Letters I'll Never Send

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I know I’m young. I know I talk too much. I know I don’t talk enough. I know I say stupid things without thinking. I know I think stupid thoughts about important things and never say them. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes lately. I know I cheated on him with you. I know I broke up with him to be with you. I know I lost my virginity to you. I know I might be pregnant. I know it’s a very rare chance, but I still worry every day. I know I’m expecting my period soon. I know it might be late. I know I won’t tell you anything yet because I know you’ll worry. I know I’m stupid. I know I’m reckless. And I know I’ve given everything–my heart, soul, mind, body–to you. I know I love you with all my heart. Always have, always will. But I don’t know why you act like this. I don’t know why you’re always so sad and angry. I don’t know why you think your life doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know why you hate your life and everything in it. I don’t know why I can’t make you happy enough to value your life. I don’t know why I can’t trust you when you say you love me. I don’t know why I think you don’t love me. I don’t know why you say there’s nothing good in your life. I don’t know why I’m not good. I don’t know why you rant about things to make you feel better. I don’t know why people agree and find it amusing. I don’t know why you hate kids and don’t want any. I don’t know why you would want a girl to get an abortion if you got her pregnant. I don’t know if you would support me if I was pregnant. I don’t know if I could handle that. I don’t know if I am a big mistake. Maybe I am.