Sexuality, intimacy and cancer

This information is for people with cancer and their partners. It aims to help you understand and deal with the ways cancer and its treatment may affect your sexuality.

Our sexuality is central to the ways we experience physical and emotional closeness and how we develop and maintain our intimate relationships. It is closely linked to how we relate to ourselves and others.

We’ve become more intimate on other non-sexual levels. Cancer has opened up a whole lot of things, quite surprisingly.

– Kerry

We hope this information helps you find practical ways to adapt to any physical and emotional changes and discover new ways to enjoy intimacy. The principles are the same for all individuals, whether you are single or in a relationship, and regardless of your sexual orientation. We have used the term ‘partner’ to mean husband, wife, de facto, same-sex partner, boyfriend or girlfriend.

What are sexuality and intimacy?

Sexuality involves much more than just the act of sexual intercourse. It is about who you are, how you see yourself, how you express yourself sexually, and your sexual feelings for others. It can be expressed in many ways, such as by the clothes you wear, how you groom yourself, the way you move, the way you have sex and who you have sex with.

The role that sexuality plays in your life is influenced by your age, environment, health, relationships, culture and beliefs, opportunities and interests, and level of self-esteem.

Sex is often a way to experience intimacy, but intimacy is not necessarily about sex. Being intimate means being physically and emotionally close to someone else. Intimacy is about:

loving and being loved

demonstrating mutual care and concern

showing you value another person and feeling valued in return.

Intimacy is also expressed in different ways:

by talking and listening on a personal level

by sharing a special place or a meaningful experience

through physical affection.

Most people need some kind of physical connection to others. Even for people who are not sexually active, touch is still important.

Whether or not we have a partner, we are all sexual beings – having cancer doesn’t change that. Cancer can, however, affect your sexuality and your ability to be intimate in both physical and emotional ways. Addressing any changes and challenges early on may help you and your partner (if you have one) to have a fulfilling sex life after cancer.

Creating intimacy

A sense of closeness or togetherness takes time to develop or restore. These tips may help to encourage intimacy during and after treatment.

Fact finding – Even if you’re in a long-term partnership, don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking and feeling.

Time and space – Check if your partner feels ready to talk. They may need time to process the changes first.

Communication – Spend time talking and actively listening to help maintain a sense of emotional intimacy. Pick a good time to talk, when you can give your full attention and are unlikely to be interrupted.

Power of touch – Offer non-sexual comfort and reassurance through holding hands, hugging or massage.

How does cancer affect sexuality?

Cancer and its treatment can have a range of effects on sexuality. The most obvious impacts are physical. Some types of cancer require treatment that can directly affect the physical ability to have sex or to enjoy it. More generally, many cancer treatments have side effects that may interfere with sexual pleasure.

Any type of cancer experience can also influence your body image, emotions and relationships, all of which can change how you feel about sex. Cancer diagnosis and treatment often magnify existing stresses. If there have been issues in your sexual relationship (or in your relationship more generally) prior to diagnosis, these may be intensified and it becomes all the more important to address them.

Most people who have had cancer treatment say they have faced issues with sexuality and intimacy. Some find that any change in their sexuality is temporary. Others have to adapt to long-term changes, and these may be the most difficult aspect of life after cancer. It is possible, however, for the experience to strengthen a relationship, improve communication and lead to new ways to express sexuality and intimacy.

Do people really think about sex when they have cancer?

Research shows that sexuality is a key concern for people who have cancer, even when cancer is advanced.

During the initial shock of diagnosis, sex might be the furthest thing from your mind. Sometimes treatment begins straightaway and there isn’t much opportunity for reflection.

Over time, however, you may start to have questions about the likely impact of treatments, when you can resume sexual activity, and how you can have a fulfilling sexual and intimate life after cancer.

Sex was the last thing on my mind when I found out I had cancer. I couldn’t imagine ever having desire again. But after the treatment was over, it came back.

– Pat

Will my doctor want to talk about sexuality?

Discussing sexual concerns with your treatment team might be difficult for you. You may feel uncomfortable with the subject, or sense that your health professional may be uncomfortable too. Or you might think there is no point because you don’t realise that there are treatment options available. Sometimes your doctor may not be able to offer you the time needed for a sensitive and thorough discussion.

If your health professional doesn’t ask about your sexuality, it’s perfectly okay for you to bring up the subject. If you do not feel satisfied with the response, ask for a referral to someone who can more freely discuss sexual matters with you. You can also ask for a referral if you are same-sex attracted or transgender and feel that your health professional is uncomfortable talking about your sexual practices.

Who else can I talk to?

You can start by talking to your GP or cancer specialist about your concerns, but you may also want to see someone who has particular expertise in sexuality or more time available to explore the issues. You might choose to see a clinical psychologist or a sexual therapist.

Psychologists – Most large public hospitals have a clinic staffed by psychologists with experience providing support and advice about sexuality and intimacy in the context of cancer. This may be called a psycho-oncology clinic. Speak to your cancer specialist about accessing these services. Additionally, you and/or your partner can discuss concerns with a private psychologist with relevant experience.

Sexual therapists – Also known as sex therapists, sexual counsellors or sexologists, sexual therapists are usually qualified counsellors who specialise in human sexuality. Some may also be psychologists. They have been trained to help people manage sexual concerns. Ask your treatment team for advice on finding a sexual therapist. Sex therapy is not yet regulated by the government, so untrained people can call themselves sexual therapists.

You can see a sexual therapist with a partner or on your own. You will not be asked to undress or do anything sexual in the therapist’s room. The therapist will provide practical advice and reassurance, and help you develop strategies and goals to work through any sexual issues that concern you.

What if I don't have a partner?

If you don’t have a partner, you may feel that you can’t raise sexual issues with your treatment team. However, your sexuality is as important as anyone else’s, and your treatment team should openly discuss any concerns you have.

You may be worried about finding a new partner after cancer treatment and how you will tell a potential partner about the effects of the cancer. See Let’s talk about sexfor ways to talk to current or potential partners. You can also ask for a referral to a sexual therapist if you want to build up your sexual confidence for a future relationship.

How soon can I have sex?

This will vary depending on the treatment you have had and how quickly you are healing – both physically and emotionally. Your doctor will tell you how long you need to wait before engaging in particular sexual practices, such as intercourse. This waiting period is for medical reasons, such as preventing injury or infection after surgery. It can be considered the minimum period – for some people, it will be much longer before they feel ready to have sex again.

Are there dangers for my partner?

Your partner cannot ‘catch’ cancer from you. After some types of treatment, such as chemotherapy and radiotherapy, your doctor may advise you to protect your partner by using barrier contraception, such as condoms, for a short time.

Can sex make the cancer worse?

Sexual activity will not make the cancer worse. If you feel like having sex, the emotional benefits of an intimate physical relationship may help you cope with the demands of treatment and recovery.

How can we feel like sexual partners again?

Roles within relationships often change during cancer treatment. Sometimes it happens gradually almost without noticing, and sometimes it is more sudden and obvious.

It is important to recognise the changes and discuss them openly with your partner. You can develop strategies to manage sexuality and intimacy that take the changes into account. For example, regular ‘date nights’ can be scheduled, during which you revert to the role of partners and make a special effort to treat each other like people on a date.

Will I ever enjoy sex again?

Most people can have a fulfilling sex life after cancer, but it often takes time, and you may need to develop a new approach to sex. If you have to learn different ways to give and receive sexual pleasure, you might not get it right first go. As with any new skills, practice, patience and perseverance are the keys. Some people say that because they have to try new things, their sex lives actually end up being much better after cancer.

The cancer information on this website is based on the Understanding Cancer series booklets published by Cancer Council. This information is reviewed and updated every two years or as new information comes to hand. Cancer Council works with cancer doctors, specialist nurses or other relevant health professionals to ensure the medical information is reliable and up to date. Consumers also check the booklets to ensure they meet the needs of people with cancer. Before commencing any health treatment, always consult your doctor. This information is intended as a general introduction and should not be seen as a substitute for your own doctor’s or health professional’s advice. All care is taken to ensure that the information contained is accurate at the time of publication.

Support services

Coping with cancer?Speak to a health professional or to someone who has been there, or find a support group or forum

Amazon Kindle 2nd Generation devices

EPUB files can’t be read on the Amazon Kindle™. However, like most eReaders, Kindle™ 2nd Generation devices are able to display PDFs. We recommend that you download the PDF version of this booklet if you would like to read it on a Kindle™.
To transfer a PDF to your Kindle™ via USB cable from your computer or Mac:

download the PDF directly onto your computer.

connect the USB cable to your computer’s USB port, and the micro USB end of the cable to your Kindle™. Note: the Kindle™ won’t be available as a reading device while it is connected to your computer until it has been disconnected.

open the Kindle™ drive and several folders will appear inside. The “Documents” folder is where you will need to copy or drag the PDF to.

safely eject your Kindle™ from your computer and unplug the USB cable. Your content will appear on the Home Screen.

Android and PC

You can also download and open eBooks on Android devices and PCs with appropriate apps or software installed. Suitable eReader apps for Android include Google Play Books, FBReader and Moon+ Reader. Suitable software for PCs include Calibre and Adobe Digital Editions.

Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to the elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.

Download your FREEFestive Cookbook.

Receive over 30 beautiful recipes to take the guilt out of festive feasting

Name*

FirstLast

Email*

Phone*

Privacy: Cancer Council NSW values your privacy. At Cancer Council NSW, we recognise the importance of your privacy and the safeguarding of your personal information. For more details, please read our Privacy Policy. By providing your email & phone number you are agreeing that Cancer Council NSW can use it to keep you informed about future activities and events.