Friday, March 14, 2014

I Hate Writing

Well, no. Not really.

But as I'm working on this new story, I've been thinking about what an odd
thing writing is.

Not storytelling. Humans have been
telling stories to each other around the campfire since there was a campfire.
No, I’m thinking about writing itself. The craft of telling a story -- which is
unique and personal to each author.

Granted, genre fiction has always
been more about the story than the craft of telling the story, but even so.
Every author has a personal and private relationship with each story he or she
writes. We can never experience the story as the reader does. But the reader
can never experience the story as we do either.

That seems so weird to me
sometimes. Especially when discussing the book with readers.

Anyway.

I like outlines for longer works. I
know some writers feel like outlines kill spontaneity, but I don’t mean a point-by-point
chiseled-in-stone outline. I mean I like thinking the story through and writing
out the first and most obvious scenario. That’s what an outline is. You answer
most of the basic questions before you start writing.

But of course writing is an organic
process, whether you use an outline or not, and as I write, the story evolves,
changes, deepens. So a lot of those first choices change. They would anyway,
but having an outline means I’ve already done the original thinking and can
move immediately to the next level. It saves time and I think it results in a
more complex story than I would otherwise write.

But with or without an outline GOD
IN HEAVEN I find the first draft to be hell. Hell, hell, unmitigated HATE IT
hell. That first draft is torture. No
matter how short the story, no matter how long it’s been simmering, whether there
is an outline…it just doesn’t matter. It’s hell. I hate writing every word of
the first draft.

No, I mean I hate writing. Period. I always wonder all the way through the
first draft why I ever wanted to be a writer. What was I thinking?

I think part of why it’s so hard to
write a first draft is that…letting go and sinking into the story. It’s the
same thing readers do…let go and sink into the world of imagination. The
difference is the writer has to do it first. The writer has to create the world
for the reader. That first layer of imagination is the writer’s.

And it’s hard laying that
foundation. It is extremely difficult to build an imaginary universe out of
words alone, probably more so than ever in this visual age -- to create a world
convincing enough to distract the reader from her own insanely busy world, to
create characters whose fictional concerns temporarily supersede the concerns
of the real life people she knows?

I guess that’s what I struggle with
during the course of the first draft. It takes awhile before the world of my
imagination is concrete enough that I see anything but typed words when I open
the file. All that first draft I -- every writer -- struggles to black out the
real world long enough to build the structure of the story world. Brick by
brick, word by word.

And then it’s done. That horrible,
wretched, deformed mess of a first draft is lying there finished. Well, I use
the word "finished" lightly because the damn thing is barely started.

Ideally I like to just hand it off
to my editor and forget it for as long as possible. Not even think of it again.

But
then when I do finally come back to it, something has changed. It’s actually
exciting to open that file and start the rewrite. That rewrite is, well, not fun. No. But this is where the
magic happens. This is where the story comes to life. For me, I mean. Until
then, it’s just words on a page and a lot of ideas and feelings. But when the
rewrite starts, it does really change. Everything changes. I start to layer in
the, er, layers. Emotional backstory, for one. Not the who-went-to-college-where or that unfortunate
shooting incident. No, that’s mostly first draft stuff. Second draft is all emotional
backstory. The psychological nitty-gritty. Who the heck ARE these people. Really.

So many revelations, so many
layers. None of them possible until that godawful first draft is done and
complete....

52 comments:

Now, this is exciting. Does it mean a new story is ready on the stove? Bit like cooking, right? All the big preparation, the mess (even blood and sweat!) before everything is assembled and falls into place. The grander the dish, the messier the preparation. The tidying up afterward is hell, but the first taste is heaven. (At least you don’t need to do the dishes. :p) Thank you for being willing to endure the harsh draft, or we will never be able to read so many great stories!

Yes, the new stuff is definitely happening. The next few months are charted out with stories, and those stories will happen. That much I've learned. Hating the first draft has nothing to do with the final product. It is apparently normal for me to hate, hate, hate the first draft. Probably for no more complicated reason than it's hard work. ;-)

I think we all -- writers included -- tend to forget how BLOODY hard work it is -- because once the book is finished and released and sailing off into the wide world all the anguish seems to evaporate.

In fact, if the anguish shows, the writer has failed! It has to look like it was a walk in the park...while eating frosted cakes and drinking flower-flavored teas. :-D

Sometimes we forget that writing like any job or task has components that the person doing it may not like or enjoy but yet still endures to get the part the do like. I'm glad you are willing to endure that first draft because it gets you to the part I really, really like the finished story.

Oh it's definitely hard work. Which is why, though it feels like everyone is writing now days, relatively few people ever complete anything. We sometimes forget that because...yes, it's true that every possible genre is now flooded with amateurs.

But even the rank amateurs have achieved something most people can't achieve. Most people cannot write even a horrific first draft. So while I'm not saying that every amateur deserves a Lambda, I am saying every amateur who manages to actually complete a work of fiction deserves a gold star. Because it's not that easy. Or everyone WOULD do it.

I'm always grateful for your books, but now I really, truly, appreciate that you're prepared to go through all this for our benefit. I hope for your benefit too? - I don't mean the material rewards, I mean that perhaps it gets some of the voices out of your head for a while. (That sounds like an illness, but I'm referring to the ideas that swirl around, and the snatches of conversation that surface from the subconscious, etc..)

Ha. Well, you're right. Because the only part of the process that makes me doubt the process (and my very sanity) is the rough draft stage. You're completely on target about the ideas and inspiration -- and the process once we get to rewrites and edits and eventually publication.

But the first draft is like hacking granite with a stone ax. It's just a monumental task. It's almost better to just start hacking and not look ahead to how much rock there is to cleave. :-D

I would have been in favour of a more moderate title, like ''I don't like first drafts'', instead of a title awakening worries. But I suppose I might forgive you, just this time ;-).

Anyway given the number of books you've written, you do know that a beautiful story will be born from the first draft. What about concentrating on that thought instead of concentrating on the frustration of the first draft? ((luckily it is not possible for you to throw things through a monitor ;-))

It honestly continues to surprise me that the first draft continues to be such a pain. By now you would surely think that there was some short cut. But no. There is no short cut. There is no quick and painless way through a rough draft. This IS the quick and painless way!

The only comfort is that -- as you say -- I have been doing it long enough to recognize that it doesn't matter how hellish this stage is. It has nothing to do with the final result.

I'm sorry. I really laughed when I got to the 'hate' paragraph of your blog. (ok, still chuckling) I'm only able to put this into my own context, as a mom. You're saying you like it when a seed of an idea takes form. You like molding and forming that idea as it develops, watching it grow. You just don't like the messy, painful 'giving birth,' part of the process. lol. Duly noted. I wanted to backtrack on the way to the hospital myself a couple times, but once a baby, or an idea is ready to come out, you're just along for the ride. May you give birth to many wonderful stories in the future. I'm sure they will all be amazing, because you are an amazing writer. I'm also sure I never want to be in the labor room with you. ;)

Ha! Yes, I suppose there is a correlation there. The inspiration, the generation...that's only too fun, too easy. But the actual delivery of that bastard...FUCKING OUCH.

:-D

But then here's the beautiful part. No childrearing. The monster is finished and off it goes into the world to make its fortune. And if it occasionally writes a letter home, that's nice. But from that point on it belongs to the readers.

LOL, I'm with you all the with this one, Karen! And Josh, I can completely relate to the 'hate' part of the writing the first draft. I'm going through those pains right now. But I can't wait for the second, and more for the third. I'm anxious to see how it all turns out when the characters finally say what they want to say. :)

Yes, when you reach rewrite, somehow it's all interesting again. Somehow even you are touched by the magic of imagination, you do believe in the world you've created, you do care about the characters. It does become "real."

You see, this is the beauty of your writing. Even when writing about horrid, unpleasant things, you manage to make your readers smile. :-)

I found your thoughts on the difficulty of building an imaginary world out of words alone in this extremely visual age interesting. I've never though of it that way before. Even thinking of the massive flow of visual messages filling our days makes me repeatedly talk to my students about media criticism. But to catch consumers first interest 'only' with words... hmmm. At first it seems a scary though. But words — they are powerful things. Just think about your first draft. An ugly, crippled thing (so you say, but I doubt it), but at the same time the beginning of something magical, something very powerful. Lovely.

It seems to me that it's the same with writing and painting (or other visual arts) — when you work really hard with the thing, after a while you become blind to it to the extent that it's difficult to say if the outcome is either good or bad. But when you step away and let the project stand for a while (that's when you send your first draft to your editor), something weird happens and after a while you see the whole thing through totally different eyes. And that's a wonderful moment. It's like finding hope where you didn't see it before. (A bit dramatic maybe, but so was your post. LOL.)

Sometimes I come across students who destroy their artwork by literary tearing them apart. And come to think of it, if it's not a completed drawing/painting, it's an artwork on the 'finished first draft' stage. You did push that send-button already, now didn't you, Josh? :-)

Such a thought-provoking post. And I loved reading everyone's sharp-eyed and wise comments. Thank you.

Given how increasingly short our attention spans are, I do think it is amazing that books continue to have such a huge audience.

But I don't think a lot of people read the way the used to, and I think books are largely a disposable commodity now. One step above the back of a cereal box. Which is why when I read people decrying the quality of ebooks I have to chuckle. You can't value books like a paper cup -- price them accordingly, warn the authors to think of themselves as nothing more than manufacturers of waste product -- and then bitch about quality. Or rather, you can, but you're an idiot.

Yes, we are a very visual society -- we have short attention spans, we like flashing lights and loud noises. None of which is conducive to writing quality fiction. I am enormously grateful to have such a loyal audience for my work.

I do always push the button. Because the one lesson that has sunk in is that first drafts are hell and that has nothing to do with anything. :-D

First thought was, yay, new story soon! *shakes-head-at-self* Well, no, actually first i worried when i read the title, gave me a little fright there, you did ;-) Then yay, then, oh no, then *hugs-Josh* :-)It's interesting to learn about writing experiences, what goes into it. Every time i had to write something, that first draft was excruciating (though the aha! moments were fun). There are of course things that "write themselves" more easily i guess, but it still takes stamina, that's for sure, and optimism and sheer force of will. And for something to have depth and magic, that takes a lot of effort. So thank you for writing as you do, and for sharing your wonderful talent with us! Every time i read one of your stories, i feel the world is a little better. :-)

Yes, even the things that seem to "write themselves" -- are still a heck of a lot of work, though it is a blessed and serendipitous moment when that seems to happen.

And it does occasionally happen. Occasionally the words flow so fast you can barely manage to get them onto the paper.

But mostly that's not what happens. Mostly it is literally dragging word out by word, and sometimes it's almost comical how innocuous those words are. Sometimes you find yourself agonizing over a few words of exposition that will barely register on the reader. :-D And it's not because the words are brilliant. It's because of the weirdness of the first draft.

Those words (of exposition, or other agonized over words) do register, even if not consciously or immediately; not everything can be quote material, so to speak, but those few words can, at the very least, form the link between words/images that will be in the reader's heart and mind forever. Good writing is like music and dance and painting weaved together :-)

The truth is -- and this is probably one of the reasons so many people want to be writers, regardless of the fact that it remains almost impossible to make a living writing -- is that the perks of this job are unlike almost any other.

How many people get to do something for a living that moves other people to write you and tell you how much your job means to them? I don't know if firefighters even get that!

Even in this glutted age, writing fiction can be a powerful thing. And I don't know anyone who doesn't want to have their voice heard.

I'm sorry you hate first drafts, and glad you keep slogging through it. Your pain is our gain. The thing that amazes me the most, looking at the finished product, I would never believe that it is this ugly, rough thing you describe. You are, simply put, the master. So keep on writing those ugly drafts. Hate it if you need to, but keep going! We love you for it.

Thanks, M. Oh yes, I write a very ugly first draft. No question. There are whole sections that are easy, whole scenes sometimes that never change so much as a comma from inception to publication, but then there are the hours spent trying to write some stupid nothing paragraph when it feels like you've had a stroke and you can't "see" words anymore. :-D

One of the writers I most admire, Dorothy Allison (Bastard Out of Carolina) says:"The hardest thing to teach young writers is that it's wonderful to tell your truth. And that's what you should do. But it damn well better be beautiful. I was a child who learned to love my life in books. I remember being 10, 11, 12 years old and falling into novels like falling into a river. Books so gorgeous, language so powerful that it made what the stories were about reasonable. It has to be beautiful, it has to sing. That takes work. And that also takes letting go a lot of your personal agendas. Almost all writers come to writing with something they want to accomplish. Purpose is wonderful. The problem is you can get very strident. Very determined. Very political. Then your language suffers… I want language that makes me drunk. Or that takes me up out of myself."

And, never forget, Josh, “If you become a writer you shall know the truth, and the truth will make you odd.” - Flannery O'Conner.

I think you came closest to your truth in the AE series. The language there is, often, powerful. I also believe writing is one of the most horrendously brutal of professions, but probably the only one that matters.

Thank goodness I have just completed my first trimester of teaching and I do have renewed admirations for those who chose that profession. My experience is/was at the graduate level, so it was somewhat a breeze because the class was pretty engaged.

But, Josh, please know and remember, teachers depend on writers. Not a chicken-egg situation, IMO. Without writers, what would teachers teach?

As someone who is writing a first draft as we speak and has written several others I wholeheartedly commiserate with you. I've yet to be published but still know that unbearable moment of sitting down to write and thinking "talk to me." At times I feel as though I've forgotten the English language completely. I for one agree with everyone else here and am thankful you create the books that you do. I have just discovered your books and am plowing through them, and loving them. Those first drafts turned into something amazing, and I look forward to all your other, post first draft books of the future.

I feel guilty that you hate something so much... because I really do love the final product. If it's any consolation, all that pain and effort you put into your stories doesn't go unnoticed by the reader. The quality of your writing is the mark by which I measure the writing in your genre. Most people, not all, come up lacking. All that effort you put into your works sets you apart from the rest.

The funny thing is, I find the process is the same with any sort of writing, be it academic writing or creative writing. I feel as you do when I am writing my boring research papers. The steps to build that convincing argument to support my thesis are fraught with the same loathing that you expressed in your post. The same mantra goes through my head as I type... "Why did I ever decide to write (albeit academically) for a living?... why, oh lord, why?!!!"

The difference, your writing moves people, it inspires them and makes them happy (like me... your writing makes me extremely happy). My writing in the other hand only moves other people to argue with me (which I do like...) and to dismiss, correct, or complement my ideas (which took a long time to learn how to do accept graciously).

Josh, I am sorry for your continuing agonizing over the "ugly first drafts," but there is always the ecstasy of their transformation into magnificent finshed works of art. A truly impressive skill; one that is unsurpassed. Thank you.

This isn't whining at all, You're just letting us look in on your process, and thanks for that.

I remember waaaay back when, the first time you ever spoke about the fact you even HAD "ugly" first drafts, and I thought, "You mean what I'm reading now isn't how it came flowing out of his mind when he began writing the story?" And what a surprise that was. :-)

Oh Josh, as always, thanks for sharing your process with us. Very happy that you persevere with your talent to form a connection with such a large audience. I'm another reader in awe of the process of getting ideas and inspirations to flow onto a page in words. I get anxious merely trying to compose posts such as this, cannot imagine ever being satisfied (confident?) enough with my words to hit "publish" on an entire story. Rock on! :-)

Yes! This is the trick, right here. This is what I have learned the hard way. Not to let my hatred of the first draft stop me from completing it because it is ONLY a first draft. And so long as the bones are good, the ultimate story will stand. You just have to close your eyes and keep climbing. DO NOT LOOK DOWN. ;-D

It's funny how different the process is for each writer. I LOVE the first draft. Granted, I'm just a hobbyist writer, not required to make a living at this - but I love writing those first scenes, understanding more about my characters as I go. Editing is a slog, but I can't say I hate it. The whole thing is just great fun for me. When it's not fun anymore, I'll quit.

Have you always hated the first draft, or was it different when you were an evil corporate overlord? :-)

When I was a very young writer, I LOVED first drafts. I could do thousands of words in a day. I wrote in the back of all my classes. I wrote the minute I got home (instead of doing homework). I wrote every second I could and there was never a shortage of words or excitement.

But that's because there was never any real rewriting. I was writing for myself. Which I still do sometimes, but when I write for myself I write an abbreviated version of various scenes -- the rest of the story runs in my head and I don't even need it on paper. I just need place keeper scenes.

I think from the moment you have deadlines attached and other people (editors, publishers, readers) involved, everything changes. It has to change because now you are writing with a particular purpose. And the purpose is to communicate your story to others -- and that is, by necessity, a very different process. :-)

What an enlightening post, Josh. Thanks so much for sharing your process, from “ugly” draft to beautiful, polished final product :) I am a professional translator, and I empathize with what your say. Finessing over words against deadlines looming is not always fun, but it is ultimately very rewarding. Of course the original writer goes through a lot more in terms of anxiety and frustration when dealing with a first draft, even when they have the whole story planned ahead and in fine detail. I always follow your blog posts about writing and the creative process with a interest. Thank you for being so candid and encouraging the discussion in this way. Before reading the comments, I was about to ask you if you were suffering through first draft in the same way when you were younger and not yet a published author, but you’ve already eloquently replied here to Rachel. I had a feeling that when you were already so prolific but not having to face editors, publishers, deadlines, outlines, multiple drafts etc. things were much simpler LOL. But ultimately the reward of being published and being able to entertain and touch other people’s lives must be like no other. All the bestPaola

Stories like most things in life take time to evolve. I like the cooking analogy, the recipe has to evolve, a little more of this a little more of that. My mother used to call it the "Test Pancake" the first one never really comes out perfect. The first draft of a story is a learning process, and that why so many people have half of the Great American Novel written they never learn the next step.

A timely lesson. Thank you for sharing that.Is it wrong for me to find it comforting that you still find first drafts agonising hell? Sorry! :)I had expected writing to get easier now that I know more about the craft, but now I suspect ignorance is bliss. Because if anything, it's harder. By being more aware of what a good story needs, I'm putting a brake on letting the story even be born.I have so many plots in my head. Themes I want to explore. Characters who, day by day, grow more rounded, but it's getting them out that's the problem.Some writers seem to have no problem creating this first draft. I've watched them write.Mine is still in vivid technicolor in my head. I can see character's faces, hear their words, know what they are going through, but to get it down on paper! That's the hard thing.I actually found Nanowrimo liberating in that it forces me to get these words out, gives me permission to write rough. I just dread the six months that follows as I pick them to pieces and rebuild them into a decent book.So thank you once again (I think) for discovering that this wasn't just a first stage as a writer. I had expected to "grow out of it" and when I hadn't, I was starting to wonder if I really was a proper" writer when others don't seem to have this problem.You're advice, criticism and encouragement helped me get my mess of a first draft to a stage where it has now even been translated into Italian!!! With the French version to follow. Who would have thought....Now, understanding that I'm not alone in this, perhaps I will regain the courage to continue.So, once again it's Josh to the rescue!!!!

I do think ignorance is bliss. Well, it's also ignorance, which is its own problem, but with that ignorance comes pure, unselfconscious creative flow -- and I will not deny that I don't sometimes miss that. It was exhilarating to write like that. :-)

Josh--My first thought was "Thank God. Someone else hates writing the first draft!" :-) It's enough to make a writer want to take up neurosurgery or some other easier profession. Your books got me hooked on M/M. I'm thankful you push past that ugly draft and turn it into a shining star. Very inspiring.Cheers, Whitley

About Me

Josh Lanyon is the author of over sixty titles of classic Male/Male fiction featuring twisty mystery, kickass adventure and unapologetic man-on-man romance.
Her work has been translated into eleven languages. The FBI thriller Fair Game was the first male/male title to be published by Harlequin Mondadori, the largest romance publisher in Italy. Stranger on the Shore (Harper Collins Italia) was the first M/M title to be published in print. In 2016 Fatal Shadows placed #5 in Japan's annual Boy Love novel list (the first and only title by a foreign author to place on the list). The Adrien English Series was awarded All Time Favorite Male Male Couple in the 2nd Annual contest held by the 20,000+ Goodreads M/M Group. Josh is an Eppie Award winner, a four-time Lambda Literary Award finalist (twice for Gay Mystery), and the first ever recipient of the Goodreads Favorite M/M Author Lifetime Achievement award.