How do you deal with...

So I’ve told a couple co workers I’m close with about our struggles along with a few close friends. I’ve felt like it would be easier to tell them in hopes of not having to here well just get knocked up, when your a mom, when you have kids, etc. I’ve been on this road for a little over 2.5 years and it’s definitely taking its toll on me. Tonight while at dinner one of my cowrkkers/friends says well you don’t have kids. It took all I had to not burst into tears. Again these type of comments are still made all the time. “Oh i have to check the weather because I have kids” “I can’t have a small purse because with the kids” or my friend who wore the #momlife in giant letters over to my house.

How do you all deal with these little things that would probably have never bothered you at all if this wasn’t your journey but now seem like they could make you come completely undone when said? Am I alone in feeling this way?

Comments (3)

Honestly, it’s not easy. I was in a very similar situation, where those closest to me knew...but others did not.

Baby showers, kids birthday parties AND weddings most of all were my biggest nightmares. I hated the question “when are you going to have kids,” “gotta get on it cuz not getting younger here.”

But any comment could set me off if I had just experienced bad news or a recent BFN. I was in a very dark place for awhile when my bestie and 2 closest friends were prego with their 2nd kids together the same year, due same month. Every comment they made would eat at me, especially when they complained about being parents...such as having to find daycare or the cost of it for their new infant. I know they weren’t trying to be insensitive, for them it was a big deal.

The best thing I did was join a local support group through Resolve. First, I made friends with people in similar situations, and we started to hang out. More with them, less with my pregnant friends.

At the support group I learned the best advice, “it’s okay to be selfish and take care of you first right now”. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to or feel comfortable with, even if canceling is necessary. Do what you feel like doing. If some days, nothing but lay in bed and love your pets - that’s perfectly ok! Why I needed someone to tell me that, IDK lol.

Sadly despite telling people, they can still be extremely insensitive. I have cut off completely from many people. I'm OK with it, in fact, I feel my life is better than the constant stress. Friends of ours decided to text us a picture of them "diaper shopping" to announce their pregnancy on the first try (no ivf or infertility, literally the guest time they tried) on fucking Christmas last year. I lost my shit. We had just had our mc a couple months prior and have repeated failures, and they knew. I have not spoken to them since.

I've had people who know tell me that we're lucky we aren't tied down with kids, people bitch about having kids to us. I find it's easier to avoid those people. I spend a lot of time on these boards for support, and I poured myself into work. Lucky for us, we live 2000 miles from home, so we don't have to see anyone. DH (dear husband) screens our mail around Christmas, so I don't have to see people's kids. As time goes on, it gets significantly harder for me. We're at this 5 years and hoping to start a 5th full Ivf cycle soon.

Know that you need to put you and your needs first, and the hell with anyone else. And it's OK to be "selfish", it's funny, only the ones not going thru it say your selfish. Meanwhile, if it was cancer or mental illness, people would be understanding. Sometimes I even secretly wish that people who are the most insensitive will one day experience what were going thru to humble them a little bit.

to be fair a lot of that isnt their fault just unavoidable fact - fact is they do have to check weather, they do have to carry bigger bags and you dont have kids (and therefor the responsability they do)

there will often be stuff the cant do, have to check, need with them or make tentative preplans for due to having kids they arent going to get rid of their kids to make you feel better so those are just unavoidable facts of life when you have friends with kids and honestly before having kids people just dont get it but its a 24 hour a day strict life change you cant just ignore it or pretend and non-child life goes out the window

the only mildly insensative thing is the momlife tshirt but honestly she probably just threw on whatever was clean, I know I do

I lost contact with a lot of people, I actively tried for over 6 years before IVF (in vitro fertilization) (and tried without fertility help for 6 years before that) and coped pretty well until my loss (3 years ago) when I pulled away from anyone pregnant or with small babies but this was MY issue not theirs and I cant expect them to stop or change their lives for my comfort instead I had to change MY life to protect myself not expect everyone else to change

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