American Pie Presents: Something is Alive in Her Bosom 2

While it is not okay to judge somebody for who they are, it is okay to judge somebody by what they do. So when your favorite uncle tells you that it is okay to molest children and uses his two grown up daughters as examples of women who came out of molestation just fine, while snorting coke in his pornography studio located in a South African diamond mine supported by child laborers who carry him around on a throne made out of AK-47s and human skulls, it’s time to make a judgment call.

The judgment call I will make is that this is a really bad movie. Maybe a classic in years to come, but right now it is the most ossiferous pile I have ever watched and I sat through Goth and Plan Nine from Outer Whatever.

Now, the acting isn’t that bad. The plot is sort of tepid and the directing is a no show. But it is almost insanely banal. Granted, I’m not sure I expected anything else from something with “American Pie Presents” in the title, but this movie would even disgust my African enslaving psychotic uncle. Now, I know that this movie is supposed to be set up like a typical teenage humor “look I fucked a pie” type movies, but come on:

Boyfriend Two: Tits are great!

Boyfriend Three: Tits rock!

These are actual lines from the movie. No shit. But it gets worse, the boys being those clever rascals that they are feed a truck driver laxative before welding him into his own truck. This is preceded by a fifteen minute long (I didn't time it, but it certainly feels that long) montage showing the poor man eating chili bowl after chili bowl. I’ll leave it up to YOUR imagination whether or not the movie actually shows what happens next or just shows the boys giggling as a full orchestra comprised entirely of tubas fills the soundtrack.

This is supposed to, I suppose, make the boys non-sympathetic characters so that they can get killed by the titular tits without us feeling too sorry for them, but since little time is spent on character development this seems like an unnecessary step. That the “Her” of the title who is what I guess passes for a protagonist in this movie, is more confused than concerned that her new boyfriends keep dropping like flies says something else about this film but I’m not sure what other than an incoherent torrent of fart noise from aforementioned truck driver.

The girl, whose character’s name I’ve forgotten (not like any of the characters need names, they’re all under developed typecasted actors anyway), could be described as “slutty” but I’m not really sure the directors really wanted her to appear that way. She plays innocent and sweet, but I can’t really wrap my mind around a girl who keeps going out with guy after guy even though everyone she dates ends up dead.

Okay, so there is a plot. Maybe I should get that out of the way before my own confusion takes me away from what’s important.

And what is important is that the plot isn’t important.

We start off where we left in Something is Alive in Her Bosom. The young adopted daughter of Ladd’s character has just undergone breast enhancement surgery at Doctor Titts office (yes, that is his name). “But what if the boys don’t like my new bust!” she cries as the Doctor unwraps the bandages around her chest and the camera rotates around her exposed breasts. “The boys will like! The boys will like!” the doctor says cackling. Meanwhile the mother waits in the shadows, smirking.

After this there is some vain effort of the movie to create a Snow White type story except instead of killing the daughter the stepmother wants to kill the Prince, at which point the movie kills off all of the boyfriends and ends with a cliffhanger where the nice boy, or in this case “the boy who isn’t any nicer but looks the most like Adam Sandler” is about to kiss the girl. Cut to a shot of the girl’s breasts where something jiggles ominously. Or perhaps suggestively.

I often wonder why movies, books, television shows, and videogames like to put things like “In the Style of Ray Bradbury“, “American McGee Presents“, “Aaron Carter Approved” but when these titles do appear with the… label, they’re often really bad or really mediocre*. This is one of the many examples of such marketing. I get the feeling that the movie had nothing to do with American Pie, but the producers thought the movie wouldn’t sell if they didn’t pay for the logo. And so there it is, big and bold on the box. It’s not a sequel to American Pie, and it isn’t remotely related, but I guess I shouldn’t be that harsh. After all, American Pie the movie bares very little resemblance to American Pie the book.

Directed by: Patrick Bauchau Staring:
Cheryl Ladd as The Mother
Brian Thompson as Boyfriend One
Randy Puma as Boyfriend Four
Mark Wahlheim as Boyfriend Seven
Patrick Bauchau as Doctor Titts
Sammo Hung as the Chili Trucker (chosen for the role because he “Wasn’t afraid to do his own stunts.”)
Many others who I can’t find on IMDB because they’re uncredited.

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The review of American Pie Presents: Something is Alive in Her Bosom 2 by BookReader is typical of the way intellectuals and readers of books look down on entertaining films that show moviegoers what they really want to see, which is nudity and gunplay. There is no gunplay in this film, unless you count the scene where the three boys are messing about with one of their father's guns. In that scene the boys are talking about trying to shoot the "something" that is alive in the female lead's bosom, played by newcomer Sandy Brickhouse. They fumble about with the gun, being typically inept boys who tremble at the sight of a beautiful woman such as Sandy Brickhouse or myself. Then end up dropping the gun. It goes off and shoots the inflatable woman they were passing around in the previous scene. Hilarious.

I thought it was brilliant casting when Cheryl Ladd took on the role of the mother in the original, Something is Alive in Her Bosom although it was not clear what her actual role was in the goings on. She would walk around with those tight hot pants on, shaking her curvy butt in front of the horny teenagers who came to see her first daughter, Athena, played with a frightening realism by Collette McGovern in the original film. As fans of the series know, Athena was sent off to an exclusive boarding school at the end of the first film. Now younger sister Electra is picking up where her big sister left off, walking around with an impressive rack that something is alive inside of. I've had men plant their heads in between my breasts and moan and cry and say weird stuff, but I've never really had "something alive" in between my knockers.

When a movie is scary and hilarious at the same time, you know you have a winner. This movie is both.

Cheryl Ladd's character, who is named Jaclyn Smith for hilarious reasons, only had one daughter in the first film. We soon find out that after sending Athena Smith to the boarding school at the end of the first film, she adopted an orphaned teenaged girl with huge boobs. There is even a hilarious flashback scene in the second half of the film where we see Cheryl Ladd in the orphanage asking girls to lift their shirts so she can see if they have "What it takes to be my daughter." Creepy. Also, hilarious.

While it is true that Dr. Titts performs breast enhancement surgery on Electra Smith, it is not to make her cannons bigger. It is to make them rounder, as in perfectly round. They become like golden globes demanding attention, and in the collection of half-shirts and halter tops Electra wears, they look tremendous. When I went to see this movie in the theatre with two of my boyfriends, they each got off twice during the film and many of the boys in the audience were frequently seen masturbating furiously. Now that is a sign of a very entertaining film. Unless, of course, you are a snooty, uptight bookworm who likes to act all intellectually and morally superior in front of others. Such people have boobie magazines under their mattress anyway and can be easily seduced by a beautiful woman with brains and razor sharp wit. And then left for dead. Which is how it should be with snobby pricks.

And this plays into the plot of the film. Cheryl Ladd's "Mother" was established to have been raped by seventeen boys wearing rubber cow masks down by the lake when she was a teenager. Since then she is determined to take revenge on all teenage boys, since the masked rapists were never found or identified. Some say they were merely, "The spirit of Katie Elder." I have no idea what that means.

She started with her biological daughter and now continues her efforts with her adopted daughter, and by walking around constantly in the tightest, shortest hot pants you've ever seen in your life. She basically redefines the term MILF in these hilarious films.

She lures the boys into her house either through the use of her own ass or her daughter's heaving breasts. Once the boys are in the house and alone with the daughter, aroused and helpless, we discover what it means when the writers tell us, "Something is alive in her bosom..."

And we have no real reason to pity these teenaged boys. Pity is a sign of caring, and we do not care. We're talking about boys who urinate out of second story windows for amusement purposes. We're talking about boys who can't even figure out how to hold a gun. We're talking about boys with really small penises, so small that no woman would even notice if he was having sex with her. You can't pity someone like that.