Aim away from face

Mike - 11:15am on Tuesday November 29th 2005

For some reason, perhaps due to our increasingly litigation-happy society, Spar Lemonade bottles now carry a banner of warnings reminiscent of a child's toy. "Open with care, pointing away from face" it tells us. "Do not use mechanical aids." Ah yes, all those fatal cranium impacts caused by exploding lemonade bottles must be a big concern - especially for those muppets trying to open their soft drinks with a vice.

What next? "Be careful not to trip over your Sherbet Dib-Dab"?

Bach da yo.

Meanwhile, productionmeister Andrew and I have been formulating our plans for a Bach-based movie epic. Not like Amadeus, mind, but factual - with plenty of sizzling plot twists to make sure an award is in the Cannes (doh). Now Bach (JS) didn't lead a particularly riveting life, but there's still plenty to satisfy a mainstream director's checklist: sex scenes (he did have 20 kids, after all); violence (the Geyersbach scrap); and death (coming home after a journey to find that his wife had thrown a seven).

Of course, casting is vital, but we've already found a man so perfect for the role, he was practically born into a powdered wig. And that man is Robbie Coltrane. Say what?! Well, not for his part in gritty crime dramas, but for his marvellous portrayal of Samuel Johnson in Blackadder III. Inject a trace of German accent, get him to call everyone "greenhorn bassoonists" and we're sorted.

And the music! Oh, the music. Let's see: rambunctious harpsichord throttling from the Italian Concerto for fight scenes; movements from the Brandenburgs as Bachster struts about; and incredibly inspiring soft Cello Suite pieces for the sentimental interludes. It cannot fail. A blend of Bach's inimitable polyphony and raw counterpoint mastery, with fair maidens of virtue true playing bit parts on the set - can it get any better?