Day 384: The words Care, Obligation, and Sacred

Day 384: Care, Obligation, and Sacred

Here I continue with further Self Forgiveness statements and release of energies within how I have personally lived the word Care: and how early in my life that I have put structures into it, how I have used it in the backchat/self definition of ‘I don’t care’. Here sharing also outlines of a mind construct that I accepted and allowed to exist within me, around this point of Care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat script of ‘I don’t care’ as a point of self manipulation; and within that, the blame of ‘you don’t care [for me]’, and ‘you should care [for me]’ And then ‘I refuse to care for me as an example of what you’ve done, to make you feel bad.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put this thought into application. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate the consequence of living out this sentence through my life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to speak out with my mother, and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to mention my expectations, or why I was so angry. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of who I was in front of my mother in my emotions and my expectations. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to really look at who I was within that shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store memories in my mind of an image of my mother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep such an image in my mind, as an effigy, as a trophy of blame. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this trophy as a source of justification in my mind, in the resonance of I don’t care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in holding on to this blame to have become rigid and disempowered in the presence of the word care in my life, not seeing realizing or understanding how I had made this so. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an illusion in my mind of a stance of retaliation, as an illusion of independence within the intonation of these words ‘I don’t care’ within my mind, as righteousness in which I am declaring also my freedom from the lies deception and manipulations that through victim’s eyes I saw being done to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed righteousness to exist within me, a righteousness that has no reference to physical reality, in which I have defined myself as separate to life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refer to a memory of this righteousness experience in myself with the script of ‘I don’t care’, that in embodying it for a moment, I define myself as dismissive of these things, distractions, thoughts; deliberately ignoring, refusing to consider me or others, and within that, standing for a moment as a memory of this victory over care illusion, as if I had outed the deception of an other being.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I expressed myself directly, that I would destroy the relationship with my mother. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was bad, so not deserving of approval, if I caused a bad reaction in her. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my father’s wrath, should this happen. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this fear, to have become disempowered within myself, and that within and as that fear and in that disempowerment that I resorted to the ways of manipulation, operating within that manipulation as a decision to live dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel this contempt into a manipulation with the intention of making my mother feel bad, feel guilty, so that I could validate myself as a victim and as victorious, and so, win. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sentence me to a life in which through saying the words ‘I don’t care’ I am standing justified in self abuse, and self neglect, just as a result of this reaction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this justification in my mind as real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be made to feel things by others, and within that, that I am not responsible for what I feel. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed as an extension of this belief, a world of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect images of Holy Mother and Child to the word Care, and then to make of that an experience in my mind, and an expectation of my mother, and that in my mind, I accepted and allowed myself to believe this to be an obligation: I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother was obliged to give me this experience.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself judge my mother that she, in my projections, broke this obligation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within this to have believed that this was a breach of something sacred.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Sacred as an experience inside me as something that must be protected immediately and at all costs, regardless of the damage. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered by this word, that I have accepted and allowed this word Sacred to control my actions, that I have accepted and allowed this word to become a starting point of me in my reactions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this system, immediate argumentative attacking responses to protect a lie, while projecting out a world of lies and judgement and malignance, and blaming out at other beings in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created programs for me to live that are initiated in this word Sacred. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a certain kind of backchat to be supported by this vehement emotion, judgement, spite, cutting down, undermining, and all of it – for the Sake of Sacred – so as not move, not to have exposed the guilty secret, to not have to look at it face on, that I in fact depend upon this experience of care that I have imagined to exist, that I then imagined in my mind to have been lost.

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