I was in the grocery store yesterday and the tabloids were headlining the secret love child of yet another celebrity couple. While we tend to expect this from celebrity relationships, secrets are a problem for any couple. The question asked is if it is a good idea to reveal those secrets to your partner.

Let’s think about how it feels to find out after the fact. Do you really want to be surprised with a secret 10 years into a marriage, especially one that may have impacted your decision to marry in the first place? And the person living with a secret carries a burden that may interfere with intimacy as well.

Secrets tend to fall into 3 categories: 1) Things that are taboo–affairs, drug use, contracting an STI, etc. 2) A rule violation like partying, drinking too much at the office party, etc. or 3) More conventional problems like failing a test, hiding a health problem, etc.

We keep secrets from our loved ones for all kinds of reasons. We may be afraid of disapproval; we may want to protect that person, or we may worry about his or her reactions. But self-disclosure actually helps relationships and builds intimacy. Living with secrets is like living in a house with a cracked foundation, it never quite repairs and creates problems. While you don’t have to reveal every thought in your head to your partner, keeping secrets about important issues is not recommended.

Revealing secrets can hurt the other person, but it is the only way true repair can begin. You’ve already hurt the person by engaging in the behavior or keeping something important from him or her. Healthy relationship require honesty.

In relationships where trust is absent, self-disclosure can open the door to betrayal, gossip and violations of your privacy. Think, Linda Tripp and Monica Lewinsky! So don’t reveal your secrets to people you can’t trust. In fact, better to keep those secrets between you and your spouse. If you need help getting through the process, go to a therapist.

Linda Mintle

It is rare that a trained academic who speaks passionately to the heart of people providing real answers to real life problems and in a relatable style. Dr. Linda’s fun personality comes through whether she’s helping her audiences prevent a divorce or make peace with their thighs!

Dr. Linda Mintle is a national expert on the psychology of food, weight and body image and relationships. With years of clinical experience in weight loss and eating disorders, she is uniquely qualified to bring sensibility and real help to anyone struggling with weight, eating and body image. Her latest book, Press Pause Before You Eat explores how to say goodbye to mindless eating and hello to the joy of eating.

Dr. Linda is a best selling author, winner of the Mom’s Choice Award, a national news consultant and blogger and hosts her own website. Her academic appointment at Eastern Virginia Medical School keeps her abreast of current research in her areas of expertise. Her media experience includes seven years as the resident expert for ABC Family’s Living the Life television show and regular appearances on network television and radio. Her current assignment as a national news consultant allows her to comment on mental health issues in the news. As a licensed marriage and family therapist and licensed clinical social worker, she brings 25 years of clinical experience to every day living.

It is often said that being with Dr. Linda is like having coffee with a friend. She makes the complicated issues of relationships and mental health easy to understand and applicable to every day living. The ease she has with people, coupled with her clinical training and experience makes her a sought after speaker on college campuses, at conferences and special events. Whether she is doing a TV skit with Tim Conway or discussing teen violence with Queen Latifa, Dr. Linda will entertain, educate and help you with Real Life. Real Answers.