Friday, February 20, 2009

Dick CheneyAge: 67Occupation: Vice President of the United StatesAliases: Big Time, Satan, the PresidentRemarks: Goes hiding in “undisclosed locations” during times of crises. Shot friend in the face with a shotgun.Caution: Wanted for being the key architect of the Iraq War, which runs counter to the United Nations Charter’s prohibition on the use of armed force except in self-defense. Responsible for approving torture techniques and the illegal detention of prisoners in violation of international humanitarian and human rights law. Subverted democracy, ignored the Geneva Conventions and unleashed crimes against humanity in Iraq and Afghanistan. Should be considered armed and dangerous.

George W. BushAge: 62Occupation: President of the United StatesAliases: Dubya, the Vice PresidentRemarks: Used family prestige to avoid combat in Vietnam. Won the 2000 presidential election even though he lost the popular vote. Considered a puppet of neoconservative strategists.Caution: Responsible for approving torture techniques against prisoners of war. Authorized the violations of rights of individuals under the American Constitution and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Should be considered armed but not dangerous.

Donald RumsfeldAge: 76Occupation: Former Secretary of DefenseAliases: Rummy, the ProcrastinatorRemarks: Forged a close relationship with Saddam Hussein during the Iran-Iraq War (provided him with intelligence, hardware and strategic advice). Had Hussein killed two decades later for crimes committed during Iran-Iraq War.Caution: Key architect of Iraq War. Authorized torture techniques at Iraq’s Abu Ghraib prison. Breached Geneva Conventions by approving the extrajudicial execution of suspected Al-Qaeda operatives anywhere in the world.

John AshcroftAge: 66Occupation: Former Attorney General of the United StatesAliases: Chicken Legs, the SurferRemarks: Lost the 2000 Missouri Senate election to a dead man. Key supporter of the USA Patriot Act, which drastically curtailed the rights and freedoms of Americans.Caution: Authorized the use of abuse against prisoners of war in violation of international humanitarian and human rights law. Approved the use of waterboarding against terrorism suspects.