Preface: I may or may not use the proper terminology throughout this, as I'm just trying to articulate how I, personally, feel. If I inadvertently offend anyone, please let me know. I promise it's out of ignorance, not hate.

I am genderfluid, though I was assigned female at birth, use female pronouns (though mostly out of a lack of acceptable alternative), and "pass" as female 99% of the time (this is not a situation I am happy with). What does this mean? For me, it means that sometimes I am a woman, sometimes I am a man, and sometimes I am androgynous. I do not mean that sometimes I feel manly; in every internal sense, I am a man in those moments. My partner noticed that I hold myself differently, walk differently, speak differently, even interact with people differently depending on my gender identification. This isn't the same as being transgender, as I do not feel that I am always one gender. There are many times where I experience very acute gender dysphoria (female pronouns, looking very female, etc. when I am male or androgynous), but, when I am female, I don't. Genderfluidity is often included under the banner of genderqueer, which includes most non-binary gender identities. (The purple, white, and green colors are the genderqueer flag!)

So far, I have never met anyone else like me, seen any genderfluid narratives on TV or in movies, nor have I ever spoken with anyone (except my partner) about this. It is very difficult because I have a rather feminine appearance. I can never pass for male, which causes me a lot of anxiety and confusion when I am male. I tried, for a short while, to crossdress, but I got ridiculed and made fun of by family and friends. Besides, I never passed, people kept using female pronouns/acting as if I were female, and instead I got a lot of unwanted negative attention for being a "woman" dressed in men's clothing. Also, I grew up being treated as a woman, and with that comes a certain expectation about how you are supposed to act and dress. When I don't abide by those, I can tell how people treat me differently. When I present as appropriately female (makeup, female clothing, female behavior), I get very positive responses. Men treat me kindly, often flirt, I feel beautiful and "normal", and people are generally approving. When I present as inappropriately female (aka as male as I can), I get stares, men disregard me, people treat me strangely, and I feel ugly, weird, and wrong. As such, I always present as female, even if this causes me quite a bit of gender dysphoria, which often gives me depression/anxiety.

Quite frankly, there isn't an easy solution. I can't "transition" necessarily because I am not a single gender. It makes me incredibly sad that I think the only way I could be truly happy is if it were possible to shapeshift. I was really touched when a particular GTer texted me, asking which pronouns I would prefer. No one has ever given me a choice before. (Note: female pronouns are fine, if only because we don't have any gender neutral ones and they/them sets off my grammar red flags).

One last note: the whole, tangled issue of my gender identity is further compounded by the fact that my interests are predominantly/conventionally male, my career is an overwhelmingly male field (especially if I choose to go into engineering later), and I make friends most easily with men. The kinds of social situations that are borne from these environments are not always the most...conducive....to genderfluidity.

Have any questions? Any narratives? I'd really like to hear feedback, questions, and stories since this is my first time sharing this, apart from my partner.