Tolling Remembrance (and Resentment) in Sandy Hook

Today at 9:30 AM the church bells tolled 26 times: once for each of the victims in last week’s horrific tragedy in Sandy Hook Elementary. It was a fitting remembrance of the victims of Sandy Hook Elementary School, and the Governor did well to request it. However, there was one victim intentionally not remembered, for whom no bell tolled, and that was Adam Lanza’s mother. She was shot in the head four times as she lay sleeping, and was all but unrecognizable afterward.

By all accounts she was a mother who doted on her son, who sought the best for him given his Asperger’s disorder. Why did we not remember a loving mother shot to death by her mentally ill son?

Are we angry at her for having taught him how to shoot, and in our anger assigning to her some degree of culpability for this tragedy? If so, she’s not alive and well to receive our opprobrium. She became the first of her son’s victims, paying with her own life for whatever lack of prudence or discretion she exhibited in bonding over shooting at the rifle range.

I don’t defend Nancy Lanza’s judgement. But ten years of involvement with other parents of children on the autism spectrum has taught me a few lessons.

Nancy Lanza sought ways to reach her son, to connect with a very emotionally flat, difficult to reach young man. In very many ways, connecting with a child on the spectrum means encountering them wherever they are responsive. For us, Joseph found the Game Show channel on Cable TV and was into 70’s and 80’s reruns of game shows when he was 5 years old. That’s where we needed to begin connecting with Joseph.

Sound bizarre? You do that when you’re the parent of a child on the autism spectrum. You have little choice. The trick is to capitalize on the social connection and use that connection to build deeper ties and then slowly and gently redirect the child to more normal activities. It’s been a ten year journey with Joseph, and at age 13 1/2, he’s doing remarkable well. That said, I’m acutely aware that he’s just begun adolescence and I pray mightily that he emerges from adolescence and college in good shape.

It sounds as though Nancy Lanza found a common ground with her son and then it took a terrible turn before she could build on that connection with him. The point wasn’t shooting rifles together at a range, it was the common interest that facilitated communication.

As for the news reports of the “basement lair” or “windowless bunker” with his video games, such as Call of Duty, these sensationalized reports don’t reflect the fact that Call of Duty, Black Ops 2 sales reached $1 BILLION in just 15 days. That’s quite a few people playing these games, and shootings like this being comparatively rare.

I don’t know what was in the shooter’s mind, or whether his mother permitted these games because it might give him common ground for conversation with others. I wouldn’t have taken that road, and will not with my son. However, I also know the desperation of parents with non-communicative children. What is clear is this:

What we do with our shock, horror, and grief will either build us or twist and distort us. It is a defining moment, a watershed in American history. The bells did not toll for a desperate mother of a handicapped son who was butchered in her sleep with the same gun that she used as common ground to try and reach him in his neurologically impaired and stunted development.

So tonight in our Novena for Healing, we lifted up Nancy Lanza and her son in prayer, as well as their surviving family who are left with a burden of shame, guilt, and social stigma that they do not deserve. They’ll never live it down.

If one week into this watershed experience we don’t recognize the humanity or victim status of Nancy Lanza, it does not bode well for us as a people or as individuals. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves. It is an immunization from fear, anger, and retribution. The parsimoniousness surrounding the single peel of a bell for Nancy Lanza does not bode well for us at all.

We may never have an answer this side of eternity as to why he did it. The rifle range alone doesn’t explain it.

The video games alone don’t explain why he did it.

The autism alone doesn’t explain why he did it.

There are plenty of individuals with autism who play those games and who shoot rifles who remain meek and socially withdrawn. In truth, they are far more likely to become victims of crime than perpetrators of it.

We are right to be filled with revulsion and rage at what happened. That’s normal and healthy. But St. Paul teaches that if we are to be angry that it must be without sin. Toward that end, Jesus teaches that we are to love our enemies, pray for our persecutors, and do good to those who hate us. Those prayers are the only thing that will give us the grace to accept that there will never be a rational explanation for the magnitude of evil that has shaken us all to our foundations.

So on this one week anniversary of that terrible, terrible day, we peel the bell once for the first of Adam’s 27 victims: the woman who gave him life and died by the vehicle she tragically employed to help salvage that life. We beg God’s mercy on Nancy and her son.

I am sorry that I cannot agree with your remarks, although I normally think your writings are wonderfully perceptive and insightful. Since the Sandy Hook shootings, I have held Nancy Lanza 100% responsible for the deaths of all 26 victims. I do not have an autistic child, but I do know that having weapons in her home such as the ones she possessed (or guns of any kind, for that matter), was one of the most violently irresponsible things she, with a troubled child could do. A young man I watched being interviewed commented that he used to babysit for the Lanza’s when Adam was still fairly young, and was instructed by Adam’s mother not to turn his back on Adam, even to go to the bathroom.
Clearly this was a child who was both obviously quite troubled and extremely intelligent. To combine these characteristics with guns was ignorant beyond comprehension. I am a humble, middle aged citizen who knows that if I had a child with even a hint of an emotional or psychological problem, I would never bring a gun into my home. It could present a huge unknown risk to my child, myself and/or others, and on many different levels. What, for example, was a possible message such a disturbed mind might have interpreted when he was introduced to these weapons by his own mother? This was not a young man who thought normally, and his mother knew it.
To present his mother as the sort of long suffering, sad mother of a non-communicative son, and therefore innocent, is just drivel, with all due respect. She had a responsibility to herself and to the community to keep her son under control, either with medication,hospitalization, legal intervention, or other, structured means. To characterize her gun collection as a desperate attempt to connect with her son is a) something you just do not know for a fact, and b) no excuse at all.

Of course Nancy Lanza and her son deserve prayer and forgiveness, not because they were good, albeit desperate people…it certainly seems they were not, in some very significant ways — but because they are part of the human family created by God, possessing eternal souls.

I accept your criticism, though I disagree. Reports are that she was about to indeed have him hospitalized. It’s thought that this may have triggered his rampage.

I stand by my comments, and don’t see them as drivel for this reason: The boy showed no signs of aggression in the past that I’m aware of. What did Nancy mean when she told the baby sitter not to turn his back? Was he violent? The schools give no indication of that. The accounts are that he was painfully shy.

Did she mean that he was a flight risk, as many on the spectrum are?

Did she mean that he needed constant supervision?

Nancy’s not here to defend herself or explain her rationale. Our knowledge remains very incomplete. When she began taking Adam to the range, reports are that he was not violent, but shy and withdrawn. Sharing her interest seemed a way to draw him out. For many, that’s precisely what it does.

What’s happening now is a combination of Monday morning quarterbacking and reverse engineering that holds Nancy responsible for events that she could not forsee happening at a time when there were no red flags. Beyond being unjust, it won’t help us to resolve our grief or assuage our fears. It will only pour gasoline on those fires.

I appreciate what you wrote, Gerard. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone. She did what she thought was right, and paid with her own life. I feel dreadfully sorry for all the families, including Adam’s. They all deserve our prayers.

I in no way implied that an autism diagnosis is a propensity to violence or murder. From the article:

“There are plenty of individuals with autism who play those games and who shoot rifles who remain meek and socially withdrawn. In truth, they are far more likely to become victims of crime than perpetrators of it.”

Also, from all the eyewitness accounts of Lanza that have been written, his behaviors are very consistent with Asperger’s. It’s perhaps the most credible part of the story.

Gerry – Thanks so much for recognizing Adam’s mother. I have not been watching the reports any longer because they continually ignore her death. I believe she was a victim and should be accounted for in the deaths of Newtown. The whole tragedy is so sad and overwhelming and we will never understand “WHY” although in our humanity we will continually keep asking. I pray everyday for the families and victims as we approach the celebration of our Saviour’s birth and try to put myself in their shoes with 2 small children under 6 yrs old….may God grant them peace beyond understanding in this time of year….there are no words. We will only understand in Heaven why God permitted this and pray that as He always does, good will come from this tragedy. We must trust Him alone to assuage their pain, suffering, grief and all the host of emotions the families, Newtown, and our country are experiencing.

As I am not a mother of autistic children, I cannot understand the pain a mother (or parents) must feel in trying to connect with their children. It must be heartwrenching as you love them so much and you watch them withdraw and try to draw them out in a myriad of ways, always looking for a connection. I can’t imagine it! She did not bring on this tragedy. More information will be revealed as time unfolds but we will never truly understand it! We are horrified by it but it is beyond us….

I grew up in a home with guns and many members of my family hunt and own guns. I never once thought to use them on myself or anyone else despite some horrific things that happened to me there. I won’t go into the details here. I have overcome these things with God’s grace. And there was always that hope for Adam, I’m sure by his mother. She had to cling to something. She had to have hope to cope or she would have given up. I cannot even imagine what Adam’s father and brother are experiencing. They are victims too, just in a different light. They must go on. If they do not have God in their life, I hope they reach out to HIM in this time of need so they, too, can heal. Their pain must be unbearable.

We can never stop a mentally ill person who is bent on killing. It just can’t happen. They will find a way. No matter how many laws we pass, guns we remove, etc. It will never happen. Man is sinful and yes, sometimes, mentally ill. Evil is part of our world and sin is part of humanity. As parents we are responsible for our children, yes. But they bare responsibility too when they drink and drive (which is illegal but how many deaths occur from this deadly combination on our roads in CT?) or when they text and drive (I see it everyday on the road by young people and it is illegal in CT). These examples may not be firearms, but they are just as lethal – maybe not 27 victims in every instance but victims nonetheless and they are outlawed. We must understand that we can only legislate so much and the rest is our burden, our free will, our sin.

What saddens me is that the family from what I have learned so far was not a faith-filled family. It is sad and all so common in our country today. We must return to God in our homes, our schools, and our country!!!! We, as a society, have all but removed him and you stated it well, Gerry, the other day….if we continue down this path, God will leave us to our own devices and we will reap what we sow. This has been the case since the Old Testament times and we don’t need to go very far to see it and it is the case today.

May God grant all the little children and their families peace and comfort them. I trust they are little angels in heaven now. May God be merciful on Adam’s mother and comfort her family in their grief too. Most of all may God have mercy on this country and may we return back to Him! 2 Chronicles 7:14 comes to mind – we should all ponder that scripture as the birth of our Saviour approaches. He came as a child to bring peace. We definitely need PEACE in so many ways this Christmas!!!!

I understand your points, and will just add this. Certainly someone’s painful shyness does not preclude aggression, and to excuse his mother’s choices as you have, due to her being a sort of “victim” of parenting a troubled child is incautious, I believe. We have all learned how dangerous guns in the home can turn out to be. To have several semi-automatic, high powered firearms around was the height of poor judgement and irresponsibility no matter how you cut it. I’m terribly sorry for this family, but feel that Adam’s mother set the stage for her son’s actions, while the school victims never saw it coming. That is a huge difference, and one I just cannot overlook.

Regarding Monday morning quarterbacking; it is human to take available evidence and to speculate. You, as parent of an autistic child, have engaged in certain speculations colored by your own experience. You have described Adam as shy and withdrawn, with no signs of aggression. Clearly, this is erroneous, considering his rampage. Being withdrawn is often considered a red flag for unexpressed anger and frustration. In any case, if an individual is not communicating, it’s careless to assume anything about his internal world.

I do not believe it is unjust to hold Nancy responsible for buying guns, teaching her handicapped son to shoot them, and leaving them in her home, available to her very troubled child to use at his will. If she is not responsible for this, then who is?

Your points are well-made and well-received. As I said in the article, hers is not a course of action that I would take with my own son. I must disagree with the shy and withdrawn nature of Asperger’s as being a red flag. Experience of these children and young adults proves just the opposite. The quietude is a function of how they neurologically perceive and respond to the world. It is a different perception than that of the killers at Columbine, whose being withdrawn was rooted in what Durkheim called anomie.

Those experiencing anomie often feel the rage that comes with feelings of alienation and isolation in one with a capacity to fit in, but whose norms are different than those of the prevailing culture. In people with Asperger’s, their neurological wiring creates a filter, or prism, that alters perception and dictates response. In many ways, there is a pattern to the perceptions and responses, one that is radically, radically different from the withdrawn nature and behavior of sociopaths.

Whatever happened in Lanza, his behavior was inexcusable and diabolical. There was something else afoot, apart from the Asperger’s, a recent psychiatric comorbidity that his mother feared and was contemplating having addressed by having him committed to a psychiatric facility. In that, she was acting appropriately for his welfare. If reports are true that he may have snapped because of a reaction to that decision, then it validates her fear and the direction she was headed in with regard to committing him.

Regarding your final question of who is responsible, if not Nancy…

Obviously, Adam is responsible. In the article I mentioned that whatever imprudence Nancy is guilty of, she paid for it with her life, and was the first of 27 victims. I don’t believe a just and merciful God would be as harsh on her as others have been. In tragedy, we need some structural explanation, because we cannot bear the thought that random, inexplicable evil could crop up in our midst. So, we create narratives and push for legislation in order to attempt a way to see that it never happens again. That’s a good thing. However, in our rush to get it right, we rush…

That’s where we get it wrong, where we miss important but unpleasant truths. It’s where we miss the humanity of the primary actors, and in so doing we miss just and lasting resolutions.

One peel of the bell for Nancy Lanza’s humanity would have taken us a good distance down that road of wise understanding and just resolution.

Gerard, I am so glad you wrote this. However, I’m reluctant to diagnose anyone from news reports and the fact that I am not a qualified doctor. In time we may learn some facts about Adam and information may be verified. Yes, Nancy Lanza is victim.

I agree that we can’t diagnose someone we’ve never seen based on the anecdotal evidence we read or hear, and I feel, as a fellow parent of someone on the spectrum, that we should restrain ourselves from drawing conclusions until we know more.

The Lord’s Prayer is a very powerful prayer that puts a condition on God’s forgiveness: “…forgive us our trespasses AS we forgive those who trespass against us.” I don’t like to forgive my enemies. Rather my first reaction to those who hurt me is revenge. Then there’s that prayer. If I want God’s forgiveness I must forgive. This is not suggested. It is demanded and impossible to do without God’s healing grace. May God have mercy on us all and may God’s healing grace fill the hearts of those who are suffering such an unimaginable loss with a divine peace that replaces all desire for vengeance.

What if it were, say, cars? For example, believing and preaching that cars were a valid instrument of self defense, taking an emotionally challenged boy to the speed track to drive fast, allowing video games where the object is to drive fast and run over as many enemies as possible, and collecting several hot rods and leaving the cards in the driveway and the keys in the cars. To use another analogy, this woman was playing with matches in a dynamite factory that bordered an elementary school. I agree with Jane — Adam Lanza didn’t just find the gun channel on cable by accident. He was introduced to guns and trained to kill by a woman who was a bit paranoid, a feeling that no doubt fueled her excessive gun collection more than any of her son’s needs. I am not against guns, but I am appalled by the stupidity that too often surrounds them.

I thank you for defending this mother. She, along with all involved need our unending prayers. No one on this earth is perfect. Only our Father in heaven. Parenting is hard work in any situation. We all have made many a mistake. For any of us to perceive she led her son to commit this terrible act is unbelievable. We, as Christians, know better. Instead, we could all use our energy condemning abortion that kills over 3000 babies a day.