The Sycamore Tree

The sky blacked out. It began to rain, but he didn’t move. Bigger droplets and more of them fell ever faster. So, it rained harder upon him as he stood in front of his father’s grave. The stone darkened in seconds, even quicker than his clothes. The big sycamore beckoned him. It beckoned him and it offered him many minutes of shelter beneath thick green leaves. He briefly considered this offer. It was a kind offer with no strings attached, but he graciously declined. Partly, he declined because he was soaked by the rain, but mostly he declined because he wanted to remember his father, and he required continuity of thought to achieve this. His father had died twenty-nine years ago. He was now thirty-eight. He was beginning to forget what his father had looked like; this saddened him deeply, but it was an inevitable fact of life, memory, and ageing. For the rest of his life, memories of his father continued to blur, despite this visit. On his deathbed though, he remembered his father with a vivid and wonderful clarity, and he took this memory into the next life, assuming there was such a thing.

Loved "Bigger droplets and more of them fell ever faster." (that's what I mean by tight and graceful). But maybe it needs commas after droplets and them?

"So, it rained harder upon him" sounded as if "in summary ..."

Loved "the stone darkened"; also "It was a kind offer with no strings attached, but he graciously declined".

"The big sycamore beckoned him. It beckoned him ..." would, for me, have more flow if combined.

"Partly, he declined because he was soaked by the rain" - should this read "he was already soaked ..."?

"His father had died twenty-nine years ago. He was now thirty-eight." I had to stop and work this out, which interrupted the flow - I'd have found it easier if you'd told us the man was 9 when his father died.

From "he was beginning" to the end had some great stuff in it, but seemed somehow as if it needed tightening up.

"and he took this memory into the next life, assuming there was such a thing" confused me a little - if he took the memory into the next life, there must have been such a thing. Also sudden change of POV from his to yours.

Think you need to make, also, more of the tree, which you managed to make seem alive.

Am I being too picky/detailed? Sorry, trying to be helpful. I guess because it's flash, every word counts. But I really liked this piece, found it a moving image, a man alone in the rain by his father's grave, the tree. You made the man and the tree very vivid to me.

The big sycamore beckoned him. It beckoned him Here’s a dilemma for you. Anj thinks you should change this. I think it’s one of the most poignant lines in the story. One occasion where repetition comes into its own.

His father had died twenty-nine years ago. He was now thirty-eight. Yes, I agree with Anj here. This stopped me too. It reads as if the second sentence is referring to his father. ou could just switch them round.

He was beginning to forget what his father had looked like; this saddened him deeply, I think, in a tight little piece like this, you should replace the semi-colon with a full stop.

This is a wonderful illustration of a father’s influence on his child. And the fact that time means little when you are missing someone.

Very well written. Is this another example of your ‘writings-under-duress’?

Dee
:)

<Added>

ou could just switch them round. ? ou? What am I on?
You... You could switch...

Wonder if I made myself clear - I wasn't talking about losing the sycamore beckoning, just combining the two sentences to read "The sycamore beckoned him and it offered ..."? Perhaps I did, perhaps I didn't.