Deep down on some level, I knew I wasn’t fulfilling my musical goals, but I felt that I was decently keeping my heart alive. Now it seems that this too, has bitten me in the ass. As I awaken, and feel more and more compelled to make myself into what I already am; It frustrates me that the act of keeping alive, survival, bears so little fruit. As I begin to compile a portfolio, I can’t stop seeing my lack. I am frustrated that I stopped seeing the value in poetry, because now I sift through my writing, looking for something that could be a song. I’m a writer, and I’m writing; But I still have no idea what I should really write about. There were things I did in survival mode, just to keep the light in my eyes. I hoped it would leave more evidence. I know I’m not being fair, because I’m trying to sift every single thing through one tiny little hole. Even now, I’m still in survival mode, barely beyond.. I remember nurturing my ideas and trying to capture them in some form, even when I didn’t have the energy to do more.

I hate the way that writing and analyzing everything in my world, doesn’t provide the relief and sense of solution that it once did. No matter how far I break it down, there are things that only cause more pain to delve into. This causes me not to crave writing as much as I once did. The night I started the project of my first cover, I started four or five new projects. There is still this daunting, overwhelming feeling that comes over me every time I open the garage band. I don’t know if it’s unfamiliarity with the interface? Or, what it really is. I kind of remember that feeling when it came to photo editing software, but it was less crippling, and I ended up getting over it a lot quicker than I perceive myself to be getting through this.

Suddenly, all the songs I’ve been constantly inspired by, frustrate me. New music doesn’t titillate my senses the same way. It’s like I’m in a moodl But moods are more like weather conditions, and this seems to be looming. Like a drought? Make it rain! I pray again for guidance and direction. I even want to say that maybe it’s because I need to clean my area, but when do I ever actually have a clean area? When I do, I feel the need to make a mess. Those two conditions are like the tide and the moon. See this? And all this!? It’s nothing! It’s trash. What is it? What is it even good for?? I used to think this was something and now I just don’t see it.

I try hard not to be intimidated by what inspires me. I have a friend who has been channeling his whole life and soul into music. I divide my soul across many passions. I can’t help it. I wish I could go all in, and then again, I don’t wish that. LOL, I won’t go all in on the wish, even. I’d rather consider myself a “x” threat than a jack of trades.I admire him so much, and I look up to him. Problem is, the other day I tried to work with him, and my nervousness peaked to new heights, and became crippling. Many of my true feelings came to surface. Like being intimidated. I don’t want to be intimidated by him. I know I have just as much fury and fire as he does. I just don’t have the focus and direction that he does. I think I would put all of myself into one thing if I could clearly discern where to start with making a career of that. I would love to do something I love to do. That would help me give the most time possible to. Fuck, there must be some hidden cache/stash of my creativity that I’ve been keeping in this gap I’m seeing. Damn itt. I know what I did. a FUCKLOAD of stupid skin obsession shit. It’s just;- That can’t be it.

So, and writing is my lane. I’m a great writer. Music is my preferred lane. I don’t want to trash the writing. It plays a major role in music as well. I’m witnessing a friend whose lane is drawing, try to write a story. Night after night, he is compelled to draw in the midst of his writing attempts. Hmmm… That feels awfully familiar. I think it's food for my soul that he strives toward writing, which is what I have, while I am feeling this way about it. I'm a closet attention whore, and writing is so low key.