Thursday, October 03, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

91% of IRS workers have been furloughed because of the government shutdown. That pretty much just took away any arguments to get things up and running again.

A 911 operator in Arizona reportedly laughed when a man called to say his girlfriend was on fire. Apparently the operator thought he was just calling to let everyone know she was smokin’ hot.

Dating website OK Cupid allows clients to pay extra for a filter that removes fat and ugly prospects. There’s a word for online daters who remove the fat and ugly dating possibilities. Lonely.

The managing editor for the New York Times says he fears “reporting on the truth will die.” Apparently he got that idea from seeing “Reporting on the truth” listed on the first page of the Times’ obituary section.

The managing editor for the New York Times says he fears “reporting on the truth will die.” At least for newspapers. It already pretty much died everywhere else the day that cable news channels started to spring up.

The managing editor for the New York Times says he fears “reporting on the truth will die.” Apparently, if journalism can be compared to the government shutdown all the fact checkers were furloughed years ago.

A study says that knocking on wood and throwing salt over the shoulder can actually reverse a person’s thoughts that they are having bad luck. The only problem is that the recession has left people without enough money to head to the lumber yard or afford a bag of salt at the supermarket.

A study says that knocking on wood and throwing salt over the shoulder can actually reverse a person’s thoughts that they are having bad luck. The study also says that the way to prolong a run of bad luck is to buy a season ticket for the Cubs.

A report says that L.A. County leads the nation in imposing the death penalty. To which O.J. Simpson laughed and said “Yeah, right.”

A report says that L.A. County leads the nation in imposing the death penalty. Of course, in L.A. the “death penalty” is pretty much being stuck in prison without the chance of visiting your plastic surgeon for a round of Botox injections.

A study says that 21% of uninsured Americans don’t use the Internet. The other 79% of uninsured people know the only way they can ever get treatment when they are sick is to Google their symptoms.

A study says that 21% of uninsured Americans don’t use the Internet. Apparently they feel the only way they will ever need to have medical treatment is if their wife catches them looking at Internet porn or trolling for women on Facebook.

A report says that many of the wealthiest members of Congress are still taking their paychecks during the government shutdown. Apparently they need the money because without all the lobbyists around to wine and dine them every day, they are actually going to have to go out and pay for their own meals for once.

Occupy Wall Street is set to issue its own debit card. Apparently it’s for people who have no credit left thanks to the Wall Street banks crashing the economy.

A new book says that parents are the key to motivating their kids to be more competitive in science and technology. Which is sad because it’s their kids they run to anytime their smartphone or tablet stops working.

Enterprise Car Rentals is set to hire 11,000 new workers by next year. Mostly as tow truck drivers to bring back all the Chryslers they rent that end up breaking down on the highway.

Palo Alto, California is requiring all new homes to be built with a car charging station. Homes in other states have had them for decades. They are called electrical outlets.

The 1789 proclamation by President George Washington establishing the first Thanksgiving Day is set to go on the auction black. As opposed to turkeys who see Thanksgiving as the day they go on the chopping block.

The 1789 proclamation by President George Washington establishing the first Thanksgiving Day is set to go on the auction black. Which coincidentally comes at the same time thousands of federal workers are saying thanks a lot to Congress for cutting off their paychecks.

A bond fund manager says that because of the recession, low interest rates could be around for decades. The only lower interest rate is that of people who are tired of hearing how bad the economy is.

Wall Street bank CEOs met with President Obama and warned him the financial system would suffer if the shutdown and debt limit aren’t resolved. And if anyone knows what it takes to make the financial system suffer, it’s the Wall Street bank CEOs.

Wall Street bank CEOs met with President Obama and warned him the financial system would suffer if the shutdown and debt limit aren’t resolved. The CEOs say if there is another economic crash, they may have to use all their bailout money just to cover executive bonuses.

Stagehands who are paid up to $400,000 a year have shut down Carnegie Hall with a strike. Which is ironic that only the stagehands are making enough money to even afford tickets for any of the performances there.

Stagehands who are paid up to $400,000 a year have shut down Carnegie Hall with a strike. So nowadays when a child asks what it takes to be a success and make it to Carnegie Hall, their parents just need to hand them a broom.

A Burger King PR stunt has changed the name of the fast food restaurant to “Fries King”. They have recently added lower calorie fries to their menu to try to offset their more common nickname of “Defibrillator city.”

The Cleveland Indians had the highest priced playoff tickets in all of baseball, averaging $461 each. Mostly because any time there is a playoff ticket issued for a Cleveland team it becomes a rare collectors’ item.

GM is extending rebates to more employees and their family members. It’s getting so hard to attract business that they mean anyone who is employed anywhere or anyone who just belongs to a family.

The FAA has furloughed 3,000 aviation inspectors and NTSB crash investigators. Which is not a good idea because it’s hard to lay off one group without making more work for the other.

Southwest Airlines has fired a pilot who made a nose first landing at LaGuardia Airport. Apparently the pilot complained there was poor visibility because of all the extra passenger seats that Southwest has placed in the cockpit.

Caltech has topped the World University Ratings for the third straight year. Which is really good considering have you ever heard of anyone with a decent job who graduated from Caltech?

Caltech has topped the World University Ratings for the third straight year. The university has apparently sent more people to China to build iPhones than any other college in the world.

The creator of Beanie Babies admitted his guilt of tax evasion, breaking down in tears in the courtroom. To which the judge said “Quit Bein’ a Baby!”

Relaxation drinks are entering the market which promise to do the opposite of energy drinks. Don’t we already have that? It’s called “beer”.

There is a trend for young women athletes to have breast reduction surgery to get a competitive edge. Apparently having smaller breasts makes them more competitive at sports because they have fewer outside distractions, like being asked out on dates.

A study says that eye contact in certain situations can have negative results. Like when your wife is asking whose panties those are that she found in the glove compartment of your car.

A study says that a trip to the ICU may result in Alzheimer’s like symptoms for patients for a year or longer. Mostly when people have no recollection of going to the hospital when they start getting all their medical bills.

Khloe Kardashian says she is trying her best to get through “hard times” with her husband Lamar Odom, who reportedly uses crack and has cheated on her. Mostly because that still makes him the most normal person in the Kardashian family.

A jury found concert promoter AEG not liable for the death of Michael Jackson. The members of the jury were more interested in knowing who was responsible for Michael Jackson actually living to be 50.

AMC movie theaters are offering furloughed government workers a free small bag of popcorn. The only problem is they are treating it like a government program, which means it’s free but they are tacking on a $50 surcharge to actually pop the corn.

Mia Farrow says her son Ronan she had with Woody Allen could possibly have been fathered by Frank Sinatra. The best way to determine paternity would be to insult him and see if he sets up a psychiatric appointment or punches you in the face.

Mia Farrow says her son Ronan she had with Woody Allen could possibly have been fathered by Frank Sinatra. Which is hard to believe since Sinatra would never have allowed his son to be named “Ronan”.

Mia Farrow says her son Ronan she had with Woody Allen could possibly have been fathered by Frank Sinatra. Which is good news because it would mean that it’s really not his sister that Woody Allen married after all.

The Presidents Cup golf match runs through the weekend. It almost didn’t take place as House Republicans tried to furlough the event thinking it had something to do with a golf outing involving President Obama.

Detroit’s Miguel Cabrera is reportedly playing through a great deal of pain going into the playoffs. Mostly from seeing how deep he is underwater for buying a house in Detroit.

Detroit’s Miguel Cabrera is reportedly playing through a great deal of pain going into the playoffs. Not nearly as much as the Reds and Indians who are already out after one game.

United Airlines is offering to fly the Air Force football team free to play against the Navy on Saturday. The only problem is that if they got to the airport today there is no way United could get them there until the following Saturday.

United Airlines is offering to fly the Air Force football team free to play against the Navy on Saturday. Which means each team member would only have to cough up another $500 to take care of all the hidden airline fees.

Syracuse basketball coach Jim Boeheim railed against the idea of paying college athletes. Paying them on top of their scholarship could cut deeply into where the money really needs to be spent. On the coach’s salary.

Syracuse basketball coach Jim Boeheim railed against the idea of paying college athletes. What’s next, college players actually thinking that the school has a responsibility to see they graduate?

Syracuse basketball coach Jim Boeheim railed against the idea of paying college athletes. Boeheim says they get paid enough already. Like when he tips all his former players when they park his car when he goes out to eat.

LeBron James has the most popular selling NBA jersey in the world. Although many people like the Washington Wizards jerseys because of their practicality, coming with a shoulder holster already sewn in.

Raiders quarterback Matt Flynn has been demoted after only one game. Sports fans were shocked. How can you get demoted any further than being the Raiders quarterback?

A poll says that 60% of Americans would wear technology if it made them more productive. Until now, “wearing technology” was pretty much a code word for saying you were just given a wedgie.

A poll says that 60% of Americans would wear technology if it made them more productive. Although to most people, “wearing technology” means putting a digital camera on their shoe to take photos up women’s skirts.

Google has bought Flutter, a gesture recognition startup. Although it’s really not that difficult to figure out what the one finger salute is that people are showing Google after finding out about their cooperation with NSA spying.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The baseball playoffs are underway, as is the President Cup golf match. Which is great for people like me with no life who have something to look forward to through the day. Hopefully you all have my jokes to look forward to. Then you really have no life. But it still makes my day when you all send the love!