Tag Archives: depression

Yeah. Sorry i haven’t written about this until now but i’ve been busy dealing with so much that has happened since December 17th. But lets get to the point. This post is part blog post and part diary entry so i can remember everything that happened that day.

Since thanksgiving i had been dealing with having blurry vision. Things got worse on the 15th of December when i started pissing a lot and constantly being thirsty. At first i thought it was merely the flu and me drinking way too much soda. But on Monday I decided to go to my local doctor and see if he could work me in. Well i spoke with his nurse and she came back to me and told me that my doctor said i should go to the emergency room with the symptoms I had, and so off i went to urgent care instead. At urgent care they had a three hour wait. I really thought about and decided to go to the emergency room instead. When i arrived at the emergency room it was already full up with people and it was 7 PM before they actually saw me. And I had been there since 12 PM.

They had already taken some blood from me while i was in the waiting room, so when they finally got me to a room in the emergency wing they had me lay on some kind of exam bed and wait. About 30 minutes later a nurse appeared and decided to give me a blood sugar test. She pricked my finger and got the blood, the glucose meter beeped and then she looked at me with wide eyes and said, “My meter can’t even read you. That means your blood sugar is really high. I’ll be right back.” And out the door she went. A few minutes later they are hooking me up to a IV and telling me that my blood sugar was over 800 and that i was a diabetic.

Yeah i was shocked to say the least, maybe even dismayed. But before i could panic or get really upset that song from the movie “Frozen” started going through my head. Yeah that song, “Let It Go.” Suffice to say that song had been stuck in my head on and off for days. I have no idea why it popped up at that moment, but it calmed me down a lot and just said that i would deal with it.

So i called my parents and they arrived and sat with me in the room. I just felt sort of upset but mostly calm, in fact i felt kinda dopey, even though i had not been given any kind of medication. At least i knew what was wrong and what i had to do. I just laid there and talked with my parents for more then two hours before they went home because they were tired. The nurses told me i would be stuck in that room until they had one open up and then around 10 PM they told me they were admitting me and the doctor that visited me told me that there was a good chance that i could beat the whole thing if they got me started on insulin and Metformin early on. That cheered me up a little but i had no idea how i was going to implement all of his suggestions.

Later on that night they moved me to a different room in the Emergency area, and i was supposed to go to sleep, but i didn’t. How could i? I had just been diagnosed with a life changing illness and to top it off the monitor seemed to beep every twenty minutes. Around 3 AM they came to do the morning blood tests, and so by about 4 maybe 5 AM i went to sleep. At 8 AM i woke up, my parents came in around 9 AM and they also fed me. The food was crap in my opinion. It was cold and it was diabetic food so yuck.

About two hours later they moved me to the Rapid Treatment center and told me that i would be discharged later that day. My parents went out and bought me some clothes since i was wearing a hospital gown my by then. At 2:30 PM they discharged me with some insulin injectors and a good-bye. Before i walked out of there i said good-bye to another man who came into the emergency room around the same time i did.

I spent the night at my parents’ place and during the day and night i was there my vision improved and i learned everything i needed to know about diabetes and injecting insulin and how i needed to change my eating habits. The next day though i was ready to go home and just be left alone so i could process everything that had happened to me. Suffice to say, that didn’t really happen. A lot happened in between the 17th and tonight. I will post on that later. But now I’ve updated myself and everyone who follows my blog. And now i have a new category to add to my list: diabetes. 😦

I have to admit the reasons were a little more personal and selfish, then just wanting to see my friend Mike again. *sigh* Back when i was younger I had a serious crush on my friend Mike. He knew i was bisexual but still accepted me as his best friend. We played around a few times over the years and I was very happy about it. I think i sort of fell in love with Micheal over time but nothing ever came of it. It was such a stupid dream. Mike had been a drug addict, he has no education, and he isn’t very bright. It was the main reason I never truly pushed for a relationship. He was mostly straight and i knew it would never work. Not with all the problems i knew the future might hold for us. I knew i wanted to settle down one day and have kids. There would be no way i could do that with Micheal. I love the man but…well he’s basically a dim-bulb. The years of drug use when he was a teen has basically fried his brain and now, while he has been clean and sober for more the 8 years…well like i said he ain’t much.

We’ve remained close throughout 2o years of friendship and there is nothing i wouldn’t do for him, and he for me. Even though he is now married and his priorities have changed quite a bit. He has a son now, and i can’t stand his wife. I won’t mention her name but she and i clash mainly because of our personalities. But also how she treats Micheal. I still remember that day more then 10 years ago when he told me he had been suddenly kissed by some guy in a restroom in Sears. The details were so vivid. I thought maybe it was a sign. We came pretty close that night but he chickened out and i backed off. two years later i asked him about that night and he admitted to me that he had been high as a kite, and the so-called kiss had been nothing more then a drug-induced hallucination. He still doesn’t know, or understand, how much that hurt. Memories are truly precious things, and to know it was because he was on drugs totally ruins it all in some way. A few days ago i was in the shower and i was once again at a point where i was ready to move on from the depression and misery. Start a new life and start dating again. But something started bothering me. So i went to Micheal to get the answers i needed. I felt I couldn’t move on without them.

We went to a local bar & restaurant, where we chatted it up for about a hour before i plucked up enough courage to ask him my question. I asked him if he had been on drugs during the times we had been intimate, and told him to be truthful. He admitted he had been on drugs every time except for one. Ecstasy. Although through much of those times he had claimed he was clean and sober. I asked why he had fucking lied about that. He said it wasn’t all that serious, that Ecstasy had really helped him when we had been together. I told him he was full of shit, and i hinted his performance had always been lackluster in that department. I asked him if he had been on drugs when we had a threesome with Stacey. He said yes. I was pissed and hurt, but it quickly passed. There was no use in being angry. He asked me if i was truly upset with him. I told him i had been for a moment, but i had actually pushed all those liaisons so I got what i asked for. Shitty sex with my best friend who was a crack addict. But i still told him the fact that he had fucked Stacey when he was on drugs had pissed me off.

I told him the memories were still precious to me, although they were now somewhat tainted. We still ended up laughing about it all. I have to admit, a part of me hurts but I’m glad i know the whole truth now. Did it help me move on? I don’t know. Maybe i don’t care. Maybe God is just giving me my just desserts or something. Payment for my sins and all. *sigh*

But i guess…thats life, filled with beautiful memories and disappointments…

I don’t know why. I want to scream, rave, rant, and fucking curse. It just doesn’t feel fair. i’m not over things yet. I was at the club and while I’m not really the mingling type. I was almost totally anti-social, which is no surprise I’m almost always like that at clubs. I just sat at the electronic games and put in a few dollars. After about 45 minutes i got up and started walking around. It got worse, i started feeling resentment to the couples and the friends having a good time. I realized i can truly count the number of times on two hands i’ve actually had fun at a club. Today i clicked on a link to one of my comments and i saw a picture of the girl who commented. I had been thinking on writing her personally but she looks so much like Stacey in someways…I couldn’t bring myself to make a comment. I still can’t. I thought about her when i was at the club and how i’ve seen two other girls that look like Stacey over the last few weeks and how at the club i sometimes look for Sara to show up and i just became so miserable that I left. I was almost in tears.

Why am i not over this yet? A part of me feels i don’t have time to be miserable. I’m 30 years old i have to move on and find my life again, but i can’t. Its not fucking fair! goddamnit why can’t i move on? I want to go away for a while, but i can’t. I don’t have the time on my job to run away either. Its like one big fucking joke you know…

i haven’t written in over two weeks now. i have to admit i have been in mourning, depression, and a lot of anger at God, the world, and even myself. I had no idea grief and mourning felt this way. I realize I’ve never truly mourned anyone’s passing before. Not even close family members. It feels like its so hard to write now. A part of me doesn’t want to look at this blog because i feel it will dredge up bad memories. but i realize i have to have the courage to start moving on. From Stacey and from Sarah.

Unfortunately i am also suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome. This has made long periods of writing, and even some short periods, next to impossible due to a lot of pain. But I’ll find a way to write because i really need to get back to living again. And writing here definitely helps me. Right now though i am physically tired for some reason. So i feel like laying down and taking a nap more then anything else at the moment. I will probably do just that after i finish this post. And yes i will say something about what happened. Maybe. I strongly stress the word MAYBE now because it depends on how i feel about having that on the blog to remind me of what happened.