For those of you who are embarking on this journey with me, I salute you! (I’m sorry, and you’re welcome.) We’re only two episodes in to WeTV’s newest experiment, Love After Lockup, and I already want to leave my family to fend for themselves for an entire weekend of hotel-binge watching. Alas, we’re gonna have to wait a miserable seven days between shows to see where this disaster heads next. Prediction: This elevator is going ALLLLLL the way to the bottom.

Johnna’s elevator doesn’t seem to go all the way to the top, however, which we learn as she plays house with her freshly-released felon, Garrett, who’s been locked up since he was 18 years old. While he was on the inside carving shivs from plastic sporks, Johnna was in Tampa, FL, buying a house, clothes, and an iPhone stalking device for Garrett. One problem: He doesn’t really know how to use any of these. Also, he doesn’t know just how much of a psycho Johnna is. Ah – but he’s about to find out!

Although we’ll be treated to six couples’ “journeys” this season, this week’s episode chose to focus on the freaky four of Love After Lockup’s premiere episode. Because some trash heaps are bigger (and more rank) than others, the focus on each couple was a little uneven. So let’s just break down what we know about our doomed lovebirds so far.

Garrett and Johnna

When Johnna and her Hello Kitty steering wheel/seatbelt pick Garrett up from prison, they are all subjected to much groping on the drive home. Garrett has been telling the cameras repeatedly how horny he is, and he can barely keep his hands off of Johnna as she giggles inanely – and keeps her hand where we can’t see it. AGH!! MY EYES!! Despite their mutual giddiness of being unsupervised for the first time ever in their relationship, tensions rise when Johnna immediately starts criticizing Garrett’s pipe dreams of being a massage therapist. “People don’t want felons touching them!” she scolds…as she is literally being licked by one.

But if we thought this was the worst of their intimate moments caught on camera, sweet Jesus, we were dead wrong. Because when the happy couple arrive home, they instantly strip down and hit the shower. Do the cameras cut away and give them a moment? Do they splice in a quick interview to break up the nastiness to come? OH HELL NO THEY DO NOT. Instead, we hear 5-7 seconds of muffled moaning and huffing from inside the bathroom, where Garrett is finally getting his homecoming gift from Johnna. KILL ME!!!!!!!! Also, Johnna is apparently wearing a shower cap. I have no words.

Afterward, Garrett reports that their first time was “amazing.” Johnna calls it, “Short. Um, he needs to build up his stamina, I guess?” And let me just say right now, there are not enough showers in the world to get me clean after hearing these sounds. We are never going to wash this sh*t off, people! <rocks in corner, sucking thumb>

It’s not until a few days later that Johnna starts to let her true freak flag fly though. After coming home a bit late from a boys’ night out, Garrett sees just who the new warden in town is: Her name is Johnna, and she knows how to track you on your bought-and-paid-for iPhone, dude. As Johnna sits at some sort of Applebees situation with her freaked-out friends, she shows them how she can track Garrett’s every move via their phones. Garrett, whose last technological purchase may have been a beeper, has no idea how Johnna knows the exact ETA of his arrival at the bar to meet his friend. He’s like, HUH? when he gets repeated texts from his creepy lover.

Since Garret is on probation, he can’t drink. He’s never had a legal drink, in fact, so he just sips his Ginger Ale while listening to his friend ask the hard questions: Are you gonna marry this chick? Don’t you want to be single for a little while? Why are you rushing into this nightmare? Garrett is just grateful to be sleeping on a real bed, so he’s willing let Johnna labor under the delusion that he’s marriage material. Also, he has nowhere else to go. And he needs more shower sex.

When his phone starts beeping with text after text asking WHERE ARE YOU? and demanding that he COME HOME NOW! Garrett just rolls his eyes. Johnna is back home from her girls’ night out and it’s nearly 11pm – which apparently means all prisoners must return to their cells!

It’s only when Garrett gets this crazy ass bitmoji of doom, that he heads home, wondering how the eff Johnna turned herself into a fancy/scary cartoon? Technology is confusing.

At home, Johnna’s crooked ponytail and wild-eyed stare should clue Garrett in to what’s coming: She is PSYCHOTIC. RUN!!!! She lays into him immediately: She doesn’t like him going out! She liked it better when he was in prison – at least she knew where he was! Also, where is her RING? Why hasn’t he proposed yet!?!??! Because he’s still basically a stunted teen, Garrett calls her a “crazy b*tch,” rolling his eyes and looking desperately for an escape hatch. He has no idea who this person is anymore, and he wonders just what the f**k he’s gotten himself into? Also, can someone plug this iPhone in for him so he can dial 9-1-1 and arrest himself to go back to jail? #PlanB

“I never portrayed myself to be anything other than psycho!” defends Johnna of the very low IQ and high likelihood of getting murdered soon. Which just about sums up who she is: Crazy in public. This is no secret nutcase! No, no. She’s loud and proud about being a Stage 5 Clinger. Garrett storms out the door after as she shouts, “Go f**k b*tches at the casino!” at him. But where is he going? To the front lawn and back again? It’s almost lights out in this correctional institution, and he is definitely on permanent lockdown.

Scott and Lizzie

Oh man, you guys. This is the saddest situation of all, in my opinion. And the one most likely to end in Scott’s death by poisoning. Lizzie isn’t out of jail yet, but she’s still managing to film on some sort of hand held camera from her prison cell – which is possibly the best thing I’ve ever seen on TV. HOW IS THIS OCCURRING? She shows us her Bible, which has been her only comfort in prison, besides sending nude photos to random men and conning them out of money.

Obviously in denial about her crimes, Lizzie bemoans her fate as a prisoner. She asks God “Why am I here? Just for some DUI’s and running over a guy’s foot? WHY?” LOLOLOLOLOL!! Oh my God – give me a sec. Ahh. Okay, back to reality. As she poses for the camera in her prison t-shirt and short-shorts (with homemade paper snowflakes hanging all around her cell – um, Merry Christmas?!), Scott is out with a friend buying $1,200 worth of clothes for his bride to be. It’s on credit, so who cares?

He’s been instructed that Lizzie will require at least 200 pairs of shoes, a full wardrobe, a “Cinderella wedding,” complete with horse and carriage and some cyanide pills. Scott’s friend is all of us as she warns him about giving all of his money away to this inmate he barely knows, but he doesn’t care. It’s true love, y’all! Plus, he’s already in $20k deep with this chick, so what’s a few thousand more? Oh, Scott. Sleep with one eye open, dude. #SaveScott!!

James and Alla

As we get to know more about Alla, we find out her family has a lot to do with her sense of entitlement. There is some major money – and some major enabling – going on here. For example, Alla’s parents have kept her apartment in pristine prostitute-lite decor condition for the entire seven years she’s been locked up. When she returns to it, she rifles through her clothes and shoes, which are leftover from her modeling days. She claims to have given all of her modeling money to her parents during her incarceration, insinuating that she’s the one funding this lifestyle? Hmm.

It’s worth noting that Alla, the former heroin addict and dealer, looks more than a little “off” during her interview segments. She also seems to be grasping at words as she blathers on to her hair stylist about how, even though James hasn’t breathed a word about her to his family yet, they’ll be fiiiiiiiine! Um – I’ll just let the comments section take over on this subject. <side eye>

When James shows up at her doorstep with an enormous bouquet of flowers, Alla jumps into his arms, cooing that their happily ever after awaits. Everything will be perfect now!! James believes his family will be totally on board with his ex-felon fiance when they get to know her. And Alla assures us that she’s not like those other prison con-artists who are all just tricking men from the inside. Her “Prison Darlings” profile was all above board, yo! Okay, girl. We’ll play along.

Andrea and Lamar

Jesus take the wheel. Or at least take these precious children out of Andrea’s care (yeah, I said it!), because this broad is NEXT LEVEL DELUSIONAL. Lamar, the 18-year inmate, is about to be released and ferried back to Utah to walk among the Mormon community Andrea calls home. After she gets her hair done, is gently (but ineffectively) warned by her meek friend to “really think about what she’s doing,” and holds a curbside prayer circle with her kids, Andrea sets off in the car she bought Lamar for her 9-hour trek. She completely writes off the valid concerns of her teenage daughter, which immediately makes me hate this chick. Bad mom! BAD! Also, Andrea says she’s been “dating” Lamar for 6 years, yet she has a 5-year old daughter? I have questions.

On her long trek, Andrea’s last remaining brain cell apparently experiences some activity. She suddenly wonders if inviting a former “gangbanger” and decades-long inmate into her house is the best idea for her family? She thinks, what if he drinks? What if he won’t convert to Mormonism? What if he doesn’t like arts & crafts parties where caffeine and dancing is forbidden? #DeepThoughtsByAndrea

All worries are cast aside once Andrea gets to her destination – which is apparently the side of a freeway, where women are lined up to the horizon waiting to receive their assigned baggage ex-con. As she stands on the side of the road in HOUSE SLIPPERS (omg, I can’t!!) huffing and squealing, Andrea declares, “This is every woman’s fantasy! This is like a fairytale!” Um, I don’t think I saw that Disney/Pixar movie, but okay girl. #TalesFromTheCrip

When Lamar is finally ejected from his prison van, Andrea runs as fast as those fuzzy slippers will take her into his arms. And the picture of this grown woman running in delight to a man literally holding a trash bag with all of his belongings is the absolutely best visual to metaphorically represent this entire sh*tshow.

As they drive home, Andrea apologizes to Lamar for having “so much stuff in your car!” GROAN. Lamar doesn’t care about the car. Much like Garrett (except with 12 extra years under his belt) he is ready for some sexytimes. Thus, he wastes no times with the face licking and groping, much to Andrea’s delight.

And I warn you that very shortly into the next episode: Shirtless passengers will make attempts to crash this car. Gah! Get some sleep, y’all. We’ll need all of the strength we can muster to witness what’s about to go down in this car next week.

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast, Pink Shade With Erin Martin, for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Love After Lockup & more!) – plus a dash of cults & the supernatural. Available on Podbean, Stitcher, and iTunes!

TELL US: IS JOHNNA GARRETT’S NEW WARDEN? IS LAMAR GOING TO FIT INTO ANDREA’S COMMUNITY? IS ALLA REFORMED? WILL SCOTT BE FLEECED/MURDERED WITHIN SIX MONTHS?!?