What are my “unmet expectations”? At first, I looked at the question in terms of my relationship and my life with my SO. Now, I have a pretty nice life-especially when I start thinking of so many who are suffering in this world. But, having said that there are some things in which I feel are unfullfilled. For example, we live in a condo. That we rent. We have been here 12 years. The unit is really nice and has a beautiful view over a canyon. We have great neighbors within the condo community and the neighborhood is really nice. I’d say upper middle class. We rent for a couple of reasons-the main reason being that my SO has two houses in London that he rents out and doesn’t want to sell. He will not buy a property with a mortgage. Where we live, while it needs upgrading after 12 years, is comfortable. and, again, better than probably most people worldwide live in. My SO is perfectly happy with this situation. I, on the other hand, want a house-or at least a duplex. I want a little yard-to garden in, hang my hammock in, let my dog play in. I want a garage for storage and an extra refrigerator. I want to own or be buying a house instead of putting money in someone elses pocket. And so, at times I get really resentful about not having all of that. I have realized that it’s an unmet expectation of mine. When I started thinking on it, I asked myself where did this expectation come from? The honest answer is that it did not come from my SO. He has never opined on having all of the above-or indicated that it’s really important to him. We never had a talk at the beginning of our relationship setting out like-minded goals and values in this area. Yes, if we had the spare cash (who the fuck has that laying around?) we’d buy a place. And again, I do know that he will not buy something unless he can pay for it all at once. So, my expectation did not come from him. It’s not like he led me on.

I suppose this unmet expectation came from my parents. From the cultural and societal way that I was raised in. Although I do know that many people-an aunt and uncle of mine-have rented all of their lives. Especially if they live in cities like New York or London.

So this then led to me questioning what other unmet expectaions do I have in my life? It also leads to the question about the difference between unmet and unrealisticexpectations. The fine line between the visualization process necessary to create and obtain a goal and outright unrealistic fantasy..There’s the expectation that if you keep your head down, work hard and are honest, a person will make a decent living and have a decent retirement income. There’s also the expectation that if you lead a healthy lifestyle you won’t get sick. These things are true for some and unfortunately not for others. Of course then I also had to consider that Kharma is involved as well. (this is my own personal belief).

What I concluded-in my ongoing analysis of this-is that yes, I can see why unmet expectations can result in the breakdown of a relationship. At the same time, I also see that, at least in my case, it’s about projecting these expectations onto someone else-without them even knowing about it. Someone who may have absolutely no idea that they are expected to fulfill these expectations. It’s about assumming that someone else has the same desires and values as I do. Back to the “illusion is for disillusion” thing again.

Of course then I had to look at this whole thing in terms of alcohol and my relationship with booze. Whoa!! Talk about unmet expectations! Not that I ever particularly or consiously thought about what I actually expected from booze or that bottle of wine other than to relieve the stress or take the edge off or enhance the situation (I’m feeling great! Better have a martini to celebrate!) or whatever… Not much consciousness going on about what kind of expectations I had in that area of my life. Except when things got to the point that I knew booze wasn’t fulfilling anything in my life except for creating a huge bottomless pit of guilt and self hatred. Yes, at that point, I knew to what to expect after drinking a bottle of wine or a couple of cocktails. Did I say a couple of cocktails? As if it would only be a couple! Even so, knowing what to expect, I kept on doing it-for years. Torturuing myself on a daily/nightly basis. Until I stopped. Now, knowing what to expect is what keeps me from drinking. When I do have a thought or a passing urge-which is seldom- I can take myself through the whole process-realistic visualizing-and know that I no longer want to get caught up in the whole downward spiral that I was once in.

My objective now, in terms of unmet expectations, is to try to be conscious and aware when something comes up. To ask myself if I am in fact, being let down by another person-or if I’m being unrealistic in my expectations ofsomeone else. Am I expecting something from someone who isn’t even aware that they are supposed to be in sync with me? Expecting someone to be a mind reader in a sense as well as having the same expectations and desires as I have.

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10 thoughts on “Unmet Expectations”

You navigate this topic of expectations beautifully. They are a killer aren’t they? I’ve heard they are inversely proportioned to my happiness. As they go up, my happiness go down. I’ve worked hard to manage them in a decent way. I love the message of this post. OK with being OK. It’s beautiful and simple. Thank you.

I think one reason expectations remain unmet is that we never actually articulate them.
I know I have often with others acted differently, but never asked them to.
When I eventually complained they were shocked. They never knew. They couldn’t read my mind!

It is important to take time to process what our expectations actually are. Your SO might surprise you if you start a discussion on how and why you live where you do.

Thank you for the comment-My SO does know my feelings- but it’s not his thing-especially right now with the GBP effected by Brexit coupled with the political situation here in the US. But I get what you’re saying-oftentimes we don’t really put things out there-or out there clearly enough so that the other person is really hearing what we are saying.

Whew, that was awesome to read. Really gave me some things to chew on. It took me years but once I stopped trying to take unmet expectations from marriage 1 and push them into marriage 2, my whole perspective turned around. I love the unmet vs unrealistic expectation difference. I have found that when I can identify an unmet expectation and come to terms with the fact that, in order to preserve other things I also value, I must let it go because it is really now an unrealistic expectation, I feel lighter all over in my soul. To answer your question, my example is: by having marriage 1 fall apart, I had an unmet expectation that I could have “the perfect little family”. I kept wanting more of a family in marriage 2 but that was unrealistic given that hubby 2 and son just aren’t cut from the same cloth. Finally coming to term with this, grieving the perceived loss, and changing my expectations helped immensely. These two get along fine, respect each other, are kind to each other….but they might not ever be “buds” especially because hubby 1 is still active with his son. And that is ok. And I am happier now. Loved the analogy to booze though as well. I’m going to give that some more thought.

My unmet expectations revolve around a life of vacations, travel, fun. I perceive that everyone in life EXCEPT me lives that kind of life. I know that is far from true. I am blessed, have a comfortable home, good family so why am I always thinking there must be more. Eckhart says it is part of the ego wanting to escape from the present moment, thinking happiness lies somewhere out there in the future. I do it often. When I do sit down and embrace the moment I am happy, content but as soon as I take my eyes off that the wanting begins all over again.

I am careful about expectations, as they can form into resentments. There are different kinds of expectations, as you so clearly lined out. I mean, when I go Starbucks, I expect them to make the drink that I order. I expect them to charge me. I expect the coffee to be hot, etc. Now, as one person mentioned here, I also have to be clear with what my needs are as well. I have never been the best at that. I was crushed to find out that people couldn’t read my mind, so asking for what I need is a challenge at times, but necessary. Now, how people react to those needs, well that’s another thing. I have been married 22 years and we are still working on the needs / expectations things in smaller ways. I think conversations are important, and obviously things change, and we need to address them. Doesn’t mean everything works out, but at least our cards are on the table.

I expect only two things from my husband, support in my sobriety and fidelity. I don’t expect him to ‘complete me’ or make me happy, that is just crazy talk. My unmet expectations are more to do with myself. My unfulfilled potential and what a life might look like where I’m not playing it so small. Great post, it’s really something to ponder.

About Me

I am a 60 plus year old (how is that even possible?!) woman who has had a dysfunctional (is there any other kind?) love affair with alcohol for many years. I am educated, well traveled, and ran a very stressful business for many years. Alcohol was with me every step of the way.
The bottle has now been emptied and I have taken the leap into sobriety.
This is my account of trying to come out from under the influence.
Please feel free to contact me at:
freefallingsober@gmail.com

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