In Praise of Dumping a Cheater

Her boyfriend of six years had bought a ring. But when this 20something caught her guy two-timing, she dumped him in no time. Oh, and she thinks you should do the same if ever faced with that situation.

After the Anthony Weiner scandal, I remember being at a coffee shop and overhearing one woman say to another, "Good for Huma for staying. The easy thing to do is walk away." I nearly choked on my latte. Because I know from experience that walking away from someone you've loved for years is anything but easy. In fact, it was one of the most painful and difficult things I ever had to do. But I didn't hesitate (well, at least not more than a few moments) and I don't regret it. I do worry, though, that with the rash of two-timing celebs and politicians whose wives are sticking by their sides, there will be a shift towards staying with a cheater.

Which is why I decided to share my story. Because while the bitch at the coffee shop is dead wrong—it's not easy—continuing a relationship with someone who's betrayed your trust is just asking to be hurt again. And getting the hell away from any scumbag who is, ahem, double-dipping, is the only sane option, in my opinion.

Matt and I had been together for over 6 years. We met when I was 20, working together at a restaurant during summer vacation from college. I had the biggest crush on him and I can recall every single time we interacted, from when he first sat next to me to fold napkins to when he first asked me out on a date. We got serious within a few months and unlike with previous boyfriends, he was always the one initiating everything—being exclusive, saying I love you, then later moving in.

When we went back to school in the fall, we decided to take turns visiting each other. I saw him every few weeks and the following summer, we practically lived together. After graduation, he asked me to move in with him—officially, this time—and he made it clear that he wanted to live with me forever. I didn't even have to think about it. There was nobody else for me.

Our families seemed to think we were perfect for each other too. Both his parents and mine would tease us, asking how long it would be before we got engaged. There was even a blank frame on the wall of his father's house for our future wedding photo. None of this made me anxious. Only excited, knowing we were heading in that direction. When I came across the receipt for a ring, I was giddy and I secretly started planning our perfect wedding.

Our relationship wasn't perfect and once or twice, I suspected he was up to something shady. Not necessarily doing anything that would be wrong, at least not on paper. But there were times when I didn't think he was being totally honest with me. But I loved him and I knew that he was faithful to me so I didn't give it much thought.

But one night, as I was cleaning up our apartment after Matt had gone to bed, wondering when he would pop the question, I heard his cell phone vibrate on the kitchen counter. The screen was lit up and it said that he had 14 new text messages and five missed calls. It was 1 a.m. on a Saturday and I panicked that maybe something bad had happened. So I decided to see who the texts and calls had come from.

They were from "R." No last name. Just an initial. I knew every single one of his friends and had met all of his colleagues and had no idea why someone I didn't know could call and text him so many times. While I was holding his phone, the next message came in and I was horrified to see what it said. "It's been too long since you've been in me. Come overrrr!". I sat down for about five seconds, my heart pounding, then I made a decision without even realizing I was making it. I walked into our bedroom and woke Matt up.

I didn't ask for an excuse, I just demanded he tell me who she was. I think because he saw that I had already made up my mind that I was angry at him, he told me the truth. R was Rachel, a girl he had grown up with and had run into at a bar five months earlier. They'd started hooking up, but he said he was planning to end it soon. Then he asked me to forgive him.

"Maybe one day I'll be able to," I said. "But that's not enough." Then I asked him to leave our place. He begged and pleaded, but I didn't budge. How do I know he won't do it again? was all I could think about. And when he walked out the front door, a small part of me felt relief that the decision was made. I would never have to sit up at night while he was out, wondering if he was with R...or the next R. I would never have to fight the urge to check his phone or stalk his Facebook page. I would never have to think, while having sex with him, What if he's doing this with someone else? Maybe relief is the wrong word, because I also felt an acute loss—not just of my boyfriend, but of the future I'd been imagining—but I was lifting a weight off my shoulders. A weight I know I would have felt in the future.

During those next few weeks he wrote me letter after letter apologizing, saying how much he loved me and asking me not to walk away from him and our relationship. What he didn't understand was that in my head, he was the one who had walked away. And I knew I could not stand by somebody who had chosen not to stand by me.

So for me, the decision itself was easy, but it was certainly not the easy way out. I struggled over the next few months while Matt continued to ask me to come back. I packed up all of my things, found a new place to live, and attempted to put on a brave face, essentially starting a new life. It was painful, but much more painful would have been staying. Even if he never cheated again (unlikely), I'd never be as happy with him as I once thought possible. And I know there's someone else out there who won't force me to make the decision to stay or go.