Pick Your Topic Tuesday: Really? Another Apes Movie?

My thanks go out this week to Phil at Possible Experience for his winning topic suggestion of weighing the pros and cons of the newest Planet of the Apes movie. If you haven’t checked out his blog yet please do. Phil gives some terrific insight on the political arena, as well as providing some great opinions on current events. Do your self a favor and stop by Possible Experience; you’ll be happy you did. By the way Phil, I will be adding you to my blog roll, keep up the great work!

Without further adieu, I bring you:

Really? More Ape Movies?

Those damn dirty apes are back, and coming soon to an over priced theatre near you! Due to be released on August 5th, The Planet of the Apes franchise is about to be rebooted with the Rise of the Planet of the Apes. The newest guerrilla beats man movie is directed by Rupert Wyatt and features James Franco (Harry Osborn from the Spiderman trilogy). Set in modern day San Francisco, the movie is a reality based cautionary tale, telling the story of how human society is overthrown by apes that are led by a genetically altered ape named Caesar.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes is a prequel to the original Planet of the Apes movies from 1968. The original featured Charlton Heston, and evolved into 4 sequels, two TV series, as well as two sets of comic books. In addition, there was the 2001 remake featuring Mark Wahlberg, a film that was so bad, it made me want to fling my own poo at the screen in disgust. Wyatt is already planning several sequels in the anticipation that the Ape franchise will successfully be revived.

Do we really need a new Apes movie, let alone a whole series of them? Let’s take a look at the pros and cons:

Pros

 The movie is rumored to have some awesome special effects: The same company that did the visually stunning special effects for Avatar handled the effects for Apes. I think it’s safe to assume that the effects in this movie will knock your socks off.

 John Lithgow is in the movie: Anything with John Lithgow in it has to have some redeeming qualities, right?

 James Franco and Frieda Pinto (Slumdog Millionaire) are the co-stars: Some delicious eye candy to go along with the dazzling special effects. Ok, I’m kind of curious.

 Creationists are going to be pissed: Apes taking over the planet? Outrageous! God would never allow it!

Cons

 Republicans will probably think this is a political documentary: Based on the 2008 elections. I can see Glenn Beck pointing his fat racist finger, and exclaiming “See!” “ This is what happens when …”

 The film continues the stereotype of apes: As long as there are Apes films, we are never going to overcome the fear and hatred of Apes. We will forever view them as dirty aggressive animals, who want nothing more than to take over the world and force everyone else to bow to them and their god. This movie is starting to sound like it was produced by Herman Cain or Michele Bachmann, or (insert name of GOP presidential candidate, governor, or congressmen here)!

 I’m really getting sick of; Reboots, remakes, sequels, prequels, etc. Does anyone in Hollywood come up with anything original anymore? What’s next? A reboot of Revenge of the Nerds? Or how about this: A prequel to the Jaws franchise. In this version Brody meets and has an affair with the shark while he’s attending Police Chief of Small Tourist Islands College. The affair is hot and heavy, but Brody breaks it off because of peer pressure from the other police chief hopefuls. The Great White hootchy mama shark is forced to leave, bitter at Brody for forsaking their love in order to keep his Barney Fife like school chums.

There you have the pros and cons; what do you think? Should there be an Apes reboot? I don’t really care either way. I’m not going to go see it. Its way too fucking expensive to go to the movies, and if I’m going to take out a bank loan to see a flick this summer, it’s going to be for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2. Now there’s a franchise I would love to see continue on!

Thanks for picking my topic. I’m thrilled! You hit all the relevant points in your even handed discussion of the merits/demerits. And I suggest you copyright your idea of a prequel to Jaws—it is just ludicrous enough to tempt a big budget movie producer.