Me: So what are you getting your mom for Mother's Day?Primary Kid: I don't know, but I know what she wants.Me: What's that?Primary Kid: To lose some weight.

Sofia: What's up Paul?Anthony: Sofia, you can't just call people "Paul!"

Rachel: Is it really quieter when I'm gone?Julia: Yah, see...when you walk into the room and people see you, they get angry...and then it gets loud.

"It just stinks when you're eating oreo and you're just loving this taste and then you burp up Chow Mein. It's just like: 'Oh yah...I ate that.'"-Julia

"[Heard while watching Valkerie] Wow, Hitler is everywhere. He's like the Kenny Ortega of Germany."-Dad

"Cause a date with you just wouldn't be the same without you."-Ben

Rachel: So cute!Mom: You are so wierd. One minute you like me and the next minute you hate me.Rachel:...I was talking about my shoes.

"HEEEEEEEY"-AC

"I had to chew really fast to tell you my idea!"-Julia

"That's shitzu, not the other poo."-AC, my man

Julia: They are always hairy.Kara: They weren't hairy in my pie!

"Hey we know an older man, wanna learn more about the church? .com"-Mom

"Burn a mad steak."-Rachel

"I feel like I'm supposed to be scared..."-Mom

"I hate it when I see a rainbow in my turkey."-Rachel

"When people hug me they say 'I like to hug you!'"-Julia

"Because we had children and raised families, we couldn't use our creative juices to conquer the world, so we have to do this [dance] in the car."-Caryn

"If you were a president, you'd be Baberaham Lincoln"-A Commercial

"You gotta take a step before you get there..."-Julia

Mom: Rachel, how do you like this shirt?Rachel: Mom, that looks like a male tango dancer.Mom: Isn't that what you want to be?Julia: It has always been a gilrish dream of mine to be a male tango dancer.

*Heard during a commercial break*Melissa: I miss Chuck!Rachel:...We're watching it.

Megan: Kay we all just need to sit down.Rachel:...We are sitting down.

"You should play that game where you cut things in half, and then in half again, and then you catch those little birds..."-Melissa

"Do you like Raisin Bran? Do you like it better when I buy it or when you buy it?"-I don't remember who said this...but it was hilariouse

Erica: Is someone tap dancing in the kitchen?Elise: No...I was just attacked by a bunch of mixing bowls.

"Dude, I shut doors man."-Arianna

"That took like half an hour! Which is really close to 30 minutes!"-Rachel

"What's with you guys? It's like I'm talking to a bunch of stuffed elk."-Spanish Teacher

"Every wrong answer is possible."-Spanish Teacher

"One thing I still haven't figured out though is how the tiger in Aladdin could bite through that one prince's pants and get a bit of his underwear while leaving the underwear intact. It bothered me then, and it bothers me now."-100 Hour Board Writer

"What is our process? Usually it starts with a Holla!, ends with a creamcicle."-Shawn

[Gus and Shawn are inspecting a firestation]Gus: And they don't even have a dalmatian here, Shawn.Shawn: Would you stop with the dalmatians already?Gus: I'm just saying. It would be nice to see one in its natural habitat.Shawn: They're not indigenous to firehouses, Gus.

"The straws are so small here, like, at In-N-OUt I can fit my whole tooth in there."-Julia

Rachel: You have the easiest senior year ever. No school, a real easy job, what do you do with all your free time?Julia: Welp, I read magazines...about government. Then I tutor. Then I stand in front of the heater cause it's warm. That's all.

JulesSF: Nick, Your nose is like a rose/ Your hair is like a pear/ Your eyes are like pies.Girl #1: Awwwkward.Girl #2: That is a disgusting poem.

"My cover is blown"-JulesSF

"Let's say that Han Solo spent all three original movies telling Princess Leia how much he wanted to kill and eat her...Pretty stupid right?"-An Editorial about Twilight

"Next time I go out, I will tell my date (repeatedly; perhaps every ten minutes) that I hunger for her in more ways than one. If I believed Twilight, nothing would turn her on more."-An Editorial about Twilight

Mr. Mayor: Treats me like an idot! I am not an idiot. Do I look like an idiot?Secratary: You know you don't want me to answer that.

"The de-Santification process has begun!"-That kid from The Santa Clause

Rachel: I don't want a camoflauge suitcase!Melissa Mae: Yah cause when you get off the plane you'll be looking all around going, 'Where's my suitcase!'

Teacher: The things about the Russion Orthodox Church is that they're always in a hurry.Class:...?Teacher: Cause they're "Rushin'"?

Student: In indonesian culture you don't smile in pictures. As soon as the camera comes out you get rid of your smile.Teacher: Kinda like Brigham Young's wives?

"What's it like being as awesome as you?"-?

"Can I have ur numba, can I have it? Can I have it? Can I have it? Can I have it?"-Math Joke

"Awww hiss and spit!"-Sis. Harmon

"Hateful Thing!"-Sis Harmon

"Oh is that what you had said?"-Math Joke

"'Scuse me can I talk to you for a minute? The back of your head is ridiculus!"-Math Joke

[Pretending to be a magician] "You'll notice my fingers never leave my hand!"-Peter (From the Monkees)

"I want my ice-cream/So bad I'm gonna scream!"-Julia, as Troy Bolton

"Yes on cookies!"

"Don't you wish that you could be a Hole In The Head?!?"-Rachel

"Did you ever have a burp go WEEEEER?"-Samuel

*Checking out my mom's new YELLOW shoes*Rachel: Hey Mom, I love your green shoesMom: Actually, they are blueJulia: Actually, they are white

"Evil is mine"-That guy

*Repeated through out our trip*"That Kenny Ortega's amazing!"-Dad

*After watching Miley Cyrus's performance of "Fly On The Wall" during the AMA's"Julia: All I could think was "Didn't Britney Spear's do this song like two weeks ago?"Rachel: All I could think of was "Didn't Clay Aiken do this song like 5 years ago?"Dad: All I could think of was "That Kenny Ortega is amazing!"

"Rachel, You are as small as my twinkie!-Kirsten

"I might maybe like to say....no"-Teacher

"You are as small as my twinkie!"-Kirsten

Rachel (looking at my art history book): Rachie? Are you gonna do stuff like this some day?Me (not really paying attention): like what?Rachel: Like these pictures of the little mermaid….out of water.Me: Whaaaa?

"They have the tinniest straws here. Like, at In-N-Out, I can fit my whole tooth in there"-Julia

Rachel: She's a man!Kyle: Manly Cyrus!

"Miley May Myrus"-Rachel

Rachel: Hey they're from the quince party!Julia: You just say that cause they're Mexican

[We drive past a field where a big machine is stacking hay]Julia: [shiver] Those things scare me!Mom/Rachel: Why?Julia: Because they pick up hay.....and stack it. A machine shouldn't know how to do that.

Rachel: We were high off the oxygen that was wafting toward us.Julia/Kate: Wafting?

"She will do great things."-Viola

"I got a lifetime-a-knowledge."-Viola

"I am a dude. I am a Hunkin' dude!"-Viola

"Crazy? I was Crazy once. I lived in a Chicken, it drove me CRAZY! Crazy? I was crazy once."-Alex

Sam: I killed this swine hog thingie and sold it to costco.Mom: Sam, that's a turkeySam: Oh….Well it was as big as a pig!

"I'm the president of the United States! Do you like cake?"-Samuel

Ryan:…anyways, the missionaries support me, and I'm listening to Taking Back Sunday, and I'm wearing a shirt that no one else has.Rachel: That was the most confusingly complicated sentence I have ever heard.

"Hey Howie! We're gonna be late!"-Samuel

"I noticed you from across the couch..."-Arli's friend

"I would rather be all alone with a cookie than all alone with the Hottest guy in the world."-Anonymous

[Heard while watching the Thriller music video] "I think I would rather be eaten by my zombie boyfriend than by just a random zombie."-Anonymous

[playing Apples to Apples] "A spare tire is neither plump nor tender but very useful in times of need"-Garret

"There's no matching color to shiney, so you just gotta wear it with everything."-Dallin

[while watching the part of the Little Mermaid where they trap the shark in that anchor thing] "And then the shark suffocated because he couldn't swim aroud and breath."-Lara

[critiquing our photography] "I like your picture...but I'm worried that your never gonna get married if you keep going home so much."-Photo Teacher

"I've never had a student die while photographing...but if I did, I would feel sooo bad. I would probably print some of their pictures and we'd display then and have a little memorial, it would be fun!"-Photography Teacher

"He asked me on a date and I got nervouse and started talking about poliotomic ions."-Candi

Melissa: I don't have any band-aids because they all fell in the trash can.Rachel: Why didn't you just get them out?Melissa: Wellll they fell in the toilet first.

"So these guys are underneath a river in Spain learning magic....it's kinda like a 14th century Harry Potter."-Hispanic Lit. Teacher

Rachel: One of my biggest fears is being put in a position where I can't escape.Caiti: Yah, like being chased by a jaguar and not being able to climb a tree? I've been thinking about that a lot today...

"What the heck Bishop!"-Candi

"So let me tell you how I met your mom....I was in the hospital, in this really dark place, and then I was like "Where am I?" And then I came out and I saw this mom there. And then I was like, "This must be Rachel's Mom!"-Julia

"Awww, I wanna make up a good quote so Rachel will write it down!"-Kara

"What do you think you are...a TOASTER!"-My Mother

[Matter of factly] “Well, we are very similar to sea stars….and they have no brain!”-Julia

[Julia’s mutterings while studying for her biology test] “It’s just that, when you get to chordata it’s so boring……fish are boring….and so stupid…..and I don’t get why fish are any smarter than octopuses.”-Julia

“It’s like a flower…that crawls away!”-Julia

“So I was sitting here at this puzzle wondering, ’where does this piece go?’”-Rachel

Arianna: Hey check this out, Rachel looks like a fish!Julia: No, I would say she looks more like a basking whale….or a basking shark.

"Walking behind the Stapp family brings good luck while fishing"-A Chinese proverb by Rachel

"I've been to the year three thousandNot much has changed, but they lived underwazen'Cause that's what they call water in the year three thousandAnd I'm really fineReally fiiiiine"-Rachel & Julia's interpretation of The Jonas Brothers

"[Nacho Libre Voice] Boyd and Diane took home a really nice fridge and had, like, six or eight kids or something. Every single one of them could walk, and they could talk, and they could crawl on their belly like a reptile. Except for one...named Caryn...she couldn't do a somursault or anything. I'm a little worried about her salvation and stuff. Anyways...the end."-Julia...as nacho

"How could you marry this potentially hairless non-Italian??"-My mother

"Have you ever seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the ones wearing party hats, sunglasses, and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time..."-Ellen DeGeneres

"I tried to walk into Target, but I missed"-?

"Have you noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"-?

"If carrots are so good for your eyesight, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?-?

"So they're showing me, on television, the detergents getting out bloodstains. I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with bloodstain all over it. Maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now."-Jerry Seinfield

"About a month ago, I got a cactus. And a week later, it died I got really depressed becuase I was like, [Dang], I am less nurturing than the desert."-Demetri Martin

"Don't touch that dial. And if you TV has a dial, go buy a new one."-Stephen Colbert

"[Singing]Everybody makes mistakes,Everybody has those days [end of singing]Except for me....cause I'm *Perfect!!*"-Samuel

"Smoking tobacco is like smoking a teddy bear"-Rachel

"Slytherin kinda sounds like dungeon"-Rachel

"I made out with two Tims!"-Kate

"Make the connection between..."-Anna Banana

Anna: I smell Mexican food.Kate: AAHH! It's a murderer!

"Wha- KATE!"-Rachel

"Ok, she didn't feel me poke her so it's ok to stab her now"-The Murderer

"A I G M O V!"-Anna

"I've never touched anything as soft as this toe"-Becca

"You know it's time for the second coming when they put a nursery in the singles ward"-Julia

"TBINF"-Rachel

"Don't die Ryan, cause then no one will make fun of my hands-Ryan

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.......I Just kicked a rock.......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-Julia

"I'm so high, I swear I could fly!"-Oliver (and they say this is a family show....psh)

"Purple Magic"-Katie

"WHALE FEED! 50 cents here 75 cents inside!"-Julia

"I really should stop smoking it is bad for me, but I am just to Glamorous to stop "-Chris

Carver (my Asian friend): "Try to guess my middle name. It's my great-great-grandfathers name. His last name was Okiwakiono"Dana: uuuuum, (she rambles off a bunch of japanese sounding names), Fine. Just tell us what it is.Carver: Roy

"Now always remember girls, you can't go steady with a jerk."-My father

"Your brain is obviously not a computer."-Julia

"No hablo estupido"-Dana

"Hey Julia! Double Double"-Ryan

"Mrs. Cogsworth!"-The Beast

"We're so cool and nobody even knows it"-Arianna

"Stop touching my hermosa"-Rachel

"I'd pick up his tissue"-Janet

"Can I touch your coat? AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH"-Arianna

Sarah: What would you do if the tree caught on fire?Rachel: NothingSarah: What would you do if the world blew up?Rachel: I'd die.

"The frost is biting me"-Nick

[Describing our seminary teacher]"Giddy as a school boy"-Julia

"It's not stalking, it's more like obsessivly shadowing"-Ryan

"I can't make kissy faces. I don't have enough experience"-Rachel

"You're number 12"-Dana

"She has a charming smile, and magnificant mandibles"-The Amazing Earth

"It wouldn't be a murder without a blue couch."-Carver

"There's no better find than finding myself with you"-Mute Math

"So they imported bowls for the orphanage from Taiwan?"-Carver

"If I didn't have eyebrows, bugs would attack me?!?!?"-Rachel

"Intent never makes a sound"-Anberlin

"Peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. I don't understand that. I mean, I'm lazy but I'd like to meet the guy that needs that. This guy must be thinking, "I could go for a sandwich, but I'm not gonna open TWO jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars and cleaning WHO KNOWS how many knives"-Brian Regan

"I deserve this. This is all because I forgot to feed my pet turtle, Sheldon in kindergarten. He went to heaven, and now my life is bad."-Josh