Shit that amuses me

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Belial is one of the many names for The Devil. The meaning of the word in Hebrew is "worthless" and this could quite accurately describe the motivations for the anger-fuelled murder spree of Belial and his brother Duane in Henenlotter's first feature length horror movie. This also begs the question "What kind of parents call one member of […]

The Funhouse is the second of Tobe Hooper's films to make it to the UK video nasty list (the first being Eaten Alive - the film about the crocodile, not the Umberto Lenzi one about cannibals). It is unclear why this tale of carnival jollity made it on to a list of notorious horror movies that "tend to deprave or corrupt persons" as it is a sla […]

The Burning is a slasher movie from 1981 that managed to get itself banished to the video nasty list. It fortified the genre but, unfortunately, didn't have the impact it should have for a number of reasons. It is often compared to Friday the 13th and quite rightly so; a group of hormonally charged teenagers at summer camp get stalked by a disfigur... […]

Despite being an awful film, Don't Go Near the Park is an important movie for horror geeks of a certain age. It made it to the video nasty list which gave numerous horror movies that deserved to vanish into obscurity a cult status. The list has also increased recent demand for a lot of low quality shit which is the only reason this movie is likely ... […]

Some movies are so bad they are bad, some are so bad they are good and The Incredible Melting Man is so bad it's amazing. The film is a prime example of producers interfering in a filmmakers vision and, while the interference has a negative effect on the intended end product, it endows the final movie with something truly quirky and unique. It was ... […]

My first impression of Sion Sono's work came via the insanely creative Suicide Club, a film which revolved around the presence of an online cult which compelled its members to off themselves; Noriko's Dinner Table (Noriko no shokutaku), made four years later, fits around the time and events of the earlier film, most notably the mass suicide at Shin […]

Small Town Folk is an odd mixture of styles which shouldn't work and, well... it doesn't really. The ambience is befitting of a made for TV mini-series for all the family, probably shown around supper time in the build up towards Christmas and probably featuring wizards, goblins, annoying know-it-all tweenies and wardrobes or something. This nausea […]

Jeffrey Mandel's Elves is a little shit... but, it's an endearing little shit that cannot fail to get some love from fans of crappy movies. It's not so bad that it's good, it's so bad that it has to be seen to be believed and, as the true scale of the convoluted story is unravelled, it is destined to amaze due to the childlike charm […]

Dick Maas (known for The Lift and Amsterdamned) puts his own spin on Dutch holiday traditions with Saint (known to the locals as Sint). St. Nicholas' Day is December 6th and Dutch children look forward to a visit from a kindly bishop with a massive sack known as Sinterklaas. Kids love this commercial invention and welcome the excrescence of our aff... […]

If ever there was a commendable lesson in modern day parenting then Tom Shankland's The Children is it. If you are going to be hippie, hipster, new-age, middle class, tosser parents and you force this upon your children then they will probably get sick in the head and kill you. Intuition provides an inclination of where the story is going to go fro... […]

(Note: I wrote this a loooooong time ago, a few months after the D3 release. I wrote a TON of posts during the course of this illness, just for some reason, I never really posted them. I’m not sure if they’re still relevant or make a lot of sense – thank you morphine- but it’s not like anyone reads this shit, so it’s pointless to go back and edit it. I can’t just delete it, because then I feel like I TOTALLY just wasted a bunch of time, and at least this way I can pretend I did SOMETHING productive, even though it has absolutely no value beyond my own verbal thought diarrhea. At least this is one of the more “calm” and “friendly” (aka boring as fuck) posts)

So Diablo 3 is here, and by this time, most of the hardcore players are 60 and the majority of us have sore clicking fingers. Most of us pre-ordered or bought the game the day it was released, as shown by the game breaking sales records. So we all picked our classes, added each other on the Blizz ID, and hacked our way (solo or in groups) to Diablo. Then we did it again. And again. And was it worth it?

Yes, I know – I haven’t written a blog post in over a year. Well, that’s not ENTIRELY true -Not counting the things I write for other sites, I’ve started about 20 posts for this blog; I just didn’t finish any, so eat me. You would think not being able to work, go anywhere or do anything would afford me tons of time to write, but the truth is, the pain is usually at levels that would lead most mortals to kill themselves, which means it’s hard for me to tolerate long enough to sit & write something. I mean, I’m sure posts that are made up of nothing but cuss words are amusing the first few times, but after that it’s a rather boring read. And while the morphine does make the pain tolerable, usually anything I’ve written after swallowing a handful of happy pills makes Mad Libs look like Pulitzer Prize material.

You may have heard, but I finally have an orthopedic surgeon that may be able to end at least some (if not close to all ) of my agonizing pain if we’re lucky. However, that does require a rather risky surgery, and like any risky surgery, it requires anesthesiology. And like anything that requires anesthesiology, I might die. *Insert Dramatic Music Here*

Now hold on, stop faking tears – I have no money to leave you, so can the act (however, you can bug my husband – I’ll be leaving him everything because I’m too damn lazy to sort it out). Also, even though we know it’s almost impossible to kill me off, I can’t risk leaving this mortal realm with out making a few people doubt their sanity, or just make them outright uncomfortable. Now, I don’t have much time since I have less than 5 days, so any grandiose plans will have to wait. So with the time and resources currently available, here’s what I have so far: Read the rest of this entry »

A man hurts his elbow somehow. It’s giving him a lot of problems, so he makes an appointment with his doctor. The doctor comes into the room, and listens to the man explain the symptoms. But rather than look at the elbow, he asks him to urinate in a cup. The man is a bit puzzled, but does as he’s ask. The doctor puts the urine in a machine, and a few second later, the screen pops up a diagnosis & treatment:

‘Yes, said the doctor, ‘it’s a new invention I’m working on. Come back and see me for a follow up in 2 weeks. Bring your urine sample in the specimen cup the nurse will provide.’

So 2 weeks go by, and the man is getting ready to return to the doctor, but he’s really curious on how good this machine is, so he decides to play a little joke: He adds his urine, some from his wife, some from his daughter, some from the family dog, a little motor oil from the car, and finally – he jerks off into it.

He hands the sample to the doctor, who places it into the machine, which goes nuts.

“What’s wrong, doc?” asks the man, trying to stifle a laugh.

“Well..” the doc finally says, ” Your dog has worms, your car needs a new oil filter, your wife is sleeping with the neighbor, your daughter is pregnant, and if you don’t stop jerking off, that elbow is NEVER going to heal.”

What the hell is WRONG with you? No, seriously….do other states just rubber stamp your driver’s license? How is it that many of you seem to lack the basic principles of expressway driving? Or is there some sort of cosmic field that wipes your memory when you cross the Illinois State Line? I’m sure you’re quite baffled in regards to what I’m talking about, so I’ll discuss a few things you need to know for successful Chicago land driving. If you can’t do these things, I highly suggest you avoid the expressways in and around Chicago land….otherwise someone is going to kill you. Read the rest of this entry »

It’s no secret I’ve been sick for awhile now. It’s also secret that no one is 100% sure of what’s wrong with me. It started out with general pain in the upper shoulder and back. Eventually it migrated all over, but different areas would hurt at different times. Then the skin started burning. It became intolerable, but I dealt with it…or at least tried to. Anyone who’s had any moderate amount of pain can understand that it’s hard to do much; when the pain never goes away, and sleep is impossible, well….everything, from walking, to getting dressed, to even getting out of bed, is a huge ordeal.

I’m a tough chick – I don’t go running to the doctor for every little thing. Quite honestly, I try not to go at all. But when the pain became so bad that I would vomit and be in tears, I didn’t know what else to do. I had to do something – that couldn’t continue. I was at work the day it became totally intolerable, and how I managed to get to the ER is beyond me – I don’t remember the trip. In hindsight, I should have asked someone to take me, but I really wasn’t thinking straight. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve spent a good chunk of time with the Upcoming Rift MMO Beta this past month or so. I leveled several classes and combos to try and get a feel for the world, and I’ll be honest - I really wasn’t expecting much. All the MMOs before that have been promising in the past, only to fade away or outright fail, left a bitter taste in my mouth: Warhammer, Age of Conan, DDO, Aion….all the supposed “WoW killers” barely diverted people’s attention for a month before they were forgotten. So why should Rift be any different? If those couldn’t kill WoW, why should Rift be any different?

Well…not REALLY about ME – that would be pretty fucking boring, and I think the Dilbert cartoons already have that covered. But my “other’ me – That Ghoul Ava! You know, that crude, loud, foul mouthed, brash and obnoxious individual. Actually…that’s really not a big help, is it? Ok, the one that puts on the Ghoul Costume for the Horror Society – THAT one. Read the rest of this entry »

I hate this fucking holiday. What the hell is the god damn fascination with Christmas? Oh joy – a time to spend money I don’t have on people I don’t like! WHAT A GREAT FUCKING IDEA! Look – I hate Christmas. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE. Oh sure, we get a few extra days off work but I would happily trade those if we could get this torturous holiday banned. And yes – I am drunk. HEY KIDS – GUESS WHAT I’M GONNA DO? THAT’S RIGHT – BITCH INCESSANTLY!

First off, let’s debunk some holiday reasoning and myths. Maybe with a little luck, you’ll start hating it too. If enough people hate it, maybe some whack job like Glenn Beck will help brain wash the rest of America, ride the coattails of popularity and we’ll get this removed from the calendar. Read the rest of this entry »

I’m sure every generation prior to mine has screamed about “those damn kids” and their slang. So I’m sure my incoming rant is nothing new. However, we all know I’m always right, so previous grievances were simply pissing and moaning – I have a legitimate complaint here. And I’m just going to be blunt about it:

Just a quick update – Terrorscribe is doing a theme piece from numerous bloggers & site writers in the horror industry, asking them to describe what they want from horror. He thought it was a good idea to ask me. I don’t think I’ll be asked to contribute again.