I had such high hopes for Nashvillethis season, but there’s slightly too much schmaltz and some tired TV tropes. We’re rooting for Clay, the (cute) (troubled) guy (with lots of talent and excellent manners) from the proverbial wrong side of town, even if Bratty Maddie makes us less inclined to hope they’ll end up as a couple. We’re struggling to get excited about Damien, the bad boy creative genius who’s a bit of a tool. We’re also rooting for Scarlett and Gunnar, but they mostly kind of irritate us in this episode.

If you’re really short on time this week and don’t actually want to read the details of episode 5, here’s all you need to know: It’s a bit of a mashup of Fifty Shades of Gray meets Once, with a scant side order of Kevin Bacon’s angry dance in the original Footloose. There’s some great dialogue though, even if the plot’s a bit thin.

Here be spoilers. Also, some snark. I’m sorry, I’m trying so hard to be nice.

Scarlett and Gunnar:

50 Shades of Cray Cray

The Exes’ video shoot is taking place in a schmancy plantation and directed by wunderkind Brit director Damien. We know he’s a genius because he has a British accent and alludes to his own brilliance. Scarlett isn’t buying it. She’s wearing her hair in 1920s Marcel waves a la Josephine Baker and clad in a scanty satin slip dress that Damien would like a bit scantier and more low cut. Scar is not pleased and glowers. Gunnar, on the other hand, is wearing guyliner and mostly tied to the bed or otherwise draped around the mansion. Damien tells Scarlett that she’s basically got to unleash the crazy and she hmphs and continues to glower, but isn’t quite there yet. Cameras rolling, Scarlett crawls across a formally set dinner table, looks like she’s about to kiss one of the female guests, and otherwise seems incredibly awkward and mightily annoyed.

Damien keeps pushing Scarlett to let loose and be a wild woman and she’s either not understanding or not interested. At one point she slaps Gunnar and that’s the end of the shoot for the day. Damien and Gunnar head to a bar where G spills a few of his and Scarlett’s secrets. Bad idea. Meanwhile, Damien, reveals to us that he’s a bit of a cliché, having skipped school as a teen to watch American westerns. More clichés and some affected talk about voyeurism being part of cinema.

The next day things aren’t great on set. Damien tells a befuddled Scarlett that she’s holding back somehow. There’s talk of seduction and sexuality and is it empowering vs. degrading. Scarlett pretty much tells off Damien and then heads out for a breather, before coming back and deciding to finish the video on Damien’s terms.

Rayna and Zach stop by the shoot. She senses tension, he remains oblivious. Later, he heads outside and there’s what seems to be flirting with Will (new couple alert? Zill? Wach?), as Zach tries to hook him up with some primo freebie PR and a placement with his contact at the New York Times.

On the set, things are about to get messy. Damien’s pretty much taunting Scarlett and he spills some of the same secrets Gunnar shared the previous night. Unrelated, did you know that the actor who plays Gunnar,Sam Palladio is a Brit? How did I miss that? Back to the on-set fireworks. Scarlett gives in to her inner video vixen and contorts her body (like a modified scene of Linda Blair in The Exorcist) and we’re supposed to think it’s all steamy and sexy. It’s a little odd, though. There’s lipstick smudging and breathing on mirrors (was that in The Exorcist as well?). Gunnar is tied to a bed looking mostly befuddled. Throughout, the guyliner doesn’t budge, I must know the brand! After the shoot is over Damien acts all smug but conciliatory genius with Scarlett.

Back home, Gunnar is making both sweet and savory pancakes for his woman. Yay! The video shoot is over. Scarlett’s not having it. Why did he share their past drama? To be honest, it’s odd that she paints herself as the injured party here, considering their past history, but G ends up apologizing and praising her strength and his good fortune to be with her. We still haven’t seen the completed video though.

Maddie and Clayton:

Love On the Brain

Maddie and her new maybe boyfriend Clayton are hanging out in his car, listening to some tunes. He regales her with a bit of arcane music knowledge and suggests they go check out a bar, but then rescinds his invitation post-haste. It’s not the best place for a girl like Maddie he explains, but of course, Maddie gets her way and the rest of us tag along on their date. At Joe’s, the bar, Clayton is greeted with hugs and high fives and pulled on stage. And in case you’re wondering, it’s a perfectly lovely bar filled with black performers and patrons, only mentioned and notable because that seems to be the cause of Clay’s apprehensiveness. Both Maddie and I were a bit confused as to why Clay didn’t want to take her there. Clayton sings a sweet sweet tune and looks directly at Maddie when he does. She swoons. We swoon. Later on, he takes her to an abandoned (also not scary) parking lot where they talk about the history of the Grand Ole Opry. When asked why he loves history so much, Clayton explains that once upon a time, he was a bit wild. He then went to live with his grandpa who taught him to play guitar to create a sense of discipline. Not exactly sure where the history part fit in, but he starts talking about his mother’s death and Maddie cuts him off with a kiss. Rather than telling her she has sucky manners during times of emotional unloading, Clay tells her she’s underage and it’s illegal. He’s getting really good at those boy buzzkill moments.

Clay can’t keep away though. He calls her later and she’s playing some music and he asks to hear it and then asks to hear it in person. Boyfriend, enough with the mixed signals. Not cool to toy with our, I mean Maddie’s, emotions that way. So Maddie comes over to play and then at the end of her song tries to kiss Clay again and he rebuffs her yet again. This time he says he wants to get to know her better first, but she’s really into the smooching which isn’t happening. Clay finally admits that they won’t work because she’s white and he’s not and she’s privileged and then some words are exchanged before he kicks her out. So not cool. Then he ghosts her for a while and avoid her texts, so she heads over to Juliette for some advice. And coolio, J can move her leg a bit! But back to guy drama. Gotta love Juliette’s advice “If a guy’s not treating you right, that doesn’t mean there’s some sweeter version of him and it’s your job to find it.” Seriously, we need to all embroider that on a pillow.

Later, Clay’s busking on the street, when some racist white guys start taunting him and next thing we know, Maddie finds a bruised and beaten up Clay, back at his place. She calls 911 and they head to the hospital where she proceeds to ignore Rayna’s worried texts. Later, Clay tells Maddie they won’t be a good fit because he suffers from severe mood swings. For a show that didn’t have any of the major characters go for therapy after a plane crash, they’re pretty open about all and sundry understanding and accepting bipolar disorder. Maddie suggests meds, and Clay explains that they numb him and he’s unable to write or sing. Maddie, being a TV girl, says none of it matters and he’s scared of his feelings for her. He asks if she wants him to knock on her door and introduce himself as her much older, broke, boyfriend who’s off his meds. Maddie says yes. Then she goes home and has a modified hissy fit when Rayna and Deacon ask her to be more grown up about being in touch. Then the doorbell rings (who can it be?!) and of course, it’s Clay, come to meet the folks. Awww. Cue happy faces all around.

Rayna and The Mystery Stalker:

Crazy in Love

Well, we now know that the stalker isn’t Randall the dorky social media guy. Even though he nicked Rayna’s super special ceramic box with Maddie’s face on it, Rayna knew exactly where to find it (she’s probably been binge-watching Sherlock). Bucky and Rayna confront the sweet geek who then weeps and admits he stole it to give to his momma who’s Rayna’s biggest fan. When Randall denies knowledge of previous stalkery activities involving letters and rose petals, Bucky comes up with a quicky handwriting test. Randall passes, but loses his job. Then the real stalker seems to show up in the form of the creepy guy who tried to force a demo on Rayna a few weeks back.

Really? Is that all there is to the stalker story? Please tell me there’s going to be a twisty reveal somewhere down the line.

So what did you think? Great episode and insight into the world of video creation, or were you just hoping Scarlett would ditch the slip dress for a fleece jacket and some leggings and storm off the set?

Catch up on the first four seasons of Nashville on Huluand watch new episodes on CMT, Thursdays at 9 p.m. ET.

Rachel Weingarten is always on Team Rayna no matter the plot. She’s a noted and quoted expert on beauty, fashion and lifestyle. Rachel’s also a beauty historian and public speaker and lecturer on both the graduate and undergraduate level. Rachel is the award-winning author of three non-fiction books, her most recent being Ancient Prayer: Channeling Your Faith 365 Days of the Year (Fall River Press 1/16). Rachel regularly writes for BravoTV.com, USA Today, The Guardian and many others. Get social with her on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. Follow along as Rachel recaps Season 5 of CMT’s Nashville.