I don't enjoy sex

I have been with one partner for over two years and he’s the only one I have ever had sex with. When we have sex, I don’t feel anything in...

Question

I have been with one partner for over two years and he’s the only one I have ever had sex with.

When we have sex, I don’t feel anything in my vagina. I It isn’t numb, but it is completely dead – I don’t feel a thing although I do get aroused.

Therefore I have never really known what its like to enjoy sex; I might as well be a virgin! I do feel very left out.

I have only recently told him how I feel, and I decided not to continue our relationship because of it.

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I don’t feel woman enough if I can’t feel anything and I can’t satisfy a man. I would like to know why I can’t feel anything – is there something major wrong with me?

Answer

David writes:

I don't think so – at least not physically. Incidentally, I see from your details that you have the 'sickle cell' trait, but this certainly should not affect your sex life.

The odds are that there is some psychological reason for your lack of feeling, so I do feel that you should seek counselling from an expert as soon as possible.

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Let's see what Christine says.

Christine writes:

Yes, I do agree that some counselling help from a professional would be a good idea.

However, I think I should mention here that many of us women expect rather too much from our vaginas, simply because of what men have told us we should feel, or because we have read stuff or watched films where women appear to get marvellous sensations as soon as they are penetrated.

The fact is that loads of women are only aware of real genuine and dependable sensations from their clitoris - not the vagina.

Now, you say you do get aroused. I'm not quite sure what you mean. Do you mean that you're feeling quite keen about sex or that you get moist? Or indeed that you can come to orgasm through touching your clitoris?

If all these answers are yes, then your physical mechanisms must all be OK. And I would also say that you can't have too many psychological problems about sex generally, even if you do about the vagina in particular.

Can I tell you something that may help? When we were writing our book 'The Big "O"', I interviewed women up and down the country about their orgasms. I remember interviewing a highly educated woman who was a health professional – so obviously knew what she was talking about.

She said to me: ‘My husband thinks I should be able to get excited through intercourse alone. He seems to think that that is the 'right' way to go about things.

But the fact is that unless my clitoris is stimulated all the way through our sex session, there is no way that I can get to orgasm. In fact, someone could drive a truck up my vagina and I still wouldn't feel anything – unless my clitoris was being touched at the same time.'

Now, she was a very sexy and able woman but that's how she felt. Does this strike any kind of a chord with you?

The fact is that masses of women feel that they're inadequate in bed, when often it's their men who have got the wrong ideas or the wrong techniques.

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The other thing is that I see you are only 22, and I just want you to understand that many women are quite slow to develop sexy feelings – they have to be learned in many cases.

Also can I say that whatever is happening currently does not affect your ability to satisfy your man. If he is having climaxes – whether or not you feel that your vagina is giving you any feelings – then you are satisfying him.

I think you could do with talking to someone who is not just a 'counsellor' but is medical and fully aware of the body and how it all works.

For that reason I suggest you make an appointment at your local family planning clinic – the number should be in your phone book.

Or you could ring the Family Planning Association’s new ‘Sexual Health Direct’ helpline, on 0845 12 28 690, where they have a list of clinics.

At the clinic you can get help from a woman doctor who has seen this kind of problem a thousand times. Please go.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP and Christine Webber, psychotherapist and sex and relationships expert

The materials in this web site are in no way intended to replace the professional medical care, advice, diagnosis or treatment of a doctor. The web site does not have answers to all problems. Answers to specific problems may not apply to everyone. If you notice medical symptoms or feel ill, you should consult your doctor - for further information see our Terms and conditions.

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