When Air Force Guy is Away, Murphy Will Play

13 Aug 2008

I have a wasp infestation in my back yard.

Oh yay - lucky me.

Who knew that there are almost no companies in my area that will come and remove a wasp nest from that high up in a tree? I mean, we are in VIRGINIA, for God's sake. I'm pretty sure that other people have to deal with wasp nests high up in trees fairly frequently.

But never fear - I have the problem well under control now.

We first discovered there was a wasp nest when AFG was trying to re-landscape the little tiny poof of area behind our townhouse that we refer to as a "back yard". The poor man was dive bombed by several Kamikaze wasps that managed to sting him through his 5.11 pants and socks!

Ike was the second victim. The poor dog - he was out taking care of business when all of a sudden we witnessed him jump about three feet straight into the air and come down in a rolling somersault. This was followed by what seemed to be my normally sweet and loving pit bull completely losing his mind. He was snapping and snarling at an area near his left butt-cheek - rolling, jumping, and running around our porch like he was in the throes of 'roid rage.

Actually, it was just a wasp sting to the butt. And as soon as Ike managed to close his jaws around the stupid thing, he completely calmed down and waited for us to open the door and let him back in the house.

I had to stop laughing, first, though.

A quick look out the Evil Blond Child's room showed us where the nest was located - right at the top of the tree.

It seemed like too much for me to handle on my own, so I started calling pest control companies.

"No, I'm sorry! We don't do wasp nests that high!"

"We might be able to do it. We charge $50 to come out and estimate for you."

I was getting so frustrated I even started calling the large, overpriced companies that advertise on TV. Little did I know that these companies now outsource their calls to India.

"Hello, may I help you please?"

"Yes, I'd like to get an estimate for wasp removal."

"Wasc?"

"No, wasP. With a P. PPPPPPP [here I kept making a "p" sound]."

"Pasc?"

AAARRRRGGGHHHHHH! I love a good Indian accent - it's like listening to music. But when you can't clean up the dog poop in your yard because of rogue stinging wasps, you just aren't in the mood to try and talk through that conversation.

I did everything - I emailed a contractor friend of mine. I even sent out a mass email to the other SpouseBUZZ authors lamenting Murphy and his darn law.

Then something She of the Sea said gave me an idea. I was going to win this war with the wasps if it was the last thing I did (and luckily my children have access to a phone and know how to dial 911 if it looks really dire).

You see, they sell wasp spray at Home Depot. And this wasp spray can shoot for quite long distances. I figured that if I were to barricade myself in Evil Blond Child's room and shoot the spray out the window, I could probably soak the nest and buy myself enough relief to clean up the dog doo in the backyard and get that re-landscaping done (by myself now, though, since AFG is gone again).

This is the window in question:

And this is the spray:

Notice how far that goes? Twenty seven feet - it was the longest spray guarantee I could find.

I waited until sunset when the wasps would be less active, planning my attack the whole time. Those wasps were going to rue the day, I tell you what.

So, at dusk I snuck into the room, opened the window, took the screen down, and closed the door. I had already admonished the children to KEEP THE DOOR SHUT! And to call 911 if it sounded like things had gone sour on my end. I put some Drowning Pool on to get me in the mood (Bodies, of course), which probably completely freaked out my neighbors. They know me fairly well, and are used to the sounds of Neil Diamond and Elvis coming from my house. Maybe Amy Winehouse if I'm in a saucy kind of mood. But Bodies? Played at maximum volume?

They had to know something was going down.

There was no wind outside, but I outfitted myself with AFG's shemagh to keep rogue sprays (and wasps) from most of my face. I was also decked out in jeans and long sleeves and a pair of gloves. You know, just in case. If I had walked into an airport dressed like this, I'm pretty sure I'd be taken in for the extra special searches.

I. Was. Ready.

I am happy to report that Operation Drown the Wasps was a full out success. My aim was apparently right on this time, as I soaked the nest from the start. A few of the wasps managed to stagger out during the bombardment, but a quick flick of my wrist soaked them, too. I emptied two cans on the nest before closing up the window and doing a round of celebratory air guitar.

Victory was mine this day!

Take that, Murphy!

Now, if I can just figure out how to get that nest out of the tree and disposed of...