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The Effects of Pornography on Wives and Marriages

Joe and Patty came to my office in crisis. Patty had recently discovered Joe viewing internet pornography late at night. A search of the computer’s history revealed chronic use of porn. Joe admitted he had a problem with Internet pornography and vowed to get help. He was truly sorry for hurting Patty, but he could not understand why she was so upset about it. Joe couldn’t understand why she had so much difficulty forgiving him and moving on with their relationship. What Joe didn’t understand is how pornography affects wives.

Impact on Wives

For many women, discovering that their husbands have been viewing pornography is similar to uncovering an extramarital affair. As a result, they experience a variety of emotions: anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, and rejection. They believe their husbands would rather be with the women they view in pornography rather than their wives. Often they feel that they have been replaced by a computer image. The woman on the computer screen is “the other woman.” Because of this, many women are devastated whey they discover their husbands have been looking at porn.

For many wives, their husbands’ use of pornography is a violation of marital trust. When a man and woman marry, they vow to love, honor and cherish each other for the rest of their lives. Viewing pornography is akin to breaking these vows because they are in no way a sign of a man’s love, honor and respect for his wife. For these women, the men they married all of a sudden seem like strangers. Many feel like a fool for ever having trusted their husbands. For some women, the violation of trust is so deep that they question if they can go on with their marriage. While they might be able to forgive their husbands, rebuilding trust can be extremely difficult.

Pornography invading the home can also lead a wife to feel old, unattractive and sexually undesirable. It’s no secret that most of the women in pornography are just over 18 years of age. Furthermore, thanks to plastic surgery, makeup and digital photographic enhancement, most of the women in pornography do not exist in real life. They are too “perfect.” A wife in her mid-thirties, who has had a few children, might be very beautiful; however, she does not look like a 19 year old. Because of this, she may think, “How can I compete with the young girls in porn?” This can lead her to feel ugly, undesirable and rejected by her husband. This is further compounded by the effects pornography can have on a man’s sexual performance. A man who is addicted to pornography can become so accustomed to being sexually aroused by the “perfect” women in pornography that he can eventually find it difficult to perform sexually with his own wife.

Impact on Husbands

Studies have shown that men crave respect from their wives more than love. Pornography robs men of this basic need. Pornography use almost always leads women to lose respect for her husbands. They also begin to view their husbands as poor role models for their children. This adds to the lack of respect. This can be very painful for women because it inhibits their ability to love, honor and respect their husbands. Men were created to be the leaders, providers and protectors of their wives and families. Pornography prevents men from being able to fulfill these roles because it leads a man to isolate himself and neglect his wife and children. This deepens the trust wound in the marriage.

In addition to the emotional effects that pornography has on wives and marriages, it can also have physical ramifications. When a man becomes addicted to pornography, he eventually develops a tolerance to it. What was once sexually arousing becomes boring and uninteresting. Thus, he can go from viewing soft porn to hardcore porn. After a while, even this is not enough. He may develop a desire to perform the sexual acts he has seen in pornography. This can lead to using prostitutes and engaging in anonymous sex. With this comes the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases.

With one couple I treated, the wife found out about her husband’s pornography/sex addiction from her physician. She had gone to her gynecologist for her annual examination and was informed that she had a sexually transmitted disease. She had gotten it from her husband who had been frequenting prostitutes. Since she had always been faithful to her husband, she knew she caught the disease from him. After confronting him, he confessed. One can hardly imaging the devastation this couple felt. Although this couple loved each other dearly and were committed to mending their marriage, it took months of therapy to work on forgiveness and rebuilding trust.

Fortunately, most couples are not like the one just described. Most are like Joe and Patty. When people think of addiction recovery, they often envision the addict attending 12-step group meetings and individual therapy sessions. While these are needed for recovery, marital therapy is also needed to heal the deep wounds inflicted on the marital relationship.

Couples need to realize that even the most devastating situations can lead to greater love, trust an intimacy in a marriage. There is always hope. However, it starts by husbands understanding how their pornography use affects their wives and marriage. It is my hope that this understanding will prevent men from viewing pornography as well as help heal marriages that have been damaged by pornography use.

About the author, Peter Kleponis

Dr. Peter Kleponis is a Licensed Clinical Therapist and Assistant Director of Comprehensive Counseling Services in Conshohocken, PA. He holds an M.A. in Clinical-Counseling Psychology from LaSalle University in Philadelphia, PA and a Ph.D. in General Psychology from Capella University in Minneapolis, MN. Dr. Kleponis specializes in marriage & family therapy, pastoral counseling, resolving anger, men’s issues, and pornography addiction recovery. He is the author of Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography.

161 thoughts on “The Effects of Pornography on Wives and Marriages”

Most men, especially the generation of the 70’s and 80’s that grew up with the internet, do not just suddenly start having struggles with porn during marriage. This often is something that started way before. I think one of the worst mistakes is to keep that history a secret from your wife. Its shameful but otherwise you are setting up for this exact kind of hurt and pain.

An honest discussion about your history and struggle with your girlfriend or fiancee can keep the relationship’s trust secure. Should a wife be your accountability partner? I dont believe so, but she can still be a pillar of support through it all, just by being open and honest.

this is so one sided and stupid…. look. Quit shaming men and women to believe that sex is bad. There. Problem solved. Talk about sex and the partners’ sexual needs prior to marriage, and sexual expectations and no problem will occur. Was this done prior to my Catholic marriage training? no. Instead they wanted to talk about a woman’s cycle and how to not have children or sex during her period *rolls eyes* As if the Church wasn’t the one to promote romance and to end loveless family strengthing marriages two thousand years ago…. smh.

Either you handle the elephant in the room or you grow more uncomfortable and distrusting. Handle it. Sex is normal and fun. Men AND Women, either you will be a prude or you will make sure your partner’s sexual desires and needs are fulfilled. And keep your sexcapeds to your self! No one needs to know your sex life. That’s the secret to marriage and how to end porn addiction.

Hey Real Life, I can’t tell if you are responding to carterxiii above or the article as a whole, but I assume it is the latter.

I fail to see how this article promotes the idea that sex is bad, though I do agree we need to talk openly before marriage about sexual desires. Absolutely. Good marriage prep will include these kinds of conversations, for sure.

That said, I’m not sure the problem simply goes away after that point. For a lot of guys, even men with sexually vibrant marriages, their porn problem unexpectedly gets worse after their wedding day.

Why is it assumed only men have porn addictions. Why are we assuming porn is bad for everyone. When women age they often lose interest in sex. A man needs to orgasm. It’s better that he watches porn than does something intimate with another woman. I feel bad for my husband that my menopause ruined our sex life. Everything isn’t so black and white.

This post is written for couples where men are addicted to porn, but this is not because women don’t have porn addictions, too? It’s just a targeted article for a specific situation. If you want more articles for women, we have lot of them.

I don’t think Dr. Kleponis is assuming porn is bad for everyone as much as he flat out believes it is based on research.

I’m not sure exactly what you mean by men “need” to orgasm? Need for what? Even if this is true, why is it necessary for men to masturbate? There are whole cultures in the world where they don’t even have a word for masturbation because it is so uncommon. Even if you think it is necessary for men to masturbate, why should we assume using porn is a healthy method for it?

Of course it’s always your choice whether to stay in a relationship or not. Many women do choose to stay in relationships, even though porn and cheating are ongoing behaviors. I would invite you, though, to watch how this impacts you over time. Many, many women in situations like this will eventually meet the criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). If you find that his choices are impacting you negatively, you might want to find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and decide on boundaries that are respectful to you. Peace to you, Kay

To everybody saying porn comes from having a bad sex life and so on and so forth. Me and my husband have a GREAT sex life. 2-3 times a day even. But when I go to work he downloads 10-30 porn videos onto his phone and watches them throughout the week while I’m working, even while I’m in the other room at times. These women look NOTHING like me and make me feel unattractive to him (even though he swears its not like that) our sex life has just recently started to go downhill only because of my lack of confidence that he caused by watching porn in the first place. So explain that one.

This is a great article and is right on. Men are turned on by what wver they train their mind to be turned on to. Whether they understand and know they are training their minds or not. Its simple educated thinking. Leaving the one they love hurt and they dont understand why cause to men they dont view sex the way women do. Thanks for writing this, it really helps men who love their wife to understand what is going on on her end. And that understanding is the beginning to healing!

The reason men view pornography is because they are not getting any sex.
So, they are able to become aroused, and satisfy their needs. So if a wife
uses the headache excuse, or I’m the too tired excuse, or whatever the reason may be for refusing to have coitus, ergo the porn flicks.

My husband has been involved with porn for as long as I have known him. 27 years!!!! It has caused much damage to the way I feel about myself. I do feel like I’m competing with something that I can’t live up too. I’m not skinny enough, pretty enough, sexy enough…I’m just not enough for him. These feelings of being less than has caused me to lay in bed at night and pray that he doesn’t touch me. When we are intimate I can’t truly enjoy our time together because I am wondering what the girl looks like that he is seeing in his mind instead of me. Am I saying the right things? Do I make the right sounds? Am I moving my body right? I’m so consumed with these thoughts I don’t enjoy sex with my own husband anymore and I like sex! We actually went for a year without being intimate. He was oblivious to that. When I told him I wanted a divorce he begged me to change my mind. I’ll do whatever you want he said. I agreed to go to marriage counseling with him. Our first time was together and the majority of the conversation was around his use of porn. The second time my husband went alone to be assessed for his addiction. The therapist told him he was a sex addict which made my husband angry and neither one of us went back. And guess what……he is still looking at porn.

It sounds like you tried to set boundaries (divorce) but sadly enough, your husband doesn’t really seem to be willing to respond to those boundaries with healthy choices on his part. You might want to check this article out.

Exactly how Dr stated it is what my husband did he started watching porn then we spoke did all his sexual desires and still wasn’t enough. Later I found his delete email found that he had been speaking to other women to meet up for casual sex. I never felt so betrayed I did everything he asked I look sexy and took care of myself that’s not even the sad part I was out of the hospital with our two day old daughter when he was emailing. That’s what’s killing me I can never get those precious moments back when we where supposed to be full of joy that this beautiful human that we created was home. Let alone he was speaking to these women as if they cared that he meet up with them but I was in the way and letting them know our child had a school event and he could meet them there FYI I didn’t go it was the middle of winter and I had a new born baby and had a c section. I love my husband so much but I’m very confused I know for a fact if he does anything like this again I’m out. The love I have to give is pure and I can be a freak in bed and a women in the streets his loss. By the way this article is on point that’s exactly how I feel

Mona, I am so, so sorry. What a painful experience. Please do find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries. Most of all, make sure that you are safe and that he is not exposing you to disease through unprotected sex. Your safety and well-being are absolutely vital! Peace to you, Kay

I don’t know why that snapshot of a woman’s eyes is used here on a pronography addiction fighting blog. It is pictures like that, for most men, that lead their thoughts to the sites in the first place. I was tempted just by seeing those eyes.

Dude this just shows how warped your mind is. It is the picture of the sad eyes of a woman destroyed by her husbands pornography obsession. The thing that makes them so sad is the fact that everything and anything including the pain in their eyes, Is going to make their husband want to cheat on her. why because that’s what pornography does. It makes men want to cheat with everything they look at. the picture does not need to change. The way you view the world does! ! I guess it’s hard to get your mind out of the gutter when your always filling it with garbage

I’m willing to change the picture, but I’ve also been told that images of young girls provoke lust, or bare feet, or for that matter, pictures of men’s faces. I’m all for helping people out, but I need some help drawing the line. Can images of human beings at all be used?

You need to learn to control your thoughts. Good grief! It’s a very non-sexual picture of a woman. You can’t expect to go through life having everyone “protect” you from your own perverted thoughts. She’s a person, not an object, and her photo here definitely isn’t composed to objectify her. Making women the “cause” of your downfall is part of your addicted victim hood mentality. Get your act together.

While so much of this article seemed right on, two things bothered me. First: Jared brought up an excellent point about the photo being provocative. I would hope the immediate response would be to remove the photo since the problem was pointed out. Why ask Jared if it should be removed when he’s already been clear that this is a stumbling block and temptation? Second: “Sometimes wives can even be a cause of pornography use by their husbands.” This is akin to saying that sometimes a wife can cause her husband to beat her because of something’s she done. We are responsible for our own choices. Nobody can cause us to sin. She may have sinned in her actions too, but that does not take the choice away from the husband to make the right decisions.

Exactly. How can any man say that a picture of a pretty womans face is to blame for leading him to go objectify women for his own selfish gratification. That is the problem. Men using women like object to not have to deal with their own emotional wounds. Causing wounds by doing it. There are women with eyes and faces everywhere one goes. Should we just wipe women off the face of the earth so men won’t be tempted to use us rather than love us and make love to the women who love them? Or do they really need to go get off every time they refuse to look deeper into the eyes of a person? If they cared they wouldn’t feel the need to reduce a pair of saddened eyes they could actually do something about, into something that leads them to using their body’s for wank it too. That is so typical just blame a woman for having eyes at all to excuse what it causes you do do because of it. No one can pull your mind out of the gutter for you. Men need to learn how to control their own desires to hurt their wife.

I think that I will seek a Doctor of Philosophy and become an expert on human relations through the miracle of on line education (read correspondence school). Perhaps a depiction of a gay couple would serve the claims made in the article more palatable.

I would like to comment on the issue of the picture of the woman being a trigger for some. Here are my thoughts: I am a recovering alcoholic. When I see pictures of alcohol, commercials with alcohol, gatherings that include alcohol, etc…it triggers my addiction. It could be as innocent as a glass of wine with cheese and grapes, but it can still “speak” to me. Over time in recovery we can overcome these triggers. I’ve heard pill addicts disclose that they can’t even hear someone else in the other room open up a bottle of Advil and not have urges to use. How terrible would that be? With that said (and I could go on and on lol), if you are not addicted to a specific thing such as porn, alcohol, drugs, shopping, eating, gambling, etc. than how can you blow off someone’s trigger and tell them to get their act together when you have no earthly idea to the pain that they are in. It would be like you breaking your foot, and I say, ” Get your act together! I can’t be compassionate, sympathetic, or even willing to understand that you are wounded… because you shouldn’t have broke your foot! What is wrong with you? You can’t expect to go through life having everyone “protect” you from your own clumsiness! Do you get how ridiculous it sounds when we in our simple minds judge another on something that we have never yet experienced ourselves (and God forbid you ever have the pain of any of these things!)? If you choose to have an opinion on a matter, enlighten yourself before you speak, please. Criticism is what our world likes to throw around now days. That can easily be the thread that unravels someone to give up hope. In recovery the most important thing is that we feel loved and accepted, and in the beginning especially we need all the encouragement. compassion, and acceptance from our peers. Pain is pain…don’t try to understand a language that you could never speak, nor understand & in doing that you will do more for yourself and others to remain silent, than to look down upon folks from your lofty place.

I appreciate what you say here, Rebecca. I think that encouragement, compassion, and acceptance are extremely important in the recovery process.

At the same time, personal responsibility in responding to triggers is a real key in recovery as well. The world is not going to be able to conform itself into a triggerless environment. I wish it could, but it can’t. Ultimately, the person who’s working through their recovery will have to learn to deal with those triggers in a healthy way.

Agreed, it is a choice. I have dealt with addictions of family members more than I care to think about (alcohol, drugs). This is an addiction. It is also infidelity. It makes the husband pull away from the wife emotionally and physically. Women are relational and need that in marriage to feel intimacy. Pornography polarizes two people. If it weren’t for books and website articles written on the subject I would have felt like I was going mad because nothing I could DO would make my husband happy. The notion that the wife drives a man to do something like this is only giving permission to husbands to not take ownership and blame their wives. That one statement just nullified the whole article.

This is like saying that men watching porn does not make women sad, the actions of your partner actually help guide your actions with that emotion your feeling, I know it happens a lot when men are sad and are feeling depressed.

The problem is, as I see it, males growing up to view women as THINGS instead of whole human beings. This view is perpetuated by the media and it shows that we are living in a ‘man’s world’. So long as women play up to and allow this to go on, keep presenting themselves as ‘things’ and not standing up and saying we are MORE and worth more, treat ourselves better, then this will never go away. I have two sons and I tell them about the stories that may be behind the ‘faces’ of porn (having been sexually abused myself as a child I am all too aware) and tell them that women are not THINGS. My husband has used porn and my friends, the media etc tell me this is normal male behaviour. If that is TRUE then why is it so upsetting and degrading to me and other women? Also, what comparable hurt is there towards males from women? Shopping?! Please! It’s simply infidelity and insulting, degrading, demoralising, chauvanism!

As a clinical psychologist I tend to differ with your opinions. Pornography does exactly the opposite of what you propose. Pornography can keep a relationship together. Pornography is often used by a male in a dedicated relationship in a couple of ways. One of these ways is to satisfy himself because his sexual drive and the sexual drive of his wife may differ. Testosterone levels in men rise and rise and eventually have to be dealt with either with him making love to his wife (if she is willing) or masturbation. Testosterone buildups in a male can cause a man to go a little “batty” and make them cranky. It has been proven in scientific studies that men think about sex quite frequently. the Kinsey institute did a study that resulted in 54% of men thinking of sex once or many times a day. One of those reasons is that men need sex to feel emotionally connected to the woman in their lives. Men are fixers and doers. They validate themselves and their relationship through sex. Women need the emotional connection with her man for validation. When it comes to pornography, men use it for multiple reasons. To observe the beauty of the female form in a woman other than his wife in a faithful non physical way. To release testosterone, and to explore new things. Things that may very well keep a couple together. I consider this a good thing with divorce rates being as high as they are today. Men were never meant to be monogamous. Very few mammalian species are. Men have a hard wired psychological need to spread his seed and procreate with multiple mates. We modern males have adopted monogamy and many are perfectly successful with it. I know I am. One main reason that men use pornography is that their sexual needs are not being met. I am not blaming his wife in this situation, it’s just a fact. Wouldn’t you rather your husband resort to pornography than cheat with another woman? There is a line here. I am talking about print and video pornography, not “live” pornography with a living woman on the other side of the screen interacting with him. That I would consider infidelity.

The only problem with pornography is addiction, and addiction is not part of the endocrine system.

Pornography has been around since the beginning of time, and even visual representations have been recovered from the Roman era. It’s just part of every day life. There is nothing that can be done to stop it. It’s better to try to understand it than criticize it.

@Kyle – Interesting thoughts, but you are right: your opinion does differ greatly from mine. As you said, “Men…validate themselves and their relationship through sex.” Exactly. But this is the very thing that needs corrected, not embraced. When we are socialized to desire intimate relationships that are founded on mutual respect, honesty, shared power, and romantic love, we should not be surprised that so many women are hurt when they know their husband is looking at pornography. Commercial porn only eroticizes power, abuse, voyeurism, discrimination, disrespect, objectification, and detachment. Why should these qualities be promoted?

Call me crazy, but to give up something that you want almost more than anything else in the world for another person, is a much more important act of love than sex itself. But this is a minor point.

A more important point is being a man. To have something, a substance or image, that is stronger than you are means you are weak. Saying “no” makes you more of a man, and saying “no” forever builds confidence that is FAR MORE powerful than any justification. Life will improve without end.

I pray for those you advise. You are diminishing their lives and should be sued.

Pornography causes addiction. None of us were meant to be monogamous. Don’t think for a second women don’t like to get sex from other men too. Not to mention the attention that comes along with it. We’re women we need that attention to fill like we are making out husbands happy just they same. When a man is going to to other women than his wife to get his sexual needs met. How to you propose that fits in with the comment “Men need sex to feel the emotional connection with their wives?” Yes that’s a true statement and it goes both ways. But even more so for men. Pornography teaches men to separate from their wife and their emotions to go “observe the beauty of the female form” and he does a lot more than that when doing it. It’s hardly faithful. It only make s the man believe he has conquered that woman and he quits appreciating the form of the woman he has. He quites appreciating anything about her because he’s busy pursuing new conquests in his own mind instead of pursuing a good relationship. We all know God made man’s sex drive high for a reason. For a man to become a man and get any of his true needs met. He has to learn how to rise above his animal nature. This is the plan to grow and finding true happiness. Women like sex too we like attention even more. We also have to learn to stop getting off on other men giving it to us when we get married. Or else we’re all looking outside of our relationship to have our emotional needs met. For me I’d rather have a man get off his lazy but and go see if he can get a woman like that top have sex with him. He may grow in the process. But to just take whatever he wants for free even if it is only in his own mind. It shows where he is in his heart regardless. Women have a hard time getting their emotional needs met when men go to other women for anything. especially to fill her role as his wife. Why do you think women aren’t in the mood as much or don’t think about sex as much as men? Because they don’t like sex? Come on!! No it’s because no one is taking the time to connect with us emotionally or we’d be the ones needing a release. They are to busy envisioning themselves they have no emotional connection too. Like it or not it’s still the same biological response that happens weather he orgasms with his wife or with someone else in his mind. So it’s just stupid to think porn is good for anything in the relationship. It’s leading a whole bunch of women to lose respect and love for their man which only leads to them wanting to go find another man who to pay attention to them. Men created monogamy so they could get a woman who wouldn’t do that so she would be there to do it with him. Men can’t just conquer one woman then move onto the next without losing the first one in the process.

I understand your point— but there are a few things missing here, in my opinion. Yes men think about sex BUT so do women. The problem that I never hear anyone talk about is that sex is different for women because women are supposed to be these desirable perfect beauties that are always shaven, smell wonderful, and are looked at in this way. So we feel this pressure to be perfect and desirable for our husbands. Sometimes we want to have sex but don’t want to go through the pain staking process of shaving, lotioning, finding nice clothes/underwear, etc. we want to make sure our husbands /boyfriends are going to have those kinds of memories with us at all times. So sometimes we opt out of sex to exchange that possibility of having not do perfect bodies for a time we are up for getting dolled up. It’s hard to feel good and desirable when our men are always eyeing up younger prettier gals. So if the porn industry wasn’t as enormous and accessible, more women would feel more beautiful more of the time and that would = men having more sex.

the bottom line is the human race is an animal species which means that we are programmed in the DNA to be naturally violent and sexually active just like animals. What separates individuals within a culture is how we manage our emotions and cultivate our supermind or higher self. Our goal as a species should be to focus on self-acceptance and self-love so that we can give back to society. Our world, particulary America, sells us sex and violence to make us feel something, some awakening which ends up feeding our addictions for something more, so peoples’ appetites and desires for all this primal desire contributes to spousal abuse and violence in the workplace. It is hard to see the connection in how viewing pornography can contribute to the breakdown of society unless you quiet your mind and become honest with yourself—that you are just feeding the void in your mind and body, that part of yourself that yearns to feel alive and loved.. If people were to sit down and use the time to listen within and pursue that which fill their highest aspiration to make them happy and alive they would not be addicted to pornography or to anything else for that matter.

You have no clue what you’re talking about! I have never turned my husband away for sex. In fact, it’s me that wants it more. After 28 years of his porn addiction, and lying to me. We only have sex once a month, maybe… He chooses his pornography over me. You haven’t a clue at all!

The reason why i think is total crap is because why was my husband so upset when i would compliment another man for being good looking. If you suggest that a husband looking at porn is perfectly ok and normal why would he be so upset for his wife simply complimenting another man for just being good looking. He should just thank his lucky stars thats all she is doing

You have successfully made me feel as though my feelings don’t matter one whit!! What a bunch of crap….pop psychology pffftt. Pornography damages a marriage and the people in it. PERIOD!! Your opinion on this has likely caused more damage than healing……and I’d bet my bottom dollar that the “success” of the vast majority of couples that follow your advice is just a stuffing down of true feelings because they have been made to feel as though something is wrong with them if they don’t accomplish what you project to them. Your comment infuriated me more than any of the others…..it was a complete dismissal of very justified feelings of betrayal due to my husbands porn use. YOU are the reason I fear going into therapy……giving him permission and justification to continue damaging our marriage and hurting me to the core!!!!

Thanks for speaking up! I do think you have to be a careful user of the counseling resources out there. Sadly, it’s true that some counselors would rather keep a marriage together than actually work for the healing of the individuals within the relationship. I personally do NOT recommend couples’s counseling for pornography issues UNTIL the husband is well into his own recovery. Otherwise, it’s way too easy for the good things a counselor says to get twisted into crazy ways to excuse unhealthy choices. Addicts are pure genius at that–they’ve twisted things up so much to excuse things in their own minds in order to keep doing what they do. In my opinion, the husband has to be taking full responsibility for himself and working his program successfully before you’ve got two people who can equally work on the marriage together in couples therapy.

If you do go to counseling, remember that counseling is for YOU. You should be satisfied with what’s happening. If the sessions make you feel more burdened or blamed, then something is wrong. You are under NO obligation to the counselor and you can stop therapy at any time. Don’t keep going if it’s making things worse!

My husband says that if you called someone to fix your leaking toilet and instead they made a geyser in your bathroom, you wouldn’t assume that nobody can fix toilets. You’d just realize this guy was a dud, and you’d find someone who actually did know what they were doing.

My wife she’s angry with me after getting to know that I use to watch porn movie, but I watched for to see some better sex styles so that I can make her happy it’s just about improving the sex with her. What can I do or explain to her?

Hi Kyle, was she unsatisfied with the sex and did she ask you to learn by watching these movies? It’s not surprising that if you just decided to watch porn so that you could learn more, that she would be upset. Did you also seek some personal pleasure from watching these videos? I don’t think there’s much to explain, other than to apologize and talk to her about ways to improve sexual satisfaction without the use of pornography.

As a clinical psychologist myself, I could not disagree with you more. And I find it disturbing that you are enabling this type of behavior. In over 35 years of my practice, I have never seen the positive effects of pornography on monogamous, heterosexual couples. This is where I will be coming from by the way, because I counsel mostly monogamous, heterosexual couples. Unfortunately I have seen the negative effects of pornography on the strongest, “open” minded couples out there. What at first may seem “innocent”, “natural”, “normal”, has become anything but. To make a long story short, pornography often leads to a lack of respect between the married couples. Regardless of whether the woman is engaging in it or the man. I have seen too many wonderful, healthy relationships crumble because of porn. I can honestly say that it has lead to many divorces. Trust, integrity and honor are violated if both parties are not on board with it. And even the couples who are both on board with it, eventually I end up counseling one or the other on issues of addiction, trust, objectification, insecure body images, I could go on and on. And I will say that, when I first became a clinical psychologist many moons ago, I didn’t think too much about porn. I know it wasn’t as rampant as it is now, but Playboy was very popular. I saw a trickle of couples seeking counseling over Playboy and pornographic issues, but nothing compared to the amount of couples I see now over pornography.

I recently just found out my husband is into porn. Wish he would have stated that when I first met him and he said “strip clubs and porn make me uncomfortable”. I have no problem with it if its out in the open… Hence why I asked him about it. Most recently I found it while I was 6 months pregnant and he was denying me saying he baby could see and feel it. Now it’s just worse. I could check his phone daily and it’s a different video. My main question and point is… Would all the married porn lovers like it if their wives were putting themselves out there to be admired by other porn lovers?? I never get a very clear response from my husband because it makes him mad. But then he can go watch someone else have sex? Makes no sense to me. Porn just pulls couples apart. I WILL NEVER give myself to him like I once did… All because his selfish self needs to watch other girls get screwed by someone else. How disgusting!

I beg to differ with the text quoted below. It is the woman’s lack of self esteem and self respect that cause this. Not pornography.

“Pornography invading the home can also lead a wife to feel old, unattractive and sexually undesirable. It’s no secret that most of the women in pornography are just over 18 years of age. Furthermore, thanks to plastic surgery, makeup and digital photographic enhancement, most of the women in pornography do not exist in real life. They are too “perfect.” A wife in her mid-thirties, who has had a few children, might be very beautiful; however, she does not look like a 19 year old. Because of this, she may think, “How can I compete with the young girls in porn?” This can lead her to feel ugly, undesirable and rejected by her husband. This is further compounded by the effects pornography can have on a man’s sexual performance.”

Where does a woman’s self esteem and confidence come from? It comes from the way that their supposed best friend and soul mate treat them. You may disagree with that concept… But the simple fact is that, that’s where women get their confidence from. Yes they should be confident in themselves through Christ and the creator, but most are not. Pornography leads to other things, and it is cheating. God said that looking at another women lustfully is adultery. You probably don’t follow Christ, or even believe in him… That’s the problem with your theory… It’s made up of a bunch of your opinions. Because your a “doctor” and you “understand” the human pshyce, it gives you justification in your mind. If a man turns to pornography because he has “need” that need to be met, it’s not a problem with the wife or the marriage, it’s a problem with the man. We can all continue to lie to ourselves and pretend that it’s some thing or some one else’s fault. The fact is evident to me from my own experience…. It’s us, men, not anything else but the roots of evil that we let build in us and take us over. If we continue to let things like pornography and sexual desires like these continue to wedge itself into our lives, it will ultimately dictate things that we do sexually. Not because of anything other than, we have let it take us to places in which we give control to our sin nature. We try to control our feelings with porn and sex. I am 33 years old and I have struggled with porn and sex almost my entire life, and it has hurt me every step of the way. I am currently at a crossroads with my wife because of porn and sex, and the choices that I have made regarding both. I have given it all up completely for the first time in my life. As my wife forgives me a little at a time, I am finding that our life and relationship has become more fulfilling than it ever has been… Probably due to the fact that I am finally committed to her like she has been to me for the last few years.

No it causes it. A woman’s self respect comes from being a mother and wife. Giving her husband offspring and serving his sexual needs in the process. it takes a tole yes but we can feel even more beautiful and desires in the process when we have a good man who can see what we do and shows us the respect we deserve. To go wank it to someone who doesn’t even know him or like him let alone do anything for him. Besides give him fodder to get of on the idea he could get that conquer that her. It’s disrespectful to women in general. Maybe you would like your daughters posing naked for men like that? I’m sure they don’t like you looking at theirs that way either. But that will happen when men put more value on young bodies than on the mother of their children.

33 mom of 4 weight 125 FLAT abs 0 strech marks!!!!!! I feel sexy I know I’m beautiful. Confidence comes with age! And from with in not some man telling u . . . . and those 18 yr olds are insecure I was once them!!!! Your a man. Just like I don’t know why you think the way you do. And won’t state how u THINK as fact! You have no idea what women think or why they are secure or why they aren’t!!!! It comes from with in. NOT FROM MEN TELLING U

My husband has been doing this for years and lying about it. Its cheating no matter what if you are doing it in your head all the time whats the difference. We are still married but our sex life as far as i am concerned is ruined. i dont even want to have sex although i do it anyway but the entire time all i can do is fight to hold in my tears because i cant enjoy it all for the thoughts in my head knowing im not really what he wants and wondering is he thinking about his porn pics in his head and it never stops! All the times i would catch him he lied and lied then in the last couple of years he would say it was none of my buisness. He would say he wouldnt do it anymore but as always i would find it again and most recently i find names of girls he has took the time to write down to later look them up online and i found where he wrote down a japenese porn website and an arabic one this stuff makes me sick as well now he is into foreigners! He would do this often times with me in the other room why not come have sex with me no im not enough im not what he wants. And the pictures some of the girls dont even look like they are 18 some look very very young that disgusts me especially since he is 52 years old. One of the times i will never forget i caught him we got into a fight about it and he told me i will quit but dont get mad at me when i cant have sex with you and then he tried to say he didnt mean it like that what else could you mean. And alot of times he has trouble performing so naturally i think back to what he said to me and when i tell him i know thats the problem he says no and that he only said that to make me mad he didnt mean it and that its because he is getting older which is bull and i know it. Even though i havent caught him in about a month now the damage is done he has done this and lied millions of times and im not exaggerating so i will never trust him and i dont think i can ever get over this issue when it comes to us in the bedroom. I know I cannot take anymore he makes me start to feel hatred towards him because he does not care how bad he hurts me or he would stop. If I catch him again he can have a relationship with his images and his hand I am done and I will get a divorce. When Ive threatened to do exactly what he has done to me that is unexceptable tell me why.

Hey there. I am so, so sorry for all the pain you’ve suffered in your marriage. I think you’ve got to consider what is healthy for you at this point. Here and here are some articles on boundaries to help you think about that. Also, we do understand that sometimes pornography use goes so far that it becomes a reasonable cause for separation and divorce. It’s heart-breaking when that happens. But the reality is that many, many women will meet the criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in situations like the one you’re describing.

I think it’s crucial that you find a therapist who can help you through this difficult time. You’ve got lots of pain and loss to process, and important decisions to make. Be sure you’re getting good support, and whatever your husband chooses, you make healthy choices for you. Peace to you, Kay

My husband watching porn just makes me want to go out and get attention from other people. Someone who would appreciate me and what I have. That being said I am a young good looking woman. I’m already worried about when I’m 50 and no so together.., how will him looking at 18 year olds make me feel? Horrible! Sick!! This is about a man not taking responsibility for hisself and the life he leads. Hit the sperm bank, jeez! I feel opposite, I feel like the girls he looks at are nasty and photoshop could surely save some of them. Nothing special… The free porn pornstars.

Nothing hurt more than knowing that your husband was watching porno movie while you were in the hospital delivery his baby by c-section, and he keep watching it up till now. It even when he refused to go out with me for a walk because he is tired but when I’m gone he start watching porno movies. Now I see him like a stranger, I can’t trust him anymore.

I have to agree wtih Kyle. Broken commented: “Kyle you will NEVER get it if you are not a Christian. Enough said right there!” I am sorry Broken but you must be very ignorant (I do not mean to be offensive) or you are in denial. I have been part of many churches throughout my life time. I would say more than half of the Christian community view pornagraphy or have extra-marital affairs. Don’t get me started on pastors. Just because you have accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior or read the bible everyday does not really prevent a person from “sinning”. Actually, there was a study done and it found out that Evangelist Christian men masturbate while watching pornagraphy way more than secular men. The only difference is, they will never admit to this in their congregation or church even when asked. So religion has nothing to do with keeping a man from “sinning”.

Kyle has a very good point. The only reason why woman care if their husband or boyfriend watches pornagraphy is because it makes them feel “ugly”…. Ok what if a man watched pornagraphy and made a woman feel beautiful and improved their sex life?? Then we would not have a problem. So it is only about the self-esteem of the woman. What if a woman had really good self-esteem? Not all men who watch pornagraphy are addicted or act out on it. Addictions are serious, If a man has a pornagraphy addiction…. “dependence on or commitment to a habit, practice, or habit-forming substance to the extent that its cessation causes trauma.” It would severly impact his life… He would not be able to function, go to work or have a relationship. In this case, yes you are right! Just like all addictions. But just because a person ocassionally watches porn… What is the big deal? Most of the time it is just a hamless fantasy and most morally sounded people will not act on it. Actually, it can improve the couples sex life. I am sorry to tell you most men watch porn. They are just smart about it and do not get caught or they are honest with their wives. I am sorry women…. if you have such low self esteem or let yourselves go… just like a man let himself go by getting fat and lazy and sits on the sofa all day, do something about it.

Why after 14 yrs of great marriage would your husband want you to engage in sex with another man and maybe him to fulfill a fantasy? Due to morals I refuse to participate and he gets irritated and the male says he can’t disrespect me. I’m a petite ,well maintained attractive woman,who is confused and need input.i try to be intimate and he acts like he’s not interested but yet says I can have a woman friend.any input to sort it out.

Hey there. It’s hard to say what exactly is going on here, but it sounds like you’re thinking about your boundaries, and that’s good. I would encourage you to spend some time thinking about what you want in the relationship and what you don’t want. Here and here are a couple of articles that might help. You might also want to read Boundaries in Marriage. A counselor could also be helpful to you as you think through these things. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose health and wholeness. Peace to you, Kay

I can not believe this author actually has the audacity to say wives can cause their husbands to view porn! The fault is in the one who acts out…no matter what excuse he/she may use for her/his excuse. That’s like saying it is the spouses fault when their partner beats them for making them mad! Don’t listen to this joker. He’s screwed up in the head.

Kyle does have it all wrong, either through what he’s been taught, not having enough experience with his clients, or because he is himself addicted and can’t be honest with himself or anyone about it’s effects. Testosterone is part of a positive feedback cycle. The more it’s used, the more it’s produced. This is why pornography indulgences tend to become habits, and eventually addictions. If a guy knows he shouldn’t be looking or wants to stop, and he falls into it anyway, he is effectively addicted and will need external help to get out of it, the chemical feedback and hormonal systems of the brain are simply too powerful to give up such a powerful and easy drug completely willingly.

Men don’t need to observe the beauty of the female form anymore than they can’t prevent themselves from doing it. Doing so in pretty much any circumstance causes testosterone to start pumping. In an ideal world of our imagination we could disconnect ourselves from our hormones and emotions and view all things objectively. There is an incredibly good biological/evolutionary/spiritual reason we can’t (yes, that’s right, we cannot disconnect ourselves from our hormones, but we can try and get a little better at it with a lifetime of work) and that is to propagate our families, our species, and to raise offspring in an environment where we can pass on the knowledge we have gained about life, the universe, and everything around us, thus improving human existence.

That being said, women biologically know that men are attracted to their beauty and use it and manipulate it to gain their advantage and pursue security they expect men to provide (emotional, financial, intellectual, whatever they’ve been taught to value). These two gender “problems” contribute to our society’s major faults and in such a society of abundance and surplus that we live in, what else are we going to do with our free time? (this is tongue in cheek if you don’t get the sarcasm) Just surviving used to be a sunrise to sundown ordeal, then it became a job, then there was room for hobbies, then those hobbies became easier, so we sought out entertainment, and more entertainment, and then it gets boring, and the most mentally and physically enticing thing for the male body to appreciate is anything to do with his reproductive organs and passing on his DNA (that is the main physiological objective of every living creature on this planet, everything else is to help this process). Women are designed to seek security to bare children in a protected fashion and this becomes their primary objective.

Both these things are generalizations about mankind as a whole so please don’t argue over details or the exceptions. The problem is that if we can’t achieve that desired goal each gender biologically has ingrained in them, we find distorted avenues of release that come close, but unfortunately tend to be destructive to the very things we’re trying to achieve. Think of it as a built in self-destruct mechanism for an overabundant or lazy society/community/culture.

In my observations and discussion with others on this topic, men are every bit a slave to their hormones as women are. Men don’t have a predictable monthly rush they can blame, it’s a fairly constant yet erratic stream they are constantly fighting, especially in today’s lust-filled society that targets men and also women: Lust for things, lust for social lives, lust for sex, lust for unfulfilled fantasies (dream vacations, shopping sprees, jackpot prizes, etc).

I would venture that, hormonally (HORMONALLY, not PHYSICALLY), a pregnancy is just as difficult on the man is it is on the woman.

The woman’s self-esteem is directly tied to her husband’s opinion of her, just as a man’s self-esteem is directly tied to his wife’s opinion of him. This is natural and part of human nature, however, both genders need to realize that self-esteem needs to come from yourself first, then from other people. If it comes from you and your actions, you may experience blows from time to time but you’ll bounce back and recover. Self-esteem should not be over-tied to a spouse, children, friends, possessions, etc. If it is, it’s not “self”-esteem, is it?

While no wife is ever responsible for her husband’s choices, she does have a HUGE HUGE HUGE effect on his emotional state. Let me state that again, she has a HUGE HUGE HUGE effect on his emotional state and how he feels about himself and her and how honest he will be. This is a tough one. If the wife is kind and understanding, the husband MAY not feel the need or desire to stop the behavior (the punishment is not severe enough). If she is too harsh on him, he MAY stop being honest. It totally depends on each person and I don’t think anyone has an answer for it except that we can’t take responsibility for anyone else’s choices but our own so if there’s something we should be doing better, we should be doing it regardless of what our spouse is doing. Each couple should start conservative and move from there as far as they need to to resolve the issue.

If the husband is having fantasies or a struggle desiring more, he needs help overcoming that. He will not be able to resolve it on his own. No internet filter will be enough, no monitoring of internet histories, etc. The desire to avoid it has to come from him and the walls that he needs need to come from him and the help of other people and they need to cater to him. The wife may be able to help him, but if it goes beyond her ability, he will need professional help (not the kind Kyle Hansen offers, STAY AWAY from his advice!!!! It does not work in the long-term) and the help of a support group where he can be completely and totally honest to somebody and allow him to talk out and reason out his actions. I can’t say enough good about 12-step groups.

As for helping the wife with the emotional turmoil they feel upon discovery of a husband’s habit or addiction, maybe you all can help me. My best attempts at discussing it with mine fall short of what’s really going through her head about this topic. The rationales and explanations she offers are inconsistent and contradictory to each other and she can’t see that at the moment. One website states it as a temporary insanity that accompanies the healing process, and that’s been the best explanation I’ve found, although it’s not much of one. Any suggestions?

@Christian – I agree with you about Kyle’s advice. It is quite off-base.

I also agree with you that a husband needs help from others overcoming his fantasies. This is one of the main differences between “monitoring” and “accountability” (at least, as far as software is concerned). “Monitoring” is more of a Big Brother mentality or a cop mentality. “Accountability” actually depends on a kind of quality in relationship for it to really be effective. Technology is great, but it needs to be a kind of technology that leans on the power of good relationships, not just place external blockades in the way.

As far as the situation with your wife is concerned, it is difficult to say having very little information about your situation. But there are some common threads I’ve noticed among marriages troubled by this problem. Porn promotes and eroticizes ideals that run in stark contrast to what most Western women want for intimate relationships. Dr. Jill Manning says, “[W]hen a North American woman discovers her spouse is using and viewing pornography secretly, it is not only devastating to her sense of self as a woman, and her sense of trust, but it can threaten the very foundation upon with she has constructed her relational world—not just with her spouse, but the larger world around her.” This can be nothing short of earth-shattering for some women.

These sorts of crises tend to expose—both for the husband and the wife—the very things we have built our security and identity on. This is no small thing. Wives are not only “healing” from the pain, they are in effect rebuilding their relational world from the ground up. It is like grieving a death.

With this is the opportunity to grow our relationships on surer foundation. Just like you’ve likely been learning in your 12-step groups, only a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. That goes for yourself and your wife. My friend Rick Thomas is a Christian counselor (and an author on this blog): he tells a story about a marriage devastated by porn that is really interesting. Give it a read if you have time.

Thanks for stopping by, Christian. Wishing you God’s blessing as you walk through this wilderness.

Christian is very smart. I want to say that I think I like sex just as much or more than any man. I am not masculin so it is not just testosterone. I liked it much more often than my husband did. I don’t know if it would be different if he were actually home enough because he always worked a lot. I tried hard to please him and even did things I was not comfortable with. I beleive sex should be a loving thing that bonds a couple, not thought of as a roller coaster ride or just for physical pleasure. I had a really hard time with my husband looking at porn and he didn’t think of it as such a huge issue as I did.

Look into how to deal with a wife who has been cheated on that is what she is going through. To stay and try to work it out causes insanity and kills self respect. Until she can come to terms with the betrayal Actually everything you have said is perfect. She just needs time to heal. .

Women in the porn industry are not respected by men. Men use them for their own selfish desires. Most men would not want their wives, girlfriends, sisters, or mothers involved so why is it okay to use strangers in that way? What about that obvious but often convienently forgotten idea? Many of these women in porn stars were victims of sexual abuse. They need sexual attention to feel worthwhile. Many of them are scarred. Is it okay to promote this behavior? I also feel that many men watch the kind of porn that makes them feel superior to women. Grabbing there hair and yanking their heads back, choking them with their parts, being rough and rude, and just needing to feel superior. What does that say? I say go play sports or gamble— at least your not using a human being. It’s the men’s self esteem that is having issues when he needs to watch porn of that sort. It’s not normal but enabling a very unhealthy view of gender superiority.

Making wives responsible for their husbands pornography is not a Biblical perspective. That would be like an alcoholic saying his wife is responsible for his drinking. Although there may be other issues in the marriage, each is responsible for their own behavior. Read: Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Charles Townsend.
Your statement perpectuate the lie that others are responsible and actually helps keep the men in denial.

Reading through this string, it seems that, in general, the women’s reaction to Kyle is rather volatile and their responses include personal attacks and the men’s responses are more reasoned and addresses the issues. I wonder why that is.

I wonder if Dr. Kleponis might choose to rephrase his statement that “Sometimes wives can even be a cause of pornography use by their husbands.” To something like “Sometimes wives’ behaviors can be a contributing factor to their husband’s choice to use pornography.” Most likely, the man is experiencing some unfulfilled need (respect, affection, tenderness, sexual release) or woundedness/pain (due to bitterness, coldness, strident, etc,) for which pornography is a “quick fix.” It seems that compassion is in order all the way around.

For those who argue that the wife [‘s behavior] is not A cause of the man’s behavior, I wonder if they would also argue that the man’s behavior is not a cause for the woman being upset and acting out.

I know that is why I dont respect my husband and never really have. He has been viewing porn since we met and I literally have no love for him. It makes me angry for what he has taken from me. I think wives look for validation in their spouse. We are a little vulnerable that way. Maybe Men look for it in themselves. Thats probably how they can get off by pretending someone who is not really there wants them. I would say most men are thoughtless and scum.

So how can they wife being upset by her husband using porn cause him to use porn? Because she had sad eyes. I do agree their wife needs to be the one to help heal their wounds and to heal any of the other reasons a man may go there. But this is why the male sex drive is so strong. It drives him towards his wife to do it. If she refuses she’s cold and I get it. but for the most part men look at porn because it’s it’s new and they can so they don’t have to risk themselves emotionally. It’s very hard when you can’t get connect with the man you love and care about and have devoted your life to making happy. Because he’s off in fantasy land where it’s safe and perfect.

I totally disagree here with Jyle and any if you supporting his barbaric views. I believe my husband was addicted to poem before we met and married but that’s besides the point. I love sex. I have almost always had a higher libido than my husband. I had always “taken care” of myself in that I dressed well, hair and make up done. Made sure I was wearing something sexy to bed, etc. And I did all of that as much for myself as for my husband, because I always feel better about myself when I look as good as I can. I’m no model either. I’ve always been very attentive to my husband and interested in his interests and feelings. Just months after we married I found, by accident, that my husband was looking at porn AND talking sexually with other women on the Internet. It was obvious from conversations I read that they had brought each other to orgasm. That crossed the line for me. I was devastated. After more investigating I found that it had begun just three weeks after we married. Once I confronted my husband and I was able to reality make him see how deeply hurt I was, he stopped Internet porn, etc. Once he stopped the porn, etc., he began having trouble performing in bed. Could it have been guilt? Maybe it played a role. Was it because he was ashamed of what he had done to me? Maybe. But it had nothing, whatsoever, to do with me as a woman or a wife that pushed him to pornography. He admitted himself after much marriage counselling, that porn was the beginning, which then led him to sex talk/performance with other women via webcams and he admitted it may have even taken him to face to face adultery had it continued. It took a very long time and a lot of counselling to get our marriage back on track. My husband had been that addicted to porn, that he needed that and those images in his mind in order to get a hard on in order to perform sex. There is NO place in a marriage for porn and little boys need to be taught that women are to be respected and not looked at as property.

After reading comments to my article, I feel I must clarify my statement. It is true that a wife is never the cause of a husband’s pornography use. He is fully responsible for his actions. However, it is his REACTION to a cold, critical and demanding that may lead a man to seek out pornography.

I disagree 100% with Kyle Hansen. There is never a good reason to use porn. If pornography was healthy for relationships, it would never be a factor in divorce. According to a report from the national association of marriage attorneys, porn plays a significant role in over 50% of all divorces. Kyle’s views of pornography are based mostly on a biological understanding of sexuality. This is very short-sighted. We are more than just physical bodies with hormones. We also have to look at the emotional, moral, and spiritual side of sexuality and relationships. He is essentially saying that women should tolerate porn because a man can’t help himself. This is a very selfish view from the man’s perspective. Also the Kinsey Institute’s research is not the most valid or reliable. I wonder how Kyle’s wife would feel if she knew he was using porn? I suggest that Kyle study the works of Patrick Carnes, Mark Laaser, Stephen Arterburn and Maryanne Layden to gain a better understanding of the harm porn causes.

Yea women go cold after realizing her man is getting off with images of other women usually not before. My husband told me all men do it from a young age they dont just start after marriage. I dont bealive that is true. There are a few good men out there not many but a few. I would say that women get a bad rap for being cold. I would think if men werent so sleazy most marriages wouldnt have many problems.

My experience is that most wives who comment here lament the loss of their sex lives. What their husbands perceive as “coldness” is usually either the wife being unwilling or unable to act like a porn star in the bedroom, or women emotionally shutting down because their husbands are fantasizing about other women. This isn’t a woman being cold; it is a woman being normal. It’s sad when so many women want to have a good sex life with their husbands, but instead their husbands train their brains to love fantasy more than reality.

Unfortunately, you are making the assumption that there is a lack of sex due to the wife’s coldness and lack of desire. While this can happen, there are plenty of women who wish they had more attention from their husbands. It seems to me that when husbands feel neglected, society automatically blames the wife. When a wife feels neglected, society, again, blames the wife. What is wrong with her that her husband doesn’t want her? She be a mess, because it is assumed that all husbands are sex machines. The truth is that pornography changes the whole landscape, because most men really prefer not to put that much effort into making a relationship work. It takes work to care about how others are feeling and then respond to it. 2 dimensional women don’t need anything from you. They don’t expect you to have a conversation about your kid’s latest problem in school or what your mother-in-law said. It’s easy to visit them on your own terms in your own time. A 3-D wife takes a lot more work, but if men put the work in, they would have a much richer, fulfilling life and a happier wife. As the saying goes.

@Luke: Concerning the discovery of a wife (my own) discovering her husband (yours truly) looking at porn: I wholeheartedly agree with your argument that this “finding” can shake a wife’s perception of the marital relationship, and all that it implies. My wife has changed her physical locale twice, to suit my needs; she has endured several other like incidents with this “sickness” (my own term), and each time, it is more world-shattering than the last. I know in my own innocuous (or so I thought) way, I hosted the entire event by my decision to “go look,” so forgiveness is the last thing on my mind at this point. The shame was enough to make me sick to my stomach, when I thought about losing her, about losing our marriage, our friendship, our trust.
This whole incident came hard on the heels of her concession that yes, we should take a vacation together, regardless of situational needs, that we deserve the closeness, and to be together. So as a result of my senseless stupidity, she no longer wants to go on the trip, which we both had looked forward to for quite some time (years). Moreover, she has suggested that either she or myself should leave this relationship, that we should call it quits, for real, for good.
Here is where the sadness begins. Had I listened to my higher self, and resisted the urge (my own, not “my nature’s”), I wouldn’t have even been typing these words. It will take weeks, probably a month, for all this to heal itself. In that time, I have to take the steps to make the change permanent, and ask your prayers for those guidelines.
So to Kyle, and others who believe his dogma, I say “bull.” It’s our fault, guys. Take ownership of your sins, and reconcile yourself to Him.

@Brad… You sound sincere and you’re feelings sound much like my husband’s when he realized he hurt me so deeply and I was ready to end our relationship. I wish you well and sincerely thank you for being so brave as to admit all this here.

After 38 years of marriage I am divorcing my husband. Why? Because of an addiction to porn that then led on to (a lot) of adultery. Having fought and prayed against this ‘demon’ all our married life, my conclusion is that unless a man (or person) is willing to do the emotional work involved at looking at their childhood hurts and issues that cause such addictions, porn WILL lead to adultery. And the road back to trust and respect – and the desire to be with that person, share your life with them – will be snuffed out. My husband is in therapy (at my insistence), however his efforts at ‘sobriety’ and change are window-dressing the deep changes I see in a man who once loved God, preached and taught the Bible; led his own children and many others to the Lord; was respected and loved by many. His focus is now on ‘having fun’; meeting new people (!); and I can no longer compete with women who are twenty and thirty years younger than me. I am now unattractive to him, though he says “I will always have a place in his heart as the wife of his youth and the mother of his children”. Having spent two-thirds of my life with him, I am now off to chart my own course as a woman approaching sixty, needing to find employment and earn enough to live on for the rest of my life. Him? Well, he tells everyone we’ve grown apart and that he has a ‘medical condition’ – addiction.
In spite of your stories of renewed hope on this website, I think it is almost impossible to repair a marriage after the locusts of porn and adultery have swept through. I believe in a miracle-working God, but I also believe there is a time to step away and let people take the consequences of their actions – out of sheer self-preservation.
If you have read this far – I beg you: GET HELP EARLY ON. ADDRESS those childhood wounds, your insecurities, while there is still time.

What do people think about Wondering’s last question? I don’t get it. People say you have to own your own feelings, but clearly they are not independent of other people’s actions. Sure the wife (in Wondering’s example) can be held accountable for choosing to act out (if she does), but how can you detach responsibility from her husband playing a part in affecting her feelings? Likewise, how could you detach responsibility from a bitter wife playing a part in her husband’s feelings? It would be unfair for him to say “your bitterness caused me to use porn to numb my pain”, but is it unfair to say “your bitterness hurt me”? (Whether he adds “and I chose to use porn to numb the pain” is immaterial to the question I’m asking).

@Wondering and Wondering too – One of our other writers, Joe Dallas, said it best, “The wife who is inattentive, indifferent or downright abusive is responsible for her sins, not his. No woman, no matter how odious, makes her man commit adultery”—or in this case, look at pornography—”so if a wife sins, let her account. But let her account for her sins alone. That’s a fairly big if, though, considering the many women who’ve shown more than reasonable affection and concern for their spouses who cheated nonetheless.” I agree. Both husbands and wives are to blame for the way they treat one another, but neither is to blame for the sinful reactions of the other. It is irresponsible for a man to say, “You drove me to look at porn.” The men who do this are acting childish and petty. However, a wife also needs to account for the way she has hurt her husband, regardless of how he might be justifying his decisions using her behavior.

I am sitting here right now the wife of a minsiter who is in siminary works in the church sings in the chior works wiith youth and once again I am dealing with porn in the house. He has lost a job because of it lost one because of inappropriate conversations looked at it even after we have been intimate each time he has minimized it now we have been in counseling about it but this last time once again I am the one being disrespcted when now I have teen porn on my computer and chat lines once again I am being told that he went to this one but not that one and worst of all I have a daughter who will be a teen soon. God help him. I can’t .but what it really comes down to is what I told him. I must protect my house. No there is no way of me knowing what was a pop up and what he went to but it does not matter I am tired of this isssue tearing a part my home. He is not only making a mockery out of our marriage but most sad is the mockery he is making out of ministry. When he justifies this over an over again even cursing me out about it.

It is very sad when ministers of the gospel are trapped in this sin. I know: I used to be in the same boat.

I helped to compile an e-book for ministers in this position a while back. It is called, Internet Pornography: A Ministry Leader’s Handbook. I would recommend your husband read this, but it sounds like he’s not even willing to get any help at this point.

He does need to come to terms with his sin. Do you have a support network of people around you who can help counsel you about next steps you need to take?

Dr. Kleponis is right. Dr. Kyle is wrong. I have lost respect for my husband, and I get embarrassed around him having discovered the disgusting things this “regular” guy looks at and does in secret -he views hard core (disgusting) porn, that involves girls that look between the ages of 15-19 -though my hopes are they are over 18, I don’t want to be married to a criminal, God help me!

Are some of these girls drug-addicted or abused victims? I am socially conscious and hate any exploitation of vulnerable women. The fact that my husband views videos that contain women who might be deeply disturbed and need help -not exploitation- makes me loose respect for him as a good man, as a protector of the innocent.

The woman’s image in the photo on this Website is pure, holy, and in her sadness their is beauty. But when your mind is degenerate, as your heart is blackened by perversion, you only see pornographic sexuality and imagine her doing heinous sexual acts. To be a pervert is to “interpret incorrectly; misconstrue or distort” reality to a debase view or image.

A good man is has a protective instinct, to protect and defend women and children, who are physically weaker (and emotionally more delicate) than men. Instead, they do not see young women as needing protecting, but as sex objects.

I am young, fit, and not intimidated by breast implants or women younger than me. Instead, Dr. Klenopis hit it on the nail when speaking about trust violation and loss of respect.

Thankyou- though I am an older wife, I get plenty of compliments and am definitely not intimidated by the false images I see- it doesn’t matter – if partner is addicted to pornography it’s irrelevant .

I have just recently discovered my husbands porn addiction. He says that he looks it up just to see what kind of crazy things he can find, or out of boredom. I. Have found myself in a tough position being that my husband is away slot in the military. We have been dealing with this issue for years now and it has completely ruined my trust and respect for him. How do you ever get over their actions? How do you let them sleep in bed beside you? I am completely disgusted and feel very betrayed. I am a mother of five and fit back in my size 3s. I feel I am a very beautiful woman, so why is he doing this to me?

One thing to remember is that men who use porn train themselves to get turned on by the variety of women, not necessarily their physical beauty. Remember the whole Tiger Woods scandal? He had a supermodel wife, and he still had an affair. This does not justify your husband’s continued use of porn – but it’s a reminder that it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with your appearance.

If you haven’t already, you should read our two free e-books written specifically for wives in your situation. The first is Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives. It will help dispel the myths of porn use and give you practical steps. You may want to consider having your husband read it as well…some husbands have told us that they had no idea how their wives felt about porn use until they read the e-book.

The other e-book is Hope After Porn. It contains the stories of four women whose marriages were saved after nearly being destroyed by porn use.

I thought this article was good until I reached the sentence that a wife can be the CAUSE of her husband’s use of pornography? Really!
pornography is a CHOICE. I am very glad I attend a church that speaks to this sin. (In a very compassionate way)

I am struggling to recover from the deep wounding of the use of pornography by my husband and I take absolutely no responsibility in his bad choices.
I take responsibility for things that I do that are wrong.

It would be good to know what the Dr. Kleponis was thinking when he said “cause.” In one sense, nearly everything is a cause of something else. Of course a wife’s actions can impact how a man feels about himself, about his marriage, and about sex. In another sense, saying “cause” sounds like one is removing moral responsibility from the man, as if he is just a victim of his wife’s attitudes. If he merely means that cold and heartless wives often make pornography more alluring to a man because he is yearning for something that looks like sexual affection, that’s one thing. Many things (not just a wife) can make a man feel deprived in this world. But a man who loves porn is not merely a victim of his surroundings.

Judging from the rest of the article, I’m not inclined to think that Dr. Kleponis thinks men are merely victims, so he is probably thinking “cause” in the broadest possible sense. But I agree with you, maryJean: a better word could have been chosen here.

Just wondering if any of these men were driven to porn as a way of getting stimulation from a source safer and less damaging to the marriage than there wife was getting from affairs with real people. I began watching porn to find out what I was doing wrong to drive my now EX wife to have affairs. I admit I became addicted and it has affected my libido but hey its free and no different to reading a love story and expecting your partner to be as good as the caractors depicted.

I fail to see your point. Your wife fantasized about another man and it led to an affair (which I’m terribly sorry to hear about). You fantasize to images of women and now expect real women to live up to something only possible with clever film editing and scripting. Neither of these scenarios sound like the ideal.

I caught my husband two months ago fantasizing on porn then I started asking him questions why?and he told me that he only watching the porn while he was away working for a month,i was so upset and hurt especially our 30th anniversary is coming up and he thought that it was ok to use porn and it’s not cheating so i explained to him that to me it is cheating so he came home for 3 days and said sorry to me and that he understand how i felt about it,i told him that he doesnt need to look at the porn to masturbate he got his hands and just think of me and yes willing to gave up his laptop,iPhone,and nomore Internet he take his old phone instead for him to ring me every second day,and he said he doesn’t want to loose me,yes i agree to one of the comment here “it all depends how much you love your wife,goodluck to all!

I just wanted to leave a comment for you, Euly. I am happy that your husband has been willing to give up electrical devices in order to stay away from pornographic sites, etc. I also wanted to mention that promoting the idea of self-stimulation (masturbation) to your husband is also something harmful. It takes away from the one-ness that you can have in a special/spiritual, physical relationship with your spouse. Although, he may be thinking of you while he does it, it is still JUST him with himSELF…making it a SELFish…SELF-gratifying act. I hope these words help and that you don’t find them offensive.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together a total of 12 years. Every 4 months for the last 2 1/2 years I find out most times have been accidental that he has been looking at porn. We have huge fights that last days and he promises not to do it anymore but then after a month he does and lies about it when I ask and the cycle starts over. He has said that he has always had an issue with it and that I just happened to find out about it. It affects my self worth more than he can understand. When we are intimate I don’t feel like I satisfy him at all, one of the times I found him watching it was about 10 minutes after we were intimate. Lately he has had issues with becoming aroused by me or staying aroused while we are being intimate. I am at a loss for what to do. After our last big fight he said he would tell me if he had the temptation so I could help him but he wt and if I ask he lies to my face about it. I am at a loss for what to do. We have always said that divorce is not an option especially since we have 3 young children, but I don’t know how’s my times I can be hurt like this. For those wondering we are intimate at least once a week. He has said that he looks once or twice a week bit I’m pretty sure it is more.

Dear Victoria, rigth now I’m in tears and I feel exactly like you, I’m so lost! I love my husband so much and he could not live without me, but I’m getting to the limit. I’ve never thought intimacy could affect so much our relationship. I feel rejected in our intimacy, he does not have affections for me as he used to it, especially in bed. I tried my best to be hot for him at all times. He does care when I talk to him, but later he goes back to his routing again, his mind is somewhere else and as you said he gets horny in its own rigth next to me on our bed in his sleep, I’m really feeling feed up of this situation. Someone help Please! Victoria I have my sympathy for you and all about this is our feelings as a women and wives, I feel embarrased to talk to friends for an advice, my husband is a good man but with a really nasty habit.

this morning I had to get up at 5;30 cause I was having a yard sale well right when I get up my husband decides to come to bed and wants to do it I tell him I cant cause Dina is already waiting fore me. He’s been up all night watching porn I know it.You can be 20 mins late No I cant So I leave and I decide to come back home in 3 hrs. to do it with him I said I got 2 hrs. to stay home lets go to bed He tells me no he’s got to go to the bank has no time I ask a few more times no go to go to the bank So I go on back to there yard sale 2 hrs. pass we pack up I go home he’s still there when I walk in the door he’s got his pants down and watching his porn. I say you cant do it with me cause you got to go to the bank But you can do it with them don’t have to go to the bank for them. why do you want to make love with me only after you watch those girls first? Is that the only way you get turned on to make it with me I feel so rejected all the7 time he’s got to watch them first I feel ugly in his eyes but I’m not pretty like they are but I have a nice body I cant compete with the porn I need to put my foot down and let him go this has been going on for 3 yrs. now IM hurt betrayed and feel cheated on believe me he’s done more then just that to me worse then that

By the way, porn rewires the brain so that it is only turned on by more porn. That’s why he turns to porn first; he’s training his brain such that you, as only one woman, can’t possibly provide the variety he now needs. You can read more about that here.

I am a Christian, struggling with porn. My wife has discovered this, and has been terribly hurt. Can some tell me when and why, in th Bible, that it became a sin to have more than one wife? It seems that many problems with porn would not exist if a man had wives (plural) as David did.

Interesting question. There are no passages in the Bible that condemn polygamy outright. This is good because many cultures, especially ancient cultures, practice polygamy, and Christianity can enter those cultures and not break up established families.

However, the New Testament mandates that elders and deacons in churches should be “the husband of one wife” (Titus 1:6; 1 Timothy 3:2,12). This would mean that polygamous men would never be allowed leadership positions in the church, and over time the church culture would be impacted, thus weeding out the practice of polygamy over time. This has been the trend in all cultures where Christianity established an influence.

Also, keep in mind the two great models for marriage we see in the Bible. The first is Adam and Eve, established as a paradigm of marriages (one man and one woman). The second is Christ and the Church, a divine marriage that establishes the same monogamous pattern.

I think when you take these observations in as a whole, we could say God does not condemn polygamy, but he endorses a model of marriage that is non-polygamous. For the person striving to be like Christ in all regards, polygamy is an unwise option.

But to get to the heart of your comment, I disagree with your premise entirely. Having more than one wife may satisfy some desire you have for “variety” in your sex life, but Internet pornography will always come with more variety. Marital sexuality may satisfy your sex drive, but even the best intimacy in marriage will never satisfy your “sin drive.” That is the nature of sin: it always covets what it cannot have. You might feel “one more wife” would help, but this will not slake your lust for other women.

Adding to this, I believe it is important to recognize (for any Christian) what idols in our hearts drive our deepest desires. God knew the kings of Israel would want to acquire many wives, but he commanded the kings, “And he shall not acquire many wives for himself, lest his heart turn away” (Deuteronomy 17:17). Notice God’s reasoning: acquiring many wives only turns a man’s heart in the wrong direction.

This is a no brainer only one Eve was taken out of adam. It is as wrong as homosexuality. Women arent created to be one of many. It would probably hurt her feeling you cold man. And as far as David is concerned his family was messed up because of this. One kid rapeing another kid and than one kid killing another because of it. And Solomon he ended up with a temple in Jerusalem that burned human sacrafice to please one of his many wives. He should have just stuck with one good one. You need to read your bible dude. And try to understand it. Also the lineage of Seth no multiple wives are mentioned. The lineage of Cain not the first polygamist a murder. All I can say is your poor poor wife haveing to put up with your ignorant self.

With compassion for the wives in pain here, it might help to point out that some of the reasoning borders on the ‘hysterical’ with regard to men admiring, observing female nudity.

Kyle Hansen makes some excellent points. Note also that the world is not the same as it was 50 years ago. Women’s role has expanded to what can now be called, ‘Today’s woman’. This woman is not familiar for ex, past cultures in Europe, where a mistress might be invited to the dinner table with wife present. This is shocking to our culture, but what needs to be contrasted with that day and age is women are a much more demanding group, with instructions about every conceivable thing in the marriage..formerly the domain of the husband. Women have lost their role of primarily raising the children, and being homemakers.

Many men like class with regard to nudity…so they may favor Vintage erotica, with artul nudes of bl/white photography for ex. Fact : Men masturbate. And so do most women.. It is considered a healthy behavior by the medical community fwiw.

A strange irony is that 50 years ago, there were more attractions in cities luring customers like Burlesque shows. Technology has changed things, so that most men need not visit such places or be out. In that light, for a wife to be disgusted because her husband viewed erotica on his laptop – is rather hard to believe.

Guilt linked with prurient interest dates back to Puritan doctrines in this country, and still appeals to society today. For wives to be ‘devastated’ just makes no sense to me at all.. Educating oneself, would help in such an emotional state. Not to mention, one day, even participating with your spouse, to spark the mariage in a creative way would be wise. It’s simply unfair to expect any man to perform in sex with the same women, days leading to month after month….into years, without some help or stimulus.

As his wife, that should be a primary interest alongside him -rather than shaming him, or shutting him out of the marriage.

Guilt linked to prurient interest dates back much farther than the Puritans.

Not sure what is “unfair” about asking a man, who said that he would “forsake all others,” to actually forsake those others. You’re arguing that it is only because of modern American sentimentalism that women are “devastated” about their husband using porn. Regardless of our own cultural proclivities, the desire for true monogamy is something that predates and transcends American culture.

In a marriage, ‘forsaking all others’ is a beautiful and compelling notion. Romantic also. But for most men, it will tend to make life difficult…if he stumbles upon phenomenal photos of Heidi Klum wearing lingerie on the internet, and his concious is racked with guilt because he checked them out ? I don’t get it. Not to mention, that libido is not the simplest thing to occur in a human, but requires work. It’s possible erotica can serve couples if they’re open minded enough to experience it without fear and guilt.

Btw, if you take the word aphrodisiac, you find it is derived from the Greek, who also worshipped Dionysus many centuries ago. There were festivals in his honor and such. No internet at all. Not that the world needs to worship these cultures, but to realize that they took it seriously.

I completely agree that monogamy is difficult when you your very nature desires to look at other women. No disagreement there. I suppose since I’m coming from a Christians perspective (as is the author of this post), this is less problematic. We desire to sin and need God’s transforming power to be different people.

I also agree that sexual sin has been around for ages: the Internet has only made it more commercial and industrial.

You will never overcome the fantasies because human nature, its a choice to look at pornography, its a choice to cheat and its a choice to love,

Kyle is right the general state of humans through history is not monogyny, and it is even not know. It is the desired state for children in this age and a farness to woman so the load is shared evenly.

No one makes anyone look at pornography other than its ease of availability on the net. Its a self indulgent, selfish act. it would be better that this self indulgence had another voice. Its not the act itself that is wrong, but the implications on others paired with you.

I love to debate opinions but not over the web but I’ll make an exception. I have struggled with sexual immorality in many ways since I was 6 years old and I’m now 33. Porn does nothing but DESTROY everything GOD created between husband and wife. I don’t care how many degrees one has or how smart they may be because if they know GOD they’d know that TRUE marriage is an inseparable covenant between ONE MAN and ONE WOMAN. And if they’re holding to that covenant then PORN has no room in the marriage to begin with. And to that I also add that Jesus states in Matthew 5:27-30 (“You have heard that it was said ‘do not commit adultery’ but I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to desire her (lustfully) has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If you’re right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away; it is better to lose one of your members than to have your whole body thrown into hell. If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better to lose one of your members than to have your whole body go into hell.”) It’s up to you to finish reading that out whether in context or out. It still carries the same meaning when he says lust in the heart (or mind.) Lust is lust regardless. Now with that being said I still struggle daily with PORN so don’t tell me or any addict at that, that PORN is not damaging. I have Covenant Eyes on all my devices and yes it does help but it’s not the “END ALL” answer to an addicts problem because temptations are awaiting us daily everywhere we go. Billboards, commercials, immodest dressed women are still out there doing what they do best PROMOTING THEMSELVES!!! It’s up to us men to take hold of our THOUGHTS and CHOICES. Lust may have been persuaded, tempted and taunted but never forced on us. We cannot dodge life or live life carelessly because we CHOOSE to be powerless with our mind, eyes and most importantly our extremities /genitals. Find your victory and take hold of it and I’m not saying this hypocritically because I’m sick and tired myself of the struggle of not being able to look where I CHOOSE and not being condemned to the prison cell of LUST. I chose to use the word LUST because that’s just what the struggle is, not porn or women or anything sexually addictive. They are just symptoms of the problem. I hope my view could be of some help to those who WANT help instead of quarrelsome web conversations that are purely useless and of no value.
Godly Disciple

Let me clarify myself, at the conclusion of my earlier response I stated that quarrelsome web conversations are useless and of no value. I was implying that to those that live just to argue their personal opinions when they have no concern to help the hurting. Those are the useless and of no value conversations I’m referring to.
Godly Disciple

My partner is a hardcore porn user he sneaks the tablet to the toilet every morning making sure he’s light on his feet so he doesn’t wake me every shower is 25 to 35 minutes long everyday with his tablet, he gets angry if our child plays games on his tablet and runs the battery low because this means he won’t get his full porn use he’s a pro deletes all history. before it wasn’t so bad because we had no internet and I thought oh well all men do it but now we have Internet it’s so bad it’s like the only thing he looks forward to during the day I wish I should of stopped it from the start I know I’ve hurt his feelings and haven’t been the surported partner in the past I guess I blame myself for his use I just didn’t see this coming, he has mood swings but goes back to his normal self after his fix in the toilet he’s unsociable doesn’t like to go out to places and will stay home by himself I blame myself because I allowed him to do it I’m that kind of person who let’s people get their way to keep things happy now I’m at this point where I’m emotionally damaged my physical being is somewhat lost I don’t even recognise myself this isn’t me I’ve shut down so much I never thought I could sink so low I don’t communicate somewhat of a mute looking person with no expressions I guess I’m what you will call depressed. he says he only uses because I don’t give him enough sex which is why he uses like I’m meant to please him I don’t think so I refuse to please him because he’s a selfish prick he has never once been intimate with me to show me affection it’s more of an act and his needs which is why I refuse I think our relationship is a lie he says he loves me we have two kids together. I have no hope for us no love and respect for him just acknologement that he is the father of my kids, he’s trying now to go out on dates just us he has a few surprises install for me so he says truth is I don’t trust him with me with my feelings my heart or love because there is none left for him but resentment I’m only 25 and already feel life less

This just shows the maddening cycle of this habit. He watched porn from a young age (probably) and then gets into a relationship hoping his partner will meet all his porn-created fantasies. Even if she is willing and eager to have sex, real sex doesn’t measure up because his partner isn’t as clickable and customizable as online women are. He withdraws into porn to get his fix. She finds out and feels less attractive or desirable, so she emotionally withdraws. He senses the withdraw and escapes into more porn, blaming her for not giving enough sex. She is even more hurt, withdraws more, and he keeps going back to the porn.

Men like this need someone to slap them upside the head (metaphorically speaking). Someone need to get in their face and say, “Be a man! Is this the kind of man you want to be? Do you want to be the kind of guy who runs off to the bathroom in the morning to jerk off in front of a screen? When you were younger did you want to become the kind of man who can’t romance a woman? Who can’t pleasure a woman? Who has become so emotionally impotent that you can’t pursue the affections of a real woman because you’re too busy blaming her for your fascination with porn? Grow up, man.”

There is help available for men who feel like they are addicted, but these men need to take the initiative. They need to say: This is not the kind of man I want to be, and I will do whatever it takes to stop this nasty habit. I want to love one woman well. I want to be a great lover, friend, spouse, and a respectable man.

It may be written in Mathew, but the analogy of cutting a limb off to protect the rest of oneself seems strict and judgemental from one who said, ‘..Judge not, lest ye be judged.’ Christ often called upon people to ‘love one another’. Some things in life are trickier than others. Did God gave us physical bodies to associate with misery and shame only, when looking upon another, to be guilt ridden at all times ?

Each situation is different. Take a different example…if you had an attractive wife, who enjoyed sports with great interest. She went to games, found athletes appealing, and one day has a fling with one of them. …It’s a question of degree. If she’s still a wonderful wife, then there are mitigating factors. If however, she desires to be with the athlete more often, then things are vastly different.

You make it seem one-sided, but if you bother to check porn usage by gender this is misleading. Women view porn also, maybe not as much, but they do. As for porn and marriage – my advice is before you blame the porn viewer, accuse him/her of being an addict, etc. ask yourself honestly is there something you are not doing that you could and should be so that your partner does not feel the need to view porn? And at end of the day it is entertainment. Just because I watch Star Wars let’s say does not mean I want to become Darth Vader. Just because I view porn (hypothetically) does not mean I want to cheat.

Ya know i have a problem with this in the fact that it give an opinionated veiw of what wife’s think , and suggests that a man looking at porn somehow violates his marriage vows yet her lack of interest in sex does not.women now run billion dollar corporations yet we have to soft shoe around the topic of sex with them. porn just like anything can be addictive to the addict int the way that some people smoke socially and some cant stop.in some cases in might destroy a marriage in some it might save it. all hetero sexual men look at women objectively cant help it its in us from the dawn of time.but are wifes like are mothers are so much more they encompass our life’s our hopes our dreams the whole ball of wax.we would love for them to desire sex as much as we do but something happens after time commitment ,kids what ever it may be.so when they loose there drive what are we gonna do go cheat hire someone. no ya flip on the computer pop off a quicky,and go about your life.of course its better for ya not to do it at all but come on.you cant make men feel guilty for doing something that comes natural,its that guilt that makes them lie and makes women think that men are different than they really are. told my wife i spanked it now she helps from time to time all is good.i explain why i need to look at somthing because men are external sexually and need visual aid she got it.

I couldn’t disagree with you more, dc. You are justifying something that is harmful to you and your marriage by comparing it to something that is worse (actually sleeping around). Drinking less poison doesn’t make a man admirable.

I am a wife, fighting for my husband, whose life has been severely affected by this addiction. I don’t need to get caught up in argument on the ramifications of pornography, because I live it every day. If you are a Christian and do not believe that lust is being unfaithful, then you need to read your New Testament again. Our Savior was quite clear on this. However, I also have educated myself to the nature of the addiction itself and am working with my husband to free him of this. He wants to be free of it, that is the key. If you are the wife of an addict, please go to my blog: http://patienceofhope.blogspot.com/.

Nice blog; lively interaction. Christ’s command against lust brings a whole new perspective to the matter. May God help us who desire to marry to find partners who will assist us to be faithful. As to those who make issues with the assertion that wives can actually drive their husband to pornography, i say: what you don’t know, you don’t know.

I am a Christian woman and have been married to my husband for three years. We were married for a month when I found out that my husband was viewing pornography. I was devastated, hurt, broken, felt betrayed, and unattractive. He apologized and promised he would not do it again, I forgave him but found him viewing it again a few months after that. After that he became really good at hiding it. I forgave him again but found him viewing pornography again when I was eight months pregnant. I threatened to leave him and that’s when he started getting some help from church. Anyways he claims not to be viewing porn anymore and I have noticed that since he stopped viewing porn his desire to be intimate with me has decreased greatly. I feel so broken, that I do not know how to heal from this. I know in my heart that I have forgiven him but every now and then I bring up the whole porn thing and he tells me that I should not bring it up anymore if I have forgiven him. He acts like it is no big deal and that I should be okay since I have forgiven him. Does anyone know of any good Christian books or a Christian Counsellor that can help me? I am really struggling with healing from the hurt and pain and betrayal and as a result it is really hurting our marriage.

First of all, this is what you can tell your husband: “I have forgiven you, yes. But I do not trust you. They are very different things. Forgiveness is something given freely, but trust is something earned. The reason I bring this up is not because I haven’t forgiven you, but because I desperately want us both to do our part to rebuild our relationship based on trust.”

Thank you so much for these articles. It gives me hope. It is nice to have a source, other than the downer non understanding wife, to give to my husband. I hope he takes it all to heart and actually tries to stop. It’s so readily available and so many do it that he hasn’t understood why it is a problem for me. God Bless

I just read this article. I found out that my husband was watching porn two years ago. He told me it had been going on since before we were married. We have four kids and I am not sure that I can stay with him. The overwhelming feeling of not measuring up is still as strong as it was when I found out. I thought things would be better by now, but the mistrust and terrible view of self outweighs any good that’s been accomplished.

Oh Michele, I’m so sorry. I’m wondering what kinds of conversations you’ve had with him since finding out? Has he been working on recovery for himself? Have you gotten any help or support for yourself? The pain and loss are REAL, when you go through this, and healing takes time, even under the best of circumstances.

I think you CAN recover your marriage, and I think it CAN be better than it ever was before–but it takes a lot of hard, hard work and support, I think.

Some of the comments on here is the reason most women feel disgusted. It’s all about what the MAN wants. There are two people in a relationship. Men are not the only ones that find sex enjoyable. But please, for some women this is infidelity. Porn leads to other forms of infidelity. Just because he wants more. So what if he masturbates without porn or another image of a woman. Media today has shown the world what they feel most women should look like to be beautiful. What B.S.! Then maybe the men need to be judged the same way women are. Only by their looks. How many men out there would stand up to that type of judgment? Based on looks alone. Come on men use your brains. Women can have a good soul, a good heart, but not perfect body and she is bypassed because men have it in their head that a woman should be a size 6 or less to be beautiful.

honestly for a lot of you I don’t think the porn is the cause of the problem , I watch porn all the time but I tell you now that I would much rather have sex with my gf any day than watch porn , porn is good for when your wife is too tried or away or for whatever reason not in the mood , women shouldn’t take it too much to heart that guys watch porn , because no matter how good the porn might be we know that we are still just holding a dick in our hand lol :) , if your husband would rather watch porn that have sex with you than im pretty sure porn is not the problem but something else , if I was watching porn and m gf came in and said she was in the mood I would snatch my ass out of that chair so fast and run my ass into the bedroom.

Honesty is always the best policy… if you have any problems be totally honest – yes it may not fix solutions but it nevertheless lets everyone know exactly where you are at.

My wife has pituitary cancer as a child and as a result she couldn’t have children let alone be intimate – she never sexually developed having no interest at all in sex – let alone physical ability. She had enormous problems and I felt overwhelming compassion for her and in my caring for her i fell in love with her and we got married.

Marriage felt for years the worst and best choice of my life because unable to have sex well what can you do? The church condemns sex and even the Pentecostals take the line that lusting after a woman is eternal damnation; but in the end I realised I had no option so I turned to pornography.

Contrary to all the religious groups – wow i didnt become a sex maniac but I did become addicted and i was entirely honest to my wife who was completely understanding. We realise we don’t live in a perfect world; and maybe thats why we’ve been together now 28 years – because we’ve been honest.
Half my “Christian friends” who’ve been banging the whole sex is only for marriage and he who looks at porn is cheating – well they’re all divorced and seperated and more so good luck with that.

Myself I don’t believe the bible literally – because the sheer lack of evidence – and all the other BS the church preaches – interesting that the churches today are so moraly apt and yet they have the worlds worst record now of child abuse and seperation. Christian divorce rate is now 65% – regardless of all the crap they go on about – hell I just have to count all the people I know who are still preaching but living a life of utter hypocrisy.

In the end – everyone’s the same..
Who knows! If the truth is hid it’s hid from those who are lost – so what help is there for any of us – Google alone has proven that 88% of men look at porn and the Christians – well they love to preach rhetoric but end of the day; porn didnt even exist 200 years ago so who are we kidding?

The Church is irrelevant today – it’s lost touch with reality and I think it’s time groups like you Covenant Eyes start getting your own house in order before you start judging people for looking at porn.

Honesty – thats what the world needs now – not “Make believe” – all the rhetoric sounds great in an ideal world – but this is not a perfect world. Whatever the real truth is – I’m afraid you guys just don’t have it.

This article started out good. But it didn’t help me know how to get past feeling ugly. I’m 33 years old, have four kids, and breastfeeding definitely took a major toll on my appearance. I just don’t know how I will ever think I’m acceptable to him after knowing he’s been lusting after breasts and bodies like that. I’m just so sad.

Pornography skits are not usually written around a fairytale, where there is a wishull meeting, followed by mutual respect. The images and dialog often seem to encompass verbal and sometimes physical abuse, rough sex and demeaning name calling. A healthy woman often desires more of a “Prince Charming,” of whom does not engage in such low emotional intelligence muse. Some porn watching husbands will want the wives to role play what they saw on some smut flick. “Lemme” pull your hair and call you profanity is not usually the way into a healthy woman’s heart. Addiction is created often by easy adrenaline rushes. The images are often combined in a manner that creates the person to carry a similiar stupor of demeanor of which many crack, gambling and other addicts dsplay with distracted dialated eyes, always on a jones for a rush. Basically, it can make you freak. Next we see some of these guys trying to get off on a 20lb ham plugged into 220 volts. The wives come in complaining because they can’t have children as some porn addicted husbands cannot produce children the old fashioned way. They desensitized themselves so much they created impotence. If your man says he has to vew porn because his private parts require more consoling attention than his colicky 2 month old baby, it may be time to move on away from the Zero. Some men permit sexual codependence to ruin lives. “Some guys do get so hooked on a certain amount of pressure during masturbation or the stimulation of porn that they can’t perform with a partner, says Ian Kerner, PhD.” Find out if anxiety is causing your man to watch porn.

As a single lady who recently called off an engagement because of frequent porn use, I just want to say that I’m really scared right now. Have never really given much thought to effects of porn until the incidence that occured in my life recently. I really don’t want to go through this in my marriage. Don’t know how I’ll survive it. Statistics is really scary. Plus my case is a bit complicated. Will keep praying for a miracle.

Well, first of all, congratulations on making what had to be a very difficult decision to break off your engagement. That to me indicates that you’re going to be wise in future relationships as well! You already know what healthy boundaries mean for you, and you’re not afraid to take a stand. As painful as this is right now, I think it is just fabulous that you’re able to see the truth and live in it.

Here’s a little ebook, Porn and Your Boyfriend, I put together recently that includes a bunch of conversation-starters you can use in dating, so you can understand where your boyfriend stands when it comes to taking responsibility for himself.

Because I think that really is the key: he has to be responsible for himself. The stats are intimidating, for sure. Almost nobody is porn-free these days. But there’s a huge difference between someone who’s got a plan for dealing with it, and actually employs that plan, and someone who’s just engulfed in the porn wave and going under.

Emotional trustworthiness is an enormous giveaway as well. The person who can turn toward you emotionally and cares how you feel is in a very different place from the person who doesn’t notice how you feel, tells you to stop feeling that way, and blames you for how they feel and the bad choices they make.

Those are two big things I’d be looking for: Is he able to take resonsibility for himself (and that includes, does he have a job, does he take care of himself physically, etc–those are all components of personal responsibility), and is he able to connect with you emotionally and care about you, not just expect you to care about him?

I have no doubt that porn is a probably a bad thing if a man looks at it too much as he will have less physical desire for his wife.

However, I suspect that a large number of husbands look at porn because their wives either refuse to have sex with them or rarely have sex with them. What is the man to do if his wife decides for apparently arbitrary reasons to have far less sex with her husband than she used to do? What if the wife isn’t working and they have no kids, so she cannot legitimately say that she’s too busy taking care of the family? I think that a lot of men in this situation do turn to porn because they have physical needs that their wives aren’t fulfilling. So I really do think that the wives are to blame for their husbands’ viewing of porn in some situations.

When there’s a significant change in the relationship and when one or both of the partners isn’t satisfied with how things are going, that’s a time to dig in and do some work on what’s really wrong. Turning to porn for sexual satisfaction is NOT a solution; in fact, it just makes whatever is wrong exponentially worse. When either partner makes that choice, it is not a good choice for the relationship. And, it’s never the other person’s fault; it is a bad choice that one person is making.

The real solution would be to work on the marriage. The best marriage resources available in the world are from Dr. John Gottman. A good starting point is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. That book is based on the very best research on what makes a marriage successful and long-lasting. Spoiler alert: porn is NOT part of the picture. In fact, Dr. Gottman just came out with a strong statement against porn use in marriage.

So, if you really want to make it work, that’s where to look. Porn won’t do it for you. Never, no way, no how.

Okay….most men watch porn, men are visual, men watch it to masturbate, watching porn is a tool for masterbation. So the act of watching porn is a means to an end. Now, men masterbate because they have a drive to, much like women have parallel drives. Men don’t wish they were with the women in the videos, they are just fulfilling a natural need. Some women misinterpret this act as a man watching and wanting to be with other women. It is the farthest from the truth. Even if a man has sex with their wife regularly a man will masterbate with or without porn. Think of it as cutting a steak with out a steak knife. You can do it with a butter knife but it’s easy and fast with a steak knife. Women masterbate to, they just are lucky they can do it without visual assistance. If men only knew what women fastisized about this would be a different conversation. You women fastisized about other men etc. Most of these feeling come from within, feelings of insecurity can be brought out due to porn, but they are there and will rise to the Surface regardless. This may be why a man turns to masterbation more and thus to viewing porn. Remember it is a tool to an end result. Men are ultimately attracted to confidence. If a women looses her confidence or shows it a man becomes less interested. It also works both ways. The worst thing a women can do is continually spy on her husband and make him shameful of fulfilling a need. He will start to repress his sexual desire/drive and when this happens he will not watch porn and most damaging have sex with you less and less. Ultimately he is exercising his sexual desire. I guarantee a man will not tell a women to not masterbate because we understand its purpose. Just understand viewing porn is nothing but a tool.

Mike, I’m not clear on the point you’re trying to make in light of this article. Are you trying to tell wives to just accept the fact their husband is going to watch porn because he has “a need?” Before I comment more, please let me know if this is what you’re trying to say. I want to be sure I understand correctly before commenting further. Thank you.

I agree with Mike. As a man, I have the exponentially higher sex drive than my wife. We’ve been married for almost 15 years. We are in the throes of mid-life right now. Having an orgasm feels great. It feels like a ton of bricks have been removed from my crotch every time I jack it. We used to have very passionate sex when we were dating and the first few years of our marriage. We are both Christians. She was my first and only sexual partner. I was notch 3 on her belt. You better believe that, within the past two years, I have started to make this an issue on our marriage. It took years off my life. I could go into details on the struggles I’ve been through but let me say this: only until recently have I agreed to keep my masturbation schedule a secret from my wife. Do I enjoy having sex with her more? Of course. But only if she is a willing participant. This “womanly/wifely duty” to take care of her husbands needs is a crock of crap. Any husband who is honest and genuine does not want to be on top of their wife who is laying there like a dead fish waiting for her “duty” to be over. I’d rather masturbate. This recent occasion was the last time I approach her saying I need to release some tension. It’s much quicker to jack it than it is to feel like a rapist while your wife “takes it like a woman”. I’m tired of feeling guilty about myself for jacking off and (frequently) viewing porn. Why do you think so many men in history had concubines and mistresses? I’m not condoning these men’s actions. What I’m saying is that they could have kept their marriage vows and masturbated instead of trying to have all these women available for when they needed a “release”. I’m sorry as this counters the purpose of this article but I’m speaking from a Christ-follower’s perspective. I’m not about to sit back while I’m in my 30s and wait for my wife to be in just the right mood for me to meet a physical need of mine. I’ve felt guilty for long enough.

Hi Paul, it sounds like you’ve wrestled a while with these behaviors. I can’t possibly fully understand your situation through a computer screen, but I would like to offer just a few ideas.

First, what if more of us dismissed the lie that we are sexual beings, and instead, believed that we were spiritual beings? A great gift you can give to your wife as the Christian leader in the home is to be fully engaged with Christ and to let your actions show them that you are hopelessly in love with Jesus, intimate with Him, even in the midst of a lack of intimacy with her. See, our behaviors give us away almost every time. Do you truly believe that Jesus is the Lord of your life? Including your sexual drive? If so, behavior will follow. If not, then the underlying belief that sex is ultimate will play out in your behaviors to masturbate and watch porn. We were created to worship. What we choose to put in the throne of worship is our choice.

Second, what if that same sexual energy was directed elsewhere? It’s not something to be suppressed, but rather USED either in service to God through the God-designed act of sexual intimacy with your wife, OR in some other Kingdom-building manner. Even Paul recognized the fact that sometimes it does no good just to suppress urges. He suggested a redirection. In Ephesians 4:28, “28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.” It’s just coincidental that the verse deals with using our hands :) So, a question for you would be, how can you redirect?

The cross of Christ is not powerless against your struggle. It contemplated it and conquered it long ago. Can you live into that truth? That’s really up to you. Not out of shame or guilt, but out of confidence and a joyful acceptance that “in this world we will have trouble, BUT Christ has overcome the world” and He did it for you!

I disagree that part that women “need” to learn how to trust and forgive the man. Gag. Women “need” to file divorce papers. That’s what women “need.” Was this written by a man? What about the mans responsibility in all this? What do the men “need” to do? How about zipping thier pants up and quit fantasizing about some naked girl three times less your age who probably wouldn’t even touch you with a ten foot poll. I just found out my husband has been doing this for some time now, & I believe he has had an affair. I, too, was diagnosed as having a sexually transmitted disease because of his actions. I’m devestated by it

Tara, I am so, so sorry. I think it’s really important for each person to evaluate their own situation individually. Sometimes it is possible for a relationship to be restored, and other times divorce is clearly the best option. Whiel there is no one-size-fits-all, I would never recommend that a woman stay in a relationship where she feels unsafe for any reason–physically, emotionally, sexually. Having contracted a disease, you were clearly not safe in your marriage. I am so, so sorry.

Chris,
I read this article with the purpose to find out if my feelings are normal. A couple of months ago I found out my husband was watching porn quite frequently over the last 2 years. I had noticed that his interests in sex with me had gone down to the point that he rejected me. His answer to my question: Why he was not wanting to have sex
was, “I don’t feel connected to you.I don’t feel understood. ” We have been doing marriage counseling for a little over 3 years in hope of solving our communication problems and thought we made some progress. I don’t understand why he chose this images over me? I was a very confident woman. I knew I was not the most beautiful woman ,but I looked good. I liked myself and thought until the discovery of my husband secret that I could handle any problems coming my way.by laying it at the feet of Jesus. My husband is a Christian man,that’s what makes my mind boggled even more. Why would he do that? I feel devastated and totally insecure now. Was I not attractive to him anymore? I wanted to have sex with him regularly and often and also initiated sex. I struggle with my self image now. I look nothing like that woman in the web.How can I compete with an perfect image.I had three kids.I wonder about what I could have done different to prevent this decision from happening. I feel so lost. We have been doing worship together every morning for the last two month. He has stopped watching porn with God’s help obviously.But I struggle. Not to forgive him but to move on and to repair my self confidence.I totally lost it. I question every move of him. Get anxious when he travels for work. I can’t talk to anyone because noone else knows about it. He has the perfect christian image to everyone out there.I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. The biggest problem I see is that he won’t talk about it, since in his mind its resolved.He stopped doing it. So it’s ok now. Thank you for listening to me.

I’ve read that the spot you are in can mimic what doctors see in PTSD patients. It might be time for some self-care. I heard Vicki Tiede (http://vickitiede.com) say once, “just because the habit is over, it doesn’t mean the havoc is over.” I bet you can relate.

Pornography use may be unfortunately common in our culture, but that does not make it “normal,” healthy, acceptable, or harmless. Your own feelings at the moment, as well as the damage to your relationship with your spouse, give a good example of the harm pornography use can cause.

My husband looks at porn and i hate it. It is disgusting and sick. Unfortunately for many men it does start in their teen years. It is an addiction. Unfortunately because it is increasingly acceptable in society i.e moral decay of society men no longer question their activities. Sorry but looking at porn regularly is immoral and wrong. You should train yourself to have eyes only for your wife. Porn leads to dissatisfaction in your sex life because u expect it to be like in the porn movies which are fake and full of women being abused. It is not your fault your husband looks at porn. He is suffering from an illness . My husband even told me that he is not sure he would fantasize about anal sex if it were not for porn. Porn is twisting men brains into thinking that that is real sex. Men stop making excuses. You are sick. The proof that men still watch porn even if their wives are open to doing all those acts proves it is wrong. Whatever. This world is upside down. You know you wouldnt like to see your daughter or wife in those videos. So why is it okay to look at other people wives and daughters being abused and disrespecting themselves. You are sick hypocrites.
I have secretly put a porn blocker on our internet connection. Watching to see what he is going to do. I am going to prove that it is an addiction.

Hi, I have just bought a house with my partner and discovered he watches a lot of porn everyday. I am very hurt because I have a high s drive and he turns me down all the time saying he’s too tired. I could live with this until I discovered porn. I an worried that I should get out now an it my warning sign. I feel rejected because it not from me not doing it or stuff to him. He just not interested in me. I am a good looking girl. But I feel I am not enough anymore. This is the first time in my life I have ever has self doubt due to this. When I try to do stuff he says don’t, I’m tired etc. Which has always hurt me and I’ve told him that but since I’ve seen the porn its now worse coz now it feels like he wasn’t tired he just didn’t like me. Or maybe he’s already wackrd off… He is my best friend I would be sad to lose him. Should I tell him I’ve looked at fone or should I ignore and carry on. Is it going to get worse and he will cheat or is it just a fix he needs. :( sad gf

I think ignoring it is a mistake. I would suggest telling him that you know about his porn habit, you’d be sad to lose your best friend, you want to have a good sexual relationship–but porn is killing all the good stuff. Hand him the Gottman article. See what he says. Consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you. Do you want to live with porn long-term? It’s really up to you.

I’m really struggling with my husbands porn addiction.
I’m now insecure about him finding any other woman pretty. Because I feel when he does he’s being a sly, creepy, disgusting individual.
Starting back when we jumped into a relationship, he looked at me and said “I’ll always fine women sexier and hotter than you.” This was the first stab to the heart. Who says that!?
Second, finding out about his open addiction.
He would deny me and lie about watching it and getting off by himself when we was away from me (deployed and stationed elsewhere). He recently deployed again and the first month he was gone was yelling at me how me wanted to be intimate with him over skype while he was away was me being a “sex addict”, “you need to control yourself”, “you can’t even go a week without it”, “I’m tired”, I’m having issues getting it up “because you’re pressuring me”, “I’m angry at you”…. all while I was pregnant.
Well a month later I found his google history and it was apparent he had watched porn the very first day away from me and was acting out against me for his wrongdoing.
He’s also told me in the past he has intrusive sexual thoughts about other women he can’t control…. right.
He says they are images that pop into his head when he sees women (every once in a while) and he is having sex with them in this images. And when I asked why that happens he said “usually I realize I find them attractive”. So that’s another stab to the heart. You can’t find people attractive without having sex with them in your mind?! How pathetic.
Then there’s the flashbacks in his head of favorite porn videos, pictures that he used to get off to constantly. So that’s MORE women taking up space in his brain that aren’t me.
He will not ever call me hot because he says that’s not respectful. And that most porn stars are what he would classify as “hot” with all the makeup and fake features.
So great, just more women who are sexier and hotter than me that I’ll never be able to live up to like he said to me last May.
He’s said to me “I’m not going to find women attractive when I’m with my wife. It’s more likely to happen when I’m away from you”. So being an entirely different person when he’s away from me.
He also said before his deployment, “its more likely to have sexual thoughts about women when deployed bevause youre not with your spouse. You’re not having sex. So if it were to happen, it’s more likely when I’m away from you. ” along the same lines as his last women
Then it’s the compounding of porn addiction and all the women he has stuck in his brain, the women he finds attractive that he has sex with in his mind, and everything else.
This is why I hate him finding other women attractive. Which I know is a normal thing for anyone to do! But for some reason, coming from him, it makes me insanely angry and grossed out.
I never feel like I’m good enough for him. I’ll never feel like I am.