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Topic : Lying about Money/Spending

Do you find yourself not telling the whole truth about where the money goes every month? Is your spouse or child untruthful about their spending habits? Share your stories and coping strategies.

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Lying about Money/Spending

My fiance and I have been together 71/2 years, living together for just over 5yrs. He is a good man with a good heart, but has a lot of luggage about communicating troubling things (he wants to protect everyone form his worries). Often this results in anxiety and stress which he has a habbit of attempting to releave through miss-guided spending. Twice he has taken my credit card and made on line purchases without my knowledge. The first time it was a few hundred dollars that we easily payed off, this last time it has totalled in the thousands and we are going to have a hard time fixing this. I usually was incharge of the family finances, but gave him the oppertunity to take over these duties when he became the primary financial support for the household, which he managed to get all messed up and I am once again taking them over and we are meeting an advisor at our bank to get everything straightened out. We are also meeting with our family doctor to get my fiance therapeutic help to deal with his long standing problems with handeling stress and shareing the un-pretty thoughts and feelings. His behavior, in many ways, reminds me of what Dr.Phill was saying about "sociopathes" (sp?) that they don't even connect thier actions to the pain they will causes, but when they get caught they are sorry. He always seems very repentent when his action are revealed, but ends up falling back into the same holes over and over. I still love him, despite all this, and we would like to stay together. I am looking for advice on working through this together, what steps to take in rebuilding. Thanks

financial report

I live with my fiance and have been for about 2 years- we've been together for three years. I leave my bills and pay stubs out- he knows what debts I have and how much money I make- but he is extremely secretive. I've asked him to be more open about it - he says he'll try- he hasn't- and that for him money is tied to pride and his sense of self-worth and he has a hard time talking about it. I've seen some docs (via some snooping which began accidentally, then the curiosity got the best of me) which shows he owes the IRS thousands of dollars and how much he made a couple years back. He doesn't know that I know about this. He bounces checks frequently- those little slips from the bank that come in the mail are unmistakable. I think I make about twice what he does and i know he probably feels shy about his financial situation. At what point does it become my business? Now that we're engaged, or only once we're married? I feel for you and your situation; I think as your relationship becomes more serious you have an increased right to know, but I'm not sure exactly where to draw that line. I will say though that if you're not engaged, and don't share any financial responsibilities, you don't have a right to know just yet. But I can't say for sure where to draw the line. I also wonder if I'm being too nosy since we're not yet married.... any suggestions for me to encourage him to share? Do I tell him what I know?

I've been married for only 5 months, but can already (sadly) say "been there, done that." I got married to a man who "told" me what his financial picture was, my only request was that he be financially independant, covering his own bills. Three months after the wedding, creditors were calling (he still has his old home unsold so things were still being mailed there) and I found that he hadn't made a single payment since we were married, was late for many previous payments, and his home was soon to be foreclosed. His truck was along the same line, about to be repo'd and over $500 in utilities. He wanted an equity loan to finish fixing up his home to sell (said it'd be 20k) but the bank refused him....he asked me. I put in BOTH our information (he was MAD, but I thought that's what he meant, really) and that's when I found out about the above information. I have no debt but am "only" a secretary (stating that for financial purposes) with 2 college kids. I WISH I had a financial report ... not to say I wouldn't have married him, I just would have said that it would not happen until he was financially up to date and the house was ready to sell.

I say it becomes your business when engaged or earlier if you're both agreeable. If he is ready for marriage, he needs to be ready for total disclosure....esp. finances. How many girlfriends he had in the past or anything that really has nothing to do w/ your future "togetherness" may not be your business, but his financial business IS and WILL have alot to do w/ your future. Also, please have a will/living will done before you get married. Nothing like being surprised after the fact (that incl. the financial disclosures)

BETHY00......CAN YOU TRUST "DISHONESTY"

I've been married for only 5 months, but can already (sadly) say "been there, done that." I got married to a man who "told" me what his financial picture was, my only request was that he be financially independant, covering his own bills. Three months after the wedding, creditors were calling (he still has his old home unsold so things were still being mailed there) and I found that he hadn't made a single payment since we were married, was late for many previous payments, and his home was soon to be foreclosed. His truck was along the same line, about to be repo'd and over $500 in utilities. He wanted an equity loan to finish fixing up his home to sell (said it'd be 20k) but the bank refused him....he asked me. I put in BOTH our information (he was MAD, but I thought that's what he meant, really) and that's when I found out about the above information. I have no debt but am "only" a secretary (stating that for financial purposes) with 2 college kids. I WISH I had a financial report ... not to say I wouldn't have married him, I just would have said that it would not happen until he was financially up to date and the house was ready to sell.

I say it becomes your business when engaged or earlier if you're both agreeable. If he is ready for marriage, he needs to be ready for total disclosure....esp. finances. How many girlfriends he had in the past or anything that really has nothing to do w/ your future "togetherness" may not be your business, but his financial business IS and WILL have alot to do w/ your future. Also, please have a will/living will done before you get married. Nothing like being surprised after the fact (that incl. the financial disclosures)

Sounds like a lot of dishonesty to me......however I'm sure he has told you that he lied because he was afraid he would loose you.....BULL!! He lied because that's the kind of person he is. I see that you went through a "bad" divorce before and now married again to someone who lied to you about finances....AFTER....you asked him about his finances. So now, with your two children in college....he is going to "expect" you to BAIL him out. Be prepared to take on a lot of debt if you stay with this guy. Do you love him that much??? Remember what Dr. Phil says about judging "future" behavior.......look at past behavior!!

FINANCE.........is the leading cause of divorce in this Country. You have started your marriage with two strikes against you. You say you have no debt.....KEEP IT THAT WAY.....do not purchase anything as a Joint Tenant with this guy. Give him an ultimatum to pay HIS debt and mean it!! Monitor his purchases and payoff of debt or he WILL lie to you again. You have already been through one bad divorce.....protect yourself and don't let it happen again!!!!!!

finances

Sounds like a lot of dishonesty to me......however I'm sure he has told you that he lied because he was afraid he would loose you.....BULL!! He lied because that's the kind of person he is. I see that you went through a "bad" divorce before and now married again to someone who lied to you about finances....AFTER....you asked him about his finances. So now, with your two children in college....he is going to "expect" you to BAIL him out. Be prepared to take on a lot of debt if you stay with this guy. Do you love him that much??? Remember what Dr. Phil says about judging "future" behavior.......look at past behavior!!

FINANCE.........is the leading cause of divorce in this Country. You have started your marriage with two strikes against you. You say you have no debt.....KEEP IT THAT WAY.....do not purchase anything as a Joint Tenant with this guy. Give him an ultimatum to pay HIS debt and mean it!! Monitor his purchases and payoff of debt or he WILL lie to you again. You have already been through one bad divorce.....protect yourself and don't let it happen again!!!!!!

Yes, I have already set myself up for not mingling any finances after this. My house is in my name, period, my car, period, etc.

The issue at hand which is showing the anger he has is my dog, 7 yr old Cairn Terrier (toto) that AFTER we got married he gave me an ultimatum of the dog or him. I was/am distraught about this (guess it is a diversion to the finances) and thought I found a home, but after 5 days, my dog must have had a "you're not my mommy so I don't have to listen to you" or "freaked out missing me" When I brought him back home, my hubby was a pressure cooker...we had counseling last night (Every monday night and the past month has been about his jealousy of the dog) where he threatened to snap the dogs neck if the dog snapped at him (the ONLY time the dog snapped, which is a few times yearly, is when somebody tries to take something from him w/o a food bribe). I found a rescue place for fear of my dogs safety but I am bawling, almost unfunctional at work, and just so depressed. My personal counselor says not to get rid of the dog, HIS counselor says if I cared about my hubby I'd get rid of him (guess who the dog lovers are?) and our marital counselor is befuddled by this and my hubby's demanding insistance of this ultimatum. His house still has alot of work to be done before it's sold (almost nothing has been done in the past 5 mths) but I do love him....and he has a 9 yr old, who he will yell at me and the dog relentlessly in front of. I go out for a walk when he does this and he vents to the girl. I told him last time he needs anger mgmt., but he says I need to stand by my belief (and it is my belief) that the husband should have the final say. I just wish he'd made these "says" BEFORE we were married. I wish we had nanny-cams all over so all the counselors could get a true picture of the interaction of the dog. Hubby has portrayed him as some nasty vicious attack dog. Terriers have some issues, but nothing like he has portrayed him as.

BETHY00......HE'S TRYING TO CONTROL YOU!!

Yes, I have already set myself up for not mingling any finances after this. My house is in my name, period, my car, period, etc.

The issue at hand which is showing the anger he has is my dog, 7 yr old Cairn Terrier (toto) that AFTER we got married he gave me an ultimatum of the dog or him. I was/am distraught about this (guess it is a diversion to the finances) and thought I found a home, but after 5 days, my dog must have had a "you're not my mommy so I don't have to listen to you" or "freaked out missing me" When I brought him back home, my hubby was a pressure cooker...we had counseling last night (Every monday night and the past month has been about his jealousy of the dog) where he threatened to snap the dogs neck if the dog snapped at him (the ONLY time the dog snapped, which is a few times yearly, is when somebody tries to take something from him w/o a food bribe). I found a rescue place for fear of my dogs safety but I am bawling, almost unfunctional at work, and just so depressed. My personal counselor says not to get rid of the dog, HIS counselor says if I cared about my hubby I'd get rid of him (guess who the dog lovers are?) and our marital counselor is befuddled by this and my hubby's demanding insistance of this ultimatum. His house still has alot of work to be done before it's sold (almost nothing has been done in the past 5 mths) but I do love him....and he has a 9 yr old, who he will yell at me and the dog relentlessly in front of. I go out for a walk when he does this and he vents to the girl. I told him last time he needs anger mgmt., but he says I need to stand by my belief (and it is my belief) that the husband should have the final say. I just wish he'd made these "says" BEFORE we were married. I wish we had nanny-cams all over so all the counselors could get a true picture of the interaction of the dog. Hubby has portrayed him as some nasty vicious attack dog. Terriers have some issues, but nothing like he has portrayed him as.

Don't you see that this issue about the dog is just a "diversion" to get attention away from his financial disasters, his faults. Plus.....he wants to CONTROL you. You even admit that you think the "MAN" should have the final say in the household. So.....you are willing to give up all your "power" to this man, who sounds like to me, has lied to you over and over and expects you to accept his authority as "Lord and Master" of the marriage. You have only been married five months and already in counseling??? Doesn't that raise a "red flag" to you??

We assume you had the dog "Toto" long before you got married, and I'm even going to guess that this dog was your emotional "blanket".....that someone who loved you unconditionally.....was always there for you and was a lot of comfort for you. At the very most....he should be willing to compromise with you.....tell you that he does not like the dog and ask you to keep the dog away from him as much as possible. If need be.......take the dog to Obedience School (at your expense) to be more "friendly" or "social" around people. I'm sure the dog is just being protective of you......but the dog was your friend BEFORE he was. KEEP theDOG!!!

You have two adult children, one sounds like she may be somewhat "difficult" to deal with, just keep the faith that she will mature enough to realize what her Mom does for her. On the other hand.....your husband has a 9 year old and Dad yells at you and Toto in front of her and drags her into ADULT issues. That child is only 9 years old and should NEVER be involved in adult problems.......no matter what!!!!! Tell your marriage counselor about that......and IF they don't tell him that is abuse.....find another counselor.

BETHY00.........here's my advise to you: Find a quiet place where you can think clearly and decide just what you are willing to do (because you love him) and what you are not willing to do (because you are in your forty's and you have been down this road before) then.......draw a line in the sand.....grow a backbone and DEFEND your decisions. I know it's tough and lonely being a single Mom at your age.....but it's also better to be alone and HAPPY than married and MISERABLE.

help with taxes

Oh how I hate this time of year. Everyone is busy getting their taxes done-eager to get money back or trying to pay the government back. Here we are-we have not done our taxes in about 14 years!! Where do I begin? what have I done!! We are not stupid people (well in this case we are)-we are both college educated, in fact my husband has a degree in accounting and a masters degree in finance!! I know there is no excuse-when you talk numbers and financial things to me,frankly my eyes glaze over and I am gone. Every year I am lulled into a sense of somewhat security when he tells me he is "working" on it. HE IS NOT!! This year we have a senior in high school and need to fill out financial aid info and to do that you need your tax forms-now what? I am in fear the IRS will knock on my door one day and take everything and we will go to jail or something will happen to my husband and I will be left with an enormous mess!! We desperatly need some direction and help-any advice is appreciated.

TAXNITEMARE....YOU NEED A TAX LAWYER

Oh how I hate this time of year. Everyone is busy getting their taxes done-eager to get money back or trying to pay the government back. Here we are-we have not done our taxes in about 14 years!! Where do I begin? what have I done!! We are not stupid people (well in this case we are)-we are both college educated, in fact my husband has a degree in accounting and a masters degree in finance!! I know there is no excuse-when you talk numbers and financial things to me,frankly my eyes glaze over and I am gone. Every year I am lulled into a sense of somewhat security when he tells me he is "working" on it. HE IS NOT!! This year we have a senior in high school and need to fill out financial aid info and to do that you need your tax forms-now what? I am in fear the IRS will knock on my door one day and take everything and we will go to jail or something will happen to my husband and I will be left with an enormous mess!! We desperatly need some direction and help-any advice is appreciated.

However I doubt that your Husband will agree with my statement. WOW.....I'm sure glad that your hubby never advised me about finances. I don't see how you have been able to avoid the I.R.S. for this long. What do you plan to do if your Son wants to go to College?? You DO realize that failing to file Income Tax is a CRIME don't you??? Yes, you are right about something happening to your husband.....you will be held responsible!!! Even if you divorced him at this point.....the I.R.S. would come after you because you were married at the time, knew he was not paying Taxes, and did nothing about it.

Here again we have a WOMAN who is College educated and allows the MAN to make all the decisions, hides her head in the sand because......HE is "taking care" of everything!!!!! When, when are you women going to grow a backbone and be a PARTNER in a marriage. You too have a brain and an opinion about how you want your life to be.....Use your brain!!

ADVISE: At this point......a Tax Attorney would be the best one to advise you on how to get this MESS cleared up, and it isn't going to be easy. Unfortunately, you said your husband is doing nothing about this and he will certainly continue do do what he has always done......"NOTHING." Why......because he feels he is more intelligent that anyone else therefore you will never get caught. That's a good role model for your Son!!!!

Help with my adult children, please

This is my story. Hope someone can help. I watch Dr. Phil daily, have all his books, refer back to them almost everyday. My children, son age 40 and daughter age 35, will not read Dr. Phil's book or watch him on TV. Ex-dau.-in-law convinced my son from the first Dr. Phil show, that she was smarted than Dr. Phil, and my son was not to listen to anything Dr. Phil or me had to say about anything. Son thought her words were the gospel.

My story...I'm over 60 yrs. old, been married to the same man for over 40 yrs. Our children have been grown for a number of years, now. We educated them, and they became stupied when they married.

But not nearly as stupid as I have become to believe there parents are.

You see, our son has become divorced this year, after almost twenty years of marriage. He is back in college and doing really well with it. The first week of school he met a twenty yrs. old girl (only girl in class). She started playing him. She needed help and wanted him as a study buddy. He and his wife was not getting along and after a few short weeks of college, he was back in the house with me and his Dad. Divorce was not final until this study-buddy ask him to marry her. He agreed. After they finished the schooling. In two week ithey will have finished. They planned to go over 200 miles away from here to get jobs and wanted to be married before they went. They checked on line for jobs and an apartment. Now my son has had a part-time job while in school. This paid his child support for his two children and the credit card (which is in his Dad's name)note for school and things needed for the course. The plans these two made is to add the apartment rent and deposit and everything they will need to start there marriage on this credit card of ours. Now this happened within the first marriage and it was HELL. I ttake care of our bills and always had to pay our son's CC notes and hope for him and his first wife to pay it back. Most the time we were paid back. My husband had a good job, but that company closed. My husband lost his job after almost 30 yrs. working there. My husband had to take a job ten thousand a year less pay. We lost everything from our health insurance to our savings. The company let all the over 50 people go first. Then closed the plant a few short month later.

Enough!!!

I refused to let our children use our credit cards. My husband disagrees and has gave them full access to HIS credit cards, to the max. If I don't like it I can get out. Well, where do I go. This morning both our children hate me. Our daughter agrees with her Dad. I told both of the son and daughter I was tired of doing without everything so they could use the credit card and sit around waiting and praying Dad will not live much longer so they can send these cc people Dad's death certificate, and they would owe the cc companies anymore. Well, these two children were taught not paying your bills was stealing.

Our son, daughter, and my husband hates me. I put up with this long enough. I'm not well. But enough is enough. Should I give in and stay stressed out forever, or get out and live on the streets?

What constitues financial abuse in your opinions?

Ten years ago when I moved in with my husband (married 7 years now) I was over $3000 in debt due to credit cards and high interest loans. He paid off my debt, not wanting to incur it, and then he had me cut up my cards as security. We now have three children, and I am no longer working outside the home. I get a weekly "allowance" and have to budget and use cash for everything. I get a certain amount for groceries, gas, and clothes for the kids. He pays all of the bills and the mortgage, and though I used to be so grateful for that, I feel foolish and child-like sometimes since I have no idea how much we pay every month or how he manages the bank accounts and investments. I now have no credit of my own, and though my name is on the mortgage, he is the sole owner of our vehicles.

I have always felt very uneasy about not having a credit card anymore, especially since I do a lot of highway travel, and winter in Canada can be treacherous on the roads. I would like to have one even just for emergency purposes. I have broached the subject with him on several occasions, and it's always just laughed at. He still thinks I am the most financially irresponsible person who ever lived though I've been paying cash for 10 years now and denying myself a lot of things that I would love to have, for myself and the kids. Recently we have been having a lot of marital problems, not related to this issue. It scares me to know that I could very well end up a single parent with no credit and no job (I can't go back to the only job I've ever done since it's in the healthcare field and my lisense is long expired, and for health reasons) so I'd like to get that somewhat secured now.

I talked to someone at the bank today about our investments and she highly recommended that I get a credit card in my name, but don't they always do that? I came home with the brochure, told him what she said, and when I told him that I would like to get a credit card, he literally laughed. When I began to explain why, he got angry and flat out refused to talk about it, saying it was the "stupidest thing he ever heard", and that he wouldn't allow it. He would have to co-sign the application since I'm not employed, but of course he wouldn't. I just felt so berated, disrespected and humiliated. LIke I was 13 years old and I was talking to my father. I began to cry, and left the room. It's hard to believe it's come to this, when 15 years ago in my first marriage I paid all of the bills, working more than fulltime, and had good credit despite the debt. He has been controlling in other areas in the past, but it has gotten much better, though there is still a lot of change that needs to take place.

I would love to hear from as many of you as possible just to tell me what you think of this situation. Am I over-reacting, or is he wrong? Thanks for reading!