Happy Easter, Downers! I hope you will all join me in a delicious glass of swarfega to celebrate my new post with San Seriffe Variety! (Got the job by virtue of my investigative reporting scoop last year! It might have mixed up a few details, but as you now know it was basically on the money!)

Here's my first article!

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Originally Posted by SS Variety

Middle-earth TV series director announced! Exclusive interview!

Amazon today revealed its choice of director for its upcoming "Lord of the Rings" prequel series, predicted to be the most expensive TV production in history. "We're very excited by this development," stated Amazon's Chief Executive, Jeff Bezos. "This is the perfect opportunity to breathe much-needed new life into this classic franchise."

In an exclusive interview from his underground concrete bunker, surrounded by crowds of sweaty, out-of-shape middle-aged men waving plastic lightsabers and chanting appreciative slogans such as "NO WAY RJ", "DOWN WITH JAKE" and "COME OUT RJ WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE", director Rian Johnson outlined his bold new vision of Middle-earth to San Seriffe Variety.

Johnson, who will also write the series, intends to re-invigorate Tolkien's world via the groundbreaking deconstructionist approach he recently brought to "Star Wars: The Last Jedi" (2017) which many lifelong fans rate among the top ten movies in the "Skywalker Saga" (as the Binks Saga is known internationally).

Rian Johnson: The most difficult question I had to ask myself was, "These characters we've looked up to as heroic rôle models for decades- how can I show their grey, conflicted, human side?"

SS Variety: Or Elf side?

Rian Johnson: Or Elf side. Wizard side. Oh, and whatever those funny little guys are. You know the ones (laughs). My characters will have real psychological depth, greyness and conflict. Like teenage Arwen as she struggles with bulimia and the fallout from her childhood abuse at the hands of her brutal father. It'll all be part of moving the story into the real world- making it have an emotional impact. At last. We'll finally get to relate to a young, conflicted Aragorn as he deals with learning his true heritage.

SS Variety: You mean that he's Isildur's heir?

Rian Johnson: Er... no, actually. Here's a spoiler for you- I might have changed some minor things around, for more conflict and relatability. Nothing that will undermine the existing story, of course. Pretty sure.

But I wouldn't want you to think my series is all gritty realism. There's a lot of really great comedy. Like the bit with Gandalf and the oliphaunt. In the brothel. Ha, ha, ha, so funny! I laugh whenever I think of it (laughs). Ian [MacKellen] is going to love what we're done with his character. Gandalf has a fantastic arc, with amazing conflict and greyness.

SS Variety: Sounds appropriate. Is there any one character that you particularly enjoy writing?

Rian Johnson: Glad you asked. As I watched the "15-minute Lord of the Rings Highlights Mix" by way of research, I found myself wondering, "So why is this thing called 'The Lord of the Rings', anyway?" And it- you know, it suddenly clicked with me that we were only being shown one side of the picture, that Sauron was the real protagonist. You've got this person- this grey, complex, conflicted person- who wants to do the right thing by ruling Middle-earth, but all he gets is rejection and criticism. It's only when Tauriel-

SS Variety: Wait, Tauriel is in this?

Rian Johnson: Naturally, she's one of my favourite "Lord of the Rings" characters. Anyway Tauriel with her compassion and feminine energy reaches out to Sauron, because she can sense the wounded, conflicted human being behind the mask. It's going to a really moving story, completely in the spirit of Tolkien.

Besides, it's all in the Appendices. Somewhere.

SS Variety: You haven't been talking to Peter Jackson by any chance, have you?

Rian Johnson: ...Yeah, how did you know that? Anyway, as I was saying, the whole concept is to challenge the characters, and the audience. Take them to an unexpected place.

SS Variety: Your last movie certainly had a very passionate reception from the fanbase. Is it possible some less sophisticated Tolkien fans might find your version just a bit too challenging and unexpected?

Rian Johnson: Well, you know what they say...

SS Variety: It never rains but it pours?

Rian Johnson: No, I was thinking of, "You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs".

SS Variety: Spoken like a true Seriffean. We're going to have to wind this up now, so thank you for your time. Sounds like your series will be a big hit in San Serriffe.

I hear Rian's gonna go throwing about themes of the old ways being in decline, portraying heroes who do stupid things and leaders who mess up, claiming you don't have to be a Chosen One to save the day, and letting characters achieve victory only at great personal sacrifice. I mean, pffft, I dunno what kind of Tolkien he's been reading.

At least we can hope he won't go putting in anything silly, like Hobbits thinking fireworks are real dragons, or folks bursting into comic songs at the drop of a hat. That would just be too outlandish.

(And hey, you're from San Seriffe? Cool! I went there once, looking for the local Bigfoot legend, Typ-Ogres. Didn't find any, but had a great time rambling through the forests on Caissa Superiore.)

I hear Rian's gonna go throwing about themes of the old ways being in decline, portraying heroes who do stupid things and leaders who mess up, claiming you don't have to be a Chosen One to save the day, and letting characters achieve victory only at great personal sacrifice. I mean, pffft, I dunno what kind of Tolkien he's been reading.

I know- revolutionary themes which have *never existed* in any version of Middle-earth before! Finally- FINALLY- we're going to get something actually worth reading/watching!

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At least we can hope he won't go putting in anything silly, like Hobbits thinking fireworks are real dragons, or folks bursting into comic songs at the drop of a hat. That would just be too outlandish.

Oh dear, I was hoping he could include something like our own Dance of the Pied Slugs... (We're offering tax incentives for companies to film here in our many beautiful locations, you know). It could easily be changed to "Pied Were-worms", I'm sure.

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(And hey, you're from San Seriffe? Cool! I went there once, looking for the local Bigfoot legend, Typ-Ogres. Didn't find any, but had a great time rambling through the forests on Caissa Superiore.)

Lovely to see you again,Herald. On the subject of kwotes, I trust Lucinda is in fine feather. Always grateful for your scoops even if they might cause us to choke on our swarfega - which autocorrect changes to dwarf egg! Could it be a sign?

Lovely to see you again,Herald. On the subject of kwotes, I trust Lucinda is in fine feather. Always grateful for your scoops even if they might cause us to choke on our swarfega - which autocorrect changes to dwarf egg! Could it be a sign?

Well, the precise ingredients of swarfega are a national secret...

And thanks for asking about Lucida! Yes, she is doing well, and now has a mate named Gill after the beautiful Gill Sands beach- which- who knows? -might soon be standing in for the were-worm-infested Last Desert!

My apologies for not replying, Mithalwen!. The islands must have migrated into a different wi-fi zone between posts! (It happens.)

Anyway, I am afraid that I can neither confirm nor deny any speculations regarding what might or might not go into swarfega* (other than the mangrove blossoms), except to point out that our islands- despite being sometimes described as a "banana republic"- actually produce a wide variety of fruit and vegetables, along with oil, phosphates and fully desalinated alchohol! Really, the possibilities are endless!

*This is punishable by up to ten years' imprisonment or lifetime compulsory attendence at all concerts of the Ampersand String Quartet.