Hello I'm Susie I joined this website today because today I can't seem to stop crying. I've told with mental health for eight years and I don't seem to be getting anywhere . I am 40 years old. I just recently divorced from a man who cheated on me I don't have feelings for him any more After 16 years of abuse emotional abuse and domestic violence I feel like that pot of love is empty. I have two beautiful wonderful children who are the light of my life, and I find it really hard sometimes to make a decision about our future. I'm English and I live in south wales and I've had a brilliant career up until I moved to south wales and I just fill the opportunities on down here for my children like the opportunities I had in England in Surrey . And yet we have built a life down here now children have friends they like their school I've got good friends but I feel very alone in making this massive decision on whether to move back to England to where I have family. I do have family down here but we are not the type of family that can talk to each other. I'm on antidepressants but today I just seem to be crying over i Don't even know I think that's the worst part of it. I am seeing the doctor today because I'm losing my hair and can't seem to get over that fact are you used to have a beautiful thick glossy mane of curly hair and now it's just so thin I just can't seem to find them that I'm losing my hair I'm overweight and I feel like I'm a complete and utter wreck and failure at the moment .

16 Replies

Hello Susie and sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. I can relate to that idea of not being able to talk to my own family ; I actually find them the hardest people to have any sort of a normal conversation with.

It sounds like you've been through a lot but as you say you have your beautiful children which is a massive blessing. Making decisions is very hard at the best of times and we all need support in doing that. Deciding whether to move or not is it something you have to decide right now or could you leave it for a while? From what you say it sounds like you have more of a life in South Wales than you do in England so what is it that is making you think of moving back as you say you are not really close to your family? Have some thoughts about it but I would not rush into doing anything at all whilst you are so low.

My own experience of AD's is that if you have just started taking them they can make you feel worse at first till they kick in. They could also be responsible for the weight gain. Some AD's make your hair very greasy I found. Maybe discuss with the doctor the meds you are on and whether they are suiting. It can be a difficult choice between meds which cause weight gain and reducing the depression so it's important to get the balance right for you.

Also though you may not realise it I honestly think that Christmas brings pressure of these sorts of feelings onto people as it is so family related so you may be feeling just that extra bit stressed right now. These are just my pennies worth; glad you felt able to post on here and hope things start to look up for you.

My heart goes out to you, what a lot you have been through. Talk to the doctor today about how you are feeling. I don't know how long you have been on ADs but perhaps the dosage needs to be amended or they'll take a couple of weeks to work. You have been through a lot and I'm not surprised you are feeling down. I think it is normal to feel upset at a time like this, so I would allow myself the time to cry. Sometimes we just cry to get it all out especially when we are depressed.

I'd echo what Gemma has said, do you have to make the decision now about moving. I would wait until I was feeling less emotional and vulnerable. Could you go and stay with someone down in Surrey over Christmas to see how you feel or when the kids have a half term break in February?

You aren't a failure, you are a human being trying to get through life. You have two beautiful wonderful children, which can't be by accident so you must have done something right.

It's so true. When I feel like this l feel like I'm a useless mum for putting myself first before my kids i should be doing the best for them but sometimes im not entirely sure what that is and if I can move to a better place than surely I should ? But who says its better? This is the constant dilemma i suffered for the last 12 months

Oh! My heart goes out for you. Count your blessings with your children they seem to be wonderful. Do you have friends that you can talk to? Friends are more reliable and understanding than family are. I found friend that I could talk to which helps quite a bit.

Hope the AD works for you. Enjoy your days with your children I know when we are depressed we go into ourselves. Find interests that you can get into I tried to learn knitting gave it up at the end.

Hope you feel better and have a lovely Christmas. Don't worry be happy coz 2015 is going to be wonderful.

FYI I used to have beautiful thick hair but now there is only 3 left it feels horrible I look at it and feels more depressed that I don't have my beautiful locks than anything else I don't like keeping it short but I don't have enough to tie it I have tried everything but...,,..

Dear Susie, real people get hurt by life. They are not made of Teflon. I was told by a friend 'When in doubt do nought'. I would suggest you try to get through Christmas as healthily as possible (not to say don't let your hair down as you might actually enjoy it if you can put your worries on hold for a little while) and leave those really big decisions to a time when there is less going on. All the best, lots of Love, Mads