Lately, we’ve been alarmed at the increasing frequency of identity theft. That’s why we’re offering our new Identity Protection Package. It comes with our Identity Protection Pledge. We’re offering both for free. That’s right: absolutely free. Never will we ask you to pay any money at any time. No upfront payment. Never. Ever. At least not initially. Or directly. At least not directly. We’ll never ask for your money directly. We’ll never directly ask you for money. Only initially. But indirectly.

Publication Date: February 28, 2009.

The Pledge is as follows:James Tantum’s February
–James Tantum
We are very fortunate to have James Tantum as a contributor for this issue. James has painstakingly recorded the events of his life in calendar form. Handcrafted calendars are available from James. This is his February. What’s yours?

Grease is the Word
–Steve Wright
Discharged from the French army for a fierce bout of nostalgia, our Swiss hero moves to the United States and starts a rock band in an idealized Chapel Hill circa 1993. Music that drips with nostalgia without nostalgic lyrics. The pre-post-ironic era. What makes it all tick?

Vers Une Pioneer
–Andrew Wasson
A discussion of the contours of the concept frontier. A glorious sunrise. Reds and Yellows. Grab your triangulation gear, we’re going to Panera. This is New Pioneers 101

Hotel Toiletries: Untapped Profit Potential
–Doug Bennett
At Dairy River, we are always looking for ways of banking some coin. Takery’s investment unit is agile and forward-thinking. It is especially interested in assets it can obtain for nothing or next to nothing. It is especially good at hording. It is not afraid of anything. It will pummel you.

Art Crime: Why Graffiti Will Always Be an Outsider Form of Art
–Ari Berenbaum
Will grafitti ever be prominently featured in an internationally renowned museum? Will the sands of time scrub away the underclass connotations to the point where docents and schoolchildren learn about “b-boys” in the same historical context that we look at fops and dandies? A. Berenbaum presides.

High School Musings: Physical Assault and the Hierarchy of Coolness
–Ronald Patrick Bossert
In his new column, “High School Musings: A Reflection of 90s Culture in the Academic Arena,” Dr. Bossert leads with his first installment, “Physical Assault and the Hierarchy of Coolness.” A systematic exposition and analysis of regional variation. Gleek not lest ye be gleeked.