Friday, June 27, 2008

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition until death do them part. ~ G.B. Shaw

California became the second state to perform and recognize same-sex marriage recently.

This had me thinking. If Handsome and I got married in Colorado, and then we decided to move to North Carolina, how surprised would we be if all of a sudden, the North Carolina government did not recognize the fact that we were married?

Ridiculous, no?

I believe that it is fear that motivates state governments to introduce statutes and constitutional bans on same-sex marriage.

In most cases, marriage between two people, regardless of gender, is an expression of love and commitment. It is a sacrament in the church. "Marriage should be honored by all" (Heb. 13:4).

There are plenty of people who are of opposite gender who marry each other for reasons much less noble than love and commitment. Can you say green card?

In a time when nothing is more certain than change, the commitment of two people to one another has become difficult and rare. Yet, by its scarcity, the beauty and value of this exchange have only been enhanced. ~ Robert Sexton

Perhaps I'm one of those people who choose the "carte-blanche" way of my faith. I believe that two people who love each other should not be judged because they may be of the same sex. In fact, I believe I'll let God do the judging for me. People do entirely too much judging of other people, in my opinion.

He knows that if I love someone, that person has affected ME in a positive way. We are all human here. I would rather see my two male friends have the same opportunity to care for each other in all the legal sense of the words, without having to jump through any additional hoops that Handsome and I did not have to, than to see them purposely single, and miserable.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Remember junior high school? Gossiping girls, immature boys, rumors flying, surging hormones, irritated complexions, insecurity everywhere... How could any of us come out of that unscathed?

I'd like to speak to the girl I was back then.

Just because you weren't born in the same town you live in now doesn't mean that you are less than the people who have grown up here all their lives. You have experienced more of the country and met more diverse and interesting people than any of the kids in your class. This kind of experience cannot be bought, so don't be ashamed you do not have the same kind of money your friends have.

Live each day as though it matters. What you do matters. Who you are matters. There are so many opportunities for you to make a difference in other people's lives. You have no idea who you touch, just by being you.

Be the best you that you can be. Don't start smoking just because your friends do. They aren't willing to sacrifice their lungs for you so why should you sacrifice yours for them? The same goes for drinking at much too young an age. It's not worth the price that your pride and reputation will have to pay.

You know you are a better person that who you show the world. Why are you afraid to achieve all that you know you can? Go ahead, take notes in class. Then read them after school.

Practice your instrument. The first chair soloist wasn't just born with her talent, she worked hard every day to get better. She's better than you because she practices. You may never match her but at least you can say you tried.

Do right by your folks. They may not be as cool as your friends but they sure do love you. They want you to live the life they never did. Do better than that. Be their friend but also let them be the parents. That's their job. Don't get angry when they do it.

Make the choices so that nobody can talk about you behind your back where you would be ashamed to overhear them. That's character.

If people make up misleading rumors about you, be confident in the fact they are untrue. The truth will set you free. The people who remain your friends throughout the mudslinging are the ones you will remember. Everyone else will fade.

Be the kind of friend that you would want for yourself. If you wish someone would listen to you, become a better listener.

Enjoy the journey of your education. You will never learn more all at once as you are in school. It's okay to be smarter than some other people you know. It may get you a cool tutoring gig with a football player one day.

Today won't last forever. That's a good thing. The bad times will slowly be forgotten, but so will the good. Keep a journal. It will make for a good read when you're older. You'll realize you really don't hate your mom, or your dad, and that the boys in life aren't as important as you may have thought.

Thank your teachers. Be nice to them by paying attention in class. They are doing a lot for you, and a lot of other kids, and they don't get paid nearly what they deserve.

One more thing. Don't get that tattoo. You'll want to wear sleeveless shirts at work someday.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Human thoughts have a tendency to transform themselves into their physical equivalent.

Twelve words. That's all.

Let's see, there are the days when I'm miserable and the whole world looks dark. If I consciously change my thought pattern, the world brightens up immediately.

Even if it's gloomy outside, I can rejoice in that, knowing that God is building the clouds to deliver much needed rain to my plants.

It is the situations which lead me to want to argue with myself, berate myself, get angry with my husband, be a slacker at work... Those are when I need to realize that I can change it all.

I will never be perfect. Although I try to attain perfection all. the. time. And I want the same for my husband. And he won't ever be perfect, either! So I need to realize that there is no such thing as human perfection. All we can do is our best.

When we put our best self forward, the rest doesn't really matter. If our best isn't good enough for some people, then they are asking too much. I like high expectations. I like challenges. I can learn to have high expectations of myself and my family without making them unattainable.

Handsome's dad is an example of how his mentality has changed his physicality. From the time of his young adulthood, he has had a "chip on his shoulder", for lack of a better term. He has believed that the universe owed him something. (I believe the universe owes us all something, it's just up to us to go out and get it.) He never did anything about it except complain. And drink.

There was a time in his life when he was very creative, making by hand these exquisite pieces of furniture. Several pieces now adorn our own home. Although I did not know the man during that period of his life, I'm willing to wager that he was a happy being when he was creating that furniture. His creativity flowed, he saw results in these awesome dressers and nightstands and headboards.

Until he stopped. Then life turned its back on him. Or rather, he turned his back on life. And settled down with a six 30 pack.

His body has adjusted to the toxin of alcohol ever since. It has manifested in gout and arthritis and the limited usage of his hands and constant pain in all his joints.

He laments the fact that he no longer has the workshop where he can create.

Truthfully, he no longer has the desire or the ability, but he doesn't realize that it is all tied up together.

Step one does not have to be to stop drinking in order to feel better about himself so that he may regain his creativity and spark.

Step one can be to feel better about himself! Then he could stop drinking and heal his body, so that it would not be the betrayer he feels it is.

Human thoughts have a tendency to transform themselves into their physical equivalent.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

This past weekend was another busy one. We attended a wedding on Saturday night. It was beautiful! The bride has family living in the mountain forest in Colorado and the wedding ceremony and reception was held onsite. It was dubbed a "mountain luau" complete with the groom and best man in hawaiian shirts and flip flops. Very cool.

The following day we went to a baseball event sponsored by the adoption agency through which I placed my son. It was so cool seeing all these families together, all of whom were built by adoption. Lots of little ones, toddlers, a couple kids who were older. Not many birthmoms present, though.

I haven't been in touch with many of the people at the agency since the Boy was born over nine years ago. I reunited with another birthmom at the pre-game picnic and we caught up on each others' lives.

But the best part was seeing my counselor, G, again. G hasn't changed one iota since my days of being a pregnant birthmom. It was amazing. And we talked to each other like nine years had not elapsed between our visits. G, you're like a balm to my soul.

Life has gone by with all the birthdays and anniversaries, the weddings and new homes, the recitals and fairs. In one instant, I was reminded of who I was before my life changed so dramatically the day I saw the plus sign on that pregnancy test.

I wouldn't change any of it, of course. But it sure was nice to see her, and a little piece of the me I used to be.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Handsome and I went out on a date night last night. We had a gift card to a semi-fancy Italian restaurant which serves meals family style. Fixed price + gift card = dinner for 2 for $10!

After dinner, we enjoyed an evening of live theater. I mentioned that I know someone who's practically famous. PHAMALY's production of Sideshow was just awesome.

The plot is based on the true story of conjoined twins in the early 1920s who wound up first in the circus circuit (hence, the name of the production) before moving up to Vaudeville.

The two actresses who played the twins were amazing. They have the most beautiful voices and sang perfectly. They shared this gigantic wheelchair throughout the play, save for a dream sequence when one twin gets up and walks toward the man she loves.

Now, some plays are just really great and they give you a good feeling for plunking down the money to see them. Add to that the fact that these actors are blind, or wheelchair bound, or deaf, or have failing kidneys or rheumatoid arthritis, and, well, it just humbles a person.

Especially me, because I've been moaning and beating myself up lately over stupid stuff. I think I needed a reality dose of "You want to see hard? These people cannot do every single thing you can do every single day. Get over yourself."

I thoroughly enjoyed the show, folks. Can't wait to catch the next production!

Monday, June 16, 2008

This past week was rough. I was very busy, which didn't leave enough time to get done everything on the To Do list, at least not with much time to spare. It's difficult when life has a long To Do list, even if some of the things on that list are good, helpful, selfless, charitable.

Our church had vacation bible school last week and I signed up to make dinners for all participants and their families. We did not have a solid headcount so Handsome and I bought supplies for the closest number of kids we anticipated.

There were many more kids than what we anticipated.

Even though the meals were gobbled up and everyone was very complimentary, I was kicking myself for not over-planning. I didn't anticipate there being so many additional people there. So, when they ran out of taco shells, I took it as a personal failure that I only bought 60, instead of 80. (Although, with 80 shells, we would've run out of taco meat. Which wouldn't have made me feel any better.)

Having more kids participate in vacation bible school than were anticipated is actually a good thing! The fact that I wasn't entirely prepared for as many kids and parents who showed up hungry just helps me prepare better for next year.

Saturday, at our Mile High Hunt, the entire first part of the day was awesome. We had over 50 teams sign up and lots of people had really great costumes. It was a great turnout. Handsome and I were responsible for two separate routes. We each took lots of phone calls for the "Phone A Friend" option, for which participants paid $5 to get a phone call to help them figure out where they should be or where they needed to go. When the teams started rolling in at the finish line, we were responsible for scoring them, too.

The teams were either following an "A" route or a "B" route. Due to the fact that I didn't read which questions were different between the two routes, I scored each "B" route incorrectly on question #2. I was consistent in that, which should have alerted me to the fact that every single "B" route got question #2 wrong. But it was hectic and I was in too much of a hurry to get their cards scored.

One team, a "B" route team, couldn't understand what they did wrong. After looking at the answers, they thought they got every question correct, and their time was pretty good. So, they asked me, what gives? I got their answer card and showed them that #2 was incorrect. They challenged me on it and I realized my mistake. But, by that time, the prizes had already been distributed.

I felt awful. What could I do? They came over and demanded an apology, which I gave and asked what else I could do for them. But they were ticked off. Did I mention I felt terrible? Ugh, I wanted the whole world to open up and swallow me right then and there.

The leader of the event came over and asked what was going on. I explained that I made a mistake and scored their route wrong and, as a result, they should've gotten 2nd place. The leader said there was one prize that she forgot to put out for the raffle and, if the team was amenable, she would give it to them. It was way better than what the 2nd place team received anyway. They said okay.

So, all's well that ends well, right?

No. I worked it over in my brain for the entire rest of the day. In my eyes, my mistake totally negated all the hours that I had put into the event, planning, asking for donations, walking the route, writing clues, registering, phone-a-friend-ing, etc. I was inconsolable.

I asked God to take it from me.

Then I took it back.

We had a tug of war for at least 18 hours.

Then, at church, the pastor was explaining the ritual and meaning of Communion and he said something to the effect of "Whatever issues you're dealing with, however hard your week has been, however you are beating yourself up today, know that you're forgiven."

So, I'm giving it back to God. Apparently, He's already forgiven me.

And if HE can forgive me, then surely I can figure a way to do it, too.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Saturday, June 14, 2008

This weekend Handsome and I are making history. We are participating in the Third Annual Mile High Hunt which benefits the Starlight Childrens' Foundation. Starlight is an organization that helps very sick kids take their minds off the fact that they are very sick, even just for a little while. They are GREAT.

Handsome and I have been volunteering together since before we got married and I volunteered for them for about 5 years before that. We do things like go to Children's Hospital and make crafts with the kids or volunteer at their fundraising events. The activities are always a good time.

This is our first year being involved with the Hunt. It is a scavenger hunt which takes place in a 10 block by 10 block section of lower downtown Denver.

We've had planning meetings every week for the past month or so and a lot of stuff goes in to organizing an event such as the Hunt. I was a part of the "logistics" subcommittee. This means I helped write the routes that the participants of the hunt would have to follow. My friend Christen and I spent lots of hours together walking all over the neighborhood and wrote up clues to various locations that we came across.

There are lots of parking lots and garages in lower downtown Denver.

Parking lots and garages make for lousy clue writing.

I'm terribly worried that people won't like our route or our clues because sometimes, we really had to reach for it to make it work. In any case, I had a really good time helping to put it together.

Aside from route writing, we were charged with marketing the Hunt to attract people to actually play and participate in the Hunt. We also collected items which we could use in the raffle and prizes which would be awarded to the winners.

Since I've worked at the firm for over 8 years, I have some connections with some people and decided I'd ask for a donation. I contacted one of the upper level folks at one of the banks in town and explained what Starlight is all about and how we were doing the Hunt to fundraise.

Then, I asked if he could please donate a $250 bank gift card for our raffle.

He said yes.

I almost cried, because it was such a weird place for me to ask for what I wanted and even weirder for me to receive that for which I asked.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and thedoor will open to you." Matthew 7:7

I don't know why I was so worried.

So anyway, this Saturday the 14th we'll be the big group of people gathered outside Fado's early in the morning and then running around like crazy people all over downtown. It should be GREAT!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Sacramento television station KCRA reported that, after putting a stop sign in, the crew came back to the road to paint the stop sign on the pavement. But they misspelled the word "stop," a Stockton resident said.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

With my dad living so far away, I have to plan a way to celebrate Father's Day in advance. Sometimes it's hard, because of the history between us, to convey my feelings on Father's Day. The card shops never have the right card for my sentiments. If I get a generic card, I always feel like I'm not being entirely truthful.

He wasn't there for me when I was growing up.He wasn't the ideal male figure in my life.He wasn't the man who I looked up to for Mr. Fix-it help or youth sports coaching.

At some point, I decided to forego the traditional Hallmark cards and just buy blank ones to express myself on Father's Day. Since my dad is retired, and we're still physically and somewhat emotionally distant, I really falter on gift-giving decisions too. I mean, the ties are irrelevant now and I must've given him at least a hundred golf balls over the years.

This year, I went the edible route. There is a cookie shop that delivers all across the country. It's called Cookies By Design and they have cookies for all occasions. You can choose as few as a 3 cookie bouquet to 7 or 9 cookie bouquets. They are totally adorable!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

This coming week is Vacation Bible School at church. They do VBS at night (which I think is an AWESOME idea) and thought that if they added a dinner element beforehand, it might make everything less stressful for all involved.

Cooking, I can do. Bible teaching, not so much. So, using the gifts that God has given me, I volunteered to organize and prepare the pre-VBS dinner, each night. It's looking like there may be around 40 kids, and some of them have parents who will come eat, too. So, I may be cooking for the masses.

The VBS theme is a carnival type atmosphere, and the suggestions I received were hamburgers, hot dogs, etc. Of course, I was thinking pizza, lasagna, anything that would be easy to prepare for a LOT of people.

Then I realized that Handsome and I already had plans, away from church, for the first two of the three nights of VBS. Which means, we couldn't actually be there to cook for anyone. Hmmm, this would be interesting.

Crock pots to the rescue! I am borrowing three crocks from three girlfriends to accomplish this much cooking for this many people.

The first night, we are making sloppy joes. Lots of sloppy joe mix (in two crock pots), buns, chips and fruit. Done.The second night will be corn dogs (in the oven), mac n cheese (in one crock pot) and fruit. Done.The third night we will make a taco bar with taco meat (in two crock pots), shells, cheese, lettuce and tomatoes. Done!

After reading Stephanie's blog, I realized that there should be no fear in relying on a crock pot for three dinners in a row. Stephanie has made a New Year's Resolution to use her crock pot every day in 2008. She has some delicious recipes, I literally drool over them!

So, with a lot of prayer and a little luck, I'll come out of VBS week unscathed and those kids (and parents) will hopefully not go hungry!

Friday, June 6, 2008

In her series of posts about parenting and the adult child, Moxie listed several bullet points which I have broken down into separate posts. Please see this post and this post to understand what the heck I'm talking about.

If I take steps to setting some boundaries, do I have a way to check myself so I don't get guilted or manipulated into abandoning those boundaries just to keep peace or win approval?

Boundaries used to be a BIG issue with me. For a long time, I would revert to the five year old self whenever I was around my dad. I felt stupid and clueless, clumsy and not at all like the bright, young, intelligent being I was. At some point, I experienced some enlightenment and decided that I NEEDED some boundaries so that I would not feel like an idiot whenever I saw him, or talked on the phone. What I use most to check myself on these boundaries is my own conscience. If it doesn't feel right, it ain't working. I am very true to myself and know without a doubt when I am being guilted and manipulated.

Am I prepared for short-term anger and hostility when I start to draw some boundaries?

It makes me ill to negotiate my own boundaries to keep peace or win approval. I had a girlfriend in high school who ended up dating somebody that I wasn't fond of. At. All. It was really tough for me because I was very good friends with the girl, but her boyfriend frightened me. I tried to redefine our friendship to the exclusion of this man (yeah, who is manipulative now?). Finally, I laid it out there that, as much as I loved her, I wasn't willing to sacrificed my own being to continue our friendship.

Oh, yeah. THAT went over like poop in a punchbowl. She said fine, if that was how I felt, then we did not need to be friends anymore. And, as much as it hurt at the time, I got over it eventually. I never felt like I lost my integrity, and to me, that was worth more than our friendship. Because if you can't be true to yourself, how can you be true to anyone else?

Is there anyone else who knows my parent who can help me troubleshoot and back me up in my plan?

This was tough for me growing up because the only one I felt like I could talk to, who knew my dad, was my mom. Bless her heart, too, because that's a tough position to be in. Oprah once said "When you dishonor the parent, you shame the child." My mom never talked badly about my dad. She never said what a jerk he was for being, well, such a jerk! But she did console me when I needed it, and explained to the best of her ability why I felt so let down. And she always told me how proud she was of me, for choosing to be firm on my boundaries. Once I decided I was done being the victim of my past relationship with my dad, my mom was my biggest cheerleader.

Recently my mom was talking to me about me not being raised by both her and my dad. She was asking me if I felt any kind of loss by not having two parents in the same house. I told her I didn't know any different, so no, not really. She asked if I had any anger associated with her decision to leave my dad when I was young. Again, I never knew a household with my dad and my mom, so how could I compare? But she wanted to really talk about it, dig deep, and I just didn't want to go there right then. And I told her as much: "I don't want to talk about that right now." It was to the point and succinct. My mom was a little stunned, but said "Oh-kay." And that was the end of that discussion. (That's setting boundaries!)

The more I thought about it, later, I realized something big that would have been different had my parents stayed married. My relationship with my dad would have been much different. I would probably have much more trust in that relationship than I ever will now. He probably wouldn't have treated me as he did if my mom was around to bear witness, to intercede. If they were both active parents, instead of passive judges on the others' parenting, it would have changed my life tremendously. I could play the "what-if" game forever, but my life and their marriage just didn't happen like that.

This weekend we had some ground beef hanging out in the fridge. Every time I'd open the fridge door, it would sit there, looking at me, wishing I'd hurry up and make it edible. I would sidle over to the pantry, and the onions would give me their puppy dog eyes. I couldn't stand it any more.

I browned the ground beef (2 pounds) with a chopped onion and drained any fat. Half of the mixture went into a crockpot mix for another post. The other half was made into Bierocks.

Some may spell them with two "r's", some may call them Runzas, some may even call them Samosas (I like mimosas with my samosas but I get giddy over alliteration). This is my recipe and if the name of the dish has no teaser as to what's in it, it may very well get eaten!

So, you take the browned hamburger/onion mixture and you add half a head of chopped cabbage. You can totally cheat on this and use bagged cole slaw if the mere thought of chopping cabbage exhausts you and you can't find your husband to bribe to do it for you.

Cook until cabbage is soft and then you let the whole mixture cool. This is important because you will be handling it and if it's too hot, it will just frustrate you and that's all too common so don't let your food be the frustrating force in your life.

Put the cooled mix in a bowl and add shredded cheese. Your choice of cheese, I put in cheddar because it's what we had. Salt and pepper it a little and mix it up.

Take a can of refrigerated crescent rolls, or a can of biscuits, or a can of pizza dough, and pop it open. You're going to put a few spoonfuls of the beefy cheesy mixture into the biscuit round or crescent roll triangle, or if you're using the pizza dough, you can cut the dough into rectangles. Then fold it over so it's a little hot pocket and put them on your cookie sheet. Bake per the instructions on the can so the meat heats up and the dough cooks golden brown.

Yummy, good stuff. You got your meat, veggie and cheese in a hand held little pastry. Enjoy this and lots of other good eats at Randi's Recipe Box Swap!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The first four bullet points Moxie posted are the most basic, yet often, the most difficult to embrace.

What can I reasonably get from my parent?

I will change the word "get" to "expect" in the first point. When I was dealing with all my dad issues as a kid, I expected him to act like a father. I expected him to be loving and attentive, be responsible and kind, and be proud of who his daughter was. I fully expected him to be, if not like the dads I saw on TV, then at least coherent enough to interact with me.

It was not what I "got" though. What I got was a dad who was much more interested in alcohol or drugs than the few weekend visits with me he was awarded by the court. I got a dad who would willingly drop me off at a girlfriend's, or an ex-girlfriend's, so he could go get high and not have to watch parent me.

Is that enough?

If I got what I expected, it would have been enough. It would have been more than enough, compared to what I got. For years, I wanted that kind of relationship with my dad. It never happened, and I doubt it will.

If not, is there someplace else I can get that so I'm able to let go of the need to get it from my parent?

I will also interject the word "someone" else here, someone I can go to get what I want so I can let go of the need to get it from him. Absolutely. Lots of places and people. Unfortunately, the revolving door of relationships I subjected myself to over the years wasn't always the healthiest of choices. I tried out all kinds of people to see if I could experience the relationship I expected of my dad. None of them measured to my expectations.

What am I willing to give up to get something from my parent?

For a long time, I ran headstrong straight into that brick wall. I would cry and hurt and try all over again, just to have him look at me, or talk to me, or listen to me. I had the imprint of that wall on my forehead for years. Finally, I realized something. Well, several somethings.

First, he was never going to be the man I want him to be.

Second, there was no way we could go back to the times when it was the worst and he could change his behavior.

Third, me getting all worked up over everything that happened in the past and present feelings didn't effect him at all. Just me. They say resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. That was exactly what I was doing.

So I stopped. I just stopped. I realized that I had my whole life ahead of me. I grieved for the little girl I was. I felt bad for her that she never had a daddy that she could love and crawl into his lap and just be. I just tuned it all out.

So, the answer to the bullet point is nothing. Not any more. I am me, and that's enough.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Over at Moxie's site, she has done an amazing job of dissecting and discussing parenting and the adult child. Here are some bullet points I lifted from her site and would like to elaborate:

What can I reasonably get from my parent?

Is that enough?

If not, is there someplace else I can get that so I'm able to let go of the need to get it from my parent?

What am I willing to give up to get something from my parent?

If I take steps to setting some boundaries, do I have a way to check myself so I don't get guilted or manipulated into abandoning those boundaries just to keep peace or win approval?

Am I prepared for short-term anger and hostility when I start to draw some boundaries?

Is there anyone else who knows my parent who can help me troubleshoot and back me up in my plan?

These are excellent nuggets for thought. I have dealt with a lot of issues as a child and then an adult child and would like to use these points to expand on my own experience.

Full disclosure: Moxie's post was about the adult child as a parent, and I am not a parent. Her posts, however, inextricably link the adult child with her own parent, and that is the basis for my rambling.

Future posts will look at these bullet points in more detail as they have related to my own experience.

Monday, June 2, 2008

The attorneys in the offices usually have their doors open, which can lend to some awfully funny eavesdropping occurrences. Not that I ever eavesdrop, but sometimes they are just so darn loud it's tough to tune them out.

Here is a snippet of a voicemail that my boss, we'll call him Jim Jones, left for his wife, Jen.

Who I Am

I am wildly in love with my husband, and my life. I was fearfully and wonderfully created and I'm learning all I can about what that means. Every moment is an opportunity to learn, to teach and to love.