SHOUT me a beer. Good on ya, mate.

Valentine’s Day: Nothing says ‘I love you’ like pink weapons

If that old romantic Rooster Cogburn were here, he’d look you right in the eyes, er, eye, and say: “Nothing says I love you like non-lethal self defense.”

Thankfully, you don’t need to spend hours at the mall to find the perfect weapon for that special someone, when everything she’ll ever want to shock, blind or gouge is all under one roof.

Yes, it’s as if the Ninja Cops Superstore could read your lady’s mind. Sure, she’s pleased that violent crime is down 6.2 percent. But, like all professional women, she still wants to be able to cause immense pain to any jerkwad male who might deserve it. It’s a basic female need.

Ninja Cops Superstore is there for her. (And for men, too – get 15% off orders greater than $50 by using coupon code NINJA15).

So, where to begin the Valentine’s shopping? Well…

For the woman who has quite a set of lungs, how about the Big Bore Blow Gun? There’s nothing like a .40 caliber, precision manufactured blowgun made out of seamless T-6061 aircraft aluminum tubing. These babies are accurate to 250 feet, and darts can penetrate ¼” of plywood! Each blowgun comes with 12 target darts, mouthpiece, muzzleguard, foam grip and two dart quivers. Perfect for the woman who spells relief: b-l-o-w-g-u-n.

Now Mr. Valentino, let’s be honest. It’s been a very long time since you put that ring on your lady’s finger, right? And although the 1/32 carat diamond chip is still lovely, how much good will it do when a downtown crack-head tries to bite off your lady’s ring finger? Not much! If you’re thinking, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if a lady’s ring could be beautiful AND blind a guy with pepper spray,” the professionals at Ninja Cops Superstore read your mind!

Whether her ring finger is a ‘Posh Spice’ 6 or an ‘Oprah’ size 14, Ninja Cops has the perfect Stun Ring Pepper Spray, in her choice of gorgeous faux silver or simulated gold. It’s ‘a crime’ that a would-be robber won’t get to enjoy the lovely rings, since he’ll blinded by a cayenne pepper-derived compound that causes massive dilation of capillaries and acute inflammation of the respiratory system. If that doesn’t say ‘l love you’, we don’t know what does.

If Cupid needs to amp up the Valentine’s Day firepower while still catering to the most feminine of women, you cannot go wrong with the Streetwise Pink Hottie Small Fry–1,000,000 V Rechargeable Mini Stun Gun. This is the highest voltage stun gun available. As the bright electric current pulsates between the test prongs and creates an intimidating electrical sound, an attacker with any sense at all will be stopped in his tracks. If the sight and sound does not stop him, a jolt from this unit certainly will!

Guys, high voltage comes at a cost. But she’s worth it.

And even though Valentine’s Day is for your sweetheart, don’t forget little Olivia or Sophia. They probably shouldn’t have their own Hello Kitty tasers or stun grenades until 1st grade, but don’t leave them empty-handed on Valentine’s Day!

Why not give them the adorable Kiddi Blinker which lets you scope in on them from up to half a mile away, much farther than you really need for the blowgun. Ha, just a little Valentine’s Day Humor from Rooster Cogburn and your friends at Ninja Cops Superstore.

Something about a taser or firearm being in the hands of my spouse doesn’t compute. How long before the Valentines Day gift “afterglow” fades, and thoughts turn to how these most-thoughtful gifts can be used to motivate the husband. Ever pissed-off the old lady? Nothing says revenge to them like the glock.