Sunday, July 28, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Paul Ryan says the House will vote on citizenship for undocumented aliens in October. Apparently it will take that long for Republicans to all agree the answer is still “no”.

A Pentagon spokesman says that public affairs must change with the times. In other words, they need to try to figure out how to keep everyone from finding out about all their scandals.

A Pentagon spokesman says that public affairs must change with the times. For one thing, when someone like General Petraeus has an affair, they need to keep it from going public.

NBC has ordered a four hour miniseries about Hillary Clinton. Asked if the show could help or hurt Clinton’s run for the presidency in 2016, political experts say neither. It is going to be aired where no one will see it on NBC.

Anthony Weiner’s wife Huma Abedin is under scrutiny for having two jobs, one at the State Department and another as a private consultant. That would make three if you count her full time job trying to make everyone believe that she has forgiven her husband.

Blimps will be launched to patrol Washington, D.C. against missile attacks. Which is about as useful as surrounding yourself with turtles to ward off a shark attack.

The embattled mayor of San Diego says he will take off two weeks for therapy. It sounds like the people who really need therapy are the people who voted him into office.

The embattled mayor of San Diego says he will take off two weeks for therapy. In his case that means getting fourteen straight days of massage therapy at all the downtown parlors.

A study says that coffee drinkers are 50% less likely to kill themselves. Mostly because after drinking that much caffeine they can’t hold a gun steady enough to shoot themselves.

A study says that coffee drinkers are 50% less likely to kill themselves. Mostly because if they are getting their coffee from Starbucks, they don’t have enough money left over to buy enough drugs to give themselves an overdose.

A TV set top box that is being developed by Google that includes a motion sensor and video camera for behavior detection is causing concern with privacy advocates. However, the only behavior detected so far by people watching TV is the number of people throwing up after watching “Honey Boo Boo”.

New Zealand authorities have kicked a chef out of the country for being too fat. He can always come to the U.S. where the only reason chefs ever get into trouble is for insider trading and being racist.

A mysterious droning sound is reportedly bothering people in different locations all around the world. Apparently the cause has been discovered as being within earshot of someone who is humming the jingle from “It’s A Small World”.

A study says that farmers who use weed killers are twice as likely to be treated for depression. Mostly because their fields are full of weeds.

A study says that the number of Americans with irregular heartbeats will double in the next 16 years. Mostly after their insurance company refuses to pay their cardiologist’s bill.

A Brazilian man has gone from being the 8th richest person in world worth more than $34 Billion to now having around $200 Million. Which answers the question as to who bought the most stock in the Facebook IPO.

A Brazilian man has gone from being the 8th richest person in world worth more than $34 Billion to now having around $200 Million. Which serves him right for taking investing advice from Jim Cramer.

President Obama marked the 60th anniversary of the end of the Korean War. Apparently he just wanted to be able to mark the end of some war since he’ll be long gone from office before he can do it for Iraq or Afghanistan.

Forbes Magazine top college list is headed this year by Stanford. Mostly because it’s not like students will be distracted from their studies by any successes by their athletic teams.

Forbes Magazine top college list is headed this year by Stanford. Pomona College was second. There were no other colleges ranked since if you can’t do better than Pomona College you don’t deserve to be on any list.

A report says that fewer young adults in the U.S. have full time jobs in 2013 than last year. Mostly because they feel lucky to still have the part time job they had as a teenager.

Bankrupt Detroit is spending $444 Million on a new hockey arena. Which makes sense since the whole city is skating on thin ice.

Bankrupt Detroit is spending $444 Million on a new hockey arena. Which makes sense since all the other city assets are also frozen.

The House ethics panel will investigate Michele Bachmann and three other members of Congress. Apparently they will wait until they are done to go ahead and find out what shady deals the other 431 Representatives have been up to.

Obamacare is reportedly spurring thousands of new jobs for people to explain the law. Apparently Obamacare was really a jobs bill all along. The President figured he could end unemployment by hiring all the people it would take to figure out what is in his health care reform package in the first place.

An Arkansas man is suing a fishing group for a $1 Million prize he was denied for winning a fishing contest. Apparently he is accusing them of pulling the old bait and switch.

A documentary shows how a Los Angeles family went bankrupt by investing all their money in Beanie Babies. Which makes what happened to Detroit a little easier to understand.

A documentary shows how a Los Angeles family went bankrupt by investing all their money in Beanie Babies. They say they were just lucky they didn’t put it into something really dumb like the Facebook IPO.

Starbucks is reporting a 30% growth in their Asian market, spurred mostly by China. Apparently entire families benefit from the caffeine for the adults working 18 hour shifts at Foxconn who have kids working 20 hours a day at the Nike factory.

A deal has been reached that will create the world’s largest ad company that will handle 40% of all TV ads in the U.S. Which means they could be dealing with as many as three ads a day that will be aired on NBC.

A deal has been reached that will create the world’s largest ad company that will handle 40% of all TV ads in the U.S. Which pretty much means they landed the GEICO account.

A study says that “fat shaming” actually increases the risk of someone becoming or staying fat. Which means we need to start making fun of people for being too smart, thin and generous.

A study says that “fat shaming” actually increases the risk of someone becoming or staying fat. It’s just a lot easier to make fun of fat people since they are too out of shape to chase you down and beat you up.

A study says that women often miss easy way to increase their chances of getting pregnant. For one thing, they could start dating Kevin Federline.

Scientists say they are getting closer to a cure for cat allergies. At least one that doesn’t include an exploding cat box.

A study says that technology problems are behind one in four errors in the operating room. The other three happen after it is discovered the patient doesn’t have any health insurance.

A study says that fewer teeth are linked to a poor memory. Which explains why students in Mississippi do so poorly on standardized testing.

A study says that fewer teeth are linked to a poor memory. Like when people with only three teeth can’t remember the last time they actually had a date.

Scientists at Cornell University say skipping breakfast may be a healthy way to lose weight. Or at least be able to save some money while trying to pay for tuition at Cornell.

Seventeen Magazine is being slammed for an article promoting online dating for teens. That’s old news. Haven’t the critics ever heard of Myspace?

Seventeen Magazine is being slammed for an article promoting online dating for teens. The only problem is finding an online teen dating site that isn’t full of middle aged men.

Feds are planning to investigate a “Duck Dynasty” inspired Redneck Day at an Arizona high school. Otherwise known in Arizona high schools as “Tuesday”.

Rapper DMX was arrested for DUI while driving a 1978 Plymouth station wagon. How drunk does anyone have to get to be seen driving a 1978 Plymouth station wagon?

J.J. Cale has died at age 74. He was best known for writing the songs “Cocaine” and “After Midnight”. Which made it pretty obvious to figure out what may have contributed to his death.

A report says that Eliot Spitzer’s wife Silda will divorce him after his campaign for New York City Comptroller. Apparently she could handle his soliciting prostitutes but didn’t want to tarnish her reputation by once again being the wife of a politician.

John Williams will reportedly return to score the next “Star Wars” movie. The only problem will be with the cast being so old and having to hear them constantly yelling at him to turn it down.

Tony Stewart is backing teammate Danica Patrick, saying she is meeting expectations. In other words, she can’t win but the fans are still buying tickets to watch her race.

NASA is showing the first photos of a little understood region of the Sun. When asked how they were able to get the pictures, a NASA spokesman says they shot them at night.

A team of scientists is rebuilding the world’s first website. Apparently it is made up of a bunch of pictures of naked women from the 1970s.

An estimate says that cybercrime costs the world $400 Billion a year. And that is just for those online ads for low mortgage rates and Viagra.

An estimate says that cybercrime costs the world $400 Billion a year. No one had any idea it was so lucrative to be a Nigerian prince.

A new app writes and sends breakup texts. The only thing that could make that better for guys is a function that also sends a text at the same time asking out her best friend.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have just signed on for another two years at my real job. Which isn’t even a real job. But it means that you will get another couple of years at least of this stuff to waste your time on every day. If that’s not enough, you can always kill another two minutes by sending the love!