L: James, you mentioned accountability. Creating a culture of accountability. What does that mean? Can you explain that and how, what it means to parents and kids.

J: First of all, when we start with accountability, one of the things that I talk to teachers and parents about is creating a culture of accountability. And that culture of accountability occurs between two people. So when we talk about what’s on TV, what they’re learning in the movies, what their video games is, that, that’s fine. But the culture of accountability comes with, this is how I’m gonna talk to you and this is how you have to talk to me. This is what I’m gonna expect of you and this is what you can expect of me. That’s very clearly learned out. That you’re accountable for the way you talk to me and treat me. You’re accountable for your responsibilities and you can expect me to take responsibility to be accountable for my responsibilities. I’m gonna pay the rent, I’m gonna have food on the table, I’m gonna make sure that we have a place to live. You have to talk to me appropriately, you have to do your schoolwork and you have to learn how to solve life’s problems without hurting other people.

MG: I think it’s important to note James that a culture of accountability isn’t just a parent child thing. We even as adults need to be accountable; we are accountable every day to someone.

J: That’s right, well, I don’t think people are accountable to a culture. I think that that develops between people. Between individual people and groups. So even personal relationships and work relationships.

L: Work.

J: Work. I’m accountable to that job. I’m accountable to my role in that business. I’m accountable to that business. They’re gonna pay me, that’s what I expect of them, they expect me to do the role that they defined for me. They also expect me to do it with some quality and some efficiency.

MG: So as a parent, what you’re setting your child up for by expecting him to be accountable to you is the whole mindset that you will always be accountable to someone. This is a coping skill. This is a problem solving skill you have to learn.

J: Absolutely. Look, when you hold your child accountable, when you develop that culture of accountability, you as a parent have a responsibility to teach that child to acquire the skills he’s gonna need to be able to be accountable. People who can’t be accountable for their homework disrespect other people. People who can’t be accountable for their behavior turn it around and challenge you and act out. So when you’re having a culture of accountability, there’s a two–way thing. I expect you to do the right thing and you can expect me to teach you how to do the right thing.

MG: So my job as a parent then is to set specific standards, to set specific goals, to set attainable landmarks that a child can say, if I do this, I become accountable. If I do this, I’m behaving responsibly.

J: Yeah, it’s not only setting goals. It’s giving the skills to reach the goal. So let’s say I’m a parent and my goal is that you’re gonna sink five throws from the free throw line in basketball out of ten. Well I just can’t put you up there with a ball and tell you do it, that’s my goal. I’ve gotta show you how to do it. I’ve gotta show you how you place your feet, how you place your arms. How you propel the ball. I’ve gotta spend some time practicing with you. I’ve gotta show you how to do these things and I’ve gotta practice them. So it’s not setting the goals, it’s giving the kid the skills. Acquiring the skills yourself for an understanding of what it takes. Using the tools and using the skills.

James Lehman, MSWChild Behavior Therapist

James Lehman had a very personal understanding of kids with behavior problems. He displayed severe oppositional, defiant behaviors as a child and teenager, and became a Behavioral Therapist specializing in helping troubled children, teens and their families for 30 years.

Janet Lehman, MSWChild Behavior Therapist

Janet Lehman has over three decades of clinical experience working with out–of–control children and teens and their parents. Working in group homes and residential treatment centers, Janet helped children with serious behavioral disorders learn to get their behavior under control.

Parenting Articles about Self Esteem

When a child has low self-esteem, many parents search endlessly for ways to make them feel better about themselves. They compliment their child for minor accomplishments or lower the standards to make them feel better, and nothing changes. They want to fix the problem now, when in reality, they should be coaching their child on how they can overcome their issues on their own.

Is your child struggling with low self-esteem? As a parent, it’s tough to stand by and see our children feeling like they don’t “measure up” or can’t handle things as well as their peers seem to do. Here, James Lehman, MSW debunks the myth of focusing on children’s feelings at the expense of teaching them how to master life-skills. Part I of a two-part series on “Self-Esteem and Kids.”

As a parent, you want nothing but the best for your child. It’s important to you that your child develops healthy friendships, has a memorable school experience, and achieves their goals and dreams. Providing meaningful opportunities for your child and celebrating their accomplishments goes a long way towards raising their self-esteem and confidence. There is, however, another vital element that can literally make or break whether your child moves forward in life or not: the “success mindset.”

I wear many hats in a day: sister, friend, confidant, colleague, and educator. And although I wear my educator’s hat for over eight hours a day, I always place my most important hat on first: mother. This is the hat that keeps me grounded, empathetic, sympathetic and always assessing what is best for my child—and for 900 other children.

Have you ever been told you run/throw/hit like a girl? Every woman I know has a “run-like-a-girl story”—a moment when their abilities were undermined and their self-esteem took a big hit. When the #LikeAGirl Always ad played at my Super Bowl party last night, it captured everyone’s attention, particularly those of us with daughters:

I think of January like my very own reset button—a chance to reboot and start all over again. There’s something about the fresh start of a new year that makes change, goals and resolutions feel more attainable. Kids can be motivated by that clean slate effect, too.

My son loves anything with a screen: computer games, YouTube, apps, TV. (And let’s admit it, who hasn’t looked up a funny SNL skit and realized an hour later that they’ve just laughed themselves past the kids’ bedtime?) So I was hesitant when he asked to join a computer programming club. “Does he really need more time sitting at a computer?” I thought. “Shouldn’t we find him something else to do so he’s more well-rounded?” But I quieted that voice because I’ve learned that being well-rounded may actually limit our potential.

What if your child’s bossiness or argumentativeness or the energy she has the moment she jumps out of bed is actually a strength that she was born with? What if she simply has not had the life experience to develop and maximize its potential? What if, as you are trying to tame the bossiness, to make the persistence more flexible or to rein in the energy, you might be overlooking your child's natural born strength? What if there were successful strategies you could implement that would support the mastery of your child’s strength as well as integrate brain functions and bring greater harmony to your family?

An annual survey of college freshman in the U.S. has found that the number of students who define themselves as gifted and ambitious has grown yet again. Those who say they have a strong desire to achieve has also risen, even when their past grade performance does not reflect this self-assessment.

A child playing any sport that includes uniforms, umpires, coaches, players and parents will often sense an intense need that they succeed from the adults around them. That intense pressure contains all the elements that can cause eventual failure.

If there's someone out there who didn't go through extreme angst over their looks during their middle school years, I'd like to meet them. Somehow, we all got through it and learned to accept ourselves for who we were. (It's an ongoing process, after all, but I have to admit that I wouldn't go back to those pre-teen years for anything.) The difference between us and our kids: we didn't have the internet and social networking to contend with.

Just because people become parents doesn't mean they don't have issues, concerns or negative habits. As individuals who may not have “worked through” past issues, it's easy for parents to put their “stuff” on their children. Many parents make the mistake of living through their children -- and we often don't even realize when we're doing it! But it's important to understand that pushing a child to do things for the wrong reasons isn't good for their development and can result in low self esteem and exhaustion.

Why, I would like to know, do we teach our teen daughters to be demure and to minimize compliments? When did we make a collective decision to teach them about the unwritten social rule that they must never admit to liking their bodies? When did we decide to teach them to hide their good grades so they are not seen as too smart, too aggressive, bragging, or too competitive? Why, if they have a blemish, do they need to point it out to their friends immediately?

Want to improve your child’s self-esteem? Praise him constantly and stop anything that may hurt his perception of being a competent, achieving person. With every success, your child will see that he is a winner and will continue to achieve. Sounds like good advice doesn’t it? Well, it is terribly misguided.