Fail – Russian Machine Never Breakshttp://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com
We're the relentlessly fun Washington Capitals blog hopelessly devoted to Alex Ovechkin, Dmitry Orlov, and Evgeny Kuznetsov!Sat, 10 Dec 2016 02:57:18 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.7Instead of a goal, Tom Wilson scores himselfhttp://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2016/10/15/instead-of-a-goal-tom-wilson-scores-himself/
http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2016/10/15/instead-of-a-goal-tom-wilson-scores-himself/#commentsSun, 16 Oct 2016 01:35:43 +0000http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/?p=114767In a world where Alex Ovechkin doesn’t score but Daniel Winnik flirts with the hat trick, anything is possible. And for a fleeting moment in the third period, the realm of possibility included a beautiful skill goal set up by Jay Beagle and finished by Tom Wilson.

But the moment passed, as if the fates themselves decreed, “Uh, hell no. I mean, it’s Beagle and Wilson. Get real.” So instead of a highlight-reel goal to be played on loop for the next week, Tom Wilson crashed into the net like a bag of laundry shot out of a cannon.

Video

The pass by Jay Beagle is beyond reproach. It’s a work of art. It’s a Rembrandt. It’s Gears of War 4.

And then there goes Tom Wilson spoiling the finish. It appears a hustling John Tavares deflects the puck away right at the last moment.

But if there was one decision that was more bizarre than the rest: pairing Alex Ovechkin— this generation’s greatest goal scorer– with Jay Beagle and AHL journeyman Joey Crabb on the first line.

For more evidence of why it was such an awful decision, I direct you to an Instagram video from Paul Bissonnette.

Let me set the scene for you. Crabb, now with the AHL’s Hartford Wolf Pack, readies himself for a shootout attempt against goalie Patrik Bartosak. The Manchester Monarchs goaltender, who is looking down at the ice, does not hear the whistle blow. Crabb skates in with an opportunity to score the easiest goal of his career.

On Thursday, Vrana, playing with the Czech Republic as part of the National Junior Team Summer Development Camp, tried again to get super creative against Canada. After taking a pass behind the net, Vrana attempted to scoop the puck up with his stick blade and score like a lacrosse player.

While his attempt went nowhere, Vrana clearly has a flair and confidence that most 18-year-old prospects lack. It should be interesting to see how he integrates his supreme stickhandling into SHL games with Linköping next season.

Meanwhile, Vrana did actually score a powerplay goal on Tuesday against Canada off a poor-angled shot on the rush.

[Warning: The commentator’s a screamer. Make sure to have the volume low.]

Team Switzerland had a porous performance at the World Championship. Led by Roman Josi and Damien Brunner, the Swiss failed to qualify for the playoffs, finishing fifth in Group B due to Mikhail Grabovski’s game-winner for Belarus. Eliminated before the end of the preliminary round, the Swiss played spoiler for Latvia, who needed a win to make the quarterfinals.

Late in the third period, Latvia trailed 3-1. After pulling goalie Kristers Gudlevskis, the Latvians got a goal back from Zemgus Girgensons on a deflection. Soon after, Kaspars Daugavins turned the puck over, giving the Swiss a chance to seal the deal. Reto Suri and Thomas Rufenacht went two-on-none towards an empty net.

And then they blew it.

Suri made a bad pass, forcing Rufenacht to reach for the puck. Rufenacht lost his edge and crashed into the net. The puck went off the post. Regardless, the Swiss hung on to win, making the fail slightly less epic.

Former Capital Semyon Varlamov had an incredible year for the Colorado Avalanche, taking the Avs from last to first in the standings. He is likely to win the Vezina Trophy in June as the league’s best goaltender.

Unfortunately for Varly, this season — like many in the past — ends with a bitter taste in his mouth. Semyon Varlamov played in another game seven, and Semyon Varlamov in game sevens is not very good.

Coming into Saturday’s game against the Montreal Canadiens, the Washington Capitals had lost seven straight games. Thankfully, the Habs made the Caps look like the hockey Harlem Globetrotters. The Canadiens allowed Washington to score four goals in the second period. After that fourth goal, the Caps had more tallies than the Habs had shots on net.

Understandbly frustrated, the Candiens’ Brendan Gallagher tried to break his stick at the end of the second stanza. He failed at that too.

The Pittsburgh Penguins entered the 2013 playoffs as the best team in the East. Hands down. They led the league in goals despite losing ever-vainglorious Sidney Crosby to plastic surgery mid-season. It seemed like a trip to the Stanley Cup Finals would be a cakewalk, even moreso once The Kid returned.

But now, against the Bruins in the Eastern Conference Finals, hockey’s golden goose Sidney Crosby has been diagnosed with a virulent case of the Fleuries. Crosby had a bevy of boondoggles in game one, which I’ll document below, including a Sean Avery-esque shove of Tuukka Rask at the end of the second period that in a just world would have resulted in a They Live-style brawl. Then, in game two, on his first shift, Crosby served up a tasty turnover that led to Boston’s first goal. That set the tone for the game, which was the most deliciously pathetic thing we’ve had the privilege to watch in a long time. The Bruins lead the series 2-0, and the Pens — well, they’re in trouble, dude.

Listen. I’ve been taunted by Penguins fans all my life. This is overdue.

Skating is Hard

I can’t be too critical here. At the free skate before the last RMNB party, I was almost this bad. Almost. (GIF by garageleague)

Hip-Check Fail

Technically, this was actually a butt check. Comically, this was actually awesome. (GIF by garageleague)