Alcholic In-Law Ruined My Marriage

My Father-In-Law is an alcoholic. I married my wife 18 years ago and since that time, especially when we started having kids, he has accumulated quite a list of alcohol-induced bad behavior. It has caused arguments between my wife and I over the years but we were always able to get through each one.

I love my wife with all of my heart. I can't imagine a future not shared with her. She has become a part of me. I think it's so stupid the Jerry McGuire thing - "You Complete Me". But I'm comfortable enough in my manhood to admit that I really, truly know what that means. I understand and that is exactly how I feel about my wife.

The last incident occurred about a year and a half ago. My kids were sleeping over at their house and long story short: He physically hurt my 8 year old. He verbally assaulted my boy using words you'd likely not hear in a bar...Very vile. He threatened to lock him in the crawl space for the night...He hurt him. My MIL was home and heard the whole thing yet she never thought to call us and tell us to come get them. We live no more than five minutes away. There's a lot more details and history and although relevant, not important right now.

After the incident my kids went to counseling for about 6 months. We all did actually. My 8 year old kept having nightmares about Grandpa chasing him with a knife and stuff like that. My wife and I agreed neither grandparent would have the right to see our boys ever again. This was the final straw, etc.

Throughout counseling my wife and I eventually landed on the idea of letting them have a chance at getting back into the kids life if they met certain conditions. We decided that if my FIL attended AA and accumulated 1 year of sobriety which could be verified by a sponsor or something, and my MIL attended 1 year of meetings, they'd be able to slowly be a part of their lives - watch them grow up.

It's been 18 months and neither have taken any steps. The best my FIL will offer is that he won't drink when the boys are around. They have begun calling our house, which was one of the things they are not allowed to do in case the boys answer. I should mention that I haven't had contact with either of them since this happened. Except for a very threatening phone call on my part when I learned what happened. But my wife has. She visits them probably once a month. Well, now she is feeling guilty about the whole thing. Her siblings and mother are now focusing on me and not the FIL who caused all this. They are telling my wife she cant be happy because I am the one causing stress in their family ( Not attending parties when they are there, etc.) I think my wife is carrying some guilt about keeping the kids from her father too. It's subtle but i can tell.

Quite honestly, Im afraid that if I saw him, there would be a good chance I would hit him. Maybe even kill the guy. He hurt my kids. I can't find any place in my heart or soul to forgive that. I just can't.

Where I'm at now:

I don't want them involved in my, or my kids life, ever again. I don't want to hear about them and I don't want to know what is going on in their life. I have put up with this for 18 years and have nothing left for them. The thing is that now, when I make love to my wife, I'll see her Mothers likeness for a split second. When she laughs, I'll see the resemblance she has to her father. When she displays habits (like always being late) that they are famous for, it is a huge turnoff. When she does anything really, I somehow tend to connect her to them. I even feel anger towards her even though I know none of this is her fault. I am slowly starting to feel like I can't be in the same room with her because all I can think about is her family and what happened.

My heart is broken because I feel the only way I'll be able to rid myself of her family is to rid myself of her. That means living an 'incomplete' life. That means causing my kids, who have already been hurt, more hurt. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I have to leave her. My soul feels crushed. I love her...I love my family. I love that she is the mom to my boys.

I really feel like its too late.

In closing, I guess I just needed to say this all out loud. I know some will make fun, some will laugh, some will offer advice, and most won't read. This was therapy for me and that is all...

You wrote a very compassionate and eloquent post.I think you should have your wife read it and then tell her the ball is in her court.

The safety of your children comes first.You should ask them how they feel about it. If they are fearful of him hurting them, don't let them go.If your wife tries to force the situation then it's obvious where her loyalties lie.

If it comes down to where you feel you must allow the kids to go there, I would pull FIL aside and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will beat the living shit out of him if anything further happens to your children.

I come from an alcoholic family, it is hard no doubt about that, but you need to understand alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer or epilepsy or dementia, would you really break - up your family over a disease?

You both need help, are you going to Al-Anon or Adult children of Alcoholics meetings????

You need support, prayer, and patience....don't break up your family over this.....

You wrote a very compassionate and eloquent post.I think you should have your wife read it and then tell her the ball is in her court.

The safety of your children comes first.You should ask them how they feel about it. If they are fearful of him hurting them, don't let them go.If your wife tries to force the situation then it's obvious where her loyalties lie.

If it comes down to where you feel you must allow the kids to go there, I would pull FIL aside and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will beat the living shit out of him if anything further happens to your children.

I come from an alcoholic family, it is hard no doubt about that, but you need to understand alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer or epilepsy or dementia, would you really break - up your family over a disease?

You both need help, are you going to Al-Anon or Adult children of Alcoholics meetings????

You need support, prayer, and patience....don't break up your family over this.....

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 6038128

I don't buy that disease crap.It is a lack of self control.It is given the title "disease" to free people from responsibility for their actions.

In addition, my father made our home life miserable growing up with his alcoholism especially around the holidays, he called me my mom brothers every name in the book and then some....I watched him grow old with much regret as the alcohol took a toll on his health, but I learned to forgive him, I knew deep down he was a good man with a terrible disease...He has passed on now, but forgiveness makes your life much better and helps the alcoholic as well....

I come from an alcoholic family, it is hard no doubt about that, but you need to understand alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer or epilepsy or dementia, would you really break - up your family over a disease?

You both need help, are you going to Al-Anon or Adult children of Alcoholics meetings????

You need support, prayer, and patience....don't break up your family over this.....

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 6038128

I don't buy that disease crap.It is a lack of self control.It is given the title "disease" to free people from responsibility for their actions.

You believe whatever you wish.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 22596999

You are wrong.....I have a great deal of knowledge concerning alcohol addiction....

You are so good to protect your children from him. Don't give in to them, because he could be harboring resentment against you now and seriously harm or kill them just to spite you. Haven't we all heard news stories of that very thing happening. Protect your children and don't give in, don't let your guard down.

You wrote a very compassionate and eloquent post.I think you should have your wife read it and then tell her the ball is in her court.

The safety of your children comes first.You should ask them how they feel about it. If they are fearful of him hurting them, don't let them go.If your wife tries to force the situation then it's obvious where her loyalties lie.

If it comes down to where you feel you must allow the kids to go there, I would pull FIL aside and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will beat the living shit out of him if anything further happens to your children.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 22596999

Excellent answer. OP, I came from one of those families. Your doing the right thing. Immediate family first. Always.

GO to ONE of these 'parties' and stay GLUED to FIL's side, all the time !

Suggest to the children that they stay out of Grandpa's reach, if possible. If he touches, abuses them, it would be GOOD vfor the wife to SEE IT and understand what YOU are feeling. Could cause a change in her outlook.

I'd like to point out that since the FIL is an alcoholic, he CANNOT BE TRUSTED to keep his word about not drinking around the kids. Period. You cannot trust a drunk not to drink. That alcoholic mind of his will whisper all sorts of justifications that will convince him that it would be perfectly okay to have "just a little," while your kids are there. And MIL will not protect your children....

You wrote a very compassionate and eloquent post.I think you should have your wife read it and then tell her the ball is in her court.

The safety of your children comes first.You should ask them how they feel about it. If they are fearful of him hurting them, don't let them go.If your wife tries to force the situation then it's obvious where her loyalties lie.

If it comes down to where you feel you must allow the kids to go there, I would pull FIL aside and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will beat the living shit out of him if anything further happens to your children.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 22596999

Thank You! I think I may just do that. I don't have many options left.

I come from an alcoholic family, it is hard no doubt about that, but you need to understand alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer or epilepsy or dementia, would you really break - up your family over a disease?

You both need help, are you going to Al-Anon or Adult children of Alcoholics meetings????

You need support, prayer, and patience....don't break up your family over this.....

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 6038128

I understand the disease part which is why we gave him the opportunity to get sober and redeem himself and be reintroduced into the kids lives. We understand that somewhere beneath the alcohol is a hurting man.And yes, my wife has attended Al-Anon for years. I have read books and talked with her. Perhaps I need to attend some meetings too. I'm willing to try.

Wow, OP. I really feel for you. So much of what you said is very like what I'm going through in my own marriage with my own in-law, only thankfully she hasn't had the opportunity to come close to messing with my kids. I wish I had the perfect advice, but I don't. Like a previous poster said, the ball really is in your wife's court I'm afraid. Who is she "married" to -- you or her family? She is the one that needs to decide that. Sadly, I would worry about her getting custody if you were to part ways with her. At the very least, I wouldn't make any quick moves or decisions, and maybe start documenting stuff? Keep a diary of sorts. That way if it ever does progress to divorce court, you have something to back you up regarding custody and who is/isn't allowed to see your kids. I understand why they call alcoholism a disease, as it does change your brain, but we have the ability to be consciously aware it has changed our brain. And we can consciously decide we're going to train our brains to function again without the alcohol. If FIL really wanted to free himself of it, he could. It wouldn't be easy, but he could do it. What he did to your kid... there's no undo button. You are doing the right thing. That man should be nowhere NEAR your kids until he is sober. Your kids are more important than anything. Your wife needs to realize YOU are her family now, not her parents. I wish you the best, I really do. But do consider starting to keep tabs of things or write stuff down while it's still fresh, just in case. Good luck, OP.

In addition, my father made our home life miserable growing up with his alcoholism especially around the holidays, he called me my mom brothers every name in the book and then some....I watched him grow old with much regret as the alcohol took a toll on his health, but I learned to forgive him, I knew deep down he was a good man with a terrible disease...He has passed on now, but forgiveness makes your life much better and helps the alcoholic as well....

My Father-In-Law is an alcoholic. I married my wife 18 years ago and since that time, especially when we started having kids, he has accumulated quite a list of alcohol-induced bad behavior. It has caused arguments between my wife and I over the years but we were always able to get through each one.

I love my wife with all of my heart. I can't imagine a future not shared with her. She has become a part of me. I think it's so stupid the Jerry McGuire thing - "You Complete Me". But I'm comfortable enough in my manhood to admit that I really, truly know what that means. I understand and that is exactly how I feel about my wife.

The last incident occurred about a year and a half ago. My kids were sleeping over at their house and long story short: He physically hurt my 8 year old. He verbally assaulted my boy using words you'd likely not hear in a bar...Very vile. He threatened to lock him in the crawl space for the night...He hurt him. My MIL was home and heard the whole thing yet she never thought to call us and tell us to come get them. We live no more than five minutes away. There's a lot more details and history and although relevant, not important right now.

After the incident my kids went to counseling for about 6 months. We all did actually. My 8 year old kept having nightmares about Grandpa chasing him with a knife and stuff like that. My wife and I agreed neither grandparent would have the right to see our boys ever again. This was the final straw, etc.

Throughout counseling my wife and I eventually landed on the idea of letting them have a chance at getting back into the kids life if they met certain conditions. We decided that if my FIL attended AA and accumulated 1 year of sobriety which could be verified by a sponsor or something, and my MIL attended 1 year of meetings, they'd be able to slowly be a part of their lives - watch them grow up.

It's been 18 months and neither have taken any steps. The best my FIL will offer is that he won't drink when the boys are around. They have begun calling our house, which was one of the things they are not allowed to do in case the boys answer. I should mention that I haven't had contact with either of them since this happened. Except for a very threatening phone call on my part when I learned what happened. But my wife has. She visits them probably once a month. Well, now she is feeling guilty about the whole thing. Her siblings and mother are now focusing on me and not the FIL who caused all this. They are telling my wife she cant be happy because I am the one causing stress in their family ( Not attending parties when they are there, etc.) I think my wife is carrying some guilt about keeping the kids from her father too. It's subtle but i can tell.

Quite honestly, Im afraid that if I saw him, there would be a good chance I would hit him. Maybe even kill the guy. He hurt my kids. I can't find any place in my heart or soul to forgive that. I just can't.

Where I'm at now:

I don't want them involved in my, or my kids life, ever again. I don't want to hear about them and I don't want to know what is going on in their life. I have put up with this for 18 years and have nothing left for them. The thing is that now, when I make love to my wife, I'll see her Mothers likeness for a split second. When she laughs, I'll see the resemblance she has to her father. When she displays habits (like always being late) that they are famous for, it is a huge turnoff. When she does anything really, I somehow tend to connect her to them. I even feel anger towards her even though I know none of this is her fault. I am slowly starting to feel like I can't be in the same room with her because all I can think about is her family and what happened.

My heart is broken because I feel the only way I'll be able to rid myself of her family is to rid myself of her. That means living an 'incomplete' life. That means causing my kids, who have already been hurt, more hurt. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I have to leave her. My soul feels crushed. I love her...I love my family. I love that she is the mom to my boys.

I really feel like its too late.

In closing, I guess I just needed to say this all out loud. I know some will make fun, some will laugh, some will offer advice, and most won't read. This was therapy for me and that is all...

Quoting: Cant help it! 21283351

May I suggest slipping something into his drink, acting like a soothing husband at the funeral and then living happy ever after....P.S. There are numerous plants that are deadly and untraceable. Just a thought.

I won't make fun, OP, because except for a few small variations, this is similar to what happened to my marriage. That ended in divorce. I hope yours ends happier. Maybe you and your wife should go to counseling, as well, just to talk it out in front of each other in a neutral setting.

Wow, OP. I really feel for you. So much of what you said is very like what I'm going through in my own marriage with my own in-law, only thankfully she hasn't had the opportunity to come close to messing with my kids. I wish I had the perfect advice, but I don't. Like a previous poster said, the ball really is in your wife's court I'm afraid. Who is she "married" to -- you or her family? She is the one that needs to decide that. Sadly, I would worry about her getting custody if you were to part ways with her. At the very least, I wouldn't make any quick moves or decisions, and maybe start documenting stuff? Keep a diary of sorts. That way if it ever does progress to divorce court, you have something to back you up regarding custody and who is/isn't allowed to see your kids. I understand why they call alcoholism a disease, as it does change your brain, but we have the ability to be consciously aware it has changed our brain. And we can consciously decide we're going to train our brains to function again without the alcohol. If FIL really wanted to free himself of it, he could. It wouldn't be easy, but he could do it. What he did to your kid... there's no undo button. You are doing the right thing. That man should be nowhere NEAR your kids until he is sober. Your kids are more important than anything. Your wife needs to realize YOU are her family now, not her parents. I wish you the best, I really do. But do consider starting to keep tabs of things or write stuff down while it's still fresh, just in case. Good luck, OP.

Quoting: Gratia Plena

Thanks a lot - Great advice! Sorry you are going through your stuff too.

May I suggest slipping something into his drink, acting like a soothing husband at the funeral and then living happy ever after....P.S. There are numerous plants that are deadly and untraceable. Just a thought.

Ha! Believe me - I've had plenty of fantasies that go in that direction!