Wednesday, November 28, 2012

One night in April, I received a message in a gay social networking site from a user with the handle bonnetboy. He was asking me if I wanted to meet up with him on a friendly date, and I remember his words exactly:

Are you up for a friendly meetup bai?

With a shrug, I halfheartedly said yes. I was saying yes for the sake of it, not because I was particularly interested in him. I remember thinking negatively to how big the difference in our heights were: I stood at a tall six feet one, while he was only five feet five. During that time, I have always ignored those kinds of messages, and I was saying yes to bonnetboy, whose name was Van, plainly for a change.

And a change it was.

Right away, everything felt so right. Van and I would exchange messages via text or Facebook into the wee hours of the morning. We would go watch movies together and hold hands for the entire length of the movie. He would always tell me stories on how he has succeeded and failed in his goals in life. His strong will and personality made me feel that I could depend on him to be there beside me no matter what happened. And true enough, he did protect me during the saddest time of my life -- when I no longer knew what the truth was. Everything felt so right and I was sure of it. I have never felt so happy and content for the longest time. Everything, except for the fact that he was to leave in a month's time to work in Canada for the sake of his family, especially his ailing mother who he loves very much.

My heart silently broke. It was my fault, since we have agreed not to fall in love with one another because of the fact that he will be leaving soon. A few nights before he left, we met up for a last time. I was afraid the night will end because I had to admit, I already loved him. Before we separated our ways, I gave him a tight hug and told him I'll miss him so much. We both hated goodbyes so we left things at that, promising each other that we'll still meet in the future for sure. Immediately after letting go, my eyes started to well with tears. Not wanting him to see my cry, I walked away, eyes tightly closed. Taking a deep breath, I looked back, and saw him mouthing the words I love you. At that moment, my life became complete and incomplete at the very same time.

Seven months have passed, and deep inside my heart, I still love Van. As cliché as it may sound, I've never met and known anyone like him. He's no longer here with me, but he continues to be a part of and change my life. Thanks to technology, we still talk to each other regularly, though times now aren't that like before. He told me recently that his stay in Canada has been extended for another two years, and I'm happy for him because I know working there is a dream come true for him. However, my heart quietly cried, and broke for a final time as my little hopes of us being together when he comes back has all been blown away. But because I love him, I know that I need to step back and let go to watch him succeed on all the goals he has set for himself to achieve.

I still love you pumpkin. Thank you for always being so sweet and kind to your sweetie. I miss you so, so much. Take care always.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

After convincing myself I wanted to go, tonight I decided to finally visit the wake of my friend's mom who recently passed away. With shyness filling my insides to the brim, I gathered some courage and entered the viewing chapel where her remains were.

I was greeted by my friend's older sister. After I politely introduced myself, she and I had a little chat on how my friend and I got to know each other. Soon after, she excused herself to attend to the other guests. I silently sat in the middle of the room and emptily stared at the ornate cross quietly looking over everyone in the room. As the other guests chatted to pass away the time, I found myself musing on what my friend and I have become during the little time we spent together before he left. I realized then that I miss him so much, but there was nothing I could do. No matter how strong my desire to see him and be with him was, nothing would happen because we have both made our choices long before.

I stood up and looked at my friend's mother. She looked peaceful and serene, freed from all the pains brought about by her illness. I said a little prayer for her eternal repose and her family's strength of will before saying goodbye. I held the hand of my friend's sister tight as I said my final condolences, and left the chapel.

Before I went home, I passed by a nearby church to offer candles for my friend, his mother, and his family. As the flicker of light turned into a bright and strong flame, I realized one thing: I can always turn to the one up in the heavens for guidance and support. I've always searched strength inside of me, but I never managed to find it -- maybe the reason being my lack of faith not only to the one above, but maybe even to my own self as well. When I left the lit candles to carry my prayers into the night sky dotted with stars, I looked at the cross inside of the church and felt each and every strong and slow beat of my heart.

Friday, November 23, 2012

I heard mass last Sunday after a very long time of not celebrating. Being not the most devout Catholic around, I thought to myself that saying thanks for a wonderful first-time experience abroad would be a nice thing to do. I also wanted to thank him for looking over us when we were in a foreign land, and for taking care of our loved ones while we were away.

As the mass was going on, I found myself constantly drifting away to thank for a lot of things, the first being my trip to Malaysia and Singapore. Afterwards, I asked for the continued guidance and good health of my family and friends. I prayed for my friends who were experiencing troubling times for them to find the courage to face and stand up to their problems.

After hearing mass, I remember saying to myself how refreshed I felt. It was a very optimistic feeling that everything would turn out to be well and good. It was like after being shrouded by darkness, I have finally seen the light I have long searched for.

But after a few days, the reality struck me that it everything I felt isn't true. It was a naive thing to feel.

A few days ago, I received a message that a friend of mine was again back in the hospital because of his heart condition. The problem was that some weeks prior, he was already admitted to the hospital for nine days due to a mild heart attack because of problems tearing up his family. On the very same day, another friend of mine left me a message telling that his terminally ill mother has sadly passed away after months of painful battle with leukemia. The sad thing about it was that both my friends aren't here in Manila and will not be anytime soon, which made me feel thrice as much helpless as I actually was. I wanted to talk to them in person to know how they were but obviously unable to, adding immensely to the grief I felt.

My already broken heart broke even more. My tears welled up, but I managed not to shed a single tear. Thinking that I specifically prayed for their cause, I looked up and wanted to ask why everything had to end up that way.

But I didn't. Instead I said a little prayer for them, and continued to carry a very heavy heart and a distracted mind filled with concern. I looked up with a blank stare, and thought to myself that unless I find a miracle, I cannot do anything else but to have faith.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

1. Clean. And I do mean clean. There is still the occasional litter here and there, but you can count the trash with a single hand. The places are so clean that I don't remember seeing any flies buzzing about.

2. Efficient traffic systems. Never did I experience any heavy traffic on both places when we commuted by bus. And my god, the bus and railway systems of both places are so great. It's so convenient for us backpackers because everything was so connected. Kuala Lumpur has the KLSentral, the only place we needed to go to when we needed to go somewhere via railway, and Singapore has the SMRT, a bus and railway system so efficient you should never be late for anything.

3. The people are so disciplined. People cross only at designated places and do not litter. In Singapore, people stay to the left when standing on escalators to give way to other people in a hurry and stop completely when seeing pedestrians wanting to cross a pedestrian lane.

My trip to KL and SG was a real eye-opener to me. Being my first trip out of the country, I'm so overwhelmed on all the things our country is missing out. It was the simple things that stuck most on my mind because if it was that simple, why can't we implement it here? I'll do my part. Even if I know we won't be anything like Kuala Lumpur or Singapore soon, I'll still do my part because the change should start with each and every one of us.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.
But what is more painful is to love someone and never
find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who
means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was
never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a
porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away
feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an
hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it
takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth,
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you
smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day
seem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go,
be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and
one chance to do all the things you want to do.

8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it
hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck
a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may
heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best
of everything they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with
a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone
around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,
you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Monday, November 5, 2012

As I was walking home, I saw my ex eating in a nearby burger joint in our place. He has moved out of the house to a room a few blocks away from us, but still inside the subdivision. This was the third time I saw him since he left, and I should say I wasn't thrilled.

He was apparently busy replying to a message. Good thing, since I didn't want to see him eye to eye. During the moments I saw him, I didn't care how he was; I was just happy that he's no longer a part of my life. I even crudely thought that the shorts he wore was originally mine. But what made me write this post was what I thought afterwards. I silently thought how he was doing, if he was eating well, and if he was happy, or at least content. After realizing what has entered my mind, I coldly shrugged my shoulders and said I didn't care, or at least it isn't my concern any longer.