In the beginning there was the Mini. It was 1959 actually, and it took about five seconds before BMC’s product planning boffins produced variations on the theme such as the Traveller, Moke, Van and Pickup, plus the Riley Elf, Wolseley Hornet and Clubman. Then 120 or so special builders arrived, with catchy names like Many Mego, Deep Sanderson and Butterfield Muscateer. I’ve always had a hankering after a Unipower, but apparently all 75 are now in Japan.

So who can blame BMW for wanting that lucrative business for its new MINI – although it’s not so new now, as it’s now 10 years old, with the Cowley plant this week celebrating the production of the two millionth MINI. Yet while Sir Alec Issigonis’s miracle Mini and Dave Saddington’s assuredly retro MINI are different cars from different eras, both share a singular gotta-have-it factor that needs to be kept constantly simmering.

And now there are five in the pantheon of MINIness; hatchback, Convertible, Clubman, Countryman and Coupé – with a roadster arriving next year. While it looks as though they’ve taken a hacksaw to the car in every dimension, it’s just the roof line that’s been cut by just over an inch (29mm) compared with the hatchback – the roof lining has oval cut-outs to accommodate the scalps of taller drivers.

Does it look good? I genuinely don’t know. Parked next to an original, all new MINIs look impossibly chunky, yet within its own idiom the Coupé has panache. That lowered roof, with the flatter windscreen, gives it the appearance of something off the grid at the Le Mans 24 Hours, which in a way it is, as some development work took place at this year’s Nürburgring 24-hour race. From the back there’s a bit of Ford Puma, maybe Jensen CV8, but that side profile isn’t flattering, with the helmet roof that curls round the side windows and leaves the impression of a bowler hat on a black dog.

Of course it’s been marketed half to death. “MINI Cooper Adventure Camp” screamed banners at the old German fighter base where the launch was held. Germans wore bumper boots with Union flags on the heels and the press conference was in German. Sometimes they just don’t get it, like being served Black Forest gateau instead of Victoria sponge at tea.

The rest of the world, however, thinks MINI is quintessentially British and that keeps a lot of people in jobs at Cowley, Oxford, the Hams Hall engine plant in the Midlands and Swindon parts suppliers. So ignore the marketing, just enjoy the GNP contribution.

The cabin is familiar MINI, with a huge central speedometer containing satnav, idiot lights and a web-connection function to accesses the internet for web radio, Facebook and Google maps. “You can listen to Dallas police radio,” said one MINI exec, as though this was the acme of Munich in-car entertainment. Toggle switches are festooned across the dash, centre console and roof lining, and the rev counter is on the steering column.

There are a couple of beautifully covered racing seats as cosseting as a friendly octopus. The rear head restraints represent a weather forecaster’s optimism as there is no room behind the seats for anything other than shopping that comes in expensive small bags, although the boot is impressively large.

Trim is black, silver and body colour, with nice surface changes, although we’re not sure about the Toffy (sic) brown, which is very close to puppy poo.

Under the bonnet is a choice of the BMW/PSA 1.6-litre four-cylinder, with a twin-scroll turbo, or BMW’s 141bhp, 2.0-litre turbodiesel. You pay more, you go faster and use more fuel; the range is very simple. A six-speed manual transmission is standard with an optional six-speed automatic on all but the top John Cooper Works (JCW) model.

That JCW is the roadburner of the range, punching out 208bhp and capable of 0-62mph in 6.4sec. BMW claims almost 40mpg in the Combined cycle but you’d have to be a bishop’s conscience to achieve that. It begs to be stood on, with a fine wailing soundtrack, a crackling overrun and a wide powerband that makes it quick in any condition.

Although the engine will pull from as low as 1,500rpm, changing gear boosts progress and that’s not a hardship, with a mechanical-feeling but fast change quality.

As ever with MINI, the ride is only just south of acceptable, but on 17-inch rims and 45 per cent profile tyres the JCW rides better than it has a right to, especially since it carries stiffer dampers and bigger anti-roll bars. Those wide tyres flap over drain covers and into potholes and it feels oversprung, but the ride is just tolerable. MacPherson strut front and multi-link rear suspension supports an agile chassis, which dives into corners and holds on well, with only a correction to the line if you lift off.

Turn off the stability control and the rear gets fidgety at very high side loads, but this is a sound and safe chassis, although the electronically assisted steering is almost too direct, inert and the weighting changes according to side loads.

To compensate for the aerodynamic lift caused by the fastback roof, there’s a lifting spoiler (police note, it rises at 50mph and sinks at 37mph) and you can feel that extra downforce in fast corners as well as the enhanced body stiffness of the boxed-in rear bodywork and strengthened sills.

Then we tried the diesel. It is the car you don’t want – even if it does deliver 65.7mpg with 114g/km Band C CO2 emissions. The engine is heavy and that affects the dynamics, it vibrates strongly through the major controls and even on smaller wheels and taller tyres the ride is little short of atrocious – and that’s on German roads, which are like a cherub’s bottom compared to ours.

In JCW trim, this is a very fast car, rewarding to drive hard, with a hardcore but just-tolerable ride compromise. Renault’s hot Clio models have a handling edge and Citroën’s DS4 is more practical, but the MINI Coupé is a classy if pricey alternative which, if past performance is any guide, should hold its value well.

My only doubts are about those looks. I just can’t decide whether it’s pug ugly or interestingly different. What do you think?

Verdict: The fastest and most sporting MINI so far. Well put together and fun to drive in petrol form, but the diesel is lacklustre apart from economy. Expensive, although it should hold its value well

Telegraph rating: Four out of five stars

RIVALS

Citroën DS4 1.6 THP, from £23,650

A clever rework of the unexceptional C4, with the same engine as the MINI. Not quite as nice as the German car, but very different, with great handling. Top speed 146mph, 0-62mph in 8.5sec and 44.1mpg.

Charming, souped-up 500 is a well-judged mix of performance and style. Just about a four-seater, with a unique interior. The 135bhp 1.4-litre turbo engine gives a top speed of 128mph, 0-62mph in 7.9sec and 43.4mpg.