12 Tips for Raising a Child Who Won't Sexually Assault

One in four women has been sexually abused before the age of 18. Nearly one in five college women reports being sexually assaulted, or experiencing an attempt at sexual assault, since entering college. The epidemic of sexual violence has most certainly made headlines recently, in the wake of the misogynist writings of the killer at UCSB. The hashtag #yesallwomen has caught fire on twitter, meant to symbolize that although by no means are all men misogynistic, all women have very likely experienced the effects of the men who are. It seems that at long last, the U.S. might finally be primed for a more serious conversation about the reality of our rape culture and how to change it.

As a mom of two daughters, I’m well aware of our culture's emphasis on teaching our daughters to protect themselves from sexual assault. But as the mother of a son as well, I get frustrated by the lack of conversation about how to raise our sons to not be the assaulters. Of course, sexual violence and abuse—and any kind of violence and abuse—knows no gender or sexual orientation boundaries. Research says one in six men has been sexually abused or assaulted, and some of those perpetrators are women. It's extremely important to teach ALL of our children about respect, consent, and healthy boundaries.

Below are just twelve of their tips—things you can start doing today with your young children, and a few for older children and teens as well. Read the full original piece for even more, for all age groups. So, you've been wondering how to make a difference? Start today, with your own child, and may the benefits pay off for decades to come.

1) Teach your children to ask permission before touching or hugging a playmate. Use language such as, “Sarah, let’s ask Joe if he would like to hug bye-bye.” If Joe says “no” to this request, cheerfully tell your child, “That’s okay, Sarah! Let’s wave bye-bye to Joe and blow him a kiss.”

2) Help create empathy within your child by explaining how something they’ve done may have hurt someone. Use language like, “I know you wanted that toy, but when you hit Mikey, it hurt him and he felt very sad. And we don’t want Mikey to feel sad because we hurt him.” Encourage your child to imagine how he or she might feel if Mikey had hit them, instead. This can be done with a loving tone and a big hug, so the child doesn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed.

3) Teach your kids to help others who may be in trouble. Talk to kids about helping other children*, and alerting trusted grown-ups when others need help. Ask your child to watch interactions and notice what is happening. Get them used to observing behavior and checking in on what they see. Use the family pet as an example, “Oh, it looks like the kitty’s tail is stuck! We have to help her!!”Praise your child for assisting others who need help, but remind them that if a grown-up needs help with anything, that it is a grown-up’s job to help. Praise your child for alerting you to people who are in distress, so that the appropriate help can be provided.

4) Never force a kid to hug, touch, or kiss anybody, for any reason. If Grandma is demanding a kiss, and your child is resistant, offer alternatives by saying something like, “Would you rather give Grandma a high-five or blow her a kiss, maybe?” You can always explain to Grandma, later, what you’re doing and why. But don’t make a big deal out of it in front of your kid. If it’s a problem for Grandma, so be it, your job now is doing what’s best for your child and giving them the tools to be safe and happy, and help others do the same.

5) Teach your kids that “no” and “stop” are important words to be honored. One way to explain this may be, “Sarah said ‘no’, and when we hear ‘no’ we always stop what we’re doing immediately. No matter what.” Also teach your child that his or her “no’s” are to be honored. Explain that just like we always stop doing something when someone says “no”, that our friends need to always stop when we say “no”, too. If a friend doesn’t stop when we say “no,” then we need to think about whether or not we feel good, and safe, playing with them. If not, it’s okay to choose other friends. If you feel you must intervene, do so. Be kind, and explain to the other child how important “no” is. Your child will internalize how important it is both for himself and others.

6) Encourage children to read facial expressions and body language. Scared, happy, sad, frustrated, angry and more. Charade-style guessing games with expressions are a great way to teach children how to read body language.

7) Teach your children that their behavior affects others. You can do this in simple ways, anywhere. Ask them to observe how people respond when other people make noise or litter. Ask them what they think will happen as a result. Will someone else have to clean up the litter? Will someone be scared? Explain to kids how the choices they make affect others and talk about when are good times to be loud, and what are good spaces to be messy.

8) Teach your kids to look for opportunities to help. Can they pick up the litter? Can they be more quiet so as not to interrupt someone’s reading on the bus? Can they offer to help carry something or hold a door open? All of this teaches kids that they have a role to play in helping ease both proverbial and literal loads.

And as children get older:

9) Nip “locker room talk” in the bud. Middle school is the age where sex-talk begins in gender-segregated environments, like locker rooms and sleep overs. Their crushes and desire are normal and healthy. But as parents and educators, we need to do more than just stop kids from talking about other kids like they’re objects. We also need to model how to talk about our crushes as whole people If you overhear a kid say, “She’s a hot piece of ass” you could say, “Hey, I think she’s more than just an ass!” You can keep it jokey, and they’ll roll their eyes at you, but it sinks in. They need a model for grown-ups who are doing things right. Even saying something like, “It’s also cool that she (or he) is so awesome at tennis, isn’t it?”

10) Explain that part of growing up is changing hormones, and sometimes hormones make it hard to think clearly. Sometimes that means our desire feels overwhelming, or that we’re angry, confused or sad. It’s common, and perfectly okay, to be overwhelmed or confused by these new feelings. Tell your kids that no matter what they’re feeling, they can talk to you about it. But their feelings, desires and needs are no one’s responsibility but their own. They still need to practice kindness and respect for everyone around them.

11) Mentor teenage and college-aged boys and young men about what masculinity is. Men need to talk to boys about what’s good about masculinity. Ask what hasn’t been so good about our culture of masculinity in the past. How can we build a more inclusive form of masculinity that embraces all types of guys: from jocks to theater kids to queer folks to everyday you-and-me? These conversations can encourage a non-violent form of masculinity for the future. Boys need to start talking about building a healthy masculinity starting in middle school and continue through college, because transforming masculinity is vital to transforming rape culture.

12) Talk honestly with kids about partying. Make it clear that you don’t want them drinking or using drugs, but that you know kids party and you want your kids to be informed. Ask them questions about how they are going to keep themselves and others safe when they’re drinking. Questions such as:

- How will you know when you’ve had too much to drink?

- How will you handle it if your driver has had too much to drink? (Make clear that your child can always call you to come get him or her if needed).

- How will you know if your drinking or drug use has reached a dangerous level, or crossed into addiction?

- How does your behavior change when you’ve had too much to drink? How can you protect others from yourself in that situation if, perhaps, you become an angry drunk or start violating people’s space or safety?

- How will you know whether it’s okay to kiss someone, touch someone, or have sex with someone when you’ve had a lot to drink? Explain that decisions sometimes become cloudy, and signals become unclear when we are impaired. How will you be sure that you are reading the other person’s signals accurately? Suggest that they always ask for permission to touch or kiss another person, especially when there’s drinking involved.

- Although it should be obvious, explain that a person who is drunk, high or otherwise impaired should not be touched, harassed or sexually assaulted. Teach your children to stand up for, and seek help for, a fellow partygoer who has had to much too drink.

- Be careful about the language you use with your kids about partying. The responsibility is never on the victim to have prevented his or her assault. It is always on the perpetrator to make the right decision and not harm anyone.

13) Keep talking about sex and consent with teens as they start having serious relationships. Yeah, they’ll tell you they know it all, but continuing the conversation about healthy consent, respecting our partners, and healthy sexuality shows them how important these themes are to you. It also normalizes talking about consent, so talking openly and respectfully with partners becomes second nature to teens. They want to learn, and they will find a way to get information about sex. If you are the one providing that information—lovingly, honestly and consistently—they will carry that information out into the world with them.

Having good information encourages kids to be UPstanders, not BYstanders. Not only does the world need more Upstanders, but kids really want to be a force for good. And we can give them the tools to do so.

what a pathetic,condescending post the idea that we have to teach boys not to sexual assault? Perhaps girls should be taught not sexually assault,afterall there seems to be an epidemic of 20-40 something female teachers assaulting their underage male students like clockwork these days,,,a new case of it pops up daily...things that make you go hmmm

Where to begin?
Okay, first, 1 in 4 girls under 18 has been sexually assaulted? this is a false statistic. The original number was 1 in 6 will be assaulted in their lifetime, worldwide, including war zones and countries with barely present law enforcement.
Second, how dare you? How dare you imply that every single male child will sexually assault someone unless "taught" not to? you know this isn't true, it can't be.
trust me, guys know that sexual assault is bad. we are reminded a lot, constantly in fact.

It's relatively rare for women to commit sexual assault. The crime is overwhelmingly committed by males. I imagine that's why the focus here is on boys. Of course the overwhelming majority of boys and men don't commit sexual assault, but a significant minority do. Quality sex education that deals with sexual ethics and consent can only be a good thing.

Many boys start out respectful, but once they reach adolescence and are treated either indifferently or disdainfully by the girls, they lose that respect.

Look at it from a boy's perspective. He is told to respect and support women. Then, as he gets older, the girls reject him or ignore him and he is still expected to care about their feelings and issues.

That just isn't working, without addressing girl behavior.

We need to teach girls how to respect and behave as well. To pretend that female behavior doesn't affect this issue is naive and/ or dishonest.

Mother, female teachers and girls need to be expected to respect boys and care about how they feel if you want to reduce violence against women.

Women are not to blame for assault -- but -- YES -- female indifference to male issues IS part of the problem.

Teaching BOTH boys and girls to understand and care about each other is the ultimate solution.

Indifference is not assault.
Polite rejection is not assault.
Ignoring is not assault.

The very fact that you dare to compare being ignored or rejected to being ASSAULTED is the reason why people like you need to be taught not to assault.

A girl who rejects a boy is not holding him down and forcefully inserting her genitals into his.
A girl who ignores a boy is not threatening to physically harm him if he won't sleep with her.
A girl who laughs at a boy is not killing him for daring to reject her.

Girls get raped for saying they are not interested.
Girls get killed for breaking up in a perfectly civil way.
Girls get threatened for daring to make their own choices of romantic partners.

Oh, and by the way:

"Mother, female teachers and girls need to be expected to respect boys and care about how they feel if you want to reduce violence against women."

If a pretty girl smiles at a man, he thinks she's coming on to him and gets angry when it turns out she was just being nice or polite.
If a pretty girl does NOT smile at a man who is interested in her, he gets angry because he feels ignored.
If a pretty girl smiles but asks to be left alone, he gets angry because he feels rejected.

So do tell me: what exactly are we supposed to teach girls in order to ensure that they don't make men angry just for daring not to be romantically interested in them?

"Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them." -- Margaret Atwood. That's what it all comes down to.

The Anon I was answering to said that boys start out good and become bad because girls make them so. How come you didn't call him out on his spreading hate against girls?

Also, I'm not spreading anger against ALL boys and men - only against those who don't respect women and women's agency. I see nothing wrong with that. Calling out people who actively harm other people is a good thing.

If we teach BOTH boys and GIRLS to respect and understand one another from an early age without the victim / monster crap that angry nutjobs like you want to promote, we can foster understanding for those scenarios you described.

Feeling rejected and left out is a powerful generator for frustration and anger. Deny that and there will be no solution to this and other social problems.

How do we ensure ALL children grow up feeling understood and accepted? (One way is to keep hate mongers like you away from our children)

No. Entitlement is. Loads and loads of women are rejected by men every day; you don't see them killing anyone, do you? For that matter, loads and loads of men are rejected by women every day, and yet don't take out their frustration as anger against women.

Rejection does NOT lead to murder. This is a falsehood, a lie.

"Stop spreading hate."

I'm not spreading hate. I'm spreading the truth. You don't get to re-label it "hate" just because you don't like it. If you want to help children, then accept the truth, and deal with it.

As for the scenarios I described, please do tell me: how CAN a woman turn down an unwanted suitor without running the risk of him getting angry at her? If you're honest about wanting to help, then answer that question.

I've felt like an outcast all my life. I've never thought of killing anyone because of it.

Feeling like an outcast does NOT lead to murder. It just doesn't.
yes it does, but they also have to be willing to commit murder. besides, one person's experience does not a norm make.
"Only a few men out of millions get violent."

Then how come a woman dies at the hands of her male partner every two to four days depending on the country?

because countries have a lot of people in them. I mean, someone commits suicide every 40 seconds, and a man is murdered every 90 seconds. frankly, every two to four days is a pretty low rate.

What does you propose as a solution? How could these men be helped, in your opinion? What would it take to prevent them from going into murderous rampages? I'm honestly curious about what you think could or should be done.

"We need to spend more time, early in school, on teaching children to socialize in a healthy way ---specifically, teach them to understand one another.

And, continue this interaction and dialog into high school."

That's just vague words. What would you have them taught in actual practice? What do you think girls should be taught about boys? What do you think boys should be taught about girls? I'm asking for specifics here. What specifically could have been done to prevent the recent tragedy? Who would have needed to do what? Who would have needed to be taught what?

"Then our children are exposed to hate monkeys like you which just transfers your anger to them and give them a skewed view of life."

Actually, I teach my son to be nice to everyone, to develop empathy, and to show compassion. You know, all the things you seem to be lacking.

Then children need to be taught early on that rejection is a part of life, period. Institutions mays reject you and people may reject you and that is just how it is. Respect and understanding should be taught by the same parents who should give their children the truth about rejection. Rejection happens, but it is not always a direct reflection on one's actions, abilities, etc.

I really liked Dr. Bonior's tips, and really, most of the tips are applicable to all children (i.e. boys AND girls). The title and introduction explain her motivations for the tips but the tips, themselves, are not specific to reducing sexual assaults, rape culture, or misogyny. The tips she gives are meant to help children develop empathy and compassion for others, which will help them develop better relationships with other people. It's about teaching kids to be thoughtful and considerate of others, which is what parents should be doing anyway.

Did it ever occur to you - or this half-baked researcher - that you construct realities merely from words? The label 'rape culture' is a pure fiction - as is the number of 1 in 4 sexually molested (just widen the definition far enough and you will have 100 per cent).
Honestly, a generation ago such intellectual light weights, stuffed full with ideological, simple.minded prejudice, would have been rarely found at unis ...

The keys I hold in my hand at night in case I am assaulted are not words. They are my reality.

The dark parking lots, or streets, or parks, or whatever else, that I will never ever take a chance to walk through at night, are not words. They are real.

The guy who followed me all the way inside my apartment building was real enough, not just words.

The fingers who ventured inside my underwear when I was 8yo were very real. The penis I was forced to hold and stroke when I was no more than 10yo was definitely real. That same penis would then find its way inside my younger sister's vagina when she too was no more than 10yo.

The hands of another man who fondled my breasts and tried very forcefully to sneak under my skirt were real, as was the voice who told me that "Oh come on, all 13yo girls have done it already!"

To you, o privileged one, all of this may be only futile matters of words. To me, they are very, terrifyingly real.

"Honestly, a generation ago such intellectual light weights, stuffed full with ideological, simple.minded prejudice, would have been rarely found at unis ..."

A generation ago, the word "incest" was barely starting to get whispered among the public. It was still that incredibly rare thing that happened only in the most depraved of families. I thought my family was the only "normal", "respectable" family where such a thing happened.

As for rape, it was that "thing worse than death" that unfortunate women committed suicide over, or remained broken over forever. When it happened to a not-good girl, it was only logical: she deserved it. Hence, girls were taught to be good so it wouldn't happen to them - and if it still happened, well, somehow, it must be their fault.

So the reason none of this would have been found at universities a generation ago, is because people were massively IGNORANT of such things, back then.

The fact that we know better now, and that we are fighting to change things, is a progress. You should welcome progress, not hinder it.

It's not paranoia if the danger is real. I just shared my very real experience of life, and the very real precautions many, many, MANY women HAVE to take to keep themselves somewhat safe. I shared the truth of a life lived in fear of being assaulted, which is the life of a majority of women. I'm not surprised you should refuse to deal with that fact, and choose to deny it instead.

There are several ways to create a world in which assault is unthinkable and the world is safe for womyn. My life partner and I, who have had great success via turkey basters, hrecommend the following methods.

1) If your or your partner gives birth to a male, see if there's any chance of drowning it before anyone finds out.

2) If drowning is not an option, start immediately to drain the patriarchal toxins from his system. Castration in the cradle works wonders. After that, we recommend dressing it in non-gender-specific clothing and addressing it only as "You."

3) Make sure that your womyn-child belittles the boys and reminds them constantly of their natural inferiority.

Follow this procedure for 18 years, and he will surely end up gay, which is really preferable anyway. Then, if he retains any sexual impoulses, he will rape only his fellow members of the opprssor gender. Which serves them right.

It's just so interesting to me that in a post about teaching both boys and girls about sexual consent, even spelling out clearly that males can be victims at the hands of females, that so many people feel defensive about their masculinity (and think themselves comedians....oof.) Fascinating!

Even more fascinating is the continual hatred toward men that feminists spread through women's studies courses in college.Constant chorus of how horrible women are treated,patriarchy,slut shaming,fat shaming,misogyny,judgements on looks,age,poor women always oppressed etc.And yet the SAME women lamenting these things are the SAME ones who often at the drop of a hat will reject,judge,slam and berate men for sport."he's not tall enough"...his dick isn't big enough"..."he doesn't make enough money","he's not hot enough"..."he's not a real man"....oh and 99.9% of the time white men are the DEVIL.the oppressors,the priviliged,the entitled,...truth be told MEN have had a bellyful of it.Feminists and liberal women were largely the ones spitting in the faces of soldiers coming back from Vietnam,accusing them of atrocities....if it were not for MEN you would ALL be speaking german or japanese.Thank a man today for your freedoms you would have chance to get on blogs and eviscerate the male if not for the sacrifices of mainly MEN on the frontlines of EVERY battle.

Until the last few decades, pregnancy and childbirth were the first cause of death among adult women. Yet women kept having children, literally putting their lives on the line every single time they got pregnant. So what's your point, exactly?

I personally know more than a dozen female victims of male-on-female sexual assaults. NONE of them - including myself - have ever reported their assault to an authority.

"If they never tell, how do you know the number."

Because women don't tell the authorities, but when asked directly by associations working on the problem, some of them manage to tell.

You too can know. All you have to do is ask the women you are close to if they ever experienced sexual assault, abuse or harrassment - and then LISTEN. Ask sincerely, and then listen honestly, and you too can learn the truth.

It's so important to teach all our children respect, empathy, and compassion. Thank you for sharing these simple ways to start the conversation at an early age and to reinforce these lessons throughout our children's lives.

Thank you for such an informative article. The tips are so easy to implement without scaring kids or providing information which could be age-inappropriate. It's so difficult to find good resources on this topic. I'm sharing this article on my blog. Great article from a thankful mother.