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9.08.2015

ROWAN COUNTY, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Mathew Staver - the lawyer representing jailed Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis, who refuses to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples out of hatred for America and the Constitution - announced he had "never actually read" the Constitution or "learned about the Supreme Court" prior to Sunday when he "made the time" to do so. The former Dean of the Liberty University School of Law confessed, "I have made a terrible mistake, and a complete ass of myself for claiming the Supreme Court does not have the authority to order federal and state officials to adhere to its rulings."

"I now see this case has absolutely no merit, and I have wasted everyone's time. It looks like the Supreme Court has been making rulings with the force of law under the authority of the Constitution since Marbury v. Madison in 1803," stated Staver, who runs the Liberty Counsel - a quasi-law practice that promotes conservative Christian beliefs above the rule of law, and pays no taxes by also claiming to be a ministry.

Screen shot of Mathew Staver, who recently learned some interesting facts about how the United States functions under something called the "rule of law."

Staver continued, "Apparently, the Marbury v. Madison ruling established the Supreme Court's authority, and something called 'judicial precedent' has kept it going ever since. I am learning so much about how the judicial branch works as almost a check or balance on the legislative and executive branches. I honestly had no idea about any of this until Sunday.'"

"I must have sounded like a complete idiot when I compared Davis to a Jew being led into a gas chamber by the Nazis for denying same-sex couples a marriage license. After my rudimentary research, the people claiming she is Rosa Parks or Martin Luther King or something look completely nuts and civically ignorant," said Staver.

Mr. Staver also confessed he now understood "that chaos and mob rule would result" if government employees and everyone else were allowed to choose what laws they wanted to follow, because "the rule of law is supreme, not some jerk's religious beliefs."

A short time after his press conference, Staver informed Davis he could not continue to represent her "in good conscience," and wished her "the best of luck."