Turned On, Tuned In: Gettin’ Handsy with Hank

Editor’s Note: We here at FSR thought we should get a sex column, but it couldn’t just be any old, tired, worn-out, married for seventeen years and barely looking at each other while we brush our teeth and where did the love go sex column. It needed to be the best damned sex column on the face of the planet. And, of course, it had to involve film and television. Since no one that works (or contributes) to FSR has ever had sex, we had to turn to Bethany Perryman – a woman whose reputation and AdultFriendFinder profile precede her. Ladies and gentleman, every Monday, be prepared to fill or be filled.

What’s turning me on this week?

Wood, balls, and lots and lots of stroking. You guys have cable, right?

You guessed it, I’m talking about the Golf Channel. In the best show that you’re not watching, The Haney Project, golf coaching legend Hank Haney attempts to repair and perfect Charles “Sir Charles” Barkley’s shitty golf swing. How can this be sexy? Oh, it can. And it is.

I have to admit: at first, I didn’t think that anything on the Golf Channel, ever, had the capacity to be a turn-on. Golf is supposed to a middle-aged snore. But there are some choice elements that render The Haney Project worthy of my Stamp of Sexy. First, it’s certainly not difficult to find pro athletes attractive, even ones past their physical prime. Sir Charles is funny, too—the ultimate turn-on—as he can take a dig and dish a joke all with the same charming smile. The veritable pantheon of sports figures young and old that come out in support of Sir Charles doesn’t hurt either—I’m looking at you, Anthony Kim. And here I am, looking at you again, baby.

But here’s the real turn-on: here we have a man, by all accounts a giant of a man, that’s trying to better himself. He’s been laughed at for the better part of a decade for his highly recognizable, wholly terrible swing, and instead of backing down in the face of countless failures—Sir Charles is determined to prove to himself, his buddies, and the world that he can do much, much better. After watching several episodes, the feat seems quixotic—it’s painful to watch, more painful I’m sure for him to perform. But Sir Charles doesn’t give up. And that, sports fans, is just plain hot.

Especially when mixing metaphors, sports psychology has some great parallels to sex: my wingpeople often have to take one for the team—so that I can score, of course. And we’ve all fallen victim to the embarrassing technical foul. A good friend of mine recently struck out, even though he went for the Hail Mary (with, ironically, a girl named Mary who did, in fact, give him hell). But unlike my good buddy, Sir Charles is no rookie in sex, sports, or life—in fact, he was arrested on New Year’s Eve for drunkenly attempting to drive around a corner to get a second round of “the best blowjob he’d ever had in his life.” (via The Smoking Gun) Clearly his short game is not the problem.

There’s a lesson to be learned in all of this: set your DVR correctly. Because I am sadly missing episode two of The Haney Project—which, if it were an episode of Friends would be called “The One Where Sir Charles Has A Crappy Enough Golf Swing To Hilariously And Simultaneously Shank A Ball And Break His Club”. But there’s another, more universal lesson, too. And it’s this: no matter how well you can chip and pitch—it’s the long drive that needs the most work.

A lifetime of good sex is not a sprint, but a marathon—and in order to maintain, sometimes you’ve got to go to the tape, analyze your stroke, and work tirelessly towards a better tomorrow. (On the show, this is a segment of each episode that I personally like to call “Handsy with Haney”.) So take heart, all you down and out champions—you can take your Mulligan, adjust your stance, and regroup—and know that I’m rootin’ for you all the way.

Thanks for all of your questions this week; keep sending ‘em my way, and I’ll answer soon. And a special thanks to my readers in Iraq—aside from those colorful ideas that you sent me, let me know if there’s anything else I can do to Support Our Troops. This one’s for you, Steve J.

Need relationship advice? Too bad. Bethany is terrible at relationships. But if you need sex advice, feel free to send your questions to Bethany@filmschoolrejects.com. They might just embarrassingly be featured on the site!

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