Do try weird bits of pig: when I was young, you bought pork scratchings in the pub, and you bought pig's ears in a pet shop, and this was a good clue about who was supposed to eat which. Now there is a tendency to sell the ears (and also the tails) in fancy pubs (cf The Empress, which is quite handy for the Olympic stadium). It turns out they are just like the scratchings, only meatier and more satisfying. The dogs were having the last laugh, people. Until now.

But don't try the cheap sausage, wherein is housed totally unknowable elements of pig; all you can tell about it is that, statutorily, some given percentage over 85 comes from an animal. This really doesn't help. Stay away from the street sausage; you're not in Bavaria now.

Do trysliders: they're like mini-burgers, except they come in threes often, so by my reckoning, you get more than with a normal-sized burger, and you also get to feel dainty. There is a lot of burger innovation, so that it is not unusual to find foie gras or haggis in a slider, whereas these things rarely appear in burger form.

But don't try the Trendy Burger: It is a lot like a regular burger you might get in a pub, only £1.50 cheaper. You'll queue for an hour and a half outside a place with a name such as Meat Rack or Meat & Drink or Honest Meat. You won't be able to hear once you get inside because of the deafening buzz. This is 90 minutes of your life. Have some self-respect! Or failing that, go to McDonald's (the one in the Olympic Park is the largest one ever, you know).

Do try winkles: these can be a little off putting, partly because of the eerie detachable carapace by which you wrench the flesh from the shell, and partly (of more urgent concern) because they look like a hobbit's genitals. Actually, once you try them, you will come to see both these attributes as quite endearing. They taste like fish-flavoured chewing gum. I mean that in a nice way.

But don't try eels and liquor: "liquor" is a quaint English word for a grey gravy that tastes of salt, and "eel" is an English word for a long, slippery marine creature that a normal person would only eat if all the other fish in the sea had run out. While there are other fish in the sea, common sense would direct you towards those.

Do try a pasty: this was the cause of febrile controversy earlier in the year, when the closure of an abstruse tax loophole would have increased the price of this salt-of-the-earth snack. The resentment intensified as politicians vied with one another to prove who ate the most pasties, and succeeded only in demonstrating that they couldn't distinguish between a bakery and a WH Smiths. Peas, potatoes, politics, pastry … what's not to like?

But don't try Tottenham cake; this is also available from Greggs. But I tried one the other day and, no offence, it is disgusting.