First, you have to know that I don’t buy anything. I mean it: ANYTHING.

I don’t buy CDs or DVDs or books. I don’t buy clothes or art or… well, anything. I buy food, booze, laundry detergent and booze. I know I said “booze” already, but that’s the one thing I buy the most of.

But I digress….

So it’s unheard of for me to go shopping and buy something that I don’t absolutely need. Even moreso, it’s COMPLETELY out of my range of comprehension or common sense to purchase something that has an infomercial attached to it.

I don’t own a Shamwow or OxiClean or Oxi Osbourne. I own none of this shit, and can’t understand for the life of me why dumb Americans would litter their homes with this useless, mass-produced garbage.

Until I saw the commercial for Pedi Paws.

Now, my dog, Mr. Fabulous, doesn’t mind getting her nails trimmed. She doesn’t LIKE IT, of course, but she doesn’t mind it. Yeah, she may lay there and stare at me with a snarky “you cocksucker” look on her face the entire time, but she won’t freak out or pull away.

No, the main problem I have with trimming Fabulous’ nails is that I hate doing it. Sometimes I get too close to her quick and she bleeds all over the place. Other times I end up nicking a tender spot on her and she’ll yelp.

I hate it. HATE IT.

But when I first saw the commercial for Pedi Paws, which is essentially a belt sander for your dog’s nails, two words spilled directly from my brain and out of my lips: “Fuck” and “Yeah.”

So I bought it. I bought the goddamn $20 piece of plastic and sandpaper. And you know what? It works. It goddamn works. I love it.

But….

Well, “but” a couple of things.

First, it takes forever. Fabulous had ESPECIALLY long nails, of course, but it still takes a good fifteen to twenty minutes per paw, because it’s essentially just taking it down a little bit at a time instead of hacking off a whole chunk of the Velociraptor talon.

Second, it STINKS. Imagine if Bigfoot caught on fire and then ran through an abandoned wig factory, setting fire to every smelly and dusty wig in his path. It’s kinda like that. Only fartier.

Third, it has this “nail trapper” device that is supposed to capture all of the shavings. But it doesn’t work that well, and by the end of your pet’s trim you look like you’re covered in the ash from the explosion of a volcano. A NAIL volcano. A nailcano.

And lastly, it looks like a fucking dildo. So much, in fact, that when we had people over for dinner one night I thought I’d see what their reaction would be when I slammed it down in the middle of the dining room table.

I didn’t even preface it. I just said, “Wanna see what I bought today?”

SLAM!

Eyes wide open. Mouth agape with an “Ahhh…” on the edge of their lips. Until finally–

“It’s a nail trimmer for Mr. Fabulous.”

“Oh!” they sighed with relief. “I see it now!”

So yeah, my only complaint is that they should start printing all of these facts on the box:

PEDI PAWS:

– Trim your dog’s nails in the same amount of time it takes NASA’s astronauts to get to Mars!