Last week on the A-List: Everyone got botox injections and hair plugs while having drunken, tearful public fights over shit no person with anything going on in their life would care about. In the real world, Tom and Lorenzo traipsed all over Fashion Week, blissfully relieved that their hotel didn’t carry LOGO and thus, they didn’t have to watch.

This week on the A-List: Tom and Lorenzo had to watch. Are you happy now? Because we’re feeling a RANT coming on.

This is exactly what happened last season. We were right there, giving it our all and slinging the bitchy jokes with gusto. Then, somewhere near the end (This IS near the end, right? There’s not, like 22 more episodes or something, is there? We’re asking.) we find ourselves running out of “Rodiney sounds like a Hanna-Barbera character with a speech impediment/Ryan is puffy/Reichen is dimwitted/Derek is nasty/Austin is tragic” jokes. We start off the season gleefully shouting things like “Because you’re an IDIOT, Reichen!” at the TV, but last night the only words uttered by us were, “Oh my god. Oh my GOD. OH MY GOD.” in a trailing moan, our faces etched in weary disbelief that anyone, no matter how much they want the attention, would ever act the way these stupid queens act.

See, the “writers” of this show are doing the same thing they did last year about this time; they’re pulling a story right out of their asses without any warning. Last season it was the sudden whiparound to “Everyone hates Rodiney and likes Austin” story, and this year it’s the “Austin’s marriage is a VIOLENT SHAM and everyone LOVES it” story. Who the fuck cares? Who the fuck are these queens to suddenly get so judgmental? And how fucking twisted is it that a bunch of friends get together to discuss the possibility that their friend is in a physically abusive relationship like it’s a bit of delicious gossip? Not that we think Austin’s a battered spouse. It’s more likely that he and Jake are just a couple of idiotic drunks who never should have been more than the occasional fuckbuddy and drinking partner.

We’ll give the “writers” credit for one thing: they can get us to momentarily root for people we find repulsive. That is to say, we were seriously hoping Austin would lose his patience with Derek and just start punching him in the face repeatedly. Is that so wrong? “I’m just not ready to forgive you yet, Austin.” WHAM. Blood, shrieking, and Austin being led away in handcuffs while Derek’s plastic surgery collapses in the back of an ambulance. THAT’S how you do it, writers.

And another thing: why do these assholes have a party every time they take a shit? Are they so desperate for constant applause that they need drinks and a crowd every time they accomplish the most minor of tasks? Are there really THAT many men in Chelsea willing to appear on camera in the background? Is there NO dignity among the Manhattan queen set anymore? Don’t you all have anonymous sexual encounters to get to? For fuck’s sake, Nyasha can’t even fill out an online dating form without inviting over a bunch of queens to applaud every click. And that’s part of what’s so inadvertently hilarious; the fact that they throw these parties every ten minutes so their social circle can “show support” for every minor professional and personal achievement (My shitty tanner! My shitty wig line! My shitty song/fragrance/music video/marriage!) and they all show up just to trash the person they’re supposedly supporting or get into drunken brawls. That’s the ENTIRE SHOW now. Endlessly shitty parties for endlessly pathetic “achievements” (I’m six months older!) populated by a bunch of no-names acting like they’re at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party or something. Attention whores, listen up: The reason you constantly have to throw parties for yourselves is because NO ONE WANTS TO INVITE YOU TO ANY PARTIES. We’re pretty sure they all snuck into that God’s Love We Deliver Hamptons party last week. There wasn’t one shot of them standing any less than 200 yards away from the other attendees.

And you know something that just sets us off into teeth-gnashing? This insistence by these assholes that their little reality show shenanigans and money-making schemes are somehow “good for the community.” Stop putting the words “bi-national couples” and “Playgirl” in a sentence, Austin. Stop saying “My fragrance, which will be called ‘Reichen” in the same sentence with “HIV/AIDS Awareness.” “My gay ghetto dance video will totally help teens face up to their bullies!” Own your vapidity and need to be the center of attention. At least Derek isn’t pretending that her shitty tanner that no one’s going to buy is going to overturn DADT.

Here’s how you make this show better, LOGO: Everyone dies in a fiery plane crash. Failing that, everyone comes to the horrifying realization that nothing they do or say has any importance whatsoever to anyone else on the planet and they’re all just frightened children, desperately trying to hold back the dark by loudly declaring their non-existent importance to a universe that doesn’t care. This realization shatters each of them to the core and some overcome it through a firm commitment to better both themselves and the world around them in any small way they can. Others won’t be able to face it and slowly shuffle off to obscurity with alcohol and past imagined glories to sustain them. America (or at least the tens of thousands of Americans watching) applaud. Emmys rain down from heaven. T Lo breathe a sigh of relief.

All right. We admit it. This is just a long prelude to let you know that, much as we fake-love our little New York attention monkeys, you can’t pay us enough money to do this again when those Dallas queens come around. You bitches are on your own for that one.

But seriously, LOGO. Consider some onscreen violence to spice the show up. We’re not sure we can take another drawn out argument over nothing. Don’t even get us started on the whole “Mom, I showed my little dick on the internet” scene.

I’ve got a feeling Mike Ruiz does not want to be featured too much in that show.

Anonymous

LOL!! RE: Bellevue!

Anonymous

Well, I appreciate you two sticking it out for as long as you did. I didn’t last more than 10 minutes of one episode. Righteous rant, TLo.

Anonymous

Well, I appreciate you two sticking it out for as long as you did. I didn’t last more than 10 minutes of one episode. Righteous rant, TLo.

Anonymous

But I wait for your reviews..it’s the only reason I watch this drivel…..If I stop watching I might have to kick back my dosage of blood pressure meds…Seriously? These people really turn my stomach and have set us all back 100 years. Funny..they ( and the Real Housewives of NYC) are NEVER seen at any actual “A-List” functions..the sad part is that Mr. and Mrs middle America think this is what we are really like..sigh….and I totally agree…laughing and sniping because of the abusive relationship? I guess this is the best shit that LOGO can come up with…that and 100 episodes a day of Drag U and endless reruns of Buffy…..

Anonymous

Well, I may not qualify as Mr. and Mrs. middle America as I’m a single woman living in San Francisco, but I can’t believe that anybody watching the RHNYC and/or this A-List crap really think that’s what goes on in NYC. Please. I don’t think I want to live in a world populated by such morons! In order to get up each morning, I must believe that people watch these shows with a sense of irony, looking to make fun of people willing to whore themselves out for their 15 minutes, and to make snarky comments on blogs. You may have burst my bubble…dammit!

Anonymous

Hmm – thinking –
“the sad part is that Mr. and Mrs middle America think this is what we
are really like.”

I am guessing Middle America are not watching this crap?
But to your point – I do believe this “type of behavior” is a large part of the reason for anti-gay bigotry in all parts of America (not just middle America). Another blog I had read in the past – about ANTM – would do posts about gay pride parades through the middle of town with guys in ass-less chaps, carrying sex toys and looking “depraved”. Several of the posters were gay men who would make the point that this was hurting the community because of the OTT wildness (since many of the complaints were it was inappropriate around children (not because of the gay specific culture, but because of the nudity and sexual nature).

So yes I’d say that when “straight” /middle America sees crap like this show it gives bigots a means to justify their bigotted impressions. When they have more exposure to people who have the same values, experiences, etc more like their own they find less “justification:. On the other hand, some people think everyone from Jersey is vapid, and everyone in New York is rich and arrogant and everyone in DC is a thief… welllll – just kidding

** for anyone ready to attack – please cut me some slack. As someone who has faced bigotry and discrimination myself, and witnessed others experience it,- I am trying to figure it out. (I have other stories of what I’ve seen and experienced but too long to write it all out.)

Bigotry can be laid at the feet of bigots and no one else. Saying that a disenfranchised group is giving bigots ammunition by not acting perfectly at all times is merely another form of bigotry.

After all, no one claims that Jersey Shore is a reason to deny Italians full civil rights.

Anonymous

I was not blaming the victim – I realized that I may not have the best words to describe what I was saying – I know that I was having trouble making my point. I was trying to address the comment “…think this is what we are really like.”

And there are plenty of people who think that the cast of Jersey Shore is what Jersey folks “are really like”. (I honestly never watched the show – they are Italian – I never really thought about it.)

OK – my other story – I was young and worked at a place as a consultant (20 years ago)- I sat across from 4 managers offices. I learned over time that 3 of the 4 male mgrs were gay. I didn’t know (or care). 2 of the 3 had been married to women previously and while none were in the closet, most people did not know. ( I knew because I’d met my mgr’s BF and the brother of friend there had “outed” the other 2 mgrs) The guy who sat around the corner from me was extremely flamboyant – nice guy but he caught some flack (I don’t know whether it was anything worse).

A young guy was there right out of college; and would refer to his buddies with the F word – I repeatedly told him to knock it off (he would say it the way some guys call each other Holmes and claimed it was a form of ribbing and that he never said it around gay people), I finally told him that look you don’t know who you are offending – who is gay or straight or who finds your comments offensive. He stupidly replied that “as long as my manager isn’t gay I don’t care”. (and yes his manager was one of the three who were gay. )

My point was that a lot of people don’t like people who are different from them – and many times people don’t realize that not all gay people are flamboyant, cross dressing ass-less chap wearing and promiscuous. (that is not an excuse for really bad behaviour to anyone) some people are ignorant and since they don’t know that the acquaintances or co-workers – people in their circle – people who they think are “just like them” might not be exactly like them

Again, I agree – NO EXCUSE FOR BAD BEHAVIOR!!

Anonymous

I know precisely what you are saying…I just think a channel like LOGO could really make us proud and do good work on our behalf….the only redeeming aspect of this insanity ( this show is like being inside of a migraine) might be that we get to enter into some great spirited debates..bless you TLO for showing us the way!!!!

Anonymous

Thanks Puckndc – and here is to a long and happy marriage.

Anonymous

Why thank you!!!!!

Anonymous

TLO: I agree with you to an extent, but I really blame LOGO for this hot mess of a show. I think all sides be it lifestyle race religion etc should be shown, but in an age where we are making so many breakthroughs, ( I was legally married in DC last Fall), I think this crap does us a disservice…just sayin’…yes, as an out and proud gay man, I know the difference, but do others?….The “Jersey” shows also give a bad impression..There…I said my piece..basta.

Anonymous

TLO: I agree with you to an extent, but I really blame LOGO for this hot mess of a show. I think all sides be it lifestyle race religion etc should be shown, but in an age where we are making so many breakthroughs, ( I was legally married in DC last Fall), I think this crap does us a disservice…just sayin’…yes, as an out and proud gay man, I know the difference, but do others?….The “Jersey” shows also give a bad impression..There…I said my piece..basta.

There’s not much one can do to persuade a bigot set on hating and stereotyping. After all, hatred is their lifeline, the only way they can identify themselves as having some kind of reason for living. If LOGO put together a show with gay professionals with incredible educational credentials, loving parents, loving partners, beautiful children, and they were kind to one another –the bigots would not be swayed. They’d find something to criticize and extrapolate all sorts of scenarios that could happen because of this show.

As far as Mr & Mrs Middle America goes –uhm….yeah, I guess that’s me. I no more believe this show as representative of gays, as I do the shows depicting all those housewives over on Bravo.

Anonymous

That is true of True Bigots – but I know people who have just been ignorant. An example are people who used the word “ret-rd” but then they have a Down’s Syndrome child in their family.

I knew a family member (who I’d tried repeatedly to change) who thought nothing of using slurs and thought all “h- – – -s” were flamboyant “sex crazed”, etc then a close relative came out. (My cousin’s daughter came out to me and asked for support in telling other family members, and her long time GF is now one of the family.)

Sometime stereotypes are wrong, sometimes they have some degree of accuracy… but often they are based on too small a pool of knowledge or experience

Anonymous

But I wait for your reviews..it’s the only reason I watch this drivel…..If I stop watching I might have to kick back my dosage of blood pressure meds…Seriously? These people really turn my stomach and have set us all back 100 years. Funny..they ( and the Real Housewives of NYC) are NEVER seen at any actual “A-List” functions..the sad part is that Mr. and Mrs middle America think this is what we are really like..sigh….and I totally agree…laughing and sniping because of the abusive relationship? I guess this is the best shit that LOGO can come up with…that and 100 episodes a day of Drag U and endless reruns of Buffy…..

Anonymous

“Tlo said: Don’t even get us started on the whole “Mom, I showed my little dick on the internet” scene.”

OK, so I’m not the only one who thought that was…(???) I’m at a loss for words.

But I was sitting there, mouth agape, hoping she was going to tell him he’s adopted and then jump up and fall into the arms of the production team who scrub her down, Silkwood-style, as she screams at the sky (while Reichen stands there, head tilted, eyelids blinking out of sync).

Is that wrong?

–GothamTomato

Anonymous

Mom looked like she was gonna say “Awe shucks Huney…we all wack off on the internet sometime” I guess being vapid and famewhoring is genetic….sigh…

Anonymous

I thought she looked appropriately disgusted, but then caught herself and remembered there were cameras there and had to appear supportive.

–GothamTomato

Joshua Flake

I did like the way Reichen said something like “it’s a new world,” which is true, and talking about sex ought to include things older generations didn’t have. Though, I can’t imagine talking to my parents about my sex life full stop, even if I were asking advice on wholesome sexual acts.

Anonymous

“Tlo said: Don’t even get us started on the whole “Mom, I showed my little dick on the internet” scene.”

OK, so I’m not the only one who thought that was…(???) I’m at a loss for words.

But I was sitting there, mouth agape, hoping she was going to tell him he’s adopted and then jump up and fall into the arms of the production team who scrub her down, Silkwood-style, as she screams at the sky (while Reichen stands there, head tilted, eyelids blinking out of sync).

Is that wrong?

–GothamTomato

sweetlilvoice

You gentleman have does all of us bitter kittens a huge service by suffering as long as you have. Thank you!

sweetlilvoice

You gentleman have does all of us bitter kittens a huge service by suffering as long as you have. Thank you!

Joe J

I’m going to light my cigarette on the smoldering embers of this show, which are all that remains after THAT verbal nuking. Brava, queens.

Joe J

I’m going to light my cigarette on the smoldering embers of this show, which are all that remains after THAT verbal nuking. Brava, queens.

Lay in a heavy stash of adult beverages. Altho’ I doubt Bev Mo in So. Cal. has enough in stock to entice me to watch this show. Love your abstracts, tho’. Thanks for taking one for the wee kittens.

Anonymous

It’ll take more than God to help you with THAT!……I mean how many variations of “mindless twits” can you possibly conjure up?

Anonymous

Possibly, though, should the Great Bookkeeper in the Sky resemble at all what I was taught as a child, they’ll get to skip any applicable time in Purgatory and go straight through the pearly gates because of their earthly sacrifice on our behalf.

Anonymous

Bless your hearts. That is going waaay above and beyond the call of duty…

Anonymous

Jesus Christ guys, even Andy Denhart on Reality Blurred refuses to do anything with this show, that ought to be enough…

I remember when I was living in San Francisco and was at some vapid soiree full of Queens looking for a Googleaire to sink their claws into and one guy said “…Oh.Mi.Gawd! This room is like SO full of A-list people!” to which someone responded “…hon, the Gay A-List in this town don’t go to shitty events like this” and he was right.

I think there was a saying that “The A list are people you want to know, but who don’t want to know you”. These queens never were and never will be A list so why waste time/effort/spleen and server space???

Thank you for recapping what I like to call “The Z-List” on our behalf. You have saved me time and provided me with many laughs. However, you have gone above and beyond the call of duty, and I, for one, think that you should feel free to retire with your dignity and sanity intact. Besides, Don’t you all have anonymous sexual encounters to get to?

😉

(At least Derek isn’t pretending that her shitty tanner that no one’s going to buy is going to overturn DADT. No need! Done! Over! Gone!)

Anonymous

I’ve been assuming that you did get directly paid by LOGO to post your recaps of this show, and others as well. Is that not the case?

Sorry for doubting you! I actually just couldn’t think of any other reason you would keep watching this show unless there was some money involved. I’ve gotten too jaded!

Joshua Flake

There’s a saying that any press is good press, but I highly doubt LOGO would validate TLo’s recaps (however accurate and hilarious real people find them) with a payoff. At least not the recaps I’ve read, lol.

Anonymous

Hmm, I was sure I’d posted a comment earlier!

Anyway:

Dear TLo:

Thank you for recapping the show that I like to call “The Z-List”. You have provided me with many laughs at the expense of these twits. However, you have gone above and beyond the call of duty, and I, for one, think that you should feel free to retire with your dignity and sanity intact. Besides, “Don’t you all have anonymous sexual encounters to get to?”

😉

At least Derek isn’t pretending that her shitty tanner that no one’s going to buy is going to overturn DADT.

I can’t believe y’all are still reviewing this show, frankly. I watched 15 minutes of it once and got all stabby so I turned it off for the safety of my spouse.

Scott Hester-Johnson

As much as I love your commentary on this train wreck and it is, after all, the train wreck that led me to TLo, I am releasing you both from any further obligation to watch this piece of crap. And in so doing I am releasing myself as well.

It’s almost as if I watch it because I know you will write about it and you write about it because you know we’ll watch it and on and on.

Time to break us all out of this vicious, soul-sucking circle.

Anonymous

Good gravy Marie, T Lo, I can’t believe you’re watching this even from a solidarity perspective (fully recognizing that the show has nothing to do with the lives of 99.9999999% of the world’s gay population). Stop, already! You’re giving yourselves tsuris and for what?!? Darlings, have some chicken soup (without noodles, to avoid the carbs) and you’ll feel better…..

Ok, last season I suggested TLo go on the show to give the boys a good talking to like the good father figures they are. No dice. Now I would pay money to have TLo go on the show with a blow torch or some other incendiary device and wipe the whole lot of them out. You guys would be heroes. You want violence, I say bring it! Can’t you just run over a few of them with your car or something? Pretty pretty please?

Ok, last season I suggested TLo go on the show to give the boys a good talking to like the good father figures they are. No dice. Now I would pay money to have TLo go on the show with a blow torch or some other incendiary device and wipe the whole lot of them out. You guys would be heroes. You want violence, I say bring it! Can’t you just run over a few of them with your car or something? Pretty pretty please?

Ok, last season I suggested TLo go on the show to give the boys a good talking to like the good father figures they are. No dice. Now I would pay money to have TLo go on the show with a blow torch or some other incendiary device and wipe the whole lot of them out. You guys would be heroes. You want violence, I say bring it! Can’t you just run over a few of them with your car or something? Pretty pretty please?

Anonymous

Phew.

Welcome back! For a moment I thought we would lost you guys and would soon be subjected to Real Housewives of Atlanta updates.

Anonymous

I’ve been waiting for this…

Anonymous

I have tried twice now to comment, but my posts are disappearing! Maybe third time’s the charm?

In any case:

TLo – you guys have gone above and beyond the call of duty in continuing to recap the show that I like to call “The Z-List”. I, for one, think that you should feel free to retire with your dignity and sanity intact.

Anonymous

Listen, I normally am not the kind of person to say “I told you so” but…… I TOLD YOU SO! I have been saying since day ! this show SUCKS and not even in an entertaining way. Boys, abandon your wayward, evil ways. STOP WATCHING!! The longer you give attnetion to them, the longer LOGO will keep them around. Listen to Aunt Nancy, “Just say no.”

BuffaloBarbara

Ah, TLo… love the Emmy-bait idea. All of the stupid reality shows that have no purpose other than vapidity should get together and make a pledge to end that way.

Anonymous

Well…I hope you feel better after that rant! lol.

Try not to let those vapid queens get to you…just enjoy and laugh at how ridiculous and mindless they and this show really are…

Anonymous

I watched last night. It was painful. The worst line was Nyasha, when she was saying Austin needs therapy: “Austin? He needs therapy. In fact, he needs state certified therapy. He probably even needs government certified therapy.” I didn’t know people are really that stupid.

Now I love me some cattiness but in order for it to be entertaining, there has to be some wit behind it. This show is like caverject. It will get it where it needs to go but there’s no inspiration. Meh.

Also, while we gay men can sometimes be bitchy, behind it is often some vulnerability and humanity. I don’t see any here. I hope there is and it was simply artlessly edited out.

Ok, can we negotiate a little. Even if you don’t do full on recaps of A-List Dallas, would you consider doing like a season check in or something? Please, please, please with sugar on top???

Anonymous

Ru Paul’s Drag U is doing wonders with women who have issues.

Perhaps he can do something for these truly effed-up ladies, too.

Joshua Flake

Coming from someone who is in a long-term bi-national relationship, I just have to say every bit of exposure helps. Straight sham marriages get those benefits, so why shouldn’t gay sham marriages? Austin and Jake may not be the poster boys, but it’s good to see someone talking about it at least. I mean, yay for marriage equality in New York, but it doesn’t do my partner any good at all.

I have to admit, I am a little saddened that you will not be ripping into the Dallas girls; My friends and I are acquainted with two of the boys on the show and they are despicable, pathetic messes. We would have enjoyed nothing more than laughing with you two at their sad and shallow grasps at fame. The Dallas gay community is so disgusted by the show that the film crew was banned from our clubs and there was a boycott of the show (one of the dancing idiots was bad-mouthing men suffering from AIDS at a charity benefit during filming, very classy).

I don’t like what this show is doing to you boys. I think it’s best that you stop watching before it does permanent damage!

Anonymous

TLo, darlings, please do not waste one more moment of your considerable talents on this. I stopped watching this awful show sometime in the first season, but I’ve continued to read your entertaining commentary. If you’re not having fun with it, stop. Save your energy for shows, events and magazine spreads that are enjoyable for *you* to view & write about.

Anonymous

And another thing: why do these assholes have a party every time they take a shit?
OMG, I so choked on my drink when I read this…thank you for your dedication to this shit fest (heh), we are honored by your devotion to these fucking vapid queens. You are gentlemen and scholars!

These queens are just BORING. Drama for drama’s sake is not interesting. Period.

Terence Ng

I dunno, guys. DADT WAS overturned. You can’t prove that it wasn’t because of Derek’s tanner.

Anonymous

More like Z list twats. These are the kind of men I cannot stand.

Anonymous

F–k LOGO for this shit.

Anonymous

I am happy for you guys, avoiding Dallas. It gives them far more attention than they deserve!

Anonymous

THANK YOU.

I may have to watch what I pray is the final episode just to have closure, but I don’t like myself for it. And I will NOT bother with any other edition/season. This has to be one of the worst produced/cast/written/performed shows ever. It quickly went from ‘so bad it’s good’ to ‘so bad it’s painful.’