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Monday, April 10, 2017

Why Do We Hate Grief?

Twelve percent. That was the Rotten
Tomatoes score that the movie “Collateral Beauty” received. Of
course, I found that out after I spent my $1.59 to rent the movie so
my wife and I could watch it. “How on earth could a movie with
Will Smith, Helen Mirren, Keira Knightly, Kate Winslet, and Edward
Norton score that low?” I pondered. Those aren't just good actors,
they are the best of the best!

After we watched it, I could some of the reasoning behind its low score. The story and dialogue weren't great. It was
clogged with too many characters, each with their own deep struggles,
and yet it was a fairly sappy and predictable. And, while the actors
are GREAT actors, the writing doesn't aid Winslet or Norton in their
performances. In fact, a good majority of the film feels pretty
forced. Despite this, I still don't understand how this movie
received one-fourth of the positive rating that Power Rangers got (I
say that both as a Power Rangers fan, and as someone who LOVED the
movie).

Then, I wondered if part of the
struggle was not solely in its cinematic elements, but the content
itself. The plot follows Howard (Will Smith), who was a charismatic
advertising executive that lost all zeal for life after his
six-year-old daughter died. His friends and co-workers (Norton,
Winslet, and Michael Pena) are concerned that they may lose their
jobs, and on the surface, seem selfishly motivated to get Howard to
lose his voting share. They then hire an “acting group” (there's
a not so subtle twist) to help him process and hopefully be back in
his right mind to lead their company. They pose as Love, Time, and
Death, three characters that Howard wrote to in the beginning of the
film, and as they come to Howard, they help chink away at the deep
suffering he had held within himself for three years.

Part of the story, however, comes when
each of these “actors” engage the three friends, revealing that
they all are also wrestling with forms of suffering. A father
doesn't know how to engage his estranged daughter. An older, single
woman feels like she's running out of time to have children. And a
family man with a newborn finds out he has terminal cancer. Love.
Time. Death. Predictably, they are changed by their encounters with
each actor's portrayal of those three things. Unpredictably, I was
moved by all three to the point of tears. More on them later.

While the movie could easily be accused
of being too simplistic in how it handles grief, I considered a
counter-point. Grief is so complex and hard, that we often don't
know how to handle it. So we don't. We pour ourselves into other
things. We say all the right things. We ignore the pain by numbing
ourselves with sin and escapes, we hide our weakness and seek to
cover it with insufficient coverings. I might even suggest that we
avoid or criticize movies and stories that deal with grief, so we
don't have to actually grapple with it.

Will Smith and Helen Mirren, who
portrayed 'Death,' illustrate this with one interaction. As she
speaks to the grieved character, he fires back, using the simple
statements that were said to him as ammunition. One by one he fired,
each from a broad spectrum of religions and worldviews, including
Christianity. He ends by reeming her out for stealing his daughter,
and not trading his life for hers.

Grief is raw. It's hard. And, as a
Christian, it's easy to logically reason through his anger and why
Christians say what they say. And yet, there's something about his
grief that deeply resonated. Grief is not solely about getting the
right truth. It's moving towards that truth in the midst of the deep
mess, pain, and sorrow. It takes one step towards the right person,
and sometimes it's hard to find what that first step is. At times,
it's reminding yourself of what's true. In others, it's learning to
share your deep, raw emotions with God. That's what we see in the
Psalms. Psalm 88 ends with an amazing accusation against God. “You
have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me.” How could he say
that against God? Yet, it's in the bible. There's no resolution.
Why?

Because grief is a hard journey to wade
through, and God wants to meet you in the mess. Unfortunately, the
best way to miss God is to not be honest with ourselves about how
much pain and sorrow we are actually grappling with. We're too
fearful of sharing our deepest scars with God and with others. And
sometimes, we really just don't want to do the hard work of walking
alongside someone who is deeply grieved, because it's messy,
unexpected, and takes time. And, if we're honest with ourselves, we
don't want to confront the darkest things within us, and sometimes,
we don't want to see the darkest parts of other people.

Thankfully, Jesus not only helps us see
it; He endured it too. Because of His endurance, it gives us access
to the God who is the greatest refuge for our pain. I love the song
“Sovereign Over Us” by Aaron Keyes. Here's what it says:

“There is strength
within the sorrow
There is beauty in our tears
And You meet us
in our mourning
With a love that casts out fear
You are working
in our waiting
You're sanctifying us
When beyond our
understanding
You're teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to
prosper
You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire
and the flood
You're faithful forever
Perfect in love
You
are sovereign over us

Even what the enemy means
for evil
You turn it for our good
You turn it for our good and
for Your glory
Even in the valley, You are faithful
You're
working for our good
You're working for our good and for Your
glory.”

We hate grief. We hate
being in it. We hate seeing people in it. But we should expect it.
And we should run to God with it.

Will Smith's last
interaction is with Keira Knightly's "Love." At the end
of their conversation, after Will Smith accuses her of betraying him,
she responds by saying, “No. I was there in her eyes (his
daughter's), and I'm with you now in your pain.”

What's greater about our
hope is that we aren't waiting on a cosmic emotion. We are waiting
on the God who embodied love, and demonstrated His devotion to the
point of greater grief. He stands with us, and is with us both in
our joys, and our sorrows. He helps us re-interpret it. He reminds
us He is with us in the midst of it. And He encourages us with a
hope that won't fade; Himself.