An alien armada has invaded Earth, leaving cities in ruins and establishing a blockade running from Japan all the way to Australia. New soldiers are needed, so in California, surfing mechanic John Blake joins up along with Tracey Gleeson, a science professor burdened by the loss of her brother in Afghanistan, under the command of John’s best adopted brother Chris Jackson, who’s not long returned from some action in Africa. Heading to Australia, they take up the fight against a force that seems increasingly unstoppable….

I’m assuming that the ‘battalion’ of the title refers to the seven person outfit that our three main protagonists become a part of, though doesn’t a battalion actually consist of over 200 soldiers? I guess that Fire Team doesn’t sound as good, though Squad isn’t too bad a title. But then again little of the army gear that our soldiers wear looks very realistic either so I guess the name of the film isn’t too much of a problem in the great scheme of things. And inconsistencies are rife in this movie, such as the way the aliens and their machines are so easily killed by normal machine guns that you wonder how they’ve managed to nearly take over the world. But the biggest question one probably asks oneself whilst watching Battalion is why on earth writer/director Michael Miller thought that he could pull a melding of Independence Day and Starship Troopers, along with touches of the likes of Edge Of Tomorrow and Battleship, on a budget of just $39,000? I guess that if he’d done it as a small-scale, character-based drama with little reliance on special effects, it might have worked. But no, he tries to do it large scale and spectacular – and fails – though I suppose one has to admire his guts.

Good writing and acting would have helped too, and you don’t get much of that either, so what you really have here is a mostly poor effort that is still possible to enjoy a bit once expectations are drastically lowered, and once you realise that the budget is never going to stretch for a successful realisation of the story. And you realise this right from the very beginning, where we are thrown into a battle involving spaceships and ships of the other kind, the camera swooping all over the place. The idea of opening the film in this manner certainly has merit and would have worked very well if this had been a big budget effort. However, the CGI is just terrible, especially the explosions and the ships which barely look like they’re even there. Having this stuff here is a bad move on Miller’s part, because it shows right away that there wasn’t nearly enough money to get the visual effects even looking half decent. He would have been better off not bothering with it at all. Instead, it gets the film off to an appalling start and certainly didn’t make me excited about seeing the rest. And something else irritated me almost immediately after when it was obvious that most of the cast members were Australians but were attempting American accents, and not doing it very well. Surely it would have been if they’d just kept all the characters Australian rather than having them go back and forth from variable American accents to Australian ones, even if much of the first third is set in the United States?

Some text tells us that earth is being conquered and that an important mission is taking place. Cut to our three heroes, wondering around an island and sometimes shooting the little alien machines, though we constantly cut back to how they got there. A dreadful slow motion American football game on a rooftop introduces John, who can apparently mend anything. “I have something I need fixing….my truck makes a noise” says a flirty girl who’s hanging around. When we next cut to John, he’s round her house and she jumps onto his lap. Meanwhile adopted brother Chris has just been made lieutenant in the Marines and is introduced as a devoted husband and father. And teacher Tracey is shown going on a date with a guy who goes on about alternate universes while she knocks back the merlot. These scenes are rather painful to watch with their shoddy writing and poor line delivery, though truth be told the film does eventually improve a bit – honestly! Chris has to go back on duty to fight aliens who have arrived and who are bent on trouble, so John takes on the task of getting the Jackson family to safety before Los Angeles is destroyed. However, the plane they’re on is blown to bits in one of the better effects shots of the movie. A very subdued and guilty John decides to join the military too. “So has anyone shouted at you yet?” he says to Tracey who happens to be sat next to him on the bus, and of course we then get our usual tough, rude, foul mouthed drill sergeant in the next scene.

He reunites with Chris and their minute ‘battalion’ soon begins to encounter the aliens and their machines, but Chris isn’t handling the pressure well, not seeming to care what happens to him or any of his troops. It all climaxes in this final mission that you saw a bit of at the beginning, and without going into too much detail it really is ridiculous how it was thought that the tiny amount of money at the disposal of the production could properly realise what’s going on. And yet, even before then, I did care a bit about the principal characters and their relationships, despite their flimsy writing and the poor performances which rarely feel [and certainly don’t sound] natural, especially that of Jesse Anderson as John. Sometimes lines are mumbled, something that certainly doesn’t help when the talking is often muffled by poor sound mixing and drowned out by sound effects. There are even scenes where someone will sound like they were recorded really quiet and somebody else will sound as if they were recorded really loud in the same conversation. I honestly don’t think that not having much money is a good enough excuse for this kind of thing, what with the technology you have these days.

The many battle – or rather skirmish – sequences are actually quite well shot, lacking the often irritating, edited-within-an-inch-of-their-life style of much big screen action these days, though the bland Remote Control-style score [not credited to anybody], with an unmemorable piano theme taking up much of the second half, hardly ramps up the excitement. And yes, you can see everything that’s going on, but that unfortunately means that one notices more things like, for example, the black CG dots that emit from people when they’re shot. Miller is credited with doing the visual effects himself, so I should probably cut him some slack if they were indeed a one man job, though it would have been better if, for example, he hadn’t bothered with putting in those black dots in the first place. The alien spaceships have been seen many times before, the drones resemble similar creatures in Starship Troopers and look okay in some places, terrible in others, especially when you see lots of them, such as during a little bit of city destruction which is virtually over before it’s begun. Again, if there wasn’t enough money to show this stuff properly, then why try to show it at all? The actual aliens look like the recent incarnation of Robocop though we don’t see them very often.

Not quite as dreadful as some of the awful cheapie imitations of Hollywood blockbusters that frequent your local supermarket, Battalion still manages to be reasonably watchable for much of the time despite its many shoddy aspects, but to be honest it’s not really worth bothering with unless you really are desperate for yet another alien invasion.

When his village is plagued by mysterious deaths marked by highly accelerated aging, Dr. Marcus calls in his army friend Captain Kronos who, along with his companion Hieronymus Grost, is a vampire hunter. Along the way, Kronos and Grost take in a local gypsy girl, Carla, who had been sentenced to the stocks for dancing on the Sabbath. Grost explains to the initially sceptical Marcus that the dead women are victims of a vampire who drains not blood but youth, though this is contradicted by an eyewitness who claims to have seen “someone old, very old”, whereas a youth-draining vampire should appear youthful. Perhaps the rich Durward family who live nearby are involved?

It’s a great shame that this most comic booky of Hammer productions didn’t take off, because the cinema is worse off for not having a series of Captain Kronos films. I’m sorry Bram Stoker, Peter Cushing and everybody else associated with the character of Van Helsing, but the pot smoking, woman shagging, sword fighting Kronos [who is really closer to Blade] is an even cooler vampire hunter and I still like to think, now the film has considerable cult status, they may revive him for a TV series. An even more radical take on the world of vampires than Vampire Circus, Brian Clemens’s second film for the studio, which he directed as well as wrote, is easily as fun as his first Dr Jekyll And Sister Hyde, and is only seriously hampered by an even smaller budget than normal which does sadly show throughout. I suppose you could also complain that too much happens that goes unexplained, such as a gory vampire bat attack. It’s never stated elsewhere that these vampires can turn into bats or can summon them. The event just happens and we’re none the wiser, but then we’re in the world of Brian Clemens, where randomness is often the order of the day, so should this approach really be considered a problem?

Clemens was asked to write a vampire film, and his crew comprised greatly of Avengers alumni. He wanted Simon Oates as Kronos and Ingrid Pitt in the small role of Wanda Ventham, but was turned down by both. A huge search was made for a suitable Kronos until Horst Janson was found, though his German accent was deemed too thick so Julian Holloway looped his performance. Ian Hendry said that he’d lay of the drink while he shot his small, three day role. Clemens found him with a can of lager in his hand in the first morning of shooting and said to him: “I thought you were going to lay off the booze”. He replied: This isn’t booze, it’s lager”. The film was shot ast Elstree and Borehamwood, Hertforshire. Sadly some of Clemens’s more elaborate ideas like a golden coach for the Durward’s could not be realised due to the budget, most of which was provided by a refundable loan from the National Film Finance Corporation. Hammer didn’t like the film, which got an AA [suitable for those of 14 years old and over] rather than an X certificate, and failed to release it for two years, when it crept out on a poorly distributed double bill with martial arts movie The Girl With The Thunderbolt Kick. This nixed Clemens’s plan for some sequels in which Kronos would travel across time battling various monsters, though three issues of House of Hammer magazine carried a comic strip follow-up.

So once again young women who wonder into the forest are being killed, though this time it’s during the day, something which lessens the atmosphere of these scenes but in a way makes things scarier. We know that vampires can walk about in the daylight, but they’re not supposed to possess their powers. These ones are obviously different. As Kronos’s companion Grost [“What he doesn’t know about vampires wouldn’t fill a flea’s codpiece” says Kronos] says: “There are as many species of vampire as there are birds of prey. The traditional stake through the heart does not always hold good, you know, while the cross can only protect those who firmly believe”. The latter two points actually only confirm information that we were given in Dracula Has Risen From The Grave. These vampires also drain youth rather than blood [the rich draining the poor, as it were], cause flowers to wilt when they pass by them, can make dead toads come back to life if they walk over them, and only seem to be harmed by steel. Kronos has his work cut out for him, but he likes to spend much time resting and mentally preparing for the task ahead. In one amusing montage he meditates with a towel over his head while Grost busily fashions some swords out of steel. The touches of comedy are much like this throughout – quite low key, and never seeming out of place. Kronos also spends much time sleeping with the delectable Carla, who virtually comes on to him soon after he’s rescued her from the stocks. Caroline Munro doesn’t really have much of a character to play, though Carla does later aid Kronos and Grost in their mission.

There’s emnity between the village’s Dr Marcus and the Durwards because Lady Durward’s husband died from a disease whilst in the care of Marcus. As she’s not of Durward blood, she ages while her children Paul and Lois remain youthful. Because Kronos likes to take his time with matters, the film has a slight sense of marking time too in places, even though he does sometimes get to show his prowess with a sword. There’s a great very Western-style bit in an inn where a bully named Kerro insults the hunchbacked [and isn’t it nice that this is the first time his disability is mentioned?] Grost and draws a sword on Kronos. In lightning speed, Kronos moves his sword twice to despatch not just Kerro but two other goons. His battle with some villagers in a graveyard is scrapily staged and shot, but his climactic sword duel with none other than fight arranger William Hobbs [Flash Gordon, Excalibur], despite Clemens saying that he didn’t have enough time to film the scene to his satisfaction, is really pretty good for a cheapie production such as this even if it’s obvious that Janson can’t really fight and is totally outclassed by his opponent. It’s slightly clumsy, semi-improvised yet realistic and athletic in a manner recalling Hobbs’s work on the 1973 The Three Musketeers and its sequels except for the humorous bits in the fights in those films. By now we’ve been treated to several surprise revelations including the cheeky information that one of the vampires is actually a member of the Karnstein family, which makes it a shame that Pitt didn’t play the role.

The most famous scene is the amusing one when Marcus returns from Castle Durward a vampire and neither a stake through the heart, hanging nor fire succeed in killing him. A steel crucifix eventually does the trick. The brutality isn’t dwelt upon – this is a rare Hammer vampire flick in which we don’t get to see the stake go bloodily into the body. Likewise the vampire attacks, though sometimes effectively staged especially one that takes place largely reflected in a mirror, avoid gruesomeness though plenty of blood is spilled by swords. The shots of aged victims are quite good and Lady Durward looks suitably decrepit, though the deaths of the vampires are handled in just a couple of shots while the sets really are sparse and only partially convincing. Clemens and his cinematographer Ian Wilson attempt to make up for this with some often stylish camerawork with unusual angles and odd editing in places. Another vampire attack has several consecutive shots go into freeze frame. A visual highlight is when Kronos and Carla first ‘get it on’ and move towards each other drifting in and out of dark shadows. It’s almost dreamlike. By contrast, probably the scariest moment is when, as a girl prays for her dead sister in church, the huge cross reflected on the wall starts to change shape before, at the moment of attack, a glass of wine tips over, soaking the altar. Again, there’s no real reason why the cross should do this, but it doesn’t matter much.

Janson, who’s 40 years old but looks several years younger, definitely looks the part and displays much vigour [he did all his own stunts], but is a little wooden at times even if we take into account that the voice we hear isn’t his own. He tries hard to be cool and restrained in the manner of, say, Clint Eastwood, but lacks the screen presence for this to work. He does have a good chemistry with John Nater as Grost though, the two almost coming across like Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson. Shane Briant is oddly bland in this one though – maybe Clemens’s inexperience as a director caused him to not push his actors enough. Laurie Johnson wrote the vibrant score which has a terrific galloping main theme that really gets the viewer in the mood for action and adventure. A cymbalon variant provides the ‘love’ theme and the final swordfight gets some great descriptive musical backing. Elsewhere Johnson uses a lot of Bernard Herrmann-style chords and chord progressions. With a bit more money and a bit more time spent on it, Captain Kronos Vampire Hunter could have been a classic. As it stands, the mixture of horror, swashbuckling and [deliberate] camp still makes for one of Hammer’s most entertaining later efforts, full of invention, charm and even wit.

]]>http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/docs-journey-hammer-films-118-captain-kronos-vampire-hunter-1974/feed/0WESLEY SNIPES TRIED TO GET ‘BLACK PANTHER’ MADE IN 1992!http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/wesley-snipes-tried-get-black-panther-made-1992/
http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/wesley-snipes-tried-get-black-panther-made-1992/#respondMon, 19 Feb 2018 22:41:07 +0000http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/?p=121650 Though I don’t personally consider it to be anywhere near the masterpiece that many are proclaiming it as, there’s no doubt that Marvel’s Black Panther is already an enormous success, one of the top [...]

Though I don’t personally consider it to be anywhere near the masterpiece that many are proclaiming it as, there’s no doubt that Marvel’s Black Panther is already an enormous success, one of the top five openers in movie history. Would it have been so successful if it had been made in 1992 though? The question merits thinking about because Wesley Snipes was recently interviewed by Variety, and said that he tried to get it made back then.

“We thought it would be very cool and atypical for a Marvel comic-book character. Something that would be appeal to white people, black people, Asian people, and have some martial arts in it and expose the world of Africa in a way that most people were unfamiliar with and very contrary to the stereotypes that are projected about the continent.”

“I contributed to a script. There were maybe three different scripts that were penned for the project. It was quite challenging finding the right director. We wanted to keep it true to the comic book. In the comic book, Wakanda is a mecca of sorts of diverse culture and beliefs and systems and skills and warriors and, of course, the martial arts. African martial arts was featured in our version, which most people in our world didn’t know exist. It would have been a culturally diverse, shithole! [He laughs, referring to Donald Trump.] A very rich culturally diverse shithole.”

“We never got to the costume part. We figured it was going to be leotard tights. We never even got to a budget. At the time, there were no templates for it. Marvel was going through some restructuring. I was quite busy at the time. I don’t recall it being that traumatic. We went on to do other interesting things. Within two years, the Blade opportunity came around, which was just as cool. Hey, it’s good to be ahead of the game and being alive long enough to see its fruition”.

He’s enthusiastic about seeing Ryan Coogler’s version, but added:

“It can be kind of funny to go see this one and think. ‘Why aren’t you up there?’”

Would this have worked back in 1992? I’m kind of glad that it didn’t get off the ground then, because then we may not have had the perfectly cast Snipes as the awesome Blade!

]]>http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/wesley-snipes-tried-get-black-panther-made-1992/feed/0JORDAN PEELE TO SHOOT NEW FILM THIS YEAR, WILL “ADDRESS SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN RACE”http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/jordan-peele-shoot-new-film-year-will-address-something-different-race/
http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/jordan-peele-shoot-new-film-year-will-address-something-different-race/#respondMon, 19 Feb 2018 22:30:01 +0000http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/?p=121651While I still feel that its final act let things down just a little, I did thoroughly enjoy the creepy, funny, clever and hugely successful Get Out, so I’m most intrigued to see what he does [...]

While I still feel that its final act let things down just a little, I did thoroughly enjoy the creepy, funny, clever and hugely successful Get Out, so I’m most intrigued to see what he does next. He recently teased that he’s open to making a Get Out sequel, but it looks like his next will be another original genre film. As he said to THR:

“You know, I think it’s important to focus on stories that are true to me. My next film, I am currently writing it and I’ll direct for Universal this year; I’m just trying to entertain myself again.”

“One thing I know is that this is genre; and playing around with the thriller, horror, action, fun, genre of intrigue is my favorite. That’s my sweet spot. So I think tonally it should resemble Get Out. That said, I want to make a completely different movie. I want to address something different than race in the next one.”

It’s not much to go on really, but we’ll keep you posted as soon as we find out more!

]]>http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/jordan-peele-shoot-new-film-year-will-address-something-different-race/feed/0“YOU WILL BE VERY HAPPY AND VERY SCARED” SAYS JAMIE LEE CURTIS AS ‘HALLOWEEN’ WRAPShttp://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/will-happy-scared-says-jamie-lee-curtis-halloween-wraps/
http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/will-happy-scared-says-jamie-lee-curtis-halloween-wraps/#respondMon, 19 Feb 2018 22:25:10 +0000http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/?p=121652 After a rather short four-week shoot, Blumhouse’s Halloween reboot wrapped the other day, though there will probably be some pickups and reshoots to come. Star Jamie Lee Curtis, reprising the role of Laurie Strode, [...]

After a rather short four-week shoot, Blumhouse’s Halloween reboot wrapped the other day, though there will probably be some pickups and reshoots to come. Star Jamie Lee Curtis, reprising the role of Laurie Strode, has completed her scenes and departed, but not before sending a final tweet promising fans that they’ll like the end result, along with the above picture of her holding a Michael Myers painting.

“And that’s a wrap. Darlene Vega painted this of Michael Myers. Everybody who made the movie did so because of their passion for John Carpenter and Debra Hill’s original vision. I think you will all be very happy and VERY scared. See you 10/19/18”.

I can’t help but still be a bit apprehensive – like fellow HCF writer Ross Hughes, I feel that Rob Zombie did some real damage to the Halloween franchise which I can’t help but think about. But we’ll see.

Official Synopsis: Jamie Lee Curtis returns to her iconic role as Laurie Strode, who comes to her final confrontation with Michael Myers, the masked figure who has haunted her since she narrowly escaped his killing spree on Halloween night four decades ago.

The film is directed by David Gordon Green from a script he co-wrote with his frequent collaborator Danny McBride. In addition to Curtis, the film also features original Shape actor Nick Castle reprising the role of Michael Myers. Other cast members include Judy Greer, Andi Matichak, Virginia Gardner, Miles Robbins, and Will Patton. October 19th is the release date.

]]>http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/will-happy-scared-says-jamie-lee-curtis-halloween-wraps/feed/0Win THE HOUSEMAID on Dual Format in Our Competition!http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/win-housemaid-dual-format-competition/
http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/win-housemaid-dual-format-competition/#respondMon, 19 Feb 2018 19:44:51 +0000http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/?p=121648To celebrate the release of THE HOUSEMAID, a refreshing update of the gothic-horror genre, on dual format in the UK, we’ve a copy to give away to one lucky reader, courtesy of Eureka Entertainment’s new [...]

To celebrate the release of THE HOUSEMAID, a refreshing update of the gothic-horror genre, on dual format in the UK, we’ve a copy to give away to one lucky reader, courtesy of Eureka Entertainment’s new label, MONTAGE PICTURES.

Linh is a docile and hardworking poor orphaned girl who comes to Sa Cat seeking a housemaid job. Sebastien Laurent is a French captain and owner of the Sa Cat rubber plantation. For years, the massive mansion is rumoured to have ghosts, particularly those of Camille – Sebastien’s late wife—and the mistreated plantation workers. Once Linh comes to Sa Cat, she begins to hear strange sounds, have frightening dreams, and witness bizarre occurrences. After some time, Linh and Captain Laurent become close to each other and develop a romance. However, their love soon awakens the vengeful souls of Sa Cat plantation.

With its sumptuous visuals and memorable scares, The Housemaid is a bold update of the gothic-horror genre, and Eureka Entertainment is proud to present the film in its UK debut as part of Montage Pictures.

THE HOUSEMAID, a refreshing update of the gothic-horror genre, will be released in a Dual Format (Blu-ray & DVD) edition on 19 February 2018, and is available to order here http://amzn.to/2rRrXRL

For your chance to win THE HOUSEMAID on Dual Format, simply answer the following question correctly:

The competition will close at 11.59pm GMT on Sunday 25th February 2018 and one correct entry will be chosen at random.

T&C’s
• This promotion is open to UK residents only.
• Entrants must be aged 15 years or over
• One entry per household
• No alternative prize is available
• One winner will win 1x The Housemaid on Dual Format
• The Editor’s decision is final and binding on the entrants. No correspondence will be entered into.

Plastic surgeon Dr. Phillip Reynolds learns at the will reading of his deceased father-in-law Robert Thorndyke that his missing daughter daughter Heather has inherited the family fortune of five million dollars. This makes Reynolds and his brother-in-law Bradley angry, so later that night while driving the pair come across a badly beaten go-go dancer whom Reynolds offers the chance of inheriting some of his daughter’s fortune if she agrees to allow him to reconstruct her face so she looks like his daughter, and to act like her. She accepts, and the scheme is in motion. Everything is going according to plan until the real daughter shows up….

Though initially coming across as another variant on the poetic French classic Eyes Without A Face which inspired a great many later films from The Awful Dr. Orlock to Mansion Of The Doomed, Scalpel soon begins to be influenced more by stuff as diverse as Pygmalion and Hush…Hush Sweet Charlotte, so those expecting a horror movie may be somewhat disappointed. The juicy and rather perverse melodrama that results though still has its disturbing aspects even it holds back on showing us extreme content, though the fact that the film was amazingly released as a ‘PG’ in the US remains surprising even if you know that some short cuts were made. As with a lot of these old cheapie efforts, it’s not the finest film technically [though this partly depends on which version you see – more on that later], but the acting’s mostly pretty good and there’s an element of dark humour to the whole thing, the film often realising the absurdity of it all but resisting the temptation to turn it all into an out and out comedy. I found it to be a less exciting but a better balanced work than John Grissmer’s later slasher Blood Rage, which also came out from Arrow Video some time ago and which I reviewed then. The two films share some of the same themes, notably of course that of two people who look the same and can be mistaken for each other, though of course in Blood Rage we were dealing with actual twins.

Scalpel is one of those films that, due to its relative obscurity, seems to have little information on the net floating around about it, so as I sometimes do I’m going to skip the ‘background’ paragraph I normally do for older films and delve straight into the film itself. We initially feel the anger of Reynolds, cut out from his father’s will, though as the will is read out and we here that Thorndyke blamed Reynolds for the disappearance of his daughter, we sense that something may not be right with him. And it’s possible to feel even more sorry for brother-in-law Bradley whom Thorndyke considered: “The supreme disappointment of our life”, and is just given – Thorndyke’s dog. In fact it’s soon revealed, via a flashback, that Reynolds killed Heather’s boyfriend and made it look like an accident. Still, he’s being kind when he reconstructs the face of a battered go-go dancer – isn’t he? The scene introducing her is odd, as she’s thrown out of a club and one of the bouncers bashes her head to a pulp against a wall. I know bouncers can be heavy handed when dealing with undesirables, but going as far as this? Surely Grissmer, who also wrote the screenplay, could have thought up another reason for her to have a face smashed up? You just have to go with absurd stuff in films of this ilk and forget that they’re taking place in anything resembling the real world.

After the operation and just a teeny bit of medical gore, the woman, whose actual name remains a mystery so is usually called Jane Doe, is understandably upset at her saviour having made her look like his daughter, though the offer of some of the money intended for Heather is a nice sweetener. Reynolds trains her to act and sound just like his daughter, and for a short while it’s rather like watching Vertigo but this time being allowed to see Gavin Elster train Judy Barton to masquerade as his wife Madelaine before Scottie starts trailing her. I also found leading man Robert Lansing’s resemblance to Cliff Robertson, who starred in the Vertigo-inspired Obsession around the same time, rather interesting. That film had an incestuous element though it wasn’t to the fore. You can’t say that about this one, Reynolds needing just one or two come-on lines before he commences a sexual relationship with this woman who, lest we forget, is now the spitting image of his daughter! But then by now we’ve had other examples of this guy’s insanity and cruelty, most memorably a flashback where his wife is drowning while he cheerfully paddles by in a little boat. Another amusing highlight is a funeral jazz party that puts the one in Live And Let Die to shame!

Jane is a success meeting the family until asked to play the piano. Heather was a progidy, you see, but Jane just can’t play at all. Then the real Heather shows up, and doesn’t actually seem that surprised to see that in her absence a replica has taken up residence in the house. The two women spend most of the time disliking each other, though occasionally manage to bond, one of them suggesting that they swap places to confuse Reynolds. In fact this idea, which you’d think the film might exploit a lot, isn’t used very much. The generally languid pace picks up in the final quarter and we even get a good old chase in the woods where the woman’s wearing a bikini. The plot gets a bit more complicated though I must say that I wasn’t surprised by the major revelation which will remind you of several other films. However, there certainly are a few surprises, like when you think somebody’s going to visit a house to try and kill someone and instead just does some plumbing work.

Direction is mostly workmanlike though there’s a great bit where the camera pans right from Reynolds saying to Heather: “You’re going to meet the family” to her actually doing so, the transition almost invisible. The film doesn’t always look much – well, if you watch the Arrow version, which gives us the film as it was preserved on the internegative and which has been approved by Grissmer. However, also on this release is something called the Lachman Grade. Cinematographer Edward Lachman made some colour adjustments to the release prints, and he’s tweaked the new restoration to reflect these. The difference is enormous, the Lachman Grade emphasising green and yellow to evoke a more humid atmosphere redolent of the Georgia setting and locales. I personally feel that the Lachman Grade is a far better watch than the more naturalistic Arrow Grade, the use of the two main colours making for some genuinely impressive shots. I mostly watched this version but sometimes switched back and forth between the two. Some bits which don’t look anything special on the Arrow Grade look far better in the Lachman Grade, for example the wood chase where the sun is setting behind the trees. Of course some may prefer the other one but kudos to Arrow for including both versions and allowing the viewer to make up their mind.

Robert Lancing makes for quite a believable [despite the silliness of most of the situations he’s in] psychopath, with his confident facade yet with a voice that seems to carrry some pain. Every now and again element of his insanity break through. Perhaps his best moment is when, in a film that’s all very restrained in terms of violence, there’s one rather upsetting death when somebody has a heart attack and drops to the floor. Reynolds calmly watches him die while making wisecracks and pounding out “Chopsticks” on the piano keys. Judith Chapman is rather odd. She’s, truth be told, a bit wooden in a few places, but she does nicely differentiating between the cocky and playful Jane [which she’s also far better at playing], and the timid and insecure Heather. There is some splitscreen which is almost seamless, but most of the scenes of the two together are all done either with edits or with a body double being shown from the back. It all comes off very well. Composer Bob Cobert provides a lushly romantic theme straight out of a 50’s movie which adds an ironic aspect and which sometimes reappears in a more dramatic variant, plus lots of the usual percussion. Overall Scalpel, while definitely not a neglected minor classic, is a fairly well crafted effort [and one of those films that, due to the nature of its story, is possibly more rewarding to watch the second time around], as long as you’re able to put to the back of your mind what somebody like, say, Brian De Palma would have done with this material.

Rating: 7 out of 10 stars

Both versions of Scalpel benefit from the usual excellent Arrow restoration, replete with just the right level of grain and strong image depth. As I’ve said, I greatly prefer the Lachman Grade, but it really comes down to how you prefer it to look – more realistic or more stylised. I personally think that Scalpel is a picture that benefits from not looking quite’ normal’.

With no previous special features to port over from anywhere, Arrow have put together some of their own. I doubt that even big fans of this film would have ever expected it to be treated in this manner. The 11 minute The Cutting Edge has Grissmer, who’s only directed two feature films, talk about how he got into filmmaking, praise his lead cast members, and say how he’d like to make something like Manchester By The Sea. He’s even enthusiastic about the idea of a big budget remake! The 15-minute Southern Gothic has Lachman discuss his photography and go into a major defence of why he re-graded the film. The interesting question of whether modern digital techniques ought to be used or not is raised. And the 25-minute Dead Ringer has a very sparkly Chapman talk with warmth about her memories of the production and her co-workers. It seems that much fun was had after filming, going to clubs and the houses of local crew members who would cook them huge meals at midnight.

The audio commentaries of Richard Harland Smith are well regarded though the was the first time I’d heard one. He’s unearthed a lot of information, from beginning with the script’s origins in a true event where a man died in a car crash and his wife, who survived, had her face reconstructed, to the other actors who were asked to play Reynolds. He runs out of steam a bit towards the end where he talks for great length about Lansing, his other performances and a couple of stories involving him, but still maintains interest, with hardly any gaps. I would have preferred him to have criticised aspects of the film which he felt weren’t that great, but he seems a bit too in awe of it. Still a good commentary, and well worth a listen.

Though it’s hard to really call it a horror movie, Scalpel is a fun and interesting watch which, as Smith says, is definitely its own film despite the great many influences it wears on its sleeve. Arrow’s edition of the rare film seems to be the first decent home release it’s ever had, which should be reason enough to check it out.

Rating: 7 out of 10 stars

DIRECTOR-APPROVED SPECIAL EDITION CONTENTS

*Brand new 2K restoration from original film elements
*High Definition Blu-ray (1080p) presentation
*Original Uncompressed Mono Audio Optional English subtitles for the deaf and hard of hearing
*The Cutting Edge: Interview with writer and director John Grissmer
*Southern Gothic: Interview with cinematographer Edward Lachman
*Dead Ringer: Interview with star Judith Chapman
*Brand new audio commentary by film historian Richard Harland Smith
*Original Theatrical Trailer
*Reversible sleeve featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by The Twins of Evil
FIRST PRESSING ONLY: Collector’s booklet with new writing on the film by Bill Ackerman

]]>http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/scalpel-1977-blu-ray-now/feed/0THE HOUSEMAID (2016)http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/the-housemaid-2016/
http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/the-housemaid-2016/#respondMon, 19 Feb 2018 00:25:12 +0000http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/?p=121644THE HOUSEMAID (2016) Written and Directed by Derek Nguyen Set in the year 1953 in Vietnam, THE HOUSEMAID is a slow-burning, supernatural, romantic horror-thriller that follows the tale of Linh, a young woman desperately in [...]

Set in the year 1953 in Vietnam, THE HOUSEMAID is a slow-burning, supernatural, romantic horror-thriller that follows the tale of Linh, a young woman desperately in need of a job and somewhere to live after her own home is destroyed in an air raid, it taking all of her family with it. Alone in the world and nowhere to go, she stumbles across a job position of housemaid at Sa-Cat, a former rubber plantation, run by Frenchman Captain Sebastien Laurent and his team of three Vietnamese servants: Mrs Han the head housekeeper, Mrs Ngo the cook and Mr Chau the groundskeeper. Keen to impress her new employer and to keep a roof over her head, Linh diligently obeys every command resulting in Mrs Han leaving Linh in charge of the entire house during her absence. Alone and directly in charge of the daily orders, Linh quickly becomes noticed around the house by Captain Sebastien who takes a shine to the young woman. Attractive and polite, Linh is quite the catch and as he shows her some kindness that goes beyond the boundaries of a master/servant relationship, the a spark ignites between the two. As the relationship blossoms, something out in the forest grounds of the plantation begins to awaken. Could it be the traumatised souls of the plantation workers, who are now said to haunt the land, seeking revenge, or could it be the Captain’s wife, having committed suicide in the nearby lake, come back to reclaim her husband?

Captivatingly atmospheric, THE HOUSEMAID oozes the supernatural from every nook and cranny with its visual blend of traditional horror, American spook stories and the ol’ water-based scares of J-Horror transfixing viewers to the screen. In many ways, the film reminded me of The Others, perhaps due to the key role in which the servants play in the story. Watching them make their way around the mansion, sometimes with only a lamp to guide them, really adds to the suspense as they’re dwarfed by the sprawling estate and the grandeur of the mansion. Their sombre approach to their positions only makes the situation that more intense; Mrs Han being the stern madame keeping everyone in check, especially the more lively cook Mrs Ngo who practises in Eastern medicine, or “witchcraft as she calls it. Mrs Ngo’s surprise at Linh taking the job leaves the young woman confused until Ngo fills her in on the dark history of the plantation and why no locals will touch the place with a barge pole. So when the spooky stuff starts to go down, it’s of very little surprise to the occupants of the plantation and us, the viewer. In fact, the film is quite forward with its penchant for horror with the movie opening with a rather grisly demise, resulting in the telling of the backstory and events leading up this particular death.

When it comes to the horror aspect of the movie, there’s nothing here we haven’t really seen before. There’s the noises and crying, the spectres in the woods, objects flying around and the Insidious-esque veiled woman emerging from the lake; things we’ve all seen time and time again. However, the way it’s been created, blending gothic with a period Vietnam era, gives it an exotic feel that we might not have necessarily seen before. A blend of Vietnamese and English language adds to the vibe of this place being an alien one, both to Captain Laurent, himself a Parisian, and to Linh with her real home being 40 kilometres away. The plantation represents a place of horror itself and those in it have either been complicit in its terrible history or now face the horrors that haunt it.

Beautifully shot with tremendous performances from the cast involved, there’s definitely an appeal to THE HOUSEMAID and its hard not to be glued to the screen with its slick visuals and supernatural chills. However, when all’s said and done, there’s nothing really to set it apart from the rest of the genre flicks out there, except maybe the period and setting.

Is it enjoyable? Yes. Will I remember it in a week’s time? Probably not. That’s not to say it’s a bad film but unfortunately there’s nothing here that gives it the much needed punch it so achingly requires.

]]>http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/the-housemaid-2016/feed/0Win a Signed JIGSAW Movie Poster In Our Competition!http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/win-signed-jigsaw-movie-poster-competition/
http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/win-signed-jigsaw-movie-poster-competition/#respondSun, 18 Feb 2018 13:58:06 +0000http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/?p=121637To celebrate the release of JIGSAW on home entertainment in the UK, we’re giving away a special 12 x 16inch Jigsaw poster signed by the ‘Jigsaw Killer’ himself, Tobin Bell! One of the highest grossing [...]

To celebrate the release of JIGSAW on home entertainment in the UK, we’re giving away a special 12 x 16inch Jigsaw poster signed by the ‘Jigsaw Killer’ himself, Tobin Bell!

One of the highest grossing horror franchises of all time is back, taking Jigsaw’s signature brand of twisted scenarios to the next level. After a series of murders bearing all the markings of the Jigsaw killer, law enforcement find themselves chasing the ghost of a man dead for over a decade and embroiled in a new game that’s only just begun. Is John Kramer back from the dead to remind the world to be grateful for the gift of life? Or is this a trap set by a killer with designs of their own? Modernised for new fans, Jigsaw is also highly satisfying for fans of the series.

The competition will close at 11.59pm GMT on Friday 2nd March 2018 and one correct entry will be chosen at random.

T&C’s
• This promotion is open to UK residents only.
• Entrants must be aged 15 years or over
• One entry per household
• No alternative prize is available
• One winner will win 1x Jigsaw poster
• The Editor’s decision is final and binding on the entrants. No correspondence will be entered into.

Cello student Jessi moves into a flat in Berlin with her boyfriend Lorenz, courtesy of a loan from her undermining father. The phone rings and it’s great news: she’s been allowed to represent her country in a prestigious international classical music competition. She begins to train for the contest, but finds herself increasingly exposed to anonymous harrassments. She thinks they’re originating from elderly upstairs neighbour Frau Domweber, but why would she do this, and could the pressurised woman be just imagining it all?

I doubt that I’m the only one of us on HCF who never has time to review all the films they want to. We get a great many screeners to watch and review these days, and it’s great, but whenever I browse my stupidly large DVD and Blu-ray collection my eyes always alight on something and I say to myself: “God, I really want to review that”. The other day it was Roman Polanski’s frightening tale of paranoia and madness The Tenant, and I reminded myself of the fact that HCF doesn’t have nearly enough Polanski represented, and how in particular I’d love to do what has become known as his ‘Apartment trilogy’, comprising of Repulsion, Rosemary’s Baby and The Tenant. Well, one day I may get around to those, but for the time being we have Homesick, which is very much inspired by the three films I’ve just mentioned, sometimes to the point of riffing on specific scenes. One of the things that prevents it from coming across as a rehash is that it also plays on a certain feeling that we’ve probably all had at times. The feeling that somebody doesn’t like you. It could be the way they look at you. It could be the way they speak to you. It could be the way they carry themselves around you. It could be nothing in particular, yet you still feel that this person has a problem with you – and could even be out to get you – even if you have no evidence that they’ve done anything wrong. The idea has worked well a few times on film, as has the premise of neighbours from hell [why is it I was so reminded of The Burbs whilst watching this movie?], and works well again here.

Homesick is very much a slow builder of a film, so if you’re in the mood for lots of thrills and shocks than you’d probably better give something else a go. It never gets quite as creepy and unsettling as it probably ought to, and some of this could be the way the film is shot. Writer/director Jacob M. Erwa made the decision to shoot it almost entirely in stationery shots and use sharp cuts to get us to places, so the camera never actually movies except in four or five moments which stick out somewhat, though not exactly in a bad way. Now I’m all for films to be shot in an unusual way, and there are moments when the device employed here works well for this one, but I felt that it rather hampered the atmosphere that Erwa was trying to create. We don’t get much of a sense of the environment that our heroine inhabits – in fact my knowledge of the geography of the place was scarcely better at the end of the film than it was at the beginning – and too often we’re just staring at walls. Obviously Erwa deliberately opted to do this for a reason, and as I said it does aid some moments, like an early bit where our couple are ‘getting it on’ but the camera is stationery at the far end of the hall so that we can only glimpse a tiny bit of what they’re up to through the doorway of their bedroom. The moment nicely plays on the viewer’s voyeuristic desire to see them having sex. But in general, to my eyes this was a stylistic choice that just didn’t work very well for this particular film.

A really unpleasant scraping sound [which is later revealed to be Jessi cleaning her cello] followed by the camera following [yes, it’s moving here but won’t do it again for another half an hour or so!] Jessi as she walks, clearly in some state of stress, along a path and then over a bridge, immediately grabs the attention. “Okay, now it’s quiet. We have peace at home again” she says to someone on the phone. Cut to a empty, unfurnished white apartment, into which come Jessi, Lorenz and two friends carrying stuff. You’d better get used to the way this scene is staged – the camera totally still and sometimes looking at nothing in particular until somebody comes in and/or walks past- because a great majority of the rest of the film does the same thing. Soon after, Jessi is over the moon because she’s beaten lots of others to represent Germany in a music competition – though only for a while. Even before strange stuff begins to occur, her father puts her down at dinner, something we think may happen frequently. And then she’s bothered by the fact that elderly neighbour Frau Domweber, who has already complained to them about playing music loudly, can see directly into their apartment and makes the most of this. Some poo appears outside their door, but nobody in the block seems to have a pet. At least Jessi is able to take a photograph of this as proof, but other things like tapping noises, buzzed doorbells and a missing pet – well, could they be just taking place inside her head, the stress of the impending competition perhaps proving to be too much?

I could have done with a bit more set-up here, more reasons for Jessi to be so vulnerable and weak and the sort of person who could begin to imagine things. But Erwa has the skill and the courage to keep things ambiguous when most other filmmakers would have been unable to resist going into full-on nightmare mode. I can imagine some viewers getting a bit restless, waiting for the really weird, scary stuff to take place, but, while I didn’t feel nearly as on edge as I hoped that I would do, I did often enjoy the fact that we really don’t know what is real and what isn’t half the time, something helped by the refusal to overly stylised things [well, aside from the cinematographic style]. And we’re sometimes asked to feel sorry for this old couple who could actually be completely harmless. Poor Lorenz constantly seems such a nice, patient sort that we occasionally feel sorry for him. The final 25 minutes are extremely uncomfortable, yet Erwa still refuses to go over the top and instead depicts the really rather logical events in a coldly realistic way. Somehow the odd method of filming does work during some scenes of violence where we don’t see everything but want to. By now we know exactly the nature of what’s happening – or do we? I personally could have done without a twist in the last few seconds. I feel that the film would have been more disturbing without it. But that could be just me.

Erwa sometimes overdoes the use of loud sound effects, it maybe jarring for the very restrained manner in which the film is mostly handled. Visually the film is dominated by white. The colour is even talked about as it seems to take over Jessica’s life so much so that nearly everything around her and that she uses is white. It’s an unusual choice of colour to do this with but just about comes off – I think. A few visits to a teacher occasionally take us out of the sterile apartment. He’s convinced that Jessica can win this competition if she plays with more feeling. Esther Maria Pietsch has the perfect look for somebody like Jessica: with no disrespect to the actress, she has a rather troubled and even haunted look without it dominating. Pietsch’s acting evokes Jessi’s fragility very well and also achieves the difficult task of making her both sympathetic and just a little bit creepy. She still doesn’t come close to the likes of Catherine Deneuve and Natalie Portman in similar parts, but then they had much more to work with in terms of the characters they were playing.

If you’ve seen a lot of films of this ilk, than Homesick won’t offer many surprises until maybe its final act [well, I was a bit surprised], but one can’t help but respect it for not going down the shock heavy route and remaining bravely restrained. It doesn’t quite contain enough to really distinguish itself, but if you’re game than it should still be an interesting and actually rather troubling watch. And if you haven’t seen any of those cracking Polanski films I mentioned at the beginning of this review, then watch Homesick as a very good appetiser – then delve into the others and be really rewarded.

“Be careful what you wish for” is the tagline for the Wes Craven endorsed Wishmaster and ironically relevant with the likely catastrophic consequences of the majority of Britain voting for the economy crippling Brexit and our American neighbours electing a malevolent tyrant as their president of choice.

The writer Peter Atkins has clearly picked up a copy of WW Jacob’s terrifying short story, The Monkey’s Paw and re-arranged it into something more mischievous but suitably gruesome for the fan boys and girls of horror flicks from the 1970’s and 80’s. It has so many cameos crammed into its modest 90 minute running time that you might have more fun spotting the next familiar face than trying to decipher what the hell is going on with the disjointed story.

Wishmaster opens in 1127 as a djinn (Andrew Divoff), a wish-granting demon that resides between dimensions, tricks a Persian emperor into unleashing an unholy curse upon the people of his city. Understandably horrified, the emperor pleads with the djinn to return things to normal unbeknownst that his final third wish will unleash an army of the demon’s cohorts into our world to wreak havoc. Before he can act, the residing palace sorcerer traps the pesky demon in a fire opal.

Forward to travel to present day, where millionaire collector, Richard Beaumont (Robert Englund) and his mouthy assistant (Ted Raimi) are unloading a priceless statue at the docks. When a drunken crane operator accidentally drops the container holding the goods, the contents are scattered everywhere. A worker pockets the aforementioned fire opal from the debris and the stone eventually lands into the hands of auctioneer Nick Merritt (Chris Lemmon). Having identified the smell of big bucks from his latest acquisition, gemmologist Alex (Tammy Lauren) is called to examine its value. Unfortunately she unwittingly awakens the djinn from his slumber. When Alex’s co-worker analyses the stone further in the college laboratory, the fire opal explodes releasing the djinn to wreak havoc in the city.

Alex tracks the origins of the stone to Englund’s shady Beaumont and gets a rundown on ‘what the hell’ is going on from eccentric, folklore professor Wendy Darleth (Jenny O’Hara). Meanwhile the djinn, who is now concealed in human form, is getting up to all sorts of mischief. This involves granting wishes to the local residents and twisting their desires into something involving torture or death. Eventually Alex is visited by the immortal beast and demands that she makes her three wishes or suffer the consequences.

Wishmaster will unlikely go down in anyone’s greatest horror movie list due to its disjointed pacing, muddled script and dubious performances. It isn’t particularly scary with Kurtzman focussing more on the laughs and ridiculously gruesome kills. Yet the film marks a sorry farewell to practical special effects and the dawn of the CGI alternative. In the first five minutes we have flesh coated skeletons ripping their way out of the bodies of the living, an unfortunate soul contorting into a serpent-like beast and demons sprouting out of screaming victims.

The protagonist is a wonderful creation. Played with enthusiastic glee by Divoff, the djinn resembles a distant relative of Tim Curry’s demon in Legend but with disturbingly phallic-looking appendages sprouting from his ears. The movie is always at its best when the sneering Divoff is on screen. His victims range from a cranky pharmacist (Phantasm’s Reggie Bannister), a burly doorman (Friday the Thirteenth’s Kane Hodder) and Beaumont’s frustrated security guard (Candyman’s Tony Todd). Some of the deaths are hilarious, especially Alex’s boss wish for a million dollars. This quickly cuts to his wealthy mother’s plane plummeting to the ground and an insurance cheque dropping into his mailbox.

Sadly Lauren’s heroine does not create as much interest as her adversary. Even a tragic back story regarding her parents adds nothing to flesh out this dull character. Similar to the rest of the performances, there seems to be an emphasis to ham things up and overreact to comical levels when something unspeakable happens.

The finale at Beaumont’s party is a splatter-fest delight with the djinn massacring the guests with a little help from the owner’s artefact collection. Put your bets on as to who comes out best in a battle between some heavily armed security guards and a group of ancient sets of Asian armour? Perhaps the resolution is a little on the safe side but it generated enough interest to spawn a further three sequels including Wishmaster 2 : Evil Never Dies (1999), Wishmaster 3 : Beyond the Gates of Hell (2001) and Wishmaster : The Prophecy Fulfilled (2002). Divoff appeared in all sequels apart from Beyond the Gates of Hell in which John Novak took up the wish granting duties.

Wishmaster will appeal to those lovers of the horror movies that lined the blue shelves of your local Blockbuster video store in the 80’s and 90’s. It is fun, daft and gloriously gruesome fun ride with a plethora of your favourite bogeymen taking a bow before the influx of Asian ghosts, torture porn and European gorefests began to takeover our TV screens or crawled out of them.

]]>http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/wishmaster-1997-released-blu-ray-26th-february/feed/0Thirteen Ghostshttp://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/thirteen-ghosts/
http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/2018/02/thirteen-ghosts/#respondFri, 16 Feb 2018 19:53:26 +0000http://horrorcultfilms.co.uk/?p=121625I was in my early teens the first time I saw THIRTEEN GHOSTS. I was tickled pink by its haunted house premise; it made me snicker and shriek, finding that sweet spot between melodrama and suspense. [...]

I was in my early teens the first time I saw THIRTEEN GHOSTS. I was tickled pink by its haunted house premise; it made me snicker and shriek, finding that sweet spot between melodrama and suspense. I can’t say it packs the same punch seventeen years later, but for me it continues to be delightfully hammy and a whole lot of fun.

Impoverished Arthur (Shalhoub) thinks his prayers have been answered when he inherits everything from his eccentric ghost-hunter uncle, Cyrus (Abraham). He and his family waste no time driving out to inspect Cyrus’s secluded home – a hyper-stylised glass mansion. A slimy lawyer leads the way, assuring Arthur that his troubles are all behind him. But, unbeknownst to Arthur, the basement of his new home contains twelve captured spirits, each more deranged than the last. Cyrus devoted his life to catching them, with the help of his psychic assistant, Dennis (Lillard).

Once everyone arrives at the house, the film treads much the same path as Jurassic Park. Enclosures spring open, beasties escape and everyone runs like hell. The lawyer meets a sticky end too!

When it comes to the characters, they’re all fairly vanilla. Arthur’s kids are the worst: they’re the soapy kind of vanilla you get in fast food sundaes, the kind which tastes suspiciously unnatural. Their disappearance halfway through the film is a welcomed break; Arthur desperately looks for his lost children, but I wouldn’t bother. Maggie the nanny (Digga) delivers some sassy one-liners but how Arthur ever affords to pay her I’ve no idea: the film spends so long establishing he’s broke.

By far the most compelling character of the bunch is Dennis. Matthew Lillard has lots of fun with the role, growing from whimpering idiot to reluctant hero. The film’s strongest emotional moments are down to him.

Gripes about the main characters feel unimportant because the real stars of the show are the ghosts.And so they should be! It’s never easy to make ghosts threatening, especially when they’re on full display, but this film does. We receive little more than flashes of each one, accompanied by shrieking cacophonous sound effects, but it’s enough. My thirteen-year-old self was thoroughly freaked out.

Each ghost is beautifully designed: their costumes, make-up and prosthetics are dripping with detail. Gruesome but gorgeous. Interestingly, although a backstory was written for each – you can enjoy all twelve on YouTube – the filmmakers chose to leave them out. As far as I’m concerned, this was the right call. When confronted with The Jackal (a savage madman dressed in a ragged straightjacket and head cage) we’re left wondering what on earth we’ve just seen. I appreciate this wtf?! technique: hurling disturbing spectres at the audience one by one rather than slowing things down with unnecessary explanations.

Another clever filmmaking choice involves Dennis’s reaction to each ghost. His fear ranges from politely backing away from The First Born Son to fleeing for his life from The Hammer, letting us know where they rank on the danger scale.

One detail carried over from the original 1960 film is the spook-o-vision spectacles, which allow regular folk to see spirits. The glasses are used to great effect as Beck plays with who can and can’t see the ghosts they’re running from. By having the ghosts be an invisible threat one moment and a visual spectacle the next, the film gets to have its cake and eat it too.

Yes, there are low points: all trashy films have them. A baggy midsection where Arthur and the others hide out in the library isn’t much fun and some of the lines are inexcusably cheesy. But when I rewatch the film, I do forgive THIRTEEN GHOSTS for its foibles. Don’t get me wrong: it isn’t a masterpiece. But what can I say? Maybe it’s the early-noughties nostalgia kicking in, but I must admit I really do love this film.

It’s a haunted house thrill ride delivering campy fun and creepiness in equal measure. The guiltiest of guilty pleasures, but a pleasure nonetheless.