Maybe I’m Better Off Without Your Love

It’s harder to fall out of love than it is to fall in love.
It’s hard to accept rejection from someone who you were willing to do anything for.
Loving you was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do
But it was also the best thing
So easily and willing I had chosen the path of self-destruction and reconstruction to mold myself into a version of me that you could accept .
But you hated my past and I couldn’t change my past.
Loving you was not a bed of roses.

Loving you was like crossing a bridge of fire every day. I would cross it again and again for you. Hoping that the flames would burn away all the qualities that you detest in me. I would go through that pain because I knew you were standing there at the end of the bridge for me. And just catching a glimpse of you could turn the worst pain into pleasure. You were worth everything.

And it’s okay that I was mostly the one crossing the bridge for you and you rarely crossed it to meet me. I don’t hate you for that. Because you were always there at the other end. I just needed to be received by your embrace. And those couple of times that you did cross the bridge for me made me feel complete and that is enough to last a lifetime. Because I didn’t want anything but your approval and your acceptance.

I don’t hate you
I can never hate you
I should hate myself for not being able to hate you.
I said I’d do anything. Change my whole life for you. But I can’t change my past.

When I said goodbye to you I was hoping , I was dying to hear you say don’t go, wait for me. You proved to me how vain my hoping was. You’ve made me lose that bright believing part of me that always hopes for the best. I am no longer an optimist.

I should hate you for saying no to me when my every thought began and ended with you
I should hate you for saying no to me when I said I’d be whatever you need me to be. I’ll leave my friends,my family, my career for you.
I should hate you for saying that I made you realize the value of your ex. That I made you miss her and regret leaving her.
But I can’t hate you

And I can’t fall out of love with you.

And I can’t understand how you could not understand the kind of love I had for you. How you thought you were a summer fling for me.

But I can’t change my past.

This feeling is not an emotion. I feel an actual physical pain in my chest, an actual heaviness every time I think of you. I wake up in the middle of the night, I feel something pressing on my chest, it is the loneliness. It is fear of not ever waking up next to you.

There is no medicine for heart break. Time does not heal a broken heart. Time is a constant reminder of my helplessness. It’s a lie that things will get better. They won’t. Because better is always with you. No can be what you are to me.

Never have I wanted someone as much as I wanted you. Never have i mourned the loss of a loved one like I mourned you. The kind of sorrow associated with heart break is infinite. I feel my heart sink into a dark place every time I think about my rejection. I wouldn’t wish this kind of love on anyone. But I would love you like this a hundred times again.

I want you to be happy always. Be with someone who will give you whatever I couldn’t give you. But I want you to regret losing me at least once. I want this thought to cross your mind even for just a fleeting moment that it was a mistake to let her go. I want you to know you will never find someone better than me. And maybe you don’t want someone better than me but just know that it was going to be a really good life together, we could have met each other half way. There is always a way to resolve differences, nothing is too great that it can’t be overcome by love. Or you could have stayed at the end of the bridge and let me do all the bending. I didn’t even ask you to change , I was willing to do all the hard work, all the remodeling. All I asked for was acceptance.

It is only after I lost the love of my life did I feel like I had developed an aversion to the word love.

If love is so destructive maybe life is easier without love.

Why love and destroy yourself. I know my way of loving was wrong but I thought it was the only way I knew that would lead me to you, at the cost of destroying myself.

And don’t you dare brush this statement off by saying maybe it was a phase. It was not a phase. It was a life decision. It was an internal revolution. To kill my ego that had been brewing for the past 25 years, to kill what I was felt was a strong independent girl inside me and be forever dependent on the love of my life.

A phase is a temporary. Love is permanent. Which is why I can’t forget you. Love for me is synonymous to your name.

Maybe I’ll find someone amazing who accepts me with all flaws and loves me without condition. He could be the best guy in the world but he won’t be you. I will never love someone like I loved you

Maybe I’m better off without this kind of love.

But I know in my heart I would gladly cross the bridge for you day in and day out.