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Thursday, October 4, 2012

Survival mode

That is what I’m in right now. At least, I think you could classify my day-to-day as surviving. I’m alive in the technical sense, but not so much in the ‘I feel so ALIVE!’ sense.

(Since this post is kind of a bitchfest, I’m peppering in some cute pictures of my baby to prove that no matter what I say, I love him and am so happy he is in my life. Yes, I prove my love with the amount of pictures I take.)

About 4 hours after I returned to work from maternity leave, my baby decided to go from being a loving, sweet, smiley, sleepy bundle of goodness to a raging, screaming, clinging, no-sleeping, angry fussball. And he has pretty much been that way for the last 5 weeks.

Ever since he was born, I’ve been very chill about crying fits, fussiness, messes, whatever Ash could throw at me. Until I went back to work and didn’t have the ability to just hang at home during the day anymore. Now, sleep matters. Now, I have to do all the same amounts of crap in a couple hours after work while trying to breastfeed a fussy baby. Now, I have to prepare my pumping bag, pick out a business-casual outfit that actually fits on my (still 10 pounds heavier) bod, shower, do my hair, etc etc. Holy heck, PUMPING. I cannot tell you how many days I got to work and realized I forgot my bottles. Or the stupid LIDS. I’ve pumped into a red solo cup in the mother’s room. I’ve taped paper over the bottle top to hold me over until I could run home at lunch to grab the lids. It’s been a complete nightmare, regardless of whether I prepare the night before or the morning of. I’m constantly late to work, even on days that Ash wakes up at 4am with no hope of going back to sleep. Yes, I am up since 4am and I am STILL late to work. Does someone want to explain that to me?

I feel like I need a time-management coach to follow me around all day and tell me what I’m doing wrong. Maybe it’s the fact that I wander from room to room, never quite remembering why I am there...what was I doing, again? What am I supposed to grab in here? Do I have pants on? Do I have boobie pads in my bra? Did I almost brush my teeth with Neosporin? {YES, this happened} This is my morning, and half the time all these thoughts are going through my head while I’m listening to Ash cry. Many mornings I have longed for my childless days and have tried to stop myself from yelling in his little red face. All that translates into a terrible day that I'm just trying to get through. This is not living, in my opinion.

Shaun is traveling a lot, so there are many mornings that I am doing everything myself. Sometimes everything is cake and I’m able to get baby changed, dressed, and in his Baby Bjorn seat by 7:30. If nothing goes wrong, I’m able to get out the door to daycare by 7:40, through the Dunkin drive-thru for a treat of iced coffee, and triumphantly arrive at work on time - which for me, means 8:03 or earlier. But most of the time, I'm so exhausted in the morning that I'm late getting up, I can’t find my keys (they are in my purse or the door, usually), and I can't find my purse. Sometimes I put my keys in my purse and then wander around the house for 5 minutes looking for my purse. I'm TIRED. Again, this is not living.

Ash has become a bad sleeper. We’ve tried a dark room, fan (it’s pretty loud and I’ve noticed he does sleep longer with it on), humidifier, swaddling, not swaddling, half-swaddling, pacifier, holding his hands down, rocking, shushing, all of it. All of them have helped to put him to sleep, but he doesn't stay asleep consistently. He doesn’t like being on his tummy, I always find him on one side or the other. Up until last week, he was waking up every couple hours. Right now he's going down between 8-9pm, waking up anywhere between 2-4, and then sleeping again until 5:30-6:30. He takes two long naps at daycare. We really can't get him to nap for long periods here. The kid is exhausting....but I am happy to see that his sleeping patterns are getting better. When he sleeps from 8-4, that's great. I can't really complain about one night feeding per night, he is only 4 months old. I do wish he was less fussy while awake, but I guess this will pass. So now, the good stuff...

Ashford holds teethers, toys, my hair, blankets, and everything else tightly - and brings them all into his mouth. He even grabs his paci and pops it back into his mouth when he knocks it out. Yeah! He can now roll over back to front, and front to back...which I think is just awesome. He can push his whole chest off the ground while on his belly, even though he is fussing because he doesn't like being in that position. He can support so much of his weight on his legs. When we help him stand, we are barely holding his little hands. He is making wet raspberry noises and trying to stick his tongue out, spitting everywhere. It is the cutest thing. He will mimic you if you make a noise, which is also THE CUTEST THING. His 4 month appt is Monday, I'm looking forward to seeing how much he weighs, because LOOK AT THOSE CANKLES, PEOPLE! Now if you will excuse me, I have to go to bed because this dude will be up in no time.

Thanks for listening to my rambling, I appreciate any stories you want to share with me about your own baby woes!

I know everyone will be throwing advice at you, so it's probably annoying, but I might as well,too, because you need some sleep. =) What worked for us on the sleeping - Mozart. We got a CD of Mozart, put it in his room, looping ALL NIGHT LONG. It finally got him sleeping through the night. (He was three. He had been a micropreemie, trained to awaken and eat multiple times each night to gain weight. YMMV.)

Anywho, I know nothing works for every child, but it may be worth a shot. A good night's sleep changes your world.

Hi Sara,My son is now 2 and we're pregnant again. I went through the same thing. The one thing that was a total life saver for us was Scout. It's a stuffed animal dog that you can program with your sons name and favorite things like foods and colors. It has a lullaby setting that you can set for 2, 5, or 10 mins. It's a simple squeeze of his foot. Every night we would set it for 10 mins. and he would pass right out. If he woke up in the night we would quietly go in and turn it back on. Instead of picking him up I would bounce the mattress a little to rock him back to sleep all in the dark or I would pat his back, while he lay on his side. Eventually, I started waking up to scout's lullabies. Our son started to just turn it on in order to fall asleep on his own. We've never had a problem sense. Every once in a while I will wake up to him snuggling up next to me in bed, but I don't mind it. I just figure it's because he had a bad dream or something.

It's frustrating I know and sometimes you feel like it's never going to get easier, but I promise you, it will and this will all be a thing of the past.

Another thing is babies are smart. A lot of the times they just want to see you, so they will start crying just to get your attention. If you go into their room and don't turn on the light and don't pick them up, eventually they will stop crying just to see you. I'm sorry I can't remember when it was that I stopped with night feedings, but I believe it was around this time. He started eating solids. We would feed him some cereal at night to keep him a little fuller. Best of luck to you and try to keep your chin up, it gets easier.

I feel exactly the same way! I have a 10 week old son (and a four year old girl) and will be going back to work in two weeks. I hardly made it to work on time before my son was born so we'll see if I can get it done.

I also feel like a walking zombie most of the time. I love my son, but with all the screaming we were/are suffering through-I can see how people would shake their babies.

Oh, and the fact that it feels like an aerobic exercise to get him to sleep. Enough was enough. (Although, right now I could probably get a 'decent' nights sleep but I'm up watching tv and reading blogs...gesh.)

My first day back to work after my second kid, I had twenty minutes between meetings, so I ran back to my office, strapped on the pump, and got to work. And a few moments later wondered why my lap was all wet. Looked down and discovered that I had just pumped without any bottles, all over my lap.

Single-parenting a newborn while working FT sounds ridiculously difficult - my Bro-IL's work travel is a big reason they chose to have a stay-at-home parent. Could you get a sitter to help out on some evenings? Seriously, if you go to bed at 8 and Shaun (or the sitter) puts Ash down at 10p, it might make the world of difference for you. Hugs!

1. Hang in there. I don't have a kid, but they tell me it's worth it. ;)

2. My husband's military, so I see pseudo-single mothers every day. They're stressed and frazzled, but they're making it happen. You're not alone. :)

3. Have you tried a white noise machine? It's a step up from the fan. My friends have used a white noise app on their phone for their baby, and it's always worked pretty well for them. Apparently that static sound is very similar to what they hear in the womb. And maybe with it being louder than the fan, he'd sleep even longer? I don't know. Worth a shot. Either way, this stage will eventually pass. Hang in there! You're a great mom.

Oh, I totally feel you. I am a mostly stay at home mom, so I never went "back to work" in an office but I just struggled with the new baby phase. Never felt like myself!

I agree with a lot of the other comments--I bet Ash is just wanting to soak you up, so crying for attention and wanting to see you at night. I bet you will both adjust.

RE: Sleeping (here comes more advice haha). At around 11-14 weeks old I realized that my hubs was coming home a little after 6PM, my son was conking out in his arms for hours (meaning that then he was out of commission for dinner making) then we were feeding him and putting him to bed around 10. BUt, hmm. That meant he was tired, at like 6:30 but we had been ignoring it. I also read a book that helped me put this all together. So we started putting him down for bed earlier (6:30 or 7). Within a week he was sleeping better and longer. I know you have a crazy schedule, but if you put him down earlier, he may sleep more easily cause it allows him to fall asleep when first tired. It also gives you your evenings back for dinner, rest, prep for the day, SANITY! The earlier we put him down, the better. He is now 21 months old and we still put him down by 7:30. It has totally helped the rhythm of the days/nights and helped him be more rested.

And I just also want to say--you are not alone in how you feel. I used to look around at mom groups and feel like everyone else had it all together while it took me hours to get out the door and I hadn't even put my contacts on. It will get better, but also know that everyone else is working on it too.

The only thing I can say about working & pumping is that it is so worth it to keep one supply kit at work and clean it there before the next day, and one supply kit at home. That way all you have to remember is the pump AND the power cord!!!!

Oh, Sara. I can only imagine how rough it is as a working mom because I know how rough it is was as a sahm during that time. Google four month sleep regression and you'll see you're not alone. Willa was doing so well until a week before four months then all hell broke loose. She would. not. sleep. Fought it with every inch of her being! They go through a huge growth spurt and developmental milestones at four month...there's a world out there that they're suddenly so interested in. I think in your case you might have some reverse cycling going on as well (from what I understand, babies want to stay awake and nurse when their momma is around and sleep during the day when she's not). I learned to side lie nurse and eventually got to the point that I could nurse and not really wake and I felt so much more rested (if you're not keen on co sleeping, you can side car a crib or use the arms reach co sleeper (that's what we had then we side carred the crib). Another thing I've heard that works well for working moms is baby wearing. Around that time, Willa was in the ergo 3 hours or so daily. The more I wore her, the better she slept. I also learned how to nurse her in it which was life changing! Sounds dramatic but true. There are lots of youtube videos on it.

Hang in there! As I heard often..."this too shall pass". It does get better! He will start sleeping again and your happy baby will return.

It's like we're living the same life sometimes. My son sometimes wakes up at 4 and I still struggle to get out the door by 7:30 and I am constantly forgetting pumping essentials... or my wallet. Thankfully he doesn't wake up in the middle of the night and is usually happy, but my god working with a baby at home is exhausting. Weekdays are just chaos.

You just described my life 12 and 9 years ago - and my first answer (its not a popular one) was to give up breastfeeding. It was just too much, I was stressed all the time, and for me it just seemed the logical thing to do. It helped immensely. The second thing I did was have a sitter come to my house. I no longer had the stress of getting up and out of the house and getting my babies dressed and fed and here, there and everywhere. Being a SAHM was not possible. And surprisingly, hiring a nanny to watch my girls in our home was more cost effective than full time daycare. Best thing I ever did. As for the not sleeping, all I can say is that there were three reasons my babies didn't sleep - they were teething, they were sick or (surprisingly) they were cold. The last one shocked me because I just never imagined that that could be it because I wasn't cold - ha!

Hang in there - it's so, so tough. But you'll get into your groove and it'll start getting easier....for awhile anyway ;)

All I can say is hang in there! I'm a full-time working mom myself with a 20 month old daughter and I went back to work full-time when she was 8 weeks. I think I've earned the right to say being a working mom is the hardest job in the world! Not only is it difficult when you're trying to function and be a productive employee on only 4 hours of sleep and having to sneak in pumping between meetings, but the emotional struggle of being away from your child makes it more difficult. I struggle with that part more than anything.

Again, hang in there! It will get better and you'll feel like a completely different person once your son starts sleeping again. I can't promise that it will be all roses and sunshine because the one thing I've learned is that there will always be struggles, just in different forms as your child moves into different phases of their life.

All that being said, there is no better job than being a mom and I wouldn't trade the sleepless nights, tears, tantrums, diapers, etc. for anything in the world!

i'm a mom of three little guys, transplanted to toronto from new berlin - LOVE the packer bib!!! sleep is so tricky...all 3 of mine were different. one common thread i found: sleep begets sleep. his long daytime naps are great - maybe he just misses mom :) hang in there!!!

If having a baby has taught me one thing, it's that there's a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture! It's the pits (to put it lightly)!And it's even worse when your child had been sleeping just fine and is now a little night-time terror. I have a 6 month old going through this right now and it is painful. Have faith though that things will settle down with time. Your son will return to his normal, happy self. He will let you sleep again. And life will seem more manageable. You are just in the trenches right now (especially with your husband not at home at times). The only good thing about it is that you couldn't be in the trenches with a cuter baby :)

You'll get through this! Thanks for being honest on your blog. I feel like a lot of bloggers like to make their new baby experiences look like a walk in the park so it's nice to see a little reality here and there.

Ok, seriously I could have written this post myself. P is a serious fuss face right now and it makes it SO difficult because I only have about 2-3 hours with him a day since going back to work and literally he's screaming for at least 1 of those hours and I hate that I am so upset by it.

Definitely sounds like the 4 month sleep regression, which we are dealing with. P was sleeping 11-12 hours a night straight with no wake ups and last week, he was EIGHT times one night. I thought I was going to die.

I HIGHLY recommend the book "The Wonder Weeks" - I'm super iffy about parenting books and actually haven't read any, but this one is a lifesaver. It talks about the major brain developments that babies go through in their first 2 years of life and how to handle them. There is a HUGE one from 14 weeks to 19 weeks that is basically when a lot of babies have major meltdowns. Reading it has made me feel so much better that there's a light at the end of this fussy tunnel!

Our son is now 19 months old and trust me, it gets better! I was in the same boat getting to work and pumping and getting home and cleaning all of the bottles out and trying to make dinner afer nursing him. It was tough because he would nurse for about 45 min to one hour. It was so difficult for about the first 3 months back! I feel your pain. I noticed an improvment when he started eating more solid foods around 6 or 7 months. I stil pumped at work but it was less and less until towards the end of our nursing journey I was able to stop pumping alltogether and just nurse in the morning and at night. I was able to nurse until he was 13 months and we gradually quit. Anyway, that is our story, and hopefully things will get better for you once he starts to eat other foods. Good luck!

Our daughter had acid reflux, which caused her a lot of discomfort when she would sleep on her back or stomach. We had to have her sleep in a baby swing for the first 8 months of her life. Just remember, time cures everything. It will get better.

I so feel your pain! My youngest only ever cat napped 30 minutes at a time (around the clock) which made for one very tired momma. When she was three months old I bought the book, The Baby Whisperer and it changed my life. I highly recommend this book and think it should be given out at the hospital at every birth.

Just know that you are not alone and that you will get through this. I promise that things will get better.

Oh, I just remembered something that I had read recently about getting a baby to sleep through the night. Apparently, some babies can by tricked with your scent. If they smell you near by, they think you are close, and might calm down. The article said to put a piece of your clothing (shirt, sock, whatever) in the crib with the baby, but I might be kind of worried that my shirt would become a suffocation risk. Maybe you could try "wearing" his pj's before bedtime by stuffing them down your shirt for awhile. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I'm assuming I won't be above some ridiculous stunts when I'm sleep deprived!

Sara, I love your blog and can totally commiserate. I have a 4.5 month old who has never slept well and has to be held to fall asleep day or night (I'm not into crying it out). What has finally helped her sleep longer at night is white noise machine and the Merlin's magic sleep suit. She started hating her swaddle but could not sleep without one. We bought the crazy sleep suit on a whim and she now sleeps 7-10 hours straight before waking to nurse. Might be worth a shot. Good luck and I LOVE the "boob man" hat!!

I can totally relate, My daughter didn't sleep and cried all night....it was so bad, I put her on probation, and lined up a new mother in case she didnt get any better...but alas she did, and now she is 18yrs old, and I am so glad I didnt give her away!(most days) The turning point for me was when I called the dr about what was going on, he told me to let her nurse as long as she wanted at night, I became a human pacifier! But it did turn things around, I guess he was right she was going throung a growth spurt. Then at 5 months she discovered she liked the tag of her puffalump and sucking her fingers, and she was cured! It really does get better!

Thanks for this post! It's nice to know I'm not the only one struggling. We have a 3-month-old little guy, and I just returned to work a week ago. So far, the transition to daycare has been rough. He took zero naps at daycare on Friday. I'm pretty sure 12 hours without a nap can't be healthy! I love my job and need to continue to work FT for financial reasons, but I'm feeling so guilty. Hopefully it gets easier for us:o)

Oh Sara, I know your pain. "Not living" sums it up perfectly. People will tell you "it gets better", but in the moment, it's just not enough to hear that. 7 years ago, my twin boys did the same number of my head (not knowing if I was coming or going, misplacing things, etc.). I used to tell people that, during my c-section, the doc delivered Baby A, Baby B, and lastly, somehow, my brain. (And the hospital never gave it back.) I do not miss my boys' infancy. Not. One. Bit. (And by having twins, already had doubled the number of kids I'd I tended on having, so I was done before I was done, you know?) You are in the midst of a sucky phase. Endure you will. In the meantime, IT IS OK to feel resentful, angry & sad. Thinking about your sanity and sending you coping vibes from 3 hours north. :) Go Pack!

I feel for you. Some people have kids who are 'perfect' sleepers/eaters etc. I have 2 kids and have had one dream baby and one not so dreamy ;) just don't think it's something you are doing wrong. It's just personality and individuality of the baby. Kids are hard work and some are REALLY hard work. Don't be down yourself And whatever you do, don't compare yourself to others.

I feel for you. Some people have kids who are 'perfect' sleepers/eaters etc. I have 2 kids and have had one dream baby and one not so dreamy ;) just don't think it's something you are doing wrong. It's just personality and individuality of the baby. Kids are hard work and some are REALLY hard work. Don't be down yourself And whatever you do, don't compare yourself to others.

Oh dear, I am right there with you. Theron turns 6 months tomorrow and somedays I think he will never stop fussing. Seriously. Everyone says, "Oh, he'll grow out of it.." but I really have to wonder! Ha! I don't have any advice because somedays I feel like I am merely surviving but I do want you to know that other momma's are right there with you. Sometimes I get so down because in the land of social media it can sometimes feel like everyone's baby is "easy" and that makes me envious.

Hang in there, lady! We CAN do this. Someday we'll look back and laugh, right???

Oh, Sara...I want to come and give you a big hug right now. Clearly, you are not alone...but it doesn't make it any easier, does it? Lucy was a HARD baby. Sleep was definitely hard to come by for her (and us) as well. It seemed like it was never going to get easier. and keeping up with BF after going back to work was an insane task. Want me to send you my pump so you can keep an extra at work?! I'm happy to :) Seriously though...you're doing amazing, girl. It WILL get better!

Sara, love your blog. Although my baby days have long passed, I think two ladies may have hit on somethings to think about. Make sure your little guy is warm enough....try "bag" type, warm pajamas and is it possible he is just hungry? Goes along with the growth spurt that's being mentioned. Good luck, hang in there and take care.

Reading this made me remember my daughter's infant days, me working full-time 4 years ago and her being at daycare early enough so I can work from 7-5:30pm 4 days a week...holler for weekly 3 day weekends though! Difference being I didn't breastfeed and didn't have the luxury of living in a house at the moment and front yard parking space (i.e living on 1st floor of apt. so I had to walk to the car to turn on the car for warm up before I even took her out and loaded the car with my purse and lunch bag) I will say this even though I was clocking in at 7am each day I managed to not have messy mornings (for the most part) like you are seeming to have regularly. A couple tips that saved my life was this....in the early evenings after dinner and while hubby was watching our infant I would go to the car and load up the car with a freshly packed diaper bag and any other misc. items I had to take with me next day. That way in the mornings when I'd go turn on my car I just had to carry all that plus my purse and lunch bag. If you are forgetting milk bottles and lids from home why not stock up those bottles/lids and breast pads at your work too? Keep at work the same stock of essentials you have to keep at home...since you are usually either at work or home. Also every night go and place your purse right by the exit door and have your car keys hooked onto your purse so you know both items are there. I would also wake up at ungodly times in the morning so I could give myself ONE FULL HOUR for my shower, dressing up AND breakfast that way once all that was complete I would get my daughter ready within 20 mins and we'd be out the door...it's impossible to get yourself and your child (at any age) ready at the same time and expect it to go smoothly and quickly. Hope these tips help you out!

I was going to say DELEGATE until you wrote the thing about Shaun traveling a lot.I did pass off daily bottle cleaning, prep and packing to Marc. Helped so much.I never brought my pump home though. Left it plugged in at the office. I also left everything but the bottles there. I would wash and microwave sterilize them right in the office. Sure that was fun for my coworkers, but oh well!

Our oldest little one did this, and as a teacher who had to be at school at 7:30, I was one miserable mama. We finally started putting Noah to sleep in his car seat in the corner of our room so if he woke up at night, all I had to do was let my arm hang over the edge of the bed. Parenting is the most creative job in the world, and believe it or not, you're doing great!

All I can say is "karma's a b*tch." Last week I was chuckling at you having to pump into solo cups...and today I forgot two pieces of my breast pump at home and I ended up having to attempt to hand express into tiny bottles. Yeah, you won't find me chuckling at anybody anymore! Lesson learned.

It's such a cliche but it is SO TRUE OMG IT IS SOOOO TRUE - it gets better. Much, much, much better. Just repeat to yourself - this too shall pass.

I was in a fog for the first three months and my girl became fun after 6 months and by 9 months I knew what she needed whenever she needed it. Now she's 11 months and the light of my life. IT GETS BETTER, momma.

Just one thing - she became a much happier baby when we moved back her bedtime from 9 to 7. It led to such a CHANGE in her demeanor!

I wonder if he has an allergy to the dairy you are eating and getting through your breast milk. I read about this happening To the woman on the blog 'house tweaking'. You can read about it over there, but she gave up dairy and the fussiness and no sleeping almost immediately stopped.

My babies screamed and yelled and were miserable. I belatedly realized, by the third baby, after FIVE straight years of not sleeping, that they had dairy allergies. Problem solved. It hasn't always been easy, but now they are 15, 13, and 10, and they are the most delightful people you could ever imagine. Hang in there! It WILL get better--I promise! BTW, love your site.

Oh, I'm just so sorry that you are going through this. Babies are no joke. And traveling hubbies are the worst. When Ryan travels, I'm a nut job and a basket case. But he's gotta work so what's a girl to do. Hang in there.

I'm late to the conversation because my own 12 week-old son keeps me on my toes and I haven't caught up with my blog reading since I left the hospital in late-July.

I'm returning to work when my son is 5 months old, but I know I'll be dealing with a lot of the same issues. My husband and I both work long hours and commute over an hour each way to work. I can't run home to get things that I leave behind and I'll be away from our son 12+ hours once I get back to work. I'm scared. I'm not going to lie.

People are going to give you all kinds of advice. I say find someone to ask for help when your husband is traveling. Do you have any family nearby? At the moment I'm online reading because my mom is watching my baby in the next room and feeding him pumped milk. Even a few hours to yourself on a weekend will make you feel like a real person again.

He's adorable! I also forgot every pump part imaginable until I counted them up and realized I needed TEN pieces every day. So then every day I would count as I packed them in a big ziploc. Hang in there, it will get easier I promise, and then you will (almost) forget about the really rough months.

About Me

My name is Sara. I am a home owner/renovator, photographer, and stay at home mom in the Chicago area trying to cram all kinds of projects into the time my son is at school. Ashford is 5, and our second baby Zach just turned 2, so things are pretty busy around here! I like slightly inappropriate humor, wine, and stalking house blogs. I love starting new DIY projects and sometimes hate finishing them. I love taking portraits of families, children and couples whenever I can. This blog is all about the projects my husband and I tackle, the projects that fizzle, and the funny things that happen to us along the way.