It would seem that it’s a simple question – “what do you want in the bedroom”? Yet so many of us struggle to give an honest answer. We seem to be able to talk about everything else with our partners, but when it comes to sex, egos are attached and there are fears about stepping over boundaries or asking for something that might offend or even scare. But there is a bigger issue. When we are asking for what we want in the bedroom, are we in fact saying to our partner that our current sex life is not good enough and we need more?

The success of our relationships are often heavily reliant on our sex lives and our sexual performance, especially early on in a relationship and as a result, the pressure is on. If a relationship is right and meant to be then aren’t we supposed to be going at it like rabbits and having mind blowing orgasms?

Real life is not a Hollywood film.

It can take time to get to know someone, how they and their body responds to touch, what turns them on, what they enjoy, what they don’t like and what role intimacy and connection has to their sex lives. It might not matter if you believe yourself to be the best lover on earth, without in depth conversation, experimentation and time, you might still not be hitting the exact spots and making the right moves simply because you don’t know. Or even worse, maybe you have never actually asked. Even if you have been with someone for a long period, maybe there are still things you are too shy to ask for or perhaps your wants and needs have changed (which can happen over time).

Instead of waiting to be asked the question, maybe it’s time many of us took control and actually told our partners what we want in the bedroom. Assumptions can be an awkward thing but so can control. This is not about shouting a list of instructions, rather it’s about giving subtle hints and moves to ensure sexual egos stay in tact whilst ensuring sexual desires are fulfilled. Here are a few tips to get you started:

Positive reinforcement: instead of telling them what they are doing wrong, try when hit that spot or come close, to positively reward them for doing the right thing and moves. People are more likely to do a behaviour again if they are rewarded for it. Maybe it’s a groan or moan or a positive touch back.

Eroticize your request: Instead of asking for something like you are requesting the bins to be taken out, try in a sexy soft tone of voice to start a sentence with “It would really turn me on if……” or “You know what would really turn me on…”

Ask them first: If you are looking for permission from your partner to ask for something sexual, you might want to get them making the requests first. It can then open the discussion more freely for that type of dialogue. Using that soft and sexy voice, with a bit of direct eye contact, you might ask “Are there any fantasies you have that you want to explore?” But be careful with this one —depending on your partner, you might want to try using words like “sexy moves” or “new things in the bedroom” instead of fantasy. Consider what will happen if your partner comes up with a fantasy that you are not prepared to explore. Will your no, see his openness to your request shut down?

Reassurance: If a request in the bedroom might lead to your partner asking if you need something more, then it’s important to reassure your partner of your love and attraction. Think of this as a bit of preliminary damage control. If you are also going to give criticism try and leave your partner with a suggestion. Give them hope that whatever it is you are trying to achieve is possible.

Nikki Goldstein holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology, a Postgraduate Diploma in Counseling and a Doctorate of Human Sexuality from San Francisco’s esteemed Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality; and is a highly credible authority on the topics of love, sex, dating, romance and relationships.

hahahaaa, I’ve never thought to ask her about “sexy moves” or “new things in the bedroom” instead of fantasy, always went for the fantasy… I guess I’m lucky she didn’t mention a weird fantasy :))) and she thought about new positions and stuff

We couldn’t agree more about your positive psychology approach, we’ve been writing a lot recently about making sure that the sex you have makes you happy. It’s ironic that sex is so fundamental to life existing on earth at all, yet we still find it embarrassing or difficult to talk about!