October

As England win in Ukraine then defeat Belarus 8-0 at Wembley, Gordon Brown calls on "hard-working families throughout Britain to get behind Fabio Capello's team". "An England victory in South Africa," the prime minister says, "would have huge benefits to our national economy, our position in the world and is just about the only bloody chance I have of winning the next election."

November

Downing Street insiders say the beleaguered PM is hoping South Africa 2010 can "be his Falklands War". To prove it Mr Brown establishes a total exclusion zone around Wayne Rooney. "Britain's enemies must know that we will defend Wayne with all our strength whatever the sacrifice required from whomsoever we pay to do it," Mr Brown says before ordering the sinking of a Spanish fishing trawler which is spotted moving suspiciously away from the England striker's Cheshire home.

December

At the World Cup draw in Cape Town England are put into the same group as North Korea. "It's perhaps – heh‑heh – ironic," says John Motson, "that our Italian manager should find himself up against the country that heaped their greatest World Cup humiliation on his homeland. Let's hope it's not an omen." Motty is immediately seized by MI6 as a danger to public confidence and beaten.

January

The government make Fabio Capello the new Discipline Tsar, tasked with once again making Britain a country where men stare fixedly ahead even if you drop molten tar down their pants. He immediately brings in new laws that compel the entire population to wear blazers and ties when eating their meals, travel everywhere by luxury coach and address each other by surnames only, even if they are married. When Gordon Brown praises "Fabio for the fantastic job he has done restoring public confidence", he is made to run round Parliament Square 10 times with no shirt on.

February

Capello announces that in order to keep the public's feet on the ground he is forbidding them from jumping, hopping or lying down. The country cheers the announcement deliriously and is forced to do sit-ups for half-an-hour as punishment.

March

Megabooks Publishing announce that they have signed up the entire England squad and any other player who looks like he might be within sniffing distance of going to South Africa to write their autobiographies for a collective fee of £125m. "Not because we think England will win the World Cup, clearly there is a long way to go before that can happen... no way the finished article ... at the end of the day ... ticket ... lottery ... fear no one etc."

April

After an undercover investigation the News of the World reveals that Fabio Capello is not actually an Italian at all, but a man named Derek from Walsall who began life as a tobacconist. The effect on the England team's morale is devastating. "When he was saying this stuff in broken English in a foreign accent we thought he was brilliant," reveals Emile Heskey, "but now he is saying exactly the same stuff in his West Midlands voice it sounds rubbish."

May

Before a friendly against Tunisia John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Steven Gerrard, Wayne Rooney, Frank Lampard and Aaron Lennon all suffer broken metatarsals, while playing cricket as a pre-match warm up. In what many consider to be a watershed in post-war English culture Sir Bobby Charlton and Ian Wright announce: "I genuinely believe we have no chance whatsoever."

June

"It's winter in South Africa and these low temperatures are going to favour teams from Scandinavia, eastern Europe and the Andes," says a downbeat Clive Tyldesley as England's campaign gets under way in just the sort of light drizzle they relish in Pyongyang.