Submission vs. Independence” – What Do Men Really Want?

Submission is not something that you make someone do. Submission is someone agreeing to follow the leadership of another person. They submit to that leadership. Therefore, if you want someone to submit to your leadership, you must first prove to them that you are a worthy leader. We don’t have enough men that are leaders in their marriages, families or homes. Men, if you don’t know how to lead, you need to sit down somewhere and work on you. Get you right and then maybe a woman will chose to trust you with her life. Understand that a woman trusting a man with her life is also submission. Why should she trust you? Who are you? What have you done? What can you do for her? Will her life be better with you at the helm? If you can’t improve the quality of a woman’s life, you are not fit to be her leader or to be submitted to. (Women, I am not only talking about money here. I am going to get to y’all in a second.)

As a matter of fact, let me get to y’all right now because I know that y’all are already hi-fiving each other. Independence does not mean you don’t need a man. It only means that you don’t need a man to pay your bills. That doesn’t mean that you are more of a woman. In fact, money has nothing to do with how much of a woman you are at all. As a single man, I found some of the women I dated that had the most money, were “less of a woman” than some of the sisters that weren’t as financially fit because they felt that they didn’t have to do certain things for their man, who is now somebody else’s man. The woman gaining her financial independence could be the worst thing that has ever happen to marriage. Cuz y’all don’t know how to be the bread winner and be submissive at the same time. We are going to straighten all that out right now.

Submission Example #1:

Scene: The kitchen has been left dirty the last couple of nights.

Adam walks in the house and says “Look here Eve, from now on, I will take care of the kitchen Mondays and Wednesdays and I would like for you to take care of the kitchen on Tuesdays and Thursdays.” Eve says “Nah Buddy, every Tuesday night you know I have my book club meeting with the girls.” Adam accepts new data and makes a better decision that works for both Adam and Eve “Going forth, I shall take care of the kitchen on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I would like for you to take care of the kitchen on Mondays and Wednesdays.” Eve accepts these new terms because Adam has taken her needs under consideration. Adam does not need to come to Eve and discuss this scenario first. As long as he is fair, he is the leader, he can make the decision on his own. Adam and Eve both have two days to take care of the kitchen; that is fair. If Adam would have said 1 day for him and 2 days for Eve, that is unfair and that is not the way God intended submission to work. Adam is to take his wife’s needs into consideration before making a final decision. He did that.

Independence Example #1:

Scene: Wife wants new car.

Wife buys new car. She buys new car without consulting her husband first. She can afford the new car; she doesn’t need a dime of his money. Wifey is smelling herself, she is tripping. You can’t just go and buy a new car without consulting your husband (The husband cannot do this either. No double standard.) All couples should set some type of limitation on the amount of money to spend without first gaining the approval of a spouse. When the woman buys a car without the input of a man what you have done now is made that man feel un-needed and un-necessary. Maybe that was your intent but when he is un-faithful don’t act like you were the perfect wife. All of us need to feel needed and necessary. It is especially important that couples are open and honest with each other when communicating about potential problem areas.

Submission Example #2:

Scene: Babygirl comes home from college with an engagement ring on.

Babygirl asks Momma to ask Dad for $20,000 for the wedding. Momma evaluates the finances and decides that $20,000 is doable and proceeds to gain the approval of Dad. Mom makes the request to Dad. Dad thinks the $20K is too much and wants to give $10K. They are at an impasse. After a week of deliberation Dad decides to give Babygirl $15K for the wedding. How should mom handle dad’s decision?

A.) Mom should accept Dad’s decision because he is the leader and she is confident in his leadership, she is confident that he will make the best decision for the family.

B.) Mom should accept Dad’s decision because he is the leader and she is confident in his leadership, she is confident that he will make the best decision for the family.

C.) Either A or B or both A and B are correct.

Dad was fair in his decision making. He decided to give what was exactly in the middle of what he wanted to give and what mom wanted to give. If he would have decided to give $12,500 he would have had to clearly justify his decision. But with Dad meeting mom in the middle, a justification is not necessary. What is necessary is for Eve to trust Adam. What is necessary is for Eve to trust Adam even if Eve is the bread winner.

Independence Example #2:

Scene: Eve is the bread winner.

Ladies Repeat after me: What is necessary is for Eve to trust Adam even if Eve is the bread winner. The fact that Eve makes more money than Adam has nothing to do with the marriage or structure of marriage. As I stated earlier, leadership is not based on money or being a man (as I stated earlier). This is not to state that a woman cannot lead, it is to state that a woman cannot lead a man . . . not a real man anyway . . . maybe that lil boy that you got . . . maybe he is ah . . . hold up, I am tripping. Don’t print that Essence. If money means that much to you, go and buy yourself a husband that listens. If money means that much to you go lead a woman. If money means that much to you wait until you find a man that makes more money than you do to get married. (Understand that making more money than the last guy doesn’t mean that he will be a better husband than the last guy. Ask Elin Woods.)

Men want women who are both submissive and independent. Why can’t we have both? (I got both at home! HA! Suckas!) I believe that every woman has it in them to be both, it’s just a matter of knowing when to submit and know when to be independent this article is about providing you with examples to do just that. Women, do not submit to a man that you are not married to. Do not marry a man that you cannot submit to. Do not submit to a man that has not first submitted himself to God. If this whole submission thang is not working believe me it’s not the act of submission that is causing the problem. It is you and him. Somebody is crazy. Any questions?

Mechelle Phillips, Houston, TX – “As a single mother, money management is my strength. I make it a point to stick to my budget, invest, save and live below my means. What if I’m better suited than my future husband, to oversee the household finances? Why should he lead when I’m stronger in this area?”

~ As a man, after knowing God, the next person that you need to know is your woman. If your woman is better with money than you are BOW DOWN & BAG BACK! If my wife was an accountant I would gladly handover my check and checkbook and start negotiating on my allowance. A leader doesn’t know everything, a leader knows what he doesn’t know and delegates accordingly. A leader does not have to make all of the decisions, but the leader is responsible for all of the decisions.

Tamara Glaspie, Dallas, TX – “I manage people all day, and I excel at it. Why can’t I manage my marriage? How am I supposed to come home from a day of telling people what to do & how to do it, and be told what to do?”

~ A woman cannot lead a man. I am not trying to imply that a woman is not smart enough or is incapable. The problem is not the leadership skills of the woman. Man is raised to protect woman. If I got to protect you then you can’t be the Boss of me. Can a woman protect herself? Absolutely, but to lead, you have to be able to protect you and those that follow you. Believe me, you don’t want that responsibility. In relationships where the roles are reversed, either the man ends up feeling like he is less of a man or the woman ends up feeling like he is less of a man.

The institution of marriage has two employees. The wife’s job of submitting is by far the easier job of the two. Once the wife has submitted she can relax, it’s on the husband from that put on. Handle it Man! Man up! Remember my principle: “All marriages are either successful or they fail based solely on the leadership of men”. If your man is a leader you won’t have a problem. If your man sucks so will your marriage.

Comments

I am just barely learning to accept the idea that I am submissive to my husband. He recently made the decision that I shouldn’t work until both of our kids are in school full time. This, I agree, will save us thousands of dollars a year but I MISS having my own money. I hate having to ASK him for every dime that we need for groceries, gas in my car or even to go get a hair cut. I soooo wish he could afford to give me an allowance (even $10 a weeks would be nice.) But he doesn’t like giving me ANY money or power to make independent decisions. How can I successfully be submissive WHILE gaining the financial independence I’ve once had and still crave?

Steven, I agree with everything you wrote. I was married to a man that I made more money than he did, but I never belittled him, purchased anything without his input. I never thought because I made more more than he did made me the head of the house…that’s ridiculous. I paid bills and helped out because I loved him and wanted our marriage and love to grow.

Unfortunately we divorced because of his adulterous affairs that he wouldn’t leave. Even when I filed for divorce, I didn’t ask for alimony, child support, nothing. As a matter of fact, I continued to pay for the car he was driving, all by the leading of the Lord. My ex-husband asked for equitable distribution and had to end up paying me, so it was good that I listened to the Lord and not react to my flesh.

I learned submission from my mother, long before we were saved, I looked at her, her life and my parents marriage. My mom, in my opinion, was a virtuous woman before I knew what a virtuous woman was.

I know the Lord will bless me with a man who knows how to lead, love Him and knows who he is in God’s kingdom and in my life.

All I can say is “WOW”. I wish more men would read and listen to Steven. I find men around 27-38 that have the word submissive all wrong. I have one brother and we are very close. I try to advise him on what women need, a “LEADER”. Everything else will fall into place if she a real woman. I think he may be listening to me. Another good one Steven. Keep up the good work.

I liked this article and agree on the whole with it. The main part of submission is that it is given not demanded. Men you have to earn your position as leader in the family. Along with that big piece of chicken comes the responsibility of putting the greater good of your family above anything else. If you can’t or unable to do that then you will never ever have submissive wife.

Women, if you do not respect your husband and do not trust that he can lead your family why the hell are you with him?

Very good article and very true. I was in a relationship with a man that I always had to step up and make all the decisions. After a while I resented him, and felt I really did not need him. When he proposed I had no problem saying no and it was mostly based on … I did not trust his decision making skills because he never stepped up and made a decision that had to do with US. After a while I could not take him seriously. He did eventually get married so maybe he did learn his role in a relationship or maybe not..

Interesting article but I thought the point of a marriage was to be equals? How can you do that when the woman submits to her husband? Does that also mean that the man submits to his wife?

I guess I don’t like the idea that someone else will take lead in my life when I’ve been doing it so well long before they came along. I can work with 50/50 input but someone “thinking” in my best interest, I think not.

Adultery Is Wrong No Matter How Much Money The Spouse Has And How Much He OR She Is “Trippin’ about being Independent…..Sorry! This Man Has Apparently Lost His Mind If He Thinks He Can Get People To Believe That One. If The Man in the relationship Doesn’t Feel “Needed” enough………..He needs to End his marriage the correct way, by moving out and Filing For Divorce instead of Cheating like a little Boy Instead of a Man. Also, All Independent, Financially Stable Women Don’t All Act Like Assholes Towards Their Husbands, so that is a stereotype. As far as a Woman being “Submissive” to her husband…..this is NOT the correct term to be used between the roles of a Woman and a Man in a healthy marriage. A man can be the respected leader of his household and family Without expecting the woman to “submitt” to him! In fact, the ONLY one a Woman should be Submissive to is God….Never any human being. The Woman and Man in a marriage COOPERATE With One another ( like intelligent adults) through a Respectful Means of Communication. A Real Man is able to show his wife that he can be trusted to make Responsible Descisions for his family When His Wife is Unavailable and Responsible Descisions WITH his wife After Consulting With Her And ASKING Her Opinion FIRST about Descisions that will affect the Entire Family. Unfortunately in the society we live in today, men (especially men in the black community) don’t have a good male role model around to show them how to make good descisions in their own lives, let alone in the lives of their spouses and kids. Men are chosing to walk away from their families (even married men) and women are left having no choice But to rely only on themselves. When a good man meets a good, independent woman (not a bad one) he needs to check his ego at the door and learn to work With her in a cooperative effort to make the marrriage work for each other and the children involved. This is true Leadership that a Good Woman can Actually Respect In A Man.

I know I’m a bit late but I just happened to come accross this article and the comments. Mr. Dixon, I absolutely agree with what you have shared and appreciate your candor on this topic.

Kate, I definitely think you missed the point of this article. And if you’re going to suggest that women only submit to God, then you must also suggest that we submit to God’s Word, right?! With that being the case, submission to your husband is not only Mr. Dixon’s opinion, but the absolute word of God (Ephesians 5:22 – “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord”). You’re not TOO far off with the equality piece though, because God’s Word also states in the verse prior to the one mentioned above that married people are to “21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. ” That verse is often skipped (face it, we live in a man-centered society), but that does not make it any less of an important message. Husbands submitting to wives does not, in my opinion, lessen his role as head of household in any way, it is simply acknowledging that there are areas where God has blessed women to have authority as well. A real man cannot only accept but revel in the fact that he has a wife “worthy” to be submitted to as well.

I think the question we must ask ourselves is, is it more important to be “right” or to have a successful marriage? Really, what do you think you will lose by going the extra mile to show your husband that you DO need him, even if your check does have more zeros and commas? Why are you so opposed to the idea of submitting? I am absolutely a believer that submission is an invaluable lesson to learn to have a successful, Christ-centered union.

I am in no way a “relationship beast”, but I believe the Word of God is true and cannot WAIT until the day I am forever joined to the man specifically designed for me whom I can (and will) submit to with NO hesitation… Thanks for reading my rather lengthy rant. Enjoy a little more of Ephesians 5 below… Be blessed!

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,

27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church–

30 for we are members of his body.

31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”