I rate every animal

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Easter is this Sunday, and with it will come the Easter Bunny. But did you know that the Easter Bunny is actually a rabbit? I know, bunny’s right in the name, but it turns out he has nothing to do with Playboy.

Not all rabbits are immortal beneficent givers of eggs and candies, however. The rabbit is also capable of evil, as the recent spate of theatrical rabbit-on-rabbit serialkillings shows.

This is its design.

And the Easter Bunny shouldn’t get off with its motives totally unquestioned either. I mean, where is it even getting those eggs?

Special powers

The rabbit has extremely lucky feet. It has never tripped in its life. Once it slid on some ice into a curb and it seemed like it was going to trip, but at the last possible moment it did the Charleston instead.

It sleeps with both eyes open because it trusts no one.

When the rabbit wears a dress, wig and makeup – and believe me, given enough time, it will – it becomes irresistibly attractive to anyone normally attracted to human women.

The sexiest.

It is incapable of vomiting.

Weaknesses

The rabbit’s tail is made of cotton, the favorite fabric of Zooey Deschanel and states’ rights enthusiasts. Though luxuriously soft, it is also functionally useless, tailwise.

It eats its own poop. It’s like, hey rabbit, just absorb the nutrients right the first time, dummy. Duh doy. Seems obvious to me.

It is incapable of vomiting.

Number of legs

Four.

Nomenclature

The male rabbit is called a buck; the female is known as a doe; and the child is a kitten, in a set-up identical to a deer couple who adopt a cat.

What if it fought a bear?

The best rabbit is immortal and has nothing to fear. The worst rabbit can split the bear in half. Between these points is mostly just easy rabbit meat.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

So we don’t know where the Easter Bunny gets eggs from. But whatever its source, is it getting exactly the right number for the houses it breaks into? Surely there are extras to account for any eggs broken in the distribution process. So what happens to the leftovers?

The dwarf pipe snake is easy to understand. All you have to do is picture the Asian pipe snake, but pretend it doesn’t have a chin groove. You’re almost there, but also…

Actually, forget it. Who can think about the dwarf pipe snake at a time like this? We are in the middle of award season, and it is getting heated. I’m talking about the Globes, the Grammys, the Latin Grammys, the Prussian Grammys, the Venusian MegaGrammys, the PGAs, the DGAs, the SAGs, the J*A*Gs, the People’s Choice Awards, all leading up to the Oscars just a mere seven months from now. There’s a lot to analyze, so let’s take a look first at some animals who are top contenders this year.

Top contenders

As always, the blue whale is a heavy[1] favorite in all the music categories. It should win all manner of Grammys and get ever closer to its goal of filling its bathtub entirely with the things. And it has one big bathtub, friend.

Speaking of music, the drake has a strong possibility of winning Best Rap Song for “Started From The Bottom” about finding a choice piece of bread that sank to the lake floor.

“You’re a good hen and you know it.”

Everyone is looking to the porcupine to win Pointiest Quills, and not just because the voters are all petrified it will kill someone if it loses. That award genuinely seems tailor-made for it, honestly, especially the part where its name has already been etched into it by the sculptor at quill-point.

Achievement in Noses is the proboscis monkey‘s to lose.

And of course, the tree frog is expected to take home Wackest Living Creature for the ninety-sixth year running.

Dark horse picks

If you’re going to win your office awards pool, you can’t just pick the big names everyone expects to win. You need to select some lower profile animals who have a good shot at pulling off the upset.

Animals like the mule. It doesn’t have the pedigree of some other nominees, but don’t underestimate the appeal of youth and a good personal story. It just might surprise people and knock off an obvious favorite like the dark horse.

It’s hard to beat.

I freely admit this is a long shot, but if Tim Allen does rush in from nowhere to slam K.K. Barrett from the top rope and win Best Production Design, a category in which he is neither nominated nor eligible, I will win $956 million. I couldn’t afford not to place that bet.

Snubs and flubs

The various bodies that hand out awards this time of year aren’t infallible, I’m afraid. After all, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association was made up by a sixth-grader and has only continued to exist out of momentum. That’s just one example. The others have their own problems[2], and so have fallen into some serious flubs, not to mention snubs as well.

Foremost among these is totally ignoring the cat for its supporting performance in Inside Llewyn Davis. You know how people sometimes say New York City is like its own character? Well, the cat is a million times better in Inside Llewyn Davis than New York is in any movie, though maybe not Barkhad Abdi good. But still, it deserved a nomination.

Shame on you, Oscar.

Consider next the ridiculous nomination of the bat for Achievement in Fruit-Eating Among Mammals. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I think the bat isn’t a world-class fruit-eater. I vote to induct it into the Hall of Fame every year I can. My issue is that as you can tell by its wings, the bat is clearly a bird. Duh-doy.

Speaking of categorization controversy, there has been much talk of the California condor being deemed ineligible in the meat-eating categories because, according to the academy, its meals are derivative of another animal’s kill.

What to watch for

Awards season isn’t all just a list of winners and losers nominees. Much of the excitement[citation needed] comes from the ceremonies themselves. Who will wow on the red carpet? Who will beach themselves on the red carpet and nearly asphyxiate to death? Will someone make a hilarious and timely joke about Kanye West upstaging Taylor Swift five years ago?

The chamois is sure to pull some kind of mysterious stunt to promote its next project.

The whole fashion industry is on the edge of their seats to see the swan‘s wardrobe after last year’s “human” dress that got everyone talking (none of it complimentary). But hey, she felt like a princess, albeit a creepy Thomas Harris nightmare princess. It will be a hard act to follow at any rate.

Keep an eye on the presenters this year. If you look closely, you may find that a full 58% of them forget to read the teleprompter out loud and instead just mouth the words along with it. Thanks to tape delay, these presenters can immediately dub themselves before the East Coast feed even notices.

It goes by “Bangolin” in the rave scene, but its true name is the pangolin.

In salsa club, it’s known as “Tangolin.”

Special powers

The pangolin is perhaps most succinctly described as an anteater Tony Stark. Its back is covered in scaly armor. The scales are made of keratin, the same substance your fingernails are made of.[1] There’s nothing the pangolin loves more than a full body massage/pedicure at the nail salon.

This armor is made even more useful by the fact that the pangolin can roll up into a little ball. It’s the roly-poliest animal I’ve rated since the giant panda.

However, the pangolin’s tongue is much longer than the panda’s.

Weaknesses

The pangolin is literally toothless. It’s not figuratively toothless; it has plenty of courage. Not that it’s extraordinarily courageous, mind you. If it were, I would have mentioned it in Special powers. I’m not slipping mentally. I’m not.

Now where was I? What animal is this? Right, the pangolin. I knew that. I… I was testing you. Anyway, the pangolin is really bad at chess. Every time, it thinks it has a brand new strategy, but all these ideas are just dumb. Most embarrassing was its “King’s Elbow” scheme, which hinged on the power of the leftmost pawn and the mobility of the king. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the pangolin hadn’t named the strategy and laminated résumés mentioning it.

Number of legs

Four.

Fun quote from my encyclopedia of animals

“Pangolins may also eat ants, although they seem to do this unintentionally.”

Diet

The pangolin prefers termites. Almost exclusively. However, like all of us, it’s not immune to a few ants slipping in there now and again. To deal with this problem, the pangolin will swallow pebbles to crush the ants in its stomach before they can survive long enough to form a society. It has also been known to swallow tiny pistols, ball-peen hammers, or ant serial killers for the same reason.

Is it a tetherball?

The answer may surprise you. But probably not.

What if it fought a bear?

The pangolin can just curl up and ride it out.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

This little guy is pretty much awesome. It’s oddly cute; it’s unique; it’s roly-poly; it’s an animal that comes with its own friggin’ armor.

Tragically, the pangolin is the victim of humanity’s suckiest and jerkiest impulses, and in danger of disappearing forever. To find out how to help it not do that, maybe check out: http://savepangolins.org/help

The tarantula is unusual among poisonous creatures. Most such animals generate their venom through specialized organs that synthesize hate into deadly chemicals. The tarantula is capable of hate, yes, but it is not as spiteful as its reputation might make one think. It is just as venomous as the best of them, however; it just uses a different formula. The tarantula creates poison through the art of dance.

As a result of this unique, home-brewed recipe, the only way to counteract the tarantula’s bite is to reverse the process – to dance it out. The danger, of course, besides dying of venom, is that you will perfectly repeat the tarantula’s own “danse macabre” it used to craft it, and end up dying of double-poison and sentenced to the redundant punishments of Hell-Squared.

Weaknesses

The tarantula lives in small burrows, which it never ever cleans. It will fill a home to the brim with old issues of Good Housekeeping, and then just abandon it. It’s like the reverse of a house flipper. It’s a house ruiner.

Despite appearances of symmetry and its excellent dancing, all eight of the tarantula’s legs are left legs.[1] This means it has a terrible time using ladles.

Number of legs

Eight (left).

Number of lungs

Four (three right, one left).

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Male tarantulas have special spinnerets surrounding the genital opening. Silk for the sperm web of the tarantula is exuded from these special spinnerets.”

“Hello, ladies.”

Age

According to Guinness World Records, the oldest tarantula ever lived to be 49 years old. If the idea of a spider that is older than millions of adult humans doesn’t strike you as terrifying, then I don’t know what to tell you. Except maybe, “Hey, you aren’t acquainted with fear the way I imagine a normal person should be.” But that’s a weird thing to tell somebody.

What if it fought a bear?

The tarantula can destroy the bear with anything but an electric slide, which creates the least powerful venom. Just real shoddy stuff.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

An aged, bird-eating, hair-covered spider of great size, weaving “sperm webs.” That should send a chill down your spine. Seriously. Check your spine, dude. It might be defective.

Anyway, the tarantula is the best dancer I’ve reviewed yet. Just don’t move in next door; your property value will drop.

8/10

[1]That “two left feet” thing is just a saying and shouldn’t be taken literally.

Statistics tell me that one in three of you reading this are shoveling honey into your mouth from a huge jar right now.* But where did this honey come from? The answer is the honeybee.

This thing made your precious sugar goop.

When not generating honey, the honeybee engages itself in various other tasks depending upon its position in the colony. The honeybee’s organizational structure is one of rigid specialization, with essentially zero opportunity for upward mobility. No matter how hard a drone works, it will never be promoted to drone manager.

But anyway, what about these tasks? They include building the hive’s wax combs, collecting nectar and pollen from flowers, making kamikaze runs at comparatively huge animals who may not even be interested in bothering them, filling out expense reports. Their most loathed job requirement falls under the category of nectar-collection, and it’s the quota of new flowers each bee is expected to bring in. This can be especially frustrating when there aren’t good leads to work with.

Always Bee Pollinating.

Special powers

The honeybee is a terrific dancer. So terrific, in fact, that it uses dance in order to communicate. Dances it has mastered include the:

Waggle Dance

Tremble Dance

Shiver Dance

River Dance

Flashdance

Locomotion

Macarena

Twist

Twist Again

Yo, Twist feat. The Fat Boys

Christoph Waltz

And this is just a partial list.

Weaknesses

Unlike the bumblebee, the honeybee cannot temporarily annoy someone else without tearing its own innards out.

Number of legs

Six.

Administrative structure

The honeybee is governed by the honeybee queen. She wields near-absolute power, allowing for the exception that she does not have the power of mobility. She is trapped for life in the nest, grotesquely fat with eggs at all times. The notion that she can detach herself from her egg sack is a Hollywood fantasy invented by James Cameron to spice up the finale of True Lies.

What isn’t a myth is the queen’s control over her employees through chemical signals, which keep them too doped up to realize that she’s a fat lazy piece of crap who doesn’t deserve the diamond jubilee celebration she forces the colony to give her every few years.** Nor the stock options she gives herself either.

What if it fought a bear?

Have you even read Winnie the Pooh?

Is it noble?

Drones and workers? Moderately.

The queen? No.

Final rating

The honeybee is immeasurably better at making honey than any other animal in the world. Seriously, raccoon-honey is basically the worst thing I’ve ever put in a peanut butter sandwich.***

At the whole having-a-society thing, its failures are as inescapable as the honeybee’s death after a sting. A revolution is needed before the honeybee will ever make it into the upper tier of animals. …Wait, what are you doing? Oh no, the queen heard me. She’s just chemically controlling you! You don’t want to do this! Attack her! Rise up, bee brethren and – ow! Ow! No! Nooooo!

Killing me won’t bring back your ******* rating!

2.5/10

*My data sample comes primarily from the cast of Winnie the Pooh.

**More like diamond jubibee. I’ll let myself out.

***Raccoonswax is pretty on point, though. It’s no beeswax, but it does alright.