The pReview Re-viewing of..Guardians of the Galaxy!

CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)

(warning: I am not Groot.)

by Jeff Finckwritten: 7/16/2014

Release Date: August 1, 2014

Look, it would take roughly forty years to explain all of the ins and outs of this extremely complex story of vengeance and vindication.. Luckily for you, I think I can cover the whole thing in about two words: Space Avengers. (kind of.) ((okay, four words.))

Guavengers! Guassemble!

Okay, that's a bit of an oversimplification. Let's tackle this one person at a time.. And from the perspective of someone who knows absolutely zero about the comic books this movie is based on! First up, Peter Quill aka Star-Lord (Chris Pratt)! He's just some, seemingly, normal dude who became an interstellar outlaw on the run from.. Space cops.. Or something. He may also be part alien.. But, like, humanoid aliens.. Not acid-spitty, dildo head aliens. Picture Captain Kirk mixed with the kid from Treasure Planet..

But less animated, more identifiable, and.. Actually, it's just Andy from Parks & Rec in space.

Next, we have Gamora (Zoe Saldana). (Gamora, like a girls name.. Not Gemmorrah like the sister city of anal banging and apocalyptic hellfire.. No matter how many fanboys out there wish Zoe Saldana was into either of those things.) Speaking of Kirk, Gamora is a hot, green alien chick that I assume Star-Lord will make out with. Or bang out. Or not. Either way. She's a bad ass assassin (badassin?) who is out for redemption and conscience-clearing. Apparently, she doesn't really have any special powers other than being raised by the Mad Titan Thanos (aka that one guy at the end of The Avengers that every non-comics fan thought was a purple Incredible Hulk). Remember that guy? It's actually a good thing it wasn't a purple Incredible Hulk..

He's like a super angry grape. And you wouldn't like him when he's grapey. RUN OR HE'LL GRAPE YOU!

Then, there's Arthur Douglas aka Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista). Arthur was a family man on Earth when Thanos decided, "Fuck that." and murdered the shit out of him and his family because.. Actually, I don't know why. Thanos is a dick? Yeah, let's go with that. In any case, Arthur was resurrected by some mystical being and his spirit was inserted into a vengeance machine called Drax. Drax hates everything that doesn't involve killing Thanos. He's kind of like Kratos from God of War, except, you know, his story predates God of War by about thirty years. So.. He's like Kratos' daddy.

What kind of fucked family unit did I just create?!

Groot (Groot Diesel). I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot.

Yeah, man.. He's Groot.

Lastly, there's Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper). He's a racoon that talks and likes guns. There's not a whole lot more to it than that. He, also, has all the super-powers of a normal Earth raccoon, and.. You know.. He talks. And he likes guns.

I assume, also, that he hates trash cans?

Okay, so the trailer doesn't have a whole lot going on for it in the way of plot, but it does awesomely do everything else right. It mainly focuses on character introduction in the form of some fun banter between Mr. Cellophane and the voice of Darth Maul. (He was also Pete in Shaun of the Dead!) It starts off with Star-Lord snatching some mysterious orb from an alien temple, only to be caught by Korath the Pursuer (Djimon Hounsou).. Only to reveal that no one knows who the fuck this guy is.

That's CAPTAIN Jack Star-Lord.

The filler in the trailer is action packed and filled with stuff that hints at the bigger story if you're clever enough to catch it. Not to mention, the choice of Blue Swede's version of Hooked on a Feeling playing over it all just sets the entire over-arcing tone of this flick. Just perfect. At one point, there seems to be a prison break.. Probably just before the five of these anti-heroes team up. If you can get past the fact that Chris Pratt got ripped for this role, Star-Lord, in another smash-cut, looks like he got a full-body pink belly. Also, Gamora is all topless and stuff-- Not really relevant to plot, but hey, Marvel's so far ahead of DC on the women's equality front that no one will care. There's also a quick shot where blue cyborg Amy Pond is about to ruin fake-Ed Helms' day in the midst of all the characters posing their balls off in the middle of every action shot in the movie. And it all, of course, wraps up with a snarky one-liner..

A-Holes! Ass-emble!

Look, I can't front. I am not one of these people who will sit here and claim that I've been waiting for this movie since forever.. Or that I even knew there was a fucking talking raccoon in Marvel's roster until about six months ago. I did, however, do a ton of research once I saw how amazing this movie looked. And damn. This story is fantastic! And the way Marvel is tying everything together is like the work of a master painter-- Every stroke means something. It's almost disgusting how much money they're making from this craft-work. All I know is that, on August 1st, I'm going to get into my best Gamora costume, go down to the theater and assassinate some fucking nachos while I enjoy the latest comic book crack that Marvel has put out!

You're welcome, internet.

Oh! If you want to watch the unnecessarily awesome International Trailer that was released that gives everyone a better idea as to what the eff is going on.. And where I don't break anything down because of how insanely awesome it is, check that out by clicking here:

The pReview (not really) Re-viewing of..Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Click the poster for the Official Website!

CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)

(warning: Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape.. Or else.. Stuff.)(secondary warning: Not a full re-viewing.. Sorry.)

by Jeff Finckwritten: 7/7/2014

Release Date: July 11, 2014

Hey guys, remember when James Franco played God with apes!? Okay, just a quick rundown as to where we're at: A long time ago, in a galaxy that is the one we're in, but in an alternate dimension that is not the one we're in, Charlton Heston fought a bunch of super-intelligent apes with the NRA. Much later, Mark Wahlberg did the same thing with karate and dance moves.. And, most recently, James Franco started the whole cycle anew because of science!

"This ain't science.. This a muthafuckin' art! Look at my shee-it!"

Unfortunately, the side effect of James Franco doing science turns out to be the near eradication of all humans. Double-U Tee Gee, Jimmy Francs. Now, deeply weakened by the original virus that turned apes into a bunch of nerds-- now being called the Simian Flu-- the remaining humans struggle to co-exist with the now dominant species on Earth. If there's one thing I've learned about being a human most of my life, it's that peace and co-existence are two things that go together about as well as James Franco and science.

I think he's trying to impregnate science, actually.. Bad example.

I, unfortunately, couldn't write up a full pReview Re-viewing for this due to many factors, however, this movie looks fucking bad ass.. From the effects to the sheer ridiculousness of apes riding around on horses shooting machine guns.. Sons of nine thousand bitches! I just know I'm going to get way too excited in the theater and get kicked out for throwing my feces everywhere.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (204) poster, trailer and screen shots and Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) screen shots courtesy of 20th Century FoxSpringbreakers (2012) Franco courtesy of A24All credited images found on Google Searches

The pReview Re-viewing of..Transformers: Age of Extinction!

CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!(it is highly recommended to watch the trailer and THEN read)

(warning: Was anyone else disappointed this wasn't called TR4ns4MR5?)

by Jeff Finckwritten: 6/30/2014Release Date: June 27, 2014

So, straight away, I feel like I should try to catch everyone up on the Transformers' cinematic universe, from Transformers on through Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallguy, and lastly, Ozzy Osformers 3: Bark at the Moon! I'll be brief: A bunch of judgmental-ass robots from another world come down to Earth and start some shit with each other. And then Shia Lebeouf screams, "OPTIMUS!" for roughly seven hours. And somewhere in there, Megan Fox said Michael Bay was Hitler.

Oh, Megan Fox, he's not Hitler.. He just hates that people our age used to have childhoods.

The trailer kicks off for this by taking us back to Antarctica! Yeah! There, the ambiguous They find *another* Transformer in the ice and, not learning from their last mistake, decide, "Fuck it! Let's do it again!" So, Stanley Tucci and friends experiment the balls out of the alien material these big, hulking, transforming sons of bitches are made out of (metal), while Lockdown shows up and poses because of.. Reasons. Luckily, these things are.. (wait for it)

MORE THAN MEAT AND EYES! (nailed it)

Mechanic, inventor, and secret bounty hunter in the Star Wars universe, Cade Yeager (played by former funky person, Mark Wahlberg), finds and decides to rip apart a *very* rusted piece-of-shit semi that was just.. I guess, laying around somewhere? I assume that Optimus allegedly died in between movies or something? Probably in some weird, mechanical stranglebation session.

I know! I can't lay off MY robot dick when I'm in a fucked up motel room, either!

In any case, Cade and Company (worst name for a sitcom, ever, by the way) decide that it's time to get to work. However, Cade has never seen a rusted out, pile of garbage semi truck, before (apparently), and something's just not quite right, here.. Oh, and guys? I think we just found a Transformer.

Cut to Andy Samberg doing a skit where Mark Wahlberg talks to Transformers.

I will only say this once: If you are some nobody, running a family farm while moonlighting as an inventor/mechanic, and you find a decrepit seventeen year old, rotting husk of a truck, the government will find you and Kelsey Grammer will think you're harboring Optimus Prime. After what I am assuming is not his first attempt to track down Optimus, he finally hits pay-dirt! At first, O.P. Firelegs is a little hurt that, after saving the Earth THREE freaking times, people are still mad at him. Regardless, he still feels an affinity to humans and decides to stick around.

He's the hero this planet needs.. Or deserves? One of those. But not the other. Never the other.

Well, it turns out that the Decepticons are back.. Kind of. The humans are also in on it, too.. I guess. But everyone is a target. Target number one, though, is still Optimus, and Facegun Transformy-Head is out for blood. Or oil. Or whatever the fuck Transformers use for whatever the fuck blood does. (I'm not a doctor.) The guy with a gun for a face is actually called Lockdown.. He also has a hook for a hand (making it easier for him to lock things down?)! He's a bounty hunter from outer space and he's come to drag Optimus Prime back to space while the humans manufacture synthetic Transformers here on Earth to track down other Transformers while the Decepticons try to expunge humanity while the Autobots try to hide from the hunters, but simultaneously try to stop human extinction. It's all very simple, really.

Fuck you, science!

For some reason in these movies, every time there is some massive Transformer fucking shit up, Big Willy-style, there are always a smattering of humans crawling all over bejeezus and back like some extremely squishy, flesh-sacked ants. And this movie is no different! Just look at all these humans frailly running around the feet and airspace and city-spanning cables of these iron giants! In the mean time, Optimus begins to lose hope in humanity (probably because of our learning-disabled ways of constantly running about the feet, airspace, and city-spanning cables of fuck-giant robots), but Cade is there to pick his spirits up with some choice, positive wor-- Wait a minute.. Was that Transformer smoking a fucking cigar?!

What. The. Fuck.

There's some good old-fashioned Michael Bay-style action here: Lots of explosions, the good guys on the wrong end of a major ass-whooping for a while, explosions, humans kissing near explosions, family in immediate danger of explosions, and.. Holy fucking shit! Optimus Prime riding Grimlock! Sweet tits! That's a good move, though. If you want to distract an audience from what they thought they were watching, Optimus slaying his enemies while cowboying Grimlock is a good way to do it. Seriously, if there's one thing America loves, it's robots defending us while riding dinosaurs.. That are also robots.

There is so much energon in everyone's pants, right now.

Now, I know this is out.. And I know this has gotten some ROTTEN reviews, already-- Just terrible-- But despite all of that, I am still in. I, somehow, hung onto my seat for the first three and I am ready and, again somehow, willing to grip that bastard again. Plus, when I found out that this latest outing basically scrapped the entire opening trilogy and kind of rebooted itself within its own universe, imagine my excitment that what we ended up with was NOT the next logical step in where this franchise was CLEARLY heading, had they continued down their original path:

I expect that there is one lonely fan out there wondering just where in the fuck I've been and what in the fuck I've been doing lately that is non-movie trailer related. Well, I apologize but, despite my love for movies and making fun of things-- Especially movies-- I've basically just been lazy. Except for updating my art website and prepping for a solo show in Kansas City this October.. Constantly being funny and worthy of Likes and Shares on Facebook.. Wrecking fools and acting stupid on Twitter.. And starting a new Tumblr blog about ridiculous hypothetical situations.. Other than that, super lazy. That all ends right here. Right now.. Kind of. Keep coming back, though, please! In the very near future, I will have a new pReview Re-viewing of the latest Transformers movie: Age of Extinction! I'm also in the middle of writing one up for Guardians of the Galaxy, and I may have a Dawn of the Planet of the Apes review on deck!SOON.

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