The Sex Secrets of 30,000 Women

They don’t have “perfect”lady parts

The other day, I got a letter from a woman telling me she was too ashamed to be intimate with anyone because she was so embarrassed about her “crotch sweat.” I hear from hundreds of women like this each year who think their labia are too big, who think having vaginal discharge makes them undesirable, who go to extremes to have every last pubic hair removed. Let me set the record straight: Vaginas are not gross or dirty, and they do not smell or taste like fish. (If you really think yours does, you might have a vaginal infection, something very common andvery treatable.)

Actually, some of the newest research we’ve done at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, Bloomington, has looked at what we call female genital self-image: Turns out that women who feel better about how their vulva (the external parts of your genitals) looks have an easier time experiencing orgasm. But you don’t have to be a slave to Brazilian waxes—most women aren’t, our research found (about 20 percent of the women we studied don’t do any kind of hair removal,a trend some call a retrobush). And lots of men have told me that a woman with no pubic hair is a turnoff; one guy said it reminded him of his sister when they were little kids taking a bath. Keeping things neat? Fine. But stop putting so much pressure on your poor vulva to be as fashionable as your clothes or the hair on your head!

They compare themselves with porn (but you shouldn’t!)

A colleague of mine recently did a study looking at Playboy centerfolds over the course of the magazine’s nearly 60-year history. The surprising thing she found: Not only were the women getting skinnier and their breasts getting larger, but their labia have been increasingly retouched too, making it seem as if the normal woman’s vulva is perfectly petite with no inner lips. The sad result: Women who don’t fit that mold too often turn to genital cosmetic surgery as a “solution,” even when medically unnecessary. In reality—and even in the older issues of Playboy—vulvas come in all shapes, sizes and colors. And just like your eyes or feet or hands, they’re neither exactly symmetrical nor perfectly “perfect.”

They’re turned on by simpler sex

I’m all for experimenting with sex positions—it can be fun and funny (laughing in bed can bring you and your partner closer), and you might just discover some move that works for you. But I’ve heard from more than a few women who’ve landed in the ER after having had rigorous sex or doing porn-y positions they think they’re supposed to want. The truth is, any position that seems more fitting on a gym class field day—hello, wheelbarrow!—probably isn’t going to do it for you. First of all, you may be more focused on contorting your body than relaxing; also, most of these positions don’t stimulate your clitoris, which many women need in order to orgasm. I’ve done lots of historical research about sex, and there’s a good reason that, in almost all cultures around the world and throughout time, three basic sex positions have ruled: missionary (which I believe is highly underrated), woman on top, and guy behind girl. Even men, who feel pressure to bring their partners to orgasm (really, they do!), tell us that more often than not, they prefer a surefire vanilla position over something more acrobatic.

Whatever position you choose, make a point of stimulating your clitoris more—with his fingers or yours, with sex toys (see “They Have Three Secret Sex Go-tos,”), or by pressing yourself against his body. Sex will feel sexier, and you’ll be much more likely to orgasm.

They know guys have feelings too

One of the biggest secrets about men’s sexuality? They’re incredibly emotional—they want to be loved and cared for just as much as women. Not all men want that all the time, and certainly a lot of them go through periods when they’re experimenting with the physical sides of sex. But research has confirmed some interesting trends: First, the majority of men have had their most satisfying sexual experiences in a relationship, and second, touching and cuddling (yes, you read that right) are two of the biggest predictors of men’s sexual satisfaction—even more than for women. And yet so many what-guys-want stereotypes persist that many young women assume it’s sexier to act detached and keep sex casual. Based on what I hear, if you have strong emotions toward someone, you should tell him, not hide your feelings.

They have three secret sex go-tos

It’s time to treat yourself to the good-sex trifecta: a vibrator, some lubricant and condoms. The first two are far more mainstream than people realize—in a study we conducted of more than 2,000 women, more than half said they’d used vibrators. No wonder: Vibrators lead to easier orgasm, higher arousal and better lubrication. Plus, they’re fun! (Look for one with multiple speeds: We’ve found that many women prefer higher speeds, but beginners find them too powerful—and most women actually favor clitoris-stimulating “bullets” over vibrators designed to go inside you.)

And whether you’re using a vibrator or having sex, don’t be shy about busting out the lube. It’s amazing how many women in their twenties and thirties think lubricant is only for menopausal women—but as our new research confirms, lube makes sex more pleasurable, comfortable and satisfying for anyone. Water-based lube is less messy, but silicone is longer-lasting (just don’t use that kind at the same time as silicone sex toys; it can damage them).

As for condoms, lots of people are shocked to hear they can make sex more enjoyable for young women and guys, too. But it’s true: They not only provide a sense of safety and security for women, but guys (especially younger guys) are also often able to last longer with one. Plus, they don’t have to worry about risky, messy, ruin-the-moment “pull out” situations.

They know porn is not the enemy

Many women I’ve surveyed take guys’ use of porn very personally. Once and for all, I want you to know that men’s porn use is not about you. It’s an escape from real life, not a replacement for it, and it doesn’t mean anything negative about you. That’s it. (That said, if your boyfriend regularly prefers masturbating to porn over having sex with you, or if he has a taste for illegal porn, consider that a red flag.)

They’ve uncovered the biggest aphrodisiac

I was just rereading Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, which Alfred Kinsey, the father of sex research, published in 1948, and something he said then still holds true: Sleeping enough, eating well and getting exercise are the best aphrodisiacs. I hear from so many women who stay up too late, let their gym membership expire and eat junky meals because they’re convenient. They let themselves get run down and then wonder why their sex lives aren’t satisfying. But getting a good night’s sleep just may help your sex life more than expensive lingerie ever can. And that may be the most important thing my research has revealed: That good sex isn’t about crazy positions, topiary pubic hair or being the girl who has sex “like a guy.” It’s about taking good care of—and being kind and patient with—yourself.

The Sex Advice That Works for Everyone

Make a naughty reading list.

Hot reads can give you ideas and get you physically and mentally excited before you enter the bedroom. Poems by Pablo Neruda are loving but also sexy. Or try woman-oriented erotica, like the short-story collection Caught Looking.

Let them hear you.

By moaning when something feels good, you’re giving your partner feedback about what’s working and what isn’t. I hear from guys all the time about how much they love their partner’s sounds.

Get tested.

Women tell me getting tested for STDs with their partner makes sex hotter and free of inhibitions. Many feel safer and more cared for when they know their partner took that extra step to respect their health.

Cop a (fully clothed) feel.

Touching each other (rubbing your partner’s head, stroking his neck) is so underrated in terms of leading to better sex. Those kinds of taken-for-granted touches make people feel adored, like they’re really being doted on in a rare way.

Go sloooow.

Men want you to orgasm. So if, like most women, it takes you 15 to 20 minutes during sex, they’re willing to wait. And your chance for an orgasm doesn’t have to end once he’s had one; keep things going (with his fingers, sex toys or through oral sex) until you’re done. You’ll both be happier for it.