The
asexual community refer to themselves as "aces." A
catch-all definition characterizes an asexual as someone
who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike
celibacy or abstinence, which people choose, asexuality
is an intrinsic part of who you are. Asexuality does not
make your life any worse or any better, you just face a
different set of challenges than most sexual people.
There is considerable diversity among the asexual
community; each asexual person experiences things like
relationships, attraction and arousal somewhat
differently.

"I do have regular sex, and it is pretty nice," one
asexual woman says of her relationship. "And I do feel
some sexual desire under special circumstances … but I
enjoy a lot of the sex with my partner only very
partially from my own sexual desire, which is minimal.
It's really from this secondary sexual desire, this
desire to make him happy, that makes it enjoyable. That
desire is a powerful force that stems from the head,
rather than my libido. I don't hunger for sex the way
other people might."

According
to researchers, some asexual people are happier on their
own or with a group of close friends, while other
asexuals have a desire to date and will form more
intimate romantic relationships. Asexual relationships
are based on the same elements that are also important
for many sexual people, like understanding, commitment,
trust, emotional intimacy and communication. For some
asexuals arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though
it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual
partner. Some asexuals will occasionally masturbate, but
feel no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual
people experience little or no arousal.

Asexual
people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and
like in the sexual community we vary widely in how we
fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on
their own, others are happiest with a group of close
friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more
intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek
long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as
likely to date sexual people as we are to date each
other.

Sexual or nonsexual, all relationships are made up of
the same basic stuff. Communication, closeness, fun,
humor, excitement and trust all happen just as much in
sexual relationships as in nonsexual ones. Unlike sexual
people, asexual people are given few expectations about
the way that our intimate relationships will work.
Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be
monogamous in nonsexual relationships can be
challenging, but free of sexual expectations we can form
relationships in ways that are grounded in our
individual needs and desires.

Attraction

Many
asexual people experience attraction, but we feel no
need to act out that attraction sexually. Instead we
feel a desire to get to know someone, to get close to
them in whatever way works best for us. Asexual people
who experience attraction will often be attracted to a
particular gender, and will identify as lesbian, gay,
bi, or straight.

Arousal

For some
sexual arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though it
is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner
or partners. Some will occasionally masturbate, but feel
no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual people
experience little or no arousal. Because we don’t care
about sex, asexual people generally do not see a lack of
sexual arousal as a problem to be corrected, and focus
their energy on enjoying other types of arousal and
pleasure.

People who
identify as asexual don’t really feel sexual attraction
towards anyone. They may think other people are
physically attractive, or they may want to be in
romantic relationships with people. But they’re not
interested in having sex or doing sexual things with
other people. Asexual people sometimes use the word
“ace” for short.

Asexuality has nothing to do with romantic attraction.
Many asexual people feel romantically attracted to
people, so they may identify as asexual, and also as
gay, lesbian, bisexual, or straight. They just don’t
feel any desire to act on these feelings in a sexual
way.

Asexual people have emotional needs just like everyone
else. Some asexual people have romantic relationships,
and others aren’t interested in that. They get close to
people or experience intimacy through ways other than
sex.

There are also people who don’t feel romantic attraction
or want to be in romantic relationships. They may
identify as aromantic. Being aromantic and being asexual
are two separate things.

Some asexual people do get aroused (turned on), but they
don’t feel the desire to be sexual with other people.
And some asexual people masturbate. But others may not
feel arousal at all.

It’s totally normal to go through times when you don’t
want to have sex, but that doesn’t necessarily mean
you’re asexual. And asexuality is not the same thing as
being celibate. Celibacy is a choice you make, and
asexuality is a sexual identity (who you naturally are).

Like other sexual orientations, asexuality isn’t always
black and white. There’s a spectrum between being sexual
(having sexual attraction) and being asexual. Different
people fall into different places on that spectrum. Some
people who have very little sexual attraction to other
people identify as gray-a. Some people who are only
sexually attracted to people they’re in relationships
with identify as demisexual.

There is nothing “wrong” with people who are asexual,
and there’s no evidence to support that people are
asexual because of any kind of mental health issue or
psychological trauma.
It’s actually kind of common. Some research says that 1
out of 100 adults is asexual.

The Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN) has
devised a useful model which can be helpful in
understanding asexuality. This research-based model is
called the Asexuality Spectrum. Asexuality can be
understood in terms of Romantic Orientation and Sexual
Orientation and the interplay between the two. It
addresses the causes and effects of primary and
secondary forms of sexual attraction and sexual desire.

An asexual person's romantic orientation may be
described along a continuum as: heteroromantic,
homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, or aromantic. (An
aromantic person experiences little or no romantic
attraction to others and/or a lack of interest in
forming romantic relationships.)

An asexual person's sexual orientation may be described
along a continuum as: asexual, gray area, demisexual, or
sexual.

In between sexuality (persons who experience sexual
attraction) and asexuality (persons who do not
experience sexual attraction), there is a fluid or gray
area that is described by this model.

"Gray Area" or "Gray-A" is a term used to describe a
person who is both sexual and asexual. Other terms used
are "hyposexual" or "semisexual" or "asexualish" or "sexualish."

"Demisexual" is a term used to describe a person who
does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a
strong emotional connection with somebody. It is
commonly seen in, but not confined to, romantic
relationships. Demisexuality refers to an orientation
between sexual and asexual.

Being in a relationship does not necessarily imply that
there is romance. The asexual community (including
aromantics) separates sexual and romantic orientation.

There is such a thing as non-romantic loving
relationships. Most people would agree that family is
kind of non-romantic loving relationship, especially
from the mother to the children, but friendship and
companionship may be more important than romantic
partnership even for some romantic people.

Not only is love not exclusive of romance, but even
infatuation. For the latter, the asexual community
coined the term “squish” to refer to an asexual
aromantic crush. And they recently coined the term
“zucchini” to refer to an aromantic platonic
relationship.

Queerplatonic
Relationships

A queerplatonic relationship (QPR) is one which is more
intense and intimate than what most people regard as a
friendship, not fitting the traditional romantic couple
model. It is characterized by a strong bond, love, and
emotional commitment, yet is not perceived by those
involved as romantic or more than a friendship. Being a
so-called platonic relationship, it does not comprehend
sexuality/eroticism or exclusivity nor it is this what
the relationship is organized around. It is defined by
the intensity and significance of the emotional
connection.

The people involved do not have to identify as queer. It
is a type of relationship experienced by and available
to anybody regardless of their sexual orientation,
romantic orientation, or monogamy. The people involved
in a queerplatonic relationship may consider themselves
partners, life-partners, a couple, a triad, or any other
term that implies the relationship is meaningful,
committed and intimate. Because queerplatonic
relationships are not based on exclusivity, a
participant of the relationship may have multiple QPPs
and exclusive relationships (romantic or sexual) with a
third party not involved in the QR.

Queerplatonic partners (QPs or QPPs) are sometimes
referred to as "zucchini.” This was originally a joke
within the aromantic asexual community, underscoring the
lack of words in mainstream relationship discourse to
signify meaningful relationships that do not follow the
standard and expected sexual/romantic norms, and
frustration with the erasure of other kinds of intimacy,
which were perceived as equally valuable to the
sexual/romantic model.

Due to the controversy surrounding the reclamation of
"queer", an alternative to queerplatonic is "quasiplatonic"
or "quirkyplatonic".

In some situations the people involved can show physical
affection such as cheek kisses, pecks on the lips,
holding hands, sitting on each other's lap, seeing each
other naked, cuddling and literally sleeping together.
To QPPs, these activities are not necessarily romantic
nor sexual/erotic.