July 24, 2011

Keith is gone, Porsche remains to annoy, and Jordan won HOH which means another dull week ahead. The big question in the house is what 2 newbies swapped their votes and evicted Keith? We know it was Kalia and Shelly, but the other newbies have no idea and are pissed. Adam swears he said yes to the vets plan, but ultimately cast to evict Porsche; he believes this betrayal to the vet will get him nominated this week. The newbies in no way buy this, putting Adam on the outs and making him sad and now untrustworthy of his partner Dominic. Kalia dodges the interrogation while Shelly sits silently. Rachel comes to see the newbies and makes a snide comment about "Some of us like Porsche," pissing everyone off more. Learn some tact you fake-ginger bitch.

As Shelly encourages Adam to play a solo game, Dominic makes the same move and decides he's going to have to wheel and deal to stay in the game. Let's hope so buddy cause if you go home third in this game I'll be pissed (though I'd be so awesome if for the third year in a row my winner prediction was eliminated week 3). Dom's first move: Golden Key vet, Danielle, who he has a flirty relationship with. Adam instead heads right up to HOH Jordan and his manpiece Jeff to make a deal for his safety, though Jeff isn't sure Adam can be trusted. Dani wants to attempt to pull some strings to keep Dom safe, like trying to sway the veterans to vote to keep Dom in the game if he's nominated. Dominic later tries to make a deal offering loyalty to not nominate Jeff/Jordan next week. Cassi also assures Jeff/Jordan her target is on a different couple (Brenchel). It's veterans torn between which strong newbie they'd rather take out: Cassi or Dominic.

In the Have/Have Not competition, the HGs are shoved into ant suits as pairs and have to collect "food crumbs" on an obstacle course. The competition is a lot of squishing your partner as one rolls on top of the other and getting filthy. It's like last week's milk challenge with less pelvic thrusting. Some crawl, some walk- it's all awkward. Brendon and Rachel end up winning the challenge, so they are Haves with the Golden Key holders and HOH and their partner. Kalia starts freaking out with Lawon crushing her, making a medic come out from the illusive mirrors to help her. You wouldn't believe this, but the house doesn't care! After the freakout, Rachel/Brendon get to choose which partners are Have Nots so pick Adam/Dominic and Cassi/Shelly. Good news is America voted that the Have Nots could have beef jerky and jellybeans all week. Fuck, I'd be a Have Not this week for those treats.

Long story short, Jordan nominates the duo of Adam and Dominic for elimination. Looks like the Mel Got Served winner curse could strike for a third season in a row. It's bittersweet!

Did I mention Brendon dresses as a superhero and is best friends with a toy turtle that he named Franklin?

With nominations announced, Dominic feels betrated by Adam, thinking he made a deal to save himself. Rachel is pissed about the nominations because she feels Cassi, not Dominic, should be the target and that Jordan made a crappy decision. Adam tries to soothe things over with Dom, then heads up to the HOH and gets told by Jordan to throw the veto competition. Adam, being the fucking follower that he is, agrees to do it cause she's the HOH. Seriously dude? Only you can control your fate here and throwing comps doesn't help.

Rachel and Porsche talk shit on Cassi, saying she pretends to be the victim (lie), is a bad player (lie), and all sorts of other bullsheeeeit. Rachel has this Cassi obsession since Cassi supposedly said something to Porsche and it's such annoying high school shit with her. Rachel isn't the only one who wants Cassi out: Dani confides to Dominic that she also tried to get Cassi on the block but Rachel's big mouth blew it. Dani wants Dominic to trust her and align together, and I think he's down with the idea and the flirting too. Dani doesn't hate Cassi like Rachel does, but if it helps her work with Dominic, she's all for it. Jordan (and Jeff) don't appreciate the Brenchel bullying to get Cassi out and are fed up with Rachel's constant gametalk and jealousy.

In a "Seriously this show has to be fucking rigged" moment, the random duo to play in the Veto competition along with Jeff/Jordan and Dominic/Adam are Brendon and Rachel. Adam still plans to throw it, but Dominic isn't ready to leave yet and actually plans to try to which I say THANK YOU! Stop throwing comps you waste of space noobs. Before the competition, Brenchel talk in the storage room about winning the veto and saving Dominic/Adam to get rid of Cassi. Dani loves the idea, but worries it'll really piss JeJo off.

The competition itself is to cross a balance beam and stick chewed gum onto a canvas to form a veto symbol; fall off the beam and you lose, unless you accept 2 weeks of slop to keep playing. Dominic is lucky because it's an individual event, not duos, so no screwing over your partner this week. Surprisingly, the dumbass that is Rachel can walk and chew gum at the same time. Jordan is first to fall and almost takes the slop before Jeff tells her to stop because it's not worth it since she'd lose anyways. Rachel is pissed and makes a snide comment, "If the HOH isn't playing then maybe we shouldn't be." Jeff is pissed. Rachel falls down and takes the 2 weeks of slop "cause I need to be on a diet anyways." Jeff points out again there's no point to take the slop if you didn't stand a chance to win the veto. The Mel Got Served winner prediction as 3rd eliminee curse is broken when Dominic wins the Power of Veto! Yay for him, yay for me!

Rachel and Brendon get into another fight because of her sassy, shithead remarks about the HOH not competiting. She is like a child in this game and I am so sick of her annoying antics to get airtime. The newbies love this fight between Brenchel and Jeff because it's some cracks in a tight alliance. Rachel then fake cries in a shrub with Brendon doing his annoying "baby" motivational stuff. God I'd love if Jordan backdoored Rachel and Brendon, but she wouldn't this early in the game which is a shame. Jeff tells Jordan he's pissed he lost and moreso pissed at Rachel's antics. Jordan explains there's just a week left of tolerating Brenchel, while Jeff tells us in his Diary Room session the thought has crossed his mind (let's call this wishful editing). Either way, they don't want to nominate Cassi and Shelly. Rachel later fake apologizes in the least convincing way. The 5 veterans swear their undying love to each other or whatever.

Cassi and Shelly visit Jordan in the HOH room to explain she could really change up the game and spare their nomination to take out some real competitors (Brenchel). Jordan is torn between doing what is best for her or her alliance. Wishful editing has Jeff supporting the idea of nominating Brenchel and getting one of them out of the game, but it's Cassi and Shelly that are named the replacement nominees after Dominic saves himself and Adam from the block.

Shelly is sad that it's very likely her "best friend" Cassi is going home this week. You know, the "best friend" who you couldn't even align with week 1 or have the balls to tell the truth to. They mourn and cry together, but Cassi doesn't want to campaign against oh so lovable liar Shelly. Then Jordan's upstairs in the HOH crying, feeling guilty for nominating someone's mom. Shelly's crying over her kid, hoping she understands the show and I don't know. STFU, Shelly. If Shelly stayed with the noobs week 1, this wouldn't have happened as poorly.

Cassi pulls Rachel into the Have Not room to see what her beef is. Rachel claims it's because Cassi doesn't like Porsche, that she wanted the power couples out, and that Cassi is a liar and bad game player. Cassi tells Rachel she is catty, an ugly person on the inside, and now understands why America hates her. Y-E-S. Rachel immediately fake cries to Jordan and it's sooo horrible to watch her attempt to get out some crocodile tears. Jordan keeps it real and tells Rachel that some of the stuff she says does come off bitchy. Jordan explains she needs to calm it down because she's putting a target on them all. Brendon the almighty doesn't like anyone messing with his fiance or Cassi swearing on the bible that she's not a liar. He's such a fucking prick. Cassi just wanted to make peace but instead these 2 asshole get one of the few tolerable people in this house eliminated.

Time filler includes Julie Chen interviewing HOH Jordan in her safari dress, Adam's girlfriend calling him a "master of Big Brother," and Dominic's girl BFF saying he's not into Daniele romantically.

The votes are cast and in a unanimous vote, Cassi is evicted from Big Brother 13. Boo! Thankfully for Cassi, it's pretty obvious that the first few HGs evicted are going into sequester and may return to the game. With the edit she got tonight of standing up to the shitheads that are Brenchel, my vote goes to her for sure. Rachel's goodbye message is in fact catty and bitchy, so we all knew that was coming, but what we didn't see coming was that Big Brother would forget to turn off Rachel's mic when she peed so yes we heard Rachel urinating on live television.

The HOH competition is about to begin, BUT FIRST, a cameo of the Zingbot in the audience with a "Comic-Con or Bust" sign. I love you Zingbot! The competition is to correctly answer questions posed to the viewers of Big Brother on CBS.com. These are less real questions and more impressions of the HGs, like "Which houseguest would you rather get mouth to mouth from?" (it is easily Jeff over disgusting, chauvinist Brendon). In the worst news of my entire life, Rachel wins HOH again. Fuck this season.