Heaven forbid a woman gestate a human and not instantaneously return to super-svelte shape! The Indian media have proved themselves every bit as concerntrolly as their US counterparts after commentators went after Bollywood legend Aishwarya Rai — not only for selfishly getting pregnant, but also for having the nerve to not shed pounds immediately following the birth. (Her new baby is a mere six months old.) Causing outrage after getting snapped looking roughly 0.00067% less hot than normal on her way to a party for UN secretary general Ban Ki-Moon, Rai's been likened to an elephant on one website — complete with trumpeting sound effects — resulting in some impassioned commentary. "She is a Bollywood actress and it is her duty to look good and fit," typed one commenter, with another adding: "She needs to learn from people like Victoria Beckham who are back to size zero weeks after their delivery." WTF! Oh, Ban is thought to have asked her to be the global face of the UN's girl child campaign at the party, but surely those girls deserve a gaunter face to look up to. Amirite, ladies? [SMH]

For her part, Jessica Simpson agrees, and can't wait to drop her baby weight. Though she does have a $4 million carrot in the form of a Weight Watcher's contract dangling in front of her. "As soon as Jessica heals from the C-section, she is extremely determined to get back in the gym and work out," said someone. "She wants to show the world and is excited to do it." [Us]

Funny for us, shit-your-pants scary for Michael Caine: the actor got locked in his dressing room overnight after falling asleep while on a break from shooting Now You See Me. Oh, said dressing room happened to be in the attic of an old, disused New Orleans theatre. "His mobile phone was in his trailer, and there was no electricity in the attic, meaning he couldn't see a thing," said a crewmember. "It was pitch black. Michael started shouting for help, but no one could hear him." [Page Six]

We can all exhale, because Nick Stahl has been spotted since his wife reported him missing yesterday — carrying packing boxes outside an apartment complex in West Hollywood. But you might want to inhale again real quick because it might mean their current custody battle is getting nasty. "He does this sometimes," said a know-it-all eyewitness. "He'll be back." [E!]

Now I don't know about you but I was sick of these prick teasing masseurs talking a big game when it came to John Travolta but refusing to do us a solid by actually putting out. Luckily, the latest accuser said he took up the challenge and can report back that Travolta is a passionate lover. "He's a great kisser. I know because I had sex with him, and he loved it," said Luis Gonzalez. "I gladly let him lay on the table naked… and within five minutes, Travolta spread his legs and I could see an erection. He moved around and started to breathe heavily. He'd say, ‘Oh, yeah, that feels so good! A little higher, please!' We got into the bed that was right next to the massage table and had a really good time." [NYDN]
A gym employee has also come forward to add his name to the pile. [Radar]

Reports from questionable sources claim that Raven Symone is a lesbian, doesn't care what her family thinks, and is in love with a woman named AzMarie, who was on cycle 18 of America's Next Top Model. Congrats? Sounds like good times all around. [ONTD]