“I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.”

Ironically, this marks the first time Kristen and Rob have officially confirmed their relationship, so nothing like getting that out of the way in the context of letting the director of her latest franchise kiss her vagina in a car. Which is strange because he doesn’t look gay or Jewish, and Kristen was still heterosexual afterward. So either John Travolta made all that stuff up, or gay Jews can shape-shift now exactly as I feared. Quickly to Chick-fil-a! Their powers are useless there.

UPDATE: If anyone cares, Rupert Sanders released a statement to People, too:

“I am utterly distraught about the pain I have caused my family,” Sanders tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement. “My beautiful wife and heavenly children are all I have in this world. I love them with all my heart. I am praying that we can get through this together.”

Fun Fact: Rupert’s wife Liberty Ross played Kristen Stewart’s mother in Snow White and The Huntsman, so this is all just an extra special kind of fucked up. Fortunately, he’s praying now because that makes penises travel back in time and not bang young actresses. I saw it on The 700 Club once.