Just another happy rag by one of them broads.

Wobbly Wednesday.

I don’t actually know if my Wednesday is going to be wobbly, it just seemed like a good title for a post and I felt wobbly last night before I went to bed. I don’t quite know how I feel right now, because I still have to finish my first mug of coffee and my first cigarette. Whoa, and I’m already typing? Yes, I like to live dangerously and on the edge. I hope you realize that I mean emotionally wobbly, what other kind of wobbly is there, right? Well, I suppose I could have been wobbly because I was drunk, but I wasn’t, let me assure you of that.

Okay, I’ve got my second mug of coffee now, so I should be properly waking up any minute now. Remember I was the one who said that I cherished those first moments of waking up time in the morning and I really do. They are full of understated excitement at what is to come, some days are just more understated than others. Some days are so understated that the excitement is hard to find and there is only a dull curiosity. Some days there is only a dread of anticipation at what is to come. Some days I gather my courage together and dare myself to be excited anyway and hope that I can make something of it by sheer input and willpower. Today will have to be one of those days.

Aha, I speak in riddles. That’s because the husband and I had what is called a “serious” conversation yesterday in which I announced the limits of my flexibility and acceptance regarding our agreement, and during which I told him how absolutely impossible I find it to come up with these fine and admirable qualities of character every weekend and how terribly short of them I fall. That sort of put a damper on things and made the conversation kind of hopeless and we were unable to bring it to a satisfactory ending, leaving it open ended and unresolved.

I find myself going on an emotional roller coaster every weekend, no matter how often and how much I try to convince myself that I need not do this and that I am a mature human being who should be able to handle the situation with temerity and determination. Alas, I fall short of my own resolve and succumb to sadness and despair instead and waste three days on being an emotional debacle. I find that I can not share my husband and that my sense of honor and self esteem gets in the way of my supposed sense of “you ought to be able to do this.”

I also find that my trust in him has taken a downward dive and that I question everything he tells me and that I am constantly in a state of disbelief. This is possibly the biggest problem, because when trust is gone, you are left with a big gaping hole. He has told me so many versions of the same story that I am reluctant to believe any version of it now and I find myself short of believe and long on scepticism. Part of me believes that he tells me these different versions to spare my feelings and part of me believes that he tells them to deceive me, it is all equally bad.

I will not go into further details about that here, to spare us both the embarrassment, although you may think it is too late for that. It is hard to determine sometimes.

I had an intensive talk with my SPN and we were talking so intently that we ran out of time and have to continue our talk next week. I discussed divorce and moving out on my own and how that would be for me. The possibility of it. Having intense guidance when doing so, which I would definitely need considering my disorders. I discussed the possibility that I may not be in love with Eduard anymore now, but may just be acting out of a reflex. You know, I feel threatened, so I am holding on tight. I am definitely angry at him and that part of me doesn’t want to love him anymore. I am most obviously hurt.

I do have some amount of understanding for him, but only for the initial action, not for the subsequent actions. For what happened at the beginning, not for what is happening now. Not this continuing, conscious, well thought out operation. The state of my marriage does not warrant it.

Oh well, how depressing, really. I am not even going to insert any art in this post, it’s so pathetic.

I am listening to my MP3 player on the headphones. Linkin park! I am going to fill one MP3 player with nothing but rock bands. The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Razorlight, Radiohead, Linkin Park, Gorillaz. All I have to do is get the CD’s from the library. Then I am going to sit with the headphones on and really rock. I really like bands that have good drummers that are clearly audible with that heavy hard boom.

I am going to end this post now. I am sorry that I turned out not to be so uplifting this morning, but I did have to unload a bit. Sorrow shared and all that. None of you have to get all upset for my sake, you know, it isn’t necessary.

Have a good day,

Ciao…

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11 Responses

Nora…… what you are feeling is really EXTREMELY NORMAL! We all would feel like that in your circumstances. I could not live with weekends like that. Not many could. I know you are very liberated in the Netherlands compared to many places. I am very traditional where marriage is concerned, so I am the least able to advise you.
In any case YOU must be the one to come up with the answers.
Sorry I keep saying the same things!

It is still cold here & very miserable weather, when it should be warm & sunny!

Well, sweetheart, your Wobbly Wednesday actually got off to s good start, and you can only feel a little better for getting shot of all those bad feelings. They say ‘A trouble shared is a trouble halved’ There are going to be a lot of people out there today, including myself, who will be glad to spare you a few moments thought, at least. Bless you. x

Do they have assisted living housing there? Is that a possibility if you go out on your own? Actually Nora – I think you should boot him out. He obviously has a place to go – and then HE has to support you! He is the one having an affair – not you. It doesn’t matter what he says about your mental state and how it has driven him into the arms of another ‘stable’ woman. You are in the right – he is in the wrong.

You don’t have to put up with this and act normally. It is actually crazy that you do. Tell the bastard that.

You know how I feel about this Nora – and I’m not changing my mind. I think you will be emotionally better without him and his handy dandy slutty weekends.

Nora, you are smart and know exactly what needs to happen. You will figure all this out in time. Meanwhile keep your head above water and continue to write and create. Sending love and support. Hope Thursday is not so wobbly.

Yes, Nora, even with the different name, you have the same issues repeating themselves. I wish I could give you some pearls of wisdom, somehow helping you more than a few words on a computer screen. I just hope you continue to look at all your options and find out what is best for you to be truely happy. I hope you find the solution with the help of your SPN.