Majdnem haiku a mához

An older nepper came to me yesterday. He spotted me fro 500 yards away from the bridge and he just came to me. He knew me from before. Passing by some pals at the corner who's been selling crack nodded a bit to them and conitued. When he passed me he started from behinde:

"Heyy yo pal I know you want something."

I tried to concentrate what was he about, to attack or sell or both. He set down at the canalside beside me:

"I have somthing very very special for you." He pressed the special word as if it would mean more than just something out of ordinary stuff to get my mind out of order for a while or my body out of the burden and pain of this lonely existance of being outside alone, being here the best, being alive with the painful knowledge I sentenced myself for life to life, with no chance to get out ever, but leaving no chance to them to kill me off without killing themselves. Everybody goes. Or everybody lives who is willing to do the program od recovery... I am not going back ... yet. I do not want to. I am not willing. I will kill you all. There is noting i would want to see or try. I've seen everything. You cannot teach me anything, you cannot show me anything. There is nothing i haven't tied yet. There is only one thing. Livin outside. live alife without your shit around. This is what I want to try. And I will or not depends on you all.

---

the guy just danced, every move of his body told the story of my training, every move of his told the story of his power in It. He was It. moves moving moved motion emotion - still there... how many years now? was it that long time ago? or can I remember the future yet? or else... fading away.

---

didn't call me back, I feel lonely, I haven't felt that thrill for a long long time

---

I sensed everything, the bodies, the smell of food around, I heard tham talking - never ever would be possible to hear that so clearly form that distance so clear: "I can get you ... for 40" I tried to listen somewhere else to the water, to the birds around and it faded away. Getting weaker and more easier to let go. My mind can be still attracted but I can let it go. But I went there.

Pain.

Still there. Still there for money. Outside there is no place to live a life. There is no outside today. There are only sides and decisions to make. What you do for what price.