My Parents Cancelled My Wedding...

Re: My Parents Cancelled My Wedding...

It's generally not considered a "new event." For example, we had to change venues 6 months out. Did that make it a new event? Nope. Just a change of venue, and for you, a change of date.

People might feel differently in your situation, though. Generally, nobody gets the "I'm a special snowflake with a unique situation" pass, but some situations, DO qualify as "unique," and yours is not necessarily 100% unique, but a curve ball was certainly thrown, especially if any of those people were invited b/c they were people your parents wanted invited.

What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

@AddieCake I agree with you, but if we are sending out cancellation cards as @CMGragain suggested and then picking a new date at a new venue isn't it essentially a new event? I know it sounds like splitting hairs/rationalizing, and I'm not really sure I like the idea either, but if FI & I had been planning/paying for this ourselves from the beginning there is no way this would have been a 155 guest wedding.

yes and no. They technically are different events, but it is also the same wedding of the same couple in a short time span to the original date.

How many people are you cutting out? And are they family? Your parent's friends? Or are they your friends that you were more generous with the guest list because they were paying?

The reason I ask is that whilst it technically isn't against etiquette, it IS a recipe for hurt feelings and something that should be managed. It is one thing to go from a wedding of 155 to 50, and quite another to go from 155 to 120.

If they are your parent's friends, then yes, they aren't likely to care that much as they were going as guests of your parents. But if I was friends with a couple, they cancelled their wedding I was invited to, only to have it a few weeks later and I was cut out (when all of my other friends were still invited), I would have to wonder what I did to not make the new invite list. I know I can't be invited everywhere and it is nobody's fault, but I would be lying if I wouldn't be hurt. A way around this is to drastically change the event. Not being re-invited to a 20 person wedding is very different than not being invited to a 120 person wedding.

I feel like this situation should be given a pass with regard to inviting everyone who received a STD. It wasn't necessarily her choice to send those to everyone and her parents are the ones responsible for that and the change of circumstances. They should be the ones to take the heat if anyone is offended that they've been cut from the revised plan.

Thanks all. I know that they are majorly overstepping their boundaries. I haven't spoken to them at all since Tuesday of last week, not because I want to give them the silent treatment, but because they cannot wrap their heads around why FI & I are hurt, so I am not prepared to have any kind of conversation with them until it can be a productive one.

I have been starting to look at alternative venues, caterers etc...because I feel like the only way to move past this is to move forward. Here's my question: back in October my parents insisted on sending STDs to all 155 guests. Do I have to stick to the original list? I am torn because I feel like nobody on the guest list did anything wrong, so I hate the idea of cutting them out.

I think it really depends on what your plan is moving forward. Can you afford to host that many people paying for it yourself? If it's going to be held on a new day, you certainly don't have to stick to the original list. You're essentially planning an entirely different event. Send cards notifying people of the cancellation of the original event. Same day may be trickier, but still doable if the event is drastically changed from the original (now only doing courthouse with dinner at a restaurant with parents and siblings). I don't think you could go from 155 to 120 though and have a similar wedding on the same day. But ultimately, even though they did nothing wrong, they are not entitled to a wedding if you can't afford it. Just make sure you make it clear the event as originally planned is cancelled and treat this as an entirely new event. If you don't do that and just go on as if this didn't happen as far as your guests would know, and the only difference is who is paying then you will need to accommodate everyone who got a save the date. The easiest way to do that is scale back the event and change the time so it doesn't fall over a meal time and have a cake and punch reception.

As an aside, I'm still confused how your parents would even know or be able to surmise your fiance isn't doing enough if you aren't living together with them...unless you are sharing these details with them. If that's the case, then I would stop that. Would I mention to my mom that my SO got laid off? Sure, most likely. But I wouldn't mention if he's depressed about it, or having a hard time motivating himself, our going over what his plans are. That's between you and him. Not you and him and mommy and daddy. Just how are they able to get that kind of an impression if you're not living with them? I'm certainly not siding with then...their reaction was horrible but it seems like there is some sort of a deeper problem of being too involved and potentially you being the gatekeeper to let it be that way.

FI and I are looking at a venue that we loved from the beginning...it has a max a capacity of 120 (which doesn't mean we would have to fill that but we certainly can't overfill). The new venue would be in a different state and the wedding would most likely be months after the original date.

We are both much closer to a lot of our friends who are on the list than we are to family members but I think cutting family members could lead to some big hurt feelings so I'm not really sure what we'll do in the end. If we cut down the list I think we would make really drastic cuts (chop it down to 50-75). I don't want to just un-invite my parent's friends. That feels spiteful to me.

I agree with @AddieCake that generally I don't think canceling a venue or a date would get somebody off the hook, but personally, I think this is a situation where, if I had been a causal guest (like a co-worker or classmate) who was originally invited, and then found out your story for why you had to cancel your original date and knew you had to downsize the wedding dramatically, I would not be offended by not being invited to the new date. But that is just my personal take. It doesn't make it good etiquette, so I would turn to the other ladies for confirmation on what to do.

I also feel that any guests who were really invited for your parents' sake rather than yours could probably not be re-invited (or whatever the appropriate terms is -- left invited?), since it is likely if they are your parents' friends, they may be taking your parents' side on this. I would personally not want to host people who may be disapproving or gossiping about my wedding.

Do you know what date you might move the wedding to? I know when my fiance and I first planned on getting married, we weren't sure if our parents would be helping host or not. One of the original plans was looking at renting a covered picnic area at a nice park during late spring/ early fall which could hold around 50- 75 people. There were a few that had electricity available, even, so we could have set up a speaker and done a first dance. We would have found a local caterer to bring in something like baked chicken and sides. Got a bunch of jugs of lemonade and water, and a bunch of cupcakes. It might not have been the fanciest affair in the world, but I think it would still have been fun in its simplicity, and would have been within our personal budget to save for and host.

FI and I are looking at a venue that we loved from the beginning...it has a max a capacity of 120 (which doesn't mean we would have to fill that but we certainly can't overfill). The new venue would be in a different state and the wedding would most likely be months after the original date.

We are both much closer to a lot of our friends who are on the list than we are to family members but I think cutting family members could lead to some big hurt feelings so I'm not really sure what we'll do in the end. If we cut down the list I think we would make really drastic cuts (chop it down to 50-75). I don't want to just un-invite my parent's friends. That feels spiteful to me.

I think if you truly cut down the current list by at least half, you will be ok. Might still be some hurt feelings, but the guest list will have been considerably cut back from its original list. When moving forward with creating a new guest list, invite in circles. So all aunt/uncles and first cousins, but no children of first cousins.

And if your parent's friends are on the list, they would be the first people I cut unless I knew them personally. Cutting your guest list will be hard, but those people will make it easier for your to keep the people you truly want there. If your parents get all butt hurt by that you just calmly explain that crafting your current guest list was difficult but that you could only invite x number of people and it was more important to have friends and family you know and love attend.

Also, do not B list anyone. Invite your max amount of people at the same time (expecting 100% attendance) and don't send out another round of invites if you get any declines. That is rude. Not saying you were planning to do it, but more of an FYI.

What about your FI's side? Was he inviting anyone who is going to not understand your situation and be hurt if they are not invited to the revised wedding? Don't forget to factor this in when deciding who to cut.

FI and I are looking at a venue that we loved from the beginning...it has a max a capacity of 120 (which doesn't mean we would have to fill that but we certainly can't overfill). The new venue would be in a different state and the wedding would most likely be months after the original date.

We are both much closer to a lot of our friends who are on the list than we are to family members but I think cutting family members could lead to some big hurt feelings so I'm not really sure what we'll do in the end. If we cut down the list I think we would make really drastic cuts (chop it down to 50-75). I don't want to just un-invite my parent's friends. That feels spiteful to me.

In no way is it being spiteful, at all. You and FI are now the hosts of the wedding, you should invite YOUR nearest and dearest.

Darlin, I have been reading your posts and I just feel awful about the guilt you feel over this, when you shouldn't. Let me take a wild guess here, your parents are big on guilt trips? You've spent your entire life apologizing and constantly trying to make things up to them and it's never good enough? Please stop letting them control your emotions, you've done nothing wrong, THEY DID, do not let them make you feel guilty for THEIR actions.

1. Cancel your planned wedding. This means that you send a notice out to everyone who received an STD. The end. Over. Do not give any explanations. Leave that to your parents.

2. Now you pick a new date and plan a different wedding. It is a completely new event. Since you have cancelled your previous wedding plans, you are not obligated to invite anyone at all. It will help if you can keep your new plans small. If you have a wedding for 300 people, there would be some talk, but if you have a small wedding, it is fine. You are not un-inviting anybody. You cancelled the wedding. The word will get out about how your parents acted, and they are the ones who will have mud on their faces. Let them do the tap dancing and explaining when their friends ask them what happened. Do not explain, yourself. Just refer any questions to your parents. They made this mess - they can deal with it!By the way, this also applies to your bridal party. You can start from scratch.I came very close to doing this when my families were fighting over my own wedding, 39 years ago.

To me, it makes perfect sense that once you officially and formally announce that the wedding formerly planned is canceled that anything after that is a whole new event.

Agree with PP's that it will certainly be less awkward the more you can differentiate the new event from the old- significantly smaller guest list, different date, different venue etc.- but I don't think any of this is technically required from an etiquette perspective.

I have a question that's honestly just curiosity, OP- what do you think your parents honestly expect to be the result of them pulling the plug on funding your wedding? I'm assuming they know your financial situation well enough that it's obvious you will not be able to afford to go ahead with the wedding as planned on your own dime, so I'm wondering if they are going to be surprised that you are planning to go ahead and have a wedding within your own means or if they're thinking you'll not get married at all now. What is it that they even want- do they wish you two would break up, or just not tie the knot?

Good luck OP- I'd be furious with my parents if they did this and honestly I'm not sure I could continue to have a relationship with people so critical of my FI's apparently reasonable life choices.

@themosthappy91 When FI lost his job my parents wanted us to postpone the wedding until things were more stable/FI was out of law school. When I didn't pull the plug they did it. I'm not sure what they thought my reaction would be, and honestly I haven't told them yet that we are planning the wedding on our own, partially because FI is hoping they will come to their senses, but also because we are still in the "looking around" stages and I haven't actually spoken to them (beyond a few text messages) in a couple weeks now.

I really would like to get back to the place where we can have a good relationship again, and the consequences of this are so big that I am still wrapping my head around it.

Thanks all. I know that they are majorly overstepping their boundaries. I haven't spoken to them at all since Tuesday of last week, not because I want to give them the silent treatment, but because they cannot wrap their heads around why FI & I are hurt, so I am not prepared to have any kind of conversation with them until it can be a productive one.

I have been starting to look at alternative venues, caterers etc...because I feel like the only way to move past this is to move forward. Here's my question: back in October my parents insisted on sending STDs to all 155 guests. Do I have to stick to the original list? I am torn because I feel like nobody on the guest list did anything wrong, so I hate the idea of cutting them out.

Firstly can I said I have nothing but sympathy for your current situation OP.

Just out of interest, are many of these 155 guests are your parents?

If you send out a card, like @CMGragain&nbsp;has suggested above, saying that the wedding will not take place as planned and replan the wedding on a different date, then NO you do not need to stick to the original list.

Like PPs have suggested, reassess your wedding priorities together with FI and set a new date, a new budget and a new guest list. In a way you may find you enjoy the planning more as the only people that can control it will be you and FI.

I agree with @LondonLisa that maybe they can't afford the wedding any more so are using this as an excuse to back out. It's pretty shitty though, especially if they were the ones to insist on sending out STDs to everyone!

Me and FI had a similar situation (job loss and subsequent depression) several years ago so I know the important thing right now is to support your partner through this time. My FI has a great new career now and because of this we are able to afford the wedding our our dreams from our own funds.

To me, it makes perfect sense that once you officially and formally announce that the wedding formerly planned is canceled that anything after that is a whole new event.

Agree with PP's that it will certainly be less awkward the more you can differentiate the new event from the old- significantly smaller guest list, different date, different venue etc.- but I don't think any of this is technically required from an etiquette perspective.

I have a question that's honestly just curiosity, OP- what do you think your parents honestly expect to be the result of them pulling the plug on funding your wedding? I'm assuming they know your financial situation well enough that it's obvious you will not be able to afford to go ahead with the wedding as planned on your own dime, so I'm wondering if they are going to be surprised that you are planning to go ahead and have a wedding within your own means or if they're thinking you'll not get married at all now. What is it that they even want- do they wish you two would break up, or just not tie the knot?

Good luck OP- I'd be furious with my parents if they did this and honestly I'm not sure I could continue to have a relationship with people so critical of my FI's apparently reasonable life choices.

I wouldn't be that surprised if they expected the couple just to cancel the whole thing. Like they said they "were no longer behind the marriage".

Clearly your FI going back to school to try to get into law school, in which he has a possible job at a firm afterwards, is VERY irresponsible! *sarcasm*

I'm glad to hear you and your FI will continue with your plans for marriage, on your own. Going with what CMGragain has said, host what you can afford, and I would definitely not invite the guests that your parents had invited. You do not need to feel guilty about this. If the sole reason they were invited was because your parents were hosting, then they definitely don't need an invite as the hosts have changed!

I would send your parents an invitation, but beyond that I would not share any wedding details with them, and definitely do not accept their offer if they come back and offer to host again.

Good luck in all this- be supportive of your FI and things will get better

Few days late to this but I also just wanted to lend my support to you and your FI! I agree that the best course of action is to send cancellation cards to everyone ASAP, and then proceed with your new wedding plans on a budget & timeline that works best for you as a couple.

I would strongly urge you to avoid getting sucked into your parents' drama again! If / when you start to get questions from guests of the cancelled wedding, simply refer them to your folks. Anything either side says will be seen as snarky trash talk to the other side, so it's best to say nothing at all. Do not keep your parents in the loop about your new wedding plans. They'd likely take the fact that you're moving forward as a big "F U" (which they should, but it'd mean more fighting). I do not advocate lying, but I suggest keeping things vague and changing the topic if they try to bring it up. Send them an invitation 6-8 weeks before the event, as you would any other guest.

My mother is a financial planner, and front her standpoint he should already have an established career and be thinking about retirement, not taking on more schooling/debt, and while I get that taking on more debt is not ideal, we have both been saving what we can, we both have IRA/401Ks that we are making it a priority to contribute to, and there's only so much one can plan for before you just take it day by day.

I get your mom wanting her kid to be in a settled / stable financial position from an early age (don't we all), but having an established career by your late 20s or early 30s simply is not the case for most members of our generation!! Times have changed and your world is not the same as hers, or her clients'.

You and your FI sound like driven, hard-working people. I wish you both the best.

Also late to the ballgame here... OP - This is one for the budget boards... IMO - yes, send out cards that say "Due to unforeseen circumstances B&G will not be getting married as planned on __Date__" ... That said - if the 155 guests were your and FI's choice (not dictated "This person because they babysat you when you were two and just love weddings!") and you still want to host them all, you need to think pound smart and penny wise and could skip the above cards that just add cost. First, yes, you can keep your original date, people plan funerals in less than a week using many of the same vendors (Officiant, caterer, hall, florist). Next, the meal, nothing says you need to have the Filet Mignon, all caterers offer a "chicken & ham" option that is basically their budget meal. The hall we used for my parent's 50th had an $8 spaghetti/pasta buffet as an option, they also had linen service for $3/pp, but provided disposable table coverings/paper napkins to get the job done free of charge (that saves you money!). As for venue, there's nothing wrong with your local KC Hall, Lion's Club, Community Center, etc. It's what YOU bring to the day!

Invitations: Kit from the clearance aisle at Walmart or the office supply store, or better yet, folded 8.5x11 sheet of paper in an envelope that you run off on the copier. They're all going to get tossed in the trash except for 10 of them, it's a good place to go simple.

Dress: David's has a clearance rack! If you measure properly you can order from online and go (I know I know, it's not the same, but if you know what style looks great on your body, this can be done at a HUGE cost savings).. As for FI - a basic suit from JCP, Kohl's, Burlington Coat Factory, or believe it or not, Walmart will get the job done at about the same as what a rental would be and this way he'll own it for future use/interviews if he doesn't own one already.

Flowers: $100 budget to your favorite local florist, tell them what you need for you, FI, and if you have BM & GM (a single-stem for the BM and cut-off for a bout will get the job done, no need to spend $$$$)... Give them the budget and the list, possibly a color, and most of all be flexible! Or, you could order a wedding kit from FTD, Sam's Club, Costco, etc. that is already done and you just need to chop the bottoms off the flowers and you're good to go.

Cake - Sam's Club, Walmart, and Super Target offer wedding cakes and their whipped icing option makes a good flavor profile (especially chocolate on chocolate!). Be aware though that you'll need to pick the cake up and transport it to your venue which I highly don't recommend, but at the end of the day, it satisfies the "wedding cake" and saves you a ton of money. Be aware though their portions are tiny by comparison to standard serving charts so you'll need to order about double to get it up to a traditional 1x2x5 slice... You don't get much design flexibility, but you do get a decent cake for an affordable price. Things like the add-ons and delivery/risks are why they're cheap by comparison to using a traditional bakery. Or, you could go for a dessert buffet instead with a small "cutting cake" as one of the buffet options and just hit the freezer case for pies, treats, etc.

At the end of the day though, there are only three things you need to get married 1) Someone willing to marry you... 2) Someone to perform the ceremony... and 3) a license... The rest is all window dressing and gravy. DIY typically does not save you money when you add the value of your time and the nickels and dimes. The moment you invite guests, they need to be hosted properly. A "Cake & Punch" reception is entirely acceptable if that is all you can afford as long as it's not over a meal time and you're making sure to take guest comfort into account (i.e. no outdoor wedding in the summer in Texas, nor winter in Michigan, ample indoor plumbing, accessible to handicap guests) no matter where your venue! With money comes strings as you've learned the hard way, they canceled the vendors, not the wedding, that can only be decided by you/FI. I agree that there is something much bigger going on here with the parents, but you're both old enough that it's time to take a breath, shake it off, do not involve your parents in the wedding planning, and if you're committed to eachother, move forward with the wedding. Also, premarital counseling of some sort is important given the dynamics you're dealing with because this will show its ugly head again in the future. Plan the marriage, it's more vital than planning the wedding!

Wow! It'd be very awkward to send that postcard out! I feel like that would invite questions from people more than a more simple card like outlined above. I'd go with Vistaprint too, they are cheap and you don't need anything fancy.

You can buy blank notes with enveloped very inexpensively from Hobby Lobby or Michaels, and then print the message inside the cards.Yeah, that cancel the wedding postcard design is waaay bad. This is not something that you should joke about.

You can buy blank notes with enveloped very inexpensively from Hobby Lobby or Michaels, and then print the message inside the cards.Yeah, that cancel the wedding postcard design is waaay bad. This is not something that you should joke about.

It's not so much joking about it as that one is pretty cheezy... And besides, the parents cancelled their part, not the bride & groom - wedding is still on unless they split up, whether guests are invited hasn't been elaborated on by OP...

I found some really nice cards on VistaPrint. On one side I have the wording @CMGragain suggested and the other side is blank. The thing is my mother has apparently been telling people that FH & I made the decision to postpone, which has led friends/family to believe that we have separated.

Is there some sentiment I could put on the card like: "the couple Thanks You for your continued love & support" something to make it clear that we are in fact still together?