I've done it again.. i'm awful

Well, I did it again. in the last year, i stopped cutting so much and they weren't deep, but here I am again with the self harming. the last was deep.. I needed to be punished, I upset my mother by sending her an email saying it was pushing me over the edge with her constant cruel words when she's around, I said I couldn't take it and she could either choose to let me be or respect me. it's been my whole life, why tell her now? I had to be punished, and I am the reason my case manager was fired, I was asked by someone for documentation for the gvmt records and such if the last time I had an appt with her was a day, and I said I didn't meet with her that day, and we didn't, she said she was going off early to watcha game, after I said I needed to see her, no biggy, it was me, and they asked if she kept appt's and I said she canceled the last 4, I didn't think she'd lose her job, she'd always done that stuff. but never the less, it was my fault.

I've hurt Liam too, i've been struggling a lot lately, and I've been so confused, I didn't mean to hurt him. I've been distancing myself lately, and I don't know what to do, i'm so stupid and crazy, and I needed to be punished, i'm so awful. :cry:

I've been so angry lately, for so much that happened during my childhood and even as an adult. I get so mad, and feel like screaming "you assholes, why did you hurt me, go to hell!!" I should have let it all go. I should stop this, but I get so mad, I would never hurt anyone, but I get so mad and edgy sometimes, and it's not fair of me. I am sorry to everyone I've snapped at.

babe, you didn't need to be punished, you really didn't, please don't do it again :sad::sad: i love you babes, i really do and I'm sorry I'm not there to help you right now or to stop you from hurting yourself :sad:, sending that email want a bad thing, she needed to know what she was doing to you, but she wants to hurt you and already know what she's been doing to you :sad:
it wasn't your fault that your case manager was fired, she wasn't doing her job and she would've been found out, sooner or later :hug:
you did hurt me babe but please don't hate yourself even more, i love you SO much, that's why it hurt, I'm sure if i hurt myself, you'd be really hurt too.
please don't distance yourself from people, that'll only make yourself fell worse:sad:. promise me something, promise me that no matter how bad you're feeling and no matter how much you want to isolate yourself, please don't stop talking to me, please keep getting on msn every night because i love you and i really worry about you when I'm not talking to you and don't tell me not to worry because ill always worry about you, i love you so much that i don't wanna loose you and if i cant see you, it means i don't know if you're OK or what you're doing :sad:. i know you get angry at yourself but please, please don't hurt yourself when you do :sad:. id rather you shouted at me or whatever, at least you'd vent on me instead of yourself :sad:

please remember that ill love you no matter happens and ill always be here for you babe, please remember that :wub: