Together, we can get through this . . .

I am a banker. I gave mortgages to people I knew couldn’t pay me back and made billions of dollar. The mortgages were worthless and could not legally be sold. I packaged the loans into bonds. I sold some of the mortgages five times over. Mere mortals go to jail for selling a home five times but I didn’t. I bought a new type of unregulated insurance called a Credit Default Swap (CDS) which had been invented by my friend Blythe Masters at JP Morgan while she was still back in England.

These Mortgage Backed Securities (MBS) could not pass scrutiny but there was none. The rating agencies charged me a small fee, only looked at the unregulated CDS insurance and gave the bonds a AAA rating. I then went back to the people at AIG and bought a CDS against the bonds I knew to be worthless so I could collect when the bonds went belly up.

So far I had made fees on the mortgages from the home buyers. Some of these people were illegal aliens and we had to help them fill out bogus applications claiming they made $70,000 a year as a babysitter. They couldn’t afford the payments so I had to loan them money to pay my fees and to make the mortgage payments.

I got my money back for the mortgages when I sold the bonds to the pensioners. I knew the pensioners were going to lose their investments in the bonds I sold. I also knew they were going to need their pensions as I had helped to pass the North American Free Trade Act (NAFTA) in 1994 knowing the workers would all lose their jobs and really need their pensions.

When the bonds did start going bad, I collected on my CDS from AIG so I got paid again for the mortgages. In 2008 my friend Hank Paulson from Goldman Sachs was Treasury Secretary. He told the House and the Senate that the banks would pull the plug on the economy if they didn’t bail out the banks and restore liquidity. Paulson threatened the nation with martial law. The people called Washington and said No Bailout.

But there was no contest. We got our Bailout. It was supposed to be limited to 700 billion dollars. But it grew to more than 27 trillion dollars. That is when the real fun began. The first thing I did was to collect a third time on those bad mortgages. Some spoil sport at the Treasury wanted to have me and my friends take a haircut on the Bailout meaning he wanted me to only get most of the money due me rather than all. But my friend Timothy Geithner, the new Treasury Secretary, intervened and said I was to get 100%. That is only fair.

I knew Geithner from the old days when he was the New York Federal Reserve President. He says he remembers me when we were both starting our careers and he was working for my friend Henry Kissinger at Kissinger Associates. I always liked Geithner but I don’t remember that first meeting. He is a good man. Kissinger hired Geithner because he knew Chinese. I think I will hire him as soon as he resigns his position as Treasury Secretary. I need someone who understands money and Chinese. All my investments are over there now. I can’t invest in America any more. Look what terrible shape the country is in.

In 2008 I was involved with Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan in another Bailout program that never made the papers. I never met Ben Bernanke even though he is a Harvard man. We went to school different years. Nevertheless, I did get a 17 billion dollar loan at 0.078% interest in 2008. Some other banks played it safe and loaned the money back to the government for a small profit. Not me.

What our three banks did was join together to buy oil in the futures market in 2008. We bought every barrel of oil 27 times and raised the price each time until gasoline was $5.00 a gallon. We made another fortune. We did this again just recently but I digress.

I have ti tell you that I do not own Wells Fargo and I had nothing to do with the laundering of Mexican drug cartel money. You might have read that Wells Fargo owned five planes which they leased to the cartel so they could take the drugs over the American border. This is something I would never do. What I do is to require my drug clients to make their cash deposits in my offshore bank centers. I get a percentage of the trillion dollars a year in drug money plus the 400 billion in illegal weapons and the 500 billion a year in bribe money. Of course I have to pay bribes to keep this part of my business running. And I must tell you that the bribes I pay to fix your government are not tax deductible. But then I am tax exempt so I guess it doesn’t really matter.

My wife recently almost made it into the papers. Matt Taibbi wrote about my friend John Mack from Morgan Stanley and his wife. My wife is ten years younger, very attractive, from a good school and is what poor men refer to as high maintenance. By that the common men mean that a woman costs a lot to support. But my friend Ben created a special program to help The program is called Term Asset-Backed Securities Loan Facility or TALF. What Ben did was make a loan program where you or rather someone like my wife could walk into the FED and get a loan. To qualify all you had to do was to take the FED loan and buy a dead security. Hand the security over to the FED as collateral. Mt wife invested in bad student loans. The loans that were repaid went to her. The loans that went into default were given to the Federal reserve. It was a great program. Taibbi wrote about Mrs Mack but not my wife because John’s wife had borrowed 37 million dollars more than all the others involved. As I said, it was a great program and bought my wife a new Paris wardrobe and quite a few jewels.

The Bailout is continuing. My friend Blythe Masters is VP for Global Commodities at JP Morgan. She, I and Goldman Sachs are back in the futures market. We are taking that Bailout money you gave us and investing in commodities and oil. To date we have driven up the price of food and oil.

I heard a joke the other day. I am terrible at telling jokes but it is so funny I have to share it. A man was wondering how come he saw prices going up even though the inflation rate released by the federal government is still below one per cent. His friend was market savvy and said. Well what they do is to take their monthly survey and then subtract Tim Geithner’s shoe size. I thought that was funny when I first heard it.

In 2009 Ben Bernanke had a secret Bailout program that unfortunately was made public by a meddlesome lawsuit. I can tell you that the Journalist who sued us has died. The Europeans who had bought those fraudulent MBS from me and my friends threatened a run on the banks if we did not buy back the fraudulent notes. They actually would have sent me to jail with common criminals. But Ben Bernanke had a plan. He created 12.3 trillion dollars almost overnight. He used 6.3 trillion to buy our worthless notes. This kept me and my friends out of jail. All it did to you was to raise the price of your food and gas.

Well by this time next year the Bailouts should just about be completed. By that I mean when prices for food and gasoline double and you won’t be able to pay me any more money. I haven’t decided what I will do about you when I don’t need you any more. I might allow some of you to live past 2012. I would expect you to be on your best behavior. I am tax exempt so I don’t have to pay for your Food Stamps and your Social Security but I do not like people who complain. Just suck it up and pay for those Bailouts in silence.

I really despise people who demand I be arrested and be sent to prison. Don’t they realize the bankers own their government? I never met Eric Holder, the Attorney General, but he has done a good job spiking those investigations and indictments at the Department of Justice. I never met Janet Napolitano over at DHS but she is doing an excellent job and has a special list of men and women who have demanded bankers be arrested.

Just wait until 2012. Then you will learn what I really think about you, I despise you, your family and your damn friends. Get this through your head. You do not matter. Your family does not matter. Your friends do not matter. You are not a banker. You were born to pay me fees and interest. When you can no longer pay the vigorish, you will be of no use to anyone.