The Prose Edda for Bostonians: Gylfaginning, Part XVI

In Which King Gylfi of Sweden
Learns About the Time When The
Gods Accidentally Murdered Their
Most Favorite and Popular Member

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True, they might alsah love dick bones ovah at MIT too, who knows? Who the fuck even cahrs?

Yeah, yah know what, I’ll tell yah who doesn’t love dick bones.

Thor.

Thor DOESNOT love dick bones. Unless it’s his own, then I believe he makes a very special exception.

I mean, it’s just Thor does not strike me as the type’ah guy who’d be standin’ out on Yawkey scalpin’ dick bones tah passersby as way to pocket some extra cash. I honestly—I just don’t see the guy hoahrdin’ up dick bones no mattah how hahd up he might be at any given time, like yah know, when Loki fucks him ovah, which happens all the fuckin’ time…

…oh yeah, ah’couhrse, sometimes he drives up tah Nashua tah stock up on liquah n’ usually he takes Loki with him which is kindah fucked up since Loki’s a fuckin’ prick who was bohrn backwahds with fuckin’ hooves fah feet but I guess he’s supposed tah help Thor cahrry it all but since he’s a mothahfuckin’ shape-shiftin’ demon sack’ah shit, he usually just ends up transfohmin’ himself intah some undah-age kid with a wicked bad fake ID just tah fuck with poohr Thor.

I sweahr, this happens ALLTHE FUCKIN’ TIME.

I mean evuhrytime Thor is like, “YES!!! THISTIME I’M GONNAHFINALLY FUCKIN’ DO IT!” thinkin’, yah know, that he’s gonnah buy all the hahd liquah in the entiyah fuckin’ state’ah New Hampshah, Loki just then goes n’ transfohms himself intah some pimple faced teenage kid n’ now they won’t sell tah Thor anymohr since he’s accompanied by a fuckin’ minah, n’ I don’t know why Thor keeps takin’ him along all the time…

Yeah, you’d think Thor would fuckin’ figyuh it by now ah at least leave the prick outside tah make sure the goats don’t wandah outtah the pahkin’ lot ah somethin’…

Nah, don’t get me wrong, Thor’s a great guy n’ all, it’s just sometimes he’s not the brightest bulb on the block is all.

Loki, though, he’s always been a prick.

Oh n’ fuck, he just only gets wohrse. Sully’s outtah do a Loki’s a Bitch shihrt ah somethin’. Hell, they could even put a pictyuh’ah him gettin’ fucked by a hohrse on it. I’d buy one’ah those fah sure.

Oh! Hey hey hey! Look—3rd’s finally stahtin’!

COME ON B’s!!!

Fuck…

Yeah, so while the gods ahr all out in the backyahd throwin’ shit at Balder n’ havin’ a good time, Loki’s just gettin’ kindah pissed since good times make him angry since he’s an asshole.

So he goes n’ he asks Frigg, “Hey, what the fuck? Why isn’t anything huhrtin’ Balder any, isn’t there anything that can still huhrt Balder?”

N’ that dumb bitch, she just goes ahead n’ she tells him. She’s like, “Oh, yeah, mistletoe can still huhrt him since I didn’t bothah tah get it tah promise not tah huhrt him since it’s just some dumb little plant, what the fuck can misteltoe do?”

So now Loki goes n’ he gets himself a twig’ah mistletoe n’ then he stahts whiddlin’ it down till he’s got this wicked shahp stick’ah misteltoe n’ he sees Hod, who’s just, ehhhh….

…nah, nah, nah, he’s not that impohrtant except fah at this pahticulah moment…

Like uh, uh, yah know… ahh! It’s like Hod’s on the fuckin’ fahm team. Yeah, he’s down in Pahtucket. Nah, nobody knows what the hell is goin’ on down there—I mean, who really cahrs?

EXACTLY!

So no one’s really payin’ any attention tah the Pahtucket guys n’ Hod’s just sittin’ there ridin’ the pine like a fuckin’ losah n’ so Loki goes up tah him n’ he asks him why he’s not playin’. N’ Hod’s just like, “‘Cause I’m fuckin’ blind, yah fuckin’ mohron.”

N’ actually Loki already knew this so he’s just bein’ a dick but I think it’s a pretty solid reason as tah—

ONETIMAH!!! Oh come on…COME ON, GET IT IN THEFUCKINGNET!!!

Christ… what’s it take tah sco’ah on this guy…

But anyway, Loki that fuckin’ cocksuckah, he pretends like he has no clue that Hod’s as blind as a bat n’ so he says, “Oh shit, man, I’m sahhry, yah know, I’ll help yah guide yah hand if yah wannah go in fah ‘ra shift.” N’ so Hod’s like yeah, okay, sure, since he’s been missin’ out n’ obviously throwin’ shit at Balder is the most fun they’ve had in Asgard since the time they all watched Loki fuck a hohrse n’ give bihrth tah its baby way back in paht VIII.

So now Hod steps up tah the plate with Loki who helps him aim this stick’ah mistletoe at Balder n’ next thing yah know Balder drops down tah the ground deadah ‘en a doohr nail n’ all the rest’ah the gods ahr just stunned speechless ‘cept fah Odin who’s just like, “Oh fuck,” since he knows this is sehriously bad news fah the entiyah fuckin’ planet.

Now once Frigg hea’hs evuhyrthing go all quiet all’ah sudden she’s just like, “Oh shit, what’d those idiots do now?” n’ so she gets up off her ass n’ goes out tah where evuhryone’s standin’ ‘round stahrin’ at Balder’s goddamn cohrpse like it’s a fuckin’ muhrdah scene out in Mattapan not knowin’ what the fuck just happened. So she sees his lifeless body just lyin’ there n’ all the fihrst respondahs just standin’ there in a cihrcle with their cocks in their hands not knowin’ what the fuck tah do n’ so she decides she bettah take control’ah the situation n’ so she looks at ‘em all n’ says, “Alright, which one’ah yah fuckin’ dipshits is gonnah ride down tah Hel tah try n’ bahtah fah poohr Balder’s fuckin’ soul?”