Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Disability for Loss of Booty-Shake?

What happens when you can't shake your booty because you sit all day, every day, behind a desk? I mean 9 to 12 hours a day. At a desk. In front of a computer. You order lunch in. You eat breakfast there. You forget how to make dinner. What happens?

You get stiff. Your neck gets stiff. Your back gets stiff. Your shoulders get stiff and uneven. Your hamstrings can't stretch to save your life. Even your calves are tight when you walk too many blocks in flats. What gives?

How about when you finally get an off hour or two? You try to shake your booty and...HORRORS! IT WON'T SHAKE?! You can't shake it. It just won't move.

Instead of a nice booty shake what you get is a wobbly body shake that looks more like you are about to fall over, or someone should dial 911 real fast because you are having a fit. You turn into a sort of human Weeble-Wobble with no joints or elasticity whatsoever.

There is just no mobility in your waist. You can't even turn to see what is going on around you. It is all or nothing. You either face front, or right, or left. Not ever sit facing front while looking ot see what's happening to your right. Nope. No movement. You have lost your swivel. You are now an egg shaped stiffy.

So, does this happen from sitting in a $2000 chair all day staring at a lifeless screen? Does it happen from being in one location and allowing zero range of motion for at least an 8 hour period? I say, yes, it does. And so, shouldn't I be allowed to collect disability and quit my job so I can once again shake my booty? I mean, if anyone's boooty should shake it should be mine. I know what some of you may be thinking "I see your booty shake all the time. Every time you walk by". Well, I am afraid you may be referring to my booty jiggle, which is involuntary and totally different than a booty shake. And that booty jiggle is also related to all of the above causes of the loss of the booty shake.

Now you may think "Why not be happy with the booty jiggle and forget about the booty shake?". Well, I will tell you this, a booty shake can make your day while a booty jiggle can ruin your mood for weeks on end. A booty shake goes hand in hand with good times and celebration. A booty jiggle is associated with ridicule, laughter and a few of the mortal vices one may remember from the movie "7". There is a difference, my friends.

And that doesn't even cover the health aspects of the booty shake vs. the booty jiggle. The booty shake leads to a cardiovascular-ly, emotionally healthy individual. A booty jiggle leads to depression and diabetes. The two just can't compare.

So now, I say that once a job causes you to lose your booty shake and to acquire a booty jiggle you should be allowed, by law, to collect disability. What do you say?