Dude, Where’s My Karma?

Despite the fact that Yoga is so hot right now, I’ve never really gotten into it. When it comes to exercise, I’m a complete cradle-to-grave treadmill enthusiast. (And by “enthusiast”, I mean I hate it marginally less than every other form of physical activity). I like running because it’s intense, high impact, and I can zone out for 30 minutes without having to listen to an annoying instructor.

Except her, who I would clearly make an exception for.

Lately, however, my patience with the dreadmill has been waning. The whole Watching The Food Network on closed caption and trying not to look at the anorexic b*tch to my right, lest she give me a complex routine was starting to get old- real fast. I needed to make a change before I turned the treadmill emergency cord into a weapon of self-harm.

Also, if the paragraph above didn’t adequately convey this, I could use a little more zen in my life.

So I asked a friend of mine who is a regular Yogi if I could attend a class with her. She was all for it, and suggested a Saturday morning hot hatha yoga class for beginners.

Hatha what now?

“Hot Hatha Yoga is a challenging series of hot yoga postures and breathing exercises conducted in a heated room to systematically warm, stretch and strengthen the major muscle groups……All internal organs and glands are stimulated, balancing the body’s natural chemical and hormonal levels.”

Kinda sounded like new age mumbo jumbo to me, but I agreed to give it a go.

I woke up Saturday morning immediately regretting my decision. I had been out late the night before, overindulging in way too much prosecco, mini cupcakes, and cheese. Oh God the cheese.

The last thing I wanted to do was contort my body into pretzel-like positions in front of total strangers. But I had to blog about it committed to my friend, so I peeled my ass out of bed and got ready.

I knew I was in trouble the second I walked into the room. Not only was it approximately 40 degrees celsius in there, it was also filled with hard-bodied, lululemon clad 20-somethings. I shot my friend a look that said “I THOUGHT YOU SAID BEGINNERS, B*TCH??” before finding a spot to lay down my mat.

While we waited for the class to start, I gave myself a little pep talk. You are a runner. You exercise on the reg. You got this.

If Adam Levine can do this, so can you.

I tried to take my mind off the stifling heat by focusing on the indie slow jams drifting over the speakers and imagining I was on a relaxing tropical vacation. With 25 other ripped, beautiful strangers. Wait, wasn’t this a reality show?

Before I had a chance to consider it, the class started. Almost immediately, I began to sweat. And I’m not talking a little bit of “healthy glow” – I’m talking a full on, tomato-face, soaked clothing, worst fever you’ve ever had type situation.

It was less “Maria Sharapova at Wimbledon”:

More “Whitney Houston meets that Pilot from Airplane”:

Since I could literally reach out and touch the people to my north, south, east and west, I started feeling really self-conscious about my sweat situation. I was sure the hot Australian guy to my left (note: I have no reason to believe he was Australian, other than his tanned skin and tighter than regulation t-shirt) could definitely smell the booze and Gouda fumes wafting off me like a nuclear cloud.

I tried to forget about it and focus on my poses. Which was no small feat, because as I quickly discovered, Yoga is HARD, yo. Not even 5 minutes in my calves were barking, my arms aching, the inside of my tank top becoming my own personal version of Niagra Falls.

No matter how hard I tried to keep up with the rest of the class, I was always at least a half-step behind. I’d descend into downward-dog a second too late, and end up fielding flying arms and legs like a real-life game of Mortal Combat.

…..Oh and there’s also the fact that I have no balance whatsoever. I have known this about myself since I was 10, and careened into a tree during my first skiing lesson. Apparently I thought Yoga would be different? I thought wrong.

I spent 80% of the poses feeling like Lucille 2 during a particularly bad bout of Vertigo.

I blame it on an undiagnosed inner ear problem.

Mercifully, the last 10 minutes of the class involved laying on the mat doing some light relaxation and breathing exercises. Minimal chance of embarrassing and/or hurting myself –> This, I could do.

When it was over, I felt exhausted, but also exhilarated. I was proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone. Plus, sweating that much is sort of an intoxicating feeling. Like some ancient form of blood-letting, where all of the demons, toxins and mini cupcakes are cleansed from your body forever. Sweat-letting. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

Booze and Gouda….awesome. Lol. I took a yoga class in college because it had a girl to guy ratio of 49 girls plus me. Shockingly, the ladies were actually interested in doing yoga and getting an A in the class and not a Thursday night drinking buddy. Sigh…

I’m not a Yogi person,,,and unless Adam Levine is teaching the class,,,I’m not going to be!
P.S. I just became aware of this godlike man a few weeks ago when BF introduced me to the show the Voice,,,,now he’s BF #2 (shhhhhh, he doesn’t know it yet!)

It was immediately after class in the hallway because the only bathroom was occupied. Everyone coming out of the studio could see what I had for breakfast. It’s funny now but it was anything but at the time. Do you have plans to ever do it again?

It’s a sweat house that is built over wood and stone by a community of people and you basically lay on the ground for some time. It’s more of a purification ceremony. There is a special diet and things that you have to do before you get to that point, but it’s very dangerous. I’m still debating if I really need that kind of purification in my life or if I should just start meditating instead. Lol.

Loved this. I often think of RyGos’s imminent disappointment in me when I eat too much cheese, too. Sigh. I’ve done yoga probably 5 times and found it incredibly difficult! I’m quite fit and healthy, but my flexibility is terrible. I know the point is to go and get more flexible so that you can continue improving upon it, but F those beginner’s classes – it’s a lie! They’re all pros! Every pair of shimmery leggings in that class has yoga’d up for years, it seems. ;-) Good luck… I have been wanting to try hot yoga, too. And now am even more petrified.

I’ve been curious about the hot yoga, yet not masochistic enough to try it yet. They don’t have it at my gym, and I don’t really want to go somewhere new to make an ass out of myself. So it’s a bit conflicting. I give you props!

That’s awesome. I love your experience. Now I know what I put my first time at yoga friends through. Love this – gotta share! Hope you break out of your comfort zone again and give it another whirl. Namaste!

Yes I have tried hot yoga. I tried it after being a yogi for some time now, I have been discussing this with my self for weeks befor going, since I am very sensitive to heat and faint in the shower if the water is to hot.. so yeah you can se how that plays it self out!! After 10 min I am out could and then there’s 10 ppl aroud me saying they have called the ambulance. .sooo never again. But it was fun while it lasted!

Oh no!! Seriously?? Well this might make you feel better: I have a friend who fainted in a stand-up tanning bed once. She was completely naked and 2 girls that worked there had to bust into the room to save her! lol

While I felt like you in my first hot yoga class, I’d purchased a month’s worth on Groupon so I HAD to go back, so as not to feel like I wasted my money. And I got the bug and am now a Yogi. Although, I’m still the fattest girl in class with all of the size 0 chicks…but I sweat out the frustration, ya know?!

I like doing yoga, but some days I really cannot convince myself to do so extensively. It really does get better, and rather quickly, but I think being in a hot room would not be so fun during it. It’s difficult and hot enough without sweating profusely because of the heat and physical exertion! :(

My coworker has wanted me to go to her yoga class with her for awhile. I’d like to go, but embarrassing myself in front of a giant group of people is not on my to-do list, either. :P

Have I ever told you that your blog makes me giggle like a little girl? I tried hot yoga once and blogged about it too. It’s too good not to blog about, ya know? I never went back. Mine was Bikram though and those peeps is cray.