0 MINS : A snowflake-themed teaser of tonight’s action. Hey – it’s only December the cocking first! In the studio, the current trend for pundit experimentation continues – this week’s work experience kid is Philip Neville. Will he be a throbbing brain of football analysis like his big brother or a strong, silent type like Freddie Ljungberg?

3 MINS : First up is Reading v Manchester United, and Hal Robson-Kanu gets the home team off to a flyer. ‘Almost eight minutes gone. Could this be a major shock?’ blathers Jonathan Pearce. Yes. Of course it could, Jonathan. There’s no doubt in my mind that Reading will hold on to their lead for the remaining 85 or so minutes.

4 MINS : There you go – Anderson equalises for United. Ooh look, it’s Anderson. This season’s comeback kid. The 2012 Paul Scholes. Superb celebration from him as well, kicking his heels in mid-air like a Cockney chimney sweep. Moments later, Jay Tabb barges into Jonny Evans like a deranged Christmas shopper trying to get the last Furby in a toy shop.

6 MINS : Yawn. Another goal. Adam Le Fondre has enough space and time to roar ‘My full name is actually Glenville Adam James le Fondre, don’t you know!’ before nodding it into the net from a corner. 2-2.

7 MINS : More terrible set piece defending from United as Morrison’s header puts Reading 3-2 up. This would be a landmark in the Royals’ history if only they weren’t so dog-rotten at the back themselves. Hello, Rooney’s just equalised.

9 MINS : With only half an hour gone, Fergie subs the tortured Rafael, who doesn’t look happy with the decision. To add to the embarrassment, someone throws a coat over his head as he storms off, similar to a damp tea towel being chucked on to a blazing chip pan.

10 MINS : van Persie makes it 4-3 to United. And it’s not even half time. This is going to finish 12-13! Football – bloody hell!

18 MINS : Oh. It ends 4-3 to United after a poor, goalless second half. The fans are probably well within their rights to ask for a 50% refund after this.

20 MINS : Phil Neville makes his maiden speech. He looks nervous, clinging to the sides of his chair as if it’s about to be catapulted into outer space. But he talks more sense than, say, Alan Shearer so he can stay if he wants.

"Youse? A pundeht?" "I know, right!" (Photo: Clive Brunskill)

23 MINS : West Ham v Chelsea next. Yet again, we’re treated to the extravagant Upton Park pre-match bubble fest. There are people up north who have to go out and STEAL in order to pay for bubbles, you know.

26 MINS : West Ham draw level and Jon Obi Mikel has a difference of opinion with the referee. No one calls anyone any names. Why would they?

27 MINS : The GPS in Petr Cech’s Sex Hat goes on the wonk and the keeper picks up a yellow for handling the ball outside the box. He’ll have got a powerful erotic charge from it though and that’s the main thing.

28 MINS : West Ham go close again but it’s hard to tell with all the bubbles flying around. It’s acting as a twelfth man for West Ham, an artificial fog. Wonder if they train in it? Is it some kind of tax avoidance thing?

31 MINS : Late goals from Diame and Maiga seal the win for the Hammers. I take it all back about the bubbles. Seeing a bewildered Ashley Cole ruminating over West Ham’s third through a bubbly haze is the comedic highlight of the weekend.

32 MINS : Hilarious stuff from Rafa’s Chelsea. He’s the new favourite in the ‘next manager to be sacked’ stakes. Who’ll be next in the Stamford Bridge hotseat? Avram Grant? Rafa again?

33 MINS : Following that win, Big Sam is on a high. A sugar high. On beating one of the big clubs he says, ‘It’s always the cherry on top of the cake, never mind the icing… and the cream, whatever you want to call it.’ Mmm, keep going big man… ‘You can call it the whole cake if you want to… because it feels that good.’ Oh yeah. Three points and some cakey erotica. Pity his tache has come off.

40 MINS : The best-named player in the Premier League forces a double save out of Szczesny. ‘Angel’ he yells as he strikes the first shot. ‘Rangel’ he roars as he blasts the second. It would have been the perfect goal.

44 MINS : Lovely cool finish by Michu as he gives Swansea the lead late on. He looks like the sort of player that Arsenal could do with.

45 MINS : It’s a second for Swansenal! Michu whips out his now-trademark ‘unscrewing my ears’ celebration. Wenger unzips his Big Coat in a massive rage.

51 MINS : John Motson has been unsheathed and allowed to cover Fulham v Tottenham. Martin Jol gets a chance to put one over on the club that stiffed him when it all seemed to be going so well.

52 MINS : Bale gets a yellow for ‘simulation’ again. He was fouled but he went down a bit too Matrix-y and now he’s in the book.

54 MINS : WOOF! Sandro scores from about a kilometre out. Motty reels off a couple of stats about the goalscorer before even naming him. Classic Motson.

56 MINS : Spurs coast it 3-0 after adding two goals from Defoe. He looks like the sort of player that Arsenal could do with.

61 MINS : Manchester City v Everton. The big news ahead of kick off is that no one has told Leighton Baines that Movember is over now. Ssshhh everyone…

62 MINS : Fellaini scores for Everton and then Tevez converts a penalty for the champions. It’s all pretty boring.

69 MINS : Fellaini appears for the post match interview, with his unkempt afro filling the top half of the screen and his half-loosened tie making him look like a 1979 Grange Hill character. One that would sniff a load of glue before nicking a car and driving it into a shop window.

70 MINS : Okay – Phil Neville is James Belushi to Gary’s John. Glad to have cleared that up. He’s still a thousand times better than Shearer though.

71 MINS : Gawd – it’s West Brom v Stoke.

The crowd weren't enthused by the prospect of WBA v Stoke (Photo: Getty)

74 MINS : Midfield ghoul Dean Whitehead nabs a rare goal and it’s enough for Stoke to take all three points back to the Potteries in the official Premier League velvet points pouch. You’ve never seen it? Trust me, it’s real… and it’s spectacular.

76 MINS : That’s two straight defeats for West Brom and they’re looking odds-on for relegation now. Tony Pulis says: ‘We’re playing in one of the greatest leagues in the world’. Don’t know if ‘playing’ is the right word for it.

78 MINS : If you’re a Liverpool fan, the thought that your match against Southampton is being billed beneath West Brom v Stoke must gnaw away at the very essence of your soul. But hey-ho, that’s what has happened here.

83 MINS : Brendan Rodgers carefully puts another piece into the mile-high, 4D Liverpool jigsaw that exists only in his own mind with three scrappy points at Anfield, courtesy of this 1-0 win. That has to be the last match, right? There can’t be anything less whelming than this, can there?

85 MINS : Ah, it looks like there is. QPR v Aston Villa. Darren Bent must be delighted that he’s earned a place on the Villa bench. 2012’s ending on a real high for Daz isn’t it?

89 MINS : 1-1 apparently. I saw the Villa goal but can’t remember the QPR equaliser. Maybe they didn’t show it. I’m not all that bothered either way to be honest. The pundits’ recent enthusiasm about Villa’s spunky, thrusting young youngsters seems to have abated now, with furrowed brows all round.

90 MINUTES : The league table backs this up. Villa are on the brink of dropping into the bottom three. They desperately need an experienced, proven striker. But where would they get one of them from?