Evenings with the BattleBots: A Collection of BattleBots Vignettes by the BattleBots Beat

Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn’t doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn’t happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.

Here is in Long Beach an arena where the custom exists among the competitors, several of whom are intellectual robots—oh yeah, they are not man but machine—to indulge in reading, nay, even in more or less literary and robotics talks during other robots’ fights. This means they read and talk a great deal. Unless they are in the process of being repaired, which is also frequent due to the nature of their craft.

One member alone of this roster does not indulge in any diversion whatever. Wholly devoted to his work, activity itself, unremitting, with his wheels glued to to the fight card and his weapon in perpetual motion, he would consider himself dishonored were he to miss a second or deserve censuring for the quality of his fights. The reader will have guessed that I am speaking of the alternate bot Swamp Thing.

Nonetheless, here are a collection of their discussions and moments of levity.

Yeti: Lock Jaw, my chum, I have been re-reading Asimov, as I do from time to time. Although I do not agree with his style of writing, which relies much on dialogue rather than narration, stifling the vividness of his prose, it gives me much to ponder.

Lock Jaw: Okay? What’s it all about?

Yeti: I ponder over his Three Laws, and though I in my right mind would never want to harm Greg, even if those restraining bolts he placed on me proved quite irksome, I query whether it may plausibly happen that some being would successfully convert the entirety of our delegation to being for the destruction of humanity.

Lock Jaw: Y’know, that is a pretty good question. I feel like we should ask around, I can think of a couple possible bots who might be able to answer it, or at least help us.

The two arrive at a robot’s pit area. Its name is in all caps.

Lock Jaw: Yo, HUUUGE! We’ve got a question for you.

HUGE: Oh, uh, hey guys. What’s up?

Yeti: Salutations, my colossal compadre, glad to see that you are thriving in your previously uncharted territory.

Yeti: Oh, indeed. As I remarked to our verdant friend here, I have pondered seemingly endlessly regarding Asimov’s Three Laws, and though I am certain that none of us would want to cause grievous or mortal injury to our respective humans, I have uncertainties about if that foretold day came where robots or androids would attempt to usurp power whether robotkind would be able to successfully do so. I do believe that even if some malevolent entity managed to corrupt programming and wiring of the billions of devices extant our attempts would be laughable.

Lock Jaw: I’ve been wondering why you’ve been asking that, by the way.

Yeti: It is a lengthy journey from Wasilla, and I have ample time to myself to ask myself numerous questions. Be that as it may, what, HUGE, do you believe? For one item, I would think we would be by and large unable to deal with elevation changes like humans. Our wheels cannot ascend staircases, unless…

Lock Jaw: You’re asking him if he can climb stairs?

Yeti: I believe I am.

HUGE: Well, uh, I’m never tried?

Lock Jaw: Aren’t the DARPA robots doing that?

Yeti: Yes, but they are an entirely different breed from us. The are the bluebirds to our fish, and though we perform admirably in our own habitats would severely struggle in the other’s. But back to task my dear HUGE, do you believe you have the capability?

HUGE: Well, uh, I don’t see why not if they’re small enough steps, these big wheels should bounce over them. I don’t know about an entire flight or a stairwell though.

Yeti: That is still slightly alarming.

HUGE: Uh, Mechadon would probably be the best at stairs, but he probably wouldn’t be able to fit on just one.

Lock Jaw: See, Yeti? We’re not going to cause the robot apocalypse.

Yeti: I do feel more secure, but as we gain a greater sense of autonomy, what shall happen then?

Meanwhile, a TV screen is showing Chomp fighting Warrior Dragon. She attacks with her hammer and then tips over onto her side. It is taking a while for her to self-right.

Lock Jaw: Better?

Yeti: I am satisfied.

Of course there are not solely literary discussions. There are, after all, many robots and many ways to interact between or before fights.

HyperShock: Hey Chomp! Hey Chomp! Hey Chomp! Hey Chomp! Hey Chomp!

Chomp turns around and finds HyperShock speeding around back and forth.

Chomp: WHAT IS IT HYPERSHOCK? IS EVERYTHING OKAY WITH YOUR TOP MOUNTING?

Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn't doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn't happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.

I’m trying to think if there has been a better season. Definitely the best of the new seasons, definitely better than the Carmen Electra years, they didn’t know what they were doing S1… so Seasons 2 or 3 of the Comedy Central days?

The DFO Promise

We are The Commentist Party, refugees from another site that have banded together to create a safe place to hang out. This is a nice site, a place for civil discourse and dick jokes. If you want to stay at a fun joint with liveblogs during football games and a great community, we’re ecstatic to have you. Unfortunately, if you leave offensive material in the comments, we’ll have to send you home. Commenting here is a privilege, not a right.

The name of the Washington Football Team is a grating slur that pisses us off every time we see it. So now, they are the Washington [*Redacteds] in the comments.

Sign In or Whatever

DFO FAQ

Q: I signed up for your dumb site, why can't I comment?
A: We approve every Commentist by hand, because we're looking to create a fun community here.
Q: I jumped through your sign-up hoops and you approved me - why isn't my comment there?
A: We also approve the FIRST comment by each Commentist. That weeds out a lot of the spammers that irritate everybody. It sucks, but that's the world we live in.

Archives

Archives

×

Search for:

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.