You always hated Christmas; you could not abideAll that festive frivolousness, ate you up insideYou never did see the point of a tree, all those little lights twinklingYou epitomise humbuggery; meanwhile spirits sinking

Oh ho ho, this year you're not here to dampen my Christmas cheerI want choirs and angels and snow and sleigh bellsAnd the biggest f*ck off treeOh, this year, I've made a cake with a marzipan reindeerI'll sing and dance and wear novelty pants 'Cos there's no one to please but me

You always hated Christmas, well that's what you told meMaybe it was easier to Scrooge than to agreeYou'd rather stick pins in your eyes than sing noelMaybe you should stick to your guns, you do that so well.I never did see the point of your spleen and now I couldn't care less'Cos me and the elves can take care of ourselvesWe wish you the season's best

Oh ho ho: this year you're not here to dampen my Christmas cheerI want lords a leaping and promises keeping - and did I mention the treeAnd oh, this year, I've made a cake with a marzipan reindeerI'll sing and dance in those novelty pants'Cos there's no one to please but me.