Category Archives: Stay At Home Mom

Time is precious. The closer we get to the birth of Baby Boy, the more I realize how fleeting moments with Muppet are. I’m feeling an odd sort of nostalgia, or maybe it is guilt. I can’t quite tell. I think it is because we fly out next week, so this week is essentially the last time it is just her and me. We’ve become a bit of a Girl’s Club and I’m finding it very hard to let that go. Of course I’m so excited to meet our boy, but I’m very aware that the times are changing and I’m never going to get this time back with Muppet again.

I think a large part of it is due to the fact that as of this moment, Baby Boy is mythical. I’ve heard he is coming, I’ve prepared for it, but I find it a little hard to believe. Whereas my daughter is living and breathing right before my very eyes and I hate the though of losing the bond I have with her even a little bit. I know once he is here, most of these thoughts will likely disappear and that I will be so thrilled to add a new member to our little club. So for now I’m just trying to soak up these last few days with Muppet. My incredible little girl whom I treasure above all else.

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Our home study was finalized last week and we are pretty much set to go. Muppet and I will fly out 6 days before the induction date and J will drive up a few days later. He just has to wrap a few things up at work. So we are crossing our fingers and toes that A does not go into labor before he arrives. Hopefully she makes it to the induction date, as that gives a little more time to prepare and process everything that is about to happen. I think of her every single day and wonder how she is managing. I know she is struggling a lot, I don’t know how you couldn’t be struggling in this situation, but she says she is 100% sure about placement so I’m trying not to worry. Not that that is really possible, even though I trust her, I’m still so scared she is going to change her mind.

But she is stronger that I know I would be in this situation. She has already proven to us how strong she is and how much she cares about her children. We couldn’t ask for a better birth mom. As of right now she is set on meeting Muppet the night before the induction, which totally freaks me out but of course it is something I will honor. I’m just hoping she realizes that Muppet isn’t even 2 yet, so she doesn’t do well with people she doesn’t know. I don’t want her to become upset if Muppet won’t let her hold her, it won’t be anything personal, she is just a toddler. She is too young to understand who A is and I hope A will be able to accept that.

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I’m not sure if anyone noticed (probably not) but I took down all pictures that showed Muppet’s face. I all of a sudden became very aware of how public I was making myself and it freaked me out. I’d be shocked it at least a few people who know me in real life haven’t found this blog, but still. This is my safe place and I need it to stay that way. Therefore I will be making a few blog posts that are password protected. These might contain pictures of the kids, or they might just be things that are really personal and that I don’t want floating around for anyone to find. I have NO problem giving the password out, especially if you’ve been following me a long time. If you see a password protected post and would like access, shoot me an e-mail (go to the ‘about me’ section at the top and there is a contact form) and I’ll respond as soon as possible. I know a lot of you will likely want to see pictures of Baby Boy once he is here so I’ll put those up under a password. But worry not, my normal every day rantings will remain wide open for all to judge. I anticipate very few protected posts, but I did want to make people aware.

We just got word today that they have scheduled our birth mom for an induction a whole week earlier than we had originally planned. 7 days which feels like both an incredible blessing as I am so impatient to meet our son, and also a curse because that is 7 days I just lost for getting ready. It puts us under an extreme time crunch for certain things like potty training Muppet (I’m planning on starting next week) and buying a new car. Our current car is a Honda 4 door. While perfectly adequate for everyday use and two car seats, it doesn’t work when we are planning on making long road trips as there is no space in the backseat for me to sit with the kids. We had been planning on getting a small SUV anyways for hiking purposes but originally we weren’t going to do so till after the baby. Now because of the scheduling change we will most likely be driving home after Interstate Compact clears which is a 12 hour drive (we will split it into 2 days). So any suggestions for a small SUV (think Toyota Rav4 or Suburu Outback) that has room in the backseat for 2 car seats and a mom? I also have some sewing projects that I desperately want to get done before the baby arrives. I am so excited to meet this little guy but there isn’t time for excitement right now. Be right back, must go have a panic attack.

P.S. On the bright side I already have his bag packed and it makes me want to squeal with joy to look at all those time clothes.

Most days I’m so sad about how fast Muppet is growing up. Every time I have to clean out her dressers to clear out the clothes that no longer fit her I die a little inside. I miss her tiny little body cuddled up against mine and how she used to stretch and wiggle because that was the only way she could move. But then there are days that my heart just bursts with pride on how smart she is becoming. Today was one of those days.

She constantly amazes me with how much she understands. As we were driving home from some errands I glanced in the review mirror to check on her and I saw her singing ‘Itsy-Bitsy Spider’ to herself. It was all jumbled words and the only way I could tell it was that song was watching her do all the actions to herself in her mirror (she is rear facing and has a mirror on back of the headrest so we can see her). My heart just about melted at the sight. She knew exactly what she was singing even if she didn’t know the words.

She is also starting to do more of actual playing, rather than just sticking things in her mouth. This morning we made a little bed for her baby doll and she was so enamored with putting the baby to bed and then waking her up. She would cover her with the blanket and give her a bottle. Later after her nap and her afternoon snack I asked her what she wanted to drink, milk or juice? She looked right at me and said “Ummmm…” then signed milk. I about died. She is developing opinions and making decisions. Where did my baby go?!?

Thank you for all of the advice on my last post. I thought a lot about it and consulted with a few other moms I know, and I’ve decided that for now I’m going to let it go. Muppet is only 17 months old so I really don’t feel like I should be putting all this pressure on myself to remove the binky from her life. I’m going to relax about it and re-evaluate the situation when we are closer to two.

One of the main reasons I feel like this needs to wait is the tantrum situation is in full swing at our house right now. I feel like Muppet went from being a baby to being a toddler in a span of a week. There are so many wonderful things about toddlers. The way they learn new things is memorizing and I love watching her little brain pick up things that are going on around her. But the tantrums are hard. Even harder because as of right now Muppet has absolutely no understanding of the word “no”. She laughs at me every time I say it. I really don’t know what to do about it other than hope in time she will start to understand that when I say that to her there is a reason.

The biggest issue we are having is throwing food. Every time she is in her high chair she throws her food and laughs. It isn’t because she is not hungry or doesn’t like the food, she just thinks it is funny. I’m trying to implement the whole ‘if your throwing your food you must be done’ thing but so far it isn’t working. She gets down to play and then wants to eat food off of mine or J’s plate. But she won’t eat food in her high chair. On top of that, she isn’t gaining weight very well lately. Every appointment we drop in the percentiles more and more. She is an active kid so I understand why this is happening, but it makes it really hard to deprive her of food.

Now that she is getting older, though, I can finally start doing more planned activities with her. In the past she hasn’t been too interested in stuff because she would rather run around. But yesterday we did our first sensory box! She has SO much fun, as did I. I was a little nervous that because we were doing it on the balcony where we keep bikes and stuff that she would show no interest in the box but she surprised me. When I took her outside she went straight for the box and played with it the whole time without me needing to redirect her at all.

I can’t wait to find more activities like this to do with her in the future. Not only does it keep her busy for part of the afternoon, but I feel like she is the type of kid who has fewer tantrums when she is on a structured schedule. She has always done well with structure so I know I need to push to give us a little more of that now that she is growing up. It is really amazing how fast these little creatures change and grow. I want to be a good mom and sometimes I really need to remind myself that she needs my guidance. It is really easy for me to fall into a bit of ‘laziness’ with staying at home and playing with her. Toddler needs to run and be free!

Anyways this is mostly just me babbling. Things are changing so much in our house right now and I’m just trying to keep up with it all. I love this little girl so much. I love that she now calls me “Mommy” instead of just “Ma”. It really hits me that I have a kid and that I am her whole world. Me. That is mind-blowing, but also incredibly cool.

“Bin-ky, Bin-ky, Bin-ky!” echos throughout our house these days. Muppet has recently started using 2 syllable words and calling our for her beloved binky was one of the first she learned. I’ve always had a love / hate relationship with her pacifiers. I love how they are able to quell any tantrums and how they seem to soothe her during long trips in the car or on a plane. I also give them credit for her still taking 2 naps a day. But the older she gets the more they weigh on my conscience.

With the exception of her two-year old molars, Muppet has all her teeth. So the more I see the pacifier in her mouth the more I cringe thinking about the damage they are causing to her mouth. I also naively thought that as she got older she would become less dependant on them, not more. For awhile she would only take on type of pacifier, the soothies that they start babies on in the hospital. We had a few other kinds that people gave us but she refused them all. But over the last month as I’ve slowly started letting the binkys become lost she has decided that any binky will do. She takes them all now, as long as she can stick it in her mouth.

I know it is probably time for me to take control of the situation. She is 17 months old tomorrow and heavily dependant on these stupid things. But every time I think about taking it away I have a moment of panic. Muppet is a really good sleeper most of the time. She goes down at 7:30 (without the binky) and sleeps till 7:30 or 8 the next morning. Yes at some point during the night she does get her binky. On good nights it is between 5 or 6. Meaning she has slept 10-11 hours without it. These are the nights I convince myself that it isn’t a problem right now and I can wait. Then there are nights like last night. She went to be like normal but woke at 11:30 and wouldn’t go back to sleep without her binky. Then she woke at 2:30 and 6:15. Both those times I had to go in and giver her her binky even though it was in the crib with her and had she wanted to, could have grabbed it. Part of the appeal of letting her sleep with the binky is self soothing! Yet I’m still the one going in to give it to her over and over. Plus I absolutely cringe at the thought of her sleeping with it in her mouth for most of the night.

Despite the fact that she goes to bed easily without her pacifier, she will not nap without it. I’ve tried a few times and it was a disaster. And again, she naps twice a day! At 1 1/2 years old! To me this is a major thing and not something I want to end. She needs those naps, on the days she doesn’t get both she is so cranky it is unreal. So the thought of taking the binky away and rocking the boat with the nap thing scares me. We have also reached full-blown toddlerhood (I’ll write a post on this soon) complete with tantrums. Sometimes giving her the binky is the only thing I can do to quell the storm.

I’m seriously at a loss as to what to do guys. Right now I feel the ideal solution is to wean her of the binky at night but let her have it during naps and if needed during the day. The only way to get her off it at night though is to let her cry it out. I have no issue with this, we’ve done it before but she is also a lot different now and I’m scared of the inevitable day that she learns to climb out of her crib and scared that a cry it out session might push her to try.

As you can see my mind is a jumble. I don’t know what to do or how to do it. Can someone else come do this for me? As I type this she is in the middle of a tantrum because I wouldn’t let her throw a book at my head. Binky to the rescue!

2014 is gone. It was without a doubt the fastest year of my life. It was the first year that Muppet has been alive for the full 12 months. My days turned into story books, kissing dollies, going to the park and nap schedules. It was the best.

Muppet is now 16 months old and quite a little firecracker. She is one of the sweetest children with the happiest disposition I’ve ever seen. She is full of smiles and laughter. She loves her baby dolls and is constantly hugging them while saying “awww” and patting their little heads. Despite all the she is quite stubborn and dramatic when she doesn’t get her way. She signs “more” all day long and if you say “no” to what she is asking for, the motions get bigger and bigger until she finally melts to the ground in anger. Tantrums shouldn’t be allowed to be that cute.

Now that she is getting older we have had to start making decisions about how we want to proceed with building our family. We have always known that we wanted more than one child. In the early days, before infertility, we had decided on 3-4 kids. Now we are very certain that 2 is going to be our number. I can’t imagine going through more than 2 adoptions. Not only is it too expensive, but the emotional stuff starts to add up quickly. Because we will only be having 2 children, we very much want them to be close in age. 2 years would be our ideal, but that is coming up really quickly. We are aiming for no more than 3 years apart now.

We are hoping to start the adoption process sometime within the next few months. We need to renew our homestudy, which supposedly is not nearly as hard or costly, before we can start the matching process again. I really don’t know what to expect this time around. We will again be pursing trans-racial adoption and hope to get another african-american baby so that Muppet has a family member who looks like her. The fact that we already have a black child could majorly help us. Or birth moms could lean more towards other couples who don’t already have children. It could go either way. I know we will get picked, but it is impossibly to know how long it will take.

I am both incredibly excited and terrified at the thought of another child. I know Muppet will be an awesome big sister but I also think of all the things that are going to be so much harder when there are 2 kids to take care of. 2 nap schedules, 2 night-time issues, 2 different personalities, ect. It is definitely going to be a challenge. But having a baby again is going to be so incredible. I love watching Muppet grow and learn but toddlerhood has come full force to our house and it isn’t always easy. Over the holidays Muppet had her Dad and my mom at her disposal at all times so she decided she never wanted me. If I tried to hold her she would struggle and cry until Daddy or Grandma rescued her. It was incredibly hard on me. But I know it was just the novelty of having someone other that Mom around to give you all their attention. Now that we are back home she is my girl again. Those baby hugs are worth all the tantrums in the world.

I hope that we get as lucky the second time around as we did the first. Although at the moment it is hard to imagine any child topping the one I have right now. I wish you all a wonderful new year and hope all of your dreams come true.

It is absolutely amazing how much my life has changed in the span of a year, and even more amazing how much you can love someone that you’ve known for such a short period of time. 3 days ago my little Muppet turned 1 year old. I spent the whole week surrounded by a cloud of nostalgia about the previous year waiting for her arrival. I was bombarded by memories of those first moments when she came into this world and became our daughter. It feel like another lifetime ago.

This year has been the most amazing year of my life. Getting to spend my days with this intelligent, funny, beautiful child has change my world for the better. She has healed me in ways that I didn’t think were possible. She has also taught me something that I knew in my heart but that I always worried about: Being a mother is not about giving birth, it is about giving your life to your child.

Don’t misunderstand me, birthing a child is no small thing. I know that better than anyone as I find it amazing that children are even born at all after all my experiences of what can go wrong. I am SO thankful for A and for her amazing strength and sacrifices as she carried Muppet through those crucial 9 months. But being a mother is so much more. And I am SO lucky that I am the one that precious girl calls ‘mama’ and runs to for hugs.

Muppet is thriving. She is SO smart. She now uses over 10 signs (American Sign Language) and says a handful of words. She started walking 3 weeks before her birthday. She absolutely loves baby dolls and is quite the little mother. She carries them around while patting their heads and giving them kisses. She has such a sweet nature but is also extremely stubborn. If she wants something she lets you know it. She is a huge daddy’s girl. Every morning when he leaves for work she cries and watches him leave from the window. When he gets home she runs to the door laughing hysterically waiting for him to pick her up and play. She has 10 teeth with an 11th about to break through. She loves to eat and pretty much eats anything I put in front of her. Her favorite food is veggies of any kind. Words can not describe how much I love this little girl. She may not be my baby anymore but she is a pretty awesome toddler.