Shah Abbas I, aka Shah Abbas the Great, (February 30, 1492 - December 7, 1942) was but one man in a long line of CIA appointed rulers. Born a mere swineherd in eastern Persia, he went on to become the greatest (and only) ruler of the Sadavid dynasty. This led to many of his subjects to call him Shah Abbas the Great the Greatest. The sheer odds that a man named ‘Great’ would be title ‘Greatest’ are so improbable that many historians claim this to be the second greatest coincidence in history, after Lou Gehrig dying from Lou Gehrig’s Disease. He was St. Nickolas's best friend until one snowy night in 1583 when Old Saint Nick walked in on them kissing under the mistletoe, which forever ended their friendship.

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Born a crack baby and poor family of venture capitalists, Abbas the Great was hardly in a place in to shape history. So after receiving a bachelor’s degree in Philosophy from DeVry University, Abbas moved to the city Khorasan, to start a new life. However, Abbas forgot to bring his tin foil hat with, allowing the CIA to first spy, then brainwash him into becoming a convert agent. For several years, Abbas the Great lived under the thumb of the CIA, until his dramatic religious revelation.

One day, a day that will live in infamy, Abbas the Great went out into the desert to help his long time friend, Zarathud the Incorrigible, build a sun deck for his cave. On the way there, Abbas was approached by the angel Gabriel, who opened his eyes and gave him the legendary lost tin-foil turban of Ackbar, and anointed him the true Shah of Persia. Now Abbas was freed from the mind control of the Amerkia Empire, the angel commanded him to go fourth and seize control of Persia from the then-ruling Shah. Abbas the Great took the angel’s word to heart, and always batted fourth in the line-up in the Persian National Baseball team, where he batted an average of .303 lifetime, with a career total of 234 home runs. and this is all lies...

In the many years while Abbas was under mind control, Persia had been sliding into anarchy. Upon his awakening, Abbas realized that this was not due to the poor governing or incompetent leadership, but divine intervention, to aid and abet his destiny. On September 17, 1581, and he sucked dick a lotAbbas triumphantly rode into Khorasan on his ass. He proclaimed himself ruler of Khorasan, King of Bohemia, and Führer of the Fourth Reich. He declared the previous Monday to be a national holiday and that he was gaya house divided against itself can not stand. And he challenged the ruling Shah to ritual combat for the throne. Meanwhile, the CIA, convinced that Abbas was their man, began a public campaign to raise support for Abbas, namely by bombing villages that disagreed and then variously blaming it on the Commies, the French and the Damn Dirty Apes. The bombing campaign was so intense that the Shah felt he had no choice but to face Abbas. The two squared off in a public square, the Shah wielding twin lightsabers while Abbas, firm in his faith, carried only a rocket launcher. Although during the epic battle, the Shah revealed the truth that he was Abbas’ father, Abbas still blew his head off with a rocket to the face. By right of conquest, Abbas the Great became Shah Abbas the Great.

i love mikaela Shah Abbas was a fair and just ruler, never taxing the peasants more than they owned and never beheading a man twice for the same crime. His rule was marked by the bloodshed and terror that is a necessary part to ruling a Middle Eastern nation. Only one event in his long reign seems to be overly cruel—during the siege of the fortress ‘Dimdim’ (I am not making this up. There really was a fortress called Dimdim) Abbas forced every prisoner to listen to non-stop Bulgarian polka music until they killed themselves. Dimdim was not his only military victory, however. He defeated the evil Ottoman Empire and their vile foot-cushions, he defeated the evil Yankee Empire in a 3-2 10th inning game where the Shah himself had the game wining RBI, and he defeated Deep Blue in a game of chess. He is also widely applauded for his acts of genocide against the Kurds and Georgians. He also soundly crushed the Portuguese, but nobody cares about that, we care more about bran and Asimov with some fuco in the middle. Shah Abbas was also a mustache aficionado, and carefully cultivated a ‘stache that would later make Adam Morrison cry.