12 Things Men Think While Receiving a Hand Job

2. Oh, OK. Going for a hand job. That's still cool. I mean, not sex-cool, but I can roll with it.

3. I could basically do this. This is like I'm masturbating except if I did it with my left hand, and that hand was asleep and also possessed by a demon like that Devon Sawa movie Idle Hands that is inexplicably always on TV. What the hell happened to post-Little Giants Devon Sawa? Why am I thinking about Devon Sawa during a hand job?

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4. Her grip is too tight. Is she trying to strangle the sperm out of my penis?

5. OK, now it's too loose. It's like a straw rattling around an empty Coolatta lid.

6. Should I show her how I like it? This feels like the scene in Ghost, except instead of making a clay vase, Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore are jerking off a penis.

7. Where am I supposed to come? This is going to wind up mostly just all over me, right? Is that weird? I have no other options here.

8. More lotion, please more lotion. I feel like I'm having sex with a belt sander right now. Her hand is absorbing lotion like a dementor absorbs happy thoughts.