All posts tagged ‘evil overlord’

Evil overlords have a tough time when it comes to punishing geeks. We’re so good at retreating into our imaginations and replaying scenes from our favorite movies and TV shows in our heads that we can often weather physical punishments without any psychological consequences. To really punish us effectively, you need to find a way to really get into our heads and aim straight for our geeky psyches.

Here, then, are ten strategies for doing just that, for all those evil overlords — or those who’d like to become one — who could use a little help. Some are more broad punishments that would be effective against many geeks all at once, and some specifically target one geek at a time.

10. Six words: Offer regular coffee, serve only decaf.

9. Force him to watch the movie Waterworld without the ability to mute or fast-forward.

8. Release a new game-changing smartphone that runs all kinds of apps and that everyone instantly wants, but neglect to put in such basic features as copy-and-paste and undo until two years later.

7. Force her to write an article for publication, defending the existence of Jar-Jar Binks and the casting of Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker.

6. Reprogram his electronic music players so that before listening to anything by Weird Al, Jonathan Coulton, Paul and Storm, Marian Call, or the podcast of any public radio show, he must first listen to an entire song by Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, or Britney Spears.

If there’s one thing that the movies have taught us it’s that evil never succeeds. Yet most of the time evil fails for silly reasons. In 1994 Peter Anspach published the 100 things he would do if he ever became an evil overlord. They included such gems as:

If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

But while following such prescripts are likely to lead to evil-overlord levels of success, is it financially viable to do so?

Evil overlords have a tough time when it comes to punishing geeks. We’re so good at retreating into our imaginations and replaying scenes from our favorite movies and TV shows in our heads that we can often weather physical punishments without any psychological consequences. To really punish us effectively, you need to find a way to really get into our heads and aim straight for our geeky psyches.

Here, then, are ten strategies for doing just that, for all those evil overlords — or those who’d like to become one — who could use a little help. Some are more broad punishments that would be effective against many geeks all at once, and some specifically target one geek at a time.

10. Six words: Offer regular coffee, serve only decaf.

9. Force him to watch the movie Waterworld without the ability to mute or fast-forward.

8. Release a new game-changing smartphone that runs all kinds of apps and that everyone instantly wants, but neglect to put in such basic features as copy-and-paste and undo until two years later.

7. Force her to write an article for publication, defending the existence of Jar-Jar Binks and the casting of Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker.

6. Reprogram his electronic music players so that before listening to anything by Weird Al, Jonathan Coulton, Paul and Storm, Marian Call, or the podcast of any public radio show, he must first listen to an entire song by Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, or Britney Spears.

Evil overlords have a tough time when it comes to punishing geeks. We’re so good at retreating into our imaginations and replaying scenes from our favorite movies and TV shows in our heads that we can often weather physical punishments without any psychological consequences. To really punish us effectively, you need to find a way to really get into our heads and aim straight for our geeky psyches.

Here, then, are ten strategies for doing just that, for all those evil overlords — or those who’d like to become one — who could use a little help. Some are more broad punishments that would be effective against many geeks all at once, and some specifically target one geek at a time.

10. Six words: Offer regular coffee, serve only decaf.

9. Force him to watch the movie Waterworld without the ability to mute or fast-forward.

8. Release a new game-changing smartphone that runs all kinds of apps and that everyone instantly wants, but neglect to put in such basic features as copy-and-paste and undo until two years later.

7. Force her to write an article for publication, defending the existence of Jar-Jar Binks and the casting of Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker.

6. Reprogram his electronic music players so that before listening to anything by Weird Al, Jonathan Coulton, Paul and Storm, Marian Call, or the podcast of any public radio show, he must first listen to an entire song by Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, or Britney Spears.