Joke Thread

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t

Son:"Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother we can call "The Future".

"Do you understand, Son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is".

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit".

'the only people flying to the middle east at the moment are terrorist's.'
'will you be sitting in armed or unarmed'
'in case of a cabin seizure, a small gun will fall the over head hanger.'
run to the front of plane and claim it in the name of Allah'

I heard that Heather Mills-Macartny was divorcing her Husband Paul, when asked by her attorney how much she wanted from the divoced she replied 500 million pounds, her attoney replied you gotta be kidding me I dont think youv'e got a leg to stand on.

A blind man and his guide dog enter a pub near Fulham Broadway and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the barman, "Hey, you wanna hear a joke about Chelsea Football Club?"

The pub immediately becomes absolutely quiet. Then the man next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The barman is a Chelsea fan, the bouncer is a Chelsea fan and I'm 6' 6" tall, a Chelsea fan with a black belt in karate. What's more, the man sitting next to me is a Chelsea fan and he's just come out of prison for murder and the bloke to your right is a Chelsea fan, and he's a pro boxer.
Think about it seriously, mate. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream' He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other one says 'so are you, you fat bastard'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

'I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...'

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In November of 2004, two guys known as ChicagoTom and AmericanMike started a joint venture to support and promote the club they loved and bring the Fulham family in the US closer together. As some members like to point out, there is no separation in the title "FulhamUSA." We love for Fulham supporters across the US and globe to feel they always have a home at FulhamUSA.