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Help, p/a, npd

I have been trying to get a divorce from a diagnosed p/a(2008), with very strong npd traits, he probably is npd, just never had the testing done to see what cluster he fits in,

We own a house together, that cannot be sold because the dumbass cut out a piece of roof truss,he did this about 6 months before he left,shortly after his diagnosis, no one can get a mortgage so for anyone to buy it they have to have cash, with what is owed on the mortgage and the repairs that need to be done puts the value above what the market says it is worth. Dumbass was ordered in February to get my name off the mortgage and the deed, his lawyer in March lied and said they were waiting for the documents, in April dumbass lied and said that the bank wouldn't give him a mortgage because of the economy, in May he admitted that there was never any contact made with the bank to have my name removed.

At the end of August the house repairs are supposed to be completed and pass an inspection, he has done nothing, so by the end of August he will be in contempt of court for the 5th time. Contempt is a hard charge to bring forward in divorce cases in Canada, it can be done but it is very costly

We had the house appraised in 2007, the appraisal came back lower then market value, structural damage was done after appraisal, because there is no job completed properly,many jobs half done, example put in new shower stall in 2005, it leaked from day 1 because dumbass didn't make sure the floor was level,cut into the top of a brand new jacuzzi tub , put the wrong taps in, takes 45 minutes to fill a 1 person tub, put laminate flooring in on top of an old warped floor, work done on house without building permits, on a little funny he had a melt down when the appraiser was here in 2007, the appraiser kept pointing out all the issues, dumbass couldn't handle it, had a melt down, other things wouldn't pay the taxes so the town levied $17,000.00 against the mortgage, making monthly payments go up to almost $1900.00, the bathroom is full of black mold, infact if you don't pour bleach around the base of the shower stall on a weekly basis, fungus actually grows, like those things you see growing on rotting trees. Dumbass moved thousands of miles away, and I am the one left with house and all it's issues, dumbass acts like it is a great favor to me that I get to live in the rotting house

In May I was awarded spousal support, half of my support is going to pay for the mortgage, so it makes it so I can't even afford to move

I have never received the proper child support which is off the books now because both my kids have graduated college, he only has paid a portion of the youngest ones tuition after he found out she was receiving EMDR therapy

We have been in court many times, everytime I win, but the problem is that he doesn't follow the court orders, in May I got the order to have his wages garnished, but now he is quitting his job, to start his own business, he actually had the nerve to ask the oldest child who majored in business for help, which the oldest ignored, neither kid wants anything to do with him because of past abuse, not physical, just emotional verbal, and of course dumbass always put himself and others ahead of me and his kids, in 2005 his kids begged him to get counselling, he wouldn't

I need help, with how to get him to do what is right, this divorce has been drug out for 4 years, there is 10's of thousands owed in back support, I can't afford to do the repairs, firstly because I don't receive the proper support, secondly I can't do some of them myself because of a disability

To top things off he has been with several different people in the last 4 years, and he gets them to harass me, that pisses me off, not one of these people have even met me, nor seen a picture of me, the latest one refers to me as a trophy wife, because I'm better looking then her, and repeatedly says that her "hubby" doesn't want to divorce me, he says she is an alcoholic junkie,

How do you get these personality disorders to do what is right, I'm held hostage because of him, unable to start my new life

Any ideas will be greatly appreciated, I know some of you wise people have been through this yourselves,

Chrysalis123 posted 7/23/2013 07:01 AM

Welcoe HMMS.

There is a great place on the "I can Relate" section of this site, called the NPD thread.

There you will find people dealing with NPD, dubasses like yours. In fact, we joke around about the collection of caulk guns along with all the unfinished projects.

We call ourselves "The Tribe". Please come visit us. You would fit right in.

I a sorry you are dealing with this.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 7:02 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Kajem posted 7/23/2013 07:26 AM

What Chrysalis said.

What would happen if you walked away from the house?

I would do everything in my power to give him as little control over my life as I could. When it comes right down to it, unless the court imposes consequences to his (lack of ) actions, He has no reason to change. If it costs you too much money, emotional energy, time, etc. to enforce the court orders or stay. it might be a better investment to leave. Your losses might be less than staying.

Here in the states I can do a quit claim deed and get my name off the property, it is the first step to getting off the mortgage. Is that available to you?

devistatedmom posted 7/23/2013 11:31 AM

hemademesingle, do you know any real estate agents? Even a friend of a friend you can just talk to? Just go ask them how you walk away and let the bank take it. Your credit is getting ruined anyway because you can't pay for it, you can't live in it by the sounds of it...so go see what you can do and get a fresh start. It can't hurt to talk.

Tearsoflove posted 7/23/2013 17:00 PM

If you're going to walk away, go rent someplace while you still have decent credit. Then walk away from the house.

hurtbs posted 7/23/2013 17:23 PM

1) Consult your lawyer

2) Get estimates on the repairs and see if you could recoup the costs from him (I'm guessing by lawsuit) if you make them for the house to be sellable

3) Think about the consequences of walking away from the house and filing bankruptcy.

I was married to a P/A. You cannot *make* them do anything. Sometimes they will listen to the law, sometimes they won't - and will claim what a victim they are when you haul them into court (how dare you enforce consequences?!). The only reason I got money and things I needed from my ex is because his parents threw money at the problem and pushed for it. They essentially ran his side of the divorce (they tried to run my side).

[This message edited by hurtbs at 6:47 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Ashland13 posted 7/23/2013 18:46 PM

Something similar is going on for me, with a nearly ExH of same diagnosis as yours, HMM Single.

"Our" house is not so much deterioriating, but I can't keep with all it needs. It's manual, with many manual daily chores that I simply cannot do now.

Nearly ExH is still paying the bills but not on time and sometimes only when my lawyer "notices" and makes mention to ExH's lawyer.

One way he will help, though it is the most minimum he can get by with doing-one way that seems to reach his NPD self is when I can find a consequence to him personally or a personal gain, like with value attached. It doesn't always have to be money, but that's best. If it makes him look good or he can think so, he may help with something.

Or if it benefits DD, he may help with something, so that's the angle I generally use.

Also, I try not to "ask" or bring up pointed things, even when it's a particular need we have. I try always to use open ended questions or a few options and sometimes a favorable reply will come back. If I can get him to think he thought of a thing himself, it's okay. If he thinks he's in control of something needing doing, it's okay and goes by in peace.

I work hard not to make any of it about myself and it helps, even though it's about you in your house or us here, in reality. If you can make it about the building itself or the money or your children, sometimes that speaks to an NPD person because they can use it for ego and self purpose-even kid related things.

I can relate to why the others say "walk away" and also relate to that being very hard. It's been suggested to me and our house was valued lower than expected, but as you mention, the unfinished things speak volumes for themselves and are noticed more than the finished things.

And he is having realtors come without coming to do his "share", things he promised while we are here, so it looks worse than it could.

I've learned to put up with a lot with the house rather than ask him and sometimes he will see something looking sad or broken and just fix it. And it sounds like you have, too.

hemademesingle posted 7/24/2013 08:41 AM

Thank you for all the responses

I am planning on walking away, I think that my children (24 & 20) are going to stay in the house, they will only have to cover the bills and their food, and they can keep the lawn cut

He has me over a barrel as far as the mortgage is concerned, he is primary, part of the court order is he has to continue to pay the mortgage, which is part of my spousal support, so instead of me getting full amount I get full amount minus the mortgage payment, the mortgage payment has always came out of his account

The court order from May stated that the repairs are to be done by the end of August, and they must be up to standards,if they don't get completed he will be in contempt of court for the 5th time, with him not being qualified to do the repairs it is to be contracted by a reputable company, to date he has done nothing, dumbass wants to be able to come back and do the regular repairs like paint fix bathroom, yet he heard the judge in February state that no he will not be the one to do any repairs,

I have had real estate agents in, they won't list it, not just because of the structural damage, but because with what is needed to pay out mortgage, and an agents percentage, the house will never sell even for that. I have tried to sell it on my own, but whoever is interested has to have the cash to buy it outright, no mortgage company will put a mortgage on the house, the most they will get a mortgage for is the lot. The bank will be running the mortgage in an open mortgage soon as the mortgage is coming due with in the next few months.

There is also no insurance on the house or any of my contents (most have been moved from the house) because of the structural damage the house can't be covered nor my contents

He sends stupid messages like oh he wants to be back for sweet corn season, cause where he lives the corn is shitty, poor little him,cause where I have been forced to live is shitty,

He's a master manipulator, he knows he keeps me tied to the house, we got married on the back deck,

It has been a 4 year nightmare trying to get this resolved, he still has not submitted all the paperwork that has been requested numerous times by the courts,

Sometimes it just makes me want to scream,

trebleclef posted 7/24/2013 10:02 AM

I get it HMSS, I truly get it. My situation is similar with a similarly PDed XH. We are trying to sell the house too. He too has/will not do the repairs etc necessary. ( he lives in the house and doesn't want to move so there is no motivation to sell) I have made myself go over and do much of it myself - just finished attaching rocks to the fence for the umpteenth time because XH hasn't done the mortaring between the stones that he "said" he would do last fall. Deadlines have come and gone. Our mediator just terminated us because he wouldn't keep any agreements he made. So- tomorrow I'm over there doing the mortaring. Last week I made and installed 20 cement post caps. People keep saying "of course he won't do it - he knows you will" but they don't understand that when you are dealing with a P/A, if YOU don't do it, it will NEVER get done. I'm hoping that if I can just get stuff finished it will sell. That is if he stops sabotaging showings. Yesterday he sent me this:
" I think the house showing went well. I'm trying to keep it tidy".
TC: " the tidiness did not disguise the stench of rotting food".
I didn't bother mentioning the overflowing cesspool in the dog run or the foot-high weeds and quackgrass or the dead hanging baskets etc etc etc. Once he even left a plate of human excrement on the stairs during an open house.

So I truly understand what you are dealing with. My lawyer "divorced" our divorce judgement from property settlement so that that could go ahead, due to the endless procrastination on settlement.
Should get the final papers any day now. If you are in Canada you should be able to do the same.

My house is not in the same condition as yours but I have seriously considered walking away, and I might yet, in order to have no more contact and crazy-making.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd run, not walk. This is not going to get better. You cannot make him do anything, and if he's P/A trying will make it worse. He's not going to fix it. He's not going to pay to fix it. He's going to agree and then do nothing, because that's who he is and what they do. And if he's NPD as well, he will enjoy it.
You are stuck in an untenable situation that you cannot change. Do whatever you have to do to make a break and start a life without him in it. Let the bank have it -as is. ( poor bank). File bankruptcy. Endure the 5 years of crappy credit until you can get your own established again if you have to. Be done. There's no fixing this that I can see.

I'm now panicking about my own situation because of your experiences with contempt of court in Canada. One of my last emails to XH was " I can't make you honor your agreements. The mediator can't either. A judge can". I was counting on that. I may have to rethink my own situation too.

Please, end this nightmare by whatever means necessary. You will survive. Do get legal advice first.
Good luck and ((((hugs))))) HMSS

Thanks Treblclef, I knew you were in a sort of similar situation, it's hard trying to deal with an idiot

The judges that I have been in front of won't severe the divorce from the financial issues, there has been no division of assets, besides his CPP has been split already, that was done several years ago

My saving grace is that dumbass actually lives in western Canada while I remain in Ontario, and he needs a court order to step back on the property, I have exclusive possession, I just won't tell anyone that I am not living on the property, I'll keep the bills in my name, my kids can just pay me what is owed for the bills, the part that sucks is we'll have to co-own the property for another 5 years so the mortgage is down to just what the lot is worth,

MyReturn2Me posted 7/24/2013 10:44 AM

(((HUGS))) I'm in the US, but I'm dealing with the same shit

Just know you're not alone, by a LOOOOONG shot!

hemademesingle posted 7/24/2013 10:54 AM

Thanks everyone, I hate to admit it but it is kinda reassuring that I'm not the only one dealing with such an idiot, there is no one IRL that has went through anything similar to me, hell they file divorce and are divorced in a year,and they have far more assets to divide,