A social psychologist explains how to recover from making a horrible first impression

Turns out you have a
second chance to make the right impression.K2
Space/flickr

For years and years you've been warned: First impressions are
lasting.

"I wish I could take some of the pressure off people when it
comes to making first impressions, but the reality is that they
are really important, mostly because they are so difficult to
change and because they're made remarkably quickly — usually
within seconds, before you've even said a word," says Heidi Grant
Halvorson, social psychologist, associate director of Columbia
Business School's Motivation Science Center, and author of
"No
One Understands You and What to Do About It."

Luckily, though, they're not impossible to change.

And this is great news because while first impressions can be
"fairly accurate," they are never completely so — "and they can
sometimes be way, way off," she explains.

In a recent story Grant Halvorson
wrote for the Harvard Business Review titled "A Second Chance
to Make the Right Impression," she shares the story of her
friend, Gordon, who once interviewed for a position with a
prominent university.

During his visit to campus, Gordon had lunch with a senior
faculty member named Bob. Upon digging in to his lunch, Bob said
to Gordon, "You know, this is great. You should try this."

Not wanting to offend his potential future employer, Gordon took
a bite.

The rest of the meeting went smoothly — but Gordon didn't land
the gig.

Years later Gordon learned the reason he wasn't offered the
position: When Bob said, "You should try this," he meant, "You
should try this sometime" — not now. He assumed
Gordon was disrespectful and ill mannered — which he isn't — and
had no desire to work with someone like that.

Gordon was, however, eventually hired for a different role at
that same university, and overcame that bad first impression he
made on Bob.

"If you make a bad first impression, it is possible to
bounce back and redeem yourself," Grant Halvorson tells Business
Insider. "But it's like weight loss: You can totally do it, but
it's not going to be easy, so don't believe anyone who says it
will be."

First impressions are stubborn, she adds. "Our brains are very
good at ignoring information that contradicts what we already
believe, and at reinterpreting information so it fits with
the belief you have."

For instance, if you think a colleague is a jerk, and he happens
to bring you coffee one day, you're not going to think you were
wrong about him — you're going to suspect his motives, and assume
that he wants something from you and is buttering you
up.

Heidi Grant
Halvorson.Courtesy of Heidi Grant
Halvorson

"Second impressions happen when you can get someone else to open
their minds to the possibility that their first impression was
wrong, and that it's worth being right," she says. "Keep in mind
that people aren't consciously clinging to the first
impression — it's just how brains work."

If you made a bad first impression and want to make things right,
there are two routes you can take.

The first is to present the perceiver with abundant,
attention-getting evidence that they have the wrong idea about
you, over a long period of time. "Going back to the coffee
example: If the office jerk goes out of his way to be
nice, everyday, for a couple of months, I
am likely to change my mind," explains Grant
Halvorson.

The second route is to create what psychologists call "outcome
interdependency."

"Basically, this means I have to count on you to get what I want
— as, for example, when two people have to work closely together
on a project. On an unconscious level, this makes
me really want to be accurate about you, so
you have an opportunity to make a second impression."

In Gordon's case, he "thought long and hard about the work that
Bob (now a department head) was doing, and took every opportunity
to reach out and support Bob's agenda," she writes in the Harvard
Business Review. "He also made sure to project warmth during
their interactions and to express himself with greater humility.
After about a year, Bob invited him to participate on several key
committees, and Gordon felt that the pair had established a level
of trust. Nowadays, they even have friendly lunches once in a
while — without sampling each other's food."

The problem with second impressions is: most people aren't like
Gordon — they never try to make one.

"It's a lot like when you try to lose weight, gain a pound, and
say, 'Oh, screw it!" she says. "Making a first impression takes
mere seconds — but making a second impression takes
persistence. Hang in there, and it will
happen."