I just watched one of the most disturbing videos I’ve ever seen. I’m going to share it with you here. If you have kids, cover their eyes and ears.

The video showcases a vending machine called Let’s Pizza that makes a personal pie for you in two and a half minutes. That’s right, it’s a pizza vending machine.

In this article, I’m not only going to share the video, but also share 3 other equally awful vending machine ideas (in the health sector) that I was inspired to design after coming across this unbelievable machine. You can see the infographic / design / concept plans below.

Here’s a prelude to the end of the world as we know it — in video form. Please be sure to note that the front of machine boasts that your pizza is made “only with fresh ingredients” as they refill the fixins compartments with massive, bulk bags of sauce.

Take a look…

I’m a little shaken up.

Anyway, let’s have a little more fun. Here are three other awful vending machine ideas that I thought could go next to the Let’s Pizza in your local mall, high school or DMV.

I’ve done them in infographic format, so click on the image to get a larger image. Also, you can read the descriptions below. Please be sure to share this with anyone you feel has as deranged a mind as I do…

(This has been updated from the original version thanks to your feedback! Click on the image to see a larger image)

If you’re interested in reading further, here are some more details…

Pop-It Prescription

This is a simple vending machine with a touch screen that asks you a series of 10-15 health questions then prescribes you the medication that you need based on the answers. It’s a perfect alternative to seeing the doctor since it takes the same amount of time to run through the questionnaire as the average doctor spends with their patients.

The Bariatric Bubble

This somewhat larger than normal vending machine is a street side lap belt surgery machine. Customers put in $1.00 to unlatch the door, then strap themselves into an upright gurney. When they close and latch the door, mechanical arms with scalpels attached perform lap band surgery, gastric bypass or sleeve gastrectomy in 5-10 minutes. Once you’re sowed up, the door unlatches and you can go on with your day. This procedure is not covered by insurance.

The “Make It, Fake It, Take It” Machine

This machine is your standard vending machine with a twist. Each machine is stocked with your regular vending machine snacks — pretzels, candy bars, gum — but you have the option to add additional artifical ingredients to any item you choose to order. If you want extra artificial watermelon flavor in your Bubblicious, just hit K, 7, and choose how many milliliters you’d like. Once you’ve chosen a robot arm will inject your gum with a massive flavor burst. If you want to add high fructose corn syrup to your Milky Way, punch in E then 1. MSG to your Cheez-Its? A and 3. The combinations are endless with up to 50,000 variations. Please note: Federal regulations only allow up to 5 milligrams of Butylated hydroxytoluene (BHT) per item.

Your question of the day: Are there any vending machines that you think would be equally as awful? What about an actual healthy machine? What would that look like?

Kevin Gianni is a health author, activist and blogger. He started seriously researching personal and preventative natural health therapies in 2002 when he was struck with the reality that cancer ran deep in his family and if he didn’t change the way he was living — he might go down that same path. Since then, he’s written and edited 6 books on the subject of natural health, diet and fitness. During this time, he’s constantly been humbled by what experts claim they know and what actually is true. This has led him to experiment with many diets and protocols — including vegan, raw food, fasting, medical treatments and more — to find out what is myth and what really works in the real world.

Kevin has also traveled around the world searching for the best protocols, foods, medicines and clinics around and bringing them to the readers of his blog RenegadeHealth.com — which is one of the most widely read natural health blogs in the world with hundreds of thousands of visitors a month from over 150 countries around the world.

22 COMMENTS ON THIS POST

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The sad thing is that there is obviously a market out there for such a thing as a pizza vending machine. Fresh ingredients! What a joke! Even sadder is that if the world continues down the path that it is heading, then Kevin’s ideas might not seem that far fetched!

In response to you satirical article,Kevin, I too would like to see all these vending machines banished from our our malls. I would also like to see the removal of all these electric, bouncing “vehicles” that give the children a few minutes of “riding on a steam train” or whatever. The yelling starts when the parent refuses to put the coin in the slot. Some perhaps do it just to keep the brat happy for a few minutes! But your main target is the junk food providers and I find myself in agreement. Is it possible to get a healthy pizza with a nutritious topping? Certainly not from a machine as promoted in the video clip!

The most scary vending machine of all would be:
“Daily advice from pious, “holier than thou” health nuts telling me how to live my life”.

Place 5c in the slot and the modern day Lucy (of Peanuts fame) will tell you to stop eating eggs cos they’re full of cholesterol. Tomorrow, she’ll tell you to go jogging. On Thursday, she’ll tell you to stop jogging cos it’s bad for you and you should do yoga instead. On Friday she’ll tell you to stop eating sugar, cos that’s what causes all the problems. On Saturday she’ll tell you to eat flax seeds cos they’re full of omega fatty acids. On Sunday, she’ll tell you that the balance of fatty acids in flax seeds is all wrong, and you should eat chia seeds.

On Monday, you have a really bad case of “Monday-itis”. When Lucy tells you that the only solution is prayer and meditation, you have a complete sense of humour breakdown. Just as well you had a huge flame thrower in your pocket. Lucy is now toast, and you can just go and live your life without endlessly worrying about what you’re eating. Oh, and you take up the Sedona method and EFT just in case you ever worry about eating carrot cake again.

I don’t see what is so bad about it. People eat pizza anyways, it can have whole wheat dough. it can have some frozen brocolli put on top. What is so far fetched about this. Actually it may be a better option than the chocolate bar vending machines, at least this can be called food on some level, compared to the snacks and soda in regular vending machines.

I eat pizza but this vending machine version looks like it would taste like cardboard…yuck! Kevin your vending machine ideas are a riot…and scary because something like that may just be around the corner. 🙂

“Safer than the hospital”…omg I’m still laughing. Sad but probably true…

I love how the word “fresh” literally has no meaning to most people anymore. They should call it “handmade” just to see if anyone notices!

Also, am I the only one who is reminded of that scene in the movie “Idiocracy” where the girl is trying to buy food from the Carl’s Jr. vending machine and it malfunctions and doesn’t serve her food and then calls her an unfit mother and gasses her when she gets frustrated and won’t put more money in it? That movie is so funny. But also terrifying because it’s true…but mostly funny. I wonder if the pizza machine will do that. lol

Do you like the feeling when you combine Viagra and Valium? Have to admit that gave me a chuckle. But I don’t think this machine is actually too far away from the conveyor belt conventional medical system we have at the moment. I can see this becoming a reality in some form within the next decade or so.

As for the pizza machine, I’m kind of speechless. With that name, I would have guessed it was invented in Japan but I’ve yet to see anything like it here.

No worse than the beer vending machines I’ve seen many years ago in Europe on a US military base. (And they wonder why mankind is getting so screwed up!!)
Remember the line, “Better living through chemistry”?….and the beat goes on.

I decided just to laugh this time and not worry about it. Seriously funny! Superhumor, healthier than Superfood! Dad-To-Be-Hood must agree with you. Thanks for the giggles Kev! “Choose an artificial ingredient boost” “Doctor won’t give you any more?” “Safer than the hoapital” Can’t stop laughing.

LOVE IT! My vision of a healthy vending machine is one where i can get Boku bars, Kale chips, and a nice MP3 meditation download. As for the “Let’s Pizza”, i really got turned off by the peel n stick pizza toppings….ICK! Thanks again for the laughs and insights!