And I want to be a good wife. So when I read in Scripture “Let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Eph.5:33), I’m determined to do that very thing.

Except that it seems rather vague to me. Undefined. I mean, how can you “see to” something you’re unsure of?

What does respect look like anyway?

I know what it looks like to love. But respect? That one is less clear, as it’s not something I particularly long for. It’s just not at the top of my list, if you know what I mean?

Apparently it’s at the top of his though. I’ve even heard it said that men would rather be unloved than disrespected—is that wild, or what?

Really? Respect? That’s the key?

So maybe I don’t exactly “get it”, but I’ll take his word for it. Yet that still leaves me with wondering how to let him know that he’s respected. By me.

Does this mean that he makes all the decisions for our lives and I’m simply along for the ride?

Does it mean he leads in the Big Stuff – like finances, the children’s education, and where we spend Christmas? And I’m pretty much on my own after that?

Or is it something totally different than any of these?

A few years ago, after reading a book on the subject, I tried yet another of my experiments (do you ever feel a wee bit sorry for my husband?). I decided to become Super Wife and not question anything he ever said or did. This noble trial went on for several weeks and yet, in spite of my great effort, he didn’t seem to notice or care.

Nor did it appear to be all that effective—and it definitely wasn’t working for me. I finally broke down, confessed my game, and told him I was sorry, but that I didn’t think I could keep silent for the rest of our married lives.

And do you know how he responded?

He laughed! Yeah, laughed right at me.

Then informed me that he didn’t marry me so that I would only nod my head and say, “Yes, Honey” every time he opened his mouth. He actually highly valued my opinions and input. These were things he loved about me! This was NOT his definition of respect. (Whew!)

Yet the question still remained…

So I wrestled hard with this one. First, I had to look into my own heart. Did I truly respect him? Or, deep down, did I consider myself somewhat superior to him? An ugly thought, but it had to be faced. Did I trust my wisdom over his? Was I more “spiritually sensitive” than him? Was I more “in touch” with the children? More responsible? More practical? No, I definitely had some soul-searching to do.

Then what about when he’s not “respect-able”? That had to be considered—except Scripture doesn’t offer allowances for this. (Besides, I wouldn’t want him to love me only when I am “love-able”.)

My next step was to go to him and ask him outright how I could show more respect. His answer wasn’t as ready as I would have guessed. It was more of an ongoing conversation. While he could come up with a few examples, the others I had to figure out myself by careful study.

I’ll share a few of my conclusions—hoping you’ll keep in mind, just as my list of “what love looks like to me” is going to vary a bit from yours, so is your husband’s list going to vary from mine.

Trust him. Somehow a man instinctively knows if you believe in him–or not. For instance, how you respond to his decision-making speaks powerfully to him. Is your first response to question him? Or do you save that “coupon” carefully? He needs you to trust him and his final decisions.

Admire him. He needs to know that you are his biggest fan – hands down! No one should admire him more than you do. My personal goal? I never want anyone who works with my man to think more highly of him than I do. I want him both to see it in my eyes and to hear it from my mouth.

Serve him. Now maybe this is my own man’s thing, but he feels like a king when I offer to serve him. When I poke my head in his office and ask if I can bring up some lunch, or if I offer him a cup of coffee when he’s sitting around with the other men after the church meeting? This is big with him.

Be loyal to him. Fiercely loyal. You’ve got his back and he knows it. Your children should know it too. In fact, there should be no doubt in anyone’s mind where your loyalty lies. No one would dare say anything disparaging about your man in front of you because that is simply not done.

Today’s Challenge: Make a list of some ways in which you can show respect to your husband. Consider asking him what kinds of things make him feel respected?

Let the wife see that she respects her husband. Believe me, I’m wanting very much to “see to it” – how about you?

In fact, if you have some of your own special ways of showing respect, would you be willing to share them? I’m guessing we’d all love to hear it!

Will you seek the Lord in how you can show loving respect for your husband? In His grace,

Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.

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Comments

Soemtimes i am amazed at you women who tell wives to do a list of things to exalt the husbands. Wow, how far will you all go to tell women to worship their husbands? It’s sad because you never see a bunch of men on the internet ,teling other men to honor love and serve the wife as servant leaders
11-26-13.

Hi Beryl. I didn’t hear them saying ‘worship’ their husbands…but in fact worship our great Savior Lord by loving and respecting one’s husband well…even when he doesn’t deserve it. THAT is when they need the respect the most by the way.
I so appreciated portions of this article too. Thanks be to our gracious G-d for His Word and Spirit. We must not lose heart at doing good, especially when it is hard or seems to go unnoticed or unappreciated. Poppa is always watching, helping and others are depending on our faith, even if they say different. Peace. Glory to our Lamb!

Thank you. I am newly remarried and DETERMINED to do it right. I tend to be a “take-charge” kind of person and I so desperately want to be a Godly wife. Anyway, I have struggled also with how to show respect. What does that mean. This helps tremendously.

I truly enjoyed your article. It reminded me of the book “The Surrendered Wife” by Laura Doyle. I have been reading it and found so many wonderful tips to show my husband how much I respect and love him. Another great book is “The 5 Love Languages”. I highly recommend them both!

Lisa, I want to thank you and Matthew for the wonderful perspectives you offer on relationships. My husband and I are just starting to come out of a terrible time in our marriage, and the more I read, the more I realize that for all the talking I do about loving and respecting my husband, my actions are almost always in service of my own needs. Not the hubster’s and definitely not our Lord’s. Perhaps to offer some clarity to Beryl’s comment above, I have only in the last year been able to embrace Christ as saviour in my life, so I understand greatly why so many people discard Christian values as antiquated and mysogynistic. Part of the emancipation process from my ego was to learn to quiet the stomping feet of my inner feminist espousing ideals about “fair” in a marriage. Most of what attracts me to my husband are his strong leadership qualities, and yet for so long I spent so much energy on being right instead of doing right. I was, in effect, completely undermining his every decision!! For me, a compulsive “fixer” I’ve learned that actions speak louder than words and in my relationship where I have no shortage of commentary, holding my tongue and showing my husband I care enough to listen is perhaps the most meaningful way I can show my respect. Frankly, if he were to succumb to all of my previous nagging, he wouldn’t be the man I am so deeply attracted to in the first place! I thank you both again for your wisdom.

I RESPECT MY HUSBAND AND ADMIRE HIM TREMENDOUSLY HE IS IN A WELL KNOWN ONCOLOGIST IN OUR COMMUNITY AND HE BATTLES WITH HIS PATIENTS AGAINST THEIR CANCER AND IT IS SO STRESSFUL FOR HIM TO SEE THEM LOSE THEIR BATTLE I AM SO PROUD OF HIM.