true tales as told by Noelle

Man-Eater

The more guys I turn down (let’s see, the most recent one makes it three and counting), the more I realize there ain’t no painless way of rebuffing their advances.

The funny thing: all the guys I turned down turned to listening to music to ease their heartaches. As in, the next time I saw them after our heart-to-heart talks, they all had earphones jammed into their ears and the music turned way up. The first guy used a free radio transceiver from Jollibee. The second guy used a Walkman he paid for. The third guy? An iPod Nano. (Hmm… I’m moving up in the world?)

The “makes-you-think” thing: It’s easy to say it’s his problem and not mine that he had to come out and reveal his feelings toward me. Still, I have to deal with feelings of guilt due to the following questions:

Did I in any way lead him on?

Did I assure him he still has my friendship? (assuming he treated me respectfully)

How friendly should I be to make him aware that my interest in him is entirely platonic?

To be honest I don’t think I can wash my hands of wrongdoing, as I tend to let a guy get too close before I realize something’s not quite right with the “friendship.” Well, actually, there are warning signs but I am so naive that I blithely carry along like I can convince him just to remain my friend so that I don’t have to face the day he offers his heart to me on a platter. It just doesn’t work. I wonder if these guys think I’m a man-eater, like that Nelly Furtado song.

She’s a man-eaterMake you buy carsMake you cut cardsMake you fall real hard in loveShe’s a man-eaterMake you work hardMake you spend hardMake you want all of her loveShe’s a man-eaterWish you never ever met her at all!

The sucky thing: when I ultimately turn him (whichever guy) down and away from that particular path to my heart, he ends up resenting me. In turn, I end up avoiding him so that I don’t cause him pain by seeing me. The cycle of grief reinforces itself as he starts thinking I don’t want to be around him because I don’t like him at all (not even as a friend).

I just don’t want to keep repeating this cycle, but what can I do? I just am not interested in that kind of relationship at this point.

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18 thoughts on “Man-Eater”

it’s the cave-man, noelle, in all of us of us males of the species homo sapiens.

we don’t like being turned down because we don’t really see it as the woman not wanting the relationship. we see it as our failure to convince the woman that we can hunt for her, that we can clothe her in furs, that we can keep her warm in the dead of night, that we can keep her happy. It is, for us, a rejection of everything we believe ourselves to be: suave, funny, interesting, sexy, a powerful hunter of women. we don’t really want to think of it in those exact terms, but in the reptile brain buried deep inside our skulls, we are hotwired to think that way, and it really hurts.

as for the love me or leave attitude, alot of that is about self-preservation. men can’t look at other women while the one who rejected them stays close by. sure, once in awhile the moon can eclipse the sun, but most of the time, the sun blinds us to everything else. and you noelle, for your rejected suitors, are the sun.

it must suck to be a woman, faced with the cave-man, but that’s the way it is. your best bet is to let it be. men will get over themselves eventually. and if your friendship before the rejection was strong, then it will re-assert itself eventually. quite possibly once the man has proven himself a capable hunter and is able to face you with a prize catch.

if, on the other hand, the friendship wasn’t strong, then why weep over it? That whole friendhsip episode might, in fact, have been just a prelude to the lunge, and not the genuine article. men do that too.

Oh Noelle, you’re blessed that the men who offered their hearts to you can at least comprehend a NO. I actually know some guy who just can’t take a clue. It’s frustrating. Ask your sister for the spill. Hehe.

I’m looking forward for another entry from you explaining in great detail why women REBUFF. This isn’t “demanding” though hehe. I believe you had got it already that I was just implying that your blog is indeed such a “relax” read. 😉 Now, it has just been expressed hehe.

On the contrary, some of my girl friends have been complaining on not having some love life lately. I keep on telling them “it’s not like it’s necessary.” But then that’s just me and I have a different kind of thinking toward “that kind of relationship.”

Alessandra: At the point I let things deteriorate to it’s just hard not to be brutal and impress on them the finality of it all. (Mental note: don’t let it get that far next time!) And ugh, I do have to report that I consider them Barneys. The Baldwins in my life are completely clueless that I have any interest in them.

RC: Women like me rebuff (tee-hee!) because a) it’s not the right time; or b) they’re not into the guy in that way. Simple, really. Maybe I should write about why I choose to remain single right now…

Rob: My philosophy is that a love life (dating/courtship) isn’t necessary until a person is actually willing to consider marriage in the near future. Else, a love life is a distraction and serves no purpose other than selfish pleasure-seeking.

I like your philosophy of dating/courtship. That is the same as my brother-in-law and also a friend of mine. I wish I’d had it when I was younger. My friend has the same problem of you. She has to turn down guys. She started wearing a purity ring on her wedding ring finger which has curbed some of the guys once she explains that she’ll move it to the other hand when she feels ready to find her future husband.

The following passage from Pride and Prejudice just popped into my head:

[Mr. Collins] As I must therefore conclude that you are not serious in your rejection of me, I shall chuse to attribute it to your wish of increasing my love by suspense, according to the usual practice of elegant females.

[Elizabeth] I do assure you, Sir, that I have no pretension whatever to that kind of elegance which consists in tormenting a respectable man…. I thank you again and again for the honour you have done me in your proposals, but to accept them is absolutely impossible. My feelings in every respect forbid it.