(Closed) Why do people think the RSVP is optional?!?! *vent*

Why are people so terrible about responding to an invitation? My engagement party is in two weeks, yesterday was the RSVP date on the invitation, and the majority of people from FI’s family have not responded. I also had to chase down a few of my friends, but they did get back to me. My parents are hosting the party and therefore handling the guest list, and my mom is clearly put off that so many people haven’t responded at all. There are over 20 people we haven’t heard from. It’s just so annoying not being able to really know how many people to expect! We are having it catered (passed hors d’oeuvres) and we don’t want to pay for more food than we need, but we also want to make sure that we have enough. We’re also supplying our own alcohol, and we don’t want to end up with 10 extra bottles of wine. Is it that people now don’t want to pick up the phone and call or are people just so oblivious as to why getting a good headcount is important that they don’t realize how important it is to respond?

Is it rude if IF sends an e-mail to his family members asking if they can come? The problem is that he rarely sees or talks to his aunts and uncles, but they’re the people we haven’t heard from. It’s one thing to ask your friends that you see regularly, it’s another to e-mail an aunt you see twice a year just to ask her to RSVP. It also doesn’t help that the engagement invitation was how some of his family found out we were engaged since his parents didn’t tell their family until, like, 2 months after the fact.

I’m also a little hurt that so many people (people we definitely thought would come) have responded no. We understand that some people can’t afford to travel/spend a weekend in NYC, but a bunch of people live close-by and still aren’t coming. I know it’s just an engagement party and not the wedding, so people are obviously not going to bend over backwards to get there, but our wedding is two years away and we’ve been together for 6 years, so I thought people would be more excited about celebrating now. :-/

Ugh, anyway, I just needed to complain here. I’m probably coming off as very self-involved, but things like this just get to me.

@TGold: I think the answer to your question relates to exactly what you said at the end of your post. Most people who do not bother to RSVP are “self involved” — they either are distracted by other things in their lives, and the invitation to your event simply has fallen off their radar screens, OR they are very well aware that they need to give you an answer but aren’t yet ready to commit (even though the RSVP deadline has passed), because they don’t yet know if they’ll feel like attending/might be too tired/might have the opportunity to do something more exciting instead, etc.

Sorry you feel that way about the declines :/ TBH when my friends get engaged after that long I call to congratulate them but I don’t really feel the need to celebrate them being engaged. I also probably wouldn’t travel somewhere for an engagement party. I mean we will be celebrating their marriage soon enough. I would worry more about the wedding than the engagement party.

As far as the people who haven’t responded, it’s definitely not rude for your Fiance to call them. Maybe his parents could call?

@julies1949: I know you didn’t mean it this way, but I laughed so hard at interpreting your last statement as, “Remember this when it comes time to teach manners…if you have any.”

@TGold: I don’t understand this either. Maybe it’s because we’re much too mild about it on our invitations with “please” and “kindly” tagged on to requests to respond. The next time I have an event that warrants invitations, I’m going to tell people to “freaking respond by the date especially since I stamped it for you and everything you lazy bastards” and that people who don’t respond in time will be cut off from our lives forever. Even then, I’d only expect a slight increase in timely returns.

@julies1949: We asked them to RSVP by phone, since it’s not a super formal party. So, it’s not like they even have to drop anything off at the post office- just a phone call!

@HisMoon: Haha, maybe next time I’ll put “RSVP or else. My family has connections.”

My mom was a stickler for etiquette when I was growing up, so I RSVP as soon as I possibly can, and rarely have I missed an RSVP date. I guess I always try to make things as easy as possible for others, so it gets to me when they don’t do the same.

@TGold: Fiance and I had our engagement party two months ago…I had to chase down nearly every single person we invited (about 30). I was nice about it, always, but definitely had to stay on them for a dang yes or no. Not looking forward to when I send out the wedding invites to say the least, lol

Unfortunately, it seems to come with the territory. For people that have no hiccups in RSVP’s my god you’re lucky!

Some people think that they don’t have to. We had to track down a few people and one of them said, “Oh, I can’t you. You know that I go to [x] every year on that weekend.” Uh, no, we didn’t know that, but that’s why there’s a NO option on the RSVP.

I think people hesitate to RSVP because they want the option of not attending at the last minute. Say they wake up and just don’t feel like getting dressed up that day. Or someone calls with better plans. Selfish, but I think that’s what happens.

Unfortunately you’re not alone in this. A lot of people never RSVP because they think they don’t have to. “You KNOW we’re coming, why ask?” Because you could say no, even if you’re saying yes right now. It’s called thinking ahead. If I had a dollar for everytime I’ve had to chase up an RSVP (weddings, birthdays, other events), I’d be a millionaire, let me tell you!

We had people not responding to RSVPs at first, but we were also very fortunate to have my Mother-In-Law who seemed perfectly cheery to do the chasing down for us and had answers for nearly everybody within a couple of days.