Clinton Claims Executive Prissiness
President Clinton, asserting executive prissiness, refused a Congressional demand, Thursday, to come on over to the House and squash a huge DC cockroach that was crawling across the floor, with his prissy presidential boot heel or by dropping a copy of the DC yellow pages on it then coming back and scraping it up in a week or two, when he's drunk enough.

US Imposes Ergonomic Sanctions on Korea
Saying they were all gonna have to go sit in those goofy leftover '80s "ergonomic" chairs if they didn't stop lobbing nuclear warheads around, the US Department of Ergonomic Chairs, today....

MTV Congress Replaces Lame Old "Holidays" With Cool New Holidaaaayyyze!!!
The US's cool new MTV Congress, today, passed legislation which would eliminate all those dumb old boring holidays named after dead presidents, the outcomes of ancient wars, and religious has-beens -- replacing them with lots of cool new holidaaayyyyze named after real events that real people actually care about.

Speaker of the House Gwyneth Paltrow released the following copy of what the month of June would look like once the new holidaaaayyyyze were installed.

The Primates Party is apparently about to merge with the Robots Party to form the Robots and Primates Party. Apparently their motto will be: "Hey Humans, we got you surrounded!"