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In the Trenches

I love him unconditionally. In fact, I even like him! He's charming and fun and totally entertaining. However, this kid is giving me gray hair - and that, I do not like. Note to self: make an appointment for a root touch up immediately. Who needs premature gray? Not me. I'm too vain.

Needless to say, my youngest child is once again in crisis, although this picture does not indicate such - he's a good faker and he can put on a happy face when the situation requires it to be necessary. The picture was taken on his 17th birthday, so clearly, he experienced a moment or two of happiness.

However, the real truth is that he is hurting and he is struggling to the point of daily panic attacks that are full blown with breathing problems, hyperventilation and body quakes - not pretty. The recent crisis is caused by a sudden reality check that portrays his world as crashing down around him. And he is finally recognizing the consequences of his past actions are a direct result of his own poor decisions and choices. He has a court date for drug possession on April 24. In the meantime, his drug test came back positive. He is flunking his classes and he may need to repeat all of his junior year in high school. This week, he was so angry that he crashed through his bedroom door and busted out the entire frame, thus damaging my house in a way that will require much repair and several hundred dollars... the door is fine... the frame and the walls are trashed... shattered... splintered... and damaged beyond a quick repair.

In the daily life of a 17 year old - these things are HUGE, and they are a wake up call as to what real life is all about. And in the meantime, he is not handling the realities well. He's experiencing daily panic attacks, a severe lack of self confidence, isolation from his friends, and an overall sense of helplessness. I'd like to say, "welcome to adulthood," but in this instance, that would be totally inappropriate considering that he is still fighting his autoimmune disease and he is still in need of weekly infusions that require 4 hours of needles hooked up to his belly as gamma globulin flows into his body. He's fighting his health care every step of the way, and it is not fun, and certainly not something a "normal" teen should have to deal with. So, in a way, I understand where his anger and frustration come from. But still, it does not give him a free pass to give up on life and rebel at every turn.

I'm not offering these observations as an excuse, because John is 17 years old and he is now of an age where he must deal with the consequences of his actions. However, it is all too much at one time. Isn't that the way life is? All or nothing? I never have understood why things happen this way. And for the mother of troubled child, the result is gray hair and many nights of stress and worry. I am beside myself with feelings of failure and lack of the skills to help a child in need of so much more than I am qualified to give. So I give love. And more love. And even more love. But I'm also mad, and that is where the feelings of guilt come into play.

Clearly, I'm in over my head as to how to deal with these problems. I do the best I can, and yet my heart aches all along the way. I am well aware that my time is ever drawing near when I will no longer be able to control John's medical treatments, nor will I be able to solve his problems (okay... admittedly, that day has long since passed, however, I still like to think that I can help him out once in a while). And, thus, my reality is that I am deep in the trenches and I am doing everything I can to survive this battle.

Anyway... that's where I've been. My absence has had nothing to do with my personal surgery... the surgery went relatively well and I've not heard back regarding the pathology reports, which in my mind means no cervical cancer cells, so all is well in that regard. The recovery took longer than expected, but I'm a slow recovery person, so the side effects of illness and discomfort were not a surprise. By about day seven, I was on the mend. Thank goodness, because, honestly, I don't have time to think about it. I've got my hands full with this child and that is about all I can handle at this moment in time.

Overwhelmed. That's putting it mildly. I'm in so far over my head that I don't know where to turn. So I pray. And I pray some more. And all the while, I hope for answers as I continue to trust in God. Last week, I received an answer to prayers in an unexpected form: a neighbor showed up at my door asking me to walk with her. Well, at the time, I was emotionally in a really bad place, so I declined the
walk. But she stayed and lent a listening ear. In the end, I poured my heart out to her and I felt so much better for facing my fears and being totally honest with Suzanne about my shortcomings and my fears. She was an angel in disguise, and for that, I was blessed.

After she left, I realized that my prayers were being answered in an unexpected way: all this month, Jeff has been asking me to walk with him and our dog Buddy. He
thinks I need more exercise and that I need fresh air to clear my head. Also, my Mom has been mentioning walks a lot - along the same lines as Jeff...
fresh air, clear my head, exercise, getting out of the house, etc.

So the next day, when Jeff once again asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with
him and Buddy, I surprised him by agreeing to do so. We walked. And walked. And
walked. Jeff is a fast walker, but he slowed down enough for me to keep up. We
had a nice walk. And it was good to get out in the fresh air and clear my head.
The exercise was nice, too, because, as most people know, I get ZERO exercise (sewing and crafting do not count as exercise). And even though my
weight is holding steady at 121-122, my body shape is getting really flabby and
I've sized up in my clothes. NOT GOOD! I'm short, and I don't want to be short AND fat. Short is bad enough.

So I guess it was a sign from those who love me (and from God) - all these people saying,
"walk, Kelly, walk." I' ve since walked for an entire week. Walking with Jeff is
pleasant - and I only have one rule: no hand holding. I'm sorry... but when I see
people walking their dogs and holding hands at the same time it makes me wonder
how the heck they keep their balance. It's not a midnight stroll, for crying out
loud... it's a walk with the dog and for exercise. So no hand holding allowed. Jeff thought it was a funny rule, but he agreed to abide by my request since the goal was to get me off my butt and not to turn the ordeal into a date. Later,
when I tripped on the sidewalk, he realized that my hand holding rule was a good
rule to follow! Note that I've since tripped at least once every single day that we have walked. Jeff is now laughing about my rule, and I think he appreciates that I brought it up in the first place!

After a full week of walking, my legs are sore and my body is aching, but my mind is clear and I am in a better place than I've been in months. Good thing - since the door incident happened just this week and who knows how I would have handled it if I were still in my dark place with feelings of parenting failure and lack of faith in how to proceed.

In other news:

PURE HAPPINESS!

My sorority girl at a Chi Omega Alumni sponsored luncheon (Alyssa is standing in the back row - center girl wearing a salmon colored blouse). She is doing so well at GMU, which, in turn, makes me realize that I must have done something right at one point in time. Whew. Another blessing!

I titled this entry "In the Trenches" and I know that I am not the only parent of teens who feels this way. Some days are more than I can bear to think about, and other days I find myself holding on by my fingernails. But when all is said and done, I will forever love my children unconditionally, and I will never stop believing in them... thus, I will continue to hold on, even if it means slipping once in a while, because as long as I don't let go, I am not losing the battle.

However, this parenting thing is far more challenging that I ever dreamed possible, but it has also helped me build character in ways that I never knew I was capable of... because, really, who wouldn't have to swallow all of their pride and still stand tall when escorting their wayward child to a court appearance and a mandatory drug test? I have eaten more humble pie this past year than I thought was possible... and yet, I'm still standing. I'm in the trenches... but I'm still standing. And at the end of the day, that, in and of itself, is a blessing.

Comments

I feel so bad for John. I am in very much his shoes healthwise and I think as a younger person especially a boy it is soooo freaking overwhelming and scary. It sucks to literally wake up and face your mortality daily. It sucks to know that this is your life forever....lots of infusions, hospital stays etc.

The bright spot for me is my family and child but I think as a younger person you can't see that forest for the trees.

I think he is acting out drug wise for a few reasons....one....he is probably in more pain physically than you could realize. I know I am the major downplayer of everything and I think a guy would too, two I think he is just looking for an escape...something to make him forget about it all for a while and three it is something that makes him feel normal and last but not least I think it is a control thing....it is hard knowing that your body is betraying you and you AREN'T in control...I think he feels like that is something he CAN control. Does that make sense.

I have suffered with depression and anxiety and have been in some very dark places myself. I am here if you need insight...I know it is different because he is a male but I can tell you what helped me.

You are all going to be in my prayers. I just pray that John can come to the same peace with things I have. I think you almost go through a grieving process....of a normal life...sounds like he is just in the denial/anger phase.

Thank you for sharing. I, too am in the trenches, except mine is 18 and so he claims that he is an "adult" and does not need to ask permission anymore, follow our rules even though he is living in our house, and he is so angry I just don't understand why. Each and every day there is drama revolving around my youngest child and I am so worried about him. I love him dearly but a part of my dreams of the day he will move out onto his own so that we will not have these daily battles and life will somehow be somewhat calm so that my blood pressure will go back to a healthy level and I will stop getting stress migraines. How can you help a child that does not want your help. I take courage from blog and the fact that I am not alone. Thanks again for sharing.

During one of my roughest teenage times, I literally kicked a hole in my bedroom wall. I still remember the absolutely trapped anger I felt...like a caged lion with nothing to pounce on, and if I didn't get that anger out of me something in ME would have been like that wall.

Which is my way of saying: I still know he will eventually work it out. He will have consequences that linger, but it will all straighten out in the end. BIG HUGS to you!

Just as I was sitting here thinking about my own parenting shortcomings, I ran across one of your posts and clicked on your blog. I think I need to get walking, too. Parenting my teenager is the hardest thing I've ever done, it affects everything that I do, and it is sucking the life out of me. I have gray hairs too.

So, next time you go for a walk, know that I will be walking too, and that it will be because of you. And next time you have a moment of darkness, think about the light that you're shedding on the lives of others. God does work in mysterious ways.

Good Luck with your son. I don't usually comment on blogs, but I do read yours frequently and felt compelled to tell you how great of a mom you are! You have so much kindness and patience with your children as they go through the ups and downs of life. I have a 14 year old daughter and I only hope I can be 1/2 the mother and friend you are to your kids! My prayers are with you and your family during this tough time. I am sure everything will work out for the best in time.

Kelly, my heart and prayers go out to you. I'm glad you see that God is working in your life through other people. I agree with the other posters that walking will do wonders. If you walk alone, consider listening to some inspirational podcasts or some praise/worship music too. This shoul help calm you down and give you strength for what lies ahead.

You are an excellent and devoted mother. Do not doubt yourself. As parents, we do the best we can. I am a mother of three teenage sons and it is not easy. We have to remember they are individuals and often strong-willed. Just as God, our Father, watches us, his children, make poor choices at times, we continue to love our children. You know that. Sometimes we need that reminder to not be so hard on ourselves as parents.

Kelly, sending lots of hugs to you and your sweet son. I have seen some similar tough times in my own family (though I am not a parent myself and can only imagine how tough it must be, and your situation is magnified by so many extenuating circumstances). Just know that I am thinking of you all.

kelly, i would also remind you of how difficult last year was with Alyssa. you survived her senior year and have seen a complete turnaround with her. unfortunately, john has the added burden of his health issues. embrace the smiles and good times. he'll come around too. we want to think that 17 and 18 yo's are ready to be adults. they want to be, but their brains are still developing. it's a tough time for the kids and the parents.

you are lucky that jeff wants to walk with you. i find myself in his position trying to get my dh to walk with me. i think it is a great way to connect with one another, away from the tv and other household activities.

Kelly -- sending you many hugs and prayers for all of what's going on. I know it has to be so hard to deal with what all John's doing/experiencing. I can't tell you how many times I almost texted you this week . . . . I was worried that the surgery hadn't gone well and that you needed your rest! From now on, when I have the urge to text Kelly, I'm gonna do it!

I had to laugh about the tripping. . . oh, we're so alike! We were walking down a sidewalk last week and I hit the place in the path where there had been some major settling. I stumbled, and I hurt so bad I thought I broke my ankle! It's better now, but still sore. So now every time I feel that soreness, I'll be thinking of you.

once again you have written a post that hits home for me. i am back to walking outside and have found it grounds me in a way the treadmill never could. i have a walking partner who keeps me going and when she is not available, it is tough for me to 'keep the pace'. you have been through so much and it never seems that light is getting any closer, the tunnel just keeps getting longer. but you persevere. and i cheer you on. sending you love, hugs and so much more....aching legs, blisters and a clearer head - walking will do that for you.