Previously known as "caloriesandcoffee.com."
I am on a quest to change my life by losing 100 pounds and becoming healthy and fit. My plan involves counting calories with My Fitness Pal, keto and working out. I'm not striving for skinny, I'm striving for fit!

Friday, December 30, 2016

I changed my mind and decided to start low carb fresh on January 1st. This still counts as week 0, I just won't lose as much weight as I would have starting yesterday.Also, there won't be any binging but I may eat some carbs... and it's not really up for discussion. I'm just being accountable here for the choices I am making :)

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Okay, so as you can see my weight went up and I'm starting fresh again. This is because my Christmas cheat day turned into 4 cheat days as I went. I don't really have any good excuses for this. Once those carbs hit my system, even though they felt under control, I still went a little carb crazy and now I have to start again but, hey, this is going to be the last time for a long time.

The one major change that I noticed is that even though I had cheat days, I didn't actually binge to the point of feeling really sick so that is some progress and I also learned some important things.

I went 8 days of strict low carb and 14 days without cheating and what I discovered was that I can live without cheat foods and still be happy with my life. Yeah, the first week is hard as it always is and, yeah, I have go through that again but I'm going to think of it as my atonement for my carby sins lol.

I know now that I can go without cheat foods. I know now that I can have cheat foods and not binge like crazy, but it still sets me off to eat more carbs so I know now exactly what I have to do. And I know now that I can succeed. The thing that messed me up was allowing cheat foods back in on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day even if they were a smaller amount.

What it comes down to is that I can't cheat at all. Not right now anyway. Maybe in six months or a year I can allow one special, higher carb meal but I'm not about to risk my weight loss success on some carby foods again.

From here on out I eat what fits my plan which is 50 and under total grams a day and if I want to celebrate my birthday with some special food, it will be a low carb food.

Monday, December 26, 2016

Okay, the holiday's are mostly over (New Year's is still coming but I'm not going off plan for that) and it's time to be back on track!

According to the scale I'm up two pounds but I know a lot of that is sodium from the Chinese food and bloat from the carbs. As long as I'm back under 200 on Thursday I'll be happy!

I did something really great for myself yesterday and I tracked the entire day including all off the off-food that I ate! I have never done that before!

I did end up taking two days "off" as originally planned instead of one but by tracking everything on day 2 (and I really wish I had tracked on day 1) I ate much, much less than I would have without the tracking. That's also how I know these two pounds aren't a real regain!

I'm fully back on track today both with low carb and with calories and I plan to keep going with this, well, pretty much indefinitely at this point. I have no more cheat planned at all and I'm now on Day 17 of no binging, and, actually no cheating because these past two days were planned holiday food days and not real cheats!

This is the first time in many, many years where allowing myself to "cheat" or have off plan foods did not lead to a binge and I'm very proud of myself and happy with this. I think, in part, this was due to not having weekly cheat days because it allowed more time for my body to get used to healthier, low carb food, partially because of tracking everything and partially because maybe I'm finally making some headway with this whole binging thing. I don't know but it's great and I will hopefully keep going this way.

Now, yes, of course a part of me would love to have another day off and would love to have some more desserts but it's just not going to happen because I how great I feel on low carb and I'm not giving that up for a quick shot of some yummy flavor. And I definitely noticed how with only two days of upped carbs my headache is back!

So, anyway, there is no cheating planned for New Year's or for my birthday and I'm fine with that. My mini-weekly rewards are going to be movies rather than food. I have pages and pages of movies on my Amazon wish list so once a week for a movie will be perfect!

Also, I definitely want to start working out this week but today my head and ankle were acting up pretty badly so I'm hoping to start tomorrow. We'll see what happens!

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Today was my first day of going over my regular calories and carbs in 8 days and first day "cheating" in 14 days (but it's Christmas weekend so it's not real cheating) and I feel a little weird.

We have some desserts and we ordered Chinese today instead of tomorrow (I want to be back on track tomorrow if possible). I was able to stomach some dessert and barely 1/4 of my plate of Chinese food before I got uncomfortably full and just... done. Like, I have all this food in front of me and I honestly don't want it and that feels very, very weird to me but in a good way.

Seriously, when do I NOT want Chinese food and when do I leave so much food on my plate?! Did two weeks of no cheating change my appetite and stomach enough to not overeat? I have the option to fully enjoy all this food and I did enjoy it but I just don't want any more of it.

I still have cheesecake in the fridge that hasn't even been open yet that I've been saving for ages now (frozen) but I'm not even sure I want any of it. Maybe a bite if anything. And I'm really looking forward to going back to low carb tomorrow. What is happening to me???

And I can't believe I'm actually saying and meaning all this stuff. Maybe I've actually made some real, true progress with cheating and binging and learning some limits? Maybe this is a real beginning of beating this binging demon once and for all?

Thursday, December 22, 2016

So, this has been a great week for weight loss but even so I'm slightly disappointed that I didn't make it back to onederland this week :/ I am very likely to be there next week, but, of course, that kind of depends on the effects that Christmas Day has on my body.

I am definitely doing well with the low carb now. I think the worst of the detox and cravings are over and I'm getting into a good place plus I feel good mentally about it. I don't feel like I'm doing low carb for a little while or that I'll be switching plans anytime soon or that I'm reconsidering low carb constantly or hating it. I feel good and I feel like I'm truly back on plan and will be staying there and that's a great feeling!

Today is also 13 days with no cheating or binging and exactly 7 days of low carb which is great for me to stick to! I'm definitely going to keep going with this (outside of Christmas). Every now and then I consider adding in small cheats once a week but I know better than that because I know that will set off my binging and bring back the cravings. Maybe, eventually, I can have a "cheat" snack or meal or something once a month but once a week just won't work for me unless it's a low carb "cheat." So, basically, there will be no cheat days outside of some very special occasions like Christmas.

The plan for this coming week is to continue to do what I'm doing now with food and start to add exercise back in. My back is doing better but my right ankle keeps going weak and giving away at random times so I think I need to start wearing ankle braces again and just deal with it.

In any case, it was a great week for weight loss and I know it's going to continue as long as I keep working as hard as I have this past week!

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

I am doing much, much better today (and yesterday wasn't bad either). The depression seems to be letting up a little, the cravings have gone way, way down, I have more energy and I'm less than half a pound away from being under 200 pounds again!! There's a good chance I might be back in onederland this week which will be the first time I'd be under 200 lbs since October!

I realized yesterday that the reason Sunday was so hard for me was because it was day 3. Like, I knew it was day 3 and the title of the post was "day 3" but it somehow didn't connect in my head that it was actually day 3... I hope that makes sense. Anyway, it probably didn't connect because I would have killed for even a small taste of bread at the time, but, like I said, things are better. Day three is always the hardest and worst day for me when restarting low carb so my feelings totally made sense.

Today is day 5 low carb and this is when things start to get easier with cravings and such. Today is also 11 days cheat and binge free! That's pretty major for me. I do plan of relaxing on Christmas and fully enjoying out traditional Chinese food and maybe some dessert but I don't consider that cheating because it IS Christmas and I will NOT binge. I don't care what I have to do down to locking myself in my bedroom and telling the kids I'm not allowed into the kitchen... there will be NO binging and as soon as Christmas Day is over it's right back to low carb! I'm hoping that one day doesn't make me feel like I'm detoxing all over again.

I also have no other cheat days planned after Christmas and I won't be counting Christmas in my count of cheat-free days. I have been thinking about my birthday and maybe getting some really good seafood prepared in a low carb way. That way I still get to enjoy a special meal but it will be low carb and fit into my plan... I mean my lifestyle!

So, basically, I'm doing well and I'm actually looking forward to getting on the scale in the mornings. The next step is to add exercise back in. My back is still twinging so I may give it several more days to relax but I really, really want to start working in the 10,000 steps a day thing because that doesn't hurt my back.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

I'm having a really hard time with low carb right now. I know I'm in the middle of detox again and I know this is best for me and I know I will feel healthy and lose weight and generally feel great in less than a week but it's really, really hard right now.

I'm still really down and depressed and I've only had a couple of non-depressed days since my meds were changed so I'll be calling my shrink again tomorrow but I refuse to make myself feel better with food this time, despite how tempting it is.

I'm tired, my back hurts, my head hurts and my whole body aches. I don't know if I'm getting sick and dealing with carb detox on top of that or if it's just carb detox. I feel miserable and I'm being snappy and annoyed with everyone around me.

I'm craving carbs like crazy, especially really good bread, but I know I can't have any if I want to make this work.

This is probably the worst it's going to be since I'm sticking with low carb from here on out and maybe I can stop detoxing all the time only to give in and start again.

The thing that's really keeping me going right now is knowing that it will get better, in, probably under a week. I just need to make it until then.

Hopefully in a few days I can post about how great I'm starting to feel!

Friday, December 16, 2016

So, I decided that having an outfit to work towards that wasn't all the way at the end of my weight loss goal would be really encouraging to keep me going so I picked this red dress that I found at a rummage sale.

It's a size 12. The bare area at the back where you can see my bra is supposed to be zipped up and my chest doesn't really fit into it at the moment 😳😂 but I was actually shocked I could get it on at all! Anyway, once I can comfortably wear this one I'll pick something else!

I'm including photos (of course) despite how bad I look because I can look forward to knowing I will be able to wear this at some point in time and look great in it!

And today I restarted low carb/keto and I am ready to do this and truly get back on track!

Thursday, December 15, 2016

So despite all my hard work this past week, despite 5 days of being binge/cheat free I'm up 1.4 pounds. Yes, I had to make up for the binging I did at the start of the week but this is just disappointing.

My kids keep telling me to go back to keto because it worked for me and maybe I should. I know that worked the best me for out of any weight loss I have ever tried... ever, and I felt amazing on it. It's just so hard to say goodbye to bread again.

I am really proud of myself for sticking to the no cheating or binging (today is day 6) and I plan to keep going with that.

I'm also keeping track of how I feel after eating a bunch of carbs versus eating a bunch of fat or protein and while fat and protein wins out every time I still need to figure the carb thing out.

In other news, my back still hurts really badly and I don't know when I can work out again outside of some gentle stretching. Plus I haven't even started the whole 10,000 steps a day thing yet and I really need too.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

My back hurts very, very badly after yesterday's DVD. At about between
the shoulder blades and down a little and more to the left. It didn't
hurt right after the workout but does now. Hurts to even take in a deep
breath.

This is exactly why I've avoided the DVDs for all this time and I've learned my lesson.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

So, in between bad headaches/migraines (no thanks to the changing barometric pressure) and feeling like I wanted to switch things up a little I decided to do something different for my workouts for now.

I went back to some of my DVDs and decided to do them again. Since the toning/pilates/yoga-whatever segments are between 10 and 20 minutes each (today's was 15 minutes) I was also able to tack on 20 minutes of cardio before my ankle started acting up.

I'm not sure how long I'll do DVDs for, maybe take it a week or two at a time, and I know it's not as tough or as long a workout as I normally do but I'm pretty happy to be playing with them again.

I'm also not planning any serious, heavier weights and bands with DVDs because I already have a great workout for that. I'm mostly looking at yoga, pilates (I own lots of pilates), some basic, light weight toning, possibly some ballet/barre moves and whatever else sounds good to me at the time.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Sunday, December 11, 2016

So... something really interesting occurred to me that probably should have when I was making the original post about this but didn't... anyway...

...in my last post I averaged the calories and carbs and then divided them by the non-cheating days every week and counted all of those BUT what happens if I include the cheat day amounts?

Now, I can't really do that officially because I did not track what I ate and how much of it on cheat days (because if I don't log it it didn't happen, right?). Anyway, let's say I wanted to add them in to figure out my entire, complete average for the week. Knowing what I know of how much I probably ate, I would have averaged way, way, way more than 30-50 grams of carbs a day and way, way more calories.

So does it make a difference of how much I eat a day versus how much I eat in a week? Does the weekly average overrule the daily numbers or do daily numbers win out? Isn't it great when your brain won't stop circling the same questions over and over again? No, wait, that might just be my brain right now :/

Anyway, I think I need to keep experimenting with carbs and other macros (but I'm pretty satisfied with my calorie amounts) without cheat days being involved. Luckily for me there won't be any more cheating until Christmas (or else I owe Gabriel $20) and ever then, it's not a huge, binging cheat, it's just Christmas which gives me another 14 days to play around, keep track and see what happens. It helps that I weigh myself every day just to see how it's going (I only count it once a week though).

Oh, and I do NOT want to go back to cheating after Christmas. I need to get rid of the whole cheating/binging mentality and I am working on it. I just may need more help than just me which is why I should probably call my therapist sometime soon (that and the depression that is still hanging on).

Moving on, the last two days have been low calorie and low carb but I think tomorrow I may up the carbs just because I really want some sweet potato and some green veggies and berries.

I'm also hoping to be able to start working out again because the migraine is finally settling down but we'll see what happens tomorrow.

And so... the experimentation with food continues but, hey, I find all this stuff really interesting so I'm good with it and hope you guys are too!

Friday, December 9, 2016

So, normally I'm not a big numbers fan. I've never been good at math (and let's not even talk about things like statistics). I'm much more of a humanities, arts, writing type of person but I've been thinking a lot about what it was that made me so successful with low carb from October 2015 when I first tried it through April-ish of 2016 when I fell of the wagon and am still trying to find my way back on it.

So I took some time and went through my blog week by week, looking at every weigh-in day and how much I lost or gained. I then coordinated (maybe not the right word) this with My Fitness Pal for each week and wrote down, week by week, how many cheat days I had, how many calories I took in a day and how many carbs, both regular and net, and I've discovered some interesting things.

I had a cheat day every week that I tracked (I tracked 20 weeks). Some weeks I had more than one day. One of the things I found was that I lost more weight on the weeks where I had one cheat day and when that cheat day was the first day at the start of the week. There were four weeks where I had two cheat days where I still lost weight but it was a small amount.

But even more interesting, I found that almost every week I had one very low calorie day. Not a fast but under 1,000 calories, usually in the 800 range and I lost weight on every one of those weeks. I also double checked back in the blog and I felt really good on those weeks. I've done some reading on intermittent fasting so this is a really fascinating finding to me.

As for carbs, I averaged carbs in the 40's for whole carbs and net carbs of the lower 30's on the weeks that I lost weight and, once again, I felt really great those weeks, especially the weeks where I had healthy veggie carbs. I also saw that I did go up on carbs on the weeks that I had really tough workouts but, once again, they were more veggie carbs and not things like bread, chocolate or desserts.

But it's also interesting that even on days where I had one cheat day I usually lost some weight. Of course the less cheat days there were, the more I lost.

I started all of this today because both yesterday and today when I had something high carb (like a bagel this morning... big mistake) I felt really unwell, lightheaded, sick, dizzy and just out of it... like I was in carb fog kind of thing.

The biggest thing I regret looking over all the info I tracked down was that I didn't track cheat days and I really wish I could look back and see what and how much of it I ate on those days.

So, obviously low carb is what works for me (which of course I already knew and wrote about numerous times). Not necessarily keto but I think it's close because the average net carbs were right around 35 net and I think that counts as keto? Anyway, it's really cool to be able to look back and see all that information right at my fingertips. I could have kept going and looked at more weeks but I just wanted a general idea of things and I got it!

So what does this mean for me? Well, low carb is where I should be if I want to be successful and I now know the calorie and carb amounts that help me lose the most weight and leave me feeling the healthiest but I still need to up my veggies and things like that, especially on workout days.

This doesn't really change a much of the plan except that I want to back off the idea of 100 grams of carbs a day and go back to 50 and under as long as I can fit some good servings of veggies into that. I don't want more bagels, not after how I felt this morning, and they're really not that great for me anyway and I bet they didn't have nearly any of nutrients that I needed.

I'm basically going to keep playing with the plan as I go. When I plan my food days, at least for the next week or two, I'm going to build my days around veggies to make sure they come before something like a small piece of chocolate. I'm also going to make sure that my highest carb meal will come about two hours before a workout and plan for a good chunk of protein after the workout and then I'm going to keep taking it day by day.

Despite seeing that I was losing weight with cheat days I still want to cut way back on them. Maybe not fully cut them out but work them into my plan instead of throwing the entire day away and I'm going to start tracking the cheat days because this stuff is fascinating to look back on!

I don't really feel like I'm majorly changing the plan, I'm just tweaking it a little here and there based on the information I found and figured out. But just imagine how much more info I could have gotten if actually liked numbers and spreadsheets and all that stuff lol.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

So, despite all my hard work this past week I'm up 0.6 lbs. I blame this partially on the two binge days last week and my muscles retaining water from starting to work out again.

I had planned to work out today but I'm dealing with a nasty headache so I'm not sure that will happen.

My goals for this coming week are pretty much what I outlined in yesterday's post. I'm going to keep working out and tracking calories and macros but my carb amounts will be going up. I've stocked up on a lot of veggies and some fruit and have several meals planned out so it should work out okay.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Okay, so I make plans but I always leave a space to evaluate and edit the plan as I go and it's time to edit.

I've had a good week with sticking to low carb and a great week with exercise BUT I am wiped out exhausted and drained and I don't think I'm getting enough complex carbs for the workouts I'm doing.

In the past my trainer has suggested complex carbs about two hours before working out and then protein after working out and when I tried it in the past it's worked really well for me until I stop following the plan and start binging.

On top of that, while I've done great with carbs this week, I haven't done well with health or nutrients. The majority of my calories and macros have come from protein shakes and protein bars. There has been no fruit and very little veggies and I just feel unhealthy.

I know the goal here is to lose weight but I don't want to end up losing a ton of hair again and I don't want to do it in an unhealthy way. I want to find my way to health and weight loss, not just dropping pounds by eating a lot of processed stuff.

And considering how I felt by the end of the awesome yoga workout yesterday, I definitely need more something... more calories, more carbs, more protein... I don't know, but I was so exhausted it was hard to keep my arms up over my head for even the stretches.

So here's where the editing comes in: on the days that I workout seriously using weights I'm going to allow my carbs to get up to about 100 grams a day (or so) but they have to be healthy carbs with a lot of lean protein and veggies involved.

I'm going to do what my trainer suggested with the before and after exercise macro breakdown and I'm going to keep my calories at about the same as before.

I want to keep prepping my food but I also want to make healthier choices. I do NOT want to keep relying on the shakes and bars. I want real food. Actual good, healthy food.

On the days that I don't work out my carbs will probably be lower but we'll see as I go.

Like I've said numerous times, simple junk carbs make me want to binge but if I can stick with following the correct number of calories and carbs on low carb I should be able to make myself do it on a higher carb plan. And even if I crave junk and want to binge, this does NOT mean I HAVE TO binge. I need to deal with this and find a way to learn to be healthy no matter how many carbs I'm eating.

So, I won't be doing keto anymore and I'm not even sure if what I'll be doing is considered low carb... maybe moderate carb, but that's what I want to try with my food.

As for my exercise I've very happy with what I've been doing except for cardio (which I haven't been doing at all) so I think I'm going to start doing 10,000 steps a day again for that. I don't want to work on building up to the 10,000 steps because that just doesn't seem to work for me. I do much better when I jump into things feet first.

So the plan is to replace unhealthy food with healthy, up the carbs around the workouts, keep tracking everything and blogging as I go to see what works for me.

And instead of low carb days I'm going to start counting day without binging... maybe if I get a good row of them going it'll help me stick with it better.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Every time I do this DVD I remember how much I love it and I definitely needed it after the last three workouts! Tomorrow is Push/Pull Day B which is my longest workout at 1 1/2 hours but I think I'm ready for it!

So, I'm on week two of low carb/keto (if you don't count the two "off" days that I had) and this week is going much easier than last week even with the cheating.

I prepared actual food ahead of time, enough for six meals (I froze 4 of them), and I've been planning out my meals early in the day which has made a huge difference. I usually have my entire day of food planned out by about 9:00 am and, in fact, this week I've stayed at around 30 net carbs a day instead of the upper 40's which is pretty cool and I actually feel really good.

This week I don't feel deprived and I'm not even having any major carb cravings. Yes, I would still like a treat on Thursday but I don't want it to turn into a 2-day all carb extravaganza so I'm figuring that out as I go.

The scale is moving down very slowly. If I hadn't had those two cheat days I would probably be back under 200 lbs by now but I did have them and they messed up my weight loss but, it is what it is. I'm back to working hard on this and I'm not going to keep beating myself up. I'm just going to move forward and learn from my bad choices and mistakes.

I definitely feel better physically (outside the occasional headache) and I am thrilled to be working out again! Today is going to be day 4 working out and I'm glad it's relaxing yoga because my body is tired and sore but it's so worth it!

I'm also hoping that the workouts will help with the depression and while they've helped a little so far, it hasn't been as much as I wanted, so we still need to deal with that.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Leg Day was hard. Really, really hard but I did it anyway. Not only did my body, especially my butt and abs, kill from yesterday but my knee started acting up towards the end even with the knee brace so I had to drop my sets from 4 to 3 on the last set of exercises but I still got a great workout.

And I can honestly say I'm so happy that tomorrow is a gentle yoga day lol!

Saturday, December 3, 2016

I worked out for the first time in over a month and it felt great, especially as the day started off in major pain in most of my joints.

I had tossed around the idea of starting with workout DVDs but then I figured I'd rather start with the trainer created workouts that I love and that work so I went back to Phase 2 and began with that. It'll take me a while to get to where I was with it but I loved working out and I fully intend to keep going. And there's a good chance it will help with the depression which would be really nice!Push/Pull Day A - Back, Biceps, Triceps, Shoulders & Chest - 53 Minutes

My "treat" day turned into a second "cheat" day. I guess the treat was a bad idea and I can't handle them. I thought I could when I posted earlier but, no, I can't.Today is kind of a healthy fasting day to make up for it and then I guess I don't have treats anymore unless they're low carb treats. I'm thinking of going treat/cheat free until Christmas day. I feel awful to have to admit to this but I don't want to lie on this journey.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

One week of low carb is done! Well, six days actually but a whole week on plan (if you count Thanksgiving and I am). I actually feel pretty good. The cravings aren't too bad and the headache has really mellowed out.

I was hoping for a bigger loss on the scale but I need to keep in mind that, thanks to Thanksgiving, I may have weighed more last weekend than my last Thursday posted amount and, frankly, 1.5 pounds in a week isn't bad at all!

Today I had some higher carb treats... not a giant cheat day or a binge but just two little things and I'm not sure I'll do that again. They tasted really good but, not, like, great or anything and I don't know if I'll miss them enough to have them again but it's always good to try things out. Tomorrow I am right back on track with low carb and today counts as the start of a new week despite the one day of higher carbs (but NO binging which is huge for me!).

This week I have one major meal planned which will be my homemade taco salad (it makes 4 servings) and then I'll work in veggies and berries along with other low carb foods throughout the week. I haven't been really hungry, probably because of the whole depression thing, so I'm having a hard time finding foods I actually want to eat and that are low carb but I am really proud of surviving the week!

Psychologically we're still looking for a new med dosage that will help me and there's really no change there. The depression is still hanging on pretty badly and I don't really have much more to say about it right now.

I do want to start working out this week and I think I'll begin by using a DVD. I have one that's divided into 3 15-minute segments which is a combo of light weights, pilates, yoga and some ballet moves that I used to love to do so I think I'll start with that one tomorrow. I know I'm used to hour long workouts but something is better than nothing and I can always work my way back into my non-DVD workouts as I go. A short workout is better than no workout and I'm really hoping it'll help with the depression as well.

So, all in all, I had a pretty good week and I stayed on plan for the first time in a long time! Go me!

Monday, November 28, 2016

Okay, so I made it to day 3 with no issues... until today. Today is when the low carb headache kicked in which has happened to me several times when restarting low carb in the last three months. I've read that salt, broth and pickles could help so I'm trying the salt (I need to buy broth).

Normally Day 3 is when the worst of my carb cravings hit but I'm actually not craving them right now so that's progress. I normally start to feel pretty good by day 5 or 6 so I've got that to look forward too.

Other than the headache I'm doing pretty well. The scale is slowly moving down, I'm making sure to have some fruit or veggies every day and I'm doing great with my calories, protein and fat.

My goal is to stay under 50 grams of net carbs and the last three days have been 36 carbs, 38 carbs and 40 carbs (also 50 and under for total carbs as well) so I'm doing well there. I am having a hard time eating in general because I'm just not hungry for very much. Like, I try to figure out what I want to eat and nothing really comes to mind so I just pick the healthiest, lowest carb thing I can find. I do want to work on new foods and recipes but right now I'm just making myself eat enough to hit all my nutrition goals.

My psych meds change hasn't done much to help me yet so all that is still a work in progress and I know I need to start working out again. I WANT to start working out again. I just need to make it happen.

Friday, November 25, 2016

So, true to my word, yesterday I enjoyed a lot of food and didn't worry about calories or macros or any of that stuff. We're not going to talk about how awful and overly full I felt at the end of the day but rather about the things I thought about and decided on.

I spent a lot of time reading through my blog posts over the last year, especially the ones that focused on low carb. I also did the same for looking over my Instagram. I took in how I ate and how I did not eat, how I felt, how I looked and what my thoughts and attitude were like and I realized that I am not actually miserable on low carb. In fact, there were months where I loved it; how it made me feel, how I looked and how well I was controlling my cravings and my binges.

I've said over and over again that I don't binge when I'm low carb and that's true. It's like low carbing turns off the binging switch in my head but I actually have to get to that point. It doesn't happen right away. The first week, especially, is very, very hard for cravings and for binging and for feeling miserable because my body is getting used to something new and doesn't want to let go of all the delicious simple carbs and sugar that I've been feeding it. Of course I feel miserable and hate my life while I'm detoxing.. who wouldn't?

But it's after the detox, the "keto flu", the first week or so is over that I start to feel, well, pretty amazing. The cravings go away for the most part. My skin clears up, I feel energetic, my stomach doesn't hurt, the bloating is gone, the headaches and joint pain greatly lessen, the pain days get few and far between, I sleep better at night, nap less and get more things accomplished and the weight really comes off. And I don't binge and, most important, I don't want to binge!

Yes, it is hard work and no, sometimes it's not fun. Sometimes you really want a piece of bread or a dessert or whatever but those things are just not worth it to me and the less I have them, the less I want them.That is what I need to keep my focus on. Not how much I really want to stuff my face with carbs but how great I feel when they're not in my system!

So I am going back to low carb/keto and I am staying there. I know I've said it before, many times, but this time I'm actually sticking with it. I do want to find a way to incorporate more fruit and veggies into my plan, especially veggies, but I have tons of information at my fingertips so that won't be hard to do.

And, as always, I want to get rid of cheat days because all I'm doing is cheating myself and restarting detox over and over and over again every week... no wonder I'm miserable on that kind of plan!

I plan on posting and tracking how I feel and how I'm doing both here on my blog and on Instagram a lot more often than I have been to stay on top of this so keep checking in and if anyone wants to join me in this or just in getting healthy in general feel free to write back! Support is incredibly important when trying to lose weight and get healthy and I am very, very lucky to have that support in "real life" and online!

And to those of you who have gone on this roller coaster of a ride with me so far, thank you for sticking it out! I know I change my mind a lot and go back and forth but knowing you guys are here helps tremendously and I feel really great about my decision right now.

Will I whine about it for a while? Yeah, I probably will but that's why I blog! So, let's get this journey back on track and make some progress already!!

Thursday, November 24, 2016

This was a weird food week. Some days were low carb days, some days were moderate carb days and some days were binge days. On top of that my weight varied by 4-5 pounds in either direction depending on the day so I'm not really sure I lost any real weight because I think a lot of it was gaining and losing water weight.

When I originally weighed in a week ago I was at 203.4 and then I spent the week going up and down all the way up to 207.8 but if you look at the exact week seven days apart, I only really lost 0.2 of a pound but since I'm counting from the day I weighted 207.8 then it appears as I though I lost weight.

In any case, like I said yesterday, I am not obsessing over calories and macros today. I'm just going to enjoy the holiday and the food and decide on everything later but my next short-term is goal is definitely to get under 200 pounds again!

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

I met with my psychiatrist and my most serious mood stabilizer (and the most notorious weight gainer I'm on that made me gain 50 lbs in under 2 months when I first started it) is being lowered to help with the depression. We're going down by 100 mg and will see what happens and go from there. Also, after talking to him I realized that my doctor may have possibly been right when he thought I was hypo manic back in late August/early September and I guess I'll listen to him next time.

In any case, it'll take a little while for the new dose to kick in so I'm keeping on top of this thing. I didn't even realize how many things I had slowly stopped doing over a 6 or so week period that I loved until I really started thinking about it... writing, drawing because I enjoyed it and not because I had a commission, working on creative projects, working out, watching my diet, losing weight, going for walks, I started binging again, I stopped enjoying my life and it's time to take that back!

And speaking of diet and food I'm still undecided between low carb/keto and moderate carb and, frankly, I'm done thinking about it until Friday because tomorrow is just a free day. Some days I feel like I really want to do low carb and I feel great on it, I lose weight, my skin is clearer and all sorts of things but other days I feel like I hate my life eating low carb and I can't stand to see another low carb food so I just don't know. I'll figure things out as I go and eventually I'll find my way but for tomorrow I just get the day off.

We're also now a two car family again which will greatly simplify my life because some days I felt like I spent half my day driving people back and forth between Charles' work, my work, to school, to appointments, to parents appointments, groceries, and then work and school again in the afternoons... it was crazy and it broke up my days into annoying segments. Charles will use this car to get to work and back and wherever else he needs to go which gives me a serious break. Plus our newer car has to be repaired next week (wooohoo for a warranty) so we won't need to use a rental.

I think that about covers it for now but tomorrow I'll do my regular Thursday weigh-in and probably post again on Friday.

Today is finally my official, new restart of getting back to health, fitness and weight loss. I had originally planned to do low carb/keto but I'm going to start with moderate carb and see if I can lose weight with that (under 120 grams total a day). I think one of the reasons I keep cheating is because of how unhappy I am with low carb/keto so I'll start this way and evaluate as I go. I also eat healthier when I'm allowed more carbs (more fruit, veggies, healthy grains, etc vs. protein shakes and protein bars) and health needs to become more important to me than weight loss (I'm sure I'll feel that way eventually).

I know I was supposed to restart on Thursday, and then Friday and then Saturday but it didn't happen for a variety of reasons but it is happening today.

But, as you can see, my official restarting weight is 207.8 which is 4.4 pounds heavier than my Thursday weigh-in.

I think there are a couple of reasons for this: part of it is definitely water weight gain, part is how badly and how much I ate on Thursday and Friday and part is I think I had a big water weight "whoosh" loss from Wednesday to Thursday which is why it showed that smaller number (that happens to me about once a week). In any case, this is where I'm restarting from whether it's water weight or not so I am going to go forward from here and not obsess over it too much.

I'm going to continue with my regular Thursday weigh-ins from here on out and the plan is moderate carb, calorie counting and exercise.

I still have to see my psychiatrist Tuesday morning (I'm still really, really down) and I'm sure they'll be changing my meds around but even if I'm having med issues and can't get in a workout I can definitely eat healthy and count calories.

I'm going to take this thing in little steps and goals, some days will be okay and some I'll have to struggle through every hour but I did this before and I know I can do it again. I just need to stick with it no matter what and I know I can do it.

There can't be any more excuses or reasoning my way into crap food or just giving up. I have to do this; for my health, my mental state, the way I look, the way I feel when I see myself... for everything. I HAVE TO do this.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

I knew the scale would go up and it did but at least it's not back up to 206. My only goal this week is to stick to strict low carb which I am restarting tomorrow. I am going to take it one day, one hour, and one meal at a time.

I think the best thing I can do right now is focus on one goal and break that up into little, manageable steps.

I know low carb is absolutely best for me so that's what I'm going with. If I can get through the first 5 days I will be okay. Day 3 will be the hardest and by day 5 it'll get easier and then within 3 weeks I'll be keto-adjusted and I will feel amazing but all that is being broken down into hour by hour segments.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

... it crept in while I wasn't paying attention, wrapping its tendrils around me so lightly that I didn't even notice at first.But then it started tightening its grip and things began to fall to the side... exercise, writing, spending time out with Charles, drawing, walks, tracking my food, laughing, planning, dreaming, believing I could achieve my goals... slowly, ever so slowly it all fell away until I was left exhausted and sad, angry and easily irritated, sleeping all the time and having to force any activity I had to do.

And then yesterday it hit me, I've crashed and I've crashed badly and it happened to softly, so carefully that I didn't even realize until just then.

Depression wormed its way in, insidiously, gently, almost like a friend... only it's not a friend and it's costing me all my plans and goals.

Normally I catch it before it gets to this point. Hell, I've played this game long enough to know when the pieces move across the board. I know how it starts and I know how to deal with it. I just wish I'd caught it before it got to this point.

The current med cocktail I'm on has worked for many years with a few tweaks here and there and I supposed it's time to tweak it again. I will be calling my psychiatrist today to set up an appointment. At first I wanted to start working out and hope that the exercise endorphins fix this, but, like I said, I've been here before, in this place of dark shadows and heavy weight across my chest and I know I need to deal with it now before it gets worse.

Mental illness is so hard but then when everything comes together and just works, you almost, almost forget about it until it crashes into your world again like a huge wave hitting the sand. That's one of the reasons I've barely mentioned it in months. Things were working so well. Things were coming together and I felt amazing. Crashing after is just... it feels like I've lost everything I've worked so hard for. It's taking away my joy, my desire, my plans, my goals, my hopes, my dreams... it's taking away my kindness and understanding, my patience and my... well, it's taking away everything that is me.

I'm losing me and I can't let that happen.

These lyrics from Sarah Mclachlan's "Full of Grace" have always spoken to me in these times and now they do again:

"...I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go..."

Sunday, November 13, 2016

We had a great weekend at Sarah's. We wandered around some malls, did some shopping and just hung out. It was simple, easy and relaxing.

I ended up low carbing all weekend and I'm fully back on track with that. I'm not sure what changed my mind from moderate carbs to low but on Friday I just decided to low carb again (low carb/keto) and I felt really good about it. I didn't have any major cravings and I ate healthy. I didn't even have much of Gabriel's birthday dessert just because I didn't feel like it.

I know I still have some general detoxing to do but I just feel happy about it. I actually want to low carb. I don't feel deprived at this time and I don't feel like I will hate it. It just feels right.

My goal for my weight right now now is to get under 200 lbs by Thursday's weigh-in day and then to keep going from there in five pound increments like before. Eventually I'll start taking my measurements again but I have a ways to go before they start moving down.

So, now that we're home from this trip, it's time to get everything else back on track. Tomorrow I'm going to start working out again, beginning with Push Day A and some cardio. I'm also going to stick with the low carb/keto and plan my food carefully.

I also have other things to get organized with like the drawing commissions, writing, and life in general. I've really been slacking off in the last couple of weeks and it's time to get everything going again.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

I'm down 6.4 pounds!!! Holy crap! I know a lot of that must have been water weight but I'm so close to being back in the 100's that I can almost taste it! I should be able to make next week for sure!

Now here is the interesting thing. Most of that weight came off at the beginning of the week with the low carb days and only a sliver came off once the carbs went up. That definitely gives me something to think about....

EDITED TO ADD... I actually looked at the dates of the scale pics (yup, I photograph the scale numbers throughout the week) and the biggest drop in weight overnight was the day after I upped my carbs so it wasn't only on low carb days!

And, in the interest of honesty, I did have gelato yesterday afternoon to drown my sorrows over the election since I don't drink and, honestly, I enjoyed every single last bite of it. What I didn't enjoy was the totally miserable, sick, dizzy, lightheaded, heavy bodied and like throwing up feeling I felt afterward. I'm not even sure the taste was worth that feeling. Yet something else for me to think about.

And speaking of carbs, I think I may drop them some more this week. Not just because of how the weight loss went but because I miss how I felt when I was on a great low carb streak... tons of energy, almost no headaches, way less fibro and joint pain, glowing, clear skin and happy in general. I mean, I feel okay on higher carbs but I felt better on lower (once I get past the detox).

Now here's another interesting thing and this gives me some insight on how my brain works; knowing that I'm considering going lower carb because I want to lose weight and feel a certain way and not because I feel like I HAVE to do low carb, makes me want to do it again. Does that make any sense? Knowing it's my choice and not something I'm forcing myself to do and hating makes all thew difference. It's like reverse psychology or something.

Anyway, right now I'm going day by day. Some days I'll have lower carbs and some day they'll be higher. I'm going to keep weighing in daily and correlating it with what and how much I'm eating and I'll see what happens. Who knows, I may end up back in keto just because I love how I feel on it (eventually).

Anyway, everything I said the other day still stands. I still want a lifestyle and not a diet. I still want to be able to eat in moderation and find a sustainable way of living my life. I'm just sort of meandering my way along the main road toward that lifestyle taking my time to check out the small paths that break off and lead me in various directions just to see what I find.

But, in general, this has been a great weight loss week and I'm looking forward to many more!

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Today is day six of strictly counting calories. I've been eating a "normal" amount of healthy carbs... "normal" being under 100 - 120 net grams instead of under 50 for three days and I actually feel really good and am still seeing the scale move down so this just might work for me.

As I've said before, my goal is not just to lose weight, but to get healthy and to stop binging. Maybe if nothing is off limits but is instead allowed in moderate amounts when it fits my calories the binging may stop. I haven't had any desire to binge since I started last Thursday and even the cravings on day three were just junk cravings, not "eat everything in sight" cravings.

Maybe, just maybe, if I know I can have... let's say, an ice cream cone, and I know I can work it into my calorie count, maybe I won't feel like I have to eat the entire box of cones because they're "bad" and only allowed on one day a week (or month or whatever). Maybe if I treat food like just food and not like a reward or a treasure or something that is bad, maybe then I can stop binging and obsessing.

I don't know how well this will work and I'm still keeping the junk (including ice cream cones) as a very small part of my food plan (I don't want to use the word "diet" because I'm not dieting... I'm changing the way I eat and look at food) so I'm not sure how I will handle it when I do have it. I don't know if it will make me want to binge and my first test will be this weekend. Luckily, this weekend I'm at my best friend's house and I don't binge outside the home so even if I feel like binging it won't happen. It's like I battle-proofed my first "junk" try lol. My plan is still 90% healthy food for now outside of part of a dessert for Gabriel's birthday on Saturday and then Chinese on Christmas Day, but right now I feel really good about this.

The best part if that I'm not miserable. I'm not hating my "diet," I'm not obsessing over food I'm "not allowed to have" and I'm not craving it because I CAN have it if I can make it work. Just knowing that seems to make things easier.

This completely changes how I see my plan and my food and my eating habits but I think it's changing it for the better. I want to create a lifestyle here, not a diet that I will cheat on because I hate it. Of course I will keep evaluating as I go but as of right now I'm not doing low carb. More like moderate carb with the biggest focus being on calories and health.

Yes, I may end up losing weight slower at this rate but this isn't a race. This is my life and this feels very right to me at the moment.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Sunday, November 6, 2016

I am at the end of day 4 of no binging. I did fairly low carb up until today but my head was hurting horribly (verging between a bad, bad headache and an actual migraine) so today, after days of Advil and Tylenol, I allowed myself to have some healthy carbs (still under 100 net) and it actually got better so I don't know of it's a weather thing or a low carb thing or a giving up binging thing but in any case, it's better. It's still there but I can actually function right now.

I'm still finding my way to how I want to eat and lose weight. Low carb works really well for me but I don't think I want to do that for the rest of my life so I'm incorporating good, healthy carbs (veggies, fruit, some whole grains) and taking it one day at a time. I'm still cutting out junk and crap and I'm sticking with no cheating, counting calories and macros, weighing and measuring... basically everything that has worked for me before only with a bigger carb amount. It'll be interesting to see what happens and I'll evaluate the plan as I go.

Yesterday was a really tough day for me with junk cravings but I made it through without giving in. Day 3 of restarting always seems to be the absolute worst for me but tomorrow is day 5 and it always gets easier around that point.

My next big thing is to start working out again as long as the headache stays away. or maybe do some yoga if it's lingering but not too bad. I do feel like I'm making progress instead if giving in and that feels really good!

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Well, there's not much to say about the scale today since I did a long blog post on it yesterday but there are no surprises here. It's exactly what I expected and I am fully ready to commit to this lifestyle (NOT a diet, a real lifestyle!) as of right now.

I did grocery shopping this morning and stocked up on all sorts of healthy, low carb food and I have meals and recipes picked out for this week already.

I'm slowly starting to feel better from this cold so I'm hoping to be working out again in a couple of days and in the meantime I want to go back to counting steps. Today is supposed to be 5,000 steps and I think I can handle that.

I'm also hoping to see a big drop of weight by my next weigh-in day due to water weight loss when restarting low carb but we'll see what happens.

I know I have a long road ahead of me (a chunk of which I have already walked) but I know I can do this. No more excuses. I can do this and I will. Just watch me.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

I have gained back a very large amount of weight, way, way larger than I originally thought and I found out by replacing the batteries in my scale.

Yeah... 206.8 is way, way, way more than 197.2. I guess I should have been able to tell from the way my clothes were fitting and how I looked but maybe a part of me just wanted to pretend a little while longer or something... I don't know.

So now I know (yes, I weighed some other things out to make sure the weight was correct this time). So what is my plan?

Well, I can huddle in a corner and cry but that isn't going to accomplish very much.

I could drown my sorrows in carbs and ice cream but that will just make things worse.

I could sit here and whine and complain but how is that going to help me?

No, what I'm going to do us to restart low carb with NO cheat days or snacks or treats or anything. I've obviously had enough of those to last me a long, long time.

I'm going to track, weigh, measure and preplan everything with no breaks and no excuses until Christmas Day when we have Chinese food. I'm not even sure that I'm eating anything special for Gabriel's birthday.

It's true that the weeks are going to become a little monotonous here with food but I need to get this thing under control now. I am 17 pounds heavier than at my most recent lowers weight in June and I didn't just pass back over 200 lbs. I skyrocket my way past it and need to bring it back down again. It's really not an option. I HAVE to do this for my health.

I'm going to keep breaking this thing up into small weight goals again. Weight goal one is to get to 205 lbs, then to anywhere under 200 lbs to hit onederland again and then keep going in five pound increments. Like I said, my lowest weight so far has been 189. 8 and that was at the end of June so I have 17 pounds to lose to get there.

It really sucks to have to re-lose all this weight but I have no one to blame but myself. There were only so many junk and crap foods I could eat before the weight started piling back on and I should have gotten it back under control months ago but I did what I did and it is what it is.

Now is the time to take a deep breath, square my shoulders back and start again. There is no other acceptable option.

Monday, October 31, 2016

I went a little (okay, a lot) crazy with junk this weekend and now the scale has skyrocketed up so high I'm terrified of even getting on it again this week.

I guess I'm starting all over again but this time ALL cheat foods are being banned including any kind of cheat snack or treat or anything. I obviously can't handle them at all since one treat turns into 4 days of binging.

Yes, I knew all this before but today I feel like I'm actually ready to face it and just end all the treats altogether.

Friday, October 28, 2016

I think I'm finally past the detox part of low carbing and I'm starting to remember why I loved it so much. I'm also not craving carbs or junk and I haven't even touched the tons of Halloween candy that's in the house!

I'm also thrilled to be working out again! I'm going with the plan I created several week ago except a couple exercises have been added and/or moved to different days.

I think my current plan will be Push Day A, Pull Day A and Leg Day A, then relaxing yoga and then Push/Pull/Leg Days B plus cardio but I may change my mind about where I put the yoga. I'll have to see how it goes.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Two pounds down! It's less than I hoped for because I heard so much about losing a lot of weight the first week of low carb due to water weight loss that I was really hoping for it, but two pounds is two pounds and I'll take it!

I've also got a week of low carb under my belt and I'm finally starting to feel better physically as the detox from simple carbs and sugars comes to an end. Yesterday wasn't too bad and today is even better. Oh, and as you can see I've restarted my weekly and monthly low carb count in my titles just because I wanted too lol.

I worked very, very hard this week to stay on track with low carb. I counted, tracked, weighed and measured everything that went into my mouth. I planned ahead to make sure I was making the best choices and there were some days where I had to leave off or replace some foods because they just didn't fit the macros. There were nights I went to bed hungry and there were a couple of instances on massive, insane carb cravings but those are definitely improving and I plan to work just as hard on low carb this week. I have food stocked and two recipes picked out that should work really well.

I didn't get any working out done (outside of the walking challenge which I'm totally on track for) because of how cruddy I felt physically but I plan to start my weight training workouts again tomorrow and am shooting for 4 days of great exercise this week.

My short-term goal at this time is to hit 189.8 lbs which has been my lowest weight so far this year (back at the end of June) and also my lowest weight since March of 2007! Once I get to that goal I'll start keeping my short-term weight loss goals to 5 pound loss increments.

So, I have a strict week planned and I'm actually looking forward to it. Let's make this happen!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Okay, so... I've stuck to strict low carb/keto for 5 days now (counting today). I think this is the longest I've stayed on plan for months now and it definitely hasn't been easy.

On Sunday I actually had such a massive craving for Dunkin Donuts apple pie (if you've never had it it is sooooooo good) that I actually drove to the Dunkin Donuts and forced myself to just get something low carb instead at the last minute in the drive through. I felt pretty proud of myself for not getting the pie but, wow, did I want it. I could almost taste the damn thing!

The cravings have actually settled down a little bit right now. Yesterday I had to stop by the grocery store and despite them having lots of great, yummy (ie... bad for me) stuff, including things they haven't stocked for months, I did NOT buy any which is huge for me!

I am still dealing with carb/sugar withdrawal symptoms which is one of the reasons I haven't worked out this week outside of the step challenge (I'm totally on track with that). I figure I'll give myself a few more days to get past the exhausted, lightheaded, slow brain feeling and then kick my workouts back into gear. But I still feel way better than I do when I eat lots of carbs.

The scale is moving down but it's moving pretty slowly. I was honestly expecting a bigger loss but I do still have 2 more days to go and if I can lose a total of 2 pounds I'll be satisfied.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Well, the scale did go up like I knew it would thanks to our anniversary weekend but at least I'm still under 200 pounds and I've been back on track for a couple of days now so I fully expect it to go back down next week.

I haven't been feeling great so the workouts have been on hold for now but I'm hoping (and planning) to get back to them this weekend along with getting back to work on the cat portrait I'm working on.

My plan for this week is simple, track and count everything, workout and no cheat days. Let's see if I can do it!

Monday, October 17, 2016

We had an awesome anniversary and trip! There's a lot of photos and updates on Facebook so I'm not going to put them all here. Basically it was great and we're thinking of going back next year and doing stuff we couldn't do this year.

We started out early on Friday morning and headed to Connecticut where our first major stop (after driving around lost for about 40 minutes) was the mall which was my plan. And I was thrilled to find a workout bra in my size at the Victoria's Secret there! That pretty much made my whole day lol. After the mall and lunch we got to the hotel and basically relaxed. AMC (man, I really miss cable sometimes) had their FrightFest on 24/7 so it all horror movies all the time (and you guys know me and horror movies!).

Saturday morning was spent wandering around Essex, CT; the town (which was the cutest little town ever), the Connecticut River Museum, all the little shops and water areas and then the train and riverboat later that day. After the train/riverboat we went to a great restaurant (note for future reference... make reservations!) and we headed home on Sunday after more photos at the train station.

It was so great to actually spend time together, just the two of us, and to check out new places and do stuff as a couple and I'm almost sure we're going back next year!

We really want to check out Gillette Castle (which we saw from the riverboat) and according to the website it closes on Labor Day so we'd need to plan an earlier visit and there's a couple more train trips we'd like to do. We did the basic train/riverboat trip this time but we want to do the dinner train and the full day train (not all on the same weekend of course) but the all-day train doesn't start until after Gillette Castle closes for the season so we'd have to choose one or the other. We can hike around Gillette Castle at any time but we want to actually visit the inside of it which has to be earlier in the year.

I did not stick to low carb though and just generally enjoyed some great food (and some mediocre food) without binging and with following decent portions but the scale definitely went up by several pounds. Tomorrow I restart strict low carb and get back to working out (still at home) and there's nothing coming up for the next 4 weeks that will set me off track so I should be back to close to my last lowest weight by then.

In four weeks we're going to Sarah's for the weekend for Gabriel's birthday for a weekend like we do every year but I can easily eat low carb at her house so I really have no major events going on that will cause me to mess up my plan. And once I have those weeks under my belt it will be way easier to actually stay on plan for when major events take place.

I feel like I'm totally ready to do this again and I'm looking forward to actually watching the scale go down and my body get stronger and firmer.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Well, as you can see, I barely lost anything but I don't consider this week to be a failure for several reasons...

1) I got my exercise on track, worked out three days in a row, then took a rest day and have Push Day B planned for today. Working out again is huge for me and I consider this to be great progress.

2) While not every day was perfect with counting and tracking, several days were and that's progress as well. I'm also still learning, the hard way, how horrible simple carbs and sugars make me feel.

Yesterday,
in my ultimate wisdom (aahahahahahaha NOT) I ate a bunch if simple
carbs and I can not even describe how absolutely sick I felt: hot all
over, dizzy, lightheaded, stomach ache, feeling like throwing up and
passing out... every time I do this I feel worse.

I keep saying I
want to be able to eat anything in moderation but my body is refusing
to cooperate. Maybe I need to look at it with the idea that I am
allergic to simple carbs and just suck it up and do what needs to be
done. This sucks but it is what it is.

So, basically, I think that's what it comes down to. Simple carbs and sugars make me feel horribly sick even if I only have them occasionally so they need to go away for good. I'm still working on that but I am definitely having more good days than bad!

Now I need to worry abut this coming up weekend (our big anniversary weekend trip) but it's not hard to do low carb when eating out. I won't be able to weigh or measure my food and most of the restaurants in the area are local so no calorie counts but as long as I keep it low carb I should be okay.

And, finally, I decided to get rid of the week and month counts when I track my weight. I have this thing in my brain that when my week doesn't go perfectly with food (and when is anything ever perfect) that I feel this need to start the week count over again and I'm sick of dealing with those thoughts. And since it's not like I'll stop being healthy (once I get there) a count isn't really necessary.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

I survived my first leg day at home in a long time and I didn't even dread it! This is three days working out in a row...woohoo! I also wanted to do some cardio but didn't have the energy for much so I spent 30 minutes walking somewhat quickly around the house; hey, it's better than nothing!

Tomorrow I'm going for Push Day B, then Pull Day B and then we leave for our anniversary weekend trip so the major workouts will pick up again next Monday, but I do plan on stretching and lots of walking over the weekend!

Sunday, October 9, 2016

I have to tell you guys, I loved working out at home so much that I think I think I'm pretty much going to stick with that now but I'm really glad I tried the gym. It helped me find what I really love and gave me a lot of ideas of exercises I can add into my home routine!

My current plan is Push Day A, Pull Day A and Leg Day A, then relaxing yoga and then Push/Pull/Leg Days B plus cardio.

And I can't wait to start doing our outdoor walks again while the weather holds!

Saturday, October 8, 2016

I feel like utter crap but I wanted to do something for a workout so I went with a stretch and the plank. Tomorrow I'm planning for Push/Pull Day A or another workout from that website I've mentioned several times, still planning!

So I decided to go back to working out at home for now for several reasons, the biggest being that I really miss it and that I've barely worked out since joining the gym, when I was working out at home almost daily before that.

The way my schedule is right now along with headaches and stomach issues, it's just easier for me to plan a workout at home along with going back to taking long outdoor nature walks.

This is nothing against the gym. That place is awesome and I'm not quiet giving up my membership, I'm just changing things up a bit and I may end up going back and forth for a while depending on the day.

I am really looking forward to having a horror movie playing while i work out, being able to get photos taken for Instagram and for having a bathroom right there in case of IBS emergencies :/

I'm going to start with the Phase 2 workout I was doing, update it with the free weight amounts and exercises I used at the gym and go from there and I'm starting this afternoon! Woohoo!!

So after much though, much, much reading and even more thought I decided that it's time to suck it up and go back to low carb and healthy eating with homemade food when possible and that I wanted to start my count over again.

The scale went up this time because of my cheat days so the next decision was to eliminate those because I can not handle them at all.

I'm going to back to how I was doing things when I first started low carb a year ago. I'm rereading my menu and food plans, my old blogs, how I ate and what I ate and repeating it. Plus Charles is going to help me try out some low carb recipes and more healthy foods so I'm not stuck eating the same stuff over and over again.

The major thing I'm doing differently is adding in more veggies and focusing on healthier, more natural foods instead of processed crap.

It's time to get to work and stop experimenting because that just seems to lead to more and more cheat days until they turn into cheat weeks and that's just not working for me.

So what makes this time different from all the other times I talked about this? I don't know. I just know it is.

Monday, October 3, 2016

I'm finally done being sick so I was able to go back to the gym and I loved it! I've really missed it.

I decided that this week (and maybe next) I'm going to do a full body weight machine workout every other day with cardio on the off days. It makes for a very long day during the weight machine days but it's a great way to get myself back into the groove of things.

I might change my mind for next week and plan out a different workout (well, actually go back to what I was doing before, the push day/pull day/leg day combo) but I'll decide that as I go.

I also plan on doing the plank again tomorrow. By the time I got to it today I was completely wiped out.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

So I had to miss the 5K Color Gauntlet this past Saturday because I was still sick which really sucked. Hopefully I'll be able to do it next year.

I am finally starting to feel better but my back feels a little "off" so I'm being really careful with it.

On the plus side, the workout website I wrote about a few weeks ago, Fitness Food Diva, is, once again, letting me into the workouts without charging me. I'm not really sure what's going on with the charging. I really loved the workouts the last time I looked at them and I would have kept going with them if it hadn't started to try and charge me so I guess that I'm going to get all the ideas and plans from it while I can (and while it's free) and go from there.

I think I'm going to pick one of the simpler workouts from there and use that one for a while but I'm also considering doing some full-body weight machine workouts for a couple of weeks until my body is back on track. I want to see what my trainer thinks before I jump into anything.

I'm also still playing with carbs. I may end up dropping them again. Tomorrow will actually be the one year anniversary of when I started low carb but things sort of fell apart in May and haven't been the same since them for weight loss of for how I was feeling. I may end up going back to the MFP info from a year ago and repeating what I was doing then because I'm still not feeling my best as I am when I'm being very strict with low carb.

Basically, right now is a time for experimentation and finding exactly what works for me and I'm okay with that.