RelationHints! How to Engineer the Perfect Bath of Hell-Blazing Fire

All relationships are built on a foundation. At least part of that foundation is trust, and trust is what converts mediocre relationships into great relationships. This foundation also has several key ingredients, most of which are related to love and happiness Well, unless you knocked her up on the third date. Then it’s mostly about money and not catting around.

There is an effective way of measuring this trust. To do this, partners in a relationship can engage in childish and petty tests that outside of the realm of emotional infatuation would have been considered creepy and ineffective, but when romance is involved is practically an establish branch of the scientific community.

There are, in fact, several ways to test a relationship:

The Always-Hilarious I’m Late Speech
Nothing says “I want to take this relationship to a higher level” than faking a pregnancy. By forcing a life-changing decision into your boyfriend’s existence, you can open up their soul and find out their true intentions by painting a fake white stick blue on one of the ends and crying for like six hours. Granted, if there ever turns out to be a real pregnancy, things may get slightly awkward. Note: This is quite difficult to pull off if you are male.
The Gradually Increasing Annoying Personal Habit Gambit
If you really want to know how your partner feels about you, take one ingratiatingly small personal peccadillo—leaving the cap off the toothpaste, leaving dirty dishes on the bed, sending money to Obama for America—and continue to do it even after all pretense of sanity has been drained from its original purpose. If your mate puts up with it, they probably think you’re worth it. Or else they’re going to use it to justify their own, worse habits, which is actually a pretty decent idea.

The Sudden Change In Eating Habits Test
Nothing throws your significant other off more than changing your daily routine, and nothing is easier to change than your dietary habits. By suddenly forcing a lifestyle change into one of the few normally recurring activities that are necessary to sustain life, besides breathing, sleeping, and checking your fantasy football scores every fifteen minutes, you can witness how much your soul mate can take. Become a vegan and watch him or her wither in a sweaty pool of awkwardness when they order an Egg McMuffin. Starting pouring Red Bull on your mashed potatoes for “added flavor” and watch the concern grow on their face. Continue this until the unfortunate effects of an all-broccoli diet manifests itself into having them not want to ride in the car with you anymore.

The Take An Extraordinarily Small Detail And Blow It Way Out Of Proportion Maneuver
This one has the advantage of being easily implemented, since small things are pretty much found throughout normal conversation, such as how much you dislike the current state of the weather, the recent state of the local professional sports teams, or how you slept with his brother. They key is to latch on to one reasonably insignificant detail and blow it up into a crime worse than the Son of Sam, and then call your mate on it in the most inconvenient time, such as riding in the passenger side of the car when they can’t escape, or a bris.

The Introducing A New Friend Into The Circle Strategy
You have your friends that she hates, and she have their friends that you hate, and there are a lucky few of those friends who overlap, and those are the people who you will drive absolutely insane by arguing in their presence all the time. Of course, no one wants to upset the status quo, because everyone is used to it. Invite a new hot young lady into your friends, or some dude with a six figure salary, and watch the dynamics change like the Havana once the checks from the First Bank of Moscow stopped showing up in the mail.

The Sudden Death Strategy
This test is often best executed at the tail end of a large-scale grade-A class-1 argument. (In fact you may want to use the Take An Extraordinarily Small Detail And Blow It Way Out Of Proportion Maneuver to reach this end.) Declare that your relationship is over and you will have no more talk of marriage, family, or the redemption of tontines. The resultant screaming, pleading, and preparing of packages of the other’s belongings to be dropped off at the doorstep in the dead of night will show your potential spouse’s true colors.

The Move Out Of The City, Get A New Job, Change Your Name and Phone Number Ploy
To truly find out how the person you love feels about you, moving away and changing all of your contact information is an excellent and efficient way to gather this information. If you truly want to know what is in the deep recesses of their soul, you should meet someone new in your latest home city, forge and develop a relationship with that person, marry and raise a family with them, and die holding their hand. That’ll show them!

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This entry was posted on Thursday, September 27th, 2007 at 8:33 pm and is filed under RelationHints. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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