A blog depicting the thoughts from the mind of aspiring author, Carla Campbell

Thursday, 12 September 2013

The Admission

Yet still, I yearn for it, each night I lay in bed and I fantasize
about it, I wonder how painful it would be as my heart races desperately trying
to keep my unwilling body alive, I think about the fear that will set in as I
feel the burning heat of my organs overworking and then shutting down one by
one. I would panic, ‘Why have I done this?!’ and then I will remember the
emptiness that filled me before, and I will decide, that I prefer this pain. At
this point I imagine I will try to relax into it, knowing some feeling is
better than the neutrality I tried to fill myself with in living days, and as
death takes hold I will welcome it with open arms and I will beg of it, ‘Release
me from this burden’.

Every night I dream of it, and every night I know I am not
brave enough to make it happen.