Britain’s terror threat levels – A Daily Mail guide.

The government recently announced that it was considering raising its terror alert warning from ‘substantial’ to ‘severe.’ But what do these warnings actually mean? The Daily Mail presents this handy guide.

• Low

The sun shines on an England basking in perpetual springtime. Cricket matches break out spontaneously on village greens up and down the land, and the police face no more serious a crime than apple scrumping. The channel tunnel is converted into a large holding pen for homosexuals and left wing journalists, while words such as ‘Mosque’ and ‘Falafel’ are but a distant memory of colonial times. Peter Hitchens cracks a smile for the first time since the late seventies. The Queen reigns gloriously over all of us and Prince Philip is free to insult other races with impunity.

• Moderate

England remains largely satisfactory but some ominous signs becoming prevalent. A man with a swarthy complexion and foreign sounding accent moves into the flat above the greengrocers, while the unmarried bachelor at no. 36 is seen wearing a distinctly pink shirt and browsing for curtain material. Local papers report increasing number of planning applications for something called ‘Kebab Shops.’ Peter Hitchens brow showing increased signs for furrowing.

• Substantial

Hitchens begins to spasm with panic as Labour Party members and dark skinned men with increasingly unkempt beards are seen openly milling around on England’s streets. BBC viewing figures and Guardian circulation rise to worryingly high levels.

• Severe

Traditional British values all but gone. The entire population of Bulgaria is now camped out in Home Counties, while Ken Livingstone’s face is permanently superimposed on the White Cliffs of Dover. Islam replaces ‘C of E I suppose’ as the main response to surveys on people’s religious preferences. Peter Hitchens enters sixth consecutive week of rocking back and forth while muttering the words ‘Permissive Society’ over and over again. Mandatory life sentences are introduced for anyone caught Morris Dancing.

• Critical

Absolute carnage and misery rule over Britain. School children forced to memorize the entire Koran while turbaned mullahs forcibly stuff Halal meat products down their throats. George Galloway bloodily overthrows the monarchy and installs Hugh Grant and Cat Stevens as joint heads of state. Church of England declared an illegal terrorist organization while groups of underground Morris Dancers are paraded on TV and shot after show trials. Peter Hitchens commits symbolic suicide by leaping from the roof of Buckingham Palace dressed in a giant beefeater costume. The once verdant English countryside is now but a withered brown husk. Oh England! England! ENGLAND!