I once did the hokey-poky and turned myself around...yet afterward I realized it wasn't in fact "what it was all about." So I decided to read Nietzsche and from there things got weird...and that's how I like it.

I can't salsa dance or speak fluent Spanish but I'm pretty good at faking both of these things making me the next best thing to a Latin Lover.

One of my ex-girlfriends told me that she truly didn't understand me until she read "The Fountainhead." On one hand I was flattered she compared my drive to the main character, but on the other hand I wasn't sure what to think considering Ayn Rand is a humorless twit.

The one pic I have on here is old so I'm probably a bit uglier now. I lost more recent self pics in a tragic hard drive crash. At some point I'll have something new.

No, just kidding. Any man who self identifies as life coach should be punched in the balls and any woman who makes a similar statement should never be bought drinks.

I'm a writer/filmaker and an entrepreneur. I've owned two businesses while ambitiously pursuing my dreams as a storyteller. I've been the starving artist before but I don't hold that as a virtue, I believe in building wealth, but doing it on my own terms. I have no respect for people that value money and status over the the joy of the hunt itself and the intoxication of the warrior spirit. They are cowards.

Of course, often when you tell people you're a writer/filmaker many assume you're some flakey ass hipster in sandals. I can't say I blame them considering how many white middle class assholes both make bad fashion decisions and think smoking a bowl suddenly makes them a genius. This is a plague in our modern society driven by media whore narcissism.

So as an attempt to dispel any notion that I might be drinking lattes and writing nauseating nature poetry I'm going to post a blurb from an Emmy Winning Producer about my work:

I admit posting the above on a dating profile may be douche-like, but I just want clarify that just because I'm not currently rich and famous doesn't mean I lack talent. I myself have met a multitude of lazy talentless deluded blow hards, so I imagine such assumptions could be made about me. (And for the record I have nothing against lazy talentless people...just when you add the deluded blowhard thing)

Here's my website which is in the process of becoming something bigger and much more interesting:

makeshiftpropaganda.com

I’m really good at

Filling out OK Cupid profiles.

The first things people usually notice about me

That it's very awkward that I'm the one white guy in an NWA tribute band and that I'm not capable of "reaching back like a pimp and slapping the hoes." This quality does disappoint some women though...but for the right gal we could probably work something out with a legal contract and a safe word.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Books:

What I say when I Hit on girls with English/Lit degrees:

"I'm into Joyce, Kafka, Burroughs, Rimbaud, Pynchon, Shakespeare, Conrad, Camus, etc. etc." I then give some pretentious line like, "this is the type of literature that scours the depths of the human psyche and stirs the imagination...sometimes lifting us up beyond our dreary plight and manifesting what we know of as truth." If that doesn't work then I start quoting from the "Vagina Monologues," hoping to crack her feminist veneer, but admittedly most of the attraction on my end will be lost. (I'm pro feminism, but not the "Vagina Monologue" type of feminism) If she's not a "Vagina Monologues" type of gal I asses the situation andand see if it's worth pretending that I've actually read the Harry Potter series. If I have to deconstruct "Twilight," she better be a supermodel.

Movies:

I like my movies like I like my women. Foreign and with subtitles...so you know what the hell they are both saying. *Drum hit* *cymbal crash* ( OK folks I'll be here all weekend telling sexist jokes, be sure and tip your bartender.)

Music:

I have better taste in music than that smug "vinyl collecting" hipster that works in the indie record store known to smell of cat piss.

Food:

Seriously, who gives a shit. I know its fun to list things but what does me liking sushi have to do with anything?

Six things I could never do without

This is another asinine question apart of larger social media trend meant to condition us into a nihilistic consumer idolatry. (How's that for some political wank...ho ho...)

Sorry ladies, I refuse to believe you can't live without your sparkly strawberry lip balm.

And if you list things not product based like "my heart of gold," you're trying to hard.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

What is the solution to a unified theory of quantum gravity that alludes even today's most erudite theoretical physicists? Then I get distracted and start thinking about Monster Trucks, and how cool it is that they can smash and run over things.

On a typical Friday night I am

Catfishing people on various dating profiles. I'm actually a 400 pound plus female shut in who is bitter and lonely so I get off on breaking other women's hearts through my internet connection. I do it best by pretending to be a smartass tortured artist dude in his 30's.

Oops, I think I was supposed to put that on "The Most Private thing I'm willing to admit" section below.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

My first memory of feeling sexual attraction came while looking at my He-Man coloring book and becoming obsessed with a picture of Tia being tied up in a torture dungeon while Evil Lynn force fed her some kind of bizarre pudding substance. This situation was made much more awkward due to the fact that I somehow mixed a series of crayola colors to make the pudding look like some kind of sick mucus.

I blame He-Man for all my relationship failures. "It's not you baby, and it's not me either...It's He-Man!"

BTW, Skeletor was a metaphor for AIDS. Safe Sex Kids!

You should message me if

If you are a living incarnation of a Hitchockian female starlett. This means you are beautiful in analog to an ice sculpture, cold yet symmetrically seductive, with penetrating eyes that let the occasional dream sequence seep out for us both to hallucinate in...and of course you must be capable of committing murder.

Also, if you happen to believe you are the "Whore of Babylon" as prophesied in the biblical treatise "The Revelation of St. John the Divine," we should totally hang out and "sext."