So I went to therapy yesterday. I love my current therapist, Elizabeth. I love, love, love her. She’s so busy that I have to make appointments up to two months in advance to keep my same time slot. Where I go, you can’t claim a regular slot for yourself, you have to take what you can get. I was lucky. Someone had cancelled so I got to meet with her yesterday.

Mine has been a tough life. I am not sure why it had to be that way, but it has been tough since the beginning. There are many things I deal with; Complex PTSD and DID from some extreme child abuse, schizo-affective disorder, alcoholism, suicide obsession, ulcerative colitis, constant anxiety, and a junk food obsession which is what I am working on with God right now.

Life was pretty hard in my childhood home. Both my parents were extremely paranoid and taught their children to mistrust all human beings. I was told that people would “STAB YOU IN THE BACK” and “EAT YOU ALIVE”. No one came to visit. Neither of my parents had any friends and we were kept in forced isolation at home for this reason. Continue reading →

Although the abuse I suffered was difficult there is a continuum to this. Many suffered less than me of course but, in reading others’ blogs, I’ve come to the realization… there are plenty of people out there who, as children, suffered a great deal more than I did.

There was the covert sexual abuse but nothing overt that I remember…. parents walking around naked… leering… embarrassing statements made… my dad needing to ‘talk’ with me while I was taking a bath. There was no lock on the bathroom door and, besides, I couldn’t say no to him. Also, since there were no doors on the bedrooms, there was the getting dressed and undressed under the watching eyes of my father and brother.

Abuse can create a hugely entangled relationship between a child and their parents (for me, it was mostly with my father). My parents convinced me that this world was a horrible place and that I should stay home at all costs. I believed them. Though it appeared on the outside that they couldn’t wait to be rid of me, I think my parents wanted me to stay with them forever. But at some point children have to leave their childhood homes; I went off to college but found myself so terrified of the world that I went crawling back to mommy and daddy again.

Because my parents were pretty ‘out there’ as far as religion was concerned, I have a very spotty religious internal background. My parents took us to the Unitarian church until I and my sister were about eight years old and my brother was four. Then this most liberal of protestant churches kicked us out. As I have talked about earlier, my parents had a very warped view on the spiritual, or religious, aspects of living.

I'm Michelle. This is my blog. I write about women and fatness, expound upon semi-coherent thoughts I have in the middle of the night, and offer tough love to those in whom I am disappointed; they are legion.