Traditionally, my wife and I try to go away for a short break every birthday. Even if it's just for a night, the change of scenery is as much part of the celebration as the candles on the cake.

When we were in the early years of our relationship, my then girlfriend suggested that we combine a trip to watch my favourite football team with a night away. The fixtures were scoured and the weekend saw an away trip to Wycombe, which could be combined with a night in Oxford. We could watch the football on Saturday afternoon, head up the M40 for culinary delights, and then have a cultural day on the Sunday.

I'm now aware that any trip based around a sporting fixture is doomed to failure. The trip to Adams Park went smoothly but within 14 minutes we were 3-0 down. The remainder of the afternoon was spent appreciating profanities we didn't know existed.

Never mind - off to Oxford for our pre-booked B&B. This journey took more than two hours because, as well as being my birthday, it was also the start of the university term.

From the moment we set foot inside our B&B, we knew that this was a mistake. Underwear left on the stairs, socks and rice all over the floor of the room and a bathroom that wouldn't have looked out of place on a building site. The place, we now know, is known as one of the worst hotels in the UK, winning some sort of perverse award a few years back.

We could surely salvage something of the weekend with a nice meal and evening out. However, every recommended eatery was full, not only with proud parents and offspring but, as this was the year Bill Clinton's daughter started her studies at Oxford University, half the world's media too. Finally, we ate at around 11pm, by which time the food could have been cardboard and we wouldn't have noticed.

So to Sunday and the least eagerly awaited cooked breakfast of my life. The lasting memory is of a man who ordered tomatoes on toast, and seeing his face fall when he was given half a raw tomato on a cold slice of white bread.

We checked out and stepped out into the torrential rain that looked set for the day. Time to go home...Simon Pritchard, Newport

• Have you had a crap holiday ? If so, tell us about it. The writers of stories we publish will receive a Family First Aid Kit worth £20 from Boots (0845 070 8090; boots.com) for taking the sting out of minor holiday mishaps. Email crap.holidays@observer.co.uk