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Sunday, September 22, 2013

10 Terrible Things I Learned from Insomnia

Although I haven't yet knocked down the pseudo-death that is turning 40, my body apparently has aged in dog years. As a result, I often have to get up in the middle of the night for an assortment of reasons (e.g., to pee, scream in agony, or change the sheets). As a result, I spend a good amount of time in the living room aimlessly flipping channels until the family wakes up and I have someone to play with. During these sleepless nights I've learned some terrible, terrible things about myself, my neighborhood, and the strange and terrifying world around me. Like these:

10. After 2am, there is a lot of porn on TV. A lot. And not just where you'd expect it like HBO and Skinemax. I'm talking History Channel, Discovery. Hell, even Animal Planet gets in on the act.

How hot is that?

9. My next door neighbor who obsessively walks his dogs every hour apparently doesn't sleep. He either owns hounds with the tiniest bladder alive or he's serving some kind of cosmic-penance which can only be repaid by picking up fist-sized chunks of poop.

8. My wife giggles in her sleep. I thought it was adorable at first, but now I'm beginning to think she's laughing at me.

7. Sounds are amplified at night. Things like walking down the stairs or opening a door reach decibels only matched by sticking your ear against a Sonic jet engine.

Granted, I could be a little more gentle.

6. I kick the shit out of video games in the middle of the night. Stuck on a level of Candy Crush? One bought of insomnia is enough to propel me 12 levels forward. If only I could somehow harness this power for good.

5. Our yard turns into Animal Kingdom at night. Deers. Raccoons. Rabbits. Even a strange bi-pedal hairless creature who likes to press his junk against our window. This may or may not be our weird neighbor with the dog-walking fetish.

4. Facebook posts do not stop. Even accounting for time zone differences, I am clearly not the only person I know who's awake at ridiculous hours. But probably the one who's up because he's waiting for the sheets to dry.

The, uh, dog did it.

3. Paranoia sets in. I don't recognize that car out front. And he's been parked there for an awfully long time. What's more it looks just like my car. It's almost like aliens are planning a silent invasion and have begun swapping out everything we know with exact copies. Also, why is my wife giggling again?

No matter, I'm prepared for the alien invasion. In fact, I welcome it.

2. During the day, I yell at my kids for leaving their toys on the floor. At night, I begin to realize the sheer genius of the arrangement of their junk--they are perfectly situated so that I step on every damn one of them in the dark.

It's like this, but the mines say 'I love you' when you step on them.

1. There is no going back. If I fall asleep now, I'm going to be woken by a small child somersaulting onto my junk. If I go back upstairs, I will only wake up my wife again and incur her wrath for the rest of the day. My only option is to watch some animal porn, knock out a few levels of Candy Crush, and lube up for incoming alien attack. Hopefully, I can squeeze in a nap before the probing starts.