Review of The Haunted Mansion

Things that go thud in the night.

Supposedly, The Haunted Mansion is the last in a series of "ride-based films" to be developed by Disney (discounting the already-announced sequels to this summer's Pirates of the Caribbean). Based on a Disneyland attraction of the same name, THM posses neither the innate cleverness or graceful charm of its high-tech fun house source material.

The primary issue here seems to be the heart that is driving the narrative  or the lack there of. This film is as coldly mechanical as...well...a theme park ride: It hits every beat one would expect it to hit, goes through every motion one would expect it to go through, and quickly emerges as an exceedingly flimsy delivery system for gags that frequently feel more forced than natural.

Which is paradoxical, given that 1) the titular "ride" from which it springs is generally considered to be one of the more effective (if not the most effective) experiences in the Magic Kingdom; and 2) the film is directed by Rob Minkoff, who helmed such emotionally-fueled fare as The Lion King and both Stuart Little movies. But The Haunted Mansion is as desperately shallow as they come.

Joining Eddie (still trying to live down Pluto Nash) Murphy are Terrence Stamp as Ramsley the Butler (why such a magnificent and versatile actor is repeatedly hired to play such stodgy and undeveloped stiffs is utterly confounding), Wallace Shawn (pretty much playing himself as a ghost), and Jennifer Tilly as Madame Leota (nowhere near as hot as she usually is  her head is floating in a crystal ball this time around). Oh yeah, Murphy has a "family" in this movie  but all are as anorexically drawn as the plot around them.

Frustratingly enough, the film is not without positives: Visual effects by Sony's tremendous Imageworks are richly colored, and offer a few moments of genuinely breathtaking supernatural majesty. Above-par makeup effects by Rick Baker/Cinovation evoke the good old days of ghastly prosthetic merriment (think Michael Jackson's Thriller  intensified), and production design by John Myhre (Chicago) is both atmospheric and opulent. But there's nothing to hold such wondrous qualities together. The Haunted Mansion feels more like an exercise in technical proficiency than a heartfelt press towards true storytelling.

Three ghosts...trying to hitch a ride out of the film.

The movie effectively springs to life on only a few occasions, most notably in a protracted, Indiana Jones-esque battle between Murphy and a gaggle o' Baker baked ghouls, and during some clever cross-cutting between parallel action. If the rest of THM had been conceived with such savvy, 'twould be a visit well worth making. As it is, if you've ever been to the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland or the Magic Kingdom, you'll find little joy in this movie. If you've never been to the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland/Walt Disney World? Save yourself the price of admission, and put the money towards making a trip to see the real thing. The ride goes by much more quickly, and the payoff is infinitely more rewarding and inventive.

How Disney managed not to make a movie based on the "It's a Small World, After All!" ride is beyond me. Crap, I shouldn't have said that...