If you don’t have a good bakery in your area – i.e. bakes fresh every day, can tell you details about ingredients and procedures, acts like they give half a shiet – make your own. It’s pretty easy, and you can freeze leftover batches for later use. Just take a brioche recipe (my favorite bread), shape it into balls and proof as desired. I like mine *just* pillowy, with a bit of structure still but not too dense – the recipe I use is a high yeast dough (almost half percent total yield) and I proof my 84g buns for about an hour. I like a double egg wash and sesame, but do whatchya like ya biatch.

Meat.

Listen, you can make your dry-aged short rib or wagyu burgers, but it probably will have a hard time competing with Five Guys (seriously, fuk those guys, I’ve lost sleep thinking about how good their bacon burger is). The number one cause of shietty-ass shietburgers? You bought grocery store ground beef; you will get nowhere with that. Grind the best quality chuck roast you can find, and you’re set. Actually, you don’t even need a grinder (even though they’re cheap); you can chop/mince cold beef and get arguably better texture. It just takes longer. I like a mix of about 60 percent chuck and 40 percent brisket. I have a guy who only works with prime, so thats what I’m using. Just leave my expensive sirloin alone. Ya biatch.

Prep

Always grind cold, which means your grinder has been in the freezer overnight already by now. Cut up the meat into 1-inch cubes. Freeze it for thirty minutes. Oh and season your meat AFTER you grind it. Do you WANT dull blades? Jesus.

Grind it!

Do it fast thatswhatshesaid so the grinder doesn’t heat up enough (KitchenAid attachment manual says speed 4; I do 6). Helps to put grind into bowl over ice bath to keep it cold. Measure out 6 to 6 1/2 oz patties, or, if it’s the weekend and you hate yourself, bigger. Just don’t smash them too much.

MEANHWHILE

I mean, you might as well make bacon. And you might as well use your homemade bacon. Oh. You don’t make your own bacon? Aren’t you adorable.

Bakon mega-ultra cooking secret

Like, half the world knows this… right? Cook your bacon in water first. Just cover, and bring to a boil on high.

Water. Yes, water.

Listen, I know it’s crazy, but Ruhlman agrees with me so you’re all pretty much wrong.

Ok so I have boiled bacon now what asshole?

Well once your stupid water boils off and evaporates – careful, science term there – turn the heat down and finish normally. See, all that smokey, bacony flavor didn’t go anywhere little Timmy… It’s still in the pan. And now you can fry your bacon in it while your mom is banging your friend’s dad Brutus in the next trailer over, because your meth head father doesn’t love her anymore because her bacon sucks so bad.

And then.

It will brown up normally. I know you don’t believe me, but I don’t care. Shut up.

Ok so you’ve got Bread and bacon.

Season the patties excessively. Heart-disease level seasoning.

SEAR

HOT PAN YOU DONKAY. I usually brush on melted butter, but I had the bacon fat in there, so why not. Just heat it to smoking.

FLIP

It will cook faster than you think. Press-test it. When it just starts to give resistance, it’s medium-rare.

Tonight’s toppings: local Boston lettuce, beefsteak tomato and a random vidalia. It really doesn’t matter, just get the freshest things you can.

Meanwhile

While the burgers rest, toast the buns. Using the same pan doesn’t hurt.

ASSEMBLE

My wife likes ketchup. Ketchup is disgusting. I like mayo; it don’t have to be homemade, but I happened to have some, so naturally I needed to garlic-herb it up. Be generous.

DONE

The bacon burger got ate, so this is the wifey’s, who opted for the herb mayo once she tasted it. They disappear pretty quickly around here.