Shoplifter Stuffs Chainsaw Down His Pants

If you were a criminal and needed to shoplift a chainsaw from a retail establishment discreetly, safely, and efficiently, how would you go about it? An Oklahoma man allegedly chose a novel method: stuffing it down his shorts.

The effect was not subtle. A store employee told reporters, “I seen the bar between his legs. It was pretty obvious. Imagine it in the front of your pants.”

The perpetrator then left the chainsaw behind and dove headfirst into a nearby waterway, where he was apprehended and arrested.

Police say that the man may have been intoxicated. We anxiously await the sale of the movie rights.