I'm scared and so lonely

I have posted several times before about what a difficult time I am having adjusting to living alone. I have tried so hard to get out and do things. I volunteer, signed up for classes, go to a support group and go to church every Sunday. I only have 2 friends available to get together and one I had lunch with yesterday and the other doesn't make herself available much, I don't know why but she always turns me down. I think it is because she keeps her weekends free for her sister and she won't go out during the week. But I am trying and it is not easy to make friends so very quickly. I know it takes time but this is the time I am most in need. I know this is going to sound foolish, but my younger son came over for lunch. We were talking about the trip he is taking to Europe. He leaves July 15. I thought he was returning on July 30 but he told me he will be back July 31. I didn't say anything to him because I don't want him to know how lonely and depressed I am because I don't want to spoil his trip and the enjoyment of making his plans. Hearing that he is coming home a day later absolutely put me into such a sinking feeling it's hard to describe. I have been crying all afternoon. I keep telling myself it is one day but this just was so unexpected. I don't know why I am so upset but I am so scared that something bad will happen to me while he is gone. And being in Europe I will not be able to be in contact with him nor would I ask him as he needs to be carefree and not worry about his ridiculous mother. My other son is in FL for the summer so he can't help me at all. I am trying to put a list of people I can call if I have an emergency but the list is so small. Most of my few friends are away and the ones here I am not sure I can count on. I have a neighbor I can call but I don't know her too well and she works all the time and isn't home very much. I know if I got very sick I can call 911 but who would watch my beloved 15 yr old dog?

I do know of a dog sitting service and they would stay the night but I worry about him during the day. I know I am projecting and worrying about things that probably won't even happen. I have never been in a position of not having any family to count on and help me if needed. I was so sick last summer and fall but I had my sons to help with everything. Someone suggested I sign up for one of those lifeline bracelets that you can push and get help but I don't think I can afford it. And it would only be for 17 days. I am just so sad and lonely I am afraid I am going to die of loneliness. I wish I knew what I could do to help myself through this terrible time.

This sounds like anticipatory anxiety. Yes you are projecting problems. There are people that would help you if you had to call 911. I am sure that somebody would get a kennel to take your dog in if something happened. In fact that is something you could do, is look up some numbers of local kennels and maybe call a couple and ask if they usually have avaliablity.

There are some things in life that we just can't control. And it isn't easy not to worry about them. But we have to have faith that all things will work out okay. Losing faith is not good. So try to hang on to the idea that things are going to be okay.

You have said that the evenings are the hardest times for you. Coming home to an empty house. Know that this is normal for somebody with anxiety of being alone. Try to think of things that you can do in the evenings so you wont have so much time on your hands. Do any of your friends have time in the evenings, to bad you didn't have a group of friends that liked to play cards or something. Things that people do in the evenings. Are there any night classes around you?

Try not to let that one extra day of your son being away get to you. Out of two weeks, one day isn't that long. Try to get use to the idea of it and hopefully it wont bother you so much.

Aurora, I can't remember if you ever mentioned if you go to counseling or not. But I think seeing one while your son is gone would be a good idea. That would also give you something else to do to use up some of your time while he is gone. I am sure that they could help you with the emotion of lonliness. So give it a thought. But in the meantime, you know that we are all here for you. You really need that social contact. I hope that you find it.

Hugs, Karen

PS You might want to read some on the anxiety forum because it seems you do have a lot of anxiety about your son leaving. They might have some suggestions for you over there too.

Thanks Karen, there are no night classes during the summer and I don't play cards so thoses aren't options. I know I am being totally irrational. I am anticipating the worst and I will probably be OK. I have a friend in another state who will call me on weekend nights so that will help. Yes, I do go to counseling and I will see if my therapist can see me every week for a while. I know I will eventually make some new friends. I just wish I hadn't waited until I got into this situation before taking some action to help myself. I do have friends but most of them are so busy or away this summer. My support group meets in the late afternoon so that helps. I can't board my dog as he has never been boarded so I would get someone to come in if I had to. He is much too old to be taken out of his environment. I will go on the anxiety forum and read some of the threads posted and maybe I should start a thread there. Fear can really put a person into a very bad state of mind. Thanks for taking the time to answer me.

Aurora, have you checked into lifeline? Are you sure it's expensive? There are other places that offer that service too. Here, I believe that you can sign up through the county and I don't believe there's a charge or it's nominal. It might not be a a bad idea to have one all the time anyway, not just when your sons are out of town.

There's also a service offered through the county here where a volunteer calls once a day just to see you're doing all right.

Could you call someone from church if you need help?

I know the loneliness when family is out of town. My sister is out of town more than she's here, but I've gotten kind of used to it.

Last summer my car was totalled when they were out of town. I called them on their cell phone and felt like I was so needy to have to talk to them when they were so far away. There was no one to give me a ride from the scene or give me a hug.

My dear niece and her 7 year old identical twins are in town right now. I was very disappointed when my sister nixed coming here before fireworks for ice cream. She wanted them to have 'smores before they left her house. I wish I could be more like her and just make decisions not agonizing over what the other person wants.

There's something about having the memory of your loved ones from out of town visit your home. Tomorrow we leave for the lake for 3 nights and they go home from there.

Sorry, I should't steal this thread from you by changing the topic. I've been in tears about this for two days now.

Just to let you know I understand your tears over the fear and loneliness you're worried about.

Korissa, thank you for understanding. I don't think the county will subsidize the lifeline because my state is in terrible financial shape. Nobody is getting any kinds of services like they used to. I will check the names I got from the senior center and find out the cost. I know you understand how I feel because I know you have the same problems as me. I am sorry you are feeling so sad about your family leaving you. That is so hard. I hope you will post when you can and I can help you and hope I can give you some comfort. You did not steal my thread, we are in the same position here. Please write when you return from your trip to the lake. I always like to hear from you. Take care and know you are in my prayers.

You know I am thinking of you and I wish I were much closer to you. I think checking out the bracelet cost is a great idea and like Korissa said if you could have one all the time would also be good for you.

I am so happy that you two are able to support eachother. That makes me feel so good to see on the forum. Many of us can come up with ideas, but to really know what the other person is feeling, well, that really helps. I know that anxiety is no fun. I use to have it really bad, and may some day again. I do take meds for it so that helps. But fear causes anxiety and it can really take control over your life. Aurora, through all your troubles, you are able to get yourself out. That use to be a part of my problems, I had anxiety to go out. I am really happy for you for that. You are able to get the resources that you often need and you are willing to do it. And that is half the battle. I am glad that you are not afraid to leave the house. Some people are.

We will get you through this difficult time. So hang in there Aurora. Together we will all help you.

Hi Aurora!You have been doing so well. I think you need to give yourself a bit of credit. Yes, it has been REALLY tough, but you have made it this far. You have not had a panic attack. You have not broken down & interrupted your sons as they try to grow in their own lives. And you ARE doing the right things. You're right that friendships take time to build, but by building them now -- hard as it may be -- you will have them there for many years to come.

Yes, you could give in to the fears & convince yourself that you need a huge list of emergency people but statistically most people only have one or two people (including their spouse, if they have one) whom they can rely on. You are more than able to pull it together emotionally so that only leaves the small chance that you would somehow be physically injured. If you are physically hurt, you would be surprised how quickly people you barely know (or don't know at all) will rally around you. You could talk to your vet, the chaplin at the hospital, hospital volunteers, your local humane society or any other number of organizations should that situation arise. I've never known people whose pets have not been cared for if they are physically ill, even during weeks of hospitalization.

Try to put those unlikely situations out of your mind. I don't think you are giving people enough credit for how they will behave during a medical crisis. But the thing is they will only rally for people like that during the most extreme situations. It's up to us to build real lasting friendships to fill in for the rest of the time.

Maybe cards aren't for you, but you shouldn't rule things out just because you don't know how to do them yet. Learning is one of the best things we can do to keep our minds sharp & depression/anxiety in check. It exercises our mind & keeps it too busy to worry about all the silly things we tend to worry about (I'm including myself in that silly worrying people category).

Keep taking things one step at a time. Before you know it a year will have gone by & you'll have 3 new hobbies and 5 new friends. I know because I've been there. Keep making those good choices & soon you will have a wonderful life that you can tell your sons all about when you gather for monthly (or every couple months) coffee. :)

Hi Frances,thank you for your reply. I have tried hard to get myself out and do many things. And I am open to doing new things. I am not ruling out trying something new, but cards are not something I have any interest in. I know because years ago I tried playing in a bridge group and I wasn't good at it, coudn't get the hang of it and didn't have fun. But I am sure come the fall there will be many things for me to sign up for. My problem is that I am just so down right now that it makes it hard for me to make such an effort. I am still getting out but it has become a struggle. At the moment I am just plain scared. I am going to check into getting the lifeline bracelet and I am going to see if my therapist can see me once a week while my son is in Europe. That should help me with the anxiety. I am very aware that it takes time to make friends. I just wish the friends I have would be more sensitive to me. Never having been on my own before is scary and remember I am older, I am 64 so experiencing this now is more difficult than it would have been a number of years ago. I would have had different choices then.I think the best thing for me now is to keep up with my activites and to talk more with my therapist. I just need to get past this two week very rough patch. It's not so easy to do when you are in this situation. Others give advice but I am the one experiencing the pain right now.

I saw this on the news this morning and it made me think of you Aurora. And believe me I am not taking your situation lightly, but it did make me think of you. It was called "rent a freind". It was kind of cute at the time, and like I said I am not making light of you situation because I know that you are struggling. It is just thta it made me think of you. I can't believe that extent of things that would make people money. But it was kind of funny when I watched it.

I truly think that you are a strong woman Aurora. You are going to make it through this. We will help you.

Thanks again,Karen. Don't know where you saw that on TV. Almost sounds like an escort service but not like what that really is. I am hoping my therapist will see me once a week while my son is gone. I guess that will be my "rent a friend" so to speak. I hope you will keep in touch with me. I really need all the support I can get. I don't even understand why this has hit me so hard. And 2 weeks isn't that long but it seems long to me as it is my situation. Believe me, I am going to do everything I can to stay busy and try to keep the loneliness at bay but I won't know how it will be until I get there. So thanks for always supporting me. It is what I really need right now.

;-) Get a roommate. Host some travelers (ala couch surfing). From your post, it is not clear if your issue is living alone or being without your sons for 2 weeks. If the latter, maybe planning every minute of the 16 days would help: movies, the other activities you mentioned, meetup events, or planning a return celebration for your son. Maybe you could take a trip yourself or explore a new part of town.

You seem wise to get your support in place now, and to relax. You're also right not to burden your kids. Even as adults, we need our parents to keep it together.

Purple, Thank you for trying to offering suggestions. One thing I have learned from the people I know, it is not easy to get a roommate. And trying to host travellers is not a safe thing to do. I know people go on Craigs list to find roommates but I also know from my sons friends that they often are very unhappy with the people who

move in with them. I have many activities I do. That is not the object of my post. I am very lonely. It is not just the two weeks my younger son is away. I am 64 yrs old and I don't want someone I know nothing about coming into my house. It is an invitation to trouble. I am looking for emotional support and comfort. I have many friends here on the forum as I have been a member for at least 4 years. It seems from what you have written that you are a young person. I need someone who understands my situation not someone who is telling me to get on with it. I have had some very serious illnesses and I can't be too careful concerning my well being. I need to hear from people who are sensitive and who understand depression and anxiety. I am living alone for the 1st time my whole life. At my age this is not an easy thing to get adjusted to. My older son, 36, has lived with me his whole life as he has epilepsy and we have been through very difficult times that are hard for many people to understand, especially if they know nothing about the condition. I sent my my son to a special school for the summer to learn to live independently so he can return back to our state and get his own apartment. I have done this at considerable cost which I had to pay for out of my retirement account. I have had cancer and major colon surgery. If something were to happen to me I need him to be able to function by himself. My sons are my only family as my parents and sisters have all passed away. I am sorry to be so blunt with you but I feel you are being very judgmental without even knowing anything about me. I hope this clears up what I am about and what I am looking for.

The suggestions sent were not offered with a trite or insensitive attitude, but meant to help you find a way to (long term) surround yourself with potentially sustaining relationships given the difficulties you're experiencing trying other things, and to (short term) deal with your son's absence. Sometimes fresh perspectives from the other side can be useful. If they're not useful, don't use them. There is no need to belittle, especially in this space.

My mother is about your age and is also experiencing loneliness issues due to family loss, other struggles not worth recounting here, and living alone. She has also survived her cancer and that of close family members. I would be happy to provide an external perspective on a similar situation should you choose to be receptive. The comment "we need our parents to keep it together" was meant to encourage and to inspire you to use the love you have for your sons to help you overcome/cope with your long-term and immediate struggles.

Aurora, sweetie, I was not at all saying it's easy. It's VERY hard. All I was saying is that it must be done.

I get it. It's hard to not have friends. I lost all of mine at once when I went into the hospital. One person emailed my entire church (even people I don't know) saying that I was in the psych hospital & that they should go visit me even though I clearly said I didn't want people to know & I wasn't accepting visitors. Five days later, I was out & everyone would talk about me but no one would talk to me. I lost every friend I had. It sucked. I did all the wrong things. Kept to myself. Refused to try any activities. Continued to believe every negative thought that things were too hard, that I would never make any good friends, that no one could possibly like me, that I couldn't get better, that I couldn't trust anyone including my counselor. And I got worse. A LOT worse. After a while things got so bad that literally all I would think about was suicide. I wouldn't eat. Barely slept. Wouldn't get out of my pj's. Just laid around & stared at the walls most of the time -- sometimes re-reading old books on my bookshelf & sometimes watching tv, but usually I didn't even have energy for that. After a second suicide attempt, I finally realized that no matter how horribly difficult it was on me, I had to try to start doing some things for myself.

It sucked. It was so hard. I was so exhausted. I hated everything. Things seemed to move so slowly. I wanted to give up every minute of every day. But I did those things anyway. And after a few months I only wanted to give up every five minutes. And a few months later I could make it maybe 20 minutes before feeling like life was pointless & I was too tired to try. But I kept at it. And after a very long while, I finally started feeling like most of the time life was worthwhile. And I made new friends. And I found work -- first very part time work, and then increasingly more hours until I made it to a full time job.

No, it's not easy. If you're like me, it will probably be the hardest thing you've ever done. But the alternative is worse. Maybe it doesn't seem like it now, but trust me ... later on you will know without a doubt that it was worth the effort. You are still very young. To be free from the worst of the depression by age 66 means you still have a good 12 years to enjoy with family & friends you meet in the coming months. Maybe more. My g-ma was widowed young. She moped around for 20 years until at age 72 she decided to do something about it. She signed up for line dancing lessons, took a part-time job at Goodwill, adopted a cat from the shelter & joined a church group (even though she's not particularly religious). No, she's not some kind of supergrandma. It was HARD. But at age 88, she now has a lot going for her. :)

People in this forum are trying to encourage you because we want the best for you. We want you to be happy & fulfilled. We want you to have good friends who are reliable. I wish those gifts could just be handed to people because I would wrap them up & mail them off to you. You deserve them. But since I can't do that :( I am trying to do the next best thing.

I don't want to offend you, so I won't keep posting here. But I did want you to know that people here really do care about you -- I care about you. And I wish you nothing but the best.

Dear Frances, I know you were not saying that any of this would be easy and I truly understand where you are coming from. I know what struggles you have had and you have always given such good advice. I know that I and I alone can help myself and I am really trying. You have supported me so much in the past and I hope that I will continue to hear from you. You are one of my dearest friends here on HW. I know I should have started to get into more activities sooner but I was so busy getting my son settled and ready for his treatment program that as usual I put myself at the end of the list. In fact I wasn't even on my list. But now I have joined quite a few things. I did not mean anything when I mentioned not playing cards, I guess that is something I haven't enjoyed in the past but it is certainly worth a try. The summer here does not offer as much in the way of classes but I have signed up for a number of lectures and seminars. I am doubling my volunteer work and I am very hopeful rejoining my church will bring me much needed peace.

I think of all the things I have started to do, church has really become my anchor.

Unfortunately, I am responding to my situation out of feelings of fear and I know that isn't a good thing. I am hoping my therapist can fit me in every week for the next month. I am focusing too much on being so ill last summer and I have to work hard to dispel those thoughts. Also, I have a new support group every week and that seems to be going well. But as hard as I may try, it just takes time to establish friendships with people. It takes going over and over and repeating activities to get to know people. Right now I am just in a very fragile state and that is why I am having such an emotional meltdown. I admire how well you have handled your difficulties and I am trying to be as brave as you are. So please know how much I appreciate your support and do keep replying to me as I love to hear from you.

Hey, im Avaris from India. Recently Im in serious depression. I live with my family, they are good. But they dont understand they Real me. They will never be any kind of help neither my frndzz. Im not scraed but i want someone to love me, Someone just for me. I have friends, But still even i fell lonely.

I dont give a dmn. abt others, Im making my self good i any way possible. I spend my lonely time watching TV and thats the way i entertain myself. Plus I joined gym to take care of myself.

I just feel diffrent from this world, even i have good family & friends. I just want to achieve something in my life. I will have a good permanent job in sum months (government). I dont have a girlfrnd. and No one feels the same way in this Country like me. Everyone Acts to be happy but actually they are not

And why Should i Try to be happy, when Im not. Cauz i have seen not one gives a crap what you think.