Green's Hill-Amy Lane's Home - News

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Bite me, I'm sorry!

Okay, I didn't mean to drive like an asshole. I looked over my shoulder, I anticipated where the cars were going to be, and I swear it didn't look like that car could even make the light.

When I turned right and moved to the outside lane, I didn't even see the guy I cut off-- he was going really fast and at first, I was just grateful I didn't get myself hit.

And then the guy sped up, passed me, and the fun began.

A whole carful of guys flipped me off, slowed down to twenty miles an hour, and started screaming epithets out of the window.

Two guys mooned me, pale asses hanging out of their windows, their little tiny dicks flapping in the breeze.

They continued to drive slow, until, when I saw a chance to get into the left hand turn lane without them cutting me off--because they would have--I took it.

Even if it meant they drove up alongside my car and screamed LEARN HOW TO DRIVE YOU FUCKING CUNT! out their window as they passed

And left me to go two miles out of my way to get back to where I was going.

My heart thundering in my throat the whole time.

Because I'm a middle aged woman, alone, at night--and I didn't see their damned black car ripping around the goddamned corner.

And of course my first thought was "Jesus, I"m sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! I didn't see you! Oh my God, you were going fast, and thank you for not plowing over me, but I"m sorry!"

And my second thought was, "I hope they don't have guns!"

And my third thought was, "Wow, geez, this is overkill, guys."

And my last thought, as the bearded asshole screamed at me, face waxing large like the moon as he spit, was, "I hope you crash your car into a tree. I hope your dicks fall off. I hope you get thrown from your car and land with a fence post up your sphincter. Because what I did wrong, I did with the best of intentions, having cleared all the bases I could have to make sure there was nobody I was imposing with my actions. What I did was a mistake--and I was SORRY. What you did was malicious and evil and vengeful, and you were way more a danger to drivers on the road in your righteous fucking anger than I was with my carelessness. Being wronged by mistake does NOT give you the right to fuck with people on purpose. It never fucking has."

And then I made my way to pick my son up from the bus stop, because his class gets out late at night, and he will never have the privilege of driving, and I worry at him, out on the road, with people more interested in getting even than being safe.

About Me

I am creative, distracted, and terribly weird. I love my children to distraction, and I love my hobbies even when they piss me off. I come from a double line of extremely creative, intelligent people who hated authority so much they dodged higher education, and I married a wonderful man who is quiet, conservative, devestatingly funny, and perfect. Our children are constant reminders that God and Goddess have a profound sense of humor, and that all of the things you dislike most about yourself but pretend don't exist really do come back on the karmic wheel to kick your ass when you least expect it. My family keeps me young and humble and I try every day to make them proud. I've written a LOT of books--I can't even count anymore, most of them for Dreamspinner Press and Riptide Press, but some of them published on my own. I write to placate the voices in my head, profanity is the element I swim in, and knitting socks at stoplights has become my twitch.

Quickening

The Fifth Book of the Little Goddess series will be out in two parts, May 2nd and June 16th.

*Kermit Flail*

If you would like to submit a new release for *Kermit Flail* Monday, simply e-mail me at amylane@greenshill.com with your title, .jpg cover attachment, blurb, and buy link. It helps if I know you-- I'll say sweet things about you-- but even if I don't, I'm happy to put you up on the *Flail*.