Tag Archives: Crying

NewGuy will be here. You see NewGuy and I had a very emotional leaving last time. Which consisted of me crying, for hours. on end. Hours. No Joke.

I was starting to get sad about not seeing him for a whole month when I decided. I am in love with this man. So I said it. I said, “NewGuy. I love you.” Which he smiled from finally hearing it from me and returned the love. Then I started thinking, and this is where it all went down hill. Fast.

I love him. I love how he holds me. I love how he accepts me. I love how he holds my hand because he wants to be near me, not because I am trapping his hands to get them off of me. I love the way he tells me he loves me. I love the way he cares for me. I love how he doesn’t take me for granted. I love how good he is, to me, and to so many other people. I really love him. Then I started thinking about how good he is to me.

I knew the tears were coming so I spaced myself from him. You’re so good to me you’re breaking all my hard seams and tough lines. He immediatly asked what was wrong and I tried to shake it. I tried to curl myself into him and focus on the movie. I couldn’t. I turned my head into his chest and stopped watching the movie. And silently, tears started falling from my eyes. First because I was leaving the man I just said I loved, and secondly because NewGuy is so good. Good I didn’t think I’d ever find. Or deserve.

Then he picked up my chin and was forced to see the tears rolling down my face. We spent the night talking about how bad things were, and how scared I was back then. How I’ve always had to be tough and for the first time I’m allowed to be weak. I’m allowed to let someone take care of me. I finally went to bed at one exhausted from crying. He couldn’t sleep because I was sad.

I went home that day trying to calm my nerves and I remember crying a little bit at night and not sleeping well. I remember the day or two after were hard I walked on egg shells around the halls again. Nothing was comforting again. My coach tried to keep me reassured, but I was beyond her help. Finally I managed to push everything down and was walking the halls with no worries again. I was starting to laugh and think freely. It only took me two days this time. I was proud of that.

My team and I were lifting weights upstairs. I remember I was on the bicep machine and another team walked past us to get a drink. My stomach revolted as I inhaled. That sport always just smells like Steve. I thought I was going crazy. That was until I looked up and saw my worst nightmare coming back from the darkness I hadn’t seen him in months and here he was in my comfort zone, in my school, by my team. I remember the shakes taking over my whole body and fast.

I thought of all the fears I had only days ago. I thought it was some sort of sign. I left my partner and ran to my teams locker room. From there I passed a few freshman on my team who gave me a very hesitant look. I thought of running. Just running and not stopping. Or going somewhere. Instead the shower seemed comforting I sat and then I curled into the smallest ball I could. I cried and tried to find my breath. I tried to calm down. I tried. I tried.

Then, I knew she would come down, my coach was there. “What was that about?!” She asked scared, more than I, now that I think about it. I remember trying to shake it off like I was fine, but I couldn’t convince my arms to let go of my legs. She didn’t buy it. “You just ran down a flight of stairs before I even knew you were gone and now you’re here. What is going on?” Finally I spoke in bits and pieces. “He’s up there. That’s all. I’m fine. I mean really I can normally stand him it’s just. I wasn’t use to it. I wasn’t ready for it. I’m fine really. He just isn’t suppose to be here.”

I sat there trying to catch my breath until my team was done with weights. “I just felt really sick. I think it’s the flu.” I lied to the team. The week was shaky but I went back to the old mentality of still having months till my surgery I’ll be fine. My coach immediately talked to the other sports coach and pointed out alums shouldn’t be invited to practices and she wants fair warning next time.

I sat in a shower stall crying, and put someone through that– I felt horrible.