I
hope you can help me. I am a 39-year-old divorced mother of
four. I’m also a grandmother. I’ve started seeing a younger
man, age 25, who is only a few years older than my oldest
kid. We hit it off great and other than the sex, everything
is beautiful. The problem is that my sex life with my ex-husband
of 20 years was very free. We did everything from toys to
bondage to watching porn together to three-ways.

My new guy is not happy that I have a collection of toys or
that I watch porn, have been to strip clubs, etc. He likes
“regular” sex and he refuses to use toys or do anything in
the adventurous realm. How do I even talk with him about what
I like without scaring him off? I love being tied up and spanked!
Plus he has never done oral and doesn’t even want to try!
Help!!!

—Frustrated
GILF In Minnesota

You’re
not gonna get what you want—excuse me, what you deserve, Grandma,
what you have a right to demand and expect—from this boy if
you’re not willing to risk scaring him off.

Considering his age, FGIM, it’s possible that your boyfriend,
during his very recent childhood, was locked in a classroom
with a sexually repressed idiot who “taught” him that sexual
ignorance is a virtue and that a limited sexual repertoire
is pleasing to Jesus. They call it “abstinence education,”
and it induces a kind of sexual imbecility (as well as leading
to higher rates of STI transmission, teen pregnancy, and American
Idol auditions).

Now you, Grandma Hoses, are going to have to undo the damage
done. You will have to “school” him, as the young people were
recently saying. Sit the boy down and tell him that you’re
older, wiser, and more experienced, and that you intend to
drag his butt up to your level, not allow him to drag yours
down to his. Tell him exactly what you like, tell him exactly
how you like it, and make sure he understands that you’re
not interested in being with someone long-term who isn’t interested
in meeting your needs.

You have leverage here, FGIM. Use it.

Gay here. The BF and I have a modestly open relationship—three-ways
once in a while, one-offs very rarely. It spices up the home
life and reinforces trust, blah blah blah. So, the BF was
visiting the folks the week between Christmas and New Year’s.
We’d both agreed to have a one-off that week and share the
juicy details when he got back. Saturday night, I had this
guy over and we fucked like crazy. The BF got home Sunday,
and we had a sexy time reviewing the juicy details of our
respective indiscretions.

Monday (New Year’s Eve), I was chatting with our neighbors.
They’re crazy, tequila-loving Texans, and liberals in most
respects—except, they’ve hinted, where sex is concerned. So,
they asked how the BF and I were doing, and when I mentioned
that we were great—the BF had just returned from a 10-day
trip—my neighbors’ demeanor totally changed. Their usually
playful and friendly selves turned immediately to ice.

They didn’t say anything, but I realized what happened: They
heard me and the one-off going at it and thought that I had
cheated on my BF in his absence! I had, of course, but it
was BF-sanctioned cheating! They’ve been very cold to me since.
We like them and don’t want to screw up our acquaintanceship
over a silly misunderstanding! I’m usually very direct with
people, but I worry that admitting that I cheated and that
the BF was in on it will solve one problem and create another.
We don’t want our Texans to think we’re a couple of perverts!
Suggestions?

—Sissies
Love Understanding Texans

P.S.
They hear us go at it all the time. I should’ve seen this
coming!

Straight Texans who aren’t bothered by the sounds of actual
queers actually going at it, SLUT, won’t be destroyed by your
non-monogamous news. That your relationship allows for a little
outside sexual contact—safe outside contact, I hope—may not
delight them, being sexual conservatives and all, but the
current state of affairs has to please them less than the
truth would.

Can’t you see how unfair you’re being, SLUT? Right now, the
neighbors think you’re a cheating piece of shit and your boyfriend
is a fool. So long as you allow them to go on assuming that
you’re officially monogamous, they’re going to feel
like unwilling coconspirators in your “infidelity.” They’ve
probably had more than one conversation about what, if anything,
they should say to your boyfriend.

Leaving them in that position isn’t fair, SLUT, it isn’t neighborly,
and they’re going to come to resent you more and more. There’s
only one way out: The two of you—it can’t be you alone, because
they’ll only assume they’re being pulled into another lie—will
have to go and tell them the hole fucking truth.

Do
you know any lawyers willing to take on a personal-injury
suit concerning fisting-induced fibromyalgia? When I call
local personal-injury lawyers here in Eugene, Ore., they get
all flustered.

—Fisting
Fallout

“It
is a little controversial whether fibromyalgia is a real disease
at all or just a mysterious constellation of symptoms,” says
Dr. Barak Gaster, Savage Love’s long-suffering resident medical
expert. “Most mainstream doctors accept it as real, but it’s
still in the slightly dubious category.”

Fibromyalgia’s constellation of symptoms includes fatigue,
generalized pain, irritable bowel syndrome, headaches, and
roughly 400 other complaints. But you fibromyalgia sufferers
have arrived: There’s a new drug on the market with a goofy
name (Lyrica), an annoying ad campaign (courtesy of Pfizer),
and its own constellation of possible side effects (hives,
difficulty breathing, swelling of the tongue, dizziness, sleepiness,
blurred vision, etc.).

But fisting-induced fibromyalgia? Maybe skidmarkalgia can
be induced by fisting, FF, but not fibromyalgia. “That would
NOT be considered credible in any real way whatsoever,” says
Dr. Barak. You may have fibromyalgia, FF, and you may have
been fisted before your diagnosis, but there’s no relationship,
and no personal-injury lawyer is going to take your case.

We
wanted to let you know that we appreciated your recent remarks
condemning bestiality. We agree that it is wrong, wrong, wrong
for the very same reason that you pointed out—the issue of
consent. However, we don’t agree with your advice that zoophiles
should “get a tall fence.” The zoophile who wrote you desperately
needs counseling and should in no way be encouraged to have
any contact with animals.

Like the pedophile who claims to “love” children, zoophiles
might profess their love and caring for the object of their
sexual desire, but it is without real consideration for the
psychological and physical well-being of their nonconsenting
partners. A recent study shows that 96 percent of offenders
who had engaged in bestiality also admitted to committing
sexual assaults on humans.

You do a wonderful job of humorously and intelligently dissecting
the psychosexual conundrums of those who write to you. We
worry, however, that your readers will miss your point and
take away from your column that bestiality is acceptable when
it is done behind “tall fences.”

—Colleen
O’Brien, Director of Communications, PETA

Thanks
for writing, Colleen, because I would hate for people to take
away from that column—you know, that column, the one where
I told RUFF to go get banged by dogs behind “tall fences”—that
it’s in any way permissible for a human person to get, you
know, banged by canine dogs behind tall, tall fences. I’m
grateful for the opportunity to clarify my position. Which
is con. Because, you know, gross.

To read more letters—lots more—about my advice for RUFF, go
to www.thestranger.com/savage/ruff.

Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.