FOLLOW US

Heart attack suicide bomber leaves shoppers with moral dilemma

A suicide bomber in London’s Oxford Street was foiled this morning after being struck down by a heart attack that left shoppers unsure as to whether they should try to revive him.

Several onlookers went to help him including a doctor. ‘I went to check his pulse,’ said Dr Maurice Morton, ‘and saw his thumb near the ‘send’ button. The text read: ‘Allah be praised and get those virgins ready.’

‘Tricky one,’ the doctor put it to the crowd, ‘having a heart attack, resuscitation required; on the other hand, bomb.’ Frantic activity with a defibrillator kick-started Abdul’s heart, but it stopped again when he was hit with a Taser gun. Then the bomb squad moved everyone back, confiscated the mobile and covered him in sandbags. Dr Morton protested but Sergeant FitzGerald from the anti-terrorist branch told him to ‘stop being so gay’. ‘Think of me as representing a third-way philosophy,’ he said; ‘it’s usually called Shoot the Bastard, but in this case I prefer Oops I Just Pressed Send.’