Did you ever dream that you were a dog agility super champ except then it switched and you were at some germy, grungy, derelict seaside park in the dark and the carnies were actually drug addled zombies that were shambling after you with hammers and their big teeth? And then as you're trying to escape your way out from under their oily, horrible claws by clambering up a rat infested palm tree, you're all, this is about dog agility like, how?

17 January 2008

A mini van is a personal choice.

Today is the decrepid morning after dirt night. Even though I only ran the small dogs, who were great I do add. Hobbes had to stay home because of the actual invconvenience of Rob's work and picking up dogs on the wrong side of another county. I always feel like I'm hit by a truck on Thursday morning but since I've been taking slow, shuffling, demented Timmy with us everywhere I am out of shape. Because I walk real slow and shuffling and likely even demented when I have Timmy with us. Who cares, it's Timmy! What's some extra fat and no muscles. And not carrying enormous heavy things like a-frames and pieces of dog walks for a few weeks takes a toll when you start doing it again. I guess I need to start getting up at 5am to add exersizing without Timmy to my list of things to do. Ha!

At least Tash has found us a nice plastic surgeon that seems to have a new agey twist on plastic surgery for ladies. Thanks Tash! Since the dog agility demographic seems to be (I took this from Clean Run Magazine's demographics. That is THE magazine for dog agility. It is kind of boring but has helpful training articles if you are a dog agility trainer or just like reading that kind of stuff) people who are maybe going to get some knife work at some point. Nothin' wrong with a little nip and tuck is what I say, right? Subtle. Little.

Over 94% of the subscribers are women.

Over 38% are between 41 and 50 years of age, 30% are between the ages of 51 and 60 years, and over 23% are between 51 and 60 years.

Our typical reader attends 12-18 agility trials each year and spends over $4,000 annually on this hobby.

I'll have to add up my receipts and get back to you. Although creative accounting lets many dog related things be a business expense for me due to my "Animal Training" business. Thanks accountant! I just entered their demographic! I subscribed for a long time before this but I wasn't even on their advertising radar because I was too young.

Clean Run has a store that sells stuff you might like to buy to roll into your $4000. Or maybe that is seperate. They are a crafty bunch there at the enterprise that is Clean Run. The magazine is actually nicely designed, so that makes it at least viewable, but the articles are just DRY except when you need help in like making those contacts work right. I am asking you here, what kind of articles would YOU want to read in an agility magazine that are not really training instructions? Like about good agility underwear? Once they had an article about good mini vans for dogs and it made me want to cry and quit agility. But because I am sick and now in their demographic I actually read it but the whole time with conviction. Should I ever want to get my own mini van just shoot me dead to the ground and then run over me in Joel Warner's Millionaire Car. A mini van is no way to live. Missy Elliot wouldn't be seen in one. Gwen Stefani? Only ever to HIDE from the paparazzi. Even if you can fit a foldable teeter and 4 crates in it.

Let's all just read Donna Haraway's new History of Conciousness Critical Theory Cyber Animal book instead, "When Species Meet." I'll give you a book review of it someday if Gustavo doesn't eat my glasses and I can make it through. Donna says start with Chapter 8, which means there is some stuff in there you can understand without a PhD. I have a Masters Degree, so I know I can at least do Chapter 8 and I bet a lot of other chapters too. Thanks Donna! I know you drive a mini van but you write cool books so that gives you way extra points!

9 comments:

Tash, thanks for the link. My contribution on the plastic surgery for agility ladies links is:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/living/2002441727_catman16.html

Only, of course, our totemic animal would be the dog!

Good one, Laura! Diss Donna about her mini-van! Donna, I know the mini-van is PR to make the rest of feel okay about not being as smart as you.

Speaking of PR, is it too early to say that we're now kind of liking Christian. And spanking Rami is not going to work. The guy is one-track. We were outraged the the crier-guy didn't get kicked off. I mean Kit never managed to pull off one good design, probably because she seems to spend more time on her barfy candy-punk look than on designing anything for PR.

I meant to say, Kit never pulled off a single memorable design...BUT...at least she was well-groomed in her barfy candy-punk way and she doesn't cry all the time. I know, I know, he has reason to cry and speaks Spanish (that even I can understand) with his mother, but HE'S ANNOYING. We should task HIM with the agility ladies underwear project! He's a lingerie specialist! Give him until 1 a.m., and $10 for materials. He could redeem himself.

Yes we can all aspire to catman! This is what Tash has been trying to warn me of I am pretty sure. That is a good example of when you are pretty darn sure they had the plastic surgery. Not subtle. I am not getting any whiskers!

This is exactly right about the mini van and Donna. Donna can do anything she damn well pleases because she is like 10thousand times smarter than me. So her mini van is a whole different thing than if I had a mini van. Do you see how this works?

Didn't we love Christian teaching how to work the runway? Take it Back, To the Side, Work it Girl! It is like teaching a rear cross! And we were very pleased with their dress and of course LOVED the whole Bitch and stressed out Jillian outfit. Whole outfit. Wish I could wear that to the nursing home with Gustavo! I got mad at Kit on that prom dress too. So even though she was cute she made some bad dresses. Off with her weidersein. It could easily have been Rami but he uses the hypnosis on Heidi and NIna.

You do not have incontinence. You do not. Just go to the bathroom more. A thong is never wrong! Fewer panty lines at dog agility is a good thing! Especially when you are the new rising star of dog agility Mary Shultz!

Also Victoria's secret underwear, all of them, has little pink embroidered dogs on them and you can just wait til they have the big sale and buy a whole bunch and not have to worry about new underwear for a year.

New Rising Star of Agility! NOT! Ariel is the New Rising Star of Aussie Agility -- I'll go there. I had such a great time last night! I was so nervous! Ariel did great! I did OK except when I got a spastic body mental block on the serpentine. I knew I wasn't going to get it. It's like I go into spatial chaos: my arms fly everywhere. I don't know which way is forward, let alone left. Ariel gets annoyed. I know I'm going to have to go home and quietly figure it out, but it's not going to happen in the class. And then Rob ran Ariel and she did it perfectly the first time, of course. I love seeing her run! It was a little hard, though, to see her like Rob more than me after about 90 seconds of his magical handling. She ran right back to him and dropped the ball at his feet. We fight about that ball, but for Rob, no fighting, just instant adoration of the godlike Rob. Now, I don't begrudge anyone anything, but it did hurt my feelings just a little. Ariel! I let you between the sheets!

Speaking of mental retardation: it's a holiday on Monday! I so could have gone to the CPE match on Sunday! I suspect this is going to be the Rising Star of Agility! NOT! refrain: miss all entry deadlines because you are so not able to plan beyond tomorrow, at best!

Finally, got the password thing going! First of all, keeping track of the presidential canidates means I'd have to watch the debates and REALLY listen when it begins to sound Exactly like Yard Duty. Ohh, not a good job for me. Too much yard duty makes one a bit off. Aren't I there already?

I just finished PR. Must Tivo PR since I fall asleep if I try to watch it live. Christian is a hoot! Love Christian and I loved their dress! Who do you think will be off next?

Thongs on Dirt Night, too? Don't you find Dirt Night Debris in very odd places when you get home? A thong is a must for yoga. NO VPL for yoga, but Dirt Night, too? Hmmmm.... What if someone opens the porta potty door by mistake when you're in there?

The trainer running the dog or riding the horse thing is a secret weapon the trainers have. We do it because it's cool for you to see how to make your dog turn or your horse pick up the canter correctly but then sometimes the person goes home and cries. I just learned this recently about the crying part. So at least it did not make you cry. I hardly ever run a dog unless it is an emergency. I get on the damn horses all the time. I just have to.

Yeah I will say I did not wear a thong at dirt night. It is too cold and it truthfully not work wear for me and what I wear to dirt night just happens to be what I wear at work all day. Too cold of buttness happening. But it would not be wrong to wear one at a dog show! Or to always get the embroidered dog logo ones at victoria secret. They do not pay me to say that. I also don't get why they have a dog for a logo. But if I'm going to wear logo wear that isn't TSD, then small and on my ass is a good place.

We're all clear on the plastic surgery thing (no pulling faces)...but thongs. I rebeled - b/c as Mary asked about the whole crack issue, done w/ it! I mean, is there a REALLY comfy thong? If yes, you would wear it on dirt night. I am not saying granny-panties are okay - there's gotta be some spice. Tash

How did I miss that? (Because I'm self-obsessed?) Dual purpose: seriously punk professional with a touch of dominatrix just right for pack leaders: coat for equine day use--pedal-pushers (what do the youngster call that these days?) for after hours canine fun. For a tall person! We'll by you a hair piece. Imagine striding out onto a USDAA course in that! You would revolutionize the sport in 3 seconds!

Laura Hartwick, Captain

Many people around Santa Cruz know Laura as the lady with all those little black dogs. Many people know her as a horse trainer. Many people know her as the artist with the small brushes. Many people know her as that hoity graphic designer.
None of them would be wrong.
All the dogs of Team Small Dog, righteously awesome.
Laura Hartwick is usually a nice person. Except when she isn't. Be nice, don't bite, and run faster.