Simon Cowell’s Penis Is Hemorrhaging Money

Simon Cowell has more money stashed in his sweater cows than most industrialized nations, so naturally he has sex with lots of women because deep down they’re just looking for a nice guy with a sense of humor. Except you’ll be surprised to learn that one of these women was just in it for the accumulation of material wealth and robbed his ass blind while he was sleeping. Page Six reports:

“The X Factor” creator had been drinking at Drai’s nightclub in Hollywood last October when he met a woman and snuck her past hotel staff into his room. When Cowell awoke the next morning, the paper reports that he discovered that the woman was gone — and that she had emptied his wallet and stolen his computer, which housed many sensitive “Factor” documents.
Cowell’s team quickly alerted the police, who worked with the hotel to screen security footage and track down the mystery woman. According to the paper, the computer was eventually returned, though the cash from Cowell’s wallet was not.

Keep in mind, Simon Cowell was just finishing kicking his then-fiance Mezghan Hussainy, a former make-up artist for American Idol, to the curb but not before giving her an $8 million mansion for “putting up with all of the publicity and scrutiny that comes with dating the ‘X Factor’ honcho.” And, yes, that’s fancy British talk for, “I man-titty-fucked every woman my money could get its hands on.”

News of the robbery comes on the heels of several other salacious revelations about Cowell, thanks to biographer Tom Bower’s upcoming tome about the television personality, “Sweet Revenge: The Intimate Life of Simon Cowell.” Among the revelations in the book is that Cowell had an affair with “The X Factor” judge Dannii Minogue, who split from the father of her son just this month after four years together.
Following news of the affair breaking yesterday, former “Factor” judge Sharon Osbourne gave an interview with The Mirror, in which she said that the affair “wasn’t a secret.” She furthered that Cowell also was seeing two other women — model Jasmine Lennard and make-up artist Julia Carta — while engaged to former-fiance Mezghan Hussainy.

Here’s the sad irony of this story: Simon Cowell will probably never love a woman more than the one who robbed him blind while he was sleeping after a night of sex. I can see him now perched on the balcony of his mansion, Faberge eggs glistening in the sun next to prostitutes he murdered for sport while his voluminous man-bosom heaves with each sigh from dreaming of the one that got away. “She simply fucked me, contented herself with what little cash I had in my wallet and then quietly left without even speaking to me. My God, she was perfect. I’ll never be that happy again in my life! ARRRRRGGHHHH!!!” *rips Baby Gap tee off his chest*