Susan McDonald: When the going gets tough, real friends stand by you

Sunday

Nov 10, 2013 at 12:01 AM

They say you find out who your friends are when life gets tough. Like country singer Tracy Lawrence sings about breaking down in the middle of nowhere and needing a ride:“You find out who your friends...

They say you find out who your friends are when life gets tough. Like country singer Tracy Lawrence sings about breaking down in the middle of nowhere and needing a ride:

“You find out who your friends are

Somebody’s gonna drop everything

Run out and crank up their car

Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think ‘What’s in it for me?’ or ‘it’s way too far’

They just show up with their big old heart

You find out who your friends are.”

Unfortunately, it’s a lesson many of us have to learn the hard way.

My adult daughter found it out when a relationship broke up recently and the other individual involved offered a few untruths about the reasons. While the end of a cherished romance stung, the fact that one friend not only believed the untruths but commiserated with the other person to broadcast them was stunning. The despair over that betrayal was even more crushing.

“How could she do that? She’s my friend,” my daughter asked.

The answer is real friends don’t.

Real friends know you — the good and the bad — and will defend you to others, not commiserate with troublemakers at your expense. As Leo F. Buscaglia said, “Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.” Friends don’t play games with each other’s emotions, don’t lie, and don’t pretend to be there.

Real friends, as Lawrence says, are always there to help or lend a comforting shoulder or compassionate ear, no matter what time or how much they have going on at the moment. They’ll face your problems for you, and then with you when you’re stronger. They know when you’re weighed down by life and they carry you, sometimes literally.

One of my oldest friends always says, “What do you need?” when I’m sinking. If it’s $20 or a coffee session in the corner of Dunkin’ Donuts, listening patiently while I whine, she’ll give it. That, combined with her brutal honesty, is perhaps her greatest gift to me. She doesn’t rubber stamp my every thought with approval. She listens to them, mulls them over, and gives me an honest opinion, even when she knows I don’t really want to hear it. I’m never too proud to tell her she was right.

She believes in me, as I do in her. Real friends do that — they believe in each other’s goodness, support their goals and help however they can. When I feel like I’ve spent hours working on my crafts and something just doesn’t look right, I send a picture to a friend. Inevitably, I’ll get the honest feedback I need to make it perfect, after she tells me how wonderful it looks.

Another friend says she learned who she could count on after her adult son committed suicide. People she thought were her friends pulled away. Her real friends were there far beyond the wake, even if it was just with a hug and to actively listen, meaning they heard every word she was saying, every fear and regret she may have felt.

We don’t always need our friends to respond. Sometimes the best moments with them are one-sided. They give us a chance to get it all out, which helps us feel better.

I don’t know if I believe the adage that we have friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I know that the beauty of social media allows me to be part of the lives of friends from high school and college, despite the years and miles between us. I know I was better friends with some people when we shared similar interests or life situations — from the days I was a single parent or a soccer mom.

But, I think that those we keep with us, those who will respond when we’re facing public humiliation or character assassination, or those who will get into their cars to pick us up on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, those are our friends. The others are just people we are friendly with.

It’s really hard to lose a real friend. It just takes us time to figure out who they are.