Friday, November 15, 2013

About That Lamb...

I don't know where the words came from. I could hardly believe they came from my mouth, yet I heard them as they slid out. "I don't think you are taking this project seriously," I said to the recently assigned project manager of a subcontractor at our Washington DC branch. She cringed and averred differently. I only shook my head unkindly and walked off to begin the presentation I had come to deliver.

I can explain how I got to the point of saying those words. In preparing for an all-day briefing to be conducted in DC together with a specialist from one of our subdivisions, I discovered that the concept papers we were to use were so poorly done that we could not use them. So, I had to re-do the work of several employees, whose supervisor had assumed that the work was fine. To worsen matters, the computers had been down (server outage) for the two days prior to my departure for DC. I had only one day to get everything done once the computers were back on line. That day I had several meetings, and during the time available in and around the meetings, one after another employee came into my office on small issues (well, important issues to them but ones I considered minor at the moment). Although I had closed my door, no one had seemed to notice. My open-door policy had been turned into an open-the-door policy. Too much to re-do, too little time to re-do it, and too many distractions from doing it! I was annoyed.

Add to that annoyance the fact that everyone around me seemed to be falling apart. I had one senior manager undergoing emergency surgery and another in the hospital with internal bleeding, cause undetermined. An employee had gone into the hospital for routine knee surgery and ended up comatose and packed in ice (we were waiting to here whether and when heroic measures would cease), and a junior manager had been diagnosed with a tumor and had to be brought back from his field assignment. This was all in the space of two days. Our senior leadership at the annual BBQ the day before I left for DC was decimated. I was stressed.

I did not escape any drama by leaving. As the plane was taxiing into Dulles International Airport, I quickly checked my Blackberry and learned two disturbing pieces of information. First, a project that I was to have been involved in had been downsized; much of the physical risk had been removed from it (that part was good -- while I was unconcerned for my own safety, my prayer group had been praying that something like this would happen), and the performance date had been moved to September, interfering with my need to be in Korea at that time. Second, my supervisor had overturned my appointment on an assignment I had promised to an employee. (She deserved it, and later in the day he recanted.) However these things work out and worked out, I arrived disappointed.

Following a night of only five hours of sleep after cleaning up from the BBQ, which had been at my house, and having had to go to work earlier than normal to begin that day of meetings and interrupted work, I had to jump onto a redeye from San Franciso to DC. Of all times, the pilot raced across the continental skies, arriving 30 minutes ahead of schedule, leaving me with a mere four hours of sleep. I was tired.

When I arrived at ground transportation, I blackberried the supervisor of our DC branch for an address to give to the taxi driver. She gave me the office address. I showed up there only to find out that the briefing was taking place at the premises of the subcontractor in another part of town. Now I would be late. I learned that the mistaken address was deliberate: the supervisor wanted to discuss the project with me alone. That meant that the specialist, who did not have the briefing powerpoints (I had them) would have to do with the first presentation without them and without me. I was angry.

Annoyance, stress, fatigue, disappointment, and anger combined to evoke my caustic remark when, having finally arrived at the subcontractor's location in time for the second presentation, I was informed by the project manager that two key personnel would come only after lunch. Any one of those conditions would have served as an excuse for my remarks, I initially tried to justify to myself. However, no justification exists for arrogance, and it was certainly arrogance that lay behind my words: whatever I had to say was more important than anything they had to do, and obviously that was not true.

I apologized to the project manager later. However, words don't dissolve; they don't run away; taking them back is nothing more than a vacuous expression.

While I know that I have not lost God's love, I was not thinking of God's presence when I made my unkind remark, and so I did not feel God's presence. The worst part? I lost an entire morning with God. That time will never be regained.

Clearly, I needed some time with God alone. After finishing the day of presentations, I ran to the nearby metro station where I knew there would be a line of cabs to assist me in my cab-plane-car dash to our Georgia branch. I grabbed a cab, driven by a courteous and calm middle-aged man from Pakistan. We chatted casually, and while the conversation was calming, it permitted no opportunity for time alone with God, as there had been none all day. I missed San Ignatio with its quiet spirituality.

Having swiftly picked up my ticket and passed through security without incident except for my typical random search, I took the airport train to the Delta terminal and made my way to Gate 76, keeping my eye out for any place at all for quiet prayer. There was none at all, just masses of people moving in cohorts to and from gates, into and out of restrooms and restaurants, and along the corridors. I missed even more San Ignatio's quiet spirituality where nearly every nook and cranny provides an opportunity for prayer.

I had more than an hour to wait for a now-delayed plane. I opted for a yogurt cone and seated myself at a table near a large potted plant, surrounded, of course, by other travelers.

My thoughts turned to my increasing unease. From whence these feelings? A change in the equilibrium of my life! I realized that I spend most of my time helping others, sometimes because I have been given a divine task, sometimes just because I stumble across someone in need (which may not always be accidental), and most often because those in need are people who work for me. My last few days, however, had been focused on me: the just-completed presentations in DC and the upcoming one in Georgia. I had moved away from helping others for lack of time (the employees to whom I had shut my door), lack of authority (the overturning of my decision by my supervisor), and lack of ability (the sick folk). I missed helping others, being God's helper. I missed time with God. It would be two more days before I would return to San Ignatio.

Even though I had no sense of God's presence while I waited for the plane, I wailed a silent prayer, spilling out those emotions and desires. I knew God would hear, understand, and forgive.

And then everything changed. Delta cancelled the flight. There were no other flights on Delta that night. I would miss the Georgia presentation, scheduled for early in the morning the next day. I called my admin assistant to inform the folks in Georgia, as Delta set about rescheduling all its passengers.

"Does anyone speak Russian?" one of the gate agents called out loudly, then a few seconds later, appealed "we really need someone who speaks Russian."

"I'll call you back," I told my admin assistant. Then I stood up and raised my hand, "I speak Russian."

The gate agent was visibly relieved. So were the mother and daughter who were trying to get back to Moscow via Atlanta. We very easily settled everything for them, and as their stress level eased, so did mine. (I find that happens a lot -- if you help someone who is stressed out, it eases your own feeling of stress.)

The grateful Delta agent offered to take me out of turn, but I waved off the offer, telling her that my office could handle my situation. It did. I ended up coming back to San Ignatio early! On a United non-stop flight direct to San Francisco. What could be better? How about a surprise complimentary upgrade to first class? Another redeye, but one on which I could sleep very comfortably.

All was right with the world. I was on my way back to San Ignatio. I wondered how much of this occurred because of my plaintive prayer about missing my quiet time with God. Ah, for any part of it -- and every part of it -- I am grateful.

All the way back home I could not sleep in spite of two short-sleep nights. The excitement of nearing San Ignatio overpowered every thought and emotion. God no longer has any need to look for this lost lamb. This lamb knows where to find the rest of her flock and her Shepherd!

What happened next? Unbelievable!

Looking back on that awful day and what I had done and felt, I should have been punished. Instead, a loving God brought me home to San Ignatio, back to Him in every meaning of that phrase, back to where I belong, where nothing of the material world matters. Now, too, I could look forward to being on time two days later for the retreat being led by Fr. Kevin, who also leads a contemplative-prayer-for-busy-people group in San Jose that I have participated in for nearly two years now. I would have had to arrive late because of returning from out of state.

I took the next day off from work -- I was owed comp time -- to be with God now that I was back in a spiritual environment. What a marvelous day that turned out to be!

The first thing after I arose (later than normal, yes!) I checked my email. Astonished, I read one note twice. It was the cancellation of a mandatory meeting on Friday, the second day of the retreat. I had worked it out with Fr. Kevin that it would be okay to miss Friday because of that meeting. Now I would have no distractions during the retreat!

A short while later, I attended noon Mass in the little chapel, celebrated by Fr. Paul on his last day in our community before returning home to Nigeria. Still reeling perhaps from my out-of-control behavior on Monday, I felt so very unworthy to be there and at the same time so loved. As I stood in line for communion, I could not keep the tears from pooling in my eyes, and I did not care if anyone saw them; we are all friends and all God's children.

Following Mass, two friends (one of them the person who assisted the priest in my RCIA class) asked me to join them for the rosary, after which we went out for cookies and milk. (I admit it; milk has always been my favorite drink.)

During our milk-and-cookie fest, I told my friends about my plaintive prayer, in which I bemoaned my separation from San Ignatio and loss of a sense of God's presence in the past few day's tumult, and how everything had suddenly worked out for me to spend the entire rest of the week with Him. One of my friends reiterated what a Sufi friend told me several years ago, word for word: "God spoils you."

Indeed, He does! And I am so very grateful!

(I posted the above story in two parts on my Modern Mysticism blog, but because of the title of this new, replacement-for-Blest-Atheist blog, it seemed apropros to include it here, as well.)

ElizabethYou are one Blest Lamb! God most certainly does spoil you. Isn't that just like a Father - to spoil His children? I love your stories. I love how you weave in and out of traffic but still find your destination and God meet you at every turn. You can be assured that He'll be there waiting at the front door when you get there too.

When you said that the worst part of that horrible day was missing a morning with God and that will never be regained.... my own spirit rose to that comment! YES YES! To even brush up against the thot of missing a morning - or a day or an hour for that matter - with God is unimaginable! I live and breathe Him all day long but I treasure my own quiet - one on one with Him. I can't hear as clearly when I'm running as when I'm kneeling at His feet.

You simply amaze me! You are so busy and find yourself all over the earth it seems - and still find time to blog and enjoy the Blessings of the Lord as you go. Your eyes are open and you see and hear what the Lord is asking you to see and hear and respond too. You are just a marvelous work of the Master. I'm blessed to know you in part as you share. thank you!!

God's grace be with you as you travel throughout your days..Patrina <")>><The Lord is my ShepherdI have everything i need!

Patrina, I don't know how even to begin to respond to your kind comments, so I will simply say thank you and wish you every blessing.

Ruth, welcome!

Amrita, I'm glad you liked the title. It is probably more appropriate these days. I am glad that the blog is opening more quickly. I hope that remains the case when I finally catch up with more contents.

David, you are right. We are so fortunate in that! Undeserving, but fortunate!

Elizabeth-That is quite a story! Glad you were able to make the retreat.I am always amazed at how God loves to spoil us- especially in those times when it feels like we least deserve it.Also glad I found your new blog home! Thanks for the heads up about it in your comment on my blog.I loved what Fr. Austin had to say about Martha and Mary.Thanks and God Bless!

I am back to blogging -- not that life is any less complex, but hopefully, a few minutes will continue to appear here and there to keep going. I turned off all posts in February because I was unable to respond to any; they will reappear, but I don't know how to keep their original dates, so now they are popping up as new! No promises on any regular, weekly features. I have to do those at work! I have, however, have missed the Internet dialogue. Note: 100th Lamb replaces the Blest Atheist blog, which was hijacked in 2009; the posts were transferred here. Click here for an explanation.

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Did You Miss Mass This Week?

When I was unable to attend Mass recently while traveling I was happy to find Mass on line.

Breviary Online

For those who pray the liturgy of hours or the Daily Office (or want a copy of the missal), here is a link to a free copy of the breviary.

About Me

I am the mother of 4 birth children (plus 3 others who lived with us) and grandmother of 2, all of them exceptional children. Married for 42 years, I grew up in Maine, live in California, and work in many places in education, linguistics, and program management. In my spare time, I rescue and tame feral cats and have the scars to prove it. A long-time ignorantly blissful atheist converted by a theophanic experience to Catholicism,
I am now a joyful catechist. Oh, I also authored a dozen books, two under my pen name of Mahlou (Blest Atheist and A Believer-in-Waiting's First Encounters with God).

My Conversion Story

My Other Blogs

This blog provides background information about various members of the extended Mahlou family. It is very much a work still in progress.

H2 HelperThis blog is dedicated to promoting personalized help to the hungry and homeless.

Mahlou MusingsThis site contains excerpts from my various publications. The tiger is a representation of my spirit and my life.

Modern MysticismThis blog discusses the mystical in our pragmatic, practical, realistic, and rational 21st century world and is addressed to those who spend some or much of their time in an irrational/mystical relationship with God. If such things do not strain your credulity, you are welcome to follow the blog and participate in it.

Urgent Prayer Request

Alleluiabelle at Humble As I Go needs prayers for her grandson (and also for her husband, who recently has encountered serious health problems). Details available on her blog.

Prayers Needed

Please pray for the following individuals, as well as anyone else with the same disorders; it is time to find a cure for all these things.

Ashlyn

Ashlyn has two strikes against her: Down's Syndrome and cancer. Prayers needed on both fronts.

Ben

Ben is a child with cancer (neuroblastoma). He is now technically cancer-free but is still underdoing chemo therapy and needs prayers for its effectiveness.

Bennett

A 5-month-old infant with an extra chromosome, Bennett has undergone open heart surgery successfully, and most recently, survived swine flu.

Chrissie

An American child recently adopted from Serbia, Chrissie is fighting for her life after heart surgery that did not go well.

Hope

Hope is a Down's Syndrome child who suffers from a heart defect that has been resistant to surgical repair.

Isaac

Premature Isaac has a very rare chromosal disorder that has required a trach, g-tube, and oxygen dependency.

Jaxson

Jaxson turned four recently! Check out the celebration at his website. He is a Down's Syndrome child with a tracheotomy.

Jonah

Jonah is an infant with junctional EB; he is making slow gains but experiencing many difficulties. Hope on over to his mother's blog to see some smile-provoking swimming pictures.

Kyleigh (and her mom, Amber)A mother and daughter are both battling devastating results from birth defects. I will be posting on them later, with an explanation of ways of how to help them. Amber has recently been discovered to have Chiari I malformation, and Kyleigh is a miraculous toddler, not expected to live, given VACTERLS Association. Amber's website is here and Ky's story is here. They need your help and your prayers.

Lillian

Lillian, who was born with trisomy, was trached, then decanulated (tracheotomy removed) but the stoma reopened; surgery tomorrow (7/8/10) to close the stoma - prayers, please; other concerns are what to do about school -- divine guidance needed for that, too.

Philip

Philip, recently baptized, has no swallowing reflexes; he was on oxygen and a feeding tube in November 2009. He is now getting stronger; see after-surgery post.

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Prayers Answered

Christmas Miracle

Jaden, a sweet 2-year-old with neuroblastoma (terminal cancer), has been on my prayer list, as well as many others, for months. Then, on December 23, his scan showed complete remission: no neuroblastoma cells anywhere!

From Prayer List to Miracle List

Stellan had a heart defect: Supraventricular Tacycardia (STV). He has needed surgeries, and much in his little life has been touch-and-go. Thousands of people have been praying for him, and now Stellan has been healed. He got his miracle. Click on the link to his name to read the family's overwhelmed and grateful reaction. Thanks to all readers of this blog who have been praying for this child of strangers. We are, after all, called to give kindness to strangers.

Leukemia Thwarted!

Dylan was born with leukemia. After six months in the hospital and on many prayer lists, Dylan is going home healthy. There are still babies with leukemia, however, who need your prayers!

Adoption Money AppearedSuccess! Melanie Hollis of Franklin, Tennessee was trying to raise $20K by Thanksgiving in order to adopt a Down's Syndrome child from Eastern Europe that she feels God is calling her to do. The goal was reached! For more information, see Melanie's website: the 30-day journey for Hope. (Hope is her Down's child with a heart defect - see prayer requests above.)

A Bahraini friend's brotherNineteen young men held and beaten for 17 months were declared innocent and pardoned after an all-night prayer vigil. See blog post about this.

Visa Granted; Cure Possible

Katya (her real name is Tanya, but since I used a pseudonym in Blest Atheist, I will stay with it here) is a dying blind orphan in Russian whose only wish is to see her two brothers, adopted by an American family 12 years ago, before she dies -- but American doctors believe that they can treat her, that she does not need to die. On October 20, 2009 after literally years of trying for this, she got an American visa! Subhanallah! More prayers are needed now because she is too ill to travel. It does not seem possible that God would bring us this far and not all the way. Please keep Katya (Tanya) in your prayers.read about Tanya

An Out-of-the-Box Solution

When Scott & White insurance company refused to pay for Lisa's cancer care, bloggers jumped in with prayers. Shortly thereafter, the State of Texas agreed to cover her medical expenses for the time being.Check Lisa's site, Glad Chatter: Ordinary Girl, Extraordinary God, for updates (and please keep praying - the cancer needs to be put into permanent remission).

Hallelujah! Many thanks to all of you for your prayers for these people. Please see my prayer list above. There are many more folks who need God's mercy and intervention.

Ways to Help Others

Afghans for AfghansA humanitarian and educational people-to-people project, this organization sends hand-knit and crocheted blankets and sweaters, vests, hats, mittens, and socks to the beleaguered people of Afghanistan. You can help by knitting and crocheting or by spreading the word.

Amazima MinistriesAmazing Ministries serves orphans in Uganda, East Africa, striving to keep the children in Uganda alive, give them life to the fullest, and educate the poorest of the poor intellectually and spiritually.

Animal Rescue SiteThe Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily so they can meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes about 15 seconds to go to their site and click on the purple box 'fund food for animals for free'. This doesn't cost you a thing.

Casa do Zezinho (Little Joe's House)Located in Death Triangle, the most dangerous part of Sao Paulo, Brazil, is an oasis for children, run by a lady named Dagmar, who once told me that she did not want to be called an angel because one had to die for that role. Nonetheless, she does an angel's work every day. (See post on Casa de Zezinho.)

Feel Good Yarn for Warming FamiliesWarming Families is a social network that knits warm clothing for the homeless. Through December 2009, Land's End will donate a skein of yard to Warming Families for each hat purchased.

For Your TearsThis is a blogsite providing emotional support (and a special handkerchief) for mothers who have lost a child. If you have lost one or know one who does, click over there.

Gulf BirdsThe Hunger Site's Animal Rescue page has teamed with Greater Good.org to save the fish and birds endangered by the oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. Click here if you would like more information about how you can help.

Kids for a Better FutureIn 2006, 9-year-old Akash Mehta recruited some of his young friends and founded an organization to improve life in Afghanistan: he has raised money to assist hospitals, schools, women, and, recently, Congolese child soldiers.

Habitat for HumanityHabitat for Humanity seeks to eliminate poverty housing and homeless from the world and to make decent shelter a matter of conscience and action.

Orphan Cry (Liberia) Building on its success in Russia (see below), Orphan Cry has opened Christ Our Hope Orphanage in Monrovia, Liberia, a country with 85% unemployment and an average life expectancy of 42.5 years. Clothing, books, and water are priorities for OC in Liberia.

Orphan Cry (Russia)The fall of communism has created a parallel phenomenon: the fall of the child. An American church group has spearheaded an attempt to help children throughout Russia. The group has helped many orphans by improving the living conditions in the orphanages of Russia and creating opportunities for a better life for children as they mature into adulthood and leave the orphanages.

Pakistan16 million Pakistanis are desperate for help, and one young college student, Wajeeha, and her classmates have taken a journey to help them. Read about their plans (now fulfilled) here: Come Along on a Journey to Help Pakistan One Family at a Time. Thank you to the readers of 100th Lamb who contributed to this effort. More help is needed in Pakistan. In addition to Wajeeha's project, two helping organizations through whom you can contribute are Catholic Relief (for people needs) and World Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (for creature needs).

Pet FinderInternational rescue and adoption agency for pets. Adopt a pet, provide a foster home, help with rescue.

Por Amor a Los Ninos de Colombia (For Love of the Children of Colombia)This is Father Julio's site for helping the impoverished children of rural Colombia. Lack of money and schooling impel the children to join guerrilla groups, commit petty crimes, or become addicted to drugs. The Por Amor foundation has set about to build a centrally located school (nearly done) and a self-sustaining farm for this at-risk population.

Priests in CrisisThis site presents situations in which priests need help of various sorts. Rather than try to explain all the differing circumstances, I encourage you to go to the site and see for yourself. Perhaps there is a way that you can help someone who gives much to our Catholic community.

Prison MinistryDonate Catholic books to prison inmates. What a great use for a book we have finished reading!

Ronald McDonald HouseThe Ronald McDonald House is a home away from home for parents who need to move to a large city on a temporary basis while an ill child is receiving care from experts not available at home. Having a place to stay can be very reassuring, as well as making care financially feasible for parents coping with major medical issues.

Starfish Foster Home (China)Starfish Foster Home (SCS) to rescue Chinese orphans in need of medical care by working in collaboration with local orphanges. After nursing them back to health through solid nutrition and a loving environment, Starfish Children's Services organizes and pays for the children’s surgeries before providing post-operative care. After the surgeries, the goal shifts to getting these children in the adoption pipeline so that they can join a stable, loving family. To do this, they need help from people like you and me: money, medicine. Please contact them if you can help.

The Hunger SiteThe Hunger Site provides a specific amount of food (varies by day depending upon the number of advertisers) to those who are hungry around the world as a result of visitation to the site. (You must click to enter your visit; there are items that can be purchased but no purchase is necessary -- just a click -- to donate food.) Linked sites where you can donate in the same way, just by visiting and clicking, include the Animal Rescue, Breast Cancer, Child Health, Literacy, and Rain Forest sites. It is worth the small investment of time to do this daily. (If you do purchase something, there is a greater amount of donations made.)

Transitions Global empowers survivors of sex trafficking in Cambodia, Thailand, India and elsewhere with the opportunity to heal and recapture the most basic of human rights: freedom and hope. The various branches of this organization provide a safe environment where the girls can heal through intensive trauma therapy and life skills training, as well as learn job skills, enabling them to become healthy, independent adults. (The image comes from the movie, Trade, which chronicles a sex slave experience.)

Uganda Orphan FundThis organization helps orphans with HIV through the sale of jewelry. (In 2007, the number of orphans in Uganda was estimated at 2 million, about half of whom suffer from AIDS/HIV.)

Village EarthThis consortium empowers communities to sustainably access and manage the resources needed to achieve their vision for the future by working directly with communities as allies, distributing appropriate technology information, as well as providing training, consultation and networking services to individuals, communities and organizations around the globe. Financial help is needed for projects in Cambodia, India, Guatemala, Peru, and South Dakota. Volunteers are also being sought.

World Society for Prevention of Cruelty to AnimalsNicknamed "the cat woman of Amman" due to the many feral cats I rescued while living there, I would remind readers not to forget our animal friends. The WSPCA does outstanding work. A little money goes a long way; so does volunteerism.

WWF InternationalFormerly called the World Wildlife Fund, today this organization is better known by its initials, especially because it has gone beyond just saving animals of this planet to saving the planet itself, looking at the environment which must be preserved if animals -- and people -- are to have a livable home.

Dove of Peace

The Dove of Peace flies from site to site and through as many countries as possible. Please help it continue its healing journey and pass it on. Just right-click the image, save, and then place it on your website or send it to a friend.

Award-Free Blog

Periodically, someone gives me a blog award, which I do sincerely appreciate. I have, however, decided not to post them on this blog site although I am happy to express my appreciation on the blog award giver's site. My blogs are for glorifying God. To accept awards would place me at the center of attention, where God belongs, not I. I hope readers/bloggers will understand.