How DO you fit five bedrooms, three maids rooms, six bathrooms, six terraces, a library, a sitting room, a dining room, several walk-in closets, and a private gallery all in one apartment? We know you were wondering...

The hippest house on the Upper East Side offers a luxurious rooftop terrace, four bedrooms, a library, chef's kitchen, staff suite, gym, seven wood-burning fireplaces, and serious élan for a mere $38.5 mil.

Well, someone is getting fancy. Julian Schnabel has hired Brown Harris Stevens, the hoity real-estate brokers that market big-time rich-people properties like 15 Central Park West, to sell the remaining units of his pink palace, the Palazzo Chupi (above). Sure, this makes sense, since the condos are in the range of $27–$32 million, but when we heard it we were a little disapointed, since it doesn't really jibe with the Schnab's bohemian, pajamas-wearing style. Except! Max Abelson over at Observer tells us the agents he picked are virtual neophytes: a sales associate named Debra Ortega, whose son his sons met at camp who has never actually had her own listing, and Paddington M. Zwigard, an agent who has never sold an apartment over $10 million, whom we imagine Schnabel chose for her awesome name. See, the Schnab is all about people and the feelings he gets from people, not stuffy stuff like credentials. “I think what he wants is a community that’s comparable to his lifestyle,” Ortega told the Observer, “someone he would feel keen about being neighbors with. I don’t think he’s going to judge if you’re a banker or artist or a top global realtor.” What about money? Does he judge you if you don't have enough to actually buy in the Palazzo? Because that wouldn't really jibe with his bohemian style, either. Maybe he should think about that and about the bloggers who really deserve to be in his community. We're just saying.
Schnabel’s Palazzo Goes Mainstream With $59 M. in Broker Listings [NYO]

Philip Falcone, the man behind Harbinger Capital Partners, one of the activist hedge funds that recently acquired a large stake in the New York Times, has outdone his partner, noted vagilante Scott Galloway. Falcone and his wife have officially purchased the Guccione mansion, the Post tells us today, for $49 million. In cash. The townhouse, which is on East 67th Street between Fifth and Madison, has 27 rooms, including a massive full-floor master bedroom with a study, a solarium and private terrace, a theater, a wine cellar, a "dance" room, a garden with a greenhouse, a sauna, servants' quarters, eleven bathrooms, eight fireplaces, and, according to the Observer, a "massive, shimmering Roman-style pool." Still, "It’s odd to talk about houses like this," the Corcoran agent who previously handled the listing told the Observer, "but that house had an odd energy to it … Whenever people brought in children, they were ready to leave." Well, yeah. Think of the things that must have gone on in that pool.THE $49M TOWN HOUSE [NYP]
Bob Guccione's Old Mansion, Despite 'Odd Energy,' Closes for $49 M. [NYO]

Notoriously prickly hedge-fund manager Daniel Loeb has finally closed on his $45 million penthouse at 15 Central Park West. The five-bedroom, five-bathroom (plus two half-bathrooms!) apartment on the 39th floor is 10,674 square feet, and that's not including the 709-foot wraparound terrace. It also comes with access to a 75-foot lap pool, around which Loeb can hobnob with neighbors Sting, Denzel Washington, and Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein; a screening room; English-oak-paneled library; formal dining room (with a private in-house chef); climate-controlled wine rooms (keep your Gewürztraminer chilled!); and a general sense of extreme self-satisfaction, especially if you pay for it in cash, as Loeb did. One issue, though: Loeb's views of the park will be obstructed by views of Sandy Weill's $42.4 million apartment. Well, even the rich sometimes suffer, a little.
15 CPW ALERT! Loeb's $45 M. 'Panorama' [NYO]
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