Alright, this is going to be some honest criticism so if you don't want to know what the reader thinks stop reading now. OK so I'm facing a couple of problems with your writing here, for starters the mainn character seems to smart to be just meeting the story here, he uses terms like flank where an actual human would use a term like thigh to describe a cutie mark. next, the main character seems to unstable, he cried an ran into the bakery hiding his face so the reader would think that oh he seems like a whimp, but then when fluttershy walked in he said that she was cutethis shows that the character is bold and apparently a little to bold beause I know the first thing that I would say to a magical talking yellow pony with wings certainly wouldnn't be "your cute." but then another problem would be that fluttershy is being to bold, granted they would sent fluttershy in but fluttershy is scared around animals like bunnies she would be absolutely terrified of something like a human walking into town, it would be very very strange for fluttershy to act in such a way. Lastly you need to break this section up more, you could make 3a chapters out of how many words you have here, as a reader if I lose my spot in this much writing, due to me accidentally hitting the back or reload button, needless to say I wouldn't be thrilled about going through all this for ten minutes. I would imagine that I missed a few more problems in here but this will give you a good start on your path to becoming a good writer.

You can argue if you want but this is what the reader is going to notice immediately

>>317071317071 I get what you are saying about the rest of it but there is no way you can complain about chapter length. I don't see why you complain about the length of a chapter. Personally, i am a pro long chapter kinna pony. My chapters average anywhere in between ten and twenty thousand words. I jusr cant help but think you were a little, butt-ish, in your "review."

>>317121317121 well I'm on mobile so when I get a text I have to exit the page and come back on to find my spot. Usually isn't a big deal if the chapters are like 5k words but more then 7k is when it is a pain in the ass

>>317060317060 In a world with dragons, parasprites, 3-headed cerberus dogs, and 4-headed hydras, I doubt a single human would draw massive amounts of attention aside from curious stares. It would probably look less strange than the previously mentioned four. But that's just my assumption.

However, one thing did bother me. Cross species romance shouldn't really be something the main character should be considering in such a short time span. I mean honestly, who falls into a world of sentient horses and thinks considers his romantic possibilities in a world of HORSE-TYPE CREATURES?

It's my belief that if any such romantic encounters were to be considered then they would only occur after a long period of isolation from any other human-esque life forms.

god dammit man. you stole my fluttershy.... but seriously... this is great. usually HiE fics always end up with god damn rainbow dash as the love interest. im glad to see somebody who shares my interest in her. 10/10!

You sir, not only hold the first real clop scene I actually have ever read / will ever read and hold the greatest Fluttershy x Human story I have read. You also hold the title for the person who I think is the most epic for doing all of the above.

haha jesus the death penalty?? thats hard core. hopefully celestia isnt an asshole. and also, is this already written out? 20,000 words in one day sounds like one hell of a lot of work to me. either way, i cant wait for the next chapter!!!

I absolutely loved the way you described the damned, so much emotion and regret from some yet envy and hate from others. Definitely and nice take on the undead! The remnant of Nightmare Moon was an intriguing idea! I had always simply assumed that the darkness was destroyed when Luna was rescued. I never thought anything more of what happened to Nightmare. Makes one think, perhaps even the darkest and vialest of creatures might just desire to be loved! Truly the power of love is a wonder to behold!

That scene in Sunny Town is almost identical to the Story of the Blanks, the slightly creepypasta game with Applebloom. All I can say is this is an extremely interesting story so far and I'm loving the 10k+ word chapters, it is a nice change of pace compared to the much shorter ones i see all the time.

Not that I'm complaining at all or anything; I kinda wish you could type fast enough to have a new chapter out by the time I finish the current one. (takes me about an hour)

I have to say, besides the fact that I find your fic good for reasons I can't put to words, I must also commend you for writing chapters of such length.

I mentioned on your profile that I would start reading it after I got off of work, I couldn't wait then and read the first 3 before going to bed. Due to the stop and go nature of working at a flea market, I don't have a lot of time to read, but nevertheless I was able to use your fic to help ease the boredom. It helps that because of the stop and go nature, reading a chapter at work can take me up to 3 hours; thus reading your fic helped avert committing suicide via boredom and for that I am supremely thankful.

I wish this fic could go on forever for some reason.

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After a trip to empty my bladder I figured out the reason.

James is eerily like myself. He and I are both pudgy, have glasses and brown hair and like animals. Also both of us don't really like to resort to violence. I also know I don't like constantly being given free stuff, it makes me feel guilty. There's way more I could describe but it's all jumbled in meh brain right now.

And even without these similarities James is a pretty likable dude from what you've written, and besides everything happening in the story progressing within a ludicrously short time all the characters are pretty in character. I haven't honestly read a part yet where I was thinking that there was no way in hell one of the girls would say what was said.