no and No

Sometimes I fantasize about being a brat. I want to stomp and scream and say, “no!” as loud as I can.

I also fantasize about Master taking me forcefully when I’m acting like this (pulling me by my hair, grabbing my neck or otherwise giving me some physical jolt to complement His powerful presence). He hears my no but does not take it for an answer.

I don’t imagine acting this way all the time. It’s more that I want the experience of it. I want to feel His No overpowering my own.

I often swallow saying the word no…and not just with Master. I have a hard time saying it in all areas of my life. Psychological explanations abound but this reluctance to say no often seems mixed up and at odds with my instinct to serve.

I know Master doesn’t like the word no. It’s not that I’ve never said it to Him, but I’ve come to believe it is an off-limit word, and I just don’t let myself go there.

If I feel a “no” welling up (not necessarily the word…but the general feeling), I first clam up and – if the energy is strong enough – I might start crying (although I try harder than usual to hold it in).

So, instead of saying no, I pull inside and brood while complying on the outside.

When a no just can’t be held in and it bursts out, it always seems to be more powerful than I intended. I find myself apologizing for coming off so strong and crawl back inside.

I fantasize about letting go of worry and to stop trying to manage these feelings from the inside anymore. But as much as I want to have the freedom to let go, I also want to feel His presence over me telling me to “Stop it!” or just plain “No.”