A blog with news and other items concerning my work as a funeral celebrant. My aim is to create and conduct a funeral service that honours the deceased and allows the ones left behind a space to grieve and to find consolation from a service which is focussed on the life of the deceased. Elaine Searle, Civil Celebrant

Monday, July 3, 2017

Disenfranchised Grief by Doris Zagdanski

About disenfranchised grief

Loss is one of the most common experiences that brings about
grieving, but some types of losses are just
not recognized and so we have to keep them hidden. This means we can’t grieve
about them openly either.

Disenfranchised grief is a
concept that was first described by Kenneth J. Doka in 1989. He defined
disenfranchised grief “as grief that persons experience when they incur a loss
that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned or publicly
mourned”.

When does disenfranchised grief happen?

 When the relationship is not recognised – such as the
close ties of friends, a secret lover, same sex couples, foster parents,
colleagues, roommates, teenage romance, step parents & step children.

 When the loss is not acknowledged – death of an
ex-spouse, miscarriage, abortion, having a disabled child, being an adopted
child, placing a child up for adoption, pet loss, financial ruin, loss of
home/personal possessions, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, loss of
hair/physical appearance due to chemotherapy or illness, death of a public
figure/personal hero you admired, death that occurs to people you are not
personally acquainted with such as victims of war, natural disasters, crime,
capital punishment, misadventure – that touches you.

 When the griever is excluded – thought to be too
young, judged as not central to the relationship, overlooked due to culture,
mental disability or ageing. It could be the loss of access to grandchildren or
extended family because of divorce or conflict.

Sometimes grief can be disenfranchised by well-meaning family
and friends when they set a time limit on your
grief or expect you not to cry or encourage you to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’.
This can result in the griever feeling more lonely, misunderstood, more
isolated. It doesn’t help when support and comfort that are offered for other
losses, that are perceived to be ‘acceptable,’ are not as readily on offer to
you.

Remind yourself that you are the
best expert on your grief.

Your loss is real, whether or not
other people recognise it.

Your grief is what you say it is,

because you are the one going
through it.

Doris
Zagdanski BA Dip
Ed

Doris Zagdanski is
a leading figure in modern day grief and loss education. Her seminars are
included in vocational qualifications in Allied Health, Counselling and Funeral
Directing. Her books and free factsheets are available at www.allaboutgrief.com.

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About Me

I am a funeral celebrant, or officiant, based on Sydney's northern beaches and conducting funerals throughout the Sydney metropolitan area and the Blue Mountains. See my webpage www.funeralcelebrantsydney.com.au