How to talk to your teen daughter about sex?

Joy - posted on 09/11/2009
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11 moms have responded
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When she was 10 she asked & I gave her the basics...what a man & woman do when there in love. Now shes 13, has a "boyfriend" & tells me there's talk at school of other kids in her grade that have had sex already. Help please!

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Robyn - posted on 09/11/2009

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Well, I have went down the line and read what some of the other mothers on here have had to say and there are quite a few that approach things straight forward and to the point, that is how I was with my daughter who is now 17.

When she started junior high there were at least 5 girls in her classes that were expecting and most of them she had been in school with since 1st grade. I sat her down and told her about the different kinds of birth control and that if she ever felt that she wanted to get on birth control to come to me and I would take her to get it. I didn't want her going behind my back and getting it for herself, I wanted to be there for her every step of the way. Well, when she was 14 she met a boy that became her first boyfriend and within a couple of weeks of them dating I had made an appointment at planned parenthood for her because I could see what was going on, they were kissing and he left hickey's and I knew it was just a matter of time. Little did I know they had already had sex (protected thank god). Well, she has been on birth control now for 3 years and she is the one that reminds me when it is time for her shot. She and her first boyfriend broke up, and she has been with her current boyfriend for 16 months and she has never been pregnant, finished school a year early and has a full time job. So, I guess my point is...just be honest and straight forward with your daughter and things will go smoother than you think.

Not that anything you say or do will change anything.... but we sat down with my daughter and asked her questions.... told her that if she wants to have sex, make sure it is protected by him and her. We went over examples of what would happen if she were to have a baby.... Asked her questions about how she would support it, take care of it, work while still trying to get the education... We went over everything.... Now to our surprise, I have a 16 year old pregnant daughter who is due October 18th. All I can say is leave the door open.... Always allow her to ask questions and not be afraid to ask. BIRTH CONTROL!!!! I was stupid and would not let my daughter take birth control and look where I am now. Teens today are going to do what they want whether you advise them not to or not. Definately explain the consequences as far as diseases too. Be open about it all. And no matter what question she has, do not get offended or angry.... If you have to, after she asks the question, go take a breath and then discuss it.

11 Comments

My Children arent teenagers but I was one not to awfully long ago. So if figured I would give my opinion. I dont think a 13 year old girl is mentally ready for sex, but I do think that if a teenager wants to have sex whether you agree with it or not they will find a way. So I feel the best way is to be completely open and honest with any questions she might have and things she might not ask or be shy to ask. I think that educating her well on sex and other things like oral sex masturbation std's pregnancy birth control condoms and things of that nature are going to help her better than anything. I would say that peer pressure is for real but that doesn't means she has to have sex, and it is ALWAYS her choice. Once she is educated properly on things of sexual nature then just be there to listen because sex is usually not a topic talked about among kids and parents. It makes people feel uncomfortable so usually people steer away from that subject. Over all I think a well educated teenager , especially a girl, will make better judgments regarding sex.

All I can say is be open and honest, and try to make it as comfortable as possible, also super informative. The reason I am actually answering this question, as I have not had to cross this road yet, make sure you talk to her about masturbation as well. I know it may sound a little strange, but young girls who are comfortable that way with their bodies are less likely to have sex(their curiosity is a little squashed by doing it themselves). Make sure she knows it's natural, common, etc., etc.

My opinion, notice the word "opinion", because I wouldn't want you to do anything that you are not comfortable with. My mom, though I love and respect her told me strictly, NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE"! Of course, who listens to that. She is so young, but I forget that kids are doing this younger and younger! If this was me I'd tell my daughter that she is VERY SPECIAL! and to do something like that is VERY SPECIAL! It should be done with someone you love! You should save yourself for someone you love that you know you love! Not to mention, and let's be blunt because you have to be in this situation, if you get pregnant are you ready for something like that? What would happen if this boy had a disease? I'm sure he's told her that he hasn't been with anyone else but you don't know that for sure. I would just be totally HONEST with your daughter let her know whatever it is she needs to know, my mother did although we were still told no sex before marriage! Just make sure to let her know that she is a special person and that she doesn't have to do this to fit in that's what makes her that much more special!

First tell her that just because other kid are having sex do not mean it ok for her to have sex. Second if you are leting her have a boyfriend at 13 you need to talk about thing that have to do with sex ( Plan sex, Orel sex, and Group sex) I know you may think she to young but if she is telling you that kids are talking then give her the right answer not the one people want her to do. I started talked to my daughter at 12 if a movie come on and it had something to do with sex we would watch the movie and go over something from it she is now 20 in collage and still not having sex yet....

Sex is an ongoing conversation I have had with my daughter from the very beginning- I gave her info as age appropriate as was necessary at each stage. Now that my dd is 14 I face the same issues every mom faces in this situation, I completely agree with the approach "Betsy" below has stated. In addition you would want to know from her what she has learned in school by health teachers and peers so that you set the record straight and correct any confusion -we all know how accurate the info teens circulate is-- This will also give you an opportunity to impart your own family beliefs into the convo. The one thing I learned in talking with my dd about sex is she is much more forthcoming with the info she has "learned" if i tell her that my number 1 priority is her health and that she must not feel fear of punishment for anything she tells me and that I will not share what she tells me with ANYONE- this includes her father. We get alot questions cleared up and she actually feels better after we talk. Good luck to you as you embark on your own journey with your dd.

Okay..well I'll be the first to admit that my tactics aren't June Cleaver worthy, but hey whatever works. I've always been blunt and to the point with my children. I also chose to take advice from a very wise older woman in that I beat her to the punch. I act totally aghast with the idea these "teens" are being so irresponsible with their lives. Also adding that I'm so glad that she already in turn, knows that her body is hers ,respect, peer pressure ..blah blah.. you know the speech! I do give it. I just act like she already knew. When she (my then 12 year old now 14) asked me how it felt to have a baby I spared her no details. Labor is so fun to re-enact without the benefit of the pain. lol ... I also gave her and my son a run down on STD's. He told me at 4 he had over heard some kids (older of course) discussing sex. Well instead of freaking out that my baby heard such things I launched into" well you being a good friend should let them know you can get diseases from all that foolishness..I hope they were protected!" speech. Hence my 4 yr old knew what herpes and condoms were. When we got home he bolted out of the car yelling for those boys, yelling "You guys better have condiments!" lmbo Even my daughter until this day laughs and says unprotected "no way herpes is like luggage you carry it around with you forever." For the record they know I don't condone pre-marital sex, my children know this. Yet I am realistic and I know it may happen. There is not only talk in my area of babies having babies sissy came home 3 times her last year in Jr. high with news of somebody expecting! No acting I am aghast and thankfully so was my daughter. The high school she is now attending has a daycare on campus for the young mothers as well. This in itself has so many possibilities for conflicting opinions. The truth of the matter is you do your best and hope that it's good enough. Each child is so different and to approach them all in the same manner is not conducive to raising a strong willed, self confident, independently happy adult.

I try to listen more than talk now with my 16 year old daughter. I have talked with her over the years about different things when it came up about sex...trying to be calm and collected. So she is very comfortable with bringing up anything. She knows I'm not going to freak out. (At least not on the outside!!) I gave her the same advice that my Mom gave me (and worked!) She said, I am not saying that you HAVE to wait until you are married to have sex....but I want you to think about something. If you are in a position that you might be thinking about taking that step....stop and think....in 10 years you are going to see that boy at your class reunion....and it's going to be the first thing both of you think of when you see each other. If you feel you can look him in the eye, hold your head high, not feel embarrassed or ashamed...then maybe it's o.k. to do it. If you think you might feel funny about it, embarrassed or ashamed....I wouldn't do it. I went to my class reunion 10 years later and held my head high and I believe my daughter will do the same.

Its tough I have 3 Teen girls of my own and I have sat with them and disscused alot of adolescent problems with them actually to the point my 17 yr old tals to me about anything sometimes I want to go into shock but I know if theres something she can talk to me. One thing you need to try to drill into there head is that there body is theres and no matter what others say peer presure is always going to be there but they are in charge of there body and if someone really cares about them they wont force them to do anything against there will and will respect what they decide and maybe 13 is to young for some of this but they know more than we did when we were younger wether we want to admit it or not I have one that is 14 and she has a boyfriend and I have told her you want to remember when you make a decision you dont want others in your school thinking your easy or cause guys like girls that are easy but only for a short while but they wont like them in the right way In the end a good girl should be able to find an honest and good guy. these are things you can let her know in your own way where you can sit down and understand each other and remember she probably knows more than you think and try to not get upset with her and listen to her so she can trust you and come back to talk again they listen more than you think Good Luck Hope I could help