The Cost of Staying Still….

I have a coworker that is completely relocating. She lives in California, her family is in California, and she is moving to Arizona.

I truly have never envied someone much in my entire life.

I was overwhelmed with happiness for her, and I know it was a real emotion happening and not just lack of sleep as it has been 3 days since her telling me, and I still feel exactly the same way. Over joyed. Can you be so happy for someone but also incredibly envious at the same time? It sounds odd but I have never really experienced that sensation before. I don’t tend to surround myself with “jumpers” as I like to call them so maybe up until this moment I just had never experienced someone being able to make a life changing decision in an instant, be happy with it, pour concrete over it and just fly. I sure as hell have never done that. Yet, my entire life I have wanted to.

So, why am I staying still?

I think a lot about packing my bags and moving somewhere else. Constantly, if I am being completely honest here. I don’t think the urge comes from anywhere else but true sense of wander and lust for the world that is outside of my own. I would love to stand here at my kitchen counter and write that I am some kind of grand adventurer in my spare time, that I explore caves, and every other weekend Kyle and I venture off somewhere we have never been before. The truth is that I am too full of anxiety to be that adventurer. Buying a new brand of wine and ordering in pizza is a good adventure for me. I stress over holiday parties with family because…..people….because people say and do things that give me anxiety. And, so I stay. Not only in my comfort zone of my city, but the comfort of my home, and California forever my state.

I went back to my desk after coworker told me the news and I wanted to cry in joy for her. How absolutely free she was to just……go. She is going to pack a few suitcases, sell most of her possessions, get an amazing salary with the company, and just go exist in a completely different location than me. It sounds so stupid when you say it aloud. Yes, Krystal, people move. People pack things, get new jobs, move away from family and friends, and yes they still exist…if not thrive better than before. Real people do this all the time, and it is not some grand gesture or even a blog worthy post. Yet, to me….this week the thoughts have just consumed me.

The ironic thing is that I have been offered many jobs in our Arizona locations, and I have always laughed at them as if something like that would be so unbecoming of me, but really it’s just that it would be nothing like me to have the guts to do it.

This is also one of those topics that you can’t discuss with anyone really but your significant other. The decision has to be decisive, ground breaking, and you can’t tell anyone until you just know in your soul. People kill you with negativity. Baby Jesus, am I believer in that phrase.

“what about your family?” — What about me?

“You will not like it there” — What if I love it there?

“You’ll be lonely” — So, I just cannot ever come home?

“It will be so much different….you won’t like anywhere outside California…..I have been too many states, Krystal.” — But, I am not you.

Are you bored yet? Here is a picture of me cooking risotto…..dying of hunger and blogging in the kitchen…..which my husband hates….because I might spill something on the precious computer.

I am trying to get so much better at repeating a few phrases in my head when faced with negativity especially from family, and one of them is But, I am not you. I never dare to say aloud as German blood runs deep and some people need to win arguments for the sake of winning, but I’m trying to remember the little phrases here and there so little things out of other people’s mouths don’t crack my foundation so easily.

You see, I think I have always been a dreamer but I am in a disabled body. It is not an excuse, but it is the truth.

I think I am the girl that wants to climb waterfalls, go canoeing, rock climb, and travel the world but growing up my body just would not give. Adults try to protect you from the harshness of life by being honest with you, I was never a dumb child, and my parents never tried to tell me I could not go outside between the hours of 10am-6pm because monsters were out…no they told me medications made me allergic to the sun. So, I stayed inside during the summer while others played fully knowing I was sick, handicapped, and 9. Along with honesty comes this harsh bitterness though. Because, I was a smart child and proved I could handle the truth of my disease. I often had to hear things I think quietly broke my spirit. I could hear people arguing about how I couldn’t go to Great America because I couldn’t possibly walk that long, or how shopping trips needed to be cut in half because I’d get too tired. No one ever lied, and sometimes now I wish they did.

I try not to believe it, but I think the real reason I have become a true grown up…..afraid to move, afraid to be different, and terrified to chase after what I really want in the world is because deep down I really do not believe enough in myself.

Why can’t I go to Hawaii? Who cares if I can’t hike for 8 hours, but only 4….because then I might be a burden. I am only being a burden to myself. Why can’t I go to do photo shoots along mountainsides? Because, what if I fall to my death? That happens to physically able people too, Krystal.

Step 1 for me is writing this blog. I am going to invest in it. This is my way of exposing my writing the way I choose to do so, because seriously guys I have hundreds of pages of nonsense just like this, and part of letting go of the anxiety of being a writer is to reveal that. These are my thoughts. I still get embarrassed even calling myself a writer…..like I am undeserving of the title….like it’s a belittlement to be a writer. Yet, I meet writers, strangers that call themselves writers, and same envious emotions overflow me. I love that they can say that. I love that they are free with the very thing that keeps them going…..because I know what it is to be a writer, and eventually you have to let all this go and out into the world, and let the eyes need it be able to absorb your words. So, this blog is my way of doing that.

My blog may not always be food, booze, or funny, but it will always be honest.

Because, being honest with myself is probably the first steps of many in forgiving myself, freeing myself, and unburdening myself.

P.S

I am not looking to move anytime soon, but now you know if I do…….it will be a complete surprise.

In ending, if you stuck around this long. What is the payment you are paying for staying still? Also, where should I go? I’m planning random trips this year and all the years to come. What should I see, eat, and do?