Horror's Not Dead

THE DESCENT: PART 2 – I’m just going to assume this is going to end up in theaters. A lot of people are shitting on this trailer, but I dig the idea of having her go back down in the caves, which is surprising considering I still hate that stupid movie.

DEADMAN – Guillermo Del Toro will be producing for Warner Brothers an adaptation of the DC Comics series Deadman about the vengeful ghost of a slain trapeze artist. Someone named Nikolaj Arcel to direct.

LAKE MUNGO – After Dark films announces Australia’s LAKE MUNGO will be it’s third title for January’s Horrorfest. It joins THE GRAVES (shitty poster here) and Clive Barker’s DREAD.

DREAM HOUSE – Daniel Craig is the next big name actor to relocate his family to a house in the countryside that was previously, but unbeknown to the new owners, host to all kinds of cheerful murders. Get a new fucking storyline, Hollywood.

VANISHING ON SEVENTH STREET – Hayden Christensen is heading towards Brad Anderson’s return to horror by way of a ghost town that specializes in making, well, more ghosts.

BURKE AND HARE – Simon Pegg joins John Landis’ return to feature length horror, a “true-story” period piece about men who sell the dead to universities.

Remakes

SWAMP THING – I suppose this might not technically count as a remake of the previous film(s), but Joel Silver wants to bring back Swamp Thing. And it being 2009, he of course would like to do that in 3D.

THE BLOB – Rob Zombie will be remaking THE BLOB, though he’s sick and tired of that stupid, big, red, blobby thing killing people. He’ll just leave that part out.

Indie, Foreign and Random News

SPAWN – Not a lot of solid facts here, but according to Todd McFarlane’s Twitter feed, SPAWN will be returning to the world of TV animation.

PHANTASM V? – Seems there is a new PHANTASM project on the horizon, but there are no solid details as to what that means.

STAN HELSING – Because we all need non-theatrical SCARY MOVIE wannabes in our life, STAN HELSING comes out October 27th.

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN – The GRINDHOUSE competition winning fake trailer HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN, from the gents behind TREEVENGE, is going feature length.

Last Week in Horror was some kind of post-ComicCon orgy of news. Either this was all left over from the con and took a week to rise to the top or PR folk knew their news wasn’t big enough to rock a convention and thus waited a week. Whatever the case, I feel like this post took longer to gather than most.

Xingu Films announced AMERICAN REAPER, which is a sci-fi film whose concept I love. John Carpenter got a non-horror directing gig, which is the best thing for him these days, if you ask me. Which you did. Some GHOSTBUSTERS rumors. Two people who yet to impress me may muck up my beloved Alexandre Aja remake of PIRANHA. Lionsgate is fielding all kinds of heat in the fallout of their guided MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN release debacle.

Is it fair to say that John Landis has fallen from grace? Judging from his episode of “FEAR ITSELF”, yes. Yes. Far, far from grace. Eons from grace. Fallen through time, through space, to some twilit zone where Landis is a sleep walking, brain dead, unoriginal, talentless know nothing who isn’t even worthy of helming an episode of “RED SHOE DIARIES”.

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH is 42 minutes of the most creatively bankrupt television possible. I wish that was an exaggeration, but it isn’t. It is worthless in every sense of the word. I can’t believe I’m still writing about it and I’m only a handful of sentences into the review. I badly want to escape the memory of this draining wound filled with dialog of an epic staleness.

I just heard two distant thumps on the opposite side of my pitch black house. Those two thumps, which I’m sure my cats were responsible for, were scarier than anything in this rotten cow patty. Actually, you know what, I hope it wasn’t my cats. I hope it was a person who grabbed my axe from downstairs. I hope it was a ghost. I, a soul deathly afraid of aliens, hope it was E.T. incarnate come to take me away to an eternal hell of probing. I hope whatever caused those two distant thumps rushes in this room and causes me such trauma I forget IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH ever stole every ounce of respect I once had for John Landis.

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