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Sunday, October 19, 2014

The Surprising Intensity of Resistance

It is a gorgeous, warm, sunny, Friday afternoon in October. The
Friday afternoon feeling is a wonderful feeling that heralds two days of
relative freedom!

There is so much I want to do this weekend.
First and foremost, I want to WRITE! There is so much inside me that
wants to be released on paper! It’s been hard to fit in writing time
during the week after exhausting days at work - and futile to even try
on some days. The weekend is when I look forward to making space for
writing.

I want – no, I need – time alone to recharge my batteries after teaching kindergarten all week.
I want to spend time with loved ones. Sunday is my parents’ 51st
wedding anniversary – the first one my dad will not be able to
celebrate with my mom. I would like to be around for him this weekend
because I know it will be difficult for him.

I want to have some
time this weekend to work on mid-term reports that are due in a week –
and to plan and prepare for the work week ahead. It's so easy to fall
behind!

And of course I want to follow light and beauty with my camera and share magical moments.

But I am not going to do any of these things this weekend. Instead, I
am beginning a new adventure that involves spending the weekend at a
retreat center four hours away with a group of people whom I haven’t
met, shut off from the outside world. It is a commitment I have made to
myself for deep, meaningful spiritual growth – the kind of work you
cannot do on your own. Speaking with someone who is in the homestretch
of this journey was like talking to my future self – a self who has
faced and overcome many fears, barriers, and defenses and is more
integrated and stronger as a result. I want to birth that self even if
it means going through the hard work of labor - for I believe it is
worth it.

This afternoon, I am experiencing so much resistance
that I could gnaw off my hands! Part of me wants desperately to stay
within the confines of my comfort zone and not go away this weekend to
embark on this new adventure. It wants to remain fixed and stable and
feels like crying, gnawing, escaping. But a deeper, quieter, calmer, larger
part – the part that feels like the backdrop on which the events of my
life are played out – is steadfast and confident that I must go. The
deeper part knows it’s all going to be okay. Better than I can imagine. I
sense that the larger part can hold it all. There’s room for
everything.

The voices that would have me stay home are the ones
that have kept me stuck all these years, that haven’t allowed me to grow
past a certain point. I can’t follow them anymore, for they just lead
me in circles. No, thank you. I’m going to get off the carousel this
time.

The work I intend to do is similar to how I need to train my
kindergarten students in order to have a well run, effective classroom.
I can’t get rid of difficult students but have to learn more about them
so I can work with them more effectively and do my job to the best of
my ability. I cannot allow the behavior of a small number of children to
sabotage the experience of the whole, just as I cannot allow myself to
be sabotaged by any unhealthy or undeveloped parts of my psyche.

In
hindsight, I know it doesn’t matter one iota that taking the first step
wasn’t easy. The only thing that will matter is that I did it. That I
forged ahead despite the parts of me that felt threatened by my
commitment to changing and evolving spiritually. I’ve done it before and
want to strengthen that response whenever it's time to shift or change
in some way. I want to live dynamically.

Of course, after
acknowledging how unsatisfying certain aspects of my life are, I
remember all the underprivileged people in the world who don’t have
enough resources to feed their families. People living in war zones.
People who are dying or watching loved ones die. So much suffering! What
right do I have to be discontent with any aspect of my privileged life?
To complain about anything at all? The irony is that the suffering of
watching a loved one die is what awakened me to the realization that
some things need to change in order for me to live a fulfilled life.
It's not about the grass being greener elsewhere. It's more about
flowing with the current. Getting off the carousel when it's time.

How
strange that, at the same time, it is so hard to fathom staying the
same and also so hard to take the first step into the unknown. At this
moment, I am feeling the tension between simultaneously being discontent
with current circumstances and being afraid to change. I'm writing
about it because I know it is a temporary but very intense place to be.
It's the point at which you can choose to stop or to proceed. But
despite the resistance, stopping is not an option.

I’m making a
choice to be really aware and conscious and to explore those places that
frighten me, that I didn’t even really know were there because I feel
pretty comfortable with myself and enjoy spending time alone. I'm
actually very surprised by the intensity of this resistance! It makes me
think that the possibility for transformation is even greater than I'd
imagined!

And I know I am going to look back at this afternoon and
laugh about all this resistance. Possibly even by the end of the
weekend.

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The photographs in this blog (except for those attributed to other owners) and in my Flickr photostream are available for purchase as prints or cards through my Etsy shop by
selecting a "custom print" in whatever size you prefer and indicating
either the name of the print or the blog post and order in which it
appears.

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RIVER BLISS HAS MOVED!

About Me

When you fall in love with a river, you find that it is connected with everything else.
Greetings from the Upper Hudson River! "River bliss" is my name for the state of consciousness I experience while floating on the river in my kayak. It is my medicine for inner peace, clarity, and creativity. This blog is my attempt to share beauty, peace, and awe through images and words that greet me in stillness on the river and in other sacred places. It is my greatest joy to awaken and inspire others through discovering and sharing magic moments, and I invite you to join me on this journey.