A Beer to Inflate Patriots Coach Bill Belichick’s Confidence

January 23, 2015

We’re a little over a week away from our nation’s most watched sporting event. No, it’s not Olympic curling. Of course I’m speaking about the Super Bowl. Although few others are at this moment, surprisingly. Speaking about it, that is. Instead, everyone’s talking about #InflateGate. And unless you don’t own a TV or modem and/or are Amish, you know that this is a developing scandal involving the allegedly under-inflated footballs used by the Patriots in their routing of the Colts during last week’s conference championship.

You gotta feel for New England head coach Bill Belichick right about now. I mean, this is the second time that the poor fella has been accused by the league of cheating, and figures to be the second time he’s gotten caught. Zero for two, poor buddy (which is, incidentally, exactly the same as Belichick’s Super Bowl record against Eli Manning).

So let’s give the man the benefit of the doubt and assume that he’s actually been successful at cheating at least a handful of other times. Buy this man a beer! We’ve got just the one. It’s called Low Life, and it comes courtesy of Brooklyn’s own Jeppe Jarnit-Bjergsø, the Evil Twin brewmaster who’s never been accused of bad taste.

Low Life is a 5.5 percent German-style pilsner that pours hazy yellow with a big head — not unlike Coach Belichick. Presumably the over-inflated ego accounts for the under-inflated balls. But back to the beer: For a pilsner, it imparts a surprising, grassy hop characteristic, giving it an unexpected bitterness — not unlike Coach Belichick. After winning three titles, you’d think the guy could wear a smile once or twice a season.

Almost a year removed from its last release, Low Life started off strong, but seems to have lost its winning edge. As it aged throughout its career, it just doesn’t seem to finish the way it once did. Wait, are we still talking about the beer?

But of all the reasons why future Hall of Fame coach William Stephen Belichick will appreciate a frosty mug of Low Life, the beer’s low effervescence has got to take the trophy. In fact, my last pour was practically flat, and I have no knowledge as to how that could have happened.

Bill Belichick’s favorite beer is currently flowing at Tørst in Greenpoint. Select twelve-ounce bottles have been spotted at various Whole Foods throughout the city, but are rarer than a Patriots victory over the Giants in a meaningful game. So make sure to drink until you are properly filled, according to league regulations. Or not.