In "throw your tree out the window and burn all your possessions" news, it turns out the beloved Christmas Pine doubles as a half-way house for mites, moths, spiders, and something disgustingly named "bark lice". Puke/Shudder. This is giving the Christmas tree rash a run for its disgusting money.

Stimulated by the lights and warmth, they emerge from hibernation in your living room.

"In research on Christmas trees there have been found as many as 25,000 individual (insects)... in some of the trees," says [scientist Bjarte Jordal from Norway's University Museum of Bergen.]

He adds, though: "As they cannot feed on the limited plants found in most households, the bugs will quickly dry out and die.

"These insects and bugs do not constitute any risk or danger to people or furniture. And if anyone is worried about allergic reactions, I don't think there's any danger of that."

He doesn't think there's any danger. THINK. I'm gonna need some more certainty in this area, as "stimulated by the lights and warmth, they emerge from hibernation in your living room" is the grossest fucking thing I've ever read.

I know many of us grew up with Christmas trees — shit, some of us have these terrifying beasts in our apartments as I type — and we're all fine (I THINK), but that's not going to stop me from taking ten scalding hot showers and febreezing the whole damn thing.