This blog is for caregivers, written by a caregiver, to give support, advice, and encouragement.

Reader’s Posts

I am delighted that others are reading my blog and commenting. That was the entire purpose, to open up dialogue. Some caregivers, at some point in their care giving, feel their situation is the worst. That may or not be the actual case, but the feelings are 100% real. In my journey as a caregiver, I felt few fellow caregivers I would speak with, felt safe to express their intermost feelings; the times you feel resentful, or at your lowest, when you wondered when they were going to die so you could have a ‘normal’ life again. It’s hard. When you have a healthy baby, you know each month is going to get a little bit better. WIth caregivers, we rarely have that to hang on to. My dearest and closest friend in the world, received her second cancer diagnosis and two days later learned her husband had a different, but very aggressive form of cancer. They tried to help each other, she is now in full remission, and he is now in the process of dying. They are both in their early 50’s. They have a 22 and 17 year old sons that live at home. It’s hard for her seeing how her sons are impacted. It’s hard watching her husband die. She gets frustrated, sad, overwhelmed, exhausted and angry at what they have had to deal with. In comparison, taken care of my mother-in-law was much easier; but it’s not a competition. Emotions are emotions, feelings are feelings, hardships are hardship, etc. Keep in mind, every single caregiver is part of a very special group of people; a group that gives of themselves when they feel they have nothing more, but they push on out of love, and at times a sense of duty. Some are the only family member, others come from a large family, but the only one that is willing to roll up their sleeves and do the hard work. May we all continue to be a source of encouragement and strength to each other, and for no one to ever feel they are all alone, with no one that understands.

There is an article in Energy Times entitled, LOVE’S CHALLENGE, Caring for an ill family member can be emotionally and physically wearying. Take note young caregivers, the photo on the front is of an older couple. Young caregivers get a special SHOUT OUT!

What a wonderful blog for caregivers to connect with one another. I am typing this from a tablet in a motel in Laramie wyoming..so I can’t type much, but your blog has been a wonderful find.. i think the main thing I am taking away today is that if you aren’t a caregiver yet, and are young, enjoy it, and count your blessings. My folks are still going strong, and I am thankful. I think caregivers, and especially those caring for kids on one end, and parents on the other deserve capes, as they are truly superpeople. thanks for your lovely blog!

I don’t mean to sound totally negative, because there are bright spots in taking care of my mother, she funny on a good day, she stubborn most days, and she speaks what is on her mind, no matter how one feels. the only occasion I see her tear up is when she thinks of our father. I can only imagine the loss she feels for a mate she was with for 50+ years, when she ask every day “how long has daddy been gone(meaning our dad, her husband)? its’ heart-wrenching, how does my ills compare?

I thank you Michele for responding to a 62 year old daughter whos’ woes are the same as countless other caretakers. Somehow we get through it right?

Bonnie. This may sound super simplistic, but have you ever called one of your siblings and directly said something like, ‘I need you to take care of Mom on Saturday, July 21, from 12 – 7’ or whatever date? When we are the ones that do things without being asked, just see the need and respond, it is hard to imagine while others do not do that, especially family members. Some times you have to direct them. I wonder at times if it is possible that I hurt myself by not asking directly. When I was very ill, no offers for help came in. I was shocked. I would set the alarm and get out of bed every couple of hours to care for her. I never called them directly and asked. Even your sister with Lupus, could come and sit with your Mom so you could go to the movies with peace of mind. You may have tried this, and it isn’t the complete answer, but some help could give you some sanity back. I’m sorry you had the car thrown up in your face, it seems like money often becomes a point of contention. I have stories on that also, but I won’t get into them now. It sounds like you were not completely emotionally ready to move to let your plans get derailed. You WANT to get relief, but guilt gets in your way. I hope you can find a solution that helps you in the meantime. Michele

Life Changing Event..
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BAIL OUT cont’d
After giving my notice of moving, and making all the arrangment down to the moving truck due to arrive on April 2, 2012. I received a call from the next oldest sister under me. This sister has systemic lupus so my heart goes out to her, basically I delayed my plans a year ago because of the state of my sisters health, another guilt trip. To continue on in regard to her reason for calling on March 31st was to work on my emotions and remind me that I was doing an awful thing leaving town before my moms car was paid for…you see my mom and I, based on our incomes together, purchased a car, which my mom pays the payments and I take care of insurance and repairs etc. Somehow this car was an obstacle preventing me from leaving, me being me allowed that to make me feel guilty yet again, like how selfish could I be…yet absolutely nothing has changed, I’m still here, they don’t help(the ones who are able) I could go on and on, but I would’t want to bore people who read this, however if this helps someone else to let out their sadness, fears, and frustrations,then this caregivers support blog has accomplished it’s intended goal.
Thanks Michele

First of all, I’m grateful to share my experience with others who understand my plight. I’ve read some of the blogs and some seem to mirror my experience in caregiving.
My journey began in may of 2000, when my dad passed away at age 68, relatively young I think. I can’t continue until I speak on my mothere’s tireless and faithful attention to my fathers needs, so much so, she did not take care of herself. I commend my mom for her strength during the two final years of his life. The days of dialysis, and the many doctor visits, hospital stays and chemotherapy, through it all she never complained. I do love her.

On May 17, 2000, the day my father died, everyone returned to their perspective homes, 7 of my 9 siblings were there by my moms side at the hospital with her while they prepared to take him from the hospital room. Since I was usually the one who came to drive my mom home due to poor vision, I was the obvious candidate. From that day forward I have I have been the caretaker of my mother. My mom did ask, as well as my sister. A that time i was glad to be able to help my mom out, so that she would not be alone in her grief, however she was able to take care of herself. Ten months later my mom had a mini-stroke that rendered her legally blind along with vascular dementia(forgetfulness/loss of shortterm memory) this was a life-changing event for myself and my mother. Needless to say I was not prepared to put my whole life on hold to care for my mom full time. This really took the wind out of her sails, even though I felt so sad for her, I tried to encourage her while feeling frustration and alone, because my siblings either didn’t know how to handle the situation, or they just left it to me because it was an easier transition for them.

In the months that followed, I struggled with resentment, guilt for having resentment, and depression. I thought that I would have more assistance from my siblings, at times, one or two of them would have my mom over, but not without me. Then my mother simply did not want to go out it was a struggle for her because of her poor vision which she wasn’t accustomed to.

Mom had another mini stroke, this time she had to be hospitalized because this one was more serious and required entering her into a rehab facility where she was a total pickle for the attendents and nurses, my youngest brother had to stay with her every night to mediate for the staff. It has been 15 months since her stroke, she has recovered remarkably well, however her speech is not yet normal and it may not ever be but she manages to communicate well. During the last 6 of the twelve years that I cared for my mother has been isolating because my siblings simply abandoned me and my mom. O h yes they call to ask how shes doing or drop by as though they are visitors, however not one of my sisters voluntees to spend a night , or a weekend. My brothers are not capable for various reasons. I have four sisters and five brothers. It seems that I could get a week off if the ones who are able would step up!

BIAL OUT
It has been twelve years since I began taking care of my mother. During those years, I have felt every emotion known by man, frustration resentment depression, anger, passiveness, all the above over and over again. I began to feel like I needed to get away from my mom because it is becoming more and more difficult to hide my frustration and not take it out on her(Ihave found myself apologizing to my mom for my tone) .I prayed for patience and understanding to cope and not think about how I have given up on my life as I knew it to care for my mom. After thinking on it, I decided I was going to move out of state to live near my son in Texas. I told my siblings my plans and I tol them why without trying to place the blame on them. However,they did not take kindly to my decision. to be continued…..

Bonnie, wow you have had it!! I’m sure you could find people outside your family that would tell you to do what you have to do for yourself. That may give you strength temporarily, but it the internal struggle that is just so hard. You do not want to feel like you are abandoning your Mom. I used to say ‘Guilt’ is a mother’s middle name, but I learned in time ‘GUILT’ is a caregiver’s middle name, some times it feels like our first name. Even when you provide superior care, it is the internal struggle that can eat you up. Start looking for facilities that you feel can give your dear Mom the care she deserves. Call the social worker at the hospital she was admitted to last time and ask for direction. Your family will never understand or probably support your decision to move, because that have had it good up to now. They have been at peace knowing the quality care you have provided. Once you make a decision, find peace within yourself for it. You will need that with your family. Take care, thanks for reaching out. Michele

Sure Bonnie. You never know when someone else may read it and have some practical suggestions for you, or maybe draw encouragement or strength from what you write. It will appear in the COMMENTS section. Michele