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Raise your hand if you’re afraid to leave your purse/wallet/sack full of gold in your car at night. Now raise your hand if you’re more likely to leave your stuff in your car during the day. Now put your hand down; you’re freaking your coworkers out.

I noticed that when visiting my parents’ house, I always take my purse in at night, but if I’m there during the day, I just leave it in the car. I mean, I lock the door, but I really don’t worry about it. It’s not like my parents live in a high-crime area; we’re from Buford, for crying out loud. But for some reason nighttime has gotten the bad rap for being the perfect time for crimes, while the daytime goes on, well-loved by all.

In the past, it might have made sense – no light = easier to be a sneaky ninja. But nowadays, we have flashlights, cell phones, the weird things that go on keychains, light-up shoes, etc. All of these make the nighttime a lot less conducive to stealthiness. And yet we still view night as the high-crime time (haaaaaa it rhymes). It just doesn’t seem right – what has night ever done to us? I, for one, am tired of this discrimination, and so I have come up with a solution that I think will benefit everyone.

We need to start committing crimes during the day. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Kristen, I just don’t have time to going around breaking the law right now.” And I understand. We’re all busy. So maybe we can start small: key a car or two on your way into the office building, or maybe slash some tires on your lunch break. Once you’ve gotten the hang of these smaller infractions, you can move on to medium-sized crimes, like petnapping or stealing clothes from a friend. Maybe take some candy from a few children. Allow yourself to work at the pace that is right for you; everyone’s different.

After you’ve mastered these lesser crimes, it’s time to move on: embezzlement, hotwiring/stealing a car, and breaking and entering are all great places to start. Find the crime that suits you best and stick to it. Soon we’ll have the world just as terrified of the day as they are of the night.

Inequality is never okay. But if we can keep sight of our goals and what is really right, I believe we can turn this senseless practice into a unifying and loving change for the world. Join me in the fight against nighttime discrimination.