The Reading Rainbow

2/9/12 02:38 pm

Well, since my last post, things have definitely changed a LOT. I am no longer friends with the woman he left me for. I WAS still pregnant, but it was not my husbands, it happened after our split, in a fluke moment of crazy drunken irresponsibility (which the kids were not around to know about.) After several visits to the ER where they told me there was nothing they could do, I gave birth prematurely at 17 weeks. It was a little boy, Patrick James, who died shortly after birth(at home.) Shortly after the miscarriage, my so-called friend was called into the principal's office at my children's school where she works, and the police spoke with her. They came knocking on my door and I was investigated for having an unusual handling of my miscarriage. (Read: I didn't do the norm and go to the hospital for the medical staff to throw him away as medical waste, and I *gasp* buried my baby without public knowledge and consent and without going through the funeral homes and cemetaries) I was cleared and no charges were made, but the investigation caused much suffering and emotional upset to my family and the children.

I don't see how I can be friends with a person who is supposed to be supportive, yet talks about me behind my back, dates my husband after telling me she's not, and generally is putting herself in two camps and trying not to be biased against either. It obviously wasn't working. He has now moved in with her, and they are looking for a house to share.

After months of looking for a job in Virginia, and getting to the point where I had no money to pay rent, I was forced to move to a friend's farm in rural Oklahoma where I can work on getting on my feet without eviction hanging over my head. The kids love the farm, we are safe from the dangerous neighborhoods we would have lived in on public housing, and I am STILL not finding a job here. My next step is college or On-The-Job-Training.

Our seperation should be done in late June/early July, and I hope the processing for the divorce doesn't take long. He lost his job before court, so was only ordered to pay $65 in child support, total! He is making more money at a new job now, but with them trying to get a house, I don't see him having extra for his kids...

I am keeping my head up and my attitude as positive as possible. As long as I am ok, the kids are. My main priority will always be taking care of them and making sure they have what they need and feel loved.

8/6/11 10:00 pm

I didn't post in here about Eain losing his first tooth! It happened a couple of weeks ago. We had his toothless party at Burger King with cake and balloons. He cried when his tooth came out and said he wanted it back in, but he was super happy when I told him about the party. =)

For this week's update:I am packing everything up. I got the 3rd seat back in the van, so it looks like a bus again.Monday I will be renting a storage unit and putting everything in it until I can get into an apartment or house.I also have to go get some papers notorized with Michael for the apartment application process that state we are truly separated.I will be clearing everything out of this house and getting it cleaned up. The landlord should be here in the next few days to put a for rent sign in the yard, so I have to look out for peepers!She wants to start showing it ASAP. =(I will then move into my best friend's teeny tiny apartment with 2 bedrooms, 6 kids, 3 of us adults, 4 cats and an itty bitty dog. (Not really move in, just crash there till I get into my own place. None of our stuff is going into her home.)

It really sucks sorting through 16 years worth of stuff and separating him out, and doing it all by myself. He told me he's doing his part by working 50 hours a week so he can still financially support us. I gave him hell and asked him if he really thinks I can do all this on my own with 4 kids around, AND I'm pregnant? Give me a break! So he came over for a couple of hours and packed some of his things that I had already set to the side for him (nice of me, wasn't it?) and helped me with the seat in the van. He also did his laundry here. I need to work on the mountain of kids clothes in the basement and sort a Goodwill pile and a keep pile. I also think I should go ahead and pack all the dishes tomorrow.

8/2/11 03:41 am

I found out Friday night that I didn't have a miscarriage after all! I am still pregnant. I am about 8weeks and due 3/9/12. I was starting to lose weight and getting excited about maybe getting under 200lbs, and now I'm prego again, lol.

I am SOOOOOO HAPPPPYYYY!!! I am really grateful that I do get to meet this little person and find out who they are and name them and see them grow up. Five kids is a lot to handle, but since I'm already managing with 4, what's one more?

Makaela is thrilled, and wishing twins on me. She wants one for herself. lol. Eain wants a little brother again, and is very happy with the news. Alanna is the only one who thought I shouldn't be pregnant without a husband around, but when I told her "too late" she was happy about it. (After asking how I got pregnant without daddy, lol)

Sage loves babies already and has a wonderful loving personality, so I know she will be ok with being a big sister. I was told many times she was developing quickly to make room for another, and I didn't feel done, so I know this little person was meant to be here, too. I may or may not feel "done" after this. I hope if I don't feel done, I will at least feel like the next one is far in the future when my life is more settled and secure.

I am doing great emotionally. I don't feel stressed out. I am frustrated with the system, trying to get welfare the honest way. I guess if you're not willing to lie and manipulate the truth you can't get what you need. I am planning to look into legal aid next. I also hope I can find a house or apartment I can afford soon. Rather than look for a job and put the kids in public school, I want to start a home business and I need a home to do that...

7/29/11 10:40 pm

Oh wow! I am a little overwhelmed right now.

I have been trying to find housing for me and the kids. I can't get housing without proof of income. I can't get a job without childcare (which I can't afford without a job) and I don't have any official income (child support) till after the hearing at the end of November.

He doesn't want me to stay in the house any longer than I have to, because he can't afford his own place unless I find something cheaper. He is staying with his brother right now. Not a very compatible match for a room mate. He refuses to reside in the same home as me until I can get a job and get things settled. So everything is dependent on some kind of miracle.

I hope the universe can hear me, I am trying to manifest my desires but I'm a little confused right now. Probably sending mixed messages...

7/11/11 05:17 am

Tonight has brought me a lot of healing. we have been talking and working out issues and thoughts and feelings and the honesty and openness right now is very good for all of us. There is not a shred of hope right now of us reconciling, but we are talking more than we have in our entire 16 year marriage. He has always been an introverted person, never really letting me see inside him except for a brief time when we were dating. He never shared himself this way, and now it's like he can't shut it off.

I think it has been the best thing for both of us. We were able to talk a little about our future, living seperate lives. We both acknowlege there are going to be many hurdles to cross through the coming days/weeks/years.

We all want to accept the blame, and none of us wants to blame anyone else, so we are already starting off right. We did have our weak moments where our hearts were fighting our logical thinking. I am surprised we have logical thinking at all. It's definitely feeling like it was meant to be. Just as our paths were meant to cross so many years ago, we were meant to split at this exact moment in time. I didn't know we weren't forever. I really thought he was my forever love, but maybe since we found each other so young, we are destined for more than one great love in our lives.

The person I am won't allow me to turn bitter and hate. I have never been able to do that. The confidence I have found in myself won't really allow me to feel too sorry for myself, either. So I have no choice but to move forward with an optimistic view on my life. He has been having a few positive thoughts of setting goals for himself, and wants to improve himself. He WANTS to change. I never asked him to change because I loved him unconditionally, and I know that people don't change unless they have a personal desire to change for themselves (not to make someone else happy.)

7/9/11 03:20 pm

Everything happens for a reason. I feel like the miscarriage forced me to face all the emotions and have to deal with them instead of festering, bottling it all up. I would have loved to meet this little person. I am so sad that I can't have it. But I also know it's probably best. Smart little soul, maybe it will come back to me. Thank you sweet angel for helping me get through this.

I cried so much this week, my eyes were swollen shut and I could hardly see. I went out in public like this, not caring if anyone saw. I had to get some things taken care of, so I couldn't just hide away.

Michael's visitation with the kids seemed to go well. I think both of us are going to be better people after this. We were right for each other when we met, but we haven't been improving together for a long time. I think I will be a better mom and he can be a better dad if we aren't together.

If it seems like I am jotting down random thoughts, it's because I am! I am just letting it flow. This is like emotional de-toxing.

7/9/11 12:46 pm

I suppose I will be using my journal a lot more now, but maybe not as I have no idea how often I will have access to internet.

A lot has been changing in the last week. First, all the pregnancy tests were positive, but I have been losing the baby all week. The test today was negative, and they have been more and more faint each day. I have never had a miscarriage before. It's devastating, but fitting for my current situation.

You see, with all my positive attitude and commitment to my marriage, I failed to heed the warning signs of doom. I made many mistakes and kept trying to hang on to something that I have been losing for many years. I thought I could be anything or do anything to make it work. I did not account for my husband's unspoken thoughts, even though he was giving me signs along the way. We both have our parts in why things didn't work out, but the biggest issue is that he was growing close to someone else and drawing away from me for the last 5+ years of our marriage. Unfortunately, that person happens to be my best friend, and she doesn't return those romantic feelings. I am sad for him and sad for me. The bond between her and I is closer than that of sisters. We have been friends almost as long as I have been married. We are soul twins. I hate that he doesn't see that he is attracted to her for the same reasons he loved me. She is a copy of my personality. Our friendship kept her in close contact with him, because we did everything together and he was usually around.

I am most upset that he hid his feelings for her for so long, and that he allowed himself to fall for her but continued our marriage and having kids instead of just telling me way back when. But I don't want to go back and erase our babies. We made some really cool people together. I have never been afraid of change, I held on for so long because I really loved him, flaws and all. I know my life will still be good. I know I will be happy. I know this hurt will heal, though it will leave a scar.

I now face court dates, looking for housing for me and the kids, possibly putting them in school and finding work for me. I am considering moving into a house with my best friend. We can support each other, as we are both single now, and her kids and mine already act like family. I'm looking forward to focusing on me for once and being able to make decisions and things my own way. I do not feel I need a man to make me happy, I will not be jumping into relationships anytime soon. I am open to the idea someday, but for now I am my own happiness. I love me for me, and that is enough for now. My main concern is going to be helping the children transition.

7/1/11 12:34 pm

It's been 5 months since my last entry.

Eain is fully potty trained and has been since February.

Sage is a busy 15 month old who is constantly into everything. Her favorite is to play in the toilet. (ewww! Yuck!!!) She even decided to try taking a bath in it a few weeks ago. She is trying to talk more and has several phrases: "get out, get out, get out" "gonna get you" "doggy" "no, no, no"

Makaela is counting the days till she can take the Red Cross first aid course and become a certified babysitter. She has a few months left till her 11th birthday.

Alanna has taken on the laundry chores, but I think she needs a little more training. She loves the job, but some of the laundry ends up smelly and I had to throw away something that was covered in mildew/mold. She also likes cleaning the bathroom!

I am patiently waiting for this weekend to come and go so I can find out if Sage might be a big sister. I do not plan to take a test, just going to see if aunt flow comes or not. If you don't hear from me for another 5 months, it's because aunt flow showed up, and my life is the same old boring but chaotic, busy mess.

1/31/11 03:10 pm

My little insomniac is causing issues with the new sleeping arrangements! She has been waiting till I go to bed, then going in Alanna's room to watch movies and keep an eye on Sage. This wakes up Alanna eventually, and now Alanna's sleep is disturbed because of it. Alanna used to be up by 8am, now she's sleeping in till 11-12! I don't need two insomniacs...

So I am thinking about just switching their bedrooms so Makaela has the bigger room with the TV and DVDs, and Alanna can have her own room where Makaela won't bother her. Makaela doesn't like this idea so far, but she is always resistance to change anyway.

Eain is doing really good with the potty training, he does not wet his bed ever, and always pees in the toilet. He is still not using the toilet for #2, though. I find this extremely frustrating since I now know he CAN, he just doesn't. It's become habit. And peeing is fun when you get to stand up to do it, but waiting for your bowels to move takes too long and it's boring. I understand, but he doesn't understand my POV yet...

Sage is cutting 4 molars all at once! the two on the top have broken through, the ones on the bottom are just lumps. She is clingy and a little fussy. She loves watching these gummi bear videos:

She will come to me when I am busy on the computer and gesture/grunt until I put youtube on. heheheh I think it's cute. Eain loved this one we found:

1/24/11 11:54 am

I knew it would happen. I hoped it would happen sooner than this, but I knew it wouldn't take forever. Eain finally pooped in the toilet! He will be 5 in a week! That's a long time to wait for your kid to potty train...

I gave him his birthday present early. It was a battery-operated nerf-style foam bullet gun. His little hands had trouble with the trigger, though. So I took him to the store with me last night and got him a manual shotgun with the foam darts. He is much happier with it. He also got Spider-man rubber galoshes, a six-pack of new undies, and some specialty chocolates.

We will be doing a combo birthday/potty party in about a week or so, as long as he is still using the potty right.

Sage is totally getting the walking thing! She can walk across a room or down the hall without falling now. She loves walking.

Alanna is getting her hair cut tomorrow. She will be getting it layered to hopefully make it easier to brush and less likely to be a matted mess when she wakes up every morning.