Forgiveness in marriage: Till death do us part

“Please forgive me…” are three little words that can be very hard to pronounce on a regular basis, especially in marriage.

It has been scientifically proven that forgiveness is good for the health of the body. In one psychology study a leading researcher followed participants for five weeks and measured how their levels of forgiveness ebbed and flowed. He found that when forgiveness rose, levels of stress went down. Reduced stress, in turn, led to overall happiness*.

As Christians, we also know that forgiveness is good for the soul. As Catholics, we know this to be true through our experience in the sacrament of reconciliation. As we confess our sins and receive his grace in the sacrament we are reconciled once again with God.

When we marry, we will inevitably experience conflict, disappointment, betrayal and hurt. Our choices in how we respond or choose to react will either foster happiness or cause us to grow apart as a couple. Let me illustrate in another way. In nature, the trees that sway when the wind hits hard are the ones that survive at the end of the storm. In marriage, we must also learn to bend so that we don’t break every time we face trials, disagreements or hurts.

Forgiving one another plays a crucial part in our daily married life. During Lent we can be more forgiving (of little things) and in doing so imitate Jesus, who laid down his life for us. Humility and forgiveness go hand-in-hand. Jesus humbled himself. We humble ourselves when we sacrifice for our spouse. We walk with the Lord through our own Calvary, in order to grow in holiness. We get to the hope of our reconciling hearts and conquer pain and hurt, just as Christ conquered death at his Resurrection.
So how do we maintain our commitment to forgiveness in marriage? Following are some ideas that help us strengthen our marriage bond.

1. Begin each day in prayer“... Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ.” (Eph 4:32) Every day my beloved husband Tony and I pray together the Lord’s Prayer (Our Father). This simple prayer helps us to remember to forgive even before we begin each new day.

2. Ask for forgiveness“Therefore, if your bring your gift to the alter, and there recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (Mt. 5:23-24) Did you snap at your spouse? Forget to complete a promised chore or task for them? You may think the forgiveness is understood, but it’s still important to ask for forgiveness.

3. Be kind The words: “Kindness spoken here” (Prov 15:1, 25:15), are displayed on a small card posted on our kitchen cabinet door. Since the kitchen is one room that our family uses daily, and since we open this cabinet door at least a few times a day, it made sense to post the card there where we would read it at least once a day. To speak in a kind way is crucial to maintaining peace in the home.

4. Forgive How do I love and forgive my spouse seventy times seven? (Mt 18:21-22) Just as you seek forgiveness, so you must grant that to your spouse. To forgive, as our Father forgives us, means that we need to grow in humility and are vulnerable to the other. We abandon ourselves to the mercy of God in every life moment when we offend the Lord (when we offend one another). This is very difficult because our feelings, pride and ego can get in the way many times.

This Lenten season may you find ways to forgive and be forgiven and feel more united in your marriage.