Me and my husband have been together for seven years and have one child together. Lately he has been going to more work drinks and staying out later than normal when he does.

With a small child we don’t get much time together so him wanting to spend his free time with work colleagues over me has already caused some rows.

I know I shouldn’t have but when he was in the shower I looked through his phone. He had put a passcode on his WhatsApp so I couldn’t check that, but on his Facebook, I saw some messages from a girl he works with.

There was nothing explicit but they were chatting about nights out and how much fun they had, how much they were looking forward to the next one and talking about lunches out together on work days.

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He has never even mentioned this girl’s name to me, or that they go for lunch together and as far as I knew I knew all his work friends, and I normally send him to work with a packed lunch. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to confront him with what I know without admitting I went through his phone.

Please reply.

Ailbhe

Hi Ailbhe,

Thanks so much for getting in touch. I can only imagine how hard it must be to admit to yourself that something may be amiss in your marriage - never mind admitting it to a stranger - so you should be very proud of yourself for taking this first step. The important thing to remember here is that while some of your observations point to the possibility of unsavoury behaviour from your husband, none of them actually confirm it. So for now, I would advise that we give him the benefit of the doubt, and consider these recent instances in a rational way.

I normally wouldn’t agree with snooping through the correspondences of a significant other, but do ya know what Ailbhe? Sometimes we have to get our Nancy Jaysus Drew on (tell no one!) and have a gander, particularly if we’re feeling a little apprehensive about things in the first place. Nine times out of ten, we’re swiftly reassured when we realise that there’s nothing to worry about, and any alleged playing away from home is just a result of our own paranoia.

Sometimes, the person in question is simply making time for themselves. Often when we spend so long with someone, we can begin to only recognise ourselves as part of a unit, and not necessarily as our own individual selves. This can manifest in a desire to take up activities or social engagements without any other halves in tow, and I think we can both agree that that’s totally acceptable for the most part. However, I don’t like the fact that your husband is, as you’ve now discovered, keeping you in the dark about certain things. But, I wonder is he perhaps sparing you any worry by choosing to leave out certain details?

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Let’s get our head around the details here, and focus on what you can do within rhyme and reason to ease any qualms you may have. First of all, you say that your husband is going out for lunch with a colleague - that’s grand! He probably wants to get out of the office and stretch his legs, and sure we wouldn’t hold that against him now would we? Of course, you’re asking yourself why he hasn’t told you? And if you’re making him lunches, is he just throwing them in the bin? The fear over confronting him about this is that you don’t want to sound like a nagging parent, querying the actualities of a relatively mundane task. I would perhaps have a general chat about his day when he comes home from work - how was his commute in, did he enjoy his lunch etc etc.

He may eventually tell the truth and say that he’s actually been enjoying going out for a break at lunch, and that he doesn’t want to burden you any longer by having you make it for him. If he doesn’t get to this honesty by himself, then I would perhaps play some of your own cards and tell him that if it was ok with him, you’d rather stop making his lunch for him for a while as you’re simply too busy looking after the baby. He will then eventually have to answer your query about his new lunch habits - if the elimination of certain details continues, then it’s time to possibly take action.

Miss Marple action aside, I think this problem will be ultimately resolved with communication between you and your husband. You need to confide in him and tell him that although you’ve had a baby, you’re still the lady that he fell in love with and created a family with. With this in mind, remind him that you both need to make time for your marriage and maintain the love that you have for each other, and this can be done with something as simple as a date night once a week - dinner, drinks, or even a trip to the cinema. And Ailbhe, don’t be afraid to be honest with your husband - I know things may seem a little askew at the minute, but often a small problem can lead to an incredibly exaggerated one when it’s left in silence for a prolonged time.

As I’ve said - do a little (subtle) detective work, suss things out, and if it comes to it - have a frank discussion with the man that you love, and tell him that you (and your child) just need more from him. Stand your ground gal, and don’t let a few texts get you down.

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