Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Pittsburgh - Pantherrants learned of an incident at the Wannstedt home today. Reports state that the mailman came to the house for a delivery. The gracious host, Mrs. Wanny, welcomed the diligent civil servant in for a drink. As the carrier was walking on the rug, he tripped on a large bulge and dropped his letters. Mrs. Wanny elaborated, "Dave has been sweeping so much under the rug lately that I suppose it just got a little backed up there."

The startled carrier continued, "As I was falling, I didn't see my life flash before my eyes. I can't be certain, but I could swear I caught a glimpse of Ricky Williams, Leon Lett, and Elijah Fields as I hit the ground and the rug bounced up slightly."

Thankfully, no one was hurt in the incident. Coach Wannstedt stated, "We all had a good laugh over a glass of milk and cookies. Then I ran down to Home Depot for a new broom as mine is getting pretty worn out. And [laughing] perhaps it's time for a bigger rug."

Monday, July 30, 2007

Pittsburgh - A prominent Pitt football player was allegedly involved in a messy incident over the weekend. Reportedly, several other players participated.

Pantherrants has learned that the players in question had a very normal Saturday of working out really hard and studying. After these typical time consuming activities are done, players will spend the rest of their day praying intensely or engaging in good deeds in the community. In order to better their community, these players often pray with other students. Therein lies the problem.

Late on Saturday night, allegedly, a Pitt player was praying with one of the co-eds. She agreed to participate on a limited basis: a Hail Mary here; an Our Father there. The player in question then attempted to do some Rosary prayers and even suggested some Latin sayings. The girl in question was overcome with the spirit of the Lord and tried, but failed. In an effort to help the poor girl become closer with Jesus, the Pitt player, allegedly, asked some of his friends to help the girl with her prayers. In the end, this was their undoing. Father Kennedy weighed in. "Everyone knows the Pitt football players are closer to God than anyone else on campus. They should have known that a simple girl couldn't handle the intensity of the Holy Spirit."

These scathing remarks highlight the irresponsibility of the players in question. Hopefully they will learn that sometimes a Hail Mary means just a Hail Mary and nothing more.

Pittsburgh --- In a stunning attack on the legitimacy of internet message boards as being the most reliable source of information available, a message board devoted to University of Pittsburgh recruiting was devastated on Saturday when a member posted vague information about an unnamed football player that many derided as “rumor and speculation”.

On July 28, 2007, a poster indicated that there was “big trouble brewing” and that if the information was true it would be “ugly”. Fortunately, other members and board moderators were quick to shout down and ultimately remove the unspecified information as being baseless speculation. “It’s a shame that an unnamed player will be sullied by these nonspecific accusations. I mean, this is different from when we discussed how the Penn State football team went on a wilding spree in State College before joining the pogrom in Darfur, because that was proven by numerous other corroborating message board postings,” said one member whose legitimacy was evidenced by his 10,000 plus post count.

The site, which is premised upon its unfailing ability to predict how a high school player will perform in college and which schools the 11th and 12th graders will ultimately attend, strongly disapproved of disseminating rumors and speculative information from unnamed sources. Moreover, because both recruits and players look to the message board as their primary source of information regarding the University of Pittsburgh football program, the rumor has a ripple effect beyond the legitimacy of the otherwise ironclad information published on the site. When former and current Panthers Ted Ginn, Rory Nichols, Tyler Reed, Darrin Walls, Scott McClintock, Steve Breaston, Andrew Johnson, and James Bryant were asked about the suspect posting, they responded in unison that they were saddened by the development, but weren’t surprised. Former Panther great and first round draft choice of the Miami Dolphins Ted Ginn explained, “People are always saying crazy stuff on those boards. Hell, there are some people who are still reporting that we went to schools other than Pitt.”

Friday, July 27, 2007

The lead singer position at Van Halen is similar to the head coaching position at Pitt. It's been a revolving door. Think about it......

1970's - Early 1980's: Pitt is rocking with Johny Majors and Jackie Sherrill. Van Halen is rocking out with David Lee Roth

Late 80's - Early 90's - Pitt goes in a different direction with three head coaches. Van Halen does as well with Sammy Hagar.

Mid 90's: Pitt goes back to the future...briefly. Van Halen welcomes back Roth....briefly.

Late 90's-2004: Both groups go through the motions. Pitt has a string of 8-plus win seasons. Eddie Van Halen does one too many 8-balls of coke.

Present - Pitt goes back to the past hiring Dave Wannstedt. David Lee Roth comes back to Van Halen.

Yeah I know...bad comparison, but I'm the one writing this and not you so bite me. Go to your local watering hole where Jimbo and the rest of the truckers are having a few Arhns talking bout dem Stillers. And when you do, play this song. Because when you bring back the past..that's how you know when it's love.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Panther Rants recently had the opportunity to sit down and have a one-on-one telepathic interview with none other than His Holiness, God. The Heavenly Father spent about an hour with PR to answer some questions and clear up some misconceptions about life, sports and other topics.

P.R. Thanks for taking the time, uhm, God.

God. Not a problem. Given the age in which we live, I'm trying to go out of my way to speak with the media as much as possible clear up any misconceptions.

P.R. What are some of those misconceptions?

G. First of all, people really need to stop with all of this crap like, "if God isn't a Pitt fan or a WVU fan, why is the sky blue and gold?" Or worse, "If God isn't a Penn State fan, why is the sky blue and white?" For starters, you sound like a complete loon saying such things. And secondly, if anyone's been paying attention to my work load in the past, I dunno, 30,000 years or so, they'd know immediately that I don't really follow sports.

Think about it, every day I wake up to an inbox LOADED with prayers. I have some guy in Tacoma asking for the hot brunette at his job to like him. Then I have some other dope in St. Louis asking for a better job. And I get a prayer almost hourly from a guy in Washington D.C. for brains. They don't look at me as their God. They look at me to be their lottery ticket out of whatever dogshit situation they've gotten themself into. Yeah, you dropped outta' college and now you want ME to just magically place your dream job in your lap. Riiiiiiiight.

And then add in all of these prayers from these families that have loved ones fighting in that war and do you REALLY think that I have three hours to set aside to watch sports? What I will do, is occasionally drop in on a game that I've received a lot of prayers on, just to see what all of the fuss is about. Like the one game a few years back involving your school and Notre Dame. Think it was 2001....

P.R. The game where R.J. English dropped the ball untouched as he was...

G.PWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, that was all me, dude. I couldn't help it. It was there and I just couldn't resist.

P.R. So it IS true. God really does hate Pitt.

G. That's not true. I just like to screw with Pitt. The University of Pittsburgh's a great institution, but I'm still making them pay for past sins.

P.R. You don't like dinocat either, huh?

G. What? No. Not that abortion. Their other sin: arrogance. Lemme' tell you a story:

About 35 years ago Pitt football was about as bad as it was. Pretty sure they went 1-10 a couple of years. You could park a Greyhound bus in Pitt Stadium and not obstruct one view. I start getting these prayers from a couple of die hard fans. "Please God. Please help our football team. It's so embarrassing. We promise. If you help us out we'll never forget it."

So I pulled a couple of strings and, viola, Johnny Majors comes to Pitt. And a few strings later Tony Dorsett's in the backfield and that team seemed to become dynamite over night. And in the beginning, the fans really were appreciative. I mean, they really did act as though this new found success was a gift from, well, me.

And then they won that National Title and everything changed. Instead of being appreciative, they became arrogant. They started acting like they invented football in 1973, kinda' like those goofballs in Blacksburg. And it was insidious. I mean, it affected everyone. Boosters, alumni, administration. Even the damn coaches. Suddenly this gift became a God given right. And now way are you gonna' tell ME what to do. I truly am the only one in the world that has no one to answer to. So, when Sherill left and Foge came in, I took it all away for awhile. Oh, I'll give it back one day. But not until I feel you guys deserve it.

P.R. Not to be nosey, but are we close to that day?

G. Well, you guys are closer than you were, but you still have a ways to go. But I do have good news: If you think I what I did to your school is bad, wait 'til you see what I have in store for Penn State when the old guy finally steps aside. I can't speculate, but I think you and your Pitt faithful will enjoy it immensely.

P.R. Is it true that you don't make no junk?

G. Ever been to Flint, Michigan?

P.R. Been through it.

G. I rest my case. Everyone has an off day sometimes.

P.R. Well, that's about all of the time we have for now. God, it's been a pleasure and I hope we can do this again some time.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania --- On the heels of vowing that it was going to publish articles only on Tuesdays and Fridays, and abstain from writing all other days, Pantherrants was unable to control itself and prematurely published this article on Thursday evening. According to the editors, Pantherrants was really looking forward to the big Friday date, and has been making a concerted effort to go three days without doing or thinking anything journalistic. However, Pantherrants eventually became antsy with the lack of any writing and began sneaking "hunt and peck" sessions at the keyboard. After approximately three sentences' worth of text, Pantherrants was unable to stop typing, typing, yes typing, yes typing, oh god TYPING, yes TYPING, harder TYPING harder TYPING YES TYPING HARDER HARDER HARDER TYPING TYPINGTYPINGTYPING!!!!!!!! and published its article one day too soon. Pantherrant reported that this rarely occurs, and is sure that Tuesday's articles will be thought out long and hard, leaving the reader highly satisfied.

Omaha - Pantherrants has received an anonymous email from a corporate spy that Wlat has been seen in Omaha. Reports indicate that coach is in negotiations with ConAgra Foods' signature product, Chef Boyardee. Wlat will reportedly replace the Italian chef as the spokesperson and face of the product line. A crude mock-up of the new logo appears above.

In order to keep the content on this site fresh and original Panther Rants will be posting every Tuesday and Friday up until the beginning of the football season. Hopefully our readers (all 13 of you) will stop by to check out our original and moderately entertaining content on these two days each week. We will be back in the swing of things leading up to the season and Pitt's eventual National Championship run.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

In a bizarre turn of events this past weekend, Panther Rants has learned that another DinoCat disappearance has taken place. The logo that once proudly called the shoulders of the Pitt football jerseys home has mysteriously vanished.

This latest development follows a string of events that has seen the systematic disappearance of the Pittsburgh DinoCat. As of the publishing of this article no arrests have been made, nor have any suspects been named.

Current University of Nebraska and former Pitt AD Steve Pederson, the original proponent of DinoCat, made accusatory remarks on who he believes to be the culprit. "Obviously, the current Pitt Athletic Department is responsible for these crimes," Pederson stated while smiling uncontrollably. "We have seen the proposed euthanising of the DinoCat logo in the Petersen Events Center and now have another vanishing on our hands. These events have to be linked, they're not simply coincidental. The current Pitt AD is clearly responsible. We have a serial killer on our hands, good people..." Immediately following his statement, Steve Pederson was apprehended by federal authorities on charges of the infamous murder of the Pitt Script logo in 1996.

The Pitt AD did not return repeated smoke signal communications. It is believed, however, that authorities are seeking Pitt AD Jeff Long and marketing director Chris Ferris for questioning. The two were last spotted leaving the restroom together holding hands and giggling.

Panther Rants will continue to gather facts and provide complete coverage of these developing stories.

Pittsburgh - College football fans across the country are beginning to feel the excitement of the upcoming 2007 season. Pitt fans are no different. Hope is the word of the day as heralded newcomers and more experienced veterans are looked upon to turn mediocrity into victory. However, this excitement must be tempered.

Pantherrants warns against excessive hopefulness for the Panther's 2007 campaign. Remember, we only have 2 good recruiting classes, a great deal of inexperience, a new starting quarterback along with a complete overhaul of the linebacking corp. This year may not be the breakout year. None of this is the current coaching staff's fault.

A smart fan realizes that it takes time to implement a new system, recruit appropriate players, and turn the tide of public opinion. So, is 2008 the big year? Not quite. Coach Wannstedt still will not have gone through a full recruiting cycle at that point; and no coach can be judged until he's done so.

Program supporters must consider the length of time needed to alter the public perception of fans, alumni, local players, local coaches, and the media. This is not done overnight. It starts when a young child is born and is influenced by his friend's and family's passions. Theses children are only being influenced now. Therefore, if Wannstedt is truly to be judged, it will not be until these children are raised, recruited, and play in 4-5 years of college football. Therefore, the clock started ticking in December 2004 for Wannstedt. He better get moving because time will run out 23 years after those babies develop and play 5 years in the "system." So watch out, Wanny - us Pitt fans are going to be all over you in December 2027 if you don't get things turned around.

Friday, July 20, 2007

You know that’s a really hard, you know…um question.Then again you know what part of hard I mean.I’m not talking beating Furman hard, the ability to defend the spread offense hard or even 2001 season hard.If you think about…there’s a lot of you know options of how hard this question is just like it is to define the kind of car I am.

One option is the Acura Legend.The reason why is because let’s face it: Heroes get remembered and Legends are never forgotten.Fans…err I mean women…never forget me.Just like an Acura, every ride will be smooth and just like Foreigner…it will you know, feel like the first time.

Panther Rants is a big fan of butt rock. And being from Pittsburgh, how can ya' not be? Half of the city is still kickin it with mullets and IROCs. And what better song to jam out to in your Firebird than Wlatsnake's "Fool For Your Loving?" And it's an appropriate song too, since about 63-percent od Pitt fans have silently sung it to themselves while throwing away the season ticket renewal form since 1988.

It's not often that we here at Panther Rants have anything nice to say about Comcast. It seems every year the cost of having cable and high-speed internet goes up 10-percent. And every year they seem to have a new excuse for the cost increases: technology, fuel prices, the cost of health care for employees, dog ate my homework, etc. Pretty soon, it'll be cheaper to lease a Buick than it will to have anything more than basic cable.

However, in the case of the cable provider telling the Fat 10 Network to piss off, we must raise a frosty mug in appreciation. The newly created network, with less than six weeks to go before college football season begins, still has yet to ink a deal with the cable television providing giant. Why? Well, for starters, the Fat 10, in it's finest example of it's well known arrogance, wants to charge the cable provider $1.10 per each subscriber that the channel reaches, a cost that will be passed along to consumers. A bargain for a Fat 10 alum that loves watching college swimming, gymnastics and wrestling (which is what most of the programming will be) but not so much for people who (a) didn't go to a Fat 10 school (b) don't care about Fat 10 sports (c) don't care about college sports at all (d) Don't like any sports, college or pro. An unscientific poll done by the Panther Rants staff has concluded that this is approximately 91-percent of the country.

And really, why would anyone wanna watch this channel? First off, they'll be broadcasting the games that no one else wants. ABC gets first dibs on marquee games, followed by ESPN and ESPN2. The Fat 10 network is then fourth in line. So basically, the network will have every game you've ever wanted to see Indiana play on Saturdays. And Sunday through Friday you'll have the joy of watching Fat 10 bowling, billiards, gymnastics, tiddlywinks, softball and the best damn pick-up sticks in the country.

Quite frankly, we at Panther Rants cant figure out why this unproven commodity feels the need to hold anyone hostage for it's unproven product. The more appropriate business model for the Fat 10 Network would be to tell cable providers, "take our channel for nothing and we'll make our money off of the advertising." But, as well all know, this is the Fat 10 Conference that we are talking about. A conference where the imperiousness of it's fans, alumni and administrators knows no boundaries. A conference that sneers at playing games on Thursday nights, yet Minnesota once played a home game against Michigan on a Friday.

So again, we here at Panther Rants applaud the folks at Comcast for not holding it's customers hostage for the whims on some overly-inflated egos in Chicago. And we encourage others to do the same. It's about time someone tell these stuffed shirts and bellys where they rightfully belong.

Lastly, we wonder what the NCAA's stance is or should be on one conference having it's own television network? We'd think that every Fat 10 team being on television somwhere would give the conference of slow white boys a distinct recruiting advantage over the other major conferences. Surely Myles Brand will release a statement on the issue just as soon as he's finished patting himself on the back for running Bob Knight out of town when he was the president at Indiana.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Dallas, TX - We here at Pantherrants receive countless emails regarding Wlat. Since his dismissal from TreehuggerU, many of the inquiries are regarding the whereabouts of our former leader.

Therefore, to keep all of our excited readers updated, we request that you all notify us via email if you happen to see Wlat. We will call this feature, "Wlatspotting," and look forward to your participation. The qualifications for entry are a sighting plus a photo.

Starting things off, Dan from Texas emailed us a recent Wlatspotting in Dallas. Dan, being the big buttrock fan he is, had a big weekend scheduled to see ZZ Top. Reports state that Wlat was the guest of honor for the boys and was even allowed on-stage for some dancing. The included picture shows Wlat having a great time at the after-hours party. Many acts of debauchery took place; we rest assured not a single hooker went home without having blow snorted of her pretty little backside. Rumors suggest the band is considering a name change to ZZ Wlat but we can not confirm at this time.

Monday, July 16, 2007

We at Panther Rants have become completely infatuated with a poster known as Corporate Panther.

It's not so much that we like him; truth be told, we think he's what Pitt already has too much of - big-money old asses who would rather complain about people cheering at athletic events rather than getting the fuck off his hands and cheering.

That said, our infatuation persists. What we love about Corporate Panther is his level of arrogance which can't be matched by such notable elitists like PITT_LAW and SVPanther. That, my friends, is braggable.

Today, Corporate Panther and his "Golden Circle" clingons have decided that they are disgusted with Pitt fans and their behavior on message boards. Thanks for finally catching on 10 years too late.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Pitt Basketball is in talks with another shoe company as they are rumored to get out of their contract with Adidas. Pitt is looking for a much better deal. So far, the AD has been talking with Pro Wings, AVIA, LA Gear, and British Knights. We’ll have more information on this as this story develops

Pitt Stop for Sale

Chas Bonasorte, the Kamikaze Kid, has been selling his merchandise around the Cathedral for many years and is looking to call it quits. The Pitt Stop has been a success since Chas’ “The Chas Bar” in Hazelwood until it burnt down many years ago. Chas has been attending classes and is looking to move to North Carolina to sell his line of Pharmaceuticals. Stay tuned for named brands of Niagra, Clialus, Bantac, and Draxil to hit the shelves soon at discount costs.

Pitt-Navy to be rescheduled

After the Penguins released their home schedule for 2007-2008, it seems one of their games is on the same night as Pitt plays Navy. Pitt is now in talks once again with Navy to reschedule the game. The game was moved from Saturday due to the Star Trek convention being in town that weekend which means not a lot of the Pitt band will be in attendance. Pitt band declined comment and told us to get the hell out and that bandies don’t all like Star Trek. Maybe they’re Star Wars fans. We were afraid to ask that. One band member who goes by the bandie name of “Starfish” said “he’s very excited about the convention and will drop out of school if the game is moved back to Saturday”.

Chevy Dealer files lawsuit against Morris

Chevrolet is filing a lawsuit against Pitt’s strength and conditioning coach, Buddy Morris. Buddy recently made a deal with 1990 Lincoln to use this car for the Pitt Football. Before that, Morris was in talks with Chevy to use an old model Caprice Classic. Talks fell through and Buddy picked up the car and launched it through the dealership’s window. The dealership is seeking payment for damages to the car, a new window, and 10 dollar season tickets to hand out after each car purchased.

Zelda’s to Re-Open

The popular bar back in hey-days of most Pitt students, underage ones at that, is set to re-open this fall. There will be an “under 21” night and you must have photo ID to get in. Student discounts will be provided and trap doors will be installed for a better get-away.

Hollywood, CA - Executives from Warner Brothers Studios announced a unique development deal with the University of Pittsburgh. Spokesperson, Irving Liebowitz, stated, "Thanks to the hard work and effort of the good people of Pittsburgh, we are committed to using all of our resources to make a fantastic film."

Flanked by Liebowitz was William Strickland, Jr. of The Steeltown Entertainment Project. "We have worked hard over the years to bring the western Pennsylvania region into the entertainment industry. This is a big day for us. All of our hard work payed off when Warner Brothers approached us about doing a story involving former Pitt Head Football Coach, Wlat Harris with Steven Spielber directing."

Liebowitz continued where Strickland, Jr. left off. "Wlat Harris is a character of both comedy and tragedy. He's got market appeal. But he's also a very human personality that intrigues our audience. The film will be called 'Citizen Wlat. We have been wanting to do an updated version of Orson Welle's classic, 'Citizen Kane' and we could not think of a better person to base the epic on."

Pitt Athletic Director then discussed the project. "The original idea was to do a comic book type of film. We had decided on Thunderwlats, an adaptation of the 1980's television cartoon action series. Wlat was going to be half man, half panther leading his forces against the evil Mum-Ra, who would have been played by Joe Paterno. However, with the re-branding of Pitt's mascot to be a robotic, Jurassic period beagle, we could not go with a cat theme. Our branding is very important to us, of course. Even more so than winning, sales, and what our alumni and fans care about."

Director Steven Spielberg provided his vision for the upcoming epic. "It's a story that kids today aren't familiar with; but it's a story that needs told. And what character could better tell the tale than Wlat?" When asked about casting, Spielberg stated, "We are still in the early stages. However, we have Nick Nolte signed on to play Tom Freeman, merely for his ability to yell and holler for no apparent reason. The lead role of Wlat was a tough call. It came down to a large piece of wood and Chris Burke (Corkie from 'Life Goes On.') The large piece of wood is in many ways the best representation of Wlat. The lack of appendages, though, hampers the wood's ability to hold a clipboard. We tried gluing it on but it just didn't work. Nonetheless, we're happy to have someone like Corkie, I mean, Burke for the role. He matches Wlat in almost all ways."

Friday, July 13, 2007

PITTSBURGH (PR) -- University of Pittsburgh strength and conditioning coach Buddy Morris and the Lincoln Mercury divsion of Ford Motors Company announced a unique endorsement deal Friday.

Morris announced that Pitt football players will begin pushing the 1990 Lincoln Continental around campus as part of it's strength and conditioning program. Morris has been known for unconventional methods of conditioning, like pushing cars up Cardiac Hill, in the past. The "new" cars will be delivered to the UPMC South Side facility just as soon as they can be located in junk yards and transported on a rollback truck.

"I've always found vehicle pushing to be an effective means to teach pass blocking. And this car, given it's mediocre at best track record, was the perfect fit for us," Morris said in an exclusive telepathic interview with Panther Rants.

Built on the same platform as the Ford Taurus and Mercury Sable, the 1988 to 1994 Continental (pictured above) was intially regarded as a major accomplishment for American luxury car manufacturing when it was introduced. However, the car proved to be unreliable and expensive to maintain over time. Owners and dealers alike frequently complained about the vehicle's engine, transmission and automatic air ride suspension breaking.

"This car was a pain in the rear. You'd get the head gaskets fixed and then the rear air shocks would break and the ass end would drop to the ground. Then you'd get that fixed and the air conditioning would die. You never knew what was gonna happen next, but you knew it wouldn't be good...just like Pitt athletics. We feel this is a perfect marriage," said Dominic Chiapelli, director of public relations for the Lincoln division of Ford.

The car also won praise from head coach Dave Wannstedt.

"As you guys know, I love anything that takes me down memory lane and back to the 80's. The only thing that could have been better is if we'd signed a deal with Merkur. That car sucked, but I loved it!," Wannstedt said.

The press conference concluded with Morris and Chaipelli posing for photographs with the vehicle. Morris slammed his fist on the trunk and declared, "they don't make 'em like this anymore." Seconds later, a "pop" was heard and the front end of the vehicle began sinking.

Today on Butt Rock Friday, we go in another direction. You've probably heard this song many times listening to DVE or 97-Rock. Nothing like starting off your weekend with some lawyers, guns, and money.

PITTSBURGH (PR) - Panther Rants has learned, by way of a little birdie, that the Steve Pederson-introduced DinoCat and torch-cut Pittsburgh logo marble flooring at the entrance of Petersen Events Center will be taken off life support within the next week. Initial reports indicate that Pitt AD Jeff Long will be administering the euthanasia procedure to the dying breed of cat, which comes as a shock and mortal sin as viewed by religious right wing politicians and to DinoCat torch-cut fans spanning the nation.

The Reverend Jerry Falwell, coming to Panther Rants in a vision for a post-mortem interview, expressed the outrage of his Moral Majority constituents. "As good, honest, trustworthy Christians, we are absolutely appalled by this decision by the University of Pittsburgh Athletic Department," Falwell said. "We are currently gathering facts as to this situation and building a strong foundation to ensure that the DinoCat Torch-Cut Pittsburgh logo is kept alive. Besides, Jeff Long isn't even a doctor. He's actually legally incompetent...ah, **** it, he's retarded, so he really shouldn't even be an athletic director, let alone a doctor." Falwell added while taking a break from his latest issue of Penthouse and eating pudding. "DinoCat deserves to die by natural causes...which studies show it has been clearly doing since 1997."

Panther Rants will continue to provide up-to-date coverage on this developing story.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Pittsburgh --- The University of Pittsburgh revealed today that during the past six month most of the decision coming out of the Athletic Director's office were not the brainchildren of Jeff Long, but instead were issued by the Athletic Director's wife in light of Mr. Long's incapacitation. According to Pitt's SID, since December of 2006, Mr. Long has been in a tireless debate with a tub of oleo. "Mr. Long continued his debate during all of his waking hours, insisting that the dairy product, while tasty, was simply margarine, while the tub maintained its claim of truly being butter. This had completely occupied Mr. Long's time, essentially 24/7, since Christmas."

In a heroic effort to keep the spirits of the Pitt faithful buoyed, Mr. Long's wife opted to run the Athletic Department herself, shielding the public from Mr. Long's incapacitation. While few knew about the informal arrangement, many within the University community suspected something was amiss by some of the more recent decisions coming from the Athletic Department. "The first is when it was announced that over half of the Saturday games would be moved to weeknights because Mr. Long did not want attendance to suffer if the game conflicted with the hit CBS show "The Unit". Then when the University's logo was redesigned with puppy dog features in an effort to "cuten it up", we began having serious misgivings," the SID told the media. Mrs. Long revealed the truth after Mr. Long's dairy-based debate ended suddenly last week when the tub of margarine was destroyed by a bolt of lightning after being cautioned that it was not nice to fool with Mother Nature.

This is another new feature that we are offering up here at Panther Rants. Today we caught up with former Pitt Panther great and starting wide receiver Joe Delsardo. Joe was involved with one of the most spectacular plays in Pitt history. Against Rutgers, Joe pulled in a touchdown pass from Tyler Palko in which he had a vertical leap of 34 inches and pinned the ball to his helmet for a TD catch. Joe standing at 5’3’ inches tall made the play seem impossible, but in all reality a 6-foot tall player would have made it look easy. The play simply became known as “the catch”.

PR: So Joe what was the most memorable moment as a Panther?

JD: There were three. The catch, the day I received my scholly (I did not have to bring water the boys anymore or pick up jocks in the locker room) and the fact that Pittsburgh women dig Italians. When I made the catch, I was able to get as much tail as Chris Taft.

PR: Not too shabby for a slow white wide receiver. What are your thoughts on your two head coaches while you were at Pitt?

JD: Well, I was a starting wide receiver for Wlat Harris. I was a big time member of the team. Even though he was a disciplinarian the last year he was a wildcat. He just was chasing ass the last year. With Wanny, at first it was awesome we could do anything. The inmates were running the asylum. Then, everything changed and he became a total hard ass. Then I never saw the field again. So, yeah, I can’t stand the guy.

PR: Do you feel that you were made a scapegoat for the loss against Ohio?

JD: Definitely. I mean I didn’t throw the passes. I was where I was supposed to be but Tyler may have filleted Cav if he put the blame on him. I mean, I made Tyler look good so many times and now the blame was put on me. It’s just total BS.

PR: What are you doing now?

JD: I am involved with several entrepreneurial things. I am working with a company that sells iPods and the new iPhone. I also hooked up with a former Pitt great and fellow Paison, Chas Bonasorte. We are brokering a deal to have our merchandise sell at the Sheetz in Breezewood and in western Pennsylvania.

PR: Since you brought up iPods what was the rumor about the iPods and you when you were at Pitt?

JD: That was crap. I was just loading songs in for all of the fellas.

PR: C’mon Joe loading songs?JD: Yes so many of the guys are listening to rap, country or hard rock. I was trying to expose them to Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Perry Como, Tony Bennett and Luciano Pavarotti. They just got pissed that I put on great Italian music. Wanny wanted Frankie Yankovic. I said I don’t listen to no polkas dude. Then that was it I was suspended.

PR: What’s next for you?

JD: I currently am going to keep working with Chas, but Wlat Harris called me regarding a possible position with the Pittsburgh Passion.

PR: Coaching Joe with Wlat?

JD: Coaching! HEHEHEHEHE…. I said Wlat said a position. Nothing to do with coaching bro. Me and Wlat will ride again! That’s Amore!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Stillwater, OK - Former Pitt Head Coach, Wlat Harris, was brought to court today on several counts of mediocrity in football coaching. Authorities have stated that Wlat has committed several crimes against college football and must be brought to justice. Prosecutor, Barry Switzer, condemned Harris' gameplanning, play-calling, and overall performance as "kinda crappy." Switzer continued, "Yeah, he beat some decent teams. Hell, he beat Miami his first year. Then he turns around and loses to gat damned Temple the next week. Who does that? I just couldn't figure this guy out. He did some good things and I'm thinking, 'well he finally figured it out.' Then we see the implementation of some bizarre spread offense. He recruits Larry Fitzgerald but doesn't even bother with a defense." After pausing to put in another Skoal Bandit, Switzer continued, "I took to calling him Prez41 - he has some potential but at the end of the day, he's just an average slap."

Switzer then shouted out in the courtroom, "This guy seemingly didn't even cheat. I mean, what the hell is that? It's as if he WANTED to be mediocre." Judge George Perles thundered, "Mr. Switzer - you will know your place in this courtroom. By God in heaven, I know what it means to strive and achieve mediocrity. Do you think a career record of 68-67-4 just happens by itself, you dumb redneck?"

Harris was in attendance with his legal team. Lead Attorney, Rand Om Joo, provided the Not-Guilty Plea to Judge Perles. "You're honor, we deny these charges and condemn this prosecutorial witch hunt. By the way, Judge, you have to come over and have some of my wife's Matzah balls; they're to die for." Fellow Harris legal counsel, Ari Levine, stated, "Oh yeah, Judge, they're the best. But can we wrap this up, quickly? I'd hate to have to use another quarter on the parking meter outside."

Judge Perles stated that Harris must remain in custody until trial time, "So the local Denny's waitresses can finally get some damned rest." "We will choose the jury when I get a few minutes. I'm very busy this week; I've got all sorts of retarded projects that are nice, but largely useless, for MSU. My duties on the Board of Trustees is very important to me."

Pittsburgh --- Unless labor negotiations improve between Aramak and the International Brotherhood of Carnival Barkers, Spencers Gift Store Clerks and and Purveyors of Fine Entertainments (IBCBSGSCPFE), the home opener between Pitt and Eastern Michigan may be in jeopardy, according to University officials. "We had a star studded bonanza in place to supplement the action on the field, including the unfurling of the world's largest flag and having the game ball brought into the stadium by a man in a jet suit," Jeff Long said in a telepathic interview. "Unfortunately, that is all in jeopardy right now. And without the extra attendance that these attractions bring to what would otherwise be a unremarkable game, I doubt whether it would be worth playing the game from a pure economics standpoint."

Long said that he is scrambling to fill the slots with other attractions, but late August is the highwater mark of the county fair circuit and unbooked acts are few and far between. However, it does appear that the Kerry Livgren Project has an open date on September 1, and the possibility of unfurling the world's largest Slovokian flag has not been eliminated.

Monday, July 9, 2007

PITTSBURGH (PR) - Chase Clowser doesn't have it easy as a University of Pittsburgh offensive lineman. Not only is he big and slow and has no athletic ability, his condition of being a legally retarded cement head further hinders his on-the-field performance. Due to insurance reasons, Chase is required by the NCAA to wear a specially-designed helmet on the football field due to his condition. In doing so, Clowser is forced add unnecessary additional weight to his already thick head. Not to mention, at 330 lbs (on the Moon), Clowser needs to be constantly nourished while on the field. These odd circumstances created a mire of problems for the Pitt football equipment staff and for Clowser to play to his full Pop Warner potential..until today.

In an over-exuberant announcement made by the Pitt Athletic Director Jeff Long, a revolutionary helmet designed by the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center has been unveiled. "After minutes of hard work and planning by the AD and UPMC, we are proud to introduce this revolutionary helmet to the football industry," Long said at a press conference at Southside Steaks. "This helmet was designed in mind with horizontally and mentally challenged football players everywhere that we plan to recruit in the near future." The helmet itself is made of a thin, plastic shell with no padding inside in order to provide absolutely no added protection and weight whatsoever. The in-helmet nourishment system, however, is the newest specification that is sure to make headlines.

With a simple removal of the top of the helmet shell, players like Clowser who need to eat every 5 seconds can reach and grab their favorite treats. There is also a mouth-level compartment for eating during in-game situations. "Now Chase can miss blocking assignments and munch on his buffalo wings at the same time," Long added. Clowser, also in attendance, took a few breaths between bites of his 5 cheesesteaks to show his excitement for the new helmet. "Chase happy...yum yum yum...to get helmet with food and chicken wings," Clowser said. "Chase like eat and football, now Chase do both at once! Yum yum...cheesesteak good."

The helmet will be sold at participating Sheetz stores and Quaker Steak and Lube restaurants.

Former Pitt All-American BillMaas was arrested over the weekend on weapons and drug charges in Illinois, but Panther Rants has learned it may have all been an elaborate scheme.

According to an anonymous source inside the Pitt Athletic Department, Maas arranged to be arrested through an elaborate scheme that involved the Pitt AD as well as the Illinois state police. The idea, apparently, was another stroke of brilliant marketing conceived by the Pitt Athletic Department.

According to the Pitt source, marketing guru Chris Ferris had taken notice of all the attention West Virginia has received thanks to its infamous alumni Adam "Pacman" Jones and that receiver who plays in Cincinnati ... uhm, you know who we're talking about ... uh ... Chris Henry. Yeah, that's who it is.

Ferris and Long agreed that all publicity is good publicity and then went shopping for a patsy.

"Marino, Dorsett, Fitzgerald, hell even Goose was approached and they all turned them down," the Pitt source said. "Maas was hesitant. But when it came down to it, his love for the blue and gold and a 27-year-old hooker was enough to get him to agree. I mean, hell, what 44-year-old doesn't want the stories about his arrest to show he's still pumping much younger chicks?"

The plan backfired, to an extent, because the plot was only supposed to involve marijuana. Maas apparently forgot that he had his own stash of coke and "E" on hand and is now facing real charges in addition to the fake one.

"Long and Ferris were 'high-fiving' in the office over the weekend," the source said. "When someone pointed out that Bill would face real charges as well, neither seemed to be phased at all. They were just thrilled to see 'Pitt' and 'All-American' in the same sentence of an article that published nationwide."

Word has it that Long and Ferris even went as far to outfit Maas in a hat featuring the new "Hyena-Dog" logo for the staged (and real) arrest. The source said Ferris announced that the whole scheme played out "better than expected" and that Long said he was "pleased" with the results.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Having the Fourth of July in the middle of the week blows. I spent all day Tuesday pretending that it was Friday because I was off from doing nothing on Wednesday. Then Thursday rolls around and it feels like a Monday. Now it's Friday and, you know, feels like Friday. But the problem is, you know, that I did all of my slacking on Tuesday. So I don't even have the energy to do quality screwing off, because I already did it all.

Not to mention, who the hell's reading this blog this week? Anyone with anything that resembles seniority or free time has taken Thursday and Friday off and made it a five-day weekend. No one's reading this shit this week. Hell, no one reads this shit most weeks to begin with, and the reader numbers are less than that this week. So Wlat's taking the day off. he's gonna' surf the net for some Filipina porn and then probably take a nap.

Well, I will answer one question...

Dear Wlat,Why? Dear anonymous,

Why not? Think about it. If you could get away with it, wouldn't you do it too? If you could have no consequences fo any of it, wouldn't you consider it? Sure, you might have a moment where dignity gets in the way, but what is dignity but a ball of crap that's been shoved down our throats since birth. "Play by the rules, always do the right thing. Treat others the way that you'd want to be treated." Bleh, that's a Goddam homework assignment.

I say: cut corners whenever you can, slack off when no one's payin' any attention, and if you can foot wedge your golf ball into a more playable lie without offending anyone, by all means go for it. Life's too short to be bogged down by stupid shit like morality.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

San Jose - Wlat Harris was apprehended in a local strip club today by authorities. A warrant was issued by the court of College Football Mediocrity charging Mr. Harris with 4 separate charges: mediocrity in college football recruiting, mediocrity in college football gameday execution, mediocrity in football skank selection, and the most serious charge, first degree mediocrity overall as a college football coach.

Mr. Harris refused comment as he was taken into custody. His lawyer, Rand Om Joo, stated that Harris is not guilty and will fight all charges. Bail has been set at $600,000. An arraignment will take place as soon as possible at the nation's high-seat of football mediocrity, Stillwater, Oklahoma. Pantherrants will be keeping you updated on the developments as they unfold.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

The Staff here at Panther Rants would like to wish everyone who reads our site (all 11 of you) a very happy and healthy Fourth of July. Also, please be safe. If you're gonna' hold an M-80 in your hand and light it, make sure to put the beer down first. And please, if you're going to drink and drive, make sure to use the roads that are usually not congested and, therefore, less likely to have a sobriety checkpoint. Seriously, be safe. We can't afford to lose any loyal readers.

Naturally, it wouldn't be Independence Day at Panther Rants without something Red, Wlat and Blue. So enjoy the enjoy "You're a grand old Wlat," sung to the tune of "You're a Grand Old Flag."

Monday, July 2, 2007

Good evening, and welcome to the #1 show that dominates Pitt Athletics, the Mediocre Athletics Factor. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, making me a better fan than the rest of you slaps. Our Wlating Points Memo today deals with some of the bad news that has befallen Pitt fans recently, namely the crossing off of their list of Pitt by Terelle Pryor and Shayne Hale. Walting points understands the gnashing of teeth and howling that has been coming from all 13 of you who follow the recruitment of beefy man-studs. If you'll recall, our sponsor, Wlat Harris, was famous for not being able to land the stud blue-chip recruit. Hell, this is a guy who couldn't identify Justin King if he was in a lineup with a bunch of Metal Church cover bands (see right). And don't get us started on the glut of two-star fellatio performers that Wlat recruited to man the trenches. Yes, Wlating Points is all too familiar with recruiting failures. So Wlating Points has a suggestion. Embrace the mediocrity. Imagine the world of possibilities. We could be like Penn State and bastardize Marshall's famous chant. "We Are!".........."Mediocre!". We could replace Roc the Panther with Spicoli the Slacker. We've already got the AD in place to take us to Mediocreville with no layover. Make it happen, Panther faithful. Just Do It Half-Assed.

And that's tonight's Wlating Points Memo. Now our top story, was Jeff Long really the trigger man behind the death of Archduke Franz Ferdinand?

Sunday, July 1, 2007

North Side - Former Pitt head football coach, Wlat Harris, was spotted leaving the Pirates game yesterday. Along with approximately 1000 other fans, Wlat got up early in the game and left in protest. Pantherrants caught up with him later.

"Yeah, we got up and left that game. Ya know, a bunch of other folks, um, they got up and left too." When asked about his frustration with the Pirates, Harris stated, "Pirates? I don't know anything about that. All I know is I'm sitting there, enjoying the game, but there weren't any chics around. Some guy comes up to me and whispers that Hi-Tops has a hot new waitress. So I high-tailed it outta there as fast, ya know, as I could."

Pantherrants asked Harris if he was worried about being seen as a trouble-maker for the Pirates. Unfortunately, the interview was cut short as Wlat waved us away while doing body shots off a 21 year old skank wearing an air-brushed Whitesnake t-shirt."

Pittsburgh - University of Pittsburgh Athletic Director, Jeff Long, announced a new corporate partnership for the school's Athletic Department. A hastily called press conference was set for 8:47am today at the Starbucks on Forbes Avenue. Long stated, "I've come here to do two things: 1.) pay too much for crappy coffee and 2.) announce the athletic department's engagement with a great American organization."

Long then proceeded to butt in line in front of an old woman and harass the young barista. Afterwards, he continued, "We have decided to team up with the good people at Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus."

After scoffing at a hippie in his Birkenstocks, Long ripped off his shirt and jumped on the couch. "This Athletic Department has been trying it's best to act like clowns for quite awhile. We've done a great job but we need the experts. That's why we're bringing in Bozo, Mr. Hobo, and all their friends to teach us how to truly become elite in the area of jackassery."

Long closed the press conference by urinating in the pitcher of cream and whipping day old scones at street pedestrians.