For once in my life, I decided to be ultra-prepared. No, not for the hurricane,
sillies. For my blog.

It’s Saturday and Sandy’s Coming (if you knew that my
mother’s name was Sandy, you’d be equally as grossed out as I was when I read that headline on Huffington Post).

I decided to go out last night, Friday, (I know, you’re
reading this on Monday, if you have power…St. Patrick’s Day if you just got
power back) after a week of the plague (see last Monday’s post) and with a
blown out back from coughing so much.
Yep. My bad back and I
decided to hit Stop & Shop for emergency supplies at 8pm. Without a
list. Without a clue.

Guess how much was left at the store. You’re right. Not much. But
what was there, I got, muthuh fukkuhz!
Here’s what I gotz.

I also went to Home Depot this morning and asked for a
generator. The man in the orange
vest laughed at me.

I also went to Sports Authority and asked for lanterns. The boy in the red shirt laughed at me.

TIME WARP

OK. It’s now
Sunday (Monday if you have power…Easter if you just got power back).

I checked facebook for some disaster prep tips and here’s
what I did today. (PS. I’ve spent
almost $400 prepping for Sandy… and by the way, today’s headline was equally as
disturbing, considering my mom’s name is Sandy).

-Turned on the extra chest freezer
-Cleaned out my refrigerator (broke my heart to throw away that jar of
something with the fuzz on top…ok… those jars of somethings)
-Went to Acme and bought more water (There was none on the shelf, but I found a
cart full of water, looked around for about 10 seconds for the cart’s owner,
grabbed a case, threw it into my cart, and ran.)
-Bought Milo (to flavor the water because I hate plain water).
-Bought 12 cans of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni and Mini Ravioli
-Bought cheese

-Bought 4 bags of Doritos (to add to the four in my closet at home)
-Bought Halloween candy (because if we run out of cheese and Doritos, I'm hitting the Peanut M&Ms, my Bitchezzz!)
-Went to AC Moore and bought 12 jars of candles (After smelling all of the
candles – the only candles that they had left – trust me, Blueberry Oatmeal
scent does not smell as tasty as the name implies… I did manage to shove an elderly woman aside and grabbed all of the lilac scented candle jars out of her wrinkled paws…and might I say, delightful!)
-Returned to Sports Authority to see if a shipment of lanterns had arrive and
was laughed at again.
-Filled gallon zip lock bags with water and froze them (this reminded me of the
time that my best friend, Marygrace, and I, on a hot summer day, when we were
way too old, took zip lock bags, filled them with water, bent over, suctioned
the bags to our heads, stood upright, and then pissed our pants looking at each
other with our hair floating up into the bags of water, a la Medusa, on top of
our heads. I would not recommend
doing this if a new neighbor just moved in next door and you are trying NOT to
set an impression that two escaped mental patient live in your house)
-Cleared the entire basement floor of everything (as my boys’ bedrooms are in
the basement, I do not care to discuss what I cleared off the
floor)
-Put water bottles and laundry detergent bottles filled with water into the
extra chest freezer (Proof that hoarding does pay off. I don't know why I don't throw empty laundry detergent bottles away. It's an illness. But an illness that came through for me.)
-Found and sanitized coolers (I’ve using one as a barrier in my yard –for six
years - so my dog couldn’t escape through the hole in the fence)
-Found the sump pump

-Talked to my Aunt Bonnie from Florida

-Emptied the water from the last storm out of the sump pump
-Replaced the hose on the sump pump with my garden hose (the original hose was
cut during the last storm because someone, frustrated that it kept kinking,
said “Why on earth would anyone need a hose this long?” The same person didn’t understand that,
by placing a shortened hose just outside the house – and not into a sink or
down the length of the driveway far away from the house– the water just seeped back into the flooding
basement)
-As the spray nozzle was corroded onto the hose, I solicited the help of my
next door neighbor (Dad) to dislodge the nozzle
-Gathered wood for my fireplace. (Now, this seems like a simple task. Given the bad back, I decided to only
gather twigs and leave the heavier logs (heh) for the kids to haul in. So, I walked across the yard carrying
an armload of twigs. Pre-tty
simple, eh? Except! Except for the moment that
I stumbled on the remnant of a dog bog, lost my balance, and pinched my left
nipple between two twigs. If you
need a little perspective on pain, imagine a long, hot needle piercing through the nip
and jolting all the way down to your nether girl part… because that's where the pain went. To Madge! And it doesn’t go away. And I sleep on my STOMACH (and nips for
matter!))

Suffice it to say, I’m having a large drink and those frozen
zip lock bags of water were needed slightly earlier than expected.