Writer. Reader. Part-time hermit. Lol at my own one-liners. A lot. Blogging about whistling in the dark, writing for the void, living, loving, traveling the mists, and finding joy.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Roofus

So
far I find trying to put a new roof on a house akin to purchasing drugs in a
foreign country. No, I’ve never purchased drugs in a foreign country, but I’ve
seen it in movies so I feel qualified to make this comparison.

1.You
have to know somebody.

2.If
you don’t know somebody, you have to know somebody who knows somebody.

3.If
you don’t know somebody who knows somebody, you will have to google how to build
a portable meth lab put it on yourself.

4.If
you can’t put it on yourself you will have to move. I’m okay with this option,
only it turns out you can’t sell a house that needs a roof. So you are now
trapped like a pod of whales between icebergs. As much cake as you ate at your
book release party coupled with the current condition of your roof will make
this whale analogy horrifyingly accurate come February.

Fact: You need a roof
or a cave with wifi.

Being a
reader/writer/bookworm person you might try the Yellow Pages. Yeah. Good luck
with that. For starters you should stop throwing all the new phone books
directly into the recycling bin, because someday you might need a new roof and
want it. You can try using the one from the year you graduated high school.
Like I said, good luck with that. On top of that if you actually get a person
on the phone they’ll never come. Not if you live in a beautiful, yet
Deliverance-looking place. Even your friends don’t come to your house.

Fact: Most of your friends
are imaginary.

Yellow Pages Roofer
Facts

There are ones who drive their Corvettes past your house and shout a number at you from their rolled
down window. It is either the figure for college tuition to their child’s Ivy League
school or the cost of their yacht repair. Either way we both know there is no
point in them stopping.

Some of those roofers
who have been in business since your yellow pages book was current don’t need
your business. They say things like:

oI could squeeze you in spring of 2017.

oPrice? Well…(insert head scratching
here) That’s a lot of roof. I’d have to get back to you. What do you do for a
living?

oDo I have to tear off the old roof? (Are
there people who do that themselves? Or is it really optional?) Do you want me to haul
everything away? (Unless it fits into a 13 gallon kitchen bag.) Would I need to
put in one…two…three…four…five…six nails on every shingle? (Um, I’ve never done
this before, assumed you had. Go. Just go.)

oYou might be able to get another year
out of this one. (Do you really think so? I say hopefully.) Well, I wouldn’t
stake my reputation on it. You might not, especially if it snows. Are you
planning on moving anytime soon? (Hey, I already tried that one.)

S. R. Karfelt
Nicole Mason Photography

So what I’m wondering
is if anybody has actually ever SEEN somebody putting on a new roof. What proof
do we have that this actually happens? My timing is way off. My plan was to
move before the attic was full of shtuff or the house needed work done. Too
late. Anyone know a roofer who would work for all the shtuff in the attic and
autographed copies of my latest novel? Come on, somebody has to know somebody.

6 comments:

Thanks for the laugh. I needed it. People know people, so if you keep asking, someone will help you. The honest to goodness truth, however, is many people really don't want to work, so getting a job like that done by a small businessman is harder to accomplish than ever. We're currently trying the insurance company, claiming hail damage. It's worth a shot.

Danger Danger - The whole roof thing started after a bad hailstorm knocked the "stone" off the shingles. The insurance company said they don't cover that kind of hail damage. (And I argued through three supervisors.) Then they sent me a letter telling me I needed a new roof or they'd drop my coverage.Seriously.Maximum Suckage. I don't want to paint them as a villain so I won't say who they are, but their initials are State Farm.

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