WASHINGTON D.C. – President Barack Obama made an announcement Tuesday that if Republicans continue to block all legislation, he will seek punitive action.

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Barack Obama made an announcement Tuesday that if Republicans continue to block all legislation, he will seek punitive action.

According to the Constitution, he is allowed to beat Senators with a stale baguette. Barack Obama made a surprising announcement Tuesday in front of the White House press corps. Republicans have vowed to block all Democrat legislation, with filibusters or whatever means available. In order to get his appointees through in a timely fashion, the President has threatened to use recess appointments and various forgotten bylaws in the Constitution.

“The time for partisan bickering is over.” The President said yesterday. “Our country needs action, not political posturing. If the Republican politicians are too busy following their ideology to actually find solutions, then they need to step aside. And if they won’t do so voluntarily, we will make them step aside.”

The President is enacting little known laws that will allow him extra powers to push forward legislation. Stipulated within the Constitution are bylaws put in place if a group of politicians are blocking nationally necessary legislation for political reasons. The Health Care and economic crises are outstanding enough to enact these emergency powers.

Originally the President was alloted these powers by the founding fathers. Politicians who were still loyal to the crown made it their duty to block any and all legislation that came through teh house or senate. President George Washington took in upon himself to make an example of the men and beat them thoroughly with a stale baguette in front of Congress. Once the message was clear, new provisions were made giving the President permission to do such things in special circumstances. “Those who would put their political interests before those of the country,” said Washington “can hardly deign to call themselves men.” These powers have expanded and changed over the years. Andrew Jackson once brought a horsewhip into the Senate. When conservatives threatened to filibuster the much needed New Deal legislation, Franklin Roosevelt had the men bent over and spanked with a large paddle until they rescinded the threat. Theodore Roosevelt rode his horse into Congress, pulling a tied up representative from Alabama behind him who admitted to starting the rumor that Roosevelt’s agriculture bill would increase taxes.

It is unlikely that the diplomatic President Obama will resort to such dramatic means. Most experts believe he will simply use recess appointments. Michelle Obama, on the other hand, has openly stated that she is ready to give any opposing Republicans “Two tickets, to the Gun Show!” The First Lady’s impressive biceps and Tae Bo skills may be the Democrats only hope of pushing through the Health Care bill.