Please excuse the entry. This one is going to be short and full of formatting issues. As of this morning, most of my hopes and dreams for the month have come to a screeching halt. First the realization that I just can’t fit in a longer work out on weekdays threw me off my fitness goals. (And, yeah, I know I can work out after the baby goes to bed or instead of watching tv or blah blah blah. You do the shit I do then lecture me. Lol). Then when I got to work the computers were down and mixed with my own very shotty computer at home, well, I’m just not going to be getting any writing done for a bit.

But that’s all okay! Really!

Look, I am focusing at present on going with the flow, seeing the up side of things, and trying to find happiness where I’m at right now and I know all of that sounds hippy dippy but I don’t care. The past couple of months have been a fucking wasteland for me and I can’t tolerate it anymore. I have to DO something. But lucky, you! A lot of my plan revolves around doing more things I love and one of those things is reading! Woohoo!

i hope things pick up from here. And I hope you have the most satisfying week in books that you can imagine! See you for a normal post in a week.

I was living in the middle of nowhere with my fiance. Only, he was travelling for work most weeks and I was alone a lot of the time. I kept telling myself that I was an adult, that I could handle it, but I also had this suspicion that something was wrong. He seemed to be harder and harder for me to grasp.

About a year earlier, when he started travelling, he decided that he needed to start reading to kill time in airports. I was so excited! Finally, after all of the time that I spent watching movies he loved and watching wrestling with him and listening to bands he liked, FINALLY he was getting into MY hobby! I thought about books he might like. I wrote them down. I gave him a list.

He ignored it.

And, you know, I got it. I understood. He knew the books I read. Young adult. Classics. Random things I found on the shelf at work. V.C. Andrews. Joe Meno. I was working through The Dark Tower series by Stephen King at the time. I wasn’t a huge fan of mysteries or suspense or the kind of books you found in an airport. I’ve never read James Patterson. I understood that he thought I would only suggest books to him that I liked and he was sure that he wouldn’t like the same books. Never mind my years of working in a library. Never mind the degree I was digging through. Readers advisory was an alien

I remember when he bought the book. We were at Target with a friend who worked at the library with me and we stopped in the book aisle. I handed him a book, “You might like this one.”

“Nah. What do you think I’d like?” he asked our friend. Even though she was mostly reading Virginia Woolf at the time.

She shrugged and pulled a random book of the shelf, giving him a “I don’t give a fuck” look and said, “I don’t know. This?”

He bought the book. And then I saw it everywhere. I saw it at work and in stores and for some reason it seemed to always be around our house, on the coffee table or on the kitchen counter. I STILL see that book all over today. I’ve never read it. In fact, my mind drew such a distinct line around it that I’ve never read any of the author’s books and actively skip over reviews when I come across them.

And maybe this would make sense in a different context. Maybe if it was what he was reading when we broke up or maybe if my friend had actually made a heartfelt suggestion for him. Maybe if he told me repeatedly how great it was or if it had randomly ended up in my books when I moved out. But there was none of that. It was just a cover seared into my brain. I even had one of his books when I moved out, a book that I read and really enjoyed and still think about today and kind of want to reread. I read it right after we broke up so that I could get it back to him ASAP and be done with it.

Today I added that book to my TBR list. For a lot of reasons. The first is that the book was published a decade ago and I read someone raving about how great it is probably once a week still. The second is that I am more into murder and mayhem and mystery in my books these days. The third is that I realize it’s not already on there for a pretty stupid reason and you can’t hate a book because someone else liked it.

A couple of weeks ago, I told you guys about my reading in 2007 and how much of it had not stuck with me. There were a few gems but more than a few WTF-is-that-books. And so, lets take a peak at 2008.

And holy shit, it was a year.

In 2008 I reread the first four Harry Potter books. I dove deep into studying world religions, reading the best titled book of all time: The Joy of Sects. I reread a bunch of Francesca Lia Block books and also read Thirteen Reasons Why, Looking for Alaska, and King Dork, all very formative books for me. 2008 was the first year that I started in on my Fear Street reading. I also read three Joe Meno books, one of which I remember reading when I was particularly ill.

It was an awesome year! So, my top five books of 2008 in no particular order. Here it goes!

Rumble on the Bayou by Jana DeLeon. A surprise hit! I read this delightful little romantic romp and have never found anything else that quite itches that scratch even though I tried as recently as last month!

Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett. I remember reading this massive book curled up in a massive chair in my parents’ living room. It took a long time but it was a very rewarding read. A couple of years ago my husband listened to it on audio and once in a while one of us will randomly mention how good it was.

The Boy Detective Fails by Joe Meno. While Hairstyles of the Damned will always be my favorite Meno book, this was the second Meno I read and it was weird and I may have had a really high fever at the time. But I still think about it A LOT and suggest it to people who look at me like I am crazy.

Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. Even though I haven’t read it since and I haven’t finished watching the Netflix adaptation, this book made me ugly cry and left me raw.

Death of a Cad by M.C. Beaton. There are a lot of other books that I liked a lot more that I read that year but I chose this because it lead to a solid three or four year spree. It wasn’t long before I realized that I could listen to these on audio and I was over the moon! The Hamish series made me a fan of audiobooks and I haven’t looked back since.

Okay, y’all. I’m off to see the work wizard. Hopefully I can calm down and finish something!

Recently I was inspired to copy all of my books read over into a notebook. I have been keeping track of what I’ve read since 2007, even though I didn’t start counting audiobooks until more recently. I found it really interesting looking back at what I read and looking up descriptions and my reviews for books that I didn’t remember. I was thinking that I would check in once in a while for a Throw Back Thursday and tell you some of the bests from my list.

And so, 2007!

2007 is the first year that I tracked so it must be the first year I tried to read 100 books. I read 48. When I was copying titles over, this was the year that I found most confusing. There was A LOT I didn’t remember! I was just finishing up my undergraduate degree and the one that stuck out the most was Hemingway’s For Whom the Bell Tolls. I have said over and over again that I never read that book and I am fucking WRONG.

Some of the highlights of that year: I read The Feminine Mystique for the third time and it was also the year that I read Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. I reread the Harry Potter series. It was my first time dipping into Nick Hornby’s Polysyllabic Spree. I also was reading some comics that year, like Courtney Love’s Princess Ai and Kohta Hirano’s Hellsing which I remember nothing about but I totally recognize the cover. I also vividly remember a couple of the young adult books I read that year, like Enthusiasm by Polly Shulman and Story of a Girl by Sara Zarr.

Last night I got a little bit of a scolding. Now, I don’t tolerate scoldings but perhaps in this case Hubby was justified.

The insomnia is out of control and yesterday I gave in and bought some melatonin, as was suggested by my nurse practitioner.

Yes, yes. I know that I can use chamomile tea and meditation and lavender and pillow spray. I know because I tried all of that before following a medical professional’s advice.

In the mean time, last night we watched our backlog of awesome Sunday shows (Rick and Morty, Game of Thrones, and Ballers) and then I made a cup of tea, took my pill, and sat down “to color.” I picked up my phone and started scrolling.

I love my Kindle and I always have something on it to read at night because it’s backlit and yeah I fucking know that means I shouldn’t use it in bed. BUT, it never bothered me before. That doesn’t mean that it’s not bothering me now.

As such, there has been some tampering with my reading schedule. Instead of doing King, my book, my book, YA and my Kindle at night, I will be doing King, my book, my book, Kindle and YA at night.

I think that it happens to everyone at one point or another and I think that sometimes, as in my particular case, it has happened slowly and all at once.

On the end of the Mega Super Panic Attack that went from Sunday into Monday, the MSPA that made me unable to go to work on Monday and barely able to function at all (except that I have to because baby), I was kind of losing it a little. I sat on the couch with my husband and my baby and I looked around me and I fought back tears.

Why?

And that is always the question.

I am the happiest that I have ever been. I have a husband who is the love of my life. I have a baby who is just perfect and awesome, healthy and bright, a real ham. I love my cats. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my house. I love my car. I love my job. I keep busy. I have a passion. I have a goal.

So, why do I feel like I am falling apart and nothing is right?

Well, I know. It took a lot of thinking and it took a lot a lot a lot of courage to admit it. I DID admit it, though. I admitted it to myself. I admitted it to LD. Those are vital first steps.

I’m not going to tell you what is wrong with my life. Instead I am going to tell you a little about my plan. I am going to work toward my goals and work with my passions. I am going to stop giving a fuck about what everyone else thinks. I am going to start grinding it out, day after day. I am going to work hard. I am going to play hard. I am going to show up and be present. I am going to prioritize. I am going to stop running and hiding. I am going to do self-work and practice self-care and take the time to do the things that I really want to do. I am going to make changes.

First, I am going to work every day on the thing I want.

Second, I am going to be more active in my daily life, physically.

Third, I am going to commit my time and energy to my husband and son. None of this “I’m spending time with LD but really I’m thinking about/working on my ridiculous to do list.”

Fourth, I am going to spend more time doing what I WANT to do instead of scrolling.

Fifth, I am going to face the things I need to face.

Sixth, I am going to prioritize so that things actually get done.

It’s a lot and it’s a big deal and I am doing it. It’s time to be strong, smart, and confident. It’s time to take control of my life.