This is the first book that I am seriously trying to write and especially trying to finish. I worry that the starting chapter doesn't have enough of something to truly grab someone's attention and have them want to read more. I've now written and rewritten this quite a few times, but it still seems to be lacking. And I feel like if I can't get the beginning right, how can the rest of the book be written. Any thoughts, comments, critiques are much needed and much appreciated. I will be sure to return the favor.

To be entirely honest, I see what you are saying. The story was enjoyable, but the intro didn't do it justice. My recommendation is to delete the first paragraph entirely along with the first sentence of the second paragraph. These parts wimply did not add to the story. Another option is to add much more detail into the first paragraph, perhaps to the extent that you personify the ring, but I wouldn't recommend it. The whole scene simply didn't make much sense or add anything to the story. After you remove these rough edges it is excellent aside from a few wording issues (I would recommend that you remove rhetorical if you proceed to state that he did not respond and have a question that begs a response). I will be reading the rest of the story as you post it.

I wanted to say that first off, I liked it. What doesn't sit right with me is that sometimes you switch between present and past tense. A prime example of this is the line "He WALKS out in his plush robe I bought for him last Christmas, it fit him well, he HAD a body of a Greek statue." Also personally I think you use commas way too much. I'm not a grammar expert, but I think when you change subject or clarify something in a sentence you need a semicolon?

Your style is like a stream of consciousness which is great, but is very difficult to write fluidly. I don't know, maybe that's the point, but the contrast between that and your dialogue is jarring because your speech seems very unnatural. It isn't necessary to write anything after speech - sometimes it's better to allow to reader to feel the way something is being said instead of telling it.

Still, the concept is good, you have a lot to work with here. I see I'm a little late in a response haha, but I hope it was a little helpful.

About this group

The Critiques Wanted group is aimed at authors who are looking for serious, detailed critiques and assessments of their work. If you think you've got a great piece of writing, gather up your courage and post it here for review.

If you're just looking for a quick pat on the back, or simply for someone to "read my story", this may not be the group for you. Instead, you'll be best served if you really want some solid discussion regarding what you're doing right or wrong, and how you can improve your writing, both technically and stylistically.