Choosing A Godly Mate : Chapter 1 – Is It Good To Be Alone?

Many women have unfortunately decided to get married to a man because they “feel” emotionally attached to someone who is unhealthy or they are growing older and are tired of being alone so will settle for someone less than godly. Then they ignore all of the “red flags” and checks in their spirits. Many men desire to get married so they can have sex – plain and simple and very fleshly. But many men who are operating in the spirit of Ahab, unwittingly choose an attractive woman from the physical appearance and then ignore what is inside of the woman’s heart (much pain from feeling ignored, rejected or controlled by their fathers). Then after they get married they discover that their wife is very controlling, manipulative and verbally abusive and thus causes them to wish they were single and in peace again. Of course, women can also choose men who are very controlling and abusive and then they set themselves up for disaster as their bodies cannot take constant verbal abuse over and over for years.

So what are some of the unhealthy reasons to be married to someone?

Feeling lonely.

Desperate for companionship.

Desire for sex.

Have financial needs that you want paid off.

Desire a father or mother for your children.

You feel depressed / sad most of the time.

You live in fear / anxiety most of the time.

You want someone to care for you.

You are a Christian and are willing to marry someone who is physically attractive or wealthy but is not truly godly.

So what are some of the healthier reasons to be married to someone?

Desire to love someone unconditionally as Christ loved the church and you are willing to lay your life down for them.

You want to love your spouse more than you need them to love you. You have so much love that you want to give to another person.

You have been healed of all past wounds from childhood and other broken relationships and are now ready to love a person as Christ would have you.

To accomplish a mutual life goal or purpose with each other such as helping people who are hurting, loving on children, a joint ministry that each other has desires for together. If you have a mutual goal that you both share then you will be more likely to spend more time together serving. Most people do not have mutual life goals that they share together and thus drift apart.

A healthy compliment to each other’s strengths / weaknesses as long as they are not totally out of line with your Christian walk. One may be strong administratively and the other is more “big picture” focused. One may be gifted in writing while the other loves to speak in front of groups or in the media. You complement each other well.

You each have similar desires / activities that you would enjoy pursuing together (both workout / eat same type of food / reading / travel / ministry, etc.)

Have similar sense of playful humor so you both bring life to each other as well as other people. It is important to laugh and enjoy life because if you get married to a person who is serious all the time or negative when you are upbeat and positive, then you will be frustrated and discouraged.

It is very important that when you decide to marry another person that you both have similar goals and understand them up front and not after you are married. Have you ever really thought about why you want to be married? If it is just because you are lonely and want to have sex with someone then that will fade away within a few months of the wedding night as you get to know the real person inside of them. You need to go deeper and see if the two of you are truly aligned for success in the long term and also from a spiritual aspect. Obviously if one person has a strong interest in doing full time ministry and serving the Lord and the other just wants to work in the corporate world then their interests will be divided and they both will be miserable and frustrated in living single lives within marriage. If one person is very educated and the other is not, then they will not have anything to talk about that will stimulate each other because the higher educated one will want to talk about things that the spouse will have no understanding of.

So the answer to the question “is it good to be alone?” is yes and no. It is good to be alone until you have healed from all of your wounds from your past because if not, you will have pain that you will take out on your spouse due to hearing the voices of the enemy within you. You will have spirits that will be whispering to you, causing you not to love your spouse unconditionally. The spirits of Jezebel / Leviathan and Ahab will have a legal right to you until you recognize it and take authority. If you have been set free from the pain from your past and commanded the enemy spirits to go – then you are ready to love someone with all of your heart.

The Lord may want you to remain single for a season in order to accomplish a ministry being birthed and then eventually He can bring you the love of your life who also is being worked on to completion by the Lord. You need to truly listen and be directed by the Lord and He will confirm along the way. It is so important that both people hear from the Lord independently and are not influenced through manipulative and coercive comments and behaviors by your mate.

Assuming you have been healed and delivered, then the answer is that you are ready to be married if you desire, but you need to be careful and choose a spouse that will also be healthy from their own soul wounds from their pasts and delivered from any enemy spirits. So many people will act like they are everything that you want them to be at first if they find you attractive. They may even check out your Facebook, Instagram and other social media pages to see what you post about and like in order to mirror that. They want to become who they think you want them to be so that they can get you. But as soon as they think they have you, they will eventually pull off their deceptive mask and switch back to who they really are and then you will be disillusioned, shocked and hurt.

The purpose of this book is to help you discern who to marry who is healthy but also to make sure you are healthy in order to make a wise choice of who to marry. If you are both hurting and are not set free from any enemy spirits, which most people are, then you will both hurt worse when married as the enemy will come out in both of you against each other and words will be spoken that will hurt each of you more deeply. There is nothing like it in the world to be married to a person who loves you unconditionally with all of their heart. But conversely there is nothing worse to be married to someone who wants to control, manipulate and make you do what they want out of the pain that they suffered in their lives as a child. Being controlled and forced to do what the enemy wants them to do will be far worse than any stint of living in solitary confinement, yet in peace.

In other words, before you decide to get married, make sure that you are in a healthy place with which to make the decision to date and choose a life partner. Then you can marry with more discernment on the front end of your decisioning process. You do not want to marry because you feel lonely, desperate for companionship and wanting sex. You need to be content, at peace and enjoying your life of singleness and then you can discern who to conjoin yourself to later in marriage. Marriage should be a lifetime commitment because once you have gone through one divorce, you are more likely to keep divorcing as it becomes easier as you keep your demons from your past and they keep drawing you to another person who has demons that you both become co-dependent on. Jezebels attract Ahabs and Ahabs attract Jezebels. It’s time to be set free forever from the enemy’s legal rights to control you so that you can choose a healthy mate from the Lord. When the clouds from the enemy have been blown from your eyes and you can discern clearly about a potential mate, then you will be able to see who they really are and they cannot hide from you the person who lurks inside of them. Then you will not have to worry that you are picking someone who will change into someone that wants to torment you for a lifetime. God wants your eyes to be wide open so you can make the wisest choice possible.