My life has been really challenging in the past 4 years. I always thought of myself as a person who is spiritual. I believe that life throws things at us to learn from it, and grow. In the past 4 years my spirituality has been getting deeper and stronger. I’m getting closer and closer to God with all the pain I am going through. Through my mistakes I realize my flaws and the things that block me to get even closer to him. To me God is love, that is unlimited, unconditional. How to get to it? Well…we all have our own journey to get to him if we chose to. If I wanted to summarize it first 3 things that comes to mind is: Surrender, fully accept and be grateful! It is not that easy and straight forward though….

I realize as I get deeper into the journey the lessons get greater and more painful unless I am able to understand them before. Unfortunately when the pain is great enough it is more likely to be recognized. If it is not it won’t be addressed. The pain I am going through right now had brought me to my knees.
I just feel I need to write. So I do. I am here to share my thoughts…

If every relationship, friendship, situation is there to bring us closer to love and to point out our blocks which keep us away from our source…then the resistance we put up against that very love even in the most challenging situations is pushing us away from it.

Resistance is when we fight it, when we can’t forgive, when we are arrogant, when we are not taking responsibility. When we defend, when we attack, when we control. When we are not acting out of love or from our heart. It does not matter for what reason, because we can all find excuses for not being loving and being “right” from our point of view. The truth is that this isn’t about right or wrong.

And there is where our secret lies. We all have our point of view. No matter how different the other person’s standpoint is, it is still theirs and it is just as true as ours. We judge ourselves for what others see in us, we judge ourselves for what we see. We think we need to choose who is right or who is wrong. No one is right and no one is wrong. We just are! I am and you are, and we are!

Our world view is created by all the memories we fabricate with all the experiences we went through in life. When we go back on the memory lane what matters is not what really happened, but the memory, the thought, the idea, the feelings we created about ourselves and the way we relate to the world because of that. That shapes us. That shapes our lives. That shapes our journey. That’s where we form the emotional patterns in our lives. The way we love, the way we feel loved, the things we do when we protect ourselves, our ideas, our identity from “danger”.

That can make it harder or easier! Depends. Again, my point is not to judge the past, but to realize its power over my present moment.
I see my challenges today bringing my past up. The feelings I have and my reactions are all responding to these memories.

One of my biggest lessons I found is to be fully accepting of myself.
Since I was a child I did not feel validated (reminding you this is only my perception of my past). I lost my voice and I lost my true self. I have been looking for it and I am getting closer to it, but one of my biggest blocks is that I need validation from others.

I need to be heard. I need to be seen. I need to be loved by others.
With needing validation from the outside world I built co-depended relationships. Of course not all of them are, but on some level maybe…actually maybe they all are. After all, all the people who are close to me are people who validate me on some level but definitely accept me for who I am.

I realize I can’t depend on others validation. My voice is my voice. My feelings are mine. My thoughts are my thoughts. My beliefs are mine. I am who I am. An imperfect human being who is seeking and trying to understand. I desire, I dream, I feel! Are those dreams the same as everyone else’s? They aren’t… They are simply perfect in their own shape and form as part of my journey.

I don’t want to depend on others’ acceptance. I don’t want to depend on others’ love.

I realized that when I am not accepting my voice I won’t accept when someone can’t hear it.
It sounds so backwards, doesn’t it?

This is my truth.

I am learning to accept myself for who I am with all my flaws and with all my beauty.
I am learning to accept others for who they are.
I am learning to accept life as is and stop fighting it.
So it is!