Intangible. Untouchable. All things to some People. And a laughable concept to everyone else…

Sevco v Hamilton: What REALLY Happened…

As Sevco made their Premiership debut this weekend media expectation was high and their output astonishing. The BBC decided to humiliate itself by providing detailed minute-by-minute analysis of Joey Barton’s performance against Hamilton. No you didn’t read that incorrectly.

66 mins: End-to-end stuff as the Mexican wave goes from one side of the still-celebrating press box to the other, and back again.

70 mins: RED CARD! Herald reporter dismissed for foul and abusive language after suggesting Sevco aren’t quite as amazing as he was expecting.

73 mins: Break in play as journalist invades pitch with inflatable shark and starts to jump over it.

77 mins: Scrappy play ends when one journalist says to the another “you can’t even write a coherent match report, so what makes you think you can write something to perform in a theatre?”.

80 mins:“Handbags!”. During another meandering passage of Sevco ‘possession’ a leading football writer ponders what style and colour bag would best complement the Magic Hat he bought his wife for her birthday. He settles on a respectful light blue bag shaped like a bargain bin.

86 mins: Nodding of heads in the press box as Warbo changes his tactics and decides to play some football.

88 mins:“Every Rangers* player attacked!” shouts one journalist. For absolutely no good reason whatsoever…

89 mins: Everyone pressing forward now, but the police won’t let the press pack anywhere near the referee to demand a penalty for Sevco.

90+1 mins: Whistles and jeers from the clairvoyant community who have already seen the MSM’s fawning match reports.

90+3 mins: The referee blows for full time. Sevco 1, The Insignificant Other Team 1. Despair and exhaustion is on display as the press pack fall to their knees. Two points dropped as well as an awful lot of credibility.