The C Word
[ Season 1 | Episode: 14 ]

Yo, is this about that little redheaded intern? Cause she asked me to take it out.

Jack:

No, no, no. I wanted to invite you to join me a charity golf tourney that Don Geiss is hosting at his country club in Old Saybrook.

Tracy:

I’m not familiar with about half the words in that sentence.

Jack:

How about you come to me to a big party in Connecticut and meet Don Geiss?

Tracy:

Is that that the gay guy from "Project Runway"?

Jack:

No. He’s the C.E.O. of this corporation. The big man.

Tracy:

The dude from my checks?

Jack:

The dude from your checks, and a good person for you to know.

Tracy:

A'ight, sure. Thanks for inviting me.

Liz:

Oh, Hey, false alarm. It turns out she asked him to take it out. Oh hey.

Tracy:

I see you in CT, Jackie D.

Liz:

What's that about?

Jack:

I've invited him to join me at a G.E. charity golf tournament in Connecticut.

Liz:

Was Courtney Love not available?

Jack:

Liz, all the VPs will be angling to golf with Don Geiss, but my partner will be Tracy Jordan, his grandchildren's favorite movie star. Geiss will absolutely choose us, and that's a big deal because being in a foursome with this man can change your life.

Liz:

You might want to rephrase that.

Jack:

Golf with Geiss means four hours of face time with a man you normally only get 20 minutes with.

Liz:

Which one is Geiss again -- the bald one?

Jack:

No. That one.

Liz:

Where did that come from?

Jack:

I painted it myself.

Liz:

Wow, that's really good.

Jack:

You want one? Consider it done.

Liz:

All right, thanks.

Jack:

Simply the best. Mmm, mmm, mmm

Brain Storming

Liz:

Did anybody see Condoleezza on "Meet the Press" yesterday? She always sounds so terrified. She's always like, "The president has a for Iran, and we are currently adhering to that plan." Hey, Frank, wake up. You're not allowed to sleep through the topical meeting.

Frank:

Dude, I'm exhausted. I stayed up all night watching a Designing Women marathon.

Girl Writer:

Oh, my God. Me too.

Frank:

Yeah, at first I hated it. and then I liked it. and then I hated it again, and then I got horny, and then I fell asleep.

Liz:

Yeah, Well, focus up. We have a lot of work to do. Lutz, not while we're working.

Teresa:

Quien me dio esto?

Liz:

Oh, I'm sorry, Teresa. Oh, god.

Teresa:

Sorry, sorry, si, sorry.

Liz:

Okay. maybe something about the midterm elections?

Lutz:

Hey what about my "Dancing with the Hobos" Sketch?

Liz:

I didn’t like it two weeks ago when it was called "Americas Next Top Hobo", and I didn't like it a month ago when it was called "Hobo Eye for the Straight Guy".

Lutz:

"Deal or no Hobo?"

Liz:

Hey, Lutz, why don't you approach your job with the same creativity snd excitement you have for all you can eat buffets?

Page Van

Pete:

Okay, the van to take you to Connecticut will be leaving at noon, and once you get up to the golf course, you'll be working in pairs. So, Tim and Shyla, Amy and Becca, Kenneth and Grace, and Eric and Pat. Okay, have fun. Don't get drunk. Buddy up.

Kenneth:

Mr. Hornberger?

Pete:

Yeah.

Kenneth:

Grace and I cannot work together.

Pete:

Why not?

Kenneth:

We have a past -- a romantic past.

Kenneth:

Well Grace it’s been a pleasure talking to you. Grace Park, you know this can’t happen. We’re pages!

Look, Grace, this is obviously incredibly awkward for both of us, but let’s just try to be professional. Your peacock earrings loo nice. Doggone it, Grace. I just don’t know myself around you. Hello, gentlemen. Welcome to the 9th annual cure diabetes now golf tournament.

Jack:

Has Don Geiss arrived yet?

Kenneth:

No sir, but if you’d like, we can work out a signal so I could let you know when he does arrive. like...Cooo. Coooo.

Jack:

That won’t be necessary.

Kenneth:

I’ll probably just do it anyway.

The Runt

Pete:

That cold open you guys wrote last night came out really good.

Liz:

Oh thanks. It was like pulling teeth. They're so lazy sometimes, especially Lutz.

Pete:

Good job whipping him into shape. That thing is really smart. Now when Dennis Hastert farts, should that be live or prerecorded?

Liz:

Live, live -- It has to be live for the timing.

Pete:

Yeah, I thought so too.

Liz:

Look at these guys.

Greta:

Yeah, they like you. They’re very good at sensing debilitating loneliness in a person. Maybe you want to adopt one.

Liz:

Oh I can’t. I’m allergic to anything warm and adorable.

Lutz:

I’m sick of it. I’m doing my job and she just shoots me down in front of everybody. I don’t care if she's the boss, Liz is a grade A…

Ted, Amanda, so nice to see you. This is Tracy Jordan. Ted here is the head of our commercial aviation division.

Tracy:

You need to hook me up with one of them helicopters.

Ted:

Absolutely, I’d be happy to arrange for you to take a ride.

Tracy:

Nah, I don’t want to get in it. I want to blow it up and run away from it in slow motion.

Ted:

Pleasure to have met you.

Tracy:

Damn straight. I’m delightful!

Jack:

You're doing great. Everybody loves you.

Worst Name Ever

Frank:

In season 5 when Delta was really packing it on... glorious.

Liz:

We need to fire Lutz.

Pete:

What? why? What happened?

Liz:

He called me the worst name ever.

Frank:

What did he call you?

Liz:

I’m not going to repeat it. That’s how much I hate it.

Pete:

Fat-Can?

Liz:

No.

Frank:

Mouth Hooker?

Liz:

No.

Frank:

Monster Bits?

Pete:

Hatchet Face?

Liz:

No, the one that rhymes with your favorite Todd Rundgren album.

Frank:

It rhymes with “Hermit of Mink Hollow"?

Liz:

No!

Pete:

Oh. Oh, boy. Well you know, he was probably just blowing off steam. You can't fire a guy for cursing.

Liz:

I'm not upset by cursing. I love cursing. I love it. But this word is not acceptable because there's nothing you can call a guy back. There is no male equivalent to this word.

Pete:

Well, why don't we come up with one, and then you can call him that? Like, um, "muncus".

Frank:

"Fungdark"

Liz:

I'm serious, you guys.

Pete:

You're just in reaction right now. You need to just take a few hours and calm down.

Liz:

Don’t tell me to calm down, you Fundark.

Pete:

Yeah, you’re right, it doesn’t work.

Frank:

I don't know. I think Liz is right about this. Lutz has been totally slacking off since his grandma died.

Liz:

What?! Why didn't you guys tell me?

Frank:

I thought you knew and you were just being a -- you know, that word Lutz called you.

Liz:

Wait. Are you saying that I am like that sometimes?

Girl Writer:

(Flashback) And they thought my sister couldn't even have a baby, so she's really excited.

Toofer:

(Flashback) Oh, he's adorable.

Liz:

(Flashback) Okay, we're at the bottom of page 2.

Liz:

(Flashback) Hey, Look, everybody. Sherlock Homo is here to solve the case of the gay sweater.

Liz:

(Flashback) I'm telling you guys. Watching that isn't gonna get us out of here any faster.

Liz:

Oh, my god. I am. I'm a total...

Greta:

Runt! Runt! I lost my kitten. Has anyone seen my runt? Runt! Runt!

Enter Don Geiss

Executive:

Bringing Tracy Jordan was a smart move, Jack. He's the hit of the party.

Jack:

You got that right, my friend. Tomorrow I’m gonna be in an intense 6 hour foursome with three other men, and one of them will be Don Geiss, and he's gonna get all my attention, and you're just gonna sit back and watch.

Kenneth:

Cooo.. Cooooo.....

Jack:

Excuse me.

Tracy:

You know the Army’s be messing with the sun. That’s why I keep my junk covered. Once that stuff gets in your hang, you’re done.

Jack:

Would you excuse us for a moment, please?

Tracy:

What's going on?

Jack:

It's game time.

Geiss:

Jack, you handsome son of a gun! This guy gets younger every time I see him!

Jack:

No your the one.

Geiss:

Oh, hair like a viking. God bless you.

Jack:

Don, I want you to meet my friend Tracy Jordan.

Geiss:

Tracy Jordan? God, this is exciting. My grandchildren just love your movies. Thank you so much for being here and supporting diabetes research.

Tracy:

Hey, I feel you, messed up sugar runs in my family too.

Geiss:

So, How's your short game?

Jack:

we'll find out tomorrow.

Geiss:

This guy spends so much time in the sand that his nickname should be "Fallujah".

Tracy:

That’s humorous. Hey, How come you don’t hire more black people around here?

Geiss:

Beg your pardon?

Tracy:

How come there’s no black people here? Black people can’t make light bulbs?

Geiss:

No, actually, we have an award winning diversity program.

Tracy:

How come it's just me and Carlton over there?

Jack:

I believe Tracy's referring to Carlton, the straitlaced brother from "Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air", 1990 through 1996, on NBC. Are we having fun or what?

Geiss:

My associate's name is Francis Callier, and he's a lawyer. Excuse me.

Just Getting Started

Tracy:

So, what time does this golf thing kick off tomorrow?

Jack:

It doesn't matter now, Tracy. We're not in Geiss' foursome, thanks to you.

Tracy:

What? I can't help it if he got mad. You know me. I'm gonna say what's on my mind, Jack.

Jack:

No, not in here, you don't. I wanted you to entertain these people, not publicly humiliate them.

Tracy:

I’m supposed to just be a funny black man who says funny things?

Jack:

No, I wanted you to discuss your astounding medical breakthroughs.

Tracy:

Okay, uh, Bartender, could you bring me a mustang melon and bag of Barbeque potato chips? 'cause apparently I’m only here to be a stereotype.

I sure hope Mr. Jack plays his game good today. Otherwise, he whups my ass right well when we get home. Ain't that right Mr. Jack?

Jack:

You know, Ted, Kenneth here is one of our most promising young pages. He knows everything there is to know about the business.

Kenneth:

I studied TV theory at Kentucky Mountain Bible College.

Tracy:

I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?

Jack:

You still here?

Tracy:

I'm ridiculous. I'm black. I may even be ugly. But, thank god, I'm here! I'm here, and nothing but them can keep me from it!

Hitler's Bunker

Toofer:

Oh, oh, I'm so sorry, Liz. I'm so sorry. I thought I turned it off.

Liz:

No, Toofer. Take the call. Come on. This isn’t Hitler’s bunker. That would make me Hitler. What? This is the new me, do you like the new me? And before you answer, Superballs! What a fun boss you have, right?

Not A Movie Star

Tracy:

Would you like me to do a tap dance for you and your big time friends, Mr. Jack? Or I can run around while y'all throw rocks at me.

Jack:

Kenneth, play this hole for me, would you? Come with me. What are you doing?

Tracy:

Payback. The way you treated me. You used me.

Jack:

God, It’s like dating Katie Couric all over again. I didn’t use you. I created a situation that could have been mutually beneficial, and you blew it.

Tracy:

If you can’t handle Tracy Jordan, don’t invite Tracy Jordan. This is what I do. I drop truth bombs. I don't care about Don Geiss. I'm a movie star!

Kenneth:

Oh my.

Jack:

No no, you were a movie star. You haven’t gotten a movie made in over two years, and you know why? Because of your truth bombs. Remind me Tracy, what did you tell the president of Warner Brothers?

Tracy:

I told him he could suck it.

Jack:

And the president of Paramount?

Tracy:

I told her she could kiss my delicious ass.

Jack:

And how’s that working for you? Yeah, I thought so. Hey, why don't you play the game with me? Like it or not, guys like Geiss run everything, including movie studios, and we could be playing golf with him right now instead of Ted, who’s best know for getting caught using a corporate credit card at a gay strip club! I’m sorry Amanda, you were bound to find out eventually.

Liz Alone

Pete:

Where is everybody?

Liz:

Oh, they all had personal problems they had to take care of.

Liz:

(Flashback) Go, go. If I thought i'd left my coffee maker on, I wouldn't be able to focus, either.

Liz:

(Flashback) No, no, I get it. Everyone should see "Mamma Mia!" before it closes.

Liz:

(Flashback) What kind of sinus stuff?

Writer:

(Flashback) I'm just having some weird sinus stuff.

Liz:

(Flashback) Okay, go home.

Liz:

And then I sent Lutz and Frank out to get us some pizzas, and they never came back.

Pete:

So you're finishing up everyone's rewrites by yourself? That's not right.

Liz:

Yes, but at least I know that nobody hates me today.

Pete:

You think Jack Donaghy sits up there and worries if people are saying bad things about him?

Liz:

It's different for women.

Pete:

I don't think it is. Sometimes people hate their bosses. Big deal. But you got to stick up for yourself. Because if you don't, they'll take advantage of you. Oh hey. Could I borrow 60 bucks? I'm going to meet Frank and Lutz at Scores.

Tracy's Speech

Geiss:

So I founded the Don Geiss diabetes research foundation, which is why you're all here tonight. Gwen and I really hope you'll be as generous with your checkbooks as you were on the links today with your score keeping. Thank you.

Jack:

What's he doing?

Tracy:

Excuse me. I know I wasn't asked to say anything, but I would like to share my experience with you. When my daughter Shahita was born, she had chubby arms and legs and a big bald head. I mean she looked like my uncle Rupert in a diaper. By the time she was 5, she was 87 pounds. I mean, she could eat. But then when she was around 8 years old, I remember it was Easter. We stayed up all night the night before, watching bible movies and eating fiddle faddle. But I remember the next day, it was Easter sunday. She Threw up right in the middle of the Jaguar dealership. She was mad sick. And I carried her all the way to St. Luke's-Roosevelt. And the doctor said she had diabetes. I get very upset because I think I was the cause of that due to my ignorance of nutrition. And I promised Sha that night that I was gonna dedicate all my efforts to raise awareness... and finding a cure. And I just hope that all of you will join me. Thank you.

Record Donations

Geiss:

Unbelievable! Record donations. I can't thank you enough. Jack, I'm gonna be on the vineyard next month. I want you and Tracy to come up, and we'll talk more about getting you back in the movie business.

Jack:

I'll set that up sir.

Geiss:

Okay. Tracy, bring your daughter.

Tracy:

That’s a deal.

Geiss:

Thanks again, gents.

Jack:

Congratulations Tracy, and welcome to the grown up world.

Tracy:

Yeah, I don’t have a daughter.

Jack:

Let’s have a casting session on Monday.

About Grace

Kenneth:

Grace.... there is something that I must say to you, but my words cannot suffice, so to quote Mr. Jerry Maguire... “You make me a complete person.”

Grace:

When you said "hello", you had me.

Geiss:

My wife needs her sweater.

Grace:

Ow!

Kenneth:

Yes, sir!

Designing Woman

TV:

You're watching the "Designing Women" marathon on [email protected] "Sir, you may be right. I may not be capable of understanding normal thinking, because I think a woman is just as powerful as a man. And until you learn to respect me, you had better learn to stay out of my way 'cause this is my house.

Liz:

This is my house.

In The Men's Room

Liz:

Staying up all night rewriting "The Amazing Hobo" Oh, you fat nerd.

Jack:

Good morning Lemon.

Liz:

Hey Jack, come on!

Jack:

You stay up all night?

Liz:

How can you tell?

Jack:

This is the men’s room.

Liz:

Ohh!

Liz:

Did you win your golf parade?

Jack:

Even better, next weekend Tracy and I are going to double team Don Geiss with our big ideas.

Liz:

Oh, You’re so weird. Now, get out of here. I have to yell at my staff, because I am not just feminine. I can also project my power.

Projecting Power

Josh:

Hey, It's Nancy Mckeon's birthday today.

Lutz:

Oh, that's cool.

Frank:

Didn't you bake us anything?

Lutz:

Hey, I thought you were gonna bring snickerdoodles in, That's the only reason I showed up.

Frank:

I mean you can't promise snickerdoodles and then not bring any. That's not cool.

Liz:

Listen up everybody. Listen to me. Listen! There will be no more baked goods. No more walking all over me. I was here all night doing your work. but at 3:30 this morning, I happened to see this episode of "Designing Women". And when it came on again at 5:30, I taped it. And I want you all to watch very closely because it sums up so perfectly what I want to say to you. What do I hit? Input?

Pete:

Is there a TV/VCR button?

Liz:

What is AUX?

Frank:

Hey, can I go now?

Liz:

Hang on. I want your full attention. Why is it making that noise? Oh. Okay, never mind. But I want to say something to all of you. I am the boss here. And sometimes that’s going to make me unpopular. But the point is, I know what you called me Lutz.

Lutz:

Oh I’m sorry I said that. Please don’t make me move back to Alaska, Liz. I hate it there.

Liz:

You can stay. But if you ever, if any of you ever call me that horrible word again, I will fire you! And you will never alter drapes in Atlanta again, because you do not cross a Sugarbaker woman! I'm so tired. I'm so tired, you guys.