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December 20th, 2004

History Test Answers
Sent in by Bud Olson

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies
and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived
in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is
such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where
they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he
ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
porcupines. He was A actual hysterical figure as
well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was
sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went
around giving people advice. They killed him. He
later died from an overdose of wedlock, which is
apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
suffered a Dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped,
hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were
messier then, than they show on TV now.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
Battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March
murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you,
Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized
by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand.
The English and French still have problems.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen", as a queen
she was a success. When she exposed herself before
her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was
the end of the fighting for a long while.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation
of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because
he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a
100-foot clipper, which was very dangerous to
all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564,
supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much money and is famous only because of
his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was
Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The
next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed
the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a
Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing
two cats backward and also declared, "A horse
divided against itself cannot stand." He was
a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790
and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest
Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy,
and he was born in a log cabin which he built
with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the
slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went
to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one
of the actors in a moving picture show. They
believe the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth,
a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's
career.

Joann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions
and had a large number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in
his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach
was the most famous composer in the world and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and
half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became
the father of rock and roll. He took long walks
in the forest even when everyone was calling for
him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great
many thoughts and inventions. People stopped
reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat
caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper,
which did the work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits,
but I don't know why.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the
Organ of the Species.It was very long, people
got upset about it, and had trials to see if
it was really true. He sort of said God's days
were not just 24 hours, but without watches
who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the
first woman to do what she did. Other women
have become scientists since her but they didn't
get to find radios because they were already taken.

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The
other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches
and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.