Despite the plausibility that the Lakers are a real NBA team, they once again proved the contrary with yet another blowout loss. Well, I guess they’ve been in some games, but c’mon! Kobe Bryant is trying to do everything himself, like an asexual chronic masturbator. 15-34 FG last night (3-12 3PTM 11-16 FT) for 44/5/3/0/0. After a 1-14 brickhouse Friday night, that’s a 16-48 weekend (33%). At least Sunday was good! Ish. Most concerning are those treys, going 3-17 from deep in both games. He’s never been a good three-point shooter, especially the past four years. Glasses anyone? Russell Westbrook has got a guy…

As I’m sure Kobe would appreciate to no end, I have a comp for him. Dwight Howard. Hah! Mostly kidding, but Kobe is Dwight-ing (new adjective) your FG%. In H2H it’s not a paramount concern, but in Roto it’s getting scary. I don’t know what you do about it except try to trade Kobe high to a team at the top of your FG% standings. Then let Kobe and that ridiculous volume sink them like the whole Purple and Gold franchise. I keed of course! There’s just nothing there. Like hairs on Carlos Boozers‘ head or anatomy on Ken’s crotch. Kobe vs. NO tonight, 5-on-1! Here’s what else went down over the weekend in fantasy basketball action:

Sorry if today’s update is a little light on jokes, as I had to sit through the ultimate joke – my Panthers playing football. Cam Newton looks more injured than the Thunder and the offensive line tanked worse than the 76ers. Buzz’s girlfriend, WOOF!

Anthony Davis is good at basketball. LeBron James can still get triple doubles. Eh, there you go, open over.

Just kidding, but the level of ball Davis is playing right now is ridiculous, with my eyebrow raised off of my forehead like I’m a South Park cartoon. And he’s doing it while being a boss with his %s. 27/14/4/3/4 last night in a near double-rainbow, while shooting 12-21 FG, 3-4 FT, and count em, even fewer TO than Davis has eyebrows, not a single giveaway. I mean, the Panthers took two plays to have more turnovers than Davis last night…

Not to be overshadowed, LeBron tripdubbed for 32/12/10/1/1. This game was redonkulous! Key word on donk, as lots of that was being thrown around. LeBron did have 4 TO, so advantage Brow! According to Basketball Monster, Davis’ per-game value is on pace to obliterate the best per-game season since their system launched in 2005-06 with Kevin Durant‘s 2012-13 second best (looking at those, man I forgot how awesome Shawn Marion was!). We need Rudy to build a best fantasy seasons of all time Sporcle! While the times are a-changin’, just be happy if you got Brow, since I couldn’t anywhere. Panthers suck, I see these lines from Brow even though I was in a big minority having him #1 overall… I will be drinking my Crown & Cokes for the duration of this article. Here’s what else went down in hoops action last night:

Friday was a cryday for me. Then Saturday was a sadderday. Muy triste! Ricky Rubio severely sprained his ankle in the second quarter against the Magic Friday night, effectively crushing several of my teams and ruining my DraftKings squad! Seems like every year there’s several bad ankle sprains with players rolling their foot on their own, get these guys better footwear! Rubio’s gonna miss at least a month, with a widely circulated update it “could” be 7-8 weeks. All I want for Christmas is Rubio back on the court! I’m holding in virtually all leagues, as he was finally banking on the high expectations I’ve set for him with my high ranks the past two years. Because we all know the Razzball Ranks are bulletin board material for NBA locker rooms…

Everything seemed to point towards a massive workload for Mo Williams, who through the first four games (with Rubio in there full time as the starter), Mo was averaging 21.4 minutes and 3 dimes per. But surprisingly, Flip Saunders went sushi on us with the raw Zach Lavine getting the start and going 5/6/4 in 26 minutes (only 2 TO) while Mo’s 2/4/5 in 22 minutes (3 TO) doesn’t inspire any sort of confidence Williams will get more rock. Add into the stew the Wolves were actually in that game against the Heat until the end, and it’s a stew I don’t think I want any part of anymore. I mean, who puts sushi in a mother f stew?! Here’s what else went down over the weekend in fantasy basketball action:

Tobias Harris is going to be immortalized in my fantasy career as the guy who got me through some injuries and LeBron benchings to win titles in almost every league in 2013. I was on this guy at the trade deadline and continue to ride him into the sunset with a twinkle in my eye.

With LeBron yet again benched like I had a feeling he would be, Harris was a monster against his former Bucks going 13-20 (3-4 3PTM) 30 Pts 19 Rebs and 5 Asts. Harris hit a monster 3 with 1.9 seconds left to send it into OT and put the Magic on his back. That kinda sounds like a sex move. There’s something kinda like that called a Houdini, but I’ll let our friends at urban dictionary or something explain that one.

As a very fair skinned, freckly and tall guy (makes me closer to the sun) I have had my problems beating the heat. One time in college (I went to UNCW so on the beach) I got burnt so bad on my legs it made me get shaky and more loopy than Joseph Gordon-Levitt. My friends thought I pulled an Ewan McGregor and snuck in some heroin. Suffice to say, I got some serious additional freckling on my calves. With their long slender shape and pretty much invisible blonde hairs, I could pass them off as Lindsay Lohan’s legs. Enough celebrity mentions already!

Unfortunately for the Celtics, St. Patty’s didn’t carry on into Monday night as the Heat led by LeBron James’ 37-7-12 (including this abuse of Jason Terry) were able to keep the streak alive at 23. Although the city of Boston probably would have gotten blackout drunk again either way. With no Kevin Garnett, the C’s gave another start to Jeff Green who exploded his green-ness on the Heat like Nickelodeon gak. He was the Green Monstah last night, going for a career-high 43 with 5 3PTM, 7 Rebs, 2 Asts, 2 Stls, and 4 Blks. Easily one of the best fantasy lines of the year for who is becoming a huge pickup for owners who nabbed him. Speaking of getting nabbed, check out this guy nabbing a few boogers on national TV. Proves you can do anything if you have the charm. Just look at that wink with the debonair of Mark Harmon/Dennis Quaid. I thought no more celebrity references!

I’ve seen enough. Injury prone label be damned, Stephen Curry rises to the second tier of the point guard rankings. I’ve always loved the talent but that ankle injury is frightening (I drafted him in the 2nd round last year…sigh). Through 25 games this year Curry has stayed healthy and hasn’t missed a start.

People love dates that you can write consecutively. How many people were married on October 10, 2010? Exactly. To commemorate today, I defecated at 12:12 p.m. (EST). I know you can’t really share that moment with me, so how about we check in with the Razzball Commenter Leagues?

Now that the rust is coming off the season (except for you Steve Nash), we’ll be splitting the Wednesday posts into morning (for recaps) and afternoon (for the tiers). Check out the previous Centers, Forwards, and Guards tiers. This week we’ll jump right into the guards.

The NBA had its second triple double of the year, and it was earned by Jose Calderon. He scored 13 points, 10 assists, and 10 rebounds. He has been averaging a whopping 1.0 rebound per game, so this was a wee bit of a surprise.

Bradley Beal is learning how tough it is to be a Wizard. Now he understands why Harry was always so stressed out. Expelliarmus! Last night Beal scored 22 points night adding 4 rebounds and dishing out 2 assists. The rookie had his best game of the young season and clearly wasn’t even at his best (0-4 on 3 point attempts, but he did go 8-8 from the free throw line).