1/25/2011

1/22/2011

Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities, just like in the movie "Black Swan" which by the way is the most disgusting movie I have ever seen. my heart and mind doesn't behave coherent, do you know what I mean? When I face a bad situation like if someone asks for help, my mind says "Go to hell, why would I help you, what's the point" whereas on the other hand, my real personality says "Of course I will, what goes around comes back around", I struggle with my mind, but my good side overcomes mostly(98%). But, I cannot make my mind stop talking, it's so stubborn that it never listens to anybody but itself, that's why I am having a hard time changing the way I think and feel. Here's an example, sometimes I sleep and when I wake up, I start remembering some scenes that I don't remember doing it, just like when you're hangover and the pieces of the puzzle come together, but in a different way. Another case happened two days ago, normally my alarm is at 6.30, at 6.29 on that morning, I literally heard someone saying wake up, and saw her face, it's just a bit blurry, when I woke up, in 3 seconds the alarm went off and there was nobody near me, creepy right?

Yesterday, I was lying in my bed, trying to sleep, and I thought about people and stuff. There's just a stupid idea I am stuck with. I said to myself, I'm afraid of losing him, but here's the problem, how can I have the possibility to lose him when I don't own him, I mean "own" is not the verb I would want to use, but our minds function that way if you notice. I say to myself, watch your actions, watch your looks and think before you talk, that way he will fall into you. But here's the case, if you behave the way he wants, you will never be yourself. I don't know why, but while I write on my blog, I change subjects so quickly, I think the rule should be also applied on blogs "Think before you write" Anyway, I hope you're not confused:) Briefly, I think the fear of losing who you love is a bit exaggerated, people are making a big deal out of it when they have nothing to hold, just like me actually.

Today, while I was sitting with my lovely friend "i", we realised something. Nowadays, we're so overwhelmed from everything, I mean we have no problem in our lives, we're healthy and wealthy and we have friends who care about us. But, we're so greedy that we cannot satisfy ourselves even the world is ours. I think it's just the nature of humanity, we always want what we don't have, we're just going thru a phase hopefully. And it will pass, it will. And soon we will be happy with what and who we have.

1/18/2011

1/17/2011

1/15/2011

Okay, this blog is starting to become like a diary, and it's a bit intimidating how I expose what I'm going thru and boring you with my depression and all. You might think I'm an ordinary teenager who creates his/her own little drama and probably exaggerating everything. Maybe I am, or maybe not. Anyways, like I said in my previous posts, I never reflect my bad feelings to my attitude or actions, that's why people who has never read my blog probably are thinking that I'm normal and happy and bla bla bla. In my head, it makes sense but when it comes to say them, my mouth refuse to form words. Actually, when you think of it, it's nonsense how people bore others with their problems, because the person who is listening could not care less. According to my theory, even though you're devastated, you should smile, because even one little smile is enough to make one person happy which is a good thing since you make a change in that person's life. I'm sorry that when I'm sad I smile, but it's whole a lot easier than explaining everything.

1/12/2011

Finally! We had our last exam from Catcher in the Rye. Right now, I can reset my knowledge about Holden thank god! Anyways, here is a thing which you didn't hear from me AT ALL. I'm not happy. I made some process if you've noticed, I used to say I'm unhappy but I switched it into another sentence, but basically has the same meaning. Everyday, I go to school, swear every lesson, come back home, watch some TV shows, do homework and sleep and wake up again which is such a thrilling life, isn't it? I WANT A CHANGE! Why does everything has to remain the same, I mean I really want to step forward, but I don't know which way to go or I don't know when is the best time to that action. I feel like a robot everyday, I laugh at jokes, I listen to class, talk with my friends, eat to survive, sleep mostly, do homework, go to cinema, do shopping. Aren't these the same old stuff that every single one of us does? Anyway, gotta go to the bathroom, here is a thing I didn't mention in my previous sentence! I was just wondering are YOU doing something different?

1/11/2011

1/09/2011

So here is the thing, nothing, absolutely nothing good has happened since the only change in my life. I mean come on, I'm also having hard time with the finals, at least you could do is to give me lemons, so that I can make lemonade out of it. Please but please don't make my life more miserable than this(for a teenager). This is my last hopeless pray to you Lord, I am literally doomed, if you do not send me something good, I will let my hopes down towards life and become even more unhappier. FML