Thursday, February 05, 2009

It never ceases to amaze me that every time I think you can be no more cretinous, you manage to produce an act of such staggering moronity that even Russell Brand would pause.

I remain enormously impressed that even after well over a year of instruction, training and documentation, you still retain precisely no clue about the nature of your duties or the actions you should be taking.

For future reference, calling me at 0200 about a minor FTP issue and starting your conversation with, "I know $COMPANY is outside supported hours, but. . .", is unlikely to do a great deal either for my politeness quotient or for your long-term survival prospects.

Is this some new initiation rite for Helldesk engineers? 'Ring the most sarcastic on-call engineer, in the middle of the night, with a pointless, inane and unsupported query and see if you live'? Is this an assisted suicide bid? Do you actually want to have a life expectancy that makes Jade Goody's seem like Methuselah?

It's well-known that I can kill with a well-aimed epithet. My vitriol has a blast radius so damaging that the Israelis use me instead of white phosphorous. And yet you persist in keeping your brain firmly disengaged before deciding to phone me at stupid o'clock.

I have threatened to set you on fire before, but clearly that hasn't been sufficient warning, you Transylvanian twat. Therefore, please be advised that I intend to hunt you down - and set you on fire by rectally inserting the thermite.

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