internet-addict. apatheist. absurdist. bored. the goddamn patman.

People you will often encounter in the startup world, especially in Silicon Valley.

Here is a list of the best ones.

Startup Founder:
You have done one of the following things:
– Raised capital (including joined an incubator)
– Generated revenue
– Registered a business entity for that specific project
– Committed to working full time on the project or hired other people to do so

Faux Founder:
You say you’re running a startup, but you’ve not designed or shipped an MVP (or know what an MVP is). Instead you are still looking for a co-founder (usually technical) or you’ve found an engineer(s) to build a prototype that has taken 6 months (so far) without shipping anything. If you are lucky you have a ‘coming soon’ page

Super Secret Agent Orange CIA Operative Founder:
You say you have a startup, but can’t seem to articulate what you do in any meaningful way (even the general space) and at the first question about your company you clam up and then start to cite the need for an NDA. You then ask for more meetings or introductions to other people so that you can give them the same treatment.

Delusional Founder:
You have raised way too much money and are burning it quickly on a crazy idea. You think you know everything. Chances are you’ve still not shipped your product or if you have it’s heavy, got too many features and is a clone of something else that existed 5 years ago.

Faux Angel:
You pretend to have some money that you *might* invest in the right startup. But you don’t. Since you’re not actually investing no one’s quite sure what it is you really do.

Angel:
You have actual money. You actually invest it regularly. You might even have 500 hats. If you’re good (or just loud) somehow you manage to be everywhere and do everything. If you’re more of an introvert, most people don’t know your name – but you help make dreams come true.

VC:
You have a lot more money. You rarely invest it, but when you do it makes a big difference to the company. If you are not very good, you overvalue your contribution to startups. If you’re a good VC you recognize you are just an enabler who is lucky to be involved in making a dream come true or changing the world

Socialite:
You’re not actually in tech – you just hang around the tech scene because you want to. You may even somehow (seem to) know more about the latest tech news than most of the people who are actually trying to work in the space because you have time to actually read the blogs.

Blogger:
You write for a real blog (i.e. it has more readers than just your family and immediate friends). Startup founders probably wish you would listen to them. You probably wish you were a startup founder. You also probably get a lot of PR girls hanging around you.

Faux Blogger:
You write on *A* blog, but no one reads it. You call yourself a blogger in the hopes you might be confused for the category above.

Web Celeb:
You’re famous for talking about the tech scene and pimping the things you like. You’ve likely never actually shipped a software product before or run a web business but you speak loudly and without reservation so people believe you know what you’re talking about. You also probably get a lot of PR girls hanging around you.

Consultant:
You work at a real firm or have real customers with known brands (either because you helped them get known or because they were known before you got there). You actually move the needle for them and assist with product launches, events, product planning, HR or other PRACTICAL matters

Faux Consultant:
You go to all the startup events (ALL of them), you talk like you understand startups but you are a ‘consultant’. You’re not really a consultant though, you are just looking for work. You don’t represent any real firm or domain expert – u just want to be part of the scene or find an opportunity