Communication is the foundation of healthy relationships, but it’s difficult to do it well, and it can be even tougher when you’re trying to communicate with a man. I know, because I’m a guy, and even though I have a Masters Degree in Communication and write and speak words for a living, my wife would still tell you that it can sometimes be difficult to have a conversation with me.

There just seems to be something on the Y Chromosome that makes communication difficult, but there’s hope! Here are some pointers for having more meaningful conversation and effective communication with the men in your life. Every relationship is different and every individual is different, but these are a few general principles that will apply to most men.

1. Recognize that men and women tend to process communication in vastly different ways.

The first point may seem obvious, but it’s an important starting point, because until we recognize that there is a difference, we’ll stay stuck in a rut of communicating in a way that may make sense to use, but may not actually be connecting with those of the opposite sex. Every man is unique (and every woman is unique), so I hate to generalize here, but there are some clear differences in the typical male through process and the typical female process when it comes to communication. This doesn’t mean one approach is right and one is wrong, but rather, both the man and the woman will likely have to stretch outside their own comfort zone to find a balanced approach to communication in the relationship.

I disagree let me know the point. And get to the point. Not a blaa blaa lot of silly stuff

Rita

I’d like to see an example of how points 1 & 2 would play out in a conversation as they seem to contradict each other.

Joyce

I have found that using pronouns like “we” instead of “you” (such as “we need to work on this area of our relationship” instead of “you need to work on this area of our relationship”) helps to keep him from shutting down from being blamed for “our” problems.

Also, most guys don’t know something is wrong in the relationship until their wives have “a talk” with them… they think everything is peachy when the wife thinks it’s all going down the toilet!

pheanom owens

This is so very true…been married 11 years and still learning

Tonya

My husband and I both came from domestic violence relationships before we met. We was use to arguing leading into put downs and screaming so we both would clam up because we did not want that in this relationship. The problem then was that things that was bothering us up would build up inside. So one day I got a pen and paper out. We was only allowed to write three sentences, no foul language and no put downs. This helped with not cutting each other off and taking in fully what the other person was saying before replying back. Now I know not all guys will want to do this but it truly helped my husband and I. We do not use the pen and paper unless we feel there a need. I also had to learn that I had to wait till he was ready to talk but he had to agree within 2 days we would. There is no way I could be able to talk with my husband in front of a show he likes but we live out in the country so we talk on our way to places. A couple needs to find what works for them and each couple ways of communicate will differ from others. The key is the both has to find a way to communicate and work towards finding what works.

Martin Hope

Those rules may apply to most women but not to women that are jaded, cynical and hardened by their past. She doesn’t like to talk, shows little to no emotion unless its resentment or anger based. Feels that sharing emotion, saying thank you, love you, miss you etc is exhausting and should be understood and not have to be said. I guess I’ve found the one woman that behaves more like a man than a woman. Tough spot.

Anna

My husband and I have most of our best conversations in bed before we go to sleep. It is comforting to look up at the clock and realize you have been having heart to heart conversation for nearly 2 hours.

Toni Schoening

Thank you Dave for sharing! We miss you in Fleming Island but pray for your journey back in Ga! Go Dawgs 🙂

Lily

I must be married to a woman in men’s clothing! I mean, I know he’s NOT a woman, but I think he communicates like one. He wants me to get to the point!…….and give him as many details as possible in as few words as possible. And he’s all about feelings! And……he doesn’t want to be doing anything else while we talk!
This is the second marriage for both of us. His first marriage, of 38 years, ended with his wife’s death. My first marriage, of 35 years, ended in divorce. His first marriage was wonderful! They communicated beautifully. My first marriage was a disaster! We didn’t communicate at all.
We’re working on it and we’re committed to each other, but sometimes it ain’t fun!!

Ana

My husband has told me he would like me to get to the point, however, because he loves me and he knows I NEED to give a little more detail than he cares for, he will listen to me patiently (to an extent) out of love for me…so I try to be more to the point…out of love for him…compromise. But it is helpful to understand that it’s not personal, men and women are different.

tal

really appreciate this article 🙂

Nicole

Fantastic advice! This is your ministry!! Praise God! Thanks Dave:)

Toni

I love the part about showing interest in things he likes. I’m a very cool date for my husband! I laugh at his jokes, especially when they aren’t funny, because he’s trying to make me happy! We cook together, and share the chores! He is more quiet and settled than I, but he loves to tell stories and I love to listen…go figure! He calms me down with his easy manner, and I amp him up with my outgoing personality! Between us, we stay on an even keel! I’m a happy little old lady, and he’s the sweetest guy in the world! Sorry ladies, he’s all mine!

Helen

“Most guys can’t experience emotion and communication at the same time.”

Although I’m a woman, this actually describes me very well, and I’m very glad you shared it because I often have the problem of not being able to communicate when my emotions are overwhelming me. I’m definitely going to share this with my husband so that he understands that I need some time to calm down and also process things before I can talk rationally about what is bothering me. Often, he wants to talk things out right away and I feel bullied and badgered because I can’t talk or even think when emotions are overwhelming me and he doesn’t understand why I can’t and makes the situation worse for me by wanting to discuss everything while I’m in that state.

Anyway, just wanted to share my two thoughts and thank you for your post!

Helen

I feel for you – mine is very similar. I’m the one that needs time and space away from my emotions to be able to communicate properly. He’s also more likely the one to realize we need to talk.

Helen

Great advice! Thanks for sharing!

Scwyana

My heart goes out to Martin. Ive been that type of woman pray for her to be healed of whatever is hurting her. Pray for God to give her a heart of flesh from a heart of stone.

Anna Anisa

I’m VERY, VERY big on communication and feel that a marriage’s life practically survives off of it. My husband has a lot of problems communicating when something upsets or angers him, so he always allows that frustration or anger fester up inside him before he ends up exploding about it, and I am left shocked and hurt. I have ALWAYS made it clear that if something is upsetting him, or something happens that he doesn’t like, he is totally welcome to come to me about the issue RESPECTFULLY*, and we can find a way to work the problem out. Therefore how could I know if I upset him if he doesn’t let me know? Common sense, right? This is a big issue in our relationship and it is all mainly due to his lack of communication (and of course other things..) I wish he could read this article and really try, *sigh*. I’m not a hard person to get along with at all, but all I need is his communication and effort and I will — without ANY hesitation! — do all of my best to work things out!! He doesn’t realize how easy it can be to be married to me! I’m not a fighter but a lover and I always make it a goal and a priority to do my best to support my husband in love and respect!! I wish it was mutual!!!

Sharon Gray

My husband and I have been married three times and over the course of thirty two years, we are still learning things about each other and marriage. Thank you so much for all the advice, I have learned that patience plays a crucial role as well.

shero

This is awesome

DarkLightAvenger

As someone relatively new to romantic relationship, this is a helpful read. I’m sensitive and very emotion-based (probably not just because I’m a woman, but still). I worry about communicating well with people I love, and I’ve found myself trying to make my boyfriend and I do this well. I worry about messing up in understanding each other, so it’s encouraging to know how normal this is and that communication, like anything else, is trial and error, and all about growth and relationship. It takes work, it takes patience, it takes not overthinking or forcing. Men and women are different and it’s normal to process things so differently than my boyfriend does 😛 I’m definitely figuring this out. Thanks for your insights, Dave.

DarkLightAvenger

Rule #1 in any communication: don’t refer to your loved one’s talking as ” blaa blaa” or “silly stuff” … even if it is…….