Thursday, June 23, 2016

Relationship Thursday [Commitments]

Hola! Everybody...
I’m reposting the following, a piece I wrote several years ago. It is really
two posts made into one. It’s part of a series I wrote about commitments. This
post will give you a headache if you’re overly attached to your way of
thinking. LOL!

The Mirror

In
our lives we make conscious commitments and they exert a tremendous amount of
power over our lives. Of equal importance (maybe even more important) is the
power of our unconscious commitments.

What
is an unconscious commitment? The way I look at it, an unconscious commitment
is an interpretation of reality that is created in early childhood. Whatever we
experience in our early years has a huge impact on the types of relationships
we seek out as adults. This can be problematic if we are seeking from a foundation
based on fear, betrayal, and abandonment.

It
is easier to blame our relationship problems on factors outside of ourselves:
“He doesn’t listen,” “She nags too much,” etc. In addition, when these patterns
appear repeatedly, it is even more tempting to place blame. It follows then
that the first step in uncovering our unconscious commitments is to
begin to become accountable for our unhappy relationships. At first,
this may seem counter intuitive, but the first step to untangling our
unconscious commitments is to become aware of them. This takes a certain amount
of courage and a lot of love. This isn’t about blaming. Nothing
good ever comes from blame. Much of the inner work involves developing
compassion.

The
second part of uncovering your unconscious commitments is by paying close
attention to your habitual complaints. Drs. Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, in their
work with over 20,000 clients, have discovered that what people most often
complain about in intimate relationships is identical to their unconscious
commitments. For example, let’s say that your number one complaint about past
relationships is that your partner(s) were always criticizing you. It may be
likely that you are unconsciously committed to bringing critical people into
your life (again, I must stress this is not about blaming yourself or anyone
else).

Another
issue is that unconscious commitments are so powerful that partners can
unconsciously notice them and begin to act in ways that will supply what their
partner is unconsciously asking for. Have you ever experienced saying to
yourself, “Dang, I wasn’t a particularly critical person until I got into this
relationship, and yet here I am a full-fledged nag.”

Try
this: each time you catch yourself complaining about something, use it as an
opportunity to reclaim the power of one of your unconscious commitments. If you
can catch yourself in the act of complaining, try to turn it around and ask,
“Why would I be unconsciously committed to that?”

It
is in the very act of questioning why you might be unconsciously committed to
the things you have been complaining about that the real work is done. Katie
Byron, creator of“The Work,” has a very powerful technique for uncovering and
diffusing our unconscious commitments. The Hendricks also have aguided reflection that helps in this area. I have used a
combination of both in my own work with people that I have found very useful. I
will share that some other time.

For
now, try the following:

Your
first task: Discover what you complain about.

If
you want to stop your unconscious patterns cold, stop complaining. Put yourself
on a radical complaint-fast for one day: Don’t allow a single complaint out of
your mouth.

Then
go a second day, and a third.

Many years ago, I went on a complaining-fast, and
my old patterns started to drop away effortlessly. I soon found I could go days
and weeks without complaining about anything. Eventually my complaint-fast
stretched into years, and by then the miracles were unfolding so rapidly I
could scarcely believe it. The circumstances of my life improved so radically
that there was nothing to complain about.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Headlines

Support This Blog

Follow Me

About Me

My life experiences have led me to strive to help others move their lives in a positive direction, exploring opportunities that would otherwise be closed to them. I like to think I sit at the crossroads of the dialectic between knowledge and action. I hope that what transpires here is reflective of my beliefs.