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Thursday, June 9, 2011

Gym Etiquette

This blog post is more for comedic entertainment than anything. Small apologies if this offends you (yes, only small). These are in no particular order, and I'm sure I'm leaving some out - these are just the ones that piss me off the most. Feel free to add YOUR favorites in the comments section :)

1)Don't talk on your cell phone
I really hate to break it to you, but no one gives a shit about your conversation. It's not important, and neither are you. And you get double turd points if you talk on the cell phone while doing cardio (ahem, SFGs), OR while resting on a bench in between sets. If you can carry on a conversation while doing cardio, guess what? You're doing it wrong.

2) Take a shower
I really don't care about your religion and whether or not it allows you to use deodorant. I care about my nose and its happiness. And if I'm trying to crunch out a set of heavy deadlifts, the LAST thing I want to smell is your unwashed undercarriage or your smelly, onion-y pits. And certainly not a combination of both. Have some decency. Bring soap and a washcloth to the gym and scrub that shit before you hit the floor. Scrub in between sets. Just BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING! I cannot stand people who have no regard for others.

3) Save your boobie shirts for the club
Ladies, you know who you are. And I'm not hatin'. You look good with your boobs floppin' all around, and they're nice, but seriously?????? If you need THAT much attention, your problem is in your head and it can't be solved in the gym. Go see a therapist and get your mind right. I'm there to do work, not to pick up dudes.

4) You don't own the gym
If weights/machines are free, I'm going to take them. If I don't see you on them, I'm taking them. Don't come back over to me 10 minutes after I start my circuit and say, "I was using that." I really, really don't care. You can work in with me, but you're not taking things away from me while I'm using them. That's like coming into the bathroom while I'm on the toilet and telling me you have to dookskie. Go in the sink.

5) It's called "working in"
If you're sitting on a weight bench, talking on your cell phone (please see Rule #1), talking to your friends, cleaning your nails, twirling your hair, adjusting your boobs (see Rule #3), or anything that is NOT considered working out, I'm likely going to ask you if I can work in with you. Do not tell me, "No, I'm using this." Because you're not - you're taking a break, completely NOT using the equipment. It's one of the biggest rules of gym etiquette to let others work in with you. I always allow others to work in with me - I play in the sandbox with others. People who blow off this request think they're God's gift to meatheads, and I dislike them. And, I usually tell them this and remind them of the rules.

6) Please, meatheads, lift appropriately
Biggest offenders: lat pulldown machine and leg press. If your body comes off the seat at the upper part of the movement on lat pulldowns, guess what? You're using too much weight. If you can only do partial reps of leg press with 8 plates on each side, guess what? You're using too much weight. Oh, and if you DO obnoxiously heavy stuff, re-rack your damn weights. I see this ALL the time, and only with men. Is it the extra testosterone? Is is the machismo? What is it? Do you know how ridiculous you look? And what makes it worse is when you slam the machines/weights down at the end of your 2 pathetic reps and grunt or yell really loudly, like you're a badass or something. And then you look at all the hot chicks in the room and nod your head. Really? I bet you have a really tiny ding dong.

7) You have mirrors at home.
Please don't strut, kiss your muscles, check out your ass/boobs, or flex in the mirrors at the gym. No one cares and you look silly.

8) Please learn to count
Maybe this is just an issue at my gym, but I'm very Type A, and when I see the 50s where the 15s should be, I get upset. What upsets me more is when I see someone pick up the 50s, do a few sets, and then come back to the rack, not even CLOSE to where they got their weights, and put them in the 15 spot. I mean, do you not pay attention to ANY of your surroundings? Do you not look at the 12s and 20s on either side of the now misplaced 50s and say, "Hmm, this doesn't look right"?????????? What's the deal, y'all?? Numbers are sequential, always. So, Fitness World folks, it goes 10, 12, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, etc. Please go back to kindergarten.

9) Don't stand in front of me in the mirror
If I'm doing an exercise that requires me to be VERY precise with my form, I stand in front of a mirror to make sure I'm doing it right (this is what the mirrors are REALLY for - please see Rule #7). I cannot tell you how many times someone has stepped directly in front of me to do a set of their own. This again goes back to being aware of yourself in space and in relation to others. I have a hard time deciding whether people are just THAT oblivious/dumb, or if they're just really hateful people.

10) Don't do a set DIRECTLY in front of the weight rack
How many times do you go up to the weight rack to pick up your weights, only to have someone standing a pubic-hair away from the rack, in the middle of a set. If you're an offender in this area, why do you do this? Are you the protector of the weights? Do you get a special helmet and cape for such a title? If not, I can make you one, but it will certainly have some sort of pejorative on it. People can't get to the weights, moron. I don't wait for you - I will move you aside gently and take my weights. Or, if you don't move, I will stand right next to you, as close as you are to the rack, and make it OBVIOUS that you're in the way until you do move.

Addendum to Rule #2: Dousing yourself in Axe Body Spray or any other obnoxious scent that seems to be applied with a hose to cover up your asparagus sweat and protein farts are inappropriate. They don't cover up any smells; they just mix in with bodily odors and heat and that's downright sick! More importantly, that combo meal should not linger in my space after you've walked away...twenty minutes ago!