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Hi. First post. Trying to find someone to talk to or at least get some junk off my chest. It's going to be a book as I just need to air it out.

Went to Doctor today and requested meds. Cried when I told him why/what/who...feel a bit ashamed at that, but it's hard to talk about it without tears welling up.

Feel a bit scared of sharing in this forum, but will go ahead with it. Hopefully this will help.

I accidentally found out a few week ago as my wife left her e-mail browser open on my computer. I had been out of town and when I returned she was out of town (and still is ... for the entire month of June). I shouldn't have been snooping, but I couldn't help it. My curiosity got the best of me. There were multiple contacts between a person who I have been suspicious of for some time. I had been in the presence of both of them a few times and I just knew something didn't jive. One of the recent e-mails which I saw was him asking her on which side of the city she was visiting she was staying on and that he would text her when he got close. I noticed that e-mail got deleted (quickly) as my wife was also reading her e-mail. She knows I'm a computer genus and in my additional snooping I had found several circumstances of her warning him that he needed to be careful because "...is a computer genus and will find this."

I continued to snoop and found several alarming messages spawning several years, some of which you could see that my wife had tried to delete the offending messages, but when he responded her messages to him were readable and vice versa in the e-mail threads.

When I confronted my wife (on the phone which is the only way we can communicate as she is 800 miles away from me until 6/30) she denied any inappropriate relationship with him. Said that they were just colleges and friends (even though when he was driving to see her it was a 400 mile trip for him).

He lives in her home town. We only visit holidays and occasionally. He is older and has children that are probably within 15 years of my wife's age (we are mid-30s, but at the time she was in her late 20s and his oldest daughter was in High School). He was married when all this started, but no longer is and I have no idea why (but have my guesses).

I continued to snoop and continued to press and eventually more came to light. Including a rendezvous planned via e-mail in advance of a trip when we were visiting her family for Thanksgiving where they conspired to get away alone, leaving me stuck at my in-laws house (which is UTTER HELL).

I eventually confronted her again and she admitted some infidelity. I still have doubts that she has opened up and is being totally honest with me. I don't even know why I want to know the truth, but I feel I deserve it. I am just leery of taking her word that the initial intimate contact, the planned rendezvous, and contact since that has been as innocent as she insisted it is (says, "we just kissed." and, "we didn't cross a bigger line.")

We are planning on moving forward and trying to put this behind her. As such, I've asked her to read the WS FAQ and some other internet resources I have found. She hasn't really had time, and I acknowledge that as she is terribly busy while on the road for business.

However, why do I still not quite believe that I have 100% of her honesty ... the planned rendezvous e-mail included him cancelling an important work function to stay behind when she was, "cumming here." After which she again warned him of my profession and said they she would love to find an excuse so she could "cum" to see him.

Indeed he actually came over to her parent's house as we were stranded there and picked her up. RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE! We even had a fight about it that evening as I not necessarily had suspicions, but that I was left behind and not invited on their trip. She even fired back at me when I said something like, "don't worry, he's married." (and I'm thinking ... and so are you so maybe I am just a bit over suspicious and should back off ... guess I was justified in my suspicion after all).

My wife and I had also dated several years prior to marriage when we were both very young. We broke up then because she slept with another person and we both saw other people in the "in-between" years. I had three relationships which were all moderately long term and do know based upon our discussions prior to getting back together and getting engaged that she was quite promiscuous (but I don't hold that against her or at least I don't think I do). I also know that after we started seeing each other again, she had some NSA sex on the side. I chalked it up to pre-engagement jitters and let it slide but at the time, I had proof of it.

So that's pretty much it. Their relationship spawned over 8 years of our 11 year marriage. Was initially probably a professional thing. I don't know how many times they were physically intimate but it probably wasn't more than a half dozen to a dozen times. She hasn't confessed anything other than "kissing" him (in his house while he was still married) and hasn't admitted any untoward conduct during the Thanksgiving Friday rendezvous).

I'm crushed. I'm devastated. I'm broken. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't focus at work. I cry a lot and am very lonely as I don't have much contact with others where I live and work from home. She is 800 miles away. We have a lot of other stress in our lives at the moment without having this dumped on our relationship.

Her NC to him was too short in my opinion. I feel that I deserve her to write him with more than a "No more contact. Don't reply" message. I feel she should tell him it's over and why. She still feels that due to their profession that they may have some contact in the future. At this point, I have made it clear that I am not comfortable with that. That there should be NO contact.

I've probably badgered her about other men in her life, of which I don't really have many that I would be suspicious of, and she has gotten defensive about some of it. Think I'm imagining things.

I am imagining things. My movies of them are much more significant than the "kissing" she confessed, I mean she is at home alone with an older married man in his house with no chance of getting caught...and the "kissed" Really?

Do I deserve the truth? Do I really want to hear it? I think I do on both accounts. I need to know to what lengths she with with him. I need to have confidence in her telling me the truth ... the WHOLE truth. Without it, I feel as if she is still being dishonest to me and don't feel that we can move forward with our marriage. Even though it is apparent that we both want to move forward and put this behind us.

She is getting defensive as "we have already talked about this"...but we have maybe had 5 or 6 long late conversations on the phone.

OK. Done for now. Actually have dry eyes and a bit more anger than when I started this post. PMs welcome, public replies as well. Any advice?

I may post additional thoughts as it seems to be helping.

Thanks in advance.....

Married 9/20/2003
WW with OM 8 years
Dday 6/15/14

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: New Mexico

mchercheur♀ 37735Member # 37735

Posted: 7:03 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014

Hi shortyneedshlep,

Welcome to SI. I am so sorry that you find yourself here with the rest of us BSs betrayed spouses, but you will find a lot of support, comfort, & information here. We know how you feel because we have been there---it is living hell.

I am assuming that your doctor gave you antidepressants----good. How about something to help you sleep? If you are not sleeping, please call & ask him for that as well.
If you can not eat, at least drink water & protein drinks. Exercise gets rid of the tension.
Right now, just get through one day at a time.

From what you have written, it sounds to me like your WW ( wayward wife) is a serial cheater, & has been having a LTA (long term affair) with the POSOM (Piece of $h*t other man). It also sounds like she is unremorseful.

Please know that this is not your fault. There is something wrong with her.

If she wants to R with you, she will have to follow your rules. Only you know what your minimum requirements are, but they should include
NO MORE contact with POSOM & complete transparency, & you have a right to keep talking about this for as long as you need to. You have been traumatized.

You deserve the WHOLE truth. And no way was it just kissing. That's what my WH said at first. By the next day I had dates and times. If there is to be any hope of reconciling, you need the whole truth. I'm so sorry. This pain is just excruciating.

"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 371 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia

saturnpatrick♂ 35989Member # 35989

Posted: 7:16 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014

Her NC to him was too short in my opinion.

Just to be clear, any NC agreement that is broken is too short.

BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jun 2012

LifeIsBroken♀ 27071Member # 27071

Posted: 7:57 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014

Shorty: if your ww is truly remorseful and truly wants an honest marriage, she will answer every question with the truth. Personally, I find it difficult to believe they have been in contact for this many years and haven't had sex. It seems a stretch that they would restrain themselves over that length of time. Doubtful. Very doubtful. My xh told me he and the bimbo didn't have sex during the 2 different visits they had (she was married, living in another state at the time) because they had made a pact: "It would have been immoral to actually have sex while both were still married." Well, of course, as it turned out, of course they did. Your ww will likely trickle truth you to hell and back. I asked the questions over and over till I felt I had most of the truth. I had to know what I was dealing with in order to know if it was fixable. I considered the cheap sex with her 'fixable' but the continued lying, deceit and dishonor for the six months after D-Day became the deal breaker. He would send her a NC email or call her and tell her it was over then one of them would cave a day or two later because, you know, they were so much in lurve they couldn't' stand it.

Ask yourself why, after she has cheated most of your married life and even before you were married, you would want to stay with this woman. She has dishonored and disrespected you from day one. Are you sure she's the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with ? Even if she does say she's done with the other man, can you believe her? Can you believe her about anything she tells you ? Think long and hard if this is how you want to live. I finally told xh, "I will not spend the rest of my life looking over YOUR shoulder." It's all about choices. She has chosen over and over to cheat. You now get to choose whether this is how you want to live. Every time she leaves for an extended business trip, will you wonder what she's really doing ? You are young, there are a lot of years left. Choose wisely as to how you want to live them. (((( Shorty ))))

Also, since he's married, let his wife know what's going on. That often has the affair partner running for the hills, trying to patch things up at his/her home. And, as you deserve to know what your wife is up to, his wife deserves to know what her husband is doing. Don't tell your wife you're going to contact om's wife or your wife will warn him and he'll cook up some story for his wife before you ever get to talk with her. Exposing the affair often takes some of the glitter off the pig, as well; it isn't as much fun or so "special" when it's no longer a secret.

I believe it's easier to recover from an affair when the AP's are just having sex. Once time passes and they become emotionally connected, it's far more difficult for them to end it. My xh's affair began in earnest in January 2009; I didn't learn of it until late August 2009. Had I known early on, before they had an opportunity to become "soul mates" (gag), I believe it would have been far more recoverable.

Above all, protect yourself both physically and emotionally. Put YOU first. Put YOUR best interests first. She will either get on board or she won't. Meanwhile, instead of pining away for her, get angry. Angry she has done this to YOU and somehow thought it was ok. It wasn't ok and it still isn't.

I too am new to this site and seeking to chat! I am so sorry for what you are going thru! It's not fair! There are no words to comfort only prayers that truly help! I will be praying for your comfort and strength!

Welcome to SI. Feel free to post as much as you need. You will always be heard and seen.

You do deserve the whole truth.

The meds (ADs I presume) will help you regain a healthy sleep and appetite within a few weeks. It will help you think clearly.

Take care.

I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007

shortyneedshlep♂ 43809Member # 43809

Posted: 8:57 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014

wow. Thank all of you for responding. It's nice to have a forum and be able to share and share alike. I have been searching the internet and just gave this forum a shot. I appreciate all the advice.

Not to write another book, although I probably could with all the crap running around in my head.

One suggestion was tell his wife. He has since divorced, so that's a non-starter. Don't know that I would either way.

However, I do have enough anger that if I were see that home wrecker, I would go to jail before I quit. Maybe violence isn't the answer, but I would make a scene, let everyone in the vicinity know what that SOB has done. He lives in a very small town and we have run into him randomly in the past and when at my in-laws, I can bet it will happen again. Right now, if it were to happen I wouldn't care who I was with, who he was with, where we were. I would put him in his place. Maybe that will fade and if I see him it will just open wounds, but I feel that currently I would embarrass myself, him, his company, my company, and my wife.

I'm not ready to consider whether my WW is a serial cheater. I may have been a bit harsh. I only KNOW of this one instance. I, like anyone recently betrayed feel like there could be others, but I don't want to dwell.

I want the truth. I want an honest wife. I have told her I would bare my soul. If she asks me ANYTHING, I will answer it truthfully even if it hurts me/her/others. I expect the same and don't know how to get it or even if she is giving it if it's the whole truth.

OK. That's off my chest.

Since that last post, I thought about it some more. I think one of the reasons I feel so hurt is that I put so much trust in her. I love her so much that I could not hurt her and thought the feelings were mutual. How do I convey the gravity of what has happened to me. How the betrayal hurts so much. How I can't get over the lies. I want her to be honest with me. I don't know how to express that to her. I said, "I give you full immunity for lying if you will just come clean." She indicates that she has. That it is over and that the physical intimacy she indicates happened was the extent of it. However, the sexting, flirty e-mails and apparently lots of dirty talk on the phone have gone on over the years.

Again, I'm still struggling to find the truth and want the full truth. I am willing to forgive the lies over the past week if they were put there to "protect" me, but they aren't protecting me. If there was more, I deserve to know.

Again. Thank you all for your support. I am in a lot of pain and it's comforting to know that there are others who have been and who are where I am in my life.

Married 9/20/2003
WW with OM 8 years
Dday 6/15/14

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: New Mexico

beyondpain6107♀ 15120Member # 15120

Posted: 8:28 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014

Their relationship spawned over 8 years of our 11 year marriage.

I don't know how many times they were physically intimate but it probably wasn't more than a half dozen to a dozen times.

I would be skeptical about your numbers. An 8 year affair and her messages intentionally use "cum" instead of come. They generally withhold and deny deny deny. I hope you're going to go to mc.

Hugs to you though, infidelity rocks your world and turns it upside down! Be careful to believe her and take special care of yourself!!

She called last night at 3am. She was two time zones away so it was only 1am for her but she is not a night person. She had read the WS FAQ and one on Wikihow and was very open. Of course, I was loopy from taking a Xanax at 11am to get to sleep, but we did have a conversation.

She admitted she was withholding information and would come clean. I was too groggy/stoned to really have that conversation at that time, but told her that I was glad she was helping me make progress. I let her know that I am still committed to moving forward, and I am. I really love her and want to continue our life together.

This whole Dday bullshit comes at a very stressful time in both of our lives. Her being so far away and us not being able to afford airfare to be with each other even on a weekend just adds to the mess. She will be back home on 6/30, another 9 days at which point I'm sure there will be a lot of crying and hopefully not much yelling.

Her admission that she was withholding surrounds the Thanksgiving Friday rendezvous. That, "more happened than I have been honest about." I knew in my gut there was. I'm bracing myself for my worse nightmares when we do actually get it out in the open. However, I can honestly say that my internal movies of that day are pretty intense. I hope knowing the truth will put them to bed. Does the truth stop the graphic images?

I am committed to moving forward. She is committed to moving forward. I hope she can be honest with me. I know it's going to hurt both of us. Probably me more than her, but I am entitled to the truth, from her mouth.

I also am going to ask her to at least draft a more significant NC letter. I don't know if I'll make her send it. She does consider him a colleague and friend. The friend part needs to end! I get that. Not quite sure WW agrees. I want her to write that there can be NO contact which is not in reference to a a case, and even that is borderline in my opinion. It better damn well be a case that ONLY she is uniquely qualified to assist him in dealing with. I want access to that and if I detect a hint of subterfuge, innuendo, or probing then I'm going to enforce a total NC rule. Not even if one of his patients is on death's doorstep. If in the process of a working a case that is indeed she can lend her expertise, and he is present, I either want to be there or I want a third party who is in-the-know to be present.

She seems to truly regret her actions and the pain it has caused. I don't know if we are at remorse yet, but it sure felt like we were getting closer in the last few days. Of course having all these conversations over the phone are really providing the full emotional non-verbal feedback.

I do love my wife. I believe she feels the same for me. I want to get over it. I want to move on. I want to forgive, but will never forget.

Married 9/20/2003
WW with OM 8 years
Dday 6/15/14

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: New Mexico

Jduff♂ 41988Member # 41988

Posted: 8:57 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014

Shorty, trust your gut. It is telling you something, the truth. This is why you are conflicted. You want the blind trust you had with her back but there is enough proof along with your gut feeling to tell you otherwise. She is presently gas-lighting you, minimizing the damage. She is doing this because she had disrespect for you and the marriage. It wasn't anything you did. The affair now, and those the past while you dated, all her fault completely. You are dealing with a VERY broken individual.

Yes, you deserve better from your spouse. We all do. Now is the time to have a plan of action because you're ate being held emotionally hostage to the situation and you need to get our of this limbo of not knowing the whole truth. Her keeping this from you is taking your power away to choose what you should do.

Your skilled in IT. Start using this to your advantage and collect all the information you can of all of their communication. These exchanges are date/time stamped and it will help you build a timeline of their affair.

Also start talking to some lawyers to know your rights as a spouse. You don't have to file, just get familiar with the process and how long it takes. Have some questions ready to ask the attorney.

You are doing the above because knowledge is power, and the more you have the more strength you will attain over the situation.

Be prepared for the worst. From what you described, this sounds like it is only the tip of the iceberg.

We are all here for you. Hang in there.

Divorced - 5/23/14
In my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 1091 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas

Jomarion♀ 43659Member # 43659

Posted: 7:39 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014

Very sorry you are going through this. You said the loss of trust is so painful to realise. It is that way for me too. I would never hurt my partner in that way, and then he does it to me. It is too painful to put into words. When I saw my partner insecure, I would go out of my way to adapt my behaviour to help him not worry. But he did the opposite to me - exploited and betrayed my trust for his own selfish BS. That is the worst part of the affair for me too.

It is good you found this site so early on in your discoveries. It will hopefully help you not make all the foolish mistakes I made when I was going through it (pleading, begging, crying, chasing, the list goes on...)
Hugs to you.
Take very good care of yourself,Shortyneedshelp. No matter how hard to do. You need and deserve that care now.

me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 286 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK

shortyneedshlep♂ 43809Member # 43809

Posted: 8:45 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014

An update, a bump, and more dirty laundry.....

Yesterday was actually a decent day. I love to play in the dirt and with our animals. I spent the morning in the garden tying tomato plans and picking. Gardening is one of my escapes, the other is fly fishing and I may play hooky one day from work this week and tempt some trout.

While gardening, I had a lot of time to think. I think it's the reason I like the hobby so much ... that and I eat so much healthier in the warmer months. Thinking about her, thinking about the path forward, thinking about the betrayal. When sitting alone on the couch and thinking the same thoughts the tears are hard to stop. However, while in the garden with my hands busy there were no tears even if the emotions were as strong. The lesson I'm taking from this is that keeping busy with something you enjoy is a great coping mechanism. For me it's something that involves my hands (like gardening or fly fishing), if I had any creative side I might try something creative...i imagine knitting would be very therapeutic, but I'm not quite ready to get a ball of yarn (and I don't know how).

The afternoon was spent with our horses and cleaning up in the barn. Horses and Dogs are non-judgmental and are actually good company. One of our young ones is quite social. Some friends came over to see the new colt and that was nice to visit with them. You have to remember that I am alone as my wife is on the road until the end of the month and I don't have much of a social net where we live.

We spoke a few times on the phone yesterday of nothing of import, just checking in and chatting. We spoke on the phone at length last night. She is staying at her brother's house and had been with her family all day. That makes any heavy conversation awkward, as the emotions can get pretty thick and I don't want her crying and all puffy eyed or them overhear a heated conversation. We had a very positive conversation and avoided the topic that is eating a hole in me. I was encouraged by this as I feel there is some progress. As I mentioned, just that morning (at 3am) she had admitted that there was more to the story and would come clean. So as we were saying our good nights after our positive conversation, I just wanted to say that I was glad she was opening up and that it helped. It might have come out a little wrong. I don't know my exact words, but it was along the lines of, "we still have to have a serious talk soon." Maybe a bit more harsh, maybe not. Anyway, she got immediately resentful. Chided me for reminding her of that just before bed. That we had a perfectly good evening call and now the emotional aspects are brought back up and she will have trouble sleeping. She has a 10 hour drive today and did need the sleep. After our call we exchanged a few texts in which she griped at me about bringing it up when I did. Said she was cramping and her bowels were all twisted (which is how I have felt for about two weeks at this point). I apologized and in our text messages tried to indicate that I was indicating that I am making progress. That I am moving a bit forward.

We have texted this AM. She was bitching because she was up at 5am tossing and turning with worry about me and our discussion. I know the feeling. I know it very well. It's the reason I balled my eyes out at my regular doctor office so I could get something for my nerves and long term depression tendencies.

She is at breakfast with her parents, then heading back east for a 10 hour drive. I feel a little bad that she didn't sleep, and maybe it was bad timing.

She often says that my mind works just before bed and she is a morning person. Over the years, I can not count the number of late evening fights that we have because according to her, I wait until we are ready for bed to bring up a big topic. I don't do it around or after dinner, I do it the last thing in the day. I guess it's just how my mind works. She is an early riser and is usually out of bed at least an hour, if not two before I am every day. She also gets in bed and falls asleep. I on the other hand get in bed and read for an hour or two before my mind is at a place where I can sleep. Of course, that's my "normal" self, not what I'm going through now. Now, when I think I'm ready and turn out the light, the images start. I start planning our discussions. I start thinking of them together and it DRIVES ME FREAKING CRAZY. So I turn on the light, but then I can't even read. I can't enjoy my book (until last night I popped a xanax which helped me relax and sleep).

I'm debating whether to keep our discussions today while she is driving light or if we should go for the heavy stuff, the truth if not the TT.

Anyway, yesterday was a good day. Today is Sunday so I've got more time on my hands and will try to keep doing something I like.

Thanks for all the help and just letting me vent.

Married 9/20/2003
WW with OM 8 years
Dday 6/15/14

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: New Mexico

shortyneedshlep♂ 43809Member # 43809

Posted: 11:16 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014

She dropped the bomb. We were talking on her drive home .. somewhere between Albuquerque and Amarillo she said that we should go ahead now while we are both captive audiences.

She said she already told me, that she did Friday night. My recollection is that she told me that there was more that happened, but didn't go into details at that time. This time she did.

She insists that the first contact in 2007 or so was only kissing. That he wanted more. It was when he was still married and both my wife and I were in her home town. She was working at his practice and she said it got a bit flirty and he invited her to his house for lunch with his. She went, she said they had lunch and his wife left for work and then she said they kissed, standing up in the kitchen and she left. Not sure if I want to keep probing that one, but I don't know how to stop.

However, she admitted the Thanksgiving Friday rendezvous was more. He picked her up at her parents house where I was staying. It's in a rural part of New Mexico. They drove out to the boonies and rode horses for a short while then when they got back to the truck they had sex, full on intercourse in the back of the truck. She said he was naked, she kept her shirt on and that they did use a condom. She is adamant about the condom This was in 2011 so any STDs would be transferred and most likely known by now, or at least I would think they would be. She said she did not perform oral and the can't recollect if he did or not. Not that intercourse isn't enough, but in our sex life, oral is rather important and to me very very intimate .... sorry if this is too graphic, but it's something that may be a distinction for me.

She said she has seen him only a half dozen times since that and nothing more has ever happened. One was a tour of her work facility here in Tennessee and another was a lunch when they were both on business in Albuquerque.

She indicated that she did not meet him two weeks ago in Dallas. That while they were planning it via e-mail (which is how I found out), she got cold feet (this was a day or three before Dday) and that she called it off via texts. I asked her to not delete them and she said she already had. Indeed as I indicated earlier, she has cleansed her e-mail rather well. I can see her caller-id via the VZW self service Web site and can see that after the (too short in my opinion) NC letter that he has not texted or called her. There is one blocked call, but she has a lot of them in her profession and some of her colleagues have caller-id turned off on out going calls for a reason. So I tend to believe her that this was not him, but another person with whom she has frequent blocked calls from.

She says there has been no one else. Not even a kiss or more than physical contact that she would feel comfortable doing in front of me.

I've asked her to write a longer NC letter. One that is longer than "No more contact. Don't Reply." I told her I want to read it and don't even know if I will make her send it, but it should indicate that she has deeply wounded me and cares about me and if he as any respect for her as a person that he will honor her NC commitment. That if they see each other that there will be no contact. That if he sees the two of us, he will leave the premise. She agreed, but was a little argumentative about it saying she already wrote a NC letter and that he would understand that e-mail "No more contact. Do not reply." as I was in the know.

She seems remorseful. We talked about the future. We talked about moving forward. We even talked about some bad habits we both have that we can strive to work on. We talked about strengthening our relationship.

My questions to the group:
1- Should I contact OM? Ask him to apologize to me and enforce the NC? Let him know that I know? Call him a rotten piece of shit home wrecker and threaten him with violence if he EVER is in my presence?
2- Should I have her actually send the new NC letter?

Married 9/20/2003
WW with OM 8 years
Dday 6/15/14

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: New Mexico

Jomarion♀ 43659Member # 43659

Posted: 2:36 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014

Very very sorry for the new information, Shortyneedshelp. I don't feel qualified to answer your three questions, I am such a mess myself, but I will make some observations:
1) I am furious on your behalf that she has betrayed you for so long. 'Just a kiss' is still betrayal. When an old boyfriend of mine visited me years ago and made a pass at me when my then-husband was away, I told him to stop, told him I was married, (duh), and never invited him back to my house. We occasionally chat on the internet(when he tells me he is in Europe on tour and could I visit, I say no.), but my opinion of him went way down after that. So a long-term affair (which is what your wife seems to be in) could EASILY have been stopped by her.

2) All that sex-talk is betrayal. The humour shows total lack of guilt and very very hurtful.

3) Your wife appears to be making lots of excuses in general and more concerned with her feelings than yours. (SHE's tired???? SHE's upset with a late-night phone call? Well, who initiated the need to have late-night phone calls anyway? Maybe if she was not cheating her bowels would be better. Maybe if she took some responsibility for her actions she would stop complaining about what you are doing in your pain and confusion, and start focussing on her responsibilities in the situation.) My Wayward boyfriend/partner said a lot of the same crapola to me. Do they all go to the same Affair and Betrayal Academy? (I apologize if I am speaking strongly here about your WW and hurting you further.)

4) Though I do not want to comment on whether you should confront the OM or not, I will say in hindsight that I regretted never confronting the OW. I was so broken by her I never had the guts. Just going near her house used to make me shake and get sick.

5)I fully understand the power of animals to help and heal. There were times when I was so weak with grief, close to fainting, I could not muck out my horses' stalls, but just going to them and stroking their manes, touching their proud necks, they helped heal me and keep me afloat. They understand a lot more than people. I had a pet goat(since died) who, when she saw me crying, would stay by my side, refusing to leave, and baa softly to me, like I was her kid. So yes, stay by the animals! The regular chores of cleaning them help too. (By the way, I could not help noticing you were from Tennessee? One of my horses is a Tennessee Walking Horse, brought over from the US when I moved to the UK.He was my number one friend while I was experiencing the betrayal.)

I hope I have said some things to help. Keep in the moment, it sounds like there is a lot of good in your life, your garden, your horses, keep in the moment when you are with them, train your mind to be with them, and not with the horrible films in your mind. Try not to grieve and worry all the time (like I tend to do!) I know how difficult that can be, but when I can do it, it lightens the pain and gives me strength.

Take care of yourself. It is clear you love her very much, but you need to look after yourself now, and not count on her to look after you. That was a mistake I made with my WBF, and it only got me a lot more hurt.

And congratulations on your little newborn colt!

me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 286 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK

ZedLeppelin♂ 40895Member # 40895

Posted: 11:24 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014

My wife and I had also dated several years prior to marriage when we were both very young. We broke up then because she slept with another person and we both saw other people in the "in-between" years. I had three relationships which were all moderately long term and do know based upon our discussions prior to getting back together and getting engaged that she was quite promiscuous (but I don't hold that against her or at least I don't think I do). I also know that after we started seeing each other again, she had some NSA sex on the side. I chalked it up to pre-engagement jitters and let it slide but at the time, I had proof of it.

So you're attempting to rugsweep with a serial cheater?

Posts: 219 | Registered: Oct 2013

SeanFLA♂ 32380Member # 32380

Posted: 4:56 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014

Sorry this happened. But Zed hit it spot on. She needs IC to find out why she thinks years of this, even before marriage, is acceptable behavior.

And you my friend also need IC to understand why you seem to rugsweep it. I personally couldn't stay with a person like this. Without the right help for both of you, it's just going to happen again. Maybe not with this OM, but a different one.

She's firmly shown she can lie and hide. Who knws what else she's been partaking in on these extended business trips. I say this from experience. My exWW also cheated on business trips and thought I would never find out. Turns out I was much smarter than she was giving me credit for.

BS(me) 48
WW 47
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1515 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land

rockyfortune♂ 43826Member # 43826

Posted: 5:35 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014

It's hard to read this stuff. This sounds exactly like my WW. Once confronted with facts, she would make up excuses, explanations, and minimizes the acts that she committed. Someone said it was like all the cheaters read the same book. Take it from me, I wanted to get by all this, get over it and live a happy life with my life. I found it and still find it impossible to forget AND forgive. No one has the right to do this to anyone. You aren't alone. Hang in there shorty and soccermom. I won't lie...it will only get tougher to trust and believe the WS from this point on. When I look back on my situation...I gave my WW three separate chances to get her head right and be a responsible adult. Big Mistake from what I am reading here.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: philadelphia

Jduff♂ 41988Member # 41988

Posted: 9:29 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014

1- Should I contact OM? Ask him to apologize to me and enforce the NC? Let him know that I know? Call him a rotten piece of shit home wrecker and threaten him with violence if he EVER is in my presence?

No. At least not at this time. He is inconsequential. It is your wife who CHOSE to participate instead of upholding strong boundaries with OM, and all previous OM.

2- Should I have her actually send the new NC letter?

Absolutely. DEMAND it.

Gardening is one of my escapes, the other is fly fishing and I may play hooky one day from work this week and tempt some trout.
...while in the garden with my hands busy there were no tears even if the emotions were as strong. The lesson I'm taking from this is that keeping busy with something you enjoy is a great coping mechanism. For me it's something that involves my hands (like gardening or fly fishing), if I had any creative side I might try something creative...i imagine knitting would be very therapeutic, but I'm not quite ready to get a ball of yarn (and I don't know how).

EXCELLENT! Stay with this regimen. This is EXACTLY what you do to detach from your situation and keep your mind and emotions from being hostage to her infidelity. I would also add in some walking for some excercise. It helps with processing and organizing your thoughts as well.

Some friends came over to see the new colt and that was nice to visit with them.

Fill your schedule with more social opportunities. Reach out to friends you haven't heard from in a while. Go visit them. Join a local gardening club.

She indicated that she did not meet him two weeks ago in Dallas. That while they were planning it via e-mail (which is how I found out), she got cold feet (this was a day or three before Dday) and that she called it off via texts. I asked her to not delete them and she said she already had. Indeed as I indicated earlier, she has cleansed her e-mail rather well.

She is trying to control the damage. This is why waywards delete messages. The truth is in those messages, but since they are deleted she can now give you the minimized and partially cleansed version of the truth. She is making you a shit sandwhich with mayo to taste slightly better.

Remember this? -

When I confronted my wife (on the phone which is the only way we can communicate as she is 800 miles away from me until 6/30) she denied any inappropriate relationship with him. Said that they were just colleges and friends (even though when he was driving to see her it was a 400 mile trip for him).

and now this -

They drove out to the boonies and rode horses for a short while then when they got back to the truck they had sex, full on intercourse in the back of the truck...

That's quite a turn of the story there, isn't it?

I know the situation makes you want to be overly selective in your approach and to handle the it with kid gloves. You may feel like you are about to "lose" her if you say the wrong thing or push for the truth too much. You are actually in a position of power here. I suggest you write down some requirements right now that YOU need from her to earn the chance of reconciliation. The obvious ones are:

1) New NC letter that you both send
2) Total and complete transparency
3) Her to write down a timeline of the affair, AND the others. This sets the stage her to come clean.

Don't let her try to blame-shift or gaslight her way out owning her shit. Let her know this is her one shot, now, of coming clean because you are not going to tolerate her behavior anymore. Let her know that the window of opportunity for R is now and that you have some requirements that need to be met in order for you to see that she is taking that seriously.

Divorced - 5/23/14
In my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 1091 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas

shortyneedshlep♂ 43809Member # 43809

Posted: 10:52 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014

Sorry about the language in this one....I'm venting!

I had a total breakdown on the phone last night. I thought I was doing so well. I stayed busy during the day, didn't cry, still had that feeling like I ate a rotten egg, but was doing OK. Actually went to a sports bar to watch some World Cup and had a beer. Ordered some wings of which I got about 3 or 4 down before I just couldn't eat anymore.

We talked a lot during the day because of her long drive. In the late evening when she was in her corporate apartment in Texas and I was at home we were talking. I did the interview thing again, which I think we have reached the bottom of. At least I hope we have.

After that we talked of the details, I started asking questions as to whether it was premeditated. When he picked her up for their "ride" I think he fucking shook my hand. I think I hugged her and said, "Have fun." I asked that when she drove off if she had planned on sex. She said it wasn't a definite yes, but she "thought" it might happen. I made her give me the painful details and it hurt. It hurt so bad.

She said, "I never meant to hurt you." I have a big problem with this. How can you premeditate sex with another person while I was stuck at home with my in-laws who she KNOWS I can't stand. I know that biological urges are strong. I have always said (and I said this many times last night), it's OK to want to fuck someone. It's not OK TO ACTUALLY DO IT!

That by not stopping herself (or him) she disrespected our relationship, she disrespected me, she tore my heart out and stomped all over it.

As I have indicated, she came home from the ride and I think I shook that fucker's hand again. What a total piece of SHTI. What a total fuck.

WW and I had words that night about how hurt I was that she left me alone with her parents and went off and rode horses. RODE FUCKING HORSES.... She said I wouldn't have enjoyed it. They were riding green horses in English seats, of which I can stay in one at a canter but after that I'd end up in the dirt. They were "chasing coyotes." I remember that vividly as something wasn't quite right.

She took a shower. Washing his filthy fucking touch off her.

She had the gall to ask me why I never took her out in the boonies and had sex with her in the back of a truck. I want to. I want to be that for her. We don't live in a place like New Mexico where you can go out to the boonies, see other cars miles off and get freaky.

So..the breakdown. I balled so hard I couldn't breathe. I actually thought at one point I would need an ambulance as I was hyperventilating. It hurts that bad. I am torn the fuck up.

We ended up calming down and talking more. I would start to get worked up again. She acknowledges what she did is shitty. Even an affair would be shitty, but the circumstances of leaving me at her parents house and fucking in the truck?

It's awful. I feel so cheated. I feel so empty. I feel harmed.

I'm afraid. I'm scared. I'm a lot of emotions just now.

I appreciate all of your advice. Some of it is not for me. I am ready for R. She seems ready for R. I've gotten it off my chest ... but I know it won't be the last time.

What I know about this group is that some of you have been where I am. You understand the pain, the devastation, the horror. If you are hurting like me, you are not alone.