Friday, March 21, 2008

The BSNYC Good Friday Over-Share

Remember cyclocross? You know, that thing you tried a few years ago, swore you'd never do again, and ever since then has somehow become the highlight of your season? Well, I'm pleased to announce that the new issue of Cyclocross Magazine includes an article I wrote about why 'cross will never jump the shark. (And it has nothing to do with the fact that placing a shark tank between a pair of barriers is not only UCI-illegal, but also prohibitively expensive and downright dangerous.) Look--they put my name on the cover and everything! And rest assured there are also much better articles and interviews in here concerning people who are actually good at 'cross as well. So if you love 'cross (or if you hate it, which you undoubtedly do if you partake in it) check it out.

Moving on, there's something else I'd like to share with you as well. As the author of a popular cycling blog, I've gained access to certain perks and benefits that are simply not available to the average cyclist. For example, I no longer pay for tubes. They just show up at my house--free! Also, I get special treatment at bike shops. I mean, they still ignore me when I come in, but they don't actively insult me. But perhaps best of all is the secret website.

That's right--when you reach a certain level in the cycling world, you get to use a secret website that gives you huge savings on all kinds of cycling gear. If you read this blog regularly, you know I'm not easily impressed, but I have to say that the secret website is absolutely amazing. The way it works is, they send you emails with a special code. Then you go to the website, order what you want, and put in the code. It's a lot like buying marijuana from a delivery service actually, and it's every bit as intoxicating. Except it's a lot cheaper.

I have to admit though that over the last few months I've started feeling a little guilty about it. I mean, who the hell am I? Why should I get special treatment? In fact, I started to think that maybe I should share the secret website with my readers. Finally, this morning, I got an email from the secret website that was so unbelievably tempting that I decided I finally had to spill the beans. Here it is:

Yup, you read that right. An additional--additional--10% off on orders of $75 or more. Just because it's Easter! You don't have to be Christian, or even like Jesus at all. (They don't check--trust me.) And they have sales like this all the time. I think you can see why I can't sit on this thing any longer. All this time I've felt like a hen, sitting on a hatching egg as the chick's beak pokes me in the crotch. So I'm finally letting the cat out of the bag--or the chick out of the egg. Of course, I can't reveal the actual URL of the site (I'm too scared to lose my priveleges) but you can see the secret discount code in the lower left of the image, which should give you a clue.

Oh, one more thing--they even invent their own components. Check this out:

Ever removed your seatpost and not remember where its position was? This rubber piece fits around your post as a reminder, aesthetically improves the seatpost/frame junction, and provides additional protection from crud getting around the seatpost. Black.

Amazing. Not only do I lose track of my saddle position all the time, but I absolutely detest the aesthetics of my seatpost/frame junction. Get out of my head, secret website. Get out of my head!

Looks like that guy in the video got ahold of that marijuana delivery person before he recorded himself..."mmm, that's the sweet smoke."

I don't get free tubes or anything, but it used to be that we could call a certain pizza delivery company and request a certain driver and a big bag of weed would show up with the pie. Those were the days.

I love the seatpost gasket. Everyone should buy one, why spend $.0002 on 2 inches of electrician's tape to mark the height when you can spend $5 on a gasket specially designed for seatposts? This device is much needed and I'm glad "The secret website" is making available such important technology.

I need to start a highly-successful bicycle blog for the free tubes, "secret websites", and of course the throngs of groupies tossing panties at me as I ride to work every morning. (Not being insulted at the LBS is just the icing on the cake.)

Anon 11:35,Of course you can not read the entry and also finish on the podium. You have to scroll down to the end of the entry, look to see if there have been any comments yet, post your triumph, then go back and read the entry. If you take the time to read the entry first, you are toast, guaranteed.

Anon 11:35 and wishiwasmerckx,Of course you cannot read the entry and also finish on the podium. You have to scroll down to the end of the entry, look to see if there have been any comments yet, post your triumph, then decide if you are actually going to read the entry or go find another blog to comment-race on. If you subscribe to this method, you are a douche bag, guaranteed.

I stole three drops of my wife's fingernail polish to mark my seat post, and another two drops to mark my handlebar position.

It's a pretty complicated procedure, so my recommendation is to take some fingernail polish down to your local bike shop and have them do it for you.

If that is still too much, then go ahead and buy Nashbar's XL midnite black condom and snip the end off it. For a little extra, you can get the professional mechanic featured in AH's youtube video to install it with her mouth.

I always wondered what Snob looked like... he is thinner than I thought he would... I like the grizzled guy on the geared bike better in the faked photograph... it was kinda shocking to see the video...

and worse... now I will always read this column in the voice and meter of this video revelation of BSNYC's identity...

Please, please, please tell me that that is you in the video. If only that could be you alter ego and the secret behind your secret identity. It would make everything mean so much more - the absolute best punch line of all.

Ps. Snob, I'm not too keen on you sharing the word about The Secret Websty, but if you can share then certainly your readers should know about my new SecretSource for CerealJerseys... Rumor has it I'm going to be invited to beta test their new line of Mild Laxative Brand Jerseys, and their Adult Lined Undergarment Chamois Bib Tights (which will be marketed under the Joonallyson/Dependsas brand name).

Oh yeah, and I know that Opinionated Cyclist actually drives a stationwagon, not a bike. How? Because it's just not possible to carry an unconscious prostitute, a shovel and a bottle of chloroform across town on the back of your Trek 2700. Not without a *really* big Carradice bag, anyhow.

Hahahaha Im an idiot...I have the craziest bus driver right now! Scared for my life!

I have to admit, I got special treatment because I was a girl on a track bike who knew a thing or two about being a girl on a track bike. Now I get special treatment because I have a brace on and a gnar scar.

Anon 12:53pYou STOLE a total of 5 drops of nail polish from your wife? Dude, do you have a DEATH WISH? If I got caught stealing nail polish from my wife, I would WISH it was only a chick's beak poking me in the crotch!

I just watched that entire video, start to finsih and I think I was able to stay awake for most of it.

I've eaten an entire bag of trail mix (or is that Cracker Jack?) and drank a whole liter of orange juice.

Once I even waved to a passing cyclist.

I'm pretty sure that now qualifies me as a "serious cyclist" or something. Where's my friggin' jersey... I officially call podium Monday. First person to call it from me is a poseur and I hope everyone tell them they are.

That's right... I'm the Lance of blog-podium. I'm on it before you even get a friggin' chance.

BSLongtime reader, firstime commenter. A little nervous here, I just wanted to say that the talking head cyclist is brilliant. By far the most boring video I have ever seen in my entire life. Where are the other videos that he alludes to? I going to need them the next time I am clinically depressed.--Mark the Spark

$50 for an 80's Schwinn Traveler? Sounds like a fair deal to me. Dry rotted tires? No big deal - you can pick some 27" tires at Performance Bike for $10 each. How 'bout $50 for just the WHEELS off an 80's Schwinn Traveler? No, you don't get the rest of the bike, silly.

We all failed th mention the obvious. Snobby posted on a day that most banks / schools / state employees typically are closed. Guess we need to start a new theory on his employment. Then again, maybe it's only the bible belt states that use good friday as a holiday.

To see another lunatic cyclist video, check out drunkcyclist.com and look for an old video with Tucson's Gray Wolf. He has a $16,000 bike that he cant ride uphill. As to the snob's identity, one of you who races in NYC should be able to figure it out- he races- he admits he isn't a very good racer-

That should narrow the field to maybe two or three people in the NYC racing scene.

That Opie ni-ated syke-list was DA BOMB.He ate, like, two bags of cheetos there I think. Whatta waste of good audio. The dude needs to get his brain jumpstarted or something. Maybe he does smoke too much weed. How he keeps from falling over during his ride, asleep, is beyond me.Snobbie, how do you find such gems? Is that your Texas brother trying to compete with your audience?

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!