Gordon Brown, former Girl Guide, passed strict rules today in a bid to stop sheep shagging Farmers from defiling innocent Bovines and Ovus and thus end their suffering.

Brown is convinced that the current 'Foot-in-mouth' scare is a smoke-screen for the syphllis that Farmers have unwittingly inflicted upon their beasts of burden.

"I am convinced that, in the war against Farmer firkling, we will triumph if the age old belief that a Farmer will lose his subsidies if he does NOT shaft his sheep, is quashed" said Mr Brown, an avid bluebottle collector.

It is noted, however, that 'El Gordinho' has somewhat of a personal agenda with which to vent his anger against the Farmer community.

It is broadly understood in non-farming circles that it is the farmer's habit, hobby and /or accepted custom to practice sodomy with their to-be McDonalds prime product or lamb chops.

But the Prime Minister's recent revelations that he is Urko, from 'Planet of the Apes' may well go some way to explain why he is so fervent against the Farmer community and their love of all things carnal with cows.

"Ever since my brother, Galen, was taken up the dirt pipe by some wellington-wielding, turnip-munching, constanly-moaning-about-the-price-of-red-diesel, DIRTY BASTARD farmer, I have felt the personal need to eradicate the scum from the face of the Earth" he raged, whilst under a hairdryer having a blue rinse at the local barbers.

Prime Minister Brown, the simian warlord, was last seen chanting "Kill the humans" and hitting old women over the head with the butt of a rifle.

Subsidies that end today include:

Potatoes that have dirt on them LOSE their £5 per potato grant.

Sheep that cannot be proven to have NOT been firkled by their human owner LOSE their £7,000 per anus inspection fee.

Red Diesel is to increase to 1p a litre, from the 0p current price. Farmers are expected to revolt most heartily on this, expect motorway queues as they send their brand new tractors up the M6.

Carrots have lost their £30 per carrot award for being carrot shaped and carrot coloured.

No more free lavender for farmers to aid masking the odours of their genital fungus.

Farmers must, in general, stop infecting their animals with various STD's if they wish to regain their "generous" subsidies, they are warned.

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