Writers Challenge #7 - The Critique

The following passage was written as an April fool’s joke developed when taking to Lisa with Lulu (A truly wonderful person that helped me a lot.) It is purposely poorly written. Your challenge? Write a critique. The critique should assist but not destroy the writer. I am not 100% sure there is anything good to say about the style or layout, but therein lies the challenge!

Reworded - How do you give advice for an execrable piece and yet still leave the writers spirit undamaged?

Cat Funk - Written as a Speculative Novel for April Fool's Day

“Here kitty kitty.” The deaf and blind monk called across the condemned rectory, shuffling dirt and detritus in his wake.

He stopped when he hit the wall and then he rubbed his nose gently, the last time he had bumped his nose like that it had fallen off from the leprosy.

The cat looked a lot like it’s owner except that is was not leprous, it was a zombie. The dog had bitten it and then thrown it into a zombie dimension and then the cat had jumped out to become a zombie kitty.

“I am a zombie kitty” the newly formed creature thought as it scraped across the broken wooden floor and then tried to climb the monks leg and then let out a pitiful yowl and then drooled cat zombie gunk all over the leper blind and deaf monks shoe and then jumped onto his hand.

“Be careful kitty. If I had feeling left in that arm it could have hurt!” the monk said and then continued, “You stink kitty and you are covered in gooey mud. We better take you to the special cat bath with the flushable kitty tub to clean you up and then dry you and then fluff you and them feed you little kitty treats.”

The monk flushed and then flushed and then flushed again but nothing seemed to make the kitty smell better.

“Maybe I need to dry him in the microwave.” The monk said to himself as he worked his way to the old kitchen.

He tried flushing and then microwaving and then air drying and then baking and then wrapping the kitty in bacon but nothing seemed to work…

Comments

“Here kitty kitty.” The deaf and blind monk called across the condemned rectory, shuffling dirt and detritus in his wake.

It only says he is calling, not that he is also walking. ( '... in his wake as he walks across the room. ') But should he not be pushing it?

He stopped when he hit the wall and then he rubbed his nose gently, the last time he had bumped his nose like that it had fallen off from the leprosy.

How could he bump it again if it had already fallen off?

The cat looked a lot like it’s owner except that is was not leprous, it was a zombie.

But it was also cat. Its owner looked like a cat?

The dog had bitten it and then thrown it into a zombie dimension and then the cat had jumped out to become a zombie kitty.

Gosh, what a clever cat. But a zombie dimension?

“I am a zombie kitty” the newly formed creature thought

An amazing cat. It thinks in human. But I thought zombies were dead creatures with not much in the way of brain activity.

as it scraped across the broken wooden floor and then tried to climb the monk's leg and then let out a pitiful yowl and then drooled cat zombie gunk all over the leper blind and deaf monk's shoe and then jumped onto his hand.

“Be careful kitty. If I had feeling left in that arm it could have hurt!” the monk said and then continued, “You stink kitty and you are covered in gooey mud. We better take you to the special cat bath with the flushable kitty tub to clean you up and then dry you and then fluff you and them feed you little kitty treats.”

The monk flushed and then flushed and then flushed again but nothing seemed to make the kitty smell better.

“Maybe I need to dry him in the microwave.” The monk said to himself as he worked his way to the old kitchen.

He tried flushing and then microwaving and then air drying and then baking and then wrapping the kitty in bacon but nothing seemed to work…

So, maybe this subject matter is not working for you. Read 20 more books, let the words flow and fester in your mind, and then write again. Just a thought. I'm rusty myself in the writing department. I need a room with a view, grown children and no stress to write.

Congratulations upon the originality and very... interesting... nature of the story that you have submitted. Our editors have given your story much consideration and note the very great potential for such a work.

Unfortunately, we find that it does not meet our needs at this time. We wish you the best in finding an editor, an agent, a publisher, and/or a good psychiatrist, not necessarily in that order.

We had intended to return your work in the SASE provided, but due to a minor accident involving a blender, a Keurig machine, and the paper shredder, we find that we are unable to do so.

Cat Funk may be terrible, but I admit I am having a LOT of fun with it, and it really does read better after three or four bottles of good Pinot Noir.

If you are interested in the story behind Cat Funk:

Lisa of Lulu and I were working out some details on April fools day when we started making jokes about classic April Fool jokes.. So I wrote Cat Funk using "and then" as much as I could, because she said the very worst stories used it over a hundred times a page, threw in flat characters and a plot impossible to follow and voila! Cat Funk was born!

I then wrote a letter acceptance of contract to publish Cat Funk with the stipulation I complete the story at no less that 150K words before the Ides of April. Harley Squint Publishing promised to do well by me and appreciated me putting my primary residence up as collateral for the first 50K hardcover book sales.

I left both letters sitting on top of my keyboard for when my wife got home.

Congratulations! My entire editorial staff and me done read your book and we both loved it. The imagery of the spooky monk gave me the shivers! Brrr! And the juxtaposition of the feral undead with the stark reimagining of the sightlessness of the monk brought to mind the grimness of Schopenhauer (if he'd shared a house with Virginia Woolf!). Or something.

Anyway, please excuse the unsolicited approach, but here at Coady Books we're all super excited at the thought of publishing your book, and as a special one time never to be repeated offer we are willing to do it ABSOLUTELY FREE* and GUARANTEE** you an annual income of UP TO $30,000***.

Our one concern was that your book may be a little long, but never fear! You can work with our editor to correct this just as soon as he returns to the office****.

Payment can be made via Paypal or via an unmarked envelope with used notes left behind the hot water pipes in the gents at Waterloo Station.

Yours

Richard Coady

Coady Books plc

* plus postage and packing of $4,999.99.

** Guarantee is not guaranteed

*** Note the inclusion of the phrase 'up to', which obviously includes the number zero.