Saturday, December 29, 2007

Wow. There are wonderful people in this world. The kind of people that everyone should strive to be. On Christmas eve the doorbell rang and the fed-ex guy was there. What on earth did I order that I forgot about. Nothing. It was a gift for us. We received flowers and I received a wonderful "spa" sleigh from a group of ladies that I have never met. How wonderful. There are not words that can express our thanks.

December 22 was 6 months. That is the magic time frame that all the literature says I should start feeling human again. I guess they missed the fact that 6 months might occur near Christmas. One of the ladies I talk to , she lost her daughter 9 years ago, said that they just skipped the holidays. We did not feel that was an option because of the grandkids. How could they understand us taking Christmas from them. So we forged ahead. With limited decor and lots of crying. The loss of the tree added to the un-joy. How could someone? The community again showed us that the "grinch" could not take away the holiday. We were blessed with offers of ornaments and trees. The news came by and did an interview for Christmas Day and friends added ornaments to the new tree.

Shopping was tough, everywhere you look there was something that you would like to get for Megan or Kendall. Funny how the strangest things can make you start crying in the middle of Target.

However, we are blessed. We have many things to be thankful for and our Children and Grandchildren are blessings. I miss the girls though. I sit in the nursery in the rocking chair where I rocked that baby girl, or I lay on Megan's bed where the pillows we made together sit. I think of the silly conversations we would have either late at night or early in the morning.

Wade gave me a beautiful necklace for Christmas, it is two hearts, one inside the other. My sister gave us two sets of windchimes with the girls names engraved, one set for the porch and one for the cemetary so they will be in both places. My students went in together and gave a day at the spa! Can you believe that? How amazing.

I won teacher of the year at our school. It was announced on Dec 21, our last day. Now I move on to the city wide competition.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Well the tree was not returned even after the paper did a story on it, wishful thinking huh? We bought a new tree and some more solar lights and ornaments and I put it out today. Jonathan brought two small heart ornaments and added them to the tree. It is pretty.

The weather is all messed up, it was 70 today, what is up with that? It was 40 a couple days ago. I am hoping for cold on Christmas Day.

I am hoping to catch up on emails and letters over my school break, I cannot seem to get anything done lately and am seldom logged on to catch up.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

It is a Girl! Shannon and Christopher are expecting a baby girl in April. Her name is Madison Renay. How wonderful!

We painted cookies last weekend. It is something we have done every year since Trisha was born. It was a tough night as last year we had talked about having a new painter this year (Kendall). But we enjoyed each other and talked about Megan and Kendall.

Kendall is 10 months old today. There is a candle lighting tonight at the funeral home, we are going. It will be emotional I know.

We put a tree at Megan and Kendall's grave, I think I told you, with solar lights and ornaments. There was a baby's first Christmas bear and glass balls and Shannon had a friend make some zebra balls. It was beautiful. I say "was" because someone STOLE it. Can you believe that? We were out there Sunday evening and sometime between then and Wednesday morning someone took it. I am so mad and hurt.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

We received 3 inches of snow on Thanksgiving Day. What a wonderful surprise. I think it saved us. I have no idea what the day would have been like if we sat inside and just thought. Instead, we had a snowball fight at 11 am and again at 3. I am telling you that I was so sore the next day, that was a workout, but it was a life saver. In my heart I feel like Megan sent the snow for me, silly huh? We made snow ice cream and built a snowman and talked about the last snow when Megan and I were home alone. We made snow angels that day and had a blast outside throwing snow at one another.

The boys loved it, even little Caden held a snowball and ran around. It was a magical time outside.

December is here and already things are tough. Funny how "normal" things make you cry. I went to buy Christmas cards, I do every year, and it was tough because I did not agree with any of the ones that said joy, happy, etc....

We got a new roof. We had a big leak in the kitchen and the roofer said to call the insurance and sure enough they paid to replace the entire roof. It looks nice. Now the workers will be here tomorrow to start on the inside. It will look like a new kitchen and laundry room when we are done. We were going to paint the kitchen this summer, and Megan and I had been talking colors and themes already so we are going with her idea. The walls will be a navy type blue and the color theme will be browns and blues. I really think it will look neat.

Thank you all for the continued support. The calls, emails, letters and cards keep us going. The love and support are unbelieveable. I hope one day I can help someone as much as you all have helped me.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

I am here, have not fallen off the world, although it felt like that the last few weeks. I cannot even begin to explain why suddenly life was so hard. It was all I could do to get myself out of bed in the morning. Everything was left undone. Nothing seemed to help and I was lost for awhile, I am finding my way back now. What I would do without friends and family who are always here for me I can't even begin to imagine. The holidays are going to be hard, I already wonder how we will survive.

On a brighter note, my daughter-in-law will have her sonogram on December 6th to discover if we will welcome a boy or a girl to our lives. I am going to take the day off and go with her. I am so excited. Then I am going shopping for that baby. I love those babies.

The weather here is still so warm, I am ready for the chilly days that make fall seem real.I bought a small tree to put by Megan and Kendall's headstone. It is pink. :) I think we will "adopt" a baby girl for the giving tree this year. (the Salvation Army sponsors this).

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Kendall is 8 months old today. How I miss holding that baby girl. It has been 16 weeks since the accident and I still walk down the hall and look in Megan's room to see if she is there. Crazy huh?

Where does the week go? I am not as organized as I used to be so things take me longer. I guess that might be why I don't have the extra time I had before. I don't get to the computer everyday and when I do I often just have a minute to check email. We both do more things that keep us out of the house, I suppose that is a defense mechanism from our sub-conscious. Who knows? Anyway, so much for my goal of posting more often.

I am going for a mammogram this morning. It is a fun way to start the day.

My daughter and daughter - in- law took the boys to the pumpkin patch this week. It has been a yearly event since Jonathan was 2. They have so much fun and came over afterwards just bubbling with excitement about what they did there. I love them all so very much. Trek is 4 and he still does not really understand about the girls so he bought baby Kendall a "wittle" pumpkin too. He does not want her to be left out.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Wow it has been a fast week. It was the end of the 6 weeks at school so grades and reports kept me busy.

Jonathan ( my oldest grandson) lost his first tooth. He was so excited that the toothfairy came to see him. How cute they are and how fast they grow up. We keep the boys each Thursday evening so that their parents can have a date night. It is only long enough for dinner out, but I can remember how those days were and an hour or two alone is wonderful.

We are talking about Megan's birthday. It is not until June, but she would have been 21 so we want to do something special. She loved going to the beach, so I think we might spend her birthday there with the family. I know it will be a hard time.

Today I get to clean house, do laundry, pay bills and all that fun stuff that seems to go on and on. I really love my house when it is all clean.

Not much to say, nothing has really changed, just making it day to day. Which is an improvement from making it minute to minute. So that is a good thing.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Wow I have not been on the computer in a while. Went to the doctor on the 18th and he prescribed some medication for me. The headaches are gone now. My head was hurting constantly and I was feeling nausea often. He said that my body was still feeling like it was in danger and could not help itself. I guess he was right, because I do feel better physically. This is a good thing. I also got my last rabies shot. Yippiee.

I took the boys to the fair yesterday. It is a yearly tradition since Jonathan turned one. Nana and the boys go play the games and ride the rides. I will have to post some photos. I thought about the fact that Megan and I had talked about taking Kendall this year.

My online friends are wonderful. They remind me often that I am thought of even though I have not been around for a couple weeks. I have a goal to post or visit the boards at least everyother day now. I think that getting back to some usual things will help. Next I really want to scrap. I did clean off my table that I have just been stacking things on, so now I just have to get started. I guess I am not sure what is going to happen, will I be able to remember and enjoy, or will I fall apart?

We have been invited to the airshow today with some old friends. I have never been, but I guess we are going to try it.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

When I went to the doctor today we had a long talk. At least I feel like what I am going through is "normal" if there is such a thing as normal anymore. The headaches, nausea and the inability to sleep should start to go away within 6 months, but they are normal. I was really starting to think I was falling apart!

So we will continue, one day at a time.

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future.AnonymousA wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976,

We went and had lunch with the girls on Sunday. Their headstone is rusting. There is rust coming out from around the flowers and stuff. When I went to talk to them yesterday they said there must have been a mistake made in the manufacturing process, a step left out or something with the final seal. ?? Anyway they are ordering a new one. Makes me sad.

Today is my son's third wedding anniversary. Each year for the kids I google what the gift should be, the traditional/modern gift for each year, and then shop for something that matches that. Last year was cotton, this year was glass or leather.

I don't have much to chat about, a friend mentioned that maybe it is because nothing really seems important anymore. She may be right. Love you girls.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Today is many things. I have been married for 27 years today. How wonderful it is that I have him. That makes this a good day.

Today Kendall would be 7 months old. She would be starting to crawl and have even more personality. That makes this a bad day.

Tomorrow will be 12 weeks. I talked to an old friend the other day. She lost her son a few years ago. She told me that when I make the 1 year mark it will feel like a victory. I have a long way to go.

I thank God everyday for all those who continue to pray for us. The ones who call just to say "hey I was thinking of you", those that ask "how is today" all the while understanding that it may lead to a lengthy babble, we are so fortunate to have so very many people who are keeping us going.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Trisha called and Trek ( he is 4) was reading a book and somehow turned the page in his eye? How could he do that? Anyway it scratched all the way across. The doctor gave him some goop for his eye, an eye patch and tylenol with codeine (sp?) for the pain. Yikes!! Poor kid.

This is him, isn't he a cutie?

Eleven weeks. Sounds like a long time. And yet sometimes it seems like yesterday. I thought I heard Kendall crying last night. When I woke up it took me a few seconds to realize I couldn't have.

My brain still does not function like it should, I can't remember things and I have a hard time focusing, my mind wanders alot. And sometimes it is not even that I am thinking of the girls, I just phase out.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Yesterday was a bad day so I went to see the girls last night, took a blanket and just sat out there and talked to them for about an hour. Cried my eyes out and then was able to come home and deal with life. I have no idea what makes some days worse than others.

It was good to visit with my sister and her girls this past weekend. We had a good time, and they are okay with talking about the girls so I don't have to be careful what I say. I still talk about them like they are in the next room sometimes.

As usual the first couple weeks of school have left me exhausted, as they do all teachers. Somehow it is always tough to get back into a routine that gets everything done.

I have a hard time coming home in the afternoons as Megan was always here waiting on me and then Her and Kendall were both here. I would arrive home and give Megan a break from the all day baby workout new moms get. Now I dread coming into an empty house.

I just want to scream to the world that life is Not Fair. I try to realize that many folks already know that as well as I do. I am still seriously considering buying some cheap dishes just so I can go break them. Do you think that is wasteful?

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Well I made it through my birthday and today is Wade's. It is hard to think about the fact that the girls are not here. My kids surprised us last night with a night in the country at a place to shoot clay disks. It was good for stress, that is for sure. They of course kept it a complete secret as usual. They are very good at things like that. I know that Megan would have loved it, the secret and the shooting. She always loved to surprise us.

Megan's friends have kept me in the loop also. They brought me cards and Tonya made me a wonderful serving tray with Megan and Kendall on it. She is so sweet.

School has been keeping me occupied during the day, but when 4 comes around I find that I don't want to come home. The house is empty.

Still waiting for them to install the headstone at the cemetary. The vase did not arrive with it so they are waiting still I think.

I still feel like I am going nuts, doesn't seem that I can talk about that to anybody really. It doesn't even make sense to me.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Wow, that was one crazy week. Besides having inservice each day from 8 to 4, I had to skip out to do some other stuff too.

Monday I had to go to the next town and pick up the rabies vaccine from their health department as the health department here did not have it. Then the shots began. Nine shots the first day. The reason they hurt is that they have to be intra-muscular, so they have to go in deep. I was a bit sore. Got the second vaccine on Thursday, but it was just one shot in the arm. Next day is going to be on Monday. I am telling you it is so much fun.

Tuesday we went to court for the probate. The judge was so nice and patient. I still am not sure I understand all the ins and outs of the legal mumbo jumbo, but I have a wonderful attorney taking care of us.

Wednesday was two months. A tough day. They called after lunch to tell us the marker was in. So I left work and met Dh and son out there to look at it. It is beautiful, they did a great job on our special instructions. For the marker to come in on the 22nd, makes you think.

Thursday evening we watched the youngest grandsons so my daughter and her hubby could take the oldest to meet the teacher night. He is so excited to begin first grade! Then we kept them all so they could have their date night, after they left about 10 I got busy on Caden's first birthday cake. I make each one of the grandkids a small bear that they can demolish. So we went to bed late!

Friday was another long day. We had meetings and then after school a get together for the teachers, from there I went to Chuckie Cheese for the birthday party. It was a lot of fun. I feel asleep on the couch about 10 last night, guess I was tired.

Today we begin helping my son and his wife pack up to move, they are supposed to be out of their house by Sunday night.

A friend gave me a book by Elizabeth Edwards to read. She lost a son in a car accident and a quote in her book makes sense to me and helps me make sense of how I feel sometimes. She said that whatever happens to her it she knows she can make it because she has already had the worst day of her life. I agree, I have already been through the worst day of my life, so everything else is small potatos.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Well, it appears that I will be starting rabies shots tomorrow. Since I was bitten by a stray cat on the 14th and there has been no luck at finding it, the doctor says we need to get started. Sounds like tons of fun.

School inservice is going well, we have been getting alot done in prep for the new year.

Lots of rain the last couple days. Made the grass grow again. All the rain we have had has been so wonderful for the yards and parks. Everything is green.

It has been 8 weeks now, I still re-live the moment many times a day, like a movie playing in my head. I still feel like I go through my day pretending. I miss them so very much. Sometimes I feel them here, sometimes I hear them, sometimes I think I am nuts.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

We went out to the salvage yard today to see what if anything was in Megan's car. We got her sunglasses and a few other items. The lady was so very nice there. They have her car sealed up with plastic so they had to cut it off and will put it back on again.

Inservice is starting back up so my days have been busy, it helps to keep my mind occupied. Yesterday was a hard day since Kendall would have been 6 months old. What a special age. I called to check on the girl's marker, seems it will still be a while longer before it is shipped.

Trisha and her family have been ill with a stomach virus so I have not seen the boys since Friday. I miss them. Tyler came over for a while yesterday and played, he is growing up so fast.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Yesterday was a Worse day. Why? I have no idea. However, when my son called last night he said it was a Worse day too. I could not explain why it was worse, it just was. This morning I still don't think life is great, but at least I can manage.

Another bill came on Tuesday, we are still expecting more, and the insurance is still progressing. Sometimes I want all this paperwork stuff to be done so I don't have to wonder who is calling or what will be in the mail.

I do try to enjoy stuff. The boys spent the night on Tuesday. I took them home about noon yesterday. We stayed up late, and had pancakes for breakfast. They wanted a chance to spend the night before school starts, and we are running outta days.

Here is the first photo of us with all five grandbabies. How wonderful!

And her is Kendall Madison on her first horseback ride. Of course that is Mommy making sure she stays safe.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

I can't believe it has been 6 weeks. I also can't believe that instead of getting easier things are harder.

Megan and Kendall's marker is scheduled to ship on August 10th. I have no idea how long it will actually take to get here.

It rained again yesterday, I cannot remember the last time we had so much rain. Everything is green though. Megan and I would sit on the front porch and watch the rain. If it was chilly we would wrap up in blankets on the bench.

I talked to the mailman the other day. He is so nice, he said that he often talked to Megan and he could not believe that he had just stood on the porch and visited with her on Thursday and then on Friday when he brought the mail he was told she was gone. He had tears in his eyes, he is a very nice man. It just reminds me how wonderful Megan was, she was kind to everyone and always shared her smile. Kendall was so sweet, when you walked into the room she was smiling at you.

This is a photo of Megan and Kendall in the nursery. I painted the circles all over the wall to match her bedding.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Hi all, We left town for a few days. Everyone kept telling us to just get away and I did feel like if I did not get out of the house I was going to be bonkers, so we left. We talked, we ate, we cried, and I have no clue if it helped at all. Nothing seems real.

I did meet with the DOT, thanks Geri for the encouragment. It is like hitting a brick wall, but we are plugging along. I have a call into the state rep and will see about going from there. The DOT says that it looks at $$$ to decide. I am trying to understand both sides.

I have to say when I arrived home last night I had a package. What a wonderful package. In this package is a mini scrapbook with cards, poems and well wishes from some very wonderful ladies. I can see myself reading it often and finding words to get me through the days. I was thinking last night if these ladies I hardly know are this wonderful to a near stranger how lucky those close to them must be. Words cannot express how much this gift has touched both of us.

This is Megan at her 20th birthday party on June 9th. Her friends threw her a swimming party complete with sombreros. She could not quit talking about how much fun they had. It is a happy memory for me.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Today was one month. Some moments it seems like yesterday. We had everyone over this evening and Wade made one of Megan's favorite meals. He makes wonderful chinese style food and Megan would always call her friends to come over and eat with us.

It was a tough day. We stayed busy, or tried too, and we talked about the girls. People called and brought over cards, it was a day to remember.

We have a meeting with the department of transportation on Tuesday. I was told they said it is not cost effective to make trucks stop at the intersection and we are proposing that they put up at least a four way stop there. People we don't even know have suggested putting up stop lights. It will be an interesting meeting.

Megan and Kendall are everywhere I look. They are always with me. I know they are. I am hoping that I can live a life that Megan would be proud of.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that I take photos all the time. Megan and Kendall, 3 days old.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Holy cow I miss the girls. Seems like everything I do reminds me of them. They were so much a part of my life.

Picked more tomatos last night. Those bushes are so full that they sag to the ground. Sent another dozen home with Grandpa and Wade took a bag to work today. All the rain I guess has them producing tons this year. Some black-eye peas are already ready too. Megan would eat those tomatos off the bush so there are happy memories out there too.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

It is a small world. It is amazing how many people you meet that already know someone you know. On top of that it is wonderful how amazing people are. My internet scrapbooking buddies from years ago and from recent times have sent me messages, cards and emails. Each one helps just a little bit more. A man told me today, "I don't know what to say or do to help you.", I told him that he just did, each "I'm sorry", each card, plant, visit etc lets us know that we are not alone and in some way each one helps.

Went to the eye doctor today, he says bifocals! Yikes, we are trying bifocal contact lenses. He says that they only work for about 30% of people so I have my fingers crossed.

I went and bought the Magic CD today. Megan had been waiting for it's release. It is by a new singer and she had marked on her calendar when to go buy it, so I did. We played that song at her service.

Only a month til I have to be back at school. Wonder what will happen when I have to be somewhere everyday.?

Yesterday I went by Taco Villa and got some lunch and went out and ate at the cemetary. I just sat there and talked to Megan and Kendall like they were there.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Sometimes it seems I think about the wierdest things. Megan's car payment would be due today. She loved that car. It was her bling she said.

Rachel and her mom came by yesterday. They brought the most beautiful glass angel for us. It is called a comfort angel.

We went yesterday and bought a gas powered weed eater so we could go out on the highway and cut the weeds by the crosses for the girls. It was the first time I have been to the scene. The weeds were taller than the crosses.

Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel like I am supposed to act like everything is okay, does that make any sense? But it is not okay, I am not sure anything will ever be okay again. There is a physical pain in my chest, I suppose the shock has worn off and now I have to deal with reality.

Here is a favorite photo. Kendall meeting her cousins. I have so many blessings.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Today Kendall would be 5 months old. I should be taking her next bear picture. It is a hard day.

We are keeping Tyler for the weekend. His parents are in a wedding out of town, they have had it planned for a year.

Jonathan made me the most wonderful drawing last night. It is in two parts that he taped together. The top part is about a foot about the bottom and it is a drawing of two angels. The bottom part is our house and I am standing beside it with him. He said that he knows how much I miss Megan and Kendall so he made me the picture. How sweet.

I was looking at photos today from the last year. Here is a cute one of Megan and Tyler on Halloween.I miss you both so much. I love you.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Do you think I will ever wake and not feel like I am hit with a cement block? I mean I know I will always remember, never forget, but will there come a time that it does not hit me like that everytime I wake up? I asked Wade that this morning when we woke up, he understands exactly what I am saying, but he doesn't know the answer either.

I am so lucky to have him. He is there for me no matter what. Yesterday as I left the bank I lost it. I have no idea what triggered it, but I was just crying like crazy. I sat in the car and called him, told him I needed to just talk. He was ready to come get me, but I told him I just needed to talk and settle down. I hope I am a help to him too.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Today is a good day. I have been looking at photos of Meg and Kendall. How much joy they brought to us. There are so many good things to think about.

Shannon made me a wonderful shadow box with a photo and the quote from Megan. It is so beautiful. What a wonderful family I have. I am blessed.

Here is the quote:

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who dont& believe that everything happens for a reason.If you get a chance, take it, if it changes your life, let it.Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it!

Thursday, July 5, 2007

We went to my son's in-laws house last night for dinner and to watch fireworks. Each family bought some fireworks so our "display" lasted for nearly two hours. Some small and quite a few large ones. I tried to take some photos, will have to see how they came out.

There was a baby girl there, a couple months old, and after dark she started crying and Trek (he is 4) came running down the road yelling, "Kendall, Kendall is here!". Broke my heart.

Not much else to say today, not a good day. Guess I will have to work on that.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Well I did it. I got my tattoo. It is two hearts, one a bit smaller than the other one, overlapped. I tried to take a photo, but it comes out really dark, might have to try taking one outside. And yes it did hurt. The outline not so much, but when he was "coloring" them in, Ouch. Of course I am a big baby too.

More flowers were delivered yesterday. How wonderful everyone is. Megan and Kendall received around 200 plants and flower arrangements. How wonderful is that?!

Yesterday afternoon I had a thought, I am going to make it. I know that sounds funny, but I don't think I was sure before that.

Took care of more insurance stuff yesterday. They are being so wonderful and patient with me. I am sure they have had to explain stuff ten times.

We talk about Megan and Kendall daily, I miss them so much. When I stand in the nursery I have such happy thoughts. I found Megan's jacket that she wore a couple weeks ago. It smells like her.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

So here is my first post. Who knows what I might have to say or how often I might say it. I know that I relive that day hundreds of times each waking moment. People tell me that I should take one day at a time, actually it is one minute at a time. How can this be real?

Everyone has been wonderful. The outpouring of love from everyone we know and even some we don't has been wonderful. Megan and Kendall touched so very many lives. Megan was beautiful inside and out. She was always kind to anyone she met.

I am going to call the tattoo man today. I am going to have a tattoo in memory of Megan and Kendall. It is my first and yes I am scared it will hurt. Her circle of friends are going to have one done too.

My Angels

About Me

I am a Wife,Mom and Nana. That is who I am plain and simple. I love to scrapbook and read. I teach math to some very wonderful students who have touched my life in many ways. I started this blog so I could babble in order to heal. My world stopped on June 22nd when my beautiful daughter and granddaughter were killed in a horrific accident.