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Therapized today

After almost two weeks of misery I got back to therapy today. I cried from the minute I walked in until I stood up to leave. For the first time in eight months I could tell my therapist was struggling with what to say. The most she could do was point out how far I've come in the ten months since D Day. I'm also taking the strongest dose of AD I've had since D Day and it might as well be tic tacs.
I feel like I held it together for so long and now I've just unraveled. All the fight is taken out of me. I feel defeated and beat down. I feel no joy. I have no idea at this point how to turn this around.
I am not regretting my divorce, or agonizing over the past. I am not watching my ex move on and feeling hurt. Its more a complete lack of hope or happiness for my future.
Good mojo, hugs, or understanding is welcome. My friends and loved ones are sick of the moping and don't understand why I'm not better. SI is the only place for some compassion.

nowiknow23 posted 2/18/2014 20:16 PM

(((((tripletrouble))))) You know, honey - after surviving everything, getting all of it finalized and done, your mind and body may just need a break. A lull, a retreat. Just a pause to catch your breath.

There's nothing wrong with that. It's really common to have a letdown.

Lean into it. Be gentle with yourself. Maybe go for a walk or a run or something to clear your head if you feel up to it. But what ever you do, don't beat yourself up for feeling as you do. Huge hugs.

devistatedmom posted 2/18/2014 20:20 PM

Oh Triple, I know your friends mean well, but give me a break! Your Dday wasn't even a year ago, your D is just a few months ago, and you were married for 20 years! If you were already "better", I would be more worried about you!

At under a year? Even though he was out and my LS was done, the house was in my name and all the finances split? I was still a mess!! It takes time. You are going to be ok. It's been a whirlwind. You need time to get use to your new reality. Just breathe, and take it one day at a time. You are ok.

inconnu posted 2/18/2014 20:33 PM

NIK beat me to it. She said what I was going to say, only in less words probably.

I think we hit a point where we're no longer in fight or flight mode, and we just need to shut down for a while. It's okay to feel what you feel, or don't feel, for a while. (((tripletrouble)))

nekorb posted 2/18/2014 21:21 PM

(((Hugs)))

You go ahead and be sad honey. Just be sad, sad, sad. Cry til you can't cry anymore.

One day, you will be lying there on the floor in a puddle and realize you'd rather do something else that day. Like shower or put on clean clothes.

But there are also some rules...

You must eat and drink your water.
You must reach out to someone in real time if you feel like hurting yourself.

It's a process. All the hills on the roller coaster have to be ridden before you can get off the ride.

It's going to be OK.

Gemini71 posted 2/18/2014 21:34 PM

Oh man do I understand!

Its more a complete lack of hope or happiness for my future.

I feel like STBXH killed my ability to dream. It's been six months since D-Day for me. Right now I'm basically living vicariously through my children until the real recovery kicks in.

Luckily, or unluckily, I had a major depressive episode 20 years ago. So I know that as dark as it is now, and as hopeless as it seems, there is an end to this tunnel of despair. It does get better. The nasty trick of clinical depression is that it convinces you that there is no possibility of future happiness. But there will be joy again.

Trust those who have BTDT. It's what I am clinging to. Good luck.

jemimapd posted 2/18/2014 21:36 PM

(((triple)))

You will not always feel like this. It will pass. Just take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself, reach out. You are going to be just fine, I know it.

BeHappyAgain posted 2/18/2014 21:56 PM

I'm not in a much better place than you right now, so I don't have any words of wisdom. I just wanted to send you some support and a great big hug. I hope you find some peace very very soon.

myowndystopia posted 2/18/2014 22:07 PM

A while back and long before my d-day, I had a friend at work go through all this and I felt like I was a pretty good friend and listener for her. Last weekend we met for lunch and I apologized for any times she needed someone to listen and maybe I wasn't 100% there for her. Until someone's gone through infidelity with a spouse or SO, they have no idea how mind consuming it is.
So count on all of us here at SI- we get it. And that therapy is hard! Those are some of my hardest days!

MissMouseMo posted 2/18/2014 22:30 PM

Triple, you have lived through hell in less than a year. Everyone here understands and we would all hug you and reassure you if we could.

Treat yourself like you would treat a dear girlfriend going through it. You would be kind and generous and reassuring to her, wouldn't you? You would understand, and you wouldn't tell her to hurry up, and you wouldn't think she was "moping" - you would listen to her gently because you knew she was in pain and needed to be loved and heard.

Stay with your therapist and believe her when she points out how far you've come; you have.

I have read your posts and come to care for you so please take good care when we can't.

TrustedHer posted 2/19/2014 00:04 AM

I really believe it's ok to wallow.

For a while. When you need to.

Just remember the whole time that this, too, shall pass. And enjoy the wallow.

Give yourself a time limit. A day, a week. I'd guess a month is too long, but spend the time ranting, raving, railing, yelling, screaming, crying. Take long hot baths, find things to break. Draw pictures with lots of red ink. Buy a new journal and fill every page with "I hate this" or "It isn't fair". Sleep in if you can; read trashy escapist books.

Don't examine stuff, don't overthink stuff, don't judge yourself and say "I should be over this" or "I should do this or that today to start healing".

Now, I think when you're done wallowing, you should get back to work on healing, growing, taking positive steps.

But you don't need to do it all the time. There's not a slavemaster looking over your shoulder, holding a whip.

Take a break.

Tripletrouble posted 2/19/2014 15:54 PM

Thank you to all of you who took the time to write kind words yesterday. I desperately needed the support. Tomorrow I go back to the doctor, and I took another important step towards healing late last night as well. SI is the best community I could even imagine. Thanks again, friends.