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10 February, 2008

Bad Edward II Novel Covers

Recent searches which brought visitors to the blog:

which king won wars against scotland and whales and his brother: I know Edward II enjoyed aquatic hobbies, but I'd never heard that he fought a war against whales. Maybe they were easier to beat than sharks.

hanged b*tches, only without the asterisk. I worry about some people. I really do.

facts on queen isabella beginning with a: how about 'facts on Queen Isabella without using the letter 'e'? (No, I don't feel taking up either challenge.)

Now that I'm the proud owner of a scanner, here are some Bad Edward II Novel Covers. (Click on the pics to see a larger image, if you feel like inflicting them on yourself.)

Alice by Sandra Wilson (1976). You'd never guess it from the title or cover, but it's about a woman called, umm, Alice, who becomes Piers Gaveston's mistress. Yup, Piers is decidedly hetero in this one, as well as a Goddess worshipper, who resolutely refuses to put out for Edward II no matter how much the king begs him. Poor Edward manages to be both "a giant, strong and muscular" and have a "strange womanish air". Yeah, because there are just so many giant, muscular women, you can see how the confusion might arise. But having said that, the portrayal of him in the novel is pretty sympathetic overall.

Love the cover, with Piers' chest hair and the topless executioner ("Maybe if I adopt a really macho stance with my legs wide apart, no-one will notice my man-boobs!")

The She-Wolf by Pamela Bennetts (1975), featuring Queen Isabella and three cans of hairspray.

Unusually for an Edward II novel, it opens in 1325, and features Roger Mortimer and Isabella as practically insane with hatred and the need for revenge, and definitely Not Very Nice.

ABanner Red and Gold by Annelise Kamada (1980), wherein "Jehan de Mauley loved Roger Mortimer with a fever that all his cruelty could not diminish...Roger took women recklessly and abandoned them, impelled by a stronger passion - love of power."

The dirty rotter. It's the sequel to A Love So Bold, both of them pretty good romances that star Edward II, Isabella and the usual suspects, including that cad Roger Mortimer and - unusually - the earl of Arundel as a fairly major character.

Where Nobles Tread by Janet Kilbourne (1975), in which Our Heroine Nell becomes the mistress of Piers Gaveston (Piers the womaniser! Who knew?), though Piers shares Edward II's bed with as much enthusiasm as he does Nell's. Edward is much given to "drunken, rutting orgies" and Isabella calls him a 'pig' to his face, though she's not much better herself, taking lovers with wild abandon. No-one seems to notice or care. Isabella tries to seduce Our Hero William, who of course turns her down because he has far too much integrity to take advantage of the seductive little minx, while I'm shrieking 'Just shag her, for goodness' sake! She's the queen, and she's throwing herself at you! How often does anyone get a chance like that??'

It's not the cover of this one that's bad (the dress is accurate for the period, at least), more that the novel itself is splendidly awful, full of stuff like "The Gascon eyes of Piers Gaveston blazed in a drunken wrath as he swayed slightly. 'Nell,' he gritted, 'are you coming?'..."

In fact, Piers 'grits' with alarming frequency. It can't be healthy. The author has a strange allergy to the word 'said', so that the characters grit, pout, croak, hiss, huff, bawl suddenly, retort bitterly, and ooze words, but rarely 'say' anything. (To be fair, the author was only seventeen when she wrote it.)

Harlot Queen, by Hilda Lewis (1970). I assume that's meant to be the very manly Roger Mortimer there, as opposed to the very unmanly (here) Edward II. Isn't there a rule like 'thou shalt remove thy armour before thou suckest a woman's nipples'? Presumably she's kicking her leg out as an unavoidable bodily reaction to the feel of the armour, and isn't opening her mouth out of passion but to screech "Eeeek, that's freezing, you fool!" And is just me, or is Mortimer's sword sticking out of his cloak in an extremely phallic way?

Harlot Queen has been reissued recently. Personally I much prefer the crappy 1970s cover. Despite some historical inaccuracies, it's a pretty good novel, and has a lovely ending.

I'm rather of fond the hardback cover for Jean Plaidy's The Follies of the King (my sentimental favorite because it's the first Edward II novel I read). It has two overdressed, foppish-looking men staring dippily at each other. At least the artist read the text, which is more than I can say for the paperback Plaidy (a crowned man, evidently Edward II, kissing a woman, evidently Isabella).

I had to look through my collection to see if I had anything comparable. Have you seen the cover of Terry Tucket's Woman Into Wolf? Isabella is wearing pink lipstick, lots of mascara, and a very low-cut dress.

I can say from personal experience - and no, I am not going into detail! that getting jiggy with a man in full armour is not a very comfortable thing. And chain mail isnt any better either!!! I mean, ladies, they might look nice, but get anything sensitive caught between the plates and ouch! better than a cold shower. So no wonder poor Isabella is screeching! For once I think she deserves her victim status!

Gabriele is right- this is just as good as the SBTB cover snarkage. I love looking at these old covers! (Even if I still haven't been able to make it through "Alice." I have an allergy to anachronistic New Agey goddess worship set in days of yore.)

Seriously, putting Wiccanism in medieval stories just kills it for me. I'd rather read Robin Maxwell's ridiculous "To the Tower Born" again than subject myself to that sub-Marion Zimmer Bradley goddessy crap. Pre-Christian polytheism is really fascinating, and I feel these books do it a real disservice by making it so simplistic and insipid.

Edward's titles, 1312

Edward, par la grace de DIEU, Roi d’Engleterre, seignur d’Irlaunde, ducs d’Aquitaine, & conte de Pontif & de Monstroil
[Edward, by the grace of GOD, King of England, Lord of Ireland, Duke of Aquitaine, and Count of Ponthieu and Montreuil]

Edward II's coronation oath: translation

Sire, will you grant and keep and by your oath confirm to the people of England the laws and customs given to them by the previous just and god-fearing kings, your ancestors, and especially the laws, customs, and liberties granted to the clergy and people by the glorious king, the sainted Edward, your predecessor?
I grant and promise them.
Sire, will you in all your judgments, so far as in you lies, preserve to God and Holy Church, and to the people and clergy, entire peace and concord before God?
I will preserve them.
Sire, will you, so far as in you lies, cause justice to be rendered rightly, impartially, and wisely, in compassion and in truth?
I will do so.
Sire, do you grant to be held and observed the just laws and customs that the community of your realm shall determine, and will you, so far as in you lies, defend and strengthen them to the honour of God?
I grant and promise them.

Penny of Edward II's reign

Tomb of Edward II

Amouncement of the birth of Edward III, November 1312

Isabella, by the grace of God, Queen of England, Lady of Ireland, and Duchess of Aquitaine, to our well-beloved the Mayor and aldermen and the commonalty of London, greeting. Forasmuch as we believe that you would willingly hear good tidings of us, we do make known to you that our Lord, of His grace, has delivered us of a son, on the 13th day of November, with safety to ourselves, and to the child. May our Lord preserve you.

Berkeley Castle, scene of Edward II's imprisonment

Letter of Queen Isabella to Edward II, 1314

My very dear and dread Lord, I commend myself to you as humbly as I can. My dear Lord, you have heard how our seneschal and our controller of Ponthieu have come from Ponthieu concerning our affairs; ...I beg you, my gentle Lord, that by this message it may please you to request your chancellor by letter that he may summon those of your council to him and take steps speedily in this matter, according to what he and your council see what is best to do for your honour and profit....May the Holy Spirit keep you, my very dear and dread Lord.

The Vita Edwardi Secundi on Edward II and Piers Gaveston

I do not remember to have heard that one man so loved another. Jonathan cherished David, Achilles loved Patroclus. But we do not read that they were immoderate. Our King, however, was incapable of moderate favour, and on account of Piers was said to forget himself, and so Piers was accounted a sorcerer.