Ted Turner will prove God exists by “donkey punching him in the afterlife”

Ted Turner is the maverick entrepreneur who will put his size 16’s through the pearly gates and read Marilyn Manson’s autobiography aloud while making the one true God suck his cock on the backs of angels.

If you don’t believe this to be true, obviously you don’t know Ted Turner very well.

Ted Turner has made it his personal mission to tell the conventions of life to fuck themselves in the ear canal. And while a normal human being might leave that message in the abstract, Mr. Turner has streamlined the message right up to the top floor: Mr. God himself.

“He’s Not as Hard as He Makes Himself Out to Be”

The 75-year-old Turner is ready to die. He submerges himself in a pool of milk every day in anticipation of this monumental event. And when that glorious time finally arrives, he plans on inserting himself into the lord’s anal cavity, then punching God in the back of the head at the moment of orgasm.

“This God character thinks he’s some kind of hot patootie,” says Turner. “He’s no better than me. Though I’m about to turn 76, I’ve actually been alive for nearly 1,000 years and I’m confident that with that amount of experience, I can both prove that God exists and have man-on-deity butt-buggery with said God at the same damn time. I’m Ted Turner bitch, this shit doesn’t have to make sense!”

Ted Turner plans on taking the lord’s anus by storm with his mighty oaken manhood. When he finishes, he’ll post something about it on Instagram. Then he plans on living in heaven rent-free for the rest of time because he’s Ted Turner biiiiiiiitch! It’s good to be the king.