One morning, Dr. Martin Fitzhugh, a dentist in Dublin, Ireland, was shocked when a patient pointed out that the metal cup holder she used to rinse her mouth was not clean. True, the patient drank from the paper cup, not the holder, but it certainly wasn’t professional to use tarnished equipment. The doctor then wrote the cleaning lady:

Dear Bridgit,

I see you so seldom, I thought I’d take the time to thank you for your fine cleaning job. By the way, I thought I’d mention that since two hours, twice a week, is a very limited amount of time, please feel free to work an extra half hour from time to time if you feel you need to do those “once-in-a-while” things like polishing the cup holders and the like. I, of course, will pay you for the extra time.

The next day, Dr. Fitzhugh’s desk and chair was immaculately polished. In the treatment room, he found the shiniest, cleanest chrome-plated cup holder he’d ever seen in its receptacle.

Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it— and he will practice in order to excel.

Statesmen and diplomats aren’t the only ones who use the make-a-person-happy-to-do-the-things-you-want-to-do approach.

I knew a man who had to refuse many invitations to speak, invitations extended by friends, invitations coming form people to whom he was obligated; and yet he did it so tactfully that the other person was at least contented with his refusal.

How?

Not by merely talking about the fact that he was too busy and too-this and too-that.

No, after expressing his appreciation of the invitation and regretting his inability to accept it, he suggested a substitute speaker (a win-win-situation … wise!).

In other words, he didn’t give the other person any time to feel unhappy about the refusal. He immediately changed the other person’s thoughts to another speaker who could accept the invitation.

Effective leaders should keep the following in mind when changing others’ attitudes or behaviors:

Be sincere. Don’t promise anything you cannot deliver. Concentrate on the benefits to the other person (not yourself).

Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.

Empathize. Ask yourself, “What does the other person really want?”

Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.

Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.

When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person how he will personally benefit. Example:

“John, we have a job that should be completed right away. If it’s done now, we won’t be faced with it later. I’m bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities. I’d like to show them the stockroom, but it’s in poor shape. If you could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves, and polish the counter, we’d look efficient and you’ll have done your part to provide a good company image.”

Empathy and encouragement — certainly goes A LONG WAY in human relations!

Tomorrow, we’ll summarize the major points from the last ten days (I’ll try). After that, it’s application and practice in the real world.