Dane knows child music talent like no other. He can spot a success upon first glance; it doesn't take him long to undress the childish facade they put up so he can see the enormous potential throbbing within them. He's a real audiophile, too-- his taste and knowledge of music makes him well-known around the neighborhood. I have no idea if he still owns all of his records, tapes, 8-tracks, and CDs, or if he's gone completely digital, but I understand it's quite a secret collection. It's probably enough to fill up a rather large utility van.

He told me once that he lives just a few houses away from Marina Sirtis. That is really fucking cool as crap, and I'll totally admit that I'm jealous. However, while Dane's cool and all, I feel really bad for Marina. Every time he needs to go over to her house to borrow a cup of sugar, she must get overwhelmed from sensing the enormous douchebag energy approaching her doorstep. Then again, I guess that scenario would never happen. Dane is a very independent and self-determined individual, and he takes care of himself pretty well. If you suggested to him that he might be able to save that creme broulee if he just sought out some help from Marina, he would probably ignore it and try to fix the dessert himself.

I just had to put him on the list when he returned recently from his 78th leave of absence from Chiefs Planet. Not only is he one of the most successful posters, but he's also probably one of like, three people on here who have already won the game of life. And his big forum personality matches that quality about him, more than you can say for the guy who invented Dropbox, who rarely ever posts here, and BigRedChief, who probably loves relaxing at home to quality programming on CBS after a long day of kicking people in the balls at the United Nations.

Just be sure to get your snuggle time in while you can. Frosty the Snow Dane will eventually melt down again, but don't worry kids. He'll be back again some day.

11. Pestilence

Spoiler!

BREAKING: CALIFORNIA MAN ARRESTED FOR SENDING LEWD PICTURES OF HIS MEMBER TO INTERNET FORUM MEMBERS

A Northern California resident's acts of sexual harassment have come to an end after getting arrested Friday afternoon.

The man, who goes by the moniker "Pestilence" on the unofficial Kansas City Chiefs internet fan forum chiefsplanet.com was arrested at his workplace on Friday afternoon, caught in the act of sending another indecent picture of himself to one of the other participants on the forum.

Pestilence's attorney, also a Chiefs Planet member known as "Baby Lee," claimed to police that he doesn't see the problem, and that his client was only contributing to a continuously running gag on the forum since 2012.

"Look, I don't quite understand it, but they've got this character named Fisty McTatt, which is an altered image using photo-editing software that depicts my client's hand contorted into a bizarre-looking fist," said Lee to media sources just hours after the arrest. "This guy Sofa King put some eyes and a mustache on my client's fist, then fixed that face on top of the body of another Chiefs Planet member that features a poorly drawn chest tattoo of a KC Chiefs logo surrounded by phallic objects. That's the joke."

"My client thought it would be funny to create a new character as the kind of straight man to Fisty McTatt's Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Brilliant fucking show, by the way. Anyway, the new character was Dicky McElephant, you see. And well... it was all supposed to be in good fun."

The edited picture in question (crop-censored above) shows Pestilence's pubic area. The hair is shaved, and in its place is a drawn picture of an elephant, with the defendant's genitalia serving as the elephant's trunk.

Lee claims that he and his client were misled by Chiefs Planet's management team: "I was busy watching my 4th hour of Seinfeld re-runs when 'Pesty' showed this to me. I thought it was really funny, but was unaware of Chiefs Planet's code of conduct. I private messaged Bob Dole, a moderator, asking his opinion, and when I received no response, I figured the image would be safe to distribute to all of the members."

The Dicky McElephant image has been altered by numerous other individuals. These images feature the character in a variety of familiar situations and photographs, including one particularly grotesque and vile alteration of Dorothea Lang's world-famous "Migrant Mother" photograph. In the new image, the elephant character stares down the mother, and a word bubble appears above the character that says, "I'm going in dry!"

Police were made aware of the sexual harassment issue associated with Dicky McElephant from one Kirstie Tynes, a self-proclaimed intellectual property ownership rights advocate. Reportedly, Pestilence had sent her the image on 34 separate occasions, with most of the images showing Tynes' modeling poses interacting sexually with Dicky.

When asked for comment, Tynes only had one word: "Sickening."

A continued investigation of the defendant's testimony will be conducted. Any accomplices, including the aforementioned Sofa King, will be sent in for questioning.

10. htismaqe

Spoiler!

Parker (because I'll be fucked if I'm going to type out that combination of letters that looks like kcnut threw up on his keyboard every time I want to mention this turd by name) doesn't deserve to be up here at all, but for some bizarre reason I really like him, so he gets a top 10 spot. Because of seniority, or whatever.

He's just so fucking busy! Great, Parker. You're busy, we get it. It's not like everybody else has all the fucking time in the world. I've got a job, too. Shit, it's the last weeks of class and I have papers and finals to grade. I have research obligations. I could be doing that right now, but because I'm an adult I know how to balance home, work, and Planet life like a responsible individual. I don't just go own extended leaves of absence because "really busy at my job!"

His incredible service to the forum deserves applause in some respects. Former mod. Former CP mock draft participant. Veteran of some of Chiefs Planet's (and the Star forum's) most heated and contentious battles. We say "former" in all of these cases, though. Because why? Because he was busy!

At least he took an honest shot as Roastmaster. Think of all those roasts he had to go through. 101. Can you imagine?

He clearly couldn't. Know why? Because he quit like he always fucking does. Sheesh, dude. PGM had more motivation to do his fucking job than you did. I know the roasts aren't very juicy at the top (I know because I've fucking been there) but that's what separates the divisional playoff loss Marty teams from the 7-9 sad stinky disappointments. And let me tell you, brother- Carlton Gray and Chester McGlockton are NOT going to put you over the top in this one.

Parker, I wanted you to come back. The door was always open. We could have been a team. We would have been unstoppable. But you are still really busy, or some shit. Fine. Whatever. I'm good with being the King of Roasts. Maybe when you're not busy and go on splurges of 500 posts per day for 2-month stretches you can have a nice long talk with Hootie about who has more willpower to finish complicated tasks. And at least Hootie has an excuse-- he got banned.

In the meantime, I AM busy, but I still got you your roast that you deserved. Oh, and when you see your boy Carl over the holidays and give him a big wet kiss, tell him to go fuck himself from me.

9. Rausch

Spoiler!

Rausch and I are blood brothers. We both were smarter than everyone else when it came to Todd Collins, and we fought valiantly side-by-side for many years for him to get the respect he deserved. It was a tragedy that Todd couldn't stay longer in Kansas City, but we will always remember the wonderful times when he was here.

I was just a n00b at the time. This was long before I became a drafturbator or a QB-at-all-costs table pounder, and I was a lot happier and more naive. Donk scum was donk scum. Taco John and everybody like him was a hated enemy. And the Chiefs had just passed on drafting Joey Harrington. I said, "Well, at this point the Chiefs may as well hold an open competition between Todd Collins and Trent Green," given Green's initial struggles in his first year with the team.

Rausch backed me. He was also of a similar mindset. Michigan guy. He was cool and calm in the pocket. And as we later found out, he had a fantastic taste in liquor. That was our QB right there. Rausch and I spent a lot of time talking about Todd Collins for my first couple of years on the Planet.

"I like his appearance. It's strong and powerful- a perfect image for the future," Rausch would always say.

"Yeah, I agree, Brad, he looks like he takes great care of himself in the weight room," I would reply.

After that point we were inseparable. While you morons were spending all preseason pining for Jonathan Quinn and Joe Germaine, Rausch and I already knew who our backup hero was. And we were damn proud of it.

Another thing we're both damn proud of is our German heritage. I'm 75% German and 25% Danish, so I'm familiar with a lot of the midwestern stubborn German culture that prevails in this part of the country. Rausch is the exact same way. We spend a lot of time sharing our appreciation of German culture. When Rausch found out I was a musician, all he could talk about was Wagner, especially the end of the 3rd act of Meistersinger, when the townschorus unites and declares 1000 years of prosperity for our great German art.

He taught me this great drinking song that he sings with his buddies at his local beer hall. I only have a reading knowledge of German, but it wasn't too hard to learn. The tune was pretty catchy, anyway. He told me it's called the Horst Wes-... wait, I just thought of this hilarious Rausch story!

Okay, so it was a thread about the new Albert Einstein biography by Walter Isaacson that was a bestseller back in 2008. I asked Rausch if he was going to read it, and he said, "No way. Einstein belonged in a concentration camp." I thought that was kind of bogus to say considering that Einstein was a really smart person, but then I thought again and Rausch is probably right. Einstein was probably too smart for his own good and would be thinking about relativity and shit when all he really wanted was to find his reading glasses that were placed on top of his head the entire time. All the really smart people I know have that problem with concentration. That was a pretty unique and funny observation by Rausch that I won't forget.

Lately we've got this offensive line bet going that's kind of silly. I mean, it's a quibble over whether or not the Chiefs can allow fewer than the 4th most sacks of all NFL teams. Like... even if they do get under that number, who cares? They're still awful at protection, and Alex Smith is a bozo who takes way too many sacks. I was talking to Rausch earlier this offseason about Geoff Schwartz and how we could have really used him. I got a little confused, because Rausch was like, "Eh, screw him. We don't need him and his mongrel blood flaunting his decadence of culture in our locker room."

LOL, right? Just Rausch being Rausch man. The man's really picky about the talent on his offensive line. But he's a really good dude. Totally good dude. One of my best buds on this forum.

8. Bowser

Spoiler!

Bowser is a man.

Package handler by day. Package handler by night.

He's all about putting the bros over the hoes. Even his own wife and mother.

And if you can successfully remove his mouth from Bugeater's nutsack, he'll be the most loyal and friendly Chiefs forum friend you can possibly imagine. When his wife's not looking, that is.

Just like Rausch, I hear he's a fun drinking buddy, but he's a little hard to get ahold of. You might have to make an appointment with his house secretary to see if he's available to go out and play with you.

7. Simply Red

Spoiler!

Simply Red is a catty bitch. Only he could get away with giving people advice about fashion and appearance while typing all of his posts exclusively in Comic Sans.

Simply Red is "the weird phase I was going through" that all women talk about when they discuss their ex-husbands amongst each other.

Simply Red will smother you with love, but then show passive-aggressive tendencies when he's mad at you by hogging all the covers at night.

According to cdcox's prediction software, 76% of Chiefs Planet posters thought Simply Red was gay when he first started posting. NTTIAWWT.

Simply Red has seen Clay's penis.

To be fair, I don't think he had a choice in the matter.

Speaking of Clay, Simply Red is also the first poster to successfully make first contact with salame. Nobody had any fucking clue what they were saying, but scholars believe it had something to do with drugs.

I already said Simply Red is a catty bitch, but I want to place the emphasis on catty. As in, he's rather cat-like. He'll totally pee on your shit if you don't pay enough attention to him.

Simply Red has two loves in this world: Melissa Joan Hart and Peter and the Wolf. Lucky for him, this shit exists:

Unlucky for Simply Red, that recording is evidence that Melissa Joan Hart is pretty terrible at narration.

Simply Red is the fucking listmaker. Can we just all agree on that?

I probably would have been more disparaging in this toast, but I just seemed to be too nice today.

6. milkman

Spoiler!

Milkman Test of Intelligence

SECTION A- Team direction analysis proficiency
Directions: Select one of the choices for each given scenario

1. Your favorite football team is known for the past 10-15 years for its up-and-down rate of success from year to year and an unfortunate lack of postseason success. They have just fired their head coach. An old, well-respected head coach who has won a Super Bowl in the past two years is considering coming out of retirement to coach for your team. What is your reaction?
A) Excitement about the possibilities and expectations that the streak of mediocrity will end
B) A tempered reaction, but somewhat positive given the other coaching candidates available
C) Dismay, because this coach will not be good enough, or has demonstrated in the past that he is not good enough
D) Dismay, because your ideal candidate, the offensive coordinator from Tokyo Yukata, a team in the semi-professional Japanese Football League, was not hired
E) Anger, because fuck you
F) Choices C and D
G) Choices C and E
H) Choices C, D, and E

2. You are the owner of a football team, and it's time to hire a new GM. You have conducted interviews with three candidates. No others interest you, or they are unavailable. Whom do you hire?
A) The guy from outside the system with about as outstanding of a resume that any one guy can have if he has never held the GM position before
B) The guy currently on the team with experience as a former GM, in which he orchestrated a draft trade-up costing his team an entire year's worth of draft picks, all so he could select a RB.
C) The guy you just fired, because you've never known anything different
D) You pull an Al Davis and make yourself the new GM
E) You give GM duties to the current head coach, whose intelligence and sanity is a bit questionable
F) B or fuck you
G) D or F
H) None of the above

3. Given the following available players, select 5 to form the best possible starting offensive line.
a. Larry Bitchardson- A 2nd-year 6th round T/G tweener without much experience in college, but he has great hip movement and seems nice
b. Jade Stith- A veteran C/G tweener with starting experience. Undrafted out of college
c. Sydney Fartapples- A 6th year swing LT/RT with some starting experience. Cheap because nobody else seems to want him
d. Danny Duodenum- Available via trade of a 5th round pick, has little starting experience, but is multi-faceted. Can play any line position, since nobody can seem to figure out what he's good at
e. Albert Denbren- Last year's 1st round pick at LT. Played guard in college, but has the size and maneuverability that you, personally, look for in a LT
f. Seamus McHaggis- Waiver wire pickup option. Veteran RT with some, but not much starting experience. You recall hearing his name called at some point when you watched Sunday Night Football three years ago
g. Dikembe Mu'aclikicliki- Swing guard, acquired last year in a player-for-player trade. Is worthless
h. Lane Dickcloud- Undrafted rookie free agent. Hit somebody really hard in training camp. Played for the NAIA Jizzonme State University, so is quite experienced, but raw in all the right ways. Reaper16 of Chiefs Planet likes him.
i. Lester Spears- Your starting RG for the past 17 years. Has never won shit. Doesn't seem to mind or complain much about it. Can tell you about the time he got to longsnap for Jan Stanerud.
j. Michael Flopmod- A 400 lb man who tried out for the team two weeks ago. Has a great locker room personality.
k. A random undrafted free agent. You'll take your chances (may choose more than once)
l. You'll pay out the ass for an expensive aging player from another team (may chose more than once)

4. Select the three most important qualities from the choices provided in your ideal starting QB
a. 6'2" or taller
b. Can run multiple systems
c. Is bald
d. Throws for around 3500 yards per season
e. Is considered to be in the top 3 greatest QBs of all time in spite of having only won one Super Bowl
f. Has a Jay Cutler arm
g. Has never and will never play a single game without an elite defense because the sun just shines out of his ass

SECTION C
Directions: Answer the question below

5. Are you Milkman? (Y or N)
=============================================SCORING

Total your score from Section B
3. If you chose b), e), h), i), or k) score +5 points for each player selected
If you chose a), score +5000 points
If you chose c) or d), score 0 points
If you chose f) or g), subtract 3 points for each selection
If you chose j), you are deserving of a name change on your online football forum of choice
If you chose l) one or more times, then kill yourself

If you answered "Yes" in Section C, multiply your subtotal by 0
If you answered "No" in Section C, subtract 10,000 from your subtotal
==========================================RESULTS

-1 or fewer points = You are a dumbass

0 or more points = You are an asshole

5. Mr. Flopnuts

Spoiler!

"The People's Mod is the People's Noose"
By BlackBob

I am a concerned citizen of Chiefs Planet, and wish to speak to you today about a problem not many of you realize is tearing apart the fabric of your precious forum. I'm speaking about Mr. Flopnuts, also known to many of you as "the People's Mod."

Understand that I have not been here long, but because I'm just as bad as Mav in terms of acting like I was around for all these important events before I ever joined CP, I have done my research. I have concluded that Mr. Flopnuts, while loyal to his friends, is using his Supermoderator powers as a member of the Drafturbators to institute a totalitarian groupthink society, with him in charge.

Mr. Flopnuts is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He lies about his actions and modding record, and convinces everybody that the lies he spreads are the truth. He makes you happy that he is poaching off your species little by little because he's doing population and conservation control measures. Here's how things got to be this way.

November 14, 2010: Mr. Flopnuts tells a Raiders troll who wants to gloat after a Chiefs loss, "I hope your children are sodomized by a 400 lb man." Flopnuts receives an infraction and a temp ban. He reaches out to Penn Jillette on Facebook asking if he knows the reason why. It's revealed in a thread that morphius, doing his job under heavy pressure, made a quick-thinking judgment call, since Flopnuts' hoodie and bag of skittles seemed threatening. This creates a lens for the public to view and criticize. Flopnuts is released, acts cordial and nice about it, but morphius continues to get lambasted as a victim of his sociopathic lust for power.

Approximately five months later, a public election is held for new additions to the modding staff. Mr. Flopnuts wins overwhelming support after an organized campaign of baby-kissing and sucking up to other members at Chiefs events. Democratically elected, he immediately announces a conservative moderating administration, preferring to let the invisible hand of the market rape whatever trolls are behaving out of line: "Happy to be here. Happy to serve. I'm pretty much just here to clear out graphic porn pics, spam, and the like. Trolls? Well, I'd rather fuck with them than ban them, so we'll take that one step at a time." http://chiefsplanet.com/BB/showpost....1&postcount=51

Believing he can further win favoritism through bread and circuses, he takes a radical pro-tags position, advocating for their traditional return on draft day and beyond. Instantly he is as beloved as DaFace as a mod.

Behind the scenes, Mr. Flopnuts reverts into his real personality. Some sources have told me that Mr. Flopnuts is the kind of person that gets excited about a Drafturbator Fantasy Football Auction League, gets wasted, and then at the beginning of the auction drives up the price of Adrian Peterson just to be a huge asshole. He spends half his money on one player, realizes he's screwed, and then lets the machine autobid for the rest of his players.

He does a good job keeping the streets clean, but then proposes a massive cleanup of the DC Forum by cracking down on the racist comments. I'm not a racist, but I would extend the same rights of somebody to be critical of a group of people as long as they protected by right to think retarded things about the best players on the Chiefs who are the only ones who legitimately try to win every week. That is a huge concern. Mr. Flopnuts oversteps his bounds constantly. He's a tyrant. He disguises his beatings that he delivers to his children as fun and games.

And how does he justify this? By going back to his protective inner circle cock ring of friends to justify his vote, always maintaining a courteous and respectful tone that makes everybody's vagina tingle with delight. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showt...282036&page=22

Because of people like him, a witch hunt forum culture has developed that seeks to persecute free-thinking individuals. I was a victim of the MOB attacks in 2013. Consider for a moment that "MOB" is only one letter away from "Mod." Go back and watch the tape of this thread if you don't believe me.

I'm not beyond using self-deprecating humor and intellectual humility to sway people to my opinions. It just never works for me because I'm really fucking annoying. That's fine. But when you're a snake in the grass, you can whisper whatever venom you wish into the true people's ear and have them believe that their freedom and sovereignty are not being threatened by the rise of an oligarchical tyranny under Der Flöprer.

Stand with me alongside the other n00bs who find this place sickening and leave forever after 48 hours! Together we can create a Chiefs Planet where utter dumbfucks and lunatics aren't insulted for spewing vile garbage everywhere!

4. SNR

Spoiler!

SNR is everything wrong with internet culture. Don't believe me, just look at this board. Here on this manly football board where alpha dog mentality reigns supreme perhaps more than on any other board besides the musclehead alphapillowbiters board, our top 5 consists of a 400lb fat ass, a guy who uses dog shit as retaliation against females, and 3 Star Trek geeks. Wow. And if Rainman isn't a Star Trek geek, well who gives a shit? He owns a company that does surveys for a living, and his manliness piques at removing advertising from his neighborhood light poles, and is the master of polls here on Chiefsplanet. That's a lot poles/polls for an alpha dog.

Back to SNR. He's a pianist. Say that fast enough, and yeah, you know. This is a guy that in all of his alpha dog mentality decided to pursue a doctorate in music. And what did he do with it? He became a music teacher. You know, those who can, do, and those who can't? Teach. I'd be pissed too. Don't get me wrong. He's made a couple of albums on classical music that he's so proud of, he promised to send me a CD for months and never delivered. Much like his album I'd guess. Makes me think it must be like Amazon authors. Write a book, sell no copies on Amazon, but hey! You're still an author! That means SNR is a musician damnit!

The guy has been here for 12 years. That's a dozen for you laymen. SNR's words, not mine. He's kind of a supremist douche. As a drafturbator, you know the type. He self annointed himself as a candidate for the GM job when Carl was let go, http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=199759

Between his narrcisstic better than you mentality, and his clear schematic advantage at composing music, everyone knows what a huge Star Trek nerd he is. Totally manly, right? Let's play a game. Let's play the who started this thread game. "What's your favorite Star Trek episode". Clay, right? Jesus fuck, it HAD to be Clay right? http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=242807

Finally, and most shockingly, who brought rape culture to Chiefsplanet? SNR did. Do you really think it was because he thought rape was funny? I don't. I think it's far more sinister than that. Back in 2011 SNR talked about his impending move to Madison, WI. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=232949

Being the alpha dog that he is, he discussed being unhappy in his current job, and his wife having landed a job there and being totally happy with him playing daddy for a kid not yet born. Now, I know what you're thinking. SNR is married?!?!? I thought it too. He NEVER talks about his wife. But there's further proof this isn't made up. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=246421

She was mentioned here as well. That was it though. Never again. My conclusion is that she left him for a man. Not another man, just a man. She realized she fucked up right? And what happened from there? Well, that's where this all starts turning upside down. SNR soon created this thread about his colleague hooking up with a student. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=261004

And then, it became full on rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape. Seek help SNR. You can control your urges. I know it's frustrating having your wife leave you for a man, and I can only imagine the personal hell of having your mother being more manly than you. You're not alone buddy. Actually, yeah. Yeah, you are. Seek help anyway. Everyone has always asked what SNR stands for. Clearly it stands for Secretly Nearing Raper status. We all should've saw the signs. We've all let SNR down.

3. 'Hamas' Jenkins

Spoiler!

I apologize in advance. This is going to be another non-roast, but since my Talking Can one went over fairly well, I'm going to do it for Hamas as well. If you don't like it, I invite you to voluntarily ban yourself for a year.

Do you know what makes me smile the most about this place? When you get a new member who's been a Chiefs fan for years, and he gets really super excited that he found such an active and fun forum for Chiefs talk. He eagerly starts gabbing away various platitudes about supporting Alex (or Cassel if you're going back several years) and how the Sea of Red is the best fan experience in the NFL. The guy seems nice, and he thinks everybody on here is just as supportive, because we're all Chiefs fans. But he's not met with supportive or polite discourse. He gets inane comments about his mother and family, suggestions of ways he could kill himself, and nothing but shame and vitriol for his small-minded thinking. The new member says something like, "This forum is a hell hole. What the hell is wrong with you guys?" and is never heard from again.

That is perhaps my favorite part of Chiefs Planet. That notorious reputation among the other Chiefs fan sites is what makes this place so great. It's the toughest saloon this side of Mitch Holthus' disgusting mole on his face.

We have people like Hamas to thank for that. Sure, we've had trolls and dumbasses like Mecca doing that shit for years, but Hamas is much different. I think more than any other member, he has demanded a higher level of posting excellence from this community. And he didn't just do it by storming in and shoving his opinion down everybody's throats as soon as he got here. He didn't act smarter than he really is; he posts intelligent things because he IS that smart. He led by example in showing us what the discourse on this forum was capable of being.

On the internet (and in life for that matter) everybody tends to not listen to new ideas. It could make total sense to them, but if it's not explained in such a way that will soothe a person's ego and convince them that this new idea was something individually researched or realized through intuition, that person probably isn't going to change his or her mind. Very rarely does a person come around that can pull off change in a person's mindset. Especially on the internet, where the absence of pathos can really limit the tools of rhetoric.

Hamas was unique. He would treat you with respect, but he simply wouldn't tolerate stupidity. And it was everywhere. People liked Tyler fucking Thigpen, for crying out loud. Telling people to go kill themselves was an unconventional way of winning people over to your view of the situation, but when you're as organized and precise of a thinker as Hamas is, the combination of reasoned discourse and offensive insult was quite a lethal 1-2 punch.

There are a handful of brilliant Hamasisms that I've picked up over the years and reframed to fit real conversations. I've been using a lot of metaphor and satire in these roasts, and I've definitely gotten better at it, but I've only been digging them out because I've seen the elegance and grace that can result from their proper and effective use. For instance, when he wrote something like, "Hester Pioli should be forced to wear Cassel's $60 million contract as a scarlet fucking letter," that opened a new world for me. My Phobia roast would not be here if Hamas had not dared to mix literature with football operations.

The Gang of 14 treatise should be required reading in all Kansas City public schools. Just imagine. The Chiefs Kingdom would be far more representational of CP's attitudes. Mitch Holthus would stop talking about Alex Smith's toughness when he struggles in a game and instead would make a plea for somebody to pour antifreeze into Smith's Gatorade bottle. The next time the Chiefs have the #1 overall pick and draft a MAC conference OT, the NFL Network wouldn't see a room full of cheering drunk assholes. They would see a bunch of signs telling them to go hang themselves from an AIDS tree.

That's why Hamas is #3.

2. Rain Man

Spoiler!

I’ll wait for everybody to finish having their periods over the fact that Rain Man is not #1. Take your time. Do what you gotta do.

…

We good?

Okay. We’re not here to quibble about rankings. We’re here to celebrate the illustrious career of Rain Man and another fantastic year of posts full of wit, humor, polls, and fun with randomizers. #2 is a phenomenal ranking that any mother with a son whose children are a bunch of cats should be proud of.

So as a tribute, I’m going to do for Rain Man what he’s done for us all these years. I’ve programmed a few scenarios where my computer will randomly generate some matches for the names I input. Due to time, I’m only selecting 4 participants from a specific list of snubs in every scenario, but Rain Man will be present in all of them. I assure you all that the simulations are totally randomized through my computer. If you don’t like what you got, there’s not much I can do for you.

I thought I’d start off with one of Rain Man’s favorite topics: geography.

Which non-US city should you move to?

1. stevieray- Hope you like tea and flowers. You’ll get a lot of that stuff in Souzhou, China
2. KcMizzou- At least you won’t have to learn a new language. Well, sort of. Enjoy your new life in Perth, Australia
3. TribalElder- You’re not a Nazi, are you? If so, you’ll have plenty of friends in Buenos Aires, Argentina.
4. Rain Man- It just takes awhile to get used to. Have fun in Mogadishu, Somalia

Okay, so for the next one, I can’t be as story-driven or organized as Rain Man had envisioned these turning out, but there’s no reason why I can’t make it dull and unexciting. In this scenario, I’m reviving the B-29 bomber simulator.

How does your bombing mission go?

1. Dartgod- You’re the co-pilot. Your aircraft encounters turbulence and heavy fire, but your succeed in your run. Congratulations. Go have an ale.
2. loochy- You’re the bombardier. Your mission could not have gone any better. Your bombs hit exactly on the targets, and your plane didn’t get so much as a scratch. Well done!
3. Amnorix- You just sort of came along for the ride. Nobody really knows why you’re here, but you manage to not only survive the bombing run, but also not get in the way of everybody else. Good work!
4. Rain Man- You’re the pilot. You're doing a good job keeping your bomber out of trouble when the German planes start attacking, but you quickly realize that you’re flying too high, and none of your targets are hitting. You attempt a daring dive through a dense cloud of projectile shrapnel and sustain heavy damage to the engines. Your co-pilot Black Bob gets a large phallic-shaped piece of glass speared through his mouth and down his throat. He coughs blood everywhere and finally chokes to death. Your crew in the bomber is doing the best they can, but you can sense that they are also taking time and energy to actively hate you for being such a moron. As you sit there feeling sorry for yourself, you’re not watching what you’re doing and a German fighter slams into the side of the plane. Your crew is now dead, and you only have moments to grab your parachute under the seat and jump out of the spiraling wreckage. You miraculously land safely in an enemy camp. The commanding officer stationed there is an enormous psychotic pervert, and he rapes you to death over the next 5 days. Better luck next time.

If Chiefs Planet members were Star Trek characters, who would they be?

1. KC Native- T’Pol from Star Trek: Enterprise
2. Pablo- Talleyrand from Star Trek: Original Series
3. Saulbadguy- Kurn from Star Trek: The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine
4. Rain Man- Well, Rick Berman got drunk one night and tried to write a Voyager script where they encounter a dimensional rift and out pops Jar Jar Binks from the shitty Star Wars movies. You’re Jar Jar Binks. You die horribly (but with plenty of slapstick!) at the end of the episode when you run a WWII B-29 bomber simulation and Seven of Nine turns the safety protocols off.

What should be your next meal?

1. Sofa King- Chicken Kiev
2. morphius- BLT on toasted rye bread
3. Bwana- Teriyaki-marinated skirt steak salad
4. Rain Man- A bowl of antifreeze with a goddamn turd in it you fucking asshole. You arrogant piece of shit for fuck’s sake how many of these goddamn random scenarios have you run through on the planet over the years? Dozens at least, I’m sure. I’ve participated in most of them for sure. Let’s say you’ve done 20 of them. I know most recently you assigned us U.S. counties to live in and you gave me the poorest fucking piece of shit in Alabama. Also, YOU FUCKING SET ME ON FUCKING FIRE DURING THE B-29 SIMULATIONS! I don’t want to fucking hear about the software you use or how it was generated, okay? You can’t fucking tell me that a goddamn computer came up with me dying in a motherfucking fire just randomly, and then through luck of the goddamned draw I’m a 60 year-old prostitute with leprosy living in a hut made out of used dildos in the bad part of town in Scumsuck, Alabama! And I know I can’t be the only person you’ve fucked over like this through these fun little years whenever you’re feeling playful. I’m going to ask my computer right now if I ever meet you in person what I should do upon the initial greeting—say hello or punch you in the goddamn throat. Tell you what, I’ll let it be a surprise when that time comes, asshole. I hope the janitor takes a dump on your fucking desk in your corner office some time in the next week.

Okay, so the name is obviously a pun between a discuss and the word "discuss." Yeah, it doesn't work very well. "Discuss" just isn't a word that people tend to mess up on. It's not even a common typo. Outside of kcnut, ROYC75, or royr17, people are rarely that bad. The riff just isn't riff-worthy. Now if Discuss Thrower instead chose to make a desert/dessert pun in his username, that'd be a different story.

But what if that's not the angle? What if he's just playfully mixing the two words around? As one throws a discus, why can't they also throw up a discussion into the air? Ending each OP in a started thread with DISCUS seems to point to this as the story behind the username.

If that's the case, then wow... that's fucking stupid. I thought Discuss Thrower got his Masters in Literature or something like that. People who are that well-read are usually wittier than Paula fucking Poundstone. With a joke name as bad as that, it wouldn't surprise me if he agrees with Saccopoo about Moby Dick being the best book ever written.

"Discuss" Thrower? That doesn't even make fucking sense. Discussion Thrower is what you're looking for. I get that then the connection to discus is removed, but that's not my problem. Why? BECAUSE IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN MADE IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE. If he's looking for toss-up ideas to relate to a discus, try looking for a pun that has to do with poop. Throwing poop at the wall. That's what he should have referenced. Because that's what he does.

Also, his "discuses" (HAHA FUCKING HILARIOUS RITE?) are usually pretty awful. Take his last one as an example. What if the Chiefs had traded for Tony Gonzalez for 2013? Uhh... I don't know... unicorns would piss antifreeze? God, that question just reeks of the ivory tower he's been living in for the past few years (and I should know, because that's where I work). I'm anxiously awaiting his next thread about deconstructionism in the head coaching tenure of Todd Haley and if you think his coaching decisions lend themselves to latent smoldering homosexual urges buried deep within him.

56. petez28

Spoiler!

Pete Gas was the worst wrestler in the most ridiculous stable ever conjured from the Dianabol-fueled brain of Vince McMahon. It’s fitting that the roasted dumbass shares his name with an utterly forgettable fuckwagon of suck.

Pete Gas makes you re-evaluate your own priorities and moral code. Alas, Pete Gas is not Socrates, just a pile of mis-matched neurons so mangled that it makes you wonder how you could support something he does. Pete is a walking counterargument for all he hates.

Pete Gas makes you want to shit in your mouth because he uses a toilet bowl.

When you argue with Pete you’re left explaining that home teams get preferential calls in college basketball and that, although a driving player’s sweat may have sprayed upon the brow of a defender, sloshing perspiration does not equate to a missile dropkick, and thus no offensive foul.

When you argue with Pete Gas about the Royals, you are left defending Ned Yost at times. No, Gas did not execute a rhetorical trap—it’s just not possible to bitch about everything someone does all the time.

But before you hate on Pete Gas too much, remember this.

In 1995, Mr. Gas was younger, thinner, and still just as dull. He had just finished a short tour of the bar circuit in Jasper, Missouri as a roadie for a Collective Soul cover band. He took the sawbuck and vertebral subluxation for hauling their amps, slapped on his LA Lights, and went to a local spank shack on the side of I-49. On his way behind the black curtain, before he could drop in his first quarter to see the local dwarf scrog a burro behind Plexiglas, there he saw her: his mother on the cover of Internal Reamplay4: Painting the Lines, featuring Jerry Markbright, Jerome Bogar, and Jeff Triplette.

Before you pillory Gas too much, remember that your mom has not sucked semen and fecal matter out of her own ass, blowing bubbles with it on VHS-C so she could score a gelcap of he’ron. Although you may have done it yourself if you’re beach tribe.

Although that may excuse his hatred for the zebra set, there is no proper penance for someone with the worst taste of anyone who has dragged digital ass across this server.

Pete Gas misses the Arch Deluxe

Pete Gas drinks Shasta, even though he can afford Hee Haw

Pete Gas believes Michael Bay is a visionary.

Pete Gas wants you to buy a WiiU, too.

Pete Gas has a sick collection of HD-DVD.

Pete Gas has a sixer of Steel Reserve in the wine cooler for a special
occasion.

Pete Gas had all the members of Nickelback sign his autobiography of Scott Stapp

Pete Gas dresses up as Robin Thicke when he is role-playing with his wife, who wears an Obama mask. Don’t judge a hate-fuck.

Pete Gas’s favorite character on The Wire was Lt. Marimow and he hated Slim Charles.

But worst of all, Pete Gas makes you wish you were from Kansas.

55. Halfcan

Spoiler!

Here is a simple man with simple tastes. Not many interesting wrinkles to this guy. I suppose his preference for battered women is kind of interesting, but I would categorize that as more sad than interesting.

Former n00b of the year? Is that interesting? Not really. I mean, crazycoffey won one for fuck's sake, and Inmem is forever distraught that he lost to Sorter.

A huge flaming Chiefs homer? Mediocre English skills? Getting really fucking jacked up and excited for The Expendables 2?

What can I really say about him? He's BigChiefDave minus 20 or 30 IQ points.

He's Dayze without the wit or the unemployment checks.

He's HogFarmer without the boar jizz.

He's the male version of luv. He's Reerun KC's evil twin brother.

He's Halfcan.

54. Deberg_1990

Spoiler!

Let's talk about salad.

Let's talk about popcorn.

Let's talk about country music.

No, wait... let's talk about pop country music.

Let's post the dumbest shit imaginable like this and this and also this.

Let's rack up 49,000 posts and be remembered only for the completely fucking awful and boring shit you ever post.

Let's get made fun of by that n00b Big Smoke and have everybody join in on the fun.

Let's keep our football opinions shitty, vague, and boring, and let's never argue a side.

Actually, let's not. Those sound like terrible fucking ideas. I hope nobody actually does that shit. What a fucking loser that guy must be.

53. Katipan

Spoiler!

What really happened to Mr Blond?

How many different varieties of illegal drugs does joey do?

Is rico gay or just happy to see you?

Chiefs Planet is full of unsolved mysteries that lurk within its archives. Today we examine a concerning set of circumstances that involve the near entire disappearance of one of Chiefs Planet's greatest treasures: ENDelt260.

Before the forum knew the posting power of GoChiefs, there was ENDelt. His post count soared into the tens of thousands within the first few months of joining Chiefs Planet, each post hilarious and high quality and written in a drunken stupor. Everybody who knew him loved him.

Like all great men, however, ENDelt had a weakness for women. And unlike the other posters who post on Chiefs Planet to get away from their wives, ENDelt was drawn deeper and deeper into his squeeze until his posting dropped from the face of the earth, becoming as infrequent as Gaz's occasional day visits.

It is here that we investigate the woman behind this disappearance: Katipan. As rare as it is to encounter women on this forum, Katipan is a breed unto herself. Unlike Jenny Gump, she doesn't post here entirely to socialize with her husband's internet friends. Unlike luv, she isn't here for internet sex. Unlike tommykat, she's not an Alzheimer's patient who found the computer terminal at her nursing care facility. She came here for ENDelt, but stayed for... socializing with middle-aged bald dudes with goatees?

Some say ENDelt got a sex change and became Katipan. Others say Katipan killed ENDelt but now she misses all the times ENDelt would talk about Chiefs Planet during sex. Numerous theories exist, but no answers have yet to assert themselves as the likely explanation.

52. Dayze

Spoiler!

Dayze is everybody's crazy uncle. No, not the kind that hands out free dicksicles to Black Bobs. No, not the teedubya kind that believes Scott Pioli has poisoned everybody's drinking water with fluoride. And no, not the awkward Deberg kind that can only ever make small talk about the weather at family gatherings. I'm talking about the kind that always has a zinger in his back pocket, even if it's just a small one. The kind that will hide a penis joke in a conversation with his 5-year old niece. That kind.

The guy is really funny. He should consider a career as a standup comic. Just get together a list of jokes and BOOM he's got an act. And what with being unemployed, he's got plenty of time to spend at home and go fuck himself. Err... I mean organize his joke set. And wouldn't that be cool? Ol' Uncle Dayze... fired for laughing at Lemon Party jokes on Chiefs Planet while at work... now opening for The Amazing Johnathan at the Motel 6 in Sioux City! Isn't that kind of cool?

51. chiefzilla1501

Spoiler!

Chiefzilla is one of the friendliest football talkers on this forum.

And everybody fucking hates his guts.

It's incredible. I've never seen a dedicated football poster NOT want to gouge this guy's eyes out. From all across the Chiefs fan spectrum, too. Drafturbators hate him. Milkman despises him. A balanced take guy like TheBadGuy hates him, too. BigChiefDave and Marcellus also hate him. JASONSAUTO really fucking hates him, but that's because he doesn't exactly have a positive history with things named "zilla."

It's probably because he straddles the line between True Fan and Drafturbator like Hootie getting ready to teabag an unconscious college girl. He'll go from "Alex Smith is a limited player and needs a lot of help from his team, and the Chiefs just don't have the personnel to help him be successful" to "I heart Eric Fisher" at the drop of a goddamn hat. It's unnerving, unpredictable, and kind of scary, honestly.

Even I've been sparring with him recently over the Kevin Love trade, because his True Fan Cavs ass overvalues Andrew Wiggins. So now I also fucking hate his guts.

Fuck Chiefzilla. I'm pretty sure he's a Nazi. He's probably hanging outside the Boulevard Brewery in Kansas City right now leading chants of HEIL HALEY with Crime Fighter.

50. notorious

Spoiler!

I don't know if I've said this before, but one of my favorite posters on this forum is the Talking Can. I love how abusive he is towards Laz. I love the shitty Cassel photoshop avatar he had for so long. I love how his grammar is just fine, but he refuses to use proper capitalization; it's like he just said, "This is dumb, so therefore I'm going to rape it." He's also responsible for possibly my all-time favorite post on Chiefs Planet ever. The idea of preventing mankind from ever existing just to make sure Scott Pioli and his family were never alive... it gives me the giggles every time I think of it.

Notorious is the cheaper "second wind" product that came out due to the success of the Talking Can. He does everything the Talking Can does and even comes with his own scary fucked up cat avatar, but he's not the same. It looks and feels the same, but he's not quite hateful enough.

The result is an intelligent and fairly funny poster, but he's just isn't as sharp. He doesn't bruise vaginas the same way. If the two posters were overpriced kickstarter-funded coolers that make BigRedChief cream himself, notorious would be the one that doesn't come with the blender attachment or the phone charger.

49. keg in kc

Spoiler!

I'm only ranked 49? The listmaker must be my ex-wife. It wasn't enough that I naturally offend women with my self-described weight problem and jarring personality. That harpy had to ruin my life on the internet, too. Figures.

Honestly, I'm not sure how I should accept this. I used to post here all the time, but now I look around and I think, "Why bother?" Looking back on what this forum has become is like going back and watching some of the earlier seasons of Babylon 5, where the awful acting and shoddy early development stages of CGI just make you cringe and go, "I passed up an opportunity to date my co-worker's slightly attractive friend in 1995 to watch THIS?!" Shit. I mean, Claudia Christian was hot, but not hot enough to have obsessive dreams over. This is worse than the time I paid $50 to get NASA to name an asteroid after Terry Farrell with the hopes that she would go out with me.

Maybe I prefer it that way. I prefer to be a weird introvert in real life who draws comparisons to Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. I should treat my internet friends the same way, especially since they're just going to stab me in the back. It's already happened. 49? I'm the 49th best poster on this place?

I'm not freaking out, or anything. I'm comfortable with who I am, even if people aren't able to understand me when I talk about myself. I'm just saying... the listmaker didn't make a very good case for why I chose not to kill myself after my divorce years ago.

At least I've still got my Stargate novels.

48. LoneWolf

Spoiler!

Just real quickly, I want to ask a question. Am I the only person who can't tell the difference between LoneWolf and TribalElder?

LoneWolf is a pretty smart guy. And by smart, I mean I've never seen him agree with Saccopoo about anything related to football or classic American literature. That could change, but for now, he's not entirely a dumbass.

I put that qualifier in there because of the identity he's chosen-- LoneWolf. On a Chiefs forum, that could mean multiple things:

It's a reference to the single occupancy hospital room that housed KC Wolf after he got raped in a bungee cord accident

He wears a lot of XXXL black T-shirts depicting wolves howling at the moon with a forest scene in the background

He has no friends

He's referencing Zach Galafianakis' character from The Hangover

We can see from his avatar that his username is most likely a Hangover thing. And I find that to be a poor decision. You didn't see any usernames referring to The Waterboy on the old Star forum, did you? There's nothing timeless or unique about referencing a movie character from a trilogy that should have just stuck with the one film.

He should seriously consider changing it. Some of CP's greatest treasures became posting icons all because they went to Simply Red for a fashion makeover. Anybody remember Sidewinder? Giant dumbass, right? Well, that's not until he changed his name to milkman and got the Red Foreman avatar. Now he's even got a catch phrase ascribed to him! And remember that Rain Man for years was just Kevin. And of course, who can forget the schizophrenic jackass known as SDChiefsfan, who one night accidentally drank Tom Cash's radioactive urine and became the BucEyedPea for the Democrats in the DC Forum, Mr. Kotter!

That can be you, LoneWolf. Give it some thought.

47. vailpass

Spoiler!

AKA one of the Donk fans who posts here all the time.

No, not the cool one. That's listopencil.

No, not the tolerable one. That's MileHighMania.

No, not the inbred douchebag who masturbates at least four times a day to shows on the Disney Channel. That's Knowmo.

Yeah, the slightly alcoholic one. That's vailpass.

Once a vicious Donk troll, vailpass is now full of peace and love, brother. He cares about you and how you're doing. He'll laugh at your jokes and laugh at himself. He loves this forum, and while he will never root against his Donks, he feels sorry for the misery we Chiefs fans have had to endure after all these years. And because of that, he's willing to be easy-going and cool. "Hey, you guys like beer? I certainly do."

"Hey, anybody see How I Met Your Mother last night? Hilarious!"

"Hey, anybody else own a pool? See, I live in Arizona, so it's something my family can use to better stay cool and enjoy the outdoors. I just got a problem with the guy who came out to fix the filter the other day. He didn't speak any English, and from his condition, I could kind of tell that he's been through some rough conditions recently, like living in the middle of the desert while trying to illegally cross the border. And he came to my house in a van driven by these coloreds, and I could clearly tell that one of them was that black dude who walked deliberately slow at a cross walk a couple days ago when I was stopped at a stop sign. I saw him get out of the van to help Speedy Gonzalez with the pool, but the doofus had his own problems just keeping his goddamn pants on without showing the world his big black asscrack. I told him to wear a belt, because my kids were around and could probably see that dark side of the moon, but it's like he couldn't hear me. You'd think he'd be able to loud and clear with ears that enormous, so maybe he was just ignoring me. What's up with people of his kind, anyway? Do any of you ever have that happen to you?"

46. KC Tattoo

Spoiler!

Given KC Tattoo's butthurted response to the last time he got roasted, I'm going to do his roast in spoiler brackets. KC Tattoo, if you don't want to suffer the butthurt of last time, then just don't click on the spoiler tab. You'll be safe that way.

Okay, here it goes.

KC Tattoo matters a lot.

Spoiler!

Sorry, typo on my part. I meant to say KC Tattoo has a lot of matter.

He's fucking fat

If I could reach out and hug KC Tattoo, I would

Spoiler!

I mean, who wouldn't want the ability to stretch one's arms for hundreds of miles?

We should all call KC Tattoo our friend

Spoiler!

Because if we don't, he might get butthurt and kill himself

KC Tattoo is #1

Spoiler!

Which is a distinction that he shares with Eric Fisher

45. Iowanian

Spoiler!

I'd like to introduce a special guest to present the roast of Iowanian, the man who knows more ways to say "penis" than the entire Planet combined.

Please welcome skinbra!

Iranian bit OFF!! yuo mad i got hot gurl?

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!!!

heer Iranian spend day of wiht favrit ho

big d8 wiht gurlfrend SUCK wif get angry

Iranian dreem car

Iranian go best frend porker's hous watch cheefs loose!!!!!

Iranian u gay go suk goat

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!!!

44. duncan_idaho

Spoiler!

Proposed 2014 slogan: Nobody should like the Royals this much and not be an alcoholic who has gone through more than two divorcesActual 2014 slogan: "You gotta love livin', cause dying is a pain in the ass." ---- SinatraA better, more accurate, or alternative slogan: Hey, at least he's not as boring as mylonsd

The 44th best poster of 2014 is also the 3rd best poster associated with Idaho, coming in behind Idaho_Chief'sChick (who could one day post nudies of her self) and Idahojim and his every-man-Chiefs-fan essays he used to write on kcchiefs.com in the Rufus Dawes days.

He also holds the distinction of "Most Unremarkable Poster" from 2007 and 2011. It's no coincidence that touting Idaho and its "FAMOUS POTATOES" in your username would also naturally make you a particularly boring person. In the same vein, duncan_idaho's tourist slogan could be "FAMOUS ROYALS REPOSITORY THREADS," because the only slightly interesting thing about duncan_idaho is that he really likes the Royals.

Burning Questions for 2014:

1) Will he ever get an avatar that matches the "M-I-Z-Z-O-U" tagline underneath his username?

Midseason check-in: Nope. Apparently not.

2) Will he ever change his username to accurately reflect that he no longer lives in Idaho?

Midseason check-in: Possibly. I think if he accidentally drank some absinthe and posted on the Planet, he might post something that a mod would actually read for once, and potentially they would change his username to reflect his new "exciting" behavior.

4) Can somebody please point to something interesting besides Royals threads that this guy wrote?

Midseason check-in: I'm serious. I remember him making quality football posts from time to time, but there's nothing in my memory that I can label him by. Even his roast is fucking boring; I've been forced to make jokes about Idaho, Rufus Dawes, and potatoes!

5) Can SNR come up with 10 burning questions about duncan_idaho to complete the repository thread meme?

Midseason check-in: Nope. This is my last one. I'm done. I'm totally dry. I can't think of any more shit to write about this guy that doesn't suck worse than the stuff I've already written.

43. O.City

Spoiler!

O.City tends to make a lot of typos in his posts, which kind of leaves the reader feeling unbalanced. I don't know about everyone else, but when I see a dumbass like Reerun post something, it's like my brain instantly recognizes, "Okay, get ready to do some decoding, because this shit probably won't make any fucking sense." Then I read through it and basically get the meaning of it.

On the other hand, O.City is an intelligent individual and knows how to actually speak English, so I don't do the same kind of preparation. I get to his smudged up words and have to pause a bit and re-read sometimes a couple times over. I think kcnut must have taught him how to type. That's probably it. I would certainly hope that a dentist would have a keener attention to detail and extremely precise motor reflexes.

Other than that, it's kind of hard to say bad stuff about this guy. I will say that in the glory months of the Geno Society, O.City was among the most loyal and active henchmen in the group. Then out of nowhere, he all of a sudden claimed to be THE Sheldon Richardson guy, even though DJ's Left Nut, Sorter, and a ton of other posters already beat him to the punch. He's got it good now. He not only gets to say, "Don't blame me; I wanted Richardson" but he also can distance himself from the blast radius of Laz's volcanic periods. I'd say that's kind of cheap, but it comes with his lifestyle. After all, he gets paid a comfortable amount of money to yell at 80% of people who don't floss after every meal.

42. Baby Lee

Spoiler!

How has this guy seen and heard EVERYTHING? He's always correcting people about actors in this and directors who worked on that. He keeps in touch with the most mundane of pop culture news. I mean, Christ, the guy had a ton of commentary in his thread on One Direction fans vs. The Who. Also, what is it with his obsession with Conan O'Brian? It's almost like he's actually Andy Richter.

Where does this dude find the fucking time to consume all this media, work at a job, and also find time on the side to remember all the great makeup sex he used to have with Taco John?

Yadda yadda one of CP's most intelligent posters yadda yadda. Enough of this. Baby Lee probably won the lottery and spends all of his time in front of the TV and computer. Soaps in the morning, Conan at night, and reruns in between.

He now probably weighs 400 lbs. And the only exercise he gets is when Mr. Flopnuts asks him to make "family visits."

41. Reaper16

Spoiler!

Hey guess what? Did you know that there's more college football outside of Division I? Oh yeah! This shit is fucking great, guys! You just have to get used to the unfamiliar assortment of schools and teams. It's practically the same thing!

Except the stadium environments. They all have tracks running around the field. Makes you feel like another terrible Saturday afternoon at Memorial Stadium in Lawrence.

And the mascots are really fucking weird, but that's just something you have to get used to. It's just tradition, alright? The Eastern Alabama Institute for Massage Therapy Flaming Dildos proudly embrace the history behind the name, back when Dothan, AL was the country's leading manufacturer of flaming dildos as agricultural cultivators! It's not their fault that people now use them as raunchy sex toys!

The quality of football product is just as good! Dozens of them get cut from NFL training camp rosters every summer! And every once in awhile a school will see a star athlete who couldn't put down the goddamn crack pipe! So you see, it's just as good as the college football product that everybody watches!

Why, the Chiefs even drafted their only #1 overall pick in team history from Central Michigan, which isn't QUITE shitty enough to be a Division II school, but it's close!

....

Okay, I admit it. I'm a college instructor in Alabama, but I'm too much of a hipster to sell my soul to Auburn or yell ROLL TIDE! like a perpetually drunk hobo. Division II football is the only thing I have that allows me to wear thick-rimmed glasses without everybody thinking I'm gay.

40. scott free

Spoiler!

I'm using his original name here. Easy 6? WTF is that? It sounds like the name of a pier in San Francisco frequented by lonely freight boat crews who want something besides salty fat bearded fishermen. It's either that or he's paying homage to Ryan Succop, Bubby Brister, or... God, the Chiefs have had some shitty players wear the #6, haven't we? They're so shitty I'm pretty sure ol' scotty would rather go with the hot seamen action.

Anyway, I like scott free. He's folksy like philfree, but at least twice as smart (which doesn't say much, I suppose). He's also readily identifiable by his Hunt's tomato can avatar that he never changes, meaning even if he gets some stupid whim in his head and goes to the mods for a name change to "Easy 6", we don't have to acknowledge his desire for self-expression. I'm also pretty sure he's got some great ex-wife stories. It's a shame that nobody cares about scott free, because those ex-wife stories probably make for some great reading!

You know what makes him really awesome? He fucking hates Cochise. Why? Nobody really knows. I disagree with Cochise on a lot of stuff, and his shitty attitude can get really annoying, but I don't really have a feud going with the guy. I can also respect him.

Not scott. No sir. It wouldn't surprise me in the least to one day see gblowfish posting a weird news story about two guys fighting a duel to the death with pistols in the Arrowhead parking lot.

And yes, that's awesome. Too many posters around here have no enemies. I'm talking about Rain Man. tk13. FAX. Fuck, even Gaz has milkman to hate on him. This new crop of n00bs that everybody likes? ThaVirus, Flybone, saphojunkie? Where are their enemies? Are we saying that these posters have never said anything to royally piss somebody off and make them turn into a hulking meathead? Shame on you, Chiefs Planet.

And kudos to you, scott free. Fuck Cochise and his well-liked bitch ass in the neck. Somebody has to be his Richie Incognito, and I'm glad it's you threatening to commit hate crimes on his entire family!

Is this Chiefsplanet or facebook? I can't tell. Especially with luv around. You know that luv will always let us know what is going on in her pathetic, perpetually single existence. Even if we don't fucking care. Especially if we don't fucking care. Nobody else does, so dammit, we're going to.

What's luv up to today? Is she being seduced into craptastic sexual rendezvous with dirtbags via shitty sports drinks? Who wouldn't be? Is she trying to dream that impossible dream of a Springfield Chiefs-watching get together to fill the gargantuan, lonely crater of a social void in her life? Always. Is she currently living her "working girl" dream and moving up in the corporate world by filing TPS reports and stapling things for lawyers? LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON THIS GIRL. DOIN' IT HER WAY!!!!!

We all know the story of how luv found Chiefsplanet. One lonely night, surrounded by her cats, wearing a disgusting, unwashed nightie that could double as a bedsheet, hopped up on mountain dew and cheetos, she decided she was feeling "frisky." This was back when luv was a horrible hambeast (more on that epic fucking tale of yo-yo dieting, tears and the inevitable skin sails later), so she decided to lower her standards since she hadn't been laid since high school.

Verily, she googled the following phrase: "fat, bald, goatee'd pervert."

Something about the Chiefs popped up. So luv, living in Springfield, the worst town in America (a perfect place for her), clicked. Maybe she could find a Chiefs loving guy with low standards! A real connection could be made.

Luv didn't know ANYTHING about football. Just that men liked it. So, she thought...if men like it, I could like it, and maybe they'd like me! The plot was hatched.

Luv logged on as "luv2rite" and quickly identified herself as a football-loving female. Instantly she was a huge hit with the horny, undersexed, white knights of Chiefsplanet. They wanted to teach her EVERYTHING about football.

So she learned a lot of stuff and annoyed us and showed up at tailgates and yes, she scored! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Endelt260 was so horrified by his sexual encounter with "pre-JennyCraig" luv that he has never returned to this place. His loss, because now luv is ONE SMOKIN' HOT BABE!

Did you know that? Did you know she lost weight? Yes, after years of trying, "luv2eat" turned into "luv2lift" and eventually "luv2phoenix." Verily, she has risen from the lard-covered ashes of her old life. It only took her 12 years and 10,000 blog entires about how THIS TIME she was going to finally lose weight. But she did, so good job, honey. We knew we could shame you into it.

Luv is really excited now. After figuring out that her personal trainer (the first male to give her regular attention since her dentist) was never going to fuck her, she reactivated her OKCupid account and changed her body type to "curvy." Then she uploaded new photos of herself looking like an actual human being!

The messages flooded her inbox like velveeta used to flood down her gullet. The shopping spree for cute outfits was epic, though the nervous breakdown when she passed the big and tall section resulted in an embarrassing public scene. But never you mind! Black men everywhere wanted a piece of dat ass now. Luv felt like a woman again! And now it is her prerogative to have a little fun. Go totally crazy. Forget she's not a lady. Whoa oh oh!

Now she can finally find a man, get married, pop out some kids, get fat again, get divorced, inherit half of some poor bastard's life savings and start thinking about getting a dog, who WILL NEVER LEAVE HER.

And we'll hear all about it, I assure you. Luv will NEVER stop telling us about. Make sure you contribute at least $20 to her future kickstarter campaign to pay for her body contouring procedure, or luv will never realize her lifelong dream of wearing sleeveless garments.

If Chiefs Planet were a sitcom, OnTheWarpath58 would be a character played by a shitty actor nobody has ever heard of who gets written in to replace Mecca, who had to go to drug rehab and ended up quitting the show due to health/contract reasons. Yeah, he's Mecca-like and does some interesting and new things, but people nevertheless bitch incessantly about him. Then the show's ratings never go down and the character lasts insufferably for another 3-4 more seasons. At the end of the show's run, he ends up lasting longer than the original character.

That's what he is to the forum's drafturbater culture. Now let's meet the man behind the poster

OnTheWarpath58 is trying to one day rule the world by getting his degree. He funds this endeavor by working at McDonald's and telling customers to go fuck themselves. Here's how we know this:

1) Only people with 8-5 jobs and families are busy. If OnTheWarpath58 has enough time on his hands to get in as many heated exchanges on Chiefs Planet as he does, he must not have a draining job or a family. Therefore, he lives in his mom's basement and is inferior to the people with terrible jobs, bitchy wives/ex-wives, and redneck hobbies.

2) He tells people on the internet to go kill themselves. If he did that in a real job, he'd get fired a lot. Therefore, he must not have a real job or a life or hobbies. He's completing Year 5 of his online nursing degree from the University of Phoenix and making Minecraft videos in his mom's basement

3) He hasn't been very fond of the decisions the Chiefs have made in the past 10 years to become as terrible as they are. Therefore, he's waiting until he gets promoted to assistant shift manager, he'll have enough money to complete the rest of his education and buy the Chiefs as well as the government. Laz will be forced to go into hiding until Black Johnbozo Spongedope can successfully lead LE RESISTANCE against Chiefs Planet tyranny. Only people with opinions think they should be an NFL GM or an owner.

4) His negative attitude about the Chiefs means he doesn't care about the team as much as the fans with miserable lives and marriages. He didn't show up at the San Diego game in 2010, he didn't make the trip to watch the Chiefs fuck up against the Colts in their most recent playoff loss, and he has no friends. He just doesn't care about the Chiefs because he thought Scott Pioli was a cheap douchebag when it came to Bowe and Albert.

And if that weren't bad enough, he's one of those weirdos like Dayze who give off the impression that they're really into drugs and alcohol, but then post totally normal shit and never once mention addiction problems. It wouldn't surprise me if his normal behavior is a total cover-up high to doing Krokodil. Detoxing is a fucked up individual.

I'm glad he didn't buy that haunted house. When he eventually Brianfos himself, he can haunt his current house and for once in his life be entertaining.

I don't remember the exact post or thread, but he's actually indirectly responsible for my rape persona. There was this n00b who got separated from the herd and destroyed like a baby wildebeest. He was really excited about some stupid shit like Thigpen throwing for 300 yards or something like that. He started an entire thread about it. First response? Bugeater, who said, "Rape is funny." The n00b was appalled, and it's actually a top 10 laughter-inducing moment for me in my entire time at Chiefs Planet.

So I can't really be mean to Bugeater. His boyfriend Bowser would get pretty upset at me if I did. I know that's not really saying much-- Bowser is nothing more than a drunken jolly fat guy. Ever since Bugeater ditched his Clint Eastwood "Get off my lawn" avatar, he's really lost his edge. It was probably all a giant psychological compensation for his erectile dysfunction.

Still, I can't be too careful. Bugeater is also friends with joey for some odd reason. He enjoyed shitty time-wasting games like the Chiefs Planet arcade and Survivor Planet, but I'm pretty sure this is a real-life friendship. I think he took joey up on his offer and had sex with his mom, which is why the two are so close. And let me tell you, the last thing I need is a psychotic coked-up elf following me around sending me death threats. I got enough of that the last time I attended a soiree at Dane's house.

If all that weren't enough, Bugeater would probably summon billay and the other inbred Husker faithful to flame me with their most creative insults like "butthurt" and "fairy."

Now, the tricky part is you gotta have a high-quality douchebag to pull this meal off correctly. If you want to be lazy by going to Walmart and picking up frozen LA Chieffan or even CoMoChief, be my guest, but don't blame me when your douchebag gets over-retarded. The problem with frozen douchebags is that the stocking process dries out the fat and bald goatee cells, leaving no natural juices or flavors to circulate throughout the douchebag during the roasting process. Your douchebag should be fresh, white-skinned, and somewhere around its mid 30s-40s. The best Fire Me Boy! will think it's clever and witty like Rain Man, but in reality it has neither the intelligence nor the money. A good way to find out if it meets that standard is if it owns a cat and can't afford a BMW, so it instead drives a Miata. This one here looks just perfect.

Real Fire Me Boy! is smug and sanctimonious. You want it to be a grammar Nazi in a totally non-funny way. That's why we're going to let it marinate in its own douchiness. Coat it in the hipster semen and store it in a food thread for 2-3 months during the offseason. Now, I had to look up if Fire Me Boy! is a reference to anything, and it turns out it's a line from The Tick. That explains why hipster semen seems to give it that nice glossy douche finish.

Take it out of the food thread just in time for football season. When the Chiefs appear to be ripe for losing, go ahead and open the can of Laz menstruation by insulting Alex Smith and Eric Fisher. Add the blood to the douchebag and bake in the Media Center forum. When it starts talking to you about Akira Kurosawa films, take it out and set it aside in the Lounge for an hour. If you're patient enough, the douchebag should have mixed well with the hipster and Laz sauce at the bottom of the pan. Some really fine stupid cat stories are in that mixture, so save it!

I like to make a reduction out of it. It brings out all the unlikable traits of the douche that way. I can just picture the Fire Me Boy! pointing out all the missed commas in this very post! Mmmm. Then toss in the two scoops of gay to the reduction, and voila! Your AIDS salad is done! Just top it with the slices of douchebag.

Serves the 4-6 dumbasses who will comment, "I like Fire Me Boy! He's a good dude!" in this thread.

Hootie's had his problems with people on this forum. He even made frazod go fucking crazy (okay... craziER) and invent that horrifically unfunny Pootie ranking system. How could that even happen? Let's look at his history. It's basically a long chronology of douchebag activities from a college dropout who still wants to be a giant bro:

Hootie fucking loved Damon Huard the year he filled in for Trent Green's concussion.

Hootie twice ditched my fantasy football draft in a league with DJ's Left Nut, NZoner, Sofa King, Pestilence, Mr Flopnuts, OTW58, and numerous other elite CP socialites. So he could go fucking bowling.

He acquired Ritalin so he could get paid to do an all-nighter and write a paper for a college buddy of his.

Multiple times.

While he was writing the paper, he would also spend time on Chiefs Planet talking about it.

He bragged about how good he was at waiting on people at restaurants. How he never once misplaced an order and didn't even use notepads. Apparently that's how you got 20%+ tips from cougars.

He also bragged about how funny his friends thought he was.

Something about revealing billay's personal information on Chiefs Planet? I mean, it's billay so who cares, but it's still kind of a douche move.

Trying to pay his way back onto the Planet. Fuck, that's a new one. I don't think GoChiefs even tried that one back when he was Eric Draven/Mr. T-Rex

I think that about covers the list. I can't think of anything else that makes him a douchebag.

Well, there's also this other rumor that surrounded him awhile ago. The one that goes something like... HOOTIE HAD SEX WITH A DRUNK AND PASSED OUT GIRL, WHICH IS BASICALLY RAPE.

But did that really happen? Is that the real story? Do any of you have evidence of this occurring? Has he even admitted that he HAD SEX WITH A DRUNK AND PASSED OUT GIRL, WHICH IS BASICALLY RAPE?

If you're going to tell me that HOOTIE HAD SEX WITH A DRUNK AND PASSED OUT GIRL, WHICH IS BASICALLY RAPE, then you better have some damn good evidence to support it. Those are bold claims you're making.

Hootie's my friend, and you can't just come in here all, "Hey SNR, HOOTIE HAD SEX WITH A DRUNK AND PASSED OUT GIRL, WHICH IS BASICALLY RAPE!" I won't allow it, and nor will I listen to it. Because even if it's true that HOOTIE HAD SEX WITH A DRUNK AND PASSED OUT GIRL, WHICH IS BASICALLY RAPE, he's a big enough Chiefs Planet celebrity that he should be our Jameis Winston.

You all don't have any evidence, and the authorities haven't taken action on anything. Nobody probably even remembers this incident of discussion that came up awhile ago. So as far as you're all concerned, it is completely false that HOOTIE HAD SEX WITH A DRUNK AND PASSED OUT GIRL, WHICH IS BASICALLY RAPE.

Born Joshua Ezra Weinstein in 1971 to parents who were both accountants, he's always had an interest and passion for saving money. Car, house, you name it. He even realized that under his former username, "KCChiefsguru," he was losing a entire thousandths of a cent per year on the added energy costs that it took his computer to input "KCChiefs" every time he signed in to Chiefs Planet. So he shortened it to just "Guru." There's more, too! Once when he was in college, he saved some pocket change by just borrowing another dude's gym shorts so he didn't have to do a separate load of laundry to prevent a stench in his dorm room.

This turned in a new obsession for Guru: using other people's old gym shorts. At first he just did it to feel special in unique, but as he began collecting, he enjoyed the array of styles and amount of wear that each pair could present. Hobby turned fetish.

He now combines his passions: money and used gym shorts. With the help of his (business) partner Bugeater, Guru operates a small internet business selling used gym shorts to people. It's a dream come true for him-- he not only gets to make money, but he also gets to sample before the merchandise goes to the customers.

One puzzling thing, however, is why he always seems to keep his distance from Rausch. It's like he's distrustful or fearful for some reason. I have no clue what that could be about.

32. PGM

Spoiler!

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF PGM

05:30- I woke up. Went to the bathroom. Urine was an odd shade of purple. Need to make a mental note to call the urologist after I update the OP of the roast thread on Chiefs Planet

06:30- Breakfast! Ate the rest of the leftover bologna and cheese sandwiches from dinner last night. Had some time to dust the clear plastic cases containing my pro wrestling action figure collection before work. Didn't update the OP.

07:15- Left for work. Camaro looked positively radiant this morning in the garage.

07:45- Arrived at work. Heard a co-worker in the hall talk about Kansas basketball. Addressed the situation by reminding co-worker that he is a "beaker." Walked back to my desk with a triumphant look on my face. That showed him!

08:05- Logged onto Chiefs Planet. Checked out the new posts from last night about food smokers. Laughed at a fart joke posted by bevischief. Didn't update the OP.

08:30- Got a PM from the list maker of some new names to send to SNR. Sent them along, but didn't write them accurately, leaving SNR to frustratingly have to look up each name on the member list to get the correct numbers after the name as well as making sure that some names with spaces didn't have underscores. Continued to browse Chiefs Planet on company time, blissfully unaware of the huge waste of time it is for SNR to have to look all those names up just so he can write a goddamn roast about them. Didn't update the OP.

08:42- Had an overwhelming feeling that I'm more important than I actually am to this Top 101 Poster thread. I'm totally clueless and don't really realize that I'm actually fucking worthless to this project. If I actually thought about it, I would reflect and discover that my one role in the production of these roasts is to serve as a middleman that makes getting the new names from the list maker more inefficient than it really should be. It could be incredibly easy to just hook SNR up with the fucking listmaker, badda bing badda boom, let the good times roll. Nope, I've got a fucking job to do. It's very important! And I'm only talking about the job that I actually take seriously... my one fucking job that has VALUE to the thread and to this project... just ONE fucking job... is to take a roast that SNR or another roaster puts out and paste it into the OP of the thread. That's it. That's fucking it. I'm on the goddamn ball whenever writes a roast. I'm there to advertise the new roasts and leave comments to get people talking about them. Wouldn't it be fucking easy at that point, where after I've read the roast, to just edit the OP and copy and paste it right fucking there just MOMENTS after the roast is published? I wouldn't have to bitch like Phobia on one of his "Modding's harder than you think!" periods. "I have to look back pages and pages to find all these roasts?! I have a life, you know!" Guess what? SO DOES FUCKING SNR! GOD, SHUDDER TO THINK HOW LONG IT TAKES HIM TO NOT ONLY COME UP WITH SOME OF THIS SHIT BUT ALSO TYPE IT OUT IN A WAY THAT IS NOT ONLY COHERENT BUT ALSO LOGICALLY FUNNY! He's a lucky son of a bitch. He doesn't have to update the OP like I do. I'm a fucking Chiefs Planet hero is what I am. I'm doing this solely for the entertainment of hundreds of loyal Chiefs fans who just want a distraction to all the pain and misery that Kansas City sports has caused them over the years. When I feel like it, I will give them a clean and updated OP! The sun must shine out my fucking ass! I'm not going to approach this insanely simple task efficiently and promptly, I'm going to make a big fat fucking deal out of updating a simple fucking OP of a goddamn thread to make people think I'm important! I'm PGM! I started this thread and made it impossible for SNR to just edit the fucking OP himself! I even fucked him over just by joining this fucking place as PGM and ripping off the 3-letter username that he had championed for YEARS before I fucking knew what Chiefs Planet even was! YOU LUCKY BASTARDS DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD I HAVE IT OR THE BURDEN THAT I BEAR BRINGING YOU THIS KIND OF QUALITY FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT! ... Went back to work, didn't update the OP.

16:40- Almost time to clock out, so I checked up on Chiefs Planet once more before I hit the road. Somebody called Clay a virgin, and it was so funny that I blew hot coffee out my nose. Monitor's kind of dirty, but I'll just hope the janitor cleans the computer monitors. Didn't update the OP.

17:25- While stuck in traffic, I thought of different themes that everybody could change their names to that would be hilarious. We already did wrestlemania. That was probably the coolest moment of my life. The meatball thing is kind of funny, but it's not as popular. Hmm... blue collar comedy tour? Crazycoffey always kind of reminded me of Jeff Foxworthy. I think this has potential to add burst! Thought about updating OP when I got home

19:00- After dinner, watched quality television programming on CBS, America's most watched network!

21:45- Went to bed. My last thought before drifting asleep was that I forgot to update the OP. Oh well. Had a pleasant dream that Knowmo wasn't a fucktarded bitch and a terrible human being who rapes dogs. In my dream he actually did what he said he would do and stayed away from Chiefs Planet the entire year, sweetening even more the single good thing I have brought to Chiefs Planet in almost 10 years of posting.

31. MOhillbilly

Spoiler!

This is a tricky one. I can't make fun of his career, since htismaqe already did that with Hog Farmer. You can also only make so many sheep sex jokes over the course of 101 roasts. And he doesn't swing by here as often as he should anymore, unfortunately.

That's why I'm calling in the big guns for this one.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a special guest for the roast of MOhillbilly. We all know him, and he's a cherished and dear friend of MOhillbilly's. Please welcome... REDRUM!

MOhillbilly's mother is like this thread. The same lonely dudes visit her every night, have a good time, and then forget about her when they go to work the next morning.

She's also a lot like rico. She surrounds herself with strange men from the internet, bitches when they don't please her, and takes a pill every morning to help her with her job.

Come to think of it, I think MOMhillbilly has a lot in common with Mr_Tomahawk. She gets 7-year old Malaysian children to make her happy, has a thing for tall southerners, and people think she looks like John C. Reilly.

MOhillbilly's mom should really get a Chiefs Planet account. She'd fit right in here, because she also needs to lose weight, loves spanking, and wants everybody to try her open-faced tuna sandwich.

30. Sorter

Spoiler!

FOAR EVERYWUN FRUM SORTER

OK hai. My name is Soooorter and um it's been a while since I made a new post. So I decided that because of recent events that I could say hi, k?. And um so yeah so let's just start off by getting a couple things straight.

I don't do furries... mm mmh! No, I know that Direckshun thinks that I do furries, but I don't, actually. That's just Direckshun being bad at roasting people. And I actually don't like My Little Pony either, ahh hehehe, which is funny to me. Ummmm yeah. And then another one would be ummm. I provided you with a couple posts. Ummmm ahh such as like, like the one where I'm like mmm and it says, "Mon ami!" which is weird because I don't actually speak French. And like and and then like you peoples were all like, "YOU IS TROLLIN!" and I was like "I AM NOT TROLLING!! I AM SORTER YOU SEE! Mm!"

And then there was the one where I held up a sign and it said "Sorter plus Loki equals LOOOVE," and that's true, it's a very true statement, I love him. He's mischievous and either gay or British, but I can't really tell. And umm and then uhh bup bup buhbuh, OH there was another one that um, that I actually didn't possst... but umm... it's out there... cuz uh some of you guys found the MOB, and I'm all like crafty. And uhm and it's one where I like where I'm like "ihh" and it says several different things such as like I love Mike Glennon, and stuff and umm it actually never said that, it said I love Geno Smith, which is one of my old draft takes, uhh oh, but by the way, I'm not really that much of a Geno guy anymore, I moved on to bigger and better things, such as umm, things that I mentioned in another post that made me not stop by CP as much anymore, hah!

Umm... Ahh, Black Bob! The Chiefs run a 3-4 defense, and that's their only defense, with three down linemen and other subsets where certain guys come in and out, drop back, or stay on the line and blitz, umm and like the 3-3-5??? That's a not a real defense! WE DON'T RUN IT! I can't believe Black Bob believes that! Who actually thinks about coverage concepts like that?! Not ME!

Umm... and, so, yeah, and um, let's see here. And then, um, um I was in a thread and uh this guy was like, "Sorter, I think ocelots are cool, like in Archer." And I was like, "I love that show!" Because I do! Have you ever seen that show? It's like AMAZING, and like um, and so then um I uh I just wanted to say to that guy who likes ocelots I love you, and I want to hold your hand. And also um, uh, Hootie, I guess, I don't even know who you are, exactly. Uhbububuuhh, my ocelot thread is still there if you want to check it out.

But umm, let's see here ahh, soo, I had a lot of replies from like my posts. Or, not a lot a guess, that's a little... much I guess. And um, uh, mmm, I dunno. What else is there to say. Milkman... yeah Milkman the guy who sat for like six hours straight addressing my thoughts on the offensive line in Andy Reid's offense? Uh, thank you, I suppose. Um, but uh yeah, this, I don't think I should answer, it would ruin the mystique, you guys? Umm, and then um, bububuh, I dunno, really, huh. I haven't posted all that much lately, because it's a really big pain the butt to search for all those gifs and put them in my own database. And I'm like urr hurr, and um and now I'm just like good with not posting the same argument over and over so I'm good. And um yeah and so I love you guys, a lot. I really like, rawrawrawr status, like seriously like rawr like ocelots rawr and um I think that's about it. Byeee.

29. Direckshun

Spoiler!

Welcome to the LNBS Lounge, where tonight Direckshun is the guest of honor.

These threads usually go one of two ways depending on the topic. If it's a football thread, Direckshun will lay out a detailed and well-considered blueprint or opinion that begins with something reasonable like, "The Chiefs need to get better secondary help" and will devolve into crazy bullshit such as, "Kurt Coleman is going to be the key to a successful playoff run at the playoffs." If it's a non-football topic, he'll project his real life cosplay interests into the discussion parameters. For example, he'll pretend to be a bartender who listens to your problems. Or he'll be the engineer of a magical train that will take you back to any moment in your life that you'd most like to re-live.

Tonight we're not doing either of those things. We're going to skip his stupid folksy-nouveau way of conversing, where you call a random stranger "my brother" or say "swing and a miss" when people say something that doesn't line up.

Tonight we're going to rape Direckshun. He seems like a nice person, but he frustrates us all in so many special and varied ways. I'd like us to share those Direckshun moments with each other, whatever they may be.

Since I'm supposed to be roasting him, I'll go first. Feel free to share as much or as little as you want.

1. Direckshun talks like a fucking weirdo

Usually shows up as a symptom when involved in a political conversation with a surly opponent. He talks to the guy like he's a character from a Homestar Runner cartoon who is physically in the same room as the person he's talking to. "Pete. Pete. Listen to me. Stop saying words." He's also awful at insults, even just as playful jabs. I think he once said, "SNR eats whale dung." That's weird.

2. Direckshun never fights back

Direckshun is great for this forum in many ways because he generates content and conversation, especially in football matters. He's like a bad-tasting oral laxative when CP is having trouble passing football topics onto the front page. But he's got his share of dumb ideas, and he has plenty of people like Clay who will mercilessly tear into him even when it's not warranted. Milkman calls him a dumbass. How does Direckshun respond? "Hoho, you're probably right. I CAN get carried away with my mocks, can't I? I'll take your advise and shut the fuck up next time!" He won't defend his idea politely or even leave a nice little "Blow me."

3. From the tone of his posts, you can tell that he's a stupid hipster

I've never read a Direckshun post where I couldn't smell the PBR stench in the wifi that transmitted it to my computer screen. Every time he writes something, it's got that shitty subtley ironic tone. The dolphin wearing a helmet thread? I actually like that thread. I love comedic false outrage threads. But when Direckshun does it, he somehow makes it... trendy. I could see him and his shitty beard (come on, you just KNOW he fucking has one) trying to start some Rob Schneider catch phrase around the office or wherever the fuck he works. "Because we're the Chiefs." It's even worse now because he's got all of YOU fucking saying it. Now whenever he posts some awful shitty prediction, as long as it's glass-half-empty, he can say "Because we're the Chiefs" to justify it, and everybody will go along with it.

That's all I got for now. When I think of more, I'll post them and update this OP, because that's something easy and quick that I can do for any person who might enjoy this thread.

(28?). SNR

Spoiler!

I need you to listen up, my friend. And I need you to listen up good.

Take a moment to put down your World's Greatest Music Teacher coffee mug. For once in your life, stop teaching some wayward, impressionable youth that singing falsetto isn't gay, and pay attention to me.

You are a pawn.

This whole time, you thought you were the one in control. You thought that because you happened to be driving the entirety of the creative momentum in this thread, that you mattered in the grand scheme of things. That your efforts somehow elevated your standing among Those In Power.

You were wrong, motherfucker. You were fucking wrong.

It turns out, in a M. Night Shamylanian twist, that you were being used like a two dollar whore this whole time. PGM personally sought to it that every crevice of your creative id was penetrated for our pure pleasure. We were never laughing with you, asshole. We were laughing at you.

Doesn't that just encapsulate your life, now that you think about it? All this time, pouring immense amounts of hard work for no discernible gain, and doing it because you thought we would all enjoy it? Could you be that big of a fool?

Possibly. I wouldn't put it past a guy with a Terrance Copper fetish. Hell, I'm sure PGM was pulling those strings too, somehow. Because he's just that good. And you're just that much of a tool.

You're starting to realize it, aren't you. Do you feel used?

Do you feel like PGM has attached invisible strings to your elbows and fingertips, manipulating you like a marionette? Well you're not wrong, but you're still far from the truth. You are, in fact, a pawn of PGM's ingenius manipulation, but because it's PGM, he is actually controlling you in the gayest way possible: his arm is buried up your ass to the elbow, and he is making you say his dirty words while he drinks a glass of water. Everybody applauds, and you get to go back in the toybox thinking you're a real boy.

I sincerely hope this isn't fucking with your head too bad. Try sticking a thumbtack in your neck to assure yourself that you can still feel. Just don't use anything larger or greater, because this country's healthcare system is fucking fucked up.

Who the hell tries to turn a NECESSARY system of care that you NEED to SURVIVE into a free market boondoggle? All we end up doing is PAYING for services WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO REQUIRE FOR OUR CONTINUED EXISTENCE.

For instance, let's just say something is having a fucking baby. Congratulations asshole, now you have to pay $900 before the baby is born, and then likely have another $1000 pay for the hospital stay afterwards. Why? Because you got pregnant. Forget that it's actually a NECESSARY SERVICE FOR THE CONTINUED EXISTENCE OF THE HUMAN RACE. IT COSTS THOUSANDS, SO PAY THE FUCK UP.

This is why we should just do single payer. Single payer would give poor people better treatment, and save everybody else money -- except of course for the fortunate wealthy, who will STILL continue to have a higher quality of life but are going to be thuper therial that they can't bid on an antique umbrella holder at that auction next week.

Slayer Diabolo. You remember that guy? I sure fucking remember that guy.

For those who need a reminder, I was trying to track down the original picture that floated around years and years ago of his creepy virgin grin, pointed nose, and forming widow's peak at the tender age of 15. All I got through Google was this photoshop from a previous thread, which will have to do.

I always felt bad that we gave him so much shit just for being a teenager, as if none of us were ever moody douchebaggy Holden Caulfields at any point in our teenage years. Slayer certainly was a rebel without a cause... only without the cool car and the ladies. We seemed to have this obsession with making his forum life miserable, which is disappointing because I think we were only doing it to make up for all the douchebaggery we brought into the world when we were his age.

But I think a positive to take away from all of this is that Slayer nevertheless kept his cool through all the ribbings. He wanted to be a doctor or something like that? I have no doubt if that's what he really wanted to do after his high school career finished, he probably made it happen. Smart guy. Well, smarter than about 60% of the people who post here, anyway.

Anybody know if he has any family? A brother or something like that? He seemed like a loved individual and probably had a great older brother to get him as far as he did in life while he was presiding over his proud post as a Chiefs Planet star.

To Slayer Diabolo!

27. BigRedChief

Spoiler!

BigRedChief seems nice. Actually from Planeteer reports he IS nice.

That's why it always seemed bizarre as shit that THIS guy was the fucking secret agent.

Stranger things have happened, sure. Baby Lee is a lawyer who watches TV all day. I'm an organist. Discuss Thrower is a super-intelligent hobo with no job. But we're supposed to believe that BigRedChief is actually the asshole who gets to say, "If I told you what my job was, I'd have to kill you"?!

The dude who probably says shit like "hunky-dory" and hangs out with people like gblowfish has a top secret government job? The dude with the fucking cooler fetish is an actual fucking James Bond? The guy who grows his popularity on the internet by running "The Academy" has enough power and influence among world leaders to make Dane cream his pants in fear?!

Hey, the Royals are winning playoff games these days. Anything is fair game, I suppose. Maybe he's more Johnny English than he is James Bond. That's gotta be it.

26. Phobia

Spoiler!

One night on the KC Star Farm the animals grew restless and tired of the rigid posting rules and frequent bannings, so they got together to find a new place to graze and waste entire hours of the work day. First to the meeting were the two cart-horses, frazod and tommykat, who came in together, walking very slowly and setting down their vast hairy hoofs with great care lest there should be some small animal concealed in the straw. Tommykat was a stout motherly mare approaching old age, who had never quite got her figure back after her fourth foal, or her incident with the washing machine. Frazod was an enormous beast, nearly eighteen hands high, and as fat as any two ordinary horses put together. A white stripe down his nose gave him a somewhat stupid appearance, and in fact he was not of first-rate intelligence, but he was universally respected for his steadiness of character and tremendous drunken temper. After the horses came JOhn, the white goat, and Milkman, the donkey. Milkman was the oldest animal on the farm, and the worst tempered. He seldom talked, and when he did, it was usually to make some cynical remark — for instance, when most people were encouraged by the Vermeil hire, he'd preach Carl Peterson platitudes about defense and experienced clutch QBs. Alone among the animals on the farm he never laughed. If asked why, he would say that he saw nothing to laugh at.

The new farm was to be called Chiefs Planet, and it was decided the job of moderating and organizing the others fell naturally upon the pigs, who were generally recognised as being the cleverest of the animals. Pre-eminent among the pigs was a young boar named Phobia, who was a large, rather fierce-looking Berkshire boar, not much of a talker, but with a reputation for getting his own way. All the other male pigs on the farm were porkers. The best known among them was a small fat pig named KCJohnny, with very round cheeks, twinkling eyes, nimble movements, and a shrill voice. He was a brilliant talker, and when he was arguing some difficult point he had a way of skipping from side to side and whisking his tail. The others said of KCJohnny that he could turn black into white.

The pigs got together and drew up a set of five commandments that would govern the basis for being an animal of Chiefs Planet Farm. They were:

1. Whoever is from the KC Star Farm and other Chiefs farms is an enemy

2. Whatever is fat, bald and/or has a goatee is a friend

3. All threads belong in one giant farm

4. No animal shall post racist shit

5. All animals are equal

The farm soon prospered and attracted other animals. Each animal posted and entertained as it could to its own ability. Political conversations were had, and because the pigs were Chiefs Planet animals, nobody was banned for that reason. It seemed to be the perfect solution for all animals.

As prosperity grew, some old friends from KC Star Farm would occasionally show up, and according to the commandments, they were treated with hostility. Denise the rat, attracted to the droppings of some of the larger animals, decided to make a home in a corner of the barn. She was soon joined by Tom Cash, the retarded turkey. As the dogs and cats grew irate with Denise, she took refuge in the straw of the pigs, believing that they would protect her. Htismaqe and KCWolfman always ceased the attacks, refusing to remove her from the farm, which would violate the commandments and the very reason for Chiefs Planet Farm's existence.

However, one day the animals woke up to find that Phobia, the leader of the pigs and protector of the animals, had changed something:

All threads belong in one giant farm, except for political topics.

The explanation was that it was in the interest of all parties to separate topics that people didn't want to see and as a result, the posters that people didn't want to engage. By doing this, Phobia was PRESERVING Chiefs Planet, not ruining it. The animals stopped giving a shit and then went on with their business.

Some animals grew wary of Phobia and the pigs. They knew that bannings sometimes had to happen as protection against spammers and cockroaches like Go Chiefs, but nevertheless shuddered to think about the ban being used on one of them.

Phobia's obsession with popularity and power influenced the animals of Chiefs Planet. A boar with a boring life who builds decks for a living couldn't be that cool, but then they saw his post count and self-deprecating sense of humor and changed their minds. Many animals had met Phobia’s sow, and thought it was cool that they could make jokes about having sex with her to feel better about themselves. They came to see Phobia as the most powerful of the pigs, which was blown off by others like Luzap and Bob Dole, but the sexual tension was clearly present in the daily pig meetings at the mud pile.

Several years later, another farm was developed not far from Chiefs Planet. Farmer Nick was in charge of those animals, mostly sheep, and it proved to turn a very nice profit. Every month Farmer Nick would collect $89 worth of wool from the sheep and in return upgraded their food to a fancier brand called “Premium Content.” In truth, Premium Content was nothing more than garbage and leftover scraps, but the wool payment some how made it taste better. The animals at Chiefs Planet knew the truth about Farmer Nick and his Premium Content, so of course they viewed themselves as superior to his Warpaint Farm. The pigs joined in on the berating of Warpaint Farm, for they really did see it along with the other animals as nothing more than a lie.

One day Phobia announced that he had reached an agreement with Farmer Nick to moderate the daily activity at Warpaint Farm, since they had no pigs and no means of creating interest and activity in the farm apart from the original sheep that lived there. People questioned his decision, but he reminded them of the very first commandment. He showed it to them, which appeared to have been altered to: Whoever is from the KC Star Farm and other Chiefs farms is an enemy, except for pigs.

The days without Phobia resulted in a loss of burst at Chiefs Planet Farm. More animals kept joining, but the older animals who were a part of the original revolution were content to keep to themselves and stay out of the activity. New pigs were born and trained for protecting Chiefs Planet.

It wasn’t until Phobia returned years later, claiming to be more enlightened than ever before and having the animals believe that Chiefs Planet is the greatest farm of them all. The animals all thought to themselves, “Yeah, no fucking shit you moron,” but nevertheless accepted him back anyway as one of their own. Since Phobia’s departure, he looked at the commandments and saw that the pigs in charge had added 73 new ones, which included ridiculous things like, “Animals can swear, but only if they spell the word correctly.”

Phobia aggressively took control. The young boars like Mr. Flopnuts and Bearcat became his new henchmen, and the old crew of porkers like htismaqe and KCWolfman were gone. Frazod had worked for YEARS on Chiefs Planet farm, happily allowing his prejudice towards Mexicans to shine through in his daily musings, when the pigs couldn't decide how to interpret the fourth commandment. Citing a range of issues with the farm’s collective personality, Phobia immediately set to work banning loyal animals like frazod and anybody who saw what a tyrant he had become. Their arguments against Phobia were met with silence from the other pigs when they saw that all of the commandments had been removed and replaced with just one:

All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others

25. ChiefsCountry

Spoiler!

This name is now the first one of the top 25. We're nearing the end of this thing, so if a borderline name hasn't been called yet, now is the time. After making two moderator selections in the last three picks, with one of them being a legend and central figure in the history of Chiefs Planet, the Listmaker has a lot of pressure on him going into the first selections of the Top 25.

This guy has some great numbers. He's got a join date of January 2004, so he's been a member for 10 years, and forum experience is something that this listmaker really values when making his picks. Nearly 29,000 posts, good for a 7.31 ppd average, and most of those posts were in football threads in tough and dicey discussions. He's a 7-time participant in the CP Mock Draft and draft master for two of those years. I was at those two drafts personally, and I saw some REALLY good OP updates that were prompt and accurate. That's a skill that not enough observers talk about, but I can assure you that listmakers everywhere are taking note of their background and success in that area. You've got a poster in PGM, an otherwise consistent lock for the top 20 getting picked much earlier, and it's probably due to his deficiencies in OP updating that had him dropping on a lot of boards.

That's a pretty damn good resume, but this guy isn't without a lot of question marks especially when he's being considered for the top 25. For one, his post lengths leave a lot to be desired. Compared to some posters like Sorter, OnTheWarpath58, and Direckshun who went before him, the length in his football posts is too brief too often with not enough detail. Good usage of stats to make his arguments, but hardly any follow-up analysis is ever provided. A solid career post rate and post count is always nice, but you also have to go back and watch the threads to see how successful you can be if you get in a back-and-forth with the guy. You see a volley of 1 or 2 points, then he disappears to let others make his arguments for him.

There also just isn't much flash to him. He's all about business, which can be good, because he sticks to the facts and not the factions, but there's never any humor. In the minds of a lot of fans of this top 101 countdown, that indicates a lack of burst, and could potentially lead to long periods of absence, where he gets tied down with his job or family and doesn't have time for Chiefs Planet. That's just fine if we're talking ranks 50, 60, or 70, but 25th? Taking a giant leap there.

That being said, if history is any indication, this is a classic listmaker pick. You can do worse than a solid and loyal long-time contributor who can help drive football talk and even dabble in the NBA, MLB, and NHL on the side. Even if it's a bit crazy to see him this high, it's definitely better late than never, I suppose.

With the 76th selection in the 2014 Top 101 CP Posters list, the Listmaker selects Chiefs Country, Drafturbator, somewhere in the Ozarks(?)

24. Buck

Spoiler!

Seriously, just come out of the closet, already, Buck. We know you're one of us.

You just like the music and the atmosphere at Chiefs Planet, eh? Dudes buy you drinks at Chiefs games and give you compliments on your weight loss? The Media Center is just better here than it is on any Charger forums? Well guess what buddy, we're getting really fucking tired of you ducking us like this.

You're one of us. You don't believe your team will ever win a Super Bowl. You don't get angry or sad when your team loses, you just get numb? That's Chiefs fan behavior, dude, and we invented that shit long before Norv Turner grew his first cancerous zit on his neck. We know you want to feel better about the agonizing Charger losses when you post those threads of yours, but it's all an excuse to allow your inner petegz28 to express itself.

Ever thought why this gay bar makes you feel so welcome? Ever analyze that you hang out with your Chiefs Planet "friends" at Arrowhead games instead of other visiting Charger fans?

We've been patient with you. We've let you rack up a bunch of records in our now non-existant games forum. We let you play CP Survivor. We even hooked you up with Clay's fine ass for a modest fee. But it's time to be honest with us and yourself.

So consider this a fucking intervention. Come out now as a Chiefs fan or drink an AIDS martini.

And for fuck's sake, just eat a goddamn candy bar. It's not going to kill you, and you might cheer the fuck up for once instead of worrying about bullshit pseudo-medicine.

23. Demonpenz

Spoiler!

I am the man everybody says 'i may not agree with him but i would by him a beer anytime'

It may seem like im not so smart becuase i troll a lot but there are a ton of grate historical figures who seemed not very smart but actually were genious such as hairy Trueman, Jamaal Charles, and gary glitter

Id like to thank all of chiefsplanet for this wonderful ranking including SNR for the roast Phobia for making this all possible and rico and timbone for getting excited when interest was down because there lives suck. Also id like to thank my loyal fans and readers. Without you I wouldnt be writing for anybody but id probably still be employed because the internet loves that lady who rights review of the Olve Garden. Also thank you to pestilence and congratulations on you're upcoming retirement. I hope you enjoy spending time doing the important things in life like spending time with family, going golfing, and fucking yourself.

God bless america. Long live the mcrib.

Demonpenz is a sportswriter and execution editor for the Atchison Times.

22. Cochise

Spoiler!

The proud and honorable Apache leader Cochise was a great warrior who stood for justice and integrity in spite of the atrocities committed against his family and people by the Mexican and American governments. Therefore, it's only fitting that his memory get cheapened by a boring average middle-aged white Republican dude on the internet. Next thing you know, frazod will come back and ask his username to be changed to Dietrich fucking Bonhoeffer.

Cochise (Hard Rock Cafe shirt, not feather) is a unique add to this Best Posters of 2014 list because he came back to CP this very year after taking several years off to rest his wounded and tired vagina, probably over the usual reasons-- "Too negative... too much name-calling... Hamas made an obscure literary reference in a QB thread... yadda yadda." He's ranked this high because he's pretty much Alex Smith-- doesn't post anything too flashy, doesn't lead any conversations, and is diligent about not making any mistakes or ruffling any feathers so that when people talk about his merits as a poster, the first thing they say is, "I really like Cochise the person, and he does some great things as a poster, but..."

And those are all the jokes I've got. Sorry. Unspectacular posters get unspectacular roasts. Get Cochise to throw downfield more often and take fewer sacks, and we'll see where we're at with him in 2015.

Until then, Cochise just missed another wide open chance at a creative insult that most top posters make 10 times out of 10. All because he was checking down to an Obama thread in the DC forum.

21. DaFace

Spoiler!

It's pretty obvious to all but the most loyal of citizens that Chiefs Planet has had an AWFUL history when it comes to its moderators. I mean, good fucking lord, you remember that ZACH was a goddamn mod at one point? And it wasn't just for a joke, either. He was a mod for like a good 2 years. You also have Luzap and JazZzZzlovr who only stopped by once a year to check the mousetraps and say "Merry fucking Christmas, assholes." And Logical (God rest his soul) was brilliant, but he was far more about the bread and circuses and less about getting the job done. Do we really recall when he took his turn throwing Marlboro into the dumpster? No. Do we remember when he abused Clay by fucking with him like Bugs Bunny did to Daffy Duck? Yes. Yes we do.

So whenever Napoleon Phobia rapes the wheatfields with his blighted penis, it's the same garbage we always hear. "DaFace was the best." "DaFace was prompt with action." "DaFace never abused his power." "DaFace got me a new phone and paid my mortgage!"

Seriously?

For fuck's sake people, DaFace was practically a n00b when he got administrative duties. Parking Rain Man's Beemer, fetching him coffee, and waiting for the moment when Rain Man told him he could stop eating his cat's fresh turds straight out of the litter box are hardly fitting qualifications for this job. Vlad the Impaler also started off as a sex slave for depraved maniacs, and look how he fucking turned out!

Do I have to fucking remind you people that he's the goddamn monster who took your tags away? Do you think Logical would have done that? No, he wouldn't. Logical would have kept the tags. Do you think Mr. Flopnuts would have banned tags? Of course he fucking wouldn't. We all know he loved to use tags! Do you think htismaqe would have taken your tags away? Depends on the time of the month, I suppose, but still!

Yeah, the whole draft day tradition to "bring back tags" was DaFace's idea. Are you really that fucking stupid? Just because he's doing work doesn't mean he's a great mod for crying out loud. He just couldn't put up with the bitching, so he "mercifully" hands back the needles and shoelaces to the heroin addicts but only temporarily. Looks really fucking great, doesn't it? Yeah, he's certainly got you all fooled. DaFace is a goddamn hero on draft day! He's stole our candy, but at least we're getting back the tiny niblet Tootsie Rolls!

I'm only ranked 49? The listmaker must be my ex-wife. It wasn't enough that I naturally offend women with my self-described weight problem and jarring personality. That harpy had to ruin my life on the internet, too. Figures.

Honestly, I'm not sure how I should accept this. I used to post here all the time, but now I look around and I think, "Why bother?" Looking back on what this forum has become is like going back and watching some of the earlier seasons of Babylon 5, where the awful acting and shoddy early development stages of CGI just make you cringe and go, "I passed up an opportunity to date my co-worker's slightly attractive friend in 1995 to watch THIS?!" Shit. I mean, Claudia Christian was hot, but not hot enough to have obsessive dreams over. This is worse than the time I paid $50 to get NASA to name an asteroid after Terry Farrell with the hopes that she would go out with me.

Maybe I prefer it that way. I prefer to be a weird introvert in real life who draws comparisons to Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. I should treat my internet friends the same way, especially since they're just going to stab me in the back. It's already happened. 49? I'm the 49th best poster on this place?

I'm not freaking out, or anything. I'm comfortable with who I am, even if people aren't able to understand me when I talk about myself. I'm just saying... the listmaker didn't make a very good case for why I chose not to kill myself after my divorce years ago.

tk13 is the 2nd worst thing to ever happen to this forum. The first is Deberg.

I'm not sure why I signed off when PGM put him on the list in the first place. Think about whom I could be roasting right now instead of tk13.

Daru. I could be roasting Daru. That would be hella fun.

mylonsd? You bet. Don't think I've run out of middle-aged old and boring midwesterner jokes yet. There are plenty more of those. Trust me.

Taco John. Good fuck people, I could be roasting Taco John right now. Do you know how much material that guy has? Endless amounts. He's responsible for so many of CP's colloquialisms and literary memes; he's the Bill Shakespeare of Chiefs Planet! Christ, the man invented the "I'm leaving forever thread!" Imagine how hard it would be to fuck up a Taco John roast! It's impossible. tk13 could probably write a decent Taco John roast. That's how easy it would be.

I can't remember a damn funny thing tk13 has ever posted. Hell, I can barely remember anything he's posted at all. Once upon a time I mentioned that I like Gordon Lightfoot, and so he would occasionally post The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald in response to something I said. No, I don't know why. Maybe he thought it was funny, or maybe he was flirting with me. I don't care, really. That's the only thing I remember him posting.

Here's another Taco John word of the day for you all: burst. As in tk13 has none. He didn't lose it, though, and that's because he never had any to begin with. No legendary feuds. No awesome photoshops, material, manifestos, or a fucking MS Paint drawing. No football or sports takes he's forever known for. Nobody can name anything he likes or dislikes. He's not a true fan, and he's not a drafturbator. He's always just chilling out in the background posting the most gripping shit you ever fucking read like, "It's only Week 4. The Chiefs aren't out of the playoff hunt yet." He doesn't even post in the DC forum. He doesn't even have a personality. He's just barely halfway pleasant all the time. Never angry, happy, excited, scared, horny, insane, drunk, or stoned. His username is boring as fuck-- just two letters and a two-digit number. Yeah, I know what you're saying, "Look who's talking, guy with three letters." Do you know how many times people have tried to figure out what SNR stands for? Have you EVER wondered what the deal was with tk13's name? And if you did, how long did it take you to shrug your shoulders and forget that you cared?

The man hasn't ever had an avatar. Not once in 13 years. That's how fucking unremarkable his 35,000+ posts have been on CP.

I know I already used boring smaque on Cochise, but I would have saved my semen if I knew that tk13 was going to be on board.

I'll tell you what. Let's add some burst right now. You know that international society that will pay you a gajillion dollars if you prove one of these seven math proofs? We'll do that here. You guys go find some ACTUAL dirt that I could be roasting tk13 on right now besides the fact that there is none, and I'll write a roast about anybody on this forum. You pick. Your worst enemy, your best friend, or the weirdest fucker you can think of. It will be a special project that you commissioned by solving the unsolveable-- finding a legitimate long-lasting contribution that tk13 has made to ANY living breathing asshole in this cesspool of a forum.

Go.

19. cdcox

Spoiler!

Look, I get the value in what statistics does in terms of decision-making and correlation research. Breaking down reality into manageable data chunks (especially if they're quantitative data) is a neat trick.

But fuck, cdcox. You ever hear the expression, "Keep work at work?" Because you take this shit pretty far, man. When you're fucking your wife, do you record your actions in a log for later analysis? Do you put together charts and tables and graphs to find out which position will yield the highest probability of getting her to orgasm properly? When she complains about how you're getting fat from too much beer, do you grunt, "Correlation doesn't imply causation, honey!"

See, I don't even know if you're a health nut or a fatass. But if we were to trade places, I'd find myself running probability scenarios to figure out if you are, even though it can only ever give me a probability figure.

I had an advisor in grad school who was just as invested as you are in research. The running joke among the grad students was that the last words out of his mouth would be a library call number. I'm worried about the same for you, cdcox.

So let me give you a few figures to keep in mind, and maybe they'll put you on the right track.

-I've calculated a 78% probability that when you run weekly playoff scenarios to come up with each team's chances of the playoffs, not once will these percentages ever consistently come up with the correct lineup of probable teams.

-Based on the activity level and age for a Chiefs Planet member of your demographic and post count, there's an 83% likelihood that you're balding and currently have or used to wear a goatee. Incidentally, for everybody else reading this roast, there's also a 91% chance that CP bald and goatee jokes will never not be funny.

-This means you should also probably see a proctologist immediately. Just... trust me. Numbers don't lie.

-Lastly, I did a computer projective analysis of the future of Sandbox Simulations. The results weren't good, so I asked it for your best chance of the program NOT being a buggy piece of shit that people get sick of after 2 months. The best it could do was 4%, accounting for the standard .05 margin of error.

18. Saccopoo

Spoiler!

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Hello there! My name is Saccopoo, and I'm here to talk to you about the Good News of football programs in the Utah System of Higher Education.

Wait, wait, don't shut the door! I haven't given you a free copy of the Book of Mockdraft!

Well, yes, the Book of Mockdraft is very similar to Drafturbatity. We follow the same players, we both watch the combine, and it is the ultimate mortal goal of both of us to find as many great professional players as possible. But there are significant differences among us. You see, the Book of Mockdraft teaches us about the higher realm of existence intended for all draftable football players from Utah colleges and universities. They are all perfect emanations of God at their respective positions. And if you follow their college careers closely and believe in their boundless pro potential, you will also be bestowed eternal football greatness, only in the form of wisdom.

No, that's not all. We can't just let strangers into our sacred tabernacle. Before you can get to that point, you must reform yourself and your habits so that you are pure of spirit. This next part can get kind of confusing, because you'll be tempted to compare it to Drafturbatity and Truefanism. It is its own separate thing. You can learn more by checking out this free pamplet provided by the Church of Football Programs in the Utah System of Higher Education:

Originally Posted by :
--We believe in worthless things like all-conference honors and subjective national accolades in player evaluations. These items on a player's resume are just as if not more important than regular season statistics and combine numbers

--Speaking of which, when looking at combine numbers, we believe in obsessing over them if they support the profile of a Utah player

--We may find the same things to be sacred that Drafturbators do, but we believe that ever since that Phobia guy left Chiefs Planet, the forum has suffered from its splintering into sects and subforums and cliques. We are a return to the original Chiefs Planet from the time when friendly football conversation was the only thing people ever talked about. That means in order to lead a pure life, you do not participate in NFTs or threads from any subforum besides Draft Planet.

--Fatties are the key to eternal football enlightenment, and their prophet is Russell Okung, the greatest LT to ever live. He became a martyr in our religion when the Chiefs passed on him for Eric Berry because Satan tricked them into drafting Branden Albert two years prior, one of his horrid unholy demons.

--You are also required to buy into a batshit crazy football opinion cause annually and make that a tenant of your football message that you spread into the world. Me, personally? I'm claiming that Dontari Poe fucking sucks, and all my Chiefs draft projections have them taking a NT with their 1st round pick. You're only required to believe this mindfuckery for one year, though, so when the Chiefs end up passing on Geno Smith, you're allowed to never speak his name again and pretend that you were never delightfully fisted up to the elbow with Geno Mania.

There are some other important things to discuss, but those can wait. For now, you should really read the Book of Mockdraft. In order to believe that the best football in the country is played in the state of Utah, you must KNOW about why the best draft picks every year come from Utah!

So if you're interested, please join us in the Draft Forum next week for our mock draft updates! Each mock selection includes a picture of the player! Some of the pictures are even the super homoerotic ones where the player is stripped down to his Underarmor while he does an ultra hard-core super tough flaming gay pouty face! Also, we have free cookies and juice!

Have a nice day!

17. AustinChief

Spoiler!

I don't know how or why AustinChief owns [every NFL team name] Planet. I don't know if he's just some schlub with a coding manual and a bit of cash or Mark Cuban. And I don't know how he's able to update servers and do all this computer shit, yet he thinks posting 5-10 pictures of Long John Silvers menu items per post is a massive drain on bandwidth. Fuck, I don't even know if I used the term "bandwidth" correctly, and I know that posting pictures like that doesn't really make a difference at all.

That doesn't matter. We're here to celebrate the most generous person who invests the most time and money to keep the CP experience going for all those little boys and girls who think antifreeze jokes are funny.

Thank you, AustinChief. With Thanksgiving fast approaching, it's time that we all took our hats off and said a word of thanks to you for all of this:

The freedom to bypass the word filter, because I see no two fucks given by anybody every time somebody types around it

The freedom to be as racist as you want as long as you do it in the DC forum

Entertaining chats with BEP (no, really, it's hilarious when people get upset at her)

So thank you, AustinChief. After PGM, of course, you're the most important person involved with the continued survival and rich prosperity enjoyed by Chiefs Planet.

Now if you could just get off your ass and try to do something about Texans Planet, that would be lovely. For fuck's sake, it's like trying to keep a nice neat lawn next to a house of fucking Hmongs.

16. JASONSAUTO

Spoiler!

DON'T ever take your car into this hack! Dumbass won't even fucking Jew his customers.

He clearly doesn't know the first thing about business, and if he doesn't know the first thing about business, he can't know about his own business, and if he can't know about his own business, how the hell do you expect him to figure out why your check engine light is on?

He probably doesn't even touch the fucking cars, because he's too busy being a douchebag silent mercenary type who operates by his own code of ethics and no one else's. Every other story this guy tells about his life involves punching dudes, threatening to punch dudes, and what happened to him when he didn't punch dudes. It's fucking annoying is what it is. I should have put up a gif of Scrappy Doo. That would have been way more apt.

I'm not going to go for the obvious "insider" joke. The Bad Guy has been too good to this place. Besides, that joke has been attempted before, and I don't have an Orioles forum that I can run to for protection if things get too out of hand. So I guess we'll just live on with The Bad Guy having us all fooled.

That being said, there's no reason why we can't make educated guesses as to the identity of the source, is there? It shouldn't be too hard. We need a guy who has basically been with the team for as long as this forum has been around. And I really doubt that Concessions Stand Employee #24 is privy to that kind of team access. So we can probably eliminate a few hundred names there.

The source in recent years has been the most active in feeding information during regime changes (Carl -> Pioli; Pioli -> Reid/Dorsey). He also has apparent information about draft boards, since we were fed the "updates" on the Chiefs #1 overall pick. So again, I'm thinking this is a person around a lot of heavy decisions.

I have no clue from this list who most of these people are, and the ones I can recognize don't fit the longevity description of the source.

Except for two people.

Clark Hunt. Given that The Bad Guy is just some asshole, I fail to see how he has ever made any kind of meaningful connection to the Hunt family where he could rattle off an e-mail asking for inside information, and they would totally let him in on sensitive secrets.

And there's one other guy.

Bob Moore. Rufus Dawes.

That's our guy. That's the insider who let us know this stuff before everybody else did.

I've got a guy I've known for years who is close to The Bad Guy family and friends network who doesn't want to be identified, and he can confirm that Rufus Dawes is The Bad Guy's source.

14. the Talking Can

Spoiler!

I have mentioned before how awesome the Talking Can is. And because I'm the one finishing out the rankings, I've decided I earned the right to put my personal touch on this list. So that's why he's on this list, and that's why he's ranked this high. Honestly, I'd totally put him in the top 5. He's one of my favorites, and if you don't like him, you're a huge dumbass.

And prepare yourselves for one of those non-roasts you all hate. Yep. This is quite simply a tribute to one of my favorite posters. I could make jokes and try to imitate him by posting genocidal stuff against Patriots fans, but why do that when I can just let the man's work speak for itself?

the Talking Can embodies everything that's awesome about Chiefs Planet. The seething, unbridled rage that takes the form of some really bizarre stuff is a posting style I've tried to replicate and use on my own, but I can't do what he does. The difference might be his hilarious presentation, where he has this preference to just ignore capitalizing stuff, or the poorly photoshopped Cassel avatar that he wore for years. The combination of that with some of the greatest lines of vitriol I've ever seen spewed at one's own football team/fans is like a really complex souffle recipe that is one-of-a-kind.

So here's my tribute to the Talking Can. Five classic Talking Can moments. Honestly, you can probably find some better Can posts yourselves with just a little bit of searching, but #1 and #2 are for sure some of his best work. They are probably near the top of things I've ever laughed at in the history of Chiefs Planet.

5. Can's response to the Haley firing and the future of KC's QB position

We all remember some of the great Black Bob discussions, particularly during that 2012 season. And Talking Can was right there with all of us. I'm posting the thread, but I have my favorite posts listed in the spoiler.

The 2012 draft was one of the more intriguing draft years I've experienced on CP. It was perhaps the most imperfect draft slot the Chiefs have ever had, where they were needing a QB so desperately in the best QB draft class in years, but possessed one of the worst draft slots for picking a QB (way too high to be thinking about the middle prospects that possessed a lot of potential) as well as having the Piolibola prevent them from even taking a shot at one. And there was TEH BEST GUARD EVAR! sitting right there. Talking Can expressed the sentiment we were all feeling at the time in the most perfect way:

You can read my roast of notorious to see that I've already brought this up. But you know what? It's the funniest thing I've ever read on CP. I'm reposting it as #1 because it's just that damn good.

Everything he wrote in the thread was great. Haley was gone, Pioli indicated no change of direction from Cassel, and I believe even stuck up for him? Was that the genesis of the "I don't think I need to tell anyone that Matt's our starter" quote? Regardless, though, the fucking pitchforks were coming out. The OP of the thread itself was brilliant:

I laughed for days. This isn't just your standard, "I'm mailing anthrax" or "I hope he chokes on his own vomit" kind of anger. We're talking about shitty Star Trek movie villainry that aborts an entire species from existence.

Posts like this one are why continuing to hate and rip on Pioli until the day I die will always bring me great joy in my heart. The man truly was an abortion, and fucking poets like the Talking Can were the lost voices that many of us struggled to find during those trying times. Like Maya fucking Angelou.

In the words of the great Sorter, I have this to say to you, Talking Can:

Post more.

13. DeezNutz

Spoiler!

DeezNutz is a Chiefs, Royals, and Mizzou fan. That's a fuckton of misery and pain to deal with. Compared to other CP posters who like the same teams, he's actually fairly well-adjusted. He's not a psychotic fucktard like petegz28 or frazod, and he seems to be able to find appropriate outlets to vent his frustration of going so long without knowing what it's like to be a fan of any team who sustains success. His short, sarcastic posts, while making him appear bitter and self-loathing, do a good job of allowing him to be able to look at the truth squarely in the face without becoming too depressed. However, it's unknown if this is a good way of attaining satisfaction through the worst of times or if it's actually unhealthily building up layers of repression that will cause him to snap like a twig later in life. Time will only tell.

He's also the most obscure and possibly least respected of the old Horsemen of the Apo-Cassel-ypse. It's quite possible that he only joined because they other three needed a fourth person to hand out pamphlets about the dangers of drafting Aaron Curry, like when the original three Ghostbusters added the black guy to the team almost randomly in the middle of the movie. In a stunning twist, the black guy doesn't die, and DeezNutz is still finding creative ways to sarcastically bitch about Mizzou's basketball coach and Ned Yost. If I had to compare him to other posters, I'd say he's Rain Man's evil brother from south of the border.

I have great respect for all of my drafturbator friends, but because Deez is biggest sarcastic bitch of the bunch, I'm reminded that it's people like him whose selfishness has brought down the quality of the CP Mock Draft. His coattail-riding ass is part of the reason why Sfeihc acts like he owns the goddamn place and why chiefscafan is now a fully-fledged member. It's bad enough that we had to suck Saccopoo's dick to get him to join, only to have him continually tell us to politely fuck off. So thanks for screwing your friends over, Deez. Because the Colts playoff loss drove people into mad fits of insanity for months, you want us to hang out with Mav for several weeks in March/April. Hope your time off was fucking worth it.