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Self Love

I read a lot of articles in my down time. In between reading and responding to e-mails, checking in with my students, and coming and going from meetings/practices– I read a lot.

I’ve subscribed to sites like Mind Body Green and daily, I am reminded of all the things people in the world around me are experiencing. I find myself drawn to the articles based on health, wellness, and relationships. No irony there, given my souls been searching for most of my life for an equilibrium across all three of these areas. I infiltrate my mind with the variety of philosophies and research other people have done around these areas and am fascinated by the GRAVE differences in opinions.

Some authors explicitly state their stance on topics as absolutes. You’ll know you’re in love when THIS happens. Or, the best healthy diet regiment includes THESE 5 things… or life serenity is found by adding THIS into your life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve walked away minimized the screen on several readings that provided some perspective to my current challenges– read an article and felt an AH-HA moment of relief for not being alone in my processing.

In the same breadth, I recognize one of the common trends emphasized your relationship with yourself. Hm. You mean how i feel, date, treat, whatever with myself, is the most telling of where I’ll land in this world? The most telling of my measures of happiness? The most telling of what I will or will not accept?

I’ve spent so much of my life searching. Searching for the perfect diet, body, hair (weave), man, woman, friend, family member, food, job….

I’ve spent so much of my life goal setting and re calibrating myself according to these perfections I’m seeking. No matter how unrealistic, my goals have always felt so real to me. so achievable. Leaking with the drive to be the success story of helping the “impossible” student see the light. To be the one girl that conquers the broken hearted. To be that pearl–that diamond that didn’t crack under pressure. That didn’t give up when the once possible, feels impossible.

I’ve spent so much of my life…not living.

So polar. Waiting on a vacation day to do something I love, and associating my day to day life with chores. Answer at least 10 e-mails, work through at least 5 admissions files, positively influence at least 3 students’ lives, eat the lunch you packed as oppose to the snacks on the break room counter. Go to your group fitness class so that you can feel better about what you’ve eaten. My self-worth has been so black and white. On or off. I suck at gray. Life is fu-king gray.

On. Waiting on the perfect date and proposal of someone confessing their unwavering and unconditional love for me. Waiting to have enough money in my bank account to…to live. Off. realizing that equilibrium-consistency- minimal change– is not where living lies.

Self Love. Self Worth. Focusing on me is exhausting. If life and my happiness is contigent on my aligning with myself first, I’m f*cked! screwed.

How ironic that God’s given me the gift of all the strengths in the world of helping others recognize their own worth. Their own value. and the unshakable love of what ever you believe in spiritually. So many gifts as it pertains to helping others see the light; meanwhile, I’m not seeing my own light, b/c I’m shining mine for others?

2. Get on excellent terms with yourself.

Most of us know, at least intellectually, that you can improve your relationship by working on yourself. But what does this mean? Honor yourself, know yourself and love yourself. If your needs aren’t your first priority in and out of your relationship, you won’t be able to show up as the best version of yourself.

Similarly, step into your personal power and say “no” when you need to, set healthy boundaries and ask for what you need. Strengthen the two most magnificent things about you: your personal truth and your Inner Knowing. All of this will prove super helpful in bettering your relationships with others.

Personal truth and Inner knowing. What a gift.

The greatest gift this search for the purist form of self love has given me, is the freedom in knowing that I’ve been blindly waiting to unwrap self love- and I don’t want to wait anymore. It’s exhausting trying to be perfectly imperfect. I’ve been waiting for the scale, the man, the job, the student, the car, the story– to be the unveiling of how much I love myself, and how much I know about myself.

This is what I know.

My life is worth so much more than what I’ve spent my young adult years stressing over. Inner knowing is the product of my repeated “failures”. My scars are my battle wounds. They are my proof that I didn’t quit. That even when I feel like a quitter, I’m not. That when everything I’ve hoped for seems to be falling apart, it’s truly falling into place.