A child with an imaginary friend is normal
An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,
And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

My wife is so ugly…
she walked past the walrus enclosure at Sea World, and her iPhone X unlocked itself.

So I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis…
So far it’s gotten three Reichs on Facebook

What’s the best pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in.”

How you treat the wait staff on a first date:
Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they’ll treat their significant other in six months.
So now when I’m on a first date, I have sex with the waitress.

A successful businessman sat down with his new son-in-law to discuss his role in the family business. He said to him, “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family. To show you how much I care, I’ve made you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn how everything works.”

The son-in-law said, “That’s very kind of you but I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“Oh, I see,” said the father-in-law. “In that case, you can work in the office and take charge of some of the operations there.”

“That’s very kind of you but I hate office work too,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk in an office all day, every day.”

At this point the father-in-law was getting a little annoyed and said “I just made you half-owner of a huge money-making organization, but you don’t like factories and you won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”