Saturday, January 22, 2005

Mary Gorgonzola Day

Mary Gorgonzola Day!

She died thirty-six years ago today. And thirty-six years ago today, her dream came true.

Mary Gorgonzola believed that everyone in the town of Midvale should have a statue of some kittens playing on their front lawns. When people asked her if the statues could perhaps be in their backyards, Mary Gorgonzola would pitch a shitfit and accuse those people of owning pornography. Other citizens would ask how big the statues should be, and how many kittens should the statues depict at play? May Gorgonzola would respond, first, by suggesting that those people are from Mexico, then she'd say the statues had to have six kittens, and they had to be six feet tall and four feet wide, and they had to include a rabbit watching from off to the side. Also, the statues had to be day-glo. Mary Gorgonzola warned that if the town's children knew that the town had considered this proposal and rejected it, the children would never forgive them.

The town of Midvale told Mary Gorgonzola to go to hell so she killed herself, but not before she sent letters to all of the town's children explaining what their parents had done. The children confronted their parents with the letters, asking for an explanation. The parents did not want to lose the love of their children, so they all commissioned the local house full of unmarried artistic women to design and produce the sculptures. For thirty years now, Mary Gorgonzola's legacy has adorned the front lawns of Midvale. And the fate of all of Midvale has been determined by the whims of that house full of unmarried artistic women, since they became very rich after their kitten lawn sculpture design business took off like a jet plane.