Our sainted president, TV’s Donald Trump, has announced that “We are stopping cold the attacks on Judeo-Christian values,” and there was much rejoicing.

I can’t wait, can you? Thank God we’re stopping the attacks on Judeo-Christian values. My life will be so much easier when they ban usury. I’ll have much more money to throw around every month. I know just what I’ll use it for, too. I’ll use it for the upkeep of orphans and widows, since we’re all living Judeo-Christian values now. We all will. When we let a servant go, we’ll send him away loaded over with rich gifts. We’ll sell our fields and give the money to the Apostles for the care of our poorer neighbors. We will recognize the face of Christ in the foreigner, the prisoner, the sick, the hungry and the naked, and we will care for them as Christ commanded.

From now on we’re ending the attacks on Judeo-Christian values. We’re going to treat all foreigners living among us with the same respect we treat our own selves, remembering the times when we ourselves were foreigners. There will be no more Gentile or Jew, male or female, servant or free. There will not be two sets of laws. Dreamers can stay. Puerto Ricans can vote. Racial profiling at traffic stops will be unheard of.

We’ll surround ourselves with prostitutes and sinners just like Jesus did. We’ll talk openly with Samaritans, or whomever the social outcasts of our own era happen to be. We’ll invite ourselves to lunch at the houses of IRS agents. We’ll wash each other’s feet.

When the secular government inevitably asks us to pray to an idol instead of the Lord, we’ll pacifistically refuse even if they throw us in a furnace or a lion’s den. We’ll go on refusing even if Cesar starts torturing us each to death in a new nasty way. We’ll eat raw vegetables and like it.

If someone presses us into service for one mile, we’ll go with them for two. Whoever has two cloaks will share with the one who has none. We’ll all give a little of our bread to the hungry. No more poly/cotton blends, no drinking blood, all priests have to wear linen underpants, say goodbye to kids boiled in their mothers’ milk. We’re stopping the attacks on Judeo-Christian values. It’s gonna be a blast.

*record scratch*

I’m now being told that the president was actually referring to saying “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays.” We all have to say “Merry Christmas” in business establishments now. In October.

I’m sure the Jewish half of “Judeo-Christian values” will be thrilled to hear that.