Well hello there. You're a fragrant young reynard aren't you? What brings you to the Governor's Reception, my foxy fellow? Hush - no need to stammer, or tremble. I assure you that I'm nothing to be intimidated by.

Do you like the cut of my suit? It's Italian - feel the lining. No... get right in there. Run the cloth between your fingers. Silky smooth isn't it?

Now come with me behind the ivy trellis. I want to show you something I've been putting together. Yes... yes, that's right - it's a list of the greatest professional gamers on the planet. Lay back, my vulpine prince - and let me reveal it to you...

LEE JAE-DONG

This South Korean champ has it all going on. It'd probably make Kim Jong ill if he knew what I had in mind for this "Korean strait". Why, I'd be tramping all over his demilitarised zone in flagrant breach of the Korean Armistice Agreement. Forget about splitting the country into the Communist north and more liberal south - I intend to drive a liberal wedge of red right through this Dong.

DANIL ISHUTIN

This Ukrainian gaming hero has the look of a young Bieber about him - appropriate given I've been pretending I was "Just in" him. Coming from The Ukraine, I wonder if his speciality is chicken kiev. Certainly, I wouldn't mind sinking my teeth in and having a taste of his stinky butter. There'll be no resisting a "bear from the East" when I'm around....

JOHNATHAN WENDEL

Surly gamer Johnathan comes from the great state of Missouri - and after he's spent an hour or two in my company it'll be more like he end up in the great state of "messy-sore-y". I note that Kansas City is the largest of Missouri's mass conurbations... not to be confused with Kansas State, home to young Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Never mind... I'll soon have this rosey-cheeked Munchkin singing 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow', and making friends with Dorothy...

OLEKSANDR DASHKEVYCH

Oleksandre might look like a cross between a potato and another potato, but that hardly puts me off. Potato-face or not, he doesn't have to worry about being peeled for me - I'm happy to chow down on his spuds, even if the skin's still on! <WINK>

JANG MIN CHUL

Another South Korean gamer, Jang Min clearly styles himself on that Gangnam Style feller. We sound like the perfect match - "Gangbang Style" is something I know a thing or two about...

LEE "FLASH" YOUNG-HO

Whoops! I think I just "flashed" this Young-Ho...! Proving, once more, that South Korea produces the world's greatest gamers, Lee is just 23 years old. Forget the Korean War - this is more of a Korean Phwoaaaar! I see that he's got himself something of a "Beatles bob" hairstyle. Curious... given that I wouldn't mind seeing his head "bobbing up and down"...

JONATHAN BERG

Handsome Jonathan Berg is a Swede, apparently - which is fine with me, as I'm more an aubergine. Let's hope he doesn't adhere to his country's political stance - he'll have no neutrality on foreign affairs if I've got anything to do with it. I'm deeply curious to melt the chilly tip of this Berg. Just call me "Titanic" - once Jonathan has scraped along my sides, there'll be no stopping me from going down.

SAAHIL ARORA

Slender-necked Saahil Arora hails from Wisconsin - 'America's dairyland'. Certainly, there'll be more than the usual amount of butter-churning on the menu if Saahil and I ever meet. Got Milk, Saahil? You soon will do...

TEAM NEWBEE

Look at this bunch of "nubies", holding up their silver trophy. If any or all of them are interested, I've got another sort of shiny, well-polished prize they might like to lift over their heads...