The Bachelor Recap | Episode 1

By Daniel Colasimone - 28 Jul 2016

Richie is back. He’s heartbroken after finishing second runner-up on The Bachelorette.

He’s bought a red motorcycle and is just riding it around moodily, as well as hanging around with his mum and sister, playfully. Richie is in a swimming pool, showing his abs. Let’s all get wet with Richie.

His mum says most girls would enjoy him, which is a weird turn of phrase for a mother to use, but there are now 22 girls competing with mum for his enjoyment. After one night of action (based on very little evidence, really, when you think about it), we have formed a ladder of eligibility. Here it is.

MEGAN

She’s without doubt the most amazingly jiggly of all the girls, and since we don’t know any of them that well yet, that puts her at number one. To get the point across, the producers ensure that when we first meet her she’s running along the beach, jiggling amazingly. She tells Richie that she loves free diving. Richie says he loves “looking at her smile”, as he gazes deep into her boobs. Later, when they’re chatting, he channels Oscar Wilde and tells her she has beautiful eyes (great line, bro), when clearly he means she has beautiful boobs.

KIKI

We didn’t see much of Kiki, but she clearly has a bit of sumpin’ sumpin’. She’s pretty jiggly too. That’s the last time I say jiggly.

MIA

Again, she played a small part in episode one but, as Henry Kissinger once said, the key to winning reality shows is not making a galah of yourself early on. Mia is very tall and pretty and definitely didn’t make a galah of herself.

OLENA

When she’s not being a Bond girl, Elena rolls out Pinterest quotes in Ukrainian, which makes them sound way more original than they actually are (which is not at all). She looks like she has the wiles to completely fuck with poor little Richie’s head. Pray for Richie.

NONI

Probably the most badonkadonk of all the contestants, Noni has that whole half-Balinese-swimwear-designer sex appeal that not many men can resist. Talking about bacon all the time, as well as having a bacon tattoo and giving him bacon roses is kind of a character flaw though. Or is it?

TIFFANY

She has a really muscular back, all bunched-up power around the shoulders. Tiffany thinks she’ll impress Richie by kicking his ass at in a plank-off (wot?). Yeah, like humiliating a guy in a physical contest (before letting him win) is the way to his heart. Oh wait, apparently it is the way to Richie’s simple, simple heart, because he gave her a rose.

RACHEL

Looking like Jessica Rabbit and playing it cool. But behind her eyes I see cold calculation. Every man’s fantasy.

SASHA

I wanted to marry her the moment she started eating her rose. Russian bombshell who is going to cause a ruckus.

ALEX

By faaaar the most intense chick in this whole production, Alex read Richie a moving poem. It’s hard to write a moving poem about someone you’ve never met. She also stared deep into his soul, told him she has a kid and asked him if he likes kids, before being interrupted before he could reveal his hatred for children. She also got the most number of nervous fake laughs out of Richie, which is quite an achievement, because he does it constantly. But he gave her a white rose. A white rose, from what I understand, is the most valuable gift in the universe, worth more than unicorn tears or a Charizard Pokemon.

ELIZA

Oh lord, she sang to him, then repeated her humiliating display to the others. Early contender for the most awkward moment on the show. If you met her in real life you’d probably like her, and invite her to the pub to swear at strangers, but she can’t compete with these ferocious sharks.

FAITH

She hasn’t been featured much yet, but there’s a big personality bubbling up there.

JANEY

This girl has a chance in the same way Donald Trump has a chance of becoming US President. Like, she’s cute and funny, but clearly insane, living in some kind of made-up fantasy world, but it works for her. She’s like Ariana Grande but a million times more Disney. I want whatever hallucinogens she’s taking.

NIKKI

Very shiny and blonde, Nikki may appeal to a gnarly doofus like Richie.

GEORGIA

Richie didn’t even talk to Georgia, but decided she was in his top 19. That’s probably because she has big knockers. Love is more than just big knockers, Richie.

KEIRA

OK, it’s obvious Keira is here for the benefit of the audience, rather than our bachelor. She’s mad as a cut snake, loud, aggressive and will cause lots of fights amongst the girls. So she’ll make great TV, but not necessarily a great girlfriend. And when I say not necessarily, I mean run for the hills, brother.

TOLYNA

For whatever reason, all these girls are super sporty, but this personal trainer is next level. I think she’s going to be too intense for old mate.

SOPHIE

I can’t remember a single thing about Sophie. Was she even on the show?

LAURA

Though she seems like a good egg, Laura is pretty highly strung. She’ll no doubt have some major spats with the other girls and end up losing her shit.

MARJA

This yoga fanatic summed up her mantra in three words; love, adventure, trust. Frankly, Richie seems like he has the spirituality of a soft drink vending machine so, in four words; she’s got no chance.

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