Revisiting “Why Some Hmong Girls Do Not Date Hmong Boys”

On April 30, 2014, I read 3 emails commenting on a blog post I wrote 2 years ago titled “Why Some Hmong Girls Do Not Date Hmong Boys.” The first one commented on how she was hesitant to read my post because she thought it was one to bash Hmong men only to find out that she appreciated my objectivity on the topic. To you, I thank you for not rushing to conclusion without reading the full article.

The second one was from a man in France stating that this particular post was absurd because of my generalization of Hmong men and that the reasons I stated were irrelevant and disappointing. I appreciate that this man was commenting on the article and not attacking the person.

The last one was very angry and abusive. This particular person’s argument was ad hominem; calling me names, cussing me out, and just being plain vulgar. Obviously, he did not read the full article or my comments thereafter. To you, I have some words of wisdom: In order to prove someone wrong, you do not go and act in accordance to what that person believes. When you behave like an immature uncivilized person, it just proves the point as to why some Hmong girls do not date Hmong boys.

After reading these emails, I thought, “Hmm… Something must be going on that I do not know about.” So, I logged into WP and what a wonderful sight! My stats shot up to 3k! I looked at where all this traffic was going and sure enough, it was going to “Why Some Hmong Girls Do Not Date Hmong Boys.”

It seems someone shared this particular post, and it must’ve created some heated discussion, leading others to share it as well. By the next day, my stats jumped up to a whopping 8.5k. It was showing that thousands of people were sharing my blog entry all over Facebook.

More emails came in. Family and friends started sending me links of people’s comments on this topic. Many agreed with my observations. Many others disagreed. Some disagreed with a lot of anger (both women and men).

To be honest, I had forgotten exactly what I wrote, so when I read the comments about how I negatively stereotyped Hmong men or how I had no right to bash them, I went back to read my blog post. I could see how people would think I was bashing Hmong men, but wasn’t I clear that not all Hmong men are like so? Aib ya! Ua li cas es Hmoob es….

Anyway, I feel as if those who attacked me and/or disagreed with big emotions with what I wrote did not read my blog in its entirety. And if they did, they missed my point altogether.

The purpose of “Why Some Hmong Girls Do Not Date Hmong Boys” was to shed light on why some Hmong girls do not date Hmong boys. It was not a post to “bash” Hmong men as many believe so. I thought I was clear enough. Apparently not.

Prior to writing this article, I had been observing in my community and reading a lot of comments online about why some Hmong women have married their non-Hmong husbands or why some Hmong women refuse to date Hmong men. I have also observed the Hmong community ostracizing women who have made this choice. So, I thought, if I could try to explain, maybe the Hmong community would have a better understanding. Maybe it would generate conversation about this and maybe create change—even minor changes make some difference.

I was very clear to state that not all Hmong men are lazy bums and that not all Hmong families would treat their daughters-in-law horribly or work her to death. I was very clear that I was generalizing the negative stereotypes of Hmong men. However, many just read over it and made their assumptions.

And I will stress this to all of you who say, “Hmong men are not the only lazy ones! You can find that in almost any ethnic group.” Ding! Ding! Ding! You are correct! However, that is besides the point because even though you may feel that way, it’s not about you but about how these women feel about Hmong men. Like I said in my disclaimer, “the reason why I may only be referring to my culture is because this blog is about my experiences, my personal observations, and opinions on my culture.”

I am married to a Hmong man. When I first heard a Hmong woman tell me that Hmong men are lazy and uneducated, did I take offense? No. Because I knew that she was generalizing and it’s not true for all Hmong men. But that is not to say that I undermine the experiences she has had with Hmong men. They are true and she has experienced lazy Hmong men whose families expect her to be a super woman. And if she doesn’t want to be a part of that, then that is her choice. There is no right or wrong answer. To each their own whether I agree or disagree. And with that said, I still believe the validity in the reasons I explained as to why some Hmong girls do not date Hmong boys.

I never realized that an article I posted 2 years ago could still generate so much conversation. Ahh… the wonders of the world wide web. I love it! Anyway, keep on reading and conversing.

5 thoughts on “Revisiting “Why Some Hmong Girls Do Not Date Hmong Boys””

This is a “hot” topic and you are one very brave soul to blog about it! Unfortunately, there is no Utopia, and people all over the world still have a ways to go before every one can see past our many differences: the color of our skin, the religion we seek, and the traditions we keep. Interracial marriage is easier for some to accept than others. I appreciate your candid discussion, and open-mindedness about the topic.

I am a Hmong girl who is engaged to a Filipino man. I think people are just too quick to judge. I have my reasons for not dating or marrying a Hmong man. I just never met one that shared the same beliefs and future as me.

What I find funny about some of the negative comments you’ve received is that they don’t seem to want to acknowledge that those stereotypes and generalizations of the men, women, and families, in the Hmong community are grounded in truth. Nothing is every black or white but rather all shades of gray in between. It stands to reason that not all Hmong men/women/families are xyz but does that mean we are to ignore those who actually are xyz?

However, I think all the hubbub was generated because you did decide to address stereotypes for the majority of the blog. Yes, there were disclaimers that acknowledged that you were stereotyping/generalizing as well as a few sentences clarifying that families and men differ individually but those points were short when you compare them to the larger portion of your blog.

Nevertheless, I also realize, and hopefully others do too, that it’s not easy, and probably impossible, to address every individualistic differences, which is why, probably often times why, we resort to addressing stereotypes.

Great post. Ignore the nasty posts for they have their own opinions on the matter.

I am a Hmong women dating a Chinese-Vietnamese man. We have been together 5 years and still going strong. Why I am not with a Hmong man isn’t because I choose not to be, but just that I fell in-love with someone who is not Hmong. I grew up with the same traditions instilled in me as most Hmong families and just because I am not with a Hmong man does not mean I am not Hmong or that I dislike Hmong men. For me, I believe that who we fall for, date or marry is up to us, not our traditions or our families. Solely my opinion.

I’ve been very fortunate to have found someone who loves me for me, who accepts my traditions and welcomes it and loves it just as much as I do. He even loves our food! He even loves quav iab! Just because he isn’t Hmong doesn’t mean anything. I’m sure my family would prefer I marry a Hmong for the communication barrier would be easier but so far, there has been no issues between both my bf and my families, and they all love him.

I could date and marry a Hmong man, but what my future holds, even I don’t know. I’m not against it, but the fact of the matter is, I’m in-love with someone who just isn’t Hmong.