Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Day 22 - Avoiding Friends I Change Around

Today I was
at the Laundromat and I saw two of my former coworkers who I worked with two
years ago before I left for school. They were going into a house. I used to
hang out with them. My husband asked me why I didn’t go over to say ‘hi,’ and
it took me a long time before I could figure out the answer. I realized that I
do not like who I become when I ‘m around them. We discussed the fact that I
should stand stable no matter who I’m around, and if I don’t, then I’m giving
my power away.

When I moved away to go to school, I
met new people, and I started friendships with classmates the way I wanted to,
wherein I would not participate in fake personalities or energetic experiences
with them. I didn’t do it perfectly, but I definitely took steps that I’m
confident I can build upon to eventually not be influenced by others. But when
I saw those two coworkers, I immediately reacted to them, because I used to
change who I was when I would hang out with them, and I didn’t like that. So
when I saw them I immediately assumed that I would be like that again, which is
not a good assumption to make, because if I allow myself to participate within
those thoughts, then I’ll likely repeat the pattern instead of taking steps
towards standing stable and not compromising myself in the presence of others.

Even if I’m not interested in
starting up a friendship with them again, there’s no reason why an emotional
experience within me should stop me from going over and saying ‘hi,’ and seeing
how they’re doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change
around others by entering into personality constructs as personalities which I
have, over time, constructed mostly as a coping mechanism, in order to feed my
ego to achieve the greatest amount of energy-based reactions, feelings and
emotions etc.. which is really manipulation of myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want,
need and/or desire to participate within and as energy, within and through
relationships with others, so that I may get what I want, whether it be a
feeling, a confirmation, validation etc… out of relationships in my life and
world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
want/need/desire to manipulate my world and the relationships within it through
specifically designing personalities which I can consciously or subconsciously
access in order to maintain a feeling ‘good,’ ‘validated.’ ‘happy,’ ‘energized,’
fulfilled,’ ‘righteous,’ ‘superior’ etc etc etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use
relationships in my world to attain these ‘senses of self’ that I
think/believe/perceive to be who I am, instead of realizing that Who I Am is
not an internal feeling within myself that needs to be ‘fed,’ manipulated or
validated, because Who I Am, as Who We All Are, is Here already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by others when I interact with them, and so I compromise myself in order to not be judged, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is really only me judging myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged as weird, awkward, ugly, uncool, boring etc.... when I am with others, instead of standing within and as complete self-acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceive I need others to ‘like’ me, in order to reflect that ‘liking’
back to myself so that I can think/believe that ‘I am liked,’ and ‘I am
likeable’, which would indicated that I actually believe the opposite,
otherwise I would not need to reflect it to myself as a projection from
others, making it ‘someone else’s job’ to ‘like’ me, because I don’t like
myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to
like myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
act/behave in ways that I don’t like, and instead of taking responsibility and
stopping and changing, I take the easy route and just not like myself, while
living the lie that I am likeable by going into personalities around people in
order to get them to like me/manipulate them into liking me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge
myself for going into personalities around people, and then avoid being around
those people because I judge myself and don’t like who I become, or that I
become something/someone else around them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in the presence of others by going into personality suits, due to the fact that I have abdicated my self-responsibility in terms of 'who I am' on to others, specifically in this case, the want/need/desire to be 'liked,' because I have acted in ways which I myself do not like, and have not taken complete rsponsibility for myself yet in this way- in this way wherein my thoughts, words and deeds are alligned within a consideration for all that's Here, as that I what I would want from everyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in any way for anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility in any way to anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame
other people for the fact that I change myself when I’m around them, instead of
taking responsibility and standing as me no matter who I am around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be
directed by my feelings of ‘not wanting to be around people because of the way
it makes me feel’, instead of taking responsibility for the way I feel,
forgiving it so that I can simply be me, and directing myself to face others to
see what comes up so that I can accordingly address it within myself every
time.

When and as I see that I am reacting to others wherein ‘I don’t
want to see them,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness
within the understanding that it is my responsibility to stand as me no matter
who I am around, and nobody else can do that for me, so I will stand.

I commit myself to investigate any and all internal reactions
I experience when I am in the presence of others.

I commit myself to push through any and all fear that I
experience when and as I am interacting with others.

I commit myself to work towards interacting with others
within and as absolute self-honesty wherein I stand as me in every moment.

No comments:

Post a Comment

About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.