Boris Johnson hoping new haircut tricks people into forgetting he’s a twat

Boris Johnson, the leading Brexiter and former Foreign Secretary, has made a return to frontline politics by getting a haircut that does not make him look like a drunk alpaca, in the mistaken belief it will erase all memories of him being a colossal twat.

Perhaps sensing that Theresa May was increasingly vulnerable, Boris Johnson appeared on Sky News to explain that he was returning to the fore as he felt personally responsible for Brexit. Seasoned observers of Conservative politics interpreted this as Mr Johnson readying himself for another hugely destructive shot at the party’s leadership.

Although Boris Johnson is still known in the Foreign Office as ‘Benny Hill’s creepy cousin’, there is some evidence that discarding his trademark mop made him appear more statesmanlike among the general public.

Simon Williams, a council worker and simpleton from Uttoxeter, told journalists that the latest photos of Boris Johnson had made him reconsider his previous opinion of the bumbling gaffe-prone MP.

He explained, “I used to like him because he reminds me of my Nan’s dog. And he was funny on Have I Got News For You and when he got stuck on that zip line waving those flags. But I never really saw him as a potential Prime Minister. But now I look at him, I think he is the man to lead us through Brexit. I mean, he was Foreign Secretary, after all, and I presume he did a brilliant job.

“Don’t really follow foreign news, to be honest, but surely I would have heard if he turned out to be utterly incompetent and an embarrassment to the nation. Plus, I know his name and that’s what really matters to me.