Whilst on one of my frequent AOL journeys, I came upon a
wonderful page called "Straight
Paths Ministries".Please don't click the link yet, you
haven't read the rest of my damn page. I have taken the liberty
of copying and pasting interesting snippets from SPM, which you
can see in red font. Please note I did not make any of this up.
However, everything in black is my comments, I use them with
gusto throughout. And please don't bitch to me about me being so
anti-everything, I'm just anti-retarded web pages by psycho
religious zealots. Have fun, and remember, take care of
yourself... and each other.

Basically, the gist of the page is that you can go from
homosexual to heterosexual by accepting Christ... what a great
deal! Not only that, but Christ can also rid you of other
perversions, such as: "pornography,
masturbation, same-gender attraction, homosexuality, survivor of
incest or molestation, phone sex, "S&M", the
internet, anonymous sex". I'm not quite sure what
religion I am, but damn, if Jesus can make me no longer addicted
to AOL, I'm there! I'm not quite sure what the difference is
between "same-gender attraction"
and "homosexuality" is, but it must be there...
fanatical Christians don't make mistakes.

Further down this lovely page one can see that they
are a proud member of a Web ring called the "Gay Change." Other
sites found on the ring have scintillating titles such as
"The Way Out" and "Homosexuals Anonymous Fellowship
Services" where a member can talk to
"men and women who help each other live in freedom
from homosexuality". "Hi, my name's Cody, I
haven't had sex with a man for over two months."

This
amazing use of Paint Shop Pro was done by sixth grader
Billy Smith, as his father, Rev. Rosco Smith, was too
busy brewing moonshine at his house in the deep south.

Back to the actual page. I was curious about how I could go about
joining the ministries, so I decided to look at the Frequently
Asked Questions (FAQ). This had plenty of helpful questions I was
yearning to have answered, such as "Is
masturbation sinful?" and "Do
I need to attend a support group?" Yes, that's right
folks, beating it off in the shower just put you on the same
level as alcoholics. Damn, it sure is tough being homo in the
90's. Good thing I found Christ in time.

A
photo of Andre. Note his eyes, as they stare deep into
your soul, hoping to drive out the homosexual goblins
living within.

Once again, I return to the main page in search of
more comedic fodder. And look... a testimony by a former
homosexual, André Epstein. His sad story is summarized
in the opening line, "Even
after dozens of gay relationships, I still had not found
a man who satisfied my deepest needs. Would I ever find
fulfillment in homosexuality?" We're talking
made-for-TV-movie on the PAX channel here. It says Andre
always felt different as a child. He grew up Jewish in a
Christian area. Oh no, we're not bashing Jews on this
page, we're too busy making fun of queers. He tells us "I always liked playing house with
the little girls. In kindergarten I refused to wear the
painting aprons because they were dirty. My mother told
the teacher, 'Give him a clean one and he will paint.'
And I did." I'm not too sure whatever the
hell that's supposed to mean, but I'm betting Christ will
explain it to me when he comes to my Anti-Homo barbecue
next weekend.

We learn about Andre's sad youth. He tells us "I was not good at sports, so I was always
picked last." Oh yeah, he has all the makings of a
grade-A homosexual. He sucks at sports. And he didn't like to
wear dirty aprons. His father worked six days a week, eventually
got divorced, and died of cancer. Come on guys, you can't really
blame poor Andre for going all queen-like on us!

Andre bares all for us (No pun intended) in the next paragraph. "Once I stripped in front of a group of
boys." Dude, if you're striping in front of people
when you're in Junior High, I think you have some problems bigger
than just being gay. However, he didn't get in trouble after the
boys told on him. His mother explained that "Andre
doesn't lie." At this point, Andre "realized that day that I could manipulate
and wiggle my way out if I ever got into trouble again with my
sexual behavior." Nice choice of words,
"wiggle" and "manipulate" would not exactly
be on my list of verbs in an anti-homosexual testimony.

The little rebel recounts of his adventures at Bible camp. "I read my Bible, but skipped over verses in
Romans or Corinthians that spoke negatively about
homosexuality." Way to be, Andre!

At heart, Andre just wants to be normal. He was made fun of at
school. But, he could not stop his sexual deviancy. "My needs had become sexualized, which led
to my entrapment in a false identity." Is this guy
poetic or what? We should have his work put in the Anthology!

His parents accepted him when he came out of the closet at 17. He
was a good student. However, "Little
did they know the real me: smoking pot, masturbating daily (or
more often), using pornography, and experimenting with
perversions of various kinds." Apparently drug use
equates banging your crotch against some guys ass. Do you know
how many closet gays we have at our school?

After college Andre went into teaching. He frequented "gay bars and baths" after
school ended. He was quite the player. "I
had made over two hundred attempts, but I had still not found
"Mr.Right." Wow, if I could get half that many
women, I would be set for life.

Enter sister. She invites Andre to her church. He says to the
minister, "I'm gay, but I want to
change" "Sure thing, Andre, just fill out these
forms and we'll have you sleeping with the opposite gender within
five working days." The next part is just utterly stupid.
Since God entered his heart and started stirring some hetero
feelings inside of him, Andre "gave up
the illegal drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, pornography, rock music, and going to bars and other gay pick-up
places." Yes, the incredible Christ will even rid
your mind of the sinful Def Leppard and Third Eye Blind music
rattling around in your skull. Maybe even Motley Crue. Maybe.

Eventually he married a woman who was friendly and
because her "chocolate dessert
was dynamite!" Yes, the man who was not happy
with over 200 gay men goes and marries the first woman he
meets simply because she makes a good dessert. I must
say, I'm glad he turned straight, now we can have Andre's
incredible, logical mental skills added to the gene pool.
Andre also mentions Romans 9:13. I checked the Bible, the
quote is "And He came down from the heavens and
smited those whom stuck male genitalia in any improper
orifice. And He let forth with a mighty guffaw, as He
proceded to beat thine homo ass down with an Annointed
Baseball Bat"

Andre
et al, celebrating his heterosexuality with his wife. Not
shown: a delicious chocolate dessert.

Now Andre works as, get this, the director of Straight Path
Ministries. So remember kids, even gays can grow up to bash gays.
Let's hear it for the US of A!