Should You Save Your Friendship?

Most of us have at least one toxic pal. Find out why we tolerate frenemies and when it's time to set yourself free. —Marisa Cohen

Friends are supposed to make us happy, right? After all, unlike family, we get to choose them, so presumably they’re like-minded souls who make our life better. Yet in a Self.com/Today.com poll of 18,000 women, a huge majority of women—84 percent—say they’ve had at least one venomous bud who makes life difficult. Why keep these troublemakers around? Inertia, for one: Eighty-three percent of women say they put up with a trying relationship simply because it feels too tough to end it. Also, “with women, individual friends tend to be intertwined with a larger circle,” says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Toxic Friends. If you snip a single thread, it could feel as if your entire social fabric will end up unraveling. Cutting off a formerly close comrade can also shake your sense of identity, explains psychologist Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., author of The Friendship Fix. “If you have a lot of shared experiences or have known each other for decades, losing an amiga can feel like losing a part of yourself, too.”

So how can you decide if it’s worth salvaging a friendship that causes agitation—but also brings some happiness? Identify the types of toxic friends that may be worth shedding, and discover whether your own difficult pals, flawed though they may be, are keepers.

The top 5 toxic friends

• The narcissist Sixty-five percent of women have coped with an egomaniacal bud, our poll finds.

• The flake Thirty-seven percent have gotten fed up with a buddy who’s reliably unreliable.

Ditch the friendship—or fix it?

That depends on how you feel when you’re with her.

• I mostly feel good when we’re together, although in some situations, I get annoyed or angry.

No one is perfect. If a chum’s quirks drive you nuts, just say so. Here’s a sample script: “I love you, but not when you hog the convo. From now on, I’ll stop you and say, ‘My turn!’ Work for you?”

• When I’m with her, I feel drained or irritable.

“If your get-togethers don’t leave you smiling, think about whether she is bringing out the best in you,” Bonior says. If you always end up engaging in catty gossip, the answer may be no.

Is this a phase, or is it a regular pattern?

• It’s a phase. Things used to be totally great between us.

She could be going through a rough patch that’s affecting your bond. If you share a strong foundation, try saying, “Lately you’ve been acting odd. Are you OK?” That can help you get to the root of the change.

• It’s a regular pattern. Things have felt not-quite-right for as long as I’ve known her.

Why do you continue to stay friends?

• I’ll put up with a lot to avoid a confrontation. I hate conflict!

It may be time to split up. Send her an email, which will let you speak your mind directly and thoughtfully. On the phone, you could lose your nerve or be guilted into a meetup. Try, “I’ve valued our friendship, but right now I can’t give it the energy it needs, so let’s take a break. I wish you all the best.” That may sound harsh, but it will convey the message that you’re serious about creating some space.

• We have a lot of ties. We’re in the same circle, and she knows my family. I know I’ll run into her, and it would be too awkward to face her.

If cutting ties completely would cause too many negative consequences, take a step back by downgrading her to an acquaintance. Continue to be cordial when you run into her, but don’t return her phone calls right away, and don’t make plans to see her.