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As promised the week prior, the KevLita baby shower was tacky, self-indulgent, and had very little to do with an actual baby. But hey, it had a red carpet so I imagine most of the attendees didn’t mind. Kevin Hart and Selita Ebanks’s shower was also a relentless infomercial. The corporate sugar daddies were the honored guests and the distributors of the KevLita baby-orientated products – KevLita baby food and KevLita baby bonds, respectively – were their plus-ones. The way Kevin hawked that stuff and stressed the importance of only opening up the gifts from sponsors was reminiscent of Star Jones’s behavior on The View when she was due to marry Al Reynolds.

Not everyone shared Kevin’s excitement, though. Kevin was none too thrilled about Nelly, J.B. Smoove, and Boris Kodjoe each opting not to wear the suits provided by one of the shower’s sponsors, Armani. Kevin should consider himself lucky that the men even showed up. I only go to baby showers if there’s alcohol provided and I’m guaranteed that I don’t have to play any baby games not centered on drinking or eating dessert.

As for the other honored guests – Tisha Campbell Martin, Kevin’s ex-wife Bridgette, Kevin’s ex-boo Nadine Velazquez, and Eva Marcille – they were a little more jovial about the celebration as contractually obligated. Nicole Ari Parker was unable to attend owing to an impromptu hospital stay. Tisha got back at Nicole for exploiting her shellfish allergy by toying with her nut allergy via an almond-butter-cookie bouquet.

Nicole sent her regards to Tisha via the following statement: “I swear fo’ God Imma fuck you up.”

Such sabotage restored Tisha’s hosting duties as she along with Mr. Eloquence, who should’ve just been called Mr. Big Gay Stereotype, led the group activities. This included a bunch of sexually suggestive baby games (“Man in the hole” and “Grab some, get some”) that I suppose were a tribute to the child-creating process.

Then came a little dancing. Selita hopped on the dance floor and started twerking something while shouting, “LOOK BACK AT IT. LOOK BACK AT IT.” If you’re unfamiliar, that’s the title of one of my all-time favorite songs from rapper Trina. Instead of following Selita’s instructions, Kevin wanted to act all “concerned” about a pregnant woman daring to body roll in her last trimester. What a bore. I mean, he acted as if he’s never seen a pregnant woman at the club before. I’ve spotted plenty and so long as they stay away from the bar and the smoking section outside, everything is usually fine.

Since Kevin didn’t want to dance, Selita scurried away. Nadine swooped in right after, whispered sweet nothings into Kevin’s ear and the two of them quietly went away into a room. Kevin thought he’d be doing the nasty, but instead Nadine was trying to recruit him for the Church of Scientology.

Thankfully, Kevin’s ex-wife is a nosy somebody because she kicked in the door, ready to wave the 44, only she noticed Nadine was on her knees for a different reason. Kevin needed saving all the same, so Bridgette snatched him from the jaws of Tom Cruise’s brand of crazy (just kidding, Xenu) and kept Nadine at bay.

Bridgette made her warning clear: “We gon’ get out of here and if you follow us, I’mma have seven Jehovah’s Witnesses at your doorstep by 4 a.m. I put that on Kwanzaa, don’t you try me.”

Ultimately, the guest of honor, Erykah Badu made her way in. Selita wanted her to sing a song, but that wasn’t in the shower’s budget. Since Badu doubles as a doula, Selita got a “reading” of her babies. Not the snarky kind the gays do, but some sort of bippity-boppity-boo-style reading that sounds more appropriate for Jessica Lange and FX.

Before Badu got to channel her inner Dionne Warwick psychic friend, she told Selita, “Mother Earth is so pleased with your creation.” See, even though this is all in jest, that sounds like something Erykah Badu would tweet around 3:04 a.m. and only to follow up with, “They sleep, we grind.” The same goes for Badu declaring, “Mercury is just out of retrograde, it’s the best day.”

Once the reading got under way, Badu said a bunch of nothing. The babies were “short and strong like their daddy,” and have “really strong auras,” though she did get a little specific when she said one of the babies would have a mocha chocalata ya ya, while the other would be what many of us blacks would refer to as a “redbone.”

Duane Martin thought Badu was just as big a scam artist as he and Selita were, but after the coast was clear, Badu told Kevin during his own private reading, “You are not the father. Nobody’s having your babies.” Making it even plainer, Ms. Badu said, “Kevin, I didn’t want to embarrass you in front of everybody, but she’s not pregnant.”

I wish Erykah Badu had ripped the pads rights from under Selita Ebanks’s stomach and smacked her upside the head with them. Well, in a playful manner as violence is never the answer – at least, not on this show. Either way, Selita would’ve deserved it given she faked a pregnancy and subjected everyone to the overindulgent mess that was this extravaganza. But Badu is more peace-and-love than Love & Hip Hop, which means we’ll have to wait for next week’s finale for the big reveal.

That said, can someone explain to me how come after The Cider House Rules and Blues Brothers 2000, Erykah Badu said to hell with acting up until last night?

Other notes:

Kevin Hart calling model and celebrity correspondent Roshumba Williams everything but her name – i.e. Rwanda and Robitussin. The show might’ve been taped months prior, but it was perfect timing given Brandi Glanville was being a total jackass and messing up Joyce’s name on this week’s edition of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Selita Ebanks told Nick Cannon: Remember when we broke up and I said I wish you would die. Yeah, I’m glad you didn’t.” I’ve said this before. I feel you, Selita.