The ornery mutt. Imbued from a genetic stew of in-bred siblings madly humping one another, the common canine is a mentally retarded monstrosity representing man’s interference in the natural process of evolution. The common dog is a genetic freak, an animal that could scarcely exist without the bizarre patronage of man, their makers. They madly attempt to copulate with everything that moves, they can barely control their bowels, and always, always, always with their inane yapping.

There’s little to be done, of course. Man has mucked around with the canine’s genetic sequence too drastically for it ever to be fixed, and consequently, dogs will always be little idiots. But technology can help sand down the edges.

The Stop Barking Collar is unimaginatively titled, to be sure, but it’s a fine gadget. The collar allows you to train your puppy to bark only when you give it explicit approval. It slides around the shaggy neck and each time it senses the lower rumblings of a growl, it emits an ultra-sonic signal that only the dog can hear… and which, one presumes, is extremely irritating to the dog.

The Stop Barking Collar is, of course, water resistant, and the stretch collar can be adjusted to comfortably fit any size dog. An on/off button allows you to let your dog bark to its heart’s content.

Overall, for $12.99, it seems like a fine solution to a yappy, rat-sized lupine retardus. Of course, a finer solution? The same collar with taser electrodes.

Reader Comments

Doggie

There was a news story last week about a man putting dog shocking collar on his hids.
I guess this wouldn’t have worked on those kids, eh?

James

“Overall, for $12.99, it seems like a fine solution to a yappy, rat-sized lupine retardus. Of course, a finer solution? The same collar with taser electrodes.”
They do have bark collars that shock the dogs. Some can be calibrated for the level of noise (a growl vs a bark). Basically, the dog barks and it gets a shock immediatly. You can hear the dog surprised and in pain. Some yelp when the shock happens, thereby getting shocked again and again and again (too sensitive calibration). They are widely used, though many do feel it is inhumane.