I really like his personality but I can’t get past the beer gut

I really like his personality but I can’t get past the beer gut

Kate de Brito

–,
Wednesday,
February,
20,
2013,(8:11am)

Dear Bossy: Long time reader, first time writer. I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

I’m stuck in a bit of a predicament and I’m hoping you and your readers might help me out. I’ve been seeing a boy for the past few weeks, we both work for the same company and get along really well. The only problem is his weight.

Now, before anyone jumps on the shallow bandwagon, I’ll start off with I’m attracted to his personality, and i mean a lot. He’s kind, caring and he’ll go out of his way to help me if possible. We have fun and share common interests. I really value these traits but when it comes to being intimate, I can’t help but be turned off by his body. I guess I’m attracted to the inside, but not the outside. I don’t expect someone I date to be absolutely ripped with a 6 back (would be a bonus for all us ladies though!) but I prefer someone that looks after themselves. I’m quite fit and spend a lot of time staying that way. It makes me feel more confident in the bedroom, but I also like to look good for the other person.

He’s currently going to the gym daily, but he does mostly weights (meaning he’s not losing weight, just building muscle around his arms) All of his weight is around his stomach (beer gut kinda look) and there’s quite a lot. It’s really putting me off when his gut gets in the way or he presses me against him (even hugging puts me off)

Now normally I’d consider myself shallow for thinking like this, but around a week ago when we were talking about work mates, I brought up a rather large girl we work with. I was referring to something funny this girl and I did at work and he said ‘that was gross, please don’t ever get as fat as her, it’s not attractive.’

Double standards, I think.

He’s now put me in a position where I need to choose to break off what we’re doing and just be friends, or continue what we’re doing and it likely go somewhere. I’m stuck because I’m really attracted to his personality but I can’t get past his belly (literally)

I’m not too sure what way to go about it. I feel like if I really want to make this work, I need to say something. If I just wait it out, I’ll end up resenting him and hurting us both. But at the same time, I don’t want to just go back to being friends.

I’d really appreciate both you and your readers advice on this matter. I’m hoping I didn’t come off harsh.

Thanks for your time.

-Shallow(?)

Bossy says: You know what I think? I think you have unrealistic expectations of love. I think you have been deluded by Hollywood, or your friends, or a society that say ‘you’re the best, you can have whatever you want!’ into believing you can in fact have whatever you want. And by having whatever you want I mean everything you’ve ever dreamed of, right down the flowers you’ll be holding at your wedding and how big the ring . But while I’m all for girl power and think you can go out to achieve almost anything you want, I don’t think sometimes we can be greedy..

I don’t want to be harsh either. I’m a woman; I get you don’t want his fat, hairy belly rubbing you in all the wrong places. I get that this is an actual turn off for you. But I think you need to beware the temptation to toss in something pretty good in search of something perfect.

I’m not suggesting you ‘settle’, but I am suggesting some things grow and deepen the longer you know a person. Things like them not having the all-time best body, or job, or having a stupid laugh or being a bad dancer can miraculously fade into insignificance once you come to truly care about another person.

The bit that stands out for me about your letter is you really like the guy. You like who he is. And that sort of connection can be hard to find.

Of course there are many relationships that include a strong connection and don’t include romance. You can simply be great friends. But clearly you have romantic feelings, some sexual interest in this man otherwise you would be happy to relegate him back into the basket of ‘just good mates’.

There is no such thing as the perfect man or woman or realtionship. And when you meet someone you really like you should be careful nto to toss them aside because they do not tick every single box.

I think if you like someone you need to be perepared to look past imprefections. That doesn’t mean just swallowing your bile if you feel disgusted by someone’s body. But it means maybe after a while when you have stronger feelings you will look at his not-so-great-gut and only think of way he always makes you laugh, or treats you with great gentleness, or some other real and important trait.

Looks do matter. Of course they do. If you’re not drawn to someone physically it can be hard to form a lasting connection. But just don’t be too hasty. Feelings can grow. And bodies can change.

There is no guarantee that a six pack will not turn to fat and no guarantee that your boyfriend will not pick up his cardio and drop seven kilos this year. Who knows, but a hot fit girlfriend might be just the thing to tempt him onto the treadmill. You could always suggest training together, or even training for some sort of event, like a triathlon or a fun run.

Get him running, sure. But don’t run away from someone you like just because you’re not 100 percent satisfied. Fussiness usually doesn’t beget a really perfect boyfriend; it usually begets no boyfriend at all.

Have Your Say

Oh, how they are everywhere… “Oh no, I could never go out with her, she’s too fat.”

And men wonder why women cheat on them, leave them, or divorce them.

Sexual attraction is a powerful force, and sadly men don’t realise that the reason women LEAVE MEN, I’d even say the MAJORITY of the time, is due to a lack of sexual attraction - physical or otherwise.

He needs to know you don’t find him attractive or he will do nothing about his body.

You don’t have to be harsh about it, I’m just saying be ‘truthful’ about the true nature of women and sexual attraction, because I bet at the moment he’s lying to himself unknowingly, under that old incorrect societal assumption ‘looks don’t matter to women, it’s only my job/money/power that matter.’

People like other people who are a) Attractive b) Interesting c) Kind.

This is always the case whether a woman (or man) is 20 or 50.

It’s that sort of fear mongering ‘oh your looks will go then you’ll have nothing’ that makes women marry guys they don’t love, in haste, at age 29, only to divorce him a few years later when they have the kids.

Surely you don’t want to live in that kind of world...?

People should wait till they find the right one, plain and simple.

He could just be bulking, if you can’t handle him during his bulk phase you certainly don’t deserve him during his cut.

Just a quick note on fat burning, it is a misconception that hitting the treadmill and doing extensive cardio burns fat more than weight training. Weight training using predominately compound (multiple muscle groups) at a high tempo short rest burns considerably more fat, assists in speeding up your metabolic rate and gaining lean muscle.
You don’t have to slog away doing hours of cardio a day, 20-30 minutes of interval based cardio work or circuit training with kettle bells, core, abdominal and body weight movements combined with compound weight training will shred the fat and burn the calories.

Dumb B!tch doesn’t realise that you loose the most weight during anarobic exercises, such as weights. Just tell him to focus on his abs and you’ll be right. How’s about a bit of honesty? I doubt he’s so fragile that you can’t tell him what you truely think. Grow some nuts!

Well all the best, tragically, life impacts in many ways, and while you figure a beer gut is a problem, and your only communication appears to be with a columnist rather than the person you are in relationship with! Why not text him LOL, actually, for his sake, better you go and the sooner the better.
Now 63 and having recovered from massive surgery and 8 months of Chemo, I have a gut to, and I know many women post caesar surgery with similar problems. So, I hope your life is not impacted in ways that change your looks or figure.
I work in alternative therapies and it is my experience that many, beautiful, trim, taut, terrific women have huge self worth and anxiety issues; go figure, and we thought that was the holy grail!

Well all the best, tragically, life impacts in many ways, and while you figure a beer gut is a problem, and your only communication appears to be with a columnist rather than the person you are in relationship with! Why not text him LOL, actually, for his sake, better you go and the sooner the better.
Now 63 and having recovered from massive surgery and 8 months of Chemo, I have a gut to, and I know many women post caesar surgery with similar problems. So, I hope your life is not impacted in ways that change your looks or figure.
I work in alternative therapies and it is my experience that many, beautiful, trim, taut, terrific women have huge self worth and anxiety issues; go figure, and we thought that was the holy grail!

When I met the love of my life, he was 20 or more kilos bigger, with a beer belly and soon after meeting returned from a holiday where he’d suffered an allergic reaction and was now, big and spotty. But, I liked him, so I didn’t care, even though I knew he felt uncomfortable. I looked past all that and found the things about him that made him sexy and had lots and lots of sex with him. Within a few months he’d lost nearly all of the 20 kilos of extra weight he had and he was as sexy on the outside as I had made him feel and though he was, he still is. Seems to me, if you want a sexy man, treat him like one and he’ll do the rest, oh, and the lots and lots of sex really helps.

If ‘Australian Woman’ were in the dictionary, a typical definition would be: Full of self importance, subtlety lacking, a distinct lack of self awareness as well expectations that illustrate the absolute height of vanity. Get a grip love, or you’ll end up a lonely old biddy I assure you.

OP, when you get old, you’re going to look like a bag of dog food. Think youre beautiful forever ? The aging process will level you out a bit - then I bet you wished you stuck with your fat BF. And men age better than women also.

In the OP’s post, there is comment ‘please don’t ever get that fat like her’. Isn’t that telling you he is actually not that nice person? Meaning if YOU get fat, he won’t want to be with you? You say he nice to you and do caring things to you, but is it because of your physical appearance?

FYI: Hitting the gym to work muscle has proven to be better for fat loss than cardio. The problem with most people is their diet/nutrition intake. Maybe suggest that you eat healthier meals together. Its also frequency of the meals. Every two to three hours. I suggest you try to get him to go online and jump on bodybuilding.com and have him read up on some different plans designed by a trainer named Kris Gethin. He has a 12 week program, that includes cardio, intense weight training and a strict nutrition plan. This way he will continue weights, but also lose weight.

The fact that he told you not to get as fat as the other lady, shows this man is a terrible human being. I can’t understand why you could be attracted to his personality after a comment like that. Do this man (and yourself) a favour and break it off. Make sure you point out that you find his belly physically repulsive and the hypocritical comment he made about you not putting on weight is what confirmed your decision to stop seeing him. What a creep!

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