Literophilia is described as the “sexual affection or perversion for literary characters, esp. for characters invented by the sufferer.” Although Literophilia is not necessarily classified by the American Psychiatric Association, it is believed that there are millions of authors that sexually obsess over their own fictitious characters, and while many of these poor individuals are unaware of their affliction, they may be spotted all over social media and PR 1 link building websites tastelessly dropping SPAM advertisements about their books.

Author “Late” Mitchell Warren is a married writer living in Fort Worth Texas and he prefers dating not only what he can control—but also what he creates. “I have always been a narcissist. But after reading a very bold and newsworthy story at Salon.com, I discovered that my sexuality is really the most important thing on Facebook. And I realized that I have always been attracted to my own literary characters. I don’t just make love to myself, that is an offensive myth to us literophiles. I actually make love to fractured parts of my ego and id. The disassociation is what gets me wet…er, I mean hard. Please don’t quote that last part.”

Warren’s wife, who begged for anonymity for obvious reasons, spoke bluntly about the joys and trials of being married to a writer who can’t help but fantasize about literary heroines and villains…and in essence, fantasize mostly about boffing himself.

“I wish he was a narcissist…they are a lot easier to understand!”

“I wish he was a narcissist…they are a lot easier to understand. But my husband insists on me dressing up like ‘Anne’, ‘Amara’, ‘Floren’, ‘Mary Melancholy’ and ‘Salem the Witch.’ I even ask him sometimes, “Well honey what do they wear? And he pauses for moments on in, the saddest look in his little face, as he realizes he never actually described their clothing that much in the narrative.”

However, having sex with someone who is on a strict sexual diet, has its own perks. “The good part about it is, he is very descriptive when we have sex. And it’s great because he gets so excited about describing all these huge paragraphs of erotic description that go on forever, and I can actually go down stairs refill my liquor, watch TV and then come back just in time for the point of it all.”

Warren says that love is never compromised in such complicated sexual politics. “The truth is, my wife and I first met while trading fictitious characters to whore out and that’s when we fell in love. I delivered my characters to her, and she delivered hers to mine. I took her characters and put them to work in a brothel. She made strippers out of all my characters. It was a romance very much like When Harry Met Sally… although our fictional characters didn’t quite appreciate that aspect of it.”

Which brings us to an even greater point (since one man’s sex life should not really count as “news”): what about the rights of these fictional characters? Just because they don’t really exist, doesn’t mean they are undeserving of respect. Is pimping out your literary characters and forcing them to engage in a sex scene just because the plot demands is, a subtle form of human trafficking?

Late Mitchell Warren 2016

Warren doesn’t think so, and twirls his mustache as he replies, in a drunken stupor. “These c*cks*ckers always want to tell me how to write my stories according to political correctness. But dammit, if I got a deadline due at 12 noon, then my fictional characters are just going to have to fake it and pretend they enjoy simulated sex. I’m a pretty harsh man when it comes to people doing their job, or in this case, fictional characters doing what the quotes and action description tells them to do. If there’s one thing I hate in life, it’s fictional characters who don’t even do what you write them to do! What happens if every literary character decides to go on strike because he or she doesn’t like how shallow their speaking roles are? Then it’s Writer’s Block and that’s bad for everybody. If I have to, I’ll hire a fictional assassin to kill you off on Page 101.”