Hey, I want to make sure I didn't add anything that could be considered too revealing or unnecessary, so I appreciate the feedback. I hope I have a concise and polished synopsis by the end. : )

In Azzam Morocco, fire elemental NEZHA ZAMAN lives with her parents and cat. She mourns the loss of a family member and blames the vengeful shadow she had a terrifying encounter with. Her world and an alternate dimension, share an earthquake which causes a man’s twin brother to fall unconscious at the same moment. Their souls meet at the barrier between the worlds, where he tells his twin he will keep the light of an angel safe in his world and they switch bodies. A man, BASIL awakens in Nezha’s house. She believes Basil to be her visiting grandfather. Feeling the angel’s light anxious within him, he decides to gift the light to Nezha. Her backyard pond reacts to the energy and pulls Nezha and her cat in.

After emerging from the pond, Nezha sees two unicorn siblings. SAPPHIRE ALMASI, a wise light elemental and THUNDERBOLT ALMASI, a sarcastic lightening wielder. They tell her she is in NOORENIA, the dimension beyond hers and that the light she carries is from the ANGEL OF MERCY. The angel’s soul has been scattered into orbs by a former prince, who formed a pact with a demon and cursed the angel. He now goes by the name ZUL SHARR. He seeks to destroy the soul and take their powers. The siblings had just escaped from the iron which he can manipulate and used to freeze their valley in search of them. Nezha agrees to help them find the rest of the soul’s orbs and vows to avenge her loved one.

The arch angel to the ruined kingdom and friend to the unicorns, ANSELM now guards a cave. He gives Nezha the same feather which belonged to the princess who Zul had accidently encased in iron. It is revealed to Nezha that the princess was her cousin and that she belongs to that kingdom. The feather doubles as a blue-flamed sword which can destroy demons and aids Nezha with the creatures they contend with. They are soon joined by a jovial and compassionate wind elemental, KAYAN who wanted to use the orb in his possession to heal his ill father. They stay at another of Nezha’s cousins. The girl gladly takes them in.

As they find more soul orbs, they encounter Zul with a raven demon who causes a certain battle with Sapphire. They discover it was all a means for Zul to gain more power and form a hydrogen powered gun. Nezha gains a new fire ability and finds her control over her element strengthening. Nezha and Kayan train to understand their powers. Before they can head back, Kayan is possessed by a shadow demon appointed by Zul. It turns out the demon is the same shadow Nezha encountered in her world. She vanquishes the demonic shadow and avenges her family member. Zul taunts and forcefully persuades his parents to hand over a precious heirloom. His mother rings Sapphire, prompting Nezha and the others to head to Zul’s parents and their mansion. Upon their arrival, they are told that Anselm is being held hostage. Their altercation with Zul ends with Thunderbolt and Sapphire being cursed and taken by the demon LEXA, the one who formed a pact with Zul. A sensuous red-head. Zul revels in his victory.

After a certain event, Nezha, Kayan and Anselm, follow Zul to rescue the two unicorn siblings. They follow him to a barrier, which only allows Nezha and Anselm through. They arrive at a mansion beyond the barrier and Nezha senses that the orbs are somewhere inside. Nezha finally reassembles the soul, only to find it’s been poisoned. Anselm stays back to keep Zul at bay, but Nezha finds she has lost control of the fire and sets the mansion ablaze due to the poison’s effects. Eventually, Anselm catches up her and they find the siblings in one of the rooms. With Anselm’s certain trait, Nezha emits a light which revives Sapphire and Thunderbolt. The Angel of Mercy projects itself from Nezha and attempts to reach Zul through mercy and empathy. When it looks like Zul is responding well, Lexa steps in and breaks their connection. The demonic energy returns to him and he voices his bitterness with their interference. Zul disappears with Lexa, leaving them in the disintegrating building. With outside help from Kayan, they escape the mansion and return to the city.

During dinner, Nezha tells everyone that the soul is whole. The next day she packs up to return temporarily to her dimension to catch up on her studies and spend time with her family.

Publishing Experience:Completed my first book, and trying to get published.

Posted 12 December 2016 - 04:52 PM

Here are my thoughts:

In Azzam Morocco, (suggestion: don't mention the name of the place. I've read that fantasy queries/synopsises have to avoid mentioning too many fantastical names in a row.) fire elemental NEZHA ZAMAN lives with her parents and cat. She mourns the loss of a family member (sister? parent? why not say?) and blames the vengeful shadow she had a terrifying encounter with. Her world and an alternate dimension, share an earthquake which causes a man’s twin brother to fall unconscious at the same moment (at the same moment as what?). Their souls meet at the barrier between the worlds, where he tells his twin he will keep the light of an angel safe in his world and they switch bodies. A man, BASIL awakens in Nezha’s house. She believes Basil to be her visiting grandfather. Feeling the angel’s light anxious within him (what does that mean?), he decides to gift the light to Nezha. Her backyard pond reacts to the energy and pulls Nezha and her cat in. At this point in the query, I'm a bit confused as to what's going on. I suggest simplifying. Cut a couple of your subplots and chose one storyline to focus on and explain in careful detail.

After emerging from the pond, Nezha sees two unicorn siblings. SAPPHIRE ALMASI, a wise light elemental and THUNDERBOLT ALMASI, a sarcastic lightening wielder. They tell her she is in NOORENIA, the dimension beyond hers and that the light she carries is from the ANGEL OF MERCY. The angel’s soul has been scattered into orbs by a former prince, who formed a pact with a demon and cursed the angel. He now goes by the name ZUL SHARR. He seeks to destroy the soul and take their powers. The siblings had just escaped from the iron which he can manipulate and used to freeze their valley in search of them. Nezha agrees to help them find the rest of the soul’s orbs and vows to avenge her loved one. A rule I've read is only three named characters in a synopsis. Obviously, that's not a strict rule. But you have so many characters right now that I can't keep track of all of them. For some, it's okay to not give them names (just call them "the elemental" or something) so as not to overwhelm the reader.

The arch angel to the ruined kingdom and friend to the unicorns, ANSELM now guards a cave. He gives Nezha the same feather which belonged to the princess who Zul had accidently encased in iron. It is revealed to Nezha that the princess was her cousin and that she belongs to that kingdom. The feather doubles as a blue-flamed sword which can destroy demons and aids Nezha with the creatures they contend with. What creatures? This is actually the first I've really heard about the villains of their story. I suggest bringing them up sooner. Ideally, the enemy/conflict should be clear in the first paragraph. They are soon joined by a jovial and compassionate wind elemental, KAYAN who wanted to use the orb in his possession to heal his ill father. They stay at another of Nezha’s cousins. The girl gladly takes them in.

As they find more soul orbs, they encounter Zul with a raven demon who causes a certain battle with Sapphire. They discover it was all a means for Zul to gain more power and form a hydrogen powered gun. Nezha gains a new fire ability and finds her control over her element strengthening. Nezha and Kayan train to understand their powers. Before they can head back, Kayan is possessed by a shadow demon appointed by Zul. It turns out the demon is the same shadow Nezha encountered in her world. She vanquishes the demonic shadow and avenges her family member. Zul taunts and forcefully persuades his parents to hand over a precious heirloom. His mother rings Sapphire, prompting Nezha and the others to head to Zul’s parents and their mansion. Upon their arrival, they are told that Anselm is being held hostage. Their altercation with Zul ends with Thunderbolt and Sapphire being cursed and taken by the demon LEXA, the one who formed a pact with Zul. A sensuous red-head. Zul revels in his victory. Really dense paragraph. Try to break it into smaller paragraphs?

After a certain event, Nezha, Kayan and Anselm, follow Zul to rescue the two unicorn siblings. They follow him to a barrier, which only allows Nezha and Anselm through. They arrive at a mansion beyond the barrier and Nezha senses that the orbs are somewhere inside. Nezha finally reassembles the soul, only to find it’s been poisoned. Anselm stays back to keep Zul at bay, but Nezha finds she has lost control of the fire and sets the mansion ablaze due to the poison’s effects. Eventually, Anselm catches up her and they find the siblings in one of the rooms. With Anselm’s certain trait, Nezha emits a light which revives Sapphire and Thunderbolt. The Angel of Mercy projects itself from Nezha and attempts to reach Zul through mercy and empathy. When it looks like Zul is responding well, Lexa steps in and breaks their connection. The demonic energy returns to him and he voices his bitterness with their interference. Zul disappears with Lexa, leaving them in the disintegrating building. With outside help from Kayan, they escape the mansion and return to the city.

During dinner, Nezha tells everyone that the soul is whole. Which means what? The next day she packs up to return temporarily to her dimension to catch up on her studies and spend time with her family.

You've clearly got a really complicated story, and those are the absolute hardest to write a synopsis for. My suggestion next time is to cut the characters and cut the number of plots--it's okay to only focus on one part of your whole book for the synopsis. Good luck!

In Azzam Morocco, (suggestion: don't mention the name of the place. I've read that fantasy queries/synopsises have to avoid mentioning too many fantastical names in a row.) fire elemental NEZHA ZAMAN lives with her parents and cat. She mourns the loss of a family member (sister? parent? why not say?) and blames the vengeful shadow she had a terrifying encounter with. Her world and an alternate dimension, share an earthquake which causes a man’s twin brother to fall unconscious at the same moment (at the same moment as what?). Their souls meet at the barrier between the worlds, where he tells his twin he will keep the light of an angel safe in his world and they switch bodies. A man, BASIL awakens in Nezha’s house. She believes Basil to be her visiting grandfather. Feeling the angel’s light anxious within him (what does that mean?), he decides to gift the light to Nezha. Her backyard pond reacts to the energy and pulls Nezha and her cat in. At this point in the query, I'm a bit confused as to what's going on. I suggest simplifying. Cut a couple of your subplots and chose one storyline to focus on and explain in careful detail.

After emerging from the pond, Nezha sees two unicorn siblings. SAPPHIRE ALMASI, a wise light elemental and THUNDERBOLT ALMASI, a sarcastic lightening wielder. They tell her she is in NOORENIA, the dimension beyond hers and that the light she carries is from the ANGEL OF MERCY. The angel’s soul has been scattered into orbs by a former prince, who formed a pact with a demon and cursed the angel. He now goes by the name ZUL SHARR. He seeks to destroy the soul and take their powers. The siblings had just escaped from the iron which he can manipulate and used to freeze their valley in search of them. Nezha agrees to help them find the rest of the soul’s orbs and vows to avenge her loved one. A rule I've read is only three named characters in a synopsis. Obviously, that's not a strict rule. But you have so many characters right now that I can't keep track of all of them. For some, it's okay to not give them names (just call them "the elemental" or something) so as not to overwhelm the reader.

The arch angel to the ruined kingdom and friend to the unicorns, ANSELM now guards a cave. He gives Nezha the same feather which belonged to the princess who Zul had accidently encased in iron. It is revealed to Nezha that the princess was her cousin and that she belongs to that kingdom. The feather doubles as a blue-flamed sword which can destroy demons and aids Nezha with the creatures they contend with. What creatures? This is actually the first I've really heard about the villains of their story. I suggest bringing them up sooner. Ideally, the enemy/conflict should be clear in the first paragraph. They are soon joined by a jovial and compassionate wind elemental, KAYAN who wanted to use the orb in his possession to heal his ill father. They stay at another of Nezha’s cousins. The girl gladly takes them in.

As they find more soul orbs, they encounter Zul with a raven demon who causes a certain battle with Sapphire. They discover it was all a means for Zul to gain more power and form a hydrogen powered gun. Nezha gains a new fire ability and finds her control over her element strengthening. Nezha and Kayan train to understand their powers. Before they can head back, Kayan is possessed by a shadow demon appointed by Zul. It turns out the demon is the same shadow Nezha encountered in her world. She vanquishes the demonic shadow and avenges her family member. Zul taunts and forcefully persuades his parents to hand over a precious heirloom. His mother rings Sapphire, prompting Nezha and the others to head to Zul’s parents and their mansion. Upon their arrival, they are told that Anselm is being held hostage. Their altercation with Zul ends with Thunderbolt and Sapphire being cursed and taken by the demon LEXA, the one who formed a pact with Zul. A sensuous red-head. Zul revels in his victory. Really dense paragraph. Try to break it into smaller paragraphs?

After a certain event, Nezha, Kayan and Anselm, follow Zul to rescue the two unicorn siblings. They follow him to a barrier, which only allows Nezha and Anselm through. They arrive at a mansion beyond the barrier and Nezha senses that the orbs are somewhere inside. Nezha finally reassembles the soul, only to find it’s been poisoned. Anselm stays back to keep Zul at bay, but Nezha finds she has lost control of the fire and sets the mansion ablaze due to the poison’s effects. Eventually, Anselm catches up her and they find the siblings in one of the rooms. With Anselm’s certain trait, Nezha emits a light which revives Sapphire and Thunderbolt. The Angel of Mercy projects itself from Nezha and attempts to reach Zul through mercy and empathy. When it looks like Zul is responding well, Lexa steps in and breaks their connection. The demonic energy returns to him and he voices his bitterness with their interference. Zul disappears with Lexa, leaving them in the disintegrating building. With outside help from Kayan, they escape the mansion and return to the city.

During dinner, Nezha tells everyone that the soul is whole. Which means what? The next day she packs up to return temporarily to her dimension to catch up on her studies and spend time with her family.

You've clearly got a really complicated story, and those are the absolute hardest to write a synopsis for. My suggestion next time is to cut the characters and cut the number of plots--it's okay to only focus on one part of your whole book for the synopsis. Good luck!

In an alternate dimension, an angel’s scattered soul awakens a feud between the light and shadows.

Eighteen-year old NEZHA ZAMAN is a fire elemental. Through childhood she has been fighting to keep control over the flames. She mourns the loss of her aunt and blames the vengeful shadow who she had a terrifying encounter with. Her world Morocco and an alternate dimension, share an earthquake which causes a man and his twin brother to fall unconscious. The man Nezha believes to be her visiting grandfather is actually the other twin. He gifts her with an angel’s light that he carried over from the other world. Her backyard pond reacts to the light and pulls Nezha and her cat in.

After emerging from the pond, Nezha sees two unicorn siblings who live a double life as angels. One is a wise light elemental and the other is a sarcastic lightening wielder. They tell her she is in a dimension beyond hers and that the light she carries is from an angel. The angel’s soul has been scattered into orbs by a former prince, who formed a pact with LEXA, a shapeshifting shadow jinn and cursed the angel. He now goes by the name ZUL SHARR. He seeks power for his own ambitions after the destruction of one of the kingdoms. The siblings had just escaped from the iron which he can manipulate and used to freeze their valley in search of them. Nezha agrees to help them find the rest of the soul’s orbs since she can sense their presence and vows to avenge her beloved aunt.

On their journey, they meet angel and friend to the unicorns, ANSELM and are soon joined by a jovial boy and wind elemental who wanted to use the orb in his possession to heal his ill father.

As they find more pieces of the soul, they have encounters with Zul. A certain event catapults Nezha, the wind elemental and Anselm into rescuing the two unicorn siblings. They follow Zul to a barrier, which only allows Nezha and Anselm through. They arrive at a mansion beyond the barrier and Nezha senses that the rest of the orbs are somewhere inside. Nezha finally reassembles the soul, only to find it’s been poisoned. Anselm stays back to keep Zul at bay, but Nezha finds she has lost control of the fire and sets the mansion ablaze due to the poison’s effects. Eventually, Anselm catches up to her and they find the siblings. With Anselm’s certain trait, Nezha emits a light which revives the two unicorns. The angel projects itself from Nezha and attempts to reach Zul through mercy and empathy. When it looks like Zul is responding well, Lexa steps in and breaks their connection. The demonic energy returns to him and he voices his bitterness with their interference. Zul disappears with Lexa, leaving them in the disintegrating building. With outside help from the wind elemental, they escape the mansion and return to the city.

During dinner, Nezha tells everyone that the soul is whole. The threat of corruption over the soul’s pieces has been quelled, but now they must find the angel’s body and stop the demonic shadows from overthrowing the dimension. The next day, Nezha packs up to return temporarily to her dimension to catch up on her studies and spend time with her family.