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Let’s get back to how to put the fun back, and the first way is what I like to call:

1) Planned Spontaneity

This means that you actually find some time in advance that you are both going to be available for something spontaneous. The reason I say this is that life doesn’t just stop because you’ve decided to go fly a kite.

Dr. Phil, in his book Love Smart: Find the One You Want, Fix the One You Got lists qualities in a man’s personality that may be important to a woman looking for a good relationship. One of these is being spontaneous. Dr. Phil describes this as someone who can live on the edge, pick up and go on the spur of the moment. He says this quality is important to him because he thinks too much planning takes all the fun out of having a good time.

I agree that over-planning feels confining and takes the surprise element out of spontaneity. However, if you come home from work and want to whisk your partner off for a romantic dinner picnic at the beach and a walk holding hands with the waves rolling over your feet, you may find that you’ve forgotten something. He may have a late meeting that he stayed for, not knowing you had anything planned. You may have forgotten to make arrangements for someone to take your children to sports events they had to go to, or a sleepover.

By sitting down together on a regular basis, and mapping out some common time over the coming week or weeks that you will both be available for spontaneous fun, you will ensure that these problems don’t arise and you can actually be together.

I recommend that you each take a turn, going back and forth, at being the one who will “plan” the spontaneous activity. This makes it a real surprise for the other person, and in that sense it is spontaneous. Also, you won’t feel neglected, because you will know that next week or in two weeks it will be your turn.

Germaine Greer said “the essence of pleasure is spontaneity.” I would just add “planned.”

2) Become your partner

I want you to try and actually pretend to be your partner. Plan an activity together, something sexy and fun, as if you were him doing the planning. Don’t think about what he would like, instead, become him and think what he would do for you. This takes a little work, as we have a hard time letting go of who we are to be able to really see things from another’s perspective. Sitting quietly for 10 or 15 minutes picturing him and what goes on in his head sounds silly, but is worth it. Remember, you ARE him. What you plan from this perspective will definitely be something that you will like, although if you’re really good at this, you may end up planning something he thinks you would like that is different from what you’d expect to like. You may find something new you really enjoy that you hadn’t tried before.

Yes, there really is one thing that is a surefire way to make your sex life better. And the surprising thing is that it doesn’t have to do with sex at all.

Unlike my other posts where I refer to different experts and references, this post has only one expert …me! As a state-licensed therapist with over 30 years experience, I have given this piece of advice often and seen it work with thousands of individuals and couples who have come to me.

Are you ready for this secret magic tip? Pay attention – here it is!

Be creative out of bed. Yes, sounds like a simple thing to do and it really is if you’re willing to put a little time and thought into it. To help you understand what I mean, I’m going to give you a few examples I’ve suggested to couples and have seen work wonders.

Think about the first place you kissed your partner (this works equally well with girlfriends and spouses). Maybe it was at your local beach at sunset. Go back to the beach and find a lovely shell. Clean it up and take it to one of those frame places where they can place it in a clear acrylic box (it’s glued in place) with some sand you’ve brought back from the beach. When it’s done, you have a lovely paperweight to give her as a reminder of that first kiss. You will score many brownie points for this.

Sex is about a lot of things, sometimes different things to different people. Despite many years of working with couples of all ages, races, and personality types, I am still amazed by how much the meaning of sex can vary from person to person.

That being said, most people seem to want some similar outcomes from their sexual relationships. Jordan Gray, a relationship coach, says that all people want to feel loved and to feel safe. He believes a war is being waged against women’s self-esteem, sexuality and safety from a very young age. I would agree with him.

Because women have so many dis-empowering messages being sent regarding their sexuality, they need to have a safe space where they feel they can trust their partners.

While I believe that men also need to trust, because they are generally the aggressors in our society they feel less of a need for safety.

Mr. Gray also feels women need to feel seen, to know that you hear them and are aware of their emotional states. Men need to understand that this doesn’t mean they are asking to have you fix their problem, but just to understand their feelings. Of course, women want to feel sexually desired. Men want this as well…..