Quotes from The Birdcage

Armand: Shouldn't you be holding the crucifix? It is THE prop for martyrs!

Celsius: Chewing gum helps me think.

Albert: Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!

Senator Kevin Keeley: That's just what Rush Limbaugh said!

Armand: You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!... but you keep it all inside.

Albert: You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!

Armand: So this is Hell. And there's a crucifix in it.

Katherine: You were so terrified, it was so sweet.

Armand: I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed!

Katherine: I paid the doorman twenty dollars - twenty dollars, in those days!

Armand: Oh, God. And I thought, "what the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about."

Albert: Don't give me that tone!

Armand: What tone?

Albert: That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.

Armand: You're not a woman.

Albert: Oh, you bastard!

Armand: It's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.

Armand: All right, I'll bite, where are you going?

Albert: To Los Copa.

Armand: Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery.

Albert: I know, that's why I'm packing light.

Armand: Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.

Senator Kevin Keeley: Louise, people in this country aren't interested in details. They don't even trust details. The only thing they trust is headlines.

Albert Goldman: Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!

Senator Kevin Keeley: Louise, I'm the Vice President of the Coalition for Moral Order! My co-founder has just died in the bed of an underage black whore!

Louise Keeley: If necessary, we'll get the Pope's blessing, it's not hard!

Armand: Celsius, look, this may be a drag show, but it still has to be a good drag show, if possible a great drag show.

Albert: Yeah, so just because you're twenty-two and hung doesn't mean that you can...

Armand: Let me do this, Albert.

Armand: Agador, you're gonna have to get yourself a uniform and dress like a butler.

Agador: No! I'm gonna look like a fag!

Armand: Maybe, but you'll look like a fag in a uniform.

Val: Who put Playboy in the bathroom?

Goldman Girl: Leave it, it's what they read.

Val: Don't add! Just subtract!

Albert: Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al!

Armand: Oh, what's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.

Albert: Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katherine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.

Albert: Oh God, I pierced the toast!

Armand: So what? The important thing to remember is not to go to pieces when that happens. You have to react like a man, calmly. You have to say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast, so what? It's not the end of your life."

Albert: No good?

Armand: Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.

Albert: Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so! How 'bout those Dolphins! ... Screaming queen?

Armand: What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman...

Armand: Is Albert here?

Agador: No.

Armand: Great. Then he's driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour with the parking brake on.

Val: My first day at Edison Park, you told me that if Miss Donovan asked what my father does for a living, I should say he's a businessman.

Armand: Well, you were a baby, and Miss Donovan was a small-minded idiot. I didn't want you to get hurt.

Val: I can still get hurt.

Albert: He blew a BUBBLE with his GUM while I was singing. He can't do that while I'm SINGING!

Albert: Oh yes... Coldeman. The "d" is silent in America. It's Cole D'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France, where Armand's chateau is, Cold-e-man in Greece where Armand's work is, and finally the vulgar Coleman in Florida where Armand's home is, so actually, we don't know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!

[discussing abortion]

Albert: Oh, I know what you're going to say. "If you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too." But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?

Albert: My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach. That way, you'll have the best of Florida."

Agador: Armand, why don't you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?

Armand: Maybe we should go to an emergency room, you know, I can get an X-ray.

[grabs him]

Albert: You're overreacting! Don't be such a baby!

[opens door]

Albert: Just sit down on the... AAAAAAAAHH! We've been robbed!

Val: I'm getting married.

Armand: Ohh.

[He covers his face for one second and drinks his wine in 1 go]

Val: It's a girl. Are you upset?

Armand: Let me tell you why.

Agador: Good eve-e-ning. May I take jour purse as usual... or for the first tine?

Louise Keeley: I like its... severity.

Senator Kevin Keeley: She's a small town girl and he's a pretentious European. The worst kind. Him and his Cold' whatever... his decadent china. I've seen this all before. Aristotle Onassis was like this. And all of the French. Especially Mitterand. And the English. Not Margaret Thatcher, of course. But you can't tell me John Major doesn't have something on the side.

Val: I have something to tell you. But I don't want you to get how you get.

Val: Uh... are you upset?

[nods]

Armand: But let me tell you why.

Armand: Oh, God...

Val: I'm getting married.

Armand: Oh...

[face-palms]

Val: I didn't want to tell you over the phone...

Armand: Mmm.

Val: It's a girl, I met her at school, she's wonderful...

[Armand drains his entire glass of wine in one sip]

Armand: First off, you're only twenty.

Val: Look, Pop, I know I'm young. But you've always said I was a very levelheaded guy, and I am. I have job offers, I know exactly what I want my future to be, and I have this incredible role model...

Armand: Oh, please.

Val: No, it's true. You know, I'm the only guy in my fraternity who doesn't come from a broken home.

Armand: I can't. And I won't. This is too crazy. You do this, you're on your own. You got that, sport? You don't come back here, you don't ask me for anything, I want nothing to do with it.

Val: Okay, if that's how you feel.

Armand: I do.

Val: Fine.

[picks up his jacket and holds out his hand]

Val: Goodbye, Pop.

Albert: When the schnecken beckons...

[Mrs. Keeley is angry at Sen. Keeley]

Louise Keeley: I feel like I've never seen you before! I don't even know WHO you are! You don't care about Barbara, all you care about is your career... and *poor*, little Mrs. Coleman!

[Val, Armand's son, has returned home and has gone to bed. Albert enters and sees Armand with two glasses of white wine and thin]

Albert: Ah HA! Where is he? WHERE IS HE?

Armand: Albert...

Albert: Tell me! Who is your little... *chippy*?

Armand: Albert! Keep it down! It's Val.

[realizes and calms down]

Albert: Val? Val's home?

Armand: Go inside his room, if you don't believe me... He is asleep by now.

Albert: Oh... Wh-Why didn't you tell me?

[sing-song]

Armand: Surprise!

[enters the house in drag]

Albert: Here I am! Oh, please forgive me for being so late, but the traffic was unbelievable. Senator Keeley, Mrs. Keeley, I'm so happy to meet you at last. And, oh... you must be Barbara. What a pretty child. Come here and give me a hug!