The Borowitz Report

by Andy Borowitz & r & Scientists Doubt the Existence of Democrats & r & With President George W. Bush's approval ratings plummeting in recent weeks, the inability on the part of Democrats to capitalize on the president's waning fortunes has caused some scientists to postulate that the Democratic Party may not exist at all.

Dr. Marisa Drazin, a leading scientist who for years has been questioning the existence of Democrats, said this week that what many have thought to be the Democratic Party may in fact be nothing more than a black hole. "When the president loses 10 or 12 approval points, one would normally expect those approval points to go to the opposition party," Dr. Drazin said. "But instead, those points have vanished into thin air, leading one to conclude that the so-called Democratic Party does not exist."

Theories about the nonexistence of the Democratic Party are nothing new, said Dr. Drazin, who pointed out that scientists first developed them during the 1988 presidential campaign of then-Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis.

While the silence of the Democratic Party in recent weeks seems to bolster theories of the party's nonexistence, she said, there are still some nagging pieces of evidence to the contrary, such as the perpetually outspoken DNC chairman, former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean. "I've discussed the Howard Dean phenomenon with my colleagues," Dr. Drazin said. "And it's the consensus of the scientific community that there is no logical explanation for Howard Dean."

Elsewhere, Apple Computer today introduced the iPod Figment & amp;trade;, a portable musical device so tiny that it is invisible to the naked eye. In fact, it may not actually exist.

Sat., April 4, 9 a.m.-4 p.m.

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