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Contents
Publisher’s Foreword
10
Introduction
17
1.
They did not beneﬁt
19
2.
What are we going to learn?
22
3.
Why do we search for skills?
24
4.
Improve yourself
28
5.
Do not cry over spilt milk
32
6.
Be unique
35
7.
Who is the most beloved to you?
39
8.
Enjoy the skills
48
9.
With the poor
52
10.
With women
55
11.
With children...
61
12.
With slaves and servants
66
13.
With adversaries
69
5
14.
With animals
78
15.
A hundred ways to win people’s hearts
82
16.
Purify your intention for the sake of Allah
86
17.
Use the right ﬂavour
91
18.
Choose the right topics
108
19.
Be kind at the ﬁrst meeting
117
20.
People are like the minerals of the earth
124
21.
Mu’awiyah’s hair
139
22.
The keys to hearts
145
23.
Taking one’s psychologicalcondition...
148
24.
Be concerned about others
154
25.
Show them that you want the best...
170
26.
Remember names
176
27.
Be observant and complimentary
179
28.
Only pass comment on what is good
187
29.
Do not interfere in matters that...
191
30.
How to deal with a meddlesome person
196
31.
Do not criticise!
199
32.
Do not be dictatorial
207
33.
Hold the stick from the middle
215
6
34.
Make it easy to rectify a fault
225
35.
The other opinion
237
36.
Respond to mistreatment with kindness
244
37.
Convince him of his error so he may....
254
38.
Do not criticise me! End of story?
262
39.
Verify the fault before criticising
276
40.
Whip me gently!
281
41.
Run away from problems!
285
42.
Admit your faults and do not be arrogant…
294
43.
The keys to mistakes…
300
44.
Untie the bundle
309
45.
Self torture
316
46.
Problems with no solutions
323
47.
Do not kill yourself by grief
325
48.
Be content with what Allah has apportioned...
329
49.
Be a mountain
337
50.
Do not curse him because he drinks alcohol!
342
51.
If what you desire does not happen,....
344
52.
We can disagree and still be brothers!
347
53.
G; entleness only beautiﬁes
352
7
54.
Between the living and the dead
363
55.
Make your tongue sweet
377
56.
Be concise and do not argue
385
57.
Do not care about what people say
389
58.
Smile and keep smiling
392
59.
The red lines
396
60.
Keeping a secret
401
61.
Fulﬁlling people’s needs
409
62.
Do not burden yourself with what you....
413
63.
Who kicked the cat?
419
64.
Humbleness
428
65.
To worship in secret
431
66.
Take them out of the ditch
439
67.
Looking after one’s appearance
442
68.
Honesty
446
69.
Bravery
450
70.
Steadiness on principles
453
71.
Temptations
458
72.
Forgiving others
462
73.
Generosity
472
8
74.
Restraining oneself from harming others
482
75.
Do not gain enemies
487
76.
The tongue is king
489
77.
Control your tongue
497
78.
The key
502
79.
The emotional bank balance
510
80.
The magician
515
81.
Help by your speech if you cannot do so...
524
82.
Supplications
534
83.
Patching up
549
84.
Look with both eyes
554
85.
The art of listening
559
86.
The art of discussion
565
87.
Block the escape routes of the detractors
572
88.
Wait and do not interrupt!
576
89.
Charity before consultation
580
90.
It is not important to always be successful
589
91.
Be brave and start from now!
591
9
Publisher’s Foreword
It so happened that in the year 2007, I was in the city of the
Prophet . It has been my old habit that whenever I travel to
a city, I always make it a point to visit all its bookstores. When
it comes to books, the city of Madinah is in its own league. In
the bookstores of Madinah, one is bound to come across all
the newly published literature − and shopping for books is, of
course, my favourite pastime. The staff who work at most of the
bookstores near the Prophet’s Mosque know me on a personal
basis, as a large number of Darussalam’s publications are available
at these stores.
One day, when I was visiting one of these bookstores, I looked
at the shelves and noticed a book called, ‘Enjoy Your Life’. Just as
I was about to pick it up, Abu ‘Abdullah greeted me, hugged me,
and asked, ‘When did you arrive? How long are you here for?’
Meanwhile, I reached out for the book… Abu ‘Abdullah, who is
originally from Yemen, has been involved in the book market for
a long time. He is one of the many Darussalam distributors. He
noticed the book in my hand and said, ‘This book is excellent.
If you were to publish its translation, it would be considered a
valuable addition to the international Islamic book collection.’
He continued as he held my hand, ‘This book has made a record
10
number of sales.’
Some time later, in my hotel room, I began reading the book.
As I continued reading, I became more and more captivated by
it. There is no doubt that the subject of the book itself was the
thing that most interested me.
Solutions to all the problems of the Muslim nation are present
in the life of Allah’s Messenger . His life is certainly an example
for us to follow and a model for us to refer to at all times. No
matter what problem arises in our lives, if we look to the Prophet’s Seerah for a solution, we will surely ﬁnd it.What makes this
book outstanding is that it deals with our social problems in light
of the Prophetic lifestyle. The work is ﬁlled with incidents from
the Seerah, Islamic history, and the author’s own experiences.
By reading this book and implementing it practically, all of us can
make our lives more enjoyable and more tranquil.
This book includes remedies for despondency and numerous tips on how to keep worries and stress at bay.The author of
this book, Dr. Muhammad bin ‘Abd ar-Rahman al-‘Ariﬁ is a well
known scholar and lecturer from Saudi Arabia. His audiences are
left mesmerised during his lectures as he has such a unique way
of speaking that even us, the non-Arabs, are enchanted by his
words. A visit to any of the Islamic audiocassette shops in this
land gives proof to the popularity of this talented lecturer, and a
single hearing of any of his lectures guarantees addiction!
When I returned to Riyadh from Madinah, I requested one of
our Egyptian Darussalam associates, Muhammad Shakir Qadhi,
to establish contact with Dr. Al-‘Ariﬁ and to request permission
11
for the translation of his book. After a few days, we managed to
establish contact with Dr. Al-‘Ariﬁ. Fortunately, for us, he was
already familiar with Darussalam. As he said himself, most of the
books he takes on his international travels are of Darussalam
publications. It is always easier to work towards an agreement
if there is preceding familiarity. We invited Dr. Al-‘Ariﬁ over to
Darussalam’s headquarters for a visit, and he gladly accepted the
invitation. Thus, we had the pleasure of his company.
I found him to be just as handsome and immaculate as are
his works and lectures. He has a unique and charming character and a very humble personality. I know from my experience
with people in the Islamic world, that the more famous and well
respected a person becomes, the more modest and noble is his
behaviour. Dr. Al-‘Ariﬁ signed the contract with Darussalam and
then excused himself, saying he was in a hurry and that he would
return soon to discuss further details.
After a couple of weeks or so, as I was travelling once again to
Madinah, I coincidently noticed Dr. Al-‘Ariﬁ seated on the same
plane. As the seat besides him was empty, we had the opportunity to sit together and familiarise ourselves with each other
even more. We spoke at length and felt closer to one another. A
few days later, he returned to Darussalam and gave us a number
of new suggestions. We introduced him to some of our projects,
and it was then decided that Darussalam would translate his
books into various languages.
He explained how his book, ‘Enjoy Your Life’ is in reality a
summary of his entire life experience. He spent a considerable
amount of time authoring this book. There is no doubt that he
12
wrote this work from the very depths of his heart, and one really must read it to realise and acknowledge the beauty of it.This
book was published in Arabic in Sha’ban 1428AH, corresponding to August 2007, and within the span of one year, it had sold
100,000 copies.
As mentioned previously, Dr. Muhammad al-‘Ariﬁ is indigenously from Saudi Arabia. He is from the famous Arab tribe
known as Banu Khalid (Banu Makhzum) − it goes without mentioning that Banu Khalid are the descendants of the famous soldier, Mujahid and Companion of the Prophet, Khalid bin al-Walid
– may Allah be pleased with him. Dr. Muhammad bin ‘Abd ar-Rahman al-‘Ariﬁ was born in the year 1970. He graduated from Saudi
universities where he acquired his PhD. The title of his PhD research thesis was “Ara’ Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyya ﬁ al-Suﬁyya
– Jam’ wa Dirasah” (The Views of Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah
on Suﬁsm – a Compilation and Study).
Currently, he is a founding and dignitary member of various
Da’wah organisations, as well as being a member of their advisory
committees. He is also a member of the advisory board for many
international organisations. Aside from being a visiting professor
in various Saudi and foreign universities, he is also a professor
in King Saud University of Riyadh. He has been delivering Friday
sermons for over twenty years in different mosques in Saudi
Arabia. Currently, he delivers his Friday sermons in al-Bawaardi
mosque, which is a major mosque located in the south of Riyadh.
Every Friday, so many people attend, that it is impossible to ﬁnd
a parking space anywhere in the vicinity of the mosque. Once I
had the opportunity of praying the Friday prayer behind Dr. Al-
13
‘Ariﬁ.We arrived at the mosque very early, but despite that, we
had to park very far away. The ground ﬂoor of the mosque was
fully occupied, so we went up to the ﬁrst ﬂoor where we were
able to ﬁnd a place to sit. Soon afterwards, the ﬁrst ﬂoor also
became congested with worshippers. Dr. Muhammad al-‘Ariﬁ is
an amazing orator. He was fortunate enough to be a student of
Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Aziz bin Baz for ﬁfteen to sixteen years, and from
whom he learnt Tafseer and Fiqh. For eight years, he took lessons from Dr. ‘Abdullah al-Jibrin in Tawheed. His other teachers
include, Shaykh ‘Abdullah bin Qu’ud, Shaykh ‘Abd al-Rahman bin
Nasir al-Barrak and various other scholars. His connections with
the scholars of Madinah go back very far. During his days as a student and thereafter, he learnt Fiqh from those scholars. He has
memorised the Qur’an and is known for his ﬁne recitation. He
takes a special interest in Hadeeth literature and has received
licences for the chains of transmission for various Hadeeth texts
from a number of scholars.
More than twenty of his works in Arabic have been published
and distributed in nearly a million copies. His books, which are
often published in four colours, are attractive and pleasing to
the eye, and available at low-cost. It is because his books deal
with issues affecting the lives of everyday people, that they are
acclaimed and appreciated by all. Many well-wishers make his
books their choice for their donations and free distributions.
The following is a list of some of the works of Dr. Muhammad al-‘Ariﬁ:
- A work on Tawheed called Irkab Ma’ana, an excellent work
of which 400,000 copies have been published.
14
- A work on Da’wah to Allah, called Hal Tabhath ‘an Wadhifa,
of which 150,000 copies have been published.
- Innaha Malikah, in 150,000 copies.
- Fi Batn al-Hut, in 150,000 copies.
- A work on the topic of worship in 100,000 copies.
- A work on the topic of Hijaab called Sarkha ﬁ Mat’am alJami’a, in 150,000 copies.
- Rihla Ila al-Sama’ with 150,000 copies published and sold.
- A compilation of counselling to doctors and patients called
‘Ashiq ﬁ Ghurfat al-‘Amaliyat in 70,000 copies.
- A pamphlet called Adhkar al-Muslim al-Yawmiyyah, of which
20 million copies have been published within only three years.
Many of Dr. al-‘Ariﬁ’s lectures are available on the internet
without charge; he also writes columns and essays for various
newspapers and magazines and has appeared on a number of
Arabic satellite television channels.
The administration of Darussalam hopes, in the very near future, to translate into different languages and publish the various
works of Dr. Al-‘Ariﬁ while maintaining a high literary standard,
Allah willing.
I would like to thank our brothers Saleem Beg and Nasim
Chowdhury for translating and editing this work respectively.
We pray to Allah that He grants the author, the translator and
the editor good health and long life, and that He blesses their
knowledge and actions. We would be extremely delighted to
15
receive any feedback or suggestions from our readers, and we
hope you remember us in your prayers.
Your loving brother
‘Abdul-Malik Mujahid
Darussalam Publishers
Riyadh - Saudi Arabia August 2008
16
Introduction
All praise is due to Allah. May Allah’s peace and blessings be
upon the one after whom there is no other prophet.
As a seventeen year old, I came across a book called, ‘How
to Win Friends and Inﬂuence People’ by Dale Carnegie, which I
found to be quite excellent and which I subsequently read several times. The author suggested that one should read the book
once a month, which is exactly what I did. I began to apply its
principles when dealing with others and witnessed amazing results.
Carnegie would often mention a principle and then cite various examples of this by way of incidents related to prominent
ﬁgures, such as Roosevelt, Lincoln, Joseph, and so on.
I contemplated and realised that the author’s only goal was
to attain worldly happiness.What if he were to have known Islam
and the etiquettes it teaches? He would surely have achieved
eternal as well as ephemeral happiness! How about if he were to
have turned his wonderful interpersonal skills into worship, with
which he would have drawn closer to Allah? When I later discovered that Carnegie had committed suicide, I knew for certain
that his book, despite its merits, had not beneﬁtted him.
17
I then began to search our own history and discovered that
the life of Allah’s Messenger , his Companions, and anecdotes
of some of the prominent men of this ummah are more than
enough for us to learn lessons from. From then on, I began to author this book concerning the art of dealing with others. Hence,
this book is not the product of a month or a year’s toil. Rather,
it is the result of twenty years of serious study.
Although Allah has blessed me with the ability to have produced twenty books so far, some of which have been printed
in their millions, I nevertheless believe that the most beloved,
precious and beneﬁcial of all of them to me is this book, which I
wrote with ink blended with my blood; I poured out my soul and
squeezed out my memories as I wrote these lines.
I have written these words from the very depths of my
heart so it may penetrate the heart of the reader, and would
be delighted to learn that he or she has indeed implemented
its teachings, experienced an improvement in his or her skills,
and therefore actually began enjoying life. If he or she were to
then thankfully write a message expressing his or her views and
feelings honestly and send it to me via email or SMS, I would be
grateful for this kindness and remember to pray for him or her
in their absence.
I pray to Allah that the reader beneﬁts from these pages, and
that He makes my efforts purely for His sake.
Written by the one who is always praying for what is best
for you.
Dr. Muhammad bin ‘Abd al-Rahman al-‘Ariﬁ
18
(1)
They did not beneﬁt
I remember once receiving a message on my mobile phone
which read: “Dear Shaykh, what is the ruling on suicide?”
I called the sender to ﬁnd a very young man on the other
end of the line. I said, “I am sorry, I didn’t understand your question. Can you please repeat your question?”
He said with a grieving voice, “The question is clear. What is
the ruling on suicide?”
I decided to surprise him by saying in response something
unexpected, so I said, “It is recommended!”
He screamed, “What?!”
I said, “How about if we discuss the best way for you to do
it?”
The young man fell silent. I said to him, “OK. Why do you
want to commit suicide?”
He said, “Because, I can’t ﬁnd work. People do not love me.
In fact, I am an utter failure...”, and thus he began to relate to me
his long story in order to prove that he had failed to develop his
interpersonal skills and was unsuccessful in utilising his talents.
This is a problem with many people. Why do some of us feel
19
They did not beneﬁt
1
inferior? Why do we look at those at the peak of the mountain
while thinking of ourselves as unworthy of reaching that peak as
they have, or even climbing it as they did?
The one frightened of climbing mountains
forever lives in the ditches
Do you wish to know who will not beneﬁt from this book,
or any other similar book, for that matter? It is the unfortunate
one who surrenders to his own errors and becomes satisﬁed
with his limited skills, and says, “This is my nature. I have become
too used to it now; I cannot change my ways. Everyone knows
this is how I am. I can never speak like Khalid does, or have a
cheerful countenance like Ahmad has, or be universally loved the
way Ziyad is. That would be impossible.”
I once sat with a very old man in a public gathering. Most
of those present were people with the usual skills and abilities.
The old man was busy speaking to whoever was sitting next to
him. He did not stand out in the crowd for any reason, except by
virtue of his old age.
I delivered a lecture and during it mentioned a verdict given
by the eminent Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Aziz bin Baz. When I ﬁnished, the
old man said to me with pride, “Shaykh Ibn Baz and I were colleagues. We used to study together in a mosque under Shaykh
Muhammad bin Ibrahim, about forty years ago.”
I turned around to look at him and noticed that he seemed
very happy to share this information with me. He was delighted
to have accompanied a successful man once in his life. I said to
myself, “Poor man! Why did you not become as successful as Ibn
Baz? If you knew the way to success, why did you not pursue it?
20
They did not beneﬁt
1
Why is it that when Ibn Baz passes away, people cry for him from
the pulpits, mihrabs, and institutes, and various nations grieve
over the loss; yet, when your death comes, perhaps, nobody
would shed a single tear, except out of kindness or custom!”
We all may say at some time or another, “We knew so-andso and we sat with so-and-so.” But this is nothing to be proud of.
What one can be proud of is to scale the peak as they did.
Be brave and from now on be determined to utilise all the
abilities you possess. Be successful. Replace the frown on your
face with a smile, depression with cheerfulness, miserliness with
generosity, and anger with perseverance. Turn your calamities
into occasions of joy and your faith into a weapon!
Enjoy your life, for it is brief and there is no time in it for
anguish. As for how to do this, then this is the reason for my
writing this book. So bear with me until the end, with Allah’s
permission.
You will bear with us if...
You are brave enough to be determined and persistent on
the development of your interpersonal skills, and if you are willing to take advantage of your abilities and talents.
21
(2)
What are we going to learn?
People generally tend to share their moments of happiness
and sorrow. They are happy when they become wealthy. They
will be joyous when promoted at work, content when they recover from illness, and cheerful when the world smiles at them
and fulﬁls their dreams.
Likewise, they all grieve over illness, disgrace and loss of
wealth. Knowing this to be the case, let us look for ways in which
to make our joy everlasting and hence overpower our sorrows.
Yes, in reality life tends to be both sweet and bitter, and on this
we would not disagree, but why do we often focus on our calamities and sorrows, and as a result become depressed for days
on end? Where an hour is enough to grieve over something,
hours on end are spent grieving. Why?
I realise that sorrow and anguish enter our hearts without
seeking permission, but for each door of sadness that opens
there are a thousand means of shutting it, and these are what we
will expound here.
Allow me to bring your attention to another matter: How
often is it that we see those people who are loved by everyone?
Many long to meet them and be in their company, but do you
22
What are we going to learn?
2
not wish to be one of them? Why be content at being amazed by
such people all the time? Why not try to be amazing yourself?
Here we will learn how to be amazing.
Why was it that when your cousin spoke at the gathering,
everyone listened to him attentively? Why were they amazed at
his manners of speech? Why was it that when you spoke, they
all turned away and began to talk amongst themselves? Why was
that? You may be more well-informed, better qualiﬁed and possess a higher status than him. How then did he manage to get all
the attention and you failed?
Why is it that one father is dearly loved by his children who
love to greet him and accompany him wherever he goes, while
another father begs his children to accompany him while they
keep making all kinds of excuses to avoid doing so?
Are they not both fathers? Then why the difference?
Here we will learn how to enjoy life, know the various techniques to attract people, inﬂuence them, persevere with their
faults, deal with people with bad manners, and much, much more.
So, welcome!
A word...
Success is not to discover what others like, it is to acquire
and practise the skills that help one gain their love.
23
(3)
Why do we search for skills?
I once visited a deprived town to deliver a lecture, after
which there came to me a teacher from outside the town. He
said, “I hope you can help us ﬁnance some students.”
I said, “Strange! Aren’t the schools government funded, and
therefore free?”
He said, “Indeed they are, but we would like to fund their
university education.”
I said, “Well, the universities are also government funded.
They even offer student grants.”
He said, “Allow me to explain to you...”
“Go ahead”, I said.
He said,“Our students graduate from their secondary school
with no less than 99%.They are so clever that if their intelligence
was divided amongst the ummah, it would sufﬁce! But when a
student becomes determined to travel outside his town to study
Medicine, Engineering, Islamic Law, Computer Science or anything else, his father prevents him from going, saying, ‘What you
know is sufﬁcient! Now, remain with me and be a shepherd!’”
I screamed impulsively, “Be a shepherd?!”
24
Why do we search for skills?
3
He said, “Yes, a shepherd!”
And indeed, the poor boy stays with his father and becomes
a shepherd, whilst all his abilities are wasted. Years go by and he
remains a shepherd. He may even get married and have children whom he may treat exactly as he was treated by his father.
Hence, all his children also become shepherds!
I asked, “So what’s the solution?”
He said, “The solution is to convince the father to employ
someone as a shepherd for a few hundred riyals, which we will
pay, and allow his son to take full advantage of his skills and
abilities. Of course, we will also continue to fund his son until he
graduates.”
The teacher then lowered his head and said, “It is inexcusable that such skills and talents in people are wasted when they
long to utilise them.”
I contemplated upon what he had said and realised that we
cannot reach the pinnacle except by taking advantage of the abilities we have and acquiring those that we do not.
Yes, I would challenge anyone to ﬁnd a successful person,
be they successful in academia, preaching, lecturing, business,
medicine, engineering, or inﬂuencing others; or be they successful in family life, such as a successful father with his children, or a
successful wife with her husband; or be they successful in their
social life, such as a person who is successful with his neighbours
and colleagues – and I mean a truly successful person, not one
who simply climbs upon others’ shoulders! – I would challenge
anyone to ﬁnd me any such highly successful person who does
not practise certain interpersonal skills through which he has
25
Why do we search for skills?
3
been able to achieve such success, whether they realise it or
not.
Some people may exercise such interpersonal skills instinctively, while others may have to learn them in order to be successful, and these latter people are the types of successful personalities whose lives we would like to study and whose methods
we would closely seek to follow in order to discover how they
were successful, and to ﬁnd out whether or not we can take
their route to success.
A while ago, I listened to an interview with one of the most
afﬂuent people in the world, Shaykh Sulayman al-Rajihi, and found
him to be a mountain in terms of his manners and thoughts.This
man owns billions, possesses immense real estate, has built hundreds of mosques, and has sponsored thousands of orphans. He
is hugely successful. He spoke of his humble beginnings around
ﬁfty years ago, when he was a regular person who would only
have enough money to feed himself for the day, and sometimes
not even that. He mentioned that he would sometimes clean
people’s houses to feed himself and continue working at night
at a shop or money exchange. He discussed how he was once
at the bottom of the mountain, and how he continued to climb
until he reached the summit.
I thought about the abilities and skills he possesses and realised that many of us are well capable of being like him, if Allah
grants us the ability. If one learns these skills, exercises them,
perseveres and remains steadfast, then yes, he can surely be like
him.
Another reason for us to search for these skills is that some
26
Why do we search for skills?
3
of us may have certain abilities, which we remain unaware of, or
which nobody has assisted us in discovering, such as the skills
of delivering a lecture, business acumen, or possessing general
knowledge.
One may discover these skills on his own, through a teacher’s or a work colleague’s help, or even through a sincere brother, however few they may be! However, these skills may remain
buried inside the person until his personality becomes as stale as
anyone else’s, and this is when we all lose out on another leader,
lecturer or scholar, or perhaps a successful husband, or a caring
father.
Here we will mention certain skills which we would like to
remind you of if you already possess them, or which we would
like to train you in if you don’t. So come along!
A thought...
When you climb a mountain, look to the top and not to the
rocks that surround you. Make sure of where you step as you
climb, and do not leap in case you loose your footing.
27
(4)
Improve yourself
You sit with someone who is twenty years old and notice
that he has particular etiquettes, logic and thought. You then sit
with him when he is thirty to discover that he is exactly the
way he was ten years ago and has not improved at all. Yet, you
sit with others and you feel that they are actually taking beneﬁt
from their lives.You discover that they improve themselves on a
daily basis. In fact, not an hour passes except that they improve
either religiously or otherwise. If you wish to ponder upon the
different types of people with respect to self-improvement, then
think about the following:
There are those who like to watch those satellite television channels that help their general knowledge and intelligence
grow. They beneﬁt from other people’s experiences by watching
constructive discussions, from which they learn the characteristics of debating and improve their language, understanding, and
expertise in debate and persuasion.
Then there are those who cannot miss out on a series about
a failed love story, or an emotional play, or a horror ﬁlm, or ﬁlms
about useless fantasies with no link to reality at all.
Notice the difference between the two after ﬁve or ten years.
28
4
Improve yourself
Which of the two would have improved the most in his skills and
ability to fathom information, gain general knowledge, have the
power to convince others, or successfully be able to cope with
diverse situations? No doubt the ﬁrst person! You will ﬁnd the
mannerisms of the ﬁrst person to be completely different.
When he argues, he does so on the basis of legal references,
facts and ﬁgures, while the second can only quote the words of
actors and singers, so much so that one such person once said
during a discussion, “Allah says: ‘Strive, my servant, and I shall
strive with you!’’
We informed him that this is not a verse from the Qur’an.
His complexion changed and he fell silent. I then thought about
the phrase and it occurred to me that it is an Egyptian idiom
which was imprinted on his mind after watching a drama series!
Let’s look at it from another angle – that of reading newspapers and magazines. How many people take an interest in reading
beneﬁcial news and information that helps them in developing
their personality, improves their skills and increases their general
knowledge? Yet, how many are those who cannot read except
sports and entertainment news? This is true to such an extent
that many newspapers compete with each other by increasing
the sports and entertainment pages at the cost of other sections. The same can be said about our gatherings and the things
in which we spend our time.
Hence, if you would like to be a head instead of a tail, then
eagerly try to practice all skills, regardless of what they may be.
‘Abdullah was an energetic person but lacking in certain skills.
One day, he left his home to pray Dhuhr in the mosque. It was
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Improve yourself
his zeal for the prayer and respect for his religion which brought
him out to pray. He was walking fast in order to reach the
mosque before the Iqamah was given. On his way, he passed by
a date-palm tree on top of which there was a man in uniform,
working on the tree. ‘Abdullah became surprised and thought,
“Who is this man that does not care about the prayer! It is as if
he didn’t even hear the Adhan, or doesn’t care about the Iqamah,
which is about to go!”
He shouted in anger, “Get down and pray!”
The man responded coldly, “OK, OK...”
He said, again, “Hurry up and pray, you donkey!”
The man screamed,“You called me a donkey?!” He then took
a branch of the tree and descended in order to hit him over the
head with it! ‘Abdullah hid his face with his headscarf so the man
wouldn’t recognise him and went on to the mosque. The man
descended from the tree in anger, went to his house, prayed and
rested for a while. He then returned to the tree to ﬁnish his job.
Then ‘Asr time came and ‘Abdullah went to the mosque again.
On his way he passed by the same tree and noticed the same
man working. He decided to change his method altogether and
said, ‘As-salamu ‘alaykum! How are you?”
The man replied, “Al-hamdulillah, I am ﬁne!”
He said, “Give me some good news. How are the dates this
year?”
The man said, “Al-Hamdulillah.”
‘Abdullah said, “May Allah give you success and provision,
make your life easy for you, and not deprive you of the reward
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Improve yourself
for your work!”
The man was overjoyed at hearing this supplication and said
ameen to the prayer.
‘Abdullah then said, “It seems that you are so preoccupied
with work that perhaps you didn’t notice the Adhan for ‘Asr
prayer. The Adhan has been called and the Iqamah is about to be
given. Perhaps you should get down, relax a little and get ready
for prayer. After the prayer you can get on with your work again.
May Allah keep you healthy.”
The man said, “InshaAllah... InshaAllah...” and began to descend gently.
He then turned to ‘Abdullah, shook his hand warmly and
said, “I would like to thank you for your excellent manners. As
for the one who passed by me at Dhuhr time, I wish I could see
him and show him who the real donkey is!”
The result...
Your skills of dealing with others determine how they deal
with you.
31
(5)
Do not cry over spilt milk
Some people believe that the traits they have been nurtured
on, which they are recognised by and which have left a certain
impression about them on the minds of others can never be
changed. They surrender to this thought, just as a person would
surrender to the fact that he cannot change his height or skin
colour.
On the other hand, an intelligent person thinks that to change
one’s nature can perhaps be easier than changing his clothes.
Our nature is not like spilt milk that cannot be scooped up again.
Rather, we are always in control of it and there are certain ways
in which we can alter it, and even the way we think!
Ibn Hazm mentions in his work Tawq al-Hamamah a tale of
a famous Spanish businessman: There was competition between
him and four other businessmen and as a result, they disliked
him. They were therefore determined to aggravate him. One
morning, he left his house to go to his workplace, wearing a
white shirt and turban. One of the four businessmen met him
on the way. He greeted the Spanish businesman, looked at his
turban and said, “How beautiful this yellow turban is!”
The businessman said, “Are you blind? This turban is white!”
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Do not cry over spilt milk
He replied, “No, it is yellow! It is yellow, but it looks good.”
The businessman left him and moved on until he met the
second of them. He greeted him, then looked at his turban and
said, “You look handsome today! Your clothes look ﬁne! Especially this green turban!”
The businessman said, “Actually, the turban is white.”
“No, it is green,” he insisted.
He replied, “It is white! Go away from me!”
The businessman walked on, talking to himself, and every
now and then looking at the ﬂank of his turban to make sure
that it was indeed white. He reached his shop and opened up the
lock. Meanwhile, there came to him the third of the four businessmen and said, “How beautiful this morning is! And especially
your clothes, they look ﬁne! And your beautiful blue turban only
adds to your good looks!”
The businessman looked at his turban to ascertain its colour, then rubbed his eyes and said, “Dear brother! My turban is
white!”
“No, it is blue. But the important thing is that it looks good,
so don’t worry!” the man said, and left, as the businessman began
to yell after him saying, “The turban is white!” as he looked at his
turban to ascertain its colour once again.
He sat in his shop for a while and couldn’t take his eyes off
his turban. Meanwhile, the fourth person came and said, “Greetings! MashaAllah! From where did you buy this red turban?”
The businessman shouted, “My turban is blue!”
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Do not cry over spilt milk
He replied, “No, it is red.”
The businessman said,“No, it is green! Actually, no, it is white!
No, it is blue, or black!” He then laughed out loud, then screamed,
then began to cry and then started to jump up and down!
Ibn Hazm said, ‘Thereafter, I would see him in the streets of
Spain. He had gone mad and children would pelt stones at him.’
If these four people, by using their skills, were able to change
not only the nature of the person but also his mind, then how
about the tried and tested skills that are supported by revelation
which a person can put into practice in order to become closer
to Allah?
Put into practice whatever good skills you come across and
you will be happy.
If you say to me, “I cannot.”
I would say to you, “At least try!”
If you say to me, “I don’t know how.”
I would say, “Yes, you do!”
The Prophet  said, “Knowledge is only gained through
learning, and clemency is only gained through perseverance.”
A point of view...
The hero is the one who goes beyond his ability to improve
his skills, until he becomes able to improve, and perhaps even
alter, the skills of others.
34
(6)
Be unique
Why is it that some people’s discussions end in argument
while others may discuss the same subject and end their discussion in a friendly manner? It has everything to do with the skills
of holding a discussion.
Why is it that when two people deliver the same sermon
with the same words, you ﬁnd that among the audience of the
ﬁrst person someone is yawning or sleeping, another is playing
with a prayer mat, and others are repeatedly shifting, whilst the
audience listening to the second are listening attentively to the
sermon, such that they cannot even blink an eyelid nor of what is
being said? It has everything to do with oratory skills.
Why is it when so-and-so speaks in a gathering, everyone listens to him attentively and focuses on him, whereas when someone else speaks, they began to talk about other side issues and
start reading their text messages? It has everything to do with
the skills of verbal communication.
Why is it when one school teacher walks through the corridor, all the students gather around him? One shaking his hand,
another asking his advice, and yet another one complaining about
a problem; if he were to sit in his ofﬁce and allow the students
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Be unique
to enter, it would be ﬁlled with students in seconds as everyone wishes to sit with him. Yet, another teacher walks through
the corridor by himself and leaves the school’s mosque and he
is alone. No student approaches him to shake his hand, or to
complain about a problem. If he were to leave his ofﬁce open
from sunrise to sunset, no one would ever come to it as nobody
seems to like to be in his company.
Why?
It has everything to do with interpersonal skills.
One person enters a public gathering and everyone smiles
at his face and feels joy at meeting him; everyone wishes to sit
next to him. However, another person walks in and gets cold
handshakes, either out of custom or kindness. He then looks for
a place to sit but cannot ﬁnd a person who gives him any space
or calls him to sit next to him.
Why?
It has everything to do with the techniques of attracting and
inﬂuencing others.
Why is it that a father enters his house and his children smile
at him with joy, whereas another comes to see his children but
they do not even turn to acknowledge his presence? It is all to
do with the skills of dealing with children. You can say the same
about the mosque, wedding parties and so on.
People differ in varying degrees from each other in terms
of their interpersonal skills, and, accordingly, the way they are
treated by others also differs to varying degrees. Inﬂuencing people and earning their love is easier than one can imagine. I am
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6
Be unique
not exaggerating when I say this, since I have tried these skills a
number of times and found that it is very easy to capture people’s hearts, if indeed we are serious about interpersonal skills
and training ourselves in them.
People are affected by the way we deal with them whether
we realise it or not. For thirteen years, I have been an Imam at a
military college. On my way to the mosque, I pass by a gate that
is watched by a guard.
When I pass by the guadr, I am always eager to smill at him
and signal with my hand by way of giving my salams to him. After
the Salah, I get in my car and make my way hom. Usually, whilst
I am doing my Salah in the mosque, I recieve a number of next
rebages and missed calls, on my cell phone. When I pass by the
great on my way back from the salah, I am preoccupied with ???
the message, so I forgot to smile at him.
Until, one day I was surprised when he stopped me and said,
“Dear Shaykh, are you upset with me?”
“Why would I be?” I asked.
He said, “When you enter I noticed that you smile and you
seem very happy. But when you leave, you neither smile nor
seem pleased.”
The man was very sincere, so he began to swear how much
he loved and respected me, and how joyful he was upon seeing
me. I apologised to him and explained to him the reason for my
behaviour.
I then realised that when we get used to such skills, they
become part of our nature, and others certainly notice when we
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Be unique
negligently fail to practise them.
Enlightenment...
Do not earn wealth and lose people, for earning people is a
way to earning wealth.
38
(7)
Who is the most beloved to you?
You will become the most proﬁcient in using the various
skills in dealing with others when you treat everyone in such a
way that he thinks of himself as the most beloved of all people to
yourself. For instance, you should treat your mother so grandly
that she begins to think you have never treated anyone in such
a ﬁne manner.
You can say the same about the way you should deal with
your father, your wife, your children, and your colleagues. In fact,
you can say the same about someone you meet only once, such
as a shopkeeper, or a petrol station attendant. You could get all
these people to agree that you are the most beloved of all to
them, if only you can make them feel that they are the most beloved of all to you!
The Prophet  was an expert in this.
Whoever reads about the life of the Prophet  will ﬁnd that
he would deal with everyone in an excellent manner. Whoever
he met, he would be very welcoming and cheerful, such that the
person would think that he was the most beloved of all to him,
and therefore, the Prophet  would also become the most beloved of all to that person.
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7
Who is the most beloved to you?
The shrewdest of the Arabs were four, and ‘Amr bin al-‘Aas
was deemed one of them due to his wisdom, sharpness and intelligence. When ‘Amr embraced Islam, he was the leader amongst
his people, and whenever he met the Prophet , he would always ﬁnd him very warm and cheerful.Whenever he entered a
gathering where the Prophet  was sitting, he would be warmly
welcomed. When the Prophet  would call him, he would use
the names that were most beloved to him.
By experiencing such excellent treatment, he felt certain that
he was the most beloved of all to the Messenger of Allah . One
day, he decided to conﬁrm his feelings, so he approached the
Prophet  and sat next to him.
He said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, who is the most beloved to
you?’
He said, “A’ishah.”
‘Amr said, “No. I mean, from the men, O Messenger of Allah.
I do not mean from amongst your family.”
He said, “Her father.”
‘Amr said, “And then?”
He said, “Umar bin al-Khattab.”
‘Amr said, “And then?”
The Prophet  then began to mention a number of people
saying,“So-and-so and so-and-so...” in accordance with how early
they had embraced Islam and the sacriﬁces they had made.
‘Amr then said, “I then remained silent, fearing that he may
rank me last!”
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Who is the most beloved to you?
Notice how the Prophet  managed to capture ‘Amr’s heart
by exercising his outstanding skills. In fact, the Prophet  would
rank people according to their worth. Sometimes, he would even
leave what he was doing to tend to other’s needs, just to make
them feel that they were loved and held in high regard.
When the Prophet’s inﬂuence extended after his conquests
and Islam had spread far and wide, the Prophet  began sending
preachers to various tribes to call them to Islam. Sometimes he
even had to send armies. ‘Adi bin Hatim al-Ta’i was a king and
the son of a king. When the Prophet  sent an army to the Tai’
tribe, ‘Adi ran away from the battle and took refuge in Syria.
When the Muslim army reached Tai’ they found it easy to defeat
them as they had neither a king nor an organised army.The Muslims would always treat people kindly in wars and respect their
emotions, even during battle. The purpose of the battle was to
prevent the plots of ‘Adi’s people against the Muslims and to display to them the Muslims’ strength. The Muslims captured some
people from ‘Adi’s tribe, amongst whom was ‘Adi’s sister. They
took the captives to the Prophet  in Madinah and informed
him about ‘Adi’s escape to Syria. The Prophet  was surprised,
thinking how could he have run away from the ture religion?
How could he have left his people behind?
However, there was no way for the Muslims to contact ‘Adi.
‘Adi himself did not enjoy his stay in Syria and was compelled to
come back to the Arab lands. He then could not but help go to
Madinah to meet with the Prophet  and make peace with him,
or to create some sort of understanding. (It is also claimed that
his sister went to Syria to bring him back to the Arabs).
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Who is the most beloved to you?
‘Adi said whilst relating his story, “None from the Arabs disliked the Messenger of Allah  as much as I did. I was a Christian
and a king amongst my people. When I heard about the Messenger of Allah , I despised him and left my people to go to Caesar
of Rome. But I disliked staying there, too. So I thought that if I
went to this man and he turned out to be a liar, then he wouldn’t
be able to harm me, and if he was truthful, then I would know. So
I decided to go to him…”
“When I arrived in Madinah, the people began to say, ‘This is
‘Adi bin Hatim! This is ‘Adi bin Hatim!’ I continued to walk until
I reached the Messenger of Allah  who said to me: ‘‘Adi bin
Hatim?’
I said: ‘Adi bin Hatim’.” The Prophet  became overjoyed by
his arrival and welcomed him, even though ‘Adi had previously
fought against the Muslims, ran away from the battle, despised
Islam and sought refuge amongst the Christians. Despite all of
that the Prophet  met him with a smile and took him by his
hand to his house. As ‘Adi walked alongside the Prophet , he
considered him to be completely equal to himself, since Muhammad  was the ruler of Madinah and its outskirts while ‘Adi was
the ruler over the Ta’i mountains and its outskirts. Muhammad
 was a follower of a heavenly religion – Islam, just as ‘Adi was
a follower of a heavenly religion – Christianity. Muhammad 
had a revealed scripture – the Qur’an, just as ‘Adi had a revealed
scripture - the Gospel. ‘Adi thought that there was no difference
between the two except in terms of power and military might.
While they were on their way, three things happened. As
they were walking, a woman came and began to shout in the
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Who is the most beloved to you?
middle of their path, “O Messenger of Allah! I need your help!”
The Prophet  left ‘Adi’s hand and went to the woman to listen
to what she had to say. ‘Adi bin Hatim −who had witnessed many
kings and leaders - as he watched this happen, began to compare
this with what he knew of the actions of kings and ministers. He
thought for a while, until it occurred to him that these mannerisms were not that of kings, but rather of the Prophets!
When the woman’s need was fulﬁlled, the Prophet  came
back to ‘Adi and they both continued to walk, and as they did,
a man came to the Prophet . What did he say? Did he say, “O
Messenger of Allah! I have surplus wealth and am looking to give
some to a poor person?” Did he say, “I harvested my crops and I
have some extra fruit.What shall I do with it?” If only he were to
have asked such questions so that ‘Adi would have felt that the
Muslims had wealth.
Instead, the man said, “O Messenger of Allah! I complain to
you about hunger and poverty.” The man was unable to ﬁnd anything with which to abate his and his children’s hunger, whilst the
Muslims around him could barely get by, and hence, were unable
to help him.
‘Adi was listening as the man asked the Prophet  his question. The Prophet  then responded to him, after which he left.
When they continued to walk, there came another man who
said, “O Messenger of Allah! I complain to you about highway
robbers!” Meaning, “O Messenger of Allah! We have numerous
enemies surrounding us and therefore cannot safely leave the
walls of our city due to the disbelievers and thieves.” The Prophet
 responded to him with a few words and continued. ‘Adi began
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Who is the most beloved to you?
to think about what he had seen. He himself was honoured by
his people, and he didn’t have any enemies waiting to attack him.
Why then were so many people accepting this religion whilst
they were weak and poor?
They both reached the Prophet’s house and entered. Inside
there was only one couch available so the Prophet  gave it to
‘Adi in his honour, saying, “Take this to sit on.” ‘Adi gave it back to
him and said, “Rather, you should sit on it.” The Prophet  said,
“Rather, you should sit on it.” ‘Adi then did as he was told.
Then the Prophet  began to break down all the barriers
that existed between ‘Adi and Islam. He said, “O ‘Adi, accept Islam and you will be safe.”
‘Adi said, “I already have a religion.”
The Prophet  said, “I know more about your religion than
you do.”
He said, “You know more about my religion than I do?”
The Prophet  said, “Yes! Are you not from the Rukusiyya?”
Rukusiyya was a sub-sect within Christianity with elements
of Zoarastianism. It was become of his skills of persuasion that
the Prophet  did not ask, “Are you a Christian?” Rather, he circumvented this fact and mentioned something more particular,
i.e. the sub-sect of Christianity which he belonged to.
This is just as if you were to meet someone in a European
country who said to you, “Why don’t you become a Christian?”
And you were to say to him, “I already have a religion.”
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Who is the most beloved to you?
And he didn’t reply with, “Are you a Muslim?” or even, “Are
you a Sunni?” But rather, with, “Are you a Shaﬁ’i or a Hanbali?”
You would then realise that he knows much about your religion.
This is exactly what the Prophet  did with ‘Adi by asking,
“Are you not from the Rakusiyya?”
“Indeed, I am,” replied ‘Adi.
The Prophet  said, “When you go to war, do you not share
one quarter of your people’s gains?’
He said, ‘Yes, I do.”
The Prophet  said, “This is not allowed in your religion.”
“Adi admitted in embarrassment, ‘Yes.”
The Prophet  said, “I know what is preventing you from accepting Islam. You think that the only people to follow this man
(i.e., himself) are the oppressed people who have no strength:
the Arabs have discarded them. O ‘Adi! Have you heard of alHira (a city in ‘Iraq)?”
‘Adi said, “I haven’t seen it but I have heard of it.”
The Prophet  said, “I swear by the One who has my soul
in His Hand, Allah will complete this affair, until a woman travels
from al-Hira to make Tawaf around the Ka’bah, without fearing
anyone.” Meaning: Islam will one day become so strong that a
woman would be able to travel from al-Hira to Makkah without
a male guardian and without any need for protection. She would
pass by hundreds of tribes and no one would dare to harm her
or take her wealth. This is because the Muslims will become so
strong that no one would dare to trouble a Muslim from fear of
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Who is the most beloved to you?
other Muslims rushing to his or her help.
When ‘Adi heard this, he began to picture this in his mind – a
woman leaving ‘Iraq and reaching Makkah, i.e. approaching from
the north of the peninsula, and passing by the Ta’i mountains
where his people reside.
‘Adi became amazed and said to himself, “What will the bandits do who terrorise us and the rest of our cities?!”
The Prophet  said, “You will seize the treasures of Kisra
bin Hurmuz.”
He said, “The treasures of Ibn Hurmuz?”
Yes, “Kisra bin Hurmuz, and you will spend it all in the path
of Allah. If you live long, you would see a man offering a handful of gold or silver to others but none will accept it.” Meaning:
wealth will be so plentiful that a rich man will look for someone
to accept his charity but will not be able to ﬁnd a poor person
to give it to.
The Prophet  then admonished ‘Adi and reminded him of
the Hereafter. He said, “One of you shall meet Allah on the Last
Day without anyone to translate the dialogue between you and
Allah. He will look to his right and not see anything except Hell.
He will then look to his left and not see anything except Hell.”
‘Adi remained silent and began to think. The Prophet 
abruptly said, “O ‘Adi! What is preventing you from saying: There
is none worthy of worship but Allah? Do you know of a god
greater than Him?”
‘Adi said, “In that case, I am a monotheist Muslim; I bear witness that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and I
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Who is the most beloved to you?
bear witness that Muhammad is the Servant and the Messenger
of Allah!”
The Prophet’s face became overjoyed.
‘Adi bin Hatim later said, “I have seen a woman riding a camel
travelling from Al-Hira till it made Tawaf around Ka‘bah fearing
none but Allâh, I have also been one of those who opened the
treasures of Kisra bin Hurmuz. I swear by the One who has my
soul in His Hand, the third prophecy will also be fulﬁlled, since
Allah’s Messenger has said so!” (Muslim and Ahmad)
Contemplate the way the Prophet  dealt with ‘Adi, how he
welcomed him, something which ‘Adi no doubt felt. Think how
all of his ﬁne manners contributed to ‘Adi accepting Islam. If we
were to practise these skills with people, we would also successfully capture their hearts.
A thought...
With gentleness and interpersonal skills, we can achieve our
objectives.
47
(8)
Enjoy the skills
These skills give us physical pleasure, and I do not mean by
this the pleasure of the Hereafter only. Rather, it is that pleasure
one actually feels in this world. So enjoy these skills and practise
them with the old, young, rich, poor, near or far. Use these skills
with them in order to guard yourself from their harm, to earn
their love, or to rectify them.
‘Ali bin al-Jahm was a very eloquent poet, but he was a
Bedouin. The only life he knew was the desert life. The Caliph,
al-Mutawakkil, was very powerful. People would go to visit him
and return with whatever they wished. One day, ‘Ali bin al-Jahm
entered Baghdad and it was said to him, “Whoever praises the
Caliph is bestowed with honour and gifts.”
‘Ali became excited and went to the Caliph’s palace. There
he saw the poets reciting their poems in praise of the Caliph and
returning with gifts. Al-Mutawakkil was known for his authority,
awe and power. ‘Ali began to praise the Caliph with a poem in
which he likened him to a dog, a goat and a bucket, whilst other
poets likened him to the sun, the moon and the mountains!
The Caliph became angry, and his guards unsheathed their
swords and prepared to strike off his neck. But then, the Caliph
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Enjoy the skills
realised that ‘Ali bin al-Jahm was from the desert and that his
personality and poetic taste was shaped accordingly. He decided
to change his personality, so he ordered his men to house him in
a section of the palace, be treated with kindness and be given all
the available pleasures.
Al-Jahm tasted some of these bounties and sat on couches
side by side with eloquent poets and authors for seven months.
One day, as the Caliph was sitting in his nightly gathering, he
remembered ‘Ali bin al-Jahm, so he sent for him. When al-Jahm
ﬁnally came to him, he said, “Sing some verses to me, O ‘Ali bin
al-Jahm!” Al-Jahm began to move emotions using soft and kind
words, and likened the king to the sun, the stars and the sword.
Notice how the Caliph was able to change Ibn al-Jahm’s personality. How often have we been upset by the bad behaviour of
our children and friends? Did we ever try to change their nature
successfully? Even more, you should be able to change your own
personality by replacing a frowning face with a smiling one, replacing anger with forbearance, and miserliness with generosity.
None of this is difﬁcult, but it does require determination and
persistence, so be brave!
Whoever reads the life of the Prophet  realises that he
would deal with people with these skills and capture their hearts.
The Prophet  would not simply pretend to have these skills in
front of people and replace his forbearance with anger when
being alone with his family. He was never one to be cheerful
with some but sulky with his own family. He was never one to
be generous with everyone except his own children and wives.
Rather, he always acted naturally. He would worship Allah by his
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Enjoy the skills
ﬁne manners just as he would worship Him by offering the Duha
or night prayers. He would consider his smile to be a virtue, his
gentleness an act of worship, and his forgiveness and leniency a
good deed. The one who considers good manners to be acts of
worship will always remain well-mannered, in war and peace,
when he is hungry and when he is full, when healthy or ill, and
even when happy or sad.
How many women only hear about the reﬁned manners of
their husbands, such as their patience, cheerfulness and generosity, but never witness any of these qualities at home? Such
husbands, often when at home, are ill-mannered, impatient, sulky
and constantly cursing.
As for the Prophet , he said, “The best of you is the one
who is best to his family. And I am the best of you to my family.”
(al-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah, Sahih)
Now read how he would deal with his family: Al-Aswad bin
Yazid said, “I asked ‘A’ishah – may Allah be pleased with her –
how Allah’s Messenger  would behave in his house. She said:
‘He would be serving his family, and when the time for prayer
would come he would perform ablution and leave to pray.’’
The same can be said about parents. How often is it that we
hear of the good manners that some display, such as generosity,
cheerfulness and kind behaviour towards others, and yet with
the closest people to them who have the greatest rights over
them, such as their parents, wives and children, they are distant
and cold.
Yes, the best of you is the best to his family, to his parents,
to his wife, to his servants, and even to his children. One night,
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as Abu Layla – may Allah be pleased with him – sat next to the
Prophet , there came to him, either al-Hasan or al-Husayn, so
the Prophet  lifted him up and placed him on his stomach. The
toddler then urinated on the Prophet’s stomach. Abu Layla said,
“I saw the urine trickling down from the Prophet’s stomach. So
we leapt up to the Prophet , but he said: ‘Leave my son alone.
Do not scare him.’”
When the toddler had ﬁnished urinating, he called for some
water and poured it over his stomach.’ (Ahmad and al-Tabarani,
with trustworthy narrators)
How amazing was the Messenger of Allah  to train and
adorn himself with such manners! No wonder he was able to
win the hearts of the young and old.
Opinion...
Instead of cursing the darkness, try to ﬁx the lamp.
51
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With the poor
Many people today view manners in a commercial light. To
them, only rich people’s jokes are worth laughing at, and only
their faults are considered small and worthy of overlooking.
As for the poor, their jokes are unbearable and only worthy of
ridicule, while their faults are magniﬁed and they are shouted
down.
As for the Prophet , his kindness extended to both rich
and poor alike. Anas – may Allah be pleased with him – said,
“There was a man from amongst the Bedouins whose name was
Zahir bin Haram. Whenever he came to Madinah for a need,
he brought something for the Prophet  as a gift, like cottage
cheese or butter. Likewise, the Prophet  would prepare something to give to him whenever he wanted to leave, such as dates
and so on. The Prophet  used to love him and say: “Zahir is
our Bedouin and we are his city-dwellers.” Zahir was not very
good looking. One day, Zahir – may Allah be pleased with him
– left the desert and came to Allah’s Messenger  but did not
ﬁnd him. He had some merchandise to sell so he went on to the
marketplace.
When the Prophet  found out about his arrival, he went to
the marketplace looking for him. When he arrived, he saw him
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With the poor
selling his merchandise with sweat pouring down from his face,
and he wore Bedouin clothes which did not smell good either.
The Prophet  hugged him tightly from behind, while Zahir was
unaware and could not see who it was.
Zahir became scared and said: “Let me go! Who is this?” But
the Prophet  remained silent. Zahir tried to release himself
from his grip and started to look right and left. When he saw
the Prophet  he relaxed and calmed down, placing his back
against the Prophet’s chest. The Prophet  began to joke with
him, saying to the public: “Who will buy this slave?! Who will buy
this slave?!”
Thereupon, Zahir looked at himself and thought of his extreme poverty, for he had neither wealth nor good looks.
He said: “You will ﬁnd me unmarketable, O Messenger of
Allah.”
The Prophet  said: “But you are not unmarketable with Allah.You are very precious to Allah.”
It was no surprise then that the hearts of the poor were attached to the Prophet . He would gain their respect and love
by such an attitude. Many poor people may not accuse the rich
of miserliness in terms of wealth and food, but they can certainly accuse them of miserliness in terms of gracious and kind
treatment. How often do you smile at a poor person and make
him feel he is worthy and respectable, so that perhaps at night
he might supplicate for you and cause Allah’s mercy to descend
upon you from the heavens?
There may be a person with dishevelled hair who is rejected
and not cared for, but if he ever asks Allah for something he
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With the poor
is always responded to. Therefore, always be humane with the
weak.
A hint...
Perhaps just a smile at a poor man would raise you in rank
in the sight of Allah.
54
(10)
With women
My grandfather used to mention an old idiom which says,
“When one neglects his she-goat, she brings home a male-goat,”
which means that when a woman does not get her emotional needs fulﬁlled, she responds willingly to someone else who
charms her.
The point of this idiom is not to liken the man and the woman to a male and female goat – Allah’s refuge is sought! – since a
woman is a man’s companion. If Allah has blessed the man with
a strong body, He has also blessed the woman with strong emotions. How often do we see brave men and even leaders crumble
in front of the emotional prowess of a woman?
To deal skilfully with women one should discover the key to
her emotions.The Prophet  would advise people to treat their
womenfolk with kindness and have regard for their emotions, so
that they may live with them in happiness. He advised fathers to
be kind to their daughters.
“Whoever looks after two girls until they have grown up,
he and I will be on the Day of Resurrection like this”, said the
Prophet  as he joined his ﬁngers together.
He also advised sons to look after their mothers. He was
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asked, “Who should I honour the most?”
The Prophet  replied,“Your mother, then your mother, then
your mother and then your father.” (al-Bukhari and Muslim)
He similarly advised husbands to look after their wives, and
went on to criticise those who anger or hurt their wives. Read
the words the Prophet  said on his last pilgrimage in front of
a hundred thousand pilgrims, amongst them white, black, old,
young, rich and poor. He called out to them all and said, “You
must treat your womenfolk well! You must treat your womenfolk well!” (Muslim and al-Tirmidhi)
One day, a group of women came to the wives of the Prophet  complaining about their husbands. When the Prophet 
heard of this, he stood amongst the people and said, ‘A group of
women have approached the wives of Muhammad complaining
about their husbands. These husbands are not the best of your
people.’ (Abu Dawud, Sahih)
He also said, “The best of you is the one who is best to his
family, and I am the best of you to my family.” (al-Tirmidhi and
Ibn Majah, Sahih)
As a matter of fact, the religion of Islam has given so much
respect to women that wars were initiated, ﬂesh was sliced and
heads struck off over a single one of them:
The Jews used to live side by side with the Muslims in Madinah. They hated the fact that Allah had revealed the order of
hijab and that thereafter the Muslim women were covered. They
tried to plant the seeds of corruption, and attempted to unveil
the Muslim women, but failed.
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With women
One day, a Muslim woman went to a marketplace owned by
the Jews of Banu Qaynuqa’. She was a chaste and modest woman.
She visited a jeweller amongst them. The Jews saw her and disliked the fact that she was chaste and covered. They wanted to
have a glimpse at her, molest her or ﬂirt with her, as they would
do before Islam honoured women. They wanted her to uncover
her face and take off her hijaab, but she refused. The jeweller
therefore took an end of her garment and attached it to the end
of her khimar, while she was unaware. When she stood up, her
garment was raised, revealing her body parts. The Jews began to
laugh. The Muslim woman cried out, wishing they had killed her
rather than uncovering her body.
A Muslim man saw this happen, so he brandished his sword
and attacked the jeweller, killing him. In turn, the Jews attacked
the Muslim and killed him. When the Prophet  came to know
about this, and the fact that the Jews had violated their pledge
with him, and molested a woman, he surrounded the Jews until
they all surrendered and conceded to his judgement.
When the Prophet  decided to punish them in revenge
for the honour of a chaste Muslim woman being violated, one
of the devil’s helpers stood up − those who have no concern
for the honour of Muslim women and only care about satisfying
their stomachs and private parts. This leader of the hypocrites,
‘Abdullah bin Ubay bin Salul, stood up and said, “O Muhammad!
Please, treat my allies with kindness!” He said this because they
had been allied to him during the days of pre-Islamic ignorance.
The Prophet  turned away from him and refused to concede,
for how could he forgive a people who wished to spread corruption amongst the Believers?!
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With women
The hypocrite said again, “O Muhammad, treat them with
kindness!” But the Prophet , turned away from him, again, in
favour of defending the honour of the chaste Muslim woman.
The hypocrite then became angry. He placed his hand in the
pocket of the Prophet’s shirt and pulled him saying, “Be kind to
my allies! Be kind to my allies!” The Prophet  became angry.
He turned around and shouted at him, “Let go of me!” But the
hypocrite refused and began to beg the Prophet  to prevent
their execution.
The Prophet  turned to him and said, “They are yours,
then”, and decided not to execute them. However, he did expel them from their dwellings in Madinah. Yes, a chaste Muslim
woman deserves no less!
Khawlah bint Tha’labah – may Allah be pleased with her – was
from the righteous companions of the Prophet . Her husband,
Aws bin al-Samit, was an old man who would often become angry very quickly. One day he came back from a meeting and
spoke to her regarding an issue. She responded inappropriately
and they quarrelled. The man became angry and said, “You are
like my mother’s back!” and left the house enraged. To utter this
phrase during the pre-Islamic era of ignorance was considered
a divorce. This was not the case in Islam, but Khawlah did not
know the Islamic ruling concerning the issue.
Aws came back to his house to ﬁnd his wife avoiding him
and keeping him at a distance. She said to him, “I swear by the
One who has Khawlah’s life in His Hand, you will never approach
me after having said what you did, until Allah’s Messenger gives
a judgement.”
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With women
Khawlah then left to visit the Messenger of Allah  and told
him what had happened. She also complained to him about how
she was treated by her husband. The Prophet  admonished
her and advised her to remain patient, saying, “O Khawlah! He is
your cousin and an old man, so fear Allah with regards to him.”
She said in response, “O Messenger of Allah! He married me
when I was young, my stomach became ﬂabby due to pregnancy,
and now, when I have become old and unable to have any more
children, he has divorced me! O Allah! I complain to you!”
The Prophet  heard her words and waited for Allah to
reveal a verdict regarding her case, and while Khawlah was with
the Prophet , there came Jibreel  from the heavens and
revealed unto the Prophet  the ruling concerning her and her
husband.
The Prophet  turned to her and said, “O Khawlah! Allah
has revealed a verse concerning you and your husband.”
He then recited: “Allah has heard the saying of she that disputes with you (Muhammad) concerning her husband, and complains unto Allah. And Allah hears your argument. Indeed Allah is
the Hearer, Knower...” until the end of the verses from the early
part of Surah al-Mujadilah.
The Prophet  said to her, “Order him to free a slave.”
She said, “O Messenger of Allah, he doesn’t have a slave to
free.”
He said, “Then tell him to fast two consecutive months.”
She said, “By Allah, he is an old man who doesn’t have the
strength to fast.”
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With women
He said, “Then let him feed sixty poor people a wasq (160
kg) of dates”
She said, “O Messenger of Allah, he doesn’t have that to
give.”
He said, “In that case, we will help him with some dates.”
She said, “O Messenger of Allah, I will help him with some
dates myself.”
The Prophet  said, “This is very good of you. Go and give
charity on his behalf, and look after your cousin.” (Ahmad and
Abu Dawud, Sahih)
Glory be to Allah who granted the Prophet  the quality of
gentleness and leniency, even when dealing with personal problems!
I myself have exercised gentleness and emotional skills with
my daughter and wife, and prior to that with my mother and sister, and I have found it to be very effective indeed. No man honours a woman except an honourable one, and no one demeans
a woman except a mean person.
A point to note...
A woman can be patient with her husband’s poverty, unattractiveness and busy schedule, but she cannot be patient with
his rude behaviour.
60
(11)
With children...
How many incidents that occurred in our childhood days do
we still remember up until today, be they happy or sad memories? Think about your childhood and no doubt you will remember the day you received a certiﬁcate of achievement at school,
or when someone praised you in a public gathering, and so on.
These are the sort of incidents that become imprinted in your
memory such that you can never forget.
We likewise remember the sad memories from our childhood, such as a teacher chastising us, or a ﬁght with a classmate,
or being humiliated by a family member. How often does the
good treatment of children not only affect them but also their
parents and families, and it earns their love and respect? It is
often the case that primary school teachers are contacted by
their pupils’ parents who thank them and express their love and
respect merely for the fact that they love and respect their children. They may express their gratitude sometimes by words and
sometimes as gifts. Therefore, do not belittle smiling at a child,
winning his heart and exercising interpersonal skills with him.
I once delivered a lecture about the importance of prayer
to a group of children in a school. I asked them if anyone knew
of a Hadeeth concerning the importance of prayer. One of the
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With children
children responded saying, “The Prophet  has said: “Between a
man and disbelief and polytheism is to abandon the prayer.’’ I was
so amazed by his response and his zeal that I instantly took off
my watch and gave it to him, although, my watch wasn’t anything
special.This incident encouraged the child to study more eagerly
and memorise the Qur’an, since he had felt self-worth.
Years passed by, I went to a mosque and was astonished to
discover that the Imam of the mosque was that same child. He
had grown to become a ﬁne young man who had graduated from
the Shari’ah College, and was now working in a court. Although,
I did not remember him, he had remembered me. Notice how
love and respect developed in his heart due to a childhood incident.
I recall being invited to a wedding ceremony once where a
bright young man approached me and greeted me very warmly,
and then reminded me of his childhood memories of me when I
came to his school to deliver a lecture. Sometimes we even notice children who have been treated kindly by someone bringing
their parents to him or her and introducing them in the hope
that the parents have the same love and respect for the man or
woman that they do.
I would not hide the fact that I am very kind and welcoming
of children. I make it a point to attentively listen to their sweet
conversations, even though they are usually of no substance. In
fact, sometimes I am extremely welcoming to them simply in
order to win the hearts of their parents.
I used to meet a friend of mine every now and then who
would have his son with him, and I would be extremely kind and
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playful with the son. One day, this friend of mine met me at a
wedding party with this son. He greeted me and said,“What have
you done to my son? His teacher at school asked his pupils what
they would like to be when they grow up. Some said doctors,
others said engineers, but my son said: ‘I want to be Muhammad
al-‘Ariﬁ:
You can sometimes notice the different ways in which people deal with children. When a person enters a public gathering
with his son, he shakes everyone’s hand one by one, while his
son follows suit. Amongst the people are those who would completely ignore the child, others would barely shake his hand, and
others would warmly shake his hand saying, “Welcome, young
man! How are you today?” It is the love of that person that will
be engraved in the heart of the child, as well as in the hearts of
his parents.
The Prophet  would display the best form of treatment
with children. Anas bin Malik – may Allah be pleased with him
– had a younger brother, and the Prophet  would play with him
and nickname him Abu ‘Umayr. The child had a small bird that
he played with. Whenever the Prophet  would meet him, he
would joke with him saying, “O Abu ‘Umayr, what happened to
al-Nughayr?” meaning, the bird.
He would be kind and playful with children. Whenever he
would meet Zaynab bint Umm Salamah, he would playfully say
to her, “O Zuwaynib! O Zuwaynib!” Whenever he passed by
children playing, he would greet them. Whenever he visited the
Ansaar, he would greet their children and place his hand on their
heads out of compassion. Upon the return of the Muslim army
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from Mu’tah, the Prophet  along with the rest of the Muslims and their children met them on their way back to Madinah.
When the Prophet  saw the children he said, “Take the children and carry them, and please pass me Ibn Ja’far.” They passed
‘Abdullah bin Ja’far on to him and he held him in his arms.
One day as the Prophet  was performing ablution, there
came to him Mahmud bin al-Rabi’ who was only ﬁve years old.
The Prophet  took some water in his mouth and jokingly blew
it out in his face. (al-Bukhari)
Generally, the Prophet  was lively and merry with everyone. He would always try to make people happy. He would
always be easygoing with everyone so that people would not
become bored in his company.
A man came to the Prophet  wanting a camel to ride on
for a journey or expedition. The Prophet  said to him jokingly, “I will give you an offspring of a camel.” The man became
surprised and thought of how he could possibly ride a camel’s
offspring that could not carry his weight. He said, “O Messenger
of Allah! What would I do with a camel’s offspring?” The Prophet
 said, ‘Does a camel give birth to anything but an offspring?’
Meaning; I will give you a grown camel, however, no doubt, it is
still another camel’s offspring!
Once, he jokingly said to Anas, “O you, the possessor of two
ears!”
A woman once came to the Prophet  complaining about
her husband, so he said to her, “Is your husband the one whose
eyes are white?” The woman became worried and thought that
her husband had become blind, in light of what Allah said about
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Jacob, “His eyes whitened from grieving so much...” meaning, he
became blind. She went back to her husband terriﬁed and began
to look into his eyes carefully. He asked her what the problem
was. She said, “The Prophet  said that there is whiteness in
your eyes!” The man said, “O woman! Did he not tell you that
the whiteness in my eyes is more than the blackness?” meaning;
everyone has whiteness and blackness in his eyes.
The Prophet  would react positively to whoever joked or
bantered with him and he would smile. Once ‘Umar bin al-Khattab came to the Prophet  who was at that time angry with his
wives, due to their demanding of more allowance. ‘Umar – may
Allah be pleased with him – said, “O Messenger of Allah! If you
recall us when we were men of the Quraysh, we always controlled our women. If any of our women were to ask for more allowance, we would have jumped up and grabbed her neck! But
when we came to Madinah we found the women controlling
their men, so our women began to learn these tricks from their
women!” Thereupon the Prophet  smiled. ‘Umar continued to
speak and the Prophet  continued to smile.
We read in various Ahadith that often the Prophet  would
smile till his molar teeth would show. He was indeed an extremely kind and friendly companion. If we were to train ourselves to
embrace such skills, we would surely taste the sweetness of life.
A thought...
A child is like soft clay that we shape according to our treatment of it.
65
(12)
With slaves and servants
The Prophet  was an expert on how to win hearts using
appropriate techniques.
When the Prophet’s uncle passed away, the Quraysh began
to harm him severely. He  therefore left for Ta’if in order to
seek the support and assistance of the tribe of Thaqif, as well as
to seek their protection against the Quraysh. He was hoping that
they would accept the message that he brought to them from
Allah. He thus went out to them on his own. He entered Ta’if
and proceeded to meet three men who were the leaders and
the noblest men of Thaqif. They were three brothers; ‘Abd Yalayl
bin ‘Amr, and his brothers Mas’ud and Habib, all sons of ‘Amr bin
‘Umayr.
The Prophet  sat with them and called them to Allah. He
asked them to help him and support the cause of Islam, and to
stand by him against those who oppose him from his own people. However, their response was a disgraceful one.
One of them said,“I would tear off the covering of the Ka’bah
if Allah really has sent you!”
Another said, “Did Allah not ﬁnd anyone else to send?”
The third person sardonically responded, “By Allah, I would
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12
never respond to you! If you really are the Messenger of Allah as
you claim, then you are too dangerous to be responded to, and if
you are lying about Allah, then I should never speak to you!”
The Prophet  then stood up to leave after feeling disillusioned by the nobility of Thaqif. He also feared that the Quraysh
would ﬁnd out that Thaqif had rejected him, and subsequently
increase their torture.
Thus he said to them, “Whatever you do, please keep this
meeting a secret.”
But they did not. Instead, they incited the foolish people and
the slaves against him, until they began to follow him to curse and
abuse him. The people chased the Prophet  into the ﬁelds of
‘Utbah bin Rabi’ah and Shaybah bin Rabi’ah whilst the two were
present. The mob then dispersed and the Prophet  sat under
the shade of grape vines. The two sons of Rabi’ah witnessed his
ordeal at the hands of the mob and felt pity for him, so they
called a Christian servant they had by the name of ‘Addas and
said to him, “Take a bunch of these grapes, place it in this plate
and then deliver it to that man and ask him to eat them.” ‘Addas
did as he was told. He came to the Prophet , placed the plate
in front of him and said, “Please eat.” The Messenger of Allah 
stretched his hand forth to eat and said, “In the name of Allah...”
‘Addas said, “By Allah, no one says this phrase in these cities.”
The Prophet  said, “From which city are you, O ‘Addas, and
what is your religion?”
He replied, “I am a Christian. I come from Nineveh.”
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12
The Prophet  said, “You belong to the city of the righteous
Jonah, son of Matta.”
He said, “What do you know about Jonah the son of Matta?”
The Prophet  replied, “He is my brother. He was a Prophet
and so am I.”
Thereupon ‘Addas paid homage to Allah’s Messenger 
by kissing his head, hands and feet, as the two sons of Rabi’a
watched. One of them said to the other, “He has corrupted this
servant of yours.”
When ‘Addas returned to his master, he was noticeably affected by the Prophet  and his words. His master said to him,
“Woe be to you, O ‘Addas! Why did you kiss this man’s head,
hands and feet?!”
He replied, “Dear master! There is none on this earth better than him. He informed me about things that only a Prophet
could know.”
The master replied, “Woe be to you O ‘Addas! Do not let
him change your religion, for your religion is better than his.”
Could we today treat everyone with such excellent manners, irrespective of their social status?
A glimpse...
Treat people humanely, irrespective of their appearance,
wealth and status.
68
(13)
With adversaries
The Prophet  would always be just with the disbelievers
and even be ready to sacriﬁce his life in order to call them to
Islam and rectify their affairs. He would bear their evils with patience and try to overlook their harms.Why would he not do so
when Allah has said: “We have sent you as a mercy...” To whom?
To the believers only? No; rather, “To the world.”
Think about the Jews who would insult him and instigate
trouble, whilst he would continue to be gentle with them.‘A’ishah
– may Allah be pleased with her – said, “The Jews once passed
by the Prophet’s house and said: ‘as-Saam ‘alaykum’ (i.e. death
be upon you), and the Prophet  replied: ‘And upon you, too!’’
‘A’ishah couldn’t bear it, so when she heard it, she responded,
‘And death be upon you, too, and Allah’s curse and anger!”
The Prophet  said, “Take it easy, O ‘A’ishah! You should be
gentle.You shouldn’t curse or be harsh.”
She said, “Didn’t you hear what they said?”
He said, “Didn’t you hear what I said? I prayed against them
and that prayer will be accepted, whereas their prayer against me
will not be accepted.”
Yes, for there is no need to respond to insult with another
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13
insult. Allah has said, “Speak to people with kind words...”
One day the Prophet  went out with his companions on an
expedition. On their way back they stopped over in a valley full
of trees. The companions dispersed under the various trees and
fell asleep. The Prophet  hung his sword on a branch, spread
out his cloak, and went to sleep. Meanwhile, a pagan who was
following the Muslims noticed that Allah’s Messenger didn’t have
his sword, so he approached him stealthily, took the sword off
the branch and then shouted, “O Muhammad! Who is going to
protect you from me now?”
The Messenger of Allah  woke up to ﬁnd the man standing over him with a sword, ready to kill him. The Prophet  was
alone and wearing only a lower garment. His companions had
dispersed and were asleep. The man became conceited with his
power and strength and kept repeating, “Who will save you from
me?! Who will save you from me?!”
The Prophet  replied with full conviction, “Allah.”
The man was struck with terror and the sword fell from his
hand. The Prophet  then got hold of the sword and said, “Who
will save you from me now?”
The man’s complexion changed. He became frightened and
began to beg for mercy. He said, “No one will protect me now!
Please treat me well!”
The Prophet  said, “Do you accept Islam?”
He said, “No, I will not, but I shall not ally with anyone you
are ﬁghting against!”
The Prophet  forgave him and treated him well. The man
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was a leader among his people, so he went back and called them
to Islam, and they all accepted. Yes, be good to others, thereby
capturing their hearts. In fact, even with his sworn enemies, he 
would be of immaculate character, due to which he would win
them over, guide their hearts and cleanse them of disbelief.
When the Prophet  began to call the people to Islam publicly, Quraysh began to resist him even more severely. One of the
things the Quraysh did was to discuss among themselves what to
do about the Prophet’s call and the speed at which people were
accepting his faith. They said, “Look for the most expert among
you in magic, soothsaying and poetry, and let him approach the
man who split our ranks, disunited us and insulted our religion.
Let him converse with him and see what he says.”
They said, “We cannot think of anyone except ‘Utbah bin
Rabi‘ah.”
They said to ‘Utbah, “You are the one, O Abu’l-Walid!” ‘Utbah was a very forbearing person. He said, “O Quraysh, do you
want me to go and speak to him, and perhaps make him some
offers he might accept?”
They said, “Yes, O Abul-Walid.”
‘Utbah got up and went to the Messenger of Allah . He
found him sitting tranquilly. ‘Utbah came up to him and said, “O
Muhammad! Who is better, you or ‘Abdullah?”
The Prophet  remained silent in honour of his father.
He said, “Who is better, you or ‘Abd al-Muttalib?”
He  remained silent in respect for his grandfather.
‘Utbah said, “If you think that they were better than you,
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13
then how did they worship the gods you have insulted? And if
you think that you are better than them, then speak so we may
hear you say it.”
Before the Prophet  could respond, ‘Utbah lashed out in
rage, “By Allah, we have seen no other man who has brought
such great a calamity to a nation as you have done. You have
disunited us, split our ranks, insulted our religion, and brought
disgrace to us as everyone is now saying that Quraysh have a
magician! There is nothing left to wait for except the moment
when we brandish our swords and begin to kill each other.”
‘Utbah was displaying his anger as the Prophet  listened silently, sitting well composed. ‘Utbah then decided to bargain with
the Prophet , so he said, “If you are doing all this with a view
to gaining wealth, then we will join together to give you greater
riches than any person from Quraysh has possessed. If ambition
moves you, we will make you our chief. If you desire kingship
we will readily offer you that. If you are under the power of an
evil spirit which seems to haunt and dominate you so that you
cannot shake off its yoke, then we shall call in skilful physicians
to cure you.”
‘Utbah continued to speak in this unworthy manner with
the Prophet , trying to bargain with him, whilst the Prophet
 remained silent and calm. After ‘Utbah had made the offer of
leadership, wealth, women and even treatment for insanity, he fell
silent, waiting for a response.
The Prophet  raised his gaze to him and said, “Have you
ﬁnished, O Abu al-Walid?”
‘Utbah was not surprised at the manners of the Prophet ,
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and simply replied, “Yes.”
The Prophet  said, “Now listen to me.”
“Alright”, said ‘Utbah.
The Prophet  then recited the verses, “In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneﬁcent, the Most Merciful. Ha-Meem.A revelation from Allah, the Most Beneﬁcent, the Most Merciful.A Book
whereof the verses are explained in detail; — a Qur’an in Arabic
for people who know. Giving glad tidings and warning, but most
of them turn away, so they listen not.”
The Prophet  continued to recite the verse as ‘Utbah listened. Suddenly, ‘Utbah sat on the ground and his body shook.
He placed his hands behind him and rested on them as he listened to the verses. The Prophet  continued to recite until
he approached the verse, “If they turn away, then say to them: I
warn you of a thunderbolt similar to that which struck ‘Aad and
Thamud.”
‘Utbah was utterly terriﬁed when he heard this warning and
threat of punishment. He jumped up and placed his hand on the
mouth of the Prophet  to prevent him from reciting further.
But the Prophet  continued to recite until the verse of prostration, after which he prostrated. When he raised his head up
from prostration, he gazed at ‘Utbah and said, “Did you hear that,
O ‘Utbah?”
“Yes”, replied ‘Utbah.
The Prophet  said, “Now, it is up to you.”
‘Utbah left to go back to his companions as they impatiently
waited for him. When he approached them they said to each
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other, “I swear by Allah, he has returned with a different complexion!”
When he sat with them they asked, “What happened, O Abu
al-Walid?”
He said, “What happened is that I heard words the like of
which I have never heard before. By Allah, they weren’t the words
of poetry, magic or soothsaying. O people of Quraysh! I request
you to heed my advice and grant the man full freedom to pursue his goals, in which case you could safely detach yourselves
from him. I swear that his words will one day triumph. O people! I heard him say: ‘In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneﬁcent,
the Most Merciful. Ha-Meem. A revelation from Allah, the Most
Beneﬁcent, the Most Merciful – to his words – I warn you of a
thunderbolt similar to that which struck ‘Aad and Thamud.’
As he said that, I placed my hand on his mouth, and begged
him, in the name of our ties of kinship, to stop! You know very
well that when Muhammad says something he doesn’t lie. I feared
that punishment may descend upon you.”
Abu al-Walid then remained silent as he reﬂected, while his
companions stared at him.
He then said, “By Allah, there is sweetness in what he says.
There is beauty in what he says, as if its top is fruit and its bottom
is water. It is overwhelming and cannot be subdued. It obliterates everything beneath it. No man can say this. No man can say
this.”
They said, “This is just poetry, O Abu al-Walid! Just poetry!”
He said, “By Allah, no one is more knowledgeable than me
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concerning poetry! There is no one more knowledgeable about
Rajaz (poetical rhyme) and poems than me! Or even the poetry
of the Jinn! By Allah, what he says is not similar to any poetry!”
‘Utbah continued to discuss the Prophet  with them. Although, ‘Utbah did not accept Islam, there is no doubt that his
soul did incline towards it. Contemplate how the Prophet’s noble manners and his technique of listening to ‘Utbah attentively
affected him, even though he was a sworn enemy of Islam.
On another occasion, the Quraysh decided to send Husayn
bin al-Mundhir al-Khuza’i – the father of the Prophet’s companion, ‘Imran bin Husayn – to discuss with the Prophet  and to
persuade him to stop his mission.
‘Imran’s father visited the Prophet  as he was sitting with
his companions and said the usual words of complaint which
the Quraysh would say to him, “You have disunited us, split our
ranks...”, as the Prophet  calmly listened until he ﬁnished.
The Prophet  then said to him politely, “Have you ﬁnished,
O Abu ‘Imran?”
“Yes”, he replied.
The Prophet  said, “Then answer my questions.”
“Ok, I am listening”, he said.
The Prophet  said, “O Abu ‘Imran, how many gods do you
worship?”
He replied, “Seven. Six on the earth and one in the heavens!”
The Prophet  said, ‘Which of them do you love and fear?’
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He said, “The one in the heavens.”
The Prophet  said in all politeness, “O Husayn, if you were
to accept Islam, I would teach you two words you could greatly
beneﬁt from.”
Husayn accepted Islam on the spot and said, “O Messenger
of Allah, teach me the two words you promised you would teach
me.”
The Prophet  said, “O Allah, inspire me with guidance and
protect me from my own evil.”
How wonderful was the way in which the Prophet  dealt
with people! And how beautifully his character had a positive
impact on them! This kind of attitude goes a long way in bringing
non-Muslims closer to Islam.
A young man once travelled to Germany for studies and
took up residence in a ﬂat. There was a young German man
living in the ﬂat opposite him. They didn’t have any connection
with each other except that they were neighbours. Once, the
German neighbour travelled unexpectedly. A paperboy would
deliver a newspaper everyday and leave it at his doorstep. The
young man noticed the newspapers piling up and asked one of
the other neighbours to ﬁnd out if the neighbour had travelled.
He picked all the newspapers up and placed them in a secure
place. He would collect a new newspaper everyday and add it to
the collection.
When his neighbour returned after a couple of months, he
greeted him and gave him all the newspapers. He said, “I thought
that perhaps you were following a news story or participating in
a competition and I didn’t want you to miss out on it.”
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The neighbour was surprised at this and said, “Would you
like to be paid for your services?”
He said,“No. Our religion orders us to be good to our neighbours and since you are my neighbour, I must benevolent you.”
The person continued to be gracious to his neighbour until he
ﬁnally embraced Islam.
This, by Allah, is the real joy of life, to feel that you worship
Allah by every little thing you do, even the manners with which
you deal with others. How often is it that people are turned
away from Islam due to the bad treatment they receive at the
hand of some Muslims; one oppresses his employee, another deceives his customer and another annoys his neighbour? Let us
make a fresh start with them.
Enlightenment...
The best preacher is the one who preaches with his actions
before his words.
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With animals
When good interpersonal skills become one’s habit, they become his second nature and an integral part of his personality.
Such a person is always found to be easygoing, light-hearted,
gentle, forbearing and sensitive with all, including animals and
non-living things.
Once, when the Prophet  was on a journey with his companions, he stopped over to answer the call of nature. Meanwhile, some of his companions noticed a redstart bird with two
chicks. He took the chicks away. The bird came and began to
circle around them ﬂapping its wings.When the Prophet  came
and saw the scene, he turned to his companions and said, “Who
distressed the bird by taking its chicks from it? Return the chicks
to the bird!”
On a different occasion, the Prophet  noticed a burnt ants’
nest. “Who burnt the nest?” he demanded.
One of his companions replied, “I did.”
The Prophet  became angry and said, “No one but Allah
punishes with ﬁre!”
The Prophet  was so merciful that if he saw a cat whilst
he was performing ablution, he would lower the utensil down
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for the cat to drink from and then perform ablution from the
leftover water.
Once he passed by a man who had laid a sheep on the ground
and placed his foot on its neck to slaughter it while sharpening
the knife as the sheep looked on. The Prophet  became angry
upon seeing this and said, “Do you want it to die twice? Why
didn’t you sharpen your knife before you laid it on the ground?”
On another occasion, he  passed by two men in the middle of a conversation and each of them was sitting on his camel.
When he saw this, he felt pity for the camels and therefore forbade people from using animals as chairs, meaning that one is
not to mount it except when required and that when the need
is fulﬁlled, one should dismount and allow it to rest.The Prophet
 also forbade branding an animal on its face.
A story is related of the Prophet  and his camel called al‘Adhba: Once a group of pagans attacked some camels belonging
to the Muslims on the outskirts of Madinah. They took away
all the camels including al-‘Adhba, as well as a Muslim woman.
Whenever they stopped over on their way, they let the camels
loose so they could pasture. When they stopped over at a certain place and fell asleep, the woman got up in order to escape.
She went to the camels so as to mount one of them. Each time
she went near a camel, it made a noise, causing her to avoid approaching it lest the pagans woke up. She kept approaching the
camels one by one until she came to al-‘Adhba and moved it to
discover that it was docile and well-trained. She then mounted
the camel and made her way back to Madinah.
When she felt safe, she was overcome with joy and said, “O
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Allah, I vow to you that if you save me by means of this camel, I
would sacriﬁce it for you!”
When the woman reached Madinah, the people recognised
the Prophet’s camel.The woman then went home and the people
brought the camel to the Prophet . Later, the woman came and
asked for the camel so that she could slaughter it. The Prophet
 said, “How evil is the reward you give it! Allah saved you on it
and now you want to slaughter it!”
The Prophet  then said, “A vow is not valid if it is in disobedience to Allah, or with that which one does not own.”
Why not turn your interpersonal skills, such as gentleness
and generosity, into your natural disposition that would constantly remain with you and in everything you do, even when you
deal with animals, trees and non-living things?
The Prophet  would give Friday sermons resting his back
on an erect trunk of a date-palm tree in his mosque. A woman
from the Ansaar said, “O Messenger of Allah, shall I not make
something for you to sit on? I have a servant who is a carpenter.”
The Prophet  said, “If you wish.”
The woman made a pulpit for him. The next Friday, the
Prophet  climbed the pulpit she had made, and as he sat on
it, the tree-trunk behind him mooed like a bull screamed as if
it was about to split in half. The mosque shook. The Prophet 
descended from the pulpit and embraced the trunk and it wailed
like a child.
Thereupon the Prophet  said, “I swear by the One who has
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Muhammad’s soul in His Hand, were it not that I embraced it, it
would have continued crying until the Day of Resurrection.”
A hint...
Allah has honoured man, but this does not give him an excuse to oppress the rest of His creatures.
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A hundred ways
to win people’s hearts
Anyone involved in a particular activity wishes to excel in
order to achieve his objectives. The one who loves wealth specialises in accumulating it and further aspires to learn the tricks
of his trade. Satellite television channels specialise in attracting
viewers by airing a variety of shows using the latest technology.
They also train their presenters in attracting viewers for current as well as forthcoming programs. The same can be said of
newspapers, radio and television. The same applies to those who
market various products, whether halaal or haraam. All these
people endeavour to specialise in techniques that are needed in
order for them to excel in their respective ﬁelds.
Winning hearts is also an art with its own ways and means.
Suppose you enter a gathering of forty men, and as you pass
by each of them, shaking everyone’s hand, the ﬁrst shakes your
hand indifferently and says very coldly, “Welcome”; the second is
busy speaking to the next person, and as you greet him by surprise, he responds to you very impersonally and without even
looking at you, then continues with his conversation with the
next person; the third person is speaking on the phone, so he
simply stretches out his hand without saying a word or showing
any respect. However, when you get to the fourth person, he
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sees you and immediately stands up to greet you. When your
eyes meet his, he smiles and demonstrates that he is glad to
meet you. He shakes your hand warmly and welcomes you, even
though you don’t know each other at all! You then greet the rest
of the people and take a seat. Do you doubt that your heart will
have the most respect for the fourth person? No doubt it will,
even though you do not know his name, nor his status or profession. Despite that, he successfully captures your heart, not with
wealth, status, or lineage, but merely by his interpersonal skills.
Hence, hearts are not won by force, wealth, beauty or status.
They are won by much less of a sacriﬁce, yet few are able to win
them.
I recall one of my students at university who had become
physiologically ill due to severe depression. His father held a high
position in the police force and had come to visit me at the
university quite a few times, asking me for my help with his son.
I would visit his house every now and then, which was a towering mansion. I would notice that his house would always be full
of guests. I was amazed at how much this family was loved and
respected.
Years went by and the man retired. I went to his house for
a visit. I entered his mansion and went into the guest room to
notice more than ﬁfty chairs, but only one person watching television and a servant offering him coffee or tea. I sat with him
for a while. When I left, I began to compare his situation while
the man was working with now that he had retired. What was
it about him that had attracted the people then? I realised that
the man did not win people over by his manners, kindness and
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good treatment of others. Rather, he had only attracted them by
means of his status, position and the fact that he was well-connected. When he lost his position, he also lost the love people
had for him.
Therefore, learn a lesson from this man. Deal with the people so skilfully that they love you for who you are and what you
say, and for your smile, gentleness and generosity. They will love
the fact that you overlook their faults and stand by them at times
of hardship. Do not allow their hearts to be attached merely to
your status and your purse!
The one who provides his children and wife with wealth,
food and drink only does not win their hearts by doing so,
but only their stomachs! The one who showers his family with
wealth while he mistreats them does not win their hearts; rather,
he only wins their pockets.
For this reason, do not be surprised if you see a young man
who faces a problem and therefore complains to his friend,
teacher, or the Imam of a mosque, but not to his own father.This
would be because the father has failed to win over his heart and
break down barriers. On the other hand, it is the teacher or the
friend, who has managed to win his heart.
Another important point: Have you ever noticed that when
certain people visit a gathering packed with people and look left
and right for somewhere to sit, there always seems to be no
shortage of people calling them over