“If I love you because you love me, that is mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something—and it is only such love that can know freedom.” ―Jiddu Krishnamurti

It’s tough.

Obviously, I’m not saying let people walk all over you. Respect your boundaries. But the next time you criticize a friend, ask yourself, Am I criticizing because of my rigid standards?

We tend to criticize what we don’t accept about ourselves—to save loved ones from the rejection and shame we’ve experienced.

So, to nourish fulfilling relationships, we should first start with the relationship we have with ourselves.

3) Health / sports

I experimented with different diets, believing one would bring me optimum health. Various studies and books persuaded me to change my habits:

Reduce meat

Eat whole grains

Consume vegetables raw

Eliminate dairy

Avoid sugar (including fruits)

Though my discipline to adhere to strict dietary guidelines was laudable, my efforts to ward off illness stressed me: I read about nutrition for entire days, forced Loïc to eat like me and beat myself up for having a cold.

*sigh*

I had done it again—I let my perfectionism push me to extremes. (Hmm, was my obsession to eat healthy a condition?)

“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty six times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” —Michael Jordan

4) Physical appearance

When you’re perfectionistic about your physical appearance, you can worry too much about grooming, hairstyle or what to wear.

Though what’s most heartbreaking is that many cultures glorify thinness or certain physical traits: You’re unworthy unless you look xyz.

In college, my friend D. and I talked for 2 hours straight as soon as we met.

Each night in the dining hall, I marveled at the ever-changing cuisines (Indian, French, vegan, yippee!), while D. grimaced at the lack of red kidney beans or feta cheese (her staple diet). I should’ve raised an eyebrow when she only ate 7 chocolate-dipped bananas for dinner.

D. had a contagious optimism, nonetheless. She inspired me to crack jokes with our growing French vocabulary, try salsa dancing and uplift the most vulnerable.

Then, one evening, she confessed her struggle with bulimia.

I felt enraged. I didn’t have the maturity and knowledge to understand. D. calmly answered my hail of questions. It shocked me that she hadn’t been aware of her actions.

Now I know. Defense mechanisms like denial are unconscious responses to protect us from conflicts, anxiety or pain. D. somehow found her way through the fog and reached out to me—that takes courage.