ASK DR. SCHUND
(C)1989 Alan M. Schwartz
Dr. Schund, what essential economic keystones are derived from
babies?
The baby reclamation and byproduct industry is a major industrial
bulwark of a failing American economy. The frenzied reproductive
proclivities of our lowest classes have always assured a
bountiful supply of attractively priced raw material.
UMBILICAL CORD. Human fibroblast cell culture lines are now an
important resource for non-animal toxicity testing. Because
unaltered human cells will only divide a finite number of times,
a continuing supply of maximally juvenile living cells must be
available in bulk, and be free of the moral and ethical
considerations of human donor disassembly. Human umbilical
cords are ideal.
PLACENTA. Human placentas are an important source of pathogen-
free human collagen and hyaluronic acid for use in reconstructive
surgery, and as an ingredient in the finest, or at least the most
expensive cosmetics. These materials also form an important
biochemical resource for the academic and industrial researchers.
Human placentas are ideal.
MECONIUM. Ambergris is the scent fixative employed in the almost
finest perfumes of the world. It is a digestive residue of the
giant squid found in sperm whales and regurgitated into tropical
seas, worth many times its weight in fine gold. A secret of the
royal French perfumery, known nowhere else in the world and
disclosed here at the genuine risk of Dr. Schund's life, meconium
is the fixative of the truly finest French perfumes. A
disruption of the minute supply of Tibetan meconium from the
highest Himalayan elevations during the 1790's precipitated the
French revolution. The entire male cohort of the French royal
house, hopelessly addicted to meconium-based perfumes worn by
unscrupulous ladies of the Court, were rendered impotent within a
fortnight. The House of Bourbon fell within the month. A hidden
last flask of Tibetan meconium perfume was recovered in 1814, its
contents carefully husbanded and cherished until the last drop
was consumed in 1830.
BABY OIL. Olives will liberate their oil under pressure, or can
be macerated and solvent extracted to yield a less expensive but
inferior product. Term babies can be hydraulically stimulated to
liberate a quintessentially refined saturated oil employed in the
lubrication of suitably expensive prophylactic sheaths limited in
use to the finest royal Arabian brothels. Successive pressings
yield the lower grade oils accessed by wealthy international
industrialists through a Hong Kong cartel. A final solvent
extracted residue is black marketed at astounding costs.
Supermarket baby oil contains by law at least 0.01% real baby
oil, but rarely more.
BABY POWDER. The extracted, pulverized, deproteinated residue
from baby oil production is a fine white calcareous powder.
Given the most limited supply of this ultra-precious resource,
only the most exulted and noble distaff armpits and crotches are
privy to a gentle fluffing of divine dust. The single acceptable
powder puff for indulgence is made of down plucked from the
breast of a passenger pigeon. Hedonistic abuse of this limited
luxury by the most recent English king lead to his abdication of
the throne, the alternative being a formal ceremonial regicide.
Just as the otherwise moribund economies of highland South
American countries are sustained by billions of dollars from the
cocaine trade, so the long bankrupt US economy has been given
vital succor by the licit and illicit trade in baby byproducts
with the royal houses of Arabia, Europe and England. Were the
baby presses hidden in Federal buildings to be stopped for even a
month, the hollow shell of the American economic system would
collapse upon itself like the rotten house of cards that it is.
Baby byproducts are not merely an economic keystone, they are our
economic lifeline as industrial America progressively withers.