Thursday, April 15, 2010

When we are posed with that question many things come to mind. We can talk about confidence, leadership, strength and all of those would be good answers, but what is the core of being a man? In the last 40 years the roles of a man and woman have become more and more blurred. Women in the 1940’s and 1950’s would stay home, raise the children and took on the role of a submissive wife. In the 1960’s and 1970’s feminism took center stage and as more and more divorces happened women became single mothers and left to raise boys on their own. I was a product of a single mother and no father in the 1980’s and I have spent a great deal of my life trying to answer the question of what does it mean to be a man?

Now as we turn the page into 2010 we see these roles barely exist anymore. Men have become dependent, lacking direction, followers, cowards and more than anything irresponsible. In the community we learn about the “attraction switches.” We are taught to be confident but we are never instructed as to WHY this role is important or even HOW to actually sustain confidence.

So what is a man in 2010 and why does this matter to your dating life?

Because being a man is a role that will NEVER disappear. It may seem obvious, but the truth is;Women… Like… Men..

I want to give you my characteristics of what a man is and what their role is.Responsibility Most men believe that being responsible means supporting a family financially. Being responsible means your role is to accept when you are wrong, but live with the mindset that you are right and confident in your ability to make decisions. A man should also contribute to the emotional, spiritual, physical and mental well-being of his family and significant other. This means taking action when the circumstances call for it and doing what it takes to solve issues that arise.

A ProtectorA protector means that you can more than just physically protect her from other people; it also means protecting her self-esteem and self-worth. One of the greatest compliments a woman can give a man is to feel safe around him.

A LeaderA good leader takes the lead rather than passively waiting for your spouse or significant other to initiate it. Leadership shows confidence and we all know that confidence is very attracting to a woman. Most guys miss the mark here and view leadership as a one way street. A good leader inspires others to greatness, thus giving value while he leads the relationship or household.

A MentorA man of high value is a mentor to others through word and action. Set high standards and teach by doing. He is impeccable with his word and his actions display confidence as well as mentoring others to improve their lives. This is a powerful trait for a man to have because the strength of character it takes to be a mentor shows a wide variety of attraction switches such as: Confidence, leaderships, social proof and social status.

The spineless behavior of men is changing the roles that men and women have and causing men to become submissive, feminine and afraid to take the lead.

The first step to understanding and changing this behavior is becoming dominant.

Dominance does NOT mean that you own another person, simply put dominance means that you have authority over another person. You take the lead and lead the interaction. If we talk about relationships it means that you are the one who leads the relationship, others are along for the ride and offer their input. You do NOT control the other person, she is free to be who she is just as you are free to be who you are, you are simply leading the relationship and she is more than welcome to add input.

A lot of guys mistake dominance for total control…

A relationship is not about control because control is based in fear, a relationship should be founded on love and love is all about freedom. Dominance simply means that you are going to step up and be the man. You are going to lead her and she is going to choose to follow or not. This means making plans, choosing where to eat, setting boundaries and enforcing them.

The next step is Assume leadership.You are the leader because you are the man. Tell her what you want!! When I counsel people in a relationship I often find the same issue that happens over and over again. Neither person is expressing what they actually want.

You will NEVER get what you want if you do not clearly communicate what you actually want and expect from the other person.

Assuming leadership means that you understand your role as the man in the relationship is to step up and lead. Take authority over your actions and lead the relationship where you want it to go.

Controlling EmotionsOne quality of a man that many people overlook is the ability to control emotions. Women are creatures of emotion and thus their moods will change as their emotion’s change. As a man you are responsible for controlling your emotions and not letting your emotions control you. Many times when a man has no father figure and was raised by a mother only he will be a very emotional man. Part of assuming the role of a man though is to have dominance over your emotional well-being as well. Its OK to show emotions, in fact it is vital! However, you need to show restraint and that restraint of emotion is VERY attractive to women.

Becoming IndependentIndependence is a major trademark of a man. Independence shows that you can take care of yourself and therefore you can take care of others. Independence shows that you understand the way life works and have broken free from your dependence on others both financially and emotionally.

Having Direction in lifeHaving a direction in life is another vital role that a man must take on. If you are to be the leader of a relationship or family you must display that you are taking her in a direction she wishes to go and that she has the faith in you to follow. One of the greatest compliments a woman can give a man is that you are multi-dimensional. You have passions other than what she first saw.

Setting standardsIn the beginning of any interaction with a woman you are sending signals to each other about where your boundaries are. You communicate these in many ways such as verbal cues, body language and willingness to comply with suggestions. As you set boundaries the woman’s job is to test these boundaries to see if you will keep her in check. As the man allows his boundaries to be broken the woman loses attraction for him. Over time, the woman will leave the man because she loses all respect for him and sees him as an unsuitable partner.

A man sets his standards and keeps them there. One of the greatest phrases that holds true in life is “we teach people how to treat us.” We do this by setting boundaries and then holding others accountable for violating them.

For a final point I will try to answer the question what does it mean to be a man. I guess from all my experiences I can say that we know we are a man when we see one. When you become responsible for your actions you begin to understand the world not from the eyes of selfishness, but from the eyes of selflessness.

1 comments:

Great stuff. These are the sorts of things that you really do need to get a grasp of in order to be successful. Not just successful with women but successful in everyday life.

I definitely think being a leader is so important. The role of a leader shows you have the strength and courage to make decisions no matter how tough. Being a leader allows you to do the other points you have mentioned here. Such as, being a mentor, protector & dominance. You also have to be willing to take responsibility for any of the decisions you make.

They all come down to being the leader and thus being a decision maker.