Lindy West

Attention, penises of the internet: Unless you're living in Boise, San Jose, San Francisco, Plano, Seattle, or Burlington, you could really do better and you should probably move. For the 12th year in a row, Men's Health has compiled a scientifically definitive list of America's "Best Cities for Men." In response, the state of Idaho has erected an enormous billboard that says, "KEVIN'S ROOM. KEEP OUT."

Boise, which jumped from fifth place last year, scored high marks for the physical and mental health of its residents, its low crime rate and short commuting times - an average of just 18 minutes.

...San Francisco, which consistently ranks high in the annual list, impressed with its small percentage of obese people, low number of smokers and highly educated and generally fit population.

...At the opposite end of the list, high cancer rates, violent crime and poor fitness levels assured Birmingham last place. In addition to Philadelphia and Charleston, West Virginia, the bottom five included Toledo, Ohio and St. Louis, Missouri.

...The magazine compiled the list, now in its 12th year, by ranking the cities on criteria ranging from the cost of living, number of jobless, obesity, crime and death rates, to air quality and the ratio of men to women.

Wait, guys, I think you spelled all of those words wrong. What you meant to say was: "The magazine compiled the list, now in its 12th year, by ranking the cities on criteria ranging from the cost of penis cream, number of muscles, adherence to the No Fatties Accord of 1916, fedora and Frisbee rates, to craft beer quality and the ratio of pull-up bars to Jamba Juices."

There. I fixed it. I mean, there must have been some mistake, because your original criteria sounds like quality of life for ALL HUMAN BEINGS. Unless "men" are somehow more into not getting violently crimed to death than women are. God, women are such posers when it comes to breathing. Listen, lady, aspirating is a man's work.