I don't want to hurt again!! Not now, not after all this time but I do!!

We were having a discussion about how amazing things have been with us and I mentioned something about no more hurts or anything between us.. Then he said "ok.. I need to tell you something I didn't think was a big deal at the time but..." Shit. It turns out he had been going to her social networking profiles almost daily from beginning of what i thought was NC to almost a year after broken NC

he said it was because he wanted to know she was ok and that he had still lurved her and missed her during that time. So he wasn't fully NC (mentally NC) mid-late 09 he doesn't remember dates though. He says better late than never in confessing and he felt like he didn't want to hold anything back anymore but I don't feel like giving him any freaking kudos! It was an admission that should have come out years ago!! He knows all about not TT'ing! We went through this back during Dday2 when he broke NC by email!!

Now it's not so much that he kept breaking mental NC that's hurting me because it was long ago! (though I could still be in shock of it all) but right now what hurts is that he waited so many years to tell me! Why now?! We had been awesome, we now have 3 beautiful kids, I was finally happy and now... I don't know... dammit! Why now?!!!

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: from Texas but living in New Mexico

Tex08♀ 40924Member # 40924

Posted: 12:18 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013

OMG - I have never posted my story because I did not think I could put it in writing to where it would even make sense to anyone else... My story is SO VERY SIMILAR to yours except I was finally "allowed" to know the truth 10 years later! It was so long ago that it makes it difficult to figure out the appropriate reaction. The years of secrecy are hurtful - which is quite ironic considering her kept the secret to keep from hurting me. I always knew he was up to no good during that time but I could never catch him and he always assured me that he was faithful. Those gut feelings we get are real! My gut feelings of his infidelity went away around the time the infidelity ceased. When the truth was exposed so many many years later (sept 2013), it was like d-day for me. It is a hard pill to swallow no matter if u catch your spouse in the act or if u find out a decade later - it hurts just the same. I feel for your pain, hiswifey03....

WH - 36
Me - 35
Married 14 years

Posts: 12 | Registered: Oct 2013

HiSwIfEy03♀ 22536Member # 22536

Posted: 12:32 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013

I am sorry you have to feel pain like this too Tex

I wish he had just told me everything when it happened not after we slowly picked up the pieces of our life and felt almost full happiness. He is telling me he should have told me long ago but felt at the time he would have sent me over the edge and divorced him and since it was a "small" detail it would be better not to say anything. He is at least acting remorseful but I feel like I don't know anything right now

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: from Texas but living in New Mexico

HardenMyHeart♂ 15902Member # 15902

Posted: 10:30 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013

(((HiSwIfEy03))) So sorry for what you are going through.

We are almost 6 years out and I have a different take on this. Sometimes I feel I never received the whole story. I would welcome more news, even bad news, if it helped put some of these nagging doubts to rest.

Make sure you let him know how important the truth is to you. I know it will be tough, but don't give him too hard a time about finally coming clean on this new disclosure. If there is any more to disclose, you want him to feel safe to come to you.

I do understand what you are saying. Why is it so hard for a WS to just come clean in the first place? TT feels like slow and painful torture.

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 33 years, Together 40 years - Reconciled

Posts: 6354 | Registered: Aug 2007

GraceisGood♀ 17686Member # 17686

Posted: 10:30 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013

but felt at the time he would have sent me over the edge and divorced him and since it was a "small" detail it would be better not to say anything.

He does NOT get to choose that. This is something he needs to work on, seriously work on for you to be safe with him.

You have had two more children with this person based on one reality and now you find that those HUGE life choices were based on a lie. BTDT. Not good.

I am living with consequences of choices I made during our M when he was lying to me and I thought I was making informed decisions and then find out I was not and now I have to live with them forever.

no lie is ever SMALL. He manipulated you, plain and simple to keep you in the M, you had your choice taken away. he needs to see the utter seriousness of this imo.

Grace

We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3638 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west

HardenMyHeart♂ 15902Member # 15902

Posted: 10:36 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013

and now I have to live with them forever.

Each day we make a choice to stay or leave. You can choose to leave the marriage today if you wish. It's important to remember you always have choices; otherwise you begin to feel trapped.

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 33 years, Together 40 years - Reconciled

Posts: 6354 | Registered: Aug 2007

GraceisGood♀ 17686Member # 17686

Posted: 10:48 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013

Each day we make a choice to stay or leave. You can choose to leave the marriage today if you wish. It's important to remember you always have choices; otherwise you begin to feel trapped.

This is not what I was referring to. There are some choices that we cannot take back or change and leaving the M will not "fix" them. Perhaps I choose to have sex with my H believing he was monogamous so I would be safe from STD, now I may have one that I deal with forever or possibly one that will end my life. That choice was based on a lie, had I known the truth I could have chosen differently, but not NOW. The choices you speak of are irrelevant to what I was speaking of.

Yes we can all leave our M at any time, true, but that does not mean we are not "trapped" in other areas, some of us are, due to lies and choices we could not make fully informed by the one person who was supposed to be there for us to support us as we support them through this life.

grace

We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3638 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west

TrustGone♀ 36654Member # 36654

Posted: 11:09 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013

I know it is hard not to look at what he did and lied by ommission for 5 years about, but he did feel safe enough to tell you now. That says alot for how far you have both come in the relationship in those 5yrs. I am not saying that it should not hurt you that he did lie for so long, of course it does. It would have hurt 2, 3, or 4 yrs ago that he was not mentally NC. Let him own this and see if you can move forward. You are free to call it quits if you must and those will be his consequences. (((HUGS)))

BS-55 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 9206 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas

Tred♂ 34086Member # 34086

Posted: 11:15 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013

but he did feel safe enough to tell you now

Just to play Devil's advocate, did he feel safe that their relationship was better or that he could get away with it now that so much more work was invested in the relationship? If it's the latter, that's pretty shitty. If it's the former, it speaks will for how far they have come.

Bad but it should not surprise you that he visited her social media page. During that time there's lots of withdrawal and they need a fix REAL bad. I mean, if he told you he visited the site 2 weeks ago, it would not surprise me. Hurt, yes! They are curious.

Seriously? There is a clear expectation that I'm not visiting AP's social media pages. Ever. Looking at his FB may not be *as bad* as emailing him, but I would expect my BH to be surprised if I were looking for/at AP in any way, shape or form. That is a big boundary violation, IMO.

Five years out from dday...and she should feel good that he felt safe enough to tell her?

She should be thankful that he lied to her for an entire year..no scratch that..he has lied for the last FIVE years..but finally came forward NOW with this information?

While OP was in agony and trying her best to R with this man..he lied to her..he made her think he wasn't in lurrrve with the OW..that he was making her and the marriage a priority..and FIVE years later she finds out it was a lie.

Had he "gotten it" years ago...like OP thought he had...then he never would have allowed this lie to continue for FIVE years. That he hid this from her for so long, for selfish reasons..he didn't want her to have all the information about his behavior,otherwise she might have left him..so he kept quiet to protect himself...that he has been lying to her every day for the last 5 years...this is not a small slip.

That he was able to lie to you for the last 5 years,OP, tells me he learned very little after your last dday. Any work he did on himself wasn't enough.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011

HiSwIfEy03♀ 22536Member # 22536

Posted: 4:34 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013

We had a very long talk last night and most of today. And he said he wants to give me a timeline and answer all old and new questions as he wants to be fully honest stating he doesn't want to lie anymore. At first I yelled and asked why now and why not when we had DDay but after talking, crying and sharing I started to feel a little different. He could have told me years back which I definitely would have preferred but that didn't happen. He should have been honest and man enough to tell me the truth, but he could and should have been faithful but i could have and most certainly should have been faithful too. We both made destructive, life altering decisions, we could have and should have done better. We can't changed that.. Oh how I wish we could. I am going to Try and focus on what we can do now. He can make a timeline and be honest now.

This doesn't mean I'm no longer hurt over the fact that he chose to keep that from me, of course not! I'm human, I feel and need to process it. But I'm not going to let it set back All of the work we have made. It certainly makes me question a lot of it and why shouldn't it?! But I feel in my heart that not all of this had been lies and all for nothing. He hasn't slept with anyone else since then, he is mindful of interactions with the opposite sex and is forthcoming about whether or not he's looked at porn (as far as I know). We have definitely made progress. But he is going to revisit the whys and how's and do more soul searching as he feels he would be further along had he been honest. I do feel in a way that it confirmed a suspicion I had back then, would it had changed my decision to stay? I don't think so because it doesn't change it now.

I still hate the fact that he was still holding onto her mentally for so long and that there are possibly other things he lied about or hid from me but that will soon hopefully all be out.

I know my feelings will probably be up and down as I process this and anymore info that comes out. Ok that's enough rambling for now..

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: from Texas but living in New Mexico

HiSwIfEy03♀ 22536Member # 22536

Posted: 12:45 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013

2married, I don't know how I missed your post. No it doesn't really surprise me. I understand he had withdrawals during that time. Still hurts like hell though as I did have dry cut expectations of him to go NC but had a feeling he was getting some sort of fix coz his moods would be all over the place during that time. It definitely would surprise me if he visited any of her social network profile any time recent though. Do you think he would still be curious about her even now?