Friday, August 7, 2009

In between cancelling my That's Life! subscription and playing intermediate levels of minesweeper on my mega drive, Nicolas Sarkozy phoned the landline to inform me I've been selected to represent the Republic of Senegal in this year's French Goths for Human Rights Convention. As chair Quasimodo will welcome millions of goths to his penthouse apartment to discuss a myriad of issues relating to the atrocities carried out on goths and gothic culture in 1968. Although largely concealed by smaller issues― namely the revolt against Eastern totalitarianism and the rejection of Western consumer culture― these crimes against goths were the real motivation behind the 1968 French spring student revolution.

The aforementioned misconduct continues to dominate the agenda at this semi annual semi worthless convention. We will work towards the construction of a Goth Crimes Tribunal to ensure Carla Bruni is held accountable for the senseless discrimination and violence directed at these 'people' in black. Rarely generating even two per cent interest amongst the French 'people', this year's convention is seemingly more promising. The Polls (pre conceptual Irish metal electro band) have calculated such promise in terms of 10,000%%%% increase in awareness. As an accredited member of the press, I will remain in Paris on an extended stay as an embedded goth reporter for The Gothic Times New Roman Times. A serif title within Rupert Murdoch's stable of print press, this publication has a circulation of one (m goth) and a readership of zero (I dislike my writing more than you do). I'll be attached to a homeless gothic unit in the Latin Quarter where I shall observe the daily rituals and cultural practices of the French goth community. Being a meta fiction writer― my narrative often self-consciously addresses the mechanisms of fiction ― I'll now broadcast some photos I took on my Konica during the above events. 2000-and-never Paris ProtestsGOTH TA MÈRE : GOTH YOUR MOTHER

Sunday, July 19, 2009

After being demoted to gravy stirrer for throwing a chicken wing at a goth, I was forced to consider both my career at KFC and the nature of aggression in the post modern state. This does not make for sick blog reading so I’m going to claim that my violent act of chicken discus led me to ponder the twentieth century space race. To commemorate the fortieth anniversary of the moon landing, I’ll be broadcasting from Jupiter, a special space blog for the next forty years.

Filmed on location in Nevada the diamond desert, the moon landing is classic Hitchcock adapted for a novel by Donna Hay in 1972. Written for VHS and scripted in the fifth person, it borrows music from my cousin’s ipod and shifts quickly across dynamic dimensions. What separates this impressive cinematography from other competitors is the bypassing and disregard for gravity, which ultimately constructs a less imposing tone. With cameos from the Olsen twins and commentary from Lewis Carroll, this film is must see.

Described by The Critics (modern indie band) as ‘cosmic, telescopic, astronomic and above all, hipster’, the moon landing v1.0 is part convincing, part American propaganda trash, part goth. Starring Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Rove, the moon landing involves a stellar cast, physically enhanced by out of this werld costumes provided by American Apparel (think metallic moon aprons and sweatshop free, integrity free designs). As envisioned by its politically glorified director John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the plot sees each astronaut returned safely to Earth. A pack of Ruskies attempted to imitate (think A Bug’s Life versus Antz) but the Soviet Unionists launched two light years too late. Perhaps Khrushchev should have focused efforts on thawing his post-Stalin Russia and maybe Brezhnev should have devised a five point five year plan to deal with the economic woes cultivating in his own backyard**

Discerning readers may think I’m subverting NASA’s space achievements. In this post, I have consistently hinted that the moon landing was staged, engineered, unreal. Admittedly, these claims are based on a hurtful transcript I received from NASA this morning based on my persistent pledge to donate myself to the international space station as a landmark study into the affects of space travel on gothic bodies.

Cinema or history, moon landing is something good, nice and great.

**Whilst blogging is considered by many Internet enthusiasts as democratic and a platform for the people, my own research indicates that this is a particularly utopian view. Whilst I concede that the Internet has the potential to democratise journalism (and increase the number of teenagers with access to Asian porn), censorship of blogging is a serious threat. If KFC discovered that I’m undermining past Soviet presidents (huge chicken market in Russia) through a blog which they sponsor (Win two goths and a limited supply of Pepsi when you purchase the Mother’s Day Feast. Valid now until never) the chances that me and my llama and my blog would be kicked back to Kentucky are higher than Mickey Avalon so durrrr I’ve gotta watch my mouth or I’ll be moving to Canberra to start my own porn business. Media is a bully of an institution: the Internet has failed to diminish the ‘us versus them’ dogma associated with journalism. Regretfully, this leads me to self censor. I stopped my rag on the Ruskies because, as avid bloggers, the Russian mafia may hunt me down and sell me to the current administration for four Rubles and a goldfingers drink card.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Halfway through filming act two, scene twelve of Heart Break High, I realised Drazic and I were late for our goth convention. That blogged, we descended from our broomsticks just in time for the lengthy, animated version of Repunzel’s Dream: In My Own Castle starring Repunzel (as herself) and Jimmy Lanyon (as himself). Best described as romeo and juliet for goths (sans the tragedy and Elizabethan superstitions), Repunzel’s Dream maps the magic between two starry crossed lovers**. Set in Mount Thomas, it is an arresting novella of love, iphones and mountain people. The female protagonist’s love for Sir Lanyon reaches climax in act forty-six, scene four—the balcony scene—where she ponders ‘What satisfaction canst thou have tonight for thou is certainly in the dog house on this night’ to which JL quips: ‘The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine etcetera etcetera blah ...thine mine thou wow wilt whatever weald. I shalt not renege nor repunge my repunzel’ Such candid moments work to evoke a myriad of emotion toward the lovers' love (for this goth, 88 parts admiration, 12 parts envy). FARRK THIS BLOG IS SHITTER THAN I AM. Following curtain drop, cast and crew bounced into town to deliver gothgurl 09 to her graveyard shift at KFC. Other goths and other bloggers were sighted and quarantined. All goths paid the remaining Moran fifty sea shells to paddle a pink stretch hummer across the river whilst chanting the final verse of a buried Brian Wilson B side. BON JOVEEEEEEIAL

**Don’t report me to Stratford upon Avon for plagiarism, that surrr been dead for longer than

Monday, May 11, 2009

In between downloading my dinner and streaming the final season of The Odd Couple on my Toshiba 200, I was unpleasantly interrupted by father barking about having reached the download limit one day into the month. He said my sentences are rather long, academic and boring for an informal blog. He also wanted to know why the neighbours are complaining about being 'surveilled inappropriately' by a pair of red binolculars as they watch Dancing With the Stars . As if I'd know dear parent. Mr Boombastic digging Euro Cup mascots.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Good morning gothist. Some news for yee:I'll be reading excerpts from my latest meta-fiction novel The Curious Incident of the Goth in the Night-Time. This reading will take place in the back aisles of the Two Dollar Shop, Eastland at a date to be confirmed. The date most likely to be confirmed will be 4 to 5 days after the Two Dollar Shop ask me to do the reading. This will give me enough time to both organise the press and scheme a plot. I'm thinking the book should be about a blogger who is trying to write a book about a goth who is trying to get by in postmodernity. This would tie in well with both the book's title and the meta-fiction claim. Those 4 to 5 days will also allow me to devise some supporting characters, learn how to spell/write and plead with Harper Collins to publish my literary wonder. See yee then. We're next to Pet's Paradise.

This is a television still from my favourite episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show. It was the pilot for 'Oprah's Favourite Things', season four, episode 16. I dig the photo mainly because Oprah is dragging out a bubble-wrapped-goth-on-wheels (what are your favourite things?) but also mainly because Oprah looks like a real Chicago babe (what are your favourite things?) Imagine how many goths would have watched? Est. 0 - 3.Still on the topic of Oprah and KFC, when my good friend Tao Lin was asked to write a blog post on the 'Oprah KFC Riots' he simply commented: 'Makes me feel like this confirms some suspicion I’ve never had that Oprah takes baths in mashed potatoes to relieve stress'. Amen.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Flicking through the pages of this week's New Idea, my eyes were drawn to this photograph of Angelina Jolie helping some goth orphans in Cambodia. Tha photo is emblematic of Jolie's transcendence from star to saviour and also representative of the sizeable goth problem in south-east Asia. I was particularly impressed by the photo so I forwarded it to Mike Larkin, our local weather man, but he replied: well yeah, but what's the relevance to the weather? Asif I know ???????? For the savvy media consumer, this photo is obviously not about what I claim it to be about. Really, it's just a photo of Gothgurl09 sabotaging a bike on Lonsdale street. But it really was in this week's New Idea.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

So I was told that today's post needs to follow the theme of '19th century gothic fiction'. But I can't find any valuable news about this topic and the biggest goth I know (7 parts goth 4 parts repunzel) is, goth this, getting her revlon make up done for her lead role in the Broadmeadows Youth Hall production of 'Pinocchio Does Goth'. She's won the logie for it last year and sold her story to New Idea for two euros and a rare South African tucan. Anyway, there's nothing out there on 19th century gothic fiction, so I'll just post a photo of my intensely gothic dancing coke friend that I bought from Eastland What's New last Thursday. Where for art thou Kate Cebrano?

I've got a superbly effective spell I learnt in cooking with spells 1.0 back in 1992:

1 part blog;

2 parts web url;

1/4 part hyperlink;

2 parts RAM;

1 part cabbage;

7 (or 8 depending on availability) LOLs; and

4 parts grub

Muddle it in a puddle and just tell yourself that it will work, 4.5 times (it will work, it will work, it will work, it will work, it wil STOP THERE). I dropped all my gear at the airport last week, so I unfolded my mega couldron and cast this spell. Next thing, I woke up in a triple king size bed (sans king) to harbour views. IOW, it works.

I've just gone hunting for rare pig ornaments with a good friend JL (80% goth 20% not) at the pig and whistle and he's constructively criticised my goth blog for not including enough information on goths. Did he not read my earlier post 'An Inconvenient Goth Lyfe'? I know they're really good (better than greasers, hippies and punks) but I also know they are not as important. I'm in the library, I've got Winnie Cooper next to me streaming season four of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Gothic.

I'm in this hectic crystal shop shopping for spells and I'm streaming daft punk live on my canon i600. I think about life in terms of a complex sign system- clams, the coob in the stretch hummer and mickey avalon in my mind- so when I sleep at night I dream of these symbols in their true form. The lol can be misunderstood if the loler and the lolee are on the wrong page. I've got five chuppa chups in my mouth I forgot to broadcast. If ya cram 2 tablespoons of fruits of the forrest jam plus 17 green grapes into a 300 watt microwave for 94 minutes on medium rare NOTHIN HAPPENS

Monday, April 27, 2009

So I have this friend (half goth half melbournian) and we've always talked about having a goth blog. Actually we tell most people we know (we know ten, we tell eight) that we do have goth blogs. Now, in eagerness, we have two. Yeah two blogs about goths. But so far, neither of us can find any relevant information about goths so we don't know what to do.I'm launching at a goth party in eight hours and I have nothing about goths on here. I feel awful because it's like I'm just writing, with no audience. I asked Tim Berners-Lee and he said as far as he knows, the Internet can never 'get full'.Ok so if you're intensely gothic, I'd recommend you follow this shit too from my friend (half goth half melburnian half Courtney Love):

So I've been just inundated with questions about the meaning (or relevance) of the blog's main photo. It's just me, on my computer, googling 'goth'. I thought it was appropriate but now I'm not sure. I'm going to take it down I think...

And now there's a new photo. But in case you missed it, this is what the old photo looked like.

In the blogosphere and in life in general, there are four types of people:(1) greasers;(2) hippies; (3) punks; and (4) goths It is this fourth category which I wish to expand on, to the point of creating a blog. For some people- most I would imagine- the word goth doesn't mean a lot. Just like I probably don't mean a lot to you. There are more important things than goths so I'll name them: greasers, hippies and punks. But I won't focus on these more important things because they get enough exposure but also because I don't know much about them.I'm just going show photos of goths and goth related products and maybe annotate. It will waste your time more than mine. I'm a blogger in the blogosphere and I think goths and goth culture are good enough to blog about. I wish I could translate this into four or five languages but I don't think the blog is good enough for one. PM if you have goth wave on vinyl.