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Sunday, June 29, 2008

My entire life I wanted a pool. I have clear memories of driving our neighbors who actually had a pool completely mad begging to go swimming...Come to think of it, that is a little embarrassing. I guess they knew what they were getting in to when they became the only house on the street with one...so I blame them really. Anyway, today was the day we got to go swimming in this...

Nick's dad has put in an in ground pool at his house. All my childhood dreams have come true! I have lived in apartments with pools, and I used them. They are nice, but there is something about having your very own pool. (Or your father in law having his very own pool because Nick and I are far from putting one in ourselves...)

We of course brought Ellie with us so she could try it out as well. She was all about the diving board. Not jumping off it...just sitting there while we swam up to her and said hi. She did eventually get in, but preferred to float around the pool on a raft rather than actually swim.

Yes we spoil her and may be ready for a baby, but the entire family has a pretty great day at the pool!

Friday, June 27, 2008

So night before last I had...and incident. Nick was at his sleep study to test him with the machine. It did not go well. He said there was no way he could sleep and came home at 4:30. Anyway, When Nick is gone I have a hard time falling asleep. I am not afraid, but I guess I am a touch anxious. Anyway, I was up pretty late, and I was exhausted. I had high hopes of just passing out. I get into the bed, roll over...and it hits me. This TERRIBLE pain in my abdomen. I immediately pull my legs up because it seemed like it might help. I could hardly stand as I made my way to the bathroom. I thought maybe I had some kind of food poisoning, but I didn't feel that kinda sick. I went back to bed, got my heating pad and my pain medicine and laid back down.

The pain was extremely similar to when I am in the throws on my period with my endometriosis cramping, but I just got off my period on Saturday and started the BC on Sunday. It is day FIVE of this cycle! I seriously rolled around the idea of the ER. I mean, who's to say that one of these days I am not going to have serious abdominal pain, take pain meds and go to sleep, and then have my appendix burst! I decided to take my pain meds, and stay awake to see if the pain gets worse. It remained constant (and hurt so bad I couldn't set my hands on my stomach... seriously, it was terrible) but I eventually passed out at four.

Yesterday morning I started bleeding. What. the. hell. I called my fertility doc, but he was out of town. Then I called my regular GYN. The nurse seemed very concerned and actually called the doc in surgery! He said that with my history of cysts, and with all the hormones I had been on, that he was pretty sure I had a nice large cyst develop, then the BC repressed all hormones...therefor making THE CYST BURST. It all fit. The sudden sharp horrible pain, the lingering dull pain, the bleeding. He said if I am not better today to call and he wants to see me, but he really thinks it is a cyst burst, so to rest and take my pain medications (and rest I did...I came home and got in bed at 5:30...Nick woke me up and I ate dinner at 10:30, then went back to bed until morning). I am feeling better. I am sure he was right. Still, how much can one girl take. I mean, I get the endo, which sucks. Then the endo leads to infertility, which sucks. NOW the infertility is leading to terrible pain as cysts rupture in the night? There has to be a limit where things just officially become unfair...

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Do you all know how much the drugs for IVF cost? Not the IVF itself, just the prescriptions. I didn't. I truly never gave it a lot of thought. If you asked me, I would say I assumed "a lot". I actually asked Boo, and (hope you don't mind me sharing) she said hers were about $3000. Did you hear me. THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS. For MEDICATIONS! You can't even get the medications at a normal pharmacy. Doc had to call it in and then they would contact me to set up shipping and payments.

I had decided it was worth a try to have them run the drugs through my insurance. I have wonderful insurance, and have been lucky enough to have all the Clomid, estrogen, progesterone, and injections for the IUI's covered. I am not sure how common that is, but I was pleasantly surprised by it (and by pleasantly surprised I mean shocked and thrilled). When the pharmacist called I asked if she could look into my insurance coverage. She asked me if I have fertility coverage. I tell her that I don't have full coverage, but that it has covered all medications so far, as well as all ultrasounds and doctors visits. It is not covering anything for Nick (obviously...and I didn't tell her that, I am just telling you all) and the actual IUI transfers.

She put me on hold to call my insurance company. I am not going to lie, she sounded very skeptical. I actually felt a little bad for making her call. She didn't SAY there was no point, but there was something in her sigh that led me to believe it. Anyway, she got back on the phone and gave me the breakdown....Doc called me in seven different medications. (that's right). Three of the seven were not covered through this pharmacy, but would be covered at this other magical pharmacy. They will fax them the order and they will call me. The other four were covered here. She starts naming them along with the number of pills or injections for each...medication one...$3...(I get a little excited...great start!) medication two...$3 (I actually laugh out loud a little...) medication three...$6 (my heart skips a beat)...medication four...the big one of the four...$15 (I die just a little). She then says I need needles and syringes...she adds that in...and of course I must pay for the Fed Ex shipping...so the grand totally for the first four of the seven IVF drugs with shipping and needles...$37. THIRTY SEVEN DOLLARS. TOTAL.

Now, I still need to talk to the other pharmacy, but they said it would be covered. I could have a $40 copay per pill or shot or something, but still...I mean, this could still get expensive, but I just cannot tell you how excited we are to have some of this being paid. The $3000 for drugs is a fourth of the total cost of IVF. The idea that we could get a large chunk of that paid just means that if it doesn't work, we can do it again sooner...we can do it again EVER. Three thousand dollars...and so far I have paid thirty seven. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop...I will let you know what the total for the last three turns out to be, but for now, I will enjoy the idea of thirty seven! Looks like the ads on Bio Girl (which really are coming as soon as they give me the code) might pay for at least the medications!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I have a problem with exercise. Seriously, I was blessed to have been a naturally thin child and young adult and I believe this little gift made me extremely lazy when it comes to making myself work out. Yes I ran track in middle school (covered that in my 100 things...) but that is about the end of my athletic achievements. Over the years I made several attempts to get fit. I will share the list with you in bullet form...

I joined a gym back around the time I first started to put on a little weight. I felt that I could nip this problem right in the bud....take control! I went all out when joining this gym, so rather than just go with a month to month plan...I signed up and paid in advance for an entire year...and I paid even more because I wanted the lifetime members discount to go along with it. Pay more now, then pay less FOREVER!! Genius. I believe I used my membership religiously for a few weeks, while hating every second of it. I then only showed my face at the gym for the tanning bed. I never went in for the next years discounted rate, and when I recently had the small desire to being working out again, I noticed my gym has closed down...so sad.

I decided to take up swimming. I was laying out a lot over the summer at a friends pool, so I bought myself some goggles...because I was really serious about this. I was going to swim thirty laps a day to start. Ten each of breast stroke, back stroke and free style. I was on the swim team for about a week when I was little, so I knew the routine. If I remember correctly I made it down and back one time before climbing out of the pool and getting back to laying out. I have not had the goggles back on since. I do still keep them in my pool bag just in case I get the urge again...it could happen.

I decided I was going to become a runner. (this one is recent...like maybe three months old). We have a 5K run here in our city on the 4th of July, so I was going to begin training and then run in the race. One day I got all my workout clothes on, did a little stretching, set my ipod to the "get pumped" play list and hit the pavement. I made it about 60 seconds into the first song before I had to hit the inhaler. I managed to do a 60 seconds running, two minutes walking and catching my breath rotation for a full 30 minutes! I was very proud of my start to a lifetime of running. I never ran again...

So...when I got the Wii Fit I was pumped. Super pumped...but I gotta tell ya, I have been pumped about exercise before. Then I get started actually working out and realize it is really fucking hard work!! I thought there was a small chance that I might actually enjoy the Wii Fit because it was in my own home, therefore requiring little extra effort, and it was interactive. I must say that I was totally right. I LOVE the Wii Fit. I have worked out more in the past two weeks than I have since that final county championship in eighth grade.

I am seriously addicted. The game has four options for workout: yoga, strength exercises, aerobics, and balance. I do the yoga everyday. It isn't that stressful on my body, but I can definitely tell a difference from just the two weeks of use! I then try to rotate the aerobics (which seriously...the advance step and the super hula hoop...I am totally out of breath and in need of an inhaler...sad but true) and the strength training (which...a push up..I simply cannot do one...and on some of them I am shaking so bad I would be HORRIFIED for anyone but Nick to see it. He has been nice enough to keep the laughing to a minimum:) ) but I really enjoy the aerobics so much more than the strength training, so I am kinda drawn in that direction. They also have balance exercises, which are really fun, but honestly not a workout in the same way as the rest.

So, the point is that I love it. I am using it for at least thirty minutes a day, and I really think we will both continue to use it. An added perk to the entire thing is that we have had people over a few times since we bought it, and it is really fun with a group too! You haven't seen anything until you see a fairly drunk average size guy swinging his hips like mad trying to get to 800 rotations on Super Hula Hoop! I love it. Nick loves it. It was worth every penny of the $90. If you have a Wii, got out and get one! If you don't have a Wii...pick that up too. Hours and hours of healthy entertainment!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

So I have started back on birth control, which typically wouldn't be worth talking about. Here's the thing...they gave me free samples of some new kind of birth control. I am all about free samples, so I was thrilled. I then noticed on the package that it says "Chewable". Seriously? Chewable birth control? I mean, who exactly are they appealing to here? Anybody who has ever taken or even seen a birth control pill knows that they are absolutely the smallest pill available. Smaller than a tic tac. So really, who on early can't seem to swallow one of these things??

The nurse told me that they were indeed chewable, but that it was not required to chew them...just swallowing would work fine. I, of course, could not fight the curiosity so when I took my first pill on Sunday I was forced to chew. I mean, it could have been delicious! It could have been so filling that I needed no breakfast...well, no it couldn't have, but it could have been delicious like my chewable daily vitamin (yes I do actually take chewable daily vitamins and they are tops, but a daily vitamin is a horse pill and it hurt my little throat). This was not fruit flavored, but rather mint flavored. It was tiny so when I bit down it got stuck to my teeth, which then made me extremely paranoid about brushing my teeth for fear of brushing away the all important hormone...so, from now on I will be swallowing my chewable birth control whole. I am just struggling to see the point of it of it being chewable in the first place...guess someone made millions on the patent...

Monday, June 23, 2008

So for the second weekend in a row I was at a wedding! For some this might seem annoying, but for me it is pure joy. I have an unnatural love of all weddings...amazing weddings...good. Terrible weddings...goooood. Fortunately for all involved this fell into the good wedding category. It was my friend from work Justin getting married, and he couldn't have had better weather for an outdoor wedding! When I woke up that morning I was in a slight panic for them as the rain poured down, but lucky it cleared up and was beautiful by that evening! His new wife let us know that she was pleased to learn that Jesus did indeed love her...she had some doubts, but he came through in the end!

Anyway, here are some pics from the lovely event. The wedding was an hour and forty-five minutes from our home town, so I figured it would be alright if Nick sat this one out and I went with Tarp. The two of us managed just fine without our dates!

Here is the two of us waiting for the wedding to start

The wedding party waiting for the brideI am pretty proud of this pic...caught dad wiping away a tear...awwwI possibly spent a little to long watching the two adorable flower girls dump out their baskets of daisies...Just married! (and aren't the khaki tuxes perfect for the outdoor wedding?)

The place cards...which Tarp made fun of me for taking a picture of...but I liked it

A picture of the wonderful cake...I did kinda dub myself the wedding photographer. Yes, they had one, but for some reason I documented EVERYTHING And I may or may not have lurked behind the real photographer and snapped a million pictures with my awesome zoom...But in the end my love my being in pictures myself won out...here is a shot of the Bio lab crew...And me and Justin (see all those people around? No need for it to be a self portrait, but I insisted)And one last picture of the newlyweds!

Hope everyone had a great weekend! Boo and I drove to Tennessee today to visit my little sister, so I have had an extremely packed weekend...now I need a day off to rest!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

So, what do you think of my new look? (if you are reading in a reader, come on over and see the new layout!) I have been rolling around the idea of a three column blog for a while now. The only problem was that I really love my header that Liz made (contact her and she will make you an adorable one too for a very reasonable price!!) but she could not make a three column site. Well...the answer came from my aunt Mrs. Who when she pointed me in the direction of Sweet and Simple Designs who, for an amazingly low price, would work with my header and make me a perfect little three column site!!!!

Soooo.....WHY do I want a three column site. Well...there will be another little change happening over here at Bio Girl. One I truly hope does not bother any of you. I have been asked to join the blogher ad network (I looked into it a while back...around the time all the fertility stuff started rolling, and they were closed to new members. I added my name to a waiting list and I recently got an email from them saying that although they are still closed, they would like to invite my site to join...very cool in my opinion.) This will not change my posting at all. I will not be writing about the products. I will not be selling anything at all. I am only selling the space on my site. You don't have to feel the need to click on anything. If you want to, feel free, but you clicking has absolutely no effect on my money from the ads. The only thing that will affect the money is my traffic (so you know...if you want to send some friends my way that would be cool with me...).

Now, lets be honest. my traffic is nothing impressive. I love all of my readers, but you all are few in number (but you are mighty!!). The money I will be getting from these ads will be minimal unless I experience some amazing traffic boom, which I don't expect to happen. The thing is...it's still money. And honestly, IVF is not cheap. It is actually damn expensive. Overwhelmingly expensive. Nick and I have worked so hard to have no credit card debit and to keep ourselves with a reasonable savings and a comfortable life. This will be changing with the IVF. Down the road we may look into second jobs to cover the new debt. We aren't sure right now. The thing I do know is that every little bit helps, and if they are wanting to pay me ANYTHING for writing on my blog, which I already do and love, then I want to take advantage of that offer. I know some people have issues with blogs that advertise. I hope you all don't mind. Like I said before, Bio Girl is not changing. The writing will be the same, just the page will have a little more going on!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Well I am now home from the lining check and am pleased to report that my uterine linking looks "wonderful!". There are few moments when I am allowed to be proud during this entire terrible infertility process but when the doc looked up at me and said I had perfect lining...well, I must say I was glowing with pride. It took everything in me to not tell him that we worked really hard raising it up right and that we sure are proud of it... I thought it best to just say "well that's good" instead.

The procedure took all of five minutes and involved a pelvic ultrasound while they filled my uterus with a saline solution. I must say that I had vivid images of Veruca Salt filling up with blueberry juice and having to be squeezed in Willy Wonka when they told me about the "filling with liquid" but I am pleased to report that it was nothing like that at all...thank god. It really wasn't that different from the hundreds of other pelvic ultrasounds I have unfortunately had to become accustom to with the endo and fertility woes.

So now we are rolling into IVF. I start birth control on Friday (which goes against everything I know about baby making, but I will leave it in the hands of the experts) and then start my injections on July 23rd. We had a meeting with them on that day as well to go over all the medications and details. They sent me home with a packet today, which I will not lose and will actually read over this weekend. If everything goes according to plan we will be doing the egg retrieval on August 13th, 14th or 15th...I am excited to know the plan, and even more excited that we are doing something that might actually give us a baby!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I started yesterday. How glad am I that I didn't start the ten days of hormones?? As yesterday moved on I started to feel worse and worse and by late last night I was pretty miserable. I went ahead and let work know I needed to take the day (worked out for me that this is one of three days in the month of June that nobody else had off...) and I am just resting at home. I am not feeling to bad as long as I don't try to do anything. Sitting at this here computer is making my back ache and the couch is calling my name, but really it is not nearly as bad as it has been in the past. Lets hope it doesn't get much worse from here and we can call this an easily managed month...

I go in to the doc for the lining check on Friday. That's THIS Friday. Amazing. Apparently it is some sort of ultrasound procedure and she said it wont take long and I will be able to go back to work after. I honestly don't know the details of what they will be doing, but I have this sneaking suspicion that they gave me some paperwork on this thing back when we first met with the Doc and he laid out all our options. Now, if I was a perfectly organized person with a file in my filing cabinet labeled "infertility paperwork" I could go right to it. Alas I am not, so for me this means I need to dig through every tote I own...and maybe look in the back of my car...or under my bed. I am sure I have it here somewhere...

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

So another week and four negative pregnancy tests later (three home one blood) and I still have not started my period. Why is it that once the cycle is over it can't just be over (and really, on some level I shouldn't complain here because when am I happy?? First two cycles were to short, now this one we are sitting on day 36...). I have actually avoided writing this post because I knew I would start soon...no need to stay so focused on NOT being pregnant. I am really trying to put my mind other places. To normal life and summer and friends and Nick. It is just that it is so damn hard when I am just waiting...

I have actually been okay since the first test on Tuesday. It hit me so hard I think I was numb to the rest of them. I really didn't hold out any hope when they said to test again on days thirty and thirty-two because I was convinced I had not started because I was still on the progesterone. I was sure when I stopped taking that, the period would come. When I was on the pill I would start spotting in the afternoon if I missed my pill that morning. I went off the progesterone on Friday...still nothing.

I honestly still didn't have false hopes for this. I knew the test was plenty late enough by Friday to have picked it up if there was any chance I was pregnant, but I thought I should go in for the blood test just so my mind didn't wonder to places it shouldn't go, and we wouldn't find myself in pieces again over the same failed cycle....so I got the call yesterday afternoon that I am still NOT pregnant. Good to know. She said they could start me on hormones to get me going, but I would have to take them for ten days before they would work. At this point I figured it was better to just give it time. No need for one more hormone in the system...

I did find out that I am having a procedure to check the quality of my lining. It will most likely be next week, but will depend on when I start. I will tell you more about that when I know (because I can't help but share everything)...and then I will be doing our first IVF cycle in August! Somehow I didn't expect them to give me a date already...I thought it would be more wait and see, but we are rolling straight into IVF...just as soon as I start my damn period.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

So we had a wonderful time at the wedding last night. I kinda thought we were kidding about the cooler, but the groomsman definitely didn't...I did hear that the groom told them to do it, so that makes it all okay in my book! Not that much drinking actually occurred because the wedding had a wonderful flow to it and we were enjoying the celebrations the entire evening. When the wedding was over we moved the post wedding festivities to our house where somehow we managed to drink a lot more of the Tom Collins in the cooler and play some Wii Fit until past two in the morning. Which, yes I love and yes I think I will be able to actually work out on. I have already gone down 1.1 lbs, which is something, AND I am totally addicted to playing. Raising A & C is right that I need to post some pictures of this game play because seriously...some things like the hola hoop and the step aerobics are true sights to behold...I will eventually share the images, but for now, it is wedding pictures! (settle in...you know how I love weddings...)Here is Jessica and her dad coming down the aisleA little blurry, but you get the idea...This was suppose to be Matt and Jessica coming down the aisle, but I was having aisle issuesBad aisle issues...here's AndyTerrible issues...NickBy the time Ryan came down I had it under control.The reception was extremely nice. The food was wonderful! here is a pic of the groomsmenAnd Me and NickRyan and ArielleThere was Cake...which Nick said was going to be Neapolitan....and I was like, "yeah right" and then it WAS...oh course. I went with the chocolate layer. It was scrumptious.There was cake cutting and toasts...There was dancingNick got pretty creative with the dancing pictures...And the tossing of the garter...Ryan nor Andy came up with the prize. Nick was please to be sitting that tradition out!One of me and Nick where you can see my entire cute dress...which honestly I am a little disappointed in because it seems to not photograph well...or maybe I am not photographing well (*sigh*)...hard to say. I will be wearing the dress again next Saturday to a wedding, so we will give it another try! (also, note the adorable black and wicker shoes...the love...)One more of the guys....

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Did I tell you all that Nick is in a wedding this weekend? I didn't think so...I have a tendency to forget things that don't directly involve me... which would explain why I forgot to take Nick's dress clothes for the rehearsal dinner to the dry cleaners or to buy myself a dress to wear to the wedding until nine o'clock Thursday night. This led to a mad dash to Kohl's (only store with nice dresses that is open past nine around here) where I was lucky enough to find an adorable dress and Nick a stylin' tie for the event.

So anyway, the wedding is this evening. Obviously that means the rehearsal was last night! So even though I have a million things to do between now and the wedding (important things like shipping the Wii Fit and getting a manicure and pedicure...) I feel that I MUST post the rehearsal pics before I get started...I am truly committed to my blog. OR I am truly obsessive about my blog...it's a toss up.

Sticking with my normal issues with picture taking at major events, I got zero pictures of the bride, and only this one with the groom included...I will do better with my pictures today!

The dinner was at a local hotel, and when we were walking out the guys saw a sign for the "Holodome"...They were all thrilled with what we found. Unfortunately (showing our age) not one of us had a pocket full of quarters, so we were forced to move on....(although they did attempt to give the evil eye to some people playing ping pong in an attempt to take over the table...they were not budging)So...we decided to head out to a bar instead. In my option, a MUCH better offer! Here is a pic of Ryan and Arielle as we are leaving the Holodome

Me and Nick outside the bar...it was pouring down rain...always nice when you are all dressed up...Ties off...here is Ryan and Andy enjoying the live band

and a cute one of Ryan and Arielle...

And a terrible picture of me, but maybe my favorite picture of Nick ever! He wasn't smiling in the pics....and I finally talked him into "really smiling" for me...

A little more normal...

Then this random pic that Andy took which for some reason I am drawn too...

Okay...that's it for now. I will get some pics of the wedding up most likely tomorrow. We found out that due to the wedding being in a dry county (we have those here in Kentucky) there were huge fees that went with trying to bring in a bar, so there will be no alcohol. This led us to deciding to bring our own in a cooler in the back of the car. Yes...we are resorting back to your 19 year old selves...but it will be a long night with lots of dancing and alcohol helps with such things!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

So on my way home for lunch today (did I ever tell you that I live one mile from my work? Most likely I didn't because then you would be all like, you could totally walk! You really should ride a bike! but I drive my SUV, because, well, it's faster, and I then have time to run to Target on my lunch, and THEN come home to eat and save money...genius)...wow...off the subject, but on my way home for lunch, I ran into Target because I had called and they said they had some Wii Fits in stock!

So clearly I bought one. (see that girl on the front doing yoga? that will totally be me.) But then...I got to thinking. First off, my cousin really wants one too. And...like, they are really hard to find right? And people are selling them on eBay and turning a decent profit....so....

I bought all they had. Which was only three, but they still had to call the manager to see if I could take them all, and I did have to carry them all three out to the car by myself and got lots of evil and confused looks as I speed walked with my arms burning like molten lava all the way out into the parking lot. ( I wonder if the Wii Fit has an arm toning workout?) You may be wondering why I didn't use a cart. That is a good question. I kinda sorta ran into the store. I had this fear that in the time it took me to get the cart, I would see the last one walk out the door. Then they checked me out in electronics and I said, "I might need to run and get a cart!' and the clerk said, "Oh no. You can totally carry all three. They aren't heavy!" Listen buddy, if I was all fit, I wouldn't NEED the Wii Fit! They might not be heavy to you, but DEAR GOD I am not sure I will make it to the car!! ( I did make it...obviously)

Still, I cannot complain about my new favorite store. God bless you Target. Not only do you provide me with a bathing suit and some new tops. You have now also given me the key to my workout plans (so I will look better in said bathing suit and tank tops) as well as a way to make a little extra money. Score!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

So once the tears were under control yesterday (which took the better part of the morning and a trip home from Nick to give me a much needed hug) I decided it seemed like a great idea to go shopping. No better therapy, right?? Boo and I were actually on a hunt for Wii Fit because, well...I think it sounds genius. I am wanting to start working out and lose a little weight, and Wii Fit is my entire weight loss/fitness plan. You see then how I am annoyed with the fact that I cannot begin my new healthy lifestyle because the damn thing is sold out all over town. I keep going places only to hear, "ooooo...we had four this morning, but they are gone!" So close...

Anyway, on a rumor that Target might have a Wii Fit, Boo and I rushed over there to see. They were sold out, but I remembered that I needed a bathing suit while I was there! Now, bathing suit shopping doesn't really sound like something to pull a girl out of a depression, but for me shopping is shopping and I was willing to give it a go. I have always been a bikini girl, but with my new added weight I have developed a little bit of a self confidence issue. All previous bikini's were pretty small. Tie string sides, triangle tops...you know the ones. This time I wasn't ready to roll into the full piece/tankini, although I gave it SERIOUS thought. I noted how all four of the women in Sex and the City wore a full covering suit, and then Boo bought one, and the Dooce bought one, and THEN Chic Shopper Chick bought one...so I rolled the idea around for a while, but with my long frame I wanted to give a bikini another go.

I ended up finding a perfect chocolate brown two piece. The bottoms are full covering, which I love. I almost went with the boy short ones, but I thought these kinda looked better. I then got two tops, one halter, one tube top, but both were fully covering and will stay on. I love that the suit is just solid brown. I wasn't really feeling the bright patterns screaming "Look at me!! I am bigger than I have ever been!!!" I am thinking this suit will look good with a tan, it is flattering on, and it was cheap. All very strong selling points!

After finding the perfect suit, I turned my attention to the tops. Do you all know how cute Targets clothes are?? I live and die by outlet mall shopping, so I don't really shop at Target often. I have heard on other blogs that say it is a dream come true (and my aunt says Walmart is as well, but I haven't really tried there...I did look for a swimming suit there, and the small tops were to big (sigh) and the large bottoms really didn't fit right...which might or might not mean they were to small) so I thought I would try to find some simple tank tops. Oh people, the love. They have nice loose, long shirts! And they are cheap! Like $7.99 cheap. For that price I can throw them away at the end of the summer and still be thrilled. I just need some clothes that don't cling, and that I can be comfortable in. I have several of the new "empire" shirts, but I feel so maternity in them. They are cute, but I feel like I am trying to hide something (which I am) or that I am pretending to be pregnant (which I try to avoid...). These new shirts are a nice happy medium. They don't look maternity. They do look comfortable (and okay, I am wearing one right now and it IS comfortable!). I believe I will be living in them all summer...now I just need some bottoms...

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I am past heart broken on this one. I really thought I was ready for a no, that it was going to be okay. I guess it doesn't really get easier. Each cycle has something that gives you that hope, and then that gives you heart ache when it doesn't happen. I never started spotting or cramping, but last night I told Nick I just didn't feel pregnant. Do you feel it? Do you know? I just feel like I will know. Last night I seemed ready and accepting of the no. This morning when there was only the one pink line I was fine. I went back to bed. Decided I wasn't going to work, and went to sleep. I woke up an hour later in tears. The tears have really not stopped since. They are uncontrollable tears, rolling tears. Not sobs, just that my eyes are continually overflowing. They seem irrational in my head, but my heart just won't let the stop. Not yet. We will move on from here. I just need a little time to be sad.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Remember how I told you I was going on a girls weekend with all the women in Nick's family? How it was going to be full of fun activities like hiking and horse back riding and white water rafting...well, that trip is happening right now, and I am not there. I hate missing things. I am actually the person who typically bends over backwards to go everywhere so I don't miss something good. I gotta be a part of it, gotta be involved. So, needless to say, this was an incredibly difficult decision to back out. I rolled it around in my head for the majority of the month. As soon as we started this IUI cycle I counted up the days to see when exactly the trip fell in the month. I would have been gone from days 25-29. I am sure no matter which way the days fell, I would have had issues with them, but in my head, there could not be a worse clump of days in a cycle to be away from home.

With IUI #1 and #2 I started on days 23 and 25. When I start, I am horribly indescribably sick. I try very hard to not let many people see me on these days because they are generally full of tears and cramping and sleeping on a heating pad whenever possible. Not ideal for cabin living...Then there was the issue of what if this month I don't actually start early. I am now on all the added hormones so there is definitely as possibility that I will make it all the way through this one. Then how am I going to feel about our planned activities? Things that sound amazing to me, but if I am pregnant things I would be hesitant to do. This is something we want so much and have been trying for for so long. I just couldn't feel comfortable horse back riding and white water rafting if I felt I might "mess up" what we want more than anything.

Then, of course you will notice that the trip goes right over that magical day 28. This means I would be taking my test in Tennessee. Not a problem if it is positive, but if it is yet again negative, I am not sure I want to be so open as to let everyone see the true disappointment. This is our last IUI. I have no idea how it will hit me, but if I haven't started spotting by Tuesday and then the test is negative I have a feeling it will be a bad, bad day.

So I decided not to go. I let them all know that I love them and will miss them, but there is just no way I can look at the trip and see that it is best for me or for them for me to join in. They were sad, but they understand. They are so supportive with all this fertility stuff, which means the world to me. I have a certain amount of guilt with the fact that our fertility issues are me. It is something that is not for this post, and I might not ever be able to fully get out in any post, but there are some issues there. My desire to be a mother is incredibly strong, but my desire to allow Nick to be a father is equally pulling on my heart. The support and love and lack of judgment from his family (and my family too) means everything to me.

It's just the things that people who struggle with infertility give up just for the chance that it might be working is incredible. It is overwhelming and heart breaking to sacrifice and then have it be for nothing. I have no problem going out with my friends and sitting on patios and everyone having beers and Margarita's and I have Sprite. It is fine with me. It is totally worth it, just in case. I am okay to not go on vacations that have non-pregnant friendly activities because I could be. This could be our time. The problem is that it just increases the heart ache when it is negative. And eventually makes you angry for the things you give up when it would be worth it...but in the end it isn't, because it was for nothing. I really hope I gave up this trip for a good reason. The best reason. But I know that since I can't see the future, it was really the only decision I could make with the information I had....

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Okay, as all my many readers know (all five of you) I don't usually partake in giveaways on this blog. Maybe I am a little self absorbed and usually feel the need to talk all about MEEEE, or maybe it is because I never have anything I think you all might want to try to win. Who knows. What I do know is that Chic Shopper Chick is one of my favorite blogs and she gives awesome stuff away all the time!! I sat down this morning to write some random post most likely talking of how it is day 25 and isn't that exciting everyone?? Isn't it??ISN'T IT??? BUT then I went over to CSC's site and saw she is giving away an awesome new purse and just felt that it was worth sharing with all the Bio Girl readers! Day counts and weekend updates can wait until tomorrow!

Okay, so here is the low down of the give away. First off, let me remind you that I already won the awesome baby bag from Chic Shopper Chick and her taste is amazing. I would enter to win anything she puts her stamp of approval on! All you have to do to win the Kat Sac is to run on over to this post here and leave a comment telling her which bag you want. Then for an extra credit entry you can either add her to your reader (which is a good idea anyway because she gives good stuff away all the time!) or you can do a post about the bag giveaway. Now, for some reason I feel the need to tell you that I am not just writing this post to get the extra entry (which is awesome) but to honestly pass along the chance to win such a cute bag!

Okay, that's it. Go enter. I hope you win. Actually, I REALLY hope I win, but if I can't then maybe one of the Bio Girl Readers can! Good Luck, and we will be back to random me-me-me updates tomorrow!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Remember how just yesterday I was all like, " only a little jittery...no emotional issues..." riiiiiight. Lie. Well, it wasn't a lie as much as it was a statement made about two minutes to early. So sad when that happens.... So as soon as I hit publish on the post I jumped up to throw on my shoes and hit the door for work. It was going to be a really busy day and I wanted to get rolling right away. As I walk to fill up my to go cup of coffee, I notice all these Reese's wrappers on the table. (let me tell you, I have NO IDEA how those got there...I mean, there is NO WAY Nick and I sit around at night and eat bags of candy...I mean, if we did that, then how could be ever complain when we put on a few pounds...*sigh*) Anyway, I grab up the empty wrappers because someone had eaten several of them, and I toss them in the trash.

This is when the story takes an emotional turn. Right as I toss, I hear this little "tink". so I think to myself that that sure did sound like metal on metal, and what on earth would be made of metal in the Reese's wrappers...and then it hits me. Nick's wedding ring! His wedding ring that is actually passed down from his grandfather...and I have just thrown it away!! Now, I am sure you are all thinking that this is no reason to panic. I mean, I do KNOW I have done it. I just need to grab a second trash bag and begin the slow transfer as I search for the tiny gold ring. In hind sight, this sounds very logical. I instead went with the option of starting to cry. WHY?? There is no need for tears! But the tears came. Tears of joy that I had made a chicken pot pie the night before so there were cans in the trash, tears of frustration that I was going to be late to work, tears of annoyance with us for not getting the stupid ring sized so it stays on his finger...just tears.

Then, yesterday evening I am checking my email. I get one from my friend Arielle. No big deal, a forward. One of those "tell people how much they mean to you" kinda forwards...and it had this story for this dad telling his son how much he loves him and then his son said he had planned to commit suicide that night, but his dad saved him...with his kind kind words! and I gotta tell ya, I read those forwards and usually think, "well that's nice..." but this one....this time...the tears begin again! I would bet money these people were not even real. It isn't like I KNOW them...and yet I cry for their sad sad story...and for their happy ending....and yes, I am going to have to say that the hormones and the steroids are most definitely starting to get to me...just a little...

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Now that we have the arm funk under control, I am able to get back to what I consider my normal life. It's funny how time flies when you are obsessing over something like Poison Ivy! The big silver (might as well even call it platinum) lining of this entire thing is that it has completely taking my mind off the fertility stuff for an entire week, and now here we sit at DAY TWENTY TWO! Amazing, right?? That means in less than a week I get to take my test. That means that we are already on top of the time that I started spotting with the last two IUI's (days 23 and 25 just in case you all do not memorize my medical history). Now with cycle two I felt like if I made it to day 28 then there would be no way I am not pregnant, but I don't feel this way this time. They put me on the estrogen and progesterone to control the spotting, so I am expecting to make it all the way to magical day 28. Let's just hope on that day we get the news we really really want...

Another fun fact is that I am now extremely jittery. Fun, right? The doc said the high dose of the steroid I am on can make that happen, along with the feeling that I want to clean the house (score!) and...wait for it...extreme emotions. That mixed with the Clomid, estrogen and progesterone is making me just about the most insane person around. Nick is a lucky, lucky man! Honestly we haven't seen to many side effects besides me not being able to sleep last night from the jitters. Kinda just felt like I had WAY to much caffeine...

So, away from medical updates, I did go see the Sex and the City movie this weekend with all my girl friends and I LOVED IT! I was really worried about it. Why mess with a good thing? The series ended PERFECTLY! Don't mess with the happily ever after! But I was wrong. It was okay to reopen the story. To bring back our old friends. I had forgotten how much I loved them...

Okay, this is kinda turning into a random hodge podge of a post, which I apologize for, but it's what I get for obsessing. I did other things this week, but God help me I can't remember them. I did want to wrap up some loose ends on the arm funk front that were brought up in the comments (which, by the way, were AWESOME! I love getting that many comments on my arm disease. You all didn't shy away from the nasty at all!!)

First, the doc said she really thinks it is a plant allergy. The reason it moved to my stomach was because at some point before I washed the oils off, I touched there. It took longer to come out because there was not as high of a concentration in that area. kinda looks to me like I was holding my my shirt to pee...but that's just a really weird guess...she said it isn't on my hands because I had washed my hands, but not the crook of my elbow. Score one for proving I wash my hands!

You can actually get shingles more than once. You are actually more likely to get them once you have had them a first time. It's the chicken pox virus laying dormant in your system, and it will come out under high stress and infect a nerve. The wedding shingles aren't really that exciting, but I was...well...under a lot of stress. My Papa was really ill and I just broke out all on my stomach. I actually recognized it right away and got on the medication fast. Could have been much worse!

They didn't talk about it being hives, but I actually did! really the main big one never had that hive look. It does in that pic, but really it was flaky and oozy and nasty. The ones on my other arm really do look like hives though. The doc said it was once again just less of the oil...

Okay, that's it. I gotta get going. Sorry for the jumping of topics, but I think I am caught up to normal life. Now we get to obsess over the next six days...

Monday, June 2, 2008

So we have gotten to the bottom of it. Two more doctors and $135 in copays later we have what I feel is safe to assume the truth. This morning when I woke up I had a new rash on my right arm, as well as one making a line across my rib cage. I kinda panicked because the rib cage welts looked a hell of a lot like the shingles I had a few months before me wedding. I figured I would call my doc up and let him see this new development. I was only able to get in to see the nurse practitioner, but she was totally freaked out by this mad rash. She said it really didn't look like any kind of poison ivy/oak or sumac that she knew of and she would place money on a bite, but then she had no idea why it was spreading...

She sent me over to an Dermatologist (who tried to give me an appointment on June 16th and the lady was like, OH NO. This CANNOT wait. This girls arm looks TERRIBLE! Soooo...they got me in TODAY. Amazing how they find those appointments when they have too...Anyway, the dermatologist said that it is some contact dermatitis, because that is what would spread like that. She then said that it is not one of the three well known ones. There are other things like those that are more rare, so you don't hear about them, but she thinks I got into something...else. God only knows. She did seem sure and I totally trust her. She could explain all of it, and really, that was all I was looking for.

She gave me a much stronger steroid cream, laughed when I said they gave me Zertec, and she gave me Prednisone. She said it will stop future breakouts and the cream will treat the ones I have. And that my friends, is the end of the arm funk debate. Thanks for sticking with me! I will leave you with a final picture. Lets hope it only gets better from here!

Sunday, June 1, 2008

So I know you all are thinking, "Is she really going to do ANOTHER post about her spider bite?? " The answer is yes, yes I am. BUT I am pretty sure the saga is coming to a close and hopefully this will be the last you will hear of it...

So when I woke yesterday morning my arm was looking seriously nasty. Like all crusty and oozy and just...yuck. I decided to call up the old doc and see what he thinks. I mean, clearly the antibiotics were not doing much. The center point of both bites had expanded to the size of the tip of my pinkie finger, and the ooze zone was now bigger than a quarter. I get a hold of the doc on call and describe the situation. He says I need to head on into the ER for a culture and to get it cleaned out. He said it sounded like I had a staff infection. I was not sure the ER was necessary, but it's a Saturday and I guess that's what you gotta do...

Nick and I get to the ER and amazingly, we are the ONLY people in the waiting room. Around here your ER waiting room visit can take like eight hours, so this was a big score on our part. In about ten minutes we were being taken into a room. The nurse also felt that it looked like a nasty staff infection, but she sent the doc on in. The doc took one look at it and said...poison sumac or poison oak! I nicely (according to Nick a little not so nicely) informed him that both the pharmacist and my PCP had thought it was a bite and had ruled out any kind of contact dermatitis and wouldn't he like to wash it off and see what is under all the crustyness that has built up? He said he would not like to do that, that it was the crustyness that made him sure. I said I was not allergic to poison ivy or the likes, and he said everyone is allergic. I asked if he would like to take a culture of it like my PCP office wanted and he said he would not like to do that either. He gave me a steroid cream and sent me on my way.

So...first off, I do know that clearly one of the doc's I have talked to is wrong. I know that it could be my doc, and not this ER doc. So then why was I so annoyed with the ER doc? I mean, the idea of NOT having some nasty poisonous spider in the house sounds WONDERFUL. Knowing that it just needs to run it's course is comforting. And yet...annoyed. I think it was that I feel like nobody is taking much time to REALLY look at this. He made up his mind and that was that. I want to TALK about it! How do you KNOOOOOW. But I guess he's the doctor and he seemed sure (but so did my PCP). Let's hope he's right and the steroid cream clears it right up! He did keep me on the antibiotics because he said even poison sumac gets infected, so I am covered on all bases I guess...

So...after your hundreds of requests (one) for a picture, I have finally caved and figured I would let you all see the nastyness. I figure you all have seen a lot of spider bites and a lot of contact dermatitis, so you should be able to let me know what you think. Why would I trust you all more than the doc?? not sure, but if you say it looks just like poison sumac or oak, then I will believe you...

Here it is on Friday night, so day two of the antibiotic. A lot of the redness had gone down by this point.And here it is yesterday before the ER visit...day six from when I first noticed the spot.

Damn...that second picture does kinda look like a poison ivy-ish rash, but they said they needed to culture it so I let the crustyness build before I went...and the top one looks like a big bite...gaw...Sorry for the infection pics. I will be back to normal posting next time around!!