Mar 15 What If It Isn’t Meant To Be?

Ahhh the clichés of life. Everything happens for a reason. If it’s meant to be it will be. It is all part of God’s plan. It’ll happen when you least expect it. Fate. Karma. Sliding Doors.

I was a huge believer in fate and if it’s meant to be before my son died. Now though…. not so much! My son was not meant to die, this didn’t happen for a reason and I certainly have never done anything in my life to deserve this, I’m feeling pretty good about my karma right now in fact so that blows that theory out of the park too!

We had many light bulb moments previously believing fate had worked its magic for us. The first being getting our lovely doggos, Twiggy and Woody.

I had been BEGGING Mr Protein for a Chihuahua since forever. I had wanted one since I was a little girl, long before Paris Hilton turned them into a fashion accessory. These feisty little dogs, smaller than a cat with the attitude of a Rottweiler had always had a huge place in my heart and I knew one day I would have one. But Mr Protein was extremely resistant. The term rat was used regularly. We were young, went raving every weekend and a dog would tie us down and it just wasn’t part of his plan. But I am woman who never gives up! I am tenacious in nature, much like my spirit animal the Chihuahua.

Eventually I had started to break Mr. P down and after sending him 11,879 photos of Chihuahuas he finally gave in and said I could have one in the next year or so and allowed me to contact breeders. We had found a breeder who had a lovely long haired Chihuahua who looked like a little fox and we’d agreed to meet the breeder once the puppies were born. Unfortunately when her dog had given birth she only had one puppy and it had gone to another family. I was gutted but thought ah well it wasn’t meant to be.

A few months later we were on a trip to Paris, one of my absolute favourite cities in the world. We were strolling down the Champs-Elysees and I saw a lady walking with THREE Chihuahuas! I proceeded to stalk them down the entire length of the Champs and eventually caught up with them and said hello. The rest as they say, is history. The dogs I had stalked are Twiggy and Woody’s father and siblings! The family lived in London and one of their other Chihuahua’s had just given birth and was at home in London. Email addresses were exchanged and I just knew I was going to have one of their puppies. What I hadn’t banked on was falling hook line and sinker for the other puppy, Woody and just like that I had agreed to take both puppies from the litter (my two were the only surviving pups from the litter as the others had been stillborn, how is that for ironic). Imagine if we both hadn’t been walking down that street in Paris at the exact same moment? We would never have met and I certainly wouldn’t have had two puppies come into my life. It was all so weirdly perfect, it was meant to be!

Another moment like this was when we bought our house last year. We knew the area we wanted to move and I knew I really wanted something modern and adored three storey town houses. We looked at a lot of them and then found one. It was perfect, other than the fact it was 60k over budget! We did some sums and thought sod it, this is our dream home we can stretch ourselves. The house had been on the market for a few months and hadn’t had much interest; we put in an offer thinking we’d get it for sure. Nope, out of nowhere came the gazumpers! They outbid us on our dream home, we upped our offer, and they upped theirs which took our dream home already over budget, to a life of eating beans on toast forever and having no social life whatsoever. So we let it go, smug that we had pushed up the price even further for the gazumpers!

A couple of months after that, a smaller house on the same estate came on the market. It was within budget so we made an appointment to see it. We viewed the home and really liked it but couldn’t help but compare it to the larger house on the same plot we had seen so decided to think on it for a couple of days before putting in an offer. We both decided to go for it, sure it was smaller but if we hadn’t have seen the bigger house we would have offered on the spot and let’s remember we couldn’t actually afford the bigger house; super excited we put in our offer. The estate agent advised us that an offer had already been accepted on the house. We were gutted and frustrated with ourselves that we had taken a couple of days to think about it and lost another house on our ideal estate. The search continued but we kept comparing everything we saw to the two houses on our dream cul-de-sac we’d lost.

About six weeks later, I received a call from the estate agents, the sale on cheaper house we loved had fallen through and would we like to put our offer back on the table? Well I am writing this post from my lovely, albeit slightly smaller than I would have hoped, living room in the affordable house on our dream street!

So you see, I was a real believer in things working out if they were supposed to, fate working its hand whenever you needed a push, but now I have lost that optimism I used to have.

Instead I hold the belief that everything can change in a light flick of a moment, your whole world can be turned upside down in the blink of an eye. Really bad things happen to good people. You never know what is around the corner; you really could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

My outlook on life is so much more cautious now; I have become more of a pessimist rather than the happy optimist I was in my former life. I often wonder what has happened to someone who just wasn’t expecting it today. The diagnosis of a terminal illness someone thought was just a minor gripe? The wife who kissed her husband on his way to work and told him to drive safely because that was something she just said to him every day who is now standing over his body on a life support machine? The other parents who will join the baby loss club today, their worlds rocked forever.

We are so blissfully ignorant before something as life changing as baby loss rocks our world forever. I was the queen of ‘it’ll never happen to me’. I am no longer of this mindset. It DID happen to me, and who knows what else will happen to me.

There is no cliché than can explain Billy’s death to me, there is no reason why a perfectly healthy baby should die days before his due date. It wasn’t meant to be, he should be here with me right now taking those first bites of mashed banana and laughing at his utterly hilarious mommy when she makes silly faces at him. My days should be spent walking in the park with Billy, sipping coffee with other new moms. That is what was meant to be, not this. This is just so painfully wrong on every level.

I don’t mean to sound like a negative Nancy here at all. I am far from it, I refuse to let my new circumstances remove enjoyment from my life and let everyone else have all the fun. But my outlook on life has certainly changed now and I realise more than ever the importance of living life to the fullest and never taking anything for granted anymore. Cherish the people in your life, do whatever makes you happy, do not sweat the small stuff, for one day something completely unprecedented could come along and change your life forever, because however much you want something, it isn’t always meant to be.

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Friday feels! 🛁 Mindfulness comes in many forms and spending an hour in the tub with a book a few times a week and a few luxury bath products might sound simple but it does me the world of good. Anyone else want to drink my bath? 💖 .
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A year ago today we said goodbye to Billy for the last time. At 1pm we held a very small intimate funeral for our son, a task no parent should ever have to endure. I recall thinking afterwards that although the service was lovely, it was the second worst day of my life (the day I was told he’d died will always hold that award, hands down). It was a beautiful, sunny day but it could have torrentially rained all day for all I cared. I fit the soap opera stereotype of a grieving mother perfectly. Chic little black dress, huge Chanel dark sunglasses and hair in a sleek ponytail as I mustered up some serious inner strength to get through this. I clutched onto one of Billy’s teddies in one hand, my husbands with the other whilst my mom held onto my arm the whole way through. The surrealness of being inside a hearse with a tiny white coffin with your child inside still sits with me to this day. I felt dizzy and sick and just remember reading the little name plaque on the coffin over and over again trying to calm myself down. It felt like I was having an out of body experience and sometimes, it still does. I watched as my husband carried the tiny coffin in his arms to the stand, a mixture of pride and heartbreak in equal measures. No daddy should ever have to do that and no mummy should ever see it. We listened to the John Lennon song “beautiful boy” because he was. So so beautiful. ❤️ I have always loved this song, especially the line on this post. None of us could ever begin to plan for something like this, not in our worst nightmares. .
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I forgot to share this last week but here are the leaves with the babies names who were taken too soon floating away on Billy’s birthday. The intense gale force winds made this task so much fun. 😂 We managed to have a lovely day on what should have been his birthday and had a very peaceful and relaxing week in our little cottage in Wales. I held it together really well (the days running up to it were much harder) and I’ve been expecting it all to catch up on me this week and hit me hard, but it really hasn’t. I’m feeling more positive and happy than I have done in ages. I guess it’s onwards and upwards from here! 🙌🏻💙🧡⭐️ .
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September. Used to be my favourite month of the year, it’s my birthday month after all and we get to enjoy the early autumn days where we start to wear cosy clothes and enjoy pumpkin spiced lattes! But now my birthday will always be 3 days after my son’s funeral so it’s never gonna quite be the same again. It was also Billy’s actual due date on 12 September, planned C section date on 6 September and his funeral took place on 12 September so there are a lot of milestones coming up. But you know what, I’m not gonna dwell on any of these dates. I’m going to simply let them pass by without letting this month be a write off. I’m going to enjoy my birthday this year. Mr Protein said I can have WHATEVER I want for my birthday as last years was so rubbish.... I pity the fool sometimes! 😂 I’m going to enjoy this September, go for lots of autumnal walks, splurge on a new coat and pair of ankle boots and have a really great month. Last September was so utterly horrendous for us and we got through that and I’m looking forward to the rest of this year. I’m feeling so much more positive now that we’ve got the ‘first year’ done. So here’s to a fabulous September for us all! 🍁 🍁 🍁 .
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And just like that, a whole year has gone by. Billy Stardust should be one. And if he was here, I probably wouldn’t be cruel enough to label him with Stardust in his name.... or maybe I would! This year has been the hardest we’ve ever faced. How does anyone prepare for this, let alone get over this. To carry your baby to full term, have the nursery ready, own just about every baby item ever invented thanks to a very enthusiastic nanny! And then, in a puff of smoke it’s over. Over before it ever really began. A life so short has made such a big impact. .
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I’ll always miss you little one. It’ll never be right that you aren’t here. I always wonder what you’d be like now; cheeky, mischievous, beautiful. Would you be a fussy eater or a total gannet? I bet you’d laugh non-stop, your dad and I are pretty damn funny. I know you would be too. I hope you’re not causing too much mischief up there. I don’t want to hear that you’re always on heavens naughty step when I meet you there one day. Or maybe you can be as naughty as you like up there, it is heaven after all! I promise we will make up for all the cuddles we have missed out on, I’ll never let you go when we meet again. We love you so much. I’ve struggled to say happy birthday because you should be here to join the party, but just this once, happy birthday little guy. We love you more than you could ever imagine. ❤️💙 .
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Thanks for all of the messages today from our nearest and dearest and all the DMs, the support of those around us means so much and receiving so much love today has meant a lot. 😊❤️
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For Billy’s anniversary I’ve written the names of all of the babies whose parents I’ve connected with and spoken to regularly over the last year (Can’t tag everyone Instagram has a limit on the number of tags).
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Babies who like Billy were not here for long enough, whose short lives have had the biggest impact. I cried so much when I was doing this, just seeing all of these babies names together, and this isn’t even a fraction of it. There are way too many leaves on my table. Way too many hearts broken here. But there is also a lot of strength here. An ability to fight through the pain, to carry on smiling despite a broken heart. Thank you to everyone who has supported me, made me laugh and shared a bit of dark humour with me over the past year. Thank you to our babies for bringing us together. ❤️💙 I wish so much that these leaves were still on my tree and that these babies were with our families as they should be. .
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I’m going to scatter these leaves at sea in Wales on what would have been Billy’s first birthday. I hope these little ones cross paths wherever they are and see their names floating away together. 💙💙💙
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My new Billy Bear made by one of my best friends moms, the incredibly talented @thelittlecoverup (aunty Arlene to me!). What a lovely, thoughtful gift to be given at such a difficult time. I’ll treasure him forever. 💙
@thelittlecoverup not only makes these wonderful bears, but also lovely baby clothes. Check her out! .
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