Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Guess what she did! Its more like what didn't she do. Am I right? Anyway, this bitch ordered photogs to take photographs of her dying little nugget in the hospital or some shit. Yeah whatever. This bitch is nutz.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Not really. Bad taste? Well kiss my ass. This crazy looking bitch is YoLandi from the...'group' Die Antwoord. Her and some other crazies on crack have formed a singing, rapping, caca licking group out of South Africa. One of their videos involves a little person and some bat shit crazy drawings and dancing.

Yeah, I really really like this group. YoLandi is how I hope my family will make me look when I die. Pass the bleach Grandma, I'm going to South Africa!

There's a video after the jump, wherein you can see the universe in which YoLandi and lead singer Ninja (didn't fucking make that up) live. The video is NSFW. But it is safe if you want your children to wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

The CFDA Fashion Awards were happening at some place in some location within the United States. You can tell I care about the actual awards.

The important thing is that every celebrity and fashion official were out and about in their prettiest dresses looking absolutely terrible stunning. Pictured above in the notorious Queen of the fashion world, Anna Wintour looking amahzing. I wish I could pull off that dress. At least I can pull off being a cunt.

Hearts Anna. Hearts.

Oh yeah, some other assholes showed up too. Who? I couldn't give two shits.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

This is Pastor Doctor Professional Asshole Martin Ssempa and his intense Ugandan hate speech against the homos. The video is pretty much NSFW. Click below to see this video in all its caca covered glory (hole).

I get it. Twilight is epic for little girls and old biddies. But really? When Linda's husband told his wife that she could not redecorate their bedroom, Linda decided to fuck up her guest room instead. Linda told PEOPLE (The magazine. Not the imaginary ones in her head) that "Everyone who has seen my Twilight room either loves it or thinks I'm crazy." Well no shit.

This room must be a panty creamer for all those Twitards out there. If I was this obsessed, I see now what I would want to strive for. Let's be honest, the bitch got some good taste. Its not a terribly horrible looking room. Aside from the life size cutout (Which Linda probably humps in her free time), the overall color scheme and furnishings are quaint. I'm a sucker for themes.

When she's not servicing Cardboard Edward's front butt, she's most likely cutting out K. Stewart's face from Twilight posters and replacing it with her's. Not a terrible role model. This is exactly what I strive to be after all; a fucking psycho. Thank you Linda Moore. May you one day realize that a Twilight room was a fucking stoopid idea when you were piss drunk.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Sigh. Well, I guess I'll jump ship over to Atlanta. Peaches are good. I like peaches.

Real Housewife of New Joyzee star, Teresa Giudice and her goomba husband Joe, apparently owe $11 million according to the New York Post. Eleven fucking million. The couple are reported to make just under $79,000 a year and are up to their necks in liens, foreclosures and unpaid bills. The Giudices say that they own creditors $10,853,648.04. Gurl. Honey child. Wtf?

Teresa loves to splurge all her fucking theoretical money on designer clothes, her future slut daughters, and meatballs (both the food and her husband's). The list goes on and on with these two. They owe money for their Cadillac (duh), Joe's vasectomy (oh Lawd), and for their daughter Gia's 9th birthday party, she got an all-terrain vehicle (you should be shot). These assholes deserve to go to jail. Meanwhile, I continue to live in the shack behind my landlady's house with my best friends, asbestos and mold.

Here's how the post breaks this shit down:

Behind the bankruptcy filing What the Giudices make a year:$79,000 (plus $120,000 in “assistance” from family members)

What they owe: $10,853,648.04Credit Cards$104,000
including $20,000 to Bloomingdale’s, Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom

$1,280 monthly payment for Cadillac Escalade

Mortgages
$2.6M
for eight mortgages on three homes (two have been handed back to lenders)

$5.8M Joe's business investments

$85,600 Home repairs

$12,000 Fertility treatments

$2,300 Phone bill

Seriously? $2,300 for a phone bill? Too good for Skype, huh? I can just picture Danielle rolling over and laughing in her Vampire coffin. She's probably diddling to the news. I know how Teresa can make her money. She can take a page from Danielle Staub's book and become a PROSTITUTION WOAAAAR.

Good fucking luck Guidos. Maybe you can sell your jars of tomato sauce for extra moolah.

Nike's Vice President, Eric Sprunk, is being a little bitch and decided topoint his middle finger to Skechers Shape Ups and Reebok's Easy Tone shoes. He criticized the toning shoe's ability to really give its consumers a work out.

Homegurl is probably just jealous though. In 2009, these shoes made $145 million. Yeah, up yours Sprunk. I went with a gal pal to go buy one of these damn things and god only knows if they actually do anything. They sales associate said that the shoes are like walking on sand. My friend lives in Hawaii. The bitch can walk outside and start stomping those size 13's on sand. I have no idea what the fuck she was buying this shit for, but WHATEVER.

Nike's going to relaunch their Free brand which will hopefully rival Reebok and Skechers. I'm so over these shoes. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with an apple (covered in caramel) that needs to be attended to.

Today's award goes to one Bethenny Frankel for saying that childbirth was 'less painful' than dealing with Kelly Bensimon on the Housewives' trip to St. John's. Bethenny and Kelly are both members of the Real Houswives of New York cast and pretty much would like to kick each other in the fupa. Bethenny Frankelstein went on record saying:

"By far St. [John's was worse] and I'm not just saying it for effect," Frankel tells the press on a call Thursday (June 3) to promote her new show "Bethenny Getting Married?" "The C-section was less painful to me than Kelly. It was horrendous. Horrendous."

During this trip, Frankel, along with fellow cast members, Alex McCord, Ramona Singer, and Sonja Morgan all decided that Kelly was having a nervous breakdown and that they were tired of dealing with her crap. Kelly later decided to film a anti-bullying PSA. Because bullying is no bueno.

Yeah, okay. Its not like Frankelstein really pushed a baby out of her chalupa hole. Someone stabbed her in the stomach and pulled the damn thing out. And there's not fucking way she was on pain killers. NO WAY. Whatever. I'm over this damn show. I'm packing up my tomato sauce and dried pasta and moving to New Joyzee. Have fun on your new damn show Frankelstein.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Well that's too bad. Chace Crawford was arrested blah blah for smoking blah with his blah.

I don't watch Gossip Girl, but if I did, I might care. Or be inclined to get arrested too with the hopes of becoming his cell mate and become subject to unspeakable acts. Probably not. But a girl can dream. So what if he took a hit of that good stuff? My cousin did the same damn thing. Only, he wasn't in his friends Camaro and a dick wasn't in his mouf (I'm guessing).

I'm enjoying this mugshot. From the drag brows to the weird shit on his lower lashes, I'll add this to my hall of fame mugshots. Right next to La Lohan and Skinny Richie. I love today's role models.

Gwyneth Paltrow decided to make Shrimp Tacos. Well that's nice. I'm sure that after she comes home from her busy day, the first thing on her mind isn't "what did private chef cook for dinner?" No, that just isn't possible. You know this bitch told her maid to cut those damn tomatoes while she went outside to smoke or do yoga or some shit.

Honestly, Goopy Paltrow's food doesn't look like shit. Well, what do you know? She can fucking cook! Granted, Juanita the maid probably told her the recipe, but no one needs to know. Meanwhile, I'm going to go eat my Taco Bell Pacific Shrimp Tacos (Yeah, fancy). And you know what? I think I'm going to try this recipe. Yeah, I'll just heat up my grill that I have stored conveniently in my damn kitchen counter. Tell Juanita to get her fingers out of Goopy Paltow's purse and start cleaning this damn kitchen up.

Urban Outfitters, the brand that I really don't understand (seriously. WHAT are they?), and their creative team of dumb bimbos and magical anorexic unicorns decided to pull this masterpiece out of their ass. It promotes anorexia, blah blah. Yeah. Whatever.

I don't need another fucking way for skinny assholes to tell me what to do. I GET IT. As a big fuck you, I should wear this shirt and sit in front of the store with a bucket of Church's Chicken and get to work on that bitch. But I'm too elegant and classy to do such a thing. So I'll just lay on my bathroom floor while "All By Myself" is playing in the background and do the same thing. Thanks Urb-itch Outfitters. THANKS.

EDIT: Urbitch decided to pull this shit off their website after word got out of the possible message of anorexia. Boo hoo. Don't worry. You can still purchase yours at Urban brick and mortar stores. But its only available in large sizes. Go figure.

Khloe Kardashian recently was swept up with a wave of claims that she was preggers. Turns out that bun in the oven was just a Cinnabon, a couple jelly doughnuts, and a few Twinkies. Probably all deep fried. When Entertainment Weekly asked the barbarian princess about the pregnancy rumors, Khloe bluntly stated "No, I'm just fat."In other news, my landlady assaulted me with her drag queen features and terrible oily skin by yelling at me for some shit that I can't even remember after last night's binge drinking. I know you care about that too.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

A European magazine by the name of Fantastic Man decided to use male plus size models for one of their latest editorials. The copy reads:

"A series of stylistic suggestions for bold summer fashions to be worn by gentlemen of quite marvelous shape."

Well, that's nice. Recently, there has been an increase in plus sized models in magazines. Is America ready to accept a bigger size person? Probably not. But whatever. At least Fantastic Man was willing to take the risk. And I'm enjoying this man's ensemble. It looks like he's going to take a dip in his prison's recreational pool where he'll probably get assaulted by an inmate named Bubba or something. Yay Europe.

I am not a girl. Although I strive to be like one. I'm an honorary girl. Seriously. I took my precious Kimora Lee Simmons barbie and knighted myself with it. And, no. That's not strange. How about this: I'm a skinny girl, trapped in a fat girl, who's trapped in a fat boy's body. Understand? Yeah, I don't either.

Regardless, this is my safe haven. I am a fat girl in this skinny world, and it doesn't get any skinner than the world of fashion. I'm a fashion student, and between all the skinny queens and women, I stand out like a sore thumb. Therefore, with this blog I do declare that all those skinny bitches can go suck on a finger while I take my two piece and a biscuit and shove that delicious goodness down my throat.