Spidertastrophe!

Spiders are scary and gross. And they follow me everywhere.

<<This is an actual photo of a spider that was in my car the other day.

So the other day the weather was BEAUTIFUL. And I was out in it driving to buy f-ing crickets for my son’s f-ing gecko. But I was in a good mood, window cracked, warm sun and warm air all around and then it got even better…my SONG CAME ON.

AC DC’s Back in Black.

I began to imagine a video package where this song is playing and I’m getting out of my car in slow motion walking somewhere looking all tough and sexy (still in slow motion). On this particular day, the fantasy was me walking into a building of people who disagreed with my every word. Now – I would have to face them and I’d be AWESOME because of the whole slow motion thing and of course Back in Black playing as my theme song. You can’t lose if that’s playing while you walk into a room full of haters.

I was driving along dreamily imagining how bad ass that would be and wondering if I could get someone to actually record a piece like that for my website when I saw something small swinging out of the corner of my left eye.

Don’t be a spider, don’t be a spider, don’t be a spider, don’t be a spider, don’t be a spider.

Well, it was a spider. And it was hanging down from the ceiling of my FJ Cruiser and was at my eye level.

I HATE SPIDERS. AND THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL OF THE TIME.

I swear spiders know I hate them. I’m the only one I know that this happens too ALL OF THE TIME. I’ll be sitting at the kitchen table and one will float down from the chandelier. I’ll be snuggled up with one of my kids’ stuffed animals on the couch watching a movie and one will race up the nose of it and try to attack me. I’ve had big spiders race across the floor right in front of me and I’ve had them sitting in the mailbox when I get the mail.

And now, as I’m rocking out to ACDC and driving down construction laden Mack Hatcher Blvd in Franklin, TN., I’ve been confronted yet again by a !#$!@#$!@#$ spider.

I didn’t want to touch it. Gross. But I didn’t want it to get on me either. I blew at it, hoping it would swing toward the cracked window and would get sucked outside.

It just swung right back at me, even closer. I squealed. My tires hit the rumble strip forcing me to correct my drifting car.
Stupidly, I opened the window wider. He blew EVEN CLOSER to me and was now bouncing wildly. I rolled it back up.
My car drifts back to the damn rumble strip. I correct it. I’m now driving approximately 7 miles an hour in a 45 mile an hour zone.

Frantically, I looked to my car for something to kill it with. My car is generally very messy. There had to be a shoe somewhere. But all I came up with were empty cans of La Croix, orange flavored, sparkling water. USELESS.

I WOULD HAVE TO USE MY HAND OR RISK THE SPIDER GETTING INTO MY HAIR AND SUBSQUENTLY LOST FOREVER UNTIL IT HAS BABIES ON MY HEAD.

I bit the bullet and took a swing at it. How on earth I managed to miss it is beyond me. I think it ducked. It came back toward me and this time I connected with a smack. GROSS. I could feel its little squishy but also kind of crunchy body being smashed against the window. And now its little corpse was on my hand.

I wiped it on a La Croix can.

Shaken yet victorious I realized that Back in Black had long ended and it took my fantasy with it.

It was now replaced by this poem:

Little Miss Cusser
Sat on her pusser
Rocking to back in black
Along came a spider
Who swung dangerously close beside her

And grossed her out because she had to kill it with her bare hands and wipe it on a La Croix can.