"Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better." — R.W. Emerson

Tag Archives: death

Thinking back over this past year there have been many lessons learned through the process of grieving. It is a strange thing, grief. Most days I have not consciously felt that I was grieving, and then one day it reaches out to gently remind me that the heaviness is still there. Or my massage therapist comments on how incredibly messed up my muscles are and then reminds me that we sometime store our grief in our bodies. Am thankful that it seems to be less and less raw, less palpable, over time it has moved from being a smack upside the head to a somewhat gentle nudge that (still) stops me in my tracks.

There are now two distinct phases in life: The time when mom was with us, and the time after mom died. I think we all try not to categorize life according to death but in our minds we inevitably, yet silently, think ‘oh right that was just after/before mom died…’. From what I understand that frame of reference will stand forever.

I thought I would share a list of things that have surprised me about grief.

How inexplicably tired you feel when grieving, particularly in the first few months. You try so hard not to think about the loss, but you somehow cannot stop. And then when you do stop you feel numb, and guilty for not thinking about it.

How it pretty much takes up all available real estate in your mind. Seriously. In my experience I feel that I lost about two months of conscious thought – can’t remember much from the funeral onwards. After the two month mark the haze began to lift.

The numbness. It is a weird sensation – you know you should be feeling something at any given moment but you are just numb. Child’s birthday party? Happy, right? Nope. Dance recital, happy times? Nope. You try really hard but it just does not register on the emotion meter.

Exaggerated emotional experiences. Oi. Someone made the mistake of reminding me of the tumultuous end of a relationship. BIG mistake. Anger like I have never felt before – about two months worth. On the upside, it gave me something else to do beside be numb and sad. Was thankful that I was feeling something.

People have very different reactions to your grief. Some seem to assume that once the funeral is over and you have returned to ‘life’ that all is well, grieving is done. NOT. And then there are those who have never experienced loss and just look at you with this pitiful look (and then my own reaction in my head, OMG I used to do that to people too..). In that awkward moment you want to get mad at that person – but I think its important to remember that in a few months you will realize that they really did mean well, they just didn’t know what to say.

It sneaks up on you. As time passes you begin to feel more and more normal, and then something/someone reminds you of the person you lost. And you implode. Perhaps a small implosion, perhaps large. For me the big implosions happen in places where mom made the biggest contributions, or with people who meant a lot to her. Mind you it also happens when I watch the Food Network – it was something we did together when she was in the nursing home and long-term care. Depends on the day and the moment.

Not everybody will know that you lost someone close to you and at some point they will ask you ‘How is your mom/loved one doing?’. My estimation is that this will happen more than once over the years to come, and to most people who have experienced loss. The first time it happens you are completely shocked, and the only thing you can say is ‘It’s ok, you didn’t know’ and mean it. Again, it is not on purpose or personal.

At some point I realized that I compartmentalize it. I live about four hours away from my parents home, so it is easy to separate myself from the grief. But, when I go home to visit there it is, awaiting my arrival with wide-open arms. Compartmentalizing isn’t always bad – it can actually be a good tool to cope with the grief and get on with living life. I think the key is to remember where you put your grief so you can prepare yourself for it and face it, and to also revisit it once in awhile.

Facing it is good. Hard, but good in the long run. Facing the loss and the pain is important – and perhaps it helps you to feel the parallel of the fullness and joy of life a little easier. Reaching out to friends or a counselor can facilitate the release of it all when needed – and sometimes when you least expect it. Letting loved ones in your life know that you are hurting – really important (and hard to do sometimes).

The big lesson in grief (for me) sounds so trite. Live each day as if it were your last. Live with appreciation for the people who love you and whom you love. Have gratitude for all the good in life, in the world. Will your life then have no pain, no sadness or struggle? No. But you will be better prepared to deal with it when it comes your way.

When grief gives me a nudge I will let it stop me in my tracks for a moment – because that moment probably is accompanied by a memory.

For those who have followed this blog you have read various posts relating to many cherished family memories, as well as some challenging family moments. On April 24, 2013, my mom passed away. The writer in me has been struggling to find the words – and trying not to post my grief on Facebook (too much).

They say that grief is a process. It has stages. I am sure that many have written books and journals on the process, analyzing it down to what may be believed to be a precise process. What I know to be true is that grief does not form itself into a specific, set-in-stone pattern. The loss of my mother has knocked me sideways, upside down, thrown me down, and picked me back up, only to go through it all again.

For me, right now, the key is allowing the emotions to come to the surface. Acknowledging the sadness, the loss, as well as the good memories that arise as you move through it all is an opportunity to let go of the pain. Note: ‘…to let go of the pain (not the person).’

So here we go…

Our childhood was steeped in the Lutheran community of our hometown in Minnesota. We lived a half a block away from the church and both of our parents were involved in many aspects – from Sunday school to vacation bible school, pancake breakfasts to Lenten suppers, ushering at services to bible studies and altar guild. Like making a perfect pot of tea we were soaked in it like precious tea leaves.

Despite all of that – once I left home (and even before) religion seemed like a lot of pomp and circumstance and not much substance. Admittedly, I leaned quite far away from my faith for many, many years. Heck, I even married (& divorced) a ‘self-professed Atheist’ for heaven’s sake!

And then, after all mom had been through since the cardiac arrest – she was diagnosed with Stage IV Liver Cancer with approximately 4 months to live. She received the news on Good Friday of all days. Shortly thereafter mom began receiving a drug treatment to extend her life a bit longer, then Dad called to tell us she was in the hospital again. Without asking, his voice was enough to urge us home.

Doctor G. told us that he didn’t recommend another treatment.

Pastors prayed with us.

And mom asked, “Is this a test? Is God testing me?”

As I heard her ask the question I realized that this truly was not a test of her deep and abiding faith. What I saw in action was that God was with her as she moved through this painful ending.

Life unfolds according to our choices, and God walks through all of it with us – if we let him.

In hindsight, it came together quite logically. Family and her dear friends gathered by her side. The Nurses listened and worked to ease her pain. The pastors from the church visited, prayed and offered support. Her grandson arranged a Skype chat with her son who was overseas. The son (J) who visited rarely called to say he was on the way. We were all certain Mom’s eternal Hope would prevail.

And as much as mom always wrapped her children in absolute, unconditional love – God did the same for her.

Mom and Dad had a great visit with J. when he arrived. All of her children had visited in person or by Skype. That evening God wrapped her in his love and took her home.

At the funeral Pastor D quoted John 3:16, ‘For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son. That whomever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.’ It was the one scripture I memorized as a child, only now does its true meaning reveal itself. I feel that if my parents had not instilled their Faith in us when we were children, that today my heart would be eternally broken.

Through this faith I know, and believe, that mom lives on enjoying gardens that she had never imagined would ever exist, and that the skies have one more bright, shining star watching over us. Perhaps most importantly, I know that she is with me (& our family) everyday.