In the above video, America's favorite cosmic casanova, William Shatner, provides a poorly CGI-ed and hammily acted object lesson on the dangers of improper turkey frying. It's a PSA from State Farm Insurance, who is tired of paying out claims on drunken idiots burning down their house while trying to clog their arteries. No word on whether an instructional video on proper Tofurky preparation is forthcoming.

3. Waiter arrested for giving two-year-old a sip of sake

American puritanism strikes again!

At the Wasabi Japanese Steakhouse in Ohio, the waiters carry around little squirt bottles filled with sake. As they walk around the floor, they occasionally stop to pour a little rice wine into guests' mouths. They probably think this makes the dining experience more fun. But they are wrong.

In fact, it makes the dining experience a horrible, scarring nightmare that an innocent young boy may never recover from. The waiter faces a sentence of as much as six months in prison for furnishing alcohol to a minor. The poor boy reportedly "started crying, saying it burned". When asked for comment, an average European two-year-old said, "Sake? That stuff's for babies!"

Eat your veggies!

Collin Anderson/Flickr

2. Pizza is a vegetable, say elected idiots

America is in trouble. Protests have sprung up around the country to decry the destruction of the middle class and the death of the American Dream. Unemployment is chronically high. The country's economy is in a constant state of near-collapse. So Congress is spending night and day doing everything in its power to stave off impending disaster, right?

This bill was obviously the result of a grassroots public movement lobbying effort by frozen pizza makers, the salt industry, and potato growers. You know, "the People"...

1. Bacon lube? Bacon lube!

"Ooh, you're a dirty sow, aren't you?"

J&D

Just look at that picture. How conflicted are you right now? On the one hand, bacon is awesome. On the other hand, sex is awesome. But this ad is evocative of bestiality. And the thought of the smell of frying bacon permeating a bedroom is evocative of 'Eww!'.