Peter Costa: The decline and fall of my New Year's resolutions

Monday

I just want to report that after two full months, I have utterly failed to follow even one of my New Year’s resolutions. I blame global warming.

I just want to report that after two full months, I have utterly failed to follow even one of my New Year’s resolutions. I blame global warming.

The Bermuda-like weather has prompted me to take more outdoor strolls to buy food from vendors on impulse. My early morning coffee run is followed with a mid-morning latte with cinnamon roll.

For lunch, I brown bag it to save money and eat on the picnic table at the library under an oak tree that is holding on to its leaves like a terrier tugging on a towel.

After devouring every molecule of lunch, I wander over one block to the ice cream parlor on Main Street and dive into two scoops of Cherry Garcia. The sun shines brightly, making my waffle cone more pliable and porous. Soon my tie has a DNA-like spot that absolutely confirms to all onlookers that I am losing my daily battle with calories.

Working out every day on my home gym has faded away. I usually try to put off any exercise until I am fully warmed up and fueled with coffee and crumpets. I also don’t like to exercise too soon after lunch, so I find myself with a 30-minute exercise window at 3:30 p.m., which always seems to slam shut by more important things like removing all the renewal cards from this week’s New Yorker magazine.

My resolution to read an economist every day to try to understand the global economy has failed as badly as an under-funded hedge fund. The financial markets move mysteriously, up and down, at will, which I don’t understand.

Trying to say something positive each day has taken a surreal turn. “At least inflation is being kept at bay by the recession.” Or, “The downtown traffic is a good sign people are going back to work.”

My pledge to watch only an hour of television daily has morphed into one hour viewing “Storage Wars,” one hour with “Operation Repo,” and one hour with old “NCIS” episodes.

My resolution to save a little money each day faded into oblivion when I discovered how easy it was to remove the base plug from the piggy bank. The coffee shop people eye me wearily each morning when I give them nearly $4 in dimes and nickels.

I think the only solution to resolutions is to resolve not to make any. That way I may actually keep one of them next year – unless the winter is unseasonably warm.

Peter Costa is a columnist for GateHouse Media. His latest collection of humor columns, “Outrageous CostaLiving,” is available at amazon.com

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