Three
weeks ago, three film students went into the woods to make a film about three
students who had gone into the woods to make a film three months earlier.They were never heard from again.None
of them.Not the original three students, or the other three students
who made film about the first three.Nobody!Really.Never heard from
again!

We're
not kidding.

This
is the film they left behind when they disappeared.

We're
not just making this up.

Really.

INT.ALICE'S BEDROOM--DAY

Someone is
shooting film of the ALICE, the Director of the second film.(She's the one who disappeared three weeks ago - not the one who
disappeared three months before that).

ALICE

Okay, hello, and
welcome to my film.I'm making a
documentary about these three film students who made a documentary about the
Hare Lip Woman, and who were never heard from again.In my documentary, I'm going to try to find out what happened to them and
why they were never heard from again.But
first I'm going to show their film footage which was found after they were never
heard from again.So the part of
the film you are going to see now is the part from the students who were never
heard from again.It's not from me,
because I'm going to be heard from again.

INT.LUCY'S HOUSE --DAY

Now we're in the home of LUCY, who is the
first director, the one who disappeared three months ago, not the one who
disappeared weeks ago.LUCY speaks
into a hand-held videocamera.

LUCY
This is the story of the Hare Lip.It's a local
legend here in Southern California.It seems
there was a woman who was very beautiful,
only she had a hare
lip, which is like a cleft
pallet, and they can cure it these days.Only
they couldn't cure it back when this story took
place. Anyway, this woman was so
embarrassed by her hare lip that
she went into
the woods to live all alone in a cabin, where
no one would ever
see her hare lip.At the
same time,
there lived in the city a man with
a wooden eye.He only had one real eye, but
he was too poor to buy a glass
eye, so he had
a fake wooden eye made.Anyway,
he figured
no normal woman would go out with him, but he
heard about the woman
with the hare lip, and he
thought maybe she would go out with him.So
he wandered through the woods, until he found
her cabin, and he
knocked on the door, and he
was still worried about his wooden eye, but he
figured she wouldn't say anything because she'd
be so sensitive about her hare
lip.So he knocked
on the door, and
he said, "Would you like to go
out with me?"And she was thrilled, because no
one had ever asked her out before.So he said,
"Would you like to go out with me, and she said,
"Would I?Would I?"And he said, "Hare Lip!Hare
Lip!"And neither of them were ever heard
from again!So we're going to go into the woods
and find out what happened to them.

EXT.DARK ALLEY--EVENING

LUCY, followed by her two man film crew,
RICKY and FRED goes into a dark alley to interview people on the street.

LUCY
Now we're going to have a man-on-the-street
interview to see
what people think of the story
of the woman with the hare lip and the guy with
the wooden eye.

The first person LUCY walks up to is a
WITCH, looking like something out of the Wizard of Oz (with the green skin, and
the pointy black hat, etc.)

LUCY
Excuse me, may I ask you a question for my
documentary?

WITCH
Certainly, dearie.

LUCY
Have you heard the story about the hare lip
woman?

WITCH
Isn't that the story of the woman with a hare lip
who goes
into a bar, and she says to the bartender, (the
witch uses a hare
lip voice for the woman)
"I'll have a scotch and
soda."And the bartender
says, (the witch uses a
hare
lip voice for
the bartender) "One scotch and soda coming up."And the woman says, (the witch uses the harelip voice) "Are you making fun
of me?"And the
bartender
says, (hare lip voice:)"No, this is the
way I talk."Then another customer comes in and
says, "Gimme a shot of
whiskey."And the bartender
says (normal voice:) "Shot
of whisky, coming right
up."And
the woman says, (hare lip voice:) "I
thought you said you weren't making
fun of me."And the bartender
says, (hare lip voice:)"I
wasn't making fun of you.I
was making fun of
him!!!"

LUCY
No.That's not
the hare lip story I meant.

Lucy goes further into the alley to find
another person to interview.She
walks up to a VAMPIRE who is busy sucking blood from the throat of his beautiful
VICTIM.

LUCY
Excuse me.Do
you mind if we ask you a few
questions for a film we're making?

VAMPIRE
Go away!Can't
you see I'm busy?

Whenever the vampire takes his mouth away
from the VICTIM's neck, blood spurts out of the two wounds in her neck.(Whenever the VAMPIRE isn't speaking, he goes back to sucking.)

LUCY
We just wanted to know if you've ever heard
of the Hare Lip
Woman and the Wood-Eyed
Man.

VAMPIRE
Of course I've heard of that ridiculous story.They were telling it way back when I was a
child.

LUCY
Well, do you think it's true?

VAMPIRE
Of course it's not true.Only an imbecile would
think it was true.

LUCY
Well, I think it's true.There was a man with a
wooden eye and a woman with a hare lip.Except some people say it was a woman with a
wooden eye and a man with a
hare lip.But one
thing everyone
agrees on...they were never
heard from again.

VAMPIRE
Good.

LUCY
I'm going to make a film about them and call it
the
"Hare Lip Project."Do
you think maybe I'll
never be heard from again?

VAMPIRE
I hope so.

LUCY
I take it you don't believe in the supernatural.

VAMPIRE
I don't believe in you.Now go away and stop
bothering me!

LUCY turns to the camera.

LUCY
There you have it!Folks
around here tend not
to believe in the Hare Lip Project.

EXT.--THE WOODS--DAY

LUCY and RICKY and FRED are walking
through the woods.They take turns
shooting each other with the videocamera.

RICKY
Is there some way we could do this film
without the guy
having a wooden eye and
without the woman having a hare lip?

FRED
I think that would be kind of hard.

LUCY
Yeah.Like
doing "Titanic" without the
iceberg or the boat.

RICKY
It's just that we're making this film to get jobs
in the
business, right?And I'm afraid
there'll be
people who'll think we're making fun of the
handicapped, and that's
not cool.

FRED
Are you saying Will Smith isn't cool?He makes
fun of Kenneth Branagh for not having any legs in
"WILD,
WILD WEST."And no one's cooler
than Will Smith.

RICKY
But he's black, so he can get away with it.He's
an oppressed minority.But
I'm a white guy, so

I can't make fun of women with hare lips.

FRED
Maybe he's right.My
mother got a hairy lip when
she went through menopause, and when we joked
about it, she had a fit!

LUCY

Not hair lip!Hare
lip!

FRED
Huh?

LUCY
It's spelled "h-a-r-e."Not "h-a-i-r."

FRED
Huh?

LUCY
It's spelled "h-a-r-e" like a bunny rabbit hare,
not "h-a-i-r" like the hair on your head hair.

FRED
So she had a lip like a bunny rabbit?

RICKY
But don't bunny rabbits have hairy lips?

LUCY
It's like a cleft pallet!It has nothing to do with
facial hair!

RICKY
Still, what if there's some big important producer
with a
hare lip?If we come up with a
movie that
makes fun of people with hare lips, he could fix it
so we'd never
work in this town again.

LUCY
Big important producers don't have hare lips.They have enough money to get them fixed.

FRED
But what about wooden eyes?Lots of important
people have fake eyes.Like Sammy Davis Jr.

LUCY
He's dead.

RICKY
And he's black, so he can get away with it.

FRED
Sandy Duncan isn't dead, or black, and she's
got a glass
eye!

LUCY
(dripping with sarcasm)
Yeah, right.If
we offend Sandy Duncan, she'll fix
it so we'll never work in this town again!I'm
trembling with fear!

RICKY
Peter Falk has a glass eye.

FRED
And Pamela Anderson had glass breasts.

LUCY
What???

FRED
She had breasts made out of silicone, until she had
the
silicone taken out.And don't they
make glass
out of silicone?Or is
that mirrors?

LUCY
We're not making fun of people with glass eyes . . .
or
glass breasts!The guy in this
story has a
wooden eye!

RICKY
I still think it's risky!There are a lot of very
compassionate people in the business.Like
Steven Speilberg.He
may not have a fake eye,
or a hare lip but he's so compassionate, he'd worry

that somewhere in the world there's a poor little girl
with both a fake eye and
a hare lip, and if she saw

our film, it would break her little heart.And Steven
Speilberg would get so mad, he'd ruin our lives
forever. We'd be lucky if he didn't have us killed!

LUCY

But not everyone's a squishy soft Democrat like

Steven
Speilberg.Remember, Bruce Willis
is a

conservative Republican.He'd
probably love it

if we made a film about a guy with a fake eye.He'd probably be so pleased, he'd give us all jobs
on his next film.

FRED

Maybe not.It's
true he's a conservative Republican,
but he's also bald, so he might not like
people making
fun of other people's deformities.

LUCY
I don't care!I
don't care who we offend!This is
my artistic vision!You guys
promised to make this
film with me!It's
too late for you to back out now!!!!Now,
come on!It's time to shoot the
first scene.

EXT.A SMALL CLEARING IN THE WOODS--DAY

LUCY is speaking very seriously, directly
into the camera.

LUCY
This is the site where a family of settlers lost their
way in the Nineteenth Century.Without
any food,
they were literally starving to death."Daddy!Daddy,"
the children cried, "We don't like Mommy's
hare lip!!!" "Shut up and eat around it," their father is
reported to have
said.

EXT.CAMPSITE IN THE WOODS - LATER

RICKY is leaning back against a tree.

RICKY

All this talk about fake eyes makes
me think of the funniest thing I ever saw in my entire life.It was Sammy Davis Junior's face after he got hit by a pie on the Soupy
Sales Show.Sammy was doing a guest
appearance with Frank Sinatra, and I'll never forget the look on Sammy's face
when Soupy smacked him with that pie.

It was the perfect combination of
shock and lost dignity.It was the
best!Better than Stan or Ollie or
Larry or Moe or Curly or anybody.There's
no point in ever throwing a pie in anybody else's face, because Sammy Davis Jr.
has already done the best possible reaction.Then a few nights ago, I was channel surfing, trying to find something to
watch on television, and I found a documentary on Frank Sinatra.It showed Frank in the back seat of a car, talking about the Soupy Sales
Show, and he said Soupy came up to Sammy on the side with the glass eye, and he
literally blind-sided him.Sammy
didn't see the pie coming.So that
great reaction wasn't talent - it was just natural.That was the most disillusioning moment of my entire life.

FRED
No it wasn't.

RICKY
Yes it was.

FRED
No it wasn't.

RICKY
Yes it was!

FRED
No it wasn't.Because
even if he didn't see it
coming, it was Sammy Davis Jr.'s great talent
that made
him look like he did when he was hit
by the pie.And that's what made him great.

RICKY
Maybe you're right.

EXT.A PATH IN THE WOODS --DAY

LUCY, and RICKY and FRED are walking
through the woods, passing around the videocamera.

RICKY
I'm not sure it was such a good idea to make this
film in
the woods.

LUCY
The story takes place in the woods!Where else
could we make it?

RICKY
The woods are sort of monotonous.I mean, how
interesting can we make all these shots of leaves
and dirt.Besides, its hard to put
product placements
into the woods.

FRED
What's a product placement?

RICKY
That's like if you're making a movie, and you have
the hero
drive a Lexus, then the Lexus company is
so grateful, they give you a free car.

FRED
Wow!That's
cool!Put me down for that!

LUCY
No one is going to give us a free Lexus for
doing a student
film.

RICKY
Okay, but what about McDonald's?We could
do a product placement for McDonald's!

LUCY
You want us to put in references to McDonald's?Why?So you can get a free
happy meal?

FRED
Sounds good to me.

RICKY
But free happy meals is only the beginning.We could make a deal for cross-promotions.McDonald's could give away little Wood-Eye
Man and Hare-Lip Woman toys
for the kids
to play with.

RICKY picks up some twigs off the ground,
and holds them up, pretending they are Happy Meal toystalking to each other.

RICKY
"Would you like to out to McDonald's with me
for a
Quarter Pounder?"Would I?Would I?""Hare lip!Hare
lip!"And then McDonald's
would pay us a fortune!

LUCY
I'm not going to sacrifice my artistic vision to make
a
fortune.

FRED

Why not?I
mean, what makes you so great?You
think you're better than George Lucas?I
bet he's
sacrificed lots of his artistic vision to make a fortune!

LUCY
Don't talk about George Lucas while the camera is
rolling!

RICKY
I bet George Lucas doesn't even like Jar Jar Binks,
but he
knew he could make a fortune in merchandising
if he put Jar Jar in the movie,
and he knew he had a
duty to everyone who had a share in the profits of
the
movie.

LUCY
Don't talk about George Lucas while the camera is
rolling!!!

RICKY
Why not?

LUCY
Because we want to get jobs!Remember?No
one is going to
give us jobs if we bad-mouth
George lucas!

RICKY
I'm not bad mouthing George Lucas!I think he's
a great patriotic American.The more money he
makes, the greater it is for our economy.

LUCY
Putting Jar-Jar Binks into his movie so that he can
make a
lot of money does not make George Lucas
a patriot!

FRED

Hey, I like Jar-Jar Binks.

LUCY
Stop talking about Jar-Jar Binks while the camera
is rolling!Do you guys want to get
jobs or not!

RICKY
I just think it's great that George Lucas can be so
flexible.

LUCY
This is my movie!And
if I say we don't talk about
George Lucas or Jar-Jar Binks while the camera is
rolling, then we don't talk about George Lucas or
Jar-Jar Binks while the camera
is rolling!

FRED
It might be nice if some other directors could learn
to be
as flexible as George Lucas.

LUCY
Stop talking about George Lucas!!!!!

Tempers are beginning to fray.

EXT.CAMPSITE--DAY

LUCY and RICKY and FRED reach an open
area that is fit for a campsite.Lucy
notices an ominous noise.

LUCY

Listen!What's
that noise?

RICKY
What noise?

LUCY
It's getting louder!Can't
you hear it?

RICKY
No!

LUCY
It sounds like it's right on top of us.How can
you not hear it?

RICKY
Maybe I could hear it if Fred would stop playing
with that
Thunder Tube.

FRED is indeed playing with a Thunder
Tube -a hollow device with a metal
coil on the end that makes weird sounds.LUCY
grabs if from FRED and hits him on the head with it.

From behind the surrounding trees and
rocks, fantastic creatures stick their heads out and look at the kids.There are vampires, witches, werewolves, monsters, apes, Santa Claus -
whatever the wardrobe and makeup budget can handle.

EXT.INTERIOR OF THE TENT --NIGHT

It's a dark, dark night.The three film makers share a tent.

LUCY
Listen!!!

RICKY
What?

FRED
I don't hear anything.

LUCY
You don't hear anything?????

FRED
Just the normal sounds you hear in the woods.You've got to expect the local critters to make
some noise.

LUCY
(shouting at the top of her lungs)
Shut up out there!!!We're
trying to get some sleep!!!

All the mysterious noises stop.

EXT.A PATH IN THE WOODS--DAY

The next morning, the three film makers
are walking through the woods.RICKY
is in the lead, with his back to the camera.He is followed by LUCY, who is followed by FRED, who is shooting the
scene.

LUCY
Are you sure this is the way to where the cabin's
supposed
to be.

RICKY
I think so.But
I'm having a little trouble because
of my depth perception.

LUCY
What do you mean?What's
the matter with your
depth perception.

RICKY turns around.One his eyes has been mysteriously replaced with a wooden eye!

RICKY
Are you making fun of my wood eye!Don't you
make fun of my wood eye!Don't you say anything
about my wood eye, if you know what's
good for
you!

LUCY
Okay!Okay!Calm down!

RICKY turns back and walks along the
path.LUCY falls back to confer
with FRED.

LUCY
Did you ever notice before that he has a wooden
eye?

FRED
No.I never
noticed that.But sometimes I miss
these things.It took me fifteen
years before I noticed
my father only has one nostril.

LUCY
This is so weird!I
would have sworn he had
two normal eyes!You
know, this could actually
help the film.

FRED
How do you mean?

LUCY
Instead of just being a horror film about a guy with
a
wooden eye, this could promoted as an insightful,
sensitive, caring project this
is both by and about a
man with an artificial eye.A man dealing with his
inner demons and his wooden eye.A man who is
not afraid to look his own wooden eye in the face
and see
the truth!

FRED
Wow.We've got
to send a copy to Peter Falk.

LUCY
Absolutely!

RICKY calls back to FRED and LUCY.

RICKY
You two better not be talking about my eye!!!

EXT.CAMPSITE IN THE WOODS--DAY

LUCY is talking to RICKY.

LUCY
I'm so sorry.I'm
so sorry.I wasn't trying to
make
fun of you.I never even noticed
before
that you had a wooden eye.It
seems kind of
obvious now, but before it fooled me completely.It must look very natural under certain light.

RICKY points into the camera, indicated
FRED who is filming the scene.

LUCY
What are you talking about?He doesn't have
a wooden eye.

FRED
(off-camera)
What do you mean I don't have a
wooden eye?Are you kidding me?

FRED hands off the camera to RICKY,
who aims the camera at FRED, showing that he now has a wooden eye.

FRED
I've got a wood eye, just like he's
got a wood eye.It's why we agreed
to do this film, isn't it?Don't
pretend you don't remember!We
asked you if you
would like us to work on your film, and you said,
"Would
I?Would I?"And we said, "Hairy lip!Hairy
lip!"Don't pretend you forgot that!

LUCY
(off camera)
That's hare lip!Not hairy lip!Hare lip!

FRED
Looks pretty hairy to me.

RICKY turns his camera on LUCY,
revealing that she now has a huge mustache!She slowly reaches up and feels the hair on her upper lip, and screams in
terror.

LUCY
What's happened to me?I got a hairy lip!I
never had a hairy lip before.

RICKY hands her the camera.

LUCY
And you. . . All your eyes are wood
eyes!

She turns the camera on her fellow
film makers.Now each of them has
two wooden eyes.They stumble
blindly through the woods, like crazed zombies.Being blind, the GUYS keep waking into trees, tripping over shrubs, etc.

RICKY & FRED
Wood Eye!Wood Eye!Wood Eye!

LUCY
Hair lip!Hair lip!Hair lip!

They stumble along until they exit
the woods, onto a busy road.

EXT.CIVILIZATION--DAY

They're out of the woods.

LUCY
Oh, look!Civilization.

RICKY and FRED pull of their fake
wooden eyes, and LUCY pulls off her fake mustache.

RICKY
I'm glad that's over with.

LUCY
Now we can sell this baby and be
big time film
makers.

RICKY
We'll have the studios pounding on
our doors.

LUCY
Offering us six picture deals!

FRED
We'll be bigger than Jar-Jar Binks!

JUMP CUT TO:

INT.ALICE'S BEDROOM --DAY

ALICE speaks into the video camera:

ALICE
But they were never heard from
again!So now
I'm going to go with
my film crew and try to find
out what happened to them.

EXT.THE EDGE OF THE WOODS--DAY

ALICE and the two guys in her film
crew, RALPH and ED, enter the woods.They
hand their videocamera back and forth.

ALICE
Okay, here we are, going into the
same woods
that the first three film students went into.

The camera pans around the woods.

ALICE
You guys see anything?

RALPH

Nope!

ED
Not me.

ALICE
Okay, let's get out of here.

They leave the woods.

EXT. --OUTSIDE THE GATE OF A MAJOR FILM STUDIO --DAY

Alice and Ed stand outside the
entrance to a major film studio, while Ralph goes up to talk to the guard at the
gate.

ALICE
There were rumors that the film
makers came
here to try to sell their film, so we're going to try to
get inside
to talk to some film executives.

Ralph comes back.

ALICE
So what did he tell you?Can we go inside?What
did he say?

RALPH
If we did what he said we should do
- this would be
a porno film.

ALICE
Let's try another studio.

EXT. --STREET NEAR THE STUDIO --DAY

Alice and Ed are looking at the place
on the street where they parked their car, but there's no car there.

ALICE
Where's my car?What happened to my car?

RALPH

Don't look at us.

ALICE
A car does not just disappear!It doesn't drive
off by itself.My wallet and all my credit cards
were in that car.Everything but the forty bucks
in my back pocket.

ED
Maybe the Hare Lip took it.

ALICE
That is not funny.That is the unfunniest thing I ever
heard!

RALPH
Or maybe you shouldn't have parked
it in tow away
zone.

RALPH points to a sign that says this
is a tow-away zone.

ALICE
Okay.We'll take a cab to the next studio.

She reaches into her back pocket to
find some money.

ALICE
Where's my money?I had forty dollars in my
back pocket!!!Where is it?

RALPH
You don't have any money?

ALICE
This isn't funny!Did you take my money?

RALPH
No!

She turns to Ed.

ALICE
Did you take it?

ED
No!I swear!I never
touched your money.Absolutely not!I swear on my mother's grave!On
my father's grave!I swear on the
graves of
everyone I have every known and loved that I did
not take your money.

ALICE
You didn't take it?

ED
Okay, I did.I bought some lottery tickets with it.

ALICE leaps at ED to strangle him,
but RALPH holds her back.

ALICE
I'll kill you!I'll kill you!

RALPH
Take it easy.

ALICE
I don't have any money left!

RALPH
We'll think of something.

EXT.FREEWAY OFF-RAMP--DAY

ALICE and RALPH are holding up signs
which say:WILL FILM DOCUMENTARY FOR FOOD.They
aren't getting any takers.

EXT.A LONELY STREET IN A BAD AREA OF LOS ANGELES--EVENING

ALICE and RALPH are walking down a
street.ALICE notice that Ed isn't
there.

ALICE
Where's Ed?What happened to Ed?Ed!Ed!He's gone.He disappeared, and now we're going
to disappear!We're all going to disappear and never
be heard from again, like those
first three film makers.I'm so
sorry.It's all my fault.You
and Ed were so
wonderful.You came
to make this film for me, and
it's my fault you're never going to be heard from
again.Please forgive me.

ED strides up to her.He has a fist full of money.

ED
Guess what?We won five hundred bucks in the
lottery.

ALICE
Give me that, you moron!

She grabs the money.

EXT.OUTDOOR RESTAURANT--EVENING

RALPH, ED and ALICE are seated at an
outdoor cafe, waiting for the dinner they've just ordered.

RALPH
So, you think we're ever going to
find out what
happened to those first film students?

ED
We know what happened to them.

ALICE
What?

ED
They were never heard from again!

LUCY, RICKY and FRED walk by in the
background, taking orders and delivering meals.They've all become waiters.

RALPH
Well, who cares?Based on the film they left behind,
they weren't very good film makers
anyway.

ALICE
You're right.Our film is much better.

LUCY, RICKY and FRED glare at ALICE,
RALPH and ED.

ED
Our "Hare Lip Project"
will make us famous as the
greatest documentary film makers of all time!!!

The
author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own,
personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the
author's permission. Without limiting the
foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express
permission.