support needed

Here we go again with Matt - only this time he will just be suspended and on the street. I feel like I am physically fighting the abject fear I have. Please send me positive thoughts and prayers - as I am really, really struggling.
At work I am still doing the job of 3 people, and I am about to snap. They hired someone to help only to have them quit before they even started. It will take months to find another person, and we are going into the height of the season.
I am wondering again, why me? I know it is an unhealthy question to ask - but haven't I already been through enough? I feel so terrified I cannot sleep. I am afraid to cry, because I am afraid I will never stop.
I have already spent years of my co-dependent former marriage life chasing ex off the streets, and 2 weeks looking for H on the streets when she was really dead - it will break me in half to do this with Matt. It seems my only solution is to completely stop caring.

Oh Steely! I'm sorry that you're going through this - it's outrageous that this is going on now. My kids are still young, so I can't possibly imagine what you're going through, I wish I could take some of your pain.

I'm sure someone will come along that knows more about detaching, but this seems deeper to me - have you talked to your therapist? It just seems that you've been fighting an uphill battle for so long - it's time that you get some type of break!

We're here for you hon, I'm rattling beads and praying so hard for you!

You love your son. Its obvious. You have done literally anything and everything that is possible to help him. You have given him the tools. You have shown him that you care. You have taught him right from wrong.

Unfortunately, "18" hit before true maturity and adulthood. its not fair, but there is nothing anyone can do about that. It is his turn now. There is nothing more you can do, except love him. Hopefully, at some point, he'll "get it". And at that point, he's going to need you. You need to take care of you now, so that you are there and ready when he's ready to accept more.

Many, many gentle hugs. You've had a long row to hoe...there has to be a payoff for you somewhere. Hang in there.

You asked me these questions the other day, which are great by the way.

"I guess I would reflect back and ponder why you moved to AZ.
Has the healthcare that K has gotten since you moved changed things, enhanced things, made things better? What about the schools in AZ, what difference have they made?
If all is positive, then I would say you have to take pause, and possibly readjust your goals. A truly golden renter is possible. You have already sacrificed so much - that sacrificing a bit more is doable if the outcome is what you want.
However, if you your answers to the healthcare and school question were only mediocre or somewhat negative than I would not look back. I would move on. You tried, and it helped in the interim, but it is not worth sacrificing for."

I think you can turn these questions and ask them of yourself. husband and I have been asking these questions for a while now. We can fix some of them some we can work on.

I don't know the answers for Matt. I am having to detach from my 5 yo's anxiety right now which is so hard. CBT is so hard when it is your baby. But she needs to do this for herself.
I know all of the things we are going through will only make it worse when she finds out.

I wish I knew the answer to help Matt gain some stability and to give you peace of mind.

I have no idea what I will do if K is in this position at that age.
Sending you lots of love and support.

One of the most difficult things I had to do with my son was to understand no matter how I wanted him to live his life it was HIS life. I needed to get on with living MY life. I had tried to provide him with tools and values but that was all I could do. Unless your son is mentally or physically unable to fend for himself he needs to understand HIS behavior is getting him kicked out of these places that are supposed to help him. If he can't manage to follow the rules then he needs to know the streets, shelters will be his next home.......

I don't want to tell you how to handle your situation because I don't know all the facts, but there does come a time when YOUR life becomes just as important as his........ this time let him figure out where he is going.............. he hasn't had a say in it so he isn't interested in following the rules to stay................. just my two cents..............

Janet this program will "not kick kids out" but they will suspend them for 3 days and make them live on the streets and earn their way back into the program. It truly is the only way a 19 year old will get the message. However, I am having a great degree of PTSD about it.

As of right now, they chose not to suspend him because he was responding to their limits. They did call me last night and tell me exactly what to say to Matt - and how to handle the situation when he called me with his drama - which I really appreciated. They told me today I did an amazing job of responding to Matt - which meant a lot - since his last program thought I was the worst mom ever.

It seems detaching should be more gradual than this. But it is not. I woke up last night in a panic, filled with terror. However, I processed through it today, and I am in a better spot. My biggest deal is that he will die. I get consumed with a paralyzing fear that I will never speak to him again, hug him, or know he is safe - that I will find him dead.

My boss told me today that I was not a high enough caliber employee to assume the vacant position of director of retail - yet he has asked me to that job and mine for upwards of 6 months. His comment really, really stung. It was pretty cutting.

I am still fighting off the mono - but I am feeling better. I am trying not to work more than 5 days a week, even though I should to get everything done.

I'm proud of you for how well you are doing with this and I do believe it gets easier. I'm so glad to hear they didn't suspend him. It sounds like they are being supportive and I like that they complimented how great you did. Sending hugs and love, ML