TMNT no longer Teenage or Mutant, according to title

The great entitled dork war of 2012 rages on this week with no hope of an end in sight. Adding fuel to the fire, which was ignited when executive producer Michael Bay announced that the famously mutant turtles would also (or alternatively) be aliens this time around (“edgy, lovable aliens” to be specific), is a new report from Bleeding Cool saying the new live-action reboot scheduled for December will be title simply “Ninja Turtles.” WHAT!? YOU’VE BUTTF*CKED MY INNOCENCE, MICHAEL BAY! I’D LIKE TO REPORT A TURTLE RAPE!

We haven’t been able to get a definite statement as to why this title change is occurring, and our sources are not 100% clear on whether or not the Turtles will indeed be adolescents.
One of our sources has said:
It seems to be driven by marketing. Think of John Carter and how Disney wouldn’t allow for a title with either “Princess” or “Mars”.

And we all know how wellthat turned out. BUT WAIT, THE NINJA TURTLES MIGHT NOT BE TEENAGERS?!?! This a travesty! I will not stand for ninja turtles who are 32-years-old, like half the people screaming about this! That would just be ridiculous!

“Look, it’s so funny—if everyone was such a die-hard fan, they would know that the TCRI canisters where the ooze comes from. That is alien ooze. Now I’m not saying what Michael said is exactly what the movie is, because we’re sitting in a room now figuring everything out. So we don’t know, but we are like Michael said: we’re expanding it, and the expansion will be true to the mythology. I promise you: fans will love it.”

Phew, thank God. Pleasing the 30-somethings who self identify as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fans is the key to any successful franchise. Oh, there’s also a possibility that there will be motion capture:

When asked if the turtles would be practical or CGI, Liebesman hinted that they may be done similar to another recent visual effects-laden project:
“All I’ll say is that I love how they did [The Rise of the Planet of the Apes]. That was exceptional.”

PRODUCER (whispering, to other PRODUCER): This is going to take a lot of work.

The director also stressed that the film won’t be entirely about action:
“We’re definitely into the action, but for me what’s more important than that is that it’s a story about brotherhood and friendship and responsibility. Right now, I’m with the characters because those are what attracted me to the movie. They’re the best characters I’ll have had a chance to deal with.” [Collider]

Aw, sorry, Michelle Rodriguez. I guess sassy Latin Army officers just can’t compete with anthropomorphic martial arts turtles who bro down all the time. There’s no way this movie could be anything but awesome.

[yes, surprisingly there is no shortage of “sexy Ninja Turtles” to be found on the internet. Sources here, here, and here.]

And if Jonathan Liebesman was a die-hard fan, he would know that the company with the ooze canisters is called TGRI, not TCRI. High foot! [does roundhouse kick, loses balance and crashes through coffee table]

They made a change to Shredder. Now he’s going to be a Wall Street fat cat that gets his lawyer firm, Feinstein, Osterman, Oldberg, and Tollhouse to take over NYC through back room dealings. The Ninja Turtles use the skill of the ninja to fight back by holding protests and petitions telling the world how evil Shredder is.

When that doesn’t work, the turtles just kill everyone in Shredder’s office building because they’re fucking ninjas.

Is Shredder going to get killed only to return thanks to a healthy combination of worms that ate his corpse and ninja magic? ‘Cause if they fuck around with that it’s just going to be re-Goddamn-diculous.

Why did Shredder and Krang mess with Rocksteady and Beebop? They should have just hired Micheal Bay, he is doing a tremendous job systematically destroying the heroes in a half shell… Next week he will announce the turtles enjoy tofurkey and kale with a shot of wheatgrass instead of Pizza. And Splinter is no longer a Rat but a platypus because who wants their kids playing with a toy rat?

A fair point well made, but what the public really wants to know is whether or not Splinter – who, I have it on good authority, taught them to be ninja teens – is indeed a radical rat. A great nation deserves the truth and all that rot, don’t you know, what?

My bad. Details of this nature aren’t that great on a 2×4 inch computer phone. … But still. … You could imagine that happening right? Women are not intelligent in the ways of geekdom. They only pretend to be.

Also, where the fuck is the bow!?!?!?! In her pussy? Is that why her smile is so big?

Reached for comment Corey Feldman said “Hey bro, could you spare some change? It’s just that my car ran out of gas and I’m trying to catch the bus back to Carson City. If you give me your address I’ll mail it back to you when I get home. Oh. Okay. Well, God bless.”