Warning: May Contain Silliness

Entries tagged with work

No, I am not going to book an engineer for a no sync issue if the customer is able to gain sync. Seriously. Saying that 'but the attenuation is too high' does not change the fact that I am not going to book an engineer on a no sync ticket *if the customer is in sync and I can see this*. Admitting that they are does not, as you seem to think, make it magically okay for me to book out a £165 engineer.

They are able to gain sync. Ergo, it is not a no sync issue. No, not even if it stays off for hours. No, really. They. Can. Gain. Sync. Therefore. It. Is. Not. A. No. Sync. Issue.

Seriously, it is not rocket science and I really should not have to explain this to you.

No, I am not going to book an engineer for a no sync issue if the customer is able to gain sync. Seriously. Saying that 'but the attenuation is too high' does not change the fact that I am not going to book an engineer on a no sync ticket *if the customer is in sync and I can see this*. Admitting that they are does not, as you seem to think, make it magically okay for me to book out a £165 engineer.

They are able to gain sync. Ergo, it is not a no sync issue. No, not even if it stays off for hours. No, really. They. Can. Gain. Sync. Therefore. It. Is. Not. A. No. Sync. Issue.

Seriously, it is not rocket science and I really should not have to explain this to you.

Quick explanation how we treat authentication issues where I work. There's two flavours: 721 are the ones where the handshake fails to complete. It will show no logs on the BRAS or show rejected attempts. 691 are the ones where the handshake completes, but is not recognised, so it encompasses bad password, getting continuously redirected etc. It doesn't correspond to the actual original error codes, but that's the way they're logged. Possibly because our resellers are deficient in the brain department and we've found it best not to confuse them too much.

So, on to the story:

Working a 721 error earlier today. It's been handled before and passed back stating no fault found and everything should be working, please retest. Fault gets reraised. By this time, the customer is pissed off and has turned off their computer. In this day and age not a problem, right? Right. Except that the nice reseller hadn't told us the customer had a USB modem. So this gets picked up by one of my coworkers, who runs a couple of tests and find equipment connected and a disconnection in the network. And hey, the customer hasn't been in sync for two days. This gets logged to OpenReach (for non-UKians: phone/frames engineers. They maintain the copper network and such)

The engineer runs a few tests and finds that the customer is getting dial tone so he says there is no fault. Fair enough. He should still repair it. And this is where the fun really starts: he states in his job notes: 'exchange equipment stolen from the exchange which is why the customer cannot authenticate he says he is getting 721 error on connecting computer so this is a broadband fault.'

I read that and couldn't help but laugh. Seriously, we'd notice if someone went in and nicked our stuff. Honestly. *

And then I continue checking: customer has had multiple connection logs. Customer has multiple successful authentications an hour. So it is not a 721 or a 691 error. It looks like intermittent sync. Check some more things. Find out the customer is using a USB modem. Doublecheck something with people slightly geekier than I. Guess what? Handshake being interrupted by dropping sync will almost definitely cause Windows to display a 721 error when using a USB modem. Yay.

So tomorrow I get to call OpenReach again and ask if their frames engineer was on fucking crack today, run some tests and call the customer who will almost certainly not have been asked to test with alternate equipment and I will have to log the fault out again to have the dis repaired, this time by someone who has a clue and doesn't listen to the customer.

Oh joy.

*I have been valiantly trying to get rid of the image of someone dressed like the HamBurglar sneaking into one of our exchanges and making off with a couple of MSAN cards or a BRAS. Entirely too amusing an image.

Quick explanation how we treat authentication issues where I work. There's two flavours: 721 are the ones where the handshake fails to complete. It will show no logs on the BRAS or show rejected attempts. 691 are the ones where the handshake completes, but is not recognised, so it encompasses bad password, getting continuously redirected etc. It doesn't correspond to the actual original error codes, but that's the way they're logged. Possibly because our resellers are deficient in the brain department and we've found it best not to confuse them too much.

So, on to the story:

Working a 721 error earlier today. It's been handled before and passed back stating no fault found and everything should be working, please retest. Fault gets reraised. By this time, the customer is pissed off and has turned off their computer. In this day and age not a problem, right? Right. Except that the nice reseller hadn't told us the customer had a USB modem. So this gets picked up by one of my coworkers, who runs a couple of tests and find equipment connected and a disconnection in the network. And hey, the customer hasn't been in sync for two days. This gets logged to OpenReach (for non-UKians: phone/frames engineers. They maintain the copper network and such)

The engineer runs a few tests and finds that the customer is getting dial tone so he says there is no fault. Fair enough. He should still repair it. And this is where the fun really starts: he states in his job notes: 'exchange equipment stolen from the exchange which is why the customer cannot authenticate he says he is getting 721 error on connecting computer so this is a broadband fault.'

I read that and couldn't help but laugh. Seriously, we'd notice if someone went in and nicked our stuff. Honestly. *

And then I continue checking: customer has had multiple connection logs. Customer has multiple successful authentications an hour. So it is not a 721 or a 691 error. It looks like intermittent sync. Check some more things. Find out the customer is using a USB modem. Doublecheck something with people slightly geekier than I. Guess what? Handshake being interrupted by dropping sync will almost definitely cause Windows to display a 721 error when using a USB modem. Yay.

So tomorrow I get to call OpenReach again and ask if their frames engineer was on fucking crack today, run some tests and call the customer who will almost certainly not have been asked to test with alternate equipment and I will have to log the fault out again to have the dis repaired, this time by someone who has a clue and doesn't listen to the customer.

Oh joy.

*I have been valiantly trying to get rid of the image of someone dressed like the HamBurglar sneaking into one of our exchanges and making off with a couple of MSAN cards or a BRAS. Entirely too amusing an image.

I did it! I am posting this via firefox!* I managed to get it working on this machine! I figured out why it wasn't working and had to faff about trying to find the autoconfig url and figured out where to put it and it worked!

I can do this! I am not a total geek failure!

*pokes geeks on friends list* Do I get a geek badge now? A small one? A bikkit perhaps?

I did it! I am posting this via firefox!* I managed to get it working on this machine! I figured out why it wasn't working and had to faff about trying to find the autoconfig url and figured out where to put it and it worked!

I can do this! I am not a total geek failure!

*pokes geeks on friends list* Do I get a geek badge now? A small one? A bikkit perhaps?

Our call management system has decided to crap itself. Currently the email part of it is...doing interesting things. It can take up to five minutes to actually open an email. Trying to open a reply email makes it fall over go splat and when you try to open a reply again after getting an error messages, it generaly goes off in a sulk.

Once you get a reply email open, you can type but god help you if you try to send it. It freezes the entire application, and if you're actually copy-pasting something to the ticketing system, it freezes both.

So we're supposed to open the email with the program (no other way, because we can't tell who's doing what otherwise (or even who's sent the email to begin with)) and then have to send any reply via Outlook.

I am not amused. I'm already not too good at emails at the best of times, and this really isn't helping me get all enthusiastic about them.

Our call management system has decided to crap itself. Currently the email part of it is...doing interesting things. It can take up to five minutes to actually open an email. Trying to open a reply email makes it fall over go splat and when you try to open a reply again after getting an error messages, it generaly goes off in a sulk.

Once you get a reply email open, you can type but god help you if you try to send it. It freezes the entire application, and if you're actually copy-pasting something to the ticketing system, it freezes both.

So we're supposed to open the email with the program (no other way, because we can't tell who's doing what otherwise (or even who's sent the email to begin with)) and then have to send any reply via Outlook.

I am not amused. I'm already not too good at emails at the best of times, and this really isn't helping me get all enthusiastic about them.

So a minute before I get to go home, I get an email. A user asking for assistance as they can't find {application}. With the email comes an attachment.

It is an excel sheet.

With a screenshot of the user's Add GI Software.

With an arrow pointing between two applications.

And the word 'Missing' written on top of the arrow.

Cue hysterical giggles on my end. It honestly had no right to be that amusing, but it was. It must have cost her at least ten minutes to make it all and put in the arrow and the writing and it all radiated helpfulness.

To be fair, the application she was looking for has stumped other people before, because, even though the application itself starts with 'L', it is listed under 'O'. Now, what made pushed it from 'Eh, it has happened before.' to 'So cute!' was this:

The arrow? Pointed between the last 'R' entry and the first 'S' entry. I just knew {application} was about an inch above the arrow. I had to go get a drink of water before calling this person.

Now, for some stupidity on my part:

Customer has an excel issue that has me rather stumped, so I hunt for one of our team consultants. Find him at the other end of the helpdesk. As we wander towards my desk the following conversation happens:

Him: So, were're you from?Me: The Netherlands.Him: ...Me: ... Yes?Him: Where are you from here?Me: Oh. Bollington. Him: ...Him: I mean, where's your desk?Me: Oh! It's over there. *gestures vaguely*Him: ...Him: This is not one of your brighter moments, is it? Me: Nope. You want I should put on a vapid expression next time?Him: It would help.

So a minute before I get to go home, I get an email. A user asking for assistance as they can't find {application}. With the email comes an attachment.

It is an excel sheet.

With a screenshot of the user's Add GI Software.

With an arrow pointing between two applications.

And the word 'Missing' written on top of the arrow.

Cue hysterical giggles on my end. It honestly had no right to be that amusing, but it was. It must have cost her at least ten minutes to make it all and put in the arrow and the writing and it all radiated helpfulness.

To be fair, the application she was looking for has stumped other people before, because, even though the application itself starts with 'L', it is listed under 'O'. Now, what made pushed it from 'Eh, it has happened before.' to 'So cute!' was this:

The arrow? Pointed between the last 'R' entry and the first 'S' entry. I just knew {application} was about an inch above the arrow. I had to go get a drink of water before calling this person.

Now, for some stupidity on my part:

Customer has an excel issue that has me rather stumped, so I hunt for one of our team consultants. Find him at the other end of the helpdesk. As we wander towards my desk the following conversation happens:

Him: So, were're you from?Me: The Netherlands.Him: ...Me: ... Yes?Him: Where are you from here?Me: Oh. Bollington. Him: ...Him: I mean, where's your desk?Me: Oh! It's over there. *gestures vaguely*Him: ...Him: This is not one of your brighter moments, is it? Me: Nope. You want I should put on a vapid expression next time?Him: It would help.

Please stop taking control back the second I start fixing your issue. I know I said you can take control back at any time, but this does not mean you should! I can't fix your issue if you don't let me have control over your PC. Thank you.

---------

Dear User Number Two,

No, I am not psychic or really clever. I just happen to have seen this problem before and it has an easy fix. No, I don't think you're stupid for not having thought of it yourself. Honestly. No, I also don't think you're wasting my time. Really. No, the people here do not think everyone who calls is a mouth-breathing twit with oatmeal for brains*.

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Dear User Number One (again),

Gah! Stop doing that!

------------

Dear User Number Three,

When I ask you to read me the error message you are getting, please read me the exact error message. This means something along the lines of 'Winword.exe has generated errors...', not 'Wordsomethingorother*mumble*'.

--------------

Dear User Number One (yet again)

Oh, for sweet fuck's sake, step away from the keyboard! Is this an involuntary muscle spasm on your part? Or a Pavlovian response? 'Mouse moves, must press any key!'? Please, for the love of Cthulhu's fluffy bunny slippers, please let me fix this problem so you and I can go our seperate ways again, mmkay?

Please stop taking control back the second I start fixing your issue. I know I said you can take control back at any time, but this does not mean you should! I can't fix your issue if you don't let me have control over your PC. Thank you.

---------

Dear User Number Two,

No, I am not psychic or really clever. I just happen to have seen this problem before and it has an easy fix. No, I don't think you're stupid for not having thought of it yourself. Honestly. No, I also don't think you're wasting my time. Really. No, the people here do not think everyone who calls is a mouth-breathing twit with oatmeal for brains*.

-----------

Dear User Number One (again),

Gah! Stop doing that!

------------

Dear User Number Three,

When I ask you to read me the error message you are getting, please read me the exact error message. This means something along the lines of 'Winword.exe has generated errors...', not 'Wordsomethingorother*mumble*'.

--------------

Dear User Number One (yet again)

Oh, for sweet fuck's sake, step away from the keyboard! Is this an involuntary muscle spasm on your part? Or a Pavlovian response? 'Mouse moves, must press any key!'? Please, for the love of Cthulhu's fluffy bunny slippers, please let me fix this problem so you and I can go our seperate ways again, mmkay?

When you call the helpdesk, please don't chew in my ear, thank you ever so much. Eat your food before or after you call the helpdesk. I am a human being and do not want or need to hear you eat.

Also, please to be toning it down with the smacking of lips and the whole talking with your mouth full. I am here to help you, and I can do that a lot more effectively if you aren't nauseating me by loudly masticating your way through what sounds like a fucking brick wall. I want to help you. Unfortunately this is hampered by you answering my questions with 'Mmmph*mumble*Ooofahimmp*smacksmackcrunch*'.

So when I ask you politely to please put the food down for a bit while you talk to me, because you're rather difficult to understand through that foot long sandwich you just stuffed in your mouth, don't you fucking get huffy with me and tell that I should just fix your problem and stop complaining.

When you call the helpdesk, please don't chew in my ear, thank you ever so much. Eat your food before or after you call the helpdesk. I am a human being and do not want or need to hear you eat.

Also, please to be toning it down with the smacking of lips and the whole talking with your mouth full. I am here to help you, and I can do that a lot more effectively if you aren't nauseating me by loudly masticating your way through what sounds like a fucking brick wall. I want to help you. Unfortunately this is hampered by you answering my questions with 'Mmmph*mumble*Ooofahimmp*smacksmackcrunch*'.

So when I ask you politely to please put the food down for a bit while you talk to me, because you're rather difficult to understand through that foot long sandwich you just stuffed in your mouth, don't you fucking get huffy with me and tell that I should just fix your problem and stop complaining.

We occasionally* have new mandatory software roll-outs. These are fun to begin with, as they tend to cause problems with thing like add-ons and plug-ins and tack-ons and what have yous. Now, usually the company is quite good at talking to the businesses that provide this software and have thorough testing done, usually resulting in a specific company tailored version being rolled out.

Note that I said 'usually'. Sometimes, they don't. As with the latest version of Adobe Reader. It's been bought and licensed and implemented. Unfortunately, what they didn't test was the following: Can documents created in the latest version of Writer actually be printed by the latest version of Reader? The answer is 'No.', which caused huge amounts of fun.

There is also a nifty feature in the latest reader. It is called 'Send to Fed-EX-Kinko'. I took the call on that one about two months ago.

So you have your shiny new reader. It has prettiful layout with big friendly buttons that say 'Push me. I make a pleasing noise.'. It also has the shiny prettiful button that reads 'Send to Fed-EX-Kinko'. It sort of does what it says on the button.

You see the shiny button. You do not know what the shiny button does. You press the shiny button. Nothing happens. You press the shiny button again. You wait. Nothing happens. You press the shiny button yet once more. Nothing continues to happen. And you press the button some more. Crickets chirp. You call the helpdesk and ask what the prettiful button actually does.

The helpful analyst takes control over your pc and shows you the myriad of screens that have been opened by your diligent button pressing. It requests you fill in details and send them off to Fed-EX where they (presumably) will end up in a dark room. They will likely be eaten by a grue.

You then realise that prettiful button is evil incarnate, the spawn of Satan himself, and will probably follow you home and eat your children, because that button nearly caused you to send highly confidential information to Fed-EX and Oh My Gods The Boss Is Going To Have Conniptions You Must Do Something About This Evil Button Now.

You do not respond well when analyst tells you that this must be sorted out by others Higher Up and that it, because of the potential security risk caused by blithering idiots like yourself, will be sent through with the highest priority. You spend the next 15 minutes moaning and complaining about the fact that there was no small label attached to the button that reads 'Warning. Do not under any circumstances press this button. Doing so will cause your small intestines to crawl up out of your body and throttling you until you are very very sorry for pressing this here button. Seriously.'

Analyst finally cuts you off by chirpily giving you the ticket number and wishing you a good day, while secretly hoping you had a 'Send to Fed-EX/Kinko' button.

We occasionally* have new mandatory software roll-outs. These are fun to begin with, as they tend to cause problems with thing like add-ons and plug-ins and tack-ons and what have yous. Now, usually the company is quite good at talking to the businesses that provide this software and have thorough testing done, usually resulting in a specific company tailored version being rolled out.

Note that I said 'usually'. Sometimes, they don't. As with the latest version of Adobe Reader. It's been bought and licensed and implemented. Unfortunately, what they didn't test was the following: Can documents created in the latest version of Writer actually be printed by the latest version of Reader? The answer is 'No.', which caused huge amounts of fun.

There is also a nifty feature in the latest reader. It is called 'Send to Fed-EX-Kinko'. I took the call on that one about two months ago.

So you have your shiny new reader. It has prettiful layout with big friendly buttons that say 'Push me. I make a pleasing noise.'. It also has the shiny prettiful button that reads 'Send to Fed-EX-Kinko'. It sort of does what it says on the button.

You see the shiny button. You do not know what the shiny button does. You press the shiny button. Nothing happens. You press the shiny button again. You wait. Nothing happens. You press the shiny button yet once more. Nothing continues to happen. And you press the button some more. Crickets chirp. You call the helpdesk and ask what the prettiful button actually does.

The helpful analyst takes control over your pc and shows you the myriad of screens that have been opened by your diligent button pressing. It requests you fill in details and send them off to Fed-EX where they (presumably) will end up in a dark room. They will likely be eaten by a grue.

You then realise that prettiful button is evil incarnate, the spawn of Satan himself, and will probably follow you home and eat your children, because that button nearly caused you to send highly confidential information to Fed-EX and Oh My Gods The Boss Is Going To Have Conniptions You Must Do Something About This Evil Button Now.

You do not respond well when analyst tells you that this must be sorted out by others Higher Up and that it, because of the potential security risk caused by blithering idiots like yourself, will be sent through with the highest priority. You spend the next 15 minutes moaning and complaining about the fact that there was no small label attached to the button that reads 'Warning. Do not under any circumstances press this button. Doing so will cause your small intestines to crawl up out of your body and throttling you until you are very very sorry for pressing this here button. Seriously.'

Analyst finally cuts you off by chirpily giving you the ticket number and wishing you a good day, while secretly hoping you had a 'Send to Fed-EX/Kinko' button.

It starts by the alarm going off at 5:55. I press snooze. My alarm goes off at 6:05. I press snooze. I wake up at 6:13 in a panic because really? I should have been in the car in about 2 minutes. I run around getting ready, and I think there's a chance I woke up housemate by running into the table in the living room.

Get in the car and notice it's a bit blustery as stuff has fallen over, making getting past the roadworks even more interesting than usual. Mutter to myself about how these foolish Brits don't seem to be able to drive in anything other than sunny weather, because come on people, it's only a bit of wind. This is nothing compared to some of the storms I...Erm...why is the car suddenly going sideways?

So yes, it was slightly windier than I expected. I was fine until I hit the top of a hill and the car decided it really wanted to explore the hedge on the opposite side of the road. Fortunately there were no people or cars there and I quickly got back on my own side.

It starts by the alarm going off at 5:55. I press snooze. My alarm goes off at 6:05. I press snooze. I wake up at 6:13 in a panic because really? I should have been in the car in about 2 minutes. I run around getting ready, and I think there's a chance I woke up housemate by running into the table in the living room.

Get in the car and notice it's a bit blustery as stuff has fallen over, making getting past the roadworks even more interesting than usual. Mutter to myself about how these foolish Brits don't seem to be able to drive in anything other than sunny weather, because come on people, it's only a bit of wind. This is nothing compared to some of the storms I...Erm...why is the car suddenly going sideways?

So yes, it was slightly windier than I expected. I was fine until I hit the top of a hill and the car decided it really wanted to explore the hedge on the opposite side of the road. Fortunately there were no people or cars there and I quickly got back on my own side.