healing

We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison.Sometimes it’s more like a drenching.Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.

Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’.If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviourto avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.

Being able to spot their harmful behaviouris the first step to minimising their impact.You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.

There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage.Here are 12 of them.Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:

They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.

They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them.There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right.They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough tolet you know that there’s something.The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder.When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy.See why it works for them?

Stop trying to please them.Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy.If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop.Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted.You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings.If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise.At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.

They’ll manipulate.

If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right.Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something.They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you.This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out.‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you.I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party.Why don’t you bring dinner.For 10.It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills.K?’

You don’t owe anybody anything.If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.

They won’t own their feelings.

Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours.It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you.For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them.It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’

or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you.Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs.If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to.You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation.Remember that.

They’ll make you prove yourself to them.

They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them.Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama.‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’The problem with this is that enough will never be enough.Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.

They never apologize.

They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing.They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.

People don’t have to apologiseto be wrong.And you don’t need an apology to move forward.Just move forward – without them.Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going.There’s just no point.Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.

They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.

They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news.The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot.Are you sure you want to go?’About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’Get the idea?Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size.You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.

They won’t pick up their phone.They won’t answer texts or emails.And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same.People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out.That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try.Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.

They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.

The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more.Something like, ‘What did you do today?’can mean different things depending on the way it’s said.It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine.Mine was awful.Just awful.And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.

On May 12, 2018, I was honored to be invited back as a presenter on the Fajr Prayerline hosted by Brother Bilal, Brother Yahn and Sister Najma Muhammad. This beautiful prayerline takes place every morning at 5A.M. (EST). NOTE: It will pick back up at the conclusion of Ramadan. Below are the audio clips of my presentation entitled, “The Power Of Our Testimony And The Need For Stronger Witnesses”.

Those of us who profess devotion to our Faith, whether it be Islam, Christianity, etc. have a duty to bear witness to how our lives have been changed by practicing our Faith. When we took on a new lifestyle according to our Faith, it was because we bore witness to the truth of what we heard that we saw as good for ourselves, and in essence we took an oath to continue getting on the witness stand to help/save others! The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan said that we don’t need permission to bear witness to a man that has saved our lives!

Along with the presentation are clips from the Q&A portion that followed (Click to listen). Enjoy and feel free to share with others!

Over 10 years ago, I decided to make Houston my home. I can’t say that I did it with the overall intent of staying any longer than I had stayed in any other city prior to the move. What I do know is that it was a smart move at the time, and giving credit to the creator, it was a planned and very necessary move. While I only had in mind, to stay as long as I needed, and to always be prepared for the next move; there was something even bigger brewing. Aside from a career and things that followed, it was meeting meaningful people, and developing strong relationships with individuals/organizations/groups who would greatly impact the next journey of my life. One of those individuals, named Ebony S. Muhammad, who has become a friend and sister in spirit; has been there every step of the way. She is a businesswoman, and an entrepreneur, with a strict set of dedicated values to her success.

Niedria D. Kenny and Ebony S. Muhammad at Day of Encouragement 2014

Our introduction was brief, but in little to no time, we were sharing life stories and almost immediately fostering health and growth in each other lives, without knowing it. While I entered and exited realms of many trials, I always had a source that remained constant, in her friendship. Ebony possessed something valuable, and extremely rare, that I recognized instantaneously. That was her ability to listen. It was her ability to take in all of what you are saying, before speaking. Her attentiveness in all conversations, even if it were no interest to her, you would never know. She was willing to at least hear you out, especially if you were asking for advice and opinion or expertise on any subject matter. She “got it” She had a vested interest to do the work on her part, of listening carefully and processing diligently before speaking. In naturally harboring the concept of “studying to shew thyself approved”, Ebony researched and learn… to ensure that she was delivering quality speak. That has been paramount and unwavering in our continued friendship, as well as a contributing factor to her success.

With that, I congratulate my sister in the spirit. I am delighted to highlight her success, as a Working Woman; as she has always humbly and unselfishly given credit to everyone else around her. Speaking with her today is a full circle moment for me. It is with pleasure that I spotlight someone who’s always empowered other women and carry the plight of healing women everywhere, through auditing (pathways to inner healing), the Hurt to Healing process of (Turning Wounds into Wisdom) via discussions in her Magazine (www.hurt2healingmag.com) and the background experience she has in Thanatology as well Massage Therapy via her salon (@OriginsDaySpa)

Niedria Kenny (NK): Ebony, share with other working women your background in how you began your journey on the path to assist others with things that may affect our daily lives, that greatly impact our quality of life.

Ebony S. Muhammad (EM): Wow…first let me thank you from the depths of my heart, Niedria, for being someone I can truly call a friend in the very essence of the word. Thank you for being that constant in my life and the ear and shoulder I needed throughout my trials…goodness, we’ve been through and seen a lot together and I thank Allah (God) for you daily. Thank you for the honor of this interview and to Working Mother for the beautiful platform to speak to other women with evolving lives.

To answer your question: The turning point in my journey occurred immediately after graduating from college, and that was joining the Nation Of Islam (2005) under the leadership and guidance of the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan. While I was seeking to help others in the career path I chose, the Nation Of Islam was saving me! Every question I’ve ever had relating to spirituality, religion, relationships, economics, politics, health, justice etc. was answered the moment I made the decision to accept Islam as my way of life which is a part of my very nature. That decision saved and still is saving my life. That decision gives me my purpose. That decision enables me to give back in a way, and on a level that I can only describe as divine. I am learning who I am because of this decision, and I am in love with what Islam has and still is opening up for me spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and physically. The decision to accept Islam has also improved my physical health due to our amazing dietary regimen that anyone can study and practice via the book How to Eat to Live. I haven’t been to the doctor in years! I can’t remember the last time I had to go in for being sick. My level of discipline and confidence and mental clarity, all because of the decision to accept Islam as my own and to be myself, has increased tremendously. I’ve never been more respected, honored and protected as a woman than I have being in the Nation Of Islam. This was the catalyst and the turning point in my journey. Islam gave me my journey!

I’ve always wanted to help people and it was while attending the University of Houston – Downtown, in my “Death and Dying” class (thank you Mrs. MacGregor) where it really hit me that I wanted to help people who were grieving. Minister Farrakhan teaches us to find a need among the people and seek out ways to provide a service that meets the needs of those people. Therefore, with the above I didn’t want to close it off to just the loss of life, but any loss whether it was a relationship, job, health, someone who was violated and lost a sense of feeling safe, loss of freedom and a loss of hope. I studied the subject of death, dying and loss further and joined the Association for Death Education and Counseling (2007), became a voting committee member and obtained my Certification in Thanatology in 2008 (the study of death and dying and how we psychologically and emotionally cope with loss).

In the process of that, I was invited to assist with organizing the Hurt 2 Healing march against domestic violence and sexual assault that was actually spearheaded by two brothers, Jesse and Deric Muhammad. That was another turning point in my journey. That event, which hosted a lineup of women who have survived domestic violence, sexual abuse and assault, has forever impacted my life because it gave me another glimpse into what I believe is my purpose and reason why Allah (God) brought me to life.

From that event, Hurt2Healing Magazine was born (2009). It allows women and men to receive real testimonies from other survivors of not only domestic violence and sexual assault, but also drug addiction, depression, anxiety, loss of loved ones, self-esteem, spirituality and other areas of life that experience turbulence. Most people are hesitant to seek out counseling, so the magazine was a non-invasive method of that where people could go in at their discretion and read and receive what they were looking for and what they needed.

Hurt2Healing Magazine has featured community, national and international events including live coverage. We’ve published various profiles of other great women doing wonderful work, and interviews of men who are doing great work.

In December 2014 we hosted the second Hurt2Healing event entitled: Turning Wounds Into Wisdom – The Women of Transformation Summit. It was a women’s only event that featured three dynamic speakers (Jillian ‘JJ’ Simmons, Kelly Sergeant and Mavis Jackson) who shared very personal stories of their fight with emotional abuse, sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence and drug addiction. We also hosted a panel discussion that featured topics on the above subject along with stalking abuse. It was the most intense event I’ve ever witnessed, yet it was so liberating, inspiring, and empowering to see what healing looks like face to face in those women. They gave everyone in that room hope, despite what they were going through. That event was streaming live via All Real Radio, founded by ZIN, and it was video recorded by Shareef Shabazz.

We had guests from a woman’s transitional facility of women who were recently released from being incarcerated. They were recovering prostitutes, recovering drug addicts and a few murdered their abusers or the abuser of their children. It was an honor to have them present. That following month, we began holding Wounds2Wisdom classes with the women of that facility. For nine months straight we facilitated classes on self-esteem, knowing your value, healthy relationships, setting boundaries, spirituality, and more. It was another turning point in my journey. Those women made a great impact on me and further confirmed my purpose for being here.

This year, Wounds2Wisdom launch a free e-course, “How to Change the Way You View Yourself In 5 Weeks” that focuses on how important our view of self is and how much it plays into our ability to truly love ourselves despite what we’ve been through or told throughout our lives that was abusive.

There are soooo many magazines on the shelves throughout the country and it’s hard to find one that is unique, fulfilling and is not saturated with half-nude or sex-related ads.

Well before you give up on the search, I ask that you give this magazine a try.But it’s really more than a magazine, it’s a movement. A movement of virtue. Yes, virtue. It’s called Virtue Today Magazine and it is the brainchild of publisher Audrey Muhammad.

This is not a lightweight word (virtue) nor is this a lightweight magazine. It’s seriously about elevating the standard amongst our women and girls.Ok, I won’t start “preaching” (smile). But I have enjoyed reading every edition and I even had the honor of being a featured columnist in the special President Obama edition.

This issue of Virtue Today is called the “Healing issue”. The cover features Erykah Badu. Would you like insight on how to find your purpose? How can you heal from abuse and move forward with your life? Would you like keys to achieve this and more? This issue is for you!

For more about Virtue Today log on to: www.virtuemag.comAlso, below is the official logo of the new Virtue Today Magazine’s“Protectors of Virtue” Campaign. This is a campaign against domestic violence and child abuse. Support people like Audrey Muhammad. She is making a difference one edition at a time.

Stop the violence and abuse towards women.

Virtue Today Magazine: How to find Happiness and Heal from abuse….a must read edition! was last modified: July 16th, 2015 by BJ Blog Staff

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1 week agoYesterday afternoon, I had the honor of being the guest speaker at the 2nd official meeting of the newly-formed revolutionary African-American Culture Club ( @aacckf ) on the campus of Klein Forest High School. In my short presentation, we touched on True #BlackHistory , Finding Purpose, Being A Difference Maker, The 5 P’s Of Organizing, and Why Their Generation is The Answer to The Prayers of Our Ancestors. This was followed by my favorite part: Q/A and plans for follow-up action! This growing group inspired me more than they know. Thank you to all of the club officers (Medina, Jessica, Deaven, Kharee) and

7 days agoLINK IN BIO‼️Show your love for a man who has dedicated 64 Years of his life to serving our people and humanity! ⠀ ⠀ Please join the members of the Nation of Islam and our supporters in showing appreciation for the unwavering dedication of the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan by Donating to the Annual Saviours’ Day Gift. ⠀ ⠀ Click the link in my bio!! Thank you in advance!! ⠀ ⠀ #Farrakhan#NationOfIslam#SavioursDayGift#ThankYou#Love

7 days agoWe’re 30 days away from Saviours’ Day weekend in Chicago. The Honorable Minister @LouisFarrakhan is scheduled to deliver the Saviours’ Day address on Sunday, February 17th at the @unitedcenter in Chicago. For tickets visit: NOI.org. #SD19CHI#Farrakhan

4 days ago#FreeMarziehHashemi#Repost@presstvchannel ・・・ Marzieh Hashemi, a journalist and anchor working for Iran’s English-language Press TV television news network, has been detained and imprisoned in the United States for unspecified reasons. American-born Hashemi, most famous for anchoring news programs and presenting shows for Press TV, was detained upon arrival at St. Louis Lambert International Airport in St. Louis, Missouri, on Sunday, her family and friends said. Press TV has learned that she was transferred by the FBI to a detention facility in Washington, D.C. The US officials have so far refused to provide any reasons for her apprehension either to

19 hours agoSAVIOURS’ DAY GIFT‼️ Please join the members of the Nation of Islam and our supporters in showing appreciation for the unwavering dedication of the Honorable Minister @LouisFarrakhan by donating to the Annual Saviours’ Day Gift. ⠀ ⠀ Click the link in my bio! Thank you in advance! ⠀ #Farrakhan#NationOfIslam#SavioursDayGift#ThankYou#Love