Rambles about stuff I like.

Jesus! Another beta ramble about this relationship? Come on man!

Man O man am I still ever bummed about how things ended between me and this girl. I just wrote her a 3 page letter explaining my feelings behind the break up. Certainly not a very ‘alpha’ thing to do, but I need some kind of closure. I can’t stand all this anxiety that comes with relationships. From what I’ve read online, anxiety comes from low self-esteem. (In my case, I think the pills are helping that on a little bit.) In fact, it might be worthwhile to get some sort of low-grade benzodiazepine, as I’m having a difficult time managing my stress. We’ll see…

Anyhoo, now that the letter is written, the ball is in her court. If I were her, I’d never talk to me again. So I’m not really expecting anything – but it sure would be nice to hear from her. Although, I still don’t think we should get back together – we broke up because of my issues, and if we got back together, I’d still have to deal with those issues. I just hope that with my letter, she feels even the tiniest bit better. I’ve never broken up with someone while I still liked them – so I hate the thought of her being hurt by me. But I suppose as I make my way through the dating world, I will have to break up with many girls – and I will get broken up with many times. I guess I’ll just have to accept these feelings for what they are, and keep moving forward.

It’s tough though. The things that make me a great mathematician, make it tough for me to leave a relationship alone. I tend to think in “black and white” terms – AKA: all or nothing thinking. Honestly, I think my brain is a bit messed up. When I was dating this girl, it was very hard to focus on anything else unless I heard from her. That’s me being insecure. But then when I didn’t hear from her, I would become anxious – because I expected she was acting based on how my last relationship went. (And in my last relationship, if I didn’t hear from my girl, then she was probably out at the club, doing coke, blowing guys in bathrooms, and any number of other slutty activities.) This girl seemed different – from what I could tell she was a sweet, demure girl. Sadly, that’s not the way I was thinking when we were apart – and my insecurities drove me crazy!

I ended things in order to end the stress and anxiety I was feeling. To some degree it worked, but now it’s been replaced by remorse and sadness. In retrospect, there were so many things I could’ve done just a little bit differently. Instead, I made a rash and foolhardy decision, and now I have to live with it.

I just hope that with this letter written, I can finally let things lay. I sorta hope to hear from her and I sorta don’t at the same time. I think all this was brought about because I went on a date last night – and it was awful. I spent the whole time comparing my date to this girl I just broke up with! Needless to say, she didn’t measure up at all.

Ah, what a mess I’ve made of things.

I ‘unno – I might also be feeling this way because I so rarely go out on ‘dates’. Usually I’m just content with hook-ups and one-night stands. It could very well be that I’ve put this girl up on a pedestal, simply because she was sweet, funny and easy to get along with.

Life was much easier when I wasn’t dating. I was content being alone – and aside from a lack of sex, life was a lot easier. Now that I’ve begun dating again, life is messy. Complicated. I don’t know how I’m going to get past my insecurities and issues without dating, however. It’s true that I was happy when I was alone, but every time I was with this girl I had a lot of fun. (Not even counting the sex, although that’s part of it – she was just such a joy to be around.)

Christ, another melodramatic ramble! These will continue until it’s all outta my system. Then back to rants about how much I hate Stana Katic!