If having tried to solicit Qadaffi as a business partner is not enough to disqualify someone from being governor of Montana, here is something that might:

Republican candidate Neil Livingstone, in his own bio which can be found at this link, brags about having once been a guest “on a yacht full of hookers in Monte Carlo.”

Exactly why or when Mr. Livingstone chose to publish this utterly bizarre marketing document, listing his supposed exploits around the world like something out of a spy novel, is not clear. My guess is that the bio was something he drew up for purposes of promoting himself in his professional career as a terrorism expert, in the days when he used to appear as a guest on CNN and MSNBC to discuss international security. But for some reason, the Livingstone campaign thought that this extensive resume should be posted on his campaign website, and thankfully I was tipped off about it by an astute patron of this blog.

And the part about the hookers on the yacht is only the tip of the iceberg. In the same document, Livingstone says he was once “paid in stacks of hundred dollar bills”; that he’s been “stalked by Nazis,” and that he’s “ridden a racing camel in the desert.” He does his best to sound like James Bond (“I once soaked my aching bones in a tub at a hotel in the Balkans with a gun in the soap dish,” he says), not a credible comparison when you’ve seen what Livingstone looks like and sounds like.

And if partying on a boat full of hookers doesn’t establish his GOP bona fides, know that Livingstone was also “subpoenaed for involvement in Iran Contra,” that he’s “attended business meetings in dark alleys,” and that he’s “met with terrorists in their jail cells and over drinks.”

I encourage everyone to read the bio. It is great fun. (Screenshots here and here.)

And in the unlikely event that GOP voters aren’t attracted to his candidacy for all of the amazing exploits recounted above, there’s always this: Livingstone once”

“attended a business meeting with a six-and-half foot tall pink-eyed albino dressed in white from head-to-foot in a Miami-area motel with the peculiar distinction of having more ‘floaters’ in its pool than any other hospitality establishment in the U.S.”

I don’t see how anyone beats this guy… But I do hope that when Livingstone wins the nomination, the “Albino” comes to Montana to campaign for him.

Ya know, when a dude LACKS actual military service in a war zone, ya just gotta embellish a wee bit to not look like a world class dink! Livingscam MISSED the greatest war event of his generation, Nam. But now, he’s turned himself into Doonesbury’s Sork Rahzil! (sp) What a fantasy life this dude leads! He should team up with Pastord Bulbdim, another dude who missed Nam but is all ready to die at his own private Alamo!

THIS is the new Pubbie Party! Faith, Freedumd, Family, FANTASY!………..and hookers! I like the hooker part!

p.s. And ya gotta wonder ’bout the Pubbies. They went all ballastic on Clinton for his blowjob heard round the world. Yet HERE’S a dude that’s proud of his hooker fantasies! Is he really fit to be commander in chief of our national guard? Militia of Montana mabye, but Guard? I dunno. Can’t trust a dude that cavorts with hookers!

HEY, Livingscam is no dummy! I mean, just WHO THE HELL puts his gun in the freakin’ SOAP DISH?!! Here’s the scenario. Bad guy nazis jump neil whilest he’s takin’ a bath. Neil reaches for his heater to put a cap in their asses. But suddenly, as he grabs his gun, he FORGETS that he put it in the soap dish! The gun slips from his hands INto the water, where he furiously attempts to retrieve it, and acciDENTally shoots himself in the ass! Bad guys laff their asses off, and out of pity for the dumb ass, let him alone! They figure that ANY dude stoopid enuff to put his gun in the soap dish is absolutely NO threat to anything!

The dude is NOT James Bond, but Forrest Gump! Only dumber. Run, Neil, run!

Tell me this Montana: who did this guy have to pay off that your dead tree press doesn’t write about it? This is obvious news anywhere with passably competent journalists. Something’s fishy – what’s the back story??

Can a new children’s book be far behind? A story about a little boy with a wild imagination who invents all kinds of crazy stories ’bout how he saved the world and does all kinds of daring do! Yes, it’s fantastical, but what fun! Daring doo doo never goes out of style!

Read about his adventures with a boatload of horny hookers! And the time he found a magic soap dish that saved his life. And the time he raced camels in the Gobi. And how he foiled all them evil plots that he can’t talk about because they’re just tooo secret! Yes, it’s all in there! Including the time he dined with Russian mafiosos!

Excitement on every page! Kids won’t be able to put it down! And it has pics too, pics of guns! LOTS of guns. And in the last chapter, he even declares war on the evil enviros, and rides his camel to the rescue of the corporate polluters! What a story! Adventure, mystery, stupidity, and asshattery ALL rolled into one! Coming out soon! Get your kids a copy and prepare to be enthralled!

And as a former teacher, I must ask Mr. Livingscam the standard teacher question for someone caught with an inappropriate item, in this case his hookers.

So, Neil, did you bring enough for the whole class?? If not, put them away!

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

I THINK we found our new comic relief politico, but I never dreamed he would write his own material FOR us! He’s Jumbo Jimmy Knoxious on steriods! Thanks, Neil! You’re good, dude! If I ever see any nazis hangin’ round, by GOD I’ll give you a call!

For Neil and his Trained Seal: HEY, I’m a nice guy who believes in the democratic process. So, in order to further their campaign, HERE’S a dude that I’m SURE would love to sponsor a governor Hookermann campaign!

I kid, right? Everybody knows that, right? I mean, I’m not serious, right? It’s just fun, right? I mean, WHO in their right mind would really make fun of such a serious guy like the prospsective Governor Hookermann? DEFINITELY not me! SOO, I would like to publicly apologize for all the naughty things I’ve said about Mr. Livingscam, INCLUDING the soap dish parody. That was bad. And it was wrong. And it was uncalled for. For you see, one should NEVER make fun of a dude with his OWN private CIA……………………………………………………………..BHWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!