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When news of a new David Bowie album emerged in January, I was excited, but also a bit apprehensive. Sure, the idea of new music from one of the most vital, original, and enigmatic rock geniuses to ever walk the earth was enticing, but at the same time, the dude is 66. What if he doesn’t have it anymore, and his comeback effort proves to be the musical equivalent of Michael Jordan’s time with the Washington Wizards?

Thankfully, that’s not even close to being the case. The Next Day, Bowie’s 24th studio album, is brilliant from start to finish, and proves that despite being gone for far too long, Bowie still has a lot of creative juices in him. This is one of Bowie’s more diverse efforts, as he adeptly switches from genre to genre on each song. Lead single “Where Are We Now” is a soulful ballad, a bit reminiscent of his cover of “Wild Is The Wind” on Station to Station, but with more of the atmospheric quality that would mark the Berlin Trilogy era.

At least it’s still better than Go On.

Last spring, a large section of the internet had a collective seizure when it was announced the NBC sitcom Community would be going forward without Dan Harmon, the super-duper-mega-genius who created it all. It seemed like sacrilege, since the show was Harmon’s baby from the beginning, and he had put so much of his blood, sweat, and tears into the project.

When it was announced that he would be replaced by David Guarascio and Moses Port, best known for their work on Happy Endings and Just Shoot Me (the latter is a fairly underrated show, for the record), all the diehard fans were all to eager to write the postmortem for Community without even seeing any of the new episodes. Well, after watching the first three episodes of the post-Harmon era, it’s my sad duty to report that those devoted ultra-fans actually had a point.

In case you haven’t heard, in a recent episode of The 700 Club noted corpse Pat Robertson reluctantly admitted maybe that whole thing about the earth being only 6,000 years old is just kind of, y’know, maybe a complete load of shit.

Obviously, this was a bit of a shocker. Robertson has been the captain of the delusional nutjob team for decades now. Why the sudden change of heart? Is he so old that he’s just entered “who gives a fuck” mode? Whatever the case, it certainly threw a lot of people for a loop, but the question is: does this actually matter? Let’s take a look at the details and see if we can’t reach conclusion on this.

This shit is almost over with.

Obama and Romney hug it out, bitch.

Holy fuck shit am I sick of this election.

All of it, just all of it. The pointless debates, the endless pontificating by overpaid TV blowhards, the fact that Romney and Ryan can lie their fucking asses off, and no one in the media will call them on it, and if they do, they’ll write it off as no big deal, because apparently asking our politicians for accountability is like, sooooooo 1974….

With hockey season at risk, Canada threatens to release a new Simple Plan album.

Naturally, Tim Thomas blamed the lockout on Obama.

You know what’s been great about 2012? No ugly, prolonged lockouts. Unlike last year, all four major sports are going off without a hitch and we don’t have to concern ourselves with some endless, repetitive labor disp- wait, what? Really? You’re fucking kidding me! No hockey season, again?! God, I fucking hate Gary Bettman.

Review of Bob Dylan’s Tempest

I pretty much feel the same way about Bob Dylan that I do about Arrested Development (the TV show, not the rap group), which is to say that I enjoy both quite a bit, but I’ve never understood the insane levels of worship that either has received. This inevitably frustrates a lot of people, but while I like a lot of Bob Dylan’s work, I’ve never fully gotten what makes him the Greatest Songwriter Ever, as so many have dubbed him.

Read The Article That A Subsidiary of ESPN Didn’t Think Was Good Enough!

A few weeks ago, Grantland began a contest to be their fantasy football writer. While I’m not much of a fantasy person (I won my league in 2010, but mostly because everyone else stopped paying attention), I thought I’d give it a try. Sadly, the results came in yesterday, of the 4000 entrants, I did not make the top 10. Thanks to the existence of alcohol, I’m not too broken up about this, but I figured since I did put some work into the column, why not put it out there and give people a chance to read it. If you’re unfamiliar with the rules, the instructions were to name your top 5 fantasy players and one sleeper. So, here’s my rejected entry into Grantland’s Fantasy Football Writer contest. Enjoy!

Am I too old for Lollapalooza?

Young festivalgoers enjoy not yet realizing that festivals are terrible

Making a mad dash for the metro on Sunday, I wiggled through the fifth or sixth American Apparel-clad clusterfuck of the evening. As I bolted past the hordes of skinny, singing 20-somethings drunk on $7 cans of Bud, and out of Chicago’s Grant Park after an agonizing weekend of Lollapalooza, it was obvious that I was the only one in sight saying sayonara to the musical festival sans sorrow. Rather than a forced au revoir, my departure through the park gates was an all-or-nothing jailbreak. The tens of thousands of others solemnly said farewell for another year. I said goodbye for good.

You rarely cease to amaze. For a man who coldly advocates the brutal physical and psychological torture of others, you demonstrate a remarkable level of cowardice when confronted with the slightest written criticism. As if fully incapable of sensing irony, you describe my critique of your pro-torture stance as “poisonous,” and ramble on for over 2,200 words, hiding behind this disingenuous excuse and that, about why you don’t have the time to effectively respond to such “attacks.” Impressive.

Last week, I wrote a piece for AlterNet/Salon in which I railed against five prominent atheists (Penn Jillette, Sam Harris, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Bill Maher, and S.E. Cupp), for their respective irrational beliefs in matters nonreligious. Criticism of my article ranged from absurd AlterNet comments like:

This article is nothing but B.S. spouted by a Christian zealot. It looks like we’re the l;ast nation on earth with missionaries

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