Archive for December, 2006

Breaking News: War on Christmas leads to shocking discovery in North Pole!

While carrying out the nation’s clear but double-super-secret strategy for victory in the War on Christmas, covert operations in the wintery wonderland have lead investigators to a shocking cover-up in Santa’s Workshop. While searching for signs of non-compliance to the new regulations meant to insure acceptable enjoyment and celebration practices during the Christmas season, officials discovered that the jolly fat man is not who we thought he was. Sure, he’s still fat, but his jollies are not derived from delivering gifts to good boys and girls across the land. In fact, good behavior is a sure-fire way to stay off the list that Santa really cares about.

Upon arrival at the Claus compound, operatives were met with ferocious guard reindeer, trained to gore interlopers with their mighty horns. It was the first of many frightening encounters they would have.

Once inside, they spied Santa and one of his favored elves lounging in the workshop.

After incurring heavy fines for operating under sweatshop conditions many years ago, Santa was thought to have improved conditions for his workers. Conditions have changed, alright. In fact, no toymaking was going on at all. Conveyor belts, doll-painting machines and jack-in-the-box stuffers have all been replaced with hot tubs and massage tables. The only toys in sight were the sort exclusively available to those with proper ID, many wrapped in plain paper so they could be delivered inconspicuously to the homes of Santa’s new, seamier clients. The environment could only be described as disturbingly over-affectionate.

As the officers wandered further into the holly jolly village of sin, they began to suspect that the true meaning of Christmas had been lost somewhere along the way. Not the pagan meaning from before winter solstice celebration was co-opted by newcomers, but the second, more meaningful meaning. The celebration of the birth of Jesus, which most likely took place in April.

As they shook their heads in distaste and wondered how they could make this about them and their moral superiority, they were captured and bound by a most curious creature – a reingimp. Born a normal reindeer with a mild chemical imbalance and a penchant for the unusual, he was not suited to be one of Santa’s slay team at the front gates. His bizarre use of red ribbon and leather straps festooned with jingle bells shocked the Christmas Warriors and they were easily overtaken.

It is unknown how long they were with the reingimp or what transpired during that time, but we were assured that it was entirely wholesome.

It was nightfall before they were able to free themselves and by then Santa, Mrs. Claus and all their friends were relaxing after a dinner party and a rousing game of Truth or Dare. What our noble Knights of Noel saw was scandalous at best.

Carols sung by Barry White blared as Mrs. Claus held hands with a visiting clown. Her blatant display of infidelity in front of her husband was astounding until, upon closer inspection, they noticed Santa’s hand was also resting on the clown’s shoulder. Suddenly a Leprechaun and an angel stumbled over just as they were reaching the punchline of a filthy joke involving elves, a feisty dove and a menorah. The scent of mistletoe was thick in the air, they were full of holiday spirit, alright.

One can only imagine the debauchery that ensued, and unfortunately, that is what we must do as this is where our coverage ends. The Crusaders of the Creche turned in their story rather abruptly and were last seen buying pointed shoes and green tights from a local costume shop. There is no word on their current whereabouts.

Jon just called me at work to tell me that he was listening to 1430am, which is Boston Progressive Talk. Then, all of a sudden at noon, they started speaking Spanish and playing Latino music. He said, and I quote, “I’ve been listening for two hours and I like the music. I don’t know what they’re saying, but it sounds like they’re having fun.” But he was still hoping it was some kind of mix-up. It ain’t. it’s switched formats and is now called‚ “Rumba”.

But . . . but . . .‚ but . . . what about my Stephanie Miller fix in the morning? It makes my hour+ commute bearable.‚ I love her. How can they do this to me? And Al Franken? He was such good company when I worked from home. And Ed Schultz. Well, I was really warming up to him. I always thought he was what Chi-Chi would be like if he were a radio host. And could talk. And had thumbs. And Randi Rhodes – sure she can be kind of yelly, but she was perfect to listen to in the kitchen while I was cooking or doing dishes in the evening. And how can I forget Rachel Maddow? LOVE her.

Seriously, I’m a little despondent over this. There is almost always a radio on in the house with Progressive Radio on it. Usually in the kitchen. I’m so bummed. I know Stephanie Miller is on Sirius radio in the evenings, but the sound quality is awful, it sounds like‚ she’s in a tin can. And she has podcasts, but still – it’s just not the same.

I got my little store all set up, checked and rechecked to make sure everything was right. Found a bug in the html code and fixed it, then rechecked it to make sure it was really right. And then I got an email from Karrie suggesting I might want to actually post the prices.

It’s always the immense details I overlook. Whoopsie. So now it’s all updated and working and actually informative. And look, all the cool kids are shopping there!

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The appearance at Graceful Stitches went really well, we ended up raising $500 for breast cancer research! And you have to see what Maryse made. Behold the Pepperoni Tree of Goodness and Peace!

Could Wendy and I be more dazzled? No. And would you believe there’s a whole website dedicated to this ancient art form? Believe. It’s based on the one made by Charles Phoenix, who I now have a huge internet crush on. He performs slideshows using vintage slides and is actually doing a Christmas-themed one in L.A right now. I really wanted to go while I was there for Knitty Gritty, but I just didn’t have time.

Speaking of which, now that Knitty Gritty knitting is over, I’m back on my finishing binge. I need to felt, wash, block, and seam a number of projects which I’ll hopefully getting finished over the next week or so. I really need to get that Olympic Knitting finished, know what I mean? So some actual knitting content is on the way!

Also, check this out! Julie from Subversive Cross Stitch won a holiday ornament contest hosted by those smarty pants at NPR! How cool is that? I love Julie and I’m so glad her brilliance has now been acknowledged by public radio. And if you like her ornament, check out this cross stitch kit she designed. Rock on with your back self, Miss Julie!

In other news, I’m totally sick of mashed potatoes. And yogurt. And soup. And other various and sundry mushy food items. Why, you ask? Welp, I finally went and did a very grown up thing. I made a dentist appointment. But it was no ordinary dentist appointment, oh no. It was with a periodontist and that is never good news. I had to have a gingival graft and it was delightful. If you consider having skin removed from the roof of your mouth and sewn to the gumline along your entire row of bottom teeth to be delightful, that is. I guess it was like a craft project, in a way. A very gory, bloody way.

I’ll give you a moment to shudder.

So now I have two big raw spots on the roof of my mouth and the stitches on my gums are covered in this silly putty sort of stuff, so when I eat something warm, it takes on the delicate flavor of plastic. Yummers. But maybe I’ll lose a few pounds and most likely not every single one of my bottom teeth will fall out now. So that’s good. Needless to say, I have been in need of a good servant to meet my mashed potato needs and Jon has once again come through with flying colors. They were instant, but the water did have to be boiled, the flakes had to be fluffed with a fork, and the plate had to be hand delivered to me in the crater I made in the corner of the sofa.

Check it out! I’ve been whipping up a few little surprises and they’re finally here. Thanks to Hemlock Ink for doing a fantastic job with these. They’re just as cool as I had hoped they’d be.

Click the images to see them larger, the samller ones don’t do them justice. Also, the shirts and bags don’t say “Stitchy McYarnpants” across them, I just did that to keep people from copying them. Please don’t copy them.

And this design was done by Mister Reusch. He is simply amazing. And a sweetheart, to boot. I met him through my best friend from high school, Carrie, who is also known as Miss Firecracker. She and Mark are a power couple, they both share the same sense of the delightfully offbeat and although I don’t see them nearly enough, I think they’re wicked awesome.

Please note the little cat floating in space. Recognize her?

Dot thinks everyone needs a t-shirt with her stunning visage on it. You wouldn’t want to make Dot angry, would you? You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.

‚ So there are three items available with each design, all made of 100% cotton:

Click here to visit my little shop! I did my best to get a good selection of sizes, although I did have to do a limited run because I didn’t want to end up with a ton left over. I figured my family wouldn’t want to be getting these for every holiday over the next 15 years. But if they do well, I’ll definitely be making more. Also, I’d like to expand on the “Into the Blogosphere” theme, so crocheters, stitchers and assorted crafters, take heart! If these do well, I’ll have something for you, too.
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A $20.00 donation at the door gets you a 10% discount on your next purchase at the store, (not valid on sale items), a glass of wine, a little nosh and a whole lot of laughs. All proceeds from the evening will be donated to breast cancer research.

*yes, I copied Maryse’s post. She said it so perfectly, how could I not?