The Hard Stuff: "I Can't Be Happy for My Friends"

Some time ago, shortly after I'd ended a failed relationship, I found out I was pregnant and terminated the pregnancy. I almost immediately regretted it and fell into a depression. Now, a number of my closest friends and relatives are pregnant, and I'm finding it hard to express joy whenever one of them calls me about her experiences. I'm often suffocated with sadness and guilt when there's a baby shower or birth. I can go weeks without calling or visiting the new moms. How can I ease my feelings so I can be happy for these women I dearly love? -- T.M., 25, Raleigh, NC

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For now, forget about all the expectant friends and relatives and focus on grieving your loss. Find a counselor if you haven't seen one already. And know that although you regret your decision, you can still find a resting place where you can have mercy on yourself.

Having this mercy involves realizing that we've all made decisions we may come to regret and that the only way to grow is to accept them as part of our story, part of who we are. Now, acceptance is not to be confused with "getting over it." There are things that happen to us that will be with us our entire lives. These are our scars, but you'd be amazed at how many of them you can acquire and still be happy.

In regard to dealing with the moms-to-be and new moms in your life, for now try to steer clear of baby showers and anything else that calls for hours of infant-related swooning. Say you're coming down with a bad cold, and all will love you for keeping your germs to yourself. It's also fine to feign more enthusiasm than you feel about feeding schedules and first smiles. No law says your heart must be 100 percent invested in your congratulations; that's part of why greeting cards were created. Send a cute one, plus a sweet stuffed animal, and you're done. You could simply write, "Thanks for sending the pictures of the baby. He's a cutie!" And that wouldn't be a lie, right?

The day will come when you'll be able to express a fuller sense of empathy and good cheer when your pals have baby news. For now, tend to your own fragile feelings and focus on being a good friend to yourself.

Need smart advice? Maybe your best friend is suddenly acting strangely. Or your parents or in-laws are making you nuts. Or your sister always takes your moms side in an argument, instead of yours. Whatevers bugging or perplexing you about your friends, brother, sister, parents, in-laws, husband, you name it REDBOOKs Karen Karbo has the smart advice you need. Email your questions, rants, and worries to her at karenkarbo@redbookmag.com and please include your initials, age, city and state. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.