Random notes

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Is in my brain. Driving me nuts. I’m so confused by everything. Feel lost. Like all I do is futile.

Sometimes I wonder if everyone else is playing a game I don’t know how to play? Aren’t words meant to mean something or is it just me who believes that they always do? Am I wrong for believing it or am I missing some piece of the puzzle? How will I know?

Yes, I have trouble to identify a joke sometimes, and take it seriously when it’s not intended to be. I don’t always detect irony or sarcasm even if it doesn’t happen a lot that I misunderstand. So, I believe that words spoken (or written) to me are honest and true and should be taken seriously. Maybe that is where I fail?

I’m also easily confused if the meaning of what is said to me is not clear and to the point. So often do I find it impossible to figure out a vague message that it melts my brain to even try. If I can, I ask for clarification.

Some say actions speak louder than words and I find that to hold some truth. At least when the words and actions no longer match up.

Like when you say someone or something is very important to you and then you hardly make any time for them in your life. Of course there can be times when its impossible to find the time but not all the time. Not if they really do matter.

Or when you send messages but almost never have a reply of any kind. Then you can’t help but wonder why and also start to doubt if it means anything to the other person that you try to communicate with them. At least if there is no reasonable explanation given.

I often think I ought to ask why when that happens, but I rarely do. Somehow I think that if it really mattered the other person would reply at some point. That’s why I think asking why they don’t will probably not change anything. Except perhaps give me a reason why not.

The feeling that you might be starting to matter less to someone is hard to deal with though. Especially when it happens without any real reason. At least no reason I can think of.

Sure, I’m not perfect myself. Far from it. I make lots of mistakes and misunderstand things. All I can do is to try to learn to communicate better.

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Me again. Been living in my new home for a month, tomorrow. Things are starting to settle. I’m starting to feel at home in my new town. However, I’m never going to feel as much at home here as I used to feel where I used to live. Can’t erase all those years and I doubt I’ll live here for as long. I’d have to get to be over 100 years old to do that. Not likely.

However, (there’s that word again), I might still be able to enjoy the rest of my life.

To get some kind of ok job would be nice. I still have another 15-17 years until retirement kick in. If I live to see it happen. Before that happens I would like to have worked some more. This unemployed thing is getting way old now. Not to mention I never know what the politicians will think of next to make life more miserable for the unemployed.

In the old days, politics used to be about changing society for the better. Lately it seems to be about the opposite. At least if you happen to be at the wrong end of the pyramid. Life at the top seems to be as good as always. Life at the bottom just become more unbearable for each passing year. Yet, I know that even the poor are getting less poor. At least on a global scale.

Enough of that now, I just checked in to let you readers know I’m still around and intend to keep this blog alive.

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I’m still alive. Just not been able to update this blog for the last few months. Been busy elsewhere. Also not been in the mood for doing much writing.

Things I did has been bothering me. Recent events have been bothering me. My lack of discipline has been bothering me. Life bothers me.

I struggle to make changes to my way of living in order to feel better about myself. The things I have been looking for is not going to be found where I look for them. Probably I already knew, yet I tricked myself into thinking I didn’t one last time. Now the time has come to get up and go and leave it all behind as one last lesson learned.

So far it works pretty well. The more time passes it will be all good.

The first snow of the season came around this week. Brightened up the darkness a bit but I could still do without the cold weather. Too early for snow. Winter can wait until Spring. Still I prefer snow over rain. As long as it’s not snowing.When it is on the ground, I’m fine. As long as it isn’t too much to shovel away.

I spend most of my spare time playing video games lately. Or rather, a video game. GTA V.

First started around mid-August and now I’m at over 300 hours of playing time and at rank 90. At first I didn’t like the game much. That was while learning to control it. I was ready to throw it out but I didn’t give up and eventually I got to a point where I started to enjoy it.

Now I’m chasing the rank ups until I reach 120 (which will unlock all in-game content), then I will only play for the fun of playing.

Mainly my job is looking for work these days. Still without any progress but I keep writing my applications and look for any new places to apply to. I feel like I have already sent them to a lot of places but all I can do is keep at it.

In October one year had passed since my mother had a stroke and passed away. The day came and went and it was sad to feel the loss even more a year later. It has started to dawn on me that death really is forever. Of course I knew that but it’s not until it hits you for real that you really know how it feels.

Last month also marked my 10 years as being more or less out of work. Nothing to celebrate, but a fact.

Many times I doubt I will ever be working again. At least not full-time.

Once again, I’m here to tell you my life is a struggle. Nothing new. Same old story. Yes.

I know you think I ought to stop talking about how my life is a struggle and start changing it instead.

And I agree. If only it wasn’t true that I have been trying to change it for decades. No luck.

Have I then lost the right to write about the struggle my life is? No.

I do as I damn well please, and then I’ll sell it to the Japanese – so I can lead a good life.

Not that it is all bad to be me at all, but sometimes it sucks too much.

This past week has been very rough but I have survived. Not without a lot of pain and suffering but nonetheless here I am. Back to torment you with pointless posts like this one right here. Go and be a waiter in there!

So this week I plan to make some progress and get some fresh air into this dungeon of mine. About bloody time. Of course it could be just another false promise of mine but you’ll never know unless you stay tuned to this here blog. In fact, you might know more if you don’t stay tuned to this here blog but don’t mention it.

Plans? I’ve got lots of plans. Plans are cheap. They sell for a lot less than they cost to produce. Should be impossible but there is no end to the waste of plans around here.

Where am I going with this? Bet you’d like to know but I’m not yelling you. I’m not yelling at all. Not telling. I whisper your name in the quiet of the midnight hour. Or not. Hard to tell when I can’t hear what it is.

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MoonieZ

Welcome ! I'm the author of this blog. I write about my daily life, my interests and the world around me. Sometimes I also have a little fun with words. Just so everyone knows that not every word posted here is true.