Working Mom with Stay at Home Dad

Trish - posted on 01/07/2009
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32 moms have responded
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Greetings to all the Working Moms and their Stay At Home Dads.

Hope all is well. I would love to hear your stories.

Here is mine:

My husband stays home with our two children, both under 3. My son is 2 years 7 months and my daughter is 1 year 5 months. He enjoys staying home with them but is often frustrated when I get home. He keeps house and cooks on most days and I don't mind coming home to a mess on the really frustrating days. He is a great dad, but sometimes (a lot of times) I wish I could be the one staying home and he would work. I'm pretty sure he feels the same, especially on the tough days. Alas, it's not to be, I make more money than he would if he took the job as working dad. Maybe we will win the lottery and then I can stay home!

32 Comments

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RoseAnn - posted on 03/07/2010

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Hi Trish,I too am a working mom with a stay at home husband. It just seemed right. Kevin has alot more patience that I do. He's been home for about 8 years now. My 11 year old has been diagnosed with asperger's syndrome so it is very frustrating for Kevin most days. We have a 2 year old who is his joy. He does a great deal of good being at home. I have a very high stress job and just wish he could understand how I never have any energy when I get home. That's pretty much it. Don't get me wrong, I love him very much and wouldn't trade him for the world.

We're just at the start of "our story." We have a 3 mo boy and I just started back to work a week and a half ago. I want out already! I am having a very hard time with jealousy. I think mostly because I didn't get to decide to be the working one - my job gives us our health insurance and his didn't, so he's staying home and I'm working. It would help if I liked my job, which I don't. So, I spend every day trying to figure out alternatives. I've had equal numbers of people telling me to just stick with - it's bound to be hard at first, but it will get better - and people telling me that if I'm not happy I should change things. It definitely doesn't seem good for me, my husband, or my baby if all I can do all night after coming home from work is cry :-(

We would LOVE for him to continue to stay at home with our little girl, but finding a stay-at-home job that is legitimate is extremely difficult, and finding one that he is qualified for is also hard (he has a degree in Education, teaching History...). So where to go from here? Any thoughts? If anyone has any other ideas, experiences, etc I would appreciate the input. Thanks !!!!

He may be able to find work as a teacher or professor for an online university or high school. Many people do that from home and on their own schedule.

I hear you, Kristin! It can be difficult. One of of the family "culture" items we had established was to take a month or more off every year for vacation and to always travel together (unless explicitly impossible for some reason). I was always raised with the 1) live beneath your means 2) pay yourself first 3) save 25% "rules of the road." Even still, it is hard.

The best place to start is to sit down and have a data dump of everything FinSin (Financial Situation) related. Consider what is must have, nice to do, and not necessary but done anyways (monthly wine tastings, daily Starbucks runs, superfluous "stuff" that the baby "needs"). The last one is one I try not to get trapped in... sure, there are lots of cut outfits out there, but as it is, if he wore one of the outfits given to him every day, he still wouldn't have worn every one once before he grew out of it.

Hi all! I am a physician assistant, working 50+ hours a week with a 10 month old daughter, and my husband stays at home with her and has since she was born. I stayed home for the first 6 weeks before returning back to work. We had originally talked about him staying home with her for the first 6 months, but so far he's still at home, and it just seems to work out well. He really enjoys it, and he does a great job at keeping up on the house duties (cleaning, laundry, etc) and he cooks! It's great for both of us.

As she is getting older, we are spending a little more on her every day items and needs, and we know that eventually we may have some sort of personal or household issue (fridge goes out, A/C blows, etc) and we'll need some sort of money back up. The only problem is, with just me working and my income making the house payment, paying bills, both of our student loans (we both have Master's Degree's), car payment, etc etc etc, we have no savings back up! It is going to catch up some day.

We would LOVE for him to continue to stay at home with our little girl, but finding a stay-at-home job that is legitimate is extremely difficult, and finding one that he is qualified for is also hard (he has a degree in Education, teaching History...). So where to go from here? Any thoughts? If anyone has any other ideas, experiences, etc I would appreciate the input. Thanks !!!!

My name is Karen and I work in the Environmental Health & Safety Office at Caltech in Pasadena, California. My husband gleefully "retired early" from his paycheck job to be a SAHD. He started his own company - photography and script writing.

We wouldn't have it any other way! We carefully planned and discussed this before trying to have Xavier. We knew it would be a lot of work and a life change. From Cord Blood to his 529, everything was a mutual decision.

The best part about this set up is getting to do family vacations! We recently had a 5.5 week vacation travelling 7,500 miles around the US with Xavier happily strapped in the carseat taking it all in (yep - this was my husband's boyhood dream to see the States!). It is much easier logistically to go on vacations and plan trips.

Another question: What do your hubby’s tell people when asked what they “do?” My guy does do some office work for my mother one day a week. However that is the only thing he mentions when asked where he works. He only recently started saying that “works from home.” I know a lot of people tend to look at SAHDs as being lazy and not productive (even some of my own family is just starting to get over that after watching how hard J works for the past 2 years) I was just wondering how other people respond.

Maria

My husband has no problem saying he is the "stay at home parent" when people ask him what he does. And, I proudly state that he is the "stay at home parent" when peopel ask me what my husband does. And, most people I meet think that it is really great that we are able to have one of us stay home to raise the girls.

I'm new to this community and am just finding time to provide my story. My husband has been home with the girls (5 yr old and 3 yr old) since our first daughter was born. He was a high school physics teacher and I am a director of IT at a University. I make more money and he was willing to stay home with the girls. He's been enjoying it very much although is starting to find it a challenge now as we have decided to home school the girls. As the girls are getting older and are "processing" more, he is finding it challenging to deal with these two unique little individuals who are finding their own voices.

As for me, I am challenged by a few things. First, having to work all day and then come home to be mommy. I find that despite the fact that daddy is home all day with the girls, there are just some things that only mommy can "fix" or provide. So, I am exhausted all the time. I am still working on how to balance home life and work life. Plus, lately I find I have to be "psychiatrist" to my husband as he struggles with the girls.

Hardest thing right now is finding time for my husband and I to talk and plan. With money being tight, thinking about "dates" with each other is hard to do. There are days when I just wish he was working too or that he wouldn't be so picky about things....but then I think, would I be that picky if I were the one home? And, finding time to do things like pay the bills is a challenge let alone finding time to do the laundry!

In any case, most days are okay, but lately it feels like there are more days that I just want to scream because there are too many people all asking for a piece of me!

With that said, I feel extremely blessed that I have a husband who is willing to be the stay at home parent and is doing a great job at it. Like others here, we deal with the fact that my parents don't approve of the fact that I am working and he is not - I don't know why they don't understand that he IS working a full-time job! And, I really enjoy rediscovering the world around me through my girls' eyes.

Hi all....my husband and I decided after we were BOTH laid off, that he would continue to stay home. We also took on fostering which we knew we couldn't do unless one of us stayed home. When it comes to earning potential, it is a no-brainer with us. The way I see it though, is that it is unnatural for men to accept raising children and tending the house as their role in the family. Mine had to go through a transition. At first, he tackled his role like a job, established me as his key stakeholder...woke up when I did, made my coffee, showered and got on with getting children started for the day. Then he got bored with the repetitiveness and lack of feeling like he got something accomplished. So then we put the children in parttime daycare and he started doing some part time jobs. He's quite flexible and adaptable in skills so there's no lacking things he can get into that satisfies his other needs. But we also struggle with discipline and priorities. what I mean is that he gets it in his head that fixing the boat or setting up a deer stand is higher priority than the family tasks. That's when we struggle and need to realign on priorities.

We also deal with my family not accepting what they see as 'unmanly' and/or taking advantage of me....but we set that aside as sad, but oh well, its not their life or their family. I have to say that prayer and church support plays a big role in my husband's ability to handle his challenges. I can't MAKE him satisfied about these choices in life. That comes from within. Bottomline, hubby has got to recognize the value of a stay at home parent...and then feel that the choice is still his to provide that particular value ...and not feel cornered "well gosh, logically it makes sense, so I guess I should do it". Then you have someone doing a 'job' that doesn't feel passionate about it. um, no thanks!

My husband stayed home for a year when my oldest was a year old. He enjoyed it very much, but it wasn't a permanent thing. When she turned 2, he started his own business. 2 yrs later, I became pregnant with twins, and he took a job with the local school district. There were lots of issues going on with the school district, so we made the decision he could stay home with the kids. It will be a year in October that he has been home with all 3.

It is not easy, and he has gone through the emotions many of you have shared about your husbands. I think the most difficult thing for us is that I have no "me" time. When I get home, he is off duty, and also on weekends and I seldom get time to read a book, or even go grocery shopping alone. I do understand he needs time off, but I wish we had more of a balance.

He still does some side business on weekends, for extra cash, and uses some of that to pay for a housekeeper.

There aren't any groups for dads around here, as a matter in fact, most people think he stays home because he is lazy, which couldn't be farther from the truth.

I have reminded him from time to time how privileged he is to be able to be there for his kids every day, when they return from school, sharing happy times with them.

In response to the difficulty of transition: My husband was actually scared to be alone with our daughter at first. I started slowly leaving them for a few hours at a time before I had to go back to work. She was so content and happy all the time he eased right into it. He had no problem keeping up with the house work and taking care of her. Now that we have 2 children (2 yr. and 10 months) it is a different story. Our 10 month old son likes to be held and played with constantly. When he is not getting attention he cries. My husband has a really difficult time with this because he feels like he never has a chance to get anything else done. To him it doesn’t seem like he has “done anything” unless he has accomplished some list of tasks. To me if the kids are dressed, fed, and engaged in some sort of safe play that is a good day. It is very hard for me to understand why my husband doesn’t feel productive “just” taking care of the kids. I know he is struggling with being a SAHD right now but there is really no way around it right now. And I just don’t’ know how to help him.

Another question: What do your hubby’s tell people when asked what they “do?” My guy does do some office work for my mother one day a week. However that is the only thing he mentions when asked where he works. He only recently started saying that “works from home.” I know a lot of people tend to look at SAHDs as being lazy and not productive (even some of my own family is just starting to get over that after watching how hard J works for the past 2 years) I was just wondering how other people respond.

What I can share with those who are having difficulties with the transition is it can be very diffiucult in the beginning - Mommies just know things & Daddies have to learn it... I did alot of 'lead by example' with my husband in the beginning in stead of calling him out on what he was doing wrong - cuz this would only make him defensive. It's similar to how you 'train' your children = repitition - I would take a situation he was having difficulty with & through my own actions show him how to do it with a great end result (without telling him what I was doing) he started to catch on... In addition - I did alot of double time - making to do lists - from the angle - can you help me out with this - (doctors appts. / schedules / outings etc...) This gave him an additional sense of importance - I think for men its hard to 'just take care of the kids' in the beginning - they are so use to working & dealing with adults -- to many men they think this defines their worth - but thats not true - as women we have to teach them too - It took some time & yes I bite my tongue alot - but they do get the hang of it...

I'm a new member and I'm enjoying reading your stories. It is nice to know there are other women out there with similiar stories. My name is Michelle and my husband stays at home with our 14 mth old. He does a great job with her and has dinner ready for me at night but he doesn't do good with the household stuff (like he did before I had our daughter). I'm a CPA so from Jan. - April, I'm working none stop so it was really hard because I would need some mommy time but felt guilty about taking it because I wanted to see my daughter and my husband would some times make me feel bad about it.

I think being part of a daddy group would be great but we have not been able to find one for dads.

It has put some stress on our relationship because he doesn't understand that our roles have reversed and that most stay at home moms do a lot more than he does. I agree with all you other moms that said that it is definitely different being in the reverse role and it is stressful being the sole provider. I'm glad I have somewhere I can vent and ask questions.

How do you get you husband/partner to be more active with your child? He takes her to the golf course but it is hard to get him to do other stuff with her.

Hi! I'm a mom of 2 (and stepmom to 3 older kids), my son is 5 1/2 and my daughter is 2 1/2. My 2 oldest stepkids are 21 and 19 and out of the house while the youngest is 14 and still spends 2 weeks with us and 2 weeks with her mom (they about 7 miles away so this works pretty well). My husband has been at home for 5 years now and while he chose this and we have the same money situation as many of you, he is really not happy doing it. He doesn't want to go back to work, but he suffers from the isolation of being a SAHD and his fear that everyone thinks he is a slacker for not working outside the home. He works incredibly hard at home doing all the cleaning, laundry, shopping and cooking on top of watching the kids. He is very schedule driven, so he is great at all of that and I am very grateful for it!

However, I think we would both be much happier if we could both work part time and be home part time. I have often felt jealous of my husband being the one to be home with the kids, but I know that I would not be completely happy being at home full time either (nor could I ever keep up with everything he does with the chores - I would be much more into doing things with the kids!!)

On top of all the typical challenges this role reversal brings, our youngest child has some serious medical issues and special needs, needing lots of therapy, surgeries and constant doctors appointments. My husband has learned the critical medical care she needs, but I do all of her doctor's appointments and surgery decisions. He has been very depressed in dealing with all of this and hates having people in our home all the time to help us meet her needs (nurses, speech therapy and sign language). He really feels cheated that he decided to have more kids with me and she was born with these challenges. For me, her issues are tough but she is amazing and they don't get me down like it does for him.

To make life really difficult, I lost my job at the end of January and my severance just ended last month (I actually had a great severance package but this economy just sucks!!!) and I'm still looking for a new job. My husband has felt no need to find a part time job to help us out financially which really does bug me, but I haven't really expressed how I feel about it. I am a really optimistic person and I feel sure that in the end everything will work itself out, but times are really hard right now.

Very happy to find this group as I think we deal with issues that many people can't really relate to.

Hi all- wondering how those of you whose partners had difficulties in their new roles overcame it? My husband seems comepletely overhwlemed with the responsibility, and I don't know how to help him. It saddens me b/c he doesn't seem to find a lot of joy... after speaking with my friends who were/are stay at home moms, they went through something similar, but I can't get him to open up about it. Any suggestions on how to help? Luckily, our daughter is really happy & healthy. Thanks!

I am a working mom - & my husband stays at home with our 3 children (7yr / 4ys/ 18 months) This all started when I kept getting promoted at work (when my youngest was an infant) = more money.. We didn't want to due the child care thing - unless it was family & of course my job relocated us to an area where our closest relative is 4 hours away... Like you, my husband does a great job with it (tends house, laundry, shopping etc..) I am often thankful for the bonding & relationship I see he has with the kids - I know its stronger for him since hes been at home... & also know alot of men would not do this for their wife - as I am sure you all can understand...

I do love my job, but I would be lying if I din't say I would switch in a heartbeat... All I want to do is be at home & he really wants to go back to work - but the salary factor is HUGE... After 7 yrs being at home - he really wants to work again, yet the market currently is the greatest, the fear of stabilty in the workforce is high & yes he would have to make what I bring home to support us - which makes it even more challenging... So I play the lotto too & hope it works out for us - what ever the bigger plan is...

I am very glad to find this group - I am sure we all have similar stories - conerns etc...

Hello- I am a proud mama of a 6-month old, and my husband is a SAHD while I work outside the home (same story- my income is far greater than his was). Although we had always planned for him to stay home, now that it's happened, I fell a bit usurped and relieved and guilty and, and, and...

It is great to find this group b/c although our numbers are growing, people still sometimes look at me as though I've grown an extra head when I explain our familty situation.

Hi everyone! I love our 'role reversal' situation. My husband, Adam, is a wonderful and loving daddy and has always had more patience and compassion than me. So we knew even before we had children that we wanted him to stay home and me to work. I'm really glad we planned ahead for one of us to stay home, because when we had our first, she was born with Down syndrome. I truly believe that she is doing so well now because Adam takes such great care of her and spends a lot of time with her on therapies and deals wonderfully with her feeding issues. Chaya just turned 2 in December and is such a delight!

Now we have a son, too. Isaac was born this past December and is the spitting image of his daddy!

I think you're right, Maureen. The reversal situation does seem to come with its share of challenges for my husband. I think people (specifically older people) tend to imagine that Adam stays home because he is a slacker and doesn't want to work. It shows when they make comments like, "So, you don't do anything?!". Anyone who has ever raised children, man or woman, can see the fallacy of that statement, but I think it still hurts. Also, the number of SAHDs is still small, so I think he doesn't feel like he has a community to belong to. All in all, he deals with the struggles with grace and tolerance (and the occasional venting session).

Hello all. I am a mother to a soon-to-be 6 month old. I am currently finishing up my undergrad degree in speech therapy. I went back to school when Troy was 6 weeks old. I am also working part-time. My boyfriend and I live with my parents which is a very stressful situation. Troy stays home with daddy at least twice a week since Chan does work on the farm on the other days. Our entire situation is a difficult, but we are trying to make it all work. Chan is trying to find a job again, but is looking like he may have to take job out of state. It is difficult at times, but I am trying to keep the faith that it will all work out for the best. Chan loves being at home and I wish I could be too, but unfortunately we neither one can afford to do that now.

It is good to hear other people with a story like ours. My hubby was laid off shortly before our daughter was born. Since my job was secure it made sence for him to stay home and me to keep working. Our daughter is now 20 months and we have a 5 month old son. It was a rough start, but Jason is an Awsome dad and does a great job taking care of the house. He takes care of the kids, does most of the cleaning, dishes, and puts away all laundry. ( He would do all the laundry, but I am picky :-) ) Somtimes he even cooks.

I am a teacher so I was home all summer and our son was born in August. I know he has a harder time this year with both kids, I have to keep reminding myself that men don't multi-task as well as women. I just don't understand why he can't hold the baby while he does everything else like I do.

It woudl be good to find a dad's group but we have no friends in the area with kids. This also limits both of us gettng any tiem to go out without the kids. We try to use Grandma a couple tiems a month, but she usually only wants one of the kids. AS they get older I am sure it wil be easier, but right now it is just to hard for her to have both kids. Anyway, it is good to read about other people in the same situation.

So nice to hear all of the same things our family has gone through. My husband & I made the choice to have one of us stay home about 4 years ago. And now he stays home with both of our boys. It is really hard to balance work and time for myself.

For the days I have to commute to our office I get up leave the house at 5:30 am and don't get home until after 4-6 pm. I'm glad I can work from home some days because it would be too much to handle if I had to do it everyday.

I try to make sure he gets as much down time as possible but there is hardly ever any down time for just me.

I feel like a veteran! My hubby has been a stay at home dad for 14 years. Our kids are 18, 14, and 13, and when it became evident that our middle son had special needs, we knew someone had to stay home full time. My career had more room for advancement, so we chose him to stay home at that point. We still love it - my career is going well, and our oldest two are boys, so they loved having dad home to coach sports and do guy stuff. My daughter is a bit of a tomboy as a result, but he's great at being a dad and taking care of the house.

My husband is a full-time PhD student and we're lucky that his schedule is flexible enough for him to mostly be home with our two-year-old son. We also supplement with babysitters and a Parents Day Out program when he has to take or teach classes. I work full-time as a reporter for an NPR station - which I love.

I honestly think I couldn't stay home - at least not for long - even if I had the option. I like working and I don't know that I would like being with children, even mine, all day. Still, I'm not sure what we'll do in the long-term - my husband hopes to get a teaching job and we would like to have another child eventually. We've talked about switching roles for awhile at some point so that I can get more education and be the dominant caregiver; but I see us both working full-time by the time our children reach school age.

The hard part for me is finding time for myself. As soon as I get home, the kids want to spend time with me and I with them. It seems so selfish to take an evening away from them (and effectively asking my husband to work "overtime") to go to the gym or a yoga class. I'd love to hear if anyone else has faced this and what you've done.

Lisa H.

I couldn't agree more. I feel guilty if I need to stay late or want to do anything personal that would require him to "work overtime". I haven't found a solution that works for us yet. So any other tips would be great.

The hard part for me is finding time for myself. As soon as I get home, the kids want to spend time with me and I with them. It seems so selfish to take an evening away from them (and effectively asking my husband to work "overtime") to go to the gym or a yoga class. I'd love to hear if anyone else has faced this and what you've done.

Lisa H.

Well, my husband understands that I need some time to myself too. I usually let him take a break in the evenings and do all the diaper changes and yelling. We both take some time on the weekends to do what ever we want to do leaving the other with the kids for a bit. I usually try to take one night a month to go out with the girls or whatever. The best though is when we can drop the kids off with Grandma for the night and we both get to go out, either together or separately. We have a wonderful support system that way and we usually get at least two or three of these a month. It does feel selfish sometimes to take that time but WE NEED IT. If you think about it, we moms work overtime every day so making him work overtime once a week isn't bad. Just remember that BOTH of us need that break or we will go insane.

The hard part for me is finding time for myself. As soon as I get home, the kids want to spend time with me and I with them. It seems so selfish to take an evening away from them (and effectively asking my husband to work "overtime") to go to the gym or a yoga class. I'd love to hear if anyone else has faced this and what you've done.

Lisa H.

Well, my husband understands that I need some time to myself too. I usually let him take a break in the evenings and do all the diaper changes and yelling. We both take some time on the weekends to do what ever we want to do leaving the other with the kids for a bit. I usually try to take one night a month to go out with the girls or whatever. The best though is when we can drop the kids off with Grandma for the night and we both get to go out, either together or separately. We have a wonderful support system that way and we usually get at least two or three of these a month. It does feel selfish sometimes to take that time but WE NEED IT. If you think about it, we moms work overtime every day so making him work overtime once a week isn't bad. Just remember that BOTH of us need that break or we will go insane.

It's great to read your stories -- mine is quite similar. My husband stays home with our boys, ages 3 1/2 and 1 1/2. We just relocated to NYC for my job, which I love and has more earning potential than his former job.

I agree it's a hard balance, but when I see how close my kids are to their dad compared to the kids of the men I work with......I know we made the right choice.

The hard part for me is finding time for myself. As soon as I get home, the kids want to spend time with me and I with them. It seems so selfish to take an evening away from them (and effectively asking my husband to work "overtime") to go to the gym or a yoga class. I'd love to hear if anyone else has faced this and what you've done.

My husband stays at home with my 2 and 4 year old. We have a sitter come in at 11:00 to take care of our 2 year old daughter and he goes out for the afternoon with my son. He doesn't do that well with two kids, but is getting better as the kids get older. He is extremely dedicated to them - always tries to make sure they have a great day.

I think the role reversal is harder on the man in many ways. It's been a struggle - he has mood swings and gets frustrated easily. It has taken a toll on our marriage, but we are on an upswing now. I'd love to hear others thoughts on how they manage with the role reversal!

I have a 6 month old. I went back to work at 7 weeks. It's been hard on my husband since he can't comfort her the way a mom can. But they are bonding and he does a fantastic job. We plan to homeschool. I'm in the same boat as Trish, I have more earning potential than my hubby. We like it this way and it works well for us.

The big key for my husband to be a really happy stay at home dad was to find a stay at home dads group in our area. They have playgroups and kids activities during the day, an active discussion forum similar to this, and Dad's Night Out. I'm curious to know whether your husbands are also in a similar group.

Hi, I'm a new member. My husband has been home with our 5yo since she was born. He's had a hard time of it sometimes and I think that it's the lack of community. Few of our friends have kids (and they don't live in the area) and when we looked for playgroups or parent support communities, they were all for moms.

We've pretty much decided that we can't have another child because we can't afford for me to stay home, and it would be bad for his pysche and our marriage if he had to stay at home. We're hoping that now that our child is starting school he will be able to go to work and help his self esteem that way.

I LOVE my job as a Graphic Artist. It is the type of job I could do at home, if I had a computer. The computer I would need is relatively expensive and the programs are not cheap either. I will someday have one and start my own freelance business. But for now, I have to drive to work every day. I work for a great, small printing company where I am treated like family and right now the pros outweigh the cons.

Hello, Trish and all other working moms w/ stay at home dads. Here is my story:

My husband and I have a 5 year old girl in Kindergarten and a new baby boy that was born in November. My husband has been home since our daughter was born, primarily because he didn't like his job or know what else he really wanted to do and I was enjoying/doing well in mine. When our daughter started preschool, he went back to school part time to become an accountant (instead of a history teacher - big shift). I'm heading back to work again next week while my husband will be home during the day and takes classes at nights. To make it just a bit more complicated my husband is visually impaired and so cannot drive. We manage that by him doing more around the house and I do the errands (or we do them together).

The big key for my husband to be a really happy stay at home dad was to find a stay at home dads group in our area. They have playgroups and kids activities during the day, an active discussion forum similar to this, and Dad's Night Out. I'm curious to know whether your husbands are also in a similar group.

Trish, I was wondering how you felt about your job. Do you enjoy your work? I'm curious if that is a contributing factor to how you feel about being the working parent.