How Men Really Know They're in Love

I know when I'm in love because he's so cute, I feel like I'll throw up. But how do guys know when, how, and whether they even should say those three little words? Three guys in long-term relationships speak.

How long have you been with your girlfriend?Man A: A little over a year and a half.Man B: We've been together since the fall of 2011.Man C: Fiancée. Since March 2008.

When did you say "I love you?" How long had you been together?Man A: I'm gonna guess it had been about four months when I said "I love you." I had been contemplating when and how to say it. I called my brother and gave him this whole spiel of a plan — maybe I wait until her birthday or Valentine's Day or something — and he just said, "Man, if you want to tell her, tell her. It'll be more romantic if you just blurt it out." So blurt I did.Man B: We said "I love you" on Valentine's Day 2012, so we had been together for about five months at the time.Man C: After a couple months of dating. I don't remember the precise date.

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How long had you known you loved her before you said it?Man A: A while. Almost the entire time, I guess. Before I even asked her out, I thought, "I could see myself marrying this girl." I still do.Man B: It's hard to answer that question because from the first time we hung out, our relationship always felt perfect and progressed so naturally that there was never one specific time when I thought, I think I love this girl. I think it would be more accurate for me to say there was never a time that I didn't love her. But I can say that the first time I went to her apartment and saw her collection of Seinfeld DVDs in her bedroom, I knew she could be "the one."Man C: Not that long. It wasn't something I had to think about. I could tell she was special, but it was clear that there was something unsaid between us, and this was it.

Were you afraid? Why?Man A: I wasn't. And I'm not sure why I wasn't. I was nervous. I felt bashful. But I wasn't scared. Probably because I thought, on some level, she felt the same. Just a vibe.Man B: I definitely wasn't afraid. In previous relationships I may have been hesitant or concerned about different things, but with her, I was always so comfortable and everything just felt right, that I knew I had nothing to be afraid of.Man C: Totally. I thought I was much more into her than she was into me, and she's very intense. I worried that it was too soon. But it wasn't!

Did you really mean it that first time?Man A: Absolutely.Man B: Yes, I definitely wouldn't tell someone that I loved them if I didn't believe it was true because that only ends up hurting them more.Man C: Absolutely!

Who said it first?Man A: Me. We were standing in front of her desk in her apartment. She hugged me. I love hugging her. She's very soft and tiny and fits in my arms quite well. I think I said something like, "So ... I ... uh ... I have this thing I wanna ..." and eventually it came out. I just remembered, I said it accidentally a month before that. She said something funny in bed, and I laughed and said, "I fuckin' love you." Then immediately said, "Oops. I didn't say that." It worked out OK.Man B: I believe that I said the words "I love you" first, but she had actually gotten me a gift for Valentine's Day that was all about us being in love. So she took a leap by doing that (without me knowing, obviously) before we actually said the words. She was definitely relieved that I told her that before she handed over the gift, that's for sure!Man C: I did.

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Did that have any impact on your relationship?Man A: Nope. I mean, it felt good. It felt right. But we just went back to business as usual.Man B: I can't remember any major impact from just saying "I love you," but I'm sure at the time it felt significant. Our relationship always felt so right that, to me, saying the words was just a formality, I guess.Man C: I think it made it very clear that this was an extraordinarily special relationship.

Did the other person say it back right away or did it take time?Man A: Yeah, she said it back right away. She was cute about it. I think she knew I had wanted to say it for a while and she did too.Man B: When we first said it to each other, there was no hesitation.Man C: She said it back, but not immediately. It was a minute or so, and we had a bit of a talk first. Frankly, it was emotional and a bit hard to remember, since it was at night and a long time ago now!

How did you know you were in love with her?Man A: Good question. It came fast, in stages. (That's what she said.) We met the first week of grad school, when we were assigned to write a song together. I remember, in the practice room that first day, she simply said something in a funny voice. It made me laugh. It was just this weird voice. And she has a million weird voices and accents and noises. It's great. It's one of the things I most love about her. So, the first time she spoke in a funny voice was a big one. The other moment was when someone posted a picture of us on Instagram. I remember sitting on my bed in my apartment and looking at this picture of this girl and I laughing. And I thought to myself, "I'm gonna marry this girl." I could be wrong, but I don't think I am.Man B: I knew that I was in love with her because, from day one I, always felt 100 percent comfortable with everything we did and being in any situation together. I had no reservations at all about what we were getting into, and I felt a different kind of freedom internally because of that.Man C: I could tell she was special, and I felt emotionally attached to her in a way that I certainly didn't always feel with my girlfriends. Frankly, I think the lyrics in Hedwig and the Angry Inch's "The Origins of Love" are pretty darn good, even if one has to go to music lyrics!

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How do you define being in love?Man A: When 90 percent of the time, you would rather be with that person than be alone. You'd rather read a book in the same room with that person than by yourself. Being with them makes things better, or at the very least, interesting. Wanting some Me Time every now and then is normal, healthy. I'm not a psycho. But being with her makes my life better. It makes me better. And it makes her better. I can feel it.Man C: Well, I think the simplest definition is understanding that there is someone else who you always have to think of. Most of the time, I absolutely want to be thinking of her, but even if I don't want to, for some reason, I have to!

Had you ever said "I love you" to a romantic partner before?Man A: I've said the words, but not to a romantic partner. To a friend who was 1,000 percent uninterested. I was also high as fuck at the time. I don't recommend anything about that strategy.Man B: Yes, I said I love you to a few previous girlfriends. I always meant it at the time, but it was a different kind of love than what we have now. In hindsight, it's easy to see that, but whenever you feel in love it's hard to put yourself in perspective.Man C: Yes, to two others.

Were you in love with them the same way?Man A: No way. Totally different. I was "in love" with [the friend] because we liked the same shit. The same books, movies, TV shows, etc. The older you get, the more you realize that shit doesn't matter. I mean, it's nice and fun and cool to like some of the same shit, but it's equally fun to like totally different shit and get to argue and analyze and explain and discover things together. I know what it's like now to date someone with the same tastes in everything as you. It's not great. You end up chain-smoking in bed watching Friday Night Lights. For months.Man B: With a couple, I knew it wasn't "forever" love, but with the other couple I thought it had potential. I didn't feel like it was definitely that eternal kind of love you find in a life partner, but I thought that it had potential to develop into that. Luckily, it didn't, because I couldn't imagine a better life partner than my fiancée.Man C: One I absolutely wasn't. I thought I was, but that was an unfortunate relationship and I wanted out but she had her claws in me too deeply. The other one I absolutely was in love with, but I think we both knew it wouldn't work out since we were too different in a lot of ways. And yes, it felt very similar.

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How is the woman you're now with different than past relationships/loves?Man A: She's way more aggressively Type A than any of my past girlfriends. She is unplagued by self-doubt. She is sharp. She is quick. She is strong. I like that.Man B: I think with her, we're just a perfect fit together with all aspects of our lives. We are (almost always) in sync with each other and our attitudes and approach to life always go well together. There's not a lot of friction with anything we do. Most importantly, when there is, we're able to communicate with each other about what's going on and how we feel, and we have the respect for each other to move past those obstacles and understand that not everything will always be perfect, and that's OK.Man C: She is easily the smartest person I've ever been with, and we share so many interests and activities. Her sister once jokingly described us as "not similar, just redundant." That was acerbic, but gets, I think, to the core of how right for each other we are. We certainly don't agree on everything and have our differences and arguments like anyone, but we don't just care for each other, we support each other and make each other better in a ton of ways. I have fun with her every day!

Can you see yourself with this woman forever?Man A: Shit, yeah.Man B: I dream about it every day.Man C: Absolutely. I should hope so, considering the upcoming wedding thing.