I know, I know. This is really late. But a lot happened in the episode! And I’ve been really busy! And yesterday Sarah and I caught ANOTHER mouse in our apartment! You can’t be mad at me, guys. So, The Bachelorette! Let’s talk about it.

Vaguely ethnic music indicates that we have left London and entered Dubrovnik, Croatia. Mensa scholar Emily says that it really is like “stepping back into time.” Ricki has been shipped back to Charlotte to hang with her babysitter, so that Emily can “just focus on the guys,” which I assume means dry humping without worrying about her kid walking in.

The gentlemen (LOL) arrive at the super swank hotel for which they have done nothing to deserve. Jef says Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love, and Chris wants to “remind Emily who [he is],” because – OH YEAH – there are still like 40 guys vying for her affections. Emily shows up in the suite to explain the dates for the week. Where the hell is Harrison? Dude has ONE job!

I google imaged “bachelorette travis wall” to find a pic of this stupid exercise without realizing that Travis Wall is the name of my favorite So You Think You Can dance contestant! ISN’T HE CUTE?!

Travis gets the first one-on-one. They are going to Old City Dubrovnik, where they wander around and annoy locals while Emily tries to remember the five facts the producers fed her about the town. They find some sort of stone step that sticks out of a wall, and apparently there’s a rule that if you can stand on it and take your shirt off without falling you will be lucky in love? I don’t want to be disrespectful here, but there is no way in hell that is a real thing. Travis balances, but does not take his shirt off, and Emily is annoyed that she didn’t get to peep the deets.

This is the stuff of nightmares.

Back at the hotel, the men are discussing Travis and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT TANK TOP RYAN IS WEARING?!? It’s an undershirt but so much more upsetting. He’s talking about something, but I can’t process anything that he’s saying because the tank top is just. so. bad.

Emily and Travis are having dinner in a really beautiful cave-like situation. Emily enjoys Travis, but wants to know if there’s any real chemistry between them. If you have to ask, it’s probably not happening – real talk. They talk about his ex-fiancé and how he hasn’t dated since they broke up two years ago and it’s all craaaaazy boring.

The group date card arrives at the hotel, and obviously it’s for everyone but Ryan, because he’s the only weirdo left and the Bachelorette producers are good at their job.

Travis keeps interviewing about how well he thinks the date is going, though I have a sneaky suspicion Emily isn’t singing the same tune. She picks up the rose and talks about how positive he is, and how much she appreciates that quality, and I think even Travis has finally caught on that she’s about to let him go. She continues that the friendship is definitely there, but ultimately she doesn’t want to bang it out with him, so it’s time for him to leave.

Somebody call the waaaaambulance.

Travis cries in his interview about how his heart is so big and he just wants someone to spoon with or something as we watch him walk sadly through the pouring rain. Of course – OF COURSE – he tosses his freaking umbrella on the ground so that at least he’ll have a head cold to remember Emily by.

Group date! The men and their many plaid shirts meet Emily in town. Emily says that sometimes she likes to have a low key movie date night, so they are going to be watching Pixar’s “Brave,” a movie that I’m sure all these thirty-something men were dying to see.

After the movie, the gentlemen are going to participate in their own Highland Games, some sort of athletic competition that happened in the movie? I think? I tend to tune out during the blatant integrations, so despite my very real desire to see the movie “Brave,” I wasn’t really paying attention to what was going on. SORRY. But anyway, all the dudes put on kilts and complain about how rough it is to wear a skirt because cultural sensitivity is of the utmost importance in Bachelor(ette) casting.

Camaraderie.

First up is archery, and Chris botches it in a big way. His form is laughable, and he’s the only one not to hit the target which is at best maybe 10 feet away. Next up is the caber toss, which I think is just picking up a log and throwing it as hard as you can? Chris is really proud of himself because he’s doing something new and crazy. “You don’t do this in Chicago,” he says like a fucking idiot. He messes up that too, though, because the log doesn’t roll? I don’t know. I don’t get caber toss. You don’t do that in New York. Everyone else but Jef manages to complete the challenge, and Sean is so strong that he breaks the log.

Finally we have some sort of tug of war with a stick, and Chris continues to be the worst. He finishes dead last, which is surprising only because Jef was also competing in this, and as much as I am starting to like him, he does not strike me as the most athletic. Emily gives Chris the “Bravery Cup” and a make out session as a consolation prize, and lies that big muscles aren’t what impress her.

Everyone has changed out of their gross, girly kilts and into their very masculine suitsand ties (THANK GOD, right?) and are ready for the cocktail party. Arie is freaking out because he hasn’t seen Emily since London, and he’s feeling unsure about everything. They go for a walk and he apologizes for not standing up for her more, because of course we’re not done talking about Kalon, and then they’re making out on the street. Fine. Arie is back to feeling confident. Great.

Back at the hotel, we are treated to some time with Ryan, who is quickly becoming my favorite character this season. He trims his gross facial hair and talks about all the things that he is good at (examples: being good looking, football) as he packs his bags.

Jef tells Emily that she gives him the kind of feelings that people write novels about. Okay, that’s a pretty good line… I’ll give it to him. She asks him why he waited so long to kiss her, and then they make out more. Jef is just so sweet and harmless. “Can I tell you a secret?” he asks. “I’m freaking crazy about you.” Well, Jef has dumb hair and looks like a senior in high school who is trying to be a rebel even though he’s totally on the honor roll, but he might be bringing the best game on this date.

Chris pulls Emily aside to tell her that he could see himself falling in love and being with her forever and ever and ever, so Emily gives him the rose. Sure.

Structured facial hair takes WORK.

The next day, the dudes are holding the inaugural meeting of the “I Hate Ryan Club” while he’s in the other room finishing his three hour grooming regimen. Emily arrives and joins them briefly while Ryan awkwardly hits on her in front of the other guys. Ugh, Ryan. Never change.

For their date, Ryan and Emily are going on a road trip. Ryan boasts about being a great driver as all the other cars on the road honk and speed by him. They go to another town to shuck oysters and get yelled at by an old man. What a fun date! They sit down and after Ryan pretends to be genuine for a second, he goes back to the old trophy wife trope. Emily interviews that she’s conflicted because he’s fun and playful, but also gross and sexist… and… Well, Emily, I don’t feel sorry for you.

“Somebody who loves to catch my eye.” “Somebody that stands by my side, good or bad.” “Encourager.”

Its dinner time and Ryan is not at all nervous about the rose because he is perfect in every way. He talks more about his idea of a wife, and that being a trophy wife means being beautiful and not fat but ALSO other things. Twelve other things. Which he has written down. On a list. Which he reads to Emily. Some highlights: “loves to laugh” “somebody that’s a servant” “unselfish” “sexy personality.”

To her credit, Emily looks super uncomfy as he’s going through his qualifications. She says that when she’s with him, he makes her feel a lot of pressure to be perfect. Rather than try to address this at all, he just says “thanks for bringing that up.” Damn it, Ryan! You’re so entertaining! Can’t you at least try to get her to keep you around!?

The answer is no, and Emily is not going to give him a rose because she wants a loving family, not a perfect one. Ryan is shocked because, in case you’ve forgotten, he is perfect in every way…and also he thinks they have potential. Emily starts to crumble under pressure and say that she’s not certain whether or not this is the right decision. So Ryan begs her to give him another shot, and we’re sent to commercial with Ryan’s fate hanging in the balance.

The men debate about whether or not he’s coming home. Everyone but Arie thinks that she’ll be swayed by his salesmanship and general perfection.

They’re wrong though! Because even with Ryan’s extensive plea for a second chance, Emily mumbles some nonsense and then finally says that she wants him to go. He’s disappointed and doesn’t want their time together to end, but even though she’s not 100% confident, she’s going to send him home. He tells her she’s making the wrong decision as he hugs her goodbye.

Then we see the men literally jump up and down, hug and high five as Ryan’s luggage is removed. Meanwhile he’s blabbering about how he’s still a winner, and even great men sometimes get knocked down. I could listen to Ryan talk about himself forever. Bring him back! More Ryan! Spinoff!

Smooth.

Arie decides that Emily’s probably in a dark place since she had to send Travis and Ryan home, so he’s going to take this opportunity to sneak in her room and try to cop a feel. He congratulates her on making the ride decision, and says that even though it was hard, Ryan wouldn’t have been a good husband. She says that she gave him too hard of a time in London, and then gives him the rose that she didn’t give to Ryan. I don’t think its binding, since she says she has to hide it, but it’s good enough for a heavy duty mack sesh. Arie interviews that he’s definitely in love and could ask Emily to marry him tomorrow. Terrifying.

Time for the cocktail party! Emily says she’s excited about all the remaining dudes, but Doug and the Wolf are on the cusp since she hasn’t really connected with them. The Wolf has been very guarded, and she wants to see something deeper from him. In their alone time, he says he knows he’s been closed off, but that he’s really a softy. He shows her his grandparents’ funeral cards, which he keeps in his wallet. He thinks his grandfather is his guardian angel, and Emily is swooning because grief = love when you’re on a reality dating show.

😦

Doug is awkward and mumbly and Emily has to tell him to sit close to her and physically put his arm around her. It’s uncomfortable. Apparently his nickname is “Humble Doug,” but she wants him to be “Confident Doug,” which is just… not going to happen. Doug interviews that he feels unsure and misses his kid and then he turns into “Weepy Doug.”

After the break, Doug and Wolf are commiserating about how hard it all is, while Emily looks at the glamour shots of the remaining men for way too long. Harrison greets the men (WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!) and tells them that one person is going home tonight. Emily tells the men that there’s something great about all of them, and she’s really not confident about her decision tonight. I bet that makes them all feel awesome.

Sean and his muscles are first. Jef. Arie. Doug and the Wolf are unsurprisingly the last two remaining. Emily is having a hard time, and disappears to find Harrison, who is chatting up a PA outside. OOH. So that’s what you’ve been doing all week. He tells her that from the beginning he’s told her that there are no rules and that she can do whatever she wants. Wait what? Then she goes back in and tells them that she got to a moment and realized that she couldn’t hand out the final rose… BECAUSE SHE NEEDS TO HAND OUT TWO! This is anarchy! Doug and the Wolf both get to hang for another week, and they’re both pretty happy about it.

Next week: Prague! Romance! Drama! Arie used to date a producer! Chris needs to talk to Emily! Emily is PISSED. See ya then!