Fried Chicken, Football, and Country Music.......A Memoir of a California Girl in Alabama

Friday, March 9, 2012

One of my
past posts I examined my life at the time asking if I was truly happy and the
answer was, I wasn’t. I said I would re-examine my life and come back to this
and that time is now. Readers luckily for you (and me) I think I’m truly happy
right now. Of course I know that this will change for a short while sometime in
the future because one cannot simply be happy all the time. There are too many
hardships in life to go throughout life not being sad or upset, but for right
now I will cherish this feeling and this moment and live life to the fullest. I
have amazing friends in both Alabama and California and while I am excited to
spend the whole summer with my friends in California, I am deeply upset that I
will go three months without seeing my Alabama friends. Hopefully there will be
a visit in during the summer that will hold me over until August.

I am also truly happy with my choices in college. I’m finally
starting to get back into the old routine of harder classes, stress, and
starting to get involved and shape the campus the way I think it needs to be. I
was recently admitted into the honors college and applied to be on the Academic
Honor Council. I was also inducted into the honor society Phi Eta Sigma and am
looking forward to getting very involved with them. I feel like the shock of
being in college is over and a routine is setting in which, as most of you
know, is how I live my life. I love my routine and I was missing the old
Kathryn that I had developed in high school. Yes college has changed me and I’m
finally figuring out who I am and what I want (at least I think I am) but I was
missing something in my life. I have lots of friends at Alabama and making new
ones all the time so that aspect hadn’t changed, but I was sailing through
college with no challenges. I need challenges in order to grow as a person and
to keep me busy. In my academic life and social life I am indeed the happiest I
could be right now.

When I last wrote on happiness it was mostly about a guy I
was dating. It wasn’t that he treated me bad, but I needed and deserved better.
Unfortunately finding someone who is perfect for you takes a lot of trial and
error I have learned and well I have definitely experienced that, maybe too
much. I mean yes I’m 19, I’m not looking for my soul mate right now but having
someone to call mine would be nice. I’m ready to be serious. My mom keeps
telling me that college is all about just dating and having fun, except I feel
I have done my fair share already. My heart has been hurt, not broken, too many
times and I don’t like just dating. Being in a relationship for 3 ½ years and
then dating a number of guys so far has taught me that while it is fun in the
beginning to just date, I want something that will be long term. I need someone
who is not going to give up when things give up, someone who will be there
constantly for me. That doesn’t happen when you’re just dating a lot of guys. I
want to be able to form a bond with someone that is so strong nothing can break
it, which is what I had with my last boyfriend. This took time and guys in
college don’t want to put in the time it seems like. The guys I have dated have
gotten better and better each time and have taught me a lot about what I want
and need in a relationship which, while some of these hurt a lot, was needed in
order for me to grow as a person and grow up. Right now I have found someone
that I think can fulfill everything I need and more, but it is still early.
Honestly, I am scared out of my mind because letting someone else in can mean
hurt yet again, or it can turn into something wonderful. I haven’t told really
anyone but him my true feelings and I haven’t told my friends much about him. I
want to keep him my little secret and let this grow. I feel that is where I
messed up in the past; too many people knew too many details. A relationship is
something that not everyone needs to know about and I think by keeping this one
somewhat quiet (not really know since everyone can read this) it can last and
turn into something great. Don’t worry, I will keep y’all informed as much as I
feel necessary, but he truly makes me happy. I haven’t been this happy or
excited about a guy since my last boyfriend.

In every aspect of my life I am happy and I hope it stays
like this for a while. My life could not get any better. To everyone out there
that is not as happy as I am in any aspect of life, really sit down and
evaluate your life. That’s what I did and I realized that I could be a lot
happier and I was settling. Never settle and never postpone happiness because
no one wants to wallow in sadness knowing their life could be so much better.
You are in control of your life, so close your eyes and take that leap as I
have many times into the deep water of the unknown because when you come to the
surface you will find happiness. You may need to swim further than you thought,
but just keep swimming up. Everyone deserves to be truly happy.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Along with "never postpone happiness" I also live by the quote "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". Some recent events in my life though have made me really contemplate this though. Is this something worth living by? Or by living by this am I living a lie, some fantasy land? Do I need a reality check? Honestly movies like Dear John, The Notebook, and The Vow don't help me at all. They don't really help guys and girls in general. They give girls a false sense of hope that guys really do act like that (and look like that, dear god I wish) and for guys it's worse because now there is a standard for them to sweep girls off their feet and act and say the sweetest things. Reality check ladies, that doesn't happen. I'm not saying this because I'm a lonely college student who is surrounded by happy couples because that is the opposite. I've had many guys in my life this past year (some have been good, some have been bad) but I've learned a lot about what I want and need in a guy. Like my best friend says, it's like trying on a prom dress: you thought it looked good in the store, but when you got to prom you realized it wasn't the most flattering. Believe me I've tried on lots of prom dresses, so far all of them have been ugly. In this sense, I'm glad that I "loved" (not fallen in love but I'm just quoting the quote)﻿ and "lost" because it has taught me a lot of things about myself. I've realized it's good to be picky, don't just throw yourself at a guy because he's giving you attention. For only being 19 I do think I know a lot about relationships. I was in a fantastic one for 3 1/2 years and that alone taught me a lot and I gained a lot that my peers in high school didn't because they went from guy to guy to guy. Relationships take two people and they take a lot of work. I'm realizing now that a lot of the guys don't want to or don't think they can put in the work and effort it takes. If you really want something then you are going to try your hardest to get it. If you really want a relationship to work out and last then you should try really hard to make it work and make it last. People are just lazy or don't see that with all the stress in their lives, a relationship might be something they need. Yes you do need some time for it but having someone there who you can talk to about anything is a great outlet for stress, sadness, anger, or happiness. Having someone there that is understanding if things come up is great to have too. I don't understand why people think a relationship takes up your whole life because it doesn't and it shouldn't. You can be involved in other things and be busy and you should know the person your in a relationship with will stand by you and be there for you no matter how busy you get. If they aren't willing to do that, then they aren't worth it.

So far I'm convincing myself that it is better to have loved and lost, but what about the heartbreak that goes along with it? That is by far the worst part, especially when you know things are ending you sit idly by and watch things unfold. This pit in your stomach wants things to end but your willpower won't let you give up easily. Is the pain worth it? Why bother trying if there is a possibility of getting hurt yet again? If you don't love then there isn't that pain or the chance of pain at all, but there is a chance of lonliness and a part of your heart that will never be filled. Should the decision be based on each person you "love", strictly yourself and your personality and beliefs, or should this be dealt with on a more broad basis?

With each "love" and each "loss" my heart hardens more and more and I let less and less people in. It gets harder for the next one to get close. I guess now I'm afraid of getting too close because with everything there is an end, it's just a matter of when. It's still early and things could change for the better, but it really isn't looking too good. Maybe I better move on to the next one and continue to live by my motto. By "losing" I do get to know myself more and more and figure out what's best for me and eventually the pain dulls. With each passing guy I feel that maybe this is a sign that I need to go back to what I know, but I'm not sure if I can or if that is a smart idea. In the words of Sara Bareilles "have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?" I guess only time will tell and we'll see how all of this unfolds but I'm praying for the best. In the end of all this I will still live by my motto and continue to "love" and lose until I find that right someone that fulfills all I need and want and is my perfect match.

Monday, February 6, 2012

So this weekend was very uneventful since I was ahead on all my homework and didn't need to start studying for my economics test this week. Instead I decided to catch up on my reading and the 5th season of Jersey Shore. I know what you are thinking......how can she read a fantastic book and then go watch that mind numbing show?!? Believe me I was asking myself the same question.

Currently I am reading a book called The Power of One which is about apartheid in South Africa. I watched the movie whilst in geography in 9th grade and I realized it was a book a few years later. Thanks to Borders closing I'm now the proud owner of it! So far it is has been very good and has given me a lot of incite into life and I have some lessons that I need to incorporate into my life. This one will most definitely be highlighted. As I sit there reading chapter upon chapter and enriching my mind I get tired of processing information. What is then next best thing? Turn on Jersey Shore of course!

Yes, I will admit I used to be an avid watcher of Jersey Shore and lived for "Jerseday" or Thursdays when the show would air. For those that live under a rock, or just don't pay attention to pop culture, Jersey Shore is about a group of people that are all from New Jersey that live together in a house and are paid to party, drink, cause drama, and have sex. Yes, I know my mind is becoming mush as I type this. As stupid as this show is, it is very addicting! The people do and say the dumbest things but I get to live their life every Thursday when I watch it. I would never want my life to actually be like theirs but it is nice to have a fantasy, hence an obsession. I don't have a TV in my dorm so I have not been an avid watcher this season but I decided to start watching this weekend since I have nothing else better to do. I quickly realized how stupid it really is. I knew the show was dumb all along but I ignored the fact and just laughed as Snooki fell on her drunken ass in the middle of the boardwalk. Watching the first episode of Season 5 make me realize that these people have no lives and are going no where! This can only last so long and everyone is so annoying! Especially Mike aka "The Situation". The man is 30 and all he does is cause drama, oh and GTL (gym, tan, laundry). The guys on the show are high maintenance and just goof around. What are we teaching young boys of America? That they have to have ripped abs, party every day, and sleep with as many women as possible? My future son will not think those values are acceptable to possess. I honestly know guys that don't think all aspects of the Jersey Shore lifestyle ok but they think some are. They have become obsessed with their bodies and what they look like and it's a bit ridiculous. Girls do the same thing, but we have been doing it for years. This is a new trend among guys that will eventually begin to hurt them as well. Look at what it has done to girls? Suicide, anorexia, and bulimia rates have all sky rocketed because we don't think we are pretty enough and we never will be. The same thing will happen to guys and it's all due to these "juice heads" on the Jersey Shore.

These stupid reality TV shows like Jersey Shore are ruining teenagers minds. Teenagers don't read anymore, most find it repulsive and would much rather watch TV or play xbox. It doesn't help that literally every book under the sun is turning into a movie. The most common excuse now is why read it when I can watch it? Why waste a week or two of my time reading when I can waste 2 hours max watching the movie and get the same thing out of it? BECAUSE YOU CAN'T PEOPLE!!!!!!!! Watching the movie and reading the book are completely different! You can't get the in depth character and plot development and most movies leave pieces out because they can't fit everything that our decreasing attention spans can handle. In order to fully understand something you must read it. I don't understand the people that don't like to read. Reading gives you imagination and transports you to different places and times in history or made up places. It puts you in situations you could never dream about being in. Learning to read was such a milestone when we were younger; once we could read, we could conquer the world. You felt superior when you finally learned how to read and the superiority kept growing when you could read harder books than your classmates. Literacy is one of the best gifts God could have given us, and some people don't have the ability to. I feel awful for those that can't read because they cannot experience the joy I get when I pick up a book and I'm transported into a whole new world. Don't give up on reading and don't give into these shows that people call TV. I'm not saying that I won't stop watching Jersey Shore, but one thing is for sure: I will never stop reading.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

I found this quote some time ago and I have been meaning to write a post about it, but in some sense I have had fear, fear in writing it. Do I know what it is like to be fearless? Hell no. How am I suppose to express my feelings about this quote if I can't even demonstrate what it means? I guess it is more of a life lesson that keeps changing as life and experiences take their toll on us. Alright, so I shall dive in and try to tackle this one. Am I scared? Yes, but we'll see what my fingers type and hopefully I can do this justice.
As I stare and re-read the quote over and over again nothing comes to my mind. It gives me so many instructions that I want to follow, but not sure if I have the courage or the ability to. Isn't that the ironic part? I'm scared of a quote that is telling me to not be scared. I guess lately I've been struggling with being fearless. I need to speak up and tell people what I'm thinking but there is something that has been holding me back. Not sure what it is, but it's the reason I pushed someone away. Granted it worked out for the better, but beating myself up for weeks about why I could not get the words out was not fun. I guess I didn't believe in myself and my ability to think and speak intelligent words. Diving straight in as it says can be so scary! This quote has pretty much taken everything that I am afraid of and told me not to be afraid of it........easier sad than done! It has been so frustrating that I have not been able to just dive straight into life. Living this quote everyday will be one of the hardest things I do this year. It's not just thinking about what the words mean, but knowing and putting them into action. The past week I feel I made the right decisions and my fear went away a little, but there is still part of me that is holding back. The biggest question is why???? WHY???? I want to let other people in but once again it's the "s" word........scared. I wish being fearless was easy. I guess if it was easy there would be nothing to fear in life and life would be pretty damn boring. It is time for me to make a splash and change how I view myself; only then will I be fearless. I will be revisiting this quote in the future and re-evaluating my life and comparing it. Hopefully the next post about it will be VERY different and I can finally be fearless, at least for the time being.

Monday, January 30, 2012

So I'm really sorry that I have not had time to blog, believe me I am very mad at myself. I decided that because I'm sharing what I love, I might as well share why I'm at school. I want to teach US History and this is my first college history essay! You really don't have to read this if you want to but it's something I'm very passionate about. Enjoy and I will post something more interesting this week......Promise!

Why
Should I Care What the Dead Did?

Although many people do not often consider what our
forefathers and ancestors did, history can teach many lessons. If we look back
at past accomplishments and mistakes, we can learn a significant amount about
the past, but also about our future and how to change it for the better. In
order to fully appreciate “what the dead did”, society needs to look at the
mistakes made, to learn from them, and take heed from warnings. Also, we must
grow and learn from what “the dead” discovered in order to make our future a
better place.

History can show us the mistakes that people have made
and how we can learn from them. These mistakes, when repeated and not followed,
proved detrimental to society. When Napoleon Bonaparte was the leader of France
he began his quest to conquer Europe. In June 1812, Napoleon decided to invade
Russia, thinking there was adequate time to defeat Russia and get out before
the deadly winter. Napoleon underestimated the intelligence of the Russian army,
and as the Russian army retreated, they burned cities and towns so Napoleon’s
army could not stay warm or get food. Eventually, the harsh Russian winter hit
and Napoleon’s Army had to retreat. He lost countless soldiers and sulked all
the way back to France. Again in 1941, another world leader tried to take over
Europe. In June 1941, Hitler decided to invade Russia. Like Napoleon, Hitler
too eventually faced Russia’s deadly winter and was forced to retreat back to
Germany, losing many men along the way. Events during World War II could have
been dramatically changed if Hitler had avoided the winter. Hitler’s repeat of
Napoleon’s mistake is a great example of why we must analyze our history in order
to make informed and smart decisions. Another example is George Washington’s
Farewell Address, published in 1796. In his speech he warned the young United
States to stay away from bipartisan politics because of the divisive nature and
distraction for the government. Washington’s warnings were not heeded and today
our political system is in shambles. Each side is so strong in their political
beliefs that compromise is almost impossible. The good will of the United
States is in jeopardy and threatens our growth as a world leading nation.
Listening to George Washington, one of the best leaders in US history could
have caused a different climate in our political system. Just because our past
world leaders are dead, does not mean we should not listen to them. Studying
historical mistakes can lead us to a brighter, better future if we do our
research and heed their warnings.

“The dead” can allow us to grow and learn from what they
discovered in their lifetime in order to make our lives easier and better. The
Industrial Revolution brought about many technological advances that have
drastically shaped the world we live in today. From the Industrial Revolution,
the world received the first steam powered engine created by James Watt. This
fantastic invention really improved the textile industry, making it possible to
create more goods at a faster rate because human and animal power was not
relied on. Also the Industrial Revolution prompted many work rules and
regulations in factories. Upton Sinclair’s book “The Jungle” shed light onto
the horrible conditions of the meatpacking industry, which then led to many
health reforms in the factories. Although that was not the intent of the book,
Sinclair dramatically shaped the way our food factories should be run in order
to ensure the health and safety of the workers as well as the consumers.
Without these great men our world could have continued to wallow in disease,
sickness, and uncleanliness and our health could have been severely
jeopardized. The inventions and regulations that came about during the
Industrial Revolution helped lay the foundation for innovations and inventions
today. Without those original inventions we would not have a strong
middle/working class and our economy would not have thrived. Without the
factory rules, food and products would not have become safe to eat or use and
our workers lives would be in danger. Listening to “the dead” has made our
world a much better place and by continuing to follow in their footsteps our
world can continue to grow and make reforms that will better our lives.

Studying
history’s successes and failures will allow our future to be better off and we
can avoid making the same mistakes. Building upon what has already been
invented can only better our economy and our well-being as we are being
propelled into the 21st century at full speed and technology is
changing every day. By taking the knowledge that we already know and applying
it, our future can only get better.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Music has been a part of my life since I was little and now as I have matured so has my love of music and it's meaning to me. Music is the keeper of my emotions and gives good advice as well. Sometimes I feel as if my ipod is connected to my brain and it knows what song to put on at just the right moment. Music allows me to escape from the real world and enter a world where words mean more than what is being sung and silly dots and lines on pages turn into beautiful stories and masterpieces. Whether I'm singing, playing, or listening to music I'm always lost in it. It turns working out into an intense trainer that keeps yelling at me to go farther and push myself harder; it turns a simple walk through the quad an adventure or even a peaceful journey depending on the type of music; and it can turn something as simple as being happy into an overwhelming feeling of joy. Music has gotten me through some tough times. It just speaks to me and I can see deeper than rythms and words. Each note is it's own entity with it's own background and story behind why it is on the page and what it means. What fascinates me the most is how selfless music notes can be, despite each note being unique. Yes occaisonally they have their moment and need to shine (usually the soprano line if I might add) but each note knows that in order for the piece to function properly and sound absolutly amazing, they must work in unison and harmony. Even when two notes fight each other (knows as dissonance to those that aren't music savy) they know it is there for a reason and emits an emotion that is needed for the overall meaning of a piece. They keep fighting until the dissonance is resolved with a lovely chord that makes your heart and soul melt. Being in choir in high school has taught me a lot of this because my teacher absolutly loves music. They way she talked about a piece (especially if it was about water) gave it so much more emotion and character and it made me want to emit the same emotion as the piece wanted to be played or sung. She made me a better musician and singer and made me love music even more and showed me how deep music can be. Music is versatile as well and can mean many things depending on the person playing it. It allows for creativity and uniqueness as well all interpret the music differently but overall show the same meaning. I have realized how big of a role music plays in my life and how I don't know what I would do without it. Thank you to all of those that are/were involved in my musical life because you all have really shaped the singer/musician that I am today and made my love of music grow even more.

Monday, January 16, 2012

One of the most important things I have learned this past semester is to never postpone happiness. I was told that by this guy and for some reason it really spoke to me. Along with "live with no regrets", "never postpone happiness" is a saying that I have learned to live by.﻿ Usually, I am one of those people that over thinks EVERYTHING! I look at a situation from every angle and then try to make the best decision based off of my observations. I hate making decisions. I have realized a lot this past semester that if I think too much, I become miserable because I'm constantly thinking about this stupid decision I have to make or I go through a million and a half "what-if" scenarios. I think about the good, the bad, and the ugly and it drives me INSANE!!!!!!! Doing that is postponing my happiness. Ever since those words were told to me, I have tried my hardest to stop thinking and just doing. Yes, I understand that some things need to be thought about but over thinking a text from a guy or something stupid like that is hindering my ability to live life and be truly happy. Over analyzing things took over my life this past semester and didn't allow me to live life with no regrets. After really thinking (probably too much) about the meaning of "never postponing happiness" i realized that if I live my life by those three words, how much happier I would be. If i know something is going to make me happy, why look at it from a bad angle? Doing this has made me such a happier person and I've been able to open up to people that really needed to know the real me. By keeping my true self and feelings inside, my happiness was postponed. For those that truly know me and my situations last semester, letting what I thought out led me to meet some awesome people who turned out to be fantastic friends. Yeah, it sucked for a little bit and sometimes still does suck, but in the bigger picture by not saying anything I was miserable. They say that people find their "true selves" in college and learn a lot about themselves and sometimes those sayings are BS, but this past semester I have learned a lot about myself and have changed some things I didn't like and done some things I'm not too proud of, but everything has shaped me and has made me happy. Why postpone happiness any longer? It's so much better being happy than it is sad, so don't think just do and that's how memories are made.