Friday, October 2, 2009

I Never Saw a Thing...

"Prior to Sept 17th, I was just driving down the highway of my life...happy, driving. Going pretty fast, but clear on where I was and where I was going. When out of nowhere...BAM! - The next thing I knew, I was in the middle of nowhere. And I never saw it coming. I feel like the old cliche "Honestly, officer, I never saw a thing..." And afterwards...nothing looked right, nothing looked familiar. I think that I've been racing around, at about 100 mph, the last two weeks, looking for something familiar, something I recognize, something to lead me back to the road that I was on. But I'm starting to realize that my old life is lost. Lost forever. And I'm out here, in uncharted territory, all alone. Imagine how this would feel to you..."

This analogy came to me yesterday as I was trying make my spouse understand exactly how I was feeling. My entire life has changed. The foundation of my relationship with my spouse has been shaken. I am alone, now, like I have never been before. Those friends that I could always tell everything to, can no longer be the same intimate friends that they once were. I feel alone in my circle because, now, I have a secret to keep...all alone. And the only other person who knows it is the person who caused this pain to begin with.

Yesterday was...not peaceful. But last night, it occurred to me that I could stop racing around trying to find something that is gone. It occurred to me that maybe I could slow down a little. Maybe I should slow down a little. Maybe I should even think about stopping to look at the scenery here...where I am now. Yesterday, this thought was terrifying - because I have no idea where I am, maybe I'm on quicksand? Maybe it's dark out there... It's scary.

But today, I'm feeling that maybe, probably, the sun is shining out there. Maybe there are flowers and grass to look at here - where I am now. And just maybe, because I still know where my destination is, I can find my way to where I want to end up. And yes, my world has shrunk, but I need to focus on the fact that I am not alone. I am still very frightened and I'm still glancing around for my old road, and sometimes, I panic and start racing again. But my spouse is with me. And I am relying on him to help us forge a new road together.

No comments:

Post a Comment

About Me

This blog was started in 2009. As you can see from my updates, I seldom blog anymore, but I leave this up and check back periodically to support anyone else going through their own journey. My original introduction follows...
My basic stats show me to be 41 years old, average height, heavier than I'd like to be - in short, your basic wife and mom. I have been married to my husband, William, for 7 years and we have two wonderful children. While everything has not always been perfect, I have been, overall, very happy with my life, but I've recently been thrown a curve ball that has turned my world upside-down. This blog is part of my way of processing everything that has happened and is happening to me, my spouse, and our marriage. (and yes, in order to protect my husband's secret, I have changed our names - but everything else is completely true.)

READ THE COMMENTS!

If you are interested in discovering more about what AGP may or may not be - or how to deal with it in your life, please read the comments left by other readers of this blog. They have been invaluable to me - and often contain more important information than the blog itself!

I look forward to reading everyone's comments and have only one request. Please make sure that your comments are constructive. I am aware that AGP is a controversial subject. I welcome comments from people who oppose the term as their viewpoints add valid points and questions to the discussion. But any comment purely designed to denigrate or insult AGP's will be deleted.