Katrina’s Story: Online date gone horribly wrong

It started with the desire to find “love”. My story starts with online dating. As someone who is generally pretty anti-social, I thought the best and easiest way to find a potential guy would be online. someone I could talk to and get to know online before ever having to meet up and face the social awkwardness I always feel. This is where [S] comes in. He was perfect, or so I thought. He was cute, around my age, had what I thought was a good steady job and life goals similar to mine. We talked for months, sharing many laughs and stories with each other until finally deciding to meet for a first “date”. This is where my story turns dark, in ways I never thought imaginable. Nieve to think it would never happen to me. We meet for dinner, it went really good. We laughed, ate and genially seemed to enjoy each other. After dinner, I was asked if I would be interested in going back to his place for a movie. No strings attached. Normally I would say no. But I was craving love, craving someone to like me. things went so good, I simply thought why not? its just a movie. He lives in an apartment, it has to be safe right? Wrong!!!

We got to his apartment and to my surprise, I then find out he has two roommates. At this point, alarm bells were going off in my head as I was never told me had roommates. I convinced myself I was over reacting and that it was fine. Fast forward to watching the movie, all is fine. I start to relax and thats when im asked if I would like a drink. I said Yes. Let my nightmare begin.

This drink was drugged. How do I know? because I am a person who has never done drugs, never drank more then one or two alcoholic beverages and has never even thought of doing something as simple as smoking. a few sips into what I thought was pop. Turns into my feeling pretty loopy. I could feel the panic building in me before it even happened. Next thing I know, im being dragged into the bed room. Cloths being ripped off, forcefully being held down while they take turns raping me. Laughing as if its some sort of joke. Pain, I remember the pain of being forced to have sex while struggling to get free. I remember there voices, telling me to shut up. I remember wishing I could just die so that I didn’t have to feel the pain anymore. How could I have “let” this happen, how could I have been stupid enough to go back to a guy apartment that I just meet in person for the first time? Why me? I remember laying on the bed, hours after they started, thanking god that they were finally done. Praying that I could get away. Putting on a mask telling them I had a good time after being forced to finish the movie with them. in hopes it would convince them to let me leave. it worked.

This night ends with the memory of running. running as fast and as far as I could. getting on the bus, finding my way home. showering. trying to feel “clean” again. a “clean” that I fear I will never experience again.

My story doesn’t end there. I Lived in fear for along time. dealing with PTSD, nightmares and all the horrible things that come after going through a trauma like that. I started cutting, not eating, attempted to take my life, lost the ability to work multiple jobs and function in the real world. It took me months to realize I needed help.

Well what I do want people to know, other survivors to know. is there is hope. Hope for healing, for a future. There are people who care and really want to help. I meet my counsellor shortly after reaching rock bottom. She has been a life saver for me in so many ways. Not only did I finally have someone I could tell about my horrible experienced. but I also had someone who could be there and listen. Teach me ways to cope, ground me when im in flashbacks or simply feel like I can’t go on. Someone who can read me so well, she knew I was overdosing on medication before I even told her. She called an ambulance and saved my life. 20 minutes after arriving at the hospital, I stopped breathing. I spent the next 2 days in the icu. If she hadn’t have called for help, I wouldn’t be writing this today. Scary thought right?

My close encounter with death, helped open my eyes. Helped me see how much this event has truly changed me and realized that I may be a long way from healed. but there is nowhere but up to go from here. As I am typing this. I am 1 year, 3 months post rape. 2 months post suicide attempt. The extent of my Trauma is deep, I am not going to lie. I struggle on a daily basis to remind myself that healing will come, and life is worth fighting for. Due to the Extent my experienced has changed my ability to function, I was granted the blessing of a service dog. I have my service dog to help me gain my life back. He can help ground me, wake my up from nightmares. Give me a sense of comfort and security in public. create space between me and other people to limit triggers and help me cope. He can be that ear to listen when I have nobody else. He is my life line.

I struggle with PTSD, flashbacks, nightmares etc. I struggle to go out in public and have people standing to close to me. I struggle to feel safe, even when I know I am safe. I cope by reading, writing, painting, talking to friends, riding my horse, crying and sleeping. Am I great at this? no, I still slip up and self harm. But its one day at a time. If my story can help, or reach one person who is struggling. Remind them that they aren’t alone and that there is hope. Then thats enough for me to feel like this experience isn’t totally pointless. even if the point was just simply for you to know that your not alone. I am not alone.

I want other survivors to know, that we can do it together. This world can be damn cruel. If I can do it, so can you. Medication, therapy, Friend, Family and in some cases service dogs.They all work together to help one day, find peace.

Do me a favour and take life one day at a time with me. Celebrate the little things in life and just take things. One day at a time.
This is my story. -Katrina

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The When You're Ready Project is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories and have their voices heard, finding strength in one another. When you're ready to share your story, we will be here.