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Mark Twain said, “A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.” This makes no fucking sense because truth is a quality of a statement which describes its factual accuracy and isn’t a human being which might wear shoes. But he might have been trying to point out how easily it is to make false statements and misrepresent the truth compared to the effort required to correct the lies. Read More

How I Won The War On Terror For America By Adopting A Dog (You’re Welcome)

I don’t want to be one of those internet writers who write about their pets and do “Sundog” blog posts, but there’s a pretty weird story which needs to be told about how I got her. This is my new friend Darwin: Read More

Obama agrees to concede 2012 election, Republicans agree to have sex with the First Lady and kick First Daughters in the neck

BY JOE DIXON

Obama hails the bipartisan victory, which will limit him to one term in office, allow Republicans to have sex wife his wife and kick his children in the neck

WASHINGTON — In what’s being hailed by the White House as a “victory for bipartisan cooperation,” President Barack Obama has conceded the 2012 presidential election to whomever the Republican nominee happens to be. The deal also lays the groundwork for the formation of a bipartisan, bicameral committee, which will be tasked with sexually violating the First Lady and kicking the President’s daughters, Sasha and Malia, in the throat.

Happy 9/11 anniversary everyone! This year is going to be extra special because we have ten fingers and we’ve set up our numerical system based on that arbitrary amount. The news media is going to capitalize on this hard: Fox News has a special on it about how George W. Bush killed Osama bin Laden on September 12 with only night-vision goggles and a sword. MSNBC has one about how we antagonized the Muslim world by locking up “suspected terrorists” indefinitely without charges and invading a few Middle Eastern countries. And the most outrageous of the tragedy opportunists are planning a march in Manhattan to mark the 10 year anniversary of everyone’s favorite act of mass murder. Read More

For decades, scientists have tried to discover whether or not animals have an ability to predict earthquakes. And now thanks to David Gregory, host of Meet the Rise of the Planet of the Press, they may be one step closer to an answer. Read More

Last week on The Daily Show, Jon Stewart did a segment on how the media’s been conspicuously avoiding coverage of the Quixotic Presidential campaign of Ron Paul. His supporters loved it, probably hoping that more coverage of Paul would mean more people getting on board with his campaign. But more coverage means more coverage of his crazier positions too, and there are a lot of them.

During the 2008 Republican candidate “debates” (they’re kind of like debates in that people in suits stand at lecterns), the candidates were asked to raise their hands if they believed in evolution. Most of the candidates did so, including Ron Paul. Then John McCain said something goofy about how he helped Jesus dig the Grand Canyon, or something like that. Shortly afterwards, a video showed up on the internet of Paul telling a much smaller, conservative Christian audience that he doesn’t believe in evolution:

If you’re like me, you’re out of work. Or maybe you’re only half like me, and you’re working but it’s only part time. Or you’re only kind of like me because you are working full time but it’s a temp job which will, when it ends, make you like me. Or maybe you’re working full time, making good money and even have life insurance and a nice place to live. If that’s you, please kill yourself. I fucking hate you. I hate you and your mother is a whore. How do you like that, fuck face?

Anyway, for those of us who are NOT working or only sort of working, well, welcome to the new economy. Welcome to America for the foreseeable future.( http://www.rawstory.com/rawreplay/2011/07/krugman-proposed-debt-deal-will-cost-jobs-and-revenue/)

So what do you do? How do you handle a shitty job market? Especially if you went to college and are saddled with student loans because you borrowed money from that Sallie Mae (http://money.cnn.com/2011/08/01/news/economy/debt_ceiling_students/index.htm) bitch?

Well, you’re in luck. While the economy is horrible, jobs are being added. Good paying jobs. Here are few professions open to you, even if you didn’t go to college or graduate high school.

Become a Blackmailer: No, not a black male. Those jobs are awful. A blackmailer is someone who gets information on a person that is embarrassing or possibly criminal and for a small fee promises not to share that information with anyone else. Many people have secrets that they’d pay top dollar to keep secret. Some good targets for blackmail are gay men who operate gay raparation clinics while their wives are running for president (http://www.southfloridagaynews.com/news/politics/4188-bachmann-refuses-to-answer-questions-about-gay-conversion-therapy-.html). Closted Homosexuals in particuar (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_Hudson) but Christians in general (http://www.slate.com/id/2247861/) are always a good source for blackmail.

Do you have what it takes to become a blackmailer? Did you study journalism, law or any other area that requires dogged research? Having a background in IT so you know how to hack into people’s phones or computers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/News_International_phone_hacking_scandal) is also helpful.

There are many downsides to being a blackmailer. The trick to being successful in this profession is being able to tell who is more open to blackmail and who is not. In fact, in some cases, no blackmail has to take place. Some people have to just be responsible for “no wrongdoing in the case whatsoever by anyone” (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A7578-2004Oct28.html) to get them to open their wallets. While others, can be more of a hard ass when it comes to throwing few bucks a guy’s way. (http://articles.nydailynews.com/2009-10-01/entertainment/17935059_1_david-letterman-cbs-news-producer-late-night)

Become a Meth Cook: Being a drug dealer is dangerous work involving long hours and not always good pay. However, actually creating people’s drug choice is another matter all together (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUsAfYSROKQ&NR=1) and Methamphetamine is a booming market (with the help of big pharma, no less) (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/meth/)! One of the best things about being a meth cook is you are never too old to give it a try. This is true even if you live in country where the people talk funny (http://www.abc.net.au/news/2011-08-03/73yo-charged-over-2412m-ice-bust/2822288/?site=sydney). Now, I know some might call it a drug problem but you should think of it as a drug opportunity.

Another point in Meth cooking’s favor is white guys like the drug (http://alcoholism.about.com/b/2007/01/30/the-typical-meth-user-may-surprise-you.htm). Which means, if you are a white guy yourself you probably know other white guys making for a customer base you have easy access to. If you’re not a white guy then here is your chance to screw over the white devil. It’s win-win no matter how you look at it.

The down sides to Meth Cooking is pretty easy to avoid. For one thing, don’t piss off the guy you’re cooking for. You must also be sure to keep your nosey wife out of it. You should definitly not have a DEA agent for a brother-in-law and for fuck sakes, don’t partner up with a former student whose a druggie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlvOFVoI1SY) beyond those things, though, it’s easy living all the way.

Become a Panda Inseminator: No doubt many will be surprised that neither Prostitute nor Porn actor made the cut for jobs of the future. The reason for this is simple, nobody is going to pay to have sex with you. And even less people will pay to watch you have sex. However, everyone cares if pandas fuck (http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/no-new-panda-cub-for-zoo-this-year/2011/06/27/gIQAv5rRTI_story.html). Why not get a job jacking off a male Panda and putting it’s jizz up a female pandas kooch? If you’re a man, chances are you already know how to wrap your hands around a cock and pull it for all it’s worth. If you’re a woman you probably know how to give a hand job and if you don’t then you clearly weren’t raised Muslim.

Probably the biggest downside to this job is not having to deal with Panda cum but running across a carton of ZenDon Vanilla Soy Milk in the super market and getting nauseous. (http://vitanetonline.com/Organic-Foods/95878-5/vitamins/SOYMILK-ORGANIC-VANILLA/)

Become a Pet assassin: Like most children, you probably dreamed of one day growing up and becoming a hit man for the mob like Richard Kuklinski (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Kuklinski). Sadly, though, those types of jobs are fewer and far between than they use to be unless you want to work for the government and live overseas (http://www.salon.com/news/opinion/glenn_greenwald/2010/04/07/assassinations). However, in the exciting emerging field of Pet Assassin you can make good money killing something while avoiding getting a passport and having to learn Arabic.

Assainating people’s pets is a step up from kidnapping them for ransom because many pets are mircochipped, making it easy to trace their whereabouts. A .22 between Scooby Doo’s eyes, though, makes mircochip technology irrelevent. Hey, wait a minute, why didn’t anybody try that in those stupid cartoons?

Anyway, the best place to look for customers is around 2am. Survey neighborhoods in well off areas that have pet runs. Listen out for any barking dogs. When you hear one, note what building it’s coming from. The next day, hang around said building and ask if anyone “heard that dog last night?” Whoever complains the loudest about losing sleep is your customer. See how much she’ll pay so that Lassie doesn’t disturb her rest ever again.

Now that I think about it. You might also open up a side business dealing with car alarms. Nothing wrong in wacking a car alarm, I’m sure we can all agree.

Become a Naked Kal Penn: Are you famillar with the Naked Cowboy?

The Naked Cowboy is a guy named Robert John Burck who hangs around Times Square wearing a cowboy hat, cowboy boots and two pairs of briefs. He performs for NYC tourist by struming a guitar and sing songs. He places said guaitar around his play area so as to give the impression that he’s naked. The folks from the flyover states eat this shit up and it has helped this dude make some good coin. Now, are you famillar with Kal Penn?

He’s the former Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Engagement whose actually more famous for being the doctor who kills himself on House. Although even more people may know him from this

Harold & Kumar Go Too Far

Apparently, he’s also been signed to appear as a recurring character on something called How I Met Your Mother, a show this author has never seen despite it featuring both Willow Rosenberg (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willow_Rosenberg) and Doogie Howser, MD. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dougie_Howser)

In any case, there is a big demand for Kal Penn impersonators as anyone will tell you. And even more to see his backside. So why not you? I’m mean impersonate him, not see his backside. You’re not of Indian ancestry, you say? Why let that stop you? That’s why they call it acting, stupid.

Noted comedian, Arj Barker has been wowing crowds for years doing his Naked Kal Penn routine.

Probably the biggest down side to becoming a Naked Kal Penn is being asked does the carpet match the butt cheeks?l

Promising career options you should definitely look intoby Joe Dixon

If you’re like me, you’re out of work. Or maybe you’re only half like me, and you work part time. Or you’re only kind of like me because you work full time — but it’s a temp job, which, when it ends, will make you like me.

Or maybe you’re working full time, making good money and even have life insurance and a nice place to live. If that’s you, I fucking hate you and your mother is a whore. How do you like that, fuck face? Read More

Last winter I wrote an article about five religious organizations you should hate. And since The BEAST is the one and only True News Source (peace ‘n blessings be upon Us), you may have missed some new developments for those groups. So here they are! But (spoiler alert) you should know that none of these updates should make any decent person stop hating them. Read More

If I were to write a BEAST editorial about how journalists these days are being too offensive to people of faith and spirituality, everyone who read it would rightfully think of me as a huge hypocrite. Or maybe they’d think I’d suffered some kind of brain injury. When you’ve written about faith issues in the way I have, you kind of forfeit your right to complain about people doing the same. Read More

“Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.”
-Voltaire

Melissa Harris-Perry, seen here being incredibly full of shit.

I like Rachel Maddow’s show. It’s one of the few I can stand on MSNBC. Sure, she slips into the “Defend the President and Party At All Costs” mode from time to time, but it’s nowhere near as egregious as some of her fellow hosts on the network. Also, her head is not a ginormous wonder to all surviving phrenologists, which is another plus. Read More

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