It was a New Month…

I’m so sorry for not posting in a while, but, a little will be explained here…

We never go on holiday (especially as a family) which I truly have never minded, as our Animals most certainly come first.

The most I’ve ever experienced over the years is overnight in Cardiff, or a couple of days away in Scotland with my Mum – abroad has never been on the cards.

Whilst this still hasn’t changed, with everything that has happened – this year especially – I truly was in desperate need of escape. A change from the daily loop of despair, struggles and blackness.

My parents know of my desire to move out, as well as my need for a break – to just get away from everything. So, September 31st, I booked a beautiful little cottage for my Mum, Myself and Lana (of course) for 3 nights in Cornwall….for the very next day!

October 1st!
I felt with it being a new month, as well as a new week (I love when the 1st is a Monday, it’s so neat and tidy!) it was the perfect opportunity for a break, a fresh start, a stop to the patterns that have developed through my OCD.

Nervous and feeling sick beyond belief, whilst booking – and for the rest of Sunday – Mum and myself enjoyed an afternoon at a local event, before picking up some last minuet supplies for our journey (in more ways than it just being a short trip)

8.15 am Monday morning, we were off to catch the 8.50 ferry to Lymington,to start our drive down to Cornwall.
We stopped at various places on the way to explore – such as the stunning Castle Drogo – to enjoy the time and have a leg stretch too!

Arriving late that afternoon at our home for the next 4 days felt amazing – despite not being able to get in for a while due to a slight mix-up!

It truly was so beautiful and peaceful.

The following day – Tuesday – we set off early, heading to the Eden project (which wasn’t as great as we thought/hoped, but, still lovely) as well as seeing many other places in the surrounding area.

Wednesday saw another early start – of course – in which we were heading to Lands End!
On-route, we stopped in Turo, visited St Michaels Mount, plus a whole host of other incredible places.
Finishing off in St Ives, we purchased a few gift to bring home, before beginning our hour drive back to the cottage.

Although a little surprised we were quite so far away, I was so proud that I didn’t panic about the time, as we wouldn’t be getting back until gone 7pm (2 hours after our usual dinner time)

Thursday morning – home day!
Damn! It went so quickly!

We set off very early, being on the road by 7.30am, wending our way back to reality, leaving behind the beautiful landscapes and amazing places that the mist made look like a fairy-tale.

Again, we stopped several times on the way – including the absolutely stunning Tavistock, as well as Lyme Regis, where Mum bought me the most beautiful necklace as a reminder of our little holiday.

I felt amazing to be away from home!
I knew as soon as we left, I didn’t want to return.

I didn’t struggle with anything as such – yes, a little anxious about cleanliness (with it being someone else’s property) – as well as getting ‘stuck’ with my OCD a few times.
But, there was no patterns, strong feelings of ‘have toos’ and no real worries – Mum was keeping me safe.

My time away, I truly did feel like a different person. I felt like ‘ME’ again, the one who is lost within this grip of mental illness.
Yes, food was still a slight fear and my desire to be active didn’t diminish, but, I was laughing, chipper, making jokes, chatting…and didn’t cut myself once!

But,
Upon returning home, nothing had changed!!
Everything was exactly how we left it – and I mean exactly!

This got to me – badly!
I was in tears.
I thought things would feel different, be different, look different – but no!

If anything, since returning home, everything – the OCD, my struggles with ‘doing enough’ and with food has just seemed to increase.

I just want to be happy.

I want to be the girl I was in Cornwall.

It truly was the best few days I’ve had in a very very long time – to which a huge Thank You to my amazing, kind and beautiful Mum must be shouted, as she seriously did make each and every day as jam-packed, fun and stress free for me as she possibly could.

I love you so so much Mum, from the bottom of my heart!

I’m not too sure as to the direction to go now.
My desire to move out has only strengthened a little, so, I guess that’s the next step for me now…right? Is that what I want?

I’ve a few things lined up which I can only see helping towards my goal, but, everything truly has gone extremely down hill – and so fast again…I’m truly not coping at all again…

I’ll be sure to speak about this very soon – and I do thank you all so much for still reading.

But, until then, just a few photos (I look literally hundreds) of our Mini Holiday…

So happy you had a lovely time with your mum. I also commend you for being so open about your feelings. Sharing gives you the opportunity to think about them in a new light. I always told my children that wherever you go you take yourself with you. Learn to love yourself and realize what an extraordinary talent you have. That’s the hard part.

Thank You Helen – we truly did have such a wonderful time. Thank You, that’s really kind. I don’t know what to say, just, Thank You, again, for your support. It truly is the most difficult thing to do – I don’t know how it’s all gone so very very bad again… and after such a lovely time in Cornwall.

Thank You so much and for your wonderful nomination – that’s so incredible and very kind of you and truly means a lot to me, Thank You! I’ve missed speaking with you too. I’m afraid not, I’m in hospital at the moment – not at all sure for how long this time. I’m very frightened to be honest. I hope to blog about it soon, but it’s all rather difficult at the moment. Thank You again for your continued support and friendship. It truly does mean the world to me! Speak again soon.