Category: personal stuff

i’m staring out the window of a busa bus parked forever morein the hills of western wisconsinclouds, forests, wildflowers, birds, & bugs (so many bugs)are right outside my window& all i feelis paralyzedtrappedunable to move forwardbecause renting requires incomegetting a loan requires income& i am on a buswith four kidsmy ex-husband trying to lure meback to himback to life in an apartmentwith him& each dayi think a little more seriouslyabout committing that crimeabout sacrificingmyselfto make sure my kidshave a roof over their heads….i just wish i could look at this amazing view& feel free& feel inspired& feel hopefulinsteadof feelingdoomedbut right nowi have no ideahow to bethat personhow to beanything but miserable& alone.

though i am not posting as much as i usually do as i am struggling with depression right now as well as the instability of being homeless–er, between homes, rather….but i will try to get pen to paper & get some new posts up over there soon.

summer 2015 while trying to convince the dad to move awayleaving a “commonwealth” scamleaving a doorstep haunted by a predatory womanleaving a sadness that soaked my bonesjust leaving, i beggedor not…i tried to to convince the dad to move awaysomewhere cheaperfar away from his predatory “other woman”i tried& failed he would not leave her& stupidlyi agreed on a rental that would not be open untilthe end of summersummer of 2015, between homesbouncing aroundcrashing, house-sitting, visiting relativesonly to land again in my ownsadness

i have been thinking of that summer, if only to remind myself that i have been “between homes” with four children before…& survived. i am hoping that this time i do not land again in my own sadness. the dad has been trying to convince me to come live with him again….right???what insanity would that be?i have broken free of him & to give up that freedom would surely mean the end of me…but, i might have to turn to him for temporary shelter. i am trying to find other options, but having a safe place for the minions to be trumps all other concerns. & where the minions go….i’m trying to be excited about a change, even an uncertain one. i mean, i am excited about it…but also worried sick. i turn every scenario over & over in my head. i do everything in my head, first, preparing myself for anything unexpected.this is how i survive.

to help support my traveling circus & our search for a forever home, check out my patreon page where i am working on character development of a comic book hero who has been in my head for about five years now….

and being a patron of mine of the $5 a month or more, gets you personalized art postcards like these:

here’s a funny storysome years backi noticed my exburying somethingin the dumpsterknowing he never took out the trashmy curiosity was piquedso i wentdumpster divingfor mother’s day…turned outhis stalker girlfriend had left a mother’s day bouquet of tulipson our doorstep for meunlike all the weird little notes & gifts she left for him, he saw fit to throw the tulipsin the trash…that might bethe only timei got flowers for mother’s day….

okay…not funny “haha”…more like funny in a really really painful way. mother’s day & i have a terrible track record. with a husband who said on the first mother’s day after my giving birth to his son, “why would i get her anything; she’s not my mother?”with a mother who didn’t seem to know the first thing about mothering…but who was always happy to complain, criticize, & be cruel….with my own conflicted feelings on being a mom….it’s a fucked up day for me.yet…i caught myself buying a necklace for myself…i think it was supposed to be a surprise, for mother’s day. so maybe i am starting to heal? maybe. a celtic trinity knot necklace. a protection symbol. with green amber ( my favorite.) it’s nice to know that i remembered to get me something nice for mother’s day.

the image is a card i sent to my little sister last year for mother’s day…it was the closest i could get to saying “happy mother’s day.”

living insideyour own headyou forget aboutthe world outsidea world that works againstsingle low-income momsa world that won’t take a riskon youno matter how good your heartmight bea world that is set up to grandstand your optionstelling you to follow your dreamsbut in the endleaves youvery few choicesthe more kidsyou havethe fewer choicesthey say it takes a villagethey don’t tell youthat the village will quickly tack upa “no vacancy” signwhen they see youcoming.

how’s the house hunt going?well, pretty fucking hard since i can’t even get out to look for a place…& then when i look at the average application for a rental & they want a job & income & job history…all i feel is despair.i have savings. i have enough to pay a year’s rent. i have sparkly clean credit. i have child support payments. i have government aid. i spend less money–with four kids–than the average u.s. citizen without dependents does. i am frugal as fuck. but i have to get face to face with a real person–the right person–to convince them that this is enough…& being seemingly physically trapped here at hotel california…how the fuck do i make that happen?i was going to try to run out to iowa today to look for rentals & someone to convince that i am a good tenant. the minions come home tomorrow….despair says, “why even bother?”but i can’t just run over to iowa with four kids in tow. iggy hates road trips (he got that from his dad–not me,) & i don’t want to budget in a stay at a motel (though they do love motel tv.)so three weeks until the next time i am able to run to iowa sans minions…meanwhile, the lawn grows free now as the lawn mower died on me. so i should get that fixed. i don’t even know how to go about that. i so so so hate being all alone out here.yes, i’m a feminist, but fuck me if i want to do everything myself. i want someone here who knows how to do all the stuff i suck at. i want someone in my life who appreciates what i can do & who i worship for their ability to fix a mower…or clean a toilet…or just hold me & tell me it’s all going to work out when it feels like the world is spinning out of control.sigh.

i’ve been spending my day sorting through files & files of stories. some are just a couple of words, an idea. some are complete & surprisingly well written stories. i have found that a lot of my stories have a similar voice. i am taking those snippets and adding them to a novel i am working on with the same voice. threading it all together.i am also posting some of them over on my patreon site & considering some for possible publication?this haiku was in the middle of a file full of short stories/flash fiction i had written back in a time i used to submit to the site Helium all the time.

i am pretty sure it is about my ex-husband & my feelings about his video game addiction. pretty sure. & this was not the only written piece i found obsessing about my ex-husband & the wrongs he did to me.

which brings me to my tarot card reading for the beltane new moon. a lot of good stuff in this reading. but the bad stuff…not letting go. the moon crossing me warns about it…so does the card in my “near future” position of the spread. so i wonder. what is it that i am not letting go of? all i can think of is this anger i still have toward my ex-husband. how do i let go? i truly want to.

some time later…

okay, so! i was quietly obsessing about all the stuff i should be doing here at my mom’s house as squatter/care-taker, when i thought, “maybe that’s it…maybe i am stuck here–actually stuck at this place.” worrying about the lawn, the wet basement, and then reminding myself, “it’s not my goddamned property, monkey-boy!” (buckaroo banzai)…. my mom called me the other day about the basement & spent the entire call bitching about my sister who is trying her best to care for my mom. my mom said, “she was never my favorite.”what the fuck, mom?she also bitched about dad dying & leaving her to deal with this house & property that she wanted to sell years ago. i kind of agree that that was a shitty thing to do. the next day, as i was attempting to meditate (meditation is surprisingly difficult for my loud brain to do,) my phone rang with “pure evil” coming up on the screen. so i kept on trying to meditate, but got a sick feeling in my stomach. my mom left a message, but before i could check the message, i checked my email where my sister (or brother-in-law as they share an email) emailed me to say, “don’t answer the phone!”so i deleted the message from my mom without listening to it.

long story short, my mom doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me & i know damn well that i was never her favorite either. she only calls me on occasion when no one else will listen to her. so why am i stressing out trying to care for a place that is not mine for a woman who can’t stand me?i am free to leave.but it’s not easy leaving a place where i don’t have to worry about rent & utilities & keeping a roof over my four minions’ heads…. have i sold my soul for a free place to live? it kind of feels that way.it kind of feels like that scene in labyrinth where sarah is in her “bedroom” & has forgotten her quest because she is surrounded by superficially comforting “things.”or, as i wrote a couple days ago, it feels like “hotel california.”i have often compared this experience to the shining as well….and there in my tarot spread, you can see. i am stuck in “opposition” while change is my conflict card.

change should not be a conflict for me. i love change.

so i have chosen a third town as a possible new home. i was going to road trip there tomorrow, but the forecast calls for storms & rain today & the two days after. i am stuck. the basement might flood again if i am not here. but how long can this go on?i tried to mow the lawn today, and the mower died. am i going to hire someone to repair it? or someone to mow these acres of grass? or am i just going to walk away?

the drone of the fansin the basementwill hopefully help me sleep’cause last nighti was awake or fitfully sleepingtwisting & turningas water crept & dripped into my basementgallons of water absorbed into powderfuckingblue carpet…i used to call this placebullfrog songnow i call it hotel californiai just want to beanywherebut herebut road trips detouredby leakybasements….

i was totally going to go to iowa & look for a place to live. however! water coming in through a wall dumping gallons onto the floor despite the floor drain just feet away….this place is a fucking nightmare. & my mom is pissed that my dad died first & left her to deal with it.& i’m pissed that i got tricked into living here by siblings that wanted to live footloose & fancy free far away from familial home….added to my list of things i never wanted to do alone: deal with a flooded basement.

i am brain dead. all i can do is watch ryan renolds movies, drink beer, & wander to the basement on occasion to bail out this sinking ship….

a few weeks ago i drew a medicine animal card
from my deck.
it was a squirrel.
today i went to draw a new card
while i was shuffling
i dropped a couple cards
i picked them up
the top one was the squirrel.
i finished shuffling & drew
a card for today
it is the squirrel…
hmmm.
no mixed messages there
prepare for the future
says the squirrel card
be ready for change
says the squirrel card
agreeing with my last tarot reading
where my near future was the moon (change)
& my final outcome was a death card
inverted
(do not fight change.)

wow. what does the universe have in store for me? i have started looking at a back-up iowa town. a bigger town. a cheaper town. more central than north, but still north & west of where i am…which i feel is the direction i need to be going.
like the other town i am thinking about, this town gives me the good feelings when i look at it on a map & think about it as a home.
so there is that.
an ad on craigslist has a potential house already…a house that i am being offered as a “contract buy” for a small amount down.
do i want to buy a house? in a city? near parks & rivers & a short drive from camping & old friends?
will they still be eager to sell to me when they realize i’m living on luck more than money?
decisions
decisions
i know i want to be out of here. all signs point to yes on that one.
but do i want to be a homeowner & gamble on that?
be tied down to a property…but also have the freedom of a place that is mine…..?

let me meditate on the energy of the squirrel…let’s see what happens there.

nothing like spring to fuck with one’s love hormones. i made this postcard to send to someone who has probably forgotten me, but it’s my party, i can obsess if i want to.& i’m not obsessing, really, i just have to put those spring hormones somewhere…& i have no where else to put them. (i already quit okcupid again)so what’s a harmless crush on someone? so what’s a harmless postcard just to say “hi”? i know…famous last words….but, after all, the dodo bird is my spirit animal.

i just got a phone call from my mom to let me know she will be selling the house out from under me. i kinda saw this coming & was planning to leave anyway & there is no love lost between us…but fuck me my heart hurts right now. she has no problem tossing out her single-mother daughter & her four grandchildren. at least she had the decency not to say “i love you” at the end of the conversation.& she did call to let me know she would be selling the house instead of just doing it–my kids have been fearing that we will come home to another family living here….

speaking of lumberjacks, i am totally built like a lumberjack…or a linebacker, if you will. seriously. i have “man hands” and size 11 feet. my ideal weight is 150, anything under 145 would probably be too thin for my frame.as an adult, i have only been that weight once, briefly. historically (before children) i was around 160. which was comfortable for me.recently i went through my journals of that time in my life when i could have been called skinny (2002 to be exact.) i mean, i was eating well & exercising…but most of my life i eat well & exercise. plus, i was still drinking somewhat actively at the time…so….i could not figure out what was different, but around the beginning of 2002, i lost a bunch of weight, it just fell off of me. i was super sexy & healthy. i worried that people might think i was doing drugs–that’s how fast the weight came off.the reason i am obsessing about it right now is because i am all of a sudden at my heaviest weight ever. even heavier than i was during my pregnancies.it’s disturbing.okay, so i’m perimenopausal & that apparently wreaks havoc on one’s weight. but holy fucking crap. i could feel fat rolls on my back today & my thighs are all of a sudden extra chunky. so i’m kind of freaking out.i am also cutting out dairy, simple carbs, and (sob!) beer. i am doing yoga every day (i always do) and am starting to do a cardio exercise daily as well.soi was out walking today to get back in the habit (i used to power walk at least 2 miles a day back in the day but have fallen out of the habit since coming to rural illinois.)& while walking, i remembered what happened just before i lost all that weight. i fell in love with johnny shipley, an adorable punk rock muppet-looking bartender in lexington, kentucky. head over heels. & we dated for like a week before he dumped me for his rich little lesbian friend. however, i continued to stalk him for months. months. when someone tends bar in a pool hall down the street from where you live, it’s really easy to stalk them. & i still get a little tingly when i think of him now, so many years later. sigh.but i had just come out of a long & miserable (okay, year & a half) marriage where i felt so ugly & unwanted. proceeded by a two year relationship with a narcissistic & abusive fuck named travis. proceeded by being dumped by someone who said they would love me forever.falling in love felt awesome. & apparently, it triggered my body to become smoking hot. love.it makes sense.mind over matter. hormones. all that. i even dreamed it recently. i literally had a dream saying that falling in love would help me lose weight.soi need to fall in love.it’s been a long & miserable time–17 years this time–17 years of dealing with my 2nd husband & being manipulated, rejected, cheated on, & treated like crap. i need to fall in love & remind my body that despite it all, i am still young & lovely.

i am re-posting my version of “the kiss” by gustav klimt because i am too tired to ink something…it was this or a picture of mikel jollett looking super sexy (that’s redundant.)