Welcome To The Basement, Kirsten Whoever You Are

So Donk’s in therapy, huh? You don’t say. Because does anything blare more loudly that she remains a delusional, self-important, narcissistic asshole than this middle-of-the-night attempt at a Facebook smackdown of an actually intelligent person on her friends list, and not just some sycophant from the -stans?

It all starts when Kirsten has the gall to challenge some self-reverential wall post on idiot’s Facebook wall about what a success she is because she finally landed a reality show. Kirsten rightly points out that if landing a reality show is considered a success in the U.S., than Americans are basically fucked.

This prompted the Helen Hosebeast personality of Julia “Sybil” Allison’s many personalities to come out and play. Frankly, it’s awesome:

Julia Allison Plus, Kristen (EDS: That’s KIRSTEN, arseface), you’re missing the point. The point isn’t whether or not you find value in reality shows, but how much work goes into them – pitching them, getting them and making them. If you had any idea what my producers do and what I have done, the sheer creative persistence in the face of overwhelming odds, you wouldn’t be so dismissive.

—

Kirsten Osolind Doubtful, Julia. I empathize with the cyberbullying you’ve encountered, but EACH OF US encounters our own life hardships. Becoming a semi-scripted reality-show celebrity doesn’t change things – indeed, it introduces far more long-lasting psychological issues (a sense of entitlement, detachment, self-absorption, emotional rollercoaster lifestyles, and “traumatized dramatization”). If half of the labor involved with producing and acting in reality shows was siphoned off into propelling worthwhile philanthropic initiatives the world would be a far better place. Reality shows parody real life; they marginalize and undermine the integrity and sanctity of reality. I support your personal goals and defend your right to pursue fame. What’s your legacy? How will you leave the world a better place? Please don’t tell me it’s via a blog inspiring women to make necklaces out of loofas or telling women how to find a rich/handsome husband rather than create their own remarkable life. I’m just sayin…..

—

Julia Allison: Kirsten, the show isn’t semi-scripted. And it was deeply powerful (EDS: Bwahahaha) for me to go through it. I came out a changed person. It’s not for you to judge what is and isn’t a powerful experience for someone. I would challenge YOU to get up in front of cameras every day for six months, emotionally naked, and see whether you really think any of those false psychological issues exist at the end. If anything, I am much healthier afterward than I was before.

I’m not sure to what you’re referring with “loofah necklaces” or “rich/handsome” husbands, but I know that the emails I’ve received from women and men who found this reality show valuable have touched me deeply. (EDS: Bwahahahahhahhahahaa)

I intend to take the lessons I learned throughout the almost decade long process of getting and filming a tv show, and apply them to other endeavors, absolutely. But cut with the self-righteous tone of your comments. It’s boring, cliched and frankly? Unproductive.

Kirsten Osolind Leading a national awareness movement that protests the perils of reality show t.v. aspirations among our country’s youth may be a mountainous climb…but unproductive? No. To restore our country’s contributions to global productivity and innovation, we need to encourage young folks to build cool things, to think inventively, to volunteer, to do something other than whine and obsess over their own lives. Every day, Julia, every one of us – every SINGLE HUMAN BEING ON THIS PLANET – wakes up emotionally naked with an opportunity to change the world for good. With or without cameras. XO.

Kirsten Osolind Ps. I think its kinda funny that you – or your “handlers” – are marking my comments as SPAM when I am merely posing thoughtful, kind commentary…..

278 Responses to Welcome To The Basement, Kirsten Whoever You Are

She’s so fucking crazy. She’ll never get the help she needs, and her enabling asshole parents will never force her to. Her smarter and more successful younger brother could (frankly?) give a shit, as he’s happily married to his tiny and cute wife and is ashamed to call Julia Baugher his sister.

God, Julia Allison is forever emerging from this or that experience “deeply changed” or “the normal healthy Julia” she is (NOT!) today. How many times have we heard this song? Ashramalingdong, ding dong bray.

Bwa ha ha! Just like she’d do during her Georgetown days. Julie would make an idiotic remark, something along the lines of Erma Bombeck or Family Circus, that had clearly been rehearsed. She’d then smile broadly and swivel on her chair to look at the rest of us in the class, as though we should all be applauding some observation any 8th grader might voice.

I sincerely hope she came out a changed person. Deceiving a guy who obviously likes you romantically into helping you move boxes and then dumping him immediately afterwards quite possibly the most evil thing I’ve ever seen done on any reality TV show.

Wow! Our Julie got schooled! That exchange was like watching a young Mike Tyson take on a punk contender in one round with one punch. Sad thing is, KO is correct, offers penetrating insights from which Julie could learn a lot. Will she hear them? Nah, it’s just spam to her. How sad.

Did you guys ever have to write essays in school using specific vocab words? That’s what reading Julia Allison has become for me. It’s always the same exact words: healthy, frankly, emotionally, touched, deeply, honest, therapy, changed, winky face, etc. I’ve never been so bored by a “writer’s” writing.

It’s just amazing. She HAS to know this show is a complete fucking shitshow that makes her look like a Class A lunatic. Yet she is trying to spin it as the most gloriously amazing life-changing experience EVER! Holy fuck.

Dickhead, you are on a show that is making fun of you, rightly, for being an insane desperate undateable hag. It will fail soon, which is good, because at least you will stop embarrassing yourself for all hundreds of people who are watching. Please just stop.

And she’s behaving on Fecebook as though prostituting herself out for a shitty reality TV show is akin to discovering the cure for cancer. Can you imagine spending 8 years on such a pathetic goal and the result is Mess Despised, AKA Ambien in a Tumbler? The ‘stans weigh in as her enablers but Osolind is on to the obvious: the pelty pink empress is wearing no clothes.

This is good stuff. I like her calling out that everyone wakes up with the opportunity to be authentic and honest every day – emotionally naked if you will. No one is going to give you a cookie for playing with your hair on camera, Julia.

But, bunny, that time at ashram was almost a complete emotional makeover, except that Julie had to leave for those Dr. Bobby injections, so the hard work on becoming a spankin’ new ME ME ME was all for naught!

There were multiple ashram stays, each one more transformational than the next. Clearly the healthy-living, yoga skills, and inner peace that she attained carried forth to the rest of her life in perpetuity. Namaste.

Sorry if you already read this in the last thread, but two weeks ago, these two were best buds with Kirsten giving marketing advice to a Donkey:

Kirsten Osolind Idea: Add a “who was she wearing” photo montage to the Elle.com column and Bravo page. Like Chrissy Russo (San Diego’s weather girl) or Kelly Ripa (Live with Kelly). Just a thought.
27 June at 09:57 · Like · 1

Julia Allison Kelly does this? Link? Love that idea!
27 June at 11:14 · Like

SPECULBRAYTIONS:
[a] Lazy D0nkey no longer has to bother burning bridges, they now self-combust with no more provocation than her wonk-eyed gaze in their general direction?
[b] Kirsten Osolind is a whackaloon just like D0nkey, as proven by going from making suggestions on ways for D0nkey to enhance her celebreality brand to writing a scathing dissertation attacking D0nkey for all that’s wrong in the world, thanks to reality tv?

My speculation, based on absolutely nothing: Kirsten was angling to give Julia her professional marketing advice, Julia emailed her for more and Kirsten sent a novel of ideas and suggestions thinking that Julia might hire her as a consultant, and then Julia peaced out without thanking or paying and Kirsten felt snubbed. It sounds like Julia’s MO.

This in particular cracks me up: “If you had any idea what my producers do and what I have done, the sheer creative persistence in the face of overwhelming odds, you wouldn’t be so dismissive.”

Oh yes, what SHE has done. The odds are so stacked against HER, and the only reason this show happened was because she was so CREATIVE! Julia is like every girl who tries for years to be an actress/model and when she finally gets a photo in a catalog or a main role in a grad student film, she crows from the rooftops about all of her hard work finally paying off. Acting, modeling, and — wait for it — reality tv are all professions with an extremely high turnover, and if you keep at it you’ll get something eventually. It’s not really an accomplishment, Julie, it’s a numbers game.

I love that she never, ever reveals what’s behind the curtain, e.g. her methods for making effective phone calls, networking with the right people, coming up with and pitching ideas, collaborating with producers, etc. You know why? Because she’s lying.

I remember one time (and only one time) in the history of the Donkey that she commented on behind-the-scenes info and tips for others who might want to follow a similar path. And you know what that comment was? Something to the effect of it being too boring for her audience to read, even after a commenter on her blergh specifically requested her insight and details on her experience. Mentoring young women, my butthole.

I would actually love to know what she’s been doing behind the scenes, starting from the Gawker days. That’s been a large part of my interest in this whole saga. I saw the cheerleader video where she harasses the policewoman and it made me wonder what the hell else she’s doing to get noticed. Girlfriend is lazy as hell but she has the greasy promotional skills of a used car salesman and isn’t afraid to use them.

I agree. Too bad hustling for a relationship writing gig wasn’t part of her Miss Advised plot. The producers probably thought it too risky. Come to think of it, her inability to hold down a job is probably why her producers have had to work so hard over the years, polishing shit and then trying to sell it.

Anyway – that she chooses to be so coy suggests that she is well aware that she is a liar and/or her tactics are slimy.

The “stunts” part was showing up at Nick Denton’s Halloween party as the condom fairy, or outside Gawker offices in a cheerleader costume. The “friendship” party was cozying up to Rachel Sklar, Emily Gould and whatever other writers she could, whenever she could. It was Donkey’s Raw Ambition phase. Oh, wait…

launching a julia allison therapy reality show was one of the UN millennium development goals! it takes priority over AIDS, poverty, drinking water, vaccinations, and carbon dioxide emissions. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Changed? Bwahahaha she is not changed. She has never received professional help. She is just as NPD and selfish as ever. This is why she is single, why her life is a mess, why she has an eating disorder and no one returns her calls. She needs inpatient help for the crazy, the alcohol & the eating disorders. She won’t get help until she hits rock bottom. Thanks to a few enablers and reality tv she is not there yet. Eventually she will be there and hopefully get help.

I intend to take the lessons I learned throughout the almost decade long process of getting and filming a tv show, and apply them to other endeavors

TRANSBRAYTION: Ghostwriter Andrea Dunlop is going to transcribe my dicktations & compile them into a vanity-press publication financed by the late Granny Moneybag$.

Working Title:“THE DECADE OF LARGE ASSIDENTS”

Brayscription:
The Decade of Large Assidents is the story of one very strange groan-ass woman-child living in delusion. Through no fault of her own, everything is wrong in her life: she has no real friends, she has no job whatsoever and she was forced out of her parents subsidized condo by Raul (someone’s crazy, self-destructive boyfriend), only to later be forced out of Mrs. Nutterworth’s Coronado Beach condo (for hoovering Mrs. Nutterworth’s girl scout cookies while being FlapJack’s crazy, self-destructive email hacker).

While she tweet-grifts for an apartment in the wilds of Marina yel Bray, the troubled, frivolous social climber provides little consistency in her life other than leaving DN(br)A(y) splooge on many a couch-surfed cushion of her tinnitus-suffering hosts — thus begins the pearipathetic televised donkumentary of a Craigslist search for the ever-elusive wallet just like dear old Dad$er.

Adult-Content Rating:
This book will contain content considered unsuitable for readers with an IQ of more than 17+, and will be offensive to Power Moms of all ages.

Maybe those powerful moms heard about or saw a trailer mentioning them and fellatio in the same sentence–no one but us actually watched that shitshow–and thought twice about letting Princess Pelts near their fantastic sons.

OMG she looks like nothing on Earth. “I’m very self-conscious about my red, makeup-free face” she says in her Twitter. Well, shyeah, you look like abject crap there, Julie, and it’s just made worse by your juxtaposition with an attractive, well-groomed lady who isn’t wearing a clown suit.

Yes. I don’t want to act like I’m Queen of Armchair Diagnosis of Other People’s Eating Disorders, but I was inpatient and definitely saw people who got hugely swollen faces and hands from bulimia.

Of course that might or might not be Julie Albertson’s situation, because she’s constantly lying. On the other hugely swollen hand, she also talks about binging on food in ways that I don’t think most people who didn’t have an issue would (the “eating a jar of chocolate sauce from my parents’ second fridge” and the “eating four bars of chocolate in the aisle of the Whole Foods” and what-not).

I may have a weird perspective on this because I’m not at all a comfort eater (my eating disorder was on the restriction side), though.

I think the bulima brag is all bullshit to cover up the fact that she is going to be asked why she shot her face full of pancake batter (botox/Restalyne – multiple times, yo).

It was leaked to the mods that she was asked by the show and she denied it – so she knows either tonight or in the next four weeks – it’s coming up. Now she can just say her face is big and bloated because of bulimia and anyone who says otherwise is a BULLY!!!!

The outfit is fine, but yes, her bloated face is unnatural. What’s happening there? The fact that she’s not wearing make-up is not the issue (many women, like myself, don’t really need it, but like it) it’s what’s happening on and underneath her skin. Worrisome. Like, how can she act like what’s happening is not weird….she obsesses about her outfit, her sans make-up face, but not the situation of her face? Odd.

Why is she always talking about her “editors” (plural)? I mean, I know that she probably needs an entire staff of people to make her work even mildly palatable (she can probably find an intern or two here, no?), but you wouldn’t think she’d want to ADVERTISE that fact. Most columnists have *an* editor, not an entire staff of people to help along their princess delusions…

It’s her self-importance that gets to me. If she didn’t take herself so god damned seriously, I would probably like her more. Like, just admit the show is ridiculous and silly and pointless, and just a means to an end (fame, self-promotion, whatever). Lord. You’re not saving the world via “Miss Advised,” you re-re. You’re on a reality tv program, and a failing one at that.

Seriously. Style on the cheap can be had (I should effing know). Bakers, Aldo, Steve Madden and even Kenneth Cole are no go for me (they’d shred my delicate feet which can only be encased in all leather). Here is this girl bragging about Bakers. I really need to let this go

No, I totally hear you and probably won’t be letting this go anytime soon. Those brands you listed are all no-gos for me as well, although other people seem to hack them. I also can’t do Chinese Laundry or BCBG Girl or whatever (tho they are defs cute).

And I also 86ed Nine West after a the sole of a new-ish show fell CLEAN OFF on my way to Newark airport to catch a flight to Paris. They were the only shoes I brought because obviously I was going load up on as many new pairs as would fit in my suitcase. Burn me once…

Just looked at Twitter pic and it’s worse than imagined. While taking my step daughter shopping she bought me that same skirt from H&M. I threw it in the back of the closet and now give her the side eye on a regular basis.

As I’ve shared here before, I also suffer from Bulgy Calf-itis. I stopped wearing super high heels after I saw a photo of myself in them where my calf muscles looked like lead ingots wrapped in stockings.

She might think about whether it would be more flattering for her to wear a cute kitten heel and look like a lady, not like a welterweight boxer in drag.

I can’t even imagine seeing her ungracefulness clomping around the streets of NYC in those terrible shoes. NYC is a walking city. It’s fine to wear fuck me heels to the office and to a bar or out to dinner etc but why fuck is she plowing around the streets mid-day in those things? So bad for you…and not flattering in any way.

Yep. Though I suppose if you do the whole “curb to cab” approach to navigating the city, it’s doable.

Where she gets the money to fund all this shit, I do not know. Is she one of those women who applied for all sorts of credit cards in college, then made the minimum payments so the credit companies just kept upping her limit? (I had an artist friend who lived in his parents’ basement smoking pot and dropping acid and drawing on the walls who had well over $200k in credit just from making minimum payments.)

I think she saw La Lallallallalalalalala wowing Julie with her unique combo of decent common-sense advice and mangled SAT words and Kirsten thought “I need to get in on that action with my griftilicious consultancy services STAT.”

She keeps saying how much she loves this upcoming episode of the show, but this is the one where she gets wasted and tries to make out with the guy from last ep, right? So she cares more about getting kind of criticized by her agent last week than showing her full on lunacy tonight?

I think she’s just excited that she finally kisses someone on camera, and her eyes are so puffy she has totally missed the look of revulsion on his face after he pulls away. Seriously, I make that exact same face when one of my dogs rolls in a rotting carcass.

I barely watched last week because it’s just so fucking boring but it seems like she’s trying to set all 11 viewers up for her big character transformation, where she will Learn Things and Reveal Big Stuff. It’s all very profound and not at all ridiculous.

This has to among the most contrived and unbelievable stories that I’ve ever heard from her. My Greg, she’s been so sleazy/horny since she got to New York. Whose attention is she trying to get? Is Prom King still single?

Also if anyone has a cursory knowledge of NYC they’d know The Standard has mirrored windows and is in the Meatpacking and it’s one of the tallest buildings around that area… that’s why Le Bain and the Boom Boom room are so popular! Jesus. Where would the suits even be? This is actually pissing me off bc it’s SUCH a lie.

This is the kind of psycho about her that fascinates me – she comes up with WHOLE SCENARIOS – that are lies.

“Okay, what will make me seem very Zoeey Deschanel? Yeah, dancing to Wicked… LOL! I am so ZOMGawesome. Gotta up the ante though… okay… how about if a whole board room of men spy me! LOL, I’m so good at this!!!! Suckers on Twitter will eat. (snap) it. (snap) up. (snap)!”

Yes. One of the reasons I hate the motherfucking Standard is the “Oh, tee hee, our peek-a-boo open plan freestanding bathtubs are by the window! Hope you’re daring and sophisticated like us!” bullsheeeet. SO SEXAY SO MEATPACKING DISTRICT MODELS AND BOTTLES blah blah blah blah.

“… Still the question remains what to do about Miss Advised. In July last year, Bravo looked at the dismal ratings for Platinum Hit and unceremoniously dumped it to Friday nights. We don’t think anything that severe will happen, but do know that Andy Cohan is agitated about the poor lead-in it’s giving his Tuesday WWHL and so this might be the last week where Miss Advised airs at 10pm. Watch for it and RHoNY to swap places before the month is out…”

The Standard has a link on its website for press inquiries. I used to have a job writing hotel reviews, so I’m familiar with the process—she very well could have said she was a writer for [insert lie here] website/magazine/newspaper and wanted a comped room for review purposes. I’m not sure PR people at hotels really check that information out (no one ever did as far as I know, when I was reviewing stuff).

Thanks. I just assumed that was why she was in NYC. So she’s in NYC for some fake meeting at Elle and then back to LA for no real reason and then back to NYC on 7/23? That’s our Donkey–leaving as big a carbon hoofprint as she can. I guess it’s really her only legacy to the world.

I actually enjoyed Platinum Hit. Much better show than Miss Advised. Not my kind of music scene at all, but it was interesting watching the process. The songwriters were all genuinely talented and actually had to be creative and produce stuff under real time pressure and handle all sorts of criticism on camera. Take that Julia!

I loved Platinum Hit too! The structure of the show was really solid and it was fascinating to watch the contestants try to collaborate.

And before she burns all her bridges at Bravo (lol, as if she hasn’t already), Jaba should find out who styled Jewel and get down on her hairy donkey knees and beg for their help, because she looked devastating every damn episode.

This new Julia of the Twitter Dummies persona is one of my faves. Sucking up compliments from fools. All the loving and hugging the shit out of people. It’s awesome. Isn’t she leaving NYC tonight? What’s she talking about going to see that Ben Lehrer speak tomorrow?

What a pig is right. And that guy is an ass. If you don’t want to be married or save some things for your wife, don’t get married. The way this guy acts is disrespectful and goes beyond joking. And…. he has no taste. Julia Baugher? Benj… get real.

In the chat column on the right side of that pahe, someone says Bravo YYcast ABC site (no link given) & the first two links I get *same site) when I google that text) sets off my Avast Malicious Site Alert, so you might not want to go there.

Also honey, let me save you some therapy. Some commenters here might think this is beyond mean, but I’ve been following you and your problems for a very long time: Here you go, free of charge:
Your daddy is gay. It’s obvious, your mom looks like a man (which i would normally find endearing, but she’s a Republican) What respectful Republican looks as hippie and mannish as she? None.
Your brother Britt is afflicted with Aspergers. He also might be gay, he married an Asian girl. RED FLAG world wide.
You? Don’t know what to do. That’s understandable.
Please stop trying to emulate both of these relationships.You’re welcome.

Not just Nicolas Cage, but 99% of the men in China, Japan, the Koreas, and of course Allie’s own Philippines, because the East Asian pussy turns dudes gay.

Seriously, if there’s any stereotype about white US dudes who marry East Asian ladies, it’s that they’re incredibly sexist and looking for a “submissive” wife. Which I don’t think is the case for most people in those marriages, and I certainly don’t think is the case for Britt and Allie.

I’ve heard from Asian women that there is this thing where closeted (American?) gay men pick Asian women as the last step before coming out of the closet…something to do with the (generally) more slender and “boy like” figures Asian women have.

I’d forgotten about this until I read the same thing in Eugenides’ Middlesex, where he mentioned this “theory” as well.

The idea that no one is every allowed to challenge and idea or, Greg forbid, criticize or “judge” someone/some thing is one of the laziest and dumbest ideas floating around these days. Sorry, but not all ideas/people/things are equally worthy or good and if we refuse to apply logic or make judgments, it’s a net loss, not a gain. LOL @ Julia making it her life’s goal to do whatever the fuck she wants and no one can judge her.

I guess she changed her flights because she’s been tweeting that she’s only in NYC until Monday and now she’s sticking around for a talk at 6pm on Tuesday? Really cutting back on that Chicago time, huh?

These means no deballage. She ditched the deballage again. Probably because she realized she wouldn’t be prominently featured. And there are going to be few (no) marriagable men there on a Wednesday afternoon.

Yup and I agree. So often the biggest shocks and upset always seem to come just when you think you’re dealing w/ enough bull shit as it is. Also just as often is once you get to the other side, it ends up being for the best. Just need to get through it is all.
Hang in there JP.

Just wanted to add my commiserations to the general pile of love and support from the RBD-family. This site/sight/cite is truly incredible and that is all down to you and Jacy (and the Prof.). The fact that you created this extraordinary community based around snarking on a nobody means that you have talent and perserverance coming out the yazoo and will soon be looking back on this day as the best thing that ever happened to you because it led to … (fill in the blank with your choice of dream).

You are obviously a very talented and hilarious writer. I’m sure someone will be more than happy to have you aboard soon enough! I’ve been there, though. Just remember to believe in yourself even on the really shitty days.

So this interests me – Cat Marnell tweeted Julia – something about email stealing your soul -. I had just been thinking that it’d be interesting to hear Julia, if she were worth her salt in thoughtful comment, compare/contrast her experience as a woman who also had a very, very public … life. Is anyone else watching this all unfold?

Marnell is Amy Winehouse without the beehive. She’s so in love with her addiction, which is a shame because addiction is fucking boring and she could be a good writer if she took her head out of her navel for ten seconds.