Wednesday, 4 June 2008

As time goes by, Internet dating is moving away from the realm of the live-action roleplayer and the milk-stained overcoat-wearing man who lurks in bushes outside gated communities. Sites such as Lava Life have taken the phenomenon into the mainstream, meaning that more and more people are attempting to find love using these websites, with varying degrees of success. One common problem facing these loveless losers is the vast array of different people vying for one’s attention, forcing the user to trawl through pages and pages of unsuitable suitors in the hope that one piece of wheat may be hiding in the chaff of bad haircuts.

But a new website seeks to change all this. Vacuous People was started by Hans and Jurgen Jugendherberge in their native Germany two years ago, and the site has crossed over, with an American version days away.

“We use a combination of questionnaire and picture analysis to determine suitability,” Hans told me in his boudoir. “A potential member must answer various questions about their opinions on politics, art, hobbies and so on. If that person shows to feel strongly about anything other than going to the gym or tanning salon and drifting through empty, thankless one-night-stands, we block their entry then and there.”

“Caring about the environment may be seen as an asset elsewhere,” his brother added, “but if it’s more than a superficial nod in the direction of Mother Earth, we don’t want to hear from you. Sorry.”

Existing members are also called upon to view photographs submitted by prospective members. If the newbie seems too interesting, the members give them a low score on a scale of 1 (“very interesting”) to 10 (“Paris Hilton”). After three days, if the rating is less than five (“moribund”), then they are told that they are not welcome. A quick for anyone about to submit their photo: if you wear glasses, the chances are you won’t get in.

In the spirit of fair play, I tried to become a member of vacuouspeople.ca, which has been running for two months now. Unfortunately I failed at the first hurdle, apparently getting immediate censure for not ticking “don’t know” as my political affiliation and nailing my own coffin by not ticking “bars” as one of my interests. Even if I had have succeeded here, my picture gained a score of 3 (“somewhat interesting”) and so I would have been turned away at the second hurdle. (Incidentally, some of the comments were quite painful to read. They included “He looks like he could be a talented humorist” and “I’d definitely kick him out of bed for quoting Fichte”)

So I encouraged an acquaintance – let’s call him Ian, because that’s his name – to see if he could join, and give us some ideas of VP’s benefits. He had no trouble being accepted by the other empty-headed denizens, as he is as vacant as a specialist SUV parking space at a Greenpeace office. He spends more per year on fake tan than on transport, and if you ask him what his hobbies are he says “milk”.

Ian went on several dates with members of VP, and he praised the other members highly. They were very attractive (as the website promised) and offered no interesting or stimulating conversation at all. In one case, according to Ian, the date lasted three hours and nothing was said between him and his date throughout. Then they went to his apartment and had sex.

VacuousPeople.com really does look like a great place for blank, empty-minded individuals to connect, get to know each other’s lack of opinion or just compare eating disorders. It really isn’t for the type of person who enjoys conversation topics more stimulating than ‘things that are brown’ or ‘I like breathing,’ but it comes especially recommended for rich heirs and heiresses, celebrity impersonators and people with trendy haircuts.

The Imaginary Reviewer likes long walks on the beach, cuddles on the sofa and reviews. Check out his profile at www.lonely-reviewers.com!

Amanda: I believe even interesting people can access one-night-stand.com, but it's a similar premise, for sure.

Falwless: Discussing brown things is fine, to a point, in my opinion. Spending a four-hour pub drinkathon talking about soil and...erm...chocolate...and...and...where was I again? Shall I get another drink?

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