The 49th Resolution

Yesterday was my 49th birthday. I spent it here in beautiful downtown Brampton, Ontario, attending a combine for the National Basketball League of Canada – there’s an amazing amount of talent at the combine, and I know several of these guys will end up in NBL-C uniforms when the season starts in November.

After the combine, I went over to a local shopping mall and purchased a few personal items – nothing major, just some shirts, some woolen socks, a nice, snug tuque at a store called Roots – you know, small birthday presents from me to me.

And I made a resolution.

Every year on my birthday, I think about what I’ve achieved in the past year. All the good things, all the bad things. All the things I did right, and all the things where I failed.

And each year, I make a new resolution. Most people do it on New Year’s Day.

I usually make a quiet one around late August. It’s easier for me to remember.

So what’s it going to be this year? New car? New language? New dental work with Drs. Mohler and Choo?

Actually, this year I’m going to work on something personal. It’s something I’ve been trying to achieve for many years.

I’m going to find a way to close the door.

To close the door on the demons that have plagued me in the past. The abusers, the bullies, the tormentors.

To close the door on the haters and the schemers and the plotters.

Walk with me on this.

Over the years, I’ve dealt with a lot of things in my past. I’ve talked about it in this blog, in the hopes that what I say might actually help others who are struggling. You know… “I’ve walked this path, if I can do it and survive, so can you.”

But in doing so, I’ve started to wonder if I’m actually reveling in this persona. Or as some people have referred to it, basking in victim syndrome.

I know I can’t change my past. I can’t change anything about my past any more than I can grow three extra fingers.

But at this point in my life, I’m on the short side of 50. Or “50-eve,” if you wanna really have fun with it. I can’t keep obsessing about those who have hurt me. I can’t keep kicking myself over the mistakes I’ve made. I can’t let my past put chains on my future.

Not any more.

You’ve been on this journey with me. Many of you were my earliest readers when my blog moved from a homemade site in 2009 to where it is today. You’ve cheered with me, you’ve ripped me a new one, you’ve been there with me for the past three years.

So I need you to be with me one more time.

My 49th resolution will be to no longer let my past rule my future.

Don’t get me wrong – I’ll still tell stories from my past. I’ve had a heckuva run in my life.

But no longer will I let my painful moments dominate and cripple and stifle my tomorrows.

This won’t be easy. Anyone who’s tried to quit drinking or smoking or gambling will know exactly what I’m talking about. All the old clichés about “one day at a time” and “that which does not kill me makes me stronger” and all that.

Baloney. Every day is taken one day at a time. You can’t take two days at a time. And that which does kill you makes you dead.

If you calculate that a person is age 1 after completing one year upon this earth, I’ve technically completed 49 years with my 49th burthday. If you’re into numerology, that makes it seven times seven. Lucky numbers all around.

Any undertaking like this is going to be tough. It’s going to take a lot of will power. And I’m going to stumble. I know that will happen. But if I stumble, I’ll get up again and walk another day. Somewhere in my heart, I believe that there will be a positive future in my world. And I can’t let the chains of my past tether me from reaching it. Not any more.

This also doesn’t mean that I’m not going to forget my past. To forget is to allow it to happen again.

But I can remember my past… the trick now is to not let my past control me.

Maybe this new future involves a new passion. I’ve heard of those “couch to 5K” training sessions where you can go from cushion-cover to crossing a finish line. Maybe I’ll try that.

Maybe this new future involves a new locale. I’ve never been to Florida, I’ve never been to California. Heck, I’ve never left this continent.

Maybe this new future involves new goals that I never previously envisioned. Heck, I wasn’t even thinking of making Dream Windows at this time last year. Here’s my chance to take an open mind and follow a new path for 2013 and beyond.

This is going to be tough. I’m not going to lie.

I’ve survived everything else. Now it’s time to step forward and create a new life and a new future.

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4 Responses

Happy Birthday Chuck, Here’s an alternative birthday song that we sing to the tune of the “Merry Widow Waltz” when celebrating the birthdays of friends and family:

Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday, we love you.
Happy Birthday,
And may all your dreams come true.
When you blow out the candles,
One light stays aglow.
That’s the lovelight in your heart,
Where ere you go.

“This is going to be tough.” Ahhh, only IF you WANT it to be! I do believe that is a choice we make..daily, hourly and sometimes second to second. I’ll use my senior citizen credentials, I’ve been around the block a few more times than you. If change was easy, there would be no satisfaction in a job well done, there would be no growth. You’re going to have a wonderful journey, this final approach to 50. I look forward to reading all about it …and seeing what images you capture to do your illustrations!

Chuck, you can’t let your past put chains on your future! Oh wait. YOU wrote that. Nice. I don’t know your past; I have not been with you. But remember, it’s not being mindful of our past or sharing our past that holds us back; it’s exploiting our past that can turn it into a crutch. Pat’s right: YOU choose.

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