Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Period Tips...For Men

Oh no fellas is it that time of month
again? Do you dread the random outbursts of tears and coming
downstairs in the morning to find the kitchen ransacked of every
piece of chocolate you had stashed? Are you tired of dealing with
Aunt Flow every month? Look no further, because for the first time
ever, a woman is stepping out of the darkness to hand you all the
secrets to dealing with your woman while she is on her period.

Now while some of my readers may
consider this post taboo or kind of squeamish, I and after consulting
a few of my girlfriends found ourselves laughing hysterically at the
truthful but helpful hints I conjured up in this twisted mind of
mine.

So if you can't handle it, turn back
now, but if you are desperately searching for some sort of road map
to navigate such a difficult time in your woman's life that seemingly
reoccurs every 28 days, read on:

10 TIPS TO DEAL WITH AUNT
FLOW....FOR MEN

If
you already don't know any better, do not, I repeat do not poke the
sleeping bear. More than likely that beautiful little creature with
a matted tangle mess of hair around her face was up all night
searching until she found enough chocolate to eat her weight in it.
As if that isn't bad enough she most definitely was up all night
rolling around in pain cursing Eve as her lady innards felt like
they were being beat with a hammer. But wait you say, I've already
woke her up before reading this, what do I do now? Well if you don't
have breakfast in bed waiting and you see two bloodshot red eyes
staring back at you, I suggest you run, don't even bother to get
your car, just run and don't look back, if you want to keep your
arse that is.

Once
again, chocolate...This is a reoccurring theme for a reason fellas.
And if it's not chocolate, then you know what it is, every woman
makes it a point to voice what she wants during Aunt Flow's visit.
Your best bet is to get it, hold it in front of you as clearly as
possible when approaching the beast, push it towards them and back
away slowly. If you receive the grunt of approval and your beastly,
I mean beautiful woman begins tearing into your food offering, you
get to live another day, if her eyes turn red again, run...

If
she asks you to get tampons or pads, get them. For crying out loud,
what are you embarrassed? Well not as embarrassed as you'll be when
she's got you strung up by your undies on the front lawn for forcing
her to wad toilet paper up her hoohah to make the trip to the store
herself while in pain.....shame shame. Any man that gets these items
for his woman, has scored some serious brownie points.

The
sweet spot. If you haven't found it yet then know its the belly, the
lower belly, below the belly button but above the crevices of the
“V”. Gently rub this sweet spot and that little monster of yours
will roll over into your lap like a harmless kitten purring her
approval. Watch it though, you go any higher or lower than
previously described and the claws will come out.

Every
woman thinks she is queen of the relationship, and she is, just as
you are king; however, every queen deserves her day, or in this
matter, week. I'm going to put it bluntly, you mean nothing, you are
but a little speck of a loyal servant whom must bend to her every
wish and command or face her wrath. If she cries, you are to blame,
if she's angry, you are to blame, if she's bored you are to blame,
if she's happy, you screwed up and she's laughing at the potential
punishment she's going to inflict on you. That's right you cannot
win.

Do
not talk about it like you know how it feels. Because you don't.
Unless you've had your corndog beat with a hammer for seven days in
a row, you haven't a clue. If you think trying to relate to her is
the best way to go, you are so very wrong. I once heard one of my
girlfriend's ex-boyfriends say to her, “I got kicked in the balls
once, and I know that hurt way worse, you'll be okay.” He had a
lovely obituary in the newspaper the next day.

When
she says,” Bring me the strong stuff.” Don't come bearing asprin
or tylenol. She's already bleeding out, what the hell makes you
think she needs a blood thinner? Better bring Midol Extra Strength
or risk losing one of your precious appendages. And what? Do you
expect her to swallow that horse pill with just saliva. Bring a
drink too dumbass...

She
can comment on her bloating, you cannot. If she asks if she looks
fat or bloated, abort, I repeat ABORT! Even if she is a bit pudgier
because she is obviously bloated, do not tell her that!!! Instead
follow up that immediately with compliments to distract her from her
question. Answering yes is going to make her cry and make you look
like an asshole, because you are; answering no is the same as saying
yes but I'm too much of a wiener to say yes; and completely ignoring
her isn't going to go over well either. Distraction is the key
tactic here.

Tears.
There are lots of tears. She will cry over something cute, sad,
happy or infuriating. It may catch you off guard to see your strong,
independent woman turn into a blubbering co-dependent cry-baby. But
it is what it is. A sure fire way to stop the tears is to comment on
them, tell her how much she is crying, tell her she needs to toughen
up, that is if you want to lose your head. The best way, actually is
to agree with her emotions and hope and pray you aren't the reason
for her tears.

Last
but definitely not least, do not ever and I mean ever, no matter the
time of month, say, “Are you on your period?” Let me be the
first to inform you, we women are all perfectly capable of being a
class “A” Boss Bitch, without being on our period. You taking
the low pathetic route and resorting to these words just goes to
show you're an ignorant ass,who's mama didn't beat enough. The last
man that said this to me, received divorce papers LMAO. Just
kidding, or am I?