My Mother (88) moved in with us almost 2 years ago and my husband wants her gone. What am I supposed to do?

She has been in an Assistant living, Independent living, her own apartment and now with us all in the past 8 years after a fall in which she never bothered to recouperate from. She put herself in a wheelchair and everyone waits on her. She won't sell her home in Florida and it is bleeding her savings also. She went 17 years without a word spoken to my husband and even called my by my maiden name for those same years. Has some dementia, delusions and mental illness. Brothers house isn't suitable due to stairs. And, like I said, has wasted her money on her empty house. It is not working out with her living in our home. But she is an unreasonable person who pouts and cries and doesn't listen to anything anyone else has to say.

Answers

Only child daughter of a bi-polar mom with other personality disorders and dementia chiming in here.

You are a grown woman. You need to enforce your adult boundaries, yes, even with your mother. Especially with your mother. You would not let another person behave like this to you (I hope), and mom is no exception.

The time for mom to be in charge of decisions and other people is over. You must now assume that role. Mom's job now is to age without responsibility. It's your job to ensure law & order, peace & harmony, safety & security for you, your family, and mom.

Like the others have said, you need to take some control here. It's OK, we give you permission. We've all had to do it ourselves. It is totally possible if you are willing to embrace that role.

My mom, being a narcissist and controlling borderline personality, was so angry with me for going off to college, and then getting married to a guy in another state and living there for 20 years. I was supposed to stay home, sit at her knee, and listen to all the ways I've been a disappointment to her, while doing all the chores. No way in **** was I up for that. She was also angry that I didn't consult her before having children, deciding a profession, or really everything.

When mom's dementia advanced and she was not safe alone, we put her in a care facility near my house. It was not up for discussion. But I had DPOA and could be a little bit more directorial than if I didn't.

Court appointed guardianship is very expensive and difficult to get. It will run you $4,000-6,000 if it's uncontested. That is paid out of her funds, not yours.Becoming a formal guardian/conservator means you will have restrictions and oversight on every little thing you do. Selling a home is a complete nightmare as a guardian because of the court petitions & attny fees involved. Doing so as a DPOA is infinitely easier. (Wish I knew that a year ago....)

If you don't have DPOA, you will have to pursue guardianship through the state court. You will need a guardianship/elderlaw attorney. There will be forms to complete, a doctor's assessment to provide, medical records, and a host of proof it's necessary. Mental health judges or judge referees see tons of these cases every single day, so this is not a new concept for them. The mechanics of getting the guardianship vary by state, so I can't be more specific than that. You'll have to do your own research. Being extremely organized will help.

A word to the wise...you no longer need to disclose every detail about every action you are going to perform to mom. She does not need to know if you are pursuing guardianship. It will just make your life more hellish. You have to do what must be done, in an ethical way that preserves your ability to get it done.

Your loving decisions have to stop being guided by unreasonable pouts and cries. Why do you think your mother can or should still be in charge of your lives when she is developing dementia and struggles with mental illness? She does not sound like she can be in charge of her own life much longer. Get an eldercare attorney and get things moving. You want to respect and honor her because she is your mother, even though she failed to respect your marriage, but this is one of those times when "honor" does not mean "obey, and cater to every whim no matter what it costs everyone in the long run." Honor her, find her good care, and stop letting her run the show in to the ground - she has lost her abilities to reason and act rationally, and desperately needs someone else to take over for her, as gently and respectfully - but FIRMLY - as possible.

She needs Guardianship, she is not making good decisions with money. You also ask she be placed in a nursing home as part of the hearing. She needs to be out of your house. No one should be disrespected in their own home. This is a case where the elder is abusing the son-in-law.

Susan, what was the reason that your Mother moved in with you both to begin with? Was it her fall? She could have stayed in her own home and hired professional caregivers to take care of her. Caregivers don't mind waiting on her hand and foot because they can leave at the end of their shift and someone else takes the next shift.

If your Mother runs out of money, she can apply for Medicaid, and Medicaid will pay for her care in a nursing home, and attach a lien on her home in Florida. If your Mother isn't thinking clearly and you have Power of Attorney over her finances, sell that house otherwise it could start to become a money pit sitting empty.

Hope your Mother has an extra homeowner rider on her home because it is vacant, otherwise if something happens to the home and the insurance company finds its been sitting vacant without their knowledge, you might have issues recouping the money.

You're going to have to make a choice between your Mom or your husband. How much do you value your marriage? Does Mom have dementia? It sounds like she may. How old is she and how old are you guys? This could go on for years. It's gonna have to go one way or the other.

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