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Monday, July 18, 2016

Hillary Clinton cleared of wrongdoing at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

After an intensive three week investigation, Hillary Clinton was cleared of vandalism charges at Clow UFO Base.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar explained his decision to the interstellar media. “As much as it will disappoint the Republican Party, I must conclude that Hillary Clinton no messier than any other VIP at Clow.”

Despite months of speculation and accusations by conservative UFOlogists, Claar said that it didn’t take his investigators long to get to the truth. “We have cameras all over this base, and observers everywhere else. Nothing gets by me here. The truth is, unfortunately, that Ms. Clinton is innocent and her accusers, in this case, have an estranged relationship with reality.”

Claar did criticize Clinton for leaving towels on the floor and leaving her bed unmade every night. “I guess I’m required to say that this is reckless somehow, so I’ll say it.”

Throughout the press conference, Claar stressed that he was a member of the First Party for Bolingbrook and never mentioned the Republican Party, though he is a member of the Illinois Republican Party.

“I believe in America first, and people who agree with me should be for Bolingbrook.”

Former President Bill Clinton rushed the stage, and pulled the microphone away from Claar. “Thank you for exonerating my wife, I mean future President. How much do I owe your campaign fund?”

Claar turned red, but kept his voice level as he took the mike back. “How about you just pay for the damage you did during your last Presidential visit?”

“I thought we were over that.”

“No.”

Zoie Boilt, alien correspondent for Info Wars Interstellar, was not impressed with the investigation. “Roger should have kept going until he found something. That’s what a true white blooded, I mean red blooded, Republican would do.”

Hillary Clinton refused to be interview for this article, but an intern did complain about all the investigations. “This is the stupidest investigation yet. The sad thing is, with Donald Trump running, the Republicans will be forced to initiate even dumber investigations to cover up how terrible he is. That’s why I’m with her!”

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