My parenting probably wasn’t normal, and by that I mean, my son is gay and didn’t date very much. Oh he tried a little kissing and going out as a group with girls, mostly just to be in the ‘cool crowd’ in school. So no one would find out.

But right around the time we were supposed to be enjoying life and son getting more independent, driving and dating should be happening, we were embroiled in a family drama that caused all our lives to be put on hold for a few years.

In the midst of all this he told us he was gay and at the tail end he started dating this guy.

All of my emotions were all crazy and he brings this boy in and expects us all to act normal. It was tough. I tried to keep a distance because I couldn’t really wrap my head around the fact my son was gay, our lives were upside down and I had to be nice to this stranger.

I’m sure other parents find it weird and hard to deal with dating kids. It’s awkward, its gross and if you are anything like me, devastating because I’m not the central focus of my son’s attention anymore.

You all can give me all kinds of hate mail, don’t care, its my take on my life and I’m woman enough to admit these things going through my brain at the time.

So the months go on, my son and [I say my son, because I can not project what my husband is thinking at the time and have been trouble by including him in my blog] the guy move into our old house and start paying rent. More awkward moments, but I start to like the kid. His childhood sucked and part of me felt compassion for him. Part of me wanted to get to know him if he was gonna stay around for a while. Part of me knew he was just a kid, like my son who needed to be loved.

Needless to say, he didn’t stay around. Total opposites they were. Well, by this time, I like this guy and was determined to still be in his life. That has not gone over well and my son has deleted me from all social networks because he can still see his ‘past’ on my sites. Also, he didn’t want me to talk about the guy, and I still did. Bad mom.

Yes, it would have been awkward if my mom kept being friends with my boyfriends and I’m sure all kids and parents feel the same way, but weird as it sounds, God just keeps telling me to stay in his life and just love on him. Which I will do, regardless of how my son feels.

I really don’t know how many times I have to tell myself to let the kid go [my son], he needs to have his own life, to make his own mistakes, to succeed on his own. He is definitely not running his life with me in his mind so I have to do the same.

I have to now live my life for my husband, for God, for me. It’s hard to do and I [stupidly] vowed I would not make the same mistake as my mother in living life through my kid, but I did.

I made the huge mistake of loving my son more than anyone else, making him a substitute husband, friend, confidant and my own little idol. Both of our lives have been impacted so much by my selfish ways. I regret it so much. This was really hard to write and really only skims the surface of my heartache and my total selfishness in raising a child.