Monday, September 21, 2009

What if they read this?

There was an article here: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=7955014 from KSL.com. I read the article and then went to comments - expecting to see nothing but hate and anger toward this family. I was surprised to see how many RAD parents were out there - and just other folks who got it. It bothered me to read again and again how 'special' the parents are for 'doing this'...I hear that a lot to and NO, I'm not. I didn't go out and TRY to adopt special needs kids. I fell into this head first. That, does not make me more God-like or special...it just makes me a learner. At any rate...there was one comment the ripped the mother because she had admitted (in writing) that she had hated her daughter at times. This commenter wanted to know how she would answer her daughter's questions someday when she sees that - because it's out there for all time.

So is what I say here. My kids know I blog and write for an adoption site. They see me working on my computer and will sometimes ask "are you writing about me?"...they've even commented when they make a bad choice "I bet that will make the blog today". I'm honest with them...they already know pretty much everything I write here. They know that there are sad days and mad days and glad days in our lives. We've discussed that love can live in the background sometimes while anger and yes, even hatred, can seem more out front. They have hated me and I have have hatred towards them. RAD is a hard pill to swallow...you just never know what it's like to live this life, until you do. That is where we are now. Living it and there is no way I know how to live like a liar.

Don't take this that I sit and tell my children daily whether I love them or hate them. I'm not cruel or even living in anger. But, when they've seen me cry (and my gosh, I've become so much more of a cryer than I ever was before RAD), I don't pretend that they didn't play a part. I wonder what will happen if they read this someday - and I will let them if they ask...then I wonder if it will surprise them at all. Much like our daily life - there are good posts, sad posts, funny posts and mad posts...and underneath it all I write about it because I trust that one day - they will be healed and this can be our journal of memories. So, if it's you, my precious children, reading this now...know that I did my best, just as you did and together we found success!

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About Me

Welcome to the world of tweeners, teenagers, bi-polar, attachment disorder, OCD and general disorder. Many of those are ME! Three kids (youngest two adopted from Russia in 2005), two dogs, a hubby and a part-time job...and always excitement! Tough decisions have been part of our life lately, but we are in the right place...with questions of course!