A morbidly obese man today was getting so excited about the football season starting again he almost had a coronary. Gavin Greaseveins told revellers in the popular Dog and Guns pub "I am really looking forward to it lads. I'm gonna give that new striker some right old fucking hassle if he doesn't score a hat trick early doors. I don't know how they make so much money to be honest, I could do what I do."

Mikey Plums a regular of the pub was seen to be rolling his eyes before leaving early to shag Gavin's wife.

Gavin continued while sinking his eighth pint and fourth packet of cheese and onion McCoys "It just pisses me off really because I had trials at Colchester and one for burglary hahahaha, but no I could have been earning all of this kind of money if I hadn't done my fucking knee in tackling Rooney. Wayne? No no no Brian from off the estate, here where's Mikey Plums gone?"