Hermione discovers the power Harry has that the Dark Lord knows not. Harry enlists the aid of a certain carbosilicate amorph, who lives to kill people and break their things. A most silly fic. Harry/Hermione, Ron/Luna, Neville/Ginny, Schlock/Noone

A/N:
I don't own Harry Potter and wouldn't particularly care to. I
would like a rental agreement with option to buy for Hermione
Granger. A short term contract with Nyphadora Tonks wouldn't be
turned down. A Long-term agreement with Luna Lovegood would probably
be a whole lot of fun. Any time Padma Patil wants to open
negotiations, call me and oh for a weekend with Fleur. Oddly
Lavender and Padma's sister (despite being her twin) Parvarti do
nothing for me… I also don't own Sergeant Schlock or his plasma
cannon, but if I did, some people would pay, oh yes, they would pay…

A/N2:
Special thanks to Ted Carroll, Shawn Harris, for their assistance in
taking my drek and turning it into something readable.

Harry
Potter and the Narrative Causality

"Harry?"

"Yeah
Hermione?"

She
was sitting across from him at their 7th
year welcoming feast. She had just given him a very odd look.
"Harry, we need to talk."

"I
thought we were."

"No."
she said reaching for another roll. "We need to speak privately.
Meet me at my suite after the feast."

HPNC—HPNC—HPNC—HPNC

The
Gryffindor Head Girl's suite was really impressive; its common room
rivaled the house common room for size and comfort. Of course the
suite includes her private bedchamber. A large portion of his
consciousness was focused on this detail. What could his best friend
of 6 years want with him? Did he dare hope?

Hermione
emerged from her bedchamber, her school robes abandoned, clad in the
Muggle jeans and Jumper she had been wearing on the train, her feet
bare, she padded to him, and slid onto his lap, wrapped her arms
around his neck and kissed him.

She.
Kissed. Him.

While
his mind was attempting to deal with this, her tongue crossed his
lips and gently explored his mouth. By this time his body had
declared his mind a total loss and was responding as best it could
without guidance. By the time his mind caught up with what was
happening, Hermione was moaning into her kisses. In a single flowing
move, she stood and pulled him into her bedchamber.

HPNC—HPNC—HPNC—HPNC

"Wow."
He lay on his back looking up into the rafters of the Head girl's
bedchamber, a delightfully naked Hermione cuddled in close beside
him, kissing his chest.

"I
think I have a new favorite wand." She nibbled on his earlobe, then
continued "You were thinking about this while I was changing
weren't you?"

"Oh,
Merlin, yes."

"I've
wanted to drag you into my bed for two years, but I was never brave
enough to actually do it."

"Two
years? But you were with Ron for most of that. What changed?"

She
sat up; he was again mesmerized by her breasts. "You did Harry.
Yes, I was with Ron, You were with Cho, then Ginny. I told myself
that I had to settle."

"What
do you mean? How did I change?"

"I've
been watching you for the last year. If you want something, you tend
to get it. If you expect something to happen, it does, both good
things and bad. Tonight, you decided you wanted me, and I couldn't
have resisted if I wanted to."

"I
don't understand."

"Remember
on the Express last spring? When the trolley came by, you remarked
that you'd really like a Mars Bar. Bette didn't even know what a
Mars Bar was, and I laughed at you for thinking you would find a
Muggle sweet on the Express. Then she found a single Mars Bar in one
of the drawers of her trolley. She couldn't remember stocking it,
but she had one." She lay down next to him again, missing his
warmth.

"But
what does that mean? I mean sure, somehow a fresh Muggle candy bar
showed up on the Sweets trolley, but it just seems to be a
meaningless coincidence."

Hermione
cuddled closer. "Let's look at your coincidences. First year,
you needed to get through the traps the Professors rigged to protect
the Philosophers Stone. You needed to get by fluffy, Hagrid let it
slip that the beast was put to sleep by music AND Hagrid gave you the
flute we used to put him to sleep. You needed someone to identify an
odd plant and who could get through a logic problem. You fought a
Troll to get me. You needed a chess player, by sheer coincidence you
meet and befriend Ron on the train."

"Second
year you needed to face the chamber alone so that you don't need to
worry about anyone else, so Lockhart steals Ron's broken wand, and
throws a Memory charm that somehow backfires and causes a cave in
that separates you from Ron and Lockhart. You need something to keep
a basilisk from killing you; Fawkes appears and blinds the beast.
Then you needed to kill it, and from the Sorting Hat, you pull the
Sword of Gryffindor because you needed it. Then you needed a way to
destroy the Diary, the Basilisk fan in your arm does the trick, and
the Phoenix, who no one has ever seen outside of the Headmaster's
office, cries on your wounds to heal you. "

"Third
year your magic decided that Pettigrew was too much of a danger, so
it arranges for the Weasleys to win a contest that allows them to go
to Egypt, have their picture taken for the Profit, and that
particular issue is placed in front of Sirius in Azkaban, not a place
where newspapers are very common. He manages to escape, what are the
chances that he is the only animagus ever to be sent to Azkaban?
Sirius manages to befriend my cat, who can not only identify an
animagus but is also intelligent enough to learn to press the knot
that stops the whomping willow, Do you remember what you were
thinking when we returned from the Shrieking Shack?"

"That
it was too good to be true."

"And
that's what caused Remus to forget to take his potion. Think about
that, he forgot. Have you ever known him to forget the full moon
before or since? Then you needed to save Sirius. I happened to have
a Timeturner. Think about that, the ministry put a time turner in
the hands of a thirteen year old girl. Sirius needed to escape, by
sheer coincidence there was a falsely condemned hippogriff we managed
to rescue. Then you, for your very first corporeal Patronus repelled
over one hundred dementors."

"Do
I need to go on? When you need something, want something, or expect
something, it happens, or has already happened and is waiting for you
to use it."

"But
Hermione, those are all just coincidences."

"That's
what I thought as well. This summer my mother had me sit down and
tell her everything that has happened to us since first year. She
listened to me, then got a note pad and had me start over while she
took notes. She pointed out to me every single convenient thing that
has happened to you, every time you just happened to have the talent
you needed, or access to someone who had the talent, that an animal
or item just happened to be available when you needed it, every time
something minor and seemingly insignificant happened that turned out
to be important later in the year. Mum said it was as if a bad
author was plotting out a story. I suggested that it might be your
magic making sure what you needed was available to you."

"So
either I'm a character in a poorly plotted story or my magic is
guiding my life?"

Hermione
reached down to take hold of him, giving him an appreciate stroke or
two. "You seem real enough for me. Ohh, someone wants to play
again." She straddled him and leaned down to kiss him. "You
know, I'm going to start expecting this kind of treatment."

HPNC—HPNC—HPNC—HPNC

"So
where were you last night Mate? You usually wait a night or two
before you start you all night roaming of the castle."

"Harry
spent the night with me Ron."

Ron
actually stopped eating. "With you?"

"Yes."

Ron
just stared at them for a five count, open mouthed. He then nodded.
"Good on you. Don't piss her off mate; she can be evil when she
puts her mind to it." Ron returned to his meal.

Harry
was relieved that Ron had taken it so well. When Ron and Hermione
had broken up at the end of the previous school year, it hadn't
been pretty, even after that every time another guy looked at
Hermione he had gone into screaming rages. Ron must be growing up.
Unless of course Hermione was right and Harry's magic had…

Had
he caused Ron to change? Had his magic controlled Ron? Harry shot a
look to Hermione who was smiling at him.

"Don't
worry about it. If it was you, it was unconscious. Don't sell Ron
short, maybe he has grown up, or maybe it's all right for me to be
with another man as long as the other man is you." she whispered.

"Ok"
Harry agreed. "So what do we do now?"

"I
think we need to try to exploit your talent."

"Exploit
how?" he asked.

"We
need to see if you can learn to use your talent consciously."

HPNC—HPNC—HPNC—HPNC

"I'm
not sure I understand" Neville Longbottom said. "What is you
claim Harry can do?"

"It's
called Narrative Causality, basically if he wants, or needs something
bad enough, he will get it. If he believes something will happen, it
will, good or bad."

Ginny
Weasley was sitting on Neville's lap (no reason beyond she liked to
do so, there was plenty of unused room on the sofa they were sharing)
"So what does this mean?"

"Basically
it means Harry controls the universe." Luna Lovegood was doing a
hand stand in front of Ron, allowing her skirt to fall and expose her
thong to the tall redhead before rolling onto his lap. "Properly
motivated and focused, he cannot lose. Tommy Riddle is dead." She
locked her legs around Ron and leaned backwards until she was hanging
upside down. "Harry, could I get an interview for the Quibbler?
The Public has a right to know how you're going to do it."

"As
soon as I know what I'm doing, you'll be the first I speak to
Luna."

"My
readers expect nothing else."

"I
don't know if I'd go as far as saying Harry controls the
universe." Hermione said, attempting to regain control of the
meeting. "But yes, as long as we can keep him focused and
motivated, Riddle IS dead, he just doesn't know it yet." She
went to the chalk board the Room of Requirements had provided. "As
I see it we've got three tasks. #1, find the Horocruxes." She
wrote in on the board. "#2. destroy the Horocruxes. And #3. Kill
Riddle."

Luna
unwrapped herself from Ron, stepped forward and quickly wrote #4
Profit!!! on the board in an odd old English script.

"What?
Profit? Why did you write that?" Hermione demanded, wondering
just how Luna managed to write so quickly in such a complex
font

"Because that's how the list goes. If he's
manipulating causality by using narrative flow then he has to work
with the common clinches to get the full effect."

"Ok,
that's what I've got to do; it's nice to see it laid out so
simply. Would anyone care to explain precisely HOW I'm supposed to
do those things?"

"You
don't need to worry about how Harry, you only have to worry about
why."

"Ok
Hermione, why am I going to do this?"

She
leaned forward and whispered in his ear.

Harry
paled. "Are you serious?"

"Yep.
On Snapes desk."

"Ok,
Riddle is Toast!"

HPNC—HPNC—HPNC—HPNC

Hermione
had Harry outside one of the multitude of empty class rooms that
seemed to fill the castle. On more than one occasion Hermione had
wondered just why Hogwarts had so many class rooms that never seemed
to have been used. They seemed to serve no purpose other offering a
rendezvous for couples looking for privacy.

Harry
was walking past the door for the 10th
time, chanting "I need to find all of Riddle's Horocruxes. I
want to find all of Riddle's Horocruxes. I will find all of
Riddle's Horocruxes."

"Ok
love." Hermione stopped him. "Lets see if it worked."

The
entered the room, having had to unlock the door (quite on purpose
they hadn't ever entered the room before.) The room was empty
other than a desk sitting in the center of the room. On that desk
was a leather bag.

Harry
and Hermione approached the bag hesitantly. With trembling fingers
Hermione untied the knot holding the bag closed and tipped the
contents out onto the desk top.

A
damaged diary, a ring with a damaged stone, a locket with an ornate
'S' on it, a Teacup, and a diadem.

"Wait,
we're missing one, there are only five here."

Master?
Where are you master?

"Did
you hear that?" Harry was looking around to locate the voice.

"I
didn't hear anything."

He
found the huge leather bag under the desk. Something large was
writhing inside the bag. Nagini?

Speaker?
Who are you speaker?

I
am Harry Potter Nagini.

You!
My Master will kill you!

"Found
it. Under the desk." He stared at Hermione. "It worked. It
really worked."

"You
doubted me?"

"Of
course not. I doubted me, you, you are a genius." He smiled.
"We've got them. We've got them all."

"Of
course we do." She said pulling him from the class room, having
placed the horocruxes in stasis, and applying 9 different locking
charms on the door as well as physically locking the door and placing
three different stunning wards in place.

"I
thought we were going to destroy them."

"We
will Harry, we will. First we have an appointment in the dungeons."

HPNC—HPNC—HPNC—HPNC

Severus
Snape entered his office in what for him passed for a good mood. He
had just gotten a first year Hufflepuff to cry. That was always a
good time. He sat at his desk, opening a drawer to get his favorite
'failure' quill. He used that quill exclusively for marking
Gryffindor essays.

That
was when he noticed the smell. And the general wetness on his desk
top. And the… mess he was sitting in.

"Potter!"

HPNC—HPNC—HPNC—HPNC

"Ready
Harry?"

"What's
my motivation this time Pretty Lady?"

"How
about the Hospital Wing? In your special bed?"

Harry
shuddered. Not his fantasy, but then neither was Snapes's desk,
though it had been fun denying everything when the Potions Master had
been making accusations. If it made Hermione happy, he was horny
enough to go anywhere. Harry and Hermione had returned to the empty
class room that contained the Horocruxes. Hermione unlocked the
door, and took down the wards; Harry began his pacing outside the
door, this time chanting "I need a way to destroy all of Riddle's
Horocruxes. I want a way to destroy all of Riddle's Horocruxes. I
will find a way to destroy all of Riddle's Horocruxes."

And
they entered the 'empty' class room.

It
wasn't as empty as they had expected. The Horocruxes were still on
and beside the desk, shimmering slightly in the stasis charm. On the
floor next to the desk was a large tub of some thick noxious liquid.
And standing in the center of the room, clad in lavender robes with a
matching peaked hat was Albus Dumbledore.

"Headmaster."
Harry said as he crossed to the table.

"Mr.
Potter, Miss Granger. Imagine my surprise when I found a collection
of objects of dark magic when I did my routine checks of the school."

"You
might have suspected that the Slytherin's were storing their toys
outside the Dungeons again."

"That
possibility did occur to me Mr. Potter. Then I investigated and
found all six of Voldemort's Horocruxes, including three I had
thought to be safely locked away in my office, to be here on this
desk. Then this tub of something suddenly appears just before the
two of you enter the room."

"Very
odd Headmaster." Hermione said. "But you really don't have to
worry about it anymore. Harry has the situation well in hand."

"True
Professor, we've got it from here." Harry picked up the diadem
and placed it in the tub. The surface of the liquid roiled for a
moment, then a wisp of vapor issued forth with what sounded like a
distant scream. As they watched the vapor dispersed into
nothingness.

"Mr.
Potter, those items are priceless artifacts, you cannot simply…"

"How's
your hand Professor?"

Dumbledore
raised his right hand and stared at the blackened dead flesh for a
moment. "Point taken Mr. Potter."

The
Locket followed the Diadem into oblivion, then the cup, the diary and
the ring. Neither the diary nor the ring had the vapor escape, which
confirmed to Harry that they were actually killing the soul
fragments. That only left the snake. Just placing the reptile in
the liquid was probably a bad idea, no doubt the substance, whatever
it was would disrupt the stasis, then the beast would struggle and
splash whatever was in the tub all over, which given the properties
it was displaying was probably not a good thing. Harry released the
snake from the bag, and before it could shake off the effects of the
stasis charm, used a cutting charm to sever its head. Harry placed
first the head and then the body of the snake into the fluid. Oddly
the vapor that was a soul fragment issued forth when the body was
dissolved, not when the head was destroyed."

"They're
gone." Harry breathed. "Riddle can die now."

"But
not tonight Harry." She took hold of his tie and pulled him from
the room leaving a bemused headmaster behind. He continued to stare
at the open door for several moments before he looked down to see
that the tub of mysterious fluid had disappeared.

HPNC—HPNC—HPNC—HPNC

"Ok
Harry. What's your plan?"

"Since
when do I do the planning Hermione? You always do the plans."

"That
was before the plan was to kill someone."

"Ok,
fine." He paced back and forth in front of the tree. "I need
something that can kill Tom Riddle. I want something that can kill
Tom Riddle; I will find something that can kill Tom Riddle."

"Who's
Tom Riddle?"

Harry
stopped his pacing, he and Hermione slowly turned toward the voice.

In
the shade of the tree… sat a amorphous blob, it had a pair of eyes
that seemed to float within its mass, a large mouth, and portions of
its mass extruded to form arms, which were currently crossed as the
thing surveyed the pair.

"Oooh,
a carbosilicate amorph." Hermione squealed. "They are very rare.
They are extremely strong, they eat anything that doesn't eat them
first, and they are immune to almost everything short of extreme heat
and extreme cold."

"Oooh,
Humans." Said the Amorph sarcastically. "Not rare in the
slightest, extremely weak, eat very few things without intestinal
distress, and are harmed by pretty much everything."

"How
do you know about whatever he is Hermione? I've never even
imagined anything like him."

"Uh,
I'm Harry Potter. Somehow, I think I accidently called you here."

"Accidently
eh? In my experience accidents usually involve things being blown
up." It looked about. "Well nothing seems to be exploding just
now. I'm Schlock, Sergeant, Tagon's Toughs. From the ship Serial
Peacemaker. How did I get here? That didn't feel like a Teraport."

"Sergeant?
Are you military?" Hermione asked.

"Hardly.
Mercenary. Our job is to kill people and break their things." He
saw the look on Hermione's face. "What? That's in the job
description that HR gave me when I signed on."

"Wait,
you said You are a mercenary?"

"Yep."

"What
would it cost me for you to take out my enemy?"

The
blob's eyes narrowed. "What 'cha got?"

The
negotiations went on for an hour. It was finally decided that
Schlock would kill Voldemort for 2 kilograms of gold, a case of
Ogdens, and Luna's butterbeer cork necklace (because Schlock felt
it would look cool on his BH-209) Schlock had started insisting on
the necklace when he found Luna making hand prints in his hide end.
It became totally nonnegotiable when she pressed her face into his
body mass, then pulled away to see how long the impression lasted.

Upon
receiving payment (Harry had willed the gold and the Firewhiskey into
existence and Luna returned from her dorm in a new outfit (because
the old one didn't work without the jewelry) and presented the blob
with her necklace) Sergeant Schlock announced himself ready to face
Voldemort.

Harry
stood and began his pacing again. "I
need Tom Riddle here without his wand. I want Tom Riddle here
without his wand. I will find Tom Riddle here without his wand."

It
didn't work the first time. Or the second. It wasn't until
Harry had done his chant for the tenth time that a dripping wet naked
Tom Riddle wearing only a shower cap and carrying a shower brush
appeared before them.

"Potter!"
Riddle hissed. "What have you done?"

"Sergeant?"
Harry asked.

"This
is the target?" The Blob asked. "I thought this was going to be
difficult."

"What
the hell is that Potter?"

Schlock
reached into his 'mouth' and extracted a large metal pistol-like
device. The device issued an ominous hum.

"This
is a BH-209 plasma cannon. It comes with the optional 'Glow of
Doom'. Nice ain't it?"

Sergeant
Schlock pulled the trigger on his plasma cannon and the device
discharged, hitting Riddle fully in the chest, vaporizing his chest.
The Dark Lord fell to the ground dead.

"Well,
that was easy." He replaced the plasma cannon back in its storage
location. "Hey kid, what are the chances of my going home?

Harry
closed his eyes and concentrated on sending Schlock home. When he
opened his eyes the Amorph was gone.

Dumbledore
had came running to the site of the fight, and was staring open
mouthed at the smoking corpse of the former Dark Lord.

"Mr.
Potter, how did you do this?"

"I
wished real hard?"

"Mr
Potter, this is wonderful!"

"You
bet! Now I'm wishing for something else."

Hermione
took his hand and pulled him away.

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