(List within the list! Just like the mousetrap in Hamlet! I mean…it's just like that! Identical. Top 5 dudes I would totally bone if, in fact, I were gay. Which I'm not. I know I'm 37 and I live alone with a cat and I haven't brought a date to a family function…er…ever. But I'm not gay, I'm just painfully shy and really not very interesting in person, and I have a girlfriend who totally doesn't even go to our school and these are the top five guys I'd do nice and slow like if in fact, I were gay.

(2) the toupee (3) he was the defendant in an important case I read in law school illustrating the contract remedy of specific performance (4) he gave all of his line readings with a sly smile, like, in his head, during virtually every scene, he was thinking, "Kill me, kill me, kill me – I am Mr. Fucking Brady forever. I would like to jab a pencil into Alice's fat neck. Kill me."

Actually, while Maureen McCormick was supercute, I'm too young for the Marcia Brady thing, I've found that girls on the TV don't translate as well to the young boy demo in reruns (which is why it was important to see Charles in Charge during its glorious first run. Bastards ruined Willie Aames's life – and he will be avenged!) – and yeah, I'm too young to have seen the Brady Bunch except in reruns. I know that shocks you that I'm too young for anything, but there you go. You know who was awesome, though and also before my time – Laurie Partridge. Young Susan Dey. The things I would do to young Susan Dey. The greasy, painful, illegal in Mississippi things I would do to young Susan Dey. She's gotta be in her late 50s now. Think she'd go for a way younger dude of questionable sexual orientation?

3. Candela-The measure of light, the candela is the luminous intensity of 1/600,000 of a square meter of a cavity at the temperature of freezing plutonium (2,024K). Alternatively, the candela is the luminous intensity, in a given direction, of a source that emits monochromatic radiation of frequency 540 × 1012 hertz and that has a radiant intensity in that direction of 1/683 watt per steradian. It was the favorite unit of measure of the homosexual playwright August Wilson and his wife, Raquel Welch's daughter Tahnee. They actually included a reference to it in their vows.

Homosexual Playwright August Wilson: Tahnee, I will love you with the intensity of the positions where the scotopic meets the photopic on the V-lamda curve.

Raquel Welch's Daughter Tahnee: And I will love you as long as 1 watt second equals 10 ergs to the seventh power.

5. The long ton (2,240 lbs)-Same as a gross ton, it's from the British unit of weight, which is avoirdupois weight, like a dram (27 11/32 grams) or a hundredweight (100 pounds). Of course, it's usually the 2000 pound short ton that's used in the U.S., but the long ton was the principal measure used for anthracite coal (in Pennsylvania), for certain iron and steel products in bulk, and in estimating customs duties.

6. The second Sure, you think it's boring, humdrum, overly serious Jividen without any sense of goofy play whatsoever putting the second on this list (yawn) but, actually, the second is the duration of 9,192,631,770 cycles of the radiation associated with a specified transition of the cesium 133 atom.

And that's bitchin'.

Here's why that turns me on. Because absolutely everyone knows what a second is. There's no one above the age of 1 you'll meet who doesn't know what a second is.

Except nobody does. You know?

Everybody knows. But nobody knows.

7. Matthew http://www.mathewbrady.com/Famed Civil War photographer. In 1862, Brady shocked America by displaying his photographs of battlefield corpses from Antietam, posting a sign on the door of his New York gallery that read, "The Dead of Antietam." This exhibition marked the first time most people witnessed the carnage of war. The New York Times said that Brady had brought "home to us the terrible reality and earnestness of war."

And he was killed by a vampire. True story. His last words, "You shall not feast on me you unholy creature of the night!!!"

But his plaintive wail went for not. And now he is among the undead, doomed to walk the earth for all eternity now that they've cancelled Buffy.

And that's a pretty sweet deal. Way better than my deal which involves deciding if the joke I'm working on about Jesus (that it's better that he died young, like James Dean, because what if he wound up old, bloated, fat, bald Jesus, maybe with a gambling problem "Come on sevens! The King of Kings needs a new pair of sandles!" And a golddigging young wife "I know she's only in it for the salvation and the cheap liquor, but I can't help myself, the heart wants what it wants and JC loves the young poon") is too blasphemous or just blasphemous enough. So, big ups to Mrs. Brady.