There are so many types of relationships… really, there are a lot. They range from the rom com version and the foodies to the cos-players, even to that annoying couple that somehow always manages to throw the perfection of their magical union in your face…WE GET IT, YOU’RE IN LOVE! But the death defying loop question we must all ask in our lifetimes is which relationship type am I? And exactly how much do I irritate my poor defenseless friends?

1. The foodies

This couple lives on the couch watching Masterchef; if they are not on the couch they’re in the kitchen baking up a storm. Naturally, there is nothing wrong with food, especially seeing as they always have an abundance of it and they’re willing to share. Also, I’m a massive fan of stuffing my face.

The oh so cruel reality is that this couple can’t cook and while they rant and rave about the new “infusion of flavors” that they’ve just discovered, you’re trying to politely spit out your mouthful while secretly feeding their dog your so called ‘food.’

2. The cos-players

The relationship category I happen to fall in. We are humans by day and magical creatures by night. We attend comic conventions and dress up like characters from books. We are the epitome of geek, we prance about on our wooden horses and shiny capes and we LOVE IT! We bore our friends with endless details about the makings of our new costumes and the competitions we’re going to enter.

3. The lovey-dovey

This couple is surrounded by pure bliss, they use pet names like honey bunny, baby cakes, and the truly cringe worthy, snuggluffagus… yes that’s a real one. All the while they talk using that coochy-coo baby voice, as if they were babies trying to sooth each other. They’re constantly holding hands and making goo-goo eyes at each other, all at the expense of their endlessly suffering friends.

They’re constantly proclaiming their love and at times they do quite literally declare it from the roof tops, in the dead of night, to the dismay of their neighbors…all in a day’s work. They are the very definition of a teenage love story, even though they’re usually grown adults. What I can say is that when you’re hit by cupid, you quite literally lose your mind.

4. The PDAs

This couple is the adult version of the lovey-dovey couple; they are constantly enthralled in a heavy make out session. I have this theory that their mouths are drawn together, despite the resistance of their owners. When finally their lips do meet, even though it is against their will, they just go with the flow and enjoy the experience. Doesn’t matter that it makes everyone near them uncomfortable, who cares they’re in love! But they truly don’t care!

They need to demonstrate their love for each other, why they don’t do it in the privacy of their own homes is beyond me. Admittedly, if you can get over your prudishness, close observation of the couple may actually teach you a new thing or two, or three or nine. Happy tutelage!

5. The face-scruncher

This is more of a couple which consists of one sane individual and one slightly unhinged individual. As one of them sits comfortably on the couch minding their own business at home, the other one suddenly appears, plops down beside them and begins playing with their hair. Which isn’t too extreme but then they start moving down to your ears and playing with them, which is also ok.

The problem lies with when they decide to lose whatever sanity they previously possessed and start squishing your face while telling you how cute you are.

This is very uncomfortable and disturbs my couch sitting and

I’m sure looking like a human French pug dog is not attractive. But we stay with them because on their days off we are more than happy to return the favor.