Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The Knead For Speed!

Now, you too can evoke blistering speed, derring-do, and exuberant cries of "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" even while standing still, thanks to my latest "collabo" with the hatters at Walz Caps!

The hat they used is from their "moisture wicking" line, which means it's light, it's comfortable, and it feels like wearing a jersey on your head in the best possible way. It's also got a racing stripe on it because it's FAST!

And it's specially designed so that the brim automatically flips up the moment you hit 46mph:*

*[Disclaimer: This is a lie, brim must be flipped up manually.]

Also, if you stand at just the right angle while ordering your post-ride coffee, your barista will know that you regularly flirt with Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo" speed and that you read the World's Greatest Cycling Blog:**

**[Disclaimer: Bike Snob NYC is not the World's Greatest Cycling Blog, and if anything your barista will just assume you're a shitty tipper.]

Here's what it looks like to God from On High when He's conferring upon you all manner of blessings because He smiles upon all who wear this cap:***

***[Disclaimer: BSNYC Industries LLC shall not be liable for God failing to bless you because He cannot see the Holy Hat under your helment, for even though He is the creator of the heaven and the earth, oddly He cannot see through styrofoam. That's why you should always sin inside of a giant beer cooler.]

And here it is just sort of looking at you suggestively and saying "buy me:"

As for me, I've been testing out the "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo" cap at the Tour de France, and I won't confirm or deny that one of yesterday's crashes was caused by the "selfie" I took in the middle of the course:

Sure, the support of the thousands of fans that have shown up along the official route in England has been great to see, but as American Tejay van Garderen wrote on his Twitter account, "It’s a dangerous mix of vanity and stupidity."
As opposed to the pre-selfie days of amateur Tour de France photography, when it was just dangerous stupidity without the vanity:

But hey, let's not forget the vanity, and the best part of the article was the stuff about me::

(See that? I'm popular and long-running!)

After that I mostly just skimmed it, though the author does a good job of articulating the pernicious manner in which we've been brainwashed from birth by the Automotive Industrial Complex:

We’ve been conditioned since infancy to ignore most of these fatalities, along with the behaviors that cause them. If you’re a typical American, your first experience of speeding was while strapped into a car seat, and you rode past half a dozen fatal accident scenes before speaking your first complete sentence. A lifetime of exposure has convinced us to normalize, dismiss or ignore most traffic violations, to the point where we routinely exceed the speed limit despite the knowledge that speeding causes more than 30% of all traffic fatalities.This normalization is entirely a product of exposure, and that’s what makes bikes so comparatively frightening: we prefer the devil we know, even when it’s infinitely more bloodthirsty than the one we don’t.

Or, to put in another way, Americans are gas-guzzling morons who do stuff like this, which I'd never heard of until a reader alerted me to it:

For as little as $500, anyone with a diesel truck and a dream can install a smoke stack and the equipment that lets a driver “trick the engine” into needing more fuel. The result is a burst of black smoke that doubles as a political or cultural statement—a protest against the EPA, a ritual shaming of hybrid “rice burners,” and a stellar source of truck memes.

Works great on cyclists too:

At least Keith Maddox kept his noxiousness inside his truck. Somebody needs to run a hose from this guy's exhaust right into the cabin and let him euthanize himself..

Wow, these guys have put a huge amount of time and resources into projects that have no practical applications whatsoever. For example, you may remember them as the team behind this contraption:

"Considered by many to be physically impossible, the project captured the imagination of people around the globe, became one of Kickstarter's top 20 featured projects, and resulted in a life-changing experience for the students involved."

"Considered by many to be physically impossible?" I doubt anybody cared whether or not it was impossible. How about "Considered by many to be utterly pointless?" I'm fairly certain that flying around slowly on giant Leonardo da Vinci bicycle-copters is not, nor will it ever be, a viable solution to the problems of human mobility. I also can't think of a less worthy cause than providing students with life-changing experiences, since students have easier lives and give less back to society than pretty much any other group of people on the planet. They're supposed to be learning how to change our lives, not the other way around.

Nevertheless, next the team followed up with this useless airplane:

"We've developed the world's first human-powered flapping-wing aircraft."
Yeah? And I've developed the world's first pissing honey bear, and the world doesn't need that either. So what's your point?

(Okay, I didn't invent this. But I could have!)

But most of all, they're way into the whole superfast rolling Fred sarcophagus thing:

"As well as several speed bikes getting faster and faster with each iteration."

Okay, so every time you build one of these things it goes slightly faster. So what? Where do we go from there? Are we all going to be criss-crossing the continent one at a time in little suppositories one day? I don't think so. If you're going to improve upon human-powered vehicles, why not invent a nice bike basket or something?

Also, no way I'm backing two guys who look like this:

"We'll be working on the bike throughout the summer with the goal of challenging the land speed record this September in Battle Mountain, Nevada."

If you guys are working so hard then why aren't you more haggard? Where are the coffee-stained shirts, tousled coifs, and bags under the eyes from all the sleepless nights? I'm not giving any money to well-groomed people in $200 hoodies and pullovers. They don't look like they need it.

Then again, you can't put a price on Canadian pride:

(Ramming speed!)

It's only a matter of time before Canada attacks us with a silent army of bike-copters, flappy-wing planes, and fully-faired recumbents.

The only way for bicyclists to get back at the Cummings is to track down their address and kidnap the hillbillies child at a young age and raise the child on a fixie and send Mr. Cummings pictures of his developments as child grows into an urban cyclist.

You might want to strap yourself in for this shit. Green Cannondale R1000 - single speed. Yeah. Campagnolo Vento wheelset, Shimano 105 crankers and bb, 175mm because you got balls like two big watermelons ripe and ready to be filled with vodka. Gear inch around 75 so you can climb hills but still jump in and motopace if the wind is right and you're not too hungover. Salsa bash guard- No shit! You can ride without your pants catching in the chain and getting greasy so when you show up at the club you don't look like an asshole. Did I mention the carbon fork?- How about the Easton ea70 tt bar? Specialized carbon pave chairpole with the zertz insert for added comfort? How fucking awesome is that? But wait, there's more! Fizik Antares saddle, Crank bros candy peds(if you want them), and Raceblade fenders so your ass doesn't get wet on the way to whatever bullshit you got going on. Front and rear brakes for control in the corners. Front brake is campy and the rear is shimano no name but it's got swiss stop pads, so, there's that. Now before you decide to just write me a blank check for providing you with such an amazing opportunity, I got one more feature that will make all the girls go apeshit for you. You ready for this? I put a bell on the handlebar- awwww yeah. Ding ding mafucker. The chain has less than two hundred miles on it and the rubber is new. Rode this thing down to southern Murland and back a few times with no problems. There is a hop in the rear wheel from some pothole that jumped up out of nowhere in the middle of a race a number of years ago, but the rims are so bomb proof you won't notice.

p.s.- if you contact me with any questions that were either answered in the header or the text, the price will double for you because you've wasted my valuable time and you're a dick.

I ran into a group of those diesel smokers as I was barreling down I75 this spring, trying to get out of Ohio as quick as I could without incurring the wrath of the local Storm Troopers. I passed the first one as the rest of the group was strung out on an on-ramp (driving a regular sized Chevy truck). Apparently, that was Something Not To Be Done In Rural Ohio. The whole group organized behind me and then the first two roared up and boxed me in in front. Then the whole group (Fords and Rams) took turns blowing smoke at me. It was pretty cool. They were local boys, as they all got off at the next exit. I flashed a peace sign at a couple of them as they exited and they honked and laughed.

Rednecks blown' smoke on the interstate. I guess you can't watch corn grow all day without going a little nuts.

if you think conservative talk show hosts are idiots, the medal of idiot honor goes to all liberal/progressive radio talking heads. Just listen to air america for an example. oh wait, they are kaput, no one listened to that schmutz.

As much as I'd like to purchase BSNYC stuff to support the source of time wasting for so many, I have the books and generally don't wear hats, and I don't think I've ever worn a beik hat. Create high quality t-shirts and I'm in. First one is obvious - my other bieks a bong, if the biek crusher will release the trademark (or hasn't sold it to SpecialEd)

RE: “I shoulda went to…” It used to be Mr. Snob had to search the internet to find ridiculously overpriced and over-customized bikes to make fun of; now the owners bring them to him for free. The blog Mr. Snob created is so great it runs itself.

I finished the Gran Fondue a week ago (it was hard, thanks for asking) and got "coal-rolled" by a big black truck. It blasted the riders right up the road as well. I was riding with a nice woman who said "What an asshole. What makes someone so hateful?"

Excellent question. They must have some serious anti-social, psychotic tendencies and probably lead miserable lives. I really feel sorry for them.

Of course I still want to toss a few flares because I'm a petty and spiteful, but she sure got me thinking.

ps. Went hairy legged because in the end I'm lazy, and almost hit 60 WITHOUT and air spear. Did not say Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Mmmmm "Wooo hooooo hoooo!!" ing is one of my very favourite things, and surprisingly enough this Vancouver Fred was UP at 3:53 many mornings over the winter just so I could do so.

Um, and Guilty. Sometimes I do "wooo hooo hooo!" out loud. If I'm not singing at the top of my lungs, that is. I just can't help myself! :D

The only other thing you're likely to find me doing at that hour (b'sides sleeping, of course)is praying to God between the sheets with an intimate friend. Out loud or not. As you do.

And THOSE are two of the many reasons I usually reply "I'm happy," when people ask me how I am. People who aren't getting enough, and who don't know well enough to ditch the stupid car for a bike? OF COURSE they're miserable.

That hat is pretty sweet. It would match the $50 Billibong swim trunks I just picked up in a damn RonJon in Ocean City Maryland. $50 for some trunks. WTF was I thinking. Wish I could speak for the rednecks but I do not even like it when I mix the gas too rich in my Honda and it smokes a little.

As a 1:2 scale redneck, driving a 1300cc rice burner Suzuki 4x4, the best I can do to make a statement is twiddle with the windscreen washer jets and aim the water spray up over my roof and out over any bystanders. My windscreen is getting pretty dirty, I can't really see where I'm driving anymore, but it sure is worth it to let those water conservers know what I think of them as I pass by.

Jeez, I didn't want to have to be "that guy" but I just have to interject on the human powered helicopter project. It actually was kind of a big deal in the sense that it was for the Sikorsky prize, established in 1980, and netted the group a quarter of a mil that they can then use to further other projects that involve students at the University of Toronto. Are the projects kind of useless? Well, yeah, but they are simply educational engineering challenges to build skills for these students so that they are well equipped to work on things that actually do matter.

""Considered by many to be physically impossible?" I doubt anybody cared whether or not it was impossible. How about "Considered by many to be utterly pointless?" I'm fairly certain that flying around slowly on giant Leonardo da Vinci bicycle-copters is not, nor will it ever be, a viable solution to the problems of human mobility. I also can't think of a less worthy cause than providing students with life-changing experiences, since students have easier lives and give less back to society than pretty much any other group of people on the planet. They're supposed to be learning how to change our lives, not the other way around."

I think when the light bulb was invented, it was considered a "pointless" -invention by as stupid people like you. Inventions always evolve, that's why every research is valuable.

People change life of others by FIRST changing their self. They live and learn and pass it to others. Unlike you, with rooted way to think and attitude, are unable to change OR learn. That's why you are not a student or will ever change anything.

Belittling the efforts of others looks much (FSVO "much", obv) more credible if you can be bothered to check the facts. The ornithopter came before the helicopter. And while you may be able to scoff at the 250,000 USD Sikorsky Prize trousered by the team...

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!