Final Word

By Jeff Girod

Wieners! We all either have one or know one. And it’s time for a frank discussion.

New York congressman Anthony Weiner encountered a not-so-tiny problem last week when a photo of an erect penis (you heard me) in tight-fitting underwear was sent from his Twitter account to a 21-year-old female college student in Seattle. The real problem “arose” when the photo also went public to Weiner’s more than 40,000 Twitter followers.

Weiner first insisted he didn’t send the photo. He said his Twitter account had been hacked. Hacked, I tell’s you!

Though curiously the congressman could neither confirm nor deny that the photo was of his own penis. Talk about a head scratcher. Weiner didn’t recognize his own wiener? How many Flickr albums does this guy have?

After more than a week of media interviews and ball juggling, Weiner finally held a press conference Monday and admitted that—surprise!— he had, in fact, sent the Twitter image of his penis. The married congressman also confessed that, for the past three years, he’s been chatting online and making intimate phone calls to at least six women not named Mrs. Weiner. He’d also apparently been texting lewd photos like little winkie Evites.

Meanwhile newspapers had a field day with the “head” lines: Weiner Exposed! Weiner Roast! Probe could give Weiner Headaches! And my personal favorite: Bulge battle puts Weiner in a Pickle!

But if we have learned anything from this (other than being thankful that the congressman’s last name isn’t TwoGirlsOneCup), it’s this: Being naked is OK. Being naked on Twitter is not OK. Sharing your private parts in the same room with a loved one? Get it on! Sexting your bits and pieces to a 21-year-old coed, especially when you’re a married politician preparing to run for mayor of New York City? Nuh-uh. No go. Bad idea!

Here’s a platform for you, congressman: Nobody wants to see a picture of your junk. Wait. Let me rephrase that. Nobody wants to see a picture of your junk unless it’s part of a penis tough-man competition and it’s towing a 747, or if you’ve drunkenly fallen and it’s been punctured by a wrought-iron fence. Now those are photos everyone wants to see—as part of a new Fox special called World’s Scariest Wieners!

But penises are not super-sexy because even the most attractive man looks a little ridiculous naked. Men don’t have the same contours as women, because our “mandeliers” just dangle between our legs like a sad, fleshy piñata. And no amount of lighting or artistic posing is going to make anyone who gets an emailed photo of a penis think, “Land’s sakes, fetch me a mint julep and sign me up for a loving spoonful of that!”

What kind of doofus sends a photo of his schlong anyway? It goes beyond confident, bordering on delusional. Does he think his penis is magical like a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory? “Oh you’re the guy with the magic penis? Right this way to the Fudge Room and lickable wallpaper. Out of the way, Oompa Loompas! This is that Wiener Guy. Grant him whatever he wants!”

The most attractive penis looks like Bert’s puffy nose from Sesame Street. Or an angry squash. Nobody can photograph a penis correctly. (There really should be a Glamour Shots agency just for penises.)

In most penis photos, there’s nothing to compare it to for purposes of scale. It could be the size of a Louisville slugger or a Cheeto. Who can tell without the helpful bar graph from a road map? There should be an app on your iPhone just for penis photos. (Get on it, Steve Jobs.)

Want to make your member appear larger than life? Buy a miniature train set and plop it right down on a lumber car. Give the tiny townsfolk something to gossip about at as the Union Pacific chugs into Capitol City. Or glue some plastic shrubs around it for a quiet pastoral setting.

And the next time you consider taking a naked photo of yourself, stop, look down and remember that your wiener and congressman Weiner have something else in common: At this rate, both have the same chance of getting elected.