5/28/2008

I’m not saying out this out of want or need of pity and I’m not here to use the internet as some grand confessional. I’m just stating a fact (that probably won’t surprise anyone close to me): there was a time when I had a lot of self-hatred. Do you know what helped me greatly in this regard? Losing my hair.

As a 21 year-old struggling with an immense pile of school work that never ended and problems or failures regarding relationships, faith, weight, and any pursuit that I once fancied myself good at, the realization that the hair at my temples was too far up to be normal was not warmly received. Self-love dipped even lower.

Five and six years later, along with the realization that once someone is a couple years past 25, they don’t really change much came the realization that I’m balding. This is life. I can’t change it (unless I want to vainly clutch at something that’s not mine), so why let it cause any stress or consternation.

1. challenging each other to eat cake after a large meal. mid-afternoon at a local diner, surrounded by regular patrons and served by a pleasant waitress. after finishing a meal that was larger than any of us thought it would be, looking at a dessert menu and practically demanding that friends get a slice. then: devouring despite the already-present stomach pain.

2. sitting on shaded grass, eating fast food frozen dairy desserts quickly. after the rehearsal, realizing none of us had eaten for many hours, deciding to sneak off before the rehearsal dinner to a close-by fast food restaurant. surreptitiously eating the chocolate shake-ice-creams while taking a minute to relax in the shade by the parking lot before sneaking one to the groom.

3. hugging pillows. with some having gone off to run errands and pick up supplies, watching mediocre TV filler and making inane jokes that wouldn’t make sense to anyone else (and often didn’t make sense to us) about hugging pillows (while hugging pillows)

4. frantic typing and nervous suggestions. mid-afternoon in a hotel room, people hurrying about and dressing. half tuxed, ten minutes left till we were to leave for the ceremony, groom and friend debugging and typing out a last-minute script to make the big project work. (it worked.)

5. radiant smile and glowing cheeks. early evening by a pond and many flowers, under the shade of trees. above a magnificent and flowing white dress, a radiant smile and glowing cheeks and eyes staring into her partner’s.