Star Ballz

Synopsis:A princess is captured by Lord Limpbiscuit after sending out a distress message in a robot called Pifuckyu. Two horny adventurers, Wank Solo and Chew Howie, get the message and attempt to rescue the princess from Lord Limpbiscuit.

eyelights: its many pop culture references.eyesores: the crappy, repetitive animation. the lame voice acting. the so-called plot. the pathetic humour.

I first stumbled upon ‘Star Ballz’ at the local comic book shop, which at the time rented out DVDs. Since it was cheaper to rent than to buy, especially where anime is concerned, I frequently picked up titles that I wanted to explore (why invest in a series you don’t know you’ll like?). As a mild fan of the ‘Star Wars’ series (by then, the prequels and Lucas’ attitude about the originals had dulled my enthusiasm somewhat), I was intrigued by ‘Star Ballz’.

I was in for one heck fo a surprise: ‘Star Ballz’ is an uber low budget short film, with cheap-@$$ traditional and CGI animation, bloody awful voice acting, a crappy soundtrack and, well, let’s be honest, not much of a script. It was bloody boring and few of the so-called gags were clever enough (or even base enough) to make me laugh. I just sat there in silence, stunned by how terrible it was – and was grateful that I had only rented this future coaster.

But, since I had already blurbed ‘Star Wars: A XXX Parody‘, I decided I would do this one for TCE’s ‘Star Wars’ sequence.

Let me set the stage: The 46-minute picture begins with a a woefully-bad vocal rendition of Beavis and Butthead over the opening credits. Then we find a CGI spaceship that suspiciously looks like it has a vulva in its middle, getting rammed by a “cum” blasting spaceship. After this inspired bit of space battle, the two ships merge into a sort of robot. Or is it a ship that looks like a robot? Or is it a low budget type of Transformer? Either way, it’s crap.

Most of the designs for this film are uninspired and look like dog poopy:

Luke and Han are merged into Goku-like character, called Wank Solo

Leia looks vaguely like Sailor Moon. But without panties. And inflatable boobies.

R2-D2 is basically a robot Pikachu, called Pifuckyu.

C3-P0 looks vaguely the same, but is flamingly gay and always wants to take shots in the pooper.

Chewy is blended with Howard Stern into a purposeless character called Chewhowie.

Darth Vader has Mickey Mouse ears and a bow tie. And a small penis. And he’s called Lord Limpbiscuit.

The Stormtroopers have glans-shaped helmets and “cum guns” that are penis-shaped. Yes, they’re called “Spermtroopers”.

Le sigh…

Essentially, the whole show is about cramming as much animated sex onto the screen as possible. And since Leia is the only female of the store, she gets the most action: from Darth, the… ahem… Spermtroopers, Luke/Han, Chewy. But, if that’s not enough, Han/Luke and Chewy also rear-end Artoo and Threepio. And there’s the special guest appearance by George Lucas himself, who gets a blowjob by none other than Jar Jar. Yeah, this is entertainment at its finest.

What’s stunning is that this production is so awful that even the voice actors’ moaning isn’t convincing!

No joke!

Massive fail.

And since the filmmakers (or whatever one might want to call the people behind this discarded load of Jawa jism) couldn’t come up with anything humourous, they decided to partake in the hack’s cheap way out: they made a bunch of pop culture references (Ahem… ‘Family Guy’. Cough, cough…). Many I didn’t get, but I picked up on ‘Alien‘, ‘Basic Instinct‘, ‘Castaway’, ‘Entrapment’, ‘Seven’, ‘The Shining‘, ‘Trainspotting, ‘The X-Files’, ‘X-Men’, as well as Metallica.

All this to say that ‘Star Ballz’ is a load of crap. It’s repetitive, unoriginal, unfunny and even untitillating. It serves no purpose aside for wasting 3/4 of an hour. Amusingly, George Lucas sued in 2001 to have it pulled from the shelves, alleging that it is too similar to ‘Star Wars’ – but was rebuffed by the courts. The film has mercifully disappeared from distribution since, but its existence may have opened the door for the delightful ‘Star Wars: A XXX Parody’.