Cupertino — Eager to enjoy an Apple-quality prank on April Fools’ Day? Just pull out your wallet.

Visit the online Apple Store today and you can order your own iPrank — which, for a mere $9.99, will make you the butt of an Apple-engineered joke.

The beauty of iPrank is that you’ll never know when it’s coming, or what form it will take.

It might be an email notice of foreclosure from your mortgage bank. Or an iMessage saying a loved one needs you at the hospital immediately. Or an angry “Dear John” iMessage from your girlfriend. Or an unexpectedly brutal dressing-down by Siri.

A spokesperson explains that although Apple promised to keep your information confidential, it never said it wouldn’t use that information for a good gag.

The $9.99 iPrank will be sufficient humor for most. For high-end users, Apple offers a more sophisticated iPrank Pro for only $19.99. At this level, iPrank will monkey with your professional contacts and create fake OS X system disasters at critical points in your work.

“We’ve tormented users enough for free in the past,” said CEO Tim Cook in a statement. “iPrank makes far more financial sense.”

Cook also promised that next year Apple Watch will play a major role in Apple’s April Fool activities. “Imagine the laughs when you’re in a meeting and your Apple Watch says ‘Your heart rate is 160. Get medical help now,'” says Cook. “And that’s just off the top of my head.”

Kim Jong-un demonstrates the first North Korea-made app, called “Launch Break”

Cupertino — Take heart, Jennifer Lawrence. It wasn’t Apple’s lax security that spilled your nude photos onto the internet. It was those pesky North Koreans.

Apple CEO Tim Cook broke the startling news this morning during a closed-door meeting with a group of analysts at Apple headquarters.

On conditions of anonymity, our source quoted Cook as saying that Kim Jong-un ordered the attacks on iCloud as the result of a grudge he’s held against Apple since Steve Jobs turned down his father’s request for a pre-release iPod back in 2010.

Since he took over as Apple CEO, Cook has received a series of escalating requests from the Supreme Leader. First Kim asked for a MacBook Air with Retina display (“We know you have them in the lab”), and then he asked that the Apple Watch be re-christened as “iJong.”

It was when Cook denied the MacBook Air request that the Guardians of Peace issued its statement: “Apple acts like mad rhinoceros in tropical jungle, greedily keeping toys to itself like a spoiled child in a hide-and-seek endeavor.”

In what now appears prophetic, the communique ended with the warning: “J-Law will pay for this.”

Cook says the iCloud security lapse is only the most recent act of aggression by North Korea. The renegade country has been responsible for the general crappy-ness of iCloud, the Apple Maps fiasco, the premature release of iOS 8.01, and the birth of Scott Forstall.

But help is on its way. In response to the GoP, an aggressive new group has formed independent of Apple. Calling itself the Guardians of Tim, this group is promising a series of retaliatory strikes, including a major leafleting campaign for Apple products inside the secretive state.

Behind the scenes at Apple, work goes on. With a major upgrade to iCloud planned for early 2015, the project team has been split into two. One is focused on the technology, while the other is tasked with finding ways to blame North Korea when it doesn’t work.

]]>http://scoopertino.com/tim-cook-pins-apple-woes-on-north-korea/feed/4http://scoopertino.com/tim-cook-pins-apple-woes-on-north-korea/Apple launches new line of bendable deviceshttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/Scoopertino/~3/Cyuc_RNHmUw/
http://scoopertino.com/apple-launches-new-line-of-bendable-devices/#commentsFri, 26 Sep 2014 14:21:15 +0000http://scoopertino.com/?p=10368Cupertino, CA — With its new family of bendable iPhones selling in record numbers, Apple will now bring that same rubbery goodness to its other revolutionary products.

Beginning next month, special “Flex” models of iPad and Mac will take their place alongside the currently offered iPhone 6 Flex and iPhone 6 Flex Plus.

In Getting The Bends, a new video now viewable on Apple’s website, Jony Ive explains the extraordinary engineering behind the new Flex models.

“Apple’s amazing Flexibody design combines the look and feel of the world’s most durable metals with the foundational strength of Olive Garden-grade cheese ravioli,” says Ive.

Better still, with literally hundreds of stress points designed into every Apple product, you can be sure that the device you purchase will bend in a way that is uniquely you.

Cupertino, CA — Last week, Apple moved to the wrist. This week, it goes farther — all the way to the finger.

At a special event today, Tim Cook & Co. announced Apple Ring.

Designed to be worn on any finger — on either hand — Apple Ring opens up a new world of possibilities. Embedded in a choice of elegant bands is a gorgeous .125-inch Retina HD display.

Optional Apple Ring Magnifier makes the .125-inch display appear to the eye as a 15-inch display

Apple Ring connects to your Apple Watch, which in turn connects to your Apple iPhone. “This is more than technology designed to work together,” said Cook, “it’s technology designed to squeeze three purchases out of every customer.”

Developers are already at work creating fantastic Ring Apps, such as Twitter Ring — which will allow users to fire off 6-character tweets.

The biggest news in Apple Ring is its interface. Just as Apple Watch introduced a new interface designed for the small screen, Apple Ring introduces a new interface designed for the microscopic screen.

The key to controlling Apple Ring is the “tap.” Tapping the device on any hard surface allows the user to control functions without obscuring the display, which is nearly invisible to start with.

No need to learn a new interface — you control Apple Ring with a series of simple taps in Morse Code

“Rather than require users to learn a whole new interface,” says Jony Ive, “Apple Ring taps are based on a language you already know: Morse Code.”

The Ring’s Taptic Interface uses taps and double-taps in place of dots and dashes. For example, if you wish to say “hello” to a nearby friend with an Apple Ring, you would simply tap as follows:

Apple CEO Tim Cook heads into surgery, with Steve Jobs’ shadow visible under his right arm

San Francisco, CA — Expect an eyeful at Apple’s September 9th special event. One thing you won’t see: Steve Jobs’ shadow hanging over Tim Cook.

In a marathon 11-hour operation yesterday, Cook was surgically separated from the shadow that has dogged him since October 5, 2011.

The risky procedure was performed at Stanford University Medical Center by a team of specialists, including a surgeon, psychologist, exorcist, voodooist, shadow boxer and a representative from Apple PR.

Until recently, this surgery was considered by most experts to be too dangerous. George Bush Jr. nearly lost his life during his unsuccessful battle to have his dad’s shadow removed.

But technology has opened new doors in shadow therapy, and the Apple Board began to pressure Cook to undergo the procedure in late 2013.

Cook was hesitant, but decided to cooperate after alternate treatments — from flamethrowers to cattle prods — only made Steve’s shadow even surlier.

The 24-hour period following shadow surgery is the most critical, and the early signs are positive. Cook has looked over his shoulder only four times today.

If all goes well, Tim will make his first-ever onstage appearance without Steve’s shadow at the upcoming iPhone 6 unveiling.

As a safeguard, a medical team will be offstage throughout the show. Apple cautions attendees not to be alarmed should an emergency response team need to rush onstage to hose Cook down with a chemical treatment.

Inspired by the news of Cook’s surgery, new Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella is reported to be considering a similar operation.

Unfortunately, experts say it is nearly impossible to remove a shadow as beefy as Steve Ballmer’s. Further complicating Nadella’s situation, Ballmer’s shadow is itself under the shadow of Bill Gates — which would necessitate an even more dangerous double-bypass operation.

AAPL stock rose 2.4% on the news that Tim Cook might soon be his own man.

Parting with a bit of its loose change, the world-leading tech giant has acquired Yosemite Park from the U.S. National Park Service for $14.4 billion.

The fabled park, to be re-christened OS X Yosemite Park, will become the core of Apple’s ad campaign for the new OS X this fall — the first major effort from Apple’s new in-house ad agency.

But prepare yourself. This is not your father’s Yosemite.

The OS X Yosemite Park Hotel will require the destruction of only 12,480 trees.

“We think the bones of Yosemite Park are terrific,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at today’s press briefing. “But it’s an old park — old trees, old trails, old waterfalls. We can do better.”

First on Cook’s to-do list: raze the park’s famed Ahwahnee Hotel. In its place, Apple plans a 1,200-room luxury hotel modeled after the “spaceship” headquarters now being built in Cupertino.

Hermetically sealed, the new OS X Yosemite Park Hotel will insulate visitors from the annoying sounds and smells of nature on the other side of the wall. In doing so, it will allow them to focus on the real reason for their visit — enjoying the new OS X Yosemite experience on their Macs.

Though construction of the new hotel will significantly reduce the park’s greenery, the overall ecological impact will be positive. With a new technology called iPhotosynthesis, Apple engineers will be able to boost oxygen production in remaining trees up to 26%.

Hikers can refresh themselves with the latest Apple products at the Half Dome Apple Store.

Hiking will still be a big part of the OS X Yosemite experience — but getting lost will no longer be an option. Most of the park’s 800 miles of hiking trails are to be closed, with a single Apple-designed trail leading directly to the new Apple Store perched atop Half Dome. Retail research indicates that customers are more willing to open their wallets at higher altitudes.

Hikers who can’t make it to the top will also reap the benefits of the new structure. A laser projection on Half Dome will display the current weather, time and AAPL stock price in 64-inch text.

National Park Service rangers will become a thing of the past. Over 1,000 Genius Rangers will patrol the park, offering One-to-One training in OS X Yosemite installation and black bear defense techniques.

iPhone losing power too often? Apple is teaching old trees new tricks.

And, of course, Apple is seriously sweating the details. A whopping 33% of Yosemite’s redwoods are being outfitted with power plugs and USB ports.

“We like to think of it as Nature 2.0,” said Cook.

Best of all, Apple is making it easy for visitors to get right to the good stuff. Hourly iCopters will shuttle visitors between the hotel and the outside world, bypassing the monotony of trees, mountains and streams.

A 5-night vacation in OS X Yosemite Park will start at $4,999 for a family of four. This includes free earplugs to help deal with the sonic assault of 24/7 iCopter traffic.

]]>http://scoopertino.com/apple-buys-yosemite-park-to-promote-new-os-x/feed/18http://scoopertino.com/apple-buys-yosemite-park-to-promote-new-os-x/Apple leaps into wearables with techy condomhttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/Scoopertino/~3/dS4ghtDzV5o/
http://scoopertino.com/apple-leaps-into-wearables-with-techy-condom/#commentsWed, 28 May 2014 13:04:04 +0000http://scoopertino.com/?p=10218Cupertino — No, it isn’t an iWatch. But Apple’s first entry into the wearable technology category is calculated to bring even more pleasure to more people.

At a press conference this morning, Apple introduced iSkin — an Apple-engineered condom designed to bring high performance to your performance.

“Amazingly,” says Apple’s press release, “iSkin is only 0.02mm thin, yet incorporates some of the most advanced technology we’ve ever created. Now, for the first time, you can back up all that talk with some real numbers.”

iSkin’s built-in accelerometer measures velocity and thrust-count, while a specially designed Apple chip (S3) measures stamina. Best of all, iSkin puts all that data to good use. With integrated Wi-Fi, it automatically uploads performance data to your Apple device and syncs with iCloud, where it is compared to previous uses and stored in your history.

But there’s more to excite you. iSkin condoms work with the simultaneously launched iSkin app, which awards achievements and “gamifies” the act of lovemaking — allowing you to compete with friends and colleagues. (A handicapping function levels the playing field for competitors of different skill levels, with presets for beginners, senior citizens and clergy.)

iSkin offers both visual and sensual delights. As the ultimate human interface, look-and-feel was supervised by Apple’s sex symbol, Jony Ive. Plus, it ships in five mood-enhancing colors selected by a panel of sex therapists, psychologists and shidduch professionals.

iSkin also syncs with the Love Genius feature found in the newest release of iTunes. Analyzing iSkin’s current operations for data, Love Genius instantly plays the track most appropriate for one’s performance, from hard rock to comedy.

All iSkin data is encrypted for privacy — or, as Apple is now referring to it, “intimacy.”

iSkin is guaranteed virus-free, and is available starting today at the Apple Store in a discreet package containing all five colors. A 3G version is available for $149.

Beginning July 1st, Apple Stores will offer special late-night One-to-One sessions to assist customers in iSkin installation and troubleshooting.

Cupertino — Finally tapping into Apple’s vaults of cash and bullion, Tim Cook is pulling out all the stops for what he’s dubbed “Project Cool.”

On the heels of the $3.2 billion acquisition of Beats, Cook is spending a cool $1.3 billion to acquire 24-year-old Adam Saperstein, an unemployed street artist in New York’s Soho district.

According to his buds on Bleecker, Adam has always been “pretty f**king cool” — and Cook is betting big that his coolness will restore vitality to Apple’s moribund work environment.

“Adam’s job will basically be to walk the halls in Cupertino and let his coolness rub off,” said a source inside Apple. “He’ll dress cool, share his music, tell us what TV shows he likes, that kind of stuff.”

Saperstein faces a nearly impossible challenge right out of the box. His first job will be to work on Tim Cook’s wardrobe, grooming and speaking style, in the hopes that Cook can better connect with those under 30. Even under 40 would be a step forward.

“I’m already speaking their language, bro,” says Cook.

Apple officially lost its cool on April 4, 2013, when it became “more than three years” since Apple’s last revolution, the iPad.

Though the company continues to siphon billions from people who used to be cool, it’s the currently-cool crowd that holds the key to Apple’s future.

“Project Cool should pay off big inside Apple,” says Morgan Stanley technology analyst Allen Cobbman. “Not just in facial hair, but in vending machine content and slang used in meetings.”

Saperstein himself is thrilled to have a job — any job — and the $1.3 billion is just icing on his cake.

Reached for comment, he would only say “jazzed 2 b the apple guy. think i can keep my galaxy s5?”

Starting on June 7, a single share of AAPL will decrease in price from its 4/24/14 closing price of $594 to a little more than a nickel.

Why the sudden turnaround?

CEO Tim Cook says it’s all about making Apple stock more affordable to mainstream investors.

“If the goal is to make AAPL more affordable, why dork around? Let’s get on with it,” says Cook in an Apple press release.

According to sources, Cook became obsessed with penny stocks after he read an article about penny stock millionaires on a site called How Life Works. It’s a site he’s relied on in the past for fashion and health tips.

“Imagine being able to buy 1,000 shares of AAP for $59,” says Cook. “When the stock hits $700 again, that would be worth $700,000.”

“True,” said one stock market analyst. “And when the stock gets back to $700, we’ll be vacationing on Mars via teleportation.”

Brushing aside the doubters, a spokesman for Cook said “Criticism of Apple is nothing new. And by the way — do you know the stock symbol for that teleportation outfit?”