Archive for the 'bums' Category

In a conversation yesterday between stoney and i while we were both supposed to be working, we had laughed about the lockjaw incident and i jibed stoney about his own oral malfunctions. He did not find the remark too funny, so in the tradition of assholedness and shittalking, i will relate his story. Our dear stoney can sometimes get so excited by something he may be prone to drooling at the mouth as he snarles in excitement. This however, is no malicious snarl like a rabid beast, nonetheless, it is a snarl of wild excitement where he loses control of his saliva and forgets to swallow. This will usually be accompanied with snorting and mouth-breathing.

Above this minor, occasional loss of control sits the grand pubah of oral malfunctions. Stoney will often be so parched with excited dialogue and excessive smoking that his lips will be covered in a dry white substance that is not the storied mystery cream of another episode. Now i know, everyone’s mouth has been so dried out that they might get a white film in the corner of the mouth, but this is by no exageration a veritable caking of dried saliva that covers the entire lips like cream lipstick. This could be construed as an isolated episode, but i assure ye readers with full confidence in my truth-telling that it is a perenial event.

One episode stands out beyond all the rest. Sitting in a frat room with some friends and some fiends, we were extremely overcrowded as many had seen that the people with the weed had showed up. Stoney, Suit, and I being the carriers of the sacred nuggets, and at this point, Stoney emptying his bank account after mine had dried out from the Fall and being the true carrier, we proceeded to smoke weed per usual. Well, the crowded ridiculousness and gayness of the group soon, as it always did, got to us, but none more than stoney. Looking over at stoney i see he had proverbially just taken a bite out of a piece of wedding cake too big for his face. well, as i discreetly let him know, he was already noticing a huge bump on his arm. In my not so discreet way, everyone looked at stoney and hence the bump on his arm. As a room full of questions pummeled stoney his bumps multiplied with every ‘oh, my god’ and ‘what’s wrong with you’. In front of everyone, his hives as we came to understand just kept going until he was forced to leave. Of course, i had the bag cause i was the only one who can roll and suit and I continued to smoke stoney’s bag until we met with him shortly after.

On completing this story, i have realized that it is poorly written and extremely unfunny. I hope though at least the stonies will have a smile at the memory of a suffering white lipped leper.

With that said, i’d like to move on to another topic. If anyone is looking to get paid to do nothing at all, i have two recommendations for you. Temp or substitute teach in northern virginia. it seems that the employers are as worthless as the citizens of this forsaken land. or, maybe i’m just as worthless, but that is besides the point. i have sat at this job all week and have yet to be explained my responsibilites. though i’ve only made 13 dollars an hour, i still have not done any work. that’s about 500 bucks to do jack shit. Stoney can sympathize as we’ve both done nothing and gotten paid. I ask you, our readers, are you as lazy and worthless as us? i know the other stonies are just as worthless, but they’ve prolly been busy. however, i’ve been too busy watching tv on my computer to talk to them.

You are all a bunch of bitches. ‘boo hoo, i hold down the blog all on my own–sniffle, sniffle, nobody helps me out’. Now, no one is producing shit except for twitch’s brainless miney mo of football picks. the grand introduction you were afforded was quite undue. Stoney was apparently wrong in his fear of unleashing the savage that must have been. I was expecting more ridiculous puttering buttholes and second grade male teacher fantasies, but i guess the life of a savage cannot include the blog, though true savagery also does not recognize the 70 down genital coddling that is football. Yes, i love football and sports, and many unsavage things, but i do not and have never claimed to be a savage. Far from it, i am more a pinkie flipped, tea drinking, legs crossing, former weed smoker who has done everything in his power to reject savage lawless behavior for the groovy rewarding of responsibility (sarcasm).

twitch, i’m sorry for the blatant attack, but your work is limited to picking, often accurately, the upcoming weekend’s games. you offer no commentary and hardly any shittalking. i was expecting you to be ripping and stoney claimed to be anxiously anticipating the coming shittalking brought with football.

stoney, you’re gay. bucs suck, ‘your’ steelers are winning, and i can undoubtedly bet my entire net worth of -200 dollars that you have yet to watch a single play. well, maybe if i lose then me paying negative 200 dollars would actually mean i get paid 200 dollars!?! shit, why didn’t i think about that before? i think i might have a good case for wachode and chase you down a dark alley and beat you with a proverbial debt bat credit cards.

suit, simply said, thanks for the sushi dinner and getting me into academia where i certainly do not belong.

on to me, i still can’t make any money with no bills to pay and working all the time. i’m a piece of shit who fights with his girlfriend all the time and watches sports rather than do anything else. i literally have to think about, no, draw up a spreadsheet of pros and cons whether to buy an iced tea for my smoldering ashtray asshole mouth. on a lighter note, i am happy to inform you all that i have been successfully mining green gold from the deepest caverns of the Upper Dank Nasal River, wiping them on and flicking them toward all unsuspecting victims. Be careful where you reach or grap for balance when leaning to pick up that damn elusive runaway pencil. there may be a boogie man lurking in the shadows–one of my minions of ectoslime.

roughty, well you a bitch ass nancy who can’t handle liquor. i guess this is as good a time as any to relate my recent visit to the confederate capitol in which nancy reagan, roughty-as he is first lady, resides. I arrived in his spacious 13 bedroom apartment to remember the all to familiar later 1420 A smell. yes, quite noxious. however, if you have not been depraved enough to cross the river of burnt matchsticks, pay the toll man, Mikey, and sneak past the snarling starving beasts willing to tear your flesh for its first meal since a woman had visited (rarely and never prolonged), to find the beasts’ litter box, then you can hardly imagine roughty’s. overflowing like a bloated pot of chili, the smell sticks to your skin and dampens your hair and cannot be removed by the sticky shower and mildewed-bottom of the pile towel you will be lent. after given the grand tour of his apartment modeled after a bunker in Fallujah and seriously debating wearing my flip flops in the shower, I air-dried for fear of putting the towel on my head, and then roughty and i set out to watch the mets inevitably blow it and hopefully find college football game on a nearby tv at the bar.

as everyone know the mets blew it, but not without a shimmer of hope for those unfortunate enough to confuse the ny mets for the recently swept phillies with a 13-1 shallacking on that day. well, we sat and drank beer and i ate a hockey puck with bacon and cheese, roughty in nothing out of the ordinary, drinking 1-2 more beers at the bar. This will come in to play soon, but everyone should know that roughty drinking 1-2 more beers with his typical diet versus mine would be no excuse for the ultimate shamery to come. we split the tab and went down stairs where i decisively defeated roughty in the first victory of the night-ping pong. when exiting the bar i wisely asked roughty if he had paid the second tab as he had lost the wager, moronically trusting the word of a drunken irishman. he walked out on that one and we moved to his sister’s boyfriend’s house where he exploded the tonic everywhere and left the floor adhesive. roughty made the drinks, one per person, and after thoroughly wearing out our welcome, we proceeded to dinner. both of us sitting slumped waiting for our respective lasagna and sub, i began to feel the stupor of Diana and Bacchus’s love union and looked across the table at the waning, leaning tower of a slurring man. Immediately upon finishing Roughty stood up and implored me to “get out of here” claiming we were done. Being the naive sentimentalist, I asked, ‘don’t we have to wait for the waitress? No? We can pay up front?’ this was the second, but failed attempt to walk out on a tab. He ended up begrudgingly paying the unfair tarif for both of us, saying, “you ive me sa money layter” i forgot.

well, we walked the few blocks home sandwich in tow knowing the state of affairs of any autonomous stonies’ kitchen. We arrived home and shortly after, i snapped this picture:

**will not upload-does not meet security guidelines**

i guess the material is too sensitive. a picture of roughty passed out at 8:30 p.m. would surely explode the head of any with knowledge of him.

so, he passed out and was eventually roused with threats of exposing his nanciness. in another failure of the night, roughty,quite out of character,did not shag the fly puerto rican girl that wanted his nutsack. instead, quite in character, he was content to be defeated in video games while she watched.

1st Victory- Ping Pong

2nd Victory- Drinking

3rd Victory- Madden (Roughty quit before half, I forced him to finish the half at least)

Roughty would only chalk his days losses to 0-4, but i assure you he was spent on drinking as i mixed up another gin. The next day i awoke to roughty going to work where i was going for a stoney style free brunch (remember the trellis? sweet) when my lady cracked the whip and was bitching, so i had to go home.

It was a very enjoyable trip. I only shit talk now because i have the god given right to make my friends feel bad for putting me up and paying for a dinner he wanted to walk out on. i only got slapped in the face once, which by anyone’s standards is another victory. i had a good time and a lesson in hopeless savagery. Now it’s time to get in my mom’s car and go eat McDonald’s and relay my exact gps coordinates to the wife.

Fear not ye who stare in dumbblankfacerificatio. This blasphemous affront from he with the royal nose and created royal lineage will be met with brutally harsh impunity. He will be crushed with my iron gauntlet as I mold his flacid will like a piece of wet clay.

The King’s claim to royal lineage is false and ridiculous. My children, King Stoney was once a young grasshopper in my School of Debaucherous Edification. This State sponsored program reluctantly admitted the Prince to imbue the naive Prince with the necessary rejection of extravagant material objects and extravagant g.p.a.’s . What the young Prince did not realize is that this propagandalistic program of debaucherous inundation and and murdering of reason was to weaken the privileged for our worker’s revolution. My arduous work of the last few months, day in and out, working into the wee hours of the night, was for the building of my barnesian army.

I am a man of the people. My father, a poor dirt farmer who struck oil through his rural education, rose through the ranks of the privileged like the early Blogres lineage that King Stoney claims. Abandoning me in his quest for the tainted coin, I was raised in the hardened industrial center of our land. I am a worker that will crush the priviliged and distribute their wealth to the people. Rise against your attacking tyrannical despot who rules with wild passion and uncontrolled partiality. Join the ranks of the industrialized worker. Sign up at your local Volkswagen dealer.

In my brilliant plan of genius, I paved the way to revolution through my puppet P.M. Sunburner. He is a weak man of the senses swayed toward the passion. He is a weakened by his addiction to the witch’s brew squeezed of the rotten teat. His ludicrous claim of peak conditioning and corpus care are being revealed by the pictures provided by Morel the Destoryer, a man of truth.

Taken after his royal decree last night

Suppressing the Truth

Destroyed by his Extravagance–Poisoned by Morel the Truthsayer

Let this be a lesson to all who oppose the strengthening of the Bloggerland. Sunburner is an example of any who stand in the way of our glorious revolution of the people. Treacherous lechery will be Punished!

In a predictable unexpected turn of events, P.M. Sunburner has disposed of his newly befriended assassin. In his ruthless ruthnicity, the P.M. beguiled the attacker into a partnership of death. No, not the scythe to his iron hand, the attacker became the victim of his glorious impunity. The colossal hand that now makes Blogres strong and empowered to meet the agression of any would-be agressors has come down on any who oppose it.

It seems that shortly after the Toast of Sunburnable Brotherhood the P.M. threw the attacker off of the Royal Balcony where he plummeted to the marble floor, falling to his death. The P.M.’s delight in destroying all those who oppose the Bloggerland will assure the people of his pledge to protect the people from the royal despotism with brutal force. “I will destroy all those who oppose my shepherding of the followers of the Book of Savagery”, said the P.M., “But, I will usher in a newer, stronger Iron-age in which our land is impervious to the flacid assaults of limp troglodytes.”

The P.M.’s promise of a stronger land rising from the ashes of the former King’s debaucherous disregard for public affairs was compounded by a State exposition of strength, physical prowess, and the P.M.’s superior body type. “Not only through genes, but arduously hard repetition, can you too approach my chiseled greatness. I take care of my body, I am believe in preserving the sanctimonious temple which is the human body. I am outlawing all manufacturing, sale, distribution, consumption, and even speaking of substances harmful to the realization of your goal to approach the human specimen that is me. Any caught consuming drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or polska kielbasa will immediately be executed. Do not fear my children–I will liquidate the threats to our ever-lasting security. Everything Must Go!”

–Morel the Destoyer–

Brought to you by our friends at Costco–Destroying Small Businesses One Zip Code at a Time

Exactly the type of citizens his gloriousness wants. Both the violent teens and the complacent videographers. Don’t forget to check out our new thirteen year old punani section. Now in boxes of a dozen– baker’s dozen that is. –Costco 😉

As i have visited californ-i-a twice now and long to join me fellow scallywags in their pirate adventures in la la land, i feel a tribute to their base is in order. well, i have been to many parts of the city including the four parts jp has seen in his two years there.

dodger stadium is sweet, but roasts in the desert mountains. roughty, make sure you bring your spf 75 and slob it on with every pitching change, which will most likely be every inning as both clubs will sorely mistaken their inadequate rotations and bullpens with fatigue, weather, or some other ludicrous excuse.

East L.A. and the DR:

Sweet as well. I feel suit will find a home in the drawing room and the relative diversity in relation to the rest of la in the former paradise that stoney called home. you must absolutely show the former kingdom in all its glory and cold showers. this was the first place i found in my visits to la with true, unsuperficial culture. remember my 4:00 am walkabout in search of a sip of any liquid in my half drunken, half hungover stupor as stoney had neither drink nor refrigeration. i walked at least 7 blocks to be dissapointed by powered down vending machines that i had to beg the grocery store owner to turn on to get an orange soda that t and i shared (what up, t) . on my ramble i encountered at least two hookers with one clearly disguising a dick. my day consisted of walking around east la and eating gut bombs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. i was happy to escape my previous experiences of yuppiness disguised in kewlness.

hollywierd:

weird and extemely superficial with a bunch of douches disguised as hipsters and guns and roses impersonators.

venice:

i was accurately described by lady t the wonderous freak show that is venice beach. of course we were all fucked up and noided out, so we sat at the public bathroom and gazed out upon the circus. there was definitely a small degree of reality here in their rejection of superficiality, but their conscious objection seemed superficial in itself. of course i am superficial as hell, especially then and enjoyed pretending to be normal for a minute, despite my schizoid drug induced psychotic personality disorder’s ‘outside looking in’ perspective. there is culture there that is not completely obsessed with the image driven falsity of the rest of la.