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Will it be Thomas the Tank or Dora the Explorer? Chocolate cake or vanilla, ice cream or whipped cream? Games or crafts, or both? When planning birthday parties for toddlers, some choices are easy to make (not to mention fun). But when it comes to kids’ birthday party etiquette, you may have more questions than answers. Like how many pint-size partiers to invite. When or whether to open the presents. Or if it’s possible to turn your birthday boy into a gracious host on his big day — in spite of his still-limited social skills. Read on for the scoop on birthday party etiquette.

Do I have to invite the entire class? For pre-preschoolers, the size of the guest list is pretty much guided by personal preference and common sense (more than a couple of kids are probably too many for a two-year-old’s party). But once your child hits preschool, there are a whole lot more kids to consider. And while it may seem like total inclusivity is the expected birthday party etiquette at some preschools, there really are no set rules when it comes to the guest list (though you should avoid inviting most of the kids and leaving out only one or two). You could rely on this tried-and-true formula: Invite the same number of kids as your child’s age (for example, four little guests for a fourth birthday). On the other hand, if your birthday boy loves a crowd or has a slew of close cousins, by all means expand the guest list. Feel bad about leaving half the class out? If it’s allowed, consider bringing cupcakes or decorated muffins to school for an all-access birthday celebration.

How should I hand out invites? If you’re not inviting the whole preschool class, mail or e-mail the invitations instead of handing them out at school.

Do I feed the parents? If you’re feeding little ones, have food ready for the big people too. It’s not only part of kids’ birthday party etiquette, it’s a savvy move — hungry, cranky parents are less likely to pitch in to help. The food doesn’t have to be fancy — pizza or cold sandwiches are fine (keep party safety in mind and make sure you don’t serve anything that’s not safe or appropriate for the small fry to nibble on or sip — you don’t want a three-year-old reaching for a handful of almonds or a glass of wine). You’ll score brownie points with the parents by offering them cake, too.

Should we open gifts at the party? Opening presents after the guests have departed and calm has been restored is perfectly acceptable modern birthday party etiquette — and just plain smart. Why? Because it saves time (gift opening can really cut into a birthday party that’s just an hour or two long) and avoids a lot of potential problems. No dealing with an excited toddler who gloms on to one gift and forgets the others, or the embarrassment from a little one’s honest reaction (“I already have this toy!”), or the jealousy of peers who have no social filters and don’t yet realize that it’s better to give than to receive (“I want to play with that…now!”). Don’t want to trash the gift-opening tradition? Just make sure you practice gracious present protocol with your birthday boy ahead of time — and supervise well.

How can I teach my child to be a good host? You can’t expect two- and three-year- olds to mimic Mr. Manners, especially not once excitement (and noise, and overstimulation) has reached a fever pitch. But it may help to model those gracious manners and that proper birthday party etiquette yourself (wee ones learn best by watching what their parents do). As you greet and thank guests, include him in the interaction (“Hi Luke! Jack and I are so glad you could come to the party”). By about age four or five, your tot should be able to do the greet-and-thank himself — perhaps with some prompting from you. Role-playing the night before (“Let’s pretend I’m Luke and I gave you a present. What do you say?”) will help too.

Finally, it’s never too early to involve your child in “writing” thank-you notes. Toddlers and preschoolers can decorate, draw, or scribble an autograph on a note you write. The more ownership your child feels and the more fun you make this part of kids’ birthday party etiquette, the more likely you will be successful at teaching manners to your toddler.

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