Cash as a wedding gift – how much do you give?

I think the go-to gift is cash, unless you can make something unique and personal for the couple (quilt, etched glassware, etc).
But even I was shocked to read about the perceived norm of $200 per couple (to cover your plate). That, to me, seems like a lot.
On the other hand, a kitchen aid mixer, which seems to be a very popular gift costs even more than that – closer to $300.

I looked up Emily Post‘s (etiquette guru) view on wedding gift costs and here’s what she says

There is no rule, so it is entirely up to you. Let your affection for the bride and groom and your budget be your guide.

How much do you give to the new couple? Or, if you don’t think cash is acceptable, how much do you spend on a wedding gift?

97 Responses

I actually just had this discussion the other day with some friends as I will be getting married this May. Some of us had said that a standard $50 will do for weddings you go to for a not as close friends or a not as close family member or co worker. Then $100 for a close friend, family member or so on.

We also were discussing about giving a certain amount in order to cover their cost of your dinner. I disagree with this though. If someone wants to host a lavish wedding and spend $150 per person, then so be it, but please do not expect guests to spend that much on a gift simply because you had to spend that much on their piece of chicken and glass of wine.

I think $200 per couple is the norm. I always give $100 if I am going alone and $200 if I am with guest. However, it really depends on where you live. If I was to go to a wedding downstate or in NJ, it would be even more.

You cannot give any less than $100 when you attend someone’s wedding. The cost of the wedding for the bride and groom can add up very quickly even if you aren’t having a “lavish wedding” with a piece of chicken and a glass of wine. I usually give around $150 – $200 depending on my relationship with the bride and/or groom.

I agree that your gift should not depend on how much it cost the couple. We had about 100 guests at our wedding and I would say the average gift we received was between $100 and $150 (closer family and friends gave more). For weddings we’ve attended we give at $100 (generally if one of us was in the wedding)or more depending on how close we are to the couple.

Sorry Mike9647 but if one is looking for the guests to finance the wedding than perhaps less lavish party is in order. What is so wrong with a modest wedding and inviting people because they are close friends and family with whom you’d like to share your special day? Having expectations about gift and inviting people just to get gifts is just plain tacky.

I understand there are significant financial restraints, especially at my age where it seems I have a wedding every other day! If you want to spend less because:
1) you don’t know the couple well, then purchase off the registry
2) you have budget constraints, but know the couple well, either purchase off the registry, or buy something you think they will enjoy.

HOWEVER, if you do chose to give money, and are attending with a guest, I would advise giving no less than $100.

I was shocked when I moved here from Virginia and was told you should pay what the dinner costs. I agree with Emily Post, let your budget and affection for the couple be the driving factor. I usually give $150-200 when my husband and I attend and more to family members. Another factor is how far I have to go to the wedding and what travel expenses I incur (like airfare, hotels, rental cars etc.)

Wow….I hope my daughter’s friends and family are seeing this! She could sure use the money! LOL….but I find it odd that people would find the need to “cover” their plate….after all..WE (her mom and dad) are paying for it so how is it covering something SHE isn’t paying for?????

When it comes to weddings, otherwise sensible people lose their sense of propriety and have weddings that are pretentious and far more than their financial means should dictate. It is absurd to get into a fiancial bind, as many do, for a wedding. And it is absurd to try to emulate a wedding whose details the aspirants do not know. Lack of knowledge of formal affairs shows when there are tuxedos worn for morning or afternoon weddings, for example. The list of gaucheries goes on and on.

Everyone who plans a wedding should see the movie entitled “The Catered Affair”.

As I wrote out my check for $250, I wondered… will this be enough for my nephew? four airfares, hotel rooms, dining, personal dress for 4 and a rented vehicle… it really does add up. Thank you for the input.

I, also, am appalled by the current thinking that the gift be somehow determined by the cost of the “plate.” The decision to throw a modest or lavish party should have nothing to do with the receipt of gifts. The bride and groom throw the party for their friends and family, and should never go beyond their budget to do so. Gifts should be accepted with grace and joy, not with derision because someone didn’t cover the cost of their meal. What ever happened to class. Some of these weddings haven’t been completely paid for before the divorce proceedings begin. I hope couples can begin to focus more on their marriages and less on their weddings.

I’d never heard of this gift “rule” until readers mentioned it on my blog. I have no idea who created it, but I hope my own guests disregard it. Like many other couples, my fiance and I don’t need or expect anything; we just want the people we care about to be there when we get married.

I don’t see any reason to put a dollar amount on a shower gift, either.

I have been reading these comments to determine how much to give for a work-related friend who has invited just me to her wedding. I do not know her fiancee and either of them know my fiancee, so I was thinking $200 for us as a couple,but my fiancee thinks $150 since he does not know the couple. As well, we live paycheck to paycheck and have a Mortgage, car pmts, etc. I am surely going to keep my wedding light, so not to add this pressure to my own guests. Apps and desserts, oh and a Chocolate fountain. Been engaged 10 yrs, no hurry, HA!

I am glad to finally find this page. I am going to my first cousin’s wedding. He is Italian on the parents side and the bride to be is Polish on her parents side. They are having the reception at a golf country club. I truly believe we should give to cover the cost of the meal and free drinks. Am I safe in saying that I should put from $100 to $150 per person in the envelople for the couple that night? Never mind that I should give from the heart–I want to know the monetary value to contribute and this page has been very helpful indeed.

If you don’t feel like you are “close” to either the bride or groom why would you even want to attend the wedding? If you do attend $200-$300 per couple minimum. Factor in how nice the venue is, entertainment (ie., band) and whether or not there is an open bar. Now think, how much would you spend on a night out with your date, dressed up at a nice place, filet mignon, appetizers, dessert, several drinks and/or bottle of wine and a good band that rocks for 4 hours, dancing, etc. For those who said $50-$100… that’s what I give if I DON’T ATTEND THE WEDDING. And believe me, I’m not wealthy. In my experience, some of the cheapest people were some of the wealthiest and some of the most blue-collar were some of the most generous.

Wow! I had no idea that $200 is standard for wedding gifts, it just seems so high for me! If you can afford it, go right ahead and give whatever you can. What I fined screwed up in the United States wedding culture is that people who are struggling financially feel pressured to give more than they can afford as wedding gifts.

In the north east a lot of money is expected We are going to three this year in one family. We are on a tight budget and will put $200.00 in the envelope knowing full well we may be insulting the people we give to. the weddings will be lavish and expensive and all will be “destination” weddings. We will not partake in the destination and plan to drive to and from all. Most people will be staying for 2 days near the reception and will partake in cocktails as well as a breakfast. I’m sure $200 will not come anywhere near the cost. We hope we don’t insult our Italian family.

I went to a wedding in July and I still feel bad about giving $100 (for myself alone).
The wedding was gorgeous, with an open bar, a great band and an okay dinner.
I am still a university student, and the bride and groom are both recently graduated lawyers. They had many wealthy friends attend, and I now think I was probably the one that gave least.
To be honest I can’t afford more! I went to a Bridal Shower, for which I had to buy a gift (she was registered at some place). I had to go to a bachelorette party, and pay $30 for the take out food, which wasn’t worth it at all.
I feel bad now, and I can’t turn back time, but for those of you that say $150-$200 per person…I would have to be pretending to myself if I put in that much.

I’m really shocked to hear so many people say $200 or more is an appropriate gift for a wedding. We didn’t receive any gifts more than $150 at our wedding. Granted it was 5 years ago but $75 – $150 was the range not anywhere near $200. You shouldn’t expect to recoup costs for your wedding. I didn’t. It’s a gift not a payback.

These comments are so disheartening to me. Please, all of you who can’t afford $100-$200, know that if we invited you to our wedding it was because we wanted you to share in our day even if you gave us nothing but a beautiful note about what we mean to you (in fact, that is one of the most wonderful gifts.) I’m guessing a lot of other people feel this way.

We were married in our early 20s, and although we received some substantial gifts from our older relatives and parents’ friends, most of our friends were making very little money at the time. We didn’t receive anything from them that was worth more than $50 in 2010 dollars, and I never even thought twice about it until reading this blog. When you’re in your 20s, you are invited to lots of weddings, yet most people’s careers have yet to take off. To expect those guests to give $100-$200 is absurd.

I also agree that the type of wedding should have no bearing on the gift. Unlike personal entertainment decisions, the guests have no say over the sort of wedding event. If people want to have fancy weddings, fine, but they shouldn’t count on the guests footing the bill.

I agree $100.00 per person its a gift and a night out, of dinner and entertainment , for pleasure to spend with a friend/friend of family or close family member or just a family member. Whats better than that. Yes we as parents are footing most of the bill and yes we too want all of you there to share in the special day, but do think you should consider paying at least a portion of the meal and entertainment especially if its a bit formal) as you would if you were having a fun night out and consider giving a gift. If I dont feel I can afford that much I will just send a gift of cash(they can purchas their own vase or pans, if that is what they want) of about $125.00 (if your a couple)half of that if single. If I feel I can aford a night out then I would go and atleast give $200.00 (as a couple) Its a fun night out and that is why I feel its ok to pay for my meal. It is 2010 Most places you rent like someone said if its not VFW/Hall, the costs range from $10,000.00 to $15,000.00 . Im from RI. My daughters reception is in MA, Its costing $13,000.00 I gave her $10,000.00 gift of cash as she is by far not very well off, as a wedding gift to do what ever she chose to do with it( I hoped she would save for a home) she chose to have a wedding reception because she wanted to share her special event with everyone. She still had to pay for other things as well… His parents gave them a cruise as gift. God Bless them Give with your heart. I have had 2 other weddings this year one for a neice and one for a friends daughters 2nd marriage, I gave the neice $250.00, and will give the 2nd marriage $175.00 I cant afford it either I am the only one working in my home, husband is disabled. Fortunately we budget and do not have any bills carried, and saved for our children so we were able to give these gifts and enjoy 3 nights out this year
Enjoy yours :)Oh, by the way gave my other daughter the same she opted to buy home and has a beautiful home and family now and we have all our family/friends parties at her home lol!

I just want to say that our daughter was married last week and we had a beautiful formal wedding: cocktail hour with passed appetizers, exceptional 3 selection meal with open bar all evening, wine service at the tables, beautiful candle wedding favors and an incredible DJ. Although most of our friends and family were very generous, can you believe that relatives from the grooms side actually gave $20.00 (family of 5 – $100, married son and wife $40.00) and some people don’t understand why my husband and I are insulted. We also had people from both sides that gave no gift at all, not even a card. How about 4 adults giving a picture frame? Do you think that’s appropriate? Parents plan a beautiful wedding so hopefully their children will have a wonderful start to their life together. All I kept thinking was…what if they had paid for this wedding themselves?..They would have been in the hole instead of having a great start. I now wonder if we should have given them the money that we spent on the wedding for a down payment on a house instead of giving a bunch of cheap people and wonderful night out!

I can’t believe what I’m reading. Didn’t you know the wedding was a celebration of your daughter’s marriage– not a ploy for gifts! I can’t believe you would even consider your guests cheap, they came to celebrate and it sounds like it was great, period. And yes, it would have been a better idea to give the money to them for investment, especially if money is so important to you. It might make you feel better to know that some gifts may not have arrived yet. I’m going to a wedding this weekend and all this talk about what is an acceptable amount to give makes me sick. I was debating 75 or 100, I guess I’m a cheap jerk. I think I might just write them a thoughtful poem instead of giving them money

After reading all these comments it now makes sense why so many people are up to their ears in debt, not to mention what is wrong with the world now days. I was married 30 years ago, and neither one of our familys had much money so we chose to have our wedding in a park and made wise choices to keep the cost low. The wedding was inexpensive but lovely. My dress cost $80.00 and I still love that dress! My husband and I never gave a second thought to who gave gifts and what they cost, but that is the way we were raised and the kind of people we are. I have always believed any gift should be appreciated as it is supposed to be the thought that counts. What a selfish society we have ended up to be, sad…

Here is a news flash, not everyone considers going to a wedding “a wonderful night out”. Many people view it as an obligation that they HAVE to attend. When they are expected to fork over half their paycheck to boot for a gift, often for people they aren’t that close to, it just adds insult to injury… If it is an expectation these days to give that much cash for a gift, whether you attend the wedding or not, maybe the thoughtful thing to do is not invite every shirttail relative and causual acquantince to your wedding. A lot of comments I’m reading here are leading me to believe that is exactly what is going on, invite everyone you’ve ever met and all their buddies and hope to rake in enough booty to cover the lavish affair! You get to impress everyone with your expensive wedding while your guests foot the bill. I wonder how much of that “cash” gets paid back to the guests when the marriage ends up in divorce in 18 months?

To “insulted”: I’m thinking you should have given your daughter and new husband money for a house instead of spending so much money on a lavish wedding if you expect the guests to “foot the bill” by giving lavish presents. Read some of the other comments above that say the same. That being said, I recently went to my nephew’s wedding and need to send a gift. My family spent thousands of dollars to go to the wedding (yes, we combined with a fabulous vacation), so I’m conflicted how much to send. The registry was hard to understand, so I never got to send anything. My nephew is VERY well off. I guess I’m supposed to send $100-200 from reading the notes above. WOW! Things have gotten expensive despite these tough economic times.

Unbelievable! A wedding reception is a party one is throwing to celebrate the wedding with friends and family. When you throw a party, you do not ask the guests to pay for their meals. If you can’t afford to pay for the food for your guests, don’t invite so many guests. The wedding gift is a gift given to the couple to in celebration of the marriage. It is not meant to “cover your night out”. I would give the same amount whether the reception were in the VFW hall down the street and they served hamburgers as I would give if it were in the most elegant country club and they served filet mingon. Give what you can afford to give. And don’t worry about insulting the bride’s mother.

One shouldn’t plan a wedding based on monetary gift expectations. You spend what you can afford, not what you think you might get in return. If that were the case, why don’t you just make people buy tickets to the wedding instead? For you to be insulted because the gifts weren’t up to your standards is quite tacky.

My husband and I got married 12 years ago in an another country. Most of our friends that attended the wedding gave us no gift at all. Even though I was a little surprised I was not upset because I knew they were young adults with very little money. Then my husband and I came to the US where we had a wedding reception for my husband’s family and friends. Nobody gave us expensive gifts in the $200 range. A lot of people gave us gifts in $20 – $50 range. There were a few $100 gifts but not a lot. Most people also gave us gifts from the registry and not money which we would have appreciated. There were some very cheap and funny gifts like a plastic thanksgiving candle holder, christmas towel and ornament. There were also some picture frames that I’m sure didn’t cost more than $15 or $20 from relatives. So there you have it.

I’m glad I found this page as I am attending a co-worker’s wedding in a couple of weeks. I know that most of the people attending are pretty well off so I was fighting with myself trying to figure out how much I should gift because I didn’t want to seem cheap. I had settled on $150 per person since I was told that amount is the 2010 standard. I’m a college student and working because I have rent and various bills to pay. I honestly can’t afford any more than $150…I gave $100 per person in the past when I attended weddings. I love going to weddings because they’re fun and great to be able to share in someone else’s joy. I think that’s all that should really matter but there will always be someone complaining about something.

To Insluted:
I think $100 cash for a wedding gift is a nice amount. I don’t see how $100 would be insulting? You say it was from a family of 5. Knowing it was from a family of 5 you can assume that only 1 or 2 people in that family were working parents. $100 might have been a lot of money for them. How much did you expect from a family with 3 kids? $300? Even $100 is a lot for some people. If you wanted people to pay for your daughter’s wedding you should have stated so on the wedding invitation. I would have been delighted to get a $100 gift myself.

To All the people that are about the $$…
You are the reason I am stressed out. My husband just lost his job and I’ve been friends with the girl for a year and now I’m expected to give $175 or so that I don’t have. I attended all othe events and even helped with cooking an cleaning up (friends w bridesmaids).

I gt married 3 years ag and received all different amounts from $15 – $500…. Didn’t complain an ounce. Everyone had fun even the older people. If you have a wedding for money SHAME ON YOU…

Also like someone said what about the people who divorce within that first 2 years.

When two good friends of mine got married, they invited everyone to hike a mountain with them with a reception right after the hike (vows were read at the top of the mountain), and strictly forbad gifts of any that day. All their college friends, many still in grad school got to come and perform and had a great wacky time. And most people were in hiking, i.e., plain, clothes, at the reception. I bet this wedding stuck out as the best one in many guests’ mind.
Be creative. Be romantic. And stop feeding the cookie-cutter, environmentally-harmful wedding industry (waste of a lot of food, and all the dry-cleaning chemicals).
By the way, those two still invite, every year, all wedding guests to come hike with them on their anniversary, now with their two kids.

We got married 15 years ago. We received anything from $5 – $50 gifts which really surprised us since the 50 was such a large amount. We got invited to another wedding this weekend and wanted to know how much to give. I was thinking $40 but after reading this will make it $50. I cannot see shelling out $200 to go to a wedding.

I have alway s hear the cost of the plate too. But when I was in college I gave $50/pp. Now that I am working and married my self We give $100/pp for close family and friends. $50/pp for co workers. Typically we will also spend $50-60 on a shower gift if invited.
Now We had family from out of town for our wedding and we received $50 per couple from most of them and We were shock to even receive that much since they are not the most well off, they paid to travel 550 miles, pay for the hotel and for food while hear (except at the rehersal and wedding). My Brides maid we told we didn’t expect gifts from since 4 of the 5 had to travel and had to pay for the dresses, adn shoes and some paid to get their hair, nails done. It costs a lot to be in the wedding and can put pressure on the bridal party too.

My boss who is also my friend is getting married in December. They are planning to have a light reception. They are averaging they will spend about $3 a person on food. They are getting some Costco platters and a cake. So if I’m suppose to cover the plate, then I can just give them $5 right? The whole thing about covering the plate is wrong. You should spend an amount that you are comfortable with and not pay for someone else’s wedding.

In the northeast it is AT LEAST $200 per person. To those who view going to a wedding as an “obligation” DON’T GO!!! It’s more insulting when you’ve attended someone’s graduations, wedding, baby shower, christening etc. and then they come to your wedding and give you $50 for two. Yes, that’s insulting. I’m not saying you have to cover the “plate” but you should give a gift that shows your love for the couple. If you don’t know them that well – why were you invited – JUST SAY NO!!

First off in the New Jersey and NY cash is the gift of choice, other parts of the country it is more common for gifts. I am getting married next summer and while we don’t expect people to cover their plate, as the day will cost us about 100k and well over 300 a person, that’s our choice, but now a days 100 per person is bare min, really 150-200, and people really should budget if its an issue as we all have more than enough notice when we are invited to weddings.

I just had a wedding and we paid for it ourselves. It cost just under 7 thousand for 50 guests. Most gave us $50 to a $100 which was fine. What wasn’t fine was my own parents going super cheap on us. They gave us a picture frame that was at most $20. I never asked them to help pay for it and they didn’t even have to travel to the wedding. Even if money is tight, $20 from my own parents was probably the most insulted I have ever felt. Most of my family was extremely cheap about it as only two relatives spent more than $100. Some had to travel but most came out for a vacation anyhow. I personally think $100 is a good amount but if you are family of the couple, don’t go cheap. Make it worth their while, they spent a fortune not just in money but also time and stress for you to have a good time.

I’ve been married twice so far and I can honestly say you give from the heart. My first wedding 26 years ago cost 75. per person, as for my second 15 years ago around 60. To me there were people I wanted there despite what they could give, I just wanted them to share my day! Other people as always would give and you could care less!!!! I give what I think is the right amount. If I see a couple goes out of there way to be gracious and caring I give more than enough. There’s no set amount it’s what you feel is right. This time it’s city hall, (you can’t get any cheaper)!!!!!

This has been very helpful to read. I usually give about $200 from my husband and I for friends and co-workers, and $300 for family. It’s nice to know that I am in the ballpark.

I agree with #59 that more seems to be expected for weddings in NY and NJ. I live in NJ.

My husband and I attend every wedding we are invited to. As he says, “you only get one chance”. If you can’t afford a gift, please don’t stay home. When planning a wedding, the couple must eliminate a lot of people because their numbers are limited. If you are invited to a wedding, it is because you are very important to the couple. If times are tough for you, go anyway. The couple will understand.

I always went above and beyond my means, but never thought of a “norm” when it came to giving wedding gifts.

Seeing as I’m bride to be, I took a peek here to see what my wedding guests might be thinking and by God, I hope they never visit this blog. After reading some of the comments, I started to feel bad about even inviting guests at all! Do they really have to battle with themselves to meet a social standard of generosity? The guests invited are invited because we care about sharing our special day with them, not for the gifts we may receive. Yes weddings are costly. When you have 135 guests like me, it will be pricey…but…I wish I could have my invitations re-printed to say “no gifts” to take the pressure off of those attending.

After reading these posts, I feel toally cheap! I have traditionally given $100 to family and closest friends; $50 for not as close friends. Wow, I guess I have been off the mark. However, those people to whom I have given $50, I honestly believe they would be uncomfortable receiving more than that from me….to the point I think they would mention it, as in “You did not have to do that/give that much”. We are all from St. Louis which I don’t think makes any difference but since other people seem to think the location is somehow tied to the amount of the gift, there you have it – St. Louis. Personally, I would feel uncomfortable if someone gave me $200 or more! It’s not necessary. I’m getting married soon and if any of my friends gave me that much money I would feel terrible.

Wow! After reading all the comments on this page, I am almost speechless. I find it amazing how people think that there are requirements just to go to a wedding. People aren’t looking at the bigger picture here. Apparently when you get invited to a wedding, the first thing that goes through your mind is “how much money you have to shell out!” When you should be thinking about how important and lucky you are for being invited to a couples celebration of the beginning of the rest of their lives! I’m a bride to be(may 2010) and don’t get me wrong, gifts of all sorts are wonderful but I’m not inviting you for your money. I’m inviting you for the good time! I sure hope that none of my guest feel the need to meet a standard just to come to my wedding.

alright, here is why I am pretty peeved. My friends, cousins and siings all keep getting married. I’m a full time medical student and I’m
gay. I live with my bf of 5 years who lost his job in the recession; I can’t work – literally, med students don’t have time. 8 hrs in the classroom, 8-12
hours rotations. I’m in my mid 20s. I DO NOT have the money to eat every day. I have to make $17,000/yr in studnt loans stretch out a year- rent, food, gas, bills, and incidentals like vaccinations required for school etc. I have been invited to 8 weddings since 2004 and stood up in 4. How am I supposed to afford gifts on top of the tux rental, the cost of getting to the wedding, the hotel, chipping in for the bachelor party? I don’t have a credit card because I’ve never made enough money to establish credit bc I’ve been in school my whole life, plus I didn’t want one bc I have enough debt w student loans (the 40k /yr my tuition costs, on top of the 17k I mentioned above for expenses). And the best part is: I’m LEGALLY not allowed to ask these people to return the favor some day bc I’m not allowed to get married. So for people like Miss “Annoyed,” do you still think I should shell out $300 to a bunch of assholes who don’t care that I’m , quite literally, broke and starving? Am I cheap for giving the $75 I could, which required eating scraps off trays in the cafeteria for a week bc I decided to forego buying food for 5 days to save that money? Give people a break! I’m honored and so touched that I’m thought of enough to be asked to stand up for someone but I’m doing something big with my life that took a lot of sacrifice, more than I’m comfortable doing at times, but I feel like a huge disappointment when I can’t give my loved ones nice gifts and I really feel they don’t understand.

COME ON PEOPLE??? $50 was the norm in 1973. Let’s all be reasonable here. I am in the burbs of Chicago. You give the amount you hope will cover your plate and then some. You want the couple to make their money back on the wedding, and then some…you know??? You help them to build up a nest egg. I just missed my cousin’s wedding cause my child barfed on me after the church, and I sent her $400. I did not even attend! I am a stay at home mom, and we aren’t rich…but you can’t be cheap…especially when it’s a family member. My in-laws had all their church friends at our wedding and these people were all free-loaders. Coming to eat a wonderful meal, and not even giving a CARD! Cheap people STAY HOME.

Give what you can. I would never want ANYONE to get stressed or not pay a bill in order to give me a gift. If you were invited, it was because I want you to join in the day. One of the most special gifts I got was a book that was $8.95 with a thoughtful inscription. If someone can’t afford to get me anything, ah well, such is life. If they can only afford a hand towel, thank you. And, to whomever said $20 a person was insulting, it is wonderful that you can be so generous, but that $20 a person may have been more generous than what you give when you factor out their socioeconomic status. Until you have walked in someone else’s shoes don’t judge.

It’s interesting to read the split reactions to this post. Half people say ‘cover your plate’ the other half say ‘give what you can, it’s a celebration not a charity drive’. Depending on your financial situation and how much you sunk into attending the wedding – give what you feel is right ($100 for some, $150 for others for me)

If people get insulted that you didn’t ‘give enough’ then shame on them. I have 3 weddings to go to so far this year with costs like $300 r/t flights, 2 nights hotel ($200), taking days off of work, renting a car ($100) and so on… If you think that someone giving $150 for two people isn’t enough then consider their total cost of $1000+ and ask yourself if that’s enough (that doesn’t even include the bachelor/ette parties people sink 100’s+ into). I’m giving up a nice vacation or part of a downpayment on a house to help create memories – people should be happy for the loved ones there, not their wallets.

When I was in college and working part time I found myself in a situation where I had 3 weddings in the same month. If I had given what I consider the going rate for my area of the country ($50 pp) I would have been giving more money in gifts than I made in income for an entire month! I felt terrible and didnt want to seem cheap. I remember cashing in a piggy bank so I could send $30 to a friend for her wedding. I was a grown woman of 22 but simply couldnt spend my whole part time income. Looking back I hope that the couples really appreciated what I gave. 3 years later I now have a good full time job and when I go to a wedding I will give $75-$200 based on how close I am to the couple and if travel/hotel is required. The funny thing is it meant more for me to give that amount than it does now when i give more freely because I worked so long to make so little at the time. Please keep that in mind that some of the “cheapest” gifts are sometimes the most generous.

I’m from NJ/NY area and weddings here aren’t cheap. They run anywhere from $125-$275 a plate and people are well aware of these costs. If I’m paying for my own wedding and I’m no where near being well off, I’d be a little insulted if a guest shows up with spouse + kids and give a measly $25-$50. Maybe the word insulting is a bit harsh..but it is ignorant to think a small denomination is appropriate for such a grand event that was so painstakenly prepared. Yes we want your company, but at least meet us half way and not give us a picture frame. Would you show up empty handed to a bar mitzvah, baby shower, or house warming party? Are you not expected to tip your server, delivery guy, barber, or stylist because it’s not a stated requirement? I’m just being honest here….everyone do expect a gift that’s proportional to the occasion even thought they don’t have the right to ask for it. This does not apply to unemployed or broke students by any means. If every guest at a wedding has the mentality that their presence is enough then wedding venues would go bankrupt because couples can’t afford to pay for everyone. Most couples aren’t even trying to make money off their weddings…they’ll be lucky if they break even.

I am getting married in a few months, and I am also attending a wedding next week. I wound up here because I wasn’t sure how much to give the couple. I always thought you should at least cover the cost of the dinner. I think it’s rude to go to a wedding, and eat and drink really well, I might add, and not even shell out for the filet mignon and cocktails. In that case, they should invite the whole town, or just go to a judge. The bride and groom are spending a little extra so you can eat that nice meal, so it is a nice gesture to give back. I agree with the post about attending a birthday party empty handed. For my own wedding, I would be grateful if I received lots of money (who wouldn’t be?). However, I also know that I might not make all of my money back that I’ve invested in that day. What matters is that my friends and family will be there to help celebrate with me. If you can’t afford to give a gift, then I’d plan on not eating a $25 filet and not drinking.

I’m in the middle of planning my wedding and reading these comments has been very enlightening. I’ll just throw out my thoughts.

First off, I am of those who has always covered the plate and then some. Having said that I’ve given anywhere from $75 to $200 per person, depending on what I know about the wedding, where it will be held. Generally I like to mix money with a small gift, the idea being that they have something more long-term to remember you by.

A few years ago I gave these amounts, I must admit, at times a little bit begrudgingly, having had the attitude that many have expressed that it is a “gift” and as such no expectations should be held therein. However now I see it from the other side of the fence, and realize it isn’t just about covering the cost – a huge amount of time and effort has to go in to all the planning and preparation, and you as a guest don’t have to deal with that aspect, but simply enjoy yourself. This might infuriate some of you all over again but I do think, after all that I’ve mentioned, that I would be insulted, or perhaps the better word is hurt, if one of my guests gave us a paltry gift.

It seems that some people are offended by this notion, but I think it’s a lot more tasteful, if going to the wedding or giving a gift is beyond your budget, simply not to go. All the people I’ve invited are close friends or family, no acquaintances, and to those who would have to travel long distance I was clear from the first that I in no way wanted their attendance to be a burden or problem for them. Generally though all these situations are a lot more nuanced than some are making them out to be, and people understand these nuances. For my wedding, some people will have to spend a lot of money just to be there, while others will practically be able to walk from home. It goes without saying that I, and I think most people, don’t expect the same level of contribution if simply attending the wedding is a huge cost in and of itself.

@Wow – great point. I never thought about how unfair that is to someone gay or someone who chooses to remain unmarried.

@TJ – Are you kidding?! If you choose a high-end wedding, the guests do not have to “shell out” for the filet mignon and cocktails. First off, they don’t know it’s high-end until they arrive. Secondly – It is a “gift” not a repayment of your wedding expenses. We just attended a beautiful wedding last night. I was looking on here to see if our gift was appropriate. I believe it was. We are struggling terribly right now – but wanted to attend and show our love for this young couple.

To all the beautiful bride to be’s who said they only want the company of their family and friends and do not care about $$ – God Bless You & your marriages. You are far more likely to be happy in your marriages that the greedy money-grubbing brides.

$100 minimum/ $200 as a couple. This may vary depending on relationship to the bride & groom as well as reception location. Cash is preferred in NY-metro, Northeast area and gift is more acceptable everywhere else. Bottomline- you want to cover your plate and help the newlyweds to (not make money off their wedding but) build on their nest egg, dreams, and future.

I got married 7 years ago and a $100 per guest was the norm back then and still applies in 2011. I came upon this as I was wondering what to give my good friend. I am in his wedding party and while I do not remember the exact cash amount I am grateful he came to my wedding and for his very generous gift. I plan on giving $300 for my wife and I.

It should not be about the money. It’s about the love between a couple & those that share that love with them. Give what you can but be as generous as you can. Shame on those who have blogged about being upset with gift values. You’re probably the same ones that have more debt than you should. My opinion is that it IS tacky to invite guests just for the gifts. There presence should be the present.

I bought a house last April 2010. My next door neighbor invited me to his wedding. I probably only talked to him about a dozen times because of my work schedule. I only met his future wide once. So I do not really know them at all.

I am not going to attend and am trying figure out how much I should give in a card. Help!

Wow, I am so surprised by so many of these comments. When I got married 9 years ago my parents paid for my wedding and it never occurred to me to expect guests to reimburse me. When we throw a party at our house we don’t charge people to come or expect them to bring anything. To me our wedding day was no different…we were inviting friends and family to join us for a celebration. I wanted to say “no gifts please” on our invitation, but people told me that would be tacky and that once we were married we would need the gifts (registry and cash) so I didn’t add that…now I wish I had. I am from NJ and I now live in Atlanta. My husband and I both work and make a decent living, but I think giving $400 is crazy unless maybe it’s immediate family.

If all you’re hoping to do is make enough to “make all of your money back” then maybe you shouldn’t be having such an expensive wedding. No matter where you live in this country you determine the cost of your wedding. If you only want to spend $10K on your wedding then you can do it. Maybe that means only inviting close family to a backyard affair, but so be it. If you’re spending $200K then it’s because you are c-h-o-o-s-i-n-g to have a lavish wedding. It’s disgusting, greedy and selfish that you expect your friends to pay for your extremely expensive choice.

And… I am going to a wedding this weekend for 2 of my co-workers who are getting married. This is the 2nd marriage for both of them. They are friends of mine at work, but I wouldn’t consider them super close friends. I plan to give $100 because according to most people here if I gave any less I might “insult” them. **rolling my eyes** I wouldn’t expect them to give me that much if the situation was reversed and I was the one getting married, though.

We had a very small wedding. About 40 people. Even at a restaurant without band/big cake, etc. it was about $130 a head. Liquor adds up fast. I was shocked by how many people didn’t even give a card let alone a gift. I usually give about $250.

It’s the thought. Not the amount. BUT, some kids have it harder than others. Some are already “established”. I’d like to at least give enough that I “pay my way” and then I think back to 1970 when a good wage was $100.00 to 200.00 a week. Well if you make your gift to be inflation adjusted, then $400.00 to $500.00 is not out of line. Hey, if in doubt, give what you can and have an easy concience. If you can’t afford more than a $100.00, or only $25.00 then thats fine to. Just don’t eat all the wieners at the coctail hour! (No matter how much you give!)

Give with love and you’ll do it right. Give with an eye on the profit-loss and you’ll always second guess what you did.

I am SO happy we did things the way we did for our wedding! We invited about 100 friends and family to a middle-of-nowhere golf club between our city and the town most of our friends and family live in. About a 30 minute drive from either direction. Everyone was told it was to celebrate my partner’s 50th birthday, but that there was a catered dinner, so we needed RSVPs. What they didn’t know was that they were actually there to witness our surprise wedding. Even our two witnesses didn’t know until about 10 minutes before the ceremony! The only people who knew what was going on was one friend who was our photographer, and the owners of the golf course. We wanted to be sure they were OK with a same sex wedding in their place, and they were all for it.

Why did we do this? A few reasons. #1: We thought it would be very fun and memorable. #2: We’ve been together 13 years at that point, so we really didn’t need any gifts. We even said “no gifts” for the birthday boy, but some people chose to ignore that. #3: We wanted people to just have fun, hang out, chat, have some drinks and a good meal on us. Nobody had to get dressed up, get their hair done, etc. Some of our guests even showed up a few hours early and got in a round of golf!

Some of our friends chipped in and arranged for a nice getaway weekend at an amazing Bed & Breakfast, winery tour, etc. We were blown away. It was certainly not expected. We invited these people because we love them and wanted them to share our day and witness our commitment to each other.

Having said that, we did attend a wedding a few weeks ago and it was incredible. It was a two day event. There were about 24 people in total. The first day consisted of being chauffeured on a party bus to about a dozen wineries in the Niagara area for wine tastings. The bride & groom to be provided a great lunch and sit down dinner at a nice restaurant at the end of the day. The next night was the wedding itself at a wonderful old winery. There was a 6 course gourmet meal, with a wine pairing for each course. It was spectacular. My husband and I chose to give them a cheque for $500 and a couple of other personal gifts because there was so much involved in this wonderful wedding, and they were paying for it themselves, but mostly because they are a very special couple to us.

We’re attending another wedding tomorrow for our friends’ daughter. We’ve decided on $300 for that. Even though we’re sure both sets of parents are paying for the dinner and bar, we feel this is an appropriate amount.

Over spending is what gets people into financial trouble in these modern times…….DO NOT spend what you DO NOT have……it is irresponsible behavior. If someone has a wedding they can’t afford shame on them…. How can a set amount of money be expected from all people who are in different income brackets? Should someone fall behind on their bills for a wedding gift? I single person with a guest probably can afford more than a couple with 4 children in private school. A gift is a gift.

Also…what makes people think that everyone is so excited about attending their weddings??????? You should NEVER expect more than a card……stop being so greedy….no one really wants to go to weddings….they just feel obligated. Expecting money is TACKY!

Good lord! Do you people have any CLASS? Let me get this straight.. YOU INVITE me to YOUR wedding as YOUR GUEST and I am cheap for not footing the bill for the band, food and photographer you chose? How twisted not to mention arrogant, money grubbing and gold digging are you? If you cannot afford to pay for your OWN wedding reception, then stop pretending you can and don’t have one, but do not be so low class and boorish as to demand your family and friends to pay. It is YOUR WEDDING and they are your GUESTS(meaning people you “treat”) whom are kind enough to attend your big event! Did it ever occur to you that they have given up something they would much rather do so they can be there for you and they brought you a gift with love? Do you also have them “cover their plate” when they are guests for dinner or drinks in your home? Of course not. I would be heartsick if someone I loved missed my wedding because they “couldn’t afford it” or even more upset if they went into debt for me. Do you really want your best friend to stay home from your wedding if she cannot “pay”? Are you really JUDGING your family and friends and their financial positions? Are you certain some unexpected financial crisis has not befallen them, not that it is any of your business? What right do you have to determine what they can afford or better yet, what you DESERVE as a gift? Shame on you! The definition of a gift is “a thing given willingly to someone”. The minute you expect or demand it, it no longer is a gift it is the “cost to attend” and if you are going to charge your loved ones to come to your reception at least have the guts to be honest enough to say so, sell tickets and stop calling it a gift. Without the appropriate fee, they can’t get in, is that the idea? Disgusting.
Just so you know, EVERYONE WITH even the smallest amount of MANNERS KNOWS THAT YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS BEING INCREDIBLY CHEAP and uncouth expecting your loved ones to pay for your or your child’s wedding.
So people, show the CLASS that your mother tried to teach you. Stop judging and expecting. Pay for your own wedding and then “accept what you are lovingly given and say THANK YOU.” At lesst try to be a class act.

Dear “Insulted” #33
If the wedding gifts were given to your daughter and her new husband, exactly how is it that YOU came to know the exact monetary amount that each GUEST gave to THEM? Could it be that you meddled in your daughter’s affairs and then sat in judgement of your new son-in-law’s family? Wow! What is wrong with you? Yes, I can believe that MOST people do not understand why you and your husband are insulted. Just because you and your husband DECIDED to give your daughter a nice wedding, what right do you have to demand that the guests pony up an amount of money that YOU deem appropriate as gifts? If you taught her right, perhaps your daughter and her new husband will cherish the “picture frame from the 4 adults” and the memories from her wedding for years to come. Did it occur to you that the family of 5 may have had to sacrifice greatly to give the $100 to your daughter?
When you wrote “Parents plan a beautiful wedding so hopefully their children will have a wonderful start to their life together” you really meant you gave her a nice wedding so she could “make a profit” otherwise you would not have made the comment that if they paid for the wedding themselves, they would be “in the hole”
As a mother, you should be ashamed of yourself and your money-grubbing ways and the lack of appreciation you are teaching your daughter.
If I were your son-in-law, I would move your daughter far far away from you.

I can’t believe such a wide spectrum of what is expected of the amount guests should give at a wedding. I was checking how much to give since it has been awile since I have attended a wedding. When we were married 27 years ago, I sold my prize possession, my mustang to get married so my parents wouldn’t have to pay. I never expected anything from my 125 guests, but to have a good time. It was much to my surprise that we received so much. We were able to take a honeymoon, however What I remember the most are the gifts that people took time to pick out. The anniversary clock from my brother, the bedspread from my other brother and sofa table from my sister. I attended so many weddings that year and gave all that I could, but we are the only ones still married. So my thought is, to give them something that they registered for and a little cash.

I’ll be blunt … I have both the privilege and the obligation to attend 3 weddings this year. First is my sister’s “destination” wedding aboard a cruise ship in May … she opted to spend her honeymoon with her friends and family, which I think is fantastic!! I’ve been asked to stand with the Groom at her wedding. Second is a friend from high school at a modest venue in September where I am not part of the wedding party. Third is on Black Friday for a very close friend (also from high school) who has dreamt of getting married since she left the womb … and with a bridal party of 13 on her side alone, one might imagine that she’s going quite a bit overboard with her wedding plans. I’ve been asked to stand with the Groom at her wedding as well.

Since winning the Powerball jackpot has eluded me in my 33 years, the thought of giving gifts at 3 weddings in a single year, two of which I am intimately involved in is quite daunting. For my sister, I’m leaning towards $400. This is alot for me on top of the cruise, but IT’S MY SISTER. I’ll make the sacrifice. For wedding #2, I’m thinking $150. And for the lavish #3, I’m thinking somewhere between $200 and $300 (probably $250 … and only because I’ve gotten wind of what the per-plate cost is).

So weddings are costing me $800 in gifts alone, plus destination expenses this year … not that I’ll ever see any of that back unless the laws are changed and I’m permitted to marry … but it’s not all about that (just saying). I’m of course honored to be a part of these weddings, but I’m also feeling the financial pressure. I’m a faithful Suze Orman follower and wouldn’t dare give more than I could afford for fear that she’ll show up at my doorstep and beat me over the head with $100 bills. But good lord! Hasn’t anyone heard of Las Vegas? I hear Elvis does a great wedding!

I have read all 90 comments, and I am completely blown away at the amounts and the thoughts behind them.. apparently I have been raised by cheap hillbillies, but fortuantly for me we all love each other no matter what… my son is getting married in June, to a family that is well off, I have been a little stressed about this, but after reading this, I feel that I really am not going to worry about what his siblings give… if they give $20.00 or $300.00 it will be given out of love… for some this could be their gas money for the week… should they not go and support their brother or friend because they are having financial prblems… I think not! As for the comments about this being as much as a night out, well a lot of people in this economy or young couples do not spend $100.00 pp to go out, the go to McDonald’s… so hopefully the guests that my son invited do not feel the need to have their electric turned off just to go to his wedding… my mom would have to chose between her medication and a $100 gift.. get real, tell them in the card that you wish you could have given more, but are very grateful that you were able to share with their special day… they will love you no matter what! this is crazy.. i want my son to get a nice cushion to, but not at the expense of someone else hurting… don’t have a wedding if you are expecting to have your guests pay for it! I am sure that my son would rather have his friends and family attend than not to because of the money… one more thing… in the real world most people are not that crazy about going to weddings, showers, or birthday parties because of all this crap.

Wow! How about some bride-to-be’s attach a list on their wedding invitations with the amount they are going to spend per plate,how much time and “effort” they put in to make “their” own wedding day special!

That way the guests attending have a clear idea what to expect AND what is expected of them.

That way no one is under the illusion that the wedding party is a happy celebration and not a chance to recoup the wedding costs where obviously the guests had no choice over the venue or the caterers or the colour theme!