“When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and you are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.”~ Patrick Overton

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Friday, May 4, 2012

Struggling ...

The last few days have been, well, they have been hard and heavy and sad. Yep, just a little bit sad. For a host of different reasons. Some that my family has seen and heard first hand and others that I just carry in the restlessness of my heart. But I am going to stay true to the vibe of this blog, at least the vibe as of a few years ago and I am going to steer clear of the negativity. There was a day, at the inception of this blog, that bitterness abounded. In fact, this blog started at such a low point in my life, or more accurately, a low in Zoey's life, seizure days, that coming here to spew the ugliness, is the only way I found my way out of the darkness. And unless you blog or journal, you just won't understand that. And as much as I want and sometimes need to share and vent, even today, this space is not going to be the place

So instead, I will post gratitude once again this week. I was going to blow it off but thought perhaps, on days like today, it is just the thing I need to be doing.

1. Bathing suit shopping. Can you believe after the days I said I was having, I would begin with such a depressing thing? But I write these puppies down daily and Sunday, I was grateful for bathing suit shopping. Spent an eternity finding one. I swear those mirrors in the dressing rooms are like carnival mirrors or something. Because my minds eye just does not see it the same way as that reflection. Anyway, in the end, after being reminded that I was not 28 and telling myself, even though on some days I feel like I am 68, I actually am not that either, I opted for something that said, I suppose, almost 48.

2. Not so little boys who still like to be read to at night. Some of our best moments of the day. Lights off. Book light on. Winding down after a long day. Doesn't get much better than that. I am cherishing it while I can because I know my days are numbered.

3. Drumsticks. Not as in the the things to play the drums with but rather the ice cream. The best part is that solid piece of chocolate at the end. Am I right?

4. Sunday bike ride with Joe. Just chatting it up the two of us. Enjoying the early morning California sunshine.

5. Amazing vegetarian enchiladas. Here is the recipe but I use a chile verde sauce instead of the traditional red. And the meat lovers in my house actually like them better then the chicken. I'll convert a few more yet, I have no doubt. Jess is in my court and Caitlin is falling into line as well.

6. The show " the Killing". Sounds bad I know but it is SO good. It's on AMC and I highly recommend it.

7. Jessica trying guided meditation before bed with the boys. She is currently doing her Psych. rotation and his bringing home great little tid bits for us. Cuz Lord knows we have issues Joe liked it and Jake did as well, but said at the end " Um, that was relaxing but it kinda made me think of more stuff."

8. Matt landed a new Paramedic job with a local ambulance company. Proud and excited. Pretty stellar April it has been for Jess and Matt for sure.

9. Principles who listen. Really and truly listen. No political BS, just listens.

10. Cute Charlotte sayings. Got to start writing them down. The winner this week: As Zoey was fussing about something, Charlotte walked over, patted her on the head and said," It's okay little fella."

11. My boy Jake who loves Lego's, lives for music and has just started to become interested in learning to do stop motion. This short film by a teenage whiz kid has ignited a fire in him. Pretty cool if I don't say so myself and it doesn't hurt that it is a Coldplay song either.

12. Older daughters who help out on days that I would have gotten it all done, but their presence made everything go so much smoother.

13. The book " So Many Days". Another gift from our very favorite book lady, Mrs. Fig. If I couldn't own that darling store, I am so happy it belongs to her. Zoey is mesmerized by all books and she too loves our nightly book reading sessions. In fact, there have been evenings that she has been so tired and I try to jammie her and turn on her music to just get her settled for bed and she, without fail, signs 'book'. How could I ever say no to that?

14. Our first Special Needs meeting at church. Around that table sat a group of incredible people. Some there as professionals just wanting to lend their expertise.. Volunteers with no attachment to the special needs community whatsoever. Mostly, sitting around that table were parents yearning for guidance, support, and the camaraderie of others who "get it". There was brokenness alongside grace there last night and I think we have the beginnings of something beautiful.

15. A Starbuck's date with my dear friend Tish. Mom to our warrior friend Thomas, who guides us from above now. Zoey has always been a source of healing for Tish and watching the two of them together, I see the magic of my girl at work.

16. An occupational therapist who looks past the obstacles that lie before Zoey and see's those daunting obstacles not as unattainable but rather realizes that Zoey will get there in her own time.

My girl works so hard for the simplest, simplest of tasks, that sometimes it is difficult for me to watch.

17. Little girls who patiently wait at the back window to catch a glimpse of her daddy mowing the lawn.

18. Forgiveness from our children.

19. Stephen Colbert, who makes me laugh and who has come out with a children's book that I am so buying.

My getting to bed before one or two is going so-so. The post time of this will tell you as much. I have a lot going on in my head and in my world right now and to help clear it, I am going up the coast solo this weekend. Hoping it helps. If nothing else, it can't hurt.

16 comments:

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I also vascilate with just needing a place to spew and then reminding myself to focus on all the good things. I frequently wish I didn't have to work so HARD at finding happy things. In theory it's like any other exercise, right? Practice? Yeesh. I seem to be stuck in the "can't find my shoes so can't run" stage.

Anyway (that's for Elizabeth), I adore Alison McGhee. I read "Little Boy" to my son so often I practically had it memorized. Am buying So Many Days pronto.

And my son feels the same way about Drumstick's chocolate bit at the bottom. Merits a happy comment from him every time.

You have beautiful, beautiful children but I hope you have a lovely relaxing trip this weekend up the coast.

This is a wonderful gratitude list -- and I loved all the photos. I'm sorry that you're going through difficult times and admire you for persevering and concentrating on the good. I hope you don't feel too constrained, though, from expressing frustration and negativity -- without them, there would probably not be gratitude, and I always feel your authenticity and truth despite the negative --

I hope your trip up the coast is magical and healing, Heather - you deserve it. I love your ability to see past the present hurdles to embrace the good things - this was a really beautiful post, full of glimpses into your world.

I am so sorry to hear of your sadness and hope you can send it off to the ocean as you drive up the coast this weekend. I love the gratitude posts - hoping that writing them provides you with some respite from what sounds like a very challenging time. Love the group idea at church... (you never stop!). but it does sound like the beginnings of something good. May the trip allow you some much needed relaxation and what is most importantly for a mother of six, some uninterrupted sleep!

Yes I can see why Jake loves that video" His favorite combo lego & music!

Great photos each and every one. Love Zoey sitting and looking out at her daddy as he is mowing the lawn. Makes you wonder what she is thinking about...

Well for sure you are not 68, cuz if you were that would make me 20 years older - Not liking that 88 number one bit!! Yikes did I just reveal my age to blogland. Oh well(As Mark's grandmother would say - it is what it is and you can't change it) Good thoughts GG!!

I'm going to try and call tomorrow as well! Drumsticks...just ate one tonight!! Thats right, I don't do diets, even though I could use one! And that lego video, him and Mondo are so much alike! Mondo makes lego videos all the time!

I hope your weekend is going well. I feel a little sad too and your gratitude list helped me so much! Thank you for sharing your effort to be positive! I'm glad you met a kindred spirit who happens to be an OT. I hope your situation improves soon and your heart fills with light soon!

Heather I hope your weekend went well and I hope you're feeling better. I think your gratitude list has touched all of us, so there you go again, helping everybody else :) God has given you strength for this journey Heather, remember His hand is with you always.

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