I don’t know if you guys know this, but I’m 1/8th squirrel. In fact, with just a little makeup, I can pass for squirrel. This has granted me unprecedented access to the secret inner workings of squirrel society. And here’s the thing: We should be worried about the squirrels.

We thought that the squirrels were content to frolic and engage in cute shenanigans for our amusement. How wrong we were. While we were pointing and giggling at their cute, fluffy tails, a terrifying, seething anger was growing in the heart of every squirrel. Squirrels are a proud people and being made the butt of a joke is an affront to their stringent system of honour. All actions in squirrel society are conducted under a certain etiquette and with respect to all parties involved.

You may be saying to yourself, “Meh. Squirrels are so tiny, what can they possibly do about their stupid squirrel grievances?” You’re about to eat those words my friend. During my undercover work, I discovered that the squirrel have a very advanced nuclear weapon program and they’re beginning their first bomb tests in the coming weeks.

And there’s nothing we can do to stop the coming nuclear squirrel apocalypse. They’re dead-set on their vengeance and will be laughing at our burning bones from their lead-lined knotholes.

Our only choice is to steal the space ark technology from our nearest galactic neighbours, the Cromulentians. It will make void the Stellar Compassion Treat of 1847, but it’s the only way to ensure the continued survival of our species.

Are you out purchasing Christmas gifts yet? Well, you should be! The survival of our entire economy and, thus, very society relies on malls having a profitable Christmas season.

And aren’t material goods just the best? You can make a person think that you care for them without showing any true affection to them with material goods. Did we mention our blowout sale on diamonds? Diamonds are always a safe bet, because you don’t have to know anything about a person’s favourite colour or personal style, if you get them a giant diamond. Sparkly sparkly. Expensive expensive.

Tired of your annoying wiener kids? Get them a tablet or a game console, so that they can self-medicate their ADHD with constant stimulation. Later, get them a Fitbit for when they start embarrassing you with their unsightly fat asses from sitting around all day.

And don’t forget to keep stuffing your faces with meat and candy. As long as you’re chewing, you don’t have to talk to your relatives. This helps preventing slip-ups where you tell people what you really think and your great aunt gets all offended and junk and then your mother bitches at you about it for the rest of eternity.

Always stop of at the dollar store for stocking stuffer doohickeys. I guarantee you that they won’t end up in the junk drawer by February.

Anyway, buy me a widescreen TV. I, actually, need one. Because I have to watch things for research and stuff. Yeah, that’s it.