Look, I enjoy watching fictional narratives play out on a giant glowing screen as much as anyone, but recently I've noticed that a few so called "classic" children's movies have HUGE plot holes in them that NEED to be discussed and complained about on the INTERNET, preferably in CAPTIAL LETTERS. Take, for instance:

1. Cars: Cars can't talk.

This is supposed to be a heartwarming tale about a cocky protagonist learning what really matters in life, right? Too bad the audience is COMPLETELY unable to focus on this aspect because, oh yeah, all of the characters are CARS, but they all somehow manage to speak PERFECT ENGLISH! I tried talking to MY car in English once, and all it did was sit there silently and remind me how LONELY I am!

2. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: Magic isn't real.

This movie starts out great when it looks like it's going to be about how to ostracize people who are weird and small. But then, all of a sudden, it turns out that the wimpy kid with glasses has MAGIC POWERS! Oh, wow, totally believable, except that MAGIC DOESN'T EXIST! I've known this ever since a magician came to my sixth birthday party and said he was going to pull a rabbit out of a hat but wound up just having sex with my mom.

3. The Fox and the Hound: In real life, it is impossible to overcome differences.

I haven't spoken to my brother in TEN YEARS because he thinks Paul McCartney is more talented than John Lennon, but I'm supposed to believe that a fox and a hound will IGNORE the roles society has already laid out for them and become FRIENDS? No way. Also, I REALLY MISS my brother.

4. Rookie of the Year: The Cubs are terrible.

Seriously, have you seen their record this year? It's pathetic.

5. Home Alone: The main character is clearly Macaulay Culkin.

A comedy about how funny it is when people get hurt? Sure, maybe if Kevin McCallister wasn't OBVIOUSLY a fictional human being portrayed by child star Macaulay Culkin in exchange for money! How are we supposed to care about anything that happens to this kid when he's just an ACTOR whose actions in the film will have NO REAL CONSEQUENCES? It's almost like the filmmakers want us to RELAX when watching this instead of OBSESSIVELY POINTING OUT ITS FLAWS, using up time and energy that would probably be better spent doing something like TRYING TO GET OUR PARENTS BACK TOGETHER after the MAGICIAN INCIDENT! But come on, that concept is almost as crazy as talking cars.