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hope

I had a lesson to learn yesterday.
As I’ve mentioned several times before, I am posting on lyf on a regular. So when I was going downwards after receiving P’s latest messages, I asked for advice. What I did not consider, was that these people do not know me or my story. They all told me to move on, which of course sent me into the most depressed state. I cried all evening on Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I couldn’t even drive to my acupuncturist without crying, because everything just reminded me of him and that I would never get him back again. They actually got me as far as not to trust my gut feeling anymore. Not trust what we had. And just move on. I was hurt. Very hurt.

After an hour of lying there and having a lot of time to think about it, I started to realise that I really needed an answer as to why he thought we didn’t match. So I texted him once I was home.

Later on my school friend texted me about a dream and I started talking to her about what P had said. She’s known me for the last 3 years and we have a lot in common when it comes to our point of view on life and love. Although I do not share what she’s done to her ex-boyfriend (she cheated on him with his best friend), she can actually imagine my situation, as her now-boyfriend was very closed off as well at first. I was able to help her back then, because he’s a lot like me when it comes to letting people close.
She told me that he probably is just overthinking things and not actually saying we don’t match. He doesn’t want to hurt me, because he’s unsure about us and therefore doesn’t want me to end up hurt, because he can’t trust we would work out. Like there’s not a security that we end up together and therefore he tries to push me away, so I don’t get hurt (does that even make sense?). It all made sense and I got my hope back. I’ve never lost my gut feeling, even when I felt SO bad about the situation the last few days – but I did ignore it, for everyone told me to move on. And this is when I realised that strangers cannot help me with this. Yes, they may have showed me a different view, but they’ll never know what I want in life and what I am able to get through.
Also my friend pointed out that most people nowadays just don’t want to wait or fight for something, that may never come. They rather stop now, than get more hurt farther down the road. But she’s right. I can take the chance of getting even more hurt, but I also get the chance of ending up happy with him. Isn’t it worth it? Of course it is. Because I have that feeling about him, I will not simply give up. Even if it takes a year. As long as I have this feeling, I cannot and will not give up.

Now back to that message I sent him: “I’m sorry to bother you again and I promise I will not annoy you after that, but I can’t stop thinking about something. You obviously think that we do not match or we cannot end up together – or that’s what I’ve read into your message… why are you feeling this way, if I may ask?”
First of all I got a “you’re not annoying me at all, I like it when you text me. But gotta work at some point 😉 when did I say that we don’t match?”

So. No I did not get any answer. I told him that he has not actually written it, but he did continuously say that he’s not sure if we could end up together. He didn’t say anything to that anymore. A few hours later I just said “so when are we meeting then? 😛 ”
He has not replied. I did not expect him to. I will wait. But he probably will just send a funny text and not reply to this. It’s his way of communication. And that’s fine. He’ll be ready when he is.

I know that for most people this may not be enough. He did not reply to my message, he did not deny it, but he also didn’t confirm my thoughts. It was his way to say that I need to stop interpreting things into what he’s written (like he’s done so many times before). And that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m trying not to misread his lack of communication or what he did NOT write. For me this latest message said, that he does not think we don’t match. There may be another problem, but for now I’m not thinking about it. I’ll just take it day by day. Hoping we’ll meet again soon, so we can see how he and I feel about each other. Like my friend said: once we spend time together, he will remember how he feels. He was the one to always tell me how much he enjoyed our time. So I guess feelings are there, they just need to be lit up again. I don’t think they’ve just vanished over the last 5 weeks, but that he’s been busy with other thoughts and emotions.

When that sadness hit me yesterday, I talked to a friend about it. I asked her whether I should send him a message, wishing him a good flight and a save journey today. She said that I should, if I felt the need to. But that I should not put any pressure on it or blame.

All day long that sadness didn’t vanish. Then I woke up from a dream of his. This is ridiculous, but even in my dreams he didn’t care. We were on a building about to go on a trip and I asked if he had read the letter. He said yes. I asked if he had anything to say about it and he said: “Wouldn’t know what!” I was devastated that even after all the emotions and effort I had put into it, he still would not show me anything. Although deep down I knew that some sort of love was there… nothing.

Maybe my subconciousness is telling me to give it up. To not hope for an answer that I am not going to get. Who even wastes a trip to think about his ex? Nobody. So I need to figure things out for myself and not wait for an answer I will not get. Let go of this hope. Let go of the sadness, the anger, the emotions toward him.

I need to understand that he does not love me that much, to give a care about how I feel. No matter how much this truth hurts me. I need to let it go. I need to open my eyes and see the world for its fact and not my hope and imagination of it.

I am alone again.

PS: I did text him a goodbye, wishing him a good flight and save trip. To enjoy the US and get back safely. Saying that Sunday I had so much more to tell him, but that I don’t think it would be a good idea anymore. An hour or so later I told him that I was missing him and hoped he wpuld have a good time. He answered later on and wished me a nice flight as well (and told me that his flight got cancelled). Nothing about the missing part at all. No emotions. I guess it’s high time I moved on now. He doesn’t seem to want to be romantically involved with me any longer. So I am trying to move on whilst I myself am abroad for the week.