Bark Ranger (2015) Movie Script

1 Welcome to McKenzie Lake Park... A beautiful family campground way up north in the middle of nowhere. Really. No, seriously. There's nothing around here except for wide open nature and deep woods, which is really cool if you like bugs and mosquitoes and hears and snakes and... Well, you get the idea. I can't knock it too much, though. It's got its perks. Besides this is where I live with my best friend, Jack. This is where a really awesome adventure took place one summer. What's a great adventure without a super good-looking hero? Uh, guys? I'm down here. Keep going. No, keep going- There I am. Wary-arm Amman? See what I mean about good looking? Am I right? Our story really gets going the day Jack and I got into town. Oh yeah. Something so satisfying about sticking your head out the window. There he is. There's my best bud, Jack. That's Jack's dad Blake. He's a park ranger, which also happens to be my name-Rangen. Nice to meet you. I don't know why they named me after the guy's job. Just glad he's not a barber or a guy who installs toilets. That would sound stupid when you called me at the park... "Hey, Guy-Who-installs-Toilets, get over here?" Anyway, Jack and I were best friends. In fact, I was probably Jack's only friend around here. See, he was pretty lonely at the park, so... so coming into town was a big deal for us. There were new things to smell and Jack got to hang out with other humans and stuft. Okay, I want you and Ranger back in the truck in half an hour. Can we make it an hour? We hardly ever get to come into town. No, pal. I'm sorry. I got a quick meeting at the town council and then I got to get back. They cut the budget, so I got a lot of work to do. All right, 45 minutes and not a minute more, okay? - Thank you. - Don't get into trouble, - not like last time. - All right. Come on, Ranger, let's go! Come on! This is awesome! There's not much to do at the park, so when we came to town, we lived it up! 'Cause Jack's dad was the park ranger, well, we had some perks that came along with that! Oh my gosh, delicious! Hey, let me ask you, is there any greater meat in the world than hot dog? Honestly? Yep, I'd say our little town parties were always amazing! Well, almost always amazing. Well, well, well. If it isn't Park Boy. Hey, Frank. Ollie. Guys, I just want to eat my ice cream. - I don't want to get in any trouble. - No! Not the ice cream. Nobody messes with my best friend, buddy. You just crossed a line. Oh, I get it. You're still mad because you got caught trying to hand in my book report. Gamma? (d? Two against one isn't really fair, guys. Oh don't worry. We'll take turns. Okay, but there's one thing you guys gotta remember. - What's that? - Ya gotta catch me first. Let's get him. Ma: This ain't over, Keller! Okay, I have a confession to make. I love the taste of rubber! Here's the thing, though, what's a really good adventure story without a couple of really bad guys? You think those bullies were had, we", they're nothing compared to these bozos. These guys are dan-ger-ous! - Let's do this. - Yeah. - You clear on the plan? - Oh yeah. We go in and burgle the safe. "Burgle"? What's with the fancy words, Carl? Technically, what we're doing is burglary not "roblary." Carl, technically, we're robbing the joint. Carl, don't forget your disguise! Right. - Gt it? - Yeah, wait till you see! All right. - Hello! - Can I help you? Just came to set up for the party him u. - You're not in the book. - Hmm? Oh, huh, that's because it's a surprise party. Yes. Shh. Don't tell anybody. It's a secret, you know? If you're setting up for the party, what's with the clown costume? That is a fine, fine question, my fine, fine friend. And I think that that can best be answered in two parts, the first of which may... Helium mixed with knock-out gas. Gamma, {fife. No. Heard it from other hardened criminals like us. Come on. Hey, remember when I said these guys were dangerous? Yeah, well, I meant they were dangerous to themselves. You know, 'cause they're dumb! Carl, there she is! Okay, I'll have this safe open in two to seven hours. Hey Carl, snap out of it! You must have inhaled some gas. Uh-huh. - What's that for? - This is the dolly. You put the safe on the dolly, and you wheel it up to the van. You got it? Yeah, I'll meet you out there. - Good job, bro. - Thank you, sir. Carl, what are you doing? Move it! Man, this is heavy! You know that's on wheels, right? Yeah I know! For the ramp. Oh, right. - Recess? - No, Carl, the jig is up! Move. Move it! - Ooh, wait a second. - Carl! Yoink! Hey, hey, hev! Good job, little bro. Thanks, big bro! Uh, Cafl? Yes, Larry? You wanna go a little faster? Maybe step on it, ace? - It's not me. Must be the safe. - A little faster. - It's heavier than we thought. - A little faster! - The engine can't take it! - Yo. - Parking brake's on! - Oh. Uh'. N Fez'.! I can't see! I can't see! I can't see! Carl, get the balloons out of the car! - I like them! - Get rid of 'em! - Fine! - Not in the car! Carl, not in the car! - I'm gonna turn down here. - No, keep going straight. Oh, okay. So while those two geniuses were pulling ofl' that mega heist, I was at home with Jack, and yeah, he was feelin' pretty low. I mean, no one likes getting bullied, right? There's a whole big world outside this old park. And I'm not gonna see any of it 'cause I'm stuck here. And nothing exciting ever happens around here. You don't really care, do you? You don't have these problems. Well, my only real problem is that my best bud's feeling so low all the time. "We", that was all about to change. Pretty soon, Jack would have all the adventure he could handle. No, really. It's gonna happen. Soon. I promise! - Hey. - Hey! Any more news today? The council's gonna keep the campground open for the time being. That's good news, isn't it? Yeah, but if we don't get a huge injection of cash soon, they're gonna close the park We're gonna have to move. (m. Arm. Although, you know, maybe he could use a change of scenery. You think so? I loved growing up here. You know my best friend was practically a woodchuck. Yeah, but when you were growing up, there were a ton of new kids coming in all the time. And now, not so much. H u. Yeah, maybe you're right. Everything's gonna be okay, baby. Ilsa, What was his name, anyway? - Whose name? - The woodchuck. - I called him Sir Chews-a-Lot. - Oh my gosh. Yeah. I was kind of a weird kid. Don't shoot! Man, that does work every time, no? I told you. Carl? Once again you've made a fine mess of things. Do you see any cops around? You see any civilization around? Once we get through these hills, we're gonna be on easy street. Population, us! So population of two. You know it! Not a problem. I have a spare. Carl! Well, that's not too... Yeah, you know, this is my bad. I accept that. - Carl. - What? - There she is. - Our baby! Our baby. Oh yeah. Phew! It's safe! Wow, you never kissed me before, but you'll kiss the... - Smarten up, huh? - Okay. Magnum. - Cabin. - Well, I mean a cabin. [B more luxurious, BEE! Wan (flaw. - No, you... Yeah. - No, I'll go. - Nice. - Carl! - What's wrong? - Get it off of me! - Larry! - Get it off of me! I can't see! Well, this is it, Chloe. A new start for us. - Isn't it exciting? - Sure thing, Mom. Uh-oh! Ls somebody getting a bit low blood sugar? Here, have some wheatgrass juice. Oh, I've tried. D E Hi! Welcome to McKenzie Lake! Bill, Are you passing through or will you be staying with us for a while? Just absorbing the vibe of this place. There's a real green aura to this land. Because of the trees, maybe? Of course, yes. We are planning to stay awhile. I'm Lisa. This my charming daughter Chloe. Hello, Chloe. I'm Sharon. Nice to meet you. She's quite a reader. I want her to spend more time outdoors... Get in touch with nature. I want her to drink in the spirit of this place and be reborn anew like a mighty phoenix! Phoenix speech again. Oh boy! Well, if it's nature that you want, - we have that in spades. - Well, fantastic. We will set up camp, we'll do some yoga, maybe some Tai Chi, and then I will make you a pot of chai tea! Tai Chi, chai tea! Say that three times fast! Uh, say Chloe, I have a son Jack who's about your age. Mama; mm. Oh look, there he is now! Hey, Jack, come meet Chloe. I was thinking maybe you could show her around the park? You could take her to the fishing spot? Uh, sure. That would be great, won't it, Chloe? Wan. Welcome to my shack, Larry. Knock it off! This place is perfect. Nobody's been here for years. We lay low a couple of days, and we steal a truck and it's "Hello, Tahiti." Hey, me and Bonesy here have the exact same shoe size. Sweet! We hunt, we fish, we live off the land like our ancestors did. Our ancestors from the slums of Philly? No, from my imagination, Carl. Oh, like my imaginary friend Keith. - Hey, Keith. - He's actually over there. Wan. - What do ya got there, Carl? - Hmm, sorry? Mmmmm. Just playing with my pocket lint as usual. - Let me see what you got there. - No, come on. Just a trifle really. Okay, but only three a day, just until I fashion some sort of a hunting spear. I agree with that plan 100%. Carl? What have you done? - Why would you do that, Carl? - I regret nothing. - What else have you got? - No, I got nothing. Show me. What's this? What's this? I have another bag. - No! No! - Carl! So, you like your books, huh? I was in the library club at school... my old school. What's it like living up in the big city? We actually live in the suburbs. I didn't get to go into the city much. Man, I'd love to go see a pro baseball game. - You ever go? - No. I'm not really into sports. Psst Jack, say something! What about one of those monster truck jams? Like they have in the big stadiums? Aw, not that. This is embarrassing. - Me to the rescue! - Hey, who's this? Oh, that's my dog, Ranger. - He's so cute! - That's me. The world's greatest wingman... Er, wing-dog. Wing-dog? Do you want to give it a try? Well played, Jack! Can you eat these fish if you catch them? Yeah, we fry 'em up in a pan. They're really good. I haven't eaten anything with a face since my Mom went crazy vegan after the divorce. - Guess that kind of sucked. - Yeah. - So can I give it a go? - Sure. Okay, so with your left hand, you use your finger to pull this string. Oh man, fishing is so boring! And then you flip this over. Then release. Geese! Hello! Catch me one of those, why don't you? Just reel it in slowly. - You'll get a hit soon enough. - A hit? - A fish on the line. - Oh. Whoa! I think I got one! Is it a goose? - That's it! - What now? Uh... keep the rod tip up. Let the fish take the line out if it wants to. - I think it wants to! - You caught a big one! Aw, it's just a fish. I'll still have some! [EEG] Okay, let's get cracking. RBI-Ii? "Cracking." Cracking the safe. [Em-away words. How's the safe-cracking going? Oh, bees. - Carl! - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Carl, give me a sledgehammer. Hey, Larry. Larry, are you alive? Just a few more minutes, Ma. Emma-aim I know I'm your favorite. What are ya doin'? I'm waking you up... gently. - Did I get it open? - Absolutely not. Now watch closely. They're not gonna give me any. Holy cow, that's good. - Oh, sorry. - Oh yeah, so the vegan gets fish, and I'm sit-tin' here starvin'? How does that make any sense? Hey, I ever tell you the story of my Great Uncle Philo's secret gold? Only about a hundred times. - No, I wanna hear this. - Okay. Well, Philu, he was a crazy old coot. He spent years tromping through these woods looking for gold in every nook, cranny, and crevice he could find. One day he came into town with a bagful of gold nuggets. He said he found a cave lined with gold. So everyone came out into the bush with gold fever, but they didn't find even a speck. They said Philo is faking. - Was he? - No idea. Well, Philo got a team of horses? And he came down and tried to haul out as much gold as he could carry. Now a couple weeks later, horses came back. No Philo. What do you think happened to him? Probably [mm. Great story. I've only heard it about a gazillion times! Now about that fish. I guess I have told that story a few times. It's okay, Dad. Keep on going. Okay. Well, they say Philo built a cabin somewhere. Nobody mm; You know what we need? Dynamite. That'll open this thing right up! Yeah! Dynamite. We blow this sucker! No! It's liable to damage the stuff inside. No, the stuff inside'll be fine. The dynamite won't damage it. See? - It was open the whole time? - I guess so. I must have loosened it with the sledgehammer! Wan. - Gold. - G0ld. - Carl? - Yeah? When you cased the joint, you said there was five million in bills. Right. [NEE Well, I just thought that, you know, "bullion" was like another nickname for money. Like, uh, dinero, cashola, coin, shekels, rubles, bullion. Who knew? Everyone in the world knew but you, that's who. I could'a hired anybody for this job. Everybody wanted in. Lefty Leroux. "Oh yeah," I said, "Hey, Lefty, take a walk!" Yeah. Mickey "The Shank" Muldoon, "Slippery" Jim McFie, his brother Spiffy, they all wanted... I said, "No, you don't get between brothers." That's me and Carl... That's you! The colossal bonehead! I always liked Lefty Leroux. - He tried to kill you! - I mean, other than that. He has kind eyes. - You know what he ain't got? - What? Five million in gold bullion! - We're rich! - We're rich! We got five million in gold bullion! We got five million [II] Go! Go! Go, Carl! Go, Carl! I'm going to go find Jack. Mammy. Nu'.! Negativity, Chloe. Blocking mama, Weird smells. I love it! - Hey, Jack. - Oh, hey, Chloe. - What are you doing? - Just some of my chores. - Do you need some help? - It's all right. I got it. Okay. What is this place? Just my old family shed. There's a lot of old junk in here. Where'd all this stuff come from? [53]] over. Some of it belonged to that crazy old great, great uncle of mine. - The one in the story your Dad told? - Yeah. Don't eat anything you find, Ranger. Mom doesn't wanna clean the carpets again. What? A guy eats one expired doggy treat and... Ooh, hey, what's that? Doggy treats? WEEKS; 55515111153112, What's in it? - I can't eat that! - Whoa. Hey! Macaw; Mafia. This belonged to Philo T. Keller. That's your uncle! Says here that there's supposed to be a map somewhere to his gold claim. Let me see. What the heck does this mean? "Two-step from one"? "Beware the Sands of Thyme"? "Follow the wrong path"? Maybe Uncle Philo was crazier than we thought. Still, that old jacket might clean up pretty nice. What? Are you kidding? This is an adventure waiting to happen! - An adventure? - Yes, an adventure! C'mon, I can't spend the whole summer cooped up in that tiny RV with my Mom doing yoga poses and drinking wheatgrass juice! Yuck. I guess it beats doing chores. Do you know how much fun this could be? - Pretty fun. Yeah. - And there might be gold! Do you know what we could buy with gold? Emit; We'd be rich! Are you in? Partners? Partners. - Partners! - Oh, gimme one sec! Ranger, keep it down, would you? He's ready to get this show on the road! - Always. - I'm in meetings most of the day. I'm guessing you guys are good with that? - Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah. - Oh yeah. Back here at 4:00, okay? - All right. - Let's get to the library. - Okay. They've gotta have some info on old Uncle Philo. - It's just a couple blocks away. - Okay. Looks like Park Boy's got himself a girlfriend. I wish I had a girlfriend. We're gonna make him look like a loser right in front of her. Yes! So, those are the guys that pulled off that massive gold heist? They look like a couple of dorks. Totally. - May I help you? - Uh, yeah. Do you keep the old town records here? Vase, Urn... we're looking for information? On my great, great uncle. Well, your mutt's going to have to wait outside. Hang on. Who's she calling a mutt? Oh no, he's fine. He'll curl up in a corner and probably go to sleep. Uh, wait. I'm not tired. Fine. If we could just access your computer database, please? I think we'll be good to go. Here's our database. Knock you rselves out. Excuse me, should I be napping? I'll take that as a yes. Don't give up, GUYS- Hey, wait a second! I've seen a dog like that before in town. I've got an idea! Maybe they're related. Maybe that's a lead! Okay, you guys keep shuffling papers. - I'll be right back. - Ranger, where are you going? Jack! Jack, come take a look at this article! Tamika? "And his trusty dog Eric cash in some gold "from a secret gold claim"! So the story about Uncle Philo wasn't just some crazy old legend! The gold claim's gotta be in here somewhere! Yo! Get away from my house, ya stinkin' mutt, or I'm gonna bite ya in half! Easy, sailor! Listen, I got questions. I got no time for questions! Any of your relatives ever have a human named Philo Keller? Yeah, maybe they did, maybe they didn't. Now look, my buddy's looking for something that belongs to him, and I saw this dog in a picture that really looked like you. Yeah, yeah, that would probably be - my great, great, great, great... - Come on, get to it! Hold on. Too many greats there. That was my grand-pappy you saw. He left us somethin' to take care of. Been handed down paw-to-paw for generations. - Well, can I see it? - I don't know. - What's in it for me? - How about I don't step on your head? Mm, If you dig up a bone, the deal is off. It's not a bone. It's around here somewhere. Wait, I got it! I'm gonna find it! Ah, It's like watching small, fuzzy paint dry. How 'bout less wise-crackin' and more helpin'? Just wake me up when you're done, okay? Hey, Chloe! It's Uncle Philo's gold claim! It's still valid, too! One problem though. The longitude and latitude have been torn from the original document. Uncle Philo must've taken it with him to keep the location a secret. So if anyone tried to jump his claim, he could reattach it to prove it was his. Sneaky old dude, wasn't he? So there's no way of knowing where it is. - It could be anywhere in the state. - I guess so. Come on. There you are, boy. [fin-Gym u. What's up? What do you got there, boy? Open it and find out. And then get ready to shower me with rewards! What is that? Whoa! Is that the map we read about in the journal? How did you find this, boy? A little something I call being awesome! And there's my rewards. - Delicious! - I can't believe we found the map! Uh, sorry. Just excited about finding the map. Yeah. Me too. ALQR-a u. Come on, bud. Where'd you get that? It was just sitting there. I'm surprised you didn't... You can't eat 80-year-old beans! Sure I can. I'm eating them now. - They'll make you sick. - No, they won't. Larry? Yes, Carl? My tummy hurts. [Gamma aiming]? Okay, come on! Let me enjoy my squirrel! You and your girlfriend tryin' on dresses, Park Boy? Friends of yours, Jack? Not really. Then it's none of their business what we're doing. One of your campers, Park Boy? One of my friends, Ollie. Hey! What is it? Your parents don't give you enough attention? Or do you have self-esteem issues? - What? - So is there a reason you're a bully? Or are you just a big doofus? - You're lucky you're a girl. - I know. - So, nice weather we're having. - Yes. Yeah, it's good. It's good. Wait till school starts, Park Boy. - Looking forward to it. - Are they keeping you back a grade? - You know what? I should... - What? Fight a girl? Well, this girl has a brown belt in Tai Chi. I think the little one just pooped his pants! A brown belt in Tai Chi? Well, I own a belt that happens to be brown, and I figured those guys wouldn't even know what Tai Chi was, anyway. - Thanks, Chloe. - What are friends for? Right around this time, Jack's dad got some really bad news from the town council, and it was going to change everything. We knew this could happen, right? Wan I just didn't think it was gonna happen so soon. I know. I just wonder how Jack's going to take this news. Take what news? Well, Jack finally got his wish. They were gonna close the park. But that's not so had, 'cause now we can finally go exploring the world like he wants to. Not now, Ranger. [NEE Okay, fine! Amp; I'll go get the ball and give you some space. Hey, Jack. That was kind of mean. He'll get over it. WEEKS wrong? I don't want to talk about it. Okay. Do you want to talk about the map? - No. - What about the gold? Shouldn't we get started to plan our... I don't care about the gold either. It's all just one dumb old story my stupid Dad told. Why don't you go read some books? Do some yoga. You know, I don't know what's going on with you... I guess it's something pretty bad... But you don't have to be so mean about it. - I thought we were friends. - I'm outta here. Hey, Chloe, what's up? Where's Jack? You mean the grumpiest boy in the world? So we've had a bit of bad news. It seems the campground has to close at the end of the summer 'cause the town doesn't have enough money to keep it running, and Jack is taking it kind of hard. Mam Mm. So where are you guys going to live? Yeah! Where are we gonna live? Um, that's a really good question. Jack and I have lived here our whole lives. - This is not good. - I don't know yet. We haven't figured it out. This place was our dream. Hey, at least we got to live it for a while, right? Anyway, what are you doing? - Can you help me in the garden? - Sure. Great. Come with me! You thirsty? - A little bit. - Let's get some lemonade. - It's one of those lemonade days. - Yeah. Oh, I'm going to miss this place. Jack and I grew up here. So many good times and memories. Oh hey, there's those geese! What was I saying? Oh, yeah, right. Things are never really as bad as they seem. That's why you never hear dogs complain. We know that no matter how bad things get, they can always get worse. I mean better! They get better! I always thought I wanted out of here. Live in the big city. But now that it's happening... it's not making so good. If only there was some way to save the campground. Oh! There is a way for you to save the campground! But I'm just a kid. What can I do? The answer's right in your pocket, Jack. I just feel so helpless, Ranger. Well, let me spell it out for you. Oh wait, I can't spell. Ranger, what do you want in there? - This? - You're welcome! Are you getting me a treat? Oh yeah, it's the other map. Holy cow! Ranger, you're a genius! Tell me something I don't know! We can find the gold and use the money to save the campground! I gotta tell Chloe the good news. You better apologize to her first, and then get me a treat. I should probably say I'm sorry first. And get Ranger a treat! That's the important part here. - Let's go! - Oh right, the apology then the treat! Larry, I'm really hungry. Meanwhile, the rocket scientists were still in the woods trying to find food that wasn't rancid garbage. - You thinking what I'm thinking? - Mm-hm. [Totally ma] No, Carl. The car. We're totally gonna steal the car? - So we can get the gold out of here. - Right. $331515? FIR, Wm??? Ila-amen I thought you could hotwire a car. - Hotwire it! - I don't know how! How could you not know how to hotwire a car? You were arrested for car theft! Yeah, but they left the keys in the one I stole! Come on, just hotwire it! - What's the matter? - Don't hit me like that. - Come on, the wires. - I don't like it. - Quit it! - The wires. Binggg Bangg! Boom! [EEG] - Bye, Mom! - Don't forget your snack. Looks like somebody's feeling better. ENGINEER, - Jack, why don't you join us? - Thanks. I will. It's a great stress reliever! I can do Tai Chi. I just choose not to because it looks silly and I have dignity. Breathe, Jack. Be in the now. Is someone gonna karate chop something or something? Huh? Yesterday [HEEL-m Chloe, I'm really sorry. You should be. I thought we were friends. Wham, It's just... my life got kind of turned upside down and I took it out on you. - You're not the only one withproblems. - I know. Can I just be really, really sorry, so we can be friends again? Namaste. That was a great workout, kids. I think. Ooh, Ranger! - I found the key to the map. - Really? If we find the gold, we can save the park. The save [HM home. I guess if I don't help you stay, I won't know anyone when school starts besides Frank and Ollie. - Yeah, slim pickings there. - No kidding. [M: Mass-am] So the trail starts here. That's way deep in the woods. How do we get there? There's trails and old paths all through the woods. - We can just take our bikes. - That's a long way. We can get there by late afternoon easy. I'll stay here, hold the fort. ,, m: you're coming too. What? - There's one problem. - What? Promise you won't laugh? - Sure. - I don't know how to ride a bike. Oh, wait a second. Neither do I. - You said you wouldn't laugh. - I'm not laughing. It's just a tiny smile. Yeah, Jack, that's mean! - It's not funny! - Hey! Okay, so you don't know how to ride a bike. Big deal. There's not a lot of athletes in the library club! So we can just get extra bikes at the park. Do you want me to teach you to ride a bike or not? Yes! I'll get the first aid kit. I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's a little like Tai Chi. Yeah, and not falling on your butt. U Don't-don't pedaling. Just focus on your braking. Ready? G9! That's great! Nice. Nice. 0w! My butt! Why doesn't anybody ever listen to me? - Not so hot, huh? - Mm. Okay. Let's try it again. - All rig ht, ready? - O kay. Good. Keep going. You're doing good. - So better? The same? - Let's try again. I think it was better. Go- Go. Go. Go. Oh, I can't even look. So you wanna show me how to use the gears now? [EEG] So, what groceries did she leave for us? Cookies? Chips? Oh! Those little cocktail wieners? I can't wait to eat those. Wig [E a toothbrush. Are you trying to tell me something? - What have we got there? - Dog food. "Veggie with real meat chunks"? - That's pretty good. - For real? Yeah, it's better than that stuff we got in prison. - Let me have some. - Yeah. - Huh? - Mmm, good. U Wonderful. Yeah. Come here, come here. One for you and two for me. Ma: Get that off your face. Chug, chug, chug! This is the best day ever! All right, so we got apples, granola bars and some water. And doggy treats or I'm not going! Seriously? Then what's in this for me? So we head... that way. Can I at least chew on that dialy thingy? - What's that? - It's a compass. We don't need that. I have GPS on my phone. Good luck getting a signal out there. Trust me, this is the thing to use. That's my boy! Raised in the woods using a compass. He's gut it gain' on'.! The paths are gonna get rough. - Are you sure you can take it? - You bet. Let's roll. - Larry, are we there yet? - Almost. - Larry, are we there yet? - Don't ask me that again, please. Are we lost, Larry? Just let me concentrate for a second! Would you like me to pull out the map - of the hidden shack in the woods? - Yeah, you do that. - Show me the map! - I don't have one. We didn't create one. Why would you bring it up then? Don't answer that. Hang on a sec, that tree looks so familiar. So we're heading the right way. Okay- (dim?) C. Attaboy. Hustle it. Hustle it up! Malayan. - You gotta work out more. - You could help me. I am! I opened the back of the thing. Now I'm going to close it. Em'? Listen up, you fine folks from the Cedar Creek area, we got reports of two fugitives on the loose... One with some kind of a silly, striped shirt, and the other with a velvet leisure suit. Please report any signs of them to the authorities. Now back to our music. - We better get going. - No, not until nightfall. And we get rid of the other van. Someone could find it! Way out here? Not likely. Did you hear that? (mm I'm gonna go pee! What is this doing way out here? I don't know. Weird. Should. There you are. So how far have we come since we left the main path? I think we're about... right here. Hmm. This isn't right. According to this, the path to the gold claim starts below here. - So? - So the path we're on winds down. - This doesn't wind. - Let me see. Then it starts... down there. - Oh yeah. - I think. Let's. Ranger. Did you hear that? We gotta follow them. Are you nuts? Let's get outta here. - We'll make a run for the border. - Which border? Whichever one we hit first. I hope it's Hawaii. If they find out and report that we're driving a stolen truck - full of stolen gold to the... - Cops. You know what that could mean? They'd get an award from City Hall? No, you giant numbskull! It means we lose everything! I did not eat charred squirrel, sleep on the floor, and wipe my butt with itchy leaves to walk away with nothing! Those leaves were pretty itchy. I say we follow them, steal this gold they're talking about. But wait, we already have gold. This way we get more! Isn't that just greedy? We're criminals, Carl! Is there any kind other than greedy? Gamma. - Let's make a move! - Yeah. Go! Carl! Blake, it's Hank over at the Sheriff's office. Hey, what's up, Hank? We got a positive print ID on the Festrunk brothers. They still in the area? Looks like it. We got all available units on this, but not enough to cover your area. Want me to keep an eye on it? It's a long shot, but you never know. Yeah, my boy and his friend are in these woods. I'm on it! "Hey, if you see the Festrunks, ca" it in. Do not approach. Over. Copy that. Can't promise you that, Hank. Go- Good. Remember when we had to take school in prison? Whoa, man! Don't remind me. That teacher was mean! Yeah, they were hard on ya, but firm but fair, you know. Yeah, but the multiplication... Wait a minute! I smell something! Something dangerous... and stupid. I think someone's following us. And they're not being very smart about it. Wait a minute. What if that van belonged to the guys who stole that gold? Yeah, you're right. We better get outta here! Larry, don't move a muscle. It's just a retriever. A a. What's it gonna do? Lick us to death? - Head for the cabin! - You made him mad! Move your feet, little brother! Run, Carl! Target acquired! I'll never get that taste out of my mouth! No, wait! Larry! - Stupid dog! - Uh-oh! No, n0. no, no, no'.! Ranger! That was a gunshot. What if they hurt Ranger? Firing an antique firearm without thoroughly checking the barrel for obstructions? Was a poor decision on my part and for that, I apologize. $331515? $331515? My bad. Apology accepted. Now we shall never speak of this again, Carl. Let's go get those kids! Sure, I could go for some squid. Yes! Wait, did you hear that? What's that sound? - Ranger! - You didn't think they got me, did ya? Am I ever glad to see you, boy! Hang on! Your jacket smells like that shack those guys ran into. Oh! We should go! He wants us to go back there? - Ranger, the bad guys are over there. - I think they went that way. How do you know they're this way? - How do you know they're not? - Larry... Quick, follow me! Ranger, wait up! Ranger, why'd you want us to come in here? Oh, that's it! Skeletor here smells like the jacket! Not to mention old farts, yuck! Is that who I think it is? Van {fife I think it's Uncle Philo. I was right! My nose rocks! What's that? Wait a sec. It fits! Can I see the map? Yeah, sure. See? We're at the starting point. This is where the gold claim is. Kids! Quick, let's head out the back! Yeah, I'll just stay here and hold 'em off. Hey, why do I always have to do the dirty work? Kids? C'mon out. We've got ice cream! - Ice cream? - I like ice cream. Open up, kids. Look, we can explain about the SUV full of gold. Carl! They don't know the SUV is full of gold, - but now they do. - Forget what I said and just come on out for the ice cream. They're not going for ice cream! I got an idea! Does it involve ice cream? Come on. Malayan. Double! Double knot it! I know how to tie two knots, thank you! Come on, come on, come on! - Go for launch! - Going! Watch this! Carl! Ow- Carl! You okay, buddy? Where'd it get ya? In the toe! Up you go, buddy. Let's walk it off. Oh no! And now you're twins! Oh, those toe-shots really hurt, Carl! Boy, that sure takes the will to live right out of you, does it not? - Yes they do, little brother. - Let's go have a lie-down. THEME Hey, the kids. It hurts more when you walk. We can use Philo's map, and this should help us. If you weren't from the country, you wouldn't even know how to read that map. I guess you're right. Wig may. You know, these two monkeys just don't know when to give up! Carl, this way. I heard them over here. Larry, if we get in the trees, we can get a good vantage point. Carl, I'm stuck. Carl, watch out! Why did you throw that rock? They hear the sound there, we'll catch them coming around. But I was there when you threw it. I gotta stop these guys for good this time! Okay, so it says "Two step from one". What does that mean? Some kind of trick? I guess Uncle Philo was worried that someone would follow him to the gold claim, so maybe he set traps. 6333"' Mummy? It means two-step, a dance you do in country music. So why would we need to two-step across there? I don't know. Shall we? You're gonna have to lead, 'cause I don't two-step. A Randy-am. Where'd you learn it, city girl? My mom loves country music. Okay- Quick-quick, ,, slow-slow. Turn here. Now watch out for the bush. Wait a minute. RBI-Ii? There's poison ivy behind those bushes. Uncle Philo must have planted them there to keep people off his trail. Wow. Let's keep going. Rivers, hills, two bumbling bad guys. I'm gonna need a vacation after this. Maybe the South of France! Hey, that's Jack's dad! Wait up! - Ranger? - Okay, you come to me. My paws are killing me! Careful, those kids may have laid some traps. Hold it. Something isn't right. Why is there a number one on that tree? I don't know, but I'll tell ya I'm pretty happy there's not a number two on that tree! Wan. It smells like a trap. Oh no, no, no, no. It's all me. Yeah, a while back I stepped in a big pile of deer doo-doo. I'm talkin' huge! Like you wouldn't expect that much to come out of such a tiny, angelic creature like... How do you know it was deer duo-duo'? I saw him leave it there. - Then you stepped in it? - I walked over to look at it, - and then I stepped in it. - On purpose? I was curious how it felt. And? It felt squishy between my toes. You took your shoe off, Carl? Like I said, I was curious. Okay, we start here at the number one tree. What if that's the trap, huh? They get us to start here and then, boom, a trap gets us? Good point. You got a point. Why don't I climb into the tree and look for traps? Em u. - Easy, careful, careful. - Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Larry? - Yeah. - Would you give me a boost? - You got it, bro. - Thanks. - Okay. On three. - On three. I got you. - One, two, three, go! - One, two, three. Oh, I'm sorry. I went on three. Can u magma. - I got you. - I don't think you do. I ain't gotcha! - What? - Oh god. - Don't let go! - I got you, bro! [swam I think so. It was in my mouth! It burns, Carl! M; Mm. Help me! My tongue! What? What language are you speaking? I can't understand you! I hate the woods, Carl! I hate the woods! It says, "Follow the wrong path." Which one of these is the wrong path? "This way" or "that way"? Okay, according to this... we're supposed to be going that way. So the wrong path is no path at all. We should go straight. Your Uncle Philo must have had a lot of time on his hands {Em u. Ranger, keep an eye out. I'll keep a nose out for him, thank you. That works better for me. And by the way, why do people always think they can tell dogs what to do? What is this, the army? They can tell dogs what to do? What is this, the army? Th-B way? Thu way? - Which way? - Dunno. What if it's another trap? - Hmm. - Let's go that way. No! Think about it. Whenever someone asks you which way you're going, I always say "this way." Take the path that says "this way." No, no, no, no. That's not right. Whenever someone asks me which way I'm going, I always say "I'm going that way," not "this way." - I never say "this way." - Never? Hardly never. That's how they get ya. They get inside our heads, man! Next thing you know, boom, we walk right into another trap. What if we go around? Avoid the path altogether. Yes. Good idea. Wait a sec. That's exactly what they want us to think. Who knows what kind of traps lay out there beyond? Yeah, like quicksand over quicksand. Carl, quicksand? - Possibly. - Snakes and stuff? Underneath the quicksand. - You think there's bears? - Definitely bears. Here's what we do. I take this way, you take that way. If there's a trap on either one of these paths, it only gets one of us. I hope it's you. No offense. Likewise. Good luck, chump. - See ya, sucka! - Later! Carl? Carlito? Carl! Carl! Carl! RBI-Ii? HEMP Wait! Larry! It's me, Carl. I'm just covered in a net. It's all good! Come on, Larry, wait up! Mail, Wait. - What? - Let me just get out my map. It says, "Beware the sands of thyme," but it's not T-I-M-E. - It's like the spice. - Herb. - What? - Thyme is an herb. And that's important why? There's a patch of it right there. Well, I guess we'll just avoid this patch of spice-which-is- actually-an-herb. =@fli@~ =11W= Larry! Where have you been? Don't ever split up again! Do you hear me? These woods are dangerous. Pinky swear? We gotta find those kids and get that gold! - Let's do this! - On three: Go! Yup- Should be just around this corner. - Are you sure? - I hope so. This is it! REEF? Wow, this is amazing. It's gotta be here. We're getting close to that gold. I can smell it! It's so cool. - Easy, easy. - Wild thyme! Yeah, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. No, no, no. It's an herb. Thyme is an herb! I'm gonna take some of this. It'll go good with the dog food. Carlito! Once we catch those kids and get the rest of the gold, you can eat anything you want any night! - Take the thyme. Knock yourself out. - Yeah. - You okay? - Yeah, I think so. - What is that? - Lucky that didn't fall on us, huh? This is it! I knew it! We found it! Jack? I think you might want to take a look at this. Whoa! "All the shine has been mined." "Three spins of the round and it shall be found." So he mined all the gold? This is all that's left? It's not here, but somewhere. "Three spins of the round and it shall be found"? What does that mean? No idea. Aha! Gotcha! Carl? Oh, right. Ha! Ha! We gotcha! Yeah. Not so tough without your dog now, are ya? Quit hitting me with that headband light thing! FILER, Oh, you'll see what happens if you kick me again, kid! Yeah, we'll see him kicking you again. I can't argue with that logic. Pipe down, the three of yous! Don't rope me in with them. I'm on your side! Awn, Wm. Easy- Oh, you've got to watch this one. She's sneaky, Carl. [Him. Now that we have hostages, we don't need to wait for nightfall, bro. Let's get QOiHQ- Hang on. I'm a burglar, not a "hostager." The correct term is "kidnapperer," Carl. And we are out of options. - What? - Here's an option for ya. All right? Dad, he's getting away! No, he's not going anywhere. So where we going? - Huh? - That was a trick question. Hold still, ya big baby! We woulda got away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids. Yeah, and their dumb dog. - Whatever. - Actually, he's pretty smart. Smarter than you. - Hey, what's your problem? - You were gonna leave me! Oh, I would have broken you out of jail, eventually. Well, guys, sorry you didn't find any gold. Don't give up! Mafia. Where you gOiFIQ? Something's not right. If Philo died here, his gold should still be with him. Three spins of the round? Wan. One, two, three! - What is it? - It's the gold! You found it! You're a genius! You did it! We did it! Malayan mm 22411. See, he's with family now. You did a good job, boy. I help people. It's what I do. Go get it! Well, guys, looks like you got two more weeks of fun, and then it's all over. What? I thought we saved the campground! Yeah. Where are Mom and I gonna go? You said they were keeping it open. That's the first time she said "Mom and I" without wincing in so long. Thanks to you guys, they are keeping the campground open, but school starts in two weeks. I bet we can have plenty more adventures in two weeks. What do you say, partner? You got it. Well, Ranger, looks like we're going to be staying here, 'cause this is right where we belong. How about I'll trade ya this medal for a bag of doggie treats? WW gay. And that's how I saved the campground and caught the bad guys! Wait a sec, I thought the kids found the gold. Well, they helped, but it was mainly me. I did all that running. Tell me the part about you biting those guys on the butt again. What it is with you and biting people? I do not bite people. Just mailmans. You're a strange little dog, you know that? Are you pickin' a fight with me? What? No! Thafd be too easy. Yeah, yeah. For me! Ha! You weigh like an ounce! I'd crush ya. Try me, give me a shot, Ranger. Ooh, now you're just makin' me nervous. Good. 'Cause I might be small, but I'm tough. Yeah, you're tough to hang out with, - !'!! give ya that. - Do me a favor. Tell the story again, - hut leave out the boring parts. - What boring parts? The parts with you in it. Oh. Cute. I see what you did there. - Get outta here, will ya? - I'm goini. Can't believe I let you talk me into this. You're a big boy, Carl. You can make up your own mind. Hey, Larry, do you think we'll get to be cellmates in prison? Mailman Manama - the first chance I get. - Again? - Hey, bro? - Yo, bro. Do they have school in prison? - Yes, they do. - Great. I'll finally get my grade two! Do you think the dog will write? What? Peace. I got a score set up for us when we get out of here. It takes place in a dog kennel!