. .. no, wait, actually it’s a report on how to stop sexual harassment by foreigners at a club.

I hope the "GET OUT FACE!" expression catches on.

Below, women’s fashion:

. . . and men’s fashion:

Pretty sure one of the two is a joke, but I’ll be dammned if I can tell which.

Summer diets!

The "gaijin punch" is part of a larger article on how to avoid date-rape. The name of the article is SEX KARATE MASTER’S SECRET TECHNIQUES!

One of the interesting things about this article is it presumes you’re already in a hotel room with someone you don’t want to have sex with.

There is no guide of, "Secret Techniques of How to Not be in a Hotel."

Probably because, "Don’t drink" is too short to be a magazine article.

That’s another weird thing about this article – it makes no mention about alcohol, drugs,

or the fact that these delicate negotiations are doubtless being conducted under the influence of both!

I guess that sort of common sense advice is too boring for EGG.

They seem to want to tittilate their readers with sex and narrow escapes.

But – why would a magazine with a female readership find that kind of thing tittilating?

SEX KARATE! I TRANSLATED AN ARTICLE FROM EGG MAGAZINE (with hella help from kangoshi)

EGG magazine is fascinating to forigners because it seems to be on some girl-power youth rebel shit but at the same time on some anorexic fashion-slave shit. I figured that translating an EGG article on date-rape would help illuminate their mysterious attitude towards girl power. This article was difficult to translate because even though it was about rape, they never actually said "rape." (I had to choose between translating what they meant or keeping true to the original wording) Also keep in mind that this whole article assumes you’ve already gone to a hotel with a guy you have no intention of fucking. Like, that’s the unspoken premise of the whole piece! Which is in itself pretty amazing. Like, "Duh! Of course you’ll wind up in a hotel with some random dude. There is no way of avoiding THAT. it’s the sex that comes after that you have to avoid, girls!"

Is the idea of "I’ll go to a hotel with a guy i am not interested in" such a normal concept in Japan, that it doesn’t need an explanation?

Also, as homework for you, check out their obsession with "scientific" polls and charts. That’s not an EGG thing. All japanese magazines do that. And here is a test question for you: Does the concept of Sex Karate, and the very militant pictures, match the actual advice they give?

page one:

SEX KARATE INTENSIVE TRAINING CLASS IS NOW IN SESSION!

GALS ARE IN A PINCH WHEN IT COMES TO DATE-RAPE! AVOID THE EMERGENCY WITH MERE SECONDS TO SPARE!

Have you been attacked when you didn’t want it? Has someone come in the toilet when you are doing your business? Have you been followed around by a persistent pick-up artist? When you fight back against those kind of situations – HIYYYAAA! IT’S SEX KARATE! The sex karate team is here to give you a lecture.

COACH ： There’s nothing lower than a date-rapist. It’s useless to fall for that kind of guy. Girls have to be strong enough to avoid them in the first place. HI-YAAA!!

TEACHER – KANAKO: Girls that have a weak attitude are the ones they target first. Men get carried away and think they can do what they want. You have to be the kind of girl who can say NO! With our special training, you can do it to the bitter end!

TEACHER – RUI : Men are stronger than women, it can’t be helped – but you can still push them down and run! Rui will teach you how!!

THE POISON MUSHROOM ALERT IS IN FULL EFFECT!

DESTROY THE POISON MUSHROOM! LET’S ALL AIM FOR A SOCIETY WHERE GIRLS ARE SAFE.

RUI: Coaaach! Kanakoooo!!! One time, I ran into this pervert – he was an old guy, walking down the street all normal, but when he saw me, he whipped his chinko out and started running! Luckily, I was with my friend, so we just laughed about it, but what if I was alone—?

COACH: For realzzz! Men piss me off! Guys like that; they get their kicks from scaring women and children. . .

KANAKO: That fuckin’ old pervert. It would’ve been awesome if you could of called your friends real quick, and you all could have dragged him to the police station.

COACH: Of course! But in real life, what is a gal by herself supposed to do when she is being aimed at like that- You got to do what you got to do – HIYAAAA!

KANAKO: Anyway, this one time, an older friend of mine said, in the most normal tone of voice, “Let’s go to a love hotel – I promise not to try anything!” Which of course he did, and I totally refused him.

RUI: As one would expect of Kanako! You don’t have to say yes to guys just to avoid hurting their feelings- that’s an important point,isn’t it?

COACH: Yeah. . .after all, if you get fucked against your wishes, it’s you that will be hurt! And you will be, if you don’t make it very clear what you’re feeling.

KANAKO: That’s the kind of strong woman we’ll make of you if you join the SEX KARATE TEAM.

RUI: let’s all try our best!

Page 2

BEING A GIRL, THERE’S A LOT OF STUFF TO DEAL WITH! BUT WE WANT TO FIND OUT EXACTLY WHAT! We asked about the feelings of the girls who said “no.”

READERS’ POLL:

Q1 : HAVE YOU HAD AN EXPERIENCE WHERE YOU HAD TO SAY NO TO SEX AT THE LAST SECOND-?

YES 34% NO66%

The “Yes”es are up 30% from our last poll! The girls, they are not in the mood.

Saori said, “He didn’t even look like a playboy, but. . . ! He asked me to go to karaoke, but for some reason took me instead to a love hotel. . I indignantly refused!

Q2 : WHY DID YOU REFUSE HIM?

TOP ANSWER : HE WAS GROSS

#2 :COCK WAS SMELLY

#3 : IT WAS TOO MUCH OF A BOTHER

#4 : MY TUMMY HURT

#5 : I REALLY WAS ON MY PERIOD

You can go out with him as a friend, but to put it bluntly, you aren’t interested in his face or fashion. And yet, he starts grabbing your stuff! This has happened to so many girls. And as for answer #2, doesn’t he have a disease?

Q3 : WHY- WHY DID YOU GO OUT WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE?

TOP ANSWER: HE WAS A FRIEND

#2: I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS A DATE

#3: HE WAS COOL.

It seems that an essential feature of men is that if you think of them as a friend, they always want something more! Be careful of guys that you haven’t met before.

Y-chan: “I went with him because I was into him – when we got to the hotel, he jacked me off, but after I came, I got tired and lost interest in him. . .”

Q4 : HAVE YOU EVER REALLY NOT WANTED TO HAVE SEX, BUT WERE SCARED, AND DID IT ANYWAY?

YES 42% NO 52%

WTF 40% of today’s strong women said yes- Why??? Because they knew they’d see the guy again – either he was their boyfriend or they had a lot of mutual friends. So they didn’t want to hurt his feelings, or have him think they’re a bitch, or have him flip out and yell. There are really a lot of girls like this!!

Q5 : HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO AVOID IT WHEN HE TRIED TO FORCE YOU TO “H”? TELL US YOUR STRATEGY!

TOP ANSWER: MY PERIOD (14%)

#2: YELLING “NO NO NO!” (12%)

#3: MY TUMMY HURTS (10%)

#4: CRY (6%)

#5: FLIP OUT ON HIM (6%)

Most men can’t stand the sight of blood, which makes the “period” excuse your best bet. You can also fake an illness.

Saotasu: “He was trying to undress me even though I was on the phone! Eventually I passed him the phone and my friend was like “WTF ARE YOU DOING WITH HER- ARE YOU SICK???” and so my friend saved me, long-distance!

Shinri: I told him, “Do you really think you can make me come-?Do you have what it takes???” I kept hammering away at his self-esteem until he gave up.

BIGGEST IMPACT ANSWER COMES FROM MS.. WEST: My partner and I were in the room, when he came at me, but I didn’t want to do it. So I gave him some fellatio, and managed to barely avoid sex. (mimics referee) ‘SAFE!’

Q6 : WHAT WAS HIS REACTION?

TOP ANSWER: HE QUIT WITH A DEJECTED FACE

#2: “BUT I REALLY LOVE YOU!” HE SAID WHILE CRYING

#3: HE KEPT PESTERING ME TO DO IT

#4: HE FLIPPED OUT ON ME

#5: “DO IT!” HE YELLED AND ATTACKED ME

MEN’S POLL:

“Hold on! Don’t get me all worked up and then say no, don’t fuck around!”

THE VICTIMS OF “LAST-MINUTE-NOS” – WE LISTEN TO THE ANGER OF MEN.

KACCHAN: She shouldn’t take her problems out on innocent men. ——

Q7 : WHAT DID YOU DO AFTER SHE SAID “NO” AT THE HOTEL?

TOP ANSWER: I JACKED OFF!

#2: I SANG KARAOKE (on the built-in machine at the hotel)

#3: I WENT AHEAD AND DID IT TO HER ANYWAY!!

#4: WENT HOME

#5: I MANAGED TO PERSUADE HER.

Q8: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF GIRLS WHO DO THAT??SHOW US YOUR ANGER!!

TOP ANSWER: DON’T FUCK WITH ME, YOU SHIT-GIRL!

#2: I’LL MAKE HER FINISH WHAT SHE STARTED!

#3: GET OUT OF HERE!

#4: JUST DO IT ONE TIME?

#5: WELL, IF THAT’S HOW YOU FEEL, DON’T GO OUT JUST THE TWO OF US, DUMMY!

HAYATO: I’d just jerk off, but then cum on her face!! I’ve had times when I’ve been refused at the hotel, and just gone ahead and done it to her anyway: “Shut up and spread those legs!” Once you get to the hotel, it’s going to happen one way or the other.

YUUSUKE: Well, she’s paying for the hotel, then, the idiot!! One time we’d been in the hotel 30 minutes, when suddenly she says, “I keep thinking of my ex-boyfriend,” and turned me down. The whole thing was her idea in the first place – WTF???

Page 3

THE LEGENDARY SEX KARATE TEAM TELLS YOU THE DEEP AND SECRET ANCIENT TECHNIQUES OF STOPPING SEX IN THE NICK OF TIME!

Here are the techniques which are useful in real life! Of course, if you can get your opponent to stop just by talking to him, then you can escape to a safe place, and you win.

Before deploying your karate, begin by accusing him with words! Here is verbal karate to make a man wilt:

“YOU’RE STINKY!” – Us ladies have a superior sense of smell, it’s one of life’s mysteries. Tell him straight-up, “You might not know it, but you really have bad B.O.!”

If your opponent has a tiny penis, you can take advantage of the situation with this technique. By constantly talking about “My boyfriend this,” and “My boyfriend that,” you should aim for giving him an inferiority complex.

(out of 21 people polled, 42% said this made him wilt)

“TODAY IS THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY PET’S DEATH!”

Coming up with the kind of off-the-wall excuse that makes him stop because he’s so surprised, he involuntarily goes, “Haahh???” is a good one! The Surprise Attack. Make him feel you’re so weird, he doesn’t know how he should react.

(out of 8 people polled, 16% said this made him wilt)

“BABBLE INCESSANTLY!”

Talking on and on about nothing in a loud voice, concentrating single-mindedly on the TV while deliberately laughing in an annoying way – this is a sure-fire way to put out his desire. Men don’t want to have sex with such a childish chick.

(out of 22 people polled, 44% said this made him wilt)

“I’VE GOT HELLA STD’S UP IN HERE!”

This line will shock anyone, boys or girls!Even if he replies without pause, “Which ones?”, you needn’t worry: Just remember to say say,”Trichomoniasis!” or “Candida!”

(out of 44 people polled, 96% said this made him wilt)

“OWWWW! X 10000”

While grabbing your stomach and flopping face-first down on the bed, yell, “OWW!” rapidly over and over. If your opponent asks you, “What’s wrong?” say, “I got food poisoning!” and escape to the bathroom.

(out of 10 people polled, 20% said this made him wilt)

“WHAT ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND?”

In the case where your opponent has a girlfriend, you can take advantage of it with these lines. Make him remember his girl, and ask himself what is the right thing to do. If you keep pulling at that rope, surely he’ll get choked.

(out of 11 people polled, 22% said this made him wilt)

“MY BOYFRIEND’S A YAKUZA!”

This is the technique to use – only if your opponent isn’t himself connected with the mob! “It’s possible he might drop by the hotel to say hi, but that’s OK, right?” This is a great way to deal a final blow to a wounded opponent.

(out of 27 people polled, 54% said this made him wilt)

THE FOLLOWING TECHNIQUES ARE STRICTLY FORBIDDEN:

Resisting with violence such as kicking him in the nuts won’t do anything but make him mad. There is a risk he will go into a frenzy, so don’t do it! On TV and movies, the “Lower-abdomen attack” always works, but in real life it will certainly set his anger to maximum and you’ll not only get raped but also beaten up, abandoned in a dangerous neighborhood, or stalked later on. If your opponent is really strong, it’s better to cry in a cute way, so he thinks to himself, “This girl is useless, I don’t want to get with her!”

WE ASK AN ACTUAL HOT GUY, “WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF A GIRL DID THESE THINGS TO YOU?”
”No mistake, I would definitely break up with her!” Mr. Miyamono says, “If someone did that to me, she must really hate me, right- It’s a big shock! If she accused me of violence?!? I absolutely couldn’t trust her.”

ADVANCED SECRET TECHNIQUE 1:

RUN INTO THE TOILET, LOCK THE DOOR.

Put some distance between him and you, so he can’t hurt you. Waiting there until morning is a pain, so call your friend and have her come and get you.

(10.2% of our repondents tried this, with 82% success)

A survivor who did this tells us: “I’m on my period!” I yelled and ran to the bathroom. I escaped the man who kept saying, “So what- Let’s do it!”

We ask a hot guy, “What if a girl did this to you?” I’d wait for five minutes, and if she didn’t come out, I’d start to worry. But I’d probably get a little angry, so I would sneak out the hotel and she could pay for it!”

ADVANCED SECRET TECHNIQUE 2:

SNEAK AWAY WHILE HE’S IN THE SHOWER

(Japanese dudes shower before sex, apparently). This is the kind of technique where no bone gets hurt, but afterwards there’s a huge fight. So if it’s your boyfriend you’re escaping (!), don’t forget to leave a little “lie-memo” like, “Sorry I just got a call from my parents who are in the hospital, I have to go.”

(57% of our repondents tried this, with 90% success)

A survivor who did this tells us: The instant he was half-undressed, I picked up all my shit and made an “animal-dash” for the door. The last thing I heard was his voice, going, “Say what??”

We ask a hot guy, “What if a girl did this to you?”: That kind of girl probably wasted the whole (pre-hotel) karaoke session working herself into a paranoid frenzy. I don’t want to meet her twice, I’ll tell you that much!

ADVANCED SECRET TECHNIQUE 3 :

YELL “NOOO!” 100 TIMES AND CRY LIKE A BITCH

To make his cock go limp, play on his emotions! Use this technique to make him say to himself, “I’m really in trouble now!” By the way, screaming and pitching a fit is ok, but it’s better to cry in a girlishly-angry way: “He’s such a whiney baby, I’ll have to give him something, it’s like charity work!” is the best way to employ this method.

(50% of our repondents tried this, with 44% success)

A survivor who did this tells us: I wanted to go karaoke with my male friend, but then he got grabby- he only wanted to go do sex! When there was no way to avoid it, I pretended to cry. It was my veto!

We ask a hot guy, “What if a girl did this to you?” : Wouldn’t it be more effective if she found a peaceful boyfriend to begin with? If I was cried at by my partner, it’s pretty pathetic so I’d be unable to have sex, yo. And afterwards, I’d feel a little annoyed.

Page 4

FUCK OFF! TECHNIQUES FOR DEALING WITH THE EXTREME “NANPA” GUYS.

FIRST OF ALL, IGNORE THEM. IF THEY GRAB YOUR ARM, GIVE THEIR ARM A LITTLE SLAP.

MS. RUI: Nanpa guys, in the end they only want sex!

MS. KANAKO ： You’re right about that. This one time, a guy said, “You dropped something!” I turned around to look for it, and he added, “You dropped your memory of me!” At the time, I laughed, but afterwards, I got mad. “Dropped your memory of me-” What does that even fuckin’ mean???

KARATE COACH: recently, the quality of guys doing nanpa has really gone down! If there’s two girls walking together, they’ll only talk to the cute one. It’s really insensitive – they didn’t use to act that way. Can’t they see the strain that this puts on the girls’ friendships? Stop doing that kind of nanpa!!!

MS. RUI: And these guys that don’t give up. I wish my friends would call me when these guys keep talking to me. It would give me an excuse to ignore them, plus help me restore my good mood.

MS.KANAKO : These days, guys won’t even stop if you’re on the phone! All following you, saying, “Are you talking to someone? Who you talking to?” WTF are they thinking?

MS. RUI: You’ve got to give them the “full ignore!” Don’t try to talk to them out of sympathy, it’s futile.

KARATE COACH: Make no mistake, you have to act really conceited to beat such an opponent. Never look him in the eyes.

MS. KANAKO: HI-YAAA!

GET OUT OF HERE! TECHNIQUES TO AVOID THE NANPA GUY WHO WON’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

There are 2 situations where you meet them : the street and the club. We’ll introduce them separately.

STREET NANPA AVOIDANCE:

When you’re walking down the street and hear a loud voice calling you, that’s “street nanpa.” Blocking your path, spreading their arms to stop you, calling you names. . .. these days, the guys who are doing wack nanpa are on the rise!

1 – FIRST OF ALL, TALK ON YOUR CELLPHONE AND IGNORE THE GUY

If your friend doesn’t answer, merely pretending to be on the phone is just as effective. And whatever you do, don’t look him in the eye.

2 – DON’T GIGGLE AT HIM, JUST BECAUSE HE LOOKS FLY.

Even if your opponent’s face is sexy, you can’t return a smile – you might as well drop your pants right there. Of course, if you are out trying to be picked up, it’s a different story! But otherwise, it doesn’t matter how cute he is.

3 – NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS, DON’T STOP WALKING.

Some guys will even call out, “Hey, Ugly!” or other complaints, just to break your concentration and get you to turn around. Don’t fall for this.

4 – IF HE TRIES TO GRAB YOU, GO IN A NEARBY STORE.

Yelling loudly or running far away will also do the trick.

CLUB NANPA AVOIDANCE:

Just when you’re having fun dancing, some guy is calling you, “Let’s go out drinking!” or rubbing up against you on purpose. He might herd you into a dark corner and rape you right there! Even if you scream, no one will hear in the club. Before that happens, try these techniques:

1- IF HE GRABS YOUR ARM, GIVE HIS ARM A SMACK

“Getting hit on by you is an annoyance!”- telling him this in a very direct way is the best response, but a lot of girls find this kind of opponent scary, so they don’t even complain. But! Like we said before, nanpa is not illegal, so you’re on your own (the police won’t help you). So if you don’t like him, it’s very important to express it to the bitter end.

2 – IF YOU PROJECT THE AURA OF A GOOD GIRL, THEN NANPA GUYS WON’T COME NEAR YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

The most effective method is to pretend you’re a “good girl.” In other words, make the nanpa guys think, “That chick is no fun!” If they grab you, link arms with your girlfriends, and say, “I’m sorry but unfortunately I have another engagement, sir! Perhaps next time. Tra-la-la!” If you can fake that, you’re a great performer!

These guys say to themselves, “As a sort of souvinier of my trip to Shibuya, I’ll. . . “ To get the most out of their vacation, they call out to you. But to me it looks like they’re members of the “teasing-tribe” of nanpa guys (they don’t really think they’ll have sex). In front of Club Harlem, I often hear the west-coast accents! And then the old Guardian Angels geezers come up and start yelling at them that nanpa is ‘illegal!’ What is this world coming to??

BONUS FEATURE: OUR COVER MODEL EXPLAINS HOW TO AVOID FOREIGNERS WHO GET TOO CLOSE AND WON’T GIVE UP.

You have to be very out-spoken with them: only say “no” when you really mean “no,” and then say it really forcefully. I like to go to clubs in Roppongi. With 2 or 3 friends, plus all our acquaintances, of both genders, we are big and loud enough that other Japanese don’t pester us. (laughs) But foreigners, on the other hand, will come up trying to talk in their strange voices. BUT! We usually ignore them, but there are times when they just won’t give up – I have to smack them and say, “GET OUT FACE!” This is a foreign expression which seems to mean, “go away from my face now.” (laughs) it is pretty effective against foreigners. If they still don’t get the message, I can yell, “FUCK OFF!” (laughs). WTF- Why do they come to the club just to pester girls and be stupid all night? They should just enjoy the club in a normal way. But,for the men of the world, being stupid is normal, isn’t it?

Even more intolerable than the nanpa guys, is the existence of dirty old men! But what is the best way to manage them? The sex-karate team’s “emergency counter-measure conference” is hereby called to order!

“I don’t know what he wants to do to me, but if he gets any closer I’ll dial 110 (police)!”

KANAKO:I really fuckin’ hate “chikan” men. When I was in junior high, this old guy was grabbing me on the train every day. I was crying! And the “nichibusen” train is nothing BUT chikan! The subway corporation isn’t giving a shit.

COACH: Ahh. ..what did you do?

KANAKO; One day I bleached my hair and made my uniform skirt really short. He didn’t come near me! I guess I was scary!

RUI: They should have the “for women only” train cars running all day, shouldn’t they? Running it just in the morning doesn’t make sense! Plus there are guys on it!

COACH: One time on the last train, some guy tried to put it in me like it was a totally normal thing. I felt something warm on my butt, and looked around: the guy had wedged his “full bo-ki” in the side of my thong, and was trying to slip it in! I yelled “What the—” and ran away. Eveyrone else on the train was steady sleeping!

RUI: I really fuckin’ hate those hentai! Plus they often look totally normal so you don’t know who to avoid.

COACH: That’s right! Another time I was almost home and a hand grabbed my arm. “Go to karaoke with me!” he said. Siezing the moment, I whipped out my cellphone and took a picture of his dick, and told him I’d email it to the cops.

RUI: Women can be daring, too!

KANAKO: You’re god damn right!

THE OPPONENTS OF WOMEN! MANAGEMENT OF SEXUAL CRIMINALS:

Men are stronger, and plus we gals can’t run fast in our pin-heels, and what’s more we’re dealing with criminals with no fear of the law! In that case, you can’t do it alone – you have to ask for help. Even we would call the police!

HIDDEN CAMERA SHOOTER MANAGEMENT:

If you see naked pictures of yourself on the internet, call the police and ask for a meeting – it’s the best way. This coming season, hidden-camera men AND flashers will both be increasing! So go armed with some regular shorts under your miniskirt.

STALKER MANAGEMENT:

First of all, go to the police. It’s really your best option. Have you ever wondered if you have been stalked? Persistent phone calls, emails, following around, as well as harassment all count as stalking. Keep a memo of the time and place every time he bothers you, so you can show it to the police later. If the stalker is someone you know, talk to a mutual friend or your parents as well. If you can avoid him for a while, perhaps he’ll cool down on you.

HENTAI FLASHER MANAGEMENT:

Guys who expose themselves or jack off in public, this is the hentai! To be frank, it would be better if these guys did not exist. If you ignore him, he won’t get his thrills. But if he’s persistent, take a picture of him and go to the cops. Police do arrest guys for this kind of thing, so it’s worth your time.

CHIKAN MANAGEMENT:

Without even one word to him – yell “Someone help me!!” loudly, and appeal to the other people on the train, get them on your side. In the case of train molestors, it’s good to confront them with a strong attitude and yell “Fuckin’ quit it!” But if you lack the courage to do that, appeal to the other people on the train, accusing him in a sobbing voice: “I’ve been chikaned! I’ve been chikaned! Someone save me!”

FINAL WORD FROM THE EDITORS:

If you’re stalked, raped, or molested on the train, of course you should go to the police. But if you make your opponent angry, you might be risking your life! So, the concepts of ‘Going to the hotel so easily,’ and ‘getting picked up so readily’ are important things to consider.

ok, end of translation.

I’m tempted to try and fit this article into American categories: "Is it liberal? Or is it conservative?" "Is it feminist? Or sexist?" but if I do that, I won’t learn anything about fuckin’ Japan, will I?

All I can say is, to me, the most useful part of the article was the one-sentance interview with the guy straight-up saying he is a date-rapist. And – I shit you not – he let them print his picture! All smiling, like, "Hey ladies!" If the whole article was man-on-the-street interviews with young , handsome , fashionable date-rape guys; guys who know the police or the girl’s dad won’t do shit – then they wouldn’t even need the rest of the article because the readers wouldn’t be going to hotels in the first place. Chicks would be like, "Jesus Christ, I’m getting a mac-10, an AR-11, a mossburg AND a snub-nose .38!" All on some spring-loaded elbow-holster Taxi Driver shit.

ABOUT THE DESIGN AND LAYOUT – NOT JUST OF EGG BUT MOST JAPANESE MAGAZINES.

Insanely small type! Superimposed on a 4-color photo! Colored-type-on-colored-background is hard to read, so the Japanese solution is. . . to give the letters an even-tinier drop shadow. . .in yet another color! They always use 2 headlines – which both say the same exact thing. The first headline says it in a more strident, less coherent way, and the second headline repeats the same message with a few bits of context. The actual body text should occupy about half the space taken up by headlines.

Japanese magazines have an iron rule: quantity over quality! Make the employees work 60-hour weeks writing 200 words when 20 would do – especially if they can say the same thing over and over again! The final goal is to have so many words on the page that the type gets to be 6 points in size. And the pictures have to be shrunk to microscopic size – never put one big, satisfying picture when you can print 7 or 8 tiny ones, surrounded by clouds of redundant text. Never write 3 good , in-depth features when you can make all your employees stay until 10 pm cranking out 20 dumb stories.

This is just another reason why learning Japanese is hard – even if you learn the fucked up grammar and the 2,000 Kanji AND all the regional idioms and figures of speech – you still have to deal with microscopic, multicolored type and reading material that is 90% useless filler. I guess that’s largely true of ANY language – after you spend the time learning it, your reward is that you find out that most of the shit you wanted to read is just as stupid as the stuff in your native language.

I think this somehow ties in to the fact that Japan has a million bookstores, but no one has an opinion on science or politics. I used to think – before I came here – that places with hella bookstores would foster a culture where no one was ignorant, where spirited debates would go down on streetcorners and coffee-houses. Japan is proof that loving to read and being knowledgeable and aware of the world around you are totally unconnected. Break it down more! OK- I think Japanese read books the same way as Americans watch tv – sort of something in the background that you forget as soon as you stop. Something to keep you from looking at your neighbor accidentally on the train.

3 Comments so far

Sarah April 19th, 2009
11:47 pm

That was very interesting and I’d love to read more translations of Japanese magazine articles. I hope you’ll do more! I know what hard work it is to become proficient enough in a language to do a smooth, colloquial translation like this, so well done you!

admin April 23rd, 2009
5:12 am

Thanks! I am trying to translate some stuff now, which I will post next week.

EnergeticCrab April 27th, 2012
12:53 pm

Love the site, but telling a woman not to drink to avoid date rape is sort of ridiculous.
"Probably because, "Don’t drink" is too short to be a magazine article. That’s another weird thing about this article – it makes no mention about alcohol, drugs,"
I think that's because women are still raped even if they are sober. Women get raped no matter what they are doing, what they're wearing, where they are, or who they are with. Many times even in their own home. In most cases the perpetrators of rape are often the ones intoxicated. I am trying to find better statistics, but most of the rape statistics for Japan are from prison studies or are under-reported.