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Thursday, December 8, 2011

The 3-Step Pathetic Chap's Guide to Preventing Dogs from Begging at the Table

Warnings: Not for the squeamish or faint of heart. Bloodshed is highly likely, therefore, DO NOT try this at home, unless you are a pathetic chap. On second thought, don't EVER try this at home. Results are NOT typical and are NOT guaranteed. Please respect animals and eat responsibly.

So, we can't eat orange citrus fruit in the house without being harassed. I say that's a small price to pay, considering Jon Farleigh and Dewi have never begged for food at the table. And, no, we are not a vegan family.

We are, however, pathetic chaps (is there a feminine form of chap?). And this is how pathetic chaps do it:

BEFORE YOUR DOG COMES HOME: Adopt a beautiful, yet exceptionally cantankerous and strong-willed cat. (Don't worry! The cat WILL mellow with patience and time, and before you know it, you'll be wrapped around its claws paws.)

Example:

Fine print: Cat must NOT be finicky and MUST have uncanny ability to sense when
humans are getting ready to sit down at the table for a meal.

Allow cat to beg at the table.

(Note: By "allow" we mean that given the choice between getting a swift claw to the butt and dropping a shred of meat, egg or cheese on the floor, wisely choose the latter.)

Observe how it's done:

Caution!: Whatever you do, do NOT encourage your cat to sit AT the table, like this:

Because you will inevitably be left with this:

We suggest wearing long leather gloves and protective eye wear when removing cat.

(Note: Do not be alarmed by ear-splitting crying and wailing. This is normal and helps instill inter-species respectfulness. In other words, your cat has just scared the crap out of your dog(s).)

So as long as your cat is begging for food at the table, your dog(s) will not, because he fears for his life.

Not begging, but respectfully observing

*****

If you liked this guide, just wait 'til you read the next installment: How to keep your dogs off on furniture! (Oh wait, I already wrote that.)

Editor's note: Although this is a truely pitiful story, Eva the cat is a cherished member of our household - whether the dogs choose to beg or not. Incidentally, Tigger and Lulabelle, our other two cats, do not fancy table scraps and have never begged for anything other than their designated cat treats. :)

6 comments:

LOL Seems like reasonable advice, but I think I got the wrong kind of cat to help with the dog begging. The cat in our house does not care for people food at all and leaves the room when we sit down to eat. Next cat I will make the liking of people food a requirement... :)

Don't make me get ugly

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