The Creepiest Review Of "Tomb Raider" You Will Ever Read

What's up, how you been? Long time no hear from. I came across your Facebook page the other day and saw that you were doing well. I really thought I lost you in 1999 when everyone said you died in a plane crash at the end of Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation but I let out a sigh of relief when I found out that you actually survived. I thought about reaching out since then, but the restraining order someone at Square Enix filed kept me from doing it the way I wanted. That should be expired by now and this letter shouldn’t be violating any terms in the U.S.

The last time we hung out was back in 2008 when you were doing the whole Underworld thing. That was cool but it wasn't like when our eyes first met in 1996. You wore that tight tank top and cargo shorts that made you look like you were ready for the club. The Larry Hester Wifey club. I so wanted to ask you out but you kept saying that you were busy with work. Running through caves and shooting stuff didn’t seem like work to me, so I thought you were just blowing me off. It wasn’t until you started getting really popular that I understood what you were really doing. I felt bad for doubting your career and stepped back to give you the space you needed.

Then the fans came out, and every guy that saw you thought they had a chance. I was not going to let that happen without a fight. Sure they were able to help you through nine other title releases and helped you sell over 35 million copies altogether, but so what? You were mine to begin with and no video game nerd is going to take that away from me.

It’s now 2013 and I see you’re telling the story of how you became the magnificent woman you are now in the latest Tomb Raider reboot. You were young, beautiful and a little less hardened than you are now but that’s fine. I still would’ve asked you out for tea anyway. As I watched you tell your story, I couldn’t help but think of what your friends on the boat would’ve thought of our crazed love for each other. Sam would’ve been jealous for sure but even as hot as she is, there’s no way she would’ve been able to pull me away from you girl.

One thing I noticed during your latest tale is how gorgeous the surrounds were. Everything around the island looked amazing. The jungle looks alive with wildlife and all of the dangerous cliffs and mountain areas seem like they popped out of a postcard. There is a part in the story where you had to find shelter after the ship wrecked and you had to fight your way out of a cannibal’s cave. All I could think about was snuggling up with you by the campfire you built and nursing your wounds. I saw everything you went through up to that point and I must say, watching you wiggle through tight spaces and getting soaked in flooded dark caverns set my loins ablaze like the torch you held all the way through. I felt like I was right there with you helping to solve the puzzles. You weren’t alone Lara, I was there with you.

This is exactly why I’m so happy that you haven’t extended that old restraining order. You’ve finally decided to let me in and I’m so excited to be more involved with your life. I can now help you level up your skills in things like hunting, combat and other character attributes to help you survive in your quests. Remember when I helped you find that bow and arrow and I held you tight to show you how to fire them off? Tell me that didn’t get your heart racing as it did mine. You’re a natural at those types of things. As you spend more time on the island, you’ll learn a lot more and your confidence will increase to the point you'll be a one woman army.

Helping you around the territory is a pleasure that no one has ever felt in your other releases. This time around, the controls feel like they’re a part of you. Nothing feels robotic or unnatural. The added touches of jumping and grasping onto cliff edges make me feel the same tension as if it were me in the same position. I literally jumped in my skin a few times at some of the death defying leaps you made over cliffs to safety. At times, it was hard to tell whether it was a cut scene or actual game play. It was something that made me want to keep going even though I had no idea what was going to happen next.

I haven’t finished your latest story yet but from what I’ve seen so far, I know that my love will grow stronger with each passing hour I spend with you. Each time I hear your voice in your signature light, British accent, reassuring yourself that you can perform a task (like killing and gutting a deer), I feel that much more connected. Lara Croft, you have amazed and satisfied me again. I’m here for you and as long as the law doesn’t interfere again, you will be mine forever.

P.S. I don't like that old gray-haired guy you keep hanging out with. I may have to have a talk with him.