Diabetes with a smile–

feelings

So, I’m not perfect. (You knew that.) In my last post I said, proclaimed, announced, that my attitude will be better “tomorrow.” Well my tomorrow took three days. Ugh! That’s the bad news. The good news is that my attitude is much better today!

I think I wasn’t eating enough. I ate and the food choices were appropriate, but my timing was WAY off. For instance, I may have skipped breakfast — I believe that it really IS the most important meal of the day. Eating that meal at ten o’clock is absurd, especially if you’ve been up since seven or eight a.m. That’s what’s been happening. For some reason, I haven’t been hungry when I wake up, so I did some chores and then –POOF– it’s ten or eleven o’clock. Because it was almost lunch time, I decided to skip breakfast and just eat lunch instead. Then, later on when lunch time came around the corner, I wasn’t hungry…SO…I waited until around three or four and had a snack. Needless to say, dinner time came barrelling in and I couldn’t have cared less. Bottom line — I was eating dinner at eight or nine o’clock, if at all. THAT is not the route that a “Dedicated Diabetic” should be following. Okay, so that’s over!

I’m allergic to eggs, so breakfast has never been a nutritious meal for me, and since I was diagnosed, it’s been even more difficult. I actually spent years (pre-diagnosis) having a Boston Creme donut (or two!) to start my day. It was an easy choice, terribly unhealthy, but easy. 🙂

Breakfast is so important — it means BREAK the FAST! We need a nutritious meal in the morning to give our bodies the energy needed to start off the day. I’ve been so frustrated that the other day I bought a glucose daily diary/notebook. (Thank you Amazon.) Was that necessary? Not really, I’ve monitored my blood sugar with an online program, charts that I created, with tiny notebooks that fit into my purse, but didn’t have enough room to put the information I wanted to monitor. Oh, yes, I’ve been down this road before. Somewhere deep in the crevices of my brain, there’s a small voice that is SCREAMING, Why waste your time, you’ve done this before? I scream back SHUT UP! and do what I think is necessary and correct. This journal/chart is about 6 x 9″ and will suit my needs. It just seemed to be more coordinated, compact, and the information will be at hand when I need to make an entry. Today will be my Day #One with this new “tool.” I’m laughing at myself, because I’m reminded of all the books on decluttering I’ve purchased — Do you know how much time I wasted reading those books instead of purging/decluttering? 🙂 🙂

Diabetes can often seem to be frustrating, even depressing. I think the only way to do battle with it, is to be prepared. An organized journal, healthy shopping list and a positive attitude might just do the trick. “Might” is not the appropriate term; it leaves space for failure. I’ll choose to say that these tools WILL do the trick.

It was just a few days ago that our flags were flying proudly. BBQ’s reigned! We enjoyed fireworks booming and lighting up the skies, patriotic songs pouring from the voices of grateful Americans celebrating our Independence Day. It was fun, in person or just viewing it all on tv.

Watching television is difficult right now. Flags are not proudly flying — tears are flowing. Tears of sorrow, running down our faces, for the families and friends who have lost their loved ones — senselessly. Men, just trying to do their job, killed.

I was thinking about the Statue of Liberty, that incredible gift from France so many years ago. Her symbolism is clear. She stands tall, a welcoming symbol, inviting people, not from our shores, to join us in working towards the American Dream— life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I picture her today, frowning, tears streaming down her face.

No more, I’m done! I realized last week that I have been procrastinating beyond belief, and let me tell you — I can procrastinate!

When my brother became ill and passed away in April, I came to a full STOP. During that time period, I wrote not a word — not on my blog, not anywhere. Normally, I’d tell myself to “write it out,” but the words never came.

Four days after his funeral, I began my “dental journey.” I really want to write DENTAL NIGHTMARE, but I’m determined to stop feeling sorry for myself. During the two months of dental nonsense, my blood sugar was out of whack — low, because I was having such difficulty eating. I felt awful on every level. Feeling sorry for myself, I took the “opportunity” to procrastinate some more. Poor Kathy. 🙂

Here’s the Reader’s Digest version: Went to the dentist — my blood sugar is not the only thing out of whack — so are my teeth. (Say it isn’t so!) As I left his office, I made an appointment for July 6th to START the process OVER! 😦 I swear. I’m thinking positively. This time it’s going to be perfect — no problems. That’s what I’m telling myself. Going with the flow…

I decided NOT to use this setback as yet another excuse to avoid writing. Why am I avoiding the one thing I love the most — writing? I don’t get it. On Saturday, I made a commitment to get back on the horse and write, write, write — starting Monday (today). Notice, I promised to do it, but not for two more days!!! (The Master Procrastinator!)

I woke up at 7:15 this morning, and decided to check my e-mail before breakfast and then I would write. First my blog and then a piece for one of my writing groups. Maybe I’ll take a shower first, do a little laundry… At 9:05 I opened an e-mail from a friend and fellow member of some writing groups that I attend. She wrote: Hi Kathy, Would you please send me the address to your blog? Oh, no! I was embarrassed to have to admit that I’ve neglected posting on my blog, as well as the rest of my writing. I’m a MESS.

But, then it happened. I realized that Linda’s sending me that e-mail was no coincidence. I don’t believe there ARE coincidences. What I DO believe is that if she hadn’t sent me that e-mail, for sure I would have found another excuse. I responded with diaryofadedicateddiabetic.wordpress.com, and thanked her for being the bearer of the message I needed to hear. I told Linda that, thanks to her, TODAY is the day I climb out of the hole and get back to my life, and importantly, my writing. …and that’s what I did!

Regarding my blood sugar issue, I’ve decided that, due to my dental dilemma, I will not eat three meals each day. I’ve been so nauseous an have had NO appetite, that I’ve been lucky to get in two. (I’m down 20 lbs since we began my dental work on April 20th.) In an effort to ward off the nausea, I’m going to eat more smaller meals. Maybe that will help. I’m sure it will help to balance out my blood sugar levels. Because of all this nonsense, they’ve been lower than ever.That would be great, except that I feel horrible. So, tomorrow I’ll be on a regimen of five or six small meals instead of three “normal” meals. I remember, that when I was first diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, that was the instruction I was given, but i haven’t done it in years. Here’s hoping!

My last post, I believe, was written on April 3. It was a period of time during which I was feeling beyond stressed out. From that point until today, I haven’t been able to write a word. Nothing.

My brother was very ill and passed away on April 6th. (R.I.P., Joseph D. Masterson). My life came to a screeching halt. Those of you who have experienced profound loss, know that there’s a fog that seems to descend upon you and engulf your very being. You walk, talk, function, but it’s amid a bubble that seems to envelop you — at least that’s the way it’s been for me.

My “writer friends” told me to write it out; I couldn’t. They said it would be cathartic. I didn’t want that — I wanted him back. Now. For just one more conversation, one more laugh. Of course, that’s not going to happen.

In the part of his eulogy that I wrote, I thanked him for the impact he had on my life. It was huge. He taught me not only to understand Shakespeare, but to LOVE him. I mentioned Hemingway, Steinbeck and a host of other authors to whom he “introduced” me. He taught me to fight AGAINST discrimination and FOR feminism. Respecting the opinions of others is a great lesson to learn from an older sibling. There was that — and SO much more.

My brother was a Type 2 Diabetic (insulin dependent) who chose not to control his diet. I only hope that I learn from his mistakes. I promised myself that I will follow a healthy diet and exercise, in a effort to control my diabetes — as a tribute to him.

This segment of Lessons Learned (A.) is about the impact of the loss of a loved one on the monitoring of my diabetes. Maybe I should say the LACK of monitoring. No appetite. NONE. I forced myself to eat to the best of my ability during these weeks. I learned that sadness robbed me of my appetite, my everything. I kept telling myself that I HAD to eat because of this damned disease — and I did. Not much, but I did.

24 days have passed since my brother left this earth, and as I write this post, I realize that I’m doing exactly what he would NOT want me to do. So, as of tomorrow, May 1st, I will do what I need to do to stay healthy. I’ll do it, with tears in my eyes; but, I’ll do it.

Happy Birthday to those of you who were born during a leap year! (Click on that link to check out the history.) Celebrating one’s birthday every four years seems strange to me. I guess I can’t imagine doing that. How must you feel on March 1st when February 28th was the day before, and there was no recognition of your entry to this planet? Sad? Abandoned? Invisible? I don’t get it.

I have a friend who celebrated her birthday yesterday. She told me that she ALWAYS wished she had been born on the 29th — “A Leap Year birthday is awesome,” she exclaimed! She felt cheated, because the year she was brought into this world was, in fact, a leap year. “One more day! Just one more, and I could feel unique.”

“You’re unique, trust me,” I responded. Still unsure of her logic, I asked, “Why? I don’t understand — you get ripped off with every passing year; no cake, no presents. How can this be a good thing?”

Laughing, she responded, “It’s simple. I’d feel SPECIAL!” she insisted. “Not abandoned or invisible. And by the way,” she smiled, “I know I’d feel younger. Think about it, with each birthday celebration, I could subtract 3 years!”

Not sure her math was accurate, I went with her theory. “I guess LEAPING from one birthday to the next (four years later) has some advantages.” So, to those of you who have that SPECIAL Leap Year Birthday, I hope you had a wonderful time celebrating today! And just think, four years from now you can do it again. 🙂

I digress — moving on to DIABETES! The “LEAP” to which I’m referring, is a bold jump, into making even better choices and a healthier lifestyle. Are you thinking, “Weren’t we working on that already?”

“Yes, we have been, but I’m suggesting that we take a giant LEAP forward in the management of our diabetes. MY LEAP will include: testing more for the next two weeks, watching my patterns more closely,monitoring what goes into my mouth more carefully, paying strict attention to exercising (in my case, walking my butt off). LOGGING ALL OF IT. What a pain in the … Maybe, but this T2D can do it for the next two weeks. I can do that. TWO WEEKS — one day at a time! C’mon…

At the end of my two week marathon of healthier living, I’ll review what I’ve done. If my numbers are better, and I feel more energetic, my plan is to keep going for the rest of the month. When March comes to an end, I’ll determine if I’m committed enough, dedicated enough, to take the LEAP into April with the same regime. I’m counting on ME.

It was a great weekend. I met my siblings for dinner on Thursday night at a cozy restaurant on the north shore of Long Island. Just LOVE doing that. Sauerbraten caught my eye, as I perused the menu. I haven’t had it in ages, so I dove in. Mashed potatoes on the side, no butter; gravy on the side. It was really good — I skipped the red cabbage except for two small forkfuls. I love red cabbage, but it’s usually made with sugar so I’m careful. Thankfully, it was thickened with something that screamed, Kathy! Skip it. So I did. No dessert, as usual, so all in all, dinner met my diabetic requirements.

I’ve been preparing myself (here’s a good tip!), before I go out, to remember what the purpose of the meal really is. Of course, it’s about having a nice dining experience, but I could do that at home. Mostly, the purpose of the gathering is to enjoy friends and family. This time — just family. I’m the baby, so I adore being with my elders 🙂 I always feel…protected. I’m sure that sounds crazy, because we’re adults, but feelings are just feelings, right? We have wonderful, interesting conversations, catch up, and have lots of laughs. What could be better? If you haven’t done it lately, I highly recommend making a date to “break bread” (o.k., maybe NOT bread) with your siblings, cousins, any extended family members. You won’t regret it.

YES I CAN!

When it comes to diabetes, support from family and friends is imperative. Oh, and it makes dealing with it a LOT easier. 🙂