What to Say if You Think She’s Faking It

Much as men sometimes fake emotions, women sometimes fake orgasms. Especially when we're just getting to know someone, men and women tell all kinds of little lies to make our partners feel comfortable. "My apartment is always this clean" and "I came nine times" are pretty harmless in the scheme of things. You shouldn't tell someone you love them when you just want to get in their pants, because that's manipulative, but faking it rarely comes from a place of manipulation. Is it deceitful? Absolutely. Would relationships be better if we all orgasmed with integrity? For sure. But sometimes women do fake orgasms, and you should know how to talk about it so you can help them have real orgasms. Start here:

Understand That It Probably Has Nothing to Do with You

It’s totally possible for a person to have a fantastic time in bed without having an orgasm. Women usually fake orgasms because we’re trying to convey that we’re enjoying what you're doing, but we know we're not going to reach the finish line this round. Often we worry that we’re going to have to hurt your feelings if we don’t come, when in fact there are a million reasons a woman might not have an orgasm that have nothing to do with your performance. Maybe your partner has new-relationship nerves, or maybe she’s on a birth-control method or antidepressant that affects libido. It could be something serious—maybe she's unable to come due to past sexual trauma—or it could be Thom Yorke’s voice in the background, work stress, Dave Matthews’ voice in the background, or just exhaustion. All those reasons are serious mood-killers in the moment, and sometimes it’s easier to fake it than it is to talk about it.

Know How to Talk to Her About It

Aggressively encouraging a woman not to fake an orgasm is a lot like a woman aggressively encouraging you to get a boner—it just adds tension. Instead, you can lead into a conversation about faking by saying, “Look, the most important thing for me is for you to enjoy yourself.” That will give her the opportunity to say, “In that case, do you mind if we use my vibrator?” Women aren’t complicated; too many people just never bother to ask what we’re thinking. Kinks, anatomies, and sexual orientations vary, but a rudimentary rule of thumb is that people like to have their needs considered in the bedroom. Say that you care about her, and not just her orgasm. She’ll probably feel much more relaxed knowing that you don’t expect her to come every time. I’m not saying forsake her orgasm. Just relax about it, dude. Usually in relationships, the talks about the harder stuff come with time, so for now just make it clear that you’re interested in making her feel good, not just in making her come “for you.” You can even say, “I know it’s so much harder for women to come than men, have you ever felt so pressured by a guy that you faked it?” If she’s into you, she’ll open up. You can say that you’d rather her feel good and not finish than fake it, but remember to keep the conversation about her pleasure, and not the ego boost you need from getting someone off.

Get Down There

Spend more time on foreplay. Even if the reason she's not getting off is totally unrelated to what you're doing, it never hurts to offer to go down on her. Throw a vibrator into the mix to show that you're adventurous and you understand female anatomy. If she’s not into vibrators, just rub her clit while you have sex, or watch her do it herself. Talk dirty, and ask her about her kinks. It shows you care. And if she says, “Hey, that was dope, but I’m tired and just don’t think I can come tonight,” believe that she still thinks you’re a sex god and is totally into you. Unless she’s faking emotions and not orgasms, in which case get out of there!

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