If you find yourself saying “he/she makes me feel………. Remember no one can make you feel anything. That feeling is yours. This communication has just triggered your feeling. In order to learn, own that feeling so that you can understand where it comes from and why it has been triggered in this relationship?

What are you trying to defend?

What are your perceptions of this relationship?

What evidence do you have to confirm your perception?

What assumptions are you making as a result of this communication?

What questions do you need to ask to clarify these assumptions?

What are you taking personally?

Is it meant to be personal?

What, if anything, do you need to take responsibility for?

What is your intention for yourself in this relationship?

What is your assumption of the other person’s intention for this relationship?

What, if any, questions could you ask to clarify the other person’s intention for this relationship?

What is your objective in having an honest conversation with this person as a result of the challenging communication?

Starting a conversation with “You……..” will immediately trigger defensiveness.

Remember: You can’t control how the other person will respond to what you say, nor can you protect him/her from being hurt or disappointed. But if you speak your honest truth, then at least you clarify your position.

Accept where you are at, i.e. what you are thinking/feeling and what is happening right now. Fighting it by being angry, disappointed, fearful or sad won’t change anything. When we accept and explore we can start to identify options. Identify what you have and don’t have control over. Work with what you can control. What is your positive intention? What can you do right now?

Trust in you, in your skills, instincts and in God. Worry won’t deliver anything but anxiety and doubt. When we trust in ourselves and God, inspiration always comes. Ask for guidance. Act on the inspiration.

Allow the Universe to deliver. If you’d done all you can, stay in the present and allow the results to unfold. Our timing is not Divine timing. Be observant and patient.

If “you” were your No. 1 priority and losing weight was really important to you, then you’d implement the behavioural changes required to achieve your desired weight.

The steps to successful weight loss:

1.MAKE THE DECISION TO CARE FOR YOU

2.Make the commitment to your care.

3.Make your care your priority.

4.Identify what you want to achieve for you.

5.Find out why you over-consume unhealthy food/drink.

6.Identify your resources to help you achieve your objective.

7.Identify the changes you need to make.

8.Visit your Doctor for his/her advice.

9.Start with one change at a time.

10.Be realistic and patient with yourself.

11.Celebrate each success yourself.

12.Build on those successes.

The following are some questions to expand your awareness of what you are doing to yourself:

(Note: If you are waiting for someone or something to change before you commit to your care – then you’ve made yourself very powerless. The only person who can change your life is you. You made yourself fat and only you can make yourself slim and healthy.)

What is your excuse/justification for your weight? (Some people say; slow metabolism, my job – sitting all the time, too busy with my family, haven’t time to cook, healthy food is expensive, thyroid issues, embarrassment to go to the gym etc etc.)

Identify the healthy food you eat for nourishment and the food/drink you consume that is making you fat?

Identify the times during the day when you consume the food/drink that makes you fat?

Identify any events that trigger you to consume food/drink that makes you fat?

When you over-eat or consume food/drink that you know makes you fat, what are you trying to avoid feeling?

What are the feelings that trigger you to consume unhealthy food/drink?

What are you making more important than your health and wellbeing?

If you continue on this path of self-destruction, what will your life be like in 5-10 years?

In an ideal world, what size/weight would you like to be?

In an ideal world, how would you like your health to be?

In an ideal world, how would you like to handle those feelings that trigger you to consume unhealthy food/drink?

In an ideal world, what would you change in your life to help you handle those feelings that trigger you to consume unhealthy food/drink?

What do you need so that you can begin to make those changes in your life?

What resources have you right now that will help you begin to make those changes in your life?

What used you really enjoy doing that you don’t do anymore?

With the resources you have right now, what small steps can you take right now to begin to make those changes in your life?

What makes you happy?

Look at your life as it is right now, identify what you are really grateful for?

How could you make more time to enjoy what you are grateful for and what makes you happy?

What is the first step you can take right now to begin to make those changes in your life?

REMEMBER: Celebrate your successes. Be patient with yourself. Focus on the small steps that you can make in your life today.

Other articles, on this website, that you may find of interest are; Motivation…..weight loss…..health, 3rd January 2012 & Your relationship with food, 18 February 2010. Scroll down through the blogs and you will find both of these articles.

I’ve read some of Caroline’s books, and while not “light” reading, they are enlightening. I’ve heard her speak and she has taught me so much that has helped my work with people over the years. Her teaching has also helped me improve my life and inspired me to make healthier choices.

Chore time zone: Generally people doing chores are not in the present. They are thinking about something else, or feeling negative. They are dis-engaged from what they are doing.

Choice time zone: Generally people who are doing what they chose to do are in the present and totally aware of what they are doing. They are “engaged”.

Chore quality: If you’re resentful because you don’t want to do it but decide you have to do it anyway, and your mind isn’t focused, then you’ve probably not completed it very well.

Choice quality: I’m enjoying this, I’m totally aware of what I’m doing so I’m doing it to the best of my ability and with a good heart.

Chore Impact: A healthy approach to a day of chores would be to give yourself a treat for your efforts and appreciate all that you achieved. Often, though, the impact of too much chores is boredom, avoidance, substance abuse ( including food!), irritability and generally feeling miserable. Often the irritability gets taken out on other people who really don’t deserve it.

Choice Impact: A day of doing what you chose to do leads to feelings of well-being, empowerment and success.

We all have chores but we can choose what chores are essential, useful and necessary. We can also choose to do chores with a good heart and for the good of others. If you identify your “absolutely essential chores” and compare them to the chores you actually do in a day – are there chores that you do because:

You want to feel needed, indispensible and useful?

You aren’t good at asking or receiving help from other people?

You haven’t learned how to say no?

You feel guilty for having fun?

You want to prove you can cope?

You’re avoiding doing what you really want to do because it’s challenging and doing chores is a good excuse why you can’t do the challenging task?

Always be compassionate. Give thanks for your learning and all that you achieved today.

Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way (Native American saying)

Go forward with Courage

When you are in doubt, be still, and wait; When doubt no longer exists for you, then Go Forward with Courage.

So long as mists envelop you, be still; Be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists – as it surely will, then Act with Courage. (Ponca Chief White Eagle – 1800’s to 1914)

Lakota Instructions for Living

Friend, do it this way – that is, whatever you do in life, do the very best you can with both your heart and mind. And if you do it that way, the power of the Universe will come to your assistance, if your heart and mind are in Unity.

When one sits in the Hoop Of The People, one must be responsible because, All of Creation is related. And the hurt of one is the hurt of all. And the honour of one is the honour of all. And whatever we do affects everything in the Universe.

If you do it that way – that is, if you truly join your heart and your mind as One – whatever you ask for, that’s The Way It’s Going To Be. (passed down from White Buffalo Calf Woman)

Always be compassionate. Give thanks for your learning and all that you achieved today.

If you are waiting for your situation/environment to improve so that you feel better about yourself, you’ve put yourself in a very “powerless and stressful” place.

Stress is a energy – another way to describe “energy” is a “mood”. Thoughts create energy.

When we feel good about ourselves no matter what’s happening around us – that’s empowerment.

We all talk about the negativity, anger, blame and complaints that bring us down (maybe we’re the negative ones?). When we’re in that energy/mood of powerlessness, our perspective is very fearful and we want to be rescued. It’s impossible to be creative. Our behaviour can become very “headless chicken”, starting lots of jobs and finishing nothing, we can even get dizzy. Our immune systems are weakened. We worrying about the future and are physically exhausted, drained and probably irritable.

If you recognize that energy/mood in yourself, stop, and think about how you can change it.

(One popular energy/mood changer is alcohol – it doesn’t work because when we’re sober again, nothing has changed).

Become aware of your own energy – make it part of your daily routine. The Buddhists call this “Mindfulness” (check out the Wikipedia definition).

When I say, change the energy/mood, I mean do things that will change your perspective, bring clarity, stimulate creativity and give you energy and wellbeing. Examples are:

Stay in the present (read “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle). Worry is future orientated and when we imagine negative pictures in the future (what if ……… happens?) we modify ourselves to accommodate that “What if”. So consequently you’re reacting to something that isn’t real and hasn’t happened. STAY IN THE PRESENT:

What is happening right now?

What’s possible right now?

What resources and skills have I right now and what can I do with them?

What choices do I have right now?

Exercise – stimulates endorphins, the natural healing system in the body.

Eat healthy food.

Consider take probiotics and vitamins if you’re constantly exhausted.

Listen to music.

Meditation, Massage, Reflexology, Healing, Therapy.

A change of scene, e.g. a holiday or a day off, a night out, a long walk on the beach, etc.

I believe that managing our energy/mood (mindfulness) is as essential as getting up in the morning, because if you feel good, then your perspective will be positive and you’ll be more creative and productive. Try it for a week and I guarantee things will change for you. Your family will appreciate it too!!

Always be compassionate. Give thanks for your learning and all that you achieved today.

When you allow the time and patience to get to know you, you’ll discover you’re the most interesting and amazing person you’ll ever meet!

Compassion leads to freedom, understanding and consequently growth and change.

Control, (the result of fear), is following rules or roles and often leads to self-criticism, pressure and anxiety.

If you’re trying to achieve something or change a limiting pattern of behaviour, you’ll have greater success if you approach it will compassion as opposed to control. The language of control is “have to, must, should”, while the language of compassion is “what, why, how, when”.

I appreciate rules and roles give us a structure: we know what we’re supposed to do because someone told us or we watched someone else do it, and that can be helpful at the start of a project. However, if that structure doesn’t work for you but you keep doing it anyway, all you end up with is self-criticism/judgment, failure and resentment.

Try a compassionate approach, use questions to understand: What is the best way for me to do this project? Design your own strategy. Engage with yourself and ask:

What am I trying to achieve?

What will this do for me?

How will I know when I’ve got it?

Why is it important to me?

What will change? Is that ok?

Am I doing this for me or for someone else?

What currently stops me achieving what I want to achieve?

Why do what I currently do?

What am I avoiding?

How is that destructive for me?

How do I treat myself?

What do I need to learn about myself?

Look at the objective again, does it need to change?

Observing my behaviour, what can I change?

What is the difference that will make the difference?

What’s the next step?

Compassion leads to relief and joy.Applying a compassionate approach, we give ourselves permission to be who we truly are, it allows us to understand ourselves and our motives.

Always be compassionate. Give thanks for your learning and all that you achieved today.