If I were the President

In a socio-economically developing country especially, like Nigeria, presidential posturing and actions can weigh significantly on the shape and direction of the national psyche. Alarmed at the engineered polarization of the national psyche and consequent tensions, I sought access to the president’s ears. Extracts of my two hour engagement with the president are shared hereunder.

Me: Good evening Mr President and thank you for your time.

President Jonathan (GEJ): You are welcome and how are things with you?

Me: Things are okay with me sir, business is good, family is fine and I can say that I am enjoying life but things are depressing!

GEJ: You seem to be contradicting yourself or did I not get you clearly?

Me: Sir, it is the same contradiction as that of Nigeria being a rich country with poor people. The pervading atmosphere is that of dejection and anger. You are aware sir, that a volcano can lie dormant ‘forever’ but you don’t tempt fate by going to live nearby and thinking that if it has not erupted all this while it must be in a state of permanent docility.

GEJ: So Goodluck Jonathan is to blame for the dejection and all the angry faces in Nigeria and your volcano?

Me: No sir and you miss the point. It is not about you! It is about Nigeria and Nigerians! All this counter intuitive referencing of every issue to self, tribe or section is plainly diversionary and potentially devastatingly destructive.

GEJ … cuts in… You say it is not about me so let me ask if it is my administration that is now responsible for ethnic rivalry or are we the ones sponsoring the so called ethnic bigots?

Me: No sir but you can play a part in steering us away from that dangerous direction. Your body language suggests that you are not uncomfortable with all the propaganda. Let me assure you sir, that anybody who is discomfited or opposed to your being president on account of your ethnic origin or religion is doing so out of only selfish motives. You will be surprised that because of years of retrogressive feudalism and mis-governance, the illiteracy level in the north is such that a large chunk of the population does not know Goodluck Jonathan or that there is anywhere called Bayelsa! We fought a civil war because the senseless killings by a handful of army officers of Igbo extraction led to senseless reprisal killings of innocent Igbos as if the officers were acting at their behest or with their blessing. This collective responsibility propaganda is dangerous and wrong. The majority of our hapless people do not base everything on ethnicity or religion as some will like us to believe. That is why Nigerians live freely together in all parts of the country and intermarry and do business with so called ‘different’ people from other tribes and have no problems but the locust elite will not let them be, and keep on promoting divisiveness.

Sir, you can steer the national discourse away from every issue being given an ethnic or religious colouration. Human nature is basically selfish and resort to territoriality is all in furtherance of selfishness.

GEJ: So what is your point because I do not see the relevance of all this theory?

Me: I am just making the point sir, that resort to ‘ethnic games’ is like sitting on a keg of gunpowder. Also and has been proven by experts, ethnicity is a major contributory cause for underdevelopment and poverty.

GEJ: Why do you assume that I am naïve and do not understand these things? Of course it is all politics! Okay let me concede that it is food for thought but get to the point of your visit, what of all the advice you claimed to have?

Me: There are three actions you must take immediately which will start the redirection away from the trending impunity, calm the rising national temperature and portray you as a leader.

First make Governor Amaechi irrelevant to our destiny by immediately acknowledging that mistakes have been made in the Rivers crisis by all sides and that those purportedly fighting in your corner should cease henceforth and accord him all due recognition as the Governor of Rivers State and that you also recognise his electoral victory as chairman of Nigeria’s Governors Forum.

GEJ: .. mscheew! Of what importance is Rotimi Amaechi? Or is Amaechi now the solution to Nigeria’s problems?

Me: He is not the solution but you have made him your biggest problem and the Rivers crisis is now a serious national virus. The more attention you pay an enemy, the stronger you make him! All because you did not apply Law 36 of the book- ’48 Laws of Power’

GEJ: My friend you obviously do not know how demanding this job is or you think I have time to read all these books. So what is law 36?

Me: Basically it says ‘disdain things you cannot have: ignoring them is the best revenge’. Your control of Rivers State or the governors’ forum or Amaechi’s respect and support would have been nice but since all proved elusive, you should have disdained them and really what is the big deal about chairman of governors’ forum? A confluence of disparate and mostly unpopular governors with competing egos and selfish conflicting interests, was heading for inevitable irrelevance before you unwittingly breathed life into it. Let me share an illustration of the law as contained in the book – A monkey was carrying two handfuls of peas. One little pea dropped out. He tried to pick it up and split twenty. He tried to pick up the twenty and split them all. Then he lost his temper scattered the peas in all directions and ran away.

I need not say more sir!

GEJ: So I am behind the Rivers crisis or the governors’ forum crisis?

Me: I do not think that discussion is worthy of our time sir and if I may be frank – only a fool will believe otherwise!

Secondly sir, announce the immediate cancellation of any plans for a national conference or if you think this too drastic, announce its postponement in the national interest and for wider consultation.

Mr President this is a meaningless exercise and a waste of valuable resources. Apart from not having any legal or constitutional basis, the modalities clearly show that it is just a charade. If people are complaining of marginalization how are they going to obtain redress, in a conference where some of them will have no representation at all and worse still, decisions can only be taken based on unanimity or 70% approval! This is a recipe for perpetual agitation and more anger. If held, it does not take a soothsayer to predict that it will end in chaos and abandonment. This will not be good for the country and you are better off reverting to your initial posture that there are institutions to take care of the issues and we need to strengthen and build confidence in the institutions so that the problem areas can be addressed meaningfully with citizens having a say in a democratic atmosphere.

In any event and as the first digital president, why not just ask every ethnic and other interest group to collate their positions and send them to a national conference website. Let us have an E-conference instead.

GEJ: Are you being serious, can I possibly do that kind of summersault, because to be honest I never knew this matter will be this complex.

Me: Yes you can – that is leadership and you must know your people now, all those self sponsored protagonists for a conference will jump to your defence and posit that any conference that is not sovereign is meaningless and that it will be preposterous for a constitutionally elected president to convene a conference outside the ambit of the same constitution under which he derives legitimacy!

GEJ: You are very cynical; anyway I have to go now so last point.

Me: You have no friends sir! So if protection of friends is what has killed the fledgling anti-corruption drive, do another summersault. The free-for-all is not good at all and you may not know it but corruption is the greatest turn-off for you administration. Nigerians give a damn about corruption and it is the number one problem of Nigeria’s unfortunate circumstances.

GEJ: Thank you although frankly I was expecting more from you but thanks all the same

Me: Sorry to disappoint you sir but sleep over everything and in any case, Law 22 says that, surrender can be a tool of power – ultimately! So think of the big picture sir and lastly since this is Valentine season and on a lighter note – how is your love life, your Excellency?

GEJ: Thank God it was you that said it is not about me! And we are not in France!

General laughter -There is nothing like waking up from a dream with laughter, as in the case of this fictional chat with a man I have never met.