Monday, July 15, 2013

Comment spam fascinates me more than it should. Given that it's been around since the dawn of the internet, I can't help but wonder if these ridiculously lazy, assinine marketing ploys actually work on people. I mean, it's a supply and demand kind of world, righht? Who are the suppliers? Who are the demanders? I need some answers.

Think about it. Are there actually people out there sipping their morning coffee, half-heartedly reading some blog post about Kim and Kanye's unholy spawn, scrolling down to the comment section to read witty bon mots about Kim's giant ass and Kanye's sucky music, then stopping cold as their eyes latch on to some mysterious, cryptic comment extolling the virtues of some "weird trick" for eliminating belly fat, a simple, miraculous technique so effective that "diet doctors don't even want you to know"? Really, do these people exist? Do they say to themselves, "Holy cow, this must be fate! Here I've been wondering what to do about this jelly roll around my waist, and then I just happen to click on this lame Kimye story and--out of nowhere!--there's this post right here--like it was meant to be--claiming there's a safe and easy way to get my body 'bikini-ready' in six weeks? Hey Ashton! Put down that damn X-Box doo-hickey and fetch Mama her Discover card!"

And then there are my questions about the purveyous of comment spam. For instance: am I correct in assuming that most comment spam is autogenerated? Or is some rube with a tenuous grasp of the English language being paid like 5 cents per post from some fly-by-night outift in like, Singapore or something? If you have any theories, please feel free to post them in the comments.

Without further ado, here's some of the more entertaining comment spam I've recently come across.

From a YouTube video of an old "Love Connection" episode, comment posted by a Daniel Enache:

"That was good information. I'm here simply because my mate all of a sudden turned awesome with girls. He started getting chicks magically. I found myself stunned. He pretended he didn't notice. Then he smiled and told me﻿ while he was wasted. Turns out he uses the Jake Ayres Master Attraction Formula. Google it and you'll find it... He's dating a sexy chick."

Another comment under the same video clip, this one courtesy of an Ujwol Suwal:

"I'm bothered. My friend resides in the opposite room. I'm displeased because he lately turned outstanding at seducing gals. The guy found the Master Attraction web page by Jake Ayres (Search in Google). All he's doing now is screwing women.﻿ He's continuously getting the ladies back. I hear it, which is gross and If only he never discovered that site. My best companion just signed up and got a blowjob a week later. I am envious!"

Same comment section, from another jealous fellow called Dinesh Jain:

"Alright.﻿ I'm bothered. My friend resides on the floor above me. I'm aggravated because he just grew superb at attracting the women. The guy found the Master Attraction site by Jake Ayres (Search in Google). Now I hear him bringing women back. He's continuously bringing ladies back and I hear it, which is gross and I wish he had not found that site."

Then there's this one, from PLFM (the first blog to pick up my Simon Reid story):

"Whаt's up, always i used to check blog posts here early in the morning, because i love to learn more and more. Feel free to surf to my blog post:deep fryers on sale."

Finally, these last three gems are comments posted on a Hollywood gossip site beneath a photo of C-list actress Jennifer Love Hewitt with her new baby daddy. It's just....I mean.....wow. "Sniff that panty"? I'm really out of words here.

"Please feel carefree to pursue her profile on sniff-that-panty-dot-com I have hear that she has many the wild fantasies. Bon Chance!"

"She is really sexy!!! I have ever seen her hot video at interracialconnect.com which is a niche interracial dating site for all singls. She is really sexy with bikini in that video. You will know how passionate interracial kiss it is after seening it."

"They are a pair made in heaven. They members on nudistmingle.com where they met and dating like their nude photos and profiles. Merry Christmas!"