I have more or less made up my mind that I am going to go and see my Dad in June. I haven’t seen him for 15 years now and have only had one phone conversation with him where I semi-confronted him, he ignored anything I said about his abusing me, and asked me to visit. He was pretty shaky and scared on the phone. He has never contacted me in all the years.

I don’t want him to die without seeing him, all I really want is to see him and stay in my adult self and hold on to my own reality, its not about confrontation or forgiveness. I want to get copies of childhood photos as I don’t have any and despite asking my siblings they didn’t send them. I also want to walk in the landscape I loved growing up. If he does get angry and start denying everything I will tell him that there is no point in trying to convince me as I was there and hopefully that will shut him up. I expect he will make small talk, offer food and basically behave as though there is nothing unusual about my visit. I plan to be there for about an hour each day for 2 days. The small talk may be hard to stomach but I don’t feel any desire to get into anything real with him. He was a terrible frightening bully as I was growing up, but he is an old man now and I have nothing to fear anymore. I am hoping that the worst that will happen is that I go numb to get through it.

The hardest part will be dealing with my siblings, from the one I see they don’t want me going back there ‘causing trouble’. They will no doubt rally to his side to ‘protect’ him. I don’t want to get into anything with them, I will give short notice and hopefully it wont be easy for many of them to be there. I feel sorry for the choice they made, but I don’t blame them, I used to feel guilty for ‘upsetting’ them and they blame me for this, its not my job to protect them from the hurt, and I’m not going to feel guilty about ‘hurting’ them anymore. Just seeing them after so long will be difficult, they will feel threatened and I expect they will want to lash out, a couple aren’t exactly mentally stable and I don’t know what they will be like, that scares me some.

I phoned ‘home’ today and my sister answered, dad hardly ever answers it would be beneath his dignity, I suspect that he was there but her in her surrogate mother role she wants to prepare him and no doubt get him to tell me not to come. The greatest crime in our family is to upset the saintly father. Her voice was stony and angry with a hint of disgust, telling me to leave my number, same as 15 years ago, I said I already gave it to him and that I would call again, when I asked when he would be back she wouldn’t say, she reacted to me as a threat that needs to be fought. I feel angry with her, Miss no life, busy keeping the family ‘happy’ and ignoring her own needs, a role she was set up for as a kid. I love her too, she knows no other life.

Should he be persuaded to tell me not to go, I will go anyway what can he do turn me away at the door, I doubt it, what if the neighbours saw.

I am scared truthfully, but I feel the need to do this and am as ready as I think I am going to be.

Rustam:I know how scary this stuff is. AFter I sent my letter to my parents, it took about a year for my dad to send a letter of apology for not being there to protect me. We made peace with each other and actually had a chance to rebuild a relationship before he died. My mother was a different story. She refused to speak to me up until she died.

My brother (12 years to my senior) hasn't spoken to me since. I was informed of my mother's death more as a courtesy than anything. I wasn't able to travel at that time because I had just had back surgery. My brother never even gave me the courtesy of asking if there was anything of my father's that I would want of sentimental value. My parents had sold their home to live with my brother years ago, and I guess he used the money to buy a house - so needless to say, I wasn't informed of a will or anything of an estate. But, I believe that's going to be something my brother has to live with in his own conscience.

You may get some resistance from your sister, so just be prepared for it. Whatever the outcome, you can pat yourself on the back for having the courage to go back and face some things.

I wish you the best of luck. please keep us posted as to what happens.

Sophiesdad

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There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

Rustam - I hope that doing this will make you much stronger in the long term (confronting my demons head on has been the best thing that I have ever done for my own sanity).

Expect to feel a range of emotions whilst you are going through this, but know that by doing this you are helping yourself to heal (the wound may get a lttle more infected first, but you are helping it to heal by bringing the puss to the surface where it can drain off).

Best wishes ...RIk

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*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

Thanks Sophiesdad, Bobby, Rik and Sabooka for the support, very much appreciated, this stuff can feel so isolating and your words helped break that for me.

I phoned my dad a week ago and achieved most of what I wanted in the conversation. He was basically his old bully self, protesting his innocence and saying what a hard life he had and that he did his best etc. I remained in my adult self and said I knew what he did and what he is, he was in a rage, with a hint of fear. He insisted again and again that I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go ‘home’. I repeated that I would go home and that he couldn’t stop me, he said that he would call the police. I said fine that would be interesting, but it would take some time for them to arrive etc. He was in a bit of a hurry to get off the phone, and must be really shocked to have one of his children so blatantly disobeying his orders, something he is not used to. He was like a toothless old lion still roaring but with nothing to back it up.

I don’t expect I will go home anytime soon this feels enough for now, I like the idea of him fearing and expecting me anytime I choose.

All week I felt sick to the stomach and I was fizzing with anger, there was some shame too that I come from that family. He is as bad as I remember and that was validating and shocking at the same time, his denial was no surprise and his voice was enough to bring back just how awful it was to grow up with him. My child self was scared and was expecting some kind of punishment, that something terrible would happen. My child hopes for some remorse and maybe a little kindness from him were there and that his only agenda was control was hurtful but typical. The upside is that I slept really well this week better than in many months. It was and is painful and scary to have confronted him, at times during the week I feared that the feelings would get too intense and that it would send me into a downward spiral but I am doing good and that’s not going to happen.

The main reason you should see it is to validate your feelings and to see that family members will sometimes take sides. This is not your fault, and maybe if you see this perhaps it will help you feel a little better.

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