Not so much a remake of 1979's "When a Stranger Calls" as it is a remake of the first 20 minutes of 1979's "When a Stranger Calls," 2006's "When a Stranger Calls" is simply and succinctly one of the most inept, inert, and resoundingly unwatchable "horror" movies of the past few years. And keep in mind that the past few years have included remakes like "The Fog," "House of Wax," and "The Amityville Horror." And a dozen more you're now embarrassed to admit you paid to see.

"A girl wanders around a house, stopping only occasionally to answer a phone. Usually the call is coming from someone creepy."

There's your first 50-some minutes of When a Stranger Calls, and if you think I'm kidding, be sure to rent the thing one day and be sure to stay away from heavy machinery. This flick is the Nyquil of the PG-13 horror genre.

Jill's a babysitter in a bizarrely huge and arcanely contorted neo-mansion, and she's a girl who gets a whole lot of phone calls. After fielding call after call from a clearly deranged individual, she begins to realize that her harasser has easy access to the house. The amazingly clueless cops offer no assistance whatsoever, while a variety of blink & you miss 'em background characters populate the periphery and add absolutely nothing to the flick besides running time.

Hallway wander, ring, hallway wander, ring, and on and on it goes. Fake scares and shrieking strains of musical score occasionally punctuate the tedium, but those moments exist only to wake you up and annoy you. Pay close attention to the movie and you'll find yourself perpetually reminded of the Scream and Scary Movie series -- mainly because those flicks tweaked, satirized, and lampooned this one-note junk out of existence. (Or at least we thought it did...)

Strangely, nobody over at Sony Screen Gems bothered to remind director Simon West and screenwriter Jake Wade Wall that in order to stretch a 20-minute sequence into feature-length form -- you need to do a whole lot more than amp up the hallway wanderings and dole out a few "omg it was the CAT" pseudo-jolts.

Stylistically stillborn, narratively retarded, and intent on beating its one and only concept into the dirt with merciless monotony, When a Stranger Calls is a perfect example of why so many horror remakes get made these days: All you need is a semi-familiar title and enough of a "hook" to fit into a 2-minute trailer, and you're all but guaranteed a huge opening weekend from the 15-year-olds who, frankly, will go see any damn movie if it means they can hang out with their friends for a few hours.