Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Kindy Days

Almost a week ago Evelyn attended her first day at Kindy and I have been wanting to document her day and her reaction here ever since. However, I have found it extremely hard to try and unweave my contradicting feelings about the day, the kindy and the way she held herself. Im still not quite there yet... I can't quite work out what is my main emotion toward the day.Evelyn had been asking to go to "school" for months. She was so jealous that her little friends and her cousins all went to school and she was missing out on this magical place! So when my favourite kindy called and said they had availability for 2014 I jumped at the days, even though I wasn't ready for it. I took her to the orientation day and she ran off and left me behind. From that point on I was fairly confident that school is exactly what she needs at this time in her life.Her first day finally rolled around, after weeks on end of her asking when it is time for school. I was nervous, but excited and so very happy to have had Anthony coming along with me. I had all the normal concerns, what if she screams, what if she hates it, what if she is picked on or doesnt make any friends? What if she is hurt and I can't cuddle her, what if she asks for me and I don't come, what if she feels scared and lonely? I realised that for the first time in her life, I wouldn't know exactly what she was doing with her day. I wouldn't know who she spoke to, what she played with, conversations she had, emotions she felt. She was to be completely out of my reach, completely out of my control and my supervision. We were walking towards the Kindy and she told me, 'no hold my hand Mummy'. I almost gasped. But then I realised, my concerns were merely my concerns. She had this and I needn't worry. As I opened the gate for her to walk in she asked, 'okay, hold my hand Mummy'. So I did, for just a few seconds and then she let go and ran toward her classroom. No fear, no worries, no anxiety. Just pure excitement for what school was going to give her. We put her bag into place and we walked outside to play and talk to her teachers. She stood by my side for just a few short moments, she observed the area, she soaked it all in and she decided that this was the place for her. She was safe and it was... awesome! She ran away from me without even a word and she began to play.I stood and spoke with her teachers for a short while and I watched her to make sure she felt secure and safe. Then once I knew she was comfortable I went and told her that Mummy and Daddy will be leaving now and can she come and say goodbye. To which she responded, 'no Mummy', and she continued to play.We said our goodbyes and I reluctantly walked out the doors leaving my Daughter in the hands of perfect strangers for the very first time. I spent the day toying with my emotions. Was I heartbroken, was I proud, was I happy?To be honest with you, her complete disinterest in saying goodbye to me did hurt a little bit. I felt less needed than I ever had as a Mother. But in the days following last friday I have come to a happy place. I feel so truly proud of her. Proud of myself. Me being as shy and socially awkward as I am, I thought that I would raise children who had the same insecurities. But, Evelyn proved to me that I have raised a young girl that is feel of confidence, is secure within herself and is independent. She is incredible and it amazes me how easily she walked into that situation, with not a single worry about how her day might play out. She just knew that she wanted to be there and that she was going to have fun.When I came to pick her up she was playing happily with other children in the sandpit. I called her name and her little, beautiful face lifted up and I saw her eyes beneath her hat scanning for where the voice had come from. Once they landed on mine her entire face lit up with pure joy and in that moment I could see how strong her love for me is. In that moment I knew that even though she is becoming more independent from me, she will always need her Mummy.She had such a beautiful, fun filled day and has been asking to go back ever since. Tomorrow is her second day and I cannot wait to see that excitement in her face again. I am amazed how something that I had been dreading doing has bought so much happiness to her, and our household.My baby girl is fast becoming a person of her own and I just could not be any more proud.I love you Evelyn Rose