Hello!

My name is Ally Bean and this is my personal blog answering the question: "What up, Buttercup?" I'm here a few times a week-- unless, of course, I'm not. And yes, I wear eyeglasses. Spectacles, if you will.

Please Note

“I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.”

My 9-Word EU-Compliant Privacy Policy

5 Simple Straightforward Truths About People

I share the following because no snit-based personal revelation will ever be overlooked on this blog.

If I’m handed the fuzzy end of the lollipop, you know darned well I’m going to make a post of it.

To wit, I found this list in an undated file with the title: How To People. I’m not sure why I wrote the list, but clearly I. was. in. a. mood.

Not mincing words. Leaning toward cynical. Tired of being ignored by the world. Determined to figure out why.

And planning to never let it happen again.

~ ~ • ~ ~

5 Simple Straightforward Truths About People

1) People lie. [Gregory House, M.D., said this, of course.]

2) People do what works for them. [I think this is from Dr. Phil.]

3) There are three specific motivators, or a combination thereof, which compel people to do what they do: safety, status, &/or creativity. [I learned this in Psych 101, and man-oh-man is it true.]

4) The people around you are there for: a reason, a season, or life. [This sounds Hallmark-y to me, but don’t know source for sure.]

5) It’s time to let go of a person when: you’re not learning anything new and there’s no possibility of him or her changing. [I used to be on 43 Things, a goal-setting social media community, & some guy left me this advice about one of my goals.]

People can be perfectly enjoyable and worthwhile when you know everything about them. People are never beyond change. However, I agree that it would be perfectly senseless to base your life around them changing. They may not change in the direction or time you expect.

I would say:
It’s time to let go of a person when you consistently don’t want to be with them or you’re continuing to be hurt or ignored and they are not making current efforts to change that.

I almost took out “don’t want to be with them” because in my life that is a sign of my illness and not a sign of a problem with them or the quality of the friendship. Its just me isolating due to depression. However if you are mentally healthy and find time spent with someone to be a burden all the time – perhaps its time to look at the friendship/relationship.

itsathought2, I love your revision. It makes sense. I think there’s much to be learned about yourself from people who you don’t like, but at a certain point you have to detach before they drive you crazy. Thanks for joining in the conversation.

I worked for a boss that told me “If work isn’t fun you’re in the wrong job. Fix that.” It sounded goofy at the time because no one admits to liking their job. I found it to be true. Job changing isn’t easy and most people don’t want to do it. I could say the same about people but occasionally you have to hump through a “bad period” a person is going through. I have a friend that retired about a year ago. She is getting very boring and I find I’m starting to distance myself from her (she’s just not fun and I’m getting to old to hang around!). Perhaps she fits in your #5.

Kate, I’ve never heard that saying but I can understand the wisdom in it. Especially when it comes to people who you voluntarily hang out with. I agree that your friend is an example of #5, should you decide to move on. Weird how life works like that.

Oh, Gregory House’s “Everybody Lies” mantra. It’s true. And it’s not really so dire, just true. I loved that show so much, even after it Jumped The Shark.

Self-preservation is always The Name Of The Game, isn’t it? I guess, in the final analysis, we have to do What Is Best For Ourselves. It’s difficult to evaluate relationships and their value objectively, but if those relationships aren’t balanced, they Have To Go.

I’ve had to do this several times, and it was terribly difficult. The end result was absolutely worth it overall.

Your Hallmark saying is a good one to remember, though. Many people come into our lives only temporarily. Not everyone is meant for the long haul. I keep that in mind always.

Like you say, sooner or later you see the patterns, realize the simple direction of things, and decide there’s just so much time left and why spend it with annoyances.
#4 isn’t a bad thing – people do whirl through – enjoy what is and know many things are not meant to be there only for a period.
5 is better than more. Distilled like Carrie said

philmouse, I agree about #4. I have no problem with it, can see relationships for what they are. In fact, I have no judgement about any of these points. Just glad I figured it out when I did. Now if I could only remember why I wrote this list…

Margaret, interesting! I love to learn “how” people do what they do. I think everyone [with any sense] knows that they have to keep safe & if you are comfortable with a lie here or there– then you’ve accomplished what you need to do. No guilt, indeed. 🙂

Number 5 hit me like a lead balloon. When I finally figured out, after 30 years, that the husband wasn’t going to change…it was time to move on. That’s when I found out about #4 and how awesomely true it is.

bikerchick57, that is a powerful memory based on #5. I can only imagine how difficult that experience must have been for you. I agree whole-heartedly about the truth in #4, even if it took me decades to figure it out.

I think of people who cannot change, and who have nothing new to teach us, and I think if you like who they are, and you know them well, that’s enough. It’s if you don’t like who they are they they need to go.

People coming and going in our life is very true, but I don’t always like it. I’ve let some friends go, and had some let go of me, and sometimes there is the unanswered question of ‘why?’

J, you make an excellent point. Just because someone fits the criteria in #5 doesn’t mean they have to go. Smart woman. I agree.

I hate the lack of closure when the friendship ends and you don’t know why it did. I’ve been in the same situation. As Zen-Den [Esq] would ask: is this ritual or a relationship? The answer to that question often explains it all.