ABC's Bet On Your Baby to finally find use for babies

After years of their just lying around, dully developing their basic cognitive functions while failing to make compelling reality television, ABC has finally found a way to make babies interesting with its new game show, Bet On Your Baby. Each episode rounds up the families of various babies—or “babies,” given that they are already between the ages of 2 and 3-and-a-half years old, and thus should already be out there earning—then has them place wagers on them as they face off against other people’s babies in gladiatorial contests to the death, the era of apocalyptic Darwinism beginning now. Or rather, because ABC is too craven to begin so brazenly thinning the herd just yet, they’ll actually be playing a much gentler, self-contained game against themselves, in which each family member tries to “correctly predict their offspring’s next move.” We’d bet it all on “not crushing that other baby when it had the chance.”