Jaimie's Thoughts

My grandmother had already followed her army husband around the country and was already 2 kids into her life.

I have countless cousins that were married with children by my age, but I do have some that are still single to this day.

I don't get pressure by my family as to why I never brought anyone home for the holidays.

I never get questions as to when I will have a boyfriend, get married, or have kids over a glass of spiked eggnog.

At the holidays, my family always asks about the important things like faith, school, and my dreams.

But still, they don't know the whole story.

I get a lot of comments when I go home like "Oh you're so beautiful" "You just keep getting more beautiful." "I watch you on TV all the time." "You're sooooo good at your job." "You look just so happy."

And I always say a polite thank you.

Again, never anything about needing someone to complete me.

I grew up with a VERY strong woman as a mother. She took over the business that her mother started, built it up to the greatness that it is, and then sold it to do what she loves. My mother is driven with passion, faith and love. She always stood up for us kids, and always put us first. Her and my dad always showed us the good and bad of a relationship. They showed me love. I saw what it took to love, but I never knew it.

And still to this day, at 23, I don't know what it takes to love someone.

I have seen friends love so hard that it breaks them. They are blind by what they think is love. I seen it tear apart people, and confuse the hell out of them. I have seen high school sweethearts grow up and get married. I have seen people get married and get divorced in less than a year. I feel like at 23, I have seen all the different stages of love.

All but one.

I have never been in love.

I'm not sure I will even know if it happens, or I won't let it happen.

It is this disease that makes me think that I don't deserve the bliss that others have. I don't want to burden anyone by letting them love me. I feel like if they love me, than it's only because I haven't shown them the real me.

Because the real me sucks.

At 23, I am trying to let someone love me for the first time.

Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.

Spending days with someone who can't control emotions and sometimes just doesn't talk to you for hours is tough.

But yet, someone is sticking it through, and still wanting to be with me.

I am doing the most non-Jaimie thing right now by still sticking around.

I have never let someone so much into this whirlwind that is my life.

I have never been so comfortable with someone, but also, I have never felt so perfect.

He doesn't look at my flaws like they are a burden. He looks at them and kisses them, and continues to tell me how proud he is of me.

What the hell?

I feel bad for letting him have the idea that this could be a good thing.

He shouldn't love me because everything I touch explodes and my brain is broken.