Trying to Be Clear and Serene

Back from the vacay. Back into life/reality. While there’s hope, we are still concerned with the Brexit thing and it has definitely impacted us. Of course I have an almost obsessive concern over the upcoming Presidential election here in the U S of A. While I don’t want to turn this into a political rant, Donald Trump scares the shit out of me. Not to mention everything about him, his actions, what he says is totally repulsive to me. And, the thing that is even more concerning to me-if that’s possible-is that there are so many people that support him and agree with him. While some may say they don’t agree with his racism or his sexual harrassment of women or making fun of people that are handicapped, in my mind, if they are voting for him, they do agree with and support those kinds of viewpoints. He has allowed people to voice and behave in a way that has been kept somewhat undercover up to now. It’s extremely scary to me to think that they may be given a kind of permission to act on these prejudices if he is elected.

And, my beloved, 13 year old dog is sick. It started a few months ago and we thought it was pancreatitis. But, as it wasn’t getting any better and he had to be rushed to the vet while we were away, we took him to a specialist. He’s got a lump on his thyroid which will have to be aspirated and it turns out that he has a UTI-which he’s possibly had for awhile. He is now on 2 strong antibiotics and after a couple of days of those is a tiny bit better. I can tell that his energy level is slightly better, he doesn’t seem to be in pain or nauseated. He’s eating, peeing (now) and pooping. But he doesn’t have the same love of life and gusto he had even 3 months ago. The vet used the C word. I know that he will never act like he did a couple of years ago, but I want him to have a good quality of life and not be in pain. I love this dog so much! He knows all of my secrets, all of my recipes and tricks with food (if he comes back as a human, I’m convinced he will be an amazing chef as he has paid rapt attention whenever I am cooking- as I am constantly explaining to him what I’m doing!) He’s seen me at my drunkest and worst. He’s seen me cry, rant, rage, laugh and love. Unlike my SO, he always acknowledges when I’m speaking to him-or he did before he became mostly deaf. He was always ready to go for a walk and be in nature with me. And has let me hold him in my darkest times. He gets back into bed with me in the morning after he’s eaten and snoozes while I drink my coffee and write in my journal. The downside of having a pet is that they never, ever live long enough.

I hit the 10 month sober mark the other day. WooHoo! I changed my profile picture on FaceBook and I can’t believe how many nice comments I received! I also changed my cover picture-putting one in that was of me and my SO. A friend asked if we’d been drinking! I responded, “Not a drop! Just having fun the old fashioned way!” I privately messaged him and let him know that I hadn’t had any alcohol in almost a year! Wow!

So, 10 months! What do I know? Well, I feel pretty good and it must show to some extent. I haven’t struggled with guilt and lies and conniving how to make sure I have enough alcohol to get me through whatever it is.. But, I have also recently noticed that at times, for a brief instant, I wish I was drinking. Like a Margarita in Mexico- But then, I take it one step further, past that first sip and past the first drink and am reminded of all that comes with it-knowing that I wouldn’t stop at one drink. Or, I see someone who has had too much and is a total idiot, all the time thinking they are cute or suave or sophisticated. Like the jerk that we sat next to in a pretty nice restaurant recently. God! the guy was such an asshole! I couldn’t tell if he was a hillbilly from some backwoods mountain tribe, or had a speech impediment or what. And, the woman he was with didn’t seem to be as drunk-but maybe she just wasn’t as obnoxious. The waitstaff were very nice to him, but I saw them rolling their eyes at times. It took me back to times when I would be drunk in a restaurant, sometimes really nice ones, and thinking I was being so witty with the server. Or the time I actually passed out or went into a blackout for about 10 minutes in the middle of a meal in a 5 star restaurant and my SO had to help me out the door at the end of the meal. Classy! While I am so glad that’s not happening now- it’s weird (kind of) how we can do things like that or even worse and then somehow push them to the back of our psyche and keep on repeating.

And so, my post for the day. All I can do is to trust and pray and know that things are how they are supposed to be. Remember that there are lessons in everything. Try to remember that no matter what, there is a place deep inside that is never effected by anything. It sits still and serene in the knowledge that there is a greater Force at work.

Her state is like that of things in the regions above the moon, always clear and serene

I live in a small town in the South, and just know that all of my neighbors are Trump supporters. I am like you — it doesn’t matter why they vote for him, but if they do, they belong to a separate race of people, doomed for all time for enabling a monster.
I have had to rein in anger and judgment of Trump (and everyone else associated with him), and look at myself. What does it mean to judge someone so harshly? Where does it leave me when it comes to acceptance and non-judgment? I don’t want to be another player in this scenario. I want to rise above it and leave the future in the hands of God.
And if you believe, like I do, that your inner thoughts create your outer world, what the hell have I been thinking?

I understand exactly what you are saying! I have struggled myself,at times catching myself cursing him and then immediately following with,”God bless him.” God knows he needs it. But while there have been other politicians , and people for that matter, that I have disliked in the past- I don’t feel any are as dangerous as this man. I get that hatred creates hatred- but what comes to mind is Hitler- are you able to not be judgement all of him? I pray for the healing of the world every day. I think acceptance and non judgement is fine and detachment is the goal- but again, could you be detached watching someone be raped or beaten or cheated? My brother brought a couple of friends into town recently. We all rode together to dinner. One of the guys is a Trump supporter. I let that slide and did not engage on that topic. Later in the evening, on our way home he said that he thought World War 2 was good in the sense that it helped to control the world’s population. I couldn’t help but point out that he was sitting in a car with 3 Jewish people. And I became, “un detached” . Fortunately we arrived home and they went on their way. There is a selfishness in racism and a lot of ego involved in sexual harassment. I get that you are in a tricky place because of where you’re at. I live in Austin and the Trump signs are far and few between.
Please vote! And thank you for the comment- I think many are aware of exactly what you are saying and struggling with.

It took me a few days to think about how to respond to this because it’s such a confusing place to be right now. And I know that a lot of what I read about and believe, is really called into question when it’s not a matter of theory. And for most of my life I have been outspoken about what I believed or didn’t believe should happen in the world and politics. I’m still there, in some ways, but I know now there is another way to “be” in the world, and that’s what I am looking for. I am not even close to being able to think like Jesus or Buddha or Ghandi, but I think they had the answers.
So the question about could I be detached in some horrible situation, the answer is no, and it always has been. But I would never imagine myself in that situation because to think about it is to experience it on some level. I used to do that all the time and I am too empathetic and heartbroken to live that way. It was my biggest question about whether there was a god or not. How could God allow this? Why doesn’t he step in and do something? How could this possibly be God’s will?
My answer was in A Course in Miracles. I won’t even try to put what it teaches here, but it basically says that we are creating what we see by thought. And that we have the power to change it by thought. So that is more powerful than my looking at the world and not liking it. If I change my thoughts about it, it will change as well. In my experience, it’s working. What has changed for me in the past 10 years has been absolutely amazing. The Course says that you don’t even have to believe it’s true for it to work. That where I was, but I knew I needed a miracle. (Several, in fact.) At its heart, forgiveness is the key to “saving” the world. As a constant judger, like we all are, I have to catch myself from constant judging because what I judge will then be true for me.
People like Marianne Williamson and Gabrielle Berstein put it much more fluently that I do. ; )
P.S. I will not vote because I am an alien. (You may be thinking this yourself after my rambling!) I am Canadian but seeking citizenship now. I want to get it before they build that big wall between the US and Canada. ; )

I an well acquainted with A Course in Miracles and am also a follower of Marianne Williamson- even seen her speak. I get what you’re saying and coming from but there’s a fine line there. Even Marianne has been extremely vocal in why Trump is such a danger to humanity- why she’s voted for Hillary and why this is not the time for a third party vote. She has explained this in both a spiritual point of view as well as a practical one. She has been challenged by some for taking a stance like this but is very clear in her stance. Good for you on obtaining your US citizenship! Hopefully you can retain your Canadian one, just in case..😀

I would love to see Marianne in person. I may be going to a spiritual retreat in CA in early December and hope to be able to schedule the trip around seeing her speak.
I couldn’t agree with you more about taking action around your beliefs. We are driving people to polls today, and I have been yammering about Trump to anyone who would listen, including my parents! What I struggle with is how I began to view other people. I judged them harshly, even when they did not judge me for the same reason. So I guess I am trying to fight the “Trump within.” I felt like I was getting into the same angry mindset as the people in his crowds.
Ironic that we are discussing this on election day. ; )

Here I am that Libra that sees all sides of everything. It’s a curse. This is why I hate politics. Taking the devils advocate point of view here, I do have to say I know a lot of people on both sides who can’t stand the idea of either candidate winning and being our leader but the slogan seems to be “just remember you are voting for the party”. I don’t agree that by voting for the party you are saying that you agree with and support the kinds of viewpoints/actions expressed/displayed specifically by that candidate. I know plenty of Republicans who detest Trump as a person, think he is racist, sexist and just an overall pompous jerk. But I also know plenty of Democrats who think Hillary is unethical, has been detrimental to women in many ways herself, is selfish and quite possibly a threat to national security. My problem is I think both. This election sucks. Deciding my vote will be very tough. My grandmother punted and voted Libertarian. She just couldn’t do it! Finally, I can’t even get my head around the World War 2 comment and that somebody actually thinks that way, but people do. It’s all still prevalent and we hide our heads in the sand about it too often!

I understand what you’re saying. I have to say that I have always been a Democrat/ although if Bernie had a chance I would have voted for him. I also feel that at times people want too much info about what goes on behind the scenes. I know in my own business I did not always feel it necessary to inform the staff of things or reasons behind my decisions. I also feel the while Clinton may rub some people the wrong way- much of the negativity is due to the press- and Republicans. I get why people want to vote a third party but I don’t think now is the time to take that stand- to me, every third party vote is a vote for Trump-and possibly Putin…not to mention racism, and hatred.
Let’s just stay sober!💜

I am sorry about your dog.
That is very hard.
I am so glad you are 10 months sober, and that you have had so much clarity!
I voted early, the first time I have done so.
I am trying to not get upset if Trump wins, and hope that clear heads prevail.
xo
Wendy

I won’t comment on the politics. It seems obvious to me that any woman with any sense of pride would NEVER vote for Trump. May his name be a curse. I am, however, sorry about your dog. An aging dog I’d had like forever was my “sobriety dog.” She shared my tears and my laughter. I knew she sympathized with me when I was having a bad day, and I cried into her soft fur coat many, many times.
In the midst of my (now deceased) husband’s illness, I had to put her down. She was clearly in distress, and the vet helped me make that difficult choice. The next day, it was unimaginable not to have her or a dog in the house. Each to her own, but I had to run out and get another dog ASAP. I named the new puppy “Gili” which, in Hebrew, means, “My joy.” She brought joy back into my life. I wrote a chapter on that experience in my memoir, “Starting at Goodbye,” available at Amazon.
I will always mourn my “sobriety dog,” but I now have two dogs that I adore. That type of grieving, in the old days, would have been an excuse to really tie one on. Instead, I felt every bit of it–with the help of others in recovery.
After being sober for more than 28 yrs, I might still salivate when a server carries a strawberry margarita on a platter to a nearby table. It looks good. My brain tells me I can have one. My gut knows better. Alcohol holds nothing for me but misery. There is nothing, good or bad, that can convince me I need or want a drink. That’s where the slogan “Think, Think, Think” comes into my head: Think the drink through. I promise you that if you do, that margarita can keep traveling past my table to someone else’s. It has nothing for me.
Congrats on 10 months!!!

Thank you for your comment. That must have been such a horrible time for you! Just to be clear, I have not been tempted to order an alcoholic beverage. This whole trip we were drinking non alcoholic pina coladas- on the last day the waiter made a mistake and brought one with rum in it. I only realized it when I took a sip- I sent it back for the non alcohol version. That taste of rum did not send me off the deep end or trigger a bender. What it did do was let me know that I preferred the flavor of the one without alcohol.
I love your comment, “may his name be a curse!” Reminds me of something my mom would have said!❤️

About Me

I am a 60 plus year old (how is that even possible?!) woman who has had a dysfunctional (is there any other kind?) love affair with alcohol for many years. I am educated, well traveled, and ran a very stressful business for many years. Alcohol was with me every step of the way.
The bottle has now been emptied and I have taken the leap into sobriety.
This is my account of trying to come out from under the influence.
Please feel free to contact me at:
freefallingsober@gmail.com

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