Okay, at first I thought this whole crazed nail polish trend was innovative and cute … you know just another way to self express. Studded nails, color blocked nails, two nails painted a different color. It was all subtle but really cool. But literally everyday it keeps getting more and more cray. And today I had it, I just had it. I saw a new nail design and literally said to myself at my desk, “for the love of God, what kind of crack are we on ladies that we would subject our nails to this.”

What threw me over the edge you ask? It was kind of a two part downward spiral. It started with the Golden Globes. I’ll give it to the ladies this year, some really fantastic fashion all around … minus Meryl Streep. The woman can act her ass off, but ask her to throw on a black tie gown well … yikes. Anyways, Zooey Deschanel was there … and quite frankly I absolutely was not a fan of her look, well … and I’m not really a fan of her, but that is a WHOLE different story, we are talking nails here. The bright green and black dress really threw me for a loop … and so did the tux nails. What? Seriously, black tie affair … THE GOLDEN GLOBES and you have tuxedos on your nails? Who are you? Sure, its cute. But I don’t think the Golden Globes are a place for “cute.” Fierce? Yes. Bad ass? Yes. But cutesy … NOPE. Tuxedos belong on men … and sometimes ladies, not nails, kay?

And then today was the end all be all that officially took this trend and set fire to it. Two words: Lisa Frank. Okay, to most girls it is a fabulous flashback of their childhood filled with fantastic Lisa Frank school supplies. Yes, I had a Lisa Frank trapper keeper, but basically it reminds me of those moments in summer when “Back To School” advertising started and ruined all of my freedom, which would send me into a frenzy of anxiety. Oh yeah, it also reminds me of ugliness. But apparently, THIS is a new nail trend. Remember those multicolored rainbow neon Dalmatians, unicorns, cheetah print, kittens and rainbows? Oh yeah, they expect me to put that shit on my nails? Really?

So this is where I say enough, ladies. Maybe it is because I’m getting older, but in no way, shape or form do I think it is chic or stylish or even hipster-chic to paint your nails in all of these crazy patterns and styles … especially Lisa Frank … for the love of God. Have you ever tried to produce any of these styles, by the way? Okay, I’ll admit it, I wanted my nails navy with a black stripe going down the middle. So I got the skinny brush for the stripe and it turned into a big fat, frustrating disaster area with a lot of cursing and nail polish remover spills. Not as easy as these trend setters claim to be, even with step by step tutorials.

I personally enjoy the good ol’ fashion solid colors, maybe even doing two nails a different color … but that is as cray cray as I will take it. This look is, you know … classy, sophisticated, chic. I would rather not look down at my nails and have flashbacks of back to school hell and bad decisions made with school supplies and have to wonder … hmmm am I 5 years old or 25?

If you are between the ages of 5-18, go for the gold with these outlandish nail trends. The rest of us ol’ bags … let’s keep it simple.

*FYI I’m marking this as the most conservative post I will EVER write. I even scared myself a bit. In fact to shake off my conservative thoughts, I have to admit that I once coveted Gaga’s nails when she had a ring pierced through one of them. There, now I feel better.

Since the first time a file hit my nails decades ago, there was no other thought but to square them off. Rounded tip nails immediately make me think of Palmolive commercials from the 1990’s and bad actresses from the 1980’s that got their “big break” on shows like Matlock.

In typical Gaga style, the Born This Way leader of the world of pop has dragged this retro trend into the millennium, which I resisted for quite some time. But just like I had to listen to Judas 100 some odd times to like slash understand and enjoy it, I had to see this trend in action on the pages of Vogue and on J to the L-O’s hands to think, well maybe it would be worth it to give this bad boy a whirl.

Sometimes a person’s look needs to be updated or given a little edge if you will. And if you can’t go out and dye your hair purple or get a tattoo sleeve (as much as you may desire but silly things like work atmospheres ruin those punk rock dreams), this can be a great little edgy fix to quench your thirst for change.

Take that file, drag it across those squared edges, round them out and throw on a pop color, like Cha-Ching Cherry by OPI. If you need color-spiration, watch the music video for Telephone and go with any of those Warhol pop colors.

I mean grandmothers and nuns are wearing hair bows for crying out loud screaming through the streets “don’t be a drag, just be a queen,” so clearly we all respect how strong Gaga’s grasp is upon the world of fashion.