I offered to mud wrestle Matthew Inman for charity, and so I could reclaim my rapeutation, and he punked out like the little cross dresser he is. So now I am challenging the rest of the Illuminati conspiracy including all journalist that have wrote an article about me to wrestling matches. Winner takes all dinosaurs. I’ve been practicing in the mud pit in my backyard and I can safely say that I am the best thing to happen to mud wrestling since women. Like when I get up on the ropes I soar like a mighty eagle and crash down like a passed out brontosaurus.

I ave had it up to hear with all these attacks on me like the DOS Attack on my SNES web server. If you people think you are so high and mighty, get in the ring with this wrestling conquistador. I’ll give you one last chance to surrender your dinosaurs and cease using my name in print, media, or verbally, before CARREONMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU, BROTHER!

Just because Stevie boy didn’t consider himself an internet expert after 6 years of working with DMCA complaints and internet copyright didn’t mean I couldn’t call myself an expert after 1 year. He’s just less ambitious than I. It all falls back to my basic, unwavering, point. I am right, you are wrong. I can practice law without a license in Canada because I am right. You can’t give me advice while I’m in Canada because then you’re practicing law through me. See. Makes perfect sense. I just thought I’d bring this up now because people have been talking about my unjust suspension from the Oregon and California bars and because I wanted everyone to see how big a jerk Stevie is. Also I never let anything go. Never. If you have ever wronged me, you better have dinosaurs ready to send my way because I will sue anyone, anywhere, anytime and I’ll try to run up the bill as well. So if you’re reading this Stevie, I’m coming for you unless:

1.You send a picture of me smiling to Ralph Nader.

2.You hand over all dinosaurs under your control.

3.You send a picture of yourself for Tara’s art.

4.You point all domains you own to this blog.

I hope this settles everything for anyone. To the commenters on this blog, don’t think I forgot about you. Stop your vicious hacking attempts or else.

I tried to sue the Oregon Bar? It almost happened. Then some Nazi conspirator decided she’d go and shoot me down. Telling me that I am misinterpreting the facts and not knowing my legal apple from the my legal orange. One is orange and one is red, well sometimes pink, or green, or yellow, or… oh never mind.

I bet she’s a friend of Matthew Inman too. It’s all part of an Oatmeal conspiracy that goes even into the past! That’s right Paul Levy, Matthew Inman, Adam Steinbaugh, Nicholas Weaver, Will Ross and Christopher must have figured a way to go into the pass and commit rapeutation! Those evil Illuminati bastards. How the hell did they develop time travel before I was able to clone dinosaurs? Now they can go back in time and retrieve actual dinosaurs… oh my god… the Illuminati could go back in time and stop me from being born! THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE MYSELF IS TO WRAP MY WHOLE BODY IN TIN FOIL!! My god. They all must be sued. Along with the above mention persons, I will sue Does 1-1000, Ann Bransom (who has never produced dinosaurs for me), ArsTechnica, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Billy Crystal, Anderson Cooper, and Queen Latifah. This is no longer a fight for the present or the future, but for history itself!

So I went to great lengths to create a wikipedia article that read like a resumé. I used the LLC of a porn actress that I registered a trademark for. See who edited my first wikipedia page and her wikipedia page? Want proof? Here you go. So I develop this devious plan to make us look like Gods of the Internets and then wikipedia bans our account? Mafia conspirators. They probably are part of the Oatmeal Time Travel Conspiracy, or OTTC as I like to call it.

This is preposterous. I made my own wikipedia page to look good on the internet. Then these wikipedia people take part in rapeutation. Don’t they understand that free speech is only speech that makes me look good? How is a White Hat Internet Lawyer supposed to look good without creating his own wikipedia page? I mean other than taking more than one notable case ever, a case I kind of got kicked off of… This is blatant DIRA. I bet wikipedia took part in the DOS attacks on my site too. Those evil bastards. I wonder who’s in charge of wikipedia? How do you find out that sort of information? Maybe I’ll sue them to find out and gain dinosaur cloning technology.

See this is how I know Christopher had to use his work computer to blog about me, because I used my work laptop for personal reasons and everyone does what I do. Not only did I use my work laptop for personal emailing, I took it, didn’t want to give it back, and allowed other persons to use it. So the proof is pretty solid. The only way anyone can do anything is to use their work computer duh. It’s just good logic. It’s the scientific process, you start with a conclusion based on your own past experiences, and you say anything to convince anyone it’s true. Just like “water evaporating,” I mean who comes up with that stuff. Water is a liquid, not a gas. Everyone knows that. That’d be like saying water could become a solid. Crazy talk.

The real reason I couldn’t return the laptop and tried to haggle for it, is because I had semi-working schematics of a dinosaur cloning device. You don’t just give Canadians the ability to clone dinosaurs, that’d be treason or something. Unfortunately we could not get the cloning device to work because when I scanned the crayon drawings, the wax melted some and we lost a few computations. It was a disappointing time in my life. I had the amber locked mosquito and everything, which I later ate when I had the munchies one late night…

I am back in my undisclosed mud cave impenetrable underground lair. The Illuminati are every where now and I’ve had to go black from the last several hours. Only now as Tara pedals our old exercise bike for our generator can I boot up the old Tandy 1000. It’s been a hectic 24 hours and I am unconvinced that the CIA doesn’t know what I am up to. We have began to build our dinosaur cloning device. I am short some materials so I will list them below, encase you can help supply them. Items crossed out are already ready to go.

1.15 empty peanut butter jars, preferably Skippy brand.

2.3000 yards of aluminum foil.

3.3 sporks.

4.500 yards of duct tape.

5.1 modern PC.

6.3000 yards of unwaxed floss.

7.3 pounds of weapons grade plutonium.

8.3 sticks of Juicy Fruit.

9.100 yards cat5 cabling.

10.2 centrifuges.

11.A microwave oven.

12.9 panels of sheet metal.

13.13 hamsters.

14.M&Ms.

15.10′ of PVC piping, 2″ diameter.

16.Frog blood.

17.1 copy of Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton

Soon with your help we will raise a mighty Tyrannosaur Army to silence our critics and enslave those who would hack into my blog to post comments! I will suppress all bloggers including that Little Lying Bitch. My mighty reptilian legions will devour all detractors including Paul Levy, Cathy Gellis, Kenneth White, Marc Randazza and Martha Stewart (because we all know you can’t bake cookies that good without a heaping scoop of evil). Once they have fallen, my army will march upon the Halls of the Oatmeal and deal him a defeat that no Pterodactyl will be able to save him from. Anyone who says different is a quack. The only people who disagree with my mighty quest are Illuminati scientist who try to convince us that some invisible force keeps us from falling off the planet into space. How the hell would you fall into space? SPACE IS UP! Liars.

Who does this guy think he is? If I was a candy bar, I’d be a Mounds bar not an Almond Joy. I find the mere implication of me being a nut (especially if he means a tree nut) to be based outside of reality, slanderous, and just silly. However since Mr. Captain Obvious wants to talk about me using my god granted trademark, I will be suing him for numerous remedies including but not limited to dinosaurs. These internet people who use dark magic to create videos of me are just zombie slaves to the Illuminati. They are mindless vandals and want to create anarchy!

I’ve also been using digital forensics to track this Captain Obvious and without a doubt I can say he is this man:

Bobby Ray Inman. Aka the Illuminati mastermind who cloned himself to create Matthew Inman. It’s the only logical answer. Anyone who says otherwise is a baboon wearing people clothes. Also while researching this Captain Obvious/Bobby Ray Inman connection I found on the internet someone saying that if you mix different colors of light together it becomes white. That’s ridiculous, to prove this false I got out my watercolors and mixed all the colors together and got black. Further proof that the Illuminati are trying to deceive us through their “science.” I tell you what, if you can’t lick it, it isn’t real. Think that over.

I don’t set my alarm clock for midnight. So I just don’t get this saying. I think the saying is defamatory to my clocks because anyone who utters it is spreading falsehoods. I will not stand idle while people defame me, my property, or common sense. If I could, I’d sue whoever says that. It’s right up there with the supposed “moon landing” on my pet peeves list. The moon is above us, how could an “astronaut” stand upon it and not fall down onto the Earth? There is no way that’s possible, it’s common sense. Things fall down. I mean look at the quality of the video footage? They made it look all grainy to hide the cords as they ‘hopped” around on the movie set. I might have believed them had they used a digital camcorder, but of course then you’d see the strings attached.

Look at that! The flag’s shadow doesn’t even go in the same direction as the actor. You people are all mad to believe these Illuminati lies. Their “science” is just a tool of deception and enslavement. Can you imagine if they’re willing to fake something like this, what else they are willing to fake? It’s like these wikipedia people trying to tell me there is no 5 second rule when you drop your food on the ground. It’s just common sense that when you drop food on the ground, that the germs take time to crawl all over it. Everyone knows germs have limbs. I’ll remind you, these are the same “scientist” who told me I couldn’t clone dinosaurs. I can and will clone dinosaurs, I just haven’t figured it out yet.

This Dave guy is supposedly linked up to the website charlescarrion.com. Now I am not 100% sure, but I am pretty sure he’s the reincarnation or clone of Dave Thomas. It’s gotten to this my dear readers (all but the hackers who comment on my blogs), these Illuminati have now begun a massive cloning program of past fast food historical figures to warp our minds and convince us to eat their hamburger lies. The CIA also controls another smiling fast food icon:

However I can see through his ketchup colored smile right into his Illuminati lies. See how he’s trying to be a Buddhist to throw us off? I wonder what he has on under that mustard colored jumpsuit. Probably a Nazi uniform, that’s what. I should have know McDonald’s is evil. Look into his hollow zombie eyes? Mind control? Yes. Of all things I know to be true, this is the most important fact of all: You don’t put ketchup and mustard on a hamburger, you put ketchup on a hamburger and mustard on a hotdog. Proof that they’re trying to distort our sense of reality. How long have you been eating their Illuminati deception? I bet you’ve had their mustard flavored kool-aid at some point in your life. This all brings me back to their attempts to deceive the general public, a public I am trying to save by spreading the truth. Remember, if you can’t lick it, it isn’t real, but if it’s a hamburger and when you lick it, it taste like mustard, it probably isn’t real either.

Thank you for including me in your lovely website. I have to say, I’m a bit confused. My website is a simply a piece of fiction. I created it in an effort to write some humor about a fictional character named Charles Carrion (the last name is based on the dead rotting meat that vultures feed upon).

It seems that funny songs are popular these days, so I produced a parody in the voice of my fictional character Charles Carrion. I admit, the site is a work in progress, and the writing is amateur and sophomoric at best, but it’s a hobby.

However, if you’d like to continue to list me on your curious website, please know that my FULL name is Dave Felton. I’m in advertising and I’m an entrepreneur.

Have a lovely day.

Dave

PS, While I appreciate your offer of the purchase of a bottle of vanilla for the domain name, please know that my asking price is $20,000. xoxo

You see how these Illuminati fast food clones roll? First they try to distort reality with logic and facts, then he tries to tell me his name isn’t Dave Thomas. This is ridiculous and quite frankly, I’m having none of it. Don’t be trying to shove down my throat some crazy conspiracy theory that you’re not the genetic clone of Dave Thomas. Buddy, we all know you are some test tube grown Illuminati drone sent to destroy my reputation, life, and freedom. See, I’ve been onto your tricks since you made square hamburger patties. What sort of mind fuck is that? A guy is just tripping out, wanting a burger, and they hand me a burger on a round bun with a square patty. I couldn’t stop sucking my thumb for days after that, rocking in the corner calling out for mommy. You’re and evil bastard Dave. Oh, and I hate your song.