Wind This Wayhttp://windthisway.com
Finding my way through life's twists and turns.Mon, 19 Feb 2018 13:05:04 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.378178076BJJ: Knuckle Punkhttp://windthisway.com/2018/02/18/bjj-knuckle-punk/
http://windthisway.com/2018/02/18/bjj-knuckle-punk/#respondMon, 19 Feb 2018 02:45:01 +0000http://windthisway.com/?p=811About a year ago, I was teaching classes for my first major software deployment and newly re-cleared to train BJJ after my hardware removal surgery. I tried to schedule the classes I taught so they didn’t interfere with Academy classes. I needed an outlet for the stress of constantly being “on” for my students. Despite … Continue reading BJJ: Knuckle Punk→

]]>About a year ago, I was teaching classes for my first major software deployment and newly re-cleared to train BJJ after my hardware removal surgery. I tried to schedule the classes I taught so they didn’t interfere with Academy classes. I needed an outlet for the stress of constantly being “on” for my students.

Despite taking a broken leg and two surgeries within a year like a champ, I was still a bit of a cupcake when it came to pushing myself.

I had just begun working with Rob, who is now one of my favorite instructors/training partners. I cannot tell you the date, but I will never forget the class – a Wednesday No Gi night working techniques from knee to belly. Rob is shorter than me but a good bit denser. Every time he took knee to belly, I made faces and noises. I complained about how uncomfortable it was and how much I didn’t like it.

After a while, Rob decided to make a point. He had me go knee to belly with my full weight on him. Then he reach up and pushed one knuckle into my sternum. I made a face and moved away. He asked me to examine the situation. He was able to hold my full weight without issue from a position where he couldn’t back away from the pressure. I felt the pressure of one knuckle and immediately tried to get away from it. The knuckle and the knee were both uncomfortable but neither was doing damage. They weren’t even going to leave a bruise. I absorbed that thought for a moment then asked him to push into me again, resisting the urge to move away. After the initial contact – almost like a “startle” reaction – the pressure was more annoying than painful and I pushed into it instead of backing away.

Thus began my journey into understanding the difference between pain and injury.

More recently, after a good hard training session, Rob commented the difference that he had seen. I went from punking out at the pressure of one knuckle to facing a line of “hopeless” submissions with grit and stubbornness. (And technically sound counter moves, but that’s another topic.) He started to fold my knee the wrong way, I fixed it and kept coming. He had to tell me about these things because, in the moment, it just felt like rolling as usual. I knew I was harder (more stubborn) to submit, but I didn’t realize how far I’d come. Another time, he had both of my sleeves and was pushing a knee into my chest hard. I honestly thought I was going to come away with a bruise. Instead of trying to get away from the pressure, I push into him while I was looking for a way out. I was going to be damned if I tapped to something that wasn’t a submission (aka pain compliance).

]]>http://windthisway.com/2018/02/18/bjj-knuckle-punk/feed/0811SoML: Two Girlshttp://windthisway.com/2018/02/11/soml-two-girls/
http://windthisway.com/2018/02/11/soml-two-girls/#respondSun, 11 Feb 2018 23:42:32 +0000http://windthisway.com/?p=572A few months back I saw Paranoid Social Club live for the first time in a long time and was reminded of how much I love this song. PSC’s songs tend to be on the upbeat and playful side of my alt-spectrum. They are an ass-shaking, head-banging good time. But this one goes a little … Continue reading SoML: Two Girls→

]]>A few months back I saw Paranoid Social Club live for the first time in a long time and was reminded of how much I love this song. PSC’s songs tend to be on the upbeat and playful side of my alt-spectrum. They are an ass-shaking, head-banging good time. But this one goes a little further.

What is Two Girls? It’s Ludacris’s “lady in the street but a freak in the bed” concept expanded upon in glorious and catchy detail. It lays out the dichotomy of what men desire in a woman with a sweet surprise at the end. (I also believe you could flip the gender roles and it’d still ring true.)

I need two girls
If I can’t have you
One that I can love
To have and to hold
One for at the club
One back at the home

Connection, romance, quiet nights at home. All good things. But sometimes you need to tear up the town a little. And if she’s like me, sometimes she needs to tear up the town without you. When I saw PSC, Dave was sick so I headed out alone. While he and I have a great time at concerts together, it is refreshing to be at a show totally unencumbered – I knew people there but I wasn’t “with” anyone, so I could leave, stay, dance close to the stage or at the back of the room. There were no needs, preferences, or opinions to contend with other than mine. After the show, I hung out with friends and stayed out until the bars closed. Not getting trashed or acting stupid. Just being out as late as I wanted, getting caught up in whatever random moments happen to come my way.

If you want a girl who’s got a wild streak, you best expect to give her free reign once and a while.

I need a girl that’s clean
To bring home to my mom
And one thats got legs that
Are open and long

Going back to Luda’s sentiments, looking for a woman who is both mother- and bedroom- approved. Sweet and polite at Christmas but open for biz’ness. I don’t really need to go into further detail on this, right?

One that thinks I’m right
One knows that I’m wrong
One that always fights
And throws my clothes on the lawn

You say support me, challenge me, look up to me, stand up to me. The aspiration of desire – men want to want an independent woman who calls their bullshit, but they might struggle when that’s exactly what they get. Be careful what you wish for.

This girl wears make-up
And that girl’s plain
This girl is great
But that girl’s insane

Friendly

Some consultants I worked with on a project referred to this as “high efficiency, low maintenance.” A woman who cleans up nicely when she needs to, but rock comfy pants and a baggy sweatshirt when it’s time to hit the road. A woman who won’t freak out about running errands with an unadorned face and messy hair. And that last bit? Why is it men think they want a little bit of crazy in their women? Perhaps they want something that reassures them they didn’t make the “safe” boring choice. Asked and answered, boys.

Fierce

One speaks french
And the language of love
The others bangin’ on me
Like an African drum

Sophisticated but a little bit twisted. Classy, sassy, and bad-assy.

I need two girls
We have to be done
Cause all these girls they add up
To like half of your sum
So if you break my heart
I’ll just be havin’ some fun
I need two girls

And why I count this among my many theme songs – you better believe you’ll need at least two girls if you can’t have me.

]]>http://windthisway.com/2018/02/11/soml-two-girls/feed/0572Lazy Bones Paleo Beef and Broccolihttp://windthisway.com/2018/01/25/lazy-bones-paleo-beef-broccoli/
http://windthisway.com/2018/01/25/lazy-bones-paleo-beef-broccoli/#respondFri, 26 Jan 2018 01:08:16 +0000http://windthisway.com/?p=793I have never been much of a cook. Neither was my mother. Neither was hers. I come by the whole “wander off and the food burns” thing pretty honestly. I don’t enjoy it and by some stroke of luck, I’ve landed with a guy who not only enjoys cooking but he’s good at it. REALLY … Continue reading Lazy Bones Paleo Beef and Broccoli→

]]>I have never been much of a cook. Neither was my mother. Neither was hers. I come by the whole “wander off and the food burns” thing pretty honestly. I don’t enjoy it and by some stroke of luck, I’ve landed with a guy who not only enjoys cooking but he’s good at it. REALLY good at it. So I find myself deferring to him on almost all things culinary.

Imagine my surprise when one night I come home after BJJ class to all the ingredients for laid out and ready for me to cook with an eager Dave waiting in the wings. He wasn’t saying “Hey woman, you cook tonight, I’m sick of it.” – he’d misread a text and thought I’d said I would make my beef and broccoli that night. And he was excited. About something that I cook. He said his versions didn’t come out as well as mine. His habit of tinkering with recipes (I call that “Dave-ifying”) actually made it more complicated and less tasty to him.

The recipe is quick combo I found online and then made even simpler. Simplifying is actually gracious – I made it as basic and lazy as possible. I looked at the list of 8 ingredients and thought “Well, I don’t have that and I don’t like that other thing. That third thing is a lot of effort. Can I cook this without going through all that effort?” What I came up with was this:

Lazy Bones Beef and Broccoli

Serves: 2-4. In our house, 2 and maybe a modest lunch. Reheats OK.
Time: I’m not sure, probably less than 30 min from fridge to table

1 pound+ package of beef (we prefer sirloin tips)

1 large package of frozen broccoli florets

Coconut aminos to taste (Trader Joe’s is good and stupid cheap)

Salt & pepper to taste

Preheat a non-stick skillet or wok over medium heat. If necessary, chop the beef into smaller chunks. Sprinkle/grind salt and pepper over the meat. Toss beef into the pan – if the beef is really lean, you may want to throw in a little oil to lube things up. Splash beef with coconut aminos. Stir periodically. Splash with coconut aminos again. Several minutes before the beef has reached your desired level of doneness (Don’t ask me how many minutes, I’m not that precise), throw in the frozen broccoli. Toss it around and watch the steam up like dry ice. Splash some coconut aminos on the broccoli and toss it around. Throw a pan cover over the mixture to trap in the moisture and steam the broccoli. Stir periodically. When the broccoli is warm and has turned a little darker in color, you’re done.

]]>http://windthisway.com/2018/01/25/lazy-bones-paleo-beef-broccoli/feed/0793BJJ: Grind This Wayhttp://windthisway.com/2018/01/01/bjj-grind-this-way/
http://windthisway.com/2018/01/01/bjj-grind-this-way/#commentsTue, 02 Jan 2018 03:02:18 +0000http://windthisway.com/?p=656August 31st was my two year Jitsu-versary. The picture of my feet on the mat for my first BJJ class is a Facebook memories that I will always want to “share.” It is the inspiration behind so much of my writing these days that perhaps this blog should be called ‘Grind This Way’ instead. If … Continue reading BJJ: Grind This Way→

]]>August 31st was my two year Jitsu-versary. The picture of my feet on the mat for my first BJJ class is a Facebook memories that I will always want to “share.” It is the inspiration behind so much of my writing these days that perhaps this blog should be called ‘Grind This Way’ instead.
First steps, first reps

If you had asked me two years ago what the On Ramp class would mean for me, I might have said something flip about choking dudes out. And in my head, that’s all I was doing – taking an intro class that was meant to give me some basic skills applicable to self-defense. I didn’t think of myself as someone who had started to “train Jiu Jitsu” until my first night on the big mats. Maybe not even then. I still make flippant comments about choking dudes out but BJJ is so much more than that to me.

It’s the Challenge

I started BJJ during a time of major transition in my life. My divorce was final but I hadn’t figured out where I’d live next. I was going to begin a 50% custody arrangement with my dogs. It was a welcome activity and distraction. I did not know it at the time but I also needed a challenge. You know, because finding a rental that accepts two Boxers and hitting the Portland, Maine dating scene in my 30’s wasn’t enough…

I still have a hard time pinpointing why I need this particular challenge. A friend defined the basic human needs as “feed, fight, fuck, and crow.” While BJJ clearly fits into the “fight” category, that need doesn’t have to be fulfilled so literally. I took up BJJ at a time when I had other battles in my life. Life is a crapshoot, shit can get hard in any aspect of it without your permission. This is a challenge that I get to pick out and say “This is really hard and I’m going to do it anyways.” Not because life forces me to – because I WANT to do it. This is the fight I choose. A fight that I use to become stronger as I face all the other fights in my life.

It’s the Puzzle

I’ve been addicted to puzzles for as long as I can remember. Possibly longer, as my parents have told me how I loved assembling jigsaws as a wee child. Jiu Jitsu, especially circuit training/rolling, is one big constantly changing puzzle. But unlike most puzzles, I have a hell of a time seeing where the pieces fit in. BJJ is wrestling chess – every move has a counter, going after one attack leaves you open to another, etc. Everyone is working on their own version of the puzzle but the rules and moves are roughly the same.

I’m in a never-ending (or so it seems) cycle of getting caught in traps of my own making. The first partner/lesson I recall was reaching up from the guard and getting caught in arm bars. Then I’d move my frames too far from center and get stuck in a gift wrap. More recently I learned a guard pass that involves putting an arm under one leg, which I thought I could use in rolling. After a few tough sessions it became obvious that if you don’t pull the pass off, you’re just asking for a triangle. (Non-BJJ folks – I considered trying to explain each situation above, but realized it would take a very long time for me to describe them clearly. Just imagine wrestling, moving for an advantage, and then having that squid guy from Star Wars pop into your head to yell “It’s a trap!”)

It’s the Community

This is the community I need. This is the part that is really hard to explain to other people. How this community is different from another gym or another team. Maybe it’s the crazy amount of physical contact that forces us to be more familiar and “intimate” with each other. (This article says yes.) I feel like even the more casual connections I’ve made at the gym are different from ones you’d make elsewhere. We’re all struggling separately but together. We’ve all found the fight in ourselves and we’re trying to honor it. Discovering our gameness.

In college, I chose to row crew. It’s a hard fucking sport. Long practices 6 days a week and 2 days a week of lifting on top of that. But (at least for me) it didn’t have the same feeling of being part of a community that this sport gives me. And we’re talking about something where you are all literally learning to move together as one! I stayed in the sport for 2 1/2 years out of sheer stubbornness, wishing for a community that never appeared. Others may have felt it but they didn’t feel it with me – I literally had someone talk over my goodbye at my last “hands in” after practice.

I am only starting to get close with a select few at the gym. But already I’m closer to most of the “regulars” at the gym than I was to any of my crewmates. In addition to a large group of supportive male training partners, there is a growing group of women who I’m bonding with on and off the mats.

It is so much more

Each of the items above are reasons that I choose this sport. But the sum is greater than its parts. There is an extra quality there that I find hard to identify or describe. I am drawn to this sport like nothing else in my life. Even in the heady, giddy early days of my romance with Dave, I still sought out BJJ. I was 4 months into training when I broke my leg and I spent 7 months chomping at the bit to get back. Sometimes I joke about going to class to get my frustrations out, but BJJ doesn’t make me feel aggressive. It gives me a place to move and focus my energy. It takes me out of my head and into my body and helps me put the other fights in my life into perspective. BJJ is the thing I seek out when I’m happy, when I’m irritated, when I’m scared. It is a difficult, evolving, complex part of my life and I am so thankful that I found it.

]]>Years ago, I tried out Stitch Fix and experienced multiple rounds of disappointment. If you read those posts, you’d probably be surprised to hear that I tried another clothes subscription service. Then my sister, who’s transitioning from scrubs to business clothes in her career, told me about Le Tote. There were a few significant differences that drew me in:

It is a clothes “rental” service with the option to buy. So you can really try things on before you commit to purchasing them. You can keep your tote and wear things as many times as you choose before deciding.

The clothes are offered at a discount price. They are gently used, but not showing signs of wear. To me it is no different from being the person to buy something after 20 people tried it on in the dressing room. Lee mentioned that they have seasonal clearance sales where you can get items at really low prices.

The clothes seemed more “middle of the road” than what I saw from Stitch Fix. There are way more open weave, shark bite, split back items than I would like, but there are staples too.

You see what you are getting before they send it and can swap items out if needed. You can choose from other items (provided your size is available) for up to 48 hours before confirming your tote.

The downside? Le Tote is $59 a month for 3 clothing items and 2 accessories or $69 for 4 clothing items. That’s at least triple the $20 “styling fee” that Stitch Fix charged. I understand why. You are paying to “rent” the clothes which they are also responsible for laundering (yep, that’s right – send ’em back “dirty”). And you can have as many totes as you can process in a month. If you send back your totes promptly, you might fit 4 totes into a month. If you’re able to wear everything in your tote, that would be an outfit or two a week. Or, if you got one tote you loved, you could keep it for the month and get lots of use out of those great pieces.

They have a referral program so Lee referred me for one free Tote. Because I don’t wear a lot of accessories, I opted for the $69 option with 4 clothing items. You can keep that tote for 14 days – then you must decide if you’re canceling or starting your paid subscription. Since I stayed with the service, she got $25 credit on her account the first time my account was charged.

When it comes to “styling your tote” I am fairly certain they use only an algorithm and not human input. The moment I finished signing up, I got an email saying my tote was ready for me to confirm. I wish I had thought to take a screenshot. My first thought when I saw the items they’d picked out was “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me?” I can’t remember all 4 items, but there was a cardigan (the one sweater style I specified I did NOT want) and a light, breezy maxi dress (I don’t care how mild October was, it’s still fall in Maine). Thank goodness for the swap feature! It took me a while to find 4 things in stock that I wanted, especially as the weather had finally started to get down to “seasonally” cool temperatures.

Tote #1

Let’s see how this goesMeh-mè

Sadly, the first item was an instant disappointment. The Noir Geometric Stripe Blouse (M) had looked like a pretty basic choice, to be honest, but I thought it’d be a nice switch from plain or pinstriped button downs. But as soon as I touched it? ICK! It felt like stiff and scratchy crepe paper, like the fabric of a shirt your memè would wear. I am a bit of a texture freak so that basically negated this one right off the bat. To be a good sport, I tried it on and … it looked a bit memè too – loose and a bit big around the hips. (For those not raised in a Francophone culture, memè = grandma.)

This isn’t going to work out

Next came the Hayes Cargo Pocket Jacket (M). I had just lost my fall fleece the week before and I was thinking it’d be awesome to have a coat to use while I searched for a permanent replacement. This was not that coat. As happens on so many clothing items for me, the arms were way too short. It might have been feasible on a shirt (call it 3/4 sleeve and move on) but not on a fall jacket. It was also so tight across the shoulders that I almost thought I’d have a “fat man in a little coat” Chris Farley moment when I put it on. Strike two.

Covered wrists = good.

Thankfully, things picked up a little bit with the last two items. When I first put the Hayes Loose Textured Ribbed Sweater (M)I thought I might have had a winner. The arms were longer than I needed, which is a novel thing for me. And, unlike every sweater Stitch Fix sent, it was actually warm. No cold zippers or open weaves. As I walked around the house to try it out, I realized it was actually a bit too big. The medium had been recommended based on my measurements but it was looser than I liked in the neck and body. Not horrible, but enough to make me think I’d prefer the next size down.

And finally, the Noir Zipper Detail Pants. Apparently the difference between pants and a legging is just the thickness in material because I would have called these a legging if I’d seen them in a store. They pulled on, were form fitting from top to bottom, and had no pockets. The zippers were purely decorative and, thankfully, cloth backed so that I didn’t have metal rubbing my thighs. The zippers made the top of the pants feel a little stiff when I walked around, but they were flattering enough that I decided I would wear them to work that Friday. I knew they weren’t a style I’d add to my closet but even a basic girl like me likes to play dress up every once and a while.

Tote #1 Verdict – 1 item worn, 4 items returned.

Tote #2

The second tote was better from the get-go. They created it from my “closet” and I only had to swap one thing out. No unpleasant fabric surprises and everything fit. First off, the Hayes Plaid Boyfriend Shirt (S). I took a risk and went with a Small on this one even though Le Tote recommended a Medium. I knew that “boyfriend” cut = loose fit and on me, too loose = droopy. My instincts were right, it was loose without being sloppy. The sleeves weren’t long enough unrolled but since this shirt was clearly meant to be worn with sleeves rolled, I wasn’t too concerned by it. I wore it out to my boyfriend’s birthday dinner. (The fitting choice of occasion only struck me as I typed it out, ha.) It was comfortable and warm enough for an indoor restaurant setting.

Visible shape and reasonable sleeves.

Take #2 for the Hayes Loose Textured Ribbed Sweater (S). I knew I should have listened to my gut the first time around, this was a much better fit. And, much to my surprise, the sleeves were still long enough. I really thought going down a size would end up meaning exposed wrists, especially since they are the same brand who create the jacket from my first tote. As you can see in the photo, it wasn’t tight but was fitted enough so show my silhouette and the neck wasn’t quite so wide and sloppy. This time I wore it to the office and found it worked. An unobtrusive wardrobe staple with enough styling and contrast detail to keep it from being boring.

Not too shabby

Next up comes an outfit for another casual Friday – Calvin Klein Mid-Rise Skinny Jean (28) with the BCBGeneration Checkerboard Sweater (S). The jeans were just what you’d expect – thinner denim fabric that fit in a “painted on” way. The inside of the fabric felt almost stiff, but it wasn’t something you notice when the pants are glued to you. Le Tote recommended the sweater be a size Small, which tells me that even if their tote “styling” is all computer, they are putting some human logic into their fit recommendations. It was a generous boxy cut and I would have been swimming in a medium. I can’t claim to understand the “sleeves that start way below your shoulder” trend but in this case it didn’t feel strange on my shoulders/upper arms and the styling was subtle enough that I liked it.

Tote #2 Verdict: 4 things worn, 4 things returned.

My first month started at the very end of October and, unlucky for Le Tote, I decided to implement a “no spend November” after taking a hard look at how much I’d been accumulating in “stuff” lately. If I hadn’t been on a spending diet, I most likely would have purchased the sweater and maybe the boyfriend shirt too. Their prices were reasonable ($32 & $38, respectively), they had a place in my wardrobe, and they fit well. The checkerboard sweater and skinny jeans weren’t in the running mostly because they were more money than I like to pay (I’m cheap).

Tote #3

Back to “their algorithm doesn’t get me” – none of the items in my “closet” were available and the system picked auto-selected total duds. And this time I did get a screenshot:

A mini-skirt, a vest, an off-the-shoulder blouse. The only reasonable thing is the athletic pants but it just so happens the athletic portion of my wardrobe is one of the main inspirations for “No Spend November.” Here’s the good thing about that whole Tote Swap feature – I had 48 hours to make my swaps and more items become available as other people returned their totes. I waited part of a day and was able to revamp my tote into something useful. I also decided to have a little fun – that’s part of the point of these things, isn’t it? So in addition to a warm work-appropriate top and a lighter work piece, I added a 3/4 sleeve full length maxi and a stylish jacket.

Comfy basic, check.

First, the cozy basic – Hayes Plaid Flannel (M) in blue and red. Other than the color being different than expected (it looked more like purple on my phone screen), this top delivered everything I expected. Soft, warm, solid straight forward cut and fit. As a bonus, didn’t seem to attract every little fawn hair when I gave Delta some love while I was wearing it. For those who have never lived with a Boxer or dog of similar coat type – that stuff sticks and weaves into everything! There may be a lot less than the double coated breeds, but it’s twice as hard to get rid of. With the churn of the holidays, I was a little slow in returning my tote, so I wore this top twice.

Cute? Check. Functional? Uhhh..

Then we have a two-fer. I had a short day in-office and it was warmer than usual outside, so I decided to “girl” and wear the Three Dots Side Slit Maxi (S) with the Max Studio Leatherette Moto Jacket (M). I found some black tights that I’m fairly certain I bought for a costume and the black flats I bought for a wedding and made it a full-girl outfit. My co-worker, a fellow tall woman and someone who frequently employs the work dress, loved the maxi. And so did I. It was soft, snug, flattering. I had to maneuver through some hem-minding since the split sides meant the back half hung low and might drag or get caught when I sat down.

The jacket was a fun prop but not entirely functional – not very warm and with very shallow “girl” pockets. If I were the type to have “looks cute but doesn’t do much” clothing in my wardrobe, it would have a place. But since I’m very functionally-focused, it was just a nice moment of playing dress up. I liked the outfit so much that I wore it for my bestie’s birthday dinner, this time with my boots.

So nice, I rocked it twice.Whole lot of meh

Finally, the only disappointment in the box, the Noir Shoulder Color Block Top (S). The top’s material was about what I expected, the cut wasn’t all that flattering but not bad. The kiss of death was the arms. I tried a couple different poses to try to show you what was wrong, but none of them showed it clearly. The arms were tight. Not just a little, but “if my elbow is bent not quite 90 degrees, the fabric is cutting into my arms” tight. If you’re planning to wear the top while spending an entire workday at a computer, that is a non-starter. Le Tote’s recommended a small – it definitely would have been too big everywhere else if I’d worn the medium. Overall, this top and I just aren’t a match.

Tote #3 Verdict: 3 things worn, 4 things returned.

Overall Verdict for my first Le Tote month: It’s a fun game to play. I like the options a lot more than Stitch Fix. The tote swap feature means I am not stuck if their algorithm misses big time. The price is still a little high for my tastes. A helpful feature is that you can pause the service at any time – for a week, a month, or whenever you decide to start it back up again. I paused it before I was charged for my next month (today)… but just for a week. #NoSpendNovember*. I’ll be keeping my eye on their clearance sales. Maybe I can scoop up some of this month’s winners for 1/2 price.

This article contains my referral link - it will give you one free tote which you can keep for up to 14 days. I will receive a one-time $25 credit when you are charged for your first month (if you choose to continue with the service).

*Except I found the Three Dots dress on sale for 1/2 the price during Bloomingdale’s Cyber Monday and I caved. 27 days is close enough, right??

]]>http://windthisway.com/2017/11/14/le-tote-review-meh-tote-or-yeah-tote/feed/0677BJJ: Ain’t That a Kick in the Headhttp://windthisway.com/2017/09/27/bjj-aint-that-a-kick-in-the-head/
http://windthisway.com/2017/09/27/bjj-aint-that-a-kick-in-the-head/#respondThu, 28 Sep 2017 01:34:49 +0000http://windthisway.com/?p=671Sometimes the best thing that can happen to your night is a kick in the head. Let me explain… Tonight, on the last roll of circuit training, another team crashed into me and my partner while we were both heads down (so neither of us saw it coming). A bony body part of another gym … Continue reading BJJ: Ain’t That a Kick in the Head→

]]>Sometimes the best thing that can happen to your night is a kick in the head. Let me explain…

Tonight, on the last roll of circuit training, another team crashed into me and my partner while we were both heads down (so neither of us saw it coming). A bony body part of another gym member crashed into my head/face with a loud crack that my partner likened to the sound effect of a knife cutting a cantaloupe. What went through my head was something like this:

“OUCH! ………Huh, it doesn’t hurt as much as I expected……… I hope it isn’t a concussion, that would be bad…….. it’s OK, they’ll know what to do.”

Not the same partner but similar position (Photo credit: The Academy)

It was moments before the timer ended the round. My partner suggested I not hop right up and I figured it was wise to follow his advice. People who were educated about such injuries (either by profession or by life) took a look and didn’t see anything alarming. Once that was established, Jay told me to resume rolling with my partner. It wasn’t for very long, but it was to provide a very important point…

As I have said many times before, I got into BJJ because I wanted to learn about self defense. Even though it isn’t the only reason I’ve stayed, I’m still interested in viewing and applying my skills through that lens. What had just happened to me, Jay said, was the equivalent of a large man deliberately punching me from a close distance. I now know what that feels like, but more importantly I know how I react. It startled me, but it didn’t subdue me. It didn’t take my facilities or abilities away from me.

As far as self-defense lessons go, that’s pretty huge. I am a 37 year old woman who has lead a relatively white bread life. I’m fairly certain that tonight was the first time in my adult life I’ve been struck in the head with real force. And even though it was an unfamiliar experience, it didn’t “undo” me – I could still think. I could still fight. If I can keep my wits when an unexpected blow lands, then I’m that much better prepared to respond to an attack that I see coming.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go snuggle with an icepack (as instructed).

]]>http://windthisway.com/2017/09/27/bjj-aint-that-a-kick-in-the-head/feed/0671BJJ: The First Step to Being a Bad Ass is…http://windthisway.com/2017/09/10/bjj-the-first-step-to-being-a-bad-ass-is/
http://windthisway.com/2017/09/10/bjj-the-first-step-to-being-a-bad-ass-is/#respondMon, 11 Sep 2017 01:34:18 +0000http://windthisway.com/?p=663Over the summer, I had been training in earnest for my first stripe in BJJ. Two weeks ago, I was signed off on all the drills and techniques except one … the sprawl. For a combination of physical and mental reasons, the sprawl is my personal Everest. The mental reason is easy to describe – … Continue reading BJJ: The First Step to Being a Bad Ass is…→

]]>Over the summer, I had been training in earnest for my first stripe in BJJ. Two weeks ago, I was signed off on all the drills and techniques except one … the sprawl. For a combination of physical and mental reasons, the sprawl is my personal Everest. The mental reason is easy to describe – to perform a sprawl, you essentially throw yourself to the ground and my brain thinks that is a bad idea. The physical part is harder to describe, suffice it to say that some parts tighter than they should be and others aren’t as strong as they need to be.

I had gone through periods of working on my sprawl and periods of avoidance for the last year. It’s hard to be persistent when you continue to suck at something and when there is nothing motivating you to make it happen. When I started working drills and techniques in preparation for the test, I would mix sprawls in but never really hammered at them. I’d be given a stretch to help my physical limitations and keep up with that, but was slow to seek out a next step or push forward on the exercise itself. It was hard and, given my physical issues, frequently painful.

A week ago, I had a little breakdown about the situation. At the two week mark, I’d asked Jay for his advice and (I realized later) focused on entirely the wrong piece of what he explained to me. I started working more diligently once I realized how close the test was. But I wasn’t getting better. It still hurt most times, it felt awkward as hell, and I still had to talk myself into every rep. People, especially the women, at the gym had all been encouraging me and assuring me that I could get the sprawls signed off in time. Last Saturday, after some particularly discouraging reps, I started to cry as I shoved my binder back into my gym bag. Crystal came up to talk to me and once again tried to encourage me. I told her it wasn’t going to happen and showed her video I’d taken the night before of how bad my sprawls truly were. She suggested that I talk to Jay – ask him what I needed to do to progress. I reluctantly agreed, feeling like a wimp and a failure for letting a goddamn warm up drill get the best of me.

What followed is hard to describe if you aren’t familiar with Jay. It was empathetic without coddling. It was direct in a way that might have been too harsh coming from someone else. He will feel your pain but he will not feel sorry for you. And, like any good Jay conversation, it was riddled with expletives and stories from his crazy past. My feelings of frustration were validated. My feelings of weakness and wimpiness were not. He gave me advice on dealing with the emotions and an exercise to address what he believed was the biggest physical challenge I faced. I took both to heart and I got to work.

A few days later, I was doing well with the exercise and checked in with Jay to make sure I was doing it as-prescribed. He told me it looked good and I could move on to the next iteration. The next step he described still sounded like a far cry from where I needed to be to get signed off. I had no expectation that I’d be able to test, but I felt good about my physical progress and my mental head space. On Friday, Jay decided to put us through various line drills at the beginning of class and he coached me the entire way through the sprawls. I was still going slow, it might have even felt more awkward than before, but it didn’t hurt. I appreciated the coaching. It felt as though he saw me taking his advice to heart and was taking my efforts seriously in return.

When I got home on Friday, I told Dave about Jay’s coaching. He said “So you’re testing tomorrow?” and I said that no, I still didn’t expect to test because I didn’t have sprawling signed off. I was possibly going to help someone by partnering with them so I planned to approach the day as though I was testing, but I wasn’t planning on going after my own stripe.

Here is the thing about me – I’m an eternal optimist. I often find myself imagining or hoping that a romantic gesture, or a great job opportunity, or a surprise party might happen. I see teeny signs that I think might just be hints at some wonderful thing that is about to appear. My actual expectations are realistic – I’d be heartbroken if I expected all of the good things my mind dreams up to materialize – but I can’t help but hope.

And on Friday night, I started to have that hopeful, surprise party feeling. That maybe Jay would encourage me or expect me to test on Saturday. Not that he’d make an exception but that he’d tell me that what he’d seen was sufficient (for 1st stripe level testing) and sign off that one last item. On Saturday morning, I got ready to attend the test and kept my expectations tempered. I still had the feeling but I reminded myself that it was far from a certainty.

As I pulled on my gi at the gym, I heard Jay call out my name. He came around the corner and asked “Are you testing?” I said that no, I couldn’t, I didn’t have sprawls signed off. He said “If they are signed off, are you testing?” and I said yes without hesitation. He grabbed a pen and marked off sprawls on my sheet. I’m sure anyone observing just saw the nervousness that hit me in that moment. I was instantly sweaty and a little shaky. And I was nervous. But I was also thrilled. The goal that I had set for myself, which had seemed out of reach, had been realized. The surprise party had happened.

A short while before the test started, as I fumbled around nervously on the mat, Jay told me that I didn’t have to test. I shouldn’t feel pushed into it. He said the first step to being a bad ass is saying no when you need to. I told him that I was testing, I wanted to test. When Cole asked if I was sure, I told him that I’d made a goal to get my first stripe for my second training anniversary (which was 2 weeks ago) and assured him that I was in.

The test itself went the way you would expect for someone who knows the material but has some performance anxiety. Jay made sure sprawls were included in the techniques we were asked to perform and that felt excruciating. Doing my slow, awkward version of sprawls across the mat when people really were watching me. Throughout the rest of the test, I felt myself fumble a bit at times and a few moments of shuffling uncertainty with one technique. But I never felt lost or confused by the directions I was given. “Not perfect, but good.” was how I phrased it when Jay asked how I thought I did. The panel agreed – they had seen a large error and a small one but otherwise a clean performance. I had passed.

1st stripe down… so many to go.

Before he ended the evaluation, Jay made a point of telling me that my sprawls had been correct. The people watching clapped after he said that – I’d be lying if I didn’t say it gave me mixed feelings. I hadn’t made my struggle with sprawls a secret, but having it be a big enough deal that people were compelled to clap when Jay brought them up? I felt thankful but also a little embarrassed.

Nevertheless, I walked up to receive my stripe feeling pride that I’d done it and relief that it was over. I worked down the line of evaluators to shake hands. I paused an extra moment each with Rob and Cole, who had been the driving force in my preparations. The warmth of their hands and the looks on their faces told me I had done well.

After the gym had cleared out and I was hanging around to do some dog training, Jay reiterated that I’d done the sprawl correctly – not “good for who you are and your limitations” but correct at the level for which I was testing. He also reminded me that it couldn’t stay that way (nor would I want it too, ugh!), each level would need to show progression.

Jay said the first step to being a bad ass is saying no when you need to – but it’s also saying yes to the right things even when it scares you. Even when or especially when it makes you sweat bullets and stand in front of an audience feeling awkward as all hell.

]]>http://windthisway.com/2017/09/10/bjj-the-first-step-to-being-a-bad-ass-is/feed/0663BJJ: Self Defense without the Nut Shotshttp://windthisway.com/2017/08/12/bjj-self-defense-without-the-nut-shots/
http://windthisway.com/2017/08/12/bjj-self-defense-without-the-nut-shots/#commentsSat, 12 Aug 2017 14:42:53 +0000http://windthisway.com/?p=564The first time I mentioned Brazilian Jiu Jitsu on this blog in 2015, I said that I was looking to acquire some skills as a newly single woman and “learning to grapple and defend myself in awkward situations seemed like an excellent choice.” What I didn’t mention was what prompted me to finally act on my thought. … Continue reading BJJ: Self Defense without the Nut Shots→

]]>The first time I mentioned Brazilian Jiu Jitsu on this blog in 2015, I said that I was looking to acquire some skills as a newly single woman and “learning to grapple and defend myself in awkward situations seemed like an excellent choice.” What I didn’t mention was what prompted me to finally act on my thought.

That summer, I had started the Couch to 5K program with Delta. One of the locations we’d run was Back Cove in Portland. It was a popular spot, mostly level, and the perfect length for my training. On August 12, 2015, Delta and I hit up the trail for an evening run. As we set out, I noticed several police cars parked near the path and a K9 team working in the long grass by the water. I gave a couple of curious glances at the team as we made our way by, assuming it was a training exercise. There was a hot breeze coming off the Cove that was just too much for us, so I turned around and headed back to the parking lot less than a mile in. I arrived home to find out that a rape had been reported on the trail earlier that day – the K9 team I saw had been searching for evidence, not training. While the story was discovered to be false two days later, it stuck in my mind. It didn’t happen, but it could have. It wasn’t me, but it could have been.

In the inevitable FB discussion of the incident in the following weeks, Mandy Buckner (one owner of the Academy) posted something along the lines of how frequently women come to the gym too late – after something like that had happened to them – and she wished more women would come in sooner. A few weeks later I saw them advertise their first On Ramp class. I messaged Mandy to ask if it might be a good program for someone looking to get some self-defense skills. She described the On Ramp as a four week program that introduces people to the basics of self-defense/ Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and said it was meant as first step for people that want to get into regular classes, not a stand alone self-defense program. She encouraged me to come try it out and, if I decided it was totally wrong for me, they would give me a refund. Obviously I never asked for my money back.

Now, nearly 24 months (~13 training months) later, I’m still training because I’m hooked on BJJ – not because I think of it as an ongoing self-defense class. Because it isn’t … and it is.

It Isn’t Self-Defense Classes

BJJ is not self-defense in the stand-alone format that you typically see it – there is no guy with a Mardi Gras head taking hits to the nuts and you don’t practice saying “No” like you mean it. You aren’t set up to take 1-3 classes and walk out feeling like you know how to thwart an attacker. You won’t receive a rape whistle and they don’t offer cans of pepper spray for purchase.

At the Academy, commentary about situational awareness is based on street fight scenarios not sexual predation. Victim selection is touched on occasionally, in the form of Jay making an analogy such as lions picking out which gazelle they’ll take down. When someone mentions women’s self-defense specifically, it’s usually pointed out that women are often “already grappling” when things take a bad turn. What you learn about these things are useful and applicable, but they aren’t emphasized as the major teaching point of the class.

I read an article which warned against the “self-defense myth” in martial arts, citing how most classes are not set up to address women’s needs and dealing with aspects like emotional manipulation aren’t covered. In my experience, that’s true. If other gyms are telling you that BJJ is straight up equivalent of women’s self-defense then I agree that is a crock of shit. I doubt any gym has “not being manipulated and controlled by your partner” on their curriculum. But is promoting BJJ as applicable to women’s self-defense wrong?

It Is Self-Defense… in a sense

So how is BJJ applicable to self-defense? It teaches you about strength, pressure, and struggle.

When I say Strength, I’m not necessarily talking about being stronger – you will get stronger but you’ll also learn how strong you already are. You’ll learn that there is some badass stuff you can do when you’re just a moderately active desk jockey entering the sport. There is also the mental strength you develop by becoming acclimated to awkward or frustrating situations.

Pressure is a major keyword in BJJ. You learn how to apply it. You have it applied to you. Roll with skilled upper belts and they’ll hand out measured doses of pressure, increasing it as you become more experienced and accustomed to it. Rather than only wanting to “make it stop” you learn to endure the pressure and work to relieve it in smarter ways.

You learn how to deal with the pressure because you Struggle – both mentally and physically. You’ll be rolling and you’ll know you’re strong enough to do *something* but you can’t think of the fucking move you need to execute. Other times, you may know the move but have a hard time finding the strength to pull it off properly. In the safety of your gym, you get to struggle, fuck up, and survive. Then do it again. And again.

On bottom and getting squished… again

A side note: Parents, family, well meaning friends and acquaintances – Please knock it off with the foolish notion that our choice in clothing changes our need for self-defense.

A little while ago, I posted a joking comment that Facebook marketing had missed the mark when they suggested metallic hot pants after I’d been searching the web for BJJ rashguards and spats. There was a well-intentioned response that if I wore the hot pants, I’d be more likely to need my BJJ skills.

Wrong.

The presence of assholes and predators in the world doesn’t change based on what I wear. And, as Jay’s gazelle analogy reminds us, a real predator doesn’t go after the first shiny object it sees. BJJ is valuable regardless of my wardrobe. Maybe the shorts would attract more garden variety douche bags, but they aren’t the real threat. Just tell them to fuck off like you mean it.

]]>http://windthisway.com/2017/08/12/bjj-self-defense-without-the-nut-shots/feed/1564SoML: Scarshttp://windthisway.com/2017/07/04/soml-scars/
http://windthisway.com/2017/07/04/soml-scars/#respondTue, 04 Jul 2017 12:00:04 +0000http://windthisway.com/?p=392When I talked about breaking my leg, I eluded to being very sensitive. When I woke up from my 1st surgery, my body was screaming from the intrusion and the normal, cautious increases in dosage dictated by protocol took two days to reach a level and combination that finally controlled my pain. I actually had someone … Continue reading SoML: Scars→

]]>When I talked about breaking my leg, I eluded to being very sensitive. When I woke up from my 1st surgery, my body was screaming from the intrusion and the normal, cautious increases in dosage dictated by protocol took two days to reach a level and combination that finally controlled my pain. I actually had someone ask me if I abused painkillers – he had in the past but the cocktail I was on after surgery still would have put him on his ass.

It isn’t that I have a high drug tolerance or that I’m “sensitive to pain” – it’s that I feel everything, for better or worse. In the ambulance on the way to the ER, I felt the coolness of the saline flush in my IV. The EMT was astonished because he’d never had anyone notice it before. I had a second surgery in December because I could feel the plate and 7 screws in my leg, despite reassurances from friends that they barely ever noticed their metal implants.

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that
I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel

The sensations aren’t just physical. My brain creates links between my body and my emotions. Other people have old injuries that flair up with weather, mine tell me what kind of stress I’m under. Relationship stress pulls at my right abductor, grief rears up as an ache in my left knee, work stress creeps up my SCM and spreads through my shoulders. Paraphrasing a friend’s description: The head is a lens for the body, when your mind changes so does your perception. I say the head is more than a lens – we think of the brain as sending out commands (actions) and receiving feedback (sensations). But emotional feedback can become physical sensation as well.

To quote Albus Dumbledore: “Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

My body and brain don’t function uniquely, it’s that I notice more of the input and connections. Sensations that would get lost in the white noise of other people’s perceptions are available to me. The stress I was experiencing when an injury originally occurred associate with that pain long after the actual dysfunction has been corrected.

When I received my settlement check for the accident, I had a mixed reaction. The check included “pain and suffering” in addition to expenses. It was, all at once, generous and stingy. I weathered the injury fairly well and my recovery is about as good as you can expect so adding money on top of out of pocket amounts felt unnecessary or generous. At the same time, they put a number on my experience – the stress, pain, the dark days of my recovery – and it felt belittling that they could write off months of my life as simple math.

Small scar, big impact.

While my head was wrestling with these conflicting thoughts, my leg began to hurt. Soreness, tightness, renewed sensitivity in the scar. Feeling as though I was on the verge of injury. Along with the physical sensations, grief and sadness began to creep up on me. At first I thought it was because a chapter had officially closed in my life – my leg and the logistics around it were no longer in transition, unsettled. But my thoughts around the insurance payment settled quickly yet the feelings persisted. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that my once-broken leg called attention to my still-broken heart. My grief for Dash – diagnosed with a degenerative disease shortly before I broke my leg and gone shortly after my second surgery – needed to be let out. (See the companion piece on All Around Dogs – Let Grief Out, Let Love In)

]]>http://windthisway.com/2017/07/04/soml-scars/feed/0392SoML: Odd Onehttp://windthisway.com/2017/06/04/soml-odd-one/
http://windthisway.com/2017/06/04/soml-odd-one/#commentsSun, 04 Jun 2017 13:00:40 +0000http://windthisway.com/?p=390I’ve had anthems of strength, empowerment, defiance and even a little sugary pop. But what about a song for the awkward, the misfits, the outcasts? Enter Odd One… Odd one, I wish I was you You’re never concerned with acceptance We are all desperately seeking out And fitting in with anyone who will accept us … Continue reading SoML: Odd One→

You’re never concerned with acceptanceWe are all desperately seeking outAnd fitting in with anyone who will accept usBut not you, odd one

Here’s the thing about me. I have never been able to be anything other than who I am. Even in school, where blending in might have made things easier, I was always me. Being myself wasn’t oftenever the “in” thing and didn’t put me in the popular crowd. In some ways, a level of pretending might have made those awkward years a bit easier. I guess I was embracing the awkward even back then, long before I coined the phrase. I acted honestly not because I wanted to – it was just part of being me. I’m not built to fake it. Years later, I had classmates comment on their admiration for the way I was in those days, that I was always true to myself. It caught me by surprise not only that they’d noticed but also that they felt envious in retrospect. Being me certainly didn’t feel like an admirable position at the time. It was a hand I’d been dealt and I simply refused to fold.

When my divorce was final (or nearly there) I not only felt free to be me but, as a now confident 30-something woman, I wasn’t as concerned with what other people thought. I danced at shows until I looked like I’d been thrown off the pier. I expected I’d get wrinkled-nosed looks from 20-something queen bee types and I was OK with that. Again, to my surprise, I found myself being admired for my confidence and honesty. I had 20-somethings chat me up in the bathroom and say they wanted to be me when they grew up.

I danced like that while I was married, but it is different when you are at a show with your husband. It isn’t that I danced less, but it was mentally more contained somehow. Once, my ex confessed that he’d seen a bunch of college kids mimicking and mocking my dance moves behind my back and he’d felt upset and embarrassed for me. What struck me most about that wasn’t that someone had made fun of me. I’m accustomed to that. What stayed with me was that he felt sadness for me… not irritation or outrage at those kids. The summer of my divorce, my first really good date was with someone who was charmed by my penchant for dancing whenever there was music. Rather than being embarrassed of me or for me, he saw the enjoyment I felt and was drawn to it. After that date, I made a mental note that whoever I was with in the future would need to not only accept but also appreciate my dancing ways. (Mission accomplished – Dave not only appreciates my moves but is almost as prone to random bursts of dancing as I am.)

Aye, it’s gonna be okayAye, we’re gonna laugh at this one day

Don’t let someone tell you you’re no oneDon’t let someone tell you you’re no oneOdd one

When this song was still relatively new, I was at a show and saw this t-shirt for sale. I hesitated to buy it. At the time I was afraid it would only give people more reason to call me out for being different.

Being myself was one thing, doing something extra that might make me a target was another.

But I sucked up my uncertainty and bought it anyways. And wore it proudly. I decided to own the label rather than fear it. So much so that I asked the presenter to pose with the shirt when I attended a seminar with Dash (a fellow Odd One in Boxer form).

Dog Trainer Extraordinaire Chad Mackin being a good sport for the photo.

I’ve been complimented on being “brave” and honest in the way I write and what I am able to share. Not everyone is comfortable baring their soul to the uncaring Interwebs. Or even to their extended circle of friends. There are some things I reserve for private, but not much. I put the majority of who I am and what I think right out in “public.” But again, that’s just me. For better or worse, I am an open book.