Taxidermist Kendall's LA Hometown

Taxidermist has somehow managed to make it to Hometowns without having a One-on-One. So she's literally introducing him to her family without being alone with him on a date! Great! Where will she take Eerie for her daytime-hometown in the cultural mecca of Los Angeles? A place of taxidermy. POST-WEINSTEIN, we're still portraying women on this show as one-dimensional and we have to re-hit the same joke over and over. She's the quirky one. Taxidermist explains that they're going to taxidermy rats.

It's like Build-a-Bear except we killed real bears, ripped out their bones and guts, and get to re-stuff their limp skin sacks and then pose them as husband and wife!!!

Kendall tells Eerie she got into this because she'd find dead animals on hikes and want to preserve them. Normal hike stuff. They then make their rat corpses make out.

Foreplay for serial killers

Eerie meets Kendall's family...Kendall has an IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER NAMED KYLIE?!?!?!?!? I never stop reacting to this. She also has a brother named Colton who is kind of hot.

Taxidermist told Eerie that Kylie is super into reading energies and she's right. Kylie: "My fear for Kendall is that she'd lie to herself and jump into a relationship without actually having the base to really feel out everything." Kendall reassures her by telling her that her reaction to Eerie saying he was falling for her was to shut him up with a kiss. The fact that she can tell Eerie is a drip makes me love her and want her to be next Bachelorette.

Taxidermist's Dad asks Eerie if this is "something that's real?" then says BACHELOR IT'S 2018 and blessings are up to Kendall. But only the first part. Taxidermist follows Kylie's advice to lay it all on the table and tells Eerie she's falling for him.

Tattler Tia's Weiner, Arkansas Hometown

The titles person was so distracted by the name of Tia's hometown that they put Alaska's initials instead of Arkansas.

Tattler Tia takes Eerie racing cars in order to keep him so much in his comfort zone he'll forget that she doesn't resemble his mother physically as much as the other women. At least the hitting the one-note car-racing over and over extends to Eerie as well as the women.​

Get it cos your lives are one big cartoon to be exploited for this show?

Tattler Tia's brother pulls Eerie and asks him if all the internet rumors are true that Eerie is a huge player and a "Kissing Bandit". Eerie tells him he's done with all the loose fucking, that's not who he is now, and that he's ready to find a wife.

So what's a poor-man's Vin Diesel gotta do to get into this "Bandit" biz?

Eerie describes what he likes about Tia to her Dad as a "strong Southern woman who puts me in my place." It's like an alien put itself in a taxidermied 40-year-old skin suit and tries to say a sentence like someone with emotions about people would say.

​Tia's Dad is also active on the same internet forums as his son and asks Eerie if he's a "playboy." Eerie points out that he might not realize that dating 25 women at once is "stressful." As EVERY SINGLE HOMETOWN, they advertise the Dad being tough but Tia's Dad quickly gives the blessing. Tia's Dad jokes: "If you hurt her, I can find you on Google." They have no chemistry but Tattler Tia tells Eerie that she's in love with him again, just as she did on their first date.

Becca K's Minneapolis Hometown

Becca takes Eerie to apple-pick where she and her friends annually take Instagram pictures to show they live in a place with fall. I still think she wins. LB has baggage. Tia Tattled. Kendall hates him.

Eerie meets Becca's family...Becca tells Eerie that her Pastor Uncle Gary has been her second father after her Dad passed away when she was 19. Pastor Uncle Gary asks if Eerie will support Becca's religiousness. Eerie says yes and Pastor Uncle Gary is satisfied.

If your guard dog let in everyone who said they went to Church.

Becca tries to convince Mama K that this is real.

Eerie feeds Mama K some bullshit stock line of his parents "choosing each other every day" and she warms to him. He asks for the blessing and she's again like, if Becca deems you worthy, fine. THIS IS YOUR THIRD ONE EERIE. DON'T YOU AND THIS SHOW GET THAT BLESSINGS ARE A REMNANT OF A PAST WHEN FATHERS WOULD TRADE THEIR DAUGHTERS FOR SHIT LIKE GOATS AND ORE??!?! Eerie: "I LOVE THAT!" FUCKKKKKK UUUUUU!!!!!!!! Then he tells Becca he got her blessing even though he really didn't...

LB's Virginia Hometown

Goddamnit why do we have to do this. Someone wanted to marry her? Ugh. Eerie rides horses through the water with LB. They have Pillow Time at the top of a lighthouse. Before they meet Eerie, LB's family discuss the situation and wonder if "Arie realizes how conservative our family is." EVEN BETTER.

Eerie meets LB's family...They sit LB and Eerie very far from the family and Eerie describes it as "tense... on a scale of 1 to having a complete meltdown, I'm at about an 8." They make him tell LB she's beautiful in Dutch but no one reacts.

LB's Dad: "Have you ever known anybody in a military family before?" Eerie: "No!" LB's Dad: "Do you play golf?" Eerie: "No." Eerie steps out from the dinner POURING SWEAT. Jesus Christ is he going to pick her?

Why didn't you say you knew just ONE military person or golfed casually?! WHYYYY

Eerie wins him back with a story of him and his racecar friends going to Iraq to hang out with soldiers. LB's Mom is also won over, "I trust Lauren."

LB tries to assuage her Mom's reservations by telling her that they can read each other's thoughts just by looking at each other.

You don't understand, Mom. I look in his eyes and I SEE what he thinks: cars... excitement... pizza... cars... Only true soul mates have that.

​She tells her that Eerie said he was falling in love with her and that he never would have said that if he said it "to other people." LB's Mom: "I hope it's real." How can it POSSIBLY be real?

Rose Ceremony

Eerie flies back to LA and faces his Top Four. He immediately crumbles and leaves the room. When he finally gets his shit together, he pulls Kendall. Tattler Tia thinks the three remaining make the most sense for a Top Three.

What's he doing having a side-chat with the fourth place chick?

Eerie basically tells Taxidermist that he's going to pick someone else he doesn't like as much unless she says she'll get engaged: "If you stay, someone else goes who's very ready to get married." Taxidermist Kendall doesn't give in but also says she doesn't want to break up. This is enough for Eerie to feel satisfied with keeping her for Fantasy Suites.

ROSES for Becca, LB, and TAXIDERMIST! Tattler Tia is heartbroken and asks Eerie what she did wrong and why she's not good enough and now I'm heartbroken. HE FUCKING SUCKS GIRL!!!! Eerie tells her "there's just something missing... not about your worth." It's not about your worth. You just don't look like my Mom like, AT ALL.

That feeling when he'd rather be stuffing rat carcasses with someone else than be racing cars with you.

Lord Harrison welcomes the women to Tuscany. He gives them the numbers breakdown for the week so they're the correct amount of stressed for each date. He's really sleeping through this speech though: "Great dates... Fun... Arie... No pressure."

No pressure. Here's some innocuous information. I'm just going to trap you in a hotel room now with nothing to do but rose math to see who gets to have Eerie meet your family and never have to have a career beyond Instagram ever again.

Tinkerbex does calculations this whole ep: “It’s almost half of us going home.”

Becca’s One-on-One

Eerie painfully attempts Italian words throughout this episode. "Casually" leaning against a car, he yells at her: “Ciao, bella!”

Ciao creep.

Eerie: “Andiamo which means let’s go!”Becca: “[Traveling with Eerie] is just telling of real life… I went to San Diego with my ex once and that was about it."

The only time I've ever travelled before is to San Diego… So adventuring around Tuscany is TOTALLY a taste of real life.

Becca: “Never question my feelings for you… I wouldn’t be here.. to be able to open up to you and get to that point.”Eerie: “I like that.” Pillow Time. Watching Eerie’s hand graze Becca’s arm sends shivers down my spine.

Back at the Hotel…Jacqueline's having "swirling" doubts and can’t picture Eerie having conversations with her parents.

Back on the Date…Becca tells Eerie whom he’ll meet in her family who will ask him hard questions. Eerie: “They want honest answers. I love that.” HE SAYS I LOVE THAT ABOUT EVERYTHING I HATE THAT. How can she be into him?Becca: “I can see a future.”

Jacqueline’s Knock KnockJacqueline goes to Eerie's room. Eerie: “You’re shaking. Are you OK?” Jacqueline: “I’m going to have a sip of your wine.” Eerie: “What’s going on? Am I going to have to drink more wine?”​Jacqueline: “I had this moment of doubt on our date. I wasn’t ready to listen to it at the time… There have been these swirling doubts since then.”Eerie: “You understand it doesn’t have to happen right away right?”Jacqueline: “There are women here who are completely confident. I don’t know how to stay when that’s the case. I’m sorry... I’m also just outrageously attracted to you.” Pillow Time. Mixed messages Jacqueline. Jacqueline strokes his thigh then cries into his chest. What is she doing??

Eerie: “If you have any regret you come back to me.” Then she leaves.

If (when) this doesn’t work come find me.

Jacqueline sits on the floor crying. Jacqueline: “He’s so unbelievably lovable. Hi Arie you’re perfect in every way and yet I still don’t think I can marry you. OK. See ya... I think I suck at being happy.” I think you’re trusting your gut that this dude suuuuuuuucks.

LB’s One-in-OneLB’s so boring jesus christ. She says a bunch of words. Eerie does the coolest bike trick he knows.

THIS IS 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LB re: setting: "It’s very Italian." Eerie: "Yeah." The fact that these conversations made the cut means they somehow filmed scenes that were even MORE boring. Eerie: “Pizza in Italy, check!”

One of Eerie's two three-favorite-things besides Excitement.

Back at the Hotel…The women discuss the possibility that the connection has to be mutual with Eerie as if it's a huge revelation. Becca: “We have to give those feelings back to him.”

Wait, did you guys realize we can say no?

Tinkerbex continues to math: “1/3 of us are going to go home.” ​

Another fun fact: I'm also 3/5 of Eerie's age!

Back on the Date…LB: “I want to toast to breaking down our walls.”

​If anyone said any of this shit on an actual date I'd break the glass and stab myself.

LB: “I feel like I’m starting to fall in love with you... “You seem like you have something to say about that.” Eerie: “I need to be right back.” Eerie LEAVES THE FUCKING TABLE.

BRB I NEED TO JERK OFF TO FINALLY BREAKING YOU DOWN EMOTIONALLY.

Eerie: "I’m sorry about that." He’s not even going to say why he left? Eerie: “I really do see something between us… So with that, Lauren will you accept this rose?” LB: “Absofrickinlutely.”​LB: "Arie told me he’s falling deeply in love with me." Did he? Ugh, just realized we're going to have to watch an LB hometown.

Seinne On-on-OneEerie: "I have to really feel those emotions with Seinne." COOL. Daww there’s cute truffle puppies. It sounds like this Italian truffle man keeps yelling MAGA! Eerie, the COMPLETE LACKEY HE IS, does a truffle digging metaphor: “I do dig Seinne. But can I dig deep enough?”

Seinne has to do a pre-hometown date with a random Italian family. Eerie: “I used to work at a pizza place.”

But instead of making the dough fresh we would microwave it and piss in it.

Tinkerbex to Tia: “At times I have been like I want to go home." Tia's confessional: “I feel like it is my duty to let him know… I’m looking out for Arie.”Tattle Tia to Eerie: “I feel like she may be on a different page than the rest of us.” Eerie: “I wouldn’t really harp on that too much.”

Tia tells Tinkerbex that she raised her doubts with Eerie. Tinkerbex starts crying.

Tinkerbex: “I don’t like when I’m not seen for who I really am... I feel like I just got kicked in the stomach.” Eerie takes some deep Krystal breaths with her and asks if her parents will care about the age difference. Tinkerbex tries to prove her maturity with her white hairs. Eerie gives Kendall the first rose and puts her in a limo. Now it’s a Two-on-One. Colorful Narrator/Tattler Tia: “Whoa Nelly.”​

Eerie is paralyzed by her getting him to picture their Fantasy Suite and can't speak English: “So much of this is trying to be logic, you know?”​Tinkerbex: “It’s going to feel magical to get the rose. Ugh!” ​

Eerie’s contouring is out of control. Wowwww he sends Tinkerbex home! Tia throws her head back in relief to be done with this step of the torture marathon. Tia: "Arie’s coming to Arkansas!" Tinkerbex graciously leaves: “It’s going to end well for you. I know it is.” Tinkerbex cries in the limo: "It’s hard for me to accept that this journey is over." It's hard for me too.