Archive for March, 2012

The President flipped his position yesterday, and approved the Keystone Pipeline project from Oklahoma to Texas in an effort to counter the charges that he has become totally out-to-lunch on the Energy price crisis. He told supporters that this project would allow inexpensive crude oil from Canada to be pumped down to large oil refineries in Texas, reducing the need to be dependent on MidEast oil, and ultimately bringing down gas prices at the pump.

One reporter at the news conference asked the President if he knew where Oklahoma was on the map versus, say, Canada. “Of course I know,” he replied. “I took a geography class in the 5th grade. It is up there in the middle of Canada, one of those providences up there somewhere.”

“Sir, I believe you’re thinking of Ontario, not Oklahoma,” the reporter replied. “True, they both begin with the letter ‘O’, so that may have been what confused you. Confuses a lot of people. Oklahoma is a state near Texas. Sorta looks like a pot or a pan, like the Little Dipper constellation.”

“Oh, you’re right. I apologize on behalf of all the citizens in our country for creating this Naming Confusion. Those idiots who came up with the names of states early in our nation are to blame. They came up with names that make no sense. Then they took other states and named them New This, and New That. Who can keep track of all those New states? Where are the ‘Old’ versions of the states, can anyone tell me? Exactly. Just stupid. I’ll see to it that this Oklahoma confusion is corrected right away. May change the name to Yoklahoma, so that it doesn’t continually be confused with Ontario. We’ll get to work on it.”

“Yoklahoma? Are you serious? Yoklahoma? Old Jersey? Old York?”

“Maybe you’re right. Old Jersey sounds like something stinking up the bottom of your clothes hamper. May avoid that one.”

The President had to rush off to another fund-raising event, and had to cut-off further debate about state naming, but he said he would form a committee to develop recommendations and timetables.

Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction. Or did you already figure that out?

S: …No sir, we can’t say that. That would be an outright, obnoxious lie. Even our best spinmasters could not make that seem like it has a shred of truth. No sir, a lie.

O: So, what’s your point?

S: Point is…it wouldn’t be the truth. Wouldn’t be right.

O: Son, how long have you been in politics as an operative? Two years? Three years? Did they forget to teach you The Art of Lying by A.Chin in school? It’s politics, for heaven sake. No one expects to hear the truth. Now let’s talk about our Energy Independence program. What’s our official line? We’re drilling as much as we can drill. Every drill bit in the hemisphere is running in an oil well operating at full capacity. We need more electric cars. And soon.

S: But sir, electric cars consume energy, too. Power points burn fossil fuel to make the electricity to power those cars. And the conversion from fossil fuel to electric power, then to mechanical energy to power the vehicles is not all that efficient when all is said and done. Sir, the use of gasoline in highly efficient engines is probably the most efficient energy conversion technology, in actuality.

O: Who is this guy? Nicola Tesla? Jacob, where did you find this bird brain?

J: He’s one of our brightest new hires. Got his engineering degree from MIT when he was 14, then MBA from Harvard a year later. Picked up an honorary doctorate from University of Phoenix…well, never mind that last item…still pretty smart young man…

S: Sir, I think the public is ready for the truth. This kind of shabby BS has fueled the birth of the Tea Party movement, and is stirring the cauldron for other factions to develop soon.

O: Cauldron? Who uses the word “cauldron” in normal speech? Are you going to start throwing thee, thy, wilst, and fortnight on me? Are you going to start playing one of those weird ancient little harp-like gizmos…what do they call those weird things?

S: Lyre.

O: What?? Are you calling me a liar? Jacob, is this guy calling me a liar? Is that the kind of respect you show the President? Is it?

S: Sir, you just lectured me on the Art of Lying. Now you’re offended by the term liar? What kind of hypocrisy is that? Wait a minute…I wasn’t even talking about a liar. I was talking about a lyre.

O: Are you calling me a hypocrite AND a liar? Leon, would you step out and get the Secret Service guys in here? This young man needs to spend a little time in the hoosegow. Por favor, muchacho?

S: Sir, if you would just give me a minute to explain…

O: Leon, are you still here? Are words coming out of my mouth? Do I need to send you a text message to get you off your dead rump? Andalay, andalay!

S: Is this some new Hispanic initiative you’re working on now? The Florida vote…is that what this is all about? You know, my family came from Mexico and settled in south Florida. I’ve got some ideas on how…

O: Hold the phone, Leon. Stop the music. Maybe I was a bit too rash with my good friend here. Let’s all take five, and cool our jets. Can I offer you a margarita…what’s your name again?

Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones authored by flies on the wall