The Sucker

Sometimes, when I get really tired and drained, which has been a constant the last months due to some stuff, I think I subconsciously start questioning things… what stuff and people am I wasting time and energy and fucks given on? What makes an unreasonable amount of withdrawals compared to deposits in the form of energy and love and just overall good stuff? Who’s a vulture? Narcissist?

I think it’s some self-preservation mechanism, my subconscious trying to clear space and make me sort out what’s unreasonable and pointless to care about, whispering to my self in the back of my head that I’m draining myself for nothing. The more I think the more I start questioning what the point is.

Why on earth waste kind words and encouragement on people that never gives it back, who never reminds you of your worth and value or why you are appreciated? Those who can’t cough that shit up from time to time, most likely don’t see neither your worth nor value. Why waste time on that, then?

I’m a sucker though… an hour later I’m back to caring about people, even if I know it’s not mutual or it’s pure consumption on their part.