Sharing Inspiring Self-Help Wisdom By Author, Marilyn Fowler

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“No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.” ~ Robin Williams

The words we speak not only affect others but they affect the speaker too. We assign meanings to the words we use and those we hear. And these meanings register in our mind, affecting the way we think and feel. Words are powerful tools that can bring happiness to a broken heart, peace to a tired soul, whimsical laughter to a child at play. They convey profound ideas or play with the absurd. They describe our neighbors and discuss the latest gossip.“The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do.” ~Thomas Jefferson

One word can be as powerful as a whole sentence. When something pushes our buttons, a sentence may push us into a hole, while just one word can get us over the hump. Many people have a ‘key’word they use to reduce stress or to express an attitude or feeling. When my daughter was a small child, she sat on the floor putting a toy together while I visited with my mother-in-law. Suddenly, she said, “Oh, dammit.” And my mother-in-law glared in shock. I tried to cover up with, “I wonder where she got that.” Then she looked up and commented, “What, Mommy, that word you say?” Well, I just sank further into my chair. And yes, I changed my favorite word.
The user of a keyword has to really feel the word for it to become a meaningful habit. Maybe you’ve heard people use ‘oh, well’, ‘really’, ‘whew’, etc. My favorite word now is ‘whatever’. I rarely use it in conversation, but it has an amazing ability to release a tremendous load of stress when I push to frustration trying to accomplish something. To me, it means the situation is not the end of the world, so I can just let it go, at least for now.

Words are powerful. They can create or they can destroy. So choose your words wisely. ~Unknown

Words have been known to change whole civilizations when a crazy person sits in the power seat spouting directions to his helpless subjects. They gather in the streets carrying signs with words of protest. But they remain helpless, and eventually bend to oppression. When we hear false statements long enough, we tend to believe them. And today we live in a world where words have transformed peaceful, caring minds into ‘us and them’ attitudes filled with judgment, hate, anger, fear, and separation from one another. Now is when words of love and peace are needed. And a good place to start is with our words to ourselves about who we are.

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.” ~Anthony Robbins

Thoughts speak with words, and these words create beliefs and feelings about ourselves and others. Listen carefully to what your own thoughts are saying about you. Are there doubts about the truth of who you are? And have you allowed the words of others to sway your vision of your true self? Look closely at your self-image, and answer these questions. Then use descriptive words to reveal the truth about you, words like honest, loyal, intelligent, kind, good-looking, anything positive. And add some words for negative traits you can work on. We all have those.
I think three things are important for people to feel whole and fulfilled...understanding, validation, and caring. All of these can be accomplished in the way we speak to others and in the way we hear others speak to us. Too often in conversations, we’re just hearing words, and not really hearing the other person. But if you listen with a caring attitude and your words reflect on what they’re saying, they’ll hear and feel the goodness that is you. Both will feel whole and fulfilled. And they will notforget.

Today, we’re living in a time when too many people have chosen a hateful journey. And we all suffer. Make your journey one of peace, harmony, and love. And let your words reveal this in you and as you. Then our journey may have a different future.

‘The above statement: “nothing moves without a push,” could be applied to just about anything in life, but it’s very appropriate when dealing with depression.’

When we fall into that pit, it can feel like we’ll never get out, and we long for someone to reach down and save us. But it usually doesn’t work that way. There are times when a person is too weak to do the pushing, and medication is required until they’re strong enough to participate in the recovery process. And that’s okay. But for most of us, we’re stronger than we think, and we can begin recovery in spite of that hopeless feeling that churns inside.

“You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Try and Sit quietly, close your eyes and go within. Take your time.

1.This may sound weird, but accept where you are right now–depressed. Owning the problem and being willing to face it and resolve it puts the ball in your corner and takes some of the power away from the depression.

2.Now state your intention to climb up out of that pit. It hurts, and you want out, so you intend to get out one way or another. So there!!

3. Reach down deep inside and locate that inner strength you thought was gone. It’s still there, and it will answer your call. Now take a deep breath. You need one. You’ve just accomplished the first step to freedom.

“For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe.” ~Larry Eisenberg

Now, give yourself permission to not be all things to everyone else. This is your time to heal. Meet your commitments, but your main focus now is you.

4. Clarify the source of your depression. Is it a problem on the outside, or is something going on within yourself? If it’s on the outside, do what you can to resolve it and then let it go. You don’t have a magic wand. If the source is on the inside, ask your Higher Self to reveal what you need to work on.

5. Use denials and affirmations. Example: I deny that this problem has any power over me. I affirm my ability to rise above any obstacle in my life and find the freedom I desire.

6. If you feel like crying, ranting, raving, swearing, etc, don’t hold it back. It will just keep popping up. However, don’t let it control you. Allot a certain amount of time for this kind of an outlet. 30mins, 1hour, 2hours, whatever you decide. Then when the time is up, cut it off. Do this again as needed. You’ll find this need will diminish.

7. Make a deliberate effort to use props and beauty to raise your mood. Music, walking outside, exercise, watch a sunrise, eat an ice cream cone, create belly laughs (I know you don’t feel like it, but do it anyway) whatever it takes.

“Give light, then the darkness will disappear of itself.” ~Desiderius Erasmus

8. This is one of the most important things you can do to help yourself. Find ways to help someone else. Not because you feel obligated, but because you want to. Give and get hugs. You need them too. Give and accept all the love you can. Love is the greatest healer.

“Be not afraid of changing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.” ~Chinese Proverb

The journey back up is not easy. It takes time, and you may have to start over numerous times. But never ever give up. The will to live will always push you forward and give you the strength you need. You are meant to soar like an eagle. Accept help when it comes, but you have to flap your own wings.

I wish you joy in your heart and a smile on your face. You can make it.

“What then is Freedom? The power to live as one wishes.” ~Marcus Tullius Cicero

We’re all products of messages we hear and absorb growing up. “Do this…Don’t do that”…etc. Those messagesinfluence who we think we are and the way we live our lives. But some people break loose and answer the call they hear way deep within…the call to be who they are and choose how they will live. Which one are you? How free are you to make your own choices and follow your own way? A few years ago, I wrote a very short whimsical story about a young woman wrestling with her messages and making a decision about her future. I hope you enjoy this story. It could be you.

SPRING CLEANING

I slushed through soapy puddles across the kitchen floor, doubled up my fists, and kicked the empty mop bucket as far as my bare foot could sling it. I heard my mother’s voice from my teenage years. “You should be more careful. Spring cleaning doesn’t need to be a chore.” My mother’s voice was grounded in my head–from all my ages. Sometimes I wondered if I even had one of my own. Her voice echoed from the past with phrases like, “Nice girls sit with their legs together,” “Take a quick shower, so you don’t waste water,” and “Too much sugar isn’t good for you.” I remember how she hovered over me at mealtime to make sure I cleaned my plate. I still feel guilty when I turned away from brussels sprouts.

Yes, my mother taught me some valuable lessons and gave me some good advice, but wouldn’t you think I could do something now without cringing to chatter from an old phonograph wound too tight? Where was my own self in my life? I’d wanted spring-cleaning to be painless, but I always wrestled with my inner drill sergeant spouting orders. I knelt down and sopped up water with the big towel I usually took to the beach where I heard my mother tell me not to go out too far in the ocean. “Even good swimmers drown, you know.” Calmdown, I told myself. Keep it simple. I knelt down and squeezed the last bit of water into the pail, threw the towel across the room and sat back on the tile floor. It’s time for a break.

I wiggled my body into a comfortable position in the recliner chair on the patio. The morning air smelled clean and fresh. A big gulp of iced tea cooled my throat, and I grinned like a defiant child escaping out the back door when it’s time to help with the supper dishes. Escape sounded good. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and coaxed my mind to quiet. There’s power in quiet.There must be ways to stifle old messages, free to express my own voice and reflect my own personal style.

I turned off the alert button in my head and allowed new plans to flood my mind. First I’d go to the beach, feel the cool breeze between my bare legs, and swim far outinto the ocean, looking back at the shore from very deep water. I’d run along the beach as fast as the wind would carry me and feel the warm sand ooze between my toes. Then I’d come home, take a shower and bask under the welcome spray for as long as I wanted. And that strawberry cheesecake that’s been in the freezer too long. It’s time to smack with each bite.

My grin widened to a full smile, and I felt a strange sense of power begin to stir, a feeling I’d only glimpsed in the past. A sense of resolving gnawed in my head. I’d get back to spring-cleaning, I mused, but wait ’till I’d done some inside cleaning and practiced being a new me. I could hear my mother saying, “Everything begins with a first step.” That one I’d choose to keep.

“The spirit is the true self, not the physical figure which can be pointed out by your finger.” ~Cicero

We generally think of ourselves as having one identity and that personality and individuality are the same entity. But they are quite different. Personality is our ego self, the reality we created with false beliefs while growing up. This external changeable part of us is influenced by the environment, and we cultivate personality by listening to voices outside of ourselves. Individuality is the inner or real self that never changes its identity, and it expresses spiritual qualities. We cultivate our individuality by listening to the still small voice inside and following it. Therefore personality is the sum total of all your changing opinions about yourself. And individuality is your Self.

Ideally, our 2 parts, the ego self, and true self will function together in harmony and peace, and the ego will express in our material world who we truly are. But many people believe their personality is who they are, and this is who they identify with. Even those who know better sometimes have difficulty living from their true self. But if we want to live authentically, we must gradually transform our reality. This transformation is our spiritual journey back to our spiritual source.

“What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.” ~Abraham H. MaslowTransformation to decrease negativity in your life and develop more positive and fulfilling experiences…to live from your true self…will take increased awareness and understanding of both your personality and your individuality. You experience both selves, but you must pay attention and become aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behavior patterns in order to distinguish oneself fromthe other.

Step back and become the observer. At first, just practice observing and learn to recognize the impatient, demanding voice of your ego and the patient, loving voice of your true self. Question…how are they different, how do they feel, what is each saying to me with words, feelings, and actions, what does each want for me? Etc. Get to know them as you’ve never known them before. And as you become familiar with each one, learn to identify them with, “This is ego, or this is me, my true self.” With this awareness, you can learn ways to decrease expression of your ego personality and increase expression of your true self-individuality. When you see the bigger picture, you see with the eyes of the soul.

“Ego is just like dust in the eyes. Without clearing the dust, you can’t see anything clearly. So clear the ego and see the world.” ~ UnknownEven with all its troublesome ways, the ego self is not our enemy. It’s like a misguided child who needs guidance and healing to think and behave in ways to benefit the whole person. Ego feels fearful and insecure and uses deception and control to survive. So reassure it you’re not trying to eliminate it but to understand and incorporate its valuable traits into your life in positive ways. Your ego self is strong and resourceful, and you can teach it to listen to the voice of truth and lead you in choices that redirect your life in positive ways instead of disruptive ways of the past.

“Every experience of love, bliss, belonging, inspiration, and insight provides a stepping stone back to your true self.” ~Deepak ChopraYour ego wants the control and will resist change, but it can be tamed and integrated as a positive part of the whole person. And once you learn to identify the ego state as it arises, you have the power to allow your true self to express in its place. As you go through each day dealing with your ego self, practice expressing more of your true self’s divine qualities of love, kindness, understanding, and compassion. As these qualities increase, negative ego will lose its need to control and will decrease. And positive changes will come.

Transformation is a lifetime endeavor, but as we begin to know ourselves as souls, we gradually release attachment to our false identity, and we embrace our wholeness. As our ego self and true self-function together in harmony, our life will have a deeper meaning and will reflect the love and peace we long for.

Do you ever think of your past and find ‘what ifs’ running around in your mind? What if I hadn’t done that, what if I’d done something different? Mistakes and Regrets. And you spend your whole life agonizing about how different life would be had you made wiser choices in the past. Everyone goes through it, but you don’t have to live with it.

One day, perhaps, you will see for yourself that regrets are as nothing. The value lies in how they are answered. ~Steven Erikson, House of Chains

What kinds of feelings come up when you think of your mistakes…anger about what you did or failed to do, sadness at how things turned out, guilt, stupidity, disappointment in yourself or feeling others disappointment in you? We can be pretty hard on ourselves for being imperfect. I’ve never known a perfect person. But I have known some pretty great imperfect people. So you don’t need to keep beating yourself over the head and getting into ‘what ifs’ because you stumbled in the past.

Getting stuck in regret, self-criticism or blame can rob you of confidence and clear vision and then sabotage what you may want to create now. You can harbor your regrets, and stumble through life, but every decision you made was based upon your knowledge at the time. And maybe the path you took was necessary to move you to creating something better. Louise Hay says, “Every experience Ihave is perfect for my growth.”

When I worked in the jail with a Mental Health Team, I counseled homeless inmates incarcerated for trespassing, stealing food, yelling at police officers, etc, some with mental illness and some without a mental disorder. And many came from dysfunctional homes with physical and/or mental abuse. I heard a lot of ‘what ifs’ from them with poor self images and memories of one mistake after another. They saw few worthwhile qualities in themselves and no hope for a positive future. But as I worked with them I found many bright minds with potential for a better life, and many learned to see their mistakes not as reasons for blame, but as learning tools to turn their lives around.

Cut away the nonsense, the drama, the regret, the scars of the past, and make a decision to no longer let them govern your happiness and freedom. ~Steve Maraboli

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Awareness: Sometimes we’re not aware of what’s churning in our subconscious robbing us of the freedom we need to grow on our journey. If you have a sense of something holding you back, look inside and see what’s in there. Any guilt and self-condemning thoughts? Any memories you’ve hidden somewhere so you don’t have to re-live them? Bring them up and begin your road to freedom.

Forgiveness: You’re not your mistakes. You’re not stupid or incompetent. So you don’t need to forgive yourself for being who you are. You need forgiveness for doubting yourself and allowing your mistakes to create a false image of you. Deal with your mistakes and feelings from your true self.Affirm your positive qualities often, acknowledge who you are, and claim your true identity–a beautiful person who goofs up sometimes.

Confrontation: There’s power in thoughts and more power in words. So when any self-condemning thoughts come up, talk to them directly, out loud when possible. Tell them you’ve had enough, and you’re letting them go … goodbye! Refuse to let them hang around.

Comfort: Comfort that inner child part of you who’s been suffering for too long. Give her/him lots of hugs with love and approval. And when you make your next mistake–and you will–do the same with that mistake and all the others that follow. You’re the caretaker, and your inner child needs you.

I can’t count the times I kicked myself in the rear end with regret, and it always took a while for those thoughts and beliefs to give up and go away. But each time it was a new step forward. And I wish those steps forward for you.

I chose a path when I was young.
I saw it in my mind.
And the way was clear for me to find
The wonders of my world.
I saw the years that lay ahead
With eager arms outstretched.
And in my trusting heart was etched
The vision of my life.
But than, as I began my walk,
Clear and bright and sweet.
I felt strange boulders neath my feet
Begin to change my path.
I tried my best to stay on track,
To keep my footing true.
But then great strong winds blew,
And tossed me in the air.

I didn’t know which way to go.
I got confused, and angry too.
What was a helpless child to do
On such a road as this?
I kicked and screamed, but I was lost.
How could my chosen way be gone?
How could I have been so wrong
To miss my rightful path?

Did faulty judgment change my steps,
And take my dreams from view?
Or was there something else there too
That stole it all away?
And then one day in deep despair
When hope was all but spent.
I saw a glimpse of truth that lent
A quiver in my soul.

A still small voice from deep within
Said look with wiser eyes.
Turn from the appearance, and realize
The truth of who you are.
I pondered over these strange words.
And stretched my mind to see.
Could there be yet a path for me
To be myself again?

I reached down deep to find the faith
I’d lost in younger years.
And raised my glance through drying tears
To see the other side.
When suddenly I saw it there
Beyond my tangled web.
Shining in a wondrous light that said
Come walk again.

I saw the place, my chosen path.
Clear and bright and sweet.
And I felt a breeze beneath my feet
That set my path anew.
I slowly smiled with careful step
To move on this new ground.
And started now to move around
Those pitfalls in my way.

Now I meet the boulders on the road.
They’re always there, you see.
But knowing now the truth of me
Protects and guides my course.
So now I rise above the storms,
Or dodge the puddles in their place.
To be a master of my space.
On this, the path where I belong.

Validation–that sense of self as unique, worthy, and valued, with a connection with others and the universe. Validation, with no judgment, is vital for inner peace and happiness, and without it you may feel you don’t matter. You may even feel invisible. In other words, validation requires unconditionalrecognition, acceptance, and appreciation for the whole person you are.

You may remember when someone lifted your spirits, and you felt good about yourself. And you may remember when some put you down, and you felt like a nothing inside. So others have the power to validate positive and negative, and you go through the ups and downs of how others make you feel.

Most of us get some positive validation from others, but there are those who live their whole life with a self-image of nothingness. When I worked in the jail, I counseled the homeless mentally ill. Sometimes I told them I saw their bright mind and good heart, and they could do something with their life. Their reaction was always the same. They’d pause, overwhelmed with tears, and say, “Nobody ever said that to me…nobody.” Then they’d wipe their tears on their shirt sleeve and smile. Validation gave them some meaning in their empty life.

We need to let each other know we’re important and appreciated, but in order to gain dominion over our own feelings we need to learn self-validation from within. What would it be like if you validatedyourself, and didn’t need it from anyone else? You would have dominion over your feelings, and it would prevent opinions by others from invalidating you. And you’d be free.

“The only permission, the only validation, and the only opinion that matters in our quest for greatness is our own.” -Steve Marboli

Self-validation is a life-long process, and our experiences teach us what we need to know about ourself. We become less critical; we gain more understanding and tolerance of our total self; and we free ourself to be who we truly are. We don’t create a new person. We simply allow our true Self toemerge.

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So how do you learn self-validation with strength to maintain it?

1.Assume the role of observer, and think about how you really feel about you. Sad, wounded, pretty good, could be better, disappointed, etc. No judgment. Just observe and let it be.

2. You don’t have to like every feeling you have, but you do need to own all of your feelings. They’re yours. They belong to you. And you can do whatever you want with them. Throw them in the trash, hang them on the wall, get a refund. Notice when you’re feeling judgmental, and decide you’re done with that feeling. Take judgment and criticism out of your life forever.

3.Identify and list what you consider positive and negative about you. Decidewhat you want to keep and what you want to release.

Example: I interrupt people when they’re talking. I can release that one.
I let dishes pile up in the sink. It’s okay to do that. (Smile) etc.

4. Start being kind to you, and know you deserve it. Give yourself what you missed as a child; begin giving yourself what you seek from others; when you feel unhappy or stressed, ask what you need, and when possible provide it for yourself; watch for success and praise yourself.

5.Accept mistakes and shortcomings as part of your learning process, and everyday look in the mirror and say, “This is me, warts and all. And I’m absolutely amazing.”

As you move along, practice relating less to your human self and more to your higher Self, that part that transcends human pain and knows the truth of who you are. Take back your dominion over how you feel, and let that higher Self shine with love and peace in your heart. You are beautiful.
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May you always be true to your special Self.

Marilyn Fowler, Author
Of Silent Echoes

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