Grief, Love and Life After Loss

What it Feels Like for a Woman

Key the whining and complaining. The ugly-crying and drowning of sorrows in a pint of mint chocolate chip. The “Man-Hating”, and ultra-feministic points of view. You know, or whatever stereotypical depiction you may have envisioned in your head.

While the following post doesn’t necessarily follow the mission of this blog, which is to put forth everyday experiences and information about “Grief, Love and Life After Loss”, it is my blog so I’ll indulge my creative whim and also attempt an (admittedly weak) tie in, but as the mother of daughters, it’s a form of grief, and very real fear in life I have for her. Yes, her, not them. If you’ve read any of this blog before you’ll know I have one living daughter, and one who has died. If you’re a new reader, I encourage you to read more about our Miss Elliott, whose beautiful but ultimately too short life was the inspiration for this work, as well as her book: Three Short Years

As women, we’re barraged by shoulds constantly. A woman should be ____________. You decide. But don’t worry, if you can’t (and really, why should you worry your pretty little head over it?) someone else will inevitably fill in the blank for you . We’re told to smile more, but not too much. Be strong, but gentle. Speak up, but don’t be loud. A woman should be all thing sugar and spice, and everything nice. A woman should Lean In, but not make a habit of wearing too many pantsuits. A woman should…oh geez, even I’m getting tired of reading this…and I could go on and on.

Yesterday on a call for work I was speaking to a grief counselor local to the area we’ll soon be hosting our next conference and asking her about helping to facilitate some of the sessions we hold for grieving parents. One of her quotes, in particular stuck with me:

“Don’t should on yourself.”

Yes!

So here’s the point I’m getting at: don’t take a snippet of a woman, her attire, her expression, her anything, and tell her who she is or who she has to be. You don’t get to decide. And what makes you think that who you view her as is a relevant factor to her, anyway? And women, listen up: none of that needs to determine your self-worth. YOU decide…that’s why it’s called SELF worth.

I was frustrated after what was just an otherwise boring trip to the grocery store, when my husband called and asked how my day was going.

“Just another incident that reiterates how difficult it is to be a woman in our society today,” I told him. Please let me clarify. I know that in the United States we (all of us) are afforded many basic rights and needs that are often denied to others. I have no political agenda in this post, and this is not a global issues blog. I’m just opening up from a human perspective of very small and ultimately inconsequential happenstance in my own life.

While rounding a blind corner with my cart I nearly collided with another patron. It was neither of our faults, but being a generally courteous person and upholding a very low level of human decency I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, excuse me!” and smiled.

This must have been where I went wrong, but women smile sometimes. It’s not an invitation for anything. It doesn’t mean we want you. It’s just a pleasantry.

“Oh, well thanks,” I sing-song cooed over my shoulder as I tried to keep going.

“No, you really are. And I know how long it takes to do all that hair and makeup stuff because I watch Amy Schumer. Do you know who she is? She’s a little crass sometimes, but she tells us guys how it is and how much work it takes so I try to work it in to my compliments and I just wanted you to know that.”

WHAT? I think to myself, feeling pretty creeped out.

“Um ok, well thanks again…” I spat out quickly and I was practically wheels up rolling away as fast as I could (before he said something else) while he just stood there watching me leave, wondering if this creepy dude was about to follow me out to my car.

I was wearing my super chic ripped jeans and a striped tee, by the way, so you know, all that effort and all…

Be friendly, but not too friendly. Smile, but don’t over do it. You don’t want to be a bitch, (which is what someone will inevitably call you if you don’t conform to their momentary standards), the voices swirl.

All these things society continually puts on women, and here I was reiterating to my husband how due to nothing more than probability in genetics he will never have to know what encounters like these make a woman feel like. He won’t have the onslaught of unwanted and unwelcomed interactions that most women contend with, often daily.

Last week my best friend went to her regular tanning salon. She checked in and waited for the bed to become available. A man at the desk said to the clerk, “So you’re gonna give up my bed to her?” “Oh, I’m sorry. We’re you waiting for that bed? You can go ahead of me.” she replied. “Nah, I just thought maybe we could share it.” he retorted, and smiled, obviously proud of himself for such a witty come on.

“And that’s how daddy and I met,” #saidnowomanever (Google this hashtag if you’re not familiar with it).

“Uh, no thanks.” she told him. Suddenly he wasn’t smiley and suave anymore, but instantly became sullen and rude.

Though they may seem anecdotal, stories like these are an ongoing issue for many woman. Interactions that should be of no consequence whatsoever become a source of stress and discomfort and unfairly put women on the defensive. They cause women to question their everyday actions such as how they do their hair or makeup, what they wear, where they go, who they interact with, and how, etc. All of these factors, amongst many, many others contribute to what it feels like to be a woman in society today, and perpetuate the victim blaming mentality.

Without going completely off topic on another tangent, this reminds me of the best anti-rape article I ever read. It explained that when we tell our young men and boys the reason not to rape a woman is to think of her as your sister, mother, daughter, etc. all we’re doing is reaffirming who she is in relation to a man. The real reason to not rape a woman doesn’t have anything to do with who she is to them, it’s because she’s a human being, all on her own.

So? Don’t should on yourselves, ladies. Don’t apologize for your existence. Chauvinism may be alive and well, but in the immortal words of Meghan Trainor: