Friday, January 04, 2008

Thank God for Six Points

As an afterthought to yesterday’s post about the Miami Dolphins, and with the playoffs beginning tomorrow, I’ve been thinking of more ways the Dolphins can rebrand.

This team makeover will be a good opportunity for the new head coach to implement what I call “Gentlemen’s Football.” When the rest of the league sees that you mean business, they will respect you more. You might even learn to respect yourselves. You might win a game or two.

The following offenses by players will be punished with stiff fines, levied by the team.

Speaking to a reporter about yourself in the 3rd person

Speaking to a reporter indoors while wearing sunglasses

Speaking ill of your teammates or management

Celebrating a tackle

Celebrating a sack

Celebrating a touchdown

Getting on one or both knees after a touchdown

Making the sign of the cross after a touchdown (Fine is doubled if offender is not Catholic)

Pointing to heaven after a touchdown

Jumping in the air to bump chests, sides or backs in celebration of anything

Taunting opposing players or fans

Raising your arms to encourage the home crowd to cheer more

Trash talking

Stepping over a downed opposing player without offering a hand up

All "celebrations" will be simple, congratulatory handshakes between teammates. (Regular, business-styled handshakes. No finger snaps, fists or elaborate hand choreography.)

Fan adulation may by acknowledged with a polite nod and a smile.

Players scoring touchdowns will hand the ball to the nearest referee and jog to the sideline.

No offense to your faith, your mom or your many years of hard work that got you here, but you are highly paid professionals looked up to by millions of kids. Show some class. You guys went 1-15. It’s time to get serious about the game.

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Jetpacks Junk

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Back when we were kids, the advertising people told us that "in the future" we'd all be free from disease and living in peace, flying around with our own jetpacks. The future is now...and we're still waiting.