Finally a new Bond with Spectre! And a great actor like Christoph Waltz plays Blofeld.

Let me start off this 'review' with a short story. My girlfriend and I went to see Spectre in the theater at 10pm. The only Bond movie I had seen theatrically was Casino Royale. I was excited to actually be able to do the review so quickly after release. My girlfriend made it about 12 minutes into the movie before falling asleep. At the 50 minute mark or so I decided to pull the plug on the whole deal. We left the theater and exchanged tickets for something in the future. Hint: we never came back to see Spectre. That was in November 2015, when the movie came out. It is now April 2017, a year and a half later. This movie has been sitting on my iTunes playlist for almost a year and a half. I've started it 4 times or so with the intention of reviewing it. I kept getting interrupted. Then today at 1 in the morning I decided enough was enough and set about to finishing the review. I've never put this much effort into a review before.

Mexico City - the day of the dead. You’d think that if everyone in the streets put their efforts into fixing up their city it wouldn’t be a polluted wasteland.

About to bang, Bond goes out the window and he just looks like he’s about to sell me a Heineken.

Bond fights a retired tennis player in a helicopter in which the pilot can’t ever seem to recover from a simple spin.

New James Bond theme song by Sam Smith. I think that’s his name. The movie’s credits look like music video credits while memories play in the background from the previous Daniel Craig movies. Lots of sexy octupusses. Octopussi? Octopuss-es-s’i. Nailed it. We are introduced to Spectre during the opening credits so it’s weird. Good song with cool creepy visuals. Bond is often on fire with women touching him. Is this supposed to be appealing? Burning flesh isn’t sexy. It’s…just not. I think it’s a visual representation of his herpes.

Boss Who Shall Not Be Named grounds Bond. Tells him he’s no longer allowed to play spy because of what he did to Mexico City. As if Mexico City even noticed all the mayhem he caused.

Some guy named C is introduced, he doesn't feel too permanent but I’ve been wrong before. Bond then invites Moneypenny over to show her his dick but instead shows her a video where old M tells him to kill Marco Sciarra and attend his funeral.

I’ve officially started/stopped this movie 4 times over the course of a year. I just drunkely debated with myself (out loud) over which Bond movie has more relevance, Goldeneye or Skyfall. Personally I like Skyfall more. It’s better if you’ve…wait…Bond must still be good…he just climbed off a boat without the help of a chunky British guy….anyway, Skyfall would be easier for non-Bond fans to enjoy but Goldeneye was partially so awesome because it followed a bunch of terrible ones. Even though I personally enjoy the Timothy Dalton movies (he’s my age’s Bond, after all)

Q shows Bond a car he can’t have and then gives him a watch instead. “One more thing, if you know what I mean…the alarm is rather loud…” Personally, I would ask several follow up questions. Does this goddamn watch explode? What if I want to set the actual alarm? Will my wrist blow up or my whole body? What’s the blast radius of this shit? So many unanswered questions in the name of spy slickness. So, I hate to break it to you but obviously Bond stole the car he wasn’t supposed to have. Bond has a history of being kind of a dick but getting away with it. He also has a history of losing his job due to a policy, having his superiors cover for him anyway, getting the job done and then never mentioning the whole thing at the end of the film. I mean, day… because he’s totally a real person.

Monica Belucci is a grieving widow or something. Her husband was Mexican? She’s Italian. Maybe I don’t remember the guy because it’s been a year. She lives in a house that is severely open to the elements. Must be a bastard trying to clean that house. She is obviously depressed because she will die soon and Bond uses that depressed leverage to peel off those 50 year old undies. Bond then smells her instead of kissing her. Super awkward because you have to see it twice due to a mirror. Who here will be surprised when she turns out to be in on it? I’d put the odds she’s bad at ….37%.

Blofeld shows up and he feels like the bad guy from that weird Police Academy movie. My memory might not be serving me well but I seem to remember one of those movies I haven’t seen since 1991 where a shadowy figure gives orders. Did I imagine this?

A wrestler shows up to thumb in a guy’s eyes in an apparent display of dominance. Blofeld calls out Bond for being there. AWKWARD.

Bond escapes from the meeting in his stolen car. Nothing in the car works as its labeled but he knew this already so the joke is null. He hits a missile button but for some reason the homing tracking starts off WAY to the left instead of just in the center. If you’re in a car and shooting backward, START IN THE CENTER. Because obviously.

This Moneypenny is getting some dick. This is actually important because it means this time he can’t be a total cock tease with her. Although, maybe the original was too and we just didn’t see it. This one might not end up killing Bond and herself in a twisted murder-suicide.

Bond talks to Richard Harris or something resembling Richard Harris. He asks for more information on where to find Waltz then gives him a gun and I thought he called Bond a kike but he said kite. Would have been strange last words of taking racism to the grave. Oh, he blows his own brains out before Bond robs the corpse.

We watch Bond have a therapy session with a blonde girl who is revealed to be Richard Harris-ish’s daughter. Bond asks her for information to find “Ameri-Can?” Not sure if that’s how it is spelled but that’s clearly what they’re saying. Bond then attempts to order an alcoholic beverage but it’s a dry, disgusting bar. Q tells Bond that if he doesn’t go back to MI-6, Q and Moneypenny will lose their jobs. Bond is shit-less in his gives toward this information.

New Bond, new ridiculous chase sequence. The girl is kidnapped and in the back of a truck on a snowy mountain. Remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie from 2014 in which there is a huge snowy mountain apparently JUST outside New York City? Anyway, I have to assume that’s where they are. Bond chases them down in a plane. It loses both wings and both wheels so he has to crash land into the truck. Apparently, the girl’s name is Dr. Swan.

Dr. Swan is drunk and ranting about her daddy issues. Bond uses this opporunity to rape her, Cosby style. She says no and that she will kill him if he rapes her in her sleep. This is literally what happens. It’s played off as a joke. While she is sleeping, un-raped, Bond almost tortures a small animal and then uses a Heineken brand beer to find out where a secret room is. He punches through a thick wall to reveal a bunker. Dr. Swan wakes up, obviously. She is wearing a silk neglige when she gets over there. She went to sleep in a dress. I think he DID rape her and either changed her outfit out of confusion or because he thought it was nicer. The second option is actually more gross because he has the creepy confidence that she won’t notice or not mention the act to him. Lots of gross avenues to explore there. Don’t get lost exploring them, dear reader. All the possible destinations lead to rape. Like those Choose Your Own Goosebumps book…if every outcome ended with a rape. Looking at the picture of R.L. Stine in the back of the book, it sounds possible.

The “cocky little bastard” character C is trying to shut down the Double-0 program with his new Skynet type system taking over the world. Does every single Bond movie have a plot line where he’s been disavowed and completely on his own, only to be helped along the way from the shadows by the people he works with?

While having drinks on a train with Swan, a man kicks the table into Swan’s face. It was hilarious and I kept rewinding it to make sure that was really what I watched. The guy that kicked over the table is the same guy that thumbed in the eyes at the Spectre meeting before. He’s essentially a pitbull that learned to walk on two legs. He fights Bond and it feels very much like the sequences from the Archer episode with the Canadian Mounties. The guy gets taken off the train in a comedic premise. Bond has reached the appropriate level of time to get up in Swan’s guts.

So Bond is at some compound in the middle of an African desert…for…something? Usually I’m a few scenes behind on the plot with these Bond movies. I’m certain they’ve told me why he’s there but action movies make my eyes glaze over. I know…I’m not very manly. While in his room, Bond looks at a photograph on the wall with some of the worst photoshop I’ve ever seen. Just…terrible.

Inside a building, Swan and Bond (that should be a tv show name) find a meteorite. It looks like they should find a dying Professor X but a meteorite will do. Blofeld walks up to them. Everything with Spectre is shot so well. It gives me joy-joy feelings.

So, Bond just told Blofeld that he came there to kill him and Blofeld said he thought he came there to die. So…that’s out in the air now. I guess they’ll just continue with the tour of the campus for some reason. I don’t know. I’ve never understood that. I don’t wax poetically like Bond villains. I’m more pragmatic and hate wasting my time. Just shoot the bastard and be done with it. “I know you’ve destroyed my every plan at world domination but… Bond… I think I’ll explain THIS plot to you too….for some reason….” - Apparently Blofeld is the one that owns this movies version of Skynet so he fucked Bond this time. He also killed all the women in the previous movies.

Bond gets knocked out being pistol whipped from behind. His brains must have been concussed into a jelly. The only reason his brains haven’t poured out his ears is because the scar tissue built up from absorbing blows keeps them in place. Like a levee for brain goo.

Apparently, after Bond’s parents died, Blofeld’s dad raised Bond and Blofeld together. Then Blofeld killed his own father. Or something like that. Bond uses this opportunity to take off his watch while his brain is being tortured like his balls were in Casino Royale. So the watch blew up in front of Blofeld and just basically pushed him over in his chair. That’s fine, it’s a tiny watch explosive. But for some reason all of that unlocked the torture device that Bond was in. Why did he know it would? What if it didn’t? The computer could have blown up and the locks remained. That seems more logical. Otherwise your victims/patients are let go if there’s a power hiccup or your computer runs slowly. One software crash and you have to recapture them. Nonsense.

Guess what? M is still helping Bond. Crazy right? Swan says goodbye to James. She also professed her love for him during the torture scene. His dick must download a computer virus into women that overwrites their emotions. Spoiler alert, it isn’t the only virus he’s pumping into them.

C has Bond and M kidnapped but it goes wrong. M shows up in C’s office like Bond did in the opening scene of Casino Royale.

I love Daniel Craig as Bond but he looks like a 60 year old man’s head was put on a 25 year old body. Choosing the best Bond is the subject of many debates but it’s tricky when it comes to Craig. His movies are just more solid and less ridiculous which makes him look like the obvious choice. I know my least favorite for sure. Roger Moore is my least favorite. Craig is probably my favorite. I just like how he balances the action sequences and sarcasm. Dalton is my second favorite. That’s right…I goddamn said it.

Blofeld officially has the eye scar. This time it’s way more brutal. Bond is lured into a puzzle straight out Batman: Arkham Asylum. There are a series of chambers, each with picture of a person’s face from a previous movie inside the room. There are also ropes along the ceiling that appear to go into each room. It’s like a goddamn Saw movie.

C fell to death. I like ancillary villains in movies like this. When there is only 1 villain it gets boring and feels to much like a 140 minute chase sequence.

So all that talk about the puzzle and having to choose which one to save and it ends with Bond stumbling upon Swan, saving her and jumping into a net below while Blofeld blows up the building.

My opinions on action movies have changed so much over the past decade or so. I used to borderline hate them and judged them way too harshly. But then, the Transformers happened. Avatar. The Avengers. Superhero movies became prominent and took over the box office. Because of that, I really appreciate a movie like Spectre. Yes, it’s an action movie. Bond movies are all action movies. But they aren’t flying around and knocking half a city down. Shit blows up but it’s at least semi-realistic.

Bond lets Blofeld live after shooting down his helicopter. I actually like when a villain is left alive but still caught. It gets really old when you know you have to just wait to see HOW the villain dies and not IF they die. Obviously, I knew Blofeld wouldn’t die beause he’s Bond’s major villain. He needs to be there. He’s like the Joker of this series.

Overall, decent flick. I’d say, so far, the Craig-era Bond movies can be ranked from best to worst as: Skyfall, Casino Royale, Spectre, Quantum Of Solace. I really enjoyed every single second Christoph Waltz was on screen. He’s a great villain. Bond only bangs 2 women in this movie which seems low but Craig Bond never really racks up the numbers and to be honest I don’t give a shit about that. He walked off into the sunset with yet another girl so I think we all know the next movie begins with her dying horribly. The end credits said he will be back so we have that to look forward to. I wonder how long Craig can keep this going though. I am rooting for him because he’s interesting but so was Hugh Jackman and he knew enough to walk away while he still could. Pull a Seinfeld if you will. He needs to at least do Bond 25. if only because it means he was Bond for 5 of the 25 Bond movies. That’s a respectable amount.