In the midst of divorce, now, more than ever, my children look to me. "They look to me to see how merciful and generous I am in good times. They look to me to see how strong and faithful I am in bad times. They watch, they listen, and they model. Years from now I want my children to remember a childhood lived well, with a mother who was loving, consistent, devoted, funny, disciplined, playful, and totally present and emotionally available."(Kristin Armstrong)

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Friday, November 23, 2012

One Day at a Time

So funny to recall the 70s sitcom that I watched faithfully. And until just 2.5 years ago to the day, I had no idea that One Day at a Time referred to anything other than the Valerie Bertinelli show of my childhood.

Even after a few months of program, it was frustrating to be "dismissed" with this slogan when I needed for others to understand how demanding and impossible my life had become. It was not until I cobbled together my first ideas about a power greater than myself(which was the group) that I could apply this slogan to my life. Because without faith in something besides myself or my angry and critical AH, patience did not exist. How could I deal with today when the past was such a wreck and the future promised be the same. But nothing changes if nothing changes. I was dying to try something new.

Today, this slogan gives me my life. Now able to identify when obsessive shame of past and fear of future are competing for my attention, i am able to redirect myself, often repeatedly, by saying "this day is all I have, this moment" Today, I see that worry does not prepare me anymore than suffering in shame absolves me. One Day at a Time, I strengthen my practices of slowing down and accepting the limits of what I can do(that is constructive).

Today, I know that One Day at a Time is the only way to keep moving from where I was to where I mean to be. It's not easy but is more simple and dignified than my habitual awfulizing and wearing myself out attempting to do the undoable.

I have this weekend to recover from a virus, do all holiday decorating, shopping, relaxing,....before my little boys return and rightfully rely on me 24/7 for all things.

My list is just a list. All I really HAVE to do is my recovery, physical and spiritual. I think I'll go curl up with a book for now.