Spectacular vernacular from someone who sometimes has something to say

I’m glad the Post Secret app was destroyed

Was anyone else watching that “Post Secret” phenomenon like a year ago? I learned about it a long time after everyone else, but based on what the fucking thing was made for, I think I sum it up quite beautifully when I say, “You’re doing it wrong”.

That app was supposed to be for admitting your secrets. Shit you can’t even tell your best friend or your significant other or whatever. Lots of people get it (or are very twisted fucks, if they make it up) and post about giving their dad blowjobs on their lunch breaks, or the fact that they are planning on proposing and are so fucking jacked about it that they can’t tell anyone, so they take advantage of the anonymity of Post Secret and tell the Interwebz. Some people asked what a “normal” vagina should look like or how to orgasm; others asked why a boyfriend or girlfriend was acting a certain way. All of these things, in my mind, are acceptable “secret” things. Some of them, granted, are extremely fucked up and require someone getting arrested or having their dick cut off (i.e., Blowjob Daddy). A lot of it, actually, was really fucking depressing.

If you never had the app, don’t be bummed about missing your chance at perusing the secrets floating around us. One of the most hilarious bits was all the guys with tiny schlongs that posted pictures of their pole, hoping some hussy would TT them. Sidebar: what the fuck is TT? I mean, I know it’s full name is Tiger Text, but what is its purpose?

Anyways, those dudes are hilarious. The girls who posted their tits are sad, and I feel very sorry for them. Same with the girls who posted pictures of themselves, looking more than likely to be someone who has her fair share of prepubescent guys to choose from, saying shit like, ‘I’m so ugly’ or ‘Everyone says I’m so pretty, but I’m not’. For fuuuuck’s sake, girls. You have a vagina; a physical part of you that is designed to take massive poundings and accomodate an entire fucking infant. You are built powerful and strong, so stop acting like some pantywaisted fucking dummy. And stop looking for approval and compliments from random people. It doesn’t fucking matter if someone else, especially some balls-just-dropped dude in your class who you like, thinks you’re pretty. You are who you are, so work with it. You’re already beautiful and actually perfect just the way you are. But if you don’t think that, why the fuck should someone else? And why should their opinion matter? Too many girls live their lives for someone else.

And I get it, I understand the angsty, hormonal, mind-fucking teen brain. All you see and know is school and the people in it. What you don’t get (and can’t, because you need to grow up first) is that none of it fucking matters! What matters is doing your goddamn homework and making something of yourself. Find something to live for, because otherwise you’re gonna get sucked into a darkness that’s inescapable. What doesn’t matter, even a fucking modicum, are the people who try to make your life hell. Some bitch wants to insult you, laugh in her face. She’s more hideous than any “ugly” person she’s bullying. Your crush or boyfriend broke your heart? Buck up and bear it, sister. It’ll happen a few more times, and you can withstand anything, if you try. Don’t let some ignorant wench dictate your life.

The saddest part of Post Secret was all of the people posting about suicide. This influx of intense depression is heartbreaking. I’m glad that at least Post Secret was there for these people who feel they have no one to talk to, so they could talk to some anonymous person who cared more than their own family or friends might have. I wish these disheartened and battered teenagers could understand how much better it actually gets. After junior high, after high school…everything changes. And it doesn’t matter how much time you spend waiting or hoping for the depression to end. What matters is what you do with all of that time. You can either spend it in the fetal position, letting yourself be a punching bag for idiots, or you can pick yourself up, have some fucking self-respect, and make your life as great as you possibly can. You’re the only solution for yourself. If you need therapy, get some therapy. If you think you need meds, talk to a doctor. Who will probably suggest you get some therapy. But therapy can be really fucking liberating and insightful. It’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and actually, I think Post Secret was kind of therapeutic for people. Many people were extremely warm and understanding on that app, and offered to email or text or talk to the person. It’s beautiful, really.

I never really exercised the option of posting secrets myself. Mostly I just read and laughed at the funny stories, or shook my head at small penises. The only thing I posted was about how I’ve never had a warm, loving, accepting mother, so it makes me wary of women. And all of the replies I got were really kind-hearted and understanding. It kind of makes you think, “Shit, they’re right. Fuck this game, I’m moving on.”

So if you’re a girl looking for compliments or someone to tell you what hideous labia you have, or a guy looking for praise for your penis, stop it. Seriously. Thanks to those kinds of posts, and the people who were just posting pictures from nasty fucking porn movies about people taking Two Girls, One Cup to a whole other dimension, Post Secret was removed. Now you have to go back to writing out and snail-mailing your secret like some kind of fucking caveman or something. You fuck-weasels with your porn and your ridiculousness ruined it for everyone. And I never did get to see how many of those dudes got a “Yes” from their girlfriend/boyfriend. So thanks for that, you miserable dicks.

In closing, for future reference, should another app like Post Secret make its way into your life…Guys, put your dick away. Nobody wants to look at your penis. And girls, yes. That is what a vagina should look like. It’s supposed to be fucking hideous.