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“Katie Holmeshas spent a half-million bucks of ex-hubby Tom Cruise’s divorce settlement” to build a vacation home in Devils Lake, Michigan — 50 miles away from her hometown of Toledo, Ohio — so that Suri “can grow up out of the limelight and develop strong midwestern values,” reports the National Enquirer.

The tab then quotes a so-called “source close to the Holmes family” as saying that Holmes wants to take her daughter to the newly constructed two-story home “every summer and Thanksgiving,” adding in completely made up verbiage that “this will be a far cry from the jet-setting Suri does with her dad.”

According to another alleged “insider” for the magazine, Holmes “didn’t want a place in the Hamptons or Florida… She’s a Midwestern girl, and she wanted a place back home.”

Naturally, we’re not that shocked, considering this is the same tabloid which reported within the past six weeks that Suri is being pitched fashion designs by her classmates (nope); Holmes is planning to have a baby with her Mania Days co-star Luke Kirby (BS); and that the actress has banned parents from watching their kids take tennis lessons near her daughter (absurd).