'I Changed My Perspective And Fell In Love With A New Type Of Man'

We all have an ocean we swim in. Our ‘type’ of man or woman … the partner we are expected to hook up with. Although I’ve always been quite open-minded in my choices, my ocean always consisted of the same kinds of men. The peacock alpha male in the room. He’s usually tall, dark, muscular and nearly always emotionally unavailable or polyamorous (which is a polite way of saying a player). He’s not into the idea of taking on a kid, he’s hot then cold, he’s overseas or he’s just there on the side. He’s into my body, but less so my brain and passions. I knew my ocean, I knew these men well. It was eerily familiar and I swam in it most of my life. Until now.

I have noticed a trend, whether it’s on dating shows, overhearing singles chatting or trolling through online dating profiles, in the way we describe what we aspire to have in a relationship or partner. Words which primarily describe one’s physicality tend to dominate and in other words, such as ‘fun’, ‘sense of humour’ or ‘adventurous’ we see only a glimpse of our true drivers. Could the lack of depth in what we are searching for, and additionally, what we are putting out there, be setting us up for doomed relationships? While enjoying the single life and all the colour it brought, I had a huge epiphany regarding my relationships. They weren’t working out. Ooph.

So I decided to do some deep diving into myself, starting with my values: the inbuilt, cannot-do-life-without drivers of decision making and relationships.. After going through a process where I actually articulated my top three values (being true to myself, passion and empathy), I quickly realised why my previous marriage was always doomed to fail, no matter how much we loved each other at the start. Our core values were completely misaligned and also, I wasn’t living in accordance with my own, hence why I was so deeply unhappy and unfulfilled. Since showing up and being truly visible to myself, I started to see values in everything: work, family, friends … and love. I started to understand why I don’t get along with certain people over others. Why jobs in the past weren’t satisfying. And, as a single woman, I took a step back to reevaluate the ocean of men I was swimming in. Maybe, if I started living according to my true values, the right man would see me for me.

Just when I least expected it (cue eye roll), with my legs unshaven, dirty hair, having a Sunday sesh with my fellow ex-Gogglebox couchmate Yvie Jones, she introduced me to a man: someone who has stirred up any bloody ocean I thought was satisfyingly deep, warm or safe. When we met, I didn’t run to the bathroom to powder my face or put forward my best ‘Isabelle’ during the course of the night. No, this was different. I instantly felt comfortable. As Yvie left my place in the morning after a debrief, she said, “Will you see him again?” I said, “I don’t know … He’s not my usual type.” I will never forget her reply: “Maybe that's the exact reason you should.”

This man is an entirely new species to me. I actually didn’t think they even existed. He’s open and honest, unapologetically himself and has emotional intelligence like no other. His heart is kind: the kindness that goes beyond one’s self and one’s own tribe. This man cares for others, the most vulnerable people in our community. The key thing we have in common? He lives and breathes his core values every day. We have major chemistry, but even though we are physically attracted to each other like magnets, it's his heart and brain that do what a chiseled jaw and a six pack used to do to me: make me melt.

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The last few months have been filled with drawn-out dates consisting of hours of deep conversation, dancing, laughter, tears and sex with no inhibitions. Nights where we go out and in a room full of people the only people who exist are him and me. Drunken Uber rides home through Maccas while asking our deaf driver Ron to pump up love songs on the radio. We’ve had many hilarious rides home but this one was special, because I realised my man was communicating with Ron in sign language, telling him how he was falling in love with me.

He holds my hair when I spew. He holds me up when I’m post-operation. He holds my dog while she’s dying and I can’t be there. He holds his own in a room. I can count on him.

As amazing as this all was, it absolutely terrified me. I was sceptical. I’m fiercely protective of the life I’ve built for myself over the last few years, having reconstructed myself after ending my marriage. Though this seemed to be what I’d always wanted, why didn’t it feel right? It was uncomfortable. I had an urge to run back to ‘Mr No-Strings-Attached,’ where it was safe, low-risk and uncomplicated. Back into the ocean I knew.

So with it all going swimmingly well (see what I did there), in order to cure my feeling of unease, I did what so many of us do: reverted back to bad old habits. I went on the hunt for my old type. I tried to find all the reasons for it not to work and to hang on to them like a life jacket. This seemed reasonable at the time. He wasn’t tall enough, articulate enough, worldly enough, but I noticed people around me calling me out on my pitiful attempt to self sabotage. ‘You’re happy Isabelle. Own it. Accept it.’

I got jolted back pretty hard by the mirror that was put up to my face and I realised that things with my man felt uncomfortable because they were actually working. Working is not something I’m used to. Feeling deeply loved and at ease with someone is very unfamiliar. So the choice I faced was to devalue myself, stick to the patterns I’ve always followed or chuck away the life jacket and swim.

I’ve decided to swim. These waters are unknown and feel deep and uncertain at times, but I’m undeniably happy in love. I’m ready to see where the current takes us.

Gogglebox Season 10 premieres Wednesday, August 14 at 7.30pm on Lifestyle, Thursday, August 15 at 8.30pm on Channel 10