Zarion Kreena: And I am Zarion Kreena. Here are the night’s top stories. Charlie Sheen is in trouble for swearing. This is what we call an example of nothing new.

Tigerboy: Fear is in the air, as people believe that 2013 will be a year for destructive climate change. All I have to say about it is, “S’Winter is here! FINALLY!”

Zarion: It’s a Phineas and Ferb reference. Look it up. Samuel L. Jackson is under controversy for dropping the f-and s-bombs on Saturday Night Live. However, this deflected the audience from noticing Kristen Wiig sneaking on stage and stealing some of the scenery.

Tigerboy: The 200th episode of Spongebob Squarepants is coming. The episode will feature people complaining about how bad the show has gotten.

Zarion: Many people have special traditions on New Year’s Eve. Here’s what my family does on New Year’s Eve. We have a disastrous picture, with people falling off the couch and saying “I’m going to beat someone to death with my party horn.” There is the honking of the horns, and the hogging of the pie. I will pretend to be drunk, even though I do not drink beer. Finally, I will try to hog the pie.

Tigerboy: Thank you for that…interesting idea. The world’s tallest building, which resides in Dubai, apparently smells like poop. Residents say that this is because of all the dirty laundry.

Zarion: Earlier this year, a third grader dodged jury duty. Bystanders said that he would have taken the job, but he had to clean his room.

Tigerboy: At the end of this day, if a fiscal solution is not reached, we will face massive government budget slashes and taxes hikes. Here to talk about the consequences, Nervous Ned.

Nervous Ned: Hello, hello. Well, we’re all going to die!

Tigerboy: We went over this last time. Ned, you have to learn to calm down.

Nervous Ned: Sorry, sorry. (coughs) S0, we will have less money to spend things with, and less monkey in our paycheck. Excuse me, money. Sorry. Employment will gradually worsen. As the money disappears, we will get poorer and poorer. Martial law will become as matter of fact as the fact that the apocalypse did not happen. Or did it?????

Tigerboy: Really, Ned? Really? Okay, one more chance. I’m going to lay out some simple facts, and you’re going to tell me what might happen. A little game of Hypothetical Cause and Effect. I’ll start. We all get a little poorer.

Nervous Ned: Money will be tighter.

Tigerboy: Less things will be spent.

Nervous Ned: We’re all going to die.

Tigerboy: Ned! Okay..(takes a deep breath) How did you come to that conclusion?

Nervous Ned: It’s simple. Money will be tighter, so less food will be bought. Less food will be bought, so people might start hoarding. The people who are featured on Hoarders: Buried Alive will our rulers, because they have the most experience at hoarding. When the hoarders take over, society will inevitably crumble. When society crumbles, we will form our own version of The Hunger Games. When we form our own version of The Hunger Games, we will eventually run out of people to slaughter. When we run out of people to slaughter, we will kill each other. There. It’s simple. When money is tighter, society will cease to exist.

Tigerboy: Ned, when you were young, were you bitten by a radioactive copy of When You Give A Mouse A Cookie? It doesn’t matter. Nervous Ned, everybody!

Zarion Kreena: Gangnam Style has reached over one billion views, and now they want to get two billion views before 2013 officially starts. I don’t know about you, but I know what I’m going to do today.

Tigerboy: Mascots may ask for more money next year. Actually, that makes sense, because who would want to live in one of those costumes for the rest of their lives?

Zarion Kreena: Tigerboy, they don’t live in those costumes.

Tigerboy: Oh…

Zarion Kreena: Eggnog pie exists. Therefore, society has crumbled.

Tigerboy: Justin Bieber is hoping to film a movie next year. We have devised a copy of the script, and the title is “We Hate You. Sincerely, All Legitimate Film Stars Of The World.” From News Update, I’m Tigerboy!