3) Before moving into a
house, be sure to check for the following structural imperfections: (A) Doors or
paper-thin walls that can be broken down easily by shambling corpses. (B) Windows
built close to the ground that permit creepy-crawlies to ooze freely onto the premises.
(C) Creaking floors that can alert serial killers to your presence. (D)
Whispering walls. (Hint: this is not normal; ignore the
overly-motivated
realtor). (E) Unusual closets or other alcoves that might contain unusual
objects or creatures. (F) Storage spaces beneath stairways. (G) Sealed rooms,
walled-up doors, tunnels of any sort, and wells that go all the way down to Hell.
(H) Regarding basements and attics: make sure nothing has died in either room before
you moved in.

4) Never stand in, on,
above, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the
dead in any shape, form, or permutation.

5) If you find a town which
looks deserted, it's probably for a damn good reason. If no one else sane,
healthy, or normal is spending time there then you shouldn't either!

6) Stay away from certain
geographical locations, including Amity Island, Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield,
Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in
Maine, Massachusetts, or Texas.

7) This goes double for Weir,
Kansas!

8) If a meteor strikes nearby,
move out of town. Check that; move out of the county.

9) Never loiter about, below,
beside, or near a window--especially those that would appear to be more easily
shattered.

10) Never put your back to or lean
against a door.

11) Never stand in an open doorway
and/or lean against the frame...especially if the room behind you is dark.

12) Never open a door to a
closet or the outside: the bad thing is just on the other side, waiting...

13) If you walk into the
local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix
is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

14) If you discover that the
place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, strange deaths, bizarre
suicides, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, LEAVE.

15) Never take the dare to
spend the night in a haunted house, tomb, mausoleum, or cemetery.

16) A small-town's little
summer celebration sounds like fun, but if you hear the locals say things like, "Why
you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even *have* the barbecue without you!", run
like hell.

19) If the living dead are
outside and the windows are boarded up don't go near them. Carpentry
skills and reliable building materials aren't what they used to be.

20) DON'T hide in a barn,
warehouse or other enclosed area with only one exit!

21) Avoid houses where
portraits have moving eyes, the taps drip blood, and the dog begins pawing at the wall for
no reason.

22) Avoid houses where the cat
stares at a blank spot on the wall for hour--wait, that's every house I've
ever lived in with a cat!

23) Anytime you find
yourself in a hospital where only 5 people seem to be working and most of the patients'
rooms are empty, check yourself out and take your chances on the street with a
box of band-aids and a bottle of aspirin.

24) Never camp or build
homes on Indian burial grounds.

25) Never camp or build homes NEAR
Indian burial grounds.

26) Just maintain a five mile
minimum distance from any kind of burial ground!

27) Pet Cemeteries (or any other
spelling thereof) should not even be located in the same county or parish.

28) If the rest of the house
is well lit and you hear a strange sound coming from the only room whose light switch
doesn't work...think about it. Circuit breakers do not include sound
effects: get the
heck out of there.

29) Never, under any
circumstances, go to summer camp.

30) If you're being chased
by a giant, radioactive monster, Subways, Skyscrapers, Nuclear Power Plants or (God help
you!) the Tokyo Tower are not good places to hide. In general, giant radioactive
monsters have a strong preference for destroying famous landmarks (Eiffel Tower, White
House etc.), as opposed to lesser known structures.

31) Ditto for hostile aliens
in giant motherships...

32) If you're being chased
by zombies, get in a room and lock the door: they're too stupid to turn the handle.

33) Don't ever try to open a
door that has been sealed for a long time or if you don't know what reason it was sealed
for. There is about a 95.7% chance that it was done for a very good reason.

34) Don't get locked in any
building or business after hours.

35) Do not keep Venus
flytraps on/near nuclear research facilities.

36) Always try and stay in
the center of the room, keeping away from suspiciously low-lit corners, UNLESS there's a
peculiar design on the floor or a chandelier overhead--either one means you're
as good as dead.

37) When investigating a
house or place shunned by the whispering townsfolk, don't try on the clothes in the trunk
in the attic, don't look in the mirrors, and don't read the diaries.

38) Sudden or
unexpected noises
coming from the tool shed are generally bad. Investigating such noises is
generally even worse.

39) Don't stay at Farmer
Vincent's Motel. (And you don't even want to know what "kinds of critters"
are in "Farmer Vincent's fritters.")

40) When realizing there are
over 10 dead people in the woods, don't lock yourself in a deserted house in which the
phone lines are dead.

41) If the young girls of
the neighborhood sing songs about bogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.

42) Try to avoid going into
fruit cellars of old abandoned cabins.

43) The "Keep Out"
sign is probably there for a very good reason.

44) Never be in an isolated
place of any kind.

45) Wax museums are always a
bad idea and should be totally avoided after 5 P.M.

46) Abandoned towns with wax museums are
even worse.

47) Don't hold seances in
any place where people have died, or dead bodies are stored, or any place of the dead,
for that matter.
You'll most likely conjure up some demons that will possess you and your friends.
Oh, heck: just DON'T hold seances. ANYWHERE!

48) Uproot all funny-looking
plants. Then burn them.

49) If you ever see a neon
sign where certain letters are missing, in the correct configuration to produce a word
with a sinister connotation, totally avoid the premises!