Nerds (including King Nerd)

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Phil" at me when I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Phil, what's happening?" To which I replied "Bug off Gates, I'm in a meeting"

Bill Gates shuffles off his mortal coil, and to nobody's surprise including his own, arrives in hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early would by itself have landed you here. But enough of that. You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Bill Gates died and of course was immediately sent to hell. As he gloomily entered the infernal gates, he was amazed to find hell was a vast computer laboratory with equipment beyond his wildest dreams. There were machines of unbelievable capacity and memory, machines that could work at speeds unheard of on earth.

"What do you think of hell?" asked the devil.

"Wonderful" said the computer scientist, "give me a few CDs and let me try these machines out."

"That's the hell of it," grinned the devil. "We've got no software down here."

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers through Silicon Valley stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."