Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•Stanford doled out an old-fashioned walloping to Virginia Tech, after which neither Jim Harbaugh nor Andrew Luck would discuss their futures. I hope they realize that neither will have the same weapons in Michigan and Carolina, respectively, because those teams have been decimated by RichRod and Marty Hurney, respectively.

•A Yankee Stadium guard returning from Guyana told customs that he had a "cooked rabbit" in his luggage. Upon searching it, they didn't find the bunny, but they did find three bricks of cocaine. Perhaps they're trying to lure Doc Gooden out of retirement if Andy Pettitte doesn't come back.

•Dodgers ace Clayton Kershaw is helping to build a school in Zambia. He's also frightening the local children. (Photo via Vin Scully Is My Homeboy)