'Sons of Anarchy' Season Premiere Recap: Totally Forked

If your palms are sweaty, knees weak, and arms heavy, you probably just finished watching the anxiety-inducing premiere of Sons of Anarchy's final season. Or you might be the guy Eminem rapped about in "Lose Yourself." Probably the former.

But if this 90-minute whopper of an episode is any indication, the arm we use to lift our Xanax is going to be more ripped than Juice's naked butt (of which we got a prime look at in this episode, btw).

Speaking of Juice, though, he didn't die. Surprise! Lots of other people did, though, as did any shred of hope we had that Jax managed to keep an ounce of his sanity following the death of Tara. Details in our recap:

Jax-ed Up

Oh, poor Jax.

The love of his life is dead, his mother is freaking nuts, and he's clearly a few nuts and bolts short of a working chopper, so to speak. And things aren't looking up.

His sights are set on revenge and he took the first step to getting it in tonight's episode, starting with a low-level man in the Lin operation after Gemma led him to believe Lin was the one responsible for Tara's death.

Jax (Charlie Hunnam) makes a friend (played by Marilyn Manson) in prison. Not pictured: the dude he beat up to get a seat at this table.

Image: FX

It wasn't entirely clear how quickly Gemma came up with this plan after first setting her eyes on this poor man during a hooker-filled party thrown for Lin's men by the Sons, but, man, was it evil. (Nice of her to choose a dude without a family, though. Right? That's...something?)

After the man was captured, Jax brutally tortured him before poetically sticking a fork in his head. It was disgusting.

What was most telling is that he asked no questions when told this entirely false information by his mother. Not that he necessarily should have — considering the information came from his mother, whom he currently has no reason NOT to trust — but we have to believe that had Jax not been blind in his quest for blood, a part of him would have tried to corroborate Gemma's story. Or at least look for some solid intel as to how Tara ended up in the crosshairs.

It's clear this killing is just step one for Jax, but before he goes too deep, I hope something comes to light that puts him on the scent of the truth.

Watching Gemma comfort Jax was, frankly, difficult because we know the truth. Seeing her put on the supporting mom face was so sick, particularly when Jax was just released from prison and in the car having a heart-to-heart with Gemma.

"I know how much of this has landed with you," he said to her. "...I could do it without you mom; I love you." To which she replied, "I love you too, sweetheart."

HOW DO YOU SAY THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE!?

Evil. Evil. Evil.

Juice-y stuff

The only hint we got that Gemma hasn't completely been possessed by the devil himself is one conversation she had with Juice, who was staying in Wendy's apartment on Gemma's instruction. (Wendy checked out of rehab to help with the boys, though, so his nights at the Wendy Inn and Suites are coming to a close, it appears.)

"If Jax finds out, not only will he have lost a wife, he'll lose his mother," said Gemma. "And Abel and Thomas will never grow up knowing the love of a strong woman. I'm the only thread holding this family together. It's not about protecting you and me. It's about protecting Jax and those boys."

So nice you believe your words, Gemma. Because no one else does.

Jax, Gemma and Wendy have a chat in the season premiere of 'Sons of Anarchy'

Image: FX

Going back to Juice — who, if you looked closely at during the episode, was spending his days watching adorable nature shows — he's going to die, right?

Not now. Maybe not for a couple of episodes. But he will definitely die.

You may recall that last season he burned the last ropes of the bridge he had with the Sons, and he's more than had his chance to make a break for it. Why is he not leaving? Who knows at the moment. But it's dumb, and it will cost him his life.

Also possibly flirting with the reaper? Unser, who was last seen on the wrong end of Juice's gun after going back to Wendy's apartment to investigate some Sons gear that had caught his attention earlier in the day. (While visiting Wendy, Unser saw Juice's vest on the floor of the closet.)

So, who will be the first to go? Unser? Juice? Nero? I only throw Nero into that informal poll because he's so darn sweet that he can't possibly live to see the end of this final ride. (Seeing him flirt with Gemma and later go over to her place and play with Thomas? C'mon!)

Also, Nero, you deserve much better than Gemma, who's crazy and talks to herself in the dark.

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