We're not all in the same boat, some of us struggle to even get in the boat!

Monthly Archives: August 2013

And I can say that without fear of being stabbed in the eye because 95 per cent of my readers are women (who are quietly nodding their head right now).

Let me clarify myself in five ways:

1. ALWAYS THE FAVOURITE

My husband is always revered, adored and the kids BOUND out the door when he flies up the driveway nearly crashing into the garage door arrives home from work. He can do no wrong and I become chopped liver (which I secretly LOVE).

2. HOUSEWORK

I’m pretty much chief cook and bottle washer around here anyhow and so telling him not to lift a finger won’t be needed. I should say that he does unload the dishwasher. This is a job I hate so much that I’ll wash dishes by hand instead of unloading in order to re-load it (does that even make sense?) .

3. GOODIES

We always have a steady supply of chocolate and lollies in the house, so there’s no need for Father’s Day gluttony around here.

4. PASHING

I’m always trying to pash him – usually at inappropriate times – this isn’t something I only try to do on the first Sunday in September.

Yep that’s pretty much how I do it!

5. SOCKS & JOCKS

I buy these when they’re on special at the shops, why just spread the sock and jock love one day a year – you can’t get a much better wife than that surely??

Last night my netball team, the Bluebirds, played in the grand finals and we …

LOST!!!!!!!!!!

Yes hard to believe considering the shit-hot trophy I have in bed with me to show for it, but it was a super close game.

After 40 minutes of gruelling play, including a few Academy Award-winning stacks by yours truly – the score was tied!

So – much to the excitement of the crowd, all five of them, we had to play for 10 minutes more – you could have cut the tension with a blunt, rusty knife.

I could say that “it was a game of two halves” and “the better team won on the day” but that’s not the case, it was honestly a tight game, with lots of handling errors on both sides.

We were bloody legends on the court – and I’m proud to be a retired Bluebird!

Just after we lost by one point – BOO 😦 I’m smack bang in the middle of this pic, just in case you can’t recognise me!

You know – before I got on the court I wasn’t stressed about winning, but as soon as that old dude on the sideline started cheering for our opposing team – REALLY, REALLY LOUDLY – something inside of me broke.

I leaped like a muppet and ran like a headless chicken to defend those shooters because I wanted to WIN mother fuggers!

However, they say every cloud has a silver lining and ‘they’ were right – this particular silver lining came in the form of a TROPHY!!

WHOOP WHOOP – a runner-up trophy!!

The last and only ever trophy I won was at a work function where I kicked ass – wait for it – at go karting!

So to get one for netball was amazing (and not just because I paid $120 plus for fees) BUT I know that my children are going to go OFF when they see it!

I will be like a SUPER DUPER NETBALL MUM in their eyes!

And seriously, isn’t it a great feeling to see your children’s eyes light up – no matter what the reason?

Just a tiny bit proud – and sweaty – YUK

I also have to admit that I might have acted like a bit of a pork chop when I was handed my Academy Award trophy.

I’m not saying that I bowed to the crowd other players – but I might have.

Isn’t she GORGEOUS! Seriously – what a stunner!

Before I shut the hell up about winning a stupid runner-up netball trophy wrap this up I want to point out the good and bad of playing netball outdoors in winter.

PROS1. I usually get out of the dinner, bath, bed routine.
2. The girls I play with are AWESOME, most were mums, but there were two or three lovelies under 20 that were FANTASTIC, and happy to listen to my mum drivel.
3. I had 15 minutes, to and from netball, in the car ALONE and got to have MY music up loud.

CONS1. My IBOT newspaper writing deadline is Tuesday so always makes Monday a stressful day.
2. It’s bloody cold in winter and on Mondays I usually like to do FUG ALL because weekends are so full on.
3. 8.30pm games – those are just torture!

Totally loving my new BFF sick right now!

Did I mention I got a trophy 😉

What was the last trophy you won?
Have I inspired you to get your ass out and play a team sport?
Do you want my autograph?

“Nonsensical verbal diarrhea. Blathering a never-ending stream of craziness at someone who has no interest in and/or cannot understand what you’re talking about without a break in “conversation” allowing for them to politely escape.”

Strap yourselves in – it ain’t pretty…

I can’t stop thinking that the crown I just had fitted to my molar is not quite right because it’s trapping food and that can’t be great – FUG!

Do I call the dentist and go back for more pain? But if I don’t I might regret it because I paid a bloody fortune for it (just kidding husband it was a BARGAIN).

And when will I have the time to go? I have just agreed to write lots of BORING SHIT for various organisations and people because I am not in the position to be fussy when it comes to writing, because I work from home and only have two free days a week without children to try to make an average person’s income!

But that is what happens when you take maternity leave when you’re nearing the top of your game and then refuse to go back because you can’t bear the thought of not being around your baby every second of every day.

Mind you it was pretty shit they said come back full-time or not at all – bastards.

Whatever, I should be grateful that I am able to write from home, and while it’s not breaking (or making) news anymore, it pays the bills. It is also helping out small businesses who need a plug in this tough economy.

But if I did get my tooth fixed, the only day I have is Thursday but then I parent help and there are only two of us in the entire class that do it and if I pull out then our lovely teacher will miss out of valuable help and my daughter will miss not getting the coin I give her to go to the tuckshop when I parent help.

SHIT – okay so I have to go – wonder if they do late nights?

Then if I went at night I would miss out on quiet drinking time, and then wake up even crankier than I do usually at 4.30 – when the Husband’s alarm goes off.

Man I hate that, I wish I could attach a buzzer to his pecker so he’d wake up when it jolted him, because as soon as I hear that alarm I’m FUGGING AWAKE – yes at 4.30am every morning, then I get three kids streaming in from 5.30am…

OKAY so that is 10 minutes of my head dribble – isn’t my inner monologue boring??
What exciting things are going on in your brain at the moment?

For someone like me, a writer, this device would be the equivalent of me having a minion to take notes while I spoke, to interview boring people, do research on the internet and then present me with all the info.

All that would be left for me to do was press a button and VOILA an amazing article would appear.

Basically you have to do FUG ALL and you get a shit-hot baking product!

But alas I am not one of the privileged few who owns one, nor will I likely EVER be gifted one to write a review about.

So I thought I’d go retro and make cupcakes with… wait for it…. an electric beater!

Nothing like a vibrating hand to make you feel ALIVE!

The aim was to hide three large zucchinis in them, like I do with risotto and spag bol!

I LOVE ZUCCHINIS!

No need to bore you with a description of how I made them, but here is a pictorial of my baking adventure.

Then I added zucchini – just TRICKS – this was just to see if you were still awake – looks a bit, umm, crude!

Totally pureed those zucchinis!

This is more like it and I only found a few (dozen) tiny bits of egg shell in the mixture – will give the lucky cruncher a GREAT surprise, a little bit like crunching on sand!

Oh it’s the simple things in life that keep me happy!

Doesn’t it look so picturesque?

This – not so much!

Out of the bowl and into the oven baby! And not a Thermomix in sight!

YUMMO – and they were gone in less than 24 hours – NO SHIT!

A happy customer, excuse the open mouth eating food photo!

I’m starting to wonder if I have missed my calling? Am I perhaps destined to be a FOOD BLOGGER after all?
Have you got any other tips to hiding veges in food?
Nah just kidding I don’t care, I only bake once a year and I’ve done my dash for 2013!

A rather wordless IBOT – but they say a picture paints a thousands words!

WAIT – don’t got!!!

I’m GUEST BLOGGING over for Kylie @ A Study of Contradictions – LOVE LOVE her blog, the fact she can rant and swear like a pro while being super intelligent!

Share this:

Like this:

Post navigation

You should start stalking me

Do I look a little bit crazy in the above photo? Me thinks yes. But if the shoe fits right?

A little bit about Emily

I'm a mum to three, write from home and I rarely cook, craft or clean but admire those who do. I try to live by the mantra that there's no point in worrying about something that might not happen! Be warned this is not a fluffy, sweet mummy blog, rather a place where you can cringe, laugh and be shocked at my brutally honest take on my life. Contact me - GO ON - emtoxward@yahoo.com

Follow Blog via Email

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

I prefer domes but here’s some buttons of what I do, who I do it with!

If you copy what I write, or want to use some of my amazing ideas, then please credit me or I'll send my 7ft tall husband to come and sit on you.
This is a poor (wo)man's way of saying this site and all I write is protected by copyright.
Thanks :)