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Thursday’s List of Wonderful Bullshit

For some one who lives each day with generalized anxiety, panic disorder, and agoraphobia, life almost never gives me a good reason to have anxiety, panic, or the fear of large crowds. I have spent the past few decades trying to understand what triggers these things, how to separate one from the other, and how to avoid disaster. But, that’s what makes it so tricky: no disaster needed. It just manifests that way. For no good reason at all.

I started a new job on Monday. I was really excited, but I was also sick with anxiety. It’s a job I’ve wanted for a really long time. I’ve sent my resume to this company half a dozen times. The hiring manager said she had never seen any one so dedicated to a job that they hadn’t gotten, until now. Leave it to me to pine after whatever it is I can’t actually have. BUT! When the position finally opened up, they contacted me. It was one of those life moments when you look around the room and think to yourself, is this really happening? I was overcome with joy, and then, within minutes, overwrought with panic.

I waited weeks for my start date, which was the 23rd of this month. When the morning finally came, it was like Christmas…I just knew that drum kit was waiting for me under the tree. But, anxiety doesn’t like Christmas, or drum kits, or new jobs, or anything good that ever happens. Ever.

My incredible wife drove me to work that morning, because she is amazing. When she dropped me off, I nearly skipped through the door to get my badge, which proudly displays the name of the company I’ve applied to over and over and over. It felt great. Then I finally made my way inside.

Perhaps my expectations were too high. I don’t know. But, a nice lady dropped me off at my desk and then no one knew what I needed to do next. It only got worse from there. No need for details, it was just a disorganized “orientation”, meaning, there was no orientation at all. The computers hadn’t even been setup for me yet. I stared at the wall for a while, introduced myself to every one I could find, and doodled in a composition book until lunch time finally came.

Throughout the morning, the anxiety became so unbearable, I didn’t think I would be able to eat. So, I took a walk around the campus until the sun came out. Then, I lied in the grass like a starfish…right outside of their main facility, because I always have great ideas. That’s when people started pouring out of the front entrance to check on me. They thought I was dead. Anxiety one, Kristina zero.

Today is day four of my new job, and I’m on track and ready to go. I’m already working on a wiring diagram and user manual for their new cooler system, which is all very exciting to me. Once the anxiety dissipated, I started to adjust, and now I love it here. But, that doesn’t mean that the anxiety doesn’t return with a vengeance. It’s like a fucking vigilante, and I’m the joker.

So, I decided to make a list of the magical powers anxiety holds over me—a list of all the irrational and ridiculous nouns and verbs that induce random vomiting, shivering, teeth grinding, and racing thoughts, along with all of those things that SHOULD give me anxiety but do not (today—it’s always changing).

Here goes nothing! (P.S. I only used two pictures in the anxiety section, because I try not to take photos of shit that gives me anxiety. But the non-anxiety section, well, see for your damn self!)

Anxiety Inducing:

Donald Trump for president…actually, it’s the people who are going to vote for DT who give me anxiety. I can’t believe God hates me enough to put these people in my life.

That crazy religious TV station that sells bible verses and makes tons of money

Cats in the road…please don’t hit the kitty

New York City…honking for no fucking good reason makes me want to rip out my own throat and throw it at you

Mean teachers…see below

Broken seashells…my mean 1st grade teacher gave me the ugly broken seashell to embarrass me in front of the other kids in my class. Then, she did the same shit to my little brother. I will cut a bitch. DO NOT fuck with my brother. OR my seashells.

People who hate Hillary Clinton…yea, what a monster. She’s only the MOST experienced candidate in the history of the fucking free world. And, 90 percent of you don’t even know why you don’t like her…trust me, I’ve asked. “Emails, Benghazi” hmmm what happened with Benghazi? That’s what I thought; total fucking silence. You know why? BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, AND YOU SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO VOTE

Pharmacists

Mail in my name

People who don’t “condone” curse words…FUCK OFF. I don’t condone your hateful rhetoric about refuges and not being politically correct! Isn’t asking someone not to curse PC, anyway??? Morons

Wal-Mart and the Hobby Lobby

The bible belt…you people scare me, I’m sorry

Deer heads

Eating vegetarian but craving a 24-ounce Rib Eye

Not living within two hours from a coast line

People who yell at me for saying “I’m sorry” too much; So, fuck you; I’m not sorry that I’m sorry. GET OVER IT.

David Duke…I think he’s actually a vampire

Rush Limbaugh…I know he’s a vampire, if by being a vampire you mean snorting Oxycontin off your illegal maid. Is that PC?

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Life sure has a way of not going as planned or the way you envisioned. You can meticulously plan out every detail and measure when you will hit every milestone, but swimming in the ocean that is life can knock you on your ass. Even if you are one of those who play it safe […]