my body! my business!

Friday, 19 July 2013

So I have now been home 3 weeks today. Within these 3 weeks I've signed on to job seekers, somehow now managed to get 2 jobs and finally managed to catch up with all my friends and family. I never ever wanted to leave London. Not only for the independence reasons but due to the worry of having to come back to town with such a small minded mentality. In the last 6 years (since leaving comprehensive school) I have learnt to accept and love my body for the way it is. I have fluctuated between sizes and weights I'll admit, but I always have and probably always will be plus size. I say since leaving comprehensive school because those 5 years become an awkward battle with being happy and accepting myself. Not only were they the most crucial years turning into a woman but I believe they were the years that truly shaped me. I have been bullied all my life throughout education, comprehensive school definitely didn't get any easier. Forever being ashamed as I couldn't fit in the uniforms provided and having to adapt mine to fit, teachers trying to convince me to lose weight and be like 'the other kids', not forgetting the horrible taunts and names teenagers come up with. I found my feet though through a group of friends with the same interests. I owe everything to that group of people who took me in without judging me on anything but my music taste. Through university, in my final year I finally took the courage to devote all of my research into what was (and what some may say still) a neglected part of the fashion industry. I had never ever been encouraged to devote so much time or research into this area despite always being plus size. If anything I was always told I couldn't more than I could throughout my educational years. Plus size is still not at the point of full acceptance. Between plus size bloggers/fashionistas amongst there is a clear understanding but to those unknown there is still a lot in the way of education and changing mentality towards the word 'fat' and plus size.I come from a small town just at the beginning of the valleys. The majority of people here are supportive, kind and generous. Like every place it has it's black sheep. If your not down the local pub on a weekend, you're in having a take away. It's a town where people talk and chinese whispers turns from a game to a real life reality. I haven't lived here properly for the last 4 years and well nothings changed. When the opportunity arose to move to London and help pursue my career I took the bull by it's horns and left. I didn't even think twice. When it come to the reality I had to move back I was literally a bag of nerves. Excited to see my friends but nervous and worried I would cave back in my shell and not feel happy, confident and most importantly accepted like I had been in London.Reading things between people I knew ' I'm glad we share a hatred of fat people,' ' sat with a fat woman in front of me on the beach, put it away.' The whole 6 months I spent in London never did I become victim to fat shaming, if anything it shocked me at how un acknowledged I was, but how supportive the people who I met were about my body shape. Never had I had someone be jealous of my big bum, envious of my small waist and huge hips. The experiences and people I met in London completely opened my eyes to a full acceptance to who I am.To the point of this little rant though. I've been back in Risca 3 weeks. I've experienced more small mindedness in these past 3 weeks than I did in 6 months. I've been told how ugly I am and how I shouldn't be proud to show my body in a tight dress and how I should dress appropriately but what concerns me more is the amount of fat shaming I've experience from my own mother. 'you're wearing your 'fat pants' with that outfit aren't you?' you're not wearing a short tight dress like that?'Through my experience though I think I am now fully acceptable of my size, shape and body. Where as before I would of caved in, cried, hated myself and dug myself in a downward spiral I haven't. I've completely shrugged it off and not let it eat away at the surface. I think the whole point to this was just to reflect and thank my whole experience of living in London, the people I met and the people who believed in me enough to accept me into their businesses to work. I'm gutted I'm not living there anymore, but I will always keep in contact with everyone I met. I'm already planning my return, to a place I believe is more home now than Risca will ever be

Love

Michaela

xo

at
15:40:00

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2 comments

Thank you for this fab post Michaela. It really resonates with me as I too come from a small village in Wales and like you, I've had nasty comments from people all my life, even from my own mother (in fact she's my worst critic!). I now live outside Cardiff and although I'm a bit older and wiser and care less about what others think, that small town mentality you refer to is still alive and kicking. Get back to London girl! It's too late for me but you can do it! x