The Hidden Danger of Breakups

She was 19, smart, and popular; he was a 21-year-old honors student. They seemed like a great couple…until they broke up and he allegedly exploded in a violent rage that ended in murder. Here's the little-known risk that comes with leaving a guy who doesn't want to let go.

Maggie Mulderrig remembers looking
around the packed auditorium this
past April, mentally checking off which
of her friends were there. Students
had gathered at the request of the
president of Gettysburg College, in
Pennsylvania, to hear a disturbing announcement:
One student had brutally
killed another, but police still had
not released the names. A feeling of
dread rose in Maggie as she realized
her friend Emily Silverstein wasn't in
the crowd. Anyone close to Emily
would understand: Kind almost to a
fault, she'd normally have been there,
trying to console people. It was frighteningly
strange that she was missing.

Her heart pounding, Maggie ran
across campus to Peace House, where
Emily lived, a large brick building that
housed students dedicated to pacifist
causes. She found it deserted, nearly
everyone gone for the approaching
Easter break. "Emily's door was open,
and all her stuff untouched," Maggie
says. "Nothing was different. Yet looking
at that empty room, I knew."

Meanwhile, Gettysburg senior Theresa
(not her real name) left the assembly
early, got in her car, and headed
home for the break. "I assumed the
killing was a drunken act; perhaps
something went horribly wrong between
two frat brothers," she recalls.
Driving off campus, she saw barricades
on Carlisle Street, where her good
friend Kevin Schaeffer lived with two
roommates. Crime-scene tape fluttered
in the breeze. Concerned, Theresa
tried phoning Kevin several times,
but he didn't respond. "As time went
on," she says, "I realized there must be
a reason he wasn't answering."

At a press conference that afternoon,
Adams County District Attorney
Shawn Wagner finally announced
the victim: Emily Silverstein, a
19-year-old sophomore. Her alleged
killer, Kevin Schaeffer, was 21 and a
month away from graduation. The
two had broken up three weeks earlier,
agreeing to remain friends.

When Rejection Triggers Rage

The news seemed incredible. Both
were well-liked, with a wide circle of
mutual friends. Soft-spoken but with
a sharp sense of humor, Kevin was a
campus deejay and a history major. His
name appeared in the newspaper for
making the honor roll and for his arrest
on murder charges only a few weeks
apart. Usually boyish-looking, he is
ashen in his mug shot, with dark circles
underscoring heavy-lidded eyes.

Emily was outgoing and passionate,
known around campus not only for her
political activism but also for the funky
glasses she sometimes wore and the
1997 Ford that she decorated inside
with Bob Dylan lyrics. She was devoted
to causes like Amnesty International
and Free the Children.

The autopsy revealed that Emily,
5 feet 4 and 115 pounds, had been
both choked and stabbed. The coroner
concluded that she was still alive
when her killer drove a 5-inch knife
blade into her throat.

"I keep wondering what would
have happened if Emily had grabbed
a girlfriend when she went to Kevin's,"
Theresa says. "The fact she went
alone seems like she wasn't afraid. I
never saw Kevin angry with Emily. I
never saw him really angry, period."

In the aftermath of the murder,
local women's groups offered students
counseling on violent relationships…
but if Kevin had physically abused
Emily, she'd told no one. "This opened
the eyes of many to domestic violence,
which is good, but I don't believe Emily's
case is an example," says Antonia
Hernandez, a close friend. "She was
excited to date him, never complained.
If something major happened,
I think I would have known."
Emily's father, Bob Silverstein, told a
newspaper reporter he didn't think
Kevin had ever hit his daughter.

But shockingly, the period surrounding
a breakup is when a relationship
that was never physically
abusive before can explode into
murderous rage, says Jennifer Storm,
the executive director of a victim/witness assistance program in Harrisburg,
Pennsylvania, who lectured
about dating violence on the Gettysburg
campus only a week before
Emily died. "In about 20 percent of
relationship homicides," explains
Storm, "the killing itself was the first
act of violence."

In many such cases, she adds, the
man uses emotional blackmail to
keep a woman with him, and as long
as that works, he doesn't need to resort
to physical force. "But if crying,
playing on her guilt, or threats fail,"
says Storm, "he may lash out from
fear and loss of control."

That swift, out-of-the-blue violence
can be extremely difficult to
predict, according to Laura Dugan,
PhD, associate professor of criminology
and criminal justice at the
University of Maryland. "Most people
become upset during a breakup,"
she says, "and lots of guys are needy
and manipulative, but they don't
commit murder."

Experts say a guy who suddenly
transforms from insecure to murderous
could be called a timid killer: someone who, far from seeming violent
or disturbed, is normally peaceful,
even gentle…until rejection triggers
deep-seated fears or urges.

Certainly, in the case of Kevin and
Emily, there were no obvious warning
signs that both their lives were
about to be destroyed.

The Guy She Fell For

Emily was the daughter of activist
parents (at 10, she declared herself a
vegetarian) and grew up in the small,
liberal town of Roosevelt, New Jersey.
She arrived at college in Gettysburg
ready to change the world. "I
decorated my side of our room pink,"
recalls Maggie, her freshman dormmate.
"Emily hung a poster of a lethal-injection table she got at an anti–death penalty rally."

Guys had crushes on her, but Emily
usually didn't take it too seriously.
"None of us came here to get married,"
says Noor Oweis, one of her
best friends. "We have male friends
who are very dependable, very protective,
and genuine."

Among them was Kevin Schaeffer.
A senior with a liking for skinny jeans
and indie bands, he and Emily began
dating in the fall of 2008. He was only
her second serious boyfriend. "Music
was her passion, and he was a deejay,"
recalls her father, Bob. "She loved
movies, especially foreign films, and
he introduced her to new ones."

Both were hardworking, on financial
aid and scholarships, and Kevin
earned extra money managing the
college radio station. Though not an
activist, he shared Emily's concerns,
and she inspired him to consider the
peace corps after graduation. "He
seemed the perfect complement to
her," Antonia says.

His Secret History

But after a while, Emily began to find
Kevin too needy, and their relationship
shifted into off-and-on mode.
"They were having a difficult time,"
Antonia remembers. "She and I had
a heart-to-heart. She was about to
turn 20, and he was graduating. They
either took things to the next level
together or moved on. Emily had
always been focused, but when things
got rocky with Kevin, she started feeling
stressed and worried that she was
making poor choices; she'd missed
some classes. She felt they were hurting
each other."

Emily broke things off in March,
intending to stay friends. Kevin
e-mailed her incessantly. In one message, he worried about his thesis, pressing
her to help. Then his obsession
swelled into talk of suicide. "Emily was
tormented," her father says. "She tried
to help him move on. Her concern was
that Kevin not take his own life."

Then Emily and her friends learned
through acquaintances that a year
earlier, Kevin had fixated on a previous
girlfriend, Jane (not her real
name). When they met with her, Jane
described a young man frantic for
someone to love him. During summer
break, if they didn't speak on the
phone three times a day, he cried until
Jane apologized and agreed to talk.

At school, Kevin insisted they meet
after class, eat all meals together, and
do homework side by side. Eventually,
she started texting him even
before taking a nap. Otherwise, she
woke up to multiple voice mails.
"Once, I turned my phone back on,
and there were 12 consecutive messages
from him, crying and screaming
that I was abusive," Jane says.

As with Emily, Kevin never physically
threatened Jane, only himself.
"He trapped me in his room in this
way — he said if I left, he would kill
himself," she recalls.

Determined to end their relationship
yet terrified of doing so while
Kevin appeared suicidal, Jane finally
sought help from campus counseling
services. If she complained of further
menace, they would seek a restraining
order. Shortly afterward, Kevin left school for two weeks, and
friends assumed he'd had therapy.
"He never talked about what happened,"
Theresa says, "so we figured
it was best just to spend time with
him and keep him upbeat."

Jane believes Kevin kept this side
completely hidden. "His closest
friends didn't know how obsessive he
was because he had, essentially, two
lives," she says. "For all they knew, he
had just been getting emotional because
he liked his girlfriend a lot. I
don't think his friends came close to
knowing the real Kevin. I'm sure it was
great to be friends with him, but to be
the object of his 'love' and obsession
was the worst place in the world."

Although Kevin's personality didn't
mirror the stereotype of an abusive
boyfriend, threatening suicide is
among the classic red flags that someone
could become violent, according
to David Adams, EdD, author of Why
Do They Kill? Men Who Murder
Their Intimate Partners and codirector
of Emerge, the first program in
the United States to counsel abusive
men. "They get locked into conversations
where the guy says he'll kill himself,"
Adams explains. "It's a desperate
strategy to keep the relationship
going. He's manipulatively given her
life-or-death power over him."

But there is a grim truth behind that
strategy: Many of the killers Adams
interviewed said they had initially
intended to kill themselves in front of
their victim, in order to leave her with
eternal guilt. Then rage took over, and
they killed her instead. "Such men
feel: 'By rejecting me, you have destroyed
me, so I have to destroy you,' "
says Adams. And in fact, often both
people die: Thirty percent of men
who murder their intimate partner
then commit suicide.

Despite Jane's urging that Emily
seek help from the school, Emily concluded
that Kevin wasn't the type to
actually harm himself or her. "Emily
possessed this mature sense of forgiveness,"
says Maggie. "She'd say, 'Better
to let it go. Life is too short.' "

If He Couldn't Have Her...

Three weeks after Emily broke it off,
Kevin and friends celebrated the upcoming
Easter break at a favorite bar,
swapping jokes and plans for the future.
"He was excited about a road
trip to see Elvis Presley's hometown,"
remembers one friend. "Then I
brought up how strange it is that so
much violence occurs in April: Columbine,
Virginia Tech, the Oklahoma
City bombing. Kevin kept
agreeing, saying, 'It's just so messed
up.' He was genuinely concerned.
Typical Kevin." Around 1 a.m., the
crowd broke up. Kevin hugged everyone
good-bye. Friends say that he
wasn't drunk and he seemed happy.

Earlier that evening, Emily had led
a discussion on gay rights at Peace
House, then went to the library and
finally back to her room, where she
texted Noor to say good night, ending
her message with "I'll call you tomorrow."
Those are her last known words.

At some point after that, for reasons
that are still unclear, Emily
went to Kevin's house. What happened
next is detailed in the stark
language of the police report.
Around 6 a.m., Kevin phoned a
friend of both his and Emily's, asking
her to come over. She arrived to find
Emily's bloodied body in the bathtub
and called 911. Minutes after officers
showed up, Kevin came outside
and confessed; later, at police headquarters,
he added more details.

He described getting into a physical
argument with Emily. She was on
the floor as he choked her and then
grabbed a steak knife off his desk and
stabbed her in the neck. For 15 minutes
afterward, he just sat next
to her. Then, "concerned about the
blood," he removed Emily's pants
and wrapped them around her neck
before carrying her body and placing
it on a shower curtain in the tub.
Kevin volunteered to police that he
had marijuana in his apartment and
he'd quit taking the prescribed antidepressant
Zoloft.

The trial is set for this month; he
has pleaded not guilty to criminal
homicide and other charges. If convicted,
he will die in prison; Pennsylvania
grants no parole for first-degree
homicide. So like many men who kill
a partner and then commit suicide,
Kevin will have in effect destroyed
his own life after taking Emily's.

At the pretrial proceedings, young
friends wrestled with mourning
Emily and, at the same time, the loss
of Kevin. "Emily was a forgiving person,"
Antonia says. "What he did to
her was very terrible. I'm trying my
hardest as a good friend to Emily to
forgive him. Emily would."

"Emily's life shouldn't be defined by
how it ended," insists Sally Quinn,
Emily's sophomore roommate. "If she
were here now, she'd deserve as much
attention for who she is and what she
stands for as she's getting for dying.
The world lost out on someone who
would have made a difference."

Although breakup violence
is hard to foresee, experts
say there are certain traits
and behaviors that indicate
someone might be on
the brink of physical abuse
or even murder. Be very
cautious if you start experiencing
any of the following
signs of hidden hostility
or emotional blackmail.

Possessiveness. He
becomes
increasingly
jealous of your time and tries
to control who you see, what
you do, where you go, maybe
even the clothes you wear.

Sudden personality
shifts. He can transform
swiftly from a gentle Dr. Jekyll
type into a scary, angry Mr.
Hyde persona.

Blaming. He makes it seem
like you're wrong (and he's
right) about everything and
any of his problems that come
up are your fault.

Demands. He doesn't take
no for an answer, and you
realize that his "requests" are
actually "demands."

Threats. He uses coercive
psychological tactics like tears,
rage, badgering, and threatening
to end the relationship.

Suicidal comments. A
huge red flag — he may resort
to this when it seems like
nothing else is working. But
if he's willing even to think
about it or say it, he's getting
dangerously desperate. What
begins as suicidal could end
as murderous.

How To Say Good-Bye Safely

If you or the
people close to
you have any
gut feelings that
your soon-to-be
ex is capable of
abuse, take these
precautions.

• Before you end it,
tell a friend, and if
your ex has a key to
your place, stay with
someone you trust.
Alert friends, family,
and coworkers not
to speak with him.

• Break up by phone
or e-mail. It may
seem unkind, but
put your well-being
first. There's no magic
script to prevent
violence — you could
share the things you
like about him, but
give your reasons for
leaving only once and
keep things short.