My husband is adorable, has all of his hair, and for some unknown reason thinks I’m the cat’s pajamas.

All of my exs are big, fat losers—that’s why they’re an ex. If you happen to be one of my exs and you are reading this…. Hello, and not you. You were great. (But really him too, he was awful too)

While the penalties for stalking can be pretty dicey, there is one type of stalking I approve, condone and practice: stalking your children.

Stalking your kids is even better if you have an equally efficient and effective (read: cray cray) mom stalker just like you. This is where my fav gal pal Coco comes in handy; plus she is a lawyer in case we need any representation while stalking.

Right now our kids are young and the stalking is mainly to observe, swoon, and giggle at how our kids act and react when we aren’t around; however, polishing our stalking skills now will serve us well when they are tweens and teens (shudders at the thought).

If you are new to stalking, no worries! I have compiled five easy steps to make stalking your children easy and fun. Follow along!

1. Timing is everything: Angle your swagger wagon so that you can see them exiting the premise. Three busses on the field trip? No problem, feel free to pull in between those buses in order to “monitor” their speed and driving precision.

2. Spot the targets carefully: At no time do you want to be detected. Stay far away from them as they enter the new location and take your seat far enough away that your cover is not blown. Use human shields if necessary. Are you in the clear? Good! Now enjoy your subjects kids as they engage in fun under your watchful eye

3 Documentation: Secret stalker pictures like this are key. Save all pictures for research and prosperity.

4. Deny all allegations against you: Upon arrival of pickup, if one Miss Chatty Cathy tries to out you by saying “I saw you today” quickly answer “No, no, no silly girl,” knock over the rack of dress up clothes to distract her, and run away.

5. Reward Yourself on a Successful Mission: If all of the steps are successful, make a quick getaway to Starbucks for a grande, skinny caramel macchiato and a muffin. You’ve done well, lady.

Stalking is usually frowned upon in most circles, but it’s embraced around here. So until they have GPS devices installed in kids’ underwear…wait do they have GPS panties? Ohhhhh I am claiming this brilliant idea now: GPS undies ™ I’m going to make a fortune!

Let me revise, until GPS undies ™ are on the market, my secret stalking missions will continue. If we see each other out on our next “outing” just give me a little nod, I’ll know why you are hanging around the shadows.

When my son’s chi chi preschool informed me that in order for him to keep his spot in school for the fall he needed to attend the summer session, I was livid, furious, irate! How dare they take away precious summertime with my boy of long days at the pool, running wild at the splash park, and frequent trips to the beach. How dare………oh wait, they’re going to have pony rides and trips to a petting zoo. Dang, can I go?

The summer calendar the school’s activities looked way better than me filling up the water table 375 times in one morning. Plus the kid would probably be sick of my face by mid-June. So I conceited and sent him on his preschool way.

I knew the kids were going on field trips this summer, but Mommy Brain struck again because I never thought about the logistics of how the group of three and four year olds would actually get to the field trip destinations. Obviously they would load all of the munchkins on a HUGE yellow bus. You know the kind of bus that doesn’t have seat belts. The same buses that are involved in 26,000 accidents a year, but who’s counting?

My sweet little boy! How could I let my three year old on a bus? He won’t go! He will be terrified!

I need to prepare him because if I know anything, it’s my boy.

Days before the trip and all the way to school that day, I reminded him he would be riding the big yellow bus with his friends. They would go see a puppet show and have lunch at the theater. And when he gets off the bus, Mommy would be waiting for him. And I bet Mommy will have a treat. Yes, a treat.. ice cream. Lots of ice cream…

Walking to his classroom on the day of the field trip, I was still chanting over and over “you’re going to go on a big bus today! Won’t that be amazing?” Before we made it very far, a teacher told us to just head out to the buses because they were ready to leave.

I can’t do that! This boy is a man of routine and he doesn’t like when things change.

He will be terrified and burst into tears if I walk him over to the bus and then leave!

This isn’t how it was supposed to work. No, no, no!

I was supposed to drop him off in his class, like usual, and run out the front door.

This will be a disaster!

We walked up to the big yellow bus, he let go of my hand, and stood in line with his class. What the…? Wait, what just happened? That little traitor didn’t even look back. No tears. No hesitation. Just a big goofy grin and off he went to wait in line with his classmates all decked out in their blue school shirts.

If there is one thing I know. it’s my boy. And if there is one thing that will continue to surprise me, it’s my boy