This week, from Jacksonville, FL, Kane is desperately trying to get Paul Bearer back from Edge while the Rated-R Superstar has his eyes on Kane’s World Heavyweight Championship; and Alberto Del Rio continues to make life hard for Rey Msyterio. With the exception of Lay-Cool losing the Divas Championship, it’s almost as if Survivor Series never happened for Smackdown.

Kane opens the show by storming the ring, bathing the arena in his customary, terrifying blood-red glow, speaks of the devastation he could unleash upon Edge if he chose to ... and then he changes gears completely by announcing that he’s not a monster. He has feelings. He loves family holidays. It even looks like he cut himself shaving. In one swift promo, Kane is suddenly as intimidating as Isaac Yankem, DDS. Edge, for his part, emerges with an empty wheelchair and even gets Kane to ask politely for his father’s release – magic word included. Edge denies him, leaving the big red monster’s feelings hurt.

While the Survivor Series format was almost scrapped this year due to its supposedly irrelevant nature, the King of the Ring concept is a great example of how these older concepts can be made to be relevant. Notable in this match: even Kingston has a hard time leaping over top of the 6’5” Swagger as he runs the ropes, and Kingston hits his Boom Drop on Swagger while he’s laying across the corner ropes in something I can only think to call the Bridge of Woe. Kingston finishes him off with Trouble in Paradise to advance in the tourney.

Winner via pinfall: Kofi Kingston

Kane, the Fuzzy Red Monster, is in Teddy Long’s office, calmly seeking his help to get Paul Bearer back. As Long is explaining that he doesn’t really sympathize, Edge appears on a TV screen and shows Kane that he and Bearer are in a bathroom on the other side of the arena. Kane uses the commercial break to make it to the bathroom, but all he finds is an empty wheelchair and a sign that says “Gone Fishin’”. Elsewhere, Josh Matthews hears from Alberto Del Rio, not surprisingly promising to be King Del Rio.

Big Show’s chops, head-butts and clotheslines aren’t enough to get past the sneaky Del Rio, who gets an assist from his personal announcer. Ricardo Rodriguez grabs Big Show’s ankle and, while he receives a knock-out punch for his efforts, it makes Big Show miss the count and allows Del Rio to advance.

Winner via count-out: Alberto Del Rio

Edge appears in the crowd with Bearer, asking Kane to come out and talk. While Kane denounces Edge as a monster, Edge asks the crowd whether or not he should roll Bearer down the arena stairs. Although they heartlessly cheer yes, Kane stops the madness by giving Edge another title shot. Kane tries to chase them down but all he ends up with is another empty wheelchair.

Match #3 – MVP vs Drew McIntyre - King of the Ring Qualifying Match

MVP’s upper-body issues continue as McIntyre stomps his arm against the steel steps. Even though MVP does connect with his Ballin’ Elbow, his arm gives out on him shortly after, allowing McIntyre to hit the Future Shock DDT and win with the type of arrogant cover that rarely works.

Winner via pinfall: Drew McIntyre

Backstage, Jack Swagger is taking his frustrations out on his mascot, berating the Eagle for the loss earlier on. Swagger walks away, revealing Hornswoggle, who is clearly uninterested in Rosa Mendes’ burnt turkey. He does see the Eagle, though, and apparently takes him down with a bow and arrow for a big dinner.

Match #4 – Michelle McCool (w/ Layla) vs. Kelly Kelly

Lay-Cool has a few moments to address the crowd in McCool’s hometown, running the fans and the other Divas down. Not long into the match, Kelly grabs onto the ropes to prevent McCool from setting up the Faith Breaker, then rolls McCool up for the win and the continued decline of the Lay-Cool empire.

Alberto Del Rio joins the announcing team for this one, though they don’t even have a chair for him. This is a fast-paced match built mostly around near-falls. Mysterio has Rhodes right where he wants him for the 619, but Del Rio yells a warning to Rhodes which allows him to roll out of the ring. Mysterio tries to even the odds by dropping Del Rio with a seated senton on the floor, but back in the ring, Rhodes unintentionally knocks down the ref. This allows Del Rio a moment to crotch Mysterio on the ring post, which, coupled with Cross Rhodes, is enough to send Rhodes into the next round.

Winner via pinfall: Cody Rhodes

Kane is back in Teddy Long’s office, yelling and threatening and trying to act all tough – but now, of course, we know he really just needs a hug. Edge appears on the TV screen again, telling Kane to come out to the parking lot and he can take Bearer back. Kane runs out just in time to see a car plow into a wheelchair with a Paul Bearer dummy in it (dummy not available at WWEShop.com). Kane then sees Edge take off in a car with Bearer in the back seat.

Dave Hillhouse is a screenwriter and teacher, and was trying to work in a joke about Kane just being a bigger version of Elmo, but it didn’t fit anywhere.