INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending the event with the person they wanted to be their date, sources reported this evening. “Wooo! Prom night!” 18-year-old Amanda Schumacher shouted, despite the fact that she…

MILWAUKEE—While speaking to reporters prior to Saturday’s game against the St. Louis Cardinals, Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun admitted he consistently follows an elaborate, superstitious routine in which he always makes sure to step into the batter’s box before swinging at pitches. “I know it’s crazy, but…

Joanne Chesimard, a member of the Black Liberation Army who killed a New Jersey state trooper 40 years ago and has since fled to Cuba, was named one of the FBI’s Most Wanted Terrorists, becoming the first woman ever to appear on the list. What do you think?

CLEVELAND—A week after hiring the former Lakers head coach, Cleveland Cavaliers general manager Chris Grant announced at a press conference Wednesday that the team was most excited about Mike Brown’s total willingness to coach the Cavaliers. “From the moment he expressed some interest, we knew we had our guy,” said…

NEW YORK—An American entertainment magazine has run, in its most recent issue, an article about comedian and actor Louis C.K., sources reported this week. “We decided to publish an article describing how Louis C.K. is dominating the world of comedy across a variety of media,” said an editor of the magazine in…

BETHEL PARK, PA—A routine Schaeffer family movie night took a sudden and deeply uncomfortable turn Thursday when the family of four was forced to white-knuckle its way through an unanticipated sex scene, household sources confirmed.

Citing knife and saw marks on the bones of a 14-year-old girl who is believed to have died of starvation, researchers concluded that the colonists in Jamestown, the first permanent English settlement in the Americas, ate the girl’s flesh and brain during the winter of 1609. What do you think?

AKRON, OH—Calling the situation dangerous and a rescue operation “very risky,” authorities have confirmed they will now lower a rescue chip into a seven-layer dip to save a broken Tostito that got caught in the party spread approximately 45 seconds ago.

WARRENSBURG, MO—Speculating that it’s probably meant to make the grass greener or fuller or something, living room sources reported Thursday that local dad Brian Winfield, 45, is currently busy throwing little seeds of some kind all over the front lawn. “He’s been at it for a few hours now,” said Megan Winfield, 15,…

New Zealand, which requires government approval of all baby names before they become official, released a list of the names it has rejected, including “4Real,” “Anal,” and a symbol of a star. What do you think?

GAINESVILLE, FL—After being waived by the New York Jets and so far receiving no offers from other NFL teams, former Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow was reportedly sitting alone in the darkness of his alma mater’s deserted football stadium, sources confirmed Wednesday.