Nature Hates Us

by Admin on October 16, 2008

As bad as the Western prejudice against Asian males is, there is one factor even deeper than societal prejudice working against the average Asian man. Yes, even if all the people in the world were suddenly brainwashed into not being racist anymore and all of the aforementioned examples ceased to exist, the Asian man would continue to be screwed. Why? Because Nature hates us.

I was considering titling this section “God hates us”, but like many Asians, we weren’t indoctrinated with religion growing up as kids and thus I have a more stoic view on the world. Regardless of whether there is a God or not, though, one thing is clear – whoever or whatever is responsible for the design of the modern world, whether the hand of God or the forces of mathematical randomness, they hate Asians. Let’s look at a few examples:

Asians are not hairy:

When was the last time you saw an Asian with a hairy body? Asians just aren’t too hairy. It’s pretty hard for the average Asian to grow a full beard. It’s almost impossible for an Asian to have a hairy chest. And in a society where hairiness is usually equated with manliness (recall the phrase ‘This’ll put some hair on your chest!’), the end result is that Asians usually get viewed as effeminate fairies, not real manly men. I’m not sure what odd figment of evolution decided that having hair was manly, unless being manly is somehow related to being descended from apes. Thankfully this trend is dying out, with help from an unlikely source, that is, the rising popularity of metrosexuals. The appropriation of the gay male sensibility means that more and more women are finding the sleek and hairless look more attractive than the ridiculous fur-covered look, so I guess we Asians have to thank the metrosexuals for something. Sadly, this is where the good news ends for Asian men.

Asians are short:

Fast fact: The average white man is 5’9″ tall. The average Asian man is 5’5″ tall. Asians are just shorter than whites, though not by much. Still, this is enough to fuel endless jokes about how short Asians are, mostly in the movies (again, the media scourge!) Asians are also much more tightly clustered around the average, so there are a LOT of them around 5 and half feet, whereas the white male is more spread out, so there are plenty 6-foot-and-then-some monsters out there. Why does this make a difference? Because girls can be ridiculously shallow. Now I’m a very forgiving person. You could have a million different pairs of shoes and a different outfit for every day of the year and still I’d hesitate to call you shallow. But I will not hesitate to call you shallow if, like so many girls, you’re the type who insists that your boyfriend be a certain height.

Many girls I’ve talked to say a prospective male has to be at least 5’10” to even warrant consideration, and many say that they would never date somebody their own height or shorter.

I don’t know what the big deal is. I’m 5’9″ myself (taller than both of my parents, and have been for years) and I wouldn’t rule out dating a girl TALLER than myself. I wouldn’t rule out dating a girl SHORTER than myself either. Maybe I’m just weird, but I happen to think that height ranks slightly lower than eye color on the list of Things To Look For In A Significant Other.

Asians have smaller dicks:

Yeah, I said it. Asians are getting taller all the time, as generations go by – no consolation to short Asians of THIS generation, but maybe their grandsons won’t have as many problems as they did… provided they even have grandsons. One thing that Nature really hates Asians on, though, is the following. The average white man’s dick is 6.13 inches long. The average Asian man’s is 5.08 inches. (You have no idea how many gay porn and penis enlargement websites I had to comb through to get these statistics. I hope you all thank me for the dedication I put forward for this site.) Never mind the “Size doesn’t matter” lie – the fact is that in the back of every woman’s mind, whether they consciously acknowledge it or not, the Asian man just doesn’t measure up to the white man. Yeah, that was a pun. And it was on purpose. In any case, averages are a mean thing. An Asian guy with an 8-inch monster still has to labor with the stereotype. Name-tags that say “Hi, my name is Harry Lee, and I have an 8-inch dick.” just aren’t in style yet.

Rare is the girl who is willing to look past all of these things. Rarer still is the girl who prefers shorter, hairless men with small dicks. The only man more cursed by his genetics and less likely to have a happy life than the American-born Asian is a gay French man who lives in Texas. Sorry guys – Nature just hates us.