choices

A client recently noticed that she was continuing to let her sister tell her what to do. At the end of lamenting, she said the same thing she says every time this comes up, “I wonder why I do that?”

How many times have you asked yourself “Why?”

“Why did I blow off my walk today?”

“Why did I play video games instead of working on my job search?”

“Why did I finish that whole bag of peanut M&Ms?”

“Why, why, why?”

“Why?” is a strategy to stay stuck inside your comfort zone. When you ask, “Why is my apartment such a mess?” conversation shuts down and you end up going in the opposite direction of your destination. Suddenly you’re exploring the past, your mental woes and all the bad things that could have caused this when all you really wanted was a clean apartment.

“Why?” is a great diversion as it sends you on a journey to figure out what happened to cause this pattern of behavior.

You’re doing a great thing, right? You’re healing the past and your hurts.

Let’s say that you actually do figure out “why” you’re eating all those peanut M&Ms. Great!!!

Ok, now what? You know the “why,” so what?

Does knowing “why” help break out of the pattern that is keeping you stuck?

Nope. And you can tell by the results you’re getting.

So how do you break out of the analysis paralysis of “WHY?” Here are 4 simple steps:

Practice noticing when “Why?” shows up. This can be tricky because we are so used to stopping when it shows up. Hint- Are feeling stuck? Are you thinking about the past?

When you notice you’re stuck in “Why?,” stop, take a breath and tell yourself, “It doesn’t matter “Why?” or “Who cares?!” or “Frankly Scarlet, I don’t give a darn!”

Remember the old cheer, A-C-T-I-O-N, ACTION, ACTION, WE WANT ACTION! Ask yourself, “What is the next right action I can take RIGHT NOW, that will get me closer to my goal?”

Then DO IT, no matter how small.

For example, say you are miserable in your current job and are ready and anxious to find a new one. Instead of updating your resumé, like you said you would, you’re sitting on the couch playing video games, for the third time this week!

You hear yourself saying, “I did it again! WHY do I keep doing this?!” Instead of analyzing, get into action. Shut down the video game and grab your computer. Set a timer for 20 minutes and get to work on your resumé. When time’s up, set the timer again and give yourself permission to play video games for 20 minutes. Continue this pattern until the resumé is done.

The only way to break this or any pattern of behavior is to stop letting yourself get sucked into the “Why?” and get into action.

I hope this helps you to leave the drama of the “Whys?” behind and move toward designing your destiny!

It can be difficult to watch people struggle, especially someone we love and care about. Our first response is likely to want to fix or save them.

However, consider the following:

In our struggles are lessons. If we rescue others (or wait for rescue), they (we) can miss the lesson that is waiting for them (us). That lesson may keep them (us) from making the same mistake over again.

When we practice taking responsibility for our lives, we learn that we are strong and resilient as we come out on the other side. We not only rob someone of that feeling of accomplishment when we rush to rescue, we keep them from building their self-confidence.

We are not the Happiness Police. It is not our job to make sure everyone around us is happy.
Sometimes we need to be unhappy or angry or frustrated or …insert feeling here… Sometimes we need to let others be in and work through their stuff.

Rescuing creates dependence. Are we afraid if this person becomes independent they won’t need us anymore? Do we get our self-worth from taking care of them? We need to address our motives when creating this dynamic in a relationship.

Rescuing and trying to fix sends the message that they are not capable of taking care of themselves.

What CAN we do?

Let them know that they are not alone and the door is open if, and when, they need support. It’s up to them to walk through that door, it’s not our job to carry them through.

Allow them to practice asking for what they need rather than trying to figure it out for them. Be empathetic, listen and try not to “fix” their problem.

Courtesy of Fabquote.co

What if YOU are struggling?

Ask yourself, “What do I need to process these thoughts and emotions?” Then practice reaching out to someone who is “holding the door open” and make a request for support.

It’s amazing what happens when we are given the space to feel how we feel with no judgement.

I’m reminded of the story about a butterfly. (Take a moment to read Paulo Coehlo’s version of the story below)

If we want to fly, we must first be willing to struggle out of our cocoon.

What’s harder, sometimes, is we must allow others to do the same.

The Lesson of the Butterfly December 10, 2007 By Paulo Coelho

A man spent hours watching a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. It managed to make a small hole, but its body was too large to get through it. After a long struggle, it appeared to be exhausted and remained absolutely still.

The man decided to help the butterfly and, with a pair of scissors, he cut open the cocoon, thus releasing the butterfly. However, the butterfly’s body was very small and wrinkled and its wings were all crumpled.

The man continued to watch, hoping that, at any moment, the butterfly would open its wings and fly away. Nothing happened; in fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its brief life dragging around its shrunken body and shrivelled wings, incapable of flight.

What the man – out of kindness and his eagerness to help – had failed to understand was that the tight cocoon and the efforts that the butterfly had to make in order to squeeze out of that tiny hole were Nature’s way of training the butterfly and of strengthening its wings.

Sometimes, a little extra effort is precisely what prepares us for the next obstacle to be faced. Anyone who refuses to make that effort, or gets the wrong sort of help, is left unprepared to fight the next battle and never manages to fly off to their destiny.

In the election this week, the popular vote was split down the middle between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

We have seen Trump supporters cheering and Hillary supporters crying.

Photo courtesy Getty Images

I have friends and family who are Trump supporters. I know them to be good people and they truly believe that he is the answer to get this country back on track.

I also have friends and family who are Hillary supporters. They are also good people who feel the country is on the right track and they believe Donald Trump will derail it.

Our country is truly divided right now but it’s not the first time.

According to Ron Chernow’s book, Hamilton, this has been the case in America since its inception. Even the founding fathers didn’t agree on everything.

That’s what makes our country great.

Photo courtesy of Matt Rourke/AP Photo

We are allowed the freedom to debate our beliefs and ideas.

But who’s right and who’s wrong? They are both right and wrong.

No one person or group has the right to push their ideology on others. I know I get angry and resentful the minute someone tells me how I should be living my life.

All of us, not just our representatives, need to start listening to each other. We need to stop talking, get our anger in check and start trying to understand our fellow human beings. Especially those whose opinions are different than ours.

I believe we are more alike than we are different.

Most of us want to make a decent living, have access to affordable healthcare, raise our families in a safe environment, and enjoy the freedoms that this country was founded on.

And, each side has a different idea of how to get there.

The founders of this country knew that compromise needed to be part of the solution. The art of compromise is that neither party walks away totally happy but they are each able to live with the deal at hand.

Hamilton the musical is based on Ron Chernow’s book

One of those deals is what landed our capitol in Washington DC.

Try this today, stop talking and be curious about someone who is different than you. Ask questions and listen, really listen.

Q: I would love to switch to a whole food, plant-based diet but I’m afraid that I won’t be able to get my family on board. How did you handle that?

A: This is a question I get a lot lately.

My children are adults and on their own so I only cook for my husband, Mike, and myself.

When I told Mike I was thinking about giving up meat and dairy, he was supportive. He also made it clear that he had no intention of following suit.

I have a tendency to rebel when something is pushed on me so I knew better that to fight him on this.

We made a deal that I would still cook meat for him and not judge or guilt him when he ate cheese or his nightly bowl of ice cream. He agreed to try the food I made for myself.

He was also supportive by asking me to share what I was learning in my CHIP classes.

We were both shocked to learn that not only is there more cholesterol in chicken than there is in beef but that our liver produces all we need. We do not need to ingest any additional cholesterol to survive!

At that point, Mike was eating at least 2 eggs for breakfast most days.

Even though this alarmed me, I said nothing.

One day, he said, “Dear, I think I would like to cut down on the number of eggs I’m eating. Could we maybe find something more healthy for me to eat for breakfast? But it has to taste good.”

Music to my ears!

The first hot cereal we tried was a miss.

Breakfast in the 1000 Islands

Then we tried a hot cornmeal cereal that has dates, lemon zest and pumpkin pie spice (see photo above). That was a winner for both of us!

Now, most mornings, he has the cereal topped with berries. And he loves it!

He has also started snacking on raisins and peanuts instead of cheese.

Most of the food I make for myself, he enjoys. There have even been times when I’ve had to ask him not to eat all of my food.

If I was constantly preaching, trying to guilt or push him to change his diet, this probably would have gone a completely different direction.

Just like it had to be my choice to change, I have to give him the space to make his own choices.

As a coach, it’s not my job to tell my clients what I think they should do. We all need to choose and own our choices.

Giving others the space to make their own choices can be challenging. Especially when we think we know what’s right for them.

Courtesy of RunForYourSole.com

There are times when we learn best by making our own mistakes. And sometimes the mistakes that others think we are making turn out to be the best decisions ever.

And if I judge others for not following what I’m doing, then they will likely do the same to me.

It’s not up to us to police the world. It’s up to us to do what we think is right and allow others to do the same.

Since I last posted about my journey with food, I felt like I was wandering aimlessly and at the end of my rope.

I felt hopeless and helpless when it came to my weight. I had lost 9 lbs. since the beginning of the year but now it seemed the only way to get the scale to move was to starve myself.

I needed support and a plan but which one?!

I was confused by all of the ads. Oprah loves Weight Watchers, Marie Osmond loves Nutrisystem. Even Dr. Oz seemed to have a different health expert every day, tout the benefits of their weight loss plan.

Everyone had advice for losing weight.

Then I began having bouts of nausea, vomiting and stomach pain. I went for blood tests and an ultrasound to see if I had gallstones.

The ultrasound showed no gallstones but the blood work shocked me.

My cholesterol was 233! Thirty-three points higher than recommended!

My crappy diet was coming back to haunt me and it scared me.

Suddenly this was less about losing weight and more about being healthy.

Photo courtesy MVPPT.com

A dear friend had been telling me about a program that she discovered about a year ago called CHIP.

CHIP stands for Complete Health Improvement Program and is sponsored by Rochester Lifestyle Medicine.

I resisted CHIP at first because it is about adopting a whole food, plant-based diet; no meat, no dairy.

It was hard to imagine life with no steak, butter, eggs, and OMG! No cheese or ice cream!

In my mind that meant food with no flavor and that meant SUFFERING!

But I watched my friend change her life over the last year simply by changing her diet and increasing her activity.

She’s lost 25 lbs. and no longer takes medication for fibromyalgia. She’s 65 years old and looks and acts at least 20 years younger!

And she certainly is NOT suffering!

So I checked out CHIP.

The program is based on studies by top researchers around the world like Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn and T. Colin Campbell. The studies they cite, like the China Study, are not funded by the pharmaceutical companies, the food lobbyists or others with an interest in skewing the results.

The program looked sound and I knew my current lifestyle was leading me down the path to heart disease and likely an early death. It was time to change.

In July, I signed up for CHIP and met 17 other people who were struggling like me.

Twice a week, we learn the truth about the typical American diet and how it contributes to obesity, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, cancer and more.

They share with us the research about how eating a whole food, planted-based diet can reverse disease.

We look at the difference between the typical American diet and what research has found to be the optimal diet for health.

There is no judgment. No one is telling us we HAVE to change. They simply educate us and we decide the changes we want to make.

Some of us have jumped in and embraced the optimal diet. Others have decided to make a few changes each week.

I could not do this on my own.

I need the support of others who are going through the same thing. We encourage each other and talk about how to handle challenges like eating out or dealing with family and friends who are not supportive of our new lifestyle.

Since July 15th, I have been eating the optimal diet and I can honestly say that I love it!

Courtesy of Allison’s Gourmet

My fear of eating bland, tasteless food was totally unfounded!

Along with a textbook and a workbook, they also provided us with a cookbook.

I am having a blast trying new foods and have learned how to change recipes to suit my new lifestyle.

And listen to this: as long as I am eating foods that are part of the optimal diet, I can eat as much as I want!

I feel like I should have gained 20 lbs. because of the amount of food I’m eating. But I’m actually losing weight! It’s crazy!

Am I perfect? Of course not. I eat potato chips and taco chips. And I still have a drink a couple times a week. This may change as time goes on but for now, I’m not going to beat myself up.

After one month of eating a plant-based, low fat diet, I have not only lost 4 1/2 lbs but I have lowered my cholesterol by 32 points! And, no more nausea, vomiting or pain.

It wasn’t easy getting here but it’s getting easier every day! I’m eating food that I love and I know is good for me. Physically I feel better and mentally I feel free!

If you’ve been struggling like I have, check out CHIP and see if it’s right for you.

And feel free to reach out with any questions regarding my experience.

With the rash of shootings and violence going on in the Rochester area, our country and around the world, it’s hard not to be scared these days.

Living in a small town, it’s easy to turn off the TV and say “I don’t want to think about this because it doesn’t effect me.”

Or “I’ll just ignore it and it will go away.”

Or even, “I don’t want to think about this because there is nothing I can do.”

However, I know I need to do something, but what?

According to an expert on peace and nonviolence, Arun Gandhi, “The world is what we have made it. If we change ourselves we can change the world, and changing ourselves begins with changing our language and methods of communication.”

Arun learned from his grandfather, Mahatma Gandhi, that violence occurs everywhere. We may think we live in a world where violence can’t touch us if we only focus on physical violence. I know I feel pretty safe in my neighborhood and in most places I travel.

Photo credit frombulliedtobrilliant.com

However, Arun Gandhi states in Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, that there is a more insidious form of violence, “passive” violence.

This takes the form of speaking to or treating others disrespectfully, name calling, bullying, even eye rolling.

Any act where it causes an emotional hurt is an act of “passive” violence.

I remember being picked on as kid and complaining to my mom. Her advice was to just ignore it and the kids will stop. She was right but it took a while. I can still feel the anger and frustration I felt sitting in silence on the bus as some boys told me how fat and ugly I was.

And it doesn’t just happen to us as kids. Fast forward 35 years and there I am again, sitting in a boardroom having insults thrown at me by a superior.

The old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” is BS!

Gandhi explained that “passive violence ultimately generated anger in the victim who, as an individual or as a member of a collective, responded violently. In other words, it is passive violence that fuels the fire of physical violence.”

With all of the hate speech and negativity being thrown around in the political arena, there has been plenty of fuel being added to the fire lately.

Could it be helping to create the homegrown violence in our country? I believe 100% YES!

We all need to get: Words are powerful.

What we are doing is NOT working. The answer is not more police. The answer is not meeting violence with violence.

It is not our job to try and fix what everyone else is doing. It is our job to be sure WE are doing the right thing.

What can you do to stop passive violence? ~ Stop, take a breath and think before you speak, act or respond to someone. ~ Ask yourself, “How can I respond with kindness and respect?” (Sometimes the best response is no response) ~ Give yourself permission to take a time out, if needed. Step away, collect yourself and then go back to “How can I respond with kindness and respect?”

In my case, I had to leave the toxic situation I was in. Fortunately, I had the love and support of my family and friends and a great therapist to help me sort through the anger, hurt and betrayal I felt. Not everyone has the support or tools to handle those difficult feelings.

Photo credit keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk

Imagine what would be possible if we all practiced treating others with kindness and respect.

I try and meet each person with kindness and respect because I know how it feels when met with the opposite. And most times, people return the favor.

Kindness and respect creates connection and makes for a much more peaceful and productive world.

When it is not returned, I give myself permission to take myself out of the toxic space. I practice choosing to “go high when others go low” (Thank you Michelle Obama!).

We will only stop the out of control violence in our world by knowing that what we say and how we treat others matters just as much as physically injuring someone.

We CAN make a difference. As Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Thanks to all those who have shared with me either through Facebook or in person, what has come up for you as a result of me sharing my weight loss journey.

I’m grateful for the honesty and for the opportunity to know that we are in this together.

Here’s my update:

-I have been consistent with my exercise, running or walking 2.5 to 4 miles at least every other day.
-I have drastically reduced my consumption of sugar, flour and meat.
-I have increased the number of vegetables and fruit I eat.
-I am down 9 lbs.

I even went to NYC for a few days and was able to come home without having gained any weight.

I’m glad I’m writing all of this down because the voice in my head has been very active lately and this is how it has been going:

Me:“I lost 9 lbs!”Voice in my head:“You need to cut down even more so you will lose more, faster. Stop eating sweets and snacks all together, you shouldn’t be eating any of that stuff anyway if you’re really serious about losing weight.”Me: “But I’m ok with how it’s going…”VIMH: “You’re not doing good enough! Look at those people on Facebook who are posting pictures of all the weight they’ve lost. And you’ve only lost a measly 9 lbs.! You have at least another 15 lbs. to lose! You might as well give up now, you know you don’t have the willpower and besides wouldn’t some peanut M & M’s taste real good right now, but you can’t have them because you need to lose weight…”

And on and on and on!

Photo courtesy www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk

Needless to say these thoughts caused a downward spiral as I let them take control.

This felt so familiar.

I could feel that sense of wanting to give up, feeling helpless and hopeless, the feeling that I can never be happy eating food that was good for me and that I will never lose AND keep this weight off.

The next step of this pattern is letting myself have cake to celebrate a birthday, after all it was just one small piece. Then it’s having ice cream 3 nights in a row just because I wanted it.

Suddenly I felt terrible. And I don’t just mean psychologically, I mean physically. I wasn’t sleeping well. I felt bloated.

I felt old. I know I’m getting older but I have never felt old.

Suddenly I realized I had lost track of why I wanted to lose weight in the first place.

After reading Danielle LaPorte’s book, The Desire Map a couple of years ago, I started setting my goals with the idea that it is not the goal I’m actually after, it’s the feeling I will have once I reach that goal.

Posted on my office wall: my vision, how I will feel when I achieve this vision and what I can do to feel those feelings NOW!

Since then, I have not only reached my goals but I have actually enjoyed getting there.

The reason I want to lose weight is because I want to FEEL better! I want to feel confident and empowered.

I noticed that when I eat good healthy foods that is exactly how I feel, confident and empowered both physically and psychologically.

When I binge on cookies, candy, chips and cake, I feel better, temporarily. Then comes a wave of regret and the after effects of all those carbs which includes mental fogginess, bloating and the path to diabetes.

As a volunteer for the program, Step By Step, I helped facilitate workshops for women in jail. The workshop leader and I were there to provide a safe, nonjudgmental space for these women. It was an opportunity for them to open up and be seen.

A majority of the women in jail have experienced physical, verbal and emotional abuse. Many said that this was the first time they could express their feelings without consequence.

It’s programs like Step By Step that show people who are incarcerated that they matter and there is hope. Hope of stopping the cycle of abuse, poverty, addiction and jail.

But programs like Step By Step are few and most (Step By Step included) are grossly underfunded.

Bill Whitaker reports in the CBS 60 Minutes segment entitled Crime And Punishment, “We (the US) have 5% of the world’s population but 25% of its prisoners.”

He also states that we incarcerate more of our nation’s citizens than any other country in the world at a cost of $80 billion per year.

“I don’t matter” is the message a lot of prisoners have gotten all of their lives and our current system reinforces that.

Germany uses a different approach to incarceration. They focus on treating prisoners as human beings and they work to rehabilitate them.

German prison cell. Photo credit: Reuters/Alexandra Beier

Joerg Jesse is a state Director of Prisons in Germany. He says of prisoners,

“If you treat them as if they are your enemy, they will react as enemies.”

In Germany, they create personalized programs for each prisoner that includes counseling, classes, vocational training and work.

As the prisoners work their program, they earn more and more freedom.

The results? Germany spends less and they have 1/2 the recidivism rate of the US.

Is it a perfect system, of course not. But it is working better than our current system.

John Wetzel, the Secretary of Corrections in Pennsylvania, says:

“…we’ve– frankly screwed up the corrections system for 30 years and it’s time to do something different. It really starts with understanding that, you know, a human being’s value isn’t diminished by being incarcerated.”

We need to wake up and see that what we are doing is not working.

What’s it going to take to change this?

We begin by treating criminals like human beings.

Instead of meeting them with anger and retribution, guide them with a strong hand of love and rehabilitation.

Redirect them to a road other than the path of destruction (for them and society) they are currently on.

Ultimately, we have two choices, we can do nothing and continue to watch crime rates, our debt and prison populations grow.

Or we can start a dialogue to let go of the old mindset of “lock them up and throw away the key” and embrace the change needed to make a difference for everyone.

I witnessed first hand, women who came through the Step By Step program, did the work, and changed their lives and the lives of their children forever.

It’s time to stop retribution and reform our prisons. Rehabilitation that includes counseling, education and programs similar to Step By Step are the key to transforming not only our prison system but our communities, society and ultimately the world.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said to a client, “Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just want to be expressed…”

I’ve wasted so much time numbing myself with food because I didn’t want to deal with certain thoughts and emotions.

I use food to help me relax and even celebrate making it through the day. It’s as if it helps me take a deep breath and relax.

Of course, I know better.

When I am in my “I can eat anything I want whenever I want” mode, it isn’t long before I’m numbing my anger, shame, sadness, frustration, boredom, overwhelm etc… and packing on the LB’s.

Then I use even more food to try and feel better. It’s a set up for disaster.

The thing about numbing emotions is that we can’t pick and choose which ones to numb.

When we numb one emotion, we numb them all.

We numb our emotions with drugs, alcohol, food, shopping or today’s most popular numbing activity, being crazy-busy.

In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown says, “…research taught me that there’s no such thing as selective emotional numbing. There is a full spectrum of human emotions and when we numb the dark, we numb the light… We can’t make a list of all of the “bad” emotions and say, “I’m going to numb these” and then make a list of the positive emotions and say, “I’m going to fully engage in these!”

When I numb myself with food, alcohol or busyness, I feel like my world is painted gray.

It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t really enjoy what I’m eating because if everything I eat is special then nothing is special. Do you get what I mean?

As soon I stopped using food to numb my feelings and dull my thoughts, I began to feel and hear everything that I didn’t want to deal with. It was uncomfortable but I survived.

I started by not judging myself. I began meditating again so I could practice separating who I know myself to be from the thoughts in my head.

Choosing to run away from my thoughts and feelings, comes at a cost.

India Arie’s song, Break The Shell, talks about this. She says, “life’s gonna hurt but it’s meant to be felt…” because “we have a choice to live or truly be alive…”

In order to truly be alive, I have to break the shell that I put up to keep the pain away.

Lat Saturday night, we went to a dinner party and the food was amazing! I ate everything I wanted, even a bite of the homemade ooey-gooey, chocolatey, butter and sugar-filled Paula Deen brownies that our hostess made.

I took a bite and savored it. Did I want more?

Hell yes! ButI knew that another bite was not going to taste as good as that first bite.

I have a ways to go before I reach my goal but I’m learning that overcoming my issue with food and my weight (and any other issue) starts with looking at what’s going on inside of me, not judging it. Then I can give myself permission to feel it all.

What is your favorite way to numb yourself? What is it you’re not allowing yourself to feel?