The Sarah Palin Facebook Translator

"Refudiate," we have taught the ex-governor by now, is not a word. Not even on Twitter, where she took to defending her vocabulary this week. But it's on Facebook where Sarah Palin takes to pushing her policy, her endorsements, and her general paranoia. Because if you can't hold office for that whole final year, what better way to talk to two-million constituents at a time than through a thousand whole words on the "Notes" section?! And even if you take her postings seriously, they're still pretty difficult to understand. Since Palin is sort of running for president but not really, we combed through her oeuvre with fine-toothed erudiation.

What She Said: "To build a mosque at Ground Zero is a stab in the heart of the families of the innocent victims of those horrific attacks... Many Americans, myself included, feel it would be an intolerable and tragic mistake to allow such a project... This is nothing close to 'religious intolerance,' it's just common decency."

What We Think She Meant: New York Muslims just want to build a community center (not just a mosque) two blocks away from Ground Zero (not at Ground Zero). The 9/11 terrorists were violent extremists, which means that peaceful moderates should stay away.

What She Said: "Rahm's slur on all God's children with cognitive and developmental disabilities — and the people who love them — is unacceptable, and it's heartbreaking."

What We Think She Meant: When the White House chief of staff called liberals "f----ing retarded" for opposing health care reform compromises, he expressed bigotry against the less fortunate — who, by the way, could run the country better than liberals.

What She Said: "We will request federal stimulus funds.... These types of funds are not sensible for Alaska."

What We Think She Meant: The ex-governor only wanted $514 million from Washington instead of the $930 million offered because the other 45 percent would come with strings attached, such as updating Alaska's building codes. (Alaska has never had a 9.2-magnitude earthquake that killed 131 people.)

Translation: The stimulus is socialism incarnate and will destroy America — but, hey, at least I'm not taking all of the blood money.

What She Said: "Alaskans understand the tragedy of an oil spill, and we've taken steps to do all we can to prevent another Exxon tragedy, but we are still pro-development."

What We Think She Meant: The occasional disaster is inevitable because people are fallible, but we still need to power our infrastructure and provide millions of jobs. The important thing is to make sure safety regulations are as stringent as possible, which is why the ex-governor opposes all government regulations.

What She Said: "[T]he terrorist threat requires a commander-in-chief, not a constitutional law professor."

What We Think She Meant: "Underwear bomber" Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was going to reveal who ordered him to destroy a Detroit-bound airplane — until authorities explained that he had the right to remain silent. (Otherwise he would have never known about Miranda rights, because no one watches American TV shows in other countries.)

Translation: Suspected terrorists do not need rights; we already know they are guilty, because they are suspected terrorists.

What She Said: "Laughter incited by sexually-perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a 14- year-old girl ... contributes to the atrociously high rate of sexual exploitation of minors by older men who use and abuse others."

What We Think She Meant: When David Letterman joked that Palin's daughter "was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez" while at Yankee Stadium, he was clearly referring to Bristol, who had already been "knocked up" by (future hubby) Levi Johnston. Unfortunately, the Palin daughter at the game was Willow, still a minor. This was clearly not an honest mistake.

Translation: David Letterman clearly belongs on the national sex-offender registry.

Subject: "Just When Ya Think It Can't Get Any More 'Interesting'... Welcome, Neighbor!"

What She Said: "[Journalist] Joe [McGinness] announced to Todd that he's moved in right next door to us. ... Wonder what kind of material he'll gather while overlooking Piper's bedroom, my little garden, and the family's swimming hole?"

What We Think She Meant: McGinness, a respected journalist, rented a house adjacent to Palin's while writing a book about her — but not because he is writing a book about her.

Translation: This guy has a few things in common with David Letterman.

What She Said: "Gear up! In the battle, set your sights on next season's targets! ... Shoot with accuracy; aim high... No matter how tough it gets, never retreat, instead RELOAD!"

What We Think She Meant: We don't want to think about it.

Translation: Why have a civil discourse when we can have a civil war?

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