The last few months of Naruto's three year training trip have unforeseen consequences, as the skills he gains from a mysterious sensei make him both powerful... And vulnerable. Not quite a parody of Super!Naruto stories, but in that general direction...

Disclaimer:
Oh, yeah. I SO own Naruto. That's why I have to bust my ass
working at minimum wage to pay for college. Psh. Sure.

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"NARRUUUUUU-CHAAAANNNNN!!!"

Naruto was only a
partial believer in God (a small church set up by people from the
West had been the only religious place he could go without being
chased out), but he found himself cursing the deity for turning his
life into a comedy of errors.

"Naruto! Exactly how
did you get into this situation?" Ayame asked, warm breath tickling
his ear as her bosom pushed into his back. Naruto managed not to
blush too much at this. I mean, it was Ayame-nee-chan! She was
practically his big sister!

"It's a long story…
Let's just say I need to make Ero-Sennin very dead when this
is over," Naruto replied, hopping from telephone pole to telephone
pole so smoothly Ayame barely felt any shock.

"NARU-CHAN! GET BACK
HERE DAMN YOU!" Anko shrieked again, swiftly catching up to them on
the ground. Naruto gulped… And smirked.

"KAGE BUNSHIN NO
JUTSU!" Naruto bellowed, and two dozen of his clones appeared
like a halo around his head. They fell back to Earth and assumed a
fighting formation as the sex-crazed kunoichi approached.

"GOOD LUCK GUYS!"
The original yelled. Among the Kage Bunshins, one's eyes flared red
very briefly. He smirked.

"Oi, fellas-Since
we're going to go 'poof' anyway, I don't think I want to die
a virgin, do you?" The other Shadow Clones looked at eachother…
Before shrugging and turning back to Anko with smiles.

"I have a chakra link
to them at all times. Kind of like a telephone line. When one of them
is destroyed, their memories are transferred back to me," Naruto
said matter of factly. Ayame giggled as Naruto raised an eyebrow at
her.

"Hey! What's so
funny?"

"You! You're
talking so formally and intelligently! It's quite a change from the
last time I saw you," Ayame smiled. "Tell me, when was the last
time you said 'dattebayo'?" Naruto frowned thoughtfully, and
shrugged.

"So, what was it that
your bunshin was doing that made you blush?" She asked, a small
smirk on her face. Naruto sighed, before opening a chakra link to the
Kyuubi. He had to figure out how to shut it off entirely or
he'd never get any peace!

Bastard fox… Just
what the hell are you hoping to accomplish by having women lust after
me like this?!

IT GOT YOU LAID,
DIDN'T IT? Thrown a bit by the Kyuubi's usage of that
particular colloquialism, Naruto managed to find his anger again in an instant.

THAT WASN'T ME!
THAT WAS A KAGE BUNSHIN!

I'M SURE THE
MEMORIES ARE WORTH IT REGARDLESS.

You keep this up and
our deal's off! The Kyuubi laughed mockingly through the link.

WITHOUT ME, WHELP,
YOU DON'T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST THE SNAKE. THE ASSASSIN'S
TRAINING HAS MADE YOU A MATCH FOR YOUR SENSEI WITH THE SHARINGAN, BUT
AGAINST A SANNIN, WELL… Naruto growled, out loud and over the
link, causing Ayame to stare.

"Naruto? Are you
allright?" The blond coughed and blushed… And blushed even more
when another kage bunshin was… Dispelled.

"Um… Oh look!
There's the ramen stand, Ayame-nee-chan! Man, am I hungry!" Ayame
smirked. She could guess what his clones were up to. It was very
perverted, but then this was Naruto. His determination to keep
her out of the path of that Anko woman was so like him.

So why was she feeling
a twinge of jealousy when she thought of what that Anko woman was
doing, and with whose clones?

"Naruto!" She
chided, as the blond ninja's nose nearly exploded in blood
as they landed. He fell to his knees, shivering as she held his nose.
Ayame sighed and knelt down, holding out a handkerchief to try and
stem the flow.

"C'mon, I'll get
you a miso ramen. On the house," she said comfortingly, as she led
the blond away.

Elsewhere, an extremely
satisfied Anko had curled up under a henge to rest a while in the
sun. Appropriately enough as a cat with snake-like eyes.

"Mmmm… Not bad…
But needs more experience," she purred.

And far to the east, a
pair of green-clad nin were racing as fast as they could for home.
Their trek had taken two days already, but they swore if it took them
one more day they'd run from Konoha to Suna right back to where
they started from in half the time…

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The cavern was one of
dozens, perhaps hundreds, within the Akatsuki base. Wide and vented
well, it was perfect as a training field. Deidara himself had always
preferred it when practicing his art. Even now, the blond smirked
nastily across the dirt floor at his opponent.

"Well, well… You
didn't turn out so bad for an old geezer, yeah?" Deidara crooned
mockingly. His opponent was clad in a black T-shirt, black pants, and
traditional nin sandals over leg wrappings. Hanging from a simple
belt was a leather sheath for a short straight sword. Clearly a man
in gender, he was more solidly built that Deidara but taller, a body
profile one might expect to find on a dedicated athlete. His face was
rough and unshaven, a square jaw underneath and sharp, beak-like nose
and narrowed brown eyes. His hair was silvery gray and almost
fur-like, short and ruffled.

The grey-haired nin
sighed, pulling out his blade. It was short, barely two-thirds of a
meter long, with a single edge and slight curve at the tip. Deidara
smirked and forced chakra into his palms, bending down before sucking
dirt into his palm-mouths and quickly molding the resulting clay into
weapons.

"Nothing to say?"
His opponent rolled his eyes, one hand behind his back. Deidara
unleashed a flock of clay insects from his hands, the
chakra-explosives buzzing and humming like the real thing and
swarming for the nin.

"KATSU!" The
swarm exploded all around the barrier, kicking up dust and debris.
Deidara quickly fashioned several clay exploding birds before
cautiously approaching. He frowned, chakra pulling lightly on his
senses. However, where from he wasn't sure…

"Die," said a small
voice behind him, and Deidara had two birds fly behind him.

"Katsu!" The
explosions were focused but Deidara leapt away anyway, surveying the
area carefully while in mid-air. His opponent was hiding…

Deidara landed near one
of the walls, carefully reaching out with his chakra senses. He could
sense the other members of Akatsuki nearby, watching the "training
session". He could pick up what seemed to be another source, very
close…

A strong arm was
suddenly around his throat and he choked as the tip of a blade was
put between his shoulder blades.

"Meisaigakure no
Jutsu," his assailant whispered, just before he drove the sword
through the blond's chest. Deidara gasped, blood dripping out of
his mouth as he felt his heart abruptly stop beating. His vision grew
dark, as the dirt floor approached.

Stupid Sasori's
going to gloat about his art now… Was his last thought.

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"Meisaigakure no
Jutsu, huh?" Kisame commented blandly, as the
grey-haired nin finished his masterful performance by slicing
Deidara's head off. The blond head rolled in the dirt only a foot,
an expression of shock frozen onto the "artist's" face.

"Impressive. He used
Shadow clones to herd Deidara right into his trap," the Akatsuki
leader observed. "He has regained his abilities very quickly."

"Hm… Looks like
I'll be needing a new partner then," Sasori added coldly. He had
not particularly cared for the blond, and the fact that he'd been
so easily defeated only reinforced his disdain for a "fellow
artist".

"Tusume. Return to
your cell." The grey-haired nin deathglared the Akatsuki leader,
right where he was observing from the one-way, genjutsu-disguised
glass… Before turning away and stalking to a door that opened up on
the far side of the cavern.

"The Dog may be the
weakest of the Tailed Beasts, but its will is far beyond any
mortal's. Redirected through the seal, he will never act
against any of us… Unless I order it first." The Akatsuki leader
held in a smirk as he perceived Itachi's heartbeat change, only a
little. "Now then… Let us begin preparations for finding a new
member."

"Can I eat the
remains?" Zetsu asked, the black side of his face licking it's
lips. The leader sighed.

"Leave the ring. The
rest you may have."

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Tenten bit her lower
lip as the somewhat familiar form of Tusume reappeared in
their cell. As far as prisons went, this one at least had a clean
stone floor and bunks, as well as a toilet. Clearly they intended for
them to stay a while. Just her and her…

"What happened to
you?" Tenten asked, sitting on one of the bunks in question. Tusume
sighed, tossing his ninjaken onto the floor and sitting on the
bunk across from her.

"I killed the
transvestite." Tenten raised a single, elegant eyebrow.

"Which one?"

"The blond one."

"Oh yeah… Fast?"
Tusume nodded.

"Too bad," the
weapons specialist sighed. Tusume frowned.

"I'm sorry, I've
only gotten a demon shoved into my body which caused me to
regress in age by at least three decades, in the last
two days. Oh yeah, and they've had me fighting constantly to
get back into some kind of shape. Next time I'll draw it out
so my unstable chakra will fry me." Tenten glared back.

"If you're so
strong, why don't you kill them all?" Tusume sighed.

"I got the blond
because he underestimated me. The others won't." Tenten
glowered, before looking at the far wall in a huff. Tusume sighed,
leaning back against his wall with his eyes closed. Even now, he
could feel the seal working it's so-called magic on him. His chakra
was back, his stamina too-The design of the seal, however, only let
the most passive elements of the demon affect him. He had to give the
Akatsuki leader credit-He wasn't a seal master, but this one was
top-notch.

And if I try to mess
with it, it kills me instantly. Or if I try to attack someone he
hasn't given me permission to, he thought darkly. He opened his
eyes and looked at Tenten again. The bunned girl looked back, and
resumed glaring at him.

"What?" The girl
gritted her teeth. Tusume nodded mentally. God, does this bring
back memories…

"HOW THE HELL ARE YOU
MY FATHER?! I mean, HOW OLD ARE YOU ANYWAY?! And WHAT the hell do
they need you for? OR ME?!" Tenten raged, standing up and
shaking her fists at him. Tusume grimaced.

"Well, looks like you
got your mom's temper-HEY!" The smaller girl had grabbed Tusume
by the collar and was snarling in his face. He gulped.

"You. Have skirted.
The issue. FOR TWO DAYS! Now you're going to tell me EVERYTHING, or
so help me I'll MAKE SURE YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY MORE KIDS!
UNDERSTAND?!"

Tusume nodded, and she
slowly backed off. She sat on the cot and glared, tapping one foot
while crossing her arms under her chest.

"Well?" She
hissed. Tusume groaned.

"Okay, okay, fine…
First off… I'm sure you're aware of the birds and the bees-"

"Would you like me to
perform the Castration Jutsu right now?" Tenten asked. Tusume
sighed.

"'The Village
Hidden in the Snow'?Yeah, Naruto and his team went on a mission
there a few years back." Tusume frowned.

"Naruto?"

"Er, Uzumaki Naruto. He's a... friend of mine," Tenten explained, though she had
a slight blush on her face.

Irony, thy name is
Tusume, the older nin mentally sighed.

"Anyway, I was sent
on an assassination mission there, about sixteen years ago. I was
supposed to find the leader of the rogue nin who'd conquered the
place from the inside and kill him, because he'd begun making deals
with some missing nin within the Land of Fire to start terrorist
bombings against Konoha."

"Why?"

"The guy (name was
Seto, by the way) was fucked in the head, that's why. Thought he
could terrorize Konoha into backing off from it's current holdings
after the war against Cloud. Anyway, I posed as a weapons dealer and
was soon admitted to Seto's base. Basically, I would arrange for
massive amounts of illegal weaponry to filter into Snow in exchange
for a hefty payout after his plan succeeded." Tenten leaned
forward.

"Your mother's name
was Junko, and she was of a group of women Seto's group had
gathered up from the local villagers as whores. She was sent to me
for the night… And if we didn't… You know… She'd have been
killed. It was their way of breaking their women." Tenten's grip
on the edge of her bed tightened, but she stayed otherwise outwardly
calm.

"… I see."

"Don't be that way.
She used to be the village librarian," Tusume tried to smile
comfortingly. "Hell, it was her who helped me get in to kill the
bastard." Tenten blinked.

"She did. Turns out
Seto was keeping her around for more than one reason… Sorry."

"I've heard worse."

"Right. That reason
was a device, a powerful and ancient one, that was thought of only as
a legend. Seto thought he could get his hands on it if he had her
research through the libraries, as she was one of the few who could
read the old language the texts referring to the machine were in."
Tusume sighed. "So anyway… She made up a story about me having
some knowledge of old technology like what was mentioned in the
texts. This got me to a meeting with him, in private, as the paranoid
bastard didn't want his subordinates knowing about it."

"And then?"

"Then, well… I
tried to kill him, but the bastard was strong. I managed to keep him
from alerting his goons but even trapping him in the office with a
special jutsu didn't last long. But, one of Seto's men, Doto,
turned on him. He'd been hiding in the office the whole time-Heard
Junko and my plan. Creepy bastard had this fixation on her… He
stabbed his leader in the back, and let me go." Tenten frowned.

"Kid… Tenten… I'm
sorry, but…" The girl's frown deepened as her bangs fell over her eyes.

"You didn't love
her, did you."

Tusume felt a heavy
weight in his chest that had nothing to do with the demon sealed
inside. He sighed.

"No. I didn't. She
didn't love me either, for that matter. She wanted to stay with
Doto, be at his side and rule the country together… She sent a
message a year later, telling me that she'd given birth to a child.
It wasn't Doto's, which made him furious, but instead of killing
it-You-he offered to let me come and pick you up. And I did so. I
brought you to Konoha." Tenten drooped even further.

"… You weren't
authorized to go, huh?" Tusume sighed yet again. He seemed to be
doing that a lot.

"No. I couldn't
claim you as my kid legally, either, since you were born outside the
country. It's kind of fortunate that, in the mess following the
Kyuubi attack, I was able to put you in an orphanage, claiming that
I'd found you bawling in the ruins of the hospital. Nobody asked me
any more questions, and any support I gave you on the sly was just
seen as, well, sympathy. But I couldn't go any further than that
because, well… Doto wanted no hint of your origins found. None."
Tenten nodded slowly, numbly.

"So… You're the
one who… Looked out for me financially all those years?" Tusume
nodded and smirked, a hint of paternal pride in his eyes.

"Yeah… You're
probably the finest weapons mistress I've seen in a while."
Tenten flushed a bit and smiled timidly back.

"Thanks… Um…"

"Look. Don't call
me Dad. It's-"

"Really
awkward," Tenten finished. "At least, you know… Right now."

"Believe me… I'd
have done-"

"It's okay… I
understand," Tenten spoke, quietly but honestly to Tusume's
senses. "It's part of The Life." Tusume nodded.

"Well, you heard how
the Beast of Holding is the only thing that can hold a Bijuu?"
Tenten nodded.

"Yes…"

"Well, it can only
hold a Bijuu if it's physical body is stripped away first. I tried
to use it on the Kyuubi… And lost thirty years of my life, while it
continued to rampage." Tusume shrugged. "I at least bought some
more time for the Fourth to figure out how to defeat the damn thing…"
Tenten nodded.

"And now… They're
going to have you summon it, to seal away the Biju, so they can…
Rule the world?" Tenten fidgeted awkwardly. "For… me?"

"No offense, but I'm
not sacrificing the world for anything… Not even you,"
Tusume stated bluntly. Tenten nodded.

Thank
God for hyperactive plot bunnies! With which I write REALLY fast!
Hope this plot development arc isn't boring you guys too badly. And
I hope Tenten's backstory I made up isn't making you cringe. Yes,
there are refs to the first Naruto movie. I hoped it would make it
more authentic. Like it, hate it, I'd appreciate a review telling
me about it.

NEXT
TIME: Gai and Lee relate Tenten's fate, leading Danzo to order
Team 7 out to… Sunagakure? And who is waiting for them in the Land
of Winds?

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted.