Tuesday, April 13, 2010

All Things Diarrhea

When you're goin' up to bat
and your pants are gettin' fat
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're slidin' into first
and you feel somethin' burst
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're slidin' into two
And your pants are filled with goo
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're slidin' into third
And you feel a juicy turd
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're slidin' into home
And your pants are filled with foam
Diarrhea, Diarrhea

Alternative lyrics
When you're headin' into first
And your pants about to burst
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're slidin' into second
And you need some disinfectant
Diarrhea, Diarrhea

A similar song
When you're sittin' on the jon
And the toilet paper's gone
Be a man
Use your hand
Diarrhea, Diarrhea

Non-baseball related verses
When you're putting on your belt,
And you feel something melt.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're shitting on the bowl,
And use up half the goddamned roll.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When it's dripping down your leg,
Like a warm raw runny egg.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When it's squirting out your hole &,
Your sore rectum's' kinda swollen.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
If you have to take a crap,
Then it'll be a thunderclap.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When it's like Niagara Falls,
Brown & sticky on your balls.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
Some people think it's funny,
But it's really hot and runny.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
Hey, there, Mister; whatcha doing?
Hi, I'm really going pooin'!
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you running cross country,
And it comes out crunchy.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
You think it's really gross,
But it's better on toast.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're walkin' down the road,
And your drawers overflowed.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
To you, it might not seem so funny,
But it's very, very runny.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
You can tell, by the smell,
That you're not FEELING WELL.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
It looks like chocolate soup
But its really runny poop
Diarrhea, diarrhea
When you do a little dance
And there's something in your pants
Diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're sitting on the john
And your whole GI is gone
Diarrhea, diarrhea
If your driving in a Beetle
And your poopin' out a needle
Diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're going down the hall
and you feel something fall
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When there's wetness in your balls,
Then, no, it's not Cthulhu's call, it's
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're climbing up a ladder
and you hear something splatter
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're lying in the grass
and it's pouring out your ass
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're driving in your Chevy
and you're feeling something heavy
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're driving your Corvette
and you feel something wet
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you hide behind a bush
and you feel a big squoosh
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're leaning 'gainst a wall
and you feel something fall
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're cleaning with a mop
and you hear a loud plop
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're swimming in a pool
and you feel something cool
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
It might look like a Baby Ruth
But, man, you really know the truth
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're with someone's daughter
and you feel that warm poo water
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When your butt starts to fart
and then it 'splodes apart
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're swimming in the ocean
and you hear a big explosion
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're going down the hall
And you squirt it on the wall
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're having a laugh
And your butt bursts in half
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
It always breaks your heart
When it sneaks out with a fart
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're sittin' by your honey
And you feel something funny
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're standing in the shower
And you smell something sour
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're walking down the street
And feel a dribble between your feet
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
It isn't very funny
If you don't rinse the dunny
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When you're sitting on the loo
And there's nothing left to do
Diarrhea, Diarrhea

Australian lyrics
When you're going to the dunny,
and you're feeling kinda funny,
Diarrhoea Diarrhoea,

British lyrics
Variants of the verse structure, traditionally popular amongst British school children.

When it comes out your bum
Like a bullet from a gun
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
When you're sitting in the loft
And you feel something soft
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
When it trickles down your leg
Like a Cadbury's Creme Egg
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
I was walking through the jungle
And my Stomach started rumbling
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
I went behind the bushes
And it all came out in skooshes
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
It was coming out my bum
like Pedigree Chum
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
It stuck to me chair
Like toffees in me hair
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
When you're sitting on a bench
And you smell an awful stench
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
I was sitting in the attic,
When it came automatic,
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea,
I was climbing up a tree,
When it dribbled down my knee(!),
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
I was wearing flip flops,
When it came plop plop,
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea!,''

Singapore
Heard on a Singapore Sitcom, Under One Roof.

When you need to go the loo
And you know it's not the flu
Diarrhea, Diarrhea

Optional Bridge
No pain, no strain,
Just sit and let it drain
Diarrhea, Diarrhea

References
Josepha Sherman and T.K.F. Weisskopf, Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts: The Subversive Folklore of Childhood (August House, 1995).
The song is mentioned in an episode of Beavis and Butthead, where the main characters sing it in front of a character named Daria.
Common childhood knowledge from oral tradition.

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The picture above is a screen shot of my lower east side map from my google map "collection." It can be made fully functional but it overwhelms the column. I learned about mapchannels from digital urban. The free site also gives you the option to create a link to a full size version of a google map.