Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to
be selected as a judge at a chili-cook-off. The original person called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table,
asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?

It could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

CHILI # 3
- FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting snockerd from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing

behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really
ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I
crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about

Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.

Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over

and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, I wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report *

_________________You can sing the praises of women all day long, but as long as you put a fertilized egg ahead of [their] welfare, you do not really care about them.-Dori 4/07