Monday, October 11, 2010

True Story Tuesday - Corporal Punishment

My favorite part of Tuesday is that it's not Monday anymore is reading all of your True Story Tuesday posts!

If you've got an amazing/hilarious/miraculous/outrageous and (mostly) true tale, just copy the button into your post (the HTML code is below the button on the right sidebar), and come back to link it up for some comment love! We'll be around to share in your family legends!

This week brought to you by the class clown, Mr. Daddy:

~

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT

(Rach in: You already know it's got to be good :)

This particular incident happened in a time long ago and far, far away....

As the story unfolds, there were three of us, not the usual troublemakers, just the class cut ups.

(Rach in: Sorry, I can't help it. Not the usual troublemakers??? Riiiight...)

Some how we had contrived to get out of class at the same time to go to the bathroom. I don't recall the original intent of our meeting up was all about, as it is a gray hazy memory in the dusty halls of my mind.

What did take place is deeply entrenched, with pain seared detail...

As fate would have it, we met in the hall just outside of the bathroom which just so happened to be right across the hall from the Assistant Principal's classroom. His name, if memory serves was Mr. Frisby. Now I am sure that you all will agree with me that nothing good could come from a guy with a name like that... Cause I am certain sure that if he would have been the inventor of that little plastic contraption that is so popular at the park, he would not have been the A.P. of a grade school in podunk rural America....

Just saying....

Now you must keep in mind I claimed to be class cut up, not anywhere even close to intellectual status, as you will see.

As we met up and proceeded into the head, the lead idiot cut up smacked the metal L-shaped partition that shields from the public view the mysterious happenings that transpire in a public grade school restroom. As I stated earlier we were cut ups not intellectuals, of course the next idiot cut up smacked it, and I being the third stooge, smacked away as well....

As we lined up at the communal trough to do our business, we hear the deep bass voice of the A.P. So you boys think you're pretty funny???

Now imagine if you will three timid 5th grade boys answering in timid unison. NO SIR!!!!

Which one of you gentlemen hit the partition????

We all look at each other, then back at him. All 6' 5" two hundred and fifty pounds of him, and no one says a word.

Now in my defense it is pretty hard to make a dignified response when you are standing at the communal trough with your jonhson in your hand. As my mind whirled with possible responses, I could tell by the folded arms and tapping toe of that A.P. behemoth that time was definitely not on my side.

(Did I mention that said behemoth had a reputation and a hand crafted *club* paddle, that was a dead ringer for a cricket bat, only with holes drilled in it....)

WELL????? he said.

Talk about pressure!!!!!

I just didn't have enough life experience to come up with anything that fast...

(Rach in: LAUGHING OUT LOUD)

I croaked out... I did sir. as did one other of the stooges. The other totally wussed out..

Not me sir.... (can you say Eddie Haskel of Leave it to Beaver fame)

When you are finished I want you two in my room....You get back to class

Now I have to say that right there my opinion of higher math and his ability to teach it, went out the window. Didn't I state that there were three smacks on that partition, and weren't there three culprits all with their johnsons in hand when he walked in? I was in total shock that he had landed the A.P.'s job with such a lack of cognitive reasoning powers.

All of this was of no consolation, for the dry mouth, and sick feeling that was growing in the pit of my stomach....

Have you ever prayed that a certain part of your anatomy would be blessed by the almighty creator? At that moment I was yearning for my bladder to be full and overflowing with butt saving life giving blessings!

WELL.. let me tell you I WAS PRAYING!!!!!

Let me also tell you. IT DID NOT WORK!!!

As time trickled out in the form of an empty bladder, and I dutifully put willy away, my life was playing out before my very eyes. Coalescing to a pinpoint in time of embarrassment and pain...
And my only thought was, (BOY, AM I GONNA GET IT WHEN I GET HOME)....

As I and my *co-idiot* cut-up, slunk into his class, and thirty pairs of eyes lifted from text books to watch the drama unfold, I became a staunch advocate of smaller class sizes, and to this day I firmly hold to that belief, although maybe not for the right reasons....

I watched as he lovingly picked up his club paddle, and as he cooed at it and stroked it and whispered "my precious" I knew in that moment the world that I knew was about to be horribly altered....

As I turn woodenly to comply, I cry out one last time in desperation, God if you can't see fit to help me, Please "O" Please break his club paddle, or at the least strike him dead.

IT DIDN'T WORK THIS TIME EITHER!!!!

But that's ok... Me and God got it all worked out now, as for the A.P. if I ever see his punk A@@ I'm gonna kick it really good....Just saying....Of course if he is even still alive he is probably in a wheel chair, in a rest home some where...

wouldn't be any worse than him picking on a fifth grader now would it????

(Rach in: Oh Lord, I can just see the small-town blanket party already)

I assumed the position, and he took up his stance like mighty Casey coming to bat, thirty sets of eyes riveted to the scene.

The club paddle came whistling down, and as that board of education was applied to the seat of my understanding, the wisdom of the ages whispered in my mind.

CRAP THAT HURT!!!!!

As my skinny butt hurtled past my shoulders, I could only think of two things....

Ya got two more whacks coming, and never let them see you cry.....

As it was my skinny A@@ was so numb from the first one, the other two were a piece of cake. I stood and turned (albeit slowly) and faced the class, making sure to make contact with every one of them that would meet my eye. I met the A.P.'s eyes and calmly with dignity asked,( and I'm pretty sure it was only because I didn't have my Johnson in my hand) will that be all sir????

Now there might have been some mysterious moisture at the corner of my eye at that time, but at no time was there any serious leakage....

Just saying:

when I got out of hearing range, if memory serves correctly I might have sniveled.

a little....

Just saying:

But Mom and Dad never heard about this till years later.....cause it was the law at my house that what ever went down at school ya got twice as bad at home....

(Rach in: Duuuude... try having your MOM work AT the school. I didn't stand a chance).

Cause ya know that it hurt them worse than it hurt you......RIGHT!!!

right.........

and we wouldn't want that to happen,,,,, now would we....

Just saying....

~

This jog any crazy schoolyear memories? Any tales of revenge? Any Princess Bride quotes (oh come on, you saw that coming :)

Hmm...you were in school when they still used corporal punishment? Was it a one-room school? Did you have a marm? And a wood stove? Just how old are you man?

But, seriously, that's where being cute and female came in handy. Never got in that much trouble at school. Just had to bat the eyes and tell the principal that "those boys needed beaten up". Never had a problem.

I was in first grade when teachers were still allowed to "hit" kids. I remember, Doug, (who moved to Hawaii after first grade) being picked up by my mean teacher. She took him to the front of the class and swatted him (with her hand) on his butt. The memory is very clear in my mind!!

That must have been way back in the good old days... in front of the class???!!! I think paddling was allowed until I was in about 7th grade (I only know this b/c DB got paddled many-a-time and he told me about it), but they paddled in the privacy of the school office. Boy, wouldn't that fix the hardcore bullies and such... paddle 'em right in front of the class!

Cracking Up over here!!! I totally remember kids getting spanked with I was in elementary school....including my older brother. I must say...it definitely "instilled" a fear of the principal into our tiny little beings! I was terrified of him.

Oh this post hurts me. Seriously. I have been there. Maybe not for the same reasons but I have had that same paddle I know. In the second grade to be exact. My Mom ran the cafeteria at the school I went to also so she had a say in it. She said I needed it and trust me I did. I always did lol. I told the boy sitting next to me if he kept bothering me and touching me I was going to stab him with my pencil. I am a literal gal. He continued and I went and politely sharpened my pencil and came back and jabbed him in the arm with it. Well, I told him!!! So I got 5 licks with a holey paddle myself. Not so much fun but I didn't do it again. Hmmm, maybe they were onto something back then haha. At least kids weren't shooting each other. I know your pain though and want you to know you are not alone.

They still use corporal punishment in various counties in Alabama.....Parents cannot opt out either. They don't give three swats either. You got lucky. Son was regularly swatted by Principal a dozen times at any given incident. He finally figured it out......

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