The 5 Secrets to Dating Somebody Who’s Had Sex Before

Unless you’re taking BarlowGirl’s stance on waiting till marriage (no dating until marriage), you’re probably going to date several people for various periods of time before you get married. Depending on how picky you are, some of those people you date may not be waiting till marriage like you are. This can become a source of conflict. Here are 5 tips on getting the most out of a relationship with somebody who’s had sex before.

#5 – Don’t Torture Them About Their Sexual History

How you feel

Sometimes the more you want a person, the more their sexual past bothers you. As the one who’s waiting for sex (doing the noble thing), the fact that your girlfriend/boyfriend has had sex before with one or more people may start to really piss you off. In a way, it feels like they cheated on you (and you can’t get it out of your head). Unfortunately for them, they didn’t cheat on you, but they get treated as if they did.

If you let all of your hurt, anger, and sense of injustice build up inside of you, you’re going to take it out on them whether you intend to or not. You’ll get moody when you start thinking about it. You’ll get irritable and won’t tell them what’s wrong. And maybe one day you’ll snap and call them a whore or accuse them of not taking sex seriously, etc.

Secretly, your anger won’t be satisfied until you’ve brought them around to your way of thinking and shamed them for the times they stepped away from it.

Why this poisons your relationship

They can’t help their past. In fact, they already feel self-conscious about it next to you. And beating them up about it will only have one of two results: they will either start defending their past, or your plan will work and they will feel really horrible about it. Neither of those are happy outcomes.

If they start defending their past, it’s going to push the two of you farther apart. Their sudden righteous anger will turn your virginity into something that you’re holding over their head; they’ll stop valuing it and respecting you for it as much.

On the other hand, if they start feeling guilty about their past, then they didn’t deserve the beating you gave them. They’re a person who really wants to make you happy and to be with you, and you will feel bad for hurting them over something they can’t control now.

How to defuse your anger

Say these words to them: “I’m sorry, the more I like you it just gets hard for me to think about your sexual past. It’s just been bothering me lately, but I’m working through it. I’m sorry for being so snippy.”

Approach the discussion as if this was completely your problem, not theirs…because it is. It’s something that you’re dealing with that is really no fault of their own. Keep that attitude and they’ll be able to help you through it and probably ease a lot of your concerns.

Keep them off the defensive. Give them a chance to help you through this. Afterall, they were probably expecting to have this conversation with you at some point.

#4 – Don’t Torture Yourself About Their Sexual History

What this feels like

Their sexual past is killing you. It’s like a million, torturous images keep flashing through your head, and your own imagination keeps inventing all new horrors for you. You keep picturing your girlfriend/boyfriend having sex with some other person — doing all of the things you’ve waited to do for so long with somebody else, as if it’s nothing — and it’s like knives through your heart. Jealousy, hurt, anger, wounded pride, injustice…all of those feelings are going to tear at you.

How to get over it

Think about breaking up with them. You’re broken up. They’re not around anymore. They’ve moved on and started dating somebody else. And now you’ve got only a faceless sea of everyone else to potentially date. Now, compared to the sexual history of everybody else, maybe theirs wasn’t so bad at all. But so much for that, because now they’re gone, and you’re faced with the prospect of dating somebody who was nowhere near as good as them and has a sexual history that is five times as bad.

That’s not what you want. After all, their past only bothers you because you want them. Next to them being gone from your life entirely, this stuff about their past isn’t really a big deal. Remember that.

Note that this point will become instantly and painfully clear when/if you actually do break up.

#3 – Don’t be Blind to Their Other Good Qualities

To some people who are waiting till marriage, the virginity-factor can be all-consuming when picking a boyfriend/girlfriend. Especially in the early stages of waiting till marriage, finding another virgin can be so important to you that once you compromise on it (i.e., by dating somebody who’s a non-virgin), it can become all you can see. You don’t see the person as a whole…you see the perfect wedding night/pure marriage you’ll never be able to have if you stay with them.

Try to see them apart from their history. How they treat you, who they are, and how much you enjoy them should be hugely important factors. Disregard them at your own peril. Some of those other qualities can be even more rare than virginity.

#2 – Be Grateful for Sexual Balance Factors (If Applicable)

What is a sexual balance factor?

OK, so your boyfriend/girlfriend is not a virgin. But given that the rest of the world is full of one night stands, casual sex, and “hook up culture”, maybe the fact that your girlfriend/boyfriend has only had sex with one other person in the context of a long term relationship (or whatever) isn’t so bad.

Next to you (the virgin), he/she is a complete whore. But next to the rest of the world, he/she is practically a virgin. Appreciate that. Appreciate that in the grand scheme of things, your girlfriend/boyfriend may be much closer to your sincere, genuine idea of sexuality than he/she is to those “other” people’s warped and soulless view of sex.

Maybe they had sex before with one person but only a couple of times. Maybe they have slept with a couple of people but only in committed relationships. Maybe they waited for a while but recently started having sex. Whatever it is, notice it and be grateful for it.

What to do if there are no sexual balance factors

Sexual balance factors aren’t always there. If you’re a virgin who regularly dates non-virgins, then you’re going to date people who have all kinds of sexual histories. Some may have balance factors, and some may be completely unbalanced with you (read: lots of torrid sexual history, compared to you).

Ultimately, you may be happiest with somebody who has a sexual history that is at least a little on the conservative side. But there are exceptions. There is such a thing as other factors out-weighing the sexual history factor (like the fact that they’re crazy about you and complete you in every other way…that does happen).

#1 – Stay Realistic About the Future

You can throw everything else on this list away if you don’t marry the person. It was all wasted worry. The sole purpose of pre-marriage relationships are personal growth and companionship. And very often, they are fun. Don’t blow what may end up just being some good fun by trying to take it too seriously too fast.

As a somebody who is waiting till marriage, you’ve got a lot of pressure on you to find “the one”, so you’re going to have a tendency to try to push every relationship that way. That’s when issues like those mentioned above are going to come into play.

If you keep your head cool and look at this relationship calmly and rationally, you will see that it may not last forever, even though you may want it to. One day, it will probably end. And then all of this stuff about sexual histories will seem kind of silly in retrospect. Or, on the other hand, you may see that this relationship is going to last (in all likelihood), in which case it becomes important for you to work through your concerns with your partner.

BONUS: Give them credit for waiting on you

If you’re dating somebody who’s accustomed to having sex in relationships, don’t forget the sacrifice they’re making to wait for you. That is not a small thing. They’re giving up something that they are extremely accustomed to because they like you so much. Don’t forget that.

Mike handles all of the programming and design work for WTM.org.
Although he still writes the occasional article,
he spends most of his time these days creating new site features and keeping everything organized.
Mike is web software developer by day, and is in school to become a psychologist.
In his free time Mike enjoys running, biking, and movies.

Been reading your articles and i’d say its been insightful and interesting! 😀 a thing or two though, would love to put in my following thoughts, i however dont mean it to be offensive, cause its just my thoughts!

anyawy, i personally feel you write in a manner which implie tht if a virgin whos waiting til marriage for sex is dating someone who happens to have had sex before, she/he should just suck it all up and be ok with it, cause in the grand scheme of things, they are gonna meet other ppl with worse sexual histories. i mean, HUH? haha.

like your advice in #4. i personally dont see how comparing your partner’s sexual history with the world out there is gonna make a person feel better. this is simply a temporary source of comfort. the thoughts are gonna keep surfacing. oh what did he/she do with those previous partners? etcetc. and this temporary source of comfort doesnt solve the bigger issue at hand: having a problem dating someone who hasn’t/isnt gonna wait til marriage. this is no longer a comparison of sexual histories or with others out there. its a matter of personal beliefs and values.

and whats not to say, that after breaking up with the partner, the person doesnt meet another just like them? ie: waiting for sex til marriage too. the world is vast and i’m sure there’re many others out there who are waiting til marriage for sex besides just those on this site!! 🙂

as hard as it is to maintain relationships in our modern world, i believe it is absolutely essential to find a partner who shares the same values on things that are important to you. thats just one facet of “compatibility” in a relationship. what’s the use of being with someone who ie, hasnt waited for sex til marriage, plans never to have children, is extremely religious when you are the complete opposite, waiting til marriage for sex, plans to have a huge brood of children, doesnt believe in religion etc? these are personal beliefs, habits and values that are very difficult to change, much less compromise on for alot of ppl.

on another note, different people have different tolerance thresholds when it comes to issues like these. i may be able to feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone who has 5 sexual partners before, whereas my friend who is like me, waiting til marriage for sex, feels extremely uncomfortable being with someone who has one sexual partner. like you said, comparing her partner to mine, she should feel a lot better that her partner only had sex once before. but why should she compromise her values, feel so miserable, think of all the things her bf has done before with another woman and basically settle for less? why should she hold in the misery and feel so uncomfortable when she can just leave him and wait til she finds the right one, ie:the one who waited, just like her?

haha, for me its pretty simple, if this value of waiting til marriage for sex is so strong, i dont see why you should shortchange yourself and be with someone who didnt wait. if your partner has a sexual history that makes you uncomfortable, i dont see why you should compare, feel miserable and suck it all up. what’s not to say the next person is gonna be exactly like you? a nice person who treats you well and has the same thoughts and values as you? i dont see why anyone should settle for anything less than what they know they want/deserve.

these are just my two cents though, from experiences i’ve observed in my own life and in others. i’m sorry for the length! and thanks for setting up this blog, it has been a great read:)

Thanks for your comment. I totally agree that, ideally, all of us waiters would only date other people who are waiting till marriage exactly like we are. But that can’t always happen. And not always for bad reasons. Sometimes you meet a non-waiter that you really like. Or sometimes you meet somebody who is also waiting, but not at the same level you are (like maybe they do other things that you don’t).

In either of those cases, you’re going to have to make a choice to either not date them, or date them and figure out a way to try and deal with their past for the duration of the relationship. If you decide to date them, then the above list becomes relevant.

If you do decide to date somebody, then waiting or not, their past is a silly reason to break up with them (unless it’s affecting the present). Now, having a difference in core values, or having different trajectories or incompatible goals & interests — those are very good reason to break up.

To me it comes down to thinking about the relationship long-term. And long-term, one of three outcomes is going to occur…

1. You have too many core differences, and will eventually break up. If this happens, then all that fighting and worrying you did about their sexual history is kind of wasted, and probably prevented you from fully enjoying the good aspects of the relationship.

2. You find that you have so much in common, you adore them, and you’re great together, so despite their past you end up marrying them. If this happens, you’re going to have to find a way to cope with their history.

3. You ignore too many of your differences and settle for them, leading to a bad, unsatisfying marriage.

I think #3 is what you’re talking about. If you were to “just get over” differences in core values, it could be disastrous. But that’s not what I’m advocating.

I’m advocating the “just get over it for now” approach for their sexual past itself, but not for the values implied by their sexual past. That is, just because you stop torturing yourself over how many partners they’ve had, doesn’t mean you totally sweep their attitude towards sex under the rug. Often, many other personality characteristics stem from their past behaviors. You still want to pay very close attention to those, and be watchful.

Relationships are great fun, and there are few things in life that grow you as much as a person. Ultimately, if you and your partner have too many core differences, the relationship is going to end on its own anyway. You might as well enjoy it and get the most out of it while you’re in it.

It’s important for you to be mindful of incompatibilities and factor them into your decisions about the relationship (e.g., “This is fun now, but should I move cross-country for him?”). But you don’t have to go looking for incompatibilities with a flamethrower. Just be aware, thoughtful, and realistic.

I don’t want us virgins to compromise our values in our choice of partners, but I do think that most of us could stand to lighten up about the sexual past factor a little when we’re dating somebody. One of the traps us waiters fall into is taking relationships way too seriously, way too soon, and I think that’s destructive, especially when we’re young. I mean, what else would you be doing this weekend?

Look, I say all this to explain my reasoning. Believe me, as a fellow virgin/waiter, I get where you’re coming from. I have tortured myself and girlfriends about sexual past in plenty of my relationships. But looking back, I really wish I hadn’t. It was such a waste. And there were so many good aspects to those relationships (and those girls) that I wish could have enjoyed more without being so hung-up. I’m convinced that all of those relationships would have ended anyway. But it would have made me a kinder person, and taken my stress level way down, while they lasted.

That’s where this list comes from. It comes from all of those relationships I had where I wish I’d followed the advice listed above.

Well, that and one more factor: It also comes from meeting a girl who wasn’t waiting, but was almost awesome enough to marry anyway. Those two experiences really shaped me. I realized when I met this girl that there were some qualities that were more important even that the virgin factor. Up until that girl, I didn’t think that was possible, but I was proven wrong.

Of course, when I meet a girl and find out she’s waiting too, it immediately gives her like 1,000,000 instant bonus points with me. It’s still a very over-riding factor, as it should be. :-p

Anyhow, thank very much for your great comment. I hope to hear more from you. You should go join the forums!

Me and this girl have been seeing eachother for a while now. I like her ALOT. When the text came telling me that she wasnt a virgin, the moment i read it i just froze up. I couldnt do anything, i just felt sick to my stomach. She never really had a boyfriend. So it was just a random? Its been 3 days now, I like her too much but its in the back of my mind all the time. I havent eaten, everyone i see says i look sick. My parents are asking about us. Ive been distant with all my friends. Shes the first girl i ever really liked, and i just feel so trapped and im not sure if this should bother me that much.

Calm down. Breath. I understand why this upsets you so much, but sooner or later you’re going to have to face the fact that many of the girls you date are not going to be virgins, unless you’re extremely picky. And if you really like this girl, then it’s worth figuring a way through this.

Let’s break down what you’re feeling right now…

1. Moral outrage/disgust – The fact that she’s had sex before marriage, and casually outside of a relationship goes against all of your deeply held values about the way people should conduct themselves, what is good, what is proper, and what is right.

2. Wounded pride – In effect, you just found out that your girlfriend is less yours. She physically has already given a big piece of herself to somebody else.

3. Betrayal – She was supposed to save herself for you, and she went and gave it up to some random dude.

4. Insecurity – Does she still think of the random dude? Is she satisfied with you? Won’t she want sex again?

5. Jealousy – If you were having sex with her, the fact that she’s had sex before would not bother you nearly as much. But right now she did something with somebody else that she’s not doing with you, and that stings like hell.

6. Love/Infatuation – If you weren’t so into her, this wouldn’t bother you as much. It’s because you are taking her and this relationship seriously that this gets you.

In general, it feels a lot like she cheated on you. And picturing her with that other guy, especially outside the context of a relationship, is tearing you to shreds. But the reality is probably pretty unremarkable. Some backseat hookup that meant nothing and felt even less. I know that’s sick to think about, but you’re going to date girls with a lot worse histories than that.

Do not make her feel worse about this than she already does, or you’re going to come out of this looking like an asshole. It’s OK that this bothers you, but it should not bother you as much as cutting off all contact and freaking out like somebody died.

You need to talk to her about this and let her explain the whole situation to you, including how she feels about it. And you need to forgive her. If you focus too much on this it will cost you the relationship and hurt both of you. Is it really worth that to you? Is that what you really want? For the relationship to end? I know you want her to see her history through the condemning filter that you see it through…want her to see her past as bad and wrong like you do…but at what cost?

If you really like this girl, see if you can work it out. And don’t make her feel too convicted. This is more your hang-up than hers, and in the long run you will kick yourself for any hurt you caused her over it. You have a chance to be the nice guy here, forgive her instantly for her past, and move forward enjoying your relationship.

All that said, if she’s the type of person who could let herself have sex for the first time casually, keep your sensors up. People can change, especially when they’re young. I’ve seen girls start out kind of destructive, and then get their act together and turn into spectacular heroes who abhor their earlier behavior and more than make up for it with their future strength. But I’ve also seen girls keep that little self-destructive piece of themselves and let it keep eating at their decisions their whole life. Watch and see which direction this girl goes in, and plan accordingly.

Wow, this was such a great read and I can really relate to it. Me and my boyfriend of 6 month just recently had a somewhat vague talk about our “sexual histories,” of which include mine being a virgin and him losing his virginity at the age of 15. I haven’t asked him how many girls he’s slept with, or whether they were one night stands or serious or what; I’m just too scared to hear about it. It just makes me feel really hurt, we love eachother and he says he wishes that he could change the past but he can’t. I hate all of these feelings that I am feeling and wish that they could be gone, and it makes me wonder, do I even have a chance of finding someone who hadn’t had sex? Should I go ahead and have sex so that I don’t have these feelings? I am so unsure 🙁 I value my virginity and treasure it, but at this point I feel like it is hurting more than making me feel good. And I feel like it will be even harder in the future. Any advice or insight? I would really appreciate it.

Fist off, do not have sex just to make the pain go away. That’s a horrible reason to throw away something you’ve valued greatly up until now. Don’t forget: You’ve wrapped a lot of your values and who you are around your decision to wait on sex. If you throw that away casually or for the wrong reasons, it will affect your development as a person. It will make you less. You will become a person who gives up on her values whenever they cause her pain. And that’s no way to be.

I know it hurts, but let’s take that option of the table for now.

Congrats, you have love! Mutually affectionate relationships are few and far between. It’s a wonderful thing that’s supposed to be a lot of fun, but naturally because you’re an idealist you take it too seriously and put too much pressure on it. That is what creates this pain you feel. As much as you can, you need to lighten up and enjoy him and the relationship for its own sake. Think in the present. Let the relationship go where it will on its own.

As long as you don’t change your core values for the other person, then the relationship will take a natural course to a natural end. Either he is very compatible with you naturally, and you will end up getting married, etc. Or he is not forever-compatible with you and you both will eventually go your separate ways.

But if you change your values now (by giving up your decision to wait), you risk achieving a kind of fake compatibility that prolongs the relationship past its natural end. As in, if you give up a piece of yourself to make the relationship last longer/be easier, then you weren’t actually compatible…you just gave up yourself to be compatible with him.

A truly compatible relationship involves plenty of growth and compromise, but what you’re talking about itsn’t growth or compromise; it’s self-destruction.

So again, stay strong and see where this goes. Talk to him about it. Get all the gory details on the table so you can stop filling in the blanks with your own terrible anti-fantasies about his history. As I said to Jezhr above, the reality is often refreshingly unremarkable. You have built-up his history in your head to involve all these worse-case scenarios. In reality it’s probably nothing like that, and finding that out from him can be very therapeutic.

In the mean time, enjoy! You have no reason to take this so seriously yet. You do not need to decide now whether he’s “the one”…that will become very evident in time. You do not need to be seeing other, more compatible people…you love him very much for now and he’s helping you grow. The more you can just enjoy his company now, the less the past will bother you.

Also, it will not be “even harder” in the future. It gets so, so much easier. It’s only the first couple relationships after you decide to wait that are hard. Then you get secure in your values, you build up some good muscles for dealing with the past, etc. And you worry less. So stick this one out and it will get better!

The love is the important part. Get as much out of that as you can, or you’ll regret missing out later.

I say this from personal experience. I look back at my first big relationship after I decided to wait and I think two things:

1. I’m glad I didn’t have sex with her.
2. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time freaking out about the sex issue and just enjoyed the fun parts while they lasted.

Great writing on all these issues, Mike. As a soon-to-be 30 year old virgin (and a devout Christian), I’m really having a hard time in these areas with my current girlfriend who is not a virgin. There is truth to all that you have mentioned.

You virgin keep your values; never give up…..Me and my girl friend who is not virgin and who i love more than any one else,we do talk about her past history and she feel so sad, she use to tell me, ” i wish i meet you before” but i always tell her “before is now” and some thing that can help is to know that you are not responsible to what happen to your friend………keep up your relationship and take care.bcoz love is stronger than believing in sex…and if you realy have find love, secure that one as in nowdays true love is rare to find…..

To those who have wated and even those who havent, im a die hard Christian who plans to wait but i have a friend whos like a brother to me who choose not to wait he and the girl are not together now and it makes me sad to think someone i use to like gave it up for a girl who in the end didnt care. when i first found out i didnt know how to react this guy was someone i use to really like! one way i came to terms with this was 1 Corinthians 13 it sais Love is always patient and kind. Love is patient yes he messed up but i need to be patient and kind to him and help lift him up in Christ. True i probablly wont ever love him like that again but hes still my friend and brother in Christ and im willing to forgive.

Ok i really need some help i have to do a project on sexual abstince i have to cover both sides peole who wait and peole who dont i cant find anything on the internet for peole who dont and the only people i know in real life who haveent are too ashamed to talk about it. I refuse to have sex before marrige if that means i have to wait till im 80 so i cant help myself i dont know what to do!!!

I found this article extremely helpful. My situation is a little different, I am not a virgin now. Although I didn’t want to wait until marriage, I wanted to wait until I was in love. Recently, the man I am in love with (and of course my first) divulged to me that he has had sex with 6 other people before me….and it has been tormenting me exactly as you described ever since. Its ALL I can think about! I have brought it up with him, but really felt no resolution. I waited for him….and I wish so much he waited for me. However, now this has helped me realize that my being uncomfortable with it is okay….and I really can work past it, and not hurt him in the process. Im really happy I stumbled upon this on my google search.

Also Michelle, I can talk to you about the not-waiting part if you want. Im not ashamed at all. I waited my due time for love, which I felt was the most important thing for ME. I couldn’t be happier. Even if we broke up down the road, I’d still be perfectly happy with my decision. I think sex should be reserved for someone special, who you love and thats the most important thing. I completely understand that on waitingtillmarraige.com this will not be the popular viewpoint. haha

I feel like this was directed right at me. I went through this trouble for the first year me and my boyfriend were dating. Thankfully, I pushed through and everything is much better now. But it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who has had this problem.

I am a Biology AA grad student and Im 21 years old. I’m currently seeing someone, we met last year inmay and started dating in september. I ama virging and he is not, he is very caring and came through for me and respect that fact that he is my first boyfriend. Setime I feel like we will last and other times I feel not. HE has never been with a virgin before and its hard for him. Because of his character and good heart I have givng him a chance in my life. At times he said he wish he waited because before he met me he fell weak with a promiscous women and unfortunatelygot her pregnant, his daughter will be 5 this year.We kiss,cuddle touch each other but never intercourse.People make mistakes and were not perfect Roman3:23 explainso thats why I gave hime a chance. I pray God keep him strong to walk this journey with me.

This really helped me, and I will reread this to help me with my situation. I am working on accepting what happened, and forgiving that he didn’t tell me for so long. Everything in this article rang true with me, and I thank you for your advice

You posted earlier that it might help to get all the gory details of a bf’s sexual past. I don’t quite understand how this would help because I feel that the more details I know the clearer those horrible images would be. It already made me depressed finding out he wasn’t a virgin… Is this method like just getting a one-time dose of nasty medicine vs. having to take the same amount of medicine over an extended amount of time? Would it really help me to get past the pain quicker?

My point there was to say that often, the reality is much more mundane than you’ve blown it up to be in your head. If you’ve developed so much anxiety about the issue that you’re being crushed by the shear weight of your over-inflated worry, then sometimes finding out the facts can be like popping your anxiety balloon.

Of course, it could also be worse than you were thinking. It’s a gamble. I’ve had it go both ways.

Here’s an example: Let’s say you’ve spent the last two months obsessing over your boyfriend’s sexual past with his ex. You’re imagining every horrible, pornographic scene over and over again, torturing yourself like John Cusack in High Fidelity.

You often forget that you’re creating all of those scenes from your masochistic imagination, not so much from fact. Sometimes it’s incredibly calming and productive to just face the facts so you stop inventing them yourself.

Tangent: This is why they teach people with lots of debt to first tally the debt and really figure out where they stand. So instead of wavering between “My debt is horrible and inescapable.” and “My debt is bad but I can probably buy this TV.” you think “I have exactly $8,352.02 worth of debt.” or whatever.

Anyway, back to your story. So you’re freaking out and obsessing over you’re boyfriend’s past, inventing all those horrible scenes. In your mind, you picture him having sex with his ex hundreds of times, in every possible position. And it’s always, always very satisfying and memorable and passionate.

So one day you can’t take it anymore, and you confront him. You say “I just can’t get over the hundreds of crazy sex sessions you had with your ex.” And he looks at you dumbfounded and says “Um. What? We had sex like a total of 4 times. The first time was a little awkward. And the last time we were drunk and stopped half way through.”

Suddenly, all of those dark, painful fantasies you created to torture yourself with collapse into the plain, boring reality, and you feel retarded for making such a big deal out of it.

That’s the best case, and I’ve had that happen to me. That’s more what I meant. Does that explain the point better?

thank you for this. i had thought of them myself, except for #5. Certainly, torturing them about it will leave us worse. With my own love, i’ve realised how terrible she feels about it.. she wishes she could change it and regrets it. I just wanted to ask.. should i ask her more about it, and should we talk about it? The very fact that someone else pleasured her, or even fondled her they way i feel i am meant to.. tears me apart every time.
It kills me, and we don’t have much time together either: my family is diplomatic and i am to leave this summer. But i am very much in love, and very eager to see past this. So thank you for it. Though i feel more and more regret over the fact that i did not instigate a relationship earlier, because i had known her before her first boyfriend.. i have no choice but to get over it, or push it aside. Time is cruel in this way.

Thank you for all of this information and debate, I have suffered for near on 3 years now and had a real tough time of it. I am a stocky strong willed chap but this has reduced my confidence to putty !!Needless to say I have trolled the internet for advise and help but all that you find are basically articles/advise giving justification for encouraging promiscuity, Horrble,,,, This article,the one simular by you Mike July 2011 and the article by Jennifer (please be my therapist ha ha) are fantastic it has helped me so much I cannot thank you enough. Just a few personal oddities and I am cured lol.
Once again Thank you all.

Thanks for this article. I thought I was alone with the jealousy problem and its good to know im not the only one, although I would not wish it on anyone. My main problem is with images of her in my head with someone else, how on earth do I get them out? Its like a horrific porno with my girlfriend in it. I try changing the channel in my head, like on a TV. This works to a degree but the images come back eventually. I love and respect my girlfriend and want to be with her forever. Its just a pity this jealousy taints what is a loving relationship. I have not told her about this problem and I don’t think I will ever tell her. And I fully accept it is MY problem as it is something in her past that she can not control any more. We have been dating for nearly a year and not had sex, we are waiting for marriage. She has had sex in the past but I am one of those rare men who is waiting for the marriage night.

Hi, i’m a virgin and proud! But it’s good to keep in mind that not everyone that is waiting is religious, I certainly am not. I am dating a nonwaiter and it’s getting really tricky going on three years but thank you for this article. Very important part to me was the not blaming them for their past because they cannot change it, and to stop thinking about it.

I disagree with #1 under “Why This Can Poison Your Relationship” you say “They can’t help their past. In fact, they already feel self-conscious about it next to you.”, This is crap, we are a logical, self thinking species. I feel that people SHOULD be punished for stupid choices. Especially teenagers having sex. At 14, 15, 16, I KNEW the difference between right and wrong and KNEW that sex at that age was NOT smart. I’m sorry, but people that make STUPID choices NEED to hear it. And I think legality should play a role in it. Something like if a 16 year old is having sex, then I think juvenile hall is a GREAT idea. Girls need to learn to keep their damn legs shut so the one person that does love them in the future won’t have to be tortured by “visions” of a SLUTTY, WHOREISH sexual history. It’s BS what the good people have to put up with. So yes, a little mental torture is NEEDED for the partner that “SCREWED” up…

Though ur anwers had helped me alot and i appreciate it…. please do help me with this one…

my girlfriend is not a virgin , but wenevr we go for our love moments to begin … oll her past flashes in front of me… the way she wanted to love me now … she had olredy loved someone else… it just brings med worlds most bad feelin i could ever have …. help me out with it… how to overcome?.

This helped me a little bit but Im still really frickin hurt. I have a fiance and we’ve been together for 9 months and we’re actually getting married today. I love him sooo much, Ive never felt this way about anyone. And hes the only guy Ive ever slept with and Im 6 weeks pregnant right now. Hes 21 and Im 18. He’s only had sex four times before me. He lost his virginity when he was 18 with a girl he barely knew at a party, and the second girl was a girl he was with in a actual relationship and they did it like 3 times. I HATE thinking about this but I do it all the time, and I HATE thinking that he could’ve had kids with these girls. It just kills me thinking about all this. Ive talked to him about this alot. He says he regrets all of it so much and he wishes he could change the past but he cant. And he wishes I was his first..etc. Hes even cried about it, and said he hates himself for it. It helped me a little bit but I still feel like shit. I just don’t know what to do, it hurts soo much 🙁 And I get so disgusted and I really just wanna treat him bad cause Im so pissed and hurt about it. But I still love him so much. I HATE this. I HATE it so much. I need help 🙁

So, she’s not a virgin and you are? No, don’t do it. She’s used, and her purity is tainted by another guy. Can you believe having sex with a girl who’s done everything possible with another guy? Maybe more than one guy She’s dirty and basically garbage. No offense, but you’re a man and you should take the virginity of a girl, not the other way around.

@Ben Dover: Look, if you don’t want to marry someone who isn’t a virgin, that’s your decision. If virginity is so important to you, that’s fine. But to call a woman “dirty” and say that she is “basically garbage” because she’s had sex before is disgusting! It sounds to me like you don’t show women a lot of respect, and you think a woman only has value if she is a virgin. That’s so misogynistic, I don’t even know where to begin.

She is a good liar ,she lost her virginity at 15 now she is of 23 ,from that time till now she had 4/5 boy friends may be no is more than she told me , she had sexual relationship with a guy from last 5 years and he used her in all manner and denied to marry , she told this last morning from that moment I feels like a victim , I want to cry ,she told me this when I went serious ,my mind give me images that I don’t want to see ,I want to weep actually am a too sensitive boy & she knows it ,she pick me because am more attractive & talented than her previous one ,she waited for the moment when am going too serious ,my mind stuck ,my heart is in pain , please help me what should I do ??????

I am not a virgin; my boyfriend is…we have been together for three years. I had sex once. He can’t seem to get over the fact that I am not a virgin and I feel like he judges me. We nearly broke up once because it hurt so much him asking “Didn’t you value yourself?”

I shut down after moments like these because I already have to deal with the pain that I feel from having compromised the relationship I will have with my future husband.

Yes being a virgin is great but it does not make you any better than anyone else and I am sick and tired of people especially christian people making it seem as if persons who are not virgins are the worst people in the world.

I just want him to accept me or leave me alone…I have told him this before but he is not letting go. Says it’s jealousy and he is sorry but I can’t live with the thought that someday he may call me a “whore”. I tell him all the time I am not his ideal and he should find someone else who is.

I am tired…he is trying but in my heart I feel as if the feelings are still there that I should let him go…I do love him dearly but is it worth the pain…I don’t think so.

*Yes you are write TK & I appreciate it , she also said you are trying to judge me , actually I love her a lot but every time when am with her she released a new mystery & again m feeling pain ,I accept her at all , I respect her values but I feels like am going wrong because she want to marry a good guy like me & sex with lot of guys , I said forget all your past but she is still in past & also in present trying to make new bonds with other guys including me ,what is it ,Is it Love ,Loyalty or everything is fake , why she is doing like this i don’t know ,am feeling pain something deep inside me , she is only keen to new attractive things &
money i know all things but accept her but now here is tears in eyes during typing ,my first Love hurt too much ,,Please i need all of your help ,what should i have to do now ???

The most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after about 5 years, and wondering where the love went.

It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that may fade, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things.
1. To accept everything that you know and do not know about her now.
2. To accept her regardless of what happens in the unknown future as you both age – for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if she is disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, you accept her.
3. To forgive her later. Since neither of you is perfect, you both depend on each others’ forgiveness.
4. To encourage her to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship – otherwise it will get boring.

If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other. After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that you subsequently have sexual intercourse, you reinforce your promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying experience.

If you have sexual intercourse before making your promises, then you show her that you are capable of justifying forsaking her for a younger, shapelier rival when she gets older. If you are able to restrain yourself when your attraction for her is at its highest, then you show her that you are capable of resisting the rival that will inevitably come.

Source: Attraction is a feeling. Love is a Promise. by Grenville Phillips, president of Walbrent College. (LoveIsAPromise.wordpress.com)

*Thanks Jeff , all you said are 100%true but for me it’s not , peolpe will treat you according to their needs am not saying about all the girls , my gf only wants to fullfil her dreams ,desires & all the things ,she promised me she will forget her past but still she is in contact with previous boy , I love her alot but now it’s giving me pain in all the way ,I told her if she want to go with him she can but she planed for her future how clever girl she is ,she wants to a Doctor for her future & relationship with someone else .
*You are right Jeff Love & attraction are different things , she is only attracted to me not in Love with me but the thing is I love her from my bottom of heart but she & her sisters are trapped me ,they all trapped me ,they only waiting for me when am going to serious.
*After so many years there was tears in my eyes the only thing of regret is she played with my feeling cos am a boy of promises & feelings .
*Now i decided am never going for a relationship ,she know all the things but there is not a single line of guilt on her face .
*I don’t want to abuse my Love but it hurts me alot but now I want take breath in free air .
*I only want to request all the people never play with someone’s feelings cos it hurts too much .
* Take care everyone, bye…!!

My boyfriend had sex with his ex with a total of 3 times.. he said that was 10 years ago and he said that it was a mistake, and he hoped he met me earlier. However i cant stop thinking about it and it hurts me so much whenever i start to think about it. Help?

Hey Mike,
Thank you for your insights and although it seems to help I have something maybe you can personally help me with. I was in an 8 year relationship (from high school) we got married and so on. We lost our virginity to each other and I always felt uncomfortable with other girls because they weren’t. Me and her split up and now I’m in a relationship and we agree on everything, we have the same interests and we get along perfect. It just bothers me because she has a pretty bad past. She has slept with like 20 people and it REALLY bothers me and makes me angry/sad/jealous. I don’t know how to cope with it. Do I tell her straight out how it makes me feel? She knows a little bit but not exactly how I feel.

Last night my girlfriend told me that she has had sex before and it has been really disturbing me on the inside. I told her that I have never even kissed someone. I asked her if that changed how she sees me. I know I’m just paranoid but I asked her out on a date and I feel like it might end badly. I really like this person and I don’t want to lose them. I could use some help.

Remember: You really like this person and you don’t want to lose them. Above all, that’s your answer. That’s what matters. In conversation, downplay both histories. Don’t bring up her past (as if you didn’t mind at all), and joke-away your own lack of history. Put her at ease about the idea of entering a potentially-physical relationship with you. You don’t want her to be feel like she’s puncturing some deep innocence by kissing you. You want it to feel normal and exciting for both of you.

The fact that you’ve never kissed anybody should be incidental. More important is the fact that you really, really want to kiss her.

If you like her, then don’t worry about it ending badly. Follow your likes. They’re rare and they often lead to great experiences (even if they end).

This article really helped me alot. My boyfriend and I have been together over a year we actually own a house together but I never knew how many people he’s actually slept with so I decided to ask him tonight. First you must know I’m not a virgin and neither is he but he’s a very shy laid back guy he is 24 and never in my mind did I think that he’s ever had a one night stand or has slept with someone he had not been in a relationship with. Well to tonight I asked him and he was hesitant to tell me but eventually said 6 people. Soo this honestly blew me away because he only had 2 serious relationships before me. So I asked who the girls were and for some reason he won’t tell me. He’s a very private guy but I can’t believe he won’t tell me. After all we do everything together, he said he’s ashamed and I cannot get out of my head that he has been with 6 girls after all this time I thought there was only 2 before me.. It’s not like I’ve lost my Virginity to him but I’m so jealous that he’s been with that many. I could never picture that because he’s so quiet and he’s not the type I guy for a one night stand and when I ask him questions about it he completely avoids the subject. I’m stressing out though..

Hi mike and everyone else need your guys help , I come from a strong rooted born again christain family , in fact I am born again also , when I was 17 I did something stupid I hate that I did it I had sex with my girlfriend at the time it was both our 1st time in fact we did it about a total of 4 times , that all I remember coz I was just 17 at the time just a dumb kid, we are long time over now , I’m currently 27 and haven’t had sex since is it wrong for me to want to get married to a woman that kept herself I’m scared I won’t coz its what I really want , would love to have the womens take on this

I’m not sure who to turn to, so I thought perhaps I’d try here. I came across this website while looking for general advice and found so many great and helpful things, but feel I need more specific help.

I grew up in a great Christian home, and have continued to follow that faith and carry it as my own now. I’m 26, and have made plenty of mistakes despite trying to be a good person. My Sophomore year in college I gave my virginity to a boy I was truly in love with (and then he really destroyed part of me a couple years later), and in the years following discovered I did so because of low self-esteem and because I thought he would love me more. Completely stupid, I know, especially when I consider how analytical I am in a thousand other ways. I recovered what I could, only to fall into the same trap of insecurity and love-neediness again in my early 20s. I thought perhaps it would be different that time. It wasn’t.

That relationship ended more than 1.5 years ago. Shortly after that, I was diagnosed with a rare condition at 24 and went through more tests, medication and darkness than I’d wish on anyone. Perhaps for the first time I found who I was, and determined not to give in to personal insecurities, as they only further destroy what you try so desperately to hold on to. All my selfish pride had no place to hide because my mind was no longer allowed to cope the way it had been for so many years. By the grace of God I am in such a better place than before I was sick.

I cannot express the guilt I carry for giving myself away so foolishly. After realizing what is important (and it’s not having sex so someone will love you more, or so that you can feel better about yourself), I decided to re-wait until marriage. Holding on to what you believe is right in your youth becomes so much more right the more fully you realize why you should hold on to it. And losing it has the opposite effect. It is awful.

That is all pre-the most wonderful man I’ve ever met in my life. I met him toward the end of being sick, and he has seen a few of my bad days, but increasingly good ones. 🙂 He is the most special person I have known, and I know he loves me dearly. He is my sunshine, and the one I have always prayed for, needed, and wanted to hold every day for the rest of my days. I want to be everything I can for him. He says the same to me, and I know that he is my one. We have plans to be married, and have discussed everything from where we’ll live, where we’ll bank, and how to fit everything we both have into one household (it may include building more closets. 😉 Hehe.)

He’s 30 and a virgin. He’s told me he’s done just about everything short of intercourse. But he cannot handle that I’m not a virgin. He said he didn’t know what the problem was exactly. So I found every article on this site related to that topic, and a couple from other sources, and shared them all with him. He’s read quite a few, and told me it’s primarily jealousy. We’ve had quite a few conversations about it, and each one brings up another feeling for either him or me, ending with resolve to be together and make it work. I’ve already gone through immense guilt, and then I was extremely angry – not only at myself, but the past 2 partners. Angry that they ‘tricked’ me, even though I know it was my decision too. I’ve worked through that anger, and all is forgiven on my part toward them, and I pray that it is for all the partners they’ve had/will have. I don’t keep up with them, nor do I think about them or have any residual feelings. Just the guilt remains.

For him, I think it’s jealousy and now anger. I’m not sure what the anger is specifically about, however. Here’s my ultimate fear – he does not want to be married/engaged until this issue is behind us. Rightly so, as I don’t want that in our marriage either. Only, I am terrified it will cease to be an issue. I’ve read people’s stories here who have been married years and it still creeps up. He has told me that to imagine life without being together is awful, and he can’t bear to have that happen. Yet, this is still a big problem in our relationship. I have shared EVERYTHING I can that I think will help, about how guilty I feel, about how much I have changed as a person, about how regretful I am, that I so wish I could take back everything and give all to him one day. I have never given my whole heart, but he has mine. He had all of it before I even knew it was all his. I have told him that many times, and it seems to help. Only, a week later the jealousy or anger are still there. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t even kiss him on the cheek without him thinking how often I’ve done that with another guy.

I am absolutely sick to think about losing him. I cannot imagine it. What is worse is that it is my doing, my foolishness from years ago that have undone the present. My questions are what can I do to help this? Can this be helped? Is it possible that it will never be fixed? What should I do or say or not do or say? When is the point at which he or I should leave? What, ultimately, is the real issue he is dealing with? Any other advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading this giant post. 🙂

Hi everyone and Mike,
I was brought up in a strict Christian environment and I waited till I got married. I was 30, she was 28. We were both virgins and our love-sex life is good. I cant compare as I dont have any other experiences. Waiting until marriage was not a choice I took, but it was the social setup and upbringing. I am 33 now and as I look back, I would most likely not remain a virgin. I came to the US when I was 22 and I get enough stories from friends and coworkers about their rich sex life. I know so many who had sex with their coworkers and innumerable one night stands and short flings. As a guy, I feel I am living a super boring life to have had sex soo late in life and with only 1 woman. I am dying to go have some women or one night stands even if it means risking my marriage. I cannot come to terms with the fact that I will see only 1 woman for the rest of my life when almost every coworker I know of has had sex with 20-50+ people. I want to go see a sex therapist cause I dont seem to find a solution.
Any advice would be helpful and your article is bang on target. When I dated I always asked sexual history, cause I was a virgin and expected the same.

Hi JoBeth,
I read your post very intently and I have kindof gone through the situation he has been. It is very tough for him, no doubt, since he’s thinking of all the chances or women he could’ve had, and now he has to settle with you compromising all that. Here’s something I can tell. If you both really love, honor and cherish each other and vow to be loyal till death do us apart, then you have a promising marriage. I want to tell him that there is Nothing, and I mean nothing, scientifically or spiritually that anybody or anything can do to change his or your past. What matters is now, the Present. He could have been in your shoes and you in his and how would he feel about it if his partner hates him for his past. He needs to analyze that and both of you need to commit to one another in body, mind and soul. I feel it odd to be giving advice when I am fighting my own demons, but I hope this brings you hope. Besides having 2-3 guys is a very low number for US standards and hopefully he should be glad about that and rest his issues.

My situation is that I’m head over heels in love with “Jack” and even though he’s not a virgin, I can handle that. The one thing I can’t get over more is the fact that he and my ex-best friend “Sally” gave each other their virginity. I don’t talk to Sally anymore but for some reason it disturbs me that the one guy I’m so in love with and can picture myself having a family with, happens to be the one guy that became intimate with my childhood best friend (we were like sisters).

I’m trying to not think about it so much but in the end when he kisses me, I can imagine him kissing her. I get all wrapped up in jealous that when he say he loves me and wants to be with me, he probably has said all those things to her. Why am I so upset about it? I know I can’t change it… I’m thinking IF I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, then I won’t hold his past against him but at the same time I DON’T WANT TO COMPROMISE my values of also being someone’s first and only.

Jack has had a handful of partners and lost his virginity in high school. I understand that he was brought up in a rough upbringing blah blah but it’s just the being intimate with my best friend who I still consider (even though she and I are no longer on speaking terms)a sister?

Will I ever get over this? I understand as we get older we can’t get too picky but at the same time where does compromise and valuing oneself come in?

I am a 22 year old female virgin as well. I have talked to a few guys but none that I have felt serious enough to be in a relationship with. The only one I felt like I could be in a serious relationship with was my long time friend. We went to high school and college together. We never dated but we began talking recently and I believe we have feelings for each other. He at first was waiting for marriage to have sex. Recently I found out he had sex one time with an older woman. He says it wasn’t what he expected but I didn’t want to hear about it. I felt sad, pissed, and dissappointed. I had begun to look forward to us sharing that experience together, now that he already had sex, I don’t know how to feel and have been sort of cold towards him. How can I cope with this?

I was a virgin for 30 yrs and expected a virgin. I think we are a rare breed and should look for a similar rare breed. Its just plain unfair for a virgin to marry a partner who’s been around the block.

I can relate to all these stories and at first I thought I was the only one going through this, but now I know I am not alone. IN my case I am a widower and my wife was not a virgin when I met her. I was, so it bothered me so much for many years until I realized or I made myself realize that sex is just like a hand shade. Nothing is actually taken away.But occasionally I felt that pain of jealousy cause I thought she should have been first mine. Anyway she loved me and I loved her. Well after 22 years of marriage she passed away and now I have to start all over.
Recently I met a young lady with a child and I thought i could love her child. So we talked about previous relationships and she confessed to me that she had sex with only two guys and I felt I could move on with that but then i found out that she actually had six guys and not only two. This made me feel betrayed and the problems started there. Since I felt I loved her, jealousy stepped in. I really feel I can do better than that but I am confused. By the way, she is 22 and I am 44. She cries about it because she says she loves me and she has changed but i just don’t believe her so much. She is so hot it bed and I wonder if she won’t have other affairs while with me. Or even in the future since I will be 60 when she will just be 40. Most people advice me not to continue with her because of age range. i don’t know. I like her a lot otherwise. She is beautiful and sexy. She assures me that I have been the best sex for her but I don’t believe her. Any advice for me?

Mike your article helped me calm down about the fact that my girlfriend had sex already. But I still have one concern, I feel like once I marry this girl that it will only be special for me and not so much for her. It enrages me thinking about this cause I feel like it could end up coming true. But she is perfect in ever other way, and I haven’t confronted her with the way that I feel about this. So please if you have any tips for me to help get over this I’d appreciate any help that you can give.

I’ve only been with one person, we were together for years, planned on getting married, settling down, raising a family, we were both virgins, or so I thought, not really sure if she was anymore, but anyways, near the end of the relationship we began to have sex, ugh I hate that word, it’s far to common and.. well to me, it just sounds cheap. we never did end up getting married, and thankfully, she never got pregnant.

That was years ago now, I’ve pretty much been alone since, I skim read a lot of what you said, but as much as I don’t want to be alone, I cant be with someone who has already given themselves to another. which pretty much these days seems to be at least 95% of the entire adult population, and is becoming more and more common with teens. 95% that’s my guestimate, give or take a few percent.

Anyways, now that I’m no longer a virgin myself, I know I don’t deserve to be with one, so yeah, that’s even.. hmm more difficult. but still, its nice to know, there are still a few who wait..

He use to make me feel like an angel before i told him my sexual past. I love him so much but i was so afraid he would leave me because of it. I was afraid id leave him because of the way he was treating me. Iv been in horrible relationships and hes the love ove my life. Since he has read this and sees hes not the only peron going through this he said hes going to show me more respect as his girlfriend and not someone elses ex. I think everything will work out. Maybe not as quickly as id hope bit we are serious about each other. Dont let something like this tear one of the best relationships apart.

So I feel the same way as a lot of you. My girlfriend had sex with two guys before me. One was a relationship, which doesn’t aggravate me at all, because they cared for each other. But she lost her virginity to a random british guy who was at a party she went to. She has told me everything she did with these guys and I hate it. Honesty is good, but there are details I do not want to know, she has done everything before, so I am just old news. I like her, but I wish I chose someone who had higher standards and didn’t have sex with the first guy to ever give her any attention. I am her third partner in less than a year of her losing it, and I just think of her as easy and willing to sleep with anyone because she is insecure about herself. We dated for four months before having sex, so I got to know her first. However, I just am mad that she doesn’t seem to care at all about virginity and took that from me. I wish I lost mine to another virgin and I regret it. We have a good relationship, but I think the only way I will get over this is if I move on to a new relationship so my virginity doesn’t create inequality. But I cant do this unless I break up with her first. Oh well, most of the time I dont even worry about this, its just when I haven’t seen her in a week or when I am already a bit pissed about something else.

me again, Kinda forgot why Im here lol…. well after reading all the new commnets yeah…

to @anon, stay with her, you lost it to her, so, ya know, unless you don’t like her anymore… and not just for the virginity fact, I mean even you slept with her so… I get what you are saying but, you already slept with her, are you a virigin now? no, is she? no, the point is, if you stay together and be faithful…

*sigh*

this is how the world is, like it or not, (I don’t) lol but anyways, I am a Christian, and also…. hmmmm… well if you break up with her, you’ll just end up sleeping with another, which, o well… she did, why shouldn’t you? but your not with her anymore? so… hmmm… again… heh hmmmm… to me personally, I can handle being alone… pretty much..

jealousy is an ugly beast (I think that is the saying) but for me, well it stands true but… I would rather be alone…

My woman had a past before me and I’d held myself for her. She couldn’t do the same for me, so it crushed me.
Nothing eases the pain so I’m just waiting out the rest of my time in hope that I don’t live past forty.

Dear Mike,
Me and my girlfriend are in love and I have loved her for a long time. We have been best friends for a while and a year ago, I. Started to really like her. We ended up hooking up but not anything big or serious. She had feelings for me but for some reason or another, she wasn’t able to commit at that time. She met a guy in the grade ahead of us and they looked really good together and she ended up losing her virginity to him and staying with him for six months. After they broke up, we became best friends again and she told me she liked me a lot. I had never gotten over her, so we dated. A week into the relationship we truely started falling in love and i havent regretted anything with her, she told me she never ended up liking him as much as me, but she just thought things were too far gone to ever get me back. She’s my best friend and I love her but I just can’t shake the thought of her with this other guy and how, if she had dated me then, she would have to one to compare me to when we made love. Ive tried to bring this up before but it was a bad time for both of us and I don’t want to bring up something like this, especially if she regrets it. What do I do to stop thinking about her previous relationship?

I recently found this site and it describes in many articles, picture perfectly the way I am feeling regarding certain situations! However I am having difficulty trying to rationalize my emotions regarding my partner becoming non-virgin due to an incident that occurred during our relationship rather than prior to it.

My partner (my fiance now) and I have been together for 5 years since high school. We have the utmost love and respect for each other, share very closely held values, and are best friends. We share a lot emotionally and physically but certain things, we decided, would be kept sacred for after marriage. However, a year and a half ago (before becoming engaged), we were going through a rough patch in our relationship while he was away for the summer, and devastated with the emotions etc., he had a one night stand.

I loved him so much I didn’t end it there. We have talked much about the situation and I know how terrible and ashamed he feels about it and know that he feels he will never do anything like that again. Yet even after over one year since the incident, I still find myself feeling angry and jealous that it was supposed to be something special between us (the first for both of us) and feel as if there is no point in me waiting anymore.

We knew we were going to get married for many years before- however I do not want this past incident to affect our marriage in terms of comparing myself against this woman. I don’t feel like making love will be as beautiful and pure for us mutually. I would greatly appreciate any advice you have on learning to forgive my partner, love him for who he is now, and continue to uphold my values of waiting until marriage.

ive been dating the same guy for almost 3 years now. im postive i can say i took our relationship too seriously early . and he has too. ive always waited for the right guy to show up in my life and i literally thought it was him. he was my first , but i was his 5th girl he had sex with and honesty that cuts me real deep . i cant ever stop thinking about what hes done or felt with these girls. and with some of them there was just no strings attacted . he lost his virginity at a party with a girl he coudnt even remember the name . in 2 years into our relationship i found out he was writing his ex and.. well they both confessed theyre feelings and that he missed having sex with her .. when i found that i was just broken because i gave him everything i could and it just wast good enough. since then theres just been huge ups and downs . i cant stop bringing up what happen, with his past , how he felt with her , and everything . honestly i feel more miserable , with all these thoughts i cant help it. i dont feel like he’s my one anymore and reading this help sort it out . im just one of those who fell into a trap . i dont feel we’re compatible because his values were much different and how he just went behind my back . i was always committed to him . now hes trying to prove himself and he says he regrets everything hes done . i caught him many times doing no good, when i was alseep he would watch porn right next to me ?! and i caught that he recorded two girls butts as they walked on a sidewalk . i cant trust him at all , and i know sometimes someone needs that push to become a better person to do right , and change if they truly want a committed relationship. but i feel like i gave him too much chances he seems so much better now but i CANNOT put my gaurd down . i cannot forget nor forgive. and i cant stop thinking about the girls he had sex with . and it wont ever leave my mind . i love hom but .. so much happen and i cant change on how i feel now . i feel too insecure with myself. , him and our relationship . and if he is still messing around with other girls . i cant see a future with him anymore other than picturing he will betray me again. any advice? 🙁
im very paranoid , i have overwhelming thoughts and dreams of him . i try discussing it with him but he doesnt change the way i feel.

Wow. Love this article and all entries. Really, helped me , best one I’ve read, and I don’t need to look anymore. I’ll share my story soon, and also comment on some others. Be strong everyone. Love and forgive.

@Mike – You forget, by the time you get married, she’ll have waited years with you. That time off will make it extra special for her, and the feelings that drive her to wait with you add plenty of specialness on their own. For her, it’ll be special because she waited years with you, and because it’s you — the guy she was willing to wait years on.

Also, the statistical benefits of waiting (higher satisfaction, etc) apply even if she wasn’t waiting her whole life. It’s the context of your relationship that matters. And in that context, she’s waiting too.

@Brent – If you’re mainly hung up on the “Am I as good as the other guy?” comparison issue, try increasing your confidence about how good YOU are. Instead of churning endlessly comparing your current self to the other guy, improve yourself (as it relates to her). Find new ways to make her happy, inside the bedroom and out. Put a little thought into it, and you’ll likely be doing more than he did. And you’ll prove to yourself in the process that you have the ability to make her happy, which will stop you from worrying about it so much.

Plus, she’s with you now, not him. Remember that, because it counts for a lot. The present is everything. You have all the opportunity in the world right now, and his time has come and gone.

@Rebecca – One night stands are typically awkward, drunken, over fast, and extremely underwhelming. That goes triple if it was his first time. Believe me, you won’t have much trouble topping that experience. It’s a very low bar.

Going forward, you have have to make a choice: between the anger/shame surrounding this – and him. You can choose all of the hurt, or you can choose him. You can’t take both into your future.

I can totally understand how each day you keep waiting, it reinforces your frustration and anger at him for breaking his half of the bargain while you continue to keep yours. You can’t have your original waiter’s fantasy with him now. That’s dead. But you can build a new one. You have to change the way you think about waiting, and waiting with him. He’s not matching you V-Card for V-Card anymore, but he DOES have a shorter sexual history than 95% of the other guys you would potentially date in his place. And he still wants to wait with you, even if that takes years. And, technically, the benefits of waiting will still apply to your marriage despite this incident. That’s something.

But all of that is moot if your lingering sense of betrayal (and his lingering shame) is going to continue to poison your relationship.

Ask yourself: Is the anger you feel towards him over this so severe that you think you’d be happier with somebody else? It’s OK if this is unforgivable. But what you’re doing now is getting trapped in deciding whether or not it’s forgivable. Eventually, you need to land one on side of the fence, or you’re going to keep ruminating about it.

Don’t know if that helps at all. You’re in a tough situation. Let me know how it goes!

Hello everyone,
I know it has been awhile since this post but I am hoping someone will give me some insight.
Here is my story…
Unfortunately, I was not a waiter. I wish now that I was. I am now in my early forties. Despite not having been a waiter, I was never promiscuous. I have had 4 partners in my life. My first boyfriend and I were together for 4 years before we had sex. I thought he was going to be my husband and were engaged when we had sex. Unfortunately, he died and I was devastated. A few years later, I meet another man who again, I dated for many years before we had sex. We were engaged and I thought thag God had given me another wonderful man. Slowly this man began abusing me verbally and untimately physically. The sex was non existant during those times and my self exteeem was next to none. I mustered the courgare to leave him and worked on myself and finished my degree. I was alone during that time…no sex and no casual encounters. Never did I have any casual flings of any kind. In my thirties, I meet another man and was moreso careful. We dated for many years and got engaged. Again, I thought I was blessed. During this relatonship, there was no sex and I made it very clear that I did not want to have sex before marriage. I did not want to do the same mistake again. During this relationship, I came to find out that he cheated on me not once but twice. He turned the table around and blamed me for him having to seek sex elsewhere. He called me a hypocrite because I was not a virgin and yet tried to behave like one. I ended the relationship then and there. Once again, I was alone for about 3 years and not having any casual sex. About 7 years ago I met my current fiance. When we met, quite coincidentally as I was not looking for anyone, he seemed like the perfect man. Right from the start, I told him about my past and my values. He was no fresh daisy but I never thought he did had played out his sex life withiut morals or consequences. I informed him from the beginning that honesty and communication was crucial for me and that I did not wish to be involved with a man who had a casual view of sex. I was fully cspable of being with a man who was jot a waiter but one who had been in only serious relationships. Asking for otherwise, would make me a hypocrite.
He assured me that that he was a man of values and morals. Things were wonderful for the first 5 years and this man is by far the best friend I thought I ever had. I was wrong….very wrong. Turns out he lied to me about so much. In fact, most of his sexual encounters were very casual…fuck buddies and one night stands….more than 20 of them. When I found out, my world shattered. I felt as though I was punched in the stomach. He says he lied because he saw that I was a good girl with values and that he did not want to lose me. He said that he always dreamed of finding a girl like me but after having been treated lkke dirt by his first and second girlfriend, tnag he thought that love did not exist. He had a low self esteem and this was the only type of ‘relationship’ the women he met were willing to give him. I don’t believe this for a second. I think he was horny and got off on having no strings attached sex.
He betrayed me…he lied to me…he conned me in orderto get into my life. Now all these years later…years that I invested into this man, I feel like I had no choice…he ne er gave me the choice nor the benefit of the doubt.
On the other hand, he never asks for sex and respects me on that level. He has waited and is willing to wait. I am stuck now dealing with the betrayal (lies) that he told me for years, but also with this knowledge of him having sex with these random moraless womem. The images are taunting and it makes me nauseated. I don’t know what to do. I am trying to do the right thing by forgiving him amd moving along but it is really hard.
I need someone on the outside to give me some advice. Thank you and God bless.

Hello Mike, I have been with my girlfriend over 6 years now. When we met I was 24 and she was 22. I was a virgin and she told me she had sex once with a guy and that it was a mistake. Recently she had an email from him and told me. She also mentioned a one year relationship and after few days I was wondering as it did not correlate with previous story. I spoke to her about it and she said she was 19 with him once and they they were on and off for year but he wasnt for her. So I dont know how many times she has slept with him and I think he was her only sexual partner. I also have told her I was a virgin when I met her only because I was shy and lacking in confidence so could not perform with 4 or 5 people I met on one night xstands. I did not think about this before as I thought she had sex once and didnt enjoy it but now I realise she was with him a number of times I cant get it out of my head, of what they did and her enjoying someone else. I do not want this to damage our relationship. I know she didnt tell me full story at beginning as she was ashamed I wasnt her first and she didnt want to hurt me. I know it is a mixture of pride and possibly she has experienced a sexual realationship with someone else that I didnt due to my issues. The conversation upset her a lot and I do not want to punish her but the images are driving me mad. Do I leave it alone and deal with myself orvtalk more?

@14 year old: Even if you hadn’t given your age, I’d probably have guessed you were a little kid. That’s how I thought when I was your age.

It’s a pride thing, I think, deciding that you’re better than someone else because at least YOU didn’t mess up like they did. Sure, you’ve made mistakes – everyone has – but theirs are SO much worse.

Crystalina Evert talks about this in her chastity talks. She went to a high school where there was a girl who was known to have slept with multiple guys. The people in the school decided they knew all about her: “That girl is a slut, and that’s all she’s ever going to be.” So Crystalina talked to the girl about it, and finally, the girl told her that no, it wasn’t fun, sleeping with all these guys. But her parents were going through a divorce, and whenever she was at home, there was yelling and screaming. She said that at least when she was with those guys, for a few moments when they held her, it felt like love, and it was the only thing close to love she was experiencing.

That girl was not a “slut”. There’s no such thing as a slut. There IS such a thing as a human person, fallen like the rest of us, who’s made a mistake. They need love and understanding, not condemnation and name-calling.

Hello there. I’m from a very conservative society where people keep themselves for that one special person all their life. My parents, my grand parents, my friends have all been like that, but my gf is a non-virgin and she has had sex with at least six people, all men, whom she had believed to be the love of her life at some point. It pains me to think that so many people had touched her and had sex with her. I’ve not touched any girl, knowing that they someday might belong to someone else. Why is that my girl has to be touched and defiled by so many people? And this also creates a great sorrow in my heart that I am not fortunate enough to have someone just for me, like the people from my society. You might say you have found a girl you love and that make you fortunate. But so has other people in my family. Why does God have to give me such a miserable deal? It’s like every other person surrounding me has been given something special just for them, but mine has been used up by other people, despite me keeping myself for that one person. I feel like I’ve been done a hard deal. It just torments me a lot and I couldn’t get myself to touch her or even kiss her. I even thought of leaving her, but it simply isn’t an option as I love no one else and will love no one. If I saw God now, I would probably grab his collar and say you better restart both our lives and make us be each others’ first and the last. I’ve always wanted to have my first kiss, my first sex, my first romantic touch with this one girl, who too wants to experience all her first with me. Now that is not a possibility. Why does this have to happen? I want this girl, but with her not being touched by anyone. I’m like a five year old kid asking for something I can never get. But I can’t handle this sort of life…Please help me

My boyfriend recently told me that he’s not a virgin anymore… Unlike many of you, it didn’t feel as if my life had been shattered , but I do think about it a lot. He was crying when he told me , because earlier in our relationship he told me that he’s waiting for marriage. It also bothers him that I wasn’t upset (I handled it quite well) when he told me , and he’s constantly apologizing… Saying that he wish he had waited… (He was in a long term relationship with the girl) also , he says it happened before he became a Christian… I truly believe that he feels bad and that he had changed his morals to waiting for marriage .

Am I silly for believing that he can start clean??

How do I explain why I handled the news so calmly?

How do I cope with the whole idea of knowing that he won’t ever be able to give me his everything and special gift of virginity ??

Is the fact that I forgave him as easy a bad sign for our relationship?

I once dated a girl so silly and sexually repressed to think that she could serve up purity on a platter by being a virgin for her future husband. Come to find out, she wasn’t even capable of forming the most basic of emotional bonds. She had never even been in a remotely normal dating relationship, but somehow expected that a successful marriage would transpire out of thin air. I can’t imagine being trapped in a boring, sexless relationship like that.

You people need to embrace human sexuality instead of needlessly punishing yourselves for wanting what is natural.

@Joe: I’m very glad to hear that she’s no longer your girlfriend. Respect is extremely important in a relationship, and it’s clear that you didn’t respect her or her decision.

You described the relationship as being “boring and sexless”. Am I to assume that you considered it boring specifically BECAUSE there was no sex in it? If that’s the case, then there was a deeper problem there. A relationship should be able to work even if you’re not having sex, otherwise, there’s no real love. People who actually love and respect each other are usually happy and excited just spending time together. If they say, “This would be a great relationship, but without sex, I don’t find being with them interesting,” then it’s proof that really it’s the sex that they care about.

Incidentally, you mentioned people who wait till marriage are “punishing themselves for wanting what is natural.” I don’t know anyone on this site who’s punishing themselves for wanting sex. They freely admit that they want to have sex, and that sex is a good thing. It’s just that they want to save that experience for their spouse. Again, if you consider simply abstaining from sex to be “punishing yourself,” then again, that’s a sign of a deeper issue.It’s no punishment to make a small sacrifice now for a large pay-off in the future. Besides, even people who aren’t waiting till marriage have to learn self-control, because they can’t just have sex whenever they want to.

Anonymous,
I have a slightly different story bc it has bothered me, but I believe that how you are handling it is great.
If you are a Christian then you know that all sins are equal and that we are supposed to forgive others.
I have taken this approach because I love him too much to let him go.
I highly believe that a person can ask God for a renewed virginity and promise to save themselves for marriage. Virginity is like a wrapped gift. If you let someone open it (sex), then your future spouse is left with an already opened gift while you may be giving them your beautifully wrapped gift. But they can ask God to re-wrap their gift. Pain will still be there for future relationships, but they have taken an oath with God.
I don’t think the way you handled it is bad, maybe you are just a very forgiving person (a great trait).
Everyone makes mistakes/sins, whether it is telling a white lie, having sex before marriage, stealing, etc.
Matthew 12:31 says “And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven.”
If he is a follower, his sins have been forgiven by the creator and God of the universe! Why should you not be able to forgive him?
For if you are not a Christian and believe there is no God, then this moral of abstinence does not exist because God is the one who says “Flee from all sexual immorality..”
Hope this helped.

Thank you so much! This article really helped me out because everything in it explains the way i feel. It was everything I’ve bottled up and it helped so much.I think the only way to get through something like this, when you know you’ll never find someone that fits your puzzle piece so perfectly, is to ask God for help. Jesus was pure but lived so closely to many who weren’t. Because he was their guidance to the Lord. We must reflect his love in such ways, and learn to accept the person you love, who also loves you. My boyfriend had a sex twice in his previous relationship and regrets it because he never thought he’d find someone like me. He didn’t believe in what I believed in. But he does now. It hurts to know I’m not his first, but I know that he now lives the way God asks him to. And that is enough for me to know, that God has plans for us. Learn to accept and fully love someone, not for what they’ve done, but for who they are with you. This article helped me realize, there are more pros than cons. And the only way to get through once you know they are the right, is through the lord.

Thank you so much for this! I’m coming to terms with all of it. This helped me see what I am doing wrong. 🙂 Still working on it. But one quick question. My bf talks about his past sex life with almost pride, what does that mean?

It’s just really hard, one was a committed relationship (1Year & 3Months) the other was sort of a one-night-stand, but they still had sex, & with someone she only knew for that night. She’s gave 3 guys in her life head including the two above. But she’s hadn’t had sex for a couple years now almost 4 to be exact. Shes 18 and lost it at 14. I find that discussing. Now shes with me now of course and considering marriage. The thing is I’m still a virgin and planning to lose it with her, But I can’t get the image out of my mind that she’s done this before with Someone who just used her for sex and another who is a Player. The real big thing to me is that when it’s time to lose my virginity, it wont be as new and as magical for her as it will be for me, and that kills me inside. To the point were I’m deciding on whether I should leave her for a virgin, or lose it to her but in the act & say that “I, I just cant do this. Images of you and others having sex keep poping up in my head and it killing the whole mood here. I’m sorry but I just can’t do this anymore.” (All in the middle of having sex, so I basically just lost it to her, didn’t finish and left her. I don’t want this to happen I want to marry her and start a family sometime, (were both 18 I graduated HS but she’s still in HS as a senior, She failed a grade in Elementary school) But I just can’t get the fact she basically had a one night stand and isn’t a virgin.

This article really did lift some weight off my shoulders but everything I just talked about is still on my mind.

Mike
I have been with this guy for some time now and I love everything about him,I honestly thought he was the one. I recently found out that he had,had sex before when he was young and it just made my stomach turn,I’ve started to see him in an a completely different way , I’ve tried to forgive him using the above help but he doesn’t seem to regret his choice not that I’ve asked him. I really want things to work out between us but I get the feeling that things are never going to be the same between us again .

While you are disrespecting the choices so many people make, keep in mind that in general, people don’t mind your choice of abstinence. Get off your weird, shaming high-horse and move toward something more productive. That name calling is so horribly gross.

I have same dilemma too, but I have broader situation here.I am Virgin and My partner is not. Im facing a problem of ” Its like, I got intimidated of her past , I know who get her virginity and worst Im ashame of catching her again from the guy who left her”. Im thinking what if her past says “I got her first and you just got a secondhand gum that I chew and spitted”.. I feel it gross to me. Not being selfish, but is it bad if I choose my self than accepting her.? (I really love her, and I get doubts for now if she loves me too more than the past now and wonder if she wont have feelings to her past anymore.) . Im not judging her to be a whore and a not decent girl. “and it always bother me about my expectations to her, like if shes decent why she gave it to her past.? and without assurance if the guy wont leave her. maybe Im thinking too much, and for now I cant forgive her. (btw, I ask it to her if shes not or a virgin. and I ask her why you let m get in this situation if she loves me. and sad Im the one who ask it instead she will tell me at first.)

I have been in this situation twice now. It definitely hurts a lot. However, what helped me get over it was realizing that I was being extremely selfish. If you’re in a relationship, it’s obviously not just about you. I want to care more about the other person than I care about myself or even think about my own desires. Try thinking about being in your partner’s shoes. You haven’t waited but your partner has, wouldn’t you want them to be able to love and accept you? I know not everyone is “religious” but honestly, I couldn’t accept my partners’ pasts until I realized something. I had to learn to love all of them, even their past but I didn’t know how to do that until I felt the love God has for me. Without that, I would have never been able to come to terms with it. I had to feel his love in my own life before I could love others. Loving someone and their stained and dirty past is radical. God’s love is even more radical. When someone truly understands how much God loves you, everything changes. Until you experience this, you’ll still be skeptical. That’s okay. The amazing thing about God is that he is patient and will never stop loving us. This concept is life-changing. Unfortunately, it took me a long time to grasp this even growing up in a Christian home. I just recently became a Christian and I am in college. Too many people are turned off from Christianity by the hypocrisy and everything that is wrong with the American Church. If you just take God at who he is and seek a personal relationship and don’t worry about what others are doing or the problems Chrisitanity has, your life will be changed. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to go to a building every week to be a Christian. I grew up surrounded by Christianity but I never actually knew and accepted God’s love. I think when you experience that, this whole struggle of excepting someone’s past dims. Sure, it will still be a struggle, but the best way I can describe it is that you just feel peace. If God loves me enough to still want me after everything I’ve ever done and denied Him, I can love someone and their past. I know that a lot of people hate having the Bible shoved on them, but if there is any interest, read the book of Hosea in the Old Testament. It really brings things into perspective for me.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this. It’s a weird story and I love this girl, but it hurts so bad. Can someone help me through this? Me and her have already decided on our future together, and I’ll never leave her, but it hurts so, so much.

I need some help. See there’s this girl I meet earlier this year, who I found to like a lot,has had sex with a guy since we’ve been talking. I asked and she told me and she answered with all honesty. What should I do about this?

Helpful article on a tough subject. I’m a virgin and waiting until marriage but the more I meet people the more I realize finding someone I am very compatible with that is also a virgin is going to be difficult. I guess it is one thing for me if the guy had sex at a young age and is now fully committed to waiting, but another if our views on the subject completely differ – if I am committed to waiting because of moral and religious reasons (which I am), but to him premarital sex is completely fine and he wants to only follow his passionate and lustful feelings no matter when they occur, then how different are our priorities and beliefs going to be in other areas if we do not agree on the issue of the context in which sex should occur? It’s also been surprising and somewhat painful to see close friends of mine, both guys and girls, who used to be committed to waiting or at least have a lot of respect for sex suddenly change their mind when they enter a relationship with someone they are really attracted to. People that used to show strength and discipline now decide that “tradition” doesn’t matter to them and say they now realize that having sex just isn’t a “big deal” – and now stay the night at their SO’s place several times a week even though they admit marriage may or may not be in the future and if so will be several years away. My personal decision has not wavered as I have also seen the damaging fallout of some of these friends after break-ups occur and they are faced with feelings of betrayal, distrust, and moral angst. But those that say virgins just shouldn’t expect to marry another virgin or should be grateful that their non-virgin partner has only had sex with 3 people in the past instead of 10 are undermining the whole platform on which virgins made their decision to wait. For me, it’s less of a picturing them in the act issue and more of a “why wasn’t waiting important to you?”/”why wasn’t I good enough to wait for?” issue. That’s the major reason I am waiting besides of my faith – because I believe my future husband deserves for me to have been fully committed to him before I meet him. And I want the same commitment from him, which is why virginity does matter to me.

So I was never really interested in having a relationship or waiting to have sex when I was at high school so I never did,because I wasn’t lucky enough and wasn’t bothered at the time. But I turned 18 and finally met someone, he s really nice really honest, he’s told me he slept with 16 people becuase his first love (which he didnt do anything with) rejected him and moved away and so he started sleeping around to deal with the loss.I new want I was in for and thought I could handle it but I m struggling too. He doesn’t like to be reminded about it because he wishes he never did it and regrets it (apparently), I just don’t feel good enough for him like another tick on the list of shags I think he’s going to cheat on me because I dont feel good enough for him and I hate him going out because I think he’s gonna cheat on me or start sleeping around again. What should I do x

Thanks so much for this! I’ve been troubled over a friend with benefits situation that my fiance once had. He’s a very sexually open person while I, though not necessarily waiting til marriage, could not easily have an fwb or the such. I realize now that I’ve been really torturing us both with it. I’ll talk to him about it soon, and thanks to this article I’ll know a bit better how to talk and deal with it.

Simple as it is but very hurting, I must admit that just a thought of her having sex with that guy makes me sick. I loose appetite and always picture her with him. I usualy ask, what did he tell her that she gave in to him, not once but thrice?? Am no longer a virgin and my first time was with her. Sometimes when am undressing her i cry just after thinking that that other man might have undressed the same clothes. I must admit that its a big blow on my side. ;(

My boyfriend and I had sex a few months before we started dating. He is my first bf and we’ve been dating for 1 year now. He’s never had sex before me, but he’s done everything else with his ex gfs. He says he wouldn’t have had sex with me if he didn’t love me, but we weren’t even dating at the time when we started having sex, so I’m not exactly sure why he says that. He immmediately told his family when we started having sex. He says he wants to get married and have kids and always says he wishes we were married, and that we met sooner. But for some reason, i cant put my finger on it, i don’t think he really loves me and I don’t think I love him. I didnt really think our relationship would last this long. His parents and my mom kind of pressure him about marrying me. I’m kind of regretting I didn’t wait longer, I just kind of gave it to him without thinking and kind of felt bullied into it. Sex with him doesnt feel special which makes me sad, and I’m also kind of embarrassed. He’s younger than me by five years, and he doesn’t know I was also a virgin. I’m aware that one of these days I will have to tell him, if I want to move forward in our relationship, but do I really have to? I guess I do …

Hi mike! Great article.. I just want to share my story or should I say problem.

I was 22 back then and she was 24 she was my first but she told me back then that she had sex with his past boyfriend and we became couples just a few montha right after they split up and now im turning 30 and we’ve beeen together now for nearly 8 years and we have a son now. But the thing is her past still haunts me at this point. Our relationship ia being affected with it.. Please tell me what to do.. Thank you so much!

Mike,im with a girl who i dated in school for two years.In that time we were serious.We said that if whe had to have sex it would’ve been with each other.I went to university and she was still in school.We broke up in a good manner.After 4 years we met again and began dating.a Few weeks in she told me she had sex with someone she dated for a year in that 4 years.She regret that she had sex with him.I try to forgive her but somedays i get really angry and disgusted about it.It is effecting our relationship.What can i do to make it better?

This article plus all the comments have been really helpful. It’s comforting to find out other people battling with Same issues.

I’m 25 years old and I have been dating this girl for 6 months now. I had never even kissed anybody before her but she had few ‘wilder years’ before me during which she had one long-term boyfriend (Who gave her STD which may have made her steril) and few short relationships which also included sex. I don’t even want to know how many or what she did with them.

I’m in a lucky situation because we can talk about it maturelly. At first when she first brought up ‘her boat on this matter had already sailed’ I didn’t mind it so much. This was because she told it in a quite early point. Later on when I had started to really love this girl (and also found about more details about her history) things started to escalate. Suddenly my sub-concious started shooting me with painful images of her having sex in different positions.

She has told me her experiences were nothing special and it was just ‘sex’. And that she hadn’t understood the meaning of abstinence and sex before me. That she has never wanted anybody so bad (we have real struggle keeping pants on). That she had never thought that her decisions could be so painful for someone Else later on life. My struggle with her history is painful for her and she has told me she would make it all undone if she could. And I believe her. She’s also afraid that I’m gonna leave her one day because of it which I’m not gonna do. She is perfect on every other aspect and I’m so gonna marry this girl. That’s why I really wanna find a way to cope with this.

I don’t think thinking about breaking up really helps. Nor does comparing her with the world because I don’t wanna think about her sexual history at all. It helps to share this with anonymous audience. If you have time please feel free to pray for me in this struggle.

I have been with my boyfriend nearly 6 months, he told me pretty much straight away that he wasn’t a virgin.. he’s only had sex once with a random girl at a party. But it hurts and I get all the feelings described in this article. I’m not sure if I can deal with it being on the back of my mind all the time. I don’t know what to do or if it’s worth it. I love him but this gets in the way of our relationship.

I have been married 38 years next month have three beautiful grown up children. I love my wife very much. I always have from the day I met her and I always will. But the day she told me she was not a virgin and had sex with her former boyfriend remains like a knife in my heart to this day. It is something I will never get over. Although not particularly religious I have always felt that keeping ones virginity for marriage was the right thing to do. I had not been in any serious relationship until I met her…always had my head into the books so as you can guess I was a complete virgin in every sense of the word.
We fell in love almost at first sight. I loved her company and loved everything about her as she did me. To explain my feelings when she told me she had sex is extraordinarily difficult. I felt cheated, angry, hurt, betrayed, annoyed at myself for not meeting her sooner…all sorts of wild emotions. I try to imagine (perhaps I shouldn’t) what it was like being with her for the first time. After all , unless I am unfaithfull to her I will never know what that is like will I?
Even after all these years I feel tremendous heartache. She has the view that it is her past and I was not part of it so I have no right to discuss it with her…..perhaps that is one side of the issue but I do not think she understands just how much she has hurt me over the years. I did ask her once when we got into a very rare argument about it whether she could remember the first time we had sex. She could not but of course does remember when where, time of day place etc where she lost her virginity and remembers every detail.
I have learned to shove my emotions in a dark part of my mind and just try to go on with my life.
For any young women and men out there who remain virgins please wait until your wedding night. It will mean so much more for the both of you and you will not suffer 40 years of heartbreak and torment loving a woman so deeply it hurts but knowing that you will never be her first.

You cannot be practically a virgin Mike. If you have slept with someone else just once you are not. I don’t think that there is a comparison between someone who has had lots of sexual partners and someone that has only slept with one. None of them are virgins because both mentally and physically they are different.
You cannot wind the clock back on viginity Mike…once it is done it’s done.

To not gonna die a virgin.
I have been there for a long long time. These thoughts will not go away they will be with you for all time. My best advice is to stop the hurting now and find yourself a virgin to love and cherish. There is no baggage and these thoughts will never enter your head. I am 65 years old and wish so dealry that I had taken a different path in my life and looked for the virgin I wanted and needed. I made a huge mistake. You have teh opportunity to not make that mistake.

hey i just want to ask… my girlfriend told me to wait before we have sex… thats fine with me… but the my problem is… she and her ex had sex for like 10 times already… (i know because she told me) i ask her… did you make him wait… she said a little… so im asking her why are you making me wait for more than a year to have it but you didnt make your ex wait… its kinda unfair dont you think? thats the problem im having now… i told my self if she was a virgin… i’ll be willing to wait even if it takes me 10 years… but this issue.. its like im waiting for nothing….. can anyone help me?

Honestly, gave up on waiting until marriage. Just waiting for a virgin man to come along and claim my heart and body… or even a non-virgin man that treats me like a goddess (like that’s ever gonna happen). So gonna live life until then, and not going to worry!

Its right that a person who waited till marraige should go for someone who shares same values….because if he gets a non virgin he is defintely right in feeling insecure because she may run away one day with other partner or may have health issues due to such casual or multiple sex issues…for which the non virgin may have to suffer and also his nobleness to wait till marraige will go in vain…thnk u llb

Its right that a person who waited till marraige should go for someone who shares same values….because if he gets a non virgin he is defintely right in feeling insecure because she may run away one day with other partner or may have health issues due to such casual or multiple sex issues…for which the non virgin may have to suffer and also his nobleness to wait till marraige will go in vain…thnk u llb

This article cleared so many things on my mind. I’m currently with this girl I’ve been dating for about a month, but we’ve been talking to each other before our relationship. She had told she wasn’t a virgin before we dated. I didn’t know if she had more than one sex partner, but I didn’t mind the fact she was not a virgin even though I still was at the time we were getting to know one another.

We ended up having sex before we officially dated. I love her so much and she loves me equally. We have talked about her past sex life and it bothered me the first time I heard it bcuz she told me she’s done it with 3 different guys. One or tow of her boyfriends kinda impacted her life and made her few things differently in life. I want to be a boyfriend that impacted her life, but more than they did. I’d told her not to mention anything from the past or her relationship with her past ex’s anymore bcuz it’ll make things worse and I feel that if it were to come up again it’ll be bothersome and end our relationship. She agreed with me not to mention it ever again.

I don’t want anything bad to happen bcuz we love each other so much and we are thinking about moving in with each other. I few myself spending a long time with her but we’ll have to see in the future. She wants the same thing but she doesn’t know the outcome either.

We also had this talk were she’d told me if it’s all bcuz of the honeymoon phase is the reason we are being so affectionate. She said that it’s bcuz I lost my virginity with her first that’s why it feels like she’s the one. But I feel that theirs more than just having sex, I told her I wanted to start something new with her and to forget about the past and create our own story.

My main concerns are trying to get the images out of my head, how to be better than her past ex’s, and how to build and maintain this relationship we have for a long time.

Please read this post. Your response will be deeply appreciated. Thank you

I have exactly the same concerns. I can’t get those images out of my head no matter how I try to avoid them, and I always have an urge to better than my girlfriend’s ex. It’s starting to affect our relationship as it often affects my mood each time I remember it. We also had sex but I still can’t help but picture those images inside my head.

As much as this article is about helping people, I doubt it is going to help, AT ALL.

Unless the virginity issue is due to rape, there is no reason why virgins should EVER be obliged to carry the baggage that comes along with non-virgins who did not wait until marriage. I mean NEVER.

Your article barely scratches the surface about the amount of emotional torment that virgins go through when they realise their partner is not a virgin like they are, and how sweeping those emotions under the carpet will NEVER work. What do you mean when you say we virgins should not torment ourselves unnecessarily? Those emotions that we feel are completely normal and justified, and should not be invalidated for the sake of a relationship. To say such a thing as don’t torment yourself is nothing but an insensitive remark for us to suppress our emotions, to hold them in and then bottle them up, which does absolutely NOTHING but damage our own long term physical and emotional health. Read up on some psychology regarding the damage of suppressed emotions before you spew such trash.

As for not torturing non-virgins about their sexual past, its completely possible: just don’t ever dream about getting into a relationship with us. Why do you suppose that non-virgins can take all their baggage from their promiscuity into a relationship, baggage that will be there forever and probably can’t ever be resolved, and expect us to be all accommodating and accepting? Meanwhile, life for virgins are just as tough if not more so for us since we have to resist temptations, none of those are ever rewarded when we get into a relationship with non-virgins because they already stock up for themselves baggages from their own irresponsible actions. And all you can say to us is: Don’t punish them for their sexual past? Are you kidding me?

Sure, non-virgins can have wonderful qualities, but when they cannot even control their own animalistic desires, that is a huge red flag flying in the face of any virgin seeking a stable and long term healthy relationship. Ever heard the phrase “Don’t overlook the small details in life”? When a person cannot even control his/her own most basic desires and use them in a healthy way (such as waiting till marriage), then all other so-called good qualities don’t seem all that convincing or real as a result. That’s not being cruel, that’s realism. So before non-vrigins attempt to flaunt their all encompassing “good qualities” in an attempt to prove their worth, they should really ask themselves, what makes them think their :good qualities” really stick when they cannot even exercise self control and responsibility to begin with?

And it is simply ludicrous when you try to compare non-virgins with one sexual encounter with non-virgins with multiple encounters, and then justify that somehow a non-virgin partner is better because of the relatively few encounters he/she had. Its like saying a murderer who only murdered one person is not that much of a murderer compared to a serial killer. Bogus logic to the max, don’t you think? No thanks either to your negativity that just because the world is promiscuous, virgins should just settle for someone less than their ideal. That racks of low self esteem and compromise, something a high value person never does.

There is nothing silly about minding the sexual past of a partner, in fact, that is what true realism is about, not the realism you posit. It is absolutely realistic to have concerns that the sexual past of your partner can affect not just your emotional and physical health (AIDs and other STDs, ring a bell?), but also the very stability of a long term relationship. Just have a look at the unfortunate cases of women getting married to men who had a bad sexual past, and end up having to fork out their life savings because their men’s prior women sued him for his promiscuity, or have a look at cases of women who had their nude photos posted online by their previous sexual partners AFTER they were married and how their husbands’ faces turned green. If you think that these things don’t matter or are silly to be bothered with, then you must be out of your sound mind.

Sorry, but the advice here you’ve given is really wishy washy to me, and something I will never recommend to myself or other virgins. To those non-vrigins who are self justified in their promiscuity, I have only this to say: You can choose to be promiscuous, we too can choose never to accept you.

Me again. Just writing in to say that a month after I posted my last response, I started developing feelings for a man that has *LOTS* of baggage from *LOTS* of past sexual encounters. This whole thing sucks. First we were friends, then close friends, and now we both want to be with each other but can’t due to his baggage! I’ve been kind of going back and forth with the whole ‘should I even want to be in a relationship with this guy, because I feel like I’d just be another female he’d get on and use.’ We had a talk the other night where he said he really wanted to be my boyfriend, but due to his ex hurting him in the past, he can’t give me his whole self…. and now that I think about it… he wouldn’t be able to anyway! 🙁 On top of that, I wouldn’t be the first close female friend that he’d pursue something with.
I mean, I’m in deep right now… but at least I’m moving across the country… though that sucks too because he’s my best friend and not just a guy I’m seeing…

Please tell me what you would do… If you saved yourself for marriage, to find the right man at the age of 27… You get into a very serious relationship with this guy that you have known since childhood. With every opportunity you emphasise and make it clear that having a non-virgin partner is an absolute non-negotiable for you as you’ve had the strength to resist the temptation for 27 years of your life.

He swears he has practiced purity & virginity as you have for 28years… The relationship progresses further, marriage is confirmed and you both discuss to give yourselves to each other (yes a big ugly mistake). The first time does not feel like a first time or how you imagined it to be all your life, he does not connect, has no value or mention of the sacrifice you both are making, has no emotional attachment and does not take care of you in any way before or after. You blame it on inexperience and let your gutt feeling pass. Months after you have given yourself to him, you find some of his old messages & he is forced to reveal he has been sexually active with his previous partner?

Your 27 years of sacrifice is wasted. You, your body, your soul feels used, manipulated, deceived, cheated. You feel giving yourself to him wasn’t your choice! He should have come clean before proceeding further in the relationship. Had that been the case it would be your choice! And no it was not a spur of the moment decision. There was six months of prior planing involved, initiated and persued strongly by him… and finally two weeks of “trying” involved before finally having intercourse for the first time…

What does one do to get through the emotional trauma? Your heart is toren apart, your body feels like trash, you feel raped, you blame yourself for the wrong decisions you made, for being educated yet so naive to have taken such a wrong decision and been cheated on… You still love him though he broke your heart by deciving you… So please tell me what you would do if this happened to you. Thanks

My story is slightly different than of the stories I’ve read from this page. After 20 or so hours of depression and thinking about this problem, I feel that I need to write this.

I met a girl in my first week of college. She was my ideal in so many ways. I had never had sex or done anything sexually with a girl before this time. I had my first kiss stolen when I was 13, after I told the girl not to, and promptly broke up with her. Not for kissing me, as my entire life up until my first week of college I had never really thought about virginity or how strongly I felt about it. I actually thought that guys that put so much weight into virginity were either very jealous, people, extremely and ridiculously religious (I have no problem with good people that are also religious. Just bad people that use it to justify hurting others), or just shitty people.
So, by the time I met this girl, I was so thankful for how quickly we bonded, how perfect she was in every way I could reasonably gauge in the throws of the “honeymoon” period. I sat with her on the couch of her apartment after kissing her the night before extensively. She became serious and told me that she had to get something off her chest. She told me strait up that she had tried to have sex with 2 other guys and it hurt so much she never actually had been penetrated. She asked me, that if we do end up falling in love, she wanted me to know up front that she may never be able to have, enjoy sex. Me being someone that had never done anything with anyone, felt completely fine with her past sexual history. I even told her that I was fine if she couldn’t have sex. What did I know? I had never done it and was even kind of exited that this perfect girl hasn’t even had intercourse yet. I told her as much.
The weeks went by, we were so crazy in Love (I can say this for sure 5 years later) and enjoyed nearly every minute of life. I suffered from deep depression for many years during highschool. After having been taken out of middleschool in the last year and never actually having attended highschool. I was mildly agoraphobic and did nothing, with little social contact. So as you can probably visualize, I was pretty much finding new hope in life with her and hope for the future, being out in public again and falling in love right off the bat with this girl that seemed to love me so much.
I learned, much about her previous relationships, and started to fell something really terrible in the pit of my stomach. To feel equal and maybe, help this feeling of jealousy and resentment that I couldn’t identify at the time. I Lied to her and told her I had been with other girls. Going so far as to say I had sex with one of them. This being my very first real relationship as an adult, I didn’t know what to do, or how I should be feeling.
In the months following I started to become more and more sick. Asking more and more questions about her previous relationships. She reacted like she should have. She would tell me,but with an air of incredulity to her speech. Up until then, I would have felt it was justified, but instead I became very bitter. The worst feelings I have every had, barring having my back molar chiseled out under little anesthesia, would occur, and I would Lie on my knees holding my stomach. She didn’t understand how I could possibly be so hypocritical. So this went on for a while until I started, actually raging at her. Rage is not a word I would ever use in describing myself and my life up until this point. I started to just ask her things like “Did you just not give a shit about yourself?” or ” How could someone so intelligent and Stubborn give into the guys you did. The guys btw were real assholes that used her and left her. I should also probably point out that, though she never actually had intercouse, she had done quite a bit, and her first bf at 15 made her cum many times over there relationship…
This is becoming very hard to write out at this point.

The point is, I eventually couldn’t keep my anger, jealously, contempt, and the newfound realization that… SHIT! I was actually waiting for someone I loved. I had been waiting, intentionally avoiding sexual relationships until I found the right girl. Apparently at some point in my life this became extremely important to me without realizing it. Now I was with this beautiful amazing women, that loved me back, but I was so incredibly devastated by her lack of emphasis on waiting for the man she loved, that I could hardly look at her. I made her feel so soo bad for this. I felt like I needed her to feel bad. The thing was, she did. She felt horrible, she never loved these guys, and in fact only tried to have sex with them based on peer pressure from them and her 4 sisters examples. She felt like this was how life works after the first guy, and being so upset about potentially never being able to have sex, she stopped caring about her self and sex as a moral ideal. Expecting to never find a good man.

Nothing I learned helped. Throughout our relationship, I tried everything. Getting healthy, eating as best I could, taking supplement, counseling. I started to Lie to my friends about her past because I couldn’t bear to say it aloud. I met her family and resented all of them, even the place she grew up in. I couldn’t stand to be in knowing she had been with him there. I started resenting my amazing Mother for ending my social life, and possibly ruining my chances of having had sex before I met her. Which I assume, even to this day, would have fixed this problem.

For five years on and off I have suffered though this. I know this is a far cry from some of you on here, but I feel your pain. I cried for you reading every post on this thread.
She left me, and I her, nearly every year for months at a time. We couldn’t let each other go. I have been working on this pain for these years. Everyday of my life I think about her with them. I have gotten pretty good over the years at not taking it out on her, as much as I want to. As well as being able to scramble my thoughts to gibberish and colors to get the pictures out of my head.

This past year she started to become more and more distant. I talked her into getting a job. Knowing that I was only doing it so that she would start living life again. After being with such a terrible verbally abusive man, and sticking by me through all of the horrible 10 hour long fights. I had become a different person over these years. I hated myself for what I had become, and over something I still rationally consider petty when I think about it. I just wanted her to leave me, for her own sake. This worked, she got very distant. I just let it happen. This year we broke up “for good”.

Overtime, I started becoming myself again. I was actually ok with life, but I dearly missed her everyday. I still loved her so much. I knew that this had to happen and was happy for her. I felt like everyday was grey, even around friends.5 months went by in a flash. I can hardly recall any of what happened over these past 5 months. Except that she and I made up, again, over the summer… We both agreed to live out the rest of that this past summer and to really try to fix ourselves before we got back together and let this happen again.

She said for the first time that she forgave me. She forgave me. I can’t even believe that anyone would have the emotional will power to forgive someone like me. When she returned, I was over the moon. We no longer live together, but she is near. I see her as often as possible, and try to be the man I should have been all these years.

She doesn’t know this. I told her I forgave her… I have not forgiven her. I now blame our current culture for he past mistakes, and it helps a bit to siphon the anger and resentment, but I’m nearly done. My love for her won’t overcome this. I have been so unhappy for so long. Since around 13 when I was homeschooled. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Without her life is pointless to me. I completely disagree with the global culture and the fucked up things our nations governments put the people through. The complete lack of logical decisions about the ecological state of this world and the rampant fear mongering. I just feel dead inside. I still maintain that this is a petty thing to focus so strongly on. Logically of course. I know first hand that these emotions are very real. Some I didn’t even know I had until reading this page.

I’m sorry this was so long, I don’t expect anyone to read the entirety of it. I have just never had the courage to really think about and type out this whole ordeal. I am now at a point in my life 25 that I don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t just end this nearly joyless life for only 3 reasons. For Sarah, whom I have already caused so much pain. For my mother that has done nothing, but be the best mother she knew how to be. The last real thing holding me here, is the question that plagues humans since we began. However we did begin. I don’t know what comes after death.

Thank you for making this. It has helped me a ton! I was worried my relationship would be ruined because I was having trouble coping with the fact that my gf wasn’t a virgin. But this seriously helped me get over that.

“Practically a virgin” had to be one of the dumbest things I ever heard. Here is advice – if you are that concerned that she is not a virgin then don’t be with her. I made that mistake and think about it often with my wife. Also people define virgin differently (petting and oral don’t count).

Dear mike,
my name is robert, recently i met a girl and she is 23 and…she is loving me very much and ready to give her life even for me.i am a virigin guy..But she has sexual past with 10 guys. and she is saying that she tried to be loved by them but they used her…now we have been in relationship from 7 months we had sex for 10 times and we have stop doing that,because i want to marry her,we took a decision that we should not have sex until we get marry.we are going to marry in 1 year..but when i remember her past i was going through deepest pain and i am doubting that will she stay with me forever and because i am not very much expert in sex…she had more experience and if she go with any other guy even after marriage what i have to do…. sometimes planning to break up with her…but if do that she will surely end up her life…but she is promising me and saying that i need your love and not sex…
plzzzzzzzzzz help me mike

I just broke up with a girl I was dating for a couple months. At the very end of the relationship, she disclosed her sexual history where she had been sleeping with every guy she’d been in a relationship for the last 5 years (less than 10 guys total) and even had 1 hookup in the month between when her last relationship ended and when she started talking to me. Even though we’re no longer dating, I can’t seem to get visions and wondering about her sexual history out of my mind.

I always told myself someone’s history like that wouldn’t impact me, but it sure seems to have made a bigger impact than I ever anticipated. After her telling me her history, I could never get romantic feelings back for her. I can’t figure out why this girl I’m not longer dating or even talking to, is still haunting me when it comes to her sexual history 🙁

It’s super depressing and draining to say the least. When we talked about it, I asked if she felt forgiven from it although she didn’t physically show any remorse. Maybe it’s because all those events were so recent to when we started talking, that it’s hard for me to believe it really was a mistake she slept with so many guys, or that she really has changed from who she was just a month before.

Time to move on Anonymous. Do you think she will change if you marry her? Not a chance. Leopards NEVER change their spots. Get out while you still can. Those decisions are hers to be accountable for not yours. Find someone without the baggage. You’ll be a lot happier. I have lived 40 years with this crap…do not subject yourself to it.

This article really describes my life, I have a gf that has had 6 guys before me, I was a virgin, we have had sex around 60 times now but like other comments I have read, I feel disgusted and have many pictures going through my head. She has a great personality, one that made me think she was a virgin and was able to wait for sex, but apparently she has had sex with 4 boyfriends, then she started to have friends with benefits, the boyfriends I can understand, but why would she have sex with 2 guys she claims she didn’t “love”. I mean I wanted to have sex real bad but I was desperate to go have sex with people I didn’t love, thinking about it makes me feel weird. Mike plz help

I have been married for for almost 14 years and we dated for several before that. High school sweethearts you could say. She had sex about 30 times between 5 different guys before she met me. She told me about her past right away. I was honest with her that I didn’t care for it, but I really did like everything else about her. To this day I still resent her for the past and it still bugs me that she wasn’t a virgin. I gave my virginity to her and feel cheated about it. My advice to someone is that if it bothers immediately then find someone else.

First of all, i thank you Mike so much for writing on this topic. And your way of presenting your thoughts is tremendously awesome. You have a magnificent sense of writing which strikes the exact note of the readers, it really intoxicated my mind.
And i like the honest comments of all the people here especially Evelyn and all other girls who have maintained their purity(in my opinion) by not engaging in sex with a guy who’s not gonna marry you and certainly who’ll never be your husband in future.
Same appreciation is for all the boys out there who are still in the same category as me i.e a virgin. Thanks for boosting my confidence and to enforce my morale regarding this belief. You people are awesome, really.
Thank you once again..

Thanks a lot . It was something craving me head to toe ,imagning his past was fucking me . What u scripted is so true about him waiting for me and resisting himself fron sex . This helped me assure what I as thinking wass not wrong 🙂 I am simply going to forget about his past n will him loads as ever ,the way more though 🙂

This article and a lot of comments on here really miss the mark in some ways. It is never ok to call a woman a whore. Acting like you are better than those who haven’t grown up in church or saved sex for marriage is setting a bad example and showing the church/our faith in a bad light. It’s a personal decision and something you can be proud of for yourself, but it’s never ok to make others feel less or ashamed because of their past choices. None of us are perfect.

Thanks! This article helped me a lot! It helped me calm down. Lately I’ve been kinda sad and anxious because my boyfriend isn’t a virgin, and I told him that it really upsets me. But he told me that he really regrets it and that he loves me. Anyways thanks for the article!

I am a 17 years old Virgin who is facing so much pressure both from society and personally. I want to wait till I am married but I also feel like I am too young to be facing this kind of pressure about “losing it” considering the ages of other people here who have waited, are still waiting etc. But right now I am determined to follow my heart and my heart says “wait”.
Whoa!. This was posted 4 years ago. I wonder if decisions have been changed, forgotten, etc by the waiters over the years.
I wonder if Mike “waited” or “is still waiting”

I’m an 18 year old virgin who fell in love with his classmate, a girl who is a year older than me. We started out as friends first then eventually became a couple. After a few days of becoming a couple she told me that she’s not a virgin anymore. Of course that made me felt so much pain, but I was able to keep calm and reassure her that it doesn’t bother, boy was I wrong. After a few days we would come to that topic and I would end up being angry then one time when we did talk about it, I said somethings and it made her cry, I immediately apologize after realizing what I said, she only forgave the next day. That was our last fight about that, and now it’s been a few weeks and I still can’t get the thought of her not being a virgin out of my head. That’s until I found this article. After reading your article it made me really ashamed of what I’ve done to her. She’s been nothing but an angel to me but I’ve only treated her badly and I was practically torturing her about her past without realizing it. I know it won’t be easy for me to change my mindset about this topic, but I’ll be sure to remember this article of yours whenever I would suddenly think about her sexual past, thank you Mike.

I am a 19 year old virgin and for the first time I have actually fallen in love with my 20 year old boyfriend. He is everything to me and he is my best friend. We met in college and have been together for nearly a year now. But I just can’t get over the fact that he has had sex with 5 different girls. It really does break my heart every time I think about it
He has only had one other girlfriend whom he dated for 5 years, so I thought it was reasonable for him to loose his virginity to her. But the other four girls were all one night stands at parties. And the last girl he slept with, is actually an acquaintance of one who I strongly dislike. I know how he feels about me and I know there is a real potential for us to end up together. I really do love him, I am in love with him so much to the point that it hurts just how much I love him. And I do want us to go on the next level and make love. I just really can’t get those images of him and the other girl out of my head. And it really doesn’t help that I have to constantly see this girl. I don’t know what to do. But what I do know is that I wouldn’t even want to live a day without him. I would really appreciate if someone could help me.

I wish I could be like most of the world and not cared about this subject. Unfortunately I do and I’m miserable and unhappy and wish I had never been born. There’s no way for me to ever have the life I wanted. I waited till I was 30. After ending a long relationship of 8 years I was prepared to give up on the idea of marriage. I didn’t want someone else’s wife. I figured I’d be like everyone else sleep around never get married and lead a happy single life. But I met a girl who told me she had sex once at 15 and got pregnant. She told me this because of the guilt she had over an abortion. She got to unload her guilt on me to make herself feel better. I don’t know why but I decided to suck it up it was just once she probably didn’t even remember it and she at least changed her mind and seemed to think the same as me. So I tried not to think about it and we married. She’s never been passionate to me never persude me a bit of a dead fish in bed. But I didn’t bother me since we both lacked experience. Then one day she was asking about my old girlfriend and I told her that she to had been pushed into sex one time but never did it again. She said that’s ridiculous no one has sex once and stops. I said you did. She looked like a deer in the headlights so I questioned her and she admitted to a couple more occasions. It hurt bad. To late we have kids. The only time she ever seemed to want sex was when she wanted kids once pregnant or was once a month or so. The only time she was ever passionate to me was when she went to her high school reunion she came home a little tipsy and was very passionate. Then the next day I hear talking on the phone to an old girlfriend how her ex chased her around all night guess it want me she was turned on by. Now recently I heard her talking to my teenage son about this ex that she had and dated for several years. I couldn’t believe it. I confronted her later that night she confessed to sleeping with him for 2 years. She had a boyfriend after him she had told me she never slept with but now I don’t believe it. I feel cheated on lied to and the whole 20 year marriage at this point to me is a joke. I know I was settled for now. She had never been kind or understanding or passionate toward me. I’ve always been treated like a mule. Now o feel like a complete jackass. People if you have a past be honest about it. Don’t lie and ruin someone else’s life to make yourself happy. I’m 56 now with no future and a past that’s all been a lie. As soon as my to oldest graduate high school I’m out of here. We haven’t had sex since I found out. The thought of another man in her disgusts me. She not my wife she’s his. She give him her virginity her first conception and a long term relationship. What because they didn’t exchange rings I’m her husband. Not in my book. I had to rethink everything. She in my book doesnt hold the same beliefs as me. She started having sex at 15 and continued that to me is disgusting. She got pregnant and although she thinks of herself as a good Catholic who was in catholic school at the time she aborted the baby. The limited amount of sex we had is ruined completely now cause we obviously we’re not experiencing what I thought we were together I don’t recommend waiting till marriage. It’s not worth it. Ruined my life. When I told her once that I had waited for her because I wanted her to be the only one she chuckled and said to me I didn’t have sex because I was scared. Talk about stabbing someone in the heart. Now I’d just like to say to her FUCK YOU WHORE. Should be outta here in a couple years. Wish I’d never been born ….. This life has been painful lonely and hurtful. Not for someone like me. All I ever wanted was one woman to give myself too to honor and take care of and protect with my life. So much for that.

I’ll put it this way. When I was 18 and showing up for my first day of college, virgin guys my age or slightly older (i.e, the guys in my dating pool) were still in reasonably good supply, including a lot of the cute guys. But by the time I graduated, the supply of “my age or slightly older” virgin guys had decreased significantly (the fact that a small number of us virgin gals weren’t putting out didn’t stop other gals from putting in a little overtime and doing what we wouldn’t do). Within the Christian sub-culture on campus, the virgin guys were either getting married quickly (so as no to have to keep waiting) or were willingly allowing themselves to “fall victim” to the gals who had no problem with going all the way. So here I am, almost 26. Yes, there are still some virgin guys that are my age or older, but reality is that there aren’t enough of them to go around. Then there is the “mutual attraction” thing; just because a guy is a virgin it doesn’t mean that I’m going to be interested in dating him (for many of the virgins, the “reason” they are still virgins has nothing to do with their morals or religion). The thing is, that if I find a particular 26 year old guy attractive in the “I want to date him” way, in the 10 years prior there have been plenty of other young ladies pass through his life who also found him attractive. He’s dated before. He’s been kissed before. The same things that are pressing my buttons today, pressed somebody else buttons when he was 16, 18, 24, or even the day before I met him. And odds are that at least one of those gals along the way was willing to let him (or even encouraging him) put his penis in her vagina when it was her button that got pushed. So, I’ve accepted reality. If I’m going to have romance in my life, if I’m going to get married one day in my future, the odds are that the guy isn’t going to be a virgin.

Gf never had sex but did perform oral sex on her ex, I’m soo mad. I don’t value the ex at all he is a terrible human being and if anything it makes her value lower in my eye. The worst thing is I feel like she made me do sexually things that I was happy to do cause I really love her, but then I found out about ex and feel like she trapped me. The sad thing is she also now stopped and claims she wants to be more religious. When I bring it up she defends her past saying it made her who she is, I cannot accept this. Why can’t she just admit it was a mistake.

I wish i could say this helped me, but it really didn’t. My ex-girlfriend had quiet an extensive past. One that she lied about, to be with me. Now i regret the whole relationship. I was more intimate with them than anyone else, but luckily help om to my virginity.

I still have this gut wrenching feeling of regret and hurt, and even still i miss her. It’s horrible

This is hands down the dumbest article I’ve ever read on the entire internet- it literally spells out why “No sex until marriage” is a completely meaningless gesture, yet somehow insists you should still do it anyway.. just because, I guess.

And this people, is the reason why nobody bothers doing it. It’s a completely silly, self-sabotaging decision that nobody (including this very site) cares about. Most people in successful lifelong marriages never did it. Most churches regard it as a forgivable, cleansable sin anyway. So you might as well free yourself and enjoy life pursuing a relationship that you actually get everything out of, and enter marriage for more thoughtful reasons instead of finally getting to actually have sex with your (hopefully by definition) LONG TERM PARTNER.

@Actual Nice Guy: Take another look at this website. Nowhere will you see something that “insists” you should wait till marriage. This is a support site for people who CHOOSE to wait till marriage.

It’s not trying to convince anyone that they should wait. It’s helping those who have decided to wait. In this case, it’s trying to help people who might have difficulty accepting that their partner’s had sex before.

You’re not going to see anything that says, “You must wait till marriage” on this site, other than some of the members’ own opinions in the forums. This site was started by an agnostic, not by someone who thinks that you “need” to wait till marriage.

@Jegsy.
Wrong- if that were true, and the site is about “supporting people’s choices”, this article would address people’s REASONS for making said choice (you know, the whole basis that choice exists?).
It never does, and simply commands the reader to try to sweep their feelings under the rug and keep dating this person with a brave face, and completely ignore the entire contradictory situation.

@Actual Nice Guy: This article BEGINS by acknowledging that not everyone who waits till marriage is going to want to date someone who didn’t wait too – that you may or may not end up dating someone who didn’t wait “depending on how picky you are” about who you date. There ARE people (on the site’s own forums, for example) who only want to date people who also waited.

Only once the article has acknowledged that not everyone will date a non-waiter, it then goes on to give advice for those who have decided they WILL date one, but are struggling with the fact that they didn’t wait like them.

It’s perfectly fine for someone to read the article introduction, or even the whole thing, and decide, “Actually, I don’t think dating a non-waiter is for me.” That’s okay. It just means this article is not really aimed at you.

I don’t think the article is trying to force anyone to carry on a relationship with someone who didn’t wait if they don’t want to.

Yes Jegsy- it starts with literally one vague ambiguous phrase “depending on how picky you are” before completely ignoring it and launching on the rest of the article, which accidentally contradicts most of the reasons for waiting.

@Actual Nice Guy: What do you see that contradicts “most of the reasons for waiting”? The only thing I can see it “contradicting” is if someone’s reason for waiting is because they want their spouse to have also had no sexual experience, and this article is reminding people that that’s not the only thing that matters.

Again, if that IS your only reason for waiting, then it’s fine to just decide that the article doesn’t apply to you.

Ther is this guy who broke my viginity.he promiced that he wont leave me if we having sex.and i slept with him lyk 3 times after that he never talked to me 4 almost 5 month when i inbox him he jct says what do u want.and even put a profile pictute of his girlfrnd.i loved him a lot but then i gave up…can u help guyz

Hi, to those of you who feel pained by the truth of your significant other already having sex, it’s fine because nobody’s perfect. Plus she/he has experience and can guide you sexually, trust me fellas, embrace it✌

Almost a year later, and I’m here again with an update. The guy and I are still best friends, I didn’t end up moving across country, and now we’re dating. He thinks we’re boyfriend and girlfriend… I’m still a but uneasy with the idea. Turns out he has baggage on top of his baggage on top of his baggage. My ‘date’ has been recovering from a mental illness on top of being with a couple of girls in the past. I’m so ready to just have some experience in the sexual arena, I’m almost 21 now and can’t stand the fact that I’ve held myself back from experiencing sexuality with a partner. I literally want to go back to my past self and slap her in the face for being so overly cautious about letting anyone close to her. I should’ve experienced A LOT more than I have. I should’ve gone out late night partying, gone to prom, graduated with my class, kissed a boy at 15/16/17 and later find out he was a douche (or not!), I should’ve had sex because now I feel alienated from the rest of the world. More power to the people who are secure enough in themselves to wait until marriage.

I’m screwed up because of it, thinking it was the right thing for me. It was just another way of building a wall… 🙁

Wrong again Jegsy- I’m not ‘waiting’ at all. As for you point- if virginity doesn’t matter, then it naturally applies that your message to people that are ‘saving themselves’ should be to stop doing it?

And that aside, if it’s not addressed to people that save themselves because they put a value on virginity, who is it addressed to? What’s the point?

Hey I just randomly found this article and I really liked it. I’m not actually saving myself for marriage, that was never my plan. I just wanted to save myself for someone I actually love and is actually special. Which means I kinda placed it so high on a pedestal I feel really nervous about the idea of possibly choosing the wrong guy. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year, and the whole time I’ve been trying to be ok with his past. Honestly I needed to hear everything in this article, cause it’s all true. Whether I continue waiting or not, I know he is ok with it. Cause deep down I know he believes what I do ‘sex is should be with the one you love, not whoever just happen to hook up with’ and if it takes years for me to be comfortable then it’ll be worth it someday

I’ve been with a guy for 2 years and it’s bothering me so much he had sex with his ex 4 or 5 years ago, when he was 15 or 16. I’ve been dating him longer than he was ever with her, but I literally cannot stop thinking about it and torturing myself over it. I’m almost 18 and he’s 20 and we’ve been dating since he was 18 and I was 16, it just really bothers me that he did that with someone that he wasn’t with nearly as long and hasn’t done it with me. He seems regretful about it and only had sex with that one girlfriend (he’s had 4, including me) but I keep imagining them having sex everytime he mentions her. Our relationship is obviously stronger than his was with her since it’s lasted so much longer, but I can’t get over the fact that it happened. When we first started dating, he was just like “sorry I’m not a virgin” and upfront about it without me asking, and asked if I was ok with it, and I said I was. But I’m really not ok with it and I keep stalking his ex’s social media and I’m filled with so much disgust for her having taken his virginity.

I am an old bastard compared to my girlfriend who is young and- a Christian virgin. This last point is upsetting me everytime when i see a happy couple passing by on the street, feeling that I am missing out on an elementary ingredient of a relationship seemingly being enjoyed by everyone on this earth but me. Well I am a German and she is Vietnamese, so i am starting to believe that I got lost in a different cultural world of which I was not so aware of before. She is by far the most beautiful gf I ever had so I don’t want to give her up, but this jealousy on other couples’ fulfilled sex life which I was so used to before is killing me and I am saying to my brother and close friends that we have great sex because I like to envisage an acceptable situation and also people would think I am stupid because I fall for a virgin (though it’s not completely my fault as she said in the beginning that she is “very mature” which turned out to be completely misinterpreted by me later on..). But I am happy with her. Just often I think i cannot deal with the permanent displeasedness. It’s cute from her thinking coming *somehow* between her legs could really satisfy an experienced man genuinely, but she doesn’t know that real sex makes you a vampire who basically hates drinking water for good.. of course i cant tell her that, she would be unhappy thinking she cannot satisfy me. However I can satisfy her quite well, so she really enjoys all the touching happening at bed time! That’s because girls can come clitoral – ideally suited for virgins and even maybe biologically provisioned for this case, but there is nothing similar provisioned for men! Or does anyone know a “method” accepted in the Christian-Vietnamese world that I could ask her for (i am coming off the topic now..). Anyways, i can’t of course blame her for my sexual frustration that even starts to change my character – i am starting to get unconsciously aggressive in public (when she is not with me, as i would be happy then). Any advise greatly appreciated – i want to rationalize my situation and behavior, and as i grew up in an environment where virgins over 18 were basically extinct, my “virgin relationship” is nothing i can apply common sense to, so I am very confused 🙁

Can I ask you a question…let’s just say your dating a guy and he is 8 years older than you and he said he wants to have sex with you but you are still a virgin and he is not….what should you do
Break up with him or continue dating him

I´ve read several defintations of what being a virgin actually is, and although I have always considered myself a virgin I may not be one completely anymore as I have had oral done on me when I was 21 with my ex.
I did research on this, but it now bothers me a lot less since I am also not 100% pure anymore just on that fact.

Anyways, I dated 2 virgins(girls who had never done penetration or oral) before dating the girl I am dating now who is a non-virgin who went all the way sadly. Unfortunately, even though she lost it in a legitimate relationship, the guy is a total scumbag who kept lying to her and just used her for his pleasure. She realized this with me as we were looking back on some older messages and emails she had on an older account.
What bothers me is that she gave everything to that person who wasn´t worth it at all, and I still have some more to give. She only told me she wasn´t a virgin one day when we both confessed we liked each other and wanted to date after being close friends for a couple of months. I always thought it was likely she would still be a virgin since she is very distanced from guys and is a religious Christian. So in a way, I always regretted that I created an unreal expectation of her in my head. Knowing that I am also non-virgin makes it less bad, but it still hurts because I am serious with this person. She had sex 2 years before i lost “mine” with one guy in a long relationship(about 4 yrs), and she also did oral to another scumbag after that ex.
My girlfriend doesn´t really value my virginity I feel, because she doesn´t want to feel pain or guilt for her past actions, I believe. But as said in the article, making her feel bad about it could come at a higher cost. However, she did push me to do a lot of things a lot sooner that I felt comfortable. I was about to break up with her at that point because She was going too quickly and she was pressuring me a lot. This was in the first months of dating, but we talked about it very seriously, and I decided to try to be more flexible and I settled for some things but not actual sex. I told her for that she has to wait till marriage, and she agreed.
So far, I feel she is the best looking GF I´ve ever had, but I feel it comes at a price. We are very compatible in many ways, and she tries hard to be flexible and to understand me most of the time. However, there are also other things besides her sexual history that bug me, one is that she has anger management issues and tends to get worked up and snap at me too often for my tastes(this consistently happens once every 2-3 weeks). I feel like she should feel happy that I am accepting her with her history and that I deserve better than to be treated like trash during those times, because I feel I give her a lot of my time, and I have also given her a lot sexually(more than I have given any other girl before). So when she hurts me it hurts even more.
She is also forcing me to become a Christian, as she can´t marry someone who isn´t, according to her views. This isn´t something I am 100% against, but I feel it should be optional. I am trying to go to church with her, but I honestly feel she is asking too much of me. We are both in our late twenties now, and I am looking for something long term, I am worried my marriage time is running out(finding a wife).

Besides the sexual history, the anger management, and the Christian thing most other things are doing well. I feel like she listens to me and dedicates a lot of time to me, she is interested in what I like and often tries to engage in my hobbies and passtimes. She is also very smart and sweet. I also feel that in the past month or so, she has really tried to reduce the anger with me, which is unwarranted all of the time. I am just not sure if I want to change religion just for her, and if settling for someone who was done more than me sexually is right for me.

Maybe I should just take it easy and enjoy the good aspects of the relationship. In the meantime, I want to judge how she is treating me when she gets angry, and see if it is really getting better or not. She told me the origins of her anger management is that her family was abusive, and she does not want a man to ever treat her bad or snap at her, so she defensively first attacks the man to avoid getting treated badly. She also offended her scumbag ex on many occasions and frequently compares my behavior to his with regards to her snapping out. Her ex always stayed quiet when she snapped, but it was because he was just using her and it was the “price” he was paying as nothing is free. I talked to her about this recently, and hope to see if her behavior really changes.

Any advice is welcome. These things are very personal and I do not want to tell my friends that she is a non-virgin or the circumstances about her scumbag ex(its a really sad, shameful story I don´t even want to share here).

Many times I feel if this is what I really deserve. I may not have been perfect, but I tend to be very conservative. Outside of my 3 serious relationships, I have never kissed, or anything more with other girls. While my girlfriend of now did kiss and touched(and let herself be touched) by many guys, both exs and non-ex (but only had sex with one ex for many years before me).

If I let her go, will I find someone that is truly compatible with me? I have dated virgins before, but we weren´t compatible. I also did not really realize how rare virgins REALLY are.

I met my wife while at college. I was the virgin nerd and she the busy pretty one. We are now married for 20 years and have been together for 25. She gave me 2 lovely now nearly adult children. She is the love of my life. From the start we shared all the secrets. In a small community it is important. You do not want to be at the town social and listen to other men discussing the blond in the tight jeans and what they did to her. She is my wife. So she was busy and I was not. We did not wait until marriage.
Looking back, I would like to give some advice to especially the younger not yet married couples out there.
Change the 5 points in the post to a complete inverse. e.g. You with experience, do not hold it against your new inexperienced partner that the first couple of times are an absolute mess and rarely last more than a few minutes. They can not yet swing from the ceiling fan and do weekends of crazy acrobatics. Please teach them if they are not connecting the dots in the right fashion.
Stay appreciative to the fact that they do not have a sexual past as they can not do anything about it know. Unless you are willing to let them go, get experience and then return to you.
etc.
Lastly. You are taking this persons V card. Weather you are male or female. You might have had 10 partners before and have deflowered half of them. But remember this is his or hers first time and it needs to be memorable for that person. You have an huge task in this regard.

This I would say was my only problems with my wife being experienced. She was not really into helping me through my fumbling stages. And I think it made her miss the more experienced previous partners. And lastly. She did not have much compassion for me the first time we did it. Some bad referencing.

Remember all you waiters out there. In 25 years from now when you talk about your first time. She will be thinking of it, but not you. Just make sure you are her last.

this time last year,this guy i liked asked me out.i told him about the no sex stuff and his reply was that he would definitely cheat when the urge comes, and that he does not want such in the relationship. so i told him we can’t date.but he still kept in touch and was always there when i need him. now he is back again,asking me to date him.i stood my ground. but i like this guy and want to date him badly. i have not been in any relationship because of this. am 19 and i need to experience this dating stuff but without sex. is this not possible? will i date no one till i marry? it is boring. my friends are all dating.advice pls

This helped me a bit, but I still don’t feel like I’ll get over it. I’m currently in a relationship (my first one ever) and I’m going to be 18 soon. I’m a virgin and she’s not but she’s only been with one other guy. I don’t like torturing people over their past but at the same time if it’s really that important to you (that you find a virgin because you yourself are one) then you need to think about what you are going to do. If you’re actually going to breakup over it or not. There are a lot of factors in your relationship besides just someone being a virgin. Like what did they exactly do? And with how many people? If it bothers you a lot then don’t be afraid to ask the person you’re dating what they’ve done in detail because you should be able to talk about anything with them. If they are a kindhearted person who loves you more than they can say and tells you they want a future with you and to marry you and they are quite compatible with you and they have been with only 1 other person then you should very much consider staying with them. But if they’re not the nicest to you and you have a good amount of differences and they’ve had sex with let’s say 5 or more other guys/girls then you should really consider finding someone else. It’s up to you to decide how many people is too many (even if that number is 1) when it comes to sex. Sometimes anecdotal information can be the best. I hope this helped someone feel a little bit better even if it’s only a little because I know how much this can affect you and how you think about the person you’re dating.. It can be like slow torture you can’t escape but you just can’t bring yourself to breakup with them because you feel so bad about doing it over this alone… I hope all goes well for you. May you find true happiness. Thank you for reading.
Sincerely,
LightObscurity

“…you might end up with some whose sexual history is 5 times worse!” I think this is BS because you make the assumption that “Oh well, could be worse..” when in fact there could be someone out there that is just like you in your thinking about sex and relationships and believes on waiting for marriage/long term relationships – whatever. It basically comes down to you either settle for it or you keep looking – but not by the method of “other people could just be worse!”

I was a virgin when I got married to my non-virgin husband. He’s been with several ppl before we got married including an ex wife. He has two kids from the ex wife and a kid from one of his gfs. The horrible emotions I go through every day is so hard for me. He has a lot of wonderful qualities about him and I love him SO VERY MUCH. But I feel like I need to take a very strong dose of antidepressants just to number the pain I feel thinking of him already being with several other ppl. I can understand about kids from ans ex wife but a kid he is still going to court over that is not from an ex wife makes me feel awful. Like I don’t think I can ever truly feel comfortable around that child when I see him bc every time I’ll see him I’ll always picture my husband and her having sex and making that baby. In the same bed I sleep with my husband in. I don’t know what to do. He says he doesn’t regret his past bc it has led him to me in a way that feels nice but also very awful cuz he doesn’t regret it.

I’m in a relationship with my wife, it’s been marriage for 2 years. I met her as I was a virgin. She wasn’t. I was expecting someone to have waited…i too had some serious pain for a long time. I had pain because I had a lack of knoeledge. I got over the 2 guys eventually. Took a while. She told me that she had sex at 15 and with this guy she was an ex to when I met her. Within the marriage, I found out that I’m actually guy number 11, she gave me HPV will full knowledge–so much premarital sex. (Around 100 times esptimate before me [age 19]) keeping me in the dark and she was having sex with her ex as we were “talking”. She would get angry when I asked about her past and be defensive. Stupid little girl problems. Stupid little boy problems. We are now 23 years old with THE BEST PERFECTED AMAZING RELATIONSHIP even with her past. Praise God. The only thing I would change are my little boy reactions.

The real answer comes from understanding this: You need to change your delusion.( The way your mind thinks and what you perceive in order of importance)
God is getting live feed of everything you experience.EVERYTHING even your thoughts.
This life is a whisp…and your rewards for righteousness are amazing, especially dealing with great pain and things that seem to be against you personally. Over coming is extraordinary and few people simply decide it. It is easy if you train your mind to make it so.
Everything that is big to us is Small to HIM.
Any sins are first and foremost against him. The answers to the pain are:
Leave her/him OR work it through and overcome. simple answers. But understand this, even if it takes 10 years of intense work for someone to come to Christ…its no way in vein.
No matter how you feel–do not bring up the past. Forgiveness is obtained to the fullest when nothing is brought up about it in the heart. That is now you know if you have forgiven.
When ever you feel betrayed, think of this– “who was hurt first, God, my special someone or I?” Now who was hurt second? Obviously you or this special someone. Why would you/special someone be hurt? Is it selfishness?
Maybe you never understood the truth of self pitty being 100% useless and super not necessary for forgiveness.
Did you/not know or forget the power of Christ?

How much cheer happens in heaven when you are on the pedistool…you with your strength do so pull the wrong doer up and out of the muck, you clean them, bring them to the savior and present them as sinless?

Are we not supposed to remove ourselves from us?
Forgive them for they know not EVER regardless of feeling/knowledge of what they do. There is no way that they would have known what is truly good no matter how convinced or for what reason they had for doing it. Plain and simple anyone who has had premarital sex DID NOT/DOES NOT KNOW something crutial. What ever it is, their mind wasnt/isnt tuned correctly.

Again these actions aren’t against YOU. they are against HIM–You as a human, precious to God get the privilege of experiencing it. Whether you get stabbed and die, yes it is the body you are in, but it is rightfully his soul, his body and his spirit that he gave you for the test of obtaining his way for perception, his way of understanding…his way of love and POWER and going through and truly presenting it from your heart in the form of physical action.

The pain isn’t yours–it isn’t your jealousy/anger/fear This is a hand-me-down from your decision of perception.

The only thing That is souly attached to you until death is your decision making.
Your name won’t even remain the same after death.

The real perception is that your body is not your own, we are experiencing both sides of the knowledge of good and evil and we are in charge of our decisions for the grand test given by God in his hopes of us passing with flying colors.

These events that come into our existence (our range of senses) taste touch smell etc including damage, memory, fake thoughts… have nothing to do with yourselves. Depart from it all for you have power to decide.

We are at war with the principalities…not people or spouces.
If a girl had sex and that girl is your wife, your bodies are not your own, the memories are not yours or hers alone, it all came with a price that was already paid…

Give give give. Don’t ever expect anything from anyone. Humble yourselves especially for YOUR BEST FRIEND. Your husband/wife is your best friend.. no matter what they do within the marriage, no matter how damaging or how seaminly againt you their affair or what ever it is, was—it isnt worth giving up thier soul. Committing 1 little tiny sin dooms us in every sin infinitely. Thank GOD we have Christ.

Oh and if something about sexual past ends up bothering you still–over ride sexual past with current sex. Sex is also a powerful tool! It is a weopon of righteousness. It is a tool like a hammer. Use it when you need it, not just when you want it. In this, force the decision to compromise if need be. The compromise is this, For example: the man says I want to have sex, it will help me connect with you and rid my mind of these thoughts. The woman thinks about how she feels, possibly mopes about the situation, rethinks what he is saying and realizes his goal (to grow as a stronger couple) and ends up justifying her negligence of premarital sex as a necessary compromise…for she is humble, doesn’t look to gain, and gives.

Now it doesn’t have to be the woman who does the compromising in a situation like that.

My personal situation is that I am a blessed man for I prayed for a woman who understood me. She messed up yes, and now I get to have her when I want as compromise for it strengthens us. That’s what we agreed to. but the cool thing is—sex is is really for the woman from the man doing work. Win win and she loves me, it, us, AND HIM. And she doesn’t regret any yes’ lol.

I really need help. I’ve been married for 5 years and with my wife for ten years before that. We have two children with another on the way. I was 24 and a virgin when we met but my wife wasn’t and had had five sexual partners. I’ve always hated her past and we rowed about it many times, however it generally seemed to stay in the background.

For the last few months I’ve been unable to think about anything other than her past. It kills me to think of the mother of my children having had sex with other men. I know this is completely irrational and after such a long relationship also illogical but this is where we are at. I can’t look st her the same way and we are having real difficulties. Our marriage feels like it will never be the same again. I know this is my issue but has anyone ever had professional help about this? I feel at my wits end

Hi
I think the solution is to ask from the very beginning the sexual status of the person that caught your attention. It may sound rude but at least it won’t torment you as long as you didn’t invest much time or feelings yet. So just ask the person you’re into right after you have the confirmation that he or she shares more or less your feelings. If sex is such an ordinary thing and it does not matter at all, according to the non-virgin opinions, asking that won’t be rude at all. It would be like: “Hey, do you have a match?” “Nope, sorry, i don’t smoke.” “Oh well. Thank you anyway. Bye.” No anger, no torment, no nothing. Just asking. Would you suffer if you knew from the beginning ? Would the non-virgin feel punished ? Of course not. None of you put enough soul into the future relationship yet, so that would be the perfect moment to ask and find out.

But no, here in our world, in our society we consider rude things like that. First you need to fall in love, you have to prove that you really are into and committed to that person, etc. And you find yourself most tied to that person then bang! here is what you get wrapped into the virtue of honesty: a nice and rich sexual past confession that should not bother you at all because sex is normal. Straight in the face. And then we talk about pride, low self confidence, poison, happiness, torture, true love and all kind of great things and how shallow and immature is the virgin that gets annoyed by the truth and how much the non-virgin suffers because of the virgin. This is craps that could be avoided from the very beginning if the so called “experienced” person would say: “Hey, i like you (too) but i am not virgin anymore. Is that ok with you?”
Why do you think things don’t happen like this? Is it because sex is a big deal after all? Is it because of selfishness? Bad timed honesty is as bad as any lie.

The reason i think that things should be clarified as early as possible is because (sexual) experience is not visible like a big fat ass or a big fat belly. If you are not into big fat persons you don’t even try to estabilish a relation with them. So what if you are not into persons that have a sexual past? You have the right to be spared of all the trouble that comes with finding it, no matter if you are virgin or not, right ?

Whaahah Jessica dats a guy who already did it when he was 1 what the hell. and he say’s he wish he could take it back what a lie’s you know if you just wait till you actually old enough and not just 14 or 18 or something then those things will not happen. And shure i bet he didn’t even wanted to just sex right because he is sucha good guy. jeeszs girls are relly F up these last years.
we have waaay tooo many dumb dirty teen thong sluts in this world!! dating loser pervs who aren’ts even a virgin anymore soo gross you want trash like that!!

I’m proud to be a 30yr old virgin & I’m very comfortable with my decision to wait for my God given husband. I’ve never felt pressured to lose my virginity because true love not lust has always been my ultimate goal. I don’t care if the guy I like is a virgin or not. I don’t even care about his sexual past or number of partners, my only concern is finding my true love. I’m upfront with guys from the beginning about what I’m looking for & who I am so they’re not caught off guard or disappointed later. I respect their sexual status & I expect them to respect mine too. But I’ve never found the one who respects my virginity. They all say they admire me for it in the beginning but it never lasts. They’ve even told me “it’s nice to have a lady who hasn’t been with everybody”, but ironically they never place themselves in that same category.

I wish that every guy who ever told me that they didn’t mind me waiting…actually meant it. Each guy I gave a chance always thought there was some kind of time limit for my chastity belt to unlock. I said from the beginning I’m looking for true love & my husband. And they all tried to change my mind & failed. They pretended to be in love with me after a week of dating…I saw right thru it. I’ve had several guys use the l-word & didn’t even know my middle name yet.

Guys tried to rush intimacy without even knowing me yet. It’s crazy. They’re only agenda is SEX…making love isn’t even in their vocabulary! I want to make love with my husband, my true who I know, trust & respect. But these guys forgot all about what I told them or thought they could change my mind. I don’t want some Wham Bam Thank You Mam…I want intimacy. I’m no prude, I’m comfortable & enjoy my sexuality. I have fantasies just like anyone else except in my fantasies it’s about making love. I enjoy real intimacy that won’t just last 5 to 8 minutes “, I love holding my man, massages, hugging, kissing, cuddling & soft sincere touches. I want sincerity from my mate & that’s exactly what these guys won’t offer me. After 3 days I’ve had guys who had like a magic chastity belt removal checklist they would run thru, each guy would try to kiss me for about 10 secs, “whether the mood was right or not”, 5secs later they kissed my neck for about 15secs then I felt want wandering hands going straight to “only for my husband’s land” No intimacy whatsoever. They’re so focused on trying get to sex that they never noticed me pushing them away until I had to forcefully say no, then they’re feelings got hurt. Then they have the nerve to now tell me that saving virginity isn’t so admirable after all. That they wouldn’t marry without trying me out first or that they had wasted their time trying to be with me. It’s pitiful. they loved everything about me except for the no sex thing, even had a few try to come back later because I was such a cool chick though. When I bring up the “I thought you said you liked me being a virgin”, they act clueless.

Stop wasting my time by pretending that you’re cool with me being a virgin. There’s no time limit or time out for my virginity. My virginity isn’t a game, respect it or leave me alone.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for the past six months & I too told him when we started dating that I was saving myself for marriage. And my guy also said admired that quality in me. But I made sure to ask him if he was sure that he wanted date a virgin because like you there’s not a time limit on my virginity either. He agreed but now seems to be backtracking on it so now I kind of feel like I’m being played. He has like zero patience for me now, can’t cuddle with me for five minutes without him turning aggressive. It’s at the point now where it’s like our kisses & hugs are fake on his part because they feel forced or don’t last. He doesn’t wait for me to kiss him back he just starts trying to force his tongue down my throat & doesn’t understand why I’m not turned on yet. It’s almost like I’m not even there like he’s trying to use my body for some release that I’ve already told him I can’t give him.

And yes I agree with you that it feels like some guys run thru a checklist to get in your pants and it’s completely void of intimacy. My boyfriend basically acts like he’s doing me a favor by kissing me or holding my for a couple of seconds. And that makes me doubt his feelings for me to the point where I don’t trust anything he says now. He claims that me waiting for marriage isn’t realistic in this day and time. He’s like your guy & says he needs to try me out first like I’m a car or something. He says that’s how we’ll really get to know each other & fall in love. I made a point to debate his theory by saying are you in love “right now” with the other girls you’ve tried out? Did you marry either one of them? And after he started getting annoyed by my reasonable questions I kept going because I want him to understand why my virginity isn’t a game to me. Because it obviously is to him. I asked him what sense does it make for me or any other woman to let a man “try us out first” to see if things will work. You’ve tried out multiple women and it didn’t work out…what were those girls left with in the end?

Hope I really feel your struggle I had started thinking I was the only one going thru this. I think I’m going to break up with him because he’s pressuring me more & more. Last night he said we might as well not cuddle anymore because I’ll be the only one “getting off”. After saying that crap I don’t understand how’d he think I’d be turned on by him anyway. Truthfully, I haven’t been turned on sexually by him because he is too aggressive. I’ve dated him for six months trying to get to know him and from what I saw and learned I really liked him. But this side I hate. I’ve heard folks say that sex is the icing on the cake, it makes the cake better. He’s made my cake bitter without me even trying it first.

Wish you luck Hope, there’s someone right out there. Who won’t have to let “try us out”

To everyone who reads this hold on to your purity as long as you are a virgin. Your virginity is a precious gift and once you give it away it can never come back. You live with the regret of not waiting for the rest of your life. Don’t lower your standards for the sake of love or wanting to be accepted because eventually you will have to deal with the shame of being rejected. Know your worth.

To those of us who would already had sex, keep praying for a breakthrough. Ask God to restore your mind and your self worth. We are precious in his eyes. I know sometimes we feel worthless because of the choices we made but God doesn’t look at what we were but what we can become as long as we allow him to shape us over.

Hi Mike
I am a virgin and I kinda fell for a guy whom I thought to be a virgin too. He and I fell in love accidentally
..I know he loves me and he treats me well..We know each other since one year and have been hanging out together for past 8 months…and last month I finally agreed to get in a relationship with him…He is my first boy friend ..He had told me earlier that he had 2 girlfriends in the past but both of them cheated on him…He also said that they did nothing more than just holding hands…But after accepting his proposal one day I asked him randomly have you kissed before he said yes…And I came to know he is not even virgin…He told me she was not his girlfriend but a class mate and he was in 8th that time…He said we were kids,alone and were watching porn so it happened ..and i don’t want to recall that…I asked how many times..he said only once and he told me he wanted to tell me about this but since I was a virgin he thought I would leave him if he said so…He also said but after getting in a relationship he doesn’t want to lie to me or hide anything…I told him I want to break up and stay friends only…he said as u wish…but I couldn’t stay angry on him so I forgave him..And he’s my boyfriend… But this thing really bothers me ..I know it was a past mistake but still I am not able to neglect it

I’m a 21 year old virgin in a long distance relationship with a 22 year old single mom. I love her so damn much its insane. Never loved any other girl this much before. Thing is I got a quick temper and whenever i recollect her past sexual relationships i lash out at her which is totally unfair. I’m learning to cope with the circumstances but occasionally i passive aggressively give her the cold shoulder and not respond to her texts and calls. I’m trying to let go of all the anger built up inside of me so i often watch motivational videos. I stumbled upon this article and honestly it helps me feel i can finally put her past where it belongs, in the past. If you’re questioning whether or not to pursue a relationship with someone due to their sexual history, just know that it could be worse with somebody else. We’re in a world where perfection has ceased to exist. We just have to make do of our situation and hope for the best. To everyone else out there holding their v-card till marriage i congratulate u on such strong will power you possess. Just know you’re not alone.

I been in relationship with girl for 8 years and given my all to her with love care and financial support and she would like to go for China and try new job there I supported her after 3 months I found out she is with her childhood teacher son and shared once bed with him what shall I do if she accepting her mistake and want to be with me should I forgive her and back with her in relationship or discard her from my life please anybody help me I feel to suicide

Thank you so much for this! I freaking love my boyfriend and he repect me but my mind can’t stop overthinking about his sexual past. Though he had sex once and kiss a girl and I had oral sex with bunch of guys and kissed all of them I have save my virginity. He’s planning to marry me after his board exams and I know that he’s the one I wanna love. I wrote a letter for him about this and will talk to him. It will be a great help for both of us to dicuss this.

Thank you so much for this. Actually, I’ve been going through this right now. I’m dating a guy who’s 11yrs older than me (I know that it’s a big age gap but I love him so much so idc about the age). And he’s had sex before (Ofc anyone would have at that age). And I’m a virgin. But weirdly, his past keeps bothering me. Like the flashing of images of him and his ex and stuff that you mentioned is happening to me right now. Jealousy, insecurities, heart pain and anger rose up in me. My heart seriously feels like it’s beinh stabbed. I’ve nvee felt this kinda feeling before and it’s just painful. But i love him very much and I’m trying my best not to overreact or overthink on this because that is just past, something I cannot change. And I was searching for ways to help myself calm down and how not to think about these stuff. Luckily, found this. Thank you very much. I seriously don’t want his past to bother me. But it keeps coming on my mind no matter how much try. Still then, I’ll try.
Thank you.

Hello, I’m a virgin and I’ve met this girl I like soooo much I want to lose my virginity to her. I’ve met her at work, however, I am the third person at work who’s she’s been with. The first is her ex boyfriend; she lost his virginity to him and they were together for a year about 3 years ago and are now good friends, and this person is lovely and this doesn’t bother me too much. It’s the second one that really bothers me, this bloke who brags about how much sex he gets a week, claiming to have slept with loads, one of them her. If was a one night stand which she says she regrets. Overall she’s had sex with about 5 different people before me, two at work who I see all the time. I can’t shake off the fact that this bloke who’s like a pulling machine has been with her, even though she hated it. It kind makes me feel less special, cause to me she is special hence why I want to lose it to her, but the thought of this makes me feel sick and I really want to shake off cause I r want to be in a relationship
Thank you very much for the earlier responses I found them really helpful

If you are a virgin DO NOT have a relationship or God forbid, Marry and Non-Virgin. You will regret it the rest of your life – images never leave it doesn’t matter how many years you’ve been together. We live in one of the most immoral societies today where sex is presented as no big deal. It’s a shame really.

Holly fucking shit,i have been in a relationship with 4 different girls before her, and have had sex with them countless times and despite the fact that she is my fifth girlfriend and she had sex only once in her life before we met, i still cant be able to deal with the fact that she is not a virgin.
what tha fuck is this feeling, why cant it get out of my head?!!
am dead.

It’s tough to place much value on a girl who’s likely had several loads of jizz blasted in her face, I mean how can you really feel good about a girl that’s let at least a dozen guys put their junk in her mouth and sucked on it until she got their spunk in her belly. Yea that’s not my idea of a girl to love and cherish, but unfortunately that is exactly the history of the average girl today and many are much filthier than that. Girls in high school that bragged about being at a party where they gave head to several different guys one after another or telling about having sex with 3 guys at once. No thanks, to me those girls have nothing of value left because they are morally corrupted.

I have a girl who I really really care about. She is amazing to me and does everything I want/am looking for in a girl. I am still having a problem with her sexual past. I keep thinking I have this amazing girl but she is like a used car. I have asked her about it and she said it was a mistake but it wasn’t like he convinced her to do it, she told me she pushed him down all the times and did all the work because she wanted his penis inside her (sorry not trying to be graphic).

I have told her about my concerns of stds (due to ex and being raped, I don’t take offense to this, the rape isn’t apart of the issue I have) and she got tested for me. I told her I don’t want to be a mistake or have her think bad about herself if we have sex and we break up, she said I would never be a mistake like her ex and she would never regret it, which gives me concerns because then the guy she dated( didn’t even love) for 5 years (her ex) wouldn’t be a mistake either because she chose to do it. Also she tells me she is very religious but can’t abstain from sex, that doesn’t add up either.

I know it’s not cause I’m jealous because all the times we are kissing and such she is the one who pulls down her pants and try’s (very hard) to get me to have sex with her, so I know I can have it. I just can’t get over her screwing so guy who she didn’t care about (supposedly). Please no grow up comments either, I need seriously help on what I should do

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