Donald Stout / The Times-Picayune archiveDr. Larry Koenig's 'Smart Discipline' strategy teaches parents how to teach their children to 'self-motivate.'

Koenig stressed that the goal of his program is to teach children to “self-motivate.”

Now that’s a goal worth pursuing.

First decide what’s really bugging you

Koenig encouraged parents to take some time to develop a list of what’s really bugging them about their children’s behavior.

Is it that they whine all the time? Do they leave their toys, dirty clothes or dirty dishes all over the house? Do they have bad manners? Is bickering a constant in the home or the car? Do they spend all of their free time in front of a computer or television? Do you have to badger them to get them to follow the simplest direction? Are there hassles over homework? Is getting them to rise from bed each day a nearly impossible feat?

After you’ve considered the areas in which improvement is needed, turn those observations into written rules.

Koenig advises that children 8 and younger have only five written rules that will chart the course for their new, self-motivated life journey; older children, as many as 10 rules.

For example: Say “sassy” talk made it to the top 10 list of “things that have got to change.” The rule you might draft to nip that activity in the bud would be, simply put, “Disrespectful language will not be tolerated.”

The next step in the process is to have a meeting with the children in question and explain the rules. You might think “disrespectful language will not be tolerated” is pretty self-explanatory, but that’s not necessarily so. “Our kids are bombarded with images every day that say it’s perfectly OK to be disrespectful,” Koenig said. He added that he would also point out to a child precisely what they are doing or saying that is disrespectful, and stress that it will not be allowed between siblings or friends as well as toward adults. “If you allow (disrespect) to continue, it can be so disruptive to your family,” he said.

Next on the to-do list is another list, this time designating five privileges that are important to your child. Again, give this some serious thought, and rank them one to five, with “one” being the privilege that is least important of the five to them.

For young children, privileges might include play time, a visit to the park, TV, computer or DS time, a favorite toy or even snacks. Older children will place greater value on social privileges, and use of, say, the phone or car.

Charting a new course

The final step — other than of course following through — is creating a chart that Koenig promises has the potential to change the course of your family’s life.

For younger children, a daily chart should be created, consisting of eight squares. The first three squares are empty and the final five have those five privileges listed in order of increasing importance — to the child. Explain to the child that every time they break a rule they will get an “X” in a square on the chart. Knowing they are human and fallible, they can mess up three times in a single day before consequence start kicking in. After that, they lose a privilege for every rule broken. No exceptions, period.

For older children, a weekly chart should be created, consisting of 10 squares. The first five are empty, and the final five include the youths’ most prized, five privileges, again in order of importance — to the youth.

Important points to make clear to children:

All ages should understand that messing up or defacing the chart results in immediate loss of all privileges.

If a rule is broken but no one owns up to it, everyone with a chart gets an “X.”

No warnings or second chances will be given. “It teaches your kids you mean business the first time,” Koenig said. If a child figures out they can get you to give in, “all bets are off,” he added.

“When it comes down to it, it is far better to take away privileges for short periods of time and then give them back,” Koenig explained. “It allows the light bulb to go off and they realize — they’re in charge.”

Carol Wolfram can be reached at 985.645.2857 or cwolfram@timespicayune.com.