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When a dom gives oral sex to their submissive, the submissive isn’t in control. They may be enjoying themselves, but they’re still subjected. They serve by giving over their body for the dom to lick them or suck them, but they do that to provide a conduit for the dom’s pleasure.

Woman dom gets oral sex from male submissive: the dom is in charge

When the submissive gives their dom oral sex, the submissive is serving. Their kneeling or otherwise subservient position, their wearing of a collar or a leash, their nudity while the dom may be partly clothed, all signal their submissive status.

The odd thing, in bdsm, is that when the dom gives their submissive oral sex, the submissive is still serving.

The submissive provides his or her body for the dom’s use. It’s a more indulgent use of the submissive’s body than some of the things a dom may do to their submissive, but it’s still use.

Male dom licks submissive woman’s cunt. The dom, as ever, is in charge

The submissive’s reactions – whether or not they will get to come, for example – are controlled by their dom.

Their posture, their movements and their breathing are all controlled by the dam’s instructions, and by the pressure and the withdrawal of the dom’s mouth on the most sensitive parts of the submissive’s body.

The submissive’s body is the dom’s tongue-puppet.

I’m mainly talking about symbolism and rhetoric, which are unusually important in bdsm compared to other sexualities. The truth is that when I go down on my slavegirl, my main motivations are that I like her cunt and I love her, and I want her to feel good. But it’s hotter for both of us if she can submit to me as well as submitting to her physical pleasure.

So doms and submissives may perform exactly the same actions, and yet the imagery and meaning will be utterly different. There’s nothing either dom or sub, my mom would have said, but thinking makes it so.

[That’s the end of the bdsm and oral sex sequence. We’ll be getting back to the Raylene saga soon. Will she get more of the strap? Will she get publicly humiliated? Will she get that cup of tea she asked for? Watch this space.]

People who read this blog regularly will know I was recently in Havana.

On my way there I dropped in on Antarctica, where – according to their profiles – the hottest submissive girls live. It must be the penguin down and the hot pools. I met up with a girl I’ll call Gretel. This was something we’d arranged, me on my mountain and her on the towering gloom of Erebus.

Gretel’s a bit of a name on the internet, much more so than I am, and she’s a quick, sharp, smart girl. She lives on her wits, though she has more than her wits to offer and entice a suitor.

For example the excellence of her breasts is matched only by the legendary cuteness of her ass and the inviting plain of her belly. She is pale, which I like, and when she smiles there are indeed dimples.

Annnnyway, that ass, though cute as mentioned, had been substantially under-spanked and generally lacked a history of pleasing mistreatment. We both thought that was regrettable. So one of our understandings was that after we’d explored the forests, rum joints, decaying buildings and corrupt police, secret and otherwise, of Cuba, we’d explore some more personal matters in our hotel room.

And so, one day, which wasn’t the first day because an undressed Gretel is more shy, in some ways, than a fluffy bunny who wants you to just go on as if she wasn’t really there, I undressed her. I put some gruff into my voice so she knew why, and made her bend over the bed.

And I smacked her bottom.

The sound, and the resilience and sweet round tactility of her ass was pretty well perfect, and so was her reaction. That is, she moved in response to the smack, so that I knew she’d felt it, but she stayed in place. So I counted that as an invitation, and gave her a long spanking, not at all hard, but setting out to build up some heat and colour.

And wetness. I had a wet girl on my hands. Under my hands, to be literal about it.

The doctor is in. Also perverse. My flogger is the instrument on the left.

At a later time I put her down so that she was lying on the bed, face down and bottom up, and brought out my flogger. The lashes are made of soft leather, so although I can make it land hard enough to make a fairly whip-hardened girl cry out, it can also be used purely for pleasure.

Used at medium strength it’s practically a massage tool. It lands heavily, but the thud isn’t the sort of impact that has to hurt. It’s the dom’s choice whether the flogger’s contact with her flesh is a caress or a whip-stroke.

So I flogged her, in a series of very quick, light blows, that you get by swinging the handle so that the lashes spin in a circle, and land, at their lowest point, on her upper thighs and bottom. Gretel made no sound. She was smiling slightly, and it seemed that she might have found sub-space, and moved into it. Not all the way in. She stayed just inside the border, where details and events get a little vague, but you can come out if you need to.

Gretel’s ass, half flogged. In reality it was redder than that, but something about Havana light seems to bleach away the blush of flogged skin, at least on camera.

Occasionally I added a little extra force to the swing, and made her flinch. I did that to make sure she was still reacting, and hadn’t drifted completely away from her flogging and from me. And because I wanted it to be a sexy experience, it has to have a little bite to it or it becomes merely mellow and pleasant. There needed to be the odd moment that had an edge, that woke her skin and hurt a little, so that the next, softer strokes of the flogger were actually soothing.

It was a good introduction, I thought. I’d done okay at teaching Getting Flogged 101, but I was especially pleased with Gretel. Intelligence is one of the keys to sexiness: sharp wits, wet bits.

Note: Writing about very recent events is against one of my rules, but I made an exception in this case for reasons I won’t explain. It probably goes without saying, but I do have Gretel’s consent both for writing about her flogging, and to run that pic of her excellent ass.

But most doms want to lick their submissive’s cunt, or suck his cock, from time to time, for its own sake. Well, if you don’t like your submissive’s genitals a lot, what are you doing in a relationship?

When doms use their mouths on their submissive’s bits, some things will be different – compared to non-bdsm oral sex – about the physical arrangement of their bodies.

A woman dom dodging the whole, “Can I do my slave and still stay domly?” issue.

For example, I suspect that not many doms will drop to their knees to pleasure their submissive. For a dom, getting on your knees is a step too far. I like my metaphors mixed, don’t you?

So doms will push or command their submissives onto their backs, and usually keep their heads higher than the submissive’s body. Or most of their heads.

Even when they’re giving good head, de-doop de-doop de-doop woooo…

A dom who worries about bdsm symbolism can do extra things, like inserting a plug in the submissive’s ass, tying their arms to the bed frame, or giving them a long painful discipline session beforehand so that pain and its delicious aftermath precede pleasure.

Those things all help to set the mood for the submissive’s little treat.

I’m more likely just to use the soft, growly version of the command voice to set the mood and help the submissive feel she’s in her proper place. The commands I give are for her to lie on her back, lift her knees and keep them wide apart, and present her cunt forward as hard as she can. That helps set it within the dom/submissive framework, and allows us the freedom to act naturally from there on.

Speaking of “act naturally”, some Christians, like the voters of the State of Georgia, where oral sex is still a crime, think of it as an unnatural vice. But they should ask a zoologist about that. Don’t tell ISIS, but they’re going to have to behead one hell of a lot of animals if they want a purer world. May have wandered off the point, there. Hope no-one noticed.

He’s standing, and clothed, and free, being sucked. She’s kneeling, naked, bound, and never too far from her next whipping: and she serves him. A non-bdsm observer would understand why he’s happy, but not why she’s in ecstasy too.

So a submissive giving oral sex may have bound wrists and ankles, or have his or her ass glowing from a recent paddling, and may know that the dom they’re pleasuring will take a riding crop or other implement of punishment to them, passionately and fiercely, if they make a mistake or show any lack of enthusiasm. These things aren’t true of non-bdsm oral sex.

There are subtler differences. The absence of the expectation that the person who serves will get their turn is one. That’s up to the dom, who may decide – for disciplinary reasons or just for the mischief of it – that the submissive doesn’t get to come at all.

It always feels a little wrong to me, if I refuse orgasm to a submissive girl who’s pleasured me so sweetly. But these days when I decide she’s not going to be allowed her own release, it feels like the fun kind of wrong. She’s frustrated, humiliated and turned on, and I feel a kind of glee. It’s good, not to be a gentleman dom: not all the time. It’s good to be king, too.

He’s happy too.

So there’s no way, when a submissive sucks or licks her or his dom to orgasm, that the partners feel like they’re equals. Oral sex, in bdsm, seems as though it was especially designed to emphasise the power imbalance between them, the dom’s conquest and the submissive’s surrender.

It’s these symbolic things that give oral sex its special significance in bdsm.

But … what happens to all that symbolic meaning when the dom decides to suck or lick his or her submissive?

In non-bdsm oral sex there’s an expectation that the partners will do each other, taking a roughly equal number of turns to give and receive. In bdsm oral sex, there are no expectations except that what the dom says is how it is. The submissive does what he or she is told and earns no reward points for that, except perhaps for the relief of not being punished when he or she performs well.

Not quite what I meant by “taking turns”.

If you’re going to have a sort of orgasmic equality, then you will generally need to take turns. Even women – and I suppose men – who really love to suck cock can seldom come from that alone. Once I’d have said never: but then I encountered a woman who could come, with nothing touching her cunt but the air, at the moment I released into her mouth and she swallowed. So it can be done.

These days, if I want the submissive to come while she’s sucking me, I’ll lie on my back with my legs open. She lies on her front, with her mouth on my cock and her legs straddling my right leg, with her cunt pressed against my knee. If she’s a good girl and a good rider, then I’ll let her get herself off while she works on my cock.

My instinct, usually, is to make the woman come after serving me, because I like the sight and sounds and smells of female orgasm, and why should I deny myself that? Anyway, after an orgasm I’m generally in a benevolent mood. But I came to realise that I shouldn’t always succumb to that kindly meant impulse. Cruel can be kinder.

When denying a submissive an orgasm, always be mindful of the safety of your own genitals

I’ll never forget the first time I came in a submissive girl’s mouth and then – once she’d cleaned me, still sucking – put my cock back inside my pants and zipped up. Her expression of shocked disbelief was priceless. But before that moment we’d talked a lot about how her role in life was to serve me, and that what she desired didn’t matter or count at all. She’d loved being told that, and she found it a very sexy idea, but it wasn’t until I denied her the orgasm she’d expected that it felt real to her.

Orgasm denial’s a very intimate control over a submissive which, in my experience, most submissives hate but also love. It makes the submissive very aware, over a long period, of their submission, especially when they’re pleasuring their master or mistress, and dealing with their owner’s orgasm while knowing they won’t be allowed any release themselves.

That combination of sexual yearning and self-awareness of their own submission is, it’s always seemed to me, one of a submissive’s key pleasures. One-sided, blatantly unfair oral sex is one good way to drive that awareness home. The dom’s duty is to give his or her submissive plenty of opportunities to feel sexually needing, and subordinate.

Are you at ease being naked? Do you feel more comfortable clothed or unclothed? Can you explain why you feel this way?

Response

I’m at ease with being naked. It helps that I’m a straight man, and that heterosexual women seem prepared to overlook flaws that a gay man perhaps wouldn’t. So I try to keep fit, but my fitness does fluctuate.

That doesn’t seem to stop some women from desiring me. There’s a real difference between my self-assessment of how sexy I look naked, and the assessment of most straight women who get to look at me naked. They don’t run out of the room screaming. Well, mostly, with honourable exceptions. (Those ones I chase. It’s part of my fitness program. Er, I mean that in a playful sense, not the dangerous-stalker sense.)

Happy to be a naked man on High Street

I don’t understand why some women fancy me, but once I understood that it’s their judgement that matters, not mine, and that they were prepared to give me a pass mark, I got comfortable with it. I’m not going to question it.

Whether I prefer to be clothed or not depends on where I am. On High Street I don’t often prance around naked, because it would only upset some people without any great benefit to me.

(Also, I live up a mountain, and most of the year it’s c-cold. If some girl was overwhelmed with lust at the sight of my naked body in mid-winter, and grabbed my penis, it’d probably snap off. (If it was warmer it might come off. Tish-BOOM.)

In my bedroom, I’ll be naked in a woman or girl’s presence once t’s clear that it wouldn’t be actually weird. When sex is at least on the cards. Because being coy strikes me as bullshit, and because either she’ll have undressed herself or I will have undressed her, so by that stage I’ll be feeling over-dressed. Alternatively, I may undress first if we’re being sexual but she seems to be feeling nervous about her body. It can help make the thing more relaxed, especially on a first time.

And she seems happy to be a naked girl on the street.

The thing is, I like girls to be naked when we’re being intimate. I really, really like naked girls. Quite enthusiastically, really.

A girl in lingerie, or dressed as a Japanese schoolgirl or something, is very charming. But once we’re in bed, or nearly, I prefer bare female skin more than anything else in the known universe. And I have to be naked too, so that I can feel her skin everywhere, and she can feel mine.

Especially when fucking. This may not be a terribly original thing for me to say, but it’s just true.

Obviously, lots of people love oral sex without being at all interested in bdsm. I even suppose it’s possible to be into bdsm and not care much about oral sex. They’re not the same thing.

On the other hand, when oral sex happens in a bdsm context and framework, it adopts bdsm symbolism and meaning very, very easily and naturally. The partner on their knees, busy licking and sucking, serves their dom’s pleasure. They’ve got no guarantee of sexual release or even reward for themselves, except the pleasure of pleasing.

Almost no adjustment is needed to make cock-sucking or cunt-licking into a supremely submissive act.

The wait is over. Humble servitude and likely pain now begin. But it’s a relief.

Still, when a submissive girl is sucking my cock, I do a number of things calculated to emphasise to her just how submissive she’s being.

If I’m coming to visit her, or she lives with me and I’m coming home, I’ll let her know it’s time to start waiting. That means she has to get naked and kneel facing the front door with her mouth wide open. I let myself in with a key. I don’t tell her exactly how long she has to wait.

But once I’m there, time shifts from endlessly slow to ruthlessly fast. I’ll have my hand in her hair and my cock in her mouth, fucking her throat, before we’ve said hello. I’ll be fully dressed,and standing, just to heighten the contrast between her abject status, and my status as the free, clothed, standing man who owns her.

Usually, especially when I’m standing above her, I’ll take my belt out of my pants, and let the leather hang over her shoulder, down to her bottom. That, again, is to remind her of her status.

Flogger works just as well as a belt

Usually she’ll already have been told that she needs to devote her full attention to pleasing me when she sucks my cock. Because if she lets my cock slip out of her mouth, or if I feel that she’s not trying hard enough, then I will whip her back and her ass.

I’ll have explained that failing to serve me properly when I’m already excited has unusually harsh consequences. Not because of justice but because of my excitement.

I’ll use the belt on her harder than I usually do. After a couple of times through this ritual, she will have learned that this is true: she does her best to please, or her ass, back and sides will take my belt until she’s very, very sore and sorry.

There’s another thing: eye contact. The eye contact thing seems to have come out of internet porn. I’ve mostly never cared where the submissive was looking when she sucks me. I’d expect that she was usually looking at my shoes, or my inner thighs if we’ve gone to bed together, or she had her eyes closed. But porn taught submissive women to look up, making adoring eye contact while they pleasure their dom. Submissives in turn taught me to expect it. I decided that it’s hot, and now I require it. I punish any breaking of eye contact.

I wrote here (towards the end of the Qing saga) that “in oral sex it usually seems – and usually is – that one person serves and the other is served. That could be why it’s so very popular in bdsm, and why male doms tend to be so keen to get their submissives onto their knees with a mouthful of cock.”

She’s wearing less than she needs to, strictly speaking, for the purpose.

That is, the one who gives oral sex is serving, and symbolically submissive. Their subservient status is often emphasised, even in non-bdsm contexts. They kneel while their lover stands, they work at the other’s pleasure while their lover relaxes. They’re often naked while their lover may be fully clothed with only his fly unzipped, or her dress/skirt lifted and knickers pushed aside.

So symbolically it’s about submission, and therefore dominance as well, and that’s why we doms tend to make it a priority.

Leaving aside the Orientalist fantasy aspect of it, that’s most succulent subservience. And I want his outfit.

A clever girl wrote in to argue that there’s a simpler explanation. That is, oral sex feels good, and most men like to have their cock sucked. A dom is one of the few men who can simply order their partner to suck their cocks, other than (perhaps, but not always) a john, the customer of a sex worker.

Likewise, awoman dom can simply tell her submissive to get to work, and punish him or her (not necessarily physically) if they don’t show enough enthusiasm or technique.

So doms get all the oral sex they want, which isn’t true of most people.

I should say that I’ve put her case in an exaggerated way, to clarify the distinction between her view and mine. Actually, both of us agree that doms get lots of oral sex because they can. And that there are symbolic aspects to oral sex that make it extra attractive to we bdsm perverts.

I’m off to an outdoor performance of An Ideal Husband in a few minutes. I’m not sure an outdoor performance of such an urbane play will work, but anyway I’m going to support it. But that does mean that I’m out of time.

1 Do you have a sexual fantasy that you would be embarrassed or ashamed to tell anyone about?

2 Is it a complete fantasy or would you like it to actually happen in real life, if you had the chance?

3 Are you brave enough to share it here with us?

Response:

I don’t really have a favourite fantasy. I make stuff up as I go along, whether I’m domming, fucking, or just fantasising. But I’ve come back to this one twice in four years, once in a post from April 2012, and once in an email today. So at least it’s got staying power.

1 The fantasy.

I am the captain of a pirate ship, or a naval ship from the days of wood and canvas. The crew see me on the quarter-deck, smiling, stern, looking boldly into the horizon.

But if the wooden rails weren’t there they’d see me buggering the cabin girl, Erica, who is keeping her head down. Erica, by the way, is a stowaway found and put to work; the crew think she’s the cabin boy, Eric.

Erica, poor thing, is trying to mop the quarterdeck, bent at the waist with her captain’s cock up her arse.

Because if he finds a speck of dust, he’s going to take her back to his cabin, bend her over the bed and cane her until his cock has recovered enough to bugger her again.

That’s the worst thing about being an attractive but slightly careless stowaway. Once you’re found, the captain will want you to work your passage. Work it hard and work it flexibly.

And there’s always a speck of dust, by the way.

It’s quite short, by my standards, isn’t it?

2 Is it a wish, or just a fantasy?

I’d love some near equivalent to happen in real life, though I’ll have to concede that I don’t own a pirate ship, and if I did I’d find it hard to board another ship and start killing and plundering. It just doesn’t seem like nice behaviour. On the other hand, the idea of buggering a woman who continues to try to clean the floor while I butt-fuck her, and then waits fearfully for my assessment of her floor-cleaning prowess: that’s hot enough to be getting on with.

3 Are you brave enough to tell us what it is?

No, it has non-consensual or at best semi-consensual elements. I’ll never tell anyone about that fantasy.

This is Stoya. I picked this shot since it’s as close to a demure pic as I could find.

I‘ve never met Stoya. And, weirdly, I’ve never seen a porn with her in it. But I decided a long time ago that she’s cool, because she did a song and video with Amanda Palmer.

And I’ve read interviews, in which she comes across as smart and funny. She isn’t just intelligent and savvy, though; she’s remarkably beautiful.

Therefore (for the other reasons, not the beauty), if she says something about conditions in the porn industry, I’m inclined to think it’ll be the view of a sensible, smart person.

So when she said she was raped by James Deen, I didn’t think that on its own was legal proof, but that it was more likely than not to be true.

I haven’t met James Deen, either. He’s a male porn star, maybe the only male porn worker to be a star in his own right, right now. I haven’t seen any of his videos either. I mean, I do watch porn, but I don’t have time to keep up with all of it.

But I knew submissive women who thought James Deen was supremely good news. He was much more fanciable than the tattooed, muscle-bound caricature that the porn industry thinks is an attractive man. Deen looked like a regular guy, someone a woman might meet and decide to take home and fuck. So, over time, his videos became starring vehicles for him. The naked women got equal or second billing to a man, which is incredibly rare in porn.

James Deen is almost always clothed in his porn and publicity shots.

In the bdsm-flavoured porns he did, I’m told the vibe was both rough but also playful. He’d be savage, but politely so, and he’d manage to communicate the idea that he didn’t hate the woman performer, or think she was bad. They were just playing a sexy game.

So a lot of people were reluctant to write him off when Stoya complained. He’d managed to make himself an acceptable face of porn. And it’s a “he said/she said” scenario. What can you do?

Well, you can follow the balance of the evidence. When Stoya said he’d raped her, and not stopped when she used a safe word, I thought that was probably true. Short of legal-standard proof, of course, but enough to decide that he’s probably not a nice guy, and not what he seemed to be.

But then the balance tipped dramatically in Stoya’s favour: there are now eight other women with similar stories about Deen. So it’s not “she said/he said” any more. That’s nine women with similar stories: of course it’s true. That is, of course Deen rapes women, and he can’t be trusted to respect a safe word.

Which takes any potential pleasure out of watching any of his old videos. I’m not going to look at the bloody things, I’m afraid.

His career is effectively over, I hope. The one thing is that I’m pleased about is that it seems the porn industry didn’t fuck around on this, like other media have with their rapist creeps (e.g. the BBC and Jimmy Saville; American media and Bill Cosby, and so on).

Anyway, sometimes you just have to let someone go. He may have looked like an “acceptable face of porn”, but it turns out he wasn’t. Now’s the time to drop James Deen.

And Stoya had things to lose by reporting her experience publicly. That took courage. But assaulting women, using the ambiguities of the setting and your own fame, doesn’t take courage: it’s bastardy. What else may happen depends on the women concerned, but it’s to be hoped his career stays over. .

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