My wife should not be the CEO of our house

Damien Willoughby has just had a light bulb moment. Despite being a hands on dad, and helping out around the house, he’s let his wife take on the ‘Mental Load’.

This story originally appeared on news.com.au and has been republished here with permission. By Damien Willoughby.

There is no true equality in my marriage. My beautiful, long suffering, amazing wife shoulders a lot! Please understand that I do stuff. Yes, there’s the standard, spider-killing, jar-opening, lawn mowing jobs that justify my ongoing involvement in the relationship. That aside, I’m pretty sure I actually do more stuff than many of my contemporaries.

But I now know it’s not enough. I, along with many other partners need to do more!

Thing is, if I did, I’m worried it would make things worse. Yeah, parenting, house holding, working, and if there’s any energy left over, relationshiping … it’s taxing and complicated. But the traditional roles of mothers and fathers needs to be blown out of the water, and a change in attitude and behaviour needs to happen now.

And yes, the following principles should apply to any relationship structure, irrespective of sexuality, gender or marital status/(sic) opportunity. If you have a partner in any incarnation, I think you’ll find something familiar here. I realised this after seeing the ‘You Should’ve Asked’ comic pop up in my feed.

The realisation hits

What a light bulb moment for this simple human … my wife is suffocating under “Mental Load”. And I’m doing little to relieve the pressure.

I’m helping, but at the wrong end of the process.I often refer to my wife as the CEO/CFO of the household. You know, the whole ‘who really wears the pants in the family’ vibe. It’s true, because she great at it! She knows when the money is coming in and where it needs to go. She’s much better at that stuff than me, so why should I try to meddle in the money and screw things up.

Let her control the purse strings.But for us (well … her) it doesn’t stop there. She oversees transport logistics, inventory, sanitation, OH&S, training, team building, public relations.

LISTEN: The juggle is real. (Post continues after audio...)

A lot of balls in the air there for the Domestic manager.

So where am I in this partnership? Not sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand with the other down my pants (Saturdays notwithstanding). I’m “Doing man”! I get told to do, and I do it! Helping in the “partnership”, right? Yeah, but I’m a drone, a minion, the muscle.

I devote next to no mental energy on forecasting. Sure I might be brought in to ‘discuss’ and help resolve an issue, but I certainly didn’t raise it. I subscribe to a Star Wars vibe; ‘Be mindful of the future, but not at the expense of the moment’. Which means I give zero effs until something is about to hit me in the face.

What I now understand is that right now, my wife has no mental space available right now, because ‘now’ is filled up with the future, all the time.My wife has tried to explain it to me in internet browser terms. ”I just always have so many tabs open all the time”.

And I see it. She’s always planning, thinking, worrying. I try and get in there, not as a husband, father, or drone, but as a best friend. Because she’s redlining all the time, she’s run out of memory … Error 404, Wife not found.

Mums just get on with it

I now realise I’ve been trying to pick the right time to connect, when she’s closed a few tabs, or at least minimised them. How stupid am I?! She hasn’t taken on this Mental Load because she’s good at it, better at it than me or loves to be in control, she’s doing what needs to be done because otherwise our family would just crumble.

Birthday presents wouldn’t be bought, bills wouldn’t be paid, kids wouldn’t be clothed. We’d have cereal for dinner.So what is it like in your relationship?

On failing to overtly delegate domestic duties to you, does she just take on the jobs herself; The Ultimate Household Martyr? Or alternatively, imposes her own expectations on you, just waiting for you to see the dishes, and loses her sh*t when you don’t? Pass-agg! God, if it’s such a big deal, “You Should’ve Asked”.

That’s it, bloke! Sit on your arse and blame the victim.How often are you proactively asking, “how can I help”? What more can you do? How can I be better for my family, for my partner, my best friend? It’s clear, Doing Man is not doing enough. It’s the route of the strain of our relationship. What more can I do in the real world to relieve the mental load? I’m asking.

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