Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.

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On a thieving little twit

I got caught shoplifting from a major retail chain. It was dumb, I know, and I shouldn’t have done it, but I get some weird satisfaction from it. I’m not a spoiled brat; I earn every dollar I have, but sometimes I just want something the rich girls have. Stealing it makes it even better for some reason. Messed up — I know.

They banned me from all of their store locations as well as all their affiliate chains for three years, which I can deal with, since it was all too expensive anyway. They said what they wouldn’t call the police but would instead settle this privately. I just received a letter demanding a $350 settlement with the next 20 days.

This seems steep. The total cost of the things I tried to lift was well under $100 and they recouped all of it. Also, I graduated from college last week (woooo) but am currently in the pool of jobless millennials that everyone is so fond of writing about these days. I’m already on food stamps and I’m really anxious about paying rent next month if I don’t find something fast. I know I’ll get something soon, but bills don’t wait on that and I don’t really have $350 of wiggle room at the moment.

Do you think the punishment is fair? I’m trying to see both sides, but I really want to contest it. Should I, or should I just pay up and deal with the heavy punishment this multimillion-dollar corporation is laying on me because it’s better than jail time (or whatever would have happened if they’d called the cops)? Basically, I’m asking if I’m really as terrible as this company is making me out to be.

Ugh. Yes, you’re terrible. You’re a whiny, remorseless little twit with a massive sense of entitlement and no integrity. The worst part is that you’re trying to portray yourself as the victim here. It’s disgusting.

Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound bragging about how you earn every dollar you have? You’re on food stamps, bitch. You’re just a spoiled brat on welfare trying to justify shoplifting a tacky set of earrings from Macy’s.

You’re a petty thief. How is it possible that you’re not every flavor of ashamed? Are you really that much of a narcissist that you think you don’t deserve this? No one is taking advantage of you. In fact, you’re getting off easy, and you should consider yourself lucky that this matter is being settled privately.

If you were smart, you’d shut up and pay the money, but I hope you’re as dumb as you seem. I hope your overinflated ego gets the best of you and you give them the middle finger. I hope they press criminal charges and grind you through the system so you can get a taste of what real punishment is like.