So I had planned on coming here today and writing about prom. And instead I just got really sad all of a sudden. I haven’t felt this sad in a while. At least I know where it’s coming from. Indiscriminate sadness is the worst. I just feel overwhelmed and scared. The end is near. High school is gone, man. I’m not going back. I’m done. I can’t even fail my way back. Which I suppose is a good thing.

Endings give me heavy boots. I never quite know what to do with myself. It’s like some weird limbo phase I’m in. And my life has gotten so weird — a bug just flew by and now I’m going to be paranoid for the rest of this post — with this boy that has waltzed his way into my existence. Marion doesn’t do the boy stuff, folks. Or if she ever did it was all super-internalized and never reciprocated. But apparently she does the boy stuff now. And that adds a layer to the weird.

I’m moving to Los Angeles in August. What the hell. I can’t reify that as of yet. I’m going to major in Film Production. What if I’ve lost my passion and my drive? What if I see all these bright-eyed kids with passion and drive and I feel inadequate–or comparatively stoic? What if I hate them all? What if I feel like the odd one out? I have severe anxiety about my ability to be happy. And I’m afraid much of it stems from not knowing what I want. I just have this terrible mental scenario of me being completely closed off and miserable. I shouldn’t be this stressed about uni, but I am. I wish I was excited instead of–dare I say–dreadful.

That’s what bothering me. And money of course, but I’m lucky enough to have the luxury of blocking that out for the time being.