The iMan, due to be shipped starting November, are healthy, smart, charismatic, athletic and completely dreamy men whose primary goal in life is to please their ladies.

“It helps that the iMan models are also good-looking,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at the launch, much to the delight of the mostly female audience. “Just like any other Apple product, we’ve made sure that the iMan is something you’d be proud parading around and displaying while you sip your lattes.”

The first-generation smart man joins the barrage of hyper-innovative smart phones, smart tablets and smart wearables that analysts say would not only satiate the hunger of Apple fans around the world who have been waiting for ‘the next big thing’, but also serve to boost the company’s performance after losing ground to rivals Samsung and new entries from China.

Pinching the pecs of one iMan on stage to display the absurdly handsome features of the shiny product, Cook said that each iMan was designed to the strict specifications of what women look for in the idea of a ‘perfect man’.

“Of course, what each woman want in men might be different, so we approached the iMan design with a mixture of top-of-the-line core features, plus unparalleled customisation.

“The iMan comes in the standard peak age-range of 25- to 40-years old, but you can have your iMan in white, black, beige, pale, brown or anything in between. You can pretty much custom-order your iMan to be of any ethnicity and skin colour. Heck, you can even order your smart-man to resemble almost any handsome celebrity — we’ve got a template of over 1,500 hot men from around the world,” said Cook, adding jokingly that he may be on the list too.

Other than being super smart, considerate and good natured as being standard, the iMan comes in three variants, the iMan ‘e’, ‘b’ and ‘m’.

“The ‘e’ stands for ’emo’,” said Cook. “This variant has high sensitivity and emotional intelligence quotient, so expect this iMan to understand your every feeling. We designed this model for women who seek an emotional equal. You can chat about virtually anything all night long and he won’t turn into a zombie like most regular guys do.

“The ‘b’ model is all about brains. Some women are stimulated by highly intelligent men, so this variant, while still being completely wonderful as a life partner, will thrill you with his genius mind. However, to avoid this iMan to turn into a total geek or smart aleck that might turn you off, you can adjust the iMan b’s intelligence setting, between ‘Top Student’ to ‘Stephen Hawking’.

“The ‘m’ model in the meantime, focuses on machismo,” Cook added, flexing his own arm muscles. “This iMan is all about brawn and strength, yet still retaining the sensitivity of your dream man.

“Think of it as your personal Hercules in touch with his feminine side.”

Cook said that the iMan, with prices starting at US$499, comes with 20 hours of battery life, depending on usage. “We’re working to extend the active time of each iMan of course, but if you think about it, the iMan is still better than a regular man who typically needs 8 hours of sleep every day. It’s an ongoing innovation process.

“Additionally, we’re working to add more features to future models, such as the ability to make money and be nice to in-laws. So while currently you’d have to pay for his meals and sustain his lifestyle, iMan 2 will be completely self-reliant, and may even support your household income.”

KUALA LUMPUR — With the general election date looming, Opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim today said that Pakatan Rakyat’s drive to take over Putrajaya is in full swing. However, he stated that should that goal not be met, the coalition, comprising PKR, DAP and PAS, would be happy to capture Cyberjaya instead.

“We understand that with all the campaign money spent by the other side, it’s an uphill battle to wrestle Putrajaya from Barisan Nasional,” said Anwar at the campaign headquarters in Kelana Jaya to reporters. “What more with constituency demarcations and other naughty things that happen during the elections, we’ve certainly got the odds stacked against us.

“So our strategy is two-prong: should Putrajaya fail, our Plan B is to take its next-door neighbour, Cyberjaya,” he said confidently, as his lieutenants nodded in unison. “It may not be as glamorous as Putrajaya, but it has its charms.”

“Cyberjaya has some good-looking buildings and road designs. I think the Shell building, with its futuristic theme, looks awesome. And the MDeC office building — its homely atmosphere is absolutely a bliss,” he said, showing some A3-sized photos of iconic structures in the IT hub.

“Fine, Putrajaya has a big lake and a bunch of fancy bridges littering the city, but really, who needs a huge lake with bridges? And Alamanda mall? Cyberjaya’s got Street Mall, baby!” said Anwar, referring to the cluster of various stores comprising Hassan’s Cafe mamak shop, Gomez Polyclinic, Kyros Kebab, Penang Cafe and the odd sundry shop, telco distributor, art shop, print shop, laundry service and other eateries. “And with more shopping centres and office blocks coming up such as de’Pulze, Shaftsbury and Sky Park, it’s a thriving place to be seen at.”

Anwar also pointed out the difference between the Putrajaya population and the residents of Cyberjaya. “While Putrajaya may have the clean-cut family community, Cyberjaya is filled with young and energetic students, thanks to Limkokwing University of Creative Technology, Multimedia University and a few other colleges. This is not counting the young technocrats that make up the population. For goodness sake, Cyberjaya’s got TWO Starbucks within walking distance to each other!,” he enthused.

Answering a reporter’s question about what he’d do if Pakatan fails to capture even Cyberjaya, Anwar gave a firm answer, “Well, there’s always Petaling Jaya, Subang Jaya, TTDI Jaya or even Bertam Jaya, which was formerly known as Batang Berjuntai. So, there’s plenty of options for us. We’re very confident of capturing at least one of those.”

NORTH POLE — For ages, children around the world were led to believe that the toys Santa Claus left in their stockings on Christmas mornings were lovingly made by his merry elves.

However, that belief was blown away to pieces today when giant toy store franchise Toys ‘R’ Us revealed that it had been supplying most, if not all, of the jovial Christmas icon’s gifts for the last decade.

In a written statement, Chairman and CEO Gerald Storch said that the company was no longer willing to ‘hide the truth’ from the world and ‘continue living an ugly lie’ by letting Santa Claus take the credit for the high quality toys children get every Christmas morning.

“The orders for the latest toys started coming in from North Pole in October 1997,” said Storch. “We at Toys ‘R’ Us were naturally ecstatic at first. Which company wouldn’t like a big corporate buyer knocking on their door?

“As the orders continued and grew the following years, so did our bank accounts. We did wonder who was behind these orders, since the company bought through an agent, who only stated that the buyer was a foundation set up by a ‘well-respected and jolly philantropist’ who ‘loved kids’. He was a very prompt paymaster, so we never bothered about the details.

“However, as we began receiving reports that children around the world were getting ‘more hip and trendy’ toys in their stockings from Santa, unlike the usual traditional ones made of wood, tin and cloth he delivers, our suspicions grew.”

“We contacted some of the children who reported that they got uber-cool toys — which they had actually asked for in the wish list they sent Santa — and purchased their toys for investigation. The results were both stunning, and disappointing.

“We discovered that the toys were the ones we sold to our North Pole buyer, but only repackaged and had their logos stripped off. Even the serial numbers were scaled off. However, via the serial numbers found on the inner parts of some of the toys, we determined that the toys were from us.”

Storch said that the company’s board of directors were then faced with a moral dilemma — while Santa’s actions were very healthy to Toys ‘R’ Us’ balance sheets, it was an ‘outright deception’, and ran against the company’s principles.

“In the end, we decided that money is not as important as preserving the honest spirit of Christmas,” said Storch. “We had to make this public, even if we risk losing this big account.”

Toys ‘R’ Us would not reveal how much the Santa account is worth, but sources say that it ran into billions a year.

A spokesman for Santa Claus Inc, in response, said that it was not a deception, but simply ‘a new business model, in line with a global strategy deemed necessary in the new millennium’.

Chief communications officer Elf Rowan said, “Santa Claus would like to state that he sees nothing wrong with subbing out the manufacturing process of his toys to other parties, to improve efficiency and keep up with the times.

“He realises that the kids these days demand more from their toys, and acknowledge that his own toy factory, manned by millions of hardworking and merry elves, was not able to produce such electronic and digital products, and cope with the rising number of children worldwide. He saw, and still sees, no harm in sourcing out, as long as the quality is high and the kids are happy.”

Elf Rowan refused to say if Santa would stop buying from Toys ‘R’ Us, in light of this revelation.

“Santa will have the whole of next year to evaluate the current situation. He will make a statement at a much later date.”

Toy manufacturers Hasbro and Mattel, when contacted, said that they were not concerned about whom the kids get their products from.

“As long as our high quality, super-cool and uber kick-ass toys fly off the shelves and make our customers happy playing and learning, we’re okay,” they said, in a joint statement.

COAST OF JAPAN — Was it an accident? A hero’s overenthusiasm in figthing anything seemingly evil to save humanity? Or was it a case of a superbeing’s indifference to the environment and the planet?

Whatever the reason, Ultraman, Japan’s 200-foot superhero, self-proclaimed saviour of humanity and protector against evil, is in trouble for killing a rare breed of giant crocodile, which migrates to the island nation every 76 years to lay eggs. The incident happened yesterday, as the crocodile, lovingly dubbed by locals as ‘kyodai-na wani’ (giant crocodile) approached the shore from its deep-ocean habitat.

The unfortunate event began when the 250-foot, 550-tonne benign beast broke the water surface approximately 850 feet from the beach at 5.13pm. An American tourist, obviously ignorant of the local wildlife and legendary creature, panicked and called the authorities, erroneously describing how ‘a giant monster is coming to devour Tokyo’. The call naturally went up to the Japanese chapter of the global agency assigned to tackle sinister alien and giant monsters, a special police force known as the Science Special Search Patrol, or SSSP, which has a close working relationship with Ultraman.

However, unlike what is stipulated in SSSP’s S.O.P. (standard operating procedure), which demands that alien or giant visitors be granted ‘friend or foe status check’ before any action is taken, the agency immediately called its Ultra-being friend and the crocodile was methodically attacked and violently killed before it could begin laying its eggs.

MERCILESS: A picture taken by a horrified Japanese passerby

“If the SSSP had followed procedures, they would have found out that the crocodile was harmless,” said Tokyo governor Shintaro Ishihara. “Anyone with a little knowledge of history and an ounce of respect for nature would simply have done a background check with the city’s administration office — or even the library — and seen that the gentle creature visited the shore every 76 years or so simply to lay eggs, and not to destroy anything, like many of the usual monsters who visit us.

“But look what happened now. They killed kyodai-na wani, one of the very few left of its kind in the world. Just like that. Like many denizens of this great city, I’m very angry.”

Captain Muramatsu, head of SSSP Japan, confirmed that ‘a breakdown in process flow’ had resulted in the killing of the friendly giant.

“My team had just returned from a fierce battle with a gigantic mutant lobster in north Honshu in the morning, and was not in any state to fight another giant monster in the evening. The guys were tired, and immediately summoned Ultraman when the call came,” said Muramatsu. “I’m not offering any excuse. They should have checked first before calling Ultraman. But really, I wouldn’t blame SSSP. We cannot control Ultraman or what he does when he ‘deals’ with the alien or monster threat.

“Whatever the case, I promise a thorough investigation.”

The agency has a long record of letting their alien partner settle their giant problems in the past. It is believed that this year alone, Ultraman disposed of 38 out of 41 hostile visitors who wreaked havoc in the city.

“Ultraman is nothing but SSSP’s hired killer,” said Hitoshi Kobu, founder of Save the Monsters, an NGO that has been fighting for giant rights for the last 30 years. “He himself is a destroyer, not a saviour. Like a rabid rottweiler, his first instinct is to kill, and what could be better than getting a target once or twice every month, courtesy of the SSSP? And now, we’ve got a dead giant crocodile, a gentle and lovable soul whose only motive was to precreate.”

Kobu said that this was not the first time Ultraman was involved in a ‘friendly fire’.

“In 1994, a giant squid broke the water surface near Kobe after losing its bearing. It approached a passing cruise ship to ask for directions, but the ignorant people called the SSSP instead.

“The rest, well, we all remember the story. The bay had to live with the black ink from the innocent squid for the next three months.

Kobu said that for the longest time, his organisation has been saying that the SSSP was more interested in a monster killing spree than respecting life. He also added that he suspected that one of the SSSP operative could be Ultraman himself.

“We’ve had inside information that a certain ‘Officer Hayata’ was actually Ultraman, but when we tried to verify this lead, the contact person inexplicably disappeared.

“But think about it. If Ultraman was directly working for SSSP, then obviously the agency has a policy of destroy first, talk later.”

Governor Ishihara, meanwhile, said that the city would have a tough time dealing with the loss of the giant crocodile.

A GREAT LOSS: Japan's Coast Guard investigating the remains of the giant crocodile

“Cleanup will be the least of the problem. We’ve been cleaning one giant carcass every month, so we’re OK there,” said the governor sadly.

“It’s the loss of a national treasure. Yes, there are reportedly four giant crocodiles left in the world, but this one is only one who visits Japan. In a way, it is — it was — part of our heritage… our identity.”

Ishihara said that sanctions against Ultraman and the SSSP management are possible.

“We’ll have to relook at their powers after this, to prevent more of this kind of mishap. A restricted residence order for the so-called superhero, perhaps. We’ll see.

“Whatever it is, we will not have the silver-and-red monster, or his Ultra being siblings, running around killing anything they like. It’s bad enough that we’ve had to live with the colossal collateral damage from their epic battles for last few decades. Enough is enough.”

KUALA LUMPUR — In an effort to strengthen national unity and in line with the 1Malaysia concept, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Mohd Najib Tun Razak announced today that the East Malaysian states of Sabah and Sarawak would be moved to the peninsula.

BEFORE: Sabah and Sarawak in their current location

Speaking at a Press conference after a Cabinet meeting, Najib said that the relocation was necessary to ensure that the nation’s different peoples would not have any more physical boundaries to mix around.

“We’ve had the vast South China Sea separating the two Malaysias for the longest time now,” said the Prime Minister excitedly. “It’s time to close the gap, and allow our different races, tribes and cultures to naturally immerse with one another.”

The relocation plan is scheduled to start next year, with reclamation works commencing in May.

AFTER: The new, unified '1Malaysia' Malaysia

“It’s a big project, costing well over RM850 trillion,” said Najib. “The project would take 10 years to complete, since we’d need to move all the soil, water sources, flora, fauna, man-made structures and of course, the people. But it’ll be worth it, since we’ll truly be 1Malaysia.”

The two huge states, spanning nearly 200,000 square kilometres, are now part of the greater Borneo island together with Brunei Darussalam and the part of Indonesia called Kalimantan, but would be joined with the eastern side of Peninsular Malaysia.

“The states would be reconstructed almost exactly identical to how they are now,” said Najib. “This would ensure that the natives would not feel ‘out of place’ when they move back to their relocated homes.

“Of course, we might ‘improve’ some things when we rebuild the states. We’re thinking, maybe Mount Kinabalu could be higher than Everest. I mean, why not? It’s not every day that you get to change what nature has given us.

“And if we take the soil from inside Gua Niah and use it to add on Mount Kinabalu’s height, we’d get both a bigger cave and taller mountain, effectively rewriting two Guinness World Records. Now that’s what I call value for money!”

Asked what the neighbouring Brunei and Indonesia had to say about the move, Najib said that he had discussed the issues with the leaders of both nations.

“His Majesty the Sultan of Brunei did ask me why we were taking Sabah and Sarawak away, leaving his kingdom just a group of tiny islands in the middle of the South China Sea. The Indonesian president also voiced his concern,” said the PM.

“However, I told them that we all need to ‘hijrah’ to better ourselves, and that neighbours move away all the time. And I also reassured them that although we may be physically further after this, we would always be close in our hearts. They were very understanding.

“Besides, after this, there’d be no more issue of illegal smuggling across the borders and such.”

On protests by the Kelantan state government, citing the ‘loss of a coastline’ and ‘off-shore petroleum’, Najib said that this is of national interest, and the opposition-held state administration should not be so selfish.

“These people simply refuse to understand the importance of 1Malaysia. They keep on looking a the small things like the death of their fishing industry or the loss of billions of ringgit of income.

“Serves the Kelantanese people right for voting in such small-minded leaders.”

KUALA LUMPUR — Fresh from being snubbed by the Health Ministry on his proposal that we revert to calling the H1N1 Influenza “Selsema Babi” (Swine Flu), Information Minister Datuk Seri Utama Dr Rais Yatim has proposed that the global pandemic be referred to as “Demam Pukimako” instead.

Speaking at a hastily-called Press conference at Angkasapuri today, Rais said that the proposal is tabled to avoid further confusion amongst the citizens, who now don’t know what to call the disease, which has taken over 1,000 lives worldwide.

“First it was ‘Swine Flu’ or ‘Selsema Babi’, and some people and some pigs got offended,” said Rais, annoyed. “Then it was ‘H1N1’, but then it was torn between either ‘H Satu N Satu’ or ‘H One N One’. I tried to make it simple by going back to the original, ‘Selsema Babi’, coz I think it’s a babi of a disease. But then some people don’t agree. So now, I say fuck it. Let’s call it for what it is.

“It’s a pukimak of a disease. It’s spreading, and we’re losing the war, despite everything we’re doing. So there. Pukimako.”

Asked if he took offence to the Health Ministry and the medical fraternity not accepting his previous proposal, Rais responded, “Pukimako.”

“They’re the ‘real’ doctors, yeah? Like the ‘Dr’ in front of my name don’t mean jack shit, yeah? Pukimako.”

Rais said that to make the name more complete, he also proposed a sign language hand gesture for the hearing impaired.

The Pukimako sign language gesture

“Take one hand, hold it like a fist, with the thumb area pointing upwards. Then slap that part of the hand loudly with the other palm, as you quietly mouth ‘Pukimako’. That should do the trick, especially when you’re describing your flu-like symptoms with your doctor, or officers from the Health Ministry.”

The Press conference ended as abruptly as it began, with Dr Rais screaming at the top of his lungs as he left, “PUKIMAKOOOOO!”

KUALA LUMPUR — In a decision expected to appease both sides of the divide, the Education Ministry has said that Mathematics and Science in schools would be taught in Bahalish, an intergration of Bahasa Malaysia and the English language.

“We thought long and hard about the issue,” said Minister of Education Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin, at a Press conference at the ministry, which was also attended by his Education officers and language consultants. “We realised that this is a very sensitive issue, one that not only touches the future of our children, but also the fabric of our multi-racial society. So we had to be extremely careful, and try to find a win-win situation for everyone.”

The issue of picking the language to teach the two subjects has been a hot one since the decision to use English was adopted a few years ago, sending temperatures rising among educationists, politicians and the common man. On one hand, suppoters of teaching in English say that it is the only way Malaysian students can prepare for global competition since English is the world’s lingua franca, and that most of the world’s knowledge is stored in that language. Critics, however, say that many students are struggling with the language, and by using English to teach Maths and Science in schools, they would end up struggling with Maths and Science too, further exacerbating the situation. Adding fuel to the fire are some politicians, who have somehow managed to make it a racial issue.

“I have to admit, it was getting very complicated. Convoluted. We somehow needed to simplify it, and not lose our focus,” said Muhyiddin. “And then it dawned on us — to simplify the big issue, we needed to simplify the core problem, which is the medium itself.

“And so, our panel of experts deliberated, pouring over data and conducting extensive research, to finally arrive to the conclusion: we must intergrate the languages. Hence, the new and improved Bahalish! This way, there is no issue of ‘which language to use’.”

Muhyiddin then demonstrated the simplicity of the new language.

“For example, if one were to say in English, ‘The big brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’, the Bahalish translation would be ‘De big braun foks jamps ove e lezi dog’. See? Very simple, yes?” he asked, confidently.

He added, “And the beauty is that you can also say it in a more Bahasa-skewed Bahalish, like this: ‘Moo-sung young burr-saur eetoo mer-lowm-putt merler-puss-see sir-eh-core un-jeeng marr-lus’. I mean, it’s so easy, even a pre-schooler would be able to pick it up in a jiffy. I’m getting goosebumps just speaking in Bahalish!” Muhyiddin said in jest, as his language experts laugh in agreement, eyes red and puffy presumably from the sleepless nights doing their experty stuff.

“We’ll start using Bahalish next month, after getting all textbooks and materials translated and distributed to all schools. English and Bahasa Malaysia would no longer be taught, since they’re redundant, and will be replaced by intensive Bahalish courses. I am confident this decision will be accepted with open mind by everyone involved,” he added. “We take care of everyone’s feelings, no culture is marginalised, and most importantly, our children will have access to the world’s knowledge with no problem whatsoever.

“In fact, we believe the world will see our wisdom and start adopting Bahalish very soon.”

Asked what the ministry plans to do with the other languages taught in schools, Tamil and Mandarin, Muhyiddin said that Bahalish has opened up the floodgates for more innovation.

“Our teams will work on it. Frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with combining other languages. Will it be Tamdarin, or Manmil? It could be both. And at the end of the day, I dream of one common language, in line with our Prime Minister’s noble concept of 1Malaysia.

“I hope that one day, we’ll all be speaking, writing, learning and doing business in Bahalishtamdarin.”