Month: December 2016

This whole year really has been… different. I started out the year just trying to breathe and honestly not really caring if I did. That solid depression/funk stayed with me through June and only started lifting when I had to be a part of the Camp Board I am on… I went in planning to resign when the week was up… I came out…

renewed…

From there – I moved into August for Wine and Words and then I MOVED. By that I mean, I got on my bike. I went back to the gym. I started walking with friends and signing up for runs. I started to find me again, probably because I was actively trying to… for myself and for my son. Reading, fell to the wayside this year…. its crazy to say that but true. I kept my mind occupied with projects and going and doing.

It brought me to now… still and forever crushed by the enormous loss in my life… at the same time determined to do something with what I have been given as I am all too painfully aware many of us take our days for granted…. and I can tell you first hand – dont do that. LIVE each one well.

So here we are.

Our winter so far has been mild with little snow. I have walked a lot through our local arboretum with friends… more than I have probably ever been out in the winter weather before. Yes yes… I am a Minnesota girl who is not a fan of winter – it is true.

If you have not signed up for first book yet – please do! I love putting that together for the new year and it is so uplifting to see all the readers from around the world! Here is the link to that post. I look forward to getting back into my reviews and back with all of you as we enter 2017.

♥

It is Christmas morning. I am sitting here in a very quiet house and I am reflecting on the past year… the past two years… and how different things are now.

Christmas 2014 was our last Christmas as a full family. Christmas Eve Justin would be in town and hanging out with me all day while we prepped or today. No doubt he was wrapping gifts (he could wrap anything!) and seeing friends while he was in town. In the evening we would have watched Harry Potter movies (I know we did!) and eat junk food, staying up way too late as always.

Christmas day would have brought me making an egg bake and orange cinnamon rolls, the house would smell delicious. Brad would come over around 10 am and we would eat and then open gifts together. Hang out for the afternoon playing board games, laughing, and just being together. I can so clearly see that last Christmas together.

Which brings me to today.

I have a little tree set up on the kitchen table. This is a step Last year I did not put up a tree at all. I wrapped a few gifts last night… also new. I did not wrap gifts last year.

A few days ago I came across a message I had wrote on Facebook a year ago. I spoke on how difficult it was to be out in the community because you just never knew what was going to happen. I referred to it then as land mines…. what people said, what they did, or even the sad look they gave me created an eruption of overpowering emotion in me…. land mines. And I avoided that situation at all cost. In fact throughout last winter, I became so worried about the land mines I did my best to never go out into public situations where I might step into one.

I mean why put myself through that?

What caught me most about this year ago message…. was it made me think about those same situations now. Yes, they still happen. I still run into people who have not seen me in a while and there is still the question I usually can now answer “how are you?”, and yes still the sad looks especially this time of year, and yes the long hugs which are amazing and break me all at the same time.

However….

and this is where I was surprised…

the world landmine no longer applies.

These situations that a year ago flooded my mind with the need to escape to get away from all these people that know my loss, know my struggle…. now are more of a speed bump then an all out land mine exploding my world again and again.

Please understand me. I actually LOVE that people still acknowledge my son and acknowledge the incredible loss that it is. Because – it is. And I do not want him forgotten or the reality ignored. Yes… it hurt every day. However, YES -acknowledge him. Share your memories of him… yes tell me that his eyes were like mine because mine are like my moms and that means SO MUCH. And yes, be real around me. Honestly – it does still suck. It hurts like crazy and I just do what I can to be strong and live out even this as well as I can.

Often (like the Ugly Sweater party) I put myself in situations that I know are going to rip me up…. it is hard to be around all of Justin’s friends or be at events that I know he would be as well. Yet – I have to be a part of that. To be close to them and their hurt, is a powerful speed bump worth every hard minute of it. I have no choice…. I have to go. I have to be with them whenever I can. They carry keys to my son. I want to try all the keys and learn all I can.

One young girl at the party came up to me at the end of the night. She said, “You don’t know me, but you used to work with my mom. I read what you write on Facebook and I have to tell you that I love you.”.

This. This. This.

Tears flow while I type this, but I had to share – the POWER of this. The power of knowing what I say, being 100% real and raw, can speak to others. Wow.

Soon…. Brad and I will go to a movie. Later, I get to watch him open gifts. We will eat together as a family…. which is sooooooooo bitter sweet. Yet I know and I know and I know…. Justin is smiling on us. He knows how incredibly hard it is for me to do it – but I do. For all of us.

My message to you (you knew I had one!) is make the absolute most out of today. See your Christmas through new eyes. Whoever you are lucky enough (yes lucky enough) to be with today. Make it magic. Love unconditionally. Let old hurts fade away. YOU get to decide what you do with today and how it all plays out. You never know what next year will be like so do not take for granted what you have today.

It was in 2013 I started to promote a word to represent my year rather than a resolution. A word, can fluctuate – take on new meaning depending the circumstances, and come out at the end with a whole new meaning then first anticipated. My word from last year was like that and in the end – while we went through a lot together… it still was an effective word.

I have come to love choosing my word each year, and you are welcome to read the link above to explain my past words and what happened with them, but the rest of this post will focus on my current word, how it has served me and what 2017 will bring.

2016 has been my year of COURAGE. Those of you who know me/follow me know what an impossible year 2015 was and coming into 2016 I needed a word that would lift me up when I needed it… that would help me take the next step whatever it would be.

COURAGE served me well. There were times throughout the year I wondered if I could… if I should…. and COURAGE brought me to it – and through it. My friends (God love them!) supported me, Kerri found me the word to put on my chain…

and Gail presented me with a cool key for my key chain that also reminded me….

COURAGE was the perfect word for me for 2016. So perfect, the last couple of weeks have been a bit scary as I thought of moving away from the word to something new for 2017. Courage helped me when I thought I couldn’t do something… or I just wanted to stay in bed and avoid the world as I now knew it. Often it was the word that made me do things I was afraid to do.

Those of you who have participated in the One Word know that it can be a hard decision to choose just the right word. I spend a lot of time looking at lists, watching descriptions of things… considering who I am, where I am at, and what I strive for.

After much deliberation for a while I thought maybe PERSEVERE would take me through 2017…. however the more I thought about it… the word felt heavy, like slogging through troubling times – everything hard but still moving on….

Honestly, I don’t want to slog through the year….

I kept looking hoping for something lighter, but still represented me well, motivated me, caused me to keep on going for me – for Justin…. for Brad….

So here is what happened today.

I was walking in the Arb with my friend Farrah. I was talking about the one word and how I was still searching. I told her about persevere, in the running but I was not feeling it. I mentioned that the word “Shine” was one I liked, it felt positive, light, and represented who I wanted to be, but I was still uncertain.

After our walk we went out for coffee. While warming up in the cozy coffee house Farrah suddenly looked at the rows of coffee mugs for sale and pointed.

This is what she was pointing at:

Tears filled my eyes. Honestly I don’t think I have ever seen a coffee mug with the word SHINE on it. It felt like it was meant to be. Farrah teared up as well. “I guess that is my word.” I said. And I like it.

The story should end there… it doesn’t.

I came home after our coffee and was bringing things in the house. I glanced over at a picture of Justin and froze. Next to his picture are the two medals I brought home for the run that my friends and his have ran for him the past two years…. right next to his picture, on the ribbon strap of the award was the word….

My breath caught. My word. MY word.

SHINE…. for 2017 I hope to shine in all I do. I hope to reflect well in my doings, never settle for less than SHINE quality and be the person I want to be for myself and for Justin. We got this kid…. for you I will shine.

I hope you consider choosing a word for you. I have had an amazing experience every year with my word. Each year has held something special because I had picked a word to represent me and I lived it out. Here is a list of words however you can choose anything you wish.

If you do choose a word, I would LOVE to know about it. If you blog, please let me know if you post about it as I would LOVE to cheer you on throughout the year as you make your word work for you. If you do not blog, please consider participating anyways. A word…can be a powerful thing.

I hope all of you are well and snug and warm and ready for the week to come.

This season is odd for me now.

No tree is put up in our home. I am not bustling around and wrapping gifts and making lists….

The joy of the season – for me is gone. For now anyway. And I hate even writing that because it makes me sad but it is also so true.

So what do I do?

This week I will do what I have been doing the last 5 months. I will stay busy. I will go to the gym, walk in the arb, have coffee dates and find my way through. My friend Amy and I are going to make a make shift 5k for Christmas eve eve (yes the eve before the eve) because having something to focus on works for me.

Enough of that though….

lets talk books.

WHAT????? Books?

Yes yes.. ha ha. I have not written a review in ages. I need to. I want to. I am ready for a New Year in that sense as I can start my Good Read goal again…. the one I blew this year as I just…. didnt.

AND be sure to check out First Book of the year….. AND soon to be coming/posting will be One Word…. our word for the year which I am still sorting through as I do every year…trying to pick just the right one. It is a BIG DEAL.

So that is a brief what is happening with me. I am off to the gym, making biscotti this afternoon while listening to audio and perhaps a walk in the arb with a friend.

Yes. YES! We are totally doing this again. This is the fourth year that I am thrilled to host the First Book Of The Year. As always, I hope you will join in this fun event. I absolutely LOVE seeing the pictures from all over the world of all of you with your first books.

So what is First Book of the year?

The First Book is a book that maybe you have been wanting to read for a while but have not had time for, a coveted book, an old favorite re-read – whatever you want. The point is that this is the book that will kick off the year for you. What will it be?

Our posts of what we are reading will go live on January 1st. You do not need to be done with the book on January 1st, just reading it on January 1st and yes, you can start on the 31st and be reading into the New Year. I would like to link up all your posts here on the 1st as well so others can visit you and cheer you on! If you are interested, please fill out the short form below.

Here are the pictures sent in from last years First Book:

Here is all you need to sign up and to know what to do. Please help me to spread the word…. lets fill January 1st with the great First Books!

I have no excuses. I just went about life and didn’t make it here. I needed time to find me again… it is still a work in progress but I feel as though I may be getting there.

AND – I have been DOING. Which…. is actually a great word.

I am going to quickly update you as I have TONS to catch up on with reviews and crazy things that have been happening (in good ways)…

Most importantly at this moment – YES to those of you who have asked if I am doing First Bookagain. YES! I love first book and this will be my 4th year doing it and I absolutely want to own this one again. I will have the sign up ready today – I hope you will join.

Did I mention I LOVE First Book?

Next – YES I am totally doing ONE WORD again as well. This will be the 5th year I have hosted the One Word and as you know from last years post, I LOVE this as well. I am still thinking about my word…… posting soon on this. Yes I promise 🙂

As for everything else…. I have been running, dressing up, biking, hanging with friends, getting out of the house, working with non profits, working with a fun online project, creating websites, walking in the snow, going back to the YMCA, lifting weights, saying YES more… and remembering that I am doing this life for two now… and I can not let Justin down. (Yes there are sample pictures….)

I miss all of you. I just have not been taking the time to be here and I need to do that. Minnesota is cold…. damp… and it s a good time to get acquainted with this blog again and all of you.