September 28, 2015

Tonight I marked a goal as accomplished. I climbed the Mac incline. Just once, but once was my goal so I feel good. Really good. It's 200 steps up, up, up. I thought I was going to die there for a bit. Like my heart was going to come pounding out of my chest. But I stuck with it and got 'er done. The climb took me a little over 20 minutes. At the top they have a few chairs, which I was thankful for. I caught my breath and then it was time to head down. Kenzie and her friend, Bailee, joined me and I was thankful for the moral support. I pulled up the caboose, but not by much.

All told, it took about 40 minutes round trip, including our break at the top. I was seriously, so so happy to reach the pinnacle. It represents so many things to me right now.

Some of you know, some of you don't, but I've been dealing with some pretty serious health issues as of late.

In March I had an "attack" after eating a bratwurst. Boy how I love my greasy sausage. The attack was such that I wound up going to the hospital at 2am. Conclusion? None reached. They took blood. They did an ultra sound. They ruled out gallstones. In the end, they gave me pain relief and then after about 4 hours, sent me on my way. Later that day the pain subsided and I didn't think much of it again. Until early this month. When I ate another bratwurst. (Hmmmm, perhaps you shouldn't eat bratwurst...) And had another attack.

This one didn't subside for nearly 10 days. Not full strength, but painful none-the-less. And I couldn't eat. Anything. But broth. And Jello. No joke. -9 pounds in 10 days. Whoot whoot. Not so much. I made an appointment with a gastroenterologist. Because I had fear.

I'm not a worry-wart, or a doomsday'er. I don't believe that we are predestined for any particular outcome. But I'm also a realist. My mom died of pancreatic cancer. After 20+ years of digestive issues she used to call "Diverticulitis". All sorts of foods would set my mom off. In pain. For days. After a while we just chalked it up to mom having a "gentle" system. Until she got really sick. And didn't get better. And ultimately died. I learned a lot about the pancreas during that time.

I learned that the reason people die from it is because it's not an organ that signals pain. Often the pain that does present is located in other areas that throw off the docs. For instance, this round my pain was on the left side. Where there aren't many organs residing. By the time they narrow down the problem it's advanced to stage 4 and then it's not very treatable. The success rate at stage 4 pancreatic cancer is something like 1.8%, and that's with a 5 year morbidity prognosis. Grim stuff.

Anyway. I went in to this appointment equipped. I want to talk about my pancreas. No, I don't drink. No, seriously, I'm not an alcoholic. My mother died for Pancreatic cancer, and I understand there can be a genetic component. The doc was great, and listened with full attention. The doc asked me a lot of questions. Things I hadn't thought about. Food for thought, so to speak. Next steps, we ordered blood work, and a CT. Just in case.

I did the blood the next morning, and the CT in the afternoon. Results were back the next day. Dr. Fairbanks was stumped a bit. My Lipase (blood work specific to the endocrine system/pancreas) was only at an 11, on a scale of 0-60. Ordinarily not another thought would be given to the pancreas, except for the CT results. Which show that in fact, my pancreas is inflamed. Go figure. More testing. Still going through the testing now.

So, things have begun to change, all at once, and radically. My eating for one. Low-fat, lean meats. LOTS of vegis. And the weight is falling off. I'm even tracking my eating in weight watchers just to make sure I'm getting enough nutrition during the day. Trying to eat the points I'm allotted. Some days that's easier than others. Yesterday, I felt great. All my points, plus a few bonus points. Today, I'm down 14 points and have no more appetite.

Frank gave me the go-ahead to build a home gym. So I am in the process of doing that. I've ordered the treadmill of my dreams (z11) and a Bosu. I'm about to order dumbbells and a weight bench. And then I took a really big step. Saturday night I did a search on Castle Rock personal trainers. I want someone who is willing to work with me in my home gym. A service came up called Thumbtack. It's a place where you can specify the kind of professional you are interested in and within 24 hours you get information and quotes from professionals meeting those needs. And bingo, I got a great hit.

A gal named Laura Hancock who owns Essence Health & Fitness, a private gym here in CR. We connected on Sunday and chatted for a bit. And she got me. Once an athlete, I tend to go all out when I try to get back into working out. I do it with a vengeance. With a streak of perfection not to be touched, until I slip up. The slightest little bit. Then it all comes crashing down and I quit. She had my number. She is of the same background. We talked about my goals and my condition. We meet in person on Wednesday to determine if she is in fact, the right trainer for me. She offered to meet me 50/50. If I would come to her gym (about 10 minutes from my house) to do my regular trainer based workouts, she (or one of the other trainers I may work with) will come to my home gym when my program changes so I know what to do at home on the days I'm not in her gym. Deal. I can live with that.

I have big goals. And a huge amount of weight to lose. If I want to get into the stupid "healthy weight zone" on that stupid grid they came up with in the 1950's or so, it would mean a total weight loss of 120 pounds. I'm not insane. That's not my goal. At my healthiest, fittest, and at 9% body fat in high school I was 151. And it was a bear to maintain even then. And I was working out 2 hours before school and up to 3 hours after school most days. Insane.

I would like to hit about 175. I think I can comfortably maintain that and I think it's doable for me to reach it. But that will be a total loss of 95 pounds. Holy smokes. I'm down 14 from where I started less than a month ago. It's not the best way to lose weight, but I'll take the jump start. Now that I'm eating my loss has slowed to 2-3 pounds a week, and I anticipate it will slow further here in the next week or so as I continue to eat balanced, healthy portions.

This is something in my control. I can't change my genetics. But if this is what is going on, I will do everything in my power to fight. Now, when I'm still young and pretty healthy. As heavy as I am I have no co-morbidity. No high blood pressure, no full-blown diabetes, no high cholesterol. None of the things I should have. I've maintained a weight in the morbid obesity range for something like 13 years now. And I've gained 20 + in the last 2 1/2. Stress on the job and sitting on my butt most days and eating whatever, whenever I wanted will do that to a person.

Like I said, I don't believe our path is predetermined. I think it's a matter of what path you choose to take that will lead to a natural outcome. Some better than others. I choose the path of health. I know there will be a LOT of hurdles in my way. A LOT of obstacles to over come and push through which is why I'm sitting here writing tonight. I want something to come back to. Something to read when the clarity I have in this moment becomes foggy. I want to remember that I determine my fate. That I am in control of my choices and the path I walk. And I am not alone. Frank is super supportive. My kids are supportive. My friends are supportive. And now, hopefully, my trainer(s) will be supportive. I have a great doc who I trust. And the beginnings of a game plan. I am on my way.

Walking up that incline was so cathartic. One step at a time, even when I thought I couldn't do it, even when my heart was beating faster than I could catch my breath, I kept putting one foot in front of the other. 10 steps, 40 steps, 80 steps, 180 steps. The top. I just didn't let myself stop. And by going forward I found success. Every little success counts. It will be the same in this journey. One step at a time, forging ahead. Check back in from time to time as I journey back to health.

March 26, 2014

Well, so I "bit". I purchased a fit-bit today. Something to track my movement. I sit on my butt most of the day at work. A few times a day I make sure I get up and walk around, but literally, I could sit all day and not move at all if I didn't want to. Not so good. I found that fitbit connects with Spark People so I signed back up to use their tracker. And, for my first day there, I did, well, great. Right in the eating healthy guidelines. Even with chick-fil-a for dinner. I just selected the grilled chicken sandwich and I'm amazed at what a difference that made. And a diet coke rather than a regular, full-octane version. Small changes will make big changes happen soon enough.

It's Wednesday, so back to the gym for me tonight. I have a much better attitude about it than I did last week. Good thing. There's nothing worse than fighting a bad attitude on top of being tired. I'm working out after work, and after dinner rather than first thing in the morning. It's just a pain to take everything with me, to shower and get ready at the gym before work. I just don't like it. I think if I had time to come home and get ready I would feel differently. But, right after a workout I'm all flushed red and sweating and even after a shower it takes me a while to cool down. Meantime I'm trying to do my hair, which just falls around my face. Not pretty.

At least at night I don't care how I look after. I've got no where to go but home.

I can't wait for fitbit to arrive. I think it will be interesting having a constant reminder to get off my butt and move. And it will be interesting to track my sleep patterns as well. I bought the bright lime color. I like bright colors, turns out. And I won't be able to ignore it. At least, that's my thought.

I have several goals I want to hit this year. I'm not ready to share them here just yet. Still formulating the steps to how I will achieve them, but suffice to say I'm in a good spot mentally. Now to stay here! That's the challenge, isn't it?

August 08, 2013

I'm awake. It's a little after 5am -- my intention this morning was to get out there and walk, but it's still pitch black out. I mean narry a speck of sunlight in the sky. Turns out sunrise isn't until 6:06a today. Think I could have looked into that before going to bed last night? Probably. But that's not my style. Spur of the moment kind of girl. I thought to go to the gym when I saw how dark it was, but I have nothing packed to get ready there and Frank is still sound asleep so I can't exactly go rumaging through our bedroom right now. Sheesh. Well, I'm bummed. Probably just go into work early and take my walking shoes with me in case it's nice like it was yesterday minus the rain. I can take a noon time walk perhaps.

Kids are almost back to school. They have their supplies, clothes and schedules. Just waiting for the day to arrive. Jake has had his first working experience this year. Thanks to Deanna, Eyan's mom, it's been in a law office working on a client database clean up. He's bored to tears but likes the check -- now he understands working and why it's so important to do something you like, if not love.

In other news, we've discovered that Rocky Mountain Children's hospital has an orthopedic clinic that caters to Jake's covex chest issues and that there is actually a brace he can wear that will reconform his chest while he continues to grow. It works like braces actually. It is a compression brace that will add steadily increasing pressure to the bone that protrudes until it begins to flatten. Then he wears a "retainer" like brace for a few years to make sure the bone is going to remain in place. I was so excited. And Jake found this on his own. The brace anyway -- we researched until we discovered Rocky Mtn Children's is the only place for 1800 miles on the West coast that has a program using it. They only have appointments every other Friday at the clinic -- we'll be calling today to get ours. Keep you posted.

April 25, 2013

So I started working with a trainer about a week and a half ago. I am so glad I did.

I've worked with trainers before. With some degree of success. Generally I went to them for the physical push. But this time, it's more about the mental push. I was stuck...mentally. Feeling week and fat and tired. I needed someone to talk me through it and remind me that though my body isn't strong yet, my mind is. That I control my thoughts, that I decide to push through or relent. So though Amy is pushing my body in ways I didn't think it could move anymore, she is really helping me check my attitude! And for that I am thankful.

In 1987 I trashed my right knee in a cycling accident. By the look of the scars you would think it was a motorcycle accident, but nope, just a biking injury. I tore the ACL and PCL clear from the bone. Job done well. It was repaired by the orthopedic surgeon of the Bears football team. He did a great job. That knee is in better shape today than my "good" knee is. Honestly. But I still protect it. Mentally I am resistant to pushing it. I'm afraid. Afraid the ligaments will just snap. It's been 25 years and narry a problem, and still the fear. Probably because it took me a full year to rehab it at the time.

Today we pushed my knee. We worked my legs. Amy is a stickler for form and she's reminding me every step of the way to dig in my heels to relieve the stress on my knees. And you know what? It's working. It's amazing. I am able to do lunges and squats and all sorts of things I didn't think I could do. And it's working my muscles around my knee so my knee is feeling like it's getting more support in general throughout the day. Amazing.

At the end of the workout I asked Amy to show me some stretching I could do, because really I've neglected it and I know it's important. So, she stretched me today. Including my "bad" leg, which I would NEVER have put in the position she did. And you know what? It stretched. It stretched and it felt GOOD. I can't begin to express how exciting all of this is. I have a long road to go. And lots of challenges and successes in the path before me I'm sure. But I'm thrilled at what I'm experiencing at the start. Even my cardiovascular is clicking into place. My heart rate has dropped 20 beats/minute during the same level of activity in just 2 weeks. Truly amazing. The body is a wonderous thing.

On another note...I also started working with the Core products by GenesisPure. There's a rebuilding formula (liquid vitamins), a balancing formula (liquid super fruits drink) and a gentle cleanse produce. I have to say, overall, in just a few days, I'm feeling better. I have more energy, I'm more alert and I feel like I'm processing my foods better. I'm interested to see how I'll feel in say a month. I'm a little headachy - which is normal with the first few days of the cleanse from what I hear. But otherwise, I feel good. I know even though I try to balance my eating I don't get all the nutrition I could stand to use so I feel like this is a good way to do that. The products are natural, lots of fruit and vegi components. I'm sure it is a lot like "juicing" which is so popular right now, but for me, this is much smaller doses (an ounce of liquid here and there) which for me is so much better. I just can't down a whole glass filled with Kale. :) Anyway -- just thought I'd track all of my progress in one place.

February 26, 2013

Jillian last night. Day one, workout 1, mostly upper body, some lower body, some cardio, some desire for the couch! Ha. Not easy but quick. And she was nicer than she was in her 30 day shred. She didn't yell as much. Which is so unlike her -- she was encouraging at parts just when I wanted to give up so that was good.

This morning I can't raise my arms above my head and walking up the stairs at work about killed me. My thighs are still burning, but I guess that is the point in the end, right?

Good news is I weighed in today. I've only gained 5 pounds back since October. That is so much better than I was expecting. I was actually elated with that. I can work with that. I can master that and get back to where I was this month, well, in March anyway. So not too bad! On the right track at least.

February 25, 2013

So, for Melanie's birthday she got Jillian Michael's Body Revolution. And was nice enough to let me "back up" a copy...so that she could get me to commit to doing it with her. So we can commiserate together. I've certainly fallen off the health wagon since our vacation. Which is a bummer, I was doing really well.

I just hit the weight watchers site for the first time in well, months, and tracked what I ate today. I worked from home and had access to snacky stuff all day -- which is bad news. Because I mindlessly ate small things well I worked. Some of it good, like fruit, some of it not as desireable, like bread. Just bread. Nothing on it, nothing fancy, just bread. I think I would snack on that all day if I had access. So, it's time to limit my access, or for pete's sake, at least hold myself accountable again.

So - no beating myself up over and over, I'm just going to pick myself up, dust myself off, and climb back on the wagon. Starting today, not tomorrow. I committed to Mel that I would do workout #1 tonight, as will she. I have goals, which are good. I have a vacation coming up and I want to enjoy all the things it offers along with my family. Without being out of breath or tired, or whatever else usually happens to me. It will be an "active" vacation - zip lining, hiking, horse back riding, white water rafting. And I want to be ready and excited about all those things. It's in July.

So my goals are simple. And measureable. 30 pounds gone by July. That's roughly 6 pounds a month, which is totally doable. And I want to be able to run a 5k without dying or stopping. Not asking for a lot here, just that I be committed to myself and to my friend. I'm not getting any younger, but I am starting to become aware that I am getting older and have some of the same habits as my father had...and he had his first heart attack at age 54. And was dead by 63. Not thinking I would like to be on the same path as he. So, tonight I start. It's a 13 week workout program -- I know it's going to be killer, but it's only 30 minutes a day. And honestly, I watch the biggest loser. Some of those people are way bigger than I am and they are able to do several hours when pushed, right off the bat. Albeit they throw up and pass out, but they do it. 30 minutes shouldn't be undoable, right? Right! I'll let you know how it goes.