Monitor

Monitor is concerned for the health of cycling aficionados Lord Hunt, Peter Homa and Bob Abberley. But how to raise it with them (if that's not an unhappy turn of phrase)? The summer issue of One in Ten, the Impotence Association newsletter, arrives with a warning that riding a bicycle can cause 'penile damage'. It records the case of a 55-year-old who started riding an exercise bike after a heart attack. 'Seven years later, after 'cycling' 50,000 miles, his heart was strong, but his penis had gone limp.' Off yer bikes, lads.

Not that the male members (stop sniggering) of the Institute of Health Services Management would appear particularly affected: it has had to scrap its legal helpline in favour of an employment service after people kept calling for advice on non-work issues - including one who wanted help with his pre-nuptial agreement.

On the other hand, if it is a problem and Viagra doesn't appeal, why not settle down and watch television instead? It might even pay. The Broadcasting Standards Council is after a part-time chair at 44,000 a year - and an NHS background could help. Ex-Hammersmith Hospitals trust chair Sir Christopher Bland combined the post with chairing the BBC. And it emerged this week that his new Broadcasting House deputy will be Baroness Young - one-time general manager of Parkside health authority and IHSM president. No wonder there are so many hospital programmes on the box these days.

All a bit too much like work really, so it's best to bung some music on. Former GP turned Tory MP Liam Fox would like to - but his CD collection was stolen earlier this month while he was out at a stag party. Acknowledging that his views might be a bit out of line with the new caring, sharing values of his party, he rages: 'I think they should be flogged. People say, 'who on earth would want to do that?' Well I would be at the front of the queue.' Good to know compassion is still a core value of the medical community.

As a bit of a social liberal, Monitor would have'em up in front of a firing squad armed with johnny-poppers. The existence of these 'potentially lethal' catapults, made from a condom, plastic bottle and sticky tape is revealed in this week's British Journal of Ophthalmology. Kerr McAndie, an ophthalmologist at Glasgow's Southern General Hospital, built one for himself after treating patients injured by johnny-popping kids and found they could fire projectiles at 128mph. Wonder if the Impotence Association will feature them in its next newsletter? '101 things to do with an unwanted condom...'

Finally, they're wild, adventurous types down at the Institute of Consulting Actuaries. Throwing caution to the winds, their evidence to the Royal Commission on Long-term Care demands state-funded care for all... from the age of 90.

Financial penalties are being lifted from high-profile standards including cancer and elective waiting times, so far without attracting much attention. How is this happening? And will it work, asks Rob Findlay