9 Sure-fire Tips to Expand Your Mind!

Life is too short to be content with commonplace ideas and philosophies society bombards us with. What use is being called Homo sapiens, “the thinking man,” if we refrain from using every bit of time we have left to enhance our meditating faculties? So in the interest of the purely rational mind and for the sake of posterity, we have compiled a list of intellectual tasks and mental exercises you can perform to expand your mind:

1. Start reading serious books. — Stephen Hawking didn’t become Stephen Hawking by reading Spider-Man, and Ayn Rand didn’t come up with Objectivism by immersing herself in sleazy romance novels! Chuck out every non-serious, fun, and emotional book or reading material you have in your shelves and start collecting those leather-bound tome-like ones without any pictures. If the font is smaller than size 8, that’s a good sign you’re in the right direction. Burn everything else. Burn your magazines, children’s books, photo albums, closet, dog, house–everything. Burn your parents for starting you on Sesame Street instead of Plato.

2. Die a little. — Genius is measured in doses of personal misery, so do not give up reading even if simply going through page 3 of a treatise by some long-dead German philosopher makes you want to tear up and slash your wrists. You’ll get used to the loneliness of walking the sacred path to knowledge after a while. Losing friends is another good sign that your lifestyle is evolving from the slobbery to the scholarly. Do not live for today. Live for the future! History will prove you right even if the present vomits you out violently like too much tequila.

3. Send a clear signal that you are not part of this pathetic game of mediocrity. — There’s a logic that governs everyday life, which the masses in their mass consumerist hysteria are not able to perceive. But you do. You see the master puppet behind the veil of illusions they call “life.” In many ways, you are like Neo in The Matrix. Your eyes pierce through the deceptive simulations to unveil the code in green Chinese characters that fall randomly on the screen. But nothing is random–and you know that in your very heart and soul. There’s some secret meaning to this, usually encapsulated by a quote on Instagram if you search #instaquote. You have to post that shit when you find it to wake others up from their artificial dreaming state and launch the bloody revolution against the machines!

4. Be a political T-rex! — Yes! Like the apex predator of the Cretaceous period, you must devour everything in your path with maximum savagery. Begin your day with a rousing breakfast of Facebook and Twitter skirmishes about the country’s foreign policy, have a violent lunch of some fool’s misogynistic, sexist argument, and close it out with a gory dinner of CNN and BBC. By the end of the day, you’ll be shitting Vladimir Putin’s face in your toilet bowl.

5. Talk in codes. — Nobody understands you because you are Alan Turing reborn. Haruki Murakami with extra wasabi. Yoko Ono on steroids and the beating heart of Jaden Smith’s Twitter account. Plants vilify you in the chasm between the primate amygdala and reptilian metacarpals. Buttermilk splash in your eyes when the red dawn of the event horizon explodes like a gokkun glass on the floor. Space pizzas and gorilla tits. Pimple soup. Keanu Reeves. Exactly.

6. Go on an intellectual diet. — Put that nasty bag of Cheetos where it came from and start picking up brain food. But 100% organic greens are just the start of a dietary overhaul designed to build your brain muscles. The extra vitamins and nutrients you need cannot be found in the grocery store–hell no! Go to the nearest bookshop and start tearing out pages of books in the self-help and history sections. Stuff these fiber-rich pages in your mouth and proceed to swallow. Choking is a hazard but few are those honored to die for knowledge!

7. Watch art house or go home. — Who the fuck needs another Iron Man or Batman movie? Jesus! Every single one of these Justice League of Fantastic Avengers had dead parents who they need to avenge by using ridiculous powers from extraterrestrial beings or super high tech gizmo bullshit. Instead of watching these mind-numbing popcorn flicks, go see art films that discuss the true nature of life and of existence. Have you seen Synecdoche, New York by Charlie Kaufman? It’s about this play about the people making the play, where the play depicts the making of the play, and each play is played out ad infinitum. It’s like Playception. Imagine living your life without seeing this movie and deciphering its hidden meaning! You might as well kill yourself now if you don’t have a copy of this film because your cultural taste is as worthless as nipples on a superhero costume!

8. Don’t forget to smoke. — Every bookworm worth his salt knows that smoking is one of the sure signs of expanded brain capacity. You could almost say sticking a big, fat pipe of nicotine is the ticket to the exclusive knowledge-is-power club. So never forget to light it up lest people start to suspect you’re a mental wuss and a buffoon. Be sure to puff that shit when you’re writing dark haiku on Tumblr or just casually reading Elite Daily. The more cigarettes, the better. Stick some in your ears, too, to stop hearing your blithering moronic friends talk about fun things like music and side boobs.

9. Do some head exercises. — Finally, work your muscles out! We’re not talking about doing puzzles and crosswords–no, sir or ma’am! Those things are for kids. We’re talking about literal head exercises aimed at creating more space for your growing cranium. Follow these steps: (1) Stand next to a wall. (2) Put your hands firmly on your side. (3) Observe proper posture–do not slouch! (4) Breathe deeply for 3 minutes. (5) Knock your head against the wall repeatedly as hard as you can until your cranium cracks and your brain noodles spill onto the floor.