When Holding the Line Crosses the Line

More and more I am seeing men in relationships that are run by the woman completely. The men involved with these women come seeking counseling telling me they are terrified to stand up to their girlfriends or wives. These aren’t normally passive men. They are professional athletes, physicians, teachers, truck drivers and/or lawyers. When I ask them what they are afraid of, they simply state that the women they live with are so domineering that if they say the wrong thing they get beat up verbally as well as emotionally.

Everyone wants their own way, but when you need your own way with everything, there is a problem. When your partner cannot help make a decision in regards to what house to purchase, whether or not to start a family and where you want to live, there is a problem. The men I counsel tell me that their wives or girlfriends will actually twist whatever they say to make it look as if they are the victim or the one trying to save the relationship. Although I am seeing more men who are living with controlling women, men can have this problem as well. Psychologically these women and men may have several possible diagnoses including Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disorder, or they may fit more globally under the bully or control freak title. Whatever your partner’s diagnosis, living with this person and sharing a life with them requires understanding, patience and strong boundary setting.

Women and men who want to control all areas of their partner’s life as well as everyone else’s have several qualities in common. If you are married to one of these control freaks or dating one, these commonalities may help validate you:

They do not like looking at their own mistakes and will usually deny them.

They don’t have a lot of friends, because they don’t trust anyone.

They have an aversion to true intimacy. They don’t trust and therefore they never expose their vulnerable areas.

The feelings that fuel the control compulsion include anger, fear, insecurity and anxiety.

The only way out of experiencing the pain of living with one of these women or men is to avoid a relationship with them. However if you are in a relationship with one of them and especially if you have children it is worthwhile to try to make things work if possible. It will most likely help you if you understand that this person is very fragile with their feeling of incompetency. They are riddled with anxiety, and unfortunately the only way they can become calmer is to control you. They have a win/lose mentality so if they win, you lose and this helps calm them and reassure their fragile sense of self. You won’t be the only one they need to win over… most likely they will do this to everyone they are engaged with.

Tips to dealing with your control freak:

Be patient, and stay calm as much as possible. Getting angry or yelling incites them more and they fight harder to win.

If money or their making all the decisions with money is part of the problem, it is wise to have separate accounts. Your control freak won’t like this, so you may want to set it up outside of their awareness, as a savings account totally separate from your joint account.

As much as possible, give them areas of complete control. If the kitchen is their domain, don’t try to organize or cook while they are in the kitchen. If you are in their domain, they will feel the need to control you and have their way.

As much as possible, when they are telling you what you are going to do, eat, or wear, remind yourself that this is an anxiety-fueled message. Don’t take it personally. They are afraid and must control.

Self care is so important if you have to live with this constant control freak. Make sure you demand that you have your own exercise time, solitude zone, and quiet time. Control freaks can be paranoid (remember they have few friends), so when someone structures them and makes a strong boundary they will usually try to honor that.

Counseling and medication is so helpful with managing the control freak behaviors. The problem is that most control freaks won’t accept that they have a problem. Marriage counseling is a wonderful way to have them go to therapy as then they can tell the therapist how many problems you have (they project their own problems on to their partner).

No one knows the number of couples who suffer with this problem, but more and more I am seeing control issues surface in relationships. This is not to be unexpected; anxiety heightens when there is ambiguity. There is ambiguity all over the world right now, and life in general is riddled with anxiety causing situations. If you are dating or engaged and planning to marry and you notice your partner is more than a little controlling, it may be wise to step back and deal with the underlying anxiety prior to marriage. We all like to have control, but control is an illusion. If you feel that your life depends on controlling others and every decision made, you are going to create a miserable life for yourself and everyone involved. –Mary Jo Rapini