Three Outlandish E3 2016 Predictions That Will Blow Your Mind

It’s Saturday, the day before the E3 press conferences commence. Anything could happen within the next few days. That is why I have taken it upon myself to predict exactly what is going to happen on the E3 stage in the coming days. There is a zero percent chance that these predictions don’t come true. So let’s get started.

Imagine this scenario on Monday morning:

You’re ready for E3 to begin. Depending on your timezone, you either have cereal or a bag of chips sitting in front of you. You’re logged on to Twitch.tv and waiting for the Microsoft press conference to commence. The correspondents on the stream say it’s time to begin. The video fades to the conference room. A video plays on the large screen. It’s a video showcasing various Xbox franchises in a montage that is predictable, yet still welcome.

Halfway through the video, the screen freezes. The music freezes. The screen goes black. A video of Phil Spencer staring intensely into the camera appears. His eyes aren’t eyes. They are red rings…? Red rings… of death. The screen goes black once again. The song Ante Up by MOP plays on the speakers. As the hook comes in, a man in a Crash Bandicoot costume rises onto the stage on a slowly levitating hidden platform. The crowd goes wild.

“Crash Bandicoot only on the Xbox One” appears on the screen in large letters. The crowd gets louder. But then Crash Bandicoot removes his head. It’s Hideo Kojima.

“Thank you for coming to the Microsoft conference” Hideo says in a very Japanese accent. “The last six months have been difficult. I’ve had various experiences with multiple companies and none of them felt like home. Today, I have found my home. I’m proud to announce that I am now working on a new exclusive title for the Xbox One.”

There are rumblings in the audience. Confusion, shock, and disbelief are obviously present in the room as the camera pans across different members of the audience. Kojima leaves the stage but before he does, he says the words “one more thing.”

A video appears on screen.

“Hey guys, I’m Jackie T here with Gabe Newell. We want to cut to the chase and show you guys the launch trailer for Half Life 3. Out now exclusively on Xbox and PC.”

The trailer plays as people in the crowd are literally sobbing and calling their mothers.

The trailer ends and then the following graphic appears on screen:

Nintendo X Xbox

Imagine this scenario on Monday evening:

Mark Cerny graces the E3 stage with his presence. Picks up a microphone on a stand towards the middle of the stage and says these words:

“Knack, Knack”

There is an awkward silence in the crowd that lasts for about 2 seconds but feels like an eternity. One audience member realizes what is happening and yells loudly:

“Who’s there?”

“Knack” says Mark Cerny in a voice that is both gentle and confident. The audience responds:

“Knack who?”

Mark Cerny cracks a half smile and responds:

“Knack 2.”

Half of the audience dies, the other half immediately buys a year long subscription for PS Plus and preorders PS VR just off of principle.

Imagine this scenario on Tuesday morning:

You’re watching coverage of E3 on your preferred Twitch channel (in this case, we can say Kinda Funny Games). Greg Miller is in the middle of interviewing Cliff Blezinski about some controversial comment he made on Twitter. The interview is light-hearted, yet Cliff seems to be jokingly defensive about his comments. Suddenly, all of the lights in the conference center shut off.

“KEVIN?” Says Greg Miller in an attempt to make light of what seems to be a power outage.

All of a sudden the stream cuts off. Twitch redirects you to a video feed that takes up the whole web page. The video is just the head of Reggie Fils-aime. Epic music plays in the background.

“We’ve done you wrong, but today, Nintendo is about to rectify that” says Reggie in a voice that seems larger than life.

The feed transitions to a seemingly live video of Shigeru Miyamoto drinking coffee by a fireplace. He says calmly in Japanese but the voiceover is in English:

“Today, we are going to finish what Satoru Iwata started.”

The music stops. A feed of a presumably prerecorded video of Iwata is shown. It seems to be a Nintendo Direct recorded a long while ago.

“Thank you for joining us. By the time you are watching this, I can’t be sure of the status of my health. But before I reveal what’s next for Nintendo, I just want to say thank you to you all for making my time with the company worthwhile. You are the reason I do what I do. And no matter what the future holds for Nintendo, I want to let each and everyone of you know how much I love and appreciate you. Nintendo has always been about fun and my years at Nintendo as president have been the most fun I’ve had in my career in games.”

The screen fades to black. You hear Reggie’s voice in the background.

“We know you are excited to see what the NX is. Well you have to wait no longer. Introducing, the Nintendo ThWii”

ThWii appears on the screen in large letters. The feed ends. The world ends. There is a large explosion in the conference center where E3 takes place.