Parody #9

Unknown to Nintendo, I snuck in a Japanese translator into the interview room. Now we will hear what Miyamoto is REALLY saying. Quiet reader! The ‘game journalist’ has entered the room. The interview is about to begin. Stop making noises, reader, or you will spoil my plan! Shhh…..

Neck Beard Game Journalist: Tell me how you felt about Donkey Kong doing so well when it came out?

ShigeruMiyamoto: “You infectious flea ridden clack-dish, you paunchy beef-witted barnacle! How many times must I get asked that stupid question about Donkey Kong? Do you read? Apparently you do not you loggerheaded elf-skinned pignut! You could read my answer to all the questions about Donkey Kong in the past from all the other little journalists. But no, you must waste valuable time of myself asking me to repeat the same exact answers to questions already asked you bootless onion-eyed joithead!”

Bill Trinen: (translating for Miyamoto) Oh, I was very happy! I remember when it was being made when I showed it to Mr. Yamauchi. With Donkey Kong, I demonstrated how the game would basically work and he liked it, and he immediately demanded that I should stop any other work right now, and concentrate upon finishing this particular project. And when I first showed him the demo of Super Mario Bros, he really, really liked it. I still recall him saying: “This is great – you can travel on land and in the sky and even in the water. This is going to be amazing.”

This might surprise you, but I have never provided Mr Yamauchi with any presentation sheets at all. Often, at the first stage I simply provided him with some short memos, or a picture showing how the game idea would be constructed, or with a presentation. And then, once Mr Yamauchi understands that main image, I’d try to expand and explain the idea with him in more detail. And that was the point at which he could use his own instincts to tell if it was going to be great.

Game Journalist: Do you fear Microsoft Natal or Sony Move will harm the Wii?

Shigeru Miyamoto: Would you eat your dead vomit up and howl once you found it? Why must I answer these stupid questions? Have you read the Blue Ocean Strategy or not? Have you read me answering this question in 436,454 other interviews? Why do you keep wasting my time? Good heavens, you are fat as butter.

Bill Trinen:(translating for Miyamoto) Nintendo has been in the videogame business for more than 30 years. And, for that matter, when it comes to the entertainment business, ever since the company was founded more than 100 years ago, entertainment has been Nintendo’s commodity – always – and in that we have a particularly strong pride. Nintendo always tries to make something that other people have never made before. So, because of that, other people might want to copy us in the end. Whenever something we have created and presented is followed by copies, we always feel it is threatening. More than that, we’re concerned that others are trying to do something similar for the sake of it. It’s not encouraging to Nintendo. But there is one more important thing: we try to make something unprecedented every time. And we try to make it so that it can become the standard in our entertainment business one day.

Game Journalist: Looking back over your career, what is your greatest achievement? What is your greatest regret?

Shigeru Miyamoto: Not another one of these open ended questions. Do you churlish hedge-born skainsmate not ask any interesting questions? You western journalists are just so freaking dumb. In Japan, they would actually be asking me REAL questions, not this noodle-craft type questions you spew.

My biggest regret is not being able to get 3d Mario to sell like 2d Mario. I HATE making 2d Mario. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! Luckily, I got away from making it for over 18 years. As for my biggest achievement? It is hiring Bill Trinen because he knows how to say the right things, and I can say what I really feel in Japanese so no one really knows. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Bill Trinen: Well, I honestly don’t know! [Laughs] Probably Mario is something very important, because that character gave me a very unusual experience – of how the world is influenced when suddenly a great number of one piece of software sells around the world. And where we have been able to expand the gaming population, I see a great number of people who used to not play with videogames suddenly start playing with videogames. That was a very unusual and exciting experience, and that is still ongoing.

I’ve tried to forget whatever regrets I might have had. For example, as soon as we’ve finished a project, I always have some regrets about what we could’ve done or should’ve done. I think about this or that – other ways of doing things. But then these are great ideas that we can utilise with future projects, one way or another. Some people might say that Wii Music is a good example. It’s been said that it could have sold much more than it actually has to date, but it simply means that I have some assets right now that, by tweaking something, we might be able to have great success with something similar in the future.
.
.
.
What can we conclude from this? It is time Bill Trinen got a raise…