Holidays are always hard for me………..there! There is my deep dark confession of the day, I HATE the holidays and love them desperately at the same time. My heart yearns for the traditional perfect family holiday but reality is………life isn’t like that. This year is worse than usual, but I’m hiding it from most everyone because I need to make this holiday special for lots of reasons for the sake of others that I love more than life …..but the stress is getting to me, especially with other dark clouds that hang over our shoulders. They are important and hard to ignore but not what we should be consumed with before Christmas. Trying to make this one special. Extra so since my husbands twin boys are 17 this year and will graduate in May. One will be staying and going to college, the other has plans of his own that do not include hanging around the house for long.

It isn’t as if I have some unrealistic expectations of those around me, quite the contrary. I accept that they are not able to give me whatever silly little fantasy I might think I want, and by worrying about something so insignificant, I am missing out on enjoying what we do have and can share together. So far I am enjoying myself immensely. My husband and I made a run to get the tree ourselves from our local tree farm. We went shopping for most all of the food for Christmas dinner and for over the kids’ school break. Yesterday we were able to finish up buying everything for his boys and the stockings.

While we shopped yesterday the boys and a friend of theirs put the lights up on the tree and we will decorate it later today. Then we will be able to tuck it back out of the way and put some presents out. This year we have to do some fancy packing to fool the boys who say it is too easy to guess their gifts – LOL.

The heartbreak for me today, came when I got confirmation that some Grinch has stolen my package right off my front porch. My son’s Christmas gift which is 38″ BLACK Acoustic Guitar Starter Package (Guitar, Gig Bag, Strap, Pick, eBook) plus my step-son’s girlfriend was going to start his lessons over break – she wants to be a music teacher and a student on her resume couldn’t hurt ;p. He will not receive the replacement until Wednesday after Christmas. Amazon refunded our money and had me reorder it then went in behind me and changed it to one day. Well no one delivers on the weekends anymore and Monday is a holiday so there ya go; Wednesday. And my daughter can’t use her present till then either because the battery we replaced, that got stolen from her DS i, will not be here till after either *sigh* I suppose I should be grateful that they are having Christmas after all with such a bleak outlook as things were a week ago.

So what you ask is my ideal Christmas? Well parts of it I have. A stroll through the Christmas tree farm with my family/husband to choose a tree – most every year. Decorating it together.Choosing gifts for those we love, wrapping them after the kids go to bed. Setting up everything for the morning chaos. Cooking fabulous food to share and the yummy leftovers. Long EQ games with him and his boys. Movies and sometimes video games.

I want to FEEL it. Hot cocoa, lights around the fireplace, a fire, playing board games and/or cards together, waiting for Santa, music, food, stockings hung. Stringing popcorn for the tree. Caroling. Just being together with the spirit of the season – not going to separate corners of the house. These loving memories that usually draw a family together are lacking the depth of emotion that this blended family just doesn’t seem to hold, hard as I wish or try. We are estranged from our respective families as well and his kids don’t really have anyone that cares enough to send them gifts from their family. My kids have my mother and my ex’s parents as well, who are very good to them. Their Tante Kate is sending a special gift as well this year. I will be honest, it understandably causes some tension.

I miss sharing these moments with my sisters and my nieces and nephews and it hurts the worst at these special holidays. I miss friends and the ability to go visit and spend holidays with them. I’ve always wanted to be able to have big holidays where friends and family came to spend it here. I read the updates and I get so envious of all those whose lives are full of these things. (Though I wouldn’t change my life – ya know what I mean) I feel lonely and rootless this time of year. I know it is stupid, and I know there are many who are worse off, who am I to hold a pathetic pity party? I am human though, and compassionate enough to not ruin it for everyone else around me. Though I admit my mood could use a tune-up.

I know my kids miss that same intangible thing I do, they can’t describe it, but I’ve seen the look in their eyes. They just want to have that magical holiday feeling too. It is hard to light it and keep it alive for them when I struggle to feel it for myself. I just want to capture that magic for us all……