Wednesday, May 23, 2012

One Step Closer

I've mentioned briefly before how I don't want to portray my marriage as some perfect union of two people who just love and love and never screw up. Because it isn't, and thank goodness for that (I think). I want to be honest about the ups and downs so others feel comfortable being honest about theirs.

So. With that lovely intro, last night, the huverbee and I had a Talk with a capital T. This was a unique talk, because I had been putting it off for a while. Lately, I've been feeling very unhappy in our marriage, and I had adopted this attitude of resignation, this feeling that things would never get better and so I just needed to adjust my expectations of happiness and stop with all the pity parties. It was totally unfair to both me and the heebab, and so last night I finally gathered the courage to open up.

A big piece of the fear I felt toward this particular conversation actually stems from the amount of love I have for my dear beloved. I was well aware of how my feelings portrayed him as the bad guy, and I was terrified of hurting him. I never want him to question my love/commitment for him, and I was so scared that's what his response would be.

Out of this fear and unhappiness came something absolutely beautiful, a revelation about each other that has the potential to change the way we interact. But woah Nelly, let's slow down a teensy moment. Let's set the scene before we jump in: I wrote a while ago about love languages, and how people seem to view them as a magic marriage-saving potion. I've also mentioned how silly I think this is. BUT as I was reading a book on marriage, I was reminded of the quiz I wrote about that told both me and hulzer that our love language was quality time, yet I never feel like he wants to spend quality time with me.

As I mulled this over, I was struck by a thought that was later confirmed by our Talk. Ok, you may re-enter the scene. So I asked this man who is my husband, "Husband, when do you feel like we are spending quality time together? What does that look like for you?" And he proceeded to tell me that he loved watching movies with me, or watching a Blazer game, and even gave me some background about why those things feel important to him, bless his unusually talkative heart.

Now this may not seem like a revelation to you, but oh my stars, it explained so much! You see, quality time to me REQUIRES conversation. It absolutely must include some form of deep, meaningful communication, or else it's a bust. If you are laughing to yourself at the way this must play out, you are one smart cookie.

On a normal night, this is what might happen. I will be sitting in bed on the computer, and the H will call from the other room, asking me to join him on the couch in watching TV. I will respond negatively, feeling like he is trying to "cheat" on our quality time together by just having me sit next to him while he watches the game he would have watched anyway. But what is really happening is that he is asking for my presence, asking me to show him love by wanting to be next to him and participate in this activity with him, even if we're not saying a word.

Are you seeing the light, my friend?? It rocked my world to be honest. If I go sit with him and watch a show or a game or a movie and know that I am satisfying him, serving him, loving him, then it's all worth it. It completely changes this meaningless activity into an easy and wonderful way to serve my husband. He's not cheating on anything, but simply trying to tell me how to love him. And I'm finally listening, hallelujah and amen.