I’ll be honest with you: I was always boy crazy. I had a boyfriend in kindergarten. When I was younger, I wore tight jeans to school (my poor mom!). But even with this innate sexy sixth sense, I didn’t always get it right – or know what to do with it. Over the years, I was constantly experimenting with new looks, trying to maximize my sex appeal. Learning how to harness your sexuality takes time and maturity. Sexiness gives you a sense of power and control – if you’re sexy, people are drawn to you like bees to honey.

The first lesson you need to learn is that you are your own “sexpert”. Sexy is personal- everyone has her own way of seeing it, and most important, being it. What’s sexy for one person may not be sexy for someone else. And your own feelings on sexiness can change from year to year, week to week, day to day.

Take me, for example. I think lots of things are sexy. Black leather and black lace? Totally sexy. But I also think being with a trustworthy and loving person who takes care of you is sexy. I think holding hands is sexy, but so is a guy who can dominate or likes it when I do. A low-cut gown and mile-high stilettos? Hot! Jeans, a tank top, and a pair of Chucks? Ditto.

Okay, Julie, you say, how are you going to help me be sexy if you can’t give me any hard and fast rules? Well that’s just the thing- there are none. What I can tell you is how and where to start your own personal journey to sexiness. To find your own sexy self, you need to be comfortable and confident with the person you are. You have to like the lady you see in the mirror- truly like her, inside and out. I know that’s not always easy.

Believe me, there are days when I don’t feel pretty or poised; when I doubt myself and I’m insecure and nervous and would much rather stay in be all day than get up and go to the gym. Any woman who tell you she doesn’t feel that way at least once in a while is lying; we’re all human. Everyone has a bad hair day or wakes up feeling bloated or wishes she was just ten pounds thinner or two inches taller or five years younger. And I guarantee that whenever I feel that way, whenever my confidence starts to slips, it shows.. big time.

So that’s where it all begins: with an inner confidence that radiates outward. Once you have that, you can share it with the world throughout what you wear, how you style your hair and makeup, how you carry yourself. All of this things are easy to figure out; its the inner work that really takes time and effort and dedication. You have to do your homework and a whole lot of soul searching to discover the real you. And at first, the person you find might come as a total shock or surprise- she might be very different from the girl you were growing up or the image your friends and family have of you. You don’t have to please anybody but yourself or live up to anyone else’s expectations. That itself is another key to being sexy. You need to be secure enough to not care (too much) what people think.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t solicit opinion, I always do. Listen to what people tell you, then make your mind up yourself, staying true to what you believe is right for you. There were countless times I asked my fiancé, Philly, for his opinion on what outfit I should wear to an event. I’d hold up my favorite and he would say. “I’m not crazy about it.” But then I’d look in the mirror and go with it anyway. Why? Because I was the one who had to wear it – and I liked the person I was in it. The ultimate veto power is always yours.

I am lucky enough to have figured out what makes me feel sexy most the of the time. People often ask me if anyone taught me to be sexy. I had a lot of great role models who have inspire me and empowered me- many of them from the time I was young- and I’ve studied them carefully. I’ve always had a thing for Pamela Anderson. To this day, in her fifties, she has this fire about her. She can be sweet and coy and then, bang!, completely explosive. There ain’t nothing sexier than a woman who’s unpredictable.

So how do you know you have what it takes to be sexy? I can promise you one thing: Everyone has it in her somewhere. It just a case of finding it and unleashing it. For starters, stop doubting yourself. Sexy comes in all shapes, sizes, and guises. Smart is sexy. Curves are sexy. Being a mother is sexy (you’ve got all this wisdom and experience under your belt and in your bed!) Sexy can whisper; sexy can shout. Sexy can draw a crowd or hypnotize an individual. Sexy is not being afraid of your own needs, desires, and passions. Sexy is lettering go of your inhibitions and insecurities. Sexy is being affectionate, kind, and compassionate. Sexy can be single or a couple. Sexy can be happily ever after, or the here and now.

And sexy is striving to be the best person you can be, which you’re already doing. I can’t make you change the way you think or feel, but I can help you explore your sexiest self. What you do with what you learn… that’s all up to you.

I had a fear of being alone. I had a lot of friendships that were toxic and draining. I needed to let go of them and really be okay with being myself.

The more I got in touch with myself and dealt with the things that were going on in my life, the more my outward appearance – as a reflection of how I felt about who I am and what I stood for- changed as well. Back when I was going to clubs a lot, my style was all about showing skin. Now, I don’t feel I need to seek that kind of attention anymore. I’d rather wear a more stylish outfit than a skimpy, outrageous one that leaves nothing to the imagination. Which isn’t to say I don’t occasionally love to strut around in garters and a bra and panties. The difference is the motivation behind it. Back then i felt like I had to do it all the time. I was dressing for attention: I wanted people to notice me and I thought that was the only way they would. Today, I am much more secure and directed in myself. If I want to look sexy now and wear something outrageously provocative, I feel more empowered. I do it for me, not for anyone else’s approval. That what confidence is all about.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can…

So you wanna be as cool as a cucumber in any situation? Think the little engine that could. Seriously, for me, it starts with a single, positive thought: I can do this, I’m worthy. I deserve it. I’m here for a reason. And whatever happens, I can walk away knowing I gave it my best shot. I’ve always been a cheerleader to my friends and people I care about. I think a lot of women do this. They’re generous with others- always encouraging their friends and family and seeing the best in them- but they’re stingy with themselves. I was my own worst enemy for the longest time- the queen of self-sabotage. I wasn’t able to focus on the best things in myself; instead, I’d focus on my flaws. Isn’t that ridiculous? I know I’ve been blessed with a great life and I’ve been really fortunate with the success that I’ve had, so why would I focus on my weaknesses? What I know now is that your inner dialogue is really important. For example, if you tell yourself, “I’m gonna suck,” there’s a really good chance you will. But I really retrained my thought process: “Be yourself, and it will be fine.” And it usually is. And positive thinking even has health benefits: I recently read an article in The New York Times about scientists who found that optimist live longer.

Laugh, Even if Your Butt Is Showing

I am always happy when people tell me I have a good sense of humor. I try so hard not to take myself too seriously because it’s a recipe for a nervous breakdown. I know I am not perfect, no one is, and if you don’t laugh at your mistakes, you’ll cry over them. Besides, laughing is incredibly sexy, and laughing at yourself doubly so because it shows you’re not uptight. No wonder a great sense of humor always tops those lists in all the men’s mags of what men really find attractive (along with a big pair of boobs, of course). I have had some pretty embarrassing moments that could have made me bawl.

It’s also sexy to laugh with other people. There’s an idea out there that men like a woman who plays hard to get, who looks like the snottiest bitch in the room, but I’ve never found this to be true. Men are more attracted to women who will laugh at their jokes. When you’re generous enough to listen to a man who is trying to impress you with his sense of humor and you laugh when something he says is funny, it makes him feel good- and besides, it’s healthy for you to laugh anyway. Did you know that a study found that laughing raises energy expenditure and increases heart rate 10 to 20 percent? Translation: Ten to fifteen minutes of laughter could burn up to ten to forty calories per day, which could mean about four pounds a year. Plus, scientists say it reduces stress, improves circulation, stimulates the nervous system, heightens the immune system, and makes the heart stronger. So don’t be such a cold fish. Loosen up and have a good time. People will be drawn to your sense of ease and they’ll feel more comfortable around you if they see you as fun and human instead of an ice queen.

Here’s another thing that should make it easier. When you are actually into someone, his jokes are naturally funny to you… even if they’re not.

Even a Flaw Can be Fab

How boring would it be to go on a date with someone who was perfect? Imperfections are very attractive in people- I would never be attracted to someone who was a phony, a fake, who tried to hide what made him unique. Your true self is going to come out eventually anyway, so you might as well strip off all the pretenses from day one and let it all hang out. Let him fall in love with the person you truly are. Most people will relate to you more if you’re human, and human is not perfect. People want to see you’re personality. It’s not bad to be you. Embrace the little things that make you special, memorable. You’re a klutz? I think that’s cute. You’re the world’s worst cook? So what? That’s what take-out is for. These are all little pieces- not the big picture. But they all help make you the person you are, and they’re nothing to be ashamed of. Remember in My Best Friends’s Wedding when the Cameron Diaz character can’t carry a tune in karaoke but it only makes her fiancé love her all the more? Sure, we wanted Julia Roverts to get the guy… but you gotta admit, that off-key Cameron was cute as a button.

Now you have more than a few ideas of how to boost your self-esteem and feel good about yourself, your personality, your bod. Now its time to radiate all those great, positive feelings outward, into a style befitting the newly fabulous you. The fun is just beginning…