We’re all pretty aware by now that there’s been no love lost over the years between Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. So it’s no surprise that, in a forthcoming autobiography (which, in the illustrious tradition of celebrity memoirs, I’m sure he totally wrote himself), Richards has a few less-than-lovely things to share about The Rolling Stones lead singer. Among the most memorable are his nicknames for Jagger – the diva-esque “Brenda” and “Her Majesty” – and the fact that Richards hasn’t entered his bandmate’s dressing room in more than 20 years (the ‘80s being the period when he began to find Jagger “unbearable”). He goes on to take aim at more than just the size of Jagger’s ego, stating that longtime former girlfriend Marianne Faithfull told him she’d “had no fun with [Mick Jagger’s] tiny todger,” and writes, “I know he's got an enormous pair of balls – but it doesn't quite fill the gap."

While the stuff about Mick Jagger’s penis is obviously quite serious and important, one of the more hilarious excerpts includes Richards’s admission that he didn’t recognize Johnny Depp until he’d been hanging out with his son for years because – wait for it – he thought he was a drug dealer. You know – just a random, unidentified drug dealer hanging around your house all the time for years, which is a totally normal thing and not something you would maybe want to ask someone about. Classic Richards:

“It took me two years before I realized who [Johnny Depp] was. He was just one of my son Marlon's mates, hanging around the house playing guitar. I never ask Marlon's mates who they are because, you know, “I'm a dope dealer.” Then one day I was at dinner and I'm like, “Whoa! Scissorhands!””