President Obama selected Ashton Carter as his new Secretary of Defense. He should really consider coming up with a tougher sounding guy. ‘Ashton Carter’ sounds more like a person to appoint as ‘Secretary of Boy Bands.’

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A New York City woman holding her baby in a chest carrier was kicked in the back by a local mugger. It is a part of Kinder/Gentler Bronx Mugging Initiative.

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DTE Energy reported massive power outages in Detroit this week. Officials indicated that it has nothing to do with Detroit not being able to pay it’s bill.

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Earlier this week, Snooki’s husband agreed to plead guilty to Driving While Intoxicated, but is holding onto his ‘insanity’ plea for Marrying Under the Influence.

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Iowa Police say that Marvin Hill became upset and a McChicken sandwich at his wife because he doesn’t like them. Mrs. Hill is responding by giving him a month of McFlurry.

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Papa Johns stores in Philadelphia delivered on their promise to give out free pizzas when the 76ers ended their 0-17 skid with an 85-77 victory over the Minnesota Timberwolves on Wednesday night. Minnesota fans were rewarded by getting free boiled cabbage crammed into their mailboxes.

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Japan’s Takata Corporation has refused to impose a mandatory recall of their airbags that could explode and soot out shrapnel. They have passed that decision onto someone who they partner with their business partners…automakers, which is almost as good of an idea as letting local prosecutors investigate local law enforcement personnel.

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The Justice Department is accusing two Florida for-profit colleges of using strippers to lure students to their schools. Law Enforcement officials were tipped off to the scheme when other local businesses reported shortages of toupees and red convertibles.

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Baltimore Ravens’ lineman Haloti Ngata was suspended 4 games by NFL for Adderall use and his parents were fined for improper consonant use on his birth certificate.

K-Mart announced their big holiday sale of a 50% discount on all Hasbro games, establishing themselves as the place old people can go who have no clue what to buy anyone under the age of 20.

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RedBox Announced today that they’ll be raising DVD rental rated by 25%. This move solidified RedBox’s position as the K-Mart of the TV and movie distribution industry.

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Interviews on the street with protesting Boston cab drivers indicated their issue with Uber wasn’t actually with the ride sharing service, but with the fact that most the cabbies were just ex-Blockbuster employees frustrated by making poor career decisions.

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The U.S. Supreme Court is expected to rule on whether Facebook posts are considered a 1st Amendment privilege and the larger question of ‘Which Disney Princess is Antonin Scalia.’

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American officials announced that a U.S. businessman has been imprisoned by Russian police for breaking a window. Russian officials scoffed at claims by U.S. criminal justice authorities who called this too severe of a punishment for the crime.

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Amazon rolled out 15,000 foreign manufactured robots prior to today’s Cyber Monday rush. House Republicans are complaining that these robots are taking jobs from perfectly capable American robots with families to support.

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The NY Jets play the Miami Dolphins tonight on Monday Night Football. Coach Rex Ryan announced that he’ll be giving Gino Smith another shot at being skewered by the New York press.

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Critics are questioning President Obama for meeting with Ferguson activists late this afternoon. President Obama responded by saying, “What? It gets dark too early to get in a round of golf?”

China announced today that one of their top Olympian swimmers had a positive test three months ago and has finished serving her suspension. Chinese officials later apologized for the late announcement and said that they will immediately return to not telling anyone about anything.

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Ex-DC Mayor, Marion Berry, passed away this weekend at the age of 78. Representatives indicate he was comfortable with leaving this earth since he already had the torch passing exchange earlier this year with ex-Toronto Mayor Rob Ford…make that the crack pipe exchange.

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President Obama said, in an interview this weekend, that voters generally fall in love with the ‘New Car’ smell of a fresh politician and that it takes a while for them to recognize them as the scent of ‘Freshly Scraped from the Bottom of a Shoe.’

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Today, Netflix released a suggestion list of thirteen movies to watch during the Thanksgiving. The list was previously titled ’13 movies it’s better to fall asleep after watching the first 15 minutes.’

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After a round of golf this weekend with former Derek Jeter in Las Vegas, President Obama told the former Yankees’ captain not to worry about taking care of the club restroom attendant since he just gave him a tip by granting his whole family citizenship.

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E-Cigarettes from China are spreading Malware through their USB charger. Manufacturers are downplaying the issue since they stuck a warning label on the side of each one.

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“The Queen Latifah Show” will be ending after this season. After sub par season one ratings, Queen Latifah vowed to be more like herself for season two, and the ratings actually got worse. I could’ve told her this wouldn’t work since I tried the same strategy between the 9th and 10th grade.

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The New York Times has re-established itself as the pillar of American journalism by correcting an article where they refer to quotes from Kanye West comparing his butt to Kim Kardashian’s.

‘Achocolypse’ is being used to describe the expected chocolate shortage due a lack of workers in Africa to pick the beans. The word ‘Achocolypse’ was chosen for this horrible condition because ‘Ebola’ was already taken.

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Netflix and NBC both announced they postponing Bill Cosby’s upcoming stand-up comedy special and sitcom despite the fact that he was nice enough to mix them drinks during their negotiations.

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Former Virginia Democrat Senator Jim Webb announces the opening of a Exploratory Committee to become Hillary’s first 2016 victim.

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North Korea responded to United Nation threats by inviting former Chicago Bulls shooting guard Craig Hodges to hang with Kim Jong Un for the weekend.

With approximately 50% of the United States covered in snow, Republicans are claiming their recent election victory also cured the world of global warming. But now, you say that you’re ass deep in show and can’t get anywhere, the Republicans respond with, ‘You’re welcome!”

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In anticipation of President Obama’s big executive action immigration announcement tomorrow in Las Vegas, the city is getting ready by setting the over/under at five million.

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The NY Times reports that MSNBC host and civil rights leader Al Sharpton owes more than $4.5 Million in federal and state taxes. Remarkable though, that he only owes his tailor and suit maker $21.75.

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Last night, CNN host Don Lemon asked a woman accusing Bill Cosby of drugging and raping her, why she just didn’t bite him and therefore, completely reversing the stereotype that gay men actually ‘get’ women.

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The Smoking Gun is reporting that a 350 pound man was arrested at a Walmart sitting on stolen ribeye steaks while on his scooter. This is completely discriminatory, bringing his weight into the story. It was at Walmart, it can just be assumed that he was 350 pounds.

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NTSB indicates that Government aircraft regulations will apply to drones, which means that, prior to takeoff, users will be charged extra for things that used to be free and get frisked by a complete stranger.

The future mother-in-law of Charles Manson says she’s concerned about her daughter’s engagement, but it isn’t like she’s marrying an NFL running back.

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The NFL suspended Adrian Peterson for the remainder of the season giving him more time to add to his Facebook ”Which States do you Have a Baby Momma in” map.

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This week, states are taking part in a national initiative designed to increase the number of 1st generation students pursuing a higher education…since everyone who’s already attended a state funded college is too far in debt to have another family member qualify for a student loan.

Amazon is promoting a personalized letter from Santa. For $13 your child can get a handwritten letter from a dude sitting in his underwear in his mom’s basement.

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Alaskan researchers report that they witnessed seals sexually assaulting penguins while being studied. When asked about the assaults, the seals merely shook their heads, ignoring the questions.

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U2 front man Bono injured his arm in a Central Park cycling accident and now needs surgery, forcing him to cancel his appearance on The Tonight Show. Bill Cosby was seen throwing himself down a flight of stairs trying to get out of his Letterman appearance this week.

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Hannibal Burress finally received the celebrated ‘anti-blue’ message from Bill Cosby, except his wasn’t a phone call like every other black comedian. His was taped to the brick that flew through this window.

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DEA agents conducted surprise inspections of NFL medical staff since the agents have free weekends now that so many states have abolished their marijuana laws.

BBC News is reporting that German tourists were accused this week of stealing ancient artifacts from an Egyptian great pyramid. They would’ve gotten away with it if they hadn’t burned their hands on a hot medallion that fell into a roaring fire.

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CNN Headline News personality Nancy Grace being sued for falsely accusing a ‘selfie stalker’ on her show. Her attorneys are arguing that it really isn’t defamation since no one was actually watching her show.

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On day one of President Obama’s trip to China, the United States reached an agreement for China to reduce emissions goals five years after the United States, or, according to ‘Joe Biden Math,’ exactly at the same time.

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A New Jersey lawmaker said on Monday that he doesn’t want Atlantic City to “become Detroit.” Which is like a crack addict saying “at least I’m not on heroin.”

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You ever have that guy who hangs out for too long at your place? Sure, he was cool for a while and had these neat little quirky sayings…like a decade earlier…but still thinks they’re cool today. Randy Jackson announced today that he’s leaving American Idol.

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Microsoft announced that Technicians worked out the nineteen issues with Software that they’ve been battling for 19 years. They were waiting for the kids to get old enough so they could handle the truth.

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Iran indicated that they responded to the letters they received from the U.S. Government last week, but that President Obama didn’t bother picking them up from the Iranian personal courier, Vladimir Putin, when they met today.

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Everyone celebrating the Rosetta Comet Mission except for the four dweebs that effed up the harpoon system. They’ll probably just tell their grandkids that they worked on the solar panels.

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A Montana man wants to rebrand the Ku Klux Klan as a nicer, more diverse organization that allows black members. He’s planning to call his group ‘The Republican Party.’

FBI crime statistics released today show that Detroit had the highest homicide rate among the nation’s big cities in 2013. Detroit officials responded by saying, “We aren’t THAT big.”

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A former University of North Carolina football player filed a lawsuit over the university faking classes and grades that never actually existed depriving him of an education…or at least he went to the courthouse to file suit, but mistakenly just ended up applying for a barber’s license.

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Michelle Obama has already come out against America’s favorite meat…bacon. And, today, President Obama took the firm position against high speed Internet confirming that someone is poisoning the White House water supply.

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The U.S. Postal Service confirmed today that it has been victimized by a security intrusion into their communication system making Russian hackers the first to find a way to infect a rotary phone.

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Leaders of China and Japan met during an Asian Summit and exchange an awkward handshake and even they couldn’t tell which one of them was Chinese and which was Japanese.

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Due to the accidental poisoning of American children mistaking newly designed laundry detergent pods for candy, manufacturers are scrambling to make packaging less appealing to kids. They are now placing a photo of their local Catholic parish priest on each pod.

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An overhaul of the Pizza Hut menu is in the works. They are hoping ‘ginger’ and ‘curry’ crusts might reverse their recent U.S. sales slide. Maybe they should consider a Mountain Fresh flavor.

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Government officials are hoping to avoid the HealthCare.gov sign up problems of last year by turning over operations to those most familiar with the inner workings of the American Internet…Russian hackers.

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It isn’t just the Jewish population upset at Nicki Minaj about her new video “Only” use of Nazi imagery. The Dictator’s Union has released a statement bashing the unrealistic video because that no maniacal leader could ever have an ass that would distract people from their tyranny.

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Three more people were arrested by Fort Lauderdale police for violating a new city ordinance restricting groups from feeding the homeless outside. Fort Lauderdale officials insist they’re just trying to beat San Antonio in the Homeless Biggest Loser contest.

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After bombarding our TVs weather broadcasts with talk of the Polar Vortex for the entire winter of 2103, meteorologist are now correcting everyone saying last years crushing winter wasn’t the Polar Vortex…and what we are getting ready to get hit with won’t be the Polar Vortex either. Thanks, meteorologists, for making me have to sit through the ‘smartest guy in the office’ repeating all the new crap you’re calling it this year.

1. The worlds top badminton player, Lee Chong Wei, failed two doping test and is banned from competition, but he’ll still be eligible to join the ladder ball circuit.

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2. George Takei announced that he is ‘coming out’ for Hillary in 2016. He’s just running out of stuff to come out for now.

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3. Andy Dick was arrested last night and charged grand theft. He’s accused of stealing a necklace from someone on the street, but he is claiming that he just borrowed for a party because it matched his broach.

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4. After the ill fated test vehicle crash, concerned passengers are asking for Virgin Spacecraft trip refunds. They plan to do something less dangerous…like wrap themselves in raw meat suits and wrestle sharks in a swimming pool.

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5. A North Carolina minister has used his $100 “Never Ending Pasta Pass” from Olive Garden to eat 95 meals in the past six weeks. He’s also put the ‘Gluttony’ sermon on hold since he’ll be spending some ‘never-ending’ time in the bathroom.

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6. Two Americans being held in North Korea were suddenly sent home after winning a bet with Kim Jong Un that, no matter how much it seemed like they got along, Dennis Rodman wouldn’t even give him a re-tweet after getting back to the states.

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7. After years of speculation, Bill Cosby’s art collection was finally displayed at the Smithsonian Art Museum. But visitors were disappointed to discover that his collection is comprised of 250 chocolate Popsicle sticks and his pudding sculptures titled ‘Pasture Patties of the Midwest.’