06/27/2011

1990: Salman Rushdie, condemned to death in a fatwah by an Iranian mullah, contributes $8,600 to help Iranian earthquake victims; unmoved, most of his would-be assassins now plan on taking his wallet as well as whacking him.

08/05/2010

Before the literary masterpiece/cheesey monster movie mashup craze jumps the shark, Bandwagon Books (No Trend Left Behind!) announces the first of its series Zombies! for the Fall of 2010. (Also available as eBooks!)

The Zombie Also Rises

By Ernest Hemingway (with additional material by L.K. Peterson)

Excerpt:

We sat outside at the little cafe near the Plaza del Toros. We sat, Alexi and me, and watched for zombies. The cafe had run out of sangria and was serving ouzo that someone had left there the summer before. It was good ouzo. Damn good. The summer before had not been good. The summer before had been terrible. The summer before had been when the zombies came. I wondered if whoever had left the ouzo was now a zombie. I wondered if he would come back for his ouzo. I wondered if, as he approached us, he would mutter "ouzo" instead of "brains" and, if he did, should we give him some before we shot him. Just then the waiter, an old man, pale and stooped, with deep-set, dark-circled eyes shuffled toward us. He was a good waiter. Damn good. Alexi, drunk on ouzo (and before that, drunk on sangria) looked at the waiter, lifted his pistol and shot him between the eyes. "Goddam zombies," he said, almost to himself. I should have reminded him that all of the cafe's waiters looked like that, but they weren't all zombies and if he didn't stop shooting them between the eyes we would have to get our own ouzo. But I didn't. I was too busy thinking about drinking ouzo that had once belonged to a zombie. Still, it was a good shot. Damn good.

10/06/2009

The Ant Farmer's Almanac has obtained a copy of what we believe to be a possible cover design for Sarah Palin's forthcoming memoir Going Rogue: An American Life. While this may not be the cover that gets used, we have been assured that it was near the top of the pile on the art director's desk.

07/30/2009

When the novel Me Cheetah, a purported autobiography “written” by the chimpanzee co-star from the Tarzan movies of the 1930s and 1940s, got nominated for a Booker Prize – Britain’s most prestigious literary award — it set off an unprecedented flood of books by and about celebrity animals.

Chief among them is the memoir of Richard Nixon’s cocker spaniel, Checkers, whose very presence in the Nixon household nearly cost him the vice presidential spot with Dwight Eisenhower in 1952.

That it was filmmaker Oliver Stone who secured the movie rights to the Checkers’ story has stirred up controversy; not because of Stone’s political views, but because he seems to have completed the script and began principal photography on his film adaptation before having received or read the transcription.

The Ant Farmer’s Almanac has obtained an early draft of the screenplay, but could not verify its authenticity, as Mr. Stone’s office would not return our phone calls, emails and repeated shouts from across the street.

CHECKERS SPEAKS

(by Oliver Stone)

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD. NOON.

Slo-Mo: a brightly patterned toy ball appears at the corner of the frame and moves across the screen, all in the faded colors of a vintage 8mm home movie from the 1950s.

INT. PET SHOP. WASHINGTON, DC. AFTERNOON.

The pet shop clerk reaches into the window display and picks up a cocker spaniel puppy, then hands it to a man wearing a suit, tie and hat.

Lousy, Buddy. I don’t know what to say in this damned TV speech. Ike’ll drop me from the ticket in a heartbeat if I can’t convince people that I’m honest. (Looking at the floor and gesturing toward Checkers, who is lying nearby.) Hell, they’d make me give back the godamm dog, if they had their way.

PAT

(alarmed)

You wouldn’t let them, would you, Dick?

NIXON

(Looking back up at Pat)

Of course not — the girls love him so, (leans down to pet Checkers) don’t they, boy (Checkers wags his tail).

INT. RESIDENTIAL DEN. LATE EVENING.

Checkers sitting at Pat’s feet. The only light is the blueish flicker of a black and white television from which Nixon’s voice can be heard

A cocktail party after the 1956 presidential elections. Pat and RN mingle with the guests, mostly congressmen and senators and their wives. Among them is Texas senator Lyndon Baines Johnson (note: get Randy Quaid?).

Checkers slips into the living room from the kitchen and heads toward Nixon, briskly moving past a crowd of guests’ ankles.

Johnson, who is talking to Nixon, notices Checkers.

LBJ

(grinning widely)

Well now, Here’s that little fella got you elected veep the first time, heh, heh!

NIXON

(smiling, but clearly annoyed, both at the dog’s presence

and Johnson’s remark)

Yes, ah, heh, heh.

LBJ

(deliberately speaking too loudly now, and crouching down to pet the dog, which draws the attention of other guests)

He’s a cutey, all right. Ya know, mah boys — the beagles, I mean — they jes love it when ah pick ‘em up by the ears (reaching his hands out toward Checkers who instinctively recoils). They yelp like all get-out, but they like it!

NIXON

(stepping between LBJ and Checkers)

Now, Lyndon, I won’t have that sort of thing here...

LBJ

(somewhat petulant, but mostly annoyed)

Well now, Dick, I wouldn’t have thought you were soft on dogs.

BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.

The colorful ball bounces and rolls into distance. Checkers, as a puppy, runs by in determined pursuit.

President Eishenhower (note: get Robert Duvall? Patrick Stewart? That bald guy from “Night Court”?) in golf clothes is on the lawn, lining up his putt toward a pin some twenty feet away. An aide holds the flag marking the hole.

Nixon enters from behind Ike, with Checkers on a leash, just as Ike makes his shot.

CUT TO:

Ball as it rolls toward cup.

CUT TO:

Checkers as he bolts and pulls away from Nixon, yanking the leash from Nixon’s hand.

CUT TO:

Nixons’ face contorted with horror and anger and mouthing the word “No-o-o-o-o!”

CUT TO:

POV from behind the pin in the golf hole as the flag is pulled from it, revealing the ball coming in fast as Checkers approaches it, with Nixon in pursuit and Ike gesturing angrily in background. Checkers picks up the golf ball in his mouth just before it rolls into the hole and runs off.

CUT TO:

Shot from above and pulling away from Rose Garden as Secret Service agents chase Checkers around lawn in a chaotic ballet as Ike swings his putter at Nixon.

INT. BLAIR HOUSE. THAT EVENING.

Nixon family around dinner table, everyone is a little tense.

NIXON

(almost to himself)

The old man’s really steamed this time. He’s gonna give it to me good, too.

I’ll bet he sends me someplace god-awful.

Goddam dog.

CUT TO:

EXT. NARROW SOUTH AMERICAN STREET. AFTERNOON.

Black limousine with American flags attached to front fenders is surrounded and being rocked by an angry mob throwing rotten fruit and carrying signs saying “Yankee Go Home.”

CUT TO:

INT. SAME LIMO. SAME LOCATION.

Pat and RN, expressionless and looking straight ahead, sit in back seat as car rocks side to side and thrown fruit spatters heavily on the windows.

NIXON

(deadpan)

Goddam dog!

BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.

Puppy Checkers chasing ball as it rolls across expansive lawn. Catches up with it before it reaches the trees, passing it, then whirling around to pick it up and run toward camera.

MONTAGE. VERY LATE 1950s:

An Edsel, Buddy Holly, Fidel Castro, Elvis in army uniform, Laika the Russian dog that went to space.

EXT. KREMLIN, MOSCOW.

CUT TO:

INT. SHOWROOM DISPLAYING STATE OF THE ART 1959 AMERICAN KITCHEN Soviet Premiere Nikita Kruschev, Richard Nixon, with Checkers on leash, along with a translator and a slew of reporters and photographers walk through what signage claims is a "typical" American kitchen. Through a translator, Nixon and Kruschev debate the benefits of American-style consumerism versus Soviet socialism.

(poking Nixon in the chest and shouting in Russian as English subtitles appear on screen)

Son of a bitch! You arrogant Americans think you can let even your pets dry-hump Soviet peoples? You’re wrong!

We will neuter you!

BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.

Puppy Checkers runs toward the camera with ball in his mouth. As he approaches and then passes it, the camera follows him as he trots triumphantly toward Nixon family — RN, Pat, Trisha and Julie, in 1951. They all clap and smile approvingly.

RN stands by large picture window bathed in a soft, almost ethereal glow that creates a triangle of light around him in an otherwise dark room. Pat emerges from the darkness behind RN, flicks on lights to reveal the room is filled with moving boxes. Checkers follows her in and jumps up onto the wing chair that RN is standing next to.

PAT

(looking at Checkers)

Dick, we really shouldn’t let him get up on the furniture like that, we never did before.

NIXON

(turning to look in her and Checkers direction)

Let Johnson clean up the dog hair. I just hope our boy here leaves his mark on every table leg in the place. It’ll drive those goddam beagles crazy. Lyndon’ll get so aggravated he’ll probably start a war or something while Jack isn’t looking.

PAT

(putting her hand on RN’s shoulder)

Now, Dick, I know you’re upset, but don’t be bitter. We’re all disappointed, but we’ll be back in California soon; we can start over there.

NIXON

(leaning over to pet Checkers, then turning to face

and embrace Pat)

Yeah, you’re right, Buddy, as usual.

BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.

Checkers approaches Nixon family. As he gets closer, POV changes to that of dog and colors goes to b&w w/blueish hue. Camera comes up to RN’s feet and looks up to see him leaning down with his hand outstretched.

RN takes ball from Checkers’ mouth.

CUT TO:

RN playfully winding up as if for pitch, then throwing the ball high and far out toward lawn as Checkers heads out after it.

CUT TO:

Brightly colored ball against blue sky as it moves in Slo-Mo across screen and disappears into the glare of the sun.

07/02/2009

Jacko's Long-Time Animal Companion to Tell All in Forthcoming Memoir

MIAMI (AFA Newswire) After years out of the spotlight, Bubbles the chimp, Michael Jackson's long-time animal companion, has announced a book deal with Penquin Publishing for a memoir of his time and relationship with the King of Pop.

At a press conference held outside the Florida wildlife sanctuary in which Bubbles now resides with some 40 other chimpanzees and orangutans, his spokesman, Francis Aziz, told assembled reporters that, although Bubbles has enjoyed his years away from public scrutiny, he now feels, after Jackson's death, he should tell his side of the story.

Aziz, who brokered the book deal (rumored to be six figures), on behalf of Bubbles, also represents Leona Helmsley's dog, Trouble, Donald Trump's hairpiece and whatever that squeaky thing is in Paris Hilton's purse.

Asked if Bubbles would be getting any help with the book, Aziz candidly stated, "He's not a trained writer, so absolutely yes," adding, "We'll be giving typewriters to him and the other chimps. If they can stop grooming each other and retyping the complete works of Shakespeare for long enough, we could save a fortune on ghostwriters."

Due out in the summer of 2010, it is not known how the book will portray Jackson.

The pair's split was said to be amicable at the time, although Bubbles did later have to sign a non-disclosure agreement after he was overheard telling friends that Jackson was, "Six kinds of crazy."

At the very least, Aziz promised, Bubbles will address his "deep ambivalence" toward Jackson.

"It's complicated," said Azziz, "Bubbles lived an extraordinary life for a chimpanzee — the world travel, the glamour, the throwing his feces at celebrities he'd have never had in range otherwise," adding, "We should all be so lucky."

Our Guest Book Reviewer's Roundup for 2008

Eat, Pay & Leave Big Tip. By Anonymous (Vainglory Publishing, $19.95) Restaurant etiquette as defined by the former maitre d' at several of New York's swankiest eateries.

Growth Careers for the New Depression. By Richard Saunders (Beech Books, $21.95) Hobo? Madcap heiress? Singing cowboy? Using films of the 1930s as its guide, this timely book offers practical tips for finding jobs in the current economic downturn.

Kerouac's Children. By Philip Valens (University of Inwood Online Press, $22.95) Rather than poetry by neo-beatniks, this book profiles three middle aged drifters, all claiming to be the illegitimate offspring of the On the Road author.

Woodstock 2019. By W.D. Forte (Nightflyer Press, $14.95) When everybody who's been fibbing about being at Woodstock in 1969 shows up for its 50th anniversary — along with everyone who really was there the first time around — the results are equal parts hilarity and disaster in this first-novelist's darkly comic sci-fi satire about gracelessly aging Baby Boomers.

This Was Supposed to be Out Like Four Months Ago! By Michael Phelps, with Bob Costas and NBC Sports (NBC Sports Publishing, $49.95) A heavily illustrated "memoir" made up of transcripts from NBC's color commentary about Phelps at the Beijing Olympics.

What the F*** Was I Thinking?!? By Guy Ritchie (Piquant Press, $11.95) A collection of blog entries in which the once promising British film director struggles to make sense of his eight-year marriage to Madonna.

Title. By Literary Heavyweight (TBA) The latest from [name here] will delight/disappoint long-time/first-time readers. This once/still great prose stylist has/hasn't lost his/her touch. [Note to Ed.: I'll send this one later. I'm off to Barnes & Noble to dig up something "more on the highbrow side," as you put it, but it's snowing pretty hard so if I'm not back by press time, just print what I've sent so far].

12/28/2007

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Dropped by its original publisher after news broke of 16-year-old Jamie Lynne Spears' pregnancy, Lynn Spears' book, Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame & Family, has quickly been snatched up by another outfit.

Self-described "Christian publisher" Thomas Nelson, Inc. cancelled the Mother's Day 2008 release of Ms. Spears' memoir saying that it "Was no longer a good fit with this company's mission or values," adding, "And a really stupid idea at this point."

Within hours, however, another publisher had reportedly offered a five-figure deal for the rights to print the parenting advice of Britney and Jamie Lynne's mother by late summer.

Ms. Spears' "White Knight" is Penquin Press, who will re-title the manuscript, The Idiot's Guide to Raising Dummies. The proposed revamp also changes the book from an inspirational narrative to a "How-To," complete with bullet points that highlight everything Ms. Spears did and didn't do in the process of transforming her semi-talented offspring into clueless skanks.

Upon hearing the announcement, the publisher of the rival "For Dummies" series blasted any comparison of the Spears family to "Dummies" as "An insult to dummies," and is threatening legal action.

04/23/2007

NEW YORK (AFA) — Following in the footsteps of such celebrities as Mikhail Baryshnikov, James Carville, Lynne Cheney, Katie Couric, Jamie Lee Curtis, Sarah Ferguson, Spike Lee, Madonna, Deborah Norville, Jane Seymour, Maria Shriver and John Travolta, Alec Baldwin has written his first book for kids.

Baldwin's forthcoming book, The Pig, the Witch and the Cellphone, tells the story of a good little pig who falls under the spell of an evil witch who only seems beautiful until you get to know her better. Entranced by the witch, the little pig forgets everything she ever knew about phone etiquette and common courtesy — especially toward those who truly love her and who make her lavish lifestyle possible since her mother hasn't worked for years and whose career is all washed up.

A handsome and talented bear, who loves the little pig much, much more than the witch does, bravely tries to rescue her and straighten her ass out, but his efforts are hampered at every turn by the witch's sneaky henchmen who tell terrible lies about the bear to everyone in the forest.

Despite threats of lawsuits for slander and defamation of character brought by Baldwin's ex-wife, Kim Basinger, the book is scheduled to be published next fall by Judith Regan's new imprint, Bottom Feeder Books. Regan's company is also in negotiations for another topical celebrity children's book entitled The Little Boy With the Really Big Mouth by either Don Imus or Michael Richards.