There have been a few memorable interviews with Morrissey before – most of them hinting at a preference for animals over humans. In this very organ, the miserabilist rocker told poet Simon Armitage that the Chinese were a "subspecies" because of the way they treated animals.

But American satirical TV host Stephen Colbert's five-minute gem on Tuesday tops the lot. It's a classic example of the interviewer as irritant – TV death by a thousand gentle prods and pokes. Pop's very own Dorothy Parker (responsible for bon mots such as "I do maintain that if your hair is wrong, your entire life is wrong" and "I don't even know if I exist offstage"), is reduced to a wobbling jelly of confusion.

Morrissey starts out in typical form. Colbert describes him as a living legend known for his melancholy lyrics. Mozza looks at him, tight-lipped and fabulously disapproving. You know he's going to lecture him. He asks Colbert if he knows what the word legend means.

"It means you're dead" Colbert says.

"No, it means it might be true and it might be false so it doesn't really apply." One nil to Morrissey. Or so he thought. It's at this point that Colbert goes to town on Manchester's greatest misanthrope. The technique is simple. Find out what somebody passionately believes in, and pretend you think they believe the opposite. So in this case Colbert takes the titles of two great Smiths albums as his starting point; The Queen Is Dead and Meat Is Murder, and stands them on their head.

Every time Colbert changes subject, it inflames the situation. "You had to love the royal wedding," he says.

"I hated the royal wedding," Morrissey replies. "They are absolutely horrible people. Arrogant horrible dictators." So by pressing the buttons, Colbert has already got a great quote out of the man still famous for singing with a tree poking out of his backside.

And on it goes.

Colbert: "You're not going to say Pippa didn't look lovely?"

Morrissey: "She's … horrendous" Colbert: "What are you talking about? You couldn't have pulled off that dress."

Morrissey: "Of course a few weeks later she's in a gun scandal in Paris and the press hide it completely." So Colbert has egged him on to another controversy with a conspiracy theory chucked in for good measure.

Having milked the royals, Colbert gently leads him to the butcher's.

"You are a militant vegetarian."

Morrissey nods proudly.

"You requested, no demanded, this be a meat-free environment for the day you are here." Again wonderful interviewing. Colbert exposes Morrissey's ridiculous rider, and brings a conversation that started with Morrissey protesting about dictatorship to a lovely circular close.

But not before he comes over all Salvador Dalí on Morrissey.

Do you really believe we can never eat animals, he asks. Exactly, Morrissey says. "What about a cow that's been sentenced to death for murder or a pig that commits suicide from listening to too many of your songs?"

All Morrissey can do is chide the audience for laughing, and throw fey mock punches at the interviewer. Priceless.