I want to control a partner’s orgasms. It’s not a dealbreaker; I’d still be with someone who wasn’t into it. I asked The Bunny ages ago if he would consent to giving me this control – as outlined above – and he said yes.

And not only does he apparently not get the concept of asking vs. telling, I’m also pretty sure he’s never actually jerked off when I told him to. If it was a matter of him being at work or out with friends when I asked, that would be understandable. But most of the time he was at home, alone, but just “too tired” or “not in the mood” or blah blah blah, and he’d tell me “not right now but I’ll see when I can get to it.” I didn’t push, because I feel like an orgasm is a capricious thing that you can’t push someone into* the way you could, say, push them to do the dishes. I’m not so much angry that The Bunny didn’t force himself, I’m angry that – after the first time or two that he put me off – he didn’t come to me and say “Yep, it turns out I am not willing to wank on command; there are a bunch of factors there that I didn’t foresee that make it not work for me. We should probably accept that orgasm control is not a dynamic we can feasibly do.” Or, hell, maybe being pushed into an unwilling wank is totally a fantasy of his (I doubt it, but who knows) – in which case he should have told me that he needs a firmer hand (heh) in order for this to work. Probably a need to be forced would be a dealbreaker for me – that level of micromanagement and nagging feels like work to me, not sexy fun. But at least I’d know to stop beating my head against this particular brick wall.

Things kind of came to a head for me today when I texted him in the morning telling him to leave me a voicemail (and by “leave me a voicemail” I mean “wank into the phone for me to listen to later”. That’s always what that means. We don’t call each other). I figured he was currently getting ready for work, but I didn’t really know what his timeline was like; I would never ask him to be late for his life obligations in order to jerk off for me. So I didn’t actually mean “wank for me right now“. More like “wank for me at your earliest possible convenience – and if that’s right now, awesome.” I didn’t say that though because in my experience, if there’s the slightest reason not to wank, he won’t. It’s not like he’ll ruin his own life doing this for me unless I specifically tell him not to.

Me: Oh right. [I’d forgotten about that. The Bunny took someone’s night shift just for today, for extra pay.]

Bunny: So my weekend time is FUCKED. I basically do what running around I need to do this morning, nap in afternoon, work overnight, then home and sleep.

Me[starting to feel pretty pissed off because srsly? He’s not even working until this evening but he can’t find ten minutes out of the day to do a thing he agreed to do for me?]: Meh, forget it then.

Bunny: I’ll see if I can, but I don’t want you expecting like 20 voicemails.

[I wasn’t expecting 20 voicemails, especially not now that I remembered about The Bunny’s night shift. All I was expecting was for him to spend ten fucking minutes, sometime in the course of the next twelve hours, doing something that is in fact pleasurable to him. Something he’d willingly agreed to do for me on demand. Something he told me he habitually did twice a day before we entered into our agreement. The fact that he used to jerk it twice a day when left to his own devices but can’t spare even one for me when I ask him to is bullshit. It feels like a power play and I don’t like it. At the very least, he’s not prioritizing me as highly as I’d like: I want a sub for whom doing a small task that makes me happy (a quick task that he likes ffs…) comes ahead of running errands and surfing the internet (because yeah…he was on FetLife this morning after I sent him that initial text. So, clearly not leaping out of bed hellbent on being productive to the exclusion of all else…). And the whole “I’ll try to get to it, but no guarantees” thing struck me as kind of condescending, or as if he saw this as a grim obligation rather than a thing that contributes positively to his life. And so:]

Me: I do not think orgasm control is a thing that works for us. Leave voicemails or don’t. I’m not going to pretend anymore that I have any influence on this because it’s clear that I pretty much don’t.

The Bunny did not text any kind of response to this, but an hour and a half later I got a brand new wankmail. It seems he somehow found a spare 10-20 minutes to jerk off, after all.

I was wanting more voicemails from The Bunny so I could add to the two already in my inbox – I feel like I might want to get off sometime soon but my libido and responses are being bastards lately so I figured I’d need a mini-marathon of hot Bunny sounds to push me over the edge. And if he’d obediently done this for me when I asked and because I’d asked, I probably would’ve “used” the message(s) by now to get off a whole bunch.

But he didn’t happily obey me from the get-go the way I wanted. I don’t believe he was going to do this thing for me today at all; I think he only caved when he realized I was getting pissed off. And although I guess I appreciate the effort, I can’t really feel any hotness there, y’know? I don’t know whether I’ll be able to use these messages I’ve collected for their intended purpose.

In theory, the fact that he left me wankmail after all, even when he originally told me he wouldn’t have time, means that jerked off solely to make me happy – he did a thing he didn’t really want to do, just for me. This is a concept I enjoy on a D/s level – but not like this. Not as a last-ditch effort to keep me from possibly yelling at him. Or in a way the wankmail was an apology, and apologies can be terribly hot to me; but the hotness of an apology is in the tone of voice and/or begging for forgiveness. If he’d made an apology speech while jerking off, that might have gotten my motor running.

As it is, the shiny thing I coveted is no longer shiny and I feel like that’s The Bunny’s fault and it’s got me in a foul mood.

But at the same time, I appreciate that he ultimately did what I asked. Arguably, he didn’t realize before that this was important to me, but once he did, he hurried to comply with my demands. It would’ve hurt way more if he’d just been like “FINE THEN” and not done it at all.

I’m not really angry at The Bunny. I’m angry at the situation. I’m sick to death of being the testing ground for newbies who don’t know what they want, kinkwise – especially since the “tests” usually end up proving that no, the guy does not enjoy what I enjoy, do not pass go, do not collect a fulfilling D/s dynamic. Surely to god there’s gotta be some guy out there who’s never been in a D/s relationship but who’s already worked out more-or-less what he wants and will actually turn out to enjoy it when it happens, but I sure as hell haven’t met him.

Ultimately, I texted The Bunny to thank him for the lovely gift (and it is a gift, since by that point I’d rescinded the orgasm control and he was free to do as he wished). This acknowledgement of his apology/appeasement/whateverthefuck got us on track again and we continued sporadically texting each other as though nothing had happened. I do want to hash out our whole orgasm control comedy of errors at some point, but I think it should be done in person, not via text while The Bunny works a stressful night shift.

The Bunny is awesome in many ways. I may even love him. But he doesn’t give me the feeling of ownership I crave. I want a boy who wants to be mine, and I’m not talking about monogamy or marriage but simply about the vibe that happens when we’re together. I felt it once with The Bunny, while he was riding my strap-on and things got really heated and he asked me (breathlessly, between moans) “Am I a good boy?” – but generally, in everyday life? No. Perhaps the concept of ownership is only appealing to him when he’s horny. I don’t know.

So it’s clear to me that I need to find MOAR SUBS. But I’m frankly feeling pretty cynical about my chances. Kinda seems like all the experienced guys with the good-sounding attitudes are a thousand years old (and look it) and the cute/youngish guys are all “Durrrrrrrr I wanna try kinky stuff with a hot lady! I never done that b4!”

Goddamn, I’m grouchy today. And it’s not even PMS-time for another week at least.

*I do believe, though, that somewhere out there is a submissive so into the idea of being controlled that the idea of masturbating when he’s “too tired” or “not in the mood” because I fucking said so would perversely turn him on and he would get the job done, barring super hardcore circumstances like being in public or having the stomach flu (and I’d never knowingly ask at those times, anyway).

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9 responses to “Grrrrrrrr.”

I remember you saying The Bunny was a switch, but I can’t remember if he’s a dom or just a sadist/rope top. If he’s a dom, maybe try asking him what he’d do if he were topping someone who treated orders about orgasming the way he’s treating your orders? Then maybe you can see what’s going on in his mind based on how he replies (“I’d never give that order”, “I wouldn’t care because it was just a game”, “I’d be upset at myself for not enforcing the order by doing x”, “I’d be pissed off”, etc.)

As a sub, I seem to have pretty similar ideas about orgasm control as you and I know I like it put into practice that way, but well, woman on the other side of an ocean here, so that’s not helping you at all…

It does help, actually, to know that someone else approaches these things the same way I do. When things keep on fucking up in the same way, it’s easy for me to get paranoid and start wondering whether I’m the only one in the damn world who conducts this particular kink in this particular way and I’ll never find anyone compatible. 😛

Yeah, this spoke to me, and I feel like it’s something that doesn’t get talked about much- everyone’s so darn focused on ‘how do I find a femdom!?’ that I sometimes wonder if what to do with us when we’re found is not something that gets thought about at all- like we’re so scarce but at the same time like finding us is the only step one needs.

And there’s not much support or recourse for this sort of thing, because getting a dom side D/s stroking is treated like it all hinges on the dominant’s skill and the best advice that ever seems to be offered is either the sensible non-advice (Some people just aren’t into that! don’t push!) or suggestions for leaping through more hoops to make the submissive party more comfy or ‘feel more submissive’, and a lot less emphasis on making doms feel dominant.

YES. Yes to all of this. Just because I’m the dominant one doesn’t mean I have sole responsibility for making things go smoothly.- I wish more subs understood that they need to actively contribute, too. In The Bunny’s case, by telling me ages ago that the orgasm control thing didn’t feel right to him, after all, so let’s maybe stop doing it.

Instead I tried to have a few talks with him about it, but gave up because he kept dodging my questions. Then I spent a while wracking my brains trying to figure out if I should be harsher and more demanding with him, or if that would be inappropriate, or what. And finally I was the one who put an end to the orgasm control thing. I fucking hate doing all the work like this. I want a partner in tune with himself enough to know, pretty rapidly, when something isn’t working – and forthright enough to say so.