EmilyJoyRosen

you know when you have been
so close to someone
that more is said
in the unspoken
than in the constant chatter

we had that
but all my insecurities
had become glassy walls
that prevented him from getting in

he was a special one
his soul so full of sadness
he lived underwater

he was a word artist
and a profoundly tortured soul
i had heard this term before
but i’d never seen it, been with it
and it changed me
it wasn’t a cliche anymore
it was the reality
of someone i loved

he was the first boy
i ever wanted to save
it was an impulse so strong in me
i would yearn to reach for him
and hold him tightly
each time i heard him speak
and watched his eyes mist over

we passed love notes
the old fashioned way
competing endlessly
for who had the smaller handwriting
and who could be more coy
never really saying the real thing
believing that exposure,
vulnerability true
was most definitely too risky
as us humans have been taught to do

he gave me one of the greatest gifts
a man has ever given me
an understanding
of the temporary

you see,
he passed
so unexpectedly

it was the first time
i experienced myself hollow
completely emptied out
as the words of the news
echoed inside me
so intensely, so loudly
i had no choice
but to fill up, to muffle out
the void so deafening

i woke the next morning
covered in despair
and heard myself weeping
from somewhere far off

i knew i had to get back
in my body
there was a part of me
so close to checking out
i longed to be with him so…

i rolled over to face the wall
and i stared
i stared for hours
till i saw every detail exposed
every line took shape
and color took form
i watched as reality shifted
in front of me
and realized
this was final
there was nothing i could do
to make it not true
there was nothing to undo

this was the most painful
of truths
i ever lived
and as the permanence set in
i unraveled

it took me years
to let the guilt go

i filled my moments with suffering
painting the details of my day with pain

i often imagine he knew
there is a comfort
in the stories we tell ourselves

at night i sometimes go through the list
of people i am no longer talking to
and think
what if this happened
what if today was the day
they slipped away

would there be something unsaid?
would there be something unfelt?
am i living unresolved here or there
with him or her or them?

the answer is almost always
le sigh, yes…
oh yes, there i am… yes

a yes that doesn’t feel so good
a yes that requires work from me
the work to make good
or of making good
or at least of being clear
and clean…

and that
that made a difference worth making
that has been
a somewhat silver learning
in this loss

so i offer this…
please don’t ever
let your fear of rejection
determine your actions
please don’t hide
your heart from intimacy
please be willing
to share what is most real
for you

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Emily Rosen is the co-owner and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating where she oversees business development strategies, student affairs, marketing and public relations, and keeps a pulse on the fields of eating psychology and nutrition to ensure the Institute’s position as a leader worldwide. Emily makes things happen. Her passion for health and transformation has provided her the opportunity to speak and present internationally and be at the forefront of a new generation of women leaders committed to making a heartfelt difference in the world. Her tireless work and faithful commitment have touched the lives of millions of fans and followers worldwide.