Swallow 15 - Alive

In their cover design alone, Swallow 15 have managed to do the seemingly impossible and out-naff Michael Learns to Rock. Their band photos make them look like rejects from a Tommy Hilfiger shoot; their scrappy-looking lyrics sheet uses a little "heart" symbol for the word "love" and worst of all, they've not only written the wettest history notes EVER, but they've added insult to injury by littering the text with so many grammatical atrocities you can't help but wonder how they every managed to get through school.

The music, predictably, is as bland as boiled rice. It's teenpop by numbers, without that modicum of inspiration teenpop requires to avoid being insufferable.

Coming soon to a bargain bin near you.

- Chris McEvoy

Unbelievably trite, shockingly out of touch and filled with unlistenable, formulaic pap, Swallow 15's album, Alive has absolutely no reason to exist in this universe. Unless of course, it serves as an important reminder to the music industry that vacuous post-teens should never be encouraged to express themselves before they have something to say.