Khloe Kardashian’s Nipples

Are you telling me that I watched 2 hours of that insipid show – The X Factor – and I missed the nipple action.

Say it ain’t so?

Say cheesecake is fat-, calorie-, and Stairmaster-free?

Say George Clooney will stop getting more sexy with every vapid, totally delusional ingenue (who-secretly-wants-to-marry-him) that he dumps?

Say cellulite is the new black?

Say something that matters, for crissakes?!

After I saw the story in my news feed, I scoured the internet like any good geek who can type a bazillion words a minute. Only to find disappointment – so foul, so cruel.

Reporters/fauxporters/pop culture pundits [or whatever they are called] have actually gotten dumber – they don’t even know what a proper nip slip is.

Blasphemy!

[What? Not familiar with Google yet? Never met a teenage boy who could explain it to you?]

Let’s suss out the evidence.

Examine the nipple crime scene.

[This super-sleuth investigation reminds me of the great television detective, Jessica Fletcher, played by the exquisite Angela Landsbury in Murder, She Wrote. Always examining the facts. Always getting them right.]

Here is Exhibit A.

Question: Was there actually a nip slip?

Both of these criteria must be met to be considered a proper nip slip: 1) there is nip, and 2) there is slip. Otherwise, it’s just…

Nipple with no slip, which is called a – not-slip [because I just made that up.]

Also, known as – wearing a shirt.

Generally, people don’t talk about/report in the mass media not-slips because an event has not actually happened.

Also, known as nothing.

Your Honor, I rest my case! [Oops, my bad. I am not on Judge Judy. Am I? That would be so dope.]

Question: Could someone say that I borrowed money and didn’t pay you back so we could be on Judge Judy? I will totally be the idiot who keeps saying over and over, “It was a gift, not a loan, your Honor” so Judge Judy can say stuff like, “I was born smarter than you. I have socks smarter than you.” It will be fun. [Just consider it, no pressure.]

Anyway, this totally leads me to Exhibit A and a 1/2.

The nipple. The fully-clothed nipple.

Okay. Let’s play a game like on Sesame Street. It’s called The Land of Opposites.

Up is the opposite of down.

In is the opposite of out.

And fully-clothed is the opposite of saying someone’s nipple is outside of their shirt, when it is clearly in.

Your Honor, I rest my case again! [Kinda.]

Am I the only one who can see a nipple fully-covered with material?!

Has the world turned upside-down?

[Just for the record, I got this picture from Topnewstoday.com. I would never point a yellow arrow at a breast when you can totally “see” it without the yellow arrow. Duh. Also, it’s weird and a waste of PhotoShop.]

I guess some people think that a hardened nipple is the same as being partially naked. And I guess that’s fine.

Sometimes I think a hardened penis is also paper towel rack. I see one. I throw a roll of paper towels on it. It is so incredibly crazy [and convenient. Who knew?]

Now, that we are talkin’ nipple.

Allow me to dispel some nipple rumors that are running rampant [I don’t know where, but somewhere…] A hardened nipple does not have to mean something. [It’s not a test or SAT question that always has an answer.]

Sometimes I don’t even know when my nipples are hard, let alone its cause.

So it doesn’t necessarily mean I am cold or hot or happy or sad or turned on.

Or it could.

Here is a list of things that have turned me on this year:

Dan Rather. Who is 81-years-old. I don’t know why. Okay. One second he was on The Daily Show talking about working on a railroad when he was a “young man,” the next I wanted him buck naked. [I mean who says “railroad” anymore? That’s sexy.]

Random food. Usually with frosting of some kind.

The smell of leather boots.

Men picking up heavy machinery.

Soft blankets.

Starting to see the pattern? Exactly. There isn’t one.

So unless I am sitting on you naked, my hard nipple is not necessarily sexual in any way. And maybe not even then… I could just need a place to hang my hoop earrings.

Not to worry, I am sure Khloe Kardashian will be fine [even though she had to apologize for the not-slip or having nipples or something silly].

But I find it disturbing that these are the messages that the media sends out to young girls and/or women.

That not only should a woman be ashamed of a natural body function, but also, she must make efforts to conceal her womanly bits. Or she must apologize for not hiding well enough.

I once had a friend who told me she pointed her nipples downward in her bra…

Meaning she would put her large breasts in her DDD-bra, and then stick her hand in, and twist and twist her flesh until her nipple was pointing straight at the ground so it appeared that she had no nipple.

For at least 8 hours a day, her breasts was contorted in her bra.

And she was nearly 50, which seems like a great age to be super cool with one’s nipples [you know? Like your buddies and you go to the mall and braid each other’s hair and laugh about boys. Friends.]

I have really gotten to the point where I will no longer apologize for being a women.

Yes, I menstruate. My body changes for no apparent reason. My boobs, ass, hips all do weird things like they have their own personality.

Yes, I get the same pimple in the middle of my forehead [I think it thinks we’re friends or something.]

Yes, I have things that stick out and jiggle and all other sorts of magic tricks.

Yes, I look like a hot mess in the morning and there’s crud in the corner of my eye.

And yes, I sweat and fart. [I try to be silent about it, but I think my ability to clench my butt cheeks has weakened.]

Yes, to everything.

But no to shame.

No to humiliation.

And no to apologies to these people and their unrealistic expectations about my breasts, my nipples and my body.