“I hate to bust your bubble, butt...”

Mallika Sherawat is a Hollywood hotshot (huh?). Freida Pinto is a scared newbie on the block (um, sure!). Gursimran Khamba conjures up a few good tips from Mallika to Freida.

Hi Freida,

I know this will come as a surprise but I’ve been following your foray into Hollywood after that movie about filth-covered gangster children you starred in. Now as much as people are hailing you as the next big Eastern beauty, honey, I think you have a long way to go before you call yourself a star. But because I’m so generous, I thought I’d share some tips that will lead you to the right path as long as you follow them to a T.

Announce random projects every few months: Indians still suffer from a massive colonial hangover and are desperate for validation from the white man. That’s why you should learn from Anil and I and announce a BIG Hollywood release every three months or so, even if you’re only doing a five-second cameo in a direct-to-DVD film. No one in the media cares enough to check facts as long as they can splash their pages with headlines like "Indian cultural invasion takes over Hollywood" and "Steven Spielberg loves samosas with chai latte." Afterwards when people discover that you had almost nothing to do in the movie, they will make fun of you and get you to trend on Twitter. And let’s be honest – any publicity is good publicity! Also (and this might sound counter-intuitive), keep saying "Amitji is the best" every two weeks on your blog so some newspaper intern can make a 3,000-word story out of it.

Release semi-naked pictures of yourself: After you get your augmentation, release semi-naked self-clicked pictures of yourself on to the Internet. Claim that your cellphone was hacked and that this was an invasion of privacy – because that will get you invited to late night talk shows and on Oprah’s new channel. Besides, it will also give you a whole new legion of fans from across the world. Just look at what it did to Scarlett Johansson.

Work with Jackie Chan: I’m not sure if you read the paper but the Americans are incredibly afraid of the Chinese. In fact that’s the only reason I did The Myth. Jackie and I got respected the most because the Americans know that if they piss off the Indians and Chinese, we just buy them over. This concept of diversity is something white people love.

Add the initials of the city you’re in to your Twitter handle: Look, you have to be like those middle class plebs on Facebook who decline an invitation and say “Sorry can’t make it in Paris, muah” only to tell people that they’re in Paris. Being in a foreign country adds credibility to your profile. I mean look at me. I added LA to my handle as soon as I landed in Los Angeles and it got me an amazing role as Jalebi Bai in Double Dhamaal.

Now I know these seem like a lot of tips to keep in that little head of yours but then, if you’re serious about your career... Let me know if you need anything ok? And seriously, dump Dev.

Love, Mallika xoxo

GurSimran Khamba is a co-founder of the popular comedy podcast All India Bakc**d and writer for the Late Show on the TV channel Colors. What do you think when you think ‘celebrity’: “The N’ Sync song.”What makes you ROFL? “Cylinder blast jokes.”Do you think you are a celebrity: “No, but everyone who’s into stand-up comedy now is helping create a new industry.”

From HT Brunch, May 20

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