The Best Cars for Expressing Your Deep-Seated Feminist Rage

Chevrolet Chevelle (we think)Featured in “Hold Up” by Beyoncé

Is your multi-platinum rap superstar husband cheating on you with all the good-haired Beckys? Oh hell no, girl – put on your best frilly couture, grab a Louisville Slugger, and release your inner diva on an avenue’s worth of cars – starting with whatever this vintage looker is (someone’s probably been working on maintaining it, right?), perfect for transforming your vengeance-soaked rampage into an HBO event.

Dodge Ram 1500Featured in “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood

Can we just be real a sec? #YesAllMen. That’s why you need to do like Carrie Underwood by way of George Dubya and launch a preemptive strike on your man’s cherry red Dodge Ram 1500. Hey, it’s 2016 – us ladies get to make the first move!

So maybe your lover didn’t wrong you. Maybe a creepy paparazzo just snapped a few photos without your permission. Do you really need to justify your anger with a reason? So shave your head, grab an umbrella, and release the female beast on an early 2000s SUV. Who knows? You may end up with your own Vegas stage show! #ItsBritney #NoHairDon’tCare

Ford ThunderbirdFeatured in Thelma & Louise

We’ve all been there: you head out on a weekend roadtrip with your best gal pal and suddenly you’re wanted for murder. So what if you did it? This land of would-be rapists, thieving drifters, and sleazy truckers had it coming, anyway. When the Patriarchy ultimately surrounds you with its (all-male) police force looking to charge you with a DWV (Driving With Vagina), show ‘em they’re not entitled to your bodies by driving you and your gal Friday off the Grand Canyon in your classic 1966 Ford T-Bird convertible. Which is basically like plunging into Mother Earth’s vagina, if you think about it, so really you’re just returning to the womb. How’s that for a statement, Officer Rape Culture?

Chevrolet NovaFeatured on the Tom Snyder Show with special guest Wendy O. Williams

Punk’s not dead, but damned if its queen didn’t do her best to destroy it. In 1981, one-woman demolition derby Wendy O. Williams was asked on the Tom Snyder Show to play her hit song “Masterplan” – and instead, gave a masterclass on how to dismantle that ultimate symbol of masculinity, the Detroit muscle car (specifically a Chevy Nova).

All we have to say is boo hoo, boys – now you know what a real mean machine looks like!

Plymouth GTXFeatured in “B*tch Better Have My Money” by Rihanna

What happens when you’re a boss bitch who can’t afford see-through tops cuz your accountant spent all your money? Are you not supposed to #FreeTheNip in style? What is this, Victorian England?

Show that cismale scum who the real @badgirlriri is by kidnapping his Hamptons wife in a treasure chest and loading her in the back of your luxury 1968 Plymouth GTX drop top. Cuz hey – when you and your crew are gearing up for a weekend of revenge-fueled fun and torture, you want to do it in style AND comfort. Just be sure when you wind up naked and covered in blood that you cover your seats in cash before dripping all over the custom interior.

Ford LTD Crown VictoriaFeatured in Fried Green Tomatoes

Guess what? Old is the new black. That means when two permed-up 90s bimbos who are “younger and faster” steal your parking space, you’re not about to let them get away with it. (Ugh, you just know they’re the type to say they’re #NotAFeminist to impress guys, too). Show them who’s “older and has more insurance” in your ‘83 Crown Vic by smashing daddy’s punchbuggy out of your spot. That’ll show those sell-outs what they get for not supporting Hillary!

It’s a cruel fact of Patriarchy that women have to work twice as hard to achieve half the results. You win an Olympic gold medal, appear on a Wheaties box, and transition at age 65, yet the haters still just want to tear you down. Show them how stunning and brave you are by slamming your jet black ‘Lade into the back of a Lexus and sending it straight into oncoming traffic. Because a true woman never lets anyone else dictate when she should put the brakes on in her life.

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