Scream & Wink

The original Usenet author of "The Horror Movie Character Survival Guide" blogs about surviving horror movies, good and bad, and provides a forum to discuss just what makes up a 'killer-thriller' movie.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Original Tip #25 - Do not lay, sleep, or have sex on bloody mattresses.

First of all, let's get this out of the way - eeeeeeewwwwwwwww!!! - Second, studies have shown that blood & gore on mattresses do not correlate well with restful sleep, and most chicks won't dig mangled human spilth as an aphrodisiac. But hell, if you come across a nastified mattress and your honest first instinct is to either lay down or bump uglies on it, then you might as well do so, because you are bound to die a torturous and gruesome death.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Original Tip #24 - Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear they would break easily.

This one is similar to the previous rule, but perhaps less obvious to the (tragically lame) horror movie character. Extreme paranoia is the only way to survive a horror movie. Remember: just because you're paranoid doesn't mean They'renot out to get you. Be mindful that movie windows break too easily (silly candy glass), and horror movie characters near windows become victims and die too easily (silly small-type extras). Don't be that stereotype.

In the real world, things that are dead usually stay dead. In a horror movie, however, you can't make that assumption. In fact, to survive a horror movie, you must assume the opposite. Just like in soap operas, people never truly die in horror movies (unless the sequel gets caught in post-production litigation, perhaps). Therefore, only a foolish character would carry herself anywhere near a depository for the supposedly reposed.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Original Tip #21 - As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

This has proven to be true on more than one level (philosophical levels I'm talking here, not Hell levels). Literally, the reference is to the Hellraiser movies, Clive Barker's story about hell-eportation via puzzle solving, sad0-mas0chistic t0rture deaths, and acupuncture gone horribly wrong.In the more abstract sense, however, this tip has apparently hit an altruistic nerve. If you don't believe us, Google the phrase. Many people feel that this bit of wisdom should be followed in every day life, not just by horror movie characters. We did not originally intend to be so meaningful, but we'll take any attention we can get.

Original Tip #20 - If you've just finished running over the maniac/ spirit/ demon/ creature (MSDC) in your car, keep going. Most certainly DO NOT get out of the car to see if he/she/it's really dead.

This is a tragic mistake that has become a cliche. Why do you care if it's dead or not? If it really is dead, congratulations, you've done something that very few horror movie characters have ever done. You've turned a horrific baddie into a traffic statistic.If not, and you go check to make certain, bye bye to you.

So run the thing down, and then get away. Far, far away. The only reason that you should give up this advantage is if the vehicle is the MSDC.

Original Tip #19 - If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.

Do you see dead people? People you know? As upsetting as that may be, keep in mind that you are in a horror movie, and your own life is at stake, along with your chances to come back in the sequel. So shed a tear, but do it on the run, or you may end up shedding more than you want to.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Original Tip #18 - If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon and as quickly as possible.

A demonic possession can seriously strain the best of relationships. If you have taken Tip #13 to heart, however, you know never to believe that companions have become dispossessed. So, at the first sign of a corporeal takeover, head for the hills, unless you have the situation well in hand.

Original Tip #17 - Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

Never mind horror movies. Do this in real life too, unless your car is so small that the laws of physics make this unnecessary. How many times have you driven your car around, unknowingly carting around a backseat full of invisible hovering ninja mimes? You don't know, do you?

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Original Tip #16 - When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go it alone!!!

This tip cannot be stressed enough. This one also happens to have been mentioned in the Screammovies, which (some have suggested) borrow heavily from the underyling concepts of the original Horror Movie Survival Tips that were posted so long ago on Usenet. We won't judge them. Sure, they have made millions of dollars and royalties incalculable. But hey, we're not bitter. Besides, if enough people read this blog, well, the original authors may eventually be able to celebrate at Taco Bell every so often. We know how to party. Back to the point, though: don't split up. There is strength in numbers, as Papa Smurf wisely taught us so many years ago.

Original Tip #15 - If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.

I wouldn't normally condone the shooting of children, but if they are looking at you with hungry, red-glowing eyes, that's not right. So keep the earlier tip about dispossessions in mind and step away slowly, bringing your weapon of choice to bear. And look at the bright side; you can use that college fund money for something else now. Like therapy.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Original Tip #14 - It is VERY, VERY dangerous to back into or through rooms.

Don't lose your head just because there is a murdering demonic spirit beast in the house. There is cause for concern, yes, but if you panic now, death is guaranteed. Find a non-possessed companion to stick next to, head to the nearest exit, leave the deserted house/ island/ resort/ cabin/ campground/ planet/ behind and head to your local 24-hour grocery store. That's safe and normal. Have a Twinkie. Relax. You're alive, at least until the sequel.

Original Tip #13 - Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."

Don't fall for it, people! It's the oldest trick in the Book of the Dead - pretend that you're no longer possessed, show just a glimmer of your poor pathetic human feelings and such, draw the unsuspecting victim in, and then feast on their soul, disembowel them casually, consume them, or otherwise make them dead, muerte, mort, finito, post vivo, past tense, terminated, target destroyed, demon chow, soul food, corpus carcass, hands-free axe-holder... you get the idea. Don't fall for it.

Original Tip #12 - If you've hidden from the maniac/ spirit/ demon/ creature (MSDC) and you are not found, do not peek from or leave your hiding place, for you are only further endangering yourself.

How many times have you watched a victim do just this? If you've found a good hiding place, keep it. If it's so hidden that it's hard to get the camera in there, then you might just survive the night. You may not know this, but MSDCs don't like to kill people off camera - (unless you've been edited for television) - they don't get to show off their craft that way.