another day goes by

and so i sit here alone again. i'm getting better at living in denial. i focus on incredibly small and insignifigant things in order to keep myself from thinking about the big things. those are just too much. my birthday just went passed and i had myself psyched up that i was going to finish it all on that day. i was happy for a while. then i went and did it again, i left myself a very small chance to not do it by telling myself that if i got a computer before my birthday i wouldn't do it. i figured that the channces of that happening are slim to none, so i felt safe making that deal with myself. then someone i know told me they needed to sell an old clunker computer they had 'cause they needed money. so i ended up buying it on my birthday and now i'm back here, after that day. so why aren't i happy? i'm still here and i have the internet again. because the memories and dreams are still here, too. i'm haunted in my dreams, someone i loved who died visits me in my dreams every night. i know rationally that it's just my mind making me have these dreams, but i also know when i wake up that they were real. i know that i sound really crazy telling this, but i swear it's true. or maybe not. who knows?

yeah, I was going to go to work friday, saturday and sunday, because the day time guy took off those days, and considering I am a second shift guy, but I just felt too bad to go into work. Plus I got paid thursday and friday because of the holiday, so I wasn't too worried. Usually work gets my mind off of things, but I woke up feeling horrible, so that doesn't help.

forgive me if I am wrong... god knows I often am... but to me your post sounds more like a search for life instead of a search for death. Is that possible? What I mean is that you seem to be searching for something in which to find happiness... personally I am looking for a reason why the happiness I do have is worth the pain... but it seems you are looking for that happiness.

you can't find it in a computer...or even in another person. It's the kind of happiness that comes from being compassionate to yourself. I know that will sound dumb at first... but what could go wrong if you actually told yourself that you are worth something?

nah,, i've had too much of a life. too much built up and stripped away and lost. what i really would like is a boring life. one where very little happens and people leave me alone. but that will probably not happen so i'm left with my alternatives.

:biggrin: Yoyo girl that's one of the best lines I have ever read. You made my morning. That takes guts to admit when you are wrong. That is admirable.

ikari, when the person who has dioed visits in your dreams that is actually them coming back to tell you something or help you.

If you can start a little dream journal. First thing when you wake up jot down single workds that were in it, and the maybe colors, or numbers. No doubt they are trying to tell you that they are doing good. You have to be open ot it. I may be wrong too cause god know I often am,:wink: