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A guest blog on driving by a local wonder woman who blogs under the alias SAHM I am. If you like what you read be sure to catch up with her and her hilarious take on life at SAHMIAmCocktailIWant.com!

I’m the first to admit that I have approximately zero patience behind the wheel, and it’s probably best for everyone that my driving is limited to being 90% concurrent with being a mother. I do my best to hide it when I have the girls in the car, but when they’re not? Move, bitch, get out the way! I get that there’s speed limits and traffic laws, and I’m cool with that. What I’m not cool with? Dickheads who think those rules don’t apply to them. There’s so many different types! Massholes unite!

Distracted Drivers. I know you won’t believe this, but guess what? I don’t text and drive. I barely talk and drive. As demonstrated by the people I’m stuck driving beside/behind everyday, I don’t think it can be done. Whenever I find myself behind someone driving like an idiot, 9 times out of 10, when I do finally pull up next to them and/or pass them, they’re on their cell phone. The really good ones are also talking with their hands (what’s a steering wheel?!), and basically telling the world to bend over and take it, because their phone convo is waaaay more important than the rest of the planet’s desire to get anywhere. And I’m embarrassed for the human race to admit that I’ve even rolled up on people READING A FUCKING BOOK while driving. More than once! Seriously? Listen, you want to text/read/eat dinner/play with puppets while driving, awesome… but I don’t. I want to drive my car to my destination and get there in one piece. And I’m not burying my kids because ‘OMGEEE Josh just friend requested me!’ or because you need to share the current temperature in your rearview mirror thermostat via Instagram. Stop driving, go somewhere & do that shit like the rest of us.

Old People. Listen, I have a ton of respect for the elderly, I honestly do. But if you can’t see the tv five feet in front of you, or hear glass shattering as you ram your 1991 Lincoln Continental (with velour interior & 48,000 miles on it) headfirst into a Dunkies, you might want to consider hanging up your driving shoes. Those signs with the blurry numbers are actually indications of how fast you should be going, not just the age of your vehicle. Although they could also double as indicators of how many cars are backed up behind you, while you’re driving 15 mph. Being stuck behind ‘older folk’ when you have somewhere to be is infuriating. And to be fair I must say that I myself, want to run up and throw a fist bump in the direction of anyone obviously able to collect social security in a fun car going 65 in a 40 mph. Living on the goddamn edge. I love it.

Ass Gremlins. The people who ride up your ass on Route 3 (or any other two-lane highway) while you’re in the left lane, even though you’re already going like 80. Which gives you a giant decision to make: either stay put and give nonstop break-jobs to the a-hole behind you, or switch to the ‘slow’ lane and risk getting stuck behind any of the above. It’s even better at night when they’re flashing their highbeams in your face. And I’m fully aware that Ass Gremlins are everywhere – not just Route 3, but at least when it’s a three lane highway, you have options other than causing a pileup or admitting defeat and switching lanes.

Premature Pullouts. Like most things in life, no one likes it when you pull out to early. This is especially true when I’m going 40, and you’re trying to decide whether or not to pull out in front of me. And you decide to pull out, even though you know you should wait so that the other driver (in this case, me) can also enjoy the ride. So your premature pullout leaves the other driver slamming on their brakes with fury and left with the urge to punch you in the face. It’s even more annoying when you pullout early and then go slower than an old person. Stop that. Just wait til it’s right to pull out and everyone will be happy.

Drunk Drivers. Okay, okay take a deep breath, but I’m about to get all ‘Mom’ on you. Drinking & driving is just fucking stupid, plain and simple. We all know someone who has been popped for a DUI, and quite frankly, I think that sucks. What’s even worse, is that most people either directly know someone or at least know of someone who has been hurt or killed in a car accident where alcohol was involved. I know everyone wants to have a good time, and no one wants to be Sober Steve at the bar while they watch all their friends get hammerfaced… so call a cab! Call in a favor from that bum friend of yours who never has any money to go out (you know you’ll never see that $20 you lent them two weeks ago, might as well cash in this way). Call anyone who isn’t drinking to help you out. Just don’t drink and drive. Pretty please? End Rant.

Obviously, there are plenty other types of Massholes, but comprising that list has given me road rage and I haven’t been behind the wheel of a car in hours. And since I have no where to be tonight, I’m going to hang up my keys and go make myself a drink.

To add on to the Premature Pullout – when they cut you off, and THERE IS NO ONE BEHIND YOU! What – you can’t wait 2.6 seconds more for me to drive by and pull out behind me? I don’t care if you pull out in front of me and go 90 mph – I still had to hit my brake because of your need for instant gratification! Dick.