One of England’s greatest all-round performances has left Australia needing to win two of the next three games against an England team which has lost only three of its 24 Tests since their Kingston debacle in the Strauss-Flower regime’s inauspicious debut game. The baggy greens (so called not due to their headgear, but because their captain’s face is becoming baggier by the session, and greener with envy every time he sees Graeme Swann bowl) will have to do so with a bowling attack that has thus far been historically inept – averaging 84 runs per wicket in the series, compared with its previous worst figure of 63. On current form, Australia appear to have as much chance of regaining the Ashes as Rolf Harris would have of beating Mozart in a concerto-composing competition.

Few England teams can ever have played a more complete match. It helped that they took as many wickets in the first ten minutes than Australia were able to take in 17 hours of bowling in Brisbane and Adelaide before they finally removed Alastair Cook. I think most England fans would have accepted the offer of Katich and Ponting lasting an average of half a ball each in the first innings (the first instance in Test history of a team’s Nos. 2 and 3 failing to last as many as two balls). As they would have accepted the offer of Cook scoring 450 runs in his first three innings, more than he had in his previous 17 Ashes innings put together.

After that initial Katich-and-Anderson-inspired blast, Strauss’s men were unrelenting with the ball on a mostly placid pitch, close to flawless in the field, and sadistic with the bat against bowlers who, by the end of England’s innings, were leaving the field at the end of their spells not for a rub-down from a masseur, but for a cuddle from their mummies. England were brilliant, ruthless and purposeful; Australia uncertain, undisciplined and brittle. At some point since 2006-07, the two nations have clearly participated in an adjective swapping programme.

Australia may find a barely edible morsel of hope from England’s performances following a similarly majestic thrashing of South Africa in Durban a year ago – they struggled to narrowly avoid defeat in Cape Town before being obliterated in Johannesburg. As a matter of considerable urgency, however, Australia will have to set their top scientists to work in a secret Frankenstein-style laboratory to create at least two artificial fast bowlers capable of taking 15 wickets for not many in not much time, as Steyn and Morkel did at the Wanderers.

One assumes that the scientists responsible for creating Xavier Doherty have been fired. Of the nine spinners Australia have tried since Warne finally hung up his wrist, only Hauritz has played more than four matches. If Doherty becomes the second, the Australian cricketing public will not be scratching their heads so much as chainsawing their scalps off. The Australian seamers have scarcely provided their beleaguered tweaker with the ideal canvas on which to display his skills, but a selection that appeared odd at the time is now looking like the cricketing equivalent of asking a kebab-shop chef who had sliced your doner quite neatly to step up a couple of levels and perform open-heart surgery on you.

This has all provided rather belated vengeance for similarly scorecarded drubbings meted out by the 1993 Australians at Lord’s and, Two tests later, Headingley. England changed six of their team between those two hoofings – will the Australian selectors attempt to match that? They and their team appear to have modelled their strategy and performance on 1993 England, so perhaps it is not out of the question.

England, meanwhile, merely need to avoid one of their occasional meltdowns – three of their four losses under Strauss-Flower have been by an innings, the other, against Pakistan at The Oval, involved losing their last seven wickets for 28 – to be almost certain of their third Ashes win in the last four series, and their fourth in the last 13.

To conclude, some more stats:

• Over the last two years, England have been anything but the world-class batting line-up they have appeared so far in this series. In their three previous major series, only Trott (50) had an average of over 40. The rest of England’s current top seven all averaged between 27 and 38 (with double-centurions Cook and Pietersen both below 30).

• England have posted six century partnerships in the first two Tests. This is more than they posted in any of their eight consecutive losing Ashes series from 1989 to 2002-03. Only once since Don Bradman retired in 1948 have England scored six or more century partnerships in an Ashes series and not won the series (1975). Their record for any Ashes series is nine, in the victorious campaigns of 1970-71, 1985 and 2005.

• England’s five centuries already equals their best in an Ashes series since 1986-87. They have only once lost an Ashes series in which they have scored more than five hundreds (1924-25).

• Shane Watson has reached 30 in all nine innings he has played against England, but has a highest score of 62. Marcus North, by contrast, has reached 30 in only three of his 11 Ashes innings, but has gone on to score two centuries and a 96. If Australia could find a way of surreptitiously swapping North for Watson when the latter reaches 30 – perhaps causing a distraction by making Doug Bollinger sprint naked onto the outfield and effecting the switchover whilst the umpires and England players ran for cover – they would have the new Don Bradman.

• This is the first Ashes series since 1938 that England have scored two double-centuries. Let us all hope and pray that Cook and Pietersen have not unwittingly uncorked another world war, like last time.

• England have not topped 500 in successive Ashes Tests since 1928-29. Stand back for yet another Wall Street Crash in a year or so.

Andy Zaltzman is a stand-up comedian, a regular on the BBC Radio 4, and a writer

Regarding Rolf Harris an Mozart in a concerto-composing competition my money's on Rolf mainly due to the fact that he's actually still alive!

fanedlive
on December 15, 2010, 11:56 GMT

so so happy seeing da downfall of Aussies....at one stage of international cricket their Ego dominated their victory.....sledging da opp players....carelessness...headstrong....thought SA wd be da right person for arrongant aussies but now even bangladesh can put a tough fight against the Aussies...da Aussies seem to ve incurred da plight of Windies a decade back....
i sincerely wish these defeats ll trash da aussies to ground so their Ego....

Great idea with the Watson/North swap, I can only see 1 problem. North has an average of about 6 when he comes in with the score below 150, Watson would have to bat painfully slowly for this plan to work.

fanedlive
on December 9, 2010, 8:31 GMT

What do you eat for breakfast or drink at evening (or do you do them reverse?) to come up with such masterpieces everytime? This time perhaps was a step ahead, making him literally LoL. Fortunately, no one is in my office to hear me!
"Going to mummies for a cuddle", "swapping Watson & North and sending Dougie to run naked..", were hilarious (in fact scrumptuous for a Thanksgiving or Christmas meal!) "record for no.2 & 3 lasting just one ball" and then linking two previous records to the Great Depression and the World War shows your presence of mind. In fact, we are not far away from a repetition of both these situations looking at what is (not) cooking in the US and the Euro and in North & South Korea.

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 14:15 GMT

"If Australia could find a way of surreptitiously swapping North for Watson when the latter reaches 30 – perhaps causing a distraction by making Doug Bollinger sprint naked onto the outfield and effecting the switchover whilst the umpires and England players ran for cover – they would have the new Don Bradman."

:-)

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 13:09 GMT

Brilliant blog again Andy, I hope to see three more similar blogs over the next few weeks....

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 10:41 GMT

nice one andy!!!!

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 7:29 GMT

Sir, how do you manage to produce such incredulous stats and comments, especially the last 3!! Please tell us the secret(s) behind it, (for instance, what you eat and drink, etc etc) :-P
All in all, may you continue like this forever; world war or not!!

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 6:53 GMT

Andy, you rock! Wonderful to read your writings...

And well, @your nostradamic predictions in the last 2 paragraphs, we have 2012 nearing... so you definately have something there!

fanedlive
on December 15, 2010, 14:44 GMT

Regarding Rolf Harris an Mozart in a concerto-composing competition my money's on Rolf mainly due to the fact that he's actually still alive!

fanedlive
on December 15, 2010, 11:56 GMT

so so happy seeing da downfall of Aussies....at one stage of international cricket their Ego dominated their victory.....sledging da opp players....carelessness...headstrong....thought SA wd be da right person for arrongant aussies but now even bangladesh can put a tough fight against the Aussies...da Aussies seem to ve incurred da plight of Windies a decade back....
i sincerely wish these defeats ll trash da aussies to ground so their Ego....

Great idea with the Watson/North swap, I can only see 1 problem. North has an average of about 6 when he comes in with the score below 150, Watson would have to bat painfully slowly for this plan to work.

fanedlive
on December 9, 2010, 8:31 GMT

What do you eat for breakfast or drink at evening (or do you do them reverse?) to come up with such masterpieces everytime? This time perhaps was a step ahead, making him literally LoL. Fortunately, no one is in my office to hear me!
"Going to mummies for a cuddle", "swapping Watson & North and sending Dougie to run naked..", were hilarious (in fact scrumptuous for a Thanksgiving or Christmas meal!) "record for no.2 & 3 lasting just one ball" and then linking two previous records to the Great Depression and the World War shows your presence of mind. In fact, we are not far away from a repetition of both these situations looking at what is (not) cooking in the US and the Euro and in North & South Korea.

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 14:15 GMT

"If Australia could find a way of surreptitiously swapping North for Watson when the latter reaches 30 – perhaps causing a distraction by making Doug Bollinger sprint naked onto the outfield and effecting the switchover whilst the umpires and England players ran for cover – they would have the new Don Bradman."

:-)

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 13:09 GMT

Brilliant blog again Andy, I hope to see three more similar blogs over the next few weeks....

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 10:41 GMT

nice one andy!!!!

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 7:29 GMT

Sir, how do you manage to produce such incredulous stats and comments, especially the last 3!! Please tell us the secret(s) behind it, (for instance, what you eat and drink, etc etc) :-P
All in all, may you continue like this forever; world war or not!!

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 6:53 GMT

Andy, you rock! Wonderful to read your writings...

And well, @your nostradamic predictions in the last 2 paragraphs, we have 2012 nearing... so you definately have something there!

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 5:46 GMT

Andy Zaltzman,

Super article. I just love the way you write. It is very funny and enjoyable to read.

"They would have the new Don Bradman" - LOL

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 2:38 GMT

Too good Andy :) simply love your posts!!

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 1:46 GMT

ha ha funny as ever Andy. This Ashes is shaping out to be a one sided affair! I'm going to the next test at WACA. Big test for Swannie - spinners struggle there. And absence of tall Braod might just provide some boost to the aussies. Having said tht - India and South Africa have managed to beat them here - so why can't england? Keep it up mate.

fanedlive
on December 8, 2010, 1:24 GMT

I loved the part about the swapping of North for Watson, once he's made 30. That is quite a smart stat, from someone pretending to be a clown... I just love your posts, Andy.... har, har, har again

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 21:59 GMT

Hilarious! Top drawer stuff this!

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 21:58 GMT

still on the floor while typing. U r the best man!. "swapping trick" is THE best!

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 17:27 GMT

Great very funny, especially that picture stuff. lolx

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 17:26 GMT

/* If Australia could find a way of surreptitiously swapping North for Watson when the latter reaches 30 – perhaps causing a distraction by making Doug Bollinger sprint naked onto the outfield and effecting the switchover whilst the umpires and England players ran for cover */ - classic stuff Andy...ROTFL.:)

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 16:34 GMT

Those last two bullet points were absolutely classic.

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 16:16 GMT

Haha... Pickin on poor Dougie. Do you know something we don't? Couldn't agree more on the baggy greens getting baggier and green.

In one way your article it makes me very sad to realize that we might never see the two As (Aamir and Asif) who decimated this same English batting side.

Does anyone remember the talk of A. Cook being left out of the test side due to lack of form/technique? That was JUST 3 months ago!!! :(

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 15:49 GMT

very funny "perhaps causing a distraction by making Doug Bollinger sprint naked onto the outfield and effecting the switchover whilst the umpires and England players ran for cover – they would have the new Don Bradman."

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 15:44 GMT

As usual, not only sparklingly funny, but about the most astute analysis going around! (this comment from an Australian, sigh)

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 15:05 GMT

Haha... loved the bits about Aussie bowlers runnig to their mommies and swapping Watson and North.

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 13:37 GMT

As a matter of considerable urgency, however, Australia will have to set their top scientists to work in a secret Frankenstein-style laboratory to create at least two artificial fast bowlers capable of taking 15 wickets for not many in not much time, as Steyn and Morkel did at the Wanderers.

One assumes that the scientists responsible for creating Xavier Doherty have been fired.

Whhat amazing lines...........

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 13:32 GMT

That truly is a wonderful caption beneath the Ponting/Strauss photo. I could almost believe it.

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 12:39 GMT

Top form Andy, keep 'em coming.

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 12:36 GMT

THIS IS HILARIOUS
If Australia could find a way of surreptitiously swapping North for Watson when the latter reaches 30 – perhaps causing a distraction by making Doug Bollinger sprint naked onto the outfield and effecting the switchover whilst the umpires and England players ran for cover – they would have the new Don Bradman.
LOL :D

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 12:14 GMT

Hi

This may not be the right place to post my comments but i want to do it anyway. Although Australia lost this match heavily and are looking like a bunch of ship wrecks one has to remember that so did India after the 1st test against Steve waugh's Australia in 2001. Nobody expected that India would bounce back and win the series but they did with the help of a majestic innings from Laxman and Dravid. Australia also need that sort of inspiration now to turn this series and although i am no great fan of ponting i certainly want to see Ponting and Australia fight back. Australia may look like a below average team right now but frankly so did India till 4th day of the 2nd test in 2001 series. Its too early to say anything and i want ponting and co to fight back and make the series more interesting. If i got a chance to speak with Mr.Ponting now i will say the same to him. Its not over yet and there are still 3 tests left.

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 11:16 GMT

"If Australia could find a way of surreptitiously swapping North for Watson when the latter reaches 30 – perhaps causing a distraction by making Doug Bollinger sprint naked onto the outfield and effecting the switchover whilst the umpires and England players ran for cover – they would have the new Don Bradman."

Hilarious.

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 10:57 GMT

HILARIOUSLY BRILLIANT! One of the funniest articles ive read from Mr.Zaltzman. One assumes that the scientists responsible for creating Xavier Doherty have been fired..... hahah... on a relevant note, i have no idea what the Australian selectors were thinking!

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 10:42 GMT

What amazing article. Love the line where you said that the aussie bowlers needed a hug from their mommies.

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 9:58 GMT

I like the formula for creating a new bradman...way to go!!! nothing like seeing a 'baggy' and now 'green' ponting...hahaha

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 9:37 GMT

Not your best but it cranked into gear later on; it was mild to start with.
Liked the part about swapping North for Watson.

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 9:18 GMT

"Shane Watson has reached 30 in all nine innings he has played against England, but has a highest score of 62. Marcus North, by contrast, has reached 30 in only three of his 11 Ashes innings, but has gone on to score two centuries and a 96. If Australia could find a way of surreptitiously swapping North for Watson when the latter reaches 30 – perhaps causing a distraction by making Doug Bollinger sprint naked onto the outfield and effecting the switchover whilst the umpires and England players ran for cover – they would have the new Don Bradman." Can't control my laughter.

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 9:13 GMT

Andy Zaltzman u r too good man..love you!!!

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 9:11 GMT

hahaha....the comments on doherty, watson and north were rib-tickling...totally hilarious

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 8:57 GMT

hahaha brillaint article! couldnt help laughing!! good stuff!

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 8:49 GMT

Absolutely magnificent Andy...Was eagerly waiting for your article to appear since Swann took the last wicket. Worth every minute of my wait!!...Thanks a lot mate you simply rock in your "stall" :-)

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 8:22 GMT

Brilliantly hilarious!

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 8:17 GMT

Ha... last 3 stats were priceless... seriously tho, as a neutral, i dont think aussies have a chance in this series... 2-0 or 3-0 to England i think... aussies wud struggle to bowl out even bangladesh... having said that, i am disappointed wid de aussies coz all said and done, they've been an amazing team over de last couple of decades or so...

No featured comments at the moment.

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 8:17 GMT

Ha... last 3 stats were priceless... seriously tho, as a neutral, i dont think aussies have a chance in this series... 2-0 or 3-0 to England i think... aussies wud struggle to bowl out even bangladesh... having said that, i am disappointed wid de aussies coz all said and done, they've been an amazing team over de last couple of decades or so...

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 8:22 GMT

Brilliantly hilarious!

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 8:49 GMT

Absolutely magnificent Andy...Was eagerly waiting for your article to appear since Swann took the last wicket. Worth every minute of my wait!!...Thanks a lot mate you simply rock in your "stall" :-)

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 8:57 GMT

hahaha brillaint article! couldnt help laughing!! good stuff!

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 9:11 GMT

hahaha....the comments on doherty, watson and north were rib-tickling...totally hilarious

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 9:13 GMT

Andy Zaltzman u r too good man..love you!!!

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 9:18 GMT

"Shane Watson has reached 30 in all nine innings he has played against England, but has a highest score of 62. Marcus North, by contrast, has reached 30 in only three of his 11 Ashes innings, but has gone on to score two centuries and a 96. If Australia could find a way of surreptitiously swapping North for Watson when the latter reaches 30 – perhaps causing a distraction by making Doug Bollinger sprint naked onto the outfield and effecting the switchover whilst the umpires and England players ran for cover – they would have the new Don Bradman." Can't control my laughter.

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 9:37 GMT

Not your best but it cranked into gear later on; it was mild to start with.
Liked the part about swapping North for Watson.

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 9:58 GMT

I like the formula for creating a new bradman...way to go!!! nothing like seeing a 'baggy' and now 'green' ponting...hahaha

fanedlive
on December 7, 2010, 10:42 GMT

What amazing article. Love the line where you said that the aussie bowlers needed a hug from their mommies.