I had a blast compiling these jokes. It's a phenomenon that musicians tell each other musician jokes about their own chops, axe and personality. It has a way of justifying the way it really is.

I guess other people use these jokes to poke fun at the various groups of musicians. These guys are unique in every way.

I had a great time finding some of my old trumpet buddies from college, seeing just what they have done with themselves over the last 32 years. I've laced the jokes with their pictures. I can't wait to see which one of them finds this page first....with their face hovering around a great joke.

I hope you enjoy these and can get some mileage out of them as I continually do.

One night that I'll never forget was having dinner with Doc Severinsen in Chicago many years ago. A friend of ours played with Doc in the NBC Band in the late 1950's so we went with him to catch up on old times. What a thrill this was. Doc really liked Jane, my wife, being a genuine Southern Gal.

David Hickman, Professor of Trumpet at Arizona State

Dave is a true virtuoso, having performed thousands of times as a featured soloist with major symphony orchestras. He invests in all his students giving them a head start in their careers. Dave is a trumpet historian and superb trumpet pedagogue. He is truly a walking, talking trumpet Wikipedia. I value the years I spent at the University of Illinois learning from one of the very best.

A great jazz trumpet player dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he finds out that heaven has a jazz band and rehearsal is about to begin. When he arrives at the rehearsal, he finds out that it is the biggest jazz band he had ever seen. There were over twenty trumpet players, including all the greats, like Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, Louis Armstrong, and many others. The band sounds incredible, the best he had ever heard, and all of the players were great, with one exception. The lead player was horrible! The lead player had no high chops, couldn't play a decent swing groove, and could not improvise. Yet this horrible player was on lead, really looked like he was getting into the songs, and looked incredibly smug and pleased with himself after every song. Incredulous, he asked the player next to him, "Who is that guy? He's horrible!" The other player replied, "Oh, that's just God. He only likes to think that he's Wynton Marsalis." ___________________

A guy sees a trumpet playing friend of his, hasn't seen him for ages, asks him how he's been doing. " Oh, just great! " says the guy. " I'm doing all the major film calls, for Jerry Goldsmith, John Williams and that bunch, also I've been touring with top groups, I'm first trumpet on the tonight show, I just cut a CD with Quincy Jones and I have five solos on it, and I sub on the L.A. Philharmonic from time to time. What about you? " " Oh, well, " the guy says, " you know I hate to admit it, but I'm still doing that little organ trio on Tuesday nights at the bowling alley "." Hmmm.. " says the other guy " ..do you know who's booking that gig ?"____________________

Ray Sasaki, Professor of Trumpet at the University of Texas.

Ray also plays with the St. Louis Brass Quintet. Ray is a tremendous jazz player and has total control of the instrument. He can play softer and more precise than anyone I know. I remember Ray's advice to "Give Miles a chance." Thanks Ray, for making a lifelong impact!

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus...A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing! The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna shag it!____________________

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: "Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he saidthat he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates." "BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."____________________

Customer: "I'd like to get a bottle of valve oil for my new Schill trumpet."The store owner thinks for a minute and replies: "OK, that sounds like a fair trade to me."____________________

Did you hear about the Iraqi Shi'ite Trumpet player who quit the Baghdad Big Band today?On a gig last night the band leader called the first number - "On the Sunni side of the street."____________________

Jon Faddis with Dizzy

Did you hear about the three trumpet players that wrote a book on scales?Each contributed the one they knew.____________________

Stan Friedman, Composer, Clinician and Soloist

Stan has taught trumpet at the collegiate level, performed with several major orchestras, been commissioned by the International Trumpet Guild, and almost broke 80 on the golf course. Thanks for playing at our wedding 32 years ago!

Do you play the Trumpet Voluntary? No, my parents made me do it.____________________

Four trumpet players are in a mini van. The mini van goes off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this? You can fit eight trumpet players in a mini van.____________________

How are trumpet players like linoleum?Lay them once and you can walk on them forever.____________________

How are trumpet players like pirates?They both murder on the high C's____________________

How can you tell a trumpet player's kids at a playground? They don't know how to swing. ____________________

How can you tell when a trumpet is being too loud?It’s playing.____________________

How do you get a trumpet player out of a tree?Cut the noose.____________________

How do you get a trumpet player to play fff? Write mp on the part. ____________________

Here's a guy who either came out of a padded practice room or has played a few high notes too many!

How do you get a trumpet player to play softly? Take away his instrument. ____________________

How do you get a trumpet player to stop playing so loud?Tell him not to play.____________________

Mark "Cat" Curry, Owner of Curry Custom Mouthpieces

It was a real experience playing beside Mark. He could ride above Double C at will and became a really good jazz player. He played on the Basie Band when the Count was alive and played lead with Ray Charles. I never knew about his golf game.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trumpet player's car? Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.____________________

How do you keep a trumpeter from drowning?Take your foot off his head.____________________

How do you kill off three trumpet players in a hurry?Ask them to agree who’s the best player there.____________________

How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? The doorbell shrikes! ____________________

How do you make your trumpet sound like a french horn?Stick your hand in the bell and miss lots of notes.____________________

How do you tell a trumpet player's knocking at your door? The knock speeds up. ____________________

How many jazz trumpeters does it take to change a light bulb? Never mind- they can fake the changes. ____________________

How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.”____________________

How many second trumpets does it take to change a light bulb? None they can't reach that high. ____________________

How many 3rd cornet players does it take to change a light bulb?None! They can't get that high!____________________

How many sections, other than the trumpet section, does it take to change a light bulb?Trumpets: You mean there are other sections.____________________

How many times does a trumpet player laugh at a joke?Twice, once when he hears it and again when he gets it.____________________

Marcellus Brown, Boise State Department of Bands and Trumpet Studio

I met Marcellus when he was teaching at Chicago State. We were both working on our DMA's at the University of Illinois. We roomed together for 2 weeks when the Trumpet Ensemble took a Midwest Tour, finishing by giving a recital at the International Trumpet Guild Conference in Denver. He would give me the Detroit version as I translated into "Southernese."

How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could've done it. ____________________

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? None, because the world revolves around them! ____________________

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he'll do it too loudly. ____________________

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Just one: all he has to do is hold his horn above his head and the world revolves around him. ____________________

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?Four. One to do it and three to stand around and brag about how much better they could have done it.____________________

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how Louis Armstrong would have done it. ____________________

How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway? Seven- if you lay them out correctly. ____________________

How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What's a lightbulb?????____________________

How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero. They just complain about the darkness until a trombone player does it for them.____________________

If you’re just a stone’s throw away from the trumpet section what should you do.Throw stones.____________________

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said 'tacit'-- so I took it!" ____________________

David Bilger, Principal Trumpet, The Philadelphia Orchestra

David Bilger walked into the fall auditions as a Freshman and blew the rest of us right out the door. He was a natural, having the purest tone, great range and made everything look easy. I think the only thing I contributed to his trumpet career was how to choose the best beer after a grueling Wind Ensemble concert.

One day each section was allowed to have one soloist per section. The different sections resolved who would be the soloist in their own ways. The clarinets picked the loudest person, the flutes picked the most elegant person, the percussion picked the person with the fastest hands, the saxophones picked the person with the most jazz, and the trumpets ended up with the person with the best aim to kill off the other trumpet players.____________________

Ron Collier, a very well known arranger was rehearsing a big band assembled to play arrangements of the "Canadiana Suite" by Oscar Peterson. At some point plunger mutes were required and all the trumpet players but one got them out. Ron said: "Hey man, the part says plunger mute, where's your mute?" The trumpet player replies: "I don't have one". Ron: "I can't believe that! How can you not have a plunger?" Player: "Well, I don't have one!" Ron: "Listen, what the hell do you do at home when your toilet backs up?" Player: "I use a harmon". ____________________

So anyway, there's this Jazz trumpet player who's never made the money he wanted, but hey, that's jazz. He gets run over by a bus and due to his unruly life, goes down to Hell. He stood at the rusted iron gates when a bellowing voice calls out, "Jazz musician are we?..............corridor C, door 14!"

So on he treks, trumpet firmly in hand. As he walks down the corridor he's struck dumb by this absolutely amazing Jazz jam going on. He follows the sound, picking up speed he final comes to the source of the 'Heavenly' sound..........door 14. He can't believe his luck when he opens the door, Dizzy Gillespie, Miles Davies, Buddy Rich..........all the greats were here. Dizzy looks over at him and says,

"Pull up a pew, son, and let the Jazz free." He starts playing, still dumb-founded with his luck. If this was hell, then he'd be happy spending eternity here. Just then the door opens and in walks the devil.

"Right, boys and girls!! Break time over!............." "I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want... You tell me what you want, what you really, really want..." (Or equally annoying music!) ____________________

So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums."Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer." ____________________

Bob Allison, Professor Of Trumpet, Southern Illinois

Bob won the jazz competition at the annual International Trumpet Guild Conference many years ago. Not only a great jazz player, he was equally talented as a legit player. I was honored to play at his wedding in St. Louis many years ago.

The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.____________________

The Definition of "trumpet" in The Band Dictionary:

TRUMPET: 1. An instrument that is meant to be played as loud and out of tune as possible at all times.

2. Known for creating some major rivers, including the Nile and the Mississippi through the action of emptying the spit valve.

3. A small brass instrument the plays very loud. Is always heard over other instruments, and is often the only instrument heard. Trumpet players usually get the solos, and their section of the band room often holds a strange/foul odor.

4. Male trumpet players will always be mad. They traditionally become section leaders and drum majors. The younger male trumpets will always pretend they are better than you, no matter WHAT you do. But they can rub absolutely anything in your face, even if you don't care. It's really funny to play a prank on them. Also obsessed with playing other peoples instruments and drooling ALL over them. Female trumpeters like to make strong impressions on people. They always rival with fellow trumpet players, and blood will be shed when fighting for a solo. Female trumpets are more masculine than flutists and aren't afraid to say it.

5. Trumpeters are fun to watch when they complain about not getting a challenging/important enough part (just as long as they don't get angry enough to kill).

6. By far the most masculine and egotistical people in the band. They have higher testosterone than normal people. The male trumpeters are also the most good-looking in the band and every girl in the band has a crush on at least one of them (only to find out that they really ARE egotistical jerks.... and by FAR the most immature).____________________

The horn section of a jazz combo was on the way to a gig and were killed in a tragic car accident. When they arrived in heaven, God personally greeted them at the front gate and asked each of them who they were and what they did on earth.The first person said, "I was a tenor sax player and I made people happy with my wonderful music."The second person said, "I was a trombone player and I taught people the love of music."The third person said, "I was a trumpet player and I believe you are sitting in my chair."____________________

Bruce Briney, Professor of Trumpet, Western Illinois University

Bruce was always in a practice room. "Most Diligent" would have been on his award at the year's end. He and I were neck and neck in the trumpet history department.

There are two sides to a Trumpeter's personality. There is the one that lives only to lay waste to woodwinds, strings, french horns, percussionists, and trombones, leaving them lying blue and lifeless alongside the swath of destruction that is the Trumpet's fury. And then there is the dark side.____________________

There's three clarinetists who are traveling with their band group on a train to reach the place where they're having a concert. The three clarinetists, however, only buy 1 ticket for them all. The three trumpet players behind them say:"Why did you buy 1 ticket for the three of you? Are you stupid orsomething?” "No, just you watch us and see," the lead clarinetist says, sticking the bell of his clarinet in the lead trumpet player's face.When the train conductor is coming along the aisles collecting tickets, the three clarinetists lock themselves in the bathroom together. When the conductor comes by, he knocks on the door and asks, "Ticket please," and the lead clarinetist hands out the one ticket, and the conductor leaves, satisfied and thinking that only one person was in the bathroom. Well, the trumpet players who had been watching all the time thought that they were better than the clarinetists, and on the way backthey bought one ticket for the three of them. The clarinetists watched this, and, having the clever minds they did, bought one ticket for each of themselves and sat down-all but the lead clarinetist, who ran to the bathroom before the conductor and knocked on the door, saying, "Tickets please." ____________________

Three famous trumpet players are up in an airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?" ____________________

Tiny Tim says to his mother, "Mother, I'd like to be a trumpet player when I grow up." His mother replies "Nonsense! You're already lame!" ____________________

Mike Popp, RETIRED.........

Mike was another natural player. He spent several years in Germany. Going as a winner of a Fulbright, he stayed after getting a job in this little orchestra in Berlin, the Berliner something or other. He's retired now living in Michigan again. He still performs.....every summer with the Community Band. Wonder what chair is his? He gave me the idea to get my Private Pilot's license. Thanks, Mike, for helping Jane and I move the piano.

Trumpets: “You mean there are other sections in the band.” ____________________

What are trumpets made out of?Leftover saxophone parts. ____________________

What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up"? "But Johnny, you can't do both." ____________________

What do trumpet players say when you answer the door?PIZZAMAN! ____________________

What do trumpet players use for birth control? Their personalities. ____________________

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a trumpet player?A tattoo. ____________________

What do you call a lead trumpet player with half a brain? Gifted. ____________________

What do you do if you see a bleeding trumpet player running around in your backyard?Stop laughing, and shoot again! ____________________

What do you do when a trumpet player knocks on your door?Give him the money and take the pizza. ____________________

What does vibrato mean to a trumpet player?Open the spit valve. ____________________

What is a gentleman? Somebody who knows how to play the trumpet, but doesn't. ____________________

Rusty Smith, Soloist, Studio Musician, Teacher

Rusty spent several years playing with Louise Mandrell in her theatre in Pigeon Forge. He still plays with the Temptations and Four Tops, appearing on the HBO Special filmed in Las Vegas. Rusty is also a great comedian and could do stand-up for your party anytime.

What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?A trombone will bend before it breaks. ____________________

What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?King Kong is more sensitive. ____________________

What is the range of a trumpet player? It depends: how strong are you, and how much do you want to hurt him?

What would a trumpet player do if he won a million dollars? Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

What's the definition of an optimist?A trumpet player with a mortgage!____________________

What`s the difference between a baroque trumpeter and a dressmaker?A dressmaker tucks up frills. ____________________

What's the difference between a dog and a trumpet player?The dog knows when to stop scratching! ____________________

What's the difference between a free jazz trumpeter and a terrorist? The terrorist has sympathizers. ____________________

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? About three decibels. ____________________

What's the difference between a puppy and a trumpet player?Eventually the puppy stops whining. ____________________

What's the difference between a 2nd trumpet and a broken vending machine?You have a slight chance of getting a Hi-C out of the vending machine. ____________________

Mike Chunn, Professor of Trumpet, Kent State

Mike won the Solo Competition of the International Trumpet Guild back in the day. He is one of the best piccolo players you'll ever hear. He's equally good on the cornet. I remember he was a pretty good softball player as well.

What's the difference between a sea gull and a trumpet?One is annoying and the other is a bird. ____________________

What`s the difference between a trumpet and a bazooka?A bazooka sounds good in a chamber ensemble. ____________________

What's the difference between a trumpet and a chain saw? Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still. ____________________

What's the difference between a trumpet player and an extra large pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four. ____________________

What's the difference between a trumpet player and Barack Obama? Obama doesn’t play a trumpet. ____________________

What's the difference between a trumpet player and God? God knows he's not a trumpet player. ____________________

What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? I don't know either. ____________________

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. ____________________

What's the first thing a trumpet player says at work? "Would you like fries with that?" ____________________

Mike Dorau, Consultant

Mike was a good soloist and a great quintet member. He held the Principal Chair in the New Mexico Symphony. Now he has a Consulting Business. Thanks, Mike, for dropping what you were doing to help Jane and I move the piano.

What’s the range of a solo trumpet player? About 40 yards if its a "super-light" model. ____________________

What's the range of a trumpet?Thirty feet if you have a good grip. ____________________

These are fines for illegal trumpet actions imposed by the International Trumpet Guild:

Musical Offenses:

Obnoxious show-offy warm-up $25Vibrato on unison passage $50Failure to swing $1,000Sound checking section lick obnoxious jazz lick $15Playing highest not possible during warm-up $10Raising hand after making a mistake $15Practicing multiple tonguing not called for on gig $15Failure to use 3rd valve slide $50Being told by conductor to play louder $400Taking tuning note up octave $25Taking tuning note up 2 octaves $2,500Playing a Bb when band tunes on A $75Blacking out after high note $20Lead Players Changing mouthpiece mid-song $15Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig that day $25Faking section into early entrance $10Faking self into early entrance $20Asking leader if it's ok to take lick up $25Asking leader if it's ok to take lick down $400Taking lick down on gig that you took up on rehearsal $100Missing last note of "In The Mood" $200

Robah Ogburn, Trumpet Repairing, Swing Band

Robah and I were in Undergraduate School together. We played in many ensembles and supported each other through the weekly trumpet convocations.

Non-Lead Players:

Missing entrance when lead player drops out on unison $15Hanging over past lead player on last chord $100Attempting unassigned high lick lead player biffs $50Asking lead player what mouthpiece he uses $75Pointing out to lead player that guy on record took last passage up $20Attempting to out-screech lead player on last chord $100Attempting to out-screach lead player at any time $500

Quoting Herb Albert or Chuck Mangione song $25Casually mentioning to director of cheap theatre that you also play keyboards $100Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days $50Farting on the bandstand $25Taking a dump on the bandstand $75Talking about great deal on your new horn $10Hawking your old horn on the bandstand $15Having a nicer gig bag then the rest of the section $10Practicing legit style on commercial gigs $35Beginning sentence with "When I played with Stan Kenton..." $50

Basic Stupidity:

Continually asking, "Where are we?" $25Drunkeness on gig $25Stonedness on gig $25Sobriety on gig $75Sitting next to leader at pre/post gig meals $100Pretending to be friends with bone players $10Actually being friends with bone players $20Dating a bone player $75Loaning money to a bone player AMOUNT LOANEDWearing old MF tour shirt $15Wearing new MF tour shirt $25(MF=Maynard Ferguson...$500 for not knowing this)

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