“So, anyway,” says the guy on the phone, “I’m pretty sure my last employer is black-balling me. Every time I get a job interview and it goes well, the thing dies, and it’s always after I submit my list of references.”

“Now, why would your last employer do that?”I asked him. “Did you leave on bad terms?”

“Oh, for sure,” said the fellow on the phone. “I got drunk at lunch and ran a forklift into a brick wall. But I thought they weren’t allowed to give me a bad reference.”

“They can answer the question ‘Is he eligible for rehire?'” I said. “If the answer is No — well, what would you do, if you were a hiring manager?”

“I’d think the worst,” said the guy. “Even worse than the forklift incident.”

Job references can be sticky business. For starters, we don’t always leave our employment situations on great terms, even when lunchtime drinking and forklift catastrophes are not in the picture. It isn’t even always our fault when things end badly. Lots of employers tell their managers not to give out references at all, because they don’t want to take the chance that a manager defames a former employee and the company gets sued. That’s a horrible policy – as are all policies that manage to the lowest common denominator, assuming that the very same managers we hired and trained aren’t capable of giving a reference without sliming a former employee – but it is prevalent. In those cases, the company may only pass along the dates of your employment and your job titles – but they’ll likely answer the question “Is this person eligible for rehire?” truthfully, and if you aren’t eligible for rehire, you’re out of luck.

In that case, your best bet is to give a reference from your last job who is not officially connected with the company. That could be a former manager who’s left the organization, or a customer or vendor you worked with. Of course, another alternative to stressing about job references is to go into business by yourself or with a friend, and leave the world of W-2 employment altogether.

Any time you get a new job, you want to start cultivating three things, right away. The first is resume fodder – things that you’ve worked on and made happen that you can add to your resume, and talk about with future employers on future job interviews. The second thing is contacts, a/k/a Members of Your Network. The third thing is references.

Way too many people leave a job without any references, apart from the HR department itself. A reference from the database is not a reference; it’s just employment verification. You need real reference-givers who can gush about your brilliance and spark. That means you need references who can speak freely about you. If your former employer prohibits reference-giving by its department managers, you’re going to need some references who aren’t bound by that restriction. That’s where people who know you and who have left the firm come in handy.

It’s just as sticky on the other side of the reference equation. Sometimes you want to help a former employee out, and your own employer won’t let you. If you’re forbidden to write a letter of recommendation or make a LinkedIn endorsement (shameful, to treat loyal former employees that way) you can still be connected to your former team member on LinkedIn, which is heck of a lot more credible than not being connected. You can still list projects on your LinkedIn profile that you and your former team member worked on together. More credibility!

Sometimes things move in the opposite direction. What do you do if you don’t want to be used as a reference for a former team member or co-worker, but they ask you to do it? You have to tell the truth – sort of. Here’s what I do in that situation. I say “Oh my gosh, I wouldn’t be a good reference for you. It was a long time ago, and I must admit that I don’t remember our work together all that well.” Maybe it is wimpy, but it’s better than telling a person you’ll be a reference when you have no intention of gushing on his or her behalf. The worst thing you can do is tell another manager “Sure, Hal is a great guy” when Hal is definitely not a great guy. That’s not how you want to use your social capital, is it?

Let’s address one more scenario. You are job-hunting, and you forgot to cultivate any reference-givers up to now. Employers want three of them, and you don’t have any. You’ve got to go get some references, and make sure they are people who know you and can speak about your character and work ethic. One could be a person at your place of worship, for instance if you volunteered there. One could be a colleague or professional contact who didn’t work with you at the same company, like a banker or a recruiter. A third could be a person who worked under you, on your team.

Don’t forget to get in touch with your list of reference-givers every time you intend to share their names and contact info. Prep them, because it’s jarring to be contacted out of the blue and asked to provide a reference for a person you haven’t seen in ages. Make sure your reference-givers are in town, because employers will give up and move on to other candidates if your references aren’t reachable. Last tip: don’t give out your references until you’re at the pre-offer stage. Handing over your references up front, when you submit your resume, is unfair to the kind people who agreed to provide references for you. They don’t want their contact information tossed around like Pokemon cards. Discretion in reference-list submission, as in so many realms, is the better part of valor.

A comment on the job reference aspect of this interesting article. Note that organizations like Allison & Taylor, Inc. (of which I am a part) can ascertain up-front what a former employer will say about you to a prospective new employer. Such input will offer guidance as to whether or not to list your last supervisor, HR representative, etc. as a reference. Should their input about you be unfavorable, you will have remedial recourse to discourage them from offering such commentary about you going forward.

Liz Ryan is a former Fortune 500 HR executive and the CEO of Human Workplace, an online community and consulting firm focused on reinventing work and career education. She is working with the Denver Post to bring the best expert advice on work place issues and tips to improve your career. Note: Liz Ryan was selected for her expertise, but her opinions are solely her own. We are not endorsing or advocating her business.