The Grey Matters

I Was In There All Along

I was digging through some old files on my flash drive today. I opened a folder called “BLOG” that I hadn’t opened since 2012.

The file was called “BLOG EIGHT REGRETS,” so you know, I had to open it. Because jeez, what was I regretting way back in 2012? I thought all that stuff was later. Hmmmmm…

As I read, here is what I learned:

I haven’t really changed as much as I thought. How did I get tricked into thinking that my current state of uneasiness around certain topics and my beliefs that shatter inspirational quotes everywhere was a new thing? Looks like I was more me than I ever realized, even back before I had to work through some tough times to discover who I was. I was in there all along.

This is a very comforting thought, when all is said and done.

And here it is, a blog post I wrote, but never posted, back on July 23, 2012. (I’m publishing just how I left it… the “draft” version, if you will)

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BLOG POST EIGHT

Not Everything is Meant to Be

However much I would just love to spout out some cheesy quote about everything being meant to be… I simply can’t do it. I don’t think everything happens for a reason. In fact, I think a whole lot of sh*t just happens, and maybe there wasn’t a reason for it. I think we make our own reasoning, and therefore make the best of the situation.

“Everything happens for a reason” INSTEAD SHOULD BE “I can make any situation positive if I try hard enough.”

True?

And let me tell you something else, something that may rock your world. It will undo every [pinterest] quote you ever heard.

“Have no regrets, because at one point that choice was exactly what you wanted” INSTEAD SHOULD BE “If you regret something, that’s okay. Learn from your mistakes. Move past it. Become a better person. You may always regret that action, but you can control what happens after. And maybe you were just having a stupid, bad day.”

I recently wrote a character who believes this:

Excerpt from manuscript I Stumbled Upon You

[after being asked by a girl if he can forget the ‘crazy’ she was being the night before when she was drunk. She wants a re-do, so to speak]

“Do you think you could grand me that wish?” She asked.

“Which is…”

“To block out last night? Just forget Mia-the-randy and know me as Jane, the girl who you woke up to this morning?”

“I can do that.” Sure. I’ve always thought that we all get a certain amount of nights in our life that shouldn’t count. Nights that should be taken off the record book for good, and sometimes we can even get away with it. Others who were there will fail to mention it, we block it out with everything we can muster up, and boom, it’s gone. Lost somewhere in the realm of never-have-been or never-will-be again. Someone’s flat out lying to your ass if they say they don’t have a moment they need swept under the rug and erased from existence. Most people have more than one. I have one night like that. Just one. And I can’t shake it. Therefore I’ll do all I can to give Jane something I won’t get. People deserve that chance. I know this.

Do you agree with Ezra, the main character of this story?

Please share any thoughts. :)

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There you have it. Thoughts from a 22 year old Melinda. It might not be the most inspiring piece of writing, but at least it showed me something on this day, more than three years later. It’s like I left something for myself. I had no idea my life would take the turns it did. But I guess I knew that I’d still be thinking, “This isn’t really meant to be. But I’m sure going to make it okay.” I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have regrets. But I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t want to create a new adventure for myself, despite all that.