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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

1. A student named John aged 14, jumped off the fifth floor of his school building. He left a five-page note that said he was killing himself because his classmates tormented him with names like gay and teased him for his growing beard so early in life. He had never told his mother about this.2. Another 13 year old, Minakshi hanged herself with a dog leash in her bedroom. She too left a note for her family. It read: “If I try to get help, it will get worse”.3. A young boy of seven refuses to go to school and when forced, starts crying.

What do you think these cases could be ?

These are nothing but the cases of bullying.

I think I was also a victim of bullying although in a subtle manner. Yes, I think it was bullying, else I don’t know what to call it. And like the people mentioned above, I too had never told my mother about it. BUT I survived.

Not early in life but in college. She was with me in college, my classmate but very different from me. She was strong, outgoing, party loving, extrovert, ‘I care a damn’ attitude, ever ready to go out with a new guy, flirt, smoke etc. Sudden disappearance for 2-3 days without telling her folks was her way of life.I had none of those ‘qualities’. The only common thing between us was intelligence. We both were intelligent. While my intelligence showed some results in academics, her intelligence was doing a good job in her fields of excellence.

I am unable to recall how it all started but now I think she was jealous of me & hated me largely. The reason was very simple.She hated it to the hilt when any guy (same batch or senior) ignoring her, approached me to be friends. Of course, I was much better than her in physical appearance (pun intended) and studies but she wanted to be “The most wanted”.

The guys (oh, they are guys after all, can’t blame them) used to make silliest of excuses to talk to me… notes, library, lab, bus, cricket, songs, home…anything. That bothered her. In particular, she was conscious about 7-8 guys (three of them our seniors), who had not shown any interest in her and were always ready to help me in any manner whether I needed any help or not. :)

I was always getting the compliment of being a girl whom a guy would love to take to his parents to meet. It was all intolerable to her.She started calling me names, making fun of me in front of her group.. for every little thing where she thought I could not match her. If my new dress was appreciated by others, it was her job to call it atrocious. My dresses, sandals, hair, handwriting, my name, my feminine body, even my being a front bencher.. everything was hit upon. She tried to attack me whenever I was alone.

Not that I was from a village or a small town or my views were primitive. My views were more advanced, contemporary & matured than her; all my friends irrespective of their genders were welcome to my place unlike her. Though we both had visited each other’s places on some occasions and I had even bought cigarettes for her many times, there was something in me which she hated terribly. Somehow we were never on the same platform.

Now when I think back, it was a difficult time for me. Though I felt hurt most of the times, I kept quiet. Oh yes, sometimes I answered her back in simple words “Not that I can’t do it but I DON’T do it by choice”.

There is much more to say here but the gist is “I SURVIVED”. Survived the bullying without anybody's help, not because I was strong, but differently strong.

What is bullying ? Bullying usually involves one or more people teasing, being violent towards or harassing somebody on an ongoing basis.

The most common form of bullying is name-calling. Children call others names for many reasons: short or fat, a different skin colour, or a physical disability. Victims are often smaller or weaker, shy and insecure than average.Boys bully more than girls, and the tormenting is more often physical. In girls, bullying often takes more subtle forms but this can be every bit as painful as physical aggression.Many parents are unaware of the happenings as it mostly happens when the person is alone and the person experiencing bullying may be scared to tell anyone or feel ashamed about being bullied.

Who are bullies ? The children who receive more forceful, physical discipline from their parents, view more TV violence and show more misconduct at home are more likely to become the bullies. Bullies often want people to look up to them, and they try to achieve this by acting tough. Their behaviour is usually initiated to create status for themselves. They are often unhappy, immature and unpopular in school, but other kids may associate with them out of fear rather than friendship.Many boys who have been bullies continue their style of behaviour in later life. As adults, they are at increased risk for criminality, marital violence, child abuse and sexual harassment.

Talk to them - It is a good idea to talk to the person you think is being bullied to find out what is going on with them. Try to remember that the person you are talking with may be very sensitive about the situation and may be scared.Let them know you care - Help them feel good about themselves. If a person is being bullied their confidence may be low and they may feel lonely. It helps to let them know that you are a friend and care about them. It can often help to point out all the great things they have to offer to help them to feel good about themselves.Include the person into your group - Making a special effort to include the person in your group may help to increase the person’s confidence.Stick up for them - If you see someone is being bullied it may be helpful to stick up for them but take care to ensure that in trying to do so you don't make the situation worse or put yourself in danger.Speak to someone - Letting someone else know about the situation may help you to solve the problem. A teacher, counselor or another adult could be helpful people to talk to. It may also be helpful to involve the person experiencing the bullying in this process. Together you can go and talk to someone about the situation.

50 comments:

you have written about a very sensitive issue..even i was bullied but not in a physical way..coz my parents were teachers in the same school where I studied..I was always a delcious prey to vent their anger..

I hate bullying so much..it is a emotional torment which was very hard for me to overcome.!

Thanks for sharing your experience and I am glad that you survived. A lot of us went through emotional, physical bullying and we all survived as a natural course. A lot of us just took the abuse mutely and did not fight back to the bully. And then there are some like Cho who crumble and take the worst possible action.

Playing pranks and bullying is a social evil (if we can call it so, because it is normally not intended to hurt the recipient, but only to prove one-upmanship) and ragging is a more developed form of bullying.

All of these activities can lead into an end of life(or lives) and should be completely banned. But banning an activity only makes it illegal for doing the same. And people do a lot of such activities illegally more than it is done when it is legal! I think it can be completely stopped only by creating a social awareness and ensuring that your child does not become either a bully or a victim. Constant communication with children is the key to the future of children and the society.

Seems unrealistic considering human nature....we sometimes cant change one person in our family, we are talking about changing the entire social fabric, no doubt it is difficult.

Bullying in extreme forms is ragging of course, which can have disastrous results. But as you said, the subtle and pschycological bullying can be bad, as it might be hard to prove, which will in turn affect the victim's self-respect.

Peter,At that time even I did not think that I was a victim. I had seen it happening all around me.. in school, college, neighbourhood but never tried to relate it. Yes, it happens when a certain group of kids start enjoying the act by humiliating a single person.

Merci beaucoup pour votre visite.

Ranjeet,Thank you very much for your support and taking out time to write your views. I can understand how you feel about it.

Yes, most of us go through this emotional/physical torment and most of us survive it too, but the memories always haunt.

When I think of it now, I become restless because it was much more than what I have written here. I am glad that I could sail through because I was mentally strong.

I fully agree with you. Actually, we all tend to think it as a normal behaviour done for light fun but fail to realize that this normal behaviour is slowly taking shape of bullying/getting bullied.

Social awareness is as much important as support for the victim and we all can do our own bit to eradicate it. It is different from ragging in many aspects. Sometime I’ll write about that as well.

yet u must not forget u were a lot older when it happened.. u were in college.. while these kids are younger...additionally.. it was one person.. and these kids are being tormented by all.. they are the social outcasts.. atleast that first kid sounds like he is tormented by all..i agree suicide is not the solution but i wonder if those kids realize now what they caused.. which in my opinion they should be arrested as juveniles cuz they caused this.. even if the case gets thrown out in court just being arrested once will make them open their eyes

Fleiger,Yes, you are very much right. When we are young, we don’t even realize that we are harming a life. It could be fatal. We just try to have fun but as we start growing up, we do know of the consequences, still we let it happen.

Aalok,The definition you have mentioned is slightly off track. The correct meaning of bullying is intentional tormenting of others through verbal harassment, physical assault, or other more subtle methods such as manipulation to prove one-up. And almost all the time the victim or the ‘weaker party’ loses his/her self confidence giving way to more painful steps.

I don’t think I was weak or intimidated but yes, I did cry many many times in a hidden corner wondering why she was doing this to me and what was my fault if others are attracted towards me for whatever reasons. And since I never wanted to pickup any fights with anyone; to stop all this, I slowly started drifting apart from everyone, became more quiet & aloof. In that sense yes I agree, I was intimidated.Had it happened today, I would have definitely handled it differently. :)

Also, I won’t call her my friend.. she was just a classmate. My definition of a 'friend' is different. At times she tried to come closer to me to find out the ‘magic’ I possessed but it was just not in her nature to become like me and hence again followed a lot of nuisance. She just could not stand my presence. Even my getting into toppers' list was made fun of.

Aditi,yet u must not forget u were a lot older when it happened.. Yes, I am aware of it. I was a grown up & mentally strong and that is why I could survive without much damage (with only bad memories to haunt).

Yes, I know of a few more incidents. In one case, the child lost his mental balance and is now under lifelong psychiatric treatment. The ones who did it, are enjoying life without realizing what they’ve done. And I agree with you on social awakening by making the tormentors realize.

Bullying happens at different stages of like, in different forms. Sometimes it takes the form of physical attack, but many times it is just mental torture, which is no less tormenting to the victim.

At tender age, kids are not able to cope up; they do not know how to cope, or how to find help. They do not talk to parents, perhaps because they think that parents will not understand, or ridicule them, or to ask them to sort these petty matters themselves. Yes, parents also need to understand when the issue is trivial, and when it is serious enough to disrupt the life of their child.

I am glad that you managed to stay strong enough in the face of torment that you faced from your classmate. But perhaps I would not exactly call it bullying - perhaps more of vengeful acts, reaching the limits of venomous, spurned on by strong jealousy, which gradually transformed into hatred.But well, everyone has different perspective of things.

Can't say that I have ever been a victim of bullying (this kind of jealousy-turned-hatred may be, but not bullying). Perhpas because I was always a quiet child, even in college, and not particularly noticeable in any aspect except academics [where I was a little too noticeable :-)].

ummm....touchy topic!! I remember wanting to quit the schol bus coz of that (I was 13/14), lost my lunch box (was 5/6), got reprimanded by the teachers for beating up a someone who was trying to bully me, got into a tiff with a senior coz he was bassing around too much, was highly unpopular amongst my immediate seniors at college for never bending down to them (starting from the ragging period!!)...... the way to combat bullying is to stand up against them.... show them that you too can do a tit for tat!!

hmmmm..... The only thing I could make out...Cuckoo is too adorable and beautiful ;-D even the girls are jealous of her

I feel that bullying to an extent is good... it makes that individual competent enough to handle any situation when they move out of schools and colleges... but yes excessive is bad...

But what about the training imparted by the Defense Forces to their cadets...??? and what are the outcome of those trainings... ???

A gentleman cadet... ready to face any situation at any given time... and as per the research shown the worse case of bullying happens in these premises and daily... on a unending basis... till the training gets over...

There are ways how you divert the energy for better use and not waste it...

we cannot ever stop bullying completely but how we can use it to our best interest is the only solution...

good one...if m not wrong then the virginia tech korean dude was suffering from bullying and rejection as well...i guess things like these just build up n come out in horrible ways...counselling is the way to gobtw can i take u home to meet my mom?? :P

Power quotient...! Be it physical/ verbal or mental-can erode lots of self confidence...!I think most of the time a bully is not even aware ( or for that matter the victim) that it’s happening to them or they are doing it. May be that was the case with you as well. All of us try to ignore first as we are into denial phase that why someone would single “me” out …! I have seen around me – if that point someone doesn’t raise the voice and stop the behavior of a bully or the victim stops the act itself – it’s a sliding case from there on…!I am glad that you came out of that whole episode and I admire your grit and vision to recognize a phony when you saw one ( You adopted the defense mechanism which suited you best), I just wish if only you could share it with somebody , hurt could have been less and buried angst even lesser.Tkcare ~

Oh man... I totally agree! Bullying is a horrific thing to undergo. I've never been bullied myself but I know how it feels because I've encountered some people who are so totally power-tripping! And it absolutely disgusts me... they prey on those people who are weak because they're all that can be controlled by them. Victims of bullying suffer from so many psychological problems afterwards -- and it's not even their fault!

well.. interesting cases you have mentioned topping it with your own experience.. regd bullying my opinion is take it in your stride to an extent and when a certain boundary is crossed then "eent ka jawab pathar se do..."

of course many of us cant specify the boundary but we can say that when it starts disturbing your peace of mind.. it is always on your mind.. you start feeling Afraid to go near the person... it is time to deliberately go to him/her and go either AAR ya PAAR!!

Interesting post and very appropriate in today's societies. (At least those in which I can still converse.) About 4 and a 1/2 million years ago, when I was in High School (it didn't happen in grade school for some reason) a group of us had our own "gang". Not gang like today's gangs. Just guys and gals who hung out together at the local hamburger joint, the malt shop (a drug store), the street corner. It seemed like whenever one of us would start the he/she's "different" crapola, someone woud pop up with reasons why that person wasn't really different. And invite them to join us for a Coke. Thinking back, (no, we weren't angels...far from it) it may have been this activity in our group that prevented any of us from becoming bullies. And the simple fact of our numbers may have kept bullies from attacking any of us. I can only remember one instance when a few of us had to "talk it over" with one potential bully. He stopped picking on one our gang without any further discussion. Perhaps it is what we learned about respecting each other, from each other, since most children have the potential for becoming bullies given the human condition.

WOW great post with a profound msg. I applaud u for writing abt this very imp but often ignored matter.

Bullying is a shame actually. I cant believe its happening w.o. the responsible students being punished and the victims being helped. It's really not fair and I feel so sorry for those kids who committed suicide. They cud have been saved, if only someone talked to them!

V-tech massacre is also a result of being bullied...I believe so. Cos Cho was apparently bullied back in school. Different ppl take it differently. I guess it's the parents' and the teachers' responsibility to notice kids' behavior and act accordingly b4 its too late.

I wasnt bullied in school...neither did I bully anyone else. But I have seen other kids being bullied terribly and teachers taking action...that was good. We had real dicipline in my school than in schools of today.

Sigma,Well, at that time like many others I didn’t even know it is bullying and as I said no physical harm was done...only mental torture. And as you said I thought it was pure case of jealous/hatred but now after knowing a lot more such cases I know what it is called. Even I was a quiet child & hence the subdued reaction.

It happens at each level. Parents, teachers & friends are the ones who should look for any sign in any individual & take immediate action. I have written primarily what should be done.

Sam,I welcome you here on my blog.

Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

the way to combat bullying is to stand up against them.... show them that you too can do a tit for tat…. Well, for boys that could be the way. It wasn’t my way. Now sometimes, I feel that I should also have reacted in the same manner.

What you have described about defense trainees is true & valid also. It makes them tough against their enemies. Come on, they can’t afford to be gentle against them. But in that scenario, everybody knows that they are getting bullied by seniors (just like ragging) & it is going to stop after a certain period. None of them is alone. They ‘suffer’ it together.

Bullying is suffering of an individual by many, on an on-going basis & in most cases he/she is so scared that he/she can’t take any actions and goes on suffering endlessly.

Yes, I agree with you on utilizing your energies somewhere else. That’s what I did !! She should have also done that.

Abhijeet,Yes, you are right about Cho. Fortunately I was too strong (mentally) to succumb to such tactics. But yes, many times I had my share of agony which I suffered silently.

btw can i take u home to meet my mom??.. Ha Ha.. Nice one ! Hmmm.. Please come in the queue. Can you see its end ? No ? Go, start running now. :P

Oh Cuckoo, Very Good post. I liked the continuity of it and also the emotional adherence of adorable Cuckoo.Bullying is everywhere, in student life and even in corporate life. It’s the law of nature to dominate the relatively weaker entity. I also have some bad memories which I don’t want to remember as it always hurts me; but definitely we can learn how to tackle the so call stronger. Keep posting.

eent ka jawab pathar se do..... Ha Ha.. you are speaking a typical guy’s language. Well, that was not my style at that time, I think guys are better in that. Had it happened today, probably I would have dealt differently. But certainly not like your way. ;)

David,Yeah, these days many schools are handling these issues diligently but it happens at every stage including at work. What about that ?

That’s an excellent way of handling this issue. I appreciate that very much. What as humans we normally do is that we ignore a person who is already sitting in a corner instead of inviting him/her in our group.

Thanks for sharing your experience in this regard. Quite informative & appreciative I must say.

Keshi,Thank you Keshi. A few days back I was again haunted by those thoughts and what better way than to write here. I didn’t know I’ll get so much support from all of you.

Yes, the best way is to not to leave them alone & and try to become friends so that the victim is comfortable in sharing the deeper haunting thoughts.

I am sorry that you also had to go through such trauma. Yes, they always hurts you badly but like I & many other commenters have shared our experiences here, if you can also come out of that bad patch, it'll be beneficial for you as well as for others. If you can't, then also it is ok. Just think over it.

A very sensitive issue you picked up for your post Cuckoo but very appropriate for today's society and ...I've never been bullied myself but I have encountered so many people who went thru this but suicide is not the solution... Virginia Tech is the most recent example...we need to do what you mentioned in the last part of your post...Speak up..Care..Stick up for them etc. but over here situation is totally opposite...Victim suffers the most mentally...but agar hum chahain tou bohut kuch kar saktay hain...katra katra darya banta hai.

Gosh, what a horrible experience for you to have experienced, something like that wounds the soul. My youngerst daughter experienced bullying too. Despite all my efforts, it persisted. Eventually,I changed her school. I am happy to say, she is now blossoming..

I know a real bully. He was my room-mate and my office-colleague. He used to sit in my ajacent cubicle. So, I was actually having him around me 24 hours... And, I tell you, it was real horrible...

But, I learnt a lot from him... I learnt that such people are the biggest saddists... They are happy to hurt you and see you in pain...

And that's where I found the soultion too... Next time they try to hurt you, just show you are not hurt... They will try again, you pretend again that it's perfectly normal... You will see that it's hurting them now (and this time you will be happy...) So, let them do whatever they do, just totally ignore them... Don't listen to them... don't seek their advice, their approval...

Sugarlips,Yes, it is indeed a sensitive issue and many people don’t realize that it is so serious. Physical torture can be seen by others and the victim might get some help but the mental torture is worse where the victim suffers silently.

Thanks for sharing.

Carol,Thanks for coming over again and for blogrolling me.

Yeah, it was a tough time. Glad that your daughter is alright now. You are an excellent mother. Parents have to look for any disturbing signs in their children and that’s what you did.

hmmm.. reminded of my days in school. A group of classmates used to bully me... for three straight years. The worst was once when they gagged me and took me to a bawdi 'well' in an abandoned ground and hung me upside down from the side of the bawdi. I was hung in tht place for three hours, completely gagged until a group of kids ffrom the slums came to play cricket and rescued me... The worst part was when an earthworm wriggled on to my face and i couldnt throw it off because my hands were tied.. yuck... then it was scary and tormenting, but now when i look back, it is a laughing matter. After reading your post, in retrospect, i wonder how i survived...

I was physically bullied by a boy and it started when I was about 8 - it built up to him and his friends stoning me in a park one day, and only then I told my mother (I was quite badly injured - how could I not). She called all the parents involved and had a meeting and it stopped after that. Made me wish I'd told her earlier, even though I was very embarrassed.

The reason - turns out the guy liked me and it was his very violent version of the pulling on pigtails.

PM,That was a horrifying experience you have told us. I can’t believe innocent minds can be so tormentors. And that earthworm wriggling …eeeks… I would have definitely died of heart attack. :P

Do you know remaining upside down for more than 2-3 minutes is dangerous ? I amazed how you survived that ?

Can I ask what was the reason for their ‘love’ for you ?

oh, i forgot to mention... nice post… Thank you. :)

Ozlady,First, I welcome you here on my blog.

I am glad I could inspire so many of you to share your experiences with me. Your experience was a painful one. And thanks for writing that post, I am humbled and you know I have commented there as well. :))

Thanks once again for coming here & sharing. Keep coming. You won’t get junk. ;)

awww some girls are really foolish!i understand ur fren's agony becoz u are such a gorgeous girl ;)i had a bit similar experience. my close fren became suddenlly an enemy and started pulling my legs since she could not pass the exams.i missed her sooo much and contacted even after she married.but that kind of girl will never change their attitude. always compare herself to others and speak disrespectful words. so im glad i could stay away from her now!

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