This is it, darlings! The birth of the most important baby in the history of human reproduction! But first, melodrama (and lots of discussion of Rachel’s vagina):

Mandana and Joey are in the offices of Zoe Worldwide, Inc., when she tells him about the fate of Jeremiah. Joey acts surprised. “Oh my God, this kid’s, like, a genius,” says Mandana as a way of explaining the firing to a seriously doubtful Joey. Joey says he “totally feels for him,” in a totally insincere way. Then they go on about his dirty fingernails and how he stores paint in his house, which they agree is weird.

Later, Marisa asks Rodger, “Aren’t we super-close to the due date?” as if she somehow just realized that Rachel is pregnant. Also, “super-close?” why does everything need to be so extreme with this crew? Rachel is “super-pregnant” and now she’s “super close” to giving super birth to Superboy. Rodger pleads with the team not to bother her for anything. Joey laughs and smirks and rolls his eyes. “The only thing that’s important is getting baby Berman out,” he tells them, while they all ignore him and text Rachel.

Back at the Rachel cave, Kendall, Marisa and Joey continue to bother Rachel while they pack for her hospital stay like she’s going on a cruise. A cruise with a red carpet. “She needs a clutch if she’s going to take a Balmain jacket,” says Joey with a straight face, adding, in that typically over-the-top Team Zoe way, “Rachel being pregnant has really split my brain down the middle. Does she know that a baby is going to come out of her vagina?” Well, you’ve certainly mentioned it enough times, Joey. “It’s such an unglamorous experience,” muses Rachel, feeling philosophical. “If I’m going to be a mess, I’m going to be a glamorous mess.” “You were the easiest pregnant person I’ve ever met,” gushes Marisa. “I’m actually pushing a human out of my body – and becoming a mother,” Rachel tells the camera, as if these were mutually exclusive experiences. We’re pretty sure pushing a human out of your body is pretty much how you become a mother.

Later, Rachel asks Joey to dress Molly Sims for an art opening in New York, and also to do her hair and makeup. If Jeremiah were still on staff, she’d probably order him to redecorate Molly’s apartment in 2 days’ time. Rachel says Joey can be a bit cocky. TELL US SOMETHING WE CAN’T SEE WITH OUR OWN EYES, RACHEL. “I’m confident that I can do it. ” he tells her.

Rodger visits Neil Lane and they discuss the impending delivery as if Rachel is the Queen of England giving birth to the heir to the throne. Then, they go through Neil Lane’s entire inventory and lovingly display it for the camera. A couple of times, it looks like they’re going to start making out. Rodger breaks the tension by ordering Neil to put it in a box. He’s talking about a ring.

Joey and Mandana consult on his picks for Molly Sims. She trashes them and causes Joey to doubt himself, which has never happened before. Later, in New York, Joey’s identical, but ten years older twin brother Elie comes to the hotel room and also trashes the dresses. Joey tells us that Elie is to him what Joey is to Rachel. A sycophant? “Family always makes you question yourself.” says Joey, sadly. Later, Molly comes over and tries on a bunch of dresses that look totally wrong on her, which makes us think that maybe Elie and Mandana were right. But she picks the Rachel Roy dress (the one most paraded in front of the camera, not coincidentally) and it looks great on her. They airkiss way too many times. Rachel tells us she’s pleased.

At 4 am, Rachel’s water breaks, Rodger shoots a lot of video of her with messy hair, she tells him to knock it the fuck off, and that’s the last we see of Rachel until she’s leaving the hospital.

After ten hours of labor, Marisa and Kendall meet to discuss putting the nursery together. They decide – what a twist! – that Jeremiah should be called and he should take care of it. Come on, who didn’t see that coming? They talked non-stop about how they didn’t want to put the nursery together yet because they’re Jewish. Once Jeremiah was fired, we knew he was going to come back as the Gentile to save them all. So yaddayaddayadda, ohmigod the mattress isn’t delivered yet wait is that the doorbell hurray the mattress is here you’re so wonderful Jeremiah kthanxbai.

At the hospital Rodger reveals that having a baby is nothing like the movies. PLEASE. We’re two queens and even we knew that. Then there’s lots of video of people kissing a newborn baby and even we’re not so bitchy as to make jokes about that. “I’ve never loved anything this much in my life,” says Rachel. Daw.

Oh I watch the silly show just so I have full enjoyment of the recaps.

Also realized last night that Joey and Rachel have nearly identical ways of talking sometimes. Rachel may well be a gay man in a woman’s body. Now wonder the pregnancy thing is so weird for everyone.

http://twitter.com/karenwalsh Karen Walsh

The baby was pretty cute, so that kinda made up for the rest of the nonsense. Kinda. Oh, and if someone who fired me called and wanted me to do some work, my first reaction would be “bite me” and second would be “because I’m clearly indispensable, how much you gonna pay me bitch?”

Anonymous

you have to remember how pissy rachel gets if you dare to have a life after the Rachel Zoe company, though. he really had no choice.

http://www.epilonicast.net/theydontknow Peter White

“Then there’s lots of video of people kissing a newborn baby and even we’re not so bitchy as to make jokes about that. “I’ve never loved anything this much in my life,” says Rachel. Daw.”
Thus the true power of infant cuteness is revealed.

Anonymous

So I guess this means you DIDN’T get to see Rachel shitting all over herself?

Disappointing.

Anonymous

I’m really glad I’m not watching this show but just reading your recaps. I fear I would be throwing things at the TV if I were watching.

Anonymous

I don’t watch the show, but everytime I read your writeups, or see a photo of Rachel & her husband, I wonder about them. It seems like a mysterious pairing.

Anonymous

Right. The husband seems so calm and well adjusted.

Anonymous

I suspect that Rodger is the driving force and brains behind the reality series and really, really enjoys the big fat cash rolling in as a result. I’d be calm and well adjusted too.

Anonymous

Oh boy, if that’s what you think…your screen name is correct, and you REALLY don’t watch the show!

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GFMOZFM3WT3T56EZHVZFK7UXSI Ramon

You never know. Lucille Ball was a genius, but Desi Arnaz really was the driving force behind the show. That is to say, Rodger might very well be playing straight man. I have a feeling Rachel would have offed him if he weren’t useful. And she comes across so obsessed with the job, that she probably needs someone watching the bottom line there.

Anonymous

Right. The husband seems so calm and well adjusted.

Anonymous

As my mom (and a lot of other people) used to say “you never can tell from the outside what’s *really* going on between two people” [in a marriage/long term relationship].

In a good way, & in a bad way. I suspect they are better suited than t.v. will ever show.

Anonymous

This show with Chris Marsh coming right behind it are like a hit of nitrous oxide. No reason to sweat anything ever. I love Chris and his crew and enjoy the total phoniness of Zoe and Co. Not one real moment on that one ever. With the possible exception of get the f**** out of my face mid-Aqua Net en route to the hospital. That pretty much sums it up. To pull a Rachel: Giving birth = there are no words on the sheer pain front. It’s bananas. Obviously Jeremiah is coming back. Obviously there will be some kind of Joey intervention as he seeks to become Rachel and further loses his grip on reality. Cue Joan Crawford.

Also, did I have an early morning hallucination or did y’all post a Mad Fashion segment and then take it down?

http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

I know — I always tell people that every description you’ve ever heard pales in comparison to the actual pain of childbirth.

Anonymous

One of the secret secrets of the giving birth secret thing is that it can take several weeks to get over the horror of the experience to even begin really bonding with your infant. Not that you don’t want to — just that your body won’t let you. I didn’t buy Rachel’s whole I already love you so much thing yesterday mainly because I was remembering my own experience and was super-imposing it. I’m sure she’s madly in love with her baby as is the norm. I know I fell in love with mine but it did take a bit. It’s a wrenching experience and totally totally worth but man oh man oh man — it’s really pretty awful. I had my precious at 39, natural, and got kicked out of the hospital less than 12 hours after giving birth (95). I felt for Rachel. And the baby was so cute. I kind of enjoy Rodger and am happy for him.

http://profiles.google.com/misslauraschultz Laura Schultz

I’ve never had a baby but from what I’ve heard from good friends, it’s WAY worse than what people say, which is pretty scary considering how awful people say it is….

http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

There aren’t words… and I talk constantly, so if I can’t find the words, you know it’s bad!

Anonymous

It’s way individual – I had fast labors (under 5 hours, one significantly) without pain drugs & while there certainly was pain, if it’d been intolerable I’d have been quick to demand an epidural. I had great nurses & that made all the difference. I was especially fond of the one who rolled her eyes repeatedly at my doctor, a nice guy but prone to hissy fits. Also the one who kept saying “it’s never too late to request the epidural if you need one” – possibly not technically true, but a good thing to hear.

I think long labors must be a real nightmare – once you’re exhausted, pain tolerance is shot and so is any shred of tolerance for most of the human beings surrounding you.

Anonymous

It’s individual. Some women go through hell, some have an easy time, some fall in the middle. I was lucky. And I fell madly, hopelessly, in love the very first second.

http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

Oh, I didn’t have that problem — for one thing, mine were born later so we weren’t released until 48 hours. But I had no bond during pregnancy. My mom used to tell doctors that if they had to choose in an emergency, they were to save us. I went, “hell no, I don’t even know that kid — he might suck!”

Once they were out, though, they went from a concept to a person so I bonded right away.

Labor… ugh. I told my doctor when he was reading me the warnings about epidurals that if he didn’t give me that damn shot soon, I was cutting my own spine in half with a scalpel just to make it stop. Not walking for the rest of my life seemed like a small price to pay to MAKE IT STOP.

http://profiles.google.com/misslauraschultz Laura Schultz

wow…

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GFMOZFM3WT3T56EZHVZFK7UXSI Ramon

As Blanche Deveraux said: “Women should have children the way God intended: Numb from the neck down.”

Anonymous

I think it depends on the mother. I know some who really did connect pretty early. I was okay once I got some sleep. It was two days later, so Rachel could manage a bit of cooing–I think, particularly since I think she had real questions about being able to carry a pregnancy.

emily mcginnis

not everyone has your experience. i had a terrible delivery with my third baby and still had no trouble bonding immediately. granted, i haven’t forgotten how terrible labor and delivery can be. but i still loved my babies more than anything. with the last one, i was OUT right after my c-section. but the minute i woke up, i wanted him with me.

Anonymous

That’s wonderful to hear, truly. And as it should be. I was surprised by my reaction and having had only one child it was my sole experience. Took me by surprise, as I say, because I loved being pregnant and was eager for the baby. Once the maternal thing kicked in, it kicked in with a vengeance though–light of my life. It will be fun to see how Rachel and Rodger react to the changes coming ahead. I do think that giving the woman at least 48 hours in the hospital as is now the case is a huge step forward. And I didn’t mean to suggest that Rachel was faking anything where the baby is concerned. Just brought back memories.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=20301390 Kate Trautschold

It was on my RSS feed with a note saying to delete the pictures or something to that effect…

Anonymous

This show with Chris Marsh coming right behind it are like a hit of nitrous oxide. No reason to sweat anything ever. I love Chris and his crew and enjoy the total phoniness of Zoe and Co. Not one real moment on that one ever. With the possible exception of get the f**** out of my face mid-Aqua Net en route to the hospital. That pretty much sums it up. To pull a Rachel: Giving birth = there are no words on the sheer pain front. It’s bananas. Obviously Jeremiah is coming back. Obviously there will be some kind of Joey intervention as he seeks to become Rachel and further loses his grip on reality. Cue Joan Crawford.

Also, did I have an early morning hallucination or did y’all post a Mad Fashion segment and then take it down?

Anonymous

I never realize how much Rachel and Rodger actually look alike. It kind of blew my mind last night. Also, am I the only one who feels sorry for Jeremiah? He is so desperate to be part of their world.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1344922354 Eric Scheirer Stott

Jeremiah is an idiot, but he’s a relatively restrained Gay (especially compared to Joey) so he comes off kinda like a hurt puppy.

Joseph Davidson

The only reason I can come up with that would explain why Jeremiah is still around is that he signed some kind of contract with the show and is obligated to be there. I’m just not willing to believe that he (or anyone) is that desperate to be on television. Then again, I am inappropriately attracted to him and, therefore, willing to make any excuse.

http://profiles.google.com/misslauraschultz Laura Schultz

I like Jeremiah, I think he’s charming and cute and probably pretty talented, but I’m getting the feeling he might be a bit of a fame whore trying to hold on to his moments of TV fame. The thing is, he is so much more likable than Joey, and even Mandalah or whatever her name is that I just end up liking him and feeling sorry for him. Actually, he’s pretty much more likable than anybody on the show….

Anonymous

Isn’t EVERYBODY who signs on for a reality tv show a fame whore?? I agree with you; he’s cute, not too whiny, and far less objectionable than that butt wipe Joey.

Anonymous

I’m getting the feeling he might be a bit of a fame whore

Indeed. A fame whore who apparently thought he could leverage his appearance on the show into getting RZ Inc to create a new division just for him. I can’t decide if he’s an idiot or just another one of these entitled kids who think everything should be theirs for the asking.

http://twitter.com/susanpcollier Susan Collier

Let me get this straight, in Jewish tradition you cannot put together a nursery before a baby’s birth, but it’s totally OK to base an entire season’s “reality” show plotline on a baby before that baby’s birth.

Anonymous

I know, a little hard to reconcile. As an interior designer for over 25 years with plenty of jewish clients along the way, I have certainly done up a few nurseries well before the birth. I think that, as with all faiths, there are those who adhere to traditions more ardently than others.

Anonymous

It’s not a tradition at all, it’s a superstition — silly, like most, and not generally adhered to.

Anonymous

When Jewish tradition was written down there was no reality TV. That is certainly good news for Rachel as she obviously would not want to stray from her religious beliefs or be offensive in any way. Oy.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1344922354 Eric Scheirer Stott

I think they follow Jewish tradition when it’s convenient

http://profiles.google.com/sara.e.munoz Sara Munoz

My favorite was the Passover episode. I’m not Jewish, but even I could appreciate the look of horror on Rodger’s face when Rachel asked if they should serve challah.

Anonymous

oh my goodness, did that happen? I would die laughing.

http://profiles.google.com/sara.e.munoz Sara Munoz

It really truly did.

Anonymous

I once dated a guy who was Jewish, but not very observant, as evidenced by the fact that we needed to cook a ham. He had a Jewish cookbook and suggested that we look there for a recipe. Seriously.

Anonymous

Maybe they just figured the thing with the baby was more important because they wanted to give it a good start on life.

Anonymous

I don’t think it’s a rule, its just a superstition — that you “jinx” the birth, so to speak.

Anonymous

my sister, who has two children , put it best: It is like Rachel is the first person to have a child. I even found this season almost too annoying to watch. I thought the baby storyline would be fun, but it wasn’t. and Joey looks like a horrible person this season, which he never did before.

Cheri Lee

I think that is because they are letting Joey actually speak this season…bad move on his part, now we all know how vapid he is.

http://profiles.google.com/misslauraschultz Laura Schultz

he reminds me of Josh on Project Runway. Two of a kind.

Anonymous

The fact that Joey has a brother who is exactly like him is even more frightening.

http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

10 hours is a good labor length, though. Enough time for drugs, not so much you try to kill a nurse — unless she’s particularly perky in which case all bets are off:)

Can someone explain to me what the relationship between being Jewish and setting up a nursery is? I don’t get it…

http://twitter.com/susanpcollier Susan Collier

I think the basis of this stems to an older time when pregnancy and delivery were a riskier prospect. You don’t want to expect something that is God’s will to take away.

Andie Flynn

It’s sort of like not wanting to jinx it by preparing beforehand. Which seems completely logical to me. It’s always a little odd to me when I see fully-decorated nurseries and babies named and treated as a real person before birth. What if something goes wrong?

http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

It doesn’t matter if you’ve picked a name or set up the nursery. It’s just as bad with or without it. It’s kind of like I told my brother-in-law about getting married: are you going to feel better if it doesn’t work out just because it wasn’t official? Your feelings are the same either way.

Cheri Lee

Worst episode ever. The events couldn’t have been more staged but if this episode had never aired then I wouldn’t have been able to read this awesome recap and discover my most new favorite word/phrase…kthanxbai!

MilaXX

Look I know this is a fake pimp the designer clothes show. I like looking at fashion porn so I don’t mind, but PUH- Leeze can we stop having to listen to Joey speak? His voice is like chalk on a black board. I can take it in small doses, but this was a pretty Joey centric episode. I think my ears began to bleed towards the end.

Anonymous

I am a little confused about something after last night – I am positive I recall at least one conversation between Rachel and her sister about the details of having a c-section? yet it seems that she went “au natural”, out the vajayjay. Am I remembering this wrong?

http://profiles.google.com/sara.e.munoz Sara Munoz

“Natural” actually means without drugs. But it’s a common mistake. If you mean vaginal birth…. you just say vaginal. AAANYWAY. But to answer your question, I have no idea. Maybe she was asking around, getting opinions?

Anonymous

Vaginal, natural … out the usual circuit without an epidural … in other words, hell on earth

http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

Pregnant women discuss C-section and vaginal birth all the time, even if they are planning on the other option. A pregnant stomach is an invitation for every woman you know to tell you all about her labors and deliveries or how they plan their labor and delivery to be in the future.

Anonymous

I thought the whole thing was, like, maje.

http://twitter.com/yankeefoxtrot Alex McGeagh

Well, I’ve never seen a cute baby so this was nothing new in that department. Joey gets worse by the episode. I feel bad for Jeremiah, because he keeps getting jerked around so badly (even if he is a touch entitled, I have a feeling that’s enhanced for the camera/show…)

Also, I’ve taken to calling Rodger something new and more accurate: Rodger Bieber. In addition, I’m moderately convinced that Rodger Bieber carried and gave birth to this Superchild this whole time, and Rachel just used a soccer ball as a decoy. That is all.

Anonymous

more like a tennis ball!

Anonymous

I can’t even look at Rodger and his hair. WTF? I mean it. I just do not get his hair. Rachel’s hair is a mess sometimes but that’s because it’s colored and she doesn’t trim often enough . . . Alright she desperately needs a damn haircut too.

But Rodger . . . I can’t.

http://twitter.com/keen23 Kara Keenan

Way too much Joey on this show. He’s the most obnoxious person.

Anonymous

We didn’t get a single shot of Rachel getting all sweaty and dishevelled. Why am I not surprised. When she was hairspraying right before they left for the hospital, I was thinking….ponytail, Rachel. You will want that mass of hair out of your sweaty face so that you can scream.

http://www.facebook.com/ehormell Eric Hormell

Ha ha! Great recap! And I actually enjoyed this episode, for a change!

Fun fact: For people not in Los Angeles, the delivery was at Cedars Sinai, which would be their local hospital, near Beverly Hills, which was obvious from the interior shots; but the exterior establishing shots of the hospital were of St. Joseph’s in Burbank! Was there a security concern? She wasn’t at the hospital anymore when the episode aired, so why the need to fool the audience? Weird.

Anonymous

probably they didn’t want any mobs of fans around the hospital during the birth, and they figured that people would see them shooting at saint joe’s and expect the birth to be there.

Anonymous

I hope you’re being facetious. “Mobs of fans” around the hospital????

http://www.facebook.com/ehormell Eric Hormell

Oh, yeah, the fans were camped out at Saint Josephs for months waiting for this birth! I’m pretty sure I saw the three wise men, bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh!

Susan McDougall

I can’t tolerate the show but your recaps are hilarious!

Anonymous

RZ Minions : “We know we fired you but could you come back and work for free all by yourself on this project only you can do?
If if was Me : *Click* Click Tracy. The musical : Click-ed. Click at Nite. Click’s Vapor Rub. Click Jagger. *Dialtone*

Yeah, that would happen if Jeremiah *didn’t* have a Bravo contract to fulfill, doncha think?

Anonymous

I must say that I enjoyed Mandana giving Jeremiah a reality check. “You worked for us for about a minute, our clothing line is going nowhere, and yet you expected us to create an entirely new division just for you?”

Anonymous

The entitled know-nothings on this show make me want to run out and join the Occupy Wall Street protests for the 99%. Such consumption, such obsession over such trivial things. A clutch to the hospital to have a baby?? They are just too absurd. I stopped watching this last year.

Anonymous

You thought the clutch suggestion was bad? Well, how about Rachel wanting to wear that hideous, huge-ass black hat to cover her unruly hair during delivery? Talk about ridic.

margaret meyers

T, Lo? It’s true: they put that baby in your arms and you instantly have a new definition of love. And that baby is covered with this grey cheese and curds stuff, and it’s got a wrinkly old-man’s ass, weird tufts of hair, ET’s neck and a suspicious look in its eyes. Still you love it.

http://www.tomandorenzo.com Tom and Lorenzo

We’re confused. Did we indicate somewhere that we DIDN’T think it was true?

margaret meyers

No argument. I was affirming the simple truth that even a very appearance-oriented woman is going to have her love magnified no matter how squally, grey and wrinkled her newborn is.
I think that my question mark made you think I was arguing with you. Not at all.

Anonymous

I must say, my relationships & indeed my marriage are/were/have been generally no more than semi-traditional at best. And I am mediocre at making a fuss for special occasions.

But I have ALWAYS been disappointed that somehow major jewelry gifts following the birth of my children wasn’t one of the traditions we did embrace. Even if it is a point where one’s financial status shivers as future expenses loom (college tuition! diapers! life insurance!), it just seems to me so much more fitting and needful a time for major jewelry than say, a wedding.

I had to laugh when Roger with a ‘d’ was in Neil Lane buying Rachel the bauble – what? a 10 ct. cushion cut diamond that will, “hopefully, make up for all that she’s had to go through.”

Funny.

I thought that giving birth to a whole and healthy baby was what “makes up for all a mother’s had to go through.” Not a $100,000 diamond ring.

I mean, nice pressie, if you can afford it.

Why do these people have to hug everyone they come into contact with – and tell them, “I love you.” Did Rodger tell Neil Lane he loved him during their hug? I couldn’t hear…I was distracted by the fact that this man was hugging his jeweler as though Lane had done him some sort of favor. Hell, Rodge, babe, Neil ought to be really hugging YOU. You just shelled out the bucks to reward your wife for finally giving you what *you* really want: a family. A child.

http://twitter.com/anacedillo Ana Cedillo

awww the one little moment where you really saw a human quality in rachel (when the baby was born), makes up for alll the melodrama that this show is..that and the sight of all that fashion

Anonymous

I might have given birth to Rodger’s baby for that 10-carat cushion split shank pave ring. Not really, but I sure liked looking at that gorgeous bauble.

And I still find something endearing about Rachel even though I don’t want to and even though I know that whole to-do about styling Molly Sims for a GALLERY OPENING has a carbon footprint the size of Denmark. I don’t understand my attraction for this show, but it’s still there. God help me.

Joan Roseman

I watched this a day late — right after reading the new federal guidelines on safety for newborns. The ONLY thing recommended to put into a baby’s crib is the baby itself. No blankets, no comforters, no toys and NO BUMPERS. Rachel and Rodger can fire Jeremiah all over again.

Also, this episode was indeed a little boring and that realization made me cringe inside. It’s because it featured very little Rachel. Joey doing the styling? B-0-R-I-N-G…expect for his brother/clone who made no bones about his thoughts. Right on, bro. Joey’s cloying and annoying (!) and is only tolerable when Rachel is on screen with him to make the scene doubly nauseating. Yes, I like this show because it makes me sick.

Rachel did not have Bravo filming around her during her labor; but probably because she wasn’t sure how she’d look..remember? Joey WAS NOT IN LA TO STYLE HER FOR HER TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL. What the hell did she wear, anyway?

Tabitha Dotson

Why are they always dressed like it is 40 degrees outside?

http://janeaustensworld.wordpress.com/ Vic

Yadayadayada. Joey is like nails scratching on a chalk board. Jeremiah was fired. There’s no reason to watch this pretentious show.