Sunday, December 2, 2012

Condolences

UPDATE: Thank you all for your suppotive responses. To answer some of the questions I've been asked: The name of the establishment it Exposure Indoor Rock Climbing (they have a FB page); Precocious Daughter has been nothing but loving and supportive; Beloved Spouse stated that he thought Neil was right to bitch me out in front of my daughter, her friends, their parents, and assorted strangers at the gym; and the response of Exposure itself was that Neil (yes, his real name) is "a regular and a good guy" and I should basically suck it up and consider his word Gospel.

Today's post is for Neil, the large, gorilla-like person who was wearing one of those shirts that is strategically ripped so as to demonstrate that one's muscles are so imposing that a mere t-shirt cannot contain them, which curiously enough was pink (the shirt, not the muscles, which were a carefully applied shade of bronze), and who was at the rock climbing gym where Precocious Daughter was having her birthday party yesterday, the name of which I won't mention but it's one of the dozens of such establishments located directly across Midway Road from the Addison Airport.

Dozens, I tell you.

Neil, I want to offer my condolences for your abnormally small penis size, which apprently made it necessary for you to loudly berate a middle-aged suburban mom in front of a group of 7th graders and their parents because she wasn't very good at belaying the first time she had ever done it and then eject her from the gym even though your only authority to do so was based on your ability to humiliate from 20 paces in a crowded rock climbing establishment.

For the record, I would have enjoyed cutting my kid's cake and watching her open her presents, except that I spent the rest of the party sobbing in my car. But this isn't about me. This is about your miniscule penis, Neil, and how damn bad I feel that you must devote your life to overcompensating for the lack of masculinity resulting therefrom. Especially because I might become a more skilled belayer with practice, but your penis is never, ever going to get any larger.