Social Media Faux Pas

Are You The Most Annoying Person You Know On Facebook?

It's Complicated

I hate when people list their Facebook relationship status as “In a relationship but it’s complicated.” If your relationship is in the crapper, why broadcast the news? Allow me to tell you. See, I’ve recently figured it out. People who make the change to “it’s complicated” actually want their relationship to end. Actually, they can’t f*cking wait for it to! They’re chomping at the bit, so much so that they want every single one of their Facebook friends to know. They use it as a bat signal of sorts; a sign to alert any potential suitors or suitorettes that some fresh meat is about to come their way.

Annoying as it may be, it’s also deviously brilliant. “In a relationship but it’s complicated” is actually Facebook for “Unless something changes, I can probably bone you sometime in the near future. Private message me and start laying the groundwork!”

LOL

Then there's old reliable — the time-honored "LOL," the internet's equivalent of an applause sign. I hate it with every fiber of my being. And I don’t say that as some pretentious wordsmith who’s on a personal quest to protect the integrity of the English language. Far from it. I personally use the word "f*ck" more often than most porn stars. No, my hatred stems from the fact that this loathsome acronym is never used in an instance that would evoke any actual laughter! “Wore two different colored socks again? LOL!” You did not laugh out loud after typing that! You just didn’t!

And another gripe I have with LOL is the latter part of the abbreviation — the OL. Laugh out loud? You really have to specify the “out loud” part? What, as opposed to all those good, hearty, internal laughs? And don’t even get me started on LOLZ or ROTFL. Not one person in the entire history of human existence, save for the possibility of an epileptic at a Carrot Top show, has ever rolled onto the floor laughing after typing ROTFL.

Your Breakfast Isn't Interesting

This last one probably goes without saying at this point, but regardless, I think it bears repeating. Smartphones and the myriad different photo apps out there totally make it easy to take some damn cool pictures. However, people, please try and be a little more choosey with the pictures you post. Trust me, having an iPhone does not make you a professional photographer. You’re eating a bowl of spaghetti? Fantastic. Enjoy that pasta. But let me assure you, no one, not one single person who follows you, wants to look at a picture of it.

I know what spaghetti looks like, Ansel Adams. Unless the meatball sitting in said spaghetti has an uncanny resemblance to Forrest Whitaker, how about you set the camera down and wait for the next worthy photo op.

So there you have it. If you avoid these simple faux pas, you’ll be sure not to aggravate any of your friends or followers. You won’t be the subject to any scorn or ridicule. Your friends and family won’t hide you in their news feeds. You’ll be the perfect example of how to — Crap. I just spilled some coffee on myself. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go tweet about this. LoLz!