Directors are a bell curve. They start out unknown and rapidly rise in rep, more often than not through good luck, not talent. They make a big flick, get some cred, start believing their own press, take up an addiction, and start making celebrity filled movies that are nothing more than a long wank. U-Turn is just such a movie.

Oli Stone can make anything he wants. If he decides his local deli assistant should be a star, then his local deli-assistant becomes a star. If he decides to make a $300m remake of Barb Wire starring an Olsen Twin, chances are someone'll pony up the big ones to make it happen.

And hence you have U-Turn. Stone hitting the desert, bringing in an indian for sage advice, throwing in way too many bizarro cutaways and close-ups designed to look poignant because they're pointless.

Masses of celebrities filling every damn role is also an Oli habit. Why Jon Voight is needed to play an old crazy indian is beyond me. I mean, any time you have to dress someone in rags, cover their face with hair, black out their teeth, put dark glasses on them, make them talk with an accent and paint their skin just to get them to look realistic, you're either making Star Wars or you need to rethink your casting. What's wrong with just getting an indian to play the role? Native American my ass.

So the gig is this. Sean Penn is a hood driving across country to pay off some other hoods he owes money to. When his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, he has no option but to let old crazy Billy Bob Thornton fix his car. Stuck in the most backward town in existence while his car is worked on, Penn meets the delectable Jennifer Lopez, a prickteaser of the highest order. Just as she's about to ride the skinslide, husband Nick Nolte comes home.

To make a long story short, the only way Penn can get out of town is by killing Jen Lopez. Or Nolte. Or everybody. Or himself. By the end, you kind of hope the one to be killed is you.

The performances are all enthusiastic. You can see everyone's happy to be in a Stone flick, assuming it's bound to be big box office and a career stepping stone. It never was. U-Turn was pretty much ignored and the reason why is that it's mostly crap.

Oh sure, there's funny stuff. There's some clumsy sexual atmos. And there's a bunch of weirdo sub plot characters - Joaquin Phoenix (if only he could have changed places with the more talented River) and Claire Danes being just two. Sean Penn, as always, kicks mighty ass as a snide loser.

But, much like Warren Beatty's directorial masturbation exercise, Dick Tracy, once you've met all the bizarro charaters, there's nothing left to see but the odd starlet's rump. And even in an Oliver Stone movie.. that's just not enough.