Will He Ever Talk to Me Again? Reconnecting with Your Ex Boyfriend

“Will he ever talk to me again?” That’s something many women ask after they go through a difficult break up. Intellectually they know that there’s a very good chance that they’ll speak to their ex boyfriend again but emotionally they feel lost and very alone. It’s incredibly challenging, from an emotional standpoint, to go from enjoying the company of the man you love to not being able to speak or interact with him at all. You may feel that your life has lost a good part of its meaning and you’re going to wander around wondering what, if anything, you can do to remedy the situation so you two can get back on the path towards happiness that you were on. Every situation is unique and each woman in your position has her own set of issues to deal with, but generally speaking you can certainly reopen the lines of communication with your ex again which should be viewed as a foot in the door towards reconciliation.

Before you do anything I want you to take a moment to think back to how things were right before the break up. Time has a way of softening the emotions that we experience when we’re first dumped or when we break off the relationship. Back then you likely felt very angry and upset. If your boyfriend told you he didn’t love you anymore you may have even thought about revenge. You were driven by very difficult emotions. Now, since a bit of time has passed since you two were together, you probably are thinking about the good times and all the wonderful moments you two shared. That’s a natural progression of feelings and it’s important to recognize it as such. Just because you’re intent on getting him back, the problems you were experiencing before you split won’t magically disappear.

That’s why it’s often a good idea to think about how you can apologize for whatever you might have done that played a role in things going sour between you and the man you adore. I know, from personal experience, that it’s easy to point the finger of blame at him if he dumped you, but he wouldn’t have done so if things were going well. Perhaps, like me, you let your insecurities shine through and he grew tired of your jealousy nature. Maybe it had more to do with the pressure you were putting on him to take the relationship to the next level. Consider now what you might have done differently because that’s something you’ll have to be mindful of if, and when, you two do find your way back together.

Using No Contact After the Break Up

I know that you’ve heard a lot about the concept of no contact. If you haven’t, I’ll give you a quick primer. Essentially it’s all about giving you and your ex boyfriend both some breathing room after the break up. You make a promise to yourself that you won’t contact him for at least a few weeks. I always advise women to make it at least three weeks. Your goal with this is to get stronger emotionally before you talk with him. I know, from when I went through a break up, that it’s hard to keep your composure at times right after the split. By taking a break, as in no contact, you’ll be able to distance yourself emotionally a little from the actual break up, which is incredibly helpful.

If you do this and your ex boyfriend contacts you during the no contact period, that’s great. Don’t ignore him, whatever you do. Be polite and friendly, but don’t delve into the why’s of the break up or the how’s of getting back together. You don’t want to do that too soon.

Once you do feel it’s time to open the old relationship wound begin by saying you’re sorry for what happened. If he’s receptive, that’s an incredibly good sign. Don’t push him to talk about things if he’s not ready yet. That could be disastrous.

I want to point out how you need to be patient as you start talking to him again. Don’t contact him every day and don’t send him a flurry of text messages. Let him help you set the pace by watching how he responds and taking note of how often he’s initiating contact. If you take it at a calm and easy pace, you’ll soon find that you two are talking more than ever and things are getting back to where you want them to be.

Text messages are actually becoming an important part of the communication dynamic between exes. You can use text messages in a very significant way during a break up to grab your ex boyfriend’s attention again.

I have been sitting here and i can say i honestly loved my x bf matt and i still do we were together for a year but im not goin to lie we hit a very very rough patch and most of it was my fault but i easily blamed it on him sadly cause i didnt want the reputation of a bad gf I let my insecurities and jealousy issues get the best of me and i regret that cause i kno if i would of actually just risked my chance of getting hurt that i could of been a way better girlfriend to him like he deserves. i should have never doubted him he has never gave me any reason not to trus him so i am at fault here i do know this. i have realized how much he means to me. i should have never caused issues between him and his family that was immature and not right of me because they were in his life way before me and i am sorry for that. i know that i can overcome my past and be a better ruth and friend and gf. im not goin to lie ether i am very immature but at times i am mature i just have a very hard way of coping with things when they dont go my way i have tried time and time again to break this habbit i kno i say ill do better next time i have said it every break up but i do mean it now that i do see that im not only hurting myself but also my family and friends and those who are around me including my x matt. he would say i get angry too much and too easily and i do agree with him thats why i have enrolled in counceling i want to ask him to patricipate with me even if were not dating. I dont want to completley lose him he means more to me than that. if i have to be i will be his friend but ill always want more. in counceling i am hoping to learn how to handle my anger and depression and get some medicine to help stable my moods so i can be happier im tired of bein angry and upset all the time it really is affecting my future. he says it gets so bad that at times he didnt even want to be around me at times cause he knew i was goin to get mad at him for no reason which is true when i get mad i get mad at everyone. i need to work on my trust way more and quit making false accusations and blaming everyone but myself. i am guilty just like everyone else i am not perfect i am human i do make mistakes and this time i am learning a lesson. the break up was my fault i love him i dont hold anything against him its been two weeks i miss him he said maybe to talkin to me this weekend. shud i ask him to a movie as friends? and like do u think will get back together? and shud i wait or move on? pleasse help im very lost i love this boy and want one last shot with him.

Hi Ruth – I want to begin by saying that you should be very proud of yourself. You’re doing something that many women don’t take the time to do after their break up. You’re working on improving who you are as a partner, but more importantly, as an individual. Relationships can be very complicated because of all the emotions that accompany them. You two went through a rough patch but now you’re taking active and important steps to be a better person. That definitely is going to impact your connection with Matt in the future. My best advice is to give it some time and keep the focus on you. Once you feel a bit stronger, you should ask him to a movie as friends, but make it clear, that you really want to focus on the friendship. If you do that, Matt isn’t going to feel pressured into anything. He’ll begin to see the improvements in you and he’ll instinctively know that you made those changes because of what you saw in yourself after the break up. It’s important that you keep a connection alive with him, even if it’s just friends. Let time help you along and don’t rush anything.

Hey HelpfulDiva,
It’s been nearly a year since the last time my ex Mark and I spoke. A lot has changed since then. I have been fortunate enough to meet someone else, and now I’m in a very committed relationship with a man I trust and love deeply. So herein lies where I desperately need advice. Not too long ago, I saw Mark. It was literally a fleeting second: he was driving one way and I was driving the other. We live in the same area and we frequent the same spots, but I had never run into him. I recognized him and his car instantly, but I don’t think he noticed me. I was so surprised and shaken to see him that I had to pull over to catch my breath. Since then I have been constantly thinking about him and dreaming about when we were together. It’s driving me up the wall that after such hard work and determination to forget him, I feel I’ve come full circle and I’m back to square one. My current boyfriend doesn’t know I’m having this problem, I didn’t want to cause unnecessary drama and tension between us so I haven’t told him. I don’t think I want to get back together with Mark, but we ended with very little closure and I miss having him as a friend. On top of everything, I just found out I got accepted to transfer to the same university he attends, so I get the feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot more of him very soon. How can I approach talking to him and moving past everything?
Sincerely, Lydia

Hi Lydia – You’re in a delicate situation and one I can relate to. There are often a lot of unresolved feelings that bubble to the surface when an ex boyfriend comes charging back into your life. From what you’ve written, the new man in your life sounds incredibly special. I sense that you don’t want to risk losing that to reconnect with Mark again. The best advice I can offer is tread very carefully when you do see Mark. Try and focus on what drove you two apart, rather than the good times. When we see an old boyfriend face-to-face we often are flooded with only the good memories. There is a real emotional familiarity there that can get in the way of clear thinking. I think you’re wise to want to have a plan of action before you see Mark. Perhaps you can say to him that you’re in a committed relationship right now that is incredibly important to you but you miss having him as a friend. To punctuate this point I’d ensure that your new guy is aware of Mark. It’s not necessary to tell him yet but if you do decide to pursue a friendship with your ex, it’s important to be open about that for a couple of reasons. One is that ex boyfriends can be very intimidating to a new man in a woman’s life. If you’re straightforward about it and don’t hide it, your new boyfriend will feel much less threatened. Also, by being open you’re showing Mark that you and your new guy trust one another completely and that silently suggests that you’re truly not looking for anything more than a friendship. Please just be certain that you do want a friendship. Think clearly about what Mark brought to your life in the past and if it’s worth opening up that dynamic again. In life and love, Gillian

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