It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here. There’s been a lot of change, and it’s been good, but I didn’t feel prepared to really put it all down on “paper” until I had come through the brunt of it, and as you know if you’ve been playing along at home…Mabon is generally “the brunt of it”.

The last year of my life has been nothing short of a chrysalis for me. Last October found me shattered, heartbroken, and frankly, fed the fuck up. I haven’t spoken up much about my ex, but what I thought to be a turning stone turned out to be my last mountain to summit. He was the fist relationship I’d started after Good Girl and the healing the entire experience brought to my life. It felt healthy and full and open…but it wasn’t. It was manipulative and extremely unhealthy for both of us. After the dust had cleared I realized it was a final test to see if I’d retained any of the lessons at all. Or maybe it was the final fire I needed to really get rid of all the emotional rubbish I’d been harbouring. In any case, the fall of that relationship was the avalanche that got the momentum started.

A year later I can say I’ve had an amazing journey around the wheel. I committed to a partner in one of the most beautiful commitment/family blending ceremonies I could have ever imagined. I have new relationships that have shown me what it is to be loved, respected, and trusted. My failed relationship showed me where I needed improvement, and these new partners have been nothing but supportive of my growth. We communicate in ways I never would have before. I am safe. I am healthy. I am improving my physical and mental health. My marriage has become a home again. I’ve stopped keeping people in my life who drain me, and I’ve stopped feeling guilty about letting them down. I’ve started stating my boundaries, asking for what I want and need, and finding creative ways to compromise. All because, frankly, I was fed the fuck up, and it showed me how much I betray myself by sacrificing her for people, jobs, anything that isn’t healthy for her. I owe myself better.

In comes October, my emotional PTSD boss level with all its painful anniversaries and reminders of loss and hardship. It’s been said that my seasons turn in such a way that I plant my seeds in the fall instead of the spring, and it’s always been true, but before seeds can be nurtured the detritus from years past must be torn out. October.

I can’t say I have it all figured out. I can’t say this is the culmination of anything really. I’m sure there’s another test. Another transformation. Another period of growth. Honestly, I hope there are many, because this is how we live and shine and become better humans. This year feels different. I feel stronger spiritually, and I look forward to the path ahead of me. I’ve taken on the role of a mentor and teacher, and for once I feel like people actually acknowledge that I do carry some wisdom and experience. I’m not a child. I’m not a newb. I’m not by any means at the end of my learning path, but I can contribute to my tribe. As I mature in my Mother phase, I feel my Crone calling to me, and that’s something I’ll talk about more in-depth later, but I feel ready. I can embrace all of it and keep moving forward.

The past few months have been rough, and I haven’t been alone in my struggles. It seems like everyone around me has gone through family problems, major depression, personal crisis, medical or financial hardships, or some combination of those things since Beltane, enough that I had to stop and wonder if there was any significance to it. Today I started to get the whispers of an answer.

This Litha is particularly strong, as it coincides with the full moon. This is the day of the Sun. It’s the time for harvesting the herbs we’ll use for healing and rituals, making it an auspicious day for work yet to come. That raw, masculine energy is high, and we are full of powerful potential.

At Ostara the world was bright, and we watched each other build cocoons with visions of being beautiful butterflies, looking forward to the day we would spread our wings and soar on the sunlight. We waited patiently, and little by little we began to change. This is where the transformation began, and we needed that time to be at full strength for what came next.

As I’ve written several times, transformation is painful. In the second half of this process, our entire form changes, and the cocoon has to be broken. Our safe little world has to be opened up to an exciting, but terrifying, sky. It’s bloody. It’s traumatic. Everything about us must change. The caterpillars we were, and the cocoon we used to shield ourselves during our transformation must be cast aside in order to become what we are meant to be. Those cocoons may have felt safe, but they were dark and restricting. We weren’t meant to live there.

These battles we’ve been fighting for months are necessary for the transformation we’re each undertaking. They’re making us stronger, moving us towards who we really are instead of the mere possibilities we have been, but only if we’re willing to let go of the caterpillars and the temporary shells they built around us.

So, back to Litha and the sun we meet as we emerge. Sun means fire, and the fires of Litha burn hot, hotter this year than I have ever felt. For many of us that fire has raged internally. It purifies and transforms us, but it can be destructive if we fear it instead of dancing with it. I’m feeling change I set in motion years ago, and I have felt it in every cell in my body for the past three months. It has tested my faith in myself. It has tested my relationships. It has tested my ability to function at mundane tasks while every part of me feels torn apart, but in the end I…in the end we all…will emerge from the darkness that has surrounded us. I feel it happening a little more every day. I see it happening around me. It may not be over for some, but it will get better. I know we will all pull through this and fly together in the sunlight.