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Of all the words that I never imagined I’d say, “I buried my dad today” are among them.

I buried my dad today, surrounded by friends, family, and strangers.

I buried my dad today, sitting with my husband and my children. My brother, his wife, and their children. My sister and her husband. Uncles, cousins, in-laws, distant relatives I never see.

I buried my dad today. We listened as the Deacon gave his sermon based on the information I had provided: “Joe had heart. He was a bit of a creature of habit. He loved his family.”

He loved his family. He loved his children.

I buried my dad today. I heard the eulogies, and I gave my own – one that I wrote over and over in my head and it was simply never good enough. Would it ever be good enough? Could it ever be good enough?

I buried my dad today. I watched as my baby brother, my husband, and four other pallbearers carried his casket from the chapel to the hearse, from the hearse to his final resting place.

“He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was a proud father. He was my mentor. He was my best friend. He was my Daddy Joe.”

When I took on the unfortunate task of calling friends and family to inform them of my father’s passing, those are just a few of the words I heard – Good. Kind. Proud. Friend. Daddy. That is a testament to the man that he was, for he was all of those things to a lot of people. And yes, he was in fact all of those things to me, but he was also so much more.

The first Christmas after my mom left, money was really tight. I remember asking for a Teddy Ruxpin. It was this creepy talking bear that “read” stories via a cassette player in his butt. I was sure I wasn’t going to get it, but even in the hardest of times, my dad did what he did best – he provided. So he went to Toys ‘r Us and found the last Teddy Ruxpin on the shelf, but it was broken.

Most people would give a sigh and find something else, something second best. But not my dad. So being the master negotiator that he was, he talked the salesperson down in price and walked out with a bear that did everything but talk; being the tinkerer he was, he brought that bear home and repaired it; being the daddy that he was, he had it ready for me on Christmas morning.

Over the years, my dad has given me a lot – my first bicycle, my first Walkman. When I was 13 and wanted to learn how to play guitar, he took me to a pawnshop and bought me a little acoustic thing that would eventually grow dust in my bedroom. He put dinner on my plate every single night for 19 years, and we ate as a family almost as often. He drove me to school, took me to the ER when I split my chin open, rushed me to urgent care after I fell off of my bike and fractured my wrist. He was there for every cold, every bruise, every break-up, and every subsequent tear. He talked me down from the cliffs of adolescent insanity – and believe me, there was a lot of that in my house. He stood steadfast through some pretty uncomfortable moments as a father dealing with a teenager daughter – emphasis on pretty uncomfortable. He walked me down the aisle at my wedding, and tried not to laugh as I swore and cursed in his ear because I was so incredibly nervous.

He did all of these things not because he had to – he GAVE me these things because he wanted to.

And once I had children of my own, he did his best to give them what he had given me. He adored my kids and I am so blessed that although his time with them was cut short, it was time of quality and meaning.

It’s no secret that of the three of his children I was something of a black sheep. While my brother and sister walked the line, followed the rules, and were home at curfew, I was the daughter who rebelled. Growing up I made it a point to do exactly the opposite of what my father asked of me. I wreaked havoc, caused fights, stomped, stormed, and slammed doors. But instead of fighting against me, my dad fought for me.

When others would have left, my dad stayed.When others would have given up, my dad fought.
When others would have cried, my dad laughed.

But perhaps the most significant, most important thing he ever did was give me the gift of a father who showed up, a father who was present, a father who, despite all odds, despite the times he himself felt sheer defeat, he told me I was worth something – he showed me how to believe in myself.

He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was a friend, a teacher, a workhorse, a fixer, and a fighter.