Saturday, August 8, 2009

I kind of thought that I'd already discussed how just because you want something to be a certain way, it doesn't mean that that's the way it is. You can say it's that way, but it still doesn't change the fact that it really is NOT the way that you're convincing yourself that it is. Sorry. Hey, I didn't MAKE the rule! I'm just the messenger, so back off!

Case in point here would be a one Amy Wolfe, a 33-year old who we are assuming is a woman from Pennsylvania. Miss Wolfe will be getting married sometime in the near future, I'm assuming. Her significant other is about 80 miles away from where she currently lives, but she still manages to visit about ten times a year and keeps the spark alive with a picture of her soul mate taped to her bedroom ceiling (handy). The object of her affection goes by the name 1001 Nachts. That's right. 1001 Nachts. (By the way, not that it has anything at all to do with this little tale, but 'nachts' is German for 'nights'. Now you know. Carry on.)

And while 1001 Nachts might sound like a strange name, this is a situation in which the name is perfectly acceptable. However, I just want to make it clear that it is only the NAME which is perfectly acceptable. NOT the fact that 1001 Nachts is a carnival ride OR that Miss Wolfe plans to MARRY it. Er, him. Wait. What???

Correct. It's a carnival ride. Also known as The Gondola or That Swingy Boat Lookin' Thing. She loves it. I mean LOVES it. OH, yeah? Why doesn't she MARRY it? (You know, that's probably how this whole thing got started.) Well, she thinks she's going to. And as I alluded to previously, she can THINK that all she wants, but that doesn't mean that she's going to be married to a freaking carnival ride.

Miss Wolfe was just 13 when her attraction to 1001 Nachts began forming. And while 13 is quite young, I think it's plenty old enough to know that you've got some other issues at work here if you're falling in love with a) a carnival ride, and/or b) anyone or anything whose name begins with a number. People who experience this sort of intense emotional connection to something which doesn't breathe are said to have a rare condition called 'objectum sexuality' where people develop attractions to objects. Hence the term. It does seem clear that she is and was aware that most people do not fall in love with carnival rides of ANY kind and that most people would find the entire notion of one doing so to be slightly, um, strange. (Some folks might even say that it is freaking weird as hell. Some. Some may say that. Some may say other things, but some may say that. Almost NO ONE will say that it's normal. None.)

According to The Sun "I was instantly attracted to him sexually and mentally. I wasn't freaked out as it just felt so natural but I didn't tell anyone about it because I knew it wasn't 'normal' to have feelings for a fairground ride. While all my friends were going through their teens having crushes on boys, I was still thinking about 1001." And while all of that may be true, I'm not so sure that she would have been having the same boy crushes as her friends all did. I don't know. Call it a hunch. Behold!

Yeah. A hunch. AAANNNNNNNY-way, she's pretty adamant about her feelings. According to

The Telegraph, "I love him as much as women love their husbands and know we’ll be together forever." Wow. She might be surprised at how much, or in a lot of cases, how little "some women" love "their husbands" or the other way around. I take it she's never seen "Jon and Kate Plus 8". But aside from that, all of that knowing that they'll "be together forever" stuff? If this is the sort of thing you're into, I'd say that's a pretty good bet. It's not like he's going to up and LEAVE you or cheat on you or anything like that. (Then again, what, exactly, would cheating look like in this situation? You know what? Never mind. I have too much information trying to figure out what this looks like, let alone some other variable in the equation.)

She plays up this act by going through the "he's like a real person" motions, as evidenced by her revealing, "I tell him how much I've missed him and what I've been up to since my last visit. And I kiss the bits I can reach. The staff are really understanding." (The staff most likely think you're cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and are afraid of what you'll do to them if they get in between you and ol' 1001 there, cupcake. I "understand" a person with a mental illness when I see one, too.) She also "...carries its spare nuts and bolts around to feel closer to it." Uh, hey. I don't know if that's such a good idea. I mean, what if 1001 NEEDS those "spare" nuts and bolts? You might end up feeling closer to a machine that is responsible for hurling scores of patrons to their deaths after malfunctioning due to missing nuts and bolts!

Look, there is clearly something else going on with this, uh, woman. Obviously. I mean, I like Guitar Hero. Dare I say that I LOVE Guitar Hero. (I also RULE at Guitar Hero. I had to throw that in. I almost NEVER get a chance to say that!) I am not going to MARRY Guitar Hero. As phallic as that little plastic guitar may be, I have ZERO desire to marry it (not to mention my ZERO desire for the phallic object itself).

Now, what else? Come on! You know you're dying to know! You know you want to ask! What about their, uh, their, um, their relationship in the biblical sense? Done! Wait. What was that? Done? Yep. Done. She explains, "I use photos of 1001 to help me in private. We could never have sex where he lives because it's public and it would be indecent." Oh, of course, because THAT would be WEIRD. And because "he" is a freaking machine made out of metal, weighing several thousand pounds and lacking a penile unit! Just as aside! I'm only sayin'!

"1001 makes me happier than any human ever could."Oh, for cryin' out loud, there is just no talking to some people.I know you will be shocked to learn that Miss Wolfe is currently unemployed. She is, however, seeking work within her trade as an organist, though, according to

The Telegraph, "...she faces discrimination from employers." What's that now? How could that be? How EXACTLY would potential employers be discriminatory towards her because of her fondness for fairground rides unless...she TOLD THEM?! HOW does THAT come up in a job interview to be a freaking organist?! ("So...when you're playing the organ, do you ever wish that carnival rides had their own organs? Just wondering. You seem like the type who might!") Let me guess...it came up the same way that this documentary that she participated in came up as well! Behold!

Well, at least now we know what it is exactly that she finds so attractive about ol' 1001 Nachts. I believe her exact words were "I love him for the narrowness of his jibs, and the roundness of his counterweights." Yeah, someday I hope to find someone that I, too, can say that I love for the narrowness of the jibs, and the roundness of the counterweights. Maybe someday. :::sigh:::

And God bless those folks over there atJezebel.com for having THAT available! Thank YOU!

Wow. So what have we learned here? PLENTY! We've learned that some people are in so much pain that they need to isolate themselves from becoming close to other human beings and do so via falling in love with inanimate objects which they later claim that they have consummated their relationships with. Other folks find this strange to say the absolute very least. Yeah, that about sums it all up! There might be more, but I"m still in a bit of awe after watching that video.