Ivanka Trump’s Guide to Holiday Decorations and Gifts

“Have no idea how to decorate your Thanksgiving table? Problem solved,” read the tweet from Ivanka Trump HQ. But the link to what her website described as a “bold and unexpected Thanksgiving tablescape” looked more like a problem created: a giant clamshell filled with little grey pumpkins, moss, pine cones and driftwood. —The Guardian

Seasonal Clam

This large, rustic, extremely dirty (but in a rich-person way) thing that we’re all assuming is sort of a clam is PERFECT for your kitchen table during the holidays. Have you ever looked at your table and thought, “This needs a centerpiece that will get people talking . . . about how scary the centerpiece is”? Well, have I got the giant bivalve mollusk for you.

Womenorah

As America’s leading feminist, I’m thrilled to unveil the perfect thing to show off your gender and your Judaism. This is a menorah that’s entirely pink and holds candles with feminine fragrances, such as White Vanilla, Vanilla with Gentle Lavender, and Daddy’s Vanilla Girl. I love the Womenorah because it reminds me of my loving marriage—despite initial religious differences, Jared and I were able to bond over similarities including our whiteness, wealth, and lack of morality! Isn’t love beautiful? Reminder: I am a feminist!

Complicit Cashmere

During the holidays, I wouldn’t be caught DEAD wearing anything that looks like it cost less than five hundred dollars. But what separates me from any other cashmere-wearer is that when I put on this special piece I feel comfortable enough to be extremely complicit in our project with Russia to destroy this country!

Christmas AK-47

My favorite family tradition is banding together to fight the war on Christmas! This AK-47 locks, loads, and shoots Christmas Spirit. (Christmas Spirit is the name we gave an intruder last year who was wearing a large red suit and had this bag of . . . oh.)

Jared’s Fox-Fur Coat

Jared gets chilly—his lack of flowing blood is actually another thing we have in common that brought us together when we signed our agreement—I mean, got married! His fox-fur coat keeps him toasty when he’s seeking warmth in the vicinity of my icy-cold glare.

An Immigrant

Once you have one, do your part by sending them away. Regift this to a country in need!

Hanukkah Lights

Jared and I love Hanukkah, and what better way to celebrate than by stringing up lights all around the house? These gorgeous twinkly lights come in shades of white, red, and green.

Pens—Just Some Pens!

Who doesn’t need pens? You can use these to sign checks . . . to yourself! Note: I’ve included pens that weigh less and are smaller, for women. You’re welcome, feminists!

A Bible

The Good Book is the only thing my book club reads, so grab a glass of water-turned-to-wine and snuggle up with both testaments, you naughty thing!

2016 Glasses

What is the new year without a pair of novelty glasses to ring it in? Fortunately, our future is in the past, so strap on a pair of 2016ers and look forward to the greatest election season of all time!

Matching Holiday Pajamas

My daddy and I have been wearing these forever, and I’m so excited to announce that I actually designed this year’s set. The “Founding Daddies for You and Your Daddy” p.j.s feature the faces of the great men who founded this country: Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, and Billy Bush!

Russian Flag

You know what’s great? A wall! You know what’s terrible? An empty wall! Drape this lovely rectangular fabric across an otherwise dull part of your house to liven things up.