Month / June 2014

I was at the store with Binker and Squishy. Hum de dum, just getting some groceries, when suddenly Binker’s dark side came out. A lady was just doing her shopping, walking past us, when he looks at her and says “you are a fathead.”

WHAT?!

I did a double take, asked him what he said, and she answered “He said I am a fathead.”

Wellll, this is a new one… My sweet little Tuna would never have called a stranger a name like that. He’s more of a tell-stranger-his-life-story kind of kid, with a lot of charming smiles going on, maybe a song and dance. This whole calling strangers mean names thing is, um, weird, wrong, and kind of funny! Binker just turned four. He is learning.

Now, if a four-year-old said that to me in a store, I would handle it much differently than this lady. I would call him out, tell him that’s not nice, and that I, in fact, have a very nice head. I would probably tell him he had a nice, regular-sized head too, laugh, and move on. This would definitely take the embarrassment off of mom, and tell the kid in a nice way that he shouldn’t say that. But that’s just me, I guess. This lady seriously looked like she was going to cry! Like really, she was going to cry. Of course I explained that he should apologize, and, uh, say something nice to her… I really think that he psychically picked up on her deep insecurity and unconsciously aired it for her. (To be fair, she did kind of have an extra large head…)

He felt bad, said sorry, and I think he was embarrassed. He is four.

It ended ok, but…wtf? A fathead?! (Snigger, snort.) And would a four-year-old make you cry? I don’t get embarrassed easily, but I did today. I also thought it was hilarious. A little conflicting, I know…. Normally I would dive into the psychology of this and try to figure out if I have failed him somehow by not teaching him before this that he shouldn’t call strangers mean names (only friends and family of course). Is there something happening to his psyche that makes him mean and cruel? Blah blah, worry worry. But I just didn’t this time. I think he is just four, and learns things from his big brother and neighbors that he doesn’t understand. It’s really that simple. Now he knows, and some lady has faced her insecurity thanks to my psychic preschooler. Yep.

Some days I feel like Annie from Overboard. Who am I and what happened to my real life? I am pretty sure I am supposed to be filthy rich and living on a luxury yacht, and my memory should return any day now. (So that’s why I refuse to do the dishes and expect my laundry done for me!)

Other days I’m her: (Dot, not Ed)

“You soak his thumb in iodine you might avoid the orthodonture…gotta git his DIP TET!….Ya take that diaper OFF your head ya PUT it back onto your sister!”

I found myself saying similar things the other day…”That’s just what you have to do with kids. They get hurt every day, but if there’s no blood and they can still walk, they’ll be just fine.” (p.s. I think it’s kind of disturbing that I feel like her sometimes, and maybe I should look at this more closely and possibly get professional help.)

So, yeah…woot! I’ll take it. Those quizzes don’t lie, you know. I’m gonna go ahead and roll with it, and (ahem) get to work on my abs. Facebook quiz says I’m fun, spicy, real, and I tell it like it is. That’s right, now where’s my giant house and sexy accent?!

So here’s what I get from this:

Whether you’re having a Dot day, or an Overboard year, the world probably sees you as Gloria. One out of four facebook quizzes agrees. And if you still feel kind of Dot-ish, just PRETEND you’re glorious Gloria! ACT AS IF. This is a saying that has not failed me. ACT AS IF, and it shall be. Throw your head back, boost those boobies, and think “What would Gloria do?” Or something like that…because I can definitely ride a bike and she can’t…ok so she’s not Jesus or anything, but you know what I’m saying. Just be fabulous, and if you don’t feel it, act as if. No one will know the difference.

For example, I am pretty sure that Tuna believed me when I swore I wasn’t crying in the ER with him. Because I needed him to see the strong mom, like a rock, solid and by his side. Even when the docs tried to call me out, I insisted that I was FINE, and let’s please focus on HIM. Don’t MESS with me, I have a job to do, and that is to ACT AS IF I am the strongest mama on the planet right now. I acted as if I was fine, but I was a blubbering mess on the inside. I used my low, powerful voice, and told them to back off. This is what we have to do, or else risk blowing our cover. We are Gloria, proud and strong. No one needs to know that we are a blubbering Annie on the inside. I did not boost the boobies in that moment, however. That would not have been appropriate, you know.

Or if you’re a dad, you’re probably not this guy, even if you feel like it…although LateforDinner seems to have proud Glen moments in which he quotes him loudly, which is also disturbing, and now that I think of it maybe some professional help is in order–for him.

(And if you’re reading my blegh, you’re definitely super dad.)

I hope you’re all joining me now in a Glorious celebration of confidence manifestation! I’m gonna go manifest those abs while I’m at it.