Tuesday, July 29, 2014

- You know what else is coming: "Beware of the Cat!" is now "Beware of the Fart!"

- Sometimes I really hate myself. Oh well.

Farts For Everyone!

- This cover is COATED in feline. The wallpaper and bed clothes are covered in cats. There's a shelf of kitty figurines and I think there's a kitty rug on the floor. Oh, and the kid is transforming into a giant freak of nature. The items on her desk are odd. A book titled "Cat O' Nine Tails" and a sheet of paper that reads 'Debbie was here laughing'. Okay then.

- This one was written by Katherine Lance who has written a ton of children's/young adult stuff under her own name and under pseudonyms. Anyone heard of the Phantom Valley books by Lynn Beach? They were written in the early '90s and the covers remind me A LOT of stuff by Christopher Pike and our master R.L. Stine.

- The plot of this book once again involves a kid doing something really stupid and paying dearly for it later. In this case, we have Wendy who has a feverish obsession with cats. She finds a cat charm for sale, but the owner doesn't wanna sell because it's a WERECAT charm and it's dangerous which is why it was just lying around where anyone could grab it which Wendy does after throwing down some dollars. (But that comes a little later.)

- Wendy is into gymnastics but has "never been very sure-footed." Hmm...that doesn't bode well for a future werecat.

-Wendy has a bully named Nancy who enjoys making fun of Wendy's love of cats. A few gems: "Maybe your little cat friends can give you [gymnastic] lessons, Wendy." and "I thought you'd love to be more like a precious kittycat." May you feel the sting of werecat claws in your flesh and acrid werecat urine in your face, Nancy.

- Shadyside has a Cat Circle Breeders' Show.

- A white star shape on a cat's forehead is the mark of the werecat.

- The lady who owns the werecat charm necklace, Mrs. Bast, tells Wendy that werecats are like werewolves except they transform every night and apparently the Fear Street Woods are positively infested with them. Is there anything that Fear Street Woods ISN'T infested with?

- Wendy is shocked when she transforms into a giant orange cat, but everything is immediately made okay by the scent of some nasty ass fish in a garbage can and a mouse murder. The simple life of a cat...I envy it.

- Nancy's back! She takes Wendy's cat shirt and throws it in a puddle in the gym showers. "Too bad. I hear cats hate water." ME-OW.

- Wendy and her friend Tina are so obsessed with cats they watch a nature video about big cats at their sleepover.

- Nancy hates cats so while she's sleeping, Wendy the Werecat sneaks into her room and rubs cat hair all over her school clothes. She also creeps onto Nancy's bed and rubs her furry body all over one of Nancy's pillows. Unfortunately, Nancy wakes up, Wendy hides instead of running, and Nancy slams the window shut so Wendy is trapped inside. Smooth move, were-lax.

- I like cats and everything, but this book is incredibly boring...

- Wendy has a street rumble with another werecat. No-one wins.

- Wendy is kind of an idiot. She totally forgot about the werecat charm. So...I don't really know what her reasoning was behind the fact that she TRANSFORMED INTO A FRIGGING ANIMAL. Did she think if you obsess about cats enough you'll eventually become one? She only got the charm like two days ago!

- Wendy wears a black turtleneck with white kittens all over it. Sounds like something I wore as a kid except my shirt was a pale yellow button down with white shaggy dogs all over it. You can't measure that level of cool. (HAHAHAHA)

- Nancy is allergic to (were)cats and now she's all red and lumpy looking.

- Wendy watches the movie Bell, Book, and Candle which has a cat in it. Because this book is about cats. In case anyone forgot.

- Noises angry cats make: "Mowwwrrr!" and "Ssssttt!"

- Wendy trying to convince Tina she's a werecat: "I'm serious. I turn into a werecat at night. I-I'm covered with fur! I prowl the alleys!" You just described my brother. Does that mean he's a werecat? I always pictured him as more of a werebear.

- Wendy licks a canary. Do whatever you want with that because I sure as hell don't know what to do with it.

- Mrs. Bast steals Tina's cat Shalimar so the girls follow her home, and, predictably, she lives in a shit heap on Fear Street. Oh yeah, it turns out the cat wasn't even Shalimar so they just broke into this old lady's house for no reason.

- The charm is now off Wendy's person (Mrs. Bast showed her "the secret clasp") and yet there are 20 pages left. Ssssttt!

- Cornstarch absorbs dirt. Since when?

- Wendy becomes a werecat AGAIN and tries to kill her reflection. *sigh* Stupid cat.

- A gang of werecats surrounds Wendy the Werecat, but before they can claw her to death or choke her with hairballs, the sun comes up and they all begin to change. Who are the werecats? Her mother, father, and brother. Yes, this crap is hereditary.

Conclusion? - Cats cats cats cats cats. Did I mention cats? Because this book sure as hell did, about 5,678,355 times.