Archive for October, 2010

Ninjas STAY hittin’ ya boi El Jugo up for advice. Why? I have NO CLUE, but they do it any way. Everything from installing drywall, birthing babies, and how to navigate through relationships.

Needless to say, I can’t be an expert in everything but that’s never stopped me from giving my candid observation. Recently, via my social network friends…I solicited some ideas for blogs. One good one is the matter at hand.

This blog wishes to eloquently answer the age-old question: “Heaux, why are you even still here?”

More plainly, ladies, how do you know when a nigga just isn’t that into you? And before we get in the defensive posture of “I can have any nigga I want”…let’s stop for the sake of reality, NO YOU CAN’T. Just like I can’t have any woman I want (and men appreciate in value with age…but that’s a WHOLE ‘nother blog), most women couldn’t even hold the attention of they babydaddy. And you bore THAT nigga seed.

The reality is, if we (men and women) could detect when our love interest was loosing interest think of how much time, money, texts, gas, and food we could save? This isn’t a relationship blog, this is a blog to empower women to stop tricking off so much damn resource on a nigga who don’t half want yo ass to begin with.

And so it begins…

TOP 4 WAYS TO KNOW A NIGGA’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

1.) Heaux (pronounced HOES). Let’s get some obvious shyt out the way first. Grown men are free to date and entertain whomever we please. Often that involves spending/splitting time with more than one woman. Key Point: if the caliber of the other women I spend time with is of the Heaux variety (and she’s more of a Heaux than you), I’m probably not that into you. Here’s why: if I was reeeeeealy ready to settle down, I’d be entertaining the company of 2 to 3 nice comparable young ladies with unique characteristics, but overall similar things to offer. If I’m still out here being seen with bishes like this one (seen here), then no babygirl, I’m not that into you. And that “she’s just my homegirl from “. C’mon son, who keeps Heaux-friends around that long??

2.) “But, I TOLD you in the beginning…”. Ahhhhh yes. The famous last words of a dying relationship. Every red-blooded American woman (especially sistas) has heard these words and they usually signify the end, or the beginning of the end. This introductory clause is usually followed by a statement of how he slick didn’t want to be all that serious with you in the beginning. If we cut through the emotionalism of you wishing to castrate him (us), you’ll remember ladies…he DID actually tell you in the beginning that he wasn’t that into you or at least not into you “like that”. That, in no way, excuses our triflin’ duplicity for laying up in your bed, waking up with your nose buried all in our chests hugged up, eating your food, taking trips, meeting parents and all that other good shyt. But he DID tell you in the beginning. I’m just sayin…men have a way of legalistically saying what our intentions are.

3.) “Friends…how many of us have them?”Classic rap hook, from a classic rap song. But let’s be for real: how long can two people be intimately “friends” without a relationship if he’s REEEEEALLY into you? I’ve never ever in my life looked across a crowded room at a beautiful woman and thought…ummmm I really want to be her friend. WTF? Sure men and women can be platonic, non-sexual, friends…but if we’ve been having relations (lackluster or otherwise) for more than 90 days, and YOU want more and he hasn’t budged. Ummmm, yeah, he’s not that into you.

4.) The Myth of The Fantastic Relations. *long drawn out sigh* This one is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you. Men lie. This we know. We lie about things great and small. So why on earth do you, or would you believe us when we tell you *Drake voice* you’re the best we ever had?? The reality is, just like “Dymes” [previously discussed here] are a rarity…so too is really really good p***y. I know, for most women this may come as a shock based on how frequently we continue to partake in your goods, but KNOW THIS: some p***y is better than NO p***y. Reconcile that in your spirit. Men, being primarily egotistical, rationalize how much we spent [time, money, conversation, food *sigh* and even Moscato] to get inside, and fell (dare I say) obligated to continue to smash. *looks around and leans in to whisper* if he’s coming through and satisfying you for more than ehhhh 11 minutes, you PROBABLY don’t have that fire; if you did, he wouldn’t last more than 11 minutes (think about it). And “d*ck control* is just something we tell you, a myth if you will, to justify why it seems like it takes forever to get ours. So ladies, just because he falls thru every homecoming, first Sunday, leap year, holiday, and Tuesday of the month…doesn’t mean he’s into you, you’re probably just more available than the one he really wants.

Real talk…I could go on all day. I’m sure you could too. I’m also sure this is going to get me unfollowed and unfriended in record numbers. But ol El Jugo gotta tell it anyhow.

There has always been a propensity amongst African Americans to incorperate hip hop language into our daily vocabularies. From the skits on The Chronic that started the “Deez Nuts” craze to Beyonce’s smash hits “Irreplaceable” and “Put a Ring on It” that fooled many women to actually think that they were worthy of the latter or that the man didn’t really mind getting pushed “to the left”.

To the guy who places his gold plated chain over the neck of the female he’s dancing with as Jay-Z raps “I got the hottest chick in the game wearing my chain” (well he might, but you don’t) to the same chick he dances with that calls her crew 5 Star Chicks (bish please). We’ve always been heavily influence (in an unhealthy way) by hip hop cliche’s. Not to say that our parents weren’t influence by the lingo that derived from Black exploitation films, but through the growth of social networking we have been inaudated with cheezy ass words (see Grindin‘). Certain phrases should be reserved to the author of those phrases or to the person that is really grindin’ (i.e. Mark Zuckenberg or Puffy). Nigga you get off at 5pm like the rest of us !

As Fonzworth Bentley and Keri Hilson eulogized the word “movement’ at this years BET Hip Hop Awards I want to have a moment of silence for the Top 5 Over Used Phrases of 2010.

1. Kanyeshrug – Haven’t we seen enough of this? I thought this was supposed to be used if you said something that was kinda tongue-in-cheek or just plain ole assholish, the kanyeshrug become the proverbial exclamation point in 2010. I just want to return to this (!).

2. All Black Everything (or any other color u decide to wear from head to toe). *sigh*Can I get you to just color contrast ? This term is usually said in the same tone or voice projectory of #3

3. “Its Goin’ Down” . I mean really? Could you be more specific? The same raggedy ass “all White” party that you throw all summer is really going to be better than it was last week? Nigga get the fcuk outta here with that dingy linen walkin’ suit.

4.Let’s Go (often pronounced “legg-‘go”)– Usually used when one thinks they have done or said something profound or just made a really big announcement. It has the style of the Bishop Eddie Long walk -off after he told his congregation he had 4 stones and all that other shit, whilst still maintaining the lameness of a Yung Berg tweet written all over it. This should only be used if you are going to an all white party in the Hamptons that benefits breast cancer. Or if you are on 106 and Park announcing your world premier video (emphasis on “your”)

5. “So You Fancy Huh” – Just another song that encourages self professed Barbies to dance solo in the club. …..(I mean after you finish your dance with the guy with the gold plated chain). You’re not fancy. You SHOULD keep your nails and toes done. Your weave SHOULD look believable. Stop assuming just because I decided to wear my new cardigan to work that it gives you the right to say “You Fancy Huh”. No, I just wanna look nice and adhere to the company’s dress code policy. I’ma start asking fat chicks, “You Hungry Huh”

**ashes to ashes dust to dust**

Are there any other phrases that need to join this memorial ? The NinjaParade would like to know.

“She wants to live for once. But doesn’t quite know what that means. Wonders if she has ever done it. If she ever will. The preacher is odious to her. She wants to strike him out of the way, out of her light, with the back of her hand. It seems to her he has always been standing in front of her, barring her way.” – quote from Alice Walker’s short story entitled “Roselily” in her work: In Love & Trouble

I’ve hosted an e-thread with some friends for the past 5+ years. We’re scattered across the US, with busy schedules etc. So the thread serves, as one regular commented as “a black friend at work”. Throughout the day we discuss politics, race, religion, sex, etc…or some plain ol ignant shyt. One of the things I’ve noticed over the years is our fascination with why (or why not) black women seem to struggle in relationships.

I’ve always presumed that sistas do waaaay better than we suspect and that the media reports; and that there are often unexplored factors that affect and make courtship and court-ing a black woman a unique experience, in and of itself. To that, I think a lot of black women are doing fine.

This, of course, could be pure conjecture since I’m bombarded with images of black women who appear to be “hard up” for a man, or depicted as being uber-educated and having to “settle” for the neighborhood dopeman with a GED and 23 kids. Not sure how true this is. Add to that, there’s the looming presumption that every single black woman is in a hurry to get married, or get married at all.

The idea that pickin’s are slim and women are thirsty may have a lot of truth to it…or does it? I conducted a semi-scientific survey of 315 women. The only qualifier is that they be black and not currently engaged or married. I was surprised, to say the least, by what was said and not said. But then again, I did do this shyt via text message so folk pretty much had to keep their responses to under 140 characters.

I’ll share a summary of my findings and offer commentary. Note: I AM NOT in any way attempting offer solutions or advice. Quite the contrary, just observations based on my own biased view and their responses to a direct follow up question: Do you think there’s a reason you aren’t married?. Besides, listening to me on some relationship shyt may very well land a chick sent-off more than she was in the beginning.

So here’s what I found.

The “Yes” Girls. Surprise, surprise…277 of 315 women gave a firm yes to wanting to be married. We call all imagine the ol India.Irie I’m ready for love lookin ass woman taking classes and toning up her arms via ShakeWeight in the hopes of snagging Mr. Right. That may not be a surprise, but some of the reasons (see below) may be.

The Break-Down: (in no particular order)

1) The Believing God for a Man Congregation [1.6%]. SWEET JESUS!!! Shockingly, in response to a direct follow-up asking if they thought there was a reason they were not married, only 5 (yes, 5) women said it was because God hadn’t sent them the right one/he hadn’t found her. Dang. I guess God really isn’t Chuck Wollery/E-harmony…or at least not as many folk believe that as I suspected.

2)The League of Extraordinary Man-Less Women [10.1%] I love a woman that get’s right to the damn point. 32 of the respondents said they simply didn’t have a man, or hadn’t had a man, as their reason for not being married. I don’t know how much thought it took to conjure up that shyt, but it shole does make sense because not having a man is essential to the plot (although more than one woman jokingly, or not so much, suggested women may be an option if shyt doesn’t clear up in these streets). So count these femme-fundamentalists as practical, if nothing else. One relatively man-less woman did note: “I fcuk up relationships”. It’s mean in these skreets.

3) “IMX aka the group formerly known as Immature”. [35.2%] The largest group of respondents was the “…I’m not/wasn’t ready” as the reason they aren’t currently married. Maaaaaan what the fcuk??? This was blowing my mind as I was reading the texts. It trumped my idea that women came out the womb picking out colors and sampling cake and already had their engagement ring acceptance speech, complete with “cry + scream + hug/kiss” routine perfected. You mean you muh’fukas aren’t even READY??? Word? Damn homie, but as Shakespeare would say…to thy own self be true. Damn, 111?? Dah welp.

4) The Lookin’ for Luh In All The Wrong Places Philanthropic Society [25.1%] If I was a betting man, I would’ve bet this would’ve been the #1 answer before I sent out my text. It’s no slouch though with 79 respondents. The number of women who flagrantly admitted to falling for the wrong guy was just plain sad…but honest. They’re philanthropic because presumably they give it up to the needy with no real expectation of anything in return. Some of them responded that they had been approached by “Nice Guys” (I warned you about that shyt fellas, see here) who were ready to settle down and that these guys weren’t their type. I’m not surprised. What did surprise me was what wasn’t said. NOT ONE woman said the selection of men wasn’t adequate or implied that there weren’t enough men to go around. Hmmmm….

5) The “Oh, Hell No” Faction. [11.1%] 34 of the 315 don’t want to get married. I really thought this number would be a little bit higher. I know that not every woman wants to be Molly Homemaker, or even a fake ass Real Housewife of the Southeast Side of Chicago. Most of them said they either had some deep-seeded concerns about the institution of marriage that they wanted no parts of…or they just flat out liked being single and dating whom they pleased. Needless to say, the latter, are my kind of girls. *making telephone sign with my hand and placing up to ear* Call me.

6) The “Honey…you decide” Click. [6.6%] It just wouldn’t be right if there weren’t women who won’t/can’t/don’t make up their mind on ANYTHING…including whether they want to get married or not. Not so surprisingly, the 21 who weren’t sure…kinda all had the same lack of reasoning for not being sure. Which was a confirmation that there existed a group of women that had put very little thought into any of this shyt. *shakes head*

7) The Lone Ranger [0.3%] One woman commented that the reason she wasn’t married is because she hasn’t done working on self. She noted that her professional and academic achievements were primary, and relationships were secondary. A stark contrast of media images that all/most “successful” black women are social misfits that do nothing but read legal briefs, masturbate to Idris Elba internet photos, and eat ice cream with their toy dogs. That said, at least she KNOWS what her priorities are, which is at least two steps better than the chicks who have no clue what they want to do but still want me to pay for dinner.

8.) Baby Mama Drama. [10.1%] When asked directly why did some of the hopeful women think they weren’t currently married: 32 of them responded because they had a child/kids. I thought this was interesting since when I probed these responses for more text-insight, they said that having a kid didn’t hurt their dating life….or even their ability to have “a man”, but definitely was huge stumbling block when it came to getting men to commit to doing more than being a boyfriend.

Neo Negro– an educated African-American male or female who denounces all things “Black” in an effort to appear more affluent or intellectual than they really are. They often believe that accepting or siding with famo’s/kinfolk or shi# regular black people do will tarnish they’re social class and make them appear less like the stereotypical nigga. [Sidenote: These niggas fail to believe that some stereotypes are true (or at least rooted in truth) and not all stereotypes are bad to run from.]

Since I’ve graduated from college and matriculated into American Society, I’ve noticed some strange occurences amongst some African-Americans, and our response to images in pop culture that are defining and re-defining what it is to be black, and/or what do black people like to “do”.

I’m not suggesting that one can even define blackness or blanketly say what black people like to do, since our community isn’t (and never has been) entirely monolithic in its self-understanding or activities. I will suggest, however, that by definition of “culture” there have to be some shared or relatable things that are commonly black. I say all that to say this…some niggas just gotta be different.

Enter, the Neo-Negro.

It’s one thing for a person to expand his/her horizons beyond what may have been afforded to them in the traditional black community, like water polo, skiing, horse-back riding, or trying different types of wine for example (The Moscato-ization of Black America). It’s another thing when niggas are trying this shyt for the sole purposes of being different…and because “niggas ain’t up on this”.

But being a Neo-Negro apparently isn’t about simply trying new things for the sake of appearing different from the niggas in front of the liquor store. Nope. It’s simultaneously, about dismissing things that these niggas KNOW they like.

Before I go all in on the tomfoolery that these uppity negroes/negresses do, allow me to share an intriguing and heart-felt testimony from a recovering Neo-Negro (yes, there is hope).

I too was once a neo negro. Let’s start with the background. Most neo negroes have a firm, traditional African American foundation–be it a black high school, a black college, or both. For me, it was the Historically Black College/University experience that brought out my neo negroism. Essentially, neo negroes are always tryna be on some different sh!t…culturally. I found myself tired and bored of much of the “negroisms” at my HBCU and gravitated towards a lot of interests that my white counterparts had. For me it was easy because I went to high school with some white folk. For others however, the sharp cultural contrast of mainstream society serves as both a challenge and an intrigue. I don’t know what it is that drives neo negroes…call it black frustration or simply being sick of niggas, but it is definitely born out of a mild yearning to be “different” from the rest [of us]. In a sense, black folk in America have always had neo negro tendencies…look at reconstruction, the period after civil rights, shopping malls and suburban white neighborhoods turned black, and the back-pack era of hip hop (including this new fascination with moscoto). What sets the neo negro apart though is his education and his motivation. You see, hood folk/ famo’s/ kinfolk…(basically, niggas) are simply in search of something better. Neo negroes on the other hand are in search of something different. What is it that kills neo negroism? What brings a neo negro “back”? Simple and plain; it’s the actualization that things aren’t as sweet on the other side as he thought. It’s the realization these folk don’t love your black ass, and the reality that black…at it’s finest…really is beautiful. For those who fail to understand such spontaneously, their neo negro tendancies are sadly eliminated by a bad experience with “others.” What did it for me? A combination of all of the above. Unfortunately, many neo negroes never really have a chance to become immersed in the culture(s) they so desperately attempt to emulate. That is what causes many of them to become stuck as neo negroes. You can’t tell them that their thinking is flawed, and there is no way for them to learn otherwise due to their lack of cultural exposure. Ironically though, neo negroes mistakenly think that they are fully exposed to “others.”There are more black women neo negroes than men…for obvious reasons that I do not need to expand upon. Additionally, there are alot of HBCU graduates that are neo negroes given the backgrounds/ qualities that led them to HBCUs in the first place and also their lack of cultural diversity during the integral years of becoming adults. Interestingly, lower SES blacks and higher SES blacks are the least likely to be neo negroes for reasons one should be able to extrapolate from the above.

The Top 5 Things Neo-Negros do that should get they asses locked out of all family reunions, barber shops and beauty salons:

1) Rejecting Moscato Wine. This is a tough one for me, because I already slick clowned niggas for hood-i-fying the tasty dessert wine…but being a Neo-Negro is about disturbing balance. Funny thing is, because of the Neo-negroes relative level of cultural exposure, they probably had already had…and perhaps even liked, Moscato, before it became a Drake punch-line that had every 27-pieced weave wearing hood-queen ordering it at their local club. But because these Neo-negro niggas KNOW that they like it, to stop partaking in Moscato purely because your sister’s hair stylist keeps a four-pack in the back-seat of her Grand Am is about as Neo-Negro as you get.

2) Social Network Hopping. Ya’ll DO realize it was Neo-Negroes, not Facebook, that killed Myspace right? These Neo-negro niggas act like the cousin who’s mama works at the post office and doesn’t live in the projects when it comes to social networking sites. They dangled Facebook in the face of hood-niggas trying to build bootleg mixtape empires on Myspace because, at first, you had to have a verifiable college email address (remember?). Once FB opened that shyt up to Pookie ‘nem, now these niggas wanna get mad and go to Twitter? Guess what, the hood niggas is coming there too with ignant (and often HILARIOUS) commentary. So what next, Skype? Bill Gates and Al Gore should slap the shyt out you niggas for fcukin up they internet like this. *smh*

3) Throwing shade at Drake, and any other less-than-hood rapper. Clearly, these Neo-Negroes mess the internet up for everyone, but they starting to fcuk up the rap game too? These niggas get behind and generate all this buzz surrounding a legitimately talented artist who may be on the less-edgy side in terms of content, largely because they think hood niggas don’t have access to the internet or underground rap (both false). They champion these clean-cut artists until the moment niggas in the Gucci Mane crowd learn a few bars and a hook, then….ehhhhh they stop fcuking with him, maybe not entirely…but the murmurs of the Neo-Negro speak volumes. Drake album should’ve been “Thank Me Now“, if he knew how many of his fans who could actually relate to him would slick take a step back once ALL of hip-hop fans embraced him. Dah welp.

4) The Winter Olympics. You niggas know good and GOT DAMN WELL you ain’t never cared about the Winter Olympics a day in yo damn life. But you on live-tweeted the WHOLE opening ceremony. Really? Go to hell.

5) Foods with Racial Undertones. I have a dear friend of mine who won’t eat watermelon (and probably chicken) in the presence of whyte folk. I’ve even been in racially mixed company and offered hot sauce to Smarty Art blacks, purely to see if I can expose their Neo-Negrodom…there’s always one. Niggas act like they been on orange ruffy and kielbasa they whole lives: GET THE FCUK OUTTA HERE! Food is arguably the foundation of culture. Even if you didn’t grow up in “the hood”, you probably enjoyed some regional variation of soul food. To reject that in the presence of whytes and/or to turn your nose up at blacks who do partake is PURE Neo-Negro activity and makes me wanna flick an empty mini-tub of sauce from the Harold’s on 87th & the Ryan right in the middle of yo damn fo’head. #thatisall

Honorable Mention: Not Beating Yo Kids…*sigh* even if your parents did have to beat the breaks off you for you to learn the meaning of “sat yo ass down because if you embarrass me in here I will embarrass you”, don’t mean that wouldn’t have, and doesn’t mean you shouldn’t when your little weird ass shorty is screaming in McDonald’s tombout what he will and won’t eat.

~El Jugo

If you like this blog….you’ll love this one from a few weeks ago. (click here)