oh, has anyone applied for medicaid? i think i'll need to now. is it difficult? or do they give a hard time in applying for it like SSI disability? going to find out about getting the papers this week.

i'm very grateful for your support ducky! my primary md is great...an old pro, plus he generally likes me we have a few laughs at visits and he's glad i chose the medical profession (it would help if i could actually practice!). looking forward to tomorrow, i've a job interview for a nurse educator...very light work probably only 1 or 2 days a week for now which is fine i can probably manage that. this week was a nightmare and just can't wait to be with my honey and watch the kentucky derby saturday! that's what's getting me through this day...knowing i have a nice weekend. when does your husband get back? have a goodnight! thank you again for your help. erin

Erin - before I forget, read the Gonna Be Lonely For A Few Days posts if you haven't already.... I think you would get a kick out of it... plus that is where I talked about my daughter's mouse... so you'll know the whole story. Good luck tomorrow, you'll have to let us know how it all goes...I'm sure you'll get it, they'd be silly not to want to hire you. I'm still struggling through this week... hopefully my hubby will be home early next week... I can only hope and pray... I can't stand it when he is gone... This weekend I am taking my kids to my squadron picnic and then cleaning the house in hopes my hubby will be home... Look out, I've got a wild and wicked weekend planned! Ducky's cuttin' loose! I'm glad you've got something positive to look forward too... Happy Weather, Warm Hugs and as always - Best Wishes- Ducky

having coffee with my kitty ( Pea) this early early morning! sun is just about to pop up. hurting badly in my feet and knees ouch! it would be so nice to go about today as someone without joint problems. but, excited about meeting my hopefully new employer! they're about 50 min south of where i live, don't have a car so i have to train it. ok though, i was by nature a subway baby anyways....so i don't mind. gives me time to put some music on and enjoy the blooms on the ride down. i wish all a very happy morning with good energy!

Good luck, Erin! 50 minutes is a long drive, taking the train is probably much better for you. I had a contract job I had to drive that plus traffic for a while and it really wears on you FAST.

The untreated lyme disease can wreak havoc on you. That is an awful story. I'm sorry to hear all this.

Have fun with your kids this weekend Ducky! I hope you never have to go through that eye cleaning process - yuck! and scary!

To answer your earlier questions:

Yes, I can dole out the advise better than I can take it sometimes. Especially when depression hits me so hard, and then I feel GUILTY about being so uncontrollably depressed. I know, I'm a little crazy.

I mentioned marraige counseling to my husband. He said no. When this started 10 years ago, every doctor had no answer. There was never this "OH, so THIS is your problem....bring your husband in and let's discuss this." So, he never got the low down on what is going on and now he might listen to me, but it goes in one ear and out the other since he's heard too many, "this is what the doctor said...." that was changed by the next appointment. TO make matters worse, my pride kept me from doing the right thing, probably. I kept telling myself, 'I'll get better. I can DO this...etc." then, I'd end up back where I was before my efforts ever got me very far.

He thinks I should just "snap out of it" "get up and push yourself" or "get over what ever weird, mental, thing" when I feel a certain way he doesn't understand or like, and when I ask for extra help either from him or hiring someone it's "no, that is your job" or "no, you don't NEED help, you just WANT it." He thinks I'm fat and lazy and could do more than I can. Part of the problem I'm guessing is I should have been put on antidepressents, soon after I had my son. Now with the liver problems, I need to limit anything I take.

My husband no longer loves me. He has said so. He hasn't left because of the children. I do still love him. I think the butt of his problem is intamacy - I was physically and mentally unable to hold up my end of the marital relations bargin for a long time and he took it as a personal attack that I did not care about him. (I'm pretty positive he is not cheating on me, thankfully.) Over time he detached himself to me and (from my perspective) has this "You owe me!" attitude and despite my efforts to rekindle our relationship, he has kept me at arms length.

Hi there CaMama. you'll be in my prayers for i know your pain you must be going through. why is it that men in particular just don't grasp illness ? (not all men of course but the specific type we're talking of now) or the process of it ? my father is 60 and he was one of those who never should have gotten married in the first place nevermind have children! he had always always walked away from anything dealing with sick kids or anything like that....would be in the bar all nite while my mom would be calling from the ER. even 20 years later...just last month he said "so when are you gonna stop being sick?" and a " can't the dr just give you something" even my mother says that he never wants to hear or talk about anything that needs to be addressed. it does make you feel guilty! i get depressed because of some a**hole? yea ok i'm making this all up! we would give anything if there were a switch we can just flick and all of this would be over. perhaps if he lived a week in your shoes he would see things differently. my mom just said as we were just talking about this...he wanted no part of it at all...like not wanting to face reality...not wanting to take responsibility. still to this day she can't figure out his behavior. being mentally and emotionally abused is just as bad as physical. i don't understand and it's unfortunate that we must be around people like this at times in our life. if this queston is too personal i won't be offended by no response, but does he drink or have an alcohol problem? i won't pry anymore, but you remind me of my mom and she's my best friend and it stinks that good women put up with this sort of behavior for decades. so i just came in from my interview, it went splendidly. i'm proud of myself that i got there and back! it's hard commuting, but i do enjoy it. i'll just start with 2 days a week and see how i tolerate it. they are very arthritis and disability friendly. with my nursing degree, i know i will not be able to work 40 hours a week like the rest of my graduating class, so this will be very suitable for now and it provides great opportunities to climb the ladder of higher positions. very pleased.so Mama, it seems as if you are the one trying to reach out to him and mend and work things...it would be nice if he did the same, but we can't change people, it's up to him to mature in that area if it ever happens. you hang in there. i think you're a good person. talk to you soon. erin

Erin, I hope that you get the job! 2 days a week, and taking the train, will hopefully be okay for you. I think long as you have the opportunity to keep your hours part time, you should keep it that way.

It's probably for the best for your health.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Though if he had not gotten married and had a family YOU would not be here and I believe we all have a purpose being here - even if it is just to help one person while we are here. I have choice...if things get bad enough, I will have to muster the strength to move on, but I still love him and will wait it out and hope. But, when you are a young girl growing up, you can't just hire a new daddy. As for your question, my husband doesn't drink in the manner you are asking. He is actually a good guy and an awesome father. However, like most people, he can be a jerk. His way of thinking is so black and white sometimes, it is frustrating for me when I was doing well (as well as his need to ALWAYS be right). Now time and emotion and everthing else is mixed in the picture. Things have been good between us for the most part for a while (it hasn't in the past and that's when I'm ready to throw the towel in), excpet it's like we're friends, not a couple - like I said, he keeps me at arms length. Time will tell how this will turn out.

oh, i did get the job! just tuesdays and thursdays for now. it's nothing at all like the hospital unit work i used to do where i would come home, collapse and take 4 days to recover from it! it's great that yourhusband has many wonderful qualities about him, i understand what you mean by not feeling like a couple though. you're in the right state of mind regarding the whole thing....it would be worse i suppose to be in denial. i start officially next tuesday! i'll have to make sure i have all my stuff set out the nite before so i don't get too exhausted during the day. ugghh, like tomorrow, i have to be in belleville by 7 am to do psych rotations. have to be up by 445 and out the door by 6am. will keep trucking on! take care! erin

CaMama - are you sure your husband doesn't love you? Just 'cause he said it, doesn't mean that it's true... I'm sure there are still feelings there, but for whatever reason, there are too many bad ones on top of the love and he's having a hard time seeing the love... Only staying together for the kids isn't the way to go either... I am divorced from my kids father... I tried for 2 years to stay in a marriage 'cause I didn't want to hurt my kids... and like you I didn't want my kids to grow up without their daddy... but then I came to realize that if I'm not happy, my kids won't be either... 'cause eventually they will catch on and they will see the tension and feel the tension... it's not healthy for anyone... I'm not trying to persuade you to do one or the other, but please don't think you are doing your kids any justice by staying in a household that is unhappy... Don't get me wrong, it is hard... it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do... but now, my kids are very happy and very well adjusted to everything... my ex-husband has recently remarried and my kids think it is so cool that their family is HUGE now! Between step parents and step grandparents... I wish you all the strength in the world mentally as well as physically, you'll need it no matter what path you wish to take... My thoughts are forever with you...

Erin - CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I knew you'd get the job! That is so cool that they understand your situation too! With the train ride, you will be able to whind down from your day before you go home to your honey and kitties... Best of luck to you in the new chapter to your life! Gotta check on the other posts... Happy Weather, Warm Hugs and as always - Best Wishes - Ducky

Hi everyone. Camama, are you a christian or religious in anyway? Not trying to pry but as I read your posts I am thinking about a book that my pastor gave me to read called "Love must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. He runs an organization called "Focus on the Family" The book was written in the early 80's but I am getting so much out of it. I helps to put perspective in hte marriage. It is not designed as a "couple" book but as an "individual" book. In the intro he states that this is not a book to read as a couple but as one individual not seen by the other. It gives illustrations on what we do when we feel our spouse drawing away from us and how our response can sometimes drive them further. It can also be used in the workplace setting as he deals with all relationships not just the marriage one. Tough reading but for me it is well worth it. I am not saying that this book will solve your problems but if you can find it, it can't hurt either.Erin, CONGRATULATIONS, knew you could do it. Hopefully this gets your foot in the door to your dream job. Let us know how it goes. I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I will be praying for you form strength. You are a very special person and you deserve the best. Keep up the great work.Warm hugs for everyone.Oreo

Worry not for tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself.

Remember healing comes one step at a time, sometimes it seems that its one forward and 2 back but ultimately, always in a forward direction!!!

waiting for my bloodwork results, they were nice enough to mail them, so tomorrow i'll have them. thin envelope good, thick one bad because that means doc sent a note. still can't gain weight at 98 so far. but at least my spine does not hurt when i lay down nor my bones too bad . had troubled my honey saturday nite with a tremendous AS back spasm lasting 15 minutes...almost had to take a trip to the ER. but it passed. he was great, he takes it all on with me....a bit much to handle but he does a wonderful job with supporting me through tough times.

can't wait for summer time! where is it? did some therapeutic shopping! aahhh, nurishment for the soul! i had to...all my clothes hung like a bag lady. problem is...sizes. i have no shape...so nothing fits right, still hangs on my hip bones....but the clothes are pretty and it was a good pick me up! as superficial as it may sound. hey, whatever works that day right? hope all is well with everyone! have a peaceful night.

What rotten news, I just cannot fathom a parent being so distant and uncaring. Erin, we're proud of you, and I know that is not the same thing and doesnt' get you medical coverage, you ARE amazing and congratulations on the graudation, new job, and everything else you've succeeding in doing! You are one strong woman and should be proud of all that you have accomplished while fighting your health!

Don't feel guilty about buying some clothes. When I've gone through my periods of being sick, everyone tells me, "get a haircut, dress nice, put on a little make up....even if you aren't going anywhere - it'll perk you up." A for your dad, you don't want everyone's trip to be ruined, so let's hope he just eats some bad food right away and can't enjoy his trip! :)

Oreo and Ducky - I'll look in to that book, Oreo, thanks. Ducky I agree, I have had days where I've said, "this is not healthy for the kids." However, I think I've made a little progress in patching things up....so, we'll see how it goes, it could be temporary. It's taken me months to get to this point, he has a lot of anger and frustration after years of my health issues and just not understanding. Thank you for your support, I appreciate it.

Erin and camama, just wanted to post and let you know that I am thinking and praying for you. You guys are amazing to go through what you are and still be able to face life. Keep it up. You guys are a great addition to the forum. Oreo

Worry not for tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself.

Remember healing comes one step at a time, sometimes it seems that its one forward and 2 back but ultimately, always in a forward direction!!!

oh yea, definitely am going to complain @ next rheumy visit. i'm physically WORSE than when i started aggressive treatment. and i mad about it! see him in june....but going to make it sooner...now it's progressed into my upper spine and neck and shoulders...plus MAJOR leg/joint pain where i'm walking terribly. really think i need an adjunct to enbrel besides just darvocet and diazepam & lidoderm.

it's amazing what a little TLC can do. had a fabulous weekend with my honey! although i could not walk well...or too long as well.....i hobbled around the house outside with him for 15 minutes. a short walk...but he loved to walk long whiles with me in the past, so it made him happy that i got to do a little. SMILED THROUGH THE PAIN. did a lot of grilling and cooking and eating! and drinking!!! a very HEDONISTIC weekend....but we needed it! still not gaining weight at 96 pounds. but am having a jolly good time having steak and potatoes and cake and icecream and wine and bread!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. never used to eat like this...was mainly vegetarian, but had to change my ways since ill.

my new place of work is super nice i enjoy it...getting ready to go soon....takes about an hour to get there. it's better than working in the hospital.....have more time to sit and go slower for now! hope to go back to unit work in the future! Ducky....how are you? hubby home yet? how's the hairdo? hope you are keeping up the anti-Sasquatch maintanace! (i've also been very good!)

my honey's horse ran very well sunday! he was downgraded a race.....wasn't doing well running against higher class horses, but he came 2nd place this sunday! I WAS SOOOO HAPPY! made me cry.....he came all the way from the back to take 2nd in a 6 furlong race. he's such a nice horse....likes his eye scratched and nose rubbed...makes me feel good to pet em' like he nows i don't feel well...so sweet!

Erin, forgot to mention in my other post about Canada. Our country is as diverse as yours for geography. I think we tend to put a little more emphasis on "green space" then you do but I am sure that like here it differs from city to city. In Southern Ontario they are trying to keep urban sprawl in check so they are giving incentives to rebuild and move people into the "cores" of cities. Toronto (our Capital) is like Detroit. Not a big as NYC, it has only about 3 Million people, but similar in look I guess. Detroit is a similar size but much more dirty. We don't have the "slum" areas the same as some of the major US cities. Garbage is kept to a minimum on the streets but we do have the violence and gang wars that the major US cities deal with. I like it up here even with the childish antics that are going on in our goverment right now. I live in a smaller city (only about 200,000 people) THere is lots of greenspace and walking trails. We have a river that runs through the side of the city so lots of park land. The house lots are pretty big too. Most in my neighbourhood are 30x140. Nice size. My backyard is 26x75ft. I love all the grass and lots of place to plant gardens. It is a new subdivision so I am really just getting started on the gardens. This weekend after hubby gets back from the cottage we are going to start our deck. It will be nice to have. This weekend the the Victoria Day weekend to a long weekend for most of the workforce. Monday is the holiday. REally it is an excuse to go camping and drink. WE usually have fireworks too. Do you guys celebrate this weekend as the start of the camping/BBQ/party season? Annuals (flowers) can also officially go in as the May 24 is considered the last chance of a killing frost in my area. Can't wait.Hope all is well. Gentle hugs for you. ((((ERIN))))Oreo

Worry not for tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself.

Remember healing comes one step at a time, sometimes it seems that its one forward and 2 back but ultimately, always in a forward direction!!!

Hi Oreo,oh Canada! how wonderful. we've alot of garbage here! LOL! it's everywhere, no escaping. i'm right in the cancer capital. got the stink blowing from Staten Island, Elizabeth, Newark, and Manhattan all sides surrounded! Memorial Day weekend is the officially start of Summer...may 29th i think this year?the rest of USA is quite grand, but not near me. Hoboken is nice, 5 minutes away....Frank Sinatra grew up there.have a happy dayerin

where the heck is the sumer time? i'm freezin my tush off. gonna be 60 and drizzly all weekend

Preakness tomorrow! hope the horses run well.

so i'm gathering all my things for SSI next week. my pcp office called and asked what i needed. their giving me all of the office notes from 2003 to present and a doctors letter to ssi.

my new position is exhausting me. saturday, tuesday and thursday is too much. monday, wed and friday i'm in bed all day. lucky to brush my teeth! it's no quality of life; i'm disappointed i spent all of this energy with medication and all and there has been no significant improvement. i just hope they see at ssi that i cannot support myself at this time.

going to see if i can only go in on a tuesday now. am leaving saturdays soon too.

oh how i'de love to be in california. hey, you've got Arnold over there! lucky. what do people think of the Governor? i always had liked him.trying to get my butt in gear today. very sore. it's been damp and raining ; maybe some good weather next week. will be 68 if lucky next week. Yuck!have a good saturday!erin

Yup, we've got the "governator" as everyone calls him. So far, he's been doing a pretty good job. However, the honeymoon period is over and now you hear the con side of his support a lot. Time will tell.

Kids finishing school now are getting their diplomas signed by him. I think that sounds so funny!