Once upon a time, Whoopi Goldberg was actually respectable. If this profile was written ten, fifteen, or twenty years ago, that kvell score would have been much higher. We would taken Whoopi's claim that her mother was Jewish, that she herself is a "Catholic Jewish girl", and ran with it. Her grandmother's name was Rachel Freedman, after all.

Whoopi Goldberg. Jewish? Why not?

Here's why not: while Rachel Freedman was her grandmother's name, she was not Jewish, but black (yes, we know there are black Jews. Not the case here). Neither is her mother; as for Whoopi's other ancestry, it's all been traced back, and there is not a Jew in sight. The one potential white spec on her otherwise black family tree is a clearly goyishe... slave owner.

And neither is Whoopi, and we're fine with that. Seriously... "Eddie"? "The Associate"? "Whoopi", the sitcom? For someone who claims to be a comedian, it seems that she's run out of material ten, fifteen, or twenty years ago...