May 2012

Someone (who shall of course remain nameless so that other people may feel free to send me their hilarious photos) just sent me this extremely specific sign, spotted in a bathroom. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Wow. That is a level of detail that I was not expecting from a university, or a plumbing company, or…in a bathroom in general. Also, I’m wondering about the placement of the sign. Is it in the actual bathroom stall? And, not to sound totally uncivilized, but is this (ahem) particular detail something that you always have knowledge of when you go into the bathroom? I would think it would be too late by the time you knew you needed to (ahem) change venues, you know what I’m saying?

I think what I’m saying is, “OUT OF ORDER” would have perhaps been preferable to whatever this seems to be, wouldn’t you agree? I do not think this sign is going to have the desired effect, and if we’re being honest here, if the plumber knows he’s going to have to clean this up, why not just close the bathroom to avoid the risk? Finally, if they don't mean "other business," what OTHER kinds of "other business" might they be referring to? For instance, would it be ok if I went in there and promised to only do a conference call and send some emails?

So, you might have observed (anecdotally) recently on Facebook that we recently became the owners of a shiny new Dyson vacuum.

In case you’re wondering, yes, it really is all that. Which is why I was particularly upset when I realized, several weeks ago, that one of the jugs of water in our “emergency preparedness kit” had sprung a leak and ALMOST LEAKED ON THE DYSON.

Upsetting, to be sure. I took everything out of the closet to clean it (because the Dyson is a perfect piece of engineering excellence and demands a tidy living environment), threw out that jug of water, and then laid everything in the kit out to dry.

And then I laughed, because when did the emergency preparedness kit become the repository for food you just don’t really like?

Here’s what we’ll be eating after the zombie apocalypse:

--Baked beans containing enough sodium to actually give us hypertension. Of course, there is no hospital after the zombie apocalypse, no doctors, and no medicine, so it might be “Death by Baked Beans” for us. Incidentally, these beans only made it into the kit because we were trying to stop eating so much sodium.

--Lara Bars that, when I ate them for the first time, I spat out into the trashcan and yelled “WHY ARE THESE SMOKE FLAVORED?” I'm guessing that when I'm starving after the apocalypse and it's a choice between eating the dog (who would assuredly be very gristly) and eating one of these nasty bars, I would be able to eat a whole one without having it fall out of my mouth from grossness.

--FiberOne bars that I got tired of. Because you know, when it's the apocalypse, you want to be sure you're regular.

--Pumpkin pie mix left over from Thanksgiving. Admit it-- when you’re trapped in emergency mode, nothing says “Everything’s going to be ok” like eating cold pumpkin pie mix with a fork.

Did I also mention that I found no can opener in this kit? Also, candles, but no matches. Some of my teachers from Palm Desert read this blog, and right now they are going “How many times did we go over earthquake drills and emergency preparedness? How do you only have baked beans, Lara bars, and one jug of water?”

I think the logic behind putting unwanted food into your emergency preparedness kit is that you figure: 1. This is food you probably are never going to eat, 2. If an emergency arises, you will be so hungry you won’t care what the food tastes like, and 3. The chances of an emergency arising and everyone everywhere running out of food are actually pretty small, so you’re probably just putting that food into the emergency kit to die. I just think it’s funny that, during the time when you would probably want delicious food the most, you’d be eating the leftovers and dregs that you really, REALLY didn’t want in your daily life but didn’t want to waste or throw away.

So, I guess where I’m going with all this is, simply:

What’s in YOUR emergency preparedness kit? I would love to hear if you’ve packed it with food that you don’t really want.

This week one of my high school friends posted this hilarious photo on Facebook, and I thought I would share it here since I know that not all of the Funny Strange readers are also my Facebook friends.

Several things with this photo:

Yes, the newspaper clipping is yellow, because it is from 1983. We are all old. Come to peace with it.

In case you were going to point it out, yes, I am the same age as the rest of the people in this photo (in fact, I am older than most of them), and yet I am the shortest, tiniest little Girl Scout in the group. I assure you, I am a normal-size human being now, and in fact, I turned out to be taller than some or all of the other people in it. I have no explanation for this. I took my chewable Flintstones vitamins and drank milk every day, ok? I cannot explain my tininess or my being six inches shorter than my friends.

My general middle school runtiness might explain my perhaps overcompensatory sense of humor. When you don’t start looking like an adult person until you are 15 years old, you are forced to become smart, or funny, or maybe a little bit of both.

In case you read the caption, yes, this is a photo of my Girl Scout troop touring a blood bank. Is that still a thing? Now that I am an adult, this doesn’t sound like a great idea. Middle school kids can’t give blood, and the subject matter in general doesn’t seem kid-friendly. Is there a Girl Scout “Blood Bank” badge? Yuck.

Speaking of middle school and the early eighties, this is the perfect time to direct you over to this hilarious post from my friend (and fellow writer) Marisa, and for you to become a regular reader of hers, since she writes on her blog, "Young Adultish," even more than I write here. I think if you like my blog you will definitely like hers, although (as you will read), her experience in middle school was completely different from mine. Not only was she taller and more mature than me, but she was allowed to wear makeup and did not look like a small boy, so she had people asking her to "go" with them and was kissing boys in middle school and everything. I’m certain that you will find her experience as hilariously awkward (awkwardly hilarious?) as I did. Enjoy!

Hey, did you know that the Flaming Lips did a song with Ke$ha? I have to admit, when I first heard about this, I was really on the fence, because I don’t know if you’re with me on this, but to me, Ke$ha looks likes she smells like B.O. and barf, and I don’t find her to be that talented, and it seems like whoever is behind the Ke$ha phenomenon is just pretty savvy, so I was afraid that this collaboration was going to negatively affect the Flaming Lips’ brand equity (because they are cool and she is not, get it?). In case you're wondering, yes, that was the longest sentence in the history of the universe.

I’ve listened to the song a couple of times now, though, and I have to say it sounds like Wayne Coyle took control of the situation and that Ke$ha didn’t have a lot of creative control. Also, and I could be wrong about this, around the 3:35 mark, it does in fact sound like Biz Markie has surfaced again and is making a cameo. I’m sorry if you’re a Biz Markie fan, but I have always considered Biz Markie to be the rapper who is actually developmentally disabled to the point where his rap songs are songs he writes during structured activity time at the group home. Was that out loud? I know, it’s rude. It’s the way he sings, though—come on!! OK, let’s be fair. I feel like Ke$ha belongs in that same group home. Maybe that’s where they came up with the idea for the song, and then they Tweeted Wayne Coyne from the Flaming Lips and he came there with a four-track and they did an activity together and this is the result. Also, in case you now love the Flaming Lips, Wayne Coyne has been quite the collaborator lately. He’s produced tracks with Chris Martin from Coldplay, Neon Indian, Bon Iver, Nick Cave, and Yoko Ono (to name a few). You can check them out on this YouTube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/SlowNerveActionBored?feature=watch

Last week I posted this statement on Facebook, which was enthusiastically received:

Today I saw a guy totally blow through a red light while speeding and unsafely changing lanes, and then, as if I was receiving a gift from Jesus himself, a cop popped out and busted him. I am not exaggerating when I say that every person in every car in the intersection honked and applauded, because you know that guy drives like that all the time and gets away with it, right?

I'm just saying, right place, right time, right complete a-hole driver. Sweet, sweet satisfaction.

This feeling was further reinforced when I went to traffic court on Thursday, and was witness to approximately 1,000 people appearing for crazy moving violations (like going 95 while talking on a cellphone), most of which they plead down to lesser charges and paid fines for, but it actually was reassuring to me to see people who obviously disregard traffic laws “have their day in court” and have to pay for it, so to speak. These are the people you see out and about, and you’re always mad because there’s no cop around to see them, but based on the amount of people in that courtroom, let me just reassure you: those people are going to keep driving that way, and they are totally going to get caught—maybe not right then, but they definitely will, and when they do, it’s not going to be cheap. So, just remind yourself of that the next time someone cuts you off going 1000 mph while smoking crack with their head on fire, because this revelation has certainly made ME feel better.

Speaking of revelatory experiences, I don’t know why, but seeing all of those totally guilty people in traffic court also extended to my non-driving life. Case in point: the other day I was walking down the street in NYC, and, in the course of a normal “walking by people on a crowded sidewalk,” a weird-looking woman PUNCHED ME IN THE SIDE, then kept walking like that was a totally normal thing to do.

Because I am me, I did chase after her and yell a little bit, and she continued to ignore me like nothing happened, but then I remembered the perspective of Traffic Court, and I realized—that woman probably punches people all the time, and one of these days, she’s going to punch someone who is even crazier than her and is going to totally punch her back, or who has a knife or a gun and an aversion to being punched for no reason.

The moral of the story is—if/ when you see someone doing something that is clearly wrong but you have no power over the situation, just remind yourself—that’s their freebie. They will continue to act that way, and eventually they will get caught. This is the way of the universe, my friends.

Links Worth Liking

Chelsea Skin & LaserMy friend and dermatologist, Dr. Michael Eidelman. If you live in or around NYC, I highly recommend him!

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