domingo, 22 de noviembre de 2015

Saying I watched The Human Centipede 3 is inaccurate. What
should be said is that I tortured my eyeballs and polluted my brain for an hour
and a half without any goddamn reason to. Now I want to grab Tom Six by the
ankles and smack him against the wall until both legs become detached from the
rest of the pulpy, untalented mess. Just…fuck.

I’d usually bother with something akin to a synopsis, but
this abysmal piece of whale shit doesn’t even deserve that and comes as close
to having a plot as Donald Trump comes to sounding like a rational human. This
painfully shot, ridiculously overacted, unfunny waste of time took about ten
minutes to climb to the top of the list of the worst movies I’ve seen this
year, and then kept climbing like a young alpinist bent on summiting Everest on
the only good weather day of the year.

The problem with communicating how truly awful this movie is
stems from the fact that horror movies can be nauseating, vile, foul,
disgusting, dreadful, sickening, ghastly, horrific, and repugnant while still
being good movies. Not this one. This is a dreadful thing that shouldn’t have
been seen by anyone not being subjected to systematic torture for crimes
against children. The fact that the best acting in the film comes from a lady
who used to do porn should’ve been a sign, but no one paid attention and they
released it. They shouldn’t remain unpunished for this atrocious act. This
odious collection of utter garbage is the cinematic equivalent of sitting on a
red ant hill with you ass covered in honey while fellating a cactus, and
someone should be in jail for making it.

Fuck it, I’m done with any attempt at analyzing something
that was less interesting to look at than a stagnant puddle. Instead, I’ll give
you a series of lines that I’m 100% were uttered in the set of this thing at
least once:

1.“What? No, I don’t know what a script is.”

2.“There are no lines. Just tell Dieter Laser to
yell incoherently for a few minutes.”

3.“No, no, no. We’re not going for scary, smart or
funny; we just want this shit to be as obnoxious as possible.”

4.“Yes, this is edgy as fuck, dude!”

5.“This seems like a perfect idea…on acid.”

Okay, I’m done with this thing. On a scale from 1 to 10,
this was a solid “I’d rather chew on putrid meat while getting tasered than watch
three minutes of this dreadful chunk of cinematic refuse.”

sábado, 17 de octubre de 2015

Listen, I know how things become incredibly popular. First,
some idiots get together and start saying something’s really cool and then
everyone jumps on that wagon because we’re sick, lonely creatures obsessed with
fitting in and no one wants to be left out. That’s how awful wastes of time
like The Cabin in the Woods become “genius” movies and the reason why someone
like Stephenie Meyer ends up being one of the most successful authors in
history.It’s also how Mad Max: Fury
Road ends up being called the best fucking movie since the coalescing of
stardust.

Yeah, I sat down and watched the movie. As usual, the
overhypers had me expecting a cinematic experience that would make me forget
all previous cinematic experiences. In the end, while fast and entertaining, I
ended up watching a film full of weird cars and a plot thinner than rolling
paper. Basically, a renegade driver tries to save the shampoo commercial models
a bad guy on life support keeps in his cave castle for reproductive purposes.
It also has the guy from Powder playing a few weak metal riffs on a guitar that’s
also a flamethrower, but whatever.

Mad Max: Fury Road is far from boring, but there are so many
mistakes and inconsistencies that anyone calling this movie “the best movie
ever” deserves a slow, painful death. Let me break down some of them in order
to illuminate your Adam-Sandler-loving ass:

1.These motherfuckers drive for a million miles
and we don’t see a single shrub or tree. Then their truck gets stuck in the mud
and the last tree on earth is a few feet away and ready to save the day. Get
outta here with that bullshit.

2.Just like there is no flora, there is no fauna.
The world is a desert. However, after an explosion, we see some birds. Please
refer to the last sentence in the previous entry.

3.I used to help a neighbor of mine with his cars
back in the day. We had to use a special soap made with all kinds of chemicals
and sand to get the grease off our fingers. In this movie, Furiosa paints her entire
forehead twice with a fingertip full of grease and then has a clean-ish face
next morning.

4.Just like that disappearing grease bullshit,
Powder’s cousin paints his mouth and teeth with silver spray paint twice, and
that also magically disappears.

5.Are we supposed to think that you can climb into
the motor of a moving truck, tie a fucking hose, and everything is fine for
another million miles?

6.Powder’s cousin is apparently dying at the
beginning of the movie, but then he turns into a hero, runs back and forth
through the desert, and never seems to be in pain.

7.From standing up and jumping around on moving
vehicles to Cirque du Soleil employees doing weird things on moving poles
attached to cars, this movie is designed to make anyone remotely familiar with
the laws of physics or the concept of inertia cry their eyes out.

8.The movie is titled Mad Max: Fury Road and
Charlize Theron’s character is furious…and her name is Furiosa. How long did it
take y’all to come up with that one?

9.People in this movie talk like most millenials
spell on Twitter.

10.I
thought the movie had a bit of a female empowerment kinda thing going, which
was great, but y’all had to put the shampoo models in a wet t-shirt scene in
the middle of the desert, didn’t you, you dirty animals?

11.There
was a serious lack of busted tires in this movie. Apparently any juiced old
truck can win the Dakar rally.

12.How
did the removable arm with no cables work? If it was telepathically operated
and they didn’t tell us, they suck.

13.Did
most critics just kinda missed the fact that this film is a two-hour long chase
and not much more? Did the cool touches the director threw in there made
everyone skip over the fact that there’s basically one emotional character and
the rest are just folks trying to escape? Of everything folks believe in across
the globe, are we supposed to just accept that only Norse mythology survived
the apocalypse and every white, bald dude dreams of Valhalla? You guys make me
want to punch babies in the face.

14.If
they have the technology to keep people alive and make cars immortal, why the
fuck are they running around with guns that look like they were pulled out of a
bad steampunk novel?

15.The
truck is full of “guzzline,” but Max can clean his face with milk because fuck
everything and fuck lazy viewers, right? Hooray for Hollywood! I guess it works
because he grabs a red container, walks 27 miles, sets off an explosion, and
comes back, and all of that takes him about 11 seconds.
Okay, I won’t waste any more time picking this thing apart.
I’m done. This is fine entertainment if you don’t want to overanalyze what
you’re watching, but its success is less due to its merits and more due to the
fact that we’re used to Hollywood shitting in our mouths and then asking us to
applaud what they just did. Call me Furioso. Have a horrible day.

sábado, 19 de septiembre de 2015

I try not to be an asshole, but I have turned into an angry old man who constantly thinks about how my time could be put to better use. I have a lot to do/see/accomplish/listen to/write/read, and engaging in nonsense is something I'm just not willing to do any more. So, here are 25 conversation starters that make me immediately start ignoring someone, turn around, and walk away:

1. I'm not a racist, but...
2. I'm not a homophobe, but...
3. I'm not a misogynist, but...
4. I learned on NPR...
5. I was at Whole Foods/Trader Joe's getting some organic kale...
6. The new Iggie Azalea/Nicki Minaj/Usher/Jidenna is the best...
7. The problem with immigration is...
8. At my frat house...
9. Cultural appropriation and cooptation don't really exist because...
10. Poor people are poor because...
11. The Bible says...
12. I'm not a fan of books...
13. I support Trump because...
14. Dudes with man-buns are hot...
15. We were vaping and...
16. Horror/crime sucks because...
17. If you haven't seen _________, something's fucking wrong with you...
18. You really shouldn't eat meat because...
19. Abortion should be illegal because...
20. This fucking feminazi...
21. This bitch was so fucking hot...
22. Have you read James Patterson' latest?
23. I hate Mexican food...
24. Let me tell you something you don't know...
25. Black Lives Matter is stupid/racist because...

There are many more, but those 25 should be enough to make my point: I have no time for your bullshit. Have a nice day!

jueves, 20 de agosto de 2015

I’ve sold clothes, taught journalism, worked construction,
written and photographed for newspapers, trained dogs, slaved under the
Caribbean sun as a large-scale landscaping peon, and done some things for money
that are better left unsaid. What I hadn’t done before is work in a “regular”
office. You know, a place where folks wear slacks, nice shoes, and clean shirts
so they can sit in front of a computer or answer the phone all day. Torn jeans
and a black t-shirt were the nicest things I ever wore during my seven years at
UT. Hell, that was my uniform. Now all of that has changed and I’m learning to
navigate an office environment while trying to keep my soul intact and using my
sense of humor as a shield. Since I’m sure there are many out there in the same
situation, I’ve decided to share 20 things I’ve learned recently about
acceptable/unacceptable behavior in mainstream corporate America.

1.When
they ask you to dress “professionally,” they don’t mean you should wear clean jeans.
What they mean is that you should dress like you plan on being an anchor in
tonight’s news even if you’re just going to be around the same idiots you’re
around every day and already got the gig.

2.When
you’re standing around the copy machine and everyone is complaining that the
thing is a pain to work with, you shouldn’t say “I think we should carry that
fucking useless piece of shit to the roof, set it on fire, and throw it down to
the parking lot.” Apparently such language, not to mention the idea of
destructing office property, is frowned upon. When no one agrees with you,
don’t start dropping quotes from Office Space. On that same note, The Kids in
the Hall, 80s slasher flicks, and early Saturday Night Live references should
be kept out of all conversations. (Yes, I know how hard that is when you’re
next to a copy machine, but you have to try.)

3.If you
fail to dress appropriately and a coworker says you “look like a mess,” don’t
reply “I’m using my appearance to construct a visual discourse that effectively
communicates the amount of fucks I give.” Again, language seems to be somewhat
important in the workplace.

4.If a
coworker who is either too damn happy or snorts blow like a feral hog every
morning comes up to you and says “Smile, Gabino! It’s humpday!” you should not
reply “Yeah, but we’re all at the bottom of the hump, looking up at it as we
bleed out because fucking Monday chopped off our legs.” If you need to be
reminded about language, please refer to point #3.

5.Should
you walk into a bathroom and notice that there are individuals occupying both
stalls, don’t break the odd, tense silence of the place by saying “Are you two
gonna look at each other in the face when you walk out of there or just pretend
the whole simultaneous pooping thing didn’t happen?”

6.Similarly,
if you’re using the bathroom and someone else is in there, don’t start clapping
and screaming “Haha, I’m getting paid to poop right now!” Apparently most
individuals would rather take dumps and not get paid for it. Losers.

7.If you
see ice cream in the freezer in the breakroom, it’s probably for something.
Don’t eat it.

8.Hiding
work in your desk drawers is only a temporary measure. It also pisses your boss
off quite a bit.

9.When a
male coworker shows up a little late and looking a tad rough, don’t yell “Bro,
you pay her, give the donkey some water, and come to work, you fucking
slacker!” That line is not as funny as you think, especially when yelled in a
quiet office at 8:16 a.m.

10.Regardless
of their speed and performance, computers in the workplace should never be
referred to as “pathetically inadequate pieces of fucking troglodytic assjunk.”

11.When
someone calls and leaves a message for your boss, ignore their attitude and
drop everything you’re doing so you can focus on writing a detailed note. Under
no circumstances should you refer to the individual who called as “some
motherfucker” when giving your boss the message.

12.Joking
about selling drugs to kids on the side because what they’re paying you is not
enough to live is not funny and most people are gullible idiots, so don’t do
it.

13.Arguing
that a task should be given to someone else because “it’s not metal” is,
surprisingly, also frowned upon.

14.Never
ask ladies in the elevator if they farted. No one likes your sense of humor and
fart jokes should be left out of the office environment.

15.On a
related note, don’t make jokes about harassment when someone bumps into you.
People freak the hell out when you use that word.

16.The
thin Japanese guy from Special Projects who wears his pants really high has a
name. You should learn it. Stop calling him Warm Nipples whenever someone asks
about him. In fact, talk about nipples, warm or cold, should be kept to a
minimum while in the office.

17.The
importance of that people are gullible/people don’t understand your sense of
humor binomial can’t be thought of as something that can be ignored. When
someone attempts to start a conversation and asks, for example, if you have any
plans for the weekend, don’t say things like “Yoga pants and murder” or “Devouring
smoldering chunks of pig carcass and get drunk enough to forget I have to come
back to this awful joint on Monday.” You should try to say normal things like
“I’m gonna watch a shitty superhero movie” or “I’m taking my partner on a date
to an overpriced restaurant so I can stare into his/her soulless, bovine eyes
and feel my life rot inside my body.”

18.Much
like nipples, all phrases that include the words death, blood, strangulation,
maiming, or that graphically describe shovingan inanimate object up someone’s ass should be held inside until you’re
outside the building and can safely scream them inside your car or on the bus.

19.Repeatedly
stating that you can’t wait to get the fuck out of the office so you can go
home and do really important things and/or “real work” is, you guessed it,
frowned upon. Don’t say it seven times a day.

20.Upper
Management should be referred to as Upper Management. Rich, fat bastards, lazy
assholes, geriatric idiots, and all other nicknames should only be used when no
one else is around.

viernes, 24 de julio de 2015

This will be a short post because I only want to talk briefly about two related things:

1. As I rework the introduction to my dissertation, I'm once again forced to face the inevitability of positionality. I'm not a native speaker and I wasn't born in this country, but it is my home and I fully support the right of every individual to try to call it the same. Furthermore, my bilingual/multicultural background is only part of the reason I stand with blacks, browns, members of the LGBTQ community, freaks, immigrants, weirdos, and anyone else for whom Otherness is a perennial state. All the other reasons have to do with being a halfway smart person and a decent human being. People who are made to feel like they don't "fit in" are only in that situation because someone else has decided that what they do/are/stand for is "the way" and anyone who's different should be harassed and discriminated against. Fuck those people. In the words of Ruben Blades: "El planeta no le pertenece a un grupo; fue creado para que todos lo andemos." If a guy making love to a guy pisses you off or a Mexican woman with her kids crossing the border in search of a better future is something you strongly oppose, then you and I have a problem and, since I don't need any more problems and have no time to try to make you change your ways, you and your bigotry are out of my life.

2. A few people have commented on my patience lately, saying that they've never seen me engage in online arguments. Please, don't confuse my silence with indifference. I stand with the folks named above and loathe bigotry, but I decided that my time is better spent working, reading, talking to those whose company/mind/presence I enjoy, and writing than trying to change the life views of someone who wholeheartedly agrees with everything Trump says. Unfortunately, most of my Facebook friends are no longer doing their homework, and relying on them as indicators of compatibility has been an awful thing to do lately. Seriously, I "unfriended" and asshole the other day who had only shared anti-Obama/anti-immigration/racist/global-warming-is-a-lie bullshit since the day I accepted his request. The worst part? I accepted because we had 128 friends in common. Sure, I could take my discourse analysis skills and eviscerate him using facts and sense, but that would be a waste of time. Instead, I trolled him and then vanished, like a ninja with a sandwich and a movie waiting at home. I don't think the web is the place to fight bigots. If we ever meet, then that's a different story, but my free time is something I want to fill with humor, love, books, music, movies, and whatever else good people want to share with me, not thinking how bad I'd like to pop someone in the mouth repeatedly.

sábado, 20 de junio de 2015

I started writing this a few hours after I learned of the Charleston shooting, but I was too angry and sad and ended up with a lot of fucks on the page and no point. Now I'm ready to say something. You ready? Here it is: the whole thing was about racism and most people don't know how to talk about that because they're too worried about how they'll look while doing it. Furthermore, this country has a racism problem and we need to grow the fuck up and deal with it.

You see, positionality is a powerful, strange, dangerous, inevitable thing. No matter where you go, you're you, and that has an impact on everything you receive and the way you decode messages. Unfortunately, most people don't know that the positionality should play a role in everything but only rarely become everything itself, especially when dealing with Otherness.

Every time a guy comes up and starts hitting on me at the gym, I feel a nice little ego boost. I process the event through my positionality: I'm not gay, but I have no problem with anyone's sexuality, so getting hit on is something nice. What I can't do is say, for example, that I understand the shit women have to go through daily. I don't have a clue about any of that. I can't let my experience stand in for a lack of comprehension. Women, in this case, are the Other, and their struggles with harassment are something I know about, not something I fully comprehend or can say I've been through. More importantly, when women tell me about men doing and saying horrible things to them, I can't turn the conversation around and make about me because dudes hit on me a few times a month. Why? Because Otherness is about Others, not about me. I can defend/protest/ask/console/punch a disrespectful fucker in the mouth, but I can't make it about me simply because it's not.

Charleston is proof that this country is full of individuals obsessed with themselves and thus not ready to talk about racism in a way that may lead to a few solutions or at least some steps toward a better future. When I came to UT, some assholes talked about post-racial America because Obama won. I couldn't find academically acceptable ways of telling them they were wrong, so I told them they were wrong in regular talk. They got angry and started debating. It didn't take long for that argument to turn into "Shit, Gabino, you're right." Sadly, not too many people are willing to accept when they're wrong. Nine respectable victims hit the floor because a racist asshole decided they had to be killed. All of them were black. If you're black, you understand this thing completely. If you're not, you need to shut the fuck up for a while and listen.

I grew up with black folks. My great-great-grandmother was black and her parents were escaped slaves. However, my skin is brown, not black. I've had people say things about my accent and ask me if I'm in this country legally, but no one has called me the N word or said something about interracial marriage. I know what Otherness is like, but I'm only an expert at my own kind of Otherness. Homosexuals, women, Asians; we're all on the same boat, but we have to deal with different shit. The way to do that successfully is by learning, by opening our ears to each other and trying to comprehend what the other is going through. Instead of doing that, nine bodies hit the floor because of their race and some folks decide to start screaming about how Obama's gonna try to take their guns, some decide that it was a religious thing and not about race because they don't want to talk about the fact that their country's institutionalized racism is alive and well, and others rely on humor to mask the fact that any discussion about race makes them profoundly uncomfortable.

Let's burn that fucking flag and then move on. Let's talk about how black people were hung from trees not too long ago and how many of your great-great-grandparents were angry because they wanted to own blacks. Let's accept that no matter how many black thinkers, scientists, actors, musicians, authors, and athletes have helped shape this young nation into what it is today, they're still stuck on the ugly side of Otherness. Let's talk about how we have KKK and Aryan Brotherhood members all around the country like a case of herpes that won't go away so we just ignore it. Yeah, let's talk about all that, but first, let's shut the hell up and listen to what black folks have to say. Let's read more stuff penned by blacks about this situation instead of sharing dumb shit some crazy Republican said. That makes us feel a little better in comparison, but contributes nothing. Let's look around and say: yeah, this was about racism and racism is a problem. Let's talk about race without getting angry every time someone says "white people." Let's accept that Others get choked to death and that someone who kills nine people isn't threatening enough to get at least beat up a little. Let's tell anyone who talks about post-racial America to quit it with the nonsense. Let's accept that brown folks and black folks and gay folks and women are not THERE yet and that when we tell ourselves we're all equal already we're just telling ourselves filthy fucking lies. Hey, I know none of that will fix things immediately, but it's a hell of a good start.

sábado, 21 de febrero de 2015

So you worked on a short story and sent it off to a place
you deemed worthy of your words. Then, after losing sleep for a few days and
checking your email 17,452 times, you received a rejection. You can do two
things about that. The first one is take the rejection, revise your work, and
submit it elsewhere. Sure, you can be a fucking punk and do that, but you’re
not a loser. The second thing, what real writers do, is reply to that stupid
editor and let them know what’s what. If you often decide to be a little bitch,
stop reading now. If you really care about being a professional, keep reading.

Still here? Awesome! Here’s what you need to do next time
you get a rejection:

1. Reply immediately. You don’t want your pain and anger to
subside. This editor hurt you and you have to swiftly hurt them back to teach
them a lesson. Make sure to get rid of all filters and use all of your
frustration to write what you will write. Drag that violent animal screaming
nonsense near your heart and let it run free. Let your feelings dictate what
you write. Don’t even check your email, just write and write and hit that send
button the second you’re done.

2. Stick and stones, remember? You want to make sure this
email gets you noticed and, more importantly, makes the editor remember you so
that the same thing won’t happen next time you submit. This means you can use
words like fucktard and asshole. Let them know how you feel and don’t pull any
punches. “I spent four days working on this, you illiterate asshat,” is a
superb way to kick things off. Also, if the name doesn’t make it obvious, do a
bit of research (always after, never before!) to find out who the editor is and
then use that to attack them on a personal level. Remember: a rejection is a
very personal attack, an attack against everything you stand for, so deal with
it accordingly.

3. Explain your story. The reason most people get rejections
is because editors don’t understand their stories. You should always tell
editors who reject you that they didn’t get it and then proceed to tell them
how fucking amazing your story is and how missing the point is something only a
dumbass would do. There is only one way to interpret a narrative, and that’s
the author’s way, so give them a thorough explanation so they understand what
they missed out on by rejecting your work.

4. Insult their publication. Don’t worry about burning
bridges or any of that pussy nonsense: tell it like it is and let them know
their rag is not even up to your standards and you only sent them something to
help them get some views. Extra points if you can name a story they recently
published and tell them how it’s a piece of shit compared to yours.

5. Mention all previous publications. Some editors don’t
know who you are (I know, that’s incredible, but it is what it is!), so include
a copy of your CV in the email. This will help them see how wrong they were and
how many other great editors dig what you do.

6. If you can find the editor on Facebook, send them a
friend request. When they accept, send them a message calling them something
horrible and then unfriend them. Asshole editor - 0 You - 1

7. If the publication has a Facebook page, drop a few nasty
comments on their posts. You don’t want them to think you’re the kind of coward
who gets rejected and whimpers away to lick the wounds; you want them to know
they messed with the wrong writer.

8. Wait a few days and submit something different to the
same publication. Then, once you’re sure they’ve seen it but right before they
have a chance to send you an acceptance, pull the story. That’ll teach them!

9. Get on Facebook and rant angrily about the rejection.
Fellow writers need to know which editors suck and everyone should be aware of
the serious issues affecting your life and mood at the moment. Remember: the
longer and angrier the post, the more likes it will get.

10. Simultaneously submit the story to seventeen venues
without revising. Face it: you’re an awesome writer and there’s no way in hell
that story could be better.

There you have it! Good luck with your next submission and always
keep in mind that you’re a mind-bogglingly good writer and anyone who doesn’t
think so deserves to die.