How to be a Man

1 . Kill and prepare your own food. Take the pheasant I ate only a few days ago; prepared and cooked it myself. Granted, the pheasant I killed was one that was daft enough to end up on the front of my car, and certainly not the one I ate, but I did prepare a delicious sage and onion stuffing to go with the one that I hunted down in Tesco.

2. Drink pints. Coke comes in pints. So does cranberry juice. Ever seen that scene in The Departed where Leonardo DiCaprio busts open the gangster in the bar? Of course you have, that scene is awesome! So, what could be manlier than drinking pints of cranberry juice? Exactly.

3. Make things with your bare hands. Essays are things. And you use your bare hands to type. So, typing essays is manly as long as you don’t wear gloves. And if you must use tools…

4. Use the right tool for the job (and use it right). How many of you have a bottle opening hammer? How can you open beer while working if you don’t have a bottle opening hammer? How can you have the audacity to call yourself a man if you aren’t drinking from a bottle when you hammer? Honestly!
Note: Don’t use words like audacity. Sorry, that one got away from me a little.

5. Stand up for yourself. Being assertive is important. Don’t be too assertive though, you don’t want to annoy people. Probably best not to be assertive in front of people either, you don’t want to get your teeth kicked in. But you’d better send that tosser a strongly worded email.

6. Train for WAR! CoD counts as war.

7. Mark your territory. After all, it is yours. Don’t just write your name on your underwear, you have to really mark it. Leave your scent around, let others know you’ve been there. Of course, you don’t really want to mark your territory on your house (or on your mattress, like a few overzealous guys I could name). Maybe better just to mark your territory in the pub toilets before you leave.

8. Man up! “You must be swift as the coursing river, (Be a man!) With all the force of a great typhoon. You must have strength like the raging fire, (Be a man!) mysterious as the dark side of the moon”. You see how easy it is? Even Disney understands it. And nothing is manlier than family friendly racism and cryogenically freezing your head.