All New Year’s resolutions broken

Statisticians from the Nathaniel Dubbles Center for Inquiry have concluded that 100 percent of New Year’s resolutions have already been broken, with the nation’s 240 million cognizant adults swearing that they’ll try again next year.

The majority of resolutions were broken in the hours of the first morning of 2015, when people all across the country woke up grouchy and achey — and in serious need of whatever they had sworn off the night before.

On Jan. 13, Simona Kalani, a Honolulu-area stylist, effectively became the last person to break her resolution when she devoured a dozen maple-bacon donuts from Pop Pop Donuts, in spite of her promise to give up sugar and fat in order to lose 15 pounds before her March wedding.

She was the last American known to be holding out.

Experts say that it is nearly impossible to stick to resolutions, particularly those that require you to do — or not do — something. They advise people to instead make “nano resolutions,” which over a lifetime can add up to one whole resolution. For example, by vowing to take a few paces every day, after 30 or 40 years a person can easily be said to have completed a full marathon.

“The truth is, you’ll never be able to suddenly give up drinking vodka with your morning coffee, if that’s your thing,” said Gus Vanderhosen, a psychologist who specializes in promoting acceptance of bad habits. “However, if you promise to drink your vodka in a different room every day, or while sitting in a different position, you can be quite successful.”

“And in a few years, you may find that you’re standing on your head in your freezing tool shed, making a huge mess as you try to ingest your morning kicker through your nostrils, and you’ll say to yourself, ‘Is this really worth it?’” Vanderhosen said. “And you’ll just stop.”