Bengals Statistics

Browns Statistics

Similar versions of that sentence appeared on Jan. 7, 2009 (Eric Mangini). And again on Jan. 13,
2011 (Pat Shurmur). And again on Jan. 10, 2013 (Rob Chudzinski).

The latest victim, er, coach is Mike Pettine, who, when hired on Thursday, became the fifth
Browns coach since 2008. Perspective: No other AFC North team has made
any head-coaching changes during that stretch. Dating to the team’s return in 1999, the
Browns have married eight coaches, divorcing seven of them, making them the Mickey Rooney of the
NFL.

I’m not saying Pettine won’t work out, but history is a great teacher, and its tendency has been
to treat Cleveland the way a grade-school nun might discipline unruly boys. The Browns seem more
unmanaged than unmanageable, but they still deserve a ruler to the knuckles for the way they have
conducted their hiring business, pretty much from the time they returned to the league.

Will Pettine make the front office look smart? For the sake of long-suffering Browns fans, let’s
hope so. But he’s the third consecutive Cleveland coach to have zero NFL head-coaching
experience.

However, listening to his introductory news conference, it sounded like the former high-school
coach could have the right stuff to take the Browns to — no, not the top, come on now — but to
their first nonlosing season since 2007.

Unfortunately, sound is cheap, especially when coming from the Browns’ bosses, who make every
new hire sound like Lombardi (Vince, not current general manager Mike).

When working solely from the introductory news conferences, one would be hard-pressed to
differentiate one Browns hire from another.

For instance:

“In the background checks we did with some really well-known, well-respected head coaches and
coordinators, the response was, ‘There is no doubt (blank) can control the room…and lead the team.’ We had zero doubt about that.”

Answer: Browns owner Jimmy Haslam talking about Chudzinski, who was fired in December for
failing to show an ability to lead the team.

“(Blank) is a bright young man who grew up in football and around the coaching profession. I came
away from our interview very impressed with him as a person, his extensive knowledge of the game
and his track record of success as an assistant coach in this league.”

Answer: Former Browns president Mike Holmgren, praising Shurmur, whose track record of success
as an assistant coach could not save him from getting fired after the 2012 season.

“He’s very smart. He’s aggressive. He’s innovative. He’s going to be very demanding. He’s going
to set high standards for our organization.”

Answer: Haslam lauding Pettine, who needs to set high standards or face a front office that
demands he aggressively pack his bags.

Has management failed to recognize fatal faults with coaches? Or maybe coaches aren’t the issue.
Look closely and you can see Haslam beginning to resemble a Jerry Jones-lite, a version of the
twangy hand’s-on owner of the Dallas Cowboys whose meddling has turned America’s Team into Jerry’s
Team.

Chudzinski didn’t last a year. Don’t think the owner didn’t help facilitate that move. Such a
quick hook has turned the organization toxic, despite management’s claims to the contrary. Pettine’s
hiring ended a 25-day search-and-rescue mission in which candidates emerged, disappeared and
recircled. Eventually, Pettine was selected, though not as Haslam’s first choice.

Maybe the 47-year-old, no-nonsense coach — nicknamed BFT for Blunt Force Trauma — will be the
answer. Winning does run in the family. Pettine’s father, Mike Sr., retired from Central Bucks West
High School as the winningest coach (327-42-4) in Pennsylvania high-school history, including a 5-0
record against his son.

It’s a wonder the Browns didn’t hire the old man instead. But there’s always next year.