Tedious, ungrammatical, unoriginal and tasteless crap from someone old enough to know better.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Since you ask

Congratulations, Watski, on setting the tone for this week’s postings. None of this maudlin stuff about politics and the like, but a serious debate about sex in outer space.

The whole purpose of this internet thingy is to publicise the pointless, glory in the absurd and debunk those who think that they understand anything about human existence.

We idiots must band together to try to use up all of the world’s available disk space in pursuit of the bizarre.

A regular reader, a Mr Trellis of North Epsom, commented to me today that my contributions of late have been somewhat sparse. Well, Mr T, put your keyboard where your mouth is, and add a comment or two here, or are you concerned that Form 4a in the school where you teach will track you down here, and have concrete proof that you have crossed the boundaries of appropriate behaviour?

I am regularly asked, usually by people with nothing better to do, whether I have nothing better to do than ponce around on the internet. Up to this point, my answer has been an indignant “NO”. Henceforth, I shall strive to be more belligerent in my response. “Sod off you pompous prat”, or something equally reminiscent of Byron, shall be my reply.

Another new friend, a Mr Trellis of North Accra, who does not have regular access to the internet, asked me today what I put on my website. “Nonsense”, was my proud response.

So, dear friends, remember that I care nothing for your religion, politics, opinions, views, beliefs or your favourite member of the Bucharest Philharmonic Orchestra. I do, however, deeply appreciate your support in helping to maintain these outcrops of sanity in a universe filled with confusion.

Hats off toBoris(bearing in mind that he is a professional buffoon), who has decorated his photograph on his web log with an enormous phallus, upon which he has tattooed his name, lest those fortunate enough to receive his sexual attention should be in any doubt by whom they are being shafted.* My campaign seems to have resulted in Bozza changing his website to something less phallic. I offer my deepest apologies.

I feel, at this point, that a special mention must be given to Chas Griffin, whose eccentricity is accentuated by his appearance, (unfortunately not readily appreciated on the web) and who has written an article in the Summer 2005 edition of "The Organic Way", detailing the characteristics of and reasons for his owning 3 pairs of Welllington boots. I think that he was paid for doing this. I am filled with admiration.

The pace of Epsom life rarely permits correspondence of this nature but your challenge has festered now for some days and has refused inconceivably to lapse into oblivion. A certain uplift of the spirit helped by England’s sublime victory over Australia today encourages me to look kindly on your invitation.

My first observation concerning your singular website relates to your photograph which reminds me not just of Einstein (which you were helpful enough to draw my attention to) but also to Professor David Starkey, my one time mentor and ‘Rudest Man in Britain’. The likeness is so disturbing that I confess to having stared it at length on several occasions. I am not going so far as to suggest some kind of imposture in which you are pretending to be Vicus Scurra while hosting a ‘popular’ history series on the British monarchy but the shared fixation on this tedious soap opera gives me reason for suspicion that you are one and the same person. Discuss.