8 Things to Do With His Balls

I guarantee he'll be satisfied! Or confused. Or annoyed.

1. Look at them. The balls are like the pre-makeover She's All That of the male genitalia. Just because they are wearing glasses and paint-stained overalls doesn't mean there's not something beautiful under it. What I am trying to say is that Rachel Leigh Cook is testicles.

2. Sharpie one dot on each ball so that his penis looks like the face of a large, friendly elderly gent. Why, yes, Mr. Bumbershoot, I would love to come to your retirement home and enjoy some hard candy from the guest bowl!

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3. Quote iconic movie lines at them. Right before you have sex, look them square in the head and say, "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

4. Place them in a really beautifully framed shot of macarons, or flowers, or other Insta-bait. Like any style blogger's Instagram with thousands of shares, only instead of a cute, smiling girl pulling it all together, it's balls.

5. Tie a bow around them. Sometimes looking at Pinterest for ball-styling inspiration is helpful.

6. Blow them a kiss. Just so they know you're thinking of them, appreciating the fact that they slave away over a beautiful dinner for you while you're at work, because that's what society says balls should do for their girlfriends.

7. Backhandedly make his shaft and his balls hate each other. To the balls: "The shaft said the funniest thing about you guys the other day … I'm not gonna repeat it. But you know how it can be so judgmental." To the shaft: "I wasn't gonna tell you but I'm a really good friend, so … the balls have been talking about how you've gained a little weight."

8. Go outside the house and peer inside the house at them with binoculars. "Observe, if you will, the nature of the fairly common — but no less beautiful for it — white-crested scrotum," say out loud to nobody in particular until someone calls the cops because you're creepily staring into a house with binoculars.