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query fail, part 1

in college (at wheaton), i had a buddy named greg daniel. greg and i lived on the same dorm floor when we were sophomores, but most of the other guys on the floor were freshman. and good times were had (including a hallway game called “dart wars” that resulted in me walking with a cane for a few weeks after i got a dart stuck in my knee cap).

i lost track of greg for years, but noticed he surfaced in christian publishing, as the executive editor of “w publishing” (then a division of thomas nelson). when thomas nelson disbanded w, greg started his own literary agency. now, when i’m in nashville, we usually connect, which has been fun.

anyhow, recently on his twitter page, greg went a little nuts for a day, tweeting a whole wad of “query fail” tweets. a “query” is the letter (or email) an aspiring author sends a publisher or agent in hopes of getting their writing considered. these babies had me laughing out loud, so i asked greg if i could collect them all and post them. they start out almost helpful, but quickly degrade to true weirdness.

here, for your amusement, i present part 1 of greg daniel’s list of query fail tweets:

Includes 50 other agents in the address line of the query email? #queryfail

Asks me to be patient with their 300,000 word novel because it really picks up steam after the first 50k words? #queryfail

Starts out by ranting about the idiot agents who have rejected their masterpiece? #queryfail

Addresses me “Dear Sir/Madam…”? #queryfail

Insists on calling me to tell me about their book because it’s too difficult to describe in writing. Uh…. #queryfail

Can’t correctly spell “query” in the subject line. Hmmm…. #queryfail

Asks me how to go about submitting? Uh. If you have my email address, then you obviously have my web site address with my guidelines #queryfail

Say you don’t know how to paste the first five pages of your manuscript into your email? Please get your 3-year-old to teach you. #queryfail

Tell me that God told you I would be the perfect agent for you? #queryfail

Start out by addressing me , “Dear Colleen…” #queryfail

Refer to your work as a “fictional novel”? #queryfail

Tell me you have an idea for a novel and want to get my opinion of it before you start writing it? #queryfail

Send me a snail mail query despite the fact that my guidelines say I don’t accept them? Pray for absolution for killing a tree, then #queryfail

Include a cover design you insist that the publisher use if your book is published? #queryfail

Call yourself a “published author” when what you really mean is “self-published”? #queryfail

So…let’s see…since I laughed at this too I am a bad Christian? He wasn’t making fun of the people, he was making fun of the bad query letters. These are people that didn’t use common sense when writing their query letters or comments to this person. I hope you would be really embarrassed because this is common sense stuff. Would you email a publisher and call him Colleen when his name was Greg? It’s not making fun of people; it’s the lack of common sense that’s hilarious.

But it’s not a free education on query writing for me because I’ve already paid people to teach me how to do that. The people who need the free education probably aren’t looking at this blog or the twitter account in question, so it’s a moot point for them. Not to mention that it doesn’t really tell people what they need to do, it just highlights their mistakes, followed by some sarcastic remarks.

Jim – no, *I* wouldn’t email a publisher AT ALL unless the submission/query guidelines explained that that was an acceptable procedure. But as I’ve said, I’ve been taught how to write queries and send submissions. Should these people use common sense in some of these cases? Definitely. But what is funny to you could cause potential embarrassment to someone else, someone that we would probably call Brother or Sister in Christ.

Perhaps I’m too sensitive about this sort of thing, but honestly, it looks to me like it’s making fun of people. We’ll have to agree to disagree on this one, I guess, but I’m still disappointed.

I’m Mark Oestreicher

I'm a partner in The Youth Cartel, providing services and resources for individual youth workers and organizations. I’ve been married to Jeannie for 30 years, and have two great kids: Riley (22) and Max (18).
Here's The Youth Cartel's website.
twitter: @markosbeard
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