I first posted this satire to show how paranoia is stoked to ward off criticism. It is still relevant. Vihameyven, Yavin.
— Yerachmiel Lopin

Special Report to YeshivishWeltNeias (YWN) by Hevel Hayofi Kornblue

Rabbi Yitzchok Frankfurter, editor of AMI Magazine, announced the formation of his new Save A Mamzer Foundation at a select invitational dinner in Boro Park last week. The dinner was graced by gedolei Yisroel who chose to give their support anonymously.

The first speaker, Rav Hagaon Ploni Almoni shlitah eloquently spoke on the closing lines of the Mishnah Haroiyois:

“A Cohen is before a Levi, a Levi before a Yisroel, a Yisroel before a mamzer . . . This applies when they are all equal. But if a mamzer is a talmud chacham and a Cohen Gadol is ignorant of the Law, the mamzer . . . precedes . . . the Cohen Gadol.”

Some people think this means a literal mamzer. Boruch Hashem, unlike the Reform, Conservative, and the Open Orthodox, we do not have literal mamzerim who are allowed to become roshei yeshiva. But we do have honorable Jews who the outside world wants us to treat like mamzerim. Some people think that if we give up on the Webermans and Helbranses, we can assuage our enemies and solve our image problems with the outside world. It does not work like that. Do you think the bloggers will stop if we give up a few sacrifices to prosecutors and the media. No! A thousand times no! They will just go after others. One day they prosecute someone for molesting a 12-year-old girl. Then it will be a molester of fourteen- or fifteen-year-olds. One day it will be the prosecution of an Eliyahu Weinstein who stole millions from frum Jews but selflessly gave millions to mosdos. Then the next day they will go after Yidden who commit victimless crimes like fraud at the expense of goyim.

Rabbi Frankfurter explained:

I have to do the holy work that Agudath Israel cannot do because of its lobbying with government. But Agudah provided a good example when it tried to save the life of a drug crazed baal teshuvah who murdered a park official. Some people thought this was meshugah, but it raised the willingness of klal Yisroel to rise to the defense of every last one of us.

Lihavdel elef havdolos, my new foundation will combine the best of the ACLU, the ADL, and AIPAC, the Blatt, the Yid, the New Yorker and Fox News. The writing will be on the level of the New Yorker. Like the Blatt and the Yid we won’t just say, “Pay for the court appeal!” We will declare each defendant an innocent victim of a blood libel by a witness who wants to destroy our Torah life. Like AIPAC we will foster community unity and remind people of nuclear threats lurking in the near future. Like the ADL we will make ourselves the sole arbiter of who is and isn’t an anti-Semite. Like the ACLU, we will defend the worst of the worst, always insisting it is just a matter of due process and constitutional rights. Like Fox News, we will so inundate the other side that they will use up their energy defending themselves from our claims.

Rabbi Dovid Zweibel concluded the presentations by complimenting Rabbi Frankfurter for his willingness to become one of the most reviled Jews in America just to save the orthodox world. He complimented Frankfurter’s strategy of forcefully claiming anti-Semitism.

Goyim will learn that we will stick together screaming “prejudice” louder than we say, ‘Amen, yehei shmei rabbah.’” They will learn that we are not afraid to play that card even for Weberman or Helbrans. They will see that “Kol Yisroel areivim” is not merely a slogan; it is a determined political strategy that all frum Jews will support. Politicians will learn that it is futile for them to think they can divide the community.

YeshivishWeltNeias urges it readers to support the Save A Mamzer Foundation when approached by your local Mamzer Chaver. Your funds will support journalism, investigative expenses, and publicity campaigns. Large donors will be able to sponsor individual mamzerim. Contact Rabbi Frankfurter, if you have another mamzer you feel he should support.

You too can have your own personal mamzer. They will write you a letter every month. they will call you once a month if you accept the collect charges from jail. Request your picture in either Rabbinical black and white or prison orange. Act quickly. thanks to our very effective programs of intimidation and pidyon shvuyim, supplies are limited. Individual mamzerim cannot be guaranteed, since some are in great demand and substitutions may be required. But we guarantee every one of our candidates is a bonafide genuine mamzer.

Get notified about every new post by email

Follow or Contact Yerachmiel Lopin

Twitter: @frumfollies
FaceBook: facebook.com/yerachmiel.lopin
Get regular notifications of new posts by going to the box above this and entering your email address. Your address will not be disclosed to others or shared with anyone else.
If you are not on Twitter or FaceBook, and you want to contact me, leave a message in the comments field of any of my posts with the words "contact me." It will not be visible to any other users. Be sure to include an accurate email in the indicated field.