How To Deal With People Who Put You Down

Dealing with people who put you down can be a painful and hurtful experience.
Sometimes, the scars even last a lifetime.

I know I’ve certainly experienced put downs from people at
various times throughout my life. I’m not sure it’s possible to go
through life not meeting one of these people somewhere along the way so
the best strategy seems to be to learn how to deal with them prior to
interacting with them.

Here are my suggestions on how to deal with people who put you down:

People Who Put You Down Are Hurt Themselves

The first thing to know is that a happy, self confident person does
not put others down. They might provide constructive criticism but they
won’t put others down. This tells you a lot about the person who
criticizes you. Some people are very negative about others because:

they need to make themselves feel like they're in control or more powerful or to cover up their own insecurities

they’ve experienced a trauma of their own in the past and they don’t
know how to deal with the pain so they'll hurt others as a defense
mechanism.

People’s tirades against you will probably reveal to you just how
unhappy and disillusioned and frustrated that person is with life, and
that's their problem, not yours. Knowing this can go a long way to being
able to detach from the comments. If you know it has more to do with
the person making the comments than about you, it makes it far easier to not feel hurt by what’s been said.

Emotionally detaching from a person like this can be hard to do
but you need to refuse to become involved. That person wants you to feel
badly about yourself. Don’t give them that power.

Comebacks and Comments for People Who Put You Down

The French have a great saying that translated means, “spirit of the
stairs”. It’s all those comments and comebacks you think of later that
you wished you’d said to the person at the time. But, really, it’s no
use sinking to that person’s level. That’s what they want. They want to
get a reaction out of you, they want you to feel bad and their intent
quite likely was to hurt you. So, by responding with similar put downs
against them really only plays into their plan because they then have
confirmation that their comments worked and you're upset. Retaliating
comments also just end up hurting
yourself. Being hurtful to others probably isn't the type of person you
want to be either. You also don’t want to end up with regrets later over
what you
said in anger. So, what can you say? Try one of the following:

Thank you for your opinion
A response which will throw most criticizers off is to simply say,
“Thank you for your opinion” and then just leave it at that. This
effectively ends the conversation. They’re waiting for you to respond
with anger or a comeback of your own and when you don’t, there’s nothing
left for them to say.

Thank you for your gift but I think you should keep it.
When you feel that someone is attacking you can say to them:
“Thank you for your ‘gift’ - but I think you should keep it.” Or
“That’s very generous of you but I can’t accept that.”

With this comment, it's a reminder to people how powerful their
words are and that they should be more aware of what they're saying.
Words can be used for good or evil and people tend to forget how
damaging their words can be against someone's self esteem. It's also a
reminder to you that it’s their anger not yours. You don’t need to take
on someone else’s burden. They need to deal with their anger. They may
want you to accept their hatred and anger as your own, but it’s really a
“gift” that you don't need.

If you take their comments to heart and let them fester inside of
you then you've taken on their anger. Just let it go. You don't need
it.

Her
theory is that if a comment makes you feel defensive then that’s a clue you need to look inside yourself and see why the comment bothers
you so much. This could be like receiving a great gift because you’ve
discovered an area within that needs healing.

A person can't hurt you unless you let it. It's just a comment
that why it's your reaction to the words that's the most important thing
to look at. So you could try honestly looking at yourself to see why
that person believes that particular comment is true. Are there things
you could change? Can you see times when that comment is true about you?

Also, can you figure out why this particular comment bothers you
so much? It’s your reaction which will teach you the most about
yourself. It's about you and not the other person in this case.

If you figure out why the comment bothered you so much then you'll gain a deeper awareness about yourself and why you react and act the way you do. Once you understand then most likely similar comments in the future won't have the same effect because you've already processed that previous trigger for you.

Let the person know how you feel
It’s so important not to sink to that person’s level by retaliating. You
could tell the person that you find their comment offensive though. Not
in an angry way. Just as a statement of fact. For example, “I'd prefer it if you didn't dismiss my ideas like that.” Just say it calmly and
wait for their response. If possible, try to do this when you’re one on
one with the person. They may not even realize they’re putting you
down.

Or if it’s at work and you feel the person is making remarks
about your personal behavior, for example, “You’re too sensitive”, you
could say, “I’d like to keep this conversation on a professional level,
Thanks.” or “Let’s keep our discussion focused on the real issue at hand
here.”

This way you’re letting them know that you don’t appreciate their comments yet you’re remaining very professional.

Other aspects to Consider in Regards to Put Downs

You Don’t Need Someone Else’s Approval
There are times when people’s comments will seem like a put down because
you’re really seeking their wholehearted approval. They could even say
something like, “This is wonderful work you’ve done but could you fix
the last paragraph to be stronger?” Then because you're desperate for
their approval, you don’t hear the good part, you only hear what you
perceive to be a criticism in that they don’t like one section.

If you don’t take it as a put put down then you’ll be more open
to taking the comment as an opportunity to improve yourself and your
work.

Are They Confirming Your Story?
In some situations, you may be interpreting someone’s comments as a put
down when none was intended. This could be because that’s what you’re
expecting or because you’ve got an internal story happening and you see
what you want to believe.

Here’s example, if someone gives you a gift, and you truly
believe that this person is only out to hurt you, you'll think something
like, “Sure, he’s just trying to get on my good side” or you’ll see it
as insulting. When really the reality might be that they’re trying to
show you how much they do care about you.
So, ask yourself if you’re really hearing and seeing the situation just
as it is, (nothing has any meaning until you give it meaning) or have
you added your own story?

Are They Mirroring Your Beliefs?
Along with the point above is that if you feel deep inside that you’re
unlovable, then people will treat you that way. If you feel you only
deserve put downs and sarcasm, that is how people will treat you. So, if
you discover that there’s a pattern with your relationships with other
people, it may be time to ask yourself, what are your inner beliefs? Mirroring - A Key To Understanding Yourself

Be Aware of the Subtle Put Downs
When you stop and pay attention to the messages you’re receiving every
day, you’ll discover that you’re being subjected to more put downs than
you probably thought. That’s because they’re everywhere. Everywhere you
go, everywhere you look, everything you read, everything you see on TV,
there are ads and different groups trying to tell you that you’re not
good enough if you don’t have their latest product, or if you don’t look
a certain way or if you don’t have a lot of material possessions or
have a certain education. They subtly attack your self esteem and your
self worth.

No one likes to be criticized and it’s tempting to be sucked into
their way of thinking. That’s why in order to really have a healthy
self esteem, you need to be able to withstand these constant negative
messages about your value.

Summary for Dealing With People Who Put You Down

When dealing with people who put you down, remember: 1. Don’t retaliate with your own putdowns. 2. The comments will tell you a lot about the person who’s making
the comments. It’s their anger and frustration and they should deal
with it, not you. 3. Can you discover a gift within the comments? You might learn
something valuable about yourself that needs to be healed or you might
learn how you really feel about yourself. 4. Are you reading something into the comments that aren’t really
there because you’re expecting them or because you have certain
beliefs? 5. Be aware of the subtle messages (like advertising) that you
hear every day which try to destroy your sense of value and self worth.

Put downs are never pleasant to deal with but if you can use them to your advantage, then that’s the best solution of all.

Every adversity carries with it the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit – Napoleon Hill

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