Comedy of Errors
By
William Shakespeare
Act III:
Scene 1

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all.My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:Say that I linger'd with you at your shopTo see the making of her carcanet,And that to-morrow you will bring it home.But here's a villain that would face me down.He met me on the mart; and that I beat him,And charg'd him with a thousand marks in gold;And that I did deny my wife and house: — Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know:That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show;If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.I think thou art an ass.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.Marry, so it doth appearBy the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.I should kick, being kick'd; and being at that pass,You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.You are sad, Signior Balthazar; pray God our cheerMay answer my good will and your good welcome here.

BALTHAZAR.I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.

BALTHAZAR.Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.

BALTHAZARSmall cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.But, soft; my door is lock'd: go bid them let us in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Jen!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.[Within] Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch:Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st for such store,When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on's feet.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.Who talks within there? Ho, open the door!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.Right, sir; I'll tell you when an you'll tell me wherefore.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.Wherefore! For my dinner: I have not dined to-day.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.Nor to-day here you must not; come again when you may.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.What art thou that keep'st me out from the house I owe?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.O villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name;The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,Thou wouldst have chang'd thy face for a name, or thy name for anass.

LUCE.[Within.] What a coil is there! Dromio, who are those at thegate?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.Let my master in, Luce.

LUCE.Faith, no, he comes too late;And so tell your master.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.O Lord, I must laugh; — Have at you with a proverb: — Shall I set in my staff?