the quarter life crisis

Monday, September 23: A “life lately” post. What you’re up to, how you’re feeling, how you’re doing on your goals, etc. Bonus points for great photos!

recently i have decided that i am going to start weening off breast feeding. it has been proving to be much more difficult than i could have imagined. i guess it’s because it is the last physical attachment we have to each other. from finding out i was pregnant & that she was growing in my belly until the point where she is completely weened off, she has lived off of me. she has been entirely dependent on me & i know she will continue to need her father & i for many many years to come, but this type of physical attachment is something i am going to miss. i hope the way she looks at me & reaches for me doesn’t end when this ends. i never thought i’d actually ENJOY this part. but even as true as that has become, being a working mom & trying to keep it up is physically & mentally exhausting. we will continue through 9 months & then this mom needs to find a little peace in herself again. it will also be liberating to be done, at the same time, and that is what i am focusing on. i haven’t been able to be ME since april of 2012 when we found out she was swimming around in there. i hope that is not selfish, when i write it down, it starts to sound selfish. & then i start to doubt my decision & want to run into the bathroom right now to pump. who knows what the right decisions are though? i think you have to do what works for you & your baby & your family. & in our situation with a working mama & a dad who works nights & a very hungry little baby, i think this will work for us. she is also transitioning well onto solids. i say well, but what i mean is she is ravenous! she wants to eat everything that we eat & stares at us in disbelief when we do not give her a bite of everything. she reaches for my plate, brian’s plate, gussy’s food… anything she sees anyone else eating she wants to eat. it’s is hilarious / ridiculous. i guess this is all apart of growing up. it’s so bittersweet. exciting to open new doors but sad to let go of others. she also this weekend, stood for the first time & i thought to myself, life as we know it is now over. i said that back in january when she was born, but now it’s really true. there will be no more leaving her alone to play with toys, or no more going to the bathroom by myself & i must baby proof immediately (we’ve been putting this off). so i am a basket case emotionally currently – that is my current state. torn between wanting to hold her in my arms forever & yet excited to see her try things for herself. it all makes sense now mom, i GET YOU! i understand!

& on another note, brian & i are currently looking for a house. let me just tell you that THIS process is also quite frustrating. but brian told me that madison is not allowed to have a brother or a sister until we have more space, so home home on the range, here we come! if you know anything about new york real estate however, you can understand my fears.

& throw all of this on top of the fact that i am going to be 30 soon!!!!! how is that possible? didn’t i just graduate & move to NYC? oh wait, no that was 8 years ago now!! how does time possibly move this fast? it’s likely i might have a slight meltdown next month. quarter life crisis? it’s possible. send me happy thoughts.