We Get A Dude To Rank All The Guys From The Bachelorette

By Daniel Colasimone - 21 Sep 2015

The third season of The Bachelor Australia is all wrapped up, so now the juicy stuff can start.

Maybe it’s because the douchieness of this year’s Bachelor, Sam, is nowhere near as douchie as the last douchelord, Blake (though Sam is quite clearly also a douche), but season three has hardly captured the imagination. There have certainly been fewer outraged Mamamia columns written about it this year, which is always a sign you aren’t pressing the right buttons.

No, I’m hitching my wagon to The Spinster, and plan to watch at least three episodes. Oh, it’s called The Bachelorette? That’s not a real word, but OK.

The "Bachelorette" features bubbly babe Sam who you might remember as douchelord Blake’s primary victim, and having a great booty.

As a Bachelorette expert who has seen a photo of all the guys and is about to read their 100-word bios on the Channel Ten website, I am going to rate each one’s chances of becoming Sam and her booty’s soulmate.

The Potentials

Alex:Despite his obvious flaws of a half-ranga beard and baldness, this strapping financial consultant from New South Wales seems to have a lot going for him. Judging by how deeply I despise him already, I’d say he’s probably going to win.

Dave: Nice name Dave. Oh, you’re a plumber with a face like a Tupperware container. Nope.

Davey: Another one? Davey the carpenter has more of a shot than the last bloke. I can see they are building him up as the ‘funny guy’ so he will make it to the final weeks but has no chance of actually winning.

David: FFS how many Daves are there?? This toolbag describes himself as an international model. Sam is way too sassy to fall for your bag of wank, mate. You hear me, Sam? No!

Drew: Occupation Sleep Technician. So … unemployed? Mate, you are making a mockery of this whole process and disrespecting Sam’s dream of finding love on television. Please leave immediately.

Kayne: Kanye?? Oh, no, just Kayne. He’s a mining technician and looks like a bit of a soggy blanket. He also has no idea how to wear a suit. Sam needs more than this. One of the first to go.

Kieren: This dude immediately irritates me almost as much as Alex, so he is probably a strong contender too. He’s an exercise physiologist (??), described as a Ryan Gosling lookalike and is standing furthest forward in the group photo. Definitely among the favourites.

Luke: Old mate’s veins are popping out of his forehead in the publicity shot! Jaysus, he needs to take it down a notch, and I haven’t even heard him speak yet. Luke’s biggest fear is being called “boring”. His best assets are his “passion and intensity”. I think I hate this guy the most. Stay away from Sam!

Michael: Oh this chap’s fairly dapper. And he’s a professional footballer. Wait up, is that Michael Turnbull the goalkeeper?? Hope he’s better at winning hearts than stopping goals. Sorry, that was the best goalkeeping joke I could come up with at short notice.

Richie: Occupation Rope Access Technician. WTF does that mean?? How can such a small selection of guys have so many bullshit made-up job descriptions? Alright, I’ll admit he’s a handsome bastard, but “after experiencing the highs and lows of love in previous relationships” rings alarm bells. Richie is a handsome bastard with issues, I’ll bet.

Sasha: Oh you have a girl’s name and played rep rugby in England? Then you’re EXACTLY what Sam needs! I guess Sasha is going to be the gnarly jock of the crew. I hope Sam steers well clear but I fear she won’t.

Shane: Looks like we have a ‘quirky’ contestant. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sasha beats the shit out of him on the first day.

Tony: I can’t find much wrong with Tony to make fun of so that probably means he’s boring. Why haven’t these guys managed to find partners yet if they’re all so awesome?

Will: Token hipster and another strong candidate … to get beaten up by Sasha.

Image credit: Network Ten

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By Daniel Colasimone

You think darkness is your ally? Dan was born in it, moulded by it. He didn’t see the light until he was already a man. Raised on the mean streets of Bundaberg, he has ended up in Brisbane by way of Italy, South Korea, Argentina and a few other places. When not covering sportsy stuff for the ABC, he writes a fortnightly column for The Urban List on the world of man stuff. Twitter: @DanColasimone