BREAKING: The Access Hollywood ‘Grab Them By The P*ssy’ Tape Is A Complete Fake

The mainstream media has been covering up one of the biggest lies in history for more than a year. During last year’s general election, a tape came from nowhere containing the voice of Donald Trump saying horrible things about women.

President Trump, on hearing the tape, immediately took responsibility, even though something never sat quite right. White House aide Beverly Parker, whose job finds her on the Eisenhower balcony sipping Grand Marnier with the boss, says he has confided in her on many occasions that he doubted the authenticity of the tape.

Ladies of Liberty correspondent Heather Bates-Masterson says Parker believes what her president is telling her:

“President Trump took responsibility because it sounded like him on the tape and to deny it outright would be wrong. He took responsibility and accepted that if he did actually say those things, he did it during a testosterone-filled man-bantering session.

The thing is, she says Trump doesn’t remember saying it at all. Billy Bush has no recollection of the conversation. That was enough for Parker to start her own private investigation.”

Parker’s investigation unveiled a plan that went back more than a year orchestrated by a team of elitist Hollywood liberals to discredit Trump should he be in the position to win the White House. The tape was manufactured in the sound studios on 3rd Ave by none other than audio master Fareek Nadeer. Nadeer has refused to comment, calling the accusation “preposterous.” According to Parker, that’s not the case at all:

“All things have an origin. It took months of searching but we believe, due to audio technical specifications and background noise analysis, that we have what is as close as anyone will ever get to the original recording. It’s a multi-channel splice job full of special effects and tethering. In other words, it’s a complete fake.”

The fact that President Trump was man enough to admit that it was his voice on that tape speaks volumes about his character. That he never said any of those things speaks even higher volumes. Toby Gilsmith, Audio Producer for The Black Eyed Peas and Sophia The First, has determined that the tapes were spliced together using a particular frequency modulation unique to 3rd Ave Studios. Put two and two together and you get a pack of lying liberals who haven’t won a fair election in decades.

This one feels good. The mainstream media is trying to kill it, calling it “speculation.” We call it the truth. You can even Google it.

Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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sat·ire ~ˈsaˌtī(ə)r

noun

the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, OR ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

If you disagree with the definition of satire or have decided it is synonymous with “comedy,” you should really just move along.