Whatever, Whenever, Wherever

Pages

Tuesday, April 2

I don't think I'll get through writing this without crying, so if it gets confusing, I'm sorry.

~*~*~

Around 3 years ago, I was excited. Not just a little excited, though. I was super excited because a family that we had been praying for so long had finally gotten saved. First the parents, then all the kids. Then they got baptized!

I don't know how many nights I had stayed up, crying and praying for them, begging God to show them His love in the months that everything was going on. I remember laying in my bed, listening to my parents witness to these people and telling God that I knew something good would come out of it, even if it was just one of them to get saved. I had many sleepless nights, but I didn't care about it as long as they were listening.

Something happened though. He decided he was going to Bible school. When they first told this, I didn't want to believe it. I wanted them to stay close. They were at our house so much and they were like family. The night they left, I sat on my bed on the top bunk and cried until I had no more tears to cry. I wanted them to still live close and 3 hours away was too far.

They left in August that year and came to visit a few times, but in the coming January, they came for a surprise visit. It was, and might always be, the best surprise ever. Nobody knew they were coming and when I opened the door and saw them, it didn't really click, but then once it did... I screamed and cried and jumped up and down. I had missed them so much and I just couldn't believe they were at our house.

In April, 2 years ago, we moved to the area. I was sad to be leaving the home I'd known for so many years, but I was excited because I was getting to be able to explore a bit and be close to them again. They were one of the reasons, I think, that it never really hit me we were 3 hours from where I'd called home for 13 years. It wasn't for a few months that it finally hit, but even then it wasn't so bad.

Now, some stuff has happened. I don't really know what, but we don't talk anymore. And I thought that nothing would ever stop us from talking. It's been a year now. I miss her hugs and our talks. She was always there for me and I knew if I ever needed anything, she would be there. But she's not anymore. I still see her around and stuff, but every time I do it makes me miss her a lot.

I wish that the last few months she had been around. I might have listened to her instead of getting myself into the mess I got into. She probably would have told me that I needed to smarten up and that I had my head in the clouds. She would have been there when I got hurt and told me "I told you so." but wouldn't rub it in. She'd just be there for me.
She wasn't there, though. She only lived down the world, but she might as well live across the world and I wish she knew what went on. She would probably be mad at me, like everyone else, but it would be worth it just to talk to her.

She called me her girl and used a nickname for me that no one else has ever used. In a way, I still think of myself as her girl, even though she most likely doesn't. Nothing will ever stop me from loving her and her family. I miss them like crazy and I love them.

To her: If you ever read this, I hope you know how much I wish things were different. You are always in my heart and mind and I pray for you and your family. I just wish I knew what it was that created it....

~*~*~

Hopefully that makes sense. My head is all jumbled and my thoughts aren't coming out right. But that's what's on my mind right now.

Saturday, March 30

Everyone wants to know what’s bothering me. For once, it has
absolutely nothing to do with a guy.

First: College.

It seems like everywhere I turn someone is asking something
about it and I give them all the same answer: “I don’t know right now.”

I honestly don’t know. I don’t really want to go to college
once I graduate. I don’t even know if I want to go a few years down the road. I
really don’t have any interest in it at the moment.

Second: Music.

I love my music and that’s pretty much all I want to do. It
makes me happy and I love singing, but getting up on stage to sing in church
alone scares me. It always has.

I never use the word ‘if’ any time I talk about music. It’s
always been a ‘when’ for me. I love this quote someone once said: ‘If’ is a dream
and ‘when’ is a goal. My goal is to get into singing and I know I can do it if
I try hard enough.

Third: Siblings friends.

I’m not trying to steal my sibling’s friends, even though
that’s what they seem to think I’m doing. Yes, I like being around their
friends, but they aren't mine. I never got that ‘best-friend’ like my sisters
have, and since they have one, I’m not going to do anything to change that or
stop it.

Wednesday, January 16

See, I'm that one that believed that no matter what, Cory and Topanga would be together in the end. I thought I was, anyway. Now, I don't even think that anymore. Do you know how much that stinks? Being the only one that believes that two people will be together in the end, and they don't even believe it?

I've been there for Cory and Topanga through a lot. I was the one who first got them together, and the reason they "broke up", and then I was the go-between for over a year.

Now, they both say it's over completely and nothing with work. They're finished with each other, and by the looks of things, with their friendship too. I hate it. I want to be the best friend I can be, but it hurts knowing these two are finished.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? Where you still want to believe, but you feel like there's no hope? I still want to have that tiny hope, but I know it's over.

In the TV Series, Boy Meets World, Shawn believed that Cory and Topanga would be together in the end no matter what, and he did everything in his power to get them back together. I did and I feel like I failed, but I know I didn't. It's just growing up. And I know my two friends are growing up, whether I like it or not.

I just have to keep remembering this verse:

John 14:1a ~ Let not your heart be troubled:

And this one:

Proverbs 3:5-6 ~ Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

As long as I keep remembering those verses, I should be able to get through this. And maybe, just maybe, learn something else while doing so.

Me: It's easy. I have a character list. (Which I don't use,
because I remember their names.)

Tom: I end up changing the names half-way through, so I
never remember.

*Phones rings*

Eve: IT'S AUNTIE ______!

Everyone in the room: GIVE IT TO ME!

Eve smiles at everyone and picks up the phone.
"Hello?"

Watched a guy pretend
to ride a motorcycle though the McDonald's Drive-Thru in Houlton and order a
drink. He then proceeds to "ride" his motorcycle into a parking space
and gets off. He then walks away as if nothing had happened....

Tom: The Oak Ridge Boys? They're still around?

Me: Um... Yes.

June 8 ~ The day was not only
Best Friend's Day, but it was also Name Your Poison Day...

Monday, December 31

On this day, 4 years ago, I was sitting on my couch and staring at the wall. My close neighbor had just told me her best friend, Mary*, was the one who died in the car accident. I was shocked. I had just hung out with her 2 days before at my friend's house for a birthday party. And now she was dead.

That was one of the times in my life I felt like I had failed. I remember laying in bed that night and asking God why He let her die.Why, when she had just told me the day of the party she was thinking about what we talked about.Why He never let me see her again to ask what she decided.Why my friend had to go through this.

A few weeks later, I was talking with Mary's sister, Rachael*, who had come to pick up some of Mary's things she'd left at my neighbors house.We were sitting in the front yard of my house and she looked at me, tears filling her eyes, and she asked me, "You told me a few months ago that God has a plan for everything. Is this part of his plan?"

I remember looking at her and asking God what to answer. All I ended up answering was, "Yes."

"If that's the kind of man God is, why didn't He let us know she was going to die? Why didn't I get to say goodbye?" She asked and wiped her eyes.

"Because God doesn't always do what we want Him to do. He can take away the most important thing in our life just to prove how big He is. He has a reason for everything."

"If that's the way He is, I want nothing to do with Him." Rachael got up and left.

I didn't understand it either. Mary was only 16. She hadn't even finished high school yet. She wanted to be a nurse. She had a family who loved her.But God had bigger plans.He used that to show me that sometimes, even when we try as hard as we can, people don't listen. They'll take the chance and put it off one more day.There's just one problem with that: You might not get another day. You might be like Mary, thinking you have another day to choose, but never get it.

It's like a garden. You can plant the seeds, but you have no idea when they will sprout. Or even if they'll sprout.

Choose today. Don't take the chance. Live for Christ. You won't regret it.