Aug. 21, 11:18 a.m. (after doubleheader split with the Brewers)Have you ever seen a player as hot as Sammy is right now? Toobad the rest of the offense stinks.

Aug. 21, 11:53 a.m. The Cubs can't buy a break. They'd betterpull out of this funk before the season slips away.

Aug. 21, 2:45 p.m. (during a 3-1 loss to the Brewers) That firstinning was disgusting. Bases loaded and nobody out, with theheart of the lineup up and some stiff on the mound. What do theCubs come away with? Not a single run.

Aug. 21, 2:51 p.m. One of these days I'm going to disavow thesad-sack Cubs. I can't believe all the time and effort I'vewasted through the course of my life following those losers.

Aug. 21, 5:19 p.m. When I get home tonight, I'm putting all of myCubs-related stuff on my front lawn and burning it.

Aug. 22, 12:12 p.m. The Cardinals and Astros are playing greatball, the kind of ball teams with postseason aspirations need toplay this time of year. The Cubs, on the other hand, look likethe Cubs of yore: hapless and impotent. By mid-September they'llbe eight or nine games out.

Aug. 22, 3:39 p.m. (during 16-3 win over Brewers) If Sammy hits60 dingers again this year, you can start making a solid argumentfor Sosa being one of the greatest players who ever lived.

Aug. 22, 4:05 p.m. Cubs get hot, and they can climb right backinto the race.

Aug. 22, 4:09 p.m. Sosa is going to catch Bonds, like I said backin June.

Aug. 22, 8:57 p.m. Figure it this way: The Astros and Cardinalsboth have about blown their wads. If the Cubs go on a littleroll, they're right back where they were three weeks ago. Justone man's opinion.

Leather-lunged fan Ronnie (Woo Woo) Wickers launchesronniewoowoo.com, offering up his philosophy of life plus photosof his being fitted for dentures. Wait, that already happened.

BEAUTY IN SPORTSFACE FACTS

No one would dispute that the body of the average professionalathlete is superior to the body of the average professional couchpotato. We've come to accept that athletes are faster, strongerand more coordinated than the rest of us. But are they also justplain more attractive?

In The Learning Channel's four-hour special The Human Face,biologist John Manning of the University of Liverpool contendsthat there's a link between facial beauty and athletic ability.Manning, who says that "people rate symmetric faces as being moreattractive than asymmetric faces," performed tests that foundrunners with asymmetric ears to be slower than those withsymmetric ears. Why might this be so? Manning argues that facialsymmetry reflects symmetry in the body: A visage that's off by aslittle as a millimeter from one side to the other--the left eyeslightly lower or smaller than the right eye, for instance--cansignal a similar shortfall in coordination and speed.

Plastic surgeon Stephen Marquardt of Huntington Beach, Calif.,who studies attractiveness, agrees that the average jock isbetter-looking than the average Joe. "The face is a barometer ofhow symmetric the rest of the body is," says Marquardt, "and asymmetric body is probably going to function better." He notes,however, that athletes are also typically healthier than otherpeople, which also adds to their appearance. Marquardt points totennis players Venus and Serena Williams and "the Russian girl"as ideals of symmetry, health, athleticism and beauty.

Not all experts agree that pulchritude equals performance. "Idon't think ears or the length of your nose or toenails aredirectly linked to performance," says physiologist Peter Davis,director of coaching and sports science for the U.S. OlympicCommittee. Davis says athletes strive for symmetry in theirbodies to help with technique as well as to avoid injury, butthe idea that beautiful faces run faster, throw harder or servebetter is ridiculous. "Beauty is a pretty subjective thing,isn't it?" he says.

In a random survey, athletes were split on the subject. "Youcan't say that people in one job are better looking than peoplein another," says rotund Red Sox reliever Rich Garces, "but Imay not be the right person to ask." Bucs defensive end SimeonRice, meanwhile, knows at least one athlete who stands out fromthe crowd. "I look good," Rice says. "I have Adonis-type form. Ienjoy being me." --Kristin Green Morse

The Play's the Thing

On Friday the film O, an adaptation of Shakespeare's Othello inwhich the title character is a high school basketball standout,opens in theaters. But does the Bard really need updating? Wecombed his works and found Will the Thrill's views on sport to besurprisingly current.

On scholar-athletesSIR ANDREW: I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues thatI have in fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I butfollowed the arts! (Twelfth Night, Act I, Scene 3)

On the French OpenKING HENRY V: When we have march'd our rackets to these balls,/Wewill, in France, by God's grace, play a set.... (Henry V, Act I,Scene 2)

On gender equityCLEOPATRA: Let it alone; let's to billiards: come, Charmian.CHARMIAN: My arm is sore; best play with Mardian. CLEOPATRA: As well a woman with an eunuch play'd/As with a woman.(Antony and Cleopatra, Act II, Scene 5)

SYNOPSIS In a spot touting its NFL coverage, CBS enlists theservices of its newest network spokesman: Baby Bob, an infantwho, thanks to some special effects, speaks with the voice of agrown man. "I love smash-mouth football," says the tough-talkingtyke. "I know, I'm only seven months, but I'm old school."

BACKGROUND Introduced last year in a series of ads forFreeInternet.com in which he costarred with Shaquille O'Neal,Baby Bob proved to be a breakout success. Although the Internetservice provider he was shilling for went out of business, BabyBob became so popular that CBS bought the rights to thecharacter and built a sitcom around him, which will premiere in2002. Meanwhile, the network's marketing execs, looking for ahipper, more youth-oriented approach for their NFL and fallpromotional campaigns, decided the raspy-voiced infant wouldmake a perfect pitchman. "We figured, why wait?" says RonScalera, CBS's creative director of advertising and promotion."Let's make him part of the CBS image now. Hopefully, he'll bewell received and become a franchise character."

BOTTOM LINE A cheap Look Who's Talking knockoff that appeals toinfantile sensibilities. In other words, NFL viewers should loveit.

Lost ClassicsSI College Football

You can have NCAA Football 2002. You can have the wholePlayStation genre. Give me my youth. Give me, at the risk oftooting our own horn, Sports Illustrated College Football, aboard game that introduced me and my pals in Alabama to thethrills of staying up into the wee hours before we knew whatgirls were.

The game was sold in the '70s; my version included 32 of thebest college teams from '60 to '70. Though the best of the bestwere the '67 USC Trojans--trust me, we staged a playoff--wetended to stick to the SEC teams that we knew. Offenses had nineplays, each with 30 possible outcomes determined by three dice.Defenses, with dice of their own, could run six formations.Winning didn't depend on the thumb-eye coordination necessaryfor Nintendo. It depended on calling the right play and rollingthem bones.

During sleepovers, my best friends, Eddie and Lewis, and I tookturns competing against each other long after our three TVstations played the national anthem and signed off. Emotions ranhigh--I once cracked the green plastic football field by slammingmy fist down in disgust.

I was obsessed with Sports Illustrated College Football, andover the years I wondered whether my intensity had ruined theexperience for other players. I ran into Lewis last week andasked him. "Are you kidding?" he said. "I loved that game!" Ikeep the game in my office as a reminder of my youth. Nearly 30years later, I'm still sheepish about the crack in the field.--Ivan Maisel

Blotter

PresentedAt a meeting of the American Sociological Association, a paperby Oregon State assistant professor Steven Ortiz, "When SportsHeroes Stumble," in which Ortiz argues that a "culture ofadultery" exists in U.S. pro sports. Among Ortiz's previouspapers are "Competing for Power in Sport Families: The Wife andControlling Mother-in-Law," "Strategizing Marital Survival: HowWives of Professional Athletes Cope with Groupies" and "TheSport Marriage as a Dysfunctional Institution."

Locked OutOf Eagles practice on Aug. 21, reporters from the PhiladelphiaDaily News and several Philly TV stations, because these mediaoutlets had run helicopter shots of a closed workout duringwhich the Eagles tested various shoes on Veterans Stadium's newartificial surface.

AlteredA billboard erected in Louisville by the Louisville SluggerMuseum boasting that it had MORE OLD BATS THAN A NEEDLEPOINTCONVENTION. After the Embroiderers' Guild of America, also basedin Louisville, took issue, the sign was painted over to read OLDBATS.

StolenFrom the home of a Calgary businessman, seven limited-editionprints by noted sports artist Stephen Holland, depicting WayneGretzky. Because the prints, valued at about $11,000 each, arenumbered and easily identifiable, police believe the theft mighthave been orchestrated by a collector not interested inreselling the artwork.

StrippedOf his Canada Games bronze medal, Daniel Blouin, who placedthird in the 3,000-meter steeplechase and then, to get a laugh,mooned the London, Ont., crowd. Organizers called the moveunsportsmanlike.

on the SceneBe of Good CheerOur intrepid reporter takes a shot at the NBA limelight

I stood in front of the judges' table in a sports top and skimpyshorts, showing the two beauty marks on my stomach that my mothertold me only someone who had changed my diaper or put a ring onmy finger should see. I was number 64 (among 78) in the auditionline for the Nets' dance team, Power n' Motion.

We hopefuls were being queried about our experience and evaluatedfor what director Natasha Baron called our "court friendliness."Number 61 stepped forward, said her name and then nailed aquadruple backflip. "I worked for Mariah Carey in one of herGlitter videos," said another. Before I had time to decide if Icould do a cartwheel, I heard my number called. "Do you tumble?"I was asked. "Not intentionally," I said.

During the two-day audition, I found out just how much my lack ofdance experience meant. Choreographer Dominick De Franco showedus the beginning of one routine. I can handle this, I thought tomyself. Then he demonstrated the next move--a 360-degree jump-turnwith knees tucked to chest, followed by a right leg kick to theside just before landing. The force of the move pushed a breastof the woman behind me out the side of her sports bra. Luckilyfor her, no one saw. But not too many people missed it when Ilanded square on my rear end.

As I rose I looked at the other dancers, the ones who wouldn'tmind enduring three four-hour practices a week in order to appearat 41 Nets home games and 10 to 20 community-relations events.There was a risk management consultant, Noelle Silberbauer,hoping to rediscover the rush she got during her cheering days atVillanova. While practicing the arm movements, I punched JeanetteGross, a dance teacher who never thought her dream of being oneof Janet Jackson's backup dancers would take her to an auditionseemingly every day.

I couldn't move after the two-day audition, nor could I imaginenot fitting into my sandals because my feet were too swollen, thefate of those auditioners who pound their bodies into thehardwood every day only to hear Baron--after reviewing auditiontapes and sorting through piles of Polaroids--call to say, "It'snot your year." --Melissa Segura

the Beat

Secret celebrity weddings just aren't what they used to be. Takethe nuptials of Jason Sehorn and Angie Harmon, held in June atthe Highland Park Presbyterian Church in suburban Dallas. Eventhough the couple zealously guarded the privacy of theirceremony--guests had to know a password to gain entrance to thechurch--someone hid a remote-controlled camera in the church'sbalcony, and wedding images turned up in the National Enquirer.Harmon confronted church officials about the pics, but they toldher they'd determined it wasn't an inside job. The former Lawand Order star is still looking to pin down the perp....

Fame and a $252 million contract don't open every door, as AlexRodriguez can attest. A-Rod recently inquired about joining theexclusive Dallas Country Club and was told that, like everyoneelse, he needed two sponsors and would have to wait two yearsfor an opening. Bill Cooper, a former president of the club,says the waiting list is several hundred names long, and no onegets to cut. "If he wants to become a member, he needs to beintroduced to people here and make new friends," says Cooper. "Ican't remember the last time someone got in in less than twoyears."...

That singer-songwriter John Ondrasik is a big sports fan shouldbe obvious, given that he named his band Five for Fighting, asin the hockey penalty. But with the group's single, Superman(It's Not Easy), and album, America Town, climbing the charts,Ondrasik finds he has to explain his band's moniker often."People are always asking, 'What are you fighting about?'" saysOndrasik. "The name's appropriate since the music business islike a hockey fight. You make a record, you get beat up, you gosit in the box." America Town also features a ballad about theperils of sports idolatry called Michael Jordan. "I wanted towrite about obsessive fanaticism, and for that you've got totalk about the ultimate icon," says Ondrasik. "Besides, if Icould come back as anybody, it'd be Jordan."

Before he became the premier postseason performer of his generation, the Patriots icon was a middling college quarterback who invited skepticism, even scorn, from fans and his coaches. That was all—and that was everything