Archive for the ‘Life in Rainy School’ Category

Yes I have finals soon and I’m still chilling online and I spent the whole night out haha I AM SCREWED. Well I’m gonna hope for the best and do my best since luck has not been on my side this past week. I’m broke from spending gifts on lecturers and I seriously hate one of my lecturers fml curse you but I’m finding time to blog!

Just got back from Maths workshop and I’m super tired. Some pictures from the past week:

Bio class.

Chem class!

Lynne and I and Miss Nancy, the chem lecturer!

Huansen and Alex, chemistry mates.

Beloved Mr Mustafa and other of his students, proudly showing off the tie and chocolates from us (:

A little bird! 🙂

That’s all kthxbye.

I’m happy now with how things are. Please don’t tell me you love me, because that will ruin everything. Please don’t.

I’m having a very rough patch and I’ll liken it to walking underwater, trying my best to keep my head above the surface. In the past whenever I had a nervous breakdown I just slept and ate and slept but now, I still have to function about my daily life, do chores, homework, and go to college, without any family to support me and always having to use all my energy to keep up cheerfulness and so on in class. I don’t want to burst into tears in college or anything.

I’ve lost my phone and Mum actually wants to dip into her savings for her cataract surgery just to buy me a new one cause she can’t stand to see me so sad. I asked my parents to settle their mortgage, credit card and loans things first and I’ll settle this myself as it is my own fault, but they insisted on helping me because they care about me. I’ve been very touched, I seriously thought they would be so angry at me that they wouldn’t talk to me for days.

At times, no matter how hard i try, even on tiptoes, my head fails to break the surface and I can feel myself drowning in the metaphorical waters. I hope one day, either by myself or with help, I’ll be able to pull myself out onto dry ground. Will someone pull me up? Because I can’t keep treading water and gulping only occasional gasps of air. I want to WALK again.

It feels like I have cancer or something but can i ask all you guys to keep me in your prayers? =)

Why does it bug me so much when people don’t like me? I don’t understand. Why do I always feel bad when it’s not my fault? I always want to set aside my pride and have a confrontation with someone who dislikes me. Like, “hey, is there something I did that made you angry?”

Because I’m just like that. I mean, if it’s a misunderstanding, I’ll apologise and sort it out and feel better about me. Why would I want someone to hate me cause of a misunderstanding right? If it’s my attitude or so on, I’ll like apologise and reflect, like “sorry if I gave you this impression”. But if someone dislikes me for no reason, I’ll be mad. But, you never know unless you ask right? Ask what’s wrong?

I mean. It bothers me. A lot. I have found the first person here who outwardly dislikes me. It’s very unpleasant especially since this person is very friendly to others but appears to really hate being in my presence. Initially, I really wanted to create a friendship with this person. I thought maybe I had to try harder to make topics and so on, but it wasn’t so. I could feel it was all deliberate, the way this person treated me. Even others pointed it out and I was wondering why I am hated by someone who doesn’t even know me and I have never said a bad word about this person and by first-hand account this person is very nice to others.

I can’t just DON’T CARE. I’m not the kind of girl who goes, ‘I don’t care if you hate me or love me. I love my life!’ Umm, no. I care about what others think about me. Most of all, I want all to be peaceful. I don’t want any high school tension/unresolved problems in my life. Life’s too short for that. This is why I step down and say sorry. I don’t want any enemies. I just want to make friends. I care if someone dislikes me, especially if it is something that I have done.

And if it’s something I did not do, it makes me wonder more. Like, am I so repulsive/annoying and have such a horrible personality that you dislike me? I doubt myself and I’d feel shit.

I mean. It really bothers me. Because life here has been peaceful so far with no drama and very little fights or so on. I just dislike being ignored or prejudiced when I don’t even know why.

Or if it’s something like someone dislikes my boyfriend, hence they dislike me. I dislike all that. I hate being hated. I hate wondering. I’d rather apologise, and make up.

It has been a very busy week. Like unbearably so. I was supposed to have my English presentation tomorrow, but it has been postponed FML. I worked so hard for it. Now my mock argumentative essay is due. Next I have Bio and Math test on the SAME DAY. My Bio practical, also unfinished.

Also, I have been practicing like mad. The Nobody dance. For an audition 🙂 so wish me luck. It’s the first time I’ve ever attempted singing and dancing in front of people before LOL.

Also, yesterday was his birthday 🙂 Happy birthday to you alright 🙂 Hope you had a good one.

I dreamed that I got chicken pox and died. So now I’m on a Googling frenzy. I know chicken pox at this age is very dangerous and I’ll probably be hospitalised.

I should get a vaccination. No more school, no more vaccinations 😦 It’s weird to think I’m no longer in school. I’ve been schooling for the longest time (13 years?) and now when people ask, I’m like, I’m not in school anymore. Interesting how 13 years pass by in a flash now I think about it. At 7 or 8 I fantasized about being in Form 5 but it always seemed more like a distant daydream.