GIVING IT TO YOU STRAIGHT

A Blunt, Bicoastal View On Love & Other Things

Things You Really Shouldn’t Ask While Dating (but you do anyway)

I’m not sure how this happened, but humans have grown accustomed to knowing EVERYTHING about a partner. As soon as you realize you want to become exclusive, your mind starts wondering who this “past *Russell” was. Is it too late to wonder why this is necessary? In my mind, it’s not. Luckily for you nosey-partners, I am blunt enough to point out a few topics which I feel shouldn’t be mentioned. DISCLAIMER: THERE ARE CIRCUMSTANCES WHEN THEY SHOULD BE MENTIONED. If your gut tells you something is off and you need to discuss these “taboo” topics, that is up to your own discretion. At the same time, if you’re dating someone whom you feel the need to constantly investigate, then I suggest you drive over to your best friend’s house and have her slap you. Because you’re dating Norman Bates.

Here is the list:

TOPIC ONE: PAST RELATIONSHIPS

You better believe I am discussing this one first. Hear me out before you line up your defense. Let’s say Russell isn’t Norman Bates. He’s an average guy with no unusual baggage. Let’s also say Russell used to date Andrea. Andrea isn’t Alex Forrest (Fatal Attraction), but a normal, pretty girl. What exactly HELPS by knowing the details of their relationship or who Andrea is? Do you need a new friend to get Pinkberry with? I don’t think so. You have Russell for that. Unless Andrea is not over Russell and still runs in the same circles as him, you don’t even need to know what she looks like. If there is nothing legitimate threatening your relationship, there is no background check needed. I know you want to do it, but it’s because you’re nosey and insecure, not because you have probable cause. I’d also like to add, most humans are masochists. We WANT to find something to create drama about. We WANT to see Russell “liking” [on Facebook] a picture of Andrea on the same day we became official so we can prove all men are scum and write a blog about it (hey!). Let’s try that again and trust Russell. While you’re at it, trust me too when I say the pay off is SO much better when you spend time thinking about how great you have it with your sexy man instead of his (questionably) sexy ex. The stress is unnecessary.

TOPIC TWO: CHEATING

I won’t be the most favorable with this topic, but let’s talk about it anyway. If you have ever cheated on someone, odds are you have already been through the emotional process which follows. The guilt, the heartbreak, the realization, and even the relief. I would hope most humans patch up that part of their life before deciding to commit to another person. Assuming Russell does not have a clinical addiction to sex, he is a typical human being capable of making mistakes (yes, even cheating). At the same time, just because he cheated on his high school sweetheart does not always mean he is a serial cheater and you’re next. My philosophy with cheating is, if someone I’m dating decides to be unfaithful, it was decided upon in that moment and by that individual. Nothing I did in the past could have influenced it otherwise because it had already passed. I am not excusing the wrongs of cheating (my exes knew better than to cheat on an italian), but merely pointing out good people mess up, too. Does that mean they’ll mess up with you? Not at all. For all you know, Russell has already dwelled and accepted his past mistake, making room to love your awesomeness and no one else’s. Ever think about it that way?

IF YOU DISREGARD MY ADVICE AND BRING THIS UP ANYWAY, I guarantee you will not see Russell in the same light. You will constantly wonder who he’s with and what his intentions are. His charm with other women (the charisma you fell for) will come off as insensitive flirting. You’ll worry yourself sick thinking you are the next “victim”. Russell will then sense your uneasiness and lack of trust, which would inevitably lead to an instability in the relationship. Give Russell’s head a break and avoid the topic unless he is comfortable to admit it. Some mistakes don’t need to be rehashed if the emotional work has already been taken care of. Again, it comes down to that T-word.

TOPIC THREE: LOVE

You could technically combine this with the first topic, but for the sake of easy-reading, let’s give it its own paragraph. Love. It comes down to the same question of why is this necessary to know? How will it help your current relationship? I don’t know about you, but being in love as a creative being is an extreme experience. We artists immerse ourselves with the tastes, movements, and sounds of this word. I’m not saying Russell has to be an artist to feel this way, but if he’s in-touch with expression, why are you going to ruin your dreams wondering how your love compares to his past loves (or muses)?! Let’s say he, at one moment in time, thought Andrea was the love of his life. This information would quickly shatter your ego when it’s no longer relevant, so why are you bringing it up? This goes for Russell’s parents, too. Stop worrying if his mother loved Andrea and wanted them to get married. Mothers love when their sons (or daughters) are happy, so if you make Russell happy, his mother will eventually see it and guess what? You will be loved by her, too. I understand humans are contradictory. We want our partners to be experienced yet have only felt love for us. We don’t want to realize at one moment in time, our extremely wonderful partner was googily-eyed for someone else with better abs. Russell is choosing to be in your presence, in your bed, in your life. I say, strive to be in a secure relationship versus being “in love”. Love can cloud decision-making and common sense. Personally, I would rather feel the strength of my heart than the fast beats of it.

Although I highly recommend going this direction, your gut is the only inclination of what you “should” do. If you’re a nosey S.O.B, you should reevaluate why you feel the need to get this dirt. Is it really your partner, or is it you? I can tell you right now nothing beats trusting someone. One-hundred-percent, good ‘ol fashioned trust can really go a long way. So do me this favor at least, and let your partner be his (or her) own person. Only then will you realize how much easier dating can really be.