When I ride the train, I wonder why and how everyone can feel alone amidst a sea of people. To my surprise, I am not spared from this feeling of disconnection and isolation. Despite the absence of raw emotion, I get depressed every other day (literally!). I feel worthless, useless…

I recently attended an acting workshop. When the director told us to get angry and hate someone, I can’t welcome the emotion into my system. I can’t separate myself from the practice of “not reacting to hatred and anger” (detaching from the detached haha) A huge part of me thinks that surrendering to emotion is weakness and immaturity. I know when I’m depressed and I feel it in my bones; but people don’t see it, without any attempt to conceal it.

I recently found out that my friend keeps secret blogs. Upon showing me one, it was so “not her.” It was her only channel of sadness (and everything on that side of the spectrum). I wonder why it has to be a secret. But I know that me and my friend are not among few.