Unlocking the mysteries of your child’s brain

I don’t know about your kids, but my son’s definition of “a few” is totally context-dependent.

Last post, I took on Isaac Newton and his questionable grasp of physics. This time, it’s brain science. Why? It’s my job: I’m a blogger.

That, and it makes me look smart. My son is now of the age where he has discovered that Dad isn’t the all-knowing source of endless wisdom he thought I was. I think my explanation of where babies come from finally gave it away. Apparently the dodo bird went extinct a while back. But, really, who cares what species bird the bird is that carries the baby? Details.

So, about your child’s brain:

Many people have heard of the brainy bits known as the Cerebral Cortex. That’s the gray matter that plays a big role in memory, attention, perceptual awareness, thought, language, and consciousness. At least that’s what Wikipedia says.

I know what you’re thinking: my child clearly doesn’t have one of those things. And you’re probably right. But don’t worry about it, they will. For now, your child has other stuff that adults don’t have. Most adults eventually develop a Cerebral Cortex, the exception perhaps being many politicians and, from what I can tell, the Kardashians.

Instead of a Cerebral Cortex, your child has these things:

1. Cerebral Vortex:

This part of a child’s brain is responsible for taking what comes in through the ears and sucking it deep down where it has no chance of ever reaching other parts of the brain. You know this part of the brain is functioning properly when you hear, “You never told me to go brush my teeth.” Of course you did.

2. Cerebral Heretoforetex:

This is the part of a child’s brain that always remembers the exceptions but never the rules. It is usually manifested by such statements as, “But you let me have a second cookie last time,” or, “Dad let me do it when you were away.”

3. Cerebral Exploretex:

This is the part of a toddler’s brain that parents wish they could sometimes deactivate. It is responsible for an entire industry devoted to childproofing, but on the plus side, it helps parents ensure that they get enough exercise every day.

4. Cerebral Woretex:

Go easy on your son when you realize he hasn’t changed his underwear in over a week. He can’t help it; he has a fully functional Cerebral Woretex.

5. Cerebral Ignoretex:

The ears don’t have an on/off switch on the outside, but there is one on the inside: the Cerebral Ignoretex. It’s the part of a child’s brain that causes them to hear only what they want to hear.

6. Cerebral Boretex:

a) You ask your child how the movie was and an hour later she wraps up her remarkably detailed description of the entire film. b) Your child insists that you sit and watch Dora the Explorer Counts to 15,750 in its excruciating entirety. That’s the Cerebral Boretex.

7. Cerebral Goretextm:

This part of a child’s brain is usually active just before you head out on a cold, wet day. It’s what makes them think they’re impervious to rain and don’t need a jacket. Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop them from whining when they are miserably wet and cold an hour later.

8. Cerebral Encoretex:

You’ve no doubt seen evidence of this. It’s the part of a child’s brain responsible for reciting the same joke 10 times in 15 minutes.

9. Cerebral Deploretex:

This is the part of a child’s brain that causes them to hate certain foods without ever trying them.

10. Cerebral Imploretex:

Your kid just doesn’t get it, do they? They want a cookie. Do they ask politely and respectfully? Of course not; they have a Cerebral Imploretex. This is the part of the brain that causes a child to think that they’re more likely to get what they want if they demand it as forcefully as possible.

11. Cerebral Somemoretex:

You see this part of the brain in action when your child asks for more dessert despite the fact that they insisted they were full when you offered them more broccoli.

12. Cerebral Floortex:

This is the part of a child’s brain that is responsible for pasta pouting, the act of dropping to the floor like a wet noodle when asked to do something they don’t want to do.

13. Cerebral Storetex:

They won’t let you get rid of anything ever. The last time they used that toy was 3 years ago, but they swear they were just about to. Thank the Cerebral Storetex.

And finally,

14. Cerebral Eeyortex:

This is the part of a child’s brain that causes them to whine like a donkey every time they’re asked to do chores.

How about the cerebral roartex? This part of the brain takes the sounds they are making and multiplies the noise level by at least 3. Every time you ask them to be quiet the roartex responds in equal measure by getting louder.
I have two kids that are proof of this 🙂

As a child, I was (and still am) the proud owner of a cerebral doortex. A part of my brain that enables me to hear when the doorbell rings, but prevents me from doing anything about it. There’s three other people in the house that can answer it and I don’t like moving unless it involves fetching alcohol.