Thursday, August 31, 2006

... and it is almost 2 in the afternoon. What does that tell you? It tells you that just like it always does, messing with Little Man's meds sends us to hell. Two nights and very little sleep. I just spoke with the psychiatrist and told him this is quickly turning into a serious crisis at the Tangled House. Part of the problem is Bald Man and I have spent far too many years sleep deprived and we just don't have it in us anymore to do the sleepless nights thing.Neither one of us have the reserves to be able to cope physically or mentally with not enough sleep for nights in a row. One night is doable. Two? Uh uh and three? We won't discuss the implications. I have been too tired today and completely useless. The only reason I am able to update now is I just finished a can of Mountain Dew and I am feeling like perhaps I am not the living dead. So we will do some increases (again) tonight and pray this works. At least the doctor said if we get another bad night we are going to pull out some big guns. The good news? The meds do seem to be helping Little Man's mood and aggression. He is less anxious, which is great and he has been sooo sweet! I am remembering why I like him so very much. I had forgotten, really, in dealing with all the crap day to day. By the way? School started a week and half ago and this kid is still home. I am riding the school district and telling them to hurry up! Gosh darn it all anyway. Do you know what a big difference it would make to miss a night's sleep and them hustle him off on the bus and drop back into bed instead of doing the intensive kind of care he takes in the mornings? ARGH! I am sure it must be Condelezza's fault since this has all happened since we roasted in the car waiting for her gas guzzling motorcade to go by.Don't let anyone fool you. Caring for a disabled child 24/7 is alot of work, not much fun and right now, not particularly rewarding. We love him, don't get me wrong, but boy oh boy, I would kill for not feeling so tired right now. I look around at all the stuff that needs to get done, (Brown Boy will be here this weekend) but I am just too tired to do anything.This is just the largest thing we have looming in the household right now. We are also battling Little Man's insurance (again!) for his very expensive formula that he has to have to live. I spent, no kidding, 5 hours on the phone yesterday. That is a story for another day though. Pray for sleep peeps!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Check your seat belts, it is going to an another whiny post. Let us start at the beginning. Our air conditioning in the van is broken this year and I just can't find the 300$ it will cost to fix it. The weather has been cooling off a bit and this has taken the edge of desperation off fixing it. Little Man had an appointment with his new psychiatrist which is a one hour drive each way. We, (Bald Man and I) are both feeling a bit like switching up his meds has become a crisis that needs to be handled. I had recently bought a new Sony Cybershot digital camera that worked for all of about 2 days. So while I was in the Big City I stopped by the closest store that had it in stock. It did mean leaving an hour even earlier and dragging Little Man with me to the store, but I thought we could handle it. We had a minimal amount of acting out in the store so that was good. And I was pleased to have a decent camera again.On the way to the doctor's office, from the store, I thought, oh good, I am making good time, I should be there about 10 minutes early. HA! I spoke too soon, or perhaps the Hell's demons who have been assigned to me recently to assist in my descent into a fiery pit of doom, gloom, bad luck and rotten life happenings over heard my pleased statement. What ever. I am sitting at a light when a FLOCK, or would it be gaggle? pod? swarm? of motorcyle police guys came roaring down the street I needed to cross. They stopped all the traffic. Now mind you, the heat is bearable in the car when you are driving, but sit still and you will begin to roast. I am starting to have sweat form beads and ramble unhurriedly down my neck and back when a LARGE motorcade of SUVs zoom past. Do you know who almost made me late for my son's doctor's appointment? It was Condoleezza Rice! And get this delicious irony, SUVs! Gas guzzling hogs idling outside while Rice tells the veterans, "we need to stay the course." I just love the fact her pompous self got in the way of my very important day, of course what ever important thing she is doing, she doesn't give a thought to the suffering people just outside her windows. Darn her and Bush too. I just just mail Little Man to them and let them suffer some reality!So the doc messed with Little Man's meds. It is 10:30 here and Little Man is showing NO signs of falling asleep. He is, however, showing signs of a death wish. That little monster got into my jewelry box and took out some of the only important jewelry I like or wish to keep. And this is the capper. HE PUT WATER ON MY NEW CAMERA! It is currently in a huff,and isn't speaking to me, I guess its' electronic guts do not appreciate being soaked. I didn't even own it for 12 hours. I am so very angry with him. So Bald Man is laying down with him right now. Not because the Little Booger is ready to fall asleep, it is just so I won't kill him. ARRGH!The only good part about today was that the shrink was a nice guy. He seems sane, (unusual in a shrink we've noticed!), unassuming, not too pushy, willing to listen and wants to partner with the parents. Pretty pitiful when the highlight of my day is meeting my son's new shrink and not hating him. I blame Condeleezza Rice for the ruination of my new camera. Kind of like a black cat crossing your path, she crossed mine and now my day is in the toilet. Darn her all to heck anyways. Grumble, grr, grumble, mumble......There is going to be an anti Bush rally in Salt Lake City in two days. I wish Little Man had started school so I could go. I would tell them what they could do with their SUV's!

Friday, August 25, 2006

I need to do another post because of Caer. My last post (below) is depressing and whiny. Caer did some links to me, so I, in case I have some new visitors drop in, did as any good hostess does. I threw all the mess under the bed and jammed the rest in the closet while spraying Oust at the same time. NO NO! I tidied up my blog a bit and I feel the need to have it look a bit cheery and welcoming. If my first read was the last post I wrote, I would NEVER come back, so here goes!First off, the Rattie Hatties I made are not knitted. To clear up any confusion, I can not knit, I can not crochet. I have been known to sew a bit, but that is all. Well at least until needle felting came into my life. Such a lovely crafty thing and it makes me feel so creative. Here is one of the latest things I learned to make:

five way thread jointed no less! Go Jo!The Rattie Hatties were fun to make and I enjoyed sharing them. So on to the title of my post. What do you get when you cross Ray Barone with Tim the Tool Man Taylor? You get Bald Man, my husband. Do you need proof? That is coming.Now Bald Man and I have been married 26 years this month, a feat to be sure. But sometimes I wonder if he has learned anything about women in those 26 years. A couple of months ago I had to surrender to the reality of my advancing years and switch to bi focals. It is really terrible not to be able to see close or far and at some point, your arms are just not long enough and/or you just don't have the time to bring things near and far to your face until they are in focus. Do you want to know what my dear sweet husband had to say about my bifocals?"Wow, with your gray hair and bifocals, you really look like a grandma now!" I almost slugged him! And honestly, he was so surprised that I was angry and hurt about the comment. Men! Hmpppfff! That was his Ray Barone moment. But what he didn't know, was Karma was heading his way. Bald Man is a handy man kinda dude and he was wrestling with a door frame while he was on some steps above it. Guess who won? The door frame. Guess who lost? Bald Man's nose! And here is the proof:

My husband, Ray Taylor, or Tim Barone as you wish.And lest you should think I am making fun of him behind his back, after he did it, he asked me if I was going to blog about it and I replied I would like to, so he gave me permission. Probably so I would let him sleep in the bed again, but it worked.If you are new, welcome to the always interesting if not fun adventures of Tangled Me. If you are one of my golden oldies, you know I love you more than life its self.

Oh please, someone rescue me! SOS or something. I am sure you are sick of me whining, but I am not done. Little Man is still not in school, summer program or anything. So I am trapped in the apartment with him. I love my boy, I really do, with all my heart. But being developmentally delayed means he just isn't growing up very fast. So I have a very small child in a larger kid's body. He is very unstable mentally right now and I am anxiously awaiting his appt with the psych on the 29th. At this point, the ONLY thing I can do with him is go to the movies. It is hell getting there and getting home, but he is good while the movie is playing. Otherwise, NOTHING, nada. I can't go anywhere with him. Not the store, not to the park, anywhere. Everything makes him melt down. He is hitting me all the time now, scratching, and UGLY verbally. He is dangerous around other people because he is pushing and hitting anyone within his reach. I am sick of being here in the apartment with him, but I don't dare take him anywhere. And he is just so demanding. He has the attention span of a gnat and moves from the computer to a movie in his room and cable TV. It means he and I fight over the computer because he screams at me if he sees me on it, mostly it isn't worth it. I am just so frustrated and quite blue with cabin fever. And honestly, I am tired of my boy. Tired of his demands, tired of taking care of him, tired of fighting him on every issue, like going potty, or not hitting the keyboard or throwing toys. Today he is deliberately running into the walls, not sure what that is about, but it is noisy! So there ya go. My whiny self. Tired and blue, that's me. yay. When Bald Man gets home, I am sooooo outa here.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Things are slowly improving. I did forget to add in the chaos of the last couple of days, our microwave which was only 2 years old bit the dust. Isn't it interesting how quickly technology becomes indispensable? I don't cook with the microwave, but for warming up? Oh it is a necessity. Little Man is addicted to hot dogs and microwave popcorn, so he has eaten nothing of note the last few days.So on to the improvements. Spoke with the nurse at the psychiatrist's office and we have stopped the medication in question. No doubt about it peeps, we had a MUCH better day today. Like night and day difference. We also have an appt next week with the boy's shrink to talk about what we are going to do. So many problems with doing medication tweaking. He has a very unstable seizure disorder, so even messing with drugs that don't seem like they are connected, (like his Lithium) causes his seizures to get worse. The medication we are discussing about adding also can cause seizures. I am always scared when we start messing with things because it is like walking on the edge of a cliff, you never know which small mistep will turn into a disaster. But I am intensely grateful for small gifts, and the gift of today was a blessing. No fights, no social workers showing up at my door. (Speaking of which, when I talked to the Child Protection worker she didn't know what a GAF score was. Which let me know, this worker is NO social worker at all. Sad, really, that social workers get such a bad name from people who are not actually in that field.)We got a new microwave today. A small blessing, but still, I am grateful! I spoke with the coordinator of his summer program who told me that Little Man's violence at the program this summer has been throughly documented and to not worry about it. Oh and the nurse too, said, tell them to call me, I will talk to them! So sweet, coming to my defense. And I needed it today. So by this evening, I was feeling much less upset and more like "maybe I will survive this after all".Let me tell you though, in no uncertain terms, I am TIRED of the Trauma-Rama my life has been the last few months. Let me off this ride, or find me the "enough" button so I can push it, or something, because I am NOT enjoying myself.Oh yeah, did I mention our new school district has NO idea when they are going to be able to "find" a school for Little Man? I don't dare do much with him after yesterday, so I am pretty well stuck at home until he starts school. Which should have been tomorrow, but is not. Hopefully I will sleep better tonight. I want to thank everyone for their kind comments and emails. I really, really needed them and don't downsize the part you have played in helping me feel better. You did and I thank you.

Monday, August 21, 2006

What an incredibly horrible day I had folkies! GGGRRRR! Little Man's summer program was done last Thursday. So nothing, friday, sat, sun and now mon! Do you realize what this has meant??? Oh way too much togetherness. Today sucked in a huge way. I about lost my mind with this child's repetitive questions. I had to take him with me to the store and post office to run errands. I thought, oh it couldn't be that bad, could it? Oh stupid me. I needed to mail off Caer's ratty hatties to her, (I finished them yesterday, that was fun!) I would post pictures, except I want her to be surprised when she gets them. I fended off Little Man's grabbing the envelope and trying to write HIS name on it, oh, about 100 times. Then we went to Wal-Mart.How many times do you think he asked in his anxious, autistic way if someone was going to steal our car? Oh too many to count and enough for me to ask the clerk at Wal-Mart when she asked me if I found everything I needed if they sold guns at that store. Not for him! For me! To put me out of my misery. I decided that we really didn't need a new microwave today, at least not til Bald Man got home, because there is NO WAY I could go to another store with that child!Plus he needed blood tests today. Oh my good word. What a nightmare that was. He kicked a lady in the face, he bit me, hit, bit and kicked a couple of other people, I think it took six people to hold him down. That was ssoooo bad. He has never been that awful before. He also was a monster trying to get him out of the hospital, he dug his nails into my arm until my arm bled and I was ready to strangle him. Seriously people it was a good thing I was in a public place because I was soooo ANGRY with him. We are trying another medication to help calm him. One that sometimes has the opposite effect on children. I will never give him that drug again. Terrible horrible no good very bad day here. Right now, I am going to dump this kid with his dad, I am going to go buy a new microwave, a new book, take myself out to dinner and NOT come home until he is in bed! Oh and guess what I found out? He will NOT be starting school this week, or maybe not even next week. Oh my gosh, I really really need some help here or someone is NOT going to survive this whole deal.********* Late Monday Night Update********You guys are NOT going to believe this. I get home from shopping, (after making sure Little Man was in bed) and found out that someone had turned me into Child Protective Services!!! I want you to know I did NOT hit Little Man today. He was battling me every single step of the way out of the hospital. He was mouthing off, physically being impossible, I literally had to push or pull him every blessed step out to the car. And oh yes, I was angry, very angry! Angry, embarrassed and scared by how he was acting. He has never done anything like this before at a blood draw or been that awful in public before. All I could think, was what am I going to do? How am I going to get through another day like today. Can I do it? And then this was the capper for a really awful day. This day goes down as one of the worst days of my life, honestly. I have been crying for hours. I must say the worker was very nice and understanding, compassionate even. She said, well people saw what they saw going through the hall at the hospital, but none of them have taken on a child like yours, bothered to adopt and care for such a special needs child. And my two cents: Why the heck didn't they offer to help me get him out the car? They can take their judgement and their perfect children who would never act like that and put it... grrrr, somewhere! I am scared, really scared. What are we going to do if we can't take him anywhere anymore? I will call his shrink's office tomorrow, we have got to change things. Please tell me tomorrow will be better!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Today I am not angry, today I am just so sad. Last night I dreamed something, (I don't remember what) and I just sobbed and sobbed in my dream. The tears I can't allow myself today. Perhaps someone out there has some wisdom for me, to help me disengage from my children's choices and yet still love and rejoice in them. I have such a hard time when they do stupid things, things that seem so obvious to Bald Man and I as really bad decisions. They don't see, and I know they have to take their own paths in life, but it is just so hard when you CAN see it is not a great idea and they just won't listen. I find it impossible (so far) to distance myself emotionally in one area and not another of their lives, well particularly with Princess. She has depended on us, especially me, this last year, as a single parent, financially, emotionally, physically. When she was sick, she came home, I put her to bed and took care of the Pea, more than once. When she was upset or struggling, she came to me also. I feel so kicked in the face by her deceit and cruelty with Pinhead, (ha, I have always said he had a small head anyway! So Pinhead he is until he proves himself a man to our family), I feel used for her own ends. When things are tough I always want to run away, and this time is no different. I wish it was November and that we were moving to MO. Thank goodness Little Man has summer camp today, because I really need some space. Good thing I don't have any money or I would spend it! Good thing I have a couple of dollars if I want to see a movie and eat popcorn. Good thing I have you guys, you give me strength.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Children are an awful lot like puppies and kittens, they are sooo dang cute when they are small! I suppose that is one of the reasons why Bald Man and I had so many, we were so enamored of little people. Well my internet peeps, beware, because just like puppies and kittens they grow up and then they are NOT so cute.We were just informed by Princess that she is marrying the guy she dated in high school whom we all despise! I didn't like him then, don't like him now. I wish there was something good to say about this whole thing, but there just isn't. This boy's father is an abusive so and so, (we know this because oddly enough, JJ's best friend is the youngest son in that family). When these two were in high school, when Princess broke up with him and even before, there were alot of cues that he was or would be abusive. After they broke up, well, that was a wake up call for us. He stalked her, screamed at her, swore at her, it was horrible and we were so glad when he joined the military and left the area for a couple of years.Egad I really detest being polite to people I despise. I worry about Pea, that this awful man will do something to her one day when his temper runs short with a child that is not his. I am too upset to even think straight right now. I am furious at Princess and just in despair about how stupid my children seem to be. I don't know what in heaven's name I did to deserve all of this. ARRGGHHH!!! I am just beside myself. I am praying and hoping this move to MO goes through, cause I just want far away from the stupid things she is going to do. I predict now, maybe 5 years or so. A couple of kids more and she will be divorced. Stupid, stupid child. It wouldn't be half as bad if Pea wasn't involved. But she is and I am so scared something will happen to her and I am soooo angry at Princess for dragging this sweet baby through this whole stupid thing.Maybe, maybe, a small corner of my mind and heart wants to be so wrong about this, for him to prove himself not to be the idiot he has been so far... but it is such a small hope, so little and easily crushed.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

I wonder how many google hits I will get with that post title? I have been so busy my plump little bloggy dumplings. But good busy, not bad busy. First let me thank all of you for being so understanding and on my family's side for basically saying no to a primary calling. I certainly don't feel guilty, but it is nice to know some people actually understand WHY I just can't do it.I have had out of town company for the last few days, so there has been much scurrying around and happy fibering happening in the Casa Tangled. But it has left me with little time to blog and even little time to do important stuff, like sleep! But I am having fun and Bald Man is being such a sweetie about all the time I have been goofing off. And now without further ado, let me tell you what I mean by my post title. In my happy fibering, which means needle felting for me, I came up with a clever, clever little thing to needle felt, want to see?? Of course you do!!!!

This is Peter the RAT-BIT!! Ha ha, do you get it?? Rabbit? Rat-bit? No, ah well, sometimes my humor does not translate well. I still think I am clever for making them, and Peter? Well, lets say he tolerates them. I just might have to make some for Caer's rats too!!

I have already sent Cute Overload copies of the pictures. One of my life's goals is to have a picture published on Cute Overload. Maybe this will do the trick???Talk to all of you soon!

Sunday, August 06, 2006

I did the big No-No today. But before I tell you what I did, you need to know the background info so you can understand why what I did was such a no-no. Church, (it is sunday after all!) in our Church, it is all volunteer, no one is paid. Families go to church, that means kids too, and with Mormons, it means ALOT of kids. We have three meetings. Sacrament meeting, singing, talks, taking of the Sacrament, (communion) bread and water stuff. Families all attend Sacrament meeting, from newborns to the very old. Sunday school which is divided into classes according to ages for the kids. Children under 12 years old go to primary for the following two hours. Kids older than 12 go to sunday school and then Young Womens or Young Mens, the grown ups go to Sunday School and then Relief Society for the women, and Priesthood for the men. How people get into teaching these classes is they are "called" into them by inspiration, (desperation I think sometimes!) I have been called as a Sunday school teacher for the grownups, I taught that for 5 years, loved it, taught Relief society and in the early years of my marriage I taught primary for about 9 years. Today after church, Bald Man said someone from the Bishopric wanted to talk to us. Uh oh, calling time! I was hoping for like Ward Newsletter. Nope, they wanted to call me to Primary. Uh, not so hot with Little Man. He has a ton of anxiety about me. He can not see me and not have me. When he sees me, he must be on me, near me, having his hands in my hair. I tried to teach Primary in our last ward, went to hell for the following three weeks. Little Man screamed himself hysterical in the car with Bald Man while I was teaching and then proceeded to fill the rest of our Sabbath Days with melt downs. I gave up. I figure Jesus loves my boy as much as He loves anyone and he never meant for my child to be as miserable as he was.So today, without saying outright no, I did say that I thought and Bald Man said his piece about how this probably would not be a good thing for our boy. We would be willing to try it, but it would most likely not work with our boy's needs. Because these callings come from God, saying no is frowned upon, so it was with trepidation we sort of said no, but wanted to make sure we were willing but not able. Our bishopric took it well and withdrew the request quite nicely. And I must say they were most understanding about our boy's needs. I must say the LAST calling I would want is teaching primary. I have a young man here, who is more work than most newborns, and honestly on Sunday, I just want a break, thanks, but no thanks. Ward Newsletter, God, please???