Hair pulling: How to nip it in the bud

Why your child pulls hair

Yanking hair, like kicking, biting, pinching, and hitting, is one way your child expresses himself and tries to exert control over his immediate environment.

There are several reasons for this behavior, and the most likely explanation is the simplest one: Your child has discovered how to get a reaction and wants to get it again.

"It's like turning on a light switch or hitting one of those toys where something pops up," says Mark W. Roberts, a professor of clinical psychology at Idaho State University in Pocatello. "I pull; big sister squeals. This is fun!"

Or your child may be pulling hair, says Roberts, "to make bad things go away. Someone's crawling over him or taking his toys. He reaches out and pulls hair, and the bad thing stops."

Another reason for your child's behavior might be that your child is developing the cognitive skills to reason things out, and he may pull hair to try to control the direction of a particular situation.

Say his older sister takes the last cookie, and he pulls her hair to make her squeal. "You might step in and make his big sister share the cookie with him," Roberts says. "More important is the likelihood that his big sister will think twice before taking the last cookie next time around."

Finally, if your child is pulling out his own hair, he might be upset or anxious. This can also indicate a type of impulse control disorder. If you're concerned that your child is pulling out his own hair, talk to his doctor.

What to do about hair pulling

Show him that it doesn't work. One of the keys to suppressing your child's aggression is to demonstrate convincingly that it will get him nowhere.

If you ignore his hair pulling, the behavior will "work" (because whoever's hair is yanked will most likely do what your child wants), and the behavior will worsen as he learns that pulling hair gets results. If you read too much into the situation, you'll play right into his hands. ("Harry must have pulled Eli's hair because Eli was being mean. I'll distract Harry with a story…") Your child doesn't grasp the complexity of the social interaction, but what he does learn is that if he pulls hair, you take pity on him and he gets to sit in your lap.

Instead, demonstrate the futility of pulling hair. For example, if your child pulled his playmate's hair to capture a toy, hand the toy back to his friend as you explain to your child, "We don't pull hair." You have to act fast for this technique to work because young children live in the moment.

Interrupt the behavior. When you catch your child with a fistful of hair, gently disentangle him, then grasp his hand and hold it while you say, "We don't pull hair. Pulling hair hurts."

You may want to follow up by immediately imposing what Roberts calls a "chair time-out." Stay with your child but don't speak to him or engage him during his time-out, which should last a minute or two.

Talk it out. When the time-out is over, talk through the situation with your child. It's important to do this even if he doesn't yet have the verbal skills for a detailed conversation because it demonstrates that talking (not hair pulling) is the way to solve problems.

Ask him, "What did you do that was wrong?" and follow that with, "Why was it wrong?" Don't worry if he answers, "Because I had to have a time-out."

"This is developmentally normal," says Roberts. "Follow it up by saying, 'Yes, you'll have a time-out if you pull hair, but there's something else we need to think about. It's important not to pull hair because you might hurt someone.'"

Don't expect miracles right away. Young children have to learn the hard way – by doing something over and over until they realize that they won't get away with it. Just be consistent and try not to get frustrated.

As your child becomes more verbal, teach him to solve problems by talking through alternative solutions: "Instead of pulling her hair, what could you do the next time your sister bosses you around?" Help your child practice saying no to his sister and expressing himself in words.

Don't pull back. Never pull your child's hair to "teach" him how it feels. He pulls hair because he's trying to change something – to stop his sister from taking his toys, for instance. If you pull his hair to stop him from pulling her hair, you're teaching him that hair pulling is the way to alter someone's behavior.

Model the behavior you want him to emulate – using words to express his needs and not harming others, no matter how frustrated he feels.

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