Friday, September 16, 2011

Had I transitioned at 22 when I first tried, I would have gone deep stealth. It was my plan. I wanted to get as far away from my family as possible.

Anyways I did not transition at 22. I crossed paths with the wrong head shrink and I was not mature enough to see past his bullshit and transition in spite of what he said.

However, had I transitioned then, I very well might have never seen my family again. Neither my family nor I would have been mature enough to handle me transitioning. I can see that clearly now.

Now I am too old to properly pull off stealth, so it is not much of an issue for me actually.

But I am happy in a way.

As I matured so did my family.

When I first came out to my loud and proud lesbian mom we discussed allot of things that are part of many trans peoples lives.

One of the topics that came up was stealth. I had to explain to her what it meant. When I explained to her what stealth was she got a concerned look on her face and said 'that's the closet, please tell me that's not what you want?'

I agreed that that was indeed a form of closeting and that I would not be looking to go stealth. I knew right at that moment that my mother would never respect my choice to go stealth if I decided to go that path.

My mother's respect and admiration mean allot to me. When I came out as Trans, I actually regained my mother's respect and admiration. Before I came out there was a wall between us, put up by me; specifically because of this damn GID issue, I was hiding from the world. I hurt allot of my family to put that wall up, it is rather surprising to me that I was able to reconcile with my family to be honest.

My sister in law, who I feared turning on me the worst, has become a sister to me in many ways since I came out.

Everywhere I turn, the people in my life have treated me rather well since my transition. They finally know what was eating me all those years and see that I have done something to fix it. They see I am indeed much happier, and the fact that I had to transition to find that happiness is not lost on them it seems.

They respect me now.

Go figure.

I however have no doubt if I were to have gone stealth I would have lost the respect of my mother and the rest of my family. They would see any attempts at living stealth as a form of closeting.

To keep my families respect all I have to do is be honest and not bullshit. That's easy enough for me.

I am out and open. There is no façade left in me. My entire world has rewarded me in small esoteric ways for being out and open.

My family respects me and I feel like I am living as real as I can.

Yes, I am trans. I am also a woman. Trans is just a qualifier to me. It is no different from white woman, HIV+ woman, or married woman, they are all just qualifiers.

I tried to transition at 22. However, I ran into a very bad psychiatrist who told me I was trying to live out a sexual fetish and I was only going to ruin my life. He told me I was sick and that the only way to cure myself was to stop dressing en femme and to get married and have children.

I was 22. I believed every word he told me. After all he was the doctor and there were transsexual women out there who had to go to doctors to transition. Obviously, he could tell the difference between a transsexual and a pervert. He said I was a pervert.

I did not know that not all doctors where not on the same page. I did not know that there are different schools of thought and differing medical opinions on Trans people.

It failed of course.

I eventually transitioned at 41.

Turns out, the doctor was wrong. I was not a pervert or a deviant. I was just a young woman who crossed paths with a very bad doctor.

That doctor ruined my life. I was so young and impressionable. I took what he said to heart.

I am happy to be were I am today, but I can not help to wonder what my life would have been like if I had been able to transition as a young woman.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

While I am not some sort of...expert on the topic...I wanted some information to be out there. When I first started looking I did hear whispers about female bodied persons seeking transition to...not entirely male. I heard about people who knew someone who knew someone who one time was on "low dose T" for androgyns. But...that was about all the info I could find and looking back...most of that was wrong information.

I know we can't discuss dosages here, and that's fine. I won't be discussing that. Everyone is different, reacts differently and must seek professional advice from their prescribing doctor. Super duper important.

First thing I'd like to talk about in this is something I only just learned. (though once I learned it...it's kinda one of those..."oh duh." things.) Female born persons don't have testosterone blockers in their body. So...when we take testosterone, our levels appear much higher than those of male bodied persons. (as described to me by my doctor.) This is an ok thing. This actually makes it a little bit difficult to take something one might consider a "low dose".

When I started T (a little less than two years ago) I did so thinking I was taking a "lose dose". When I had my blood levels checked...I was shocked to find that based on my blood work, it was NOT a low dose for me. I was in fact, in full male/FtM range. However...I found the dosage to be very therapeutic. I freaked out about that and had a bit of a "what does this mean!? Am I actually FtM now that I'm in this range of T, and finding it therapeutic!?" and with thearpy and some time, therapy and thinking it through...no. That doesn't make me male. My identity is still as androgyn as ever.

There are many choices in dosage and prescriptions of testosterone. Many new ones have recently come out, which hopefully over time will make them cheaper. (as many are not cheap...) I have personally had experience with a few different types.

The first I was put on was Testim which is an alcohol based gel. It's applied to the chest (not breasts) and upper arms. You rub it in until you feel it's dry, let it set for a few mins and then get dressed as normal. It comes in small "daily application" tubes. The tubes are kind of nice because if you travel you can take just what you need, rather than a whole big bottle or what have you. I put "daily application" in quotes because really...it's between you and your doctor as to what is right for you. I've been given the freedom to play with proper dosage for me. We've experimented with half tube daily, and other combinations of full tube one day, half tube the next, so on and so forth. I did so under careful watch of my doctor.

Just to try the injectable version of T I did go on it for a short term. I thought it would be really nice to not have to think about it for two weeks, rather than daily application. I'm not a huge fan of shots, and my hormones were all over the place while on it so I really didn't like that. I prefer a more steady, even feeling...which the gel gives me. Daily application equals no trough. That's a pretty nice thing.

Recently my dr wanted me to try a new product that's come out. (he's pretty fond of whatever is new..."ooohhh shiny!" Axiron I tried it and...I *personally* don't like it. It's an odd application method. It comes in a large lotion type bottle and it comes with a rubber tipped cup that's shaped like deodorant. It goes in your under arms. You put your deodorant like normal, wait two mins and then pump this alcohol based liquid that's very watery into the cup. Then you apply the contents of the cup to your underarm(s). I couldn't quite get the hang of it somehow...and kept dripping it down my sides and onto the floor. I requested going back to Testim. (as that just works best for me. I'm sure the other types work wonderfully for some.)

The reason I feel that "low dose" is a sort of mirage is that even if you are able to keep your testosterone levels low...it just prolongs the changes that will be taking place. (as I understand it) though having low levels of testosterone limits what your body can do. (masculation wise)

My voice has dropped considerably. I am now a low bass singing voice. (I started at a low alto...for what that's worth.) I do have facial hair and need to shave, though it's still rather invisible...it's finally starting to darken up around my chin. I don't really have much for body hair though I'm starting to get some. My clit has grown as many transmen report. My sex drive amped up considerably. (oh lord did it..) My moods evened out, my GID lessened, my muscles bulk up easier, I seem more "vulcan" in my approach to thinks and insistence that all things should be logic focused (it's actually the running joke in this house) and I can't say that's testosterone based but it's so different from who I used to be (highly emotional to annoying levels...seriously. Annoying.) that I bring it up because changes in hormones can have unexpected consequences...positive or negative. I'm sure I've changed in ways I can't even see or notice about myself.

However...with all that...it's been one of the best things I've done for myself. I didn't hear any experiences from other androgyns (or the like) and so I wanted to put this here so others can hear my experience.