A compilation of my thoughts, ideas and deep stuff

Anxiety

I really hate boxing myself into a corner like this.I’ve whined and cries like a baby and guess how far I’ve gotten. Well, you know… Answers to important questions will be forthcoming. A couple of phone calls will start it. One to the sleep lab, who I’ve not heard from in two or three weeks, for one. It’s time for progress.I went through one night and I’m ready to get on with the rest of it. Time to get some sleep! The second phone call is the big one.

First, the surgeon who did the colectomy hardly touched me during my visits to him. He didn’t examine me once before the surgery which bothered me somewhat but..What, I trusted him? Okay so he did the surgery and again, afterward still didn’t examine me… This time, because no doctor here where I live wants to touch me, I will insist on him seeing me or know why. I am having increased pain and with an abnormal CT, I have to have someone to be on my side. My pcp sent his notes and copy of the scan to the surgeon over a week ago. You’d think a person would hear something by now.

After those pieces of business are over, I believe that I am going to look into going back to school for my masters degree. A masters in business should make it somewhat easier to find a job. Although that’s what I thought about when I got my bachelor’s…

That should make for a full day of frustration and madness, so after, I think that M and I will go fishing in the afternoon. I am having bowel troubles but I can always take some loperamine before we go and wear a pad just in case.I mention this because I believe that people should be upfront with what is going on in their lives especially things that cause impact on us.

I may not like answers that I get tomorrow, but I will have answers of some sort when I’m through. It takes a lot these days to get me started nut now is the time.

I miss following fellow bloggers. This last year I’ve been back to work, to try and retain a hold on my life. It been difficult as the problems that I have physically and mentally haven’t gone away I’m just ignoring them using work to keep the pain at bay. It has worked to an extent. I don’t have panic attacks as much now. The pay check is nice too but the underlying problems are surfacing again. Think that’s why I am back. To see that I’m not the only one hurting and that by sharing problems seemingly insurmountable are, in fact, merely problems that need attention.

Don’t know that I will ever be one to organize any event or cause but I hope that I can contribute here, to listen and learn here. I will undoubtedly complain incessantly but I’ll listen too if one needs an ear.

I remember when i was 22 years old and I was just out of the Air Force. Things were good for me as I had a decent, but stressful job working at a convenience store. The pay was good and I was able to afford a new motorcycle plus I had moved into a two bedroom farm house that sat on 10 acres. It was a pretty place and had potential and i had signed a contract for deed on it.

Things turned ugly the morning that i woke up and was getting ready for work. After showing and breakfast I went to the bathroom and that’s when i discovered the blood. It scared me badly so i made an appointment to see my doctor. After he examined me, I remember him telling me that i needed to go to the hospital. I was in shock. The day had been bright and sunny, how could this have happened? There was no other signs that anything was wrong. No pain or discomfort other than occasional indigestion.

I called into work and I don’t remember exactly i said, something about having to go to the hospital and left it at that, I think. Anyway I grabbed a few things from home and went and checked into the hospital. After the usual amount of paperwork, I was to a taken to room and I exchanged my street clothes for a hospital gown. Right away they put me on a liquid diet. For supper I got broth and a cocktail of orange juice and mineral oil. The next morning i was awakened for my first ever, cleansing enema.

They didn’t waste time then, several tests were scheduled, the first of many was an endoscope. My doctor started am intravenous line and gave me something that made me sleepy but i could still hear and feel everthing. First I gargled with a liquid that numbed my throat. Then after it started working, I swallowed the end of the scope. As the scope went down he would introduce some air and I remember belching from time to time. Finally he made it into my stomach and started to look around. Then he stopped. He asked me if I wanted to see something cool, so he bent the scope around and let me see two small lesions. Ulcers. But they weren’t bleeding and after the test he came to my room and told me he’d have to look else where.

The next day, brought and early, i underwent a pulmonary test of some sort that measured my lung capacity. I thought it strange at the time but back I realize that they were prepping me for surgery. That same day I had my first colonoscopy. Again, i was given anesthesia. They had me lie on my left side. Then he put the scope in and after what seemed like a long time,he said he was at my cecum. On the way out I remember him telling the nurse to open and close the snare. I counted 8 or 9 times. Each time he excised a polyp,it took a whole new day to get the results. ..no cancer.

After that i was go given a regular diet and after a sigmoidoscopy to check for bleeding, i was finally released. This was the first of three scares that I endured over the next five years.

No one on earth knows better than I how incredibly gauche that I can be. My often untimely statements, questions and etc come from a scattered mind and does not reflect my true feelings except for feelings of inadequacy. It makes it difficult to engage in friendly banter as my scatter brain gets all excited and my mouth mucks the works. Sorry about that, sincerely.

I’ve been trying to think of a topic to write about. As it turns out, I live a pretty boring life on the outside. Inside is like a mixture of tv shows. Drama, scifi, and b-movies abound along with a sprinkle of soap.

So what do I know about. I know about depression and pain. About compulsion and guilt and I know about fear and shame. The invisible maladies that haunt so many and ignored by so many more. I know how it feels to dispair and have no where to turn for help. Help. That thing that many promise but cannot produce, usually under the guise of “you mustn’t want help”.

There are many well meaning people in the world. Some even boast rightfully that they have helped people with the invisible sicknesses. But in this crazy world, there are those of us who are resistant for whatever reason. Normals might say that we fake it or even want the afflictions. Bull!

I know too what is like to seek help inpatient and leave in worse shape than I went in.

I am prone to buying things when I really shouldn’t. Most are useful and are used but money is the real point here. I just bought a solar charger/battery to charge our phones and tablets. I also bought a watch, I lost mine right here in the house. Again, i’m going to use it but money is the issue.

I know that bipolar people sometimes do this and i have a history of this behavior. oh, and I’m bipolar.fortunately, I am working and will be able to take care of the charges. also, fortunately, My credit cards have low maximums. I am going to give up spending too much money.

In an effort to maintain control over my own feelings, I’ve been reading posts on other people’s blogs. I’ve come to realize that time is a factor in the making of, and resolution of, difficult decisions. If one is resolute about making a commitment of most any kind, passage of time will show ones true commitment to a cause.

I find this to be true in my own case. The process of getting treatment stated in June of this year. Due to the radical nature of my own proposed treatment, although frustrating at times, I’m grateful for the time that has passed in order to affirm my decision to go ahead with this procedure.

Having feedback from followers helped a lot. Both negative and positive comments to mold my final choice of moving ahead.