Ugly. That’s all I can think to myself as I look in the mirror. I want to cry at the sight of myself, there was not even something the least bit pretty about me. Disappointment lingers all around me like a gray cloud, unsatisfying and never letting up. It consumes me daily, eating away all the pride I once had.

I never used to be this way, of course. I was happy with my life and even myself, but it took me hitting rock bottom to realize happiness never lasts forever. It’s only an illusion to keep ourselves from giving up. Well I gave up a long time ago on being happy. Because no matter how hard I tried, I could never get back the once feeling I had. The once upon a time, I was free.

I shake my head and take a deep breath as I count the calories in my head. 100, 200, 300. The realization makes me cringe with utter distaste as I immediately walk over to the toilet, lift the lid up, and open my mouth like I taught myself to do, and expertly stick my index finger deeply in mouth, my gag reflex working as my stomach churned and I felt the bile rise in my throat, before my mouth, and escaping as I let out disturbing noises, desperate to be rid of the substances insides. It’s almost an addiction, the constant need to surround myself with the substance, but I’m not addicted. Addiction is when you have no more control and can’t stop.

I do have control. I control what I eat, when I eat, and how much I eat. I control how many calories I consume, and if I go over what I want, I control the ability to get rid of it. I believe if I really wanted to, I could stop the madness inside. I can stop this nagging to be thin. But deep down I know I don’t want to stop. Because sadly, I knew this was the one thing I could be in control in. I was almost proud of myself, in a way I knew most would not understand. They don’t understand why I do this to myself. I’m not hurting myself, I’m merely making adjustments to be happy with myself, that’s what we do right? They say there always room for improvement.

I continue my ritual purging until my throat feels raw, I look inside, seeing faint streams of crimson, knowing I had emptied everything out. I feel slightly better about this and my stomach relaxes as I stand up and wipe the water that blurs my eyes as I flush the toilet, walking to the sink and washing my hands and face. Finishing by brushing my teeth and leaning against the counter as I look to my room, the hollow window barely letting light in, considering it was cloudy and bound to be rainy, the way it has been lately, the prelude of winter. I shiver from the cold and wrap my arms around myself, knowing it wasn’t the wind, it was my body. I’ve been told I’m losing all body heat, but I’ve come to ignore it, it’s not so bad. I look back to the mirror and still feel guilt inside myself. I can still hear my mother’s words ringing in my mind, the reason I suppose how this even started.

You’re pretty, but you’d be beautiful if you just lost a little weight.

The prom is coming up, you want to fit into that gorgeous dress don’t you?

I’m sure once you increase your activities, the weight will come right off.

I push those thoughts far away as possible and wonder if my mom could see me now. Would she like what she saw? I was certainly thinner than she would remember me. Would she be proud?

I shrug to myself before lying down on the cool soft bed and holding my hands above my head, I can see nothing but bone in my arms and fingers. They look so fragile, but I don’t mind. They almost make me smile, but I don’t smile. Because I know it won’t be enough, it might never be enough.

I close my eyes and put my hand on my heart, feeling it beat signifying I’m alive. Sometimes I don’t feel like it, but the beat of my heart assures me I am. I think it might’ve slowed down in the last couple of months, but I’m not sure.

Your heartbeat is weird. I remember him laughing as I smiled at him. His black hair shining in the sun, his icy blue eyes boring into mine as he looked at me. I could still remember the way he smelled, it was fresh almost like pine cones, a reminder of the snow that had fallen previously that day. ”Says the one who’s heart beats like a damn humming bird. I teased back as he smiled and shrugged before grabbing my hand and placing it on his heart, the steady thump, thump, thump, pumped against my hand.

”It beats that way because of you. he whispered to me as I felt my body flutter and smiled at him. Our lips touched, sending sparks through out me as I was in the arms of the boy I truly ever cared about. The boy I loved, and the boy I let go. Let him go because he couldn’t handle what I was doing, he didn’t understand either. I remember his expressions vividly as he began to notice I wasn’t eating as much. I would simply tell him my stomach was hurting, and for a while I would get away with it. But after time, I couldn’t hide behind my façade anymore. He would tell me I was starting to scare him, but I would assure him I was fine. There was nothing wrong with me, just changing a few things about myself, every girl did it right? Every girl feels pressure to fit it with the rest of them, it’s how it’s been for centuries.

It was up until the point when I had changed completely. I stopped getting the feeling of wanting to go out with friends, spend the summer afternoons at the mall or at the pool. I hated being in a bathing suit, I felt like everyone would stare at me, calling out all my imperfections, I had come to learn that, that wasn’t completely true. He said it was all in my head. He said I was worrying him more now. By the way I couldn’t concentrate on school, or I was starting to shiver randomly, even though it was warm out side. It hurt me to know I was hurting him, but he just didn’t understand why I do the things I do.

And because he tried to help me, save me, keep me safe, I pushed him away. I isolated myself and others because I felt I could focus more if I was alone. No one was there to constantly watch over me like an infant, I was quite capable of taking care of my own. I do regret pushing him away like I did many times, until he couldn’t take it anymore.

He found me lying next to the toilet, the taunting toothbrush in my hand, gripped so tightly like a vice grip. He tried to pry it from me but I wouldn’t let him. I saw tears in his eyes, but the trance I was in made me disregard his emotions, much less my own. I was a daze, but I couldn’t let him stop me. I begged him to just leave me alone, I even fought him off. He kept saying how much he loved me, but I couldn’t say it back. It was when I yelled for him to leave me alone, he became silent. Everything slowed and he just shook his head at me. I looked the other way, evident I had something else to say to him, what could I say?

I really wish you could see how much you mean to me. I keep trying, but you don’t listen, so what’s the point? he whispered before taking my hand and kissing it. I watched him leave without another sound, not realizing that when he left, he would be gone forever…

I alienated everyone from life, because I thought perfection came at a price. I did what I needed to do be happy with myself because nothing else wasn’t. I chose to do this because it gives me some hope. Hope that comes rarely in a life like mine. You might call me crazy or psychotic, wondering if I won’t stop until I’m at absolute zero. I’m not crazy, it’s just part of life, and it’s part of me. You may not every understand, but it makes perfect sense to me.