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Monday, September 3, 2012

The Man Who Worked Hard to Make Labor Day Had Three Flavors

As everyone is sitting down to enjoy a
nice cold Labor Day Dom Perignon, I have just one thing to say to you
all. Shame on you. You probably think this is the day when everyone
celebrates everything that labor has ever accomplished. And that is
just not so, Labor Day is nothing without Flavor Day.

As a Labor Day baby (yes, my mom was in
labor on Labor Day) I was born with this knowledge imbued into my
psyche. To truly celebrate Labor Day, we must take a look back into
the bloody history of this momentous holiday.

Labor Day started in turn of the 19th
century France. But it didn't actually start out as “Labor Day.”
Instead, Baron von Peter J. McGuire, a French noble started out the
day as “Flavor Day,” a celebration of the delicious ice cream
that McGuire so thoroughly enjoyed. To be precise, Peter J. McGuire
loved the Neapolitan style of ice cream, as he felt it perfectly
blended chocolate and vanilla ice creams in a taste described as
“truly divine.”

What's that you say, there are three
flavors in Neapolitan ice cream? Well, keep reading to find out more
of this sordid tale.

Peter J. McGuire went around forcing
everyone to sample this “unique” flavor and, of course, used his
considerable power and wealth to strongarm various government and
dictatorial regimes to highlight his made up holiday. Many people
compared him to a modern day Augustus with his tyrannical overthrow
of social mores.

“You'll never believe this, you think
you're gonna hit chocolate, but then it's vanilla, and that vanilla
is actually chocolate, so it's full circle, but it's not full circle,
but it is full circled in a less circled but total vanilla and
chocolate circle,” was one of McGuire's catchphrases. Yes, a
catchphrase, meaning before the heat of battle with whatever
legislature, he'd repeat this saying. Constantly. Like four times for
every normal sentence.

Understandably, the people grew tired
of this. Sure, they gave in to his demands and created the renowned
“Flavor Day” to be celebrated worldwide, but they also murdered
him and compacted his flesh and bones down, placing it into the
Neapolitan ice cream he loved so much. While this might sound kind of
gross, it's reassuring to know his flesh tasted of strawberries, and
the decent ice cream suddenly had a third flavor and the ability to
be recognized as the Neapolitan we know it as today.

Neapolitan ice cream as we know it today. Do note the presence of Peter J. McGurie's cartilage.

However, all of that murdering and food
scientisting worked up a great hunger in those noble proletariats,
and they decided they needed a day to celebrate their hard work and
accomplishments. Since everyone had already penciled in the first
Monday of September to celebrate Flavor Day, they simply dropped the
first F, got Lavor day and then changed it out of the evil French
dialect to result in the Labor Day you're currently celebrating by
eating watermelon.

So have a happy Labor Day, but do
realize it is a holiday built on the blood, sweat and tears of Peter
J. McGuire. And I mean that in the most literal sense. Please do
enjoy the delicious Neapolitan ice cream. It DOES have chocolate and
vanilla AND strawberry flavors and it is delicious.

Although, maybe this Flavor Day baby
just really wants some Neapolitan ice cream.