Reunion e-mail unleashes hounds of hell

WHETHER we remember it through old photo albums, during conversations with long-lost friends, or while under deep hypnosis in the hands of a trained therapist, all Digital Slobs have a past.

Sometimes that past hits an even number, and with the precision of an atomic clock, the hounds of hell are released from classmates.com to drag us back for a reunion.

Now, I'm not going to say exactly which high school reunion is coming up -- it could be my 20th, or my 220th. Let's just say Mozart had a presence at our senior prom -- could've been "Symphony No. 29 in A Major" or Falco's "Rock Me Amadeus" -- I'll never tell.

Still, making it to the actual event hinges on airfare and on whether my "Bear Claws Diet" finally starts reaping dividends. But, I sent in responses to my class survey, anyway:

How many places have you lived since school? 8.

How many times has your body been pierced? At my first job, I stabbed myself with thumb tacks three times before Human Resources agreed to get my department a bulletin board that uses magnets.

How many times have you been married? I bet these last two questions weren't on the questionnaire for the class of '48, were they? I've only been married once ... but, as everybody knows, I'm a BIG procrastinator.

What is your occupation? Columnist/trained assassin.

Best moment since graduation? It's a tie. I married the girl of my dreams. I also won an auction on eBay -- once. And, just to be clear, I am describing two separate events.

Most exciting thing done since school? Years ago, I moved to the Virgin Islands and, realizing I had imprisoned myself in a workplace insane asylum roughly 48 hours after filling out my W-2 form, I shaved my head, drank at least nine beers a day and drove hazardously around steep, winding mountain roads in an old Honda Civic that had brakes living on borrowed time -- all the while, praying that fate's sweet, sweet release was waiting just around the next corner.

Dumbest thing done since school? See above.

Did you go to college? If so, where? Yes, Louisiana Tech and the University of Tennessee. But don't bother checking. They'll deny it. Both get federal funding and it's all part of that trained-assassin thing -- it's complicated.

How many children do you have? 0* (*estimated).

If you were king for a day, what rule would you make? All fast-food restaurants must hang planter boxes filled with ketchup under their drive-thru windows. We just paid you $7.86 -- don't make us beg.

What is the one thing you most want to do before you die? It'd be nice to see the Great Wall of China. Wait, hold on. ... OK, I just did on Google Earth. That was cool! OK, I'm all set.

What was your most embarrassing moment of high school? Bending over to pick up my pencil during my SATs after eating a LOT of sausages for breakfast.

What is your best high school memory? Again, it's a tie. Once a girl told me she thought I was the coolest guy ever. I was also the first in my typing class to break 80 words per minute. And again, just to be clear, I am describing two separate events.