Perhaps tomorrow. I should call her to let her know that her eldest grandchild got into the college of his choice. Early decision, found out today--yay!!!

(I texted/called/e-mailed most everyone else...but not her yet, because she would grill me about scholarships and finances and such...just want to enjoy the moment for a bit.)

Huge Congratulations. I can tell you are a very proud Mum

Congrats to your son! You should be proud of him!

As for the grilling, tell mom you won't know anything until you get 2014 taxes done and complete the FAFSA sometime before March 2014, so you can't answer those questions now. (that's the federal financial aid form, and its not even available to complete until after January 1 for next academic year. The first time you do it, its very tedious and complex, but the next years will just be updating prior years. just fyi from mom on second child in college.) tell mom you won't get final info on scholarships, finances until about April or may at very earliest, so you can't answer those questions now. Practice saying ” we won't know until spring”, because honestly you won't know exact numbers until then.

Made it quick as I was in-between errands and let he know I only had a few moments.

Told her DS got into his top choice school and she was ok with that. She did not know what early decision meant, and sure enough, did ask about financials, but I brushed that off for next year.

I asked time of Christmas Eve service and she said we would need to plan a 30 minute drive since it is a town or two over, and she does not know how full it will be since she has not been before for Christmas Eve services.

I then swallowed and aked, "Can I ask why no cookies? is it a time factor?"

"Well, yes. You would not start them until after the service, and then we would still do the presents since your brother has to leave Wed. 25th late morn to drive several hours to be on-call so we are doing ALL presents Christmas Eve. Plus, they make a mess and so much bother!"

We (brother 1 and Aunt T and kids) and my family are arriving Sun 22nd. Brother 2 and his family (Aunt L and kids) are in same town. If nothing else, we could do the cookies the morn of the 24th. Also, we have the entire 23rd.

"If I bring all the supplies and we all clean up, can we do the cookies and the trains, if there is time?"

Mom, "If you insist, I guess so. The Christmas decorations are not even all up yet and I am not sure it will get done in time. I just need to know the schedule. The cookies take a long time and Aunt L has a crazy work schedule!"

"Yes, I know. I spoke to her about that and we have (outlined idea to make it work) so it should be ok."

Mom, "well, if you move the car seats, and know where you are going and blah blah blah...I guess making the cookies could be ok."

SO THE COOKIES WIN!!!

NOM Nom nom......

And I will bring every last blasted piece of equipment from my home, including cleaning wipes and paper towels and wax paper, so she cannot fuss about my using her supplies and running up her laundry. I have been known to travel to her house with my own bath towels! lol

next year, will repeat same process. Once DD graduates then, dunno. bro 2 is near mom, but never visits her, and is in small place. bro 1 is 4 hours further out. We are 18 hours away driving time.

Again, I have to ask. Why do you go and why do you stay? A guest from 18 hours a day using your laundry facilities is completely normal. Even more so, if it is your own daughter. Why is she allowed to treat you this way and be rewarded for it?

oh no, I have not done laundry at her house since the kids were preschool and we stayed longer than a couple of days. But I have taken bath towels because with the four of us, well, that is four towels, and if we stay more than a few days, eight towels even if we re-use towels. That is a full load of laundry for her machine. So a couple of years ago, i tossed in a few of my own towels in the suitcase so she could not sigh over the extra laundry/soap/energy.

Why do I go? Well, brothers have young families and jobs, and little travel time or money. We are also staying with a few of dad's family before going to mom's, three hours away on the way, sort of. Dad died when I was a teen and many have never left this small town- never been to a mall or flown on a plane, so I have to go to them.

Mom is awful, but I can take it once a year.

I really really really wanted the, "wow, you and your kids have done ok!" at some point, but I realize now that will never happen. I use the visit as a touchstone for how NOT to be a mom. My DH and kids do understand mostly. While 17 year old DS can be obnoxious, i think it is more of being a teen boy than of my being a bad mom. At his same point in my high school career, I was ready to drop out, and if not for a caring teacher showing concern, would not have applied to college. And then mom told me I chose the wrong school when I told her I had applied, because I had not spent three hours with the course catalouge.

So I go out of obligation, to show my kids how I was raised, to see my brothers and their families, sometimes to also visit dad's family and maybe a college friend or two, and then to leave and be grateful that I got out and chose a better life for myself.

btw-doggie got his shots updated, his nails trimmed, and a fun squeaker toy Christmas present from the vet in preparation for his vacation boarding.

And in all our packing prep and lists, the only shorts I have found belong to pajamas, or Nike shorts that DS wears under her skirts.

It sounds like Christmas Eve is going to be crazy busy. I hope it ends up being crazy fun busy and not crazy I wanna rip my hair out and go screaming through the streets busy. At least now you can get drunk on cookies .

I'm glad you worked things out. I did want to point out, IMO your mom was fairly reasonable about the cookies in this conversation. She had reasons why she didn't think it work and when you addressed her worries she allowed herself to be persuaded. I get that she has and often is unreasonable, but I think you over-interpreted her in this case.

I'm glad things worked out, too. And I am glad that you asked her about the cookies, instead of the plan to gang up and do them anyway. It does sound like she is very difficult to deal with and potentially toxic, but she still deserves that respect in her home. This is going to sound odd, but I think that some mothers have the idea that criticism and negativity are a vital part of mothering. I think my MIL is like this.. her entire parenting strategy seems to be to point out what her kids are doing wrong. And she never let go of that, even though DH is 37 now. I can completely see her reminding DH to dress properly for church, even though that has never been a problem before. It's just weird.

I can't believe that your mom tried to bring up Aunt L's work schedule as an excuse.It does sound like your mom is a bit nervous about going to the Christmas' Eve service for the first time. Maybe that's what has her in overdrive mode?

long drive, stopped at dad's relatives and they put us up for dinner and the night and it was so peaceful and accommodating! We had planned to leave the next morn (Sunday) but were invited to the "old" church I had been to numerous times as a child, so we did go. And it was warm and inviting, and even my kids commented how welcomed they felt.

Time to drive a couple more hours to mom's house.ding dong!dog jumps on DD and gets nail caught in her skirt. Yelp yelp yelp!dog jumps and me and gets nail caught in my sweater. Yelp yelp yelp!

Aunt T and I run errands at the grocery store for milk, bananas, yogurt, kid cereal, carrots, etc...

Night.

Next day, slow morning, cold, take kids out to play, leftovers for lunch, till time to kill...let's do the trains!

And they were a HIT!!! used kid colorful kid cereal for decorations, and it worked!

(one brother made a rather gruesome Reaver ship from Firefly, using gummie bears. ugh)

kids went to play games with dads while moms cleaned up, and Aunt L said, "now what? we still have nothing to do for a few hours?"

So I got out the cookie stuff.

And they were a HIT!!! Even the toddler played with the colored dough, and wound up with a Monet style impression of a cloudy Santa.

we all took pictures, and the clean up was easy since I used lots of wax paper taped to the table and packed away all the stuff in my box that I had brought.

Aunt T asked later, "can we take a few cookies to leave for Santa? We forgot about that with two preschoolers!" of course, and her kids "wrote" notes for Santa and DH and I had fun watching her and my brother lay out items for their kids, and then her "making" my brother eat the cookies.

As for the service,

we DID do the family photo beforehand, even though mom had fussed the day before and the day of, that there would be no time. We did it, with time to spare.

At church, sat in the back, on time, ZERO introductions by mom to anyone. Seriously, she did not speak to anyone except the door greeter. we had 14 people!

And then we left as soon as it was over, "to not get caught in (other church) traffic."

(we looked nice, too. One brother forgot dress shoes, but his DD wore an adorable Christmas dress, other brother only wore a t-shirt, but his girls wore matching sweater dresses, and my family was very nicely dressed in tights and dresses or dress shirts and shoes.) It was a very nice family photo.

The Christmas gifts were hit or miss.

ex) I received two large framed prints of a relatively famous childrens' author's illustrated book. Apparently I loved one of her stories as a preschooler. I did not even recognize the 2nd print, but was murmuring, "thanks mom!" when she interrupted, "I was going to give them last year, but since you did not come then, just held on to them. I needed them to go."

Meanwhile, one gift my teen kids put together for their young cousins was met with a smile that just got wider and wider, and then the exclamation, "It just makes me so happy!!!"

And that is why we went. To see the little kids' joy and wonder of Christmas, once a year to see my family, once a year to see that even though I have left, some of my heart is still there.

My brothers stayed at mom's as little as possible, also, it is not just me.

But there is no where else to meet. Mom does not know (I do not think, anyway) that we followed one brother home and hung with him for another day.

Next year, DS will be in college. Who knows what the future will hold. But it was a good vist.

We beat the freeze and rain coming home again and we will see what 2014 holds for us.