Why You're Miserable After a Move

Moving to a new town decreases happiness. Here's why—and what to do about it.

No one who packed up a U-Haul this summer would disagree with the notion that moving is a miserable experience. Whether you went 20 miles or 2,000, the sheer stress and exhaustion of packing up your entire life and setting it down again in a different place is enough to induce at least a temporary funk.

Unfortunately, new research shows that the well-being dip caused by moving may last longer than previously expected. In a 2016 study in the journal Social Indicators Research, happiness researchers from the Netherlands and Germany recruited young adult volunteers in Dusseldorf between 17 and 30, a mix of locals and migrants from other parts of Germany, and used an app to regularly ping them with four questions:

How are you feeling?

What are you doing?

Where are you?

Who are you with?

Over the course of two weeks, study participants talked, read, shopped, worked, studied, ate, exercised and went for drinks, sometimes alone, sometimes with a partner, family, or friends. By the end, some interesting data had emerged.

First, Movers and Stayers spent their time differently. The Movers, for instance, spent less time on “active leisure” like exercise and hobbies—less time overall, in fact, on all activities outside the home/work/commute grind. Movers also spent more time on the computer than Stayers—and they liked it more.

Second, even though Movers and Stayers spent similar amounts of time eating with friends, Stayers recorded higher levels of enjoyment when they did so.

Study authors Martijn Hendriks, Kai Ludwigs, and Ruut Veenhoven posit that moving creates a perfect storm of unhappiness. As a Mover, you’re lonely because you don’t have good friends around, but you may feel too depleted and stressed to invest in social engagements outside your comfort zone. Anyway, you’re not getting nearly as many invitations because you don’t know as many people.

The worse you feel, the less effort you put into activities that have the potential to make you happier. It’s a downward spiral of motivation and energy exacerbated by your lack of the kinds of friends who can help you snap out of it. As a result, Movers may opt to stay home surfing the internet or texting far-away friends, even though studies have tied computer use to lower levels of happiness.

When Movers do push themselves to go for drinks or dinner with new friends, they may discover that it’s less enjoyable than going out with long-time friends, both because migrants can’t be as choosey about who they hang out with, and because their ties aren’t as tight, which can make them feel less comfortable and supported. That can simply reconfirm the desire to stay home.

The answer is: not really. I hate to say that because for as much as I tout the benefits of putting down roots in a single place, I’m not actually anti-moving. It can sometimes be a smart solution to certain problems.

However, Finnish, Australian, and UK studies have shown that moving doesn’t usually make you happier. Australian and Turkish found that between 30 and 50 percent of Movers regret their decision to move. A 2015 study showed that recent Movers report more unhappy days than Stayers. “The migration literature shows that migrants may not get the best out of migration,” write Hendriks, Ludwigs, and Veenhoven.

The question is, can you get over it?

Moving will always be hard. If you’re in the middle of, recovering from, or preparing for a move, you need to know that things won’t be all rainbows and unicorns in the new city. That’s completely normal.

But you also need to make choices designed to increase how happy you feel in your new place. In my book, I explain that place attachment is the feeling of belonging and rootedness where you live, but it’s also one’s well-being in a particular place, and it's the result of certain behaviors and actions. As you dial up your place attachment, your happiness and well-being also improve. It takes time. Place attachment, says Katherine Loflin, peaks between 3 and 5 years after a move. It starts, however, with choices about how you spend time in your daily life.

Here are three choices that can help:

Get out of the house. You may be tempted to spend weeks or months nesting in your new home, but the boxes can wait. Instead, explore your new neighborhood and city, preferably on foot. Walking has been show to increase calm, and it opens the door to happy discoveries of restaurants, shops, landmarks, and people.

Accept and extend social invitations. As we’ve seen, these relationships will probably involve some disappointment that the new people aren’t BFF material. Think of it like dating: You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

Do the things that made you happy in your old place. If you were an ardent member of a disc golf league before you moved, find the new league here. Again, you may be frustrated to realize that no one respects what a great player you are. Patience, Grasshopper. That will come in time.

If your post-move sadness is debilitating or lingers longer than you think it should, speak with a professional. You may need additional help. Otherwise, slowly work toward making your life in your new place as enjoyable as it was in your old place. It will happen. Eventually.

Source

Martijn Hendriks, Kai Ludwigs, and Ruut Veenhoven, "Why are Locals Happier than Internal Migrants? The Role of Daily Life," Social Indicators Research 125 (2016): 481–508.

All of this may be true for the extroverts, but not necessarily for us introverts. My husband and I moved two years ago. I have some acquaintances here, but no real friends. But that's because I haven't actively pursued any, and I probably won't any time soon. I like people, but as an introvert I value my time alone way too much to care about a calendar full of trivial chit-chat at "social engagements."
I love our new town. Very happy here. But a full social calendar? Yeah...no thanks.

I'm a huge introvert, too, Maria. For us, it's not necessarily about going out every night of the week, but you do have to find whatever level of connection makes you happy--and it's even harder in some ways, because we're not into the small talk that's required when you're getting to know people. I joined a book club. The first few meetings were hard-ish because I didn't know anyone, but it's a venue where you can have deeper conversations, and now it's my favorite group of people in town. That and church every week is just about enuogh for me.

No, I think it's introverts too. Because when I lived at my old house and going to school, I already had my social life with a few friends and aquaintences. But ever since I moved I didn't really fit in or make any new friends. Or maybe I was an extrovert turned into an introvert after we moved... point is it's definitely not an extrovert/introvert thing.

I relocated from a city I'd been unhappy in for 3 years to a city I'd seen from a distance 6 years ago. But upon living in this new city it's not what I thought it was; it's even smaller then the city I moved from. It's downtown is even more disappointingly smaller then the city I moved from. I have 1 person to live with and be with. The new landlord had us over a barrell, walked all over us and ordered us around for days. The person whom lives in the same duplex was nice at first but then turned nasty over trivial matters. Just wish we could leave here but we have so little money and we are locked into a 1 years lease. He also wants way more money then this apt is worth; he wants extra money for the 2 major appliances. I just feel so disappointed and depressed.

My husband and two young children moved to a city that is horrible. I'm closer to my aging parents but to what emotional cost to myself? I absolutely hate it here. It's ugly. The people are rude. I continuously run into stupid people at the schools. What do you recommend?

my husband and I relocated to the Denver Metro from East Coast area 5 mos ago as we wanted to live closer to our son. big mistake - hate it here, too much traffic, overcrowded, rude people, very high housing, no friends etc. Can't wait to move back home when our lease is up. We'd rather come out here a few times a years to visit our son. All our friends and immediate family are back East, and it is very difficult to make new friends when you are older.

Hi Bonnie,
I was particularly interested in your comment since my husband and I are considering relocating to the NE and also the Denver area. Would you be willing to share more about where in the NE you live? We are looking at New Hampshire (southern portion) and a couple areas in further suburbs of Philadelphia (Doylestown and Main Line areas) due to the tax friendliness to retirees (my husband will be retiring from his company soon but will continue to work when he finds a job he likes). We have visited CO many times and stayed there for 3.5 weeks to look at housing with a realtor. We also did not like the traffic (it is WAY worse than when I first wanted to move out there in 1998!). I found the "rude people" comment surprising as we found people to be very friendly and enthusiastic about life while also being laid back. In contrast we have heard about (and experienced) lots of traffic and rude people in the NE. I'd love to hear more fro your perspective...and anything you'd like to share. We live in the Kansas City metro area. Thank you!

Hi Julie, I moved to Denver from San Diego last September and have been struggling with "move-itis", hence my googling this blog. Regarding Denver, honestly I find it the most livable place I've been. People are very kind, traffic sucks but it's nothing compared to southern CA (they don't even honk here, most people let you into their lanes first etc). Denver is small, but it's nice overall. The hard part is starting over and being alone while doing so. I workout daily and that helps, plus it's a social environment. I checkout meetups and go to art thingies. Live music isn't NY or LA level, but there's a lot of it here and people are very receptive and more polite in shows than other places (no phones in the air constantly etc). I've lived in Brookyln, Phoenix, San Diego, Los Angeles, and spent time in Seattle and Portland (OR). Denver is the best of them all. It is rather isolated geographically though, and this does make a difference depending on why you plan on moving here. Hope this helps.

Hi Bonnie, I'm sorry you don't like Denver. I'm from Colorado and moved to Longmont all by myself. It's very sad and lonely for me. I lived with my mom for 3 years and miss her so much. I travel an hour a day to visit her. It's better than feeling sorry for myself. Hope you're getting along okay. Debbie

We need a string of positive experiences to build place attachment in a new city; in your case, it sounds like you've had some negative run-ins—rude, stupid people, ugly places—and that it's sent you into a spiral of place loathing. I'd try to turn the ship around by consciously creating as many positive experiences for yourself locally as you can. Find one place or experience you enjoy—a local coffee shop, a park where your kids like to play, a hike—and focus on that small pleasure. Then find another. And another. (In my book, "This Is Where You Belong," I call these Love Where You Live experiments.) Not every city is the right fit for everyone. Maybe there's another town nearby that would put you within striking distance of your parents that would feel like a better match. But place attachment takes about 5 years to peak. You haven't said how long you've been there, but maybe do some brainstorming about what action you could take to change your mind about where you live before you uproot again.

Thank you Melody for your comments. We've been here 8 months, and I am just barely beginning to see some positive things come out of my mouth. I'd like to have more positives come out. I really appreciate what you wrote. Thank you.

I just wanted to thank you, Melanie, for your kind words and advice. I am still in the same location and am now (after 1 yr. and 7 months) just starting to want to go to some places with my family. Thanks again.

I moved out of my house with my ex-boyfriend and moved into an apartment in a new town. It's a beautiful place, very safe with quite a prestigious reputation, however I'm struggling with feeling happy about it. I still have boxes to go through and I'm dreading it. Feeling misplaced and confused with roller coaster emotions. Reading this article is like a God send as I thought perhaps something was wrong with me. I'm still learning the town and my neighbors, adjusting to the new vibe (which is a bit conservative for my taste) however enjoying the close proximity to town and a beach. I greatly appreciate how safe and clean it is. Will see how I feel when I'm reaching my 1 year mark, to see whether I stay or leave. Hard to tell if its the apartment or just the entire experience. I plan to have friends and family over very soon and hope that their love and comfort will be absorbed in the walls. Trying to be patient with myself and will work harder on keeping positive about my move, although it's definitely a challenge.

I'm relocating to a different city in two weeks and I'm just scared stiff. I'm an expat in Korea, moving from the capital to a smaller city I am not at all familiar with. Not particularly excited about the change. To make matters worse, I'll be living alone, most of my friends live in the capital city and I don't think I have the energy to try and form new close relationships where I'm moving. Not practical when isolation's already taking its toll on your mental health...

I can feel your fear, Megan! And your reluctance to move suggests that this is being imposed on you, probably by your workplace, right? Feeling out of control ratchets up the anxiety around a move, so a first step toward feeling better might be to make an action plan of simple steps that can help you feel integrated faster. You mentioned the toll of isolation on your mental health, and you're wise to acknowledge that. Who do you know who knows someone in your new town? Ask on Facebook for people to set you up on blind friend dates, or hunt down all the local expats. (There have to be some, right?) One friend can make all the difference. So can purpose. Can you volunteer to teach English? If all else fails, find comfort activities. Find a walking route that gives you a sense of familiarity. Go to the same restaurant over and over again. I share a lot of ideas in my book, This Is Where You Belong, and while I admit that probably some don't cross cultures well, I think the attitude of taking ownership of your new place, despite the fact that you don't really want to be there, will ease the transition at least a little. Good luck!

I relocated a year and a half ago. I was expecting the ups and downs, but through it all I still have a foreboding feeling that I made a mistake. I have the opportunity to move back. How do you know it's time?

I have the same question you do, Rose. Four months ago I moved about 1600 miles to a large city for a better paying job. I'm almost 60 and divorced, so I came alone. My grown children and grandchildren live in the area I just left.

So far, I'm very lonely and unhappy. The city I moved to is notorious for not being a friendly place for new people and, so far, I've made no friends. At first, I went out and did things and tried to get to know people but had no success. Although I have many friendly acquaintances at work, I've received exactly 0 social invitations. I eat lunch alone at my desk almost every day.

I'm generally considered a nice person and had lots of friends in the city I left, but I'm just not connecting with anyone here. I miss my family and friends terribly. I can't return to my old job, but I've been looking for possible employment back in the state where I left. But I'm afraid I'll look like a flake if I leave my new job this soon. I'd love to hear other people's viewpoints on this.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. You mention that you're having trouble connecting with your co workers and what I did when I was in that situation was to invite one or two people over for tea. They met my cat and ate my botched bake goods This helped a lot. I left that community because of the lure of a new community. I still miss them, but I would never go back.

The difference between that and the current situation is that staying is not appealing at all. I want to leave. Too many to list. I definitely think making a pro/con list is something to think about.

I also understand the feeling of not wanting to leave because you don't want to seem like a flake, that's one of the reasons why I'm still in my current situation, but in the end it's our choice and we should do what's best for us.

Thanks so much for sharing your story and responding has helped me. I wish you the best of luck, Marian

Thanks, Rose. I have invited people to do things outside of work hours, but all my co-workers have spouses and families and haven't accepted so far. I think I'm just going to keep to myself for now and maybe move back where I was next spring, when my lease here is up.

Good luck to you. I hope you find the perfect place to be. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

After the death of her husband, a friend of mine decided to move back to Atlanta with her three kids to be near family. She sold her house, bought a new home in Atlanta, and a week after school got out, she went. One week later, she decided she'd made a terrible mistake, sold the new house at a loss, and came straight back home (same neighborhood, different house). Crazy as it seemed at the time, she 100% stands by that reversal as the right thing for her and her kids.

Settling into a community can take time; place attachment doens't peak till you're five years in. Yet that doesn't mean you have to stick it out for that long if you're miserable. Do a gut-check: How does your body and mind respond when you think of staying in the new town? How does it feel when you contemplate staying put? Then consider the practical aspects. A good old-fashioned pro/con list and some math can tell you what the financial, logistic, and relationship consequences might be for moving home. If you feel like you've done as much as you can to find happiness in your new town, and you can't discover any concrete solutions that might improve things, I'm going to give you the thumbs up to call it quits and move back. Life's too short to be miserable.

I moved to a city 3 hours away from my home town about 7 months ago. I graduated college and couldn't find a job in my hometown and honestly at the moment wanted to leave that city because I wanted a change and was tired of the city as well. There was nothing really ever to do and I found myself complaining about how much I hated it so I left. Now 7 months later I've had the hardest time adjusting. I dated a guy for the first 6 months where on the weekends I was driving back to my hometown to see him or he was driving up to my new city to see me. When I went out it was with him so I never tried to make friends or even take the city in on my own. After we recently broke up I realized I never took in this new city and now I've never felt so alone in my whole entire life. I have no friends or family here however I did just recently make 2 new friends who have been loads of help on bringing me some happiness. I went back home for Thanksgiving and coming back to my new city I again feel depressed, alone and just confused. I don't want to move back to my hometown because even being there didn't feel right and I know I wasn't happy there before but I also don't feel like I'm happy where I am at either. I don't know what to do at this point because I feel like I cant be happy in ANY city at this point. Should I just stick it out? Should I move back to my old city where it's my comfort zone with my family but there's nothing to do with the same old people. Should I get a therapist? I'm honestly so lost and I hope this is normal for people in their early twenties lol.

Honestly, talking to a therapist couldn’t hurt. I once heard that it takes five years to settle in a town. On the other hand, you are young so take advantage. Go out on the town or travel. Many people can feel lost at any stage. Take care

Brittney, without knowing all the details, I think your feelings are totally normal. Sure, a therapist would probably help (doesn't a therapist always help?). But it might also be helpful to realize that the kind of huge life overhaul you've gone through is traumatic. It would be weird if you DIDN'T feel lonely and lost, at least for a little while. You identified part of the problem—with traveling to see your boyfriend most weekends, or treating him as your only social circle, you haven't fully invested time or effort into making your new city yours or meeting the friends who will help make it feel like home. But it's not too late! I love that you have a couple friends who are there for you. Maybe work on expanding that circle now. And become proactive about falling in love with your town. Visit all the tourist attractions, try the restaurants, join clubs. I have lots of suggestions in my book, "This Is Where You Belong," but you could simply start by making a city bucket list. What could you do here to make yourself a little happier? Putting down roots takes effort. It won't happen overnight. You've lived in your hometown for years and this new place six months; of course it doesn't feel as comfortable or as easy. But I think it probably could soon.

I moved from Chicago to Utah to be by my Grandchildren...AND the mountains; and have only been here for 2 months. I am not the "typical" religion that most people are here, if you know what I mean, and that might be the biggest obstacle, but you only have ONE life to live. Do you really want to spend it in one place? Live and die in one place? My answer was no. It isn't easy making friends but I started a Meet-up group and slowly but surely am meeting people. (That like the same things I do!) I was getting so tired of the "same old-same old" in Illinois, and now there is at least 25 new things I could -- and will-- check off my bucket list. And keep in touch with your old friends/family from the old State. Have them come to visit. And visit them often too. Think of it as a new adventure. Life is short. My new motto is "Get busy living, or get busy dying!" Think about that, and live in the present. You'll be happy you moved. :)