Losing Myself

Wednesday May 22, 2013The night was beautiful. The settling peace of the cool breeze and families bringing it in for the night made the world seem so picture perfect. Feeling the calmness of everything around me made me want to escape into that feeling forever. Sitting alone in this room that was once filled with love and laughter is now dark and more lonely than ever. Looking down onto my lap, I feel the heaviness of my letters written for my family to read after I’ve taken my last breath. Telling myself that my family and friends would be better off without me, I finally convince myself to swallow the 150 pills weighing down my letters, and follow it with the alcohol lying next to my feet. I gather the little bit of strength I have left to get up off the couch and walk up the stairs to the last place my heart would ever beat in. What only took a few minutes felt like an eternity, because I knew the fate awaiting me was ready to embrace me with open arms. As I enter the dark room, I turn to face the hallway, and down I put my letters, my diary, and a ring that held so many memories and moments that I dared not taint it by adding such a tragedy to it. As I stand to shut the door behind me, I catch a glimpse of the closed door directly across from mine, knowing that I was about to ruin the life of the person sitting behind it. Not having the courage to say goodbye in her presence, I whisper “I love you Hunni Bunn, see you later,” as I close the door, knowing I wouldn’t hear it back. The closer I walked to it, the further the bed seemed to move away, with a faint voice constantly saying “Don’t you dare chicken out! You’ve came this far, just hurry up and get it over with. Soon all this pain will be over and you can finally have peace.” Hearing the word peace was all the convincing I needed as I lie down for my very last sleep. I send my family and my best friend a text simply saying “I love you guys,” while quietly replaying Adele’s “Make You Feel My Love.” So many phone calls and text messages constantly being ignored, as my families fears are becoming a reality. To me it didn’t matter, because my mind was made up, and nothing could stop the inevitable. Lying there, a faint smile spread across my lips, as a stream of tears rolled down the sides of my face, filling up my ears. My visions were finally becoming a reality. As my body weakened, I welcomed death into my heart. I was ready.. Or at least I thought I was…. Wednesday May 22, 2013 was my first suicide attempt. Wednesday May 22, 2013 is the night the life of which I thought was mine ended, and the journey to discovering and overcoming my mental illness began..

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