Tuesday, April 12, 2011

don't tell me what to do

Welcome to the April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Compassionate AdvocacyThis post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they advocate for healthy, gentle parenting choices compassionately. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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Seriously, don't.

It drives me crazy when other parents make recommendations about how I should raise my children. And it seems to be a compulsion that lots of parents cannot resist.

"Oh, he sleeps in YOUR BED?! You should lock him in his own room and let him cry himself to sleep. It's for his own good. Swear."

"You're STILL breastfeeding?! You might want to stop that before it gets creepy."

I didn't realize that so many other parents are experts on my children. I still haven't come up with a snarky response for unsolicited advice, but I'm working on it. It drives me Bananas. Yes, with a capital B. So because of this, I don't return the favor.

I think there is a fine line between advocacy and being annoying. I believe in my parenting practices but you don't have to. If you think Ferber is a genius, I'm so happy for you. Whatever makes your household work. I'd rather lead by example. Attachment parenting tends to attract a lot of attention and questions, so even if I was a "know it all Mama," I probably wouldn't have to go out of my way too much. When people ask me about my babywearing and tell me how much they hate their Baby Bjorn, I'll tell them the benefits of whatever babywearing contraption I'm using. If someone comments on how ridiculously adorable my baby's diapers are, rest assured I will rave about cloth. I breastfeed in public and I wish more people would. I never see it, but I know there are more fellow breastfeeders out there. Maybe a side effect of nursing in public will encourage more mamas and future mamas to do the same. Actions speak louder than words anyway.

Compassionate advocacy isn't suggesting to others what to do. I don't believe my parenting practices are best, but I do believe it's what works for us. If you are curious and ask, I'll talk about it as long as you'll let me. But you can be sure I'll never tell you what to do.

***Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:(This list will be live and updated by afternoon April 12 with all the carnival links.)

— Patti at Jazzy Mama searches her heart for an appropriate response when she learns that someone she respects wants his baby to cry-it-out.

I Offer the Truth — Amy at Innate Wholeness shares the hard truths to inspire parents in making changes and fully appreciating the parenting experience.

Advocating or Just Opinionated? — Momma Jorje discusses how to draw the line between advocating compassionately and being just plain opinionated. It can be quite a fine line.

Compassionate Advocacy — Mamapoekie of Authentic Parenting writes about how to discuss topics you are passionate about with people who don't share your views.

Heiny Helpers: Sharing Cloth Love — Heiny Helpers is guest posting on Natural Parents Network to share how they are providing cloth diapers and cloth diapering support to low income families.

Struggling with Advocacy — April of McApril still struggles to determine how strongly she should advocate for her causes, but still loves to show her love for her parenting choices to those who would like to listen.

A Letter to *Those* Parents — Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares how to write an informed yet respectful reply to those parents — you know, the ones who don't parent the way you do.

Why I Am Not A Homebirth Advocate — Olivia at Write About Birth is coming out: she is a homebirth mom, but not a homebirth advocate. One size does not fit all – but choice is something we can all advocate for!

Why I Open My Big Mouth — Wolfmother from Fabulous Mama Chronicles reflects on why she is passionate about sharing parenting resources.

Watching and Wearing — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life advocates the joys of babywearing simply by living life in a small college town.

Just Be; Just Do. — Amy at Anktangle believes strongly about her parenting methods, and also that the way to get people to take notice is to simply live her life and parent the best she knows how.

One Parent at a Time... — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that advocating for Natural Parenting is best accomplished by walking the walk.

Self-compassion — We're great at caring for and supporting others —from our kiddos to other mamas — but Lisa at Gems of Delight shares a post about treating ourselves with that same sense of compassion.

There are few things that get under my skin more than unsolicited advice, so I appreciate moms like you who are willing to offer support and information without doling out criticism and advice. You are the kind of mama I seek out when I actually WANT advice on something! ;)

Ha! I love it! I am so with you! A fine line between advocacy and being annoying LOL!

This has helped me with my writer's block btw. I was supposed to be writing an article on gentle parenting for my local parenting magazine. Problem is, can't stand preaching so couldn't decide what to say. Now I know... will write a purely personal story presented as that and nothing else (with genuine intention NOT being to preach) and that is the end of it. Thanks!

I especially like your conclusion: "If you are curious and ask, I'll talk about it as long as you'll let me. But you can be sure I'll never tell you what to do." When it comes to parenting, I do tell people what we've tried and what works for us. But my mindset isn't to say, Hey, this is what you SHOULD do, but rather to say, Hey, here are some strategies you could try out.

As for the unsolicited advice — oh, I deal with it so poorly, myself.... The thing that is so weird about it is that even when I 100% disagree with the advice given, I feel bad, because the advice is coming out of a judgment of me or my child.

Another great post! And yes, I think nursing in public encourages others to do the same. I can vouch for the fact that you (and others) blogging about it encourages me when I feel like I'm the only one!

Unsolicited advice is common where I live. Walk around town with a newborn baby and you soon lose count of how many people tell you the baby is too hot/cold, should be more/less covered, head is crooked, hold is too high/low and oh if you forget to shield your bundle from the sun with an umbrella people seem to leap out from everywhere with admonitions that the baby will be burned - in an instant!

Because it is so common in our culture, most times I took it with the attitude of 'hey thanks for caring about us, I know you want to show us some love and say something so ok, bye' and walk on. Occasionally I'd seethe silently and once I shouted at one guy that 'hey the last time I checked it was not his child!'

So no I also don't run around dishing out shoulds and unwanted advice either...but oh just mention my wrap, cloth diapers and breastfeeding and the floodgates are open for me to gush all about my joys! But at the end of it all, my choices don't have to be your choices too. Respect!

This is a great CarNatPar post. I also backed way off, unlike when I was a new parent (or even pre-parenting when I knew it all. Ha!) I think if more people advocated this way, there would be less unsolicited advice in the first place.