Blog / Gaijin Smash

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I'm assigned to three different Japanese middle schools. The grade levels are ichinensei, ninensei, and sannensei. These translate to "1st years," "2nd years," and "3rd years," and are equivalent to American 7-9th grades. So the kids are about 12-15 years old. The ichinensei are just beginning to learn English. So this means they know nothing. Well, they know "Good Morning" and "I go to school by bike" but that's about it. Some of them don't even know that.

You know what's kind of funny though? Some kids can't yet say "Good morning" but damn near all of them can ask if I have a big dick. Or "bigu dikku" in Engrish.

Gaijin Smash (now Gaijin Chronicles) is the story of Jeffrey "Azrael" Windham, an African-American who moved to Japan as part of the JET teacher exchange program. It originally started as a blog called I Am a Japanese Schoolteacher, about his experiences teaching English at two middle schools in a Japanese town, but has since moved to its own domain and going further into his experiences as a foreigner in the Land of the Rising Sun, even after he moved on from that job.

The term Gaijin Smash is about the "ability" foreigners — especially large foreigners — in Japan seem to have that allows them to often ignore certain customs (and at one point, jump a train turnstile without paying) through sheer force of will and/or Refuge in Audacity (doubly so for Az, given that he's seen as a Scary Black Man by default).

In June 2010, the blog switched names to the "Gaijin Chronicles". It has been going through Schedule Slip, as there was a hiatus of four years from January 2012 to February 2016. Updates will likely remain scarce.

Gaijin Smash provides examples of the following tropes:

Arch-Enemy: "Watson". Kid spends three years of his junior high school life pretty much constantly attacking Az's butt/penis whenever possible; when Az questions him on this, he responds "Honestly, does it even matter at this point?"

Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: After a girls' dodgeball game Az was watching unexpectedly turned from timid to violent, he said if he was in a house and had the choice of facing "a group of Japanese girls in K-Groove Jack Bauer berserker mode" downstairs or "Freddy Krueger, Jason, the masked guy from the Scream movies, Predators, Aliens, and Céline Dion singing the Titanic song" upstairs, he’d go upstairs and take his chances, because he’d actually have a remote chance of coming out of it alive.

I'm Taking Her Home with Me!: Az jokes that one of his students is so adorable he'd want to kidnap her. Fortunately his fellow teachers don't take it too seriously, he even comments that if he did, the police would just find them having a tea party and nothing else.

Marshmallow Hell: Az gets one of these from behind from one of his 15-year-old students. Unfortunately, he makes the mistake of turning his head to see what's pressed up against it.

Meganekko: Ms. Americanized is a subversion. She looks like a Meganekko, but she's pretty much the opposite of a Shrinking Violet, having gained her nickname in part from being outspoken and vulgar even by American standards.

"Y’see, the Japanese LOVE lines. Like, if you could make the concept of lining up into a human being, otaku guys would marry the DS game which simulates lining up for things."

Mighty Whitey and Mellow Yellow: Azrael discusses this trope once. He believes that part of the perception of this is that Japanese in general approach foreigners with fewer of the cultural constraints that come between them, and aggressively compared to how foreigners approach each other.

Never Mess with Granny: Many, many examples. According to Az, they are the most powerful force in Japan. Especially if that Mount Fuji story is anything to go by.

Occidental Otaku: Subverted; Azrael had/has some otaku-ish interests, but he either grew out of them or has to be discreet about them. At one point (after getting married), he mentions that he has to sneak out of the house to see the Rebuild of Evangelion movies.

Title Drop: "Gaijin Smash" refers to a foreigner flagrantly going against the rules (cutting in line, jumping a turnstile...) and getting away with it thanks to the Japanese fear of confrontation, yelling "Gaijin SMASH!" optional.

Scary Black Man: How quite a few Japanese people react to Azrael (especially kids). He occasionally uses it to his advantage.

Azreal: As I’ve stated numerous times, I’m a big black guy. 6’3 (190 cm or so), 200 pounds. The Japanese take one look at me and see a man who can break them in half. …I wouldn’t necessarily say that this is a Japanese thing, a lot of cultures will think twice before picking a fight with a black dude twice their size.

Shipping: Apparently every mention of Mrs. Americanized results in readers encouraging Az to hook up with her, which exasperates him.

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