Friday 10 August 2012 10.04 EDT
First published on Friday 10 August 2012 10.04 EDT

With just two days of competition left, most of the medals have already been handed out. So the time has come for the Armchair Athlete to award a few of his own for those events that weren't in the original schedule, but which have become every bit as closely fought and entertaining for those of us left watching the Olympics from the living room sofa.

Biggest moaners

Britain's smile has been just that bit wider these past two weeks as the failures and the gripings of our three most bitter rivals has made our own success all the sweeter. After snatching the Olympics from under French noses in 2005, the Brits have outclassed the French everywhere apart from the swimming pool. Especially the velodrome, where the French team accused us of having magic wheels … wheels that just happened to be made in France. The Aussies and Germans have also badly underperformed, with their home team fans and media turning on them and calling them chokers. Life doesn't get much better.

Gold: France

Silver: Australia

Bronze: Germany

Britain's greatest Olympian

Before the games, there was only one candidate: Sir Steve Redgrave with his five rowing gold medals. After Bradley Wiggins won gold for the time trial on the first Wednesday, the BBC decided a little recalibration was required and Wiggo was elevated above Redgrave on the grounds that he had won the most medals in total – four gold, two silver, one bronze - and declared him Britain's greatest ever Olympian. After Sir Chris Hoy had taken his sixth gold, who did the BBC call on to pass over the mantle of Britain's greatest Olympian? None other than Sir Steve.

Gold: Sir Chris Hoy

Silver: Sir Steve Redgrave or Bradley Wiggins

Bronze: Sir Steve Redgrave or Bradley Wiggins

Most predictable exit

Unfortunately, the men's and women's sprint relay teams have yet to compete, so there is still some – if not much – doubt about their failure to pass the baton round the whole track. But even if they do drop it again, there was nothing less unexpected than the GB football team going out on penalties in the quarter-final. They would lose to the Marshall Islands on penalties if they played them. Nearly as inevitable was that Jonas Hoegh-Christensen would lose the medal race in the Finn sailing class, despite having led throughout the competition. No one beats Ben Ainslie. And the whole world experienced deja vu as Chinese hurdler Liu Xiang pulled up injured for the second Games in succession.

Gold: GB football team

Silver: Jonas Hoegh-Christensen

Bronze: Liu Xiang

Rarest sighting

You would have had to know your athletics history to know that Seb Coe's greatest rival on the track was Steve Ovett, as the Brighton-born runner has been almost entirely airbrushed out of these Games. These are Lord Coe's Olympics and nothing is going to spoil them. While Typhoid Dave and Bozza have been piggy-backing on Team GB's success at every opportunity, Ed Miliband has gone to ground. Nick Clegg probably wishes he had too, as he was booed at the hockey. There have been a few mentions of Linford Christie in the commentary team, but no pictures. He remains unforgiven by the BBC for a failed drug test late in his career.

Gold: Steve Ovett

Silver: Ed Miliband

Bronze: Linford Christie

Best groper

This has been the Games when the commentators have gone mano a mano with one another to grab chunks out of any passing athlete. Jake Humphrey made a late surge by snogging Mark Cavendish, and John "Fingers" Inverdale would have been a cert for top podium spot if he hadn't been taken away from the rowing and put out of harm's reach, anchoring the BBC's coverage from the Olympic Stadium. So Phil "Roving Hands" Jones was left to win at a canter as he pawed any unsuspecting athletes moments after they had crossed the finishing line.

Gold: Phil "Roving Hands" Jones

Silver: John "Fingers" Inverdale

Bronze: Jake "The Tongue" Humphrey

Worst uniforms

One of the clearest winners. One look at the Russian tracksuits was enough to induce a migraine, and if the Russians want to conduct a postmortem on why their medal tally has been down on expectations, they could do worse than start there. Team GB might also want to examine whether its sluggish start to the Games was precipitated by the truly hideous uniforms they were made to wear for the opening ceremony. Not even Robbie Savage wants to look like Robbie Savage in Strictly Come Dancing. We also expected something rather more stylish of the Spanish.

Gold: Russia

Silver: Great Britain

Bronze: Spain

Britain's already forgotten gold medallists

When Heather Stanning and Helen Glover won Britain's first gold medal of the Games in the coxless pairs after an anxious four days with nothing much to celebrate, they were hailed as Britain's saviours by John Inverdale and Clare Balding. Now they'd be lucky to be recognised in the street – though their fame lasted rather longer than that of British shooter Peter Wilson's 30 seconds. And you have to feel for Greg Rutherford, whose long jump gold was totally eclipsed by Jess Ennis and Mo Farah on the same night.

Gold: That bloke who won the shooting

Silver: Those women in the rowing

Bronze: The long jumper

Best parents

Sir Chris Hoy's parents rarely miss any of their son's competitions and they did more than their fair share of nail biting and hiding their faces. But they were the epitome of reserve compared with Lynn and Rick Raisman, who lived every second of their daughter Aly's bar routine in the gymnastics. Even so, the winner – by the length of the home straight – was South African swimmer Chad Le Clos's father Bert, for his interview with Clare Balding. "What a beautiful boy! I've died and gone to heaven."

Gold: Bert Le Clos

Silver: Lynn and Rick Raisman

Bronze: Carol and David Hoy

Best pundit

The clear favourite going into the Games was Michael Johnson, who always manages to sound more intelligent and informed than anyone else around him. But while still far better than most others, Johnson has been a bit low on energy this time round and has sometimes appeared as if he wished he wasn't being asked to fill dead airtime with the same guff he said half an hour ago. The slow start by the US to the track and field events seemed to have made him grumpy. Mark Cavendish, meanwhile, was a revelation at the velodrome; funny, knowledgeable, honest and up for the craic. Ian Thorpe was always worth watching, if only for his costume changes.

Gold: Mark Cavendish

Silver: Michael Johnson

Bronze: Ian Thorpe

Worst music

There can't be anyone left in the world who can bear to listen to Let Me Entertain You, We Will Rock You and We are the Champions ever again, such has been the frequency with which they are played during any lull in competition. And sometimes during it. Still, it was preferable to the Benny Hill theme tune that accompanied the women's beach volleyball. We didn't need reminding that it was a sport included primarily for the perve factor. It also encouraged the commentators to call all women athletes "girls". Not that they needed much encouraging. But the outright winner is Paul McCartney for his performances at the opening ceremony and in the velodrome.

Gold: Sir Paul McCartney

Silver: Benny Hill

Bronze: Robbie Williams and Queen

Best self-publicist

From "accidentally" getting stuck on a zip wire, to being "caught on camera" at every venue, to muscling in on the political agenda - "Everyone should do two hours sport a day at school like me. Look what it did for me." Hmm. Boris Johnson has effortlessly mastered the art of being in several locations at the same time and taking the credit for everything on offer. If you didn't get to a live event, it's because Bozza hogged your ticket.

Gold: Boris Johnson

Silver: Boris Johnson

Bronze: Boris Johnson

Biggest sponsorship own goals

"We are proud to only take Visa" was written large over every Olympic retail outlet. Most visitors were totally underwhelmed to be massively inconvenienced and find that their non-Visa credit cards weren't accepted, and will now go out of their way to ensure they never use Visa again. I don't know how much Adidas paid – with Visa, presumably – to be an official sponsor, but it wasn't worth it. Everyone came away thinking that it was Nike's Games. And the sight of so many swimmers walking out in mirrored goggles with Dr Dre's clamped over their ears wasn't a great advert for the headphones.

Gold: Visa

Silver: Adidas

Bronze: Dr Dre

Best crying

The toughest and most keenly fought event of the whole games was won by rowers Mark Hunter and Zac Purchase, after they were narrowly beaten into second place having led for most of the race. This sparked yet more tears from John "Fingers" Inverdale, who broke down himself after hugging them. For once Sir Chris Hoy didn't make it to the top of the podium, while Vicky Pendleton was disqualified – her third DQ of the Games – on the grounds that she's got "magic tears" that seldom stop flowing and therefore has an unfair advantage.