Half a haircut

JeffAugust 22, 2014

Yesterday I got offered half a haircut in a salon with one customer and three hairdressers. Things have become very confusing.

When I was a kid I used to get my haircut by a guy named Wayne in an arcade near Eastland shopping centre. There were no bookings, you just went in there and took a seat. The queue moved quickly, Wayne could knock out a short back and sides in well under ten minutes. I was always happy with the result, except for the time in year 9 I asked for a ‘flat top’. Wayne battled for longer than the alotted ten minutes to try and make me look like like Vanilla Ice but it was beyond him.

Yesterday I had to go back to my old high school to perform a couple of songs for a fundraiser so I decided a quick haircut was in order. Nothing fancy, just a military style short back and sides. I found a salon on Chapel street with three hairdressers standing around and only one customer in the chair. I would be done and dusted in no time.

The girl that greeted me could not have been more shocked that I had turned up for a haircut without making a booking. She leafed through a diary with a pained expression on her face. ‘Look, I can only give you half a haircut unless you want to come back tomorrow’ she said. ‘What is half a haircut?’ I asked. ‘Well I could do the back and sides but not the top.’ she explained. I had a flashback to my Vanilla Ice disater in 1995. ‘Won’t it look like a really bad undercut?’ I asked. ‘No, no. I will integrate it. I just don’t have time to cut the top before my next appointment’ she said. The conversation went on. I could have had half a haircut in the time it took her to explain what half a haircut was.

In the end, I decided that no haircut would be preferable to half a haircut and I left. It made me miss Wayne. Wayne never said ‘I don’t have an opening until thursday at 11’. Wayne didn’t wash your hair before he cut it and then charge you an extra $25 and Wayne never sent you home with a bunch of overpriced hair care products. He may not have been able to manage a flat top but at least Wayne never left me with half a haircut.

Have guys suffered since the arrival of the unisex salon? Did you used to have a lowly barber that cut your hair? Leave a comment below.

About The Author

Jeff is a singer, comedian, writer and video producer.
In 2009, Jeff began hosting a new comedy show on Triple M called the Peanut Gallery. He also presented guest spots on Eddie McGuire’s Hot Breakfast and took over the hosting duties from Eddie over the summer break.
Jeff is the lead singer of Melbourne band Robot Child. Their debut album One More War launched in April 2014.
Jeff also produces funny online videos for companies such as QANTAS and Mother. His youtube page has had over 300,000 views.
As a writer, Jeff has had articles published in The Age Sport section, MX and on The Herald Sun website.