The Black Sheep

A High Review of Every Cookie Available at UConn

Cookies are one of the best things you can put in your mouth while high af. As midterms close in, we know a majority of you are going to be walking around in a dank haze fueled by self-hatred, so we decided to toke up too and see which cookies are the best.

5.) Sam’s Food Store cookies:

First, make your way downtown to Sam’s Food Store. There’s dank cookie dough located in the back refrigerators that is the absolute best to eat with your fingers and/or straight from the tube while high (but definitely buy it first). If you’re not down to eat raw cookie dough or don’t own a stove, we tried the prepackaged chocolate chip cookies near the front registers and they’re definitely not bad.

4.) Wilbur Cross cookies:Head over to Wilbur Cross and stare into the pastry case until your eyes feel like a desert. When the poor cashier awkwardly asks if they can help you after they notice you standing there high af for 10 minutes, pick the thing that looks most like a cookie and run for your life. We had a pink “cookie” and it it was pretty decent, but it also might have been a scone.

3.) Subway cookies (specifically Double Chocolate chip):

On our journey to finding the best high cookie, we finally hit a cookie game-changer at Subway. There’s lots of options here, and you might be wondering, as you are standing there confused, in a high paranoid anxious state as the cashier stares at you, drooling all over the place, what the best cookie is. It’s double chocolate chip hands down (which is 210 calories, so it’s practically like salad). Remember this next time you’re high and only buying cookies in Subway. Say it with us “dob-el choc-a-lat chip.” The people working here are accustomed to high degenerates coming in on a weekly basis, so they’ll totally understand.

2.) The huge Grab n’ Go Cookies the size of a small child’s face:

These cookies are the bomb. They are impossibly big and tasty and are available at Grab ‘n Go stations at dining halls until 10:15 (so get your high ass down there before it closes) and at the Student Union until 11:00 p.m. These cookies will satisfy your munchies and pair well with a wrap or some mac and cheese. Eat your weight in chocolate, you chocoholic.

1.) Insomnia cookies:

Cookies from Insomnia are the best when you are high and it’s like 3 p.m. but feels like 2 a.m. because you’ve been staring at Reddit with the blinds drawn all day. With an infinite amount of possibilities – from the famous six-pack Sugar Rush, to brownies, a la mode, pints of ice cream, chocolate, 1%, and whole milk – you can’t go wrong with some Insomnia, even when you are sober. There’s double chocolate mint, double chocolate chunk, chocolate chunk, peanut butter, sugar, white macadamia, snicker doodle… (sorry, we’re high). And the best part is insomnia delivers until 3 am so you don’t even have to get out of the high pillow fort you made.

Blaze it up, Huskies, and eat some delicious cookies; we’re going to take a nap.