Miliband reveals real resignation reason

Harry Potter lookalike David Miliband today exclusively revealed the real reason why he came out of obscurity as the MP for South Shields to take up an even more obscure, yet much more highly paid, job with International Rescue.

Looking calm and relaxed, but with his usual twisted face, as if a great weight was off his shoulders, Mr Miliband confessed: “Look, all my life I’ve known Nick Park’s Oscar-winning creations were based on my brother Ed’s face and I thought, look, what better way to outwit him than try to get Gerry Anderson to create a puppet out of me. I know Gerry Anderson is dead, but at the end of the day, I’m still earning 2-3 times more than Ed and influencing stupid rich Americans and Arabs who don’t even know where the UK is.”

“I will be based on Tracy Island at International Rescue HQ and my job will be to drive Thunderbird 99, a battered old Nissan Micra, around the island picking up any washed up items to see if they can be recycled.”

Tony Blair said: “I say to you: the stupid voters of Sedgefield, Trimdon and South Shields always vote Labour so who gives a fuck, let’s make loads of money out of those dumbos.”