Work of Art Liveblog, Episode 2: Art Movement

Once again it is Wednesday, and once again it is time for another amazing Work of Art episode and a hopefully amazing Work of Art liveblog. Just a refresher: last week we met our fourteen contestants, who had names like Sucklord and Jazz-Minh (ungh), and the contestants weathered their first challenge. The artists took kitsch and attempted to make it art. Michelle won with her gorgeous totem pole and paper skeleton installation, and Ugo lost with his incredibly boring, incredibly red wall hanging thing. Farewell Ugo, you were pretty, but boring, just like your piece was.

Farewell, Ugo.

This week it looks like we will be introduced to something called Parkour (ungh). Also, Lisa Loeb look alike Kathryn will do some really ugly crying! Excitement!

9:00: And we’re off! Everyone is nervous to see who returns from the six contestants who were asked to remain. And no one seems really upset that Ugo is the one who got eliminated. However, everyone talks about Ugo like he has just died: “He was a nice guy.” Of course Sucklord offers: “Nice guys finish last.” Thanks, Sucklord. You’re an asshole.

9:01: And it appears that we are going to see China in that awful red dress that has a HOLE IN IT at the beginning of every episode this season. Disaster.

9:02: 6:30am wakeup call from Simon, who shouts “wakey wakey.” Oh, he’s adorable. He is taking the group on a “journey.”

9:03: And their destination is…a brick yard, with China standing in the middle, wearing what looks like a poncho that was knit by Big Bird. Disaster. And then: SURPRISE! Lots of athletic dudes start vaulting over the walls. Oh and a girl too! They are the members of New York Parkour, and Parkour is some sort of movement thing? They don’t really explain much, I assume if I want to learn more then I will have to Google “Parkour,” but I’m too lazy to do that now, sorry guys. Edit 10:06: Okay, I Googled Parkour. Here you go guys, Parkour.

9:04: The task is revealed. The artists will be split into two teams and will create a piece on “movement.” Except, every artist is going to create his or her own work, and that all has to mesh into one team work, or something like that. I foresee egos and disasters. Excitement.

9:05: Team one is the “Sucklord” team, and team two is the everyone else team. China and Simon leave the artists to talk with the Parkour folks and to brainstorm.

9:06: Michelle wants to do a pooping piece. Michelle?! Sucklord is all “WTF does that have to do with motion.” Evidently Team One is going to do a piece on digestion. Okay then! Team 2 is going to do a piece on migration. Somehow this seems better to me than digestion, but that’s probably just because I am squeamish and don’t really need to know what goes on in other people’s bodies.

9:07: Um so Jazz-Minh, who is crazy and a B, starts doing flips and such across the yard. She decides to try to take some photography of herself and another Parkour person doing backflips, because this will somehow work for her artwork.

9:08: Team Two wanders around New York and goes dumpster diving, in an attempt to find art materials. Team One walks around New York, takes pictures, get confused, talks about uncertainty, and motion. I’m sort of bored by this already, guys, and my cat just started eating the Halloween decorations, so this commercial break is well timed!

9:13: Studio time! Kathryn reveals she has Chron’s disease.. She will do another visceral tableau, probably about stomachs, and irritable bowel syndrome.

9:14: Sucklord is annoyed because the digestion theme is getting way too literal and I’m honesty in 100% agreement. Sucklord, you may be an asshole, but sometimes you make so much sense. Luckily Simon is here now to smack some sense into these kids.

9:15: Kymia, the spokewoman for Team One for some reason, starts explaining their idea to Simon and he is clearly “WTF.” Their digestion is going to be a “full circle” thing, from mouth to excrement to fertilization to something growing to the mouth eating again, etc. Michelle says the word “poop” to Simon, and then Simon says “poop,” and I just want to die guys, this is so painful. Why would anyone think this is a good idea? Simon clearly doesn’t think this is a good idea. Sucklord doesn’t either, because digestion is “slow and disgusting.” Duh.

9:16: Team One is explaining their idea. So evidently Kathryn and Jazz-Minh, who aren’t on Team Two but SHOULD BE, are doing body pieces. Ungh. Also I totally thought Kathryn was on Team One. Anyways. Someone is doing a piece on the moon and someone is doing a piece on the migration of Koreans and no one is on the same page at all. I mean, at least the Poop Group (heh) has a unified piece.

9:18: Simon is so horrified by what Team Two is telling him that he stops their critique and calls both groups together. He is all: “GUYS. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. YOUR PIECES HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH PARKOUR. OR MOVEMENT. GET WITH IT.” Except he does it with a bit more articulation and an adorable accent. Leon, in the confessional, signs “Fuck,” which is great.

9:19: Kathryn for some reason starts talking back to Simon, as though he is attacking her directly, and not the rest of the group? I mean, girl, he’s critiquing everyone, get over yourself. Just because you sort of look like Lisa Loeb doesn’t mean you are special. Ungh, I hate her. At least everyone else gets that they should start over (I hope). Kathryn, just because something “comes to you” doesn’t mean that it is a good idea.

9:20: Team One is no longer the Poop Group, thank the lord. They are making a piece on playgrounds and fun and movements now. Young is begging the rest of his team (Team Two) to restart. He’s had some curatorial experience and he feels he can bring some unity to their group. Leon is trying to talk-sign and everyone is talking over him and Lola basically tells everyone to shut up so Leon can talk, so, Lola’s little less of a B. Team Two decides to do a work on a ball and circular movement and circles…

9:21: Except Kathryn, from Team Two, is so stuck on her stupid idea that she doesn’t want to change with the group. She uses the word tableau again, which I knew she’d do because that’s her favorite word, and then she cries a bit, and then she talks about Francis Bacon, and then she goes into the bathroom to cry some more. She’s officially my least favorite at this point, because she clearly thinks she’s the best, and is very much stuck in her artistic style, and I don’t care if you don’t know how to do video art, sometimes you just need to push yourself girl.

9:25: Six hours until the end of the night. Team Two now officially has a name for their piece, and that is “Loop.” So now they are the Loop Group. Young is thrilled that the Loop Group has a theme now, he’s going to make a flag inspired by the Japanese flag.

9:26: Kathryn is, of course, continuing with her visceral tableau, but she’s making a video of it this time? Leon believes that Kathryn needs to mix it up, because she’s already done one visceral tableau. Visceral tableau visceral tableau visceral tableau. Okay.

9:27: Jazz-Minh is worried about Tewz, who is going to be spray-painting something orange, maybe? Lola is singing to her work “You will be a good little hanging ball.” And then she shouts “I’m double fisting it with glue guns!” She basically has a big ball of shredded paper and she is gluing it together. She says she doesn’t know what she is doing but it usually comes together in the end. Ungh, girl, I hate you. Leon’s piece, which sounds like it could be lovely, is about a man and a woman fighting, and about a world without sound, and there’s a light bulb; I am extremely intrigued by this, because right now the piece just looks like a big pane of glass.

9:28: Team two is officially “playground.” Michelle’s piece is about somone who gets an erection in the playground. She has immunity this week, so she can do whatever the fuck she wants, basically.

9:29: Bayete takes a bunch of footage of himself spinning in a circle. He makes himself nauseous. Sucklord is trying to make a midway style game called Flip the Rat. He wants to make it functional. Lola is all “I want to play your game.” And Sucklord is all “You’ll get to play, when it is ready…It’s dirty.” Lord, kids.

9:30: KYMIA IS MAKING A CAST OF HER TONGUE WHAT. ICKY. She’s also done some casts of her fingers and there’s some dirt involved? It is a big, surrealistic, sex piece.

9:30: Oh here’s our first instance of Dusty talking about his family and how much he misses his family. I told y’all this would happen, I told you! He’s pretty bummed about being away from his wife and his kid. His piece is going to be about loneliness, it will be a teeter-totter. He’ll have a photograph of himself on one end, and the other end will be empty. Oh, that’s a sad, literal image, dude.

9:31: Super montage of people working, and talking about how their art looks like semen, and then collapsing in exhaustion, and wow that cut-out of Dusty is really super creepy.

9:32: Back at the loft, the men are talking about their feelings for each other. No actually they’re just talking about the competition y’all, don’t get excited. Tewz is evidently a super optimist!

9:32: The next day, Kathryn is talking about how stress causes her Crohn’s disease to flair up.

9:33: Back at the studio, we only have one hour until the gallery show. Much last minute work is in progress. Tewz believes the Playground group’s work is too juvenile and literal.

9:34: Bayete is trying to get his footage to render on the computer, he is making video art, which is much less messy…unless watching the footage makes him vomit. What is it about body fluids in this episode, guys?!

9;35: At the gallery, people are feeling general nervousness as the teams mount their exhibitions. Young is worried that since he is the de facto leader of his team, he’ll be the one to sink should the team lose.

9:39: The behind-the-scenes mid-commercial clip is of Leon inventing sign-language nicknames for all the contestants. That’s cute.

9:42: Gallery show! Team One’s exhibition is called “Play With Me” and Team Two’s exhibition is called “Loop.” Today’s guest judge is Jeanne Greenberg Rohatyn from last season. I love her, hi Jeanne! She doesn’t hold back.

9:43: Sara without an “h” made a sculpture of a girl on a string. She even articulated the vagina, which Young appreciates. But he isn’t switching teams anytime soon (Sara asked, don’t blame me!)

9:44: China flipped the rat! Sucklord is really into the performance aspect of it. I am too, it looks like a fun piece. Michelle’s piece is a wooden sculpture called “Dirty Playground.” China decides to activate the erection, oi vey. Jerry calls Bayete’s piece, which is called “Wheeeee,” I believe, “very simple.” I can’t tell if that is good or bad.

9:45: Okay, onto the Loop exhibition. Jazz-Minh feels great about her flipping photography piece, of course. Tewz piece is sort of a hot mess, Lola’s piece is as well, it really does look like nothing more than a bigball of shredded paper. Young’s shiny Japanese-esque flag is called “Quake.” That’s nice. Kathryn is happy she took a risk by making a video piece.

9:46: Leon’s piece is really cool! It looks like a stage scene, like the aftermath of a big fight. He’s great! It actually gave me chills for a moment.

9:46: China announces the winning exhibition, which is “Play With Me.” Well, Poop Group, good thing you changed your theme! The group does a big happy giggly huggy dance.

9:47: The two best pieces in the show are Bayete’s piece and Michelle’s erection piece. One of those pieces will be the winner! Michelle wanted to take the playground environment into a “nastier” place (duh). Jerry likes that she set up a narrative, Bob is pleased that it was a little funny. China says that she isn’t scared by the erection and that she thinks the men are more scared by the interactivity of the piece than the ladies so Jerry Saltz, of course, goes and makes the sculpture erect. Yay Jerry, you’re the best!

9:48: Bayete’s piece is about childhood and joy. Jeanne and Jerry really like how simple it is. The judges are overall pleased with how simple and well-executed Bayete’s piece is. Bayete wins this week, which is great because his piece last week was just sort of icky and I knew he could do better! I actually really like Bayete’s piee, it was simplistic in the best sense and had a lovely, joyful feeling to it. I think he learned his lesson last week: complicated is not necessarily better.

9:49: And now, onto the Loop Group. Jazz-Minh starts spitting a bunch of bullshit and talking about the moon and time and lord, shut up lady. Jeanne and Jerry are all: “be quiet, girl.” And then the Loop Group is all “our theme was circles!” The judges say “Circles aren’t good enough guys!” Duh/

9:50: Three pieces are the weakest, Lola gets critiqued first. Her piece registers as a mess, duh. It is literally a pile of shredded paper, guys, just awful. Tewz is called out next. His piece is literally just, circles. A hose around a pickle drum, and some spinny hand thing. The judges are pretty perplexed. Jeanne calls Tewz’s work a “bad minimalist art object.” I LOVE HER. Tewz believes his piece is a success and Jerry is just mind-boggled by the fact that Tewz is so deluded.

9:51: Kathryn is also up for elimination. Kathryn’s only “loop” is the loop on which her video runs. Ungh. Jerry accuses Kathryn of making a piece that looks too much like the work she made last week. Kathryn claims that this is her obsession and she is going with it! Girl, change up your style! Jerry says that Kathryn is not pushing herself hard enough, and he calls her limited. And then Kathryn starts really UGLY crying, full-out sobbing. I thought it’d be a lot longer but it is really a sudden, loud gesture and it ends pretty quickly. Still, Disaster.

9:53: The judges are just incredibly perplexed about Loop and Loop’s dumb circle theme. They call Lola’s piece “dead.” They call Tewz’s piece “inanimate” and are confused as to why Tewz was satisfied with his work. Jerry is annoyed that Kathryn keeps returning to that which is most familiar to her. China is disappointed that Kathryn let her team down.

9:54: Before the commercial break we see a little clip of Lola and Kathryn, sitting on the roof and looking miserable. And Kathryn is holding beads and doing a BUDDHIST CHANT. GIRL. Kathryn just takes herself far too seriously.

9:57: Elimination time! Suspenseful music! “The only rule in art is what works, and none of your pieces did.”

9:58: Lola is called out for basically showing trash off the piece, Kathryn is called out for being selfish and disappointing her team, Tewz is called out for making a static piece. Aaaand Kathryn is eliminated! Wow, I really thought Tewz would go, for not recognizing that his piece was terrible. Anyways, Kathryn is all teary and sad and all “I appreciate your critique, I’ll try to push myself more!” She has a lot of ambition and determination and she feels that she has something to “share” with the world. Maybe visceral tableaus are not what the world wants to see right now, lady. Share something else.

9:59: Next week, we get a double elimination! But, alas, no more visceral tableaus. Farewell, Kathryn, I will remember your ugly crying forever!