Being alone doesn't always mean being lonely

December 29, 2009

It's 2 in the afternoon Christmas Day. I'm still in my “comfy” clothes, aka pajamas, sitting in my oversized chair with my feet propped on the ottoman covered with the fleece blanket my daughter made for my mother. It was her constant companion to provide her warmth when she was chilled. Especially today, as I draw it close, I feel overwhelmed by Mom's presence. Kelly made her third lap before finally claiming her territory next to me. The rhythm of the sleet on the window seems to harmonize with the subtle song of the wind chimes on the deck. It is a soothing interruption of the silence in the house. I glance up from my book. I've read the same paragraph three times. The dark overcast day makes the glow of the Christmas tree lights seem brighter; it's barren trunk now void of festively wrapped gifts. Generally the holidays are a time of joy and love, but for many people, it's a time of loneliness. The welfare organization elderlyparents.org.uk found that 46% of people said being lonely was their main concern about aging. People experience loneliness for many reasons, such as the death of a loved one or a divorce, creating a feeling of abandonment. Separation of family or loved ones due to the military, college or job relocation can cause the “blues” resulting in withdrawal from social events and activities. Relationships and marriages can experience loneliness due to a partner's emotional distance, lack of communication and withholding intimacy. Have you ever been at a party surrounded by people and still felt alone? According to Vincent F. Berger, Ph.D., ABPP, ABFP, therapist and licensed psychologist, loneliness should not be equated with a fear of being alone. Everyone has times when they are alone for situational reasons, or because they have chosen to be alone. Being alone can be experienced as positive, pleasurable, and emotionally refreshing if it is under the individual's control. Solitude is the state of being alone and secluded from other people, and often implies having made a conscious choice to be alone. Loneliness is, therefore, unwilling solitude. Maybe you just never learned to be comfortable while alone. Like anything in life, what has been learned can be altered. You can learn to be better at being alone without being lonely so that you have the choice of whether to be with others or not. When you overcome the fear of being alone, you instantly become more independent and confident as a result. In fact, there are many advantages to overcoming fear of loneliness. When you are alone you have time to think calmly and there is a special kind of peace you can experience only when alone. Time spent alone sometimes can also make time spent with others even more enjoyable. Remember that being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely. Research on loneliness done by Rubenstein and Shaver shows that there are four main categories of coping strategies:

Solitude

This first type of coping is called active solitude. What this means is that when you feel lonely you have a tendency to engage yourself in active behaviors, like writing or reading, etc. These kinds of behaviors are generally believed to be healthy behaviors, since they tend to pull your mind away from the loneliness and direct your energies to something positive or creative. It is also generally believed that people who engage in active solitude tend to be individuals who suffer more from state loneliness than trait loneliness. That means that you are probably lonely because of some situation you presently find yourself in (like moving to a new area) and if the situation were to change you would probably feel a lot better. Your friends probably won't describe you as a very lonely person. Therefore active solitude is a good way in trying to deal with loneliness, especially if it is a situation you can't escape.

Spending Money

The second type of coping strategy is called spending money. In general, it is thought that spending money can have some beneficial effects, because it gets you out of the house (assuming that you shop offline, in malls and shops) and meeting new people. But if your spending money doesn't cause you to get out of the house and meet new people, then it probably isn't such a good thing. The researchers studying this type of coping were a bit ambivalent as to whether this is a good or bad coping strategy. In any case, if you are spending money you don't have for things that you don't need, then this type of reaction to loneliness can prove to be extremely unhealthy. You should consider buying things that will cause you to be social with other people. The important thing is, when you feel lonely, get up, get out the house, go out to the malls, see what they have, and just look around without spending too much. Perhaps you can leave your credit cards and money at home, so that you will be forced not to spend anything. And carry a friend with you and see the sites together.

Social contact

This third type of coping to loneliness is called social contact. In general, it entails trying to call a friend, going to visit someone or trying to establish some kind of social contact when you have feelings of loneliness. The researchers thought that social contact may be a good way of dealing with loneliness. In general though, you should not be burdening your friends with constant calls for social contact. But if you have friends to talk to, and yet you still feel lonely, you should stop and ask yourself, why? Maybe the relationships you have aren't as fulfilling as you'd like them to be. Maybe you need to go out there and make some new friends who can satisfy the need for a deeper relationship. Maybe you should take one of your present relationships to a deeper level.

Sad Passivity

Sad passivity means that you are involving yourself in types of behaviors that amplify your loneliness instead of relieving it. These behaviors include such things as watching TV, sleeping, eating, taking tranquilizers (or alcohol, etc), sitting and thinking and doing nothing. By engaging in these types of behaviors it only makes your situation worse. You probably feel powerless to do anything to change your situation. You have to make a conscious decision to stop this sad passivity and move onto something more positive. Take it one step at a time, find a new hobby, go out and join a new club, pick up exercising, find something useful to do with your time like volunteering at a hospital, your church or favorite charity; something that will make you a better person. Find someone to talk to about your loneliness. It's okay to feel lonely, but it's not okay to keep feeling lonely all the time. It's time to move up and move on! The key to beating loneliness is to love your own company and to learn to be okay if you're on your own.