A message on tithes and offerings at Maple Street Methodist Church received a surprisingly warm welcome Sunday as congregants responded by giving a full ten percent of their attention to the well-prepared sermon.

“I’m impressed by their generosity,” Pastor Larry Williams told reporters Monday. “We have to start somewhere—just pay a small amount of attention to a word here, a word there. Heck, sometimes I’m happy if the congregation even shows up for these services.”

“I usually try to focus and really absorb about 12–13% of the sermon, so I’m doing way more than my part,” longtime church member Ruth O’Neill told reporters. “Once in a while, I’ll listen to the entire thing as a special, one-time love offering of my time and attention.”

Member David Spangler admitted to giving only 1% of his attention, blaming the pastor for scheduling the message in the prime of golf season, on the weekend of a major. “I have to prioritize, you know?” he explained.

David Spangler is a former parishioner of mine (and a present one too… named Legion).