The US and al-Qaeda find themselves on the same side again. Ayman al-Zawarhiri, the top leader of al-Qaeda has issued a call for a religious war against Syria, as has Hilary Clinton, the US Secretary of State. I caught up with them at an undisclosed high security location where the food is kosher and the hosts are supportive of regime change in Syria.

RIGHT: al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton meet in a secret location several months prior to the 2012 U.S. elections. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

“Ayman, how are you!” proclaimed Hilary. “It’s been a long time since I’ve shaken the hand of an al-Qaeda leader.”

“Sorry to disappoint both of us, Hilary,” said Ayman, “but my brand of Islam doesn’t let me shake hands with you. Nevertheless, it reminds me of the old days when we were fighting Russians together.”

“Think nothing of it, Ayman. Actually, there are lots of folks that prefer not to shake hands with me these days. And many of them are not even Muslim. As for fighting the Russians, you’re right; it’s looking more and more like the old days.”

“As much as I enjoy reminiscing, Hilary, I have to ask you where you stand. As you know, we support Islamic revolution, and as far as I know you’ve never been a big fan of that. Where is this relationship going?”

Clinton: “For us it’s less important to defend Christians and other minorities, women’s rights and a secular state than to crush opposition to our will.”

“I know it seems strange, Ayman, but our thinking has evolved on the Islamic movement. The Saudis have been our allies for a long time, and now the Muslim Brotherhood has shown that it is willing to play ball with us and Israel, too. After all, we’re all on the same side, along with Qatar and Turkey. We can get used to the idea. For us it’s less important to defend Christians and other minorities, women’s rights and a secular state than to crush opposition to our will. Some opposition is OK, as long as it’s weak. But now we have a chance to break the alliance between Iran, Syria and Hezbollah, and with your help we will accomplish it, insha’Allah.”

“That’s music to my ears – Quran inspired music, of course. We’re happy to help stamp out apostasy and secular government, so that works for us. But part of our long-term goal is also to weaken and bring down decadent western imperial regimes like the US and European governments. How are you and I going to reconcile that?”

“Don’t worry, Ayman. I was expecting this, and I think you’ll be pleased. Our society is already collapsing due to our own greed, as you have been predicting for so long. Barack and I and all the others work for the greediest among them, and in the unlikely event of a Romney victory in November, we will collapse even faster. Our job is therefore to assure that those who are profiting from the collapse will be taken care of.

“So you do our bidding and we’ll do yours. And by the way, when we’re gone, the Israelis may probably still be around to work with you. You know that you would be nowhere without them. Right?”