Monday, 23 August 2010

I can love when I am in need,
I can love when it is given,
But, I really do struggle,
To give when not asked...
Maybe one day,
I will be able to rekindle,
My connection with Life,
And to give people a handle,
To connect straight to me,
And not through the barbed wire,
That covers my heart...

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Why is it that choosing a career, or even, choosing in which direction to take your life such a bloody scary prospect?

Why is it that the freedom to choose, when we accept it, leaves us dumbfounded at the possibilities, so much so that we can find ourselves retreating back into our 'comfortable' shell of an existence that we have been dying to escape from for so long!

The 'Jonah Complex' comes to mind, or should I say came to mind, when I was actually looking for a similar type of quote by Winston Churchill in one of my books, 'The Elephant and the Twig' by Geoff Thompson... anyhow, to quote Abraham Maslow from said book,

"We are generally afraid to become that which we can glimpse in our most perfect moments, under the most perfect conditions, under conditions of great courage. We enjoy and even thrill to the godlike possibilities we see in ourselves in such peak moments. And yet we simultaneously shiver with weakness, awe and fear before these very same possibilities"

I found some old school reports out today, dating back to junior and senior school... there was one distinct line than ran ALL the way through 9 years of teacher reportage on moi... Which was, needs to be more mature in approach, needs to concentrate more, has lots of potential, All A's next year Craig! etc... etc...

The shame is I never did get all A's, not that that is a problem in itself, but I looked back on my academic life... and got really f***ing depressed, and probably the reason it hit quite hard was that I can still feel that indolent gene ticking within me... I went for a walk to calm me down a little...

To compound this temporary depression (I know, get the violins out! Indulgent swine!), I decided to kick my own butt some more as the truth came galloping over the horizon of my mind and back up the trail of my non-achievements that have been left strewn over the years. From The (Uncompleted) Duke of Edinburgh Award when I was a kid, to an ONC & HNC in Polymer Science after I left school, to a(nother similarly uncompleted) Degree in Business Information Systems about 8 years ago... though again, these things are not a problem, I have been through some shit, both through and since those times, so we can say that it was all grist-to-the-mill in the growth process.

BUT, My problem is that I WANT my future NOW! (Like that? :) ) Seriously, I WANT a FUTURE, I DESERVE one! But who says? And that is the point isn't it... I've gotta choose my direction, choose my future, be mature, work hard and make it happen! But at the moment, the prognosis doesn't look good, I change my mind like the wind, and motivation usually disappears when things start to culminate (possibly sub-conscious sabotaging, but non-the-less that doesn't help). Don't get me wrong, I have my Yoga, which is great, and I am training to become a Yoga Teacher, but this alone, at least at the moment, is not enough! I am frustrated that my potential is not being realised, but I know that it is me who has to realise it!

Sunday, 4 April 2010

What have I done today?
Worried about the fact that I am unhappy,
Rather than just be... Unhappy,
Worried about the Future,
Rather than enjoy today or...
Wondered if I will ever get 'THERE',
Rather than just live from moment-to-moment.

A friend said to me last weekend that she had spent the last year, or so, not doing much, living on redundancy money and generally bumming around, worrying about getting her business more advertised and marketed, and then said, "You know I could have just taken the money I have spent and gone travelling¹, not tortured myself about my predicament and still been in a similar place²"

Obviously, everything is easy in hindsight, but what is it that stops us from being all that we can be?

I could apply the same question to my day, today, I could have just 'lived in the moment'... but then, surely that was what I was doing ay? Just that I worried about the future in that moment, about the past and about the fact that I was unhappy in those moments... Hmmm... Doesn't sound like living in the moment to me though...

BUT, as I am writing this, I FEEL ALIVE and I would defy anybody to say that I AM NOT living in the moment... So I will add this post, as is (maybe to be edited later - but that will still be living in the moment surely, even though thinking about that moment didn't feel like it! ;) ) and watch a film... have another tea!

(((Night all)))

¹details to be checked with said friend, and then edited if required
²really gotta check that bit, I feel like I've just ad-libbed an entire sentence

Saturday, 27 February 2010

Over the last few months I have been picking up on bits on and in the news regarding such topics as; The unreliability of global warming statistics and therefore the unreliability of future predictions as to how Our Planet will be effected by Global Warming; The effect of carbon dioxide on ocean life; Over-fishing in The Atlantic Ocean, Items such as this, combined with a general increase in my interest on these matters or even an absorption of them into my conciousness, coupled with my increased awareness of scepticism that exists towards Global Warming, or even just 'Global Health', has prompted me to broach the subject on 'The Health of Our Planet'.

My initial reaction on the current state of affairs is one of mild horror, specifically regarding 'Global Warming Theory' to coin a phrase if it or one similar doesn't exist already, that 'They', the detractors, stand so resolutely and stubbornly in the way of a process of change that may 'save' our planet. I wish to look into exactly what the detractors are saying? And so...

Is what 'they' (the detractors) are saying based on any scientific evidence or indeed, based on the lack of convincing scientific evidence for the case of Global Warming?

And if it is the latter, is it merely opportunistic haranguing, by parties that have a vested interest, of bodies that were up to now deemed as unbiased-purveyors-of-the-truth?

Do the parties against the case of Global Warming have a legitimate argument?

Seems a good a place as any to open a discussion on 'The Health of Our Planet'... Once again, all comments welcome :)

Friday, 26 February 2010

I saw a piece on the BBC News today regarding Cuba. I have for a while now been captivated by the Idea of Cuba, from the fact that Ernest Hemmingway loved the country, to seeing (not first hand I may say, but one day maybe) the Organic farming methods used within Cuban communities to enable them to grow their own food, and of course to the relationship he/she has with The United States. It is this Cuba/US relationship that my initial interest, at least for the purpose of this post, is based upon.

In the said BBC report, it mentioned the 'dysfunctional relationship' that exists between the two countries. I wish to look deeper into this relationship.

I wonder why the US are still trying to impose so many sanctions on Cuba?

What are these sanctions?

Is it the Cuban Communist regime that is in place, which the Cubans do not, it seems, deem to be an area for negotiation (and why should it be?), the fundamental problem that the United States has with Cuba?

And is there something that is inherent to the Cuban regime that upsets the Americans from engaging with Cuba? Ie. That prevents the Americans, and forgive my terminology, from 'Globalizing' Cuba? I don't know... But I would like to find out!

Added to this, I was also shown on the same weekend a Web Design Package by a friend, and I was inspired!

As you may know from my previous post, I have been unhappy with my lot in the world-of-work for some time, so this is good news for me! :) I have an aptitude for IT, had been recently toying with HTML on the internet, have access to courses in Self Employment, Web Design and Marketing (from a contact that I was given last year), my adviser at my local Job Centre (been unemployed for a few weeks now) seems to be a good guy... And all this has happened rather quickly, for sure, it's been brewing for longer, but it seems The Universe is conspiring to help me! I LOOOOOVVVVEE IT!

I suppose you could say my trade is Administration, and I've been doing Administration on and off for the last 15 years, I'm now 34.

I have a problem... The problem is that, I want to work, that if for sure! BUT, call me what you like, but, I REFUSE to do a boring, unfulfilling job, and that is what Administration has become to me, pretty much in all it's forms and variations I find it tedious. I'm talking about work that for me, is about as nourishing as a 'Big Mac', a sort of 'Joe Versus The Volcano'esque position, where you watch the clock waiting for the day to end, and thus, wish your life away... (Have you seen Joe Versus The Volcano by the way? If not, you should, it's a hidden jem ;o) )

I was talking to a friend about work the other day... and through conversation, we realised that the last time I enjoyed work was 21 years ago... The job? It was my paper-round! But not just any paper-round, for a while I was THE Paperboy, I had an evening paper-round, I collected paper-money on Sunday's, but I also had two rounds in the morning. For a happy period it was the morning rounds that I enjoyed most, one standard size round and another, small but big on distance... It was actually quite magical, the two rounds combined, amalgamated into one large but not too large a round, and of course I got paid DOUBLE!!! This for me at the time was a massive coup! I'd be up at around 6.30 am, in the shop for 6.45am... Both rounds done and back home for 7.30am ready to watch Ulysses 31 (A cartoon on TV at the time).

The very fact that I can remember all this, for me shows my affection for the brief period in my life where I enjoyed work.

The problem, or should I say challenge, is that I'm 34 and have reached a point in my life where after a lot of soul searching, self-reflection, pain and boredom, I have come to a point where I have to find a job/line of work/career that will give me the same sense of fulfilment and accomplishment as when I was 13! I have reached a point-of-no-return, as now when I return to my old line of work, I actually start to feel quite ill! It is just so blaringly obvious that I'm not an Administrator any more, I'm not sure I ever was? But I'm certainly not one now!