Quote:“Will utilize the cutting-edge technology of (graphics card) to provide the best graphics of this generation!”

Indicates: Sure, you can play it using whatever you have now, but with (graphics card) you can make sure it's SUPER NEATO KEEN.

True Meaning: When our PR department was installing the card, the idiot actually cut himself on the slot. Someone said, "Now THAT'S cutting edge technology," and we're still patting ourselves on the back too much to let that in-joke go to waste.

Quote:“Voice acting done by (actor/actress)!”

Indicates: You can hear your favorite celebrity while playing a video game!

True Meaning: Over and over and over again.

Quote:“Dynamic character creation!”

Indicates: You can create any character you could possibly imagine. Want your 90 year old grandma to be the hero? You can have that!

True Meaning: Whoa! You get four different hats to choose from!

Quote:“Xbox Live allows you to communicate in real time during games and set up chats with your friends!”

Indicates: Talk to your teammates during the game; talk with your friends while organizing a game; generally communicate better in a game.

True Meaning: Listen to some random idiot tell you how high he is; listen to some kid make random unfunny comments; listen to crazed gaming addicts call you a "stupid newbie" because you haven't devoted 7 hours a day to the title in question. Realize that you have to exit the game to setup a chat lobby for friends and end up calling them on the telephone to arrange games.

Quote:“This game features excellent replayability with unlockable content!”

Indicates: You'll want to replay this game again and again to open up all the cool unlockables.

True Meaning: All of the unlockables will be art galleries that could have been in the instruction book or a skin that we whipped up in an hour in Photoshop. No one will bother with the unlockables except obsessive compulsives.

Quote:“It's everything you like about popular 2D fighting game, but in 3D!”

Indicates: It plays like popular 2D fighting game but with new strategic opportunities opened up with the addition of 3D movement.

True Meaning: Company is living in an alternate dimension where "3D" is still nothing more than an industry buzzword. Gameplay is still more or less restricted to a 2D plane. Even if you can sidestep, it's not much more than two steps at a time for reasons unbeknownst to most non-designers, but, hey, don't those fireballs look pretty?

Quote:“Although we're traditionally a PC games developer, we've tweaked, refined, and streamlined our new game to create a cross-platform title that will bring riveting gameplay to PC and console gamers alike!”

Indicates: This game will be accessible and enjoyable for both PC gamers and console enthusiasts without compromising in either respect.

True Meaning: We've wised up to the fact that even a half-assed console game will sell approximately seven billion million and one more units than the best-selling PC game in history. With phat bling bling money ciz-a$h as our guiding principle, you can sleep easy in the knowledge that we're making a mediocre console title and then shoehorning that into a truly abysmal PC version in hopes of retaining some shred of credibility. But don't worry super sleuths! A cursory review of any of the game's .ini files will expose our cunning scheme, so just think of this as a pre-ported console game for which we've exploited a once proud PC pedigree.

(indecipherable yelling as eight heroes stand still in an ankle-deep wavepool)

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.