The Bachelor Recap: Florida Fits

Welcome to Fort Lauderdale! A city that really shelled out some dollars for this #sponsoredcontent!

We’re halfway through? Already?? I am both shocked and pleased by this revelation (get me out of this season and onto the next, PLEASE).

This episode, Krystal is insufferable and psychotic, Arie is a disappointed dad, and everyone else seems pretty cool. Ah, business as usual.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelor: Episode 5

10. Kendall thinks this relationship with Arie is moving really slowly! Girl! The end goal is to get proposed to after spending maybe a collective four days with him!

9. LOL Krystal says all excitedly breathy, “It’s our first fight!” thinking it will be some sweet milestone they share. She is kind of certifiably insane?

8. Uh, the whole Krystal walking back downstairs cliffhanger before commercial doesn’t really work if the first commercial is a promo for next week where Krystal is…still there. You know we’re already watching this god awful show, right? You don’t need to put a spoiler promo during the show.

7. Krystal really wants Arie to chase her and I’m sure this nonsense has worked on other men, but um, you are on a show with 15 other women. He’s not going to chase you.

6. Arie is pretty one dimensional (duh) if he thinks looking at childhood pictures of him and meeting his parents means someone knows him really well. A lot of people have met my parents. A lot of my Instagram followers have seen childhood pictures of me. Neither means they know me at all.

5. GROSSSSSSSSSS WHY WHY WHY did I have to see Arie LICK A BOWLING BOWL? I have less than zero interest in looking at Arie’s tongue, ABC.

4. Here’s the thing: Krystal’s temper tantrum was remarkably childlike and it was important for Arie to let her know how much it disappointed him. I was pleasantly surprised with him being tough and not falling for her nonsense! But his speech to her in the robe was very paternalistic. That’s just NOT a good dynamic for a relationship and hopefully he only does that with her and not everyone? Oh wait, we’ve already seen shades of it with Bekah too…

3. Krystal keeps saying, “who doesn’t say things in the heat of the moment?” I mean, sure, people often say things they regret. But you were not in the heat of the moment—you were on a bus many minutes later and also, that is NOT AN APOLOGY OR AN EXCUSE. Very, very, very occasional slips of the tongue are fine, but all others should be owned, apologized for, and worked to eradicate.

2. I really, really don’t like Krystal so choosing a least favorite thing about her is really hard, but I think I’m going to choose how she keeps saying she’s getting attacked when she literally invites people to tell her how they feel and then proceeds to yell over them as they politely speak to her. Being mean is bad enough, but acting like you’re the one being hurt while being mean is even worse.

1. Krystal keeps yelling over Kendall that she was hurt and she’s entitled to that and she’s being attacked for her feelings which, hey, did you know she’s entitled to them? That’s not how this works, honey. You’re entitled to your feelings and you cannot always control your emotions. But you are an adult living in society so you are expected to control your actions. You know who has trouble controlling their actions and lets emotions drive their behavior? Children.

And now my random thoughts/predictions:

I really like Chelsea! He’s not going to choose her, but I’m digging her.

Having two question games on an episode really made it clear how much more interesting Kendall is than Lauren. What’s your favorite color doesn’t tell you nearly as much about a person as, “would you eat another human?’

Tia is wonderful and my favorite so far of the likely Bachelorette candidates.

If Krystal goes home next week all we’ll have to talk about is how boring Arie is, which…. I’m okay with? Here’s hoping.