MY CHILD’S FAVORITE TOY IS POSSESSED BY SATAN

Am I the only new parent out there who is having problems with a haunted toy?

The Power of Christ compels you! The Power of Christ compels you!

I don’t even know the name of this puzzle — it’s not written anywhere on the product — which makes me even more convinced it was whittled by the pen knife of Lucifer himself. In theory, it’s a simple and entertaining toy, where each of the smiling vehicle puzzle pieces plays a different sound when it is removed. (The ambulance makes a siren, the tugboat blares a foghorn, etc.)

This would be fine, if it didn’t keep going off when no one is playing with it. We now keep the batteries out most of the time, but I’ll occasionally put them back in so my kid can play with it — and then forget. The toy has the annoying tendency to go off when I’m out late at night watching a bad movie for work, and my wife is alone and asleep.

The airplane is particularly scary. It’s supposed to imitate a jet taking off, but with no warning at 4 a.m. sounds like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are stampeding through our living room.