Friday, 30 September 2011

Those crazy jokers over at AC Milan pulled a hahahah CRAZZY prank the other night when they... ha ah ahaa get this..... warmed up wearing novelty beards! ha haa a a ah a ah ah ah a a hah ahahaaah a ah

this is stolen from the Metro, who stole it from youtube

All of the big stars did it and the fans couldn't believe their eyes. We did some interviews with the astonished crowd. One guy called Paolo said:

"At first I thought it was terrorists but then none of them exploded so it was OK"

Another fan called Gianluca said "ita wasa soooo funny, like chicken cross road joke. Why? Do make lasagne! ha ha a haha"

And another fan called Mario said "I have had the weirdest fucking two days. I banged my head against this pipe I fell down when I was fixing something, and suddenly I was in this magical world where a giant dinosaur kept trying to rape this really hot princess and I felt compelled to help for no real reason. And there was this little mushroom talking dude. I dunno what was going on really but I just went along with it".

Last night my girlfriend assured me that if the USA had to, and I promise I'm not making this up, they could make genetically modified dinosaurs that were nuclear proof to fight Russia.

The last time we wrote a story about Roberto Carlos he was crying about being black or being made fun of for being black, I forget which. Now everything's OK because he's the manager of aldjasha;ejk asdlashaahjshjdsahjsdjpoaeklwkl

Actually spelt Anzhi Makhachkala, the Russian club fired their previous manager who for laziness purposes is probably called John Smithkowski. Good old Roberto has stepped up to the plate and taken charge of the club in the mean time who also own mega millionaire Sammy Eto'o. Everyone likes him so it's a good move, and it might mean he can finally buy a golden toilet like he'd always dreamed.

His first grand gesture as acting manager is to invite everyone that made monkey chants at him to a behind the scenes game as a way to build bridges between the two opposing sides. Then he's going to lock the door and release radioactive spider monkeys until everyone is dead.

Or maybe he won't and ignore that idea just like he has all my other letters. If only they'd listen!

Poor little Frank Lampard got left out of a match the other night because he isn't very good anymore but he simply won't stand for it! Oh... no.... he will. Phew.

from whoateallthepies.tv

Frank Lampard hasn't been good for about two seasons now. Sure, he scores goals and you'd rather have in your team than like twenty Michael Carricks but his only power is kicking a football at another person and then that person putting the ball in their own net. On the other hand, Lampard has a lot more respect from me for being a pro and saying he would never disrespect the club by storming off or sulking about being left out. Instead he's going to eat as many cakes as he can fit in his belly at once, or as many as he can get before Greggs runs out. Whichever happens first.

Sam Allardyce is a genius by all accounts, and now he's hatched a master plan to really help West Ham's promotion bid, by trying to sign Carlos Tevez on loan.

Honestly there is more chance of Carlos Tevez being the king of the bees and leading an attack from his home planet called 'the land of the bees' and shooting bees from his eyes at people and turning other people into bees than there is of him signing for West Ham again. And there's even more chance of him actually being a bee than ever playing for Sam Allardyce, so nice journalism 'The Sun'. How do these people get jobs?

Robin Van Persie is being a real jerk and not getting involved with any transfer rumours or contract shenanigans. It's fine though because Manchester City are involved and that's always fun

Because Mancini has ordered a hit on Carlos Tevez we probably won't see much more of him. Robin Van Persie is one of the world's best strikers and since money is as available as water at Man City, expect Arsenal to accept a £20 million bid because they are the absolute worst at transfers. You could offer to buy a banana from the emirates for £1 and they'd haggle you down to 20p, even though it's their fucking fruit. It's ok though, there's a whole new crop coming through next season anyway. I think next year will really be their year for bananas. Or maybe the year after that

Since two players started having a fight in the middle of the pitch, Kettering Town have put eleven players on the transfer list.

from BBC Sport

The club have released a statement saying that it's for various reasons but actually mostly because they are all shit. And also because they had a fight in the middle of the pitch during a football match even though they play for the same team. Please begin donating now to the ex-Kettering Town players charity fund to make sure we can find homes for these stray players. Unless we show Moses Ashikodi how to make a cheese sandwich from things he finds in a bin, there's a good chance he'll have to be put down and no-one wants that. Except the Kettering Town manager who probably would have all these guys put to sleep if it was legal or he knew how

Jack Wilshere is 19 years old, good looking and a rich footballer. Now he owns his own little human. Great idea.

Jack has waved bye bye to the potential of having any fun throughout his 20s spending his millions and instead will have to stay in and watch X-Factor, rather than go out and take advantage of impressionable young girls in night clubs, taking comically named drugs and waking up on park benches. Actually he's rich so replace park benches with mysterious islands. Are we supposed to just believe that at 19 he's an adult with a successful job and mature enough to raise a child? Is he trying to make me look bad? How am I supposed to compete with that? The joke's on him because I'm almost 26 and already feel too tired after work to go and do anything fun. ROCK AND ROLL.

Just to make the story even stranger Jack named him after a train driver in the 40s. Say hello to Archie Wilshere

Paul Scholes has announced that he sympathises with Carlos Tevez because he also knows how it feels to act like a spoilt child, having thrown a tantrum when he was left out of a match a few years ago.

borrowed from soccerbuzz.net

Talking to the BBC, Scholes said:

"It's totally up to the manager but Carlos wouldn't have been thinking that. He'll be thinking, 'The manager is against me, why is he not bringing me on? I'm City's best player and he's not playing me'.

"I'm not saying he [Tevez] is right - it's totally up to the manager."

Which goes to show you that footballers really are total dick heads. If I turned up for my job and then refused to do the task that I am employed to do, I'd just probably get fired, let alone adding in an entire summer of trying to escape through any open window that I found. You'd think Tevez is in jail right now, not his multi-million pound mansion or in his super car as he drives to a park to play football.

Scholes refused to play for Utd after being dropped for a game against Liverpool. Realising quite soon after that he was being stupid, he apologised and accepted his fine. I can't help but assume it was probably either the severed horse's head he woke up next to, or the drunk abusive phone calls from SAF that helped him have this epiphany.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Fat man-child Titus Bramble has been arrested under suspicion of sexual assault and possession of a class A drug.

There's been no club statement yet and the best joke has already been made about this so there's not much to say. The joke is "I bet that's not the first time Bramble's been caught in possession" and I saw some guy on Twitter post it, so kudos to you Twitter man.

I'd imagine it takes a shit load of drugs to get Bramble high. I'm thinking elephant sized doses, and at least there's little chance of him being sexually assaulted himself in jail. He's like a human wall, or a terrifying version of winnie the pooh.

Carlos Tevez has been acting like a bellend as recently as last night but now he realises he's probably going to have clean the bins for his job, he's started to deny any wrong doing, or knowledge of what was going on.

"I would like to apologise to all Manchester City fans, with whom I have always had a strong relationship, for any misunderstanding that occurred in Munich.

"They understand that when I am on the pitch I have always given my best for the club. In Munich on Tuesday I had warmed up and was ready to play.

The worst part about the letter is that because it was translated from Spanish it ended with the words "mwa ha ha ha! That ought to keep those idiots at bay. Now, to Mexico, post haste! Stop typing what I'm saying, idiot."

He can't read either so he didn't proof it first. In jungle beast school they teach you how to disembowel intruders before reading Dickens.

In a clash of the titans, Kettering lost 3-5 to Hayes & Yeading in an eight goal thriller. My favourite part was when two of Kettering's strikers started punching each other in the middle of the pitch.

lazy google searching, this might not be a kettering top

The BBC reports that Moses Ashikodi and Jean-Paul Marna started trying to murder each other after one of them missed a penalty, and the other then scored from the resulting corner. They were both sent off and haven't been seen in public since. If you see some bodies floating down your local river you should probably just ignore it.

I can only assume that one of the two just finally snapped after months of bullying from the other - missing the penalty was the final straw so when he rubbed in the fact that he managed to score from a corner, all hell broke loose. Reports that midway through the fight Jericho and Stone Cold Steve Austin came in with a steel chair are AWESOME.

Steve Mclaren really hasn't had a very good time in the last few years. Last night he sat outside on his own during half-time. Try and guess how things are going at the moment.

Nottingham Forrest were destroyed 5-1 by Burnley last night and rather than try and analyse what went wrong during the first half, Mclaren used his time with the players to tell them to fuck off, then go and fanny around on the pitch while he sat and cried on his own in the dugout. After the match he went "I FUCKING HATE THEM' and did cartwheels down the corridor until questioned some more.

"Everything will be questioned now and everything will be looked at. There is no excuses from anybody, that was a rubbish performance."

That's what he told some BBC reporter, which seems completely normal, until you learn that after this statement he asked how much the guy would sell his children for, claiming that he's been "given this task to build a giant ark" or something and needs more cheap labour. This may or may not be true.

Good old Carlos Tevez loves nothing more than making everyone else happy. And by that I mean he is an awful cunt.

Carlos Tevez, photographer unknown

Mancini decided not to play Tevez again and named him as a substitute, which as we all know, Carlos loves. At some point when City were being raped 2-0 by Bayern, the Italian opted to play De Jong in midfield to calm everything down and because he didn't put on Tevez, the monster refused to play. He actually refused to go on the pitch. Edin Dzeko ran off down the tunnel to cry like a little girl, but at least he just wanted to play. This bellend on the other hand... Citing the circus that went on during the summer where he wasn't allowed to just do whatever he wanted, Tevez moaned and moaned to post match interviewers while over on Sky Sports, Graeme Souness tried to explain how he would literally kill him if he had the chance. As in what methods of torture and then death he would inflict upon him. On Twitter people started calling for Tevez's head saying he should never play again mwa ha ha, ban him forever, that'll teach him, internet power!!!!

In the real world, David Platt suggested we all calm the fuck down and get over it. I prefer this option.

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

In a FA Youth Cup game last night between Bath City and Newport County, six players were sent off because they were wearing the wrong colour of underwear.

The match 'descended into farce' when the referee first sent off some player because he was too ugly to look at, and then his manager for dissent. Used to the wonderful images of Ronaldo and David Beckham modelling fashion underwear, the unsightly mismatch of white underpants and black shorts made him see red, and then literally as he sent off a further four players for various reasons. Too short, too white, too fat - he just wanted someone he could have a bit of fun with after the match.

In his defence, what he thought he was told before the game was that he was going to be in charge of 22 young men in a bath. When it turned out he was refereeing some bull shit game between two teams no-one cares about he just decided to make it entertaining. I would much rather have watched this game than 99% of SPL games so he's done something right.

It's fair enough to bet like a pound on that, just incase, but £100?! This guy bet most serious gambler's weekly dole amount on four really weird games - either he knows something no-one else does or he's some kind of magical creature. If you want to know where he lives just follow the next rainbow you see.

I doubt we'll ever hear of this again but that blonde woman, Carolyn Still, who is chief executive at Mansfield Town for entirely "legitimate reasons" is going to marry the club's owner. Gee, I wonder what's going on there.

Although half-woman, half-duck, using the power of her vagina she has managed to snare owner John Radford into a life-long commitment thus ensuring her job is pretty much safe forever. What little control he had over his own life is on a downward spiral now that he not only fucks this very important employee, but she also lives in his house and can't be gotten rid of unless through a court. Expect disciplinary procedures to take place when he plays computer games for too long, or forgets to notice that she's had her hair done. Nice work, idiot.

Ally McCoist has pleaded with the SFA not to single out Old Firm players for punishment for doing things they shouldn't, in their new 'Fastrack' system. Steven Naismith has very unfairly been banned for elbowing someone in the head you see, this can't continue.

not sure where I got this from, but thanks

I don't know if anyone in Glasgow realises it, but the only reason this whole system got set up was to make sure that Old Firm teams don't get away with continually cheating. Sure, you can't always stop the ref from awarding the penalty in the first place, and you can quite easily ignore that Hibs player rolling around the floor and tell everyone you didn't see it, but at least you can ban these bullying arse holes later on. Oh but actually we should preserve the old firm because without them the SPL would become boring, or whatever argument it is that they use now. Even if we chained the entire starting 22 of both Old Firm teams to the changing room walls, they'd still finish 20 points ahead of every other team.

Portuguese striker Salvador Agra had an interesting match the other night in his homeland when he was knocked unconscious. Never fear the medics are here! Oh... wait

So after being accidentally "kneed in the head", left out cold on the pitch and surrounded by worried team-mates, the medics turned up with a stretcher and dropped him clean off the thing on the way to the ambulance. He's alive, so don't worry, but this little episode certainly didn't help him. It sounds a little bit like this

Probably better than being put in a cage at Manchester United and injected with crazy new liquids though. I dunno. It might also stop Portuguese players diving so much I suppose

As any adult male will tell you, when traversing the years of adolescence, many things could make you angry. Angry enough to kill?!! Not really, but definitely enough to punch things like walls and doors. You're supposed to stop when you grow up though, Luton Town midfielder Alex Lawless.

Trailing 3-0 at half time to his old club York, Lawless took his anger out on a nearby wall made completely out of stone. If you want to know who won that battle, the human now has an entirely broken hand, the wall just feels hurt inside. He also earned himself a fine from the club for being an idiot and has to miss a month of football, which is completely different to that time I headbutted my desk because Vega kept beating me in Street Fighter 2 on the SNES. Or that time yesterday that I punched the sofa because I lost at FIFA to some 12 year old French boy online. I too have overcome my teenage rage

That's what Neil Warnock has said about Armand Traore after the defender was sent off against Aston Villa. Oooooooh!

borrowed from sky (they used hargreaves, they owe us)

Now I don't want to point fingers here, but I can't help but notice that Neil Warnock is white and looks evil, and Traore is of African descent sooooo. Case closed.

The now QPR man was sent off for making a challenge he had absolutely no need to make and was pulled aside by manager Kreacher the House Elf to explain why he had done it. When the answer was a blank expression, Warnock told him that not only had he let the team down, the club down and the fans down, but he had let himself down, and there is nothing worse than that. Unless you play in Colombia or Brazil, where if you let the fans down you get killed. It's a good system

If by forever you mean five months, then Jack Wilshere will be injured forever. The Arsenal and social networking star is going to miss the first half of this season because of an ankle injury he sustained during a pre-season friendly.

Then he went on Twitter and was like 'aww thanks for your support guys' blah blah blah. Man this guy is boring. If you ever have a party don't invite him around unless you have really good wifi so he can keep everyone updated on the party he is at. What is it with everyone and facebook and phoning people all the time? Am I old? It really pisses me off.

Yeh so... sorry for the lack of updates at the moment, Jack is currently in New Zealand watching rugby and I do actually do other things with my life sometimes. In other news Alex Ferguson thinks TV is going to kill us all.

SAF revealed in an interview with the BBC, who he's only recently decided to start talking to again, that TV pretty much just controls how the Premiership runs. Because we didn't know that already.

Football is pretty much WWE now thanks to Sky - I'm not complaining, it's great, I just think they could do more. I want substitutes to enter the field with their own theme music, fireworks going off everywhere: "oh no! Here come the Neville brothers" *rock music*. Ferguson already sometimes heads into the middle of the pitch with a microphone, and rather than the made up stories we get in wrestling, the british tabloids give us loads of stories about footballers with page three girls, footballers raping page three girls and all the updates from twitter wars. Sometimes there are even pictures and videos from behind the scenes.

I have little interest in watching big games on the BBC because it's just not as exciting. They try and analyse real statistics and focus on the games past, even going back to pre-war history, as though it has some sort of relevance to Man Utd vs Chelsea. No one cares about black and white people! We are the internet generation. Give us tits, or gtfo

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Some of Arsenal's best players run out of contract in 2013, so now their agents are trying to get more money for them, forgetting that trying to milk money from Arsenal is only slightly easier than drawing electricity from a cow.

That's Adebayor's hair in the background btw. If Van Persie has grown tired of always finishing not first in all competitions, he will have the chance to move to either of the Milan sides who have both expressed an interest, along with Man City, who can just pay him to mow the garden or wash the car or something. By this point in time Arsene Wenger's head will have exploded and created a new universe or parallel dimension. Whichever you prefer. Do I have to make all the jokes around here?

I had never heard of Ross Barkley until about three hours ago but now I've also learned he's worth £30million to Man City, Man Utd and Chelsea. And he's 17.

I honestly thought he was going to be black because his brother Gnarls is. I'm a little surprised. Perhaps his voice is even better and that's why these clubs want him so much; like a strange, footballing version of Jigglypuff, Ross Barkley sings his opponents to sleep and then scores goals while they remain under his spell. He doesn't look quite as gay as Jigglypuff but who am I to judge? We're all on your side, Ross. It's 2011 now, helloooooo!

This is front page news because he might miss one, or even two games. Asked about the extent of the injury to Wayne's hamstring, a spokesperson for the club said 'OH MY CHRIST, THE END IS NIGH' and then he escaped at high speed in his land rover, traversing the rain soaked road through the cold night, swerving out of the way of oncoming traffic and the dark, woodland surroundings, all in his understandably panicked state. Meanwhile, the remainder of Alex Ferguson's squad held a candle light vigil to pray for his poor hamstring.

Without his hamstring the world is in grave danger.

He'll be fit to play next week though, but as is the way with Wayne Rooney, once he's played well for about ten games he has to get injured. It is his curse.

Fluminese played a lovely game of football against Atletico Paranaense the other day. Nothing too exciting happened - there were a couple of goals, some throw-ins, substitutions and most normal things you'd expect. Oh and also armed police opened fire at the crowd.

In what could be an interesting rehearsal for the security of one of the 2014 World Cup stadiums, armed police pointed their rifles at the rioting fans and fired rubber bullets at them. Why were they rioting? It's in Brazil, do they need a reason? In this case a penalty was dubiously awarded, which Fluminese scored, prompting fans to blockade the players exit so that the teams and referee were unable to leave the pitch. In the first football match I ever saw the worst thing that happened was a Rangers reserve player being booked for dissent. Meanwhile, Ronaldo Jr over South America saw an incorrect decision and then had to avoid being shot. If only there was a way I could combine the two

Bayern Munich defender Breno got bored the other night and tried to burn his house down. He did quite well, but not well enough to not be investigated by the police.

The guy is bored because he is injured, 21 years old and already has a wife and three kids - it's no wonder he went fucking mental. If all it takes to get a few (million) quid in insurance is burn down the place that you live in, why not? It's more fun than hitting 'refresh' on Facebook all day. I'd burn my flat down if I thought I'd get some money for it. Of course then I'd have to deal with the annoying landlord, the dead neighbours upstairs etc. I never really see anyone come to visit them anyway, I'm sure no-one would mind.

Bayern Munich said:

"We are surprised by the new situation that Breno will now be investigated. As we do not have any further information we cannot make any other comment."

I think I need to point out that he might not actually have set fire to his house, as he did have to 'escape' the inferno and be treated for smoke inhalation. These are two of the signs of innocence I learned in crime school

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Everyone knows that Nicolas Anelka is moving at the end of the season, but we know where!

Actually we don't and are just guessing. It's either going to be Paris St Germain, because he's French and they are rich, or it will be one of two MLS teams, LA Galaxy or NY Red Bulls. Because New York is awesome it will be New York.

That's literally as investigative as we get here. And we stole that photo. If one day this whole site disappears it's because we've been sued. A lot.

Steve Kean is keen (!!!!!) to stress that lucky omens are essential for any professional football club, and so has booked the same hotel that Blackburn stayed in the last time they beat Newcastle. How the fuck does this qualify as news?

“We’ll be staying at the same hotel," confirmed Kean. “If you go down to London and get battered, you change your hotel. You don’t go back to the unlucky one. “We’ve stayed in this one the last few times and we’ve won, so we will be back at the Jesmond Dene. We have an incredible record at Newcastle and it will lift the lads. Sometimes you go to a ground and get that. It can be the hotel you stay in before that brings back positive memories and I think that helps.”

David Goodwillie is set to follow in the lucky traditions by trying to rape someone after the match because he's heard no one ever gets done in this hotel. Steve Kean is also going to avoid walking under ladders, seeing black cats and opening umbrella's indoors, not due to superstition but because he'll be lying pissed outside in a bin.

Some lower league teams in Brazil exhibited all the best parts of their particular brand of football by spitting on a referee's face the other day. Thankfully the clip became an internet sensation so no real damage was done.

So 'hilariously' this referee dives to the ground after the number 6 tries to head butt him for sending him off, and then spits directly into his eyes. Forgetting that referees are all trained in the 'bear attack' style of self defence, the internet has since jumped on to this ref claiming that he simulated being pushed or whatever. I don't care - anyone that spits on someone else should be put down. That goes for those minks that spit on the street as well, and walk as though they just bought the entire world. It's that swagger that annoys me the most. And why do I always see minks wearing Rangers tracksuits, but I never see them wearing any other team's brand of tracksuit. Why does that happen? Cunts.

Even though Darron Gibson can't even spell his own name right, Everton still want to sign him. The only thing stopping the transfer is money, and the fact that Everton don't have any.

Having moved down the pecking order at Man Utd because he's injured and also because his only skill is to kick a ball very hard from quite far away from the goal, Gibson might take advantage of the chance of some Premiership first team football. David Moyes is believed not to be able to offer any money for the player's services, but has promised that he can borrow his bike most wednesdays and also that he can come round to play Mario Kart on the Wii whenever he likes. Gibson is believed to be interested.

Owen Hargreaves (again, I know) has revealed that he was a human guinea pig during his time at Old Trafford, and crazed, lunatic scientists would carry out insane experiments to try and fix his broken body. Man Utd say that they don't. Who is lying?!!!

Hargreaves says he isn't happy with the injections he used to keep getting, Man Utd say that they employ 'brilliant' sports medical personnel - there is only one way to solve the mystery. If we host a fight to the death between Hargreaves and the scientists, sort of like in an action movie, where the now bionic Hargreaves takes on his creators it will be a battle to end all battles and everyone will make money. Except the scientists who will die whilst screaming 'WHY DIDN'T WE SHUT DOWN THE EXPERIMENT?! WE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED' and Jeff Goldblum hangs his head in shame and exasperation at the evil, capitalist white middle class males who ignored his advice.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Our best friend Owen Hargreaves marked his first proper match in 3 years and 4 months by scoring an awesome goal against Birmingham. I think it's only fair we claim most of the credit for his progress.

He likes fruit pastilles blah blah blah very funny, I'm so wacky lolz 11!!1111 etc. I don't think there's a single person in the world who isn't happy for Mr Hargreaves. Just playing over 60 minutes of the game was an achievement in itself after 3 years out, let alone hitting a 25 yarder

It is an absolute peach. Hargreaves also now looks like Captain America because he's effectively lived in a gym for the past three years of his life. Or should that be Captain Canada? That sounds like the worst super hero ever. He'd run up to the bad guy, tell him he was being mean, then run away, hide behind a bush and throw rocks at him. That sounds like something Balotelli would do actually.

Because most Fenerbahce following Turkish men are 20% human and 300% arse-hole, the Turkish FA decided to ban all of them from a recent game involving their club, instead only admitting women and children under the age of 12.

stolen directly from the BBC's version of the same story

41,000 women, girls and boys all turned up for the match and there were no violent songs, the opposition team were applauded and welcomed, and generally the good parts of a competitive sporting match between two sets of supporters were upheld. The last game Fenerbahce played was a 'friendly' where the fans invaded the pitch and started a riot and as punishment the FA ordered two matches to be played behind closed doors. Later changing this ban to allow women in seems to have worked but clearly the ultimate of goal of seeing some tits has failed so it won't be repeated.

Since they banned adult websites and YouTube in Turkey, all the chairman really wants is something to give him a boner. As with many adult males, simply thinking about sex is no longer enough since the internet was invented, and unless a specific kind of inter-racial midget fisting is onscreen nothing happens. He just sits there cursing the government, which makes him even less horny. It's a real tragedy.

Inter Milan are set to hold X-Factor style auditions to search for the greatest manager ever to take care of their next five games, after sacking another one yesterday. Failing that, rumours are they plan to bring in either He-Man or one of the Thunder Cats.

Gasperini's departure marks Inter's 27th manager in two weeks and understandably the players are becoming somewhat unsettled, not only because they keep losing but also because they have to keep standing up at meetings and introducing themselves. There's only so many times telling everyone what the most embarrassing song on your iPod is before it loses its charm. The next manager plans to take them all on another team building exercise, using all of his cunning and wackiness to take them go-karting. "It's guaranteed to force them all to be best friends - I'm brilliant", was what we overheard Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles say as he waited for his interview, next to the leprechaun from Lucky Charms and Steve Paterson.

Michael Owen has given some hints that his future may lie away from Manchester United unless he can somehow kill all of the other strikers there.

Speaking after scoring two goals against Leeds the other night, Owen pointed out that at 31 he still has "a good few years left" and in order to play more than three games a year it would seem appropriate he joins a club that matches his ambition and that has a vacant striker's position. Or, he could just sign for any club that will pay him more money. Not that he would ever do that. As a boyhood Everton fan, surely he'd just play a couple of seasons for them on reduced pay, just to say he'd done it? Isn't that what football is all about? The passion and pride of taking your boy-hood club on a magnificent journey through the world of football? It might only be for a couple of years but the experience will last a lifetime.

What am I talking about? Of course it's not. All aboard the money train woo woo!

Joey Barton has had an interesting past few months terrorising his employers with social networking, reciting philosophical quotes he's read and moving to London. Oh and he also ruined a move to Arsenal

Because Barton pulled Gervinho from the ground and then pretended he was being attacked by a bear, Arsene Wenger decided not to follow up his interest in him. At least that's what Barton says, and he followed it up in classic Joey style by pointing out how QPR are currently higher up the table than Arsenal. Then he ran through the streets of London with a bouquet of flowers singing about his girlfriend being in a coma, not realising that the Smith's song wasn't a description of a literal act. Or maybe he did know. I really can't tell if he's aware of half the things he talks about or not, he might actually be really clever. Either way I'm still scared of him.

Aberdeen managed to achieve one of our all time greatest results two nights ago by losing to a team most readers of this blog didn't know existed. Craig Brown is control!

(c) www.flickr.com/scottbaxter

Chairman Stewart Milne has backed Craig and his management team saying that 'we spent fucking ages stealing these guys from Motherwell, there's no way I'm getting rid of them now' and pointing out that it's mostly the players' fault for being lazy cunts. I've been following Aberdeen for about 18 years now, since I only really started watching football when I was about seven, and this 'player under-performing' thing seems to have been a common fault throughout every single manager's reign. Perhaps it's the futility of the doomed SPL the team inhabits, or perhaps it's because morons keep making their children support the Old Firm thanks to loose ties with Glasgow or glory hunting - either way, it's really, really boring supporting this football club.

Craig promises he's the man to turn things around at the club and he's probably right. You could put Barney the Dinosaur in charge and we'd still lose to Dunfermline's under-15s girl's team in a cup match. Oh, but we'd beat Rangers in the league to finish eighth, so it's ok.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Super rich kajillionaires Anzhi Makhachkala have decided that it is finally time to ruin football forever by signing players who aren't even very good anymore for so much money that it makes my brain bleed just thinking about it. Next on their list is Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard.

Sammy Eto'o has already jumped the shark and now with a reported offer of about £13 million per season, each, the English pair are reported to being lined up. Whether they'd want to move to Russia or not is uncertain, because while I haven't been, my knowledge of the country is that it is cold, racist and full of poverty. If they really want to live in those conditions may I suggest a shorter move to the glorious kingdom of Aberdeen? It's about the only place in the world that those two players will look good playing together and they don't even have to exchange any of their money for rubles, or whatever made up currency Russia has.

Sir Alex Ferguson laid into Ashley Cole's 'shocking' tackle on Javier Hernandez the other day because it could have fucking killed him.

borrowed from sportige.com

The vicious tackle, committed whilst trying to win the ball in the penalty area, has ruled out the Mexican for a terrifying two weeks and leaves Manchester United with only 18 top class strikers to choose from for their next certain victory.

"It was a shocking tackle. Ashley Cole is very reckless at times. Being committed, you can sometimes go over the edge a bit.

"We don't know how Hernandez will be. His leg is very numb."

That's what Ferguson told MUTV, though had Utd been losing he'd probably have been pleased because it would have excused the three hours of injury time his team would have demanded.

Manchester City head of youth player development or something, Patrick Vieira, has unveiled plans for the clubs future player recruitment which seem to include placing the entire city under a glass dome, or blocking the sun with a massive satellite dish.

So the kids are all going to train in those green bits, and in the top left of the picture is where the first team actually play. The circular bit in the middle is where they keep some of their money for buying other players when the English ones turn out to be overrated, and also contains a vat to host the empty dreams of the children's lives they ruined by dragging them to Manchester to then be released with no qualifications at the age of 17. It also serves as an educational facility so that the children can do some studying, but mostly so that Micah Richards can learn to read and write properly.

Vieira correctly points out that England have produced nowhere near enough world beating players for the fame of their football league and hopes that this facility will change all of that, and if it doesn't they can just torture the under achievers in the 14 acre dungeon that runs below the ground, next to the Manchester City space exploration lab. I honestly half expect Thunderbird 1 to fly out of that building in the middle.

Arsenal chief executive Ivan Gazidis is not a villain from a Die Hard movie and he also isn't going to fire Arsene Wenger. Hooray!

We pre-empted the transfers of Fabregas and Bendtner with this 'hilarious' video only months ago. What we didn't see coming was that Arsenal would fall apart at the seems the minute that anyone tried to attack them. Blackburn?! Wenger's philosophy at the moment seems to be 'keep doing the same thing over and over again and eventually it will definitely work' and he doesn't seem to have realised that it isn't the year 2000 anymore and Thierry Henry lives in America. If someone broke into his office this week and found that it looked like the shed in 'A Beautiful Mind' I really don't think anyone would be surprised.

Monday, 19 September 2011

Since The Venky's Group bought Blackburn pretty much everything has gone tits up. They fired their manager and replaced him with an even worse one, sold their good players, failed to buy anyone good to replace them and then made an advert showing them eat chicken which has helped the club lose any respect it may once have had. THEY WANT TO KNOW WHY!!!!

from Mirror football (they used our Hargreaves video so it's fine)

According to the Mirror, a select group of fans have been invited to India to discuss which decisions have resulted in the club's recent decline. I'd like to save a lot of time and money and suggest that they read the above paragraph. It's really not very hard. The fans that are invited are people who are long standing supporters and people who write lots of things on the internet, so expect 80 year old pensioners and 14 year old trolls to arrive in India, look confused, get food poisoning and wished they'd never been.

Or, they could just read the above paragraph and sell the club to someone who has any idea of what football is, rather than trying to sell chicken through David Dunn's image. For those of you who don't know, I'm talking about this:

One of Chelsea's youth players had the misfortune to drive into Frank Lampard's car, causing £15,000 of damage. Because he lives in a cartoon, Lampard decided to make the youngster do a series of forfeits rather than pay.

So what depraved acts of slavery did evil Frank make the boy do? Did he have to stick a series of objects inside himself? Did he put him in a box with a giant wasp in a deadly fight to the death?! Did he have to skateboard over the biggest gorge in the world, blindfolded?!!!! Or did he make him sing a Chelsea chant infront of senior players and then do a couple of laps of the training pitch? Yeh, he did the boring one. Then he ate some more pies because he is fat and impossibly nice. I can't dislike Frank Lampard because he's cool. So if you want to meet Didier Drogba, Peter Cech and Frank himself, just try and purposefully ram his Aston Martin off the road - he loves the madness!

Luka Modric cried all summer long as he was denied a move to Chelsea. Now because he hit an awesome goal against Liverpool and just so he stays happy a bit longer, Mr Redknapp wants to give him more coinage.

After his side's 4-0 raping of nine-man Liverpool, Redknapp was asked of the Modric situation, to which he replied:

"I think the chairman will discuss his contract.

"If he is worth £40million then life tells you that you have to be paid accordingly doesn't it?"

Redknapp added: "You can't say he is worth £40million and want to pay him the wages of someone who is worth £5million."

I don't know how anyone can expect to get by with wages of about £30,000 a week. It's just ridiculous. To buy a mansion anywhere in central London will cost quite a lot and you can't expect people to scrape buy and merely own penthouse apartments, having their shopping delivered by specially trained owls from Marks & Spencers. If he's worth £40 million then I assume that means he should be on about £100,000 a week which definitely sounds fair for someone who plays his favourite game as his job. I mean doctors get paid like £300,000 a week so they should really be in line with that, because football is very important. They have to buy milk and bread, you know? And that stuff costs at least, I dunno, £20 each? That sounds about right for milk.

Fernando Torres played quite well against Manchester United yesterday and then he did this:

I have to admit that I literally laughed out loud because it was really funny, and you can visibly see Torres' world crumble around him as he screams desperately into the sky and then collapses to the ground to cry. Manager Andre Villas-Boas says that it is not fair to dismiss Torres as utterly shit now because he made some nice runs and he also scored a goal, bringing his tally for the season so far to one goal. Comparing the striker to Rooney's penalty miss he said:

"You have to be fair. We have seen two of the world's best strikers miss crazy opportunities, Fernando with his miss and Wayne Rooney with his penalty. This is nothing dramatic but sometimes it becomes something."

I thought we'd all agreed that Torres is definitely not one of the best players in the world anymore? Rooney has scored about nine goals this season already, Torres hasn't scored that many in almost two years. It's not as if he didn't know he was supposed to be scoring, he's been trying. We invited him to our office for an interview but he didn't show up after knocking himself on the door frame whilst trying to walk straight through it.

Roberto Mancini was flabbergasted yesterday when his team failed to beat Fulham despite spending more money this summer than most people in the world knew existed. The solution? Buy all the players!!!!

"We are lacking at this moment because we lost two midfielders. I don't have players. I can only change the full-backs."

The theory is that by owning all the best players in the world and paying them wages that keep them happy, no other teams will be able to score against them, let alone beat them. A draw against Fulham for a team like Man City is like losing to your girlfriend at FIFA except you are actually trying. Or even worse, losing to your friend who you always beat, but this time you've bet a fiver on the outcome. Mancini did sign Owen Hargreaves this summer but since no-one expects him to play football ever again it's unlikely he'll make a difference. He might as well have signed the robot from Short Circuit for the amount of playing time he'll get.

Everyone in the media is 'out to get' David De Gea, according to his manager, Sir Alex Ferguson.

The media have been posting thoroughly unhelpful articles focusing on the keeper's weaknesses, which is just awful. How dare they! According to these 'idiot' press makers, the Spaniard is unreliable when being challenged to a cross and has let in not one, but two goals that he shouldn't have since joining the club. Ferguson disagrees with all of them and says that the youngster's form has been 'brilliant' since joining, and he did stop Ramires scoring a certain goal yesterday afternoon, so he might be right. De Gea was unavailable for comment because he was eating leaves from the top of the TALLEST TREE IN THE WORLD. He looks like the missing link between nerds and giraffes

Sunday, 18 September 2011

On friday the Daily Record ran a story inciting other Rangers minions to remember their 'hatred' of Neil Lennon. Now they aren't allowed to report at Celtic anymore.

I can understand the paper's dilemma because it is very hard to write anything about the old firm without wanting to either harm yourself, or Neil Lennon I suppose, or most of the Rangers team. The thing is that we don't publish a newspaper to several tens of thousands, and even more importantly, the people that read the daily record barely even know what the internet is, let alone what it does, so there's no chance of us inciting any hatred between neighbouring supporters of horrible football teams. The BBC says:

A Celtic statement called the story "inflammatory and offensive" while the paper's sports editor Jim Traynor said the piece was not meant to offend.

The article, written by Keith Jackson, also discusses Rangers' ongoing investigation by Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs and reports that "the mere sight of Lennon unites and inflames Rangers' senses more than any other".

The record on the other hand, has some sort of an obligation to its readers to provide accurate journalism, impartial commentary and to spell check its articles, in order to provoke thought and share the news of the day. Instead they want to try and stir up creatures like it's a John Milton poem - to see Rangers fans escape the depths of hell and riot throughout the peaceful villages of Celtic-land will finally quench their blood-thirst.

So because of this their reporters aren't allowed any access to Celtic staff anymore, and to be fair, this won't affect my life at all so I don't care. Go and try and find another football website that references Paradise Lost. When you fail, just remember how awesome we are.

Moyes said he was pleased about the tweet because he likes it when his players show a real passion for the game. What he didn't realise is that the tweet actually concerns Mario Kart 64 and the rainbow road level - he's been playing it since the game came out but still can't do that shortcut at the start where you jump on to the road below. It takes way less time that way.

Nicolas Anelka is set to leave Chelsea at the end of the season according to handsome manager, Andre Villas-Boas.

Asked in a pre-match press conference what the future held for the Frenchman, Villas-Boas told everyone that 'Le Sulk' had asked to leave the club at the end of this season. I have no idea where it is he wants to go so I can only assume that it is the future in order to kill his future great-grandson to stop the creation of the robot army that will enslave us all. Or so that he can have a flying car, because as we all know, that's when humans officially complete life.

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Darren Bent has shared his secrets to a long lasting playing career which is being banged by loads of dudes, or as he likes to call it, yoga.

Based on his hero, Dhalsim, Bent practises every night, even going so far as to paint walls in different rooms of his house as Street Fighter 2 backgrounds. Although obviously I've just made that up, imagine how cool that would be? Or make it like a Sonic the Hedgehog background?! Darren might not have thought of these things because he just does yoga to prolong his playing career. Also, because in this article he uses the word 'jip' he wins infinite FitbaThatba points and that's more important than anything.