This week in White Rap

Attention middle class white males aged 18-28: please stop rapping, listening to rap and, you know what, while you're at it please pay a neurosurgeon to cut out the part of your brain that even thinks it knows what rap is. Then move to a desert island and live out the rest of your lives. For that matter you can skip the first 3 steps - just move to the island.

Maybe you'll impress the natives with your 4-sizes-too-big designer jeans that mommy bought you for Christmas. Maybe you'll wow them with your Airsoft gun. Perhaps you'll even impress them with your "street cred", despite none of them knowing what a "street" even is. You know what? I don't care how you justify it, just do it.

How many definitions of the word "Dope" fit this video? I count at least 3.Oh, wait, I'm sorry. That convinced none of you. Let's try that again, shall we? Ahem:

"Attention middle class white males aged 18-28: please stop rapping, listening to rap and, you know what, while you're at it please pay a neurosurgeon to cut out the part of your brain that even thinks it knows what rap is. Then move to a desert island and live out the rest of your lives. For that matter you can skip the first 3 steps. Just move to the island.

Maybe you'll impress the natives with your 4-sizes-too-big designer jeans that mommy bought you for christmas. Maybe you'll wow them with your Airsoft gun. Perhaps you'll even impress them with your "street cred", despite none of them knowing what a "street" even is. You know what? I don't care how you justify it, just do it HOLY SHIT DUDE IT WOULD BE SOOOOOO IRONIC LOL."

Congratulations America, you are now populated by 3 million less suburban teens who listen to mc chris.

This space-age device is a cardboard box with two holes in it. The operative sticks a hand in one end. The contact inserts a hand in the other end. With both hands shielded from prying eyes, a secret handshake can commence.

About This Column

As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!