President Signs Order Making Ted Cruz Ineligible for Obamacare

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Just hours after Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) told CNN that he had no choice but to sign up for Obamacare, President Barack Obama signed an executive order making Cruz ineligible for coverage under the Affordable Care Act.

"Clearly, the hardship of receiving Obamacare was causing Ted a great deal of pain," the President said. "This should take care of that."

Obama acknowledged that the executive order, which makes Cruz the only American expressly forbidden from signing up for Obamacare, was an extraordinary measure, but added, "I felt it was a necessary humanitarian gesture to protect Ted from the law he hates."

Even as he signed the order, the President said that he was "torn" about barring Cruz from coverage, stating,"He's definitely someone who would benefit from seeing a doctor."

In an official statement released later in the day, Cruz blasted the executive order and accused Obama of distorting his position on Obamacare: "I never said I didn't want to have it. I said I didn't want everyone else in the country to have it."

Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.