Trust vs Concern

Fear often comes from when something bad happened to us before and we're afraid of it happening again.

In some ways fear is good. We recognize that a stove is hot because we've burned our hand on one in the past, so we know not to touch a hot stove. We learned a good behaviour from the experience.

But where fear is not good, is when we're worried about a possible outcome in the future.

Where I see this come into play all of the time is in relationships.

If the person you're with has never really done anything to betray your trust, than being afraid of what's going to happen in your relationship with them is not actually based on that person. You're basing it off your previous experience, in which you experienced pain and you're afraid of that happening again in the future.

A fear of the relationship not going well is not based on the relationship, it's based on your previous relationship. That is what we call "emotional baggage". 🙂

You can know whether you're experiencing this or not, just by common circumstances.

There's always going to be miscommunication, there's always going to be something that was said or heard, somebody told you something where the possibility to question the trust in your partner comes into play.

But you need to look at where this comes from.

So let's say you see or hear something that your significant other possibly did. Maybe you saw them do something on social media, or you hear from a friend that they were discussing something that was inappropriate--whatever. So, you have two ways to view this:

You have the way that is based on your past experience, which is, "Okay, why is he doing that? I can't believe he did that to me. Why is he flirting with other people? Does he not love me? Is he already cheating on me? Is there something I don't know?"

This thought process and negative dialogue is not based on what is true and what is real, it's based on your imagination being afraid of an outcome that happened to you in the past (or you saw it on TV). But it doesn't make it real, because you're imagining it.

Then there's the other scenario:

We can't always instinctually change the way that we initially feel. So once again, that fear is an emotional thing that has been triggered from something in our past.

But somebody who is very conscious and aware of themselves can look at this situation and think, "Okay, I'm afraid. I recognize that that fear is okay. I know my partner loves me, and I know my partner trusts me."

Sometimes you need to remind yourself of that very simple thing.

Then you can go to your partner, and you can discuss the subject without accusing them of being a certain way.

There's the option of coming from a place of trust or a place of fear.

10 years ago I wasn't as emotionally intelligent as I am today. I experienced something with my girlfriend at the time that I could not make sense of.

Everytime we had even a small fight, she would accuse me of cheating on her, with no basis in reality.

When she would do this I would think, "Oh, well she's crazy." That was my common male defense: "She's just crazy. I don't get it."

Had I known what I know now, I would have sat down with her and said, "Why do you think that? Where does that come from? Who cheated on you in the past? Let's let that person go, because I'm not that person. Let's forgive that person and move on with your life, because that pain that you're still holding onto is now affecting us."

That might be a difficult conversation to have, but maybe you can recognize these patterns.

If you immediately are insecure or jealous or fearful of what your partner might be doing, is that because of what your partner is actually doing, or because you're afraid you're going to have an outcome like you've had in the past?

Listen, if your partner betrayed your trust before, you should still forgive them and move on. If they continue to betray your trust, well then you're not with the right person.

There's a difference between basing it on the person for who they are, and basing it on the person that's in the past.

You should forgive early, always and often with somebody that you're in relationship with.

But if they make the same mistakes over and over and over again, well then that person actually didn't learn from those mistakes, and they're not changing and you should consider where you're going to be, or who you should be with.

Regardless, trust is a much more comfortable place to be.

Even if you discover that your partner is seeking attention outside of you, than you're just going to have to trust that you'll find somebody else that won't do that.

So it's not just trusting your partner, but it's also trusting yourself.

You're going to be okay, and you can make decisions to best suit your needs in any situation.

Do you struggle in your relationships, or want to learn more about communication? Let's talk!