On parenting, family, and life in general!

Doctors today

Today I go to my primary care doctor to have the follow up from when I was in the hospital. He didn’t tell me I couldn’t eat any breakfast or anything before I go, but I’m going to fast until I get there, because I don’t know what kind of tests (if any) he’ll order. I’m hoping he will order something! Just saying “You have a kidney infection” isn’t going to cut it with me anymore. So basically I’m going to go in and demand a referral to the kidney specialist (who can’t take me in until June 1st), demand they get me in with the nephrologist sooner, and demand that they do some of the legwork. I don’t want to be told that the antibiotics did their job because that’s just bullshit.Yesterday I was going to try to have a sitdown with my supervisor at work and let her know that I was having a hard time feeling like I was connecting with her. Some of that is really no one’s fault, just scheduling issues – I haven’t had supervision for two weeks! So anyway, I was all prepared to meet up with her, when she came up to me and asked if she could meet with me earlier than planned, because she had to leave in the afternoon. So I was like “yeah, sure, no problem” and we met right then. So after going through all of my cases, and figuring out where I was at with all of them, she was like “so, how’s everything else going?” And I was all prepared to lead up to how I felt that I was having a hard time connecting with her, and I got out about how I felt that I was feeling disconnected from everyone in the office (which to some degree is true), and then I was all ready to launch into how I was feeling about her, and I just got this sense that she wasn’t listening. I didn’t even approach it. Then when Cheryl asked me how it went (Cheryl is my mentor, and she would be the first person I would talk to about that stuff), I told her that I couldn’t even get into it with Tricia (my supervisor), and that what I was able to get out probably didn’t make much of an impact. She’s going to talk to Thom (Cheryl’s supervisor – who I happen to have a great relationship with), and hopefully the 3 of us can figure out how to approach this.I think part of the disconnect has come from me just being out of the office, but at the same time, I get nervous that this job really isn’t for me… I thought I was going to go at it with all of this gusto, and I haven’t. I haven’t shirked my responsibilities at work, in fact, I’ve embraced them, but sometimes I just don’t know if this was the right decision for me. It makes me so sad, I don’t even know where to start. I think I’m going to have to go back on my wellbutrin, I told John the other day. I don’t want too, but I can feel myself crashing down, and I want to put the brakes on that before I hit the bottom and do something to ruin my relationship with John, blow the chances of buying a house, etc. I love and respect John too much to put him through that with me. But mostly, I respect myself too much to let my past come back to haunt me.The worst feeling in the world is knowing that the system has failed someone. I know people that have been failed by the state, and I don’t want to let that happen. I feel like I’m taking on the world, and maybe I am, but I don’t think I would live with myself knowing I failed someone…Anyway, this is a depressing entry – I started it with the intent of just talking about my doctors appointment today, and it turned into everything about my job… I guess that’s my signal to go shower and get on with my day.