As Tears Go By

The airport is a great place to make observations. I was recently there, standing at my gate, waiting for the passengers from a late arriving flight to disembark. I’m the type of person who makes up life stories for each person I see. My grandmother always did this, too, and even though she was probably off the mark half the time, her ideas of people were sad but always lovely – she had great compassion and humanity for the world around her.

Eventually, they made the announcement that our plane was ready to board. Up to the front of the line moved an elderly couple with their two grandchildren, who were under the age of ten and would be traveling alone. I watched them say good-bye to their grandparents. I saw the extra long hug and squeeze that this elderly couple gave these two precious children, and the look in their eyes as they watched them walk down the gangway to the plane. They were waiting for them to turn around and wave one last time, but like all kids, they were already onto their next adventure and it didn’t occur to them to turn around for the final wave or the final eye contact.

As I watched this unfold, my eyes started to well up. I knew, or I thought I did, that the grandparents were looking at those two kids thinking, there goes a piece of us, there goes our gift to the future. They might have also been thinking, I hope that’s not the last time we see them, but I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what they were thinking. By the time you’re old and gray you know very well that life can turn on a dime, that all things are temporary, including your own existence. The clock is always ticking — and the sound of that ticking gets louder as we age. We become very aware of each experience, everything gets magnified because we know, very well, that it could be the last time we have that particular joy.

Anyway, the fact that I plug into what people are feeling is both good and bad. I didn’t see anyone else with tears in their eyes. Everyone else was going about their business. I think life would be much freer if I didn’t overwhelm myself with those observations. I’ve always been this way but it feels like it’s gotten worse as I get older. I can tear up at the drop of a hat. I hate saying goodbye to people because it feels so final. Maybe I’m just hormonal? I don’t know. Maybe this is just a fragile time in my life and so I feel things even more intensely. Or maybe it’s just the way God made me? I can’t say that I always love it. I don’t. It can be embarrassing.

Tears and, or, crying, can be quite cathartic and very cleansing. I have no problem watching other people cry, in fact, in some ways it brings me joy because I recognize it as such a human quality – it connects us to one another. I like to give people plenty of space when they cry. I don’t want to trample on the moment – if you say, “Are you okay?” too soon, you could interfere with the catharsis. Sometimes it’s best to take a back seat and let the other person’s tears do their thing. It takes some sensitivity to know when to say something and when not to. Obviously, not all tears are from sadness, sometimes we cry tears of joy. I do. I will say that some people get uneasy when they see people cry. I think some have a tendency to want to fix the situation immediately – it scares them and they want it to stop. It’s a very vulnerable thing, after all, to expose that level of feeling. It depends upon the way you were raised. If being vulnerable is a frightening experience, and you equate getting emotionally hurt with that level of exposure, then someone crying could definitely make you uncomfortable. But if you were raised in a home were people were free to emote and feel their feelings, you’re probably okay with it. Even though I was raised in dysfunction I will say that we were allowed to feel our feelings and express them any way we wanted –probably because it was total anarchy! In a family of girls/women, you can bet the tears flowed.

How do you feel when you watch people in your presence cry? What kind of things make you cry? Is the well dry, or do you cry? There’s no right or wrong answer here, we’re all different.

That’s how I feel. I have to remind myself while I’m crying that it’s okay, don’t focus on other people’s reactions, just have the feeling. It’s good. Sometimes in a dark movie theater I really let it go! haha!

Being a caring, compassionate, crying person are wonderful traits for anyone.. you are far from abnormal and the fact you are connected so closely to humanity is a gift.. Now dry your eyes..until the next observation 🙂

I forgot to say that I cry when I laugh, too!! Maybe, when all is said and done, I just have over active tear glands? haha! I do actually like crying and I like when peiople are sensitive enough to give a person room to feel their feelings. If you jump in too soon you can interfere with the catharsis, I think. Sometimes you just want to cry without having to explain yourself, you know what I mean?
Thank you Lynne, for your sweet comment. I know someone else who is closely connected to humanity and her name rhymes with Fynn. What can I say, I’m in a dumb mood today. 🙂

I have a similar memory from at least 30 years ago; I was at an airport and witnessed an elderly gentleman saying goodbye to his family, grandchildren in tow. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, and the family surrounding him was saying “it’s OK, dad…we’ll see you soon…” and I kept thinking “it’s not OK…you might not see him…give into the moment.” Not that is was my business of course, but that image has stayed with me all these years. I agree with you that this is an important topic; I think that people are unduly embarrassed by tears. I wish we could give each other permission to cry when we need to. I felt this keenly after my Mother died, and my blog entry ” I Call Your Name” alludes to the issue. I tried to write one expressly on this topic but the words didn’t come (I sounded rather preachy with my rallying cry to let people cry!). Thank you for writing this…it is nice to know I am not alone and maybe someday the words will come to me (the tears already do!). Best, Hallie

Hey Hallie,
I feel exactly what you’re saying. In fact, I just went back and added a little bit more after I read what you wrote. It’s not okay to crowd somebody when they’re crying – sometimes it’s best just to give a little acknowledgement of their pain, but without words. If people jump in too quickly they can destroy the moment and take away the cathartic part of the tears. It’s like a sneeze, no one likes to stifle a sneeze! It’s the same thing with tears. If you say “are you okay?” too soon it takes the person crying, right out of their emotion. Then the person crying ends up taking care of the other person’s feelings. NOT good. I believe it takes a great deal of sensitivity to know when it’s okay to go in. Yes, we all need to learn to go with the flow, so to speak, to get comfortable with whatever emotion is causing the tears.
I think as a therapist I’ve had to watch people cry so much that I see it as a good thing, a break through. It’s like hallelujah! I’m a weepy person anyway. I even cry when I laugh! LOL!
Thanks for your great comment. It was wonderful and spot on.
Lisa

Thank you! As I wrote on my post, I could see whenever I mentioned my Mom’s name (after her death), my friends’ eyes would look away as if they were afraid of me. It was unnerving, and I understood they were afraid of my emotions. But you are right…tears can bring such relief…and isn’t it an integral part of friendship to let true emotion ring through?! Thanks again for bringing up this topic (I also love that Marianne Faithful song…), Hallie

Isn’t it odd how people get weird with the topic of death? It’s such a natural part of life and yet it’s so awkward for some. I really don’t understand when people are afraid of emotions- wouldn’t that signify that they’re uneasy with their own emotions? It seems pretty unhealthy if you ask me. I’d like to say to everyone just let it go…
Yeah, that Marianne Faithfully song is great, but speaking of no emotions, she’s a little stiff in that clip, isn’t she? Lol!

Lisa, I do the exact same thing. I really think I absorb people’s energy. That’s why it’s difficult for me to be in crowded places, overwhelming sometimes. I, like you, have been very weepy/teary lately. I thought I was “beyond” it but it hits like a slap at times and I wish it wouldn’t. It is embarrassing and I don’t know why that is. When I’ve seen someone in public cry or upset, I’ve gone up to them and asked, “Are you okay?” They usually tell me some kind of story and I think, feel better, because someone noticed. As you did with that couple. I left my house yesterday after feeling really sick all week and my neighbor was out. He came up to me and hugged me; we’d not seen each other in awhile and he asked me “Are you okay?” I had sunglasses on but I swear I choked up and the emotion I felt was really overwhelming. I’m sure you are experiencing that because of your latest life stressor but I just have faith that it will get better.

But a part of me knows that it is me; I’ve always been this way. Hyper-sensitive of my own feelings and others. It’s a gift and a curse! Know what I mean? Maybe God did make people this way for a reason. God doesn’t make mistakes, right? Beautifully written my friend.

You’re kind, Brigitte. That couple I saw didn’t actually get as broken up as I did. In fact, I think I felt their feelings for them! lol! If they had cried, I might have just given them a knowing smile. I think it takes a very sensitive person to know when to say something and when to let it be. Timing is everything. I’m sure with your recent experience there were probably some people that you just wanted to back off a little. The worst is when you’re crying and people crowd your emotion while you’re in the throes of it and you end up taking care of their feelings. Not good. I was saying to Hallie, in her comment above, it’s like a sneeze. No one likes to stifle a sneeze, right? It’s hard to walk that line of being there for someone but not over-powering their feelings and taking them on yourself.
I’m sure it’s hormonal, it’s my current situation, it’s my age and also, just the way I’m programmed. It’s probably like this for you, too. There’s no doubt in my mind that we become more compassionate as we get older, and feel things more deeply. And, by the way, I cry when I laugh too, so I get it any which way I slice it. LOL!
Thank you, Brig, for that great comment!! xoxox

You know, Lisa, the fact that you said this:
“I’m sure with your recent experience there were probably some people that you just wanted to back off a little. The worst is when you’re crying and people crowd your emotion while you’re in the throes of it and you end up taking care of their feelings.”

It’s subtle, but I knew you’d know exactly what I’m talking about. The thing is, it’s always well meaning people but it does end up being a little too much about them, right? Hmmm… It’s hard to put it in words without sounding ungrateful but you and I both know what this is, I know we do.
And to the last part, yup. I am. 🙂

Your little smile or knowing acknowledgement would have been just the right thing. That’s usually the sensitive thing to do. More than that, and it becomes about you, not them. Lots of people make that mistake. Now if they were throwing themselves on the floor and hyperventilating through their tears I would’ve intervened. 🙂

I know you and so I know that those still waters run deep. You’re one of the kindest people I know, Guapo. You might not have “cried” for twenty-two years but you’ve felt every little bump in your path and everyone else’s path, too – of this I’m sure. 🙂

Lately, I haven’t been as emotional as in the past. I’m not sure why! At times I would cry at the drop of a hat. I still cry watching movies and I’m the oboe one crying, or so I think. Generally, I think it’s healthy when people cry and let it out, and don’t feel uncomfortable when I see people cry. I hope that d

To everything there is a season… My daughter never cried, then after she got married the flood gates opened. I think our emotions ebb and flow, for lack of a better phrase. There’s probably more that gets factored into it than we know.
I always think crying is a good thing, too. It feels cleansing and cathartic. It’s like a good sneeze – lots of relief and satisfaction can come from it. 🙂 I never want to interfere with someone when they’re crying because it could stop the flow. I think a slight knowing smile or some facial expression is probably more appropriate than asking a bunch of questions. Right?

Your story affected me on several levels. I think I’m becoming more emotional as time goes on, and tend to tear up at the drop of a hat. I’m a grandfather who hasn’t seen four of his six grandchildren for about four years. When I was 15, my little garage band must have practiced “As Tears Go By” (Stones’ version) at least 100 times. And then packed it in. If I had known you back then, (I’m sure you weren’t even born then) I would have said, “Let’s do one for the Gripper.” Great post.

Well, I was 3 and a 1/2 when that song was released! haha! I do love it. It sounds like you’ve got a lot of great memories attached to it. Might I just say, your comment is “…one for the Gripper!” Thank you.
Yes, I agree that we do become much more emotional as we age. Maybe we’re just so aware of that ticking clock — life becomes magnified in all its beauty. We don’t take things for granted anymore. It’s bittersweet, isn’t it?
Thanks again, He Who.

It depends, really. But if a friend starts to cry, you can be quite sure I’m pretty close to it as well.
I can imagine it makes life a bit ahrder when you are observating and imagining other people’s lives! Someone recently stated that we no longer care about other peopel’s feelings, and that we’ve become insensible for misery as long as it’s not ours. But I don’t think it’s that. I think it’s a sort of protection for ourselves. If you empathize every time, it will take you down I believe…
Don’t you think?

I agree. It’s much easier to put blinders on and not notice all the pain, suffering and heart break around you. This little couple didn’t fit into any of those categories – it was just such a universal feeling. Saying good-bye to grandchildren has got to be difficult. But I know what you’re saying – it’s simpler to mind your own business. Sometimes life creeps in and we can’t avoid seeing it, like on the nightly news, etc.
I cry easily – I don’t think I did as much at your age, either. It comes with time and experience. Something for you to look forward to! LOL! Only kidding.

Ha! It’s got to be in large part hormonal, right? It can’t be a coincidence. I think it just all starts to come together at this age. Life experience, our children, our age, etc. We just feel everything so deeply. It is unchartered water and it is best, I think, to just go with it. I don’t have the energy to fight it.
…kind, sensitive, caring, that’s who YOU ARE, AUDRA! You’re one of those people that have perfect emotional timing – you never crowd but I always feel your support. That’s a blessing. No wonder I love you. 😉

Great post mom! As you know, I didn’t cry for a long time. I never needed to and I just didn’t feel the connection to other people’s sadness. And now I’m able to cry more, but I still don’t do it that often. I don’t like to be overly emotional because it’s not who I am. It would be insincere to pretend that I cared about something that I really didn’t. That being said, I don’t feel weird when other people cry, I welcome it. It is, like you said, a natural human reaction to things.

Hey, remember that girl in the Chicago airport, the one who was solo and dressed a little bit fancy. Ouch. That’s the kind of thing that makes my eyes well up.
You don’t have to cry to be deeply feeling. Guapo said he hasn’t cried in 22 years, but I know him to be highly sensitive. It’s just the way a person is wired.

True. I do feel deeply for peeps. It all depends. I just hate when people around me cry and they look at me like, “Why aren’t you crying?” Umm because I don’t feel like it.

Aww yeah I remember that girl. But the thing is, they don’t feel sad for themselves so why are we making up story lines for them that are sad? lol She was probably happy to be somewhere new and different. 🙂

I am a lifelong easy crier, and it rarely takes much. Anymore, people just know that is how I am and they don’t question it. I have no problem with other people crying. I wish many would do it more often. Xoxo

One more thing we have in common… Yeah, as we get older it’s like the tears are just sitting there on the edge of our eyes, ready to go with the least provocation. I wish people would cry more, too, especially the ones I don’t like! Lol!!!
Have a good night!
Xoxox

I cry quite easily and moreso as I get older–it used to make me uncomfortable–but now I have come to terms with it — you seem to feel very deeply for people and so do I–it can be overwhelming but rather that then be a cold jerk

Haha! Exactly! What’s the alternative? It does seem to get more frequent and intense as you get older. I think it makes some people uncomfortable. I’ve learned to live with it by this stage of he game. 🙂

Hmm, I think I’m one of those people who feel uncomfortable watching others cry. It’s not discomfort at the emotion, per se, but at how I should best handle it. I’m not the most touchy-feely person, so I tend to try to talk people through their problems instead. When that doesn’t work…I confess I really don’t know what to do. And certainly, I’m not much of a crier myself; I especially don’t like other people seeing me cry. But I certainly understand your post, and there are often tears at parting, I agree, because of the uncertainty of the next meeting. My school year cried at our Leavers’ Prom. I remember years ago when I was moving countries, the extended family we had to leave behind in England cried at the airport. In both instances, I was the only one who didn’t – I’m pretty convinced this a result of some deeper psychological issue! 😛

I’d say that’s very common. Very. You probably didn’t grow up in an emotionally demonstrative home. That would explain why you feel uncomfortable with the whole spectacle.:) As someone who is a crier, I’ll just say it’s A-okay to just sit back. A great thing to do is observe what the person is feeling (sadness) and then verbally mirror back “you’re very sad.” OR “you’re so sad.” Believe it or not, this is actually the best thing anyone can do. It sounds so easy and simple, but it’s actually very therapeutic. It validates the person and makes them feel like their feelings are being understood. It also gives them plenty of room to keep feeling. It will help de-escalate the situation. Next time you get in an awkward situation with a crier just verbally mirror it right back to them. No fancy thoughts needed. Let me know the outcome. I think you’ll be pleased with this new tool for your tool belt! It works with anger, too. Just FYI. 🙂

I have a suspicion I could do the same while the hat is still in mid-air. Why are we wired up like this? It can get so embarrassing at times–especially when you’re in a really crowded place! Haha! But really, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know you would understand. 🙂

It’s just weird because there have been lots of times in my childhood where I can see myself as one of those grandchildren in the airport. It’s almost too late when I’ve discovered that those lip-quiverings my grandma did whenever we were about to embark is not because of something she ate but the result of holding back those tears…

I know what you mean about the memory of being a child. We’re unaware of what’s going on around us in terms of the emotions of others. Kids are so wrapped up in themselves. Obviously, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
I think you’ll see that by the time your my age you’ll be a weepy woman. Lol. I went to a cemetery recently and I didn’t even know any of the dead and buried and I could feel my eyes start to well up. It’s like what the heck is going on? It’s freaky.
But you’re right, I’d rather have it that way than be a cold unfeeling person. Brings on the water works! Anyway, I think some of us look pretty when we cry… Haha!

It is, isn’t it? It’s difficult and overwhelming to deal with your own feelings but when you add everyone else’s feelings on top of it it’s unmanageable. No wonder we cry! Haha!
Thanks for the kind comment.
Hope you’re doing well.
Lisa

I hope you are also doing well. In our situations, empathy is….well, a big pain in the butt. I really don’t want to feel compassion. And I certainly don’t want to feel doubt. Ah…but we’re both strong enough to deal with it. Lucky us.

The airport is such a strange transitional place, isn’t it. It’s like a weigh station for people, saying goodbye and saying hello… it’s like no other place.
Thanks you for that kind compliment, Millie, it means a lot coming from you! 🙂

Your post started like a bittersweet short story. It’s nice to know that, despite the best efforts of the dispassionate TSA, uncaring ticketing agents and the impersonality of renovated airports, an airport can still carry a real feeling of emotion.

Both knowing and not-knowing that it may be the last time you see someone are emotional experiences but on different levels. Knowing that it will be the last time gives an added layer of sorrow. Not knowing that it was the last time you saw someone gives an added shock. I’ve experienced both and don’t like either.

I’m sorry that you experienced both of those things. I have as well. The price of loving another person is pretty steep – the pain of loss can be unbearable. Standing in the airport and observing that long goodbye felt like it triggered something inside of me, thus the tears. I think the more life we live, the more likely we are to be moved by watching something like that.
I don’t like either of those experiences that you mentioned, and am very close to embracing the curmudgeon lifestyle.

Lisa – I LOVE this post. I do the same thing in airports. I and I love your words of advice when people cry. Let them cry. Say few words. I saw a grandma taking two grandchildren to the airplane gate a few weeks ago, and the grandchildren couldn’t care less. I had to turn my head.

There are many reasons to look away at the airport! Lol! I think I cry so much because I get triggered left and right. We’re now older and have enough built up loss to have that happen. Speaking of which…

I’m so sorry about your dad, Marya, so sorry. But at the same time I know you said he was in a lot of pain, so through our faith we can rest assured that he’s happy and free of his pain racked mortal body. Thank heaven we know what’s what. Right? It’s a blessing. Are you okay? Call me anytime. I wanted to call you but each day has been crappy. At least you have Craig to support you. I love you so much!!! HUGS and more HUGS to you and the fam.
Cousin Lisa

I love to watch people. I don’t always make up stories, but I’m always watching (um, sounds creepier than it is) and thinking: noting the nuances and subtleties as well as the very obvious things that jump out at me. Airports or New Orleans are the best places to watch. 😉 VERY nice piece Lisa. Bravo!

Thanks, Dawn. I was just thinking how easily I cry and recalled that recent incident. Yeah, airports are good because it’s a very transitional place for people – coming, going, hellos and goodbyes – it’s emotional. I’ll have to check out New Orleans! I’ve never been but I’ve always wanted to go. Thanks again, lady!

I ‘well up’..sometimes seeing someone who ‘if not homeless seems very vulnerable’…sometimes at church when singing and the words bring emotions for whatever reasons, sometimes when looking at a picture of days gone by …. and I am most definitely a people watcher…I try to imagine their lives and watch how people communicate with each other etc. etc. Diane

Diane, I’m exactly the same way. When I’m in church, the hymns often make my eyes well up.
It doesn’t take much for me. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels things so deeply. Sometimes it surprises me how choked up I get when I’m talking to someone and they’re telling a sad or tragic story. I think as I’ve gotten older, and had more life experience, it’s become more frequent. We’re all just struggling in this mortal life — sometimes you can feel the struggle when you’re with certain people. That’s when I well up. 🙂

How many planes do you take a year?! Last time I was on a plane was about two and a half years ago, I try to avoid them at all costs.

Most of my observations are usually:
If they’re children: They’ll no doubt grow up to be smack heads.
If they’re adults: I bet their children are going to grow up to be smack heads.
If they’re pensioners: I bet their children are smack heads.
If they’re hot women: I bet she’s a right whore in the sack.
If they’re hot men: I bet they’re gay.

LOLOL!!! You crack me up! Yeah, I’d say you have a low opinion of people. Just a little. 😉
I’m in the airport at least 7 or 8 times a year. Usually flying myself or picking up my kids. Good times. I just hope I don’t die in a plane. That would be my #1 worst way to go.

What a lovely lovely post Lisa and with a good laugh at the end!! I am a people watcher and story maker uper from way back!! I can go to the store for a loaf of bread and come home with a big story to tell about someone. I loved what you said about getting and hearing the clock ticking louder and enjoying the little things so much more! I certainly feel that myself. I also liked what you said about the children being onto a new adventure! What a sweet thing life is. Especially when told from your beautiful perspective, Lisa.

I think if we were at the airport together we’d have a lot of fun observing and making up stories. I’m the same way with regard to meeting people. One time I was at the playground and someone walked up to me and told me their whole life story! My husband used to look at me and wonder how that was possible, how I knew so many intimate details about everyone’s life, including the cashier at the grocery store! LOL! I guess you and I are both just very open and engaging.
I’m so glad that you felt what I was trying to communicate in that little story. Life is so precious. I know, YOU know it, especially since you’ve just welcomed two sweet babies into the world. Thank you, Linda, for always understanding what I’m feeling behind my words. xoxo

Ah Lisa! I just want to give you a big hug! xoxo We would have a ball at the airport! I think you’re right, we are open and I think people sense that we are accepting. I once was waiting to get my hair cut and an elderly lady was sitting next to me. She remarked on how cold it was even though it wasn’t nearly as cold where she was from in Montana. I asked her where she lived in Montana and it turned out she had gone to high school with my Grandma. We established that in three sentences!

Your post reminds me that we are all connected and when we take the time to pay attention, we can feel that connection. It’s the tiny bittersweet things that really matter. It’s always the ordinary days, the tiniest gestures that make the biggest impact on your heart. You are so gifted at capturing that in your writing, Lisa. The picture of those grandparents waving goodbye will always stick with me. xoxo

Linda I’m laughing that you established that your grandmother attended this random woman’s high school in Montana in three sentences!! LOL! I can SO relate to this! It’s like “Name That Tune.” I can name that life in 3 sentences. haha!

Thank you for your sweet comment, Linda. It is the tiniest of things that seem to have the most impact on our lives and if you’re not paying attention those things pass by so quickly. I’m both glad and sad that I saw the grandparents at that moment – it was a glimpse of the future, a heavy hearted moment. It’s always good to have that perspective. xoxox

“everything gets magnified because we know, very well, that it could be the last time we have that particular joy.”
I absolutely love this line. If every moment could be lived as if it were the last.
I love observing people and things too and converting them into comical stories in my head 🙂

I Know you to be an observer, Raunak. I remember that post you did about the older man on the train and how you ended up listening to his stories. You have a kind and open spirit. Okay, so sometimes things become comical, I relate to that, as well. 😉

It can be overwhelming experiencing others’ emotions but if the world had more empathy we would be three quarters of the way to solving most of our problems. What a wonderful piece that truly does show it is the little moments that make up the tenor of our lives.

Thank you, Nancy. Sometimes those little moments make the best posts. It is definitely overwhelming when you plug into other people’s emotions/lives. I’d much rather be empathetic and shed tears at inappropriate times than be without feeling. I feel like the blogging community, at least the one that I belong to, is kind and open and loving. I honestly had no idea that there were so many wonderful people around. Who knew they were all blogging?
Thanks for your great comment.

Leaking stress… That’s perfect. I cry when I laugh, too. You’re right about crying being infectious, I think it’s more that we probably plug into and are so moved by that raw emotion. we just get on board the crying train. Lol!
Thanks for the kind compliment. I try to be, at the very least, passable. There are so many truly great writers on here that I feel like an imposter. You, young lady, by the way, are one of them. 🙂

Crying to me is infectious at times. It’s kind of like watching someone yawn – sometimes you can’t help but to join in. I definitely cry during a good laugh and in those instances I like to consider my body leaking stress. It just feels good! You are a great writer!