Man To Man: October 23, 2013

Got The First-Date Jitters?

There's this guy I've known for two years. He's a good chap, but everyone finds him gay, that he has no balls, etc. The problem is that he thinks of me as a mentor and sticks around me. How do I help him to change? Or should I just ditch the guy?

M.

Hey M,

Obviously, the biggest question here is what you really mean when you describe the way people perceive him. Do you mean to tell me that people find him gay, as in, he’s a man who is attracted to other men? If so, and you’re wondering how you go about changing that, I can’t help you there. I could go on about how that’s ridiculous and sexual orientation shouldn't matter, etc., but the truth is, I can’t regulate your morality, either. Just know that if that’s what you’re after, I can’t give you advice on how to go about performing an ill-advised gay exorcism.

More likely, I think people are just using a poor choice of words to convey that they think your friend is a wuss. Honestly, most friend groups have someone in that role — the one who’s not as smart/athletic/social as the rest of you. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. If you, for instance, are part of a big roving pack of awesome dudebros who just crush it every night at the bar, there’s a lot to be said for having a friend with a different perspective when things aren't going your way. Plus, as time wears on, you might find that your “sensitive” friend starts killing it with the ladies himself — the “alpha” antics begin to wear thin as women grow out of their college years.

On the other hand, it’s not fun for you to be thrust into this weird “mentor” role, especially when you didn’t ask to be. It doesn’t take much to feel like you’ve been saddled with an unwanted younger sibling, made worse by the fact that he’s supposed to be your peer. I remember thinking the older guys in my fraternity were the coolest people on earth. Years later, when I was in their position, I spent enough time preventing 19-year-old boys from doing themselves irreparable bodily harm to realize that the adulation isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Still, I wouldn’t advocate “ditching” him and burning a bridge. After all, I don’t see how his lack of balls reflects poorly on you.

The thing to understand is that your buddy isn't really looking for a “mentor,” or someone to help him. All he’s looking for is a little acknowledgment from the people he respects. And really, that doesn't cost you much of anything. When he does something cool, or cracks a good joke (and he must, occasionally, because why else would you hang out with him at all?), acknowledge it. Laugh. Let him know you noticed the cute girl he was talking to. If you want to help him along, point out qualities that he can feel confident about. As men, we’re typically pretty lousy at paying compliments to other men, but it doesn't have to be anything gushy or over the top. Just remind him that there’s a reason you call him a friend.

If enough people treat you as though you’re worthless for long enough, sooner or later you’ll start to believe it. You don’t need to be your buddy’s cheerleader or even go out of your way to protect his sensibilities. You just need to show him that he belongs.