It’s about time someone combined the genius of walking sticks with the ingenuity of cattle prods to create a handy device for shocking oblivious young people who are stomping around leashed to their mp3 players and knocking down old people like god damned bowling pins.

Large Print Traffic Signs

I do a lot of driving and its damned frustrating when I can’t make out whether a sign says “one way”, “freeway” or “pedestrian crosswalk.” If it weren’t for giant red octagons I wouldn’t have a clue when I’m supposed to hit the brakes.

If you expect me to merge, exit or watch for children make signs big enough that a man can read the damned things.

Raising the Minimum Age of Doctors

Doctors are supposed to be sage old men with white hair, pot bellies and a black bag packed full of pills. The last Doctor I saw was about to give me a prostrate exam but the damned street lights came on and he had to go home.

It’s ridiculous. If someone is going to manhandling my nether regions I’d at least like them to be shaving regularly and have seen a woman naked outside of the confines of their examining room.

A GOP Debate that is Watchable

…and does more than just confirm their collective belief that there’s no such thing as evolution.

Scrapping the Food and Drug Administration

It’s time to toss health regulations out the window and let eating be the literal and figurative crap shoot God intended it to be.

Not only would it save money but it’s a good first step in slimming down damned young people too. After all, folks tend to be more cautious in their food consumption if there is a 30 per cent chance that what you’re eating contains enough Salmonella to kill an African Bush Elephant. And there is nothing like a good case of the collywobbles to help people develop a healthy respect for food and to encourage them to leave a little something other than just tongue marks on their dinner plate.

Methuselah World

I’m sick of amusement parks pandering to children and believe the time is ripe for old folks to get their due. Forget the damned rolly-coasters, deep-fried turkey legs and overpriced gift shops, let’s set up a nice park full of slow moving trains, shaded benches, Betty Boop mascots and decent diversions like whack-a-teen, taffy pulling and bumper walkers.

Limits to Personal Freedom

In my day, freedom of speech was a figure of speech, not an open invitation to flash-mobbing, wiki-leaking, unruly occupying or anti-social nose-thumbing.

People need to stop hiding behind the skirt of civil liberties and read between the damned lines. Freedom of assembly was meant to protect the rights of groups like the Freemasons, the Elks Lodge and the Independent Order of Odd Fellows, not the South Dakota Chapter of Anarchy International.

Advances in Artificial Intelligence

Only because the real thing is in such woefully short supply.

Coming Next…An old Man’s Hopes for 2012.

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Push Don Around:

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An FDA ban…YES! Back to old ways please!!! Raw milk and salmonella woot!
No seriously, we have so many fears with our food these days, pretty soon I suspect we will all be given our choice of the “Food Substitute of the Week”. I imagine it would be comprised of recycled materials found in the Garbage dumps because there will be no room left on this planet to actually grow food.

I think that time may have already arrived. It seems to me that every damned thing I see in the grocery store has been assembled in a factory somewhere with ingredients that all have a minimum of 13 syllables in their names.

I’ve never concerned myself too much with nonsense like best before dates, evidence of mold or refrigeration. If you want to build a strong constitution, you need to throw it the occasional curve ball.

As long as I don’t have to occupy the tea party the ladies at the seniors center hold every Christmas, I’ll be fine. They tend to get a little grabby after their Sherry chasers. Last year I lost 2 buttons on my favorite cardigan.

I’d like to think “whack-a-teen” is a parental responsibility but I see no reason why we seniors should be denied a little amusement as well. Besides, it’s an important feature of Methuselah World, the Angriest Place on Earth.

I’m a firm believer that behavior modification works better with electricity than it does with positive reinforcement. It’s quicker too and requires considerable less effort.

I’d exercise some caution with that “young hot gentlemen’ doctor of yours. I prefer my professional service people to be homely as hell – that way you know they got through school on their merit and didn’t just slide by based on their looks. My old Doctor had a face like a torn overshoe but he knew a suspicious mole when he saw one.

Thank you again Don,
for continuing with a common sense approach to the damned young.

I really like the idea of an iProd, but isn’t 50,000 volts just a wee bit namby-pamby? 100,000 is a much nicer, rounder number.

An optional extra of a pepper spray dispenser would be nice, as would a molybdenum grease dispenser used to dissuade the damned skate boarders with their damned exposed boxers. I don’t of course mean using the grease on their damned exposed boxers,but a little spread carefully on logical “grind” points would lead to a very satisfying increase in the number of smashed clavicles, ripped extensors and crippled knees.

Excellent suggestions as always. I see no reason why some pepper spray and grease couldn’t be added. If they can find a way for people to watch television on their phones, I’m sure some bright spark out there can find a way to modify a man’s walking stick so that can temporarily blind young people.

Since we’re building on this idea, I might also suggest some manner of air-horn attachment for waking up young people slumbering on the bus and taking up 3 damned seats. A pants hitch for lifting their droopy slacks might come in handy too. And what the Hell, I’ve always fancied the idea of firing a poison dart or two – let’s toss that into the mix as well.

I’ll start work on the sketches. With any luck, we can have a prototype ready for New Year’s Eve.

I’ll be your first investor, Don – get that design ready and we’ll peddle the prototypes on kickstarter.com. You’ll be able to get real, hard, physical data on the efficacy of the Iprod from your investors!

(Sorry Don, I don’t mean to poach on your blog, but I thought, as being a gentleman of the old school, I should reply)

Mystercoach: Thank you. I’ve always tried to follow the precepts of:

More is better
There’s no such thing as too much force
A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head
There is no ‘overkill.’ There is only ‘open fire’ and ‘I need to reload’

(Thanks to Howard Tayler for the last two. See The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries)

My settings are screwed up. My comments aren’t appearing. I have a headache. I’m tired. I have to go to a Chanukah dinner. I would rather sit in a plaid wingback chair and receive well-deserved accolades.

Excellent wish list. FDA would rather you eat non-food that will erode your insides and kill you slowly so that you will be forced to pay into the wallets of their evil triplet: The Big Pharma and the medical industry.

I’m decaying the right way – from the outside in. Despite that, I think I’m putting about half of Big Pharma’s damned kids through college. The least they could do is give me some sort of frequent flyer points or loyalty card.

My niece is currently grounded because she just tried to pierce her own ear. Damn kid probably wanted to thread her ear buds through them so they never had to leave her head. When I was young if we wanted music while walking around we had to hire a doo-wop street corner band to follow us around. It was good for the damn economy.

Damn right it was good for the economy. By the way, if you’re interested, I believe Dion and the Belmonts are still available and working pretty cheap these days. For $20 they’ll come to your house, sing Teen Angel, make you lunch and also clean your eaves.

I was listening to NPR today and there is now such AI that computers can design products without the assistance of humans. They are also experimenting with having them write books. I don’t think they do satire yet. ;^)

Machines writing books? Interesting. Although it shouldn’t be too hard. If they’re hoping to reach the younger audience they just need to toss together a bunch of misspelled words, winky faces and random abbreviations.

Brace yourself, sir, and grab that bottle of rye. Welcome to the brave new world of tomorrow today. Computers are replacing people.

Chat-bots are computer programs that post bogus user comments, usually to attract readers to ads. (I think I’ve seen a couple here, sir) They’ve become so sophisticated, they can now engage in “conversation”, even with each other. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnzlbyTZsQY
As you can see, chat-bots, are already considerably more coherent than today’s youth are.
Sad as it is, as sure as I’m typing this, this is what “human communication” will be like in about 5 years. http://www.existor.com/

Well done, Mr. Don. There would be more respect and wisdom in the world if there were more natural consequences instead of protective entities. No wonder we’ve all grown mooshy. Thank you as always for your practical suggestions. Somebody’s gotta make ’em think, when all common sense has flown (or been driven by fools) out the windows of the world.

I’m all about natural consequences. If you want to stick your damned tongue in an electrical socket why should I stop you. You’ll find out soon enough that it’s not the world’s brightest idea and learn something from the experience too.

As long as you say “Don’t do that kid. It’s dangerous.” first, I consider it good parenting.

You give the warning. They make the stupid choice and suffer the consequences. They probably won’t do it again and they’ll learn that you know better than them. Either that, or they get naturally selected out of the gene pool.

I appreciate the tip but I really have no interest in sharing anything more with young people. They’re already allowed in libraries, public parks and have pretty much taken over the damned sidewalks. Methuselah World (or Fogeyland or Seniorworld) is long overdue. Once we have that sorted out we can start talking about Senior-only states.

I conceive it as a gentle ride with a few (soft) bumps and changes of pace. You and an anamatron Andy Rooney sit at a desk with an old typewriter & various knick-knacks and coast through some tableaux while actual recordings of Mr Rooney complaining about something in them is played.

For example, coasting through a baseball game mock-up while the tape of Andy complaining about worthless young people like Barry Bonds juicing up and breaking records of much worthier players like Babe Ruth and getting away with it, even after being caught.

I hope you have a patent on that I-prod otherwise someone will beat you to it! These are all such great ideas Mr. Mills. I especially like the large type for traffic signs! Anything to keep the elderly from killing people is a good thing!
Hahaha!
I am hoping for a crabby old fart “bah humbug” post. Will there be one this year?

I haven’t really decided on a bah humbug post or not. I guess it will depend on the number of affronts that cross my path this week. So far, there’s been a noticeable lack of caroling, snow, festive cheer and inane family newsletters so I’m actually feeling quite good.

I’m all for that too. Provided, of course, that they don’t fall into the wrong hands. All we need are a bunch of half-assed urban Pirates of the Caribbean running around using old folks as pin cushions.

I SO want an Iprod! However, not for the children. I have it in mind for others that I know who grew up and have no clue. When you and the fella up there in the list who made the comment about plans and making them? Let me know, I’ll have to come by and test those puppies out.

I’m not sure when TSB and I might manage to get to the construction stage. I suspect we have a few more enhancements we’d like to include. As soon as it’s ready for testing, though, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Reblogged this on nol2me and commented:
This article is great. Sat for a good while considering the things I’d like to add to the list; raising the driving age, common sense tests to be able to freely participate in society, required manners classes in school….

Dear Sir,
I would love an Iprod. In fact, they should be mandatory in every classroom — every teacher needs one!
I hope you get everything in those orthopedic stockings of yours this year, Don!
Best,
Sorcia

The reason for the meddling of food is simple: If people start eating food that isn’t enhanced, then they will need fewer drugs that the government needs tax money from, but can’t get if they aren’t making money.

I’m always skeptical of conspiracy theories that involve government. Frankly, my experience would suggest that it lacks the coordination, vision and cunning to pull off anything more complicated than half-assed social policy, ineffectual economic policy and watered down compromise.

Sure, government will do lots of things that are morally questionable and a great many things that are stupid but I’ve always felt it lacks the smarts and simply isn’t nimble enough to do something silently sinister on a truly grand scale.

I suspect I’m biased – and I may well be wrong but that’s always been my sense.

Hopefully they’ll be a resurgence in 2012. But I wouldn’t count on it.

My idiot neighbor’s moron son is the perfect example of what’s wrong. He can buy and sell drug paraphernalia on his cell phone quite adeptly and steal wireless signals like a damned super sleuth but hand him a ball peen hammer and he won’t know which end is up. Unless he happens to own the ball peen hammer app.

All the practical, useful skills and knowledge we used to take for granted have disappeared entirely.

Always good to hear from you happygirl. And all the best for the coming year.

Just FYI, South Dakota doesn’t have a chapter of Anarchists International. They couldn’t find anybody willing to start a branch there, because it gets too cold. All their members prefer to winter at mummy and daddums place in Palm Beach.

I would like to offer my services as a product tester for the long-overdue Iprod. I spend an unfortunate amount of time each day on public transportation–I believe I could give an Iprod a good workout.

It’s bad enough getting tossed around like a rag doll by drivers who seem to think that the easiest way to encourage everyone to the back of the bus is to rocket from 0 to 120 in 3 seconds flat without having to fight past moronic young people standing in front of the rear exit with their eyes glued to a screen and headphones on while singing some idiotic love ballad under their breath…

I’m all for emphatic arrows if they help to improve road safety. Another idea might be to consider preliminary (or warm up) signs.

We might want to think about using a red pentagon that say “Stop sign ahead”, a heptagon that say “Get yourself ready to Start Stopping”, a hexagon that reads “Almost there, time to think about Stopping for Sure,” a decagon that say “Start Braking Now” and perhaps even a octadecagon which could occur after the intersection that says ‘You Missed it. Next time read the damned signs.”

Industrial Air Horn;
For those frustrating occasions when old people happen to find their way in front of you then stop for no apparent reason, or move with the pace of a Special Olympics hurdler. The original intention was to simply scare the Hell out of old people and make the keel over like that cow tipping scene in Cars. This would create a nice clear path between you and your destination. However it seems some of these old folks are tougher than we originally assumed. In this case it creates a wonderful diversion that creates a clear path to maneuver around them. Simply saying “Excuse me ma’am/sir” has been found completely ineffective for two reasons: they can’t hear worth a damn, and the sheer number of prunes makes that entirely impractical.

Federal Regulation limiting elderly driving privileges:
In my local community there has been a recent (probably long ongoing) epidemic of old people driving into buildings. One elderly women actually severed a gas line outside of a local bank (why there was a protruding gas line outside a bank in unexplainable, but still). Another elderly driver drove through the front of a local bakery and killed three individuals enjoying their late afternoon latte. From my research, my community is not the only one with this problem, it is an international epidemic. This creates a substantial and realistic danger to our communities. Old people driving through the front of buildings and getting off scott free simply saying “I thought the brake was the gas.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for old people driving into brick walls, but when you start to put other peoples well being into harms way, something needs to be done. Not to mention, this is only one small part of the overall danger elderly drivers present.

Old People Free Medical Facilities:
No, not facilities that provide free medical care to the elderly, facilities that are free of old people. Every time I go to get tested, receive an anti-biotic for my last casual encounter, or need to re-up my oxy, Vicoden or Valium supply, I’m always sitting in a waiting rooms for at least 15-30 minutes. Then again, another 15-30 minutes in the exam room. Then, I find out the only reason the doctor is taking so long is because the huge number of old people clogging up the health care system. I propose we create efficiency physician offices, limited to only those aged 55 and younger. Also, no damn babies. So physicians that only see patients aged 10-55, sounds good. That way I don’t have sit in a waiting roomed being stared down by a hoard of old people judging me with their self inflated super egos. Plus I would be out of there in time for….well lets face it, I have nothing important to do in the afternoon.

A GOP Debate that is Watchable:
…and does more than just confirm their collective belief that there’s no such thing as evolution.

Affordable Child/Senior Care:
The price of child/senior care is through the roof right now. And theres no options either. I can either choose the Royal Crown Plaza for Tots or Delores at the Stoned Valley Trailer Park. I am 100% serious when I say I pay around $200 a week for daycare, and thats one of the cheaper places in town. For what? My son is pre pre-school age, theres no need for massive gymnasiums, Zumba classes, Olympic sized swimming pools and private chef catered lunches. All I need is someone to make sure my kid doesn’t die in the few hours during the day I am at work. Basically just a room with a crib, an adult, some mac n cheese with milk, diapers and some toys if he behaves well. Same thing goes for senior care.

Federal regulation restricting spousal inquiries regarding appearance:
It’s an age old dilemma all married men face; the dreaded “how do I look?” This one simple question has many forms such as the famous “does this make me look fat”, “does she look better in that than me”, “what do you think” etc. This one simple question has also been the end to countless relationships, including long lasting marriages. That is because there is no correct answer for a husband to respond. Honesty be damned, a positive response is met with skepticism, a negative answer is met with anything from anger to depression. In either case, the husband always comes out on bottom. If the government has any interest in preserving the sanctity of marriage and reversing this divorce trend we have, they should completely and outright ban this question. Some might say this is impractical. But I argue, when I interview someone for a job there a 783 page booklet of questions I am not legally allowed to ask such as age, religion, political affiliation, sexual orientation and generally any other question that would make a meaningful impact of whether or not I hire them. So why is it not possible to regulate this one simple question?

A comprehensive list. Naturally, however, I am compelled to respond to a few of the more questionable statements made.

“Industrial Air Horn”

The problem here isn’t about how to get past old people, it’s how impatient young people are. It seems to me that if they don’t have access to whatever the hell it is they want the moment they want it they have a damned fit. Deny some young person 30 seconds of wifi access and you can actually see him begin to go into withdrawal and start melting down. It’s disturbing as hell.

I find the impatience odd – especially since as far as I can see young people don’t have anywhere to rush to beyond their parent’s couch, their cannabis supplier or the Gap.

“Federal Regulation limiting elderly driving privileges”

My feeling is that if you’re sitting in a café sipping lattes in the middle of the day you’re damned well asking for trouble. People should be working in the middle of the day, not lollygagging in glorified opium dens filling themselves full of overpriced designer coffee.

As for driving into buildings, that’s unfortunate but people are placing them too close to the road in the first place. And I blame “Drive Thrus” too. It’s confusing. Half the time I’m never sure if I’m supposed to drive through the bank or park in front of it. Some large print traffic signage may assist.

The bigger issue, of course, is that young people are far more of a menace on the road then old people. It wasn’t a near-sighted granny that dinged my LeSabre outside of the grocery store last week – it was some text-sending, music-blaring, multi-tasking young person who was too busy doodlejumping to take the time to check his rearview mirror.

“Old People Free Medical Facilities”

Since the flip-side of this would be old-people only medical facilities I think I’m in agreement. Personally, I don’t want to be sharing a waiting room with some damned young person who’s overdosed on cannibas, needs his genital warts frozen or who has a sex toy lodged in his nether regions any more than he wants to be sharing one with me.

“Affordable Child/Senior Care”

I’ve never understood why the hell people have children if they want to institutionalize them the moment they pop out of the birth canal. If more people stopped “needing” 3 cars, 8 computers and 6 vacations annually perhaps they’d have the financial flexibility to raise their children themselves.

Still, I agree that if they must lock the sprogs up there’s no need for facilities that include pre-school spa programming. All you really need are a few wooden blocks, some dried fruit, a bowl of water and someone to change the nappies on a semi-regular basis.

I’m only 46 and my doctors are younger than I am. It’s discombobulating to have an apparent 12 year old tell you to lay off the fried chicken. I am passing on the idea for the iprod to my father, as he is a tinkerer and a retired veterinarian. I am safe in saying he would deeply approve of the concept.

Elizabeth, a date with me on Christmas is on so many wish lists, I’d have to move almost as fast as Santa does delivering his packages. Hell, your neighbour who has cameras pointed into your daughters’ windows told me he saw one of them put it on her wish list too. For obvious reasons, I don’t particularly trust this guy. However, if true, it would get two names off my list and that would raise your house higher on this years roster. 😉

I so want an iProd for Christmas. If there’s a website that can deliver in time for Christmas, I’m going to ask my son to get me one. It will come in real handy as the grandkids get older and bigger and I get feebler.

IProds Sir, I’m investigating the possibility of buying an electric car and customizing it to shoot tazers, essentially turning it into a giant IProd on wheels. If an electric car has the juice to cruise around town, I figure it probably has the juice to shock some sense into a young person.

A GOP debate that’s watchable You might as well be asking for a Congress that operates with the well being of its citizens in mind, or for China to forgive the US national debt.

Large Print Traffic Signs I like the idea. But I’d prefer to equip traffic signs with radar/motion activated machine guns that fire at road sign violators. Speeding near a senior centre? Rolling stop in a nursing home parking lot? Pow! Pow! Pow! Everyone’s driving will improve immeasurably within days.

The FDA Didn’t the FDA essentially scrap itself a decade or two ago? These days, if you can put it in your mouth and not die within 30 seconds, the FDA will declare it perfectly safe. Only the FDA logo and it’s lucrative employment remains.

Limits To Personal Freedom Mr Mills, are you trying to earn yourself a sunny vacation in Guantanamo Bay? These days, just talking about personal freedoms can get you a cell in Gitmo.

Hi Don! I can’t believe I am so late to your crabby rants! I could not agree with you more on every single thing. And as a side note I would like to share that I own not one, but two editions of the Murder She Wrote board game. HUGE Angela Lansbury fan. HUGE! I can’t wait to read all your resolutions for 2012, before end of days, thank God. Enough already, am I right? This Earth has gone to crap. Mostly just the people. and some of the animals.

Ha Ha Hee Hee! Laff – I thought I’d never start ! Joking, of course, couldn’t resist that old joke. It’s nearly as old as you Don! You really did make me laugh which, if I do that with no one nearby, will make some people (under 65) think I’m ready to be carried off. I agree with almost everything you have observed. You do sound and look like a crabby old git but I;m sure that is the affect you wanted to achieve. Happy Christmas, Don Boy!