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Author
Topic: The Boy That I Was Seeing - Some Last Words (Read 21178 times)

I'm not sure what to title this or what to say. I just spoke with Michael's neighbor, who just told me that he passed away sometime between yesterday and today. He hanged himself. Evidently, this was not the first such attempt, but it was the successful one. The coroner has just left his home, and they will now be performing an autopsy. Funeral arrangements will be forthcoming after the results of that.

I'm not sure what I feel right now as I type this, other than I need you people to be here now- on the receiving end of this post- more than I ever have. I've got this mixture of anguish and anger, and I am not sure how to process this.

He was extraordinarily stressed in recent weeks due to health concerns and other issues. He was uncertain about the status of what little work he had generated for himself to supplement the disability check he received. The word was that someone had reported him for the work and it was being looked into- a story that was still unverified when last we spoke. He was under extreme distress, worrying about finances and being able to keep his home. He was also anxious about the pending results from the tests he had (that I took him to) last Monday.

I don't know what to think or feel. He had told me that he really needed me in the last week or two. I was not as available as I had been. To put it bluntly: I was still riding high from my trip to San Francisco, and the cold & hard truth of it is that I was not ready to land back into the muck of our reality. I put him on hold, and I don't know how to feel about that right now. But, damn it- this cannot rest on my shoulders. We had only been involved for a little over two months. I don't think he would have meant for me to take it as such, but the finality of this makes such thoughts all but inescapable. I was calling this evening to tell him I would be by to see him tomorrow evening.

His phone had been cut off for a few days while he was struggling to get the bill paid up. I had called him through his neighbor's cell phone Wednesday night. She told me she would let him know by Thursday that I had called. I found out tonight that she had been working late and hadn't seen him until she found him today. So he did not know that I had actually tried to make contact throughout the week to check in on him. But I don't know that it would have made any difference.

First of all I don't really know what to say in such a situation, but I'll give it a go. As this was not the first attempt to do this, you can't look at it as if you really contributed to the situation, as it would have occurred anyway. He was not, as you related in previous posts, your boyfriend, but someone you were in the process of growing close to and trying to help in every way possible. You reached out to him, but he was already down a dark road. I know you're probably looking at it that way, or want to -- and I encourage you to do this. Please do not carry this weight on your own shoulders. I know that this doesn't make the situation much easier, as it's entirely unpleasant for sure. The bottom line is that you went away on a trip and took some to recoup, not cognizant of what was going on his Michael's head. A trip for which you had planned previous to having met him. And you're correct, he would not have wanted you to take what he did as some fault of your own.

He made this decision, and most likely you only know the tip of the iceberg of his torment. He has a bit of peace now, and I suppose you should look at this -- difficult as it may be -- as his own burden being lifted. We all know that this wretched disease is no joke, certainly further down the road as it is for many of us.

I'm not sure what you have to tap into down in Atlanta, but if this begins to overwhelm you I hope you continue to communicate about it here or locate someone for some one-one-one sessions. We are all here for you, that is for sure.

All I can say is that I am truly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you would be feeling right about now, prolly a few different ways. I would have to agree with Philly and say that this is not your fault. He had made the attempt before but it is sad that he chose this route when just getting to know you. Whatever it is you are feeling, just let it out, don't keep it in. We are all here for you...

I was so surprised to read of this. You must be so confused right now, but surely you must know this isn't something to blame yourself for. Michael's pain and worries ran deep, way deep, maybe too deep for even someone as caring as you to pull him back from. Its such a shame to read that this wasn't his first attempt, that he had gone down this road before, contemplating suicide.

I know that if I were you, I would be extremely overwhelmed right now. I cherish the new friends that come into my life these days, there aren't many, and I often find myself putting them first if they need my help. I often give advice and help where I can. You were really trying to help Michael get on his feet and to take care of himself, if I remember correctly from your other posts. You know you are a good person, you know this isn't your fault, and sadly, maybe you know that there was nothing that you could have done to prevent this. When someone is that depressed and that serious about taking their own life....well, its very frustrating to try to show them that things really can be alright.

I feel your struggle right now, and I wish you didn't have to be dealing with so many emotions tonight. This will take awhile before it leaves you. Please reach out to us, let us know your thoughts. I know you were so happy having just returned from SF and I am sorry that this situation has dampened your spirits. Remember that your intentions were good towards Michael, and that what you did while you knew him during two short months was to help him. It wasn't your job to save him, it just wasn't. I hope that you can understand that the seed was already planted, the despair was already there, since you said Michael had attempted this before.

I'm sending a big hug to you tonight. I wish I was there, I wish we were all there, to be with you in person to talk about this. Remember your friends from AMG SF and know that they are all here for you. I hope that you'll be OK.

I had a friend in L.A., who we all knew was suicidal. His HIV status, his relationship and his family all added up to his suicide.

On Valentines day one year, his mother was in the neighborhood bar with her son, some friends and we were talking. Mom, said her husband was going to kill himself that day so she... brought his gun to the bar. I saw the revolver in her bag. Her husband had a rifle in the closet and with some string and a toe, he managed to take his life that day.

The same husband had another son by a different wife. That son took his life on the following Valentines Day (overdose). The following VD, I got a call from Chrissy, he invited me to come to see his new apartment, which was around the corner from my house.

He was all moved in with his collection of Marilyn Monroe things all proudly displayed in his room. We went out for a drink that morning, and on to find someone who would do his taxes for that year. The tax preparation plans were the part that threw me... Someone planninng a suicide does not do their taxes first.

At 4:00 Am on Valentines day, my doorbell would not stop ringing so I shut off the switch and went back to sleep. The next morning, official vehicles were lined up from his door to Ocean Drive. Chrissy had died from an overdose. Was there anything, I could have done to save his life? I did not answer the door, I shut off the bell.

I packed the guilt around everywhere because... I have been to multiple colleges, graduated and all and trust me, I knew everything. After the funeral, I was feeling like shit and swimming in J&B... Onr thing I didn't know was... It was not Chris at my door that night, it was Larry, he left his car at my house and walked home from the bars. I guess my point is, no matter how well you know a person, if they should make the decision to take their own life, we as individuals do not have the ability to see through the smoke screen.

This Michael says, remember that Michael in the kindest memories and move on with your own life. Have the best dayMichael

I'm so sorry about your friend. Please don't shoulder the blame for Michael's fall. I'm sure he's been reaching out for a long, long time and in the short time you knew him you did your best. YOu're a kind, gentle, caring and funny guy who offers so much to us here at the forums. Try not to be so hard on yourself. WE need you here.

thank you to everyone who has replied so far. i've been just hovering over the thread reading it over and over for the last two hours or so. part of me just keeps thinking i'm going to blink and it won't be printed there, & that tomorrow i will call and just reach him on the phone.

i love each and every one of you. i really and truly do- and i so appreciate you being here for me now.

Thunder, i am really sorry for this you are going through. At the same time i agree with eveybody else... you should not carry this on your shoulder, cause this was not your fault. When we are sent to earth, we are all made responsible for our actions, and none else can take or should take responsibility for that.

I know most of us have needed some help in some time, i know we all have been down the dark road at least once and have found other's hands and words useful, though i know... there are things others cannot do for us... No one could keep on his feet someone who does not want to be standing anymore... pittifully same applies when it refers to the desire of keep on living.

It was his decission.... not yours, and despite you feel responsible... the truth is that there was nothing you could do... what you could do.. you did and we and God knows that... all the rest was in his hands and not yours... he took his decission.

I know what i say does not help much right now, but with the time... you will realise you gave him all you could, none could have done more to help him... just himself. Send you big hugs,

Oh god man my deepest sympathy. I've had to cope with sudden death hitting very close to home and just know that time and talking it out is what helps wrap you mind around the shock and range of emotions.

I had a some unfounded guilt, which is common in situations like this, and the best advice I got is to remember that you did the best you knew how to do for that person but remember you are only human -- you're not omnipotent. You can't see into the future. Don't for a second put any of this on you - it's the mental turmoil/depression that led to this tragedy.

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"Get your medical advice from Doctors or medical professionals who you trust and know your history."

"Beware of the fortune teller doom and gloomers who seek to bring you down and are only looking for company, purpose and validation - not your best physical/mental interests."

"You know you all are saying that this is incurable. When the real thing you should be saying is it's not curable at the present time' because as we know, the great strides we've made in medicine." - Elizabeth Edwards

I've got this mixture of anguish and anger, and I am not sure how to process this.

We never know how something like this is going to affect us until it actually happens and it's not something we can prepare ourselves for.

It can also leave us feeling confused about what we may consider strange reactions to it all ..anguish and anger are a natural part of our grieving process.

Don't forget to give yourself time to grieve over your loss Tim, you don't have to do it right now, you will know when the time comes.. it's important for you to have closure, and by saying goodbye to Michael, and as hard as it may be, accepting his decision will give you the closure you need...it just takes time.

I agree with Robert, you did what you could to help him..please don't blame yourself for this.

I think that one of the most frustrating things about suicide, based on the experience with my mother's suicide, is the unanswered questions. You likely will never know precisely why your friend decided to take his own life, but you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why (or at least, that's what I had done for a long time). It certainly speaks to your care and compassion as a human being that you feel you might have been able to do something to prevent it. But as others have pointed out below, the reality is that it was his decision.

No one can shoulder the burden of someone else's life. We all have our hands full with our own. I'm sure you were a good friend to him, and I'm sure he knew that. While it is normal to feel guilty or confused abour this initially, don't let that eat you up. I did so with my mother, and paid a dear price. I can't count the times I have said to myself "If only I had ..." or "why didn't I...", but that line of questioning and reason is specious. You have lots of friends here who can help you, including myself. Of course, a professional therapist or counselor could be a very good resource to help you come to terms with this as well.

Words can't express how sorry am I about your friend, and what you must be dealing with. Don't hesitate to contact me if I can help -- I'm here for you, as are all your other friends here.

Love,

Henry

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"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." - Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

im so sorry to read this. im not really sure what i can add as the others have done a great job of talking sense in a situation where nothing seems to make any sense. i wish i was near enough to give you a big hug and a shoulder to cry on.

i think the most important thing for you to do at the moment is to not think that anything you could have done might have changed the eventual outcome. the fact that this was not his first attempt shows that this was not a snap decision. you have to accept that you will always have some unanswered questions about this situation, but you have to believe that although you may never understand completely the events of the last day or so, nothing you could have done would permanently have stopped michael if he felt this was his destiny.

once again i send you lots of love and hugs. look after yourself and keep talking to us, or better still a professional, if you need to you are very special and dear to mexxxxx

"I'm not keen on the idea of the afterlife - not without knowing who else will be there and what the entertainment will be. Personally I'd rather just take a rest." Oscar Berger, PWA: Looking AIDS in the Face, 1996. RIP.

hey Timmy.This is so sad. Let yourself grieve and go through the rollercoaster of emotions you are having. You reached out and cared for this guy, like the truly compassionate man you are. You cared and still do. It's just sad.

I just want to echo the general sentiment in the room - this is not your fault. You did what you could and you also have to take care of yourself. If the questions keep haunting you, the what if's and I should haves, be sure to counter them with what you DID DO and the fact that you cared for him. You were there for him, but unfortunately so were other things that you had no control over. Hey man, if you need us, we are here for you. We will also be strong for you.

My condolences to you. Regardless of the whys and wherefores, it would seem your friend was unable to carry on – but you can. Suicide is the ultimate selfish act, with little or no regard for those left behind. Grieve yes, but while you do, know that none of this is your fault.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I am so, so sorry to hear about this. There is nothing you could have done. Suicide is usually thought out, so I'm sure he was planning to do this without giving you any indication of it. You are very much in my thoughts, and I will carry you throughout the day.Love you-Betty

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Tim---brings back memories of a person I was dating and cared very much about who suicided. My experience is when people hit that downward spiral where they see suicide as the only option to intolerable suffering, they cut themselves off from the people around them. It is such a helpless feeling when you see it happening, if you even do. Suicide rates among gay people is 3 times the national average. All I am saying here is that is touches many of us and it is a tragic reality.Grief is the hardest emotion to live with but it teaches us what is important in life and what is not. It teaches us to seize the day and to live in the moment, because this is all we ever really have--especially us!! Take care.

I'm very sorry about your friend. Your feelings are whatever they are so I think it's pointless to say "don't feel guilty," if you're having some of that. But no matter what your feelings are, the only life you are truly responsible for is your own and not for anyone else's. That's very hard to accept sometimes. And as you know managing one's own is a fulltime job and definitely not easy.

May he rest in peace. I'm sorry he couldn't find a way to get past the hard times he was having. In my experience anyone who really wants to go is going to do it no matter what anyone else does at any given moment.

You can still say everything to him that you want to. Just do it privately and say it all.

You're a good guy, Tim. A decent and loving man. Anyone who knows you here knows that. You had what you had with your friend. Just keep on going, buddy.

Wish I could say more but I would dumbly only want you to "feel better," when actually you ought to feel exactly however you feel. ...and still keep going.

TimI want to express my condolences as well. Having someone close to you die in this manner is very difficult. One of my best friends and someone I lived with briefly, hung himself in San Diego after moving there around 1990. I still dont know why he did it. But I have one of his paintings and keep fond memories of a road trip the two of us took to Washington DC.

This story has really touched me. You are one of the first people on the forum that reached out to me about getting into healthcare.

I can tell from your posts and replies you are a very caring person. I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I firmly believe that his life was better once he met you.

Suicide is a strange and unusual beast. I must admit, I try to maintain an upbeat and happy appearance but deep down I have thoughts of ending it all.Somedays I think it is silly and can laugh at myself for having such thoughts. Other days, I slip into a dark hole and just want to disappear.

Micheal's action was not your fault. Please dont beat yourself up about it. I am sure he knew you had his best interest at heart. You are too kind to allow this darken your spirit.

I hope you accept the bright light you gave Micheal these last few months. His decision was not based on a lack of support/understanding from you but rather his own thoughts of how to handle his current situation.

Tim, please dont allow let unfortunate event prevent you from reaching out to help others. Trust me, your words alone have help me overcome a few of my dark days.

Thank you to everyone posting here. Good morning, I suppose, at one in the afternoon. I had to take some rather heavy sedation to knock myself out as night was nearing morning- and fitful dreams throughout.

Hal, I see that you have called me. I will return your call shortly. I'm just not up to speaking yet.

I do have to place a call to Michael's neighbor. I need to find out some things- like what happens now to the animals? There are two dogs and two cats that need to be cared for. I don't know how I can care for them (especially the large lab puppy), but I've got to make sure some suitable arrangments are made for them.

I'm probably going to take the trip over to his place today. I need to talk with his neighbor and get more detail about what actually went down. I also likely have things still over at his place.

Again, thanks to all...and Hal, I will talk to you in just awhile. Love you all.

I was one who was once with the rope (so to speak) around my neck and speaking from utter, naked honesty - there is everyone in the world to blame in tandem with no one in the world being able to save you when you are at that point.

I'm sorry for what has happened to him and I know the thoughts that went through his mind (which is very painful to remember right now personally) and frankly the journey is and was his and his alone to take.

Tim , as you can see by the responses to this thread.. suicides leave a lot of issues behind them.. they seem to see this as a solution to their problems and in their "reality" it only affects them. I can only echo what has been said so many times....don't put this on yourself.....he made a very painful personal choice and you still have a long life ahead of you..