I decided to participate in an online Bible Study through Proverbs 31 Ministry. This study is based on the book "Anxious For Nothing" by Max Lucado. Mr. Lucado is one of my favorite authors. As I read his books they seem to be words create a tunnel to my soul. God sure works amazingly through his words!

Back to the Bible study. Now I don't normally consider myself an anxious person, though a worrier some of the times. At least, before today I didn't. As a mother I feel I have an anxiety that I always chalked up to "motherly love" or "over protectiveness" or ... you name it, I've heard it. Say what? Yes, I now know it as anxiety.

Wow! It's been a year and a half since I posted here. Time flies! Though I would love to reminisce I have something pressing on my mind and felt compelled to write. I haven't done that in a long time but when you don't have anyone to talk to about the deep things in life, cyberworld seems the next best thing.

Most people know I am an open book. There's not much I feel compelled to hold in. Today is no different.

I attended a wonderful women's conference today. Let me tell you, my heart has not been into the things of God as of late. I often feel dead and the last thing I want to do is spend a day praising God when I haven't felt Him near in a long time. That's my "flesh" speaking. My heart has more desire to move closer to God, and that's the Holy Spirit prompting me. I knew two weeks ago that if I didn't jump online and buy that ticket I would not go. Period. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41, taken out of context but so appropriate). I had invited several people as a way to push me forward but none could attend. In walks my dear friend from high school Amy. Yes, another Amy. As a side note, I've had less than half a dozen kindred spirits - bosom friends - and Amy has been one of them (yes, I'm an Anne of Green Gables fan). We just hadn't seen each other in 8 or 9 years. I was so happy to have someone to push me to do what the Spirit wanted me to do. She was used by God today for sure.

Step back a bit. This women's conference was put on by a local ministry that ministers to women. It was created and is led by one of my first youth leaders from my high school days. I didn't have a heart transformation until I was almost 16. From there, two good friends of mine, Brandi and Michelle, invited me to youth group. Both events would forever change my life. Within that youth group were some of the best people chosen to shepherd a girl like myself. My heart for God grew and was molded and formed during those two years. One woman had a profound impact on that development. I hope someday I will have the courage to thank her for her leadership during those crucial years.

Back to today. I have everything. A successful career that pays ridiculously high, a husband that works hard for our family, two children that are incredible, a house that is pretty nice, money to pay for my gardening hobby, cats, dog, family ... I have been richly blessed in so many ways. But I crave fellowship with someone that cares deeply about the things on my mind and heart, someone that has empathy and is not afraid to rebuke me in love when I act or say stupid stuff. I haven't had that in a long time, and I've been holding on to everything inside for so long that it's hardened my heart. It's made me resent God. And with that I attended this Women's conference today, hoping and praying that I would stop feeling so hardened, desperate for a connection again with God. Part of me wants to fall into His lap again, the other part wants me to reject Him and continue feeling bitter. There's this tug-a-war going on inside of me. ​

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. ~Ephesians 6:12 NLT

The conference was centered around the passage of Luke 5:1-11. It's about when Jesus takes Simon Peter's boat just off shore and teaches the huge crowds of people. He proceeds to tell Simon to set his nets further out. Simon explained to Jesus (calling Him Master) that they had spent the entire night fishing with no luck, but obediently followed Jesus's advice. His catch was over abundant! It took two boats to bring all of the fish in, and even then they were too heavy to sail. At that point Simon's address to Jesus changed from respect-of-a-teacher to recognizing Him as LORD. Jesus then said to Simon, James and John that they would now be fishers of men. They instantly left family, boats and nets (careers) behind. It's an exciting story, but one that I had never looked deeply at before. Simon was quick to obey the Lord, and received an over abundance of blessing. I loved what was said about how Simon took what he was doing which wasn't producing results and did something different which produced results and blessings - all because he said YES to Jesus. This brought me back to thoughts about my own life. I am continuing to do the same thing and not producing results. In fact I am continually becoming more and more agitated at the results. If I were to die today what would be said of me? "She was a good mom and obedient wife." While such sentiments are nice, I think of my Grandma's grave marker which will be erected very soon: "She served the Lord with all her heart." What a legacy! She impacted lives with her music and smile! She served God which was her job in this life. She knew His calling on her life and she obeyed. I don't have a legacy. I don't really have friends. My entire life is my work. A work that is boring to me with no benefit but worldly wealth. I continue doing the same thing feeling worse and worse. Some say "just quit" but to do so is to give up great medical coverage, amazing financial security, and possibly yanking my kids out of their school. It would mean giving up the ability to buy most things whenever we want and making huge cut-backs. It would mean going against what my husband wants. It all scares me and makes me uncomfortable. I'm more comfortable in my own abilities than relying on God in the unknown. It's easier to keep God at arm's length and say no than it is to say YES in blind faith. But ... when I've been so far from God for so long how do I know what's HIS voice in my heart and head and what's MY voice?

So here I sit wishing I had someone besides cyberspace to pour out my deepest longings and fears and desires. Of course I can hear you saying "pour it out to God." I will read this aloud to Him at the end, but remember that hard heart I talked about in the beginning? It's still here which makes it hard to talk or listen to Him. Of course part of my testimony from my teenage years revolves around my hard heart and anger at God, talking about how much I disliked Him for taking my best friend from this world and leaving me all alone. I spouted words like that to Him for days, maybe weeks, until my words became daily sobs and desperate cries for Him to help me in my grief. So, perhaps I should do what I did back then and tell Him exactly how I feel until all that's left is an empty heart ready to be filled up with Him.

~ The Top: Off to the Ballet! Tee in taupe. This shirt is a slick material (95% Rayon) and very light. It's slightly form fitting which will be okay after another month or two of diet and exercise ;o) I could go either way with this top. Price: $16.49

~ Necklace: Gold2arrow. This necklace seems to be made of pretty cheap material but that's never stopped me when the price is right! To be honest if I were to see this in a store I would walk right past it. It's just not appealing to me. However, when I tried it on I found I really like it. I think I'll keep it. Price: $14.99

~ Bracelet: Leather Wrap with Studs. Last month I received a wrap bracelet as well that wraps twice. This one wraps 5-6 times which to me is not as appealing. It's made of real leather and could see a number of friends wearing this. I'm just not loving it though. Price: $9.99

Conclusion: I'll be keeping the necklace, returning the bracelet, and will have to think about the top.

I decided to try another round of Stitch Fix. If you are not familiar with it go check out their website. You fill out a survey about your fashion likes and dislikes. Then you schedule for a Fix. You are assigned a fashion stylist who picks out outfits and jewelry based upon your survey and links that you give them to your pinterest board or other social media pages. They send you a box of goodies. You try on over a three day period and decide what to keep and what not to keep. Then you send back in a pre-paid package anything you didn't want. Those items you want you go to their website and check out to pay for them. That's it! So here's my current Fix:

Queensland Dolman Jersey Top

I really like this piece. It's totally flattering in all areas and hides those areas that I don't want to show off. I also have a ton of pieces that go great with it. This is a winner! Price: $48

Barry Striped Infinity Scarf

I love scarves! They add a flair to any outfit. The thing I'm not thrilled with about this one is it's puffy. It adds too much around my neck area. This item I'm sending back. Price: $28

Mira Skinny Jean - Pull On Style

Though these are the right size, they fit small. I didn't even want to take a picture in them. I like that they are pull on and really soft versus stiff like other jean material. I'm a fan, just wish they were one size bigger. I'll be sending these back. Price: $78

Concord Striped Draped Pocket Cardigan

This is a great unique piece that I've never seen. The outer part loops up to create a semi-pocket. This is really nice BUT I have so many cardigans and sweaters that I can't justify buying another. I'm sending this back as well. Price: $58

Ohio Split Neck Top - FUN2FUN

When I first saw this shirt I was not a fan. Even after trying it on once I still was not a fan. I now really like it. I like that it's not too form fitting but it doesn't make me look like a box either. I really like my jean jacket accessorized with it. This is a keeper. Price: $48

Bonus! AMAZING deal I got from Fred Meyer. This red WARM coat with a hood was a steal of a deal find. Regular $100 marked down to $50, then 70% off of that. I spent a whopping $15 on this coat! That's 85% off of the original price. Geez... I love it and figure I'll get some good use out of it next year. After winter sales are AWESOME!

Final outcome: I'm keeping 2 out of 5 items. Total cost is $96 - $20 styling fee refund = $76. I would think twice about buying these at that price in store but then again i wouldn't have looked at them to try on either. I consider this another Stitch Fix win!

What are your thoughts? I'd love to hear them! If you are interested in giving it a try use my link here by clicking on these words: Stitch Fix Website

Today I received my first Fix. I am more than just a little giddy over it. If you have never heard of Stitch Fix before, it is a monthly box of stylish goodies that your personal stylist picks out just for you based on a style profile you fill out and any pinterest boards you have on fashion. Then you have a few days to try on your items and pack up what you don't want and drop off at your mailbox or at the post office to ship back. You then pay for the items you kept via their website and leave feedback on that month's Fix so your stylist can start on choosing your next month's Fix. So simple and fun!

This month I received a jacket, two shirts, a pair of jeans, and a necklace.

The jacket was super cute but didn't fit me so I didn't take a picture of it. Here is a picture someone else took of the same jacket to give you an idea:

The brand is SKIES ARE BLUE and the name of the item is Elista Stitch Detail Quilted Coat. Totally adorable but as I said did not fit well.​The necklace I tried on with the jeans and shirt but decided it just wasn't me. You can see it in the pictures that follow. The brand is 31 BITS and it's called Zita Large Beaded Necklace.

The jeans are KUT FROM THE KLOTH and item name is Aviva Boyfriend Jean. While I couldn't find the exact jean, Kut From The Kloth is sold at Nordstroms online and the selling price of these by Stitch Fix is actually pretty comparable to other places on the internet. See pictures below with the tops.

First top is MARKET & SPRUCE Aleah Heathered V-Neck Dolman Top. It's not very thick and the V-neck is a little bit lower than I'm used to but I LOVE this top! It hides my problem areas but still gives me shape. This one is a keeper despite the price ($48).

Last item, PIXLEY Messi Lattice Neckline Knit Top is an undecided at this time. I LOVE this one as well, but at a hefty price of $68 it's just enough to make me think twice. It's a heavier material than the Dolman top and the lattice detail is spectacular but I really don't know how I would wear a bra with this. I love how it hides problem areas on my body yet is flattering. What to do... what to do...

Overall impression: My stylist really gets me. I would have kept three out of five it the cost wasn't so high. To keep both tops and the jeans would have been $184. That's an average of $61 per item. I guess I am cheap because this is more than I typically spend on new clothing. I will keep one of the tops but will be sending back everything else. I am very much looking forward to next month!

I've been getting this email daily this week for the 5 day Mom Prayer challenge. They have been really thought provoking. In fact so much so that I felt compelled to write this and confess my wrong doing. You see, I started planning my daughter's birthday a couple weeks ago. That's 5 weeks ahead of time. The invites were complete and sent 4 weeks ahead, and I'm pretty much finished with everything else with the exception of the food of course. I'll wait for a week before for that one. I've put lots of thought and love into planning a beautiful party for Hannah's 5th birthday. Why? Because I love this girl. I love her with all the love this mommy heart can muster, and I want her to feel special. Special to me and special to everyone else that will be there. She is special. I love her! So when my special day rolls around whether it is Mother's Day or my birthday, I have the desire to feel just as special, to know someone was thinking about me and planned something to make me feel extra special. Instead, most years it's a "Happy Mothers Day" or "Happy Birthday" and if I'm lucky there may be a gift of interesting kind. I remember a flower basket that was so sadly lacking with flowers that were very unattractive. And most years I want to cry. Because I wasn't thought of ahead of time, and no research went into what would I want and what would make me feel special.

BUT... what have I been focusing on so very much? ME... and what is our purpose while we live on this earth in this life? To give GLORY TO GOD in EVERYTHING that we think, say, and do. Was I shining Jesus in these thoughts and my grumpy attitude? NO! It was all about ME.

So this year, I choose to be happy and thank God for all that I have and that HE thought about me long before Mother's Day and long before each birthday, and HE gave me the best gift in the world that could make me feel special: the gift of forgiveness through the death and resurrection of His Son Jesus Christ!

If I want to do something special for these two days every year, I will plan it. I will stop hoping and expecting to feel special through other's actions. I am special to my family and I choose to embrace that. Amen!

Psalm 19:14, “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

This is my daughter Hannah, named after the prophet Samuel's mother who's great faith in a GREAT GOD resulted in HIM opening up her barren womb and giving her a magnificent son, Samuel. What an AWESOME God we serve!

This week Hannah graduated from being a Cubby at Awana (a children's Bible club) to being a Sparky! In September she'll no longer be a little girl but a big girl, moving on to an older group of kids and also, dare I type it without crying, a KINDERGARDENER! I am so proud of the young girl she is becoming. She is beyond smart and always fun, spunky, and a super fun traveler. Hannah was accepted into the Spanish Immersion kindergarden at Evergreen Christian School. We are so excited for this amazing opportunity that will be to her advantage in the years to come. And, all despite my goals of having her attend another Christian school here. Yes, I had in my mind from the day she was born which schools she would attend. God had a bigger and better plan for her though and I'm so humbled that he orchestrated a series of events to show us in a tangible way which path he wanted Hannah on. God still moves and directs us!

Now on a rabbit trail here. I have to admit my faith and commitment to Christ Jesus has been stale lately to put it mildly. I find myself running all day long until I collapse at night and realize that I didn't get to my devotional or reading the Word of God or saying a single tangible prayer. I have been horribly bad at putting God in front of me to ensure I'm walking with Him throughout the day. I feel it. I have been doing things in my own strength instead of leaning on the One that provides strength. And now, after the amazing week I have had, in awe that God is still pursuing ME.

Okay back to it, another awesome thing that happened this week was I received an amazing generous raise. I was not expecting such a large raise and am thankful and humbled that my amazing boss thinks I deserve it. On a side note, this did not push us into another tax bracket which I am so thankful for. We are still at almost 30% of our incomes going to taxes. Even so I'm still a little irritated at that percent. Plus sales tax, property tax, vehicle tax, air-you-breath tax... oh wait. They haven't done that one yet.

So an exciting week! Filled with blessing after undeserving blessing. I am filled with thanksgiving to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

On to meal planning. Did anyone else do a meal plan last week? I had a few things I substituted throughout the week because I was sick for the first half and couldn't eat much except bland foods. Has anyone else had that? It lasted just short of a week. I'm glad I'm better! I've lost 2 pounds this week :)

So here's my meal plan this week. I'll even put down a grocery list in case anyone else is interested in it. So here we go!

MondayBreakfast:SWEET POTATO QUICHEThis could easily provide breakfast for the entire week! However I think I will cut the recipe in half and make something else for the later half of the week. For those of us that are in a hurry in the morning, I suggest making this Sunday evening and refrigerating it. A substitution I'll be doing is less sweet potatoes and adding spinach for some greens and to make it less carbs.

Lunch:Gluten-free Pasta Salad with VegetablesThis is a delicious salad! I have started to make sure the things I make have veggies or fruit in them at all times. This one expect and delight in leftovers!

WednesdayBreakfast:Cinnamon Apple Pecan OatmealThis is one of my favorite breakfasts! I subbed in gluten free steel cut oats. To alter the recipe:1. Put 1 cup of steel cut oats into 3 cups of water and add cut-up apple and dash of salt. Bring to a boil then reduce heat and cover to simmer for 15-20 minutes2. Remove from heat and add 1 tsp cinnamon, honey and chopped pecans. Divide into two bowls and eat one and store the other for leftovers.

One new thing I've subjected my family to is a change in diet. I have a daughter that continues to grow her waist outwards (moving into the size an 8 or 10 year old wears!) and is showing signs she may have the same fight ahead of her with her weight and Ernest's health issues and my ever diminishing metabolism (love getting older don't you?) have opened my eyes that we could benefit from a change. That's not to say our diet was that horrible before BUT it could stand some improvements.

I ventured upon a challenge called The 14 day Healthy You Challenge put on by Dawna Stone. I honestly don't know much about this lady. I don't think she even has any credentials behind her to make her an expert in anything (much easier to trust a dietitian or nutritionist than someone with nothing that proves they know what they are talking about). However when i read the challenge it provided a meal plan and shopping list. And most of the recipes looked simple and doable even by me. So i joined. i'm in week 2 right now and nearing the end but I'm hooked! I dropped several pounds, my clothes feel looser, and I have a bit more energy. So I decided that meal planning with mostly whole foods is going to be are new way of life.

Now meal planning: I've always found it daunting and unrealistic for my taste. It would take me several hours on a Saturday to plan all of our meals and create a grocery list. Then I'd have to go grocery shopping. And there was most of my Saturday. Too much when I only had two days to get everything done that I can't get to during the week and have some fun too. BUT I finally found a way to make it less of a chore. I plan throughout the week and reuse recipes. And best part: I always have the ingredient I need and I don't have to think of what to eat. I don't grab unhealthy things because I don't have a plan. I now grad healthy foods. Big victory! Now to work on my closet-eating problem :\

So I thought I'd leave you with my meal plan for this week. Notice most of my recipes come from Dawna Stone's website and one or two from Eatingclean.com. There are some great recipes out there!