Kinky Crafts For Valentine’s Day

Yeah, okay, so that annoying crafty person on Pinterest has built a replica of Abraham Lincoln’s log cabin out of pretzels, crackers and peanut butter, but can she make a sex toy out of a soup can? Get crafty for Valentine’s Day with some ideas that might not get repinned on Pinterest but might be a lot more fun. We’re posting early to give you time to create your masterpiece!

For the single guy on your list, how about an Artificial Pussy?

Remove the lid and bottom of an empty soup can (or similarly sized can), and insert a white tube sock, folding the open part back over the rim of the can. Repeat using two or three socks — slide your fingers in to test snugness. Shove a plastic bag inside as a liner, and fold the open end over the top of the can as well. Secure with elastics. Pour in some warmed baby oil or lube and he’s in business. When he’s, um, done, he just chucks plastic bag, and replaces it with a clean one for next time.

For extra fun, he can use a pillow to elevate it to the proper pussy level or wrap a heating pad around your fake pussy to further simulate the real thing.

Cost: less than $5, or zilch if you’ve already got this shit lying around the house.

For her, try a Bubblewrap Dildo.

Cut bubble wrap (you can buy it at most stationary stores) into an 8 by 10-inch rectangle. Roll lengthwise with the bubbles on the outside. Slip a condom over the entire roll, secure it with tape, and voila, you now have a resilient disposable dildo. Tell her to practice her Kegels by trying to pop the bubbles.

Cost: If you’re smart, you’ve saved some bubble wrap and have condoms already. Otherwise, you’ll have to shell out a couple of bucks for supplies.

Here’s a great idea for a cheap and funky Strap-on Harness. Get a pair of your tightest and sexiest 501s, and just pop a dildo (one with a flared end) between the buttons. If you want more freedom and movement, turn the 501s into cutoffs. Just make sure they’re still tight enough to hold the dildo in place.

Cost: You’ll need to shell out for a dildo with a flared base or you can adapt the end of the bubble wrap dildo with duct tape for mere pennies.

Here’s a super simple and cheap idea for a sex toy for him: Kids’ air wings. Lube ‘m up and off he goes.

Cost: Free if you know any kids who have outgrown theirs. Otherwise, try the dollar store.

Apparently, pharmacists in ancient Persia offered the following as an aphrodisiac for women: “nine apple seeds ground together with whiskers from a man who had been brutally killed, a few grains of barley retrieved from a grave, the blood of a worm, of a black dog and of the second finger of the left hand, mixed with semen and stirred into a glass of wine.”

This might be a little tough to pull together before Valentine’s Day but you can concoct sexy Massage Lotions for cheap.

Or mix twenty drops of lavender into eight ounces of unscented lotion. Serve up this one with a nice massage and some pumpkin pie. (a study out of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago found pumpkin pie and lavender increased blood flow to men’s penises by as much as 40 per cent.)

Cost: Under $20. The oils are available at health stores and unscented lotion from the drugstore.

Make An Erogenous Zone Game

Find a sexy shot of your sweetheart or use an image of a hot body and stick your partner’s head on it. Glue the image to a square piece of cardboard. Make a cardboard arrow and stick it into the center with one of those copper butterfly thingies that make it so you can spin the arrow. Buy sticky dots and dice from the dollar store. Tell your partner to stick the dots on the image wherever they’d like you to get busy. Spin the arrow and throw the dice to determine how many minutes you must spend on the selected spot.

For him or her, how about some Homemade Smut? Buy some nice Japanese paper, or hell, just cut up brown paper grocery bags into “pages” and glue sparkles to them. Write a hot story. If the creative juices aren’t flowing, copy one you like, print it up in a nice swirly font and glue it to the pages. Tie the pages together with nice ribbon and toss a hot Polaroid of yourself (or, staying creative here, a picture of your partner’s fave hottie with your head superimposed) on the cover.

Combine this with some homemade massage oil, make your sweetie a sexy meal and you’ve got a gift that keeps on giving.