forgiveness

“Shed the light of a boundless love on every human being whom you meet,whether of your country, your race, your political party, or of any other nation, colour or shade of political opinion. Heaven will support you while you work in this in-gathering of the scattered peoples of the world beneath the shadow of the almighty tent of unity.”

“THIRTEEN years ago,researchers at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum began the grim task of documenting all the ghettos, slave labor sites, concentration camps and killing factories that the Nazis set up throughout Europe.””What they have found so far has shocked even scholars steeped in the history of the Holocaust.””The researchers have cataloged some 42,500 Nazi ghettos and camps throughout Europe, spanning German-controlled areas from France to Russia and Germany itself, during Hitler’s reign of brutality from 1933 to 1945.”

“. . . Dr. Megargee said he expected to find perhaps 7,000 Nazi camps and ghettos, based on postwar estimates. But the numbers kept climbing — first to 11,500, then 20,000, then 30,000, and now 42,500.

“As Germany invadedand began occupying European neighbors, the use of camps and ghettos was expanded to confine and sometimes kill not only Jews but also homosexuals, Gypsies, Poles, Russians and many other ethnic groups in Eastern Europe. The camps and ghettos varied enormously in their mission, organization and size, depending on the Nazis’ needs, the researchers have found.”

No room in my heart for prejudice, Baha’i faith

42,500 acts of kindness is a start – a tiny, symbolic start,

so that hatred and bigotry may end.

*“Love the creatures for the sake of God and not for themselves. You will never become angry or impatient if you love them for the sake of God. Humanity is not perfect. There are imperfections in every human being, and you will always become unhappy if you look toward the people themselves. But if you look toward God, you will love them and be kind to them, for the world of God is the world of perfection and complete mercy.”

“Therefore, do not look at the shortcomings of anybody; see with the sight of forgiveness. The imperfect eye beholds imperfections. The eye that covers faults looks toward the Creator of souls. He created them, trains and provides for them, endows them with capacity and life, sight and hearing; therefore, they are the signs of His grandeur. You must love and be kind to everybody, care for the poor, protect the weak, heal the sick, teach and educate the ignorant.”
― Abdu’l-Bahá

Mmmmmm, I thought, Interesting question. Which led me to a bigger question: Can we ever truly forget?

The mind is a strange and wondrous place. I believe that EVERYTHING, every thought, feeling , observation, experience the sum total of our life is stored. Stored in the brain? Stored in the soul? Stored in Ashakic records? Don’t know.

I believe that we can consciously forget small transgressions or hurts (mercifully the older we get the more we forget) but never do we consciously or unconsciously forget a deep wounding or repeated hurts from the same person/source.

“Trauma” memory is stored in the brain for easy retrieval. It is a survival mechanism to remember the growl of a bear so we aren’t eaten. It’s not a survival mechanism to remember stubbing our toe in a babbling brook.

Mmmmmm, I mused on. Which led me to this:

What strengthens relationships is when the “transgressor” admits to his/her role, works on making amends and changes the hurtful behaviour. This takes time – lots of time to – to do right behaviour over and over and over. When the trust is broken it is never, in my experience, forgotten, nor should it be.

This is what I tell clients who have been hurt:

“You can forgive them for being _______ (stupid, selfish, limited, deranged etc) but do not trust them until they’ve demonstrated trustworthy behaviour consistently for a long time.

Trust is EARNED through trustworthy behaviour over time.Ideally their words and behaviour should match. If there’s a disconnect focus on the behaviour, not the words. . . Always the behavior.

Time and right behaviour strengthen relationships. And don’t forget it!

Like this:

Max snapped at me. Max is a weeeeeeeee bit stubborn. (He calls it determined being an attribute of both the terrier and hound that he is). When he doesn’t want to do something he DOESN’T do it – even for cookie treats. He also has a sensitive area on his spine. I needed him to go to the other room and he needed to stay where he was. When I tried to pick him up, after many an authoritative “command”, he snapped at me. It was a “LEAVE-ME-ALONE, I-hurt”-snap as no skin contact was made.

It scared me (as it was meant to do). I forgave him for snapping at me. I knew this was about him and his limitations to communicate and not about not loving me. Max cannot exceed his capabilities anymore than you or I can exceed ours.

However, I’m not going to FORGET his “snapping” and will heed his warnings earlier.

Whatever she said, I’m Innocent

I am often asked by clients “How can I ever forgive my family who inflicted horrible harm on me when I can never forget it”? Forgiving and forgetting are two separate things.

We should never forget something/someone who has hurt us. That’s a basic principle of survival. If it’s harmful remember it and avoid it. BUT do NOT let other’s limitations define who we are. (I’m a loving human, not a dog abuser – Max knows as he regularly forgives me my limitations)

Forgiveness is the realization that those who have harmed us are limited by their capabilities. Their harmful actions arise from their capabilities, who they are, not who we are.

Forgiving is a mental decision which relieves us of emotional pain, anger, hurt etc.

Not forgiving is based on the belief that others are capable of different/better behavior than how they actually behave.

If I can’t forgive Max then I am assuming he was capable at that time of making a better choice and deliberately chose what I perceive as harmful.

If people truly are capable and choose the harmful response that is at best mean and at worst evil: Most people are not evil; Most are not capable; Most are just immersed in themselves (in ego) and are incapable of taking another’s point of view.

When people’s limited capabilities create painful actions we can forgive them for being limited human beings. We just don’t forget.