WELCOM TO HEL

Derek (AKA The Border Hedgehog) gets off on gulls and ducks - in moments of unrestrained passion he quacks and swallows a loaf of veda bread in one go.

Andrew is currently undergoing metamorphosis on the NHS but must remember to brush his palps every night otherwise they'll fall out.

Both spend a considerable amount of time on the naughty step

BIRD REPORTS

All three of you can have one if you want. Email somebody. Derek probably, you could email me but then I'll probably email Derek and then forget, then have to email Derek again and it just goes on an on. Maybe you could buy a house in Northern Ireland and after 20 odd years of birding produce one for yourself? It's not as daunting a task as it may seem - there's next to f-all rarities that turn up so the total text should amount to less than is written here. xoxo. It can't be as bad as the shite Derek writes