How Fast Can You Expect To See A Result With The Method I Am About To Teach You

I am going to get a little “business like” for a moment here.

One of the interesting things I have learned about the visitors of this website is that there is typically a 90 day window in which they are interested in getting their exes back. After that 90 day window they aren’t that interested anymore.

Now, you may be sitting back and wondering,

How the heck did he figure this out?

Simple, this website ultimately started out as a place where I wanted to help people. However, in order to do that the best that I could I had to start hiring people.

I had to hire a designer…

A customer service rep…

Someone to help me answer comments…

A writer to produce more content for you…

All of this stuff costs money.

Hence, my passion project turned into a nice little business which I monetize with this book.

Now, every business wants to find the best way to maximize profits and I am no different.

Luckily for you, I have found the best way to maximize profits is to product killer content that helps you.

Of course, in my research I also noticed that hardly anyone ever buys after 90 days.

Hence, I came to the realization that after about 90 days people lose interest in their ex for one of two reasons,

They failed to get their ex back

They actually got their ex back

So, what does this knowledge teach us about situations in general.

Three months seems to be the cutoff point for how long it should take to get an ex boyfriend back.

I am sure there will always be outliers that will skew the data but for the most part this is the average we are going to use going forward.

Now, you came here because you want to get your ex boyfriend back as fast as humanly possible.

And I have already established that this isn’t something you can rush if you want to see positive result.

But let’s look at this in another way.

If you were to take the overall strategy that I teach women,

What would you do to tweak it in a way so that you speed it up significantly while at the same time retaining it’s effectiveness.

(Oh, and if you have no clue on what the graphic above means don’t worry, I will explain it all to you later.)

Hmm… that is one hell of a question.

Well, I think the smart thing to do before we start tweaking things is give each one of the components in the picture above a certain time allowance.

Basically, taking each component and explaining how long it will take to complete.

Let’s do that now,

For the sake of this article lets assume that you max out all the days that I have listed above.

If you do that then using the method I normally teach it should take you around 87 days to get your ex boyfriend back.

(Keep in mind that these are estimates and that everyone has a unique situation that may take them shorter or in some cases longer.)

Now, here is the good news.

We can definitely significantly shorten this method up.

In fact, the more I eyeball this the more I think that technically you can get your ex boyfriend back in 38 days without losing too much of the effectiveness of the method that I teach.

And that’s what I plan to show you to do by utilizing this schedule,

Again, if you are confused by this don’t worry, I will be going in detail for you later on.

Now, before we get started there is one thing that I want to discuss with you.

Disclaimer- Faster Isn’t Always Better

Essentially what I am trying to do with this article is merge two opposing ideals.

Generally speaking trying to get an ex back quickly doesn’t yield the best results. In fact, you will find that every strategy you try will be a little less effective the more that it’s rushed.

And yet here you are.

I mean, “how to get your ex boyfriend back fast” is one of the most popular searches in Google.

Which means that I have to find a way to merge these two opposing ideals for you.

Ideal One: Getting An Ex Back Fast

Ideal Two: A Strategy That Is Effective

And I think I have done it.

Seriously, I am not one to bullshi* you.

And I am about to prove that fact as I tell you this next statement.

The strategy that I am about to present to you is not the most effective strategy for getting your ex boyfriend back.

In fact, I would say that sometimes having a bit of patience and seeing things through the right way (aka the slow way) will yield better results.

I felt it would be wrong of me to explain this fast strategy to you without first explaining that.

That epic read has pretty much everything you want out of a “get your ex back” book.

Ok, now that we have that out of the way let’s begin with the “fast strategy.”

Fast Strategy Part One: The No Contact Rule

For those of you who aren’t paying attention that is this part of the strategy,

Now, you may notice that the no contact rule has a timeframe of 21 days.

Some of you may see that and be shaking your heads.

After all, the name of the game here is to get your ex boyfriend back fast, right?

Ya, about that…

Out of this entire “fast strategy” the no contact rule is the one component that is non negotiable.

In our independent research using women just like you we have found that the no contact rule has been present in over 70% of successes. Ironically, the most non negotiable component of the strategy also takes the longest. But it’s important to remember that this is by design.

Now, some of you may be sitting back and wondering,

“What is the Gatsby Method and The Holy Trinity there on the no contact rule graphic above?”

Well, those are very important concepts that you are going to utilize while you are in the midst of a no contact period.

Unfortunately, I am going to keep those a secret from you.

I have to keep something for my paying customers 😉 .

But don’t worry I’m not going to leave you crying in the rain on my doorstep,

Allow me give you a quick overview of what the no contact rule is.

The No Contact Rule- A period of time (21 days) where you are going to ignore your ex. If he reaches out to you then you ignore it. If you feel an urge to reach out to him then you don’t do it. This is radio silence and you better abide by it. Of course, there are certain conditions where you can alter the no contact rule (read about them here) but those are pretty rare in most cases.

Now, the no contact rule is one of those rules that I always get push back on so I am going to give you a brief synopsis of why it works.

Generally most experts out there will tell you that the no contact rule will increase the chances of your ex boyfriend missing you. However, what they won’t tell you is that they don’t understand WHY it increases your chances of making an ex miss you.

The no contact rule utilizes something called psychological reactance which basically states that when a human being has a fundamental freedom that they fell is being threatened they will react in a way to attempt to get that freedom back.

In other words, by removing the freedom that your ex has of talking to you, your ex is more likely to react in a way to get that freedom back.

But believe it or not I have found that this isn’t the most effective part of the no contact rule.

One thing you have to understand about breakups is that your body is literally going through similar withdrawal symptoms that a hardcore drug addict would go through.

Oftentimes trying to get an ex back when you aren’t at your best is not the smartest way to approach things.

And this is why I say the no contact rule time frame is non negotiable.

I need you to be the best version of yourself if you are going to have any type of chance of getting your ex boyfriend back and in order for you to accomplish that you need time.

Second, I need you to feel more confident with yourself.

If you read PRO, you will notice that I am very big on self improvement during the no contact rule.

Why?

It’s simple, I want you to be very confident by the time you are ready to talk to your ex boyfriend.

The Short Version Of What You Need To Do In This Step

I want you to do the no contact rule for 21 days.

I want you to really work on doing things to improve your life during this no contact period.

Fast Strategy Part Two: Texting

You will notice that the texting portion of the strategy is where things start getting sped up pretty significantly.

Usually the texting portion of the strategy will last 14 days.

However, since we are trying to get a positive result as soon as possible we are going to recommend that you only engage in the texting strategy for 7 days,

So, how is this going to work.

Well, I am really big on this idea of “tide theory.”

Tide Theory: Slowly but surely increasing the frequency and intensity of the text messages you send to your ex boyfriend.

But how should you properly implement this in just seven days?

Great question.

Now, before I map this all out for you I want to reiterate that I generally have a much less aggressive schedule for getting an ex boyfriend back. However, since the name of the game here is speed I have gone as aggressive as possible with this.

What I’d like to do for you is take you through each texting day and give a brief explanation of what you are trying to accomplish.

Now, one thing I do want to say here is that I am not going to get overly technical with this.

I have created numerous texting guides and have even written an entire book. Instead, I am going to give you the big picture game plan.

In other words, it’s your job to fill in the blanks.

Day One: First Contact & Engaging In A Small Conversation

The important thing to remember here is that you just ignored your ex boyfriend for 21 days. It might be a little weird if you just texted him out of the blue with something like this,

Which is why I recommend sending a special type of text message immedately after the no contact rule.

“How do I handle the first interaction with my ex boyfriend after the no contact rule?”

And I walked her through this exact process. In fact, rather than reading it here it might be easier to watch the whole session to get an idea of how to construct a perfect first contact text message,

In fact, after our session had concluded she actually put her newly formed first contact text message into practice and got a pretty awesome result,

But what do you do after you send the first contact text message?

Well, generally I say to leave it at that.

In other words, end the conversation immediately. Of course, we are in a unique situation where we have to be a bit more aggressive.

So, in this case I want you to engage your ex in a conversation. Don’t go overboard with it. The idea is to just get him used to talking to you.

That’s it.

This isn’t meant to be an all day/all night conversation where you are trying to accomplish everything overnight.

Day 2: Build Rapport & Dive A Bit Deeper In Your Conversation

Rapport is something that you are going to hear me talk about a lot.

Rapport is defined as a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well.

Without rapport no attraction can be built.

You see, a lot of people think attraction just falls out of the sky magically but if you really stop to think about it you aren’t going to be truly attracted to someone who you have no rapport with.

I’ll give you an example.

One of the worst dates that I have ever been on in my life was with a girl who I couldn’t seem to establish any rapport with.

I literally remember trying everything to get her to respond to what I was saying but there was simply no luck.

I would tell a joke and she wouldn’t laugh…

I would tell a story and she wouldn’t seem engaged…

No matter how hard I tried we just weren’t able to connect.

No rapport was built therefore no attraction was built.

I want you to think of rapport as a foundation for building attraction.

Hmm… Perhaps I should get visual with this,

Once rapport has been successfully built with your ex you can use that rapport to build attraction. And we all know that once enough attraction has been built your ex boyfriend will take actions to make things official with you again.

At least that’s what we hope happens 😉 .

But it all starts with rapport.

So, how do you build rapport?

Well, I dive into this a lot more with my Texting Bible book but here is the gist of what I want you to do, find your exes hot points and go to town on them.

I’ll use myself as an example here.

I am a huge fan of Buffy The Vampire Slayer,

Every other year (usually around October for some strange reason) I re-watch every episode from start to finish in all it’s glory.

I know…

I know…

It’s kinda girly for a macho man like me but it’s a tradition that I hold strong to.

And it just so happens that this is the year that I am doing my great Buffy marathon.

(Yesterday I just hit season 3!)

Now, here is the thing.

No matter how hard I try to get my wife to watch it with me she won’t. She has preconceived notions about the show (which I will admit I used to have UNTIL I WATCHED IT.)

Anyways, let’s live in fantasy land for a while and say that my wife wanted to find a great way to build rapport with me.

Well, Buffy is one of those hot points that I will automatically open up to.

Plus there is that shock factor that she put in the time to actually watch Buffy if she were to send me a text message like this,

Human beings are wired to search for connections and since Buffy is one of my favorite shows this is something I could absolutely connect to.

In fact, I wish she would send me a text like that.

I feel like we would have an amazing conversation just based off of that.

Establish that connection, building rapport off of it… that’s what we are looking to do here.

Now, once you do start building rapport with your ex boyfriend I want you to keep the conversation going a little bit longer than you did when compared to day one of this process.

I hope you see what we are doing here.

Essentially every day we are getting deeper and deeper into texting conversation with your ex boyfriend.

Day 3: Break

“Break” simply means that you aren’t going to be texting your ex boyfriend on this day.

This is only for one day and it’s meant to break things up so he won’t catch on to the pattern of texting that we have established.

Of course, let’s play devils advocate here and pretend that you decide to do your break on day three but he texts you with something like this,

Are you supposed to ignore it?

Absolutely not…

This isn’t the no contact rule.

Really the only reason I put day three as the “break” is if YOU are the on reaching out. If he reaches out then that’s great progress and you shouldn’t do anything to interrupt that progress.

Day 4: Build Rapport And Conversation Lasts Even Longer

This is simply a re-hash of day two.

Of course, the only main difference here is that you are going to try to extend the conversation even longer than you did on day two.

Again, this plays into this idea of slowly but surely increasing the intensity and frequency of the conversations.

Now, there isn’t too much “new stuff” I can add to make this day stand out.

Instead, the “new stuff” is going to come with day 5.

Day 5: Begin Subtle Flirting

Flirting through text messages is a little difficult as you don’t have some of the most powerful weapons at your disposal.

What do you think I mean by that?

Well, science has proven that one of the most effective ways to flirt is by not saying anything at all.

It’s by having the correct posture, making the right type of eye contact, working in gentle touches and so on and so forth. Of course, we are at the texting stage here so we can’t exactly do these kinds of things.

You do have something that will make his mind do most of the work.

Here’s what I mean by that.

One thing I know about men (because it’s true for me) is the fact that I am very visual.

Words are powerful, yes, but pictures are even more powerful to me.

I mean, I could attempt to explain the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen with in my life with words but do you think that will ever be as effective as showing this picture,

Well do you?

Of course not!

(FYI, that is a real picture I took above in Maui, Hawaii and is the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen.)

The same principle applies over text messages.

I can sit here and tell you to,

“Send this exact text or say this exact thing.”

But it usually won’t evoke the kind of emotional impact that you are looking for when compared to sending a picture.

Of course, you know what is even better than a picture?

A video!

So, try this tactic on for size.

There was a study done in the 70’s where scientists found that when someone does a favor for you it makes them more likely to do a favor for you again.

This is interesting because common sense says says that if someone does you a favor then you are more likely to do them a favor in the future.

The opposite is true of course and we are going to use this to our advantage in a flirty way 😉 .

So, here is what I want you to do.

With your phone, I want you to record a quick 30 second video of yourself looking as sexy as you possibly can asking for a really simple favor from your ex boyfriend.

Here are a few great examples of favors I would recommend,

My internet is not working. Can you tell me what time (X) comes on?

Jennifer and I are having an argument over (X) can you settle it for us?

Can you tell me I am not crazy for loving (X)

We are doing this favor technique for a few reasons.

Firstly, if your ex boyfriend does the favor for you it will raise the chances that he will do another favor for you again.

Secondly, we are priming him to talk on the phone with you.

Even though you are sending him a video he will be hearing your voice and that is a good thing as you will find out in a few days.

Day 6: Slowly Ramp Up Flirting

Essentially you are going to do more of what you did on day five during day six. However, the big difference here is that you are going to do more of it.

Don’t go overboard but maybe you can make a few videos of yourself and send them your exes way.

Remember, men are visual.

Day 7: The Transition Text Message

Day 7 is all about “the transition text message.”

Now, if you are about ready to jump off a cliff in confusion let me stop you.

When I refer to “transition text message” all I am talking about is the text message that you send to your ex to get him to talk to you on the phone.

What if I told you that I had found a very clever way in which you can transition from text messages to phone calls.

Would that be something you would be interested in?

Of course it would.

So, here is what you are going to do.

And in case you caught a sudden case of the “can’t reads.”

The template above needs to be strictly followed if you want to pull off a successful transition.

Step One: Start Texting Your Ex A Story

Step Two: Interrupt The Story

Step Three: Ask For Transition

Here is how that is supposed to look.

Let’s say that you started a story by texting your ex something like this,

To which your ex responds,

It’s at this point that I want you to interrupt the story and ask for a transition. That looks like this,

Do you see how it works?

Now, the only downside of this method is that you need to have one hell of a story to tell your ex when you get on the phone with him.

Fast Strategy Part Three: Talking On The Phone

This is where I think your biggest disadvantage is for rushing the process.

Why?

Well, you only have three days left to convince your ex boyfriend to see you in person. Of course, we aren’t going to ask him to see you in person just yet. However, everyone knows attraction has to be built before you go on the date with your ex for this to even work.

Three days isn’t a lot of time.

Luckily, you have my brain working overtime for you here.

Here is the template I want you to follow for these three days,

Why do you think I am putting such an emphasis on time?

Well, if you are an avid reader of my website then you would know that I am a big believer in something called the interdependence theory. Essentially this theory explains why human beings commit to one another based on three main factors.

Satisfaction (Meaning they will commit if the person satisfies them)

Alternatives (Meaning they think they think that you are the best and there is no one out there better.)

Investment (Meaning they have dedicated a lot of resources to the relationship, time, money, etc.)

Which of these three components do you think we are attacking with phone calls?

Well, with text messaging we were attacking satisfaction and alternatives by building rapport and attraction.

Phone calls is all about investment.

Right now the more time that you can get your ex to invest with you the better.

That’s why each day aims to make him stay on the phone longer.

Of course, if you really have things firing on all cylinders you will also satisfy the other components. However, investment of time over the phone is the number one predictor on getting a yes on the date but more on that in a second.

Let’s take this day by day.

Day 7: Transition Call 25 to 35 Minutes

We are picking up right where we left off.

Remember the transition text into the phone call?

Well, I want that phone call to last anywhere from 25 to 35 minutes.

Why so short?

Well, in addition to being a big believer of the interdependence theory I am also a big believer in the zeigarnik effect.

In other words, the more you can hook your ex boyfriend into a phone conversation with you and then abruptly end it the more he will crave to talk to you again.

It’s the same thing as creating an open loop or an unanswered question.

Except we are doing it on a much smaller scale.

So, just to give you a visual this is what you are looking to do,

Again, you are abruptly ending the conversation between the 25 minute and 35 minute mark.

Day 8: Phone Call That Lasts An Hour

The name of the game is to get your ex boyfriend to invest as much time as possible with you over the phone.

If you can get him to do that then you are in a really good spot for getting him to commit to you.

Of course, just because this section is entitled “phone calls” doesn’t mean that we are going to throw texting out the window completely. I still want you to build rapport and attraction.

After all, the more your ex texts you the more time he is investing in you and that is a good thing.

But in addition to all of the texting I want you to hop on the phone with him again.

Except instead of hopping on the phone for 25 to 35 minutes with your ex boyfriend I want you to make the phone call last an hour.

Now, if you are sitting there wondering why there is such a big time difference here I would like to remind you that with my normal strategy I would like to have a few more conversations on the phone around 25 to 35 minutes to really hit that zeigarnik effect home.

Of course, we are strapped for time since we are looking at the fastest method possible.

So, stay on the phone for an hour with your ex.

Day 9: Phone Call That Lasts An Hour And A Half

In addition to getting him to invest more time with you (30 more minutes as compared to yesterday) you are going to have another goal in mind here.

Dating.

Generally speaking, you can’t get your ex boyfriend back if you don’t see him in person. Of course, we have the typical gender roles to contend with here.

It’s easy for men.

Men just have to ask a woman out.

But it’s unheard of for a woman to ask a man out?

Actually… that’s not entirely true.

Women drop hints.

Hints that they hope a man will pick up on his own.

And usually that is enough to get him to ask you out. Unfortunately, one of the disadvantages of speeding this process up is the fact that you don’t have time to wait around for him to pick up the hints.

That’s why I am going to recommend something unheard of.

I want YOU to suggest a date.

I know…

I know…

You are going to have to take a moment to let that sink in.

….

So, while you are taking a moment I would like to tell you a story.

Many of you may not know this but before Jennifer and I got married we were in a long distance relationship. Of course, before that we were just two strangers talking over Facebook and then eventually over the phone.

Of course, when we both took a liking to each other which of us do you think asked to see the other first?

She did actually.

Now, your woman logic makes you think that, that is too strong of a move. However, I found it to be incredibly hot. I liked that I found a woman who wanted to take charge.

It also took the pressure off of me.

Now, I am not saying that you ask your ex out on a date. I am simply saying that you suggest a date to him.

Of course, in order to know what date to suggest we have to jump a little ahead and talk about the dating section.

Generally I am a big fan of women going on three dates with their ex before a commitment is made in a relationship,

A Small Date

A Medium Date

A Romantic Date

Of course, we aren’t in the business of being politically correct here since we are trying to speed this process up which is why I am only going to recommend that you go on two dates with your ex,

The Small One

The Romantic One

In other words, all you have to worry about right now is suggesting the small date.

I am going to suggest a cup of coffee.

So, at some point during your one and a half hour conversation with your ex I want you to suggest getting a cup of coffee and plan a date if he accepts.

Once you have done that we can get to the fun stuff.

Fast Strategy Part Four: The Two Dates

I am going to switch gears a little bit here.

I have already discussed the idea behind going on two dates instead of three.

But how do you act on these dates?

If the idea is finding a way to make your ex boyfriend fall in love with you how do you do that?

Great question!

Luckily, I have an answer for you,

Utilize scientific insights to get him to fall for you again.

Believe it or not but when scientists studied what makes human beings fall in love they found some really interesting discoveries,

Similarity Is Important

Reciprocal Affection

Physical And Emotional Arousal

Readiness For A Romantic Relationship

Let’s take a deeper look at these discoveries.

Similarity Is Important

Opposites attract, right?

WRONG!

Research suggests the opposite. And it makes sense. I can’t tell you how often I have muttered the phrase,

“Human beings are wired for connections.”

And part of connecting with someone is finding out the areas where you are similar.

I am much more likely to open up to someone who is a fan of Buffy The Vampire Slayer because I have a huge connection to that show.

So, how does this apply to your dates with your ex?

Well, I want you to emphasize your similarities.

If you both love golf then talk a bit about golf.

If you both love politics then talk about that.

Similarities rule!

Reciprocal Affection

This one is easy to understand.

Someone is more likely to fall in love with you if they feel loved back.

Part of the problem that my clients have is that the no contact rule (assuming they did it correctly) has taught them to not show affection. However, the opposite is true on the date.

You need to show affection towards your ex.

Look, don’t go overboard just give him signs that you are interested.

Touching is great for this.

A slight touch of the hand…

Making a hug last a bit longer than normal…

All of these are excellent examples.

Physical And Emotional Arousal

This is really interesting.

And arguably the most important concept to hit on.

Any type of situation that affects us emotionally is more likely to make us fall in love.

Weird, right?

Take this famous study done by Dan Ariely,

“We did this one funny study on music,” Ariely says. The study compared how attractive audience members rated musicians before they started playing compared with at intermission.

“And what we found was that everybody got a big boost, aside from the drummer.” (Drummers did get some boost in their attractiveness ratings, but not as much as the rest of the band members.)

Why does this happen? Ariely thinks it might have something to do with “misattribution of emotions”: “Sometimes we have an emotion and we don’t know where it’s coming from, so we kind of stick it on something that seems sensible.” In other words, your strong feelings about the music might make you think you’re having strong feelings about the lead singer.

In other words, if you put your ex in a situation where he feels something positive he could stick that emotion on to you.

This concept can actually apply to something as simple as television shows.

If you couldn’t already tell I am a huge Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan.

No, fan doesn’t quite explain it. I am what you would call a super fan!

If you didn’t already know Buffy has 7 seasons.

Now, each and every season has it’s moments.

However, after watching every episode multiple times (believe me I have done it.)

It’s clear that some seasons are better than others.

Of course, do you want to know which seasons rank the highest in my humble opinion?

It’s always those seasons where something happens that affects me on a deep emotional level. Without a doubt the seasons where that happens multiple times are the best.

(Hint Hint: Season one is not one of those types of seasons.)

Anyways, the point I am trying to make here is that if you can arouse your ex in a positive physical or emotional way then you are going to be in a good spot.

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

What Do You Think? (201)

Annyce

I’ll give you some background first. Me and my ex boyfriend met at a debate conference (which happens monthly) last November and he was the one who started things. He was a total gentleman and sweetheart and waited outside my council room, bought me lunch, held my hand when we crossed the road, carried my bags, pushed me out of the way of a car that nearly ran me over, took photobooth pictures with me, kept his arm around me throughout the entire 3 day conference. He looks at me with this spark in his eyes and everytime he smiles at me he sends these chills throughout my body, and his touch gives me little fireworks on my skin. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s the best feeling on this earth, and when he hugs me it’s like I’ll forever be safe and protected and warm in his arms. He got admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago for tuberculosis-turned-influenza b, and when I found out I was so scared I was going to lose him I felt like I had a cardiac arrest. I visited him with his best friend, and it was a little awkward because he was third wheeling. It was even cheesy because the nurse came in to check up on his heart rate and all, and he was doing the thing where he stared at me with that look in his eyes and smiling at me and (I’m not even lying. I don’t know how this happened.) his heart rate was beating faster than usual and he joked that it was because I was there.

It was all great until he (boyfriend of 3 months) broke up with me two weeks ago (2/2/17 to be exact)- the surface reason we broke up was because his mom is forcing him into an arranged marriage and she’s found a fiancée for him (his third cousin who is of royal descent or something) and he says his mom wants him to date his fiancee and treat her like she’s the only girl in the world and he doesn’t want me to see that because it’ll break my heart. He says he can’t go against this arranged marriage thing or else he’ll get disowned, and he can’t talk to his mom about it and his dad is out of the picture (his parents are divorced and his dad recently came back with another wife and daughter).

I found out about this whole arranged marriage thing from a guy friend of mine who confronted my ex boyfriend about setting me aside the past few weeks. It’s true, because my ex boyfriend is always busy in school and with all these clubs and cricket games and meetings and tuition classes, so we always talk by texting each other everyday, and we only see each other once every month because we go to this monthly debate conference thing. I overreacted a few days before he broke up with me, because I texted him and he didn’t reply but I saw on his instagram that he had gone out to play golf. I ranted to my guy friend while I was drunk and angry and didn’t even realise how angry I was. The next day I found out my guy friend had screenshotted my entire angry rant (where I called my ex boyfriend all sorts of names like a prick, asshole, etc) and sent it to my ex boyfriend and my ex boyfriend sent me paragraphs on text, apologising for setting me aside and telling me he honestly had no excuse and that he values the time we spend communicating with each other and that he values everything I am, and he went out to play golf because his dad brought him there and he rarely gets to see him and needs to impress him. He apologised and I read it but didn’t reply for a few days, thinking I’d let him feel guilty dor a little longer because it wasn’t the first time he did this. Then three days after I didn’t reply, he sends me the message ‘Annyce, if you hate me so much till this point why don’t we break up? I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already am and I hate seeing you feel this way. We can still be friends right?’ so I panicked and replied straight away and told him I didn’t hate him etc and told him about my family problems and my abusive dad and that things were going rough the past few days at home which is why I’ve been distancing myself from him (which is the truth). He said that he would always listen to what I had to say and he would never judge me or look at me differently just because I had an abusive father. I told him I knew about his arranged marriage thing and at that point things start to go downhill. He tells me all about his mom and the fact that he has to date his fiancee but he doesn’t know when he has to start, so I tell him that we should enjoy every last moment we have together and use it as a chance to create the best memories to remember us by. He ends it there, saying we shouldn’t continue it because it would only hurt the both of us more, that continuing it would only make each other feel worse. He said that being in love as a distraction to our problems is hurtful and it’s best for the both of us if we end it now. He said that he would always care for me till the day he doesn’t remember, and ‘farewell darling, I love you.’ He said he hopes I find a man who will love me wholeheartedly, and he’s sorry he couldn’t be that guy, and he’s sorry for dragging me into this.

I cried my eyes out that night and I didn’t sleep for four nights straight and I didn’t eat without throwing up. I love him so much and I didn’t understand why we couldn’t just continue this until he has to date his fiancee, because not all couples have a chance to spend their last times together like we have. I guess he thought I wanted forever with him because he said that ‘with this arranged marriage, our breakup is inevitable’ but the thing is I knew we’d have to break up eventually from the start, because I have to go to the UK next September for A levels and I know long distance is a hard thing to work out, and I didn’t want to force him to try it. But I didn’t tell him that.

I also found out a few days after we broke up from his best friend that my guy friend (who messaged my ex boyfriend the screenshots) made him feel like he was hurting me by not giving me enough attention, and that I hate him. The best friend also told me that the second biggest reason for our breakup was my guy friend as he also made my ex boyfriend jealous because while he was telling him about my overreacting he would be thinking ‘why is this guy telling me things about my girlfriend?’ and he thought my guy friend liked me, so a few days before he broke up with me he got super jealous and went on all his whatsapp chat groups and told his friends they were going to need to hunt my guy friend down and send him to the critical stage of the hospital because he likes me.

This all happened only three days before the breakup so it doesn’t make sense to me- why would he get so jealous and react like that, why would he send me a video of himself shirtless and doing homework, why would he tell me he loves me and call me darling and all and just end things so suddenly like that? It didn’t make sense.

I checked up on his instagram once, two days after we broke up and he was laughing and smiling with his friends and it seemed like everything is okay. I was hurt, and I told his best friend but he said I shouldn’t judge how he’s feeling from his instagram, because he isn’t the type of guy to show his feelings to the world (he used to be in military school for a long time, so I can guess he’s been trained with the whole ‘manly men shouldn’t be hurt and shouldn’t show their true feelings and should always be tough’ thing.) and he’s as hurt as I am about breaking up. His best friend said the two biggest reasons why he ended things was because 1)of my guy friend and because 2) he thinks I hate him and that he’s hurting me by being with me.

There are so many misunderstandings and I want to clear things up, and I’m wondering what would’ve happened if all these misunderstandings hadn’t happened. I’m thinking about writing him a letter and passing it to his best friend this weekend to pass to him. In the letter I plan to clear up things and tell him I don’t hate him, that he wasn’t hurting me and that he’s wrong about the breakup because ending things with me now isn’t lessening any pain, and that since we both have a time limit why don’t we just enjoy the time we have with each other instead of alone? And because we love each other so much and because we planned to do all sorts of stuff together but never got to do it- why should we throw away all of that and everything special we shared into the drain that easily? I want to apologised for my behaviour and for being selfish and thinking of my feelings instead of his, and I want us to get back together and enjoy our last moments together. And I want to tell him, what are the odds that him and I from different schools, amongst so many people in this country and billions of people on this earth fell in love with each other and nobody else? That it’s so rare to find something special like we have, and to throw it away like that without trying or enjoying it fully is such a waste. I want to tell him that there isn’t a relationship that doesn’t hurt when it ends, and that he can’t assume how I wouldn’t be hurt if he left me now- because I knew when I fell for him, when I chose to be with him, that all this pain would be inevitable. I knew we’d have to break up before I left for UK, and I signed up for all this hurt and pain nonetheless because I decided that every second spent with him is worth it. I want to apologise for my guy friend getting involved and accusing him of all those things and making him think I hate him. I want to ask him to let us enjoy our last moments together while we can, because other couples have it worse- one side cheats or one side doesn’t love the other, and we’re so lucky we have the chance to spend our last times togetherness and suggest that if he has to date his fiancee now he can ask his mom to delay dating his fiancee till he’s done with his studies so he can focus better.

I want to do all of that but that would mean breaking the no contact rule (I’ve been on no contact for 2 weeks now) and I don’t know if it’s the best way to get him back. I’ll be seeing him next month for a debate conference. I would talk to him then but I’m scared it’ll be too late. I also messaged his sister who’s currently in the UK studying Medicine about his arranged marriage and told her how he feels about it (that he doesn’t want it, disagrees with it but can’t say anything bc he’ll get disowned) and hoped she could talk to her mom about it. She said she didn’t know about this arranged marriage and that he could either be pulling a huge joke or that her family hasn’t been telling her anything. (which I think is more likely, since she’s been away in the UK) and although I apologised for getting involved in their family business she called me a busybody (I don'( blame her) and said that she’s offended that ‘I could even fathom the idea that she isn’t doing anything about this’ so I don’t know what’s happening now. Please help me, I really want to get him back, I love him so much. I’ve thought about it and I know I love him and I miss HIM, not just the relationship.

Before me, he used to be a player kind of guy and had a different girl every week. He told me he dated two of them at the same time, and they were rebounds from his first serious ex girlfriend. With me, well, things were different, and it’s one of the reasons why I fell for him- it was a side that nobody saw. Everyone, including his best friend, warned me and told me he was a player and he wouldn’t stick around but he proved them wrong and he stuck with me,until this arranged marriage fiasco. Even his best friend admits he never expected him to love me as much as he does now.

I don’t know what his sister is doing now, but I know he doesn’t have to start dating his fiancee yet so we still have time, and I really want us to spend our last times together to the fullest because I know both of us were happy and built amazing rapport with each other. But I also know what went wrong in our relationship- we never made enough time for each other, we kept things from each other (he didn’t tell me about his arranged marriage thing, I didn’t tell him about my family problems), and I was selfish. I cared about my feelings and was so scared of hurting myself that I withdrew and held back from giving him the emotional support he needed. I knew how fragile he is internally but I put my needs before his. I didn’t think of how I was making him feel by distancing myself and holding back my affection because I was scared of giving too much and receiving too little. I know that there were a lot of mistakes in our relationship and I know it’s not entirely his fault, because it takes two to make a relationship. And I want the chance to make things right again, to enjoy fully this special connection we have together. I love him so much, and I know he loves me too. I just don’t know what to do now.

He hasn’t contacted me and I haven’t contacted him for two weeks. According to his best friend, he’s been really busy with cricket tournaments and his school duties and conference organising meetings these past few days (he’s the head of prefects, head of discipline and secretary general of his school’s debate conference).

What should I do? And what can I do to get him back quickly so we have more time together? Will we get back together if I can clear up the misunderstandings and talk things out about our relationship?

Thank you for reading all of this and for your time, I really hope and pray you reply asap!

EBR Team Member: Amor

Annyce

Hi Amor! Thanks for the reply, and yes, I want to date him only until he has to start dating his fiancee. In other words, I want to spend whatever time we have left together because I know there’s only a 1% chance of changing the whole arranged marriage situation (and I’m leaving in 18 months to the UK for A Levels but he doesn’t know), and I want us to make the best use of our time left together to create more happy memories to remember us by when we have to end it. We ended things on a sour note and with a lot of misunderstandings in the air- he (still) thinks I hate him, he still thinks he’s hurting me by being with me and thinks he didn’t love me enough/wasn’t enough for me, he thinks my guy friend has a thing for me, etc.

It’s been 18 days of NC, and I’ve had time to think about things and I know despite whatever pain that will come when we have to end it, I still want this. I realise that I did a lot of things wrong in the relationship that pushed him away- I took him for granted and didn’t show him how much I appreciate him, I didn’t tell him enough times how happy he made me, I was cold a lot of the time because I was selfish and thought more about protecting my feelings by doing all of that and I never thought about how me acting that way was hurting him and distancing him. I behaved childishly when he went out golfing with his dad (whom he rarely sees) and didn’t text me, I overreacted, got drunk and ranted to my guy friend. I called him a prick, an asshole, everything and my guy friend screenshotted it and sent it to him. He apologised profusely in paragraphs but I didn’t reply. I made him feel unloved, unappreciated, shut him out and so much so he even believes I hate him because I acted that way. I didn’t want to swallow my pride and my ego, and I didn’t express my feelings to him and held back everything because I was scared of giving too much and receiving too little. Sure, he was wrong as well because he was busy a lot of the time (he’s the star student who does everything well at his school) but I played a part in the breakup as well. I want the chance to show him everything and right the wrongs I made, because he makes me the happiest version of myself, and makes me feel the most alive.

The thing is, he’s not the type of guy to talk about his feelings and relationships to anyone, not even his guy best friend. He’s a private person when it comes to serious relationships. He has a great poker face, and I think he’s been (in a way) trained to hide his feelings and act tough because of all his time in military school. I know he’s a really stubborn guy and although he can be insecure he also has a huge pride, and he hasn’t contacted me. He told me that this is the first time he’s fallen so hard since his first serious ex (after she dumped him he had 5 rebounds, a different girl every week I believe) and he told his guy friends that he’s falling head over heels in love with me. In the beginning I had doubts, but he said with all his rebounds he told them they were rebounds, and he told me I wasn’t one, that I was his serious girlfriend, and he stuck with me for 3 months and it’s crazy because just 5 days before he broke up with me he got crazy jealous because he thinks my guy friend likes me- he went on all his whatsapp groups and gathered all his friends and threatened to send my guy friend into the hospital if he’s serious on even breathing on me. (his best friend sent me screenshots) One day later my drunk angry screenshots were sent to him by my guy friend and he sent me the apology for setting me aside. I ignored him and his next text was ‘Annyce, are you there?’ and I ignored him again, and he then said ‘Annyce, if you hate me so much till this point why don’t we just break up? I don’t want to hurt you as much as I already am and I hate seeing you feeling this way. Honestly, it’s hurting me too and I know I’m being a prick and an asshole and I don’t blame you for calling me one. ‘

After that I jumped in and I told him I didn’t hate him (which I think he doesn’t believe, because I’ve been going to my guy friend about our problems instead of him and I know it’s my fault for making him feel like I hate him) and told him the reason why I’ve been ignoring him is because of my family problems and abusive dad (truth). I asked him to hear me out and he said ‘Always.’ and he said ‘Love, you know I’d never judge you for anything. I definitely won’t judge you for anything you’ll do. I won’t hate you because you have an abusive dad, and I just want you to know that he’ll get what he deserves. Not by me, but by someone else. The most important thing now is how you’re feeling and are you safe now?” and then I told him I knew about the arranged marriage. That’s when things headed south and when he said that he didn’t have the heart to tell me and with this in mind, us breaking up is inevitable. I told him I knew, and I guess we should cherish whatever time we have left until he has to start dating his fiancee, and he said ‘I guess, but it’s only going to hurt me and you more. Being in love as a distraction to our problems is hurtful, and love, for the two of us, let’s end it. We’re only going to make each other feel worse if we continue. I won’t make any promises I can’t keep. I’ll always care for you (till the day I don’t remember) and if we see each other again we’ll still be friends. Farewell, darling, I love you. I hope you’ll find the guy who can love you wholeheartedly. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that guy, I’m sorry for dragging you into this.’

I couldn’t understand the things he said at first, but after talking to his best friend I found out he thinks I hate him and he’s hurting me, all because of my guy friend (the second biggest reason why we broke up, besides the arranged marriage). He told me that the marriage is ‘a long time from now’ but he doesn’t know when his mom expects him to start dating his fiancee.

I wrote him a letter to apologise for things, and told him all my true feelings for him and everything I appreciate about him, and I wrote reasons I still want him and finally told him that I knew we weren’t forever from the start (because from the thing he said about not making promises he can’t keep, I think he believes I wanted us to be forever) and I’m leaving so the most I can promise him is 18 months. I said that if I do have the chance, I won’t hold anything back and I’ll right the wrongs I did, and that we still had misunderstandings to clear up but I thought it’ll be better to do it face-to-face in next month’s conference. I included a small part on how things were getting better in my life and that I learnt a song on the guitar to show him I was improving myself, and I passed the letter to his best friend and told him not to give it to him until I told him to, and I plan to do it this Friday (by then it would be 21 days NC).

Do you think we have a chance of getting back together? I’m scared if I give him the letter too late he’ll really believe I hate him because I didn’t beg or argue with him or reply at all when he ended things, (I was really nonchalant about it so it might seem like I agreed, I went straight NC) or it might be too late to get him back. I’m also scared that he might not be contacting me because he thinks I hate him and I don’t want to hear from him, or he wants to but his pride his stopping him from doing it. (I’ll post the letter here as well) What do you think? I really appreciate your time, thank you so much!

Annyce

My guy friend essentially accused my ex of not giving me enough time and attention and said a bunch of rubbish that isn’t true on my behalf. He made my ex believe I hate him, that he was hurting me, that he wasn’t giving me enough love, that he wasn’t enough (hence the ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t be the guy who loves you wholeheartedly’ part) and that he was incapable of loving me like I deserved to be loved. I didn’t see how much he had influenced my ex into truly believing all of that (and along with all the mistakes I made, being so distant lately, I can see why he believes him), but now I’m realising the full impact of my stupid mistakes and I truly am sorry for everything.

On Valentine’s Day, my ex posted ‘Valentine’s day? you mean leg day awwwww noooo’ (he’s a very buff guy into fitness) and I was admittedly a little hurt by it but one guy commented ‘Will you be my valentine?’ and he replied ‘not today, sorry:C’ and I’m still not sure what it means. Yesterday I met a bunch of his friends at another debate conference and one of his good friends said ‘Hey, aren’t you Aliff’s girlfriend?” before he realised what he said and he looked so apologetic and he said ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to’ and he kept apologising. I didn’t say anything, just walked away because I didn’t want to break down in front of everyone or do something I’d regret, and his best friend ran after me and said ‘Hey, you’re just gonna ignore me now? I’m sorry, I don’t know how they know. Aliff hasn’t been talking much, and I don’t think he’s told anyone. He’s been keeping himself really busy with cricket meetings and games and tuition and all.’ And I think that means he’s keeping himself busy to distract himself from the pain. I’ve also seen really unusual behavior since the breakup because he’s been posting so actively on his Instagram story, all pictures and videos of him smiling and laughing like he’s making a point to show the world he’s okay. He isn’t the type of person who normally posts so much on social media, and he only got Instagram after I persuaded him to (he isn’t fond of it in the first place, which is why him posting so much is weird). I got mad at first, thinking it meant he was treating our relationship like it didn’t matter, and I confronted his best friend about how hurt I was about him acting all okay. His best friend said I shouldn’t judge him based on what he posts, because he isn’t the type of guy to show his feelings and talk about relationships online, and that he may not seem like it but he’s as hurt and sad about it as I am.

I’ll admit I was disappointed that he didn’t text me because I’m sure his friends must’ve told him about that little encounter, but I don’t blame him because of the misunderstandings and how I acted. I can’t help but feel like it’s a game to see who will cave first, because we’ve been told so many times that we’re both equally stubborn and it’s a battle of pride here. And I think I have to be the one to cave because of the misunderstandings.

Anyways, here is the letter. I handwrote it because I wanted it to be genuine and sincere, and his best friend is keeping it now. I just need to tell him when to give it to Aliff. What do you think? And thank you so so much for your time Amor!

Dear Aliff, Honestly, I don’t know how to start this letter. Things have been getting a little better- my dad’s starting to show little bits of changing himself after that day and I had a rather…interesting Valentine’s Day. I have to admit, though, it wasn’t as interesting as that ambush with your friends. All of that aside, I guess I’ll start by saying this. I understand one of the reasons why you left. I can see where you’re coming from, that with this whole arranged marriage thing us breaking up is inevitable. I get why you say continuing this would only hurt us and make us feel worse, and besides that you have to start dating your fiancée. Nevertheless, I know that this isn’t the only reason why things ended, and I’m going to address all of that, because it takes two to make a relationship and there were cracks in our relationship that I played a part in, and it’s not just you. There’s the other reason why I believe you left. I want to apologise for this because this is completely my fault. It was a rash decision to allow Leo to get involved, and I just want to say there’s absolutely nothing happening between us. Please take whatever rubbish he said to you, whatever he made you believe and whatever screenshot he sent you and flush them all down the drain because it’s all rubbish. He doesn’t know me, and he isn’t me. He had no right to speak on my behalf, and he didn’t know what I was thinking or feeling so a lot of the things he told you are inaccurate. Everything I told him wasn’t real, and you deserve real. If he made you feel like I hate you, please know that that is a lie. I love you with all of my existence, and whatever I said about you being a prick or an asshole- I didn’t mean any of that. If anything I’m probably equally as big of a prick and an asshole as you, and we’re both terrible people, to be honest. I was drunk and tired and a mess those few days- the family problems, my ex was being a pain in the ass, dropping addmaths because I felt suffocated, having to give away my dog, my sister’s birthday and death anniversary coming up- everything was a disaster and I didn’t want to bother you because I knew how busy you were. Looking back, a lot of our misunderstandings wouldn’t have been created if I had come to you like I should’ve, instead of ranting to some guy friend and keeping things from you. I’m truly sorry for all of that, and I’m sorry I distanced myself and set you aside (you aren’t the only one guilty of doing this). I want to say I’m sorry. ‘Sorry’ is a hard word to say, though, and it’s not because I don’t want to admit I’m wrong, but it’s more because it feels insufficient. It feels like I’m trying to sweep everything under the carpet and pretend it’s okay by using an overused word- but I’m not doing that. I really am sorry. When I found out about your arranged marriage, I didn’t judge you or pity you. Leaving you then was an option but I didn’t take it. There was a reason why I chose to stay after finding out long before I told you I knew about it, despite everyone telling me that you aren’t worth it. I’ve never judged you based on whatever you said or did in the past, if I did, I wouldn’t have chosen to be with you in the first place. I’m sorry if I did anything to make you feel like I did. I’m sorry for making you believe I hate you. This is the part where I sincerely apologise because I know a lot of things are my fault. You can’t blame yourself for everything, because it takes two to make a relationship. I love you more than words can ever express, and I will never forgive myself for not showing you that. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve hurt you, I’m sorry for all the times I made you feel unimportant, unappreciated, unloved, and all the times I pushed you away. I’m sorry for being oversensitive, and I’m sorry for overreacting and behaving the way I did when all you were doing was spending time with your dad and doing something you enjoyed. I’m sorry for behaving so childishly and being petty about such stupid things. I’m sorry for being cold and having trouble showing emotions. I’m sorry there are times where I shut myself off from the world and pushed you away by doing that. I’m sorry I thought more about my feelings getting hurt than how I was hurting you by doing all of that. You make me the happiest version of myself when I’m with you, and I’m sorry for not showing you how happy you made me. I was selfish and I was guarding my feelings because I was scared of them. I set you aside because of it, and I didn’t give you everything I wanted to give you- the time and emotional support and love you deserved. I wanted to do so many other things, wanted to talk to you more but I didn’t because I was scared of messing up and hurting myself. I’m sorry for not showing how much I appreciate you, for not being understanding and for not spending enough time on you. I want you to know that I don’t care about what people say about you. I don’t care that everyone thinks you’re a manwhore, I don’t care about your looks, I don’t care about your height or your skin colour. I don’t care if you have family problems, or that you have a stepmom and stepsister. I don’t care what school you go to or what your grades are. I don’t care how much money you carry around, what you wear or if your hair is a puffball or not. I care about you, and the size of your heart. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise. It’s because of you that my world was full of smiles and it’s your love that turned my bad days into good ones. Nobody understands and will never understand why I love you. God knows why I chose you over everyone else despite how much of an assholic manwhore you seem to everyone. Nobody sees what I see in you and hell, even I don’t know what I see in you. Maybe it’s that look in your eyes when you’re talking about something you love (remember you and Jake fangirling over Warhammer 40k? that was hilarious, watching both of you get so hyped over something like that) or your crazy sense of humour (IKEAS?) or the way you smile and laugh awkwardly when someone compliments you. Maybe it’s how passionate you are about fitness or how you get so into the moment in debate. Maybe it’s because you’re different, a breath of fresh air from every other average football-crazy, horrible-dick-joke-making, as-boring-as-watching-grass-grow guy. Maybe it’s the way you essentially radiate confidence and strength and safety all at once. Maybe it’s because you don’t try hard to fit in and be like everyone else. Maybe it’s all of that, or maybe it’s because I saw the best version of myself in your eyes. I don’t know what it is, but I know I love everything about you, flaws and imperfections and all. I love you, arranged marriage or not. I love you, five rebounds or not. I love you regardless of how manwhore you seem. I love you regardless of whatever you did in the past, regardless of who your parents are or what grades you get. I love your hugs and how safe you feel and I love it when you smile so happily your eyes wrinkle at the corners. I’m sorry for not showing you how much I appreciated all of that, all of you, when I had the chance to. I appreciate everything that you are, and I didn’t show it because I was scared of looking like one of those crazy obsessed girlfriends. I’m sorry for the times when I was cold and incapable of showing emotion- believe me when I say that anything you do leaves me internally fangirling, and hell, that day at the hospital you managed to look so cute while being sick and I forgot how to function. I’m sorry I couldn’t show how worried I was, but I can tell you that the fear of losing you was eating me alive for days. Dramatic , I know. Everything you say and do matters to me, and you could literally talk about protein shakes for days and I’d still listen to every word. You could randomly tell me about your favourite childhood memory or the theory of relativity or, I don’t know, accounting homework and I’d hang on to every word you say. Heck, you can read me the entire freaking Malay dictionary and I’d still love every second of it. It’s overwhelming to admit all of this (and put aside my pride) because I didn’t walk into Taylor’s that day, expecting to see something in you. I didn’t expect to fall for you, or anyone else for that matter. I didn’t want to let anyone into my life. I thought it was just going to be a one time, one weekend casual fling thing, and I was awkward (and stressed as hell because I had no research and I was freaking Russia in an atomic council and completely unprepared) but you came long with all your wit and charm and Aliff-ness (as cringey as it sounds) and the truth is, that night at socials, when I looked at you I knew I was done for. I didn’t expect things to become so serious, and you didn’t expect it as well. There were hundreds of other people at that conference and so many other people from school, tennis, wherever. Instead of anyone else I fell for you and nothing will ever explain that. It’s crazy and yes, there were other guys before you. Yes, there will be other guys after you. But you’re the only one I’ve spent this much effort on and the only one I’ve been this reckless and open with. Trust me when I say that telling you all of this is hard for me because of my pride, but I think you should know the truth. In the beginning, everything was similar to how things are now. Everyone bombarded me with reasons not to trust you, reasons not to love you. Hafiz told me to forget you, told me you were a player with bad habits and a long list of rebounds. He told me about Melanie, what happened afterwards, your five rebounds and how you dated two of them at the same time. He told me about that outing you and your friends had, told me about you saying I was your sixth stint and second serious relationship. He told me about what you said on the first day about Roxanne and your change of mind when I arrived on the second day. He told me about your ‘one night stand successful’ comment after we took that picture together after socials night (I have to admit that one hurt like a bitch, you have no idea how mad everyone was), and told me that you wanted to hit on two other girls from your school ‘for fun’. I didn’t need him to know about your ‘habits’, I saw it when you hit on Jo Yi at MNMUN, whether she was a rebound or a joke or serious, it doesn’t matter. You had a pattern and I had Jake, Jeremy, Jo Yi and Hafiz constantly yelling at me for being stupid enough to even consider being with you. We had discussions and they said I could easily do so much better than you, that you were a low standard. I’ll be honest and tell you there were pretty harsh things said about you that I won’t repeat. Maybe they were right, maybe things would’ve been easier if I hadn’t fell for you. Maybe I’m stupid for feeling all of these things right now. I didn’t expect this to turn into something serious as well, but it did. You showed me a side of you that nobody believed existed, and you proved everyone wrong when you stayed with me and did everything you did. But if I had the choice again I wouldn’t change anything, except that I would’ve shown you everything I wanted to show you. The point is, I have every reason to forget you, every reason not to believe a single word you said. I could have Ken or Shim from Alice Smith, Han Liang from Garden, Ollie or Kyle or Scott or whoever the hell there is out there, even now, but it’s crazy because the only person I want now is you. Stupid, crazy, whatever it is, it’s the truth. I know it’s over but I need to let you know all of this. You said you loved me and threw away everything we had, thinking that leaving me now would hurt us less than ending it later. You ended it thinking you wouldn’t hurt me, thinking it would be easier. But I knew all of that, I knew the pain that would come along with being with you. I knew that there would come a time when the hurt comes. I signed up for all of that¬ when I chose to be with you, including every bit of pain that would come. Hell, I chose to be with you after that ‘one night stand successful’ comment and despite worrying what I was to you in the beginning. I took a leap of faith knowing all of that and you proved everyone wrong, and you don’t have to worry about me getting hurt, or assume how I’ll feel because I know every term and condition than came with being with you. I decided that every second with you is worth the pain, and to be frank you aren’t exactly sparing me any pain or hurt now. You said our breakup was inevitable with the arranged marriage in mind, and you’re right. The thing is, even before this arranged marriage thing, even from the very start I knew our breakup was inevitable. I’m leaving next September to God knows where, the UK or wherever my parents decide to send me for a-levels. I won’t make you any promises I can’t keep either- it’s a countdown, I won’t promise that we’re forever. I won’t promise you anything more than 18 months, because I won’t try long distance with you or anyone else because I don’t want to be selfish anymore. I just want you to know I expected whatever pain to come at the end, and I signed up for it, because I knew the end was inevitable. You said ending it now would hurt less, and I understand and appreciate your concern. When I found out about your arranged marriage (way before I told you I knew), I accepted the pain that would eventually come, and I still know I want this more than anything. Everyone was asking me, ‘Are you sure you still want to continue this? Are you sure you want to deal with the pain and hurt that will come after this?’ and my answer is still ‘yes’. Because I’ve learnt that the good ones never come easy, and you’re my whole world. I know that I want this, even if it ends with you in an arranged marriage, even if you it ends with you dating another girl (which isn’t happening yet, anyway), even if it’ll hurt a thousand times more in the end. It doesn’t matter how much time we have left, because at least we can say we used every last bit of time together to create the best memories to remember us by, instead of throwing everything away like this, in this way. You said being in love as a distraction to our problems would be hurtful, but being in love is about distracting us from our problems. It’s the one happiness you can turn to when everything else goes wrong. It reminds us that there’s always a rainbow after a storm, a light at the end of a tunnel, a silver lining to every bad situation. It’s a waste if everything we had goes down the drain like that, because it’s not an everyday thing to find something special like this, that the person you love loves you back. There are around 7 billion people on this planet, 30 million in Malaysia, hundreds of other people that day at Taylor’s College. What were the odds that you and I, from different schools, different worlds, different lives, would’ve met and fall in love? What were the odds that on that day, we both decided to go to that conference? That at that moment, amongst hundreds of other people we fell for each other? How can we throw away something so special and one-of-a-kind like that so easily without even trying? There’s no relationship that wouldn’t hurt when it ends, no matter how long or short it lasted. Just like when you fell in love, you have the choice of giving your all even though there’s the risk of getting hurt in the end, or playing safe because of the fear of getting hurt. I understand your concerns, but living in the moment and creating something happy to remember us by would be better than ending everything like this. But at the end of the day, I won’t play the ‘if you love me you’d fight for me’ card because I know that would be unfair and selfish, and I’ve been selfish enough already. Ultimately it’s still your choice, your decision, your call to make.

I understand if you hate me after everything. I understand if you’re pissed. Maybe you’ve already moved on, maybe you haven’t. I don’t know. I’m sorry because I fall too hard, break too fast, worry too much and care too much but show too little of it. I take forever to reply your messages because besides being busy, I love having your name in my notifications (lame, I know), I wanted to hold your hand at the hospital but I didn’t because Hafiz was there, I wanted to hug you because you were okay and getting better but I didn’t, and I regret all of that. I don’t give up easily and I have this stubborn heart that loves so much and doesn’t know how to stop. I get jealous easily because I love you so much. I’m scared to show you all of this, scared to tell you all of this because (aside from my pride) I’m scared of giving too much and receiving too little. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for hurting you. I honestly have no excuse. I’m sorry for not being the best girlfriend I could’ve been, and if I have the chance again I wouldn’t hold anything back at all, and I would right the wrongs I made. I love you, I appreciate you, I’m proud of everything you are and I’m sorry for not showing it. On a brighter note, I finally got around to learn (okay, a really short part of) a song on the guitar. The flip side is I suck at barre chords and holy hell I had no idea how much guitar strings can hurt. And somehow, not only does everyone believe me and Jake are siblings, but now they believe Jeremy is our cousin as well. It’s a funny story, but I’ll save that for later. I understand we both need our space now. There are obviously other misunderstandings we need to clear up, but I think it’s best if we do that face to face. Maybe next month at the debate conference? Happy extremely belated Valentine’s day. Getting roses (and a horribly cheesy pickup line for the record) from a guy other than you feels…strange. Socially awkwardly yours, Annyce PS: I’m really sorry for the bad handwriting. I wanted to write you this letter instead of emailing or texting because it feels more genuine and sincere, and after everything I think you deserve genuine and sincere.

I’m really scared of the outcome because I don’t know if he’ll just say ‘thank you for the letter, I appreciate it and you’re a special girl who deserves to be treated better than I can’ because I know I’ve really hurt him (unintentionally, but I know I have and I regret it so much and I love him and hate myself for hurting him). What do you think? And is it okay to give him the letter on day 21 of NC? I was initially overthinking and unsure if I should write to him but I came across a quote saying ‘Often times it is doing the things that scare us most that yield the greatest results’, and I was inspired by it. Do you think I have a chance of getting him back?

Annyce

Hi Amor! I sent in two more replies to your question and it said that it was under moderation but now both have disappeared. Did you get my replies? Thank you so much for your time, I really appreciate it!

Annyce

Hi Amor! Thanks for the reply, and yes, I want to date him only until he has to start dating his fiancee. In other words, I want to spend whatever time we have left together because I know there’s only a 1% chance of changing the whole arranged marriage situation (and I’m leaving in 18 months to the UK for A Levels but he doesn’t know), and I want us to make the best use of our time left together to create more happy memories to remember us by when we have to end it. We ended things on a sour note and with a lot of misunderstandings in the air- he (still) thinks I hate him, he still thinks he’s hurting me by being with me and thinks he didn’t love me enough/wasn’t enough for me, he thinks my guy friend has a thing for me, etc. It’s been 18 days of NC, and I’ve had time to think about things and I know despite whatever pain that will come when we have to end it, I still want this. I realise that I did a lot of things wrong in the relationship that pushed him away- I took him for granted and didn’t show him how much I appreciate him, I didn’t tell him enough times how happy he made me, I was cold a lot of the time because I was selfish and thought more about protecting my feelings by doing all of that and I never thought about how me acting that way was hurting him and distancing him. I behaved childishly when he went out golfing with his dad (whom he rarely sees) and didn’t text me, I overreacted, got drunk and ranted to my guy friend. I called him a prick, an asshole, everything and my guy friend screenshotted it and sent it to him. He apologised profusely in paragraphs but I didn’t reply. I made him feel unloved, unappreciated, shut him out and so much so he even believes I hate him because I acted that way. I didn’t want to swallow my pride and my ego, and I didn’t express my feelings to him and held back everything because I was scared of giving too much and receiving too little. Sure, he was wrong as well because he was busy a lot of the time (he’s the star student who does everything well at his school) but I played a part in the breakup as well. I want the chance to show him everything and right the wrongs I made, because he makes me the happiest version of myself, and makes me feel the most alive. The thing is, he’s not the type of guy to talk about his feelings and relationships to anyone, not even his guy best friend. He’s a private person when it comes to serious relationships. He has a great poker face, and I think he’s been (in a way) trained to hide his feelings and act tough because of all his time in military school. I know he’s a really stubborn guy and although he can be insecure he also has a huge pride, and he hasn’t contacted me. He told me that this is the first time he’s fallen so hard since his first serious ex (after she dumped him he had 5 rebounds, a different girl every week I believe) and he told his guy friends that he’s falling head over heels in love with me. In the beginning I had doubts, but he said with all his rebounds he told them they were rebounds, and he told me I wasn’t one, that I was his serious girlfriend, and he stuck with me for 3 months and it’s crazy because just 5 days before he broke up with me he got crazy jealous because he thinks my guy friend likes me- he went on all his whatsapp groups and gathered all his friends and threatened to send my guy friend into the hospital if he’s serious on even breathing on me. (his best friend sent me screenshots) One day later my drunk angry screenshots were sent to him by my guy friend and he sent me the apology for setting me aside. I ignored him and his next text was ‘Annyce, are you there?’ and I ignored him again, and he then said ‘Annyce, if you hate me so much till this point why don’t we just break up? I don’t want to hurt you as much as I already am and I hate seeing you feeling this way. Honestly, it’s hurting me too and I know I’m being a prick and an asshole and I don’t blame you for calling me one. ‘ After that I jumped in and I told him I didn’t hate him (which I think he doesn’t believe, because I’ve been going to my guy friend about our problems instead of him and I know it’s my fault for making him feel like I hate him) and told him the reason why I’ve been ignoring him is because of my family problems and abusive dad (truth). I asked him to hear me out and he said ‘Always.’ and he said ‘Love, you know I’d never judge you for anything. I definitely won’t judge you for anything you’ll do. I won’t hate you because you have an abusive dad, and I just want you to know that he’ll get what he deserves. Not by me, but by someone else. The most important thing now is how you’re feeling and are you safe now?” and then I told him I knew about the arranged marriage. That’s when things headed south and when he said that he didn’t have the heart to tell me and with this in mind, us breaking up is inevitable. I told him I knew, and I guess we should cherish whatever time we have left until he has to start dating his fiancee, and he said ‘I guess, but it’s only going to hurt me and you more. Being in love as a distraction to our problems is hurtful, and love, for the two of us, let’s end it. We’re only going to make each other feel worse if we continue. I won’t make any promises I can’t keep. I’ll always care for you (till the day I don’t remember) and if we see each other again we’ll still be friends. Farewell, darling, I love you. I hope you’ll find the guy who can love you wholeheartedly. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that guy, I’m sorry for dragging you into this.’ I couldn’t understand the things he said at first, but after talking to his best friend I found out he thinks I hate him and he’s hurting me, all because of my guy friend (the second biggest reason why we broke up, besides the arranged marriage). He told me that the marriage is ‘a long time from now’ but he doesn’t know when his mom expects him to start dating his fiancee. I wrote him a letter to apologise for things, and told him all my true feelings for him and everything I appreciate about him, and I wrote reasons I still want him and finally told him that I knew we weren’t forever from the start (because from the thing he said about not making promises he can’t keep, I think he believes I wanted us to be forever) and I’m leaving so the most I can promise him is 18 months. I said that if I do have the chance, I won’t hold anything back and I’ll right the wrongs I did, and that we still had misunderstandings to clear up but I thought it’ll be better to do it face-to-face in next month’s conference. I included a small part on how things were getting better in my life and that I learnt a song on the guitar to show him I was improving myself, and I passed the letter to his best friend and told him not to give it to him until I told him to, and I plan to do it this Friday (by then it would be 21 days NC). Do you think we have a chance of getting back together? I’m scared if I give him the letter too late he’ll really believe I hate him because I didn’t beg or argue with him or reply at all when he ended things, (I was really nonchalant about it so it might seem like I agreed, I went straight NC) or it might be too late to get him back. I’m also scared that he might not be contacting me because he thinks I hate him and I don’t want to hear from him, or he wants to but his pride his stopping him from doing it. (I’ll post the letter here as well) What do you think? I really appreciate your time, thank you so much!

Annyce

Hi Amor, I replied to your comment twice and it said it’s under moderation and now it’s disappeared. Did you read them/receive them or should I post them again? I’m really sorry, I’m just trying to make things as fast as possible, please reply ASAP! Thank you so so much and I appreciate it.

EBR Team Member: Amor

Yes, I did. I haven’t reached them that’s why it says awaiting moderation.. I’m not sure though why it disappeared.

For me, you should move on because you’re just putting yourself in a more hurtful situation for you. But if you really want that, just tell him. Talk to him that you’re ok with that..

Although I really don’t agree with that, because that’s like devaluing yourself. But if that’s what really makes you happy, and you’re not hurting anybody else, then tell him. If he doesn’t want to talk to or doesn’t want that, then start the no contact period and then slowly rebuild rapport after.

Samantha

My boyfriend just broke up with me on Saturday after us dating for 9 months. He broke up with me because each time he took hours to reply to my messages or pushed our plans to another day I started an argument. I accepted the fact that I ruined it with me neediness. I had two ex-boyfriends who were emotionally abusive so now I let that ruin the best relationship I’ve had. Four hours after the break-up and him saying that we do not have a chance to get back together he wrote me. He said that he regretted the decision and needed time to think rationally about it. I still have a bit of hope but I think in the end he will say no… I’m so sad because we were really great aside from the fact that I was so needy. Is it possible that I can get him back or did my clinginess end it?

Tanya Smith

I just wanted to get some advice on my situation with my ex. I messed up on the no contact rule and there has been on and off contact and even sex after the break up. We have spoken on and off but he mostly ignores me and when we do speak he gets frustrated and angry a lot. He was using a lot of passive aggressive actions online to try and get me jealous and even admitted at one stage to feeling hurt and wanting to get revenge. The last time we spoke he said that he is still attracted to me physically and cares about me deeply but does not want a relationship with anyone. I feel that he is scarred from relationships due to our break up. He left our relationship because he felt rejected and that i was not into him as much as he was which is not true but the damage and confidence was already bruised.

We broke up 3 months ago but this was met with a lot of push and pull and conflicting from him which confused me a lot. He still sounds conflicted and i have noticed his interaction with other females has increased. Although he tells me he is not with anyone and just wants to focus 100% on work, i have my suspicion he maybe sleeping with someone.

I wanted to get some advice how to improve this situation as i am worried because i have made so many mistakes already maybe i have ruined my chances.

EBR Team Member: Amor

A

It has been almost 3 months since my ex boyfriend decided to break up with me. I did implement the NC rule which did work as I received many messages, phone calls, and even him showing up to my house. My NC rule lasted for about one month. Since the break up, we have hung out, stayed the night with each other, spent the holidays together, hooked up, said “I love yous”, held hands, pretty much so everything that two people that are in a relationship would do. I had “the talk” with him about a week ago and he told me that while he still has feelings for me, still loves me, and wants me, he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. I asked him why he didn’t and all he could respond with was he just doesn’t want one. He hasn’t posted anything on social of us, no statuses, no photos, won’t friend request me on FB, and neither will he follow me on IG. The only logical explanation I have is that he is trying to keep his options open. Should I keep waiting and hoping that things will change or is it time that I move on and cut my losses?

EBR Team Member: Amor

4 months have passed by since I first shared my story here on exboyfriendrecovery site. For info, I undergone a “45 days no contact rule” with my ex, we started talking again and progress thru texting for 2-3 weeks and just recently we shifted to phone calls. We usually talk for about an hour or two if we do have time since were also busy with work. Honestly I’m the one who made the first move changing text thru calls, I told him I badly need a speaking partner for my IELTS exam and he was kind enough to help me. So mainly for the past 2 weeks of having a phone conversation, we only discussed about work and how I should pass the test. Literally, we never talk about our previous relationship but the other day he made a weird call, basically this is the first time we talk about how our lives has been for the past months and I told him I’ve been doing great – I engaged myself to the gym with some friends, I told him how happy my life was looking back. I asked how is he doing as well, he told me he is still on the hunt of getting hired, he told me he spent his entire time at home gaining skills and knowledge to finally nail an upcoming interview but he failed to do so. He also made a revelation dropping a bomb, He ask me if I still remember the girl I always overly get jealous with. I told him “who?”, he answered “that girl”, I replied “yes, so what about this girl?”. He told me everything that all the accusations and gut feeling I felt towards them are all accurate. He just felt really bad confronting me about it before because of the untimely situation. I inquire if they’re already together but he told me he don’t know because they don’t have a label yet. I asked him, if they said I love you to each other but he never respond, I told him “well just tell her I’m sorry for all the stupid things I did to her in the past. Tell her I totally regret what I did, sending her that nasty messages before I was just overwhelmed with my emotions” (Btw this new girl is also living in the same country in where I live, so basically they’re also in LDR just like us before). I ask him if the girl knows he’s helping me, he said yes. So I was like okay – I tried my best to keep it cool, he even told me he can’t wait to talk more interesting things about us like “who we dates” and It felt really awkward that very moment. Sincerely, I just realized that my feelings towards him is still there and I hunch as I experience the pain again. He said he was going to call back but I was the one who ended the call first and I don’t have any plans to start a conversation with him just yet. Surprisingly last night, he gave me a call. He sounded really down and was asking an agreement from me, he told me he’s going to help me leave the country in one condition, to tell him how it feels like living here. I ask him why all of a sudden with this question, he told me he was suspecting something with the girl’s intention towards him, I ask him if did they had a fight, he told me no. So I was like as a friend I’ll be there willing to listen to all his problems and interact with him very well. Before the call ended, he told me seriously to think about the deal, I said I’ll reflect about it first. He sent me a message after the call discontinued but I didn’t bother to read it, only after 3 days, I made a response sending him my Christmas greetings reassuring I’ll also be with him ready to assist him if he has problems, feeling down or need my advice. After I sent the message he immediately called me and I gladly pick up telling him “Yes I’ll accept the deal”. We had a very nice and short conversation that time and as usual he initiate to put down the call, I ended the call first. As of this moment I stalked his new girl’s Facebook account, I found out they’re not friends anymore. Is this a good sign Amor? What should I do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

for me that was right because you took the high road, butI think you should focus more on taking about other things next time.. it’s ok to talk about who dates who sometimes but when you’re building attraction, you don’t talk about that often