Male grooming 101: Is body hair a turnoff?

February 29, 2012|Anna Pulley | RedEye's sex columnist

I was having lunch with some lady friends the other day and the topic of hair came up. They were discussing eyebrow threading, bikini waxes, etc., and it got me thinking. How important is male grooming? Besides tidying up the downstairs area, how big a turn-off are things like nose, ear, eyebrow, back hair?

~Harry

Well, Fabio, it depends on many factors. Women are unsurprisingly divided on the issue of manscaping. Some women (and gay men) prefer their fellas’ bodies to be akin to Sphinx cats. Others enjoy a good man-pelt to keep them warm during those chilly winter nights. A disgusting jungle of hair to one may be considered an ornamental landscape of delight to another. The most pressing question I would ask myself in terms of whether a flowbee should come between you and your nose-fro, is whether or not your visage terrifies small children. Some general rules of thumb exist, however, in the not-so-secret world of male topiary arts. Allow me to break them down for you.

Nose Hair

Simply put, if it extends noticeably out of your nostril, and you are under the age of 85, it’s time to invest in a trimmer. This is especially true if your nose hair is dark, wiry or generally resembles pubic hair. Remember that women are often shorter than men, so our views up there are quite keen. Pube Face is most likely not an image that will curry any favors when determining whether to sleep with you.

Eyebrows

There should be two of them. It’s no coincidence that Bert from “Sesame Street” remained a lifelong bachelor. Also, it makes THIS your default facial expression:

Chest and Back Hair

Is it long enough to braid? Then trim. While working your back hair into corn rows may have been a decent party trick in college, I can assure you it will do little to impress anyone aside from people found near bus station urinals.

Pubic Region, aka "Downstairs Area"

Trimming the nether lands is always courteous, especially if you expect the same in return. According to common wisdom found on penis enlargement sites, (It was for research!) "Trimming the hedges makes the house look bigger." I don’t know what they’re referring to exactly, but I heard similar advice on “Extreme Home Makeover,” so it must be sound.

As with most grooming maintenance, let common sense guide you. If your pubic muttonchops are interfering with sex or, like, getting caught in escalators, then you know what you need to do. When all else fails, clean and neat is the gold standard to lead you on the hairway to heaven.