It's Not Brad Pitt's Fault

22/10/2012 12:57 BST
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Updated
21/12/2012 10:12 GMT

We've all seen the latest Chanel advert starring Brad Pitt, as he waffles about love and fate whilst taking home $7 million. The internet is awash with confusion, and nobody seems any more likely to buy their products than before. It seems baffling that for such a high-end brand, starring one of the world's biggest movie-stars, how could they have gotten something that on paper reads so right, so wrong? It seems that when it comes to advertising on television, those in-charge seem to choose the most unlikable characters possible to grace our screens in order to flog their products.

It's not all Brad Pitt's fault, but how do these executives remain in employment once the campaigns have finished? These personas portrayed on-screen by all manner of actors and moonlighters induce a hatred so fierce within myself that I generally refuse to ever considering buying the company's products ever again. All because of one person, I'm boycotting your brand. Straight away I bet you think of anyone in a webuyanycar.com advert. Or anyone who has appeared in an Iceland advert, ever. So, without further ado, grab a stress ball and start scrunching, because here's my the three guys on television adverts who really get my blood boiling.

Hola! In third place, it's this guy. I'm sure we all cower at the thought of the day BT decided to launch their new Infinity range and decided to market it to the type of people who could fall into a barrel of nipples and come out sucking their own thumb. Not even the pretty girl flatmate (played by Rebecca Night who once got her tits out in Fanny Hill) can save Simon from being television's most hated man right now. How can the exchange students tell that you have a good connection just from the strength of your WiFi signal and if they could pick up your WiFi from their flat why do they have to be in yours? I HATE YOU.

Scientists of the world are quivering in their boots thanks to number two, who ironically looks to be doing a lot of number ones, as Volvic totally forget to tell that this lad that everybody already knows that drinking any water is good for you. Secondly, unless you're a complete buffoon, most people know you're supposed to consume around two litres of water a day. I'm actually worried I've offended any buffoons now, as people have been doing this for hundreds and hundreds of years. Yet, for some reason, thanks to the volcanic rocks in his water, Jimmy has now taken up being a massive cunt and also seems to now play baseball and in doing so, has made sure I still buy Evian.

As a side-note, the award for the biggest group of judgmental tossers on British television adverts right now must be the smug, middle-classed wankstains who openly sneer at the Doritos Mariachi band as they walk in to their kitchen, only to then dance along to the music. Doing that because you're eating crisps and letting out little yelps is not going to you or anybody else cultured. There's also awards for anybody who has been in an WKD advert and of course, these little muppets. C'mon?NO FUCK OFF, JUST FUCK OFF.

Yet given all the twats in the world of television, it's impossible for any of them to usurp this one. "You know the one, you buy one, you get one free, I said..." strikes fear into me every time I hear it, yet the company have stuck by this guy since 1999. Which means, for thirteen years, Jeff 'The Window Man' Brown must have had something terrifying in possession to blackmail the owners of this double glazing firm with. Is he dressed as a pirate or is he dressed as Henry VIII? Who fucking cares. Either way, I'd like to see him dressed in one of his windows after being smashed through them - then we can see how safe they really are.

"IF YOU BUY ONE YOU GET ONE FREE, YES I SAID IF YOU BUY ONE YOU GET ONE FREE. FOR EVERY WINDOW AND DOOR YOU BUY ILL GIVE YOU ANOTHER ONE ABSOLUTELY FREE!"

In a world of "LOL YES M8" where stupidity usually helps create phenomenons such as the Crazy Frog advert (which produced a spin-off UK number one single for four weeks running), there factually isn't a single person who finds this bald-headed-mullet-defying-loudmouth entertaining. Despite this, Safestyle have produced nearly 500 TV and radio ads, meaning that this guy has made at least, er, £500 from these adverts. Worse still, he's also employed by Burnley FC as a tannoy announcer. Yes, you heard right: he's actually given something to speak into that makes this guy sound even louder. I'd just love to ring and give him some bad news.