Savile to be expelled from Heaven for molesting a cherub

A spokesman for Heaven confirmed today that Jimmy Savile is to be rehoused in Hell after further allegations that he 'fondled cherubs inappropriately'. Underpaid and overworked guardian angels were being blamed for poor aftercare and allowing Savile to roam unsupervised in Heaven, molesting cherubim and looking up the skirts of hosts of seraphim.

Somewhat out of sorts, an overworked St Peter complained. 'Well, when he was released from life, we couldn't very well turn him away from the Pearly Gates. He turned up here with excellent credentials, all that charity work. We were given the wrong paperwork, and he had a set of keys to the front gate.'

It was revealed that Heaven and Hell have yet to centralise their database and records were often out of date. A spokes-admin for Purgatory explained, 'There are extradition agreements in place but these can take years. Now we find out that he had upwards of 500 victims on Earth. What the heck do you call that? A Uranium Jubilee?'

Friends of Savile are objecting to him being deported from Heaven asserting that he will be subject to inhumane torture if returned to 'back where he came from'.

Inhabitants of Hades meanwhile, are kicking up a stink at having to accept Savile, complaining that he could make Hell worse than it already is.

Long time resident Genghis Khan complained, 'It is already a bit run down, with two Lidls and a Poundland. The local demons are up in arms that having him around will erode property prices further. Dame Margaret Thatcher is demanding that the Pits of Hell be closed before Savile gets here, Dante is breathing fire, and Saddam is hiding in an old sewer pipe muttering epithets. I think he speaks for us all.'