Tuesday, April 3, 2012

One Day At A Time....with no regrets

I can't believe its been a month today that Marco has been gone. We still feel him around us every moment of the day. Our hearts are so filled with the love he had for us and the love we have for him not to mention all the great memories we shared are relived each and everyday.There is not a day that has gone by with out a Marco quote followed by a laugh.

We are grateful that we were able to have him in our lives as my friend, best friend, husband and greatest dad to my kids. He has left us with an amazing appreciation of life and we don't let the sadness our hearts feel get us down because Marco never let anything get him down.

Marco told us to always remember something great we did and smile, not to feel sad. And that is exactly what we do. We refuse to let sadness get the best of us, all though we do have our moments but its okay cause we aren't made of rock.

If only everyone could see that having your memories and remembering all the good times is what you should keep with you all the time to help you through your tough times. It makes it a little easier to get through the day. The sadness comes from missing his "physical presence" here with us or just not hearing his voice.

The kids and I, we can say we are doing okay thus far. We miss him a lot. But it got to the point were it scared me to see that the kids as well as myself were doing okay. (of course having our moments of breaking down, but okay) I called Odyssey to send a counselor right away, to talk with us. I felt like something was wrong and I need to get some answers or help for that matter.

The next day they sent over Kathy, a very nice woman to come talk with us. She wanted me to explain what my concerns where and why we thought we needed her help. I told her I wasn't sure why we were feeling okay. I explained that I was thinking maybe we were in survival mode, denial, or anything else she could add to the list.

Then she said "can you tell me a bit about your relationship with Marco". So of course we spilled the beans of how amazing he is and everything he had to deal with and how we all dealt with it. She wanted to know if the kids were informed of what was going on and we said "yes, with all the raw reality's of what the cancer was doing and what it would take at the end of the road." She wanted to know if Marco spoke to us about his feeling for each of us and we told her "yes, everyday".

We told her about our road trips, how we all cried through all of our raw reality talks with the kids and how we all planned his funeral just as he wanted it. From the brochures to the flowers and pictures selected for the video and scrapbooks. She just looked at us in disbelief she said she couldn't believe everything we had gone through as a family and yet we all kept it together.

She explained that there was nothing wrong with us, we just didn't have loose ends to have to deal with at the end. Everything was planned and we grieved every step of the way.And we understood the reality of what life held for us and we learned as a family to accept it.

"Not a lot of people have that you know," she told us. She looked at us all and said from one end to another "you are normal, there is nothing you are telling me right now that makes it not normal. You don't have regrets, remorse and nothing wasn't left unsaid."

Matthew was the first to let out a deep sigh and say "well, I am glad we are normal." Gianina and I were relieved to hear that she wasn't going to take us wrapped in white jackets.

She explained that everyone has their own relationship with Marco and everyone will grieve differently. Depending on the relationship, there is not set way to grieve.

Before leaving I did mention to her that it still felt surreal, seemed like people were talking about someone else's Marco. We feel like he has been on a long fishing trip and its just taking him long to get home.She replied with "that is normal too but be aware that the day will come when you all realize he is not walking through that door". I think she shock us with that, and we realized that, that was a devastating thing we would have to encounter at our own time.

I was glad that we talked to her and just her telling us we were "normal" was great in itself.

Marco means the world to us and we will never stop enjoying all the great things in life that we all had as a family. We embrace each day with the same attitude to move forward and enjoy one day at a time with no regrets. With a smile on our faces and always remembering all the wonderful memories Marco has left for us to enjoy.

2 comments:

My My. You are so brave to be able to share your feelings with us all. Sometimes when someone dies it is a taboo to mention their name. I agree with you. Continue to remember and they shall never be forgotte. V

I read it this morning and I said good for you all that you are all doing well. It left me content. Like you said, one day at a time. I love you guys and hope you continue to be ok and doing well. Luv Leezy

Our New Blog

What is Soft-Tissue Sarcoma?

Soft tissue sarcomas are cancerous tumors that originate in the soft tissues of the body.

These tissues include muscle, fat, blood vessels, nerves, tendons and the lining of the joints. Marco's sarcoma started off as a tumor in his calf muscle in December 2007. The tumor was surgically removed, then treated with radiation.

The cancer later spread to his lung area, the tumors were also surgically removed, his body treated with chemo. He had three more tumors in his lungs, which they tried to shrink down with chemo.

Doctors had ruled out any more surgeries after chemo but they finally agreed.

On March 15, 2010 they removed the three tumors from his lungs, a section of the lung and diaphragm and three sections of ribs. Marco was in intensive care for over a week fighting an infection.

A CT scan showed worrisome signs that the cancer was back and it was confirmed with a PET scan.

Marco went through the maximum number of chemos to try to shrink that tumor. The tumor was not being responsive to the chemo in the shoulder area and there was a new tumor discovered near the aorta that was showing some response.

On Jan 15, 2011 Marco started 6 weeks of radiation aimed at his chest area, 5 days a week 30 min a day before surgery options were put on the table again.

After much debate, surgery was completed March 28, 2011. Marco underwent a painful recovery at home, only to discover over the Labor Day weekend that the sarcoma has spread to his brain.

Marco had brain surgery September 2011 to have the brain tumor removed. He also completed radiation to the operated area. On October 2011, Marco exhausted all of his treatment options at City of Hope. Marco entered home hospice care.

On March 3, 2012, Marco passed away at home surrounded by his family. You can read the posts and archive to read his story.