I used to suffer under the impression that it was possible to have it all, that someone can handle a family, a house, and a job all at the same time without going insane, and that someone who couldn't was in some way deficient.

I am absolutely caving under competing interests at this point. Exhaustion is constant, as is irritation and CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome).

Let's see, what is going on?

1. Husband, who I love dearly, takes a lot of mental energy to begin with. Supergenius who I'm always trying to keep up with, and he's also ADHD. Add to that his current health difficulties (cancer, yay!) and that's already quite a bit.

2. Kids and the current legal situation. Oy. It would actually be far less stress for them to be home and be going through the normal childhood stressors.

3. Me and my health issues. Treating the ADHD is a constant challenge and requires constant upkeep as does the hypothyroidism.

4. House. With lots of life in said house. Lots to be done, lots to take care of.

5. Job. Stressful at the moment and takes 35 hours of my week away from all of the above. Plus, unlike all of the above, most of the stress of my job is completely unnecessary and avoidable. Unfortunately we desperately need the health insurance.

6. I have actual interests outside of all of the above. Real, honest interests that currently get short shrift.

Honestly, everything gets shorted right now. There's just too much. There is no such thing as efficient enough to deal with everything that I need to deal with.

One of these things is going to have to be cut.

Only one CAN be cut, and still keep my sanity.

Today Chris is headed into Spokane for a job interview. Sure the commute isn't awesome but it's doable, and the pay is above what we need for the household TOTAL (my income becomes unnecessary) and there's benefits attached.

So, so hoping he gets this. It's down to him and one other person.

If he does, the moment he gets health insurance that covers his cancer, I'm giving notice.

I can't pull off "having it all". I'd rather have what I want.

Speaking of what I want....

So I was thinking about this last night during a rare quiet moment where I was actually awake (Chris had passed out from exhaustion). There's only so many hours in any given day, in any given week. Here is my breakdown of needs.

24 hours per day
minus 8 for sleep
minus 1 for cooking and eating of meals
minus 1 for getting dressed and hygiene

So that's 55 hours right? Plenty of time left over, or at least so it seems.

Here's the dirty little secret of ADHD medication: it makes it possible to focus, but the focus doesn't last.

So I've used my 2 adderall for the day at work, where I desperately need them. I get home about the time my second dose fades, where I'm faced with a ton of really necessary, really menial tasks that need to be done. And I can't do them effectively.

The real pattern of the day ends up looking like this:

6:30 get up, pop 1st adderall.
7:00 start getting ready. Adderall starts to kick in, and I'm at about 70% of being at my best.
8:00 leave for work. Now I'm at about 90%.
9:00 finally reach 100%, while I'm at work.
11:00 back down to 80%.
12:30 take 2nd dose during lunch break (if timing coincides anyway).
1:30 70%
2:30 100%
4:30 80%. I may or may not have left work by now.
5:30 70%.
6:30 60% and I'm busy making dinner.
7:30 50%. Oh look, there's still a pile of stuff I must do.

All of my most useful mental energy and focus go into my job. None of it is left for the rest of life. When I'm busy attacking the chores that I need to do at home I am at an extreme disadvantage. I'm only running at about 50% of what I'm capable of most of the time I'm off of work.

I really, really detest this fact. I want my mental and emotional energy to be used for the benefit of my family and me goddamnit.

Now I've heard that given enough time on medication, and enough time trying to arrange life with my brain taken into consideration (specific organization strategies for example) that I may be able to "rewire" my brain to do things more naturally. Memory, for example, can be improved, and better focus is something the brain can be trained to do more naturally. Neural pathways are strengthened every time they are used after all.

I'm so, so far away from that point right now. So, so far away. Right now I need to focus on dealing with life as it is, and life as it is involves my glitchy mental RAM and shiny syndrome ("oooh look! Shiny!" aka "Squirrel!"). That's the reality of my life.

I want my best times to be in service of my family, not in service of the bank. I need to arrange life so that's what happens.