We know the value of things at Unfair Park. We appreciate a fine wine. A beautiful painting. A rare book. That excellent marijuana you had to drive across town and sit in your dealer's living room for 40 minutes feigning an interest in his girl problems to get.

Yeah, we know what things are truly worth around here, and that's why we're offering you a rare opportunity this weekend to have your precious possessions valuated Antique Roadshow-style. Your coins, art, jewelry, sports memorabilia, musical instruments, that suit of armor that's clanking around in the basement -- bring it all down to Heritage Auctions June 22 through 24 and find out what it's worth. (No Mongolian dinosaurs. Sorry.)

The process we use is time-tested and highly scientific. Schutze will appraise your antique firearms by shooting them vaguely toward city hall. I'll be looking at art, which I'll judge on the basis of how sexist, racist, classist, ethnocentric, homophobic and phallocentric it is. (Fair warning: I will be offended by everything you show me, and it will be priced accordingly.) Brantley strictly appraises drought-starved cows and energy futures. Greg exclusively looks at moldy soccer equipment, and Leslie specializes in Deion Sanders memorabilia.

Wait. I'm sorry. This isn't right. I'm being told that no one in their right mind would allow a group of cash-strapped alt-weekly weirdos anywhere near their costly shit. The Heritage Auctions free appraisal event is only being sponsored by us. Someone from Heritage -- someone who knows what they're talking about -- will do the actual appraising, I'm being told. They'll have experts in 30 categories, including art, wine, vintage movie posters, comics, and what is referred to without elaboration in their promo materials as "space exploration."

So drag Neil Armstrong out of bed and bring him down to have him looked at. We won't touch anything. Promise.