It’s Not About Me

The son of someone I work with closely died. His son is 3 months younger than my living son. It ripped me apart on the inside, but on the outside I don’t want to make this about me.

However, selfishly, on the inside it totally is. Even while I’m trying to be sympathetic, even when I’m trying to explain things to other people, even when I’m trying carefully not to assume what he and his family are going through is in any way similar to what happened to me and what I feel.

This pulls the scab off the wound which can never heal.

I don’t want to exacerbate what he’s going through by letting him know how much I’m feeling right now.

I’m doing a lot of crawling away and crying.

It’s about him and his family right now, but it’s always about all our losses too.

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It is so, so very hard to see past my loss when I hear about someone else’s loss. I go straight back to those days and I’ve got no room in me to feel sad for anyone else, except at the most superficial level. I think this is normal for those of us that have suffered such dreadful loss, at least as recently as we have. Perhaps if this tragedy had happened to a coworker ten years down the road you’d feel differently and really be able to focus on him, rather than internalise it, but for now I think it’s totally reasonable. xo

I don’t know how selfish you should feel – grief is complex and it’s hard to separate all the feelings. So, sure, you know that in some ways, it reminds you of your experiences, but there’s also sympathy because you know how horrible your friend feels. And then you’re back to how awful it would be if something were to happen to your living son. And then you think of the lost potential of their son. It’s too much to be ALL about you.

Oh… I don’t know what to say 😦 What a horrible loss for your friend, and I can see how it conjures up old feelings that still remain so fresh. I agree with “A” above – grief doesn’t have one description that fits everyone and it’s hard to separate feelings.

I’m so sorry. It is terribly hard to not go there, to immediately be transported back to our own grief and loss when someone close to us experiences such a horrific loss. Thinking of you and sending love and hope that you find strength in navigating this difficult time