I met a wonderful man who treats me like i'm the single precious pearl on his palm, he pays attention to everything i say and do and shamelessly performs very cheesy and loving acts in public to take care of me. Last night we finally kissed, and I know that was coming because every night we were getting closer. We held hands for the first time last night walking all over the city and through insane crowds. I've never held hands this long with a guy before. He also gave me incredible, extensive shoulder and back massages, hands and legs acupoint massages, for the past 3 nights in a row. He is due to return to Msia end of next month, he said to me, 我舍不得你，怎么办？... I am afraid of falling in love with him, and then having to lose him. I'm afraid of him falling in love with me, sticking with me, and then having to ultimately face up to the fact he's not really in the same social status as me if i were to return to msia, im not sure my dad would accept him, and i need him to pick himself up...

he is aimless at the moment with no stable job, he is mature and thoughtful but i dont know if he only cares about little, near-future things and not big things and having big goals. I don't know, I suppose since he's been through a lot he needs time out to figure it all out. I really .... He's the nicest guy I've ever met. He treats me so incredibly well. I don't know what to think, my heart already accepted him as a dear lover but my brain is saying stop, wait, don't go into this, it's too early.

i dont feel that he is particularly attractive, but his presence somehow makes me feel comfortable and safe. He is kind-looking. He is not intimidating, yet he is strong enough for me. I don't need big guns like ivan has. I'm afraid his thinking is too simplistic. He appears to have not done well in school. I'm afraid that intellectually, we can't connect. I converse this well in English and he barely strings a sentence together. He speaks Mando and Canto and my confidence in those isn't high. I don't think he enjoys the same music, genre, film, any kind of entertainment stuff that I do. He has met my old housemates and did well mixing in but not the rest yet.

i guess the biggest problem is that he's leaving soon. Should we do a long-distance relationship? Should we break this off, and see what happens a year after? Should I ...?

i gave him the advice to not feel bad about the whole world, just because of a few people making his life miserable. Why can't I do the same? I am beating myself up and feeling depressed for more than a year now, only for 1 person. He has had it much, much worse. Broke and in debt, friends deserted him, despise him, stealing from him, spreading news about him... oh my god. It's literally everything going wrong. His business that he worked so hard for.. just folded on itself on him, because his partners turned their backs on him. His houses that he worked so hard for... the money he spent buying stuff there... I really don't dare to imagine the level of pain and torture he is going through.... to have no money, no results, no friends, not a single positive thing going here for him, everything just going bad. Why though, why are his so-called friends acting like that?...

maybe i'm too blinded by love to see him for who he actually is... All I know is, he has a kind heart and he really works hard... he does not deserve that much pain... the poor man.... I really really want to be with him, to mend his broken heart and spirit, to help him soar up and achieve high again, to achieve higher and better dreams, to create wealth and enjoy health, to travel, live, love, laugh... how nice if we could be together!

i have absolutely no way of contacting him now. he's deleted his fb and isn't replying to my email, maybe he could not access it.

i don't know... the thought of letting him go,.... all the signs and advice i'm getting is to let go of him.... now that he's gone for at least 5 whole months... i have plenty of time and opportunity to look for someone else and move on... the thought of moving on fills me with tears

i don't want to abandon him!!! i promised i would be there, i will support him!! i want to keep my heart, body and soul, solely for him, untainted by anyone else, all for him...

but of course he isn't going to do the same for me... he never wanted a relationship and never will... so he's the wrong guy if i want to settle down...

but i don't want to settle down! i want to be a 100 year old rocking grandma with tons of energy and climbing mountains at that age! one who lives absolutely fearlessly and happily and strong!

and i want to be able to do all that with him by my side...

i WISH I CAN BE WITH IVAN AND LOVE EACH OTHER FOREVER....................... I WILL BE LOVED AS MUCH AS I LOVE HIM............ AND I WILL BE BLESSED AND LUCKY IN LOVE AS WELL AS ALL OTHER AREAS OF LIFE :) i am loving and grateful, i am kind and beautiful, i am generous and insightful, i am smart and playful, i am sexy and elegant, i am charming and i command presence and attention whenever i speak, because i have an important message to share: I love you and I want you to live well...

we had a good night of food and movie as usual... and he good-naturedly allowed me to stay the night as it was already 12-1am ...

i suddenly remembered seeing the pretty girl kissing him on fb and knowing i have to lay next to him but not touch and have no physical desires, and i can't do it, it is too painful... i could not explain why and ran out the door... he asked why... why are you leaving.. i cried and cried and he followed me to my car and asked where are we going? and sat inside before i opened my door..

i closed my door and cried and cried...

"omg i can't stop crying... Last Friday night, the night before my birthday weekend with my party, I was looking at your facebook and it's what i do, check your page and photos coz i was bored, and i found this girl kissing you... i know it's wrong, you have every right to see - to do whatever you want, i have no right to say anything ...

but it killed me... i didnt want to have my party anymore, i almost canceled it.. (cry somemore) sorry... i must've said sorry 10 times..

he said he has a gift of making more chicks cry than laugh... he must have won an award for making the most chicks cry this year...

he said i dont have to be sorry.. and i already know.. it is very hard for him to get close to anybody... for anybody to understand him... and we talked a bit more and he said so can we go back inside?... as i got out i said i must have attracted what i wished for... i didnt want to get married, i didnt want any children... all i want to do is work, create good work, beautiful work, help someone achieve his dreams...

we went inside, i finally laid next to him to sleep, and suddenly his left hand ran up my right thigh and over ...

i cried again.. why are you touching me for?!? he said for fun...

and we made love again.. first time this year.. since nov last year... during which i said i feel like crying, but - he said oh no you can't cry now, you're feeling pleasure...

and on another night i went over, we made love again... this is so weird... what the hell does he want.. he said 'i just feel like it... when you want to do something just do it... '

but other than phyiscal stuff and then either he's working hard or not talking... nothing else.. i can't meet him and i went to a seminar in the weekend...

and tonight he seems to be really tired of me.. or maybe he's too stressed..

when he went home for a month i could deal with it, only 4-5 weeks, i can wait till he's back and we can sort out projects.. i collected the mail dilligently and reported stuff to him...

this time, he's going back for 5 whole months.... if i got pregnant, my stomach would have been big by then.... but i'm not...

how will i survive this 5 months? will i finally go out and meet new people? will i save my heart for him? will he give me an answer before he leaves? i want to stick by him every moment of the day and night, make every moment count, i want our days to last forever, i don't want him to leave... but he must... there are so many things he wants to accomplish there... and there's that pretty girl over there, she probably misses him....

he did say he's the worst of the lot, i just happened to be so unlucky to meet him..

and i keep telling him he is great... and he did say he would have felt so much better if i tore his clothes apart and started beating him up, instead of crying, but i could never ever hurt him... all i could feel was to be sorry for myself, and sad that he could not love me as much as i love him...

it hurts, when i want him so much, and i know i could not have him, no matter how hard i try.. how many meals i cooked, how many times i drive past, how many times i try to .... i cried to him saying i am trying so hard... and he said you dont have to try at all... i said all the things that i do, they are not fake... i really wanted to give you all those things.. i automatically think of you whenever i have something good... i want to share it with you.... i mean... it's automatic...

he knows.. he knows... oh... i feel like crying again... how am i going to survive this 5 months without him?.... .....

so ... my birthday is coming soon and i have organised a massive party with almost every one of my friends here in melb and my fav activity, karaoke. and after tonight, i feel like retreating into a deep, dark hole, not see anyone, not troubling anyone, feel like canceling the whole thing, or to text him saying, don't worry about Sunday. you are not welcome anymore".

but i know that will send him worrying and feeling angry at me for no reason.

DOESN'T HE KNOW ... I STILL LOVE HIM VERY, VERY MUCH?! it's actually my own fault too.. he only wanted me to work platonically with him... and made it clear that if i dont want to, i can leave....

i stubornly stuck on... i know i am only going to get hurt later...

and even though he didnt do anything to me, he didnt say anything, he was so good and normal...

there's a couple thing going on between him and another tall, beautiful girl... i dont know where she is, but they took pictures together in late sept so must be overseas...

gosh... so he wants to be in Serbia as long as he could...

FUCK THAT... NOW I NO LONGER WANT TO WORK WITH HIM ANYMORE.... it's so shitty.... me just working silently, paying for all the bits and pieces, sacrificing my sleep, my health, my mental health... for months and years now... for what?! just a friendship! in the end he could not be more than a friend... what's all that false hope in the beginning.. what "obviously because i like you".. that was probably true only at the start... maybe he grew to like me less... i dont know.....

why must i be so stupid to keep thinking that my happiness depends on him, one person, of all things in the world?!

i knew my conditions to stop loving him, 1. he died, 2. he tells to my face he hates me. but i never counted in the fact that he might fall in love with someone else. shit.

he knew all along i was a big fool and .... i dont know... he's trying his best to be diplomatic and nice to me since i never stop doing all i can for him... i know he also knows he can't do anything more than be friends with me and he tries to make things cool with insults here and there and reminding me he is entitled to say and feel whatever he wants.. which of course is fair.... who am i to tell him what to do...

i knew from the start he is a free bird who can never be caged....

i knew that somehow i will only be a part of his life, and we will go our separate ways....

now i recall back when in his car, that night he first kissed me... i did say... whatever happens, it will at least be a lesson for me... after all, i am new to the game... i was so willing to take on anything... the first guy i liked that liked me back, that was such a miracle i was so fucking happy and naive,.... now see what it took me to.... a year and more down the line, i am a complete wreck who can do nothing beyond thinking for him and doing all for him. what happened to my ideals, my own ambitions, my culture, my place, my language? i stopped all of that and don't have time for my hobbies, my health, my sanity. i spent so much time crying myself to death. and what for?

it's not like one day he will say to me, hey, i realised how important you are to me, will you please be with me? it's impossible. he'll most likely return to Serbia and have a great time doing all he wants there, There are more than enough reason and things for him to do and accomplish his ambition. He can make money anywhere, he can fuck bitches anywhere. He does not need me or any dramas here. He can leave all his problems behind. I think he should leave Melbourne for good. I can also move on, finally. no more tears. New adventure, bring it on! I shall love a little more carefully this time.

my heart, please, cross his name out. He does not belong in my list anymore. Just one of the past lost loves.

my brain, please stop focusing on a lousy relationship and focus on more important things like how to utilise my intelligence to save the world and people in need. I certainly only experienced a tiny bit of suffering that most people have and are going through. I'm like a baby who cries at every single little thing like my toys not being the same colour or the bird outside is too big. I am so stupid and naive.

Maybe it's best. I have grown so much, thanks to this one guy who have shown me the dark side of the world in a safe way. I'm thankful nothing happened to me, no STD, no pregnancies, no arrests, no nothing yet.

i have about 30 hours of work due in 8 hours time or less. i have so much to cover and so little time. and all i can think of is how uncomfortable my back, stomach, neck, shoulders and hands are and how am i going to face 100+ friends and family back home in 3 day's time and pretend im very good and healthy and happy. i am indeed very far from that. i hardly went out and have a good time this year, i have not played badminton my favourite sport at all, i have not swam, i have not danced. i have not seen my friends since that wedding last sunday, i have not spoken to people, i barely got any exercise. i ate without feeling and consideration. i hate my bloating stomach and sluggish body. my big tummy came back. how am i going to wear a pretty dress. how am i able to smile
how am i able to hold myself through the weekend without breaking down or telling anyone the true storey?

that i have been holding out for so long for something that will never work... that i have been waiting for someone who will never return my feelings... that i have been wasting precious time, energy, money, my youth, my happiness, my laughter, my smile, my positivity... all this year.... and some of last...

how could someone provide so much happiness and excitement in me... someone who made me change around so much,... someone who was such a bright source of inspiration... someone who impacted me so much i made him an utmost priority...

is someone who also affected me so negatively... someone who turned my world upside down.... someone who made me cry incessantly day and night without reason... someone who made me so depressed i struggle to smile... someone who constantly provides me a reason to be sad.... someone who is struggling so much with life himself... someone i can't even comprehend why he's so difficult..

why, why am i still here taking this shit?

why, why am i still working in this shitty company with no feelings for employees only thinking we're robots?

why, why am i staying up all night for the sake of this man who makes no effort to give me what i really want, and he knows it?

why am i always crying?

when will i wake up and walk away?

when?

am i waiting for my parents to slap me, and hug me, and ask me to come home and leave this place forever?

am i waiting for him to come back to me, say sorry, and will love me forever? which of the two are more possible?

i need to grow up and make adult decisions.

how am i going to go through tonight, being sleep deprived and nearly insane and having tons of work to complete, is my current problem....

sigh.

i always come here to complain, which is useless because i don't let anyone read it. i don't wanna complain to my best friend who already knows my story. what's the point. she cant help me. her advice fell on my deaf ears. Leave him, and stop working for him. I need to cut off completely. I need to make new friends. I need to stop this crazy lifestyle and work if I want to avoid falling into depression.

i already feel there is no hope, no source of happiness, all there is, is darkness and gloom, forever and ever... black clouds everywhere, rain unstopping, everything dying around me, there is only sadness and grief.... laughter and joy is nonexistent.... there is nothing that i can feel happy about.... nothing to look forward to.... except his return and the impossible hope of him saying 'i love you, thank you' and a hug and a kiss.... i don't know.... he really isn't worth my million billion amount of effort that im doing right now... any fool will see that... and he's in no place to take on another person with the current crazy state he's in... i understand... he's got way larger astronomical problems than i do.... i mean, if it involves tens of thousands of money and losing assets and the police.... i dont think i will be able to survive just the mental part of it... he's holding out strong... even having the mood to skydive... i hope he will sort out his emotions and mental health being back home for a month...

although i miss him, he absolutely needs a break.... already at this age with drugs and cigarettes and alcohol and still pulling all nighters here and there... i knew men around the world all live the hard knock life... but well.... a little break is needed every now and then to continue life.... sigh....

He only told me on Monday morning, when I slept at 3am and got up at 7.30, that he was flying off that very same night. He wished he wasn't, but he has to. The flight was already booked. He could not pack properly as he had no weighing scale. I could not stand just going home after seeing him briefly at his house with his mom and sis there too. I drove to the airport myself hoping to catch him once more before he went through the gate. He came with Nick and was frantically trying to unpack stuff when his luggage got too heavy. I feel really bad, I made him take out his keyboard and mouse when he didn't need to. Now I have several bags of his stuff at my house, things he could not bring with him.

I wonder how am I going to go through 4 weeks without him. Day 1 is bad. I feel like crying at some point.

I have so much work to do, I feel horrible.

Well, 4 weeks will go by quickly. I hope. I have given him a hundred dollars in cash, I hope he still has it. I hope he won't be angry with me. I hope to finish all the work he's asked me to do. Tonight I will be strong enough to at least email him a 3D model of the project he's asked me to do. And on Friday I will submit the one he's asked me to submit.

for months i have been drowning in self-inflicted pain and depression. i didnt feel enthusiastic about life and neglected my health badly. i didnt exercise, i slept little, i ate shitty foods, i was in a sad mood all the time, i was not living.

i finally had a long talk with him and finally realised i have to let go and depend on myself for happiness, to stop wasting my time working and focus instead on things i really love to do. drawing, creating art. making others happy. he said im retarded to pursue architecture instead when i have this talent in drawing.

my best friend from high school who i used to be really close with and really idolized and loved her whole family.. now she is in terrible shape. i really can't fathom how much pain she is going through right now, as if her life has ended, it is so horrible. i guess i really dont appreciate what ive got till its gone, i should treasure my health more ... how stupid i was to keep crying over something so insignificant...

breakfast of chicken tikka. way too much meat. i was only wanting to pon chan my parents' friends but didnt see them there today.

receptionist, who is fat, ugly and too talkative, remarked that the three of us, 'for someone so good with those computer stuff, would be so useless in everything else' eh excuse me, i was using that fucking stupid program all this while, i did painstakingly took the time to fill out every single thing they asked for, and i counted my time for it too, it is such a tedious job and i did it every single time, what the fuck... i am already feelin very sien about it and she insulted us saying we dont know a thing about it... walao...

next, my crying. i don't know why am i so addicted to crying and misery, i just find some excuse and tear up and start crying like crazy. my breasts hurt, i can't breathe properly, i feel so tired, my eyes are very dry and blurry, now i can't see properly to do my work or to drive ...

i got reminded that i should not hold him responsible for my happiness. it is entirely my own business to feel happy regardless of his actions or inactions. he is free to do whatevs he wants, and he is really happy with his life now that he finally managed to pursue his long-time childhood dream. he kept encouraging me to stand up for myself, chase my own dreams, do what i really love, coz he knows i can make it big, coz he knows i am an amazing person.

and all i hear, all i brood on, is the words 'i never intended to be in a relationship with you in the first place', ' i wanted to tell you to fuck off many times', and 'you should have fucked off a year ago'. and 'i dont want to see you like that, feeling shit and sad and all that' .....

geez... i don't know. i got so hurt from that night i can't even think properly. im still in a very hurtful blur. tearing up so easily all the time. it is already mid may. i am still feeling worse than ever, and i don't know if im bringing this misery upon myself, to keep on enforcing that self-pity exercise, ..... or what... i know, im really immature and crazy to risk my life and health and mental wellbeing over one person like this.... i cant even smile... i cant think happy thoughts.... every time i hear a childhood happy song or think of my dear family and friends, i miss them all so badly and cry even more. i know maybe someday we will all meet again and laugh and have a good time like the old days, but i dont know when will that be, and i dont know if i can make it past this year. im so miserable and dead right now. really really down. i wish there is a shoulder to cry on. i wish i can stop feeling so down.i wish he loves me but he obviously thinks im like a poor little kitten he picked up from the street, from the way he said 'what im doing to you, i would do the same for anyone else'. what, you would kiss and fuck just about any girl on the street that you think is half amazing? whatever happened to 'you are the nicest person ive ever met, how i wish i met you before her...' ... he did say ' i never said i never wanted to take you anywhere, i still wnat to travel... ' but yea, a relationship is out of the question for now, he is pretty resistant to that. already many girls he turned away. he tells me, they all tell him afterwards they shouldnt have waited. in a years time i'll be laughing about it. i shouldnt have waited.

i feel so miserable. i had thought, the more i worked hard, the more effort i put in, the longer i hold on, the more it will pay off,...but he caught me. he said i cant possibly work and expect him to say one day, hey will i stay over tonight.. that is just wrong..

i know that is wrong yet that is exactly wat i want...

for now...

i dont know..... wish i can turn everything off, have a good night's rest, instead of having to face this enormous pile of jobs after jobs with endless tasks to handle and people to face and things to prepare and deadlines to meet and having to behave civil and all .... i have no rest ... cant exactly pamper myself.. cant meet my friends.. cant call anyone... miserable as shit...

last night, bleary-eyed and very sluggish in thinking, he suddenly got into the mood of clearing things up with me, started asking me all the difficult questions, forcing me to think. where do i want to go with this, what do i want to do, why can't i just be myself, and not go out of the way to be so nice to him, i am trying way too hard, and it is wrong. i should not keep hoping for him to turn around and start something with me. HE NEVER INTENDED TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE...

im seriously... im very sad... im always sad.. i havent stopped crying since he made it clear back in january... im so sad.............. i don't know how to get out of this misery.... i want him so bad.... i really don't know what else to do to get him to love me other than just showering him nonstop with kindness and love and undying loyalty and discipline to work and diligence and im killing myself just to get shit done between my day job that's already very taxing..... i dont know how much longer am i able to tahan.... i wish i can care-freely just work on with him with no issues... no... my heart really wants his love..... im doing all that work and my only reward that i want is his love... not money, not success.... i only want him....and he keeps telling me he can't...i can't have him...no,.... he can't be in a relationship with me.. but last night he said he NEVER WANTED ONE anyway.... sheesh.....

he said it was a big mistake trying all those things with me....

im crying again..... maybe he has only been pitying me.... god... i really love him so badly .... this love is ... so damn crazy hard.... this life is so hard..... im trapped..... i want him ..... i wish i can attract some happiness, so that good things can finally happen, but all i think about is how miserable i am being stuck in this situation still working crazily chasing deadlines and yearning for him who doesnt love me back... why la.... i have to stop crying soon, i need to finish all those elevations tonight and im already on the 4th night of 4 hours sleep or less.... im so dead tired and feeling shit.... i wish this will stop soon.... i don't want to cry so much, i don't want to feel so miserable, i don't want him to see me so miserable, i don't want .. i don't want... and i keep attracting all these things i don't want.....

i want to be happy!! i want to be carefree! i want someone to love me, ...i want HIM to love me.... i just want some rest and be at peace again... this is really too hard.... and IM GOING THROUGH EVERYTHING ALONE... i wish i have someone i can just call up and complain to .... i may have a few people.. but i dont wanna trouble anybody.. the last time i cried to my mom on the phone, she flew over immediately.. i dont want anyone to see he's been a jerk to me... i only want to think of him kindly... i really hope he is healthy and happy, he did say he's very happy with his life... im very ... im the opposite.... i mean, all i want now is to be with him that's why im sacrificing so much.... why the fuck cant i get anything that im trying so hard to get..... how much more effort must i put in..... or maybe i just need to wait a little longer... some day.... i'll get out of this misery.... someday, i'll be happy again...... someday we'll both be at peace... i just wish that someday will come sooner. like tomorrow.... i want to smile, be happy, laugh, do what i wanna do..... i don't know what i wanna do...... i thought that staying back and helping him succeed is a pretty good idea and use of my time, as long as he loves me.... no, he doesn't and can't love me, so what do i do now..... maybe it's very very selfish and greedy of me to expect so much... im ...im really .... just maybe addicted to crying and complaining... in this blog where no one will know.... im also so worried that he said he'll write everything down in his will... i don't want him to die, i don't want any accidents, or anything bad to happen.... i want him to live to a ripe old age, having accomplished every single one of his dreams, having lived life to the fullest, having what he really wanted after all, to be free and happy...... let's be happy... let's be happy..... even if we can't be together.... i want the both of us to be happy and living life to the fullest.... i love him so much.... i will never stop trying..... never..... i'll patiently wait it out... i don't know.... oh please... god... stop it already... i should not indulge in so much self pity... i got pretty much a mountain load of stuff to do... cant afford this much time whining and complaining .... i should not have dragged the conversation so long last night... i should have let him sleep.... and myself too.... so tired... so so so tired and weak and unhealthy lately.... i want to be fit, healthy, strong, confident, happy, stand up for myself, be someone important in the world, be lucky and generous and loveable all around... a fb quiz says my purpose in life is to spread joy by simply existing... my subconcsious knows that.... but my current state of mind can't function properly... i can't give joy to others if im not joyful myself.... if i can't get over this hurdle now, how am i gonna perform miracles in future? how am i gonna save the poor children, orphans, victims, the underpriviledged, the animals,.... how am i gonna make my mark in the world... how am i gonna create the art i wanted.... to reach out to everyone and pray and hope the world will slowly change for the better.... some of the many things i know i am here for... i need to do my part...... go go go!!! i can do it!!

been OT-ing past 10pm every single night this week and last fri stayed back till midnight, fucking tired. very sien with the job. actually cried in office today before people went home but no one saw because i closed the door. also felt sick but miraculously got better after maybe drinking water and talking to boy boy.

last night i was at his house. he said to come past after work, i went, and he didn't ans the door, so i bought a pizza coz im hungry, went to meet him (he's at home after all) and we discussed work. he ate my pizza. The highlight was... he said, he is memang working towards trying to employ me full time, because you and i will make miracles together. that would be awesome. but at the moment, it is not enough, even if he left all the drawing to me, still not enough. he asked me what do i want, i said well i dont have such a big ambition to open my own office or something.. and since he has his dreams, i'm happy to help him fulfill them.. he said, he's been trying to tell me... that whatever he is doin now, i can do as well, coz i am so much more better than him.... wow that's a huge compliment.... i mean, he is obviously smarter, braver, more mature and experienced.... and until now i still love him a lot...

when he asked what do i want? ... the obvious answer is 'for you to love me' but i didn't say it... instead i beat around the bush and mumbled about dont know should i open my own office or not, im happy to work for him, and how about i quit my day job and work for him full time -.- i should have said... if he still has feelings for me, i'd be glad to work even for a meager wage, i can always find other part time work to support myself, i mean, money was never a problem... the reason why i worked so bloody hard and long and no breaks and no sleep.. i just wanted to be in his good books, i just hope that eventually he will make space for me in his life, i just hope for the days that we can finally spend together, to earn that stage of relationship... i know he has many goals to achieve and his life is so full of complications and busy stuff he can't even sit down to have a meal... he's so constantly on the go i can't even breathe properly thinking about it... one minute we're having a conversation the next minute the doorbell rings and he has a visitor and we can't talk anymore...

A told me about this girl he seemed to be having sex with in the garage. well, she came by last night. from the sound of their conversation, they seem pretty close and she memang come and go often. i just had this impression that she's now his gf or fuckbuddy or close female friend, and memang comes by often, and ... i just couldn't stand a minute being there anymore. i packed up and left. he seemed pretty pissed having to answer the door for her... and to teman me to the door.. he seemed to have a bad headache trying to say goodbye to me.. well... okay.. i'll leave you two to it... take care....

it's .... well.... i love him a lot.... it sucks to see another woman there that i somehow know is very much in contact with him...

she gave me the vibe that she also doesnt really want me around, fuck off, he's mine... don't know, i might be wrong....

i would have cried but im so numb and silently angry? i don't know. my feelings are slowly turning cold. i don't know. my body is rotting from all the work without exercise or rest. fed up gua. i dono.

lately ive been chatting happily with a new friend. maybe i have gradually found a new source of happiness. i dunno.