Friday, November 9, 2012

LOOKING FOR FUNNY SAYINGS TO USE AS YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE? HERE ARE 40 TO GET YOU STARTED:

My FACEBOOK FANS posted an array of funny stuff in the last 8 days. Here's a sampling:

____ I couldn't get my fake scar tattoos off last night, so my roomate suggested alchohol. I drank a 12 pack and that STILL didn't help. (Lisa James)
____ You make a valid point, but there is a major flaw in your argument. You assume that I'm listening to you. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Christmas shopping done. I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads: "Sorry, the world was supposed to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!" (Donny Norris)
____ Take it from me, guys. The zoo is a really bad place to pick up cougars. I thought that one was flirting with me and now I'm missing most of a hand and bleeding a lot. (Jack Olivar)
____ If my girlfriend wakes up screaming from a nightmare, I like to pull the sheet over my face and whisper, "He's in the doorway..." (Mike Seriously)
____ "Just because it stretches...doesn't mean it fits" should be on the label of everything spandex. (Toni Daniels)
____ I want to go back in time. 30 minutes ago. When my 30 pack wasn't empty. Is it beer 30 yet/again? (Mustache Mann)
____ I swear my five-year-old son just repeats what he hears my wife say. Today, apparently, he's in a crap mood and on his period. (Danny Coleiro)
____ There's only one difference between when I see an ice cream truck or a police vehicle. The direction I run in. (King Julien)
____ Don't get pissed at me for drinking all your vodka. You were the one that said to make myself at home. (Jack Olivar)
____ If you can't beat them, make them hit themselves - because that shit's funny. (Lisa James)
____ If I have a problem, Yo! I'll solve it! Check out my radius while my compass revolves it. Math, math, Baby. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you are reading this it means we're now dating. Love you... (Chesty La Rue)
____ I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away...it tickles as I swallow it. (Jack Olivar)
____ I clicked my heels 3 times.. and I'm still at work. Whatthef*ck, Dorothy? (Toni Daniels)
____ I would like to say thank you to all the people here that make me laugh, but I am an a$$hole so I wont. (Mys ter E)
____ In case you are wondering how patient a person I am, I am standing here cursing at my soda to stop fizzing so I can finish pouring it. (Jack Olivar)
____ My daughter is at the age where she can start doing chores and suddenly this whole "having kids" thing makes a lot more sense. (Sean Shipley)
____ Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy. (Toni Daniels)
____ I wish I could go back in time, like the 50's...when girls didn't poop. (Jack Wagon)
____ If the first thing you see after you die is a handbasket, you're in trouble. (Randy Masters)
____ Due to the rising cost of ammunition, I will no longer be able to provide a Warning shot. Thanks for your understanding. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I must give proper respect and admiration to the ladies out there that realize that they don't have to dress slutty and talk dirty in order to attract a man. Good for you! Live your life with style and class. The rest of you, come with me. (Brandon Eaves)
____ Slaps count as human contact...right? (Donny Norris)
____ Every time I think my posts suck ... I just go read everyone else’s and then I feel much better. I'm kidding...I re-read my own, then throw myself into oncoming traffic. (Jack Wagon)
____ Men and women stalk differently. Men will drive by at night. Women will show up at your job and smash your stuff in front of everyone. (Mike Seriously)
____ Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I'd like to be one of those people that hands out water to passing runners at marathons. Except instead of water, it'd be confetti & as they poured it over their heads I'd scream "OMG! YOU WON!!!" Then we'd jump around & cheer & hug & by the time they realized the real race was over I'd have a new friend. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I never cease to amaze myself with just how below average I am. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ That annoying moment when two people start a conversation on YOUR Facebook status. (Shane M Aine)
____ Colorado just changed their state mascot from Cam the Ram to the Grateful Dead Dancing Bear. (Jack Wagon)
____ You can try all you like, but you'll never understand me. (I'm incoherent most of the time, and I have a tendency to mumble). (Danny Coleiro)
____ I didn't see one iPhone in Back to the Future Part II. I don't know what to believe in anymore. (Mike Seriously)
____ I don't know what all you parents are whining about. Getting my niece to shut up is easy, I just keep giving her cupcakes...oh look my sister is here to pick her up. (Jack Olivar)
____ O' Douls! 'Cause I don't wanna get drunk. I just want to smell that way. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ Give a man a fish & he has food for a day. Teach him how to fish, he'll go fishing for the weekends and you can spend them with your lover. (Nathan Drake)
____ If I caught my partner cheating I'd just walk straight out and never go back! Until I got tired and hungry. (Shabana Essack)
____ I just did a crossword puzzle cuz I was that desperate for sex. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole. (Ben Iz Bshop)