The Giants are 10-1 right now and look to be the best team in the NFL. No matter your rooting inclinations, it’s hard to deny that the Giants are talented, versatile, and well-coached. Well, we at KSK will not stand by and watch as one team plays the game the way it should be played. Oh sure. The Giants were cute last year. But they were supposed to spend the majority of 2008 cratering back to Earth, missing the playoffs in the wake of horrific injuries and wildly inaccurate Eli Manning passes.

Instead, they’ve decided to continue being good. And that just won’t do. I don’t know about you, but I fucking hate it when some asshole NFL team that isn’t the one I root for decides to play good football for very long stretches. You had your moment in the spotlight, Giant fans. Spread the goddamn wealth, you glory hogs! Giant fans, your team is no longer the feisty little underdog. It’s now a fire-breathing colossus everyone expects to win. Therefore, it is time for all of us to give Giant fans their long-awaited heel turn. I hated the Pats. I hated the 90’s Cowboys. I hated the 80’s 49ers. And now, I hate YOU.

Now we’ve had our fun fans of other teams here at KSK. And, since we are now tragically bereft of the weekly musings of Carl Brutananadilewski, it’s up to us to create the perfect mocking stereotype of Giant fans. But where would we begin? Well, I think it’s obvious that our perfect asshole Giants fan would need to be wearing a Shockey jersey…

Bavaro will also do in a pinch. Now, of course, our Giants fan must have a great deal of civic pride…

“NEW YORK CITY IS THE FUCKING GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD, YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKERS!”

…despite never actually having lived in any of the five boroughs…

“Rockaway, New Jersey, born and bred! MORRIS KNOLLS HIGH SCHOOL FUCKING RULES!”

…and he, of course, should always act more Italian than he actually is…

“My fucking uncle’s stepcousin is fucking Sicilian. These are my fucking people, you prick. You fuck with them, you fuck with me. Hey, who do I gotta blow to get some gabbagool around here, am I right?”

…Now that I think about it, he should probably just say “am I right?” at the end of every sentence…

“Look at that tits on that broad, am I right? I’d put my proshoot in that hoagie roll, am I right? Tell you what, I’d let that broad suck my dick ALL DAY LONG, AM I RIGHT?”

…And swear to God often…

“SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, the girl’s mom also gave me head. SWEAR TO GOD.”

…Oh, and he should be misogynistic. I mean, just repellently misogynistic…

“So I’m fucking this broad the other night, right? And get this: She wants me to eat her pussy. And I say to her, uh excuse me. But maybe if your drain didn’t smell like a dog’s open mouth, maybe I’d consider it. Then I hit her in the face with my cordless phone. She’s gotta play by the rules, AM I RIGHT?”

…Yes, yes that’s it. He should always be demanding that you think he’s right…

“The Giants are the fucking best team in the league. AM I RIGHT, FUCKO?!”

…and he should always state obvious facts as if they are amazing observations he is kind enough to bestow upon you, and dare you to disagree with him in a very menacing fashion…

“All’s I’m sayin’ is that the Giants have a fucking great running game. SWEAR TO GOD. YOU WANNA FUCKING TELL ME THEY DON’T?!”

…He should probably quote Bronx Tale or Goodfellas whenever he can…

“IT WAS RESPECT!”

…And he should really hate Puerto Ricans…

“SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH! Jesus. You believe these spics?”

…And liberally use the n-word without shame…

“Sure, Plaxico Burress is a great deep threat. But he plays like a n—-r, am I right?”

…He should probably be drunk…

“Dude, I’ve already had, like thirty fucking beers. And it isn’t even noon. How many beers have you had? Ten? You’re a fucking faggot. This guy’s a fag, am I right?”

…And belligerent…

“DRINK THAT FUCKING BEER, OR I WILL KICK YOUR WIFE IN THE FUCKING CUNT. I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING FAGGOTS AT THIS TAILGATE. You don’t drink that beer, I will fucking slit your mother’s throat while your dad watches, I FUCKING SWEAR THIS TO YOU.”

…Of course, he should be fat. And a cop…

“Good morning, Mr. Magary. I’m calling from the Policeman’s Benevolent Association. And we’re holding our 35th annual holiday party this year. We were wondering if you could contribute over the phone, because we’d like to have a fucking ice luge at the party this year.”

…And he should only root for the Giants as a winter-time diversion from his real passion: obsessing over the Yankees and calling into the WFAN to propose trades…

…Finally, he should have a trashy-looking, overly bossy girlfriend who has a terrible French manicure, thinks she much better looking than she actually is, and is somehow even more loud and obnoxious than her man…

“YOU GUYS DRINKING AS MUCH AS I AM?! GO HARD OR GO HOME! GOD, KEVIN BOSS IS SO FUCKING HOT! I’D LET HIM STICK A FLASHLIGHT IN MY ASS! WE’RE GOING TO THE ‘SQUAN THIS SUMMER! GOOOOO GIANTS!”

Yup, I think that should do it. But your suggestions are also welcome for our new creation. Any pictures of our potential asshole Giants fan stereotype in would also be appreciated. Let’s call him ASSHOLE IN A SHOCKEY JERSEY for now. That should work. Oh, and fuck the Giants in the goat ass.

Join The Discussion

you add half chewed wet cigar to all of that and I think you pretty much got it.

11.25.08 at 2:49 pm

dAndy

I think his name should be Anthony. Don’t ask me why, but that’s what just popped in my head that contains about 67% less brain cells than it did 11 years ago.

11.25.08 at 2:50 pm

dAndy

Italian pasta references are also a must. Stromboli and what not.

11.25.08 at 2:51 pm

miamidiesel

I always knew this day would come.

/steadies self for onslaught

11.25.08 at 2:54 pm

Harry Pelotas

Oh, North Jersey, the 3rd funniest region, just ahead of Central Jersey and way behind The Shore and South Jersey

11.25.08 at 2:55 pm

Norm Mc

“Here comes the Greaseball.”

“Why’ya gotta make fun’a Luigi he justa make’a the Pizza”

11.25.08 at 2:55 pm

MSP

“…And he should really hate Puerto Ricans…”

we should all hate Puerto Ricans

11.25.08 at 2:55 pm

Ray Handley's Bitter Tears

To be fair… most true, authentic Giants fans are just waiting for the wheels to come off the wagon. Jacobs gets the fumbles, Elisha tanks to make a squash game, Coughlin kills Madison Hedgecock for having a faggy name and to scare Plaxico straight.

As far as I’m concerned – they won more than eight games. Call it a day and go home boys, it can only go downhill from here.

I would think that this proposed generic Giants fan also would tell you about how ‘such and such place for such and such purpose’ was the “Best in the City”.

Example: “So I was going to the Famous Ray’s on 54th Street to get a slice of pizza. You been to the 54th Street Famous Ray’s? Best pizza in the City. Am I right?”

I think he would also use words like ‘paisan’ and ‘moolie’. True story: I was at the gym one night this past summer when one of the other people there I knew (who could easily fit the mold of this proposed generic Giants fan) tapped me on the shoulder to ask about the Yankees game. Then he pointed out that the Mets were doing better “now that they fired that moolie Randolph.” Irrespective of the fact that Manuel was also a moolie, he went on to say “Lemme tell you though, you really want to win at this baseball stuff, you need a real paisan like Girardi.” I would also like to point out that this dude, who was a meathead with a sizable gut, wore a form fitting Armani Exchange t-shirt and cologne of some sort to the gym everytime. So work that all in there too, I guess

11.25.08 at 3:00 pm

Upstate Underdog

When using Italian meat products to refer to my penis I prefer calling it the old braciole (brajole)

11.25.08 at 3:01 pm

Captain Murphy

This post is the best thing that’s happened to me all day. I hate New York. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

11.25.08 at 3:02 pm

drew magary is my dad

“I’d let him stick a flashlight in my ass”

….god send

He should also have a big white trash ’89 dirty ass Ford Bronco with a big NY sticker on the rear window, speeding and swerving down 95 with his horrible vehicle, giving others who live in the current millennium the finger while stroking his own cock, and grunting….fucking caveman.

11.25.08 at 3:03 pm

Upstate Underdog

he should also be wearing at least two pieces of gold jewelry

God sometimes it’s embarassing having an Italian last name

11.25.08 at 3:04 pm

johndewar

This is pure, unadulterated genius. Especially the part about never having lived in Manhatten.

A couple of suggestions:

– Must be a “Bar Anticipation” or “Bar A” reference somewhere in there. If there is a more cheese ball, North Jersey shore bar on the planet, we should send anthropologists to study it.

– Must use much of the lingo described here in everyday life….especially the words that used to be Italian words that are now totally bastardized like “Maddon'” and “Oobatz”.

11.25.08 at 3:05 pm

mike

There’s no way that this Giants fan doesn’t drive a late 80s monte carlo or IROC. Am I right?

11.25.08 at 3:08 pm

johndewar

@ Harry Pelotas : There is NOWHERE funnier in New Jersey than the part of the state that begins in Trenton and extends North. That is a comedy gold mine.

11.25.08 at 3:09 pm

Upstate Underdog

@johndewar, don’t forget about “stugots” and “stunod”

11.25.08 at 3:09 pm

Big Daddy Drew

“Why would a New Yorker (even one from Jersey) have a quintessentially Canadian verbal tick, eh?”

FUCK. Horrible misstep. I shall correct it.

11.25.08 at 3:09 pm

The Gooch

He should also wear designer jeans and white sneakers, maybe even shell top Adidas.

Oh, and the misogynistic, racist Italian of the 21st century is not too homophobic to wax his eyebrows.

11.25.08 at 3:09 pm

El Duke

The play-by-play guy for the Sacramento Kings is an insufferable Giants fan. Although he’s a ginger not a guido. He’s still annoying as shit though. Started off last season saying the Giants didn’t have a shot at the playoffs then at the end of the season was taking congradulatory calls as if he was David Tyree’s helmet.

11.25.08 at 3:10 pm

Francois Leroux Speedskater

Needs more “bro”, bro. Oh, and more threats of beatings from people other than themselves.

/Lived with 4 Long Islanders and 1 North Jersey-ite for a year in college. Still laughing.

11.25.08 at 3:11 pm

Ocho Cinco Fan Club

@Harry Pelotas: Central Jersey edges out North Jersey? I’ve experienced both and I must say this: You, sir, are a moron.

And I think some aren’t picking up on the fact that “eh” here does not represent the queer Canadian manifestation but rather the fat italian guy version of “huh?”

/”Yous is finally gettin’ around to making a stereotypical Giant fan, ehh?”
//His name is Tony.

11.25.08 at 3:12 pm

The Gooch

Yes, it’s not eh, pronounced A, but eh, as in meh, minus the M. Not sure how you’d spell that, though.

11.25.08 at 3:14 pm

Ocho Cinco Fan Club

@Gooch: The typical guido is too concerned about his hair and getting his pump on to care that much about football. The aim here should probably be a trashy Tony Soprano wannabe. Which I guess means Tony Sparano.

11.25.08 at 3:14 pm

Upstate Underdog

looking at that Mob dictionary they got the term “Schifosa” wrong. It doesn’t mean “ugly woman” it means disgusting or a disgusting person.

/done giving my Italian lesson

11.25.08 at 3:15 pm

Stev D

Biceps curls are a must (curlz 4 tha gurlz). Also, probably bounced at a night club or two

11.25.08 at 3:15 pm

miamidiesel

@johndewar: you can’t just limit it to Bar A, you also have to include D’Jais.

/enjoys both places
//retreats from message board

11.25.08 at 3:16 pm

qwijibo

Don’t forget to add, “Whaaaa? No fucking ziti?”

11.25.08 at 3:17 pm

Slash

If it’s all the same to you, I’m gonna continue hating the Cowboys.

I’m glad we don’t have guidos down here. True, the redneck fuckers aren’t much better, but at least they don’t fake tan. Yet.

@Francois Leroux Speedskater. Agreed on the “bro” call. I used to get this from this one guy, “bro, you don’t even know.” It was great, if you were hearing a story from him he refused to believe it’s not over your head.

Also, I saw Francois Leroux playing for the Wheeling Nailers last year, in Trenton, NJ no less.

11.25.08 at 3:23 pm

eddiebear

He needs a barbed wire biceps tattoo as well

11.25.08 at 3:24 pm

wrecking_ball

Lord have mercy … brilliant work all around. I already hate this guy more than Tawmmy and I’ve got nothing against the Gints.

11.25.08 at 3:24 pm

Favre's Next Interception

My one and only time at a Giants tailgate:
Frankie: “Hey, see dem ricans over there, know what we call dat”? Me: “No”. Frankie: ” We call dat a Spicnic, am I right Sal? Sal: “Dat’s right, Frankie”

11.25.08 at 3:25 pm

qwijibo

As a Jersey City resident, longtime Giants fans and sure to take the brunt of these attacks…. I blame everyone from Central Jersey. F those fuckers and unleash hell..

11.25.08 at 3:26 pm

judgesmails

“What, u fuckin’ kiddin’ me Ant-ny, this Tuck kid is good but he ain’t even fuckin’ close to LT. LT would smash him upside the head with his big moolie brojole, you know what I mean?? What? You think I’m wrong? You think I’m fuckin’ around, get the fuck outta here. I’m gonna get a quick lift, have some proshoot and head over to the track, watch the ponies before the game.”

11.25.08 at 3:29 pm

Closed-Captioned Porn

Drew, you traitorous sword-swallower…..and just when I’d asked my wife for your book for Xmas. Anyways, you actually just described Jets fans. Anyone who knows actual Giants fans knows we’re pessimistic self-loathers who are just waiting for the wheels to fall off at any moment, if only to say “I told you they suck nuts, am I right?” Err, I mean “Verily, this team again shows its true lack of fortitude!”.

/Giants blue
/Favre can suck it, am I right?

11.25.08 at 3:29 pm

Francois Leroux Speedskater

@No Pullout

The most ridiculous of the guys I lived with would, at random, just blurt out “Bro, you don’t even know what it’s really like, bro…just come to Massapequa and my boys Musto and Cavallo will FUCK you up, bro.”

I wish I was exaggerating.

11.25.08 at 3:29 pm

Christmas Ape

Wait! I’m not done hating the Pats yet!

11.25.08 at 3:30 pm

hans

needs more jagerbombs. and whoever was mentioned gold jewelry was dead on. having grown up on the shore, i’m not sure whether to be proud or ashamed that ive never been to bar a.

11.25.08 at 3:31 pm

H Cuz

I propose the name “Franky from Hoboken” and a confrontation with Tawmmy.

11.25.08 at 3:33 pm

Big Daddy Drew

Who said we were going to STOP hating the Pats?

11.25.08 at 3:33 pm

Chazz_Goodtimes

As a Pats fan loving/cringing with the accuracy of the Tawwmy posts I feel like the old knight at the end of the last crusade… I knew this day would come! I would also add:

1. Responds to every slight with “Do you know who the fuck I am?”
2. Probably is only 1/4 italian at best but after the sopranos became cool, decided to overly embrace that side of his heritage.

@dandy- Totally agree, except it should pronounced Ant-Knee.
@upstate underdog- also agree on the gold jewelry, its a must.

11.25.08 at 3:35 pm

Geaux Home

Shockey in an Asshole Jersey

11.25.08 at 3:35 pm

Rocket1124

@Chazz – he’s at most 1/4 Italian, probably less, and embraces that heritage like you said. And has an Irish or Eastern European last name.

11.25.08 at 3:36 pm

Gino Tourettesa

He has too be proudly ignorant of any region and culture other than his own.

As a (half embarrassed) North Jersey resident and Giants fan, I will be looking forward to these posts with glee. As Ray Handley’s BT says, I’m waiting for the wheels to fly off at any time, but until then- I’m anxious to discover the Giants fan’s equivalent of Tawmmy’s dahhkies.

11.25.08 at 3:37 pm

miamidiesel

@Ape: I second that

@Closed-Captioned Porn: I was just telling one of my cousins the other day that, as a Giants and Knicks fan (couldn’t give a fuck about baseball), I’ve never rooted for a team that played as well and was considered the best in the league like the Giants are right now, and I told him I don’t believe its true and I’m just waiting for everything to turn to shit followed by an early playoff exit and talk of last year’s playoff run being a flash in the pan. I can’t quantify the amount of disbelief (or happiness) I have right now that the Giants are 10-1 and not 4-7

11.25.08 at 3:37 pm

The Gooch

Hoboken is good, but Antny should probably be from a more comical sounding, lesser known place (hence bigger chip on shoulder) like Secaucus, Weehawken, or Ho-ho-kus

11.25.08 at 3:37 pm

Tommy from Quincee

This fackin new yawker you tryin to describe sounds like a real quw-eeah to me. Big Daddy Drew should spend his creative juices on REAL FACKIN SPORTS FANS! GO SAWKS!

/puts entire can of kodiak in upper lip
/plays entire incubus album

(face it, there’s only one tommy, this exercise is bound to fail. This is just making slight modifications to tommy to make him faux-italian instead of faux-irish)

11.25.08 at 3:37 pm

Kim Hong

No, Hoboken is for hipsters and yuppies. Def. Loowng Island, am I right? And his name is Sal.

11.25.08 at 3:38 pm

qwijibo

Nah, Staten Island or East Brunswick. Long Island has the Jet fans .

11.25.08 at 3:40 pm

twoeightnine

His name is Nick. Nick Di”Something”. His friends call him NickyD.

11.25.08 at 3:40 pm

Rakibul Islam

As a Giants fan and a NY resident (not NYC), I’d like to say that anyone with a Shockey jersey should go ahead and burn it, or be burned. And the stereotypical Giants fan has to be much more guido. And fat.

/Adheres to more than one stereotype on this list
//Still much, much better than Massholes, am I right?

11.25.08 at 3:41 pm

twoeightnine

His name is Nick. Nick DiSomething. His friends call him NickyD.

11.25.08 at 3:41 pm

UMiami87

Being a Giants fan and living half of my life in CT and the other half in Manhattan I blame the people from Central Jersey for this. I think we may be talking about a Jets fan here though, they are way trashier and they come from Long Island. Long Island is home to the fist pumping, fake tanning guido’s we all know and hate.

If you want a stereotypical Giants fan he is going to need to have a thick Mark Bavaro mustache with a five o’clock shadow. Probably be wearing a sleeveless mesh tanktop that has pictures of Bavaro, Carson, LT, and Simms (I have actually seen this exact shirt I am not making this up). A gold chain or two, but one of the gold chains has to be an Italian horn. A Marvin the Martian tatoo or some other Looney Tunes character (Tazmanian devil will suffice). Top it off with a nice pair of jean cut off shorts.

Dont forget he must show up to the stadium in a 1982 camper van painted blue, red, and white.

I’ve mentioned this before, but I think the upset of 2008 has to be the Steelers fans out-douching the Giants fans. I’m baffled by it. I think it’s because of Eli’s facial expressions- no matter how good the Giants get, the fans still feel like disaster is around the corner.

Meanwhile, Steelers fans have one good Monday Night Football showing in suburban Maryland, and suddenly they’re God’s gift to sports.

- His name is Sal Bianca – his friends call him “Sally Balls”
– He must have well-groomed eyebrows
– He must be on steroids
– He must have a house no farther than 3 blocks from “The Surf Club”
– He must talk about Neptunes in the Hamptons
– He must have a fake tan
– He must wear his sunglasses into ‘insert West 27th Street Club here’ all the time
– He must wear sleeveless shirts, even in the winter
– He must live with his mom

/from NY, born and bred, hate these fucking kids

11.25.08 at 3:59 pm

futuremrsrickankiel

If you guys are going to start hating the Giants, you’re going to need to round up a female Giants fan to post endless comments decrying her fellow Giants fans while insisting on the purity of her own fandom in what is clearly a desperate attempt to attract male attention.

As a Giants fan from NJ, let me say that this post is fucking perfect.

“Rockaway, New Jersey, born and bred! MORRIS KNOLLS HIGH SCHOOL FUCKING RULES!”

As a graduate of Morris Hills, let me just say that Knolls sucks.

11.25.08 at 4:03 pm

lovedrjones

WE’RE GOING TO THE ‘SQUAN THIS SUMMER!

god, fuck my life. these people make my summers one long, painfully drunk, nightmare.

11.25.08 at 4:07 pm

JustJoe

PROTIEEEEEENNNNNNNNN

yes but all the JAPs and guidos i know from strawwwwwnnng island root for miami dolphins for some reason. anyone on this?

11.25.08 at 4:12 pm

Needs More Cheerleaders

I’d stick a flashlight in her ass. And by flashlight, you know I mean my cock, right fucko?!

11.25.08 at 4:13 pm

Warren Moon Pie

“See dat girl ova dere? She wants my sauseej!”

No, if you grew up on long island, you know guidos had no time for organized ‘American’ football. Some opted for soccer but most were too cool for sports altogether.

Giants fans will never be as bad as loudmouth Pats fans.

/Lets go Jets

11.25.08 at 4:14 pm

MadmanMundt

IROC= Italians Really Over Compensating

11.25.08 at 4:15 pm

Carl Brutananadilewski

I don’t need no instructions to know how to rock!

11.25.08 at 4:16 pm

female Giants fan

all those fuckers ain’t shit. Fuckin homos.

Giants fuckin rule this shit. Who wants to see my boobs?

11.25.08 at 4:19 pm

Gino Tourettesa

I thought IROC stood for “Italian Retard Out Cruising”.

11.25.08 at 4:19 pm

Paul Pierce

Its well established that NYC cops and firefighters are Jets fans.There are plenty of Giant fans like you describe, but you won’t see them at the Meadowlands, because the Giants crowds are all families and well off old people. Giants crowds up till this year were embarrassingly tame for the most part. That said, they are usually MAJOR alcoholics, I’d say much heavier drinkers than they get credit for – easily rivaling those NFC North fatasses. Na mean?

11.25.08 at 4:21 pm

MadmanMundt

@Gino- That too

11.25.08 at 4:21 pm

unAthlete

This is what KSKS gets for refusing to acknowledge the city of sports supremacy that is Boston. IT’S KARMAH YOU CACK SUCKING FAGGOTS

NFC North Fatasses can out-drink any other NFL division- this year they have to.

11.25.08 at 4:41 pm

Screamapillar

Lives with parents, but not necessarily in basement.
Probably uses “get a load of ___ ovah heeh” frequently.
Has one or more restraining orders issued against him.
Has gone to a high school prom after the age of 21.

11.25.08 at 4:43 pm

Christmas Ape

Who’s this jagoff FozzieBear?

Probably another Stillers hater. Who yinz like? Gotta be some jagoff team like the Pats.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII GOT A FEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLING PITTSBURGH’S GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!

/God’s gift to sports

11.25.08 at 4:44 pm

The Boss

I love the Eagles and I love Andy Fucking Reid. Way to go moron. Bench your only good player. The Giants could throw their 2nd string at that sorry lot and wipe the floor with them. The rest of the NFL should just go home. No use in even trying. The Giants are fucking unstoppable. And oh yea, every other city in this fucking country is a shit box compared to the only city in the world. New Fucking York. You simpleton, ditch digging fucks.

Get used to it, because the New York Football Giants are going to be good for a longggg time.

Other hobbies include rebuilding a transmission on his car right out in front of his house.

11.25.08 at 4:57 pm

IrishCream

I’m sick of football commentators calling them the New York FOOTBALL Giants. The baseball Giants haven’t played in New York in like 50 fuckin’ years. I’m pretty sure the grace period for confusion is over. Oh, and as a lifelong Jets fan, please make this Giants fan as quickly as possible. Goddamn Elisha Manning…

11.25.08 at 4:58 pm

MTL

You must remember, the don’t like to use “I” without first saying “me”.

Frankie: “Bro, me, I’m the guy that’s gonna get that spic for showing his face around here”
Tony: “Dat’s right Frankie”

Lives with his parents, and his mother constant interrupts him, asking if he wants some stereotypical Italian food. “Vinny, come upstairs and get some zeeee-ti! I made it just-a the way you like, with-a some fresh rigott…”

Drives a red Honda Civic with 19″ rims and a ridiculous sound system.

11.25.08 at 5:03 pm

IrishCream

Oh, and you’re WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY off on that WFAN call-in trade proposal:

“Mike, love the show. Tell me why Cashman hasn’t traded for an ace yet, like Jake Peavy? The Padres are shoppin’ him, lets go get him! You offer them Ian Kennedy, Melky Cabrera, Alfredo Aceves, Brett Gardner, a snickers bar, half a pack of gum, three condoms used by the late Bernie Mac, and JB Cox. What’s Cashman waiting on?”

11.25.08 at 5:05 pm

Ocho Cinco Fan Club

Who are these supposed Jersey residents that think Central Jersey is a bigger source of these retards than North? Unless all of these assholes are based out of Rutgers, in which case they technically still don’t live there. Any legitimate resident knows that a dick of this caliber needs to hail from Bergen County, eh?

And definitely not Hoboken, but not any place in New York either. We all know the Giants are a jersey based team no matter how many fucking shots of the skyline you show during the game, ABC/FOX/ESPN.

11.25.08 at 5:09 pm

Ocho Cinco Fan Club

Perhaps an identification of location by the exit on the Parkway: Its TOOOE-ny from Exit 150.

11.25.08 at 5:11 pm

Rock

Bergen Essex Passaic Union and increasingly Morris county can be sources for such individuals. I would need to actually hear a person like this speak before making my assessment on where they are from. I can usually nail down at a minimum the county.

11.25.08 at 5:17 pm

Jay

Here’s an guy in a Shockey jersey, not sure if looks like a big enough asshole though:

Man, I was just thinking this site could use a Tino from Kawrny. He’s always on the prowl for that Montclair State University ass, since he’s just dripping in Axe body spray. I live in Montclair, and Giants fans are fucking out of control.

/Tino empties tub of gel onto head.

.

11.25.08 at 5:18 pm

skc

as someone born and raised in NY and who moved to BAAAWston in my teens I find these stereotypes hilarious.

Fact check: Most long islanders are Jets/Mets/Islanders fans.

Trivia: there is a decent amount of Giants fans and sympathizers in the New England area because a lot of the old timers cheered for the Giants back before New England had a football franchise. So, TAAAAAWMY’s grandfather? He might just be a closet Giants fan (except when they play the Pats).

Analogy: Yankees are to Red Sox as Jets are to Patriots. I’m amazed that most Pats fans still hate the Jets more than the Giants despite the fact that the Giants handed the Pats their worst loss in franchise history.

11.25.08 at 5:26 pm

GoesTo11

I’m not from anywhere near NY/NJ. Can someone fill me in on the “‘Squan” references?

11.25.08 at 5:31 pm

Juice Springsteen

He MUST be completely gay for the Giants’ front seven too.

“Can you fawking imagine how awf tha hook we’d be if we had Osi? It would be EUGE! We’d be fawking unstawppable! We could invade fawking Russia in Januwaree with our D and sack the shit outta those cawmmie feahggots…am I right?’

11.25.08 at 5:35 pm

Gino Tourettesa

I’ve really been enjoying these comments (at a safe 3,000-mile distance from NYC) and it seems two Giants fan archetypes have emerged here: The fat, slobby Carl Brutananadilewski and the the preening peacock East Coast Guido douchebag. I like the Carl type- he reminds me of my fellow NFC North fans.

Oh yeah, don’t forget the wife beater thing- that is, the shirts and the domestic violence.

11.25.08 at 5:35 pm

Nikki

Why do I get the feeling this guy’s pants don’t fit him properly and he doesn’t wash his hair? Kinda want to throw up.

“…And he should only root for the Giants as a winter-time diversion from his real passion: obsessing over the Yankees and calling into the WFAN to propose trades…”

A diversion he only picked up as of February 2007. Ass hole.

I still don’t buy into them. But then again, I’m a life long Cowboys fan. Drank two bottles of wine to get through the damn Super Bowl.

11.25.08 at 5:40 pm

Ditmas Av

He should also be between 18 and 25 years old. I swear, as a college student who’s lived and died with the Jets for 10 years, it pisses me the fuck off seeing all these dipshits I grew up with suddenly claim to be huge Giant fans when they never watched more than half of a game until last year’s Super Bowl.

Squan is a reference to Mannasquan, NJ, a town on the NJ shore, similar to Satan’s asshole.

11.25.08 at 5:52 pm

jackin'4beats

OK so stereotypical Giants fan’s name is Ant-Knee, he wears a lot of gold, too many open buttons on his shirt, drinks too much, drives an IROC Z-28, wears ZCavaricci pants, probably works in construction and lives in Piscataway near his MAAAAAA.

His wife’ll never leave him since he’ll probably get Vito and Mikey to bash her brains in with a tire iron and drop her off in a freshly cemented building foundation.

Ok I live in Montclair too and work in the City. I hate these motherfuckers as much as anyone but the truth is if you live or work in New York they’re not really a part of your world. In fact, about the only time I’m overloaded by guido sports fan rage is when I’m at Penn Station trying to get a train home, and these fake tan spike haired pricks are streaming in wearing their fucking Rangers jersies, making noise and getting in the fucking way. They also get on the subway and talk really loud like they’re trying to be real New Yorkers, and meanwhile all the *minorities* are just sitting there quietly waiting for their stop.

@ Nikki: I’m with ya. I’m a Cowboys fan too, but I could never quite work up the sheer murderous rage toward the Gints and their idiot fans that I could toward the Iggles & Deadskins and theirs.

That was before February 3, 2008.

Now don’t get me wrong…The Patriots and Tawwmy can all suck on it. But the NFL Upset of All Time not only increased 85,000-fold the number of douchebags who claim to have been Giants fans since they emerged from the womb, it virtually guaranteed that I will hear about the ’72 Dolphins for the rest of my fucking life. Die, Giants.

BTW, I’m pretty sure Asshole in the Shockey Jersey was my roommate for about 6 months after college. If that’s a recent photo, he’s lost about 100 lbs. Good for him.

11.25.08 at 6:09 pm

white bread

I imagine that black wife beaters and Jaeger Bombs take up a large portion of this dude’s time.

11.25.08 at 6:12 pm

Gino Tourettesa

Putting on a Shockey jersey automatically makes you an asshole.

11.25.08 at 6:19 pm

Nikki

@ GoesTo11 – oh TRUST ME. As much as I dislike the Giants, nothing begins to compare to my hatred for the Eagles. There is a Philly bar here in LA that I avoid like the plague. I was tricked into going once and for the love of all that’s sacred, will never let it happen again.

11.25.08 at 6:25 pm

Matt B

Seriously…just go to this website and take your pick http://njguido.com/. Provides hours of entertainment as well.

11.25.08 at 6:37 pm

GoesTo11

@Nikki: A Philly bar in LA? You could have just gone down to Venice & had a homeless guy call you “bitch” and “c***” while rubbing up against you for three hours, and then vomit on you. Similar experience, and he probably would have done it for a fiver.

Guaranteed to make you laugh and want to slit your wrists at the same time.

11.25.08 at 6:47 pm

Gene Upshaw's Ghost

he should say “fuhgetaboudit” all the time… like “eli couldn’t help it dat he troo dat last pick.. fuhgetaboudit”

11.25.08 at 6:52 pm

Matt B

@GoesTo11 that site is great as well. A lot more Vegas and LA douchebags on there though. They are actually being sued by a Vegas club promoter because ever since his photo was put in their book, he gets teased wherever he goes. I say he deserves it. Douchebag.

I checked out both douchebag links and I really didn’t know whether to laugh or to vomit, so I did both. I see the West Coast Douche Bag daily, so the East Coast Douche Bag is a fascinating (and frightening) subject.

We’ve all seen the girls who associate with these douchebags, so here’s a quick question: Which is more Hate-Fuckable, the East Coast Douche Baguette or the West Coast Douche Baguette? Brassy, trashy, loud Eastern Douchebaguette for me, please.

11.25.08 at 7:45 pm

clueheywood

“This game’s the biggest thing to hit this city since the superbowl, amiright?”

Statement I overheard while entering a bar at the Pink Taco in Glendale prior to the Giants/Cardinals game on Sunday, from two 30-year-old twin shaved-head jort-and-jersey-wearing (Eli and Shockey) Giants fans who weighed at least 450 lbs each. If only they had the motorcycles, plaid pants and cowboy hats.

He’s gotta be from Jersey. I would like to nominate Red Bank or Wall. His girlfriend has 2 full cans of Aquanet sprayed on her huge hair at any time and she chews gum. Constantly. From my experience of living on the Jersey Shore (about 20 years ago – Belmar) Giants fans are Mets fans and hate the Jets and Yankees. But his stated agreement with anyone has to be “Yeah, right?”
/Used to work at Bar Anticipation, South Belmar. We called it the B A.
//Moved as far away as possible when the opportunity arose. This post made me love L.A. even more.

11.25.08 at 8:36 pm

qwijbo

@ocho cinco fan club, Bergen county is pretty bad, but central Jersey (Jackson, Sayerville, Freehold, etc.) is the worst. I’ve heard fuckers from there that have the strongest, most obnoxious “New York” accent, the kind that is not acquired, but made up, and the one that us New Jerseyans get ragged on. Not even authentic New Yorkers (city or state) have these accents. Seriously, where the fuck do they get that accent?!?! Plus Bergen County is relatively wealthy and while it does have that element (i.e. my new haircut characters) that you are speaking of, it doesn’t nearly have as much as central Jersey.

/holy shit that’s the longest rant I’ve made on this site without my requisite Simpsons quote antic.. AHH FUCK IT

wuzzle wozzle (okay that feels better)

11.25.08 at 8:57 pm

Vince Young Sausage

I know I’m a minority here, and late to the party at that, but since the Giants caused 18-1 to happen last season, I give them and their fans a year’s free pass to be complete dickwads.

you, the man who’s taken to almost classic latin heights declension of the verb fuck.

you, the man who’s done more for the word cunt, as both a noun and adjective, than any man since james joyce.

with these credentials, and a newly-elected black president who appears to have an unusually thick skin, and you drop the editorial n—-r?

what the fuck, over? you’re a living testament to the power of the first amendment, but you quail before the goddam n bomb. i call bullshit.

every 4th word out of this dipshit’s mouth is gonna be some kinda racial, sexual, or cultural reference, and he’s not gonna shy away from calling a spade a fuckin shovel at any moment. and he’s sure as shit not pull no pc, pansy ass, lame ass exercise in self-censorship such as eschewing that perfect pitch, all purpose pejorative, nigger.

11.25.08 at 10:25 pm

Ocho Cinco Fan Club

@qwijbo: As much as I hate the debate of “does central jersey exist?” and fully endorse the fact that it sort of doesn’t, it pains me to admit that we may be thinking of two areas within Central Jersey. The more Middlesex-y area is a little wealthier and less trashy/annoying than what you speak of. At least less annoying in the retarded fucking guido way. I still stand by the fact that North Jersey is the most heavily guido’d out area in the state, if not the country. Also, the guido assholes in North Jersey almost take pride in being assholes and readily admit that they and everyone they associate with are assholes. All going back to the fact that Tony from Exit 150 is a North Jersey prick and damn proud of it, and he should be the stereotypical Giant fan.

/shit, that was long too

11.25.08 at 10:25 pm

Doug's Kin Flutie

… Lawn Guyland …

11.25.08 at 10:28 pm

MyMulletRocked

Trust me, this guy is not from Hempstead, unless he’s a dahhkie. Though guido torpedo will do everything in his power to act like one, from blasting rap out of his car to rocking his boxers to wearing his hat sideways or backwards. In other words, he’s straight out of 1993. As for the gold chain, there are a few must haves: thick rope chain, an Italian horn (“for good luck you mook”), and either a cross or the cross/anchor hybrid. What the fuck is that anyway?

Being an ex-New Yorker, the loyalty lines are usually Giants/Yankees and Mets/Jets.

11.25.08 at 10:31 pm

Ocho Cinco Fan Club

/arbitrarily picked 150 because it sounds good and is north
//Google maps reveals it’s in Bloomfield, which is damn near perfect, since its smack dab in the middle of Essex county, aka where all the Italians live.

11.25.08 at 10:48 pm

qwijbo

@OCFC, okay I agree with you that Essex County (Little Falls, the Caldwells, and like you said Bloomfield) is pretty bad. Sadly, Hudson County shelters me from these jokesters (unless I somehow end up in Green Rock or any other bar within walking distance to the Hoboken train station)

Not enough pessimism and anxious self-assured moments of muttering, “It’s going to end soon…this can’t be happening, we CAN’T be this good…we’re going to have a repeat of the 2003 Wild Cards, I know it, I KNOW IT…!”

Also, repeated condemnations of Eli and Tom Coughlin at the slightest mistake, with more assurances that we should’ve gone with someone else like Rivers or Roethlisberger.

O.K. Guys, guys? I fuckin got it. His name is Sal, but we normally call him Sally. “Yo Sally! get me a beer while yer up, bitch!”. I still like Red Bank as his hometown. His father owns a collision repair shop in Wall and they have season tickets. Sally gets to see about 2 of those, usually mid season, games each fuckin year. He has no “umm” or “like” during his momentary pauses to recollect his train of thought, he instead speaks thusly:

– Sal- “Fuck, Mikey..Did you see that hit by Bradshaw?”
“Fuckin…like that was a serious fuckin hit and shit”.
“Fuckin brutal and shit”
“Am I right?”
-Mikey- “Yeah, right?”
– Sal- “Fuckin A I’m right!”

11.26.08 at 1:35 am

King Ed Ra

This douchebag is from Saddle River, and he’s not Italian, he’s jewish but is a wannabe guido. Otherwise, everything else is perfect.

another thing, giants fans are never giant fans, they are fans of “big blue” or the “g-men”

faggots.

11.26.08 at 3:57 am

Da Favre's

I think the d-bag in question would have a screen name like “12-Pack-Abs” (am i right?!?!)
I have never been so happy to be a leftcoaster!

Oh yeah, and Fuck the Yankee’s and Patriots!!!

11.26.08 at 6:05 am

Trish

Late to the party as well, but the Central Jersey stereotypes are WAY off. Being a native of the place (Colts Neck to be exact–no, my family isn’t rich, Dad was just smart enough to buy our house before it was overrun by the yups and when he sold the house that was his retirement fund) I can tell you that the guidos and bennies are from NORTH Jersey, Staten Island or Long Island. If they say they’re from Freehold or Red Bank ask them if they were born there. Chances are they’ll say no. Once North Jersey started getting packed people began making their way south, bringing their annoying accents and bad fashion sense with them. In fact most people are surprised I’m from New Jersey since I have no accent and tame hair. If I had a dollar for every time I told someone I was from NJ and they immediately responded “Oh! JOISEY!” I could buy the friggin’ G-Men.

11.26.08 at 6:52 am

EastEnd

With the seat licenses at the new stadium only corporate guys wearing $500 loafers, paid for by financial industry bailouts, will be able to sit in the corporate owned seats (the only kind of seats allowed). You want NY annoying? How about Joe Benigno on WFAN ending EVERY question in an interview with “… how about that?” Fucking horrible.

11.26.08 at 8:54 am

Mike Tee

Ooh, Trish, from fancy Colts Neck.

Manasquan is a hole – don’t go there. Please. You’ll make it worse.

Central Jersey (former) resident here.

Guy’s name should be Anthony pronounced ANT-NEE.
Should drive a used Lexus or late edition Firebird.
Should be from East Brunswick or Manalapan.
Should be a peacock (works out the arms but has legs like a chicken)
Should have spiky hair and gold chains.
Must groom to excess.
Obsessively talks about going down the shore where he can bang any chick he wants
The Bar-A references are great, but Seaside is where this guy goes, am I right?
Talks about and gambles in Atlantic city “AC” constantly.
Goes to strip clubs like Delilahs or Bourbon Street and says that one of the strippers is his gf.
Gambling on the ponies before the game? What?
says ‘friggin’ a lot.

11.26.08 at 9:59 am

Rocco

100% Italian and family on the North Shore in Long Island. Giants fan douchebag central. I’m think I’m actually better off having grown up in Buffalo.

/No gold jewelry

11.26.08 at 10:28 am

The Molson Canadians

Ha, I knew this day would come, and I was hoping it was soon. And now we need NYC/NJ’s answer to Tawmmy from Quinzee. I am happy to say as a Westchesterite, I only fit a few of these stereotypes, which would not make them stereotypes I guess…

/Still waiting for the inevitable 4 INT game from Eli, hope I’m wrong

11.26.08 at 11:11 am

Chris

100% italain born & bred New yorker. Yankee & Giants fan. Everyone knows the best pizza is in Brooklyn, not some dopey chain of “rays” thats all over midtown. Fuuggehedabboutit!!!!

11.26.08 at 11:27 am

TylerDurden

May have been mentioned already, but when this guy meets

[door flies open]

WHAT THA FAWK !

Tommy from QUinzee….

The interwebz will explodez.

11.26.08 at 11:33 am

diggem smacks

Must involve in some way shape or form the John Travolta guido trilogy of Saturday Night Fever, Welcome Back Kotter and Staying Alive.

I can’t NOT comment on this one. Especially since before last year no one really even talked about the Giants unless they were being pitied or laughed at..even the fans…but NOW the fans have turned into the most overly cocky bunch of assholes ever to walk the earth.

See below from a giants fan that could not HELP to comment on an ESPN article about the TITANS.! The article didn’t even mention the Giants at all. What a bunch of crap. Ofcourse those NY Giants fans can’t resist to open their big dumb all of a sudden our team is the best mouths:

KazeNino (Mon Nov 17 15:47:23 EST 2008)
Who have the TITANS beaten? Lets see – JAGUARS, BENGALS, TEXANS, CHIEFS have losing records. Thats 5 of their wins because they faced the JAGUARS twice. BEARS, PACKERS, VIKINGS are .500 teams. Thats 8 of the “ALMIGHTY” TITANS 10 wins. leaving you with a mediocre COLTS and the RAVENS. Once again, who have the TITANS beaten? ANSWER…….. 1 GOOD TEAM. And if memory serves me right the Giants BEAT the top 2 defenses in the NFL.. The STEELERS were number one on defense going in when the GIANTS faced them…..The RAVENS were number one on defense going in when the GIANTS faced them. For now the Giants have beat the CARDINALS (7-3), beat the redskins (6-4), beat the EAGLES, beat the COWBOYS (6-4) and its not the GIANTS fault the COWBOYS had injuries and that their defense gave up and packed it in. Thats 5 teams with winning records to their 2. Half of the teams remaining have losing records for the TITANS. You all know who has the MOST difficult schedule remaining in the NFL. So having the best record when discussing the top teams doesnt mean the team with the best record is the best. O one last thing… The GIANTS had Kerry Collins before lol… Good luck to the TITANS having him run your offense in the playoffs.. CHOKE.. He’s not with the GIANTS for a reason…GIANTS ARE THE BEST

Wow. Really Kaze? Nino? Whatever the fuck your name is? That’s awesome. Let’s look at the Giants fucking schedule. Not that much different!

11.26.08 at 1:17 pm

Shea Hey

Everything is perfect, ‘cept for one thing.. You guys are all describing Jets fans
Typical Giants fan is around 50 years old, been watching football forever, is past the point of getting overly excited about anything and absolutely hates the Jets. Plus they don’t tailgate, they sit in their cars and have a turkey sandwich picked up at the deli before the game, then head inside with a pair of gloves, hat and scarf and leave before the start of the 4th quarter to beat the traffic.

11.26.08 at 2:14 pm

Nikki

@ GoesTo11 – true story about Venice. And the guy wouldn’t insult my football team in the process, which is much worse than any name he could call me.

What is funny about this entire post and discussion? Earlier this year, in off season, I dated an Eagles fan from New Jersey. That didn’t last…for SO many reasons. But we still bitch at one another.

@ sunshiney – “Especially since before last year no one really even talked about the Giants unless they were being pitied or laughed at..even the fans…but NOW the fans have turned into the most overly cocky bunch of assholes ever to walk the earth.”

Amen. If you hadn’t said that, I would’ve sworn God did.

—

I just realized I put 2007 in my original comment. Apparently I’m trying to force the Giants Super Bowl further in the past so I can try to forget about it.

11.26.08 at 2:20 pm

Tom

F youz awl.

Have a nice day.

11.26.08 at 2:28 pm

TheLaughingJackal

Hmmmm….

Just insert

“Patriots” in place of “Giants”

“Boston” in place of “New York”

“Irish” in place of “Italian”

“IRA” in place of “Sicilian”

Quoting the “the Departed” or even more troubling, “Fever Pitch” in place of quoting “Bronx Tale” and “Good Fellas”

“Everett, Medford, Saugus, Malden, Lynn, New Hampshire, or Rhode Island” in place of New Jersey

“Fuckin A” instead of “Am I right”

“Wicked pissah” in place of “Swear to fucking god”

“Obsessing over the Red Sox and calling into EEI to propose trades” in place of “obsessing over the Yankees…”

“gotta love the Dropkick Murphys” for “gotta love the Boss and Bon Jovi”

A very apt description on the front running (how many Pats fans followed the team under Macpherson or Rod Rust), masshole Pats fans.

11.26.08 at 3:17 pm

jackin'4beats

So this post all comes back around to hating the Pats fans because they are assholes? That’s something I can get behind. Good job sir.

11.26.08 at 4:51 pm

BadLiberal

@Nikki

Okay, so let me get this straight. You live in California, root for the Cowboys and have a passionate hatred for Philly.

Will you marry me?

11.26.08 at 5:21 pm

Nikki

@ BadLiberal – true, true, true…and hey you never know, I am on the lookout for the next Mr. Nikki.

Grew up outside of Dallas, have lived in LA for almost two years and hate the Eagles so much I will never draft one of their players in fantasy football and don’t wear green on Sundays.

11.26.08 at 6:06 pm

redlight greenlight

-gets information from and has met Peter King
-uses fucking as placeholder “We was at fuckin’, ah, fuckin’, fuckin White Castle”
-regardless of age, likely has a Don Mattingly jersey or at very least signed Mizuno glove
-when drunk, alternates bar custom between picking fights with puerto ricans and jamming quarters into jukebox to play Piano Man four times
-hates the Eagles. Hates the Eagles with the passion of a thousand suns.
-Loves Jeter. Loves Jeter more than life itself.
-argues for Simms’ HOF induction credentials
-constantly reminds you that this is not LA, this is New York

This team practices in New Jersey, plays in New Jersey, and sucks a great deal of dick in New Jersey. Furthermore, they share a sports complex with the New Jersey Jets and the New Jersey Islanders.

Can anyone explain to me why the FUCK they are called the New “York” Giants?

Go fuck yourselves, all of you.

11.26.08 at 10:15 pm

Satan's Messenger

@Peyton’s Retarded Little Brother

The Islanders play on Long Island, fucktard. God fucking damn, you’re stupid.

11.27.08 at 12:23 am

Mah Turkey is dry!

@Peyton’s Retarded Little Brother
God bless you son. You’re doing a service to the Lord. How come Jersey only claims the Devils (my favorite NHL team, yo get me a beer while yer up, bitch) as their own?
That ain’t right.
Jets and the fuckin Giants play in fuckin Jersey! Fix Yo Facts!

@ Satan’s: you’re the fucktard if you couldn’t follow the point. It sounds like you live on Long Island, which is actually more pathetic than living in New Jersey. If such a thing is possible.

Look, it’s simple: can someone explain why they’re called the New York Giants and New York Jets when they play in New Jersey? Especially when the other teams that play in the same complex call themselves the New Jersey Nets and the New Jersey (wait for it) Devils (sober now, thanks, at least for another hour or so).

One whole theme in this thread is the pathetic guidos who live in Jersey but claim to be “New Yorkers.” I guess the same is true of their favorite teams.

11.27.08 at 11:09 pm

bt

Giants fans work out in red and blue Zubaz pants, AM I RIGHT!

11.27.08 at 11:13 pm

goldfish bowls of liquor

True Story. Last night I go home for thanksgiving and all my high school friends end up in Seaside. I’m standing on line for the bathroom and the guy behind me- who had both a dress shirt w. a popped collar and a blowout haircut- goes “hey, bro you done wit’ dat’ beeh’? I gotta take a piss an’ I don’t wanna wait on dis, line, am I right?” I stared blankly. Thinking that I was offended, instead of confused, he tried to smooth over the situation. After a pause he looks at me and goes “Tell ya wat, bro- after i piss in ‘at bottle, i’ll pour it out an’ you can piss too”. I turned around without another word. I wound up in a stall and when I came out a girl (who snuck in) bumps into me. I look at her and say in my best north jersey accent “ehhhh, ohhh… ehhhhh” I turn around and that idiot from the line is looking right at me. He smile and goes “am I right, bro? ehhhhh, ohhhhhhh, ehhhhhhhh”. I hate new jersey.

11.30.08 at 1:30 pm

Fat Man After Dark

HIGH-larious.

11.30.08 at 1:38 pm

bt

Just got back from the Mecca of North Jersey civilization, the Willowbrook Mall. Its 30 degrees with freezing rain today and this jackass is walking around in blue Giants shorts and a faux Giants leather jacket. The outfit was completed with some type of Giants bandana/headband/earwarmer type thing on his head. But he F’ing loves his team, amiright.

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