Nothing is as mesmerizing as a dramatic love affair. Writers have been captivating our attention with romantic tragedies, dramas, and comedies for centuries now. Whether it’s a romance novel, a stage show, a movie, an ET snippet, a National Enquirer exclusive, a reality television show, or a facebook honeymoon, we are captivated by it in one sense or another.

We’re all familiar with the most famous love tragedy — Romeo and Juliet — the story of two lovers willing to sacrifice everything for each other. And then there is the modern-day love tragedy — The Facebook Honeymoon — the reality of two lovers who are ❤ in a relationship ❤ and it’s…destined to FAIL, FAIL, FAIL!

Tell-tale sign number one the relationship is destined to FAIL:

The “it’s complicated” option.

Aren’t you just embarrassed for people who stake this claim? It’s like, ummm…wow…good luck with that!

Seriously…how can you be hopeful for something like that? If Internet love tragedies annoy you, HIDE THIS PERSON NOW!!!

But aren’t you still curious about what makes it “complicated?” You start to wonder…okay…which one of them is married or “not quite divorced” yet? Or you wonder, which one of them is confused about their sexuality? Or, better yet, which one is “in love,” and which one is “just along for the ride?” Or even more blatantly honest, which one is in it just to make someone else jealous?

Mm hmm, you know the kind. You’ve seen the status headlines. Which brings us to tell-tale sign number two that the relationship is destined to FAIL: The super-happy “we’re SO in love” claims!

Okay, so some people ARE truly in love (or one of them is, anyway)…for now…and they want to shout it to the rooftops. Once or twice. Maybe three times will suffice. But then there are those who just keep shouting it…over…and over…and OVER!!!!!

This is usually the person who is really NOT in love, but claiming to be, in order to make someone ELSE (who is NOT in the “relationship”) jealous. It could be an ex. It could be someone who previously rejected them. Or it could be someone the claimant is trying to attract. Whomever it is, s/he is most likely not even paying attention, thus the obsession for repetition.

Most modest folks, who are truly in love (and sweetly mention it on occasion — like an anniversary) live by this simple creed from Corinthians (1 Corinthians 13:5-8a and 13[NIV]):

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

While on the subject of boastful claims, let’s move on to tell-tale sign number three the relationship is destined to FAIL: claims of “forever.”

Yep, they’ve known each other for three months (or less) and they are already using the F word. Let’s see if they are STILL staking that claim after one full year of dating or living together.

Again, love is PATIENT and it does NOT BOAST, and it is NOT PROUD.

Ohh, and while on the subject of pride, here we go! Tell-tale sign number four the relationship will FAIL: the phony-smile “happy couple” photo.

You’ve seen them. You’ve laughed at them. Both of them look like they just swallowed a turd and are pretending they enjoyed it.

A picture is worth a thousand words…or just one: FAIL!

What is more amusing are the phony comments of encouragement underneath the photos from friends who can see the obvious, but still write, “so happy for you both!” or “you make such a great couple.” And then there are the comments these couples write themselves underneath the photos to try to convince everyone “we are SO VERY HAPPY!”

Bwahaha! Mm kay. FAIL!

Annnd, since we’re talking about revealing photos, let’s segue into tell-tale sign number five the relationship will FAIL: the awkward kissing photo.

You’ve seen these photos, too, and you’ve had more romantic ones taken with your furry four-legged friend. These people either look like they are kissing their sibling at best, or trying to extract a lung with their tongues.

Aww! No one comments on this photo because it is just too embarrassing. FAIL!

Let’s just cut to the chase…tell-tale sign number six this relationship will FAIL: the overly obvious trying-too-hard-to-convince-everyone pet names (adjectives + noun) in their status headlines.

“So in love with my super hot sexxxy WIFE!” (who she’s not even married to because state law prohibits same sex-marriage.)

Oh em gee! Enough said. Especially when the “super hot sexxxy wife” doesn’t comment. Which brings us to our seventh and final tell-tale sign that this relationship is OVER: failure (or refusal, perhaps) to acknowledge.

The showboater in the relationship (the one obsessively throwing out all the “convincing” headlines and making their “happy couple” pictures her default photo) consistently comments on the other’s status headlines with “love yous,” and the other CONSISTENTLY doesn’t respond. For MONTHS. And his/her default photo is NEVER one of the “happy couple” pictures. Ruh roh.

Facebook Honeymoon FAIL. Relationship…BEYOND complicated. GAME OVER.

Thanks for playing, and to you at home…thanks for WATCHING!

In summary, facebook needs to add a few more options to the “in a relationship” status. Here are some suggestions:

“in a fake relationship to make someone else jealous.”

“in a destined-to-fail relationship out of sheer desperation.”

“in a forced relationship to escape the ex’s pleas to reunite.”

Let’s face it. Some people just cannot be alone. A relationship is what defines them — or how they define themselves.

If you’re single and tempted to jump into a relationship because you feel lost and alone, or you’re trying to prove to someone else that you can “get some,” just remember:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Hold out for TRUE love, people, because these fake relationships are undeniably tacky, and they are SO transparent!