i am detective warren taylor roosevelt, a street smart detective with a doctorate in advanced american histories, and an uncanny ability in finding murder clues in deaths that occurred by seemingly natural causes.

i had been dispatched to 88 mapleton avenue in THE CITY to answer and investigate a 419 (dead human body).

what i found there and the events that followed would change my life forever.

i am beez mcbeezon, wacky eccentric homeless man who helps the poilce solve murders. They even let me stay the night in a room with a toilet! yesterday they had no idea how to solve this murder, but i took a whiz on the corpse. They're letting me stay the night again!

I'm Prince Needleberry, an autistic stage magician that has been drafted to help Detective Roosevelt with strange cases. I always keep my lucky match with me, and get antsy whenever anyone gets close to me. Everything's forgiven as soon as I use my amazing powers of deduction to cut through plot holes like butter.

I am a former dancer and nurse who speaks from beyond the grave. Cancer caused me several miscarriages... after my death. My identity may have been stolen. Or, I may yet speak to you from the hereafter. A clue are my panties which have circled the globe.

when i arrived on the scene, i saw my partner, prince needleberry, screaming loudly and delivering street justice to a local homeless man covered in his own urine, who had made the mistake of getting to close to the corpse and the prince.

i chuckled to myself. just another day on the job.

i was torn momentarily with getting my taser out of my police issued interceptor and joining in on the fun or getting down to work. in the end i decided it was best to help prince focus up on the task at hand, so i got the taser and called for a black and white unit to take the homeless fool to the joint.

They call me Vinny bag-o-donuts. I own and operate 8th Street Coffee & Donut Eatery. It's like a second home for the 5th precinct. I pass along any tips I get from patrons, vagrants near the dumpsters or drifters passing through town.

I am Marshall von Trufflestein, a CSU technician who specializes in hair sample analysis & DNA retrieved from leftover fecal matter. Transferred from the Baltimore CSU team after setting a fire inside a popular Irish bar. I've also got a tendency to use specially made brownies as an on the job snack, and always show up to work buzzed or drunk.

I am Zooey Deschanel. I would normally be starring in my own show, New Girl, but due to a hastily signed contract I must be a recurring guest star on this cheap procedural cop show filmed on the same single block in NYC from 12 different angles.

I'm Griffin Pace, hot shot young forensics computer programmer. Most recently I developed a computer program which could identify a suspect by infrared scanning photographs of a victim's pupil and reverse feeding them through an Ethernet port uplink to the mainframe where a picture of the suspect's DNA is formed.
I hate authority and don't care for the man's idea of fashion. Despite this I'm incredibly easy to work with and have an unusually pleasant demeanor for a man who wears so much eyeliner. I'm incapable of speaking more than one line of dialogue unless it is to spew meaningless technobabble. Despite being the skinniest member of the cast, I am constantly seen eating enormous amounts of food, and bringing me a tub of phish food ice cream will somehow grease the wheels on whatever project it happens to be that you needed done yesterday.

I'm Chief Detective Inspector Captain Investigator Doug Batman. I'm 97 years old and no longer have fingers, but I make due by having a paid intern perform rude gestures for me. I don't speak a word of English, but I can click my tongue in Morse code. I have a shotgun attached to one leg and a chainsaw attached to the other one. Usually when I see a dead body, I scream angrily and poop my pants. My partner is Timmy the Friendly Leprechaun Man who likes to bite people's index fingers. The police chief has an annoying habit of taking off and putting on his sunglasses while making a pun, so the other day I picked up a clarinet and whacked him endlessly until Timmy pulled me away where I fell on a homeless man causing his head to snap off and fall on the body we were examining.