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Can’t Win For Losing

So. I’m always being told that I need to be more active. To push myself more. To try harder. To go out even when my pain level is high. Even when symptoms are bad. Even when side effects have me in their grip. Just try. Give it a shot.

So I did. This morning I went out to my patio to garden a bit. I enjoy my flowers and being outside. It’s cooler today and there’s a beautiful breeze. I weeded a little. I watered everyone. I talked to my plants. (They don’t talk back!) I was out for less than 35 minutes. Yes, I checked.

I came inside and before I could even get to the sink to wash my hands, I was hit with a severe back spasm. It literally brought me to my knees. I sat on the floor for about 10 minutes crying and shaking from the pain. I couldn’t move. When it finally eased, I made it to the kitchen (all of 10 steps.) As I washed my hands and face, I felt a sharp stabbing in my hip area. I made it to the kitchen chair and sat down. It was agony. Stabbing, burning pain. I thought I for sure had torn something.

Eventually I made my way into my bedroom. I couldn’t take anything for the spasms or the other pain for another 2 hours. I sat on my bed and cried. Tears of pain, frustration, anger, sadness, so many emotions. THIS is why I stop trying. It’s not worth what I go through as a result.

My pain is daily. It is always there. The levels may change and I have bad days and better days. I don’t have good days. Ever!

This is my life. Until a cure or at least an effective treatment is found.

I DO try. I go to appointments feeling like shit. I get my Mom to her appointments without fail. We get to the food store, the pharmacy, out to eat on occasion.

This is my normal. It has been for 7 years. It didn’t start this bad. But it’s gotten continuously worse as time goes by. Yes I’m depressed. Yes I’m anxious. Who wouldn’t be in this situation? I think I do pretty well considering.

But then I’m told that I must exercise, I must push. I know my current limits. And I exceed them daily due to not wanting to disappoint or be a burden. I’m not weak. If anything I’m stronger for going through this nightmare.

So. I’ll cancel another appointment today as I lay in bed, unable to move without pain. I gave myself a shot, which at best will let me sleep for 2-3 hours. It’s all I have.

I’ll keep hoping for a breakthrough in pain management or a cure for chronic pain, Fibromyalgia, and chronic migraine. It’s out there, I know. Hopefully it will not be too long a wait.