October 2006

Even Miss Cleo takes financial advice from this blog…Let’s move onto more important, earth-shattering things, like my favorite brand of laundry detergent, the Texas Governor’s race and why the fuck ChemLawn is more expensive than a late-model used car payment.

Okay, I won’t bore you with the laundry detergent praise (Tide HE has changed my life), but let’s jump right into why current Texas Gov. Rick Perry needs to lose this election and pass the torch (but not his 1940’s-esque ‘crooner hair’) to writer/humorist Kinky Friedman. I’m aware of the two other main candidates in the race, but honestly, would you want to vote for an elderly woman running with the nickname ‘Grandma’ in her campaign? Carole ‘Grandma’ Keeton-Strayhorn is a woman you shouldn’t trust.Why you might ask? Well…

It’s the hyphen. Her name is longer than Ron Jeremy’s schlong. One more ex-husband and she’s going to need an intermission when people publically introduce her. I think she should actually capitalize on the hyphen and SPELL it out. Wouldn’t that be great? Like some rich-bitch from South Florida.
Texans just may be sick enough of the current politicos to oust both main parties and claim the independent Kinkster as their commander. In his past two terms, the only real thing that Perry has done for Texas is to make George W look smart and attempt to convince the good people of Tejas that he’s not secretly listening to Clay Aiken albums while chatting on Gay.com.

Besides, you’ve got to admire a politician that’s got his own action figure…

I spent a few days back in the glittery goodness of Las Vegas recently, this time enjoying the strip for a rather quiet room at the MGM Grand (The Skylofts). What was planned to the hilt as a snag-free relaxing trip turned into a mess thanks to the staff at Skylofts, who were obviously trained by Steven Hawking. Making matters worse, when they were called on their bad behavior, they could barely squeak out an apology and acted as if working as a hotel concierge in Las Vegas gave them carte blanche to act like spider-monkeys in cheap suits.The Skylofts even re-designed his wheelchair. Say hello to the new Hawking!Yep, the room is beautiful: Probably one of the most comfortable and feature-laden in the city, but without good personal service, it’s wasted. I recommend holing up in your room for the entire stay, having some hot sex in the shower (with or without steam) and getting wacky on caffeine from your in-room cappuccino maker. I’m sure for the right price you can get them to have Danny Gans perform in your downstairs foyer. I wouldn’t let him upstairs. I bet he’s the type to go through your luggage. I love the Peppermill.Go there (on the strip) if you’re around.

LOVE at the Mirage, the first Beatles-produced show anywhere, is now devouring those who have smiling nostalgia of the White Album in droves. Skylofts snagged some good seats for the show and I went in with high hopes that they wouldn’t butcher some of the greatest music ever created.

I left the show wondering how they could charge $150 a seat and not have audience members trying to firebomb their set. Let’s figure this out: A French-Canadian company with a mostly foreign cast takes on one of the most quintessential all-American sounds (yes, they were from Liverpool, but it was still Americana) ever… What the fuck was Cirque thinking?

You’ve got a bunch of 20-year old dancers running around the stage, throwing peace signs and words like ‘proletariat’ around like they understand one ounce of what it means. Sure, they were typically great looking Cirque guys wearing little-to-no clothing, but I think the music was horribly missintreperted overall. That ultimately killed the show.

However, the sound and music in LOVE were fantastic. Over 40,000 speakers in the theatre (including 3 in every seat) made this the ultimate concert for Beatles fans, as Cirque, with a large helping hand from McCartney and Ringo, re-mixed songs into one of the most incredible mash-ups I’ve ever heard. They didn’t re-invent the wheel here: They took the baseline from one song, a singular instrument from another and the melody from a third and mixed them all together to form this very new, and very Beatles, sound. I’m eagerly awaiting the CD of the show, which isn’t out yet, but will be in the coming months.

The problem Cirque faces in every show they’ve opened since O is that they keep relying on the same technology again and again. For people who have seen a few of their shows, it ends up playing like a broken record, with the very-predictable flying effects, silks, violent choreography and dreamlike pictures. Cirque needs new blood in the system. Seeing as magician Criss Angel (of A&E;’s Mindfreak) has just signed a 10-year contract with Cirque for a whole new show at The Luxor, this might be their chance to really shake things up.Should he be doing magic or doing my hair? Hmmm…

Somehow I sorta doubt we’re going to see anything new. With Cirque taking in more than $1 million dollars in profit a day from the Vegas strip alone, a ‘if it ain’t broke…’ analogy seems to fit.

The Phantom of the Opera at Venetian was technically stunning. I had never seen a production of this before, so I figured I might as well see the $100 million version. The theatre design is jaw-dropping, as are most of the added effects throughout the show. With this much money being sunk into tech, it definitely takes away from the storyline (huh?) and singing. I’ve never been the biggest fan of Webber’s music and this version seemingly asks the audience to stand and clap for the fireworks rather than the perfo
rmances. I’d recommend this show for those entranced with the score, as it’s orchestrations are beautiful, and also for those who enjoy seeing the limits of technology in the theatre. It’s quite amazing.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a chandelier fall that fast before..

I’m shocked: it’s come down the pipeline that Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe have decided to call it quits. Witherspoon’s publicist will soon be making the news open-source, but for now the two are separated, sharing joint-custody of their very cute children. Of all the couples to separate, this would have been my very last guess.

Millions of gay men rejoice. Dancing in the streets. Ryan’s single! (and now for some gratuitious photos of Ryan in various degrees of undress)

Not an hour after I posted some news about ex-McCartney, Heather Mills in last week’s edition, than an email popped into my inbox with some rather salty gossip about the unbalanced beauty. Seems that Mills is currently in talks with her lawyers about keeping the lid on her past employment as a high-priced call girl!

I’m assuming she charged more if they asked to be spanked with the leg.

No… This was pre-accident and from what I hear, Mills commanded a very hefty fee along the lines of Hedi Fleiss’s best: $15,000 a weekend. Who needs a marriage settlement when you’ve got an ex-arms dealer in Iraq paying the bills?

Would you nail Heather Mills?

Yeah, why not. I’d be curious to see if she shaves BOTH legs for effect

Gay reality star and D-lister Reichen has once again gotten the spotlight to swing his way thanks to a tall tale involving a sexual assault. Seems this muscular mess wrote about a past ‘rape’ in his new book with great detail: The only problem being that he ended up leaving a hickey on his assailant’s neck as well as ‘cumming in two minutes.’ Funny, that doesn’t sound like any rape I’ve ever heard of. If Reichen plays his cards right, he may be able to sell his life story and film rights. Granted, it’ll be produced by Falcon, but it’s exposure just the same I guess.

Boy does it suck to be gay-blogger Perez Hilton. Can you spell ‘Deep Shit?’

Almost forgot: Happy Halloween! As a public service, let me implore those going in drag this year to make sure their face matches their neck. Might I recommend a good powder brush and a consultation at your local Home Depot paint department.