For nearly two decades, Sports Illustrated has stirred the tea leaves to discern a weekly Sign of the Apocalypse. Deadspin salutes the magazine's ongoing effort to cover the end of times but declines to cede the scoop on the biggest event in world history.

The stuff of prophecy, truly. Deadspin saw similar dark portents in the events of the week. Like what, you demand. Well, what about the Bengals cheerleader who boinked a high school student, now talking about going steady, after pleading guilty to sexual misconduct? Or that wacky New York Post headline that inadvertently suggested a recently deceased gentleman would be managing a Yankees playoff game? Or when the wife of Auburn's head football coach exhorted fans via Facebook to "RISE UP and snatch back what satan, himself, has stolen," presumably Auburn's football dignity?