Im having a hard time letting go of all of the frustration at any time. Its impossible, if im not thinking about one part of my Hs A then im thinking about how bad it was before or how good I thaught it was. I wanted to have everything with him and we already had so much. We were high school sweet hearts, 2 beautiful boys and accomplished alot together given our rough journey. Now, I dont know what our future holds, outside of alot of obstacles, I have no idea of what will become of us. I was so in love with him, as horrible as he was, I aspired to have a relationship to be proud of. I dont have that anymore, I claim him, love him but im not proud. He killed my pride and lust for life. I want so badly to be normal, have a fulfilling life and M, have more children and all the beautiful things we could have together. But now my faith in him is gone and I dont want to have it with anyone else. If we dont make it, im done with love all together. I guess the fear comes from not feeling completely revived yet, I still have lingering issues and im afraid hes finished off whatever capacity for love I had left.

I don't really have any advice but I noticed your dday is only 4 days after I finally got the truth out of my h so we are in a very similar place right now.

I also feel part of me has died and all I think of is the affair, which was with a co-worker and lasted 6 weeks, the last 3 weeks after they had sex he was trying to end it but was scared she would tell me.

I struggle every day too. What a miserable place to be in.

I have lost respect and trust in my h and there is a gaping hole where they were. I am hoping time will help

Together 20yrs
me BS 37
him WS 42 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14
there is more but he won't admit to it

Posts: 945 | Registered: Jul 2013

wanttogoforward♀ 29912Member # 29912

Posted: 8:18 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013

I soooo feel like you ladies do!

I am not the same as I was before! I struggle each day in some way... the funny thing is the days with my H are the best and where I am the most me and relaxed.... it's strange....

Anyway, since the EA (3+ years ago) I can stare at walls for hours and not care.... I have no desire to do the things I loved before.... even driving I will be like spacey and fuzzy.... I know some will say it's depression... but I don't think so.... I can go from fine to anxiety flip out in 2 seconds... things he says/ I hear/ I see on tv send me into a tailspin and triggery..... I've tried the meds for anxiety, but didn't handle side effects well at all.... so I'm on my own I guess.
But long story short.... I am not the same.... a part of me has changed and I want her back... but don't know how to get her.... I truly wonder if it's the 'broken heart' that scientists talk about.... I worry I will never be the same.

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost

DoneWithLove♀ 39380Member # 39380

Posted: 9:48 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013

We are in MC so I think I will bring it up there but I really dont know if its curable. It doesn't feel curable. Sometimes I wonder if it will go away if I leave him, then I think its to early to tell. I dont really have a gut feeling about this, its all more of a confusion than anything. Hes trying and I apreciate everything but at this point idk if it will work.

Recovery, be it with your spouse or not, involves morning the loss of your life as you knew it. This includes your spouse, your marriage, your surroundings, -even yourself. Itís gone. You must reconstruct what you believe is true and trust yourself in doing so. You must evolve yourself Darwin style from fish to philosopher in a millisecond through pain that comes from a millennium. You must build yourself to no longer rely on just paper for beta. You need density for gamma, hydrogen for neutron, low density for heat, mass for impact, and so on to combat the new pain you are being exposed to. And furthermore, you must improve yourself to be more efficient by adding Teflon to prevent sticking, copper to project more love, and venting allow forgiveness. This new life ride sucks. It requires a lot of work. It requires a lot of courage and persistence, and pain.

What I can say is that if you manage to work through it and reach the other side, you will reach a level of wisdom and peace that is absolutely incredible. With pain comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes peace. Know that it is available for you on the other side. Your spouse may choose to join you on this journey, or not. You need not rely on your spouse to reach the other side.

[This message edited by still-living at 8:27 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 974 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches

Snapdragon♀ 4286Member # 4286

Posted: 8:34 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013

If you look to nature and naturally occurring wild-fires you will learn that the fires are often the catalyst to a new ecosystem that becomes vibrant and healthy.

I see an analogy here.

Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink

Posts: 3185 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Midwest

rachelc♀ 30314Member # 30314

Posted: 8:48 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013

Still living and snapdragon; what beautiful sentiments. Thank you for adding to this thread.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

ďNever be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.Ē

Posts: 7470 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest

still-living♂ 30434Member # 30434

Posted: 8:49 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013

If you look to nature and naturally occurring wild-fires you will learn that the fires are often the catalyst to a new ecosystem that becomes vibrant and healthy.

I see an analogy here.

And everything of life strives to achieve a steadier state, even our own minds.

And opposites attract, so now what are we going to do...

BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 974 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches

DoneWithLove♀ 39380Member # 39380

Posted: 9:30 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013

Idk, sometimes I feel like I need a break and other times im fine. I want more in life but is he the right person to have a fulfilling life with or at all? For all I know, hes always cheated, still is and always will. I have no idea of what really goes through his head and apparently I never did. If it wasnt for my boys, I would have given up along time ago. I find myself always wanting to scream at him and tell him what I think happened and whats really going on but I dont. I still feel numb.