All strikeouts aren’t created equal, apparently. Holy Samardballs, are you kidding me? It was a short schedule day. There’s no middle relief disinfectant for this feces you sprayed all over my team. Why do you hurt me, Jeff Samardzija? Did I not show you enough preseason love? Did my March cuddles not warm your cockles? Did the hype get to your head? Are you better suited for football? Are you a great Scrabble word in search of a pitching repertoire? What the effin’ eff are you doing to my ratios? I GOT QUESTIONS, Y’ALL! Yesterday, his line was 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER and today he’s dropped to waivers. You can’t hold a guy who’s as explosive as bad Mexican food. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark Reynolds – Indians designated him for assignment. That assignment is to suck less. If he fails to accept his assignment, the Orioles have expressed interest. Baltimore said, “Reynolds’ whiffs would add some nice relief from our muggy summers.”

Dioner Navarro – Will undergo an MRI on his ankle. He’s hoping it’s nothing because the Food Network just picked up his show, Dioner, Drive-ins and Dives.

Michael Young – Scratched when he woke up with hamstring tightness. I wonder if he was running in his dreams.

Casper Wells – Phils claimed him. This is his fifth team this year. For those other four teams, Casper’s merely a ghost.

Darin Ruf – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Who airs his power out? Ruf, Ruf, Ruf! Now has three homers in the last week while hitting near-.300. The average won’t stay so pretty, but, if you’re dying for power, you can do worse. Look at me having faith in you doing worse.

Cody Asche – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He had some of the air let out of his balloon with Young not being traded, but Cody’s a good name to look at in deep keepers because I think even the Phils have finally figured out a 29-year-old John Mayberry Jr. isn’t the team ‘getting younger’ even if he has a junior in his name.

Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-5, 2 runs as he hit in the two hole, which is less of a compliment for Ruiz and more of an indictment of the Phillies lineup. I mean, c’mon, they had Kevin Frandsen hit leadoff, go oh-for-five and play 1st base. Yet, they still clobbered Samardzija. Hayzeus Christo.

Jason Grilli – Will resume throwing this weekend. I hate to wish harm on anyone (no, I don’t), but can we form a prayer seahorse-shape that Melancon stays the closer for the rest of the year?

Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. I guess these Marlins weren’t that MIA. Ugh, roofies are going to be the death of me like two out of every ten Americans in Thailand. (Those are almost exact words of Mother Albright after I told her Cougar and I were thinking about going to Thailand on our honeymoon. Mother has been watching too much Locked Up Abroad.)

Neil Walker – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column. I promise you it’ll get more exciting than that.

Christian Yelich – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his first major league homer. This was the first home run by someone who as recently as this past weekend was carded to see a PG-13 movie. Doogie, we love you! I’d also pick up Doogie in all leagues where you’re hurting for some sexy-as-fudge upside. Since he’s moved into the leadoff spot, he’s hit in eight of nine games with eight of those coming in a row, which is a crazy long-winded way of saying he’s hit in eight straight games while hitting leadoff. Damn, came up just short of the Guinness record for a run-on sentence. Better luck next time, Grey!

Placido Polanco – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. After the game, he signed autographs. Oh, wait, that was con artist who stole Polanco’s checkbook and had an unbeknownst Placido sign it.

Jose Fernandez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, 2.58 ERA. The Defector has put together a terrific season, obviously. So, with that said, what keeps him out of the top 20 starters for next year? He’s 21 years old, in a great pitchers’ park and has everything to go along with the great ERA — 1.04 WHIP and 9.70 K-rate. I’m not sure there’s anything keeping him out of the top 20. Shoot, he might be top 15 for me next year. We’ll see. Or not. Your choice.

Bruce Chen – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Red Sox as he lowers him ERA to 1.79. That’s just your run-of-the-mill WTF?! Imagine Bruce Chen is sitting at a train station, waiting for the 4:45 train. The 4:45 train is loaded with hits, runs, lousy starts. They even named the 4:45 train after the ERA it brings with it. Trains come and go and Chen just sits there, no 4:45 train. Eventually, that train does show up. It always does.

Billy Butler – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. After the homer, he provocatively squeezed his moob.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-3 and his 13th steal. He’s hitting close to .300 in the last week and I have to think he gets close to 25 steals on the year. So, guess who just picked him up? It rhymes with Chez Alsprite.

Stephen Drew – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. About the hottest bat in the majors right now as he bats near-.500 (it might actually just be straight .500) in the last week. It’ll end, probably with a season-ending injury, but grab him while he’s going well.

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 6 baserunners, 1 ER (two unearned runs), 4 Ks. This is the most meh start. Meh’s better than eh or feh, but still very meh, which, of course, is not what Pedroia’s brother has to register as, that’s a ‘meh Lester.’

Tim Lincecum – 8 IP, 2 baserunners (1 hit), 8 Ks. I can say fairly confidently this is the best he’s looked in about two years, which is without me looking at all of his starts, so my memory may be just producing some confirmation bias or some other Psych 101 buzzword. As I said about a month ago, Lincecum is back. He’s been back for the better part of this year. His peripherals look nearly identical to his 2011 season when he had a 2.74 ERA. Right now, the only issue is his BABIP is up a tad and he’s giving up a few more homers. The only drastic difference with his stuff between this year and 2011 is his velocity is off two miles per hour. That’s a tad concerning, but his percentage of pitches swung at and missed is up from 2011. I don’t fully trust him in tough matchups, but, outside of Coors, I’d start him in every game.

Brandon Belt – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting near-.500 in the last week with two homers. I’m burnt out on this guy. “I thought you’d use burnt out for me.” That’s Lincecum poking his head in my office. What I mean is Belt has showed tremendous potential for the shortest of time periods in the past, then he goes back to looking like he’s going to be overtaken by Bret Pill. “I get no thrills from Pills!” Okay, that’s enough, Lincecum. Supposedly, Belt has altered his swing and feeling much better in the box. That’s what he said! Huh? Belt won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could be. He’s here now, how much do you need? Take take take, you!

Marco Scutaro – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Member what I said fifteen words ago about Crawford? If you don’t, you might want to up your meds. Scutaro has 2 homers and one steal on the year. Prado looks at that and farts, but fans it away from you. Stay classy, Prado.

Pablo Sandoval – 0-for-3, hitting .259 with 9 homers. From the Files of Sad But True, this year Brandon Belt has given more fantasy value than Sandoval. That’s no oval, more like Sandzero.

Aramis Ramirez – Brewers won’t activate him today. I just came up with a revolutionary idea. You may want to lower the volume on your brain, otherwise this will blow your mind. Players shouldn’t be paid if they’re on the DL. Let them get paid for every at-bat, hit, home run, RBI, whatever. But if they’re off the field, the salary stops. I’m like the anti-Marvin Miller.

Yadier Molina – Cards expect him to be ready to return on August 15th. Trainers said he’s already doing some light running. Then his brother Bengie said, “Nah, that’s known as Molina running.”

Carlos Martinez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks and Shelby Miller will be able to rejoin the rotation after that scary incident on Wednesday. No, not when he walked into the bathroom on Matt Adams. I mean, the liner off his elbow. So, C-Mart is headed back to the minors. Love, peace and hair grease.

Michael Wacha – Wacha Flocka Flame is headed to the majors to start on Saturday for a spot start. So do you Wacha, Wacha want Wacha want? Sure, for a spot start against the Cubs, but since he’ll be sent down to the minors after don’t get carried away with yourself like you’re sucking in helium.

A.J. Ellis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Geez, what a terrible season– Oh, wait, he now has more homers than Matt Kemp. Oops.

Dee Gordon – 1-for-3 and a steal. A Dee Gordon sighting! I love those. With Hanley at least a few days away, Gordon could continue to see oportunities, which, of course, means SAGNOF!

Carl Crawford – 2-for-5, 1 run. I know I can’t be the only one this happens to, you see a name and you’re like, “Oh, he must be doing good,” then you look at his stats and you’re like, “Dolores, we have a problem, Carl Crawford has 5 homers and 11 steals.” He’s been doing great recently, but this doode got old fast. The Dodgers better be careful, they’re like a year away from being the Yankees or worse, the Angels.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.99. Member when I ranked him crazy high in the preseason? Then I moved him down because some sites — ESPN, Yahoo, CBS — didn’t even rank him at all, so I was like grab him, but you don’t have to reach because no one else has apparently heard of him. Member that? You’re welcome.

Nate Schierholtz – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, as he hits near-.350 in the last week. Nate Rightiehitz, or whatever I named him the other day, was facing? That’s correct, a righty. You’re smart!

Rickie Weeks – To the DL after hearing something pop. I can guarantee you he didn’t hear the pop coming off his bat. Maybe Scooter Gennett was opening a bottle of champagne.

Yu Darvish – Tightness in his gluteus maximus. He should make his gluteus maximus talk like Ace Ventura and say, “Are you not entertained?”

Alex Rios – Rangers claimed him on waivers, but before it happens there’s still enough hoops to jump through to make Lassie go a little crazy.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, moving his record to 17-1. I wonder if there’s only so much of my love to go around and that’s why Giancarlo’s not having a good season. It’s like when a new baby is born and the firstborn gets all jealous and shizz and starts chewing through your favorite sneakers. At least that’s what I hear toddlers do, I don’t know, I don’t have kids, that I know of. Sometimes I do see young kids and I imagine what they would look like with a mustache, but none have come close to my handsomeness.

Alex Avila – Sent back to Detroit for concussion tests after taking a foul ball off his mask. I’m sure he’ll get the best treatment at the 8 Mile Hospital & Car Impound.

Prince Fielder – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .260. Has 17 homers on the year. I’m not betting a large amount on him not hitting 30+ homers again next year, but the big-bellied do not age gracefully. Things that make you go hmm…

Victor Martinez – 2-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, but how about Ryan Raburn pitching?! People love position players pitching. It’s like watching a dog drive a car. So, here’s an idea, at least once a week a team has to pitch a position player for at least one batter. Think about the drama when it’s a close game on Sunday and you know Leyland’s gotta let Prince Fielder pitch. Baseball, while you are terrific, I just made you better.

Dillon Gee – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Rudy’s had Gee for a little over a month now, and I can understand it. Gee’s ERA since the end of May is 2.55. What I can’t as easily understand is how he’s only owned in 12% of ESPN leagues. Take out 10,000 leagues that Snafu Larry owns so he can build up his virtual trophy shelf, and you have ten actual ESPN leagues, so Gee is owned in 12% of those 10 leagues, which is about one league. Wow, Rudy’s the only one that owns Gee is all of ESPN?! That’s crazy, but it’s gotta be right. I did the math myself.

@TobiasFunkeAnalRapist:
His #’s are close right now and he’s 20, Harvey’s 24. I don’t think I’m getting carried away at all. Watched Harvey pitch 5 times, watched every Jo-Fer start. I did say IMO, but for me Jo-Fer’s definitely better. Time will tell…

Sorry for the long post, but I really need help in my 12 team daily roto keeper league. 6×6 w/ops and holds

I am currently in 3rd 2 pts back of 1st. The easiest ways to gain pts is in wins but can gain a few points in hitting. Trying to do an offer to get adam jones and give up some great keepers. Can you rank these deals 1 best to 4 worst. My roster is below.

1 Jones for Minor
2 Jones and Hammels for Minor and Rosario
3 Jones and Uhera for Minor and Hawkins
4. Jones, Hammels, Uhera for Minor, Cobb and Hawkins.

@brett: dude I dont know what manager in their right mind would trade away Adam Jones for what you’re offering. He’s a top 10 player and you’re offering mid-tier pitching. Not to mention Koji is far better than Hawkins. Can’t imagine guys in your league would be happy if one of these got accepted.

@Alky Sobrera:
That said, please continue to answer questions from the john while the lock is being installed. Thoughts on Liriano in Coors today? I generally sit just about anyone once they’re more than .95 miles high, but he’s been so ace-like all year. Decent start with 40% chance of a blowup?

…it’s like watching a dog drive a car…. Just another example of 4 or so people in cubicles around me wondering what I found so funny that I can’t stop occassionally giggling 5 minutes after the initial outburst. God, that is such a great mental image, picturing my own dog at the wheel careening down 295 in a Buick…. ahh shit Grey, that was f’n good. Made me forget about Samardzija for awhile.

@Alky Sobrera: I would love to see the Discovery Channel get fisted…well, I don’t literally want to watch it happen…but, I would like to know somehow that it did happen for sure, and that the Discovery Channel didn’t enjoy it at all…

I feel bad. I should have warned all you Samardzija owners. I took my 3 year old daughter to her first Cubs game yesterday. Initiation is always a little rough. Just a lifetime of suffering ahead. Go Blackhawks!

Hey Guys… I know I wrote this before but I wanted to remind you. 10 team mixed and everyone is deep in pitchers. So I have
Latos
Samardzija
Cole
Shelby M
Archer
Iwakuma
Porcello
Edwin J
Cain
Cole
Salazar
and another spot for streaming
Batting- Wieters, Fielder, Altuve, Reyes, Zimmerman, McCutchen, Justin Upton, Holliday, Rios, Cody Ross and Bogaerts on bench… Do you think I should trade- Rios, Holliday and Samardzija for Bryce Harper and Masterson??

Man, I thought I screwed myself with the trade of Heyward/Samardzja for Kemp/Iwakuma a few weeks back when Heyward actually hit and Kemp landed on his ankle but 9 ER’s by Sammy to go with Heyward getting hurt like Kemp makes me feel a ton better. Iwakuma pitching well’s made it worth it.

14 team h2h. Trying to unload Melancon for a desperately needed upgrade at SP. ROS projections has him as a $15 player, but that likely doesn’t take into account Grilli getting his closer role back next month. In any event, I can’t imagine convincing anyone to give up a $15 SP for him. Realistically, how low should I be aiming?

My SP are Burnett, Minor, Latos, Bailey, Porcello, Kazmir, Cole, EJax, and Moore (DL). Have Mujica and Balfour as closers as well. So clearly I need to do something to improve SP.

I love Scherzer…too bad I won’t get him next season though. That’s okay, Verlander will drop and scoop him for the ‘rebound’ season. And you’re bang on about Fielder. I’d point to Ortiz, but given he’s a DH, he’s a different kettle of fish.

And G. Cole is killing me! Wasn’t expecting that sort of start, way she goes I’m afraid.

PS whatever happened to Richie Sexson? There’s a name you didn’t expect to hear when you woke up this morning.

Do I drop any of the DL folks? for Middle Relievers? To help my bloated ERA and WHIP? It’s a limited keeper, only one pitcher, one IF, one OF, and Goldschmidt, JUpton and Scherzer are the leading candidates.

It’s a beautiful (fantasy) world we live in
a sweet romantic (and screwed) place
Beautiful (injured) people everywhere (on my roster)
The way they show they (don’t) care (about my imaginary team)
Makes me want to say (and scream)
It’s a beautiful (fantasy) world
It’s a beautiful(ly horrible) world (on the DL)
It’s a beautiful(ly yawnstipating) world (on the WW)
For you (if you’re in first place)
but not for me

The shark should have pitched much better recently, and it is Shark Week on discovery channel this week! WTF? This is especially painful being a cubs fan, ugghhhh! C’mon 2015! Anyway, I am in need of pitching help, especially after that turd that the shark dropped yesterday. Given I have some surplus in my outfield, what is the best and worst case scenario starting pitcher you would trade Adrian Gonzalez for?

Thanks and I am still laughing about the B.J. Upton comment the other day, “It’s like you pay for dinner, movie, valet, drinks and you expect nothing, then…B.J.!” and that’s me quoting you!

When I saw the Manship boxscore, I thought you would have some fun with that one…I tried to think of the one that you and JuanCarlos de Haterade would like the most…http://youtu.be/HCHIKgBZgMI…and then chose this one instead!

@Grey: He countered with Machado instead of Longo. I think I have to do it given my depth at OF and blackhole at 3B. Luckily doubles is a category in this league so the drop off from Longoria isn’t as noticeable power wise. Think I gave up too much?

1. Thinking about selling Cuddy…please rank the following targets and whether you’d do the trade. Or is this just a wash? 12 team H2H points league and Cuddy is my UT so any position is open: Cuddy for Freeman/C.Gomez/Rios/Cespedes/Holliday.

“dodgers better be careful or they’ll look like the yanks or worse the LAA”

?

Yankees are terrible, old and there’s no bright spots in sight, but at least LAA has TROUT! lol shit they have one good player at least who’s barely legal to have a drink….. now paying for hammy and Pujols, that was dumb and very yankee’s ISH……but i’d rather be LAA than NYY! (tribe fan)

I was offered Josh Hamilton for Everth Cabrera. no comments, just the trade proposed.

I’m completely out of it this season and more interested in 2014 plus.
I’ve asked anyone who wanted to trade for Cabrera after he was suspended, and this is the only person who has shown any interest.
Josh Hamilton has been a complete mess, but would he be worth the risk of keeping for next season based on who else is on my team.

@Sixto Lezcano: Yes. The fact that you don’t enjoy watching tall guys sticking there hands between much fatter guys ass and balls, while the fatter guys bend over in front of the tall guys, while the tall guys shout to the fat guys, give me the ball, I’m gonna hand it to one of the fast guys, and one or more of the strong guys are gonna hug them until they go to the ground and then lay on top of them, and then, if it was a really good hug, they will get up and do a little dance, in which he thrusts his balls back and forth and makes a motion with his hands like he has someone else bent over, guessing, probably one of the fatter guys, since it seems like that’s just what they do, the fact that you don’t like this, makes you less of a man!

with the likely liriano and burnett benchings from being in coors (and i’m probably still running porcello out there today) and my being near tied in era/whip, destroying opp in wins/falling behind in K’s (he has 6 more starts to my 3 due to benchings) should i drop shark for rienzo’s juicy start tomorrow? 10 team league here where I am in 1st place. Could later go back to either gee or shark. Shark seems more useful, but i also don’t want a start like that one blowing my face and wallet up if he were to do that in the playoffs.

Trade my Price, Jim Johnson, Quintana, and Castro for his Posey? I need AVG, HR and R and am in first place in most pitching categories. FIrst place in saves by a mile so Johnson is easy to give up. But this still seems like a big price for the upgrade from Castro to Posey. My other pitchers are Cain, Greinke, Fister, and Kluber (DL). I would pickup someone like Kazmire to replace Price.

Also, last year you included a hilarious story about your Grandfather and his dating multiple women at the same time. I’d like to share that story with a friend. Would you mind suggesting how I can find it here?

The mothers of the “disappeared commentors” gather outside at the fountain everyday holding photographs of their missing sons and daughters..

They chant and give interviews to any who will stop to listen to their pleas for information and justice for their missing children…

They chant, “STOP RAZZBALL DISAPPEARANCES NOW!!!!”

Another, “PINOCHET OR MR. GREY… WHAT’S THE DIFF!!!”

And, “JUSTICE MUST BE SERVED – STOP THE RAZZBALL JUNTA!!!!”

And, “END RAZZBALL’S OPERATION CONDOR NOW!!!”

And, on and. on..

Above high in the tower, Mr Grey to the RB staff, “””Alright men, load up your industrial sized Mace backpacks, now… Lock and load… Let’s go get those old pinko biddies…. Remember, No Mercy!!!… FOR RAZZBALL, FREEDOM AND AMERICAN FAMILY VALUES””””

*
*
*

Renyolds to A’s or the Birds????

Texas in rare MLB blocking waiver claim… WOW!! This is just not done in better MLB circles… Consider the source! It is a Texas team after all…

@t moore’s mom’s ghost: I thought the mom’s around the fountain in the plaza are from the dirty war…..regardless there are so many amazing mustaches down there that I don’t think out mothers would ever come back

I missed out on Salazar because I was busy opening the bar in Nashville. If this costs me the championship in my h2h league I’m going to need to remember to never leave the house from April to October. Please remind me next year.

@Grey: Nashville went well. Worked nonstop for a couple of days to get it open and we got it open and it looks great, a lot of cool people showed up, and the food was excellent. I think it’s gonna work. I’m going out there again in Sept for a grand opening party w the other investors, but otherwise probably can’t justify going out more than once or twice a year.

Well, I missed out on Danny Salazar so I figured Carlos Martinez might be the next best choice since it seemd like Miller (who I own) may miss a few starts. I looked at CM’s note last night and it said he had a right index finger cramp. What the f!

Fortunately, I couldn’t start him until next week, so I dropped him. Pitching be hard to come by.

@Grey:
I am debating dropping Wheeler in a 12 team H2H 5X5 keeper league(we only keep 10). If it were a dynasty league i would keep him without hesitation. But since we only keep 10 and I already have Harvey, Fernandez and Cole who all will be facing inning limits, I feel like I should drop him.

I was all set to grab Salazar but he was just taken.
The only arms i see worth grabbing are
R.PORCELLO
M.ESTRADA
W.PERALTA
B.CHEN
J.CHACIN
A.CASHNER
E.JACKSON
Which of these guys would you grab for Wheeler?
Or would you recommend hanging on to him
Thanks

I am debating dropping Wheeler in a 12 team H2H 5X5 keeper league(we only keep 10). If it were a dynasty league i would keep him without hesitation. But since we only keep 10 and I already have Harvey, Fernandez and Cole who all will be facing inning limits, I feel like I should drop him.

I was all set to grab Salazar but he was just taken.
The only arms i see worth grabbing are
R.PORCELLO
M.ESTRADA
W.PERALTA
B.CHEN
J.CHACIN
A.CASHNER
E.JACKSON
Which of these guys would you grab for Wheeler?
Or would you recommend hanging on to him
Thanks

Thanks a lot Grey! I trusted you! I, I drafted Smarjdahole in almost every league. I’m on my way to the hospital for an operation by something called a ‘proctologist’ after that last outing. Not fun! My league commissioners have actually rated placed a MPAA rating on my ratios! Now kids can’t even look at my stats because they’re rated MA for gore and graphic violence. If it weren’t for the fact that all my teams are in medals because of your advice I’d be realllllllllly pissed!