….and I am blogging. hahaha Procrastination is in my nature. It is about 2 weeks until Finals Week begins. I have no CHID final but I do have a 5-8 page paper due on June 10 as well an 8:30 Math final that morning. Chem at least is taken care of the very first day. Too bad we’re all probably going to fail it anyway, regardless of any prep we do. *sigh* Well there’s nothing I can do but try to fail better than others. hahahaah That sounds so funny. But it is indeed crunch time, not only for this quarter but for the year. The end of this year will mean applying into department and working out schematics for next year. God where did the time go? It seems that I’ve barely begun and it’s already flying past me. There are so many things to do and I’m already beginning to panic that I’ve missed out on things that don’t concern school. College courses are actually a whole lot easier than IB. I find myself slacking so much more than I did before. However, there is still certain amount of time one must spend studying. And I feel that I’ve cocooned myself so much I miss out on experiences and just living. It also doesn’t help that I’m living at home. Parentals certainly put a damper on things. Especially Asian parents. I’m very social by nature. It’s just…hard.

I know I know I know. I’m whining once again. But this is my blog and I can whine if I want to :P Ultimately I can talk all I want but it’s meaningless if I don’t actually do anything. I don’t like doing things halfass and yet…there is something holding me back. Not just my parents. Something within myself. I don’t know what it is exactly but it’s certainly there. Makes me wonder if I should throw it all away. Would that be stupid? Living life a little? I have no clue. Maybe it’s the recklessness inside me wanting to get out. I can’t hold it back any longer. This internal disquiet I have. It’s popping up more and more often. Maybe I should just angst it all out in one go. Bleed it out onto the page per say. I don’t know if that will get rid of it though. My coping methods are beginning to fail. They don’t make me feel better anymore. Or they do. But not for long enough. And I don’t know if I have time to go find another one. Great. I have this right before finals. Goody.

I’ve been blindsided. By what, I have no idea. Most likely my relationship. Sometimes I wonder why I get involved with people when I know I have some things to fix about myself. I strongly believe that one has to be stable and figure out one’s insecurities (at least somewhat) before adding another person into the relationship. Or else it’s doomed for failure. Because you’re just going to feed off of each other’s insecurities. I wonder why I persist in staying when I have all these doubts (well I know why but still). Doubts that he should probably hear but if anything I hate insecurity. Epsecially in myself. And this is insecure if I ever heard it. I do not like it. I do not like vulnerability or things associated with it. I’ve prided myself in being a strong bitch. Doing what needs to be done but never getting too involved in other people. It keeps you going. And that persona’s crumbling about me. All the barriers are falling and it’s scaring the fucking shit outta me. I don’t exactly know who I am anymore. All those dreams I hid away are awaken once again. And I don’t know if I can stay the course set out for me any longer. See? This is what happens when you let emotions take over. Confusion. Uncertainty. Vulnerability.

I never have all this when he’s around. Cuz he has the miraculous ability to silence the noise in my head. Maybe that’s why I keep him around :P And I’m not so talkative around him. It isn’t needed. I’ve been quieter lately. Externally anyway. Possibly because I’m too busy internalizing everything. I think that I need a day to just unwind. Ignore my friends, my parents, everything waiting for me. And just relax for a bit. I know that’s what my parents think I’ve been doing this entire year but trust me it’s been anything but relaxing. Socializing takes work you know. It’s not terribly obvious but it does take some effort. Everything takes work. And most of the time I’m willing to put in the work needed. However I just need the time to be left alone. To be ok with the silence that is left. I always say this but I never get it. There is always something that is calling for me. My parents. Schoolwork. Friends. But never really the one I want to call for me.

I’m afraid of that too. Because affection doesn’t manifest itself in the same way for him. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t constantly need me around. Especially since there are certain things in effect that make it harder to keep up with him. Sometimes I feel that I should let him go. Cuz it might be better for him. But I won’t do that. Because I am too selfish. Always have been and always will be. I will be selfish to the end if I need to. I would say that I need space to figure things out but its this space as of now that’s driving me crazy. I have to fill it with something. And that the moment its a haze of doubt. Space is bad. hahaha it’s giving me the room to angst. And I thought that I was done with that when I got outta high school. God. Being human sucks sometimes. You bleed. You cry. You angst. You feel pain. But you also dream. You fall in love. You survive. You live. And I guess I have to learn to live with all that.

This girl is amazing. Little but with an extremely powerful voice. She seriously has some lungs on her. I was very impressed when I first saw her on Oprah about a year or two ago. She has the talent and technique to make it far. Moreover, Oprah has totally hooked her up. Jeez. David Foster AND Dianne Warren? That’s like GUARANTEED success. That’s two of the biggest industry names EVER. I don’t care if she’s Asian and that there’s somewhat of a stigma against Asian people in the music industry. Charice will totally succeed. She already has a ton of exposure thanks to Oprah. What more can you ask for?

Usually it’s a monthly thing where I drag out the nail kit and decorate like hell. However, I just couldn’t resist capitalizing on the white nail trend right now. Also my purple french was conveniently chipping enough that I would need to remove it all and redo it anyway. So I used it as an excuse to come up with a new design. :D Of course I can’t resist doing nail art. It’s another creative outlet for me. Some people’s medium is paint or charcoal or oil pastels. Mine happens to be nail polish. hahaha And I like changing it to suit my mood at the time. I’m still on the lookout for that orange/red though. It’s summer! Which calls for brights.

It seems that I am always on the look out for the next best mascara. Most likely cuz I have short lashes. At the moment, I am quite satisfied with the DiorShow Unlimited in Azure. It’s quite striking as people aren’t used to the bright blue. It certainly makes things pop. However, while I do like the L’oreal Double Extended, it doesn’t actually do much other than being very convenient when swimming as it comes off into flakes thanks to tubing technology and won’t leave me with racoon eyes. However, again it doesn’t really do much for the lashes. I might as well not be wearing any. I do need a good basic black. But for $10 it’s good for now.

Maybelline is throwing its hat in the ring for vibrating mascaras. And better yet, it’s only $14.95. Which is cheaper than the ones from Estee Lauder and Lancome by about $20. Which is totally awesome. And from reports, it works in terms of length and color, which is what it’s advertising. Better yet, it’s WATERPROOF. Yay! For once, something that fits the bill. Too bad it’s not launching until July. HOWEVER it is available today and today only online here

It’s important to ALWAYS read ingredients to the things that go on our face and body. You’re just asking for trouble otherwise. And you’re rather naive to think that the FDA will properly regulate it. It’ll regulate some things but to make sure, read the list of ingredients. Because things like parabens (which can cause a build up of estrogen and lead to breast cancer) are slipping through the cracks. Best in Beauty, an advocacy group, has come up with a handy (if a little long) mnemonic device to help you remember the things to watch out for:

Let me tell you, it’s been quite a shock to my system failing chem. Well I haven’t actually failed but I might as well be. I knew that one day I’d have to accept that I’m only slightly better than average. I just didn’t think that it’d have to be quite so soon. Being a “good” student up until now isn’t exactly a resounding guarantee that I’d succeed past high school. But the most frustrating thing is thatI actually understand chemistry. I just can’t adapt myself to my professor’s teaching style. So I’m gonna try a new method. I know it’s a little late in the game considering finals is in three weeks, but whatever. As long as it gets me results and gives me a grade above a 3.0. Actually I’d even be happy with the 3.0. A solid B won’t exactly kill me. Anyway, new method: I’m not going to class anymore. I’m going to spend time memorizing his stupid coursepack instead, going to office hours (if only to get to know him because I actually like him as a person just not as a teacher), and just drilling it through my head until I know it. Isn’t it ironic that I tend to do better when I’m not going to class?