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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Why Mother Nature Can Suck It

I grew up in a rural area,
spending much of my childhood outside. We'd sled ride and build snowmen
in the winter, ride bikes and swim in the summer, and walk through the woods
almost any season at all.

When I look back at my childhood, most
memories of playing outdoors were laced with a minor fear that I could die at
any moment.

I'm no outdoorswoman. Ask
anyone who knows me: I'd rather be indoors.
Sitting around a fire pit – the pits. It's so stinky – it’s a
constant dance to avoid being blasted with smoke. Wind is always annoying, and temperatures are
always, frustratingly, fluctuating.
Unless it’s 90 or 20, there’s no way to dress appropriately. An
inconvenient rainstorm can ruin an afternoon spent at the salon.

Outside, there are bugs which bite
and sting and around every corner is a plant out to prick you or give you a
rash. Small animals lurk in the grass just to jump out and give you a
heart attack when you casually pass by. Deer plow into your car when you
drive down the road. It’s always a
thousand dollars to repair the damage.

Camping – sleeping outside, in the
open, without locks and windows and doors and running water – is out of the question. Have you seen Deliverance? Hiking always, ALWAYS leads to getting lost. I once heard of someone taking some kids on a
hike and he stopped to check the map – steps before a steep
drop-off. Wow, where do I sign up for
THAT? It sounds like so much fun.

Nature is just so unpredictable,
and I can't get with it, and just in case I haven’t explained enough, here are
some other reasons why:

Because of tornadoes. Land
of Oz, really.

Floods that ruin everything, and
that no one can buy insurance for.

Forest fires. Nothing can
stop a wall of fire. Have you seen the helicopters carrying huge bags of
water to dump over the flames? The forest fires are all, "that's so
cute."

Hurricanes that destroy everything
and frankly, are insensitively named.

Tsunamis, which are sneaky even
though we can see them coming from miles away. Oh look, the ocean just went
out five miles. Oops, now it's wiped out my whole town.

Mudslides. Not the tasty
kind.

Earthquakes. Seriously, what
is THAT about? The earth is spinning at a bajillion miles an hour, and it finds
time to split apart? What, hasn't it heard of centrifugal force?
You know, that force that prevents you from lifting your arm up on one of
those spinny rides at the amusement park?

Volcanoes. Hot lava, people.
It burns!

Underground volcanoes. Did you know that Yellowstone National Park
is sitting on one that, if erupted, would ruin our ability to mass produce
food, and change our climate patterns for years? Plus, the ground is
famously thin in that area. One misstep
and you will find yourself in the center of the earth, and Brendan Fraser is
most certainly NOT there.

Bears. They will scalp you if
you get between them and their babies, or a half a sandwich that some fool left
out at a campsite.

Tigers. I've seen a tiger
pace along a chainlink fence while hungrily staring at my toddler who was
strapped into a stroller. Terrifying.
And let's never forget Siegfried and Roy, specifically Roy.

Gorillas, baboons, and chimps.
Not our cousins, people. These are wild animals with fangs and huge
muscles that will crush you before ripping your face off.
Plus, they will throw their poop at you if you get too close. What a bunch of bullies.

Sharks. Not cool, man.

Bees and wasps and hornets.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, pollination and all of that. Get stung by one and
you want to cut your arm off to stop the pain.

Mosquitoes. Biggest jerks of summer.

Poison ivy, poison sumac, poison
oak. The only effective remedy against these is a steroid. Which, if you’re lucky, only makes you stay
up all night and want to punch everyone.

Cactuses. Okay, cacti. All bad news.
Some jump out at you. Oh, look at
this cactus. It’s so unusual. Oh, look, now I have a zillion prickers in my
skin.

There are more reasons, but that’s the short list of why
Nature just isn’t my bag. May I point out that none of these
things occur naturally indoors? NONE. I will agree, Mother Nature is
beautiful, but that is what windows are for - to see out, from the comfort of inside.

While I enjoy camping and hiking, I really don't like insects. Mosquitoes eat me alive, and I'm afraid of bees, despite the fact that I've never been stung.

For a while I was taking indoor rock climbing lessons. Someone invited me to go outdoor climbing, and I shuddered at the thought of there being all that dirt and the possibility of encountering critters.

I am a mosquito magnet! I have done things like hike, climb a mountain (well, only to base one and it took hours, I nearly died), white water rafting. But I'm far from an outdoorsy type. My husband suggests camping just to see my horrified expression.

UNDERground volcanoes? Like it's not enough we have to worry about those above ground? And you forgot lions. What I hate about nature are those tiny bacteria that you can't even see but that can crawl into your brain from some horrible water source and turn your brain to liquid. Yuck. What the heck is up with that?

I know, lions, jeez. I was going to write something about them but somehow I feel like they're less vicious than bears, chimps, and tigers, who really just only want to eat us.

And yes. UNDERGROUND VOLCANOES. When we visited Yellowstone our tour guide told us that the one under the surface there would wipe out something like 40% of the whole world if it erupted, but it turns out it wouldn't. It would just destroy most of the United States.

Came over from Mama Kat's -- you read my mind on this one. But don't tell my Bear-Grylls-wannabe better half ;).

Seriously -- "Deer plow into your car when you drive down the road." This happened to me on an exit ramp in the middle of Iowa. I didn't hit the deer; it hit ME. And loped off into the night. Fortunately, insurance doesn't raise your premiums if you "maintain control of your vehicle" (i.e., don't swerve and accidentally roll your car over in a ditch in the process of trying to AVOID that sneaky antlered menace). I suppose I should be grateful for that.

The thing I never understand is why people choose to live in these natural disaster areas. Like who would choose to live right under a working volcano, or somewhere that is known to have earthquakes like all the time?! It's like you really must want to die and lose your belongings.