As predicted by a crisis-management think tank at USC's Annenberg School of Flack Studies in a research paper entitled, So, You're the Recently Fired Star of a Hit Series Picked Up Unconscious with a Serious Selection of Party Drugs: Now What?, CSI-alumnus Gary Dourdan has announced that the stash of heroine, cocaine, ecstasy, and prescription pills found in his car did not, in fact, belong to him:

CSI star Gary Dourdan claims the drugs he was caught with earlier this week didn't belong to him.

Dourdan says he was returning from the Coachella Music Festival, where he got some people into a V.I.P. section. An after-party left him "ragged," he said, so he pulled over to sleep.

"I am blessed that the Sgt. realized that the luggage carrying whatever they found was not mine and that my tests have been coming back negative," Dourdan continued. "I've been happy to cooperate in any way to clear myself and go on with my blessed life."

Dourdan — who is not returning to CSI next season — also apologized to his fans. (He was set to present Taylor Swift with an award at Hollywood Life magazine's 10th Annual Young Hollywood Awards last week, as CSI is one of her favorite shows.)

"I am so sorry to all my fans, especially the young ones, like Taylor Swift, who I should've been supporting with my daughter instead of driving tired in the desert," he said.

"I am planning events to get the word out that you don't need a bunch of nasty chemicals to have a good time," he added. "Just good friends, family, good music and a good honest spirit full of faith."

We're just relieved that Palm Springs law enforcement was flexible enough to accept that the trunk containing an assortment of illicit party favors, dead hookers, Portishead merch, and at least one still-tripping member of Hot Chip must have been placed there by some other Coachella after-party guest, not Dourdan himself. As for young country star Taylor Swift, she has apparently taken the disappointment in stride, eagerly awaiting her Young Hollywood Awards replacement trophy after being explained by an official that the original "is currently in the evidence room at the Palm Desert Sheriff's Dept., being tested for traces of a finely pulverized powder found clinging to its base."