Climbing the College Dating Ladder: Start at the Bottom, in the Pits of Hell!

Well, you're off to college. The hometown where you grew up is a long ways away; things feel strange, but you're getting by. Do you know why? You're a stud; you're a player.

Sometimes at the campus parties you get so drunk that you forget the first name of your Dad and even your younger brother's nickname. I know how it is, I've been there, but you have to think through all this. Get hold of yourself, man! Get a grip!

Some drunken football players beat up your best friend and you were too chicken-shit to even try to break up the fight. Instead, you hid in the bushes besides the Arts & Sciences hall and cried out in emotional pain. You urinated profusely in your pants. You stayed in those thick bushes, in the thorns and poison ivy, all night long, even after the paramedics carted off your friend in a helicopter ambulance! Yes, Killer Koontsky woofed down four fifths of 150-proof firewater within the span of 15 minutes and he was pronounced dead at the hospital late last night!

But the hair of the dog that bit him also saved him! Twenty minutes after his heart stopped beating he vomited the stuff up and its backflow restarted his heart. Even the head of medicine at the hospital can't believe what happened. They think because Killer was drinking alcohol that was so strong it took on nuclear proportions, the poison that killed him also brought him back to life. It's Elementary cause and effect. It's a miracle, by Bacchus, and this act of God came directly through the hands of John Barleycorn himself!

So it's okay today. The breezes are turning cool. Leaves are falling from the trees. Dogs howl late at night. The first thing you have to remember is getting laid is a lot like getting paid. Did you ever hear of starting at the bottom? When you graduate with a finance degree are you going to be the branch manager of the bank back home? No. Hell no. You'll start as a teller probably, or maybe even a janitor or as a security goon. Maybe you'll begin in the dark dank basement of the bank, in the bank's cafeteria, cleaning plates as a dishwasher. You may be hired in at a lower position, that of a dishwasher's helper or even a dishwasher's helper's helper.

Well, starting at the bottom at the love game is about the same as stepping up the work ladder. Starting on the fourth string on cupid's team means you must first enjoy the vaginal and mammary fruits of the most hound-dog-ugly girl on campus before you taste the nectars of Venus. First and foremost, you'll need plenty of booze to make your vision so blurred that you won't be able to see a stick of dynamite, even if it blew up a fraction of an inch in front of your nose.

And young man, you're probably asking now, "Why me?" - Why get drunk to have sex with something that could get me busted by the police for the nation's, state's and city's bestiality laws? Well, we'll get to that later. For right now, however, think back to the second day of class. Remember when you passed the admissions office on your way to English Composition? Who did you see, or more appropriately, who did you pretend not to see? It was that blind girl with the mustache and partial goatee who was so fat she almost had to be carried around in the shovel of a bulldozer! That whiff of OH-MA-GOSH air you got into your nostrils and almost choked over? That wasn't from her mangy seeing-eye dog. That hideous smell was coming from her armpits and her thighs! And that thing on her head wasn't a raccoon dog hat, it was her latest hairdo.

So you ask now, what about that blind girl with the mustache and partial goatee and all the rest of the stuff I just now so wretchedly described? THAT, MY FRIEND, WILL BE YOUR FIRST COLLEGE LOVE INTEREST.Keep in mind that I did not use the term "love interest" lightly. And that brings us to the point of objectivity being supreme in this zero-sum game.

Be objective and try to have an out-of-body experience when you have sex with Bloody Broomhilda 'de Bulldozer. Remember, stay detached. That blind, horrid creature that looks like a thing in an old, black-and-white, Japanese monster movie is not the prize. She has a best friend named Loreilei Jacobson, who is an international bikini model. And you know that Loreilei Jacobson makes all of your school's NCAA cheerleaders look like that mutt of a seeing eye dog that you originally thought was the source of stench you smelled.

Why, you now may be asking, should I have sexual relations with the ugliest woman in the world to get next to one of the most beautiful women in the world? Son, that's easy. It's because women are vengeful, spiteful, egregiously hideous things. That's why it's as good as a royal flush that Loreilei is going to be spending some serious dating time with you - I'd say, at least, half a semester!!!

Here's some tips for you to remember while you're weaseling around on your new Main Player of Campus wheels:

1.) FIND OUT WHERE THE UGLY WOMAN HANGS OUT. Chances are, she doesn't frequent any of the big places on- or off-campus because she is about as ugly as an overflowing dumpster at the end of a dirt road in Hell. So hang out, instead, in front of her dorm building. Chances are, she's shy so you'll have to use some cool logistical prowess in getting her attention. One of the surest and best ways to do this is to splatter onto her obese body a garbage can filled to the brim with scalding hot water. But this might get you in trouble with campus security or it may ruin any future chance in making an introduction with the thing that developed in the primordial lagoon.

2.) Accidentally bumping into her is a good way to make a first impression. And since the woman has been cursed with about as much tonnage as ugliness, you would probably have been better off throwing a few karate chops at those five football players who beat up your friend Killer Koontsky than even brush up against this monster. So before you take on this feat, a regimented weight-training program of four- to six-months prior to this "bumping into" introduction may be necessary.

3.) Another way of getting Ms. Hound Dog's attention is to accidentally throw something on her while she's in the school library or in the student union. Remember, this could be a degrading experience. So since this woman (let's just call her "Sara" instead of negative connotative names), is probably shy so make sure you do it when a lot of people are around, to make it look authentic. Don't laugh or crack any jokes after a first encounter of this sort. Sara will undoubtedly see nothing funny about it. And she might actually eat you. And even though she's a big girl, don't throw anything too very big at her (an iron beam from the construction site outside the student union, for example, is off limits). Pick something dainty and cute, like an unabridged dictionary. And heave it at her obese mallet of a head. That'll be sure to catch her attention.

4.) INVITE HER TO YOUR PLACE FOR TEA AND CRACKERS (OR SOMETHING SIMILAR, MAYBE EVEN A COUPLE FIFTHS OF MAD DOG 20/20). Once you make your first impression, invite Ms. H. Ugly to your dorm room, frat house, rooming flat, or efficiency apartment. Keep in mind, you're doing all this to get the best-looking girl on campus. Venus is the ultimate target, not the blob that ate Mexico City.

5.) If the big-boned woman does not want to have a sexual liaison with your skinny ass, keep in mind, you've got to get the job done somehow. But having a CSI unit in your frat house is not the way to her best friend's heart. No international bikini model will ever date a rapist, murderer or serial killer - especially a heinous criminal who brutalized her best friend.

6.) Remember, use common sense. Do not do things that can put you in a state or federal prison for a good portion of your life. And also keep in mind, this age-old wisdom, tried and true as it is, may not work well with every scenario or every hideously abominable ogre from hades. But it can be used and used again, until true success and true love are found! Keep trying different variations of this formula and sooner or later something will click!

7.) SO THE DIRTY DEED HAS BEEN DONE, SO NOW WHAT DO YOU DO? Remember that old song, "Breaking Up is Hard to Do?" - Well when it comes to you and that big vat of whale blubber you copulated with when you were practically comatose, it certainly won't be hard.

8.) Let's face it, you've spent such a lonely despicable night in hell that today that slob-infested, sad-assed fraternity with no name is calling you "a living legend," and telling you that you're not only in their fraternity but that you don't even have to pledge to them or pay rent the first year! Despite all the dubious honors, it's time to rid yourself of bad garbage and move on. BYE BROOMHILDA!!!

9.) Picture this: you and Loreilei are on the beach together. She's hot. You're hot. You have her bikini top half undone and your hands are moving over her very tight, sinewy stomach. So like Karl Marx once said, "the ends really do justify the means," don't they?

10.) SO NOW YOU HAVE THE BEST LOOKING GIRL ON CAMPUS, WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT? Try to make the fling with the beautiful model last as long as you can. Remember, Loreilei is bound to dump you sooner or later and already, she's eyeing up the fullback who rushed for more than 2,000 yards at State this year. So play your head games and play them well. Remember, you've literally spent an entire evening in a horror film so you could finally get to where you are now - and by this I mean you're finally on the coveted "number one place" on the campus-dating ladder.

11.) So enjoy it for now. Seize the day. Relish the moment. It won't last. Your next girlfriend is more than likely to be a flat-chested wearer of braces. Hell, she may even have a thing that looks like a nuclear reactor valve attached to her lower torso! But not to worry, she's still a thousand times prettier than the dreaded Ms. H. Ugly, your first campus fling. And you'll never have to stoop so low as to get knee-crawling and elbow-waving drunk to screw Campus Fling No. 3! And if you wind up with Ms. Palsey's second cousin, the one that looks and smells like a sea serpent, start from square one and use this formula to a manipulate for yourself a better advantage this time around. If Hound Dog Ugly II's second cousin has an even uglier friend than the ugliest woman on campus, rip up this guide and forget you found it on The Spoof. . . .

12.) BY THE WAY, THIS KIND OF ADVICE COLUMN CAN BE USED FOR THE MODERN COLLEGE CO-ED LOOKING TO HITCH HERSELF TO THE BIGGEST STUD ON CAMPUS OR EVEN FOR GAY COLLEGE STUDENTS. Just flip everything around, deep fry it in lard and attach penises to the words that were feminine and vaginas to all the above words that were masculine. All this being equal and if you're a straight woman, a bisexual man or even a flaming faggot. Understand? Did I lose you? Sorry, it's a bit complicated, but so is the current state of college dating! If you're gay, do whatever the hell you need to do. Just do it and do it well! And remember, you're a stud and you're a player, too! You just look at things a bit differently than the status quo that this article was so stereotypically written for; above all, this column is meant to be nonsexist and egalitarian. If you're gay, please use this guide to the best of your advantages. It could make you a very popular student. And most of all, it could make you very, very happy!

- It's all good.

- It'll work for you!

- It's fail proof!

In closing, just remember, everyone has to start at the bottom. So suck it up and spit it out! No matter what, you'll end up with a stomach that can easily digest chili-peppered-flavored ice cream with whale urine as a soaker.

Hell's bells, you'll be so tough and rugged by the end of it all that even the most outlaw of biker gangs will accept you, no matter what! They might even usher you in as their new "Prez".