What is a Fuzzball?

One question I hear more than any other is What's a Fuzzball??" Allow me to explain:

A Fuzzball is a 30-year-old fallen debutante who lives in Houston, TX with a bossy dog and an even bossier parrot who she SWEARS is the reincarnation of Napoleon Bonaparte.

A Fuzzball prefers animals to most people, because people can really suck sometimes.

A Fuzzball loves music, ALL music ALL of the time. If she's not listening to it, then she's singing it.

A Fuzzball has a mad love for all things British, especially their actors.

A Fuzzball is blissfully happy in a bookstore, preferably one with good music playing in the background. If you look under a Fuzzball's bed you'll usually find an entire library of books that she has dropped there after falling asleep reading.

Fuzzballs are usually incurable romantics, ridiculously optimistic, and bent on making the world a happier place.

Your typical Fuzzball will probably have a completely bizarre sense of humor. Just go with it, it will take you to funny places.

You should also be aware that Fuzzballs are giant nerds. Seriously. Science fiction, computers, the whole shebang.

Fuzzballs are also budding photographers. They love looking at the world through a lens and finding new ways to be creative.

Oh...and you can also look for a Fuzzball in one of the best movies ever made. ;)

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

If you hang around me or Jeff, chances are you've heard us talking about Angie Dickinson or calling people "magnificent bastards" or some such nonsense. When you ask us what the hell we're doing (and you usually do) we tell you that we're doing our Robert Evans impersonation. That never seems to explain anything, so I thought I'd try to explain it here. :)

Now, to be fair, this impersonation has morphed into a mix of Robert Evans, Will Ferrell doing Robert Goulet, and Will Ferrell doing Neil Diamond on acid....but it all falls under "Robert Evans" for us.

...just don't ask. It's easier if you don't ask.

Just who is this Robert Evans? Well you can read about him here, but I prefer listening to Patton Oswalt talk about him. That's what spawned all of this insanity.

I know, right? Crazy and hilarious! The problem is, we can't stop The Voice. The Voice has taken on a life of its own. I'm worried that our friends will ostracize us and we'll have to choose between them and Robert Evans. I see frenzied late night phone calls where we whisper to each other about a heroin-crazed Brian Dennehy punching us in the solar plexus. I see a Seinfeld episode...

I would just like to point out that others are being influenced by The Voice. At Benjy's last Sunday, my super proper friend Cecile was annoyed by The Voice until she heard the table next to ours complaining that their steak was "not 8 oz. as advertised by the waiter." She leaned over to me and said (IN The Voice!) "I had a young Al Pacino in my trailer and I said to him, 'Kid, that ain't no eight ounces!'"

When I was a kiddo I wanted freckles somethin' fierce, so I'd draw them on. What a nut! Did you have something that you really really wanted when you were a kid? I remember friends of mine fashioning retainers out of paper clips and wearing them around school. Geez kids are weird. ;)

I'm so weird when it comes to my music. Yes, I will acknowledge that I am a music whore, fine. I like what I like, no matter if it's "good" or "cool" or whathaveyou. This is a point of consternation for a lot of my friends who ARE indeed super cool people with super cool taste in music. They don't really understand my love for all things Bryan Adams or my need to spend an entire night reveling in Madame Butterfly or the fact that I can sing the entire score of Les Miserables. Ah well, it's the little idiosyncrasies that make you love me, right? ;)

It's not all bad, don't worry. My all-time favorite band is The Beatles. If you went through my music collection you would be very happy at most of what I own. Most.

So today is a pop day for me. More to the point, it's a current pop day. I'm craving upbeat super pointless happy crappy bouncy dancing music that most people would run from. Well run run run little rabbits, I'm all about me some P!nk, Kelly, Matchbox 20, etc today. Don't ask me why, they just seem to be tickling the right spots for me today. Yesterday at the marathon I was singing snippets from a song that I had heard in a VERY crappy movie. Today I went on iTunes and BOUGHT that song. It's just atrocious and I LOVE it. The band is The Veronicas and the song is, wait for it...."4ever". No, I'm not kidding. That's the name of the song.

Apparently today I am thirteen years old. And I LIKE IT. ;)

P.S. No matter how crappy my musical tastes may be, there are certain bands that I will NEVER like. Nickelback is one of them. Blech.

Now if there's a smile on my face
It's only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you
Now honey that's quite a different subject

But don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
'Cause really I'm sad, Oh I'm sadder than sad
Well I'm hurt and I want you so bad
Like a clown I appear to be glad ooh yeah

Well they're some sad things known to man
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown when there's no one around
Oh yeah, baby baby, oh yeah baby baby

Now if I appear to be carefree
It's only to camouflage my sadness
And honey to shield my pride I try
To cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don't let my show convince you
That I've been happy since you
'Cause I need to go, oh I need you so
Look I'm hurt and I want you to know
For others I put on a show ...

Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the crowd I try
But in a lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown
When there's no one around, oh yeah, baby baby
Now if there's a smile on my face
Don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don't let this smile I wear
Make you think that I don't care

Ugh, that first instinct. That moment when you want to just say exactly what's on your mind, no matter the consequences. When you're hurt or mad and all you want is to lash out and be ugly, or when you're all goofy-dizzy and you just want to yell out all of the mush inside of you. I can't tell you how often I've typed out an email or a Twitter and then deleted it almost immediately. If I emailed/Twittered my every thought...wow, I imagine that my life would be in a fair amount of disarray.

I don't think of myself as a passive-aggressive person, so when I have the urge to type something snipe-y because I'm too chicken to say how I really feel, I smack myself. I refuse to be one of those PA people. Either say it or shut up.

Even though I know that it's the right thing to do (believe me) I still hate the twisty feeling that I get in my stomach when I override my instinct to say what I'm thinking. Now, look, don't give me all that bull about being honest about your feelings. If everyone was honest all the time, well, hell. Things would be fucking insane. So, I push it down. Sit on it. Joke.

Let me first say that the 50 things that were on this list were, um, mainly stupid. I can think of a BUNCH of better things to say to men, but that's another post. Hmmm that could be a fun one. Most of this list was a bunch of insulting crap that makes women sound like scheming manipulative lunatics. Hell, if I was a man I'd want to be gay after reading this list.

Having said that, here are the items that made me yell "YES", the items that made me yell "WHAT THE HELL?" and the items that made me want to find the Men's Health editors and punch them out. I've decided to start with the bad and end with the good, mainly because the bad makes me want to throw things and I'd rather end this post on a happy note. ;)

Are you kidding me? Do you think we really care if you drive stick? I'm sorry, I think the whole car thing is overrated. I don't care what kind of car a guy drives, as long as he knows how to drive it. Ahem.

28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.

Oh give me a break. What impresses me is a guy that knows when to lead and when to follow. IF you know what I mean ;) Ahthankyouverymuch!

39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.

Yes, I enjoy making you miserable by forcing you to talk when you don't want to. I'm a psycho like that. WTF?? Who WROTE these things???

40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.

Again, give me a break. Most of the people that I know agree that having fun on the plain old regular days is much more important :)

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

Uh, what? I mean, that made the list? That's retarded.

and finally...Hell to the YES. The FEW things that I agreed with:

3. I will leave if you lie.

I mean, it's harsh, but yeah. I don't think I'd be with you anyway
if you were a liar, but I don't really see any reason to stay with you
if you are. Been there, done that. Who's heard the Fake Australian
story, raise your hand! *sigh*

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

It's all about snorgling, baby. Get on it. ;D

8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.

I can't speak for the rest of the ladies, but in my experience, that's true. Now, occasionally you might be the warm-up act for Clive Owen, but since it's fantasy-you, you never seem to mind.

What? It's fantasy, shut up. :P

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.

Yes yes it's true. I get a stupid grin on my face. :)

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

This one corresponds with #5
on the men's list, in my opinion. I guess both sides want the other to
do the heavy lifting, LOL. Hm. For me, I would say that if you think we
like you, chances are we do. Go with it.

32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.

Oh gads that is SO SO SO SO SO true. Give it a try sometime. Just
reach over quietly and take her hand. You'll see her light up like a
Christmas tree.