Groucho was a genius. He should have written a book on what not to do in life. Since he didn’t, I will take a stab at this same subject. I could also call this, “lessons I learned the hard way” but I think he said it better. Based on my own experience, since birth, these are the most important rules I have learned along the way.

It’s not always a good thing to be the teacher’s pet. I held this dubious honor for most of my third grade year. Then one day the girl sitting next to me had an accident, she peed on the floor while sitting at her desk. I guess the pressure of being next to me all year was more than she coud take. Miss Howell immediately came over and took her to the nurse’s office. As usual she asked me to take over the class while she was gone. I was headed to the front of the class when she added this, “Guy, would you please clean that up.” I quickly realized that fame was a double-edged sword and I had just fallen on it.

The length of a firecracker fuse is inversely proportional to your level of stupidity. Need I say more.

Stop signs are not optional. I blew through one every day on my way to school during sixth grade. One day my luck ran out and I slammed into the side of a Buick. I was laying in the street unconscious for a minute or two before I realized what had happened. If I had been two seconds quicker I would have been a hood ornament or possibly dead.

Beautiful females are the most distracting thing on the planet. If the mini-skirt had never been invented I might have gone to Harvard.

The laws of physics are immutable. On a curvy, mountain road in the Ozarks, when the sign says speed limit 30 and you take the curve doing twice that, bad things will happen. We slid all the way across the road and onto the other shoulder before I got it under control. This also proves that divine providence does exist. Frankly, I shouldn’t be here to write this blog.

Never smoke a foot long cigar that was purchased at a souvenir shop. It took 3 of us all evening at a drive-in movie just to dispense with this torpedo. The stench was unforgettable, burning tires smell less obnoxious.

Dating more than one girl at a time never works. I tried this many times, always with the same result.

Going to class in college is the easiest way to get decent grades. It took me one whole semester to figure this one out. Of course, beautiful college girls were equally responsible for my absence.

Anyone who says, “try it, it won’t hurt you”, is not your friend. Kool-Aid and grain alcohol is the best example of this rule.

Bachelor parties are the primary source of brain damage in young men. Twelve of us drank a pony keg of beer while floating it in a pool and then hit the well stocked liquor cabinet. I woke up hung over in a canopy bed that I had never seen before.

Never sit within arm’s reach of an open bar at a wedding reception. Pretty much self-explanatory.

If you’re going to own a car with a manual transmission be sure to teach your wife how to drive it. See previous rule.

A completely heterosexual male will never be able to make enough money. I could have been rich if not for all the money I spent trying to make the women in my life happy.

Women love their children and pets more than they love you. Consider yourself lucky to be in the top 5 after jewelry and clothes. Women love your ability to provide all of the previous items.

Never blog without a standard disclaimer. I’m kidding as usual. Satire just comes so naturally to me I can’t help myself but some of this stuff has been proven by my own trial and error. In the words of Yogi Berra, “You can observe a lot just by watching.”