In one of the more vulgar bastardizations of the word of Christ in recent times, one of the lead religious right groups, the Family Research Council, suggested that the Second Coming of the Lord will involve a testosterone-filled Jesus sporting an assault rifle.

And even better, Jesus is apparently rabidly heterosexual, his veins pumped full of testosterone. Here’s the FRC’s Executive Vice President Jerry Boykin at a “men’s prayer breakfast,” few months back (I suspect RightWingWatch just got the audio to some of this, that’s why we’re hearing about this now).

As Boykin explained, Jesus was a carpenter and stone mason for most of his life, which required him to be constantly lifting heavy pieces of wood and stone. All this lifting, in turn, meant that Jesus had calluses on his hands and “big, bulging biceps, big ole veins popping out of his arms, thin waist, [and] strong shoulders.”

Um, ok.

“He was a man,” Boykin said. “He was a man’s man, but we feminized him in the church … He was a tough guy and that’s the Jesus that I want to be like. That’s the side that I want to be like. But we’ve feminized Jesus in the church, and the men can’t identify with him anymore; not the kind of men that I want to hang out with, they can’t identify with this effeminate Jesus that we’ve tried to portray. He was a tough guy. He was a man’s man.”

The Lord is a warrior and in Revelation 19 is says when he comes back, he’s coming back as what? A warrior. A might warrior leading a mighty army, riding a white horse with a blood-stained white robe … I believe that blood on that robe is the blood of his enemies ’cause he’s coming back as a warrior carrying a sword.

And I believe now – I’ve checked this out – I believe that sword he’ll be carrying when he comes back is an AR-15.

He’s “checked this out.” Oh ok.

And not to put too fine a point on it, but Jesus is about as likely to arm himself with an assault rifle as would Dumbledore. When you’re almighty, you don’t need the weapons of man in order to make your point. Ergo, Noah’s flood. God could have bought a Glock, but instead he went with water. Same thing happened when it came time to deal with the Pharaoh in Egypt – you didn’t see Moses walking around with an Uzi (though it would have made for some beautiful anachronistic poetic justice). No, Moses and God did just fine with locusts and hail.

Now I want you to think about this: where did the Second Amendment come from? … From the Founding Fathers, it’s in the Constitution. Well, yeah, I know that. But where did the whole concept come from? It came from Jesus when he said to his disciples ‘now, if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.’

I know, everybody says that was a metaphor. IT WAS NOT A METAPHOR! He was saying in building my kingdom, you’re going to have to fight at times. You won’t build my kingdom with a sword, but you’re going to have to defend yourself. And that was the beginning of the Second Amendment, that’s where the whole thing came from. I can’t prove that historically, and David [Barton] will counsel me when this is over, but I know that’s where it came from.

And the sword today is an AR-15, so if you don’t have one, go get one. You’re supposed to have one. It’s biblical.

No, not biblical. Just nuts.

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John AravosisFollow me on Twitter: @aravosis | @americablog | @americabloggay | Facebook | Instagram | Google+ | LinkedIn. John Aravosis is the Executive Editor of AMERICAblog, which he founded in 2004. He has a joint law degree (JD) and masters in Foreign Service from Georgetown; and has worked in the US Senate, World Bank, Children's Defense Fund, the United Nations Development Programme, and as a stringer for the Economist. He is a frequent TV pundit, having appeared on the O'Reilly Factor, Hardball, World News Tonight, Nightline, AM Joy & Reliable Sources, among others. John lives in New York City, and is the cofounder of TimeToResign.com. Bio, article archive.

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I would like for them to be more specific is Jesus coming for an atheist like me before or after he guns down the gay folks?

Indigo

Okay . . . that’s two!

2karmanot

There are the matching homemade, crocheted, beer tab bikinis for the ‘gals.’

2karmanot

Born to be Brie.

Sweetie

Not just evangelicals. I went to the Vatican exhibit and the blond and blue-eyed Jesus with the hairless chest and prominent exposed pecs, the Chippendale disciples statues, and on and on… And this started early. There’s a mosaic of Jesus or some disciple and the guy has light blue eyes.

Sweetie

true Christianity = oxymoron

Anonymous

Unfortunately religion allows hateful people to do things with impunity. Religious law is lawlessness. You can’t tell me a law based on superstitions results in a fair trial, adequate punishments or even crime prevention. Theocracies are bad. Religious “exceptions” are bad.

‘Cause everyone knows that the most important question of our time is whether Ford rules and Chevy sucks, or if real men drive Dodges. Because, y’know, nutsacks. Or something like that (I never got why this is important once I moved beyond grade school).

Yeah, I always wondered why those decals were ever able to be sold. I would think that those would be a copyright or trademark violation. Maybe they fall under satire?

Regardless, they are stupid and miss the point of the comic strip.

The_Fixer

Well, the bible is basically fictional, as far as I am concerned. So this fictional representation of Jesus being a gun-toting gym rat falls right in line with it, in my mind anyway.

I have a feeling that a lot of the Jesus stories may be based on a person who was a traveling preacher/magician/entertainer sort of guy. Maybe he actually thought of himself as the son of God, in the sense that if there was a God, we’d all be sons and daughters of that God.

I had never heard of the two-Jesus theory, but it does make a whole lot more sense than what is presented as truth in the bible. For some reason, people seem to think that there was something unique about the name “Jesus” and that there was only one person with that name. I doubt that was the case.

There’s just too much wrong with the Bible for it to be considered a reliable historical document. Given what we know about human nature and our propensity to incorrectly relate a story 5 minutes after it happened, it’s completely unbelievable that it could be a reliable source of information as it was written well after the events it describes happened.

The more we learn about history, the more we know that it can’t be right. All of this arguing over Jesus being a model of hypermasculinity is pointless; take the best of what he was preaching about being good to one another, try and live by that, and using ones brain will get you (and the rest of humanity) further than any theological belief system will get you.

God didn’t have to wait for the Second Coming to lay waste to humans. Hell, he even killed 76,000 of King David’s people simply because David counted them.

mtblaze

All religions teach peace (and so Buddhism does count), it’s the practitioners who twist the teachings and are violent.

mtblaze

But really Jesus’ hair is dark brown and his eyes are brown, he just uses Just for Men and colored contacts.

Fentwin

So, where is the sanest pace on Earth? It sure ain’t this bat shit crazy country. These “laws” they are trying to pass reminds me of the Nuremburg laws that were passed in the 1930’s.

Scandinavia? Some little Island atoll in the Pacific? Is there such a place?

I’m sick and tired of this ideological cultural war bullshit. I’m tired of the mealy mouthed bible based bigots screeching like a bunch of harpies about how persecuted they are since they can’t force everyone to suck the cock of God.

I’m sick and tired of the lies and distortions spouted in the name of Cheesus.

I’m tired of pedophile priests and the protection they get for the sake of baby Jebus

I’m tired of a government that lets the big banks launder money for the cartels yet want to bust small banks for depositing money made from the legal sale of marijuana. (not religious, but still, god damn)

I’m tired of guns; guns gnus guns, we all have to have a fucking gun according to the NRA, anything else is UnAmerican. Jesus with an AK? Which fucking BIble are these recto-cranialy impacted brown-shirt bible-thumpers reading? I’ve got a BIble and no where does Jesus even have a sword fight, much less a shoot out at the O.T. Corral.

I’m tired of people like Delay who insist that jesus bled the ink he used to write our Constitution.

We won’t be the first empire to be destroyed by hateful, warped Christians. History is littered with them.

Badgerite

Oh my lord. And this guy was a Lieutenant General in the United States Army and Deputy Under Secretary of Defense for Intelligence during George Bush’s administration from 2002-2007.
If he has a brain, it is not on display in these comments.

FLL

And don’t forget the light brown or dishwater blond hair and blue eyes for the Anglo-Saxon look that was so typical of the population in the ancient Middle East.

perljammer

I think you folks are looking at this from the wrong angle. The Second Coming of Christ is all about the final judgement. If your final disposition is to burn in the fires of Hell for eternity, does it really matter whether your send-off is a pat on the head or a magazine-emptying burst from an automatic weapon?

arcadesproject

Man’s man? Hey, that can only mean One Thing, right? Guess they weren’t blowing smoke when they said Jesus loved John.

The Jesus portrayed by the Gospels is based largely on mythic archetypes current in the Middle East and Europe: the Hero, whose birth was marked by signs and portents, not the son of his titular father (if he had a father at all) but of a god, who displayed unusual abilities in his youth, and whose role was to change the world. That gets mixed up with the Sacrificed God (Osiris, Tammuz, Adonis, Dionysus, Shiva, John Barleycorn), whose sacrifice is for the benefit of the people.

It doesn’t really matter whether or not there was a historical Jesus.

Anonymous

It’s funny, if you belong to a religion that’s in the majority, it still has “cult” elements but it’s not seen as a cult. The majority really has a way of warping your perspective. Culture is learned, not genetic. If we grew up somewhere else, we’d believe something entirely different. People take it all way too seriously. They have no sense of self outside these group attachments.

“It is the meek who inherit the earth.” But when? It’s been millenia. Though, religion has provided a pretty high attrition rate with those “holy wars” they love to fight.

Anonymous

They cherry pick for the “hate” parts. No such thing as a peaceful religion with an actual God – Buddhism doesn’t count.

Anonymous

So basically God was whatever you want him to be. Makes sense.
These quotes are becoming humorless to me. Unfortunately they really do believe this crap, it’s not a joke or satire. It’s beginning to bring me down how dumb some people are.
Please just give these people some sort of lump sum payment as they need their daily pat on the back. Anything that will make them feel like their “activism” has sufficed. Just appease them so they go away.

trista niap

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pappyvet

I’ve always wondered about that phrase “the law and the prophets”……..weren’t they an early backup band for Lou Reed?…..or was it Lou Rawls?

The birth and death narratives of the NT are seen by all reputable scholars as purely fictional accounts.

Aye, especially since:

1. They contradict each other endlessly on the details
2. The details that are in there are often provably wrong or anachronistic
3. They describe a version of crucifixion that was not how the Romans did it

4. Married men almost always have sex with their wives if able, especially if newly wed, and would probably go berserk if their young wife said she was pregnant not from him but via an ‘angel.’
5. An unmarried 33 year old man from a Jewish family? Riiiiiiight…

I think I’ve heard there are several websites that cater to that type-just saying.

2karmanot

Oh god, yes, yes, oh god…….

Indigo

Yeah, that’s one element of Midwestern culture I don’t miss.

Indigo

Now, what I decoded out of those claims was that the Family Research Council is actually an apocalyptic cult, a sort of low-key Baptist version of Heaven’s Gate. Maybe . . .

Mike_in_the_Tundra

I thought that maybe the three wise men were going to visit with new gifts.

iamlegion

I did not know that. Thanks – I will use it with greater enthusiasm from now on!

mtblaze

Especially when the back window has a cut-out of a little boy peeing on a Ford.

mtblaze

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

AdmNaismith

Arrrgh.

To paraphrase Captain Kirk in the underrated (yes, I said underrated) Star Trek V:
Kirk: ‘What does God need with a [gun]?’

And the end of that exchange:
McCoy: I doubt any God who inflicts pain for his own pleasure.

Sheesh…

Sameboat1

So wrong on SO many levels.

Mike_in_the_Tundra

The churches named “King of Peace” will need to change their names. They’re not going to like that.

About this: “big, bulging biceps, big ole veins popping out of his arms, thin waist, [and] strong shoulders.” A lot of us would like to date him, especially with that wonderful beard.

JaneE

When Jesus said that peacemakers would be called the children of God, he wasn’t talking about a Colt revolver. It is the meek who inherit the earth.

4th Turning

Was just googling “Noah” trailer and wondering if we’d get to see Russell in a speedo-(I think it
or nothing is de rigueur in Aussieland). Got lost in the ‘comments’ wilderness again.
(The next Jesus-bien caliente!)
Andrew Haym2 days ago
Movies today are always about the end of the world and special effects to propel the story, instead of the actors, or the writing. And every movie soundtrack sounds plagiarized with the same loud drums and epic harmony. Talk about the death of Hollywood.﻿
ry alfrd2 days ago
did you even know that by mocking scripture your actually making prophecy come to be, so i dont mind,the more the merrier.go for it.﻿
Matthew Larsen
+ry alfrd Oh you mean that bit in the bible where it foretells scoffing. See even back then they knew the what they were writing would be recognised as crap﻿
you said it my friend.lol.﻿
darksorcerermusic2 days ago
i hope they show the scene when Noah throws the phone at the bellboy….

The use of the word “cretin” is ironic. It came about as a corruption of the word “christian.” Christians were seen as meek and dull and the term came to be applied to people of limited mental faculties.

nicho

The Jesus “sword or no sword” mystery could be solved by a very prevalent school of thought that the early Christian mythology of Jesus was based on different characters with the same name. For those who aren’t aware, this was before not only 24-hour cable news, but tv itself, and even newspapers. A lot of the mythology was word of mouth and things got messed up.

Many scholars believe there were at least two “Jesus” characters. One was the itinerant preacher, talking about love and forgiveness and telling people not to use swords. The other was what was known as a Zealot, who the Romans considered terrorists, since the goal of the Zealots was to overthrow the government. This would be the guy telling people to go out and buy a sword — two if they could afford it.

It’s more likely that the Romans would crucify a Zealot rather than an itinerant preacher who was only saying nice things and telling his followers not to cause trouble. And even then, it’s doubtful they would have done it the way the mythical bible story tells it. Romans at the time were into mass executions and could do a couple of hundred in an afternoon. Unlikely they would crucify a preacher at all (especially one who hadn’t really bothered them) and more unlikely that they would break loose a platoon of soldiers to do it.

The birth and death narratives of the NT are seen by all reputable scholars as purely fictional accounts.

UncleBucky

Yep.

Hey, and Truck-Nuts, I never knew about that. But they remind me of phallic images of the Celts (?) and the cod-pieces worn during the Renaissance.

The Nation is going over the edge, I think.

PeteWa

your additions are most excellent!

UncleBucky

These people (christianiSTs) wouldn’t know the meaning of the Beatitudes, Parables, the Lord’s Prayer (up to but not incl. the “doxology”), related passages, and the letters of Jesus’s brothers, James and Jude.

Further, they have created a “god” (in this case a kind of warrior hercules/jesus) and have decided that worshiping IT will persuade the main “sky god” to give them a ticket to “heaven”. This is actually Old Testament blasphemy, or worshiping false gods, or graven (printed) images…

It takes some seriously twisted f*cks to look at the demented imagery of an obviously insane author and say, “Y’know, the Gospels were way too positive and just having those letters from Paul of Tarsus didn’t really hammer home the “you’re all going to HELL!” message. Let’s finish off the Bible with these ‘revelations,’ shall we? If that doesn’t terrorize people into giving us all their worldly possessions, nothing will.”

In his defense if these people’s “god” ever did return, it sounds like it would be fucked up. Revelations is fucking horrifying.

PeteWa

I remember that one time when Jesus roundhouse kicked the living daylights (and life) out of Lazarus and then had to raise him from the dead cause Mary was all, “dang Jesus, stop killing all your friends and learn how to play right!”

The natural extension of the fetishization of Jesus that has been ongoing since about the third century.

2patricius2

Of course Boykin conveniently ignores this passage: “‘Put your sword back in its place,’ Jesus said to him, “for all who draw the sword will die by the sword.” (Or maybe there is a lost passage in which Jesus said “take up an assault rifle instead”….)

keirmeister

Whenever I talk to religious nuts like these, I make it a point to agitate them using their own language. They HATE being called false prophets and told they’re doing the work of Satan.

But outside of that, reading the stupidity that is Boykin…seeing his Jesus lust on full display…I can only think of Patrick Stewart’s line from “Jeffrey”:

Oooo! Get her!

2patricius2

The reason Jesus is coming back with an assault rifle, is that his aim in using storms and lightning and bird kills and floods is pretty awful.

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