Lessons in romance. Hard won lessons that I have learned in my personal romantic relationships.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

How to reject a Narcisstist

How to reject a narcissist

There are many good ways to reject a narcissist. You may want to use this as a weapon in dealing with one as they continually wage relationship warfare. Narcissist thrive off of relationships that hey can manipulate through rejecting their partner. They reject their partner in a variety of ways. Typically the narcissist uses verbal abuse techniques such as ignoring, passive aggressive tactics, and inciting their partner, so that their partner looses that comfortable footing they often have in a relationship. In most relationships it is ok to argue and have differing opinions that your mate, keep in mind this is not the case with a narcisstic personality. A narcissist must always feel that they should be in control.

Your tools in dealing with the narcissist are similar to what they use on you. When they choose to ignore you, walk away, tell them that you will talk to them when they feel like it. To do this you are not buying into their abusive technique of controlling the conversation. You need to just walk away, go see a movie, leave, and do not engage them again until they want to talk. You can say something like, I see you do not want to talk, I respect your choice and I will talk to you when you are ready. Since you are not engaging in their dance you are in control and they will break down and talk to you again. The key is to wait it out.

When they try to engage you in an argument, of which you know the inevitable outcome will be to reject you and your opinion, is simply not to voice an opinion. Tell them you appreciate their idea, and leave it at that. Do not engage in further conversation regarding what they want to argue about. You can simple say you are probably right, and leave it at that. They are validated, and you haven't agreed with them. The key here is you using self control. Remember these people at times are nothing more than spoiled children that are about to have a tantrum do not engage.

Another technique to use, and to use sparingly is to rage, I mean RAGE. When they yell, yell more. You can not use this tactic very often, use it only in cases of emergency. Go nuts, what ever they do towards you, do it back at them. They are afraid, very afraid of being rejected in their core. When you rage this triggers this feeling. Once again, do not use often and hold back on this.

Narcissists are difficult people to be in relationships with. A narcissist may be your mate, your lover, or even your family member. Unfortunately they look like other people on the outside, but you have to remember these people are different. You can not engage in a relationship with someone who suffers from narcissism without changing your ground rules. They are unlike other people, do not use the same rules that you use with normal people. Use different ones. This will not make your relationship with the narcissist easier or even improve it, but it may make your time with that person bearable.

13 Comments:

I wrote this letter to my Ex-Spouse, Carla, using the above writing as its core baseline. The Narcassist is much like a Bi-Polar person who's been comfortable and in control for a long time.

The letter quoted below...

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Carla,

There were many ways you used to reject me. There were weapons you used in dealing with me as you continually waged relationship seperateness. You thrived off of the relationship that you could manipulate through rejecting me as your partner. You used a variety of ways to reject me with. Typically there were non-verbal abuse techniques such as ignoring, passive aggressive tactics, and inciting me, so that I lost that comfortable footing we should have had in our relationship. In most relationships it is ok to argue and have differing opinions with your mate, I kept in mind this was not the case with you personality-wise. You must always felt that you should be in control. Even when I talked to or was to be with members of the opposite sex. You were given YOUR liberty.

The one method you used to reject me was one number one that hurt me the most. And that was not being upfront and committed adultery without my permission and benouced to me beforehand.

The tools in dealing with your methods were similar to what you used on me. When you choose to ignore me, I walked away, I would then open up to you and I would talk to you when I felt like it. I did this to not buy into your abusive technique of controlling the conversation. I would simply just walk away, go to the computer, leave, and do not engage you again until you wanted to talk. With my body language I would be saying something like, 'You see I do not want to talk, I respect your choice and I will talk to you when I was ready.' Since I was not engaging in your dance you felt you were in control and would will break down and talk to me again and be open and upfront and honest. The key was to wait it out.

When you tried to engage me in an argument, of which you known the inevitable outcome will be to reject me and my opinion, is simply not to voice an opinion. I told you that I appreciated your idea, and left it at that. I did not engage in further conversation regarding what you wanted to argue about. I simply said you are probably right, and left it at that. You were validated, and I haven't agreed with you. The key here was I was using self control. I had to remember at times you were acting like a spoiled child that was about to have a tantrum to which I do not engage.

Another technique I used, and I used sparingly was to rage, I mean RAGE. When you yelled, I yelled more. I could not use this tactic very often, I used it only in cases of emergency. I would go nuts, what ever you did towards me, I did it back at you. You were afraid, very afraid of being rejected to your core. When I raged this triggered this feeling.

You was a difficult individual to be in relationship with. You were my mate, my lover, and even some my of children still to this day call you 'Mother'. Unfortunately you looked like another person on the outside, but I had to remember you were different. I can not engage further in a relationship with someone who suffers from bi-polarism without changing my ground rules. You are unlike other people, I could not use the same rules that I could use with a normal relationship. I learned now I would have to use different rules. This will not make my relationship with you any easier or even improve it, but it may make my time with you more bearable.

I just ended a relationship with a narcissist! I had no idea! The entire relationship was the rollercoaster of anger, fear, insecurity, confusion and when the ride would slow...he would press "go" and it would start all over again. I cannot count the times I would ask a simple question: "What is the matter with you?" Now that question has so much more significance.

All the while, keep in mind, I thought it was me. I thought I am not sexy enough, smart enough, pretty enough...he would tap into my deepest insecurities and reduce me all in an an effort to make himself feel better. He would tell me that he did not want to kiss me, did not want to make love to me, did not want to be romantic with me sometimes right after doing theses things. I lived in the land of confusion and at times thought I was losing my mind.

Then when I would push my narcissist away...and I would have to push hard...he would come running back. "Let's try again...", he would say.

I couldn't suggest enough to someone to leave a someone who behaves like this. Your life will get better. These people suck the live out of you. It starts slowly at first, but then their horrible energies will eventually take over your life. Run, don't walk away from these people.

The crazy part is that the breakup with my N is far more complicated than the romantic relationship ever was. He's the one who left. Then he comes back. Only to reject me all over again. I've never had a harder time to move to the friendship stage than with him.

I also left a man who was narcissistic and I can't be more thankful to let a person like that go!!!! The fact of him being more consumed with himself than our relationship, or anything I might be interested in for that matter makes me sick! So what happened after I ended it and continue ignoring him? You guessed it, it's killing him... Softly and slowly! It didn't take long for me to TAKE MYSELF BACK! It's not worth losing yourself my friends.

I also left a man who was narcissistic and I can't be more thankful to let a person like that go!!!! The fact of him being more consumed with himself than our relationship, or anything I might be interested in for that matter makes me sick! So what happened after I ended it and continue ignoring him? You guessed it, it's killing him... Softly and slowly! It didn't take long for me to TAKE MYSELF BACK! It's not worth losing yourself my friends.

The way I finally found peace andy life back was slowly disengaging from him. They are like an addiction and when I tried cold turkey, like any addiction, it was hell. So I viewed him like an addiction which I had to quit slowly. The longer periods between our break ups seemed less crippling for me. During our break ups i educated myself on narcissism and for my self esteem I committed to hypnotherapy which actually started to work. I was desperate after 6 years of abuse. I finally became strong enough to realize the only way to rid him of my life once and for good was to play him do that he thought he was doing the devaluing. But he did not realize that I had already became strong enough that I had already devalued him and was trying techniques to rid him of my life. I still do my hypnotherapy to better my life and I am looking forward to a life I deserve full of respect, love, understanding, and equality with a partner. It was a long haul and one I don't wish on anyone. When I think of him now I have no anger. I have forgiven which by the way is for you and not the narcissist. It sets you free! I feel sorry for him but he is not my problem! I have to take care of myself and continue my love affair with myself! What a relief!!! I actually giggle now when I think of his antics! They are actually quite funny to you once the fog lifts! Peace and love to everyone struggling! You are strong and can do it...it isn't about you... They will continue to do it to the next victim until one day they have no one!

almost 2 yrs off and on with a narciissist! the jealousy,always being accused, making me feel bad about myself so so much more! and inbetween the breakups, there was another women he was off and on with for 6 yrs, it was like a 3 ring circus, she would dump him, he would come back to me.. cycle for 2 yrs... i have to fight it if i ever want my life again, we are off now, i hope for good, he was really mean this time.. ugggg

Hello, 14 months of mostly hell... at first I was a king to her, she slowly wanted to control every move I made.. she made my friends and cousins uncomfortable.. I didny realize I was involved with a N. Her mind would flip dramaticaly,, I still love her, but know that she will never change, she told so.... thers nothing you can do to help them, I think loving them makes matters worse... throughout our relationship she would degrade and emotionally abuse me showing no remorse whatsoever.. it will always hurt and I will never completely understand her, I wish her peace... I'm still in the stage of hoping for an apology or something like it, but she's has too much pride and is never wrong... she broke up with me because she went thru my wallet and found a stupid card that belongs to my hair stylists whom I would never even consider. Its very difficult, but I must move on...

I was with a narcisist for 5years. I left him for the next 5years and was with someone as bad or worse. I have been with him again for the last 2 years. We have children so I can never be completey rid of him.

After the first 5years I left him because I thought he would be better off without me. That he deserved better and would be happier with some one else. I thought it was as simple as he didn't love me and if he met some one he loved he would be happy and ok. The longest any of his other relationships have lasted is 6months. No one can put up with him.

I had therapy in that 5 year break and in an attempt to find out what was wrong with me I stumbled across narcisism. At first I thought I was a narcisist as I realised my father is one I thought maybe I was one too, that was depressing. I am back reading about narcisism again as over these two years I realised it wasn't me for all those years, I realised that the man I loved is a narcisist.

I think I am an addict. I am in counselling due to the other damaging relationship, which I have come to terms with and I delt with my father issues in therapy ( I only see him when I am up to it and when I have to because that is the only way I feel).

So I am an addict and I am trying to find ways out. Therapy and i am considering some antidepressents in the short term to get me past the initial with drawal.

This post on how to deal with them is good. I have found it useful (although clearly self harmful) to hide any feelings of love or compassion for the narcisist, they view it as a weakness and with disdain anyway. They are expecting you to be as they are and if you show them anything else they will view you as inferior and exploit you. The best thing to do is to get away from them who ever they are. One sure thing that repulses the guy I am seemingly stuck with is to be weak and needy - to say I love you, you hurt me, I miss you and to be genuinely on your knees makes him head for the hills - he thinks he is hurting me just by his absence but his absence is a relief. When I want rid of him I send begging texts as a sure fire way to accidentally get him back is to get on with my life. When I do this he stalks me and breaks into my house. I also keep most of my friends secret after I lost so many. I visit them when he is busy with something or someone else. I pray that he will meet someone else who suits him better than me and I pray that I can somehow become completey repulsive to him and too much hard work. I have never had a healthy relationship and this guy is the hardest by far to get rid of. No matter what he comes back.

Last time I left him I was pregnant and he thought I was back with the guy before him (I wasn't) who was an armed robber, drug dealer and basically a sociopath I believe from stuff I read - I think they frightened each other off, they both thought I was with the other one while I was quite happy all alone - till I met the third guy who played at being normal for nearly 3 years then after I married him showed his true colours.My life is a mess and as I write this out I wonder how I am still here. I thank the internet for its wealth of information, coping ideas and seeing that others also fall prey to these types of people.

I have probably written far too much for this to be posted but writing it out has helped all the same. I wish you all genuine love and luck.