How to get over being dumped

It happens to everyone

Losing someone you love leaves you with a dull, heavy weight
in your chest.

Most of us have to cope with being dumped at some point in life.
It's certainly happened to me, so I know it's just about the worst feeling in
the world.

I often seen clients who are trying to cope with their
heartbreak at the end of a relationship, and they usually look absolutely
anguished and shocked – and a bit like they've just been in a major car
accident.

Losing someone you love leaves you with a dull, heavy weight in
your chest that often, without warning, explodes into lacerating pain.

Indeed it's so painful that many people feel they cannot
tolerate the agony – and that is one reason why so many rejected lovers keep
hoping against hope that their partner will return and all will be well.

Skewed thinking

It's really common for heartbroken individuals to believe that
no one else on earth could possibly fill the gap left by the ex-partner. This
is nonsense of course, but grief skews our thinking.

I have lost count of the number of times that patients have
said to me: 'And that's it for me. I'll never find anyone else. And no one else
will ever love me.'

As I try to point out to them, they can't possibly know that
they won't find love again – for the simple reason that they don't have a
crystal ball!

And actually, telling yourself that your romantic life is over
is not at all helpful. It just compounds the misery, and sends very
demoralising messages to the brain.

The truth is that in the worst moments of despair, we all tend
to feel that nothing nice will ever happen again, but just because we feel that
way – it doesn't mean it's true!

So, if this sounds like you, do try – despite all the pain – to
be logical, even though you feel your situation is dire.

By all means say: 'I feel absolutely awful and totally crushed
because I've been dumped.' But don't then add: 'And no one else will ever love
me and I am bound to be lonely for ever.' If you do, you're actually just
overloading your brain with misery – and it's got enough to cope with already.

Accepting it's really over

So, how can you get over the pain? How can you learn to live
again? How can you start viewing your single status as a fresh and fun
opportunity instead of a punishment?

Well, the first step towards a new positive future is to finally
accept that your ex-partner has gone and will not be coming back.

This means facing your grief and allowing yourself to cry for
the loss of your emotional investment, hopes and dreams.

I am afraid that this is a really painful process, but try to
remember that you will recover – even if you can't quite believe it right
now.

Get bored, get better

The next important thing is to lean on your friends and to talk
about your ex until you have no words left to say.

You will know you are getting better when you realise that you
are actually bored with the subject yourself. Talking is the key to feeling
better. When we talk about our hurt it gradually ceases to have power over us
and then we recover.

But during this shattering time, it is vital that you look after
yourself properly. In fact, you should treat yourself like an invalid.

Take long, hot, scented baths, play music that puts you in touch
with your feelings, tempt yourself with favourite foods and allow other people
to get close to you and to care for you.

It's also a good idea to get some
exercise. We know
that physical activity lifts our mood. It helps to boost happy chemicals
(endorphins) in the brain. It also sends a very important message to the brain,
which is that we are taking care of ourselves and that we're worth bothering
with.

It is especially vital that men look after themselves in all the
ways outlined above. The trouble with broken-hearted guys is that they are
often a bit buttoned-up about their feelings and where a woman will ring a
friend and get some of her pain off her chest, a man will often just try to
cope alone. This can feel really tough.

And men are less likely than women to buy
fruit and vegetables
and to eat a healthy diet when they are seriously upset – so they can become
less physically fit and well.

They are also more likely to drown their sorrows in a lot of
alcohol. Of course
some women do this too, but booze is not the answer. In fact, it often makes
people feel even more sad and miserable than they were already.

The LEARN process

I devised this acronym, LEARN, many years ago now for a TV
programme. I am very pleased to say that since that time, it has helped
countless people put the past behind them and move onto new happiness in their
lives. Hopefully it will also help you.

L stands for LIST

Make a list of all the things about your ex-partner that you
did not like. It may start off small, but if you pin it up in your kitchen so
that you see it daily, you will be amazed at how it will grow.

Remember how he or she always told the same jokes? Or got
drunk at parties? Or put you down in company? Or couldn't be bothered to get
involved in your job or hobbies?

Write it all down and start realising that maybe your lost
relationship was not so great after all.

E is for EXPERIENCE

After a relationship is finished, we tend to think that we can
never be loved again. This is not true, of course, but it's what we believe at
the time.

The fact is that there is every probability you will be loved
again. Not by your ex-partner, of course: you will never again share exactly
what you had in that relationship, but you can have just as important feelings
with someone else.

So, a new love will not replicate the experiences you had with
the old one, but you will find that a new love can be an equally good
experience – and maybe even a better one.

A stands for APPRECIATION

Appreciation of yourself, that is.

You need to look at yourself in the mirror and focus on your
best features and congratulate yourself on them. Do this often.

Another helpful task is to write a list of 50 things that you
like about yourself. This might take some doing, but it is a rewarding
exercise.

You see, when we are dumped we tend to take the blame on our
own shoulders. We mentally beat ourselves up for not being more fun or more
intelligent, or more attractive, or better in bed.

Try to stop this destructive thinking and – just for a change
– allow yourself to feel your own goodness. So, deliberately recall times when
you have helped someone, or been kind to a stranger, or put yourself out for a
neighbour.

Learning to accept and value your own kindness, beauty and
talent is very healing.

R is for REORGANISING

Unfortunately, when you have been half of a couple for a
while, many of your friends will be other couples who knew you and your ex.

Sadly, some of these people are probably avoiding you like the
plague now, fearful, in some cranky way, that having you around will make their
own relationship more vulnerable.

But even if you keep plenty of old friends, this is a time
when you need a new circle of mates of both genders.

I know you probably don’t feel like going to a French class
right now or joining the local Amateur Dramatics – but actually this would be a
good time to do it. It would fill your mind with new things and divert it from
all that sorrow. Also, you would make new friends who are nothing to do with
your ex.

You might also want to consider doing some volunteering.
There’s a lot of research now to suggest that altruism is a key component of
happiness – and that
when we reach out to help others, we feel a much higher regard for ourselves.

We've had a great example of that in this summer's (2012)
Olympic Games in London. It's been quite clear that not only have the many
thousands of volunteers and Games Makers done a brilliant job, but that their
volunteering experience has greatly enriched their own lives.

Volunteering is good for us! And particularly so when we feel
rejected and redundant.

So, why not Google ‘volunteering’ and wherever you are in the
world, you will find lots of opportunities to help one of your favourite
charities in some way in your area.

N is for NO SEX WITH YOUR EX!

Often when you have been apart for several months, your ex may
suddenly decide that the grass was not greener outside the relationship after
all.

Or perhaps he or she will sense that you are getting your life
in order and may feel jealous that you are now in a position to find someone
else. Maybe he or she will just fancy a quick snog for old time's sake.

The trouble is that sex and closeness might make you feel
loved and wanted temporarily, but it's likely to bring more sorrow and
confusion afterwards – especially if your ex leaves immediately afterwards to
go home to his or her new love.

So don't do it. If your ex begs to come back and try again,
then you can make a decision at some later date about whether or not you will
give it a go. But never have sex before this point.

Therapy

Finally, for many people, losing a partner feels so painful
because it echoes feelings of unworthiness or of uncertainty about love from
their childhood.

If this is happening to you, then you are dealing with two lots
of pain and difficulty:

the end of your relationship

all that baggage from earlier times.

This is not easy. Frequently, your current unhappiness brings
back unwanted memories of when a much loved grandparent died, or when your
parents got divorced.

Being dumped may also deeply offend what you believe should
happen to you – and these thoughts may stop you recovering.

At times like this,
therapy can be a very
good thing. So if your recovery seems to be taking ages, you might want to
consider getting some sort of counselling/therapy to help you.

Being dumped is absolute hell – and there’s no getting away from
that. But I hope that this article has given you just a glimmer of hope that
one day things will improve – because, trust me, they will.

Helpful resources

There is an excellent support group called
So You've Been Dumped, which has helped countless
people. Take a look at their website. You won't feel nearly so hopeless or
alone.

My book
How to
Mend a Broken Heart has recently been updated and published by
Bloomsbury Reader as an e-book. It is a comprehensive guide to getting over
this terrifying and traumatic time in your life.

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