I've been watching the TV series Lost lately and this is a phrase that resonates throughout the 4 seasons I have watched so far. Nobody, child or adult wants to hear what they can't do. It is very easy to get in the habit as a parent and/or care provider to focus on the "cant's."

"You can't climb on there!"

"You can't hit your sister."

"Stop screaming."

"Don't touch that!"

"Don't run."

"Stop crying."

How exhausting it must be for a child to constantly be told what they cannot do. What hope do they have left after a barrage of words taking what they thought was fun away. This is a tricky habit to get rid of. Once you identify it, you literally have to retrain your brain (and mouth) to say something different. Depending on how you were parented, it may be an ingrained habit. Still, we must communicated clear expectations and boundaries to the children and teach them that there are other / more acceptable options.

First and foremost, at TLC, we do our best to redirect the behavior to a safer choice. For example: Child A is insisting on jumping on the couch. This breaks one of our rules, or an expectation. This is not safe as the child could fall off of possible injure a friend who is near (trust me it happens all the time). This child clearly is in need of gross motor stimulation. Children often choose activities that satisfy a need or simply because it sounds like fun! You can ask a child till you are blue in the face to stop. However, if the behavior is to satisfy a need...they will continue to seek out an activity that meets that need. Maybe they decide since you told them they CAN'T jump on the couch, they will jump off the bench, or jump on a doll, or jump over a friend, or on a friend. Kids are extremely creative and TRUST ME, they will find a way. If you know your child well and you can anticipate their goal, you can replace it with a more positive, acceptable activity. We might replace it with a hopper ball, or maybe decide to do dance time, or weather permitting (*fingers crossed*) go play outside. Perhaps you can set up some cones or hula hoops on the floor that the child can hop over or through. Through these choices we have met the child's gross motor needs while providing a fun, acceptable alternative. Does this always work? No, children are smart and may sometimes get stuck in their independence.

One of the most eye-opening quotes I've seen on the internet is "We spend the first two years of their lives teaching them to walk and talk and spend the rest of it telling them to sit down and shut up". This is certainly not true for all children or even the majority of them. However, it really makes you think. Our job as parents and caregivers is to aid these young individuals, full of their own ideas, needs and aspirations to make the "right" choices. Those choices vary from situation to situation and family to family of course. They are not puppets for us to make every move for them. Doing so would hinder their independence and decision making skills as an adult. In short, constantly telling them "no" or "you can't" does the same thing. We are robbing them of a world of better choices and the problem solving skills they will need later. How do teach them effectively?

Essential to success is knowledge of the child. Knowing their likes and dislikes will help you come up with choices that they will find favorable. Secondly, keep it positive. Instead of "stop running", remind them that we use walking feet indoors. Instead of "stop hitting your sister", you can say "our hands are for helping and making things, would you like to go play with some play dough?" I am not saying that those negative words should permanently be erased from your vocabulary. However, the tone of the conversation changes dramatically when you stay calm and refrain from the negative. Thirdly, offer choices! If you find the rest of these suggestions difficult, this is a great place to start. For example: Child B decides they do not want to put on their jacket to go outside. The choices must be clear and consistent. Threats and consequences are very different. Threatening to throw away a favorite toy or take away their tablet is an extremely negative alternative that will only upset the child more. Those objects are unrelated to the direct matter at hand. The choice is simple: You may put on your jacket and go play outside or you can chose not to and you will stay inside. The choices only involved the goal, playing outside, and the means to do it, putting the jacket on. Keeping it simple will help. Other situations get more complex and can take practice and getting use to. Lastly and most importantly, follow through. If you give a child choices, you must be prepared to follow through with them. This is the same with consequences if you chose to use them. If it comes down to it and I hear a teacher say, "If we talk about this again we are going to have to call home and talk to Mom or Dad." That teacher better be prepared to do just that with no other chances. You have already warned them several times. This is how you established authority and respect. Children are notorious for testing their boundaries. The best thing you can do is set them up for success and follow through to clearly establish those boundaries.

So, you might ask....what are some other choices TLC offers the children?First and foremost, we reiterate that it is OKAY to have feelings. We all get mad, sad, excited, frustrated, etc. sometimes. What counts is how we react to them. We do this primarily by acknowledging, "I hear you saying that you are frustrated that you cannot play with that toy yet..." This validated their feelings and reveals that you are in-tune with them, listening and respect them as an individual with emotions and needs. Kids are not always the best as identifying them. It is okay to help give them the words or show them pictures or ask questions about it. We utilize a poster called Anger Choice Cards for Classroom. We hang this up in the classrooms and this is our go-to when a child cannot recognize the choices available to them. Many parents have asked me about this form. Consistency is crucial for building routine and expectations, you are more than welcome to use this at home or share with us something that works well for you.

There are so many variables and specifics that make each and every situation and conversation different. Start by taking note of how many times you say "no", "don't", "stop" or any other negative word. Is it more than you thought? Mine sure was. Now, think of some key phrases that you can use to help keep it positive. Practices using a few at a time. Once you encounter a few situations you can bank them in your memory and remember how you handled it or even reflect on how it could have been better. Remember the 4 essentials to success and practice.

Find a great phrase that works for you? Are you celebrating some success in handling situations? I would love to hear about it!