Growing up, or down?https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com
just a little perspectiveFri, 18 Aug 2017 04:45:22 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/https://s2.wp.com/i/buttonw-com.pngGrowing up, or down?https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com
The Funny Thing About Lovehttps://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/26/the-funny-thing-about-love/
https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/26/the-funny-thing-about-love/#respondFri, 26 Jun 2015 02:45:07 +0000http://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/?p=7]]>Yes, I know I’m only in high school and I probably haven’t experienced what to be in love really feels like, but I notice things, I always have. But I’ve felt and witnessed heartbreak. I’ve seen other people get their hearts broken to know what it must feel like.

And it hurts.

It will always hurt. You know that.

No matter what you do. No matter how far you run. No matter how many distractions you have. And that’s the problem, you don’t care about getting hurt, but you know how they’ll feel? They’ll go out of their mind. A strong emotional tether, that’s what love is. The fact that at that moment, you’d do everything and anything for that person. Love is selfless. You see everyone around you gets hurt, except you. Never you. But you do hurt. You do feel. You’ve done such a good job hiding it over the years. You’ve let yourself slip, you’ve told someone how you feel. And you’re worried. You don’t want them to view you as weak. You want them to view you as strong, because you’re the lion, because you are not weak.

And god, everything is a distraction. Because you just want something, something that for a moment won’t make you remember. But no, you’re not that stupid, you know you’ll never fully get over him. You keep on distracting yourself, making yourself numb. Being strong, being numb. And you know he’ll never see you like you want him too, but you just keep going on day after day telling yourself it’ll end, telling yourself to move on. It’s gotten to the point where you can’t even look him in the eye anymore because that evokes feelings and at this moment you don’t want to feel anymore.

Yet you are in what feels like the biggest battle. Love is a war, but it’s a war a you don’t want to fight this time, because it’s a one sided war. And it’s scary, you’re scared you’ll never get to tell him how you feel, but you know if you do, nothing will ever be the same. You’re stuck in a war with yourself if anything. A constant tug-of-war.

The worst part is, you can’t turn it off. You’ve tried. You’ve tried to feel nothing. You’ve tried to look away. You’ve tried to ignore it. But it’s a constant tug in the back of your mind. And you fight it, you fight it, but you slip up. And you fall again, you fall hard and you fall deep, you love, and you don’t just love the person, you’re in love with them. You’re in love with everything about them, their smile, their laugh, how their eyes shine at the right angle, how they hold on tight to you when you’re not okay, but not because they’re in love with you, or at least that’s what you have to keep reminding yourself, because while they may love you in a friendly type of way, they’re not in love with you.

When you were little, it was just so much easier, “love” only applied to your parents, to your toys, to movies you watched. And “love” was painted as such a perfect picture for you, “love” was easy you thought. But then you got older, and then you see, “love” didn’t mean the same thing, “love” became powerful. Oh and now you can’t say it, you can’t say it because you’re too scared to. There’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Those lines are so blurred though, and it’s easier not to say it then let yourself give in.

Falling in love is odd. You can’t pinpoint a moment when it happens, it just does. Ironic, because the one thing that’s supposed to make you happy and delirious, make you feel warm and invincible, makes you hurt. Makes you seem your weakest. But oh no, you don’t let them see you like this. You don’t let the tears slide down your face. Emotions, funny things indeed. Someone out there drowns themselves in a bottle of alcohol because of them, someone else stands on the edge of a cement roof, another takes a gun out of the safe, one puts on running shoes, one throws up.

Fascinating.

Feelings. Emotion. Love. Awful murderers these three. Why? Because you can’t control them. The thought of it kills you, doesn’t it? Because you’ve always been in control, it’s how your life has been. And you don’t want it to change. So you fight it. You keep your head just enough above the water that you won’t drown. But you’re getting tired, your arms and legs heavy, no no no but you can’t give in. You mustn’t. You have to keep fighting. Nothing makes sense to you anymore, you want to just drown, fall in love, so you don’t have to fight anymore. You can’t bring yourself to do it though. You just can’t. It’s a knife in your side, and it keeps plummeting deeper and deeper.

]]>https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/26/the-funny-thing-about-love/feed/0growingupordownReversehttps://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/19/reverse/
https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/19/reverse/#respondFri, 19 Jun 2015 21:40:50 +0000http://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/?p=16]]>Do you ever just wish you can go back and change one thing? Not say one lie that could spiral into a series of flamboyant tales. Or do say something you’ve been hiding inside yourself all these years. If I had one moment to reverse the things I’ve said and done in my youth, I would.

I would relive talking to people. My mom’s friend, who was probably the kindest most caring person ever, died recently. Looking back I realized I recognize now that in my foolish youth I took her for granted. I didn’t think much of all she did, letting us pick blueberries, letting us stay in her upscale vacation house, making me special tea. And all I saw her as was a person who gave me what I couldn’t have. I viewed her more as a person to help me escape my current life, than a person who was actually a large part of my actual life. She was an escape in my youthful mind, and when she died, I was selfish enough to think that I had lost my escape.

Yet now, two years later, I think back. I don’t understand how I could of been so selfish so stupid. Little kids are always self centered, but I’m angered with my younger self for not realizing what a good and selfless person I had in front of me. I wasted time collecting what material items she showered me in than actually listening to what she had to say. And if I could go back in time, I would. I would tell her I’m sorry, I would cry and beg her to just talk to me. This time would be different, I wouldn’t be asking for anything, I’d just be asking for her presence.

Wish I would’ve known people are so temporary.

]]>https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/19/reverse/feed/0growingupordownWhy everyone should read nonfictionhttps://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/17/why-everyone-should-read-nonfiction/
https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/17/why-everyone-should-read-nonfiction/#respondWed, 17 Jun 2015 02:04:53 +0000http://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/?p=23]]>When I was in elementary school, even middle school, all I read was fiction. I loved novels with protagonists, mythical creatures, talking animals, and scenarios that of course would only happen in books and not the real world. I think reading fiction served its purpose for me as a child, it gave me an imagination, maybe too much of one for my own good. With fiction, we can allow ourselves to escape reality, because it’s all “just a story”.

But nonfiction? Now, nonfiction cements us to the real world, to our own lives. Nonfiction isn’t fantasy, it’s not make believe, it’s something that actually happened to something or someone. And with nonfiction there’s no escaping into it, instead reading nonfiction forces you to face the issue. There is no running and hiding. It’s the truth. So, whether it’s an easy read or a biography on an individual who endured triumph and tragedy, like Louis Zamperini’s journey in Unbroken, non fiction teaches us lessons about the real world.

]]>https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/17/why-everyone-should-read-nonfiction/feed/0IMG_4206-4growingupordownThe Great Outdoorshttps://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/the-great-outdoors/
https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/the-great-outdoors/#respondTue, 16 Jun 2015 15:35:37 +0000http://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/?p=18]]> Like every other teenager, I love my phone. I’m on it checking Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and any other social media frequently. All of this media is supposed to make you connected to other people. While it’s nice to see what everyone else is doing or saying 24/7, I find myself most at peace when I’m outdoors, with my phone out away.

Recently I went for a hike near South Lake Tahoe called Maggie’s Peak. The hike was a total of 6 miles, the first three being all uphill. With my phone tucked away in a backpack, it was just me and nature. I began to notice every detail, the vibrant green lichen growing on the massive pine trees, the speckled coloring of the large granite rocks, the clearness of a blue sky, everything around me I noticed. I was kind of shocked, is this what the world always looks like when I’m not on my phone? I thought.

But maybe, as I reached the peak after those long, tough three miles uphill, I found myself. I’m not talking about an entire spiritual summit here, but I felt more in tune with my surroundings and who I was. So regardless of who you are, or where you are, when you are outside, please put your phone down, and just enjoy the great outdoors.

]]>https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/the-great-outdoors/feed/0IMG_4146-0growingupordownlooking backhttps://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/looking-back/
https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/looking-back/#commentsTue, 16 Jun 2015 05:12:36 +0000http://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/?p=10]]>its funny how life goes. Little moments turn into big ones. but we never realize the little moments, until its too late. its human error. And i know I’m just as guilty as everyone else. We are just too worried about trying to survive and get by. High school is one of these perishes. Four years trying to find yourself. yet as the days of senior year wind down, you wish you had more time. because after this everyone goes their own ways. we will never be this young again. high school is the turning point for most of us. either keep your head above the water, or drown and get left behind. And as you stand in the halls for the last time, and thank god your done with this hell hole, I guarantee you will feel a pang of sadness. because while this was a long painful experience for some of us, it made us who we are. and as you prepare for the next chapter, remember the heartbreak, remember the pain, remember the smiles, remember each day, remember these little moments. because when you are the one standing in the hall for the last time, you are going to wish you had. High school is a test, you either pass or fail, there’s no in between. and after this we all go our own ways. i know the saddest part for me will be when i stand in that hall for the last time and i realize all the people i never knew in my class because we were all consumed in our own friend groups, to notice everyone else. and i know ill flip through my yearbook and see the faces of fellow classmates who were with me all the four years, who i never even knew existed. but whether you are one of the noticed ones, or the invisible ones, don’t forget the little moments, because no matter who you are, these memories are the ones to keep. because standing in the hall for the last time, realizing you are never coming back here, that’s when you are going to regret it. you’ll regret not kissing that boy, or not asking the girl you had a crush on since the third grade to prom, or missing the track practice when you had a water balloon fight, its the little moments in the end that add up to make this one big moment that we should forever remember. because this is high school, this is our time, make every day count, because listen to me when I say these days are numbered and time will fly a lot faster than you think.]]>https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/looking-back/feed/1growingupordownWelcome to my bloghttps://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/welcome-to-my-blog/
https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/welcome-to-my-blog/#respondTue, 16 Jun 2015 04:51:01 +0000http://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/?p=5]]>I don’t really know why I wanted to write a blog. It’s not like I was suddenly inspired by someone and something. But maybe its because I want to be heard. Hell, most people won’t even read this, but if it’s something that helps get all the feeling and thoughts kept pent up inside of me, than I’m going to do it. This blog isn’t about anyone, or anything that matter. It’s just my thoughts, writing, and experiences I’ve had growing up and what I’ve noticed as I’ve grown up. With that, enjoy my little blog.]]>https://growingupordownblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/welcome-to-my-blog/feed/0RKL7TEpDBg4pgRzq1ynhph50Kb3cIA7IpDQx-Te1VblWD-Hm936_9RF81rjAVuI95VFh5N500GYTVbGEJbs_Kryr3XBYsR_XPHsH2NQ_XSEkn9XXznNVrLNLkGE-mLCayDa6aiZpWJWAEyqyrlO2ISb86OuQmy3fVg39GoeBaGBwJta-i7bt0B79HTAll6F-LvuHLe7Hx3OIIhBPvJ0Ubhg_JPbemQWOKgrowingupordown