Without Self-Love, I Have Nothing.

February 14, 2011Angela (Oh She Glows)

by Angela (Oh She Glows) on February 14, 2011

In 2003, after about 2 and 1/2 years of dating, Eric and I broke up. We told our shocked friends and family that it was a mutual break up, but in reality, I never felt that it was. I knew that I gradually pushed Eric away and I built a wall around myself so high that he felt like he couldn’t get through.

This ‘wall’ represented my insecurities, eating disorder, and everything that came with it. It wasn’t just the surface things- the obsessiveness, calorie counting, or over-exercising- it was the absence of self-love and my lack of ability to be loved fully in return.

Our breakup wasn’t mutual at all though. I pushed Eric so far away that he had no choice but to slowly raise a red flag and surrender. (He claims, to this day, that it was just as much his fault as it was mine, but I didn’t see it that way). It is hell living with an eating disorder, but it is probably even more difficult loving someone who has an eating disorder. Any experience that we go through that affects our self-esteem changes who we are, how we act and react, the things we say, how we carry ourselves, the fights we have, and how much we let our loved ones in. Eric got bits and pieces of the ‘fun, authentic, happy-go-lucky Ange’ and other times he got ‘Ange with no self-esteem or confidence’.

On the day we broke up, we lay in bed, crying and embracing each other knowing that as soon as we let each other go it would all be over. I told him that I would change and I would get help once and for all, but he was firm that we needed time apart to grow as individuals. He never said or made me feel that our problems were my fault or that I was the cause of the troubles. He took more blame than he probably even deserved, but I guess it does take two to tango. We talked and cried for hours and hours that day before he finally had the courage to leave. I really didn’t think he could do it. We were soul mates after all, high school sweethearts who had big plans for our lives.

I closed the door and collapsed in a heap on the ground, sobbing, but with no sound or tears coming out. I was now officially empty, but not in the way that I had wanted to be. Suddenly, my goal of being ‘x’ weight didn’t matter to me anymore. Nor did it matter how many calories I ate for lunch. I felt like a selfish a-hole. How ironic that I believed being thin would solve all of my problems, when in fact, the pursuit of thinness ended up causing so many more problems than I ever dreamed of.

I sat there expecting Eric to come back knocking on the door.

He didn’t, though I knew he wanted to.

Eric wanted to stay in touch, but I severed all communication after I saw him at my birthday party the next week. No calls, no emails, no msn chats, no seeing each other. I had a stiff upper lip through it all, but it was the only way I could move on.

Our break-up had a silver lining that I couldn’t see at the time; during our time apart I was able to reflect on things that I needed to change in myself. After the partying (and pretending like I didn’t care) got old, I started to work on me for the first time in years.

As it turned out, we ended up getting back together later on that year. By coincidence we ended up in the same Calculus class at our university and after an awkward Long Time No See and small talk, I figured that would be the end of it. For weeks, Eric asked me to catch up over coffee, but I politely declined. My broken heart had never mended itself and I was on guard, but ultimately, I couldn’t deny the love that I felt for him. I avoided him like the plague because I knew what we had was still so strong. I decided I was willing to take the risk.

I’m not going to say that it was easy when we got back together because for a long time I wasn’t sure if it was going to work. If the insecurities were bad before the break-up, they were twice as bad the months following getting back together. I thought he was going to run away whenever there was a problem, but he certainly proved me wrong. I also proved myself wrong by learning to love myself and to give myself entirely to someone else. We both grew up a lot and we learned how to communicate more than ever.

To me, Valentine’s Day isn’t about $75 wilted roses, boxes of chocolates, or mushy Hallmark cards. It’s not about cramming into an over-packed restaurant and selecting off a special Valentine’s Day menu. It’s certainly not about the gifts, although I guess any of the above can be fun if you make it. Love isn’t always a fairy tale. Relationships are complex and ever-evolving with ups and downs, but I love them just the same.

Most of all, Valentine’s Day reminds me that without Self-Love I have nothing.

Without Self-Love I can’t give to others in my life. I can’t be a good friend, daughter, sister, or wife. Whether you like this holiday or not, you can use it as a time to reflect on the love you give to yourself. If you are anything like me, this is an area that needs constant attention and daily care. My challenge to you is to start a new tradition on Valentine’s Day- write yourself a love letter and read it over often!

(Oh and I lied, it is definitely about the chocolate today. I recommend eating it with breakfast, lunch, and dinner.)

Ange – thank you. For this post, and for your honesty throughout your blog. It really means so much to me to be able to read your thoughts, reflections, ambitions and all you have achieved (materially, of course, but also as a person :) ). I am sometimes so honoured to ‘know’ you that it blows me away! Enjoy your day today and I am so very glad you were able to take the leap of faith required to get back together with Eric when you did. I bet he is too!

I agree. thank you so much for the honesty. It must have been hard to let so many people know what a hard time that was for you.

This post really brought tears to my eyes & I felt for you. Break ups are so hard :( I’m glad it worked out for you and Eric because 1. yall are so cute and 2. he says & does some hilarious things.
Happy Valentine’s Day!! <3

Happy Valentine’s Day Angela. I really believe that this holiday has become so commerical, but if someone can see it the way that you do; that loving yourself allows you to love others, then there is definitely some meaning behind a day like today.

It’s absolutely amazing how much we learn when we’re alone. When my now-husband and I went through a rough patch, I learned so much about caring for myself and enjoying life by doing things that brought happiness to me.
Even now though, the first thing that starts to go when I get stressed out, anxious, and worried are those lessons I learned – the importance of caring for myself.
I think we all can use that reminder – self-love comes first – and I love the idea of writing a letter – something physical to pull out during those times when we need a boost, when we can’t remember on our own why it’s important to take care of ourselves.
Happy Valentine’s Day.

Angela, you are truly an inspiration. I hope one day to recover the way you have. I am trying my best to focus this year on making peace with myself and my body, and finding a way to be healthy and happy. I am so happy for you and Eric. Have a wonderful day!

This is, without doubt, the best Valentine’s Day post I have ever read. Every part of it resonates with me, as part of the reason I know that I’m single at 23 (and have always been single) is that I’ve spent so much of my life hating myself that I pushed away everyone who came near (romantically), not being able to accept that they really could care for me.

I’m so overjoyed that your story had a happy ending (no, a happy continuing) – it gives me hope.

Right now I’m going through an almost identical situation. The scenario you describe – calorie counting, obsessive exercising, thin-fixated mindset, is EXACTLY what I’m dealing with right now. Not only have I jeopardized my health, but I’ve also come dangerously close to losing my sweetheart because of my selfishness. I can’t thank you enough for posting this and sharing.

What a beautiful post. I know it’s not fun to look back on bad times with the person you love so thanks for doing it.

Last summer I broke up with my boyfriend of five years under similar circumstances. We haven’t gotten back together and it’s unlikely we ever will, as we now live 2,000 miles apart, but I’m amazed at how much I learned and how much I grew from the experience. And I will love him for the rest of my life and be so happy for everything the relationship brought me — and happy for the lessons I’ve learned being single, too. I’m so glad you learned to love yourself and that you and Eric have each other. You’re an incredible couple.

This is such a heart-warming post, Angela. And I am so glad you and Eric got back together!! :)
I have dealt with insecurities, too, and I totally agree that you need to be confident and self-assured if you want any of your relationships to be successful.

I’ma long time lurker on your lovely blog Angela, but this post moved me to comment. It was exactly what I needed to read today, not because it’s valentine’s day, but because my self-love has taken a hammering lately while I put everything else, and not myself, first. Thank you so much for this reminder, which I’m not ashamed to say bought me to tears. Happy valentine’s self love day!

I did exactly the same with my ex boyfriend. I was so deep into my eating disorder that I pushed everything and everyone away. and once I started getting semi-better, I just couldn’t regain that feeling for him I once had so I broke up with him. I am happy for you and Eric things worked out afterall :)

What a moving post. Learning to love oneself enough to truly receive others’ love is definitely one of the greatest challenges but most fulfilling and soul-awakening undertakings out there. It takes daily care for me too, thank you for reminding us all of something so important.

I have been reading your blog for a while, but this is my first time commenting. I feel as if I wrote this myself. I also lost a relationship very dear to me because of my eating disorder (among other things). The emotions you described are all to familiar to me. Thank you for such a beautifully written entry.

Thank you Angela for this post! I’ve been struggling with this lately, and I know it’s been causing quite a strain on my boyfriend and I, who’ve been together seven years. Like you, he’s seen me struggle through my anxiety and depression– and though we never officially “broke up” there was a year or so where we were just together just because everyone was used to it. Yes, we really thought that! Terrible. Like you, I walked out on two jobs recently, on a mission to self-discovery I guess. But it’s only going to come from within me– not from anyone else. And reading this has given me an extra dose of inspiration. Thank you again for sharing:)

I’ve been following your blog for a while but I’ve never commented before. Well, today is the day to stop lurking and thank you for all your wonderful posts and wish you all the love your heart can take. Happy Valentine’s Day!

You surprise me each and every week, Angela…your courage, your strength, your candor in posting highly personal things like this, you surprise me and inspire me. You help me realize that the things I’d love to post about, but don’t, that they are post-worthy.

“Love isn’t always a fairy tale. Relationships are complex and ever-evolving with ups and downs, but I love them just the same.”–
Amen sister. Amen. Couples who say they never fight, never have harsh words, that it comes so easily, I am happy for them. That has not been my reality but after 13 yrs, I wouldnt expect it to have been a fairy tale every step of the way.

Thank you for sharing your journey, your history, and for loving yourself enough to recover from your ED, to work your recovery, to work at your marriage and relationship, wow…I could go on and on but I am rambling and very moved by your post and story.

see, this is why i love your blog, angela – some entries are sooo funny and others are just so beautiful and full of meaning, written straight from your heart.
thank you for sharing so honestly, and for the life-lesson that your story provides. it’s early on valentine’s day morning, and this post is a wonderful early-day devotional reading for me.
happy happy heart day to you and eric. i’m so glad your love story included a “back together again” ending.
xoxo!

I always read your blog for recipes and smoothie ideas. This is the first time in my scattered reading that you have become a real person, a real woman, to me.
You really helped me today (and not just with what to eat for dinner)

You just told MY love story with the Husband – no joke. We went through the exact same thing, for the exact same reason. It was the best thing that ever happened to us though. It was hard and horrible, but we grew so much as people while we were apart.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. (1 Corinthians 1:1-3)

My husband and I nearly broke up once, too when we were just dating (he packed up his stuff and went to his parents while I was at work, but came back before I got home), because we were both going through mental health issues. That was one of the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. The good thing that came out of it was that it drove me to speak with a therapist and get my anxiety/depression issues under much better control than they had been. You definitely have to take care of yourself in order to have a good relationship. Now I’m really focusing on being mentally and physically healthy and our relationship is even better. The kinder you are to yourself, the kinder you can be in your relationship.

This post means SO much to me, I can’t even begin to tell you. I did the same thing with my own high school sweetheart….at a time when I had no confidence, I let him become my only source of self-assurance and confidence. I hated myself so much that I projected all my love onto him, and pushed him away in the process. We never got back together, which I now see is a good thing, but between my relationship with him and my current relationship, I learned that I had to learn to accept myself alone. If you don’t love yourself, no one else really can. Thank you for being brave enough to share this. I’m glad you found your happy ending :)

This is such a nice post. I may share it with others. Girls and women put so much pressure on themselves (myself included), and I have seen so many people lose sight of what they have because of trying to strive for perfection (again, myself included). Thank you for sharing your story.

Oh wow Ange, thank you so much for sharing this story! Although I’ve never been in a relationship that I’d consider serious or long term, I 100% agree that without self love, we have nothing. Fantastic post! And I hope you and Eric have a very happy Valentine’s Day! :)

Such a touching story, Angela. I always admire your strength in dealing with your past struggles. Not an easy thing at all. I especially admire the fact that you have the courage to let us in on your story. Have a wonderful day :)

What a moving story – and so well written. I let food and self-hate get in the way of my relationship with my fiance years ago, but it wasn’t as severe as full-fledged eating disorder. I found, like you said, that it’s impossible for anyone to love me if I don’t love myself first. Once I stopped being my own worst critic, my life became so much happier! Thanks for sharing your story! Have a great Valentine’s Day!

This was a beautiful story to read, Angela — I’m glad you and your husband reconciled, but most importantly that you reconciled with yourself — not an easy thing to do!

My husband and I met as I was recovering from an eating disorder, and six months into dating I got incredibly sick and my system got messed up and I gained another 30 lbs! It was hard to deal with, but he helped me through it and kept strong for me. I couldn’t have made it through without him. And now I’m back to my normal weight, which is a plus, too!

I can’t tell you how much this really spoke to me (as do all your stories). This summer when I met the coach, I was in the happiest, most positive, most confident place of my life. At the time we broke up, things had gotten so miserable at my job that i was yet again attacking myself and it was obviously taking a toll on the relationship. We attributed the breakup to other factors, but I’m sure that also played a role. We are still the best of friends and as I’ve been pulling myself out of the crap, we’ve only been getting closer. Loving yourself really is the key to healthy relationships with others as well

Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful story! I think so many women (myself included) go through so many of the same things but find it difficult to be open about. I absolutely love reading your posts and seeing such a strong person be so real and honest about life.

This, this I can relate to so deeply. My wonderful boyfriend and I had been together for a year and a half when he took me aside and told me I wasn’t happy, and while he loved me, he couldn’t be with me like that forever. I didn’t like to hear that, but he was right, I was a mess. I couldn’t function properly. I was living in the black cloud that is depression, and I didn’t really believe there was an alternative for me. I thought I was just “like that.” It took me a long time, but about a year after that (February last year, actually), he and I had a giant fight over something I did because of my poor self esteem and self-loathing. He left my house that night, and I was blank inside, deflated, numb. I didn’t get out of bed for an entire week. When I finally did, I was sick with what I had done to myself, to our relationship, to him. I knew, I just knew, I couldn’t do it anymore. I was tired of being depressed, tired of hating myself, tired of ruining anything good in my life. That was it. The scales had tipped and I finally wanted to climb out of the hole, not for him (because I honestly thought he’d never talk to me again), for me. We made up, and I gradually started to heal myself. Eating better, exercising healthier, figuring out my life. A year later, I’m a completely different person. He tells me all the time how glad he is he stuck around, how happy he is for me to see me doing so well. Now I can truly love properly, because I know about loving myself, which I never cared about before.
Thank you for sharing your story. So many women get caught up in wanting their relationship and their significant other to be the magic factor that fixes their lives, but it can’t work that way. It is about loving yourself. If you love yourself, you shine with that inner light other people can sense and it’s beautiful.
Happy VDay Angela! Go eat some chocolate :)

I had a similar experience to this. And boy am I glad (1) my guy stayed with me, and (2) I didn’t stay the same. Sometimes I hear people say that when you love someone, you don’t try to change him/her. True enough — because, ultimately, only that person can decide to change — but that doesn’t mean not wanting and pushing for the best in that person.

Angela it is crazy how much I can relate to you sometimes — my disordered eating has resulted in me pushing so many people away. I am so thankful that Jason just hung out tight when I was going through the roughest patches. But I know it was hard on us both.

I completely 100% agree that until you love yourself, you can’t really accept love from anyone else. Jason would tell me he loves me and I would basically not believe him — because I didn’t believe that about myself.

After lots of self reflection and therapy, we are in a much better place. Much of that has to do with this topic — I started to like myself more. I treat myself good now. I accept compliments. I don’t push people away from me.

This is a wonderful, and there’s so much truth and wisdom in it! It often seems that we have to go through rough times to come to terms with ourselves, and the more we refuse to realize and change ourselves the longer the rough times remain. It makes me happy that things turned out so well for you, and I truly admire how thoughtfully both of you have behaved in that difficult situation.

I want to read your blog from start to finish. I’ve read so much already and feel like I’ve only started digging in. I’m keeping a notebook beside the computer to write quotes and inspirations from your words. Thank you so much. Happy Valentine’s Day!

This is a beautiful post and a sentiment that more of us need to hear and embrace. I have gone through a similar experience and realized how much better and fulfilling a relationship is when I love myself first – how much more love I can offer to someone else. Happy Valentine’s Day!

This story really hit home for me. I too had that exact same emotional breakup and ED roller coaster. Unfortunately, the relationship was long distance and we we have never crossed paths since. But you are right, it gave me time to realize life is about more than calorie counting and self-loathing…it’s about loving, laughing, experiencing new things and being open with others. It’s taken me a long time to realize this, but by reading your blog and striving for self-love, that emotional roller coaster is all in the past.

I can relate to so many points you made in this post. I have also suffed an ED and my relationship suffered with it. Although my husband and I never broke up while we were dating, I DID push and push and push him away. Just like you said, with no love for myself, how could I LOVE anyone else or accept that they truly loved me?

This had me choked up. I can relate that it took me so long to learn to love myself and only then could relationships work. I am so thankful for my wonderful husband and marriage…but I wouldn’t have it like it is if not for loving myself as well. GREAT post!!!

My boyfriend (currently of almost of three years) and I broke up once, right before I had to leave for college. It was mainly due to lack of communication and fear of the future, since we had only been together for two or three months before. And in that month or so apart, I learned so much about myself. And now I would never go back and try to change history. :)

I can only speak for myself when I say this definitely hit close to home. I do imagine, however, that a lot of women can relate. Angela, thank you for always pouring your heart into your posts and for sharing you intelligent and thought-provoking reflections on what a lot of women go through, but won’t admit to themselves or (most certainly not) to others.

This is a beautiful post. I absolutely believe you need to have self love before you can let anynone else love you completely. I know what you mean when you say that an eating disorder affects every experience you go through. This post made me quite emotional as I thought of the struggles I went through with an eating disorder as well. I will never go back there. Thank you for sharing. I am going to write myself a love letter.

What a beautiful, raw, and inspiring post. Thank you for putting yourself out there and inspiring me. I am in recovery from an eating disorder and that played a role in the breakup with my boyfriend. Now I’m learning what self-love is all about and it is incredibly difficult. I think my ED causes me to try and focus on everything but myself and that will leave me empty. I think that writing myself a love letter is the most beautiful idea. I don’t mean to sound overly grateful, but I just went through a very tough week and need something to help remind me to love myself as best as I can. In the words of Richard from Texas, “You deserve your love and devotion as much as anyone.” I very much admire you and Oh She Glows and read through your old posts often to get ideas on ways to make myself glow after my ED caused me to be very sick, and I find OSG incredibly motivating and courageous. Thank you for putting your story out there and inspiring me. Happy Valentine’s Day!

This was so beautiful and honest and very very true! I have embraced Valentines Day this year as Happy Universal Love Others Day and that definitely includes YOURSELF. Most of all. Thank you for sharing this!

Thank you for sharing this… wow. Good for you for taking the risks that you have taken .. they really do all pay off in so many ways.
Reading this reminded me of my experiences and the endless amounts of stress eating disorders put on relationships and the obessing over calories and food intake. It doesn’t work. The only way to really over come it is to get the help needed and learn to deal with things in a healthy way.
Great post… thank you!!
PS: whatever that picture is of looks mighty good!!

I was not at all prepared for crying while reading this post.
But, I surely did. You caught me right on the spot, and what you write is soso right.
– Letting oneself be loved is incredibly hard when it is so hard loving oneself.
Thankyou.

Thank you for a great post on Valentine’s Day. I am completely with you about “self-love”, although sadly not as far on the journey as you. Every day I think about how my boyfriend now has to put up with the result of everything that happened to me in the 25 years before I met him. I’m really not sure how he does; he’s a pretty amazing guy for it. Thanks for reminding me of that :)

Beautiful post Angela. As I go through my own breakup right now, I know that self-love has a lot to do with why I was never truly open in the relationship. As hard as it is to admit, me not loving myself has played a huge role in the walls that are up with people in my life. I am re-inspired, after reading your post, to keep pushing on to learning to love and care for myself. I want this time in my life to open me up for the next right person that comes along, whoever it may be.

I loved this post! First of all, I’m happy for you guys. I was with my high school sweetheart for about 8 years, and we couldn’t make it work. I find it so awesome that not only have you guys stayed together, but you have allowed each other to grow! I found I couldn’t mature while with my high school boyfriend, so it had to end. No tears, I’m happier now…but the whole “there is nothing without self love” hit home! I still struggle with this. As a whole, our society focuses too much on weight. It is critical to be healthy, but whether your arm has a little flab when you aren’t posing with your hand on your waist is really not important. I wish we could be happier with the way we are, as we strive to be our best.

i’m a long time reader of your blog, today your words have striked a particular chord in me. my anorexia pushed away the only man i have been with that i could have seen myself marrying…while that was almost eight years ago, my struggles have dwindled over time (though recovery is still a daily process) and he is now happily married to a wonderful woman, i still think about what i gave up in a haze of self-loathing and depression…your words today helped me realize how far i have come since then…thank you.

Angela, this is such a beautiful post! Thank you for being so candid and sharing your story with the blog world. I think it is such an important point to make that loving yourself allows you to love others. You and Eric are very luck to have one another!

I’m in tears. I went through an incredibly similar experience this past year. I can’t express enough how warming and comforting it is to know I’m not alone– and that I’m not so crazy after all. THANK YOU, for this. It completely changed my day around, and my thoughts on self love.

OH MY GOSH. I read your blog daily but this is my first time commenting. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS POST. My boyfriend and I, of 3 years, went through the exact same thing just a few weeks ago. My eating disorder has caused so much strain on our relationship. It wasn’t until he broke up with me that I realized that so many things just dont matter. I never saw it coming and I have never felt so much heartbreak and pain in my life. After taking a week apart with no communication (obviously not as long as you and Eric did), I wrote him a 4 page letter and we talked a few days later. We decided to get back together and so far it’s been really good. I’m (slowly) taking steps in the right direction but I need his support too. I can’t even believe someone went through the exact same thing and I completely understand the self love… I’m trying to be positive and happier every day.
P.S I’m a fellow Canadian too! Born and raised in Edmonton :)

Thanks for that post. It meant a lot to me. I broke up with the love of my life last June after two years of being together. I was a very bitter, angry person and always fought over stupid little things with him. I had major insecurities and was afraid of losing him. I knew that I didn’t want to be that person any more, so I broke it off. It’s been about 8 months now and I miss him with all my heart. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. I’ve spent the last 8 months working on myself. I’ve made a lot of progress and I hope to one day be with him again. It gives me hope to read your story and know that it’s possible to get back with an ex for good. It also gives me hope that I too will live a healthy life with confidence and alot of self-love. Thanks again.

Happy Valentine’s Day Angela! Thanks for this amazingly honest post. I met my hubby when I was 19 and he was 22. We just celebrated our 17th Christmas together and have been married 13 1/2 years. My struggles with an ED, perfectionism and low self-esteem have often strained our relationship over the years. I am still really working on all of these, and am trying hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We have made it through every challenge so far though, and I have no doubt that we have grown stronger as a result. Every year brings new and different challenges, but our love is stronger than ever and I have faith that we can overcome anything life throws at us. I so look forward to reading your updates every day – thank you :)

My self love today is also shared with you: the wonderful impact we can have on ourselves by being kind, loving and gentle is overwhelming. And then to share how that can be done with readers, loved ones, friends and the blogging world takes self love to a truly spectacular level!

Such an amazing post, thank you for sharing. It is that idea that you can give what you don’t have. If you don’t have love for yourself how can you give it freely to others. So beautiful, thank you again for sharing. Happy Heart Day!

Hi Angela,
Thank you for this, it’s beautifully expressed and really touched my heart. Substitute “alcoholism” for “eating disorder” and this is my story, only we’d been married for a few years when the breakup came. Got back together and have been working on our relationship for 21+ years now, and I can definitely say that without finding a way to love myself it never would’ve happened.

Aw, what a beautifully deep and touching Valentine’s Day post! Such a great story of overcoming challenges and an inspiring message for anyone struggling with self-doubt and relationship problems. Happy Valentine’s Day and I totally agree on the chocolate! :-)

Aw your post made me cry. My husband broke up with me years ago before we were married because I suffer with depression and wouldn’t let him close. It broke my heart and like you, I was really paranoid he’d leave me again if things got too much. He didn’t and now I’m proud to say he’s my husband. We ‘ve been through very tough times and I’ve finally realised that he does want to be with me, depression or no depression. For me it’s Valentine’s day every day as he is kind, romantic and gorgeous. Thank you for being brave enough to talk about it, off to give my hubby a huge hug now x

This is very beautiful and touching. I’m so happy that you’ve shared this with us. I’m glad you were able to spend some alone time finding a way to love yourself. And good for Eric for waiting, sounds like you picked a good one :)

Wow, this totally gave me the chills. I’ve gone through a silimar experience, though our break only lasted a couple weeks. Regardless, I learned a lot in that time alone. I look at things differently now, and I am so, so grateful for that. Thank you for sharing this!

What a beautiful post, thank you so much for sharing this with us Angela. Although we only know you through OSG, you and Eric seem happy and strong and like you have a wonderful time together. Thank you for acknowledging that all relationships take work, and it’s important to grow as a person as well as as a couple.

very beautiful Angela. I had to work through similar problems and nearly lost the love of my life. Luckily he was man enough and loved me enough to give me a second chance. And you’re totally right, it was only when I stop abusing myself that I was able to let someone love me.
Here’s to second chances :)

p.s. made the double bite brownies and they totally flattened out like cookies – was thinking I should have been more accurate with the coconut oil? Do you always melt yours before you measure? They were delicious in any case :)

Yep, definitely weeping into my green tea. In my office. bahahaha, I am such a sap for a gorgeous love story and that, up there, is a gorgeous, gorgeous love story. Between you and well… *you*. I am bookmarking it for future reads when I’m feeling down.

This is was hard to read without crying, but I made it through with moist eyes. This was absolutely beautifully written. We overcome so many things in our lives that are so difficult to talk about and I am inspired and amazed by your strength.

Thank you for sharing this. It brought tears to my eyes. I can really relate to this. I had a really bad breakup when I was 21. I thought he was the one, we lived together, planned on getting married. I totally lost myself in the relationship. I wasn’t healthy, I wasn’t happy, I compromised too much of myself and had no friends. It was a bad place to be. The break up was devastating and I chose not to date anyone for almost 2 years afterward. I had a lot of healing to do. I had a lot of growing up to do.

I lived alone, no roommates, and paid my own bills…complete self-reliant for the first time. I spent the next few years finding myself, finding my voice, getting healthy and learning lots of lessons from other failed relationships.

All of that struggling and heart ache made me grow up, find myself, realize what I want out of life, and prepared me for meeting my REAL soul mate. My boyfriend Michael and I had some problems in the beginning of our relationship. I struggled with sharing my heart, giving all of myself, trusting. I was so used to living alone for 10 years and being by myself it was hard to suddenly be in a healthy, grown up relationship. We found our way and it’s been great ever since. :)

Worked up the nerve to comment for the second time…
Your post hit me like a ton of bricks today. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years just last night as part of a terrible and complicated situation. I’ve never felt so low in my self worth as I do today. Your entry gave me a glimmer of hope that I really need, so thank you for sharing.
Happy Valentines to you and Eric (and Sketchie!)

This is such an amazing post, and its something I can relate to so much. I had a horrible break up with the boy I thought I would marry. I was so convinced that we would get married, have kids, and live happily after. But back then, I didnt believe that loving yourself was really that important. I thought he could fix me, and I was so heartbroken when he wasnt willing to try anymore. It destroyed me, but in the end, taught me so much. Now Im my own favorite person, and I really think thats how it should be.

This must be one of my most favourite posts of yours. I know you here this a lot, but you are truly my inspiration <3 Thank you so much Ange, I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day with both Eric AND yourself!

(And hey, while you're at it, you may as well give YOURSELF a box of chocolates – I mean, it is Valentine's Day for a reason..;) )

this is the best blog post ever. not only are you a beautiful writer, you have something beautiful to say. it makes me feel that anything is possible and that you can overcome any bridge you come across in your personal adventures and relationships. thanks so much. and yes on the chocolate!

I love this post. It actually made me tear up a little. I can relate to you in so many ways. I know that my issues with eating and my low self-confidence have hurt my relationship with my husband a lot. He has stuck with me though and I am getting better, bit by bit. I am so glad that you both worked on yourselves before getting back together.

Angela! Thank you so much for sharing this~It’s amazing how growing as an individual is so important so that as we know ourselves, we can know and do good unto our loved ones…So glad you and Eric have been doing great since then, till now! :D P.S: If I get choc OD and the doc asks what happened, I’ll blame it on you :P just kidding hehe!

Angela, this is the healthiest valentine message i have ever read. single and caught up in an eating disorder myself, i dread valentine’s day – knowing that i will never have space in my heart for anyone until i let go of the eating disorder. while i was so focused on not having anyone to love me today – you have just given me a whole new perspective. i do have ME to love me and i you are right – the relationship with yourself can be the most difficult one of all and deserves daily attenton and nourishment. thank you for changing the way i see today . . . i know i will go to bed with a smile now : )

This is a beautiful post and reminds me to love myself so I can keep what is most important to me and in life: which doesn’t include counting calories and obsessiveness. I am glad everything worked out for you, thanks for posting this!

You don’t know how much I needed to read this, and how important this post is amidst all of the Valentine posts about everyone’s hubby or boyfriend, which can feel like a slap in the face sometimes. You so kindly share the REALITY of relationships when our own self-esteem gets in the way, which is what I am going through right now.

You’re fabulous, Angela — and your influence was a huge reason why I stopped, mid-brick, building my own wall between the REAL me and the “Me I Thought I Was Supposed to Be”. Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself will all of us each day!

This post brought tears to my eyes because I can relate. In August, my long-time boyfriend and I broke up – we had grown apart – and I knew a large part of it was a result of my eating disorder. It just took so much out of me – I had come out with it a few months prior but we never really talked about it and I tried to at least make it appear like I wasn’t still going through it. After hours and hours of crying, I left. There was just a huge barrier between us and much as he said that it was because of him, I knew that my choices and struggles showed that I wasn’t the happy go lucky girl that he enjoyed being around so much – I had become sad and stuck in a rut. I tried to use the time to work on myself but I struggled with binge eating for a few months afterward – especially nervous whenever I would have to see him in a public setting. We had a class together and after a few months, starting hanging out again. Finally, I brought up the idea of us getting back together for real. I am happy to say that I am spending Valentine’s Day with this amazing guy once again. Your post is very true, and I am working on loving myself more and working on turning to other avenues instead of this destructive behavior. I still binge about once a week – more when I am stressed, but I feel like it is getting a little better. I am trying to use exercise to get those endorphins flowing and seeing my boyfriend when I feel a desire to binge.

I just discovered your site & must say you are truly an inspiration. Your story gives hope. Thank you for sharing your life, which gives confidence to other women that have been, or are going through similar challenges, whether eating disorder or self-esteem issues.
Signed, a fellow chocoholic. :)

Happy Valentines Day! I gave a shout-out to your amazing blog today on my blog!

I am LOVING your blog. You inspire me. I also have a history with eating disorders. It’s great to see someone else’s light at the end of the tunnel!

I’m still dieting (Weight Watchers) for now, but am also vegan and learning how to cook more and more. I hope to maintain my healthy weight (another 10-15 pounds to go) by listening to my body and choosing mostly whole foods, like you do. Thanks for proving that it’s possible to maintain a healthy physicque without dieting!!!

Thank you for sharing your story. I feel like you were writing FROM MY BRAIN regarding food being nothing more than calories, as I too struggled with an eating disorder in college and loving myself, which sounds very similar to your experience. I’ve just discovered health blogs late last year and they have literally changed my life.
Happy Valentine’s day and thank you again for sharing :-)
PS I made your avocado pasta yesterday…OMG. So good.

That was incredibly touching and honest. You and Eric seem like you have such a warm and caring relationship (via the blog side of life), and it’s nice to know that you had to work at it and LEARN to communicate- there’s hope for all of us. ;) I hope, someday, to have someone to share my life with in that way, the way you and Eric share yours.

Thanks so much for sharing. What a wonderful love story. Most people think true love stories are all happy, syrupy-sweet fairy tales; but true love, the deep and everlasting love, involves conflict, resolution, and growth. I think without accepting both the good and the bad in my partner, and helping each other work through what will hopefully be the worst of times, we wouldn’t have the relationship we do now. Happy Valentine’s Day to you both, and thanks for the terrific blogs!

Aww Ange this was beautiful! I actually wrote a post about self love today too. I couldn’t agree that it is the most important thing to love yourself! I’m so glad that after 21 years I’ve finally been able to do that. And I’m so glad that you and Eric eventually got back together. It would break my heart if you hadn’t! ;) Hope you two have a happy Valentine’s Day!

I really like this post. You’re so talented at your craft and present yourself so beautifully, it’s nice to be reminded that you work on the inside to achieve real beauty on the outside. Thank you for that.

as someone who has struggled for over ten years with an eating disorder, my self esteem is still completely shot, and sometimes it is a real struggle to believe it when my husband of six years tells me i am beautiful.

this post moved me to tears.

i know in my heart i am still pushing him away, and i am still grappling for that self-love.

This just earned yourself a new fan and subscriber. I’ve been reading your site a lot and see a lot of what you’ve been through and where you are now in little pieces of me. I was just writing in my blog about exercise today (if I make the post) and it included about the obsessive and hurtful times. I’m going to share this link as well. Priceless. Thanks.

Angela – you are an amazing girl! You have so much insight and self-awareness ~ I think you are going to do wonderful things with your life (you should seriously consider moonlighting as a life coach :-)!! Thanx for sharing so many personal reflections….it is very touching and inspiring.

This is such a beautiful and honest post. Thank you for sharing. I can definitely relate from my past too where I have pushed partners away due to my own obsessive issues with my body and food. Thank goodness that is all in the past but I agree it is something you need to put constant attention on (like most things in life to remain balanced and healthy!).

I am running an Emotional Eating program right now and funnily enough, the weekly exercises are called “Self-Love Sheets”. I thought it was fitting and your post just confirms it for me. Thanks Angela :)

This is absolutely beautiful; I can tell it’s a subject you care about because it’s so well written! (Different less upbeat style than your usual, but it really works for you!) I loved getting a small peak into the more personal side of things, love that even though you have now found your glow you’re not afraid to talk about when things weren’t that great and love that Eric seems like such a wonderful guy (You guys really deserve each other – I hope you’ll grow ridiculously old together and when you’re 120 still get to sit in rocking chairs holding hands and adoringly shoot each other wrinkly smiles. Disclaimer: I may have been influenced by watching Up yesterday).

Please know that you really touched someone with this entry. And have a ridiculously wonderful Wedensday :)

I am having trouble with self-love right now and it is affecting my relationship with my spouse and that is the LAST thing I want … I was wondering if there is any books you have read that you would recommend?

Angela, this was a wonderful post — so touching. I’ve struggled with disordered eating of all kinds for a long time, and only recently (6 months ago) decided to really turn things around and start loving myself like I should have all along! Yesterday, for Valentine’s Day, I celebrated getting to under 200 pounds for the first time since I was still in high school (over 45 pounds lost!), a result of my new healthy lifestyle. If that’s not a declaration of self-love, I’m not sure what is!

I just wanted to say thank you for you being so honest with us all here. I recently came to terms on my blog with my eating struggles as well, and I know I wouldn’t have been able to talk about it so openly if I hadn’t read your honest posts about your own struggles in the past. You are amazing.

I read this yesterday and it’s been on my mind since then. I’ve been in Eric’s position- my ex-boyfriend had a pretty serious eating disorder (yes, it’s more common than you think) with the full set of body image and confidence problems that come with that. I knew that he felt like you did, and tried my best to get him to see a therapist and get better. He went to a therapist for a little while, but really didn’t WANT to get better at that point, and ended up breaking up with me and moving out of our apartment to “work on himself by himself.” Unfortunately, our story did not have a happy ending; he tried to get back together with me twice that year, claiming he had changed, and it immediately became apparent that he had not and actually did not have the strength or desire to change.

Sorry for the sad story! But I wanted to tell you that congratulations (is that the right word?) for having the strength and the perseverance to work through your troubles and be a better partner for Eric. He’s lucky to have you.

Awesome…like always! You articulated exactly why I don’t feel pressure to rush into a relationship. I need to work on MYSELF first and love myself before I will allow anyone to love me and for me to fully love anyone else. Thank you!!! :) <3

You are amazing! I get so excited to wake up and see what new recipe you have posted. I have a similar story as yours but I am recovered as well. I am a junior college pursuing a business marketing major and health science minor and interning at a nutrition and fitness place called tone it up. I love your story and how you balance your life so well. You are such an inspiration to me and so many others! I just wanted to let you know how much you have inspired my in my recovery.

than you so much angie!! I am a 21 yr. old junior at Sam Houston State University (Texas) studying nutrition and struggling with disordered eating. It has affected my life and relationships significantly. The desire to be perfect has pushed me to starve myself for long periods of time, and then occasionally eat to the point of being sick. I’m only 112 lbs at 5’6, but I know that I’m not healthily at a natural weight. I look sick all the time, my energy levels dip and I don’t feel like being social. When I read this post tears rolled down my cheeks, because it’s true what you said about pushing people away and letting low self esteem take over. I too lost the one who is most precious to me because of this behavior. He has done all he can and at this point feels he has to let me go. I miss him very much but know that I have to get well and love myself first, and this post has given me some peace and hope for the future. Thank you for opening up to us like this, we (your readers) love you!!

This is absolutely one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. You are so amazing. Reading your blog continues to give me hope and lets me see the light at the end of the tunnel through all my current struggles. Although I don’t know you personally, through your blog you have been a miraculous friend. Your posts give me the strength and encouragement I need to keep fighting when I am overcome with despair. I thank you more than words could ever explain.

I think what I tend to do, when I’m feeling insecure and not loving myself, I subconsciously put the blame on my husband, and unknowingly/not purposefully point out his flaws, so I can feel better about myself. I noticed this awhile back and when I became conscious of what I was doing, I was horrified. After my husband got very upset at me because of one of my nit-picky, blaming episodes, I broke down and told him I believed I did that as a coping mechanism for my own insecurities. It’s something I’ve really been working on. Recognizing it is half the battle!!! Luckily, my husband is an extremely loving, gracious man, who loves me so much, all he did was embrace me and let me cry it out. I think everyone who has ever had an eating disorder or self-esteem issues can relate to pushing people away and putting up walls in their relationships. But man! We are lucky women, to have such loving men in our lives! I’m thankful for my hubby!!

Angela, I really love your blog and this post is just as wonderful as all the others. I seldom come across blogs that are as inspiring as yours! I myself have struggled with my weight for a long time but I haven’t been able to lose weight and that really depressed me. But your stories about food, sports and accepting yourself have taught me that there IS so much more to me than just my appearance! Reading your blog makes me happy and makes me want to start running again and make all of your amazing recipes! :) I just wanted to thank you for helping me realize that I shouldn’t obsess about food all the time and that food and exercise can and should be fun!

What a beautiful and meaningful post. Thank you for being brave and sharing with us. Thank you for the reminder that you do have to love YOU before you can give 100% in any relationship, wife, daughter, mother….

I’ve been following your blog for quite some time now and love all your recipes (can’t wait for the second cookbook to come out!). I stumbled upon this article browsing your website and it’s got me in tears. What a beautiful inspiring story. I’m in exactly the same place you were a few weeks after the breakup. Everything about your story is similar to mine. You’ve inspired me to start working on my self-love, you’re truly an inspiration and role model to me Angela. I hope you know how inspiring you are to people. Thank you.