Roommate Confessions: December 5, 2011

December 5, 2011

It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

I had this friend one time who couldn't resist eating anything that was provided to him. One has to wonder what he does with this allowance since he comes from a well-to-do family. In our dorm, he was feeling kinda hungry so I offered him a burger. Without flinching, he ate/snarfed everything down in 3 bites. He doesnt know to this day that I got it off from the garbage bin across the hall.John S. from Duke University

For whatever reason, my dorm phone number was once the number to a local pharmacy a few miles away from my school. Within my first week in the dorm I had received over a dozen calls from people asking to refill their prescription. Initially I took the high road and would explain to the callers they had the wrong number. After a month I got fed up and called the pharmacy asking them to stop printing my number on their prescriptions (this was why people were calling me for refills). They told me to quit taking the calls. At that point my roommate and I were pissed. We started messing with the callers (nothing dangerous). We tell them there is a special running on laxatives in-store only, or that we can't fill their prescription out right now because a flock of geese got stuck in the store. Each time the customers would be furious and we would give them the number to file a complaint (the pharmacy's real number). After several weeks the calls died down finally as the pharmacy got the hint after receiving dozens of furious or confused customers.Drew K.

So these really loud douchebags in the next room always record Sunday football games so that they can sleep off their hangovers (one of them has a rich dad, so they have dish in their room). I have asked who knows how many times to keep it down after 10 o'clock since I have an 8 am class on Mondays, tried slipping notes with the game summary under their door to try and spoil the game to get them to keep it down, and all sorts of other stuff. Finally, I came up with an idea that involved a simple homemade signal scattering device. After a couple weeks, I had it working perfectly, so that I could talk on my cell with my buddy in the common room watching the game in real time, while turning on the scattering device during crucial moments of the game. They've missed every interception, touchdown, field goal, and penalty call since mid October, but pick up every second of commercial, crystal clear. The dude has called the cable company, and the guy can't figure it out. They still have no idea.James B.

I came home one day to find one of my roommates furiously cleaning a stain off his pants. One of the other guys had put a cup of stink-juice on his door and he doused himself. Not knowing which of the other 2 guys did this we cut the tops off of 2-liters and filled them with water and balanced them on both their bedroom doors. A while later Nick came home, went to his room, and got soaked. He was wearing very nice clothes for a job interview in an hour. He wasn't too mad because he admitted to putting the stink-juice up in the first place. We told him about the other 2-liter and we all (Nick included) decided to leave it on the other guy's door. Nick changed into his remaining interview appropriate cloths and played videogames with us for 30 minutes. We all forgot about the other 2-liter. Nick then said he needed to check his e-mail on the computer which was in the other guy's room. He got soaked AGAIN! I can't remember a time when I laughed harder.Creed B. from CMU

My best friend at uni shared a room with a girl who used to write in a diary. She left this diary out so me and my friend decided to read it. She'd write in all her sordid sex acts but would make them quite poetical, one in particular was "as he breached anal I found it stimulating yet painful. But strangely enjoyable". Anyway, we then went on to discover her diamond encrusted vibrator in her underwear drawer, so we invited the rest of the students in her halls to come in and read the diary with us. Which resulted in us reading how her boyfriend ate a Mars Bar out of her and someone using her vibrator on the halls doors to make it sound like a chainsaw. Funny times, and I swear she'd leave it out because she knew we was doing it. Thank you for all the good laughs we had at your expense, you taught me that the quiet ones are always the weird sex craving weirdos.Carly J.