Last year, I was down in a metaphorical hole. It had been a really rough year and a half leading up to things. I had lost my job of nine years, so we then lost our house. We moved in with my in-laws and watched a family member get horribly sick. During this time, I changed my job twice…. blah, blah, blah. I was exhausted. When we finally moved out on our own again, I felt the dust start to settle. What I hadn’t expected was the incredible storm that had been brewing deep down inside of me. While I tried to hold everything together for everyone else during all these transitions, I had forgotten to hold myself together. Last autumn, I could hardly eat, I was having anxiety attacks, my marriage was slipping, I really didn’t like my job, and I was totally lost. Call it a midlife crisis, a freakout, who knows. What I did know is that I felt stuck. It was like the movie Groundhog Day. I wanted change, but the days just kept repeating themselves…over and over and over again.

As I talking with a friend, she looked me square in the eyes and said, “So if you hate your job so much, why don’t you quit”?

Um, what?

How could I quit my job?

Wouldn’t that be totally irresponsible?

Would we starve?

How would we pay the bills….

But the seed had been planted. I went home and started a spreadsheet. I figured out how much we spent on daycare for the two kids, how much we spend on groceries: was there anywhere we could cut corners? What could I do to help make money, but still be at home? I had the answer, but I was scared to death of giving myself the permission to move forward.

What if I failed? What if I am not good enough?

But I made the leap. I quit my job. We took the kids out of daycare and I became a stay-at-home-mom. And I realized how much I didn’t know about my own kids. I realized that we had to stay busy, we had to laugh and giggle and play. It’s been a wild ride these past nine months. Money has been tight. But, I have gotten paid in other ways. I have time to take the kids to the Discovery Museum midweek or down to the Truckee River to explore. I get to volunteer in my son’s classroom. Do I have my moments? Yup, I sometimes lock myself in the bathroom for a time-out. It’s sink or swim, this mamahood thing.

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” ― Ayn Rand

What else has happened since I gave myself permission? I have begun to ask and give permission in other places, too. I have approached people about projects and ideas. I have pushed my creative self into a place that I never thought was accessible. Because when I am not doing the awesome stuff I listed above with the kids, I am finding windows of time to create my new career. I will always be a geographer, but what I have always wanted to be was a photographer. I used to say, I like to take photos. Now, I can walk in a room and say, “Hi, I am the photographer, where do you need me to start?” The less I am afraid to hear “no” as an answer, the more often I hear “yes.”

Oh, and that deep dark place that I was in last year? I have slowly and steadily been able to pull my way out and find the light again. Good thing, since that’s a pretty important thing to be able to find when you’re in this line of work.

Related

About Vanessa Simpson

Vanessa Simpson A chaser of light and a catcher of moments. She has a Bachelor of Science degree in Geography from the University of Nevada, Reno, however, after working for over ten years as a map maker, she said goodbye to the 40 hour work week, and said hello to the 168 hour work week, aka motherhood. Vanessa also runs her own business as a professional photographer.

Reno Moms Blog is a community blog run by moms who live right here in the Biggest Little City and surrounding areas. We share information about what's going on in Reno and events that local moms may be interested in.