Some neighbours bought artificial lawn from B & Q and laid it on a small patch by their patio. At the time I thought it was very common and lowered the tone of the area, (think Hyacinth Bucket) but after trying to cut the naffing grass in the snow last week it seemed like a terrific idea. All you would need to do is pop out and hoover it from time to time.

But it would cost an absolute fortune, and if Boris powdered his nose or took his trousers down on the 'grass' it would mean sending for a mop and bucket. Unlikely, because he comes tearing in with his legs crossed to use his litter tray before tearing back out again to see if the baby bird he fancied for lunch had waited for him.

My Patient was very sick today and muttered about chemo, but I don't think it was really chemo-related. I think he let his blood sugar descend to ridiculous levels and then gave the emergency jelly babies a hammering. So now he's in bed doing swearing at the TV, Boris is doing thinking, and I'm supposed to be doing this perishing programme for the Golf Club and I'm stuck with it. Committee meeting tomorrow night. Help !

I've had artificial grass put down in the back garden (Nige would be spinning in his grave had I buried, rather than burned him), it's the most amazing stuff...it did cost quite a bit as the Duchess in me picked out the most expensive stuff from the samples I was shown (I had to take my socks off and walk on them...it was the only way to choose). Our grass used to be sodden all the time, insect ridden and generally somewhere I didn't want to be...now I can roll around in gay abandon without getting wet or muddy or covered in slugs etc. Dido (dog) has decided she doesn't like to use it as a poo place, so that's all good, in any case, it's easy to pick up if she does and a quick hose down every now and again keeps it nice and fresh. Our front lawn joins into next doors and so would be difficult to change to artificial turf without altering the look of the road (probably not allowed in the covenants), so that will have to stay as traditional turf...it's my mission to get it green and lush and beautiful. I may be living in a dream world.

I've got my counselling session in a few minutes, so better go and have a wee.

Hey lovely Mo… miss pants is back and I opened a word document to comment as I read through your posts from early April!!! I am where I am on this subject (frozen pretty much) but I have learned that all of us (including the patients) have such different reactions to things. So, going from April I will be a bore…
• Patients often have their quiet times
• Spending money on golf things… I can only go by experience but I was very surprised to find what dad had spent money on.
• I probably would have been a friend who displeased you in buying a cancer food book prior to dad’s diagnoses. It is probably a cancer virgin or Peter has expressed a view he thinks he can control the ghastly beast (and some people do very well with this tactic).
• Starlings are bloody pests and I am spending about a £2 a day on bird food at the moment (not my choice) but at least they are not in any buildings. They are my garden nightmare.
• Tote bags – whatever rocks your boat my lovely??
So, has the buggy been for a drive without the snow? I hope the fatigue is gone as it is a pesky beast (as is Jeremy Kyle). My dad also had blistery things on his head at one point but they went away on their own. It is a random point but make sure always lots of water is being drunk to flush the chemo out. We also got dad a really comfy garden chair that you can adjust for watching tv. Armchairs are not great for tv under these circumstances.
Re Boris and jumping walls… we have a new staffie and he is doing the same in wall jumping to neighbours. A lovely rescue dog but I have no idea how I am going to contain the little blighter. At least his antics are doing what he was supposed to do… cheering up the eldest child.
Re the garden – you can get lovely June blooms. My neighbour does the spring stuff and the summer is wasted…. You should get lots of lovely pots and hangers for the garden as well to convert to the summer.
Always remember… moaning is a great sign of energy I found. If he is moaning that is a sign the car needs a blowout.
I also have a problem… I really hate that I have to scroll up to change pages on the new forum. I already know the fix is to come back more so I do not need to do it. I am trying my lovely. I read and I really want to finish dad’s story but I am just not there yet.
You can always contact offline. I find it easier than the forum at the moment.
Much love my lovely friend.
xxx

Hi Mo great to read your " cheer me up " posts again. Lovely to catch up on Peter again ( and Boris ) and your thoughts on artificial grass lol. Still at the putting one foot in front of the other then going back two but great to be back on the forum as I know everyone understands whereas people I have known for years don't seem to know what to do or say around me. Take care and big hugs.
Elaine
X

Nice to hear from you Elaine. I understand about people not knowing what to say to you. It's odd how close friends can't get on your wavelength, and yet people that you hardly know can say just the right thing at the right time. I noticed it when my dad died. Odd. Anyway, it's lovely to have you back.

I have had an exciting week. I nipped out to buy some fabric (more naffing tote bags) yesterday lunchtime and completely missed a kerb so landed on the side of my foot. It hurt like stink so I sat quietly in my car until the pain had gone off a bit and then drove home. It gradually got better but then by the end of the afternoon my whole foot had turned navy blue and had swollen up quite badly. So I became a statistic in the NHS A & E Waiting Time Tables, and after a couple of hours left hospital with a shiny pair of crutches. I haven't broken anything but I have torn ligaments and can't drive for a while. And this is the week that Peter has 5 hospital appointments ! We managed two of them today, him striding along corridors and me dot-and-carry-one behind him. And people trying to help us to the Bad Leg Department, and us trying to get to the McMillan Clinic and the Eye Clinic . . . . .

Fortunately Peter is well enough to drive today, and should be OK tomorrow, but it's chemo tomorrow and by Friday transport may be a problem. But the freezer is full and I can always get Tesco to deliver . . . . Having broken the other ankle twice I'm quite an expert on crutches but this time I feel quite shaky so I'm happy enough to stay around the house and garden for a few days. And the weather is totally glorious here so that's a consolation. And you can't do ironing on crutches, can you ?

And isn't it lucky that Mr Bogeyman doesn't do extra shifts in Accident and Emergency ?

Hijacking your thread justamo re dandy gals staffy. They are scramblers as well as jumpers. Jake was a staffy x. Get rid of anything on which they can get a foothold. If that's possible. Also inward leaning fence extender/mesh if that's possible and safe. He may be finding something to jump on to get over or a weak spot. Jake used to jump like a cat was amazing to me when I first got him. Hope that helps and sorry for the hijack and about your injury mo.

Aw Mo you could do without your injury and having to use crutches , you need to get Peter to bring you his buggy home from the golf club. I could just picture you and Peter striding ( you hobbling ) up and down the hospital corridors and the waft of Peters expensive aftershave in your wake. Hope your foot feels better soon. Take care
Elaine
X

Had a phone call from my darling cousin at the beginning of the week to say that she has had a stent fitted (Oesophageal cancer) and had been in pain ever since, so she was being admitted to a hospice for 'a few days' to get the pain relief sorted out.

So I filled up the fridge, wrote lots of notes, left My Patient to look after himself and hopped on a plane on Friday to spend a couple of days near to her. Lovely hospice, lovely staff, best of care, magnificent gardens, but still bad pain and a total lack of appetite and thirst. The 'few days' has now morphed into 'a couple of weeks'. Her partner is very positive about everything and is working out plans for her care when she comes home. I feel a little bit as though I'm in Limbo; I can't see a positive side and yet I don't feel especially pessimistic about the situation either.

Peter picked me up at the airport this afternoon. He has managed OK but is sick of chicken and says that he has no appetite. He only wanted a sandwich this evening despite only having had soup for lunch (Google just typed SOAP) but cheered up a bit when I suggested fruit and ice cream after the sandwich. He's had his last chemo and has a scan booked for 29th May. I gave nice tote bags to all the staff who had been so kind to him, and Dr Feelgood got a special one for Mrs Feelgood. She was delighted. I can't get worked up enough to worry about the scan at the end of this month - in a strange way I feel that all of this is preordained and whatever is coming is going to happen anyway without me getting all drama queen about it.

It's almost as though I'm sitting in an audience waiting for the next Act. Perhaps I've overdosed on stress and anxiety ? I know it doesn't sound like it, but despite distraction techniques my every waking minute is about cancer and it's coming from all directions. Even when I hurt my foot last week the first thing the A & E doctor asked me about was my own cancer. What the hell does that have to do with a bashed up foot ?

I daresay that I'm just overtired with travelling and driving 300 miles on top of the flights and by tomorrow everything will feel better. My Patient is sound asleep. My Cat is in bed with him, also sound asleep. Nobody is talking to me, they're all too tired. So I think I will just go to bed myself and wake up in a more sunshiny mood tomorrow. As Nanny used to say.

In many ways you are right, we don't have to be fatalistic but at the same time we do sometimes need to recognise that fretting and trying to push back the tide is unnecessarily exhausting and it can be a relief when we accept our fate. I am put immediately in mind of St Francis, change what we can, accept what we can't and have the wisdom to know the difference. Now if he could only pass on that wisdom!

The limbo is probably exhaustion - flake out and rest, it's allowed. It has taken many months so far for my batteries to recharge and I am still on a trickle charge so don't underestimate the drain on your physical and emotional resources of 24/7 cancer and caring. Worrying will not alter the scan results and not worrying will not cast a bad spell on things. You have a rest from chemo appointments so make the most of it

Rest well Mo, be calm and know that you are not alone and never will be

Hi Mo I have been lax at coming on the forum since Pete passed I think to be honest I felt a bit guilty and worried that I was upsetting people and reminding them how awful PC is. However I think that was just an initial feeling and seems to have eased off a bit.it is nice to read over everyone's posts and catch up with you all.... Life is ever so slowly taking on a resemblance of normality. There seemed to be things to attend to every day and there was always someone arriving or leaving and it was becoming so stressful as I never actually had time to myself to go over personal issues or thoughts. This week has been a lot quieter and I have been walking every day along the waterfront and like Petes song some days are diamonds and I think over happy memories , other days are like stones and every step of the walk is just reminders he is no longer here but I feel good after the walk. Like you I have also got caught up in the garden and passed many hours doing it. I as usual cheered up reading through your posts I can always rely on you brightening my mood. I hope all is well with Peter and that Boris is keeping within his garden boundaries. Take care and try and make time for yourself....it's only now I realise just how hands on we all are and were and how intense every day was ....keep making us laugh Mo it's a pleasure reading your posts.....hugs
Elaine x