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the hobbled nympho

Mandatory, I suppose, and the reason why is that she took umbrage to a few anti-Semitic remarks by other bar patrons. This enraged the petite Semite who apparently went Sharia all over the bar. The long arms of the law embraced her and she ends up in Briarcliff, where ‘treatment’ is to begin the next morning. This little morsel will serve as a delightful experimental blank canvas for the likes of a sadist like asylum hatchet man–and I mean that literally–Dr. Ardin.

Speaking of, he injects Chloe the nympho whose legs he hacked off right around the knee during last week’s episode with something that he says could would/could make her live forever. I am assuming that she’ll soon be one of the creatures living on sloppy human seconds out in the woods.

Meanwhile, Lana The Reporter and psychiatrist, Dr. Threadson are becoming friends. He admits to her that he doesn’t think she’s ill–ill being a big ol’ Lesbian and furthermore, he thinks he can cure what ails her.

Uh-huh.

Meanwhile, the new girl is in the Common Room writing someone with the monotonous Singing Nun warbling on the Victrola in the background. Lana warns her that she’ll get a caning if anyone see’s her writing. She puts her pen away just as Dr. Ardin strolls into the Common Room. A look of recognition rushes over her face and she approaches him.

Okay, let’s check the math of this new plot dealio. Anne Frank was 15 when she died in Bergen-Belsen. Now, had Annie survived as she explained to Sister Jude, she’d be around 34 in 1964. Plausible for plot purposes? I guess so. The woman claiming to be Anne Frank looked 34-ish. She explained that she had actually survived the Death Camp but was very sick with typhus during its liberation and in the ensuing mayhem, slpped by unnoticed. She was able to recuperate and eventually married an American soldier who brought her to the States. She said she learned of her celebrity status when she realized her diary had been published, but insisted on living an anonymous life in the US so the legacy of an amazing 15-year-old whose diary would become required reading for every school age kid on the planet…except maybe Afghanistan…would endure.

She also told Jude that she recognized Arden as Hans Gruber a high-ranking Nazi SS physician who was stationed at Auschwitz, where Anne and several members of her family were initially taken after their arrest . She said he practiced all kinds of horrific experiments, especially on women. He’d pick an inmate, take her into his lab from Hell. She’d return days..sometimes .weeks later as some kind of spaced-out zombie.

Her character has the slightest German accent. Nice touch.

Meanwhile, two detectives pay Briarcliff a visit. They want to speak to Dr. Arden about roughing up that prostitute in Episode Two. Remember the one he made wear a nun habit and show him her ‘mossy banks”. She apparently pressed charges and told them about those kinky photos she found in a dresser drawer WHICH included Nazi stuff.

MOST RIDICULOUS SCENE OF THE EVENING

In Dr. Threadson’s treatment of Lana includes aversion therapy. She’s forced to look at slides of women in various cheesecake poses. She’s also been given morphine–I think–which makes her throw up periodically. The theory is that she’ll soon associate a pic of a hot chick with abject nausea, hence aversion therapy. When that doesn’t seem to work, he brings in an Ashton Kutcher lookin’ fella who’s nude and tells Lana to study his parts. She does and nothing happens. Threadson tells her to reach out and touch him, she does, then he tells her to touch herself.

She does, but only ends up puking. A reaction I could have predicted.

As this goes down (or doesn’t go down) Sister Jude has gone to Briarcliff head collar in charge–we’ll call him Maxie Priest— to tell him that Dr. Arden has got to go. He’s a perv and a war criminal. When the Bishop asks her how she knows the latter bit o’info, she tells him that Anne Frank, the new inmate told her. He looks at her with a feigned look of incredulousness–mainly because he knows that cat is a perv and a war criminal. In fact, when Jude leaves his office, he calls Arden to tell him the jig up and to ‘take care of any housekeeping”. Aw man, what a downer!! He gets this news JUST as grabs a fresh new syringe with the hobbled nympho’s name on it.

Jude is also battling with the fact that Sister Satan has busted her about her drinking. She told Maxie Priest that Jude was a drunken pile of crap when addressing the inmates after the movie during the storm. She redeems herself and her guilt by threatening to beat AND neuter Grace (the French chick) and Tate (whose accent gets more Bostonian as each episode progresses) for getting caught having sex in the kitchen while making bread.

We also learn later that Arden still intends to have a little fun by forcing Anne Frank into his lab. He’s angry that she’s been telling everyone he’s Nazi sadist, Dr. Hans Gruber.

She says nien, nien! He vas most certainly at Auschwitz.

Nien, nien insists Herr Doctor. He’s from Scottsdale.

HA! Great line.

He then locks the door so the fun can begin, but she pulls out a gun, one she pick-holstered from one of the detectives who came to Briarcliff to investigate Miss Mossy Bank’s accusations. She shoots Arden in the thigh and demands he gives her the keys. He does and when she opens the door, she finds the legless nympho in a various state of physical transformation. Her face was all contorted.

Forgive me for saying this, but I looked at that screen and I know that was a banged-up Hank Williams, Jr–minus the beard, shades and attitude–lying on the filthy laboratory floor begging to be shot in order to be taken out of her his/misery.

IN CLOSING

Tonight’s episode was strange. It was more disjointed than usual and almost completely devoid of Sister Satan who’s quickly becoming my favorite character. Previews indicate she’ll be back next week BUT the big question is–will Lana be back?????

Threadson’s brief tour of duty at Briarcliff is almost up. He told Lana that he fully intends to take her with him when he leaves. He doesn’t know how he’ll do it, but he says she’s going home, which in plot-speak, is a cue for something dire to happen to one or both of them.

I think Threadson has the hots for Lana. Her lesbianism is a kinky, turn on to him and her so-called treatment and cure are just ruses. If he can free her from Briarcliff, perhaps he thinks she’ll be grateful and offer up a little sampling of her mossy banks.

Then again, he ALSO said that he saw a lot of himself in her. Perhaps THAT means he’s a big old closet queen and by getting intoher head (maybe literally speaking) he can wrap his head around his own homosexuality.

But before we put this bad boy to bed, let’s take a gander at the current character salad that’s being tossed before our very eyes: we now have walking dead, flesh-eating forest creatures, carotid artery dwelling spiders, space aliens, serial killers that wear fleshy masks, chronic masturbators (that scene with chronic handyman was HIGH-larious yet somewhat disturbing), Lizzie Borden ax wielding killers, more entrails on display than at a butcher’s shop, the reincarnation of Anne Frank, a Dr. Mengele wanna-be, lesbians, threats of sterilization, one hobbled nymphomaniac, a nunlet possessed by Satan him or herself and one fantasy of Lana winning a HUGE award for in-depth reporting of all the atrocities at Briarcliff. Then the scene in which she explains how she escaped, segues to her entering Threadson’s office asking when they can begin therapy. So then does that mean her winning the award a fantasy? Was it a flash forward? A flash backward per chance?????

I think the writers are putting plot lines in a salad spinner and whatever manages to break the grip of centrifugal force and float our of the opening, gets inserted into the script that coming week. Seriously.What’s left?? I guess I’m waiting for the episode featuring a transgendered witch named Rolley, a Visigoth who’s into tartan plaids and a talking ocelot with a penchant for baking pretzels.

AHS is….was and always will be as illogical as a Pollock painting. I don’t even think Dr. Arden could dissect its plotline appropriately.