Saturday, 25 February 2012

Living In The Grey

To me this is a great video. It's about 'spending your whole life living in the 'grey'.

Sometimes in life we don't seem to really fit into anything. It's like being a round peg trying to fit into a square hole. We all need an identity of some sort which enables us to find our niche, so to speak. It's no fun not knowing who you are, not knowing what your purpose is in life, not knowing if you should call yourself black or white, not knowing who your mother or father is or where on earth they are.

Sometimes we just spend our entire life fitting and forcing ourselves into everybody's else's routine or lifestyle, daring not to speak out and say Hello my name is 'blah blah and this is who I am'. You just spend your whole life 'living in the grey'

Listen to the words carefully. It fully explains all that I'm saying for this post.

20 comments:

This is a personal subject for many people and thus many people shun a little commenting on subject like this but I decided to be the first one.

Many people live in the gray area and I also had that destiny in my childhood and teen years for living in the shadow of my dad who deserted me and continuously despiced me (he was seriously narcissist personality and mentally sick and no one was good enough for him, no matter what he/she did, was, or achieved cuz' he was always better than anyone else and always right and justified to say and do what ever he wanted) well in those times I was depressed, lost and insecure, not really knowing even myself, who I actually was or what I wanted my life to be, cuz' someone defined that for me, wanted me to be a looser and declared to everyone that I was just one pathetic piece of shit.

Now 4,5 years after my father died of making suicide I'm most of the time a happy person living the life I'm wanting, I'm knowing myself and my own will perfectly well and I'm not living in the grey area anymore.

So what I'm wanting to say is that it's never too late to shoot for the stars no matter who you are or what you have left behind in your life, no matter how messy it was.

I will most probably face critique for being this frank and sharing my history this truthfully, but I decided to do this for knowing there are many others struggling in the gray zone in their lifes at the moment...

AmethystFirst of all I would like to commend you on being very honest and candid by sharing your own life situation here. As you stated many people may shy away from such a post for various reasons.I applaud the fact that despite what you went through for many years that you have somehow managed to pick yourself up, taken the time to get to know exactly who you are and are no longer living in the 'grey'. That is an achievement in itself, and not always an easy thing to do.

I'm also amazed that despite your previous situation that you have the positive attitude to realise that "it is never too late" no matter "how messy" your life or past was. Some people still continue to live in a state of depression and/or blame their current situation on what has happened in the past, and can not or will not move on to change their future. Amethyst you have done very well and sometimes it is the past that makes us into the positive people we are today. I'm sure your comment will go towards helping others who have found themselves in similar situations.

There's not denying how our past shapes who we are. The influence of those significant events that are firsts - the first voices you hear, the first people you know, those to teach you this or that... your first experiences of what it means to relate to another human being, what love is... the list goes on. They are all pieces of the puzzle that makes up who we are.

If those events are toxic or damaging it's no use living in denial. It takes courage to take stock of this.

But in addition to a clear conception of the past, I think our vision of our future is at least as important. A life lived looking back either regretfully or nostalgically is at risk of drifting. Life is too precious for us to sleepwalk through. In my opinion, having a sense of where we are going, of who we can be or want to be is the best way to escape the imprisoning grip of the negatives of the past.

Our sense of where we are going has as much potential to define our present as our past does. As you say 'shoot for the stars'.

The unfortunate reality in our society today is far too may children come into the world to parents who are little more than children themselves. Then there are others who are simply not yet ready to be parents but find themselves raising kids. That is, the men who stick around. Still others are so focused on careers that raising children is an afterthought. Pity!

Children are a blessing to be cherished. I am a father of two and know first hand that it is not easy. I can also say that nothing worthwhile in my life has ever been easy. Still, when children came my own needs and desires had to come second.

I believe much of this can be attributed to the lack of a moral center instilled in children as they are growing up. Part of that is providing a proper example for them. State institutions are failing and the church is not doing any better.

Yet even with challenging circumstances surrounding one's rearing, at some point the individual must decide that they will no longer be the victim of poor circumstances. Amethyst is right in pointing out that it is never too late to work hard for something more from life.

ChrisThank you for your comments. It's extremely nice and not so common these days that people put their children first. I totally agree that "state institutions are failing and the church is not doing any better". Life is never straightforward and simple, regardless to your status, it has it's ups and downs on the best of days. As I've said before, every person has a choice and each choice results in consequences. Thanks Chris.

AmethystOn a different tangent, I shall now address your point "I will most probably face critique......."

Please rest assured that I openly welcome participation on this blog, whether it be in the form of debates, or opposing/agreeing to one's opinion/view.

I would not tolerate personal attacks against anyone as this blog was intended to be healthy free space for views of all kinds, which can sometimes lead to a solution to a problem or change someone's mind to another way of thinking.

I allow comments to be published immediately and if I feel that anyone is being disrespectful to other users, that is something I will not allow.

This happens to anyone else, lest you're not human and you don't have any relationships with anybody. Truthfully, it's our emotion we have to deal with everyday. There will always be something that will put us down. As they say, the happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

Shiloh yes of course I have felt the influence of all those toxical and damaging things happened to to me.

When I was like 10-years old I was very deeply depressed, bitter and negative personality and I even considered killing myself when I was 13...then I somehow gained some strenght to go on by finding few friends and some things to believe in, though everything seemed pretty unstable, messy, hopeless and grey. I didn't have any self-appreciation becauce I had been failed and despiced in so many ways and let down so many times. I suffered from totally distorted self esteem etc...

Years went by that way and 2 months before I turned 18 my father made a suicide. That was the actual turn-around in my life. It was hard time thouhg it was a relief, that my dad was gone for good.

I still had lots of unprocessed negative memories, traumas of all that humiliatin, the distorted self esteem etc. to deal with. Yes I was going to therapy for 2-years once in every week. I also had my mother, sister and brother standing by me and some lovely friends...

And simply after there was nobody anymore keeping me down constantly I started to succsess in my actions much better and better and the success brought more self confidence and positive effects..

The few friends who have been standing by me through bad and good years and knew me back then, when I was scareful, deppressed and bacicly negative personality have said, that they never couldn't imagine my past, if they didn't know it, when looking at me now. :)

A person who takes their own life - either as an act of violence towards their own self, or because their relationship with the world is so intolerable to them that see no alternative but to sever it permanently - such a person is hardly in a position to nurture another or impart to them the true sense of their value and worth.

Unable to deal with his relationship with own self and the world around him, your father would have dealt negatively with anyone, no matter who or what they are and irrespective of their qualities as a person. Of course this is the grown-up, objective perspective. Yours was the subjective experience of an impressionable child. You were forced to see yourself and the world through his eyes - it's horrible to think about.

Some people never get over this. They repeat the pattern, acting out their bitterness and becoming abusers themselves or imprisoned by depression. Others try to break out but end up relying on people, substances etc. which allow them to cope but are unable to help them get over. You will find a lot of people who develop problematic and abusive relationships with people and drugs do so because they are trying to escape their past.

You seem to have chosen to surround yourself with people who support you in re-writing the script of your life, but also realising that they can't do all the hard work for you.

Your story is inspiring. I'm grateful to you that you have the courage to share it, because I hope a lot of people get to hear it. People who are still in the position you were in a few years back. I hope they can look to you and see a pathway out of their own past.

Some people turn out to be something because of the parenting they recieved. They have a good start in life. Other people become something IN SPITE OF their backgrounds. I think, somehow, the achievements in life of the second group count for more, having been won at a greater price.

I guess we human are furnished by a set of natural defenses to live life... but what life?

Some of us are so much oppressed by the society we live in that we cannot leave the gray area since we are not rigged to do so.

If we transport those being to places where life is "easier" you will be surprised about the change in their lives.

I have seen this happens, when you withdraw the strong competition and open the horizon, many people feel they are something. In our world where there are few opportunities and a lot of unjust situations this is a very difficult hurdle for some of us to jump!

That is a very powerful song when the worlds are actually listened to. We are the only ones that can shape our lives as we have lived our past and work towards our futures. Great post and i will be bookmarking. :D

Sorry I was so late getting to this, for some reason the video was not playing for me. I have to say, brilliant song, and one I can relate to quite easily. I'm a black guy who was raised in a white household. And yeah, okay, people will say I am mixed. True, but when society looks at me, they don't think half-Irish. They see a black man. A black man who "acts white", whatever that is supposed to mean.

There is a part of me that is pissed off at my biological father. And yeah, much like in the song I hope everything I succeed in, he knows he contributed NOTHING to it. A shitty parent is the opposite of a good one. They are your support network, the shitty one is a speedbump, something you just have to get over to move on with your life. Sadly some people never overcome that. I still see that in my younger half-brother. He still looks for approval. I've given up on my father being anything to me.

I admire you Amethyst for getting over and on with your life. Shiloh is right, Unfortunately too many men repeat the pattern. My brother has already walked away from his oldest child, with his second child's mother, well I hope he stays or at least stays in the kid's life, but I think if he leaves the mother for him it is a given he isn't going to bother with the child.

I also liked Chris' point that at some point you have to stop pointing at your childhood for the decisions you make in adulthood. At some point you need to get in the drivers seat and acknowledge your actions are not governed by the past.

Can I just add one more thing? So many of us have ‘stuff’ in our backgrounds, you know? We might just see Jamie’s smile - a happy go lucky guy, not a care in the world, or Amethyst with her group of friends and think ‘I wish that was me’, look how popular she is. Not realising the cost. That nothing in life just falls into our lap.

We all experience challenges. The grass is not greener. It’s just that some people understand the need to do gardening - cultivating circumstances and landscaping the inner panorama of their character.

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The aim of Rum-Punch is to stimulate discussion, straight talking and the free flow of ideas - just like the drink :)
Its also to provoke thought, and provide a forum for people to give suggestions to others. A good thought can change a bad idea.
I aim to post an article every 2 weeks.