WWE Monday Night Raw 3/28/11

WWE open.

CM Punk is sitting Indian style in the ring. We’re LIVE from Chicago. He cuts a promo about Randy Orton. He blames the New Nexus for their own misfortunes. They show Punk’s attack on Orton at Orton’s bus last week. He says he’ll close this chapter at Mania. Randy Orton limps out with his knee taped up. They brawl. Orton hits the DDT OF MURDER and humps the mat despite his injured knee. Orton goes for the punt, but his knee gives out and Punk escapes. He realizes that this would be a good time to take advantage of a wounded opponent and returns to the ring to taunt him, then kicks him in the injured knee. Punk delivers the Go 2 Sleep.

Tonight, The Undertaker and Triple H will face off! So will John Cena, The Miz, and The Rock.

Edge and Christian meet up backstage. Edge talks about the stupidity of Teddy Long saying he can’t touch Alberto Del Rio on Smackdown, but the iBooker says he can. Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio from Smackdown.

Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Josh Matthews are the announcers. Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge & Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio & Brodus Clay. Del Rio & Clay are of course introduced by Ricardo Rodriguez. Edge and Clay start. Clay is awesome at beating and being beaten. Edge and Christian make quick tags and try to work Clay’s arm over. They bundle him out of the ring and Christian gos for a dive. Clay catches him, but Edge knocks him down with a baseball slide dropkick. Commercials. Del Rio works Christian’s arm, having gained the advantage during the break. Del Rio and Clay keep the heat going on Christian. Edge gets the hot tag and runs wild. Edge goes for the spear on Clay, but Del Rio trips him from the outside. Christian attacks Del Rio, who whips him into the barricade. Edge spears Clay for the pin in 8:15. The match was fine. Del Rio puts Christian in the cross armbreaker in the aisle. Edge chases Del Rio out of the building. Edge goes back to check on Christian. Del Rio attacks him from behind and puts him in the cross armbreaker.

Trish Stratus and Snooki are in a bar in New Jersey. Commercials.

Sin Cara vignette.

Chicago!

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley are backstage with an upside down WWE logo.

The iBooker dings in. Lawler believes this will be a good chance to fuck with Cole, but Cole, who routinely leaves the Cole Mine, now stays securely inside and reads the e-mail from his iPad. Cole announcers Lawler vs. Jack Swagger for tonight.

WWE Tag Team Champion Justin Gabriel (w/ WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett, WWE Tag Team Champion Heath Slater, & Ezekiel Jackson) vs. Santino Marella (w/ The Big Show, Kane, Vladimir Kozlov, & Tamina). These guys will have an 8-man tag at Mania. They lock up and wrestle a bit. Slater distracts Santino. Gabriel lands a spin kick for 2. Gabriel cranks on Santino’s arm. Santino throws him off and makes his comeback. Santino frighters Slater with the Cobra. Kane decks Slater. Kozlov trips Gabriel behind the referee’s back. Show and Kane take out the rest of the Corre at ringside. Santino hits the Cobra for the pin in 1:52. There ya go. All of the babyfaces celebrate jovially.

Plug for WWE All Stars, a very silly looking game.

Triple H is headed our way! Commercials.

Keri Hilson will perform America The Beautiful at WrestleMania. Never heard of her.

The Undertaker comes out. So does Triple H. So does Shawn Michaels. Michaels apologizes for interrupting, then proceeds to hype up the match. Michaels is mad that Triple H thinks he can do what Michaels couldn’t. Triple H says Michaels has gone soft. He talks about Undertaker’s dedication and says that’s why he chose to pattern himself after Taker. Triple H has this really great bit about how he and Shawn made a pact to tell each other when it was time to leave, and now he’s telling Taker it’s time for him to leave out of respect. Taker says if he ever needed someone to put him down, he’d want it to be Triple H, but it’s not time for that yet. He says he and the streak will both survive Mania. Taker talks about how Michaels failed twice despite his greatness and that is now humbled. He sort of shoves Michaels. Michaels goes for the superkick. Undertaker catches it and goes for the chokeslam. Triple H breaks it up and stares down Taker. He tells Shawn to tell Taker why he will beat him at Mania. Shawn leaves instead. Triple H calls out to him. Shawn looks back and says “You can’t win.” Taker tips his hat to Triple H and leaves. Fucking great segment.

Tonight a face off between Cena, Rock, and Miz that won’t be in the same universe as the one we just saw. Commercials.

Jack Swagger (w/ Michael Cole) vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler. Lawler comes out to new music that sucks compared to the music he’s always used in WWE. Cole gets on the apron. Lawler lunges for him. Swagger jumps Cole and beats him up. Swagger sends Lawler outside and throws him over the barricade so he can pose uninterrupted. Lawler clocks Swagger with a chair to cause the DQ in 1:16, then several more times to boot. He goes after Cole, who hides in the Cole Mine, so Lawler hits the Cole Mine, then tries to climb into it. He’s held back by Cole’s security. Cole throws liquid on him, then talks shit from the safety of his box.

Tonight, Cena/Rock/Miz stuff. Commercials.

Slam of the Week: John Morrison & Trish Stratus vs. Dolph Ziggler, LayCool, & Vickie Guerrero from last week, where Morrison did the job for Vickie Guerrero. Yes. That happened.

Vickie Guerrero comes out to be obnoxious and do John Morrison poses. I fast forward through her screaming with her nails on a chalkboard voice.

WWE United States Champion Sheamus & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. John Morrison & Daniel Bryan. Sheamus beats up Morrison. One of Morrison’s best roles is getting his ass kicked by Sheamus. Morrison decks Ziggler on the apron. Sheamus hits the Irish Curse for 2. Commercials. Morrison continues playing face in peril. Bryan tags in and locks Ziggler in the LeBell Lock. Sheamus kicks Bryan in the back of the head, then tags in and kills Bryan with a Polish Hammer. Morrison saves. Ziggler accosts Morrison and gets dropped with a Pele Kick. Sheamus sends Morrison outside. Bryan goes for the LeBell Lock. Sheamus counters, then avoids Bryan in the corner and hits the Razor’s Edge for the pin in 6:15. What the showed of it was pretty fun.

Earlier tonight, stuff went down between Randy Orton and CM Punk.

Randy Orton ices his injured knee backstage. Scott Stanford asks him if he’ll make it to Mania. He says he’ll make it there, but Punk won’t make it out.

The Rock comes out. He talks about how his first WrestleMania match was in this building. He goes on with his promo, the highlight of which is when he calls John Cena “a homeless Power Ranger.” Cena comes out and talks to Rock for a while. They get mad at each other and act like they’re gonna fight. WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley come out. Miz babbles for a while. Rock says it doesn’t matter what Miz thinks. Miz and Riley jump The Rock. Cena has disappeared. Rock makes his own comeback, knocks Riley out of the ring, and DDTs Miz and gives him the People’s Elbow, then throws him out of the ring. Cena comes back in and gives Rock the Attitude Adjustment.