Wish I could whistle down the Northern Lights
And send them dancing all across the night
Maybe then when all the sky was blazing
Maybe then I'd feel you somewhere
Gazing at a star,
And you could feel me too
As I say goodbye to you

It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you

Wish time could turn us back to yesterday
The gods above would look the other way
Maybe then we still could laugh together
Maybe then it could be spring forever and a day
But I must face the truth and say goodbye to you
It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you

Wish I could whistle down the Northern Lights
And send them dancing all across the night
Maybe then in my memories for saving
One last time you're on the hill waving from afar
One last glance or two and I'll say goodbye to you
It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you

Part 4. "Part 4 is the segment where Carlin explains how the top 2% of the population ownes 98% of the wealth. That top 2% are the "Owners of the Country" They dont want you to see that part. Like putting a light on a cockroach. Not hard to figure out " what happened to part 4" the assholes that control everything dont want﻿ us to see it. teddyd30 (4 weeks ago) Show Hide +9 Marked as spam
Reply Where﻿ the hell is part 4? " From Comments

"There’s a reason that education sucks, and it’s the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It’s never going to get any better, don’t look for it. Be happy with what you’ve got. Because the owners of this country don’t want that. I’m talking about the real owners now, the big, wealthy, business interests that control all things and make the big decisions.

Forget the politicians, they’re irrelevant.

Politicians are put there to give you that idea that you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations, and they’ve long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the State Houses, and the City Halls. They’ve got the judges in their back pockets. And they own all the big media companies so they control just about all the news and information you get to hear.

They’ve got you by the balls.

They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want; they want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I’ll tell you what they don’t want—they don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them. That’s against their interest. You know something, they don’t want people that are smart enough to sit around their kitchen table and figure out how badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago.

They don’t want that, you know what they want?

They want obedient workers, obedient workers. People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork and just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it.

And now they’re coming for your social security money.

They want your fucking retirement money; they want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. And you know something? They’ll get it. They’ll get it all from you sooner or later because they own this fucking place. It’s a big club and you ain’t in it! You and I are not in the Big Club. By the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you in the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to believe, what to think and what to buy.

The table is tilted folks, the game is rigged.

Nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care. Good honest hard working people, white collar, blue collar, it doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good honest hard working people continue, these are people of modest means, continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about them. They don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t give a fuck about…give a fuck about you! They don’t care about you at all, at all, at all.

And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care.

That’s what the owners count on, the fact that Americans are and will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white, and blue dick that’s being jammed up their assholes everyday. Because the owners of this country know the truth, it’s called the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. "

"People walking around and all day long, every minute of the day - worried about EVERYTHING. Worried about the air, worried about the water, worried about the soil. Worried about insecticides, pesticides, food additives, carcinogens. Worried about radon gas. Worried about aspestos. Worried about saving "endangered species"... Let me tell ya about endangered species:

Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant attempt by humans to control nature. It's arrogant meddling - it's what got us in trouble in the first place. Doesn't anybody understand that? Interfering with nature. Over 90% of all the species that have EVER lived on this planet - EVER lived - are gone! They're exstinct - We didn't kill them all. They just disappeared... That's what nature does. They disappear these days at the rate of 25 per day, Regardless of our behaviour. Irrespective of how we act on this planet 25 species that are here today will be gone tomorrow. Let them go gracefully!

Leave nature alone. Haven't we done enough? We're so self-important. Everybody's gotta save something now... Save the bees! Save the trees! Save the whales... Save those snails. And the greatest arrogance of all... Save the planet?! WHAT? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet, we haven't learned to care one another and we're gonna save the fucking planet? I'm getting tired o' that shit. I'm tired of fucking Earth Day. I'm tired of these fucking self-righteous environmentalists.

Besides, environmentalist don't give a shit about the planet. They don't care about the planet. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live... Their own "Habitat". They're worried that someday in the future they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened, self-interest doesn't impress me... Besides there is nothing wrong with the planet.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked - difference. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. It's been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We've been here what a hundred thousand? MAYBE two hundred thousand? We've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little more than 200 years. 200 years versus 4 and a half billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat?!

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds o' things worse than us; been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drifts, solar flares, sun spots, megnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles, hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors. Worldwide floods. Tidal waves. Worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages and we think that some plastic bags... Some plastic bags and some alluminium cans are going to make a difference?

The planet isn't going anywhere... WE ARE. We're going away. Pack your shit folks. We're going away - and we won't leave much of a trace either, thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam - maybe. Planet'll be here and we'll be LONG gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake."

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the r

"Thank you, thank you, welcome to our show. Don't you think it's just a little bit strange that Ronald Reagan had an operation on his asshole and George Bush had an operation on his middle finger. Huh? Huh? What are these two men trying to tell us?
Now I'd like to begin tonight with an opening announcement: Because of the FCC, I'm never sure what it is I'm allowed to say. So..so, I now have my own official policy: This is the language you will not be hearing tonight. You will not hear me say: "bottom line", "game plan", "role model", "scenario", or "hopefully". I will not "kick back", "mellow out", or "be on a roll". I will not "go for it" and I will not "check it out"; I don't even know what it is. And when I leave here I definitely will not "boogie". I promise not to refer to anyone as a "class act", a "beautiful person", or а "happy camper". I will also not be saying "What a guy!".

And you will not hear me refer to anyone's "lifestyle". (If you want to know what a moronic word 'lifestyle' is, all you have to do is realize that in a technical sense, Attila the Hun had an "active outdoor lifestyle".)
I will also not be saying any "cute" things, like, "moi?".

" GEORGE CARLIN ON THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
from "Complaints and Grievances"
(HBO special)

Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there 10?

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here's what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I'll tell you why- because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.

Let's start with the first three:

I AM THE LORD THY GOD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord's name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we're down to 7. Next:

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn't be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't, period. You're down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're going to jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don't really need two you combine them and call the commandment "thou shalt not be dishonest". And suddenly you're down to 5.

And as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in the mind. But I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But, marital infidelity is a good idea so we're gonna keep this one and call it "thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly we're down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing "thou shalt always be honest and faithful" and we're down to 3.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR"S GOODS

This one is just plain fuckin' stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "o come o ye faithful", and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you're down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Cashmire, MiddleEast, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin' killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.

&

Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket. I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

I had kind of an interesting morning this morning. I call it 'interesting', I use that word because I don't have a 'nice' day anymore. Frankly, I don't bother with them. I feel as if I've outgrown the nice day. Let someone else have a few. I've had my share. Why should I be hogging all the really nice ones? So I feel I'm beyond the nice day now. 'Course people still want me to have one. Everybody wants me to have a nice day. "Have a nice day!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you give me my ******' change, please!" Some people are really insistent- "I said have a nice day!"
"Okay, okay goddammit, all right!" That's the trouble with 'have a nice day'; it puts all the pressure on you. Now you've gotta go out and somehow manage to have a good time. All because of some loose lipped cashier. 'Have a nice day'...Maybe I don't feel like having a nice day. Maybe, just maybe, I've had 63 nice days in a row. And, by God, I'm ready for a crappy day. Let someone wish me a crappy day. I never hear that. "Have a crappy day!" That's no problem at all. All you have to do is get up some mornings. There's no planning involved.

Y'know the trouble with that 'nice day' stuff for me is that word 'nice'. It's just such a soft, kinda flabby word. There's no character to it. 'Nice'..."Isn't he 'nice'? Oh, he is so 'nice'! And she's 'nice', too! Isn't that 'nice'?" It's like 'fine'. "How are ya?" "Fine." BULLSHIT! Nobody's 'fine'. Hair is fine. "How's your hair?" "Fine!" That makes a lot more sense to me. Some guys are 'great'. Y'ever hear that? How are ya? "Great! This is great! Goddamn! This is great! Look! They're gonna kill that guy! Isn't that great?"
Not me. I'm not nice, I'm not fine, I'm not great. People ask me how I am, I say, "I'm fairly decent." No superlatives. Nothing to gossip about. I say,"I'm relatively okay." Or 'moderately neato'. Then they have to ask their children how I am. If I'm in a particularly jaunty mood, I'll look them right in the eye and say, "I'm not unwell, thank you." Which pisses them off 'cause they have to figure that one out for themselves. But anyway...

Got into an argument this morning with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard- "Snap, Crackle, **** Him". I don't know which one of them said it, y'know. I was reaching for the artificial sweetener at the time and was not looking directly into the bowl. But I told them, I said, "Well, you can all just sit right there in the milk. Far as I'm concerned you can sit in the milk until I find out which one of you said that." A little mass punishment for my breakfast food. The idea is to turn them against one another. "Just sit in the milk!" Of course, dopey me, big punishment! That's what they do anyway. That's their job. Sitting in the milk. You've seen those Rice Krispies floating along. Little beige blisters of air...riding proudly in the milk. But you can't sink 'em. They oughta use 'em in life jackets; that's where they need 'em. You can't sink Rice Krispies. They float for a long long time. Rice Krispies would float for a week if you leave the dishes out...I do. Rice Krispies would float until you've gotta knock 'em off the side of the bowl. (chipping sounds) "What're you doing?" "Washing the dishes!" (chipping sounds) D'ja ever notice that the Rice Krispies highest on the bowl dry first? It's because they're closer to the sun. Isn't that interesting? Yes, there is a little science in the show each and every evening. But those Rice Krispies will float forever-well, you know what they do? They gather together. They gather together in little groups. Little groups of eight, ten, twelve, sometimes fourteen, but always an even number. Little colonies of Rice Krispies. But you can't sink 'em. You try to sink 'em with a spoon, they come up over the side. That's what the fruit is for. Sinking the Rice Krispies. A good size peach will take down eighty or ninety of 'em every time. If I'm really pissed, I'll drop a watermelon on 'em!
_______________________

"...To my way of thinking there are really only three sports: baseball, basketball, and football. Everything else is either a game or an activity.

Hockey comes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. It's not. Hockey is three activities taking place at the same time: ice skating, fooling around with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody. If these guys had more brains then teeth, they'd do these things one at a time. First go ice-skating, then fool around with a puck, then you go to the bar and beat the shit out of somebody. The day would last longer, and these guys would have a lot more fun. Another reason why hockey isn't a sport is that it's not played with a ball. Anything not played with a ball can't be a sport. These are my rules, I make 'em up.

Soccer. Soccer is not a sport because you can't use your arms. Anything where you can't use your arms can't be a sport. Tap dancing isn't a sport. I rest my case.

Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn't a sport because anybody can do it. I can run, you can run. For Christ sakes, my mother can run! You don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?

Swimming. Swimming isn't a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense. Sailing isn't a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding the bus isn't a sport, why the fuck should sailing be a sport?

Boxing is not a sport either. Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody. In that respect, boxing is actually a more sophisticated way of hockey. In spite of what the police tell you, beating the shit out of somebody is not a sport. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine, then boxing can be a sport.

Bowling. Bowling isn't a sport because you have to rent shoes. Don't forget, these are my rules. I make 'em up.

Billiards. Some people think billiards is a sport, but it can't be, because there's no chance of serious injury. Unless, of course, you welch on a bet in a tough neighborhood. Then, if you wind up with a pool cue stickin' out of your ass, you know you might be the victim of a sports-related injury. But that ain't billiards, that's pool, and that starts with a P, and that rhymes with D, and that brings me to darts.

Darts could have been a sport, because at least there's a chance to put someone's eye out. But, alas, darts will never be a sport, because the whole object of the game is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic.

Lacrosse is not a sport; lacrosse is a faggoty college activity. I don't care how rough it is, anytime you're running around a field, waving a stick with a little net on the end of it, you're engaged in a faggoty college activity. Period.

Field hockey and fencing. Same thing. Faggoty college shit. Also these activities aren't sports, because you can't gamble on them. Anything you can't gamble on can't be a sport. When was the last time you made a fuckin' fencing bet?

Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it. It took me a long time to come up with that rule, but goddammit, I did it.

Polo isn't a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. Without holes. It's a great concept, but not a sport. And as far as water polo is concerned, I hesitate to even mention it, because it's extremely cruel to horses.

Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer. The only good thing about hunting is the many fatal accidents on the weekends. And, of course, the permanently disfigured hunters who survive such accidents.

Then you have tennis. Tennis is very trendy and very fruity, but it's not a sport. It's just a way to meet other trendy fruits. Technically, tennis is an advanced form a Ping-Pong. In fact, tennis is Ping-Pong played while standing on the table. Great concept, not a sport.

In fact, all racket games are nothing more the derivatives of Ping-Pong. Even volleyball is, technically, racketless, team Ping-Pong played with an inflated ball and raised net while standing on the table.

And finally welcome to golf. For my full take on golf, I refer you elsewhere in the book, but let it just be said golf is a game that might possibly be fun, if it could be played alone. But it's the vacuous, striving, superficial, male-bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes it such a repulsive pastime. And it is decidedly not a sport. Period. "

" Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to **** in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked.

Conservatives don't give a **** about you until you reach 'military age'. Then they think you are just fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life...pro-life... These people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it? They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women.They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state.

Pro-life... You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you won't see a lot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. You know, morally committed religious people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration, didn't they? They knew how to put on a ******* protest. Light yourself on FIRE! C'mon, you moral crusaders, let's see a little smoke. To match that fire in your belly.

Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the **** out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen. 'Cuz chickens are decent people.

But let's get back to this abortion ****. Now, is a fetus a human being? This seems to be the central question. Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn't count them? If a fetus is a human being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come people say 'we have two children and one on the way' instead of saying 'we have three children?' People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. Continuous, just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling, rolling along.

And say you know something? Listen, you can go back further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Hah? Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-abortion arguments. See, the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man says 'Gee, honey, I was going to pull out but the phone rang and it startled me.' Fertilization.

But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty percent of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who's had more than more than one period is a serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if they really want to get serious, what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned man, one of these pro-life guys who's watching cums in his pants, huh? Here's a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinnies and Debbies and nobody's saying a word to the guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name.

Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?! Leave these ******* people alone, for Chrissakes! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside! You'd think they'd make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics, when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York and some of these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and they've raised a couple of children on minimum wage, then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting. Enlightening, too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said 'Suffer the little children come unto me', that's not what he was talking about!

So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I say 'Hey. Hey. If you think a fetus is more important that a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the **** stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no pension.' I tell them 'Think of an abortion as term limits. That's all it is. Biological term limits.' "

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do.
And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

What year did Jesus think it was?

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

“No comment” is a comment.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

You can’t argue with a good blowjob.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

Hooray for most things!

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Life is a zero sum game.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

On Death:"...Sooner or later someone is bound to say the following... especially after a few drinks, 'you know, I think he's up there now, smiling down at us and I think he's pleased.' Now, first of all, there is no 'up there' for people to be smiling down from. It's poetic, it's quaint, and I guess for superstitious people it provides a little comfort, but it doesn't exist. But if it did, and someone survived death in a celestial form, I personally think he'd be far too busy with other activities then to be standing around in paradise smiling down. What kind of a fucking eternity is that... Why is it that nobody says 'I think he's down there now, smiling up at us.' Apparently it never occurs to anyone that there loved ones could be in hell. Your parents could be in hell right now... your father for sure. Hell is full of dads. ,,,"

And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way"

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!

* "I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

* "Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

* "And Edwin Meese alone has been investigated by three separate Special Prosecutors, and there's a fourth one waiting for him in Washington right now. Three separate Special Prosecutors have had to look into the activies of the Attorney General. And the Attorney General is the nation's leading law enforcement officer!"

* "[The Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime providing that street isn't Wall Street."

* "How to get rid of counterfeit money? Put it in the collection plate at church!"

* "Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen, 'cause chickens are decent people."

* "Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason."

* "'Happens to be.' 'He happens to be black.' Like it's a fucking accident, you know. He happens to be black? Yes, he happens to be black. Ah, yes, yes, yes. He had two black parents? Oh, yes, that's right, two black parents. And they fucked? Oh, indeed they did. So where does the surprise part come in? I would think it would be more unusual if he just happened to be Scandinavian!"

* "No one is 'openly' black. Well, maybe James Brown. Or Louis Farrakhan. Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black. Colin Powell is openly white. He just happens to be black."

* "Whoever coined the term 'Let the Buyer Beware' was probably bleeding from the asshole."

* "Here's another bunch of ignorant shit: school uniforms. Bad theory. The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school it helps keep order. Don't these schools do enough damage makin' all these kids think alike? Now they're gonna make them look alike too? And it's not a new idea. I first saw it in news reels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand 'cause the narration was in German."

* "Religion has actually conviced people that there's an invisible man. Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day of your life. And he has a list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any, any, of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and ash and torture where he will send you to suffer and burn and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time. ... But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money."

* "Names are an interest of mine. Not a hobby; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free."

* "Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: 'We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.'"

* "So what if some civilian contractor from Oklahoma gets his head cut off in Iraq, fuck him! If you don't want to get your head cut off, stay the fuck in Oklahoma! But if you're going to go into someone else's country carrying a weapon, you better expect some fucking action!"

* "One guy, about a month ago, was given three consecutive life terms, plus two death penalties. How the fuck do you serve that? Even David Copperfield can't do that shit. In order to do that, you'd have to be a Hindu."

* "I'm not giving anything back to the community. You know why? Because I didn't take nothing. You can search my fucking house."

* "This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other and one of them says, 'Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died.' 'Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday.' 'Yeah, didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow down his cancer. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's Death, how, do you live with yourself?'"

* "Every child is clearly not special."

* "Raising a child is not difficult, you just have to follow the steps. Step One: you take the kid, and you put him on the street corner, and you leave him there. Come back a week later, if the kid's still there, ya got yourself a stupid fucking kid. And then you proceed from that point."

* "I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm!"

* "I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to."

* "For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label."

* "When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts...Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend."

* "Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time."

* "Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

* "You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up."

* "Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out."

* "This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? 'YOU GIVE US A COLOR, WE'LL WIPE IT OUT.'"

* "Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money."

* "In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

* "Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers."

* "I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it."

* "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

" The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."

* "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

* "I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious."

* "I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

* "Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

* "Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself."

* "The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."

* "A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt."

* "As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is."

* "The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."

* "Ya ever notice who it is, got to think who it is we kill? It's always people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon - they all said, 'Try to live together peacefully.'"

* "There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."

* "When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"

* "I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."

* "If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work."

* "Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

* "Nobody 'owns' anything. When you die, it all stays here."

* "The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

* "The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"

* "One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired."

George Carlin: It's the first war we ever had that was on every channel, plus cable.

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George Carlin: This country has only been around for 200 years, and we've already had 10 major wars. We average a major war every 20 years in this country. So we're good at it.

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[on the airport announcements]
George Carlin: About this time, someone is telling you to get on the plane. "Get on the plane. Get on the plane." I say, "fuck you, I'm getting IN the plane! IN the plane! Let Evil Knievel get ON the plane! I'll be in here with you folks in uniform! There seems to be less WIND in here!"

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[on airline announcements]
George Carlin: "In the unlikely event..." This is a very suspect phrase, especially coming, as it does, from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times. "In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure..." ROOF FLIES OFF! "An oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally." Well, I have no problem with that. I always breathe normally when I'm in a 600 mile-an-hour uncontrolled vertical dive. I also SHIT normally! RIGHT IN MY PANTS!

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George Carlin: The next sentence I hear is full of things that piss me off. "Before leaving the aircraft, please check around your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might have brought on board." Well, let's start with "immediate seating area." SEAT! It's a god damn seat! Check around your seat! "For any personal belongings..." Well, what other kinds of belongings are there besides personal? PUBLIC belongings? Do these people honestly believe I might be traveling with a fountain I stole from the park? "... you might have brought on board." Well... I MIGHT have brought my arrowhead collection! I didn't. SO I'M NOT GOING TO LOOK FOR IT! I'm going to look for things I BROUGHT on board! It would seem to increase the likelihood of my finding something, wouldn't you say?

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George Carlin: Here's one they just made up: "near miss". When two planes almost collide, they call it a near miss. It's a near hit. A collision is a near miss!

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George Carlin: People add words when they want things to sound more important than they really are. "Boarding process." Sounds important; it isn't. It's just a bunch of people getting on an airplane! People like to sound important. Weathermen on television talk about "shower activity". Sounds more important than "showers." I even heard one guy on CNN talk about a "rain event".
[laughter]
George Carlin: I swear to God, he said, "Louisiana is expecting a rain event." And I thought, "Holy shit, I hope I can get tickets to that!"

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George Carlin: They tell you to locate your nearest emergency exit. I do this immediately!
[mimes looking for the exit]
George Carlin: I locate my nearest emergency exit, and then I plan my route. You have to plan your route. It's not always a straight line, is it? Sometimes there's a really big fat fuck sitting right in front of you. Well, you know you'll never get over him. I look around for women and children, midgets and dwarves, cripples, war widows, paralyzed veterans, people with broken legs, anybody who looks like they can't move too well; the emotionally disturbed come in VERY handy at a time like this. You might have to go out of your way to find these people, but you'll get out of the plane a lot God damn quicker, believe me. I say, "Let's see... I'll go around the fat fuck... step on the widow's head... push those children out of the way... knock down the paralyzed midget, and get out of the plane where I can help others."
[laughter]
George Carlin: I can be of no help to anyone if I'm lying unconscious in the aisle with some big cocksucker standing on my head. I must get out of the plane, go to a nearby farmhouse, have a Dr. Pepper, and call the police.

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George Carlin: Have you ever been talking to yourself, and someone else enters the room, and you have to make believe you were singing?
[Laughter]
George Carlin: And you hope to God the other person REALLY believes there's a song called "What Does She Think I Am, Some Kind of Putz"?
[Laughter]

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George Carlin: As soon as they close the door to the aircraft, that's when they begin the Safety Lecture. I love the safety lecture! This is my favorite part of the airplane ride! I listen very carefully to the safety lecture, especially that part where they teach us how to use the seatbelts! Imagine this: here we are, a plane full of grown human beings... many of us partially educated, and they're actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle!

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George Carlin: [on flight attendants] Sometimes, they actually refer to these people as "uniformed crewmembers". Ah, uniformed, as opposed to the guy sitting next to me in the Grateful Dead t-shirt and the Fuck You hat... who's working on his ninth little bottle of Kahlua, I might add.

'...America and war….
It’s the old American double standard, you know, say one thing, do something different. And, of course, the country is founded on the double standard. That’s our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard. This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of a slave owners who wanted to be free, so they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people and move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto of this country ought to be? You give up a color, we’ll wipe it out. You got it.
So, anyway, about eighty years after the Constitution is ratified, eighty years later, the slaves are freed. Not so you’d really notice it, of course. Just sort of on paper. And that was, of course, during the Civil War. Now, there’s another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one: civil war. Do you think any country could really have a civil war? “Say, pardon me” [gun shots]—“I’m awfully sorry. I’m awfully sorry.” Now, of course, the Civil War has been over for about 120 years, but not so you’d really notice it, because we still have these people called Civil War buffs, people who thought it was a really keen war, and they study the battles carefully, and they try to improve on the strategies and the tactics to increase the body count, in case we have to go through it again sometime. In fact, some of these people actually get dressed up in uniform once a year and go out and refight these battles. You know what I say? Use live ammunition, [bleep], would you please? You might just raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool.
But what do you expect? Hey, come on, this is a warlike country. We come from that northern European, basically the northern European genes, the blue eyes. Those blue eyes. Boy everybody in the world learned real quick, didn’t they? When those blue eyes sail out of the north, you better nail everything down [bleep]. Nail it down, strap it down, or they’ll grab it. If they can’t take it home, they’ll burn it. If they can’t burn it, they’ll [bleep]. That’s what happened to us. And it’s a warlike country. C’mon, I mean, forget foreign policy. Even the domestic rhetoric is warlike. Everything about our domestic policy invokes the thought of war. We don’t like something in this country, we declare war on it. The war on poverty, the war on drugs, the war on crime, the war on AIDS, the war on cancer. We’ve got the only national anthem that mentions [bleep] rockets and bombs in the [bleep] thing. You know what I mean?

Language in Amerca…GEORGE CARLIN: When I was a little kid, if I got sick, they wanted me to go to the hospital and see the doctor. Now they want me to go to a health maintenance organization or a wellness center to consult a healthcare delivery processional. Poor people used to live in slums. Now the economically disadvantaged occupy substandard housing in the inner cities. And they’re broke! They’re broke. They don’t have a “negative cash flow position.” They’re [bleep] broke! ‘Cause a lot of them were fired. You know, fired? Management wanted to curtail redundancies in the human resources area, so many people are no longer viable members of the work force.
Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It’s as simple as that. The CIA doesn’t kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people. Or they de-populate the area. The government doesn’t lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call “sunshine units.” Israeli murderers are called commandos. Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part of it to us, do they? Never mention that part of it.
..."