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Monday, May 21, 2018

Last Friday will definitely
go down in our family’s history as one of the most amazing and exciting days of
our lives. I woke up last Friday and felt I needed to write a bit about this pregnancy
and what I was going through. I always feel so much support from those of you
out there who read my blog and I needed some loving arms around me. I spent the
morning writing and it felt validating. Writing helped me clarify my thoughts
even more and I felt capable in this pregnancy journey. I was having a boy, I
was half way through and I was overcoming some difficult emotional, physical
and spiritual tests. Life was good.

I published my blog post (you can read that post here) and
later that afternoon, headed down to Phoenix
for my first ultrasound. At 20 weeks, I knew they could and would determine the
gender, but through a blood test at 12 weeks, I already knew it was a boy. My
friend Chandra was in town, so along with Eden
and Canyon there with me, the ultrasound tech lead us to the room and we got
started. She checked measurements, we listened to the heartbeat and then she
started checking to confirm gender. Now, when I took the blood test from a
company called SneakPeak, there was a
stipulation in the set of instructions. It said the test, which I could conduct
from the comfort of my own home, would be 99% accurate. The instructions also
said to not have the packaging handled by a male, not to conduct the blood test
in a bathroom that a male had recently used and to scrub your hands, including
underneath your fingernails to prevent any contamination. Wanting an accurate
read, I left my house, my five boys, my boy-dominated bathrooms and went down
to my parents with the test. My sister Anna was in town for Easter and she helped
me follow the instructions perfectly and conduct the test. After washing my
hands with hot water and soup, scrubbing my fingernails and drying my hands on
paper towels just out the package, I went into the bedroom where Anna was
staying, pricked my finger with a little contraption in the Sneak Peak box, and
slowly watched as little drops of my blood filled a small vile. When finished,
we snapped the lid on the container, placed the blood sample in a box, sealed
it and off it went to the post office. I couldn’t wait for the results
confirming I was having a girl. As you all know, that wasn’t the case. Just a
few days later, it was confirmed in an email that my blood work, as the email
stated showed with “100% accuracy” I was having a boy. Signed, sealed, delivered
– a little boy was on his way.

I know very few people put so
much emphasis on the gender of their baby, but I have a story about this baby
and it just wasn’t fitting the narrative I had been feeling and quite frankly,
witnessing.

After I had Canyon, I was
done having babies. Six children, five boys and one girl was great and Canyon
was healthy and strong. Eden
was a trooper and loved having a baby brother. Through intermittent fasting (you can read about that here), I
got my health back, I was moving along in my writing goals, I’d published 3 very
personal books and a coloring book in 2 years, I opened a publishing house, was
traveling, speaking, working with Rising Star India and I passionately
wanted to travel there to meet the girls I cared so deeply about. Canyon turned
two and potty-trained himself, he was more and more independent each day and
life had returned to a lovely routine. I’d made it out alive, so to speak when
on Thanksgiving day, I found out a dear friend of mine had suffered a heart
attack, fallen and had a brain bleed. His chances of survival were practically
zero. Derek and I committed to fasting the next day for him and so powerful was
that fasting experience I decided to do another 30-day fast in which I would
fast 16-18 hours a day. This meant I would fast every day until Christmas. The
experience immediately took on a very spiritual purpose. I couldn’t wait to
feel closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father, especially over the holidays.

On the third day of my fast,
I prayed for my friend in the hospital when a feeling overcame me. “Pray for a
baby,” the prompting said. What? I wasn’t even thinking about having another
baby. Was this about adopting a little girl? “Pray to have a baby,” I felt
again. Wow, I knew enough about how God speaks to me to understand I needed to
obey this prompting, so I did. In that quiet moment, I opened my mouth and
prayed for a baby. What happened left me speechless. A love came over me so
strong, so powerful that not only did I pray for a baby, I plead for her. And I
knew it was her. I could feel this wonderful opportunity that this was a gift I
was asking for, even pleading for. Derek and I had tried adopting a girl from India a year
earlier, but because of our age (we were too old), we didn’t quality. Did God
have something else in mind? My prayer became fervent and when I was finished,
I wondered what had just happened. I carried on with my day, checked in with my
friend’s husband and he was slowly making progress. He wasn’t out of the woods
yet, but he was stable. The next day, as I neared the end of my fast, I went
into pray. Again, the feeling came strongly over me, “Pray you will have a
baby.” Again, I opened my mouth and spoke to Heavenly Father, “Please grant me
this baby,” I plead. The love that poured over me left me in tears, like
sobbing. I knew who she was. I wanted her so bad. I'd seen her in a dream and so had Eden. Would God really grant her to me, to our family? This experience
happened one more time, the next day and I finally told Derek. This wonderful
husband of mine, who has loved and nurtured me since the day we meet,
completely was on board, but was I? Logic set in. This was crazy. I was 45
years old. Could I even get pregnant? And would I have a girl? After having
five boys, it certainly didn’t seem possible. I did some research and found at
my age, there’s about a 4% chance of becoming pregnant without some sort of
fertility help. There were ways to "try to have a girl", timing ovulation, changing the bodies alkalinity, etc., but I was skeptical. And yes, I was doing well, but things were still challenging in
my home. I had two particular boys who seemed to be “testing” most of the time,
a son graduating and preparing to leave on a mission, a cherished daughter who
I was eager to spend as much time with as possible and a two year old who still
wanted to be carried, cuddled and well, be the baby. Before all this happened,
I was thinking of going back to school for a master’s degree and really pushing
through on some of my career goals. Publishing books, working, traveling,
volunteering, and so on. Did a baby really fit into the equation? No, but deep
down I knew she was there and I wanted her more then anything else. God had
told me if I asked, she could be mine.

This is why the results I was
having a boy completely through me off kilter. Not only had I prayed for a
girl, not only did I get pregnant right away, but I had been told a girl was coming to me. It’s one thing to ask God
for a particular blessing, it’s another to be told by the spirit to prayer for
a special blessing God has in store for you. I was instructed to pray for a
baby, for her. I can’t think when I’ve ever been told by the spirit to pray for
a specific purpose. Usually, when I pray for something, those desires come from
my own heart.

So, there I lay at this
ultrasound last Friday knowing the test originally said 99% accuracy, but my
email confirming the blood work said male DNA was 100% detected in my blood
stream. In my mind, I didn’t even have the 1% chance the test was inaccurate
and I’d let that ship sail months ago any way.There was no way I was having this girl, EVER and I'd accepted that, but the technician was
having a difficult time finding the gender, “I think the baby’s legs are
crossed,” she said. She had me get up, drink some more water, wait about 10
minutes and this time, she had me lay on my side. I wasn’t sure if all this was
to determine the gender, or for more measurements and I’d learned since having
six babies, just let the ultrasound tech do her job. Don’t ask a ton of questions,
she can’t say anything until a doctor looks at the results anyway.

“Tell me about this blood
test you took? How accurate are the results?” she asked. My heart skipped a
bit. What was she asking? Why?

Don’t even go there, Laura, I said to myself, but my heart was practically
beating out of my chest.

I told her the results were
99%, well according to my test, 100% accurate, and she continued her search.
“I’m just not finding any male parts on this baby and I’ve been looking,” and
she sounded determined. “I’m about 99% this baby isn’t a boy. This looks like a girl, but let me get my supervisor.”

The supervisor came in and
started searching. My eyes were glued to the screen.There was a little bum, two legs, but where
was the boy part? I’d seen enough ultrasounds confirming it’s a boy to know
what to look for, but nothing.

“Why don’t you turn and lay
on your other side,” the supervisor suggested. Like a beached whale (I’m
already that big), and now in a third different position, I rolled myself and that giant belly over, more searching
when she typed on the screen, “It’s a girl.”

“This is a little girl,” she
said and showed me the proof. I gasped. I practically choked. Chandra just
stared. I don’t think Eden
had a clue what was going on. “You’re having a girl,” the supervisor said enthusiastically
and at this point, there were about five other employees in the room. By now,
everyone in the clinic knew what was going on. I was speechless.

How could I say, “I knew it!
I’ve been told all along this is a girl. I have had signs every where, in
nature, in impressions, in dreams, she was a girl. I'd been told her name. I’ve
seen her. I know her. She’s mine. She’s always been mine. I’ve been searching
around the world and into eternity for her. God granted her to me. He told me
she was mine if only I asked. Of course she’s a girl!”

And physically, I’d felt so
different with this pregnancy. I wasn’t gaining crazy weight, like I had with
my boys. My nose wasn’t fat, my face wasn’t puffy. I wasn’t getting wide, but
instead my belly was sticking straight out. My hair was crazy thick and growing
so fast, my skin was nourished, my cravings were healthy and sugar made me sick.
This was way different then when I carried my boys.

But, I just quietly took it
all in – her warmth, her presence, her gift, her female spirit. She was real
and she was really coming. She was mine forever.

I feel like a princess. I
wake up and say out loud, “It’s a girl.” I say her name. I’m starting to open
up to my impressions again, to have faith in how God speaks to me, to be
vulnerable to whatever the spirit wants to tell me, to trust myself again.

I’m not ready to look
backwards, to consider how much this trial hurt my ability to understand my
impressions, to hope I handled it the best way possible, to know I would have
loved another boy with all my heart. This was a tough one and my sister-in-law
Sasha, who gifted me the gender reveal test feels awful. “Will you ever forgive
me,” she pleads and we just hugged and laughed. She’d used SneakPeak
for her recent pregnancy and it had been accurate. She has a precious 8-week
old baby boy to prove it. Now that I've done a bit more research into this type of blood test, I must have had some "boy" DNA on my hair, or perhaps my shirt that contaminated the blood work. I guess even leaving my home didn't clean out all the boys I have around me. “We’ll always have SneakPeak,”
I said to Sasha. She's already been to Target and cleaned out the girl section
for this baby. When I called my sister Becky, she cheered on in her usual fashion, always supporting me, always cheering me on. "I knew it," she said! On our date night, Derek and I stopped to pick up some of her
first outfits too.

(On our date Saturday night.)

It’s so surreal. Just last week at Goodwill, I found some
darling little boy clothes and there they are, sitting in a box in my closet. I’ve
already told Sasha I have a box of clothes and shoes for her little baby boy.

I’m so thankful I followed
through on what God told me to do. I am 45, pregnant, sick as a dog, some days
barely getting by, loving on my kids, preparing wholesome food when I can,
thankful beyond words, closer to my husband then I’ve ever been, living in a
state of gratitude and grace, and leaning on friends and family. I just marvel
at this life.

(My oldest and my youngest at church on Sunday.)

People keep reminding me I’ll be pregnant through an Arizona summer, but I’m
all in, praying for this little girl to be healthy and to know she’s loved from
here to heaven and back.

5 comments:

I am so happy for you and your family. What a magnificent experience. The Spirit told me about our last baby - that I carried a male child and what his name needed to be. During my 20 week sonogram the doctor told me I was carrying a girl. I was shocked. The doctor asked me if I was okay with that because I seemed upset. I said, "Yes, I'm fine. I was just sure it was a boy." For weeks after that I struggled with my ability to receive personal revelation and questioned everything. Fast forward to 32 weeks. My water broke at church. I rushed to the hospital. My husband was out of town and couldn't be reached. My mom and I discussed girl names (because my husband and I could never decide on one) while the sonographer checked on my baby. She asked me if someone told me I was having a girl. I said, "yes, my ob told me from the 20 week ultrasound that I'm having a girl. Why do you ask?" She said, "Because I see boy parts." Why did I ever doubt? I knew what I had been told. Our son arrived 8 weeks early - although completely healthy - and has kept us on our toes for 20 years now.

What is My Dear Trash?

After I was sexually abused, I felt like trash. Through God's love, I was able to find my worth again. My Dear Trash is about finding value where others may not see it, in ourselves, in our world, in our unborn and in our relationships and with God.

View the book trailer for my memoir Starving Girl by clicking on the image below.