Alec Baldwin Retiring Due to Suckiness

Alec Baldwin, star of 30 Rock, Beetlejuice, has decided it’s time to call it a day. After about 30 years of acting (he was only in Beetlejuice and 30 Rock in 30 years? No wonder he’s retiring), Mr. Baldwin has had just about enough of this acting game. And the reason? He sucks. No really, he said that. He feels his entire career has been a failure so why bother continuing with it? If only Carrot Top felt the same way…

On the one hand, you could argue that Baldwin’s had a long, extensive and pretty successful career, and his bits on SNL with Canteen Boy were some of the funniest goddamn things ever, and maybe right now he’s being a whiny baby-man. You could argue that. And on the other hand, we’re not going to make a point and instead we’re using that hand to point at Stephen Baldwin. And Billy Baldwin. And Daniel Baldwin.

Alec Baldwin seems to be measuring his success by critical acclaim and/or financial success. And word is some of his films were both critically acclaimed and financially successful, but apparently he wants to be a kick ass mixture of Will Smith and Anthony Hopkins and is bummed that he hasn’t gotten there yet (but if you merged those two actors and made a movie called The Silence of Bagger Vance it’d be awesome).

What Alec is failing to appreciate is where he stands on the Baldwin Scale of Success. Which is to say he’s on it and no one else is.

If it weren’t for Alec Baldwin, probably at least one of the Baldwin brothers would be living in a tent eating river mud right now. Literally right this second.

If it weren’t for Alec Baldwin, Stephen Baldwin probably would have resorted to medical testing to make ends meet.

If it weren’t for Alec Baldwin, Billy Baldwin would not even be a real thing. Seriously, can you pick Billy Baldwin out of a crowd of four Baldwins? No. You know what’s even weirder? You can identify the other three and then logic dictates the 4th has to be Billy Baldwin but through some fluke of physics it’s still impossible to pick him out of a crowd. A crowd of 4 Baldwins.

If it weren’t for Alec Baldwin, Daniel Baldwin would have overdosed on pie in the late 1980’s.

Now, success can be a double edged sword and you’d be right if you pointed out how, if not for Alec, the world wouldn’t have had to endure Stephen on like 50 different celebrity reality shows, or debating marijuana with Ron Paul on CNN. And if not for Alec then Daniel might not have been in Attack of the 50 ft Woman. But let’s be honest. If there were no Baldwins, an Arquette would have filled in. South Park was on to something, we all know it.

Alec Baldwin, you sir are no failure. Not so long as you still have a family.