THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Two elderly ladies are sitting and enjoying a cigarette and a drink on a bench outside the retirement home when it starts to rain.One of them pulls out a condom and pulls it around the cigarette and continues to smoke.

Maude: - What?s that??Erna: - It?s a condom, this way the cigarette doesn?t get wet.

Maude: - Where did you get it from?Erna: - Well, you can buy them almost everywhere.The next day Maude parks her rollator outside the Pharmacy and she goes in and asks for a pack of condoms.

The pharmacist gives her a strange look and wonders what a lady of 81 years will use a condom for, so he asks her:- What brand would you like? Maude: - It doesn?t matter, as long as they fit a Camel.