In With The Wrong Crowd

When a child starts school, parents have heaps of different concerns … “Will Lily be able to keep up?” … “Will Josh like the school dinners?” … “Will Edie be able to put her shoes on properly after PE?” And then as they get older … “Will Lily do OK in her exams?” … “Will Josh get picked for the team?” … “Will Edie get a good mark for that essay?”

… the concerns do change … but one issue, that every parent I have spoken to agrees on, across all ages, is “will my child be happy in their friendship group?” Being happy appears to be one of the fundamental wants us as parents desire for our children.

For those of you who have school-aged children, you will be aware of the ‘in’ crowd at school … they have always existed and always will … in every school … and, as cool as it is to be in this group, it can have its issues for some of the members. But it doesn’t just have to be the ‘in’ group … sometimes, a friendship that your child is in doesn’t appear to be making them happy. You can see it as a parent but it is so difficult for your child to see … or, if they can, they really don’t know how to go about changing things.

So, how can we, as parents, support our children through this period of time if we feel they are unhappy? We can’t go marching into school every time a friendship issue gets raised at home … so what is the best way to help our child through a tricky friendship concern without making it too big of an issue? Well, I’m very lucky to have been able to discuss this with Sarah and Jayne, talking therapists, specialising in teen and pre-teen behaviour, from B.E. Integrative Therapy to give parents some ideas and tips.

I hope that you find the following Vlog of help. I would would love for you to click, comment and subscribe and help me on this Vlogging journey which I am thoroughly enjoying.

This topic was raised as an issue by another mummy blogger. If you have any issues that you would like for me to discuss with Sarah and Jayne please get in touch and I will let you know when it goes live. Thank you so much for watching xx

Oh thank you so much – I’m really enjoying the Vlog side and have had such a wonderful response of issues messaged to me to discuss so there will definitely be a few more to come! Thank you for your comment xx

As soon as this popped up in my inbox, I thought what a great topic. This is a real issue with pre-teens and one I remember my parents struggled with as I was friends with the ‘popular’ crowd, but they weren’t the best set of friends really. My Mum and I had the tussle as she warned me against them and I felt she didn’t understand me!But now looking back, I really feel for her as she just didn’t want me to get hurt or be influenced by the wrong people. I love your vlog, you are all so natural and the tips given are really considered and very useful. xx #tribe

Bridie, thank you so much for your comment – it’s a hard one for parents if they are going through this. Thank you for your gorgeous feedback – I’ve had so many mummy bloggers message me with issues to discuss so if you have one let me know as will happily chat it through with Sarah and Jayne xx

Wow, these vlogs are amazing! So useful. I was someone that “fell” in with the wrong crowd and as a result I worry about this for my children. I do not want them getting up to the stuff that I did #MarvMondays

I’m loving this series. The ladies give some wonderful advice, and really understand how hard it is to be a teen. It’s such a tough subject to cover and I think this will have helped lots of people! Thanks for being a #bigpinklinker

Oh thank you so much – I’m so enjoying the vlogging! It really is a tough subject and so hard to discuss within such a short timeframe but am hoping that people will be able to take some points from it at least. Thank you xx

Fantastic vlog and such good advice. Gentle and positive always the way to go. Often seems that the transition from Primary to Secondary can throw friendships up in the air, and it can take time for children to ‘find their place’ especially in a new and sometimes scary environment.

Oh thank you you so much. Am thrilled to get feedback from you on this as your a teacher and a mum so would see it from another perspective too! Gentle and positive all the way to go. Thank you so much for making the time to watch and comment xx

Great topic; I haven’t reached this point with my own daughter yet, but it isn’t too long ago that I was in secondary school and coping with not being part of the in-crowd, and I know my mum must have struggled to deal with it – I’m sure this will be very useful to lots of parents! #MarvMondays

Such a great blog and I love your natural presenting style – it struck many cords with me having watched this whole similar scenario play out this year with one of my children and you could have written the story from this. Really helpful positive advice- thank you so much -great post!!! 🙂 Lou #marvmondays

Oh thank you so much and I’m sorry that you’ve been through his with one of your children – must be so so hard. I hope some of the advice was useful even on reflection of the situation. Thank you for your lovely comment xx

Oh, this is such an important issue. I was worried about this too. Thankfully, with my eldest she has always wanted to have a wide and varied friendship group and saw through some of the veneer of the ‘popular kids’. I feel so grateful that she has a sensible head on her shoulders. Really helpful vlog. Thanks for sharing. #MarvMondays.

At the time I think kids are driven by what’s popular- I know I certainly was, until I realised that the popular crowd wasn’t going to take me the direction I wanted to go, it’s so important for our kids, I genuinely believe it’s the friends that we surround ourselves with that influence our interests and ultimately our future. #dreamteam

I think you’re so right but how lucky for you to have come to that realisation on your own – wow well done! I completely agree that it is our friends that shape us and influence us so it’s so important that our children grow in the right crowd for them so that they can flourish. Thank you for your comment xx

As I was watching this one, I was thinking of friend after friend who has talked to me about this issue. It is such a common problem and I am so glad you addressed it in your brilliant vlogs. I was particularly interested in the comments that you can’t tell the child not to be friends with them. From experience, this is so true. In fact, it pushes your own child away from you, as they feel they can no longer even feed you that small, throw away comment that keeps the lines of communication open. Good advice, as always. Alison x #DreamTeam

It’s such a common problem isn’t it? I really hope that Sarah and Jayne’s advice has been able to help those that need it. And yes, the not telling them to be friends with someone is not helpful and you can see how the child would find that they can’t be open to communication as they know the parents disapprove – oh it’s a tough one! Thank you so much for your comment xx

This is a great vlog and you have covered such a real issue. I was lucky to have a really great group of friends at school..we weren’t the popular crowd but we were happy as our friendship was supportive and real. I am sure lots of parents of teens will find this really useful xx #bigpinklink

This is brilliant…definitely a topic I will worry about more and more as my son gets older. I really appreciate the tips particularly about findingd different interests and also the one about connected friends through the parents. Showing them there is a world and life, friends and fun outside of school seems important. I do worry that if I make a judgement about their friendship group it will be met with defensiveness…I’m sure this needs to be taken carefully and I’m sure the positive tips you all present in the vlog help with that. #bigpinklink

Thank you! I think a lot of parents worry about this issue and it definitely requires careful handling. I also loved the aspect of the world outside of school – so important for a richer life. Thank you for your lovely comment xx

Wow look at you Miss Vlogger. Fab!! Well, I’m going to save this for when we meet again (hopefully) In London in September. I can’t even begin to explain what my daughter is going through (12yo) at school. Heartbreaking and exhausting and annoying. Right I’m off to think about my new Vlog series, joke. #BigPinkLink

Oh I’m so not looking forward to potentially having to deal with this issue with my son. I remember going through so many groups of friends at school trying to find my niche and never really succeeded. I wouldn’t say any of them were toxic, just not right for me. The beauty of hindsight – it was probably the wrong school for me. Thanks for the insightful advice! P.S Love that she’s stroking a cat!!
#BloggerClubUK

It’s just so tough isn’t it and just so hard flitting from group to group and not feeling anyone is like you. Hopefully your experience will really help you guide your own children through these times. Thank you so much for watching and commenting. Aww it’s not a cat but my miniature daschund! I’ll make her more visible next time – I always forget that she’s there when we are recording – she does love to get involved! xx

Thank you for this vlog – we have struggled with one of our kids, now 15, with fitting in and him wanting to be part of the popular crowd at school. It’s hard from both sides, I think. If you are in a popular crowd but feeling trapped, and outside wanting to be part of it. For us, constant reinforcement of how special and wonderful he is, talking things through and listening to him certainly helped. And then, as you say here, we encouraged him to join clubs. The big breakthrough came with Drama. He is now happy, confident, has a few friends and absolutely loves his drama which has helped him in so many ways, but mostly to be happy in his own skin. #BloggerClubUK

Oh I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been through this and it definitely is hard from both sides for sure – so hard to know what is the right thing to do as a parent when you know that your child is finding it hard too. You sound like you handled it wonderfully and just so pleased for you that your son found something that he could do that was his. Drama students are very special – they are different – my eldest has a wonderful group of drama friends and they are very separate from her other friends – that share a similar set of values i feel. Hope things continue to stay positive for your son and thank you so much for your comment. If you ever have any other topics you would like discussed please message me and I’ll work with Sarah and Jayne on something xx

This will be useful and all worth bearing in mind when my little man is at school – but I can’t think about that at the moment. He’s growing too fast as it is! I need to cling onto my ‘baby’ a bit longer. I’ll call on you in a few years 🙂 #BloggerClubUK

My daughter has just finished her first year at school and we’ve had all kinds of friendship tales come home. At the moment, I’m just letting her get on with it and find out what friendship is all about, but I do worry that she keeps going back to a friend that is a bit of a bully. We’ll see what the new school year brings #coolmumclub

Oh you have to let them try when they are small and just be there to listen and guide – it’s how they learn – it just gets a little trickier as they get older, sadly. Thank you so much for commenting xx

Another brilliant and very informative Vlog. I was in with the wrong crowd a lot when I was younger and remember my mum always having a go at me for it which didn’t really help because I thought they were ok and my friends! I found out for myself that wasn’t the case and felt really stupid so I worry that once my kids grow up they will go through the same as. Thank you for the great advice x #ablogginggoodtime

Thank you so much, Pat. It must be so hard as a parent if you can see the crowd is not helping your child but this needs to be handled gently as children will just get defensive or find out themselves like you and sometimes that isn’t always great! Thank you for watching and commenting xx

Another wonderful vlog Helen, and such brilliant advice. It’s definitely something that really affects older children and teenagers in particular – my sister and I have had lots of conversations about her teenagers on this topic, and it’s very tricky. I really like the idea of having friends from separate places and family friends – I didn’t really have that as a child and I was always a little jealous of the people who did! #ablogginggoodtime

Oh thank you so much for lovely feedback – I think friends outside of school groups will really help those less happy at school for sure. Hope your sister finds the advice useful if she ever wants a topic discussed with Sarah and Jayne let me know xx

Wow this is amazing! Will go back tomorrow to watch the whole video as I only finished half. I have to admit that my son is just 6 but this is already a problem with us so though they are talking about teens I still feel the need to listen. #ablogginggoodtime

Oh thank you so much for such a lovely comment – I hope it helps – I’m sorry to hear that your little boy is going through it a little bit – Sarah and Jayne have lots of advice so hopefully some of it will be easy to put into place xx

Oh Helen I finally have been able to watch one of your vlogs and it was fab. Good on you for getting I front of the camera, you are a braver won’t than me. This is a fab blog with some excellent advice, I think we could have done with this a few years ago when our teen was going through the finding the right groups stage, which fortunately she has done now, after lots of trial and error. Wonderful vlog that I would urge anyone going through this phase to watch xx #marvmondays xx

Oh he will – I don’t like to think of you being so worried. School will be wonderful for him and will work so closely with you hopefully. Are you aware of Catie from an imperfect mum? If not, you must make contact with her – an amazing woman who will have so much wonderful advice xx

A really useful topic to cover thank you! With the big boy starting school in September and having been separated from his friends at nursery it will be interesting to see what new friendships he makes #ablogginggoodtime

As a Mum to two tots I listened to this feeling that plenty of MUMS (including me) could heed some of this advice about choosing their friendship groups wisely! Sometimes it’s healthier just to let go eh?
Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub Helen!

Helen such a hot topic. I have posted a couple of times on my daughter’s own toxic friendship and I know you said one of yours had a similar problem. You are right, you can’t interfere but it is so hard to stand back and watch events unfold. My own experience is that these things do sort themselves out as our children learn to tackle these situations themselves but of course with diplomatic guidance from us!

Thank you for your comment – it is so hard as a parent to stand back I agree -I’ve taken a lot on board from Sarah and Jayne’s advice though – really makes me think about my parenting and how best to do it!

Really tough parenting challenge, but really great suggestions. Particularly getting them to start thinking about the positives and negatives themselves. A good way to start a much more constructive conversatio and dialogue with tweens/teens. Thanks for sharing this on #MarvMondays. Emily

Love your VLOG! We don’t have this hurdle yet with our little one, but I do remember my mum always going on about not getting in with ‘that wrong crowd’. Of course she was right. It’s just very hard to see it at the time. Lot’s of lovely tips. I do think that having extra friends from outside school via clubs that have no connection to school friends is always a positive. Thank you for sharing this with the #DreamTeam