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You think this is easy, maggot? It’s a soul-crushing constant struggle where your thumbs ache, and your spit tastes like flat 7 Up and Cheetos! I’m here to tell ya that virtual war is hell. And the loss (sob). You feel the brutal loss of all those heroes who got torn down by bullets fired by the best damn graphics that computer animation can build. Heroes like… Um… What’s-his-face, Joe something… Uh, let me check the character notes.

But now, soldier, you’re covered, really covered. As game manufacturer Konami explains on its website for Metal Gear Solid V, “Your FOBs [Forward Operating Bases] are always at risk of coming under attack. Now, you can rest easy with FOB insurance (paid service) [original italics]. If you sign up for insurance… you will be compensated for any materials and staff lost due to rival infiltrations.”

In case you’re not a hardcore gamer, you might just be wondering, Am I paying virtual money for this virtual coverage? Nooooo, maggot! You cough up cold hard cash—“but free MB Coins are also distributed periodically as login bonuses, etc.”

And you’ve got some miracles happening. If the enemy swipes your stuff or people, it amazingly stays on your base while an identical set of the looted goods is handed over to your rival instead. Which kind of makes you wonder, Well, was it taken or not? But we do not ask questions in war, you got that?

And hey, what would an insurance policy be for two-dimensional fictional military personnel if it didn’t have exclusions? No, you will not get compensated for the prisoners in your FOB brig, and you will not get anything for your deployed forces defending your base. Do you understand? (I can’t hear you!) That’s the price of battle, son.

Of course, this new product rollout is not going down well with everybody. Mashable’s reporter Adam Rosenberg, who had been so keen on the Phantom Pain version of the game in August (“Waging war has never been so enjoyable”), complained in early October, “Ultimately, insurance devalues Metal Gear’s online experience and threatens to drive away players aggravated by the idea of potentially facing off against foes with nothing to lose. The bottom line: Insurance kills the spirit of online competition.”

Personally, I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy; we fought ourselves. Oh, wait, that’s the closing narration of Platoon…

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Copyright 2015 Rogers Publishing Ltd. This article first appeared in the November 2015 edition of Canadian Insurance Top Broker magazine