self exploration

Yeah hi. Hi! I kinda stopped updating there for a while.. exactly a month. I guess I lost track of the point behind me doing this… keeping this blog. I was thinking.. why post my mundanity on the Internet, really? There are a buncha reasons not to. I really do appreciate having these nicely filed away textual memories (and what’s up with that, anyway? Why, why all the recording and cataloging? What’s wrong with simply living and remembering the truly memorable? Huh?), but it makes more sense to just keep them to myself, if I’m so sure they will be so very horribly dull to anyone else.

But there it is.. I know, deep inside me (…), that my mundanities are the most thrilling things anyone will ever read. I can’t just take that away from them. I’m not that cruel.

Anyway I just made unpuppet.com live. So now someone could really read this. I’m not sure what I’ll do. I’m cool with people reading it.. although I am a bit wary about the stuff I wrote 2003-2005.. I would read over it to ensure it isn’t too weird or personal but there’s just so much of it!

So, whatever. Maybe I’ll just make it not the very front page or something. Eventually. Till then, hi world.

I surround myself with people amazing in the hopes it is contagiously catching. I think it is; they talk to me of fascinating things, and so I learn, and ponder. They recommend me wonderful books, and topics, and things to watch and hear and absorb, and so my mind expands and implodes.

It is really everso thrilling and I am so grateful I am so lucky to know such people. A drawback, however, is that I often feel dull by comparison. Stunningly simple and boorishly boring. It is something I’ve struggled with for a while…

My New Year’s Eve was fabulous. I arrived home from Cairns, Felon in tow, and installed her in the bedroom where she seems happier than she ever has. She miows, she purrs, she kneads. I am so pleased she is so settled, after all the stress and anger (Sarah had not wanted me to take her, citing feline anxiety disorders, human selfishness, blatant animal cruelty, threatening everlasting hatred, etc).

We invited several friends over to celebrate, ate ‘nacho lasagne’ went to another friend’s party for a while, watched fireworks, came home, walked to the river… then the remaining four of us sat about chatting till the sun was up. So very lovely. I slept till 3pm and am recovering still…

I just watched Pandaemonium with mumm; I’d burned & sent it to her ages ago when she was studying the Romantic poets and she still hadn’t seen it. I love it because I love Kubla Khan… (and hate Wordsworth). Watching it this time the drug-taking stood out much more to me. That there is no doubt.. STC wouldn’t have written his most fantastical works without opium. I feel uneasy about this.

I’m not sure why… the writing isn’t any less real, or his. He was clearly already genius. Envy? Surely not… The damage was clearly shown, moreso than the rewards. But I’ve never been able to create anything while under the influence of anything. I’ve written one poem whilst on mushrooms, and it was just silly and hilarious more than anything.

Words come together while the mind comes apart. I don’t need drugs for that.

I’m getting really behind on obligatory adult-like activities, like doing laundry & paying bills & making appointments etc, because full time worklife still hasn’t quite sunk in. er, what I’m trying to say is I’m a silly child. I’ve been trying to keep up my all-play-time weekends, conveniently forgetting that I no longer have Mondays as a buffer.

I seem to have thunk I could just sacrifice the housework and bills and appointments, rather than the fun. oh 🙁 what do I do? I caaaaan’t give up fun!

I’m stressed out and tired and don’t like this. Not sure what to do. My first (immediate, ever constant) thought is to go back to working four days, but there are so many problems with that. My counter thought is to give it longer, attempt more balance, be dutiful, responsible, patient…

As part of my internship I need to have a senior professional of the field directly observe me provide therapeutic interventions for a number of issues. I’ve been procrastinating with this requirement the whole 18months till now because… well because I’m sure that as soon as someone who actually knows what they’re doing sees me working directly they’ll know exactly how incompetent I am (imposter syndrome, anyone? Oh, right.. everyone).

Also because it’s a hassle to arrange… to ask permission from work managers, to explain it to a client and obtain their consent, to book recording equipment, to actually do it…

Well I’ve only five months of my internship left to go, so I thought it was about time to think about it. I asked permission at work, arranged it with my supervisor, and finally.. outlined it all to one of my clients, who seemed absolutely fine with it, and gave consent. I booked the recording equipment, set up the room, planned the session, got the supplies ready (it was going to be a symbolic and art therapy session)… and! The client was due half an hour ago.

Shit. Shit. I’m sitting here with the camera trained on me. I had to run around to buy the outdated videocassettes it uses. It took me a half hour to set this room up. I brought everything I needed in from home. AND THE CLIENT DIDN’T SHOW.

Of course, it’s hardly a coincidence. This client has never not shown for a session before (and we’ve had 10 sessions). This is exactly why I wasn’t looking forward to asking a client to do this. Who would want to have their counselling session recorded and watched by and discussed with an anonymous third party? Argh.

Now I need to find someone else to ask. Three someone elses. And due to all these stupid work changes, I’m barely SEEING three clients at the moment.

This is a good thing, my colleague would say. It is, because:

in preparing for this session I did catch up on my symbolwork literature.

I now know to rethink how I frame this experience to clients, and be sure to triplecheck and quadruple-clarify everything with them.

I also planned this session a lot more carefully than I usually do, which was a good experience.. I should do that more.

Except (and all counsellors say this) it really does seem that it’s always when you carefully plan for a session that the client doesn’t show! …Wow, I am really bad at finding silver linings. Every silver lining has yet another, blacker and more poisonous lining!

I think the worst part is… I got all excited about it! That slight performance anxiety that is actually more exhilarating than anything else. And now I am disappoint 🙁

I can’t believe it’s only Monday. I really do not like this five day work week business. It doesn’t suit my constitution.

Today was much longer than usual, though, as I had supervision directly after work. I arrived there elated, and of course when I said so, had to explain why. The summer evening was very lovely.. it had been really very horribly hot today, but by skypink 6pm was lovely and cool, bright and dark, summery and sweet. I listened to classical music on the way over. And as I was leaving work, my new manager stopped me to give me some feedback that was all so lovely and positive.

He, along with a couple other people that I work with, are social geniuses. Their motivation is that they care.. but what stops me is that they are so genuine.

I need to practice being genuine. It is a quality I find so wonderful, and aspire to so much. I have ever since I started studying people and their brainz, but it has just kept growing on me. I need to be so in all ways, all days.

Jason went out last night without me, while I went to bed early. Actually yesterday was really a bed day; was mostly on the couch watching Sailor Moon, eating chocolate, feeling awful.. despite my quiet night last night. But I woke this morning feeling much better! Maybe I did catch something.

Had breakfast with Storm and a couple her friends at Kaliber, then went back to our place to watch…! They wouldn’t let me watch Sailor Moon. We Watched Planet Earth and Phenomenon.

Chelle visited for a little bit. I think I am forgetting what it is like to be friends with her. It makes me very sad to think about, so I don’t think about it, because when I forget about it I feel like nothing is missing.

A client could’ve said that to me. Avoidant behaviour! I would screech at the top of my lungs, finger accusingly pointed, unwavering in its condemnation.

I had my haircutt! I had to sneak out work early because I mistakenly thought I’d be at my 2nd job in the Valley… I’m getting used to which days I’m working at which of three locations. I went to my old salon but had a new hairdresser who was pretty cute and young. I told her exactly what I wanted (short plz, like an inch, on the left and back, keep all my length on the right, and a fringe to blend it across) and she did it, exactly as I wanted it, and I like it a lot.

Besides that… it’s Fryday, mmmyep. A new thoughtful regime of self care means I have been trying to go to bed by 10 of a weeknight, and mostly succeeding. I think it’s working, I’ve been feeling fine.

Another aspect of my self care plan is not having such enormous weekends, of course, now I’ve no longer an extra recovery day. I think if I do have a big night it should be on a Friday… but that I still shouldn’t be having as big nights as I’ve been wont these past couple years.

This is what I was thinking when my Friday evening rolled around, and the reason I hadn’t made any plans for this weekend. However, plans found me… of course. Kristy called us up to invite us to dinner in the Valley with herself and her friend, then Marie called up to see what we were doing, so met us there. I invited Adam to come down and join us, since he lives right there anyway.

I had 2 white russians before we left home. We ate pizza and drank a bottle of wine at Mellino’s (1.5 glasses, plus 1.2 shots of vodka), then went to the Fringe bar where they had $4 pints! I didn’t get any drinks but I think all up probably drank about 1.5 of other people’s beers. After Fringe we went to Adam’s place, mainly because… hot tub! The five of us jumped in, sans swimwear. Except the pool and hot tub are kinda off limits after 10pm, and by then it was around 1am. So an angry landlord came to kick us out. Kristy arguing with him nakedly didn’t seem to help.

Kristy, Marie, Jason & I wetly caught a taxi back to our place, dropping me off on the way to get supplies. The clerk at the Night Owl accused me of shoplifting (I took a long time down the back of the store trying to decide between cream soda & raspberry), then offered me a free slurpee when it was obvious I hadn’t. And of course, the bottle-o was closed (duh, 1:30am) so no more alcomahols for us. We all fell asleep soon after anyway.

Friday woooooooooooooew! I’ve realised the past several weeks that I am conditioned to feel like a drink or two (or six) on a Friday evening. On the way home I just really start feeling like having a drink, just because it’s Friday.

Today being no exception, I had a few drinx while working on rebuilding my personal website. At around 9pmish we went to our friend Honi’s Wonderland partie in Camp Hill. Jason was sober and drove, and I drank a happy tea once we arrived (Wonderland themed partie being an ideal environment).

Dressed as a cat pink&black (Jason didn’t dressup, spoilsport), I chatted with a few new people (some very interesting ones) and had an okay time, but eventually began feeling a bit weird so asked Jason to go home. I grinned all the way home and lay awake all night listening to the sounds coming from inside my head, like when I swallowed or ground my teeth.

There could be a TED talk on how, when we are absolutely certain a noise means no danger, like when it is coming from within our own heads, we just don’t hear it. It doesn’t even register. I heard quite a few strange within-head-noises that were completely unfamiliar to me, so.

I managed to postpone informing HR that I wouldn’t be taking the job for a good three days (really, I am the worst), and when I finally worked up the nerve, it was only to send them an email. “As such it really disappoints me to say that I’m going to have to decline the position. I’m so sorry to have put you through this rigmarole for nothing…” etc etc.

Since sending it they’ve tried to call me two or three times, and have sent a reply email asking me to call them back. Queue longly drawn out, pained and echoing sighs, oh me. So surely I will call them tomorrow, and remain sternly resolute against the pleading and cajoling that is sure to rain upon me. haha.

Besides that today wasn’t bad. I arranged with my boss to move to another branch two days a week starting in two week’s time, meaning.. no more phone work after two weeks! hooray hooray, forever hooray!

Came home, watched an episode of True Blood, then Jason began administering the WAIS-IV to me while we filmed it for his competency (he has to be observed). My score won’t be totally valid, as I have done training in administering it as well… however I maintain that it will still be mostly valid, as in our training we only went through the first two or so items of each subtest, and I didn’t even get to administer every subtest myself (meaning I never saw the answers or scoring). As the first few items of each subtest are so simple everyone gets them anyway, I’m sure my score won’t really be affected. Really. Nineteen blankets minus five blankets minus six blankets or whatever.

Well, I hope not, anyway, as I do want to know what my IQ is. And since doing the first half tonight, I’m even more sure because it wasn’t really anything like I thought it would be.. actually answering the items. It gets so difficult. Especially arithmetic. Bleh. I am so embarrassingly bad at math. I count on my fingers, even.

ee! I love my mumm to several deaths & am very glad she won’t be spending Easter alone. but I hate it up here & wanna go home home home. it feels Cairns shouldn’t exist anymore but in my memory, so when i’m here I feel.. like I did back then. like i’m back then. lost & helpless & miserable & crazy.

so i’m trying to fill up my every second making things & reading & spending heaps of money. presently i’m Very close to buying a $2300 notebook, since Bronwyn still has my laptop despite having quit uni.. I should see her while i’m up here, & my highschool friends, though I ignore them so often they probably hate me by now..

dreamt: Buddha’s face was ripped to bleeding shredds, so I sewed it up with silver thread and stuck a daisy in his eyesocket.

2:20am: I think I am very easily influenced! and only just noticed it today! is it a character flaw? I tend to adopt the opinions and ideals and temperaments and hopes and idiosyncrasies of those who remain around me for long periods of time. not entirely or blatantly, which is why i’ve never noticed it, but to varying degrees and somehow working it into my own.. personality. it’s like I absorb those close to me.

just read an article in which suicide is referred to as “the ultimate act of self control.” my eyebrows disappeared into my hairline.

every day i’m 10x the person I was. life is a collection of experiences. throughout it breathing grows harder and harder, so we almost wish it was over just so we didn’t have to keep guessing. ladybugs are the greatest invention ever.

What is this mess

O hey, hi my darling. I'm overocea & this is my journal. I've vowed to note my everyday inconsequence indefinitely, so that I can read it when i'm 80. I expect it to be hideously boring to anyone except an 80year old me.