Matter Jokes

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

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A soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter.

“I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn’t go too well”, he sighed.

“What happened?”, his buddy asked.

“Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I...

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A man walks up to a steaming heap of brown matter..

He stops. "Sure looks like shit to me", he mumbles to himself.

He bends down, and with his nose next to it, he takes a deep breath. ""Sure smells like shit to me", he says.

He gently pushes three fingers deep into the brown matter. "Darn sure feels like shit to me", he exclaims.

...

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I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

Inspired by a church sign that read “Tell someone that they matter”

I pulled my daughter aside and said to her in my most sincere voice: “Unlike energy, you occupy space and possess rest mass.”

My wife told me length doesn’t matter, but I caught her cheating on me with some guy named Pythagorus.

I knew the moment our paths crossed my life would take a different trajectory.

Just wasn’t expecting it to end in a love triangle. I guess I didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

No matter what vacuum cleaner you buy

They all suck

What do you call an elephant who doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

I always say it's not the size that matters.

Probably why I lost my job at the shoe shop.

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My girlfriend said it didn't matter that I have a small penis.

So it's not a big thing for me either.

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

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I used to always say that size doesn’t matter.

But when I learned that my wife had a small penis it changed my mind

No matter how hard you push the envelope

it will always remain stationery.

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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My girlfriend dumped me because I have a weird nickname for my penis.

I guess I have to take Matter into my own hands.

I keep a picture of my wife and kids at my work desk that way no matter how bad a work day gets

I'll always be reminded how much worse it is at home and keep me working late.

Italian Police are told to give tickets to anyone, no matter how important

One morning, the Pope comes out of the Vatican and decides he wants to go for a drive. The Pope calls for a limousine, but when it arrives he tells the driver to get in the back, he’s going for a ride.

As he blasts down the road in his limousine he speeds past two motorcycle officers. One of ...

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This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "What's the matter?"...

"I found out my brother is gay"

The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?"

"I found out that my son is gay."

The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiske...

A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"

Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop seeing him."

"What happened next?" probes Petya.

And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream wher...

No matter how hard I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers...

...the cashier keeps on putting them back.

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

It doesn't matter how badly you want to, you just can't fight Destiny...

Because then you'd have to fight the bouncers and the other strippers too.

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I marveled at my handiwork of my latest creation: a fence made entirely from fecal matter

It was a quality shitpost

I am unable to stop swearing no matter how much I try

It truly is a curse.

Whats the word from which no matter how many letters you remove, it still remains the same?

Postman, ha gotcha

'I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ' said my friend

'oh come on, it's just one move at the start of the game' I responded as I took his Knight.

Position matters most

Three pregnant women are at a clinic having a chat about their future children.

The redhead says "i was on top so I'm having a girl!"

The brunette replies with "I was on the bottom so I'm going to have a boy"

The blonde hears this and begins to think about things then suddenly...

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Size Doesn't Matter

Why can't guys be like girls and just accept the size of things.

When it's a girl it's like:

"OMG your tits are Amazing"

when it's a guy:

"Yo, WTF bro you have tits"

What do you call a fart that doesn't matter?

A moot poot.

No matter what, there is one sure way to make me throw up...

by playing darts towards the ceiling.

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No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

What does anti-matter do?

never mind, it doesn't matter.

Helium excimers are no laughing matter...

Even if their formula is HeHe

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

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TIL size doesn't matter.

Chicks will always scream through their lungs no matter how big the cockroach in their rooms is.

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes!

Edit 2: #10!

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

Which dinosaur was the expert judge in matters of taste?

The Connoissaur

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.

.

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Beauty is just a matter of timing: In 1970s America I would’ve been ridiculed for having a hairless chest. In ancient Greece I would’ve been laughed at for having a big penis.

Still waiting for that bald future all those fucking sci-fi movies promised me.

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Just bought a new sex robot with artificial intelligence. But no matter what I did, I just couldn’t get her in the mood.

I just didn’t turn her on.

No matter what happens, I can't get angry.

I guess I'm terminally chill.

3 kids are in class Atom, Molecule and Matter. Atom turns to molecule and tells him a joke. Molecule laughs so hard and asks why don't you tell Matter the joke.

Atom: he wouldn't get it, he's too dense.

It doesn’t matter what color of skin you have

Whether it’s purple, black, orange, brown, or normal.

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I sit here and realize I’m wiped from each side’s argument. It doesn’t even matter which way I roll; I still get shit. I refuse to push it any harder.

I really don’t care which way the toilet paper faces.

It doesn't matter what you post.

It is all about how you paste it.

What's big, grey, and doesn't really matter?

An irrelephant.

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I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!