From The Onion: Obnoxious Friend Won’t Stop Attaining Major Life Milestones

Another brilliant parody from The Onion on the complex dynamics of judgment in relationships, specifically our obsession with the achievement game, the need to broadcast to everyone when you seem to be succeeding (I’m looking at you, half-marathon runners), and our bitter dislike/envy of those who seem to be #winning.

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Annoyed sources confirmed this week that married and pregnant local woman Ashley Canfield will not stop achieving significant life milestones, unanimously agreeing that the 30-year-old law school graduate seriously needs to just cool it with the achievements.

Saying they were tired of hearing about her steadily progressing life via occasional e-mail, telephone, or face-to-face interactions, Canfield’s peers told reporters that the woman should just do everyone a huge favor and dial back her professional, social, educational, and familial accomplishments for the indefinite future….

Claiming that the milestones “just won’t […] end,” several of the woman’s acquaintances noted that Canfield now has several employees working below her, while others expressed irritation over reports that Canfield and her husband had recently purchased a house—a “real, honest-to-God house with a stupid little yard and everything.”

In spite of Canfield’s continuous achievements, many of those close to the woman acknowledged that they still hold out hope that she will encounter a fallow period in which she ceases reaching momentous life goals.

“Sometimes I won’t hear anything about Ashley for a few months, and I’ll think that’s the end of it,” 29-year-old friend Ellen Maurer said. “But then she’ll e-mail a picture of her new puppy or mention that she just attended the baptism of some godchild of hers. It’s unbelievable.”…

Several of Canfield’s closer friends acknowledged that, because of her steady attainment of noteworthy milestones, catching up with Canfield has become incredibly trying.

“Even when Ashley’s father died last summer, it was really obnoxious,” said longtime friend Deanna Light, who claimed that Canfield was at least five life-defining moments ahead of her. “I guess I can’t blame her for being the first to lose a parent, but I’m beginning to wonder if she ever doesn’t have some major life event happening, you know?”

“I’d just like to go a few months without being reminded about how much she has going on,” continued Light. “But I guess that’ll have to wait until after her baby shower this weekend.”

At press time, sources simultaneously threw up their hands in exasperation upon learning that Canfield had slid into an acute depression as she entered the early throes of a midlife crisis.

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