‘Chinese Water Torture to become Spa Treatment’

As all good things from the 50’s must come to an end; Beijing officials have declared that torture, like the hula hoop and the songs of Doris Day, is no longer a reliable method for extracting confessions. For many, this is the end of the golden era that gave us poodle skirts, beatniks and irate Asian policemen submerging our heads underwater.

Can you spot the thumb screws? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

State torturers will now ply their trade in exclusive health resorts, offering a range of ‘extreme heat and exhaustion’ therapies. Despite Human Rights Watch questioning the ‘restorative powers of being half drowned’, police officials insist that they have merely been cashing in on the lucrative hydropathy market.

The Chinese Supreme Court hopes ‘to promote fair justice’ but also leave the door open for other forms curative interrogation. ‘Sending someone to prison for four years without a trial does have it’s advantages,’ admitted one police officer. ‘But we realise we must move with the times. From now on all suspected felons will have access to full legal representation, feng shui aromatherapy and a have CD of whale song forcibly inserted in their rectum.’

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