Saturday, November 22, 2008

I have to make it a point to visit Sweden some day. Just because I think I might need to see this place for myself. There are some odd going-ons in Sweden and folks there seem to be OK with most of them. I don't know if that makes them any less odd, but it certainly doesn't make them any more odd. I'm very interested in their legal system. Particularly the court which has ruled that a church, which was seeking "official recognition" as far as churches go, "had the right to be registered as a faith community." All of that according to my favorite Swedish news source (in English), The Local. But what's the big deal about that? The "church" in question is known as the Orgasmens Madonnas kyrka. (Of course it is.) Roughly translated, that works out to be "The Madonna of Orgasm Church." (Of course it does. Wait. What?)

Correct. The Madonna of Orgasm Church was founded (Translation: Made up) by a guy from the southern Swedish town of Lovestad whose name is Carlos Bebeacua. Bebeacua is not only the founder of the "church", he is also the "church's" cardinal. Self appointed, of course. (By the way, the "church" only has priestesses. How convenient for Cardinal Orgasmo there.) According to The Local, we learn in English that Bebeacua got the idea for the church "after a painting of his entitled 'The Madonna of Orgasm' sparked protests requiring police action during the 1992 World’s Fair in Seville, Spain." Huh. So he just figured that if a painting could cause complete chaos, just imagine the hell that could break loose if he had a whole freakin' church!

By the way, it's not that Madonna that the guy is referring to., I figured I should point that out because I could see where, after reading both "Madonna" and "orgasm" in the same sentence/title of something, one might become confused and incorrectly think that the velocaraptor-like, fifty something, freakishly flexible, pop singer is the one whom an orgasmic house of worship was named after. It's not. It's not about her. It's not even a little bit about her. Contrary to how she seems to think the world revolves around her, this has nothing to do with her at all. Keep that in mind.

Now, what had happened what that when Cardinal Orgasmo tried to register his "church", "the Legal, Financial and Administrative Services Agency (Kammarkollegiet as it's known in Sweden. Of course, everyone knows that!) had refused the church’s registration application on the grounds that its name may offend Christians." I don't know why they felt the need to specify "Christians". A name like that, while it might not "offend" almost everyone, it would probably wig a lot of people out just a tad. Naturally, the horny guy appealed and won. And here we are.

He summarizes his "rationale" behind his "church" by stating, "The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped." (Psst!! Dude. Little secret for ya....It already is!! People are already aware of how freaking great the orgasm is! We know! Granted, some of us know better than others (thank God!), but we know! You don't need a church to get that message across!)

Made-up Cardinal Bebeacua also says that, "The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust, it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking‘Wow!’ " (Psst!! Dude. I've got another secret for ya.....the way that orgasm is reached as it is, is just fine with most of us. We don't really want art or landscaping getting in the way of our orgasm because really, what's the point? We're not going to remember that art or that landscaping during said orgasm and we're certainly not going to remember that art or that landscaping after said orgasm. Hell, most of us can't even remember our partner's name after said orgasm (let alone our own name at that point!).

So what goes on in this "church", you ask? Other than the obvious? Well, apparently, Cardinal Orgasmo there teaches "scriptures". The "scriptures" (which I'm positive are made-up. By him, of course.) are called the Catechism of the Orgasm. (Basically, a "catechism" is a method of teaching a religious doctrine. The definition of a "catechism" is "oral instruction". Just thought I'd throw that in there for kicks, you know?) And as far as the gospel goes (again, obviously made-up), "the only gospel preached is the gospel of sex“ The reasoning behind that (other than the fact that the made-up church is called the "Orgasm Church" ) according to The Card is "It’s so we do what we know is right and good.” Uh-huh. Just because it's "right" doesn't make it "good". I'm just saying.

"During ceremonies, the priestesses read verses and eat fruit and drink juice" Huh. Sounds like kindergarten. Only without a nap and with all the sex. Eww! Ick! Oh, but of course he says that "Sex isn’t the focus." Dude, it's the ORGASM CHURCH! How can you possibly even think of saying that "Sex isn't the focus"? Unless your theory is that it's NOT the focus, it's the CHURCH! But he stands his ground when defending his made-up church against accusations that it is all about orgies and sex "byclaiming its purpose is to help people see orgasms as a metaphor for a love of life.“ Again, dude....it's a metaphor for a love of the orgasm! That's it. You're rarely thinking of much else at the time and if you are, well, I feel bad for ya. You're really missing out.

He says, "There’s nothing dangerous in what we say, we’re harmless. It’s just that we have our doubts about established religions.” You have your doubts about established religions and so you go and create an unestablished one so that there will be some validity in it for you due to all of the unestablished-ness?

Look, here's my thing...(No! Not my "thing" with sex! That's privileged information, reserved solely for....well....will you look at that! Distracted again! I really need to stay on topic. Where was I?) If you're going to concoct some sort of church that centers around your genitals because you're a horn-dog, that's one thing (and not a minor one, either). But at least, at the very least, earn yourself a shred of respect from others and just admit that's what your deal is. You can be a horn-dog (and if you've created the Super-Terrific Orgasm Temple, you probably are) and while I won't necessarily respect you for that (Translation: I won't), at least if you're not a big, fat, horny liar about it, I can respect that aspect. Not much, but some.

But really, the best thing for you to do is not make-up some fake church and then petition the courts for legitimacy. The best thing for you to do is to go home, back downstairs to your parents' basement, call that your temple and worship yourself all the live long day. Or until you go blind. Whichever comes first. (Pun intended. You didn't think I could go this whole post without one, did you?)