The Strauss Tapes Part X

The Tooting Trumpet is pleased to learn that the bugs in the England dressing room are still working. A package has arrived at the Trumpet’s door. Postmarked “Guyana – we’re not an island, honest” inside was a tape, a transcript of which appears below.

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“So I had the spreadsheet out and that, gentlemen, is the benefit of a private education.”

“Anyway, enough of Duckworth-Lewis (pictured above), even if they are just about the most effective partnership between two Englishmen all winter”

“Belly – can you nip downstairs and send an electronic Mothers’ Day card to my mother? She knows I’m busy, but she’ll appreciate the thought. You should still have that text in your phone with her address in it from when you sent her a birthday card yourself – not that it did you much good.”

“Okay – back to the cricket: well, ODI cricket anyway. Whose turn is it to open with Ravi? Is it mine again? Okay, I’ll go up top, KP you’re at three… it doesn’t help pointing at Owais, you’re doing three and don’t even think about running me out.”

“Colly – aren’t you the form batter? Keep it up and you might be captain of this side one day. Don’t laugh KP.”

“Harmy? Harmy? Why so glum? You took a decent catch and England won in the rugger and even Aus are getting monstered by AB de Villiers and co and you’re sitting there like, well, like you do. What’s he saying Colly, I can’t understand that. Newcastle in the bottom three? God I’d missed that, but you’ve cheered me up no end”

“Right, who’s joining me in watching England in the World Cup Final? No not Botham’s bloody DVD of 1992 Final, the Women’s XI are taking on New Zealand tonight! What – none of you?”