Friday, May 26, 2017

Witness For The Prosecution

A
friend of mine was once sued over a bottle of Aquafina. True story. To protect
my friend's privacy I shall refer to her as “Rachel” for the remainder of this
story. So, anyway, Melissa had been seeing this guy who needed a car and had
bad credit, which is quite typical of men who don't own cars. Melissa was all
googley-eyed in love and let him buy a car using her good name and credit. The
googley-eye eventually cleared up and Melissa broke up with her financially
impaired boyfriend. The ex-boyfriend decided he no longer had to make car
payments. He assumed the repo people wouldn't be able to find him since they
had Melissa's address. Melissa soon tired of the collection calls and took it
upon herself to repossess the car. She had it towed from the ex-boyfriend's
place of business, the Target parking lot.

A
few weeks later Melissa showed up at my place all depressed because Target guy
was suing her for property he claimed was in the car. I read the documents and
learned Target guy considered socks and bottled water to be valuable property.
I told her I didn't know what she was so upset about. Either the judge would
throw out the case or she could pay off Target guy with a ten dollar Target
gift card.

The
judge threw out the case and Target guy tried to win her back outside the
courthouse. Melissa rejected his advances as she was fairly certain he was just
hoping for a ride home.

Speaking
of dumbass lawsuits - Donald Trump. The president spent the better part of the
last three weeks making the case for his own impeachment. He was trying to do
the opposite, but something about the best laid plans. Someone (Jared
Kushner) finally convinced the president this Russia shit is for real and
he should seek legal council. He hired attorney Marc Kasowitz, who previously
represented Donnie with the Trump University fraud suits. And that went well.
For the people suing Donald Trump.

Which
brings us to that burning question: Is Trump terminally stupid or terminally
arrogant?

To
answer this question, let's take a look at some of my favorite dumbass Trump
lawsuits from the past.

1973 – Fair Housing Act

The
Justice Department sued Trump for violating the Fair Housing Act by refusing to
rent to black tenants in 39 buildings.

Trump's
lawyer, Roy Cohn, counter sued the government for $100 million. The counter
suit claimed Trump did not know any black people personally, but he had seen Sanford
and Son and neither Sanford nor his son lived up to the Trump brand image. It
wasn't racist. It wasn't personal. It was just good business.

A
federal judge threw out the Sanford and Son counterclaim, calling it “a
waste of time and paper.”

It
should be noted Roy Cohn previously represented Senator Joseph McCarthy during
his big communist witch hunt in the fifties. Fact.

1990 Trump Taj Mahal

In
April 1990 an analyst predicted Trump Taj Mahal would close by the end of the
year. Trump called the analyst's firm threatening to sue. He told them, “This
is complete and total fake analysis, okay. Trump Taj Mahal will be the greatest
of all both the Taj Mahals. Believe me. Better even than the one in Indonesia.
This analyst is probably some frustrated black guy named Lamont who hates Trump
because I wouldn't rent him an apartment. Like that's my fault. Everyone is always
blaming Trump. I settled that case without even, not one admission of guilt,
okay. For Lamont to be holding a grudge against Trump all these years is very,
very unclassy. That I can tell you.”

The
analyst refused to retract his statement. The firm fired him. Trump Taj Mahal
declared bankruptcy in November 1990.

2006 American Flag

Trump
erected an 80-foot-tall flag pole with a 15 by 25 foot American flag on his
property. The Town of Palm Beach fined him $250 a day for ordinance violations.Trump sued the town for $25 million claiming
they were totally cock blocking his freedom of speech by not letting his freak
flag fly. The town claimed the freak flag was blocking the sun and people were
becoming increasingly listless due to lack of Vitamin D.

Trump
was ordered to pay $100,000 to veterans charities, which he did using funds
from the Trump Foundation. And that dumbass attempt to avoid paying a $250 fine
is currently being investigated as misappropriation of charitable funds.

2008 Deutsche Bank

In
2005 Trump took out a $640 million loan from Deutsche Bank. In 2008 a
representative of Deutsche Bank called Donnie and said, “Hey, Mr. Trump. I see
you've taken out a rather large loan and haven't made a payment yet. Do you
think you could do around $40 million to keep your account in good standing?”

Trump
then sued Deutsche Bank for $3 billion. He claimed their attempt to collect a
debt damaged his business because other banks stopped loaning him ridiculous
sums of money he had no intention repaying.Deutsche Bank then filed suit for $40 million of the $640 million owed.

They
eventually came to some kind of agreement, but Trump still owes Deutsche Bank
over $300 million to this very day.

In
related news, Trump released his budget plan earlier this week. Everything you
need to know aboutA Budget Blueprint
to Make America Great Again was covered in the preceding paragraphs.

2009 Morrison Cohen

Trump
sued his own lawyers. The law firm of Morrison Cohen posted links on their
website to Trump-related news articles. Donnie sued them for $5 million for
using his name. Trump filed a second suit claiming Morrison Cohen overcharged
him for their services.

Morrison
Cohen filed a counter suit requesting payment on those overcharged bills.
Because Trump hadn't paid them. This seems to be a pattern with Trump. I'm not
sure why, but he sees receiving a bill as some sort of injustice he must fight
all the way to the Supreme Court if he has to.

To
no one's surprise Trump was no match for a building full of attorneys. And a
judge had to explain to a future President of the United States that news
articles are a matter of public record. Because that's what the news is, a
public record.

2011 Timothy O'Brien

Author
Timothy O'Brien wrote a biography of Trump, Trump Nation: The Art of Being
the Donald. In the book, O'Brien claimed Trump is not a billionaire as he
so often claims.

Trump
was pissed to be outed as some broke ass millionaire. He filed a lawsuit
against Timothy O'Brien for $5 billion. Representing Donnie was Marc Kasowitz, the
man currently advising Trump on this whole Russia cluster-fuck. Neither Trump
nor his awesome legal counsel was able to prove in court that he is a
billionaire.

Trump
explained to the judge his billions in debt is actually income because he has
no intention of repaying those loans. He further stated his net worth varied
daily depending upon his feelings.

I
only made up one of those statements. The other one he actually said under oath
in a court of law.

2015 Univision

Univision
is a network which airs programming aimed at Hispanic Americans. After Trump
announced his candidacy for president and called Mexicans rapists and drug
dealers, Univision opted not to continue any business ties with him. Therefore,
they refused to air the Trump-owned Miss USA pageant. I have no idea why they
wanted to air it in the first place. Who the fuck watches beauty pageants other
than Donald Trump and the mothers of the contestants? Miss America is streamed
online now because they can't find a network willing to give up three hours of
prime time for a show sponsored by Sally Hansen Hair Removal Cream. (That
shit doesn't work, by the way.) I remember a time before I had 500 channels
when Miss America would fuck up my night. And what did I miss Sanford and Son
for? Nothing. Name a Miss America not named Vanessa Williams. Exactly. You
can't.

Anyway,
Trump filed a $500 million lawsuit against Univision for defamation. His
lawsuit claimed he didn't say anything negative toward Hispanic Americans in
his campaign speech. His speech was about Mexicans. He loves the people of
Hispania and as president he will bring peace to the Middle East. And
furthermore, he can't be racist because he used to watch Sanford and Son
and there was like a Mexican or a Puerto Rican guy on that show.

Trump
eventually bought out Unvision's interest in the Miss USA pageant and made a
deal with Fox. Fox chose to air the pageant on a Sunday night at 8pm. One viewer
tweeted it was the worst Simpsons ever.

2016 Clark County, Nevada

I
had completely forgotten about this one. I forgot about it because the lawsuit
was filed on November 8, 2016. You may remember that as Election Day. Or you
may remember it as the day you were expecting a woman president, but you went to bed feeling like a black Miss America without a crown.

While
you were pondering the injustices which plague Hillary Clinton and Vanessa
Williams, Donald Trump was busy filing a lawsuit in Clark County, Nevada. He
alleged they were keeping the polls open too late and it wasn't fair because
the people in line were mostly Latino and they are totally biased against Trump.
It was early afternoon in New York when Trump filed suit. It was mid-morning in
Nevada. Trump's definition of “too late” is vague at best. We were supposed to
be laughing about this on November 9, but uneasy lies the head that briefly
wears a crown.

We
may have to wait longer than we'd like for Trump's inevitable impeachment
hearing. But based on his past legal proceedings it promises to be an entertaining
shit show of epic proportions. And I can't wait to binge watch that shit like
it's a Sanford and Son marathon.