I have no idea what he deal is this week since a bunch of movies open on Valentine’s Day which is the 14th and why the hell would you open a movie on a Thursday? Are they expecting a lot of movie dates that night and, if so, who the hell is having a romantic evening with John McClane? Whatevs.

A Good Day to Die Hard

Die Hard. Harder. With a Vengeance. Live free. A Good Day. It started out like sex talk and then degenerated into quippy bullshit. I love Die Hard as much as anyone. I was on the Sony lot, I saw the actual building where they filmed it and took a photo that I can’t find just now but may find before this goes live on the site. But the 4th one seemed a little off. So this one better be awesome and I just don’t know. The commercial look very 4th Die Hard to me. Very.

I’ll still see it, by the way. It’s John McClane, bitches.

Beautiful Creatures

I thought Peter Jackson directed a movie called Beautiful Creatures . In fact, I am almost sure he did (I never Google things to write these so we’ll just go with my recollection). That movie was about crazy, murder girls who were sort of gay for each other, I think. And this movie seems to be about witches in that “marketed to teenagers” way. Eh.

Safe Haven

I think this is Sleeping with the Enemy, which obviously I didn’t like, only this time is stars Mr. Fergie which makes it even less appealing to me. I refuse to write further on this topic.

Escape from Planet Earth

Another 3D cartoon for kids with a bunch of celebrity voices. However, it’s worth noting this is the first movie from the company that’s releasing it. This is no Dreamworks of Pixar joint, this is a Canadian thingamajig. So if you go see this movie it could totally turn into a Doogal on you and God knows you don’t want that.

The Package

Apparently this is not gay porn. It stars Dolph Lundgren and Stone Cold Steve Austin, so I guess we just need to wait for the Academy to get around to nominating it for 10 or 11 Oscars next year. It’s probably a moving, gripping tale of two men dealing with serious issues that expose and bring insight to the human condition and make us think about our own lives in a new and critical way. Or maybe it’s just assholes shooting guns and having shittily choreographed fights. Have to see it to find out.

The Bitter Buddha

You totally haven’t heard of this but it’s about Eddie Pepitone, who if you don’t know him you may recognize when you see him since he’s been a comedian forever. He’s a loud mouth New Yorker character all the time, and he’s pretty hilarious. That alone means it’s probably worth it to check out the movie.