THE BETWEEN THE LINES SERIES

For Disclaimers, see "Looking for Trouble"Note from the writer: To me, "Been There, Done That" was the end of innocence - the last episode that Xena and Gabrielle were mostly happy and carefree. In the episode following it, "The Dirty Half Dozen," Gabrielle begins to question who she's become, and in the episode after that, "The Deliverer," Xena leaves her behind with Khrafstar (presumably for good) and Gabrielle loses her blood innocence. Going forward, the characters and the tone of the show were forever changed. In some ways, Xena's words below, at the end of the episode, were prophetic. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~3.2 Carpe Xanthos (Seize the Blonde) (post "Been There, Done That")

G: "Xena, are you all right? All right, what's going on?"

X: "Life, Gabrielle-- life! Life is going on at last! Gabrielle, you've gotta, um -- I don't know -- seize the day! 'Cause, who knows? Tomorrow may never come!"

-- Been There, Done That ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up slowly, and don't open my eyes at first. Cautiously, I feel the ground next to me and smile. It's grass and dirt. Not the straw on that gods-forsaken barn floor. I grow still and listen, holding my breath. There are birds singing, but not one damned rooster for miles around. Finally, I believe I can rest easy. The never-ending day from Tartarus is over. I smile for another reason, realizing Gabrielle is curled up against my back, something she would never do if we'd gone to sleep with Joxer across the fire from us. After we left the village, I told him to scram. For once, he didn't argue. I was sharpening my sword at the time, but hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Today, it's a matter of what I want to do, and I don't want to spend the day with Joxer. I want to spend it alone with Gabrielle. That went for last night as well. On one of those days in that village, Gabrielle died. I wasn't there to protect her, even knowing the scenario she was walking into. It was a very simple situation and yet I let my guard down, got distracted, and in a split second, she was gone. Only two things kept me from tearing that village apart -- I promised her a few years ago that I would not become a monster if anything happened to her -- and the slim hope that the day would repeat itself at least one more time, and I could get her back. It was the only time during the entire repetitious cycle that I wanted to re-live the day. Thankfully, she doesn't remember any of it except the last day, and there wasn't much to that one. All I really did was wake up and toss my chakram and convince Menos and Lycost to end their feud. That ended the entire thing. Compared to the other variations of that day, the last one was a piece of cake. Both Gabrielle and Joxer appeared a little incredulous as I explained what had been happening. Gabrielle accepted it in good faith. Joxer looked at me like I was crazy. I suppose given how many times I've looked at him that way, turnabout is fair play. I did leave out the parts where he died, Argo died, Gabrielle died, I killed Joxer, and we all died, impaled by a dozen crossbow arrows. By then I was convinced the day was never going to end, and I'd become a little arrow-proof in my thinking. But I will never forget what it was like to watch Gabrielle die in my arms, to place her body on a funeral pyre, and light that torch. I made Joxer go away that night, too. I was beyond grief. And I was angry. Angry at myself and angry at Joxer that he didn't step in front of that sword instead of Gabrielle. It all ended well, but nothing can change the fact that not only did I allow Gabrielle to die, Joxer did too. I know he's not a warrior. The truth is, Gabrielle could beat him up the first time we met him, and her skills weren't nearly then what they are now. Now, she could fight circles around him. But he is a man, and I've seen the way he looks at her. You don't let someone you love step in front of a sword while you're standing right next to them, I don't care how much of a coward you are. Ah, who am I kidding? He's Joxer. I'm the one who shouldn't have let that happen. But I will be watching him from now on. I'll never trust him to watch her back, or mine either, for that matter. But enough of thoughts of Joxer. It is finally a new day, and I have no plans but to make the most of my time with Gabrielle. I feel her stir behind me, and I turn, taking her in my arms and kissing her forehead. Her eyes flutter open and she looks up at me in confusion. I laugh. "You're not awake yet." I touch her face and then I kiss her lips. She tastes so good and I can't get enough of her. It feels like it's been weeks. For me, it has been. "Mmmmm." She sighs happily and returns the kiss with some fervor. "I'm awake now." Her hand slides down my side and over my hip, and I feel her laughter bubble up inside, my own laughter joining it. I touch her, doing some exploring of my own, and feel her arch against me. Her stomach muscles contract as my fingers slide over them, and I nudge her legs apart, savoring what I find there. "You certainly are awake." I kiss her again, my touches more insistent. "Lucky me." "Xena." Her breath floats past me, caressing my cheek as I nuzzle her hair. Last night was tentative, as if I was getting to know her body all over again. This morning though, I'm back in the saddle, loving her, being loved in return, knowing exactly how and where to touch her. She's driving me crazy in the best of ways, and I intend to return the favor. A while later I'm on my back, her head pillowed on my shoulder. Her hair is like silk as I sift it through my fingers, and I close my eyes, enjoying the sensation of her hand rubbing circles against my belly. She's rubbed me in some other places, too, but somehow, this part is always really nice, holding her afterward. It's not been like this with anyone before her. Love does make a difference. "You've lost weight." She pats my stomach. "Did that happen during all those days I missed?" Did it? I consider that. "Maybe," I finally comment. "I missed breakfast every single morning. Joxer's goose eggs kept getting crushed before we could ever cook and eat them." "Ugh." She makes a face, her nose wrinkling. I find this adorable. "You could've had my share. I hate goose eggs." "I know." I ruffle her hair. "Mashed turnips weren't exactly the best way to break the fast, either." "Fast?" Gabrielle rises up partway, looking into my eyes, her hand against my chest. She frowns, her own eyes faraway for a moment before she focuses once more on my face. "Xena, did you eat at all during that time?" Now it's my turn to think. Joxer's eggs became toast every morning. Then I rushed off to try to make the day end. And it always did end, in tragedy. Someone I cared about died almost every single day. By day's end each day, I had no appetite, and I realize I didn't build a cook fire at all during that time. There was my visit to the midwife, but still -- "other than a really stale muffin, no. I don't think I did." "So you've not eaten anything but a muffin, some mashed turnips, and last night's fish, in what -- a dozen days?" Her eyes are sorrowful, and she touches my stomach again. "Xena, it's practically concave here." "I hadn't thought about it much until now," I admit. "I was so busy and frustrated during all that time. It didn't occur to me that a repeating day would have a cumulative effect on me. Honestly, I tried not to think too much at the end of each day." "Worn out from trying to make it end?" She tilts her head in question. "Yeah. Sad and worn out," I mutter. "It was a really hard time. Most of those days -- never mind." "No, tell me." Her eyes are beseeching and I groan inside. I can almost never refuse that expression. "Please?" Oh. Or that. Thinking, I turn the tables. "Can we eat breakfast first? I'm feeling a little light-headed here." "Oh, gods!" She slaps her own forehead. "I'm so sorry. I'm going to build up the fire and then go check that snare you set out last night. You just rest until I get back." I laugh lightly. "I'm not in that bad of shape." Sitting up, I push her hair back out of her face, touching it again. Her skin is so soft. "You build up the fire. I'll go check the snare." Before she can protest, I'm on my feet and into my shift. I take off down the trail boot-less, carrying only the knife I'll need if I've caught anything. I saw rabbit tracks across this trail when we walked in to make camp yesterday afternoon. Hopefully -- there. I hear it. A slight rustle. One rabbit for breakfast, coming up. I'm glad I told her to make the fire. She hates this part. Back at the campfire, I finish off a fine stew she's made, dipping a piece of flat bread into it and scarfing it down. I was hungry, and once I got going, I ate three servings. She was hungry too, and it makes me wonder if those days also took there toll on her. I study her when she's not looking at me. No, she looks fine - her stomach is usually flat, but she doesn't look any thinner, and her cheeks aren't hollow. I sigh in relief. I may have lived that day a dozen times over but it appears she did, indeed, only live it once. I'm still not ready to talk, and I set my bowl down and stand, peeling my clothes off. There's a lake off through the trees, where we bathed last night and collected water. "I'm going swimming. Last one in is a rotten goose egg!" I laugh and rush past her, running as fast as I can. "Xena!" Oooo, she sounds a little ticked. I believe I can fix that. I reach the water and climb up some rocks to one side. Waiting, I see her come running after me. Gods, she's so cute. She's naked and her breasts are jiggling. She has powerful legs and I love watching her run. She looks up and sees me, and I dive into the water, powering my way down to the bottom and pushing off, surging back up until my head breaks the surface. "Come on in! It feels great!" I splash some water toward shore where she stands, looking at me and then looking up at the rocks. "You are the most infuriating person sometimes!" She shakes a finger at me, but she's smiling. "I'm coming in." She clamors up the rocks and pauses at the top. "It's a little high up here." She looks down at me uncertainly. "Hey." I swim back over and stop below her. "It's nice and deep here. You can do it. Come on, I'll catch you." She scrubs at the side of her neck with one hand, a sure sign she's warring with herself over something. "You better." Taking a few steps back, she runs, pushing off with one foot and flying through the air. She's coming down faster than I expected, and I move aside as she hits the water, reaching out and snagging her in both arms. She goes completely under but then I pull her back up. "That was fun!" She laughs, pushing her hair out of her eyes. I'm still holding her and she's got her arms around my neck. "What's this?" She touches my neck. "It's a hickey. Did I do that this morning? Or last night?" She touches me again. "It's kind of faded." "Ummm, no, actually, you did it one of the nights we were in that village." I smile. She's blushing. "I did not!" She playfully slaps my arm. "Not with Joxer there. Xena, there's no way." I take a deep breath. "Joxer was dead. You needed comforting. One thing led to another -- it was just one of those things -- an affirmation of life while facing death." I shrug. "Joxer was dead?" Her eyes grow wide. "Why didn't you tell me that when you were telling me about all the other days?" "Like I said, it was a very hard time." I look down. "Argo died, too." "Oh, Xe." She hugs me now. "That must have been really hard on you." "It was," I nod. "Harder than losing Joxer, I hate to admit." "It's okay." She pulls back, looking at me. "Argo was your only friend for a long time, wasn't she? It's only natural you'd be beside yourself if you ever lost her." "Not as beside myself as I was when I lost --" I stop. I don't want to go there. It was hard enough when she died for a few moments during the Mitoa-Thessely war. She doesn't need to know about this. I look down again. "Lost -- who? Xena?" She touches my face, forcing me to look at her. "What are you not telling me?" She pulls me close again, pressing her lips against my ear. "Did I die?" "Yes," I choke out. I can't breathe. It was hard enough during that war, when she was only gone for a few minutes. Losing her for an entire day and night was excruciating. I've no doubt if the day hadn't repeated itself, I would have killed myself. There would have been no point. I realize at that moment that if I ever have to face that day, I will go with her. She doesn't need to know this. "It was just -- really hard." "It's okay." She's still holding me. "It turned out alright. I'm here. We're together." I can hear it in her voice. She wants to make everything be okay. I can give that to her. I pull back and think of the morning just past, and I smile. "We are. Everything is fine. Don't worry about me. It's over." "It's such a nice day." She sounds relieved. "The sun's out, the birds are singing, and we have more stew for dinner tonight." She's right. Suddenly, everything is okay. "Naked bards to dunk." I laugh evilly and playfully push her head under. "Xena!" She comes up, spitting out a mouthful of water. "I'm going to get you for that!

"Only if you can catch me!" I take off, swimming as fast as I can. It's time to play, and she will catch me. Because I'm going to let her. After that -- I grin. She can do whatever she wants to with me. The day is only half over. It's time to seize it. And the blonde. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Next in the BTL series - "All That We Let In" (post "The Dirty Half Dozen")

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