Kyle Wagner

So today represented a pretty important typically uneventful and depressing day for the ongoing NBA labor negotiations. Commissioner Stern and the players' union are going to meet again at noon tomorrow, but talks haven't been very productive, and I need some goddamn NBA basketball. Here are some proactive ways you can get your NBA fix, even without an official NBA season.

Being a fan of a sports team is a lot about having something to come home to and watch. Sure, this won't replace the suspense and the community and the rest of it, but if your team's been any good in the past decade or few, you can nab a DVD set of the glory day games, which will probably be less depressing than watching your actual team come in without a training camp and after a long layoff. $20

During the sad and non-(non-self)-sexually-active period of my life, I used to keep a totally simulated season active as background noise for my dorm room while I was writing papers. I would watch a bunch of artificial intelligence-controlled avatars of basketball players render animations driven by some underlying algorithm. I would do this for an hour or so, then pore over the stats afterward, both game and league wide. When there was still an actual basketball season going on. What I'm saying is, I really need there to be NBA basketball soon. And maybe you do, too. $50 for NBA2K12

Okay, fine, I'm nuts and you're not. You're right. Well here's a way to get your simulated box score fix without irrepairably damaging your self-respect for the rest of your life. What If Sports is simulating each week of the NBA season with cumulative stats and commentary. The service also lets you create a team of historical NBA players and simulate it against teams that other nerds have conjured up. $10

Down four, 11 seconds left. Johnson is fouled... AND HITS!!! Imaginary basketball was probably a big part of your collegiate life, and you know what? It's still a good way to spend the evening. Invite some buddies over, maybe some ladies, maybe the wife or the kids or the dog, have a beer, shoot some mini-hoops, and bitch about LeBron. $2,200

Let's shoot the moon before we wrap up here. Phil Jackson—who coached the Bulls and Lakers to 11 combined NBA titles—retired from basketball after last season, but the Zen Master's still available on the public speaking circuit. For the right price, you can get him to come give motivational speeches to you and yours while you're, you know, returning email or driving the girls to soccer practice or sucking wind and bitching that the other guys at the court always get the tall guy. $50,000+

So maybe things aren't going well with the negotiations, but you have a chance to get involved with the talks, if you've got fat enough bankroll. The Atlanta Hawks were just almost sold, and then quickly yanked off the market. The going price before the deal fell through? About $170 million. But if one of you darling readers happens to be fabulously wealthy, a huge sports fan, and easily manipulated by technology bloggers, you can swoop in and make a sweetheart offer, swing the tide of the negotiations, and bring NBA basketball to the masses. $171 million+