She may never set you down interview style and ask the 4 ‘infamous’ questions before she goes off banging your best friend. But I bet if you were to look back over the last few months of your relationship, she has probably asked them numerous times in numerous different ways. Women are always ‘asking’ questions. The tricky part is that those questions are not always right/wrong or yes/no questions or even sometimes audible. I know many of you men will agree that this can be very frustrating to figure out.

Women who cheat often blame their husbands/boyfriends.. “he is a jerk,” “he doesn’t care about me,” “he was never around,” etc. Often times this is the case, but what about the guy that isn’t a jerk, he does care, and is around every night when he gets home from work. Is that guy still at risk for his partner to be with someone else the very next night?

There is something about this video that is disturbing. Probably because we are all at risk of this happening to us if we are not careful. It’s only five minutes. Watch it, and then read on.

By all accounts, it looks like he is a decent guy – providing, encouraging, present, consistent… He tells her that she is too good for her current employer..”you should be solving world peace,” and “they don’t appreciate you.” He remembers one of her favorite places and has arranged a special weekend getaway for them both. Their conversation seems very normal. That is why it so uncomfortable to watch.

Apparently, if his goal is to make his marriage temptation proof, he failed. The video helped us out by providing the on screen play-by-play, so we could see where he missed the mark. Without those graphics, I wonder how many of guys would notice? Probably none. The questions she has: Do you see me? Am I beautiful? Will you pursue me? Fight for me? These are the subtle “invitations” that he declines…by accident. Guys just don’t seem to naturally understand that we are answering those questions for her every day in big and small ways. If we don’t handle them correctly, we put our relationships at risk.

(In fairness…there is no evidence that she was any better at being attentive to his needs. She probably misses the mark every day, too. It isn’t likely that women can be great partners by chance either. They, too, have an obligation to learn what their spouse’s needs are and be better at it. However, at HolySmokes we can’t fix anyone but ourselves. So, we focused on what the guy in this video could have done differently.)

What does this look like in real life? Here are the 4 questions she ‘asks’ before she cheats:

Question One:Do You See Me?. In the video, she wanted him to skip their respective meetings (blow off responsibilities) and just spend time together. What does this look like in real life? It sounds like this: “Are you going fishing/golfing/{insert fun activity here} again?” Maybe she isn’t really against us doing those things. Rather, somehow she has gotten the idea that those things are more important to us than she is. One guy said whenever our wives think something is more important to us than they are, we might as well be going to a prostitute. That’s how our wives see it whenever we do that thing. Would we be willing to skip our golf game, just to spend time with her? She needs to know the answer is YES.

Question Two:Am I Beautiful? How many of us are as attentive to this part of our wives needs as we were when we were dating? Many guys had to admit that they don’t do a great job telling their wives they are beautiful, even when it is convenient.

Question Three:Will you pursue me? What the heck does this look like? In one of the great moments of the night one guy pointed out this is probably an emotional / intellectual pursuit. Where is she right now…emotionally. Close to you? Far away? If she is far away, go get her! One guy said the clue he recognizes for the need to pursue is…silence. When she goes quiet that means there is a distance between them. Time to pursue! Let her know she is important and worth pursuing.

Question Four: Will you fight for me? The two places we can screw this up without trying too hard – kids and parents. Remember, these are little everyday encounters, not big events. How often to we step in to defend our wives – take their position as our own – against our kids? Doesn’t it sometimes feel good to be the “cool” parent every once in a while? When our kids are fighting with mom, we usually either stay out of it, or try to be the voice of reason (not taking a side). Both subtly tell our wives that we won’t fight for her. Sometimes, we take our kid’s side, and fight against mom. Ouch! But what if our kids are right? Another great point of wisdom from the group tonight was that we need to fight for our wives……even when they are wrong.

In our Holy Smokes meeting, a couple guys had examples of how they had not been good at fighting for their wives against their parents either. In a thousand situations they had adopted the same tactic as dealing with the kids – stayed out of it, tried to be the neutral party, or took the side of the parents.

There was a lot more we could have discussed, but we will have to save those things for another night.

As always, we went ’round the room at the end of the night to see what guys were going to different. Here is what they had to say:

I’m going to tell my wife she is beautiful, and not just in some generic way. I’m going to be specific, and do it regularly.

If I skipped my regular Saturday golf game, and did something with her instead. She would probably freak out. That’s what I am going to do this week.

Our lives have gotten too routine. Every day looks the same. Our dates look the same. Even sex is the same. It wasn’t always like that. I am going to make it my job to create new adventures and new experiences for us both.

Our kids and parents will be gone one day. Hopefully, if we do this right, our wives will still be around. I am going to remember that as I have opportunities to take her side more often – even when she is wrong.

This is a lot of pressure to be perfect. I don’t think two people can do it alone. You really need to have Jesus in your lives, helping you give each other a little grace along the way.

I am going to be on the lookout for silence. When I hear it, I am going to pursue her and find out where I missed the mark.