There are MANY members of my close and extended family who have all reserved their places in Etiquette Hell. This one is for my aunt T, who is my mother’s younger sister, and the middle one at that.

Just for a little background, T has always been the sister who has to be better than anyone in the family. Material possessions and her image have always been more important than anything else. She even extends this to her husband and her somehow still wonderful awesome kids, who are my favorite cousins, even though they are much younger than I am.

T lives WELL above her means, and anytime one of her two sisters buys a new house or car, T has to buy one bigger, better and more expensive. No matter that the other two buy because it’s needed, T still has to look better. She is also not the most thoughtful or tactful person. Here are just two examples, although there are SO many more!

Christmas two years ago- I had given birth to my first child (a premature daughter) less than a year before. During this pregnancy, I had so many health problems pop up, almost all potentially fatal and dangerous to either me or my daughter. Due to thyroid issues, I had gained 80+ lbs during the pregnancy, even though I was always horribly sick and my food would not digest properly, if at all. I was on all kinds of medicine that they put cancer patients on for food digestion, nausea, pain, etc.

Well, that Christmas, I had lost some of the weight, but was still trying to lose more. The only time I really see T any more is at family gatherings, even though we live close to one another. So that year, we had all traveled to my grandmother’s house and the next year they would travel south to stay with us. Her teenage daughter, K, and I are sitting at the dining room table talking, when she tells me about a friend of T’s who wanted to lose weight. She was telling me that the friend was using the metal ear piece to lose the weight and that it was helping her. T walks into the kitchen with my mother. The whole family, including my husband who is holding our baby, is right there. K asks T about the ear piece for me and what does T say? “Well maybe if she’d get off of her fat, lazy a** and do some house work, she’d lose some of that fat.” Everyone just sat there, stunned. I simply got up, walked out into the cold and sat in my dad’s truck crying. My husband came outside and sat with me. He tells me that as soon as I walked out, K, my mom and my grandma, God bless her, all start jumping down T’s throat. My grandmother told her that for “someone who has so much ‘big city class’ you seem more like ‘big city trash’. Asharah's comment: I hear cheering! I know that it was hard for grandma to tell her daughter that, but I appreciated her sticking up for me. What hurt the most was that I’m a clean person and I take care of my home. The ONLY time that she set foot in our apartment was right after my emergency c section when I was only allowed to do light cleaning on doctor’s orders until I was recovered. When I found out that she was coming over, I had jumped up and started to try to make everything perfect and ripped my stitches open! I ended up having to go and get them sewn back up! But did she care? Of course not! Asharah's comment: Not the smartest move LW could have made.

Skip to last year’s Christmas, one year later. Grandma and Grandpa, Aunt A and her family have made the trip down to spend Christmas with us. Due to home size and space, Grandma and Grandpa are staying with us and A is stuck at T’s house full of no touchables with 4 rowdy kids (including two toddlers). We all go over to T’s house Christmas day b/c there was simply “no other place good enough” to hold the gift opening. Asharah's comment: And everyone agreed to this? T’s SIL is there, making the whole family’s Christmas miserable. We all leave early, except for my poor grandparents, who are due to leave with A a few hours later.

Well, my grandfather is a diabetic with other health problems. When we were leaving in seperate cars for T’s house, I realize that his insulin is in the fridge, so I carefully transport it with us so that grandpa can have it as soon as he needs it. I put it her fridge, trying to make sure that it won’t be jostled, as it is VERY fragile. After eating, Granpa takes his standard dosage and puts it back in the fridge. We leave after giving everybody hugs and kisses and head for home. Soon after getting to my mother’s house, grandma calls us weeping. T went into the fridge and ended up knocking her father’s insulin to the floor, shattering the bottle and ruining the insulin that was left until they made it back home. T made grandma clean up the mess, never apologized and didn’t offer to pay for it, even though that with his medicare he still had to pay $70 a pop for it! So grandma had to call it in as an emergency and pay over $30 dollars extra to have it filled on CHRISTMAS DAY! So now, they are out of money for gas and food on a 6 1/2 hour trip! Mom rushes over and gives grandma the money so that they can make it home. Grandma sends her a check when they arrive home, but T has yet to apologize or even offer to compensate for the vital medicine and still complains about how rude Grandma was to try to extort money out of her on a day such as Christmas! Asharah's comment: Interesting how somebody like that has the nerve to call somebody else rude! I expect that will be the last time T gets to host a holiday gathering.1028-08

I hope after last year's Christmas experience at Aunt T's, they, especially the grandparents, vow two things: 1.) That would be the last time for a long, long time (if at all) a holiday is spent at T's. 2.) Any upcoming occasion to give gifts to T, including the following Christmas, would consist solely of a nice card.

Why did the letter writer risk damage to her surgucal wounds? either she should have told T not to come over, or left the place as it was.

Was T aware that LW had put the insulin in her fridge? (LW does not mention it.) granted, T could have have been more sympathetic or helpful once a vital drug had been damged but did she she had to "watch out" for a fragile vial had been put in her fridge. Moreover, where was it placed?

The LW sounds like me with company... if people are coming over, my house must be pristine (this excludes close friends who have seen my slob side). If it's my mother, I will spend over a week scrubbing everything in the house, down to pulling out the fridge and washing the coils on the back (yes, really). So if I had a critical family member coming for a visit, I'd likely be up and about scrubbing and cleaning, surgery or no. It isn't the smartest thing, but that's just how it is for some people.

Why did the letter writer risk damage to her surgucal wounds? either she should have told T not to come over, or left the place as it was.

Was T aware that LW had put the insulin in her fridge? (LW does not mention it.) granted, T could have have been more sympathetic or helpful once a vital drug had been damged but did she she had to "watch out" for a fragile vial had been put in her fridge. Moreover, where was it placed?

I was wondering the same thing about both of those points. If T is the critical, non-sympathetic person she seems to be, I would have firmly told her 'no' to a visit immediately after a procedure. I would have waited until I had healed, had time to adjust to the new baby, and got the house straightened before she would be allowed inside the home. I can't imagine risking serious injury to pick up the house for an uninvited and unwanted guest.

My first thought was the OP should have asked T where the medicine would be put. To prepare for guests on a holiday, there is a lot to be done, so somebody rummaging around their refrigerator is pretty likely to happen. I really can't blame T if she had no idea it was in there. Making her grandmother clean it up and apologizing about the accident makes her seem unsympathetic about it.

Why did the letter writer risk damage to her surgucal wounds? either she should have told T not to come over, or left the place as it was.

Was T aware that LW had put the insulin in her fridge? (LW does not mention it.) granted, T could have have been more sympathetic or helpful once a vital drug had been damged but did she she had to "watch out" for a fragile vial had been put in her fridge. Moreover, where was it placed?

I was wondering the same thing about both of those points. If T is the critical, non-sympathetic person she seems to be, I would have firmly told her 'no' to a visit immediately after a procedure. I would have waited until I had healed, had time to adjust to the new baby, and got the house straightened before she would be allowed inside the home. I can't imagine risking serious injury to pick up the house for an uninvited and unwanted guest.

My first thought was the OP should have asked T where the medicine would be put. To prepare for guests on a holiday, there is a lot to be done, so somebody rummaging around their refrigerator is pretty likely to happen. I really can't blame T if she had no idea it was in there. Making her grandmother clean it up and apologizing about the accident makes her seem unsympathetic about it.

The problem comes from the fact that not everyone has the spine needed to repel people like T.

Yes, sure, it'd be nice to say something like "Begone from my house!" but many of us will just choke when the moment comes or similarly become doormats.

I don't think it's particularly fair to blast the LW about that, lest we just chalk it up to "She was asking for it" and move on.

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The problem comes from the fact that not everyone has the spine needed to repel people like T.

Yes, sure, it'd be nice to say something like "Begone from my house!" but many of us will just choke when the moment comes or similarly become doormats.

I don't think it's particularly fair to blast the LW about that, lest we just chalk it up to "She was asking for it" and move on.

Exactly. OR since T sounds a lot like my mom who has on occasion come over no matter what and just waltzed into my house because they took the spare key out of the fake rock in our yard. Saying no may just not have worked.

The problem comes from the fact that not everyone has the spine needed to repel people like T.

Yes, sure, it'd be nice to say something like "Begone from my house!" but many of us will just choke when the moment comes or similarly become doormats.

I don't think it's particularly fair to blast the LW about that, lest we just chalk it up to "She was asking for it" and move on.

Exactly. OR since T sounds a lot like my mom who has on occasion come over no matter what and just waltzed into my house because they took the spare key out of the fake rock in our yard. Saying no may just not have worked.

I've been in situations whre I've been railed roaded by someone else, but OP had more to lose: i.e. keeping her stitiched intact. What I was saying before was either she should have left have left the house alone or told her not to come over. I'm not blaming the OP for T's rudeness but I can't help thinking she put herself at a lot of risk, for someone she knows does not care about other people.

The problem comes from the fact that not everyone has the spine needed to repel people like T.

Yes, sure, it'd be nice to say something like "Begone from my house!" but many of us will just choke when the moment comes or similarly become doormats.

I don't think it's particularly fair to blast the LW about that, lest we just chalk it up to "She was asking for it" and move on.

Exactly. OR since T sounds a lot like my mom who has on occasion come over no matter what and just waltzed into my house because they took the spare key out of the fake rock in our yard. Saying no may just not have worked.

I've been in situations whre I've been railed roaded by someone else, but OP had more to lose: i.e. keeping her stitiched intact. What I was saying before was either she should have left have left the house alone or told her not to come over. I'm not blaming the OP for T's rudeness but I can't help thinking she put herself at a lot of risk, for someone she knows does not care about other people.

Sadly, such is the cycle of abuse. Enablers such as the LW will put themselves into indirect harm (in this case, popped stitches) to appease the Abuser. I say indirect because it was the LW's actions that led to the injury, rather then say, the LW cutting herself open.

Often times Enablers and the Abused do not put Action to Consequence unless the Consequence has something to do with the Abuser. In this case "If I clean the house for T, she might not yell at/insult me" rather then "If I clean the house for T, my stitches will pop out."

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This drill will open a hole in the universe! And that hole will be a path for those behind us! The dreams of those who've fallen! The hopes of those who'll follow! Those two sets of dreams weave together in a double helix! Drilling a path towards tomorrow!

The problem comes from the fact that not everyone has the spine needed to repel people like T.

Yes, sure, it'd be nice to say something like "Begone from my house!" but many of us will just choke when the moment comes or similarly become doormats.

I don't think it's particularly fair to blast the LW about that, lest we just chalk it up to "She was asking for it" and move on.

Exactly. OR since T sounds a lot like my mom who has on occasion come over no matter what and just waltzed into my house because they took the spare key out of the fake rock in our yard. Saying no may just not have worked.

I've been in situations whre I've been railed roaded by someone else, but OP had more to lose: i.e. keeping her stitiched intact. What I was saying before was either she should have left have left the house alone or told her not to come over. I'm not blaming the OP for T's rudeness but I can't help thinking she put herself at a lot of risk, for someone she knows does not care about other people.

Sadly, such is the cycle of abuse. Enablers such as the LW will put themselves into indirect harm (in this case, popped stitches) to appease the Abuser. I say indirect because it was the LW's actions that led to the injury, rather then say, the LW cutting herself open.

Often times Enablers and the Abused do not put Action to Consequence unless the Consequence has something to do with the Abuser. In this case "If I clean the house for T, she might not yell at/insult me" rather then "If I clean the house for T, my stitches will pop out."

good point. I think I've become such a reformed enabler that I've done done a 360 and become completely immune to being railroaded. young Gadget--gal would have injured herself to and fell angry at herself for letting someone walk all over her (without trying to stop it) ... Reformed Gadget--gal gal would tell T point blank " I'm sorry you can't come round today". Trouble is Young Gadget--gal is a very distant memory, now

About the C-section stitches... After I had Baby Snewt, I had a hard time remembering that I had to not do things (like vacuum) because I'd hurt myself. But every time I had company DH and I would do what we could to make the house company ready. It wasn't my visitors' fault we were doing this... it was us putting it on ourselves.

And as far as the insulin... The hostess wasn't very graceful about it breaking but it seemed to me that it very likely could have been an accident that it fell.

I am insulin dependent and I keep my vials in the fridge. And many times I have had the plop out. (they now are kept in a box, less likely to fall) I have never had a vial break, but it is always a worry.

It is easy to see such an accident happen. But what is not easy is her response. Ugg. No care of concern for the grandparents. She will one day get her comeuppance.

I am insulin dependent and I keep my vials in the fridge. And many times I have had the plop out. (they now are kept in a box, less likely to fall) I have never had a vial break, but it is always a worry.

Exactly. Unless some vials for human insulin are considerably more fragile than those for animal insulin, they're not "VERY fragile"; they're no more fragile than anything else made of glass, and possibly less so than, say, a drinking glass. Yes, I can see one shattering if it was dropped just the wrong way on a ceramic tile floor, but normally they just bounce on ordinary vinyl kitchen flooring.

I keep Willow's insulin vial in a plastic medicine container, just as it comes from the vet. Less chance of breakage and it keeps the bottle cleaner than just shoving it in the fridge naked. And that lives in a plastic bag with the needles, and the whole assembly is kept in the fridge door, where it can't be accidentally knocked out.

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Common sense is not a gift, but a curse. Because thenyou have to deal with all the people who don't have it. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am insulin dependent and I keep my vials in the fridge. And many times I have had the plop out. (they now are kept in a box, less likely to fall) I have never had a vial break, but it is always a worry.

It is easy to see such an accident happen. But what is not easy is her response. Ugg. No care of concern for the grandparents. She will one day get her comeuppance.

I've shattered 2 vials of my dog's insulin by having it fall out of the fridge. I now keep the insulin and a package of needles in a small rubbermaid container. Much easier to transport too, if we're taking the dog somewhere. I just pop the container in a small cooler with some ice and off we go.