A 78 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it was
amusing enough to have it published in The Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured
to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting
the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor,
and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of
me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons
as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment
fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.