Besides math, reading, science, healthcare, and the ability to find itself on a map, the United States excels in every single field. We’re also the freest people in the world–according to several media figures whose phones may or may not have been hacked by the NSA.

Omnipresent government panopticon aside, the 99 percent of us who don’t get strip-searched every time we fly enjoy an almost unprecedented level of personal liberty. Of course we all know that North Koreans go to concentration camps for not being tall enough or whatever, but it might surprise you to learn that even real countries have weirdly restrictive laws that no red-blooded American would put up with at home.

From the countries that outlaw blasphemy (they’re not all where you’re thinking) to the ones that outlaw simply saying nice things (about one notorious person), here are five things you’re totally free to do that would land you in prison elsewhere in the “free” world.

First up: Here, we imprison the perpetrator. There, they imprison the victim…