It has been a long winter for me, and my mood has been quite low at times. My favourite time of day is the early morning before anyone else is awake because it is quiet, and I can do some of my best thinking.

This morning I am pondering once again why I feel so on edge, and can't let go of negative feelings. This week I had to set a boundary... not an easy thing for me to do with words... I normally create physical boundaries by "hiding/hibernating" when I don't know how to deal with difficult situations or feelings. Since setting that boundary, i am having a struggle to let it leave my mind.

I think that in my early years, i hid my voice... it was there but i never felt safe/comfortable enough to express it. Later in life, I lost my voice...either I gave up, or it just hid for a while. Now in my mid-fifties... I am feeling more confidence, and am comfortable with who I am and what I have to say..... although... i still really struggle with what to do... using words... when what I need to express might cause disappointment or anger in someone. Being able to express myself through art is one of the greatest gifts. My confidence is easily shattered, and I have to will myself to not give in to the pattern of trying to make everyone happy.... to bear everyone's emotions, and protect them at great cost to myself.

I wish I had known earlier in life, what I know now.... but that is a dream... we are where we are. My challenge now is to learn how to express my voice when I am angry, or have other negative emotions....I can easily express myself through art... thank goodness... but I think ... to grow... I need to learn how to express myself with words instead of just hiding.

For the past 9 months, I have had the privilege of working with the students of Sun Peaks Elementary School. It has been an amazing experience for me...and has been both challenging and extremely rewarding.

The age range was from 5 - 12 years, and the classes were K/1's, 2/3's, and 4/5/6. Since, my kids are grown and out of the house.... i had to re-learn what each age group was capable of as far as motor skills, language etc... The teachers, and my daughter were wonderfully helpful with all of that. I also learned that I really am not good at class management, but I did learn a few tricks for getting everyone's attention.

So... I thought I would list the top 10 things that I have enjoyed about working with this wonderful group of kids.

1. The student's ENTHUSIASM!!!

2. Their CREATIVITY!!

3. Their ENERGY - meaning positive vibes.

4. I really enjoyed taking a look through their sketchbooks and seeing how they interpreted some of the things I had shown them.

5. Their willingness to help... carry supplies, help each other etc..

6. How the experience stretched me... and helped me come up with better language skills for teaching

7. The hugs

8. Their delight when I showed them cool things like adding running alcohol or salt to paint on canvas.

9. Their unique visions for their work.

10. My buddy Anne Elliott (retired educator), who joined me half way through the year.

The painting on the left... is a collaborative work, done by the 4/5/6 class. Each class did one of these collaborative works.... each is unique.

I have a friend named Tom, who does absolutely beautiful carvings of birds and waterfowl. He is meticulous... every feather matters, as does the correct colours from beak to feet. I have asked Tom a couple times if he would carve me a duck to paint.... he is quite reluctant as he is aware of my sense of colour and style of work. It is kind of a standing joke between us.

On occasion, people have looked at my work and asked what kind of tree is that, or what kind of flower. I think Tom has also pointed out that he can't quite figure out my birds. This is understandable as he has studied birds, and has actually written a field guide ... so accuracy is pretty important to him.

So i started to think about why I paint the way I do, and how i view the world..​I think that my trees are a celebration of trees in general, a homage to bark, and bark patterns and patterns in general .... also a celebration of the fact that there are trees. The same goes for my flowers, landscapes... pretty much anything that goes into my work.

As I am painting... (especially trees)... my mind swirls and wonders what these trees have seen... what is their history, what have they endured. I wonder about emotions.

I think i've said before that painting is an experience, and that the process of creating a piece is spiritual for me. If I had to start thinking about answering the question:

What do you paint?

I guess my best answer would be .... I paint how I see .... not what I see.

Often artists will talk about their process. I have learned that this can refer to how they come up with their work... how their ideas are formed or arrive.

Because I live in such a beautiful country, inspiration... for me, abounds. If I pass a tree with an interesting bark pattern, or notice the way the light is striking something; if I'm hiking up in the mountains and can see forever, or .... even just driving ... i begin the process of painting. ​In my mind, I go over what colours I will choose, how I will mix them... what else I will add... I call this part of the process "painting in my mind". Once I get back to my studio... I begin to sketch "thumbnails". These are small sketches that lead to the larger painting. They help you to see what works and what doesn't.... what is pleasing to the eye.

​Thumbnails are an important part of my process.

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Most of the time, i have several different ideas floating around in my mind, but this latest painting... "Where We Once Stood" ... took a while to arrive, so I thought I'd show my thought process for this particular painting, with my sketches/thumbnails.

Page 1: The idea of life and death, old and new was part of my planning for this painting. It was where I started...There are a lot of old trees and dead trees in my neck of the woods, and when i see them... they seem to have an energy... or a history that I'm curious about.

Page 2: I started thinking about the bark... yes, I know it is a bit of an obsession for me, probably because I love lines so much.

I sketch with pen/ink, pretty much never with pencil and there is something quite satisfying to me, about putting those dark lines on paper.

Page 3: More of the same.... trying to figure out orientation of the canvas, but still not satisfied with the bark issue. I know that I had an image of the bark in my mind here, but not yet able to pull it out onto the sketchbook pages. Got a bit sidetracked by some birdhouses.

Page 4: Focused more on those bark patterns... got a bit distracted by a flower and some swirls. :)

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Page 5: Finally came up with the bark and composition I wanted. I don't know where the rabbit/dog/scorpion came from... but I guess it's all part of the process... who knows maybe he will show up in a painting one day.

​So you can see... there is a lot more to painting, at least for me, than just sitting down and painting. Most times the painting you see is the result of hours of thinking, sketching, and dreaming, and planning.

So far 2016, has been a busy year for me. I have been doing some teaching in my studio for adults and kids, as well as working on an event for my local art society - ArtZone Sun Peaks.

Teaching art has been a fantastic experience for me, and although there is quite a lot of preparation involved, it is worth the feeling I get when I see how pleased my students are with what they have learned and produced at a class. It is wonderful to see someone who feels very hesitant about their artistic ability, come to life in a class.

However .... i am still battling the big "B" in my life .... balance. The balance between the physical, social, emotional, mental, and practical areas of my life is somewhat askew.

All I really want to do is paint.

The paintings continually swirl around in my mind. Often I will just zone out, or disappear in the middle of a conversation, or as I am snowshoeing, or walking with friends - ( my apologies, i know it is impolite but I have no control over this ).

I think that to have a painting in my mind, and not be able to sit down for several days and lay it down on the canvas is one of the hardest things.

The process of painting, for me, takes me to a place of inner peace, joy, and calm that nothing else can do. However, painting is not something I can squeeze into a spare hour or 15 minutes in a day ... it isn't the act of painting only... there is the importance of being in the right frame of mind, of being able to focus .... no interruptions...not easy to accomplish lately.

Bloodletting (or blood-letting) is the withdrawal of blood from a patient to cure or prevent illness and disease. Bloodletting was based on an ancient system of medicine in which blood and other bodily fluids were regarded as "humors" that had to remain in proper balance to maintain health.

For me... one of the greatest gifts art has given me is my voice. I am able to express with art far more than I am able to say with words.... I have more courage with art.

This image has been on my mind for a while.... perhaps because I have felt somewhat low lately. I realize, that I feel things intensely....joy, pain, love, grief ..... and sometimes the sadder emotions overwhelm me. When this happens I will turn to my sketch book and safely explore the darker corners of my mind. Sketching allows me to explore.... without fear.

This image is of a deep cut, that is bleeding out pain...the pain drips down through the cloud to be safely explored by the small hand reaching out to examine a single drop. I can't explain it completely, but this image gives me peace, and calm. It opens the pain up to examination.

It is a scary thing for me to share these kind of thoughts...but I don't think I am alone. I think that emotions come and go and sketching, for me, is a good way to examine them for a time, and then release them...... kind of like breathing them in and then out.

Leonardo da Vinci once said that " a painter should begin every canvas with a wash of black, because all things in nature are dark except where exposed by the light".

I found this to be a very interesting observation... especially since most of my paintings start with a black canvas. I vary it a little, sometimes using purple, blue or a dark green.. but mostly black.

I love black.

Some artists believe that you should never use black, but rather make your own black by mixing colours. I believe that you should do what works best for you. I use black gesso, and mix in purple, blue, and black fluid acrylics. This gives it a bit of a shine.

I use it to give form to the elements in my painting, and to create high contrast areas which attract the eye. It is satisfying to see a painting come to life out of a black canvas.

After being approached by a woman who wanted to know if I would be willing to give some art lessons to her son, I decided that it was something I would probably really enjoy. So, I put the word out and last evening we had our first class in my studio with 2 thoroughly enjoyable children.

Both were keen to dive right in and since we had already covered some basic drawing up at the school, I decided to start with colour theory. So ... we did a quick colour wheel and then PAINTED!! I thought that a good way to learn which colours work together, would be to just start mixing and then paint a beautiful background... which they did.... and since Halloween is right around the corner, we drew several pumpkins and then painted them on our beautiful backgrounds.

I had initial concerns that a 2 hour class might be too long, but they were completely in the zone.. so no worries there. I think my biggest challenge is that I have to do a lot of research about art and painting. I have learnt myself just by doing and experimenting, so I don't always know the right terms, or even the important rules. This is actually OK, because I am learning as well. My belief about rules is: learn them... but always feel free to break them.

This idea of having a class or simply painting with others really got me inspired and so I offered a beginner class for adults with an emphasis on creating art in a relaxed, stress-free environment that hopefully frees the participants up to try different things. I have a full class of 6 starting next Monday, and 3 on a waiting list for the next time I do this.

I'm so excited to start these classes... i cannot begin to describe how much art has changed my life, and the pure joy I get from creating art... it is going to be wonderful to share that with my class. I hope to give them more ways to see the world. :)

As a youngster, art was my favourite subject. It was the highlight of school, it was what i looked forward to the most. I continued to draw, sketch, paint, cartoon... doodle my entire life. However... if someone asked me if I was an artist, I would say no .... the image of an artist to me was someone who painted for a living... someone who everyone knew, who was famous... and wealthy. Even after I sold my first painting, I hesitated to say I was an artist .... it felt like I was claiming something I shouldn't.

I am more comfortable with it now... mostly because my image of what an artist is has changed. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and a couple conversations have really stirred the pot for me.... (the thinking pot)

In the first conversation I was talking to a friend about different artists who have passed, who were not recognized in their lifetime but who's paintings are worth millions now. She was telling me about how she enjoyed seeing how their work changed as they grew older, how they stretched ... this got me thinking.

In the second conversation, I watched a critique of an abstract painting. I liked the painting, I saw a lot in it and thought it was well done... it moved me. During the critique, it was suggested that there needed to be more contrast, that perhaps the eye was being led out of the painting etc... I was uncomfortable watching this unfold.

So....( and i hope you can see how I got here from those conversations).... I started to wonder if critiques, juries, awards etc.. perhaps limit an artist's freedom to just create art, experiment grow. I want to say that I do think there is some value in critiques... but perhaps not all paintings benefit from the rules of focal point, contrast, lines leading here and there. I fear sometimes that art becomes more about those rules of composition than about what the artist is trying to communicate. Can and do the rules of composition change over time? Should they be the first thing you think about when painting? I'm not sure... i know that I don't always think about those rules when i paint and it felt wrong to apply those criteria to this abstract... it felt like it would take away from what the artist was trying to communicate. Do you need to have a focal point it you want someone to just swim around in your painting for a while?? Sometimes all the rules of composition... make me itchy and irritable. Are they the golden standard for all eternity???? Did cavemen have composition standards of only using red or black paint, and only paintings of men hunting animals were acceptable??

Anyways.... back to my original train of thought. Artists are artists before they paint, make music, write, draw, photograph, or act. I think artists want to make sense of their world, they want to share the depths of their feelings and thoughts, and they learn and develop the skill to be able to do that. It is more than just coming up with a perfect picture... it is exploring, thinking... it is the process.

It has been an exciting autumn so far for me. It started with finding out that 3 of my paintings were accepted into the FCA - Chapter show in Kamloops.

One of the paintings - "Soul Trap" was a bit of a departure from my usual subject matter. I entered it into the show not really knowing what to expect and was very pleased to have it included along with "Bed and Breakfast" and "Along The Trail". This show runs from September 25th - October 4th at the Old Courthouse Gallery in Kamloops. The opening reception is Friday the 25th from 7-9pm. I will be doing a demo on October 3rd which is a Saturday from 1-4 at the gallery as well.

Another exciting upcoming event is the Federation of Canadian Artists Show - Scenes from Western Canada. I submitted the painting to your left - "McGillivray Creek". This is a painting of the beautiful creek that flows through Sun Peaks, and right behind my house and studio. I LOVE that creek, and it's music lulls me to sleep every night. It is VERY exciting that a little piece of Sun Peaks will be represented in this show.

The opening reception for Scenes from Western Canada is Thursday September 24th from 7-9pm at the Federation Gallery on Granville Island - one of my favourite places.So... I will be driving down to Vancouver for the reception on Thursday, then heading back to Kamloops for the reception on Friday... this is an exciting kind of busy.