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The Hypothetical SuperContest 2015 – Week 4

Oh man let’s keep this train rolling.

We kept it up with another 3-2 week against the spread and were two minutes away from the Colts covering to make it a 4-1 day. But there’s still work to be done. My awful showing Week 1 left us in a hole that we’re still digging out of, but we’re just one more positive week away from a winning record and a modicum of respect from the greater Internet gambling public.

Most importantly, my picks have caught up with Chance the Gambler.

So no messing around now. We got work to do. Straight to the slate. Home teams get the asterisk.

Gawsh. I know I say this every week but this is a tough slate. Whatever.

Raiders (-3) over Bears*

This is the first time the Raiders have been road favorites in three years, and only the second time in a decade if my numbers are correct. And the field goal is well deserved! Derek Carr looks like a real quarterback, Amari Cooper looks like a real wide receiver, and their defense… well they still have 11 guys out there.

But more important than any of this is Bears quarterback Jimmy Clausen. Jimmy Clausen is brutally incapable of playing quarterback at a professional level. Last week the Bears had ten possessions with Clausen under center and punted ten times. It was atrocious. Thankfully for Clausen though, that game took place in Seattle where fans would be booing him no matter what he did.

This week, things will be much worse for Jimmy Clausen. He’ll be on home turf, with 61,000 fans all screaming in unison that he is not good enough. And he will know they are right.

Giants (+5) over Bills*

The Giants are three minutes of competent play calling and clock management away from being a 3-0 team. Instead, they are 1-2 but still very much in the NFC East title race which will apparently be won by whichever team doesn’t want it the least.

The Bills are still the Bills. Lazy writing, but still true. I know they’ve looked good, and oh man has Tyrod Taylor impressed the shit out of me. But isn’t he still Tyrod Taylor? Also, I very much enjoy gambling against Rex Ryan strictly for schadenfreude-related reasons.

Niners* (+8) over Packers

This bet makes me sick. Who in their mind wants to bet against Aaron Rodgers at this point? Isn’t that basically like, always a bad look? Usually, yes.

But we’re all about value here at the Hypothetical SuperContest, and this line is probably about four points higher than it should be. The world is zigging while we zag.

Eagles (-3) over Redskins*

Redskins are garbage. The embarrassing season the Eagles have put forth so far is all worth it for bringing this line down to a field goal. Shut up and take my hypothetical money.

Seahawks* (-10) over Lions

Seahawks at home looking for a statement game after walking over the Bears last week. After starting 0-2, you know, the same way they did last year on their way to the NFC championship, this is point of the season where the Seahawks reassert their dominance over the NFL.

We could very soon live in a reality where the Seahawks have only allowed seven points in their previous eight quarters of football. I want to be on the right side of that statistic.

Chance the Gambler: Week 4

This week I independently asked both of my parents to make their picks against the spread, leaving out the Dolphins-Jets game in London because I’m not sure if I’ll wake up in time to properly yell gambling-driven obscenities at my television. This left them each with 13 games. They agreed on 8, and thus differed on 5. After a failed attempt at gathering three random numbers through social media, thus allowing me to pick 5 games that my rents agreed on, I decided to pivot. The name of this bit is Chance the Gambler, and Chance the Rapper just became a Daddy. So I went with the five picks my Pops made that differed from my Mom.

Colts* (-9) over Jaguars

Falcons* (-6) over Texans

Browns (+7.5) over Chargers*

Broncos* (-6.5) over Vikings

Lions (+10) over Seahawks*

If anything, this will serve for a nice “Mother Knows Best” joke next week.