Random Musings of a Human Becoming

Sunday, November 30, 2008

When my DVD player is left on pause or a menu screen for more than a couple of minutes, the picture disappears and is replaced with a simple screensaver: the logo of the DVD player brand in an oval that slowly moves across the screen, "bounces" off the "side" of the screen, moves off in a new direction, "bounces" again etc.

That is what my mind is like at the moment, and I'm having trouble shaking it long enough to do anything useful, even things that absolutely critically must be done by tomorrow.

The three "sides" are the three options I listed the other day.

Option 1: The principal isn't offered a position elsewhere and retains her position at our school, and I don't get a job elsewhere. This will be HIDEOUS. The woman has it in for me now because she knows that I know that she isn't doing her job properly. The mere thought of it makes me feel sick, and that's without even considering the fact that I'll also still be putting up with this particular set of idiotic parents and ratbag kids as well.

Option 2: The principal gets a job somewhere else and/or is refused the continuation of her job at our school, and I don't manage to get a job elsewhere and am therefore stuck at the school for the time being. This is an unknown quantity. I have no doubt that one of this principal's outgoing acts as principal would be to badmouth everyone who has ever had a negative word to say about her, staff and parents and kids alike (and I will by no means be the only staff member on her hit-list!). However any decent principal would take that kind of thing with a grain of salt and get to know everyone for themselves. So it could be awful or it could be fine. I'd still be stuck with the other issues with this school and this town.

Option 3: I get a job elsewhere and go. I can't get a job anywhere else in the state system (staffing were like "oh well it's better for the school to have stability so we will probably just ignore any application or take away your ability to get permanency if you did move, which you couldn't because we wouldn't move you . . ." - I fail to see how sending staff members crazy because they're in a placement they hate benefits the system!). I'm applying for everything eligible that comes up in the private sector. There's one job at a Montessori school which I want so much it hurts, and I'm just trying not to think about it because I can't afford to get my hopes up. This is obviously my preferred option.

So basically I'm sitting here switching my mind between the three options, going "that is unbearable and likely - that could happen but I don't know when we'll find out - I want this so badly but can't do anything more to help it along". Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Friday, November 28, 2008

In past relationships, one of the major problems I have had is that my lack of assertiveness and self-belief has meant that I failed to put appropriate boundaries in place. And because I didn't have good boundaries I kept winding up with guys who wanted (consciously or unconsciously) a girlfriend whose lack of boundaries meant that they could put all of their problems, and responsibility for their emotions, onto someone else. When I think of the times that S used to get himself so worked up over me "upsetting" him that he'd throw up . . . I should have just told him that it was his problem not mine! I tried to once but I was too scared of a breakup at that point. I know now that if a guy breaks up with you because you're setting appropriate boundaries, you didn't want to be with him anyway.

So, anyway . . . back when S and I broke up, I joined a Facebook group for singles in my area. I think it was more to remind myself that there were lots of singles out there, than because I wanted to meet someone; and I'd almost forgotten about it.

On Thursday, a guy messaged me from the singles group saying he'd seen my profile on there and thought I sounded nice and interesting. I looked at his profile and he clearly had done more than look at my photo because we did have quite a lot in common, and he sounded quite nice too. I sent him a message back talking a bit about our shared interests and saying that yes, I'd like to chat sometime. I also discovered that we have one real-life friend in common, so I've sent her a message to find out about him :-D

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting at the computer with Facebook open when a message popped up from this guy (we will call him D). We started to chat a bit - just about general "how's life" stuff - and then the phone rang. It was Mum, needing to sort out various logistics. When I got back to the computer, I found he'd sent a couple more question messages ("written anything lately?" was one of them) then gone offline. I immediately sent him a message saying something like "oops sorry I disappeared, the phone rang and I had to take it, I'll be back online later :-)". For a few seconds, I started to feel really awful - what if he was angry / worrying / going to be narky and resentful? And then I said STOP. Firstly, his emotions are not my problem. Secondly, if he was any of those things towards a girl he'd just started chatting to, and couldn't accept that sometimes people just have circumstances that interrupt a conversation, then I wouldn't want to be friends with him anyway, let alone take things further one day. I know how past boyfriends would have reacted to that - sulking sarcastic sneering snapping selfishness! I don't WANT any more of those, so who cares how he reacts? If it's the wrong reaction I'll just say goodbye and forget about it.

And, lo and behold . . . this morning I found a message from him basically saying "no worries, I had to go out anyway" and then moving straight on to chatter about other interests.

Healthy-minded people attract other healthy-minded people. Have I finally attracted one? And does it work even if I'm not being actively healthy where he can see me? It doesn't seem to make sense, but perhaps I'm radiating that health in ways I don't understand . . . even on the internet.

1. I stay here, and so does the principal, and I have a horrible couple of years until I can get a transfer somewhere else.

2. I stay here and the principal moves on, and things improve or don't but either way I'm not dealing with her.

3. I get a job in the private sector and leave this stupid town and the cow of a principal behind entirely.

Now, all three of those are conditional on other people - on the education department's handling of the principal and on other schools considering me for a job. But the last has the advantage that - even if it doesn't come through and I'm only actively seeking it - I'm not passive.

I realised today that I HATE the public school system. I hate the rigidity and the meanness and the impersonality and the bureaucracy and the whole package. I hate what it does to the kids, and I hate what it's doing to ME. I do not like the person I am becoming as a teacher, and that worries me. The system is still so punitive and negative and them-against-us that I'm starting to buy into it, starting to accept the lies about children and childhood that feed the machine. NO!!!!! That is not what I want out of life and not what I expect from myself. I really feel that I want to get out of the public system entirely.

I just submitted an application to teach at a Montessori school in the suburb nextdoor to where Mum lives - back in my beloved hills. There's two more positions to apply for, at a protestant Christian school two suburbs from where Mum lives. And a few at Catholic schools in the south-west. I'm going to apply and apply and apply until I get something outside of the state system, no matter what. Whether it's in the city or the country, whether it's Catholic or Protestant or Steiner or Montessori or simply Alternative, I want to be out of the impersonal machine and into the world that believes that children are the REASON for what we do, not an impediment to it!

I'm feeling empowered right now. I'm not sitting back and letting stuff happen to me, but going out and looking for a better future. Yay for me.

This may mean being pinched financially, having a more demanding landlord, more house moves and many other things over the coming years. But miserable security is not living.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I'm at home on stress leave today and tomorrow, and I'm scared and angry and miserable.

Last Friday, one of my students king-hit another student while I had my back turned for a moment. I took both boys straight to the principal, told her what had happened and asked her to deal with it. Her way of "dealing" with it was to get both boys' sides of the story, then keep the offending boy in in-school suspension for a couple of hours before sending him back to me at 2pm. He wreaked complete havoc on my lesson, stirring up two other boys and causing my entire afternoon to go all to hell.

I was angry enough over this when I got in on Monday, and then I found that the principal wasn't going to be there on Monday and hadn't left any instructions or requirements for the offending boy. I resorted to the standard punishment - sitting on the bench rather than playing at recess and lunchtime. He refused to comply. Then at lunchtime three of my good girls were found out of bounds riding another child's scooter through the gardens and destroying a small tree; students who were supposed to be doing rubbish duty as a consequence for rudeness refused to comply; and at the end of lunch four boys refused to come down from the top of the play equipment having spent lunchtime throwing stuff on the top of the equipment's shade-cloth. They just laughed at all four of the staff members who told them to come down! When they did finally come down we got the mother of the worst boy (the one who hit the other child) to come and get him. I tried to get on with my lessons in the afternoon but a couple of the kids had realised that there was no higher authority in the school and no one was actually facing any major consequences (this has been a problem for a while because the principal just refuses to impose any higher-level consequences). and proceeded to riot. I got on with things as best I could before asking for help, and when the other teacher took them to buddy class I could hear her screaming at them from two classrooms away!

By the end of the day I was a crying nervous wreck and told the registrar I wasn't coming in today. I've been to the doctor today and cried at her, and I've got a certificate for today and tomorrow. My stomach is all in knots and I can't breathe properly and I'm feeling sick and strained and awful, not the least because I have to see the principal for a meeting at 8am on Thursday. I know I need to be assertive and firm and somehow MAKE her realise that while my handling of the problems might not have been the best - it is my first year of teaching after all - the heart of the problem is that she won't back us up or impose any serious consequences herself. I need to let her understand my feelings of being unsupported and out of options while not putting her on the defensive, and I'm not very good at that sort of thing.

I hate this!

I'm currently doing the only thing I can think of to make myself feel better: applying for positions in private schools. I've found three to positions to apply for and I'm going to look for more. If this principal isn't around next year it won't be so bad, but on the off-chance she will be here I don't want to be. I've had enough.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I had the last of my three 10-year high school reunions yesterday. It was a fantastic night and I really enjoyed it. I guess I'm now used to the whole reunion thing as I wasn't nervous at all for this one! That also comes from sorting through a lot of my "stuff". My self-esteem did not depend on the night going well, and since it did I just feel better about myself!

On the way home, I reflected on the three different reunions and the emotions and self-beliefs that surrounded each one. Like most teenagers my high school years were fraught with dramas and traumas, and being an Aspie with difficult and divorced parents I had perhaps a harder time than many dealing with the trials of teenagehood. In some ways, the reunions have let me 'go back' and fix some of the things that were going wrong. I've learned an important lesson out of each of the reunions - a different lesson each time.

Before the first reunion, for EHSHS, I was incredibly nervous. I was only at EHSHS for Years 8 and 9 (1993-94) and didn't really feel like I had any right to be going. I also had to get there very late, because my uncle's wedding reception was the same night. I was convinced that only a couple of people would remember me, and that they would probably wonder what I was doing there since I hadn't graduated with them. I even asked the people running it whether I was allowed to go!

When I got there, I was immediately greeted with great excitement by dozens of old friends and acquaintances. Most didn't even remember that I hadn't been there the whole time, or alternatively had wondered where the hell I'd gone since my friends hadn't managed to pass on the fact that I'd been custody-shuffled up to the northern suburbs. I was hugged by people I barely remembered, and "glomped" by a few who had really missed me. It was wonderful and I went home feeling like I'd regained a whole portion of my life that went missing after I left EHSHS.

Lesson One: You Are Memorable. I am not background noise. My appearance and manner and personality leaves a pleasant memory that people can retrieve immediately. I am missed when I leave and welcomed when I return. I don't need to fear being forgotten or unnoticed.

The next reunion was for GSHS where I did Years 10-12 (1995-97) after going to live with Mum. Before the GSHS reunion I felt even worse than I did prior to the first one. I was very much unpopular at GSHS (my friends were all in the year below me because my own year didn't 'get' me). I felt again like I had no right to be there and would be teased / laughed at / shunned for turning up to the reunion when I was so unwelcome at the school in the first place. I was terribly nervous.

What I found, when I got there, was that everyone remembered me, and no one remembered that I'd been unpopular. People kept asking things like "oh, were you at that party where . . .", and I kept having to say "no, I wasn't", thinking all the while ". . . because you guys never once invited me to a party!". They didn't have any recollection of my status as class pariah, and welcomed me with open arms and great enthusiasm. I hadn't been one of the crowd, but all they remembered was that I had been there through the most important years of high school. That was all that mattered to them.

Lesson Two: You Are Acceptable. Kids in high school are stupidly obsessed with conformity. My oddness was unbearable to them back then, but they're adults and they're over it. The person I am today is acceptable to the people they are today. I am not a pariah and no one sees me as one. I am accepted as one of "them".

This weekend's reunion was for FSHS, where I repeated Year 12 in 1998, having gone back to live with Dad at his new house in a different suburb after stuffing up my tertiary entrance exams in 1997. I wasn't nervous for this one - I knew that T, a good friend of mine, would be there, and I had better memories of the people at FSHS in general. I was pretty sure I was going to be welcomed, and hoped I would also be remembered.

The evening was delightful. Most people remembered me (some after a bit of prompting lol), and if they remembered me as half of "Christine and Brett", well, that's fair enough! Most were quite fascinated by the path my life had taken, and I found I had a lot in common with many of the girls I spent the evening with. It was a really great night.

Lesson Three: You Are Respected. People think very highly of someone who has three degrees, who followed her dream to do archaeology, who made a sensible decision to get out when it wasn't working out, and who does such an undeniably difficult and underpaid job as primary school teaching. In fact, the stuff I can do seriously amazes people, even if I consider them far brighter than me! So far as mannerisms can tell the story, everyone remembered liking me at school, and many remembered my dream to do archaeology. I am seen as someone who has achieved, who has strived, who has Gone Somewhere and Done Something with her life. No one cares about what I don't have or thinks less of me for it. What I do have is sufficient.

At last night's reunion I also had a long chat to my high school sweetheart (the aforementioned Brett), who was there with his wife and child. I found that, for the first time since we broke up in 2000, chatting to Brett triggered none of my "stuff". I think I'm starting to get my head around my past and put it away.

The three reunions have helped to set right a number of misconceptions I had about myself, and have replaced them with the positives listed above. And that feels good!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm not feeling good today. I'm getting over this bug, mostly, but I still feel sort of off-colour and drained.

When I get stressed I recycle a lot of anger at the world - non-specific, undirected anger that stems from the problems and challenges of my childhood. I'm feeling a lot of pressure and anxiety at the moment with reports coming up and the financial pressures of Christmas requiring a juggling act. I'm also experiencing a lot of loneliness and dissatisfaction with being single. I know I need to make peace with that, build my own life etc but right now I'm in an I-just-don't-care-I-want-a-family state. I don't know how to deal with myself when I'm like that! I know part of it is just the virus-imposed weepiness masquerading as cluckiness, and of course parts of me are going to be reacting to the fact that so, so many of my friends are pregnant (including the announcements by two of my close friends from primary school *sigh*).

Some of the feelings are real and some are just reactions, and I do know that I need to work through the issues that make me feel that way. I need to let go of the anger at past events, and let go of the negativity that I attach to being different, stop comparing myself and just let my life be what it is, when it is. I need to put aside the frustration and just enjoy what I've got, but it's hard, and I'll admit that a part of me is resisting. The misery and depression are oh-so-familiar, and soothing in their own way. Living healthily and positively involves giving up the security blanket of depression and self-deprecation, and that's scary.

So I'm trying to just keep on trying, keep on wanting to get healthy, and not fall into my old ways. I'm trying to find some behaviour to replace sitting on the couch crying over the things I want and don't have, which doesn't involve spending a lot of money. Hmm.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Yesterday I woke up feeling a bit funny and off-colour, and spent the day doing not very much of anything, apart from making chicken soup, which was quite an intensive process but I really wanted to do it, because I really wanted chicken soup.

In the middle of last night I woke up to find myself thrashing around in the bed, twisting this way and that because I was feeling nauseous. I got up and threw up twice before going back to bed.

When I woke up this morning I still felt nauseous, and had a sore throat to boot. I've managed to get through today by telling my kids how sick I felt, and sucking on sugary lollies constantly to keep me from getting too sick. I've been vague and fuzzy all day, and left school as early as I decently could. Now I'm sitting on the couch with my throat getting worse and my stomach roiling every time I stand up and my head all fuzzy. I bought soda water, gingernut biscuits and arrowroot biscuits on the way home - stuff I know my body will accept - and I've eaten some chicken. Food doesn't seem to be making me worse thankfully, but I'm so tired. I really need to go to bed and sleep for a while. Like, 12 hours. But I'm having trouble actually getting up and going to bed, because I don't want to miss some shows tonight and I can't face trying to programme the video recorder. Which is silly. But I'm feeling too awful to do anything about it.

I can't possibly take a day off tomorrow - school photos!!! So I just have to keep going. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow . . .

Edit: I also meant to add that I was unaccountably weepy yesterday, and no doubt this is why. I'm still weepy today - I keep wanting to bawl over anything even slightly emotional on the TV. Crying over bandaid ads, anyone?

Sunday, November 16, 2008

When S and I broke up for real and I was on holidays, I fell off the weight-loss wagon a bit. I was doing alright, and I didn't put any back on, but I just couldn't quite get my act together. Ever since, I've been fluctuating maddeningly between 73.4 and 74, up and down like a yo-yo.

It started to drop in the last couple of weeks, dropping down to 73.2 a few times, but it still didn't feel like progress.

Today, FINALLY, I broke through, and weighed in at 72.8 Hurrah! I've also now lost 10% of my total body weight, which is AWESOME. I've lost 8.6kg. I only need to lose another 13kg to have a healthy BMI again, and another 20kg would make me stunning. Somewhere in between is probably where I'll end up!

So it's back on track and I'm feeling motivated again. I still want to reach my goal weight by July next year at the most, and Easter for preference. And I'm still hoping to be in the 60s by Christmas. I think I can I think I can . . .

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Some self-help websites encourage people to get up and do things. They recommend that you stop sitting around, break out of the apathy and become a "human doing" instead of a human being.

Others recommend that you stop being a "human doing" - especially if all of your frantic activity is to avoid facing up to your issues - and learn to really be a "human being". GPYP calls this "making peace with the peace". It's learning to not need constant activity and fussing and people who make you crazy in order to feel fulfilled.

They're both equally valid points of view, and equally useful.

I think part of the problem I've had with my lifestyle ever since I left home is that I often live in a limbo between "human being" and "human doing". I have in fact been neither . . . I've been a "human dithering". I've spent so much time over the years just doing this and that and passing the time away. I've always called it "relaxing" but it's really not true relaxation, it's busy-but-not-active avoidance.

I want to spend less time as a "human dithering". Lots of the things I'm doing are going towards that (the degree, the choir, etc) but I also want to try to make it an integral part of my everyday life, not an extra-curricular activity. And I'm doing it, slowly but surely. My first conscious effort has been to make sure that I spend 1-2 hours doing stuff around the house every evening, instead of heading straight for the couch and the laptop and "relaxing" on the internet.

(Guess where I am now, and what I'm doing. Oh, the irony.)

This evening I spent two hours in the garden. I potted out ~20 petunia seedlings in pots and hanging baskets on my verandah (I bought 4 punnets of seedlings from a lady at school today, fundraising for the P&C), and likewise 6 tomato plant seedlings. Then I Had An Idea, and fought with a fairly scratchy tree to wind my new set of fairy lights into it. Then I dug a trench for the cord and buried it so I wouldn't trip over it. Then I switched it on, and went another round with the tree while I checked half the globes and replaced the ~5 that weren't working (I KNOW to check the globes before hanging the lights . . . oops). The net result is a whole lot of greenery and a very pretty tree :) And I spent my evening DOING. After I get off the computer and away from the TV, I'm going to commit to spending half an hour BEING.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Part of GPYP's programme of getting mentally healthy is to grieve for and let go of all of your unfinished business by following letting go rituals (the old 'write a letter and burn it' thing). My unfinished business is about three key issues, but dozens of people. So writing letters to all of them isn't really a functional way of dealing with this. Instead I've started a file on my computer titled "I Should Have Told You.doc". One of the three issues is the fact that I was the 'coper' in my family, the one who kept quiet about her needs as much as possible because others were clearly more important and their needs more significant. So, as they come to mind, I am writing down every significant thing that I should have told the people who helped build and reinforce my feelings of insignificance and inadequacy, either inadvertently or deliberately.

The first is, of course, about S, because I can get that over with quickly. I should have told him that his controlling behaviour was totally unacceptable - even if it meant that he broke up with me. I'm sure there'll be others about him and my other exes that will come out. But I'm just writing down whatever comes into my head. Family, friends, ex-friends, exes, anyone.

I'm going to do this for a couple of months until I feel that I've got in there all of those needs or defiances I never uttered. Then I'll print it out (probably in a significantly fancy font on heavy paper) and burn it. Not quite sure how I'm going to burn it in summer when there's a total fire ban, but still. I'll find a way, or wait until next winter! But those things are going to be gone. I'm going to say them, then burn them, and move on.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

As a society, we don't do pride in ourselves well. We like others to be proud of us - our society is in part based around gaining the acclaim of others - but we bridle and snark and scoff when we see people being proud of themselves.

Bragging and self-importance, of course, are obnoxious and annoying. But simple pride in one's own achievements - what is wrong with that?

I chatted to Mum on the phone this evening, and she told me how proud she was of me for how I've dealt with the breakup, how I'm rebuilding my life and adding to it all the time, how I've gone out and found things like the choir and the uni degree to keep me moving forward, and how I'm able to give her advice and insights that blows her - an extremely capable, savvy and introspective woman - away.

And you know what?

SHE'S RIGHT.

I'm PROUD that I'm doing my grief work and my repair work and I'm dealing with my "stuff".I'm PROUD that I'm out there in the community giving and receiving the gift of music.I'm PROUD that I'm getting my house and work under control and making good decisions like using enviro-friendly products and unplugging the clothes dryer in favour of the washing line.I'm PROUD that I'm going to continue my education and get a degree that is perfect for me.I'm PROUD that I'm dieting and doing well and losing weight gradually.I'm PROUD that I'm a strong, educated, intelligent woman with so much to offer, and the willingness and ability to offer it.

Monday, November 10, 2008

. . . was asleep next to me on the couch, lying on her side with her paws out in front of her. She was twitching and purring a bit in her sleep (she does this a lot when she's dreaming), then suddenly, she jumped - with her whole body - and moved a foot to the left, landed and then woke up. She was understandably very alarmed to wake up suddenly landing a foot from where she started, and she promptly attacked a cushion viciously as the culprit then ran off and is now sitting rather resentfully in the hall.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I think I mentioned a while back that the choir I joined was performing today. The event was the finale of a nature festival - a combined churches thanksgiving service up on top of a hill in a nature reserve outside of town. As soon as they found out that I play the flute they asked me to do some flute solos - quite undeterred by the fact that I hadn't played in public for four years!

I was really nervous beforehand, but it went fine. I played "Younger than Springtime" from 'South Pacific', "Hello Young Lovers" from 'The King and I' and "Morning Has Broken" while people were settling into their seats, and then "Colours of the Wind" from 'Pocahontas' as the beginning and end of the service. It was a really beautiful service and I'm really proud to have contributed to it. I made a couple of mistakes because there were flies attacking me the whole time - I had one lady from the choir on each side of me, holding the music stand so it wouldn't blow away with one hand and flapping flies off my face their other hand, but the flies still distracted me enough to cause a problem a couple of times, and I flubbed a couple of notes when there was a fly on my lips! But overall it went really well and everyone was really appreciative of me having turned up and played as well as singing. I was shaking afterwards, but so glad that I did it.

On the way home, driving between towns in the dark, I said a little prayer of gratitude for the opportunity to play my flute again, and then something rather strange happened. First I saw some sort of small marsupial run across the road - I think it was a chuditch. I've never seen a chuditch in the wild before, only in the zoo! Then, while I was still thrilling over that sighting, I went past an owl sitting in the middle of the road, watching some sort of scurrying thing that was just out of my sight. Probably a mouse.

I feel almost like those sightings were a reward, for having the courage to stand up and play at the service and for believing in myself. I simply love seeing animals in the wild and it's a huge thrill whenever I do, even when it's something a bit creepy (like the BIG snake I saw crossing the road on the way to the performance lol). So many in one evening makes me feel like it was laid on just for me :-)

I'm performing twice around Christmas - once at Carols by Candlelight and once at a Christmas Eve church service. I can't wait!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Yesterday was S's birthday. I didn't even realise until towards the end of the day, when I'd written the date several times in succession and noticed that the date (7/11) was the opposite of my brother's (11/7), and then remembered that S's had been the opposite of my brother's (which is just weird as they have the same first name lol). I briefly wondered whether S had expected me to contact him on his birthday, and whether he was surprised that I hadn't contacted him then or at any other time since I got my stuff back. I didn't really need to know, I just vaguely wondered.

Then I got on to thinking about something that happened before S's birthday last year. We'd been out on two successful dates, one to the movies and one to the zoo, on two successive weekends. Then S phoned me up on the Monday or Tuesday and asked if I could go out with him during the day on the Thursday. I was studying and I had to work in the evening, so I said I wasn't sure. He took on a funny hurt tone and said that it was "really important to him". I was a bit taken aback, thought for a moment and remembered that he'd mentioned his birthday at some point. I remembered that it was November but hadn't remembered the exact date he'd given. I guessed that it must be his birthday, and said "oh, it's your birthday, isn't it?". His response was an ever-so-slightly sarcastic "Yay! You remembered!".

A nice, decent, good guy would have phoned up and said "Hey Christine, it's my birthday on Thursday and I'd really love to spend some time with you - are you free?". Conversely, a nice, decent, good guy would not have used his upcoming birthday as a passive-aggressive TRAP to check how much his new girlfriend had remembered about him after two dates.

That, right there, should have been a GREAT BIG RED FLAG. I was embarrassed and uncomfortable and taken aback that he would be sarcastic because I'd forgotten a date he'd probably only mentioned once. And I can see now that his backwards way of finding out whether I remembered, and the fact that he was already trying to set me up to fail at being perfect, should have been a warning to get out immediately.

Friday, November 7, 2008

I'm REALLY behind on my NaNo novel - trust me to get a life-sucking bout of insomnia right at the start of November! But the good news is that in the last two days, with the help of the medication, I have started writing it. I've done 2510 words in two days, which is a good start. I hope I'll be able to catch up over the weekends and still be in the running to finish on time. I'm really liking the way it's taking shape, and the characters are starting to come to life.

It's been funny, though - my main character, Lissa, is a thirteen-year-old girl loosely based on my fantasy 'alter ego' that I used to tell myself stories about at that same age. In order to get inside her head I've been reading my old diary from that age. Yikes. I cannot believe I was EVER that silly, that desperate to be 'random', that impressed with my own cleverness, and that obsessed with boys. 90% of the diary is about boys. That quote from "Pride and Prejudice" about the 'silliest girls in England' keeps jumping into my head. Apart from being an Aspie, I was a pretty normal teenager, and it's quite the shock to see myself (in the privacy of a diary, at least) carrying on in the hyperactive, look-at-me-crazy, crush-obsessed way that annoying teenagers do on the internet these days. If BtN had been around when I was in my early teens, I probably *would* have been one of the little twits we have to throw snide remarks at until they stop parading their belief in their own cleverness and driving everyone nuts. I was so silly.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I couldn't get a doctor's appointment until Monday so I went to the chemist, and he gave me these tablets that used to be used as antihistamines until they figured out how to make antihistamines that don't completely knock you unconscious lol. The tablets are just used to help people to sleep these days. And they WORK. I took one twenty minutes before I wanted to fall asleep last night, and right on the dot I was out like a light and only stirred when the cat licked my nose about ten minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off. I had about 8 hours sleep and I've felt SO much better today - not dozy at all, and with quite a bit of energy. Hey, this "good night's sleep" thing really works. Who knew?

We were supposed to have school photos today but they were cancelled because the photographer was rushed to hospital in a critically ill condition. Oops. They've been rescheduled for two weeks' time.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I've been sleeping badly for the last couple of weeks - having trouble falling asleep, and waking up at every little sound all night, along with overheating and having ridiculous dreams. I'm so exhausted . . . I'm going around constantly with that gritty fatigued feeling, yawning constantly and tripping over things all the time. I don't know what to do. I can't get a doctor's appointment until Monday and I feel like I'll be completely insane by then. Herbal sleepy thingies don't work for me and I haven't even got any drowsy cough medicine I could take once or twice to get myself back on track. I keep trying to go to bed but I just lie there for hours and hours without falling asleep. It's been happening since daylight savings time started but I don't know if that caused it or if it's part of a larger problem . . . *sigh*

Saturday, November 1, 2008

"if he really wanted me and our relationship, I wouldn’t need to be a detective to figure it out."

From a poster named Stronger on the GPYP comments.

This is so applicable to S and I that I yelped when I read it. Those five weeks of crazy-making were stupid and unfair. He should have had the balls to come out and tell me one way or another right from the start, instead of leading me in that crazy dance of withdrawal and denial and hysterics because he didn't have the guts to say what needed to be said. And I should have realised that if he wanted me in his life I would be in no doubt about it.

What is a Human Becoming?

Our language and culture tends to deal in absolutes. He is a student. She is a teacher. People are, or are not. We have more trouble with processes, gradual slides from one thing to another. And this is strange, because most people spend most of their lives in the process of changing, not as the static "things" their labels would suggest.

I am not a human who is being one particular thing or another. I am hundreds of processes. I am a human becoming. What am I becoming? Who knows! We might just find out together.