99 things a meme can do

Started my own blog – Er, you’re reading it. I’ve also started one in my own name on the wonderweb and one in my own name at work. Which is why I’m posting here so much less often and so many of the posts are memes.

Slept under the stars – Don’t think so. In tents and barns and things, but not under the stars.

Played in a band – Be glad, be very glad that I haven’t.

Visited Hawaii – No. I do like islands, but prefer them in more northerly climes. Shetland. Orkney. The occasional Hebridee.

Given more than I can afford to charity – No. Yes. The Atheist Bus, since you ask.

Been to Disneyland/world – In no circumstances.

Climbed a mountain – What counts as a mountain? Technically yes, in that I’ve progressed vertically under my own propulsion above 1000′ but actually no.

Held a praying mantis – No. Tarantulas and snakes yes. Mantises, not yet.

Sung a solo – See 3 above.

Bungee jumped – Absolutely not. Far too fond of my spine.

Visited Paris – Worked there, but not done the tourist thing. It’s a town. Don’t like towns.

Watched a lightning storm at sea – Yes. I watched the Newhaven ferry racing the lightning strikes into harbour. Fun.

Taught myself an art from scratch – May mentioned poetry here, so I think I will too.

Adopted a child – No.

Had food poisoning – No.

Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty – It’s in America. It’s in a city. It’s in an American City. So that’ll be a No then.

Grown my own vegetables – Yes, not many and not successfully, but yes.

Seen the Mona Lisa in France – No. Paris. Cities. No.

Slept on an overnight train – Yes, on the train up to the Ice Hotel in Sweden, and incredibly exciting trips to Scotland and back when I was a wee snippet of a blogling.

Had a pillow fight – Yep. Sisters, brothers, boarding school.

Hitchhiked – No.

Taken a sick day when you’re not ill – No. Not capable of the necessary lies.

Built a snow fort – Surprisingly, no.

Held a lamb – Probably. But my grandma used to keep goats, and I’ve certainly held and fed kids. They are wildly enthusiastic for food and their tails rotate like helicopter blades. Enchanting, even after decades.

Gone skinny dipping – Yes.

Run a marathon – No.

Ridden in a gondola in Venice – No, though Venice is on my long-list of places to go.

Seen a total eclipse – Twice. Or been there while they were happening behind clouds, anyway. Cornwall in 1999 and Ceduna in 2002. Hope to go to Cairns in 2012 if I can get the cash together.

Watched a sunrise or sunset – More times than you can shake a stick at. I was born on the Cotswold escarpment with views westwards over the Severn estuary into Wales and beyond. In the winter the sun would set early and to the right, in the summer, it would set late and to the left. It’s given me a need to live with distant horizons ever since. My current horizon is a cozy mile away. I like air.

Hit a home run – No

Been on a cruise – No

Seen Niagara Falls in person – No.

Visited the birthplace of my ancestors – I was born in the birthplace of my ancestors – or in the same house that my grandmother was born in, anyway.

Seen an Amish community – No

Taught myself a new language – No

Had enough money to be truly satisfied – Yes. It was nice while it lasted, and it’s left me with a sense of deep gratitude that I can pay my bills even if I cannot afford frivolities.

Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person – Yes. Disturbing, like something designed by MC Escher. But smaller than you’d expect.

Gone rock climbing – No, just sea-side stuff as a child.

Seen Michelangelo’s David – Yes. And the waiter at one of the nearby restaurants was a dead ringer; those Etruscan genes are strong.

Sung karaoke – See 3 above.

Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt – No.

Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant – No.

Visited Africa – No.

Walked on a beach by moonlight – Probably. I’ve seen a lot of moonlight and I’ve walked on a fair few beeches. And as I’ve mentioned recently (was it here?) a favourite activity is driving by moonlight with the lights off. The moon must be high and at the correct angle to slightly damp straight lanes. Oh, and I turned my lights off once on the M50, but it was Christmas Evening and there was no one, but No One but No One there apart from me.

Been transported in an ambulance – No.

Had my portrait painted – No.

Gone deep sea fishing – No

Seen the Sistine Chapel in person – No.

Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris – See 12.

Gone scuba diving or snorkelling – Yes, in Trinidad, or was it Tobago, visiting my sister.

Kissed in the rain – Yes. Snogged like a cheap movie in the Tottenham Court Road in one of those downpours where the sky simply spills itself onto the ground below like a torn tarpaulin. We even had a begger come up and say “you make a lovurr-ly couple”. That was the sum of our romantic encounter, but hey.

Played in the mud – That is what mud was for when I was little.

Gone to a drive-in theatre – No.

Been in a movie – Oh, surprisingly, Yes. Well, a made for tv special. They filmed Cider with Rosie in our part of the Cotswolds and recruited yokels to turn up at the village fete. Enormous fun.

Visited the Great Wall of China – Yes.

Started a business – Yes. And ran it for 8 years. I had employees and everything.

Taken a martial arts class – Tai Chi in Glasgow really should count: none of that “imagine a ball of shining light” crap. This was “Ye’ve got hiss elbow in one hand and hiss rist in th’other”.

Visited Russia – No

Served at a soup kitchen – No.

Sold Girl Scout Cookies – No.

Gone whale watching – No.

Got flowers for no reason – For myself, every week in the summer. For others, whenever it seems good.

Donated blood, platelets or plasma – I have been turned down on five separate occasions for five separate reasons. (Had a cold too recently, had acupuncture, they wanted to go home, just come back from abroad, not had enough breakfast). There’s only so much rejection a girl can take so after that I thought “fuck this for a game of soldiers” and kept my blood to myself.

Gone sky diving – Absolutely not.

Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp – No. I should have done and I could have done, I could have gone to Dachau when I worked in Munich and I knowingly and consciously bottled out.

Bounced a check – Not that I can remember.

Flown in a helicopter – Yes. Took a helicopter flight with my Big Bro over the 12 Apostles in Australia. Here. See. Look at the nice photies. Oh, and I read that as “Flown a helicopter” to which the answer is no, but I did stop learning to fly because I enjoyed spinning the plane too much. I realised that here was a sport that could kill me. And a friend let me have a go in one of the flight simulators at Heathrow, so I’ve landed a 737 there, in theory at least. It wasn’t a bad landing but the best Best BEST bit was destroying Terminal 3 by taxi-ing through it. Deep joy.

Eaten caviar – Not sure. You’re never entirely sure if it’s yer-actual caviar at these things or not.

Pieced a quilt – No.

Stood in Times Square – No.

Toured the Everglades – No.

Been fired from a job – No. Though I’ve been ‘let go’ a couple of times. And that is most certainly a possibility again.

Seen the Changing of the Guards in London – No.

Broken a bone – Not a one.

Been on a speeding motorcycle – Yes.

Seen the Grand Canyon in person – No. The best thing I can do here is quote May: “Have not been to States. Have you seen the Giant’s Causeway? Helvellyn? The Kyles of Bute? Trafalgar Square? Lavenham? Edinburgh Castle? The walls of York? Wells Cathedral? No? Why ever not?”

Published a book – No.

Visited the Vatican – No.

Bought a brand new car – No. Though I’ve had some rather nice second hand ones.

Walked in Jerusalem – No.

Had my picture in the newspaper – Yes.

Read the entire Bible – No. But I bet I know it better than you do.

Visited the White House – See 79.

Killed and prepared an animal for eating – Yes. Rabbits. We used to pick ’em off with a .22 with a silencer and telescopic sights. Hard to imagine just how illegal that would be these days.

Had chickenpox – Yep. I only have one scar, on my sacrum. Impressive self-control that. I picked it up aged 17 from the nasty little boys in the prep-school were I was undermatroning at the time.

Saved someone’s life – No.

Sat on a jury – No – but would be fascinated to do so.

Met someone famous – Arnie, once, in a tiny airfield in the middle of the Arizona desert. Yes, I have been to the US, but not much and not far and not for long.

5 responses to “99 things a meme can do”

1. Started my own blog – Started it, WordPress was broken, so I stopped. I was “The Comical Engineer”, and I think I’m probably glad it didn’t work because I’d probably waste a lot of time and get into trouble for posting my opinions, which are quite often repellent.
2. Slept under the stars – Last time I slept directly under the stars was the night I found out Douglas Adams had died. It unaccountably upset me very, very much and my bizarre response was to go out and lie in my back garden in a sleeping bag and look at the galaxy.
3. Played in a band – Nope. I have a tin ear. I also have a left-handed Stratocaster, so be afraid, be very afraid.
4. Visited Hawaii – Not yet. Maybe one day. I wanna windsurf from Lanai harbour to Molokai, but I think I’m already getting a bit old for that…
5. Watched a meteor shower – Yep, many, many times. Best one was in about 1986 on a jetty in Coniston Water. Lying flat on my back, and one meteor was so sudden and so bright I actually flinched.
6. Given more than I can afford to charity – Yes. When I was a student I once emptied my wallet onto the hand of someone selling the Big Issue, and went without three meals as a result.
7. Been to Disneyland/world – Nope.
8. Climbed a mountain – All the time. Three of my hobbies are: (a) climbing mountains (b) sliding down mountains sideways (c) walking off mountains into the sky.
9. Held a praying mantis – Yes. Also used to keep stick insects when I was ten or so.
10. Sung a solo – Tin ear. See above.
11. Bungee jumped – Bradford University Bungee Jumping Club founder member.
12. Visited Paris – Many times.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea – Yes. From a boat, worryingly (at the time).
14. Taught myself an art from scratch – Juggling is an art, right?
15. Adopted a child – Nope. Not formally.
16. Had food poisoning – Yes. My own fault. I’m more careful with chicken now. Didn’t eat for over a week, and at the end of it went on a stag night. The groom’s first words when I arrived at the hotel were “What the f**k happened to you?”. Apparently I looked like a Thunderbird puppet, big head and weedy body. Skinny is not a good look for me.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty – Didn’t see Liberty until after 9/11, and you’re not allowed up there any more.
18. Grown my own vegetables – No.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France – Er, obviously. Where else are you going to see it?
20. Slept on an overnight train – Yeah, when interrailing in 1988.
21. Had a pillow fight – Oh yes. Top foreplay when you’re fifteen.
22. Hitchhiked – Not yet, but for cross country paragliders it’s a common way of getting back to your car, so I expect I will eventually.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill – I’m on one now.
24. Built a snow fort – Oh yes.
25. Held a lamb – Rescued one that had got separated from its mummy. The four year old girl I was with clearly considered me a superhero as a result.
26. Gone skinny dipping – Mmmmmmm.
27. Run a marathon – shouldn’t this have been number 26? No.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice – No, because they’re a pointless ripoff. I have eaten a rather nice dinner in a restaurant where the gondoliers passed by the window, though.
29. Seen a total eclipse – Proposed marriage under the 1999 one.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset – All the time.
31. Hit a home run – I’m an Englishman.
32. Been on a cruise – Yes. Never want to see Africa again.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person – No.
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors – I know nothing about my ancestors.
35. Seen an Amish community – No
36. Taught myself a new language – Hai. Or if you prefer, Hija’. (Japanese, and Klingon.)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied – Yes. Hope it lasts.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person – Not yet.
39. Gone rock climbing – All the time, properly with ropes indoors and on a more ad hoc basis in the Lake District.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David – Yes.
41. Sung karaoke – yes. I’m afraid I was very drunk.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt – No.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant – No.
44. Visited Africa – Yes. Don’t want to go back.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight – Yes. See 26.
46. Been transported in an ambulance – No.
47. Had my portrait painted – No.
48. Gone deep sea fishing – No
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person – 1988.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris – Wow, a question clearly for Americans, who would probably answer “Yes, in Vegas” if you didn’t include the qualifier. And yes, I have, several times.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling – Anywhere there’s clear water, yes.
52. Kissed in the rain – Yes.
53. Played in the mud – Oh yes. That was top foreplay too when I was fifteen.
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre – No.
55. Been in a movie – no. I turned down a professional acting career at fifteen. Never regretted it. Wouldn’t mind being an extra, though.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China – No.
57. Started a business – No.
58. Taken a martial arts class – Lee Style Tai Chi, Shotokan karate, Tae Kwon Do, Wing Chun, kickboxing.
59. Visited Russia – No
60. Served at a soup kitchen – No.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies – I am an Englishman.
62. Gone whale watching – No.
63. Got flowers for no reason – Yes. Which, it turned out, was top foreplay, although that hadn’t been on my mind, or at least no more than it normally is.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma – needles make me pass out, so no.
65. Gone sky diving – Oddly, no. I swim through the sky rather than dive.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp – Heck no.
67. Bounced a check – No.
68. Flown in a helicopter – Yes. AND actually flown a helicopter, yes. The most terrifying experience of my life, bar none. Those machines are actively trying to kill you from the moment they leave the ground, and you can FEEL it through the controls as you fly.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy – Yep. Loads, in fact. My loft is packed.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial – No.
71. Eaten caviar – Yes.
72. Pieced a quilt – No.
73. Stood in Times Square – Yes. Weird. You look around at this place of utter familiarity, this movie set of a place, and you want to stop people and say “why are you just going about your business? Look around you! This is TIMES SQUARE!!”
74. Toured the Everglades – No.
75. Been fired from a job – Yes, in all sorts of ways. For directly insulting my boss when I was a paperboy (crap job anyway). For being injured during Territorial Army training (temp contract not renewed). Made redundant also, which was the best thing that ever happened to my career.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London – No.
77. Broken a bone – Two fingers, landing a paraglider badly. Could have been much, much worse. I’m a lucky man.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle – On the back of my stepbrother’s at 105mph. Eek.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person – No. The best thing I can do here is quote my girlfriend’s son, who saw it at the age of six. He took one look at the mile-wide wonder and said “It’s a hole in the ground. What’s so great about that?”
80. Published a book – No.
81. Visited the Vatican – Yes. Isn’t this just question 49 again?
82. Bought a brand new car – Three so far.
83. Walked in Jerusalem – No.
84. Had my picture in the newspaper – Yes. Hasn’t everyone? Not a NATIONAL one, though.
85. Read the entire Bible – No. But I bet I know it better than you do.
86. Visited the White House – Another Yank-centric question, how tedious. No. But I’ve been to 10 Downing Street.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating – No.
88. Had chickenpox – Yes. Got me an extra week’s holiday in Malta because they wouldn’t let me fly home spotty, and didn’t itch at all, which was great. I’m a lucky man.
89. Saved someone’s life – Dunno. Does talking someone down from suicidal intentions count?
90. Sat on a jury – No – and rather miffed I’ve never been asked.
91. Met someone famous – a few. Thanked Derren Brown for answering a fan email, to which he responded “Ooh, what was it about? Because I hardly ever actually do that…”. Met Douglas Adams in Waterstones in Manchester, and didn’t speak to him. This is my main regret in life.
92. Joined a book club – Hahahaha. No. No need.
93. Lost a loved one – Yes.
94. Had a baby – I’m an Englishman.
95. Seen the Alamo in person – No. Good grief.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake – No. I have, however, swum ACROSS Windermere, Coniston, Ullwater, Derwent Water, Haweswater and TWO Angle Tarns. You can keep your Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a law suit – No.
98. Owned a cell phone – What a bizarre question this seems like to an English person. I had the same number for nine years until I had to change it because an ex wouldn’t stop calling me.
99. Been stung by a bee – No, oddly enough. I have a vague nagging worry that I’ll turn out to be one of those people who goes into anaphylactic shock and I’ll get stung one day and die, which would be a dull way to go.

1. Started my own blog – Thought about it…can’t be bothered.
2. Slept under the stars – No, sleeping in a tent is as far as I go and that’s rare
3. Played in a band – Not yet.
4. Visited Hawaii – Nope.…
5. Watched a meteor shower – Indeed, yes. Though getting into the country with no light pollution means you can see the odd meteor, plenty of satellites and our arm of the Milky Way any time you like.
6. Given more than I can afford to charity – No, but I do give.
7. Been to Disneyland/world – Definitely not. My sister has taken my quota luckily.
8. Climbed a mountain – Plenty.
9. Held a praying mantis – Some time in the dim past at Infant/junior school.
10. Sung a solo – Not yet.
11. Bungee jumped – No, I don’t trust the type of people who can’t get a proper job as they probably can’t do maths and I don’t want to bungee land.
12. Visited Paris – Never, full of the French.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea – Yes, in Wales.
14. Taught myself an art from scratch – Origami, magic, guitar, juggling, cooking.
15. Adopted a child – E-gads no.
16. Had food poisoning – Yes.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty – No, it’s French.
18. Grown my own vegetables – Tried to but failed – next year maybe.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France – No, I’d have to meet French people to do that.
20. Slept on an overnight train – No.
21. Had a pillow fight – Oh yes. Top foreplay when you’re fifteen.
22. Hitchhiked – No, I might get picked up by a French person.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill – Not yet.
24. Built a snow fort – Of course…when we had enough snow fall to do that.
25. Held a lamb – Dismembered bits of lamb. Does that count?
26. Gone skinny dipping – Not yet.
27. Run a marathon – Do I look mad? I have a car.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice – Not been to Venice – too close to France.
29. Seen a total eclipse – yes.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset – Who hasn’t?.
31. Hit a home run – No, the only time I have hit a ball striaght was when I stepped on a garden rake.
32. Been on a cruise – No, would drive me mad.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person – No.
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors – Yes, Skye.
35. Seen an Amish community – No, but if I did I’d throw Top Gear DVD’s at them.
36. Taught myself a new language – VBA for MS Access and Excel. I think that counts.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied – To be satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person – No.
39. Gone rock climbing – Yes.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David – No, still trying to see Lytham St Anne’s Les Dawson.
41. Sung karaoke – Do I look like the sort of person who would go to a bar that had that on?
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt – No.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant – No.
44. Visited Africa – No, bits of it are owned by the French.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight – Yes.
46. Been transported in an ambulance – Yes.
47. Had my portrait painted – No.
48. Gone deep sea fishing – No
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person – No.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris – See answers above concerning garlic-chomping, cheese-eating, lamb-burning surrender monkeys.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling – Yes, would like to do some proper SCUBA.
52. Kissed in the rain – Yes.
53. Played in the mud – Of course, British…it’s in the genes.
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre – No.
55. Been in a movie – No.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China – No.
57. Started a business – No.
58. Taken a martial arts class – Jodu, Shotokan Karate.
59. Visited Russia – No
60. Served at a soup kitchen – No.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies – I nearly bought some yesterday but had no cache. (Ok, that joke is the only reason I’m doing this list thing…and now I’m not sure it was worth it.)
62. Gone whale watching – No, unless you count nigt club on a Friday night in Manchester.
63. Got flowers for no reason – Yes.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma – No, needles don’t agree with me.
65. Gone sky diving – Not yet.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp – No.
67. Bounced a check – No, nor have I bounced a cheque.
68. Flown in a helicopter – Not yet.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy – Yes, apart from my action men which were given away by my moronic mother.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial – No.
71. Eaten caviar – Not yet, scared I might turn into a Fenchman.
72. Pieced a quilt – No.
73. Stood in Times Square – No.
74. Toured the Everglades – No.
75. Been fired from a job – Yes, shitty Saturday job that paid peanuts…no great loss.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London – Yes…they wear boxers.
77. Broken a bone – Left forearm.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle – Nope.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person – No.
80. Published a book – No.
81. Visited the Vatican – No.
82. Bought a brand new car – No, always second hand.
83. Walked in Jerusalem – No.
84. Had my picture in the newspaper – No, I aim to keep it that way.
85. Read the entire Bible – Not yet.
86. Visited the White House – No.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating – Not yet.
88. Had chickenpox – Yes.
89. Saved someone’s life – give money to Air Ambulance so yes by proxy because the NHS can’t be arsked.
90. Sat on a jury – No, sounds tedious in the extreme. I’d vote by post. Guilty the lot of ’em.
91. Met someone famous – A number of them.
92. Joined a book club – Why?
93. Lost a loved one – Yes.
94. Had a baby – Not even by proxy.
95. Seen the Alamo in person – No, but 3 cheers for Ozzy!
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake – No.
97. Been involved in a law suit – Not yet.
98. Owned a cell phone – Yes, but the most basic one you can get.
99. Been stung by a bee – Wasps yes – twice – bee’s -no.

P.S. it may seem by some of my answers that I do not like the French however I have known many French people I have called friends along with many gay and black people…so I’m not a homophobic racist…I’m English…I’m allowed to hate the French.

P.P.S. The most gorgeous person I have known was French…actually her parents were Portugese but lived in France…no-one’s perfect though.