The Uninvited (1988)

More proof that just because I look like a nice person doesn’t mean that I am one comes in the form of yours truly forcing your poor, long suffering Aunt John to watch THE UNINVITED. No, I’m not talking about the classy black and white ghost jam with RAY MILLAND and nope, I’m not talking about the inexplicable A TALE OF TWO SISTERS re-don’t starring ELIZABETH “WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER” BANKS…I’m referring to the stowaway mutant house cat debacle of 1988. In case there is some kind of point to your life and therefore you have not stumbled across this feline focused fiasco, let me fill you in on why it’s so rub your eyes, double take atrocious…

IT STARS MY CAT

When I first met my cat “GATO MALO” in an alley I knew very little about his history. Naturally I assumed he lived the typical homeless cat lifestyle of jumping trains, eating canned beans and carrying his few belongings in a bandana tied to a stick. Imagine my surprise to find out my little schnookums was actually an accomplished thespian that had rubbed shoulders with the likes of ROB “SILK STALKINGS” ESTES. The sad news is no matter how much I grill the bastard, he will not reveal where he hides his royalty checks!

GEORGE KENNEDY

I know video stores don’t exist anymore but if they did, it should be mandatory that each and every one has a well-marked GEORGE KENNEDY section. That way I would not have to waste time digging through crap that stars TOM HANKS and that platypus lady. Not only is GEORGE KENNEDY the most handsome man who ever lived but he also starred in DEMONWARP!

CLU GALLAGER

Nearly unrecognizable in JERRY LEWIS false teeth and mumbling like a madman, CLU “RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD” GALLAGER comes off as a dangerously psychotic PETER SELLERS wannabe. Isn’t this the same weirdo character he played in THE OFFSPRING? CLU, you scare me sometimes.

THE LADIES

As if wearing shredded x-tra large T-shirts over their bikinis was not classy enough, these two broads have discovered the ultimate culinary combo of champagne and ice cream sundaes! Parents of gay teens, don’t waste your money sending your kid to “straight” camp; just pop the UNINVITED into the DVD player and voila! Yowza and zowee.

SPECIAL (as in short bus) EFFECTS!

Where do I start? So there’s this mutant cat and when it opens it mouth, a smaller cat (or a rat?) jumps out and attacks people. I have no idea why this was attempted in the first place but there is absolutely no way to describe it. There is no consistency in the size of the beast from one scene to the next. The rules of time and space are not only outright rejected but given wedgies and laughed out of town. The only crumb of logic that is thrown is at film’s end when we discover all the events took place on a toy boat in a bathtub. Try not to notice that the cat is a completely different color in the final shot.

GREYDON CLARK

I have no idea what the hell director GREYDON CLARK could have possibly have been thinking while directing THE UNINVITED. His earlier films SATAN’S CHEERLEADERS and WITHOUT WARNING (1980) are hardly masterpieces, but they do, for the most part, resemble movies.

In other words, this is a must own and I’ve been dragging around a frayed VHS copy for years. The new DVD (a double feature with the suddenly competent looking MUTANT (1984)) is not much of an upgrade in the picture quality department but really, why should it be? This is a real bottom of the barrel disaster that needs to be seen under the worst of circumstances, preferably under some level of inebriation. Now if only I could get GATO MALO to autograph a copy…

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6 responses so far ↓

I saw this a million years ago (when I was a teen and rented every single offering the Horror section of our towns Mom n Pop video store had to offer) and I was drunk as a skunk which Im sure was cool at the the time but not doing me favors NOW as I try to remember details about the movie! I would track down a copy just to watch it again. Bad puppet movies are always a lot of fun and I would wager bad cat puppets have charms all their own!

Interesting George Kennedy story:I just found out recently my father used to know him! He even asked my father if he wanted to be an extra in a movie (why did Pops say ‘no’ I wonder?) and told my father that making movies was a good way to make a quick buck cuz all he had to do ‘was ride in on a horse and warn the teens not to go into the woods’! About a month after my father told me the story I rented JUST BEFORE DAWN and what did I SEE in that movie? Thats right! George Kennedy riding in on a horse warning teens not to go into the woods!

Oh dear, this looks like a must-have for the New Year’s Eve video pile! Our family tradition for NYE is to make lots of really good food, bust out the high-end booze, and watch the most godawful horror movies we can possibly find. This is PERFECT.

I LOVE this movie. LOVE. I think Clu is absolutely amazing, and the fact it’s got him, George Kennedy AND Alex Cord is some kind of feat!

Recently, the Egyptian here in LA screened 3 of Clu’s short films (he directed them), and they were amazing. One was a musical (with incest!) and I can’t stop thinking about it. Anyway, he’s a wonderful actor, a great artist and just an incredible man. I adore him.

The Uninvited is so much fun. What I love about this movie is how totally absurd it was, but at the same time, the seasoned actors made it something you could watch, and maybe not buy the whole thing, but certainly consider it… I thought that the younger actors were pretty good too. I miss really low budget B movies that had good acting. Those were the days…