The Blindest Blind Date

We’ve all made the mistake of setting up friends on a blind date. You know two single people, you think they would be perfect for each other because they have so much in common–for example, both of them are extremely lonely–and you suggest arranging a blind date to throw the two lonely hearts together. What’s wrong with trying to help?

I’m not saying you should never set people up on a blind date, but I am saying you should never call it a blind date, or even a date for that matter. Going on a blind date brings so much pressure to look your best, be personable, desperately grasp at conversation starters, all while under the microscope of being the type of person who can’t find a date on your own.

My suggestion: Take the pressure off by setting people up on the blindest blind date–a date so blind, they don’t even know they’re on a date.

The Moving House Blind Date

I asked Lauren and Brian–two friends of mine whom I knew would be perfect for each other–to help me move. After thirty minutes I said I had to run out to get more boxes and returned four hours later wearing a wet swimsuit with a towel over my shoulder, drinking a Slurpee, and carrying no boxes. During those four hours they had plenty of time to talk about all the things they had in common–like how much they agreed I was a terrible friend. The final straw came when I started to play the piano while they were trying to move it, and they both stormed off, only to return a short time later to ask if I could re-park the moving truck which I had purposely parked behind Lauren’s car. I responded by shouting at them for interrupting me in the middle of playing Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue, which takes me twenty minutes to play, and now I had to start over. After ten minutes of waiting as I played as slowly as possible, Brian offered to give Lauren a ride home, and they ended up stopping for drinks so they could discuss their terrible day.

You’re welcome, Lauren. You’re welcome, Brian.

The Despondent Note Blind Date

I left a despondent note for Todd and a despondent note for Donna and told them I was headed to Lookout Point to end it all. They both showed up and tried to talk me down from the cliff.

Paul: What’s the point? I have nothing to live for. None of my friends even care about me.
Todd: I care about you, Paul!
Donna: Me, too.
Paul: You guys both care about me? Sure sounds like you have a lot in common. Do either of you like photography?
Todd: Paul, you know I love photography! I’m a wedding photographer!
Donna: Really? I’m a wedding florist.
Paul: But nobody shares my love of cats wearing wedding dresses.
Todd: That’s not true! You know I love cat weddings! You were the first one I told about my cat wedding book idea Here Meows the Bride.
Donna: I would buy that book! I would absolutely buy that book! I make tiny bouquets for my cats.

Does anybody else hear wedding bells?

The Charity Bake Sale Blind Date

I told Monica and David I was organizing a charity bake sale in the park and asked if they would both bake something and set up their own tables. On Sunday, they were the only two tables in the entire park because none of the fake people I invited showed up. I came for fifteen minutes and muttered how disappointed I was that only 2 out of 200 committed tables showed up and apparently 99% of people cared more about the Super Bowl than charity. I excused myself because the Super Bowl was starting, but I didn’t feel bad because I knew Monica and David would want to be alone so they could discuss the two things I knew they had in common: 1. Their love of feeling holier than others 2. Their hatred of football.

I’ve had a lot of success in my secret blind date setups, and five of those trick dates grew into long-term relationships. I rarely receive acknowledgement for setting up these single friends, but I don’t mind–because nobody blamed me when two out of those five success stories ended horribly.

60% is a fabulous success rate, congratulations! True story – my friend had evil rottweilers for pets and when she went out of town for a week she had asked her cousin and a coworker to look after them but meant to have one go in mornings and the other evenings. They both showed up that first night and the horrible dogs trapped them in the food pantry together for a couple hours until they threw food further and further away from the door trying to escape. They were married three months later. Talk about unintentional blind dates!

Oh my! Thanks for putting more ideas in my head, because clearly – I don’t have enough up there already. Your ideas are brilliant! Who knew moving could be so easy?

My blind date story: We are at a fancy Mexican restaurant. Fancy, because they have cloth napkins. The guy proceeds to blow his nose into the cloth napkin and place it upon the table when he is done. It was repulsive.
I will admit, I was not optimistic going into the date, so I had three girlfriends waiting at another table (discretely). When the date ended, he drove one way, and I pretended to drive another way. Then I returned to the restaurant and enjoyed a meal and drinks with my girlfriends.

2 out of 5 ended horribly…I like those odds- you have a 60% success rate. Can you set me up on a blind date…maybe with a daycare provider who loves kids with attitudes and high pitched screams. It can be a man or a woman, or a couple looking to adopt, it really doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter that I am married either.

This is very true. I have several friends who are divorced and my husband and I are always trying to figure out who would go good with who. I figure I would have a picnic and just invite those two particular people and tell them I don’t understand why no one else showed up.

My father set me up on a blind date one time.
As if that’s not embarrassing enough, the “date” itself was this guy moving me out of my dorm and driving the 5 1/2 hours back home.
I don’t even like spending 5 1/2 hours in the car with my friends, but considering it’s rude to tuck and roll out of a moving car on the first “date” I just went along with it.
At least your set-up involved baked goods…

One ended in divorce and I’m told she was really crazy, although I never saw it. The second couple never married, but she also turned out to be crazy–which I did see–and made his life miserable for a couple years after it ended.

Donna and Todd sound like a lovely couple. I’m glad he was able to find someone else after his wife had fake cancer. I hope they have many happy years and share their happiness by setting up some of their feline clients.

I somehow can see creating a “medical emergency” as potentially working itself into the whole ‘blind date’ thing. A hospital waiting room, or emergency room, could offer plenty of pathos and shared negative emotions – perfect for setting 2 people up for a life together. (of course, arranging an automobile accident between two people just so they can meet is probably wrong)

Inga recently wrote about that: why do people think, “Oh, so and so is single and so is so and so” like that’s a match made in heaven? It’s NEVER based upon common interest. I got set up on a blind date with a closeted homosexual (later came out–guess I did that for him) based upon the notion we both liked Star Trek.

A lot of people like ST. That’s like saying, “You like baseball.” That’s not gonna work.

In my late teens, my best friend and her boyfriend (they’ve been married now for 27 years) set me up on a double date with one of his friends. The guy was too geeky (even for me), tongue-tied and sweaty. We had absolutely nothing in common. We went out dancing, and he couldn’t dance! It was a total fail…I dodged a bullet with that one, because after he got married, I heard that he and his wife had TRIPLETS!

Jim’s sister is a lovely girl, but is 34 and still single…I’d love to set her up with somebody nice…maybe I need to organize a fake bake sale…

I’ve never set anyone else up, though I was possibly set up myself by someone as mysterious and covert as you. One woman dropped a head of lettuce on my foot, which is I guess a modern equivalent for a handkerchief. I had to pick it up of course, and she asked if I had any bus tokens. We rode downtown together and dated for three weeks, right up until I found out about her 4 kids from 3 dads. I never could figure out why we were both in that grocery store.

I once had a horribly ugly friend, he made Cher’s son from that movie Mask, look like a regular Brad Pitt.

Anyways he asked if I could set him up with a blind date. After rolling around laughing for several hours I decided to do it. I purchased a packet of dates told him they never had vision and to the best of my knowledge they lived happily ever after.

You never know. While not as extreme as the case you describe, just the other day I was looking at a slide show about Sophia Loren’s life. Her husband (and by all accounts it was a very happy and long marriage) did not at all look what you would expect one of the most beautiful women in the world to choose.

True story, I once set two friends of mine up on a “Stealth Blind Date” (my term for it, which you may use, with proper accreditation of course) by convincing them that the world was gonna end. It was a flawless plan, since even if they hated each-other they’d be compelled to stay together to propogate the species. I’m pleased to say it was a resounded success, and they’re still living happily together to this day! Or at least they were the last time I checked the bunker surveillance footage.