Month: December 2014

I write. I love it. Fun all the time. When I’m not writing, writing is what’s on my mind.

So the other day I get to thinking, why don’t I become the best writer of all time? I like it so much why not be the best to ever do it? Then I put my hand on my chin and pondered. What do I need to do to be the best?

I came up with the list of tips below to help myself on this impossible journey.

1. Be Dead

Shakespeare. Plato. Emily Dickinson. James Joyce.

Know what they all have is common? They’re dead! The deader you are, the better writer you are. That’s how writing works.

Michael Jordan is recognized as one of the best basketball players of all time. He’s done and his work can be analyzed. A writer’s career isn’t done until they are dead. So even if you’re declared the greatest writer that has ever been, you don’t get to enjoy it. It’ll be long after you and everyone you know have gone on to the other side.

Sorta sucks, but that what comes with the territory.

2. Be Visible

If someone wrote the most profound articles on a small blog with 16 followers, they’d never get the recognition they deserve. It’s like spitting into an ocean of human creation. You have to be out there! Stand out! And the common people must know you. You’re going to want your writing to be simple enough so that billions can consume it, but complex enough that intellectuals will argue over what you meant. That is the key to being the best.

Speaking and writing in English is likely a requirement for writers moving forward.

3. Live a Weird Life
If you have a boring life, nobody’s going to give a shit about your writing. There’s no hook if you lived an average life even if you wrote some . Do people want to read what Bob Dude, who lived a happy life, wrote? No. They want to read what Bob Dude, who fought adversity, wrote? Get some weird rituals. Wear a living cat as a hat or a shoe. Eat only blue foods. It’s going to help in the future when they’re pulling old writing and deciding who gets to be the best.

4. Make Up New Words

A writer who adds to the dictionary is a going to have a lasting impact. Any writer can take the existing words and put them in a slick order that reads cool. If you make a new one, you’re great. You created. You’re in the dictionary. When people look up the etymology, you’ll be there at the beginning. It helps your case.

5. Write Now

All writing advice must have this as a tip. You need to write every day, it’s important so you get better and bla bla bla.

With these tips in mind I’m thinking that in 2752, I’ll become the greatest of all time. I’ll be dead long enough to get the respect I want. The robot overlords are going to love my novels after they translate them into binary. I’m keeping that in mind.