Mueller Suspends Probe, Citing ‘Extreme Writer’s Cramp’

In a rare press release, FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller has announced that he is temporarily suspending the investigation into possible collusion with the Russian government during the 2016 presidential campaign. It seems that Mueller and his whole team have begun to suffer chronic writer’s cramp, and severe carpal tunnel syndrome.

The full text of the press release can be read below:

FBI Headquarters
Washington, D.C.

RE: Temporary Suspension of Investigation Proceedings

Deputy Director Rosenstein:

This memorandum is to formally notify you that I have made the decision to temporarily suspend all investigation activity by my team and me for a period not to exceed 2 weeks.

As you know, the vast majority of our jobs entail preparing detailed investigative reports of our findings. While we are working diligently to rapidly conclude this investigation, the President of The United States continues to behave in a manner which produces additional actionable evidence pertaining to this case, thereby extending the investigation.

In my decades as an FBI agent, I have seen numerous clever attempts by targets of my investigations to elude me. I’ve had people flee the country, attempt to kill me, lie, and even harm themselves. However, this is the first time I have seen this method. President Trump seems to have discovered that he can avoid prosecution by continuing to commit crimes. The President just will not stop committing crimes! As long as I am investigating him, I cannot conclude my reports to submit for prosecution.

Over the past 16 months, my team’s tireless efforts to keep up with this President’s actions have led to physical injury as a result of the endless typing. I have two employees who have been diagnosed with severe carpal tunnel syndrome. Another member of my staff has tendonitis in his wrist which is so painful, that he has lost 15 pounds from not being able to feed himself. I personally struggle to prepare this letter through a bout of extreme writer’s cramp.

It is for these reasons that my team must rest. We trust you will understand, and we look forward to continuing the investigation after the two week suspension.

Best Regards,

Robert Mueller
FBI Special Counsel

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