A heartfelt thank you

Number of posts : 68Location : Over the rainbowRegistration date : 2011-10-11

Subject: A heartfelt thank you Sat Nov 09, 2013 10:44 am

Hello D, I was just checking in and seeing about yall. Is lilgirllost still around too? I am the admin/mod at watchdog and stay pretty busy over there but It has been 4 years now for me since I came on these forums freaking out about my clinic and I will never forget and tell people so often how this forum, MSO and the DAWG helped me thru it all...i.e. qtc issues...bashful kidneys....can't get blood from me (bad veins) for peak and trough...nurse that retaliated against me over a grievance etc....transferred clinics over the nurse...in fact I posted my story on MSO the other day thanking Carol and Mike for all they did I will copy paste it here so you can remember me....

And personally I thank you all on this forum and all Pro MMT/MAT forums for even the members that get on and participate sharing their experiences and knowledge they have regarding Methadone/Suboxone. I am nobody special...I am a methadone patient 4 years now that in a moment of pure panic stumbled upon this forum, the GA Forum and the DAWG when I ran into a situation that threatened my participation in MAT and at my clinic.

I had been on methadone about 9 months, still suffering from withdrawals and sickness every night, but I had qtc issues (527 qtc) and I could not pee in front of anyone and was being ramrodded by nurse ballbreaker at my clinic everytime she had to swab me instead...I needed to have a dreaded and feared Peak and Trough that all the other patients at the clinic were telling me not to do in order to get an increase so I had been scared to push the increase any further....my counselor had quit so I was having to request all these thru the nurses and this one nurse hated addicts in general (the lead nurse) .... But me super bad all because I was sick at how harsh she was with the patients and I had written a grievance on her for telling us all in the lobby if we did not like the way the clinic ran there were plenty more druggies that would love to take our place in line.....

So this one day at 5:00 a.m. as usual because I was sick from midnight on every night.. I walked in to get dosed and I was told by this nurse, before I could dose...I was going to have an observed UA NO EXCEPTIONS...(they always let me have swabs before)...ALSO another EKG and if I scored high I was going to be "treatment teamed" and be decreased in my dose and then put on suboxone....and instead of getting my 3 takehomes that day, I would be coming to the clinic at 6 :30 a.m. for the next 3 mornings for observed dosing to end on day 3 with a blood draw..(which they had tried to draw blood three times before to include my admission blood work and had yet to ever be able to hit a vein)....

I knew life as it had been for the last 9 months, pretty damn good (except for late night), drug free, a return to my family and back in my children's life was under threat or attack. I was being targeted by "NURSE BALLBREAKER" ....I SPENT 4 HOURS THERE TRYING TO PEE IN FRONT OF HER, THE GIRL WHO RODE WITH ME LOST HER JOB FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO GET THERE..MY EKG was worse than 527 qtc but thank god, a new temporary counselor (who in time and is now my counselor) finally spoke up and allowed me to get dosed despite the nurses threats to not dose me because of the UA "willful refusal" the nurse wrote me up for....

It was an effin nightmare that day....but after riding up and down the drug dealer's road in search for Opana's...I decided to ride over across town to another methadone clinic which was closed but I talked to a nurse in the parking lot who told me if I felt I was targeted I could transfer...she spent like an hour outside her car door talking to me in that parking lot...I was hysterical. She also mentioned I had avenues of organizations that might help me with being targeted and for me to go home get online and search them out which is what I did and I found this place....Actually No I found the GA forum...where within an hour I got a response back from both the admin "D" and lilgirllost....My thread was hysterical and even tho they were quick to try to calm me...nothing would help the hysteria so I kept looking for more and more and found this place and the DAWG too.

I spent the next 2 or 3 days on the internet with them ruthann and D (GA Forum), then on here which Carol and Mike immediately began to try to soothe me and the DAWG where Zenith, Chris Kelly, Momo and a a few other members on each of the forums did the same...I used all three forums more like chatrooms than like the usual forums....I had never been on either (chat or forum threads) tho before this moment in my life...meaning: make a few post, wait til next day look for responses and make more posts etc....I would write these long (pages) post/threads of my feelings, fears and questions, copy paste on the other two forums the same, then read all the responses I got on all three forums from my last post usually all in the same day or few hours and then to begin all over a few hours later...This went on like this for weeks....where I was on the forums all day everyday, typing away, educating myself to MMT/MAT. Absorbing everything all three forums were offering me....

Everyone on all three forums sympathized with me and wrote multiple posts and PM's all in the same day back and forth with me not leaving one question unanswered nor my needs unattended....With any free time between crying, writing, copying, pasting, crying more writing more etc..etc...etc...I would use that time to research MMT/MAT in general on the internet and talk with my newly found friends and support system.... and within weeks 6 to be close, I had transferred clinics, wrote several grievances, the nurse lost her job soon thereafter while I was gone to the new clinic, the old clinic administrator called and ask me to come back to the original clinic because my peak and trough results were indicative of a needed increase regimen and split dose and the clinic I was attending he knew would not accommodate me....So nonetheless and therefore, I had become very active in all three forums to say the very least....etc...

I am sure by now after reading the above, you must remember now who I am as they and everyone from all three forums really had a mess on their hands with me.....and I kept them busy as hell and writing/working a lot at first.... They would tell me to breathe and even get away from the computer writing about it so much...also saying I was panicking way too much, things would get better, etc...OMG they were all my lifeline at that time...

But/And then of course there were even some tough lover's on the forums that told me to shut up and stop or slow down on all the writing of the "books/novels" and to "please use paragraphs not page long paragraphs"...also, "I needed to see a shrink instead of using the forums", and furthermore, "Was I on medication if not I need to be" etc..But thank God, I could depend on some of you ole timer's like Zenith, Mike, Carol, Momo, lilgirllost and D and even sweet sapphire to run to my rescue and tell them to leave me alone...I would simmer down in time and when I could, etc...

They always knew what to say to help me and they never left a post/thread unanswered...There will always be new members to walk in and blend in or shake s--- up but I aspire to be like one or all the above mentioned ole timer's and stick around and help fellow MMTer's with their struggles along the way. After my entrance into the forum community I owe a duty to be there as I was well taken care of and by a bunch of strangers at first that cared enough about the MAT purpose/mission to tackle issues (my issues) no matter how panic stricken or the worry wart I was...they all went well beyond just forum attendance and/or mentoring to eventually becoming very dear friends...

So, please know and truly absorb this....forum attendance and mentoring is very important and no less of a commitment than the ones who lobby, write, appeal and assist in the rules of the MMT/MAT....getting and staying involved in forums keeps the message alive and our community armed with information and deliver/spreads the "Know How's" from the ground floor so to speak. So even in times of drama, there is a time to fight it out and a time to end in retreat (which is not the same as defeat). THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU ALL DID FOR ME THEN AND NOW...

Finallyachance,I do remember you. I remember you well and I have followed your progress on your journey in helping others so they don't have to go through all that you did when you first introduced yourself to the forums. 'You have come a long way baby' as the saying goes.

No, lilgirllost is not around these days. She is doing well though. She has family obligations which don't allow for much time online and she is missed greatly.

Your story is one that is too often heard by others who choose medication assisted treatment/recovery. The stigma and treatment of patients is unjust and it's scary for those who find themselves in the position of having their rights as patients taken away. Where to turn? What to do? and How to do it. On one hand we should all be able to feel safe in speaking up for ourselves but the fear of retaliation can hold us back. I remember when you were feeling just that way but with strength, perseverance and much support from those who have been there themselves, you were able to move forward and take the step into freedom of how it should be. I am so proud of you and I admire you. Keep up your work, there are so many who need the support and kindness that is not always given so freely. We will be here and hope to hear from you as often as possible.Be well,D

"I will let yesterday end so that today can begin"

Never take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider