"You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you
were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck.
Just tell us everything you remember."

"Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But
on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we
both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt
had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk.
I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was
her Spaulding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear. "That
was the last thing I remember.

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who
should he see, but his
old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.
Chris
looked so down and
dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
"Say,
Chris, how ya
doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"
If Chris had
looked sad before, at
the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came
to his eye.
"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't
sell a tractor these days
to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and
soon, or else I'll lose that
dealership for good."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you
got it bad, I got it
worse. Now you listen to this...."
"I went out to the barn the other
morning to milk
Bessy.
That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by.
Anyway, no
sooner did I sit
down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a
slappin' me with her tail.
After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over
the rafters, and tied ol'
Bessy's tail to the rafters.
Then I got back to work." "I didn't even
get two squirts into the
bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool!
Boy,
did that upset
me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the
side of the milking stall,
and get a started trying to milk her again."
"Well by this time,
Bessy's about livid, and she
doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other
hind leg.
I wasn't about
to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and
tied up Bessy's left leg
to the other side of the stall."
Just then John paused to take a sip
his beer.
Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John,
"Well, did you finally
get to milk her?"
"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what...
If you can convince my
wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from
ya....!

A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees on his right side. He
slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He gets
another ball and continues playing. About 15 minutes later a highway
patrolman approaches him.

"This your ball?" asks the policeman.

"Yes, I think it is."

"Well," says the officer, "it went over the trees and through the window
of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A bus was
driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit
a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors."

Two women
had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You
know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her
friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re
thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda. “Oh, we could never
do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go,
will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So
how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked. “Things couldn’t
be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and
afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to
stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and
a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the
grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina,
John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his
penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better
than it’s ever been!”

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment
with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the
doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is
nothing I can do for you,” he said. “But doctor,” Mary complained, “you
did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for
us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”
“Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop
at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an
evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and will turn back
into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and
forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing
and saying, "I don't think so."

Betty, a 28-year-old blonde, fulfilled
her dream of owning a boat when she purchased one in the summer. So, one
afternoon, she was all set to try out her brand new motorboat. But
there was a problem - the motorboat would barely perform. She tried
everything, checked the mechanisms again, but the boat failed to
function properly.

She
tried again the next day and the day after that, but the motorboat would
only splutter and strain but not pick up speed. She saw some fishermen
and thought of asking them for help. She hoped that they would help
identify the problem.

A
fisherman inspected the boat and confirmed that the engine
and out drive seemed to be in order. Fisherman then jumped into the water to
check underneath the boat for any problems. What he saw made him laugh
so hard, he came up choking and gasping for air. When the other
fishermen asked him what was so funny, he replied, "The trailer is still
attached to the boat!"

Ted was looking for a parking place in a shopping arcade. After driving
up and down several lanes, he finally found a parking spot. He noticed
another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was
closer, Ted gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His
responding gestures were very puzzling. First he shook his head. Next
he pointed at Ted, then at the parking space and then at himself, his
watch and the arcade. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward
and shrugged. Once Ted parked, he walked over to the driver to make
sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," the driver replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten
track. All of a sudden, the game warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running
through the woods like a bat out of a cave. The game warden was hot on
his
heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his
hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the game warden finally
caught up
to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy!" the warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the game warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box
of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

The doctor asked, "Is there any particular problem that you want to talk about?"

"Yes,
I have noticed lately that even if I get a small cut, it seems to bleed
for a very long time and the clotting is delayed," she replied. "Is
there any chance that I have hemophilia?"

"Hmm," the doctor said, "Hemophilia is an inheritable disease, normally affecting only males but it is possible for women to transmit it to their male children. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"

Suzie started making some mental calculations and replied, "About $1000 on an average."

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." So the boy
went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married.
But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the
chicken again.

On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."
"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."
"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."
"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.

1-
Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the
road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her
daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheelchair was hit by the
truck delivering her birthday cake.

2- Peter Stone, 42 years old,
is murdered by his eight-year-old daughter, whom he had just sent to
her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't
have dinner, no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison
tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took
one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended
sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until
she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

3-
David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he
attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a
double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given
it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

4-
Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to
pay his rent for eight years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the
victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it
had been since Mr Halos had paid his rent.

5- Megan Fry, 44 years
old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live
firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly
down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled
"Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots
between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a
very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

6-
Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because
she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death
with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken
aerial.

7- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear
scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair
with the neighbour. Over a period of three months, Harold substituted
Helena's eye shadow with a uranium composite that was highly
radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she
suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts,
blindness, extreme nausea and even had an earlobe drop off, the victim
never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check-up.

8-
Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two-timing wife by loading
her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus
she was driving was filled with 750kgs of explosive, forming a force
twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by
several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or
the victim were ever found, only a 55-metre deep crater, and 500 metres
of missing road.

9- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her
neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt
Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He
would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his
property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's
officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was
served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this,
he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the
whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the
position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it,
hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and
forever burning her outline into the driveway.

10- Michael Lewis,
angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With a Vengeance
as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost
catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board
that read Death to all N*ggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK on
the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped
him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family.
A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll on deodorant, or hair spray.
A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
A cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt.
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him.
A cucumber will never leave you for another cucumber.
A cucumber will never leave you for another man.
A cucumber will never leave you for another woman.
A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator..
A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde.
A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
A cucumber won't want to c*m on your face.
Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
Cucumbers won't ask am I the best?
Cucumbers won't ask did you come? How many times?
Cucumbers won't ask how was it?
Cucumbers won't give you a hickey.
Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with your boots on.
Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him.
Cucumbers won't write ! your name and number on the men's room wall.
No matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too.
No matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
The average cucumber is at least seven inches long.
With a cucumber you can get a single room and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber.
With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
You always know where YOUR cucumber has been.
You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
You won't find out later that your cucumber is married.
You won't find out later that your cucumber is on penicillin or have AIDS.
You won't find out later that your cucumber likes you, but loves your brother
You won't find out that a cucumber is married.
You won't find out that a cucumber is trying to screw your sister.
Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, "it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical ba$tards."

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served
them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
Announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if
you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the
main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bi***."

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the
farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful
daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I
wanted."

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

A cub reporter
for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He
submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in
a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with
lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We
don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write
something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the
Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident
today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( .
)( . ) "

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But. what happened to your other ear?"
"That Idiot called back."