all the mamas

Jan 21, 2012

A few months ago I shared a little bit of my miscarriage history during a lesson at church. I was hoping to communicate how healing the Spirit of God is and how even in the midst of my grief, I was able to be comforted.

Afterwards, a woman whom I dearly love came and gave me a hug and asked me if it would help me to know that she has never been able to have any children.

I looked at her so confused and shocked at the question. If I took the question at face-value, then the answer would have to be an emphatic NO! How could knowing that she has never been granted the desire of her heart make me feel better? It just brings more sorrow to my heart that she has never experienced motherhood. It hurts my heart that bringing babies here has to be so hard. In so many ways, it is so, so hard. Hard to conceive them, hard to carry them, hard to birth them, hard to raise them. It is hard and knowing that she hasn’t ever been able to give birth to or adopt one of her own babies just breaks my heart.

If I don’t take the question at face-value and try to read beneath the stated words, I think she might have been saying (in a kind and trying to be helpful way) that I shouldn’t be sad for my lost babies, that I shouldn’t grieve for them, and I shouldn’t talk about miscarriage because there are people who have never even been able to get pregnant at all. I shouldn’t feel badly because, for heaven’s sake, I have four living, breathing, beautiful children who I get to hold in my arms every single day.

I don’t know that that is how she meant it. I know she was trying to help me feel better. But it doesn’t make me feel better to know others suffer also and I don’t believe there is anything wrong with sharing my story, sharing my pain with others so that they might know they have someone to talk to, someone that acknowledges that miscarriage is real and can be painful and heartbreaking. I don’t want any miscarrying mama to feel alone and it breaks my heart that so many do. I want to somehow give babies to all the mamas who want them and have all the miscarriages for the miscarrying mamas so they don’t have to hurt as I have hurt. I want to relieve the pain and suffering of the world.

But I can’t.

We each have to walk our own path and learn our own lessons.

And so this night, I pay tribute to the mamas of the world. The mamas who have yearned and prayed and cried and hollered and pleaded and accepted and learned and doubted and loved and lost. All the mamas who have ever lived.

Sadly, some people do feel better knowing that others are in a worse position that they are. Maybe it is just not feeling alone, or maybe it is the appreciation it gives them for what they have, I’m not really sure. I’ve never understood the idea of making someone feel better by telling them you are worse off than they are, if anything it just invalidates their feelings.

I’m right there with you on giving babies to everyone who wants them LOL…. I think if women would share these experiences more openly, it would be easier for everyone and a lot less people would feel alone and isolated.

Exactly! I think if pregnancy, miscarriage, infertility, and all our other sorrows were talked about and shared then people wouldn’t feel alone. I can’t even tell you how many women have never been “allowed” to grieve for their unborn babies. Our society doesn’t treat it as something you are allowed to be heartbroken about.

All I know is I love people who don’t hide behind walls…who are willing to be “naked” and share their experiences. People who are willing to open their hearts. You would be one of those dear Tracy. You make the world a better place.

I experienced a miscarriage in June. I have not shared it with many people, no one knew I was even expecting. Since then I have wondered why I have not shared it. It is not as if I am ashamed or to blame, it is just a pain I needed to keep inside for a while. It has been awesome having the Lord bless me through all of it though. I always thought the trouble I had getting pregnant was my trial in life/motherhood Then that happened, a surprise pregnancy that was not meant to be. Yet the lessons and love I received from our Heavenly Father were so great. Ok, I am rambling now.

I am sorry you had to experience that and I thank you for sharing. I would not trade my miscarriage experiences because I have learned so much and learned to rely on God and trust His plan for our family in a way I wouldn’t have without those experiences. I also understand needing to keep it inside. Sometimes I just need to sit with something for awhile before I am ready to share it with others.

I’ve had my fair share (6 that I am pretty sure of. I usually miscarry before I’m even 5 weeks along) of miscarriages, too. I don’t tell anyone about them, because I always get this sad, oh-you-poor-soul face. It’s easier to deal with the fact that they happen than the pity I get. And you really DO learn to rely on God. I know that some day I will have more children, and I have to be careful not to work myself into a frenzy and DEMAND that God grants me the children he promises. I’ve been in that stage, too. But it’s a whole lot easier to just trust him and his will than to expect that he will cater to me and my desires. It’s a whole lot more peaceful, too.

Thank you for all that you stand for, Tracy. By knowing you’re a kindred spirit, it does make it that much easier.