Whole30 is amazing. A super easy and rewarding journey filled with absolutely delicious food that you'd be happy to eat for the rest of your life.

Jk.

It's really a time consuming, difficult monster that will take over your life and kitchen (and keep it in such a state of towering dirty dishes and pots, you will contemplate burning the whole thing down and moving to a different state). And that's not even counting the cost which can be enormous if you're not expecting it.

But after five (or six?) times, you start to come up with strategies. So here is the ultimate way to do whole thirty on a budget (at least in my experience), when the desire to do whole thirty is tempered by your lack of money. If you're trying to do the most inexpensive Whole30, this is the secret:

Don't be picky.

For real though, in this day and age, you can find inexpensive, cheap food for whole30 but it requires reversing the order you do things.

i.e you type in "Whole30" on Pinterest and get hundreds of pictures of beautiful, mouth-watering dishes. If you join any groups or follow any whole30'ers on Instagram you see platefuls and recipes for delicious foods.

And maybe they work for those people without spending too much money, but in order to do Whole30 cheaply, you have to completely reverse your thinking. Instead of picking what you want to eat and making a grocery list, you buy 1. Meat, 2. Veggies, 3. Fat that can be procured on sale and inexpensively.

Total $220 per month$220/4people= $55That's $55 for one person per month, not week.

Cook up massive amounts of meat at once, and steam/saute/roast veggies on Sunday night if you are able. Then every night, figure out what veggie and protein you're having the next day. Sample: Squash and sausage for breakfast, broccoli, and chicken for dinner, sweet potato and roast for dinner. Simple, but effective.

STEP 2

You can totally eat delicious, nutritious, flavorful food that gives you an adequate amount of calories for a month with the above menu. But most people have a little more money than that...even most food stamp programs will give you $50/week per person. So fill in the edges with whatever is on sale...

tomatoesbananaszucchiniorangesapplesceleryginger Lemons/limes

Often give you the most bang for your buck as far as expanding the things you can cook. Avocados, homemade mayo, ghee, nuts, coconut aminos, fancy oils etc are things that DO NOT give you the most bang for your buck. And while they're nice, they're also expensive and unnecessary even though they're super popular in the Whole30 world. If you really are trying to do Whole 30 on a budget, google recipes based on what ingredients you have vs just browsing, because you'll get depressed at all the super expensive food everyone else is eating.

CONCLUSION

I firmly believe anyone can afford Whole30, but you have to have a mindset of abundance. Imagine you are a wealthy medieval lord who is collecting rents from the peasants and there was a bumper crop of sweet potatoes and onions that year. Be amazed that you can have chicken and beef on the same day. Eat like royalty because it's 2017, don't feel sorry for yourself that everyone else is eating something different. In the grand scheme of the world, avocados aren't more important than coconuts, and the healthy fat from the later is cheaper. We're so sucked in by trends and doing what people around us are doing, we lose sight of the big picture which is this: There is an excess of food in the Northern Hemisphere. Find it, procure it, and eat it with a grateful attitude. Eat veggies and meat for breakfast (pretend some Viking ghost is looking down at you and nodding with satisfaction). Live above the fray.

And reap the benefits of sleeping better, having more energy, thinking more clearly and equalizing to a healthy weight. Even if you just do it once as an experiment, I think it's a bit like shaving your head or getting a tattoo (just the less permanent version). The whole world just looks sort of different. It shows you patterns in your body you may not have noticed before. And it builds healthy systems and habits.

Have fun and if you hate it, feel free to tell me so.

RANDOM FOOTNOTES

-If you're single or can't afford to buy in bulk like this plan requires, find a few friends who will do it too and split it with you. -If you live in a big city, find the restaurant supply district and figure out how to get plugged in. -If you don't have a Costco membership, find a friend who does or see above. -This plan assumes you have a fully stocked spice cupboard, but if you don't... salt, garlic and fat cover a multitude of sins but I would recommend at least getting some vinegar (which thankfully is cheap).

We just recently switched to a once a month grocery shopping budget and I feel a bit like a 17th century sea captain stocking a giant barquentine. Granted my chicken these days comes pre-neck-wrung and sometimes even precooked by Squire Costco, but the modern trade off means I don’t spend my days tearing my hair out getting enough food for my family, instead I tear my hair out trying to make sure they’re literate and well educated.

For kicks and giggles I added up our monthly food consumption:

58 lbs of Grains

186 lbs of Dairy

63 lbs of Meat

83 lbs Vegetables

61 lbs Fruit

9 lbs Fat

Total- 460 lbs of food

Which came out to be 2.5 lbs of food per person in our family (per day). That seemed like a tremendous amount of food to me, but according to the national health statistics the average American eats 4.5 lbs of food per day. However since we aren’t wasting away I have to assume we make up the rest in eating abroad. Also, that number is the mean average for our family, some of us consume far less...or more than others (Jamie...cough...Jamie).

Granted, I don’t know much about yoga...hot or otherwise (i.e. does “hot” define the goal or the physical temperature? That’s how little I know). But I noticed the New York Times has no compunction about telling Christians what they believe, so I’m taking advantage of this “hot” new trend. Har Har. .

I recently read Richard Dawkins “The God Delusion” which scared me a little. I thought maybe it would work like a Harry Potter spell and I’d find myself magically transformed into a neo atheist de facto. It didn’t. Not that atheists aren’t lovely people with heartfelt ideology, but the book wasn’t an intellectual heavy hitter. It did however, lead down a personal rabbit hole on the existence of God, which is all a less-than-innocuous way of showing I’m cool enough to have doubts and pander around with the smart people. All of my toe dipping though lead me to a tangential realization “You are what you love”. The physical is shaped by the abstract. Humans can’t help but be liturgical beings.

We are what we love, and our love is shaped, primed, and aimed by liturgical practices that take hold of our gut and aim our heart to certain ends. So we are not primarily homo rationale or homo faber or homo economicus; we are not even generically homo religiosis. We are more concretely homo liturgicus; humans are those animals that are religious animals not because we are primarily believing animals but because we are liturgical animals—embodied, practicing creatures whose love/desire is aimed at something ultimate. (p. 40) James K.A. Smith - “Desiring The Kingdom”

Some people have CrossFit liturgy, other people have yoga liturgy, I personally have more of a messy house and laundry liturgy. Instead of reciting the Athanasian Creed or doing downward dog, I step on a lego and then hop around gesticulating wildly while speaking in tongues.

Not that there is anything wrong with Stay-At-Home mom liturgy, but thank goodness that isn’t the only liturgical process in my life. I have The Church. Not church, but the one with the big C that goes backwards in history and forward through time and will exist long past hot yoga’s expiration date. I think I failed to grasp this growing up in Calvary Chapel (which I won’t diss right now because it’s all still a part of the big “C”). I thought Christianity was more an abstract concept, and church was sort of “Weight Watchers” for Christians. In which case of course you stop going if you decide you don’t need or want to lose weight. Or you maintain that while you do want to be healthy or love Jesus, you don’t prefer to do that at Weight Watchers or church. I didn’t realize Church with the big “C” it is quite literally magic. It’s the wardrobe to Narnia. You walk through the doors and regardless where those doors are, what denomination it is or what race you are, they’re magic doors ushering you into the presence of God.

You can't escape the liturgical shaped hole in your heart. It's just a matter of what you put there.

Frankly I knew it was inevitable. Life is always a Faustian trade of evils (or joys...depending on how rose colored your glasses are). When the two older kids left for their very Parisian-esque rural outsourcing of summer (see Bringing Up Bebe), I was tempted to think of all the amazing things I was going to accomplish. It’s hard to get anything done when you’re doing your best impression of zookeeper/professor/therapist twentyfour-seven for nine months of the year and I was much looking forward to the break.

Well I got it. Truly. From everything. No violin, no sports, no therapy, no school meetings, no staying up until midnight trying to grow rock crystals on a toothpick. I traded the busy life of four kids where I couldn't keep the house clean, but did accomplish important things (like how to take a booger out with tissue), to a the slower easier life of two kids where the house stays clean but not accomplish anything big. Mainly because you belatedly realize the younger two are stuck to you like glue without their built in entertainers and playmates. But going backwards in family size (temporarily) does have its fair list of perks. The laundry stays only one or two loads behind, the kitchen is almost always in a mildly presentable state (the fruit flies are suing for breach of contract), and the house actually gets vacuumed regularly. But I was kidding myself to think I could get any big mind-blowing projects accomplished. Thus it was with great difficulty I let go of my pipe dreams and resigned myself to sleeping in every morning, putzing around the house teaching my preschooler how to fold washcloths before finally going to the beach or pool.

I would like to say that I’m so organized that going to the beach is a painless affair, but instead it’s the opposite, I’m so unorganizedgoing to the beach is a (mostly) painless affair. Of course I’ve got “science” to back up all of my justifications for this, and I thought I’d share them in case someone else is looking for a way to spend more time having fun and less time trying to get out the door.

Disclaimer: (If you are one of those uber prepared types that has a ziploc baggie for your ziploc baggie, then please close your eyes and don’t read this. The world needs more of you and less of me. In a Darwinian experiment I’m the first to die out i.e. I’m more than grateful for the times I’ve been helped by the preparers)

Don't bring sunblock or snacks and only bring a limited amount of water (or none if you know there's a drinking fountain)

I say this somewhat tongue in cheek because I do actually have a thing of sunblock that stays in my beach bag, but it usually takes us the whole summer to get through it. And the logic is this. Your body is an amazing machine that knows when it's hungry, tired, and had too much sun. Things like pretzels, doritos and sunblock override this built in safety mechanism which means you end up at home exhausted bloated, overly slathered with chemicals and cranky from the combination of artificial cheese flavor and that sunburned spot behind your knees you missed. Trust the human body to go “ugh, I’m really hot and hungry and I swear I can feel cancer cells forming on my body right now.” That’s when you know it’s time to load up the kids and head home. On the plus side, this usually means everyone gets their naps (or have gotten their naps), and you have time to plan dinner, paint your toes and eat bon bons. ( here is a harvard medical publication advocating the health benefits of moderate sun exposure).

Don't bring a picnic blanket, chairs or umbrella

In the book “Blue Mind” Wallace Nichols talks about the science behind going to the beach or even just being in water. Dopaminergic pathways, neuro plasticity, auditory cortex physiology, textural and vestibular input are all scientific ways to say the ocean is really good for you. The chemical makeup of the salt water, the minerals, the ebb and flow of the waves, and the sand are all incredibly soothing and healthy for your brain and body. I like to think of a little beach trip being like a soft reboot. Between all of that and the vitamin D, I also try to take my kids to a deserted beach when they’re under the weather. But back to the packing list… most of those things don’t work if you’re sitting on a chair, on a blanket, under an umbrella, with water shoes, rash guard and sun hat on. If you have kids who are low threshold on the sensory spectrum then they likely won’t want to budge out of the little fortress of protection against the dread elements and will take any suggestions to the contrary as torture of the highest degree with you as the grand inquisitor. It may take awhile, but they'll be happier in the long run. (note: ignore this if you have kids with severe processing disorders)

Don't load and unload the car

There’s no scientific theory behind this one, unless it’s Newton’s first law of motion (An object at rest remains at rest until mommy decides the towels are starting to smell). I use a big green plastic container from IKEA and that’s where the sand toys, floaties and towels live in the back of the car. The baby carrier also lives in the car so literally all that needs to be done to go to the beach or pool is getting in the car and leaving. (which if you have kids, you know is a feat in and of itself)

Do pack a magic sand eraser

There’s only one gimmicky item that’s made it into my super lazy...er minimalist beach container and that’s a bamboo swaddle blanket. I discovered this black magic entirely by accident last summer. West coast sand has these gold flakes in it that stick to skin like glitter (which isn’t nearly as pretty as it sounds). Anyone who has tried to get four kids rinsed and sand free before they get in the car, knows it’s on the same level as completing a triathlon (one armed with a wet cat zip tied to your leg). Once, in desperation I yanked the blanket off the weakest member of the tribe in an assuredly futile attempt to get at least some of the caked wet sand off…. and Lo and behold it worked! So the swaddle blanket earned itself a permanent spot in the beach bag. I have considered getting myself a booth at the county fair “Step right up and let me show you the one and only MAGIC SAND ERASER for a low low price of $49.99 today only!!”. If however you decide to get yourself three for that price on Amazon, it does have to be the bamboo one. The cotton ones don’t work as well for some reason.

And that’s it. Simple! Easy! (I’m kidding, we all know it’s never easy). And sometimes I do pack all of the foods and huddle under my friends umbrella and lust after all of the cool beach stuff everyone else has. But hey do whatever you gotta do. (and if you’re a preparer and you’ve made it to the end of this, then here’s a Valium and some wine, thank you for loving me).

Every now and then I get into a hardcore debate with someone who thinks Myers Briggs is scientific rubbish. I don’t mind. Life is multiple choice that way, the other options for conflict include theology, politics or parenting and after you’ve been in a few nuclear showdowns about baby led weaning vs. rice cereal at 3 months ( that are so passive aggressive any eavesdropping man would have mistaken the napalm as showers of lily blossoms) you find joy in discussing whether or not sixteen personality types force 7.4 billion people into a box or not.

Multitasking is another thing that’s scientific rubbish these days. But I would argue (regarding this and Myers Briggs) that it all depends on your perspective and definitions.

Sometimes I feel like a terrible female. I know I’m supposed to love yoga, small dogs and world travel, but I prefer to practice pàisdean (gaelic for “children”, i.e. muscle suavity obtained by chasing four active little boys around all day), I only like dogs large enough to eat bad guys, and would happily claim a plot of earth with my husband and swear fealty to it. When my beloved little sister asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding...across the country, I immediately started charting “how much do I love thee” on an x y axis. After much denial, head-in-the-sanding, and throwing my phone at outrageous ticket prices I summoned the strength of my inner viking ancestors and sallied forth on a metal coffin with no leg room and eight dollar drinks.

Unfortunately I don’t have a phobia of flying or germs or anything conveniently treated with valium. I prefer to pack my demons with me in their more tangible form. Small children you have to trundle along to your destination without a) them killing themselves, b) someone else wringing their neck c) you doing all of the above. J being the wiser half, decided he had work requirements that kept him at home.

But on to the secret cure-all workout.

Fly a budget airline that doles even water out with all the stinginess of a desert crossing nomad. Pack all of your belongings into carry-on.

Bring a lap child. Make sure your connections are too tight to gate-check a stroller.

Sabotage the weather so those short connections turn into multi-hour delays.

Release the kracken...er toddler into a busy airport and follow it.

What this will gain you (besides a cardio and functional strength workout that rivals Crossfit) .

This is where the multi-tasking comes in. At the end of three hours you will have…

Memorized the floor plan of every concourse. This is helpful if there is a mass shooting as you are on a first name basis with all of the emergency exits your child tried to go through. It is also helpful for your career as a virtual signpost, pointing bedraggled travelers to their port in the storm.

You will have an in depth comprehensive analysis on what the current fashion trends are and who should and should not wear them.

You will start to see patterns of human behavior. Like creepy men smile and look side to side a lot, and attractive men stare straight ahead like a predator. I know...it doesn’t entirely make sense and surprised me too. Normal looking people have facial expressions that are totally neutral and chill...like they too were once a toddler who cut their teeth terrorizing every square inch of the place. Also, grandmas of every nationality like to give out candy and treats. I can only assume this is how the Hansel and Gretel story originated.

I was worried I would come back from the south ten lbs heavier from a steady diet of biscuits and beer, but instead I’m slimmer and wiser. The nervous twitch, and tick bites are barely noticeable at all.