Friday, August 13, 2010

Crap On Film: Warriors of Virtue

Do Not Think Thoughts

So, there's this movie about a race of idyllic creatures who live in a forest and take soul-giving sustenance from their natural surroundings. There's an evil force that wants to destroy nature and make all the noble savages get real jobs. The movie was filmed using some weird technique that makes everything look the way nothing in life has ever looked. You've probably already guessed the movie I'm talking about. Yes, it's Warriors of Virtue.

I first heard about this film when I read that it made a film critic vomit. In my world, that sounds like high praise. I had to see it. I was not disappointed. Or rather, I was disappointed, which for me is the same as being satisfied.

The movie was released back in 1997 as a joint venture between Chinese and American “filmmakers”. I'm not smart enough to know how they filmed it, but I do know that during the action sequences the figures on screen look both slowed down and sped up and fuzzy. I think that's where the regurgitation comes in. I've never seen a movie that looks quite like it. And for good reason.

The real star of the show (and what makes this must-see crap) is Angus Macfadyen, who plays the villain. Angus chews the scenery like a starving man eating an Angus. His evil Buddhist mantra (Oops, I forgot. Buddhists don't have a concept of evil. They have Richard Gere, instead.) is “Do not think thoughts”. He tells this to his lackies repeatedly. One presumes that the director of the movie used a similar tactic with the actors.

Angus flounces around in a gayly menacing manner, saying things like

Angus: “General, does purple suit me?”

General: “Very much, my Lord.”

Angus: “Then . . . you are dismissed.”

I won't get into the details of the film's plot. If the writers of the movie didn't bother, why should I? Instead, I'll leave you with one final line from this testament to terrible: