Searching for something new, not a replacement.

Lately my joints have been crap. I’ve been on the high end of life up until two meds had to be dropped due to stomach ulcers and insurance coverage. So lately I’ve been in a low more so.

I’m sick of being sick but it could be worse. That’s the only thing that’s keeping me going.

I’m still so lost. I think my career is going in the right direction but there’s still so many what if’s.

I’ve thrown myself back into the dating universe but even that’s been tough. How am I supposed to love someone when I am still coping and learning how to love myself? I think it will come but I’m just not sure when. Maybe simultaneously? But I just don’t like the idea of that bc it still makes me so pessimistic and break down still. I can’t front this optimism all the time… Not when my thousands of dollars in savings just went down the drain for this reason.

I’m not looking for a replacement. I hate that I still think of him esp after seeing his brother and other familiar faces, but it is what it is.

This year has been better than last that’s for certain but w a mental high and physical low I’m still just in the middle…

I remember being ring lost on Xanga some 10 years or so ago… Let’s hope in 10 years from now I’ll be that much closer to being who I want with all I’ve got.