Sunday, April 18, 2010

Who Knew That Iceland Would Be a Hot Spot?

NEW YORK - An urgent special session of the United Nations Security Council was called today to address fallout from Iceland’s unprovoked volcanic ash attack on Europe.

The session was just as quickly called off when U.N. event planners realized that most of the participants were unable to travel to the meeting due to grounded flights. “We’ve got caterers delivering every kind of ethnic food New York has to offer and nobody here to eat it except the U.S. delegation,” said Rosario Iglesias, Chief of U.N. Concierge Services. “Those guys are just wandering around, playing with their Blackberries and breaking into the booze supplies.”

That scenario is symbolic of the crippling effect the Icelandic volcanic attack has had on the entire world. Cancelled commercial airline flights threaten international trade, business operations and the vacation industry. Travelers stranded in European airports can only wait along with the rest of the world to hear what Iceland wants in return for ending the airborne ash assault.

It is rumored that Iceland’s government just wants to be known for something other than a source of cod fish. However, heads of state of leading nations have been reluctant to call Prime Minister Geir H. Haarde of Iceland about the crisis because they are still working on pronouncing his name. “Is that first ‘H’ a middle initial or part of his last name?” asked Russian President Dmitriy Medvedev. “This is a ridiculous thing to try and say.” “Ha ha. You should talk,” responded Vladimir Putin, according to sources.

President Obama felt confident that he would not embarrass himself talking to Iceland’s Prime Minister, reportedly saying, “I have a golden tongue and I can pronounce anything, such as ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, even though the sound of it is something quite precocious.” However, White House operators were unable to find Iceland in the rolodex. It turns out that the address had been refiled under the island’s Icelandic name, Forsætisráðherra Íslands, by Presdient George W. Bush. “I ain’t as dumb as you all thunk I were. Heh heh.” Bush reportedly laughed when the current President’s staff contacted him to locate the address. “I can’t pronunsciate that shit, but Laura read me a book about that place and I made an executive order to have it reaphlabaptized.” Ironically, the former President is capable of pronouncing Icelandic words perfectly.

Presdient Obama is thought to be preparing to call Prime Minister Haarde as soon as he can assemble his Security Council and develop a strategy. It is rumored that the U.S. has been in contact with England about a plan to parachute Special Forces Chimney Sweeps from Great Britain onto the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Reykjavík and have them snuff it out while also forming a spectacular large group musical dance production on the irregular and dangerous edges of the volcano crater. The plan is stalled, however by the aircraft flight restrictions in Europe. “It’s a bit of a sticky ‘Catch 22’,” commented a British Prime Minister who wished to remain anonymous.

Republicans in Congress are blaming President Obama for the entire crisis, saying he should have acted to prevent Iceland from obtaining volcanic capabilities instead of concentrating on meaningless healthcare legislation. A White House spokesperson shot back, saying, “It’s Forsætisráðherra Íslands, not Iceland, stupid.” Glenn Beck, on his popular TV show on Fox News Network drew extensive doodles on his chalk board showing the link between volcanos on Obama’s Island home of Hawaii and the Forsætisráðherra Íslands volcano and socialism. “'Volcanic ash and socialism'. It contains the words 'Sasha' and 'Melia', Obama’s daughters. Also the word 'Volvos' – the car of the elite liberals. Am I the only one who sees this?” Beck asked no one in particular.

President obama responded to critics saying that pressure was building in the volcano during the term of the prior administration but that they ignored it in favor of attacking Middle eastern countries who really posed no lasting threat to the rest of the world. “If you’ve ever played Risk,” the Presdient stated in a deep, authoritative and condescending manner, “you know that Iceland is a critical link between North America and Europe.”