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09 July 2005

A sacwed contwact

Sure, for a brief and beautiful moment, a gay or lesbian couple could get married by a city official in my town. And in much of the country, you can find a Unitarian Universalist church will be happy to do the marriage ceremony.

But who do you turn to if you want an even more extraordinary marriage? Why, the Church of the SubGenius, of course.

Witnessing Reverend Stang's mass marriages, and the degree of freedom he would give to his flock in their choice of partner (i.e. Your car keys, your dog at home, "Bob" ...), opened my eyes to the philisophical, religious, and cosmological varieties of "lifestyle" that ONLY the Church of the SubGenius, and an enthusiastic Clench, could provide!

Better yet, the types of marriages are color coded for your convenience.

1. A standard marriage between two present, willing live conscious aware people. These are White Marriages.

(From now on, "the betrothed" is taken to mean "one present, willing live conscious aware person". Godot.)

2. A marriage between the betrothed and a non-present, live individual who is not considered "unreachable" for reasons of celebrity and/or status; an absentee marriage. These are Navy Blue Marriages.

3. A marriage between the betrothed and a non-present, live individual who IS considered "unreachable" for reasons of celebrity and/or status; a celebrity-fantasy marriage. This includes famous living animals, like Mike the Dog, becuase the absent nature of the star obviates the usual need for sentient acquiescence. These are Sky Blue Marriages.
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11. A marriage between the betrothed and an intellectual, social or mental concept, like "injustice" or "the feeling you get when you remember where you left something" or "the price of cheese in Denmark"; a concept that, although possibly concerning things IN the physical universe, is beyond it in mental complexity. In other words, something you can't even BEGIN to try and put on the floor next to you for the ceremony. These are Orange Marriages.

12. A marriage between the betrothed and a generally fictional 'character', whether cinematic, literary, legendary or otherwise (Paul Bunyan, Captain Ahab, etc.): any "person" who, through social consciousness or fable, develops a pseudo-legitimate identity. These are Violet Marriages.
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15. A marriage in which the betrothed marries him/her/itself. This is a Silver Marriage.

16. A marriage between the betrothed and EVERYTHING. This is a Black Marriage.

Of course, there are even more exotic SubGenius marriages that are "wildly debated."

a. An Indigo Marriage is a marriage between a person and a concept, whereafter the person attempts to assert the legal validity of the marriage onto users, thinkers, or employers of that concept. (I.e. attempting to collect royalties from jazz bands because you've married the "Jazz" concept.)

b. Similarly, a Lavender Marriage is a marriage between a person and a concept "owned" by an individual thinker or philosopher, whereafter the person attempts to gain entrance into the thinker's life as an "in-law". (I.e. marrying "future shock" and trying to move in with Alvin Toffler.)
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g. A Chartreuse Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and any present, willing, live, conscious, physical, NON-HOMO SAPIENS entity: this includes alien beings, AI's, and any naturally or artificially introduced sapient animals, places, or things. The debate here is whether any such entities exist, or, more to the point, whether they want to get married.
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s. A Salmon Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and an 'imaginary friend' of any type. This is where it is admitted that the "spouse" is a figment, fabrication, extension or construct of the mind or psychic abilities of the first person. This includes computer simulations of people in which the simulation has not passed any approved Turing Tests for true AI certification, and, consequently, is assumed to be "assigned" individual status by the bethrothed, as in the case with an imaginary friend.

t. A Purple Marriage is virtually identical to a Violet Marriage, except that the betrothed is marrying a legendary figure as played by a specific real person! For example, I could choose to marry Supergirl from the comic books (Violet), OR I could choose to marry Supergirl as played by Helen Slater in Supergirl (Purple). Neat, eh?