Follow Blog via Email

Category: Uncategorized

Desperate lazy people watching late night infomercials with a giant bowl of buttered popcorn and a six pack of beer have watched fitness fads come and go. Credit cards at the ready, these people believe they can lose weight and trim that unsightly fat – without doing any actual work.

So for those of you who want the easy way to health and fitness, here are a few of my favorite pieces:

The Belt Slimmer

Shake away that body fat – while wearing heels and a dress!

The Hand Fitness Trainer

Silence of the lambs much?

The Face Trainer

Reduce the signs of aging while toning the face muscles. Because, well, yeah.

The Toe Corrector

For bunions and unaligned toes. Looks like fifty shades of the next sequel.

The Cordless Jump Rope

No need to jump out of your chair.

The Automatic Ab Maker

While your man relaxes in front of the TV each night munching his midnight snack, he can be working on his abs while not really working at all. (Boxer shorts not included.)

Dumbbell Eating Utensils

Lift weights as you lift that fork full of cheesecake. There is a reason they call these dumbbells…

Horseback Riding Simulator Exercise Machine

This is my personal favorite. I live in the country and many of my friends own actual live horses. Just think how much money you’d save if you got this instead!

Take a look at it in action!For best results, make sure your sound is on.

And last but not least…

I’m not really sure what this is, but I’ll take two. Of the guy and the thing he’s holding.

*Cover my ass sentence: just so you know, these pieces of equipment are real and some have sold millions. I am not saying that these won’t work for you. At least not in writing anyway.

In my experience working with clients who want to lose weight, I am often asked about the “quick” weight loss gimmicks. Uh, they are called gimmicks for a reason. There are those who swear by some of these weight loss miracles and claim they lost xx amount of pounds in a short amount of time. They forgot to mention the weight came back when they stopped doing whatever they were doing. To be fair, I thought I would list a few of the more popular ways to lose weight and keep it off for a minute.

Body wrapping.

This is where you spread mushed seaweed, mud or some other organic substance on your body, wrap said body in cling wrap and wait. Hours will pass by and you will wonder if you’ve lost weight, eliminated cellulite and cleansed all the toxins from your system. When you start to feel like a ripe vegetable, remove the plastic wrap and if you aren’t too weak, you will see that OMG! You’ve lost a quarter inch from your waist! Don’t get too excited, when you drink a gallon of water to quench the dehydration this can cause, BAM! That quarter inch comes right back. You can visit a salon or a spa and spend hundreds of dollars on this regime, or you can do it yourself for the cost of the plastic wrap.

Keep in mind, some body wrap material is made from Polyvinyl chloride (PVC) which can leach out harmful substances that have been linked to not-so-good effects on the liver, spleen and kidneys. PVC is also linked to cancer. Some wraps are dipped in mineral products, some may contain aluminum-which is linked to Alzheimer’s. Wait, what?

Diet Pills.

Back in the 80’s our diet pills were white with little crosses and beautiful black capsules. We never wanted to eat when we took these. We could also paint the house, write a novel, have gorilla sex for hours (well, the women could, different effect on the men…) run a marathon and have the coolest tingle when we scratched our scalp – all this in about four hours. We called it speed. Doctors prescribed them, lots of people became addicted to them, eventually they became illegal and then we grew up.

With the 90’s came the holistic side of weight loss. Herbs and supplements were all the rage. Nothing approved by the FDA so you took your chances with what was actually in one of those brown capsules. In 1997 I watched a news video on an herbal diet supplement that was working for many people. The same amount of people became violently ill while taking them. The news reporter took one of those capsules and placed it in a glass of body temperature water. After a minute or two these living organisms started swimming around looking for food. Yep. When you took this supplement, you were ingesting teeny, tiny bugs that ate the food after you did. Yum. The vitamin stores and supermarket shelves were stocked full of over the counter weight loss supplements, some as high as $40 for a 30 day supply. The main ingredient? Caffeine. A pot of coffee would have been cheaper.

Here is my personal favorite:

The Balloon Pill:

Swallow a capsule containing a deflated balloon. A three foot tube is attached to the balloon sitting in your stomach. The end of this tiny tube is hanging out of your mouth. The physician inflates the balloon sitting in your stomach, taking up valuable food space so you feel full and don’t eat as much. You swallow three of these for a “treatment.” Imagine this: three inflated balloons inside your stomach. Three glasses of water before a meal could do the same thing. The inflated balloons remain in your belly for six months. They are deflated and removed. In the cautionary statement, it says this is for use by adults who are also willing to follow a diet and exercise program. But, but…

While I am positive I will receive comments from people who will say these weight loss thingys worked for them – and I don’t doubt for some it has.

I am here to tell you the ABSOLUTE secret for weight loss, healthy bodies, peaceful minds and blue auras is this:

Ready? Wait for it…

CALORIES IN⇔CALORIES OUT

If you consume more calories than you burn, you will gain weight.

If you burn more calories than you consume, you will lose weight.

Losing weight and becoming healthier is not something you do. It’s something you change to be. It is a lifestyle change. You can be a couch potato and eventually shrivel up, grow creepy eyes and die, or you can get off your butt and move. I can show you how.

In 2008 I was living on the Gulf Coast of Florida. Near the beach. I lived in a great house, had a wonderful job as an Art Director for a magazine. I went to the gym down the street six days a week, I was healthy and fit. In short, I had a pretty nice life going on. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I was single for the first time in my life and loved it.

In 2009, I thought (actually my friends thought and badgered me until I cracked), that it was time to start dating. I wasn’t into the bar scene so I did the “safe” thing. I joined Match.com. I met the man of my dreams, quit my job, packed my stuff and moved to the country in North Florida. I had no idea there was country in Florida but there is. Miles and miles of trees, rivers, miles and miles of nothing. The closest gym was twenty miles away, but it didn’t matter – I was in love!

Things were going great for a while until my truck driver boyfriend announced he and his buddy bought their own truck and were going to team drive together. Ok, I thought. No problem, I said. “How long will you be gone?” I asked. “We’ll be gone three weeks then home for a week. Every month.” he replied. “Oh.” I sighed.

It was an adjustment being alone again. It was different this time around. I left my job and my friends 300 miles to the south. I was isolated in the country and I was lonely. My four dogs were great company but they didn’t like to play tennis. I began to eat – things that were unhealthy. Ice cream. Cake. Junk food was my friend. Along with the weight I was gaining, I had invited depression into my life and gave it its own room.

I felt lost and with no direction. I worked briefly at a couple of meaningless jobs, when I became bored I quit and sat at home doing, well, nothing.

Things changed at a Christmas party some friends of ours gave. I didn’t really know anyone but the hosts, the rest of the women at the party seemed to be pals and sat around the table dishing on other women, talking about their (gulp!) lack of sex lives and complaining about their weight. One woman said she wished there was somewhere other than the gym to work out and someone around who could motivate her.

The seed was planted. In 2012 I became certified as a Personal Trainer. I was ready to take on the world. I began my own fitness program, was losing the doughnut belly and chocolate chip cookie butt and started to pack up depressions suitcases.

Nobody called. None of these unhealthy, overweight people I saw wanted to lose weight. Beer and bacon are a food group. Yikes.

Not to be discouraged, I went back to school for more certifications. Senior Fitness, (did you know that they consider 40 and up to be seniors?), Fitness Nutrition, (ICK! I learned what the stuff I was eating was doing to my body). I figured I would go after the older set, armed with useful information and ready to book the clients. I recently received my certification in Exercise Therapy, I am able to help folks on a whole new level.

Still, the clients did not come. Some figured they were too old and nothing would make a difference. Really? I never realized being 45 was being at death’s door. Others were just lazy. Many would rather spend their money on beer and bacon.

My life rode this roller coaster for the next few years. I gave up trying to find clients, got the depression somewhat under control and concentrated on being a photographer instead.

I recently had a life-changing experience. I had a bad report from a chest x-ray. I worried and waited four days from the time the receptionist called me until I saw the doctor who told me there was nothing wrong.

During those four days I realized something. Maybe I’m not here to amass a bunch of clients who don’t want to get healthy, people who balk at giving up their own comfort junk. Maybe I’m here to just breathe. Show people how. Plant the seeds of a longer, healthier life.

I had to decide. To take the first steps again. To finally ask depression to move out. So that’s what I’m doing. Don’t get me wrong. I do want to make a living at this and I will. Build it and they will come someone said. I’m laying down the first brick.