Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Whole Heart Path to Healthy Relationship

To begin with, a little about me. Many of you have known me for a very long time as an a an All Faiths Ceremony Officiant with over 20 years experience performing ceremonies and rituals. What you may not know is that I am also a Certified Five Rings Coach and Stress Response Trainer and movement psychology specialist with over 20 years experience teaching people how to communicate and have healthy relationships.

One of the ways that I work with people is to help them to re-frame what they want to say within the framework of the elements, known as the Five Rings, wind, water, fire, ground and space.

Today I would like to give you an example of how I work with couples which might help you with any relationship communication challenges you may be having.

Have you ever been talking to someone and you just weren’t reaching that person? You talk, they talk, you talk, they talk…but there’s no connection. It’s like you’re talking “at” one another. I teach people how to make that connection, how to hear and how to be heard. Part of making the connection is being heard, and the other part is to know and understand the person with whom you are communicating.

Now, you might say, “I can’t possibly know every person that I need to communicate with. What if it’s the guy at the store or my son’s teacher? " Well that’s just it. By understanding the five rings, you can know a lot more about a person than you might imagine. For example, let’s take marriage. Now, this is not a man-woman thing. This is based upon the elemental nature of each person. What ring do you come from most of the time? In other words, what is your usual reaction when pushed to your limit?

Let’s say this couple is out to dinner and he makes a comment, just making conversation, off the top of his head, sort of thinking aloud. She takes it for more than that, and says, “What do you mean by that?” He says, “NOTHING!!” She doesn’t believe him, and they’re off and running in the battle of wives and husbands. He’s getting hot around the collar, feeling attacked and she is angry and put off, unsatisfied by his response.

So here’s another way it could have gone:He makes the comment. She then gets upset. She pauses, takes a breath, softens her belly and knees, opens her palms and in a soft, loving voice says:“You know, when you make comments like that, it makes me feel unappreciated, insecure, unloved (or you fill in the blanks________________, __________________,_________________ ).I wonder why you said it.

He says, “Gosh, I’m sorry. I just wasn’t thinking. That was really not a very considerate thing to say. I’m not really sure why I said it but I will try not to do it again. (Or something like that).

So let’s talk about this in five rings language…Whatever he said, it came from his head, which is from the ring of wind…no feeling, no heart…just words, “off the top of his head”.

Her response was from the ring of fire. It was quick, to the point, angry already, without even knowing what was meant by the comment. Her fire comes at his wind, he feels attacked, gets angry now the two of them just made a bigger fire!

So when I re-framed their interaction, I suggested that she come from the ring of water, with more heart. I suggested a more relaxed approach. This allowed him to examine his words without feeing attacked. He was able to be a bit more watery and go into his heart to feel compassion for how she might have taken what he said in the wrong way.

One thing you will hear me say often is that marriage is fragile. What you put into your marriage is there until the end of your forever, even till death do you part. So think twice before you say that thing you really want to say. "Can I live with this forever?"

If you have a question about this or would like to inquire about you particular situation or communication dynamic, feel free to comment. I look forward to your comments.