The Mercaz HaRav Massacre

How does one experience great joy on what for me is the saddest day of the year?

As my son’s third yahrtzeit approaches, I can hardly believe it has been three years already. It seems like just yesterday I would wait in anticipation for him to arrive home from yeshivah, my ears pricked to hear him walk in the door. But sometimes it seems like an eternity since I last saw him.

Avraham David was one of eight boys and young men killed in a terrorist attack on Rosh Chodesh Adar, March 6, 2008, while learning in the library of Yeshivat Mercaz HaRav. He was one of five boys who were high school students from Yashlatz.

Grief never goes away, but it changes over time.

So much has changed since then. The most obvious, for me and my family, is that Avraham David is gone. Grief never goes away, but it changes over time. Initially, there was great shock. Just hanging in there was an act of faith that, if God had a plan, He would be there for us. Now, three years later, life has a lot more routine. His brothers get to school on time, supper gets cooked, there is even time and energy for extracurricular activities for the kids and a dance class for myself.

I actually cry more frequently now. The greatest shock has passed, so now when I think of how much I miss Avraham David, what I feel is intense sadness. That feeling is always somewhere in the background, informing my decisions, and that is precisely why most of the time I am just busy living.

There is an expression, “When God closes a door, a window opens.” Going through a door is a way of getting someplace, or, metaphorically, not being “stuck.” When a door is closed to us, it is hard not to feel both lost and trapped. When God opens that window for us, He is providing us with a way of getting un-stuck. But it is our decision whether we take that window.

When leaving a room, people almost always choose the door. Not only is it convenient, it is habit. When a person takes the window, chances are they need to be a little more creative than usual. Who knows if this metaphoric window is even on the first floor? Not only that, but it forces a person to challenge his or her conventions, his or her expectations of what “ought” to be the way to leave a room, demanding a kind of emotional creativity, too.

Video: Interview with Rav Weiss, the Rosh Yeshiva of Yashlatz, right after the attack. Part 1.

Sometimes it is tempting to stay next to a door, hoping, crying and even praying that it will open again. The decision that most helped me and my family to cope with our loss was the decision to accept that the door had been closed: a big, important door had been irrevocably slammed in our faces. I made a firm decision to accept what we still had and to cherish its blessings. I decided to take the window.

This helped me enable my other kids to go on living, to grow and thrive, despite their own grief. Also, it opened up new possibilities for me. I no longer felt as limited by convention, and I found I cared a lot more about other kids, as well. I realized I wanted to connect with Avraham David’s classmates at Yashlatz. On the one hand, it is symbolic. They are “the boys who lived,” but it is also genuine. It is conventional for a mother to care mostly about her own children, but, as long as I’m taking the window, why not buck convention and care about other kids, as well, if I’ve got love to spare?

Proof that this was a good path was not long in coming. Approaching the first Shavuot after the attack, I was overcome with grief to think that Avraham David’s seat would be empty during Shavuot learning. It dawned on me that the high-schoolers would probably feel even worse, with five of their fellow students missing. So we baked cakes. My kids and I baked cakes in Avraham David’s memory for his friends to eat in the beit midrash on Leil Shavuot. Grief is a kind of love, so we expressed it in love, in a way that nurtured Torah and life.

For the sake of Avraham David’s memory and for the sake of life, I continue to invest as much as I can in my family, and also in Yashlatz. It is no coincidence that my pet project at Yashlatz is the new dining hall that is still in the planning stage, but that we hope to begin building soon. “Without flour there can be no Torah,” and if some of that flour is turned into cake, all the better!

I am discovering that there is joy in so much more than I would ever have realized.

Avraham David’s yartzeit falls on Rosh Chodesh Adar, the day on which we proclaim, “Mishenichnas Adar marbim basimchah – from the beginning of Adar, joy increases.” This injunction falls upon me no less than on all Jews. How does one experience great joy on what for me is the saddest day of the year? There is not one short answer to this, but the beginning of an answer lies in the change of path I have been forced to take. Although the day is associated with sadness for me, I am also discovering that there is joy in so much more than I would ever have realized.

Of course, this does not mean that we are happy Avraham David has died. It just means we can be happy even though we are sad that Avraham David has died. The window did not lead me back to the path that the door led to, but to someplace else that is full of my love for Avraham David, even though he is not in this world to receive it.

I believe that Avraham David’s soul is now in the light of the Divine Presence, and I also believe that somehow he still knows how much we love him and miss him. As for us, the window we took is full of the light of his memory.

Video: Interview with Rav Weiss, the Rosh Yeshiva of Yashlatz, right after the attack, Part 2.

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About the Author

Rivkah Moriah is the mother of Avraham David Moses Hy”d, a student at the Yashlatz high school who was killed in the terrorist attack at Mercaz HaRav on March 6, 2008. Rivkah grew up in rural New Hampshire and studied at Oberlin College in Ohio. She moved to Israel in 1989 and studied at Machon Pardes, during which time she completed her conversion. Rivkah lives in Efrat with her husband, Rabbi David Moriah, an educator at Yeshivat Chorev in Jerusalem.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 29

(29)
T.K.,
April 15, 2013 11:52 AM

My heart wrenches and aches with you beloved Rivkah.

(28)
Erica,
March 12, 2011 11:17 PM

Inspired by your strength

You are an inspiration and every day that you choose love is a victory. Thank you for sharing your private thoughts with us.

(27)
Rivka,
March 11, 2011 11:34 PM

You are not alone.

Since the day this tragedy happened, I said Hashkava for all of them and dedicated my tehilim reading to their neshamot. I was deeply affected by this incidence and I just couldn't imagine what your families were and are going through. All I could say is that may Hashem give you much strength in your life and may you have much much more nachas from your other children. Hashem yinkom damam.

(26)
Shifra,
March 11, 2011 5:18 AM

Thank You

May Hashem give you and your family continued strength and all those going through difficulty

(25)
Anonymous,
March 11, 2011 4:39 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NH5E2Gqxgq4&feature=related A beautiful video that I think captures many emotions expressed in this heartfelt essay

(24)
Anonymous,
March 10, 2011 11:30 PM

To Mabel from MI (comment #9)

Mabel - everything is a part of G-d's plan. Even while we cannot understand it, and even while it so hard, there is a reason for everything, and whatever G-d does is best for us. Yes, even tragedies are a part of the Divine Plan - G-d knows everything that happens, and is involved with even the smallest of molecules at every second.

(23)
Donna Perel,
March 10, 2011 1:27 PM

There are no words

There are no words. I wish that I could put my arms around your family and around the whole yeshiva.... Viter, please go on and raise your son's neshoma higher through your chesed.

(22)
Kaylee,
March 9, 2011 10:29 PM

An extinguished light that still radiates from it's source. . .

Thank you for this story about your son. I cannot fathom losing a child and later finding joy, but I know that moving on while still growing and cherishing the memory would be the only option. Parents are supposed to go first, and even then, it's rough.
May Hashem continue to bless your family.

(21)
Avigayil S,
March 9, 2011 10:19 PM

i was crying as i remember

i was very inspired

(20)
Anonymous,
March 9, 2011 10:05 PM

special respect

i lived down the block from merkaz harav for 2 years, and knowing whats happened and what this yeshivas been through i feel a very strong special love and respect toward them all and walking past their building night after night and hearing their learning through the windows, such powerful learning , they have love of God and unity like ive never seen, G-d should bless that whole yeshiva and the families that have gone through so so much, thank you for being such an inspiration to the whole Jewish people and making us stronger then we were before.

(19)
Anonymous,
March 9, 2011 5:30 PM

beautiful

really appreciated your article. thank you

(18)
Carla,
March 9, 2011 5:00 PM

Thank you

We lost our youngest son in a horrific accident just a year ago. I know the pain of a mother's heart who has lost her son. Thank you for such beautiful and touching encouragement of how to walk through grief and still give love. I will keep your words and read them often. Bless you.

(17)
Anonymous,
March 8, 2011 9:12 PM

a positive ray of hope though its so painful..

May God heal this family's pain and keep all Jews safe from any more dangers. May the moshiach be on the way now and return us all to isreal in peace!

(16)
Grace Roofner,
March 8, 2011 5:23 PM

prayer for your sadness

May God bring you comfort and peace as you grieve the loss of your son. I will pray for this.
---from a Christian friend in the USA.

(15)
Anonymous,
March 8, 2011 6:20 AM

"The window did not lead me back to the path that the door led to, but to someplace else that is full of my love for Avraham David" - that is so, so beautiful. G-d bless you and all your family.

(14)
Marvin Kravetsky,
March 8, 2011 5:16 AM

my sympathy

reading local newspapers at the ;time of the horror and
now reading Aish Hatorah story is like thunder . The local news were not connecting. Just news but to see the interview and pictures of the martyrs how moving and how horrible for the parents.May Hashem Bless them ALL and KOL Israel.........amen and amen

(13)
Tzippy Erblich,
March 7, 2011 1:38 PM

Beautiful message

Thank you! I am in aveilus this year on the loss of my father and it is painful to not have him here. Your words and actions are an inspiration to me. May Hashem continue to give all of Klal Yisroel strength.

(12)
Natalie J. Ivanisko,
March 7, 2011 5:35 AM

Shabbot Shalom

Losing a child must be a most difficult heartbreak to experience. Thank you for the courage to post your soul. "Grief never goes away, it just changes."

(11)
leah,
March 7, 2011 3:35 AM

I still cry for all of the these boys/men. I cry for their parents. I cry for their chavrusas and their rabbis. Please Hashem we will see them when Moshiach comes and they will be reunited.

(10)
Anonymous,
March 6, 2011 11:02 PM

Thank you for sharing

Thank you for telling how you move forward to overcome the pain and grow closer to HaShem. May we be zoche to have Moshiach now.

(9)
Mabel from MI,
March 6, 2011 10:31 PM

This untimely death is not part of God's plan

Death robes us from our loved ones. When it comes from a terrorist act, it is not part of God's plan, yet God's love is manifested in what comes afterward. Please read "On Life After Death" by doctor Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. She states that the experience of death is almost identical to the experience of being born. One is born to a different form of existence, an existence surrounded by the extreme love of God's Unconditional Love... Avraham David is in the best place ever, and you are receiving the grace of learning to love unconditionally, you must read this book...

(8)
Ava Reinfeld,
March 6, 2011 10:06 PM

Avraham David

I am so sorry for your loss. When I looked at your son's photo it reminded me of my friend with the last name Rachmeil, the resemblance was uncanny. Then I heard that part of the Rabbi's name was also Rachmeil probably spelled differently. I felt compelled to comment as I do not believe in coincidences. Again, I am sorry for your loss may G-d be with you and your family.

(7)
Marie Slade,
March 6, 2011 9:43 PM

Tragedy

I was in Jerusalem in a hotel two blocks from where this tragedy occurred. I could hear the gun shots and witnessed, from the hotel balcony, the untold number of emergency vehicles that raced to the scene. My trip to Israel was a lifelong dream of mine and unfortunately one of the prominent memories is of this needless tragedy. I've always prayed for the safety of the Jews in Israel but until this happened it always seemed so far away. NOt any more.

i have never lost a child. its only the grace and mercy i dont go there also. i pray all the time to have the gift of accepting death of a loved one or any others that has been thru something like this. there are somethings that we will never know untill we reach heaven , and then it wont matter because we will be in light day and night with our savior. in the meantime, we just have to keep our faith up and be as strong as we can be. we are weak, but thats when God is stronger.God bless isreal.

(4)
Phyllis Norwood,
March 6, 2011 6:32 PM

this cannot continue

My heart bleeds for Israel. I am a Christian, but I love Israel. How could a mother live with this?

(3)
Anonymous,
March 6, 2011 4:23 PM

Today...

Today is my son's birthday and as I celebrate his birth I will also remember this son's life as well. I am an American, a Christian and a mother. I wish everyone could love and respect each other. I wish that religions that teach hate and death would implode and disappear. Children are being raised with hate in their heart in the name of religion and it's disgusting. Children are being taught such little regard for human life and we need to change this! I know there is a reason for everything and know that this child is with God. I am glad this mother turned sorrow into healing. I pray the rest of the world will start loving and respecting each other and this type of senseless terror/crime will stop...

(2)
Dina,
March 6, 2011 2:08 PM

Thank You

I was a seminary student when this attack happened, and I remember wondering how could it be that the Torah did not protect them, but it is as Rav Weiss said some things are beyond our understanding. But these boys fulfilled their taphkid, and im"h are helping to bring the Mashiach. To all the parents may Hash-m comfort you among the mourners of zion. Thank You for this article on your very private grief, thank you for showing us how to live our lives even within the grief.

(1)
MiR,
March 6, 2011 1:46 PM

kol hakavod

congratulations for your inner strength and your enormous ability to learn from grief. I pray every minute of my life that prejudices and invisible barriers between humans will disappear. They still are because we allow certain powers to think through us insted of having our own ideas. We are All One. Hope we will All agree on this one day. No more hatred, give way to LOVE.