Burger King Kills Timbits — Canadians React Angrily

OAKVILLE, ONT — Tim Hortons new owners announced today that they will no longer be selling Timbits sweet doughy treats as a result of cost-cutting measures at the $23 billion company.

But it appears they underestimated Canadians and their love for the “bite-sized blasts of flavour.”

CBC is reporting that protesters have appeared at more than 20 Tim Hortons and Burger King locations across the country, and that #SaveTimbits has surged to the top of Twitter’s list of most-used hashtags.

“Timbits are more than just deep-fried balls of water and flour to Canadians,” picketer Tom Delmont told the Oakville News at a rally outside that city’s Lakeshore Road Tim Hortons location.

“If these Americans think they can just stomp in and take away our Timbits, they’re in for a Whopper of a surprise.”

“Welcome to Canada. This is the way we do things here.”

Burger King’s $12.5 billion takeover of Tim Hortons was approved this week by Prime Minister Harper under the Investment Canada Act, with conditions that the global fast-food company maintain “a fair number of Canadian jobs” and “consult Canadians prior to any substantial diddling around with the menu.”

“Look. Timbits may taste good to Canadians, sure. But those little balls just aren’t profitable,” said Burger King’s chief executive Daniel Schwartz by Skype from Bridgetown, Barbados.

“I have a responsibility to shareholders and I made the pretty easy decision to yank Timbits off the menu.”

“But I’m pleased to announce that Timmy’s will continue to sell donuts in Canada for the foreseeable future.”

As social media pressure on Burger King continues to grow rapidly, CBC radio is also reporting that several arrests have been made after food fights broke out in the parking lot of a Hamilton Burger King, and that four protesters have chained themselves to the doors of a Vancouver Tim Hortons.

Prime Minister Harper, who readily admits to eating “about a dozen” chocolate-glazed Timbits a day, issued a brief statement earlier today saying that he will miss his breakfast dessert but reminded Canadians that change is “part and parcel” of his Economic Action Plan as featured in an estimated $100 million of TV and Facebook ads.

#SaveTimbits organizers are calling for further social media pressure today and are encouraging protesters to temporarily shift to Starbucks Banana Loaf.

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