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On today's "Ask Sadie" Radio Hour, we'll talk about the elephant in the room: Hillary Clinton's age. And Bernie's too. Forget all this PC nonsense, I'll just come right out and say it: Their age disqualifies them. These children don't know anything about life. I bet they haven't even gotten their first hip replacement yet. Nice to know we'll always be young to somebody. Earth is young to her.

Did you see the "Star Wars" trailer? O … M … G!!! I'm avoiding it like the plague, little buddy. I saw the prequels. I won't get fooled again. You don't know what you're missing! This trailer is like fifty times more exciting and satisfying than all three prequels combined! In fact, I've just posted my own cut of the movie on YouTube. I just copied and pasted the trailer 90 times in Final Cut, so it repeats for two hours. It's already got 7 million views. George Lucas must need a hug right now.

I was supposed to give a speech in Omaha. I spent months perfecting my Powerpoint. Dr. Noodle. When I got there, there was no monitor. No projector. Nothing. But that's ok, that's happened before. I asked if they had an easel and paper so I could draw charts on the fly. They gave me an 8.5"x11" notepad. 800 people in a huge room can't see anything on an 8.5"x11" notepad. I said "That's ok. I've got some funny stories." But when I got on stage, there was no microphone. Stories aren't usually funny when you yell them. Is that when you knocked over the podium, got arrested, and they put you on 72-hour psych hold? No. That's when they served cake, and I thought "I have to compete with cake? Nobody can compete with cake."

Adult size Halloween Costumes. Ernie, these costumes you're selling are shoddy and some are even dangerous! The "fireman" costumes in literal. It's flammable! The tail on the bumble bee costume is toxic! People bumping into it will suffer a painful, burning sensation! That's why my ad says "You'll be mistaken for a giant bee"! The stitching on this one will completely fall apart in a few hours! It says "Feel like Cinderella, but be home before midnight!" And this is labeled as a zombie costume, but it won't make anybody look like a walking dead person! I know, that's way my ad says "You'll be the life of the party!".

Piro! What are you doing in my room? I was crashing' in my buddy's room, but he has a girl over, so ... It's after 10! Dorm rule 17B: No visitors after 10! Ok. I'll go hang somewhere. Sigh. Ok, look. You can stay for half and hour. Then you must leave. I'm setting my timer. 30 minutes bends the rule, 31 breaks it?

I've lost faith in everything, Randy. I feel like a tiny raft drifting in a stormy sea. There is no up. There is no down. The entire foundation of the world is made of flimsy tissue paper. Maybe the Buddhists are right. Maybe nothing is really real at all. Facebook going down for a few hours last week isn't that big a deal, little buddy. Yes, it really is.

It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. "Fed up in Flint," you're on. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?! House of Java.net Cybercafe. I bought a dirt-cheap house in Flint, hoping to rent it out. I had it renovated, and then the day before our open-house, someone broke in and stole all our plumbing. So what?! In my day, nobody had plumbing! We did our business in a ditch down by the river and we were glad about it! List it as "vintage Americana" and quit yer complainin'! But they took the roof, too. In my day, a roof was a luxury.

"Ask Sadie Advice Hour," what's your problem?! Kanye West said he's running for president in 2020, and I don't know whether to weep or move to Canada. Canada Canada Canada! Everybody always wants to move to Canada whenever they think the USA has taken a turn for the worse! None of you lily-livered quitters could stand a single Canadian winter, let alone stare down a moose at six paces. You want Canada? You can't handle Canada! How tall is a moose?

Hello and welcome to the news. I'm Trish Tringle...I Witness News. In playground news today, a large crowd turned out for hours of noisy chaos with no apparent purpose. One old-timer who attended was overcome but the noise and sheer frenzy of it all…He's listed in stable condition, but we're probably having tv dinners tonight.

Whachoo wanna watch, Big L? Anything but Sesame Street. My don't crazy about it. Sometimes he says "watch Elmo" over and over again for hours until I finally give in and turn it on. If I hear "La la la la la … La la la la … Elmo's world" one more time, I just might throw the tv into the East River. Parent be trippin'. Elmo should be considered a class 2 drug.

Boss, the customers are asking what happened to the stools. What do they mean? The round seat parts are gone. They're just poles sticking out of the floor now. The biggest problem a café owner faces is low turnover. People buy one drink and sit for hours, hogging all the seats. I've solved that problem. Where are all you people going? Man up!

Did you hear, Clyde? It's looking more and more like the EM drive may actually work! It could get from earth to the moon in four hours. It could reach Mars in 70 days. It could reach the nearest star in just 100 years! Don't you see? This is the "impulse drive" from Star Trek! This is the "Epstein drive" from The Expanse, only it's real! It could be the most important development in human history. Yet everyone's still talking about Donald Trump. When you talk geek, it make me physically ill, bruh.

"Ask Sadie Advice Hour," what's your question? I'm seeing two men. One's poor but I'm crazy about him. The other feels more like a friend but he's filthy rich. If I could somehow combine the two of them into one man, he's be the perfect man for me. But I can't, so which one should I keep? Grandma Cohen once told me, "If you've got two suitors you wish you could combine into one, that means neither is right for you." But Grandma Cohen never lived to see the wondrous advances in black-market surgery we enjoy today.