Commentary: Whole grain donuts and other lunchroom atrocities

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There are few things in this world more upsetting than preparing yourself to bite into what looks like a delicious and unhealthy chocolate mini doughnut, only to realize that the doughnut in question is made with “whole grain goodness” and therefore tastes like low quality cardboard.

Seriously. Their catchphrase is “whole grain goodness”.

This is a particularly maddening slogan to have, as everybody and their dog knows that there is no such thing as whole grain goodness. Many high-schoolers, however, have become victim to what is known as ‘whole grain sadness’– the emotional pain of being unprepared for a mouthful of whole grain.

In spite of the adverse effects, the cafeteria has been seeing a troubling trend toward healthier and healthier foods, much to the dismay of students. In just the past year, one can see that nearly every bread-related food has been made with whole grain, whole wheat, and a whole bunch of disappointment.

Now if it was just our breads being contaminated, this might not be so big a deal. Unfortunately, the health epidemic has infected nearly every edible item within the cafeteria.

Take potato chips, for example. What teenager wouldn’t see potato chips as a deep-fried, delicious, spuddy refuge from the world of health foods? But sadly, this is no longer the case. Every bag of chips to be found now comes with a ominous warning on the package: Baked.

And while this is a savage blow to our fat-food-freedoms, it isn’t even the half of the problem.

The nutrition-frenzy has now also taken away our healthy choices. These healthy choices have been replaced with healthy “not a choice anymore” mandates. Students are required to take a fruit from the lunch lines with their meal.

As barbarous as this sounds, it is no fantasy issue. The school system charges students more money if they elect not to take a fruit than if they take a fruit.

Aside from the obvious fruit-genocide (fruiticide) abominations that result, this is a direct attack on teenage autonomy at a point in life when teenagers need to focus on finding out who they really are.

We must put a stop to this.

What sadism could possibly move someone to take foods cherished for their unhealthiness and make them good for you? More importantly, why is this legally permitted?

It is our duty as current students to ensure the happiness of students to come by fighting against this healthiness tyranny right now. By all means necessary we ought to preserve the freedoms of the next generation so that we can preserve the conscience of our own.