Maybe I’m becoming more simple-minded as I get older, or perhaps it’s the fact that I spend my days with children. For whichever reason, I’ve found myself more amused by simple things lately, most notably email forwards. Here is another one that made me laugh out loud. I don’t know; I found it funny, but I did read it at the end of a very long day…

My husband informed me it was fake, but it’s more fun of course if you believe that some version of this actually happened. Either way, the author gets points for creativity in my book – and maybe my husband was just upset that he didn’t get what the drawing was supposed to be in the first place 😉

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment:

After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child’s illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a snow shovel.
Mrs. Harrington

How funny is it that I had this email forward waiting for me in my inbox when I returned from the doctor this morning?

MY NEW DOCTOR

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain…GOOD!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND…..
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION…..
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

I received another touching email forward, and I have to admit that I snopes-ed it because it sounded so fake. It’s the story of Freedom the eagle and her friend Jeff – here is their story:

Freedom and I have been together 10 years this summer.
She came in as a baby in 1998 with two broken
wings. Her left wing doesn’t open all the way
even after surgery, it was broken in 4
places. She’s my
baby.
When Freedom came in she could not stand
and both wings were broken. She was
emaciated and covered in lice. We made the
decision to give her a chance at life, so I took
her to the vets office. From then
on, I was always around her. We had her in a
huge dog carrier with the top off, and it
was loaded up with shredded newspaper for her to
lay in. I used to sit and talk to her,
urging her to live, to fight; and she would lay
there looking at me with those big brown eyes.
We also had to tube feed her for
weeks.
This went on for 4-6 weeks, and by then she still
couldn’t stand. It got to the point where the
decision was made to euthanize her if she
couldn’t stand in a week. You know you don’t
want to cross that line between torture and
rehab, and it looked like death was
winning. She was going to be put
down that Friday, and I was supposed to come in
on that Thursday afternoon. I didn’t want to go
to the center that Thursday, because I couldn’t
bear the thought of her being euthanized;
but I went anyway, and when I walked in everyone
was grinning from ear to ear. I went
immediately back to her cage; and there she was,
standing on her own, a big beautiful
eagle. She was ready to live. I was
just about in tears by then. That
was a very good day.
We knew she could never fly, so the director
asked me to glove train her. I got her used to
the glove, and then to jesses, and we
started doing education programs for schools in
western Washington. We wound up in the newspapers,
radio (believe it or not) and some
TV. Miracle Pets even did a show
about us.

In the spring of 2000, I was diagnosed with
non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I had stage 3,
which is not good (one major organ plus
everywhere), so I wound up doing 8 months of
chemo. Lost the hair – the whole
bit. I missed a lot of work. When I
felt good enough, I would go to Sarvey
and take Freedom out for walks. Freedom would
also come to me in my dreams and help me fight
the cancer. This happened time and time
again.
Fast forward to November 2000, the day after
Thanksgiving. I went in for my last
checkup. I was told that if the cancer was not
all gone after 8 rounds of chemo, then my last
option was a stem cell transplant. Anyway, they
did the tests; and I had to come back Monday for
the results. I went in Monday, and I was
told that all the cancer was
gone.
So the first thing I did was get up to Sarvey and
take the big girl out for a walk. It was misty
and cold. I went to her flight and jessed her
up, and we went out front to the top of the
hill. I hadn’t said a word to
Freedom, but somehow she knew. She looked at me
and wrapped both her wings around me to where I
could feel them pressing in on my back
(I was engulfed in eagle wings), and she
touched my nose with her beak and stared into my
eyes, and we just stood there like
that for I don’t know how long. That was a
magic moment. We have been soul mates ever
since she came in. This is a very special
bird.
On a side note: I have had people who
were sick come up to us when we are out, and
Freedom has some kind of hold on
them. I once had a guy who was
terminal come up to us and I let him hold
her. His knees just about buckled and he
swore he could feel her power coarse through his
body. I have so many stories like
that.
I never forget the honor I have of being so close
to such a magnificent spirit as
Freedom.
Hope
you enjoy this.
Jeff

Awww, that eagle sounds so sweet! So how did we get stuck with this big red jerk?

I received a few more of the email forwards with pictures of cute animals, so I thought I’d combine them into one post. So here are some cute animals – enough said.

That little parakeet is preening his smiling kitten buddy – something birds only do to the ones they love! And these pandas were displaced when an earthquake shook their forest home, but they’re getting good care now. What I wouldn’t give to sit right in the middle of that pen!

And, for the finale, check out this cat who loves boxing!

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The following words of wisdom came to me in an email forward. However, I have to disagree with some of it since I was born near the end of the window and I did have some of the things growing up that the email says I would not have had. So, I put my personal comments about this email forward in italics.

THOSE BORN 1930-1979

READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO . IF YOU DON’T READ ANYTHING ELSE—VERY WELL STATED

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s!! (I can barely get credit for surviving the 70’s. After all, I only experienced the 70’s for a year and a half!)

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. (Well, ok, maybe everyone reading this survived some of that, but that doesn’t make it right, of course!)

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes .

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no child- proof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking. (that is definitely before my time. I’ve never hitchhiked. And the only people I know who have are either deceased or over the age of 50!)

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats , seat belts or air bags. (Ok, I remember this – every kid I knew whose parents had a station wagon would ride in the back of it for long trips, no seatbelts. I think kids should be buckled up, but I think the whole booster / car seat until they’re 8 years old is just plain ridiculous! Ah, the effects those lobbyists have on Congress is purely amazing, isn’t it?)

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren’t overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! (Well, a few people I went to school with DO have heart problems, but…)

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were OK.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo ‘s, X-boxes, no video games at all (umm, I beg to differ. My generation had Atari, Intellivision, the Commodore, the Tandy, the original Nintendo, and even some hand-held electronic games), no 150 channels on cable, no video movies (again, not true. I remember the day my family got our VCR. I was worried my big sister would be mad because she was at a sleepover when we got it and the whole event was so exciting. We rushed right out to the video store to rent a video. But all the good ones seemed to be in BETA, not VHS…) or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s (but we had records, casette tapes, and walkmans!), no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chatrooms…….

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. (Nor did the gum we swallowed stay in our tummies for seven years – hehe)

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! (Nowadays, we’d be lucky to get enough kids to have to turn them away, not that we would, but the point is, many kids are busy playing video games or causing trouble… or their parents are just too busy to let them commit to anything extracurricular)

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! (Nowadays kids are charged as adults, so parents aren’t often given the option to decide what’s best for their own child!)

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

‘With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?’

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us…go ahead and delete this.

For the rest of us…pass this ON!

Ok, I’m not a big fan of passing on email forwards… But this one entertained me, so do with it what you will, and remember that my contributions are the ones in italics, so thanks for reading my commentary!

Here’s a cute video that was a popular email forward in the infancy age of email forwards. I saw this one years ago, and it popped into my head today for some reason, so here you go… oh yeah, make sure you watch the whole thing!

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I received an email forward full of “Creative Puns for Educated Minds”. Some of them are really cute, so I decided to publish them here on the blog. While reading these, you will groan at least once, but if you don’t smile or even laugh out loud, you might be a little bit crabby and should probably take a nap instead of reading the rest of the 22 puns below.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

I received an interesting email forward from my mom last week, and I’m sharing it on my blog because it’s a helpful household tip that most people I asked didn’t know about. I had actually heard this Heloise-worthy hint before, but I had forgotten about it. Here is a copy of the email forward:

I had to go into the kitchen and check this out for myself. Who looks at the end of an aluminum foil box? You know, when you try to pull some foil out and the whole roll comes out of the box. Then you have to put the roll back in the box and start over. The darn roll always comes out at the wrong time.

Well, I would like to share this with you. Yesterday I went to throw out an empty Reynolds Wrap foil box and for some reason I turned it and looked at the end of the box. And written on the end it said, “Press here to lock end.”

Right there on the end of the box is a tab to lock the roll in place. How long has this little lockng tab been there? I then looked at a generic brand of aluminum foil and it had one too. I then looked at a box of Saran wrap and it had one too! I can’t count the number of times the Saran wrap roll has jumped out when I was trying to cover something up.

Apparently while people are on Christmas break – off work or just home with their kids – they like to send email forwards. I’ve gotten a burst of them lately, and 2 caught my eye so I will share them. The first is another personality quiz, but it had some different questions than ones in the past, so I’m posting it. Second is a really cute youtube video of a lady doing a marvellous job singing a song with which every parent will identify. She is very talented, and it’s a good performance. Not only do the lyrics ring true, but the woman has a nice voice, and she just performs the song very well. It’s amazing to me that she was able to memorize all those words – they come awfully fast!

Here’s a copy of the personality quiz email with the answers I wrote:

A little fun thing to do.
44 ODD Things about you! If you opened this, FILL IT
OUT! Learn 44 things About your friends, and let them
learn 44 things about you! Send back to Me and to
several more friends !!

1. Do you like blue cheese? yes
2. Have you ever smoked? yes
3. Do you own a gun? NO!
4. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite? mountain berry
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? yes
6. What do you think of hot dogs ? like em – especially Vienna Beef or Nathans
7. Favorite Christmas movie? Elf
8. Favorite thing to drink in the morning:water
9. Can you do push ups? barely
10. Favorite piece of jewelry? my wedding and engagement rings
12. Do you have A.D.D.? I just might
13. What is one trait you hate about yourself? that I can be high strung
14. Middle name ? Marie
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. My Grandma’s Christmas village is cooler than the one they’re showing on the news – I can’t wait until Christmas – I can’t wait until Chris gets off work
17. Current worry? money
18. Current hate right now? arrogant, self-absorbed people
19. Favorite place to be? home
20. How did you bring in the New Year? with friends
22. Name three people who might complete this. Jamy, Megan, Mary Beth
23. Do you own slippers? no – I wear imitation Crocs around the house
24. What shirt are you wearing? a red sweatshirt with snowflakes on it
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? yes – but only in the summer
26. Can you whistle? yes
27. Favorite color? green
28. Would you be a pirate? I’ve got a parrot… but I don’t really know what this question means. I would not hijack ships and steal from people, so I guess not
29. What songs do you sing in the AM. Country
30. Favorite girl’s name? Taylor
31. Favorite boy’s name? Christopher
32. What’s in your pocket right now? a piece of Barbie fake dog poop – don’t ask
33. Last thing that made you laugh? My girls seeing their baby brother jumping in his bouncy
34. What vehicle do you drive? minivan
35. Worst injury you have ever had? emergency cesarean with a blood transfusion
36. Favorite Season? Spring
37. How many TV’s do you have in your house? 6
38. Who is your loudest friend? Lisa H. I guess
39. Do you have any pets? 2 dogs, a parrot, and one hibernating ladybug
40. Does someone have a crush on you? does marriage count as a crush?
41. What is your favorite book? Monkeys on the Interstate by Jack Hanna
42. Do you collect anything? board games, Legos, Cubs stuff, local historical memorabilia and books
43. Favorite sports team? Chicago Cubs / Bears
44. What song do you want played at your funeral? Whatever other people want to listen to, I guess… it’s not like I’ll be enjoying it!

And here is the Mom’s Anthem video:

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Got another ‘getting to know you’ quiz via email the other day. Since I still fill these out for some reason (don’t really know why I do this – haven’t my friends already learned all these things about me?), I figured I might as well post it on the blog. And this one prompted me to add a new category to my blogging also – fun forwards. Of course now I have a bunch of posts that should go into this category, but I’m not about to go back and re-classify all my posts.

44 ODD Things about you! If you opened this, FILL IT OUT! Learn
44 things about your friends, and let them learn 44 things about you!
Send back to me and to several more friends!

1. Do you like blue cheese? yes
2. Have you ever smoked? yes
3. Do you own a gun? no
4. What flavor Kool Aid was your favorite? mountain berry
5. Do you get nervous before a doctor appointment? depends what it’s for
6. What do you think of hot dogs? like em – especially Nathan’s
7. Favorite Christmas movie? Elf, Christmas Vacation
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? water or iced tea if I’m tired
9. Can you do push ups? dunno
10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? wedding ring
11. Favorite hobby? reading
12. Do you have A.D.D.? I just might
13. What’s one trait you hate about yourself? impatience
14. Middle name? Marie
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? OUCH (my almost 2-year-old is doing my hair), is it too hot to cook pizzas at the party?, what will we do with 3 pizzas if we don’t cook them?
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? iced tea, water, beer
17. Current worry? husband’s health
18. Current hate right now? my kids’ inability to appreciate things
19. Favorite place to be? anywhere alone with Chris
20. How did you bring in the New Year? pregnant
21. Where would you like to go? Madagascar
22. Name three people who will complete this? Jamy (already did), Vickie, Megan
23. Do you own slippers? no
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? red
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? yes
26. Can you whistle? yes
28. Would you be a pirate? what does that mean? I’ve got a parrot…
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? whatever is on the radio
30. Favorite Girl’s Names? Taylor, Samantha, Disney
31. Favorite boy’s names? Christopher, Jonathan, Michael
32. What’s in your pocket right now? don’t have pockets
33. Last thing that made you laugh? The Nerd
34. Best bed sheets as a child? Snoopy
35. Worst injury you’ve ever had? getting cut open at the last minute to have a baby
36. Do you love where you live? YES
37. How many TVs do you have in your house? 5 + a few that don’t work
38. Who is your loudest friend? Lisa H.
39. How many dogs do you have? 2
40. Does someone have a crush on you? yes
41. What is your favorite book? Monkeys on the Interstate by Jack Hanna
42. What is your favorite candy? chocolate
43. Favorite Sports Team? Chicago Cubs, Chicago Bears
44. What song or songs do you want played at your funeral? Canon in D – more appropriate for a wedding, I guess, but it’s my favorite classical piece… it’s not like I’ve thought about this!
TAKE LIFE ONE DAY AT A TIME. HAVE A GREAT ONE