I have read my previous post at least 300 times. I am reading it so I can be really, really familiar with the words when the time comes to read it on Christmas Eve… That way when I start tearing up I’ll still know the words…

I seem to blog during extreme times of my life. Not so much when everything is nice and smoothe. When something exciting is going on or when I’m in turmoil, I feel the need to express myself. I don’t think I’m the best writer in the world, but I’m certainly not one to sit and paint in order to let my feelings out. I’m usually better at expressing myself with written words. If I need to have a difficult talk with someone, I’ll write down what I want to say just in case I can’t find the words when the time comes to converse…

Anyway… I should probably take a shower or something. Maybe eat some breakfast…

I’m generally an easy-going gal. I tend to take things in stride as life throws stuff at me. Sometimes I do take offense to what others say to me… And I’m not offended about what someone says so much as how the words are said.

Example: I decided to go ahead and reopen my OkCupid account. Some guy, we’ll call him M-OKC, was messaging me and I read his profile and he seemed to be an okay guy. We went out for pizza and I realized that a.) he’s cheap, b.) he’s odd, c.) he’s just – weird. I don’t mind weird. Hell, I’m weird. But his weirdness is of the sketchy-type… You know, the kind of person you know you probably should avoid being alone with in a dark alley? Anyway, we go our separate ways and to keep him at bay I told him that I realized I’m not ready for a relationship at this point because I’m still too in love with my (ex) bf. That’s totally true, but was just an excuse to get this guy to leave me the hell alone. He doesn’t get the hint. He sent me a text yesterday, “What’s a gorgeous woman like you doing tonight?” I had had enough. He had sent me texts with “baby” and “honey” and “sweetheart”. Being that I think he’s the creepy-sketchy type of guy, I took offense to the “endearments” if you can call them that… I told him to stop because I didn’t like the terms. “Why does it bother you?” OH MY GOSH! I just wanted to scream at him!

Why does it bother me that you’re calling me baby?! Because you’re a gross man. You make me feel sick. You think that you’re some gift to women. Well, when you stare at me with your beady, narrow eyes I want to vomit. And when you you smile and show your yellow teeth I want to run away. I got all of that from a couple of hours at CiCi’s. The whole time I was thinking, please don’t touch me. Yes, I’m offended that you think I should just let you use special terms of endearment after a few hours of talking to each other. I’m not yours. And I never will be. **shudders**

I told him that I thought that calling me “baby” when I’m not his is sexist and demeaning. Who the hell are you to call me baby? I’m not your baby.

After visiting with my sister, brother-in-law, and brand new nephew in the hospital for a few hours, I met my parents, brother, and other nephew for dinner. After dinner my mom and I went back to the hospital with my nephew so he could visit with his baby brother for a bit. On the way there this conversation unfolded:

Mom: I’m seeing a counselor.
Me: Oh yeah? Why’s that?
Mom: Well, your dad and I are having problems.
Me: Ok. Well, is the counseling helping? Are you both going?
Mom: No. Just me. Well, your father has come twice. I’m going more out of spite than anything. I guess you can know what’s happening.
Me: Alright.
Mom: Your father found a friend from high school on Facebook. They were messaging back and forth. (I’m sure if darkness hadn’t fallen that she would have seen the color drain from my face.) Then he told her that she could email him on his work email! I told him that I didn’t have a problem with them talking, but it should be on our joint email.
Me: Oh dear.
Mom: Yeah, so then I find out he’s been emailing her and texting with her and skyping with her. You know his new phone?
Me: Yeah…
Mom: He got that so he could talk to her.
Me: What?!
Mom: I know. He told me that if I had such a problem with it to get counseling. So I am.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom.
Mom: The worst part is is that he has admitted that they’ve been flirtatious and suggestive.
Me: What a (I wanted to say asshole or dick) jerk!
Mom: Yeah. He told the counselor the first time that he came with me that he was like the guy in Proverbs that follows the harlot and not Wisdom.
Me: But he hasn’t changed anything, right?
Mom: He keeps saying they aren’t talking as much.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom… I can completely relate.
Mom: Hmmm?
Me: That’s basically what bf did to me.
Mom: (I could hear the tears in her voice) Oh honey…

For the first time in my life I can completely relate to my mom. I’ve always felt a disconnect because we had never had any experiences that were remotely similar. I really want to give my dad a piece of my mind… To let him know that (ex) bf did the same thing to me and hurt his daughter so deeply. How would you like that, Dad? Huh? How would it sound coming from your daughter that a man hurt her in the same way in which you’re hurting Mom? Fuck you, Dad. You’re an asshole.

I am completely – horrified – that people are happy when I am so completely sad. It’s not that they’re happy about the Redskins losing while I’m sad about it… No, I’ve started telling people that I broke up with my boyfriend and I’ve had more than one person say, “Oh, good!” as if I’m supposed to be rejoicing in the fact that I was engaged to be married to my very best friend and then everything went to hell in a handbasket. How dare you?!

And my parents want me to come out this weekend because:

a. My sister is being induced on Friday and I’ll have a new nephew
b. My brothers will be in town
c. I haven’t visited my parents since August
d. My birthday is on Thursday

I have a feeling that my parents will also do a happy dance inspite of my clear misery. Now, my parents have never cared for my (ex) bf… They’ve never liked any guy I’ve ever dated. And they particularly dislike my (ex) bf because he doesn’t have their same ideals – who freaking cares?! Geez.

Anyway, I had always told my (ex) bf and friends that he is the best (ex) bf I’ve ever had. He treated me so well – except for these past few months. I was always a priority – except for these past few months. He made time for me and was sensitive to my needs – except for these past few months… (See the pattern?) So, I broke it off. Took me over a month to work up the courage and confidence, but I still question if I did the right thing. Maybe I should’ve given him more time to figure his shiz out before bailing…

He did affirm my decision though. He told me that I was right, that he was being a complete dick to me and that I deserve so much better. He said he was so sorry. He said that maybe if he gets his shit together he’d like the chance to properly date me. But that I shouldn’t just wait around for him because I do deserve to be happy and because he can’t meet my needs right now. I told him that I wouldn’t just come crawling back to him – that he’d have to fight for me and show me that he can really respect me again. He said that this is his loss… that some lucky guy will sweep me away in no time…

You know when you’re just having a really tough time and you feel the need to cry but don’t want to but can’t really help it so your eyes well up with the tears and your chest heaves as you try to smother a sob and you blink several times in a row and try to get your breathing right so that you don’t have an all-out bawling spell? Yeah. That’s me. Right now. That’s been me all morning long. I’ve managed to keep my crying at bay with only a few tears streaming down my cheeks. I’m sure on my way home from work I’ll let it all out. Cause, you know, I have to cry by myself… No one else is around. And here it comes again…