Friday, February 5, 2010

The Writing Process: leading students through revision, one true story

Good writing is rewriting, so the axiom goes. Here is an example of a student's response to our study of American literature during the era of the American Revolutionary War.

The first step was idea gathering. Students were given old sports posters, and on the blank back, they drew large visual graphs with colored markers. Writing large and colorfully helped make the lesson less boring and also prompted some students to color-code their main ideas, supporting concepts, and specific details.

Next, the students wrote draft 1, getting their ideas onto paper in sentences and paragraphs for the first time. I looked the drafts over, and then we went to the computer lab where students wrote the second drafts. At the end of the period, they emailed the drafts to themselves and me. All other drafts were composed at home and then emailed to me.

The examples below are from a sixteen-year-old, 10th grade American literature student.Immediately below is the student's final composition. Following his final are drafts 2-4, including comments and evaluation scores from me.

Principles of the Revolution

In the American Revolution striking parallels between the thinking in my life and time and the thinking of the people in the time of the revolution can be found. By studying the thinking of the time, one can see relation in their own struggles in life to those who struggled but managed to improve their own life and learn from them. The concepts of thinking include strong feelings of politics, independence, and reasoning which I have learned were prominent in the time.

First of all, the literature of the time was mostly political and not on activities such as exploration or faith, as it had been previously. A notion of awe about the new world was lost as the maps were filled in and the colonies preoccupied themselves in dealing with the British. In my life too, the papers and work I am doing no longer is of my interests alone but in succeeding in academics and otherwise to fit a standard of excellence say, colleges are looking for. Personally, I am having to deal with the realities of other groups to try to succeed much as the writers and thinkers of the revolution were doing to sort themselves out with the British to better themselves and ultimately to free themselves from tyranny. This leads into the next area of similarities between my life and life at the time of the revolution – independence.

The colonies were in great need for independence to expand their freedoms to increase in prosperity. In the later colonial era of Great Britain, England’s colonial entities in North America were increasingly angered as England taxed them to fill its own coffers. It was like the parent who had nurtured its children into adults was now forcing them into slave labor. They had as much a right to independence as Britain itself, and it would have been beneficial to Britain to start allowing them more political and economical freedom. That’s a lot like where I am in life, needing to start taking over for myself so I will have the freedom to pursue my own interests for long term benefit. If I can sustain myself, I can travel to look for higher advancement and a job to develop into a higher achiever. If America was left to Britain’s devices, we might be still an agrarian backwater, with poverty and with an inability to defend ourselves. The nature of life, therefore, is to grow.

Lastly, the revolutionaries had reason over faith. They relied on reason as a sort of faith of its own. They needed to be reasonable in their thinking to have confidence and moral righteousness; this gave rise to the principles the United States is founded on which are found in the constitution, giving a solid foundation for governance. Similarly, I find reasoned thinking can advance people to achieve. It is possible to get stuck on even straightforward tasks, and reasoning and logic will provide a solution. For example, I would not take out a loan if I had no income, and I would not give out a loan to someone with no income either. It is a necessary step towards independence to be able to avoid mistakes and produce gain; the colonists had the ability for this through their reason, and every young person needs to be able to discern right and wrong.

The people living in the time of the revolution had similar problems to overcome like I have had. They overcame them by taking on more responsibilities and throwing off unwelcome governance. I will also take on more responsibility and independence. They wrote and discussed only the issues of importance and survival (politics) at their critical stage. I have also worked mostly on school and not written or toyed too much on my own musings. They reasoned well as it would help them draft a government, as well as find supporters for a just cause. I have also used reason to plan my day and schedule work with free time and will continue to do so, seeing from the revolutionaries that it was so useful. In the end, the revolutionaries worked out a good system of working with others to achieve prosperity even in tough times, and I will continue to look to them for guidance, now and again, as theirs was a similar situation (a time of independence and growth) as mine.

Second Draft

Principles of the revolution

In the American Revolution striking parallels between the thinking in my life and the thinking of the people in that time over 200 years ago can be found. These include notions of independence and of reasoning and politics.(Do we have two or three categories here?)

First of all, the literature of the time was mostly political(The concepts listed above and discussed in the body should be in the same order.) and not on activities such as exploration or faith, as it had been previously. A notion of awe about the new world was lost as the maps were filled in and the colonies preoccupied themselves in dealing with the British. (keep as one paragraph)

In my life too, the papers and work I am doing no longer is of my interests alone but in succeeding in academics and otherwise to fit a standard of excellence say, colleges are looking for. I am having to deal with the realities of other groups to try to succeed much as the writers and thinkers of the revolution were doing to sort themselves out with the British to better themselves and ultimately to free themselves from tyranny. This leads me into my next area of similarities – independence.(The main point here is not clear. Are you learning that many of your activities will now deal with interactions between people and not just your inner, personal wishes?)The highlighted sentence should be made into a declarative sentence without "me" and used as the topic sentence of the next paragraph.

In the later colonial era of Great Britain, England’s colonial entities in North America were increasingly angered as it (what/who?) taxed them to fill its own coffers. It was like the parent who had nurtured its children into functioning adults was now forcing them into slave labor. They had as much a right to independence as Britain itself, and it would have been beneficial to Britain to start allowing them more political and economical freedom.(one paragraph)

That’s a lot like where I am in life, needing to start taking over for myself so I will have the freedom to pursue my own interests for long term benefit. If I can sustain myself, I can travel to look for higher advancement and a job to develop into a higher achiever. If America was left to Britain’s devices, we might be still an agrarian backwater, with poverty and with an inability to defend ourselves. The nature of life, therefore, is to grow. (This is a better paragraph. Be sure to include the "independence" topic sentence.)

Lastly, The Revolutionaries had reason over faith, that is, they relied on reason as a faith of its own. (run-on sentence) They needed to be reasonable in their thinking to have confidence and moral righteousness; this gave rise to the vary principles the United States is founded on which are found in the constitution, giving a solid foundation for governance.

Similarly, I find reasoned thinking can advance people to achieve. It is possible to get stuck on even straightforward tasks, and reasoning and logic will provide a solution. For example, I would not take out a loan if I had no income, and I would not give out a loan to someone with no income either. It is a necessary step towards independence to be able to avoid mistakes and produce gain; the colonists had the ability for this through their reason, and every young person needs to be able to discern right and wrong.

I have highlighted in green what I think are the topic sentence in paragraphs 3 & 4. You need a similar one for paragraph 2 regarding politics. You have some good ideas. Be sure to structure the paragraphs more closely to the idea of what you have learned from studying this unit.

Add a conclusion.

Writing Assignment Evaluation:

Introduction C-, 3.5/5

Hook No hook

Concepts introduced with grace The introduction does not include the concept of what you have learned.You will need to be sure to emphasize that in the conclusion if it is not mentioned in the introduction.

Thesis A basic statement of the main idea and the controlling, organizing concepts.

Body C, 11.3/15

Logical organization good ideas that connect

Topic sentences connect to thesis needs strengthening

Adequate development adequate

Conclusion NC, 0/5

Establishes wholeness with the thesis

Graceful connection to introduction

Sense of closure or conclusion

Mechanics/Usage B, 4.2/5 few errors in proofreading

Control of rules of writing

Neat and polished final copy

Corrected errors if indicated in rough draft comments

Final Grade 19/30 = 63% = NI You may rewrite. The only permanent grade is the proofreading "B."

Draft 3

In the American Revolution striking parallels between the thinking in my life and the thinking of the people in that time over 200 years ago can be found. By studying the thinking of the time, one can see relation (this idea is not clear...) in their own life to help improve their own life. The concepts of thinking include strong feelings of politics, independence, and reasoning which I have learned were prominent in the time. (B-)

Political Writing

First of all, the literature of the time was mostly political and not on activities such as exploration or faith, as it had been previously. A notion of awe about the new world was lost as the maps were filled in and the colonies preoccupied themselves in dealing with the British.

In my life too, the papers and work I am doing no longer is of my interests alone but in succeeding in academics and otherwise to fit a standard of excellence say, colleges are looking for. Personally, I am having to deal with the realities of other groups to try to succeed much as the writers and thinkers of the revolution were doing to sort themselves out with the British to better themselves and ultimately to free themselves from tyranny. This leads into the next area of similarities between my life and life at the time of the revolution – independence.

Independence

The colonies were just itching for independence to expand their freedoms. In the later colonial era of Great Britain, England’s colonial entities in North America were increasingly angered as England taxed them to fill its own coffers. It was like the parent who had nurtured its children into functioning adults was now forcing them into slave labor. They had as much a right to independence as Britain itself, and it would have been beneficial to Britain to start allowing them more political and economical freedom.

That’s a lot like where I am in life, needing to start taking over for myself so I will have the freedom to pursue my own interests for long term benefit. If I can sustain myself, I can travel to look for higher advancement and a job to develop into a higher achiever. If America was left to Britain’s devices, we might be still an agrarian backwater, with poverty and with an inability to defend ourselves. The nature of life, therefore, is to grow.

Reason

Lastly, the revolutionaries had reason over faith. They relied on reason as a sort of faith of its own. They needed to be reasonable in their thinking to have confidence and moral righteousness; this gave rise to the principles the United States is founded on which are found in the constitution, giving a solid foundation for governance.

Similarly, I find reasoned thinking can advance people to achieve. It is possible to get stuck on even straightforward tasks, and reasoning and logic will provide a solution. For example, I would not take out a loan if I had no income and I would not give out a loan to someone with no income either. It is a necessary step towards independence to be able to avoid mistakes and produce gain; the colonists had the ability for this through their reason, and every young person needs to be able to discern right and wrong.

Body = B+

Conclusion NI at this time

The people living in the time of the revolution had similar problems to overcome like I have had. They overcame them by taking on more responsibilities and throwing off unwelcome governance. (I am not sure what to say here) Remind us of the three big ideas in the intro--politics, independence, and reasoning. These are key words and concepts to your essay--and to your life.

Overall grade at this time: = 24.4/30 = B-

Draft 4

In the American Revolution striking parallels between the thinking in my life and time and the thinking of the people in the time of the revolution can be found. By studying the thinking of the time, one can see relation in their own struggles in life to those who struggled but managed to improve their own life and learn from them. The concepts of thinking include strong feelings of politics, independence, and reasoning which I have learned were prominent in the time. B more clear in meaning

Political Writing

First of all, the literature of the time was mostly political and not on activities such as exploration or faith, as it had been previously. A notion of awe about the new world was lost as the maps were filled in and the colonies preoccupied themselves in dealing with the British.In my life too, the papers and work I am doing no longer is of my interests alone but in succeeding in academics and otherwise to fit a standard of excellence say, colleges are looking for. Personally, I am having to deal with the realities of other groups to try to succeed much as the writers and thinkers of the revolution were doing to sort themselves out with the British to better themselves and ultimately to free themselves from tyranny. This leads into the next area of similarities between my life and life at the time of the revolution – independence.

Independence

The colonies were in great need for independence to expand their freedoms to increase in prosperity. In the later colonial era of Great Britain, England’s colonial entities in North America were increasingly angered as England taxed them to fill its own coffers. It was like the parent who had nurtured its children into adults was now forcing them into slave labor. They had as much a right to independence as Britain itself, and it would have been beneficial to Britain to start allowing them more political and economical freedom.

That’s a lot like where I am in life, needing to start taking over for myself so I will have the freedom to pursue my own interests for long term benefit. If I can sustain myself, I can travel to look for higher advancement and a job to develop into a higher achiever. If America was left to Britain’s devices, we might be still an agrarian backwater, with poverty and with an inability to defend ourselves. The nature of life, therefore, is to grow. A- using more formal language for the topic sentence was good

Reason

Lastly, the revolutionaries had reason over faith. They relied on reason as a sort of faith of its own. They needed to be reasonable in their thinking to have confidence and moral righteousness; this gave rise to the principles the United States is founded on which are found in the constitution, giving a solid foundation for governance.

Similarly, I find reasoned thinking can advance people to achieve. It is possible to get stuck on even straightforward tasks, and reasoning and logic will provide a solution. For example, I would not take out a loan if I had no income and I would not give out a loan to someone with no income either. It is a necessary step towards independence to be able to avoid mistakes and produce gain; the colonists had the ability for this through their reason, and every young person needs to be able to discern right and wrong.

Conclusion

The people living in the time of the revolution had similar problems to overcome like I have had. They overcame them by taking on more responsibilities and throwing off unwelcome governance. I will also take on more responsibility and independence. They wrote and discussed only the issues of importance and survival (politics) at their critical stage. I have also worked mostly on school and not wrote (written) or toyed too much on my own musings. They reasoned well as it would help them draft a government, as well as find supporters for a just cause. I have also used reason to plan my day and schedule work with free time and will continue to do so, seeing from the revolutionaries that it was so useful.In the end, the revolutionaries worked out a good system of working with others to achieve prosperity even in tough times, and I will continue to look to them for guidance, now and again, as theirs was a similar situation (a time of independence and growth) as mine. A excellent sense of closure; all the connections are made to create wholeness in the mind of the reader.

In class today, I will work with you to illustrate what the final copy should look like.Final grade: 26.6/30 = 88.6% = B+ I am very pleased at your work and improvement of this essay. You persevered!

This is called the writing process. I see my role is to lead the student through the stages of that process and to provide the student an opportunity to see what persevering can accomplish.

This is an example of consciousness-based writing. The purpose of the assignment was to create a link between the student's inner world and the topic of study so that the subject matter would be more meaningful and interesting.

Write a comment to say how you think this student did!

Copyright 2010 by Thomas L. Kepler, all rights reservedCopyrights of student writing examples remain with the students