British did a Do

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Overview: What can I say? You have to read this report to believe it. -Security Captain Juan Edit

Statement: So, it started as a nice day at Site-██. I was working the call line as usual and suddenly the alarm goes off! So I hop off my chair to see what's happening, only to find a large sphere emitting from the keter containments. Didn't know what SCP breached, didn't want to find out, looked like an XK class ender. So, I'm running to Gate B when the floor collapses, to which I find several people donning astronaut suits on. I ask one of them what's all this to which he replies 'Dude, we're gonna take these escape pods to the ISS.' At first I thought he meant Isis, but then I realised he meant the International Space Station. So, I get a suit (Which was the last one) and hop on. See, I thought the rides at 7 flags were enough, although being ejected a mile up into the air at the speed of sound is pretty terrifying as well. I looked out of the only window to see that Site-██ was completely engulfed in that sphere thing. So we get to the ISS, to which I find a bunch of terrified astronauts. I ask a couple of them what they think will happen, to which they all reply 'We're [EXPLETIVE] bro.' After watching this Sphere engulf half of America, I sit down and open up my phone to find I have 4G up here. I watch some videos of 'The end is here' 'Throwing sandwiches at the sphere' and 'Cats & the sphere.' After getting bored of watching idiots do idiot things in the end of days, a speaker comes on saying 'EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY, SYSTEM FAILURE! ALL PERSONNEL TO THE NEAREST POINT OF ESCAPE!' A lot of people just took it in and knew this was their last couple of minutes. One guy, who I think was Dell Conagher, took out a metal deck chair with a little umbrella and a couple of beers on the side out of a toolbox and drank away while burping. I noticed a couple of people running somewhere, and followed them. I saw just at the end of the corridor was a small space craft and three people were running to it. Being a star player in my school rugby team, I charged ahead and knocked two out of my way. The third guy, who I think was Vince Chung, almost made it but I knocked him back. Now, working a call line gives you a lot of skills, but piloting a experimental Space Craft was not one of them. So, I press a couple of buttons, and would you know it I did it! I unlatched from the port and using my skills from playing the Battlefield 4 I piloted it and faced it towards an open place away from earth. I looked around and saw a big button that said 'Warp speed!' I press it, and I'm fired off into the great unknown!

So, looking through my supplies, which was a Mars bar and a bottle of Dr Pepper, I thought 'Oh well I'm screwed.' Then I thought 'No, I'm going to science the hell out of this.' Now it was around day 69 where I'm still sciencing the hell out of stuff, I take a little nap. And I had a dream, and in that dream I saw a man who I can only describe as The G man. I'll never forget what he said to me in that dream "Wake up wake up Mr. British, Not that I wish to imply you have been sleeping on the job. No one is more deserving of a rest. And all the effort in the world would have gone to waste until... well, let's just say your hour has come again. The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world. So, wake up, Mr. British. Wake up and smell the ashes." I woke up then, to find myself in my office. Everything was so normal, nothing was wrong, people looked at me a bit weird when I asked them 'What happened and is my pet owl okay?!' And that is it. Make of what you will. But that was all real.

Conclusion: Dr. British has either started a meth lab or has been in the most surreal experience any of us could imagine. We're not to sure how this is possible, and how he experienced this, but we're quite certain that he just wanted to get the day off. -Dr. Tekno Edit