A common misconception is that those who have dreadlocks do not wash their hair, but this is usually not the case. Many dreadlock care regimens require the wearer to wash their hair up to twice a week.

Twice a week?!? No wonder so many people in Portland are unemployed. With a demanding haircare schedule like that, who has time to work?

Anyway, you'll be glad to know his victim was not seriously hurt:

The woman was taken to a Portland hospital where she was treated for “numerous, non-life-threatening injuries,” said Sgt. Pete Simpson of the Portland Police Bureau.

The consensus seems to be that one of two things is going to happen during this interview:

1) Lance Armstrong is going to confess to using performance-enhancing drugs;

or

2) He and Oprah are going to spend the entire 90 minutes having passionate sex while Larry King reads aloud from "Fifty Shades of Grey," which will cause everyone in the world to forget the whole doping controversy once and for all.

In the public relations business, scenario number two is what is known as a "pop culture hard reset." It's basically the equivalent of mass electro-shock therapy, only it causes a lot more vomiting.

Either way, as we watched Armstrong stomp to (temporary) victory all those years, who would have thought it would all come down to an Oprah interview? Already it feels like the final episode of "Seinfeld," and just like in that "Seinfeld" all the characters--even the minor ones--are coming back to feast on the media buffet and repeat their famous catch phrases one last time. Even Robert Mackey is writing about it:

"A lot of those people almost ruined that experience for me," notes Robert Mackey, a writer for The New York Times website, referring to writing The Climb, a blogged account of his time riding much of the Tour de France route this summer as a novice cyclist. While the overwhelming number of comments were positive, Mackey found that a group of self-described "bike snobs" kept sparking dozens of "weird, angry" comments that he had to edit, including the bizarre contention that he had no "right" to do what he was doing, or even that he should hand over his bike to a poorer, more "worthy" cyclist—a demand made by the cyclist himself. It was a black-hole conversation, one that produced infinite heat and no light."It was an unbelievable experience—like editing graffiti," remembers Mackey. "It makes you feel awful about the world."

What a literary NIMBY. He didn't have to edit them; rather, he chose to edit them, because apparently he subscribes to the uniquely American view that everybody is supposed to unanimously celebrate everything you do, especially if you've spent large sums of money in order to do it. If you want to pretend everyone in the world thinks what you're doing is fantastic, you probably shouldn't write about it on the Internet.

No, the proper venue for that sort of self-mythologizing is the Oprah show.

Anyway, no doubt there will be Oprah viewing parties next Thursday at bars everywhere, though the roadies won't be attending since 9:00pm is way past their bedtime, and also they're almost as afraid of bars as they are of dirt. Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Oprah without including this:

I'm looking forward to having a good cry as I always do while watching Oprah, as well as to hard-hitting questions like, "What is a bike?"

Speaking of denial, awhile back I mentioned a film called "I Am Not A Hipster," and while I'm far too lazy to find the post in which I mentioned it, the filmmakers wanted me to let you know that it's showing in New York this Thursday. Here's their new trailer:

As you can see, this movie has something for everyone, assuming everyone is a hipster. There are butts:

And hairstyles:

And fixie geared bikes:

And butts:

And also reviews:

Is that even supposed to be good?

Here's another review:

That's a blurb that, because of all the commas, I don't know if, he means he fell in love with the movie, or he fell in love with, hipsters.

I should disclose that the filmmakers have offered to send me a DVD of the movie, but I'm not going to accept. That's because I'm a total hipster, and I only watch movies on VHS. Everybody knows DVDs are the Armani Exchange of video formats. Also, I don't want to give away the ending, but it turns out the main character has a stalker from Portland who strangles him to death with his dreadlocks. Think "Talk Radio," only with dreadlocks instead of Jew-fros:

(I don't think Eric Bogosian is Jewish, but the character he played in "Talk Radio" was, which makes this a Jew-fro.)

Actually, there appear to be plenty of Jew-fros in "I Am Not A Hipster" as well, so if you're a total hipster I recommend having a fatal hairstyle VHS film festival and watching both movies back-to-back.

A new team, a fresh start, a blank canvas. The Blanco Pro Cycling Team riders and staff are determined to create an upbeat and transparent future. We will play a role in taking cycling to where it belongs; in the heart and mind of cycling fans around the world. We will build and foster great cycling talent and we will inspire a new generation of riders and fans. The team is committed to perform at the highest level and we will do so in an honest and trustworthy way. We welcome you to join us on this ride. Ride the future.

i was going to ride the future too, but decided to ride a hipster instead. we used his luxurious dreadlocks to tie back undies off to the side of my leg so we could keep our hands free. he tried to strangle me with them too, but that was all planned as we were also listening to 50 shades on audio tape. i don't use audio MP3, i use reel to reel tape to have a more authentic, curated experience with the sound.

...trouble with that, 'jb' is that even an edgy chick who digs the knife / panty thing is gonna lose the mood if you don't stick your throw at the wall...

...i mean, it bounces, takes a chunk out of the sheetrock, almost hits her cat (black, of course), rattles to the floor & you'll be lucky if she doesn't threaten to call her ex & her landlord as she hustles you out the door...

Not a chance, bgw! He's some little squirrelly accountant type w/a Napolean complex you wouldn't believe. He always asks, "Hot date tonight?" One of these days I'm gonna respond, "Nah, just a booty call."

Tool.

And, before anybody gets mad, I dated my accounting prof after college so I have nothing against the fine trade of accounting or teaching for that matter.

I never know what's going on here. I thought Oprah was dead. Wasn't there some scandal about a guy writing a book he really didn't write about Howard Hughes or something? It is all so exhausting. How old is she, anyway? And isn't that Stedman guy the guy from those "interesting dude" beer commercials? How do you all keep up with all this? You have cable, don't you? That must be it. If you ask around the trailer park nobody...not one person has a clue who Lance Armstrong is.

One guy did say "He's that queer, ain't he?" I had to tell him the truth. "No, that's that guy from those fake mexican beer commercials."

I've been driving so long I couldn't remember what day it is, thanks Snobber.

Since it is now possible to strangle someone with your locks, will TSA be instituting a maximum hair length?

Frilly, I have a Neopolitan Complex, does that count against me? But I will be calling on more than just your booty. I shall be accounting for all of your parts, and hopefully we will be teaching each other a few things!

Well I've refueled and replenished my stock of Slim Jims and Moon Pies, back on the road...

Life imitates Art...:I'm the one that killed your precious cat, and stuffed him in your fuckingmailboxIf I only hadn't cut off my hair, I'd choke you with all my dreadlocksWhen I scream at the moon every night (Heh heh!)You shouldv'e known something just ain't right'Cuz I'm gonna slap youAnd the I'm going to kill you('Cuz the moon told me to, and it's watching us right now)

Back in the day Brenda Lee came on real strong. She put me in a sleeper hold and when I woke up three days later my penis had apparently been tattooed with the word TONY on each side. When I get erect it reads TICONDEROGA NEW YORK. True story. Honest.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!