Thursday, November 19, 2009

My Top Ten Favorite Romance Movies

By Redphantom Xenpsychous

(This list may contain spoilers to the movies listed.)

This is a list of my top ten favorite romance movies. You might be wondering what makes me qualified to compile such a list. Absolutely nothing. Though, I did write this list while sitting in an leather armchair next to a fireplace while drinking tea, wearing a monocle, and smoking tobacco out of a pipe, that makes this list law.

Taken: Taken, a French film released in 2008 comes in at number 10. What makes it a good romance film? It's French. It's also a classic tale about this man who goes to great lengths to retrieve his girlfriend from her captors. I think the man's pet name for his girlfriend is “daughter”, but that's just because Liam Neeson is into that sort of thing.

The Diary Of Anne Frank: Coming in at number nine is a really good movie that not enough people have seen. It's a cult film, but it's great, it's so good that they should make the screenplay required reading in school. It is a story about a teenage Jewish girl in Nazi Germany during the Holocaust. Now, I know what you're thinking, “Oh, this story is probably about Anne Frank falling in love with a Nazi officer who doesn't realize that she's Jewish, and her father disapproves, because the boy is a Nazi. Then, the Nazi officer realizes Frank is a Jew and suddenly he questions his beliefs and decides to go against his Nazi superiors. Fighting off the super villain Uber Hitler in an epic battle to free Anne Frank and the Jews, but in the end, he is not strong enough, so Frank's father sacrifices his life to defeat Hitler giving Anne Frank and the Nazi Officer his blessing beforehand. Then Anne Frank and the Nazi live happily ever after.” right? Is that what you thought? Well, you were wrong. Surprisingly, in this story, the Nazis actually kill the Jews, and yet, in spite of that, Anne Frank still loves humanity. She loves them unconditionally, and that is what makes this movie a perfect romance film.

Apocalypse Now: Number eight is a movie about two lovers torn apart by the Vietnam War. So, one of them goes down a river in a boat to find the other. Unfortunately, when he gets there, he finds his lover has gone insane, because love does that. So, the protagonist kills his lover out of mercy.

Deliverance: This movie is one not many people get. People think of this movie and all they think of is the rape scene and they say, “How can this be a romance movie.”, but they forget what this movie is really about: four guys going canoing down a river together...man love. This movie is actually a sophisticated exploration of homosexuality in a time when homosexuality was strictly forbidden. That's why the homosexuality is not more explicit in the film. And the rape scene? That was included to show unhealthy man love and have it as a foil to the healthy man love that this film is really about. What more proof that this film is really about homosexual relations between men? One of the gay characters was raped by a hillbilly. The backwards ignorance source of bigotry towards the gay community.

Trainspotting: This movie shows that people can't just be romantically involved with other people, they can be romantically involved with drugs, too. That's right, people can love drugs, just ask my mother's second husband. This move also shows the consequences of love, namely shitting the bed, baby killing, and HIV.

The Exorcist: This movie is really just a reworking of a classic fairy tale. A “princess” in this case, “Regan McNeil” gets locked up by an “evil overlord”, in this case, “the demon” and must be rescued by a “knight” in this case, “Father Karras”.

Frankenstein: This movie is about a tortured soul, named Frankenstein's Monster, searching for true love. He's a loner because society rejects him, but eventually he finds what he is looking for...in a farmer's young daughter. Tragically, this romance comes to an end when Frankenstein's Monster kills the young girl due to a misunderstanding. So, Frankenstein's Monster further withdraws from society and becomes a cold blooded killer. At the end of the film Frankenstein's Monster ends up in a windmill where the townsfolk set his ass on fire, because they come from a society not yet advanced enough to understand or accept the love between a hideous monster and little girl.

Dirty Dancing: I don't know why I put this movie on the list. I guess I just couldn't think of ten good romance movies, so I just stuck this one in here, despite the fact it isn't really a romance movie. Also, I remembered it because my mother tells this story about how when I was a small child, and she wanted to go do something else, she would pop this movie in and I would watch it and not get into trouble so she could go do something else...I'm sure that's just a story she made up to destroy my confidence. She does that.

The Passion of The Christ: Don't think that this movie is a romance film? Oh yeah? Then why did Mel Gibson, the writer/directer/producer of the film say of it, “This is a movie about love, hope, faith, and forgiveness...” See, ask Mel Gibson, it's a movie about love, the creepy kind of love. Mel Gibson's love for Jesus. Just think of Jesus like a celebrity, and Mel Gibson is like a crazy fan who wrote a story for his celebrity crush. Just think, when Gibson presents his movie to Jesus in heaven, a bunch of arch angels will drop his ass like a stone. The passion actually reminds of this story this one guy I know wrote for his ex girlfriend before she became his ex girlfriend. The story in question caused him to be shot with horse tranquilizer, thrown into a dog kennel, and then be arrested. After the incident in question, said friend of mine showed up at his now ex girlfriend's house and apologize. This resulted in me-him, being tasered. I said him. Anyway, after that my friend had a restraining order placed on him so he could not go and apologize to his ex girlfriend...for writing a story about how he was going to kill and eat her after delivering a story to her about killing and eating her. You would think she would understand that it was just a story, but she didn't...what a bitch.

Godzilla: For the number one romance movie on the list, I actually have a series of romance movies, because it's stupid, unnecessary, and excessive. Just like “love”. And by the series, I'm referring to the old Japanese movies, not the shitty American remake. These movies have a special place in my heart, because I was really into them when I was a child. Godzilla was the first thing I ever really geeked out over. Now, this is a complex story, spanning 28 movies. The beginning of the story is really revealed in movie 18, where it is shown that Godzilla saved the life of Japanese soldiers during a battle during WWII. Then, Godzilla gets nuked, just like Japan did, and that makes him into a mutated beast, just like it did to Japan. Godzilla goes to find a woman in Japan, because he knows that a Japanese mutant is the only person who would accept him. Unfortunately, the Japanese government mistakes him for a giant monster bent on destruction and shoots missiles at him and electrocutes him and shit. That causes him to go on a rampage. Godzilla is a classic example of what people are like when they are so hideous that other people scream and run away at the sight of them. The man just wanted to be loved, but he wasn't, so he was a prick for about eight movies. Then, in movie eight, Godzilla adopts a son, and at the end of the movie Godzilla hugs him, and then magically Godzilla becomes like a superhero for the next few movies. There's a lesson in this. After this hug, Godzilla basically becomes a good guy, battling “evil” monsters who just can't feel love. Like space monsters, and robots, and ancient monsters. Space monsters can't feel love because love was invented on Earth, and is thus reserved for Earth monsters and humans. Robots can't feel emotions. And, of course, ancient creatures were around before love was invented, so they just can't understand it. Everyone knows that love was invented by Jesus.(See number two.) Then at movie 16, the series was rebooted, and magically, Godzilla was a prick again, because movie 8 was erased. Further proof that these movies are romance movies: it has a movie with a giant rose monster, a moth based monster, and faeries that can fit in your pants. Just don't forget the main moral of these movies: if you hug someone, you can make them a superhero. So, you just remember that, the next time you see someone down, just give them a hug, it will make them a superhero.