Sunday, August 3, 2008

BREAKING NEWS

Green Bay, WI. (AP) ESPN has continued their record streak of making a story out of nothing today, the Associated Press reports. The cable network has overhauled their station to follow retired quarterback Brett Favre's reinstatement to the NFL since last June when he expressed interest in returning to the league. The story peaked last week when Favre received the headline story over the trades of two future baseball Hall of Famers. In recent days, however, lack of news has had many experts questioning both the ability, and willpower, for ESPN to continue with the story - questions which were answered in today's coverage.

Lacking any real news in days, ESPN had been forced to follow a trail of Favre's text messages between he and friends. As news became sparse, the network also paraded ex-players and unqualified "experts" to give long, sensational commentaries on the situation.

Favre himself attempted to help the network by giving interviews and sending text messages directly to reporters to avoid anyone at the station having to do any real work. Guaranteeing all eyes would be on him, Favre also threw former friends under the bus and put their jobs in question.

With vast experience in promoting prima donnas through the Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds and Roger Clements stories, ESPN jumped at the opportunity to pump up their hype machine around a player for the sole fact that they provide cheesy sound bites.

But the question remains how long ESPN can keep up their parade. When asked about the situation, one ESPN employee who wished to remain anonymous had this to say:

"There is literally no news. We have flip flopped our stance in supporting Favre and then supporting the (Green Bay) Packers to try to rehash any tired opinion - but the lack of news is frustrating."

When asked for a comment Brett Favre just waved his arms and screamed, "Look at me, I'm Brett Favre! I'm Brett Favre!" repeatedly. There was a brief incident when the camera attempted to film an ESPN reporter for a quick update, to which Favre repeatedly ran in front of the camera and began his tirade again.

If history repeats, the Favre saga will suddenly disappear, much like the Clemens, Bonds and Owens stories of years past. Viewers will most likely be left wondering how a story that consumed the entire network for weeks on end will suddenly not receive a single mention throughout the station's famous "SportsCenter" program. When asked about this fact, ESPN responded with the following statement:

We realize that the Brett Favre saga has little bearing on the sports world as a whole and that, in fact, even the people of Green Bay have little interest. When we feel the story has resolved we will run a series of Top 10 Lists glorifying players who's legend is much larger than their actual accomplishments and replaying tired sound-bites of player's and coaches' tirades.

No official word has been given on whether anyone actually gives a fuck.

Seriously? There should be a rule. Once you retire, you're done. Out. No longer a candidate. Time to find something else to do with your time (and money). It'll make pussy-pants athletes really mean it when they say "I'm done" and then get all the glory for retiring.

Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll try his hand at a new sport so then ESPN will having something new to report. Ooh I myself would love to see his attempt at curling, its a very technical sport I'll have you know.