Have you heard there’s going to be an Eggplant Emoji movie? Oh, no? Well, there is one. It’s about a severed dick.

The forthcoming Netflix movie, which is unsurprisingly produced by the creators and stars of Workaholics, has just landed its director: Jake Szymanski, who you might know from directing Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates and the fake sports docs starring Andy Samberg like 7 Days In Hell and Tour de Pharmacy. This is the plot of the movie:

When a teenager accidentally cuts off his penis during a camping trip, he and his friends rush to save the appendage before it’s too late. The intent is to make a comedy in the vein of Superbad, the 2007 film that focused on friendship but was loaded with insane situations and R-rated language.

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Oh, I get it. So this movie is not really about the beloved emoji character but instead about a teen’s limp, severed, (imagining here) purple penis. Got it.

Listen... we don’t need this. We really just don’t. I refuse this film! Thank you.