health implications for a computer user

This will happen to you if you work on computers all day:
1. Susceptibility to conjunctivitis. Computer users tend to blink less when at their terminals allowing bacteria to fester longer on the cornea. Expect more frequent bouts of gooky eye.
2. RSI/Arthritis: As you clutch your mouse for 8 hours at a time with your hand fixed in an 'unatural stress position' like some frozen albino crab, you can expect the onset of RSI (Repetetive Strain Injury). This will result in hand, wrist and forearm pain and possibly some degree of nausea. After a number of years this should develop into a debilitating arthritis.
3. Hunchback development. Your posture will be ruined by years spent slumped in a badly designed chair, craning your neck to read microscopic type. You should loose about an inch in height every 7 years.
4. Eye rot. Your eyes will begin to react to the constant glare emitted from your monitor and will turn milky white as a counter-measure in an attempt to filter out the luminescent harshness. Aswell as this expect a general lowering in the quality of vision in later years as your iris becomes accustomed to focusing at about 12 inches only. Avoid driving within 8 minutes of computer use.
5. Wide arse development. 8 hours a day, 7 days a week not exercising, but placing most of our weight on your love cushions results in a kind of 'arse-flange action' . Your butt can't grow down through the chair so it grows outwards instead. You will quickly learn never to stand 'front-on' in photographs.
6. Expect rapid hair loss at the front of the head and body as a side effect of Monitor Radiation. This includes eyebrows and eyelashes. Note: Will not affect hair at the back of the head.