Just a guy with bipolar disorder living and blogging about random stuff in Phoenix, Arizona.

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My brain is defective

I know I should be happy. I have a great wife and wonderful children. I work at a job I absolutely love and we finally are starting to have a little extra money for luxuries, but I can’t escape these thoughts of suicide and self-harm. I’ve read and have been told by doctors that it is just part of being bipolar, but somehow I think it is just a result of having a defective brain.

Growing up I was always told I was stupid, dumb etc… I was sexually abused, made fun of, bullied and beat up too many times to count. It was only later in life when it was obvious I had very noticeable mental problems did some of the people from my past try to make amends, but it was too little too late. The damage was done and there was no real way to repair it.

I’ve been taking my therapists guidance to heart and I have cut everyone other than coworkers and my wife and kids from my life. This is supposed to cause the negative triggers to go down and eventually let me focus on making new friends. Social media has been a huge help because if a person upsets me I can just unfriend, block or unfollow depending on what site they are on. Also, with social media I have found an amazing amount of support from people who are going through or have gone through exactly what I am right now. It is such a big thing to know I’m not alone. I also appreciate the kind words from normal people who are very supportive of my journey and what I call my brain repair job.

I may not ever be 100%, but I feel like there isn’t a chance anymore of me acting upon these self-harm and suicidal thoughts now that the triggers and negative influences have been removed.