Stop moaning to your mates when you go to visit about how the talent at your uni is so much better, and prove it once and four all.

In four heats and a final, we’ll definitively rank the fittest uni and leave the others in the dust. It’s like voting in the General Election but more exciting and probably with more Tories. Choose wisely.

Plymouth

Let’s be honest, Plymouth probably wasn’t our first choice, but what we lack in UCAS points, we more than make up for when it comes to looking good. Just walk into Oceana and you’re spoilt with all the talent on offer – disregarding the locals, of course. We don’t take ourselves too seriously (obviously, otherwise we’d be at Exeter), but life’s too short for that shit, so it’s better just to look fly and get on with it.

Famous alumni: They don’t have a lot, but they do have the world’s youngest single handed cross-Atlantic sailor Seb Clover.

Alternative rankings say: 2.74 out of five for attractiveness, trailing behind their poly MarJohn who rated themselves a three out of five. Awkward.

Aberystwyth

It’s like being in Australia, all those surfers strolling around in their wetsuits. The wet-look is not one to be underestimated: there’s just something about being near the sea which makes everyone instantly fitter. From the natural sea salt wavy hair on the girls to the pushed back floppy hair on the boys, you can’t help but stroll round the narrow streets and swoon over them all. And they’re so chilled out, so bonus points for not being high maintenance.

Famous alumni: Alex Jones, rugby star John Dawes and four royals including Prince Charles. No biggie.

Alternative rankings say: 2.9 out of five for attractiveness, Aberystwyth students are much happier to admit how disgusting they are. 30 per cent of them admitted to “throwing up or urinating all over someone else’s house and not cleaning it up”. Nice.

Liverpool

Forget Leeds, edgy was born and raised at Uni of. Those scrunchies just walk themselves to Bold Street, and all the MDMA makes everyone a worldie. No one knows how to get down quite like we do here, and there’s nothing sexier than a good gurn to get you going. So what if we don’t fit in with the Scouse prins and their rollers? We have our own individual style and we’re killing it.

Alternative rankings say: A dismal 2.56 on the attractiveness scale, at least Liverpool students are cheerful about their fate. They rated themselves 3.94 out of five for happiness.

John Moores

If Geordie Shore is right up your street, then bag yourself someone who goes to John Moores. Never ones to show up under-dressed, these guys put time and a half into making themselves a 10. The sloppy hipsters from Uni Of are well and truly out ranked here. Maybe it has something to do with all the boys spending so much time in the gym because they study Sports Science, but whatever it is they do, it works. These guys are mighty fine.

Famous alumni: Fittingly, Geordie Shore motormouth Vicky Pattinson went to John Moores, along with English football manager Les Parry.

Alternative rankings say: Modest John Moores students didn’t even rank on the attractiveness scale, but they are lovely nonetheless, rated 3.94 in the nicest universities in the UK poll.

Aberdeen

Universally known as a cold-hearted port city, you wouldn’t think of Aberdeen as a real contender in this challenge. The ruddy faced 17-year-olds you’ll find fist-pumping in the carpeted clubs wearing cream chinos, ties and beer perfume, wielding a potent breath of batter and puke might not immediately steal your heart. But look beyond their repulsive exterior and you’ll see real affection comes from within.

Famous alumni: Aberdeen produces loads of MPs, but most notably fleek-browed Alistair Darling, the epitome of the modern silver fox.

Alternative rankings say: Modest Scots Aberdeen ranked only a 2.62 for attractiveness, and they’re less than okay with it. They also placed a dismal 2.9 for happiness.

Glasgow

It’s hard to pin down a definitive Glasgow hotness type: they’re all very different and fit in their own unique ways. Glasgow’s a sporty uni, so you’ll see the stash-clad Rugby hunks and blonde Lacrosse belles. The Hillhead Book Club hipsters are also, in their own way, quite attractive: floaty trousers for boys and bindis for girls. You could say the West End Wankers let the side down with their insistence on double breasted navy jackets and pleated trousers on nights out: you may even be put off by the reviled Glasgow Uni accent.

But listen to their archetype, the wee bit windy-man and feel a protective instinct surge within you: can you handle the wind and are you the soul mate he’s been searching for?

Twitter legend @VLR said “I’ll vote for any party that promises to deport this wee fanny”

Famous alumni: Hunky highlander Gerard Butler and Rugby Union international John Beattie.

Alternative rankings say: Sadly, their plunged into ugly obscurity by their poly friends at Glasgow Caledonian. They rated a respectable three out of five, compared to uni of’s more sober 2.8.

Durham

The classic Durham fittie has a lot of ways to charm you into their mahogany four-poster: a rower’s arms, a Habsburg’s chin and a Rothschild’s bank account. But the main sexy draw of these unashamedly private schoolkids has to be their extensive wardrobe of inherited accessories. For boys, this means signet rings, pastel trousers, seasonal blazers – and a knowledge of when to wear them. For girls, it’s the hand-me-down pelts of helplessly endangered animals and plunging necklaces to wear at Law society dinners. Fantasise about a steamy fling with one of them, sigh heavily as they make eyes at you at the Hunt Ball. But be warned, a shag with one of these stunners will be followed by pillow talk about which cufflinks to wear at Hugo’s 21st. It’s also his younger brother’s 18th and their dad’s 50th: they’re putting up an Arabian Nights marquee. Bystander’s coming.

Famous alumni: Holier than thou Durham have produced an endless list of Bishops and Archbishops, alongside the slightly more exciting Jeremy Vine and silver fox BBC correspondent David Shukman.

Alternative rankings say: True to form Dulham rank an average 2.63 in beauty, and only 25 per cent of them said they could get drugs within the day if they wanted to. Snore.

Edinburgh

Welcome to Scotland’s capital: the home of exceptionally beautiful people forever posing at Milk Tuesdays and Mansion Wednesdays, not a hair out of place. Striking the balance between those who were too clever for Reading but not socially maladjusted enough for Oxbridge, the Edinburgh fitties obviously deserve the crown. If the New York socialites strutting through New Town don’t win you over, surely Edinburgh’s strong fashion sense will. There’s only Canada Goose and Armstrong’s, but when your garms are that good, who needs anything else? There’s no natural sunshine in Edinburgh — just the smiles of our stunners.

Alternative rankings say: Edinburgh get a decent 2.82 for attractiveness, saving face by at least beating their poor cousins Herriot-Watt, nipping at their heels with 2.71.

Queen’s University Belfast

Your quintessential Belfast beauty will be Holylands through and through. You’ll meet them over some WKD’s, playing King’s in a mouldy sitting room, and before you know it it’s fingering on the dancefloor of Bot Wednesday’s. Your night of passion will be marked, literally, by orange fake tan sheets, smudged eyebrows and oversized GAA hoodies. A Holyland’s bachelor or bachelorette’s eligibility is not measured on which fork they use at dinner or their last name (everything just begins with “Mc” “O” or “Ni” anyway) but how much they curt during freshers week and how often they put their sofa outside their front door.

Famous alumni: QUB gave the world the dulcet tones of Taken babe Liam Neeson, but balanced it out by producing irritating ginger twat extraordinaire Patrick Kielty.

Alternative rankings say: They modestly gave themselves a distinctly boring and average 2.5 for attractiveness, but QUB made up for it by at least being well-behaved. None of them said they would set off the fire alarm in their halls, cute.

LSE

There’s something a bit Louis Theroux about everyone at LSE. Maybe it’s because doomed nerd Ed Miliband went to uni there, but it’s got an air of the geek that’s unusally appealing. Stand outside their library and breathe in the pheromones of lanky, puffy eyed Economists that haven’t slept in days. See how dedicated they are? They could be that dedicated to you. Sure, most of your relationship will be spent silently sitting in with them as they moan over their soul-destroying internship at Goldman Sachs, but that’s just an LSE student’s idea of a romantic night in with cuddling and Netflix. You’ll never match up to their job, or to the culture of their super-exclusive university, but that just gives them an unattainable edge that conventionally attractive unis just lack. Plus their rugby boys aren’t doing much at the minute, they could probably do you instead.

Famous alumni: Apart from their main Milibae appeal, LSE can also boast about having Mick Jagger among their grads. Mick Jagger.

Alternative rankings say: LSE didn’t even bother to include themselves on the attractiveness ranking. They’re concerned with more important things, like being one of the most unhappy universities ranked. Sorry.

Leeds

Look through their club photos and it’s easy to see that Leeds is not only the best night out in the country, but also a cornucopia of beautiful people. Nestled in the North, they’re a gang of privately educated, Southern, floppy haired fitties, but they manage to be less disappointingly bland about it than places like Bristol, Durham or Newcastle. You’ll fall for their vibes and stay up until 4am, chewing each other’s jaws and talking about their inevitable year abroad. Your love will deepen in the romantic setting of candlelit dinners at Get Baked and slow dances at Fruity. You’ll spend your summers in the home counties, where they ditch their wavy garms and sheepishly introduce you to their mummies.

Famous alumni: Leeds dominates the Made in Chelsea cast – Caggie, Jamie and Andy all studied there.

Loughborough

Heard all the hype about Jessica Ennis’ bum? Spend ages salivating over James Haskell’s ridiculous rig? Athletes are the cream of the crop, the kind that people want to be or be with. Where better to feast your eyes of beautifully pieced together limbs of muscle and flesh than at the hub of sporting finesse – and fishbowls. Yes they’re sculpted more perfectly than anything Michaelangelo could’ve managed had he lived another 100 years – but that doesn’t mean they aren’t classic. No matter where you roll your ankle, your Looga bae will carry you home. The competitive streak might cause fights but just think of the breakup sex.

Alternative rankings say: Cheerful Loughborough students are among the happiest in the country. Ignorance is probably bliss as they don’t rank for attractiveness at all.

Nottingham Trent

Like an infectious laugh, or a cold sore that you keep on catching on a sweaty Wednesday night, you can’t help but be drawn to the Trent way of life and their never-ending desire to not give a shit. Embracing it with open arms, you’ll find one night with that lot will change your perceptions of the real world forever. So what if there’s a 24-year-old fresher? He’s probably more experienced. And look at her! She’s wearing a toga, it’s minus three outside, and she’s convincing her mates to give the American Football player dressed as a baby a love bite so he can reach his half century. Their excited attitude that never dies, a bit like when you first had your shoes fitted at Clarks, is the sexiest thing you’ll ever come across. A confidence that whatever they do no one will laugh at them for too long – unless you shoved your daddy’s wallet up your arse.