There is no quicker way to break my heart than to have my baby sister call me up and hear her in tears.

When my father was dying my greatest fear was that she would have to call me and tell me he past.
I didn’t want that to be her burden
I would try to prepare her saying thing like, “don’t worry about me, you do what you have to do to get through it”
I wanted her mom to be the one to call me, her ex boyfriend, hell a total stranger would have worked

I just didn’t want it to be her.

The last 6 months of his life, I would jump every time I heard her ring tone.
There was no hellos as I rushed into what happened, whats wrong

After he past, I had to re-learn how to talk to her. I had to re-learn that her calling didn’t = something bad happened.
She just wanted to say Hey!

So tonight when she called me, in tears.
Tonight while she cried and told me she just needed to talk to me
My heart broke for her.
I can’t protect her or prepare her from all the things I want to keep her safe from.
I can’t wipe away her hurt

So I sit and listen to her cry, and let her know that even in her pain she is safe

Today is really Effy Wild inspired.
Beside the whole, blog each day of Sept thing she has me hooked on
Today’s post is based off of her purse dump
Which is basically where you say all the things in any sort of order, just as a way to free form it out of your head.
I just LOVE that idea, but I think I’m going to go with mind purge instead of purse dump.
I’m not 100% sold on the name, but I’m going to work with it for now.

*incoming purge*

My self esteem is totally and 100% shot. Like really. It’s mine and just thinking about how bad it is make me cringe. I have such a long way to go.

I noticed something about myself yesterday on the way home from work. I am deeply ashamed of it and I’m not really to talk about it or have all the feels about it, but it is something I am fully actively watching and listening to now. I will break myself of this habit. I will move past this.

It’s because of what I noticed yesterday that I am thinking it might be a good idea to talk to a professional about it. Therapy might not be such a bad thing.

Ive decided no more dogs (unless I can get a Frenchie!!) after I put Foxy down. Being a dog mommy is hard work. Asking myself each day. “is today the day I put her to sleep” a little to much to carry. Sick dogs are no fun. Sick dogs make your heart hurt. But as long as she is still playing, and still wagging her tail when I pick up her ball, I’ll let my heart hurt. She’s still plays like she is a pup, and not a nearly 13 year old dog with advance breast cancer.

I need to step up my game in all the ways. I got shit to do and I’m way behind the game.

I think we can all pretty much agree the world is stuck in a phases of ick.

We have a lot of negative stuff coming at us each day. I’m not going to list a bunch of them here, you just have to turn on your TV or read a newspaper to see and know what is going on.

It’s a phase of ick.

I say phase, because I do believe that we will make it past this, it just might take some time. So till this phase passes (It makes me think of when you decide to let your bangs grow out, and you go through that really pain in the ass awkward phases where you end up with bang wings and nothing holds those bistards down! UGH!) I have been putting in extra time showing and sharing kindness. I see a lot of people asking for ideas, and what can they do, and just looking for something to hold on too.

Anyways, these are some of the things I do on a daily.

Smile at people you cross in the street
Hold the door open for someone
If someone holds the door open for you, say thank you with a smile
Print out extra Michael’s coupons when you go and give them away – people LOVE this because we all know how expensive it is in there!
Offer to help someone – a mom with a stroller, an old lady walking down stairs, someone with to many bags, just offer.
Throw an extra apple in your lunch and share it with someone. I pack extra “lunch bags” and give them to the homeless. Just an extra apple or lunch bar. I’m not rich but I share where I can
When you say hello, and ask how someone is doing, LISTEN to them. Nothing feels better than to be seen and heard by others
I try to give 3 or 4 real, honest, complements a day. Sometimes a “your hair looks amazing today” goes a long way.
Remind someone that they are loved. I send my baby sister text messages a few times a month reminding her how fricken amazing she is

Of course, there is a thousand things you can do. These are just some of mine
I’d love to know what you do!

So, I have this thing that I have been thinking about for a few days now.
I know I know all about it. I know I know what I have to do to fix it
I know I have been over this 100 times already
But here I am once again!

The other day Facebook – I have such a love hate relationship with FB it’s not even funny.
Anyways…Facebook gave me a little post saying look at all the comments/likes you got on these posts of your Amanda, woot, good, job! Go you!

(okay they didn’t really say those words, but it’s close enough)

There was 4 of 5 posts of my showing something I’m working on, some idea I came up with, or my first attempts at my jewellery…
All the popular posts were in some way or another connected to my jewelry creations.
That kinda says a lot right?
People like what I do. Hell the little I have shown has gotten me comments like

-where can I buy that
-omg How much
-When are you going to open a store
-Hey, I have a glass case! Fill it and I’ll sell your goods to my customer – I have no words for how much I LOVE my hairdresser!
-Girl! I want to buy your stuff!
-Christmas is coming, you would be helping me out
-WTF are you waiting for

And it goes on from there..

And yet the idea of creating something that is sell-able. Is fricken SCARY as holy poop to me!
I hid from my metal station for months. Till I couldn’t take the pain of being away from it anymore.
But then I just cleaned it off. Moved my tools around

Then spent everyday since buying and planning new exciting things
Ohhh the ideas I have. The things I want to bring into form.

I feel scared and small and almost near tears as I write this to be honest.
Being seen, is…well it’s fricken hard.
But that’s one of the reasons for joining Effy Wild!

And here’s to a week, where hopefully I will be brave enough to show up and share what I have going on my metal station.

P.S Please read that as I WILL show up and share what I have going on my metal station.

On the days where all you want to go is crawl into bed and shut out the world. SHOW UP ANYWAYS.

I’m hurting today – migraine in full effect, panic attack from earlier has left me drained and raw. But I’m here. Not fully if I’m honest – I’m just crawling my way to a 100 word count and then I’m done and gone!

I’m not saying any of this for pity, or extra pats on the back. I’m sharing this for myself. So in a week or a month from now, when I have another day like today – cause THEY WILL HAPPEN -, I’ll remember how I pulled myself up and put fourth an effort no matter how small.

It is so important to me to take a step each day.
Just one step. And I’m that one step closer to my goals.

About 3/4ish weeks ago I decided that I was going to do this.
It was time to finally get things done or get off the pot. I have no more time to play the back and fourth that I have been doing – well forever now.

So, I have been hitting the ground running every chance I get. Head down, focused on getting mine. Every single day, I work on my goals. There is no longer any other option for me.

So the Universe gave me some love today!
I found stuff on sale
I found stuff on liquidation
I found stuff for crazy unreal prices – hello! amazing new hammer for a buck thank you very much!
I found stencils and beads, and findings and paint

So much awesome, huge amounts of awesome!

Hell, I even re-found the WordPress theme I have now today!

Good day. Amazing day!

Now, I’m sitting here debating if I want to go for a bike ride, head into my art lair, or pour myself a glass of wine and contemplate my navel.
I could also get my butt in gear and finish building this site!
Speaking of which, since I still haven’t gotten around to adding the button yet.
This blogging for the month of September challenge is brought to you by the letter E. As in Effy Wild

Okay, toodles!

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“Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust.