Get Me To The Church On Time

Choosing to marry someone who shares the defining values of your life is not racist.

If the most recent survey by the American Jewish Committee on intermarriage is to be believed, American Jewry has thrown in the towel. The survey said that no more than 12 percent of American Jews strongly oppose intermarriage, and 56 percent would not be pained in the slightest by their children's intermarriage. Of those with married children, two-thirds had at least one intermarried child.

So intermarriage is no longer a problem. In little more than one generation, American Jewry has moved from staunch opposition to uncomfortable acceptance to something bordering on celebration.

To oppose intermarriage today, historian Dr. Jonathan Sarna of Brandeis University points out, means going against the entire modern American ethos. That's because doing so would place group identity over social integration, individualism, and liberal values.

Allan Smith, director of the Youth Division of the Union of American Hebrew Congregations (Reform), gave succinct expression to this ethos: "Young people see no connection between marriage and their own sense of being Jewish. I think it's unrealistic to expect our young people to reject the environment in which they've grown up -- one that places such a high value on inclusiveness and tolerance."

In short, we have nothing to tell our children to convince them not to intermarry.

Disappearance will be the inevitable result of the current intermarriage rate.

The most shocking statistic in the AJCommittee survey was that half those polled consider opposition to intermarriage "racist." Judaism itself, as well as every one of our ancestors, is thereby tarred with the brush of racism in the eyes of half of American Jewry.

Still, those who equate opposition to intermarriage with racism have a point. Consider the nature of the Judaism to which most American Jews are exposed. At the recent General Assembly of Jewish Federations in Chicago, Rabbi Tirza Firestone described the Christmas tree in her house. To honor the memory of the non-Jewish mother of her stepsons, aged 25 and 27, she finds it important to invite them to her house to celebrate Christmas.

Not surprisingly, differences of "theology" rarely pose problems for Rabbi Firestone's intermarried congregants since, as far as they know, Judaism has no theology.

Another GA "expert" on intermarriage, Rabbi Kerry Olitzky, stressed the importance of recognizing that there is "no right way and wrong way to be Jewish." He would replace the old religion of Law by a contentless dispensation.

If Judaism espouses no rights and wrongs, it admittedly makes no sense to search for marriage partners only among those who share the same null set of beliefs. Rather, turn toward those who share one's politics, or taste in movies. The only possible excuse for doing so is some kind of worship of gene pools. And that is racist.

Must then we resign ourselves to the role of helpless bystanders at the disappearance of American Jewry? For make no mistake, disappearance will be the inevitable result of the current intermarriage rate.

Demographers predict an American Jewish community one-third to one-sixth its current size within two generations. Already 70,000 more children under the age of 9 are being raised in homes with one Jewish parent than are being raised in homes with two Jewish parents.

And being raised in a one-Jewish-parent home virtually guarantees the child's loss to the Jewish community.

There is, however, a way to stop intermarriage: Take Judaism seriously.

Even the warm embrace of intermarried couples by the Reform movement has done nothing to stem the hemorrhaging due to intermarriage. So great is the number of non-Jews within Reform that Reform historian Dr. Michael Meyer warns of a movement so syncretized with Christian elements that conversion of the non-Jewish spouses is beside the point.

There is, however, a way to stop intermarriage: Take Judaism seriously.

Any serious effort must start with recognition that campaigns focused on preventing intermarriage have no hope. If being Jewish does not play a central role in a young Jew's life, by the time he or she reaches marriageable age, nothing can be said to dissuade them. If Jews have no unique mission, if being born Jewish is not seen as the greatest privilege, then we might as well all become Episcopalians and call it a day.

The Orthodox community, whose children almost never intermarry, provides the successful model. For those raised with deep Jewish knowledge and a sense of national mission, the issue of intermarriage does not arise.

That mission requires building a home in which Torah values are paramount as is transmitting those values to succeeding generations. That can only be done with a spouse committed to the same values. By definition that spouse must be a fellow Jew, whether by birth or by conversion through acceptance of the Torah's commands as binding. In the latter case, the convert's race or ancestry is irrelevant; only the commitment counts.

Choosing to marry someone who shares the defining values of your life is not racist.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 25

(25)
Shirlee,
August 9, 2010 12:34 AM

The only objection I have to intermarriage,is I am afraid that Judiasm and being Jewish will go by the wayside, unless the children will be raised Jewish. We do not need to lose more of our people, we lost enough in the Holocaust!!!

(24)
Lisa,
September 8, 2004 12:00 AM

Not your typical product of intermarriage

I am a 21 year old American college student. As extra classes, I have enrolled in "Torah," "Biblical Hebrew 101," "The Holocaust," and "History of Jewish Thought." I am on the board of Hillel (the Jewish organization on American campuses) and was formerly the Vice President for Religious Affairs. I am engaged in recruiting Jewish freshman, planning Shabbats and leading some student Shabbat services and planning holidays. Sound like a child from an INTERMARRIED family to you?

The focus for the Jewish community as a whole needs to shift from anti-INTERMARRIAGE to pro-Jewish education. We need more programs like birthright and WUJS, Arad that allow for young people with little knowledge of Judaism to discover its treasures. Such defensiveness and condemnation of loving marriages only makes Jews like me feel ostracized.

(23)
C.P. Christ,
August 28, 2003 12:00 AM

"diversity" is death

Parents are inceasingly being marginalized from control over their own children's education by an educational system that is not responsible to the community it purports to serve, by mass media that slavishly promotes the narrow viewpoint of a biased artistic elite, and the bludgeoning affect of state bureaucracy that snuffs out dissent and cows parents into a fearful placidity.

The so-callecd progressives want us to believe this is needed to usher in the virtue of "diversity". Don't be mistaken -- they have no desire for diversity, because they cannot tolerate any divergent viewpoint. It is becoming more apparent that their idea of "Diversity" depends on the elimination of God and the ideals and morals that have defined the Judeo-Christian ethic.

Each of us must take a stand and intercede in the education of our children. You can no longer have faith in institutions to expose your children to your beliefs. Diversity has become a cypher for intollerance for our way of life.

(22)
Anonymous,
November 14, 2002 12:00 AM

Bashing Reform is not the point

I grew up in the Reform movement and I was inspired to become more religious so I decided to become a reform Rabbi. After a year at Hebrew Union College I came to the conclusion that they do not "practice what they preach" and after investigating Conservative Judiasm and the Chavurah Movement I rejected them and eventually become Orthodox. The essential point as I saw it at that time was that non-orthodox Jews believe that they have the right to choose what they want to practice. If this is true, why don't they teach about Shabbas, Kashrut and other mitzvot. The more that I learned, and experienced, the more that I wanted to do, but you will not find a Reform Hebrew school exposing students to a real Shabbas. I was the principal of a Reform Hebrew School and I learned the hard way, that if you want your students to learn the 4 questions for Passover you better start by Chanukah. After all how much can you teach a child in a few hours a week and still have them feel good about being Jewish.
The point is that Reform Jews are not given a chance to know what they are rejecting. I would love to see Reform Jews honestly exposing their children to a real Shabbas, and then let them choose.

(21)
Sarah,
March 13, 2002 12:00 AM

a very disturbing article

How can it be racist to marry someone with the same goals, beliefs, ideals, and values?!?! How can two people even be compatible if their goals are totally different? Apparently, Jews who intermarry don't see much difference between their beliefs and their spouse's, which shows that Judaism is only a secondary aspect of their lives. People do not marry people if the main aspects of their lives are totally different. People who feel that love of a person is more important than love for G-d, Torah, and the Jewish people are not necessarily selfish; they simply see Judaism as something that you can take or leave on a whim and something that is good when it's convenient but bad when it interferes with their personal lives and their lives in modern society. Furthermore, Reform started as a well-meaning group of Jews who thought reforming Judaism was the only way it could survive. Now it is not only tolerating, but promoting something that so obviously can prevent Judaism from surviving. Some people think Orhtodoxy is what causes Jews to lose their Judaism, but from this article we can see that traditional, Torah Judaism is the only form of Judaism that really encourages a strong enough commitment to Judaism to allow our religion to survive.

(20)
Albrecht Sternfels,
February 23, 2002 12:00 AM

Bobby1769 has missed the entire point!

Bobby1769 who posted comments below, completely misses the point of the article. He is a christian engaged to a wonderful Jewish girl, and they celebrate both Christmas and Chanukah. Great! He says she will not lose her Jewish identity. Yes, that is true. But the point of the article is that it is most likely that their children will. And regardless of whether his fiancee believes it or not, it is completely against the tenets of Judaism to celebrate Christmas! I hope that these two will come to their senses and either break the engagement or let Bobby convert to Judaism.

Albrecht

(19)
Bobby,
February 21, 2002 12:00 AM

Intermarriage

I cannot believe that as a US Citizen this is even an issue. I respect a "PERSON - not a religion". As americans we are taught religious "tolerance" that's why we don't have so much terrorism the way some middle eastern countries do. I am a christian who is engaged to a wonderful Jewish girl. When we marry, she will not lose her Jewish Identity - the same way I will not lose my christian Identity. We now celebrate both holidays as people and plan on raising our kids that way. In december we have a Christmas tree right next to a menorah. This does not confuse anyone. I know who I am and she knows who she is. If more people intermarried, then the world wouldn't be such a screwed up place.

Bobby

(18)
Olga,
February 19, 2002 12:00 AM

Jewish mother

You are a Jew if and only if your mother is a Jew. It is simply as that. Being both a baal teshuvah, and having to go through the conversion (my grandmothers were non-Jews who married Jewish), I can understand and relate to the feelings of those whose mothers might be non-Jews. We can argue for countless hours about the sencetivity, hurt, the emotional damage, the need to love non-Jews, and on and on. But all of those "valid points" are simply a shelter that people use to hush up the guilt of knowing that they are wrong. You can argue all that you want, but the simple truth remains that if you embrace a non-Jew into your personal life the future generation will not feel any close ties to the Judaism. And that is a real tragedy. The intermarriage is wrong!

(17)
Anonymous,
February 10, 2002 12:00 AM

Love your neighbor

It is devastating to learn that your mother is not Jewish by Jewish Law when you are raised as a Reform Jew and believe yourself to be Jewish. Now I have to start from square one. I think that is ok, but many do not care and others in my boat are intimidated. At times I am also intimidated. I just keep reminding myself it is all about THE ONE and that is inspiring.

My suggestion to those of you blessed with a Jewish mother: show your love for those of us on the fence. We do have Jewish blood by our fathers and the more you reach out and less you judge....the more will embrace the Torah. Also, what sounds judgemental and critical to someone like me is likely to be much less than what a Hassid considers offensive. So please remember that we are sensitive too.

Thank you,
Valerie

(16)
Anonymous,
February 7, 2002 12:00 AM

Teach your children well

I agree that there is definately nothing wrong with wanting the beliefs, traditions and values of Judaism to flourish and be passed down from generation to generation and making sure that Jews marry other Jews is one very good way to ensure this. However, as a non-Jew who has a Jewish partner i want to stress that what is important is to pass down a full understanding of the Jewish heritage and religion so that they can make the decision for themselves whether to intermarry or not. I find that too many young Jewish people had a rather neglected Jewish education and now parents are opposing their decisons that are based on that neglect. I think teaching your children to love their heritage and want to be with someone who shares it is not racist but opposing an exsisting inter - marriage is.

(15)
Anonymous,
February 7, 2002 12:00 AM

Orthodox Jews intermarry also--but less.

Alas, "Othodox Jews, whose children almost never intermarry" is no longer completely true.

While the numbers are significantly fewer it is rising as the malaise that infects the entire Jewish community has permeated the Orthodox as well.

Conversions, some sincere, some not, for marriage are also increasing accordingly.

To ignore this is at our communal peril.

(14)
Steve Lukens,
February 6, 2002 12:00 AM

Excellent Article on the Effects of Intermarriage

I thought this was an excellent article on the effects of intermarriage,by Jonathan Rosenblum of the Jerusalem Post. It really does give thinking Jews something to think about.

(13)
J Horn,
February 6, 2002 12:00 AM

Confused

I find it very interesting why this particular issue has brought out such passion amongst the Aish readers. When it comes to Torah, Jewish history, ethics, and other pressing issues we hear nary a peep. But, bring up inter-marriage and, WHOA!, all of the hornets come out of the nest. Now, I feel sorry for those who need to attack at the mention of the topic without even paying attention to the substance of the artice itself. Nowhere did the article present a political viewpoint about outlawing intermarriage. It simply said that intermarriage TENDS to dilute Judaism and diminish the number of Jews in the world. Emprical evidence presented by many sociologists proves that intermarriage causes both. If this causes you no concern then I find it surprising that you even bothered to read the article in the first place, given the fact that you have already made up your mind that to you Judaism is empty of substance. If you are concerned, and find that those trends are deeply troubling, why do you have a problem with an article honestly portraying the situation? Asimilation is not a term referring to the total loss of identity, it refers to the weakening of one's identity to adopt the characteristics of another. Sadly, many of the earlier responses would rather attack any suggestion that they alter their behavior than examine whether there really is a danger with intermarriage in general.

(12)
Gary Johnson,
February 5, 2002 12:00 AM

You make me feel like the enemy

I am the non-Jewish member in an interfaith marriage. We are raising our two children Jewish in a reform synagogue which emphasizes strongly Jewish values and Torah study. I have taken several courses in Hebrew and one in Judaism. I faithfully take my children to Shabbot services, Sunday school and Hebrew school. I am probably in synagogue more than 75% of the Jews in the congregation. We do not have a Christmas tree because I don't want to confuse the children. I deeply love my wife and do everything I can to encourage our spiritual life together. It does and can work. But as far as you are concerned, I should not even exist in her life. I am deeply saddened and disappointed by your article. I neither require nor desire a response. I simply don't want to hear it anymore.

(11)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2002 12:00 AM

I am interested in finding out divorce statistics in jewish marriages in israel and the diaspora. Looking at particularly, those jewish marriages that are engaged in attending synagogue regularly.
Thank you
Don

(10)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2002 12:00 AM

Gjohnso3 - you shouldn't feel bad

I don't think you should feel disappointed at this article because it doesn't really pertain to your situation. If most non-Jewish members in interfith marriages did what you did, then there would be little need for many of the points made in the article.
The fact is, though, that most people in interfaith marriages do indeed raise their kids without much Judaism. And for such a small minority population within this country, that's not good for surviving as a people. This general trend is what the article is addressing, and although he didn't mention specific exceptions such as yours, I'm sure the author would be happy to hear about your particular situation.

(9)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2002 12:00 AM

I completely agree with GJohnso3. Though I am a staunch Reform Jew speaking to a predominantly Orthodox thinking readership,I know I will come under fire for this, but I do not think interrmarriage is a problem. There are even interrmarried couples who raise their kids Christian. That is not a bad thing in my mind. Why is Judaism the only alternative and why does the non-Jewish spouse have to be compelled to convert. Who ever said or proven Judaism is better or more correct than other religions. Plus marriage is a private matter between the couple. Who someone marries is really not anyone's business but their own, and no individual, religious group, or society for than matter has the right to force or impose their will on other people. This is a free country and people can marry who they choose. Religion plays very different roles and its priority is different for everyone, you can't expect everyone to share the same philosophy, values or priority when it comes to religion. Also rabbis not performing intermarriages doesn't prevent the marriage from taking place. The couple doesn't break up, they simply find someone else to perform the ceremony. As for me, I do not know whether or not I will intermarry or not, it is entirely possible that I will. I do not see my values being compromised. There are many things about Christianity that I find appealing actually. Plus I have absolutely no intention of having children whatsoever, and if I did, I would not object to them being raised christian.

(8)
Karl Rose,
February 5, 2002 12:00 AM

What would God say?

I would say, that the responsibility for ones Jewishness resides with the individual. Do not fight over this matter, but to listen to your heart. God is talking to all of us. God knows all, he knows before you or I, who your mate will be. Since it is ordained by God for the people of Israel to teach the people of the world, then I would suspect that God has his purpose in matching up people as He does. We will all eventually die and we must ask ourselves "Did we help our fellow man or did we shun Them?" Are we not witnessing today the wars being fought over exclusivtivity. Think about it.....

(7)
Tim Ball,
February 5, 2002 12:00 AM

Tanakh and Reform Judaism. Where the blame lies...

Assimilation was always a problem for the Israelites. Reform-like "Theology" was the root of this acceptance. Although there is "Nothing new under the sun", Reform "Judgements", go too far.

The Prophets spoke against Reform Judaism so many times that you have to ignore reading any one of these books (Nevi'im) to deny this. They in turn are just repeating what the Torah instructs of the Jewish Nation. Even in the Torah Reform-like Jews were chastized. Numbers 25 is a clear example. Modern Reform thought is even more insulting to Torah...

Until Reform Judasim is challenged and changed, assimilation and inter-marriage will be "The Plague" that it is.

By the way I am not Jewish and do not feel threatened by "Racism" if it is culturally based and positive and open to coexist with others. The drive to keep a race and culture alive should not be looked on as superiority of one over another if that is not the case.

In the case of Jews, history is clear that the stiriving for purity has never been forced on others. Just the opposite. The beauty of Jews in the Diaspora to me, is their willingness to productivity, while maintaining their heritage. In every society they have lived they have supported and benefitted that country or land.

Reform Judaism gives up too much "Theology" to assimilate into society... Like "Christianity" and Islam it introduces a "Replacement Theology" to justify its positions.

There is a misleading of the people going on and I see it in age old movements like Reform Judasim that is at fault.

(6)
folke holtz,
February 4, 2002 12:00 AM

Holding on to the Torah.

I´m a christian but are at the same time drwan to Judaism. I think it is very important to take Judaism seriously. If I was in a situatiuon of falling in love with a Jewish woman, I would convert to ortodox Judaism. First because I loive Judiasm and the second if I love a Jewish woman why not sharthe same ground of belief?

(5)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2002 12:00 AM

I hope this article is widely disseminated

I wish more Jews would care about the future of Judaism and think about that when they get married. It is disheartening to think that although I am providing my child with the best Jewish home I can, she may have little chance of meeting others who have been raised the same way. I can't believe how uninterested Jews are in their own religion. Have we survived the past 5,600+ years only to become extinct thanks to the "melting pot" of America, which reduces everything into a generic, meaningless formula?

(4)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2002 12:00 AM

Not bashing reform

The comment that offended one of the readers was made by a REFORM historian, not by Jonathan Rosenblum.

(3)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2002 12:00 AM

assimilation or intermarriage?

To categorize opposition to intermarriage as racism is just like calling intermarriage assimilation. Is it a fact that all those who marry non-Jews become divorced from their religion? Most Jews that I know who have done so, remain firm in their identities and convictions, and some actually learn more about their religion. I know of one family whose children have repeatedly married non-Jews - and all of the marriage partners have converted. A bit hypocritical, admittedly: "It's OK to marry a non-Jew as long as they convert."

(2)
Avraham Sedaghat,
February 3, 2002 12:00 AM

Racism?! You gotta be kidding!

Perhaps then we should stop discriminating by other things when looking for a potential spouse, such as age, interests, and the like! I cannot believe that some people insist to call themselves Rabbi's and then persuade their perplexed followers to disobey and disbelieve in our King's Torah, may He be magnified and exalted. Rather let our brothers and sisters among American Jewry consider that the Torah says not to intermarry for "he will cause your child to turn away from after Me and they will worship the gods of others."

(1)
Anonymous,
February 3, 2002 12:00 AM

Enough!

Stop Demonizing Reform. The movement welcomes people who otherwise would totally abandon Judaism. It is offensive to say that the movement is so "syncretized with Christian elements that conversion of the non-Jewish spouses is beside the point." Reform Judaism is just as legitimate as Orthodox, although some people don't like to admit it. A lot of people would take their Judaism more seriously, but are put off by Orthodoxy.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!