Dazzle Final Keepers

Some sad news regarding a little change up this year, due to time constraints I’m going to be decidedly less amusing than usual and, after this initial post, group a couple sets of keepers together at a time to cut down on the total number of posts. So we’re going to go with a quasi Dear Dazzle style tonight, and I’ll write these things however I damn well please going forward.

I know, you guys, and I feel really bad about this. Actually, I don’t really feel bad about this at all, but it feels like the polite thing to say.

“But Dazzle, how will we know your thoughts on our specific keepers? I derive my entire sense of self-esteem from your positive comments.”

Sure, but then again, the converse of that must also be true and you probably fall into a deep depression when I shit all over your players which is, objectively, a pretty high percentage of the time. So six of one, you say Toe-mott-oh. Also I’ll offer some opinions when warranted.

“But Dazzle, I want to read your hilarious non-sequitur thoughts that frequently accompany your posts, they are the only thing that brings me joy in this grinding, slow, soul crushing march towards death that I call my life.”

I know guys, I’m fully responsible for uplifting each of you emotionally, it’s a responsibility I proudly accept. I am the one, above all others, who dictates happiness in your individual lives. I’ve got nothing else witty to say here, I just humbly acknowledge my own level of importance to each of you.

“But Dazzle, when are Jerkfest?”

I’m glad you asked, as a reminder Jerkfest are the weekend of March 13-14 here in Philadelphia. Keepers are due a week before the draft and you can email or text your keepers to me or the Captain. I’ll update them on the draft board immediately and place them together in a post with 2-3 other teams when I have the time/inspiration to do so.

“But Dazzle, what was the whole meaning of this stupid fucking post?”

Language children. In addition to breaking the news of fewer posts to you gently, I wanted to be the first to announce my keepers this year. Barring injury prior to the deadline, the old Dazzle is keeping Giancarlo Stanton, Jose Abreu, Adam Wainwright, Cole Hamels, and Aroldis Chapman. By way of analysis, the top 4 are no brainers, Chapman is my estimation of the best player out of the remainder of my roster but was tough to pick over a few other guys. This is a pretty legit group when you consider I’m throwing Felix Hernandez, Robinson Cano, and Bryce Harper back into the pool. I’ll go into the season pitching heavy and I’ll be at the mercy of how the draft unfolds picking 12th and 13th. Having said that, when your 5th keeper is at the very top of his position you aren’t doing too shabby. Pretty typical of a championship caliber team.

“But Dazzle, you mean to tell me you kept Chapman over Wil Myers, David Robertson, and Matt Adams? That’s utterly insane, all of those guys are totally keeper worthy?”

I know, I know, crazy right? I mean, who WOULDN’T want these guys for dirt cheap prices as keepers. I mean, I’ve looked around and I see a few teams missing a 4th or 5th keeper and they might be considering giving up the farm in a deep draft to acquire talent, but why would they do that when guys of this elite caliber are available for a far cheaper price? That’s what happens when a championship team is blessed with an embarrassment of riches. These guys are elite.Make me a trade offer.Just to be clear, I’m not misappropriating the website to solicit trade offers, and you know that I’m being honest when I say that, because I’m telling you it’s my word.