I may actually be one of the few people on earth qualified to answer this absolutely pointless question. Time to put my Automotive Engineering undergrad and Masters of Theology to work! Assuming the Son of God walked the earth today, and decided he didn’t feel like walking anymore, what vehicle would he buy based on the characteristics most people would ascribe to this man?

First off, not a Honda Accord despite what the popular meme might claim! I owned an Accord for three years. It was a great transportation appliance, basically a Maytag on wheels. But it was not nearly special enough for a guy like Jesus. We need something a bit less common for him.

He was a carpenter before the whole Savior-of-the-world thing.

The Bible tells us Jesus’ father was a carpenter. In a world where sons followed fathers professionally, that means Jesus needs a vehicle that can haul stuff. Goodbye Lotus Elise, Alfa 4C, and Smart car. You’re just not going to fit our woodworking needs.

Comically small trunk on an Alfa 4C. Definitely not fitting any 2×4’s in there!

He was a genuinely good guy.

1938: Adolf Hitler laying the foundation stone of the first Volkswagen factory… right in front of Ferdinand Porsche. The Jewish Messiah’s probably going to avoid their showrooms.

I’ve yet to meet someone who would argue with Jesus’ goodness. His divinity, resurrection, miracles… that’s debated. But not that he was a genuinely good person. “Love your enemies.” “Turn the other cheek.” “Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.” He followed his own advice so well that later scripture calls him “holy, innocent, undefiled” (Hebrews 7:26). How does that influence car buying? Simply put, I can’t imagine Jesus choosing to buy a brand built by Nazis. Goodbye Volkswagen. You were founded by Adolf Hitler, who personally commissioned your ubiquitous “People’s Car,” the Beetle. And speaking of the Beetle, Hitler had Ferdinand Porsche design it. Yes, thatPorsche. So, goodbye to my favorite brand as well. Now let’s be clear. I’d happily drive a VW hot hatch and almost anything Porsche has ever built. But I’m not Jesus. He took squeaky clean to a whole new level. I just can’t see him buying from a company whose founders posed for pics with the Fuhrer.

He was humble before it was cool.

Six centuries before Jesus’ birth, Isaiah prophesied of Him, “He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him” (Isaiah 53:2). Towards the end of His life He told His followers, “the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve” (Matthew 20:28). In other words, the Son of God did not take on human flesh to drive a Bugatti! Time to cross every prestige brand from our list. Aston, Jag, McLaren, Bentley… let’s just cut all the Brits out. Ferrari, Lamborghini, Pagani… goodbye Italians, you’re too pretty for Jesus. BMW, Mercedes… you weren’t founded by Nazis, but you are too highbrow for the virgin’s son. The same goes for any prestige models from otherwise common brands. Goodbye Ford GT, NSX, Vette, and Viper.

Gold-wrapped Bugatti Veyron – the antithesis of what Jesus would drive.

He was exciting to be around.

We’re told that thousands of men, women, and children sat for days in the hot sun to listen to Jesus teach and to watch him work miracles. And they did that right next to the Sea of Galilee, where they could have swum, walked the beach, or done whatever else passed for “fun” in the first Century. What does that tell us about Jesus? He’s not a Prius man! This guy literally turned the world upside down and launched a revolution that toppled an empire. There’s no boring cars in Jesus’ garage. They are simply not worthy of him.

What we need is something practical, Nazi-free, incredibly exciting to drive, and yet without an ounce of glitz. Ah… Jesus drove a sleeper! Of course, he did. ‘Power without Prestige’ would have been the plaque hanging on the wall of his garage. But what kind of sleeper for the king of kings? Sleeper sedans just don’t have the cargo space to haul a finished chest of drawers. Sleeper SUV’s are still too showy and sinister (looking at you Grand Cherokee). Perhaps a sleeper pickup would do, like a 90’s era Typhoon. But it’s hard to pack a bunch of squabbling disciples in a pickup. What’s that leave Jesus with?

The Son of God would have driven a 2003 Volvo V70R.

I feel sure Jesus would have been a speed-wagon kind of guy. And of all the speedy wagons available, it’s hard to beat this one. Haldex all-wheel drive allows him to negotiate dusty Judean backroads. He can seat five adults comfortably, or kick three out and fit 73 cubic feet of carpentry cargo. He’s got 296 horsepower to clip 60 in under six seconds with the six-speed manual (there’s no way the greatest man who ever lived would drive an automatic, none; of this I am certain). Brembo brakes and Ohlins-designed dampers help him apex everything. And it’s a Volvo. Of course, the savior of the world is going to drive the safest car brand in the world.

Honorable mentions

What if Jesus wasn’t a wagon man? Then I leave you with two additional options. First runner up, a classic farm truck. It’s not a particularly exciting vehicle to drive. But it is humble, simple, rugged, and you can repair it on the side of the road. The disciples would have to ride in the bed, but it would still beat walking the desert roads of Judea. I don’t know why, but of all the available farm trucks out there, I picture the Son of God piloting this 1958 Ford F-100.

Second runner up, a minivan. Yes, they are the height of uncool. But to most of his contemporaries, so was Jesus. Plus, they have those miraculous sliding doors that open at the press of a button when you’re carrying twelve baskets of miracle left-overs. Of all the minivans out there, I’ve chose a rare one. There is, in fact, only one of them. But, then again, Jesus was rare, too. So, if he preferred minivans, maybe he would have taken this 1000 horsepower Bisimoto-tuned Honda Odyssey. Yes, it’s a manual transmission minivan that will do unlimited burnouts. Imagine a 6-speed in a minivan!! He could nonchalantly drop your kids off at school and then outrun the hounds of hell.

Thanks for reading. As always, comments, likes, and contrary opinions are welcome and appreciated. But please don’t flame me about the VW and Porsche comments. It’s all meant in jest. A pic of a Porsche 911RSR is the only car currently hanging on my dream wall!

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Published by revsgarage

A mechanical engineer and automotive enthusiast who somehow became a reverend, I'm an avid grease monkey and wannabe race car driver who finds solace in the garage from the chaos of raising elementary-age twins.
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