Dealing with the Put-Downs

Sometimes it really is about them, not you

The comments section of this Living Single blog is such a great source of questions to ponder and issues to tackle. I've been thinking about the discussion of this post, especially these observations posted by Deb01 in response to Anonymous:

"I think what you are saying is that you really enjoy the freedom and increased control over your life that being single allows. At the same time, it is often difficult to deal with the social putdowns, negative comments and lack of acknowledgement of your achievements which come from others around you because you are single.

"I really struggle with the second part of this as well. I think it would be good to see a post or two from Bella as to how we could better deal with this side of things."

I just know that Living Single readers will have lots of their own ideas to contribute, so I'll just mention a few of my own and then watch for comments.

First, sometimes it really isn't you - it's them. Remember the study I described in which people felt especially angry toward singles who had chosen to be single (compared to those who wanted to become unsingle)? The people expressing such hostility did not even know the singles they were damning. They just knew that the single person they were reading about liked his or her single life, and that was enough to unleash their condemnation.

Second, for me, trying to figure out what's going on when people react negatively to me or to other singles is itself helpful. Now, when I experience or learn about an instance of singlism, it still bothers me, but it also intrigues me. Why, I wonder, would someone think less of another person, or treat them unfairly, or ignore their accomplishments, just because that person is single? That's a question I address often in my writings. Happily, research is continuing, and critical analyses keep coming, too, so I think we are making progress. As we get a better grip on where singlism is coming from, we should be able to come up with better ways of tamping it down.

Not everyone reacts to single people - even the happy ones - with hostility. What separates the people who can and cannot deal with happy single people? I think about that too. I wonder, as readers have suggested, whether those who are quick to put down single people are not so happy with their own lives. At this point, that's just a guess. As we say in the journals, "more research is needed."

Another thing I like to do is take my own values and live them out loud. I don't want to hear "are you seeing anyone" as a conversation-opener (or at all, for that matter), so I don't greet other people with that inquiry. Regardless of whether another person is single or coupled, I want to know whom they care about (other than a romantic partner), what interests them, what they are passionate about, what they are worried about. I bet they'd like to discuss those things. I'm happy to talk about their partner, too, if that's relevant and of interest to them, but if I can help it, that will never be the only topic of our conversations.

I think that we should value the people who are important to us, regardless of whether we are having sex with them. I try to live that value out loud, too. If I'm hosting a social gathering, for example, I let guests know that they are welcome to bring friends or relatives.

My big-picture goal is consciousness-raising. I want people to think about singles in more enlightened ways. That includes fellow scholars and bloggers, your family members and so-called friends who badger you about being single, your employers and co-workers who think you don't have a life (or who see your life as less important than everyone else's), community and political leaders, and people with media megaphones. When other people practice singlism, THEY are the ones who should end up feeling badly.

I experience very few direct put-downs about being single. What I get a lot more of is the "stealth" singlism that Bella described in the New York Times article, or just assumptions people make or things they just accept that promote singlism. For example, I get a lot of "it's just how it's done" or "it's just how works" when discussing singles issues. I find these types of comments the hardest to deal with because they're not arguments or even blatant insults.

I've had people actually say that thinking about some of these issues means I have some sort of mental or developmental problem that makes me unable to deal with things that are "predictable" to others. I find this much more insulting than being called bitter or lonely or unlovable. What really frustrates me is when I'm trying to make a logical point about something to do with marriage or singles, and people completely ignore it and argue back in terms of stuff like feelings and love and tradition and values (that obviously I don't understand because I don't have the married gene). I'm sorry but "because it's tradition" or "because married people are different" are not sufficient arguments to me, and I never know how to respond. What's the most shocking is that young, intelligent people who work in science and teaching and medicine are just as likely to take the same route. One of the reasons I am so fascinated with singles issues is because they really are a very clear-cut social and economic problem, and it's very easy to describe a lot of these things in very clear, logical terms, but people just don't want to hear it.

And no one seems to understand--or rather wants to understand because it's not rocket science-- the very clear signals that many small aspects of our marriage-based culture can send. I have always, since I was a teenager, had a very big problem with wedding showers. My problem with them started as a feminist one-- why are giving this woman a bunch of household tools just because she's getting married? why are none of the men here? Then I started to realize how arbitrary it was that people would supply all the items a person needs for their house if they get married, but not otherwise. Then I started thinking of the environmental and wasteful implications of buying consumer items that people already have at least one, if not two of. Then I started thinking about them more in terms of the line we draw between single people and married people and how one group requires the tools of "responsible and adult life" while the other doesn't. To me it is just OBVIOUS that this is a tradition that has no positive value, AT ALL, and I see it as sort of the ultimate symbol of singlism, matrimania (including false entitlement), consumerism, and the underlying sexism that still exists today. If I make any of these points to ANYONE, the response is that I'm whining because I'm not getting presents and if I don't want to go to a shower I should just not go. The refusal of people to understand that's it's not just *me* I'm concerned about or that even "small" things can send a big message is really the biggest insult to me.

Too many people have too large a stake in marriage for them to attempt to look at it critically.

And as you pointed out, there's a big financial aspect to this as well. As I argued on another singles blog, those who have a strong financial interest in dating and weddings...matchmakers, wedding planners, etc...aren't going to be able to change their minds, too much of their livelihood is involved. A challenge to marriage and matrimania might end their careers.

Which I think can be helpful to focus on when dealing with others who disagree with us. Many of these people may have a strong financial/emotional stake in marriage. And there really isn't anything wrong with that as long as they don't put down singles.

So perhaps when arguing over the privileged position of marriage or the wastefulness of wedding showers, we should perhaps temper our criticism with the knowledge that this may be something important to that person. And that maybe recognizing that will encourage them to recognize how being single is important to us.

Well yeah, but being treated fairly is financially (and economically) important to me.

Honestly, all those wedding planners and dating sites wouldn't really be financially effected at all. The dating sites will still sell because still want to have sex. And the wedding industry will come up with some alternative random saturday in a person's life to spend $75,000 on.

"What's the most shocking is that young, intelligent people who work in science and teaching and medicine are just as likely to take the same route."

I'm in medicine and medicine is actually a very conservative profession, so you shouldn't be shocked about that. Science-yes-requires more innovative thinking, but physicians as a group tend to be very much traditional in their thinking-they also come mostly from the upper classes (those who can afford to help send their kids to medical school) so that also perpetuates the conservatism.

"Which I think can be helpful to focus on when dealing with others who disagree with us. Many of these people may have a strong financial/emotional stake in marriage. And there really isn't anything wrong with that as long as they don't put down singles....we should perhaps temper our criticism with the knowledge that this may be something important to that person. And that maybe recognizing that will encourage them to recognize how being single is important to us."

I like this comment. I am thinking about getting married (because of feelings/emotional stake in marriage, as I see it as the utmost way to express commitment to someone you are "in love" with and want to spend your life with, as sappy as it sounds--but god knows my thoughts on this are in their incipient stages) but I don't have a problem with singles staying single, and getting benefits equal to married people, and I wouldn't want them to have a problem with me getting married either (and of course, I wouldn't dream of putting anyone in a position of having to shell out tons of money for a wedding shower or wedding for me as that has never been my thing). I think it's important to respect everyone's choices while also demanding equality for everyone.

What is don't understand is how there can be so much matrimania in a country with such a high divorce rate. Are divorcees also matrimaniacal? You would think that having been burned once by the experience of marriage, most divorcees wouldn't see marriage in a positive light...and that should be a significant percentage of the population. I know there are divorcees who remarry, but there are also those who don't.

My very unofficial research that includes my personal history only would say that even though someone has divorced because they found marriage not to be what they expected, they often remarry quickly because that "alone" thing freaks them out so much. It amazes me how much fear is associated with that. Many people will suffer boredom, rejection and abuse rather than be alone. So fear of aloneness trumps fear of another marriage most times.

Logic001 - this is a good point. People have a lot invested in their histories. That gets a lot of praise - like, a couple in a studio audience gets recognized for being married to the same person for 50 years. Huge Applause. The fact they know nothing about the marriage they are clapping for is irrelevant. The couple just stuck it out. This, again, is especially big at church.
I can think of so many reasons that my friends and family have stayed together - and they all get praise for it. But I wouldn't clap for any of them and what it looks like they go through. And I will be surprised if any of them walk away at this point in their marriages - all 20 to 35 yrs long.

"The ability and willingness to make such brutal choices are the true test of wise decision-making."
This is what I have always thought. Even when my fiance broke our engagement, I thought, "thank goodness he told me". I, to this day, consider him brave. We fought all the time, but I would have gone through with it if he would have. He did the right thing, and moved on. I still obsessed about him for years, but I knew he was right about the marriage thing.

Lauren, your story reminds me that the optimal point for two people to relate to each other may be anywhere along a continuum running from "don't know you at all" to "we're Siamese twins".

I imagine a lot of people are/were in your boat, where two people may have a good relation on several levels, but to be welded together permanently is just too much.

My hypothesis is that this is just human nature, and holds for platonic as well as romantic relationships. It holds for parent-child relationships too. Ask any parent: how do they like their kid(s) after several non-stop days together traveling? Conflicts galore. But separate them (kid goes to camp or sleeps over elsewhere) and suddenly there are pangs.

The solution: realize that people need space, but like some time with certain people as well. It's all about finding the right shade of gray. Hm...if I had Bella's talents, that would be my book title: Finding the Right Shade of Gray - A Guide to Interpersonal Relationships in the 21st Century.

There are more shades of gray "allowed," it's just that those issues are supposed to be worked out between the two members of a relationship-whether that is parent and child, romantic partners, whatever. No offense, but a lot of this discussion of "omg relationships are so stifling and require you to be welded at the hip with another person for the rest of your life" smacks of people who don't know how to communicate what they want--or say no to requests they don't like. It is possible to create relationships that give people space-- no one is prohibiting anyone else from deciding that they want this, and no one therefore needs to "allow" other people to do this. It seems that several people posting here believe that being in a romantic relationship means being with your partner 24/7 or for every single minute of all the spare time that you have--which makes me unsurprised that many people posting here are therefore disenchanted with romantic relationships. Being an adult involves craeting your own partnerships in the way you want them to be, setting boundaries, etc. I don't mean to sound snarky that's just what comes to my mind.

Lauri,
I think your last sentence is very true for me too. That if you notice any of these attitudes, you are having some sort of over-reaction. I was reading one of Bella's older posts recently, "Is it bad to notice discrimination?" (from 08 or 09)

Here are the quotes that I saved that helped me most (quoting Bella here):

"We now know, for example, that whether it pains you to perceive discrimination depends on whether you are a member of a stigmatized group and you identify with that group. It also depends on your worldview. If you believe in a meritocracy, whereby people are rewarded because they deserve to be, then that first personal experience of undeniable discrimination can send a shudder down your spine and a jolt to your belief system....

Recently, Monica Pignotti has been developing a scale to measure the negative stereotyping of people who are single. She has found, in correlational research, that singles who believe the negative stereotypes have lower self-esteem.
But as Wendy Morris has shown in her dissertation research, many single people do not even realize that there is a stigma to being single. What happens if you hasten the dawn of their awareness?"

I also want to comment on your statement, "Then I started to realize how arbitrary it was that people would supply all the items a person needs for their house if they get married, but not otherwise." Amen to that! Setting up a household is expensive - must be nice getting so much help! But tell me again why it is an entitlement for the married? I would like showers better if they were for every type of major life transition, not only ones concerning marriage and births.

When my niece first graduated from college, she had her own apartment in another city by herself for 3 years. One Christmas I bought her a set of lamps, to which her mother gasped, "Lamps!?" I thought, what is so weird about lamps - she's setting up a house. Then the next year I bought her a small grill (not one that would be considered family size) that was easy to clean after cooking individual portions. I loved mine and used it often. When she opened it, her mother audibly gasped, again, but held her tongue. I thought again, what's wrong with this gift? The answer: her mother thought of these things as re-enforcement to her daughter that she should remain single, and inappropriate as gifts until marriage. A few years later, this same mother's son, my nephew, decided to enroll as a college freshman at age 27. I took him on a shopping trip for books and new stuff for his dorm room. When his mother heard about it, she asked me why I did that. I said, the girls got presents when they got married. This is a big event for him, why shouldn't he get presents? Dagers shot out of her eyes. I don't buy gifts for any of them anymore. Just send money to the children.

wow Lauren, I can't believe that story about your nieces/nephew. Well, ok I can believe it, but I don't want to. That's ok though, in my mid-20s I went to a shower for a friend who was my age and my mother was also invited. As we were driving home, I was expressing how ridiculous the whole thing was. This girl had cleaned up and gotten everything possible for her kitchen, etc, and I knew this person very well and had a feeling she wasn't going to start hosting banquets just because she got married. And I was like, "what does she need serving trays for?" and my mother says, "it's something that's nice to have but you would just never buy for yourself if you don't get it for your shower" and I said, "well then how do people who don't get married get them?" and she literally says, "oh don't be silly, everyone gets married." The argument went on for bit finally ending with my mother saying, "I don't know, Lauri, married people just like nice things." This woman gave birth to me.

Luckily my father thinks giving people all this money and presents for getting married is absolutely ridiculous. I was at my parents one day and my mother informs me that even though I couldn't attend the shower for the fiance of a relative I barely know, I still had to buy a gift, but not to worry because she had already picked up the huge tupperware ensemble on the registry on which she would put my name. My dad goes, "how old is this woman?" I said, "Old enough to buy her own tupperware!" My dad just burst out laughing.

About the bridal showers-you just took the words right out of my mouth! I was making the exact same arguments the other day, but it's like speaking to a brick wall-most people don't understand. I'm getting to the point where I pretend to be sick or have another obligation so I don't have to go to them. To begin with, they are incredibly sexist. Do they really think the woman is going to do all the household chores? What decade are we living in? And wedding registries...I won't get started on them. It's unbelievable what some couples think they're entitled to. I wanted to smack my best friend's husband when he bragged about how they "made out like bandits" with the gifts from their wedding, knowing that when I buy a home, I'm going to have to buy that stuff for myself with little help from others.

Lauri,
I got told I had a mental problem too, not because I was questioning stealth singlism (I wasn't at the time), but just because I had been single for a number of years. This came from someone who at the time was a good friend, but who I later found out actually had mental problems of her own.

That sounds about right. I have never been married, but have been engaged. I am so glad the relationship didn't progress to marriage because of how his drug use would have negatively effected my life. Friends change after they marry, and only invite you certain events, if at all. People often think you have something wrong with you if you are not married with or without children. You are still the same person. The same person who they used to talk to everyday, cry to, laugh with and turn to- in times of trouble. Then, after you have their showers $$, be in their wedding $$ - you're an old memory to them. Then, I like this one best- Suddenly they don't like people without kids! Can't understand why I got picked as the God mother $$ ?? Years later, after they cheat on their husband, or aren't getting along- they do call to tell you for that. However, if I would need to talk, go shopping, just do girl things- they don't have the time. The girls I know like this are completely selfish to me...yet think I'm selfish and can't relate. Somehow I relate fine when there's a problem in their marriage. I never want to be like that.

Lauri, reading your original post, some of what you describe really does sound like a deliberate and direct put-down to me. Like suggesting that you have some kind of mental or developmental problem if you think about things rather than blindly accepting the ideas of others.

Some people don't want things to change because the status quo suits them just fine, and when you suggest otherwise, the easiest thing to do is to just dismiss you and your well thought out arguments without having a real discussion. Hence the standard responses "because it's tradition" etc.

She didn't mean to, but she has a real mental block in accepting my single-at-heart-itude. She would much rather parade me in front of the family with a lesbian partner than have me be (shudder) Alone. In fact, I think she kind of resents not having the opportunity to be a bouncing PFLAG in front of her fundamentalist brothers. >: ) (That's Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays for the uninitiated.) Anyway, I'm going on yet another bike trip in a few days. The first day is an organized ride that I do with the same group of riders every year. We ride the same beautiful route together to the leader's beach home, where we have a cookout and campout, and we all make breakfast together the next day before we head home, only I'm going on to ride around a city I haven't visited in 20 years. It's 100 miles from the beach house, so I'm making the trip in 2 days and staying in hostels--a great option for the lone traveler and very popular now with middle-aged and older women who travel alone, because you meet such interesting people and have a social experience in an emotionally neutral setting (as opposed to a "meat market" bar or some such). My mom asked, "Why are you doing that?" as if taking a vacation alone were pointless--as if I didn't interact with another human being the whole time. And as if packing for a week in 3.6 cubic feet and traveling self-contained on a bicycle weren't about the coolest thing a person can do. Sigh.

I actually do find the whole issue of vacation difficult for a single person, but I'd never ask "why?" or assume that all other single people face the same challenges with it. My problem is that I don't have the money to go away anywhere, but since I live alone and don't know many people around, I fear a "staycation" would get really boring really fast and I could go 7 days without talking to another person. But there's no question of "why" I *should* be taking a vacation.

I LOVE your comment, all of it! I was a poor young person getting married and really needed all of the gifts, but when I got divorced 14 years later and set out on my own, the half of the stuff I got to keep was shabby crap by then, and only a few friends ventured forth with housewarming gifts. It was nice to get a few nice serving pieces, but it was certainly not the barrage of appliances and housewares I got when I was 24. And have you tried to get something on a person's bridal registry lately? There's never anything less than $100. Even the butter dish that 4 people like you have already bought is $85. I can't even imagine choosing things that expensive and asking my friends and family to buy them for me. That's some chutzpah!

You reminded me that when I bought my first home, my mother brought me a new coffee maker the first time she visited. She knew I didn't drink coffee, but she said "everyone should make coffee when their guests come over". She was also the only person I can remember ever bringing me a gift for a new home. The number of showers I have been to have been countless - and I would guess I have given at least 10.

Lauren, I've stopped attending stags, showers (of any kind) and children's birthday parties. If someone asks why, I tell them that I don't have the money to splurge on a gift. I make over $100,000 a year and people in my life know that I am financially comfortable. If they challenge me on that (which some have the audacity to do), I tell them that, as a single woman, my dollar doesn't go very far because I'm subsidizing married couples on a daily basis, so I have to watch my spending. That usually shuts them up (and gets me uninvited to future showers and children's birthday parties).

I have bought two homes and only one person has bought me a housewarming gift - a close single female friend.

The put-down I mostly get is invalidation. People will ask if I'm seeing anyone or dating and when I reply I'm happily single and not looking for anyone, they say things like, oh, so you just haven't found the right guy yet huh? It's tough to find Mr. Right isn't it? Especially when you're over 30 huh? But hey, don't worry, I know this guy....

I used to be really polite and tolerant but now I'm so sick of it I tend to get snarky and rude about this. It's impossible to open up a dialogue when they're so deeply entrenched in their own point of view that they don't even hear anything that doesn't match up with it.

I have a "troll" on another comment board that literally does searches for any of my posts-- whether on the topic of marriage or not-- and then quotes other comments I've made on the subject and says, essentially, "hey look at this freak everybody, she has the nerve to think that single people should be treated equally to married people under the law. I can't believe how stupid and nonsensical she is. Single people should have to deal with their poor choices and stop WHINGING about how they're not married. She talks like this is an important social issue, but omg, it's just WHINING because she can't get a man and hates all married people. Let's all make fun of her for 12 pages."

I wish I were exagerating but that's a pretty accurate summary. I've never said anything offensive, I've never suggested that I'm against marriage, I've just commented on some articles on issues that we're all familiar with here. At first I didn't realize how evil this person was and actually tried to talk to her rationally and explain my point of view. But she would literally respond with "No. You're wrong. Stop whining."

Wow Laurie, regarding your Troll, she sounds awful. I hate that argument "stop whining," because it's like the "you're in denial" argument. You can NOT present a mature argument against it. So frustrating! I'm sure your troll is just very insecure and has too much time on her hands. But that's no excuse for her to be mean and closeminded.
Christina

I've been on the receiving end of the "you look alright; so, what's wrong with you?" joke since I was in my early teens and I'm sure I don't need to explain just how much I hate it now. In the past few years there have been some crackers; jokes, 'consoling' pats on the arm and those people who just lurve being provocative.
These days I put up with none of them. If someone's offended me I say so. If their Good Intention is condescending I spell it out for them. I really don't care if it creates an awkward situation; I don't think I should have to suffer in silence because it's the polite thing to do.

With regards to family, I count myself very lucky to be part of a family where it's almost 'tradition' for members to remain single until well into their thirties; and not everyone past that age is or even wants to be married. None of us are in defacto relationships either. At this stage I haven't encountered any pressure from withing the family to 'settle down' but I'm interested to see whether it will eventually emerge (I'm 27)and honestly, I'd be outraged and heartbroken if it did.

I'd also like to mention that this blog and the comments have given me a good deal of solace since stumbling across it. :)

I think it changes with each decade because there are fewer and fewer people that you have singleness in common with. But being from a family where marrying in your 20's is not considered the only normalcy, should be a great relief. I have a friend who is from a family of 11 children, and 3 of the girls are in their 40's and haven't married. She says it has not been an issue for any of them.

I honestly have been shocked to see how much things seem to change as soon as you cross 30. I'm 32 and almost all of my friends have gotten married in the past 2-3 years. For some reason it seems to be the magical threshold where you go from just being a 20-something to being "single." Hard to describe and I honestly never really expected it to happen.

Lauri, I'm 35 and I'm going through the same thing. Most of my friends are engaged or recently married and whenever I'm in a group lately the talk is all about showers, dresses, flower arrangements, etc. Several of my female friends have said they feel a need to be married before 30 and those who are past that age are pushing their boyfriends hard. I have been getting a steady stream of invitations to showers and weddings and I simply say no to all of it. If you accept one invitation you're in trouble if you say no to another, so I just avoid them altogether.

There is a great book you might want to read: Here Comes the Bride: Women, Weddings, and the Marriage Mystique by Jaclyn Gellar (http://www.amazon.ca/Here-Comes-Bride-Weddings-Marriage/dp/1568581939) It discusses some of the insanity around the showers, the presents, etc. For a lot of people marriage just seems to be a money grab - I know one couple who left their own reception to go home and count the money in the envelopes people had given them.

Wendy, I like it! What effect do you think your decision will have on these friendships? Both short and long term? You seem to have a very different way of looking at life compared with some of these people, anyway.

Deb01, so far so good. My friends know this is not a new thing - I have never wanted to be married myself, and I told them all many years ago that I "didn't do weddings". Since I don't attend any of them they know it's not personal. If I only went to some, it would probably hurt a lot of feelings, so if I avoid stepping into a church altogether it's simpler. Even so I often find that people expect a gift. I find this very annoying since when I moved in with my boyfriend (we lived together for almost nine years) no one felt obligated to buy us a thing.

I know Bella said more research is needed but as they say on the Jeopardy game show “I’ll take they’re-jealous-and-not-happy-with-their-own-lives for $200, Alex.” I mean, what else could be the cause of such stealth singlism and biting put-downs? Absolutely nothing. We didn’t harm them, their family or friends. We didn’t damage their property. We just showed up, happy. I’m willing to bet that their unhappiness has a lot to do with it.

To deal with put-downs, I set time limits. Life is too short to constantly be around people who are either angry with you or pitying you instead of enjoying the interaction. I don’t invite these people (family or friends) to my home a second time. With strangers I remain polite and disengage because I know I won’t be seeing them again. I don’t like walking around always on the defensive (always defending my choice to be singe instead of just living happily single). It’s too emotionally and physically draining. So I selectively choose my battles.

I recently realized using phone calls to stay in touch with a cousin while keeping her at arm’s length wasn’t no longer working because her put-downs had become too toxic for me to handle. The put-downs stimulated her pleasure sensors and she called regularly to get her fix. I noticed my calls to her began to dwindle. It was sheer verbal abuse. For example, when I’m in a socializing mood (solitude is my food, clothing, and shelter) I’m open to meeting people because I think they’re fascinating. Once in a public restroom, as I came out of the stall and proceeded to the sink to wash my hands, another lady headed to the stall. I smiled and said hello. This lady began telling me her whole life story (which was very interesting, by the way) while she was in the stall and when she washed her hands afterwards. We must have stood there talking for a good 30 minutes. Anyway, when I shared this encounter with my cousin her response was “You think people like you and want to be your friend. Nobody likes you. They use you because you’re gullible and stupid.” That was the last straw. I realized it didn’t matter what I said to her (good, bad, or indifferent), she responded the exact same way – a litany of put-downs. I cut her off completely. In the beginning her put-downs were subtle (stealth) and got worse over time.

I’m happily single. She’s 54 and miserably single. She’s been dating a married billionaire for years (he has several mistresses). He’s a great provider materially (bought her a house and everything) and sexually. In the earlier years, she used to brag about it a lot. Not so much anymore. She’s a firm believer of the infamous school of thought “He’ll eventually leave his wife (and other mistresses) and marry me.” I know she’s not happy with the choices she’s made. She’s practically wasted her whole life waiting on this married man instead of living her life to the fullest. I’m no longer going to make myself available for her to take it out on me.

It does sound like she is taking her bitterness out on you. She probably feels that she has been used because she was stupid and gullible. I'm not trained in psychology but that's what it sounds like to me. It's good that you stopped making yourself available to her to let her abuse you.

I actually let myself be hurt by a "friend's" assertion that there was something wrong with me because I didn't want children. Turns out her son was conceived in a rehab center when she was visiting her boyfriend, she didn't kick her own habit until she was 3 months along, and the kid is drug-affected and completely out of control. Add to that the fact that she's the worst mother I've ever met in my life, and that she got married (not to the kid's father) because she had to give the appearance of a white picket fence at all costs, and you have one bitter woman.
The other people at the table when this woman insulted me were too mortified to say anything, which was generally the case any time she opened her mouth.

Your cousin's direct put-downs definitely are about her. How cruel.
I still struggle with the passive-aggressive attacks and find myself hours later saying, "hey, wait a minute.." I am now almost estranged from my sisters and brothers-in-law because I finally reached my limit with them around 4 years ago. We only contact each other now in emergencies. I only communicate with one niece and one nephew, but I will not visit their homes. I raised my younger sister, so ending our relationship was very hard. But being around them is either harsh or fake, so I finally just started turning down all invitations, and I don't explain. I would bet a lot of money that their interpretation is that it is too painful for me to be around them because I am too jealous and must be terribly lonely. I have told them the real reason, but they can't hear it. They don't see themselves as biased - they are just, right.