Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.

Spartacus: Super Gaul XLV

Get it? Because Sunday was the 45th Super Bowl, and Crixus is a Gaul in Ancient Rome who happens to be super… Yeah, you get it.

Originally, when I heard the title of the episode was “Paterfamilias,” my brain immediately jumped to the only pop culture frame of reference I have for that term, O Brother, Where Art Thou, but I already made that reference last year. Curses! Oh well, that doesn’t mean we can’t take a moment to watch The Soggy Bottom Boys perform their hit song real quick. Now that that’s out of my system, let’s move on and talk about Spartacus, shall we?

The show kicks off right where we were last week, with Batiatus, Lucretia, and Gaia still partying like they’re in Seaside, when Batiatus’ dad, Titus, surprises everyone who didn’t see the title of the episode by showing up and catching them wasting perfectly good wine doing a sloppy round of naked body shots. Titus is all disappointed in Batiatus’ behavior which is surprising if just because I imagine dads today would be all fist bumps! and high fives! and twiiins! Where was I? Right, so Titus is all upset with Batiatus for shaming his family’s name with his actions, especially when it comes to the ludus. Titus isn’t at all happy his son gained Galacticus the honor of the primus, because Varus never chooses gladiators outside of Ethan Bortnick And His Musical Time Machine‘s family ludus. Titus recognizes that The House of Batiatus should know it’s place in society, and Batty is stepping outside of it. So Daddy’s here to fix that and make you a big pile of nothing again! Yay! This will go well for Titus!

While the two of them head to town so Titus can sort things out/ruin everything, the gladiators train their little hearts out. It’s kinda mostly what you expect. Ashur and Anthrax Beard don’t fit in, even after getting the mark of the brotherhood, with Barca and his bf Auctus peeing in their porridge again. I’m glad we’ve moved past peeing on people and stuck to just peeing on food. Ah, progress. Speaking of Auctus, this is all a very Auctus-heavy episode which, if I’ve learned anything from watching 16 cycles of America’s. Next. Top. Model, it’s that any side character who suddenly gets a whole load of facetime is about to return to their house, pack up their belongings, and. Go. Home. Couple that with Crixus’ endlessly pouty training throughout the whole episode (see above photo), it’s clear only one of these two will continue on in the hopes becoming Capua’s Next Top Gladiator.

Varus drops in on Lucretia and Gaia as a sort of surprise visit, and Varus tells them he brought a sleazy, shiny-faced friend who I’m pretty sure discovered the Ancient Roman equivalent of botox. I don’t have a picture of him, but imagine if one of the Ninja Turtles wore a mask of that obnoxious kid who annoyed Dr. Grant at the beginning of Jurassic Park. (You’re welcome.) Varus is pretty convinced the ludus is just a brothel at this point and tells Lucretia if she doesn’t let Shiny Friend partake in the fun, he’ll remove Galacticus from the primus. So rather than join Titus in ruining everything for Batty, she complies and ruins the innocence of one of her handmaidens. It’s pretty terrible. I can’t even tell you how jaw-droppingly awful everything about this situation was. I’m just going to move on, as I hope the poor girl, Diona, is able to. I’d say “At least this didn’t happen to Naevia,” but it really shouldn’t have happened to anyone. Stop letting these things happen, Lucretia!

Alright, so remember how all of that meant Varus would keep Galacticus on as primus? Good news! It was totally pointless! Because out in Capua, Batty’s dad gets all apologetic to Ethan Bortnick and Tullius, and turns the primus over to them. This after Ethan Bortnick says Batty’s men killed His Musical Time Machine, but Batty’s like “Did you see faces? Did they have my mark? PWN3D!” and storms out of there at daddy’s behest. Titus tells him Galacticus is out of the games, and, as an apology, they will have a few of their own men fight each other in the arena that afternoon. Which men, you might ask? Barca against Gnaeus, and … Crixus against Auctus. Caaalled iiit. The two return to the ludus where they find the gladiators in a giant fight pile (except Crixus, who calls it a fight amongst brothers), all started because Ashur and Anthrax Beard ate Auctus’ & Barca’s pet pigeons. Real nice, guys.

The fights at the arena begin with Barca and Gnaeus, naturally, and it’s pretty cut and dry. They toss each other around a bit and Barca gets a small gash on his stomach. At one point, Barca tosses Gnaeus up into the crowd, which was sort of awesome. Barca and Gnaeus end their fight, with Barca winning and Varus allowing Gnaeus to live. Yay!

As that’s happening, Batty joins Lucretia and Gaia in the stands, after giving a very touching “Go get ’em, Tiger” speech to Crixus, who really needs the constant pep talks because he just won’t stop moping about. Titus stands up (after coughing up a lung or two) and announces Crixus and Auctus, and the Fight of the Silly Hats!

Anyway, Crixus struggles when fighting against anyone with a spear, having never dealt with them in real combat before joining the ludus. Galacticus gave him a pep talk (tons of pep talks for Crixus!) earlier, telling him that if he can get the spear out of Auctus’ hands, he’ll only have one weapon (his shield? His fist? His silly hat?), and Crixus will have the upperhand. After a lot of jostling about, Crixus is on the ground, and Auctus rams his spear through Crixus’ shield, landing just inches short of his face. Remembering Galacticus’ words, Crixus pulls out some crazy strength and snaps the spear in half with his shield and tosses Auctus to the side. They wrestle about, and Crixus, having lost his own silly hat, decides Auctus should lose his too and rips it off. This is a mistake because the focus on appearances gives Auctus a chance at grabbing a sword and the two stab at each other, each making the “Oh God, did I just get stabbed?” Face. Auctus tells Crixus that Barca has taught him well, having been his constant sparring buddy, and falls to the ground.

Once back at the ludus, Crixus recites the oath and receives the mark, and Barca tells him “You fought well, Brother,” showing that although it was a heartbreaking way for it to happen, at least Crixus earned the mark honorably. I’m glad to see immediately why this didn’t cause them to hate each other, and to eventually be as close as they were in season one.

Upstairs, Titus tells Batty that he misjudged him, and that he was surprised to see Crixus, an untrained markless newbie, kill one of his favorite and best gladiators. Batty thinks this means Titus is going to turn control back over to him and head back Sicilia, but Titus has other things in mind. He wants to make sure the House keeps on this path, and “rise to its former glories.” Batty’s none to pleased, because he wants more than what Titus brought the house, and as Titus walks off, Batty gives a scheming and dramatic head turn to the camera.

Tune in Friday for “Beneath the Mask,” when Lucretia learns absolutely nothing from what happened with Melitta and Diona, and turns the ludus into a full-fledged brothel. You keep making those good choices, Lucretia!

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.