Ryan Callinan Wins Pipeline Masters Trials at “Schizophrenic” Pipe!

Australian wraps fabulous year; Hawaiian with South African accent qualifies for main event…

In onshore four-foot waves reminiscent of summertime Australia, Ryan Callinan has won the Pipe Masters Trials and, therefore, entry into the main event.

Ryan, who is twenty-six, negotiated, cleanly, two tubes, finishing a wonderfully successful 2018 where he placed fourth on the qualifying series and second as a wildcard at the Quiksilver Pro in France.

You may remember Ryan as a rookie on the tour in 2016 where he struggled, terribly, to replicate his dazzling surfing (as seen in Kai Neville’s movies) and where he finished 34th and was relegated back to the bush leagues.

Runner-up to Ryan, the South African/Hawaiian, Benji Brand, will also compete in the main event.

“I used to really hate Pipe,” says Benji here, “but I’ve grown to love it. I see it’s where the epitome of surfing and barrel-riding is. I used to be terrible out there.”

“They’re humble warriors, they throw themselves under the hood, left and right,” said Joe Turpel.

Ross Williams, moonlighting as a commentator with his star pupil still out of the game, described Pipe as “schizophrenic”, which it clearly was.

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Meanwhile, Michael Rodrigues' Instagram has been pulled, but not before this PR-approved post that said, in Portuguese and among other platitudes, "I reject all acts of violence against me, or against any other living being. Nothing justifies the aggression I have received, so I feel obliged to take all reasonable steps to ensure that unfortunate events such as these do not recur, with me, or against any other athlete and/or person.

Koa Rothman, “That was the biggest bullshit call from the WSL. A bunch of fucking corporate pussies!”

((i) Monetary Fines and Disqualification.First Offense: $5,000 USD and automatic disqualification from remainder of the Competitive Event. Disqualification may be waived in a “mutual combat” type situation.Second Offense: $10,000 USD and automatic disqualification from remainder of the Competitive Event.Third Offense: $15,000 USD and automatic disqualification from remainder of the Competitive Event.)

Earlier today, I called Koa, who’d just lost his round one heat at the Pipe Trials, for further comment.

“That was the biggest bullshit call I’ve ever seen from the WSL,” said Koa. “Tanner works a normal job at home, flies over here, doesn’t have a sponsor, gets in a fight, beats up someone who wanted a fight and gets kicked out of the contest. It was a fair fight. The Brazilian had his friends there and they ran away. It’s not like any of Tanner’s friends jumped in. The kid put his hands up. It was a fair fight. What if Tanner got beat up? Would he have been kicked out then?”

Koa pauses, winds up a little.

“A bunch of fucking corporate pussies run that show (WSL). It was a terrible, terrible call.”

I mention the relative civility of the fight. No blood, no breaks.

“I’ve seen guys end up in hospital for days,” says Koa. “That was not even close to a bad fight. Everyone’s a pussy. It’s not even the WSL’s business. It’s no one’s business. It’s the two people fighting’s business. They think they own these surfers…

“Are they fucking out of their minds? And the pussy called the cops.”

I express surprise.

“Yeah, a bunch of pussies. That’s all it is.”

#letthemswing.

Let them swing.

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Not one month ago I was shocked to discover that BeachGrit‘s Instagram account, our only real social media, was actually a sleeper cell of easily triggered social justice warriors. I had assumed, I suppose, that BeachGrit had a certain voice that attracted a certain derelict and that this derelict man, woman, child understood that surfing is best when it’s dirty. You can imagine my surprise, then, when not one month ago I posted a screen grab from the cult classic Surf Nazis Must Die featuring a girl wearing a swastika tattoo on our Instagram and was lit up with “Unfollow!” “Uncool!” “This symbol is NOT cool!” Etc.

Instagram deleted the post and I went back to my business not giving it much more thought. Today, though, I realized that along with the easily triggered social justice warriors, our Instagram is a secret cabal of extra-stoked adult learners!

I had learned from the swastika debacle and simply shared a photo of the World Surf League’s President-elect of Content, Media and WSL Studios SUPing in an elf suit but mocked it up like those classic Gotcha ads of old. You remember…

Ooooee the hell fire rained hot!

@mrbluesky11 summed it up best:

The average surfer is a possessive cunt. They surf better, they are the coolest, ‘only locals culture’. You know what fuck you. Maybe you’ve been lucky enough to live by a good spot and your father, or your circle of friends, were surfing so you got into it. Fine! clap clap! That doesn’t make you special you cunt (to you average surfer). Other people discover it later in age and get hooked too. Where’s the sin? Aren’t we living in a free world? The average surfer is a cunt, buy a piece of ocean, you cunt, and surf all the waves you want, cunt. But don’t give me the look if i get in the water in a foreign spot which is your local one, smile instead, try to know me instead of acting like a dork. We may enjoy a beer later and have a laugh.

But there are tens, maybe even hundreds by now, of similar posts, declaring the joys, passions, stoke of adult learning and casting very mean stares for daring suggest people, especially adults, should not start.

My retort? I give you a wonderful gift, dear adult learner. The gift of harassment. For if you are not vibed, yelled at, vibed some more, vibed again, made fun of, mocked, snaked, mocked again, vibed, sprayed, mocked then you will never ever ever know the true joys of surfing.

From the get-rich-or-get-poor-trying dept: Your BeachGrit approved betting slip for the Pipe Masters!

That’ll wrap in a day, just in time for a six-to-eight-foot north swell for the main event.

WSL commish says they’ll milk its tits and finish Monday.

You’ll remember our pledge three months ago to turn five c-notes into many thousands of dollars via surf gambling in the back half of the WCT season. With a $500 deposit and the advice of former WCT surfer and 2015 Fantasy Surfer champion Blake Thornton, BeachGrit planned to beat hell out of Australia’s betting agencies.

The gambling angle appeals because: All the odds for WCT events are set by non-surfers using statistics and nothing else. There is no insider trading, no quarter given to the surf forecast, no nod to a surfer’s affinity with a particular wave.

Reason: “Pat needs a result and he’s the strongest out of the three in his heat. Pat’s a better barrel rider than Willy Cardoso and Michael Rodrigues. Sea Bass is a machine out there. He’s got Kanoa Igarashi, who’s great, but in a barrel riding contest out there, he should get the nod. Jeremy Flores, for obvious reasons: a former Pipe Master, amazing barrel rider. As for Owen (against Keanu Asing and Yago Dora), all of the stuff I’ve been seeing from Pipe is of Owen. And we all know how good his backhand is. Maybe there’s a mental barrier there after everything he went though but he is looking comfortable.”

Reason: “Jordy is the strongest at Backdoor against Morais and Pupo. No reason needed for Kelly and Joan is unassumingly strong in barrels. Joel? There’s going to be a fairytale finish to his career, yeah?

Outright winners:

$50 on Julian Wilson at $7.50: Former Pipe champ. Wants a title so bad it hurts.

$50 on Gabriel Medina at $4.75: “Amazing on his forehand and backhand and he rises on big occasions. It’s all in front of him to capture.”

$50 on Jeremy Flores at $21: “A former champ who’s patient and knows the joint. The only thing I can see hurting him is if it’s inconsistent.”

$20 on Sea Bass at $21: “Everyone knows how good he surfs. It’s a matter of him surfing smart heats and not making dumb decisions. Definitely a potential winner.”

$50 on Joan Duru at $67: “This is a juicy one. He’s a phenomenal barrel rider and a standout whenever Le Grab is pumping. No one had him in the mix at Sunset at Sunset and he finished third.”

$50 on Kelly Slater at $13: “Obviously a threat.”

$20 on Ian Gouveia at $67: “Bloody Ian Gouveia! If we’re going to throw money around, and we might as well ’cause it’s the last event of the season, he’s an amazing barrel rider and I don’t see the forecast delivering anything but six-to-eight-foot barrels.”

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Listen: “The Adult Learner x World Surf League axis is bringing surf culture to its knees!”

Yesterday was a violent day in our surf world and it made me so wistful, so teary-eye’d and thankful for they are very rare now. Almost extinct. And I was thinking about this as I drove north to the Surfrider Foundation offices in piquant San Clemente on the very same morning to talk with Surf Splendor’s David Lee Scales.

Derek Rielly had forwarded me yet another The Inertia-style website over the weekend and with the combination of that, all those other ones, the actual The Inertia and the World Surf League’s forward facing image being that of an elf-costume wearing SUP riding adult learner made me wonder if finally, after all these years, surf culture is crumbling to nothing. Finally shedding any last trace of rebellion, angst, exclusivity and… cool.

Oh I know that it is trendy to think surfing isn’t “cool” and maybe never was, that surf culture is just a silly, unnecessary appendage to the act of surfing itself, but I’ve always disagreed. As a backward Oregon youth I loved to surf so very much but also needed the culture. Tom Curren and Gotcha ads defined my parameters and without them, without the VHS tapes and magazines, surf shops and surf brands I would have drowned in a sea of redneck.

Surf culture floated my dreams and still does. I put the question forward to David Lee, anyhow, the very minute I pushed through Surfrider’s doors. “Is this the actual end? Does the adult learner x World Surf League axis bring surf culture to its knees? Is this the real apocalypse?”