Thursday, September 22, 2011

I know that I haven't been very consistent with updating, especially with my video updates, but I am pleased to say that lately I have been doing much better with my food and exercise plan. I joined a gym and for the past 6 days, I have gone to the gym every night to work out. Keep in mind that it's been many moons since I set foot in a gym, so I've been taking it kind of slow at first just to get back into the swing of things.

I feel pretty good about what I've been able to accomplish since I joined the gym. I have lost 12 lbs so far. Of course, I've been tracking what I eat and eating healthy foods as well. It is something that I am really working hard to keep on track with, but I must admit, it is still tough. I do still have cravings from time to time, but I'm feeling motivated by the results that I've gotten so far, so I haven't given in.

The other night I went to go see a movie, and it was a late showing, so I went alone. After the movie was finished, I was walking out to my car when I saw a cute gay couple standing next to their car and kissing. Admittedly, it made me feel incredibly lonely. I miss that.

I came out of the closet four years ago. Since then, I've had only one serious relationship. It was not exactly the healthiest of relationships, but it definitely taught me a lot. We weren't together for very long, but we moved quickly and we lived together for much of the relationship. In hindsight, I think it was a mistake that we moved so fast, but I had never been in a relationship, and had desired one for a long time. So when the opportunity came along, I went for it.

Without going too much into detail, I'll just say that the relationship didn't last and I was very hurt when it ended. On the same token, I knew that it wasn't a healthy relationship and I had considered ending it myself, but when he broke up with me, it deeply affected me. I went though a period of depression, and then began to move on. It has now been almost a year since that relationship ended, and I have moved on. Lately though, I have been thinking a lot about my ex. Not that I want to get back with him or anything, but I guess I just miss the companionship. I miss the good things, like cuddling or coming home after work and crawling into bed and hugging him.

I am not ready for a relationship. I want one, but I know that I am not ready for one. Since that relationship ended, I have come close to developing other relationships, but I've scared them off by moving too quickly or coming on too strong. People have told me that in order to find a relationship, one must first learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. That is so much easier said than done. But as I've mentioned before, I am a work in progress. This is a journey that will not take place overnight.

I am taking baby steps to get healthy. This week has been good as far as my eating and exercise plan goes, and now I am trying to work on my emotional well being. I realized that the reason I've been thinking about my ex so much and feeling so lonely is because I simply have too much time on my hands. I work four nights a week, and I work 5 hours a night. The remainder of my time is usually spent at home, alone. My friends all have day jobs so there isn't anyone to spend time with during the day when I'm not working. So the first step I have taken to remedy that is I signed up to take piano lessons. I start on Monday.

Well, this has most definitely been an interesting entry. I didn't intend to talk about all the relationship stuff, but I guess I needed to. Until next time, healthy eating!

Friday, September 9, 2011

I am so angry with myself. Since I began this blog, I have not made the progress that I had hoped that I would, and instead I have gained even more weight. Why is this so hard to beat? Sometimes I am torn between anger with myself, and anger with God for giving me this struggle to bear.

I'm going to be 100% honest and raw here, in a way that I have never been. My experience with my weight and weight loss, and dealing with it in the public eye has been both a blessing and a curse. I still get recognized sometimes. People will come up and say, "You look so familiar, were you on TV?" At one time, I craved that recognition. As much as I wanted that kind of recognition at one time, now it's almost a bitter reminder of how far backwards I have gone. In no way do I want to sound ungrateful for my experience, for without it, I probably would be in a much worse situation that I am now. But because of living those experiences in front of a national audience, I put an incredible amount of pressure on myself to be perfect. When life got hard, I cracked under that pressure and once again turned to the food.

The reality however, is that it's in the past. My episodes came and went, and life moved on. I am not a celebrity, and I have seriously re-evaluated my desire to be one. Now, I am back where I started. True, I do not weigh as much as I did at my heaviest, but in many ways, I feel that I am in the same mindset that I was originally. And that scares me.

Ever since the Intervention episode aired, and after I made an appearance on Oprah, people have told me how "strong" I am. The truth is that I am not strong. I am incredibly weak. I am scared. And I base my self worth on what other people think of me. Fear has taken over my life once again. I am a very delicately balanced emotional being. I put on a happy face, and most people who know me would never know the pain and loneliness behind the smile and laughter. But that is my truth.

In some ways I feel that there are two distinct Josh's. There is the Josh who presents himself to the world as a fun, optimistic, kind, humorous guy, always smiling and laughing. And behind that Josh, there is another Josh who is shy and reserved, lonely and incredibly sad and pained. There are characteristics from both versions of me that are genuine, but I how I often present myself to people, and how I feel inside are many times completely opposite.

My goal is to find a middle ground. I am often either one extreme or the other. Either very happy and elated, or very down and depressed. Sadness and fear are emotions that everyone feels, and I want to allow myself to feel those emotions without them taking complete control of me.

I do want to be happy again. Genuinely happy. I want my smile to be not one of a mask, but of a true happiness from within my soul. This transformation has to be for me. I no longer crave the spotlight of a national audience. I just want to be me. I want to be healthy for me. I want the craving to be relieved.

I don't know what the future holds for me. My experience with Intervention and Oprah happened for a reason, and in no way do I want to seem ungrateful for them. If it is in God's plan for my story to help someone, then that is something that I must leave to Him to accomplish. But for now, I want to be healthy for me. I do not want to do this for anyone else. I cannot put that kind of pressure on myself again.

When I did the show, I had many masks that I had put on over many years of eating addiction and emotional trauma from being overweight. It wasn't until I went to treatment that those masks slowly began to be removed. But even with all of the emotional work that I did, I don't believe that I ever fully removed all of those masks. It's true that I came out of the closet, and removed all of the skeletons from my past, but a part of me still guards my emotions out of fear of being judged or hurt. Sadly, however, guarding those emotions is actually hurting me more that anyone else ever could.

I joined a gym last week. Since then, I have gone to work out only once. I did water aerobics for 30 minutes, and then came home and binged. Not exactly the behavior that is going to get the results I am wanting. But I feel the need to be honest, so that I can prevent that behavior from happening again.

To be honest, I find myself in a pretty depressed emotional state right now, so I thought perhaps I would just vent here. I remember saying during one of the interviews prior to my intervention that "I can't believe I let myself get to this point." I remember the hopeless and helpless feeling that consumed me back then. I truly felt like a prisoner in my own body.

Unfortunately, I find myself in that same frame of mind. Having said that however, I know now that change IS possible, for I did it once before. I just need to pick myself up once again and get back on that road to recovery. I once walked that road proudly with my head held high, but for now I will have to settle for crawling. But I would still rather crawl along that road than lie in the ditch that runs beside it.

So today I shall throw away my masks. No more hiding behind them. I'm Josh. I'm an optimistic, fun, kind, smart, and talented guy who also sometimes happens to be sad and lonely, but I do not allow those negative emotions to control me. I am a work in progress. And I am learning to love myself.

Friday, August 12, 2011

I have been really struggling lately. I did very well for the first week after I created this blog, but it's amazing to me how easily life can become complicated and how easy it is for me to slip back into unhealthy behaviors.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a rut with my life. Usually when I lay in bed at night my mind just runs wild, and thoughts go through my head of what I am doing with my life, or rather what I am not doing with it. Sleep is something of a commodity that I have not been able to get hold of lately. That is until today, when my body just crashed and I slept for more than 12 hours. Now it is 3:22 am, and I am wide awake.

I am a karaoke host. Four nights a week I host karaoke shows at several different bars and restaurants. Last night at my show, a man came up to me and told me that I should invest in a better wardrobe. He suggested that I go to a Big and Tall clothing store and buy some nice clothes so that I look good when I am singing and doing my show. To be honest, I was taken aback by his boldness, but I understand that he probably meant no harm in his suggestion.

When I first lost all of my weight, I took pride in my appearance. I enjoyed dressing well and trying to look good, but when I began putting on weight I no longer could fit into my nice clothes. I didn't want to spend money on a new wardrobe, because part of me thought that if I did that, I would simply be giving into the fact that I had put on weight again. So for a while, I rocked the sweatpants and t-shirt look. Not exactly a look that oozes sex appeal and confidence.

Only recently did I give in and buy a nice pair of jeans (that actually fit me) and some newer t-shirts. The ironic thing about last night is that I actually wore a stylish hat to complete my "look" and thought that I looked okay. Apparently it wasn't good enough for the stranger.

I am tired. I'm tired of caring what people think. I'm tired of the struggle that my weight has been for me. I'm tired of giving into the addiction. I'm tired of being ashamed. I do not want my weight to be the thing that defines me. I don't want to be known as the big guy. And most of all, I'm tired of trying to please everyone. For once in my life, I would like to do something for me.

Over the weekend I went to visit a friend of mine from Florida. She was in the area visiting her family and I went to see her while she was in town. We stayed up late into the night just catching up with each other.

When I lived in Florida, I worked for a drug and alcohol treatment center in the admissions department. It was my job to talk to people on the phones and try to encourage them or their loved ones to come to our treatment facility for help. At first, the job was very rewarding, because I felt like I was actually helping people. But then, as time when on, it became more about the numbers and reaching quotas, and less about helping people. For me, recovery became a business. I became very cynical about the 12-step program. My friend was one of my co-workers there, and after I left that job, we became roommates for a short while before I ended up moving back to Texas.

She still works for a treatment program in Florida, and since I left she has become a director for the facility where she works. I am very proud of what she has accomplished, and I respect her knowledge in the field of addiction treatment. One of many things that we discussed while visiting is how I have been struggling so deeply with my food addiction, and how I've been scared to go back to a 12-step program for help.

One of the core beliefs of that program is that one must find a Higher Power who can help overcome the addiction. I do believe in that philosophy, but it has been something that I have struggled with since I first went to treatment back in 2007. I never fully worked the 12 steps, and while I do believe in God, I've struggled with believing that He loves me.

I grew up in a very conservative Christian home, attending services twice a week. The beliefs of the church that my family attended were very conservative, and so I led a somewhat sheltered life as a youth, and even as a young adult. I struggled with my internal conflicts with homosexuality from a very early age, and I can remember my mother telling me that "God sees everything, and he knows everything that you do and think." This thought scared me, because it made me feel so guilty.

As I grew older, and began having feelings of attraction toward other boys, the conflict within me grew stronger and stronger. I was aware of what the bible said regarding homosexuality, and even though my parents never really told me directly that it was wrong, I just knew that it was something that I could never tell them. So I made up my mind that I would get married, and probably have children, and just go to the grave with that secret.

When my intervention took place, I immediately left for treatment. My bags were already packed for me, and I didn't even get a chance to go home first. We left the hotel room where it had been conducted, and got into a van that drove me straight to the airport with my interventionist. I remember sitting on the plane and looking out the window as we flew high above the ground, and I thought to myself that I will never come out. That I would die with that secret.

I do not know what exactly changed within me and gave me the courage to come out of the closet. Many people have never experienced what it is like to go through an in-patient treatment program, but I will tell you that it is very intense. It is basically 24/7 therapy, and even though to most that would probably sound like a very scary thing, it was an incredible experience. During my time in treatment, I was stripped of every mask that I had ever worn, and the emotional walls that I had built over the course of my entire life began to crack and eventually crumble.

I was completely and totally emotionally raw. They told us that our secrets will keep us sick, and I knew that I had many secrets. My whole life had become one giant secret; my sexuality, attempting to hide my addictive eating behaviors, the fact that I was constantly lying to the people closest to me--these were all behaviors that I had been exhibiting and trying to hide from people. In addition to the secrets and hiding behavior, I also built emotional walls from people to prevent myself from being hurt.

My entire life, I have been made fun of for my weight. In school with bullies, and even in my adult life by complete strangers. So I naturally began preventing people from getting to know the real me as a means of protecting myself from getting hurt. So when I began realizing that these secrets and emotional walls were keeping me from getting healthy both physically and emotionally, I slowly began breaking down those walls and letting people get to know the real me.

The first major step was when I came out. I had told a couple of people before I went to Florida that I might be bisexual, but I didn't come out completely until I was there. At that point, I told my family and my closest friends. I am kind of torn as to how my family took it. I have a brother who is gay also, and he actually came out before I did. My mom cried for three days when I first told her, and my dad (who was also in treatment at the time) called me up and told me that he still loved me but I could hear the disappointment in his voice. Since that time, it hasn't been discussed very much, and I do not try in any way to force it on my parents. I know that they do not agree with it, but they have not tried to cut off their relationship with me either. It's just something that we do not talk about.

Since I have come out, it has been a big relief that I am finally honest about who I am. But where I continue to struggle is with my relationship with God. I want to have a relationship with Him, but I feel clouded by so much hate and judgement that I have encountered from so called Christians. Even when it has not been said to me directly, there is still widespread judgement that has been covered in the media and in other public forums that have made me scared to pursue going to church or building a relationship with God.

I just wonder how God feels about so much hate and judgement that is spread in this world in His name. I only hope that I can strive to build a relationship with Him. I truly feel that by doing so, it will most certainly give me the strength to overcome my struggles each day. During our conversation the other night, my friend suggested that I just sit and talk with God, just to tell him about my day as if I were talking to any other friend. That is my goal. I want a friendship with God. I want to be able to laugh with Him, and cry with Him, and ask Him for help.

In doing so, I hope that I can realize that He loves me, and that it's okay for me to love myself.

I know that this has been all over the place. I just wanted to come here and write what was on my mind. Thanks for reading...

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I'm not the kind of person that really enjoys going out to a club or bar. To be honest, being overweight has impacted the way I view the world. I walk into a restaurant and scope out the seating arrangement to find a table that is out of the way and has a chair that will be able to support my weight.

God forbid I am asked to sit at a booth. It just puts a cramp in my style. I have to attempt to tuck and fold and bend myself into a space that is designed for a person half my size, and to manage to complete this task with any sense of grace or dignity is usually an epic failure. And then, without fail, my jeans rub against the plastic material that some genius decided that all restaurant booths MUST be made of and creates what can only be described as the sound of an enormous fart. This of course happens in front of the extremely cute waiter and results in my wishing that I had a toothpick with which to stab myself repeatedly.

A club is even more intense, especially on the weekends. Most of them are small, cramped settings with limited seating and a dance floor. Add loud music and 300 people in a space designed for a maximum of 200 and you find yourself in a place that I can only describe as Hell on Earth, and with the body heat that is generated by such an environment, this is actually an accurate description.

Let me state for the record that I do not dance. I was not blessed with the ability to move my body in rhythmic formation to create an illusion of raw sex appeal. Instead, the result of my dancing is that when I stop dancing, the rest of me don't. So when I visit a club, I usually spend the majority of my time sitting quietly in the corner out of the way and watching people as they dance and mingle with each other.

The point of all of this is that I went out to a club tonight. They had karaoke and so I got up to sing. Let me also say that I am most comfortable when I am on stage singing. Music is a big passion of mine and I am very confident in my singing ability. Normally in a bar or club setting, I am very shy and timid, but last night I felt at home on the stage and I received many compliments. There were even a few guys that flirted with me.

I've been told that confidence is key in meeting new people. Unfortunately, when it comes to my body image, I am decidedly lacking in self confidence. It is my goal to eventually build my self confidence so that when I go out to a place like that, I can experience it without hesitation and fear. I realize that this is not something that is going to happen overnight. For many years I was tortured for my weight, made fun of by complete strangers.

A psychiatrist once told me that I suffer from social anxiety, and when I first heard of the diagnosis, I was actually upset by it. I didn't believe it to be an accurate diagnosis. But as time has gone on, I understand and accept that I do have a certain level of social anxiety. My tendency has been in the past to just stay home and not go out very much, but that doesn't accomplish much, other than my turning to food in most cases. I have realized that the extra weight that I carry every day is really just fear in a physical form. Fear of failure, fear of judgement, and even fear of being truly happy. It is fear that keeps me trapped in my addiction. It is time to overcome that fear.

It is my goal for this week to continue to get out of my comfort zone, put myself out there, and meet new people. Eventually, if I do this enough, I will be able to carry myself with confidence and know that I am a special person regardless of what I look like on the outside.

Monday, August 1, 2011

I have been following a plan of eating now for three days. As with most of my previous attempts, my motivation has been very strong going in, but after a certain amount of time I have begun to struggle with cravings. It's usually worst in the evening. I work a job that required a late night schedule and it has been customary for me in the past to eat late at night. So breaking that habit is proving to be kind of tough.

I have been tracking the calorie content of everything that I've been eating the last few days. I've heard in the past that this can be helpful, and so far it has been. While the cravings have been very strong especially today, I have resisted the urge to follow through with them because I didn't want to have to track the added calories.

I am praying for the strength to get through these cravings.

So this is how I intend to structure the basics of my blog: I intend on doing a video blog every Monday, and I will also weigh in every Monday. In the past, I have weighed every day and become obsessed with the number on the scale. That can be somewhat dangerous to the cause, because my mood can be completely affected by the number on the scale. So for my own sanity, I am only going to weigh myself once a week.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Welcome to my online journal. I have thought long and hard of how I want to use this platform. I am addicted to food, and throughout the last year I have been heavily affected by my struggles with food addiction. It is my intention to use this journal as a means to get my feelings, emotions, struggles, fears, and achievements down on paper.

There probably won't be much structure to how I write it. Some of it will be boring weight check ins and food logs, but I intend on spending more time writing about the emotional side of the addiction. I invite you to join me on this journey. I understand that some of you may be in a situation similar to mine and some of you are just here to read along from time to time. But whatever your purpose is in being here, please know that you are welcome.

I must make it known that in no way am I a medical professional, and I do not endorse any diets, products, meal plans, or exercise regiments. The meal plan that I follow has been suggested to me by a licensed dietician, but it is not designed for everyone. If you are in a situation where you want to follow a healthy eating plan, I encourage you to consult a medical doctor or licensed nutritionist/dietician before beginning a new eating plan. I do, however, encourage you to feel free to comment and post ideas and suggestions, and share your struggles or achievements as you embark on your own individual journeys.

Also, please understand that I will not only talk about eating and food. This is a journal that is really about my life, all aspects of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. :) I am on a journey to find happiness and peace in my life. I am not on a diet. This is a lifestyle change, not a diet.

I have been heavier than I am today, and I've also been much smaller than I am today. I learned a lot the first time I went through a significant weight lost, and I learned even more having put the weight back on. I learned first and foremost that this is going to be something that I will never fully overcome. It takes a lot of hard work to overcome addiction. But I feel like I am ready to finally give it a shot. Onward we go.

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About Me

My name is Josh Adams. I was featured on the A&E series "Intervention" for a food addiction. After initially losing 260 lbs, I was invited to appear on The Oprah Winfrey Show. I have since struggled to keep the weight off, and over the past year I put back on about half of the weight I originally lost. This blog is the story of my journey through the struggle of food addiction and my quest to find freedom from the bondage of self one day at a time.