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Thursday, April 16, 2009

College is the time where the bro in training gets his wings and becomes the bro that he will be for the next 10 years of his life. It’s a time of growth, added responsibility, and an most importantly – getting really fucked up. Every bro has wild stories from college that usually involve a shitload of alcohol and some sort of hilarious disgrace to a bra. Every bro also claims that their college had the wildest parties and therefore they had the best time. Luckily for me, I went to what is widely considered the biggest party school in America (William & Mary) so I always win those debates. But what makes a college party worthy of telling your bros, lets look at the criteria:

Kegs: Perhaps the most important aspect of the party is how much alcohol was punished. Kegs are an absolute must for a good party. If you ever start a story and someone stops to ask you how many kegs you had, you do not want to have to tell them you just had a couple cases. Please note, any time you find yourself someplace where cases are being served, you are NOT at a party, you are at a pre-game. Anyways, the more kegs the better; if you can get into double digits with then you tell that story to everyone. Also important is the hard liquor. This adds to your story immensely. Which sounds more legit? “Dude, we had 3 kegs.” Or “Dude, we killed 3 kegs, 4 bottles of liquor, AND a Gin Bucket.” Obviously, the second, who cares if no one drank the gin bucket because you made it so shitty – it was there at the party, so it fucking counts.

How drunk people got – If people were going fucking ape-shit at your party, you’re going to want to let other people know. This included dancing on tables, drinking out of teapots when cups run out, burned household items, hook-ups and most importantly pass-outs. It’s well known bro-code that when some random guy passes out in your house, you have the right to do whatever you what to him. One of my bros’ best stories involved a passed out guy in his bed. After drawing on his face got boring, we moved him to a nearby couch to spend the night, when he woke up, he was greeted by a tied-off condom which someone had spit into. Oh, and did I mention he was probably pretty sore back there because a girl had tried to sodomize him with a wine bottle the night before? Never saw that guy again.

Cops – This can add some major street cred to your story. If you are at such a rager that the cops show up, this is a story that needs to be told. The only thing better for your story than the pigs showing up is if someone gets arrested, preferably for trying to fight the cops. Shockingly, Cops don’t really like to hear things like “Fuck you pigs” and “Do you know who my father is?” aka typical things bros have been known to say. So, more than likely, if these things are said, someone is going to the slammer. Taking one for the team in this situation is a smart move, not only does it give the party more bro-cred, but it gives you your jail story too.

Everyone knows that bro code for passed out people says that they have to have passed out with their shoes on for them to be fair game. If they manage to take their shoes off they are left alone. Unless they're a bro hater.

the gin bucket, or gin bin as i learned it, is standard brotocol for blacking out massive amounts of bros and bras.

the recipe- 2 parts sprite, 1 part plastic bottle-caliber gin, fresh squeezed lemons and or limes (which is key to get the beezies involved), ice, and as many turkey basters as you can get your bro hands on all piled into a styrafoam container.

Fuck the brohaters who got shit with WM. I'm a current WM bro and just two weeks ago we took an empty keg shell, popped that bitch open, and filled it with crat and mixers. We were slammin bras by midnight.

6 kegs is what we pre-game with at Arizona State.....its ok ur still a true bro for trying to compete but on a Tuesday night we will have about 8 kegs....not a problem Bro's have to unite against the bro haters that wouldn't want us to drink because you have a 7:30 am class .....I go to class fucked up and will still be more successful than the sober bro haters in the front row

Texas state is where the fuckin raging and most pounding out of butt sluts goes down last rush we had a party with 300 cases 12 6pack handles and at least 500 slampieces ready to drop panties .. everything is bigger and better in texas

i agree to above comment. i was finger blasting mad slam pieces on the dance floor all fuckin night. good thing you cant get aids on you fingers. and fuck that gdi bro hater up there go tongue punch your boyfriends fart box looser

Broximus Brorellius: continuing to drink straight through the night until 30 mins before an exam then cramming like shit is one of my personal faves... or not going to class at all claiming u have a sick relative or (insert pet).

Threw a party at my house for SEIS de Mayo. We got in a massive fight and 2 slam-boxes got hit with beer bottles. My rommate broke his nose. Some anti-bro found an AX at our place and broke our class door with it and our TV. Broke our homemade Bar and smashed 2 windows Some anti-bro said he was going to come back at shoot all of us after he got his gun from his car but he couldn't because he got arrested and is on police video tape kicking a KO'd kid in the face in the street. 3 of us got supienas to show up in court and testify. Everyone outside got maced by the cops and one of the anti-bros started crying haha. My soccer team all got suspended from school and banned from campus for a week... It was pretty chill.

I agree with Brox, Arizona State goes fucking hard! Its been a top 20 party school for decades and Playboy constantly ranks us as having the hottest girls. In terms of the number of parties that go down I can't guarantee its #1 in the nation but in terms of the number of hot sluts that go out and every night and the number of kids that are down to get #142 blackout drunk every night it is by far #1