Well, Dear readers, this is something new. Although I have been down eviction road before, it has never gone this far. I've usually been blessed to find another place rather quickly, and pull it all together, and move on. Not this time. Although I am making every effort to get it together, I have to be gone by COB on Monday. Or, first thing Tuesday morning, I lose everything that I haven't moved.

Once you have an eviction on your record, most PMFs will not rent to you under any circumstances. Even if the circumstances that caused the eviction have changed, or you have tamed (sort of) the payday loan beast, an eviction is an eviction, and owners mostly don't want to take that chance anymore. le sigh.I wish I had never taken out even one of those doggone loans. I feel like not only am I going to be paying for it for the rest of my life, now it's affecting my daughter as well, which is the one thing I was trying to avoid. This has been quite the learning experience. One that I fear is not quite over yet.​This is going to be one long, strange weekend.

ETA: A friend of mine suggested the I do a Go Fund Me to help with my living situation in the meantime. Pride-wise, especially since I have been through this before, AND very recently, at first I rejected the idea. But I swallowed my pride and did it anyway: https://www.gofundme.com/2r62yfjs

​Sometimes, I hate my life. Will I ever live down my mistakes? Only time will tell.

Being raised by Southern women, I was raised to believe that it was somewhat impolite to talk about money.

Talking about all of the material things you owned was both unwise, as it could be considered advertising to thieves, and could be construed as bragging, which was considered tacky.

Lamenting the things you didn't have made you seem ungrateful for whatever you DID have, which would get you labeled as a whiner, especially considering that we were all working class, so the majority of us had just enough money to have modest used cars while living in lower middle class suburbs around those of similar income and education. The adults would joke around about being behind on bills, but shushed when we kids came around, and there was always some small gift or celebration for birthdays and holidays, so that we never (or rarely anyway) felt the sting of what our parents were going through, financially. The big takeaway was to only buy what you could afford, and to avoid huge amounts of debt, if at all possible. We learned that all gains could be lost very quickly when we saw our parents going through the Reagan era layoffs, and some of our standards of living changed dramatically.

Generation X internalized our parents attitudes about money, for better and for worse. Most of us got some sort of secondary education because we realized that real, long-term prospects for a career, not just a job, were on the other side of a college diploma, as well as the salary that came with it. We did our best to be at least somewhat financially conservative, and do as good a job as our parents in terms of balancing our needs with our wants. Take care of business first, and maybe treat yourself to something later. Very few of us were, or are now, flashy types that had to have the best of everything to show off how affluent we wanted other people to think we were. We maintained, we thought, modest standards of living that could take small hits without disaster.

Or not.

I now find myself talking about money rather frequently, as I have written at length about my own financial struggles. I knew, peripherally, that there were others, friends and family, experiencing similar difficulties, but like a lot of introverts, when trouble comes, I tend to keep to myself. I noticed a few folks around me having difficulties, but could not focus much due to being so wrapped up in my own issues.

I began to peek out of my own cocoon of worry, shame and self doubt, and started to not only pay more attention to the world outside, but look around to see how many more people were like me; everything should have been running smoothly, but for that one accident, or tiny mistake that sent their entire world tumbling out of control. It was far, far from uncommon.

Let me start this by saying that I am not anti-capitalist. All economic systems have their pros and cons, and the purest forms of all systems tend towards the problematic. But I have seen capitalism, especially as it's practiced in the United States, hurt just as many people, if not more, than those that have benefited from it. The engine of capitalism runs on the ability of a populace to spend money on goods and services. As people spend money, business and property owners put the profit back into the business, allowing them to employ others to help with the production of goods and services. Those people use the money they've earned to purchase goods and services, and the cycle goes on. When any part of that cycle is interrupted, it causes a break in the system. I realize that business and property owners are meant to turn a profit; but I have often wondered if the enormous human cost is worth it. The men and women that have been laid off repeatedly, if they are even able to find a job. Those that go years without finding a job, and when they do find one, the huge possibility that they will be making far less than they were previously. The ripple effect being that they now have less to spend and/or a less reliable income, so now you have homes being lost, and entire families moving from place to place based on the amount of money they have right at this moment. Lenders and landlords have an entire court system to enforce their rights,and while you can propose arrangements, and come up with workarounds, when your income becomes not only overburdened, but a moving target, often there is only so much you can really do before the little used car (desperately needed if the public transportation is spotty, and/or the job you COULD find is quite some distance away) has to go back, or you have to pack up your family and move, yet again.

While those at the top continue to reap vast profits from getting the same amount of productivity out of a fearful, overworked remnant, who wonder if they'll be able to duck fast enough the next time the axe is swung.

Have a car breakdown, or medical emergency, or some odd unforeseen expense while adapting to your new paycheck to paycheck existence? Unless you have a great deal of backup, a large network of family, friends, or other resources that you can tap until your financial situation improves, you will be subject to those that make their living preying on the most vulnerable among us. Loans that provide enough money to cover the sudden debt, loaned at a rate that provides an easy payment are rarely, if ever, available to those that are already facing financial difficulties from underemployment. When laws are made to curtail the subprime lending industry, they just find ways around the laws meant to stop their predatory tactics. All in the name of making money, of course.

It is difficult to watch those you know and care about struggle with the simple day to day tasks of keeping their families housed, clothed and fed exactly the way they were raised: get a job, pay your bills, don't buy anything too expensive if you can't afford it. The terrible thing being that it's the necessities that they can no longer afford, as while housing (and food, and utilities) costs keep rising (and occupancy limits becoming more strict), less money is being made by fewer people. But the owners are still making money, so this is seen as okay.

Especially troubling to me are the attacks on public sector employees. After cutting so many middle class jobs from the private sector, now it seems the objective is to eliminate as many well paying jobs from the public sector as possible. The public sector is the last bastion of middle class jobs in the country right now, and often the only way into the middle class for minorities. The mass elimination of these jobs, I think, would be the final nail in the coffin of the American economy.

I have never completely understood the concept of paying people as little as humanly possible, while expecting them to spend every penny, but exhorting them to save as much as they can, then blaming them when they can't. To me, it is the equivalent of setting someone up to fail, then mocking them when they do exactly what you expected them to do in the first place. There are those who have learned the game well enough to get ahead of it, which is wonderful, but that number grows smaller everyday. Which makes no sense to me. If were in the business of selling goods and services, I would want a well paid populace, because it stands to reason that the more money people have, the more they spend, which means more money flowing through the entire economy, not just to a fair few people at the top. THAT is how you keep an economy moving, not just flowing money to the top, and trusting that it will roll back down in the form of jobs that pay enough for people to LIVE, not just survive.

There is a man running for political office right now that might just be talking about a revolution. Although he calls himself a Socialist, I see him as a bit of a pragmatist. He knows working people need all the assistance they can get, and he aims to help us get it. If I were being honest with myself, I would admit to myself that it is something that really needs to happen. The current rapid depression of wages while costs skyrocket is not only not sustainable long term, it is creating a crisis of homelessness and poverty that, if left unchecked, is going to cause a revolution of a sort not seen since late 18th century France, and I doubt anyone currently in power wants to experience that. If we keep doing the same things we've always done, we are going to keep getting the same results we've always got. Time to do something different, perhaps?

But I am tired, quite possibly rambling, and have been dealing with a great deal of stress surrounding my living situation. Like so many others, the last few years have felt like a long trip over difficult terrain, and the journey not being over yet, I know I am still looking at probably another 10 miles of rough road. Sometimes made rougher by chance, circumstance, and the fact that we live in a world where you will be made to pay, and pay dearly (and repeatedly), for whatever mistakes you make.

When the stress of life gets overwhelming, I sometimes play a little mental game with myself.

If I were going to build Utopia, what would it look like?

First let me clarify: The subject of Homelessness has been on my mind a lot lately. Not the usual depiction of homelessness, that of people living on the streets, or in shelters. Those are the ones easily counted, and those that immediately come to mind. I am thinking about the Hidden Homeless: single adults and families that live in motels, in their cars, or couch surf with various friends and family while trying to sort out their lives. This group consists of people that generally have a job, but through some misfortune ended up losing their house or apartment at a time when it was difficult to obtain another place quickly. Due to their lower Middle Class income (Think a family of three or four making anywhere between $32,000 and $75,000 annually as a rough estimate), not only do they not qualify for any type of emergency aid, they often have very little of no savings to fall back on, as this group tends to live paycheck to paycheck, or alternately used up any savings they may have had on whatever misfortune caused them to lose their homes in the first place.

When creating my own little version of Utopia, I tend to start with this lower Middle Class group, also referred to as the Working Class. This is the class of Blue Collar, and lower level white collar employees that we depend on to get those critical, front line jobs done, but overlook when it comes to thinking of someone who may need assistance down the line. Although this is mostly a self sufficient group, even they realize that they are not islands unto themselves, and everybody needs a little help sometimes, even if all they want is enough time and space to comfortably get back on their feet. It is this lack of room to fix errors or make up for lost income that turns what should have only been a temporary setback into years of attempts to recover a family's life.

In my own little world, all people would be paid enough to keep pace with the cost of living. There is no reason a working person should be priced out of having a decent place to live within reasonable distance from their job. And, no, I don't consider having to live 60 miles away from your job in order to find decent, affordable housing in reasonably family friendly neighborhoods (an issue endemic to Los Angeles County) a reasonable distance. Whatever money is saved by living far away from work is immediately lost in time (over an hour each way), transportation costs (gas and maintenance on the car, or obscenely expensive bus or train passes), and physical exhaustion from the commute. I can't see where having employees worn out from from hours long commutes benefits any business.

Another option, since we are so fond of handing out tax breaks, is to offer tax breaks to property owners willing to embrace an income based rent structure. Here's how it would work: A family finds, and applies for, an apartment. Once they pass the requisite background and reference checks (for those concerned about criminal behavior), they present the owner/landlord/property management firm with recent paystubs (or tax returns for the self employed), from which the receiving party determines what the family's rent should be based on their net income, ideally no more than 1/3 or 1/4 of the total family income. The tax break would make up the difference. This would ensure that no family was spending more than 60% of their total income on housing costs (which is where quite a few families are now), it would provide for constant residency, and very low turnover for apartment owners, as well as a stable and steady income (with residents needing to provide proof of income either annually, or whenever there is a significant shift in income, such as a job loss, or total family income moves to over six figures, at which point most can afford Fair Market Rent) for the owners, and the ability of residents to build community within their neighborhoods. It is this sense of community that prevents neighborhoods from the downward slide that occurs when there are people constantly moving in and out, and neighbors no longer know each other.

The key to eliminating homelessness, in my world, anyway, would hinge upon employment for all who wanted to work, a wage that would allow for living at least adequately, help and services for those that needed them the most (not based on income, a method which leaves out that same working class), and a rent system that allows everyone to participate. The subtext of all of these changes, is respect for the work and lives of the working class people that drive the economy. They are people, not statistics, whose labor, and who are we kidding, money, contribute the most towards keeping the American way of life moving forward. The lack of respect for this group, (which led to the subsequent financial squeeze on them that ended up contributing greatly to the Great Depression), is a sad reminder that were we not so busy thumbing our collective noses at those we consider socially beneath us, while groveling for crumbs from the tables of the upper classes, we might actually stand a chance of solving some of the more pressing social issues of our time.

I know my little world will likely never happen. What I hope for is that sometime during my lifetime, our nation will come up with a more compassionate, humane way to help everyone who actually needs it. We are one of the most advanced societies on Earth, but we cannot manage to think of a better response to a dramatic increase in homeless families than subtle victim-blaming followed by suggestions that if they really wanted to change they're circumstances, they would "work harder"? We can manage to find money to support conflict in every corner of the Earth, but can never manage to come up with the money to solve internal issues (housing, education, infrastructure repair), that might actually restore America to it's place as a leader among nations. It can be done, but it would take a partnership of leaders and citizens with a will of iron to create and enforce a plan for solving our issues that would be structured enough to meet our goals, but flexible enough to adapt to changing circumstances. That is how problems get solved.

It's worth noting that in my little world, the government we elect, actually represents US. Not the groups and individuals that financed their campaigns and may have a vested interest in Utopia (or any kind of balanced society) coming to pass. The cynic in me figures that this is the real reason things never change, and permanent solutions are never found. The optimist in me wants to be proven wrong.

I certainly didn't think I'd find myself back in this same place after so many years. Then again, my luck hasn't always been great, and making desperate decisions based on which was the lesser of two evils doesn't exactly make for the best of circumstances either. I know, based on the most recent financial news, that I am not the only person going through these issues. There are two entire generations that are struggling financially, and can no longer make ends meet where they used to be able to. More are joining our ranks everyday, and the cries for relief are getting louder.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Should I start from the beginning?

With the exception of some short stints of living with others (I'll get to those later), I have been living on my own since my early 20's. I readily admit that I was ill-equipped to handle this responsibility, as the jobs I was qualified for back then never actually paid enough money to afford rent in Los Angeles, but I have also never really had a choice in the matter, as my family is not the type that lends itself to long term co-habitation. Those situations were sticky at best, and explosive at worst. So I did what I could to make the best possible go at living on my own, then with my son, now with my son and daughter.

Back then, I worked as a temporary employee. Before I learned to be registered with multiple agencies, I generally only worked for one at a time, staying with one agency until they stopped calling, then moving on to another agency. When there is rent, childcare and bills to pay, temp work doesn't always cover everything, so I was always on the lookout for that elusive permanent job. In the meantime, I learned to dread dry spells, those seasons when the temp jobs dried up for a couple of months due to the comings and goings of college students that are often used as unpaid interns for the companies that usually employed me. It was during these dry spells that I became very familiar with evictions.

The pattern would go something like this: While I was working, everything would be okay, but just barely. I had no car or bank account, so I would pickup my check at the temp agency, cash it either at the bank the check was drawn on (before that option was taken away by the banks) or the check cashing place, then on Saturdays, hop on the bus with my son to go pay bills. It was always a careful dance on the edge, quite literally living paycheck to weekly paycheck, while trying to move forward. Whenever an assignment would end, two things would invariably happen: There would be just enough of a wait before the next assignment to put me behind on bills and rent; and I would also have to repair or replace an (always purchased used) appliance. It never failed. It would be a tragic comedy if it had not gotten so predictable that I could pinpoint, almost to a day, when something would go horribly wrong. Shortly afer putting out that fire, the 3-day notice would appear in such a way that there was no way to answer it in a timely fashion, followed by the Unlawful Detainer, followed by a tear filled court appearance (which usually cost me a day of work from the assignment that I had usually JUST STARTED, which I was not going to get paid for and usually made a poor impression which hastened the end of that assignment as well) that generally ended with me getting a crappy note in my credit record, and a extremely small amount of time for me to convince someone to rent to a single parent that worked low-paying temp jobs.

If this sounds familiar, it is because this has been the subject of quite a few recent documentaries, most notably HBO's Paycheck to Paycheck: http://www.hbo.com/documentaries/paycheck-to-paycheck-the-life-and-times-of-katrina-gilbert#/ , and more recently, Spent: Looking For Change: http://www.spentmovie.com/. Both films detail the lives of those who, 20 years ago, might have been squarely middle class, but due to inflation, accidents, illness and other unexpected circumstances, have found themselves in deep financial holes, struggling to meet basic daily needs for themselves and their families. In these scenarios, even two parent families aren't spared, especially when the other parent (or partner) either can't work, or is unable to find stable employment. Spent specifically focuses on the the financial lives of those who for various reasons are unable to participate in the mainstream financial systems in the United States. These are people unable to have bank accounts, or get needed small business or personal loans, or have faced some crisis that started a painful downward financial spiral. Those without the ability to participate in a regular banking relationship, are all too often at the mercy of all manner of high interest, theoretically short-term loans, utilization of check cashing services, and associated bill paying services which charge additional fees of their own, which all adds up quickly, and can be devastating to low-income, and middle to low income families.

Setbacks only too easily become the last step before complete financial collapse for families already on the edge. The car that either broke down or got repossessed that was the only link between the only employed person in the house and the well paying job that required it. The emergency room visit that empties a checking account, or worse, has to be billed as it comes up at an extremely inopportune moment. Having to make a heartbreaking choice when you realize that you can either eat or pay a bill, especially when there are children involved. Wanting to be strong for everyone else, and be the stable provider that you feel like you should be, but being denied the resources needed to remain on your feet through a storm, so that you have to rely on less than palatable sources that become the anchor that finally sinks your situation.

For me, it was the discovery of payday loans. Let me start by saying that of all of the Seven Deadly Sins, I have the largest issue with Pride. I refused to let anyone know that I was having money issues, lest they think me incapable of "handling my business". Being unable to handle one's business is a cardinal sin among minorities, and will get you singled out for derision and long term condescension very quickly. Having been bullied relentlessly as a child, teen and young adult, I was willing to do just about anything to avoid being perceived as a failure for not being able to adequately care for my children and myself. With a payday loan, I could discreetly handle any shortages that came up, and there were many since, as I stated earlier, I wasn't making enough money to cover everything, and soon between the loans to cover the bills due to the loans, and my bank's love of re-ordering the transactions to create as many overdraft fees as possible, 13 years ago, I found myself in an impossible situation. I had been laid off from a long term assignment right in the middle of a dry season, I was having a hard time finding another assignment, so I decided to go to trade school to help me change careers, 9/11 happened, and before I could find another job, I got evicted. My credit was destroyed, I couldn't get another bank account for a long time, and for the next five years, my son and I alternated between living with my older sister, living with my soon to be daughter's father, a brief stint in a 3rd floor walk -up apartment that ended when the above scenario repeated itself, and, when my daughter was a little over a year old, a year spent living in a residential motel. Somewhere in the middle of all this, I finally acquired a driver's license and a car, hoping to expand my options in terms of both where I would be able to live and work. Although I had sworn off payday lending, auto repair emergencies on an overpriced car would conspire to bring me back into the very expensive fold, especially considering that I lived somewhere not readily accessible by frequent, convenient public transit.

I've talked extensively earlier about making do as a single parent: http://www.houseofperpetualdistraction.com/thoughts-feelings-impressions-blog/song-of-the-single-mother , and trying mightily to create a life for my children where, at the very least, their needs are met, and they may even get a couple of wants, here and there. What I didn't mention was the fact that I never wanted them to know when things got really bad, although they knew that we were barely making it, and could not afford things. Like most of the parents you see in the documentaries, all we want is to take care of our children to the best of our ability. We love them, we want the very best for them, and despite less than optimal circumstances, we don't want them to suffer from our mistakes and missteps. It's crazy making that even when you work a job making a decent wage, no matter how hard you try to live within your means, even allowing for a little extra, there is always something that comes up to create a wrinkle in even the best of plans. Since moving into this apartment seven years ago, I've endured two separate judgments, where substantial money was removed from my paychecks, two rounds of furloughs, a change in apartment ownership, bank shenanigans with transaction order and overdraft fees, several cars with huge mechanical issues, a voluntary car repossession for the aforementioned car that ALWAYS had something wrong with it, a car accident that I am still paying for as it was not covered by insurance, and due to trying to keep everything paid in the meantime, more payday loans. Believe it or not, for a few months a couple of years ago, with the assistance of Lexington Law Firm, my credit score had actually gone from Poor to Fair. Then I traded in a car that had a low payment, but a transmission that was on it's last legs, for a new car with a huge payment and insurance cost, but lower maintenance costs, which was crashed 9 months later. Which killed my credit, and started the payday loan cycle all over again. Like so many others, all over this country, I made a decision out of the desperation that arises when someone is trying to hold it all together for those they love, and is reduced to choosing between the lesser of two evils. It wasn't really that much lesser, however.

I opened my front door this morning to find a 3-day notice taped to my screen door, ironically dated October 1st, which means I got it one day later than the time I was supposed to be given to respond to it.

The cycle begins again...

Epilogue: Just so you know that I am not totally a lost cause, I am taking step to regain control of my financial situation. I was afraid to examine it too closely, or in too much detail, for fear of feeling completely over whelmed, but I did, and am currently beginning the process of organizing professionally brokered debt pay downs. My goal is to be as out of debt as possible by the age of 50. Hope springs eternal.