EA Executive Realises What He’s Doing, Goes Mad

Disclaimer: This is a satire piece. It’s not real, but instead imagine we lived in a world where it was.

We all know that EA are the shadiest gaming company ever to walk to Earth with questionable business practices everywhere and truly evil decisions being made around every corner. They have downscaled on the evil in recent months with the removal of Online Passes and trying to make an offline mode for SimCity. If you think that this was all just coincidence, then you are wrong. It’s actually the events of a senior EA employee by the name of Bruce Fister suddenly having an epiphany and realising all the evil that he has done to the world of gaming and subsequently went mad.

Bruce was the man responsible for putting microtransactions into Dead Space 3, issuing Online Passes for games that don’t even have online modes and, worst of all, forced people to install games through Origin. He wasn’t always like this, however, because he was once a bright eyed business graduate with an eye for business strategy. His wife also fondly remembers a man that was caring and went out of his way to help other people, but as his career went along he became more and more distant and she even states that she thinks he grew horns at one point.

Mr. Fister went to work one day with the idea to charge people subscription fees to own a singleplayer game when he saw a little boy standing outside a GameStop window, wishing he could afford all the latest games. He saw himself in the little boy and not in the pedophile sort of way. He remembered a time when he scratched around his parents couch to find change to be able to afford the latest NES game. At that moment he dropped his briefcase and started screaming “What have I done?!”. Some semblance of a soul started showing in this troubled man.

In the days that followed, he would rock back and forth in his office chair slowly whispering “the microtransactions weren’t needed the microtransactions weren’t needed” over and over to himself. He regained some lucidity during this time and then made the decision to stop using Online Passes. After the decision was finalized he ripped off his business suit and pissed himself. For the duration of the day he was in the corner, sucking his thumb and whispering “Origin is a plague Origin is a plague” over and over again.

The other employees in the EA headquarters didn’t pay much attention to him because they were too busy sacrificing cats and having Satanic sex orgies. One employee went up to Mr. Fister to see what was the matter, but he soon gave up and threw him with $100 bills to calm him down. While he was in the corner he cut himself and wrote in blood that SimCity should have an offline mode and with this being EA’s method of handing out memos, it was soon done.

These days Mr. Fister is in a mental hospital rocking back and forth as he usually does and whispering all the travesties that he has done. His wife went on to marry someone from CD Projekt Red and hopes that the same won’t happen with her new Polish husband. EA might become a decent company again after these few changes and the crown of gaming’s Satan has since been fittingly given to King and their stupid candy games that exploit children and stupid teenagers.

EA (Electronic fArts), the worse game company in the world! EA who swiped a perfectly great on-line Gamehouse Scrabble Worldwide off our screens in one foul swoop, along with all our friends & contacts around the world – and replaced it by some crap childish version called Mattel Scrabble! Never to be forgiven or forgotten! Shame on all of you working for Electronic fArts!!!