What My Worst Breakup Taught Me About Relationships

May 9, 2018

Dealing with a bad breakup is always painful, no matter how old you are. But you know what? It’s even worse when you’re in your twenties because it really sucks when everything gets shattered into pieces – your spirit, dreams, wishes, and deepest desires, together with your young heart that has craved true love for so long.

However, no matter how hard they may be, the fact is that breakups always teach us important lessons. Of course, most romantic souls take every defeat personally, wondering why everything fell apart so quickly. Well, I was one of them, too, and here’s what my worst breakup taught me about relationships.

Without a doubt, breakups are very traumatic

A relationship involves two people – no matter what happens, both partners should take responsibility. That’s true for both good and bad situations, and people who are head over heels in love, like I was, often tend to forget that.

I was the one who used to put all the responsibility on myself whenever something went wrong, without even realizing that it wasn’t about my actions at all in most cases. Whenever his actions hurt me in any way, I always thought about my own actions, trying to understand why he acted in a certain way and what could I possibly do to cause such a reaction. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that it was all my fault, which made me feel so awful, worthless, and discouraged. Whenever he was angry at me, he was behaving like it was all about my fault and not his own insecurities.

I remember trying to surprise him one time by showing up at his door and ringing the doorbell. It wasn’t even that late, probably around 9 p.m. I can’t even describe the fury I saw on his face when he almost started yelling that I shouldn’t be here now because it’s “too late” and he “needs to get up early to study for the upcoming exam.”

Should I mention that I was 21 back then, madly in love with that guy and just wanted to do something nice to show him how much I care? It was our anniversary, and, like all other important dates, it ended up with me crying. So, in the end, I realized that I had increased anxiety whenever any specific date has been approaching. That really sucked. Sometimes, it still does.

If you ask me, I was pretty naïve, and I should have definitely known better. First of all, surprises should be a nice thing and should initiate a lot of hugs, laughs, and kisses, not angry attitude and venomous words. Secondly, love does not include hurting anyone purposely for showing you their love. There is never a bad timing for love.

Unfortunately, it took me a really long time to learn to put myself first and figure out that I deserve much better than that. Yes, this breakup was very traumatic, but after all, I think that this relationship was more traumatic. I got myself to the point where I almost had no friends and felt isolated from the real world. Just me, and my fear of not screwing up again. Fear of a new failure. Pretty bad, if you ask me, any of my friends and family, and my psychologist, too.

Even though I was quite devastated after a breakup, I finally realized that I stayed in that relationship way too long, and I definitely learned that one breakup won’t kill me – but make me finally start living a life, my life.

How to survive a bad breakup?

Breakups really are traumatic, no matter who initiates them. I was the initiator in my case, and, truth be told, I felt like I wasn’t going to survive it at all. It sounds extremely silly and ridiculous from today’s perspective and current point of view, but yes – that’s exactly how I felt back then. I was so fragile and insecure that I didn’t know what to do and how to behave, especially in public, where everyone felt the need to ask me dozens of questions about my failed relationship. That affected me even more negatively than break up itself. It made me start to believe the feeling that I’m a failure even more than I already did and started reflecting in every aspect of my life.

In the end, I needed to admit that I couldn’t handle it all by myself and I accepted the advice to start seeing a therapist. I changed two of them, and a psychologist too until I could tell that I started feeling better. The last one literally saved my life.

She taught me how to accept myself, and how to handle my own emotions with a lot of readings about neuro linguistic programming, and even more cardio. She even made me change my diet. I had to learn how to love and care for my body as well, because the mind and the body work together as a single mechanism. Me finding comfort in junk food and spending days in my pyjamas wasn’t doing me any good. It just made me feel worse.

By taking control of my lifestyle, I felt more in control of my emotions. I saw that I’m capable of doing something great for myself. I ended up realizing I am so grateful for going through that kind of relationship and break up, because in the end, I improved so much.

And once the pain has passed, I started dating again, and I figured out how much I’ve changed – for the better, of course.

It turns out that loss is what actually made me much stronger and it positively affected the development of my personality at the same time. That particular breakup taught me to love myself in the first place because no one else will respect me if I don’t respect myself. It boosted my self-confidence, too. I can also say that nothing is more attractive than someone’s self-esteem complemented by a quick wit, intelligence, and a good sense of humor, so I’ll be sure to keep that once I find it.

What should I do when I feel helpless?

I completely understand that you may feel helpless and devastated after a breakup, but you must remember that your happiness and validation should always come from within. Your health and overall well-being are far more important than staying in a toxic relationship at all costs, so don’t wait any longer to put an end to it.

You should also remember that the pain really does go away at one point, even though it seems impossible in the beginning.

Just make sure you cut all ties with that person after a breakup – delete their phone number, unfollow them from Instagram, stop analyzing their likes, and delete them from Facebook right away, because that’s the only way to move on much quicker. Of course, no one says that this will be a piece of cake – everyone knows that most girls have a really hard time deleting their exes from their lives, no matter how bad or easy their breakup was, which was totally the case with me, too. I was tempted to contact him a dozen times, hoping that he might have changed, but you know what – such jerks never change, and I’m glad I persisted and never reached him again. And I know that you can do it, too!

As you can see, going through a breakup is usually a really painful experience that can sometimes catch you off guard. No matter how and when it happens, just make sure to put yourself first and take your feelings and wishes into consideration, too, because that’s how you’ll come out of it as a true winner!

Scarlet is a passionate writer and regular contributor at highstylife interested in fashion, lifestyle, and health. She loves traveling, you could say that she is a real travel addict, especially when she has a chance to visit some exotic destinations. She would tell you that inspiration can be found in the most unexpected places.

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