ATHENS, OH – Will Tremble felt the first stir around mile five. He was on a long steady run with a tight pack of his teammates when it began. “At first I thought nothing of it,” Tremble told The RUNion in a phone conversation. “This type of thing just isn’t supposed to happen on a run.”

But what began as a stir quickly developed into a full erection. “At first I didn’t say anything…It all happened so fast. I was confused,” he continued. “I mean it went from limp to half-mast to full-out boner in something like a minute.” The silence then turned to recognition and then commotion.

Junior Heanly Adams described his first reaction in a personal interview at the University food court: “At first I didn’t believe it was real. [Pointing to salad bar] I thought he stuffed a pickle or a stick in his shorts…When I found out it was real, I suddenly felt as if ‘the pack was closing in’ as we normally say, but in a much different way.”

Most runners believe that getting an erection on a run is impossible. Nevertheless, stories circulate, rumors pulse, and contests, popularly called “the boner race”, are held nationwide to see who can achieve the mythical feat. It’s rumored, even, that one team held a pot of $200 dollars that would go to the first to produce a “persuasive boner.” When asked how he finally managed the feat, Tremble couldn’t give a definite answer. “I can’t say for sure. I wasn’t trying to get one or anything. I don’t even remember what I was thinking about at the time.”

But some of Tremble’s teamates are beginning to speculate on how he did it. Ray Haystacker, a redshirt freshman, suggested that Tremble flooded his thoughts with “sexy fantasies” to force himself into getting an erection. “Orgies even” Hackstacker goes on “…girls’ team, guys’ team, pin-ups, farm animals…candles and hot wax, lace pillows everywhere…That kid’s got a dirty mind.” Others on the team think it was “something else”, suggesting that Tremble got a lift from substances that are banned in the so-called “boner race.”

“Will wants so bad to be the first [to get a running boner],” Senior Kent Halloway wrote in an e-mail, adding, “He would do anything: raid his dad’s Viagra stash, chew hand-fulls of Spanish fly gulped down with ginseng tea…I even heard he was touring all the local truck stops looking for goatweed. He would just stuff his pockets with quarters, hop in his car, and come back with all sorts of brown bags that he would stash in his locker.” Epimedium, or “horny goatweed”, is a plant species that is believed to be a highly potent aphrodisiac, and carries with it legends of its mythical power to increase virility and sensitivity. Its use in the boner race has therefore been controversial at best.

The allegations of cheating have caused discord between Tremble and some members of the team. Runners from around the country have stepped in to take sides, flooding discussion boards online with heated debates on the issue. Meanwhile, Tremble denies the allegations, calling them “baseless and rooted in jealousy.”

“I would never take a lift,” he issued as a final plea, “I’m a simple, honest guy whose head just so happened to pop into famedom.”

PORTLAND – Former recreational runner Paul McNiff held a press conference Friday to announce that he would forgo his amateur status and turn pro. The decision comes after a string of mediocre finishes
in the local racing circuit, culminating a third place showing the Spring n’ Dash 5k Fun Run.

“Was this a tough decision? Of course, but making tough decisions is
something that defines a champion,” McNiff, a 34 year-old software
engineer, said from the parking lot of a Heart and Sole Running Store.
“All my life, people have told me that I’m barely even an average
runner. My 3rd place plaque from last week should help silence those
nay-sayers.” McNiff added that he also received a $10 gift certificate
from Red Lobster for winning his age division. “Hey, appetizers on me.
No big deal.”

McNiff has shown steady improvement since his college days, where he
spent four agonizing years as the 10th man on Portland State’s cross
country team. “I used to struggle to run 21:00 for 5k. Now, I can
crank out 19:30s like it’s my job. And now that I’ve gone pro, it is
my job.”

McNiff cites hard work and and a fancy new outfit as the two main keys
to his mediocre success. “See this jersey I’m wearing? Nike. The
shorts with the same annoying neon green stripes? Yeah, Nike. As if
you even need to ask about my shoes, socks, mesh running hat,
sunglasses, and PowerGel fanny pack…but just so you know they’re all
Nike too.”

McNiff explained that his coordinated outfits didn’t necessarily make
him run any faster, but it did make him look like a total boner. “When
you look the part, you act the part. It’s just that simple.”

VIRGINIA – A recent University of Virginia study showed that distance runners are, simply put, not athletic. They also can no longer be called athletes.

In a two-year study, distance runners and all other types of athletes (basketball, football and baseball players and sprinters especially) were tested on qualities such as hand-eye coordination, speed, strength, and endurance. The athletes were tested daily before lead Kinesiologist, Dr. David McCullough, realized that a test wasn’t even needed.

“I thought to myself,” said Dr. McCullough, “if these guys were as good of athletes as the basketball and football players, then why the hell wouldn’t they be playing basketball or football?”

“These are the guys that got cut back in middle and high school,” he continued. “They just aren’t good athletes. They sure as hell know how to work hard, but that doesn’t mean they’re an athlete.”

In a statement released to the Athletic Rules System Enforcers (ARSE), Dr. McCullough advised that the word athlete be stricken from use in describing a distance runner. The President of ARSE, Franklin Harmon, approved of Dr. McCullough’s proposal.

President Harmon offered: “We are doing this so that the arrogant cross-country runner knows he’s ‘less than’ in reference to other athletes. It will be especially poignant on a university campus.”

Distance runners were not pleased with the news. Alan Hall provided his thoughts. “I am an [distance runner used a word not warranted to describe himself] whether or not ARSE believes I am.”

LONG BEACH – The search for Long Beach University’s women’s cross country and distance coaching job has ended with the hiring of Tyler Hunder. Hunder was relatively unknown since he had so little experience, but Athletic Director Frank Rowan found him to be a perfect fit.

“When you are looking for a women’s distance coach, you really want someone who looks creepy enough to actually consider making a move on some of these young, impressionable women,” Rowan stated. “Tyler really seemed to fit that mold, he had one of those creepy, shit-eating grins when he came in for the interview and at points made it awkwardly apparent that he had never been laid — well at least by a girl who was aware of what was going on.”

Hunder says he looks forward to getting to know the girls on his team and making a push to win the West Coast Mountain Conference. “I can already tell the problems that the previous coach had; he acted too much like a coach to these girls. If there is one thing I can guarantee, it is that the line between track life and personal life will be crossed…I can’t wait to get started.”

Hunder’s duties will start instantly with what he says will be one on one dinner meetings at his house with each runner.

Hunder is a Princeton University graduate and was the captain of the track team in 2004. It was there that he garnered that creep-ball reputation that Rowan was so impressed with.

“I knew this was the right hire when I saw [Hunder’s] expression after I offered him the job — I imagine it was the same face I made when I was coming back from Vietnam and saw my wife for the first time in 2 years.” Rowan concluded.

SUMMER 2008 – David Upton began and concluded his two-week long road trip in an astonishingly short sixty minutes yesterday, citing that the adrenaline from the beginning of the trip wore off once Eddie Vedder’s soundtrack from Into the Wild had finished.

Upton, having just finished up his running career at Columbia, decided it was time to take a trip. Having watched the movie the day before, he was ready to drive across the country and live off of the land for a few weeks.

“I just figured that I would be having a great time to all those songs,” said the recent Columbia University graduate. “But I forgot that the character in Into the Wild went through all those emotions of the songs days at a time.

“Here I was excited for the first ten minutes, and then I caught a lull with the next few songs. Next thing I knew I was back up into it with the uplifting song before getting sad at the end. I turned the car around in the silence between the last song and the bonus track. I felt like I had already gone through all the emotions that I possibly could in my road trip, so there was no need to go on.”

In what was supposed to be a cross-country, multi-state trip, Upton ended up barely making it out of his county. However, there is new hope for Upton on the horizon.

He’s even upbeat, “I’m not too worried about it. I just started On the Road.”

OKEMOS, MI – Ten year-old Jacob Daniels became the youngest ever winner of the Okemos Hospital 5k yesterday when he pulled away from the field in the final mile. His time of 16 minutes and 33 seconds is an age group World Record.

After the race, Jacob strolled through the crowd like any ten year-old would, eating candy and chatting with friends. There was a buzz in the air that there was a future Olympian in the midst. Jacob, however, quickly put an end to that talk.

“You people don’t seem to understand how it works do you?” Jacob said. “Don’t you see that my Dad is pushing me way too hard right now and within two years I won’t even be running?”

Jacob’s father, Ron Daniels, was even quick to point out his misdoings. “Oh most definitely,” he answered when asked if he was pushing Jacob too hard. “There hasn’t been a day since that kid was two that I haven’t had him doing laps around the house or pushups and sit-ups after he forgot to clean his room.”

The surprisingly mature Jacob Daniels will be racing the Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle 10k next weekend and his hoping to break another age group record.

With the dim prospect of being done running competitively quickly approaching, Jacob Daniels is taking it in stride. He’s even upbeat: “My Dad told me that I would most likely get a sweet ‘Where Are They Now?’ section in the paper when I’m eighteen.”

BLANTON, MO – Twenty-five year-old track fan, Blake Ransor, fell into a coma while watching the girls 2-mile run at the Blanton-Winona Dual Meet this past Wednesday. Ransor is still in the coma that doctors say was caused by boredom.

“It’s just too much,” said Dr. Fred Williams, a specialist in Boredom Induced Comas (BICs). “It is too much slow running to watch.”

Dr. Williams had warned Ransor that he was playing with fire after Ransor complained of fatigue and light-headedness after watching a girl run 11:57 in the two mile. Williams tried to help: “I told him to be careful. Not to watch anything beyond the girls mile unless it was an elite meet. Apparently he didn’t listen.”

Ransor is expected to be out of the coma within a week. The BIC Ward is supplied to help bring its patients back into the real world. Ransor will be weaned back into the track world with small doses of Maurice Greene highlights.

For all of the other track fans out there, Dr. Williams issued this warning: “I told Ransor what I’m telling everyone right now: You cannot watch the girls two-mile at some rinky dink dual meet where girls aren’t breaking 13 and expect it not to be detrimental to your health.”