Spartacus: In Which They Killed Errrvrybody

Oh man, this is a crazy crazy CRAZY finale and I have A LOT of stuff to cover so let’s not even pretend like we want to talk beforehand and dive in immediately, okay? Okay!

Spartacus is getting weary as the group’s starting to run out of fire and food at the peak of Vesuvius, but Mira gives him calming words and says she hopes his next woman is able to do the same, and I’m like, “Uh-oh, this is such a ‘goodbye’ conversation.” Suddenly everyone’s EZTRA MADZ because Encino Woman Saxa and a bunch of other dummies went down the mountain to attack what few guards were there. Of course, Ashur & the Egyptian (did you know he was Egyptian? Learn something new everyday.) showed up too, because Ashur can’t go more than 4 minutes without popping up to remind us that he is A) still alive, and B) the worst. Just as Ashur’s about to lop off someone’s head, Mira shows up and shoots an arrow through his arm. Spartacus & Co leap in and start hacking through the guards but turn to retreat as more start to show up in the distance. BUT, just as they’re going, one of Glaber’s new main guys tosses an axe at Spartacus, who DODGES AND IT HITS MIRA IN THE CHEST. He tries to get her up to the top of the mountain as quickly as possible so they can seal the wound, but it’s too late; Mira is dead. Dead. Mira is dead. I could say it a hundred times, I still don’t believe it. MAD. They killed my favorite and they killed her within the first 6 minutes! This episode is the Degrassi of Ancient Rome; it goes there.

As Spartacus mourns at the peak, Ashur joins Glaber back at the temple and continues to wait for Spartacus to give up and come down the mountain. The next morning, as Ashur’s trying to give some grand posturing speech to his minions about how he’ll soon run the old ludus, Ilithyia & Lucretia show up with plans to get rid of Ashur. See, on the cart ride over, Lucretia told Ilythyia that, hey, maybe it’s a terrible idea to be traveling so far when you’re about 42 months pregnant, oh and also Glaber promised me to Ashur so I can’t go to Rome with you. So the two plot to have Ashur killed, and Ilythyia delivers Seppius’ arm band to Glaber. She tells him Ashur was the one who told Seppia about her brother, and that’s why she attacked him. Glaber agrees to kill his serpent, if she gets rid of her oracle. Ilithyia’s like, “Duh-what? Ummm..sure? *GIANT GULP SOUND*”

So Ilithyia & Lucretia head back to Capua, as Glaber and a few guards step outside to confront Ashur. Ashur’s minions stand by his side at first, but as soon as Glaber offers them Bajillions of Dollars to cut off his head, they turn on him, prompting Ashur to drop a snickerworthy curse word I can’t repeat here but is often repeated on the show, and expertly so. The guys start to attack to him, but just as the Egyptian is about to reveal he’s actually The Indian In The Cupboardand this is all a fantasy in Omri’s mind, Glaber stops him and tells Ashur to go bring Spartacus down from the mountain or whatevs.

Ashur visits Spartz & Company, tossing out a deal that everyone can live, as slaves, if they surrender and kill Spartacus, or Glaber will kill them all. The dude initially responsible for organizing the little spat the other day that lead to Mira’s death says he’d rather live as a free man and everyone’s like “HELLZ YEAH!” so Ashur just smirks and turns to leave. BUT Crixus stops him and says he doesn’t have to leave with his head, so you think, “Oh boy this will be fun! Crixus has been a mopey wet blanket most of the season!” But nooooo, Naevia, stupid dumb OMG why is she still here?Naevia pipes up and says that she’s the one who has to kill him because of everything he did to her and ARE YOU SERIOUS?No, for real, is this happening? Everyone steps back and lets her fight Ashur, who gets Spartacus’ sword because he came unarmed like a dope but that’s beside the point because WHY ARE WE WATCHING NAEVIA FIGHT ASHUR? Like, fine, he’s terrible, he did terrible things to you, Naevia. But you know who should get vengeance against Ashur? ANYBODY ELSE. Mostly Lucretia, really, but seriously, ANYONE ELSE ON THIS MOUNTAIN COULD AND SHOULD BE FIGHTING ASHUR. For one, you’ve had like, what, two weeks of training with a sword? But really, why are we still being made to care about Naevia? I just can’t, I don’t, and I won’t. Je refuse! So the two have their Worst Off in which they have to DumbDumb for their lives, and at first there’s this epic sweeping Joseph LoDuca music playing and everyone’s gasping and wondering if they should step in but then they remember who’s actually fighting so WHO CARES and the music stops because maybe they’ll both fall off this mountain, but then Ashur gets Naevia down to the ground and just as he’s speaking of what he did to her, she slices him between his legs, gets him down on the ground and hacks his head off! Uck, so dumb, I can’t even pretend I’m happy for her.

ALL UR VENGEANCE R BELONG 2 ME!

Back at the ludus, Ilithyia slinks out to the balcony and finds Lucretia tossing her red wig over the edge and saying how lucky she is to have such a great friend in Ilithyia. Ilithyia’s like, “Yep, that’s me. Great friend. Lv U Bunches! XOXO” and starts to sneak up behind her, ready to push her over the side. Lucretia spins around and finds Ilithyia inches away, just as Ilithyia’s water breaks and is like “Too soon!” but Lucretia says it’s a sign from the gods that the baby’s meant to be born in the ludus. UHOH FACE, says Ilithyia’s face, as she gets carried inside by her crazy friend who is now back to full blown Bat Crazy Lucretia mode. Bat Crazy Lucretia says she’s getting something to help her calm down but actually it’s a knife to stab all of the handmaidens before climbing onto the bed and CUTTING THE BABY OUT OF ILITHYIA’S STOMACH. She wraps the baby up and heads out to the edge of the cliff which is definitely not a good sign, and just as you think Ilithyia’s dead, she drags her sliced-up self out there and screaming for her to give the baby back. Bat Crazy Lucretia says that Batiatus always wanted a son, and now she can give him one and then THROWS HERSELF OFF OF THE CLIFF. Ilithyia is devastated, DEVASTATED, and falls dead to the ground.

Oh but the deaths don’t stop there! MmmmNOPE. Up on the mountain, Spartacus plots a plot to come down the mountain by rope in order to sneak up on Glaber’s men. Alongside Agron, Crixus, and Galacticus, they slip down by vines and into the nearby camp and kill all of the guards, commandeering a catapult and burn down a whole slew of tents and Romans. Glaber and his army advance on the four of them and you’re thinking, “Here we go, this is the last we’ll see of at least two of their handsome faces, Agron and Galacticus” when Doctore and everyone else show up and attack from the side! They get a seriously amazing advantage, prompting Glaber to retreat as everyone keeps fighting. Doctore gets in a fight with the Egyptian and gets a great slice at his stomach and you’re like FINALLY THAT GUY, but the Egyptian gets up and stabs Doctore in the chest! Galacticus rushes over, screaming “OENOMAUS!” and I think “Geez, should I have been calling him Oenomaus this whole time? Oh well” and Galacticus slices the Egyptian’s skull, and stumbles to his friend’s side. Doctore tells him he’s headedto True Blood to portray Kibwe, Chancellor for the Authorityto join his wife and says “See ya in anotha life, brotha,” dying in Galacticus’ arms! I know this is all historically accurate and anyone with Wikipedia access could see this coming but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I’ma miss you, Doctore!

Back at the temple, Spartacus scales the walls with Nasir and the rest, and they attack what remains of Glaber’s men. Hacking through them, Spartacus finally makes his way to Glaber and it is swift and perfect. Spartacus gets Glaber down, and Glaber’s like “They’ll send LEGIONS after you!” and Spartacus is all “LET THEM!” and rams his sword down Glaber’s throat! While he’s doing so, BTW, we see flashbacks to Sura, which again makes me sad for Mira, even though it was clear she made peace with their split. The crew celebrates their victory but while the battle may have been won, the war is just beginning. The stakes are going to get even higher next season when they take on Julius Caesar and Marcus Crassus! ZOMG I CAN NOT EVEN WAIT.

HOW INSANE WAS THIS FINALE? Okay, can we just take a moment AND BREATHE because SIX major characters died! There’s a great interview at EW with Steven DeKnight about the housekeeping he did to make room for the stories to come. Which is brilliant because A) it keeps with the historical accuracy obvs, and B) the last thing you want is a bloated cast list that stagnates the storytelling in favor of keeping around fan favorites. (Though really we could have kept Mira or Lucretia, right Steven? Sigh.) I think it’s terribly exciting when a showrunner is willing to take risks like this in such a massive way and it makes me wish shows that used to be this bold would take notes from this. I’m looking at you, True Blood (and to some degree, that paragon of disappointment, Heroes). I’m already fully prepared to stomp my feet and scream when Tara shows up in Bon Temps this summer. Aside from her, that show has like, what, 36 main characters now? There are no side characters, everyone’s given importance and storylines and there’s no clear focus whatsoever so when you get to the finale you’re like, what even happened? Nothing? Nothing happened. Because there were too many balls in the air and no one knew what to do with them.

And that’s where Spartacus succeeds. With Julius Caesar & Marcus Crassus being major players next season, it doesn’t make sense to keep around comparatively smaller enemies like Glaber, Lucretia, and Ilithyia. There’s no real place for them. I’ll miss all six of these characters, but they went out in only the most stellar ways that fit their characters and stories so perfectly that I can’t help be excited to see what DeKnight and his team have in store for us next season. Man, this was insane. What did you guys think? Are you as excited as I am for next year? Do you agree they did the right thing by having such a high body count? Or was it a mistake to get rid of so many people? Let me know in the comments. For now, let’s just say goodbye one more time to everyone we lost in “Wrath of the Gods.”

See you next season everyone as Spartacus returns in 2013! And to all my fellow True Blood fans out there, see you this summer!