Speaking of yesterday, We are assured
(thereby making an ass of you and Red Buttons (what the hell does that even
MEAN?)) that Our WorldWideInterWebNetzian Mormon game, Magic Underwear: The
Gathering, is indeed in development. We
are only a beta-testing period away from wealth beyond Our wildest imaginings!

The preceding is courtesy of OurSean in
Greater Bostonia, who is an actual game designer. (Despite being an idiot Our Own Self, We know
some smart people.) You can check out a
game he co-created (Let’s
Quip) on
SitOnOurFaceBook here: https://apps.facebook.com/letsquip/
AND you can begin waiting with bated
breath for the arrival of Magic Underwear: The Gathering!

(Note: please wait with BATED BREATH only.
Do not wait with baited breath,
or masturbated breath. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.)

As if you weren’t bored enough by now, We had
two dreams last night which We are going to (briefly) Cher with you.

In the first, We ate an entire roasted turkey
with Our bare hands (well, AND with Our mouth).

(See?
That was brief. And relatively
painless. (Unless you were picturing it.
(You weren’t picturing it, were you? (Sorry.))))

In the second, We got a job at the Ack-A-Me. There was a very long training period, during
which it was unclear what exactly Our job was, but, in the end, We wound up
working a register. Except now, the
Ack-A-Me was a SuperFresh (it was totally unclear why that made any difference)
and much more resembled a casino than a grocery store.

(Vacation
time-shares are still available in the windmills of Our mind for October,
November, and most of the holiday season.
Book yours TODAY!)

Dear SitOnOurFaceBook: We have, at last count, 995 “friends”. Many of whom We have never actually met. So We can pretty much guarantee you that
“People We May Know” do NOT include those with whom We share only one or two
“mutual friends”. Your stupidz are
showing. KThxBye.

In other other other news, leapin’ lemurs,
it’s Libra! And not a moment too
soon…Virgo was truly wearing Us right the hell out. Is it just Us, or does
Uranus always feel out-of-sorts for you during Virgo too? Also, for the entire month of Virgo, it
always feels as though someone is snooping through Our underwear drawer. And telling people what they find there. And NOT in a good way.

In celebrity birthday news, it is Dame Julie
Andrews’s birthday. So there’s that.

You need to
take a break — (Okay.)

or at least
slow down. (Heh. See what We did there?)

(Wait…are
you still here? Is this thing on?)

Your energy
is better for quiet solo projects (How do YOU
spell “masturbation”?)

or for recovering
from exhaustion, so make sure that you’ve got a good place to do your own
thing. (We can do Our Own thing just
fine. How ‘bout We do somebody ELSE’S
thing?)

Someone’s
mumbling, (Someone’s mumbling, Lord; kumbaya…)

(Sorry.)

and from
the rumble of their voice, it sounds like fightin’ words. (Oooooh…Kelli dropped her G…. Scaaaaaaaarrryyyyy!!!!)

You’d
recognize them anywhere, and you’re not at all intimidated. (“Intimidated” is an interesting word, no? Especially if One imagines it as a verb involving
a guy named Tim…)

(This crap
just comes to Us, all sperm-of-the-moment like.
We don’t understand it, We can’t control it, and the next thing ya know,
We’ve tagged Our SitOnOurFaceBook friend Tim, and then he has to get a
restraining order…)

(Sigh.)

In fact, you’re
already thinking about how to apologize once the debate’s over, because you
know you’re going to win. (Have you met Us? In what universe would We apologize for
winning?)

You
probably even know how many sentences it will take to completely befuddle the
opponent. (TV Trivia: The Befuddler was going to be a villain in an
early episode of the 60s BATMAN TV Series.
He was to be played by William Shatner’s hairdresser. The character was scrapped after an
unfortunate incident involving Burt Ward and a curling iron.)

(True
fact.)

It’s not
your fault you’re better equipped than they are to handle this — and just about
everything else. (Obviously, what We need here is a
scapegoat…)

You’re
tireless in your pursuit of novelty! (Well,
naturally! Because novelty certainly isn’t
what it used to be!)

(The layers
and levels of humor in here…it’s just like peeling an onion. That’s been stuck up the ass of a dead
dog. That’s been lying in the sun for a
month. In a tub of milk.)

(Can We paint a werd pixture, or what?)

(Who said, “Or
what”?)

Try
checking out a movie with two sets of subtitles, then meeting up with old
friends for a wide-ranging discussion. (YOU try
that…WE’RE here about the blowjob.)

Make them
each bring someone! (In other words, have an orgy. Why didn’t you say so in the first place?)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.