Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Txs Neets and Etor for checking in

I've been writing in my journal as it allows me to think without an audience in mind. My oh my, in a few weeks a lot happens.

A dear friend passed away. Anthony’s one of the few men that have lived his convictions consistently and has walked his talk. This is more impressive in a highly political environment such as a unified school district.

You can tell a lot about a man in how he handles the adversity in his life. He’s had a lot of training as a Pastor of two Baptist Churches, youth counselor and coach. He also told it as he sees it especially when it’s controversial. For instance, he served with Lieutenant Calley of the Mi Lai massacre debacle. “Brother Miles, he was set up to fail! An immature and inexperienced man in a leadership position-leading his men in a frightening situation where you don’t know who your enemies are! If blame is to be given out, our superiors needed to step forward for placing a young man and his boys in an untenable position.” Anthony was their Mortar man.

One thing about Baptist services is how they celebrated his legacy. It was very lively and I thought of Ray Charles. As the final Baptist preacher one of many shared, “We are sending one of the really good brothers home. Will you pray with me? People complain why the good ones are taken away so soon. It is like-why it’s easy to be a good Christian when times are good, Amen? But we forget to be good Christians when times are bad-difficult and hardship kicks us face, will you pray with me? But my man Tony never forgot about being Christian during these bad times, he's also a big man you knew him when he walked by! Dude has massive physical presence, but wasn't this man gentle and kind…will you pray with me!” I can’t continue this dialogue anymore because this particular preacher rose to the heavens and scorched us in hell before he brought us back to earth-will you pray with me! Tony was 56 years old and died of complications from surgery of an aneurysm.

Also this week is my best friend Allen was at BK (Bankruptcy) hearing. BK has taken one of the most competent men I know and buckled his knees. His sense of identity was in “never land” and he had no strategy for this up and coming BK hearing. Though he is one of the best strategists I know, for a brief period was without a personal strategy of his own in dealing with this current crisis. It was a true intervention of his closest friends beating him to pulp when self pity came to visit or when he isolated or neglected his health. We kicked his fucking ass!

He was amazing during the hearing! Along with his own attorney, he parried with a panel of Lawyers who implied fraud and wanted a judgment! I don’t know how this is going to turn out. But the man is riding his horse again and not wallowing in weakness-his financial health warrants it.

I must say, it’s been hard to get back to real work. I am boring! I’ve decompressed from so many things and I need more rest from my time off. today, It was nice to feel the road and hear the music. The sky was a sunny blue and I am focusing on what I want to focus on. I’m here in Temecula near the Wineries. Old Temecula is now a tourist destination with its own Starbucks. Once they reach Main Street, the cars slow way down. Unlike the speed of the autos earlier when I was in the business district. There, with company names like Guidant, manufacturers of medical equipment as well as other companies like Costco and Barbeques Galore; they sat on orl blocked from view the rolling hills that at one time resembled the hillsides of Tuscany. Shit, it’s hard to wax poetic prose on this kind of landscape. In fact it drives me inward to plumb my own depths and inner workings.

In plumbing one particular branch pipe came this thought,“Happiness is overrated”. I read that in a book somewhere. Boring is better! I tend to believe this. The rampage of life comes and goes and continues. My current conclusion is the method on how I respond to the difficulties of life and whether it is in line with whom I want to be and have I been as keen observer of who I am within these difficulties. Have I been brave, compassionate, generous and cynical? By cynical I mean how my behavior corresponds to real time, in real life and in an appropriate way. I use the word cynical because I tend to project what my illusions are to someone or something. That to me is delusional! My meaning for someone or something is typically not true. They all have their own meanings. I don’t want to believe in illusions. I want strategy! I want to think before I react and when I am confronted with the different meanings of others! I don’t want happiness or pain born from this type of ignorance. Thank you brother Allen and brother Tony-hopefully through your experiences and the experiences of others, I hope I’ve learned and improved in this area. We’ll just have to see once bullshit heads my way! For now life is boring and I am content with that.

Most welcome pal. Long time no see! Well I've been busy too. But just finished writin a post. Sorry to hear about you friend Anthony. Hope his family is doing fine. Its difficult to find good human beings and some how they seem to be the first ones to go. So that makes the rest of us- the not-so-good-not-so-bad lot. Allen, he will rise. For every fall, there is a rise. He will overcome. You take care of your self. Be there for your friends and family and life will follow its own boring course.:)

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I just hate death; I can't deal with it at all. Everything feels like death to me, from losing a friend to the real McCoy. And I hate funerals too. I am so sorry for your loss. I wanted to say something wise, but I am through with wisdom when it comes to death and loss. It's so hard. I am thinking of you during this time.

I do so appreciate your thoughts! It does hurt the pain of loss and the raw jagged edge left open to heal. It sucks hind tit! Grief has allowed me to write letters when I’m most open. Doing this has given me an opportunity to be really honest about my feelings for the people I’ve lossed. It is eye opening-the honesty. Later, its help me see what kind of relationship I really had. With some it was good riddance!

Please don’t apologize for not visiting-there are no conditions or obligations but only an appreciation and welcoming of your visits here.