Making it through motherhoodhood with the grace of a camel on ice skates

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Pregnancy has turned me into a 9-year-old

Supposedly every pregnancy is different with what you crave, how you feel, and what you do, but I would like to go on record as saying that this pregnancy has officially turned my appetite back into my 9-year-old self.

These are the types of things nobody tells you about. Sure, people spout the whole “pickles and ice cream” and think it’s adorable, but when you get into the actual details of what you crave people look at you with disgust.

Here, so far, is my list of cravings.

1. Funfetti Cake

There is not enough Pillsbury Funfetti Cake on God’s green earth to satisfy me. I don’t want homemade cake. I don’t want chocolate cake. I want Funfetti Cake out of the box with the “premiere” frosting with the sprinkles on it. Try and make a replica and I’ll know it.

I will eat an entire sheet cake’s worth of this crap, and have started to come to terms with it, especially since I have a hunch that most people actually really like the taste of Funfetti cake, they just are too ashamed to admit it. Well here I am, ready and willing to finally say: yes, I’ll have 5 more slices. For lunch. Thanks.

Call it pregnancy brain, call it “grew up in the 90s”, call it plain old gullible…but after I saw the newest Kraft Macaroni & Cheese ad featuring Vanilla Ice bringing back “Go Ninja, go ninja, go!” there was nothing else in the universe I could think of. I literally went out at the next opportunity that very day and made some.

My husband gave me a B+ for coming home with Raphael despite my insistence that it was all they had at the store. He didn’t believe me. Life lesson, husband: you can’t always get Michaelangelo. Learn to deal with disappointment. At the end of the day you (hypothetically, since I keep eating all the mac & cheese) still have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Kraft Mac & Cheese in your bowl. Learn to take the joys in life.

If you haven’t seen the commercial yet and are ready to experience a full-on 90s kid explosion to your brain, I suggest you watch it immediately.

3. Orange Juice

I think I might be keeping Tropicana in business with the amount of orange juice I have been consuming lately. Fun fact: I grew up in the town where Tropicana is made (Bradenton, FL, FOR THE WIN), and drinking orange juice was as much a part of my childhood as watching TGIF on Friday nights.

Please note: for me, the only acceptable brand of orange juice is Tropicana. If you try to hand me a from-concentrate orange juice I will throw that heresy back in your face. I have, in the spirit of compromise to my husband, agreed to try and get “some pulp” (aka, Homestyle), but personally my preference is for the “lots of pulp” (Grovestand) iteration. Apparently, I like my orange juice chewable. However, I drink the orange juice so fast that I’ve slipped in a few Grovestand bottles and the husband is none the wiser.

4. Wendy’s Frosties

I still refuse to believe these aren’t delicious in real non-pregnancy life. It’s just that people are ashamed to admit it, much like the Funfetti cake that also helped comprise my childhood.

I had no idea until this pregnancy that Frosties even were available in a vanilla flavor. To me, here is how you order a Wendy’s Frosty:

Me: “One Wendy’s Frosty, please.”
Order-Taker: “Next window, please.”

But apparently now there are sizes to choose from. And flavors. This is all confusing and unacceptable. Wendy’s Frosties are a thing of simplicity, and that simplicity is the only thing I’ve ever wanted RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.

Like I said, my tastes this pregnancy don’t even break middle school, but at this point, I’ll sit down with a big ole bowl of Raphael Mac & Cheese and Funfetti Cake. Game of Thrones is back on. Judge me if you want, but my dinner is delicious.