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Belle has posted in the past about drinking Research, a period we go through testing out moderation and other drinking strategies before we quit.

I could write a PHD on drinking research. I have tested out ALOT of ways of moderating, and yet I’m still here, writing about how big an impact drinking has on my life.

I’m a big fan of re-reading old posts when I’m tempted to drink, so I want to remind myself when I’m at my lowest, what I’ve learnt from this relapse.

I can moderate socially– I have little problems drinking like a normie when I socialise, but that isn’t truly reflective of my relationship with alcohol. I’m happy and relaxed when I’m with friends, but the moderation is just an exercise in self control that fools me into thinking I do not have a problem.

Drinking makes me lonely- in my last run of sobriety, I rediscovered that I love spending time alone. I liked my little wintery sober cocoon, reading and watching DVDs when I had no plans. When I drink I feel desperately, painfully alone.

Drinking makes me loose focus– I discovered when sober that there are other sources of happiness in my life that I need to work through. I can’t address these when drinking, so I remain unhappy, so I drink… This cycle has to stop.

Wine tastes shit after the 3rd glass- I’m not even sure if I like red wine anymore, I think I’ve had my lifetime’s worth.

I can still derive and discover new “joys” from alcohol, which makes it more dangerous- I used to hate whiskey, and on holiday with my friends, I tried it. I loved the burn as it went down my throat and the glow in my tummy. It reminded me of when I first started drinking and alcohol had that immensely pleasurable effect. Do I want to add whiskey to the list of tastes and smells that makes me want to drink like a fish? I do not. If I drank, would it become something I now do regularly? Absolutely.

My body hates alcohol– my skin looks shit, I’m bloated and fat looking, I have lost the desire to run, which is my mental health saviour. It’s easy to forget that I’ve been choosing to poison myself.

I lose the desire to do stuff when I drink– I packed in SO much stuff when I was sober. I was the epitome of Getting Shit Done and also bloody enjoyed myself. I read books again, I planned weekends packed full of delights. And here I am, on square 1, having to will myself to go for a coffee after work with someone because all I want to do is hide under the bed sheets.

I lose my ambition when I drink– I’m a different person. I just get through the day. That’s not me.

I have an addictive personality- I just do. It’s evident sometimes on this blog when I post 2 or 3 times a day. I need to accept that (it’s often a good thing to be obsessive, it helps you become an achiever) and realise that alcohol is a problem, but Iam not the problem. I am me, created the way that I am, unique, special, a little mad, but loved by many and I have to live as me for the rest of my life. I need to like myself more. To accept that I’ve got to a stage in life where I need to change, and that maybe that’s ok.

A thought is just a thought– I can think about wine all I want, but the image of a glass of wine popping into my head doesn’t mean I have to drink it. I won’t die if I don’t. I’ll just be uncomfortable for a while and then happy the next morning when I wake up without a hangover.

I don’t want to drink, I want to change the way I feel– someone posted this gem of wisdom in the comments section in response to a super-dooper craving I was having once. It made so much sense to me. I’m in a constant state of wanting to change how I feel. Once a workaholic, then an anorexic, then a bulimic, now an alcoholic and a crazy runner- I spend my life avoiding my feelings. When I was a teenager, before I had enough school work to allow me to loose my evenings in it, I remember actually enjoying feeling my feelings. You know, the intense pain of unrequited love, the drama of listening to a sad song and wallowing in melancholy, the crazy happy joy of dancing in your room. I need to learn to do this again- it’s called Life. I keep forgetting that I have to learn to live Life, not just avoid it.

I don’t actually know how I feel about my life because of drinking- am I doing the right job for me? Have I got my sights set on the man who would actually make me happy? Do I want to work in an office for the rest of my life? Do I need to consider changing career if I’m ever going to be happy? I have no idea. Not a clue. I have made some big life changes, as I’ve posted about before, in the last year which have improved lots of things, but there’s more work to be done. I’ll just have to see what the sober journey brings. Maybe I’m not designed to live in a big city, maybe I should one day think about a career change. These are the things which I’ll only know after a year or two sober, when I can learn to know that the voice that’s speaking is me the person, not me the alcoholic.

Drinking makes you selfish– do you know what I hate most about this getting sober lark? The endless introspection, the focus on self care which I know is important but hard, the feeling of it all being “me me me me.” It’s a necessary thing to do though, I know. One day, maybe I’ll be secure enough in my sobriety to relax into it more. To know more intuitively what I need rather than spending 40 million hours a day analyzing it. For self care to be a natural process rather than something I agonize over.

I need to trust myself– I posted last night about trying out AA because the level of support I get from blogs isn’t enough. In the cold light of day, it’s become apparent that I get exactly the level of support I need online, and whilst AA might help, I need to look within for my own strength and support rather than clinging onto others. If the “support of others” technique worked for me, I wouldn’t be on my millionth Day 1, having emailed Belle in July last year, met her and other lovely sober ladies in November and seeing Carrie frequently. They would have carried me through (no pun intended). But they can’t, because there’s not me. None of you wonderful, supportive and caring readers are. Knowing you’re out there is wonderful, as is reading your words of support, but I also need to know that there’s something within myself that knows how to protect me.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results– I’m an intelligent person, and I’ve been taken over by a drug. This isn’t me, this behaviour of doing something that has such dire results, it’s an addictive substance that I’ve let into my life. I’ve had 2 decentish chunks of sobriety in the past 12 months: 25 days and 40 days, which sounds like nothing, but is enough to have got a taste of how great it makes me feel on a good day. When I’m sober and happy, I sometimes get so elated I want to do a little dance in the street as I work to work with the cold air in my lungs and the winter sunshine in the sky. I feel great! I think. I can totally drink now! This sober lark is easy! And then I pick up the glass of champagne that’s handed to me at a party, take a sip in a whirlwind of happiness and excitement and find myself here, nearly 3 weeks later, having drunk hundreds and hundreds of units, deadly unhappy.

If I don’t stop drinking, it will kill me– not today, not tomorrow, but at some point. I wouldn’t have said this 6 months ago, but I know this for certain now. I have been lucky enough for nothing bad to happen so far, but one day it will. I’ve only been drinking heavily for 2 years and my liver is making itself so known to me it’s terrifying. My doctor’s appointment is on Friday, and I almost want her to tell me something is seriously wrong so I have the “give up or die” question. Writing that sentence, in itself is terrifying. If I had cancer, and knew that running, which I’m also addicted to, would make it worse, would I carry on? No. I’d treat the cancer. I’d sacrifice my great passion for running and do something that made me feel good that wasn’t dangerous. Drinking is my cancer. It is eroding my body and mind from the inside out. I know this to be true. I’ve felt it, physically and emotionally. I’ve felt it repeatedly. I want to be free of this disgusting drug that has crept into my life steathily.

So, that’s my thesis. I’m graduating from the School of Drinking Research and embarking on my next PHD- The Challenges of Staying Sober 😉

It’s taken days for the fog of drinking to lift. DAYS. Last night I had the first good night’s sleep in ages, and am starting to feel the benefits of being sober again. I feel an aching in my liver, still, which came back straight away. That scares me more than anything. Either it’s psychological, or I’ve awoken some old damage. What’s even more scary is that if you added up what I typically drank in terms of units, there would be many many members of my friends and family who drink the same. They just don’t identify it as a problem in the way I know it was for me.

But, onto recovery. When I’m next struggling with wanting to take a drink, I’ll think of the Wolfie Cocktail, my new ‘playing the tape to the end.’

Just so you can all share in it’s lethal intoxicating effects…

Recipe:

1 parts mild buzz

1.5 parts shame

3 parts depression

Best served over crushed self-esteem.

Serving Suggestions:

Start with sipping at the buzz, which hits the back of your throat immediately. Slowly this flavour will fade, being replaced by the tang of shame and the creep of depression through your veins, Keep sipping until the buzz is overpowered by the other flavours. Repeat.

Alan Carr and Jason Vale say there’s no benefits to drinking alcohol whatsoever, and it’s true, for me, now. Because even when drinking in a social setting rather than alone, I can’t get the buzz I want, but get all the bad side effects. I had so many good feelings and experiences, I truly felt positive emotions whereas drinking dulls all of that.

I honestly don’t think I’ll actually pick up a drink again, after what I’ve learnt in the past few days, but I’ll always have the image of the Wolfie Cocktail to remind me why not.

If I’m going to do this blog and get the support I am lucky enough to get from people who read this, I have to be honest.

I’m drinking right now.

Yesterday I slipped up- I accepted a glass of champagne at a baby shower and drank it. I wasn’t vigilant about sobriety and sort of forgot I don’t drink any more.

I messaged Carrie telling her, but I was so sure it was just a momentary thing. I was so proud of myself because I stopped at that one glass.

Alcohol is a fucker, yesterday I stopped drinking when I could have carried on, but got the taste for it again. Today I’ve had 4 glasses of wine, a nap, a bottle of cava, a bottle of beer and a gin and tonic. I am typing, a bit drunk, to make myself accountable.

I have done so much work this past 6 weeks, SO much, and don’t want to go back to drinking regularly, but F**K, I can’t believe I’m here again. I changed my environment and let my guard down and wolfie has bitten me.

I just re-read what I’ve drunk. That’s a lot. I hope documenting it helps me when I re-read this post and reminds me why I shouldn’t drink.

Ugh tomorrow is a starting over day. Now I remember that truly one is never one. If I stop drinking after one drink on one day, the desire to drink is ignited nevertheless and I drink shitloads the next.

I’m listening to this song on repeat, all about Starting Over: http://vimeo.com/61666335