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January 27, 2009

SERIOUSLY MAN, I NEED POWERADE OR THIS TRAIN IS GOING OFF THAT CLIFF

I'm up I'm up I'm wake up, wakey wakey eggy bakey grab the rakey, make no mistakies, make you achy.

That up there is a true story about a man who woke up one day to find his wife yelling at him to rake the leaves and he rakes way too hard and his arms literally fall off. But the thing is, his wife still makes him rake with his mouth! Then his tongue falls out! Then she calls the ambulance finally. Charges were dropped. That's love for you. The whole story became a popular children's rhyme which I interrupted above.

Good intro huh?

When winter was being kick started by Mother Nature's cool wooden dirt bike that runs on river water and spits out clouds as exhaust, I made a list of ways you can cope with her bitchy decisions about how cold it's going to be. Well shit man, I'm having trouble coping myself and we have at least 1.75 to 2 months left of this garbage before spring starts and everyone has sex all over as per the popular myth. The winter blues have been playing loud and clear and there's a blazing solo of ice and shit ringing in my ears. That's a lot of allegory. Is that allegory? What's my point? Here's a revised list of ways to combat winter:

1. Find a gypsy and have yourself turned into a bear.

Bears decided centuries ago that they'd sleep through winter which is the number one smartest move by a non-human animal in history. In second place: Dolphins doing flips all day in the tropics. In third place: Those bugs that can look like sticks.

2. You're going to have to turn into a bear. That's the only way. There's nothing else you can do. It's too cold. It's the kind of cold where you can't even enjoy outdoor activities. I can't at least. Maybe you can turn invisible and get on a plane and hang in Hawaii because I assume you can't afford to just get up and move away for a few months. So get invisible, rob a bank or two, sneak on a plane (or just use your bank money) and get away.

Chapter 2

Lately I've been making my own smoothies for breakfast because they're healthy and they taste good, which is what humans look for in food these days. Is that embarrassing? I wish it wasn't known as a "Smoothie". I'd rather they were called "Smooth Cools" or "Fruit Blasters".

Chapter 3

THE END. Yeah it's going to be short today. I need to regroup. I blame winter. I really do. You can blame winter as well. Here's a poll to fill things out a bit:

About a guy

I'm Glenn Macaulay, writer/comedian in Toronto, the jewel of Lake Ontario. If you arrived via Google Image search, welcome, and check out glennmacaulay.com for further self-promotion.
This thing gets updated every time something scary happens to me.