Archive for the ‘Life in Bizarreville’ Category

Officials are reporting that a number of major metropolitan centers are experiencing flooding at unprecedented levels. Meteorologists are baffled by this predicament since none of these cities have any significant precipitation in the past several weeks, nor have there been any unusual weather patterns that could have caused such flooding. Scientists who are experts in hydrology have been brought into the crisis, but are scratching their hairless heads to understand the phenomenon.

Yesterday, one researcher on the ground in New York City believes he has found the answer. The source of the water appears to be the millions of Democrats and Hillary-supporters who are crying literally oceans of tears for having lost the recent election. In Manhattan, they have brought in extra towels and crates of facial tissue to try and mop up the tears, but the volume has far exceeded the absorption rate, and the problem continues to worsen as the Electoral College vote nears.

“I believe they should warn citizens to find high ground, avoid major thoroughfares which could turn into destructive white water rapids, at least until after the Inauguration,” suggested the Researcher. “There is no guarantee that it will be much better after the Inauguration, but with the possibility of some of the biggest criers claiming to want to leave the country, the conditions could at least stabilize somewhat.”

Democrat leaders have discounted the Researcher claims, and believe that the flooding has been caused by the Russians hacking into the sewage treatment flow control systems. There has been no evidence of this, but Democrats say that they have never needed facts to prove their case in the past. “Anyone with half a brain could see this is a Russian conspiracy,” a Democrat official was heard saying. A rival in the crowd pointed out that the speaker spoke from authority, since he undoubtedly fit that brain-size category.

As the 2 candidates get ready for their first head-to-head debate, pundits are licking their saliva glands, readying themselves to parse every phrase, every choice of word, figure out how to take it completely out of context, and dream up a creative misinterpretation of the point, while drawing a conclusion on which fringe group or groups will be offended by it. They have hired out-of-work creative Hollywood writers out of failed sitcom TV shows by the dozens to help weave somethings out of nothings…a skill they are certainly proficient at…sparing no expense. Fortunately, the unemployed writers come pretty cheap. Turns out, most are also very good at making coffee and running down to the bagel shop.

At the moment, handlers for Hillary are developing contingency plans in case she passes out, or has a chow-blowing incident on stage. “We’re not saying we think it’s going to happen,” one senior flunkie said, “but given her recent faking-not-being-sick incidents, we must be prepared for a sudden breakdown…especially when Trump starts forcing her to answer real questions…something she has not had to deal with thus far. If she starts doing that weird fake laugh, that is a signal to be ready to move in, stat.”

Meanwhile, Donald says he does not want a lot of prep, suggesting that the audience gets bored to sleep when candidates start popping off useless facts and figures. He said his mission is to keep people awake, and discourage them from flipping the channel to the equally boring Atlanta Falcons Monday night game. He is thinking about tweeting football score updates while Hillary is talking, just to keep himself awake.

Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, as far as we know.

Special note to Bizarreville Nation: Our new book is now available on Amazon. Lame Duck is the story of 3 fellows in their last week before retirement…a corporate CEO, a renowned medical doctor, and the President of the US…who get wrapped up in a wild, whacky crisis…just as they were getting ready to hit the La-Z-Boy. Make it a gift for a friend.

Ever since realizing his gaffes have gained him popularity at each spouting, Donald Trump has been busy hiring a staff of professional gaffe-writers to come up with new politically incorrect, insulting, and/or offensive blurbs for him to rattle off during upcoming rallies. Most of the gaffe-writers have come from failed TV sitcoms. But Trump has warned that a good gaffe is not the same as a bad joke…so do not use any previously failed punch lines, and pawn them off as political gaffes. Cleverness is important.

Clearly, Mr. Trump has turned his apparent verbal fumbles into an art form, but an art form that apparently only he is able to pull off. Others have tried, but invariably only look like nincompoops…then becoming double-nincompoops when they try to re-spin their failed artwork.

“It’s a naturally born talent,” Trump commented at a Gamblers Anonymous fundraiser in Vegas…throwing another log on the fire of whether some of his opponents are naturally born citizens or not. “It’s like trying to teach an illegal immigrant from Cuba how to play hockey for the Calgary Flames.” That drew hisses and boos from the crowd in the basement of Caesars. But it was certain to gain him at least 2 poll percentage points in the Nevada Caucus, poll experts agreed.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, at least at the time of the writing.

In a surprising development, Donald Trump has surged to a huge lead among Republican hopefuls in the 2016 Presidential nomination race. Recent polls show Trump favored by 22% of likely GOP voters, over double the polling numbers of Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, and the others in the crowded field. His performance in the recent first Republican debate was judged to be horrendous by pundits and various gallery sitters, but his numbers jumped 3 points the next day. Political experts are shaking their heads.

Some say that his recent rise was partly attributable to pissing off different groups of people. For example, he pledged to build an impenetrable wall at the Mexican border and would squeeze the 11 million illegal immigrants to high tail it out of Dodge before he invoked some sort of “You’re Fired” consequence to expedite matters. He even said he would personally use his considerable persuasive skills to make the Mexicans pay for the wall, but might allow them to retain his construction business to do the work at a special discount rate.

Trump would get tough on the Chinese for dumping their cheap products into the US, and force high tariffs on tee-shirts, crappy trinkets, and underwear. He said he would personally go Commando, if necessary, to make the point.

He would plan to anger environmentalists by scaling back regulations and outlawing any further study of so-called global warming, or global cooling, or whatever temperature direction is being dreamed up by faux-scientists. He would advocate a re-training program for ex-environmentalists to help them learn how to do real work.

Trump has gotten world leaders concerned by his expressing that the US needs to get tough. He has said that they need to get rid of stupid people who are in critical leadership roles. Some leaders are nervously worried that those comments are aimed directly at them.

It seems the more people he gets riled, the higher his poll numbers rise.

Other candidates are taking note, and are strategizing with their political consultants on how to mold their own piss-off campaigns. They recognize that this approach is hitting a nerve with the voting public, and that means votes. One campaign chairman, who wished to remain anonymous, said that he had his whole staff working on lists of various groups, whether they be related to physical traits, ethnicity, orientation, disorientation, or special interest, and concocting ideas that would set them off, big-time.

“The trick is not just picking the right group to anger, but picking the particular messages that will really tick them off,” said the chairman. “Selecting a great target, but splashing them with a milky jab could backfire. And that could mean curtains for a campaign.”

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction. If any eventually become true, that would just be coincidence.

A Conservative and a Liberal walk into a bar. The bartender tells the Lib that he’s okay to stay, but he cannot serve any nasty, ugly, pompous Conservatives without a Court Order. The Lib says: Fine, order the Court a cheeseburger and a Light beer.

How many Tea Partiers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb, and a second to whine about the regressive Utility power grid taxes.

Two Conservatives walk into a bar. One asks the bartender if he has any tea for a Tea Party he would like to organize. The bartender says: We only serve Long Island Iced Tea in here. The Conservative says: Let me taste that…why that’s not even tea, it’s just plain booze. He drinks the rest, and shakes his head. The bartender says: Well, I’m sorry, but that’s all we have. The two Conservatives leave, cracking up as they walk out the door. One says: Six more bars like this and we’ll have a good buzz on.

Why did the Conservative talk show host decide not to cross the road? So as to not look like he was being too sympathetic with the other side, and risk losing half of his fan base.

An environmentalist, a liberal economist, and a Conservative are walking along the street when they see an electric car whizzing by. The environmentalist says: There’s a person who is environmentally responsible, and helping avoid greenhouse gases. The lib economist says: There’s a person who understands that burning fossil fuel in a dirty internal combustion engine is a big money-loser in the long-term. The Conservative just smiles and says: I don’t think they even offer a radio option in that piece of $#!t.

The new book has arrived, and is available at Amazon by clicking on the bizarreville button, or the bookcover on the right sidebar——–>

The Obamanation is a futurescape novel that imagines the country a few years from now led by the next generation of liberal-minded leaders who extinguish the dangerous NFL and replace it with a touch football league, who outlaw unhealthy French fries and Tootsie Rolls, find new ways to reward shirkers at the expense of workers, and drive manufacturing companies to relocate overseas…all done, of course, with appropriate doses of sarcasm, satire, and irreverence that you would expect from Bizarreville.

Get your copy now for yourself, for a friend, or an unfriend for that matter. Hurry up before we all become Obamanons.

Yesterday, police were called to a scene on Bizarreville Boulevard where a crowd of angry geriatrics were protesting police discrimination against old people. Some of the geezers were throwing rocks at windows, but the hurls were so weak that the rocks just meekly bounced off the glass without damage.

Protesters griped that they were constantly being harassed by cops just because of age. One 90-year old said he was pulled over just because he was driving the wrong way down a 1-way street. When he could not remember where he had put his drivers license or registration, he was instructed to get out of the car, then was threatened with having to go to the police station.

Others in the crowd agreed that they had been similarly harassed for piddly things like driving through a stop sign, ramming into a mailbox, or crossing over double yellow lines on high-speed highways.

“It’s profiling, plain and simple,” grunted one codger. “Profiling. And profiling is illegal. And not only that, profiling is illegal. Prorating…I mean, profaning…that is…hmmm, what was I talking about?”

One poor chap retold a story when he inadvertently wet his pants, and some of the fluid dripped onto a sidewalk. A cop eating a damn doughnut nearby asked him to go over and stand in the grass until the dripping stopped, so that the sidewalk wouldn’t turn yellow. Then he went back to eating his doughnut. The old man was humiliated and outraged, and drew the ire of the rest of the protesters, many of whom had similar wetness stories that, up to now, they were reluctant to share.

Another said a cop gave him a hard time when he forgot to put on his pants before going on his morning walk along Main Street. “I had my skivvies on. There was nothing showing. And yet, here was this cop deciding to pick on me for no good reason.”

One angry old man said he had gotten manhandled by a police officer just because he had mistakenly forgotten to pay his food tab at The Diner 3 or 4 times. The cop forced him to go into the kitchen, and told him he was going to have to wash dishes…but backed-off when the old man pulled a C-note out of his wallet. The cop refused to take it, but the old guy said it wasn’t for him…it was to pay the damn tab. “See, there you go. Another cop on the take.” All the protestors nodded in agreement.

The rally broke up at 4:30, when they all said they had to leave and catch the Early Bird specials at their respective favorite eateries. They said they would be back marching tomorrow, if nothing good was playing on TV.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but I’m guessing you already figured that out.

Be on the lookout: The much awaited, much anticipated new book is soon to arrive: The Obamanation, by Robert Thomas. It is a futurescape novel that imagines what the country might be like after you-know-who’s successor takes office, featuring the same crazy satire and irreverent humor you would expect. Should be listed on Amazon within the next day or two…still in time for a last minute stocking stuffer.

The Association of Punks, Thugs, and Hoodlums (APTH) has announced plans to file a discrimination lawsuit in the Bizarreville District Court. For years, APTH has complained that they have been isolated from society, never considered an official “protected class”, and had to put up with disparaging joking from handicapped people, LGBT people, ethnic minorities, and others chiding them for their exclusionary status. The joke has now gone too far, and APTH is going on the offensive.

The most recent incident that ignited the brouhaha was when 3 knife-wielding thugs got thrown out of Melford’s Bar for rabble-rousing, threatening customers, and failing to lift the seat on a family unisex restroom commode. The bartender told them that they don’t serve punks like them, and promptly had the bouncers throw them out on their respective ears into the back alley.

“Punks like them?!?” a spokesman for APTH exclaimed. “What does that nimrod bartender really mean when he says ‘Punks like them’? What is he trying to say? I’ll tell you what he’s trying to say. He’s saying just because some booze pouring bozo does not like the look of a man’s knife sheath, or the colors of this tattoos all over his face, or maybe just his armpit smell…he thinks he has the right to discriminate. Well, that should not and cannot be allowed to stand.”

During their interview, the 3 victims said that, in the past, they would have just started throwing chairs, overturned pool tables, tossed beer cans, and beat up a few arbitrary innocent patrons. But that time has long since gone. Now they prefer legal remedies. One victim said he was going to hold-out for free drinks at that bar for a full year. His thug buddy nudged him, and suggested he set his sights higher…three years…hell, why not four?

The owner of the bar said he was considering just converting the establishment into a sanctioned gay bar, where discrimination against all non-gays was perfectly acceptable and lawful. He said he could no longer afford to pay for a lawyer who charges him $400 per hour, including the time he spends on his crapper, and needs to go to some kind of Plan B.

APTH attorneys agreed that Melford could employ the Gays Protection Law to keep his clients out of the bar…for now. But he said that might be the next lawsuit in the works, where punks and bullies could once again be free to beat up anyone, no matter what their sexual orientation was. Freedom is all they want.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction. At least for now.

Northfunk Airlines announced yesterday, amid growing numbers of complaints from customers who are forced to sit next to obnoxiously fat people on flights, a new policy to deal with the obese. The Northfunk airplanes have been internally modified to make the back two rows of seats extra wide for the 300-pounders who fly. These seats, called the Fat Boy Specials, will be required seating for the enormous bulk set. defined as any passenger weighing more than 300 pounds. A $75 surcharge will be assessed for these thick passengers occupying Fat Boy Specials. Normal weight people will also be able to spend the $75 on the seats after all the chunksters have been seated, depending on availability.

The airline said that previous attempts to deal with fat people on a voluntary basis were unsuccessful. The airline had asked obese riders to purchase two seats in the past, but none complied. Fat passengers just bought a single seat, and let gravity take over. The barrage of complaints from customers who were getting squished by rolls of sweaty fat spilling over their armrests, made the company decide to finally take action. Weigh scales will be placed at the entry doors in their terminals.

The AFA immediately threatened to file a lawsuit, citing discrimination against the minority group of “hungry overeaters”, just because of their slow metabolism medical conditions. A Northfunk spokesman said that they still want fat people to ride their planes, unless total weight limits are exceeded, or jetways are unable to support the weight.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction…so far as we know.

This is the perfect time of year to find something out of the ordinary for stocking stuffing. Choose the quintessential gift of satire: Bizarreville Campfire Stories. You can easily click on the book cover on the right to link to Amazon, or the B&N image to link to those folks. Face it, the same old traditional stocking stuffers are not going to give you the Wow Factor, like the craziness of Bizarreville. Do it today.

Our new book has now been published…Bizarreville Campfire Stories. This is a new book of 36 fun little stories, chock full of whimsy, hyjinx, and satire, with a splash of irreverent humor thrown in for good measure. Here is just a quick sample of the stories:

Grabbing Karl is a story about a neo-socialist movement leader who travels back in time to grab Karl Marx and bring him to the 21st century to help launch his new movement. Karl has interesting takes on social development over the past 150 years.

Nowhere is about a little town in need of federal funding to rebuild a bridge which is ready for collapse, poking a little fun at the dynamics between town leaders and their legislator who is not too keen on the idea of yet another bridge to nowhere.

Diary of a Recovering Tax-and-Spendaholic traces the writings of a poor legislator afflicted by this debilitating disease, as he desperately tries to figure out how to get his problem under control.

The Freeload Tree is the enchanting story of an amazing tree whose leaves perfectly resemble a 20-dollar bill, and takes us through the humorous outcomes as more and more of the public becomes aware of it.

The Unlevel Playing Field is the tale of a college football programs with a poor winning history coming up with a creative solution to improve their home field advantage.

The End of Customer Service is the story of the last company in the country that offered real customer service before introducing a brand new marketing strategy that revolutionized the industry in a different sort of way.

War Inc is an interesting business success story, as a young startup company tries to convince country after country to outsource their war business to seasoned pros, but then gets unexpectedly ambushed by a war discounter.

Revenge of Ponzi is the tale of Fred Ponzi who is fed up with people making jokes about his name, and decides to turn the tables.

There are 28 more amazing, bizarre, zany stories like these. Great gift idea. Get a jump on holiday shopping. You can order Bizarreville Campfire Stories today at Amazon…for a couple weeks, Amazon is offering an introductory discount on the book, so act now. You will love it. We will put a link to Amazon on our website soon, but for now, just go on Amazon and put the book title in the search block.