Tuesday, August 20, 2013

mash

If there's one thing I just absolutely love, it is disappointing people. Gotcha! April Fools! You weren't expecting that because it is August 20, not April 1. Man oh man, did I just punk your ass.

Yeah. Disappointing people is the worst.

But what might be slightly more worse is suppressing my needs and desires for whatever anyone else needs and desires. And (wo)man oh (wo)man, I do have perfected this. My people pleasing has become an art of sorts. I am completely qualified to teach seminars (webinars?) on the art of people pleasing. I will title it "Zen and the Art of People Pleasing: I really hope you like this seminar: If you don't like it, I am so so so sorry: Please don't hate me: I'll do whatever I want." I won't even charge for this seminar. I'll, like, give the audience money instead.

This really has to stop.

Tonight I told my dad that I was listening to "Monster Mash" in my car with my windows down, but changed the song because I didn't want people to wonder about me. My dad caught me and said, "No. No, you need to stop caring what people think of you." If you know my dad, this statement is a big deal. It also meant a lot. Despite how obvious and simple his words may seem, it left me speechless. Was this a moment of enlightenment?

I know I appear flaky. And by "appear" I mean "am." I am flaky because I will make plans with people or agree to something knowing damn well that I either a) don't want to, b) already have plans, c) am damn tired, or d) need me some good old soul searching alone time. I procrastinate and avoid and when it comes down to the last minute, I cancel! Guuuuh, that's so obnoxious. Then I feel bad about cancelling and then I think I'm a selfish brat and then I make more promises I can't keep and then I feel overwhelmed and I am just one giant mess of neuroses, now aren't I?

So I need to stop. I need to stop and slow down and maybe even disappear briefly so I can regain my footing and confidence (and maybe a little peace of mind). I want to straighten things out in my life; I want to discard what is unnecessary and energy draining; I want to reclaim my space in this world; I want to reach out to my own true self and tell her that she's perfectly imperfect and okay just how she is right now.