Day 7: Drunk Hug

VLOG #7

LYRICS:

You’ve got to know that you’re good and in time your slippery boy will fade away to a place far and unsafeI shun myselfHedonist, social cuesWhile you go stir the pot for poor working drones all on their phonesOpen and warmLaugh at my stupid jokes, but when it comes to talking we shy away, I stay to playStuck to the planSee you out with your friends, checking in with your unfair guardianWish I was him

KatyWhat the hell’s wrong with me?Am I so lame and normal?KatyIt was the only timeThat I actually tried to get something I wanted

Piercing your faceWhat was it supposed to beWary warning or a cultural thing?It’s just a ringMore ornate than boldSo I’m told by your soulFiltering jocks and PradaYou gotta be a judgmental being

KatyWhat the hell’s wrong with me?Am I so lame and normal?KatyIt was the only timeThat I actually tried to get something I wanted

I always daydreamed about feeling your softness against my jaw but not in this place, not in this placeSomething’s not right when your best shot at a sincere moment’s bookended by crooked pubsJust drunken hugs

ORIGINAL DEMO:

Journal Entry #7: Just Drunken Hugs

It was my last semester of college ever, and that meant an 'edition' of my life was ending. I would never be able to inhabit that environment -quite- the same ever again, no matter how much I could ever want to emulate it or revisit it in the future. I felt lucky that I had this foresight.

With it, I knew that I couldn't let fear or anxiety be an excuse. If I was to meet someone that would change my life, it might happen right now, in this environment overflowing with similarly aged, like-minded people.

So when I saw her 3 rows down from me in class, I knew I had no excuse.

Thankfully, I had seen her out downtown a few days later, and in fact, I knew one of the people she was hanging with. So, I went up and mentioned I think she was in my class. We had a nice, if not standard conversation.

Next day in class. I sit RIGHT next to her. We talk a little bit more.

Two classes later, it was time. I couldn't waste it. I asked her to lunch.

"Mmm.....mmmmaaaayyyybe..."

She has a boyfriend.

Classes go by. We're still sitting next to each other. She's asking to study with me, so we are. We study a lot outside of class, in fact.

I see her out downtown again, and she keeps stepping out to sit on a phone call. I finally ask her friends if she's alright, because she comes down here to have fun yet is willingly pulled away by some third party.

"Oh she's just talking to her boyfriend, it always happens"

Sounded like there were some problems there…

The school year ends. I'm unsure I'll ever see her again. I went to college where I grew up, so when graduation happens, everyone leaves but me, usually.

Weirdly though, I'm downtown over the summer, and I see her out once again. It's great, she seems happy.

As I'm headed home hours later, I see her sitting on the sidewalk between a lamppost and a mailbox.

"Hey, you uh, all good?"

She looks up.

"Yeah...just dealing with some annoying stuff..."

She puts her phone away.

"Do you want me to walk you home?"

"Um...yes."

I walk her home. We hug and she goes inside.

Fast forward a few weeks. I'm about to move to Nashville. Like, the next morning. So, I figured I'd go out one last time, to say goodbye to the city and anyone who might be around.

I see her out AGAIN.

We have a great time with a variety of people. I remember so vividly one moment...our friend took a picture of us. Our friend pulls up the camera, and right like that, she snuggles into me. It was such a striking feeling. It felt naturalistic, like she was so warmed up to me.

Make no mistake, surely, I read into the taking of that picture too much. She was just posing for a picture. But I couldn't help but see it as a potentiality of what kind of chemistry we theoretically had. But it was all kept at bay by this controlling person in her life.

I can't put my finger on how much that little hug made me feel. It felt like such a confirmation of so many things, falling into place just hours before I barreled out of town for good.