Mocha Diaries: Why do I self-sabotage? : Binge-eating

Self-sabotage works in many ways and takes many forms. I found out that by digging deeper laziness was a prime player in my self-sabotaging. But now it is time to address its partner in crime: binge-eating.

Binge eating not only has the connotation of being an eating disorder, but it also is one of my only mechanisms for coping with emotions.

Why binge-eating?

Binge-eating became my coping mechanism of choice because of my association with other self-destructive patterns. I did not want to get sucked into the world of alcoholism or drug addiction. I’m not a gambler nor an extreme spender. I thought food was a safe choice, but really it constitutes as abusing a substance that is just deadly in other ways if you don’t keep it in check. Luckily, for me it has never lead to massive gain, however, in the past and recently I have been known to put on 20 lbs in the span of 2 months or less, and then it will take me almost a year to lose that added weight again. Normally that weight gain is a byproduct of a more than normal amount of binge-eating when my emotions are going haywire and I am trying to forget them.

Binge-eating is best friends with laziness. Some people might view binge-eating as a lot of work, because you keep eating and eating. But in reality, it isn’t very hard to binge eat. You sit on your ass and eat the nearest food to you until you literally can’t eat anymore. I rarely binge on cooked healthy meals, I may binge on baked goods I’ve made or junk food I have bought from the store, but never a healthy meal. Because my binge is always almost filled with junk food I can sit on my ass, watch TV and mindlessly chomp away.

Binges to me are a way to deal with my emotions. Sometimes I get too anxious when my mind is racing with various thoughts and the only thing I want to do is calm myself down. I want to avoid trying to sleep, or talking with others as it will bring the emotions to the forefront and I am not ready to deal with them. So the best solution at the moment is to distract myself and so I grab something to eat. While I’m eating the emotions slowly become numb and my anxiousness slowly subsides to something that is manageable for me. The worst part about a binge is that it never actually makes me feel better.

Rather it fuels a cycle of self-loathing for indulging in the binge. Binges are very hard to control as my mind is completely blank while it is happening and at the end of it I am so surprised by how much I have consumed in one sitting I am disgusted with myself. Self-sabotage attempt successful.

I wonder over and over why do I choose to stuff myself with food ?

The best way to describe a binge as I experience it would be a state of numbness. It’s a moment where my mind is quiet and my emotional storm is quelled and I can just be numb to whats going on in my head. I think nonstop all the time and it is hard when you are on sensory overload 24/7 to actually just breathe and let things roll. I cling to every action and word that I encounter and thus I ruminate over it until I feel like I can’t breathe. Stuffing food into my mouth while watching TV allows my mind to wander while watching something and my mouth to be stuffed so there are less chances of me crying or getting super emotional. It might seem odd, but I don’t actually binge in silence. It is always while I am watching something to trick my mind into shutting down for a bit.

If you have ever drank a hot beverage before you will notice that your body heats up from it and it brings a sense of warmth and calmness to you. (Maybe this is just me.) When we are eating food our body is breaking it down and processing it so that it warms our bodies up a bit. To me eating feels like a hug from the inside. I don’t have to go out of my way to ask someone for a hug. I don’t have to be seen as a super emotional person. I don’t need to sound like a broken record over and over with the same problems. If I’m really at a breaking point I know somehow that that binge will offer me some relief that I seek without relying on others.

Many people believe that binges are a form of control in your life as you can control how much you are eating. A binge is a sign of utter chaos in the mind and it shows that the individual has no control what so ever. The only control offered by a binge is that it closes me off from my emotions. It doesn’t keep my emotions in check, but instead it stuffs them down deeper as I am stuffing food down my throat. Binge-eating keeps me from digging deeper and resolving things out of fear of what I might be facing.

So the binge is my protector. It keeps the flood gates sealed and adds layers to me. Slowly I am expanding physically and mentally thanks to these binges. The expansion helps to reinforce my negative thinking and it buries the issues I need to deal with so that I can stay in this state that I know so well, without diving into the unknown. I have created so many mental layers to myself that it is hard to pinpoint the true reasons why I have such a hard time living in the present and being happy. These binges have made my journey through the 7 layers of hell inside of me longer and more arduous.

Sometimes I think the mental layers are worse than the physical ones. Other days I think the physical ones are worse than the mental ones. As a way to deal with negative thinking, especially from the outside, the extra layers of expansion on my body are my way of protecting myself from the outside world. It is like my own set of armor. I feel like this just adds to things rather than helping them.

“It’s better to be thick-skinned mentally than becoming thick-skinned physically.”

Adding all of this weight to myself just makes me conclude that I am what I believe I am and all those negative statements over the years are true. Why do I keep choosing binge-eating as a form of self-sabotage?

Because it’s the easiest and laziest way to cope. The problem with this laziness is that I am choosing to hide it. I don’t overeat with others. Most of the time I eat the same or maybe just a bit more (many people I know eat like birds). If I binge it is always at home when I am alone. I’ll be watching TV numbing my body and mind at the same time. Binge-eating shouldn’t be a secret, but that is why it is a type of disordered eating. The fact that I am a binge-eater shows how much I want to keep my self-sabotaging ways a secret from others. I feel I will be judged more than I already am at the moment and I see it as a sign of weakness.

I want to be someone who isn’t crippled by the food they eat. Or a slave to the secret floors of binge-eating for the rest of her life. So here I am stating it on the internet: I am a binge-eater. I don’t binge-eat everyday. Lately, it has been two to three times a week, which is more than it should be. It makes me angry that I have no control over it and until I decided to look deeper at it I didn’t realize that maybe I can tackle this problem by the horns.

Binge-eating is a mind numbing phenomenon that literally has not helped me in any way, shape, or form. It has completely destroyed my eating happens to the point that I do not register hunger and fullness, I always expect dessert, and there are foods I literally cannot be around unless I plan to devour the entire package in one sitting when I’m feeling emotional or stressed. Basically the more out of control the binge-eating gets the worse my food addiction becomes and the harder it is to stay on track when I’m trying my best. I’m done feeling numb, disgusted, bloated and tired after a binge. I am done submitting to laziness after having a binge.

Today I have decided to look my enemy in the face: binge-eating, you and I, need to sever our ties. I know you, I have shared you, you are no longer a secret to the world, and that alone will give me enough power to resist you to the best of my abilities. I will put a name on you. I will call you out for what you are and how little you do for me. I’m tired of your twisted suppressing ways and no matter how uncomfortable I will be going forward I will not turn to you for comfort. I am stronger than that. I am better than that. Today I will conquer you and tomorrow I will conquer your friend, Laziness.