Monday, 15 October 2012

A list of reasons my dog won't go outside to pee:

Cold - "Godfriend, my fur is too cold. Let us try tomorrow. IS THAT A BALL YOU HAVE THERE?"

Hot - "Godfriend, my fur is too warm. I don't want to melt under the giant burning ball in they sky. Let's stay inside today and we can play 'who loves you more'. Hint: It's meeee!"

Raining - "The sky-god is sad, Godfriend. Perhaps you can offer him a treat. Not one of mine though, I think he would hate those."

Snowing - "GODFRIEND, WHAT ARE THESE WHITE MOON-TEARS?!"

Windy - "The tree-things are angry today, Godfriend. I will not vex them further."

Dark - "...suspicious, sticky black."

Too bright - "The great sky-eye is fixed on us, Godfriend. We must stay off the roads."

Too smelly - "The old friend-monster next door is engaging in his bi-monthly fire rituals. You and I know nothing good comes from the Red God."

Too loud - "I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING AND IT TASTES LIKE PANIC. Let's stay inside and wait for it to pass. Here, I will amuse you by squeaking this toy!"

Too quiet - "Godfriend, I can hear very little. It is the time of night when the Cat Gods roam. I shall not venture out this night. We can cuddle instead!"

Too many birds - "Do you see them? Classic bird-creature attack positions. I do not think it is safe for you out there."

Not enough birds - "...suspicious."

The cats are watching through the window - "Godfriend, make them stop watching me! Make them stop! They cannot know all my secrets!"

If she's on her own - "Godfriend! Godfriend! You are the best! Come and see what I have made in my body for you. Did you see?!"

If all her poop has been poopscavated - "WHERE AM I? I NEEDED ALL OF THAT, I DON'T KNOW WHERE ANYTHING IS ANYMORE! Godfriend, the cats have taken my markers and are using them for their nefarious schemes!"

If there are fireworks - "A red comet! And a blue one and a pink one and.. I mean, I'm just guessing. I'm kind of colourblind."

Before she has eaten - "Oh, great Godfriend, I cannot possibly venture outside so weak from hunger."

After she has eaten - "Oh, great Godfriend, I cannot possibly venture outside so full from the delicious wobbly meaty bits you so benevolently allowed me."

If it looks like it MIGHT POSSIBLY START TO RAIN WHILE WE'RE OUT THERE. - "No, Godfriend. Save yourself. Just remember, I love you."

About Me

I'm Jen. Obviously. I like writing, cheese and shoes. And animals. And movies. And TV. I am often struck by insomnia, but I make up for it by learning the internet while I can't sleep. I've seen things, man.