1. Vinnie ChaseMarky Mark tells an inspiring story of a man who must overcome some pretty incredible odds in order to convince people that they haven’t already seen this movie a bajillion times before – $17 million

When it happened, we really weren’t sure. We thought we saw Mindy Kaling‘s breast pop out of her dress during The Office‘s acceptance speech… we alerted friends of ours on the West Coast to see if censors caught wind of said Indian nip… we thought surelyDrudge would have a nipple-siren ablaze within the hour… and yet, it seems we were the only ones to catch Kaling’s wardrobe malfunction. And now we would like to share it with you. Best Week Ever Presents: The Most Breast NBC Will Ever Allow On the Air (now with more slo-mo!). More Emmy coverage to follow today… but for now, enjoy.

David Hasselhoff reportedly tricked his ex-wife into signing a prenup on their wedding day by telling her the papers were a marriage license. And that, my friends, is why The Hoff is qualified to judge a show titled America’s Got Talent.

Elijah Blue Allman– Cher’s son– said he was so scared of catching an STD after having sex with Paris Hilton that he scrubbed his penis with Tilex. But he was relieved they didn’t do anything that would require the use of toilet cleaner.

Leave it to Hollywood to turn our lazy summer days into one crazy-filled week. Here’s what happened:

When Paramount decided to terminate its 14-year partnership with Tom Cruise, both parties started pointing fingers in the press, resulting in one very frightening memo to Tom from Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone.

After failing to impress even the most musical-taste-challenged teenyboppers at the Teen Choice Awards, K-Fed stops bragging about his MC skills and starts bragging about his GED skills.

Team Firecrotch decided their battles would be better fought by moving Moron Headquarters from Hyde Nightclub directly to Paris Hilton’s house, where Brandon Davis also now resides.

Seeing as neither could avoid the necessity of promoting themselves to their target demographic at the Teen Choice Awards, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson’s inevitable crossing of paths turned out to be one really awkward encounter.

Troubled pop princess Britney Spears has been making pretty premature plans for her own burial, saying she wants to be buried with her dog Lucky. As the average human lives upwards of 70 years and dogs only for about 10, this means she’s either planning to keep Lucky’s corpse on ice for six decades, or she’s really trying tell us something.

In the wake of Tom Cruise being firing by Paramount Pictures for his suddenly radical approach to public relations over the past year, and the fallout’s resulting ego battle with his old boss, the biology experts over at UsWeekly took a scientific approach to identifying the physical nature of his development from Hollywood Hunk to Crazy Eyes Cruise. Nature can be scary, kids – and if we’re not careful, the next time Cruise finds his way onto a plane, it might be a whole lot muthaf*ckin’ scarier than Maverick and Iceman’s forbidden love.

NBC’s The Office might be our favorite show on television. Perfectly cast, funny, real — hard to find reasons to hate it. Well, NBC may just have found one. Looks like they’re pushing the Pam and Jim romance hardcore. Don’t get us wrong, we love the two of them (John Krasinski, call us!), and obvs cried for days during the season finale (full disclosure: our great aunt died the same night… but still.) However, when NBC tries to shove their adorableness down our throats, like in the following promo, which utlizes the soundtrack from Saving Private Ryan‘s? Let’s just say Ross and Rachel are rolling over in their ruby-lined graves.

TMZ has successfully completed another one of their classic “stalk celebrities who aren’t doing anything out of the ordinary until they have a meltdown, then use that meldown as EXCLUSIVE footage of a celebrity spinning out of control” scenarios, this time picking off easy (and campletely drunk) target Tara Reid outside of Hyde, which is the pretty much the equivalent of hunting slow-moving animals in a petting zoo with a rocket launcher. While it seems kind of cruel and unfair, it’s also fairly hard to feel that sorry for a fading starlet who stops posing for the cameras long enough to slur her way through a minute-long monologue about how unfair it is for paparazzi to harass starlets who are just innocently trying to black out again. By the time she reaches her moving climax of threatening to “kick their f*cking asses”, it’s hard to determine whether you feel more sorry for – or disgusted by – the entire situation (and the culture that’s created it).

Stereogum has live versions of two new songs from The Killers, recorded at a show in their hometown of Las Vegas, and proving that not everything that happens there stays there.

DJ Never Forget helps to make sure you remember all the fun you had this summer by compiling a pretty stellar group of songs and putting them together to create a “summer ending mix” track that you can grab over at Exitfare.

The Late Greats have “Magazine Called Sunset”, a rare Yankee Hotel Foxtrox B-Side from Wilco that sounds great, and has a wonderful recipe for lemon meringue pie.

*Sixeyes has an exclusive track from an in-store performance by The Mountain Goats. If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of 50 or so music nerds whose hearts just skipped a beat.

The Village Indian turns into Indie-ana Jones, heads to Norway, then sends back his discovery of mysterious Scandinavian bands with names like Noxagt.

We never realized it before today, but Jared Leto and Jennifer Connelly look like identical twins. They are both ghost white, raven-haired, and very, very feminine looking. It’s Finkle-and-Einhorn-steez, ya’ll.

Oh, and while we’re on the topic of Jared Leto, we want to remind everybody that he has gout. Old news? Yes. Still hilarious, though.