Goose Girl Pt. 2

And back to the story! In case you need a reminder, Goose Boy Curdken is a creep trying to snag a piece of the Princess’s hair.

But, luckily the Princess cried,

“Blow, breezes, blow! Let Curdken’s hat go! Blow, breezes, blow! Let him after it go! O’er hills, dales, and rocks, away be it whirl’d, till the golden locks are all comb’d and curl’d”

So obviously the girl just needed a little time to herself to do her hair. And the wind blew so strong that it pulled Curdken’s hat off his head and it flew away. He chased after it and he didn’t come back until after she finished putting up her hair.

The girl can control the wind. The freaking Princess can tell the wind when to blow and how hard. How is she possibly afraid of a Waiting Maid? She has magic powers for goodness sake!

When Curdken came back he was quite sulky and mad. Serves you right dude. As they went home, the Princess called to Falada, reminder she’s supposed to be dead,

Now since Falada can still magically talk, you’d think she’d be trying to tell SOMEONE that the Princess is actually the Goose Girl. But no, she just feels sad for her and rhymes dramatically.

If think we’ve reached the part of the story where things start to get really interesting because the Princess now has weird wind magic… you’re wrong. The next day is a repeat of yesterday’s events. Curdken acts like a creep, the Princess has the wind blow his hat away while she finishes doing her hair, and she talks to Falada on the wall as they head home.

Now Curdken has had enough. The Goose Girl won’t let him harass her, she keeps talking to a magical decapitated horse- who wouldn’t go to his boss and complain. Sarcasm people, sarcasm. So Curdken apparently has the kind of pull to go complain to the King and go,

“Dude, I can’t work with her. She’s always crying and talking to that head of a horse hanging upon the wall.” Paraphrasing.

Here is where I imagine the King going, “Um… the DEAD horse? Like the decapitated horse head on the wall? It can TALK? What are you smoking?” Then, after a moment go, “Wait, bride? Like the Princess my son is supposed to marry?”

So like any logical king, our dear old King told Curdken to go about his business and he would watch it all unfold. Because he totally has nothing better to do than invest in the wild stories of his Goose Guy. Doesn’t he have people to do this for him?

And it all unfolds just as Curdken told him- although he did conveniently leave out the part about him trying to steal a lock of the poor girl’s hair.

Dear old King decided to call the Goose Girl aside and asked her why she talked to Falada. Why does no one care about the wind magic?! Like all good heroines, the Princess… burst into tears and said she would lose her life if she told him.

But he begged so hard, she gave in and told him the truth. Because that’s totally the lesson we want to children to learn. Beg and whine until you get what you want. He ordered royal clothes, that were somehow magically in her size and totally fit, and gazed upon her beauty. Now I understand why he gets on so well with Curdken. He’s an older creep taking a younger creep under his wing.

The King told his son the whole story, that his new fiance was actually a waiting maid. Who at least had a spine and a brain… but you know the real Princess is pretty and humble so that makes everything better.

Here is where the nefarious plot began. A grand feast was prepared. At the head of the table stood the Young King, the Waiting Maid in disguise, and the real Princess. That had to be some awkward dinner conversation since the Waiting Maid doesn’t know she’s been had. Everyone whispered about the beautiful girl- no one recognizing her as the Goose Girl.

After everyone ate and drank their fill, the Old King stood up and pulled the old Hamlet trick. He told a story about how a Princess was threatened into giving her clothes and status to her Maid. The Maid was to be married to a handsome prince while the Princess would be left with nothing. It was all very dramatic I’m sure.

Then the Old King turned to the Waiting Maid and asked her what the Maid’s punishment should be. Her response?

“Nothing better than that she should be thrown into a cask stuck around with sharp nails, and the two while horses should be put to it, and should drag it from street to street till she is dead.”

Tell us how you really feel.

To which the Old King went, “Thou art she! And since thou hast judged thyself, it shall so done to thee.”

Now if the Princess was such a good and humble person, I feel like she should have interjected here. Like I know what she did was kind of bad- but that’s one painful death! Couldn’t she just get off with a few decades in the dungeon? But nooo, the Princess was secretly #bloodthirsty.

Then the Young King was married to his true wife, and they reigned over the kingdom in peace and happiness all their lives.

Peace if you don’t count the screams of the Waiting Maid you condemned to a violent death… But you know, the bland as white bread Princess was pretty and humble. And had wind magic.