So April is a Jason O’Mara fan who was already on his page when I got there and all hell broke loose and Mr. O started to probably drink way too much to try and dull the pain of the mayhem that was taking place on what used to be his nice, calm, mature-ish fan page. I don’t think that many people liked me so much when I first showed up there. But I’m used to that kinda reaction so it doesn’t phase me a bit. But now I think they’ve mostly accepted me. And April and I have developed an interesting FB relationship in which we exchange witty banter whilst completely taking over every single thread on Jason’s page. Hence the sorrow he must surely feel. Anyways…I decided to marry April yesterday, after this exchange in which she mentioned that we should get parts on Terra Nova because she had read that they hired an Australian girl who had a good American accent. And duh…We are American, so ours are probably better. Well, unless I’ve been drinking. So this begins after she asks me if I’m in for a trip to Australia to audition for parts:

Me: Totally in. But I don’t wanna act. I wanna direct. Or write. Man oh man the scenes I could write…. I’m a behind the camera type of girl. But I’m totally in for the ride. If it’s first class and I got my onesie. I‘d totally risk death by dino for a chance at planking one. I’d be a planking super star and I’d hire ABBA to follow me around singing “Planking Queen” everywhere I went. And I would be oh so very very happy. And Jason…with all the awesome stuff that is surely on your set…I cannot believe you haven’t planked me something. If you’re too uptight to plank, make someone else do it. Surely you can talk someone into it. Just use your cute smile and accent to do the trick. You will be my hero. And believe me, that’s hard to do.

April: ABBA could do an entire album about you. The Planker Takes it All, Planking Me, Planking You, Take A Plank On Me. Then it would become a Broadway musical and a film starring Meryl Streep and Jason, who would both win Oscars. Wow. As for me, I just want my onesie and a kickin it stage name for my screen debut in which I am eaten by a dino.

Me: I don’t wanna get eaten by a dino. I wanna plank it then slide down it’s back like Fred Flintstone then use my mad mad karate skillz to break them, tame them, and turn them into my dino army so my hobo army can ride them. Then when the zombie apocalypse hits I’m so freakin’ ready to rumble that it’s insane.

Me: April…I think we should get married.

April: Only if the ABBA dudes Benny and Bjorn officiate, and Jason is joint best man.

Me: Can a Koala be the ring bearer? No pun intended.

April: Yes, a koala can be ring bearer, but not one of those hairless, fanged ones that kills people. It might get jealous of the ABBA dudes’ long flowing hair and attack them, and then there goes the ceremony, unless the ABBA chicks filled in, but who knows what the heck happened to those two.

Me: They live in my attic and help my with the hobo organ harvesting ring. They lure them into my kidney-stealing clutches with their angelic singing. Then I does what I does.

April: Ah…that answers a burning question I’ve had for the last 30 years or so. But I thought you were going to work strictly behind the camera? Sounds like you’ve written an entire season starring yourself and your hobo army. Mind you, a super awesome season.

Me: It can all be filmed on my home video cam for all I care. I’d rather it didn’t see the airwaves. But my creativity knows no bounds. And I think that once the people at FOX got their eyes on what I had done, they’d probably be begging me to broadcast it. Emmy’s, Globes, critical raves would surely follow. But alas, I am deep down, a behind the scenes girl. So I would say, “Sorry Spielberg”, or Stevie Berg as I calls him, “Thanks for the offer, but I’ll just take a copy of that on a DVD and be on my way. Unless you wanna give me an ET. And one of Indy’s whips. Then we’ll talk, yo.”

April: See, I would want an ET, the mechanical shark from Jaws, one of those big head alien dudes from Close Encounters and a lock of Harrison Ford’s hair. And that super cool computer screen thingie that Tom Cruise used in Minority Report. You’re letting him off too easy.

Me: I’m not all needy like you, April. Heck. I’d be happy with a Stevie Berg/Mr. O plank. Or a Mr.O and Scary Slang plank. Oh who am I kidding…I need me an ET likes I needs me some air.

April: I’d be happy with a Stevie Berg/Mr. O plank. But I would like to have that mechanical shark so I can plank it.

Me: Maybe instead of a fancy car to drive us away at the end of our wedding, we plank the shark and he swims us away.

April: I kinda like the idea of riding off on the bike with ET, but the shark idea is cool, too.

Me: If we do the bike I call basket.

Susan (Another fan):Patti–if Jason doesn’t want to plank, he should get Steve Rizzo to do it for him. What are stunt doubles for??

‎Me: @Susan… At this point I don’t care who at TN does the planking. I just needs me some planking! STAT!

April: Now calm down, Patti. The whole point of this post is that we’re all going to use our amazing American accents to get speaking roles in Terra Nova, and then we’ll get kick ass stage names and hang out on the set.

Me: Oh yeah. I got the planking fever. Sorry. When it gets high I lose focus.

April: You got a fever, and the only prescription is more planking! I get it lol.

This is the travel onesie we speak of. Long story, but it was actually Jason’s idea.

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