Torah with Morrie #6: Feeling for Others

Striving to live with an awareness of the pain of others and do what we can to alleviate their burden.

One of the hardest challenges within the gamut of spiritual growth is to try to sincerely feel the pain of others. It is difficult to put ourselves in someone else's place and experience their hurting.

Morrie Schwartz didn't have this difficulty.

I (Mitch) noticed a stack of newspapers that had obviously been read before I got there. 'You bother keeping up with the news?' I asked.

'Yes,' Morrie said. 'Do you think that's strange? Do you think that because I'm dying, I shouldn't care what happens in this world?... Maybe you're right. Maybe I shouldn't care. After all, I won't be around to see how it all turns out. But it's hard to explain, Mitch. Now that I'm suffering, I feel closer to people who suffer than I ever did before. The other night, on TV, I saw people in Bosnia running across the street, getting fired upon, killed, innocent victims- and I just started to cry. I feel their anguish as if it were my own. I don't know any of these people. But -- how can I put this? -- I'm almost drawn to them. '

Amazing, I thought, I worked in the news business. I covered stories where people died. I interviewed grieving family members. I even went to their funerals. I never cried. Morrie, for the suffering of people half a world away, was weeping.
Quote from "Tuesdays with Morrie"

There's no question that when someone undergoes suffering of his own, he finds it easier to feel another person's pain. Such was the case with Morrie. But how can people who are not currently suffering accomplish the goal mentioned as one of the 48 ways to wisdom (Pirkei Avot 6:6), "sharing his friend's burden'?

We inescapably live much of our lives in a self-centered manner.

The reason why we find feeling other people's suffering so difficult is because we inescapably live much of our lives in a self-centered manner. We begin life as infants with no concept of anyone else but ourselves. Babies cry when they're hungry or when they have a dirty diaper without any perception that they are waking up their parents at 3AM. As we grow into childhood, we discover slowly that there are other people in the world and that we must get along with them. But we mainly 'share our toys' not because we care about the pain of other kids, but because we either want them to share their toys with us or because we're forced to.

As we develop and mature, we realize more and more that other people are truly important and need to be respected for their own existence. It is very hard to rip ourselves away from our self-absorption and it usually takes a lifetime of spiritual advancement to accomplish it.

This is why the great Talmudic sage Hillel told a potential Jewish convert, the Torah can be encapsulated into one directive: 'That which you hate, don't do unto others.' (Talmud Shabbat 31a)

Sensitivity for others, loving your friends and neighbors is what the entire Torah is all about. The goal of all of the 613 commandments is to break free from the self-serving and selfish attitude with which we are born, and to step into the thoughts and feelings of those around us, including God.

Now that we have discovered the source of the difficulty for feeling other people's pain, our self-absorption, we are ready to move forward and work on improving ourselves.

Let us learn from Moses.

By twists of fate, Moses did not grow up in slavery like the rest of the Jewish people. He actually was raised by Pharaoh's daughter, Batya, in the Egyptian ruler's palace. Yet, Batya, a secret convert to Judaism, informed Moses of his Jewish descent.

"He (Moses) went out to his brethren and saw their suffering."

Rashi: 'He placed his eyes and heart to feel pained for them.'Exodus 2:11)

Moses went out of his way to feel the suffering of his fellow Jews. He did not sit back and enjoy his luxurious royal lifestyle. His brothers were hurting and he couldn't bear to live without feeling their pain.

Moses cried and said to himself: "I am so pained for them! I wish I could die for them! There is nothing as difficult as making bricks!' Moses then offered his own shoulders and helped as many Jews as he could with their work. (Medrash, Shemot Rabbah 1:27)

We need to strive to emulate Moses, to step away from dealing only with our concerns and start putting ourselves in the mindset of others. We need to see their needs, worries, and pain. We need to become good listeners, and offer comforting and encouraging words. We can't always do anything tangible to solve the problem, but the fact that my friend knows that I share the ache of his burdens helps him tremendously. He knows that he doesn't face his problems alone.

Included in sharing my friend's burden is the act of praying for him.

"Whoever can pray for another and doesn't is called a sinner…If he is a wise and sensitive man, he will make himself sick over his friend's problems."
(Talmud, Brachot 12b)

I know just such a wise and sensitive man. He is a prominent Baltimore rabbi and Torah scholar, Rabbi Yaakov Hopfer. He was once sitting at a meeting of a charity organization in Baltimore, in which the committee was discussing how to properly allocate funds and to whom. There were refreshments served. Several times throughout the meeting the host offered Rabbi Hopfer some food and drink. Rabbi Hopfer kept declining. The host started to wonder why the great rabbi was not eating his food.

Rabbi Hopfer explained his actions. "We are here discussing so many sad stories, so many people who need our help financially and otherwise. I feel that if I refrain from eating and I experience slight hunger as they do, I'll be better equipped to make decisions concerning these poverty stricken individuals."

This is what we must strive for. We should live each day with an awareness of the burden of others and do what we can to alleviate their pain.

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About the Author

Rabbi Boruch Leff is a vice-principal at Torah Institute in Baltimore. "Are You Growing?" (Feldheim), his just released book, is a must read if you want to grow spiritually. Click here for info on the book.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 2

(2)
Anonymous,
May 4, 2005 12:00 AM

How does the insensitive achieve this?

I think this piece of Torah that Rabbi Leff shared with us is very pertinent, and many should learn that sharing in other people's pain isn't nosy or inappropriate. My question is, if a person has a personality in which (s)he cannot bring him/her self to feel with others' pain easily, how does (s)he come to this madreiga? I know Rabbi Leff wrote, "We need to see their needs, worries, and pain. We need to become good listeners, and offer comforting and encouraging words." But after paying attention to their problem and doing his utmost to help the person, a person may still feel unattached - the deed was done, and yet (s)he has not been affected by it at all by the experience. Is this stil considered "nosei b'ol chaveiro"? (In summary, the question, b/c it sounds confusing... If a person acts outwardly as if he cares and does as much as he can, but feels nothing inside, is this a fulfillment of what is stated in Pirkei Avos?)

(1)
Warren,
May 3, 2005 12:00 AM

Keep at it

I heard/read once that at a wedding it's harder to tell the family than at a funeral. It's because at a wedding, every looks happy, but at a funeral you can tell cuz only the family cries.
This doesn't have to be true, but in general, since most people have not reached a level of being able to cry for someone else's pain, that they don't feel so deeply, it is.
People dont want the unpleasantness of being sad if they dont need to, but being happy is fun, so they'll do that.
Excellent topic to make a meaningful growth happen during Sefirah.

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Since honey is produced by bees, and bees are not a kosher species, how can honey be kosher?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Talmud (Bechoros 7b) asks your very question! The Talmud bases this question on the principle that “whatever comes from a non-kosher species is non-kosher, and that which comes from something kosher is kosher.”

So why is bee-honey kosher? Because even though bees bring the nectar into their bodies, the resultant honey is not a 'product' of their bodies. It is stored and broken down in their bodies, but not produced there. (see Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 81:8)

By the way, the Torah (in several places such as Exodus 13:5) praises the Land of Israel as "flowing with milk and honey." But it may surprise you to know that the honey mentioned in the verse is actually referring to date and fig honey (see Rashi there)!

In 1809, a group of 70 disciples of the great Lithuanian sage the Vilna Gaon, arrived in Israel, after traveling via Turkey by horse and wagon. The Vilna Gaon set out for the Holy Land in 1783, but for unknown reasons did not attain his goal. However he inspired his disciples to make the move, and they became pioneers of modern settlement in Israel. (A large contingent of chassidic Jews arrived in Tzfat around the same time.) The leader of the 1809 group, Rabbi Israel of Shklov, settled in Tzfat, and six years later moved to Jerusalem where he founded the modern Ashkenazic community. The early years were fraught with Arab attacks, earthquakes, and a cholera epidemic. Rabbi Israel authored, Pe'at Hashulchan, a digest of the Jewish agricultural laws relating to the Land of Israel. (He had to rewrite the book after the first manuscript was destroyed in a fire.) The location of his grave remained unknown until it was discovered in Tiberias, 125 years after his death. Today, the descendants of that original group are amongst the most prominent families in Jerusalem.

When you experience joy, you feel good because your magnificent brain produces hormones called endorphins. These self-produced chemicals give you happy and joyful feelings.

Research on these biochemicals has proven that the brain-produced hormones enter your blood stream even if you just act joyful, not only when you really are happy. Although the joyful experience is totally imaginary and you know that it didn’t actually happen, when you speak and act as if that imaginary experience did happen, you get a dose of endorphins.

These chemicals are naturally produced by your brain. They are totally free and entirely healthy.

Many people find that this knowledge inspires them to create more joyful moments. It’s not just an abstract idea, but a physical reality.

Occasionally, when I walk into an office, the receptionist greets me rudely. Granted, I came to see someone else, and a receptionist's disposition is immaterial to me. Yet, an unpleasant reception may cast a pall.

A smile costs nothing. Greeting someone with a smile even when one does not feel like smiling is not duplicity. It is simply providing a pleasant atmosphere, such as we might do with flowers or attractive pictures.

As a rule, "How are you?" is not a question to which we expect an answer. However, when someone with whom I have some kind of relationship poses this question, I may respond, "Not all that great. Would you like to listen?" We may then spend a few minutes, in which I unburden myself and invariably begin to feel better. This favor is usually reciprocated, and we are both thus beneficiaries of free psychotherapy.

This, too, complies with the Talmudic requirement to greet a person in a pleasant manner. An exchange of feelings that can alleviate someone's emotional stress is even more pleasant than an exchange of smiles.

It takes so little effort to be a real mentsch.

Today I shall...

try to greet everyone in a pleasant manner, and where appropriate offer a listening ear.

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