Karl Rove to Lead Mandatory White House Ethics Refresher Course

Unconfirmed sources report that George Bush’s top advisor, Karl Rove, will lead a series of mandatory ethics refresher courses for the entire White House staff. Previous reports had indicated that the White House counsel’s office would be leading these ethics classes, but our sources indicate the proposed course didn’t measure up to the Presidents standards so Rove was called in. The courses are expected to begin Monday and will probably end five of six months from now.

“I think this is exactly the kind of thing that is going to build back public confidence in the Bush Administration.” Says pundit Michelle Malkin. “The President is seen as ethically challenged right now and having his number 2 man tackling the problem is going to send the right message. The President is serious about countering the perception that he is crooked so having Rove take on the project is a natural move. I’m expecting great things out of these courses.”

“Rove has a big job ahead of him.” Admits White House spokesman Ben Lyon. “We at the White House have always been a little free wheeling with the truth, I’ll admit that. But we are taking the issue head on and with Karl’s expert advice on this matter we should have the whole thing cleared away in just a few minutes. I am very confident that after the course with Karl I’ll start telling the truth.”

Some White House watchers are not so sure Rove is the right man for the job. They say, off the record, that Rove’s continuing legal troubles place him in a position where giving such advice could prove difficult. The one thing that is known for sure is that the President only trusts one man with this type of delicate work. So Karl Rove gets the nod to clean up the worsening White House ethics mess.

One of our secret White House sources, thanks Pudgy, was able to obtain selected parts of the planned ethics training. They appear below in excerpted form:

Incriminating Document Handling Procedures

1. Find all paper copies of document
2. Shred them
3. Burn them
4. Dispose of ashes out the window
5. Erase Hard drive
6. Burn Hard drive(Wayne in Maintenance has a propane torch in his locker #46)
7. Find tape back up of date concerned
8. Shred tape
9. Burn tape
10. Go to sub basement room D8, give “Richard” $100, he will get the second ‘secret’ back up tape. Handle as above.

Personal Communications

1. Never say in an email what you can say over the phone.
2. Never say over the phone what you can say in person.
3. Never say in person what you can say with a nod.
4. Never say with a nod what you can say with a wink.

General Rules

Rule 21- If you can pin the problem on some dumb Private, go for it.

Rule 56- Remember

Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.