Just Be

Cliffs of Moher in Ireland

In walking these cliffs I was reminded the meaning of beauty and letting go.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

With healthy beaks and dirty fingers
life takes an interesting
turn.
Your perspectives
and passions broaden.
Freedom, fears and love
have been allowed to rip through mediocrity.
With observing the philosophy
of everyone around you,
you observe more beauty,
more pain
than you previously
ever paid attention to.
You find yourself
overwhelmed and allow yourself
to take a leap into momentary
escape.
Not to forget, but to quietly digest.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I am still holding true to the lessons that the phrase ‘Just be’ has taught me. Valuable lessons for sure. As I have stated before, “Being is an underrated quality when ‘The grass is greener on the other side’ is it constant nemesis”. I have learned that it is so right and so good to dream and dream but what about the peaceful dwellings of ‘just being’. Just being has allowed me to gain some peace to the overall craziness that tore my world upside down.

This transition has been a progression. Having a God-send of a mother to deliver the exact words that I’ve needed throughout this year. And, the card that quoted Ida Cox ‘Wild women don’t get the blues’ with a black and white photograph of a group of old women dancing has left an impression in my mind. LET LOOSE FOR GOD'S SAKE!

I once wrote, ‘Acid rain tries to beat at my heart and tell me that I have been defeated. I let go in the moment and let myself become wild, but who sanctions that as defeat?’ and I have found myself in an interesting mind state. I am more confident. I feel sexy (not just because of the many random douche bag one night stand offers that seem to follow me lately - it’s like I have a stamp on my forehead or something). They always say, Confidence is sexy. You know it’s sexy because it sells. But, do you actually know why? For me, I feel like I’m discovering what that means. For me it shows that you love yourself, that you get yourself to some degree and you are completely comfortable with the fact that you are you with all your flaws.

In transitioning, I seem to be past the day dreams of where I could be and leaping at the opportunities I have right in front of me. Do I still daydream? Oh yes, all the time! But, I’m beginning to let go. I’m beginning to allow myself the right type of wild, the fun and dangerous sense of living but with careful use of intuition while clinging onto wisdom. And, I am absolutely loving it.

Definitely mistakes happen when you risk more often but I would rather pull on the elastic band than to do nothing with it. Because if I do nothing with it then I will never know the possibilities and that is never a risk I am willing to take.

This year has definitely been a transition across multiple scales. And, in that transition I have learned more about what I am capable of and what I want even though often times I am stuck in understanding where I want to be. But, as long as I am living I think I will always have those thoughts. So, this new post is a transition in itself. I am determined to be more dedicated to what I consider a passion. So with that being said, if you are reading my blog for the first time. I hope you enjoy and I hope you stay.

Below is a writing prompt I did earlier this year for an online writing course.

Too late

She made the decision that she was going to go through with it. As soon as she did she felt as though a 100 ton building had immediately fallen on her shoulders. After that decision, that moment she knew that there was no turning back. Thoughts began to pour through her from every angle. There was no denial. Everything around her showed her what she had done. All that left was pure guilt, anxiety and regret.

She had made the decision not to and because of this there was so much not going to happen. “One small decision did this to me” she thought. Not only that but she knew that when she told him there would be burning questions and this could destroy so much.

This thing that they call stress it causes for many things to go array. Physically our bodies begin to show immediate signs. Sleep is lost. Our mind races and goes through every possible situation (or angle).

It was too late, but she wasn’t sure she couldn’t tell him yet. “How was I going to hide this from him? He reads me like an open book.” her mind raced. This man loved her more than most couples that have been together for lifetimes. She could be crying earlier in the day and not had been crying for hours and seemed bubbly and he would know that something was off. And here she was to put effort into trying to hide this from him when the insides of her were developing hot coals to torment her with and the shadows under her eyes were growing darker because of the lack of sleep.

She was to see him this afternoon. That day she had even thought about going to the spa before meeting him. “Really, that is a ridiculous amount of money to cover up this secret!” she said with disgust to herself. She knew that the best thing for her would be to just out right tell him, but that could ruin everything and she loved him dearly and knew that he had to know. Her stomach fluttered, not with endued excitement like lovers getting together after a long separation but with an overwhelming amount of fear.

They were to meet at their favorite restaurant. It was a date that was long overdue. She didn’t drink and she did’t go to the spa. She did however, take a long shower and pleaded with God that she wouldn’t lose him. She walked up and he was sitting at one of the tables on the patio. He greeted her with the same grin he had the moment he met her and stood up and gave her a breath taking hug and smooch. He then looked at her and with curious gentle eyes and he simply asked “What’s wrong, love?”. All that had been building up in her poured out to him. As she melted into his arms sobbing she told him the truth, the decision she made and she knew it was over. But, to her surprise he looked at her and proceeded with many questions just as she thought but there was no anger in his voice, body language or affection. He didn’t want to leave her, abandon her, but he wanted to listen.

The moment she had made the decision, she knew it was too late. But what she didn’t know was that too late doesn’t always mean you have to lose everything.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

It's amazing to me how easy I am willing to stress about the nonsense that the world brings that I often forget about the joy of the moment. Recently the stress and anxiety that I have encountered has come from a situation that I have never faced before. The stress and anxiety I get is from the stupidest smallest scenarios that have absolutely nothing to with that situation. There has been a lot of ups and downs. I find that my threshold is lower than normal.

It took my mother and a good friend close to me to point it out that it's ok to be a mess. That I have been through a lot and I need to take a hiatus more often than normal and take care of myself. So, I have spent my Saturday afternoon at ease. Restaurants have been my favored location for a while and that is only fun for so long. I have always hated grocery shopping and cooking. I turned my music on, poured a glass of wine and spent two hours in the kitchen and loved every minute of it. It is the first moment in a long time that I enjoyed without a million thoughts flocking my mind every minute. And, dinner was quite delicious!

I have always considered myself a passionate and ambitious person. At times more often than normal, I find it exhausting. Today was refreshing. I could get used to this. I might even start cooking more. Well, we'll see about that.

I am taking from this what I can. I can enjoy the moment and still pursue and think about the future, and run with my imagination. I can try to stop comparing myself to others and beating myself up over where I think I should be. And, know that I have accomplished a lot. I look forward to many moments that captivate my attention keeping me refreshed and strong enough to handle the nonsense that the world brings.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

With rooftops in my view and the cool fan swirling making it breezy and comfortable my mind is once again moving even though I am enjoying the quiet. I stumble upon an old classmate’s blog and decide that it’s high time that I create one. So, here I am at 12:48 am attempting my first post.

I am not somewhere around the world filling in family and friends of my travels (which I am hoping sometime in the near future that will be true for me), but I am here in little german village (Columbus) Ohio learning to enjoy where I am at and the relationships I have. My dreams and ambitions find time to overwhelm me often and I am hoping these blogs will put more things into perspective for me and at the same rate motivate me to push myself further.