Everyday life as a Domina

Category Archives: Fuck the World

So the last track was pretty dark, and when I get those urges to just abandon everyone and everything, and turn my back on the world, it helps to remind me that it’s okay to feel that way sometimes.

But doing it would be giving up, and I’m actually not big on the concept of giving up.

Sometimes shit sucks. Are you going to sit there and wallow, or are you going to strap your boots on, pull up your big-girl panties, and deal with it?

Otherwise is one of my all-time favorite bands. Yeah, I know you’ve never heard of them. No one has, because they’ve never been signed to a major record label.

Which is a fucking travesty, m’kay.

This band is amazing. I mean, I know I’m biased because they’re from my hometown, but even just objectively, they’re amazing. And my favorite song from them is We Are Soldiers. The music video is awesome, and also filmed here in Vegas (bonus, one of my exes, and the one who gets credit for me knowing about the existence of the band, shows up in this video. This was shot long after we broke up, but he’s still wearing something I gave him. I awwed).

My daughter loves this song too, and we’ll often blast it as loud as the speakers will go. She’s got good taste in music. And this is one of those awesome, feel-good songs.

Everyone’s got battles to fight. For some, that’s quite literal, and they risk their lives, and give their lives, for the safety and wellbeing of people they’ve never met.

For the rest of us, it’s usually more figurative, and even the ones who faced literal battles aren’t done fighting when they come home. Everyone has their own battles to fight. It’s about whether they have the strength to keep fighting when shit gets rough.

Because regardless of who you are or where you come from, shit is going to get rough. You may have faced incredible pain in the past. Awesome. You’re not done. You’re going to face pain again. And again.

And again.

There are two kinds of people in this world. There are those who shut down or turn their backs or give up when things get hard, and there are those who fight even when they’re exhausted and overwhelmed, even when it looks hopeless, even when giving up looks so attractive. Those who will never be broken.

And that’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with feeling like that. But it’s up to you whether you’re going to let it beat you, or whether you’ll strap your boots on, rub the blood out of your eyes, and find the strength to see it through.

I’ll be honest, most of this playlist could be comprised of Breaking Benjamin songs. Benjamin Burnley pretty much has the market cornered on angst (and with good reason, the poor guy’s got several pretty severe phobias and is a recovering alcoholic).

I’m a huge fangirl of the man. Dude is a fucking musical genius. Especially once he got sober, but even as an alcoholic, he was just brilliant.

Many bands are dark and aggressive when they first start out, but once they hit it big, their music changes. They don’t have as much to be angry about when they’ve got an 8-figure bank account.

Which is understandable. I would probably struggle to find shit to be angry and/or depressed about in that scenario, as well. I can’t really fault any artist for that.

But Benjamin Burnley does not have that “problem.” Money doesn’t take away the fact that he’s uncomfortable riding in cars and the band can’t tour in Europe because he has a massive phobia of flying. It doesn’t take away the panic attack he had while filming the music video for this song because of his phobia of heights (it’s filmed on a high floor of a building, and the first shot in the video is of him with his back to the camera, “looking out the window.” His eyes were closed in that shot. Although that’s some damn good acting, to turn around and start singing, like nothing was wrong).

I mean, no amount of money will fix that. So he’s unique among musicians in that hitting it big didn’t de-angst his music.

Which, on one hand, sucks ass for him. But on the other hand, it gives him unlimited material for his music, and it keeps him from falling into that complacent contentedness that so many other artists fall into.

I like this song, and it comes second on my playlist, to remind myself that it’s okay to feel dark and down sometimes. I don’t have to be the stubborn optimist 100% of the time. It’s okay to let myself be morose and melancholy, maybe like 3% of the time.

Track Two: I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin

Most of the time, I’m stubbornly optimistic. But sometimes, I’m not.

Sometimes, I’m angry and cold, and just seriously, fuck the world. Fuck it all to hell, burn it all down, and leave me alone.

I don’t want any part of it.

Sometimes I just want to turn my back on the world, just forget it all, just don’t care about anyone or anything in it.

Is that the right thing to do? Probably not. Still don’t care. All is lost again, but I’m not giving in.

Because sometimes the world just sucks, and there’s nothing you can do but shut it away.

And when it’s all burned down, when there’s nothing left but smoke and ash, I’ll still be standing. I will not bow, I will not fall, and I’ll survive.

So it’s possible I occasionally drive just a little too fast, and play my music just a little too loud.

That is especially true when I turn on my Fuck the World playlist in the car. Which, incidentally, I’ve been listening to almost exclusively lately.

It’s pretty self explanatory. Music that captures that “fuck the world,” “it’s me against the world,” “beat me all you want, you’re not going to win,” “think you can break me? Go ahead and try” kind of mood.

Some of it is uplifting, some not so much. Most of it is loud, fast, and aggressive. When I’m in this mood, I tend to leave my old standbys like Muse and 3 Doors Down behind, in favor of groups like Five Finger Death Punch, Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, and Seether.

And Seether is actually the first track in the playlist.

Track One: Nobody Praying for Me by Seether

This is one of my top 3 favorite songs in the world. There are a handful of songs that I could literally never get tired of listening to, and can relate to no matter what my mood is or what’s going on.

Songs that I really feel speak to a big, big part of who I am. This is right at the top of that list.

The band has stated that this song is supposed to encourage people to think for themselves, rather than going with the herd. But the first time I heard this song, I didn’t know that, and honestly am not sure how the lyrics of this song convey that meaning.

So I basically ignore the intended meaning, and attach my own meaning to it based on my interpretation.

To me, it’s possibly the best fuck-the-world song out there. There have been times where I’ll just play this over and over on repeat, as loud as my speakers will go. And there have been times I’ve put on the playlist, intending to listen to the whole thing, but never got past this song.

To me, it’s about feeling insignificant, but knowing your power. Some may underestimate me, but that’s a mistake. I’m just an ember, but I’ll burn your whole world to the ground, I’m just a fungus in the forest, but I’ll spread and devour anything and everything in my path. I’m just a lizard with a poison tongue, but being small and insignificant doesn’t make me any less deadly.

And it’s about being tired and battle weary. I’ve been fighting for a long time.

I’m a star that’s just a black hole now, rust is showing on my armor, I am wheezing like an old man done.

And maybe I didn’t deserve what I got. I was innocent, and I made sacrifices that still haunt me.

I’m the child in the manger, I’m the one who sacrificed his son.

But I’m determined, I’m not done fighting, and I’ll destroy you.

I’m the ember that’ll burn you down, I’m the water that’ll drown you, I’m a terrifying danger, I’m the bullet in a loaded gun.

And I recognize that some of this is self-inflicted. I don’t make it easy for people to get close.

I’m a swallower of anger, I’m a product of my anger.

But at the end of the day, I’m alone. Some simply ignore me.

I’m a whisper lost upon wind, I’m the tree that falls and makes no sound.

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This is an 18+ blog about my day-to-day life as a Domina, wife, mother, and all that other crap. A chronicle of me. While this blog focuses primarily on the D/s aspect of my life and my relationships with Kazander, Steel, and Sounder, it is not exclusive to that subject, and I might talk about my kid, or my annoying mother, or my sister's pet cat, or whatever the hell I feel like talking about.

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It begins over a friendly disagreement, during which you smile, roll your eyes, and say, “Go fuck yourself.”

“But, Ma’am, that’s physically impossible.”

You smirk and ask how certain I am of this. On a roll, I launch into a smug and tangential rant about the anatomical impossibility of an individual’s being capable of fucking oneself. Your response is to merely shrug, smile, and make a cryptic statement:

“Don’t be so sure…”

Later that evening, you tell me bedtime will be early, an hour early to be exact. The amused look on your face says it would be in my best interests not to argue.

Sometimes I fall into a vicious cycle where I’m mentally and emotionally frustrated and cannot manage to channel that energy into productive avenues. In the old days, this would lead to drinking or drugs, but I don’t do that anymore. Instead, I try to go about my day, generally fail to complete mundane tasks and end up feeling ‘stuck’ – this progresses into a cycle of mild depression, feelings of inertia, guilt over said inertia, and then on and on it goes until something snaps me out of it.

It feels like I’m seated in a car stuck in neutral yet compelled to rev the engine until it screams.

When did I last curl up in her lap? It’s been so long, I cannot recall. Despite numbered boxcars on the calendar and the disinterested faces of clocks, a concrete memory eludes me. Time, location, and date, they’re merely three dimensions after all.