hail to the trump

A Terrifying Look at Our Eventual Trump Presidency

January 20-21, 2017

President-elect Trump insists on being inaugurated twice, on consecutive days, because “demand is through the roof. Kennedy, Reagan never had crowds like this. The Bushes? They were lucky to draw three lobbyists and an ugly hooker.”

Illustration by Dave Wittekind.

March 3, 2017

The New York Times men’s-style section runs trend piece noting new Washington vogue for pink power ties knotted so that the tips reach the wearers’ pants’ inseams.

Illustration by Dave Wittekind.

November 5, 2017

President Trump proposes Ivanka Trump as the new face of the $10 bill, saying, “She’s a piece. Fantastic body, skin, face. I’d probably date her if I wasn’t her father and she wasn’t the attorney general.”

Illustration by Dave Wittekind.

April 30, 2018

President Trump diffuses Israeli-Palestinian tensions over the West Bank by observing, “Who even cares? Have you seen the golf courses in Hebron?”

Illustration by Dave Wittekind.

August 2, 2018

Constitutional crisis erupts over question of whether writing, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHAT IS MITCH McCONNELL EVEN WORTH?,” in big letters across a piece of legislation constitutes a formal veto. Supreme Court says yes, citing president’s use of emphatic gold Sharpie.

Illustration by Dave Wittekind.

September 28, 2018

Americans are surprised to learn that the president and First Lady are still living in their Trump Tower apartment in New York. “Washington is a hick town,” the president explains. “And the White House food is awful. Disgusting. Rosie O’Donnell wouldn’t eat it.”

Illustration by Dave Wittekind.

December 9, 2018

President Trump sparks an international incident when he calls Angela Merkel “a three, at best.” U.S.-German tensions endure despite White House’s best efforts at diplomacy.

Illustration by Dave Wittekind.

February 17, 2019

Jittery nation holds its breath when the president puts the military on Defcon 2 alert during three-day Twitter war with a senior BuzzFeed correspondent.

October 29, 2019

Washington Post reveals “President Trump” is not technically running the country. Thanks to a cleverly structured licensing deal, the actual U.S. president is a consortium of Malaysian real-estate investors. Nevertheless, re-election plans continue apace.