Tag: Personal

No day is exactly the same, but most days for me have ended the same way.

I sit on my bed and watch the sun fade through my blinds, as the lines of light dance on the wall across from me. I don’t think of anything in particular. It’s almost like I’m waiting for something to happen, watching the lines like they’ll suddenly change direction or grow brighter rather than dim and eventually disappear.

Recently I’ve been facing a great challenge. Those closest to me are aware of my struggles and have an inside look at the trials and tribulations that a somewhat grieving individual goes through to feel “alright” with their circumstances. I want to offer an explanation to others, but because of the sensitive nature of what’s going on, I can’t. It’s unfortunate, but it’s necessary.

Stay tuned, and be patient. I’m learning to be patient myself.

I’m also learning that vulnerability is okay. Being vulnerable is one step closer to making positive change. I could use some of that. We could all use some of that.

Jess,

You are so much stronger than your circumstances. I understand that you are feeling overwhelmed, burned out, and less than yourself. I acknowledge that the situation you are facing right now is emotional and raw. I validate your reactions; I validate your concerns.

You are in a position that you, quite some time ago, never believed you would be strong enough to place yourself in. Yet, here you stand. You are anxious and worrisome, but you are also bold and strong. You did not get to this place alone, but you did not have much help making the decision to move forward either. That decision was so difficult for you, but you made it based on the needs of yourself and the needs of others, and you made it bravely.

You feel weak and confused at times, but you are standing across from your demons and you are not backing down. You question yourself and those around you, but you also stand firm and advocate for yourself and your needs.

You look in the mirror and see the exhaustion hanging off of your features, like a warn house full of secrets and forgotten memories, dull, hollowed in spots and blackened in others. I see you, the everlasting foundation beneath the peeling wallpaper.

I am proud of you.

I am proud of you for diving deeper into yourself when you feel unsure of your emotions and regretful of your decisions. I am proud of you for waking up in the morning and taking that first, terrible step out of bed. I am proud of you for speaking up and speaking out.

It is 3:00pm and I’m in my pajamas eating a dark chocolate orange and enjoying the silence of Jon’s apartment, aside from the steadily clicking keys on my computer keyboard.

I’m suddenly overwhelmed with this immense feeling of intense gratitude and contentment.

Guys, life has been crazy lately.

A few weeks ago I received news that a family member that sexually abused me when I was younger, sexually abused another child. That same week I had just started a new job and was trying to balance it with my other two jobs, stressing about affording Christmas, and noticing that some of my Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia symptoms were increasing.

Fast forward a week and my great-uncle passed away. My mother and grandfather had surgery on the same day (they’re both fine and recovering well). And, I’m still struggling to cope with the news about my abuser. My abuser contacted me while intoxicated towards the middle of the week and I didn’t really experience the full effects of speaking with him until the next day when I seemingly couldn’t stop crying and ended up skipping all of my classes for the remainder of the week.

I sat down and thought about writing a blog post about the reality of dealing with psychological symptoms that follow sexual assault, but I didn’t.

Instead, I sat down and I talked to my significant other.

Jon has been so understanding through everything. He has always been careful and kind and forgiving no matter the circumstances when I am going through something difficult. Over the summer, coming to terms with a new and scary chronic illness challenged our relationship in a multitude of ways. All of a sudden I was this terrified little girl that couldn’t leave her house for a meal or an adventure. We definitely struggled with communication, but ultimately, he helped me move past my anxieties about my symptoms and before I knew it, we were picnicking in the park on Sunday mornings and visiting the zoo on rainy afternoons.

I think the hardest part about confiding in anyone, especially those you’re close to and whose opinions matter most to you, is the idea that you could be rejected or misunderstood. That’s what stopped me from talking to him about how strongly the assault affected me, because I didn’t feel like my emotions or thoughts were valid. But, they are. For those of you that are going through similar things or have been there, know that what you are experiencing is real and valid and that you will recover and persevere.

For me, talking to him really helped, even though it took such a long time to work up the courage to. But, I’m so thankful I finally I did.

Yesterday was our two year anniversary. I have a stomach virus or something, not entirely sure, but we had to postpone celebrating until later this week. Last night wasn’t the most amazing night of our lives. We got into a disagreement about something trivial and I had to eat rice for dinner because my stomach is so finicky, and anyways, the night ended with one or both of us crying into the shirt of the other.

There’s something so beautiful and raw in expressing pent-up emotions, to just lay it all out on the table to be dealt with and to be understood.

This morning we woke up, he kissed me gently before he went to work, and he surprised me with Chic-Fil-A for lunch. I climbed back in his bed to study for finals, and to type this blog post in absolute appreciation for our relationship, for him, and for this life.

Our relationship isn’t perfect. We both have our faults, as humans, and we both have our faults, as lovers. It’s natural to have a push and pull in every relationship. However, it’s not so natural for the push to become a shove and the pull to become a tear (always remember that). I’m thankful that we’re able to communicate and find new ways to surprise each other. I’m thankful that we’re still in love after two years together. And, I’m hopeful that we’ll be in love and living in happiness for much, much longer.

There are a lot of things that I’m uncertain about in my future. I’m graduating college in about five months. I’m not sure where I’ll go to get my Master’s degree, where exactly I’ll be living, or how I’ll be making ends meet. But, I know that I’m capable and I’m excited to see what happens next, preferably with him by my side.

Earlier today an older gentleman holding a vase of red and white flowers knocked on the door to Jon’s apartment. The note read “no message,” and I couldn’t help but smile and chuckle at the endearing gesture after calling him and hearing that he’d left a message after all.

“Happy Anniversary, I love you.”

It’s the little things.

After a few weeks of dredging through emotional sludge, I’m feeling more mentally grounded than I have in quite some time.

It’s this mindfulness that’s allowing me to express gratitude even in uncomfortable situations like disagreements, fighting this stomach bug, and knowing that my abuser is still out there.

It isn’t a cure-all, but it’s a start to feeling better and doing better.

I think, considering, I’m doing just fine.

A reminder: Be gentle, kind, compassionate, and caring to yourself and those around you this week and every week. College kids, be strong and determined as you conquer your finals and know that academic stress is temporary. I love you all, and I want you all to succeed.

If you pay attention to the minute details, you’ll get a glimpse at the cyclical nature of it all, constantly repeating itself like the falling leaves of autumn, seemingly stuck in an infinite loop until no further leaves are left on the tree.

Are we the leaves, or the tree?

Yesterday it happened again.

I felt the familiar chest pain, digging into my rib cage, settling in next to my tired heart.

I took a deep breath and I moved on.

Then again, on the couch as I studied next to a friend, I felt the familiar warmth creep up my neck as my head began to spin.

Recovering from last January took eight months. I went to counseling. I saw numerous doctors. I was poked and prodded by needle after needle until I feared my skin would turn purple indefinitely. I peeled countless heart monitor stickers off of sensitive skin and placed new ones on top of red blisters and small patches of mild bleeding.

I was terrified then.

Over an eight month span I taught myself that my body is my friend, that I needn’t be afraid of it or its capabilities. I stopped drinking caffeine. I was selfish because I needed to be, for my mental health, for my physical health.

The time I took to recover was so incredibly necessary, but so very time consuming.

I’m a senior in college now, staring my final semester in the face. I’ll be done in six months. That’s it… just a measly six months are standing before me and the end of my undergraduate education.

Yet here I sit, terrified again.

I’ve been feeling this way for two weeks, felt the symptoms start to slowly appear again like they’re as frightened as I am for their return.

Are they returning?

Is this it? Am I damned to live through the cycle of symptoms every year? Over and over?

I’m waiting.

I’m not sure if I’m waiting for them to fully set in, or if I’m waiting for them to fade, but nonetheless I’m present for them. I’m prepared for them this time.

On Monday in class I took a personality quiz that required me to select adjectives that describe myself. I scanned the page, not struggling with selecting quite a few until I came upon the word “fearless.” I paused for a moment and I took in the word, reflected on its meaning. I thought about the obstacles I’ve faced in my young life thus far.

As an eight year-old, I adopted the word “brave” as a descriptor for myself after having broken bones set without anesthetic. After reporting childhood sexual assault to a counselor when I was twelve, I adopted the word “strong.” In high school, I struggled with coming to terms with the sexual assault, leading to promiscuity and a handful of bad decisions related to marijuana, older men, and my academic integrity. I was described as “wild,” “courageous,” and “capable,” because I put effort into changing my habits and turning around bad decisions, so that I could succeed in honors courses, maintain healthy friendships, and continue with my academic extra curriculars.

I circled the word, “fearless.”

Because… why not? Aren’t I?

I’ve been fearful at times, but I’ve conquered so much of that fear with perseverance, optimism, strength, courage, and determination. And, while I’m still not 100% confident that I consider myself completely fearless, it’s something that I’m working up to feeling, believing, and ultimately being.

In the words of Poppy, Princess of the Trolls:

“I’m not giving up today. There’s nothing getting in my way. If you knock, knock me over, I will get back up again. If something goes a little wrong, well you can go ahead and bring it on.”

The cycle continues; overcome and become.

Leaves. Tree.

ps: Please remember that while your education is important, your health is more important; take time to take care of yourself and focus on your needs.

For more information on Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia, my eight month break, or to see my most recent posts, check out the links below!

Yesterday I peed in a plant pot, on the side of the road, next to a church.

#NOSHAME

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

Apparently I had to do that.

Next line of business…

Lately I’ve been dealing with this uncomfortable feeling of belonging. Like I’m somehow at this stage of my life where I don’t really care what others think of me, because I feel like I fit into life just fine. It’s uncomfortable because it isn’t my norm. I’m so used to being on my toes and feeling like I needed to do everything to the expectations of everyone else. I’m not sure when that changed but it did, suddenly it seems.

I’m less afraid. Whoa, that’s a big one.

That’s not to say that I’m fearless, although I’d like to be. I think I’m finally just at the point where it’s like, this is what you feel like every day and it isn’t changing but you are so buck up or get off the ride. I feel settled. Like magically this heart feels somewhat like mine again, and these bones fit my body better somehow. I’m less afraid of myself.

Less. That’s the keyword there.

Sitting in my dorm room, away from my family and in this awkward transition period of my adult life feels natural and still so foreign. This place, this college, the college that I once dreamed of returning to after each summer is now a place of both solace and discomfort; if those are emotions that can exist together simultaneously. I love the rose gardens, tall brick buildings, and promise of better futures for those around me, but it doesn’t feel the same this year.

It reminds me of that time. That night I sat in the emergency room that I’d driven by over and over before and never thought of. I was shaking, frightened, clammy, fragile, in an overly-large wheelchair, next to a bunch of strangers. A man with a buzz-cut that smelled like car oil was tackled by a police officer on top of my mother and I that night, around 2AM. I hid behind her as best I could as his pants fell to his ankles and he was handcuffed.

When I think of this campus I think of that night, and I hate myself for it.

How does one accidentally ruin something important? That’s how.

Wait, let me check myself before I wreck myself.

Everything happens for a reason Jess, you know this. You literally live by this.

In other news…

I’m so tired of being told not to let anxiety control my life. It’s like I’m a fish in a fish bowl and people are constantly feeding me BULLSHIT FLAKES until I die. If telling someone to mellow out and stop letting anxiety run rampant on their life was actually effective, mental illness wouldn’t be one of our nations leading killers. Honestly.

It does more damage than it does good to use anxiety and other mental illness as a catch-all for behaviors, ideals, and emotions that may be completely unrelated.

*mic drop*

In all seriousness life really is like living in a fish bowl. Like a tiny goldfish, we often feel trapped and confused. But, also like the goldfish, we feel content and even happy. Have you ever stopped to think, for us the world is our ocean quite literally in that we have the whole world at our fingertips. Whereas for a goldfish, the fish bowl is its world. It doesn’t care because everything beyond the fish bowl is unreachable and therefore unattainable. I know people that look at life the same way. Goals and aspirations are at their fingertips but still so far out of reach that taking a leap for them doesn’t feel worth it.

If you’ve been following my long and somewhat ridiculous health journey on social media, on Living with Spunk, or in real life, then you know that I haven’t had an exact answer for what’s been going on with my health and heart since late January. Well, big news!!! I have an answer now!!

After seeing a cardiologist in one of the most popular and most recommended clinics in Charlotte, I was feeling incredibly discouraged. The doctor (I’m not bashing individuals so I’m not naming names- contact me if you need to know for personal reasons) seemed annoyed at our consultation, rolling his eyes a few times throughout the appointment, ignoring me when I started to faint during his examination (wtf), and just seeming so unconcerned through the whole process. I was told to wear an event monitor, which is a small heart monitor that you take home with a button to press when you feel an episode coming on. I wore the monitor for two weeks, and then sent it through the mail back to the clinic. Well four weeks came and went and I still hadn’t received any kind of call about my results. I called the clinic and was told that the doctor was uninterested in scheduling a follow-up appointment because he didn’t think it was necessary, as my results weren’t too abnormal.

My family was blown away by how we had been treated at this “renowned” clinic.

We went to my primary care doctor and told him exactly what happened and he sent us to another clinic in the Charlotte area.

Well, I went to the new cardiologist yesterday and after months of waiting for a diagnosis, an explanation, etc. I finally got one.

This doctor explained everything in detail, went over medication options, and lifestyle changes. I have Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia. According to the doctor, my heart is reacting in a way that a typical heart would react when you are being poked with needles repeatedly. It’s racing but not in a dangerous way that could cause me any harm or long-term medical issues. This type of tachycardia is common in women my age, and could be lifelong or just last a matter of weeks. It could stay or go in a matter of time. My heart itself isn’t causing this issue, it’s something sending signals to my heart. However, we still aren’t sure what; that’s part of this diagnosis. It could be my PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome), it could be that I’m overproducing adrenaline (waiting on test results), or that I had mono in the past and didn’t know it. It could honestly be anything. But basically, I can live my life. It isn’t threatening.

Through this whole thing I’ve been stopping myself from enjoying things that I used to.

Should I travel for the weekend? Well not if we don’t know what’s up with my heart, like what if I need my doctor?

Should I go to the mall? Well if I faint or something, it could be really bad since we don’t know why.

The cardiologist told me to live my life. He told me to stop avoiding things out of fear, because I didn’t have answers and now I do.

I have answers.

Finally.

I still have a stress test to do before I’m completely out of the dark when it comes to the tachycardia, but I’ve already been told I can live life normally until then. The stress test will show how high my heart rate gets when I exercise, just to make sure that I can exercise without hurting myself of causing any kind of major distress.

I’m just so excited to get back to normal, and now that I know I can still do everything I did before the tachycardia started, there’s nothing really holding me back.

Self-care is so important.

I woke up feeling particularly anxious this morning. Anxiety is something I’ve been dealing with quite often recently. A great deal of it stems from trying to manage tachycardia. If you want to learn more about tachycardia and how it affects me, click hereto be directed to my post Living with Tachycardia 101.

With tachycardia you already have an elevated heart rate and when you add anxiety to the mix, your heart rate increases further. So, when I start to feel anxious I focus on grounding myself as much as possible to avoid feeling exhausted and weak.

Today I’m sharing with you some super easy ways to practice self-care!

Take a long bath

For added relaxation add some Epsom salt, essential oils, or bubbles!

Make a list of things you’re grateful for

Sometimes anxiety is caused by lots of negative thoughts and emotions. This combats negative thinking. If you think of reasons to be happy and grateful, it’ll definitely make it harder to be obsessed with what you don’t like or want to change.

Put on a face mask

Spend time with your pet

Cuddling with animals can reduce stress, according to various studies.

Read your favorite book

Sometimes getting your mind off of what you’re thinking about can really help to calm anxiety. Mindfully reading a book is a great way to keep your mind busy without your thoughts racing.

Meditate

Meditation is a great way to calm the mind and body. I used to meditate during anxiety attacks and it helped so much. If you can’t get into sitting in silence and meditating, you can try a guided meditation. They have a wide variety of them on YouTube and apps like Omvana.

Color or draw

Coloring and drawing are like minor forms of art therapy. They help release pent-up emotions and feelings, while calming you down with repetitive motions and distractions.

Journal

Thinking about heavy things and need an outlet? Journal. You can find journal prompts all over the internet if you need ideas to get started.

Watch your favorite movie or TV show

Like I keep saying, distraction is key! If you can get your mind off of what’s bothering you, you’ll start doing better! I like watching animated movies when I’m stressed or anxious.

Diffuse essential oils

I’ve mentioned how therapeutic essential oils can be when used properly in so many of my other posts. I am obsessed with essential oils. I’m not saying that they can cure anything and everything, but they make living so much easier.

*If you’re interested in learning more about essential oils and their many uses let me know in the comments below! I’m thinking about making a post about how I use them!*

Have a hot cup of tea

Hot beverages are calming in general, and beverages without caffeine like herbal teas are extra calming. I like drinking chamomile tea when I’m stressed.

Try yoga

Yoga has been used for centuries to heal the mind, body, and spirit. It leaves most people feeling relaxed, rejuvenated, and content. I love practicing yoga before bed, and right after I wake-up in the morning. Check out Yoga with Adriene.

Take a nap

Napping is almost like pushing “refresh” for your body. It gives you time to unwind and relax. According to various sleep studies, 20 minutes is the perfect amount of time to nap in the middle of the day.

Light a candle

A lot like using essential oils, this idea is all about grounding yourself through smell. Lighting a familiar scent can really help pull you out of any funk.

Get some fresh air

Feel like you need to run from a situation? Feel like you need to clear your head? Go take a walk outside.

Call a friend or family member

Sometimes you just need to hear a familiar voice to feel less alone. I like calling my grandma when I’m having a bad day and need someone to distract me from what’s going on in my life.

De-clutter your space

It is a known fact that the more cluttered your space is, the more cluttered your head will be. Take some time to tidy up your space when you’re feeling stressed. It’ll make a real difference.

Wake-up early

I like to wake-up as the sun is rising and watch it from my bed as it comes up. I can’t see the sun from my window, but I can see the colors in the sky changing, and watch the sunlight touch different parts of my yard as it rises. It’s relaxing and beautiful.

Open your window

This goes along with needing fresh air. Circulate some fresh air through your home by opening a window. You may even get some natural background noise such as bird chirping, the wind blowing, or (if you live in the city) cars passing.

Hydrate! Hydrate! Hydrate!

Water is so important! I drink water around the clock, but crave it especially when I’m anxious! Make yourself a tall glass of ice water, and if you have a straw handy use it! Growing up I learned that drinking through a straw can actually help to regulate your breathing when you’re in the middle of an anxiety attack.

This post is going to be a bit more personal than many of my others. I’ve had a lot on my mind recently and I made this blog with the intention to be 100% open with you all and 100% invested in its success. So here I am, sharing my current reality.

The following is my experience.

If you’ve read my post Living with Tachycardia 101, then you know that I’m currently taking a short break from my studies to deal with some medical problems.

This post is directed to those of you in similar situations, thinking of leaving or having left due to medical illness.

It took me almost a month to make the decision to leave college for a semester, and I still feel uneasy thinking about it. It feels unnatural, being home while my friends are studying and being independent from their parents.

You might lose a great deal of independence.

My independence was a big deal to me. Before I began dealing with tachycardia and the other various symptoms that have popped-up along the way, I was as independent as I could be. I bought my own groceries. I paid for school by myself as much as I could. I set my own schedules at work and school. I didn’t depend on my parents for dinner, a ride anywhere, etc. That changes when you leave, especially when you’re sick.

I came home feeling dependent on my parents. Dependent on their approval especially.

Was I making the right decision? Were they disappointed in me?

It took me a few weeks to realize that I had to do what I thought was best for myself, regardless of the opinions of anyone else.

You could spend a lot of time alone.

If you’re taking a leave of absence for medical reasons, like I am, and you can’t work right away, you’re probably going to be alone the majority of the day every day. My younger brother goes to high school, works sometimes after school, and also has extra curriculars. Both of my parents work during the day. So, I’m left at home by myself at least five days out of the week. At first this seems like an advantage. I know I was excited to be able to rest and relax alone with Netflix and no major responsibilities. But it becomes lonely after a few weeks, and you begin to get tired of being alone.

I keep thinking to myself:

If I were at school, I could call a friend to watch a movie with me.

I could talk to someone face-to-face.

You’ll probably lose a lot of your support system.

I don’t want to say that you’re losing them because they’re technically still there, but you aren’t. The majority of my support system was composed of college friends, professors, and in some instances even employers. Making the decision to come home, I also had to grapple with the fact that I was leaving all of them behind. The reality is I can’t just pick up a phone and ask my best friend to come over, because she’s miles away in a classroom. I can’t just ask a friend to stay the night because they aren’t a few doors down from me anymore. It’s challenging. I know that they’re still there, but they aren’t within a reachable distance and that makes it so much harder to feel supported. I can’t hug my friends when I’ve had a bad day, because they simply aren’t there.

Don’t get me wrong, my family is a huge part of my support system. But it’s different. It’s so completely different. There’s nothing like watching an old movie with a good friend, being held by them while you cry, or getting milkshakes at midnight because you both feel like your life is in shambles.

You’ll feel like you’re missing out on a lot.

When you leave college behind you also leave behind the culture. I can’t go to the functions on campus because I’m not there. I can’t struggle through midterms with my friends because I’m not taking any. I don’t know any of the happenings on campus and can’t hear any of the new gossip because I no longer work in Student Life. You just feel so out of the loop.

You could struggle with anxiety and/or depression.

This has been a big one for me. Being alone the majority of the time, I’m left with my thoughts. And sometimes that isn’t a good thing.

What the hell is happening to my body? Why am I sick like this? Why is this happening all of a sudden? Will they ever find an answer? Will I have to live like this for the rest of my life?

A lot of the time no one seems to be as concerned as you are, which makes you wonder:

Am I blowing this out of proportion?

Which leads to:

Did I make the right decision to leave school?

It’s a downward spiral that leads to intense anxiety. There’s so many what-ifs when you have an undiagnosed illness.

On the other hand, you’ve isolated yourself either in an attempt to manage the anxiety that you’re experiencing, or because, like me, you don’t have access to the public during the day. Isolation leads to depression. You start thinking things like:

Maybe I did something to deserve to feel this way. My friends and family probably feel like I’m a burden. I’m too dependent on my loved ones. Maybe my boyfriend will leave me because I’m so needy. Maybe my friends will stop talking to me because I don’t have school in-common with them. Maybe I should just give up completely.

You’ll have good days too, even great ones.

Just yesterday I was in Charlotte, North Carolina enjoying pizza with Jon, thinking to myself how lucky I was to be sitting across the booth from someone so understanding, encouraging, and full of life. That morning we drove almost an hour to the mall to buy lavender-chamomile soap from a store with only one location in the Charlotte area. He didn’t act like it was a chore, and he distracted me from thinking about how I felt. When I started to get anxious about how fast my heart was beating, how dizzy I felt, etc. I just hooked my arm into his and let it come, knowing that if I should fall he would catch me. We got milkshakes at one of our favorite ice cream shops and drove through downtown just so I could look at the big buildings and interesting people.

Your family will always be there for you.

This morning I called my grandmother because I was beginning to feel discouraged and anxious about how dizzy I’ve been the past few days, and was met with:

You’ve been doing so much better and you’re going to do even better.

My mother has been my rock through this entire ordeal. When I first decided to come home, she didn’t approve, and sometimes it still seems like she doesn’t, but regardless she’s there for me. She has been to every doctor’s appointment with me, and has been my advocate 99.9%. She looked my cardiologist in the face and said:

As women our symptoms are often brushed off as anxiety. Don’t do that to her. I want you to leave no stone unturned.

You’ll be just fine.

I’m not there yet, and if you’re reading this you probably aren’t either. But, I’m getting there one day at a time. Someone the other day told me that I was getting better, and I met that with the response: