AMERICAN RHETORIC

Paddy Kelly

Published by Fiction4All at
Smashwords

Copyright
2017 Paddy Kelly

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Cover Design by:

Paddy Kelly

Edited

by

Katherine Mary Kennedy, B.A.

Acknowledgments

First
and foremost I must thank CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox News, all
members of what we now call the ‘Mainstream media’, for
exercising their rights under the First Amendment to continually
broadcast ‘news’ stories so distorted from actual fact that they
have easily kept pace with the wild and fantastical tales of the
Trump administration.

When that awful practical
joke of a poorly rehearsed, traveling road show of a circus known as
the RNC, came to town back in 2016, many believed it to be a low
point in the history of American politics.

However when it was then
followed up in July of that same year by the ultimate prank played on
the U.S. electorate to date, the other circus headlined as the DNC,
the near universal impression became; how much lower can we sink?

Combined with both political
parties neglect in treating the electoral process with the
seriousness and dignity it requires, the system has devolved into a
joke.

The joke? What do you get
when you cross a sociopathic repeat felon with a Reality TV show
clown?

We are seeing the punch line
played out.

Without the concerted
efforts of these two entities, the mainstream press and the two U.S.
parties, and their headlong pursuit to play one-upmanship with the
truth, the material in this book would never have been possible.

Dedication

This work is dedicated to those
most adversely affected by the wreckage of the broken political
system in the U.S. – the American electorate.

'AMERICAN
RHETORIC'

Based on true events which are
yet to occur

“In the federal government we
have a two party system. The Democratic Party, which is a party of no
ideas. And the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas. By
the federal government I mean republicans and democrats working
together. And the only thing dumber than a republican or a democrat
is when these pricks work together!”

Louis Black

If 'pro' is the opposite
of 'con', then what's the opposite of progress?

The
Current State of Affairs

11:26, Friday, August 11.

The not too distant future.

CHAPTER ONE

Җ

AMERICAN
society had shifted in the intervening years since, having her prison
record expunged by presidential decree, Helen Cliton had been
appointed Secretary of State and Ronald Lump the Third, Great-Great
Grandson of the New York real-estate baron, had, after changing the
law, won his fourth consecutive White House term.

The last of
the law suits following the mass suicide fad which had swept the
nation after Helen's Great-Great
Aunt Hillary had lost the election had finally been settled.

Lump, on the other hand, had
managed to finally tackle the fact that 3% of Americans owned or
directly controlled 97% of the wealth of that country.

Through sheer dint of effort,
plenty of hard work, tireless campaigning efforts and unprecedented
cooperation in both the House and the Senate, he was able to whittle
that 3% down to 1%.

Legislation was in the pipeline
to tackle that annoying little 1% as soon as Congress could raise the
funds to clean up the miles and miles of unused bricks, mortar and
scaffolding littering the highways, roads and prairie land along the
U.S.-Mexican border.

Cruising
overhead in one of the new multi-billion dollar hovercrafts, (which
cost just under $125,000 to build) and which reduced the
trans-continental voyage from New New York to Lost Angeles, no longer
part of the 60th state, from three and a half hours to three hours
and eleven minutes, President Lump could see that much of the
landscape was still dotted with two story split levels, ranch homes
and tasteless prefabricated houses like the kind seen all over Texas,
Louisiana and most of the Bible Belt. But factories more or less
dominated the land mass of most of America. All of course except for
Arkansas, after all no one wanted to live there before the ECOLI, why
would anyone go there now?

In a radically changing world it
was comforting to know some traditions remained.

The overall
map of the country had changed as well. Several of the northern
states had been sold to Canada to raise revenue for the Twelfth
Annual Congressional Bailout while the Hawaiian Islands now belonged
to the Chinese having been traded for a treaty where-by the Chinese
government agreed to stop hacking U.S. technology, stealing America's
industrial plans and selling them to the largest country in the world
the Ukraino-Russia Federation. Some found an odd poetic justice in
this seeing as it was primarily Asian and Eastern European engineers
who, although hired by the Americans, actually designed and built
most of that technology.

This massive sell-off of real
estate was generally accepted as part of the cause of what people now
referred to as the Great Economic Collapse of Industry.

ECOLI for short.

To maintain the status quo and
allow the random but steady price inflation the western world had
come to rely on to motivate its economy, the citizens of the U.S. and
now most of the rest of the world, had come also to depend on
artificially manufactured food stuffs produced by multi-international
conglomerates such as Consolidated Refined Agricultural Products
which boasted over 500 facilities nation-wide processing,
manufacturing and distributing CRAP products throughout the world.

SPAM Plus was one of their
biggest money makers.

There were other changes too.

For example
various social sub-orders had arisen and were branded with certain
names, names propagated largely by the pop press through NewsCorps.
These names became a convenient way to refer to the few remaining
groups of people with political opinions, people who had not
completely given up on the political system altogether. A political
system which had grown like a mold
on six month old Gouda as it crept across the land.

Collectively
these people
were known as the Logics.

The smallest
of the Logics
was the group who based their political viewpoints and opinions on
logic, reasoning and established knowledge.

They were
legally banned from public speaking when, one year when a Logical
speaker, a physics professor, tried to explain gravity at a famous
university. His explanation was dismissed as patriarchal ad riots
broke out.

This Logical
group was sarcastically labelled by the press as 'The Knowitalls'.
They were so small a group that more people had claimed to have seen
Bigfoot then to have actually met a Logical.

NewsCorps was the consolidated
news wire service, which controlled and was the sole nation-wide
supplier of info-tainment. What people used to call the 'news'.

T.V. execs found that ratings
tripled when they mixed reality T.V. with news broadcasts and so
info-tainment was born.

The president and corporate CEO
of NewsCorps, Lush Limburger, Ph.D., (an honorary award), through his
broadcasts had coined and there-by sanctioned most of the monikers
now in common use.

'NewsCorps; Lush with the slush!'
Could be heard dozens of times a day on radios, televisions and
monitors across the nation.

Skilled at
broadcasting in only two emotions, anger and indignation, combined
with his ‘clever’ labelling of opposing political groups was
considered the primary reason Limburger was consistently voted News
Man of the Year
by the United Associated Press International or the UAPI.

The UAPI, an
organization which maintained their name despite the fact the title,
News
Man of the Year,
could only be awarded to a member of the American press who was an
active member of the UAPI, were the primary fundraisers for the Lush
Limburger Program.

All foreign generated news was
highly restricted and could only be accessed if an American was out
of the country or on vacation in exotic places like Toronto or
Detroit, which now belonged to Canada which meant one needed a
passport to go there which in turn meant that few Americans went
there.

Subsisting
largely on hate rhetoric and creating discontent in those of lower
mentality, Limburger's eight hour daily show focused largely on
casting aspersions at the likes of Doctors
Without Borders,
(who he branded as 'bleeding heart socialists'), teachers, ('liberal
morons'), and Planned Parenthood, ('condoms are the root of all the
problems in our education system!') He particularly railed against
Planned Parenthood because he argued, due to the fact they encouraged
young people to use condoms they were the primary propagators of
unsafe sex. Bumper stickers proclaiming: “CONDOMS CILL!!” could
be had free of charge from Limburger's radio studios.

Limburger had
his favorites
too, like the Blinders.

These were the ones in the
country who were shackled with the philosophy that the U.S., without
reservation, was the greatest country in the world, despite the fact
it was fourth in economic production behind China, Russia and Brazil,
26th on the U.N's Safest
Places to Live list
and 47th overall in education.

When cornered as to the flaws in
the 'America is the greatest country' approach, the Blinder's
comeback was, 'Maybe it's not a perfect system but it's the best
imperfect system in the world.' Finally when confronted by the facts
of their government's broken legal and judicial system, their homerun
swing was, 'It's not a perfect system, but it's the best we got.'

As the
democrats spent more and more money on gun control and the
republicans more and more on fire arms promotion, there were
dwindling amounts for less important social programs such as
education and medicine.

As a result,
the failing I.Q.'s of the nation's students was more than just an
international embarrassment, it had become a real social problem
compounded by the fact that 68% tested couldn't point out the U.S. on
a standard map, (half even when it was labelled).

However, it was the teachers who
suffered the most.

When the
teacher's mandatory, unpaid five month Summer holidays became law,
and their wages were reduced accordingly, some quit or were forced to
take second jobs such as sanitation technicians in the factories.
Those with higher degrees could find work as waste disposal
collection engineers for the food service or housekeeping industries.

Parents and
relatives did what they could to help the teachers by going down to
the Federal Unified Collection points and donating canned food, old
bits of clothing and slightly used body armor
or bullet resistant clothing. These latter items had become popular
when school shootings had been elevated to a national past time by
the popular reality game show Classroom
Body Count.
However, despite such irresistible perks such as free body armor, the
attrition rates of the teachers back to the factories and other
industries had reached an all-time high.

Another side effect of the
dilapidated education system was the gradual deterioration of the
language itself.

Wiked-Period,
the online ensikloopedea, had come to be the last word in academic
reference, despite the fact there were no redundant checks on the
information posted and anybody could pretty much write and post
anything they wanted. Even though most of those who wrote on-line
information sites could no longer write very well, especially after
the highly publicized Wong Case.

Michelle Wong,
an undergraduate student at Cal Tech, submitted her undergrad thesis
entirely in text speak. When the department chair failed her, she
resorted to that most American of cure-alls, she sued. In separate
but equal law suits she sued the state, sued the university, the
college, the department, the department chair, her professor and the
librarian for referring her to a volume entitled, A
Hndbk For Txt Abrvs.

As U.S. law is
predicated primarily on stare
decisis,
or precedent, after she won the first case she won all the other
cases. On the seven figure settlement she abandoned her studies in
English Literature and her goal to teach English at Harvard and
retired to the former Hawaiian island of Oahu, now New Beijing, where
she sits in the sun sipping Mai Tais and texting her 600 cousins.

As most of the computer
programmers who worked in the industry had little or no English, this
made things difficult for the less than 37,000 native speakers of
English, who were still left in the U.S., mostly sprinkled around the
central states.

These events
had in turn impacted so heavily on the nation that not only had the
language itself suffered, but it was impossible to get a ham
sandwich, a hot dog or a cup of coffee anywhere in the United States
if all you spoke was Standard American English, as Spanglish was now
the official national language.

The demise of
the English language was not sudden but gradual over a period of
several generations with changes thought to be too small or
insignificant to matter. For example, as there were only three
grammatical articles in the language, these were the first casualties
of the undeclared war.

The Brits had
long ago ceased using 'the' for most things uttering phrases such as,
“Me mother's in 'ospital, again! Costin' me arm in a leg so it is!
Inconsiderate bitch!”

If you could
get over the fact that they spoke as if they had stones in their
mouths and lived in deathly fear of dropping one and you could hack
your way through any of the thousands of their cryptic dialects, you
would find they were a fairly intelligible people. However Americans,
being enamored,
(enamored), with
the British accent soon followed suit and communication suffered
further.

The Aussies, Kiwis and South
Africans hadn't fared much better in terms of preserving English.
Having been isolated so long from the rest of civilization they had
developed what they mistakenly believed to be their own form of
'proper' English.

What with
'roo' for kangaroo, 'bottling his bloods worth' to mean someone who
was very helpful and 'G'day' for hello with 'Hooroo' for good-bye,
people in the civilized countries were generally dumbfounded at how,
beyond sex and eating, people below the equator communicated at all.

Except for the persistent
inability to pronounce the word 'out', or any derivation with the
vowel combination of O and U, the Canadians remained relatively
unaffected as, not wanting to cause trouble, they were game to go
along with anything everybody else said.

Prepositions were the next to be
infected with the communicative cancer which insidiously metastasized
until nearly all of these linking words had been eaten away save for
a few such as 'to', now spelled exclusively 'too', too include the
number, too.

Fifteen after
eight, for example became just “fifteen
eight”. The confusion caused by fifteen before or until eight as
opposed to after eight was eliminated by saying, “It is forty-five
minutes seven.” Which in turn, of course, meant that times like
seven twenty had to be said to be forty minutes six.

All this,
predictably, wreaked havoc on daylight savings time which, due to the
economy, people only had to work a three to four hour work day
anyway, and so was simply eliminated.

The U. S. GNP hit rock bottom.

So, much like
the Celtic peoples
who, thousands of years ago had been split into several nations, lost
contact with one another and quickly fell into a situation whereby,
even though they all spoke the Celtic language, they were completely
unable to communicate with one another giving us the Welsh, Scots and
Irish, the people who came to temporarily occupy Nurtheren Urop and
the Amerikas, the English speaking, Anglo peoples drifted further
apart.

Җ

Every school
student of course knows about these events.
You get all this when you take Chemercology in high school.
Chemistry, Biology and American History combined, a course favored by
most school districts to save money by hiring only one teacher in
lieu of three.

Also since no one could pass high
school chemistry or biology and history was eliminated as a serious
area of study and struck from the curriculum during the Olson Twins
Administration, few now know of the bleak back story of how the
country of The United States of America arrived at the situation in
which it currently found itself. Allow me to elucidate.

(For members of the G.O.P. or
D.N.C., that means: to explain.)

THE
BB STACKERS

CHAPTER TWO

Җ

Middleville,
Ohio could, in reality, be called an average American town. Some
would label it middle of the road, run of the mill or politically
centrist. It was all of these. At least by average standards.

People went to work, paid their
mortgages, medical bills and grocery bills. They took out second
mortgages to pay for the school tuitions for their kids so that they
too could graduate college. Graduate college and get jobs, buy
houses, pay their mortgages and in turn have kids they could send off
to school, be disappointed in and who would grow up to resent them.

All this, of course, was done on
credit.

Ever since the onset of the
Economic Collapse of Industry, ECOLI for short, the good citizens of
Middleville dutifully supported American industry by buying Japanese
and German cars so folks like the United Auto Workers could still get
their government mandated subsidy payments to keep the U.S. economy
afloat and prevent it from collapsing altogether.

The subsidy was needed so that
the United Auto Workers rank and file could still show up at the near
empty factories, turn on the lights, oil the rusting machinery,
rearrange the office furniture and sweep and mop the floors before
closing up for the afternoon. This of course only took the massive
work force a few hours each day but following the complete collapse
of negotiations between the government appointed negotiators and the
UAW union reps, under President Oboomboom, fifteen hours a week was
all the time the factory workers were willing to put in.

Other industries hadn't fared as
well.

The farmers, for instance, who
now in spite of only comprising 1.3% of the population but thanks to
scientific advancements, were producing 100% of all the food for the
country with an annual surplus of between 35 to 37%. Said scientific
advancements however, had been largely mishandled by the former Paris
Hilton administration, the first female president of the United
States.

Though she had been legally
elected on the imaginary 'Glass Ceiling' platform and served her full
term, Helen
Cliton had been
disqualified as the first female president by The
Guinness Book of World Records
on the grounds that her actual gender could never be officially
confirmed. Even when her brigade of lawyers argued that gender was a
patriarchal construct.

The nation's farmers, thanks to
negotiations led by the Republican controlled People Who Plant Things
in the Ground for a Living Union, were paid to destroy all their
excess crops.

Donating the millions of tons of
excess wheat, barley and flax to the starving of the third world
nations was voted down in Congress on the premise that it was a step
towards socialism which, as everybody knew was the first step on the
road to communism. Consequently, the logic went, those poor
unfortunates of the Third World would only come to depend on the
unlimited generosity of the good people of the U.S. of A. and
therefore would never be motivated enough to develop their own,
independent farming industries.

Burning the crops and letting a
few foreign populations starve to death was, logically speaking, for
their own good.

In fairness Congress had however,
passed an appropriations bill where-by said, starving third world
countries could purchase their own farm and factory equipment from
the U.S. on a kind of lend-lease arrangement. After all such a scheme
had worked before.

The generosity of the Congress
even extended so far as to offer to offset the multi-trillion dollar
price tag for the equipment by extending the lease over a 500 year
period so as to make the payments smaller.

Җ

It was here in Central
Middleville there resided a humble factory worker, Thaddeus Enoch
Pervers.

Pervers was a tall man, so
tall that in all the years since finishing the eighth grade no house
he ever inhabited had seen or owned a stepladder. In fact when his
public school, pubescent peers had all found part time employment
with delivery jobs or paper routes, young Thaddeus earned his weekend
movie money by changing light bulbs in neighbor's houses or
retrieving stranded cats from low hanging tree branches.

'Stilts', 'Tall Boy' and
'Ichabod Crane' were but a few of the derogatory insults suffered by
young Pervers as a school boy. His mother thought of him as more of
an Abraham Lincoln. His father, unfamiliar with B. F. Skinner’s
theoretical concepts of child encouragement and himself of average
height, didn't involve himself much in the young boy's school
affairs.

Thaddeus’ seventeen inch
shoes had to be handmade and since all the trades in America had died
off years ago, replaced by imported goods, it was only by the skilled
cobblers in Mexico that he was able to buy footwear. As a consequence
his bedroom closet was always stocked with no less than fourteen
pairs of shoes. Shoes for all occasions. Informal, formal,
semi-formal. School, casual, and recreational. Recreations such as
basketball, a sport in which he eventually found it impossible to
find opponents to play against.

He nearly never ate large
full meals but took his food as nature and natural selection had
intended for all mammals, eating multiple small feedings throughout
the day. His constant but innocuous munching annoyed some, but
all-in-all was the only manner in which he could derive any culinary
pleasure, that is from small but frequent meals.

His wife, in contrast, a
short stout woman, grazed constantly throughout the day.

This contrast in morphology
caused Thaddeus to quietly keep the framed picture of his tall
slender self and his short, plump wife in his nightstand drawer
rather than on display. Standing side-by-side one was reminded of the
Italian first person singular or the fourth moon of Jupiter, Io.

Thaddeus
worked as a Steenberger micro heating unit calibrator for the
Brubaker Ball Bearing Corporation, in Brubaker, Ohio.
The Brubaker Manufacturing, one of the country's dozen corporations
which owned the thousands of factories that now crowded the American
landscape, had the world-wide contract to manufacture the ball
bearings for the failsafe mechanisms in automobile safety belts.

It was Thaddeus's job to
carefully regulate the temperature in the micro oven of the von
Rollen machine which produced the calcium carbonate necessary to
produce the mineral Arsonol which was needed to polish the seatbelt
bearings to within the .0001 mm required so that they could fall into
the little slots in the slotted locking mechanism which, on the car's
impact, would lock the belt in place and save the driver and/or
passenger's life.

Due to the new
laser activated anti-collision sensors and the improved air bags
installed in every car that now rolled off the automated lines, a
mechanism which shut down and diverted any vehicle on a collision
course with anything, the ball bearing mechanisms at Brubaker had
become redundant and no longer served any purpose. They were as
useful as a leaky boat in a storm. Tits on a bull. A democrat and a
republican trying to agree on a congressional bill.

Useless.

But because
Brubaker was the nephew of an uncle twice removed of the district
Republican representative, he was allowed to keep his factories. For
an annual contribution to the appropriate political cause of course.

Thaddeus was
neither political nor apolitical. He wasn't a liberal nor was he a
conservative. He was never sure what a NeoCon was so he had no
interest in being one of those. Back in high school he had read how
Communists, although they had devised a secret way to breed their
children without the horns and forked tails most Americans had heard
about, they in fact did used to have them at one time. Mostly back in
the Nineteen Fifties.

He had no
blood relations in the Republican Party that he knew of, and so
couldn't engage in sexual relations with them to earn his party card
in the GOP. Therefore the certified incest requirement to become a
member of the Republican Party was an iron clad barrier.

He had also read up on Democrats
and how they were always speechin' about 'the people' and 'helping
the people' and 'doing things for the people' which sounded a lot
like watered down communism to Thaddeus. Due to this and the fact
that he read somewhere most of the money the Dems collected in taxes
to help other people was unaccounted for, he decided not to grow up
to be a Democrat.

Thus, back
during his secondary education,
when exploring political parties as possibilities in which to spend
his parenthood once he reached the age of procreation, he came across
nothing that attracted him. So he moved on to other pursuits content
in the knowledge that he hadn't completely wasted those thirty-seven
minutes that afternoon in the school library and still had time to go
home and play a couple of hours of GTA.

He was particularly excited that
day because version, 87 had just been released by CRAP Games Inc.

Thus Thaddeus
had grown up with no strong political feelings, leanings or
inclinations in any real direction which his friends or family could
ever discern. To this day he didn't read either of the national
newspapers, listen to the national radio station and only passively
followed any of the major league games of football or baseball.

He had no
interest in cars, as many young boys do, but he learned to drive just
as SUV's
were no longer practical and fell from their place of prestige in the
middle class as the American soccer craze died down. After all,
soccer was a European sport which they called football, and football
without using your hands had always been considered a little
suspicious to many Americans. Too socialist by their reckoning which
was borderline communistic.

Thaddeus'
wife, Prudence
and he had a seventeen year old son. Due to the fact that tangerine
flavored
Jell-O was Prudence's favorite
food, they named their son Taranjello.
Had he been born a girl he would have been named Orangejello for his
father's favorite food.

Taranjello
was a good kid but his incessant bumbling was lovingly mistaken by
his parents for hidden potential. Like the time he accidently
overheard his father complaining about the skyrocketing cost of
gasoline and so decided to help out by filling the gas tank with
water. To save on buying more gas. So his dad could get to work.

This bumbling
at times was costly but his hidden genius, his parents fervently
believed, would no doubt manifest itself when the time was right.
After all it was probably only a mere 15 to 16 year phase he was
going through.

Now married
and having made the Potential Future Homeowner's List in the
government's Office of Residence Registry, the Pervers would have a
place of their own soon. Just as soon as someone died and a home came
open so they could have their name entered in the annual lottery.
They currently awaited word for an interview but as the main office
of the O.R.R. in Middleville had been shut down due to lack of
available rental space, there was still no word.

Even though funding had run out
for the Republican sponsored San Diego to Houston barrier wall
project and Americans were flooding over the border into the Free
Republic of Mexico, housing was still scarce.

This good news
about the potential to win the lottery provided some comfort to the
Pervers because with the allotted 1.5 children, the one room
apartment they shared was getting more and more crowded. The .5 meant
the Pervers had also made the waiting list to have a second child
should the first born prove too intelligent, too productive, or
threaten to make a meaningful contribution to society without proper
government approval.

However, it
was decided, after Taranjello's
last school IQ evaluation, there would probably not be a second
child.

Overall
Thaddeus
Enoch Pervers led a normal, Middleville existence. Thaddeus's life
was abnormally normal to the point people would comment at parties
and functions about the Pervers.

“I hope we
never become that normal!” They would remark. To which the person
they were with would usually reply, “Yeah, that's abnormal! I'm
glad we're just normally normal!”

Except for his Friday night
double American cheese-food burger with a side order of American
Freedom fries and a Diet Coke Extra Lite, at the local Bowl-A-Rama
where his team, The BB Stackers, would practice for the thrice
yearly, bi-annual Bowl Off, life was almost painfully normal.

The BB
Stackers, Thaddeus, Joe, Bob and Fred were all sons of former
assembly line workers back when the factories were still operational.
They came by their jobs, in this time of record unemployment, through
adherence of the hard hat mentality passed down to them by their
grandfathers through their fathers and which they would in turn
faithfully pass on to their children. Tradition was still held as a
sacred value by these simple folk and therefore not subject to
violation by influx of so called 'progressive' ideas.

“200 proud
years of tradition unaffected by change or progress!” was the proud
motto of the Beaver Lodge, proud sponsors of The BB Stackers,
Thaddeus, Joe, Bob and Fred's proud bowling team. And to prove it a
huge beaver was proudly spread wide across the backs of their baby
blue and gold, silk bowling shirts.

They were some proud beavers.

It
was just past half past eight one Friday evening down at the
Bowl-O-Rama and Joe had just bowled his fifth consecutive strike
which boosted his score to 150 and put him even with Thaddeus,
Bob and Fred. Feeling a bit thirsty, and in an unusual deviation from
the norm, Thaddeus decided on a second Diet Coke Extra Lite.

He excused
himself from the bench where he sat next to Fred, across from where
Joe sat next to Bob, where they always sat, and meandered up to the
snack bar next
door in the Greek Diner.

He was
compelled to stand in line as several members of the Youth for Change
in America were ahead of him. The YFCA were having their monthly
mixer.

They were a
non-political youth organization designed to inform young people of
how the American political system worked. Essentially the group
encouraged the youngsters not to waste their youth trying to change
things that couldn't be changed. That could be done later by somebody
else.

“Old age and
treachery will always overcome youth and enthusiasm!” read the
motto on the backs of their jackets.

As he stood in
line he overheard a couple of Blinders in the booth next to him
discussing the latest NewsCorp broadcast emanating from the big
screen, vapor T.V. hovering above the door to the men's toilet.

Although most
of the country was occupied watching one of the popular reality or
game shows at that hour, some like those in the El Greco Greek Diner
which occupied the east half of the Bowl-A-Rama, were watching the
Eight O'clock NewsCorps Info-tainment Show. The smartly appointed
studio set, from where the show was being broadcast, featured a well
groomed, well lighted and well quaffed, perfectly postured digital
announcer with just a touch of grey to add respectability. With a
Walter Cronkite -like staccato voice he was announcing an
announcement.

The twelfth consecutive
twenty-five year ban on the findings of the Warren Commission have
finally expired and the results were today given to a senate
sub-committee which has released its findings.

CUT TO: Massachusetts Senator
Edward Kennedy the 17th standing at a dais in the Senate. He spoke
with a thick Bostonian dialect.

On closer
examination of theCIA’s
enhancement of the Zapruder film and accompanying testimony it has
been determined that the JFK assassination mystery has been solved!

It has been
determined that President
John F. Kennedy actually shot himself!

The tragic
accident occurred while the president was apparently mishandling a
side arm which belonged to one of his Secret Service body guards.
This conclusion is based on the evidence that the bullet entered
the president's head from the front, exited the back and made a
measurable bullet-sized hole, in the head.

The
Zapruder
film clearly shows, at the moment he is shot, the Glock 9mm being
thrown from the president's hand and that is when, through quick,
split second thinking and cat-like reflexes, Jackie Kennedy, the
President's alleged, espoused wife, climbed out and onto the back of
the limousine to retrieve the weapon.

RETURN TO STUDIO:

There you
have it! Conclusive evidence indeed that the
wrong man, Lee Harvey Oswald was unjustly executed by Jack Ruby, no
doubt a government agent hired by the CIA, for the murder of our
thirty-fifth president, John Fitzgerald Kennedy.