When Your Wife Has Breast Cancer

Five things you can do to support your spouse

by Rene Barrat-Gordon, LISW-S

When a woman is diagnosed
with breast cancer,
her spouse needs to know
how to support her emotionally while
also caring for his own needs. Here are
five things you can do to support your
wife during breast cancer treatment.

Listen Try to be nonjudgmental
toward your wife’s feelings and fears.
When a husband says, “Don’t worry;
everything is going to be fine,” it minimizes
his wife’s feelings. If you don’t
know what to say, it is better to say
nothing and just listen.

Offer to go with your wife to doctor’s
appointments, but let her take the
lead. Discuss
with her ahead
of time what
your role will
be. Ask her if
she is comfortable
with you
asking the doctor
questions
or if she wants
you to just take
notes while she
asks the questions. Remember, your
wife is in charge. However, if having
more information will help you, you
can ask your wife for permission to call
the medical team on your own.

Let Go of the Need to Control
Everything
Many times, husbands
want to take charge and fix the situation.
Naturally, some spousal roles
will be temporarily changed, yet it
is important to maintain as much
normalcy as possible. Don’t “smother-mother”
your wife by ordering her to
slow down or rest, or asking her all the
time if she’s okay.

Let your wife know that she is still beautiful
and that you love her.

Rene Barrat-Gordon

Once again, let your wife take the
lead. Ask her what you can do to help.
(I also tell women with cancer not to
assume their spouse is a mind reader.)
If you don’t understand what your wife
needs, ask her again so that both of you
are on the same page.

Accept Offers of Help
Many times
people will offer help with meals, rides,
shopping, and other tasks. Talk with
your spouse about what types of outside
help would be best for both of you,
and then accept those offers. To stay
organized, keep a family calendar in a
central place. That way you’ll be able
to schedule outside help around your
family’s needs.

You’ll find that many people are
interested in your wife’s well-being,
but sometimes the constant calls and
e-mails can be tiring for both of you.
Ask your partner whether she wants
you to set up a phone tree or a CaringBridge website (www.caringbridge.com)
to keep family and friends informed.
Find out if she wants you to be the
family reporter or if another person
should fill that role. Make sure the
decision is workable for both of you.

Take Care of Yourself
You cannot
provide support to your wife if you
feel burnt out. You need to take time
for exercising, eating well, and getting
enough rest. You may also find journaling
or talking with a close friend,
a counselor, a minister, or a rabbi helpful.
Don’t feel guilty if you need to
take some time for yourself. Many
times a wife will feel she is a burden
if her spouse gives up too much in
order to take care of her.

Be Honest
Don’t be afraid to acknowledge
your own feelings. It is okay
to cry in front of your wife. Women
with breast cancer want to know what
their spouses are feeling.

They also want to be told the truth.
If your wife asks you to go with her
to pick out a wig, be honest with your
opinion – or suggest a friend who has
better taste than you do.

Let your wife know that she is still
beautiful and that you love her. It is
important for both of you to talk about
your sexual needs. If she is fatigued,
intimacy may at times be pushed aside.
Be patient and flexible.

Knowing how best to cope with
the emotional impact of your wife’s
cancer diagnosis will make you better
equipped to support her during this
difficult time.

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

Rene Barrat-Gordon
is an oncology social worker in the
Breast Cancer Program at the Cleveland
Clinic Taussig Cancer Institute
in Cleveland, OH.

This article was published in Coping® with Cancer magazine,
September/October
2010.