Behold the wrath of the Aggie Demonswine

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I Don’t Want to Be Insensitive Here, But…

It’s gotta be tough to be a fat guy. By no means am I a marathon runner, but I can’t imagine what’s it’s like to be so big that people marvel at your size. I think our society embraces fat people and to some extent even promotes fatness as “beautiful” for those who just seem to “be that way.”

We’ve had fat leaders. President Taft was sportin’ close to 350 of the most powerful pounds in the world, and was referred to as an “American bison”, although a “gentle and kind one”.

Admittedly, I’ve got some mighty fatty fats in my incredibly strong family tree (strong to hold up the heft). I had a great aunt that was well over 300lbs and my dad had a cousin who was well over 400lbs. This guy was a police officer, which always made me feel safe in his presence. The guy would lose his breath trying to get out of a chair, but he kept the mean streets of Sulpher Springs, Texas, safe with his wirey sidearm and terrible bologna sweat.

This Saturday night, the east side of Kyle Field will be rocking with the yells and high-pitched glotteral hollers of Aggie students. Some will be drunk and most will be horny, but all will get to watch Mark Mangino, the coach of the Kansas Jayhawks, roam the sidelines and possibly puncture the field with his massive feet. Once a rolling punchline for football fans, The Mighty Mangino has run the Jayhawks to a perfect record so far this season and looks to revive the chatter around Texas for Dennis Franchione’s job. My question for the hordes of HSJ fans out in cybersexspace is this: How effective is the fat coach? Let’s take a listen…

Mark Mangino – He’s only one of five D-1 or whatever they are calling it this year football coaches who didn’t play college football, including our very own almost fat coach (in comparison, of course). Mangino, up to this year, has had trouble pulling his own weight (HA!) as the Jayhawk’s head coach but it looks like he’s turned them around. Many will recall the incident from the season opener when Mark was so upset at one of his players that he cursed him out on the sidelines and threatened to eat him. At some point over the weekend, our very own King Puppy will be drunk enough to put his Mangino-lantern on his head and dance around like a wild injun for our entertainment. We may throw snackcakes at him as he dances…not sure how that’s going to work. Overall Head Coaching record: 32-35

Charlie Weis – I hesitate to make too much fun of the Notre Dame coach as he really can’t help his fatness to some extent. He attempted gastric bypass surgery back in 2002 and nearly died on the slab. He tried to sue the doctor and/or hospital for almost killing him but lost his case back in the summer. No word on whether or not he comforted himself with Rice Krispee treats and a big bowl of butter. Overall Head Coaching record: 20-13

Phil Fulmer – The Tennessee coach has been with the volunteers since 1980 and is known as a light-out recruiter. He’s won one national championship, although couldn’t pull it off with Payton Manning at the helm. Tennessee has sorta sucked over the past few years, but he’s still amassed an overall Head Coaching record of 141 – 44. Not bad for a big fella.

Ralph Friedgen – They call this guy “The Fridge” around the U of Maryland campus. He sorta matches the school mascot as he looks like a turtle. It’s hard for me to rip on the guy because I think he’s a helluva coach, although his fatness has seemed to get the best of him since 2004. He had a fair season last year at 9-4 (that’s a championship season per Fran) but this year is barely coaching over .500 football. Overall Head Coaching record : 54 -27

I’d keep going, but honestly I’m starting get get a little nauseated….Good luck this weekend to the dear ol’ Texas Aggies.