Introducing the Time Release Candy Dispenser for your kids!

Kids munching through the entire bag of chips before you can spell asparagus? Is the full bag of M&M’s Peanut empty in the time it took you to blend a smoothie?

Attention parents: your worries are over! Struggles are coming to an end!

Introducing the new and improved, never-before-revealed Time Release Candy Dispenser!

Maybe it was in biology class where I learned that if you fed a goldfish continuously, it would just keep eating and explode. Of course, as a young boy, this was something that just had to be proven. I was ready for my experiment even if there was going to be fish guts potentially splattered on my John Travolta poster in my room. There was only one problem: we didn’t have goldfish.

It’s like Russian Roulette … only with chips.

Fast forward a whole bunch of years and I’m pretty sure there was some DNA that my boys accidentally siphoned from a friend’s house when they were playing hot potato with their goldfish. I haven’t taken the scientific experiment to its final stage, but I’m pretty sure my boys would eat until they exploded.

Which is why, together with nutritional experts, engineers who work on time release vaults at banks and frustrated child psychologists, we’re proud to announce the only solution to your goldfish children’s junk eating habits.

Let us first, dear hard-core scientific method fanatics, set out the environmental factors of the experiment:

It is understood that another option would be to just not have Peanut M&Ms in the house. (Challenge: I really like Peanut M&Ms.)

We could have gone with the electrode device from a previous science project that sent a shock through the subject’s hands when they reached their hands into the specially designed bag of chips. (Challenge: this fell apart when it turned into a party gag and neighbor girl Kim went home screaming to her mother about how she was tortured.)

We have worked with top child psychologists about working on restraint and control with the boys. (Challenge: the subjects are boys. They first needed to understand the vocabulary “restraint” and “control.” This is an ongoing project in the lab.)

Introducing the Time Release Candy Dispenser for your kids!

Here’s How It Works

Once you receive your machine, unpack carefully and find a secure spot where it can be bolted to something sturdy, like a concrete floor. This helps prevent tampering from especially handy kids who have taken their “workshop” class to extremes and know how to wield a drill bit.

Open the hopper at the top and pour in your candy of choice. Please read the list of approved foods and note that slimy and sticky foods (Jell-O, chocolate brownie frosting, etc.) can clog the system like a bad case of nacho cheese chips, cola and gummy worms in a child’s intestines. (See page 298 in the manual on removal procedures if gut-sticking foods get lodged in the machine).

With children in the next room, set a password on the keypad. We recommend a 256-bit encrypted password with a generous helping of funky characters, numbers and no children’s birthdays. If you have the Pro model, you can use the fingerprint scanner although in our studies, kids have been known to dislodge the dispenser and bring it to a sleeping parent’s index finger — see #1 again).

Work together with your children as a team in discussing when the candy will be dispensed. Granted, suggestions such as, “We want it to work around the clock!” and “Can it dispense poop?” can be swept aside and you can return to the schedule. We recommend setting a regular interval that kids can become accustomed to engrain the trained behavior. For example, maybe at 7:15 PM after dinner. Talk this through with your children’s therapists.

You can also adjust how much candy comes out. Calculate the weight or your child, divide by 9, add 7 and then convert that to milligrams and you should be set. There’s a handy calculator in the box.

The final step is to celebrate! Pop open the champagne and celebrate your new-found freedom.

No more nagging, no more pushing the candy down the toilet or hiding it in the bird feeder! No more back and forth moronic discussions about if they can have just one more bowl of garbage. Now the system is in place and you can get back to Real Parenting!

Results May Vary

Although we have no real evidence, we have received testimonials from parents who were beyond joyous after installing the Time Release Candy Dispenser for Kids.

Little Johnny no longer sits in front of fridge in the afternoon and with all of that free time has taken up Mandarin and learning the violin. His first recital is next Saturday and he is so proud. Thank you, Time Release Candy Company! — Grateful mom

We do recommend having a family meeting to discuss what’s going to happen in the household so the children can mentally and physically prepare.

I’m pretty sure my angel Stephanie would lick the bottom of the bag of chips to the point where she almost suffocated. I can truly say that the TRC product has saved her life! Thank you!

We’ll keep posting testimonials from overjoyed parents as they come in. In the meantime, get yours today!