Down the Rabbit Hole​

or A House of Dreams and Mirrors

Most of us are familiar with the classic book, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, and the curiosity that begins Alice’s adventure. We see Alice chase the strange, white rabbit, peering over the edge of a steep incline, before falling down the deep dark hole, staring upward, watching the world as she knows it disappearing into a tiny speck of light. But soon, Alice is engaged in the new and strange world around her, exploring and trying to figure out just how she might make it home again. As of late, I have been feeling very much like Alice.

As a frightening pandemic has swept the globe, we are finding ourselves in new territory. The world as we have known it is shifting, and we are left wondering if things will ever be the same. Maybe hoping they will be. Maybe hoping that they won’t. But regardless of what we hope for, we are faced right now with the changes, the fears. Families are on top of each other or separated and isolated from each other until further notice. We are stuck inside. With ourselves.

I never noticed how many mirrors I had in the house until a few days after our city was put under a mandatory quarantine order. Every time I look in the mirror I see a different me. My body distorts. My age changes. Sometimes I’m pretty. Sometimes I put on a sweater to cover my belly. I have put on makeup a total of one time. But more than my outer self, I see so many things I have been ignoring.

This quarantine has forced us inside our homes, but more than that, it has forced us inside ourselves. It has forced us to face the mirror and look deeply at “Me.” What have you been avoiding? What thoughts, ideas, dreams, wishes have you shoved deep down that are now surfacing? I live in a house of mirrors and dreams. I sleep at least 10 hours every night. And the nights are filled with dreams. Dreams of friends I haven’t seen in years, family who have passed to the next realm, past loves, the family I have and treasure now. I have dreams of dreams I had forgotten, dreams of eyes glinting in mirrors that might be mine or might be yours. We’re all disappearing into the dreamtime, the world that exists inside the looking glass, down the rabbit hole.

As a lightworker, I talk to people about this type of work often. Shadow Work and Inner Child Work are different, but connected. Two sides of the same coin. I have done my fair share of this type of work and guided others through theirs. Usually, it’s controlled. We choose to carve out precious time from our hustle and bustle, to look inward, to pinpoint something we want to focus on. We pick it up, connect with it, examine it, manipulate it, try to heal from it, with it… This is not that. This is very much like being picked up and dropped into an ocean of ice and undercurrent. And there’s only so much we can do to distract ourselves.

In 2018, I was fortunate enough to become friends with some of the most facinating people I have ever known. It was a magickal year for me and one I will never forget. We did a lot of work. A lot of predictions were made, by us and by others. All through 2018 and 2019, we worked long and hard, on ourselves and with anyone who would listen to us. We could see 2020. We saw massive destruction, world-altering natural disasters, the reclaiming of the Earth by Nature Herself. But we didn’t see what and where and how. We just knew things were coming. And come they have. And now we don’t have the security of the others around us. Because it’s time to come home, to come back to the self.

Tonight, I looked in the mirror, and I don’t even know who I am. My identity is so wrapped up in others that I, alone, feel like a blank slate. In a way, I am a mirror. I see others’ lives and needs and feelings; reflect them back to them so they can make their choices. Who am I without others? Who have I been? Who do I want to be? Perhaps a mirror is just that. Perhaps acceptance is needed. Perhaps I will find another world as I give up control and peer more deeply into my Self.

This is my journey, but it is also for you. This is a journey for all of humanity. We share a path, though our journeys are not the same. We are all one. We are all connected. We are all falling down the same rabbit hole. We all have a mirror to face. My journey may not be yours, but I feel you as you feel me. We are destined to create this existence together. We must allow before we become. The caterpillar must disintegrate before it becomes a butterfly. And so I urge you: Let go. Let yourself fall. Lose track of time. Let yourself sleep. Dance. Howl. Paint. Revel in the dreams. Look in the mirror.

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