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Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Taken: Star Wars

So one day I walk into the church office and Pastor Josh shows off his new purchase - the just released Star Wars: The Force Awakens DVD. When I return home I tell my kids about Josh's new prize possession. To which Meredith responds "We should kidnap it!" That's my girl.

Of course, the first thing to do is make a ransom demand. But I had to train them on how to properly make a ransom note to avoid detection. Frank & Joe Hardy taught me everything I ever needed to know.

They spent Saturday evening making the note, but when they arrived at church early on Sunday morning to find the DVD in Pastor Josh's office it's nowhere to be found. He had taken it home the day before for safekeeping so that it would be available to watch on Monday, his day off.

But my hooligans were not to be so easily deterred. And of course, they found a willing accomplice within the Bolaji family. Exchanging the note with "E" Bolaji (names changed to protect the not-so-innocent), they captured Josh's The Force Awakens DVD in mint condition.

Disney's decision to release the DVD before International Star Wars Day (May the Fourth) is suspect, but it lent itself to a perfect deadline. Alas, only to find out that Pastor Josh wanted to play hardball. Channeling his inner Harrison Ford, he chose not to negotiate with my little terrorists.

The only acknowledgement was this much-commented on Facebook post...

The silent treatment is ineffective with children, however. His decision to ignore their ransom demands only led to an escalation. The O'Tool children needed to send a message that they are not to be trifled with. So, in the spirit of a famous mafia family, it was painfully apparent that Pastor Josh needed to learn a lesson. And how else to intimidate an insubordinate subordinate than to leave the head of some creature dear to said subordinate in said subordinate's bed?

Not wanting to decapitate an Ewok, and knowing that Wookie heads are notoriously difficult to obtain, the only alternative was the noggin of some droid. And when Amber noticed that one of our old speaker covers was exactly the size and shape of BB8's head, the way forward was clear. An hour of work yielded a spot-on rendition of the cranium of Artoo's heir apparent.

From there it was nothing to get hands on the Bolaji house keys and place the menacing ultimatum upon Josh's billet.

The message came through loud and clear, as the ransom was paid promptly the following afternoon.

The lesson, as always, is the lure of the dark side is strong...especially when Cadbury is involved!