LET’S GET TO THE RECAP!!!!!!!!!
*
In the first 6 minutes of the show, #virgininabottle says the word “virgin” approximately 23,764 times. Like, I think she said “virgin” more times than Samantha said “drama” in the last 3 weeks combined. In a nutshell, although she is still currently a virgin at this juncture, she’s totally okay with that not being the case at this time tomorrow.

*
Meatball realizes that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for Juelia and he only sees her as a friend.
She quite literally RUNS down the beach (dang the crocheted swimsuit bottoms that keep trying to fall off her hiney while running), packs her stuff up, and goes home.
I know we are all hoping that Juelia finds love.
Because she’s good enough, she’s smart enough, and doggone it people like her.

*
#doesnt’wanttobeavirgininabottleanymore seeks out Harrison and asks him if she can have a date card that ends in a fantasy suite.
NO HARRISON! DON’T DO IT!
Harrison obliges.
Sigh.
And just as Jaclyn is about to ask Jared on her date, #don’twannabeavirginnomo rushes in and asks Jared on her date.
He says yes.
Jaclyn stares in disbelief. And to be honest, so do I.
Didn’t Jared already “break up” with her at least 7 times already?

*
Jaclyn (whose hiney is blurred out, purely fyi) asks Justin out.
And he says “Yes”.
And then Cassandra arrives.
And Cassandra asks Justin out.
And he says “Yes”.
And then Justin goes and tells Jaclyn that he can no longer go with her, because he’s pretty certain he’s already in love with Cassandra. Okay, so he didn’t say those exact words, but that was the gist.

*
Nick decides to grab the bull by the horns.
He marches down to Jaclyn and asks her if he can have her date card because he wants to take out….wait for it…Samantha.
Okay.
Let’s talk frankly for a minute.
Is the girl pretty? Yes.
Stunning, even? Yes.
Does she have AMAZING HAIR? Yes.
But I feel like that is where the package ends. Yes?
Jaclyn makes Nick roll around in the sand like a Victoria’s Secret model in order for her to give him the date card.
#he’snoangel
*
Mikey talks to Dan about his fears concerning Ashley’s possible Stage 5 Clinger status with Jared.
He might have even said something about Jared getting murdered in his sleep.
Everybody laughed nervously.
It’s funny because it’s true.

*
So, the overnight date happens.
Jared and #notsureifshe’savirginanymoreinabottle come back from their date.
And nobody knows exactly what went down.
We do know that Jared was pumped about the A.C. and that Ashley loved watching him sleep.

*
Justin and Cassandra go out.
They ride horses on the beach, Cassandra takes off her shirt revealing her hot bod, and Justin almost proposed on the spot.
They sit on a bench, talk about their kids, and make out.
And I’m not convinced they are falling in love, but I am convinced that they both think they are falling in love.
UM. YOU MET LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO.

*
So #notsureifshe’savirginanymoreinabottle tells the camera that she’s in love with Jared…..
At the same time, he’s telling the camera that he still doesn’t feel it with her.
He tells the guys that he’s going to break up with, but he doesn’t think it’s going to go well.
Spoiler Alert: he’s right.
He takes off across the island to tell her, and I think I’m going to have a panic attack.
#IFSHE’SNOTSTILLAVIRGININABOTTLETHENYOU BETTERHIDETHEKITCHENKNIVES
JORGE!
CODE RED!
HIDE THE KNIVES!

Let’s all take a minute to applaud Ashley here
I think we all expected her to absolutely crumble, but she did NOT!
To be honest, I half expected her to fall into a ball on the floor and rock back and
forth screaming “WHERE’S MY ALLADIN?”
We’re proud of you Jasmine.
Don’t worry, you’ll get your own personal magic carpet ride soon enough.

*
Jared took himself out of the game and headed home.
From what he said, I don’t think they wiggled.
WHEW.
I wasn’t emotionally ready for that “whole new world” to open up for Jasmine.
#thankheavensshestillseemstobeavirgininabottle.
Jared leaves and then #virgininabottle leaves.

*
Time to give our Power Couple Carly and Kirk a little air time.
Carly and Kirk cozy up on a rock and talk about their future.
Actually, that’s not true.
Carly talks about their future and Kirk listens.
She talks about getting married and having his babies.
And Kirk just listens.

*
Nick and Samantha go on their date.
And the kissy noises about threw me over the edge.
Summary of their date:
Nick tells Samantha how beautiful she is.
Samantha pretty much agrees.
Nick kisses Samantha and she seems to tolerate it.

*
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!
Dr. Hunt’s rose goes to My Name is Carly, It’s Nice To Meet You.
Tanner’s rose goes to Jade.
Justin’s rose goes to Cassandra.
Nick’s rose goes to Samantha.
Dan’s rose goes to nobody. He makes a little speech, and then takes off.
#anotheronebitesthedust
Mike’s rose goes to Mackenzie.
But Mackenzie says thanks, but I’m good… and then takes off.
And then Mikey goes too.
And just fyi, this was Jaclyn’s face when Mackenzie said “nah”.
Which to be fair, was kind of what my face looked like when I saw the dress Jaclyn was wearing.
Who does she think she is? Cher?
The others that go home?
Ashley S., Chelsie, Amber, and Jaclyn
For those of you keeping track…..that’s now 10 people that have left over the course of 1 hour.
I hope the shuttle driver is getting paid overtime.

*
The next morning the remaining couples are all cuddled up and dreaming about what opportunities the island will present to them over the next several days.
Carly goes on and on and on and on and on and on about how blissfully happy she is with Kirk.
THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL FORESHADOWING PEOPLE
Let’s just cut to Kirk.
Dr. Hunt says he’s just going through the motions.
He says “last night she talked about having my kids.” And he is FREAKING.
All the while, Carly is ALL IN. She’d picked out the china and her wedding colors were blush and bashful. Two distinct shades of pink, one much deepuh than the other
And I want to dig a hole, crawl in it, and live in it until the show is over.
You can tell Kirk’s genuinely upset about all of this and that he seems to truly care for her, but he’s just not feeling it the way he thinks he should be feeling it.

He’s a nervous wreck (so am I), and he goes to seek out Carly.
He tells her that he’d like to talk to her and pulls her away from her girls.
On the way down to the beach, she giggles and says “Are you breaking up with me?”
I ABOUT DIED.
#doesanybodyknowcpr
#becauseIthinkIneedit

Kirk starts talking, and it doesn’t take her very long to figure out where this is going.
He says “I think I’m a little behind……. I’m afraid I’m a lot behind…….I see your face light up……I’m not there yet……Because I’m having doubts doesn’t discredit anything that happens…..”
Carly says she wants to throw up.
I’m sure Dr. Hunt wants to ralph as well.
NURSE!
MEDIC!
She won’t look at him, and I actually feel awful for both of them.
He says that he respects and adores her.
She feels like she’s been “tricked”.
Kirk wants to continue their talk, but she runs away crying and says she wants to go home.
Poor Carly. It was excruciating to watch. She was absolutely heartbroken.
I think most of us have been there at some point, and we were all feeling all sorts of empathy for her.
But on the other hand…
I’m not sure how everybody else is going to feel about these next 2 words I’m about to write:
Poor Kirk.

I actually do feel awful for BOTH of them
Kirk tells the camera that “That went as terribly as it could have” and “was the worst breakup” he’s ever had in his entire life.
Carly’s girls (Jade and Tenley) rally around her as she’s bawling and packing her things.
It is very sweet to see how her friends are hurting for her as well, but I would like to throw it out there that it’s not like Kirk left her at the altar. They’ve been on the island for 5 weeks. And I think that he was having a really great time getting to know her and exploring their relationship.

Should Kirk have maybe shared his feelings earlier? Possibly.
But to be fair, it’s not like he’d held back the truth for months. It had been a week.
And I kind of think that all of the girls are acting ridiculous.
(DISCLAIMER HERE: Several people have told me that on After Paradise that it sounded like Kirk actually was doing a lot of the talking as well about their future. And if that’s the case, that explains why she seemed 100% blindsided.)
Jade and Tenley are telling Kirk to keep his distance from her, and Carly says she hates him and “won’t give him the satisfaction” of talking to him.
It seems Dr. Hunt is trying to be an adult and have a conversation.
And although I can understand that Carly was shocked and heartbroken, I felt like she was more than a little off the rails with her reaction.
CODE RED EVERYBODY!
GET A GRIP!

Both Carly and Kirk leave.
And now we are at an even dozen of dearly departed contestants this week.
#anotherone’sgoneanotherone’sgoneanotheronebitesthedust

Where does everybody fall on the Carly and Kirk debate?
Is it just me that feels badly for BOTH of them?

4 couples remain in Paradise.And they all get overnight dates.

Cassandra and Justin
Cassandra says she doesn’t want to lose Justin.
And I’m like YOU MET HIM YESTERDAY.
And she’s worried about the idea of not going THERE in the fantasy suite.
I want to again remind you Cassandra THAT YOU MET HIM YESTERDAY.
Nobody expects you to do the big wiggle.

Nick and Samantha
Let me just put it out there that this couple is just plain stupid.
Nick is stupid.
Samantha is stupid.
And they are extra stupid together.
I’m aware this sounds mean and incredibly harsh, and I’m sure that in the real world they are not stupid. BUT ON THIS ISLAND, they ARE IN FACT STUPID.

Tenley and Joshua
I’m not sure Joshua’s hair is ever going to fully recover from Kaitlyn playing barber shop.
Tenley thinks Joshua is a sweet sweet man.
However, she’s worried if she and the sweet sweet man that adores her can make a long distance relationship work.

Tanner and Jade
Tanner tells her he loves her, and she says it back.
They probably wiggle. Allegedly.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
Harrison steps in and pontificates about the significance of these roses.
Because these aren’t just any regular ol’ run of the mill roses y’all.
These roses mean that you want to try to keep dating after the show is over and once you get off this stupid hot and extremely humid island.
BUT COME ON, LET’S GET REAL FOR JUST A SECOND.
We all know that everybody could accept their roses and break up the next week.I mean, it’s not like these roses are contractually binding.

First up, Justin and Cassandra.
Yes, the ones that now have a full 48 hours of knowing each other under their belts.
Well, he thinks she’s awesome, and he gives her his very serious let’s keep dating rose.
She accepts.

Next, Nick and Samantha.
He offers a rose and she accepts it….EVEN THOUGH he says something about how he is going to die of suffocation because she takes his breath away.
If Carly and Kirk are puking somewhere, I would now like to join them.
The bigger news here (and the only news we care about) is that she didn’t say the word “drama” once.

Now it’s Tenley and Joshua’s turn.
Joshua tries to give her his oh so serious let’s keep dating rose.
But Tenley refuses.
UM.
How is what Tenley did to Josh not worse than what Dr. Hunt did to Carly?
Now don’t get me wrong, I think it was fine for her not to accept the rose…but nobody seems to be calling for Tenley’s head like they are calling for Kirk’s.
#doublestandardmuch?

AND NOW….HARRISON’S GOT ONE MORE SHOT!
ONE FINAL CHANCE TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT YOU CAN IN FACT FIND LOVE IN PARADISE: JANNER
Tanner says lots of really sweet things and then the pendulum shifts as he’s telling her that he can’t give her a rose. Nice try Tanner, but we don’t buy your shenanigans for a second.
NOPE!
You might not be able to give her the rose….BUT YOU CAN GIVE HER A SHINY NEW ENGAGEMENT RING FROM UNCLE NEIL!

Am I the only one that’s thinking that these two crazy kids just might have a shot?

Let’s just hope that the wedding isn’t next year on the opening night of BIP 2016.
Cuz that would just be sad.
OH…and I would just like to put it out there right now….
these 2 lovebirds are going to tie the knot WAY before Kaitlyn and Alf ever do.
#justsayin’
SO…THAT’S IT FOR BIP LADIES!
It’s been a wild ride.
Harrison, we’ll miss you.
Until January ladies!
#bachelorforever

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I’m talking about wearing black and brown together (JUST DO IT!), I have a great dress to share with you, and I have a code for my favorite jewelry!
xoxo,
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Comments

I kind of thought Kirk wasn't going to fully break it off with her. I thought it was just trying to say, "let's slow our roll?" And then she went crazy! I felt bad for them both. It was horrible!! And you're right. Why didn't Tenley tell Joshua that way sooner than the rose ceremony?! One more thing…#anotherone'sgoneanotherone'sgoneanotgeronebitesthedust might have been the funniest thing you've ever said. I LOL'd!!! Great recap, girl!!!

In the moment, I kind of felt bad for both Carly & Kirk…mostly for Carly though. You're right, in After Paradise Carly said the night before they were talking about going to her brother's reception. She gave him the opportunity to NOT go (she totally understood if he didn't wanna go) & he said that he absolutely wanted to go. There were some other things they had just talked about too (I can't rem exactly what) & that's why she felt lead on/blindsided. Tenley & Joshua were different, I think, because they talked about their situation quite a few times before the rose ceremony. She voiced her concerns to Joshua about them living so far apart, so I kind of feel like he might have been expecting a "NO" at the ceremony. Also, I am SO sad I didn't see your FB post about the blardigan because the one I want is out now. BOOO!!! 🙁 HAHAHAHA!!!! Thanks again for all of your recaps…I sincerely enjoy them!!!!!!

I have never ever watched this show because it just isn't my thing. BUT, I do sincerely LOVE LOVE LOVE your recaps. They are hysterical! Plus, I've shared them with my friend who DO watch and they end up texting me about how spot on you are with your commentary. I wish you could be typing in your commentary during the show. Like, while it is on tv…your comments scrolling at the bottom. THAT would be awesome! (Then I might watch… lol!)

poor kirk…THANK YOU!!! she went completely nuts and gave me much unnecessary anxiety. #notcoolcarly even if he had given her affirmation in another conversation, HE CAN STILL CHANGE HIS MIND! geeeeeeez. oh, and the way she treated him on after paradise? #soooooonotcoolcarly but, clearly i'm over it. #exceptnotatall

Just noticed that you put Jared and Jade instead of Tanner!! I love your recaps and I love those 2 together!! I think they seem to have more of a shot than most bachelor couples!! I thought Carly overreacted too! I love her but she def went off the deep end! Cassandra and Justin didn't make it past the finale…..she's apparently with Jonathan now(I remember him as Mr Tears)!! Now on to January and Peter Brady 🙂

I felt bad for Carly until I saw her reaction. I'm thinking girlfriend has some growing up to do before she starts thinking about marriage and babies. Bless. Tanner and Jade are about the cutest thing I've ever seen and I sincerely hope they make it. Precious.

Is it wrong that I just ordered ANOTHER blardigan? And the leopard flats? Which look to be fully restocked again. Are those the ones you have? True to size? As for Carly, I actually think she handled it as to be expected. And, in the after show, I think she was very graceful in her responses. I think Kiirk is the loser here. In defense of Tenley, I don't think she led Joshua on. Their relationship was not as strong as Carly and Kirk. At least the way the show portrayed it. I can't wait for Ben's season. I hope you will be recapping again!! Have a great week 🙂

You are right, how did Tenley get off so easy! Totally saw it coming with Carly, especially when they edited her saying wanting to have kids with him. Will miss your recaps. Sidenote, I ordered that long sleeve v sweater from Nordstroms when I ordered the cuffed jeans you mentioned the week before. Like it, very soft and lightweight. I will be able to wear it all fall and winter. Juniors size, large… maybe should have gotten an XL for my upper top. #doubled's

I agree with what Erika said! I think Kirk just wanted to slow it down and she took it as a complete breakup and flipped out. I love Carly and felt so bad for her but I felt just as bad for Kirk. He seemed genuinely upset. The whole breakup was just terrible. But I have to say I did lose a little respect for Carly at After Paradise. Did anyone else notice that she didn't stand when Kirk walked in?!? She just sat there. I thought that was rude and uncalled for. Maybe Kirk wasn't perfect but I think it's uncalled for to be ugly about it. #mytwocents

Sheaffer, I love you and your recaps, I usually totally agree with everything you say. BUT I have to disagree with you on the Carly and Kirk comments. He definitely misled her big time. I couldn't believe it when he went back to the guys after the break up and said,"What just happened? I feel like I got punched in the stomach." SERIOUSLY???!!! I was yelling at the TV!!! I'm sure that's exactly how Carly was feeling, and rightly so.

I agree and but also disagree on your view on Carly and Kirk. You (or I) could 100% tell that she was way more into it than he was the entire time. Even when he had those doubts in the middle of the season and then "realized" he did want to be with her…I could still tell it wasn't for real. But I think he did talk about their future together throughout the 5 weeks they had and I truly wanted to throw up with her, I could feel her pain and also know what that pain feels like (like we all do). I don't necessarily think she over-reacted. I do feel bad that Kirk was genuine about feeling so terrible. He just waited too long. Ah such a tangled web we weave. So happy for Tanner and Jade, though! He's from Kansas City, where I'm from, and I know people who have said he's a great guy. Good for them!

LOOOVE your recaps!!! I totally agree about Kirk. I thought he seemed like he was trying to really talk to her and explain, and while I felt SO SAD for her, the girls and her were acting like they were in high school. "Go away- she doesn't want to talk to you!" I mean, I guess things go really fast on the show, but him "having doubts" for a week didn't seem like an eternity to me. I would hope the first inkling of doubt wouldn't cause an immediate breakup! Anyways, another great recap 🙂

Concur! I feel like every thought I had about the entire episode, you have taken from my head and put on paper. There is totally a double standard between Kirk and Tenley. Maybe Tenley gave slightly more of a "heads up" that things were amiss, but you could also fault Tenley for not ending it before the formal rose ceremony.

I think Carly has a really strong personality (not that there's anything wrong with that), and Kirk had a hard time expressing his reservations prior to the ultimate breakup. I don't think Kirk handled it perfectly, but I don't think he had bad intentions. And I felt bad for him and Carly.

And I agree with your sentiment regarding 'seriousness' of the roses. LOL. I liked it better when this show had prize money at the end.

I could have sworn that somewhere along the line Kirk admitted he tends to run. Carly may have gotten somewhat carried away, but then why couldn't he have just said he needed to slow down instead of ending it altogether? They've only known each other about a month. It is perfectly reasonable to not want to go on and on about marriage and babies with someone you've only known a single month, no matter how intensely you feel for them.

The after show really helped clear it up. I felt so sad for Carly. So so sad. I think we could be friends. I felt a little bad for Kirk but I still think he blindsided her unnecessarily. And tenley totally told Joshua these concerns ahead of time.

I always love your recaps!!! I keep forgetting to watch and you recap the episodes perfectly. I love that you say exactly what we are all thinking (and what I told my husband when we watched the finale this week). Great recap!

I love, love, love your Bachelor recaps – so spot on and hilarious! Did you know that bachelor in paradise is only filmed over 20 days and not 5 weeks (found it one of those bachelor spoiler sites)! They just have to act like its been 5 weeks. That makes their "falling in love" that much more hilarious! Given that Carly/Kirk's break up was about 18 days in to filming, she really did overreact! Can't wait til January! 🙂

I could not agree more with your thoughts on Kirk & Carly! I really like them both and always have but I think Carly handled it poorly. Which is understandable given she felt blindsided but I still would have heard him out. I think Kirk handled it as good as he could have. He's a class act for sure. I hope they both find love!

HAHA! Perfect recap in every way. I said the VERY EXACT thing you did about Tinley. Maybe it was because she was just so sweet about it and used the most perfect words where Dr. Hunt kind of just stumbled around, don't most men. I felt like Carly did go over the top a little in that she wouldn't talk to him and just ran off. Very immature. In other great news, thanks to your Nordstrom inside the know tip and sale alert, I just got a $50 refund on a couple of things I paid full price for. YAHOO!! I need to go shopping again. Keep it coming girl. :o)

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