Helping Hurting Children

In 1983, A Divorced Mom Looked Into Her Kids' Eyes And Got An Idea

April 05, 1994|By Jon Anderson, Tribune Staff Writer.

When an 8-year-old kid snuggles up next to his father on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon to watch a football game on TV, about the last thing he expects to hear is his father saying, during a break in the action: "Listen, I just want to tell you. Your mom and I are getting a divorce. I'm moving out next week. Also, I have a girlfriend, but don't tell your mom."

Suzy Yehl Marta winces a little as she tells the story. She has heard thousands like it in the 11 years since she founded Rainbows, a Schaumburg-based group to help children deal with the sudden blows that can hit any family-death, divorce, serious injury or disease. She can quote chilling statistics.

"In any American classroom, one in three children comes from a family of divorce," she says, sitting in her cozy, cluttered office in Schaumburg from which a paid staff of only nine directs 30,000 volunteers at 5,000 sites in 46 states and 10 foreign countries. "There is also a whole population with moms who never married, or dads who are raising a child alone."

Teachers have told Marta that they can predict a divorce a year ahead of time because of academic and behavioral changes in the children. "It's true," she says. "You've got to understand how painful divorce is for children." Also, in discussing death and dying, surviving adults are often inept in helping their children work through shock, grief and, in many cases, guilt.

One boy said he felt he had caused the death of his father, who died of a heart attack a day after a teacher called home to complain about the youngster's behavior in kindergarten. No one ever told him otherwise. He carried the burden until he confessed his feelings of guilt, and was relieved of them, in a Rainbows session six years later.

In another instance, on the Far South Side, an 8th grader on a bike ran a red light, was hit by a car and killed. "Just before the accident," Marta recalled, "one of his classmates had shouted to him to hurry or he'd be late for baseball practice. Had that boy not talked about it, and been reassured, he would have grown up believing the death was his fault."

`Loving listeners'

Like many good ideas, Rainbows is built on a simple premise: listening.

"It's a peer support group," says Marta. "It is not counseling. Not therapy. Groups are led by a facilitator, an adult who has volunteered and been trained to be a loving listener. A support group is not intended as a professional relationship, but to offer support in the sharing of stories."

Youngsters pay nothing to enroll in the 12-week sessions. They can stay with the program as long as they need to. Rainbows sites usually are sponsored by schools, religious organizations and civic groups. Training and materials are provided by Rainbows, usually at a loss. Among those who have lent a hand at the group's annual benefit dinner are Cardinal Joseph Bernardin, Chicago Bears wide receiver Tom Waddle and Connie Payton, wife of former Bear Walter Payton.

"What we want," says Marta, "is to get to kids before they get into drugs, alcohol, plummeting grades or withdrawal from activities. We want to get them involved right after their parents separate, or a parent is diagnosed as terminally ill, so they have a support network from the beginning."

Now winding up its 11th year, Rainbows started in 1983 with three pilot schools. A year later, it expanded to 100 schools. Now, its 5,000 sites average four groups each. Each group usually consists of five children. Last year, in the Chicago area, 21,000 children participated in the program, which in most cases follows the school year, starting in October and winding up in April.

Each fall, sponsoring groups, which pay about $250 for startup costs, mostly supplies, send letters to every child in their church, synagogue, school or civic organization. As Marta put it, "You never know who is out there." Some schools run programs before classes; others, during lunch break or study hall. Most youngsters sign up for a second or third year. Few drop out.

"When they come out of the 12 weeks," Marta said, "our goal is that they will understand that they didn't cause what happened. They will learn to accept what happened. They will learn to cope, to find sources of help. They will understand who they are. And there will be an element of forgiveness for the people who have hurt them. Sometimes, they have to forgive themselves."

Unexpected fears

Marta, in a sense, had to learn to do that herself. "I grew up in the most intact of families," she said. Raised in Glenview, trained as a nurse, her dreams were to be a successful wife and mother. When she divorced, at 30, in 1976, "I had no idea how to handle it," she said. "I didn't know any divorced people. It was something I never could have imagined." To help support her three sons, she took in ironing, sold real estate and worked in a dentist's office. She figured the rest would take care of itself.