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Are you a heathen? Do you wish to repent your sins? Well, you probably won't be able to do any of that with the help of this dictionary, but it can help you add some more Christ into your Christianity.

If you've always wanted to talk like Jonathan Edwards or that smuck, Joel Osteen, then here's your chance!

Pat Robertson tackles lexicography and challenges your religious views in this dictionary (or shouold we say Christianary!) of biased terms that every Republican Christian should know if they want to get into heaven in "Pat Robertson's Christian Dictionary: Volume One" (God forbid if another volume is ever released).

So crack open your mind and the book. And remember, when in doubt, prepare to burn in hell!

abortion[uh-bawr-shuhn] (noun) - downright murder; the killing of babies by ripping them from the warm confines of their mother's womb, and then savagely using them for stem cell research, which in itself is nothing more than Nazi-witchcraft.

Synonyms: murder, sin

Antonyms: hospitality, preservation

ACLU(noun) - a group of under-funded poor people who work on minimum wage and are a complete abomination to all that has ever existed.

Agnostic[ag-nos-tik] (noun) - a person who claims to be unsure about religion, but they can be sure about one thing: they're going to burn in Hell.

Synonyms: Atheist, sinner

Antonyms: Christian

amen[ey-men, ah-men] (noun/interjection) - a word that should be recited fifty to sixty times a day, unless you look forward to spending the rest of eternity in Hell, in which case, pronounce it backwards ("nema").

Synonyms: Aw, man!, Hey men!

Antonyms: Oooh, men!

anal sex[eyn-l seks] (noun) - the sinful act of inserting one's genitals, fingers, cucumbers, bananas, pickles, dildos, pens, gerbils, or phone antennae up the anus, punishable by AIDS and plenty of other sexually transmitted diseases, which are only a taste of God's wrath for those who partake in such a revolting and purposeless act.

Synonyms: sin, buttsecks

angel[eyn-juhl] (noun) - the spiritual form of any being; any servant or messenger of God. However, in recent years, the word "angel" has been used more loosely, such as in "Angels in America", which is an abomination in itself.

C

Christian[kris-chuhn] (noun) - one who is saved, faithful, and practices Christianity according to the Bible and who will reap their rewards posthumously as they live in the Kingdom of Heaven with God.

Synonyms: enlightened

Antonyms: fucked

"Hammer and pickle"? That's the best you could come up with? Looks like a tampon.

communion[kuh-myoon-yuhn] (noun) - a false sense of friendship or relationship with fellow Christians or the church.

Communism[kom-yuh-niz-uhm] (noun) - a form of government that made McCarthy's blood boil.

crucifixion[kroo-suh-fik-shuhn] (noun) - the way in which Christ died, which primarily consists of hanging from two large pieces of wood after having your hands or wrists and feet or ankles nailed into the wood itself. This is considered ironic because Jesus was a carpenter.

Example: "Man, did you Gibson's portrayal of Christ's crucifixion? That movie was H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!"

D

damnation[dam-ney-shuhn (noun) - the fullest extent of God's wrath, which is reserved for Hindus and other polytheistic heathens.

divine intervention[di-vahyn in-ter-ven-shuhn] (noun) - when God interferes in everyday life, which is always considering he made the Earth and everything we know of today. In retrospect, nothing separates divine intervention from reality.

E

evolution[ev-uh-loo-shuhn] (noun) - a biological theory that has only been proved on the microbiological level, which was originally proposed by an Atheist; it attempts to erase our faith with "facts".

F

Example: "I've never gone fag burning, but I hear they smell like lavender when they burn."

feminism[fem-uh-niz-uhm] (noun) - a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.

Synonyms: bra burners, butch dykes

Antonyms: housewife

flag burning[flag burn-ing] (noun/verb) - the act of burning a flag. Burning any flag, other than the American flag, is acceptable.

G

global warming[gloh-buhl wôrm-ing] (noun) - a theory of lies and exaggerations which happens to be a crock of shit.

Synonyms: heat, sunburn

Antonyms: cold, global colding

God[god] - see Pat Robertson.

H

hate[heyt] (noun/verb) - an emotion which is commonly applied by God. For example, God has an utter hatred towards gays, liberals, non-Christians, feminists, and any other unmentioned minority group in this country. Ignore all that stuff Jesus said about disregarding the emotion of hate and embracing the sinners.

Example: "You know John? I fucking hate that guy. I heard he pissed in the office coffee filter."

Synonyms:spite, abhorrence, justice

Antonyms:love, adoration, pansy

Hell, next exit.

Heaven[hev-uhn] (noun) - God's kingdom, and a place where only the righteous can go. And by the righteous, I mean only those who God likes.

K

L

love[luhv] (noun/verb) - an emotion which is mistaken for sex 90% of the time.

Synonyms: quickie, intercourse

Antonyms: marriage, commitment

leg press[leg pres] (noun) - an exercise routine which I have mastered; I can leg press 2,000 lbs. No shit.

Example: "I heard Pat Robertson can leg press 2,000 lbs. I want to have his babies."

leukemia[loo-kee-mee-uh] (noun) - God's punishment for all of the homosexuality on Earth.

Example: "Tom's not gay, but I heard he got leukemia. Oh well. Maybe if there weren't so many gays on Earth, Tom wouldn't have gotten leukemia. I hope the gays have learned their lesson and they won't be gay anymore. Damn those gays...I really liked Tom too. Should we send him a card?"

M

man[man] (noun) - the dominant gender in every society, and rightly so; the only gender that deserves suffrage.

marriage[mar-ij] (noun) - a RELIGIOUS union between two people of the OPPOSITE gender. Sure, two Atheists could get married under no religion what-so-ever, thereby making contemporary marriage solely a legal and emotional companionship, but...umm...

R

religion[ri-lij-uhn] (noun) - there is speculation as to what exactly can be defined as "religion". In my perspective, Christianity is the only religion, so we'll leave it at that (we don't want to offend anybody now).

Example: "I heard Tom found religion, but the sad part is, he's still got leukemia."

Rapture[rap-cher] (noun) - when God decides to end the world and calls all of the saved Christians up to heaven. Everybody else gets to live through the Apocalypse.

Example: "This helmet? Oh, it's for the Rapture."

repent[ri-pent] (verb) - a futile attempt to redeem one's sins.

Synonyms: sucking-up, kissing ass

Antonyms: responsibility

S

salvation[sal-vey-shuhn] (noun) - avoiding Hell by being scared into acting appropriately and abiding the Commandments.

saved[seyv-ehd] (adjective/verb) - when you accept Jesus Christ into your heart as Lord and Savior, and thus become incapable of self-thought.

sex[seks] (noun) - when a man puts his penis inside of a woman's vagina, or something like that.

sin[sin] (noun) - what gets you in hell. It may not be illegal, but it goes against God. Sins vary, from voting Democrat to not going to church.

sinner[sin-er] (noun) - one who sins and can look forward to spending eternity in Hell.

T

tribulation[trib-yuh-ley-shuhn] (noun) - a seven year period in between the Rapture and the Apocalypse in which the Antichrist will rule the world. All will be well until Star Trek is canceled, then all Hell breaks loose (literally). Oh, and the 700 Club will be canceled long before this though (sometime after the Rapture).

Charles Taylor[chahrlz tey-ler(noun) - currently exiled; former Liberianwarlord tyrant who now faces trial for war crimes. I deeply admire him.

Example: "Charles Taylor sounds like an American name. He ain't Liberian."

Ten Commandments[ten kuh-mand-muhntz] (noun) - a list of ten commandments that must be abided by in order to achieve salvation, originally given to Moses by God on two stone tablets. Unfortunately, the original two tablets were used as anchors on Noah's Ark. They were reportedly swallowed by a large whale that swam under the ark.

W

Wetbacks? Possibly.

wetbacks[wet-baks](noun) - politically correct way to address a group of people of Latino descent.

Example: "Hey, wetbacks! I locked my keys in my car. Can you help me out here?"

Wiccan[wik-uhn] (noun) - a person who practices Wicca and is essentially a witch.

women[woom-uhn] (noun) - the recessive gender in society today; diet mostly comprises of Midol. Their role in society has been insignificant as suggested by the fact that they are made out of dirt in the Bible.