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Christians Ruining Christmas for Everyone

The folks here at Seattle Hemp Products are all in a titter over the holidays. There will be no tittering in my cubicle this year, though. As chairman of the company's morale committee, I've been charged with the dreaded task of planning an office "holiday party" that is both festive, and inclusive of all people of all faiths.

Except Christians. In past years, we've had problems with Christian extremists going nuts and wishing people a "Merry Christmas" despite being strictly warned not to, so we decided to exclude them entirely from this year's event. I had a cunning and quite hilarious plan to issue bogus invitations with phony dates and locations to any suspected Christian employees, but CEO Tony "Sherm" Sherman nixed it. Too risky, he said. Some clever Jesus freak might get wise to the scheme and crash the party. They might start singing "Christmas Carols" or mention Christ - a clear violation of the Separation of Church and State. So we all agreed it would be best to simply fire the Christians rather than risk them ruining anybody's Christmas.

I put human resources diva Christina Draper in charge of refreshments, provided she change her first name to something less offensive. Teena suggested we go potluck, but that never works because everyone always brings corn chips and twinkies. A few bad apples might even bring religiously-themed food, such as christmas tree cookies or egg nog, and then all hell would break loose. So after weighing the risks and costs, I decided to scrap the food this year. If anyone is hungry, there's a Denny's right across the street.

Entertainment posed another problem. We hired a lounge singer one year, but he freaked out in the middle of Bob Seger's "Hollywood Nights" and spontaneously segued into "O Holy Night". Several non-Christian employees were seriously offended before we were able to tackle the bastard to the ground and toss him out of the building. So no entertainment, either. Thanks, biblethumpers, for sucking even more joy out of the hoilidays!

Gone also is the traditional, yet highly offensive, arrival of Santa Claus and gift exchange portion of the evening. I can't begin to list all the religious connotations regarding jolly ol' "Saint Nick". So instead of Santa arriving on his "sleigh" and passing out presents to all the employees' children, I thought it would be neat to have a homeless person stagger in, lay a guilt trip on everybody, and then pass out. The boss put a kibosh on that one as well, unfortunately. What if the bum turned out to be a Christian? In his drunkeness, he might start proselytzing to the kiddies. They might get weird ideas into their heads. They might start voting Republican and beating up gays. So with heavy heart, we agreed to ban children from the party altogether for their own safety.

Lastly, and most importantly, was what to name the event. "Christmas Party" was out of the question for obvious reasons. "Holiday Party" implied that there was a holiday to celebrate, which pointed a gnarled finger right back at Christmas. So after much deliberation, we all agreed on "Mandatory Staff Meeting". It's simple, politically correct, and has the ACLU's seal of approval.

Seattle Hemp Product's first annual Mandatory Staff Metting will be held tomorrow, Thursday the 16th of December at 11:17 am. In the spirit of the season, all employees will be required to gather in the break room and jab forks into their thighs in pennance for 2000 years of white male hegemony.

Now before you start sending me hate mail, let me assure you that they're all specially made biodegradable forks crafted from fine hemp.

Complimentary, of course. What do you think I am, some sort of Scrooge?

I am surprised that you speak of scrooge in so derogatory a light. I think that scrooge is an interesting character because of the two edged nature of his *christmas* transformation. On the one hand, scrooge got over the fact that he was an evil white male who should suffer forever from the light of the earth goddess (What some KKKristians would call "hell"), and realized that the only path in life was to give away all the money which he had obviously stolen from the poor.

. . . Huge hit on the bong, and a little sacramental wine . . .

But wait, I see it now . . .

Scrooge was corrupted by the KKKristian holiday of KKKristmas. At the beginning of the story he was a good leader who fearlessly taught people the truth about christmas. He also made the christian Bob Crotchet with his intolerant monogomous marriage and bible thumping beliefs understand the meaning of work which all of us must go through, and scrooge naturally threw out the KKKristian charity which was trying to steal the enlightened money for their own evil ends.

And what did the KKKristians do? They sent some "ghosts" and suppressed scrooge's free belief and turned him into a mindless drone just like Bu$Hitler and Haliburton are trying to do.

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In memory of Ebeneezer Scrooge . . . A great man suppressed by the right wing, KKKristian, Reichpublican, bible thumping conspiracy.

I couldn't disagree more, Vishnu. This concept of "work" clearly comes from the Jesuslanders and their Holey B*ble. It says somewhere in there that anyone who does not work should not eat and that idle people should be punished. (A friend told me this--I would never read that bookful of lies myself!!) Thus, I have given up all forms of capitalist "work" and instead thrive on Twinkies and Ho-hos in my parents' basement.

Naturally what I was implying was that the enlightened scrooge was making the KKKristians serve those who they oppressed with their hegemonic ideas, not that tru believers in the EarthGoddess should do work; instead, the KKKristians should slave to make up for their so called "sin."

We had out annual Mandatory Staff Meeting last evening. In order to be sure that no overbearing X-tians would sneak in and try to proslet...prostlit..prothlat.. oh, you know, try to convert us, the theme of the Meeting was" Las Vegas! Yep, we drank and gambled and danced on the tables. And after Ms. S. got into the punch things really got secular between she and Mr. P...right there on the craps table! I got pictures! Oh a jolly good time was had by all now that religion is out of the season.

Say, Larry, you described the forks as "complimentary." Did you mean "complEmentary"? I've found that silverware (or in this case, hempware) does not usually express admiration of my chiseled, handsome appearance unless I have spent a lot of time around the bong.

You DO have a job! So that takes up a few minutes of your time here and there looking busy when the boss walks by your cubicle. But how much of the rest of your time do you spend just slacking off on the Internet?

Love Mr. Stock's quote..
"I try and be aware of injustice and inequality when it effects anybody or everybody," he says. "Certainly this is something that has been a problem for as long as I can remember."

If he considers the erection (and I did say erection...) of a "giving tree" ~injustice and inequality~ he needs to reassess the meanings of those words. Maybe the city should put up another giving tree in, oh let's say...June. Just to "stir the pot".
~L.

Sweet Gaia! I just realized that by eating "Ho-Hos," I have inadvertantly been supporting the fascist rallying cry of that fat, red geezer, Satan Claws! No wonder I have lately been feeling the evil capitalistic urge to go out and buy presents for my friends (by that I mean you people--everyone around here is a Zionazi). I will dispense with Hitler's Ho-hos immediately and instead begin scarfing down eclaires (they are French!).

This is truly a blight on my fabled conscience, and I beg for forgiveness. Thank you, Larry, for revealing the horrible dangers of Chr*stMESS!

Isn't it obvious that these so called "atheists" are really a name which the right wing, ReichpubliKKKan, hegemonic, Zionazi, KKKristian conspiracy has labeled to the true believers of the GaiaEarthMotherGoddess* who are, in fact, only trying to stop the rapine of denuding of forests for some white, KKKristian, Zionazi ceremony?!?

I find myself reluctantly argeeing with you. What really ruined the celebration of the winter solstice where true believers would have a drunken orgy in selebration of the sun was when the (then) neo-zionazis stole the GaiaEarthMother's holiday, and made their KKKristmas with their Satan Claws.