29 September 2009

An 80-Yard Baby Bomb

Dear Jason Campbell,

By now I’m pretty sure that you know how I feel about you: I think that you’re super. You seem like a really great guy and someone that I’d love to hang out with. I’ve always wished really great things for you and truly hoped that you’d improve and be an awesome quarterback.

But it might be time to face facts: you’re kind of not great at your job. Or perhaps Jim Zorn isn’t great at coaching. Probably both. I do recall the first half of last season when we went 6-2 and the word around town was that you were calling a lot of plays. Was that true? If so, why did Zorn want to go and mess with a good thing?

Sorry. You probably can’t answer that. Regardless, if you want to keep your starting position, you’ll have to make some changes. Like holding onto the ball. Here are some suggestions:

1. The oldest trick in the book: glue your hands/gloves to the ball.

2. Nail/staple your hands to the ball. It may hurt a little now, but not as much as unemployment.

3. Practice with things other than a football, things that you’d never ever want to drop. Like a baby. You wouldn’t drop a baby, would you, Jason? This seems like the best plan ever. It’ll also improve your receivers’ catching abilities. Throwing an 80-yard baby bomb to Santana Moss will ensure a catch and a touchdown because neither he nor anyone else wants to be the guy that let the baby smash on the grass.

Jason, I’m telling you as a stalker friend, that your days are numbered. Even now, Dan Snyder is wheeling and dealing behind closed doors looking to replace you. Your only saving grace is that no one in their right mind would want to be owned by Daniel Snyder so you have a little time before he signs a free agent away from Satan. Please start playing better. I still have a little faith in you—and that’s more than anyone else that I know.