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There’s a trend I’ve recently started noticing on the road that really pisses me off. I’ll get to that in a sec, but first I’ll admit that I hate other drivers on the road. I just do, and I’m guessing you do too. It’s sad, really. For me, and I’m sure many, a car and the open road are among the greatest pairs ever. It’s that whole symbol of freedom thing, or some shit like that. I think that’s why I get salty when I have to share the road with shitty and selfish drivers. But I should really get to the effing point.

“Swinging Wide” is the best way I can say it. I’m sure you’ve already got the picture, but I’ll be more clear. You know that move that semi-trucks do to make a tight turn? As they approach the turn, they veer the vehicle away from the curb or whatever and then swing into the turn they want to make. This helps them make the turn, keeps from smashing whatever is inside the curve, and helps avoid having the trailer topple over and spill delicious beer everywhere. This is a very good practice for any semi-truck driver. This is a terrible practice for Johnny McJackass and his Toyota Carolla. Why, then, am I seeing so many regular sized and even FUCKING COMPACT cars “swinging wide” for a normal, everyday turn? It’s not even the drivers of big-ass pick-ups or unreasonably big SUVs – it’s fuckin’ regular cars only. What really blows my mind is that I’ve noticed that drivers are both swinging wide before the turn and cutting early while completing a turn (more on that another time). What the yogart? Let’s review:

There is no need to swing wide here. None.

There is EXTRA no reason to turn when there is a separate turning lane, yet I see the bad way all the fuck-fuck time.

I think that every driver has three and only three responsibilities for driving. I understand that parents behind the wheel also have to deal with the noise machines in the back, but even they can mostly follow these three:

Obey the Rules of the Road.

Avoid accidents.

Don’t Fuck It Up for the Rest of Us.

I follow these, and I’ve not been in an accident in years. I can’t remember the last time I got a speeding ticket, or any other kind for that matter. It really is that simple.

Obey the Rules of the Road:

While you should certainly know all of the traffic laws where you drive (your state/any other state you frequent), I’m not saying you have to actually do them. It’s like keeping speed with the flow of traffic on the highway. If everyone else jumps off a cliff, go to their now vacant homes and take their stuff. However, if everyone else is doing 70 MPH on a highway – join ’em. Especially if you’re in the middle of the pack.

Avoid Accidents:

You know, if you can’t figure this out, just quit.

Don’t Fuck It Up for the Rest of Us:

This is the most important rule. Are you in the fast lane doing slightly under the speed limit? You’re fucking it up. Are you crossing four lanes in one foul sweep? You’re fucking it up. Are you swinging wide when there’s no good reason to and have traffic behind you? You’re fuckin’ it up good. My plea to all other drivers out there – only swing wide when needed. Otherwise, you’re fuckin’ the guy behind you.

Let’s try not to make it often. I just realized that I need to actually approve comments… which maybe I’ll consider turning off for a while. Anyway, I have a few more bands to make a list for. I’m also working on some other projects which I guess I’ll talk about here at some point. And lastly, I have a few things to bitch about. I’m about half an hour out from leaving work and can’t be bothered to actually work, so I’ll likely screw off on one of those bitch-sessions.

I pretty frequently get into conversations and arguments about taste, particularly about entertainment or food. Or the relative hotness of a given chick. Actually, the varying levels and degrees of attractiveness always spin out of control. Entertainment and food, I think, are a little easier to tackle.

This is gunna be sort of long read, so if you want to skip to the point, just look for TL;DR.

Lately, a lot of people around me have been changing their opinions about certain musicians. I include myself in this, though I think my opinion changes have been a bit more dramatic then most. I’ve started liking a few musicians that I once disliked, and stopped liking some that I once enjoyed. Some that I used to adore I now flat-out hate. A good example, though it is a few years stale, is Jamiroquai. I used to hate the group. I mean super-fucking-hate them. But then I’d hear an odd song or two at parties here and there, and started realizing I had judged them crappy without ever giving them a chance. Now I really dig them.

A few of us have been talking about The Beatles at work a lot lately. We had a few times before, but with three of us owning and recently playing The Beatles: Rock Band, the subject has come up a lot more. We started tossing around song suggestions to one another, and I started thinking about it. They are basically the first “boy band”. Why do I love them and hate all others? Likewise, some friends of mine have been trying to get me into some of their favorite music. I just don’t dig screamo or nue-metal, but they think I could. And… I don’t know, so other stuff. I want to have a fair system of trading musical tastes. I’m not saying let’s all burn mixed tapes… though we TOTALLY COULD! LET’S BURN MIXED TAPES!!! um… anyway, I’m saying let’s have a little game. We’ll set some rules to suggest music to each other.

You could always go with a set number of songs, like maybe ten. However, I don’t think that would be fair for prolific artists like The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, or James Brown. Dude, I don’t even know how many albums any of those bands has put out, and ten songs just doesn’t do it. You can’t possibly get enough of a taste of any of them with just ten. So why not 20? Because I don’t need 20 songs to know that I fucking hate Nickleback – the music snob’s greatest whipping-boy. Also, some great artists haven’t put out 20 songs. So I think the rule should be based on how many albums they’ve put out. I know it’s not perfect, as some albums have six songs and others have like a billion, but it just needs to be enough of a taste to find out if they’re worth looking into. I also don’t think you should have to use a song off of every album, as we all have a hated album from a beloved artist. As an example, I loveMetallica but St. Anger can go fuck itself. However, I do think the point… let’s called it a “token”, for that album still counts. Metallica put out nine studio albums. Therefor, I get nine tokens for that list even if I don’t use any songs off of “St. Junkpile”. There are some intricacies, which I’ll explain in the final rules. Stuff like an artist who was in a lot of different bands (Eric Clapton was the best example I’ve received). Which albums count, minimum and maximum… I’m prattling on. After conferring with some friends, I think we’ve come up with a good system.

TL;DR – Here’s a pretty fair way to suggest music to friends. You don’t actually have to burn them a mixed tape, they can always youtube it. Rules follow.

Only music directly relevant to the given artist. For “Dr. Dre”, you caninclude all of his solo work, featured, produced, or N.W.A. years. However, for “N.W.A.”, you cannot use the Dr. Dre solo career. Onlyactual N.W.A. work.

Your list gains 1 song “token” per album.

Minimum of 5

Maximum of 20.

You can use multiple songs from an album or skip an album entirely.

The song token for the skipped album still counts to the total.

All studio albums count, unless otherwise noted (For The Beatles, 13 albums are considered “Canon” with 27 total studio albums).

LPs don’t count.

EPs and live albums don’t count unless they are significant (or for your own house rules).

Nickleback sucks.

I would suggest stacking the front of the list with your best shots. With that, here is my inaugural (and softball) list.

Metallica

Ride the Lightning

For Whom the Bell Tolls

One

Master of Puppets

Battery

The Unforgiven

Enter Sandman

Until it Sleeps

Fuel

I do think that the EPs and Live albums are significant, but if you are now sure that you super-hate them, there is no need to continue. If you’re on the fence, let’s round out the list.

Live

Call of Cthulu

Of Wolf and Man

No Leaf Clover

EPs

Loverman (Nick Cave cover)

Astronomy (Blue Oyster Cult cover)

Stone Cold Crazy (Queen cover)

As a bonus, I’d like to also say that my favorite album is Metallica (the black album), but I think the best probably has to be Ride the Lightning. Hit me up in the comments with your lists, agreements, gripes, tell me I’m an asshats, etc.

That’s about as real as it gets. The list of things I want to mention is growing. Let’s see…

Fortune Cookies

Pizza, and why I hate it (preview – it’s ’cause I love it)

The magic of pre-work

My massive chin-zit

Oh, right. My massive chin-zit. I have this massive zit on my chine. I had one in the exact same place about a month ago. As it was forming, I went ahead and tried to pop it. This didn’t work, but it felt like it almost did. So I went in for an attack from another angle. I did this over and over until it grew from an annoying blemish to a monster of hate. It got kinda gross and took several days to go away. And now, not having learned my lesson from that first encounter, I did the same thing. This has yielded the same result. Dip.