Chelsea’s new £21.1m signing, Pedro, has revealed why he turned his back on a move to Manchester United. He cited the “intense pressure” of batting his idol, Ashley Young, for the left-wing position as the sole reason for his switch to Chelsea. “I left Barcelona so I could be a guaranteed starter,” he told the assembled media at his unveiling. “As uncle Rico always says: ‘If you cannot dislodge Neymar and Messi, how can you expect to compete with Young?’ He is right, I cannot. I will battle against Cuadrado instead. He’s shit.”

Pedro’s unveiling quickly turned into an hour-long homage to Young, as the Spaniard said: “I have won the Champions League, La Liga, the World Cup and the European Championship but there is a giant empty space in my trophy cabinet, where the Football League Championship playoff final trophy should be. While I do envy Ashley, I have not had the chance to play for Watford, yet.”

One reporter, almost in disbelief, asked Pedro if he was actually declaring an interest in playing for Watford. “I cannot answer that,” he said, before continuing to answer. “Are you asking me if I dream of one day wearing the famous yellow and black of The Hornets? Only a fool would deny such a thing.”

Xherdan Shaqiri on Stoke move.

Pedro was then questioned about why he placed Young on such a pedestal, when he hasn’t accomplished half of what Pedro himself has achieved. He laughed sinisterly, before saying: “The greatest trick Young ever pulled, was convincing the world he was shit. You think all those over-hit crosses, laughable dives and inability to beat the right-back was on purpose? You [the media] are all fools. Like chickens, with large talons.”

The Spanish forward also revealed some surprising secrets about his former club: “At Barcelona, no one dare say Ashley Young’s name in the presence of Messi. Lionel almost left the club when Barca failed to sign Young from Watford and again at Aston Villa. He constantly reminds Neymar: ‘You’re no Ashley Young’.”

Pedro speaking about Ashley Young.

After 57 minutes of speaking about Young, Pedro finally stated his ambitions for the coming season with Chelsea: “My aim is to win the fans’ Player of the Year Award. I ask all my fans to ‘please, vote for me, Pedro.’ I will possibly have some t-shirts made with my campaign slogan: ‘Vote for Pedro Eliezer Rodríguez Ledesma for the 2015/16 Barclays Premier League Fan’s Player of the Year award.’ It is catchy, no?”