October 2019

One of the most popular topics that clients want to tackle is how to navigate difficult conversations in their organization. Whether it’s equipping managers to have more effective performance reviews with their teams, teaching employees how to bravely ask one another for feedback, or helping senior leaders elevate their impact in negotiations, difficult conversations are difficult because they open up Pandora’s box of mental chatter. Will they still like me? Is it OK to say that? What if I get fired? How can I say it in a way that doesn’t upset him? How do other managers learn how to do this? Am I the only one who hates these conversations? Where has all my confidence gone? And so on…

I’d like to ease your stress in how you approach difficult conversations (or any important conversation for that matter). It all boils down to one secret ingredient: TIME.

Difficult conversations only become difficult when time creeps in. Let me repeat – conversations only attract the adjective “difficult” when time has elapsed. For example, if something that a colleague said yesterday bothered you all night, I promise that it’s better to talk with your colleague today rather than wait a week or one month from now or next time he violates your trust or – worse – never. Time calcifies the distance between two people. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. And when you do decide to have the conversation, all sorts of resentment and judgment have made their way into your space, causing extra unease and disharmony.

Teams who truly get this go on to become exceptional teams (or colleagues or cohorts or families or friends). They are the ones who know how use time to their advantage. Say something early and often, before it gets charged. You just magically downgraded a “difficult” conversation to a simple conversation.

Some of my clients argue that they want to be thoughtful and really process what occurred with the colleague before bringing the incident up. While it’s completely fine if you need a minute (or a day), I don’t want you waiting longer than that. Time mutates thoughtfulness into rumination. Any longer than you actually need to process thoughtfully will cause the debris of the conversation to start spinning. The simple misunderstanding becomes a disagreement, the disagreement becomes an issue, and the issue becomes (sometimes unbridgeable) distance.

Time is toxic when it comes to difficult conversations, feedback conversations, or alignment conversations. I don’t mean to oversimplify your angst, but I promise that the sooner you tap your authentic bravery and claim the opportunity to hash it out, the better you are equipped to handle any conversation that comes your way. And that, my friends, is an incredible tool in your leadership belt.

A cornerstone of true connection is the ability to have difficult conversations.

Anonymous

From Theory to Action

What conversations have you been postponing or avoiding? How is your team health right now? Your relationship health? Your friendship health? While it would be nice to magically equip everyone else in knowing what’s going in your head, that’s not the road of leadership. Buckle up and do an honest inventory of which relationships at home or work need a recalibration. Rate the current authenticity and trust on a scale of 1-5. Anything less than a 4 will not do for you. You deserve better and so it’s time to create better.

Here are some easy steps to help you on your journey:

Pick the one or two relationships you plan on re-calibrating through conversation.

Formally invite re-calibration (ie. Hey, I’m concerned about something that happened last week and I really want to clear it up with you. Can we talk?).

Set a time and date to speak – the sooner, the better (obviously).

Name the beast using time as the segue (ie. I realize a week has gone by and I don’t want any more time to pass before you and I figure out what happened in that meeting.)

Express objectively (what actually happened, not your version of the story).

Express subjectively (how did what actually happened make you feel or what impact did it have on you).

Open up to dialogue (ask a great question, offer a recommendation, sit in silence while the person has a moment to respond).

This stuff isn’t easy, but it is quite simple (as all good truth is). I hope you continue to stand in your leadership integrity moment by moment and day by day. Don’t allow time to get in the way of your most powerful and present life. Let me know how it goes! (And if your company or team is really struggling with difficult conversations, email me at valia@theparadoxofleadership.com so we can get you some more formal training and support.)

So, my dog’s Instagram account has more followers than my professional Instagram account. There, I said it. I didn’t find that fact terribly troubling until I saw how concerned my husband was. “You know Henry has more followers than you, right?” Yes, of course I know – I’m Henry’s CMO. I give myself kudos for finding 184 people that happily like Henry’s photos and enjoy tracking his life alongside us. They are quite an engaged followership, if I do say so myself. If you’re interested in joining >>> @HenryintheOC.

In earnest, I’m just not a social media person. Those who know me well would tell you I’m actually quite an unsocial media person. I am private, contained, and very introverted. I like pen and paper. I prefer to talk to people in person. I don’t know the first thing about popular culture and could care less about celebrities. My day job requires a constant monitoring of others and their emotions, conflicts, needs, fears. When I’m off, I like to be completely off. The times I do engage, entire hours drift by and I look around to see life happening while I’m getting a kink in my neck and wrist by scrolling on my phone.

Beyond the physical and emotional challenges of my relationship with these mediums, I am a firm believer that if unharnessed, social media has direct and debilitating impact on people’s self-esteem and potentiality. People compare their insides to everyone else’s outside and that goes against every fiber of my being and what I stand for as a personal leadership expert. And yes, I know that I coach and speak at some of the world’s most prestigious social media brands. The ironies here don’t fail me.

Recently, this tension of finding meaning through volume, playing the game of quantity over quality has really been sitting with me. Even though my entire business has been built on word-of-mouth love, it’s time for me to evolve on a quantum scale. My vision for the impact I want to make on the world is ginormous. I crave depth for the masses. I want to do my part in raising the consciousness of the planet, one leader at a time and one organization at a time. How does one do this without fully engaging in social platforms? I suppose they don’t.

Thankfully, I continue to find pockets of light on social media – people and brands that are sparking such good in the world – creating meaningful conversations, serving their communities, sharing their passion and purpose without making others feel less-than. I applaud them and admire how they make a difference.

Through much of my own coaching and reflection, I finally get that my mission is larger than my discomfort. My message is bigger than my judgment of the medium. My desire to help is greater than my ego.

So, in the spirit of authenticity and vulnerability, I’d like to commit to you that it’s time for me to amplify my voice beyond the safety of this incredible newsletter community. I am ready to double-down on the WHY of the message and release the HOW it gets into the world. A book will be arriving soon as well as more video content, programming, and – of course – social media engagement. Thank you for listening to this vent.

Oh, and I’d be remiss to not ask: Please follow me @leadwithvalia. You can click the Instagram button at the bottom of this email. I’d like to at least get competitive with Henry’s numbers.

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.

Benjamin Franklin

From Theory to Action

My ask is selfish this week. Please share with me the type of content you’d love to see via Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube, or this newsletter. What are you craving right now? What would be most helpful as you’re making your way through your leadership journey? What is missing in your organization? What does your team need? I want to ensure that the content is curated for those who are fully committed to this work (ie. YOU!). I am a content-generating machine and happy to serve in whatever way is best for this community.And needless to say – any and all tips, ideas, recommendations, and suggestions on HOW the content makes it into the world via social media are more than welcome. Just email me: valia@leadwithvalia.com. Thank you.