my life has changed

Saturday, 1 December 2018

Welcome back to the blog.

You may notice a few changes here and there, I decided to give this bad boy a little fine-tuning. In fact, I've been fine-tuning a lot of the different areas of my life lately. In the recent weeks, an outsider looking in may recognize me as someone different entirely, or at least I feel that way.

There's a lot about my life that I leave off camera not necessarily by choice, but more so by assumption that they are things most wouldn't want to hear about. The "behind-the-scenes" if you will. Things like my management, learning the in's and out's of starting a business with my sister, writing books and then racking my brain on how to turn the pretty words into printed paperbacks that someone can tuck themselves into the way I did when I wrote them to life.

There's also a lot of my life I leave off camera because they are the not-so-pretty parts. The melt-downs of a general, average 20-something-year-old, the bad dates, the bad days, the working through of habitual behaviours and bad habits I've formulated as a means to protect myself from anything in life that triggers my "this is not safe" switch.

In recent weeks, I've been curious to know what life might be like if I started to challenge every belief I found myself carrying with me through-out my day to day. To get a little more curious about my own life instead of dreaming of a future one. I'm a bit dreamy by nature - and by dreamy I mean 99% of the time, my head is somewhere in the clouds thinking of the meaning of life and how I can possibly take my awe of it all and honour it by creating everything I'm brought to feel into something that creates a positive ripple. It's for this overly complicated explanation that I am horrible at answering text messages, getting back to emails right away and keeping tabs on everyday life -- to which I try and compensate for by GYST-ing (if you know, you know).

I'm airy, but while the effervescent feeling of floating on pretty dreams is nice, this year I felt the need to plant my feet on the ground. To bring all of the light down to earth and become a master at manifesting my dreams by capitalizing my quality of mind and life in the present moment.

In doing so, I ended up making the following changes:

1. I dyed my hair.

Okay, I know dye is not the technical term when it comes to changing the colour of your hair, but I feel like it's more fitting here because there is a large piece of me that died away when I rid myself of the long blonde locks. I've no longer felt the need to fit myself into an image I believed was the only way for me to be beautiful. I challenged myself to find my own definition of the term, to find a way to feel more comfortable in my skin and compassionate for my overall health. I decided to let go of the bit of me that was still acting like a girl and finally take on the idea of what it means to be to be a woman. To try something new, to play with my look.

To let this new chapter of brunette me be photos my one-day daughter can look back on and see the significant change in confidence. To drain my insecure, obscene standards of personal perfection away with the dark dye.

To do everything in my power to make myself the happiest and healthiest I can be, whether that means wearing the cute clothes I like or embracing the sound of my donkey-heaving laugh - and to trust that my intentions in doing so are not to be selfish, but so I can show up happier and healthier for others as well.

It may not have been visible through the lens, but this last year has been one of the most utterly insecure I have ever felt, and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let that insecurity win over me again.

No woman should ever feel she cannot be herself fully and fiercely, messy all the while magnificent, sassy as well as sweet, however and as whoever she is and wants to be.

That includes all woman.

That includes you. That includes me.

(That also includes all men too.)

2. I left my network.

If you don't know the in's and out's of youtube, than this may confuse you, I'll try and keep the explanation simple. Ever since my career online took off, I have been with a network. Both networks were gaining roughly 20% of my monthly income along with a higher percentage on any sponsorships I took through them. I learned so many amazing things and was brought so many amazing opportunities through being with the networks I was with - but - I was also confronted with many situations where I was left disappointed and disheartened by the disingenuous sides of this business and what it can bring out in people. I tend to be a little naive when it comes to believing the best in people, and for this reason I have been burned many, many times in my career to date. I take full responsibility for my lack of awareness and determination to learn the business myself so I could see when and where this was happening, and it was for this reason that I decided to leave my network and become a free-agent while I learn the ins and outs of the online platform I have created and decide the morale and ethic of work I want to stand for. This is also why I rarely ever do sponsorships, as my experience with them has always been one of "you are the commercial, here is what we need you to sell" - as though the number on a page or screen was a sea of mindless dollar signs rather than actual living, breathing, feeling individuals - leaving a really off feeling in my stomach.

After leaving my network, I began receiving a flood of copyright complaints and strikes against my videos. At first, I was overwhelmed. I was afraid that I had made a huge mistake leaving myself unprotected and was now suffering the consequences by losing rights to the revenue of years of hard work and dedication. I was afraid I couldn't figure it out on my own.

My heart was torn and I truly wanted to give up and throw in the towel.

Instead, I took it as a sign from the Universe to start new. So I unlisted my videos, leaving myself with a blank canvas to start over. To start over having everything I created here-on-out be strictly and solely owned and created for and by me.

Things I knew would result from this:

CONS

- a large cut in my income

- the confusion and complaints from viewers

- the videos that have possibly helped those along the way no longer being watchable

PROS

- my creative freedom

- my ability to stand up for myself

- my own sense of renewal moving forward

So I did it, but I decided to leave my playlists open so that technically, the crew could still go find and watch old videos without them defining my channel anymore.

3. I changed my game plan.

For the longest time, I've been chasing goals I thought I SHOULD be. I've been saying yes to things my gut knew to stay no to. I've been cutting myself down in order to give more than I realistically could. I've been biting off more than I can chew because I was terrified to disappoint anyone. I've been cutting corners on my health and happiness in order to get the next thing done on the to-do list. I've trained myself to believe I'm not allowed to feel down, low, confused and even happy for the life I've built. That I must always be proving myself worthy. That I must always be working towards something or for something/someone.

I've been living my life small, at an 80%, so I can avoid actually giving myself my all and risk the disappointment of a broken heart or letting myself down.

The fear of not actually being who I so badly wanted to be is what kept me from being her all together. Friendly reminder that fear is nothing but an illusion. A sense of doubt. A threat from stepping outside of what is comfortable without any proof that your faith will reap rewards.

Fear is the thief of every dream, idea, intuition and serendipitous moment that was never given the chance to breathe life to this earth and onto you.

I decided that was no way to live. To chase all these quick fixes and people please so that I could quiet the side of me that kept feeling unsafe unless I felt secure.

My security had been dwindled down to trying to follow the latest trends and morph myself into the framework of who society, mixed with my own far off assessments, told me I needed to be in order to be happy. To be perfect.

security in life = material things + approval of others

This was no longer the formula I would take with me moving forward. I decided to give my game plan a bit of a makeover. Simplify it in a way that would always make it easy to fall back on anytime I felt the confidence in myself waiver.

security in life = to do what makes me happy + to chose what makes me healthy

+ trusting my intuition to guide me through each, it always know the way long before my mind has time to catch up...

I still have no idea what I'm doing, I honestly don't even know how I'm getting paid next month for crying out loud, but what I do know is I'm not living my life the way I was a few weeks ago. I'm no longer keeping myself confined by my own fear, and the fear pushed onto me by lost souls with typing fingers or in tall office buildings.

I'm living for the healthiest and happiest version of me, the balance between earth and air.

It was this time last year, I got my fire and water tattoo... and only just now have I realized it might be time to add the remaining two elements into the mix somehow.

Thank you for keeping up with me, for caring and for carrying on your support. I'm so happy you're here, and I'm so grateful for the platform we've created that allows me to create.

To the crew, everything I strive and work towards from here on out is not only for me, but for you. Sometimes I wonder why you're here, why you care to read the words of a girl lost in the lands of maple syrup trying to navigate her way through the mess we've made of life, but I do know that I want everything I do and say to be a direct reflection of the message I'm constantly trying to send you.

To wake up and love to live your life.

To the moon and back,

K.

Photos taken by my lovely best friend who is also going through an iconic transformation - like damn it fam, 2019 is BREWINGGG.

Related Posts

71 comments:

Thank you so much for your words, for your sincerity, your authenticity. Reading your words, watching your videos make me feel so good, it inspires me. And sometimes it’s also cool when you share a bit of your problems because it makes me feel less alone when I’m feeling a bit down. I think you’re such a beautiful human being. What you bring into the world is so inspiring. It makes me want to finally take action, to do what is needed to be the person I want to be, to be happy, to stop caring about other people think and just care about what I think, to take the positive and leave the negative. Thank you so much! You help me believe in myself, believe I can make some things good. 2019 is coming and in brewing too inside me!

Hey,Kalyn! Change is inevitable. We just need to cherish it and make it a part of our life. I love how you show that we can restart at any point of time. We don't need a new year or the first of the month. You showed that to me by posting before dec 1st. I have been taking so much inspiration from you and learning to live my life in the present and not wait for the future life that I want to live. I listened to your recent podcast and it shook me. I realised how I have been post-poning my life to "when I have this or become this" and i really want to thank you for this. Your content is so meaningful and thoughtful. Thank you for becoming a part of my life through youtube.

Wow! I think i've never posted a comment on a blog in my entire life but this time i need to. You're truly inspiring and above all, really brave. Im 26 and i think im still a 'girl' (not yet a womaaaan #ifyouknowyouknow) and it encourages me to embrace the woman in me still hiding...I genuinely wish you the best for the rest of your career.From a long time viewerxx

Love this K! I’ve been following you for over 2 years and never commented or interacted, I watch videos and listen to the podcasts and read the things and you inspire me all the time! Starting over feels SO HARD. But in a few weeks time everything will be okay. Love you, keep doing you boo! x

This means everything. I have been struggling for a while deciding to quit my unhappy job at a bank, and follow my heart to cosmetology school, but fear is keeping me hostage. Fear of letting others down, fear of what people will think, fear of not having money. I love security but I’m not thriving in it. Thank you for the push to get my dreams refocused. Hello 2019!

This was the post that I needed but also one that you had no obligation to publish. I appreciate your vulnerability and and so excited for 2019 (for everything, cause damn 2019 brewing is a mood I've been feeling)

I think the hair change looks amazing and I am so glad it has made you more confident as well. I whole heartedly respect and understand your decision to leave your network and unlist your video. I have a relatively small channel myself. And I was with a network because after they first offered me to join. Originally, I was excited because I thought they saw hope in my content. Turns out they took a lot more from me than I could imagine and I left after a year.

As for unlisting your videos. That was obviously not an easy choice and even though I will miss not being able to watch the old content as easily, I can see it was the right choice for you at this point in your life. The fact that you are willing to sacrifice your income for it is amazing and truly shows that you are making videos because you want to be and not for the money. Youre an amazing authentic creator on so many platforms and I can not wait to see what the future holds!

You are such an inspiration to keep going in life! You have helped me so much in the last month to really strive for the things I want to achieve and not what others want to achieve. You are an amazing woman and I am so grateful to be one of your followers. Thank you for being true to who you are, for your vulnerability, and honesty. Thank you! ❤️

Yes girlie! #gottagomyownwayI was a bit confused when I wanted to show your videos to my friend and they were all gone all of the sudden, but it all makes sense now.Keep doing what you’re doing because you’re doing it amazingly! <3Hugs from the Netherlands

Ooh, girl I'm so excited for everything the universe is brewing up for you and everything you've got going. You've inspired me so much to feel confident and follow through everything I've dreamt of doing (I also live in the clouds most of my days) that people have told me wasn't possible. I've recently wanted to start uploading videos but scared to get in trouble for something?? I don't know. But you're so strong and independent and I cant speak for anyone else but I love the realness you bring. It's okay to be sad or upset or lost. I've never left your channel feeling anything less than uplifted.

I'm not sure what goes on behind closed doors with YouTube and the money side of it. But you are talented and will succeed in everything you want. I'm so happy you've chose to have your freedom!! Love and light,B.

Omg I love you so much, Kalyn! I wondered why your videos moved to playlists, but I am so freaking happy and excited for you and your future. I look up to you so much, and you doing this for yourself just makes me realize that I need to start changing my life for a happier me.

Kalyn! Thank you for being so honest and open. I watch your videos and read your wise written words and you give strenght and hope in them. Love your energy and vibe you have. You are truly a big inspiration and very brave woman. Thank you so very much of everything you do. We all go through things in life and reflect our decisions but the most important thing is to listen our hearts and intuition. Writing from the other side of the world, land of the reindeers and nightless nights: Sonja from Finland

I’ve been watching you for a few years now and I can tell you’re different than you use to be, but it’s not a bad thing. Obviously I don’t know you in real life, but it seems like you have grown so much as a person. And that inspires me to do the same. Thank you for being you and constantly giving me inspiration and hope. - Aubrey

Wow you‘re words resonated really deeply with me! I am so happy for you that you made all These changes and I am so excited for your content♥️ Your videos and podcasts have made such a huge impact on me! Stay as beautiful as you are inside & out. We all got your back♥️😘🙌🏻

I love every bit of what you wrote, this is so raw and so beautiful, thank you for being transparent with us thank you for sharing everything you can with us and thank you for being you. I love you deeply even though i don’t know you in real life, but i know enough to consider you as an amazing person and someone to care for and look to ♥️

This just goes to show how much you’re actually dealing with BTS. It hard to be a public figure, there’s this invisible pressure to be seen as perfect and put together. But In all honesty, I didn’t become a fan because of your “perfection”, I became a fan because of your authenticity. You’re different than the rest. Keep doing what you’re doing. It’ll all work out. Proud of you, K! ❤️

I've been following you for a couple of years now and you have been such an inspiration and relief in my life. I had no idea what was happening in the background & the fact you kept it so well hidden! I just have to say how proud I am that you let go of security & income to be your own boss. I know you'll come back bigger & stronger than ever! ��

Thank you for sharing and also having the courage to live your transformation. I think that the people like me that follow you since you started, LITERALLY; kind of now you well enough to support you, be happy for you and just admire every step you make in life because to be honest, you are one of the most admirable, pure, genuine and inpiring people on planet Earth. Love you from Spain Kalyn and happy 1st of December.

I love this and i’m Sooooo very proud of you, I’m also sorry you had to deal with what you had to deal with, but you know what that’s how you got to this point of your life, you are such an amazing young woman, keep moving and keep shining “mother moon” has you😘🍃🔮

This post was so beautiful Kalyn. Thank you for opening up to us! And girl, you are one strong woman. I admire your courage. If anything it inspires me to do the same and also learn to take more risks and live my life more fearlessly. Sending you love!

I get you. I really do. I have been in an existential crisys lately and honestly, I quit caring because it only harmed and depressed me more.... So I underatand. As for payment, try Patreon :) Seen a lot of people doing that. You can check into it at least. We are here for you and we will always be. At least online. But be glad that you have friends, an uber cute doggo, and a beautiful family :D It is worth so much more than money and youtube <3

I wish you very best in reaching all that you want and I know for sure that you will work through everything. Thank you for inspiring many many people every day, including me. Just never, never give up, and do what makes you the happiest, not what everyone expects from you. Lots of love ♥

We care about your road because while we may not face the same struggles, we feel the same way about our own! Thank you, for creating an open and honest community where I can find support and allies in my "not so good" times, where I can gain strength, confidence, and energy to move forward❤️ I can't say I have been "loyal" to your channel. But for 3 years, I have been coming back to it. Again and again, looking for help, older sister's advice, and inspiration. Thank you for making me feel safe. Somehow I know that whatever happens, I can go through it because I have you and your philosophy helps me find my sparkle and make it shine over and over again. I love you! You've saved my life multiple times! This is why we care. Because somehow you take care of all of us. You're my older sister I've never had, thank you❤️

we'll always have your back, Kalyn. i know we don't actually know each other personally, but i'm so proud of the decision you've made-- especially about your channel. that's not an easy thing to open up about, but you're always so honest to us. know that we appreciate it! whatever you need from the koze crew, we'll always try our best to provide, so don't be scared to reach out!! you've given so much to us, already <33

Been watching every video for years with much joy. Have never commented/interacted. Just appreciated great content and genuine vibes from afar. This post hit my heart though. Kalyn, you don't know me, but you have helped me so much in my life. Your videos have provided solace at times and inspiration in others for the past chunk of years. I really appreciate that alongside many others. Thank you for serving yourself and all of us by doing what is best for your happiness and energy. Bold moves. You have already risen above. Congratulations on showing up for your soul. Thank you for being great <3

I'm so happy for tou, because being aware of who you really are and of what you deserve are the most important things. Be proud of you,always. No matter what. We'll always be here for you, as your Koze Crew, as your friends. Love you to the moon and back ❤️💫❤️

I'm so happy for you Kalyn. Be always proud of you because being aware of who we really are and what we deserve are the most important things. We'll always be here for you, as your Koze Crew, as your friends. Love you to the moon and back ❤️��❤️ -Fran, Italy

"So I did it, but I decided to leave my playlists open so that technically, the crew could still go find and watch old videos without them defining my channel anymore."This was an amazing decision because I panicked when I realized what you did and I was super upset but then I calmed down and see what you really did with your videos.

This was a very relatable and so helpful with trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life for this new month. I want to do so much, but I don't want to lose myself in the process. You're doing well and I can't wait to continue on with your journey.

I just want to let you know your honesty is so very much respected, especially in this digital world. I truly believe that good will happen to good people. I’m here because you inspire me by being who you are, your words and what you stand for. Rooting for you girl

This is what i needed im in such a roller coaster and i don't know what to do or how to act all my plans faded away nothing is working and at some point i started to cave away and began to get lost again.. but somehow life guided me to you ♥ you inspire me kalyn and by that i mean you really give me hope. No words can describe how proud i am of you ♥ you Got it kalyn stay the badass most colourful soul I've ever met . I love you ❤

We get to support each other fam💞 I knew you were on the edge of waking up, which is why I started watching your very “woke” videos around May 2018. You’re waking up, not saying that you weren’t waking up before... You’re on a higher level of consciousness, a connected, socially conscious, and self aware level that most people unfortunately never wake up to in this lifetime—It’s powerful and beautiful and so are you. K, you’re a genuinely compassionate, unconditionally loving, sincerely unified, peaceful GIVER. You’re a powerful, inspirational, committed, and FREE WOMAN! You are WORTHY! 🙌 Thank you for sharing, wayseer. You are the divine feminine, a visionary leader... And don’t you DARE forget it! You’re more powerful than you’ll ever know 💪 and I can feel your source, your powerful vibrations of energy all the way here in Miami, Florida!!!! KEEP IT UP, KID💞🙏🌎

Kalynnnnn. Thank you so much for sharing this ���� I’ve made some big life changes recently and financially too and this has made me feel so much better about choosing and trying new things to make me happier even if it might be rough sometimes in the start. I know in the long run it’ll be so worth it for you and me and anyone ��

Ahh I’m so excited for your new blog! Your words just speak to me in ways that inspire me and help me to lead a happier life! You are my favorite YouTuber, and dare I say you feel like a friend! Thank you for being so real and true and putting yourself out there everyday! You truly are making a difference in so many peoples lives with your positivity and light! Sending all the hugs and love to you girl ����!

You know, you and I are the same age and you are way ahead of me in Life. You literally stand as a guide to me because of your spirit and beauty. The strength you showed this year in everything, including your relationship -is outstanding. I just need you to know that YOU GOT this! And 2019 is going to be a blast! !!!

Kay!!!😃I’m glad u r learning and taking action to allow yourself to be free from the tyranny that seem to have held you back but you work with it and still manage to let us know who it is we see sweet,bubbly, worried, big sis type human being that’s way special and I’m glad I’m here with you to celebrate this newfound victorious moment.

Never be afraid to be yourself or admit to change! change is how we interact with ourselves to get to know what we really want from life. Being happy should be what we all strive to achieve and that is no different for you. change your blog as many times as you want change the color of your hair as many times as you want, it does not matter as long as it continues to make you happy and your not harming others around you! Love you so much with all my heart! stevie.

YES. This is such an inspiration. You do you girl, and as the crew we always support you. This year was all about change for me, and just like you I'm so ready for this new chapter. It's brewing indeed... and it's gonna be a good one.

"Sometimes I wonder why you're here, why you care to read the words of a girl lost in the lands of maple syrup..."

Because you are brave beyond imagination. You're a terrific role model (I'm a 38-year-old not-vegan, and I still find so much to inspire me through your content!), your life is one of aspirations that offer magic and beauty and creativity. You're amazing, and very kind and generous to allow us glimpses into your life. Keep on keepin' on, you superb woman.

Stay strong! You got this! Btw I recently purchased Catcher. It wasn't available in paperback in India so my brother bought it for me from Australia and shipped it to me. Can't wait to get my hands on it! Perfect Christmas gift! :)

This post was very inspiring and it helped me to understand why things are changing on your yt channel and elsewhere! Looooots of love from Finland. And I have to mention that having followed you for over a year now and seeing you change and grow has helped me a lot. Atm I'm in a state where I need to make big decisions for my future and for example the books you have suggested (The Power of Now and How To Te a Badass) has made a big difference in my life. So thank you and I can't wait to see you thrive!

Kalyn, I want you to know how much of an impact you make on my life every time you post your thoughts and creativity onto the internet for us to see. I am truly inspired by who you are and I love you for being there for all of us and for yourself. Xoxo, Ariana

hey there! So, I've been a long time youtube fan and this is actually my first time stumbling onto your blog and at first I was actually kind of skeptical( not sure why) but I just finished reading this posting and I have to say I have a brand new respect for you. I think it's incredible that you had the courage to branch out and do your own thing. I know it may not mean much, but I"ll always be a fan!

I really love this post and it gave me courage to set for things bigger than I am now. I hope you´re more confident now as you have been 2018 and that you´ll just keep going, not having to push yourself and just staying you.Thanks again for this post!

I'm here reading this tonight and I'm crying. I'm not living the same life, not at all, but I'm feeling the same way. I'm trying to get back on track ... with me, what I really want instead of pleasing everyone. I'm gonna stay there, watch you grow, read your blog and do my best to change my life.