January 11, 2013

Because it’s flu season, I’ve decided to offer guidelines on when to call in sick.

Others have been offering guidelines, as well, but they’re all pretty much useless.

For one thing, they tend to ignore the psychological and social implications of coming to
work sick. Also, they’re too general. I will correct those shortcomings.

Of course, I am assuming that you have sick leave. In this age of contract employees and
part-time work, I probably shouldn’t.

But if you do, here are my guidelines:

1. If you can’t speak above a whisper, or if you sound like Donald Duck, stay home. Even if
you’re not otherwise sick, people will think you are. Come back when you sound like Marlon Brando
in
The Godfather.

2. If time spent in the bathroom will exceed 25 percent of the workday and require mad dashes
through the aisles, stay home. No one wants to think about what you’re doing in there.

3. If you develop a bad cough that’s not infectious, take a day off to show that you aren’t
oblivious to the health concerns of other. They’ll think you’re contagious, even if you aren’t.
Once you’ve established that you really care about your coworkers, then it’s OK to go to work.

4. Headaches and upset stomachs on Mondays raise the suspicion of hangover. Try to time them
better.

5. If something requires crutches, slings or casts, go to work. The sympathy you get will
more than make up for the inconvenience you experience.

6. Anything with a reference to red in its name (pink eye, scarlet fever, rubella) is good
cause to stay home.

7. Putting in an appearance at work just to establish the fact that you’re really too sick to
be there can be an effective strategy – for you. For others, it can be an effective way to inhale
viruses.