Otto Miller / Dixie Mountain

Like everyone else in Portland, we passively watched the Tour of California from our work computers while pretending to do whatever it is people in Portland pretend to do all day. And like everyone else, the beautifully shot, soft focused promotional videos made us want to go out and ride bikes instead of work all day.

But we weren’t invited, so we made our own trip.

While Rapha brands portions of the Amgen Tour of California with their logo, we decided to suck the wheel of their advertising dollars and create “Jahvahaah Internationale Rides Portions of 2010 Rapha Gentlemen’s Race.” To return to a simpler time. When men rode bikes. And women couldn’t vote. And leeches cured rickets.

Jahvahaah Internationale: Riding in the treadmarks/trademarks of better dressed men.

* Because this is out first Jahvahaah Internationale Pro.Found™ cycling event, we thought it would be best to put together the Jahvahaah Internationale Multimedia Blogvertizationalizing Style Guide. This format should be followed for all future Pro.Found™ events.

Every ride begins with a macro focus image of an espresso with our team kit accoutrement in the background.

Depending on the location, we should have a photo of either a reclaimed chalkboard coffee shop menu or disapproving looks from redneck diner patrons. Both carry equal narrative weight.

Another photo of espresso, but focused on the team kit instead of the coffee. Shallow depth of field. Bonus points if the cyclist is reading a glossy magazine about cycling.

Photograph of the team looking intense while riding. Smiling is discouraged, because cycling is about suffering. If you have a Big Country, he will most likely fuck this up.

The cyclists should be photographed contemplating important things as a group. If possible, each cyclist should contemplate their individual important thing in a different physical direction than the other cyclists.

The cyclist should be photographed among nature, but the cyclist should be too tired to truly appreciate it.

Get a photo of something to show how rural it is where you are. Examples: broken down cars, misspelled signs, people missing teeth, etc

Stop to get a photo of “The Funny One” doing something light-hearted. This will humanize the subjects and show that even though you are all business, you’re not too cool for a little tomfoolery. You are in fact the perfect amount of cool for a little tomfoolery. In this example, The Possum acts out his favorite scene from American Beauty.

Waterbottle handup with an expensive team car. If you don’t have an expensive team car, ask a total stranger to pretend to hand you a bottle.

Look for backgrounds with texture. Look exhausted in front of them.

Make sure that at least one team member rides without a helmet during the climb. Helmets just get in the way of handsome.

All rides should end with photographs of cyclists drinking and/or sketching in a moleskin notebook. If the weather is shitty, you should be in a rocking chair. On a porch. With a hound dog.

Big Fonts

We like our rides like we like our fonts. Sans serif. If we have something to say, we will say it in Helvetica overlaid on a picture of us looking off into the distance, pretending that our photographer didn't just say, "Look off into the distance like you're thinking deeply about something!"

Blogvertisasionalizing

We look special, but we're just like you. A couple of cyclists who ride around with a professional stenographer in tow. And just like you, we want something for nothing. So if you're a "sponsor," we'll pretend we just discovered your product and love it. Hard and in public.

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