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Review:

ANP says:Hey, this is a well thought out story and fairly well written. I think it could use a thorough proofread though. There are a few typos(not that many actually) but quite a lot of tense confusions. In the previous chapter you use "I said" a couple times which is confusing and distracting from your story. Another example is, "Sure. Mark said, smiling and heading for breakfast." it just sounds a little awkward.

I like reading out-loud, I find it's the easiest way to pick up on mistakes or awkward sentences without just automatically correcting them in your mind.