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Friday, January 7, 2011

like they say, all good things come to an end. luckily, that's not what's happening here whatsoever. in fact, this good thing is hopefully going to be made into an even good-er thing over at wordpress. i have been updated.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

i've been told i give good advice. i've also been told i'm the epitome of someone who gives good advice, but won't listen to it themselves.

so, with that, i decided to scope out advice columns online and answer some of the questions that are sent to them in my own way. i'm not gonna sugar coat it, i'm probably not going to be reasonable, and i most likely wouldn't be telling these people what they want to hear. but, that's the harsh reality of asking me life's hard questions (which they didn't - i've just decided to interject my opinions because i think it's fun).

case #1 - brought to us by a magazine that rhymes with Flamour: "My boyfriend of 2 years likes to watch porn at night when he thinks I'm sleeping. It makes me feel like I'm not enough for him, like the girls in the videos have something that I don't. I've told him that it hurts me when he watches porn, but he blows it off like it's not a big deal."

hmmm.... run. run away as fast as you can (to quote Mr. West). this dude is FUCKED UP. i understand men and porn, i do. i get why and how and where and when they're drawn to it. however, the fact this guy is in a solid relationship where he is consistently (supposedly) getting sex from his extremely faithful girlfriend yet still has this need to watch dirty men and ladies (or ladies and ladies or men and men or ladies and men and animals!!!) at night, after his lover girl has frolicked off to slumberville (OR SO HE THINKS) is just fucking creepy. lemme tell you this; if i woke up in the middle of the night, and my boyfriend was enjoying a full-length feature of boobs and penises and naughty things, i'd be all like "GO WATCH THAT SHIT IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT, WITHOUT ME, FOREVER. YEAH!"

the bottom line here is: even if you aren't frisky enough for him in the sack, he a) isn't man enough to tell you and help you both improve, which means your communication with each other blows and b) that's no excuse for being that engrossed in the porn industry right in front of your sleeping face. this is a species we like to call douche baggerus extremateus with a booblicious addictius.

case #2 - comes to us from a website i found called Ask April. i'm already screwing up my process, but i needed to show you guys what April looks like:

this is my initial reaction to April:

okay, so the issue i found was as follows:

Dearest Blonde Cat Lady,If a guy tells you that he is not ready for a relationship does he mean that he is not interested in being with that person, or that he doesn't want to commit to that person. As you can see, I need some dating advice badly.Sincerely,What’s He Really Saying?

it means that he wants sexy time with you whenever he desires, but doesn't wanna have to buy you breakfast, lunch and dinner and he most CERTAINLY doesn't want to have to drop $20 on fucking movie tickets. maybe i'm not being fair, though. there's a list of other things he could be saying by saying this:

-he wants to be free to sleep with whoever he wants
-he wants to continue to be able to drink beer and do guy stuff on the weekends with no obligation to you
-you're annoying
-you're cute and you're pretty and you're pretty cute, but he's too distracted by his penis to want to do anything with that besides have sex with it
-he doesn't want the responsibility that is you
-he's a douche
-did i mention as long as you're sleeping with him with slim to no argument, what does he have to work for?

now, i could be wrong. but in my experience, and in talking with multiple other ladies like myself, i have found that men really aren't that difficult. whereas girls are completely insane, men are simple: if they want you, they want you. if they don't want you, they don't want you. shrug. next!

case #3 - from Go Ask Alice!:

Dear Alice,

I'm the peacemaker among my friends, the introverted listener. But lately I find myself dealing with my friends and their problems more than ever...It seems like I'm walking around with the weight of the world on my shoulders...Don't get me wrong, I like being trusted and thought wise for advice I give, but sometimes I know I'm just being used.

bitch, listen. your friends are CRAZY. you are not. i'm sorry you have to bear that burden, but you didn't give yourself a choice. you decided to be a normal, seemingly well-rounded and level-headed person. don't you know crazies, like myself, flock to calm people like you? maybe if you flip shit one day and start beating your chest and ram sack your friend's apartment, all the while screaming "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! ALL YOU BITCHES ARE FUCKING NUTS! I HAD A MONSTER OF AN INGROWN HAIR LAST WEEK, BUT DID I COME CRYING TO YOU AND TURN IT INTO AN HOUR-LONG DISCUSSION ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD? NO!!!" maybe THEN they'd back down. but, like i said - you're stuck, dude. should've thought about all this before you decided to be the nice one.

and that concludes our first volume of "evaluating life with emma." feedback to this entry is encouraged.

Monday, January 3, 2011

hey, guys. it's the new year. and you know what that means....... time for me to write my first post of 2011 and give you a smorgasbord of thoughts to think on.

i'll call this segment:

White Wine! Out of a Green Bamboo Cup with Emmaaaa

i hope you all know i have a very certain melody to my jingles. maybe i'll take a video of me singing them some day soon. but, for now, we'll stick with the stills and concentrate on what i have to write about.

first off, 2010 was a shitty year. if you don't agree and had a pretty great year, not only do i dislike you, but i think you need to analyze it deeper, because i really don't believe this past year could've been that good for anyone. it was one of those years with bad karma, bad vibes, bad feelings - bad, bad, bad. if you're with me and am welcoming 2011 with high hopes and good feelings, raise your glass (i'll raise my plastic bamboo cup) and say HERE HERE!

now, the 2011 smorgasbord:

--best quotes i've heard in 2011 thus far are as follows:

1) while in a nicer than usual retail store: (middle-aged woman on her cell phone) "i really want some great italian food tonight. what if we met at olive garden? ya know, wine and breadsticks? something really good like that."
1b) while in anthropologie, walking past a group of teenagers on a couch: "ooo can we stop by chipotle?" "yeah sure! on the way back from my ortho appointment."

--alex baze, the senior writer of weekend update on SNL, is a natural mood-lifter and hilarious follow on twitter. if you're not already tracking his tweets, i suggest you do so. he's hysterical and has one of the finest mustaches i've ever laid virtual eyes on.

i spent the better half of my actual New Year's day curled up in a ball on my couch, watching the fat lady sing loudly "this is my new CABLE NETWOOOOOOOORK!!! IT'S GONNA BE THE BEST CABLE NETWORK IN AMERICAAAA!" and it just might be. with a variety of self-help shows that the Queen herself hand-picked for her station, it's addicting just like everything else she's ever done. my personal favorite? in the bedroom with dr. laura berman (are you surprised?) dr. berman has appeared several times on oprah's original talk show, but this is her own series that focuses on a sexless and troubled married couple every week. it's fascinating and really depressing - only the best kinds of shows to veg out to and cry over.

and my last addition to the smorgasbord:

i put warm white christmas lights in my fireplace to plug in at night and they're really awesome and fun (thanks, allie).

i hope you took advantage of the "bord" and are so full you can't move. you might wanna take some gasX to help digest.

Who Am I?

it's been a couple years since college now, but that doesn't mean life is any clearer. it's a rough world out there and i want to help your coping mechanisms. so you know what i'm gonna do on this thing? let you in on how i view life as it is right now. may it enlighten you but, more importantly, make you laugh.