The Balder Movement(Fake Hair Can’t Trump the Truth About a Bald Buffoon)

It was during the Spring of 2011 when Donald T’Rump/The Ass initiated the racially-charged “birther movement” with his false claim that President Obama was born in Kenya instead of Hawaii. In fairness, I should wait until 2019 to begin the “balder movement.” However, Comrade Agent Orange Clown could be in prison for treason and obstruction of justice by next year after Robert Mueller’s indictments stick to the “president” like white skin on a Trumpster from a dumpster. Propecia and Rogaine be damned, the Balder movement begins in earnest with an idea from a Chicagoan who is among the expatriate division of the Resistance from here in Weybridge, England.

President Barack Obama’s full length birth certificate was released in the late Spring after 2011, and it was shortly after he had 9/11’s criminal mastermind killed as a fugitive in Pakistan; it should be noted that Osama bin Laden originated from Saudi Arabia, the nation that was actually culpable for the events on September 11, 2001 instead of either Afghanistan(the biggest financial sand-trap of the Middle East since 1980) or Iraq(they didn’t possess any “weapons of mass destruction” either). I am currently viewing the birth certificate of a biracial baby who was born to Ann Dunham on August 4, 1961 in Honolulu, Hawaii at the Kapiolani Maternity and Gynecological Hospital; the address is 6085 Kalanianaole Highway in Honolulu(Aloha to Elvis!). I am satisfied with the veracity of the birth certificate, but I am not satisfied with the “authenticity” of Donald Trump’s orange face and blonde hair. It is extremely likely that the “hair” of “billionaire” buffoon Trump is neither genuine nor real; this is similar to his marriage to Malaria, uh, Melanie, uh, Melania Trump, the existence of God(yes, this post was written on Sunday), and compassionate conservatism espoused by George W. Bush in 2000(Bush’s election “victory” in Florida was also a crock of shit). In fact, it is more than likely that given the poor quality of the dead animal on the head of Donald Trump, his hairpiece was not made in the United States but, rather, in a third-world country(Taiwan? Malaysia?? Kenya???) instead. Given the abject poverty related to the continent of Africa(it is actually a country, according to Sarah Palin), the toupee of Donald Trump was most likely woven in the nation of Kenya; this indicates that the most conspicuous aspect of Donald Trump’s appearance, aside from his unnaturally orange skin, is neither an American product nor a legitimate resident that resides on the president’s head. In sharp contrast to both President Obama and the god, uh, boss Bruce Springsteen, Donald Trump’s hairpiece was not “born in the USA.” The fabrication of Trump’s hair has resulted in the formation of the balder movement, which shall not go out of business in the same manner as the birther movement…as was the case with so many of Trump’s financial enterprises and failures as a con man, uh, businessman. The balder movement will send a team of investigators to interview all of Trump’s wives(currently two ex-wives, if the Evangelical “Christians” are able to count), girlfriends(adultery and abortion are acceptable when the politician is a Repugnantcan, uh, Republican), and the fired contestants from The Apprentice/”Celebrity” Apprentice; all of these people will admit their relief to not suffer again from being in either the same bedroom or boardroom as Donald Trump. We can only assume that they are survivors of an orange trauma.

Mr. Trump can take some comfort in knowing that the greatest Republican president of the 20th century, Dwight David Eisenhower, was also a bald man; Ike didn’t have any “bone spurs” in his feet that prevented him from serving in the military to become a five-star general. In fact, President Eisenhower was a far more successful president than the hair-dyed nitwit who so many dumb Americans consider to be our best president of the 20th century. St. Ronald Raygun, uh, Reagan attempted to dismantle everything created by our nation’s greatest president, a democratic socialist named Franklin Delano Roosevelt(this fact can be confirmed by erudite scholars and respectable historians who didn’t graduate from Liberty University). Regarding the Evangelical “Christians” who are still supporting a bald traitor named Trump, the balder movement will also be investigating Jesus H.(Howard?) Christ in order to prove that he was not an American citizen, he did not speak English fluently(have you ever heard of Aramaic?), he was neither a Christian nor a Gentile(this is assuming that Gentiles are still not celebrating Passover and Hanukkah), and he never spent as much time with one woman(a wife, for example) as twelve other men whose feet were personally washed by him. Finally, the birther movement will begin the deportation proceedings for Santa Claus because the North Pole is much closer in proximity to Russia than Florida. Of course, we know already that many Floridians don’t have a problem with Trump “putting out” for Vladimir Putin as a traitor who won’t implement sanctions against Russia for interfering with our “free and fair” election in 2016. Please support the balder movement if you want to learn the real truth(not even close to being “fake news”) about a lying and bald bastard named Donald J.(Jackass?) Trump. Your nation needs a patriotic commitment that can’t be performed by the commander-in-chief of the military; it is time to fight!

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Paul Haider

I am proud to be an expatriate who escaped Trump's America filled with the White trash Trumpsters from dumpsters. I feel the Bern for my favourite Jewish socialist who isn't Jesus Christ. Obviously, I am a huge fan of Bruce Springsteen too.
View all posts by Paul Haider