Michael Phelps

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Farida Shourbaji: Michael Phelps wakes up from his New Year debauchery to find Father Saturn standing over him with a cup of coffee and that "we need to talk" look. Time to use that gold medal discipline for something other than partying. Oh, and watch those little swimmers -- there will be consequences for any Phelpsian slips. Don't say I didn't warn you! Lexie Mountain: This year, Baltimoreans are going to have to adjust to a whole new Phelps out of the swimsuit in some new other kind of comparably humorous yet expensive outfit. His success in a non-wet field will be significant, and there may be a positive, soul-reinforcing female influence on the horizon. Angela Devoti: Baltimore's own Olympian will make a mid-March splash, scuttling about in the 'burbs. In early spring he'll appear (sans consent) on a video uploaded to YouTube, as grainy, scowling figure toting a new pet honey badger. Phelps don't care what you or anyone else thinks about his public persona. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Baltimore.

Farida Shourbaji: Michael Phelps wakes up from his New Year debauchery to find Father Saturn standing over him with a cup of coffee and that "we need to talk" look. Time to use that gold medal discipline for something other than partying. Oh, and watch those little swimmers -- there will be consequences for any Phelpsian slips. Don't say I didn't warn you! Lexie Mountain: This year, Baltimoreans are going to have to adjust to a whole new Phelps out of the swimsuit in some new other kind of comparably humorous yet expensive outfit. His success in a non-wet field will be significant, and there may be a positive, soul-reinforcing female influence on the horizon. Angela Devoti: Baltimore's own Olympian will make a mid-March splash, scuttling about in the 'burbs. In early spring he'll appear (sans consent) on a video uploaded to YouTube, as grainy, scowling figure toting a new pet honey badger. Phelps don't care what you or anyone else thinks about his public persona. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Baltimore.