Laugh at them, roll your eyes and say: "Are you bored or something? I have better things to do." Then leave.

Start by saying "Congrats!" to which most would reply to with a simple "Why?" to which you should reply "You have the social skills of a Rottweiler!"

3

Prepare beforehand. Read lists of comebacks[1] and select your favorites. Practice them in front of the mirror if need be. Then they can roll of your tongue when you decide the time is right.

4

Know the line between self-defense and bullying. It's okay to be snappy to a rude person, but it is not okay to become a bully yourself. Don't use insults that are based on gender, race, disability (intelligence-related or otherwise), weight, sexual orientation, etc. People will peg you as a bigot and avoid you. Furthermore, avoid insulting other people (e.g. mothers) in your comebacks.

If you're not sure whether you're using a group-based insult, consider how a member of that group would feel upon hearing you. For example, if you use the r-word, you may learn the hard way that you have an autistic friend when he runs away crying.

When in doubt, insult the person over something that is a choice, not a permanent characteristic. Being rude, acting like a loser, never showering, being judgemental, being a potty mouth, and immaturity are all choices. Names like "malodorous jerk" have a nice ring to them.

Animals and inanimate objects also make excellent comparisons for their words and actions. Get creative with things like baboons, garbage dumps, pigs, dishrags, or whatever you find particularly disgusting.

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Tips

If they always bother you when you're on your own, get your friends to come with you when they are near, or keep in a large group.

If your comeback isn't witty enough and people around you just don't get it, there will be an awkward silence. Make a joke out of it.

If you can't get an argument, just stare at someone you don't particularly like. If they say "What are you looking at?" reply, "That's what I'm trying to figure out."

Keep a "comeback database". Add new comments you 'just thought of' at home, copy from websites, anything. Read it often and add to it often. That way you're up to date. And get to revive old ones, giving a shocking effect.

In case your database is lost, keep some of your prize comebacks in the brain

Tell someone! Don't suffer in silence! If the first authority figure doesn't believe you, keep on telling people until you find someone who does.[2] You deserved to be believed and supported.

Some good ones:

Keep talking. Maybe if you're lucky, something intelligent will come out. Bet you were up all night thinking about that one Honey, we need to take a picture! That's the smartest thing you've ever said! (Sarcastic excited voice) Oh it's not like I haven't heard that one five billion times before. Me? Ugly? Maybe you just copy and paste your face onto everyone else's. Wait, first let me get two paper bags. One for you're face, and one to protect my eyes if they falls off.

Try to takedown the bully by his weakness.

If someone is staring at you say, "Take a picture it will last longer!" They will probably look away and stop. But remember, if they are opposite gender, they might be looking at you because they have a crush on you. But they could be looking at you in a mean way too. Don't say something rude unless they say something first.

Warnings

Try not to show a negative reaction (crying, threatening to tell on them) if you can avoid it. Bullies feel a sense of power if they see that you're upset. If you don't give it to them, they'll usually stop targeting you.

Don't play embarrassing pranks on your bullies. You may start a never ending prank war.