Pages

Family game night is a cross between a trip to the gynecologist and refereeing a cock fight in Guadalupe. It’s miserable and feels like it will never end. (Not that I’ve ever refereed any cock fighting or visited any Mexican town called Guadalupe.)

1.) No one can decide on what game to play. “I want Apples to Apples!” Other kid- “We played Apples to Apples last time, let’s do Guesstures!” Mom and dad don’t really want to do either, but drinking games are kind of inappropriate with a 9 and 12 year old.

2.) Dad won’t get off his laptop. Kid- “DAAAAD, you can’t be on Facebook while we’re playing!” Dad- “I’m not, I’m just keeping tabs on the news. I’m totally paying attention to you guys.” (NOT)

Generally I feel confident in my abilities to do just about anything. I figure if someone else can do it, then I probably can too. This is the attitude I had at 9-years-old when I decided the bar in my closet needed to be raised from little-kid height to normal-person height. I got my dad’s tools, removed the brackets from the wall, repositioned them, re-screwed them in, and replaced the bar. (Sorry, Mom.) I actually did a fine job and the bar is still holding strong today, level and everything. It’s the attitude I had when I decided to try galloping and jumping a horse for the first time, when I traveled alone through Kenya, and when we moved to the middle of nowhere and I decided I could just take Luke everywhere by bike.

My children are psychic. And by psychic, I mean that they have the uncanny ability to sense when something is going on that doesn’t involve them, and a specific knack for interruption that is driven entirely by a fear of missing out (FOMO, for the uninitiated). It’s like my children are already teenagers that are constantly worried that an awesome party is going on somewhere that they haven’t heard about. As such, I have compiled a list of the top ten things children can sense intrinsically are going on without them that they simply must interrupt.

Quick, he’s on to you! Eat them all at once!

Eating Candy:I have a ridiculous sweet tooth, and like the vast majority of children, so do my kids. There is one particular cabinet in my house, high beyond the line of vision of my children (even when they’re standing on the counter – don’t judge!), where I have asmall bountystashed away just for me. Without fail, anytime I manage to sneak a couple of gummy coke bottles or Twizzlers from said stash, my three-year-old, Inspector Sweets, materializes out of thin air, sniffing around and prying open my hands. “What’s going on over here? What are you eating? What do you have there? I smell something sweet!” He is truly talented and will make a fabulous detective someday, assuming the case involves something missing that is composed entirely of sugar.

I met the hilarious Leslie from I Blame Enjoli! when she participated in the Kansas City Listen to Your Mother show. This was the piece she read to close out the show and bring down the house.

Once heard that the
average toddler hears the word “no” over 200 times in one day.
Yeah well, who do you think is saying it? Remember that movie with
Bill Murray where he wakes up and keeps having the same day over and
over? Of course you do, if you are a mother, it is the story of your
life!

Like, amazing! Being a Mom is like the most amazing thing I’ve ever done. It’s totally better than divorce and doing nothing all day. My baby is amazing, especially when the baby nurse holds her.

So cool how so many of you are interested in what we’re going to name her. Like, duh! It’s totally going to start with a “K.” She’s part of the brand now. I’m thinking we name her “Kalabasas,” because that’s the best city in the state of Los Angeles, but Kanye wants to name her, “Ka-ching!” He says it’ll rhyme better when he makes an angry rap about her and banks a ton of cash. But I’m like, “Why rap when you can just film her doing nothing?” Anyways, it doesn’t really matter what either of us think. We’re a family now. That means my Mom and Ryan Seacrest get to decide.

Last week I was trying to think of a Mother's Day present for my mom.
I'm 41 years old now and a macaroni necklace just doesn't have the same
impact it used to 35 years ago. I felt like every gift I was thinking
of was a crappy gift, so I asked my readers on Facebook to tell me the
worst Mother's Day gift they ever received just to make sure those
weren't the ones I was considering. I got the usual responses of
Dustbusters, brooms, step stools, tools, and irons. However, as I
scrolled through the hundreds of answers, I noticed the same gift
popping up over and over again.

I am getting older. I find a grey hair on occasion, and the lines in my face are much more pronounced than they were just a few years ago. My butt is wider and flatter (this may be due to blogging and not aging) and my hands look old. I didn't think it was possible for my boobs to get any smaller, but they have. After the nice sized milk bags I got to wear for a couple of years, this particular disappointment is the hardest pill to swallow. I don't look terrible, but I'm only turning heads these days when I let a swear fly somewhere inappropriate. I never get a "How you doin'?".

It's fine, though. Except for the fact that I am not as fit or active as I would like to be, I am happy with the way I look. I like myself much more than I ever did before having kids changed my body, and I am comfortable in my mid-thirties, mom skin. Having kids and getting older has actually had a positive impact on my body image, and I am both realistic and content. 1. While my husband is at work, and I am home with my three year old and five year old, I am the strongest, fastest, and tallest person in our house. As a fairly weak, slow, and short individual, this is quite a departure from real life for me, and I like feeling like a giant. I am also the smartest (barely), and while this has nothing to do with my feelings about my physical appearance, it makes me feel good. I am definitely not smarter than a fifth grader, but I could beat the shit out of my kindergartner and preschooler at Jeopardy. Probably.

2. I have been fighting my hips and my pear-shaped body for as long as I can remember. Seeing a miniature version of my body on my perfect three year old daughter makes a lifetime of self-loathing melt away. If she is perfect just the way she looks, than I must be, too. I am just the way God made me. God and Hershey's. And Doritos.

3. Scars, stretch marks, and loose skin are the graffiti of motherhood. It may not be traditionally refined, or considered classical art, but it's beautifully flawed and unique. A masterpiece to be admired.

4. A body that housed humans is something to be proud of. Something to be respected. Even when your teats look like that of a retired breeding dog.

5. My hair has been in a ponytail for the better part of six years. When I finally get my ass to the salon and get a great cut, I strut around like I'm the hottest bitch on the planet. I hold my head high, and pull off hair flips worthy of a Pantene commercial. Before kids, a great cut made me feel good, but it didn't change my life. Now, it's the nicest thing I do for myself, and I feel amazing.

6. I have never liked heels. I like that they make me taller, but I've never been able to walk properly, and they hurt my feet. I do, however, like the way they look in my closet. Now that my work clothes are actually park and play date clothes, my heels stay where they belong. Off of my feet, and in my closet.

7. My children say endearing things like, "You're so snuggly" and "You give the best kisses" which make me want to eat them whole. And when I jokingly ask my son after a day of volunteering in his classroom, "What did your friends say about me? That I'm the coolest, nicest, and prettiest mom?" he gently replies, "No. Every kid thinks their mom is the coolest, nicest, and prettiest." And I smile, and squeeze him and kiss him until he begs me to stop.

8. My daughter is full of affirmations. She stands next to her father while he unclogs the sink saying, "Good job, Dad. You're doing great!" and she affirms me, too. "You look pretty, Mom." "You make delicious tomato soup (from a can), Mom. "You are my very best mom." I may be coming in first in a competition of one, but I'm still winning, dammit. And it feels great.

9. Since my daughter is still young enough to compare me to any brunette, I like to leave my People magazines around so she can point to the Jennifers (Garner, Lopez, Lawrence, sometimes Aniston) and comment on the incredible likeness. Instant ego booster.

10. I am surrounded by people who love me. Children who see my flaws as part of the mom they adore, not things that make me a lesser person. My husband loves and respects me, and still wants to nail me any chance he can get. Even though my body has taken a beating the past six years, I feel better about myself than I ever did before kids.

More About Amy: Amy and her husband made two kids, a three year old girl and a five year old boy. She does not consider herself a housewife, as she owns no pearls and only one apron. Amy has been featured on several parenting sites, and is a contributor to the best-selling book, I Just Want to Pee Alone. You can find her laughing at the absurdity of parenting on Facebook and Twitter, and pinning things she’ll never do on Pinterest. She writes embarrassing stories about herself (and her family) at Funny is Family.

I know, it comes as somewhat of a surprise because I haven't been talking much about it lately.

Pfft.

Even I can't say that with a straight face. HA!

So many people have asked me over the last week or so questions like "So, who else is in the book?" and "What are the other essays like?" and "Do I really have to buy it or are you just going to give me one?" I have spent time trying my best to describe the amazing level of talent that I get to rub shoulders with in I Just Want To Be Alone. I have said things like, "These ladies are hilarious!" and "Do you know the blog People I Want To Punch In The Throat?" and "Just buy it and read it. You'll see what I mean."

But I feel as though my explanations have not done the book justice and I've been trying to come up with a way to introduce some of the bloggers in the book in a way that is amusing, relatable and that hasn't been done by the other gals. Some of the Super Cool Lady Writers have done lists of the Worst Pick Up Lines Ever Heard and Ways To Be A Good Wife. Others have super fancy PicMonkey powers and have been generating no joke, legit looking memes that hit the nail on the head. One gal is even promising to show her lady bits in the drive through window of Starbucks if we make it to the NYT Best Sellers List.

I don't know how to use PicMonkey.

I haven't had someone use a pick up line on me in years.

I'm not going to Starbucks naked because, well, I'm not crazy.

I do, however, watch lots of TV. Well, not lots because my husband refuses to pay for cable and we have an antenna that works on every alternate Tuesday. So, basically, if it's on Hulu, I watch it. And, after Sunday's SHOCKING episode of The Good Wife (*sob*), it got me to thinking: what TV show would the Super Cool Lady Writers say their essay most resembled?

So I asked them "What TV show is your essay most like?"

When I say *asked*, I mean I bugged them like a kid sister following the cool senior girls around town. This group is a seriously legit gaggle of writers and, for a newbie like me, I'm still shocked they let me sit with them at lunch and that no one has stolen my lunch money. Yet. Fortunately, they didn't stuff me in a locker and they weren't too cool to give this girl some pretty amusing answers.....

Amy at Funny Is Family: "24. It accounts for every second and you don't know if everyone will survive." Her essay is about her hands on husband. Jack Bauer? Not so much...

Deva at mylifesuckers: "Lost. As in my husband pretends to be lost but really it is just a big evil conspiracy. Also, Lost is his favorite show. Coincidence? I think not." Her husband really does get lost. A lot. And seemingly on purpose....

Nicole at NinjaMomBlog: "Hmmmmm....Seinfeld? It's kind of about nothing." She's right. And she manages to make "nothing" hilarious. I hate her.

Stacy at Nurse Mommy Laughs: "A cross between The Bachelor and Duck Dynasty." Internet dating has never been funnier....

Abby at Abby Has Issues: "I would like to say "Sex and The City" since I'm single and it's about wanting to just sleep alone but that would be unrealistic to think I'm paid enough as a writer to afford even one pair of Carrie's shoes/a NYC apartment and I don't have a nicotine habit or sex swing like Samantha. Sadly, it would probably be more CSI in that I would be trying to figure out clues on how to get them the hell out of my bed." Abby really does have issues. So do we, she says. She has more.

Courtney at Our Small Moments: "The Amazing Race. Or Friends since they were all young and dumb like us." The first year of marriage...what you should know.....

Meredith at The Mom of The Year: "Duck Dynasty. Except sans Miss Kay's patience...or cooking skills. And instead of ducks, it's bees." Meredith actually lived a not so secret life. With bees. Bless her heart.

I hope this gives you a little insight into what you are in for when you pick up I Just Want To Be Alone for yourself. And your mom. And your sister. And your Best Friend. And that Girl Who's Stupid Bridal Shower You Have To Go To Even Though You Hate Her And Her Stupid Squealy Voice ("....and the dresses are adorbs!"). And the Cashier at Target you see three times a week.

You get my point.

Buy the book RIGHT HERE. I made it so easy. Really. I'm a giver that way.

There's something for everyone. Even someone like me who can only get PBS every alternate Tuesday and when it's not overcast.This originally appeared on Keeper of the Fruit Loops.I am the Keeper of The Fruit Loops, Manager of the Fecal Roster and Driver of the People Mover. In other words, I’m a mom. I’m an Erma Bombeck Martha Stewart with a Roseanne twist and I have the mouth and organized cabinets to prove it. I blog about my life with a husband and two fruit loops and I have a fairly decent following on Facebook and Twitter. And by fairly decent, I mean 526 Facebook fans who think I’m hilarious and 108 Tweeters who ignore my tweets. I also Pin things on Pinterest like it’s my job. My husband regularly laughs at my jokes (well, more of a 70/30 split, really) and people usually laugh loudly at me during PTA meetings.

I have big news, everyone! Remember last year when I put out the anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone? Have you read it yet? Yes? Great. Thank you. Did you leave a review yet? Because those things are ridiculously helpful to me and the Kick Ass Bloggers. Have you never read it? Why not? What are you waiting for? Are you new here and you've never heard of it? Well, first of all, welcome and second of all, you're going to want that book, so here's where you can get it. Plus, it's on sale, because the powers that be at Amazon deemed it so and I have no idea how long this sale will last, so you might want to hurry.

Because IJWTPA was such a fun thing and a great success I decided to do another one! Last time we wrote about our kids and never being able to pee alone. This time it's the men in our lives who just won't leave us alone. I don't know about you, but I crave me some alone time. I need it like men need sex. I just want a good book, a hot cup of tea, and an hour to myself. Hell, even twenty minutes to wander aimlessly through the aisles of Target alone without the Hubs saying "We don't need curtains" or "Skip the shoe aisle, we're on a time table here" or "Haven't you spent enough already?" would be fantastic.

1. Just picture it; you finally get to take that nice, hot shower you have been thinking about taking all morning. You get in, oooohhhh, the water feels so nice! You start washing your hair. At this point your head is covered in lather, and your eyes are closed to prevent the scalding of the eyes by the shampoo. You hear the door open and you think to yourself, "Oh, he must be coming in to try to catch a glimpse of my hotness" (that does happen at your house, doesn't it?). Then you feel the curtain open. The cold blast of bathroom air seeps in and you think, "Damn, couldn't he just wait till I get out of the shower?” You rinse your hair just as the snickers begin. You start to think "You asshole, you sneak into MY shower, and now you’re going to laugh at me? I know things just aren't where they used to be, but DAMN! I have given birth to 5 of your offspring, the least you can do is keep your damn giggles to yourself!” You get your eyes cleared of all the poisons, and then you realize...your 2 year old is laughing at you. Awesome.

I need a translator. Even though my kids and I speak the same language, apparently we don’t speak the same language.What I say: “Let’s go, please, we’re running late.”What they hear: “We have all the time in the world. Yes, you can watch 6 more shows. And please, definitely take an hour to pick out your clothes. While you’re at it, don’t forget to dump your milk on the table, ask for three more breakfasts, and tell me you have to poop as I’m opening the front door to leave. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

What I say: “It’s time to clean up.”What they hear: “It’s time to play and make an even bigger mess around here. Don’t worry, I’ll clean it all up later when you suddenly develop a sick tummy and a leg that feels like it’s going to fall off. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”What I say: “Please be quiet for 2 minutes while I’m on the phone.”What they hear: “Please scream at each other in voices that should only be used if you’re being chased by a bear, and use this time to ask me 101 questions about why we have fingernails. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

Well, it's 2014 and it's time to set some writing goals. Problem is, we obviously took too long of a break over the holidays, because today we can't write anything.

Are you a writer who can't write? Is your brain a jumble of things you'd like to get down on paper, but you can't? Or worse, is your mind a big black hole with nothing in there except a deadline looming over your head?

We've all been there, haven't we? Just today this exact topic came up between my fellow Kick Ass Bloggers and we all started sharing our best tips to beat the block.

When we were done, we realized we had some really great words of wisdom that should be shared with the world. So here we are. Hopefully, something will work for you. If it doesn't, just know you're in the same boat as a bunch of us.