I am writing you today, Santa, but not on my own behalf. I’m older now, Santa, and I have everything I want or need. Though I wouldn’t mind a few more cat patients. Instead, I’m writing to ask for a few things for my colleagues in the wine business, the people who love and care about wine the way I do, and, yet, seem to have lost their way. Maybe you can help them, Santa, maybe you can make the wine world a nicer place in 2015. I hope so.

Santa, don’t you think it’s time for all of the old wine critics, and I mean OLD wine critics, to retire? What are they, the fucking Supreme Court of Wine? Appointed for life? I did notice the uncanny resemblance of James Laube to Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Yes, experience is a wonderful thing, and we should honor their many years of guiding us toward the finest wines, but old is old. It’s time to hang it up. The senses start to fade quickly as we age, like the finish of a cheap Prosecco. We smell what we expect to smell instead of what might really be in the glass, we taste what our experience teaches us to taste, and we assign scores that feel right. Of course there’s score inflation in the wine world, Santa, those old farts are getting sentimental. We’re critical in our 30’s and 40’s. After 60, it’s about acceptance, it’s about forgiveness, it’s about 94 and above. So, please, Santa, give my old critic friends the gift of retirement. They’ve had their day, it’s time to pass the battonage.

And while you’re at it, Santa, why not try to wise up some of the younger wine critics? So many of them jockeying for position trying to be the next Robert Parker. Look at Antonio Galloni, trying to buy influence by acquiring Steve Tanzer’s International Wine Cellar, and all Tanzer’s elves along with it. The Vinous acquisition of IWC reminds me of “Dancing with the Stars.” Some C List celebrity trying to curry favor by dancing with a washed up icon and thinking it will revive a career. It’s beneath both of them, like a midget dancing with Sofia Vergara. Santa, can you please let them know that there won’t be another Parker, and that, truthfully, that’s a good thing for wine. Give them the gift of contentment. They’re good critics, informed critics, talented critics—they have no place at the top of the wine review heap.

I know this is a lot to ask, Santa. But I wouldn’t ask you if it weren’t really important, if the very future of wine and wine journalism weren’t at stake. I just have a few more requests, bear with me.

Please, Santa, convince God He’s not Matt Kramer. Much simpler than the reverse.

And, Santa, remind those In Pursuit of Balance that pursuing it requires knowing what to do with it if you catch it. The donkey has been In Pursuit of the Carrot for a hundred years, and he’s still just an ass.

Make the discussions about Natural Wine go away, Santa. The only people who care are very troubled people. They’re the Mormon missionaries of wine, convinced of their own truths, and seeking converts in every backwater. I’m tired of reading about them, weary of their smugness and willful ignorance. I can get that from wine blogs. Wine has given in to the fashionable fanaticism that characterizes our age, and we all suffer. But, in the end, there is money to be made there, a niche to fill, a lonely choir to preach to, so just do your best, Santa. Do it with minimal intervention.

Just for laughs, Santa, make wineries tell the truth about their production levels. Let regular wine folks know that Silver Oak is about as hard to get as food poisoning from a Tijuana taco truck. That Opus One is about as exclusive as the Hair Club for Men. I’d appreciate it.

Maybe you could deliver a nice Christmas gift to Dr. Conti in prison, Santa. I’m thinking maybe a lovely Pardon from the Governor. Fake, of course. But it looks real. Only the Governor wasn’t in office in 1936.

I hope that this year, Santa, the wine business will see the true meaning of Christmas. That would be a first. James Suckling could rate the Virgin Birth 100 Points—“There’s good old conception, and then there’s Immaculate Conception. This one is perfect. God slipped it to Mary like I did to Wine Spectator.” Robert Parker could give 100 Points to countless wines. Wow! He has! Fast work, Santa, thank you. Bill Koch could donate his fake wines to homeless sommeliers, who wouldn’t know the difference anyway. Marvin Shanken could generously endow a wine writer scholarship for terminal patients whose last wish is to review wines—the Make-A-Fish Foundation. Oh, but I’m dreaming, Santa.

I’m simply grateful 2014 is almost over, Santa. I’m amazed I made it another year since my last letter to you. I think everyone will agree I’ve been in the business too long, that my bit is tired, my voice grating, my outrage tiresome, and my jokes lame. So, Santa, if you can, give me some inspiration to continue. When I wake on Christmas morning, I want to find courage in my stocking, and wit. I want to find wisdom and talent under the tree. I want to find laughter and honesty all wrapped up neatly. I’m about out of all of those things. So please bring them this Christmas, Santa. Please.

Blaise,Now we're talking! Free wine! Man, it would be like being a real wine blogger! A Christmas miracle.

John,You know what's funny, the original line was "...like dancing with Dolly Parton." Crap, how old am I? So I hipped it up to Sofia Vergara. I'm actually surprised the original line wasn't "...like dancing with Jayne Mansfield." But let's not lose our head--well, like Jayne did.

Batmang,Thanks! Welcome to the world of common taters. Make a New Year's resolution to do it more often in 2015.

As long as we're delivering presents, how about we deliver some merlot back to the wine shops. It's been over a decade since Sideways, can we please start drinking Merlot again? And how about we deliver a paycheck to some of our favorite bloggers, so we can get more blog posts? Finally, how about we deliver some amnesia to my wife, so she can forget about how much money I spend on wine?

As for Santa, that guy is an anti-semite. He stiffed me every year during my childhood. I personally can't wait until my kid is old enough to tell other kids Santa isn't real.

I have to type more here so I can justify the monumental letters I'll have to type to get through the capcha, which always makes me go through at least twice, because I never can figure out if those things are o or a, d or a, n or h, r or n, and so the hell on.

Charlie,Yes, I used that same exact line in a piece a couple of years back. As with any comic writer (which is what I aspire to be), every once in a while a joke demands to be resurrected. Maybe in this context it was funnier. Context is everything, like a blind joke tasting maybe.

Angela,Have no fear, you're always welcome as a common tater here. Don't let the old timers intimidate you--they're just the furniture.

Well, I am part English. My surname is English. But I was raised in the US. Funny, though, you're the second person in a few days to remark that I had an "English" sense of humor. Or, humour.

Thank you for the kind words.

Thomas,It's weird. The captcha reappeared here unsummoned by me. Some sort of NSA trick to try and keep my common taters confused. Like they aren't already.

Gabe,I got in this amazing Merlot from Tavel in the Rhone, just lovely wine full of Rhone-like flavors that defy you to quick slurping it...almost didn't bring it in, (nd didn't make it our December Wine of the Month) because it said Merlot on the label. Got this woman in looking of a wine for a holiday party, "something easy drinking and food friendly" so I walk her to this luscious little $12 Merlot and she takes pause, cocks her head and with a slightly pinched face says, "We don't like Merlot" but she took a case anyway. Wouldn't you know it, a day later her husband returned, with the case in hand, missing one bottle and tells me, "We didn't like it, we thought it tasted too Merlot-e". Killed me.

Greetings from Canada, home of the North Pole and its famous ice wine!!! Dr. Conti should have moved into ice wine since it doesn't seem too regulated abroad.

Anyway, I have a case or two of these spurious liquids...I could send them to you as felicitations and welcomes to the Great White North. Did you know that the MacKenzie Brothers came from the MacKenzie Valley of pipeline fame?

Mac -- Mac -- what's her name? Long blond hair, capital of Canada...anyway, Ron have a Merry and a Happy.....

Dean,Talk about timing, a reader of mine, in an effort to get me all pissed off and fired up, just sent me a link to a recent post/article from the long haired Mac Mac, one where she paired a, "Panettone Brie Tower with Merlot Wine". Ugh.

My Gorgeous Samantha,I keep wondering when the "m" word will come back into play. Consumers can be mighty stubborn. Though when I was a sommelier, I could sell Duckhorn and Paloma all night despite them being Merlot. Some producers get a pass.

Oh, and 'furniture' is a term of endearment. I just couched it poorly.

1WineDoody,Thanks for hanging out on my low-class wine blog! I like to think that being an elf is an honor, like being a Hobbit, but without all the pretentious babbling.

Happy Holidays!

Hey Doug,Petrus is Merlot?! Crap. Now I have to drink all of mine, because we all know Merlot doesn't age well--sort of like Rush Limbaugh.

The other day i told a grocery store wine steward that I was willing to pay up to $20 for a nice bottle of California Merlot. First he tried to sell me the Estancia Central Valley Merlot, which is a standard & poor bottle of $10 plonk. When I said I didn't want that, he tried to sell me a bottle of Loire Valley Cab Franc. Needless to say, I went home with a 6-pack of beer. When are you going to move your wine shop to Portland?

Gabe,I love the idea of a grocery store wine steward. Really? He's just a glorified stock boy. You need advice from that guy? That's like asking for dating advice from a 12-year-old. Which I did once, and it turns out you can sneeze and pee at the same time. If you're 12.

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About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.

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What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."--Robert Parker

"...With sometimes crude analogies and occasional droppings of f-bombs, Washam cleverly uses satire to expose the underbelly of the wine business. It's often hilarious stuff as long as you're not the one being lampooned.Washam takes no prisoners in skewering all that is silly, stupid, frustrating and pretentious about wine, and his favorite targets are other bloggers and writers. No one is immune."

--Linda Murphy in "Vineyard and Winery Management"

"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."--JancisRobinson.com

"How do you introduce Ron Washam, the Hosemaster of Wine? Two things:

First: I’m not sure if there is anyone better at cutting through the confidence trick that is often intrinsic to the business of wine.

Second: in a world where offending people appears to border on the illegal, the Hosemaster piles in. No one is safe."

--Joss Fowler "Vinolent.com"

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

--Robert Parker

"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."

--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."

--Steve Heimoff

"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."

--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences

"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."

--1WineDude

"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."

--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."

--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"

"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."

--Reign of Terroir

"Robert (Joseph) was/is funny unlike HoseMaster who wasn't/isn't."

--Will Lyons (WSJ) on Twitter

"Hey Ron, let me ask you: is it true that you pick on girls and old critics because you don't think that they'll come back at you? Because if so, you lose: I'm on your ass now, asshole."