Top Tips....
AT party time, Cornflakes packets make ideal jelly moulds for
anyone requiring large rectangular blocks of jelly. Although
they do have the disadvantage of not being waterproof.
INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot
James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no
circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave
him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team
do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of
tools and useful scrap materials.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't
know.
AVOID over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the
pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check
your day-to-day requirement for himself.
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them.
This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can
later be used for shopping lists.
MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time
after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car
makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the
steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along
the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
LOOK 'hard' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer
cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front
of you.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car
phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your
ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the
kerb.
WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become
lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure
and always turning right.
NEXT time you pop out to the supermarket, glue carpet tiles to
the soles of your shoes. They'll make Sainsburys feel like your
own living room.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This
will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door
is closed.
DON'T put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it
handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the
sink.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably
passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by
packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
OLD folks. Avoid confusion between these new 'microwave' ovens
and televisions by cutting out a large letter 'M' in brightly
coloured paper, and sticking it to the door of the oven.
TEENAGERS. Fed up with posters falling off the wall? Simply
file them in a filing cabinet under 'P' and you'll know
exactly where to find them if you want a quick look.
SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply
popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is
there.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house
and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons
with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor
with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the
top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air-
filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will
burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire.
Probably.
RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you
don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.
BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy
them by standing outside their window and changing their
channel using your identical remote control.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of
washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in
your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose
12 pounds in only 2 days.
Use sand instead of sugar in your tea. Can be re-used many times, and
has far fewer calories. IF a small child is choking on an ice cube,
don't panic. Make the child drink as many hot drinks as possible, such
as tea or coffee, and within minutes the blockage will have simply
melted away.
WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as
a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first
as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.
AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the
wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary
match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals
the source of the escaping gas.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers
turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix
your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know
where the f*** you're going.
PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time
you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to
see out of the front window.
SAVE the cost of installing cable TV by taping current editions
of Top Of The Pops and then watching them in fifteen years'
time.
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model
boats.
KEEP a hammer close to your bed in case any nails fall out
of the ceiling at night.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and
keeping them in the garage.
NEVER attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving
supermarket door.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can
see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by
carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to
the light before accepting them.
SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a
charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop.
This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and
remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
I SLEEP with my house key under my tongue, and I never suffer
from cramp.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper
alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
GIVE your friends the impression that you wear contact lenses by
blinking frequently midway through conversations, and stopping
to carefully pull at your lower eyelids.
WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a
brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a
balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent
party-goer.
PENSIONERS. Don't forget to retire to bed before 8.00 pm so
that you can get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and go and
collect your morning paper while anyone with any sense is still
sound asleep in bed.
APPLY red mail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The
red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting
varnish should be selected).
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an
amusing manner.
WEIGH your pet by first weighing yourself, then weighing
yourself again, this time carrying your pet. Deduct the
first weight from the second to reveal your pet's weight.
(If weighing goldfish, remember to make an allowance for
the weight of the bowl and the water).
MUMS! when clearing up after a children's party, always burst
balloons before throwing them away. This way you use far
fewer dustbin liners.
HOLIDAYMAKERS. Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles,
which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole
family to have 'skinhead' haircuts a day or two before
departure.
PLASTIC tops from smartie tubes make ideal Frisbees for a
pet gerbil, or hamster.
OLD folks. Foil the VAT man this winter by clambering up on
top of a bookcase, cupboard or wardrobe. Warm air rises,
and so the temperature will increase the higher you climb.
MAKE a miniature 'mouse trap' for flies by using a spring-
loaded wooden clothes peg, baited with a winnit. (whatever a
winnit is???)
FUN-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for
dwarfs.
GARDENERS. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before
planting. Hey presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time.
KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for
giants.
PRETEND you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black
eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with
your wife.
NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for
dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.
PREVENT your car from being stolen from the Logica car park
by attaching a 3ft metal/plastic stick to the steering
wheel. For best results, use a blue car.
BEE keepers. Keep bee hives in strawberry fields to get jam
instead of honey.
PRETEND your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the
carpet, watering your cans of beer and kicking your wife out
into the garden at 11:30.
KEEP monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding bananas on top of
a wardrobe in your bedroom.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along
an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews
for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the
expense of having to make a name triangle for your desk, and
therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
BEER bottle tops floated upside down in the bath, make ideal
'dinghies' for spiders. Flies can also use them as aircraft
carriers.
EAT moderate amounts of food daily so that you do not become
too overweight. Then, in the event of collapsing in a toilet
cubicle, a passer-by will be able to drag you out through
the 6 inch gap under the door and walls.
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