I'm sorry to hear this, Lolli, but at least he was peaceful and didn't spend a long time suffering. The message your gran passed on to you shows me he knew and had made peace with it. It hurts, of course it hurts. xxx and hugs

Yeah, I knew as soon as mum passed that message on last night. I text my gran to ask her to tell him I love him very much, and that he's like a dad to me, and she text back saying "he knows", so although I didn't visit him yesterday (and regret that) he did know how I felt about him.

Poor mum and uncle have been up all night - I got to bed around 12.20 this morning.

I nearly ended up going to Swindon for the day earlier - I'm a massive ice hockey fan and our team are playing down there tonight. But it'd be an 11.30 - 12am return home, and we all need our sleep tonight! Will be at the home game tomorrow, in my usual voluntary role - he would've wanted me to go and be surrounded by friends.

I just spoke to my best friend - she's amazing, has contacted some other friends for me, and has offered her house as a sanctuary later if I feel like getting out and about and seeing her. Other friends have text, and asked me to pass on their love to my family.

I just can't believe it. I've still not told work, I don't know if I need to, or if I'm even entitled to any time off, or what to do.

Work knew of his illness, and just yesterday I was telling my immediate manager that things had deteriorated and that the next two days were critical. Said manager isn't in today, and I've only got his mobile number, so think I will wait til Monday morning, then phone the main office number.

Lollipop, it is normal to be numb at this stage, yes. Little cries to start with then when the "shock" reaction wears off (and even though you were expecting it, it's still shock that your body goes into) you'll find you cry more.

So sorry to hear of your loss.

I don't think you are automatically allowed compassionate leave for a grandparent, but, depending on how nice your work are, if you tell them he was more like a father to you, they might let you have it.

Thumbwitch my work are lovely people, but not a lovely company iyswim? I'm actually looking for another job. We're also short staffed as another guy left, so there's really no chance of leave.

I really want to be involved in planning his funeral too, so I'm hoping they'll at least let me have half a day here and there, if needs be. Or hopefully I'll be in another job soon (have an interview Monday morning...)

Well, it's all becoming very real. We've got a date for the funeral, and a cause of death (we got a post mortem). Disseminated thoracic malignancy - lung cancer

I've picked some music for the service, which has made me feel more involved, and I'm working on a poem I'd like to read, if I can. I'm also writing a letter to my granddad, and will ask the funeral director if I can leave it, and a photograph, with him.

I want to go and see him, but I'm a bit... scared? Nervous? I'm not sure. I know he won't look like him, he didn't in the hospital, so I can accept that. I think I'll regret it more if I don't go, like I regret going into work that Friday, when he died on the Saturday morning.