WHY THE LITTLE FRENCHMAN WEARS HIS HAND IN A SLING

by Edgar Allan Poe
(1850)

IT'S on my visiting cards sure enough (and it's them that's all o'
pink satin paper) that inny gintleman that plases may behould the
intheristhin words, "Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, Barronitt, 39
Southampton Row, Russell Square, Parrish o' Bloomsbury." And shud ye
be wantin' to diskiver who is the pink of purliteness quite, and the
laider of the hot tun in the houl city o' Lonon- why it's jist mesilf.
And fait that same is no wonder at all at all (so be plased to stop
curlin your nose), for every inch o' the six wakes that I've been a
gintleman, and left aff wid the bogthrothing to take up wid the
Barronissy, it's Pathrick that's been living like a houly imperor, and
gitting the iddication and the graces. Och! and wouldn't it be a
blessed thing for your spirrits if ye cud lay your two peepers jist,
upon Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, Barronitt, when he is all riddy drissed
for the hopperer, or stipping into the Brisky for the drive into the
Hyde Park. But it's the illigant big figgur that I ave, for the
rason o' which all the ladies fall in love wid me. Isn't it my own
swate silf now that'll missure the six fut, and the three inches
more nor that, in me stockins, and that am excadingly will
proportioned all over to match? And it is ralelly more than three
fut and a bit that there is, inny how, of the little ould furrener
Frinchman that lives jist over the way, and that's a oggling and a
goggling the houl day, (and bad luck to him,) at the purty widdy
Misthress Tracle that's my own nixt-door neighbor, (God bliss her!)
and a most particuller frind and acquaintance? You percave the
little spalpeen is summat down in the mouth, and wears his lift hand
in a sling, and it's for that same thing, by yur lave, that I'm
going to give you the good rason.

The truth of the houl matter is jist simple enough; for the very
first day that I com'd from Connaught, and showd my swate little
silf in the strait to the widdy, who was looking through the windy, it
was a gone case althegither with the heart o' the purty Misthress
Tracle. I percaved it, ye see, all at once, and no mistake, and that's
God's truth. First of all it was up wid the windy in a jiffy, and thin
she threw open her two peepers to the itmost, and thin it was a little
gould spy-glass that she clapped tight to one o' them and divil may
burn me if it didn't spake to me as plain as a peeper cud spake, and
says it, through the spy-glass: "Och! the tip o' the mornin' to ye,
Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, Barronitt, mavourneen; and it's a nate
gintleman that ye are, sure enough, and it's mesilf and me forten jist
that'll be at yur sarvice, dear, inny time o' day at all at all for
the asking." And it's not mesilf ye wud have to be bate in the
purliteness; so I made her a bow that wud ha' broken yur heart
altegither to behould, and thin I pulled aff me hat with a flourish,
and thin I winked at her hard wid both eyes, as much as to say,
"True for you, yer a swate little crature, Mrs. Tracle, me darlint,
and I wish I may be drownthed dead in a bog, if it's not mesilf, Sir
Pathrick O'Grandison, Barronitt, that'll make a houl bushel o' love to
yur leddyship, in the twinkling o' the eye of a Londonderry purraty."

And it was the nixt mornin', sure, jist as I was making up me mind
whither it wouldn't be the purlite thing to sind a bit o' writin' to
the widdy by way of a love-litter, when up com'd the delivery
servant wid an illigant card, and he tould me that the name on it (for
I niver could rade the copperplate printin on account of being lift
handed) was all about Mounseer, the Count, A Goose, Look- aisy,
Maiter-di-dauns, and that the houl of the divilish lingo was the
spalpeeny long name of the little ould furrener Frinchman as lived
over the way.

And jist wid that in cum'd the little willian himself, and then he
made me a broth of a bow, and thin he said he had ounly taken the
liberty of doing me the honor of the giving me a call, and thin he
went on to palaver at a great rate, and divil the bit did I comprehind
what he wud be afther the tilling me at all at all, excipting and
saving that he said "pully wou, woolly wou," and tould me, among a
bushel o' lies, bad luck to him, that he was mad for the love o' my
widdy Misthress Tracle, and that my widdy Mrs. Tracle had a puncheon
for him.

At the hearin' of this, ye may swear, though, I was as mad as a
grasshopper, but I remimbered that I was Sir Pathrick O'Grandison,
Barronitt, and that it wasn't althegither gentaal to lit the anger git
the upper hand o' the purliteness, so I made light o' the matter and
kipt dark, and got quite sociable wid the little chap, and afther a
while what did he do but ask me to go wid him to the widdy's, saying
he wud give me the feshionable inthroduction to her leddyship.

"Is it there ye are?" said I thin to mesilf, "and it's thrue for
you, Pathrick, that ye're the fortunittest mortal in life. We'll
soon see now whither it's your swate silf, or whither it's little
Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns, that Misthress Tracle is head and ears in
the love wid."

Wid that we wint aff to the widdy's, next door, and ye may well
say it was an illigant place; so it was. There was a carpet all over
the floor, and in one corner there was a forty-pinny and a Jew's
harp and the divil knows what ilse, and in another corner was a
sofy, the beautifullest thing in all natur, and sitting on the sofy,
sure enough, there was the swate little angel, Misthress Tracle

.
"The tip o' the mornin' to ye," says I, "Mrs. Tracle," and thin I
made sich an illigant obaysance that it wud ha quite althegither
bewildered the brain o' ye.

"Wully woo, pully woo, plump in the mud," says the little furrenner
Frinchman, "and sure Mrs. Tracle," says he, that he did, "isn't this
gintleman here jist his reverence Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, Barronitt,
and isn't he althegither and entirely the most particular frind and
acquaintance that I have in the houl world?"

And wid that the widdy, she gits up from the sofy, and makes the
swatest curthchy nor iver was seen; and thin down she sits like an
angel; and thin, by the powers, it was that little spalpeen Mounseer
Maiter-di-dauns that plumped his silf right down by the right side
of her. Och hon! I ixpicted the two eyes o' me wud ha cum'd out of
my head on the spot, I was so dispirate mad! Howiver, "Bait who!" says
I, after awhile. "Is it there ye are, Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns?" and
so down I plumped on the lift side of her leddyship, to be aven with
the willain. Botheration! it wud ha done your heart good to percave
the illigant double wink that I gived her jist thin right in the
face with both eyes.

But the little ould Frinchman he niver beginned to suspict me at all
at all, and disperate hard it was he made the love to her leddyship.
"Woully wou," says he, Pully wou," says he, "Plump in the mud," says
he.

"That's all to no use, Mounseer Frog, mavourneen," thinks I; and I
talked as hard and as fast as I could all the while, and throth it was
mesilf jist that divarted her leddyship complately and intirely, by
rason of the illigant conversation that I kipt up wid her all about
the dear bogs of Connaught. And by and by she gived me such a swate
smile, from one ind of her mouth to the ither, that it made me as
bould as a pig, and I jist took hould of the ind of her little
finger in the most dillikitest manner in natur, looking at her all the
while out o' the whites of my eyes.

And then ounly percave the cuteness of the swate angel, for no
sooner did she obsarve that I was afther the squazing of her
flipper, than she up wid it in a jiffy, and put it away behind her
back, jist as much as to say, "Now thin, Sir Pathrick O'Grandison,
there's a bitther chance for ye, mavourneen, for it's not altogether
the gentaal thing to be afther the squazing of my flipper right full
in the sight of that little furrenner Frinchman, Mounseer
Maiter-di-dauns."

Wid that I giv'd her a big wink jist to say, "lit Sir Pathrick alone
for the likes o' them thricks," and thin I wint aisy to work, and
you'd have died wid the divarsion to behould how cliverly I slipped my
right arm betwane the back o' the sofy, and the back of her leddyship,
and there, sure enough, I found a swate little flipper all a waiting
to say, "the tip o' the mornin' to ye, Sir Pathrick O'Grandison,
Barronitt." And wasn't it mesilf, sure, that jist giv'd it the laste
little bit of a squaze in the world, all in the way of a commincement,
and not to be too rough wid her leddyship? and och, botheration,
wasn't it the gentaalest and dilikittest of all the little squazes
that I got in return? "Blood and thunder, Sir Pathrick, mavourneen,"
thinks I to mesilf, "fait it's jist the mother's son of you, and
nobody else at all at all, that's the handsomest and the
fortunittest young bog-throtter that ever cum'd out of Connaught!" And
with that I givd the flipper a big squaze, and a big squaze it was, by
the powers, that her leddyship giv'd to me back. But it would ha split
the seven sides of you wid the laffin' to behould, jist then all at
once, the consated behavior of Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns. The likes
o' sich a jabbering, and a smirking, and a parley-wouing as he begin'd
wid her leddyship, niver was known before upon arth; and divil may
burn me if it wasn't me own very two peepers that cotch'd him
tipping her the wink out of one eye. Och, hon! if it wasn't mesilf
thin that was mad as a Kilkenny cat I shud like to be tould who it
was!

"Let me infarm you, Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns," said I, as purlite as
iver ye seed, "that it's not the gintaal thing at all at all, and
not for the likes o' you inny how, to be afther the oggling and a
goggling at her leddyship in that fashion," and jist wid that such
another squaze as it was I giv'd her flipper, all as much as to say,
"isn't it Sir Pathrick now, my jewel, that'll be able to the
proticting o' you, my darlint?" and then there cum'd another squaze
back, all by way of the answer. "Thrue for you, Sir Pathrick," it said
as plain as iver a squaze said in the world, "Thrue for you, Sir
Pathrick, mavourneen, and it's a proper nate gintleman ye are-
that's God's truth," and with that she opened her two beautiful
peepers till I belaved they wud ha' cum'd out of her hid althegither
and intirely, and she looked first as mad as a cat at Mounseer Frog,
and thin as smiling as all out o' doors at mesilf.

"Thin," says he, the willian, "Och hon! and a wolly-wou, pully-wou,"
and then wid that he shoved up his two shoulders till the divil the
bit of his hid was to be diskivered, and then he let down the two
corners of his purraty-trap, and thin not a haporth more of the
satisfaction could I git out o' the spalpeen.

Belave me, my jewel, it was Sir Pathrick that was unreasonable mad
thin, and the more by token that the Frinchman kipt an wid his winking
at the widdy; and the widdy she kept an wid the squazing of my
flipper, as much as to say, "At him again, Sir Pathrick O'Grandison,
mavourneen:" so I just ripped out wid a big oath, and says I;
"Ye little spalpeeny frog of a bog-throtting son of a bloody noun!"-
and jist thin what d'ye think it was that her leddyship did? Troth she
jumped up from the sofy as if she was bit, and made off through the
door, while I turned my head round afther her, in a complate
bewilderment and botheration, and followed her wid me two peepers. You
percave I had a reason of my own for knowing that she couldn't git
down the stares althegither and intirely; for I knew very well that
I had hould of her hand, for the divil the bit had I iver lit it go.
And says I; "Isn't it the laste little bit of a mistake in the world
that ye've been afther the making, yer leddyship? Come back now,
that's a darlint, and I'll give ye yur flipper." But aff she wint down
the stairs like a shot, and thin I turned round to the little Frinch
furrenner. Och hon! if it wasn't his spalpeeny little paw that I had
hould of in my own- why thin- thin it wasn't- that's all.

And maybe it wasn't mesilf that jist died then outright wid the
laffin', to behold the little chap when he found out that it wasn't
the widdy at all at all that he had had hould of all the time, but
only Sir Pathrick O'Grandison. The ould divil himself niver behild
sich a long face as he pet an! As for Sir Pathrick O'Grandison,
Barronitt, it wasn't for the likes of his riverence to be afther the
minding of a thrifle of a mistake. Ye may jist say, though (for it's
God's thruth), that afore I left hould of the flipper of the
spalpeen (which was not till afther her leddyship's futman had
kicked us both down the stairs, I giv'd it such a nate little broth of
a squaze as made it all up into raspberry jam.