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Dear Carolyn: Is it controlling of me to want, but not insist, that my boyfriend
of one year cease contact with his ex?

I can answer that with a yes. Would it make a difference, however, if said ex once threatened me
and called me unrepeatable names? She and I had no actual contact, but she saw me and my children
at the grocery store and called me the next day (actually, in the middle of the night) ranting and
threatening. My boyfriend says he wants to marry me, so why would he want to be friendly with
someone who treated me that way?

I am a forgiving sort, but she has never apologized. When I ask him, he denies it, but I am
pretty sure they are in fairly regular, friendly contact.

She is with someone else now, but, if that relationship goes south, is she going to impress
herself on my guy again for even more attention?

I don’t do drama. To me, this is out of bounds. Yes, I am questioning his ability to be straight
with me, but is he denying they’re in touch because I am uncomfortable with their continued
friendship?

— Yes, But

Dear Yes, But: I appreciate that you don’t want to be controlling, but it’s not
controlling to want something.

Controlling is to believe, and then act on the belief, that his role in your life justifies
doing whatever it takes to change his behavior.

An example of that in this case would be, say, threatening to break up with him if he ever
contacts his ex, and snooping to ensure that he obeys you.

If all you’re doing is growing increasingly concerned that your boyfriend is in touch with a
still-invested and possibly unstable ex and lying to you about it, then the whole control issue is
a red herring.

“Why would he want to be friendly with someone who treated me that way?” is the best question in
your question.

Do you see an awesome stepfather to your children here? I don’t, not if you’re right about his
secret contact with this ex, whatever his motives.

If instead you’re wrong and they’re not in touch — or you have zero proof they are — then I’m
wondering what the source of your distrust is, and why you’re not looking inward to make sense of
that.

Either way, if you have fact-based suspicion, then it’s time to present it to your boyfriend
calmly: “This is why I think you’re in touch with Ex and denying it.” Then use his answer to decide
whom to trust, him or yourself. Don’t stay unless the answer is “both.”