Judge Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he huffed too many kittens.

The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan.

In a press conference the Home Secretary assured the country that Stewart was not 'the tip of the iceberg' amid growing concerns that a cult which glorifies the sexualising of bicycles was the cause of bicycles being stolen in London following an exclusive interview in the Daily Mail with a member of the growing cult.

A patriarch of a covenant of bicyxuals, as they are now known, who wished to remain nameless denied that bicycles were being stolen for illicit sexual, or indeed religious purposes.

David Cameron argued, in prime minister's question time today, that this conviction was illegal: "This is a clear breach of the right to a family and private life." To this he added, blushing: "It is up to any man to choose whether he simulates sex with an inanimate object in his own home"