The Humor Column

Humor: Celtic Jokes

Humor: Celtic Jokes

Q: If you see a Celtic fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve and hit him?
A: You don’t want to damage your bike, do you?

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A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Green and white top. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.“Hello mate“ says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven.”“What ?” exclaims the man, astonished.“You heard, no Celtic fans.”“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man”, replies the Celtic supporter.“Oh really”, says St. Peter. “What have you done, then ?”“Well“ said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa”.“Oh“ says St.Peter. “anything else?”“Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.”“Hmmm. Anything else?”“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”“Okay”, said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back, now fuck off”.

***

Q: Do you know what Celtic really stands for?
A: Celtic Even Lost To Inverness Caley

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It’s with great sadness that I report Celtic Park was broken into last night. The entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. Strathclyde police are believed to be looking for a man with a green carpet.

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Q: What would you call 2 Sellik fans going over a cliff in a green Renualt Espace?
A: A complete waste of space. You could have squeezed 8 of them into one of those.

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A shabby looking young man wearing a Celtic shirt knocks on the pearly gates and asks to be let in. Saint Peter says “I don’t know. Have you ever done anything good like given money to the poor?”“No.” replied the Tim“Helped a widow or orphan?”“No.” replied the Tim“Helped a little old lady across a street?”“No.” replied the Tim“Well then, why should I let you in?”“I did do something very brave once.” Said the Tim“And what was that?” asked Peter“I went to Ibrox to see an Old Firm game and stood in the stands with the huns decked in full Celtic gear.”“My, that is brave!. When did you do that?”“About 3 minutes ago…”.

***

An old man hands over 50 quid to the turnstyle operator at Celtic Park
Man: Two please.
Turnstyle Operator: Sir, will that be Defenders or Strikers?
Parkhead directors called an urgent meeting last night. It’s alleged they are considering the replacement of John Barnes with Steven Hendry. When asked why, they replied: “we don’t just need the points now, we need snookers!”

Three drunkards are standing on top of the Empire State Building. The first one says to the other two, “You know, it’s a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!” The second drunk says, “You’re crazy!” The first drunk says, “I’m serious! Watch!” The first drunk jumps off of the building, and the wind carries him right back up to the top! The second drunk says, “Let me try!” So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT! The first drunk smiles, clearly amused. The third drunk looks at him and says, “You know, Superman, you can be a real Jerk When you’re drunk!”

Four Corners

There is a big room with four corners. In the first corner, you find Superman. In the second corner you find Batman. In the third corner you find Spiderman. And in the fourth corner you find an extremely intelligent, 100% natural blonde woman with an amazing ultra-thin magazine-model figure. In the center of the room there is a pot of gold.

Q:Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A: None, because none of these characters exist.

Superpowers

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spider-man to see if wanted to grab a couple of beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman’s apartment to see If she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself “I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening.” So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flies off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said “Did you hear anything?” “NO”! said the Invisible Man, “But my ass hurts like hell!”

Magic Drink

One day, a woman walks into a bar. Before she decides to order, a man comes flying up to her. He said “Try this magic drink!! It will make you fly!!” So the woman orders that drink, and tests it out. She jumped off the roof, and falls to her death. The bartender says to the man, “Superman, your such a jerk when your drunk.”

Rib-Ticklers: Top 10 Funny Office Jokes

Well well, you might be staring at the screen with countless rumbling about all the work you have right now. Are we right, or are we right?

Here’s a set of 10 relatable office jokes that while tickle your funny bone while you are at it:

1. Ron walks into the boss’s cabin and says. “Sir, I’ll be damn straight with you, I know that the economy isn’t great, but I have three companies chasing after me, and I should get a raise.” After few minutes of arguing, boss finally agrees him to give a 5% raise, and Ron happily gets up to leave.

“By the way Ron”, asks the boss while Ron was about to leave, “which 3 companies are chasing after you?”

Ron: “The phone company, electric company, and the water company”

2. A frustrated junior employee dialed the number of his boss by mistake & said :
Hey you.. send a coffee in my room in 2 minutes !……….
Boss shouted angrily : Hey, Do you know whom you’re talking to ?!!
Junior : No ! Who the hell is this ?
Boss: I am the boss of this office.
Junior (without any change in aggressive tone) : …and do you know whom you are talking to?
Boss: No!
Junior: Oh Thank God… (and disconnected the phone)….. 😀

3. Boss: “From the day I fired you from the job; you come and shit in front of my house every single day. What’s your problem ?? I will call the police”
John: “Sir, It’s just to remind you that even after your fired me from the job, I didn’t die without food”

4. Ron once calls his boss’s home and asks for his boss
His boss’s wife receives the call and says “your boss died last week”
The next day Ron again calls.
Boss’ wife receives the call and replies the same
Day after that, Ron calls again
This time Boss’s wife gets angry. “Why does u call everyday even after I told u that he died?”
Ron replies “It just feels good to hear again and again that he’s dead”

5. In an Indian government office, A notice was written on board
“Keep silence. Don’t make any noise”
Somebody wrote under it
“Otherwise employees will wake up from their sleep”

6. Q: What would you call a situation of 100 bosses buried up in sand till their necks ??
A: Lack of Sand !!

7. Once upon a time 20 CEOs of 20 Software companies were invited on an airplane and told that they were about to experience first ever completely autopilot driven flight from take off to landing.

Then each one of the CEOs was called in a private room and told that the system software for the Full-autopilot plane was made by his company. 19 out of 20 CEOs left the aircraft, making some kind of excuse.

One CEO remain seated confidently taking sip of champagne, the crew asked “Wow, you do have a lot of faith in your company”.

CEO said calmly : “No, it’s not that ! If the plane’s software is made by my company, it won’t even take off!!”

8. Q: What does a slinky and your boss have in common?
A: It’s a lot of fun to watch both tumble down the stairs.

9. How to catch a Lion ?
Programmer’s way : Try to trap a lion in a normal cage with simple bait like a goat tied inside of it. If it doesn’t come, change the structure of the cage, if it still doesn’t come, change the bait with deer. This way keep making slight moderations in only these 2 things until the lion is trapped.
Team Lead way : Ask the best hunter to catch the lion, meanwhile keep communicating the progress to the circus management ensuring the lion would be caught without making a slight contribution to the actual process.
Manager’s Way : Keep calling meetings and pushing hard the hunters to catch the lion, if they refuse, send a serious mail with so “pain in the ass” complicated vocabulary that hunter’s find best to give more time and efforts in catching the lion than replying to them. Praise the hunters with false appreciation when they catch a lion and when time comes to pay for it, say we wanted a tiger, not a lion so your performance was not that good and we can’t pay you as much as you expect.
L2 Support Team Member’s way : First read a book on “How to catch lions”. Then perform each step written in the book so slowly (with fear that you might make a mistake) that the Lion becomes so bored and frustrated that he surrenders himself and never raises a request again.
HR Manager’s way : Whenever Lion puts a foot ahead of its territory, start sending him PDFs and Links for the jungle policies and consequences of what can happen if he doesn’t follow them. Even if he follows them, keep sending him the policy update mails and Do’s and Don’ts in the jungle so that lion becomes annoyed and thinks of committing suicide a better way than making automated rules in MS outlook to get rid of them.

10. Two women talking in an office :
First Woman : “I can make my boss give me the day off .”
Second woman : “And how would you do that?”
First woman : “Just wait and see.”
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling. The boss walks in and says, “What are you doing?”
First woman : “I’m a light bulb. I’m a light bulb.”
Boss : ” I think you’ve gone crazy, working so much. You should take the day off.”
First woman starts leaving and the second one follows her to the door.
Boss to second woman : “Where do you think you’re going ?”
Second Woman: “Are you crazy ? There’s no light bulb now, how would I work in the dark ??”

Top 30 Weird Collections of Celebrities

Celebrities have their quirks – sometimes, crazy ones! A number of famous musicians, actors, and athletes collect unusual things. Sure, some famous people like to collect rare and vintage items. However, some funny celebrity collections include weapons, and other weird celebrity collections even revolve around bugs.

Look at this list and tell us which one you consider the weirdest

Angelina Jolie collects knives, as well as first edition books.

2.Johnny Depp has dozens and dozens of special edition Barbie dolls.

3. Nicole Kidman has an impressive coin collection that includes some rare ancient coins of Judea.

4. Brad Pitt collects metal art and metal furniture. He has even designed some pieces himself.

5. Leonardo Di Caprio has an impressive collection of vintage toys. In 2001, he auctioned off a variety of items for charity bringing in a grand total of $110,000.

6. Demi Moore has thousands of fine porcelain dolls in her collection.

7. Jay-Z has one of the most impressive accessory collections known to man. He even owns the most expensive watch in the world – Hublot’s the “Big Bang,” which Beyonce bought for him for $5 million.

8. Penélope Cruz has a thing for coat hangers, with over 500 non-metal ones in her collection.