Cock Ban Looms

A BLANKET ban on cocks has been proposed as part of the government's crackdown on fucking.

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The tags will be strapped on by a big, ugly nurse

Ministers, determined to prevent the birth of thousands of new Conservative voters, are planning a series of reforms designed to eradicate penetration by 2012.

Harriet Harman, the secretary of state for genitals, told MPs: "According to the government's chief medical officer, this country is filled with people doing it.

"Many of them take part because they enjoy it. Some of them enjoy it so much they are willing to pay for it. Because of their willingness to pay for it, some people are willing to be paid for it. Apparently this has been going on for some time."

Ms Harman added: "Intercourse leaves a legacy of regret, clap and babies, as well as thousands of miserable foreign call girls and depressing Channel 4 dramas starring that chap out of Life on Mars. It is time to act.

"We can either import more cheerful prostitutes, at a cost of hundreds of millions of pounds, and run the risk of an increase in humping, or we can tackle the root of the problem – the existence of cocks."

The first stage of reform is likely to involve cock-tagging. If this is unsuccessful, Whitehall sources say cocks will be banned and men will have to urinate into a bag strapped to their waist.

The reform programme will be led by Lord Hayes, a junior health minister and former chief executive of Cock Tags and Piss Bags plc.