Friday, February 11, 2005

Show Me A Batshit Asshat And I'll Show You A Shit-Eating Cockmaster

I once read that psychologists believe people swear out of a need to feel empowered and in control, but I think that’s bullshit. I swear because it feels good. It’s fun. I’m good at it. And sometimes calling a person rude or narcissistic or misguided doesn’t do justice to his shortcomings the way calling him a shit-eating cockmaster does. It’s a matter of accuracy, not empowerment.

The first cursing I ever remember hearing came from the mouth of my father. It was, as so much cursing is, inspired by a traffic altercation. We were pulling into the parking lot of the Simi 4 Deli when some ditsy bimbo in a wood-paneled yellow station wagon cut in front of us and nearly wrecked our shit brown Ford Granada. My dad, a man you don’t want to piss off, rolled down his window and lit that bitch up, rattling off a prolific string of expletives that forced my mother to cover her ears and my sister and me to giggle uncontrollably in the back seat. That experience was an awakening for me that I put on par with the first time I saw bare breasts.

And so began my life in profanity.

From time to time I call my sister and try out new curse words on her. We’ll talk about the usual gossip and family news and then I’ll say, “OK, I think I have to go now, you fuck-knocker.” If she laughs, that new word goes into everyday rotation. If not, the word goes down the drain the way “shit monkey” and “dickmunch” and “assclown” did.

Certain words are bona fide staples in my profane vocabulary --- words like “batshit” and “asshat” and the reliable “cocksucker.” It’s important to use these words in the proper application. Some are nouns, some are adjectives. You don’t want to call someone a batshit because that’s an adjective and calling them that would be like calling them a moist or a magenta. Therein lies the slippery slope of swearing: use the word correctly or you might sound like an assclown.

Some of the people who read Human Writes have told me they recommend the site to their friends only after warning them that the content is “a little raw.” I take offense to that. It’s not raw. This is how people talk, especially when they’re mad or oppressed or under the influence of near-fatal doses of drive-thru chow. And people always ask me if I talk like this in front of my children. The answer, of course, is yes. “For the fourth time, get in the motherfucking bathtub, shit-for-brains.” “No, dear, you may not watch Barney again because he is a cocksucking purple dipshit.” And so on.

I by no means believe I am alone in my adherence to this strict moral code of cursing. To prove my point, I would like you all to answer the following questions when you leave a comment this weekend:

1. What is your favorite curse word?2. Please use your answer to No. 1 in a sentence.3. Invent a new curse word right now and put it here. 4. Without naming names, say something profane about someone you don’t like.5. Describe a time when you cursed when you shouldn’t have (e.g., in front of your children or your parents).6. Describe yourself in a sentence using at least one dirty word.

Ugh well when I was in a play in Jr.High I got stage fright and forgot all my lines. So I stood there next to this kid who was waiting for me to say my lines. I stared out into the dark audience thankful that the spotlight was blinding me, but also very aware the spotlight was ON ME! So I began to tell my "costar" that Shit I had forgotten my lines and I said shit a few more times and probably a couple other words. Come to find out those little stage microphones pick up EVERYTHING so the VIDEO features me standing there like a douchebag saying shit.

1.Cocksucker is by far my favorite!2.Jesus fucking cocksucker, I hate this fucking place.3. Fuckalicious. 4. She is an evil fucking cunt who probably goes home and picks the wings off of flies.5. Oh shit, I curse ALL THE FUCKING TIME. In front of my kid, in front of my parents. At work is where I get the strangest looks and actually think for a second, 'maybe I shouldn't have inserted the word fuck'.6. I am one sexy bitch with a fantastically perfect ass.

1. fuck2. This day has just been one fucking thing after another.3. fucksandwich4. She's a fucking boring self absorbed bitch.5. While in the theater watching the Passion of The Christ, a guy wouldn't stop talking and I said Jesus Christ shut the hell up! I wanted to die, a sold out theater turned to look at me.6. I am fucking on the verge of a flip the fuck out breakdown.

Trying to meet a deadline, a friend and I were running around like chickens with our heads cut off, totally sleep-deprived, frazzled, and pumped full of caffeine. About 3 minutes pre-deadline, I walked into a room and, seeing this friend and a few colleagues, expressed my feelings in a highly audible way. “Motherfucker! Hooooooly fuck, eh?” The laughter was way out of proportion (since this is fairly typical behavior for me) and louder than expected from the four people I could see. Obstructed from my view, there were about a dozen students writing an exam in the room.

Fuck is definitely my favorite expletive, but I try to restrict its usage in exam settings, unless I’m the one writing (of course). Honestly, this fuckoafish chick often curses when she shouldn’t.

1. Fuckstain.2. That fuckstain just cut me off! (driving or bartender)3. Does dicksnot count? It's more compund that curse, but it IS vulgar.4. Learn to drive, you withered bag of shit!5. That's tough. Maybe when I was talking about politics with my grandmother. I may have said "that fucking illiterate square-dancing cowboy President" once or twice.6. I'm usually as drunk as a fucking hobo with ten bucks in quarters and a pocketful of liqour store coupons.

1. Sonofamotherfuckingbitchshithead, I know it's long but it makes a hell of a point2. That sonofamotherfuckingbitchshithead took my fucking parking place!3. Dickdork, cockmonkey, boobface4. Stupid ass, dickless, asshat mother fucker!5. I said Fuck that in front of my voa voa (not TO her though)6. One cool ass mother fucking bitch, and proud of it!

how obvious am i? fuck. it captures every appeal of cursing in a giant thud.

as you know, i have been trying to give up cursing and so i will not participate in this little fuckfest but let me say that i think you have all captures the essense of cursing in the loveliest of ways. well done you all.

1. fuckinfuck 2. What the fuckinfuck do you think you're doing, ya retard?3. jeezly goddamn. ok, i didn't invent it, it was my great-grampa's, but i've never heard it elsewhere.4. i asked her to turn down her fucking top-40-shit radio and the bitchcunt said no!5. i was driving my nana home from a doctor's appointment and almost rearended the car in front of us. whilst my foot searched for the break, i let out a lovely mix of shitshit!s and FUCKKKKK!s. whoa.6. i am a fucking genius.

This new comment option doesn't show me your post, and I'm a lazy dyke and don't feel like opening another window to see your questions. I'm a "fuck" kinda girl, though.

Worst time, though it wasn't a curse word...One lane was ending forcing cars on the left into the right. Some assrammer wouldn't let me in and purposely sped up to prevent me from doing so. I realize that someone of his nature would find someone of mine "different." So I thought I'd reveal my tongue ring to him, since he'd already noticed the lip ring. In doing so, I used my to fingers (pointer and middle) to put under my tongue (like a v) while sticking it in and out at light speed. Nodded my head and mouthed "yeah, you." Smiled at his wife and as they passed me, I saw his children, whom I didn't see before, throwing tongues back at me, in the same manner. Just let me in next time peckerhead.

First, let me make it perfectly clear that Danny does NOT swear at the kids. Believe me, there would be fucking hell to pay.

1. FUCK!2. What the FUCK were you thinking, dumbass?3. Fuckmonger4. You are a fucking nimwit.5. Can't really think of a good one. I have said damnit in front of Left Handed Power Hitting Son and have heard him repeat it. Not good.6. Fucking Hot Wife

1. this month's: asshat2. "what a fuckin' asshat!" ;)3. sackmunch4. that turd eating, rodent-looking mother fuckin' weasel keeps fucking us up the ass sideways!5. when i was about 6 i called my best friend a "bitch" to her face. she got mad at me and left my house...she took my dress up clothes she was wearing with her. (what a cunt)6. tonight, i am one lazy piece of shit who is too fuckin' exhausted to even brush her fuzzy choppers.

1. FUCKTARD2. Guess which fucktard called me Tuesday night for phone sex?3. CUNTCLIT4. I cannot believe that fucktard had the nerve to call me at midnight Tuesday to ask for phone sex when I hadn't talked to him since Jan. 13th. The stupid fucktard!5. Tonight on the clock at Wally World. Then I apologized over and over and over to my "suck ass stupidvisor."6. Tonight I felt like a fucktard wearing my sandwiched sized name badge at Wally World.

1. Fuck. Obviously.2. Ah, for fuck's sake, would you get your dick out of the yogurt?3. yogurtfuck4. She is the most hideous bitch I've ever met and I hope she contracts a venereal disease that causes her genitals to rot.5. Once when I was really little and just learning about cuss words I once said to a friend, "What the shit do YOU want?" Lost that friend; she was probably embarrassed to hang out with me when she found out I didn't know how to swear.6. I really could suck the chrome off a tailpipe. Fuck.

1. Fuckityfuckfuckfuck2. Oh FUCK, my computer's on fire! FUCKITYFUCKFUCKFUCKIN'FUCK!3. tittylickin' dicktard4. Cheating ass motherfucker, suck my cock. (I'm a chick, makes it soooo much funner to say)5. Well, I don't have kids, but when i was in high school we had call waiting, and I had gotten in the habit, while talking to friends, of saying fuck, hold on, when I got a call. Well, I forgot myself and said it in front of my mom. she could have busted my ass but she just looked at my funny and left it alone.6. I'm a motherfucking Schenkerian Analysis genius (look it up ;) )

1. Ratbastard2. That ratbastard gave me herpes. (I don't have herpes, btw. That's just my disease of the day)3. Dicksmack (Poor yes, I know. I can't think on my feet obviously)4. That selfish fucking ratbastard dickhead is a skanky asswhore with the herp.5. I told my husband to "Get in this house and build me a fire, BITCH!" thinking no kids were around. Instead my 3 year old appeared out of nowhere and said, "Yeah, Daddy! Get in here a build Momma a fire, BITCH!"6.I am one cock hungry whore.

1. Fucker2. Goddam fucker, I'll kick your ass!3. Fuckaluck4. Motherfucking Nazi bitch5. When I was 15, I had a fight with my brother and screamed he was a fucking baby - right next to my mom on the phone with an employer, trying to get me a job...6. Sweet as hell, nice ass, but don't fuck with me

1: Bollocks.2: This comment is a hatful of bollocks - I actually prefer saying fuck.3: Pissmurderer.4: Oh, they're just a fuck.5: When in high school, I asked a friend in an exasperated voice "Why is English Literature so shit?". "Careful.." came the voice of my teacher from behind me. For 14 years now, I've checked behind me before dissing something...6: I talk shit.

1. cheesedick2. look at that asshole; he just looks like a fucking cheesedick. 3. twatsmear4. backwoods, inbred, shit-for-brains, illiterate, camel-faced, power hungry, son of a bitch mama's boy.5. while watching my friend's kid, i tripped over a toy and stubbed my toe. what would come out of my mouth but a resounding 'fuck,' which - of course - the kid would have to repeat to her mother later that evening. bloody brilliant.6. a fucking clumsy, busy-ass nerdy hipster.

1.ok it's not really a bona-fide curse word, but I like it anyway: buttmunch2.Can you believe that buttmunch actually did that in public?3.ballchomper4. He's a buttmunchin' fucktard with hot-wing shit for brains.5.I dropped a whole can of white paint on our brand new carpet. It was covered with a cheap drop cloth and the can poked a whole through and paint got all over. "OH! double eggsucking shit for brains communist SHIT!my 4 yr old, of course, took it to school the next day in spite of my explaining to him only mommies and daddies can talk that way. 6. I am, when adequately inspired, quite the fucker.

1. Fuck, in any form2. Fuck, I'm out of Kix! (I really love cereal.)3. Since my love of 'fuck' goes so far, any swears I make up are usually ridiculous compound-curses such as 'fungusy woodland trollfucker'.4. I wish that pretentious self-absorbed bitch would fall off a fucking cliff and be mauled to death by a mad cow.5. Well, once, I accidentally called my husband a fat fuck and I didn't even mean it... it just came out. For that I should be mauled by a mad cow.6. Sometimes I am just totally batshit.

1. Fuckstick2. Put your fuckstick up, I don't want it right now.3. Assweed. 4. Stupid fucking bitch, as if you thought your grandson was well enough to be around my children.5. When DS was doing a breathing treatment, he found the squirter hose on the sink, and sprayed the whole damned kitchen. I let loose. Ooops.6. She's got really fucking long hair.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! and anything I can stick on the end of it, fuckwad, fuckmunch, fucktard!

I SAID you fucktard, don't take a shit in the downstairs bathroom.

Dickcheesfucker

That dickcheese sucking motherfucker better check his attitude!

When my son was four, the nextdoor neighbor came over and said that if my son didn't stop saying fuck, that her precious little children would not be able to play with him again. I said "what's wrong with that?" JK. Oppps!

1. fuckingest2. That's the fuckingest worst movie she's ever made.3. twat cruiser (not profane enough?)4. Those twat cruisers like to buy women drinks, but only for blondes.5. After Hurricane Andrew, I said I didn't know why my husband was closing the door (raining, electricity and AC were out) because it was so mother-fucking hot in here; I was on the phone to my mom, who for months said she didn't know why her intelligent daughter didn't have a larger vocabulary.6. I'm already so mother-fucking tall that wearing heels makes me that much more bad-ass.

1.I can't take credit for this, but it's always been one of my favorites:needle-dick bug fucker2. That shit-for-brains needle-dick bug fucker couldn't find his way out of a paper bag.3. queefeater (not bad for spur of the moment, huh?)4. not very caustic, but satisfying - ignorant redneck sonofabitch.5. I'm constantly forgetting that my daughter's friends are HORRified at 'hell' - i.e. what the hell was that?6. Not quite normal and LOTS of fun.

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Other Humans Write

Here are actual questions you asked the presidential candidates when they appeared on your show. To Bush: 'Were y'all spankers?" To Kerry: "Did you ever spank the girls?" To Bush: "Did you spank them?" To Kerry: "What did she do to get spanked?" Hey, Dr. Phil, keep it in your pleated pants. [GQ Magazine, Dec. 2004, pg. 372]