Life is a Flow of love. Your Presence is Requested.

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Originally published on Rebelle Society

October 8, 2014

I came into this world alone and I will leave it alone, but in between I have been rewriting my happily ever after.

It’s not a destination I seek, it’s here and now. I do not need anything or anyone to complete me, for I was born beautifully whole. I have walked this earth. I’ve been battered and bruised. I’ve been held in love and held in lies.

I have inhaled the grand vistas, walked through the dense jungles, swum the depths of the ocean and found my way through the darkness of night.

I am a warrior.

Yes, I have scars on my flesh and in my heart, but they are not who I am. They are stories, lessons and reminders that have brought me to present moment. They have shown me how far I have traveled.

I will not be defeated by illusion, for I know there is so much more to this existence I see.

I see beyond the stars.

I hear whispers in the wind as she blows through me.

I see reflections in the pools of the eyes that meet mine…

… and visions that flash in my consciousness.

I talk to nature.

I honor the sun and the moon.

I celebrate fire, and rest by the water’s edge.

I feel life with every fiber of my being.

I have eyes of a tiger…

… and wings of an angel.

My senses are strong, so come in truth with your naked soul. In your vulnerability there is strength beyond measure. I warn you, I am all fire and if you hold back an inch you will burn. We have had our hearts break. I celebrate it. I realize it has broken me open to the vastness of this existence.

If your heart is closed or you live in fear, I suggest you don’t tread here.

There have been those who have claimed to love me, and I loved them deeply as I welcomed them inside my heart and the flesh of my existence. When I love, I love; it is limitless and never ends.

I have had amazing experiences while levitating off my bed and astral-cosmic connections that were out of this world.

But I desire that dedicated partner, here and now, in present time, to team up and support each other in all our endeavors, healing humanity and living a passionate existence in all ways.

A partner where we rock this world together inside and outside of our lovers’ embrace.

I travel well alone, however, in union there is strength.

I am not easily defined, or chained to one spot.

I like to explore the depths of this world and discover and uncover all that we are.

I remember years ago laying in bed thinking, something is just not right. I have done everything I am suppose to do, but this does not feel right. There was a division in our bed, in our heart and soul. I had been with my husband for nearly 20 years we had two beautiful children, yet there were struggles, addictions and lies. I loved this man. I thought we were creating the life we wanted; however the disconnect and shadows were emerging showing us that we were not truly living our truths. I knew there was work to do, individually and together if we were going to make it work. I was angry, thinking how can this happen? I have done everything to be a good girl, woman, wife, mother lover is suppose to do. I was the fixer, the giver, the rescuer. I had to be in control and have everything “in order” because that is where I felt safe; however that was an illusion, story and pattern the emerged from my experience as a little girl.

The truth is I did not trust the Masculine.

The truth is I had to let go of everything.

I had to allow everything to fall apart, including myself to see what was trying to present itself.

I did not grow up with a father, all my loves left me and later was raped that stunted my life force, creativity and growth. I wore my warrior goddess armor proudly. I had been through hell and back. I was open, caring and compassionate, yet extremely guarded. A beautiful paradox in many ways. I was constantly reliving the abandonment story. This story is ripe in all of us in some form or another. I needed and so desperately wanted to re-connect with myself. As soon as I set that intention, the energy started coming back and life started rearranging. I connected with a man that I knew would change my life. I was not sure how, but the force I felt I knew I needed to follow it.

I remember laying in bed with my husband as we were working our way through the early stages of our transition and he said, “I know he reaches your soul where I cannot not. I don’t know if I ever can. You do what you need to do and know I love you and will always be here for you.”

Deep down I knew that was the truth.

And that truth was Love.

2012 as you know was the end of the world; however, not how many people were perceiving it. It was a turning point to assist people into alignment with their truest selves. To come face to face with their demons, to learn to love and accept themselves. To unite and reconcile within. Yet it was never a guarantee that it would be an easy road. It’s been about peeling away layers of conditioning and what we have been “taught” is right and acceptable. It’s about coming back and trusting yourself. In trusting yourself, you have to see that everything is happening for you. Everything is a gift, even if it does not feel that way at the time.

I had spent years healing from my rape, physically, mentally and emotionally. I am resilient and bounce back quickly. I have been reflecting on how all of us have experienced a violation of our spirit in some form. I soon realized that this “other man” wasn’t just another man, he was a messenger, playing a very important role for me. I have also come to see that the relationships I have had with the masculine are a reflection of the the inner healing of my masculine principal. As we have heard, seen, felt the rise in the feminine, we must not forget our counterpart. He has to heal too as he has been conditioned to be something other than his true self. This is happening within every soul, this is happening on the individual and collective level.

The moment we met was magnetic. He said, “You made it” and those words had a deeper meaning we both understood at some level. He held me for what seemed like eternity and then we sat and talked. We were at a event listening to stories about how to bring awareness to sex trafficking. Ironic right? No. All on purpose. Later, at his place we stayed up late talking and then at some point he kissed me. I felt my entire energy field rearrange. We made out on his couch for hours, completely natural and free. I told him I was not ready to surrender fully and he said he knew and understood. This was a first layer of healing for me.

Presence.

Listening.

Safety.

Respect.

Part of me was renewed.

The most intimate parts of myself were coming back.

I have always been connected to my sexuality, my creative life force, yet over the years it was caged. I had frustrations in my love life because the energy was not fully matched or align. All a reflection of my inner dynamics, my inner relationship. This is when my Inner Alchemy began.

We will call my lover Sam.

Sam and I had a very tumultuous dance. Yet as I reflect many years later, we were working things out within ourselves with each other. We were traveling the heights and the depths, undoing old stories and conditioning. There were lots of fights, tears and tantrums and lots of lovemaking. It was all love making. We were in the ring, gloves off, throwing punches only to smack us both into a deeper awareness of what was playing out, what was wanting to have it’s way, what we needed to see in ourselves to live our deepest truths and live in love and freedom.

One day, we spent hours, nearly all day in night in union. It was the most magnificent dance of erotic love I have ever experienced. At one point he said, “Get on top of me, I want you to ride me baby.” As soon as I straddled him and received him in, there was another shift in me. I was completely open. All my energy centers spontaneously opened. The flood gates opened and I was free, riding my stallion into eternity. The feminine was wild and free and the masculine was strong and present witnessing the emergence of a woman that was enslaved. This was the sacrament of communion where the embodiment of the masculine and feminine principals in harmony and union, expressing and creating worlds together.

We think of Intimacy as being sexual, but it is so much more than that. It’s looking inside and connecting with yourself. All parts of yourself, the light, the shadow, the masculine, the feminine the heaven (higher consciousness) and Earth (our grounded presence). At some level, I think Sam knew exactly what is purpose was with me. He always had that look in his eye. He could see right through me and most people do not. He reminded me (over and over) that I am beautiful, I am wild, I am free. He reminded me that my sexuality is sacred and that it should be honored and respected. That when souls are in alignment it brings forth deep healing and higher awareness and liberation.

Sam challenged me and he did so in love. I did not always see it that way. He wanted me to challenged my beliefs, and reflect on my stories and patterns and see where there was a loop, see where I could step out and become my most authentic self. He constantly encouraged me to fly. He encouraged me to write. He knew I was scared. He knew that I had lost trust, but everything he did was so I could trust myself again. So I could restore an element in myself that had been in hiding for so long. As I began to trust the masculine in me again, my feminine became stronger. The inner relationship began to blossom.

After awhile our journeys shifted, yet we have remained connected in love.

There is an Inner Alchemy going on within each of us. All of our souls are playing roles to assist us with our own personal transformation. Do not look outside, if you do, look with a reflective lens. All of your answers are within. We have many messengers along the way, don’t ignore them. If you do, they will come back louder until to reconcile fully with yourself.

I have been blessed to have had a supportive and selfless partner. Undefined, unlabeled, semi-private, unordinary, deeply connected. It’s been an interesting dance as sometimes the mirror triggers as much as they reflect the deep compassionate love that exists.

We are both givers, learning how to receive, learning trust, patience and acceptance. We are similar in many ways, but also have our differences and attributes that make us unique. I am more extroverted, he is more introverted. We are a walking, talking yin and yang. He has his life, I have mine and we have us.

Recently I felt him go into his cave. No notice, no explanation, no heads up. This is not something I am familiar with and triggered ever insecurity and irrational thought I have ever had in my life. I literally went into a tail spin. I was oscillating from attempting to be understanding to not understanding and finding myself in a full on rage. Trying my best not to take it personal. But my GOD it felt personal to me. I was looking for signposts to prove my current thought process and realized I was in the middle of cycling out old stories and energies.

Something was up for both of us for healing.

He has done nothing but support me through every hill and valley. He has held space for me like a boss, when I thought for sure he was going to write me off. He was still standing every single time telling me, “I am here, this will pass…” I have never in my life experienced a presence like this.

Meanwhile in the man cave, he popped up for air once in awhile to say, ” I am still processing, I will be back soon.”

It’s been one of the most uncomfortable places in my life, but it has also been a gift. I went to some of my closest friends to vent and gleen some insight, something as I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I had two schools of thought running, but when I calmed down and tuned in I could feel the truth.

After talking to a close friend that gives it to me straight every single time, I just sat and sighed with tears rolling down my face. I really had to check myself and I had a realization that was not so fun to have either.

I was being selfish.

I picked myself up and dropped down into my heart and wrote him this note.

Love,I feel like I have failed you.You already know that this is extremely difficult for me, however, I am a resilient spirit. This is completely foreign to me. I do love and respect you and your needs as hard as it is for me not to feel connected or engaged with you.

I will honor your request for as long as you need.

I am feeling the intensity of all the feels, but not letting it cloud my deep gratitude and appreciation I have for you and everything we have experienced together, for all the times you have been there for me, supported me and held space for me, for the smiles, the laughter, the love and the passionate union and everything we have co-created. This has been a healing journey and not without struggle and pain, but I am grateful I have had you with me, because you have shown me love. It may not be what I thought it would look like, but a pure sweet unconditional love. I have to remember this is all happening for a greater purpose and it’s a wild fucking ride.

I needed some perspective, I wanted to understand so I could be in a better place to support you. I talked with a close friend of mine. And he pretty much smacked me in the face when he said:

” I think you don’t love him as much as he loves you, and that you love your pain body more than him. I think you need to evaluate that completely, and focus on whatever light this wound has allowed to shine. He needed silence, you gave him noise. He needed distance, you gave him anger. He needed to go inward, you forced him outward. “

My heart sank and I am sorry. I have been selfish about all my needs not being met and I could not offer you this…initially.

My lessons have been patience, trust and acceptance.

Forgive me.

Sending love + support.

–

We are all different creatures with different needs and processes. To love someone is to love them fully where they are. You have to feel them, and love them, embrace them where they are without judgment. Communication of needs is vital. Taking care of yourself is vital. Taking time to connect with just yourself is vital. Honoring each other and trusting is vital and accepting each moment, whatever it is, as a gift.

Now it’s my turn to hold space for this amazing being and I will and I am with love.

We have all be initiated into the sacred journey of life. It is the ultimate Shamanic journey. We are Baptized into Being and along this long and winding road we come into Communion with Spirit. Through the illusion and the shadows of doubt we are ask to confirm what lives and breaths us. Throughout life we may betray our hearts and fall deeper into an illusion until one day we see the false life we have created come crashing down and we must reconcile with our own heart.

We have to forgive ourselves for being blind for so long. We may have suffered sickness and dis-ease from our disconnect from Life itself. The Dark Night of the Soul happens.

We Rise again.

We become the Anointed Ones.

The wounded healers.

The Sacred Marriage happens within us.

We celebrate the union of Spirit and Matter.

The physical and the non physical.

The masculine and the feminine.

The holy marriage of life itself, living and breathing in us, through us, as us.

The Holy orders have been given.

The Restoration of Heaven on Earth.

To Live as embodied Free Spirits

As C0-Creators working with the seen and unseen.

A relationship of Trust, Faith, and Love.

Within and Without.

Our Life is sacred, each breath a gift, each moment ceremony, each step a procession to express a Higher Love.

We like to celebrate life with adventures, because that is what life is. We celebrated my son’s 7th birthday with a trip to the Maryland mountains. Many of our expeditions find us somewhere lost in nature; from swimming in the Chesapeake Bay, to exploring somewhere deep in the woods, floating in the waters of South Florida to hiking the Jaguar Preserve in Belize, drumming with the Garifuna of Hopkins Bay and snorkeling with the creatures near the second largest barrier reef. Life is a beautiful exploration.

His birth was an adventure, at 38 weeks I just could not birth in a hospital. I was determined, we were determined, to have a peaceful, natural birth. I had to find a home birth midwife stat and gather all my supplies to prepare for a VBAC water birth at home. 18 hours of labor I was able to get in the warm tub and work with him and my breath to birth him into this dream.

Seven years later I still remember that momentous day and amazed at how fast the time has gone and what an amazing being my son is. He asked to go camping, so we again, gathered our supplies for our celebration at 1300 feet. Nestled in the Mountains near Camp David, our site was at the highest peak. We set up camp, refueled and headed out on our evening hike.

He truly is a wise old soul with a powerful loving heart and free spirit. He is a warrior for this world assisting the rebirth of humanity into a new way of being, a new dream waiting to be discovered in all hearts.

After our hike we got ready to snuggle into our new tent along with his sister and grandmother. It was peaceful, the birds singing us to sleep while they got ready to nest for the night. I got out my journal and asked if I could interview him about that last 7 years of his life.

Me: How have the last seven years been for you?

Son: Awesome! A very good experience. I have had to learn a lot and yeah…”

Me: Tell me about some of your experiences

(Laughing)

Son: I learned to talk and walk. I have learned how animals are different, how to ride a bike, swim. I learned to walk on water with my Daddy’s help.

Me: Do you remember when you came to Earth?

Son: I was first a star, then a dot in your belly and I grew into a human. Then I came out into a pool of water.

Me: How was that for you?

Son: It was like I was in the Bay swimming like a fish.

Me: How was it like to be a baby?

Son: When I first arrived I was a little scared.

Me: What were you scared of?

Son: I was scared of all the big humans.

Me: When were you not scared anymore?

Son: When you held me and fed me and you didn’t put me in the cage.

Me: You mean crib?

(Laughing)

Son: Yes.

Me: What did you like about being a baby?

Son: I did not get into any fights. I liked being outside and when you would take me on the snooze cruise.

Me: How did you feel about walking?

Son: It was impressive. It was my new talent!

Me: Did you like my homemade baby food?

Son: Kinda, mostly (laughing)

Me: They say 7 is a lucky number. How does 7 feel to you?

Son: It feels lucky to me!

Me: Do you have any goals or intentions this year?

Son: I would like to go to Florida, learn to play guitar and play some smooth jazz.

Wait! I am out of my mind. Ok – I am back. (laughing)

Me: What is the deepest thought you have had?

Son: To fly and visit the other side

Me: Have you been to outer space?

Son: No, I would like to go there on a rocket ship

Me: Do you fly in your Dreams?

Son: Yes!

Me: Where?

Son: I fly to the underworld and sometimes I stop to eat at the diner.

Me: What do you eat at the diner?

Son: Salad, deviled eggs, they have spring water and honey and peanut butter sandwiches.

Me: If you had a message to share with the world what would it be?

Son: Please stop hurting your Mother (Earth), do good things for each other and share. Love each other and remember that life is a dream.

There was a light rain that tapped on our tent during our slumber, a dream within a dream. In the morning, my son was the last one to wake up, when he did we sang him happy birthday and he said, “I am awake in my dream!”

The day will come when she will return, with him, and we rise together in harmony again. The second coming of Christ is the consciousness in the sacred hearts of all beings, the beloved sons and daughters of the cosmos.

The illusion is that we have followed the word that has been lost in translation. We have not followed in signs and symbols and the messages in plain sight. We have followed dogma and doctrine without questioning the origin or deeper meaning. We have not, until now, followed fully on the true faith in our own hearts and personal experience. It has been taught for ages, yet not fully embodied because we have been fooled that this something is out there.

That something is right here, right now, living and breathing in you. You are the holy ghost incarnate in it’s physical essence. You are the heart, head and hands of the God + Goddess.

Do you accept that as you receive the holy breath that is the divine spirit. The energy unexplained. The essence that knows and guides and loves you so deeply. This, dear hearts, is you, made in the likeness and image.

Be still and know.

The heart-mind made manifest.

The fire in your belly, the breath in your being and the yearning in your heart is waking you up from a deep slumber.

It’s time to rise and shine beautiful hearts.

He said, “Follow me” meaning his example and leaving so many incredible clues to the alchemy that is Tantra. He was/is showing the way towards inner alchemy and the soul’s evolution through the seven gates (chakras), the emotional, mental and spiritual energetic bodies, uniting the feminine and masculine Christ (the sacred marriage) for the ultimate Self- Realization and hu-man ascension, here and now.

“For love is heaven, and heaven is love” ~ Sir Walter Scott

As Dale Allen Hoffman echos, “We are the one’s we have been waiting for.”

It’s time to find your soul, mate.

We are the creators and the destroyers. We are on the Rise to restore our holy heaven known as Earth.

And the day will come when the earth with shake and the rain will fall. You will feel her, the energy, the holy spirit move through you and all things and you will shake. As the rain falls you will release purifying tears from your eyes that will help you see the truth of your being and this creation.

The Garden of the Divine (GOD) is blooming once again before our eyes.

Tend to your inner garden, nurture the soil of the soul, and use the weeds for medicine to awaken your senses. Beloveds, bite into the sacred apple of wisdom once again and see that this is not a sin, but a sacred symbolic gateway of divine responsibility. It is divine nutrition. Each fruit bears seeds of consciousness. With proper care and responsibility we shall all bloom once again in the Garden of Eden.