Comedian

Month: November 2016

Disclaimer: I did not open this beer at 10 am. It was still open from last night and I just started drinking it again at 10 am. Please direct your concerns by writing them on naked pictures of yourself and sending them to my SnapChat (MonicaNevi).

I have been told to be quiet. If you know me, have read me, have seen me on stage you know that is a ridiculous request as I am an extremely quiet person. What I have really been told is to give up. Well, I am not going to do that. Last night we elected Donald Trump as our 45th President, and I want to apologize now for relentlessly using the r-word. I’m sure you have seen your friends or liberal counterparts posting how upset they are about this decision. Maybe you are just as upset. This post is to air the pain and call you to action for what comes next.

Here is what hurts: the fact that someone who has blatantly projected hate onto all of us, is who we put in office because we are dumb. No matter who you are, a person of color, a woman, a gay person, an immigrant, a poor person- Trump thinks you are literally a lesser person than he is. And we just told him he was right. We told every person of color their lives don’t matter. Told every immigrant we do think they are a terrorist or rapist. Told every person in the LGBTQ community they do not count. We just told every woman and every little girl to be quiet and every little boy that they can get away with silencing us. We just told mental illness to go find something else to worry about. We just checked the box that told every sexual assault victim that they deserved it or were asking for it. And we just put a gun to the head of progress and equality and told it to back the fuck up.

I have amazing parents: a mother stronger than any woman I have ever met and a father that would save the world if he was the standard for men in our country. They always told me I could be whatever I wanted and taught me how to love and respect every single other person. But still I have been taught my entire life by everyone else to be quiet. Don’t cause a scene, don’t have an opinion, just go with it. Boys, particularly white boys, have always been taught that they can do whatever they want and it is the sign of a real man to never take no for an answer. Not only CAN they do or have whatever they want but they DESERVE it, just for being a man. I fight everyday in every way I possibly can, hoping that this is not true or that I too am just as deserving of the things I want. Last night that was violently shoved down my throat and it was not consensual. This was all too apparent by Hillary’s concession speech. Her speech was full of dignity, grace and hope. She talked about giving Trump a chance, never giving up in fighting for what you think is right and how she is still proud to be an American… she went quietly! What the fuck! It was an amazing speech, made me cry harder than I already had been but that’s a forcefully obvious example of how society has oppressed women so much that even when we get as close as we can get to that glass ceiling, we still do it quietly. Bitch, you better throw something! I would like us all to take a deep breath and imagine the shit storm that would have been unleashed had he lost.

There is a long list of fundamental flaws in our society, that I harbor extreme embarrassment over, but this is the one I can change. I had to text my brother this morning and tell him to be careful because there will be an increase in violence against minorities; why would I ever have to send that? I’m not going to be quiet anymore, I know I am more than capable of doing the things I want to do. I know for a fact my version of America, the one where we love and support each other and there is no violence or hate, is the correct America. Stop treading lightly and start barking loudly. The only reason people listen to the NRA or the KKK is because they are inflamed, they make noise. Let’s make some fucking noise.

Hillary had to play nice so she could stay on both sides. We do not. We can be a Bernie Sanders-type heavy progressive people that are ready for exactly what we have been looking for. Either we get the equality and peace we have been asking for, or we take this whole motherfucking thing down. We don’t play quietly. We play hard and we play to win.

I thought to myself the other day, as I have many times, “I have been through so much trauma and bullshit, a reward is coming soon right? It has to.” I am terrified that I have started to accept that’s not how it works. We have been fed this idea that if we work hard and do what we are supposed to we will be rewarded and happy but that is not true. That’s a distraction. Most of us have had some shit happen in our lives. Terrible, traumatizing shit and WE DESERVE to get what we want for once. We didn’t do it last night but you bet your life there is a fire. A fire started in me and you and everyone who cares about anyone.

Before you start your comment about how I am a cunt, I know not ALL straight, white men are shitty, entitled people. I know that for sure because I have some amazing versions of them in my life, the best versions. My father is the best version of a straight white man. I have dated great version of this man and I have loved many more amazing versions of the men that will make the difference because they are on our side. One of my roommates took our recycling in this morning – while I cried in my bedroom – and then gave me the $5 from it, in what I can only assume is a gesture of his devotion to closing the wage gap. I know that not all straight white men are bad, but some are rapists. We picked the worst of them to be in charge- Donald Trump is the Brock Turner of orange people.

As you watch the strongest, smartest and best women, LGBTQ, immigrant and people of color cry today realize the severity of what we just did and then realize the severity of what we have to do next. It has to be a massacre, a flood, an all-encompassing storm of love, passion and understanding. There are more of us on the same side than we realize, just barely the majority (the electoral college can suck my balls). As we stay seated on the couch amidst this house fire we started in our own home, I have concluded the only way to do anything about it is to come together. There are more of us that care about each other and our differences than the ones who hate. Sure, you didn’t all make it to the polls, or wrote in Hamarabe and literally threw our country to the bigots but nonetheless there is a fire started. I get it, you did it to start the revolution. I thought that’s what the creepy clowns were but no. It is the creepy president. It has started, be loud, say what you want and when they try to keep you quiet, that just means you are doing it right.

For every tear that falls today, every student that walks out and every parent that explains to their kid there will always be hope, there will always be a movement: I’m glad you are here. My mom has always said the 60’s were a cool time. Janis Joplin lives again.

The media tells us something different about the 2016 Presidential Election everyday. Clinton is winning today but Trump is winning tomorrow. The only information scarier than what the media is reporting is what they are not. There are things going on in our country and on an individual level that we are ignoring. Everyday our overall lack of self-awareness, the presence of self-hate and our inherent ability to just be mean to ourselves and one another are marching us closer to the end of times.

At this point you are wondering what I am talking about. A week ago I took it upon myself to start a twitter poll asking one of the most important questions asked this year. The poll and results brought up some tremendous concerns on literal and figurative levels.

The Question

If time travel was possible and a future version of yourself returned to your current self and offered to go down on you, would you do it?

The Results:
It was a tight race most of the time. Yes was up for quite awhile. Then No. Then Yes. Then No.

The Concern

First of all, there is a right answer. It is yes. The concern with the majority ending up swaying to the no side is that there is a blatant lack of self-love happening. If we can’t even love ourselves, how are we supposed to love anyone else? I have always said, why would I expect anyone else to want to have a box lunch or have sex with me if I wouldn’t consider it myself? Think about the product you are putting out there before criticizing other people for not wanting it. If you are confident in yourself, they will be drawn to you. Secondly, you don’t have to tell anyone. Even if you were embarrassed by kneeling at your own altar, which you shouldn’t be, you could 100% keep it a secret. I can’t even tell who voted for what on twitter unless you added a clever disclaimer. My initial thought is if you are afraid to say yes for some feeling of shame, there is probably another list of things you are hiding. Finally, since it is hypothetical at this point you get to pick what version of yourself it is. You can get your shit together, you can be the body type or personality type you want to be and then be rewarded for the work you have yet to put into that body. If you are having issues with your own confidence you get to make your future self who you want to be, which is a fun exercise. What can you add to your life to allow yourself time travel self pleasure?

Great Points by Voters

Much like the election, the poll led to some points that I hadn’t even thought of from both sides. Some had concerns about what their future self might look like:

Although I had not considered that, I figured it is a hypothetical and you can make yourself as hot as you want. Which brings us back to the original point of lacking self worth. You can make your body however you want it in a fantasy, the second guy wanted a bigger version of himself. You get to chose how hot you are but your negative thoughts about yourself aren’t allowing you to do that. Others nailed this part:

I didn’t necessarily mean for it to be a divisive question and was honestly prepared for people to be full of humor and self love and say yes. However, some people were just as appalled as I was and let us know their reasons:

@MonicaNevi If I say “no,” then I’m just setting myself up for the most painful rejection of all later in life.

Small voter turnout. It is a known political science statistic that results stop varying after a sample size of 1,200 votes are taken, which was well off from 53 voters in this poll.

Voter requirements. Although advertised on other social media outlets, the voter must have had a twitter account to be able to participate in the poll, leaving many unable to vote.

Potential voter fraud. There was one conservative voter than was very unhappy with the idea that people may want to say yes to themselves and after leaving the polling headquarters to go hang out with a group of registered but uncounted voters the numbers jumped up on the no side.

I am not saying the results would be different had these flaws been addressed but it may be worth trying again.

The Election

What does this have to do with current Presidential Election that will wrap up in just a matter of days? So much. We have spent the last year compiling reasons why we hate each of the candidates and letting those drops of hatred creep into our feelings for one another and based on this poll our feelings for ourselves. The fact that every single one of us does not shout “YES!” when asked if we would let our future self go down on us is a sad reflection of what we think the future holds for healthcare, education, science programs and equality in our nation. If we can’t be confident enough in the United States of America’s ability to provide healthcare affordable enough that all of our futures include a healthy and attractive body to visit the southern regions, an America with an education system that promotes self worth and love, science programs that make this scenario less hypothetical and more realistic or provide an environment where people of any race, religion, socio-economic background, mental health, gender or sexual orientation feel confident in who they are and comfortable enough with themselves that they feel excited about letting their time traveling clone go to work downstairs then I think we are in far more trouble than we realized.

The moral of the story is that we need to vote, for the best interest of ourselves and upholding the important things we hold dear to each of us. You should be number one on your list all the time, you’re great. The other important part to realize is that this was just another perfect example of how my freedom of speech allowed me to use something so ridiculous to force my positive thoughts on you. I love you and it’s okay if you don’t like it. Here are two things you can do to help you get to “I love myself so much I would go down on myself” levels of thinking:

Mellowing Out with Monica – November Meditation

listen to the HugLife Podcast (huglifepodcast.com) and buy a You’re Great shirt to remind yourself 🙂 Get it here.