Recently I've been reading books for a potential prose piece for my speech tournament, but so far I have been unsuccessful. Most of this is due in part to the boredom that comes over me after reading the first ten pages of certain books. However, the book I'm currently reading isn't that bad. It's just confusing. I'm not sure I can turn it in to a prose yet, but I'm hoping to.

I guess that's the problem right now: I've got all these ideas for speeches (an idea for a CA, an idea for an ADS, and an idea for a Prose) for this semester, but I can't actualize on them.

I keep running into minor problems with the topics that I've picked (ADS) or I don't know how to do the event yet (CA), or I don't have a cutting to do anything with yet (Prose).

Hopefully I can shake this soon and get back on the right track or else I might have to deal with the vein, and that's something I don't want to experience...ever.

Recently I received all of my grades for this semester, and while I did amazing well in almost all of my classes, I've noticed something interesting about my overall performance per semester.

This semester my class/grade breakdown is as follows:

Anthropology - A

Debate - A

Speech - A

Japanese - C

Energy - A

Swimming - P

Not bad at all, by any means. Ok, so I dislike the fact that I got a "C", and I dislike the fact that it's in one of the required classes for my minor, and I dislike the fact that I got it from a fuckwad professor...but other than that I'm very happy with my performance this semester.

Still, a pattern exists per semester. A pattern also seems to be forming with my Math and Japanese classes as well.

The first pattern, I'm hoping, is solely coincidental. It seems that every semester I've managed to get at least one "C" while the rest of my grades are great. The first two "C"s (by semester) were both in Math courses (Pre-Calculus, then Survey of Calculus). Considerably, that's really not that bad either. However, in terms of GPA (which probably doesn't mean much of anything anymore; except to people like Nancy H. who would pull a motherfucking "H-Bomb" if she ever received a single "B" in her college career) it's not a good thing. If I average at least one C every semester, my GPA cannot be higher than a 3.6 when I graduate. Not that that's a big deal, but it just bothers me that I'm not getting a higher GPA.

The second pattern I've noticed lies in my performance by course, specifically Math and Japanese. Math, as a general rule, at my college is a horrible field to deal with because the department has a reported 72% failure rate and doesn't care that it's that high. So, getting "C"s in those courses is considered "decent" by typical standards (Typical being that a C is considered average). However, if the past two "C"s I have received are any indication of my grades to come in math, there might be some problems since I'm taking Calculus I next semester, and I want to do better in terms of overall GPA. Japanese, on the other hand, has had a declining grade average compared to math. During my first semester of Japanese I received an "A", then I received a "B" during the next semester, and, recently, a "C" this semester (but I believe most of it was in part to the douchery that infested the course during this semester [i.e. my shitty professor]). Regardless, my grades in Japanese have been slipping and it's kind of got me worried--especially since it's my minor. Now, I don't think I'll get a "D" in 202, but the thought has crossed my mind that I might not do well next semester if I have to juggle Math and Japanese again. After all, that's what led to my "B" in Japanese last spring semester. As such, I'm concerned that Calculus this semester might lead to the same thing or worse when added to the given douchery of the class this semester.

I'm probably jumping the gun in making these assertions. After all, classes don't start for another two weeks, and I don't even know what my Calculus class will require of me. And yet, it worries me given my past record. It worries me given the previous course in Japanese and all its douchery, especially since I have not one, but TWO classes with the aforementioned Japanese professor.

Play it by ear? Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. It's the "shock and awe" of it that worries me.

I wish I could stay in this sort of swing of things. I get 8-9 hours of sleep a night and wake up, naturally and very refreshed, at around 7-9 in the morning. Now most would say that this circadian rhythm is very unusual for me except when at a debate tournament or when I have to go to some appointment. However, I happen to find that when I'm not stressed and not too busy I naturally fall into this circadian rhythm. What's better is that I don't have to drink coffee or coke or anything caffeinated to stay awake. It's all natural (minus the staple of a coke I drink at lunch here). Conversely, at college, I'm always getting to bed late and waking up early after my alarm clocks (yes, I need more than one) beep for the hundredth time. I only get around 5-7 hours of sleep on weekdays and I usually feel that I need coffee to get through the day (which is why I spent roughly 130 dollars at Starbucks this year [damn their godly delicious toffee nut lattes with whipped cream!]).

Sadly, though, I'll be reverting back to the college circadian rhythm when I get back to Idaho. Granted that's about two weeks away, but it's still inevitable. If there were some way to keep this circadian rhythm I think I'd be happier, healthier, have fewer caffeinated expenses, and actually be able to get more work done.

And while the growing consensus will be that I won't be able to, and if and when it fades I'll most assuredly be nagged by Lacey or Barton or both, I still want to try and keep it going this way for as long as possible. I don't know why, but it feels good to be up early and fall asleep at night naturally--to have a full day. I don't think I've really had a single day like this back in Idaho since college started. So, while it might be lame, and even unusual, I'm going to try and keep this circadian rhythm--it's now an item on my New Year's Resolution.

Just a minor note: if my posts appear to be at an unusual time (which really isn't that unusual since I'm usually still awake at this time in Idaho) it's because I'm 8 hours ahead of Idaho time here in Germany.

With my finals done, my bags packed, and my room somewhat cleaned, I'm on my way back to Germany.

Though, I have to say it has certainly been an interesting semester, and while I'd like to reflect on it now I think it'd be best to wait until I get home. Besides, I need to have some sleep before I fly out later today (at roughly 10 A.M.). Although it is trite and very cliche, I can say I learned a lot this semester and this year.

The reflections I have yet to write will consist of a lot more than what I'm about to write, but some of the most important things I've learned this semester and year are:

A real friend will take care of you when you're lost, down, upset, angry, emo-depressed, and bored.

Spending money on fast food isn't the best idea, but it's quick and easy.

Family is always concerned (and I love them for it).

Some professors do suck. (Dr. Parks and Ehara-sensei)

Some professors are amazing. (Marty and Dr. House)

College is about becoming educated. If you aren't here to learn and grow, then what the hell are you doing here? This is not a marriage institution.

Political Science as a major will get you nowhere.

Certain "rich bitch" up-class bullshit colleges really are vindictive. No matter, they still suck and can't match up with our amazing debate team. Which, in case you didn't know, has only recently gained recognition because of our amazing football team. Who knew we'd ride their coattails?

Friends become family when they watch your car. (And, of course, really care for you like family. My deepest thanks to them! :D )

You are never so alone when you have friends, family, and love all around you. It's always there. Sometimes, though, you have to quit being emo-depressed and see it's right in front of you.

Again, I'll reflect more later. It's been another great semester and I'm looking forward to the next...even if it makes me want to kill myself.

To my Spud Buds in Idaho: I'll drink a beer or two for all of you. :D I'll see you in a few weeks. Happy Holidays! Oh! By the way, part of my New Year's resolution is to kick those certain "rich bitch" college's asses at the next tournament. I can't wait! :D

I'm finally finished with all of my finals, now all I have to do is wait until my grades are posted. I'm not too worried. I'm seriously hoping I pulled all A's, but due to my dumbass Japanese professor, I really should only be hoping for 5 A's and a B. (I'll be lucky if it's a B.)

Anyway, that's besides the point. I've got one whole day until I fly back home to see my family and I can't wait. :D It's going to be a busy but hella' fun Christmas.

Moving in with Brad was a bad idea, but against my better judgment I went with it. The rest of us in this apartment went with it. However, thanks to Brad and all his douchery and fucking up this semester, he's planning to move back home because he isn't going to be able to get a loan for next semester. As such he's dropping out of school, moving out of the apartment, and fucking things up in the process.

Thanks for being a procrastinating pot-puffing, selfish asshole, dumbfuck dickwad and telling the rest of the apartment about your decision one week before we can finalize for another roommate. I know I really appreciate it, fucker!

I'll detail more later today...after I get some rest. (Hopefully that relieves the tension and anger. Don't hold you breath though.)

Earlier tonight the made-for-tv movie of Mitch Albom's, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" was on. Having read the book back in March, I was very interested in seeing how well the adaptation would be from book to boob-tube. Usually when I've read a book and then find out it is going to be on the silver screen in any form I start wondering how well it will be in comparison to the book. I also question who they pick for the main roles and why. (I still can't believe they picked Tom Hanks for the main role in The Da Vinci Code)

Thankfully the adaptation on to the boob-tube did the book justice. The adaptation followed almost perfectly with the book, save for a few small parts (cut due to time, I'm sure).

If you haven't read the book, I recommend you check it out. It's amazing. I don't want to spoil any of it for you if you haven't read or seen it, so check it out at your local library or, maybe, ABC will show it again.

I never thought that I would question whether or not I wanted to continue on with Japanese; however, lately it seems that this thought has been crossing my mind everyday whenever I think about anything associated with Japan.

I still love Japanese, but the fact that I have to deal with another semester of the worst language instruction methods since Ms. Feischtinger's Spanish class in high school (which, in case you don't know, consisted of Ms. Feischtinger saying random things throughout the lecture and then telling us to read the book because she'd rather just give quizzes [which almost everyone cheated on]) leaves me wanting to drop out of the whole program altogether. I know it's only one more semester and I know my problem is with the professor and the class itself...not the subject. However, I feel that I'm wasting my money and time on a pointless hour that's, as previous noted, nothing more than reading the book on my own.

Maybe it would be better if I did it on my own?

I don't know. I'll probably stay because I'm a intellectual masochist. Yet, at the same time, I might go insane because half my classes are with this professor and I'll have CALCULUS to worry about too.

I think I can clearly say that next semester isn't going to be pretty. Watch out, I might bite.

P.S. The Youkoso (Yookoso) workbook SUCKS ASS! Whoever the dumbass(es) was that put it together deserves to be brutally tortured so he/she/they can suffer what thousands of students have suffered.
8 hours. That's how long this chapter took to finish, and it's not even FULLY done. Yookoso, McGraw-Hill, and Yasu-Hiko Tohsaku have good intentions, but they still predominately suck ass. Luckily I'm not Uma Thurman and this isn't the world of Kill Bill or there would be some revenge to exact.

Today my Japanese class got the evaluation forms to fill out on our professor and our education. I spent 20 minutes writing about how much I disliked the class and the professor. Here are some of my comments:

"Class time was not used effectively by the professor. He used nearly 20 minutes a day to discuss various things that didn't have any relation to the class." ; "The Professor was enthusiastic about the material, but never made it fun or culturally educational as upper-level language classes are supposed to be." ; "No, I would not recommend this professor to any other students. This class is the equivalent to buying the required books and going to the library to practice and read them on my own. My money could have been spent better." ; "Make the material more fun and interesting, be creative. The class consisted of reading, reading, writing, reading, reading." ; "Outline course objectives and due dates and stick to them. Don't change them and then say that the assignment is late when you never announced the new due date. Work on communication with students." ; "Either improve the method of teaching or get a new professor for upper level language classes. If not, just get rid of the department altogether because as of right now it's not that educational or interesting."

Yeah, that last one is harsh. I don't think I've ever been that mean on an evaluation before.

Don't you find it funny how many minutes and hours of the day we spend worrying about things in the future? I do.

Today, hours were wasted by my thoughts. Hours wasted by my worrying about some assignment that's due two days from now, but really means nothing in the long run. At least, not that much.

Someone once said to me, "Twenty-four hours from now it will be tomorrow and this will have already passed." I guess, sometimes I need to remind myself that tomorrow is only twenty-four hours away. That, in hours, day, weeks, etc., from now this will have passed and I'll be tackling something new. I'll be doing something else and not really thinking about what already happened.

However, this does not mean that I like my professor. I don't. In fact, I dislike him immensely. When evaluations come around I'm going to be the last one to finish writing because I have so much to say. Aside from that, though, it just means I've finally come to some sort of peace with the current situation at hand with this class.

"You live the life you're given with the storms outside, and some days all I do is watch the sky."--Watch the Sky :: Something Corporate

After reviewing my academic plans it has come to my attention that I'll be taking five more semesters worth of math classes because my major requires that you be an insane nerdy masochist. Yeah, it worries me too. I'm taking my first of the five semesters this Spring with Calculus I and all the fun that it will bring. (Which, hopefully is not a gun to my head or a trip to the hospital because of alcohol poisoning.)

It's not that bad, I suppose. The Math Department on my campus, however, is another story. If the department didn't pry itself on having a 70% failure rate I'd feel better about taking that much math.

Tutor? Yeah, I think I'll be getting one.

Other than that, I'm looking forward to the rest of my classes...except for the fact that half of them are with my current lousy Japanese professor. Once I'm done with these classes, though, I'll pretty much have my minor out of the way.

Let's see if I'm still singing this tune after the first two-four weeks of next semester.

You know it's a good weekend when you get trashed after the tournament is over and find yourself throwing up in the bus porto-potty the next morning on the way home. Of course, I wouldn't know the full extent of that experience because I wasn't the one barfing my guts out after drinking "2 Margaritas, 2 Coronas, 1 Chimichanga, and 'Soupy' Tequila." Annah, however, was certainly seeing bottom-side on the bus ride home. Now, don't go feeling sorry for her. She drank her heart out and then tried to make everyone else feel sorry for her self-created misfortune. Tragic, I think not.

Besides Annah's barf-fest 2004, the weekend went well. I placed 3rd of 36 in my Informative Speech, 5th of 12 in my Dramatic Interp., and my debate partner Hillary and I broke to Octa-Finals. Overall, our team took second place in Division I behind Carroll. Carroll brought 32 competitors with 77 speech entries, but only broke 42% of them compared to our team who only brought 13 competitors with 47 speech entries and broke in 58% of them. When you break it down in numbers, we did much better than them...and we didn't have to flood the tournament with out speech entries to do it. Still, we increased our lead over Carroll for the NFC by 120 points...a tough lead for the Satanic Saints to break.

Again, all in all it was a good tournament except for the following notations:

Carroll clearly flooded the tournament in an attempt to gain a lead over our college, but didn't manage to. While I think it's somewhat unfair that they brought double the competitors we brought, I can deal with it. However, judging from some of my ballots and the ballots of other members on my team, I think Carroll had some masked malicious intent against my college. Both of the speech events I broke in had the same Carroll judge (among the three judges). And in both of those rounds she dropped my college in placings and points for various dumb citations like:
1. You don't have enough sources in this speech (when I have 8 fully cited sources)
2. You're speech is well done, but you don't walk me through the visual aides you have (When I know I did because the other judges complemented me for it).
3. One caveat, I have heard this piece done so many times and because of it I have to compare you to the rest of them, and you don't do it well enough. So she gave me a 5 and 19 in the round (that's really low).

So, on point three there I'd just like to point out that everyone that broke to finals in DI, with the exception of two people, had pieces that were overdone within the last semester or year. However, I guarantee you that this "unbiased" judge who shall remained unnamed didn't site on their ballots because: One, they were all about man-bashing; Two, they weren't from my college; Three, they didn't stand in the way of her college's attempt to win the the tournament and try and fill the gap; and finally, while she knew they were overdone, she sited my piece in particular because she knew it was her only real scapegoat should the ballot ever have been challenged.

So, not only did she gype me from placing higher, but she also did it in such a way that she wouldn't get called on about it. Which, of course, really angers me. It's one thing to flood the competition in an attempt to win because you're that desperate, but it's another when you have your college's judges purposely lower ranks of the school you're college is in direct contention with. That's not only unfair, it shows just how low you're college really is and how desperate it was to win and have a smaller gap between us for overall sweeps.

Well, I'd just like you to know that I'll be around at the next NFC tournament with all my events that placed, with new speeches that will place, and with a team that will solidify the fact that we own the overall sweeps regardless of your bias and desperation.

Things are much better now that my Anthropology test is done with. Hopefully I did well on it. I think I did. It was one of those tests where I pretty much knew the answer off the bat. If I didn't know the answer, I just guessed with what sounded like the most logical answer. The only annoying part of class was having to sit there amidst the douche bags (95% of the class), who were complaining that: "there was too much to read," "[the professor] was very harsh in his assignment and probably a 'big dick' about what would appear on the test."

To all you douche bags I say the following:

Quit you Goddamn bitching and get over it. First off, reading is a core requirement of the class. Our professor stated that on the first day. Apparently you didn't read the syllabus or you're just lazy. Furthermore, the books aren't that bad. If I can read the "Molded in the Image of Changing Woman" and get through the 245 pages within 4-6 hours, you can too. Hell! You probably had more time than me to get through it because I was lazy and saved it to the last minute. The difference between me and you, though, is that I can read (read, not skim) the book in that short amount of time and remember almost everything and think of questions that might appear on the test. Instead of wasting my time complaining about how "hard" the test might be, I actually study with few complaints, take the test, and kick you asses when I get A's and B's. So don't complain around me because you're that fucking lazy that you can't motivate yourself to get a better grade. Especially those of you who only have two classes, this class being the second of the two.

Finally, I'd like to thank my parents for blessing me with intelligence through their genes. Thanks to them, I can actually retain information and knowledge and realize that in some form it is applicable to my life. I also thank them for teaching me to not be a whinny bitch and complain about something that I have control over. Thank you, God! I am blessed!

Judging high school policy debate requires that you be incredibly stupid and buy completely ludicrous arguments like: sex/slave trafficking will lead to nuclear war, dehumanization will lead to nuclear war, and a plethora of others. Do high schoolers really think we're stupid enough to buy these fallacious arguments...apparently so. I don't want to hear another speech about how the world is going to end in nuclear war because I vote for the Affrimative or Negative. Stupid fuckers!

Also, if I have to listen to a speech on religious intolerance with the introduction, "my girlfriend is Mormon and I'm Catholic and we believe in religious tolerance," someone is going to get hurt.

The cover of the November 6th-13th 2004 Economist is by far the most satanic picture of one Mr. George W. Bush, our president for the next four years.

On the positive side, though, Attorney General John Ashcroft resigned. I know that Ashcroft has been good for America, but he just freaks me out in general. I wonder which evangelical right-winged neo-conservative Bush will put in his place?

The weight of unspoken words fills the atmosphere
the silence remains unbroken
through motion without sound
You'd rather avoid the question
than have to turn around
and slow down to say a word
Instead the language you use
is rooted in the steps you choose
the places you go
and only what you'd like us to know

The times have changed from then to now
but the markings are there
the signs are evident
is there something you'd like to share?
Still the steps you take
echo the distance you place between friend and foe
and it's what they break
the shards they make
the pieces that fall
tell a different story to all

Perhaps it's best to wait it out
and see where it goes
Let it make its mark
and just leave the endings as "who knows"
So you can walk on by
and pretend to us it's gone and dead
but we'll never know for sure
because it's the bullet in your gun
positioned next to your head

These grey skies and passerbys
whisper sighs and quickly-grasped goodbyes
of the past that wasn't meant to be
that was construct of you to me

But, it is another day and I'm moving along
walking down this street
past the places we never used to meet
And then it's this rendezvous
where the crosswalks signal divergence
where words and hugs exchanged echo resurgence
It breaks away from me and you
it's brief, and passing by
symbolic of us, even goodbye
Though, I wish I was getting it all wrong

And weeks have passed
still I'm here like this
breaking it down
wanting to turn it around
wondering if there was something I missed
But there is no explanation for the powers that be
no reason or answers I can clearly see
why we came together
amidst the grey skies and autumn weather
Yet, I hope that it isn't our last

I've been thinking about next year a lot lately, mainly because it seems to be a topic that keeps resurfacing for various reasons during random intervals of stress and space.

Originally I was thinking about next year because I wanted to go to Japan during my junior year to extend my Japanese Minor education and finally become fluent in the language. I wanted to spend at least a semester there to experience life in Japan before I decided to continue on there under the JET Program after graduating college. I admit, too, that at the beginning of this year part of me wanted to leave to Japan next year because I felt like I needed to be somewhere else next year. I chalk this up to the nomadic soul I've obtained from being a dependent in the military and moving every three to four years.

But, that's where original thinking for next year left me. I hadn't really thought about anything else in the works for next year until these last two weeks when things around the apartment started getting somewhat strange. I admit that this is just my perception of events, but it seems like everyone here is somewhat divided on what I now dub: "The Politics of Stress and Space."

Everyone goes through stress and everyone needs their own space, but the real question is: When is it too much?

Apparently this question has been stretched here as of late. Everyone has been stressed out about a number of things. Lacey has been stressing about credits for next semester and the apartment not being clean; Barton has been stressing out about his job and school work (at times); I've been stressing out about next semester, debate, and a plethora of other things...Including what Lacey believes is the male version of PMS (minus certain bodily functions that come attached with that prescription); and Brad, well, he doesn't really stress because he doesn't really care...about anything...really.

Obviously we've all been at ends with stress and it can really pile on at times. When it does, we all vie for space to breathe, to escape, to think, to not think, to just break the stress down. However, when does the space become too much that it almost feels like abandonment? When does it make the others around you feel like you're not connected to them?

As of right now, I can't really answer that question. I know that Barton has been giving Lacey and I(?) space by hanging out with Joe and Bunya. I know Brad is hardly ever here, so we have space enough from him...minus the stench from the dishes not being done, the trash not being taken out, and the apartment rarely being cleaned by him (because Lacey and I have clean the kitchen/apartment area more than anyone else here). Lacey gives adequate space when she's busy or senses that someone needs space. As for me, I'm confused on these politics of space. I'm not sure if I'm giving space or just ignoring the others because I'm worrying about myself, or doing nothing at all.

As such, it's made for a mess of how everyone feels about everyone else in the apartment. Although, there is a growing consensus that Brad needs to clean and, yes, douche. And yet, he was the one who I thought would be the variable in this apartment. However, it has come to my attention that we are all variable to stress and space. Because of our stress and give and take of space, we've all separated ourselves from one another at times. This can, of course, be good when it is needed. I'm certainly not complaining about the space I need when I'm not in a good mood. However, I'm concerned that the space between may actually be too much at times. And it might just be me. It seems that I spend most of my time with Lacey, rarely any time with Barton (aside from debate class and tournaments), and almost no time with Brad. Granted, part of this can be attributed to class schedules and the fact that Barton and Brad work. Yet, it is those times when no one is working or in class, when we're all here, that I sense there is too much space. Sure, we might be working on homework or playing video games or, as crazy as it sounds, listening to the news on the election...but it's not together.

Now, I'm not preaching the old Barney and Freinds motto of "I love you, you love me...", but rather just being together as friends and going to the movies, talking, et cetera every now and then. We really haven't done that this year, and when we have it's always been with other people to the point that it almost seems like a division of friendships. Kind of like being on different islands, but in the same general area. We're together, but we're not.

So, maybe I'm reading into it too much?

Maybe, but the fact that Barton was talking about moving into an apartment next year with Joe and Bunya kind of struck a nerve. I know he feels that Lacey and I are abandoning him in our absence next year...but there is no certainty that I'm going to be gone for the whole year, or even at all. While I originally talked about going to Japan for at least a semester, possibly a year, it isn't set it stone. My parents are in agreement of my extended study in Japan, but they want to know the monetary values attached before anything becomes solidified. (I have yet to set up an appointment with the International Study Abroad Coordinator too.) As such, the fact that he was talking about the apartments for next year and leaving me out kind of perplexed me. I've never said I was going to Japan for sure for the whole year or even at all. I have said that I'd like to go and that I'm planning on it, but it's not certain. It's funny, I know it's not even a big issue and it's melodramatic to write a lengthy post about it, but it all goes back to the afore mentioned politics and, I'm sure, various other alternate causalities. Still, it boils down to the question I have yet to answer: Is there too much space or is there a perceived division in the making?

Let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something, yeah something...I just gotta get myself over me. -- The Format :: The First Single (You Know Me)

Well, needless to say it was an eventful weekend. While I was more than nervous and in a state of serious uncertainty, I managed to have a great weekend in Tacoma. Our team placed first in sweepstakes with a grand total of 236 points, killing the other competition. I also managed to help contribute points to that total this time! I broke in my Informative Speech event and was the fifth finalist out of 13! Yay for hardware!

Other than that, I learned a lot about some of our teammates--possibly more than I needed to know about some of them. Aside from the snoring from our roommate in the hotel, John, it was a good weekend and I'm glad I got through it and enjoyed the rollercoaster ride that it was.

Talk about a sudden rush of anxiety. Tonight I felt like everything was crashing down on me and, even now, I'm wondering why and how to soothe it so it doesn't affect me later. I'm not sure, but I think it's the combination of class scheduling and this weekends debate tournament. Maybe it is too much?

Holy goodness! I've been eating food like it's the end of the world. These last two weeks have been my most ravenous yet. As such, these last to weeks shall be known as "Josephina's Wrath" as I've managed to eat nearly $70 dollars worth of groceries away.

I know, that's A LOT of groceries. Most of it was Easy Mac, Ramen, and some salads...and now most of it is gone. It just amazes me how much of a hunger streak I've been running. I know my body is growing and that, because of swimming and aerobic activity, I'm eating more to keep the calorie intake up, but that's still a lot of food that should've lasted longer.

I don't know what that sounds like to every one else, but that certainly sounds like a lot of food to me. Is it just a hunger streak fueling my growth or am I just a ravenous freak trying to engulf everything around me?

The world is really on fire and it appears that, as Americans, all we care about is ourselves and our election. It's horrific, really.

The WHO has reported that 70,000 people have died in Darfur since March when the Janjaweed reportedly killed thousands of innocent people because the government of Sudan instructed it to do so. So far there has been little to no real press coverage on what can clearly be labeled "genocide" of innocents in Sudan. With aid failing for the thousands of refugees displaced on the Chad-Sudan border, it's only a matter of time before many more will die without anyone to help them. The UN hasn't done enough, and the U.S. isn't doing anything.

It disgusts me that one of the ugliest civil wars of all time is going on, but because of our impending election and our worries about Iraq, our nation hasn't done anything to stop it or help the innocent people being killed by the Janjaweed and disease daily. The news doesn't report it enough and there's not enough being done.

It has to make you wonder what matters most in the minds of America: being a greedy super-power or being the nation we used to known for--the beacon of freedom and hope?

While it isn't over yet, I can certainly say that this month has not been a point of light in my life this year. In fact, I think October has been the worst month I've experienced this year and it doesn't look like it's going to get any better.

I just want something to be positive about, but right now there isn't anything. The only shining moment of this month was the Switchfoot Concert that Lacey and I attended last Wednesday. It was fun, and I needed the relief. Yet, I still feel like there are all these things I have to do, I need to do. All these things that buy my time, these things that worry me. Staying positive isn't the prescription this time, I need to find a way to break it all down. I just haven't found out how.

Perhaps it's just me or the cyclical nature of life.

I'm not saying that I'm going to try being more optimistic, but I will hold out in hopes that the rest of this month gets better. Else, there is nothing to hold on to.

Earlier this evening I found out that my good friend Steven was kicked out of his house by his psycho father. Fortunately for him, Vickie dropped everything she was doing and drove to his house to help him get his stuff and get out, but the real issue lies in where he's going to stay.

In many ways I wonder if this is partially my fault. Earlier this summer I told Steven I could and would drive him to his college in Southern Idaho since I was led to believe his parents weren't willing to help him out at all. When I first got back to Idaho, I initially took care of my self and got settled in my new apartment with my roommates and let things slide for a while. Steven had called for and asked me to take him to his college, but I was extremely busy those weekends he did call. I probably could've dropped everything and headed down there, but I didn't. Instead I attended my Gamma Beta Phi meetings, did homework, and worked on my debate speeches and research. Finally, two weeks later, I got some free time on my schedule and I was planning on taking Steven to his college. The Monday of that week I started my car to drop something off at the post office, but something was wrong. My car began to heat up gradually and I could smell a sulfur-gasoline smell seeping through the air vents and the hood of the car. Needless to say, I didn't drive it anywhere.

After consulting my Dad, we decided it was best to take it to the local radiator shop I took it to last year when my car went crazy on me. Feeling bad about all the delays and not being able to get him to his college, I offered to buy him a greyhound bus ticket to his college, but he refused both times. So, I just let it go. Due to some delays and then a tournament the week after and then being busy again, I ended up getting my car checked yesterday. According to the owner of the local radiator shop, my car's problem lies in the carburetor and possibly the air filter. Both of which I'll have to get replaced soon. Obviously, there was no way I could've driven down to Steven and then to his college without risking my life, and, possibly, his.

Still, all of it somehow led to him getting kicked out of his house. While I don't feel responsible for the atmosphere that caused the problems that eventually lead to him getting kicked out, I feel like I could've done more. Part of me says "If I would've just went down there that weekend, this wouldn't have happened!" The other part of me says "Hey, wait, this was bound to happen eventually. You saw it last August when his Dad went psycho and threw a frozen chicken into the wall because he was pissed that Steven was still living there."

Regardless, I feel horrible inside. I look at how his fucked-up verbally and physically abusive Dad forced Steven to leave and how his weak and needy Mother refused to really help him or put a stop to her husband's malicious behavior led to him getting kicked out. Granted, Steven played a role in it himself. He didn't really work to actually get the college stuff done on time so he could go. I pushed him to do it all last year and he slacked off. And, In this sense I don't feel bad for him because I was there and I did help him to the best of my ability. Still, I feel such sympathy for him because he has it so much harder than I do. In my case, my parents are supporting me financially through college as long as I continue to work my ass off for scholarships, they're not asking much from me, and, most importantly, they love me.

Perhaps this is why it hurts to hear and imagine Steven being on his own. I've never understood, until now, how bad some people have it. I always assumed that most parents supported their children because they wanted them to do better than they ever did. Obviously this isn't the case for everyone. I guess I was just incredibly naive. As much as I'd like to believe that Steven is better off away from his parents, I'm worried that he won't make it on his own in the long run. While I'm trying to support him as best as possible now, I'm worried that anything I can do will not be enough for him, and that scares me.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. - Carl Gustav Jung

Jung is by far the most spiritually in-tuned psychologist ever to grace the planet. His theories and thoughts on life are unique. If you don't know who he is or his thoughts and theories, check out the link through his name.

I woke up late today and missed my Japanese class. Morning classes just aren't my thing. If there is a class before 10:00 on my schedule, chances are it will be the one I miss the most. I don't know what it is with me and not being able to wake up early, but I just can't. It's a miracle that I haven't missed more of my Japanese class, really.

Some might attribute this to my crazy sleeping schedule, the one where I stay up until two, sometimes three, doing homework or watching television. Then trying to wake up early on only five to six hours of sleep. Some might attribute it to the mass amounts of caffeine I drink during the day, especially since I practically proclaimed I was a caffeine God last year, but in actuality, those mass amounts have been limited to a weekly Venti or Grande Toffee Nut Latte from Starbucks on Tuesday's. It usually runs dead around 3:40 during my Energy for society class where I have to either find a way to make a jokes out of the lecture or buy a coke to stay awake through it. However, given that I don't consume caffeine everyday, I find this explanation to be somewhat misleading. I think the real reason I can't get up early is centered around something else.

Don't get me wrong, I love Japanese. If I didn't, I would've dropped the class a long time ago. However, the class itself isn't the problem. As I mentioned before, it's the professor. I respect him, and I enjoy the class with him, but because the way things are set up in his class I don't feel like there's a real need to be there unless it's a test or quiz day (which happen every Thursday). Without a real sense of purpose, my mind tells my body "Yo! It's ok to get the extra sleep, you aren't missing that much." Even though I might very well be missing a big chunk of something that might appear on the test/quiz. As such, I haven't missed a single Thursday, but I have missed a Monday and a Tuesday (not during the same week).

The odd thing is that I never missed a day of work this summer no matter how late I went to bed. One night I went to bed around 4:30 and still woke up at 6:30 to take a shower. I was exhausted, granted, but I still went to work with a cup of joe in hand and without any real worries. I would always survive these sleep deprived days, and I wasn't always saturated in all things caffeinated.

The difference?

A sense of purpose. I felt like I needed to be at work every day by that time or else there would serious repercussions for my actions. With classes here at college I know my grade will be hurt slightly, but nothing else is really affected. I think that's why I miss some classes. I somehow attach purpose and value to a class. I value all my classes highly, as I love to learn and grow. Purpose, however, varies greatly between classes because not all of them have a purpose OR I don't sense their dire purpose. The latter being a very bad mind set to have.

Having said that, I think I need to find some good things in the class that allow me to attach a higher purpose to it. Once I can do that, I'll probably be able to get out of bed and go to class without too many problems.

Of course, good sleep is always something I should maintain...even though the college atmosphere sometimes doesn't permit it as easily.

I'm not sure if it's a mood swing or my music, but lately I've been doubting myself more than usual. I don't usually doubt myself, mind you, except in a round of roshambo with a seven-year-old. Honestly though, I don't know what's making me feel like I can't pull through my Japanese class. Besides the "amazing" grade I got on my last test--the one that I would consider a atomic bomb on all my academic success in that class this semester--I can't figure out a real objective reason for my doubt.

Last year I never doubted my abilities in my Japanese class. I was always ready for the tests and quizzes, not necessarily because I knew the material, but because I was confident that I would do well no matter what. My former sensei, French-sensei, always made us review the material over and over again, making sure we regurgitated it to the point where we understood it. I remember thinking it was a tedious tax on my time to constantly review the old material from previous weeks classes, but because of it I knew I would do well when quiz and test time came around.

This year, however, the poison of doubt has managed to strike at me. Sure, it coursed throughout my veins, but it never managed to paralyze me--until now. I can honestly say that I don't feel comfortable in my Japanese class this year. Sure, I may know the material to an extent, but I'm not confident in my knowledge. I don't feel like I have the backing in it that I once had. Part of this is due the extended break from using the language this summer, but the other part falls onto my current sensei. While Ehara-sensei is a nice guy, his structure and schedule for understanding the next level of Japanese isn't as well planned or review-oriented as French-sensei's was. I didn't really care that they were different until a few weeks ago when the tide of quizzes and tests finally hit my shore with a torrential force that could rival any hurricane. Obviously, it's hard to understand what I'm saying if you don't have the class. Basically put, the weekly quiz/tests are annoying me because of the point values they have and the fact that fucking up one of the tests not only rapes you, it rapes your grade.

And still, I hear a voice reminding me to breathe and move on. I am breathing, I am moving. I'm trying to adapt, but it's led me to doubt. In my doubt I've grown agitated, annoyed, and weak. I'm not dwelling here, but it's hard to move when you feel you've lost the momentum, the motivation to continue on.

Carve your heart out yourself
Hopelessness is your cell
Since you've drawn out these lines
Are you protected from trying times?

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh Lord, now, there you go with hope again
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end

Dig a ditch deep enough
To keep you clear of the sun
You've been burned more than once
You don't think much of trust

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh Lord, now, there you go with hope again
But I'll be sure your secret is safe with me
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end
Treating me like I'm already gone

But I'm not, I will stay where you are always
I will stay, I will stay, I will stay (all of now)
[repeat to fade out]

There's a thick signature-saturated book on my shelf that, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I carried with me to college last year and still have in my close possession. It details pieces of my past in segments divided by numbers, themes, and pictures with clever descriptions of times so separated from now that I don't even recognize their depth. A name to face, a description to a situation. What value does this book hold in the long run? Is its purpose to remind us of "the good ol' days" that have long since past or the memories that we long to forget.

I look at these signatures of fabricated friendship and falsified warmth and concern and wonder why all of this mattered? Was there even a point to half of these friendships, these relationships of worthlessness? There wasn't. They served their purpose during the time they were needed and then they faded. They met some sort of divide from this side or that side and it was over. Almost meaninglessly so.

It's a point of emptiness I'd like to address. A point that I've tried to let reject, but have learned to embrace instead. It's a point on a power rooted in choice. It is voiced and voiceless. Powerful, nonetheless.

Goodbye.

A common closing becoming a permanent bidding to the end. The only word that flashes feverishly in my head when I see this book, sort through the pages, and close it again--wishing it were the last time. But it won't be. The emotions fused in the pages still bleed fully, wholly unto me whenever I see them.

But this time, I realize, it's time to let all of that go. Not to start a new, not to renew forgeries now forgotten.

No.

Rather, time to say goodbye to the past instead of holding onto it as a goodbye. To remember the past in terms of what was and not the connotations attached to it. To grow up, move on, and live in the now.

The fragments will fade and the core, remain. Shifting to something, even the slightest, positive away from the pain.

He paused to take in the air around him, not knowing if it would be the last breath he would take before the plunge. It was times like this that concerned him most, times of pressure and constraint. Times he felt he had little or no control over, regardless of his previous actions to appear or, preferably, be ready. The ripples of each pebble cast seemed to intersect with one another until they overlapped without a sign of division.

At the moment, such was not the situation, but with every breath he inhaled he felt the tremors of its onset. Each pebble had been cast in its own way, and with each an word of action or promise that, by all means, had to be fulfilled for his sake or the sake of those he cared for. And still he wondered if he was too concerned or perhaps, not concerned enough. To him, the line between the two was starting to look more ambiguous by the second. Without some sort of control, he would have to solve the ripple effects of all while trying to balance everything else out. Balance was one element he could manipulate as if to juggle, but usually with some dangerous outcome. That fact alone worried him and he pondered how he could solve for everything and manage to avoid the danger.

He couldn't. The fact that he said he would, that he committed himself to these actions and promises meant that he had to do them. He could just as easily let them go, but with that accrued certain irreversible scars on his character. Scars he need not bare because he knew he was fully capable of fulfilling the actions behind them.

Taking another breath, he realized that if he managed to remain calculated and collected in his actions that balance he wished to keep could easily be maintained still.

Looking back at last night's late post, it's clear that I had a severe case of EMO-ness.

While I am feeling better than I was yesterday, I cannot say that I've released myself of the entanglement. I can't right now, and I probably won't be able to for a while. The knife I'll need to cut myself free isn't within reach, and even if I could get it, it would still be a struggle in itself to cut the ropes with my hands tied.

So, until I'm able to cut the ropes, I'm going to continue on like this. I'm trying to be positive, but the ropes are still attached. In time, perhaps, I'll be able to cut myself free of them; or continue to carry them until I can't feel anymore.

Break time can be a blessing or a curse. I'm not sure what it is in my case. Every time I have break I begin to feel more relieved and, while I do work, I work steadily and relax at the same time. When I don't have break I'm following this schedule of my life and I'm working in pace as best as I can so as not to drown in the constant stream of things. However, when the two are combined, usually from break time back to normal schedule, it's like being thrown back at sea with an anchor tied to my hands and ankles. I initally sink until I find a way to release the anchor or learn how to drag it as best as I can.

The anchor is my burden, it's all these issues that I can't seem to get over. They start small, building in time until they eventually become more than I can handle...and then I begin to sink. Not gradually, mind you. When I sink, I sink rapidly, heavily. Sometimes I try to break free of the ropes. Blistered, broken, bleeding, but to no avail. The darkness surrounds me as I try to kick up to keep up, but soon my lungs feel as if they are about to explode. I begin to feel dizzy, tired. I can't focus. I know I shouldn't breathe or else I'll surely die, but my body tells me it's the only thing I can do. Fighting with every thought I have, with what little strength I have in me, I hold my breathe until I can't feel anymore...

and I'm gone.

I know it's all a mental game. It's all in how I see it, how I feel it, and how I let it take control.

It's powerful because it's evasive, but it always manages to find a way to throw me off guard and toss me back in the water. These thoughts. These feelings. The ropes that find me and bind me.

If only I could let go...

Perhaps this (as in all of these thoughts and feelings) is why I want to set sail to a new course next year. Yet, I know that running away is not the answer. I need to figure out how to confront these thoughts that I fear and somehow sink them before they really sink me.

The blog looks different, you say. Yes, well, that's because I'm working on a new template. It's got a kewl theme :D I r t3h smart!

Why is it a blogger template right now? If you recall, blogger updated to a new version, and with that new version came new coding items that I was unable to implement into my blog with it's "archaic" coding. So, I needed to change the old template to one of bloggers templates to see how they coded the new stuff in so I could use it in my new template that will be up soon enough. Besides, you were probably getting tired of the minimalistic EMO look anyway. If not, well, get over it.

The new template will be up soon and I'm not giving any hints on what it is, except to say that I am a genius.

I love Fridays! Friday's are usually great, but they're even better when you don't have any classes. Thank God for good scheduling! :D HAHA!

Today I rearannged my bedroom in the apartment. I de-lofted my bed by myself with a rachet, moved the dresser and desk around, put my bed back together and then cleaned. It sounds really easy and simple, but it really wasn't. I did all of it by myself without ANY help. I didn't really want help either. I think I have a complex about help. If I feel I can do it all by myself then I won't ask for help or, sometimes, when I'm stubborn, I'll carry the burden of trying to figure things out on my own without asking for help. Today was one of those days where I knew I could do it without help, so I did it. It all worked out :D My bedroom is more spacious and flowing. Plus, I don't have to worry about hitting my back on the wall when I crawl into bed becuase my matress is no longer a foot from the celiing!

After all that hard work I really wanted something to drink *wink, wink*. Now, if only I was 21 and could stock my personal fridge like that. HAHAHA! *sigh* Guess I'll have to wait a year and half to wait before that can happen...legally.

Last Tuesday my Anthropology teacher brought a concept to my attention: the usage of cell phones to pass the time as a substitute for actual intellectual thinking.

I started to think about how many times I was one of those people he talked about, walking down the quad talking on my cell phone to someone just to pass the time. While I can count the number of times this semester (only because it just started), I can't even begin to count the nubmer of times I was one of those people on my phone while walking down the quad.

So, I decided to experiment. Sure, it's simple. Turn off the cell phone and deal with it, right?

Well, that seems to be the case so far. The last person I talked to on my cell phone before I shut it off was Caryn, who claims to have an addiction to her cellphone. I, however, know I'm not that crazy about my cell phone. When I think about my cell phone usage, I usually use it out of convienece. I have it on me for people to get a hold of me for whatever reason and for me to do the same. There are the occassional conversations with Caryn that really don't fulfill a real purpose outside of chatting and cheering up one another. That's another story in itself though.

Day OneAs far as I can tell, no one really misses me not having a number to be reached at readily. Wtih that said, I feel a little more liberated, like I'm not tied down to a certain scedule of events that center around my cell phone. Moreover, I enjoy the extra pocket space and not having to worry about turning it on silent during classes. The constant slew of voice and text messages aren't an issue when you don't have hear or see the phone ring. It's like it fades from your mind.

When I was walking down the quad I wasn't really thinking about anything but classes and how I needed to get a cup of coffee. My phone wasn't even a thought in my mind. Though, it was funny to see an almost closely-knit row of six or seven people each with cell phone at ear chatting away. I began to wonder: Are we that dependent on communication from other people? Or, are we just too bored to deal with what's going on around us? Do we use our cell phones as an evasive device or a device for communication?

From my personal experience, I can say that I use it for both. I've used my cell phone evasivly to avoid the fanatic religious zelots and election crazed gurus that flood the quad throughout the year. Yet, I also use it to keep in touch with people that obviously aren't here. I use it to synchronize meeting times and places with people here, as well as a multitude of other things. Still, I wonder why most of us feel we need to have our cell phones on us at all times? Is it really that big of a necessity?

As far as I can tell, this is just a simple experiment to see how turning off my cell phone affects my network of friends by disabling one source of communication with others. So far I don't see any visible advantages or disadvantages, but I still have six more days to go.

Being the caffeine freak I usually am, it was somewhat shocking to have actually uttered "decaf" during our weekly coffee chats. Things have changed though. The start of a new year and the obvious directions each one of us has taken is clearly reflected in our weekly meetings both in the late evening hour we chose to have it and with the absence of Heather.

With coffee cup in hand, we sat across from each other at a small table in the corner of the coffeehouse. Usually we'd all be joking about something at this time, but it wasn't like that. It was calm, pensive. Unusual. Instead, we started with talking about being back, the beginning of another year, and the events that happened this summer. Stephanie then went on to talk about her current job as an RA in the dorms on campus. While she conveyed her natural positive attitude about her work, it was clear to see that she was worn by the first week of having to put up with what all it entailed. Perhaps, as she noted, being an RA was a bit more than she planned for. From cleaning and furnish the new apartments to helping the newbies move in to having to deal with the disruptive freshmen that don't know campus life, Stephanie surmised that it was going to be an interesting year. I couldn't agree more.

Being back at college, as I noted, in general, was more than I imagined. Perhaps because I imagined things being different when I got back. Things being more structured to my wants. I wanted not to have to see certain people again, to be able to move on from last year. However, as I've learned, one should not expect things to be so perfect, so tailored. Not that expectations should be low, but rather, one should not expect their expectations to be fulfilled so easily. As I realized in Anthropology class on Tuesday night: "Life, along with education, is about adjustment."

Apparently I'm still learning. Adjusting to the apartment has been interesting, as I told Stephanie. It's obviously not like the dorms last year. There is more sharing, more cleaning, more of everything to do...and sometimes, some people don't do much of it.

But that's part of adjustment, I guess. I'm trying to deal with. In the same regard, Stephanie is trying to adjust to the other aspects of being an RA. She detailed the difficulty in trying to maintain a level of authority while still trying to be the residents friend and person of trust. So far it hasn't been difficult, but she has her worries about some of the people on the floor. Not to mention the incredible balance of maintaining her course schedule and her RA schedule. I don't think I could do it, and that alone is probably why I will never do it. That's too much adjustment for me. Some, however, like Stephanie are more suited for the task. While she may be having some bitter tumultous times right now, I'm sure she'll be fine once the first two weeks are down and done with.

I'm not sure about Stephanie, but between sipping my latte, relaxing, and escaping I realized that in adjusting and readjusting we find a new tailored image on what we want and what we've seen. That image, for me, isn't very clear yet; but, at least, for those few relaxing moments it didn't matter.

Surprisingly having slept past noon this whole weekend I managed to get a lot done. While I don't consider myself a procrastinator, I must admit that I did wait a long time to get the GBP page finished. As I mentioned before, a lot of the slow movement on the page was due to the numerous e-mail requests for what to put on the page, how it was going, and what everyone else wanted. Now, as some of you may recall, I don't like being told what to do over and over again, especially when it's my project and I know I'll get it done. Needless to say, I ignored most of their requests and did my own thing. I think it turned out well, don't you? That's only part of it too. The only problem I've had with it is the making of a form/.cgi for the Service Project Forms. Heh! I guess if that doesn't work I'll put it on a word document and that'll be that. Simplistic and minimalistic, just the way I like it.

In the realm of Debate, pending Lacey's editing, I think my POI is good to go finally. I spent about an hour moving things around and figuring out what sounded best in the (hopefully) best locations thanks to Lacey's suggestions (Thanks for everything! Seriously, THANK YOU!). Now I'm just trying to finish up my Inform so I can get it and the POI to Marty before I head out to Ohio. Obviously I don't plan on doing any debate stuff while I'm there except, maybe, read a book or magazine.

As for my last couple of days here...
I work on Tuesday and Wednesday as the final closing to my eventful time with OU. Again, I have to say that working with OU this summer has been the most fun, if not, best job I've had so far. Plus, I finally had a good boss who was very planned, generous, and funny. She even wrote me a great recommendation letter, which is more than I can say for the douchebag of a boss I had last summer (Sgt. Baber). I really got lucky this summer! :)
Wednesday afternoon and all Thursday are clean-up days. I get to clean up not one, not two; but THREE ROOMS of my house! The room my brother took over, the room I ended up moving into (the guest room) and the bathroom (because Brandon never cleans it). I can't wait...seriously.
Friday is, hopefully, a free day to send packages back to Idaho and take care of last minute business before I leave Germany to include: buying my pinstripe suit, dropping a gift off at the OU office, getting snacks for the plane, packing my bags, etc.
Then, when Saturday rolls around, I'll be ready to go to the airport and fly out to Ohio (passed out on the plane for most of the time). I'll chill with my best bud, Caryn, for a few days in a funny named town AND get to go to PKI. Then when the 18th rolls around I'll be on my way to Idaho for the beginning of another eventful school year. I can't wait for Ohio and Idaho!! :D

Though, now that I think about it, I don't want to leave home-home. I guess it's the fact that home-home is so far away from home in Idaho. It's almost as if it is a permanent away. While I do enjoy the break from my family, I don't enjoy not being able to see them as often as everyone else gets to see their parents. Though, I guess it's just the way of things. I knew I'd be away from my parents when I picked my college, but I didn't realize it was really that far away. Plus, I thought my parents would be moving back after my freshman year, but that's not happening anymore. As far as I can tell, they plan on moving back around my senior year or later. On the upside, the weekends; conversations; useless chit-chat; fights; bickering; barking; homecooked meals; dine-out meals; hugs and kisses missed at home-home always end up feeling warmer and fuller when I come back for Christmas. That makes up for not being close by, almost. ;)

POST SCRIPT: KILL BILL VOLUME TWO COMES OUT TOMORROW!!! REJOICE! Now I'll own the set and have the posters up in my room to rave about it. XD (A little overKILL, I think.)

POST POST SCRIPT: At this time last year I was on my way back to Idaho and ended up staying a night in Atlanta. I made it to Boise on the 10th and stayed with Steven until the 19th. The only difference this year, obviously, is that I'm taking a little stop in Ohio and coming back to Idaho to stay with Lacey. (Oh, and, NO RACOONS!) MUHAHAHAHA ! XD

Well, my inform is well underway now. Hopefully this topic will prove to be worth my time and effort. I doubt anyone else will have it, but then again, someone on my team had my topic last semester at the fault of Marty. Not that it really mattered last semester. After all, that speech sucked. The topic was good, but the speech I wrote was horrible.

Still, I'm starting to wonder if I should've e-mailed Marty about my topic again. I know I should e-mail him to keep him up to date, but lately his lack of response has been annoying me. It reminds me of last semester when I e-mailed him my speech topics and later my speeches and asked him to read through and edit them as he saw fit and he never said or did anything about them.

It wouldn't annoy me so much except that during my exit meeting at the end of last semester he told me to e-mail him and the other coaches to keep them updated because I'm so far away and that "they'd respond."

Aside from Erin, no one has responded. I must note that Lacey has, but she's not a coach. (I'm thankful for both of them, though) ;)

Which is starting to make me question Marty's little speech about "each member is only as good as the rest of the team." If that were the case, wouldn't the coaching staff be more willing to help and respond to the students? I'm not sure. I'm not certain, but it's almost like I have to prove myself before he'll even respond to my e-mails. It's starting to remind me of high school debate with Mrs. Hooley. Ugh. I can't bother but think about how annoying her class was every time I see her, hear her name, or think about her. She only liked students after they won their first trophy, students the rest of us aptly named "Trophy Bitches." I'm starting to wonder if Marty follows the same policy...

*SIGH* Maybe I shouldn't bog myself down so much by thinking about this extraneous stuff. However, I can't help but think that this isn't extraneous. It means something to me. Yet, at the same time, it's been taking its toll on me too. Lately I've been thinking about that stupid tournament in Seattle. It was just a tournament, but it keeps coming back into my mind. I've been having this recurring dream about it too. It's similar to the same one I had weeks after that tournament, but it is set in the present when I return to Idaho. It's the same feeling, words, situation, everything. In my dream I feel hopeless with ferocity to prove, but as the dreams reoccur, the ferocity seems to fade. It's strange too, it's almost like my body's being taken over by something else. I honestly don't know. It is just a dream, but it is weird that it's been coming back as of last week and hasn't gone away.

I don't know.

I guess I should continue what I'm doing and see what happens when I get back. Continuously reminding myself the reason I'm still doing this...

Post Script: On the upside, I finally got paid!! A nice big check for $810, with 64 dollars cut for taxes (I needed that extra money too, Bastards!). Will be depositing it shortly and going about the business I planned to do a while ago.

So, OU decided to send me the check with my money instead of direct deposit. Why? I don't know. Personally it really pisses me off that they made me fill out a direct deposit slip and give them a voided check only to have them do the opposite by sending me checks that I have to cash. Normally I wouldn't complain. Money is money, after all. However, since I'm only here for three more weeks, it angers me because I'm probably going to miss getting my last two pay checks since I'll be back in the states.

Why is that a problem? Well, I don't have an account with a bank in the state of Idaho. All of my banking is done out of state. Usually this isn't a problem, except when I have to cash checks. Since the checks are usually sent to my "permanent address" here in Germany, my Dad has to send them to me at college for me to sign them. Then, I have to send them back to him so he can then take them to the bank where they will be cashed. Needless to say, I won't be getting about a fifth of my money until September. Thanks for helping me out OU! Really, I couldn't be happier.

On that note, it is my last week of work with OU. Not out of anger for not getting paid yet, but rather, for break, my trip to Dayton, and then back to college. A grand total of eight weeks of work with OU. It's been fun, even though they've taken forever to pay me. I now have a new found respect for college administrations in general, especially the people that have to work with ignorant, retarded, asshole students. I know I'm not in that league, save maybe naive about certain aspects of student financials and housing placement. Though, I do have to note that some college administrations can be evil as well. I attribute this to stress though. It's not for lack of trying, they do enough helping the students who don't seem to get it. At least now I can say I've seen the from both sides, and now, hopefully, know how to tread it properly.

While reading the news online recently, I noticed that some of the usual online ads I inevitably subscribe to were different. Sure, there were still the annoying ones talking about delivery services, flowers, and food, but while looking at an article on the new Iran/9-11 links being discussed in the news, I found this ad for John Kerry and John Edwards.

While I applaud their business-like approach similar to that of Senator Dean during the nomination process, I've come to the conclusion that I'd prefer not to be bombarded by ads about funding an already million-billion dollar institute that seems to have the media on its side. With the release of Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11" and the mass press coverage on the Abu Ghrabi prison abuse scandal, 9-11 Commission Documents, and numerous Hollywood stars proclaiming "get rid of Bush," I can't help but think that the press, at least the vast majority of it, is in it for Kerry and Edwards.

But before I go on, I must clarify and concede to a few things: First, I acknowledge there are certain media outlets that are entirely pro-republican (i.e. Rush Limbaugh's EIB network, etc.). Second, I concede that Bush isn't the best president we've had given light of information pre-9/11. Finally, I note that there are certain celebrities that are for Bush.

With that said, I've recently come to the conclusion that I don't like the media coverage and bias over the past months. Granted, every media source has a bias, inevitably, but some don't display it as blatantly as others. Recently, it seems to me, we've been exposed to everything in terms of "how the media feels about the issues" and not the whole picture. It's like there's some sort of distorting between what the whole picture is and what is being presented to masses. Obviously I don't think it's fair. I thought the basis of journalism was to show the whole picture as clarified as possible, but obviously not.

Perhaps, though, the media isn't entirely to blame. From what I've seen in Europe and read in the papers and online, I think part of it has to do with how the rest of the world feels about Bush as well. Almost everywhere you go in Germany, for example, you can find numerous anti-Bush posters. The same sentiment is reflected across Europe in other countries. When my brother went down to Greece he noted that numerous Greeks, once they found out he was American, talked to him about how much they "hated Bush and were hoping for Kerry to win." They also talked about Olympic security and how it will be "stronger than any other nation's". I guess we'll see about that. Moreover, it is believed that many countries are withholding diplomatic/democratic action until after November, just to see what happens (Read more here: Europe's Big Bet on a Bush 'Regime Change'

Given that, though, I suppose it's no surprise American media is reflecting world opinion--even though it's still at a bias too.

I guess what I'm most concerned with is not so much who wins the election, but rather, the means at which they got there. It just seems like a lot of mud slinging to me and I don't like the dirt that's become politics of America.

After three hours of editing the unfilled contact list of the GBP president account, I'm seriously considering quitting the organization. I've never seen such an unorganized organization in all my life. I thought NHS in HS was bad, but this organization takes the cake on that one. Needless to say, I filed all the contacts I could under three options: Current Members, Graduates/Alumni, and Leadership. However, since the previous secretary/whoever didn't put in the year of graduation for the previous members, I can't tell where to file over half of our membership. So, I filed what I could, sent the requested list to the president of GBP. (I still think he doesn't know what he's doing.) Requested that both the president and the former secretary/president/whoever look at the list and verify where the certain members should be placed according to their status. That might be too hard for them to do though, we'll see.

Other than GBP, I haven't done much else except play SH on the PS2 all weekend. I believe I'm 2/3 of the way through the game, but I'm not sure. I'm not using a walktrhough, so I don't know like I usually do. Ha! XD I racked up 27 hour on it though. LOL! That's crazy, but good fun. I haven't had a good break like that in a while and now I'm more eager to get back to debate and finish my POI and Inform. I still think blogger would make an excellent inform if I could spin it on a media angle. Still, no feedback from the people it matters from though. Dare I keep fishing for a topic and drown? I guess I need to do that.

Well, back to PKIs, POI, and fishing. If you don't hear anything, then I've most certainly drowned. X_X

*Line taken from Kill Bill Vol. 1: "This is what you get for fucking around with the Yokusa!"

I just found a really good piece to replace "Hunter" for my POI, and Erin approves! Google and NPR are golden! Now, all I have to do is put it all together and I can get started on my favorite event: Informative Speech.

Yesterday, for the first time since my vacation to Prague, I took a break from debate and reading and decided to play Shadow Hearts, SH. I bought the game off half.com and wasn't expecting to get it for another few weeks, but oddly enough, it arrived in the mail yesterday. Basically from the moment I got it to the moment I went to bed, I was playing the game. It's not that it was that addicting, I just think that it was because I haven't really allowed myself to have a break from debate, reading, and work since my vacation to Prague. I've been trying to keep with these "deadlines" that Marty issues, but since he doesn't e-mail me back about my ideas it's been a bit tedious and difficult to try and guess what he thinks about my work thus far.

Erin, the assistant coach, has helped me so far. She e-mailed me back and said she liked all my research, pieces, and motivational link, except she didn't like my prose piece "Hunter" because it's "stretching to reach [the] point." I guess she's right, it does sort of overstate the obvious message I'm trying to convey. Though, I still want to have it because some judges may be retarded and not understand what I'm trying to convey. (Yes, some judges are stupid. ::Thinks back to Seattle tournament when, during a debate round, a judge cited "liberalism" as her paradigm. Too which I should've replied: That's not a fucking paradigm, it's a bias in debate you stupid bitch!:: Yes, indeed.) However, if Erin doesn't think it fits well enough, I'll scrap it and find something else if I can. I was hoping to get it finished this weekend and get started on my informative speech, but that might not happen now. Heck, I'm not even sure what I'm doing in that department without some feedback from Marty. Maybe I should just ask Jeff? At least he responds to e-mails.

I don't know. I'm not really worried too much, I just wish I had the oil to get the cogs turning better. Playing SH yesterday allowed me to relax and not have to worry about debate for a day. I wasn't doing PKIs, focusing on my POI, or topic searching. I was just relaxing and enjoying myself. Shadow Hearts itself is intriguing: it's a basic RPG similar to Final Fantasy, throw in a fictional story about Japan after World War I, and a fighting style similar to Legend of Dragoon, but with a circle/wheel. The main male protagonist is Yuri, a non-human who can turn into spirits through a soul and he happens to be a bit psycho in the head. He's kewl though. The main female protagonist is Alice Elliot, an innocent, but naively powerful young woman who's the center of the story. Then there are some extra characters who I renamed: an Oracle who I named Akira, and a Russian Spy who I named Lacey. Original, huh? Anyway, for the gamer nerds that read my blog, I highly recommend this game. It's got a fairly original story and excellent gameplay. I love getting new souls/spirits and fighting the malice. The graphics aren't too bad either. ;)

I can't wait to go home and play it. I have to promise myself not to go too crazy on it tonight though. We're having my favorite salad, the 7-layer salad, for dinner tonight. Plus, I do need to get back to doing debate...even if I'm not sure where to go for another prose for my POI or what exactly I'm doing for my Inform, and if I'm even going to do a fourth speech. The joy that is debate. 5 more weeks, right?

However, it will require more work. 26 pictures from Prague are posted. I have many more pictures to post and will be posting more soon. You'll see notification on the blog when I have updated the pictures. Czech them out!

Holy shit! Get this, the president of GBP wants me to make a list of the near 300 members and their e-mails so he can e-mail everyone and get a summer thing set up for them. Now, while I commend his effort, I have to say that I'm a little pissed that he wants me to file through those damn cards and put down all of this information. I suppose, though, it is my job to do so. Still, the fact that I have to do it because no one has compiled a list of members before is BULLSHIT! Honestly, who the heck was running GBP before? Did they not know how to organize a list of the members, e-mail them, plan volunteering activities. I know the last part, volunteering, can be hard to get people to do;however, organizing a list of members' names and their e-mails. That's something anyone can do unless they're STUPID.

With that said, I've come to the following conclusions:

GBP was originally run by morons on my campus

Apparently none of the members currently on the "high council" (and I don't mean HIGH ;) ) have ever tried to manage a large group of people before

The officer's ideas for the webpage are antiquated and weak and, quite frankly, not plausible

I'm tired of dealing with the officers (and I am one)

I don't want to deal with GBP next year if I have to keep up with this.

I guess what's worse off, so to speak, is that the president wants everyone to have an account like gbpprez@..., gbpveep@..., gbpsect@..., gbpweb@..., and so on. The thing is, I was originally going to get a google g-mail account for the GBP president, but now, I think he thinks I can just get all of the accounts for him for free. Grrgh! Does no one read my e-mails??? I swear to God, no one reads them!

[/end rant]

The pictures will be up eventually, as in, when I don't have to deal with GBP.

I'm working on the Prague pictures. I'm turning it into a webpage linked off of here since I can't turn it into a post because it starts to screw up. It will be up soon! I've just been busy masterdebating, e-mailing, awaiting e-mails, and working on other things like Lacey's anime drawings (and since I'm not as talented as Hans, it takes me a while to get the pictures looking good).

Guess what everybody? I got my first "crazies" on hotornot.com. HAHAH! Here's the two I got, check them out:

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Calm, collected, and cunning grad student with a yearning for learning, itinerantly flowing without ever knowing where I am going. Working on his Ph.D.; recently received an M.A. degree. Garrulous, gregarious, jocular and hilarious. Erudite but often staying up way past midnight. Driven, knowing everything will be alright. The exception to the rule; a research tool(!). Never afraid to speak, often sleek, rarely weak, but always an unashamed communication geek.