RA’s Diary Entry: Comma faults

What a great Christmas! Let’s see. Plenty of wassail. Check! Got fed. Check! Spoiled the parents. Check! Did some other stuff I’m not recording for posterity in case anyone ever gets their hands on this. Check! I was even able to help out my favorite charities. Really chuffed about that.

And at the very last second, I spread some good cheer to the Army, too. They seem to have been quite excited, according to the initial poll sample produced by the skeleton crew at my agent’s office. Whew! Some of them were actually rather worried that I wasn’t going to come across, so they were doubly happy. I wrote something so convoluted this time that they’ll be able to natter on for weeks over what I could have meant. Probably some of them are rereading their annotated editions of “Critic as Artist” and getting ready to have a moderated reread. It’s lovely to be able to make them so happy with so little effort, and now they’ll be able to spend weeks thinking about Wilde instead of about me. Hopefully it will make it up to them for all the aggro over the way the Spooks 9 script ended. Hated to disappoint them, but a bloke can only play a certain number of roles at one time.

Once again, however, the publicist reports that that crazy woman, you know the one I mean — the one who thinks that if you can say it in five words, it’s probably worth saying in five thousand — has some stupid complaint. I admit, I’ve got used to her going on and she seems mostly harmless. Honestly, I thought that the message was so confusing that it would give her hours of pleasure to think about it. You’d think she’d be excited about getting to dust off her postgrad notes on Oscar Wilde, or write some obscure rubbish about my decision to quote Gilbert and not Ernest, or put together a daft egghead analysis of the possible uses of the double negative in the Indo-European languages. Instead, now she’s all in a dither about my punctuation and whether it makes me less attractive to her, and she actually got involved in a conversation about whether I punctuated the text incorrectly on purpose, and what that says about my sense of irony.

Wouldn’t she laugh if she knew what really happened with the apostrophes? Fortunately, I wrote that message in such a way that she will never, ever figure it out.

Nighty-night and Happy New Year in advance!

RA

p.s. Thanks for being so tolerant about me practicing my American here. Got to keep in shape on that. Not that it’ll be all that much use in New Zealand.

p.p.s. I think I’m getting better and better at making self-deprecating references to The Hobbit in my tag-lines. I wish I could make myself be immodest enough to say how thrilled I am about getting this role, even if I have to spend months slogging around in the muck with thirteen other smelly blokes. No, instead I have to worry about it, in public. Probably that’ll be the next post from that woman — how my statements about challenges and mountains to climb relate to pastoral language used to describe the mountain ranges of New Zealand in Dada-influenced poetry. Snore!

omw here I am sleepy enough I would have sworn this was a Frenz post!! LOL except her comment made me check the header! NB. I had just clicked through from the email!! Wauw! Doing some real channeling! Don’t tell me … He called!!

OK, the real reason: the message was designed to call attention to the very real problem at Christmastime of homeless punctuation. Next week he will be launching a campaign for every Armitage fan to take in a displaced apostrophe and help it find its way home.

The problem will be particularly acute in the next few days, as all over the world English speakers confront the conundrum of whether it’s “Happy New Year’s Day” or “Happy New Years’ Day” or even “Happy New Years Day.” Literally billions of apostrophes will suddenly experience dizziness, disorientation, and feelings of rejection.

[sorry, one more, and then I’m done] The real risk is that English speakers who are overwhelmed by the magnitude of this problem will simply wish each other “Happy New Year,” a decision that may ease their consciences but will gradually lead to the extinction of the apostrophe!

Mr. Armitage hopes that his decision to call attention to this grave moment of potential punctuative dislocation will prove a helpful intervention in the impending crisis.

Not least because when apostrophes are not correctly placed, like orphaned kittens who become cats, they have a tendency toward unrestrained reproduction! The homing of apostrophes has the equivalent for punctuation mavens of the “have your pet spayed or neutered” campaigns of the SPCA.

Now, I have to say I like Andrew Lincoln’s horror vehicle. He plays such a niz sutthun boy . . . whuppin’ up on those nasty ol’ unday-ud walkas . . . oops, sorry, slippin’ back into my moonlight and magnolias mode, darlin’.

The whole thing looks ridiculous to me but it’s very popular here. Even so, I’m glad that Mr. Armitage is not appearing in it. I get flattered when Anne Rice says she wants him to play Lestat, but I’d really rather he not play a vampire.

Oops, good point, Ann Marie. I thought the darling boy was a bit barmy over Pringles, but he’s really become obsessive over the Cheez-Its. Especially now they have duos with Cheddar AND Monterey Jack in the same box. I keep trying to reinforce the idea it really is nice to share.
Well, at least his sword is no hazard to any stray apostrophes that show up at the house. I knew that was a wise decision . . .

He washed his lustrous locks earlier, so give him half a mo to run some of my Big Sexy Curl creme through it and touch up his lapis eyeliner, and he’ll be over. Listen for the jangle of his spurs . . . I think he said something about strawberries and squirty cream? He’s always starving . . .

Oh, Richard, I love you. But if you were writing for my paper, I’d be all over you like white on rice. And I don’t mean that in a sexually harassing way, either. I’m paid to notice all those mistakes and correct them, honeybuns (oops! Was that harassment? Because you do have the cutest . . . well, never mind).

However, this isn’t a newspaper or magazine article and I’m not your colleague or copy editor, it’s your charming, funny, slightly cryptic message to fans, of which I am one, and I am ever so glad you shared your Yuletide greetings with us once again. You’re a sweetie!

I don’t edit my friends’ and family members’ messages, and I won’t do it to yours, either.

But if you do ever decide to write your memoirs and need some help, I’ll be happy to ghost for you. We’ll keep the cheekiness and sly humour, just tidy it all up a bit, yeah?

Why don’t you bring those sinuous hips of yours right over here and give me some hands-on coaching in the Chicago Manual of Style and I’ll show you how the Associated Press does it, darlin’. I don’t think the boys have drunk all the wassail yet, and I was preparin’ to slip into something more comfortable, too . . . (why is my voice becomin’ moah and moah sutthun as I write this??)
Your ahhh-dent admirah,

Why, whut a plesha’ it is to meet yew, Mr. A’mitage . . . I think ya’ puhfomances are jus’ divine! *overwhelming need to flutter eyelashes at this point and twirl a (non-existent) parasol as I sip a mint julep*

LOL! You guys are killing me! I will definitely take in some of those homeless thingys. I alwasys have to stop and think about whether to put in the apostrophe or not in the word “its”. It just seems wrong without one. The possessive is without one (how very unpossessive of it?) I would like to campaign for an apostrophe for the possessive form of its! It’s a good idea, don’t you think?
Here is a little poem I found: Apostrophe to the Apostrophe:http://www.poetryfoundation.org/archive/poem.html?id=30429
Angie — love that southern accent!!

Fantastic ending line: “you are the urge to possess everything / And the sure sign that something’s missing.” Thanks for this.

As far as its goes, the rule is that no possessive pronoun in English takes the apostrophe. So we’d have to add it to the others: my’, your’, his’s, her’s, it’s, our’, your’, their’ — it would be even more confusing, you see. However, it would definitely lead to the rescue of even more apostrophes from homelessness.

Thanks, guys! (Milly channeling her American here). This was the funniest start to a Thursday I could have wished for! Servetus, your channelling RA was spot on and spiffing, old girl! (channelling my Noel Coaward!)

May I point out, Servetus, that your post is misleading as you called it “comma faults” and it’s all about stray, feral, soon-to-be-neutered apostrophes. I am friends with the apostrophe, but have sadly become a distant acquintance to the Comma. Sadly I, no longer, seem, to know, where, to place, them which is why, a tutorial on the subject would have, been, most, welcome!

Also have to apologize for “comma faults” as title — couldn’t think of anything good for apostrophes at the time. He does make some comma errors, too, so it’s something you can share with him. There’s a German term for it: apostrophitis.

While I was trying to write that i was thinking of you and Angie — I know some British terms and I can insert them into my prose, and I can Britishize the spelling, but as for making it sound really British? No clue. I tried to hear Mr. Armitage talking in my head, but it was hard. I can imagine you are really doing Angie a favor.

She is, Servetus. Even though my knowledge of Britspeak was pretty good before my British friend arrived via cyberspace to assist me (some people have assumed I lived in England for some length of time, when in fact it was — a week!)it’s definitely improved since Milly started providing her input. I do have to watch myself when writing articles, though–wanting to add that extra “u” to certain words, that sort of thing. *wink*

That was hilarious, MillyMe! Unfortunately, I, too, have the same problem! Same goes with the semicolon, especially when Word tries to screw with me and insists I replace a comma with a semicolon!

A German acquaintance of mine thought that all the ‘s’ in the English spelling should be replaced with ‘z’ to make it American English, which what they use in Germany. So, imagine my surprise when he typed, ’Isn’t Gordan Ramzay that British Chef?’.

@servetus, as I read this I was sure I had been spookd. It usually takes a few 20 hr days in a row before I can get to this level of brilliant humour (adding the “U” just for the Brits). Seriously. Laughing still.

Can’t adopt one more homeless apostrophe or anything else according to the hubs however I will be coordinating a shelter for all that need it.

Word on the street is that RA will be headlining a fundraiser. Tickets to go on sale shortly.

I think Mr. Armitage would be just as happy with a donation or a fundraise or volunteer hours. After all, he won’t be able to take any in himself as he’ll be traveling to NZ soon himself and all those extra apostrophes would definitely create a need for excess baggage.

Thanks. It was slightly unfortunate that the real inspiration only hit once I was commenting, but that rewards persistent readers, I guess. This was a real departure for me — a place I only go when I get the feeling that tensions are strained on a particular question.

[…] the RA universe. Hope the erudite among you will forgive me the mixing of those metaphors. With the recent hand wringing over RA’s grammatical homicide of the apostrophe (I won’t even go into his faux pas with double negatives), I feel compelled to ask for that […]

I haven’t posted a comment here before although I always look for your latest “feuilleton”!! This one had me crying with laughter and is a lovely way to end 2010! I had noticed the apostrophe problem when reading his message but being Canadian felt it too impolite to comment! Thankfully no-one here has any inhibitions in that regard and I’m so glad. I would have missed all this fun!! Keep it up!!

Actually my “Canadian” comment was a little tongue-in-cheek and I have to come clean and admit I am originally from the UK – Scottish to be exact!! I was doing my *protective* thing and didn’t want to say anything negative about something he says or does. I am having so much fun reading all the above. Thank you so much and I wish you all a very Happy New Year. As they say in Scotland “Lang may your lum reek”!!

Spot on!!!! You are good!! Lots of folk would be saying “Huh”?? I hereby dub you an honorary Scot!! Or should that be Canadian?
(There again, lots of Canadians wouldn’t actually know what it meant!) In any case you are probably very content with your own nationality so please forgive me!?

I’m a good googler, but I’d be happy to be an honorary Scot of any stripe — the accent is so intriguing. Zero probability of changing my nationality at this point, anyway, so I’ll live with it. I’m neither a huge patriot nor a self-hater … 🙂

I’ve only found this entry today and the similar one on me+richardarmitage.

Now, I’m going in guns blazing.

Anyone can make a mistake but……

the American habit of saying “on/at New Years” is oh so wrong – you must know that, in this case, “New Years” (however you care to puntuate it) is used as an adjective, ie. a discribing word. Therefore you need a noun after it! You can’t just say “New Years” but you can say “on New Year’s Eve”, “on New Year’s Day”, at a New Year’s Eve party”.

“Compared to” is grammatically incorrect, too. It should be “compared with”.

etc., etc.

As an Australian, I write English the way the English do but I forgive Americans for the fact that they spell incorrectly (favorite” in lieu of “favourite”, etc.) and can’t seem to get English slng/curse words right (eg. “pissed off” is really angry or upset. “Pissed” means “drunk”!!!! If you’re going to borrow from the English, do so “word for word”).

OK… isn’t it silly to “pick on” other people if they use our common language in a different way FROM us ….not “different THAN” as most Americans say!!!!!??????

Please, please quite taking yourselves so seriously.

I don’t claim to be perfect and I’m sure that Richard doesn’t either.

So how about we “live and let live”?

If you feel inclined to get back at me, just post it on Facebook – I’m a big girl, I can take it.

kathryngaul, I think you missed the point of this post and the one that led to it. The first post was to query why this was an issue for me — not to criticize Mr. Armitage, but to ask (a) why I care about punctuation and (b) why we’re so protective of Mr. Armitage. And the point of this post was to poke fun at ourselves — all of us — for our miniscule attention to these things. It looks like from your posts below that you eventually saw what was happening, for which I am grateful.

No, thank you. I was an idiot and now the whole world knows and I deserve that! You’d think that someone who’s reached my advanced age would learn not to strike out the way I did before she read all the comments, wouldn’t you.

Once again, I’m sorry.

I just wrote back to RAFrenzy and told her how much I love your blog and hers, too.

I can’t speak for her, but I have only banned two people in the whole time I’ve been blogging, and it was because they made ad hominem attacks on me. I’m happy to have my opinions criticized (when, of course, they are opinions I actually hold) or held up to scrutiny. Just don’t call me names 🙂

Kathryn, as I said in my email, I welcome all sorts of opinions, and would never ban anyone for remarks like yours. No worries.

I have not banned anyone to date, but I would do it for the same reasons Servetus did it, and in fact I almost did it for someone choosing to attack her personally on my blog.

Net: we can disagree. It’s when someone goes after someone personally that I draw the line, and yes, I’m saying that even in light of my diary entries where I made it plain I became a little disigusted with RA. Obviously I came around, and that’s what the diary is about — among other things. LOL!

[…] correctly placed, signals the complete success of his covert Christmas campaign of last year, ‘Apostrophes for Armitage Admirers’. All of the feral apostrophes have found homes with fans, and there just weren’t any leftover […]

[…] battles for myself. A possible struggle with punctuation — and the jokes I made about it right afterwards and a year later). Or smoking (though it means something different to me than it means to most […]