Answers for July 2001

Our WINNER for July 2001 lives in Northern California (but isn’t all of California Northern?)

John Coffin

Question 1

What was Jeff Kennett’s defence when Victorian Aboriginal activists accused him of genocide?

Answer:

That genocide is legal in Victoria

Hah! As if:

He said “Sorry.”

Other excuses:

De fence wot he sat on at the time.

“Nyuntu mala tunni!”

He was too busy killing people at the time to notice that all these people were dying.

“Genocide? Of the Aboriginals? I thought they were already all dead!”

He was only following orders. He wasn’t even there. Multiple personality disorder. He forgot.

Diminished responsibility, on the grounds that he is a brainless prat?

“I did not have genocide with that woman.”

“It wasn’t me. It was the one armed man!”

He used his hair as a battering ram.

That he hadn’t been born yet and therefore couldn’t be responsible. Oh – wait – you mean people from Victoria, Australia? Well, as he seems to be Australia’s answer to Shrub, I’d guess something like: “That is a very important accusation. And it deserves a clear response. And my response is to clearly ignore it.”

“No, you got it all wrong. It’s the Labour Party’s fault”

It’s not genocide unless you kill all of them.

He calmly explained that he couldn’t possibly have committed genocide because there were still Aboriginal activists around to accuse him of it. Then he ordered their execution.

“I don’t even know anyone called Geno.”

“I didn’t do it!”

“I didn’t do it! They were coughing up blood when I got here. “

“Yes I confess I did sin. You are right and I was wrong. I unreservedly apologize and beg your forgiveness.”

He stopped cleaning his large bore elephant rifle, and promptly started to load the magazine. After that the Activists got really quiet, realising that perhaps they might have pushed Jeff too far.

“Sorry mates, but it’s tradition.”

“Are you all sure that I am the CORRECT Jeff Kennett that you want? On the date that you all think that I exterminated one number or another items of humanity, I was having drinks with Lord Suchn’such. Just ask him! He’ll vouch for me. Really.”

He said, “Let them eat vanilla slices”, then he threw a shovelful of sand at them and then pedalled away on his Formula One exercise bike leaving nothing but a slick of hair gel in his wake.

He quickly whipped out a pokeball and activated it, while shouting, “Squirtle! I choose you! Water Attack!”

Crown Casino? City Link? A State Budget surplus? Any and all of these are supposed to mitigate the shortcuts and bulldozing of individual rights that abounded under ‘bloody Jeff’.

“You resemble Thylacine”

Question 2

Suppose you ask a Pitjantjatjara lady what she thinks of you, and she says “Nyuntu mala tuuni”. What is she implying? (OK here’s a clue: these 3 words mean ‘you’ ‘resemble’ ‘thunder’)

Answer

“The lightning is long gone” – you should have seen the show we just had … You are second best.

Other Answers

A man’s gases can no more be controlled than the beating of his heart. She is asserting that you suffer from a flatulence problem. [And many more answers on this theme]

Boom my me.

Her opinion.

I would say half past three.

It’s a reference to a supporting character from a movie about reindeer (or was that Thumper?).

May I borrow 50 dollars?

My god, get out in the sun and get youself a tan !!

Phew! You smell like Jeff Kennett!

she is suggesting, in an unsubtle way, that you resemble thunder. Given that we cannot look like a sound, her comment makes you infer that, although you may be impressed with yourself, she can see right through you.

She thinks you are a mighty warrior, suggesting that you have much in common with Snorlax, that very large pokemon specialising in eating and sleeping.

She’s been snooping outside my bedroom door in the early hours of the morn.

She’s implying that you’re loud, and she wants you to soon be a distant echo.

That I have a lightning bolt scar in the middle of my forehead. (If you have young children you will understand this reference)

Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh.

You come with a bang, but end far too quickly.

You make a lot of noise, but there’s no substance to you.

You’re Mick, me mate, the master farter with the double jointed arse!

Question 3

According to Mayan calculations, when (in our calendar) is the world due to end?

Correct Answers:

Ah yes, the end of the Mayan Great Cycle after the completion of the 12th Bak’tum. It’s either the 21st or 23rd December, 2012 depending on whether you use the 584,285 or 584,283 correlation coefficient.

December 23, 2012. I can’t believe I actually remember this. I would go so far as to say that I am ashamed to know this.

On the last day.

It has already happened, at least for the Mayans.

Alternatively:

“It is easy to see how the shifting continents would continually hamper the Maya in their attempts to tunnel through the Earth’s crust and mantle to reach its molten core.” Craig & Eric Emland, quoted by John Grant in ‘A Directory of Discarded Ideas’

1963

This afternoon.

“In the Year, 2525 . . . “

12/23/2012 (12/21 by another calculation) Or perhaps (after Dec. 23rd): “its just another New Years hangover, we really mean the world will end on…”

23 September 2038

A week on monday

Not soon enough to get out of any more work today.

On Jeff Kennett’s next birthday

According to Mayan calculations, the current cycle of the world is due to end in December 2012. There is some disagreement over whether the end of the current cycle of the world will involve the end of the world itself.

Almost everywhere in a University calendar. The world ends every time there’s a lecture.

Dec 22, 2012. This was based on the belief that the world would only last 13 baktuns, and is worked out from when they believed the world began. But then, they were a tad suspicious. Every alternate year, they would spend 5 days out of every 25 indoors because they were scared of dying otherwise. They were also said to have predicted their downfall–shame they didn’t do anything about avoiding it.

December 21st or 22nd 2012, depending on who you believe. Remind me to use all my Christmas gift wrap in 2011 and not to bother with early present shopping after that. But wait! their calender starts from when they believed Venus was “born” but records of Venus (not to mention scientific evidence) show Venus existing prior to their birthday. Ah, skepticism!

Half past three on a sunny Wednesday afternoon, in October, although as their calendar is now defunct we aren’t too sure of the date. But, we continue to run up massive credit card bills all through September in the hope we don’t have to pay them off in November.

I went a’huntin on google and came up with both 23/12/2012 and 21/12/2012. This kind of thing really pisses me off. What if the world ends on 21/12 and you, having heard that 23/12 is THE date, have planned the world’s biggest piss-up on 22/12. You’ve bought all the grog for cash as nobody will take plastic by that date, and it all sits there totally unused during the apocalypse, or whatever passes for the apocalypse. What a waste of money!

If you had asked for Malayan rather than Mayan calculations on our demise, then Dr Mahathir would doubtless figure that Australia’s world has ended already.

I’ve Peruved the Incan calendar site, it said you Mayan work out the last days if you read around.

Presumably at the end of the first complete alautun cycle of 23,040,000,000 days, which started in 3114 BC and is due to finish in …um… carry 5… 63120173AD. Much more interesting is the Anglo-Israelite sect’s announcement that the world ended in 1953, but it was a quiet armageddon only noticed by believers.

The 5000 year cycle of Mayan calendar referred to as The Long Count ends on 21 or 23 December 2012 (depending on whose calculations you consult), but the idea that the Mayans thought that the world would end on this date seems to be out of favour with students of Mayan civilisation. So anyone of Mayan descent will just have to wait for the asteroid, the environmental collapse, the malevolent aliens, the vengeful god or Kenneth The Giant Purple Three-Legged Chicken Of Doom with the rest of us. (I’ve got a really good idea for a screenplay, where Bruce Willis is a drill rig expert who saves the world by confronting the Kenneth The Giant Purple Chicken and shoving a fusion bomb up its actually yes, I have taken my pills today, why do you ask?)

The ancient Mayans calculated that the world would end when the Seventh Sign has been revealed. While the exact nature of the Signs was never documented, I happened to ask my Tarot Card reader about this very subject last week. According to the Cards, the Signs will take the form of Pokemon movies. Based on an estimated production rate of one movie per year, and taking into account the recent cinematic release of Pokemon 3, I would say we have a little under four years left. If pressed, I’d have to say the world ends in April 2005, at 10:15 am, on a Thursday morning.

The end of this fifth world (Jaguar Age) will come on December 24, 2011 A.D., by catastrophic earthquakes caused by a sudden reversal in the earth’s magnetic field.

This is a trick question – the Mayan calendar is cyclic

When it ends, now quick ask me when it started?

When somebody finally gets that damn ball in that hoop.

When we’ve made sufficient sacrifices – Pauline Hanson must die, or at least rot in jail

Where did the Mayans come from, and why did such an advanced civilization suddenly disappear leaving just their architectural wonders and kitchen utensils behind? There can be only one plausible explanation. They came and went through an astral portal into another dimension. It is well known that time in one dimension does not correspond to time in another. Your question is therefore meaningless.

Toda

Question 4

In a recent survey who did the British public name as the most prominent Christian?

You Need Faith To Believe This:

Sir Cliff Richard. Runners up were the Pope, the Rev Ian Paisley, the Archbishop of Canterbury, and Jesus.

Queue Here to Fry in Hell:

A Bear – as in “Is the Bear a Catholic?”. “Does the Pope shit in the woods?”

Adolph Hitler

Anselm – patron saint of the blessed Saturday night bath.

Ash Ketchum. Perhaps they should’ve surveyed more than just the eight-year-olds leaving the local cinema after a recent showing of Pokemon 3…

Assuming it’s not Ozzy Osbourne, I’d say Jesus.

Bloody hell, it wasn’t a hippopotamus, was it. With ears like that, it must have been Prince Charles.

Britney Spears

Cat Stevens (Yussaf Islam). Nobody said the Poms were bright – they sent all the smart ones to Australia.

Christian Barnhard. The British people were never very bright, seems they sent their brightest and most enterpreneurial to some land in the southern hemisphere, because the government hated the competition.

Sir Cliff Richard, probably. There are many levels of ‘sad’ associated with that if I’m right.

Dolly Parton.

Felix the Cat.

Fletcher. The only prominent person in the entire history of the Christian family. However, once the question had been explained to them, they chose a combination of (i) the pope (ii) cliff richard (iii) ian paisley

Jesus was born and raised a Jew, and was never a ‘follower of Christ’ so that rules him out. While the horned one gets a lot of ‘bad press’ and is likely to be prominent in the minds of the Western populace, one could hardly describe that entity as a Chrstian. Human nature being what it is, I’d hazard a guess that Judas Iscariot would be the one that stood out in most people’s minds. (Boo, Hiss the Villain!!)

Knowing the poms understanding of religion, I’d say the Dalai Lama

Lady Di

Most likely, the British picked Gandhi. He’s been the generic “saintly person” ever since he figured out how to run a public relations campaign. (Wonder what would have happened if the Maya had tried non-violent resistance to the Aztecs.)

Oddly enough, it was me. I do not know most of the British public, so their choice not only fills me with a modesty that is most becoming, but also with a sort of paranoid sensation that everyone really is watching me.

Pope Ayatollah Siddharta Gautama V

Prince Charles – due to his rather prominent nose!

Santa Claus, a Thylacine, the guy conducting the survey on pain of death, or they _could_ have answered seriously but unlikely in Britain. I suspect that Santa Claus masqueraded as the last Thylacine and conducted the survey.

Question 5

The 1933 movie of the ill-fated last living Thylacine suddenly ends after 62 seconds, why is this? And no, they didn’t run out of film.

Actual Answer:

The second-last living thylacine attacked the cameraman from behind. [Yes, the thylacine got behind the cameraman and bit him on the bum. What a wonderful way to go – with your teeth buried in your oppressor’s arse!]

Very Near Answers:

I wondered about that when I saw that bit of film as part of an exhibit at the Australian museum last year. I nearly burst into tears – it was one of the saddest, bleakest, most depressing things I’ve ever seen. The poor thing looked so utterly unhappy. I secretly hoped that the film ended abruptly when the thylacine turned and tore the throat out of the cameraman, but it’s probably something a lot less amusing – it probably did something deemed uncivilised, like take a crap or lick its own genitals.

Benji The Thylacine was trying to rip the throat out of the cameraman’s neck. And I’m sorry he didn’t succeed.

Everyone will say this, but there is some contention over whether it was the last Thylacine. The 1933 movie lasts only 62 seconds because they didn’t realise that it was going to be the last thylacine, and they filled the rest of the film with other antipodean wonders like kangaroos and platypuses.

The photographer was killed, No, wait! That’s too obvious! The cameraman decided that was all the film he needed of the thylacine.

The ‘Thylacine Museum’: http://livingplanet.virtualave.net/thylacine/thylacine.htm has five films of at least two thylacines, all apparently taken at about the same time, in the Hobart Zoo. Which one do you mean? [The one I was familiar with was #2] In one, the beast goes into its shelter at the end. In another, it moves toward the camera in a manner suggesting retreat on the cameraman’s part.

Also:

62 seconds after the film started, Gandhi stuck his head into the shot and started making funny faces. The whole thing was ruined and they didn’t have time for a second take, ’cause the Thylacine had already met its ill fate by then.

A member of the One Nation Party (circa 1933) heard that it was the last Tasmanian native… (you figure out the rest).

After finally winning a gruelling battle with a Bulbasaur, the star of the movie, a very rare Pokemon called Taztyga, suddenly evolved into Chartyga and accidentally set fire to the camera operator.

After that point, it becomes a movie of the corpse of the ill-fated last living Thylacine.

Are you kidding its obvious, It was going to die so why waste film on it any way?

Because the Mayans miscalculated and the world really ended in 1933.

Because, after 62 seconds, the ill-fated lasted living Thylacine died of stage fright!

They had plenty of film – but they did run out of Thylacine.

Charlton Heston, anxious to get even greater street cred with his NRA mates, shot the cameraman.

Hitler took over and ordered them to stop filming.

In the great tradition of America’s Funniest Home Videos the said thylacine dashed around and bit the video taker on the bum – oh how we laughed. Unfortunately the big prize of $10,000 was taken out by the cute kid who kicked her father in the sensitive region, whereupon he fell into the swimming pool and collaped the edge of it, then staggered into a pole and knocked himself out and squashed the cat – oh how we laughed again.

It started to rain and the painted stripes on the dog in the film began to run.

It was that same last living Thylacine who was operating the camera when he/she met his ill-fate?

Otherwise it would take too long for my browser to download. (The last one died in 1936, so that rules out one obvious answer. Maybe the cameraman suddenly expired?)

Ran out of batteries?

Really bad lighting? [Yes, for thylacines]

The aliens not only took the thylacine (also known as the Tasmanian detho – macedonian joke) but then proceeded to eat the person filming this disgraceful act. All that was left of the cameraman was 62 seconds of film.

The animal was so boring that the cameraman lost interest and decided that the baboon in the next cage was more exciting. The initial interest of an animal named ‘tiger’ fast lost it’s appeal when it was obvious that it was nothing more than a small dog with stripes painted on it.

The bloke who was filming this somewhat overrated animal had a sudden and irresistible urge for a thylacine and cheese sandwich.

The camera man took fright as the alien space craft descended . . .

The camera man was distracted by Jeff Kennett’s father who just happened to be walking past at the time.

The cartoon character Tigger experienced a sudden jump in popularity and they decided they couldn’t hold their ratings against such opposition.

The camerman’s lunch was getting cold.

The costume fell off the greyhound.

The entire cast & crew were wiped-out by a viciously contagious variant of Whooping Cough.

The film makers were savaged to death by the penultimate Thylacine.

The ill-fated last living Thylacine suddenly died. (Um, what’s a Thylacine?)

The painted stripes washed off the dingo.

The rest of the film deteriorated too much.

The Thylacine removed a small smoke grenade from his pouch exploded it in front of the camera and vanished, but not before sodomising the cameraman unmercifully. Hence the reason why they really made the animal extinct, after all who would want a rampaging dog with a hard on and a penchant for sodomising people. Ok I admit the sudden arrival of the entire House of Lords in Tasmania on a fact finding tour which corresponded to the demise of the Thylacine does on the surface look suspicious, but I’m sure it really is innocent.

They had just started the camera rolling when they realised that they didn’t have anyone to do a professional commentary. So they switched the camera off again and waited for David Attenborough to visit Tasmania to do the voice-over. Unfortunately the Thylacine died before he arrived.

They were trying to tape some footage for “Australia’s Funniest Home Videos” but when, after 62 seconds, the Thylacine had failed to do anything remotely funny, they gave up. Later however they did get an amusing shot of a toddler-age Rex Hunt catching a crocodile and trying to kiss it before throwing it back.

This is a trick question – underexposure.

Thylacide (Gone in 62 Seconds)!

Unfortunately they ran out of Thylacine.

Question 6

[Picture of shadow on a fence in a caravan park in Adelaide] – what’s on the fence?

Dr Bob’s Vision:

Well some people saw an image of our Lord and Saviour, a Mr J Christ (but how do they know it was him, as we don’t have a real image to compare with?). Anyway, I think it’s Frank Zappa.

O Ye of Little Faith:

A representation of the sacred cross wrought in jasmine flowers which miraculously appeared one day and is now providing comfort to true believers. If you look closely you can also make out the dreaded apparition of Lucifer sneaking up along the fence.

Cant be Jesus! He was a Jew and more importantly a Nazirite. The beard and hair would be not as kempt as one portrayed on a corrugated iron fence.

Every Tassie Tiger alive today.

Look at the man’s hands. He’s doing something. Urinating and indulging his wife’s piss fetish? Nay, he’s JERKIN OFF, jerkin off on the fence! I feel sorry for the neighbors who cop an eyeful of a one eyed jolly roger while they’re just trying to mow the lawn.

Urine – the bloke’s having a piss

Yes, yes, the shadow does look like Jesus (If you are ON DRUGS!!!!). It actually reminds me of Merv Hughes, see now, it wasn’t hard to get 1990’s cricket into the quiz was it!

Are you talking about the shadows? Or are you talking about the thing that might be the back of someone’s head or might be a squirrel or could even be a tree? It may even be a fault on the camera lens. Good golly gosh.

galvanised iron, sunshine, paint, wee from all the local dogs, shadows. or is this a trick dr bob. is the secret message that the fence has a name – WATSON – to be gleaned from the phonetic statement what’s on the fence. you sneaky bugger.

Is it something to do with the way the old lady protects her bum and the old codger plays pocket billiards? Is it Jeff Kennet looking like shit? Do all the corrugations have something to do with the Incan calendar?

Shadows, probably some paint, maybe some insects … OH! You mean the tree thingy over by where the two people are standing! I dunno.

Light? Shadows, and a bit of casuarina

Sunlight and shadows, but they don’t weigh anything.

Several well-known politicians.

It’s obviously one of the squirrels, rabbits, or other pests that people occasionally mistake for Thylacines.

Air … okay, okay just kidding. I see the Virgin Mary cradling the new born Jesus. Shes in tears because of all the wickedness in the world and she “speaking” to me through the fence (no, its not my neighbour Harold .. its HER!). She’s saying that we must build a church on this site and pray, and pray and pray until … well, until all the wickedness goes away. Oh, and her tears of blood will appear on the ladies dress as her image and in her eyes will be reflected all the sins of the world. This we will call a “tilma”, build another church and have pilgrimages of the faithful passing by for a viewing at US$2 each, including GST, excluding miracles.

A coating of a newly discovered wonder substance totally resistant to fire.

A lot of glare from the sun and a bit of shadow. Apparently the person taking this photo was not the best of photographers.

An image of Jesus H. Christ not on a popsicle stick.

The shadow of Jeff Kennett cowering from a barrage of abuse from the local aborigines.

The shadow is said to resemble Jesus Christ – they say in Moonta Bay, SA.

Bugrit – I cant even see anything in the shadow play… Yes i do it looks like a character out of tumbleweeds or may be even henry lawson or groucho marx. Is it Melanie Safke or Nana Mouskouri? Ritchie Blackmore?

You can’t hide that truth, Dr Bob! Anyone can plainly see that your picture has been crudely altered in the middle – the focus and lighting are all wrong! And just what is it you’re trying to keep from the world at large? Only the first known photograph of a real, live pokemon! That’s right, the subject that has been so inexpertly removed from this picture is none other than Pikachu! Dr Bob, you are nothing but a tool of the Nintendo propoganda machine! Like them, you would have us believe that pokemon are merely fictional cartoon characters, and not real creatures! I will not stand silent while this blatant mis-truth is propogated! I have published the original picture for all the world to see! http://image2.ectopia.net/safi/fence-original.jpg

An anti-neighbour gun turret

At first glance it’s Jesus – with a Zapata moustache – gazing soulfully at Dr and Mrs Hollingworth while they gaze adoringly back at him. In fact it’s a bloody shadow copping a quizzical geek from Mr and Mrs Suburbia.

Shadow of Freddie Kruger about to strike down another couple of hapless victims.

Nothing very exciting really, but if I bring my eyes out of focus it looks like K9 on top of the fence, head obscured in the trees. And to the right, a fat, cross-legged monk with a sword (see him?).

Paint? Either that or its a bunch of fairies dancing on the head of a pin.

Kim Beazley doing his impersonation of the Cheshire Cat. Seemingly his policies can do the same thing. They are so good and happy that as long as he smiles you can’t see them.

That shadow could resemble a face (probably Jesus if you ask a religious nut.) Or a tree. Or Air. Or a monkey on a tricycle. Or a badger. I don’t know.

Shadows, rust, corrugations, light and other forms of EM, the attention of two homo sapiens, various species of microbiota, probably some ants, spiders, and other insects, and god knows what else? Can you be more specific?

Lisa from Big Brother?

DULUX Outdoor, and a pattern of shadows which look almost entirely unlike anything I have ever seen before; though some of a less skeptical nature might say they look like a person who in all probability bears no resemblance whatever to a chap who lived a couple of millennia ago…..

Paint. And shadows. And… Praise the Lawd! Halellulllah! ‘Tis the face of Jee-zus! Lord bless this fence! Call the true belieeevers to build a shrine round this fence and gather the faithful to the fo-old! Call now on 0800-OUR-LORD to pledge your donations for this vital shrine for our ministry! Only 2 zillion more dollars needed!

Looks like a coat of paint to me!

Paint, shadows, a climbing (or dangling) plant.

That would a picture of JC Superstar- also seen on snow covered rocks, church window rainbows, tortillas and in Mike Willisee’s eye in his doco of God fearing catholics experience stigmata in a South American country.

This is a trick question, I can see a second gunman?

Why, it’s a virtual pallet, a tabula rasa, for our dreams, our wishes and hopes for Our Future and Our Society. Imagine what we could achieve if we just believe… A picket fence for every house. Pastels, everywhere! Gladdies and corrugated iron! Then again, it could just be Phillip Ruddock’s conscience.

Son – “Dad! Why are you pissing on your feet?” Dad – “Its for tinea, son.” Son – “So have you got it yet?”

Paint, maybe – I don’t see anything unusual about the fence, but that looks like Peter Criss in the tree behind it. I wondered what he got up to after he left Kiss. Do you suppose those people have called the Fire Brigade to get him out of the tree? Who chased him up the tree to start with, was it Snoop Doggy Dog? Or is it time for me to get glasses?

A shadow. Probably not from a thylacine. Sorry!

A squirrel.

Good heavens!! Its Jeff Kennet leading the chosen ones down through a chasm of some type, across an endless plain of galvanised iron and out into Port Phillip Bay where he is parting the waters with his majic wand! Remarkable! And watching over his efforts are the kindly mages known only as Joh and Pumpkin Scones, the true alien origins of all human life on earth. What a photo…did you steal it from Area 54?

Jeff Kennett

The force.

Zinc galvanizing

Image of Christ tour dates. July- a fence, August- on a ski slope, Sept- on a fruit bun, Oct- adidas trainers (Allah got the Nike gig), Nov- in a teacup near you.

Commentary:

Are they your parents in the photo?

How dare you put such an occultist question as #3 on the quiz! [Sorry, it should have been #1]

Hey-up pussy-cat wotcha doin in a bucket? Whoa there, Dr. Bob… Getting a bit tricky isn’t it with all this sensible question type stuff. I’d go back to the tried and tested method of Knob-gags and swearing.

Not content with getting the wrong end of the stick, I got the wrong stick. [Oh, you got a stick – what luxury – when I think what I would have given for a stick…]

If it weren’t for the bonus question I’d look a right charlie this month. (Don’t say it….) [But I’ll say this: look at this month’s bonus question]

Questions need to be more specific. As my teachers tried vainly to tell me, “there is only one answer”. [namely: 42. Class dismissed, see you tomorrow – no, now you have the answer, class dismissed for ever]

I liked this month’s quiz. I don’t like consistently not winning. I’ll get info on everyone who enters this quiz, go through the phone book, and whack ’em all.

Do you think that the Australian stock market has a fence around it? If so, join One Nation now!

One thing they do not tell you before you go and have one is just how much time you will need to devote to making a baby fart. Hours and hours and hours, pacing, patting, gentle squeezing…

I miss the Thylacine, he never calls, he never writes, never send flowers. I got one postcard from outside Big Ben, saying having a wonderful time, but beyond that nothing.

Today’s ‘mobile phone culture’ may not be totally without merit – it is a refreshing change to listen to a bunch of guys boasting about who’s is the SMALLEST, and steadfastly maintaining that despite it’s minute dimensions, it still has all the functionality of a big one!

Please excuse my long answers this month. It’s a psychologically diagnosable condition called PhD-writing-avoidance. Thanks for the cricket question (even if I did make it so) now one on the Ultimate Fighting Championship, I’m not kidding I have them all on tape!

today is my day for no capitals unless they are needed to provide EMPHASIS

These are mostly guesses. Well in fact they are all guesses. And this comment is in fact a guess, I’m guessing.

After reading last month’s answers, I think I have a new interpretation of history. I think what must have finally pushed the American colonists to declare independence from Britain was the constant harping about spelling! They shouldn’t be so quick to throw stones when they can’t even spell ‘aluminum’ correctly themselves, and it was named by a Brit! [Alan Uriah Minium, a very decent sort of chap]

I do know the real answer to q3, but reality, huh, what did that ever do for me?

Please invite Joe Nickell back to investigate more of your mysteries. [Why, are you getting fed up with him over there?]

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and choose a king, that they don’t choose by size, because I bet there are a lot Chihuahuas out there with some good ideas.

I thought I knew the real answers for some of these, but I would rather see my answer in print so I gave you supposedly funny answers instead of guesses that would never see the light of day.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Hey, I got the last bonus question right, (so obvious was it) but where was my answer?? In fact, you didn’t include any of my other answers! All that superlative wit, lost! (Sob!!) Either you lost the email, or, or, or, maybe I tried to send it at about 3 am and bloody windows hung again. Must have been a conspiracy by Joanne Kelley.

This e-mail has been hygienically cleaned and sealed for your protection.

Everywhere I go, I see black vans with heavily tinted windows and tiny Nintendo logos. I fear for my life. I cannot identify myself. I must remain in hiding…