Thoughts on Life, Love, Politics, Hypocrisy and Coming Out in Mid-Life

Wednesday, June 01, 2016

Christian Rock Star Trey Pearson Comes Out as Gay.

This blog began as a way for me to deal with my coming out process and, at the time, to compile material for a book as suggested by my therapist. Along the way, I have shared my thoughts and feelings and given glimpses of my struggle growing up gay, yet denying it and striving to conform to what I thought my religion, society and my family expected. It was an exhausting and soul killing experience that ground me down until I reached a point of either having to admit reality and come to terms with it or end my life (something I tried twice along the journey). Today, many news outlets, both gay and religious, are reporting on the coming out of Trey Pearson (pictured at right), a Christian music star. In reading the coverage, including the letter that Pearson released, I was struck by the common feelings and motivations that had pushed both he and I to strive to deny the truth about ourselves. I want to share some of the coverage because it answers a question I am still often asked when people learn that I was once married to a woman and have children: when did you know you were gay and why did you get married? Here are highlights from Religion News Service:

“I don’t mean to
cry. It’s just been such a long time coming.”

Trey Pearson,
35, was overcome with emotion halfway into our first interview, and it is easy
to understand why. For the past 15 years, he’s been the lead singer of the
popular Christian rock band Everyday Sunday. But he decided to put his career on
the line this week and acknowledge to his fans that he is gay.

“I finally
decided to come out because I couldn’t keep trying to be something that I
wasn’t,” he tells me.

(614) Magazine, an
entertainment and culture magazine in Columbus, Ohio, will tell Pearson’s story
in a 12-page cover story for its June issue. His narrative will ring
familiar to many who grew up in a religious community. Pearson was raised in a
conservative Christian home where he was taught that sexual orientation was a
matter of choice. Though he knew from an early age that he was attracted
to other males, he attempted to suppress his feelings and “be straight.”

“I never wanted
to be gay,” he tells (614). “I was scared of what God would think and
what all of these people I loved would think about me; so it was never an
option for me.”

Nearly
eight years ago, Pearson married a woman in hopes of achieving the kind of
straight dream-life his community would support. Though he and his wife had two
children, his hopes never materialized and Pearson realized he “was never going
to be who my wife needed me to be.”

“I was not
making it an option to be gay so I could be loyal to her and my children,”
he told me. “But then I realized the only way I was ever going to be my
best for them was to be healthy myself.”

Pearson’s shift
places him in the center of a growing movement of popular Christian musicians who are
coming out as gay and are advocating for a more open and
accepting posture in the church. Ray Boltz, whose songs were staples in
evangelical churches throughout the 1990s, came out as gay in 2004. Grammy-nominated Anthony Williams
became the first openly gay gospel artist in 2009. Jennifer
Knapp, another Grammy-nominated Christian artist, acknowledged that she was a lesbian one year later.
And in 2014, popular worship music artist Vicky Beeching told The Independent that she too was a lesbian.

These musicians
paid a hefty price. Since Christian music fans tend to be conservative and
believe that homosexual acts are sinful, you won’t hear these
artists’ music played in most churches or on Christian radio these days.

I
absolutely want to be a voice for other people,” Pearson says. “I know there
are more and more Christians that realize how important this is, and I hope I
can join with them in seeing this change.”

As for Pearson's letter to his fans and friends, here are excerpts:

To my fans and
friends:

Most of us reach
at least one pivotal moment in our lives that better defines who we are.These last
several months have been the hardest – but have also ended up being the most
freeing months — of my life.

To make an
extremely long story short, I have come to be able to admit to myself, and to
my family, that I am gay.

I grew up in a
very conservative Christian home where I was taught that my sexual orientation
was a matter of choice, and had put all my faith into that. I had never before
admitted to myself that I was gay, let alone to anyone else. I never wanted to
be gay.

I’ve tried my
whole life to be straight. I married a girl, and I even have two beautiful
little kids. My daughter, Liv, is six and my son, Beckham, is two.

I had always
romanticized the idea of falling in love with a woman; and having a family had
always been my dream. In many ways, that dream has come true. But I have also
come to realize a lot of time has passed in my life pushing away, blocking out
and not dealing with real feelings going on inside of me. I have tried not to
be gay for more than 20 years of my life.

I tried to
convince myself that this was what God wanted and that this would work. I
thought all of those other feelings would stay away if I could just do this
right.

When Lauren and
I got married, I committed to loving her to the best of my ability, and I had
the full intention of spending the rest of my life with her. Despite our best
efforts, however, I have come to accept that there is nothing that is going to
change who I am.

I know I have a
long way to go. But if this honesty with myself about who I am, and who I was
made by God to be, doesn’t constitute as the peace that passes all
understanding, then I don’t know what does. It is like this weight I have been
carrying my whole life has been lifted from me, and I have never felt such
freedom.

In sharing this
publicly I’m taking another step into health and wholeness by accepting myself,
and every part of me. It’s not only an idea for me that I’m gay; It’s my life.
This is me being authentic and real with myself and other people. This is a
part of who I am.

I hope people
will hear my heart, and that I will still be loved. I’m still the same guy,
with the same heart, who wants to love God and love people with everything I
have. This is a part of me I have come to be able to accept, and now it is a
part of me that you know as well. I trust God to help love do the rest.

Without realizing it perhaps, Pearson has described the private struggle and agony that I and many others have experienced. For readers who are still in the closet, I hope you with think about what Pearson has said. It applies to all of us who due to religious based ignorance and bigotry tried so hard to live a lie. I wish Pearson much happiness and much deserved self-acceptance.

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Out gay attorney in a committed relationship; formerly married and father of three wonderful children; sometime activist and political/news junkie; survived coming out in mid-life and hope to share my experiences and reflections with others.
In the career/professional realm, I am affiliated with Caplan & Associates PC where I practice in the areas of real estate, estate planning (Wills, Trusts, Advanced Medical Directives, Financial Powers of Attorney, Durable Medical Powers of Attorney); business law and commercial transactions; formation of corporations and limited liability companies and legal services to the gay, lesbian and transgender community, including birth certificate amendment.

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