Last day of School

The bell ringed as usual, I was already sitting down.Alot of other kids came rushing in. “Mirvana did you do your homework” I heard a voice say?Turning around with a big smile “yes I did”.It was Teressa,she was my best friend since forever.Teressa never does her homework,I always warn her she needs to do her work.”What would you do with out me” I said.”I realy don’t know” she said while rushing to copy the answers down.Mrs.Harrylance walked in, she was wearing a daisy flower dress, with blue cloud flats.”You look nice today Mrs.harrylance”I said .Others agreed and complemented too.”Thank you class” Mrs.Harrylance said.”Now for roll call Arthur,Micheal,Will,Betty,Lessa,Teresa,” she said.Before Mrs.Harrylance could finish Boom!He came busting threw the door.The usaul it was Joey,he is late all the time.Joey walked in smiling as usual ,”Sorry Mrs.Harrylance,I got caught in traffic” he said.Joey was a typical class clown, he never did his work,he made people laugh ,and he was very clumsy.

“Okay Joey,sit down please”she said.Mrs.Harrylance always puts up with joey, he never gets in real trouble.I have to sit by joey all the time.Joey usualy chooses to sit by me.Joey also always trys to talk to me,I hate it.”Hey Mirvana, how is it going” Joey said with a big grin.”Leave me alone Joey,you always try to talk to me,cant you take a hint “ I said in my meanest voice.But as usaul he ignored it and still kept going.”Joey be quit and stop talking” Mrs.Harrylance said.Class finally started, we turned in our homework.Most of the kids did not do the homework.”Thank you Mirivana, that’s why you are my student of the month” Mrs.Harrylance said .Mrs.Harrylance begin to teach social studies,I love soicial studies.I allways wanted to be apart of history .My goal in life is to be the first Female president,”I will make that happen” I whispered to myself.But today was different the lesson was extremily boring,I just could not pay attention.

Thirty minutes into class,I cant stop starring at the window.The snow is feathering the ground,the sky is lightly gray.I can not wait for today to end.Once I go home I am gonna play in the snow with my brother Jerry.We allways make big snow men with a huge carrot noses.Jerry and I always knock them down after .We make big snow angels with it after that .Then I might stay on the phone with Teresa all night ,I mean problly untill 9pm.But in the snow I see a man with black boots,brown jacket,and a Philly’s hat.He is taking things out of the truck, more candy and snacks.Why we already got candy and snacks this week.”Mirvana,Mirvana”!”What” ?”Let me use your phone to text jacob” Teresa said.Jacobs got suspended for a fight ,lucky him.Teresa’s mom took her phone away ,Teresa hates her mom.”Okay Teresa”I said.

Fithteen minutes left , then I will be home free.”It was Lewis and Clark”I said .”Your right Teresa,thats why you have all A’s” Mrs.Harrylance said.Ten minutes left My legs were shaking ready for the great things ahead.Everybody started to walk around and talk to each other.I was to anxious talk or walk around.Mrs.Harrylance walked up to me and said “Mirvana your award ceremony is torromow”.”Yes Mrs.Harrylance and thank you for choosing me” I said politely.”You’re so cool and smart “Joey said.”Leave me alone Joey, Gosh cant believe I have six months left with you” I said.”You are the most annoying person I have met in my life “I screamed.

Then He walked in , black boots,brown jacket,and a Philly’s hat.What is he doing hear?”Can I help you” Mrs.Harrylance asked.Right before my own eyes Mrs.Harrylance fell,the sound broke my ears.Everybody in class was in shock .Mrs.Harrylance was dead with blood leaking out of her head.The man looked at us, he had a big gun .I don’t know the name of the gun , but it was big.”Bye kids” he screamed .Everybody scrambled around like rats being chased by cats. Arthur tried to run to the door, he dropped.My legs could not move,I was still in shock.When your about to die everything slows down.It felt like it took him three hour just to gun down three kids.

Everybody ran screaming and begging for mercy.”Please, stop”Teresa screamed,the man aimed it at her .He fired more bullets than I could count,my best friend was gone .Tears ran down my cheeks,I could not even move my hands to wipe it.I never seen something like this before.My brother jerry played games like this all the time.But when its right in your face , its more then fear its not sane.I tried to close my eyes and imagine myself playing in the snow with my brother jerry ,with mom making hot chocolate for us after.”Hey girl “he screamed! I opened my eyes no one was standing.It was only me and him .”This is just a dream “ he said .I stopped for a minute,”A dream , when will it end” I said with a weakstutteringvoice.”Right Now “ he screamed with a bullets rushing to my face .I knew it was over for my life.In a blink of a eye someone jumped in front of the desk I was in.Blood blasted out of the body , the body fell on my desk.I looked at the face.It was Joey,without a word he smiled at me and touched my face .

Everyone was gone ,I was the only real human left.The man smiled and said “whats your name “.”Mir Mirvana “I cried .”Well Mirvana good bye “ he said .Click,Click!He was out of bullets.Am I safe?Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out apistol.Aimingit at my face,time slowed down again.The class looked like the red painting I made yesterday.He walked up to me ,stepping on dead bodys on the ground.He was a monster,”any last words” he said .I was the first in the classroom today,but I am also the last to leave.”No” I cried.He clicked the pistol”hoped you enjoyed your last day of school”.

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Comments

I think I'll follow in the steps of Hannah, Mr. Versatile, and edit a paragraph of your work, and since she chose the first paragraph, I think it's only fair I do the second.

So click 'spoiler' if you dare.

Spoiler! :

%u201COkay, Joey.Sit down please%u201D she said. ^Mrs. Harrylance always puts up with Joey, he never gets in real trouble. I have to sit by Joey all the time. JoeyHe usually chooses to sit by me. He also always tries to talk to me, I hate it.^"Hey Mirvana, how is it going?%u201D Joey saidasked with a big grin.^'Leave me alone Joey. You always try to talk to me, can't you take a hint%u201C I said in my meanest voice.^But as usual, he ignored itme and still kept going.^'Joey, be quiet and stop talking.%u201D Mrs. Harrylance said.^Class finally started, and we turned in our homework. Most of the kids did not do the homeworkit.^"Thank you, Mirvana, that%u2019s why you are my student of the month%u201D Mrs. Harrylance saidtold me.^Mrs. Harrylance begin to teach social studies, which I lovedsoicial studies. I always wanted to be a part of history. My goal in life is to be the first Female president.^%u201DI will make that happen.%u201D I whispered to myself.^But today was a different the lesson that was extremely boring. I just could not pay attention.

That took me much longer than you'd think.You have a lot of unnecessary information throughout the story and it distracts the reader sometimes more than the grammatical errors. While you have no problems with the story itself, being as short as it is, it wouldn't hurt to do a bit of editing.

Keep on writing

PS- YWS seems to hate quotes. I'm so sorry if that looks weird and I'd gladly edit it somewhere else if you'd like.

Alrighty, building off of what Hannah said, there are soooo many grammar and spelling errors here that it makes this piece so incredibly difficult to read. Firstly, you need to put a space after most all grammar usage. For example if you say "in the classroom today,but I am also..." That should be: "in the classroom today, but I am also..." that space may seem pointless but it's absolutely essential. Firstly it makes your writing seem less sloppy and it makes everything far easier to read.

Furthermore, almost always when you have new quotations with dialogue said by someone else you need to properly space that out. So When you say:

"No," I cried.He clicked the pistol"hoped you enjoyed your last day of school".

Several problems with this line. So it should be:

"No," I cried.He clicked the pistol "hope you enjoyed your last day of school."

Punctuation always goes inside of the quotation at the end and there should be a new paragraph between dialogue.

Most people will not even attempt to read this piece when it has this many grammar errors. So you fix all these errors and give me a PM and then I shall give it a wonderful review. If you're having trouble with the grammar, copy and paste this piece into Word and use spell/grammar check. It will really help things out trust me. Let me know when you've got this piece all fixed up. Keep up the good work!

Okay! I am tempted, honestly, to just link you to a bunch of grammar articles and make you proof-read and correct your work before I come back to say anything about the content, but I won't do that. Please realize, though, that grammar and spelling are important. When they are correct, it is easier for people to read your work, which means it's easier for them to understand and like what you're saying.

'Cause your story isn't bad. For the first half, I imagined it like Horrible Harry in Room 2B, or whatever that story was that I read on Friday. I imagined these sparse words broken up with a lot of pictures. Now, toward the end it got very intense, so I don't think it works for a kid's book anymore, which is really odd, but I'll talk about that later.

First, I will edit one paragraph of your work for you and point out the grammar errors. c:

The bell rang as usual, and I was already sitting down. A lot of other kids came rushing in. “Mirvana, did you do your homework?” I heard a voice say. Turning around with a big smile, I said, “Yes, I did.” It was Teressa.She has been my best friend since forever. Teressa never does her homework. I always warn her she needs to do her work. "What would you do with out me?” I said. ”I really don’t know,” she said, while rushing to copy the answers down. Mrs. Harrylance walked in. She was wearing a daisy flower dress, with blue cloud flats. ”You look nice today, Mrs. Harrylance,” I said. Others agreed and complimented, too.”Thank you, class,” Mrs.Harrylance said. ”Now for roll call. Arthur, Micheal, Will, Betty, Lessa, Teresa,” she said. Before Mrs. Harrylance could finish, Boom![i] He came busting through the door. As usual, it was Joey. He is late all the time. Joey walked in smiling, as usual. ”Sorry, Mrs.Harrylance. I got caught in traffic,” he said. Joey was a typical class clown: he never did his work, he made people laugh, and he was very clumsy.

Phew!

You need spaces at the end of sentences. You need spaces after punctuation. Commas need spaces after them. Please give the punctuation room to breathe!

Anyway, your first sentence is a comma splice that I fixed for you in one of the three ways it can be fixed. Check out the article for more information, because you had many more throughout your paragraph. If you learn how to avoid making this mistake, you won't have to clean it up afterwards. c:

This will also be useful to you:Article on dialogue punctuation.It teaches you how to use punctuation around dialogue. One thing it doesn't mention is that usually in prose, we make all new dialogue on a new line to help keep the speakers straight. I did that for you in your paragraph so you can see an example. If the same speaker keeps speaking after a little description, you can keep it in the same paragraph. Anyway, this helps make it easier for people to read.

Keep learning grammar and making your work clearer!

The one major thing I have to say about this is that for the first part of the story, it sounds like a kid's book. It's very simple. The language is simple and clear, and the ways things are described gets perfectly into a kid's head. But the last part is definitely harder for a kid to handle. This would be a tricky thing to publish because of the discrepancy between the two parts. What do you see this story as accomplishing? It definitely doesn't give hope to kids, which is what a lot of children's publishing wants to do. But it also doesn't feel accessible to adults. It doesn't speak to them at all. So it's in a land in between. How do you want to fix it?

I'd recommend raising the speech level, maybe the age of the children. Otherwise you can change the point of view to the teacher to better access an adult's view of this terrible event. That way, the target audience (who can handle the shooting narrative) will be able to get into the story without feeling like they're reading a book aimed at second graders.

Anyway, PM me if you have any questions, please! My mail box is always open. hehe

Okay, did you run this through a spell check or try editing this before you posted it at all? This has a bevy of issues which mainly stem from your not including a space before the next sentence begins, please do this! In addition, every new line of dialogue (the next time someone speaks) should be on a new line. This is so we know who is talking and what they are talking about. I almost have no idea what is going on with most of your dialogue.

You use names far too often, I know Joey’s name now, you don’t need to use it for every time you’re talking about him. Once you use his name – which should be as he busts through the door – you can then just use “he” and sometimes “Joey” if you really want to. Is the main character’s name Minerva or Teresa? Because Mrs Harrylance tells Teresa she’s correct when your main character says an answer.

Okay so wow. Did not see that coming at all. That was pretty much… well, I suppose it might be how it can happen, a sudden shooting. I think that you run through this way too quickly, which is partly because of all the issues with punctuation and spaces. You need to give us a bit more time, describe her classroom while she’s in it, and the people sitting around her. Minerva also needs to be less perfect, her teacher is clearly unfairly biased and poor Joey likes her and she’s a jerk to him. This is a very odd depiction but it could work. You need to slow down that action and give us more reason to be stunned with Minerva. Talk about the colour of blood, the shapes the sounds – she says everything slows down, so you can use then to describe what’s happening around her. You can also use a bit of this time to sort out a little more of who is dying and how many kids were there and things that seem like small details. Things like "Laura's green jacket is splotched with black, spreading all over her back, I can't see her move" so that we're horrified about poor Laura. You want us to be horrified and sad, capitalise on that and make us like these kids, feel for them.

This isn't bad but you need to fix up those spaces, run it through a spell check and proof read before you post things. Slow down the action and describe a bit more and this could be quite good.

Please feel free to hit me up with any questions, queries or just to chat.

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.— -Apple Inc.