Wednesday Watch List: Olympics Get Shasta McTwisty

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things tonight that may be worth forging a money order for your bail bondsmen so you can go home and watch. LET’S GO!

WINTER OLYMPICS - 8:00PM (NBC)

TONIGHT! It’s the gold medal final of the men’s snowboard halfpipe. Winner gets to use the entire pipe. I would take snowboarding much more seriously if A) The announcers didn’t all sound like the turtle from “Finding Nemo,” and B) The names for snowboarding moves didn’t sound like they were invented by the marketing board of Mountain Dew. McTwist? Fakie ollie? Indy nosebone? Come on, man. Half the time, it sounds like the announcer invented the term on the spot. “And here’s Shaun White with a Raddie McBend! WHOA!” They can do better.

Also tonight, the 1000m finals of men’s speed skating, and the showcase event: the women’s downhill finals. I enjoy watching the downhill events because it really does look like the skiers are about to kill themselves. They go down the mountain the same way I did when I was 4 and no one told me you were supposed to turn. Lindsey Vonn is expected to race in this event. ZOMG! SHE’S TUCKING WHILE RACING! THAT’S TOO PROVOCATIVE!

There have been complaints about the fact that many of these events are tape-delayed, and I have to agree. The entire West Coast feed of these Olympics will be tape delayed, despite the fact that the Games are taking place in that exact time zone. It makes so sense to tape delay these things when the results are impossible to avoid. It’s the second biggest sporting event on Earth, Dick Ebersol. Make it live. ANTICIPATION: DAFFY MCSCOOPABLE

30 BIZARRE INVENTIONS - 8PM (Fine Living)

Including my invention: SNOWBOT: THE ROBOT MADE FROM SNOW. “But Drew,” you say, “Robots are made of metal!” Not Snowbot. He’s made from snow. And he’s programmed TO KILL WITH FROST. ANTICIPATION: HIGH