George
W. President Addresses the Nation
March 27, 2003
By Bill Christina

Dear Uneasy American,

As President during these difficult times, I’d like to offer
you some reassurance about some of the military reform we
are offering the terrorist government of Iraq. Saddam Hussein
must be neutralized for the safety of the citizens of America
and others around the world. It was truly a difficult decision
to start this war. Once we made up our minds during the heat
of the hot summer, it took every ounce of our blind determination
to make it happen. As angry nations around the world looked
on, we had to make the case to the American people, looking
past the absence of hard facts, forged intelligence documents
and the constant outcry of the United Nations. But we held
tight. And we did it.

Rest assured, your government is doing everything it can
to protect you. Notice the Code Orange. This should help you
plan your day. In hindsight, we realize that the duct tape
solution might not do the trick, but at least you’re on notice.
The fact remains, terror is everywhere and we must stop it
before it strikes again, even if we have to blow up each and
every country to do it.

And for those countries who won’t go along with us—and there
are many—we will remember. Take France, for instance. The
United States government has already taken steps in cafeterias
across America to make sure that no French Fries are served.
Freedom Fries now grace the menu. Some countries think it’s
funny or silly that grown men in the government would do this,
but they should know we take this very, very seriously. What
you didn’t know is that when Turkey denied us use of their
military bases, we were going to rename turkey, too. Unfortunately,
we still need their airspace. Make no mistake, we will
rename every food in America if we have to.

I know you’re concerned about innocent civilians getting
killed in the bombing. The military has minimized this in
many ways. How? Precision Bombing (not to mention a Texas-size
portion of political spin.) GPS, laser guidance and high tech
intelligence will help us “lock on” to targets and destroy
them. Granted, hundreds and hundreds of daily inspections
couldn’t actually locate any of the Weapons of Mass Destruction
that we know are there, but wherever we do guess the WMD’s
are, the bombs will hit the exact possible stockpile. And
if we guess enough times, eventually we will, in fact, be
right. It just doesn’t get any more precise than that.

This whole thing is about safety—your safety. Don’t
be worried about the death toll of the Iraqi people. We like
to refer to this problem as “collateral damage,” and it is
the willing sacrifice of the Iraqi people who seek to be liberated,
even if thousands are maimed or killed in the process. Think
of it this way: those who live will be safer! Trust
us on this. America has Iraq surrounded, and 3-5000 bombs
might seem like overkill to you, but our patience has been
tested much too long to give this thing a chance to collapse
on its own. Remember, it's not murder if you kill people in
the interest of world peace and liberation.

If you are a sensitive American and get disturbed about the
thought of a loving mother in Iraq being killed in front of
her son, or a baby dying of burns, just keep focused on your
television. That should take the edge off the horrors of war
and keep you more comfortable. The images are safe, sanitized
and exciting. Just watch for a while and you’ll see why the
military technology is the hottest topic at the water fountain.
Even those who are against the war would have to admit that
the camera work is amazing! It looks even more real
than computer games, except that you don’t actually see the
people getting blown-up or dismembered. It almost looks like
all those buildings we are destroying have been evacuated
before we send the missiles in.

Have faith and stick with it because this war should be quick,
and despite some initial worries, it shouldn’t really affect
the March Madness basketball schedule one bit. We’ll be in
and out before you know it. We are prepared to do what it
takes to get that Iraqi oil flowing and the people back on
the oil fields in no time. You want to talk about preparation?
Months ago, the United States started giving Vice President
Cheney’s ex-employer, Halliburton, contracts to rebuild Iraq.
After all, they helped make it what it is today. They sold
Iraq more equipment than anyone on the planet to help it generate
billions in revenue while it was a terrorist nation. Now,
they’ve agreed to do it again even if Iraq is no longer a
terrorist nation. Just took a little arm-twisting and a few
million more taxpayer dollars.

And it doesn’t stop there. We have already begun behind-the-scenes
planning for other terrorist nations who represent a threat—real
or perceived, makes no difference. Soon, I will be sending
Donald Rumsfeld over to North Korea to try and buy back 2
nuclear reactors. Let’s hope they don’t work as well as advertised!
From there, we will move on to Iran and any other nation that
harbors even a hint of a terrorist notion. America will not
just stand idly by. I’ll say it once again, “You’re either
with us or against us.”

I hope this helps to set your mind at ease. Remember, God
is on your side. …unless you’re one of those anti-war people,
that is.