Consider this: One out of every four people will be a victim of
terrorism their lifetime. And though this statistic may have just been
made up by me, one cannot deny that it is extremely troubling.

But never fear: Because I, and I alone, have discovered the secret to
eradicating terrorism. I am fully prepared to give this information
away free of charge, as a service to my country, and in the hopes that
it will rid our world of Terror once and for all.

It could be said that fear is one of our most useful and sensible
emotions. Not only does it prime our bodies to better react to danger,
but it also stops [most of] us from undertaking foolish,
life-endangering endeavors such as firing antique crossbows at the
police, riding a motorcycle, or crushing our own head in a vice
"because we wanted to see what it felt like".

Yes, when it comes to "staying alive for as long as possible", fear can
be a useful and practical tool. But as with other tools (right angle
reversible drills for instance), fear can also pollute our minds,
twisting what was once a useful and important bodily function into a
crippling (and often hilarious) ailment.

Here is a list of twenty of the most ridiculous and illogical phobias
on earth.

A
carefully chosen collection of supergreat links, messed-up news
stories, and a whole lot of other random crap cultivated from the best
sites on the internet.

This Week: Koran Smoking, Drive-Bys On Barnyard Animals, Hootie &
The Blowfish, The Price Of Weed, & Stuff Hispanic People Like.
Also, a brand new 1-Part feature: Collectible Burger Kind Manatee Card
Of The Week! Collect the manatees to recieve a special prize.

In case you haven't noticed, LAN (Local Area Network) parties have
becoming increasing popular in recent years. And by "increasingly
popular" I mean "substantially less popular due to the fact that they
are quickly becoming pointless and redundant alongside the
proliferation of high-speed internet".

Rejoice, mindless Coca-Cola enthusiasts, for your salvation has
arrived. Because now, thanks to whomever the fuck Kurt Adler is, you
may now purchase (for the low low price of 25 American Freedom Dollars)
a
set of plastic string lights in the shape of soft drink cans.
These specially designed light sources are 100% guaranteed not clash
with the Coca-Cola commemorative plates, framed Coca-Cola photographs,
and dust-encrusted Coca-Cola Calendars which currently adorn the walls
of your cluttered, cat-piss-smelling hovel.

With just a simple credit card transaction, these gaudy symbols of
unabashed consumerism will be shipped directly to your front door,
where they may then be torn from the box in a frenzy and slapped upon
the walls as symbols of your pathetic brand loyalty to one of the
world's largest and least interesting corporations!

So let's dive right in and take a look at the specific features which
make these particular sources of artificial (yet godly) luminescence so
very special.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there's a pretty decent chance you're going to die. Don't feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you're in good company. I have it on
good authority that a number of famous people have also died. St.
Thomas Aquinas, for example. And George Carlin? Long gone. Kurt
Vonnegut kicked off only recently as well. Why, even old Donny "The Royal Asshole" Regan ate it
eventually, despite his repeated assurances that he'd be sticking around indefinitely to "keep his boot upon the necks of the poor".

I guess my point is that it isn't the inevitability of death which frightens most
of us. No, most people worry about the way they'll go. A lucky few will go quietly in
their sleep, some will experience a massive thrombotic stroke while
piloting a motorized scooter, and others will (puzzling though it may be) somehow manage to
receive a stray bullet to the brainstem while ogling children at a
Chuckie Cheese.

And while goes without saying that most people have very little say in
the method of their own demise, it is sometimes possible to
steer the
hand of fate in a certain direction. So for those who are interested in achieving a more interesting death, here are (in no particular order) The Top Five Most Fascinating Ways To Die.

Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you
choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly
successful but utterly joyless human being like George "The Miser"
Lucas, Jay "Lowest-Common-Denominator" Leno, or Steven "I'm Seriously A
Real Cop" Seagal. But if you pick something too off-the-wall like
Moonshadow, Cockjob, or Bridge To Terabithia: Look out. Your kid'll get
hassled so much that they'll probably end up going all cutty-cutty or
shooty-shooty before they've even reached their fourteenth birthday,
and that's not something any parent wants.

So, as with most things in life, the secret here is to find a happy
medium. Choose a name that's just quirky and original enough to turn
some heads, and your baby is almost assured a place within the pantheon
of Happy Successful People With Cool Names like Galileo
Whateverhislastnamewas, Nicholas
If-Jesus-Christ-Had-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barbon, or
Bobcat Goldwaith.

So to help you on your way, here is my exhaustive list of the Coolest Baby Names
Of All Time.

I hope that you will please forgive my inability to stop posting
galleries featuring hilariously bad album covers. Please know that I
only continue to do this out of a deep and abiding love for the human
race. Well that, and also I've also got a number of very serious mental
disorders I am unsuccessfully attempting to reign in.But that isn't
important right now.