One-liners
The plumber can't put in the bathroom fixtures until next month. That's a shower stall if I've ever heard one.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
When it comes to telling her age, she's shy.....about te... Read more

Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1905, just over one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1905:
- The average life expectancy in the U.S. was ... Read more

Karma takes way too long, I'd rather just smack you right now.
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Jesus loves you but I'm his favorite.
Askhole a person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always d... Read more

According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes. -Jimmy Fallon
The inv... Read more

I'm reminded of the old joke about Jesus telling the crowd who is stoning the adulteress, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly a woman throws a rock at the adulturess.
Jesus looks up, and says, "Oh for Pete's sa... Read more

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to ... Read more

Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it’s now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks. -Jimmy Fallon
An NFL player was arrested in Florida on gun... Read more

Mitt Romney says he is considering a third campaign for the presidency. He made the announcement during a private meeting with donors. It’s pretty shocking, you know, that Mitt Romney needs donors. I mean, what are these guys, trillionaires? -Ji... Read more

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone Who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the pa... Read more

Babies
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions of Ireland with no running water, no electricity, none of the creature comforts. One night, Mikes' wife goes into labor. The local doctor is there in attendance. ... Read more

Time magazine has named “Ebola Fighters” the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, "Oh no, we'll just mail them to you." -Jimmy Fallon
The General M... Read more

My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn't let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got m... Read more

Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to... Read more