Anyone Who Does Karaoke Sober Is A Sociopath

The art of karaoke was invented in 1200 BC by ancient Egyptians living in Rome. They intended it to not just be a way for old white people to butcher Sir Mix-a-Lot, but for it to be a religious experience.

Rumor has it that it all began one night when Jesus Christ himself crashed a party and turned too much water into wine. Everyone got too turnt and suddenly had the strong urge to sing the opening lines of “Don’t Stop Believing.” God then made a TV screen with the lyrics appear, as well as some microphones and some background music. The rest is history.

But when karaoke was gifted to us, it was presented with some important rules to follow. One of them is that if you do karaoke, you NEED to choose a song that everyone knows. Thou shalt not choose some pretentious deep cut from an obscure hipster indie band that no one gives a fuck about. The minimum requirement is that at least 75% of the crowd should know and like the song. Do a crowd pleaser. Don’t be a dick.

Another rule is if you can actually sing, don’t do karaoke. Sit down; tonight isn’t about you. Every other night is for you, but not tonight. Tonight is for the people who can’t carry a note to save their lives, with voices hideous enough to crack glass during a passionate Céline Dion bridge. No halfway decent singing will be tolerated.

But the MOST important rule? Thou shalt NEVER, under ANY circumstances, do karaoke while sober. That’s terrifying. Just thinking about it makes me shiver in overwhelming fear sprinkled with rage on a confusion sundae. Don’t do this to us.

Anyone who does karaoke sober is a sociopath. Like, an actual, diagnosable sociopath with delusional narcissism and no empathy for fellow human beings. Jeffrey Dahmer did sober karaoke. Ted Bundy soberly sang Timberlake songs at a karaoke bar every single night. Charles Manson is soberly singing some old-school Britney in prison right now as we speak. Is this really a group of people you wanna be affiliated with? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Let me get this straight: you’re a terrible singer and there’s a group of people watching you sing, and you have the nerve to do this sober?! You have NO business being this confident. Imagine how insane someone has to be if they’re honestly okay with doing that.

If you meet someone at a bar and they’re doing karaoke sober, notify the authorities immediately. Stay the hell away from them, because they WILL follow you to your car, strangle you to death, and throw your corpse in a swimming pool. Keep a safe distance from anyone who doesn’t take a few shots of whiskey before they sing Bon Jovi in front of a bunch of strangers..

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And someday I hope to get a woman drunk enough to have sex with me. I almost had one last year, when I was 24, but she came to before I could start and ran screaming from the room. So I just masturbated to a picture of Hillary Clinton, as usual.