Hello, I am doing a history paper on the von Trapps. I was wondering if you would look at my working thesis and help me make it stronger. I don't know how much you can help me but I'm grateful if you can help at all.

Here is my thesis:

Maria came to the von Trapp family to tutor a sickly child, with them she found love, family, and music.

Like a G train appearing in a misty tunnel, the weekend is here at last. And what better way to celebrate than with a great thesis?

I'm working...or rather procrastinating on this paper. This is what I have so far for my intro. Is my thesis ok? What can I do to spice up my intro? A better opening sentence?

Many of Emily Dickinson’s poems center on death and the afterlife. The apparent death-fixation within her poetry does not exhibit the fear of death but rather the opposite; Dickinson is very pragmatic and unromantic when it comes to the subject. However, for one so apathetic towards death, she clings to an almost paradoxical fear of the afterlife.

Sparklers, I like it. I like it a lot. I would word it a little differently, though. Here's the original, with my comments in