It’s a strange inexplicable fear that has come over me because my little cell phone has become non functional and it seems that whatever I or verizon does has no power to fix it so that the checking calling checking answering looking clicking touching caressing the thing is not a part of my day minute every second all the time thing.

I went to a verizon store in Santa Fe and had the entire thing under control. Really I did. After trying every trick in the book to make the phone work, it was decided to ship me a new phone. Although, with all good intentions, I tried and I think he tried to have the phone shipped overnight to Taos and NOT New Jersey… But there was this friend of his, and this cool dog, and we all were petting the huge mastiff head of this dog, and the verizon salesman’s friend kinda reminded me of a Mexican Sarge Russell, so I kind felt a little softened to him and pet his dog.. Although his friend would not stop talking to him so I’m sure that he fucked something up in the filling out the shipping part of the transaction. All my good intentions totally thrown to the wind because all he really wanted to do was hang out with his friends dog in the parking lot instead of double checking that the mailing address was Taos and not New Jersey.

Verizon seemed to think my replacement phone should be sent to New Jersey even after all that fucking micro managing.

This is probably a good thing. That man with the Italian Mastiff was a Shaman. What else could possibly be the explanation. Fucking with my micro managing, Right there In the verizon store. Distracting the salesman just enough to fuck up my phone shipment.

Well, I guess I’m in New Mexico. There’s a little bit of magic here.

If I still smoked, I would retain the illusion of having diffused the stress. A little friend.

Those moments these pondering of wishing
Of wishing that it were different
Be damned
Those mind games of peeling apart the words that come out of my mouth
Be damned
Those self flaggelative mind fucks that feed the beast
Be damned, be gone.
Walk
Walk

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In 3 days, I will be in the road, in my car and heading for New Mexico for my very first artist residency. I’m not sure why I haven’t ever gone to an artist residency before. It seems kind of silly, really, that I haven’t. There are various reasons that I could manage to muster … excuses probably more like it … but if I look back, I think that I thought I wouldn’t get into one. I didn’t want to face the possibility of rejection.

Ok, so THAT is the first thing that is going to change in my quest for transformation.

Embracing rejection. It is what is going to happen as I forge ahead. It can’t possibly matter if someone says “NO” to anything…. I’m just gonna keep asking, keep applying and keep working with other artists.. Keep trying to act and make and create and think and write and paint…. And getting stuff out there.

Getting everything ready is hard… Time consuming, but I am planning to come back in May. Having everything left behind well will allow me to come home to my life without chaos.