We never thought we’d say it, but poor Jessica Simpson. Paparazzi snapped a photo of her browing the magazine racks at her local supermarket, and lo and behold, there she is on the cover of Us Magazine with a huge “DUMPED” headline stamped by her face, like a mugshot of failure and heartache. And we still can’t decide what’s worse: Going to pick up some OJ and finding your deer-in-headlights expression on the cover of a checkout mag, or the realization that there is someone photographing you at the very moment you notice it.

In the scheme of “celebrities are actual people”, this picture kind of blows our minds. And for a brief moment, makes us pity her. No wonder she went ahead and bought 5 dozen roses for herself.

You know, if Meredith Scardino and Dave Hill made this commercial in Europe it wouldn’t seem all too weird. I’ve seen Shock Video 2000 on HBO. I know what those people are capable of. Evidentally these two are just as strange.

If there’s one thing we hate, it’s hypocrisy. So when Dr. Laura Schlessinger, better known as the radio’s “Dr. Laura”, goes ahead and calls the typical American woman a slut… well, we stop playing “7 Minutes in Heaven” long enough to be offended. According to Page Six, Dr. Laura’s new book accuses women of selling themselves short, demanding that we at least be given a proper meal before going down on a stranger:

Now it is difficult to find the male who values virginity, purity and innocence when females dress like babes and perform oral sex and intercourse without even having to be fed dinner . . . Who cares about vows – after all, why buy the cow when the milk is free.

Yes. Indeed. Why buy the cow, when the milk is so slutty and free. In fact, if any gentlemen out there were interested in purchasing Dr. Laura, think again. Because that bitch’s milk is not only free, it’s plastered all over the internet. Get the children out of the room, lock your doors, and get ready to be scarred for life: Nude photos taken of Dr. Laura back in the 1970’s are only a Google search away. We could’ve linked you directly, but seriously, the pics are the definition of Noontown, U.S.A. And unless your celebrity vagina looks like corned beef in a paper shredder, we’re not interested.

Many reality shows like the throw clever brooms in the plotline cogs, twists and turns that could somehow manipulate the outcome of the winner. Producers usually invent smart enough reasons for such plot devices. Which is why last night on Project Runway, when Heidi Klum reintroduced Vincent and Angela back into the competition, we were expecting a reasonable explanation. They could have blamed the shuffling on Keith‘s preemptive ousting, or perhaps the Parisian time difference. Instead, Heidi explained that the judges wanted to make sure they were choosing the most deserving designers into the final four slots. That also meant that three designers would be eliminated. But let’s be honest, eh? There is no way Vincent and Angela would be in the top four. The real reason for the shuffling was that there was little to no conflict between the remaining designers, i.e. no salt no pepper. Angela and Vincent were not brought back as designers, rather drama inducers. That being said, let’s take a look at the challenge. (/rant)(/html humor)

Last night’s challenge was to design a black and white dress. (a-SNOOZE) Seriously, another dress? Is this some sort of Heidi-Uli-German conspiracy? Don’t get me wrong, I love Uli, but if I have to see another rope halter, I hope it’s the one I hang myself with.

A lot of people questioned Rosie O’Donnell’s motives when she took Meredith’s position on The View. Why was she returning to daytime TV? What did she have to prove? Was she doing it for the money? The fame? The notoriety? No. Apparently she was doing it for the cookies. Cookies so great that they inspire her to sing and dance. We’re not kidding.

Pop Candy points us to a housing development in Bend, Oregon called The Shire, whose name and concept were taken from the famous Hobbit dwelling-place in Lord of the Rings. Who needs stucco and vinyl siding when you can live in a “Swordsman” townhome next door to Merry Brandybuck and Gandalf the Wizard? Just be careful about getting too close to the home of conspicuously same-sex roommates Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee – ever since they got home from their “big adventure”, there have been several reports of strange late-night sounds coming from their hobbit-hole. Apparently their “fellowship” is still very strong.

I’m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am. You’re just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It’s science.

When Ron Burgundy shouted out those lines in Anchorman, you probably laughed, didn’t you? Well, according to a new study conducted by a British researcher, Ron… was right.

A controversial new study has claimed that men really are more intelligent than women. The study – carried out by a man – concluded that men’s IQs are almost four points higher than women’s.

What do you think about this; could it be true? Are men really smarter than women? Could K-Fed, Steve-O and Jason from Laguna Beach really be smarter than Paris, Jessica and Heidi from The Hills? Apparently the answer is yes. And we couldn’t be more terrified.