It has been a few months since I undertook the job of a Professor of English. And in case you are wondering, yes, I make everyone address me as Professor. It makes me feel big inside. So… exactly how is it going?

Let me start off with a story. I was called into the office a few weeks ago to have a “talk” with my boss. My first thought in my mind… crap… I’m already getting fired. Why couldn’t they just email me instead and inform me I no longer have a job? They really are going to make me come all the way up to the office, just so they can watch me leave with my head held low?

Truth be told… I am the worst English teacher in the world. They tell me to dress business casual. I always roll out of bed, throw on whatever is closest to me, and definitely do not shave. I’m supposed to maintain professionalism at all times, yet instead, I encourage my students to drink beer in class. I often teach the meaning of inappropriate words and ensure that they know how to use them properly when someone cuts them off in traffic. I am provided with a textbook when I receive a new student (through my Institute), but I usually immediately throw it away. I’m supposed to plan my classes, but I never do. Rather… I just rely on my “winging” it mentality.

As I came to the office, the assistant smiled and said she had good news for me. Instead of firing me, they decided to give me Professor of the Month.

What!?!?!?!

I thought they were joking at first. How can I get Professor of the Month? Like I have already stated, I truly am horrible at my job. But then I figured it out. I must be the only employee there.

Nope… I was wrong. I didn’t realize how big my institute was… but currently, there are over 80 professors. Ok… still, there had to be a mistake. Maybe they gave the award to every new professor?

Once again… no. They only chose two professors for the month. How they chose me, I do not know.

Then I realized something. I had told my students that I would pay them twenty bucks if they gave me a good review. I guess they took that offer seriously. Ummm… can someone loan me twenty bucks? Actually, I have about four students, so I might need a little more. Thank you in advance.

As reigning Professor of the Month, I promise that I will become even lazier, continue to “forget” to shave, and definitely never plan my classes.

And in case you were wondering, what do I get for Professor of the Month? Nothing. Well… I did get my biography in the newsletter that is sent to every client. This is what it looked liked.