Lots of us grown-ups will be doing something a bit silly tomorrow. We will go into a building in a nearby street and be given a piece of paper. We will take the piece of paper over to a cubicle. There’s a pencil there. You pick it up and draw an X in one of the squares on the paper. You then fold the paper and put it in a large, black, metal tin, with a slit in it, like a post-box.

Then you go home again.

It’s a bit like a test at school. And a bit like putting your hands up to choose which person in your class you think would be best at doing an important job. All the crosses people draw look more or less the same. It’s easy-peasy really.

Tomorrow we grown-ups will be putting these crosses on these bits of paper in order to show which party we like best. No, not birthday parties. We’re not choosing between going with loads of your friends to the Fun House or a trip to the cinema or a party with a clown and Pass-the-Parcel and a cake with candles on it. We grown-ups are far too serious to have proper parties!

These parties are groups of people who make the rules. They decide stuff. They think they know what’s best for everybody. They will decide how to spend lots of money. They are in charge of lots of things like schools and hospitals, roads and trees, the police, and old people like me.

Some grown-ups will draw an X on their bit of paper to show that they like the party that says everybody can be rich; or the party that says too many people from overseas live in Britain; or the party that wants those who are already rich to give more to those who are poor; or the party that can’t make its mind up about anything.

You only get to draw one X. It’s all a bit dull really, because there’s no place on the piece of paper to draw your X if you’d like a party that remembers what the best things in life are – like love and laughter; leaping like a leopard or lazing like a ladybird; libraries, Lego, lasagne and lullabies. You can only draw an X, not an L, tee hee.

As you know, I’m getting old now. I’ve been doing this silly thing with Xs and bits of paper for years and years. This time, I’m not going to draw an X for what I like, but for what I’d like for you three.

I hope, dearest granddaughters, that when you’re my age, you will be living in a better world than the one I see through my fading eyesight. I hope the air will be cleaner, the waters clearer, and that land and sea will still sing to the songs of beautiful bees and wonderful whales.

I hope that people won’t be in such a hurry all the time, that they’ll stop fighting each other, and that nobody will need to feel hungry. I hope there will be less shouting, fewer alarms, no poisons in the sky, and that people will greet people they don’t know – on the street or in the park – with friendly grins and warm handshakes.

You can’t take your own felt-tips when you go and draw your cross on that piece of paper. If you could, I’d take a green one. That’s because it’s the colour of growing things, like the leaves of a sapling, or a caterpillar, or those vegetables Mum knows are good for you.

I’m voting for tomorrow tomorrow. For you. It’ll be like having a party, because drawing my one X will be like drawing Xs not only for you three, but for children the whole world over.

WITH awesome panache, our secret musician Steve not only persuaded a member of the audience to unpack and assemble his instrument, he also produced a wonderful sound from a plastic (pBone) trombone that cost less him than £100.

Lots of likeable, lubricious and lively words starting with L were suggested to Jo for her instant writing exercise. She came up with:

Luminated lupins lit my lone walk in local Loughborough.
Unfortunately I’d latterly eaten lots of liquorice
which was like licking laxatives for lunch.
Oh loathsome licentious lions! What a lot!
Legged it back to Loughborough to
Lin’s little bungalow and relieved myself.
Oh lullaby of lightness and
lack of longing for liberation.
Lovely!

For the fourth successive month, Marcus took up helmet and sword to portray an historical figure – this time a bloke they’ve named lots of pubs after, also summed up in an alphabetical piece entitled Endangered Species Put to the Sword:

We had a woollen theme this month, with Jo talking about a colourful skirt she’s knitting, Marcus reciting a poem he wrote that was knitted into a large a tapestry, and Knitting Yarns (ed. Anne Hood) being reviewed in our Look at a Book feature.

For the Merry Month, we asked the audience to identify:
a) He was born, out of wedlock, on 15th April 1452
b) His father was a notary, his mother a peasant
c) He was left-handed, probably vegetarian, and never married
d) Having spent most of his life in Florence, he died – and was buried – in Amboise in France
e) History has noted his talents not only as a painter, but also a sculptor, architect, musician, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, geologist, cartographer, and botanist*

a) She was born on 17th April 1974
b) Both her mother and mother-in-law were once hairdressers
c) The middle names of her four children are Joseph, James, David and Seven
d) She has published two books – Learning to Fly and That Extra Half an Inch: Hair, Heels and Everything in Between
e) 437 staff were employed at the wedding reception following her 1999 marriage to a well-known footballer*

We have two gigs next month – on Thursday 1st May at the Cheltenham Art Gallery & Museum and on Tuesday 6th May at the Cakes & Ale café bar. Both start at 8pm; £7 admission.

1965 was the year Jo started keeping a five-year diary, which she chose as her Show & Tell item for this month’s gig. The entries for 1st March several decades ago revealed a number of amusing incidents from her life as a teenager. We’re now wondering if the diary should become a regular feature.

Our History of the World sketch saw King Alfred as a contestant in the Great British Bake Off. Marcus initially claimed that writer’s block had prevented him from producing an alphabetical version, offering his ‘apologies, but… committed, devoted even for gigs hitherto, I just – kerplunk! – lost my nerve; overnight; pathetically quaking, retching, soiling the underpants – very weak xcuses yet… zilch’. Moments later, however, he recited A King Goes to Sleep, by a Grate:

The café was packed, with more than fifty in the audience listening to Marcus ranting about his dissatisfaction with complaints procedures, while Jo tackled the challenge of writing something containing words starting with Z suggested by the audience:

Zoe zipped up her zebra-patterned dress
while watching Z Cars.
“So zealous!” said Zak,
who was reading his zodiac.
“I’m going out to my Zeugma class,” said Zoe.
Zilch response from Zak.
“As you have zero interest,” Zoe continued,
“Your zupper is by your zlippers.”

For the Merry Month, we asked the audience to identify:

a) She will be 67 on 14th March
b) Her career really took off following an appearance on the television talent show, Opportunity Knocks
c) She is a keen gardener, beekeeper, and patron of the Battery Hen Welfare Trust
d) In 2004 she was awarded the MBE for services to literature and entertainment
e) Her first collection, published in 1976, was entitled, Some of Me Poems and Songs*

a) He died on 3rd March 2010, aged 96
b) His wife Jill was a historian and film-maker
c) As Employment Minister, he introduced the 1974 Healthy & Safety at Work Act
d) Having been injured in a car crash at the age of 50, he walked with a stick for the rest of his life
e) He resigned as leader of the Labour Party shortly after the 1983 General Election*

For Look at a Book, we reviewed Bollocks to Alton Towers: Uncommonly British Days Out, written by various contributors to Viz. Among our favourite places the book recommends to visitors are 18 Albany Road, Bedford, which has been made ready as a modest home for the second coming of Jesus Christ, and the bungalow in Essex that houses a secret underground nuclear bunker.

We’re back on Tuesday 1st April, 8pm, at Mr Twitchett’s Coffee House and Bar in the Subscription Rooms, Stroud.

CLEO and Tony, meeting by a pyramid in 41 BC, spent much of their first date talking to each other on mobile phones… while standing only a few feet apart: our latest History of the World sketch. Marcus’s alphabetical version of their ill-fated affair is called Eager Egos in Egypt:

While Marcus ranted about how little direct contact we have with strangers nowadays, Jo quickly wrote a piece incorporating words starting with G suggested by the audience:

George and Georgina were gorgeous.
The girl was great, the guy was giggly.
Georgina glimpsed George giggling
on a ginormous, gargantuan grass hill,
where a greedy goat munched.
“Why the giggles?” asked Georgina.
“I am the victim of a grievance. I came here gladly,
believing it was good, but it is ghastly!”
“Go then,” said Georgina and without a glance George galloped off.
Georgina glided giddily after him.
Goodbye!

Marcus again lost Match of the Day. Given a minute to find as many words as possible from the letters in ‘k i t s c h’, he managed about a dozen, but was easily surpassed by audience member Caroline – another hit, more stick and feeling sick.

For Look at a Book, a new feature, we reviewed Short and Sweet: 101 Very Short Poems, edited by Simon Armitage.

For the Merry Month, we asked the audience to identify:

a) He was born on 26th February 1932
b) The first of two autobiographies was called Man in Black: His Own Story in His Own Words
c) His parents called him J.R. When he enlisted in the Air Force, they wouldn’t let him use initials as a name, so he came up with a forename himself
d) He was not, however, a boy named Sue
e) Two of his best-selling albums were recorded live at San Quentin and Folsom Prisons*

a) She will be 80 on 11th February
b) Her surname, appropriately, comes from an Old French word meaning ‘clever’, ‘skilful’ or ‘noted for elegance and fine dress’
c) Her first shop was called Bazaar
d) Awarded an MBE in 1966, she arrived at Buckingham Palace wearing a cream wool jersey mini-dress with blue facings
e) Among her many design successes was the iconic ‘Swinging London’ fashion item, hot pants*

The gig finished with our customary song, Dim the Lights, preceded by an appalling pun:

MARCUS I’m going to go up now, Jo. I need to check on the artist-in-residence.

JO Artist-in-residence?

MARCUS Yes.

JO In the bedroom?

MARCUS Well, it’s very nice, having somebody there to draw the curtains.

WITH pleasing serendipity – in view of the watery start to the year – the fifth Letter of the Month drawn from Jo’s bag means we have now had H,Y, D, R, O. While Marcus was recounting his recent hitch-hiking adventures, Jo incorporated as many H words as possible into a piece of instant writing:

History of the World part 5 featured Hadrian, visiting local builders’ merchants Travis Perkins in search of bargain bricks, with the same Roman highlighted in Marcus’s alphabetical piece, Postcard home to Rome:

Once again, audience members were up to the challenge of our Merry Month quiz questions, which included…

a) She will be 50 on 17th January
b) She has two daughters, aged 15 and 12
c) On meeting the Queen in 2009, some say she breached traditional royal etiquette by lightly touching her majesty on the back
d) Her great-great-great grandmother, Melvinia Shields, was a slave
e) She currently resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC*

a) He was born on 4th January 1813
b) His motto was ‘time saved is life gained’
c) His first name was Isaac
d) He founded and taught at The British School in Wotton-under-Edge
e) His phonetically-based shorthand, first presented in 1837, is still widely used by secretaries the world over*

One of Jo’s undertakings at Springhill is organising the cooking rota – a tricksy logistical exercise involving menus, availabilities, personal preferences and other variables. For Match of the Day, she set Marcus and an audience volunteer the task of allocating six names to three meals, which twelve year-old Sean completed before his opponent had hardly begun.

Chort is the name a local resident has given to her winter-warming drink of hot chocolate with a dash of port. The thermos was quickly emptied by eager tasters.

MARY, played by a pregnant Marcus (bowler hat under jumper), and Joseph (Jo, with suitable tea-towel head-wear) were struggling with the census forms in our advent/nativity sketch: Christmas is Coming.

Having decided that the question about spare bedrooms was to enable the government to slap a tax on them, the couple from Nazareth then contemplated a long list of possible religions, which included… Jew, Orthodox Jew, Unorthodox Jew, Gentile, Sodomite, Ammonite, Smokey Robinson & the Miracles, Baptism of Fire, Secular Jew, Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition, That Stupid Cult in America That Keeps Getting the Day of Rapture Wrong, Wakefield Trinity, Specsavers, The Chicken & Egg United Reform Church, and many more.

Marcus’ alphabet version on a similar theme was entitled The Jesus Tapes, Day 2:

Audience members won Tunnocks bars for solving all the Merry Month quiz questions, which included…

a) She died in 2005, aged 92
b) Her father was a carpenter, her mother a teacher
c) Part of a highway in Missouri was named in her honour in 1994
d) She was of African, Cherokee-Creek and Scots-Irish ancestry
e) On 1st December 1955, she refused to give up her seat on a bus in Montgomery, Alabama*

…and…

a) He became President of his country on 2nd December 1976
b) One of his lesser-known quotes is, “If you calculate 15 minutes a day to shave, that is 5,000 minutes a year spent shaving”
c) At the height of his powers, he was 6 feet 4 inches tall
d) He was succeeded by his brother Raoul in 2008
e) He stopped smoking Havana cigars in 1985*

While Marcus ranted about not wanting to waste time having to shop around for services, Jo wrote this instant piece incorporating audience-suggested words beginning with letter of the month O:

Oh Oh Oh!
I need ointment on
my oozing objectionable obnoxious
open graze on my knee.
For some obscure obtuse reason,
carrying an omelette
on my own in my orange dress
I fell over and the oleaginous omelette
obstinately made an offering on my dress
and now a hurt knee occupies my body.
My ovaries go ow! ow! ow!
Oh misery… over and out

We dimmed the lights for Coincidences, the fourth chapter of our classic serial, The Pie of Life. Jo’s Beautiful Spot featured four of her delightful sonnets. Marcus, unable to build a tower of plastic beakers, easily lost Match of the Day to audience volunteer Kate.

WON’T have accurate figures before Aug but guesstimate Year 1 costs to be 280-300K.

Wallet & Natterbox want to explore for Year 2 costs& implications of:

– 30 members on national average pay

– 8 x local 4-bed house-share properties (rent, tax, bills)

– self-catering premises with office/meeting rms (rent or buy)

– travel costs to/fro regions

– 2-3 extra admin staff

– extra equipment (computers, phones, mini-bus, bikes etc)

rough calculation = £2.2/2.5million. How do we know what backer/s think as we don’t know who they are or how much they wish to invest? Jess must press Archie for length of their commitment – and depth of pockets.

Interesting results to MPPs Money Matters Survey. 2 have failed to claim w/e fees. 5 more have pledged/donated sums of between 5% and 33% of fees to charity. Most support 1:12 campaign principle now popular across EU. Only 1 claimed additional exps for research work at home (since resigned).

Look into:

– regional public get-togethers costs/dates/venues

– volunteers charitable status

– what %s of tax income spent on what

– Chan 17 contract renewal/rights

– current remunerations etc for juries

Personal observations

Difficult 6 weeks for us all. Low morale after resignations & bad press. But new intake v enthusiastic & stronger sense of direction emerging. “The mouth becomes stronger when we lose our milk teeth” (BP). Hoping for more stability over next few months.