Wednesday, June 10, 2009

thank you

Thank you for all your comments. I feel extremely blessed to be surrounded by so much love and support! Many of you - and even myself - are surprised with how well I'm taking it. As I've had time to reflect, I feel like there are several reasons for this.

1) Knowledge is power. Intellectually, I know that miscarriage is very common: 1 in 4 pregnancies. I'm no mathmetician, but I know enough to figure out that that comes out to 25% or a quarter of all pregnancies. I know more women who have had miscarriages than not. My mind has wandered back to biology 100, when I learned about cell division. I think there are six steps in the process; if there is anything wrong with the cell when the it reaches step 3 or 4, it dies. I remember making the analogy to miscarriage when I was learning about that process - maybe that was to help prepare me for this moment in my life. With further study, I've also learned that most miscarriages occur because of some chromosomal defect. Your body, then, naturally terminates the pregnancy. I marvel how Heavenly Father created our bodies!

2) I know several women who have had much more heartbreaking experiences with miscarriage. My mom had several miscarriages and struggled with infertility before getting pregnant with me. In fact, they adopted my older brother thinking they would adopt their entire family. Needless to say, I was a surprise. With each succeeding pregnancy, my mom was on fertility meds just to get pregnant. After baby 5, my brother Blake - through which my mom was on bedrest for 5 months - my mom turned it over to the Lord. She felt like she had a large enough family considering all she had been through. And, after having gone through so much with each pregnancy: I was 3 months early; Heather was early and contracted pneumonia when she was 3 weeks old; Adam was 4 months early, and died at birth; Ashlee was early; Blake was early and survived the pregnancy only because my mom was on bedrest for the majority of his pregnancy. With each of these pregnancies, my mom threatened to either miscarry or enter preterm labor. She felt like if she was going to get pregnant again, it would be completely up to the Lord. And, after turning it over to the Lord, my brothers, Chase, Dane, Trey, and Zac were all conceived without fertility meds, and their pregnancies were, for the most part, healthy and normal. My mom is a tremendous example of faith!

I remember a sister in a previous ward who miscarried her baby 4 1/2 months into her pregnancy. She had just found out that she was going to have a girl. How heartbreaking - to lose your little girl - but more especially, to lose a pregnancy after you've felt life in the womb!

One of my cousins, also lost a baby when she was almost to term. She went in for a routine checkup, and they didn't find a heartbeat. She was later induced, and labored knowing that she would be burying that baby. I cannot imagine the devastation that one would feel going through something like that! She has been another tremendous pillar of faith in my life.

My experience just doesn't compare! - not when I'm going through something that is fairly routine.

3) Spiritually, I know that I have the ability to be carried through my trials when I turn to the Lord for comfort. I know that miscarriage does not determine how many children will come to my family. Responding to my attitude about this whole experience, my mom brought up a great point, why go through a mortal experience - greiving -when through knowledge and faith in the power of our Savior's Atonement, you don't have to? For whatever reason, I feel like the Lord is carrying me through this, and it is truly humbling. I feel undeserving. Yet, my heart is filled with peace and gratitude.

Thanks again for all your love and support! For lack of a better description, it's the icing on the cake - or the cherry on top of the sundae. Without it, this experience just wouldn't be the same!

4 comments:

I think for ALL the same reasons, I was okay as well. My mom had I think a total of six miscarriages and one tubal pregnancy that almost killed her. And like your cousin (who I LOVE and is an amazing AMAZING person) I had two aunts go through the same thing. Aren't we lucky to be surrounded by such amazing women?!

I would also like to say, you are an amazing example and such a pillar of faith as well! You have always been.

Tiff.. I just wanted to tell you thank you! Thank you for being such a great example! I love reading your blog and your insights because it makes me want to be a better person everytime! You are such a great example! I hope all is well with your sweet family!