Future MOH Drama

Hi! So I have some wedding drama I need advice on. So my fiance and I decided not to invite children to our wedding because the only children in our family are under the age of 2 and our wedding starts at 6 and ends at midnight, dinner is not served until past 8 so it’s honestly not a very child friendly wedding. My fiance’s brother has a baby that is a little over 1 and will be about 1/2 by the time of the wedding. My fiance’s family lives out of state btw. So, on the wedding invitation enclosure card we wrote “Although we love the little ones, this is an adults only event.” We weren’t expecting this to be an issue because we have very close friends and people in the bridal party with kids the same age and they said they would prefer to get a sitter because they want to be able to have fun at the wedding and the wedding goes late. Well, when his brother got the wedding invitation he freaked out and posted on my FI’s facebook wall “Is it true you’re not inviting kids to the wedding” My fiance works nights and has a hard schedule (he’s military) so I replied to the post and said “it was a really hard decision but unfortunately due to the budget and the time frame of our wedding we decided not to invite children. Well he freaked, he wrote back ON FACEBOOK “I’m not going to the wedding then” and this guy is a groomsman. It gets worse, then he called his mom, my Future mother in law, complaining about us (mostly me), so she started texting me and attacking me over it. I tried to explain that the wedding wasn’t child friendly and we couldn’t afford to invite children too. I even offered to get a babysitter to watch his brother’s kid back at the hotel during the wedding and pay for it. Nope. Not good enough. His mother straight up ignored my phone call and wrote she was “too upset to talk to me right now”. I even offered to make an exception for my FI’s nephew only and allow him to possibly go. Still not good enough. Part of what is making me so mad about this too is she hasn’t paid for ANY of the wedding so it feels pretty unfair to get attacked when I said it was also due to budget. Fast forward two weeks later and she still is not talking to me. She is also pissed off at me apparently because of the room block and that she didn’t get a choice in hotel, she specifically texted my FI that she’s mad at me for “telling her who to invite and where to stay” WTF it’s our wedding! We live in CA and are getting married in a wine vacation area so the rooms are expensive and we’re getting married over a holiday weekend so we reserved a room block at the hotel that our wedding venue is at and that provides transportation to and from the venue. However, in order to get our guests a discounted rate and to reserve the block, we had to sign a contract guaranteeing that 80% of the rooms will be booked by our guests or we have to pay for the unbooked rooms ourselves. So yes I do want people to reserve in the room block because otherwise we will get screwed. I understand that the room block is expensive even with the discount because it works out to like $180 a night after taxes because it’s a vacation area but that’s still much, much cheaper than it would be without the block discount and we are getting married 15 months after we got engaged so it’s not like she hasn’t had time to plan on it and save. Not to mention the fact that since she hasn’t helped with the wedding at all you would think she wouldn’t give me such a hard time over a hotel room. Anyway, it’s been almost three weeks since her initial freak out at me and she is still not talking to me and I need help with stuff from her for the wedding, like sending photos so I can start getting them together for the rehearsal dinner slideshow, etc. Our wedding is in less than 5 months and I want to be able to do this kind of stuff now. I don’t really know what to do here because I’ve been nothing but nice and I feel like I’m getting attacked on everything and it’s completely unfair that she’s giving me the “silent treatment” over the hotel and no kids decison. Any advice for how to handle the situation?

julies1949: We wanted to do that but the problem is since he’s military he’s gone all the time @ places where he gets no phone or email access and can’t communicate and works crazy hours when he’s not gone. Out of three weeks he’s been able to try to call her once and it was late at night so it went to voicemail. I’m worried that if I leave it to him it will be months before this gets resolved because of his schedule.

ANYWAY, I agree with Julie – have your fiance talk to his mother. When I had issues with my in-laws, I passed the buck to DH to handle. Your family, your call. He needs to let his mom know that giving you the silent treatment like a child isn’t the way you’re going to handle disagreements, and also show that you have a united front on these issues. He should also call his brother and try to explain, and if the brother doesn’t come around, just comment about how sad you’ll be to not have him there at the wedding.

Miss_AshNicole: Unfortunately, this seems to happen a lot with weddings. While I don’t think it’s fair for your FMIL to demand you host your wedding a certain way since you’re paying for it, your guests are still free to decline the invite. I agree with julies1949 that you should let your FI deal with his mother/brother. Best of luck.

Miss_AshNicole: Hah, nah – people will still click in. I was just confused going through waiting to see MOH drama on top of this drama!

I saw your update that your FI doesn’t have the easiest time getting phone access. Can he send an email and explain stuff or set up a time to talk to her? I really do think he needs to take the reins on this one.

Miss_AshNicole: Definitely let your FI handle communication with his mom. Your wedding is 5 months away, you’ve got time to get the photos from her if you really need them. Other than that, let her son talk to her and give her time to calm down.

Miss_AshNicole: Whew, wall of text. Ok, a few things: 1) Your fiance should be the one communicating with his own family. 2) It’s your prerogative not to invite children. But know that many people will not attend without their children, especially if it is a destination wedding. It is their prerogative to decline to attend, but they are rude to give you a hard time about it. 3) Your hotel block is an option for your guests, not a requirement. If your FMIL doesn’t like the hotel, she doesn’t have to stay there. But seriously, let your fiance deal with his own family.

ETA: Don’t tell people you aren’t inviting kids “due to budget.” Not only is it rude (because it suggests you are valuing fancy food/drink over people), but it also leaves open the door for someone to rudely offer to pay for an invited guest to attend.

I guess this whole thing is just upsetting me because she’s so angry for “telling her where to stay and who to invite” but i’m like that’s what I’m supposed to do right? It’s our wedding. My parents and my fiance and I are paying for it. They haven’t helped with anything.

merpitymerp: RE: the children. That’s why we offered to pay for a sitter at the hotel. We don’t understand why that’s not a good solution to make everyone happy. Regarding the room block, if she stays somewhere else and his family follows her example to save like $5 a night, we will get screwed and have to pay thousands for the empty rooms that we reserved as a courtesy. And that’s where our wedding is at so I don’t understand why they would not stay there.

I don’t like little kids at weddings. I declined a ton of invitations when my kids were little for out of town weddings where I knew I couldn’t get a sitter. BIL is being rediculous, although, I think with an out of town wedding, and no kids invited, it is perfectly acceptable for him to POLITELY decline to come.

Miss_AshNicole: Are you paying for everything everything or are they still paying for their hotel? $180 per night might be a great rate for the area, but they might not know that, and it also might be a lot more than they usually spend per night so they’re uncomfortable with it. It sucks, but maybe they’re just bargain hunters and wanted a chance to find a cheaper room.

It does all seem like a really extreme reaction if the only thing you did was tell them politely it was an adult only wedding.

Miss_AshNicole: If you need to communicate with her re the pictures for example, because your FI can’t do it while he is away, send joint emails to your Mom and her. Handle her identically to your Mom.( You can always talk with or email your Mom separately also).