– Antenna can only be disabled by utilizing the unconventional grip called “the reverse fist”

– Sturdy construction helps it survive being thrown at emotionally needy children acting out to get your attention

– New Universal Search function is occasionally able to find half-assed, second-rate versions of iPhone apps that will work on your BlackBerry

– Bigger, brighter screen makes you 15% more likely to ignore homeless people

– Lack of a touchscreen means no more embarrassing accidentally calling your ex-girlfriend when you gingerly touch the photo of her in your contact list, lost in fond remembrances and dreaming of the future you might’ve had together

– That keyboard makes a huge difference in how fast you can fire off sexual fantasies to your coworkers