Humor

January 13, 2015

Paris – A Haredi newspaper removed the image of German Prime Minister Angela Merkel and the Prime Minister of Denmark Helle Thorning-Schmidt from a picture of global leaders marching in Paris.

The women were both taken out of the photograph but Netanyahu remained.

The newspaper, called “HaMvaser,” is published by MK Meir Porush of United Torah Judaism. It reworked the image to remove the women in following with Haredi spiritual rules that ban publishing pictures of women, since it considers the female body to be immodest.

Some Haredi newspapers also refrain from publishing the names of women.

A similar Photoshop disappearance was committed several years ago, when then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and another woman were digitally removed from the iconic "Situation Room" photo of the Osama Bin Laden assassination operation.

There is no basis in halacha (Jewish law) for removing female figures from images, this is yet another example of ignorant fanatics running amuck. At least they are using Photoshop and not machetes or machine guns.

At the very least, these stupid people could have chosen to not include any photograph at all, and spare the rest of the the embarrassment of their idiocy.

July 31, 2013

A Kenyan lawyer has filed a petition with the International Court of Justice (ICJ) in The Hague, suggesting that the trial and crucifixion of Jesus Christ was unlawful, and The State of Israel among others should be held responsible, Kenyan news outlet the Nairobian reported on Friday.

Dola Indidis, a lawyer and former spokesman of the Kenyan Judiciary is reportedly attempting to sue Tiberius (Emperor of Rome 42 BC-37AD), Pontius Pilate, a selection of Jewish elders, King Herod, the Republic of Italy and the State of Israel.

"Evidence today is on record in the bible, and you cannot discredit the bible," Indidis told Kenyan Citizen News.

Yes, those he suggests should have been convicted during the original trial have not been alive for more than 2000 years, however Indidis insists that the government for whom they acted can and should still be held responsible.

“I filed the case because it’s my duty to uphold the dignity of Jesus and I have gone to the ICJ to seek justice for the man from Nazareth,” Indidid told the Nairobian. “His selective and malicious prosecution violated his human rights through judicial misconduct, abuse of office bias and prejudice.”

Indidis apparently named the states of Italy and Israel in the lawsuit because upon the attainment of independence, the two states incorporated the laws of the Roman Empire, those in force at the time of the Crucifixion.

He is challenging the mode of questioning used during Jesus' trial, prosecution, hearing and sentencing; the form of punishment meted out on him while undergoing judicial proceedings and the substance of the information used to convict him.

The case was first filed in the High Court in Nairobi, but was rejected. Indidis had then applied to have it heard at the ICJ, which, the Kenyan news website Standard Media (SDE) reported constituted a pre-trial panel that would consider his case.

Indidis says he wants to establish what crime Jesus was charged with and prays that the court decides “that the proceedings before the Roman courts were a nullity in law for they did not conform to the rule of law at the material time and any time thereafter.”

“Some of those present spat in his face, struck him with their fists, slapped him, taunted him, and pronounced him worthy of death,” Indidis also told SDE.

June 19, 2013

Federal authorities have accused two upstate New York men of assembling a portable X-ray weapon they intended to use against opponents of Israel.

Prosecutors say 49-year-old Glendon Scott Crawford, of Galway, and 54-year-old Eric J. Feight, of Hudson, have been charged with conspiracy to provide support to terrorists following a yearlong undercover investigation.

Investigators say Crawford approached local Jewish organizations looking for people to help him with technology that could be used to secretly deliver damaging and even lethal doses of radiation against those he considered enemies of Israel.

Authorities say they assembled the mobile device, but it was inoperable and nobody was hurt.

May 20, 2013

Monday night marks the national premier broadcast of the American Masters installment on Mel Brooks. To mark the occasion, we’ve put together a collection of Brooks’ best Jewish clips.

What exactly that means is a good question. As with two others recent subjects on the PBS series — Woody Allen and Phillip Roth (hey, guys, maybe change it up a bit, before Pat Buchanan notices) — you could make the argument that Brooks’ entire oeuvre is an extension of his very Jewish background, sensibilities, hang-ups, etc., and hence any and all of his work can be considered Jewish. Take “Young Frankenstein”: It lacks any explicitly Jewish gags, but some critics (here and here) have no trouble making the case that the film is very Jewish.

The Coen Brothers' "The Big Lebowski" is a challenger to the best of Brooks, but Woody Allen and Philip Roth are lame, lame, lame. Monty Python's "Life of Brian" is way more hilarious than anything produced by "I Shtupped My Stepdaughter" Allen or penned by the excruciatingly self-hating Mr. Literary Giant Douche Roth, even though Monty Python is not really Jewish humor.

March 19, 2013

You likely base your knowledge of Orthodox Jews on ridiculous caricatures which were dreamed up in Hollywood and the headlines that capture the worst in our community. It's time to straighten things out.

No, but I've been asked this numerous times — once even by my cleaning lady. Which is pretty funny because she's SEEN my sheets. I'm thinking,"Hey, lady, you make my bed! Ever seen any hole anywhere? Nuh-uh? It's cause we don't got 'em!" People assume that because we're outwardly modest that our modesty continues behind closed doors. It doesn't. (News flash: We also shower like regular people!) It's a big mitzvah for a husband and wife to be together — and not just for procreation. A wife's sexual satisfaction is actually part of her marital contract, and if her husband doesn't fulfill his end of the deal, it's grounds for divorce. Don't assume that because you don't see us being overtly sexual we aren't doing so in private places. That's the point: We believe these matters are *private.*

2. You wear a wig? Oh, so then you shave your head, right?

No, actually, I don't. And none of my friends who cover their hair do either. It's only a small segment of the Hasidic community that does. Why do I cover my hair in the first place, then, and with *gasp* a wig that makes me look beautiful? Well, that's a longer discussion than we have time for in BuzzFeed land, but I'll keep it simple: Jewish modesty is not about looking unattractive, it's about keeping certain parts of yourself private. The wig creates a barrier between me and the rest of the male population, and there's only one man who can cross that barrier. Again, there's no space to do the topic justice, but let's get one thing straight, folks: If you see a wig, assume there's hair underneath, because there usually is.

3. You're a woman, so you're subjugated, right?

No. I'm not, and I don't think any of the women in my community are either. But of course there are SOME subjugated Orthodox women in the world because there are jerky men everywhere including in the Orthodox world. Orthodox Jews have many shared values with second-wave feminists, and the vast majority of Orthodox women that I've come across feel respected and are choosing their way of life. Does Judaism consider men and women to be different physically, emotionally, and spiritually? Heck, yeah! But different in a yin-and-yang sort of way, not a in a Coke-Pepsi sort of way (Coke clearly being the superior of the two). Orthodox Jews are second-wave feminists. We believe in celebrating women's unique womanhood, not trying to make her more like a man.

But don't take my word for it! Go out and meet some Orthodox Jewish women yourself and see directly from them how they're treated. You can come to us for Shabbos, if you'd like. (Did I mention that my husband is an excellent cook?! ;) )

4. You're a woman, so you don't work, right?

Actually, I do. And most of us do. I once literally had a fight with a reporter from a major news outlet about this because she wouldn't believe me. She had no real knowledge of the Orthodox community, yet she INSISTED that Orthodox women don't (and can't) work. She noted at one point that "maybe my secular bias is getting in the way." (Ya think?!) When she finally conceded that Orthodox women could work, she asked, "Well, what do they do — run shops?" *Eye roll.* "Well," I began, "Some run shops, and some run companies" (like Rickie Freeman, CEO of Teri Jon). "And some run hospital departments" (like Dr. Laurel Steinherz, director of pediatric cardiology at Memorial Sloan Kettering.) "And some run legal cases at major law firms" (like Lydia Kess, a Hasidic Jew who was the first *female* partner at Davis Polk — one of the most prestigious law firms in the country). And frankly, there's more Orthodox Jewish woman - from all walks of Orthodox life — excelling in so many more professions than I even have space to mention. [Such as Vicious Babushka, who works in the auto industry--VB]

March 18, 2013

Various quotations, attributed to famous people, are frequently cited on The Internet in support of this or that popular cause. This in itself is a logical fallacy, the "Appeal to Authority." The argument is, "This famous person supports our cause! So how can you not support our cause? Do you know more than this famous person?" The argument fails if the famous person being quoted is not an acknowledged authority on the subject, or if there is disagreement among authorities, or if the famous person's quotation is taken out of context. The argument certainly fails is the famous person never even said what is attributed to him.

Here is a sample of some of the bogus quotations that are being circulated, mostly on Twitter and Facebook, attributed to various of the United States "founding fathers" on the subject of gun control.

1. "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." Attributed to Thomas Jefferson (spoofed above in LOLCat.)

Earliest known appearance in print, attributed to Thomas Jefferson: See above.

Other attributions: None known.

Status: We have not found any evidence that Thomas Jefferson said or wrote, "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not."

The pro-gun website SAF.org sourly has this to say about the fake Jefferson quotes: "Thomas Jefferson has many confirmed quotes on our website. Why anyone felt it necessary to make up a quote is ludicrous. Maybe an anti-gunner did it to discredit all the real quotes."

2. "A free people ought not only be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government."--George Washington.

This is the Zombie Fake Quote that can't be killed! What makes it so pernicious is that Washington did say something very similar, but the Fake Quote has been manipulated in order to give it a meaning that is quite different from the original context. Here is the authentic Washington quote:

"A free people ought not only to be armed, but disciplined; to which end a uniform and well-digested plan is requisite; and their safety and interest require that they should promote such manufactories as tend to render them independent of others for essential, particularly military, supplies."

The original quotation shows that Washington clearly intended a country to have industrial independence. The bogus, manipulated quotation attempts to insinuate that people need to have weapons in order to resist their own government, a sentiment that Washington clearly did not share when he forcibly put down the Whisky Rebellion and Shay's Rebellion.

3. "Firearms stand next in importance to the Constitution itself. They are the American people's liberty teeth and keystone under independence. The church, the plow, the prairie wagon, and citizen's firearms are indelibly related. From the hour the Pilgrims landed, to the present day, events, occurrences, and tendencies prove that to insure peace, security and happiness, the rifle and the pistol are equally indispensable." --another bogus George Washington quote.

Guncite.com, a pro-2nd Amendment website, warned its supporters to avoid using this fake quote. Of course nobody listens to them, this bogus quotation is all over the Internet.

This quotation, sometimes called the "liberty teeth" quote, appears nowhere in Washington's papers or speeches, and contains several historical anachronisms: the reference to "prairie wagon" in an America which had yet to even begin settling the Great Plains (which were owned by France at the time), the reference to "the Pilgrims" which implies a modern historical perspective, and particularly the attempt by "Washington" to defend the utility of firearms (by use of statistics!) to an audience which would have used firearms in their daily lives to obtain food, defend against hostile Indians, and which had only recently won a war for independence.

The "99 99/100 percent" is also an odd phrase for 18th century America, which tended not to use fractional percentages. It's clear that "Washington" is addressing "gun control" arguments which wouldn't exist for another couple of centuries, not to mention doing so in a style that is uncharacteristic of the period, and uncharacteristic of Washington's addresses to Congress, both of which exhibited a high degree of formality.

4. "1935 will go down in History! For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration! Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient and the world will follow our lead to the future!"--Attributed to Adolf Hitler IM"S.

This passage sometimes features different punctuation and slight wording changes including a beginning of, ‘For the first time in history, a....’ Various citations include: Adolf Hitler, April 15, 1935, in address to the Reichstag; Adolf Hitler 1935 'Berlin Daily' (Loose English Translation) April 15th, 1935 Page 3 Article 2 by Einleitung Von Eberhard Beckmann -"Abschied vom Hessenland!". "Adolf" is sometimes misspelled as ‘Adolph’ on the Internet.

While the above 'quote' makes a nice T-shirt, there are numerous problems with this alleged statement. (1) It violates the rule of not beginning a sentence with a number. (2) It isn’t phrased in Hitler’s style. (3) Major changes to the German gun laws occurred in 1928 and 1931 (under the Weimar Republic) and in 1938 (under the Nazi’s). No significant changes happened in the gun registration laws in 1935. Furthermore, the changes in 1928 and 1931 were designed to disarm the Nazis and Communists and therefore it is doubtful that Hitler would trumpet the success of any law aimed at his goon squads.

5. "It's not the people who vote that count, it's the people who count the vote!"--attributed to Josef Stalin.

This one is obviously bogus for a number of reasons. First, Stalin did not speak English, and would not have made a pun in English, but which makes no sense in Russian. Second, votes were not counted in Stalin's Soviet Union. All votes were for the Party, Stalin always received 100% of the vote.

6. "You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.You cannot lift the wage-earner by pulling down the wage-payer.You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income.You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.You cannot establish sound security on borrowed money.You cannot build character and courage by taking away a man's initiative and independence.You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves."--attributed to Abraham Lincoln. Frequently quoted by those who would deny government benefits such as food stamps to poor people.

These silly little aphorisms were actually composed by William John Henry Boetcker, some dude that nobody ever heard of. He seems to have been a 19th-Century Bryan J. Fischer. The first person to mistakenly attribute this collection to Lincoln was none other than everybody's affable granddaddy Ronald Reagan. Snopes has the whole story.

How can you tell if a quote attributed to a famous person is fake?

Generally speaking the rule to identifying Fake Quotes is:

1. If it's on The Internet it is probably fake. (however real quotes have occasionally, although rarely, been found on The Internet)

2. If it's in a book, it is probably authentic. However fake quotes have also appeared in print before there was The Internet.

If you come across any quotes that you think might be bogus, please share them!

Some people have marveled at what they’ve characterized as my insensitivity in wearing the costume I wore on Purim. My initial reaction in learning of this was one of shock because my intention was never to hurt or make fun of anyone. Those who know me—in politics and in my personal life—already know this. But others who don’t know me have expressed hurt and outrage, so I am writing to address that once and for all. Unintentional as they were, I recognize now that the connotations of my Purim costume were deeply offensive to many.

The question that is on the tip of everyone's tongue is why did he even do this in the first place? There are like a bazillion different costume choices that could have been made, Mr. Hikind (who is a freaking politician!) had to go with the one that offends the maximum number of people.

January 11, 2013

Leave it to "The Daily Show' to find the absurdity in one of Detroit's oddest political battles.

A segment on the comedy news show hosted by Al Madrigal looked at the plan to build a new bridge to Canada -- free to Michigan taxpayers -- and the surreal opposition to it that's been powered by billionaire Matty Moroun, who happens to own Detroit's other bridge to Windsor.

Watch the video above to see Madrigal go where others can't, as he pokes fun at Detroit, pesters a toll booth operator in search of Moroun, calls out a "soccer mom" for her Canada hating and asks one famed local activist with the New Black Panther Nation why he's working for the man.

December 19, 2012

Someone praying for financial security at the Western Wall had their prayers answered on Wednesday, when a man found an envelope containing checks worth more than half a billion dollars.

The man said he saw the envelope resting up against the Western Wall, Judaism's holiest site, where Jews traditionally leave notes in the cracks of the stones. When he opened the envelope, he found 507 checks from around the world, each worth about a million dollars, signed but not made out to anyone.

Jerusalem police spokesman Shmuel Ben Ruby said the man immediately brought the checks to a lawyer in downtown Jerusalem, who turned them over to the Jerusalem police's lost and found unit. Ben Ruby said police opened an investigation to determine if the checks are real or forged.

The checks are currently waiting at the downtown police station as to police investigate their authenticity, so anyone who has just realized he or she has lost half a billion dollars can still retrieve them.

The Rabbi of the Western Wall, Shmuel Rabinowitz said many of the checks were Nigerian. There was no comment on whether or not the checks could be from the notorious "Nigerian prince," one of most prolific email scammers, who suddenly had a change of heart.

The new video, “Call Your Zeyde!” combines smart politics and humor with this entertaining musical spoof featuring Michelle Citrin, the indie singer who starred in the YouTube hits, “20 Things to do with Matzah” and “Rosh Hashanah Girl.”

However, there is also a genre of artwork that is specifically dedicated to either venerating or demonizing President Barack Obama. The most famous image of this sort is the iconic Shepard Fairey poster:

In addition to this poster, which is already a collector's item, other artists have devoted their work to portraying President Barack Obama. Lucas Ketner has created this adoring portrait of the President, bare-chested in a meadow, with a unicorn, farting roses:

Then there is Ron Keas, who has created ordinary Presidential portraits, like this one of Obama in the clouds:

If you're not creeped out enough, Jon McNaughton will do it for you. McNaughton is a far-right extremist conspiracy Birther kook who has created apocalyptic hellscapes with President Obama officiating as Satan, kind of like a latter-day Hieronymous Bosch, but without the fun and the nudity. Here is "Obamanation":

Obama and his liberal friends were determined that all Americans switch
to the CFL, eco-bulbs by 2014. The cost was far more than the standard
bulbs and it was not only ugly, but gives out less light. Thank heavens
Congress repealed another great liberal idea to control American’s
lives. OMG OMG OMG !!!1!ty

August 08, 2012

New York - Disposable diapers have evolved tremendously since their introduction well over fifty years ago, with manufacturers continually improving their product by adding elasticized waistbands, superabsorbent polymers, resealable closures and other features. But one company is producing diapers that boast yet an unusual innovation: rabbinical supervision.

Kosher Diapers first hit the market before Pesach and feature Velcro closures, instead of adhesive tapes, whose use can be questionable on Shabbos. Available through local vendors that sell baby items in Brooklyn as well as online at KosherDiapers.com, the diapers are under the rabbinical supervision of Rabbi Shmuel Halevi Wosner of Bnei Brak and the website features approbations from Rav Shlome Zalman Ulman of Bnei Brak, Rav Yosef Yisroel Eisenberger, Dayan of New Square and Rav Yoel Tzvi Halevi Moscowitz, Dayan of Tosh.

“In the chasidic community, ninety nine percent of the people open their diapers before Shabbos or Yom Tov because of the tapes used to seal them,” KosherDiapers.com owner Barry Moskowitz told VIN News.

Babushka doesn't know what to say about this. Babushka raised 9 kids and never realized that the diapers (cloth diapers from a diaper service, and early generations of Pampers, Luvs & Huggies) had to be "kosher." OY.

August 07, 2012

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish men and children play on a segregated beach in Netanya, north of Tel Aviv, Israel, Monday, Aug. 6, 2012. Religious Jews have a section of the beach that is reserved for them. The beach is segregated so that on alternating days it is only men or women. AP Photo.

August 06, 2012

Jerusalem - Soon, it will no longer be necessary for charedi men to walk around while covering their eyes with their hands to avoid seeing women.

Recently, a new start-up company has begun marketing and selling special glasses in charedi neighborhoods such as Meah Shearim. The purpose of the glasses is to prevent charedi men from seeing immodestly-dressed women.

The glasses contain blurry lenses that obscure the wearer’s vision and do allow men not to see more than three meters. For those who already wear glasses, the company has designed stickers that can be affixed to the existing pair of glasses which will obscure the vision.

NSW Premier The Hon Barry O'Farrel MP hosted an "Iftar Dinner to celebrate Interfaith Harmony" at Parliament House on Thursday, July 26.

The Premier invited communal leaders of all faiths to join local Muslim leadership at the Dinner, which is held annually during the month of Ramadan.

The event was conducted in a spirit of respect between all faiths, with prayers being offered by Sheikh Yahya Safi, Imam of Lakemba Mosque, followed by Sister Giovanni Farquer from the Commission for Ecumenical and Interfaith Relations of the Catholic Church. Sheikh Safi mentioned in his prayer that Islam recognises the holiness of a number of great luminaries of the Jewish faith including Abraham, Isaac and Jacob as well as Moses, Solomon and David.

Grand Mufti of Australia His Eminence Dr Ibrahim Abu Mohammed addressed the crowd and spoke about the physiological similarities of all humans, created by the one G-d, and how tolerance and peaceful coexistence can only occur when we are open to appreciating the goodness found within every person; regardless of race, religion, color or creed.

Three years ago it was Dentists Hate Local Mom's Teeth Whitening Trick! The teeth whitening scam appears to have evolved into Dermatologists Hate Local Mom's Wrinkle Trick! The scam operates the same way: a bunch of fake front sites are set up, featuring a bogus "Mom" who reveals the "Weird Trick" which is to use Two Products At The Same Time. "Local Mom" got the products as "free samples" but that offer is no longer available so "Local Mom" will send YOU, stupid internet consumer, a 30-day "free" supply of Two Products which will only cost $14.99 for shipping & handling and then $100 a month every month for the rest of you life or until you cancel your credit card.

For some ridiculously weird reason, this scam just goes on and on.

Now HATE is even being used to sell legitimate products.

LANGUAGE PROFESSORS HATE HIM! UH, ACTUALLY THEY TOTALLY DON'T.

The guy that "Language Professors" all hate is actually a respected Language Professor who passed away 40 years ago. "Language Professors" hate his guts so freaking much that the American Council on the Teaching of Foreign Language (that's a cabal of "Language Professors") has named a pretigious award after him and they still present it every year. Yet for some reason, whoever is behind the marketing campaign to sell DVDs promoting this method of learning a new language (that would be you, Simon & Schuster!) has decided to use the HATE method of viral marketing, as if "Language Professors" (which would include your 4th grade Spanish teacher who makes like $36,000 a year) are some privileged elites guarding their precious secret from this Dangerous Dude who is a "threat" to their profession!

What kind of mentality does it take to believe that because (some random group) HATES something, that's a reason for other people to buy it? Maybe this appeals to the Conspiracy freaks, who think that some secretive, elite cabal of dermatologists, dentists, personal trainers, insurance agents, are all involved in some weird (yes! that favorite word of viral marketers!) cover-up like a real-life Da Vinci Code.

You know which viral ad I really hate? That ridiculously weird one with the woman wearing a leotard and a Drudge siren on her head, and little throbbing check boxes are all around her. I don't even know what they are trying to sell!

I mean like, WTF is this thing? Who is this woman? EVERYBODY HATES HER!