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Lifestyle

The Role of Self-Confidence in Relationships

Be confident when dating

Self-confidence has a strong impact on relationships. A self-confident woman feels secure even when her boyfriend is away from her, and she's comfortable doing things with her own friends without checking in every hour.

Showing that you're with someone because you want to be with them, not because you need to be with them, makes a relationship stronger. It keeps you from being dependent, needy or clingy. Insecurity is a very unattractive trait. It's true that some men might seek women who are insecure, because then they feel she's less likely to leave them. But these aren't the type of men that you want to be in a relationship with.

Build your self-confidence and learn to feel good about yourself and it will be easier to find the right relationship.

Importance of self-confidence

People often underestimate how much self-confidence plays in finding the right relationship, according to Stef Safran, founder of Stef and the City dating service in Chicago.

“When people are confident about who they are, will pick people who are also more self confident. They don't seem as desperate to meet someone and don't want to be in a relationship so they are not alone,” Safran said.

Self-confidence is important because when you feel good about yourself, you are willing to wait to find someone who fits what you want. “If you have interests, friends, family, a life around you, you need someone to enhance your life not who consumes your life,” Safran said.

In addition, people who are self-confident tend to take care of themselves physically and emotionally. If you lack self-confidence, you often allow yourself to be mistreated because you don't feel worthy of someone who treats you well, she said.

“People who are self-confident are able to discuss the relationship and issues that arise; someone who lacks self-confidence worry that discussing the relationship will hurt the relationship rather than help it,” Safran added.

Rosalind Sedacca, a dating coach and mentor and co-author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60!, said that self-confidence is critical to relationship success in many ways.

“It takes awareness, flexibility, great communication skills and the ability to understand your partner’s perspective to make a relationship work. But it all begins with knowing and valuing yourself first. If you don't believe you're a great catch with much to offer your partner, why would anyone else believe it? It takes inner work to recognize your strengths and accept your faults and flaws,” Sedacca said.

Sedacca shared her tips on what confident partners should be aware of before getting into a relationship:

Don’t expect to be “completed,” “saved,” or “fixed.” No one can fill the void in your inner self. You’re setting your partner up for failure if you expect them to fix your problems and love you through your unresolved issues. Do the inner work on yourself first, perhaps with the support of a therapist or coach. Heal your wounds and neediness. Then seek out another soul who has done the same to partner with you.

Be hooked on more than just romance. Happily married couples will tell you that you have to be more than great bedmates to make a real relationship work.

Look for common values, goals, beliefs and interests. Opposites may attract in the short-term, but you want a marriage based on respect and sharing a future together. If your core values and interests are not in alignment, you’re facing a tougher road ahead.

Be your authentic self – and don’t change for a partner’s approval. You can’t fake your way through a marriage. If you hate sports, the internet or pets, state it up front and find a mate who loves you knowing this reality. It’s unfair to hide your true self from your partner and it’s a disservice to yourself pretending to be who you are not. It’s wise to honor who you are. Then look for a partner with high self-esteem who loves themselves as they are. That’s a formula for lasting relationship success.

You can’t use sensuality as a substitute for good sense. Relationships don’t have storybook endings. They require constant attention, the ability to sacrifice and compromise at times, and a heavy dose of respect for the person you brought into your life.

Before setting out in the relationship world, work on your inner demons, let go of the baggage from previous relationships, and take your time in getting to know the special partner you are choosing. There’s no magic wand that will make your relationship succeed, but these guidelines will set you on a course that will circumvent a lot of pot holes along the road to happily ever after.