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Siri Has Been Listening to You Have Sex, Probably Climaxes Too

We’ve suspected that our smartphones are the gateways for our private information to leak out to the world. The ongoing gag is we’re each assigned an FBI agent who listens in on our most intimate moments. But now it’s believed Siri has been spying on us, and even records your time getting it on in the bedroom. An Apple whistleblower revealed that the company’s smart devices are regularly triggered and start recording when you’re not expecting. From conversations with your doctor to wild sexual encounters, Siri seems to be listening in and documenting it all.

“You can definitely hear a doctor and patient, talking about the medical history of the patient. Or you’d hear someone, maybe with car engine background noise – you can’t say definitely, but it’s a drug deal … you can definitely hear it happening. And you’d hear, like, people engaging in sexual acts that are accidentally recorded on the pod or the watch.”

The whistleblower, who remained anonymous due to fears of losing their role within the company, also said not much vetting takes place in the hiring process. As a result, there’s a wide assortment of people working at Apple who have access and listen to your private moments. Some recordings are so obvious and private information is collected in such abundance, the whistleblower said, people are easily identified. That’s some scary shit right there. Can we all just go back to flip phones? Accepting calls instead of texting and cameras with less than one megapixel don’t seem so bad now that this information is being made public. Now excuse us as we try and dig up our old RAZR.