There's a time for us to let goThere's a time for holding onA time to speak, a time to listenThere's a time for us to grow

There's a time for laying low downThere's a time for getting highA time for peace, a time for fightingA time to live, a time to die

A time to scream, a time for silenceA time for truth against the liesA time for faith, a time for scienceThere's a time for us to shine

There is a time for mixed believing There's a time to understandA time for hurt, a time for healingA time to run to make a stand

Oh, this is the time of our livesOh, this is the time of our livesOh, this is the time of our lives...

This is very very hard. It was somewhat expected because she hasn't been well, but even so it is still a shock.

I went to the home she was living in this morning and I was left alone in her room. With her there under a sheet and I was suddenly literally TERRIFIED of looking at her. It's been nearly 3 years since I saw her... I was kneeling there frozen with fear and indecision.

I eventually touched her arm through the sheet and it was still soft and slightly warm. I phoned my sister and bawled my eyes out and told her I didn't know what to do. She told me I must look - to get closure - so after the call I did. It was not easy. She had got so thin and frail and I barely recognised her.

I don't think anything can prepare someone for seeing their parent dead. It was literally shocking. I stayed there with her with my arm on her leg until the undertaker came and they took her body.

My sister is coming down later as she has power of attorney and she wants to be here, so between her and I we are going to take care of everything.

I went out into the mountains afterwards and did a 10+km walk/run - just in what I was wearing - and now my feet really ache, but I needed to be out on my own and with my own thoughts etc. It helped.

I just want to hear and see my babies now, but they went to their dad last night (till Sunday) and I can not get hold of them. Quinn's phone is off.

It's very hard. It's gonna get harder. Then it gets easier. Time will stand still. You're gonna forget where you put your keys.

Your parents made their decisions, and you can make yours. Be quiet or don't. Change your mind often as you like. It's a crazy, crazy time. So a few smiles will eek themselves out - when you a) lock your keys in the car or b) c) d) etc etc.

You'll come to treasure this difficult time. For inexplicable and possibly explicable reasons. And treasure will find you. Because you are treasure.

Lots of love, big hug.

Golly. Here's the PS: I don't know anyone who understands death, but for many of us the difficulty is not only in the loss, but also in the grappling to have a sense of where they go. Some people have religion to help, some are blessed with a gut certainty and others quite rationally think in terms of an absolute cessation of existence in death. But our memories remain and their impact is always indellible and ever-present - they are an ingredient in a world which is an accumulation of everything that's gone before.