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Processing Through the Sadness

Bare with me… I’m foggy-headed because my doctor increased one of my meds and it’s too much. I was taking 800mg at night before bed and she changed it to 400mg, 3 times per day. I just can’t keep doing this. Also, I still have a cough AND my breathing still isn’t 100% (but still much better than it was). I’m just not feeling great.

Robert, Karis, Ethan, and my father-in-law went for a drive in the Jeep around the mountain here in New Mexico where we’re staying. I just woke up from another nap, but I feel the need to get things out of my head, so here I am.

I woke up this morning (after 12 hours of broken sleep and lots of dreams) feeling really sad that my anxiety/mental illness doesn’t allow me to homeschool all of my kids. I hate my brain and hate that I don’t get to live out my dream because of it. I’m also sad that the boys are really excited about staying in school. It’s totally selfish, but yeah. I guess I’m going to have to grieve this. I’m totally hoping that I will be able to homeschool them next year, but I just don’t know. Every single time I’ve tried to homeschool them I have had terrible anxiety or depression. I want to be content with just homeschooling Karis (just homeschooling her brings joy but not anxiety). She needs to be homeschooled. And I have just enough mental ability to do that. But I just want to be a “homeschooling family.” Maybe that’s just not God’s plan. I don’t understand why I would have such a strong desire for something that I can’t do. I guess it’s just *my* dream but not reality for our family.

The more and more I think about it, I’m realizing that maybe I am just in love with the idea of homeschooling all of the kids and the philosophies that I have adopted or that I want to adopt. And I feel like I’m a better mom if I homeschool all of my kids and live out those philosophies. This makes me take a deep breath and a huge step back.

What does that mean for me and all the other moms out there that can’t live out the “ideal?”

We all just do the best we can. Each child has a different need. Each mom has a different need. Each family has a different circumstance.

Things may not look the way I want them to, but they will be the way they need to be for the health of our family.

I’m a list maker, so here are some of the benefits of having the boys in school:

Routine/schedule (which is actually really good for my anxiety)

The ability to teach just Karis (and she is super independent so she will be easy)

Very little pressure on me to be their sole educator

The ability to go to counseling and AA more often

Being able to focus on my self care

The boys will be with other kids, and they are both extroverts

They loved school this past year

Class parties, field trips, field day

Being involved in the community again

Saving money (not spending a fortune on curriculum, homeschooling supplies, books, etc and being able to sell a bit)

The boys are happy that they don’t start school till August 23rd so they have a lot of summer left. With homeschooling, we were starting a full load when we got back from Glorieta! I see several more weeks of relaxation ahead!