Lindsay Lohan was supposed to fly to Washington, DC to attend the White House Correspondents' Dinner, but apparently she missed her flight because she "couldn't pull it together." While it sucks that Lohan can't be bothered to sit upright and take a short flight in order to meet the fucking president, the real tragedy is that she missed the chance to sit for several hours in an enclosed tube with George Clooney! (Clooney is also attending the dinner, and made the flight.) No word yet on how President Obama handled the news that he would have to make it through the dinner without his most trusted adviser. [TMZ]

When a teenage boy flipped his car in Malibu last week, he was rescued by like the 2nd best person to possibly get rescued by (#1 is GOZ, OBV): Patrick Dempsey and his shiny, shiny hair! Apparently Dempsey heard the crash outside his house and raced outside, crowbar in hand, to pry the youth from his fiery prison. Then he performed hella surgeries and made out with everyone because that's just the kind of cool dude he is. [TMZ]

Following protests from groups including the Christian Council of Korea and "the Civilians Network against the Lady Gaga Concert" (real thing!), Gaga's Seoul performance was closed to underage monsters. Protestors called the tour "too homosexual and pornographic," which I'm sure caused all of Korea lose interest immediately. [E!]

Inspired by an aunt who competes in the Special Olympics, Brooklyn Decker announces that she would like to adopt a special-needs baby in addition to having biological children. "I want to adopt a child or a baby with an intellectual disability one day," Decker says, "I mean, that's in the distant future, but that's always been a goal of mine." [People]

The husband of late Road Trip star Mia Amber Davis claims that his wife died because she was too fat to be on birth control; plans to sue her OBGYN. [TMZ]

"You're stuck with us for another three years! Yay!" says Kris Jenner. [Us]

Incredibly relevant British boy-banders The Wanted declare Christina Aguilera to be "a bitch!" (with that exclamation point and everything), then add that she's not as hot as J-Lo. Yes. Good insult. Some beautiful celebrity is slightly less beautiful than a very beautiful celebrity. [Vulture]