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A DONALD TRUMP ENDORSED NEWSPAPER
FRIDAY, MARCH 24,7017 . MINNEAPOI-IS, MN ' ISSUE 17 ' VOI-UME CCXXII
CAUTION: READ ATYOUR OWN RISK, THIS IS THE ]OKE ISSUE, LAUGH ALITTLE.
You won't belieqte w'hat $22 wilLion wdT machine
Pribbenow just aþþroved
GABRIEL BENSON, WILL CORRECT YOUR EFFING GRAMMAR
fiollowing the recent
I development o[ the
I Haglors Center of Sci-ence,
Business, and Religion,
President Pribbenow and his
cabinet have created a new
3O-year plan that will expand
Augsburg's campus, increase
the student population and cut
costs offacuþ and staff.
The newest Augsburg Death
Star will provide an area of
learning, vocational training
and personal erowth. This new
change comes with Augsburg
College's consistent dedication
to vocational growth in a new
and unique environment.
Pribbenow has outwardly
spoken about this new and ex-citing
opportunity lor future
students. The Death Star will
create a unique learning space
that will allow for students to
live, work and learn, all in the
comfort of a giant superweap-on.
The clecision to fìre all of the
adjunct laculty came alter a vi-cious
frght over unionization in
the fall semester of 2016. Stor-mtroopers
have proved them-selves
to be cheap; they are paid
$2 per hour, and they provide
top-notch education for the stu-dents
that are learning at the
Augsburg De ath Star. Adjuncts
that were against the switch
have since been used as target
practice for any laser-shooting
classes that are available with
the new Stormtrooper faculty.
Augsburg's commitment to
saving money is representative
ofits commitment to its mission
statement: infòrmed citizenship
through intergalactic abroad
education, thoughtful steward-ship
through advancement of
Augsburg's new republic tak-ing
over the galaxy, responsible
leadership through new voca-tional
training on the ship such
as lightsaberfighting and target
shooting and critical thinking
through the replacement of
spendy adjuncts with efficient
and practical Stormtroopers.
This decision to grow the
student, facuþ and staffpop-ulations
will allow the expo-nential
increase of revenue for
the college. This will not only
bringin more international stu-dents,
but also students from all
around the galaxy.
She thought she was going to staple her paper, but then this...
ABBY TETZLAFE CONSTANT ANNOYANCE
Last night, another of Lin-dell
Library's staplers was
stolen from under the noses of
student workers and reference
librarians.
t\dding one more to the
count, this totals 65 stolen
staplers in the 2016-2017 aca-demic
year alone . The number
is unprecedented in its intensi-ty
and can only be compared
to the Great Encyclopedia
Heist of 1973, when the library
was located in Sverdrup Hall
and some misguided seniors
snatched all the college's refer-ence
encyclopedias and taped
the ever-iconic picture of
Richard Nixon giving peace
sisns to the barren shelves.
Each picture was captioned,
"I am not a crook," according
to DPS' investigation files.
No one has witnessed these
crimes, and as of now, no stu-dents
have come forward with
any possible leads to catch
whoever is to blame for the
stolen staplers.
Most of the staff at the li-brary
believe the stapler-steal-ing
spree is the work of one il-
Iit.erate ne'er-do-well who has
never been caught on camera
but has a deep hatred for me-chanical
objects and small
projectile metals.
Stacy Cutinella, in charee of
the Learning Commons, had
something to say when asked
about how the bandit was aÊ
fecting the library'.s ability to
operate. "I understand why
people steal the pens," Cutin-

A DONALD TRUMP ENDORSED NEWSPAPER
FRIDAY, MARCH 24,7017 . MINNEAPOI-IS, MN ' ISSUE 17 ' VOI-UME CCXXII
CAUTION: READ ATYOUR OWN RISK, THIS IS THE ]OKE ISSUE, LAUGH ALITTLE.
You won't belieqte w'hat $22 wilLion wdT machine
Pribbenow just aþþroved
GABRIEL BENSON, WILL CORRECT YOUR EFFING GRAMMAR
fiollowing the recent
I development o[ the
I Haglors Center of Sci-ence,
Business, and Religion,
President Pribbenow and his
cabinet have created a new
3O-year plan that will expand
Augsburg's campus, increase
the student population and cut
costs offacuþ and staff.
The newest Augsburg Death
Star will provide an area of
learning, vocational training
and personal erowth. This new
change comes with Augsburg
College's consistent dedication
to vocational growth in a new
and unique environment.
Pribbenow has outwardly
spoken about this new and ex-citing
opportunity lor future
students. The Death Star will
create a unique learning space
that will allow for students to
live, work and learn, all in the
comfort of a giant superweap-on.
The clecision to fìre all of the
adjunct laculty came alter a vi-cious
frght over unionization in
the fall semester of 2016. Stor-mtroopers
have proved them-selves
to be cheap; they are paid
$2 per hour, and they provide
top-notch education for the stu-dents
that are learning at the
Augsburg De ath Star. Adjuncts
that were against the switch
have since been used as target
practice for any laser-shooting
classes that are available with
the new Stormtrooper faculty.
Augsburg's commitment to
saving money is representative
ofits commitment to its mission
statement: infòrmed citizenship
through intergalactic abroad
education, thoughtful steward-ship
through advancement of
Augsburg's new republic tak-ing
over the galaxy, responsible
leadership through new voca-tional
training on the ship such
as lightsaberfighting and target
shooting and critical thinking
through the replacement of
spendy adjuncts with efficient
and practical Stormtroopers.
This decision to grow the
student, facuþ and staffpop-ulations
will allow the expo-nential
increase of revenue for
the college. This will not only
bringin more international stu-dents,
but also students from all
around the galaxy.
She thought she was going to staple her paper, but then this...
ABBY TETZLAFE CONSTANT ANNOYANCE
Last night, another of Lin-dell
Library's staplers was
stolen from under the noses of
student workers and reference
librarians.
t\dding one more to the
count, this totals 65 stolen
staplers in the 2016-2017 aca-demic
year alone . The number
is unprecedented in its intensi-ty
and can only be compared
to the Great Encyclopedia
Heist of 1973, when the library
was located in Sverdrup Hall
and some misguided seniors
snatched all the college's refer-ence
encyclopedias and taped
the ever-iconic picture of
Richard Nixon giving peace
sisns to the barren shelves.
Each picture was captioned,
"I am not a crook," according
to DPS' investigation files.
No one has witnessed these
crimes, and as of now, no stu-dents
have come forward with
any possible leads to catch
whoever is to blame for the
stolen staplers.
Most of the staff at the li-brary
believe the stapler-steal-ing
spree is the work of one il-
Iit.erate ne'er-do-well who has
never been caught on camera
but has a deep hatred for me-chanical
objects and small
projectile metals.
Stacy Cutinella, in charee of
the Learning Commons, had
something to say when asked
about how the bandit was aÊ
fecting the library'.s ability to
operate. "I understand why
people steal the pens," Cutin-