doing is worth it, and that she's not alone. It would be very sad for her to be looking forward to receiving something special from a potential new friend, but not have it arrive. I will make sure that doesn't happen!<br /><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>What if I need to back out?&nbsp;</b><b>*</b>(Yes/ No)</span><br />If circumstances arise and I'm unable to keep my participation commitment, I will notify one of the organizers as quickly as possible so another match can be found for my assigned mama.<br /><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>Shipping Confirmation&nbsp;</b>*(Yes/ No)</span><br />I promise to ship my package using a method that can be tracked, even if I have to pay a little bit extra in order to make that happen. I want to make sure my mama actually gets my package once I've sent it.<br /><br /><b>I can help with this event by...</b><br />If you have the time, sanity, and desire to help make sure this event continues to be a fun and fulfilling experience for everyone, please let us know.<br /><br /><b>I can help with event coordination and logistics if needed.</b><br />Should the need arise, I can help with the coordination efforts and logistics of this event. I am willing to help out by working with the other event coordinators, sending emails to other participants as needed, or doing whatever else is needed to make sure the logistics of this event are manageable.<br />• &nbsp;Yes/No<br /><br /><b>I am willing and able to ship my package internationally if needed</b><br />• &nbsp; Yes/No<br /><br /><b>I am willing and able to be an "Angel Mama" if needed.</b><br />Should the need arise, I can help out by putting together a second package for a second mama. Feel free to contact me if you need some help in this area.<br />• &nbsp;Yes/No<br /><br /><b>If you have a question or want a copy of the form emailed to you, please feel free to leave a comment on this post (Comments are moderated. I will not publish any comments with personal information like emails or at the request of the commenter).</b><br /><b><br /></b><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red;">There's a form in the comment section.&nbsp;</span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red;">To participate you must email this completed form to marythemommy at gmail dot com. Be sure to add this email to your safe senders list so you will receive updates.</span></b></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-4612959507652624082016-09-23T10:56:00.002-05:002017-05-18T23:51:16.270-05:00Jesus Gifts- focusing on relationships I never do New Year's Resolutions, but for many years on Christmas Eve we have celebrated Jesus' birthday and given him presents we call <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/12/jesus-gift-hope.html">Jesus' Gifts</a> - These are spiritual gifts (kind of like New Year's Resolutions) that we know He would want for us (like spending more time with our family, going to church more, having a better attitude...).<br /><br /><b>2008</b> - Our first year of Jesus' gifts.<br />To Jesus,<br /><u>Mary:</u> I will respect myself -- by taking care of my body, my time, by getting sleep, being active and eating well.<br /><br /><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/12/new-traditions.html">2009</a> -</b>&nbsp;Dear Jesus,<br />This year:<br /><u>Mary:</u> I will try to be better about spending time with the things that really matter. Hubby and my family are my first priority.<br /><br /><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/12/year-in-review.html">2010</a></b> - Dear Jesus,<br />Happy Birthday!<br /><u>Mary:</u> I will try to be present and meet my family's needs while taking care of myself.<br /><br /><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/01/new-years-eve-and-resolutions.html">2011</a></b> - Dear Jesus,<br />Happy birthday from the "TheMom" family! &nbsp;Our gifts to you:<br /><u>Mary:</u> Be present and consistent for my family.<br /><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/12/jesus-gift-hope.html">2012</a>&nbsp;- Happy birthday, dear Jesus,<br />Here are our gifts to you!<br /><u>Mary:</u> I'm resolving to go to bed earlier and support my family cheerfully and tolerantly.<br /><i><b><a href="http://adoptivefamilyno2.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-word-for-2012.html">Word for the Year</a></b>:</i> PRESENT<br /><br />2013 - Happy Birthday!<br />Dear Jesus,<br /><u>Mary:</u> &nbsp;I will try to take better care of myself and those around me.<br /><b><i>Word for the Year: </i></b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/a-year-in-review-2008-vs-2012.html">POSITIVE</a><br /><br /><b>2014</b> - Happy Birthday Jesus!<br /><u>Mary:</u> To be more present in daily life. Avoid procrastination.<br /><b><i>Word for the Year:</i></b> PRESENT<br /><br />{2017 --I was going through my drafts folder for this blog, and discovered that I'd never published this post! Since my Jesus gift for 2014 (when this post was written!)<br /><br />I'm seeing a trend here! <br /><br />This year I want to focus more on my marriage. I'm currently reading a book called <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001">Getting the Love you Want</a>.&nbsp;The first part of the book is about how our childhood effects our choices in significant others. The premise is that we subconsciously choose significant others that are like our parents - with the unconscious idea that we can work through our issues with our parents. During the "romantic love" phase we don't see and/ or we ignore all problems. &nbsp;Once the couple feels committed and therefore safe, they usually are no longer on their "best behavior" and start seeing and showing their flaws.<br /><br />Most people think if they can just find their "soul mate" then they've got it made. When the "honeymoon" is over and they suddenly realize that their significant other is like their parent in some way (distant, controlling, aggressive, &nbsp;critical, easily excited...), plus he/she doesn't cater to their needs and has tons of baggage.. that's when they shut down, start picking fights, and/ or escape. Then they start all over with the next person.<br /><br />In the second part, he describes what a more fulfilling relationship might look like, the "Conscious Marriage". He describes how to begin with commitment, stop destructive exit patterns, creating a zone of safety, understanding yourself and your partner, how to begin real self growth and containing rage. He closes by providing two examples of marriages that have been transformed by applying these techniques. The exercises and approaches described by Dr. Hendrix are hard. His most meaningful techniques are not quick tricks but require a lot of introspection and self awareness. As he mentions in his book, many couples may require external assistance (we did). However, his techniques provides lasting changes in the way that you interact with your partner.<br /><br />The final part of the book is a series of exercises that help drive how the major points in each chapter of the preceding two sections. Relevant and helpful, their main point appears to be to draw the reader into applying the theories presented in the book to their own situation. In this respect, they are helpful.<br /><br />Which is really interesting and I plan to post about it in a future post.marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-63624996373144056112016-09-13T11:23:00.002-05:002016-09-13T11:24:22.442-05:00Surviving the teen years <div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="7231k" data-offset-key="7i957-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="7i957-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="7i957-0-0"> </span><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span data-offset-key="7i957-0-0"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0yWvj-z9Efg/V9glXc3RGqI/AAAAAAAAFL8/uroLpyLs9Y8vtBqMnj2NPr-LmHxC7dMjwCLcB/s1600/teen%2Bpost.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0yWvj-z9Efg/V9glXc3RGqI/AAAAAAAAFL8/uroLpyLs9Y8vtBqMnj2NPr-LmHxC7dMjwCLcB/s1600/teen%2Bpost.png" /></a></span></div><span data-offset-key="7i957-0-0">In my opinion, 14-15 yr are the hardest years to parent our kids. If it helps, it does get better, even if they are not actually capable of attachment. First of all, <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/giving-cpr-faith.html" target="_blank">You Haven't Failed</a>.</span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="7i957-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="7i957-0-0"><br /></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="7231k" data-offset-key="2hi2r-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="2hi2r-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="2hi2r-0-0"><b>What helped me the most during that time: </b></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="2hi2r-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="2hi2r-0-0"><b><br /></b></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="7231k" data-offset-key="4drub-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="4drub-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><ol><li style="color: #1d2129; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Prioritize <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/caring-for-caregiver.html" target="_blank">Self-Care </a></b>- including realizing that my reactions were perfectly normal for someone living in a traumatic, abusive environment. I took medication to help me through this time. I couldn't have made it through without my "tribe" of people who "get it." </li><li><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Reading the book, <a href="https://www.blogger.com/.http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/02/books-and-methods-review-stop-walking.html" target="_blank">Stop Walking on Eggshells</a></b>. It REALLY helped me take a step back, depersonalize their behavior, and set up boundaries with my teens. </span></li><li><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/finding-joy.html" target="_blank">Finding the Joy</a>. </b>Once I was in a better place emotionally (my bucket was closer to full), then finding the joy, became my priority. </span></li><li><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/my-child-is-raging.html" target="_blank">Dealing with Rages</a>.</b> Turning right back around and putting my child back in the hospital when they became abusive, rather than suffering through it. I set boundaries and put a LOT of structure in place. </span></li><li><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Stop Trying to Change Their Perceived Reality</b> - For my kids, getting them to acknowledge or accept reality was pretty much impossible. Especially when it comes to<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/why-do-adopted-kids-go-back-to-birth.html" target="_blank"> biofamily</a>. Trying to make them do so just damaged our relationship. </span></li><li><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Realize That This Was <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Fear Causing the Behavior</a> </b>- It's not actually personal (although it DEFINITELY feels that way). Understanding why they acted that way really helped me a lot. I know for my son, he was already thinking of turning 17 (his friends convinced him he could - and therefore should - leave at 17) and "having" to leave home. So he started pushing us away so it wouldn't hurt so much. I know this doesn't make sense, but a lot of what they do doesn't make sense! </span></span></li><li><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Normal <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/04/developmental-stages.html" target="_blank">Developmental Phase</a></b> - Yes, a little of this really is just "typical teen behavior." Hormones and trying to become more independent, just not always doing a great job of it. Even though Kitty and Bear were emotionally younger - there was a lot of peer pressure from their friends. My neurotypical bio kids (Bob and Ponito), went through this stage too - one more obnoxious about it than other (guess which one!).</span></span></li></ol></div></div>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-52367070919359452752016-08-22T00:08:00.000-05:002017-02-16T13:34:03.380-06:00Psychosomatic - It's All in Their Head<blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;">Psychosomatic disorders are physical symptoms that mask emotional distress. The very nature of the physical presentation of the symptoms hides the distress at its root, so it is natural that those affected will automatically seek a medical disease to explain their suffering. They turn to medical doctors, not to psychiatrists, to provide a diagnosis. -&nbsp;</span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/11635758/Psychosomatic-disorders-When-illness-really-is-all-in-the-mind.html" target="_blank">Psychosomatic disorders: When illness really is all in the mind</a></span></span></blockquote><div><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><b>Somatic/ Physical Issues</b>&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">If Bear's heart hurts (because he's upset or sad), then his heart literally hurts. Doctors have been telling us for years that my children some of the highest scores they have ever seen for psychosomatic illness. My kids were constantly complaining about boo-boos and, as far as I could tell, non-existent aches and pains. I'm totally fine with putting a band-aid on an unblemished piece of skin, but unfortunately for me, my kids' pains tended toward the, "I need an appointment to see a doctor the pain is so bad" variety. ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME!!!&nbsp;</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">Both would pop Tylenol for minor aches and pains all day if I let them.</span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;">Kitty gets sick a lot. &nbsp;Alleged vomiting (always at night without witnesses), nausea, headaches, sleepiness, twisted ankles, dizziness. &nbsp;It's pretty much impossible to know when it's real and when it's psychosomatic. &nbsp;I try to be sympathetic, but it's hard when she has so many psychosomatic/ stress-related issues or those caused by her unwillingness to treat her constipation issues. Between her very real physical diagnoses and mental illnesses she misses school a lot. When she's ti</span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;">red of being poked and prodded for some pretty serious health issues, she will begin refusing treatment and denying she even needs them, while at the same time demanding</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;appointments for minor or psychosomatic issues.&nbsp;</span><br /><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span></div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><b>Concrete Pain means Concrete Cause</b></span></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">Imagine you have a stomach ache. You start looking around for causes. Did I eat something that could have been bad? When was the last time I went to the bathroom? Do I know anyone with stomach flu? Could I have stomach cancer? Is an alien creature going to come bursting out of my belly?&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><b><i><span style="color: red;">My kids don't tend to think, "I'm worried about this test so my stomach hurts."</span></i></b></span></blockquote><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;">When my kids have feelings or symptoms they don't understand, they tend to blame something that makes sense to them.&nbsp;</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">If the child is depressed or full of energy (which typically feels like anger to them), then instead of realizing it is a chemical imbalance, a sign that his or her bipolar disorder is turning toward depression or mania, he or she looks around to see what is causing it. Because of their attachment issues, that's usually me.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">If they are feeling anxious, then instead of thinking, hmm... there's a lot of drama with my friends right now, or I have a big test or event coming up that I'm worried about, they tend to think my stomach hurts because I'm sick.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><b>Understanding Abstract Emotions</b></span></span><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;">Kids with trauma issues often missed important things like <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/katharine-leslie-seminar-object.html" target="_blank">cause and effect and object permanence.</a> This is something you learn as an infant. I'm hungry. I cry. Mama feeds me. I need a diaper change. I cry. Someone changes me. I smile at Mama. Mama smiles back. If something happens and their needs are not met, then the child is going to have trouble, because we build on this foundation and the trust and attachment that comes from it. If you're hungry and you cry, but no one comes, then eventually you stop crying and learn to ignore the feelings of hunger.</span></span><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;">As kids get older, they start to recognize more complicated emotions and feelings, pride, frustration, fear, love, trust, anxiety, hunger. They use those early interactions as a base and watch us and learn from us. How does mom handle being mad? If mom yells and throws things, then her kids probably will too.&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;">Kids with trauma issues, usually can't learn from observing a role model. They have to be taught in a concrete way. We</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;need to identify the feelings for them and often teach them the correct response. "You're feeling nervous. I can tell because your hands are clenched and your foot is tapping. You're feeling anxious because you're not sure what's going to happen. Let's breath some deep slow breaths together and talk about what's going to happen."</span><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><b>Shut Down Physical and Emotional Feelings.&nbsp;</b></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">Our kids often have limited access and understanding of their emotions and physical feelings. When Kitty first came to us, she had completely shut down her emotional feelings. A "side effect" of this was that she shut down her physical feelings as well. She had&nbsp;</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">very little awareness of her physical body (hunger/ satiation, constipation, tiredness, tension…). She wasn't ticklish.&nbsp;</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">She literally couldn't feel pain or almost any touch on her arms and legs. She would invite other kids to pinch or kick her to prove it.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">Her attachment therapist and her EMDR therapist worked on both her emotional issues and her somatic issues. It was amazing to me how connected they were. As Kitty began to attach, she had a lot more awareness of her body as well. Before, she could have food literally dripping off her face and be completely oblivious to it. She often didn't realize she needed to use the restroom until it was almost too late (and many times she didn't have enough time to get to the restroom, so it was too late).&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">Kitty still has high psychosomatic issues, but s</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">he now has awareness of things like food on her face and can feel touches on her extremities, including physical pain when her extremities are injured.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><b>It's About Trust</b></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">Kids with trauma issues can't trust others to take care of them when they're really sick. That's not "safe" (this is a perceived feeling of safety). They will complain about little stuff constantly, but generally keep the big stuff to themselves.&nbsp;</span><br /><br /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><b><i><span style="color: red;">I think the hardest part for me is finding the line. You can't run to the doctor every time a child with high psychosomatic issues cries, "Doctor!," but at the same time, if we get into the habit of ignoring it, then you could miss the real stuff.</span></i></b></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><b>The Boy Who Cried Wolf</b></span></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">In and among all the constant complaints of various aches, pains, and boo boos, my kids occasionally threw in something very real. Sometimes it seemed they took great joy in pointing out that they'd "<i>told</i>" me so. *ugh*</span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18.48px;">Since the day they'd come to us, the kids had been complaining of joint pain. They'd complained about a ton of other stuff too, so quite frankly, I ignored it. Until the day, Kitty couldn't close her mouth. On that day, we took her to the doctor and discovered that a side effect of one of the meds they were both on (Geodon) was joint pain. Kitty's extreme jaw pain was caused by this. They gave us another med to counteract this side effect (which really bothered me, and I worked to get them off this med and onto one that didn't require a second med just to handle a side effect of the first). The kids of course used this as yet another example of our untrustworthiness.&nbsp;</span></span></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><b><i>Peeing blood</i></b></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">One evening, just before bed, Bear casually mentioned that he'd been&nbsp;</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;">peeing blood for 3 weeks. WHAT?!!</span></span><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;">I immediately made an appointment for the next morning. The doctor started asking the usual questions. When she asked him how long he'd had symptoms and he replied, "3 weeks," I could see her reaching for her pen to note, "Call CPS for neglect!" I immediately turned to Bear and asked him, "And when did you tell me about it?" Luckily for me, he was honest and said, "last night." No CPS report was filed. (Bear was diagnosed with a probable UTI and had to pee in a jug for 24 hours to see if he had a kidney stone). The item he claimed to have passed turned out to be a bit of plastic, so who knows how much, if any, of his story was true.</span></span><br /><br /><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><b>Faking It - to get out of doing something she doesn't want to do</b></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="line-height: 18.48px;">Sometimes it feels deliberate, because they're suddenly "ill" or injured when they're supposed to be doing something (like cleaning up or chores). I have to remind myself that what I think is a perfectly normal expectation, could be completely overwhelming to this child (even if it's something they've been able to handle in the past when they were more regulated - check out the <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-spoon-theory.html" target="_blank">Spoon Theory </a>for a possible explanation for this).&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span><b><i>Cleaning the Playroom </i></b>- Kitty was laying around watching her sister pretend to clean the playroom. Kitty claimed to be taking a break because she was tired and/or ill.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br />I tried just supervising, but that didn't help. I got frustrated and threatened to throw away all the stuff I had to clean up. A bit of an effect on Bob, Kitty started whining that she was sick.<br /><br />So I started picking up trash and throwing it away. Then I began picking up toys and putting them in the trash pile near Kitty (so she could pull them out if she wanted to). Kitty got overwhelmed and had a meltdown. I explained that I deliberately put the toys near her so she didn't have to get up off her tuckus. She still got upset.&nbsp;</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></div><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><b><i><span style="color: red;">Looking back now, I realize that the task was beyond Kitty's abilities and she was completely overwhelmed. She was dissociating from what was going on, by being "sick." She wasn't "faking it" - she was dealing with it the only way she knew how.</span></i></b></blockquote><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><b>School Nurse</b></span><br /><span style="line-height: 18.48px;">For awhile, we stopped picking up the kids from school unless they had a fever or actual proof that they'd vomited. They'd missed so much school. Then I realized that while she couldn't leave school every time she felt "sick," she still needed help. Just not from the nurse, and usually not from me.&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span><span style="line-height: 18.48px;">She was feeling overwhelmed, stressed and/ or anxious. What she needed was help getting regulated again. We asked the school to train someone (or a couple of someones) in <a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html" target="_blank">calming and relaxation techniques</a>, and to give her a place to take a break. With a break and someone to help her get regulated, she could usually go back to class and learn.</span><br /><span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><b>Psychosomatic/ Emotional Eating</b><br />Kitty was already dysregulated from the playroom cleaning incident, when I realized we were late to Kitty's therapy appointment. At therapy, she spent the whole time complaining she was hungry and had nothing to talk about. The therapist, probably in an effort to see if changing things up would help, offered to continue the session outside. Kitty kept complaining that she was starving and literally ate grass. After therapy and on the way home we talked about how her feelings are related to eating.</div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;" /><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="line-height: 18.48px;">After an hour of complaining that she was starving during therapy, I mentioned to Kitty that she was probably dissociating/ distracting herself from her emotions (she denied this of course). We talked about how she used to take medications that kept her from being hungry, and we kept telling her to go ahead and eat. Now she is probably on a med that is doing the opposite. I asked her to try to be aware of how much she is eating (lately more than a starving teenage boy and craving more!). We talked about how she spent so many years denying her emotions.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="line-height: 18.48px;">Kitty had always blocked her feelings. She didn't listen to her body. She even encouraged people to pinch her arms and kick her shins to show them that she has no feelings there. She "plays" roughly and has no idea how to handle it when it increases beyond her comfort level. She was "play fighting" with a boy and accidentally hit him in the nose - giving him a nose bleed. Everyone agreed it was an accident, but she had no idea how to prevent it from happening again. She tends to interact with others (especially boys) through teasing, but can't handle teasing from others at all.</span></div><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span></span><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="color: red; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><b><i>Sometimes the injuries are real, but the child doesn't want actual treatment. They're getting something they need from having the issue (empathy, attention?)</i></b></span></span></blockquote><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span></span><b>Heat Exhaustion</b><br />Bear tends to wear at least 3 layers of clothing at all times (boxer briefs and a tank top, knee length shorts and a t-shirt - usually a super tight "cool gear" shirt, jeans and a button up. At least 3 pairs of athletic socks and boots 3 sizes too big). Needless to say, during the summer, in Texas, he had many heat strokes. We finally realized there was nothing we could really do about it. So we took him in to the doctor if he was vomiting, but other than encouraging him to drink lots of water, we let it go.<br /><b><br /></b><b>Talk to The Hand</b><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;">One Saturday evening about 7:30 pm, during Kitty's 17th birthday party, months after Bear had moved out of our home, we were out at my sister's house having pizza and cake and watching The Muppets. &nbsp;Bear called to say he'd injured his hand again and wanted me to take him to the ER. &nbsp;When I asked why he'd waited until so late to call me if he'd gotten the injury at 1am, he got defensive and just said at least it wasn't like last time when he'd waited almost a week to tell me.</span></span><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;">This was the second time this week that Bear wanted to go to the hospital, and I have to admit, I questioned whether this injury was any more real. &nbsp;He'd called me earlier in the week wanting me to take him to the doctor for his "injured" back, but after talking to him, it turned out to be that he'd just strained a muscle or something when he was doing handstands in someone's yard. &nbsp;I'd told him to alternate cold and heat... knowing he'd never do it. &nbsp;He tends toward psychosomatic injuries that give him sympathy from others, which means actually caring for the alleged injury himself would defeat the purpose.</span></span><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;">We heard several versions of how Bear injured his hand, but the most common version seems to be that he was at a party (drinking) and was playing "bouncer" (allegedly physically restraining someone who'd been drinking and was going to drive). &nbsp;Somehow he threw a punch and hit some concrete. &nbsp;He fractured his right hand.</span></span><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.48px;">The first time Bear broke his hand, a few weeks before, the ER started to put a splint on it, but Bear was honest and admitted he wouldn't wear it, so they put it in a cast. &nbsp;We later discovered that Bear</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;tahoma&quot; , &quot;helvetica&quot; , &quot;freesans&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;cut off his cast so he could be on the wrestling team (which luckily didn't happen). Now, 3 weeks later, he'd broken his hand again. This time the doctor refused to cast it, because Bear admitted he wouldn't keep it on anyway.&nbsp;</span>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-35735319175929649512016-08-05T02:10:00.001-05:002016-08-05T02:10:28.462-05:00A Year in Review 2008 - 2012 - 2016<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">I did a year in review blog post in&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2008/12/year-in-review.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">2008</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;that had a nice format so I thought I'd do it again (in 2012) and compare it to that year's answers.. &nbsp;I think the comparisons and contrasts are pretty interesting!&nbsp;</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;"><b>Now it's 2016, and I realize the year is not over yet, but I feel like I won't remember to do it in January 2017.</b> &nbsp;</span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- Adopted 2 children. Started a blog.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Had a child move out and go to jail. &nbsp;Looked into legal guardianship for second child. &nbsp;Stopped blogging (although I started again).</span><span style="color: red;"><b>2016 </b>- Had only one child still a teen. Started a job working 60 to 80 hours a week.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">I didn’t really make a New Year’s resolution last year, but if I had it would have been to lose weight and get more exercise. So No, I did not keep my resolution. This year my resolution will be to spend more time with my kids and lose my “baby weight” and get more exercise.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- I don't make resolutions anymore, but I do Jesus' gifts now. &nbsp;This is this year's</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/12/jesus-gift-hope.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">&nbsp;gift</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">. &nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/01/new-years-eve-and-resolutions.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Last year</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">'s gift was to be present and consistent with my family and take better care of myself. &nbsp;I think I've been more present, now I'm working on being more positive. &nbsp;In fact, that's my word for the year: &nbsp;</span><span style="background-color: white; color: orange; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;"><b>POSITIVE</b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016 </b>- I still don't make New Year's Resolutions, but I do see myself as a pretty positive person now. I feel like I've survived the worst of it and am to a point where I can give back.&nbsp;</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">3. Did anyone close to you give birth?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;I had a bouncing 12 year old girl and a bouncing 14 year old boy!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;My 17yo niece had a baby, and the state took custody of him. &nbsp;We thought for a short period of time we might end up with custody. &nbsp;Most of my friends are in the "transition" phase with their children moving into adulthood rather than adding to their family.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016 </b>- Same niece is pregnant again, but hopefully in a better place in her life. I'm still not a grandma yet, and I'm grateful for that. Of course that could just be that Bear was only out of prison 4 months before he went back in. I still worry about Kitty, but she seems to know she's not ready yet.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">4. Did anyone close to you die?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;One of our kitties, Lady Moonlight, passed away.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- Our old Husky, Scarlett Claus, passed away this Summer.</span><span style="color: red;"><b>2016 -</b> My mom died from ALS in 2014 and while I'm healing from that it still effects me, especially when I see people fall down (which happens around me more often than you would think).&nbsp;</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">5. What countries did you visit?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;I didn’t leave the country, but I visited many different states. The states of Chaos, Confusion, and Disorder. I visited Hell, Insanity and Terror and decided I didn’t want to live there.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- I didn't leave the country this year, but I learned a lot about different cultures. &nbsp;Residential treatment, jail and the legal system, and got to know more about the kids' biofamilies who live a very different life than we do.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016 - </b>Didn't leave the country this year either, but Bob did a semester in London (and visited Scotland, Wales, and Italy) and I Skyped her at least once or twice a week, so I almost felt like I was there.</span><br /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;Money, sleep, peace of mind, a stronger faith, calmness and wisdom.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- That pretty much sums it up!</span><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - Money, sleep, more time with Bob (the only kid not mad at me all the time) and Hubby, to figure out what's going on with Ponito and help him.&nbsp;</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br /><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;"><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">January 7, 2008 The day Bear came home from RTC</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">March 25, 2008 Kitty’s adoption day!</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">July 25, 2008 Bear’s adoption day!</li></ul><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br /><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;"><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">February 2, 2012 &nbsp;Bear moved out.</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">March 18, 2012 Visit with Biomom</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">April 20, 2012 &nbsp;Kitty comes home from RTC</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">May 30, 2012 Bear moves to Oklahoma.</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">August 1, 2012 Bear goes to jail.</li></ul><br /><br /><br /><ul><li><span style="color: red;">2/2016 Bear went back to prison</span></li><li><span style="color: red;">6/4/16 Kitty moved in with biofamily again</span></li><li><span style="color: red;">6/5/16 Ponito moved in with my nephew for 6 weeks</span></li><li><span style="color: red;">6/8/16 Started crazy new job working 60+ hours</span></li><li><span style="color: red;">7/16/16 My nephew got married</span></li><li><span style="color: red;">7/18/16 Bob turned 20 and is no longer a teen.&nbsp;</span></li></ul><br /><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2LbiFzvtocg/V6QScoV24tI/AAAAAAAAFA8/ZqiCO7h4imUxDap4wM5rsvaD6mLhJNydgCLcB/s1600/wood%2Bin%2Bside%2Byard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2LbiFzvtocg/V6QScoV24tI/AAAAAAAAFA8/ZqiCO7h4imUxDap4wM5rsvaD6mLhJNydgCLcB/s200/wood%2Bin%2Bside%2Byard.jpg" width="150" /></a><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- I survived an emotionally and financially very tough year with most of my sanity intact!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- I survived an emotionally (and financially) very tough year with the determination to stay focused on the positive. &nbsp;I feel I'm in a much better place emotionally than I've been in years. &nbsp;I've dealt with learning I had an adult attachment disorder, finding out Biomom has been reading my blog for years, having Bear move out and subsequently go to jail, and being Kitty's Dreamkiller. &nbsp;I finally posted the Books and Methods Review on my blog. &nbsp;I've lost 30lbs and my marriage is strong.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016 -</b> I'm in a much better place emotionally now. I've done a lot of work on the house and yard all by myself (we're downsizing a year from now and this 20+ year house needs a lot of work). I survived Extreme Landscaping!</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><br /></span><span style="color: red;">I stripped and cleaned Kitty's room. Cut down a ton of trees. Survived a tree attacking me without breaking anything. Painted the interior of the entire house (which is huge by the way). Fought insurance companies and won (mostly). And stained all the kitchen and bathroom cabinets &nbsp;(tetris style)</span><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PeBL5QPg3bs/V6QSbS7Y1JI/AAAAAAAAFA0/T8Y8b6BsT8oagshZx4mvWNcZm5I5bHHbwCLcB/s1600/H%2Broom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="112" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PeBL5QPg3bs/V6QSbS7Y1JI/AAAAAAAAFA0/T8Y8b6BsT8oagshZx4mvWNcZm5I5bHHbwCLcB/s200/H%2Broom.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UYOo2aOTV7E/V6QSbrUq0cI/AAAAAAAAFA4/FcoAM-drnYcWkBaMbBxexMgZygiQDq76wCLcB/s1600/Staining%2Bcabinets%2Btetris%2Bstyle.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UYOo2aOTV7E/V6QSbrUq0cI/AAAAAAAAFA4/FcoAM-drnYcWkBaMbBxexMgZygiQDq76wCLcB/s200/Staining%2Bcabinets%2Btetris%2Bstyle.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><br /><br /><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">9. What was your biggest failure?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- My weight, and not living up to Hubby’s expectations of me at work.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012 -&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Honestly I can't think of a big failure. I can think of many things that didn't go the way I wanted them to, but I did the best I could and I accomplished a lot.</span><br /><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SfPH-Nx0STg/V6QSbTZBaKI/AAAAAAAAFAw/ujPg0CSPU8gk-be7_5oM-oHlQnDcUam2QCLcB/s1600/banana%2Bbruises.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SfPH-Nx0STg/V6QSbTZBaKI/AAAAAAAAFAw/ujPg0CSPU8gk-be7_5oM-oHlQnDcUam2QCLcB/s200/banana%2Bbruises.jpg" width="150" /></a><span style="color: red;"><b>2016 </b>- I couldn't figure out how to help Ponito and I hate watching him struggle. I wanted to help Kitty accept her limitations and figure out how to be happy instead of avoiding change.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">10. Did you suffer illness or injury?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- This year I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the doctor is worried about my thyroid.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Bear separated his collarbone.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Kitty was tentatively diagnosed with bipolar disorder.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012 -&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">I was diagnosed with an adult attachment disorder and started medication for my high cholesterol. &nbsp;Got my thyroid tested and the potentially cancerous nodes have shrunk and no longer need surgical testing!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Bear broke his hand, twice.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Kitty was diagnosed with emerging Borderline Personality Disorder.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - Did I mention I survived Extreme Landscaping? I am struggling with some issues related to stress and sitting at my computer 15+ hours a day.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">11. What was the best thing you bought?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Until he was let go, I was loving the great deals we were getting from one of the guys at Salvation Army. Bags of clothes for $2-4. It was a life saver.</span><br /><div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px; text-align: center;"></div><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kMd3GsekIo0/V6QWXBshFrI/AAAAAAAAFBI/i7slZDuE0LM4KjF_C6FxaOP5utQLAa83wCLcB/s1600/15_6%2BMary%2Bnew%2B2012%2BPrius.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kMd3GsekIo0/V6QWXBshFrI/AAAAAAAAFBI/i7slZDuE0LM4KjF_C6FxaOP5utQLAa83wCLcB/s200/15_6%2BMary%2Bnew%2B2012%2BPrius.jpg" width="112" /></a><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ejx_dCDs3SY/UONaOFiBakI/AAAAAAAADeM/_uxsjuvOF8E/s1600/boots+red+ribbon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; color: #0b5394; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ejx_dCDs3SY/UONaOFiBakI/AAAAAAAADeM/_uxsjuvOF8E/s1600/boots+red+ribbon.jpg" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.0980392) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px; position: relative;" /></a><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;My boots! &nbsp;I still get at least one compliment EVERY time I wear them.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - My little blue Prius (although technically I guess that was last year). This year I paid for a new laptop with my own money instead of "family funds." I'm especially proud of the fact that I set it up almost all by myself.</span><br /><br /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">12. Whose behavior merited celebration?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;Bear made a HUGE turnaround this year. His time in the RTC and corrected diagnoses and medications have made such an amazing difference. We were afraid we weren’t going to be able to adopt him.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Bear's&nbsp;</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/12/jesus-gift-hope.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Jesus gift</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;still makes me want to cry!</span><br /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="color: red;"><b>2016-</b> Bob's- &nbsp;she's fun to be around, tolerates my hugs most of the time, working hard at 2 jobs, helping Ponito get signed up for college... she's really acting like a well-adjusted grown up (most of the time).&nbsp;</span></span><br /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;I was very disappointed in Bob’s behavior this year. I expected more from her (maybe too much).</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">The employee we let go because she was insane. She shared way too much personal information (the fact that she gave up a child for adoption, her boyfriend's erectile dysfunction…) with everyone (including Hubby) and was verbally abusive to staff. After we “laid her off” she e-mailed and left verbally abusive messages with staff, consultants, and Hubby. She even sent job postings to staff, talked to clients about when they were going to pay us so she would get her commission…</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- I was very disappointed with Bear's behavior. &nbsp;It depressed me for quite awhile that we couldn't help him and prevent this from happening.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">I still struggle with Kitty's Borderline Personality Disorder. &nbsp;It doesn't&nbsp;appall&nbsp;me, in fact I feel very empathetic about it, but it is depressing, because I don't foresee her being capable emotionally or cognitively capable of dealing with it, which means we'll be dealing with her extreme emotional instability for our lifetime.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016 </b>- I'm extremely frustrated with Ponito. He's failing classes, obsessed with his PS4, lying, in denial about his depression and ADD, not motivated to do anything... and I just found out he stopped taking his anti-anxiety meds while he was living with my nephew and lied about it and refuses to go back on them or to start taking the ADD meds he was prescribed..</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">14. Where did most of your money go?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;Into the business.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;Toward the debt from the purchase and loss of the business.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - What money? Hubby lost a lot of income switching from contract work to a full time job. I lost the small amount of income I was making in October 2015 and didn't start working (at a much lower pay rate) - until 6/16. What we do have goes toward helping Bob with her college tuition, mine and Hubby's new (to us) cars (both of ours finally died this year), and repairs to the house.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;Nothing. I’ve been on mood stabilizers most of the year!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- The Texas Trauma Mama Retreat!</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - Still loving my little blue Prius.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">16. What song/album will always remind you of 2008?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;Anyway, by Martina McBride. This is my “motto”</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FdB5Adws78</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- Firework, by Katy Perry&nbsp;http://www.vevo.com/watch/katy-perry/firework/USCA31000112 &nbsp;I know it's not new, but it always makes me want to sing!</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - Overcomer by Mandisa&nbsp;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8VoUYtx0kw It's my theme song.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier/sadder, thinner/heavier, richer/poorer?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;Happier (we were so worried about Bear). Heavier. Poorer financially, but richer spiritually.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;Happier! &nbsp;Thinner by 30lbs. &nbsp;In a better place financially. &nbsp;Also in a better place spiritually, we've found a Sunday School class that feels like they're our "peeps!"</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - Neutral. Losing weight due to my new job, but still stuck about 30lbs over where I want to be. In a better place financially, but not looking forward to having to keep up this horrible pace (93 hours/week a couple of weeks ago). Decided 'faith it till you make it" wasn't working and gave up this year.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">18. What do you wish you’d done more of?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;Spending time with the littles.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Spent more time with Hubby.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016 </b>- Sleep/ self-care</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">19. What do you wish you’d done less of?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Worrying</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Vegging in front of the computer until all hours of the morning.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - Stressing over things I can't change.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">20. How will you be spending Christmas?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;At home. Mom and step-Dad, little sister and her kids will come to our house on Christmas Day.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Spent morning at home with Hubby, Kitty, Bob and Ponito, then we went to my sister's house (and her Hubby and 5 kids! &nbsp;Something new since 2008!) for lunch with her family and my mom and step-dad.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - The usual I think. Not sure if we'll get to see Kitty though.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- Kitty, calming her down.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Various therapists and service providers. &nbsp;If I have to pick one, than the one person I consistently spent any time with was probably Hubby. &nbsp;Sometimes that's the best way we have to talk about stuff without kids around.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b>- Does texting count? Probably Kitty. Helping her cope with her stress.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">22. Did you fall in love in 2008?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- I fall more in love every year with my family.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- I think I love Hubby more now that I've dealt with a lot of my attachment issues</span><br /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - No..</span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">23. How many one night stands in this last year?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- 5-6. (With HUBBY!) Sometimes it feels like Hubby and I are just ships passing in the night.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- 40+ (with Hubby!). &nbsp;My parents take the kids overnight almost every Saturday night and Hubby and I get a date night! &nbsp;Sometimes it seems like the only time we're alone and on the same page.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - None. Now that the kids are older and Mom isn't there to take them overnight, Still have "date night", but weekends don't feel like a needed escape anymore.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">24. What was your favourite TV program?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- So embarrassing, but Rock of Love Charm School. It’s a reality TV show about trashy girls (from different seasons of a show I’ve never seen – something about wanting to date a rock ‘n’ roll star – like the Bachelor, but slutty). Sharon Osborn is the principal of Charm School and she teaches them manners and how to behave. The girl who doesn’t get expelled at the end, wins $100,000. www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/rock_of_love_charm_school/series.jhtml - 146k -</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Project Runway.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - HGTV stuff - Property Brothers, Texas Flip and Move, probably my favorite is Fixer Upper. Watch a lot less TV now, and mostly Netflix and On Demand.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- I try not to hate anyone.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Still not a hater.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016 - </b>Not a hater, but not fond of my boss or Donald Trump.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><br style="background-color: white;" /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">26. What was the best book(s) you read?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- I read so many I couldn’t tell you. Katie McAllister – funny romances. Terry Prachett – punny fantasy/sci fi. Deborah Hage – attachment. Too many!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- I still read a lot. &nbsp;Still love Katie MacAlister, Terry Prachett, Charlaine Harris (funny paranormal romance), <b>Janet Evanovich... on the attachment side, I really enjoyed "</b></span><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_702.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Can This Child Be Saved?</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">" by Foster Cline</span></b><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b>- Still read, but have mostly reread my favorite authors to death. Pretty much funny paranormal romance - on the attachment side, Stop Walking on Egg Shells and keeping up with the FB group I moderate.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">27. What was your greatest musical discovery?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;Weird question. This was the first year where we didn’t listen to anything but Christian Rock. I’ve discovered I REALLY like it.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012 -&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Still prefer to listen to Christian Rock, but did discover Gangnam style. &nbsp;Very weird, not so great.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - Mostly listen to Christian Rock. Love Overcomer and uplifting songs.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">28. What did you want and get?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Kitty and Bear – no more social workers!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- My Christmas boots? &nbsp;To go to the Texas Trauma Mama Retreat. Bear to be safe and not able to hurt anyone. &nbsp;Kitty to be safe at home and school without frequent psych hospitalizations. Actually VALIDATION, - this year people finally seem to be "getting it."</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016 </b>- A job. Now I wish I hadn't. The hours are killing me..</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" />-&nbsp;<br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">29. What did you want and not get?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;All the answers. To be able to “fix” everyone and everything.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- To start my own business and contribute financially. &nbsp;To keep Bear safe and healing. &nbsp;Help Kitty heal her emotional issues and accept her limitations. &nbsp;Still not getting a lot of support in getting the kids what they need (like legal guardianship for Bear)</span><br /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - .A good job I loved. To figure out how to help Ponito and Kitty.Support in getting the house ready to sell.A new loveseat to replace the old broken one that's killing my backside to sit in all day and night.</span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">30. What were your favourite films of this year?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Ratatouille was good. So was August Rush. I even liked Tinker Bell. Meet the Robinsons. I really need to watch something besides the Disney channel!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Avengers, Journey 2, mostly we watch the Avengers- type movies over and over&nbsp;(Captain America,&nbsp;Thor, Iron Man,... X Men, GI Joe - not an Avenger movie but Channing Tatum!)... We got a Blu-Ray player, and Hubby invested in a program that converts ALL our movies (300+) to mp4 files so we're watching a lot of "Classic" movies! &nbsp;I've had a lot of fun introducing my kids to old 80s movies.</span><br />2016 - We now have 800+ movies and can rarely agree on movies. I still like funny movies, preferably ones with music that I know so well I can do something else while I "watch."&nbsp;<br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- I was 38 this April. Honestly I don’t remember what I did (-barely remember what I did yesterday!). Guess I’m getting old! Hubby’s b-day is 3 days after mine and Kitty’s is 9 days after. I was probably too focused on Kitty’s b-day to even notice my own. I’m sure I ate chocolate though!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- I was 42 this year, and I had to look up on my blog what I did for my</span><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/04/no-baby-for-my-birthday.html" style="background-color: white; color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">&nbsp;birthday</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;this year. &nbsp;It was a very laid back birthday. &nbsp;We didn't end up with custody of a baby, Kitty was still in residential treatment, Bear didn't live at home, and Ponito made me my favorite kind of cake (German Chocolate!).</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - 46 and once again, nothing really memorable. Pretty sure I had German chocolate cake with extra coconut in the super thick icing. Gave Poppy a piece at Sunday lunch and ate the rest all by myself.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">32. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;I was going to say more money, but the truth is stronger faith would have made it more satisfying. More money just would have made it easier.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- This was a pretty satisfying year, but I wish I could have contributed financially to the family.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - Have all the kids in a healthy place emotionally.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- Costs less than $3, fits over my boobs and tookus, doesn’t show my rolls of fat, and still looks OK.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- I've enjoyed designing clothes for myself and my daughters, and really hoped to start a sewing business. &nbsp;I enjoy classic, stylish, FLATTERING clothing.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - Bright colors. Currently styles that don't put any constriction on my belly or backside (because of all the sitting). Mostly dresses that are fitted at the top and flare over the hips.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">34. What kept you sane?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- Mood stabilizers and anti-depressants!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- Facebook was my nemesis, but the private support groups there and people who valued my experience and skills made me feel more confident and sane this year.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016 </b>- Keeping busy and feeling productive</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- Santa Claus!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Got a wee bit of a crush on Channing Tatum this year. &nbsp;He plays the sweet, romantic, with cute buns really well! &nbsp;(Except for Magic Mike, HATED that movie). &nbsp;Fancy Hubby more though (and he's got cute buns too!)</span><br />2016 - Channing Tatum is still hot. Like the clean cut loyal and honest (and not scrawny) types. Captain America, Still like the human version of Shrek (Shrek 2) Reminds me of Hubby.<br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">36. What political issue stirred you the most?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- Nebraska’s Safe Haven Law. Hopefully it brought needed attention to the broken foster care system.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;In response to the&nbsp;Connecticut&nbsp;shooting, a fellow blogger wrote this blog post&nbsp;http://anarchistsoccermom.blogspot.com/2012/12/thinking-unthinkable.html about her own son who is only 11, but has shown signs of being a psychopath (including some typical RAD behaviors), one commenter states that he or she has Borderline Personality Disorder and then basically attacks the mom, blaming her for her son's issues. &nbsp;It just really hit home and sent me into a depression for several weeks, because I could hear my children in this person's irrational comments, and it gave me little hope for the future.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - Donald Trump. Can't believe people are actually voting for this bigoted, hate monger.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">37. Who did you miss?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- Me. I used to sing and smile a lot more. That’s my New Year’s resolution -to be the happy person I used to be.&nbsp;" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- Still Me, but I'm seeing the happier me a little more, and now I feel more confident and calm. &nbsp;My Motto is now,&nbsp;</span><span style="background-color: white; color: maroon; font-family: &quot;Palace Script MT&quot;; font-size: 18pt;">"</span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="color: maroon; font-family: Papyrus;">Saying "no" is not being negative.&nbsp; Negative is saying "yes" to things that are destroying you."</span></i><br /><span style="color: red;"><b style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2016</b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;-&nbsp;Ponito. I miss his happy go lucky, loving personality. I hate that he's a withdrawn, depressed, unmotivated, PS4 addict.</span></span><br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;"><span style="color: #1f497d;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">38. Who was the best new person you met?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- My friend Lisa. I think I actually “met” her last year, but she has been one of the most inspirational people in my life.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;- A woman named Shon. &nbsp;She organized the Trauma Mama retreat and is an inspiration to me.</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>2016</b> - I don't meet a lot of new people anymore. I guess my nephew's girlfriend (now wife), she's a bouncy, amazing young person.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- I learned so many!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br /><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;"><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">I learned that Love is NOT enough, but it is still necessary.</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">I learned I’m stronger than I thought I was.</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">I've&nbsp;learned that I can’t control everything.</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">I've&nbsp;learned that there is more to learn!</li></ul><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012 -</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br /><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;"><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">I've learned that being positive is important, because if we focus on the negatives we won't see the positives.</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">I've learned that validation feels great, but if I focus on getting it, I can lose track of what's important.</li><li style="margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">I've learned I can't let others' beliefs dictate my life. &nbsp;For many years I thought of myself as a chameleon, trying to make everyone happy, but just making myself miserable trying to second guess what everyone else wanted and feeling horrible when they said I was doing things wrong. &nbsp;The negative comments from Anonymous go straight to my heart and it takes me days to recover and respond.</li></ul>2016 -<br /><br /><ul><li>I feel more confident now. I no longer need other's validation and appreciation (although it's still much appreciated).&nbsp;</li><li>Criticism still hurts and stresses me out, but I've learned I can handle it.&nbsp;</li><li>I've learned I can be self-sufficient now that I've learned to accept others' help.</li><li>I've learned that I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And by golly people like me.</li><li>I've learned I can survive on 5 hours of sleep daily and working 15+ hours a day for an abusive boss.</li></ul><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2008 -</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">&nbsp;Anyway</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Martina McBride/Brad Warren/Brett Warren</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">You can spend your whole life buildin'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Somethin' from nothin'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">One storm can come and blow it all away</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Build it anyway</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">You can chase a dream</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">That seems so out of reach</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">And you know it might not ever come your way</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Dream it anyway</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">(Chorus)</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">God is great, but sometimes life ain't good</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">But I do it anyway</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">I do it anyway</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">That tomorrow will be better than today</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Believe it anyway</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">You can love someone with all your heart</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">For all the right reasons</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">And in a moment they can choose to walk away</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Love 'em anyway</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">(Repeat Chorus)</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">You can pour your soul out singin'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">A song you believe in</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Sing it anyway</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">Yeah sing it anyway</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">I sing</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">I dream</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">I love anyway</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">2012&nbsp;</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">- &nbsp;http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ltp5QoyuUeE</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Verdana, arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold;">This is Real, This me</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Verdana, arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold;">I'm exactly where I'm suppose&nbsp;</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Verdana, arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold;">to be now</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Verdana, arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold;">let the light shine on me</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Verdana, arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold;">I found who I am</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Verdana, arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold;">There's no way to hold it in</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Verdana, arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold;">No more hiding who I want to be</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Verdana, arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold;">This is me</span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Verdana, arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: red;">2016 -&nbsp;</span></span><br /><span style="color: red;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16.12px;">You're an overcomer</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; line-height: 16.12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16.12px;">Stay in the fight ‘til the final round</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; line-height: 16.12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16.12px;">You're not going under</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; line-height: 16.12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16.12px;">‘</span></span><br /><span style="color: red;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16.12px;">You might be down for a moment</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; line-height: 16.12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16.12px;">Feeling like it's hopeless</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; line-height: 16.12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16.12px;">That's when He reminds You</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; line-height: 16.12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16.12px;">That you're an overcomer</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; line-height: 16.12px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16.12px;">You're an overcomer</span></span>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-84185660333504283502016-06-12T23:50:00.003-05:002016-10-07T11:15:30.170-05:00What is TBRI??<div><b>Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI®)</b>:<br />A systematic approach to complex developmental trauma.<br /><b><i>{Marythemom: For my brief review of Karyn Purvis developer of TBRI, see this&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_8637.html" target="_blank">post</a>.}</i></b><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/7vjVpRffgHQ/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/7vjVpRffgHQ?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div></div><b><i><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;sans-serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i></b><b><i><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , &quot;sans-serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i></b><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><span style="font-family: &quot;arial&quot; , sans-serif; line-height: 18.4px;">Dr. Purvis gives an overview lecture of <a href="http://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/">Trust-Based Relational Intervention®. TBRI®</a> is an attachment-based, trauma-informed intervention that is designed to meet the complex needs of vulnerable children. TBRI® uses Empowering Principles to address physical needs, Connecting Principles for attachment needs, and Correcting Principles to disarm fear-based behaviors. While the intervention is based on years of attachment, sensory processing, and neuroscience research, the heartbeat of TBRI® is <b>connection</b>.</span></blockquote><b>Guest Post By: Trauma Mama - Lori Van Roo</b><br />In October of 2013, my husband and I were at the end of our rope with our oldest child (adopted from foster care). By this time, he had have five mental health hospitalizations and his mental health care team recommended several times placement into a residential treatment center (RTC), which was not covered by traditional Medicaid. In addition, my husband and I had concerns over placement into an RTC, as it did not foster attachment and love in our child’s eyes. His biological mother always pushed him to the side, and favored his younger brother (also adopted by our family) who has type 1 diabetes.<br /><br /><b>TBRI®&nbsp;</b><b>&nbsp;is more of a parenting intervention for the adults</b>. It has helped my husband and I make a 180 degree change in our home. Now we can tell our kids, "No" or give an alternative answer without a meltdown and a 2 year old tantrum out of our 12 yr old.<br /><br />Here is the website on it: <a href="http://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/">http://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/</a><br /><br />What I have learned the most is that we as parents of "children from hard places" need to have choices so that they still feel in control. This was huge because my 12 yr old would want to eat 1/2 a chocolate cake at 8 PM right before bed and I would tell him no and we would have 2 hrs of "<i>I hate you, your not my real mom, I wish you were dead, I wish you didn't adopt me, etc.</i>” I'm sure you get the picture of the tantrum!<br /><br />First read <b>chapter 4 </b>from the book<b>&nbsp;The Connected Child </b>by Karyn Purvis. If you do not have the book and just want the chapter on disarming fear, here it is<br /><br /><a href="http://empoweredtoconnect.org/wp-content/%E2%80%A6/CTC-Chapter-4.pdf">http://empoweredtoconnect.org/wp-content/…/CTC-Chapter-4.pdf</a><br /><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;">The basic premise of&nbsp;</span></b><b><span style="font-size: large;">TBRI®&nbsp;</span></b><b><span style="font-size: large;">&nbsp;is you want to fill up the "yes" bank as much as possible.&nbsp;</span></b><br />So you say yes to everything as much as possible so that when you have to say no, or give a compromise there isn't a power struggle.<br /><br /><b>The other biggest thing is that our kids need to eat every 2 hrs.</b> And have high protein snacks available like hard boiled eggs, cheese, etc. So our normal day is breakfast, 2 hrs later snack, 2 hrs later, lunch, 2 hr later, snack, 2 hrs dinner, 2 hrs snack. Do we follow this to a T every day? No, not at all! Most important is the snack prior to bed. As we all know, most of our kids have food dependency issues. Making sure that they get a snack prior to bed is critical to aid in breaking this dependency. (If you can -- I have a child with type 1 diabetes, so it's hard)<br /><br /><b>The hard part is to find a professional</b> who is:<br /><ol><li>Trained in TBRI&nbsp;</li><li>Who practices doing it.&nbsp;</li></ol>Here is a list off of TCU's website of professionals who have taking the professional's training class and are certified professionals in TBRI. <a href="http://child.tcu.edu/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/2016.02.10-TBRI-Practitioners.pdf">http://child.tcu.edu/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/2016.02.10-TBRI-Practitioners.pdf</a><br /><br />My oldest (15) who has had 9 mental health hospitalizations in 2 yrs, now calls me Mom, says he loves me, helps around the house, walks the dogs, grades are going up, and is down from six medications to two. He hasn't had a mental health hospitalization in a year.<br /><br /><b>YouTube videos from TCU on&nbsp;</b><b>TBRI®&nbsp;</b><b>:</b><br /><br /><ul><li><b>Introduction to&nbsp;<b>TBRI®&nbsp;</b>&nbsp;</b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vjVpRffgHQ">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vjVpRffgHQ</a></li><li><b>TBRI® An Overview: Putting the Pieces Together</b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T43zJDgTNPA">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T43zJDgTNPA</a></li></ul><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><i>Opinions within this post are not those of Texas Christian University, but those of fellow Trauma Momma, Lori Van Roo. If you have any questions please feel to contact her via <a href="https://www.facebook.com/lvanroo" target="_blank">Facebook</a>.</i></b></blockquote><b><i><br /></i></b><b><i>{Marythemom: For my brief review of Karyn Purvis developer of&nbsp;</i></b><b>TBRI®</b><b><i>, see this&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_8637.html" target="_blank">post</a>.}</i></b>marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3852422397272068136.post-78004028170635555142016-06-06T13:36:00.000-05:002016-06-12T16:21:23.348-05:00If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect You'll Leave <blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><span style="font-size: large;">"If you find out I'm not perfect, you'll leave."&nbsp;</span></b></blockquote><br />Our kids feel deep down that they are unworthy and unlovable.<br /><br />When Kitty trusted me enough to admit this fear out loud, I think she was finally ready to start healing. I feel the best thing I did was reassure her that I already knew she wasn't "perfect" and I still loved her. That I wasn't going to leave because she didn't/ couldn't behave and sometimes took joy in causing chaos.<br /><br />I believe that was what both my kids with RAD were the most scared of - that they were unlovable and unworthy of love. That if people found out what they were "really like, " then they would leave him/ her. At the same time, they needed control of the situation so they would push us away, feeling it was inevitable that we were going to leave so they wanted to be the one leaving.&nbsp;<b><i>{I think this is also one reason why they try to&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/why-do-adopted-kids-go-back-to-birth.html" target="_blank">go back to birth family</a>&nbsp;and at the same time the reason why it terrifies them - they need to prove/ disprove that the people who rejected them were right (or wrong)}</i></b><br /><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b><b><span style="font-size: large;">Why Do They DO That?! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</span></b><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">FEAR!</span></b></div><b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b><b>ATTACHMENT IS SCARY</b><br /><b><br /></b>The following is the list of common beliefs of children with attachment disorders (<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_3813.html" target="_blank">Katharine Leslie</a>,&nbsp;When a Stranger Calls You Mom). I have to say Bear definitely believes most if not all of these. Kitty believes a lot of them.<br /><br /><ul><li>Those who love me will hurt me.</li><li>It is safer to get my needs for closeness met by strangers or those who are not important to me. (Can you say, "<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/11/kleenex-girls.html" target="_blank">Kleenex girls</a>"?! I knew you could.)</li><li>I have to look out for myself, cause nobody else will.</li><li>I have to hurt others before they hurt me.</li><li>I lose myself (I will die) if I become who you want me to be (like you).</li><li>I might as well lie, no one believes me anyway.</li><li>I'm forced to lie when people ask me questions.</li><li>People should stay out of my business.</li><li>If I want something than I should have it.</li><li>If I see something I want I should take it.</li><li>People make me mad.</li><li>When I'm mad I don't care who gets hurt.</li><li>People deserve what they get.</li><li>If I don't get what I want you are to blame.</li></ul><blockquote class="tr_bq"><br /><b>The Frozen Lake Story</b><br />"In order to understand what an unattached child feels like, one must understand his perspective. Imagine that you are the young child who must cross a frozen lake in the autumn to reach your home. As you are walking across the lake alone, you fall suddenly and unexpectedly through the ice. Shocked and cold in the dark, you can't even cry for help. You struggle for your very life, you struggle to the surface. Locating the jagged opening, you drag yourself through the air and crawl back into the woods from where you started. You decide to live there and never, never to return onto the ice. As weeks go by you see others on the ice skating and crossing the ice. If you go onto it, you will die."</blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq">"Your family across the pond hears the sad news that the temperature will drop to sub-zero this night. So a brave and caring family member (that is you, the parent!) searches and finds you to bring you home to love and warmth. The family member attempts to help you cross the ice by supporting and encouraging, pulling and prodding. You, believing you will die, fight for your life by kicking, screaming, punching and yelling (even obscenities) to get the other person away from you. Every effort is spent in attempting to disengage from this family member. The family member fights for your life, knowing you must have the love and warmth of home for your very survival. They take the blows you dish out and continue to pull you across the ice to home, knowing it's your only chance."</blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq">"The ice represents the strength of the bond and your ability to trust. It was damaged by the break in your connection to someone you trusted. Some children have numerous bonding breaks throughout their young lives. This is like crashing them into the ice water each time they are moved, scarring and chilling their hearts against ever loving and bonding again." By&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/books-and-methods-review-therapeutic_1498.html" target="_blank">Nancy L. Thomas</a></blockquote><b><br /></b><b>THEY DON'T FEEL SAFE&nbsp;</b><br /><b><br /></b>For more about Safety and why it's essential to a child's survival - &nbsp;see this post&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">Safety First</a>. Children NEED structure and caring support to feel safe and start to heal. &nbsp; This feeling of safety is not about physical safety and often not based in reality – it is a perceived feeling of safety.<br /><br />Just like our kids keep using old defense mechanisms that are no longer needed, our kids with scary, traumatic early childhoods often get stuck in the feeling that they are not safe.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">This is a life or death feeling!&nbsp;</span></div><br />A child who feels unsafe is a scared child. A scared child will&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">act out</a>&nbsp;(or&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/11/disagree.html" target="_blank">act in</a>) to try to feel safe again.<br /><br /><br />Feeling unsafe is not rational. You can't explain to the child that they're safe now. Logic doesn't work. Feelings of being unsafe can pop up at the most unexpected times, like a&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/02/ptsd-in-older-child-adoption.html" target="_blank">PTSD&nbsp;</a>flashback. Generally this feeling of being unsafe will fade as our child heals, but there will probably always be times when it comes up again.<br /><b><br /></b><b>THEY'RE STUCK</b><br /><br />My kids tend to behave only because they fear the consequences of being caught (if they understand consequences at all) rather than doing something because it's the right thing.&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/lying.html" target="_blank">Lying and Stealing</a>. This is not because they're bad, or manipulative, or hate me, it is because they are&nbsp;<b>stuck</b>&nbsp;at the bottom of&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/05/multiple-choice-and-maslows-hierarchy.html" target="_blank">&nbsp;<b>Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs</b></a>. Their fear keeps them feeling like they're in a war zone &nbsp;- focused only on&nbsp;<b><i>survival</i></b>.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sE07ku3CpYE/V1WYCRkvTLI/AAAAAAAAEp0/fy5Y2cO4N78wrMzUkhmizfpBLqzJxJqwgCLcB/s1600/maslows-hierarchy.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sE07ku3CpYE/V1WYCRkvTLI/AAAAAAAAEp0/fy5Y2cO4N78wrMzUkhmizfpBLqzJxJqwgCLcB/s1600/maslows-hierarchy.png" /></a></div><br />Maslow’s five levels of hierarchy are:<br />1.)&nbsp;<b>Physiological or biological needs.</b>&nbsp;These are the survival needs — air, water, food, sleep and procreation. These requirements are the basic needs of human existence.<br />2.)&nbsp;<b>Security or safety needs.</b>&nbsp;These needs include health, financial security, shelter and the assurance of living in a place where one does not feel threatened.<br />3.)&nbsp;<b>Social needs.</b>&nbsp;Maslow felt that once physiological and security needs were met, people start looking for love, friendship and community. Families, religious groups and social organizations fulfill the need to belong.<br />4.)&nbsp;<b>Esteem needs.</b>&nbsp;Malsow noted two types of esteem needs — self-esteem and esteem from others.<br />5.)&nbsp;<b>Self-actualization needs.</b>&nbsp;This is search for becoming his or her "best self." Unlike the lower levels of the hierarchy, this need is never completely met as there are continuous new occasions for growth. Maslow stated only about 2% of the world population is in the self-actualization state.<br /><br />These first four levels of hierarchy are referred to as "<b>Deficit needs</b>," sometimes called D-needs. The theory is that if a person doesn’t have enough of something in these four levels, he or she would feel the deficit — or need. If one does have enough, it is often times not noticed. Maslow has also termed these first four categories as&nbsp;<b>survival needs</b>, as humans instinctively attempt to cover all of these. If one of these needs was not properly met when a person was a child, that person may fixate on the particular need throughout the rest of his or her life.<br /><br />With D- needs, once fulfilled you don’t often notice them. The B-needs however, become stronger as they are realized. These are the apex of Maslow’s hierarchy and are called the "<b>Being Needs</b>" or B-needs. When the first four D-needs are met, then a person begins to search for becoming his or her best self.<br /><br /><br /><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;">Why they&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/05/why-does-my-child-act-differently-away.html" target="_blank">Act Differently When They're Away From Home</a></span></b><br /><br />My kids have what I call "Charming RAD" officially known as&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/05/books-and-methods-review-trauma-and.html" target="_blank">Disinhibited RAD</a>. That means they would&nbsp;<b><i>literally rather die</i></b>&nbsp;than let others see that they are not perfect --- because it feels like&nbsp;<span style="color: red; font-size: large;">life or death</span>&nbsp;to them. People pleasing is one of the strongest defense mechanisms they have. Most have an uncanny knack for knowing what they need to do to make people like them and want to take care of them - even if they have a total lack of empathy and almost no social skills.<br /><br />With parents, this usually starts as a honeymoon period. Once they start to trust us, we start seeing more of their imperfections. It sucks, but it means they trust us more than they do other people in their life (<b><i>most of the time I wish they didn't trust me that much!</i></b>).<br /><br />At school, in public, or at a friend's house, they appear to hold it all together, convincing you that they have control over the behaviors so they should be able to do it at home too! Unfortunately that's not the way it works. Imagine if you have to give an important presentation at work, but you have the flu. You get up, give your presentation, and then go home and collapse. Our kids run out of emotional reserves.&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-spoon-theory.html" target="_blank">Spoon Theory</a>. They're living in a life and death war zone in public, and can only hold it together for so long,<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq"><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/05/why-does-my-child-act-differently-away.html" target="_blank">Why kids act differently in RTC (or psych hospitals, school or anywhere else):</a></b></blockquote><blockquote class="tr_bq"><ol><li><b>YOU are not there</b>. You are the symbol of all mom caregivers, and you dare to try to “inflict” your love on him. In an RTC, our children don’t have to deal with the stress of family and emotions, which may reduce enough of their stress to a point where they can handle it better.</li><li><b>Too “Broken” to Function in a Family.&nbsp;</b>Some kids do better in RTC. They NEED an environment without emotions and long-term consequences, and need people to keep them, and those around them, safe because they are not capable of doing it for themselves.</li><li><b>Trust.&nbsp;</b>The child trusts you enough to “let his/her hair down.” They really do believe that you love them enough to put up with their behaviors.&nbsp;<b><i>Which is true, but sometimes I wish mine didn’t trust me that much!&nbsp;</i></b>My daughter “holds it together” all day by cramming everything inside and ignoring it – then she gets home and lets it all out on us. Those feelings have to go somewhere, but they can also hold it for a long time when they know it’s life or death (which it usually feels like it is).</li><li><b>Honeymooning/ Shut Down/ Dissociation.&nbsp;</b>RTC/ schools, etc. are scary places. My daughter will lie, shut down, dissociate, escape by sleeping, “talk the talk” (years of therapy and being in hospitals can teach a child all the right buzz words)… anything to get through this and get out. With the right meds and enough motivation, they can hold it in for months – up to a year depending on whether or not they see that it’s working.</li><li><b>Structure and Support 24/7. &nbsp;</b>Making decisions and choices is hard for our kids. They NEED structure and support. Concrete expectations make them feel&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">safe</a>. In an RTC, there are very few gray areas for the child to have to figure out. They have fewer decisions to make (bedtime, where to sit, what to do next...).&nbsp;My daughter feels “safer” when someone who knows her issues is monitoring her 24/7 -- so well supervised that she doesn’t have to stress about making bad choices. She can’t suicide, self-harm, use drugs or tobacco (<b><i>supposedly! – my son found a way to sneak chewing tobacco</i></b>).&nbsp;My son deliberately acts out at public school until he gets sent back to the special school, because he needs and craves the structure and support provided by the special school.&nbsp;<span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b>We cannot always provide the structure and concrete expectations that our kids need/ crave, especially over the long-term</b>.</span>&nbsp;RTCs have much better staff to child ratios and back up than we ever could!&nbsp;It is not possible to live real life like an institution (although we sometimes come close in our house), especially when you have other special needs kids and are dealing with life.</li><li><b>Staff is Easily Manipulated.&nbsp;</b>The staff is used to being treated like scum, so any child that is nice to them… They don’t necessarily recognize or care that it is manipulative. Generally “Charming” RAD kids hug and are warm and sweet to everyone (as long as they aren’t family). This helps the child feel safer. The child doesn't actually trust or care about these people, but they are pretty believable so the staff, case managers, teachers… have no clue. They want to protect this sweet, loving child from obviously crazy, overly strict parents with&nbsp;<a href="http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/munchausen-syndrome-by-proxy-topic-overview" target="_blank">Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy</a>. Which feeds right into what the child wants.</li><li><b>Not Their Problem.&nbsp;</b>Short-term focus and our child’s best interest is not the staff's problem, especially in the long-term. Staff can avoid telling the kids what they don’t want to hear (like “no”). So our kids behave better, because they like people who rarely tell them no. No one cares about long-term consequences (except you!).</li><li><b>Closed Environment&nbsp;</b>that is impossible in the "real world." This is a locked campus that goes way beyond child proofing, so staff don’t have to deal with watching him and correcting him when he gets into things that could hurt him. There are no small children or pets running around that the child could sexually abuse, torture, torment, or just be cruel to. They don’t have to protect a whole family, just a bunch of kids who are not exactly perceived as defenseless.&nbsp;</li><li><b>Concrete, Absolute Rules</b>&nbsp;- Your child KNOWS he has little to no flexibility or “wiggle room” on most subjects so they don’t bother to argue with staff about bedtime, computer time, respectful words…</li><li><b>It’s Not Personal</b>. It’s just a job. Staff can walk away. They go home at the end of their shift. They can quit. They can let someone else take over for awhile… we have to protect ourselves and the rest of the family, and that influences how we handle our child. Staff don’t have to do anything that isn’t in their job description. If someone vomits that’s the job of the cleaning staff. If the staff person has the flu, they can take a sick day. We have to deal with everything our children throw at us, no matter what, and it often hits home and gets personal.</li><li><b>Nurturing is Optional</b>. Unlike an RTC, when a child is rude, horrible, scary, threatening, tries or succeeds in hurting us and/ or a family member, we have to continue living with this child. If a stranger, or even our significant other, treated us the way our child does, then most likely that person would go to jail, and everyone would be encouraging us to leave him, but when it’s a child, we’re expected to handle the emotions and stress, not show it in any way to our child, and be warm and loving all the time.</li><li><b>No Social Skills Needed or Required.</b>&nbsp;No one expects the child to care about anyone else’s feelings. Empathy, sharing, cooperation is rewarded as something above and beyond.&nbsp;</li><li><b>School is Easier in an RTC</b>. Lower expectations and lots of one-on-one instruction. No one knows or cares about your child's actual capabilities. The child is not expected to live up to his or her "potential."</li><li><b>Blank Slate</b>. If the child messes up, they get to start all over again with a blank slate the next day.&nbsp;No one cares what he/she did last year, last summer, or even last night. No grudges, no expectations, no hurt feelings, no holding the child to a higher standard….</li><li><b>No Personality Conflicts.</b>&nbsp;If someone doesn’t like your child, or the child doesn’t like them… the child can just wait, they’ll leave and/or go home soon. Our kids don't expect people to stick around.</li><li><b>No One Knows the Child's Family - Staff.</b>&nbsp;They mostly only know what the child tells them.&nbsp;They tend to believe the child if he tells them that you beat him daily, or “hug him too much” (<b><i>Yes, my son told the staff that was one of the main reasons he was in RTC – we’d known him less than 6 months at that point… let’s just say that was NOT why he was there</i></b>). Most RTCs are not used to working with kids with loving, involved parents. They’re also not used to working with kids with attachment issues. If the child says, "My dad beats me every day," "My mom doesn't feed me,"&nbsp;"My parents won't let me have a cell phone because they are unreasonably strict,' "I'm a poor little abused orphan that no one cares about"... well, to the staff, it's entirely possible. The staff and other kids will validate your child's every entitled feeling, and will most likely try to "make it up to the child" by giving them things and special treatment.&nbsp;We also got a lot of pressure to give our child the same privileges a normal teen "deserves."&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/09/kittys-coming-home.html" target="_blank">Example of how we handled this</a>.</li><li><b>No One Knows the Child's Family - Peers.&nbsp;</b>The kids in RTC and school will reinforce your child’s beliefs, and make the child feel better about him/herself (usually at your expense), based on whatever the child chooses to tell them. Ask my daughter how many of her “friends” (and biofamily) think we are evil, strict parents, and have offered to kidnap my daughter and let her live with them – most of them call us names (which she loves to share with us) and some of them have even offered to hurt us for her.</li><li><b>RTCs Can Be Fun</b>. Tiny successes are celebrated and rewarded. Even with almost no positive behavior they get to go on field trips, go to the playground, have dessert… get to go out to eat with parents (who are expected to be sensitive to their feelings), and can eat all the fried foods they want. ...things they get to resent you for for not doing all the time when they're home again.</li><li><b>Chaos Feels Normal</b>. Even children adopted at birth can be used to high levels of stress hormones from the womb. An environment of chaos, can feel normal and familiar. RTC’s feel normal. Nice, quiet homes feel abnormal and “boring.”</li><li><b>It's Not Safe to Act Out</b>. Tranquilizers, lock down, intimidating staff, big scary kids who fight back… RTC’s are scary places. It’s not safe to fight or draw attention to yourself.</li><li><b>What's Normal for your child?</b>&nbsp;Staff don’t know your child’s history or what is normal for him or her. They don’t recognize his/ her anxious behaviors or what&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/11/disagree.html" target="_blank">Acting In</a>&nbsp;looks like. We were told our daughter was “a little homesick,” but other than that was doing great. On the same day they gave her an anti-anxiety med PRN because she told a staff that she wanted to hit a girl for telling her to “shut up.” They don’t know this is totally out of character for our daughter.</li><li><b>Compared to Whom?</b>&nbsp;I always forget that staff’s definition of “normal” and “sweet” needs to be taken with a truckload of salt. Remember what they are comparing him too – NOT neurotypical children his age! My son is the best behaved kid in the school... a highly structured program for emotionally disturbed youths. They’re always trying to promote him back into regular public school, but that’s because they don’t even notice his “minor” behaviors, like crying, cussing, punching lockers, being rude and oppositional to staff but complying in the end… because they have kids that are listening to the voices in their head that tell them to kill, are spitting in people’s faces, constantly screaming and cussing in the middle of class at other students (<b><i>because he broke up with her to date her twin – yes this was my son *sigh</i></b>*), destroying property…</li><li><b>Like Attracts Like</b>. ALL the kids in RTC have poor social skills, so no one will notice that your child is not “good friend” material. So he can have lots of friends if he wants. Plus my kids are naturally attracted to other kids with issues (probably because kids with issues are more tolerant of the poor social skills or maybe because they crave chaos since that’s what they grew up with) so they have a large pool of choices… who can’t escape! It's all short term too, so they can even appear to be popular.&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/11/kleenex-girls.html" target="_blank">Kleenex Girls</a>.</li><li><b>No Self-Entertainment Required.</b>&nbsp;Self-entertainment is often difficult for kids with attachment issues to do - it usually requires imagination, which can be very difficult for concrete thinkers. In an RTC, there’s always something to do and people to entertain you. For example, if we try to stick to a schedule that says we have dinner at 6pm then we have to leave the child(ren) to their own devices for ½ an hour or so while we make the dinner. In an RTC there is staff with them entertaining them all the time, and then they get up and walk to the cafeteria where dinner is magically ready. The child rarely has to self-entertain in an RTC.</li><li><b><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/01/more-on-medication.html" target="_blank">Medications</a>&nbsp;and Round The Clock Staff</b>. RTCs can make dramatic med changes, whereas we as parents have to work with small incremental increases to a therapeutic level, and don’t have access to 24/7 nursing/ psychiatric care if our child has an adverse reaction. We have to deal with a&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/01/my-child-is-raging.html" target="_blank">raging</a>&nbsp;or&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2016/05/dysregulation-and-meltdowns.html" target="_blank">dysregulated&nbsp;</a>child while the right medication cocktail is found.&nbsp;</li></ol></blockquote><br /><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;">What we did:&nbsp;</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>I constantly reassured my kids that I would help them deal with these feelings (and find others to help) and that I wouldn't allow them to push me away. I also reassured them that I knew these behaviors and feelings were caused by their "issues," and that as they healed the behaviors and feelings of fear and wanting to hurt us would get better.<br /><br />At the same time, I set up boundaries/ rules/ structure that let them know they were safe (this is a&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html">perceived sense of safety&nbsp;</a>- nothing to do with real life physical safety). I let them know that while they were healing, I would be there to keep them and the rest of the family safe. That hurting me and the family was not OK, and that I would not allow it.<br /><br />I took away most of their control (even about little stuff like when they would be eating and where they sat in the car), and by doing so they knew that I was strong enough to handle them and love them despite their issues. It took me a long time to understand that they didn't just need someone to love them unconditionally - they didn't believe in that, they needed someone to make them feel safe. Their favorite teacher was the strictest teacher, one of the staff in the behavior unit at school. She tolerated no nonsense, but they knew she really cared about them.<br /><br />They were afraid (deep down) of the teachers/ people that they could manipulate, that they could fool into not realizing that the child was not perfect and was "unlovable and unworthy of love." People that gave them a blank slate every day, that forgave them every time, that didn't hold them accountable for their actions... those people weren't strong enough to keep them "safe."<br /><br />I think me staying, no matter what they did, was a big part of what helped them heal, but I think a bigger part of that was providing the structure and support needed to make them feel safe and know that someone else was in control. That was, I think, one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was not the way I had parented my other children, most of the people involved in the kids' life thought I was overbearing and controlling, and it was NOT my personality (I'm a pretty laid back unstructured person), but they NEEDED that structure and loving support to heal.<br /><br /><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;"><i>But things were going so well!</i></span></b><br /><br />My child finally starts making progress or is doing well, then suddenly seems to sabotage their success. Sometimes I think when things are going too well, my child gets scared and pulls back.<br /><br />This could be due to:<br /><ul><li><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/12/holiday-aka-traumaversaries-trauma-tips.html" target="_blank">A traumaversary, birthday, trauma trigger, holiday, change in routine...</a></li><li>They run out of emotional reserves.&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-spoon-theory.html" target="_blank">Spoon Theory</a>. This is why a kid can appear to hold it all together at school, in public, or at a friend's house, convincing you that they have control over the behaviors so should be able to do it at home too.&nbsp;</li><li>They know things are going to "go wrong" so they self-sabotage things to take back control - by controlling&nbsp;<b><i>when</i></b>&nbsp;it happens it makes them feel in control and&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">safe</a>.&nbsp;</li><li>The need to protect themselves from what they consider your inevitable rejection by rejecting/ pushing you away.&nbsp;</li><li>They don't feel they deserve for good things to happen.</li><li>Historically when good things happen, they are followed by bad things (usually involving great loss) - so our kids avoid the good things to make losing them hurt less.&nbsp;</li><li>They're afraid that if they're doing well, then you'll raise the bar on your expectations and expect them to keep it up (which is a lot of pressure).</li><li>They "know" they're going to mess up, so they go ahead and get it over with.</li><li>Good behavior, often leads to higher expectations and more freedom and privileges. Privileges that the child may be afraid they can't handle (actually may not be able to handle!).<br />{<b><i>Bear NEEDED a high amount of structure and support to feel&nbsp;<a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/12/safety-first_15.html" target="_blank">safe</a>&nbsp;- he did very well in a structured, supportive environment and there was a lot of pressure put on us as parents to "reward" that success by putting him in less restrictive environments - where he inevitably failed. I personally believe that failure was often (sub-conscious?) self-sabotage to get put back in the more restrictive environment.}</i></b></li></ul><br /><br />I have had so many doubts about whether what I was doing was right and how to change things as they got older and more securely attached:<br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/05/therapy-direction-meeting.html" target="_blank">Slowed/ stopped progress</a><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2012/08/comments-on-kitty-and-chores.html" target="_blank">Justifying structured, (emotional) age-appropriate parenting</a><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/dear-anonymous.html" target="_blank">FAIR Club with "adult" children</a><br /><br />I still believe Therapeutic Parenting was the best thing I did for my children<br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/06/preschool-behavior-management-outline.html" target="_blank">Therapeutic Parenting</a><br /><a href="http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2010/03/why-i-use-fair-club.html" target="_blank">The FAIR Club&nbsp;</a><br /><br />marythemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08205319256573120866noreply@blogger.com0