Ask Amy: Teenage girl wants mother to quit volunteering

Friday

Woman doesn't want to stop volunteering because she like working with the kids and her friends (who also volunteer), but she can’t take the stress this creates with her daughter.

Dear Amy: I have always been a stay-at-home mom who loves to volunteer and be part of my community. I usually chair artistic programs at our local school. I also support functions (fundraisers for the schools) as a creative director.

I have a teenage daughter who wants me to stop helping out at school and be available only when she asks (that would only include driving her and her friends around).

I do not hover over her and don’t treat her any differently from the other kids I work with, so as not to embarrass her. I have always supported her independence.

Lately, any questions we ask her are looked on as an intrusion on her privacy.

She has lots of friends and everyone thinks she’s a great kid, but our relationship has become so strained.

Should I stop volunteering? I don’t want to stop because I like working with the kids and my friends (who also volunteer), but I can’t take the stress this creates.

Is she being a typical teen? Should I butt out? — Helping Out in California

Dear Helping: Let’s stipulate that you are no more appalling than any mother of any teenage girl.

Let’s further stipulate that teen girls seem to find their mothers universally appalling. Additionally, your daughter sounds as though she’s going through a bit of a bratty stage.

If you ask her nicely what volunteer work she will permit you to do and she says, “Nothing,” and if she is unwilling to compromise, then remember that your job is to be patient, kind and firmly in charge of your own life — even as you slowly loosen your grip on hers.

When I was an angsty teenager, a mother's response to this sort of anguish was a parental sigh, followed by: “Well, I think you’ll live.”

If your daughter is extra concerned about her privacy, she is providing all the more reason for you to gently push up against it. Being on the fringes of her school environment might be the perfect solution.