Tuesday, August 26, 2008

If I Ruled the World

If I ruled the world, the public restroom situation would be vastly different.

First, I would create a manual on proper bathroom etiquette. Chapter headings would include:1. Knock first then enter2. Choosing a stall: Love thy neighbor from a distance3. Come, Go, Don't Tarry4. The magic of flushing5. Washing hands: It's not just for employees anymore6. The trashcan: Now accepting trash!

Second, I would require the people of the world to pass written and practical exams to gain access to public restrooms. Licenses issued with scores of 90% and higher. Highest marks given to those with distinguished essays on the prompt, "'If you sprinkle while you tinkle, be a sweetie, clean the seaty.' Discuss."

Third, I would fast track the 'Automatic Seat Covers on Every John' initiative.

Fourth, I would declare separate bathrooms for all drunken sorority girls. These special restrooms will be maintained by their patrons and quarantined from the rest of the world.

Fifth, the maximum gap between stall door and stall wall would be reduced to 1cm. Maximum distance between door and floor would be whatever gap a precocious 2-year-old cannot squeeze through.

Sixth, children must be accompanied by adults. Same goes for many grown men.

Seventh, public restroom soap manufactured by Bath & Body Works and Bath & Body Works alone. Current green goo soap to be researched at Area 51.

What think you, World? Are you prepared to vote me in as supreme ruler? If you choose not to vote for me, I will, of course, humbly abandon my ambitions (c.f. Mugabe, those delightful Castro boys, and Stalin.)

I applaud your platform and second the nomination - actually, I nominate you AND second you, for Primary Outhouse Officer, or POO, for the Department of Waste Etiquette. I also completely agree that space between doors and walls be minimized. I've seen gaps that could accomodate 747's.

Is the thing about precocious young girls squeezing under stall doors a reference to an experience of yours, or are you just particularly adverse to brilliant kids spying on your tinkle time (as opposed to average ones?)

While I'm opposed to both, I speak of a particular instance in which a tiny tot with particularly good verbal skills started a conversation with me under the stall door. I was impressed by how well she spoke at such a young age, but I thought her discretion could use a bit of development.