Senior ents have today announced that they are disappointed with the slow progress being made to meet the Paris Accords.“Don’t get me wrong, we wouldn’t want anyone to be hasty,” said Treebeard, an old and respected woodland entity who was ancient when the world was young. “It’s just, you know, we’ve had fourteen entmoots in the period since the targets were announced, and yet no one else seems to be taking this thing seriously. It’s bloody lazy, is what it is!”Treebeard - also known by the online moniker Fangorn1stAge66 - has been trying to raise awareness and prompt governments into action, but so far with little success.“Hurumph! We must not rush into things!” responded prime minister Theresa May. “I have called a grand gathering of my ministers - a Parlimoot - and once we have spent the first fifteen or sixteen weeks saying hello and grumbling at one another, I’m quite sure we will make some real progress!”Other ents have resorted to more extreme direct action out of frustration with how slow governments have been to tackle climate change.“I admit it might seem unconventional,” Said Quickbeam, who was convicted along with several other young ents of illegally erecting makeshift wind farms on the border with Isengard. “But what else can we do? Fires burn there day and night. You might not be able to smelt iron with wind energy, but at least those poor orcs can be kept nice and toasty, bless them, without having to use those nasty axes of theirs.”“This is all being blown out of proportion,” announced a inter-governmental coalition of senior ministers during a G9 conference being held currently in Mordor. “Our dark overlord has given us complete assurances that climate change is nothing really to be worrying about. In fact, it’s fake news cooked up by a tricksy alliance of men and elves. What we should be doing is getting on with the important things in life, like eating 8000 calories a day, and really honing in on the perfect format for Saturday-night reality television.”Following this announcement, Treebeard has confirmed it is all too much to take, and he will be spending the remaining days of the impending apocalypse getting smashed on Ent-draught, and singing bawdy songs about tree-girls.

Mordor has today announced that its governmental shutdown will continue into a fifth week. The shutdown has come about because senior Nazgul have not been able to agree funding for a wall with the evil domain’s southern border with neighbouring USA, a policy which was wildly popular with orcs when President Trump came to power, as it was widely feared that this would result in a ‘stain drain’ of the most ruthlessly competent evil entities, who would all be eager to get jobs in the rival country’s new administration.Manifesting as a thirty-foot wide flaming red eye, democratically elected supreme lord of darkness Sauron reiterated today that he was prepared to allow the shutdown to go on for ‘as long as it takes’ for minions in his organisation to begin construction of the wall, which he initially proposed would be paid for by the United States.For his part, President Trump has stressed his commitment to offering political asylum and a competitive benefits package to any suitably-qualified ex-Mordor employee looking for a career change and a new challenge, and went on to say that there were plenty of good jobs available in his administration, due to his ongoing commitment to firing anyone who isn’t actually utterly evil.

President Trump has announced that the United States will be formally withdrawing $534 million in aid to Gondor.The Numenorean state has historically been an ally of the USA, but has voted against the United States in a recent UN motion condemning what is perceived as an increasingly pro-Mordor stance in the White House.“Let them vote against us. We’re taking names,” said the President, speaking earlier today through a palantir which glowed intermittently with a sinister red eye. “We’ll save lots. If they were with us, maybe I could, you know, get them some rings. But they have chosen instead the path of pain.”Tensions between Middle Earth and the United States have been high recently, following the admission that the CIA had been involved in stealing nine black horses from the Rohirrm. Despite initially denying these claims, the White House has since stated that the horses were key terrorist suspects, and that their extradition to Mordor was entirely legal.The move to cut funding comes amid renewed concerns that last year’s US election was tampered with, though the current administration have repeatedly stated that they employ almost no orcs.A recently leaked recording that shows the President relaxing in a hot tub with a senior Nazgul has been dismissed as ‘locker room banter’ by top aides, who are also quick to point out that - on this occasion - the POTUS definitely didn’t attempt to grab anyone by anything.

The kingdom of Narnia is to ban the sale of halal meat, it has emerged.Talking from the dais at Cair Paravel, High King Peter made the announcement to a gathering of fauns, various talking animals and - confusingly - Father Christmas.The amount of halal meat produced and sold in Narnia has increased in recent years, with a corresponding downturn in sales of traditional Narnian goods, such as Turkish Delight and anything frozen and then turned to stone.Meat in Narnia is currently consumed by various talking beasts, who see it as amoral to eat other intelligent animals, opting instead to eat only dumb animals, such as chickens and estate agents.The decision has been met with some criticism, especially from Calormen, which is strange because it definitely isn’t just a placeholder for negative Arab stereotypes.Speaking at a symposium of magical lions on Wednesday, Aslan faced strong criticism that the move was a manifestation of religious intolerance. The son of the Emperor-Over-The-Sea responded by claiming Narnia simply saw all life as sacred, and that this would probably just be the first step in a gradual move towards vegetarianism, subsequent veganism, and ultimately complete reliance on photosynthesis. This sparked vitriolic disagreement from Simba, who was quick to point out that all life was a circle, and eating slower, weaker creatures was only natural. Shere Khan seconded this view, with especial emphasis on the eating of man-cubs, but was subsequently expelled from the symposium on account of being a tiger.Asked about the controversial move, Queen Susan - whose interests include boys and nylons - said it would not really have any impact on her, because she mainly lives on cigarettes and strong gin, and doesn’t eat much anyway because she wants to look after her figure. This prompted a frosty silence from the other kings and queens of Narnia, though they later issued a press statement that the four of them would soon be making a ‘very special’ train ride, after which they were sure Queen Susan would ‘not present any more of a problem’.​

President Trump is to travel to Westeros to announce that winter is not coming, after all.“Need to address fake news coming out of Oldtown,” tweeted the President. “So-called ‘experts’ in the Citadel need to get their facts straight.”The POTUS is due to arrive at King’s Landing on Tuesday, where he will stay as the honoured guest of Queen Cersei Lannister for three days of planned discussions about how to strengthen ties between the United States and the Iron Throne. He will also partake in the traditional Westorosi activities of hunting, praying to the seven-faced god, and brutally exploiting the common folk. In exchange, the president is expected to teach the Queen about some of his favoured activities, including use of social medial, public relations, and brutally exploiting the common folk.The president is to be accompanied by senior aides, and sources close to the administration suggest that key diplomatic objectives will include trade negotiations, cultural exchange, and learning how to make 700ft magical ice walls.The president has indicated his position that the army of animated corpses led by the Night King is not a man- (or children of the forest-) made phenomena, but in fact simply represents the ebb and flow of long-standing natural cycles. Mr Trump has gone on to confirm that he will happily sell oil to House Lannister, but that no one should expect this to stave off the winter that isn’t here, because the waste products of fossil fuels definitely don’t do that sort of thing, anyway.On his return to America on Friday, President Trump is due to address a rally of climate-change deniers in the giant floating stadium where New York used to be, unless he contracts greyscale, or is killed by the Mountain after inappropriately groping the Queen, an event which some are calling likely if not inevitable.

A fracking operation in Kent has unearthed a Balrog, it has emerged.The company behind the operation, which has said in a statement that it delved too greedily and too deep, has apologised for unleashing the fearsome Maiar of shadow and flame on the world, but has said that it is fully prepared to comply with a government investigation into how to stop any future monsters being unleashed.The Balrog, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has descended on the town of Tunbridge Wells in an orgy of death and destruction, and is now recruiting followers to act as henchmen as it begins construction of a vast underground lair. It has said that it is an equal-opportunity employer, and will consider applicants from any ethnic or religious background, though a complete lack of morals and being proficient with a scimitar would be considered a bonus. The government is planning to pass a motion that would hopefully allow the Balrog to be deported to Europe as part of a hard Brexit, probably to somewhere in Holland.Speaking on behalf of the EU, the President of the European Parliament has allegedly said that this shall not pass.