I fear the government will be lowering the death age rather than raising it. There's too much of us sitting in vegetative trances in care home communal rooms dribbling onto our shirts. It won't be popular, but if they start it high enough - say 95, and then gradually lower it, they will probably get away with it. No doubt there will probably be an exception for former MPs.

Joint effort with Wrenfoe (i.e. he wrote all the funny bits and I added some attempts at far left-wing satire).

Growing evidence that retirement "leads to death"

There is a niggling suspicion among Britain’s aging population that “retirement” may not be all it’s cracked up to be. Until recently the World Health Organization claimed that ischaemic heart disease was the biggest contributor to mortality rates, but more detailed research, sponsored by the Adam Smith Institute, suggests that the underlining problem is that people are "not working their guts out" anymore, and are succumbing to the toxic effects of leisure.

One Coffin-dodger explained:”Someone told me the 70s are the new 30s. I don’t recall as much penal dysfunction and rectal bleeding during my thirties…not unless you count that holiday to Corfu. For goodness sake – I smell of ‘wee’. ‘Wee’! When did that happen?”

Hardest hit, recently, have been teachers – whose own pensionable age has risen by five years. Kevin Courtney, Deputy General Secretary NUT, said: “Teachers used to retire with a spring in their step – now it turns out it was just an overactive thyroid gland. It’s not so much “Goodbye Mr. Chips” as “Hello Mr. Crematory”.”

One OAP who could not be named (mainly due to dementia) complained:” You see someone like Arnold Schwarzenegger at 66 and you think, ‘that could be me, er, is it me?’. Who wouldn’t want to be impregnating the home-help while in your 50s? But now I discover you need a lifetime’s supply of steroids and access to the Kennedy’s secret ‘well of life’ to stand a chance!”

Having raised the retirement age, it has become clear that the Government needs to raise the death ceiling as well. The Work and Pensions Secretary, Ian Duncan Smith, announced: “Death is bad for the economy. OAPs are cheap to heat, cheap to feed and generally happy to vote Tory at election time. We cannot afford to lose them. But we can't afford to pay them pensions either. By raising the retirement age to 110, we will deal with the horrible correlation between retirement and the death rate. This means that in future all deaths will be work-related, and will be the fault of employers. Well, fuck 'em."

"Given the austerity measures due to come in, they may be the only section of the population who’ll be able to deal with our new Rationing system…you did know about that, right? Did someone mention it before? What about our “Dig for Victory’ initiative? Compost graves? Enema lollipops? No? Ooops - I thought that was a fart.”