Monday, July 30, 2007

There's only one good thing about getting really, really pissed off - Assuming of course you don't have some weird predilection to masochism or telemarketing. No, to my mind the ONLY thing good about seeing something you despise is being able to add the incident to your personal 'pet hates' list.

I am very proud of my personal pet hates list. I've been compiling it for quite some time, but I guess that comes with the territory of being a connoisseur of the annoying. And being annoying. And generally wanting to pass on negative thoughts to your fellow man. Which brings me to my list.

1. The wearing of sunglasses indoors. As far as I'm concerned, nothing says 'target me for human culling' more than a pair of daintily worn indoor shades.

2. The yelling of 'taxi!' when someone drops a drink in a bar. Yo, funny man, for your next trick you gonna to squirt us with your plastic lapel flower? Newsflash comic genius, everyone in this bar has heard that one before. Like, 20 times. If you want to make us laugh, try head butting that wall. Sure, we've seen that one before too, but it's STILL funny! Take a note.

3. Indecision at the bottom of an escalator. You know how it goes, someone stops dead, puts their finger up to their mouth and goes 'Hmm! Now where did I want to go?', thereby making everyone behind them go into flailing arm type evasive action in a supreme effort not to be involved in a multi-body pile up. The only exception to this rule is old people, who are neither nimble footed enough nor lightning witted enough to not get in people's way.

4. Walking really slowly down a street with your whole extended family in one long line. Impossible to get past. Now, call me a blustery be-there-5-minutes-ago kinda guy, but surely strolling should be reserved for lake-walking lovers and amputees?Now, I've never ever been accused of exaggeration before (ever), but people who walk slowly in busy thoroughfares are the public relations equivalent of the Ebola virus. The bad one. I think it's Ebola Zaire. Slightly reduced mortality rate I believe, but then you can use statistics to prove anything.

5. The wearing of polo collars in the upright position. DIE. Cheers!

6. [NEW!] Visiting the the Picasso Museum in Paris, looking at My Favourite Picasso Painting for two seconds, trying to take a crap phone picture of it for 15 seconds, then walking off admiring the phone. There's really nothing funny about that at all. It made me angry, then sad, then sleepy.

That's all for now. Hearty apologies for venting my frustrations in this manner - but for some reason I now feel curiously refreshed. There's definitely something to be said for the soapbox styled sharing of one's issues.

Tune in next week when I discuss all of the most disgusting bacterial infections I've had to suffer through. Sure to be something in that for everyone!

27 comments:

Hi there StumblorLike your list of hates - my previous ones can be found on:http://blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.com/2007/05...but I'll now add 'tradies who say they'll come at 7am, but turn up at 10am, drink three coffees and then stand around their bobcat because it refuses to start."

Oh, Maxine has helped me to bring up (woah, pass the bucket) today's pet hate! Maxine, that was the Gentleman at the Pub's delightfully dry sense of humour. So, my pet hate is having to SPELL OUT when one is being humorous or lighthearted. I hate people taking me seriously when I'm not being serious. It makes me feel... all... serious!

I think your list is terribly sensible Davey. Plus ta for the link to the painting - I love it. BTW, how large is the canvas (cause I reckon big would look great)? [Hope you don't mind but I must press upon you to at least share this minimal amount of knowledge whilst you're showing off about visiting art museums in Paris!] *grumble grumble*

Tism (This Is Serious, Mum) – clearly the most important ism after all.

Even MORE importantly – cold?? COLD? Oh, Davey. Did you really think I wouldn’t check back to see what that eighth comment was? Silly Man.:)

And anyway, not AAALLLL of us like our variations on blue & green mixed with glaring, crashing orange, y’know. I just happen to prefer the more subtle arrangements, like the restful tones of Woman Lying Down (http://www.artst.org/picasso/1954+-+Woman+Lying+Down.jpg), or even the metallic, mechanised Kitchen (http://www.artst.org/picasso/1948+-+The+Kitchen.jpg). But if it really is colour you’re after, how bout The Dawn? Bright, purdy colours plus cute serenade-y theme – in a word, dandy:http://www.artst.org/picasso/1965+-+The+Dawn.jpg

Listen hear young man. My darling Eleanor was not 'ragging out' anyone (as you young whipper snappers like to put it, vile expression if you ask me). My little petal blossom was being polite and surely was genuinely grateful for Maxine's segue. She is a lovely girl and butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.

oohofbh: Ouch! Completely busted AND put in my place. I must concede that your Picasso choices do lend themselves a certain, how you say, chaaarm, however on this occasion I am sticking to my guns. Boy with Truck all the way.

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Foodstinct is where brain meets braun - a foodie's guide on how to freestyle in the kitchen.

Passed out Guy, joining the ranks of moshzilla in the giffing hall of fame and easily the funniest thing I've read in months.

London street art gets even more inventive, with the appearance of the Decapitator. Old St, Shoreditch High Street.

Old codgers finally get a taste of the social networking action with the retiree aimed release of PensionBook.

Shasta Rae? Stryder Denver? Chastity, Blaize, Flower? Get the low down on whether those 'unique' baby names of yours are merely latent cruelty tactics in Baby's named a bad bad thing.

You know how you're always going on about wanting to
name a whale? Well bug me no more, as Greenpeace get all anthropomorphic on yo' ass. Before you vote, have a guess which name has already cornered 63% of the vote.

Batleb and Robin eat kebabs and battle the forces of evil as only they know how. Fancy someone having a crack at done-to-death wog humour and actually being funny.

Word of mouth is travelling fast about a new restaurant in London, and is quickly getting a reputation… for being awful: Devo. Definitely my next date location.

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Pretending to Read

Hyperion (Dan Simmons) 30 Jan - As Johnny hastily defends, Hyperion is not Sci Fi - it's fashionably challenged literature. I had a rather embarrassing incident trying to explain it's premise to a rather cute med student who was 'lancing' my infected finger. In essence I came across as a science fiction nerd who does unclean things with his digits. Ah charm, I knew thee well. Anyway the book is good. If you can handle not impressing med students.

Love in the Time of Cholera (Gabriel Garcia Marquez) 25 Dec - As Eleanor observed, the characters Marquez paints seem realer than reality. Elegant, magical insight, if a little distant and hard to lose yourself in. Now eager to attempt 100 Years of Solitude.

The Power of One (Bryce Courtney)28 Oct - Felt I needed to re-read one of my favourite books of all time. What hurt this time around is that Hymie annoyed me. May need to read Tandia now to get the feeling back.

Carter Beats the Devil (Glen David Gold)30 Sep - Quit. Accidentally read a review and realised I was reading what amounted to shit.

Such a Long Journey (Rohinton Mistry)
20 Oct - I preferred this one to 'A fine balance'. Brilliantly written and paced, he's an author that has taught me so much Indian culture, history, and family life.

31 Songs (Nick Horby)
5 Oct - One of my favourite authors. If you don't find some new music while reading this, then you're obviously listening to Brittany.

Me Talk Pretty One Day (David Sedaris)
30 Sept - Flew through this. A great read from a great writer. Had me laughing loudly in the train and embarrassing myself. A birthday gift from May, who I thank for introducing me to Sedaris.

The Pleasure of Finding Things Out (Richard P. Feynman)
15 Sept - Great. Feynman, despite being involved with the Manhattan Project, still comes across as being playful and wise. A Recommendation from my dear friend Frances, who I met in Edinburgh.

How to Get Rich (Felix Dennis)
06 Sept - Don't ask what I was thinking at the time, but actually a really really good read. Dennis is a poet, and he knows it.