Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The Fear Deep Inside of Me

I wrote this long, crazy, emotional blog recently. I go back and forth about sharing it. But I've decided I will share it and so here
goes. I'm going to break it into two
parts, the first which is below, is about me....my issues....my fears. The second part is going to be more about
Hylan and how we changed me and gave me confidence in myself. I hope you enjoy it. It was really hard for me to share it because
I'm a pretty confidant person and fear is something that I don't handle or
share well!

I became an accidental step-mom. I came across this phrase today and it kind
of fit perfectly. Hylan coming into my
life is truly one of the best things that has ever happened to me, but it was
totally unexpected. Before him, I truly
was petrified of the idea of having kids.
In my twenties, it was never a thought, it was only a "hell
no." As I got older, those feelings
changed because my life changed, and I grew up a bit. But I was still scared. I never had parents that showed love or cared
for me as most parents do. Deep inside
of me was this overwhelming fear that I couldn't possibly be a mother because I
would have no idea what to do. And I don't mean the normal "holy shit, we
have a baby, now what?" that most people go through. I mean that I worried I wouldn't be able to
love a child right, whatever 'right' is.
I wouldn't know how to show them that they were loved. I never saw that myself, or felt it, and I
had no faith that I would be able to show it to somebody else. I knew for a fact that I knew what NOT to
do. I had an entire childhood of
experience in that department. It's odd
because I feel like many people worry about having kids and the costs, time,
and effort are their big concerns. Obviously
everybody wants their kids to have more than they had, to go to good schools,
become successful, live a happy life, and becoming overall good people. None of those are that big of a deal for
me. This is not to say that I don't
worry about things like that, but I think that like everybody else, I will
figure it all out. I will do my best and it will work itself out.
My fear is so much deeper than that and
it's often overwhelming. I worry that
there is some "bad-mom gene" and maybe it was passed down to me
too. In my case, regarding my parents, I
don't feel that they ever intended to actually hurt me in the ways that they
did, but they did. They were not
mentally able to care for themselves fully, never mind to care for a
child. And that's the honest
truth....and it's fine....I survived and became me. I can't change any of that. But I can hope to do better for my future
children. But you see, I say
"hope" like I doubt that I can.
Which is stupid because I know that I can. I know that I would never do any of the
things my parents did to me to a child.
But there's always this little line of doubt running through me about
it. I have this fear that my child won't
know that I love them, that I won't show it enough and they will not feel it
and their lives will be all sorts of fucked up because of it.

And in walks Hylan...thrown into my life
unexpectedly and of my own doing. I was
the one that called Jen (his mom) and talked to her to work things out and made
it so he could come see his dad. I was
the one she trusted with her son at first because the hate she felt towards Justin
consumed every thought that ran through her head. I was also the one who realized it was
actually going to happen, then said "Oh shit. What the hell do I do with a
little boy in my house?" I was
clueless. I was scared. So freakin' scared you have no idea. At the time, I didn't know what would come of
it. I didn't know if she would let him
come here once, then never again, or what would happen. And I truly didn't ever anticipate that the
love I would have for this kid would be as strong and deep as it is.

Come back to read the rest of this story
tomorrow......

Thanks
for all your comments and feedback. It's
greatly appreciated! And may I suggest the bloglovin app for your phones. It makes blogs easier to read and you can
comment right from the app itself.

3 comments:

You will be an amazing mom. I know you think that you don't show the people that you love that you love them, but you do! You show Hylan everyday, and when you do have a child you will love him or her more than anything else, and they will definitely know it.