Sideburns, sunburn and sexy summer girls: five things we learned this weekend

If you're not massively into cycling or the Tour De France, then the magnitude of what Bradley Wiggins achieved in Paris yesterday may have passed you by.

In becoming the first Brit to win the Tour De France…EVER…our Bradley joined Geoff Hurst and Johnny Wilkinson in the pantheon of Great British sporting legends.

Worryingly, he has also has ushered in a worrying new look…

(2) Sideburns are back in

Yep, you heard it here first. After the sideburned super-cyclist pedalled his way to victory yesterday, mutton chops officially became the must-have look.

See also: Jeremy Bowen of the BBC, and that bloke off River Cottage. You know what they say: three people officially makes a trend. Right?

(3) Girls look 500% fitter when the sun is out

Like black holes and radios not working in tunnels, the intense fitification (that's a word, right?) of girls in sunshine is one of the universe's great unsolved mysteries.

Somehow, miraculously, when the sun's out, Plain Janes across the land mutate into Kate Upton-alikes, and the high street is suddenly awash with women you can only assume have been in hibernation since last summer.

Sadly, the same can't be true of the millions of men across the country who will today sit at their desks rubbing aftersun into their crimson foreheads.

(4) Mila Kunis is off the market
Just when you thought you had a shot with one of the hottest women on planet Earth, along comes the news that she's a taken lady. To none other than Ashton Kutcher, at that.

The good news is that you can see her looking next-level sexy on your cinema screens next month, in the piss-your-pants funny new comedy TED.

(5) Footballers earn too much money

OK, this may seem a wee bit obvious, but news that Mario Balotelli wracked up a four grand bill in Ibiza's Linekers (owned by none other than Gary's brother, Wayne) has made us once again ponder footballers' wages.

More to the point, it's also made us question what he drunk to rack up such a bill? We've been to Linekers, and for four grand you can actually buy the bar twice over, and get Wayne to do a lapdance for you while two promo girls shower him in ready salted crisps.