Resurrection After Rape Community Group

Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...

Open Letter to Victoria

This morning you asked me, \"can you go back to being my therapist for just a little while?\" Nothing would make me prouder, except to also be your friend, which means I am very blessed today. I want you to know that even in your moment of suffering, you still gave a gift and it meant a lot. See, I\'ve tried for many years to become the kind of person you see me as, the one who has a beloved friend like you who couldn\'t imagine NOT calling me for support. I am not, and would not be, that person for everyone. For you, absolutely.

I didn\'t fix anything for you. I just held your hand. But sometimes, even that is what a therapist does. And sometimes it\'s just what a friend does for a friend. But please remember what you said: we are not a tribe because we share a common wound, or that would exclude me and we wouldn\'t be able to understand one another. We are a tribe because we share a common value that we have each rediscovered within ourselves, and as a result we care for one another. You said you had wanted to do things right for yourself, and also for every other strong woman. I am really proud of that, because your ability to see this issue as something larger than one man, one window, and one woman is what makes you such a tremendous ally for all of us.

That makes me so proud of you. Even in a low time, you are still fighting for your hope and your happiness again; youÃ¢??re not letting that be taken. A hopeless person would not have called me. A hopeless person would not have grieved, not at all. A hopeless person would not have wanted to uplift her entire tribe even in the midst of her fear. A hopeless person would not have been thinking about how her choices affect herself and other women. A hopeless person would not have found humor and laughter, even during tears! A hopeless person would not have taken command of the choices and actions she undertakes afterward. A hopeless person would have told herself not to call me, making her own needs less important than \"I don\'t want to bother anyone.\"

The fact that you KNEW you could call me doesn\'t say something about the kind of person I am, it says that you have fully, genuinely realized that I would be available because of the kind of person YOU are. If you didn\'t truly believe you are loved, you would not have called. If you thought for a minute you really were unimportant, unnecessary to me, small, insignificant, or destined for wounding, you would not have reached out. You called - twice, in fact - because you knew someone you loved had also seen your worth and loved you back. And THAT, Victoria, is the true story of this morning. I hope you will let a man like me, not a man like him, help you translate last night into what this story says about a woman like you.

In the end, of course, neither man, me nor him, actually has the right or the power to define this story. You do. I just hope you make those connections and interpretations by noticing that there are more ways you are known and seen and handled than as \"victim.\"

Please take care of yourself. Don\'t let your sense of obligations to the Tribe cause you to \"adopt the language of the survivor\" while it\'s still your time to grieve, to question, to doubt, to shudder, and to feel stunned. Don\'t force down those tender feelings so you can look like our role model; we have enough role models of costumed \"tough girls.\" We need someone to show us that a woman can be sad, and still strong. She can be confused, and still strong. She can reach out to others, and still be strong. We need THAT kind of role model, because so few women have her. Please use your genuine emotions to teach us, not \"get it together, Victoria!\" self-talk. We all need to be reminded that in a tribe, each person is part of every other person\'s strength. So many people in our tribe are timid about seeking help, or they might do it in an unhealthy way by provoking urgent pity or crisis rather than thoughtful, reasoned, and honest mutuality with one another. This is a form of mentoring I can\'t show as well as you can. The moment a wounded woman says to herself, \"I need help but I don\'t want to bother anyone\", she\'s lost.

Don\'t judge your emotions. If you feel frightened, or if bumps and creaks worry you, don\'t beat yourself up by calling it stupid or weak. You need to listen to those emotions, talk back to them, reason through them, and not simply shut them up. Letting frightened emotions speak takes much more strength and courage than just suppressing them, so if you do label them, at least label them accurately: it is BRAVE to face silences, to explore emotions, and to reclaim the rights of choice, independence, and courage. These are not gifts that come with the passing of time; they are rewards for the choices you make to move toward them.

I once had you write a letter to a future survivor; we never could have foretold she might be you. This letter is a gift to yourself, from you and God, to be exactly what you need. Please actually READ this again, and don\'t just say, \"Good one, Matt, but I already know what it says, so...skipping down...\"

To my Precious Friend,

I have struggled writing this letter to you. I wanted to find the perfect words to give you comfort and strength. I hoped that I could make things better for you. I finally realized, however, that the perfect words do not exist. What I can tell you is that while your journey will not be easy, you will find your way.
Your journey will be fraught with heartbreak and there are times when you will wonder if you will make it. There are times when you will feel alone. Please know that you are not alone. There are many people who care about you, love you, and want to help you. I wish that I could take your pain and despair and feel them for you, but I can\'t. You must face them. It won\'t be easy, but when you do you will be stronger than before.

The trauma that you have suffered can\'t be undone. You have lost something; or rather, something has been taken from you. While I can\'t promise that you\'ll get it back, what I can promise you is that your life has meaning and value even if you can\'t see it that way right now. You will feel pain and anger, grief and betrayal, loss and doubt. You will want to hide from what has happened and ignore the feelings that well up within you. Don\'t. I did for many years, and it almost killed me. A very wise and dear person showed me that I had to face, head-on, the thoughts and feelings that frightened me the most. He never gave up on me and as a result, I was able to not give up on myself.

The work has was and is my survival has been and will always be mine to do. So too is it for you. And although you and I will never meet, please know in your heart that I will never give up on you. We are survivors, you and me, born of the same mother. We are bound together forever by our blood and tears. I will stand beside you always and will love you forever as I have learned to love myself. Peace be with you on the journey ahead.

Set RAR aside. You don\'t need any of it right now, except for the last verse of Tonya\'s poem on the last page. All you need from RAR right now is to remember that it, not pain, is your real legacy, and it, not pain, defines your personhood. Treat yourself like you would treat me if I were there: with kindness, respect, a snack, a good book, a quilt and a sleepy cat, some music, some funny TV shows, and good conversation. And order a pizza tonight.

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