The Bee Stings Zondervan’s ‘Bible For Every Subgroup’ Publishing Tactic

In a move designed to help students of the Word carefully impose their own theology and personal experiences onto the text, Zondervan released its all-new Choose Your Own Adventure Bible to widespread public acclaim Wednesday morning.

Boasting over three hundred different endings, the CYOA Bible allows readers to guide and bend the narrative through all its various twists and turns in order to shape the Bible’s theology to fit readers’ own tastes, biases, and prejudices.

“What a great resource to help pastors and laymen alike insert themselves into any biblical text,” Pastor Joel Osteen of Lakewood Church said in a promotional video touting the new study Bible. “In the past, Bible readers were just reading some boring story about Hebrew men and women that were really difficult to relate to. Now, the Bible is finally all about you.”

The video also previewed one of the CYOA Bible’s storylines, as a reader decided that God wouldn’t punish the world with a great flood, but rather praised and rewarded the ingenious and creative ways mankind had invented to rebel against Him.

The CYOA Bible is already a runaway success, having reportedly sold over 4 million copies in its first hour of availability, causing Zondervan to announce that it would be slowly phasing out the “old, boring versions of the Bible that don’t cater to reader preferences.”