Esbats

Full Moons and I don’t get along. It’s a simple fact that I have finally come to terms with. The Full Moon is just so…so…….present. She demands attention. Now, I love to look up at the Full Moon and feel the glow of Her smiling down upon me. And there are full moons that absolutely take my breath away with their beauty. During her fullness I look up at Her, acknowledge Her, but I don’t linger. I’ve never lingered.

Last night there was no hint of her light because it’s been cold, cloudy, and raining for days. But whether I can look up at her and see a bright or faint glow, or no light at all, I still feel Her. We all do. For me, at the same time every month, within the realm of about 72 hours (give or take) I am a total emotional wreck. And that is putting it mildly.

It wasn’t until about two years ago that I realized I preferred the New Moon’s energy. A lot (I also think the waning crescent totally rocks too). It was drawing close to the New Moon and I was writing in my journal when it hit me. It was like an epiphany of sorts. It was one of those smack my palm to my forehead moments while slowly sliding it down thinking: It’s okay to prefer the energy of the New Moon. It’s Okay.

So I let go of the idea that as a Witch I was supposed to prefer the Full Moon. To do my magick at the Full Moon. To Draw Down the Full Moon.

That was two years ago and I still sometimes forget my relationship with the Full Moon.

Then came yesterday.

Yesterday I cried. I sobbed. I felt stretched thin. The tension was so taught. I can usually find a contributing factor, but yesterday I was at a loss. I was bitchy, moody, and grieving for something I couldn’t quite grasp. And it scared me. Really scared me.

I could attribute some of the feelings of hopelessness to several things going on in my life right now. I’m upset with how unproductive I have been feeling. Even more than usual.

I haven’t been weaning down in the meds anymore, instead I had plateaued. I also hurt my hand. Again. That’s twice in two months. This time I was finishing up a painting when once again I felt a “pop” on the top of my hand. I couldn’t open or close my hand without feeling a lot of pain. I also couldn’t flex my wrist. I was put in another, even more restricting brace than before that I’m supposed to wear 24 hours a day for 10-14 days. Puleeze! I don’t have time for that!

My house is in disarray. I can’t wash dishes, fold laundry, use scissors, sweep, write, draw, or use a fork (I am so left-handed it’s insane). It hurts to wash my hair. Hell, I can barely even type.This post is taking me literally hours. But I was warned that if I take off the clunky brace I risk doing some serious damage to my tendons that would most likely require surgery. Then I think, pfft. What’s another surgery?

Something within me broke yesterday. I felt so completely lost that I wished for the earth to open up and swallow me whole. So I sat in holed up in my studio, in gloom and doom. My husband checked on me a few times and brought me some tea and toast. And I waited it out. I sat there with sage burning most of the time and today I feel like I’ve smoked a pack of cloves. I slept out there on the massage table. And I’m glad I did. My back feels great!

What a serious difference a day makes in the cycle of the moon. I usually follow the moon aspects, but this month, with hurting my hand and all the other usual b.s. I didn’t bother. Little did I know that the Full Moon was in Sagittarius with dear ole Saturn conjunct stirring the pot. If I had understood what was happening amongst the stars then maybe things would have been a bit more bearable. But then again, maybe not.

I truly believe in natal charts and that our etheric souls have a say in mapping out our next incarnation. My Sun Sign is in Cancer. I know my rising sign is 6 degrees Scorpio, and my Moon is in Taurus. .01 degrees in fact. Which means, karmically I’m an infant in the realm of the light of the moon.

Cancer, Scorpio, Taurus. I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell wouldn’t want to get into a bar brawl with that trio. Or a fight of any kind for that matter. They can be moody, oversensitive, stubborn, and suspicious of everything and everyone.

Of course those are on the bad days.

Their good qualities are actually pretty terrific. So I’m told.

I still don’t know what was truly at the heart of yesterday’s pain. Yes, there are some challenges in my life right now, but I still feel like I didn’t quite grasp something buried deep within. I’m missing something.

But hey, the good news is, the New Moon will be here soon to guide me. Yes, it will be void of light, but it’s through the darkness that we must feel our way through. Without light we rely on our other senses to guide us along. Besides, I’ve never been one to be afraid of the dark. At least not in this incarnation.

Ahhhh… The New Moon in Cancer, my beloved Sun Sign. I just can’t shake it. The New Moon has always pulled at me more than the Full Moon. I naturally become more “Witchy” during this time. I gather herbs, (yesterday I began drying a new batch of lavender buds, rose petals, and tons of rosemary). I write a lot more, I cook like crazy (my daughter and I made cake pops today for the New Moon Fire tonight at a friend’s house) and I nurture, nurture, nurture until I drive people crazy.

It’s a time when I need to restore balance to my working area, my personal altar, and the family hearth altar. I dust, tidy up, rearrange, change the intentions, etc.

Since it’s a time for new beginnings, I give myself one task for the upcoming Waxing phase. Just one though, because I can’t handle any more than that. If I happen to do more, great, but my main focus is to stick to just the ONE. If I don’t stick to just the ONE I become scattered and unfocused and easily give up or put off until later. Several years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD, but I think some of it has to do with the medication I take for the nerve damage. But then again, maybe it’s why I’ve always been horrible at math and had a problem with focusing since I can remember. I hate excuses, but they are sometimes a necessary evil.

So just the ONE Thing.

The New Moon technically isn’t until about 4 a.m. PST. My HOPE is to have a little solitary in-my-shell-leave-me-alone ritual before my daughter and I head out to the bonfire around 8:00. I think it’s doable.

Maybe that’ll be my One Task.

Or maybe I was thinking way ahead and it’s the cake pops (just kidding!)

A Descent into the Underworld; A New Moon Shamanic Journey in November

I cleansed, renewed, and charged my altar today. It’s been a dark, wet day and the rain outside is absolutely delicious. It’s the soft Oregon rain that is as temperate as the forests that surround me. I’m sitting here in my art studio typing away with the door open, pausing every now and then to look out at the trees and smile at the birds as they sing. I’ve made sure to keep their feeders full and have even made sure to share some of the sunflower seeds with the squirrels.

As I continue to prepare for the dark months ahead, I’ve decided to check my spiritual inventory as well. At Samhain I honored my ancestors of long ago and gave special remembrance to my loved ones who have passed over during this lifetime. I welcomed the coming darkness but as the nights stretch their long fingers further and further into the days I feel a stronger desire to turn towards the within. What a lovely dark night to take a close look at my life and take stock of my truths and the things that reside at the center of my day to day living. Are these things working for me or are they hindering my Spirit?

When I renewed my altar I did it with the purpose and intention of taking a shamanic journey later this evening. This is the time between the passageway of Samhain and the gateway to renewed light at Winter Solstice. When I placed the items onto my altar, I took my time. I was at my own passageway in my movements and feelings of patience and contentment came naturally. I was floating in an ethereal movement that was eerily comforting. This feeling is something I want more of in my life and I want it to be accessible in the center of my day to day living. It’s what I long for but I find it increasingly difficult to either attain or maintain those feelings of patience, calmness, and contentedness for any length of time.

Pain is a very real barrier between me and that peacefulness. From failed back surgeries to Fibromyalgia, and on to the emotional consequences of my intuitive empathic nature, I have a mind that cannot easily turn off external stimuli. Both my body and mind (and consequently my Spirit) have become overly sensitive to physical sensations, the heartache on the news, and the dissatisfaction and unhappiness that seeps from strangers in a crowd. My sensitivity to these things is what shaped my ability to help others through the Tarot but my real problem is finding the shut-off valve. I want to find and nurture the ability to slow my mind in order to return to a peaceful (or relatively peaceful) state of being. Oh how I would love to effectively clear away the negativity and be able to sleep at night!

So tonight I am going in search of that peace that I need to bring forth into my life. On this new moon, I am taking a journey through drumming and visualization to enter the gateway of trees and into the forest realm of the within. Tonight I will unwrap my scrying mirror (that I have not held in quite some time) and delve deep into the dark moon, awakening to what is revealed within. And in the darkness just before the light breaks, I will be in a safe, personal, and private space to find that peace and draw it towards my life’s center in order to balance my Mind, Body, and Spirit.

Lady, Tiny voices, like the hidden sounds that moths make, call to me in the silence of the night. Like moths beating their wings against the screen, You beat against the shutters of my mind, demanding entrance. The candle of the moon is dark, granting no direction. Yet, veiled though You are, Your nearness brushes me like fragile wings against the fire’s flame. New beginnings are Your gift, to unfold as the many-petalled moon, or the iridescent wings of Your desire.

Galen Gillotte “The Book of Hours”

The darkness of this November New Moon offers a period of reflection and reprieve. How will you choose to use it?