A collection of stories and pictures your mother would probably frown upon.

Monday, December 02, 2013

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 95

The Time Mookie Learned To Hate "The Little Drummer Boy"Due to the fact I am short on time in part because of the holiday, AND because I was reminded of this hatred this past Saturday night...I felt the need to revisit this topic. My previous (and somewhat mysteriously similar) rant about this song can be found HERE.

I'm going to share something that my family and
a few close friends know:

I HATEthe Christmas song"Little Drummer
Boy."

Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Of all the terrible Christmas songs out
there - and there are many (I'm looking right at you "Grandma Got Run Over
By A Reindeer) - "Little Drummer Boy" is by far the worst one ever
made.

Now you are probably thinking to yourself, "Mookie, how can you hate such
a wonderful song? It is beautiful and carries the joyous story about the birth
of Jesus."

My reply is: That's great, but the song sucks and it is the most annoying
thing ever. I shall explain my reasoning.

First, a little history on the song itself.According to my friends at Wikipedia, the song
"Little Drummer Boy" (originally titled "Carol of the
Drum") was composed in 1941 by Katherine K. Davis. It became popular in
1958 after the Harry Simeone Chorale recorded it and released it again,
and again and again. The current version is credited to Davis, Simeone
and Henry Onorati. As of now it has been recorded by anyone and everyone that
has contributed to a Christmas compilation album. There is allegedly over
220 versions of this song in at least 7 different languages and different genres
of music. GOOD GOD.

As you know, the basis of the song is that a poor drummer boy was
summoned to the nativity scene to see the new King and he had no gift for the
baby Jesus. So with the old Virgin Mary's approval, the drummer boy played the
best little drum solo he had ever played for the new King. The end
result of course was that the little drummer boy's drum solo was so
awesome that the infant/baby Jesus smiled at the drummer boy. Oh, and his
drum.

Yeah sure. The baby Jesus smiled at you because you went "pa rum
pum pum pum" on your drum. Wait...I'm sorry...you didn't do it just
once....If you count the number of times "pa rum pum pum pum"
is uttered in the song, it counts up to TWENTY ONE *%#ing times. I'm not
much for repeating something that much. Do you know what I would do if my
6 year old played that on his little drum set more than 5 times? Smile? Hardly.

For whatever the reason, I can trace my deep dislike of that
song as far back as the age of 5. I remember sitting in a music
class in Kindergarten and singing that song every day for weeks. I'm
not sure if it was all the "pa rum pum pum pum"-ming or if it was
the seemingly absurdity of the lyrics like the line "the ox and lamb kept time - pa
rum pum pum pum." All I know is that I did not like the
song and my utter hatred of it has only grown since then.

I think the song finally became a true Hell for me at the tender
age of 20 when I was an "Associate" working at Wal-Mart. While that
store is a Hell in itself, throw in the fact that during the Christmas Season
(typically Thanksgiving until December 27th) the overhead PA played Christmas
music ALLday andALL night. I
worked at Wal-Mart for 6 straight Christmas seasons. In reflecting on that
time, I can honestly say that I probably heard at least
some version of EVERY Christmas song ever made up until that time.

Most Christmas songs as you know are cheery and up-tempo.
"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," "Jingle Bells," and
"Deck The Halls" are prime examples of this. Even some of the low-tempo
songs like "Silent Night," "White Christmas," and even
"The Christmas Song(Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)" are
tolerable. The song "Little Drummer Boy" is dreary as hell. The long
drawn out syllables in short sentences ("IIIIIIIMMMMMM a poor boy
tooooo") and of course the repeated "pa rum pum pum pum" 21
times is more than I can handle.

As I said before, there are over 220 versions in the world of this song.
I'm pretty certain I heard allofthem in my 6 years at Wal-Mart. In
an 8-hour shift, I bet it was played in some fashion at least 8 times. I have
yet to hear someone I like sing it and change my view on it. Johnny Cash,
Chicago, Bob Seger, and even the Brady Bunch have all tried and failed to make
the song listenable to me. To make matters worse, when I heard that Justin
Bieber has also released a version of it on his Christmas album - I almost
drove my car off a bridge. As you know, Bieber is the worst. Add "The
Little Drummer Boy" to the equation and you are talking cruel and unusual
punishment.

So you are probably thinking, "Mookie, you
are just being silly" or possibly "Mookie, you need serious
help." I whole-heartedly agree. I do need help. I need people
to help me get that song banned. It is awful. Someone needs to put a hole in the
Little Drummer Boy's drum and break his sticks. NOW.

Sadly, that song and the 6-year term at Wal-Mart caused me to dislike
most Christmas music for many years thereafter. However in recent years I have
somewhat recovered from the post-traumatic-stress syndrome caused
by the Wal-Mart/Drummer Boy Hell years and do enjoy Christmas music in
moderation. "The 12 Days of Christmas" is a somewhat horrible song but when I
hear the versions done by John Denver with the Muppets, and Bob and Doug
McKenzie, it gets me in the Christmas mood. Throw in Bruce Springsteen's
version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" with Clarence Clemons on the
sax and it is great. It makes me like Christmas again.

So these days if I get an inkling that the next song I hear is going to
be "Little Drummer Boy, you can be sure I will do everything in my power
not hear that God-forsaken song. It is a horrible and traumatizing song and it
ruins whats left of my Christmas spirit.

Just the other night I was working
my third-shift gig and some wise guy decided to play the Christmas music
station over the P.A. I knew it was only a matter of time before it happened....and
sure enough...they played it. Naturally, the lady I was working with goes"Oh this is my favorite
Christmas song." I just looked at her with a face like someone
just shat their pants. She goes "What, you don't like this song?"
With as much respect and consideration as I could muster for 3:30 in the
morning, I went:

"No. This song sucks."

She asked why, so I told her this very same story. Afterwards she
said she could understand why I felt the way I did, but I think she was just
being nice.

So it goes without saying that my fight to end the broadcast of "The
Little Drummer Boy" is one I probably won't win due to the fact that so
many people love it. BUT..if I should succeed some day, please know that"Do You Hear What I Hear"
(by everyone) and that horrible 80's song by Band Aid -"Do They Know Its
Christmas"are next
on my list of songs to eradicate. You're welcome.

Thank you for time. I now have to go back to listening to my kid on his
drum set.Pa rum pum pum pum.