Archive for December, 2010

Bob Dylan once famously said, “We will bury you without firing a single shot.”

He was, of course, talking to his archrival, Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees. And Dylan was right, for he went to become rock music’s most celebrated songwriter, while the Monkees are (barely) remembered for a couple of late 1960s bubble-gum pop songs and a lame, short-lived TV show.

Dylan’s point was that wars are not won with bombs and bullets. They are won by changing hearts and minds. And that’s exactly how our enemies are fighting a war we cannot afford to lose.

I’m talking about the War on Christmas. Although you probably knew that already, having read the headline. Damn you, headline.

There are many fronts on the War on Christmas. You’ll have to watch Bill O’Reilly to find out what they are, because I forget. But the most insidious enemy of all is one we’ve long believed to be our friend. I’m talking about The Tree. (But you knew that already too, again because of the headline. Why are editorials so hard?)

We think of our green, pointy-topped brothers as so innocent and naïve. And perhaps they were… before the Arbor Day cultists recruited them for their nefarious, Christmas-hating ambitions. Don’t look now America, but trees have found their way into our shopping malls, our car dealerships, our offices, and even our homes. They’ve prettied themselves up like cheap tarts, with their blinking lights and their shiny baubles, luring you in like a fly to a rotting fruit salad. You, an idiot who is dazzled by all that sparkles and tinsels. You water it. You gaze up at it. You worship it.

Maybe I need to remind you of the second amendment of the Declaration of Independence: Thou Shall Not Worship False Idols.

With that in mind, I call upon the two most holy figures in all Christendom, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, to join forces and stamp out false idols once and for all.

Santa, if you are reading this, I know we agree there is only one God, so please, use your unlimited supernatural powers to wipe out the arborealists who think otherwise. When you come down that chimney with your bag of gifts, destroy the foul tempter you find waiting for you in at the bottom. As for the people, snug in their beds, tired from a long day of consorting with the green devil… you must slay them. Kill them as they slumber! It’s the only way to save Christmas.

No one knows why the trees have decided to infiltrate the world of humans. Maybe it’s revenge for all the furniture. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that they have infiltrated and that we have to fight back. Humans must not go gently into the endless night!

Weep not for the forest fire. Sure, it sucks for the little woodland creatures, but all wars have collateral damage.

Disclaimer: As far as I can tell, deciduous trees are perfectly innocent in all this. I’d hate for you to get all riled up and chop down a maple tree in your yard because of what I wrote. If I didn’t make myself clear… it’s the Pines.

About the writer: Lennie is so unlikeable, his orphanage once put him in a basket and left him on the front steps of an unwed teenage mother’s house.

“It works like this,” says the FBI’s second-most-wanted terrorist, Ayman Al-Zawahiri. “You swallow an exploding bullet, tip-first, and chase it with a cheesy beef burrito and medium Pepsi from Taco Bell. Two hours later, you’re on the plane. You drop your pants, aim at the cockpit door, and – blam! – you’re in.”

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA), the federal agency charged with protecting America’s public transportation systems and passengers, claims it has already taken steps to combat the new threat. TSA spokesperson Pat Downes said at a press conference this morning, “Effective January first, all air passengers must submit to a colonoscopy before boarding a commercial aircraft.”

He also said the food chains Taco Bell and Chipotle, both of which sell burritos, will no longer be allowed to “peddle their terrorist wares” within 15 miles of a U.S. airport.

While the Obama administration says the new measures are simply, “a necessary inconvenience,” not everyone agrees. Lawyers for the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) have filed suit against the federal government, claiming that the rules unfairly target Hispanics, working-class Americans, and white-collar workers who eat at Taco Bell but don’t like to admit it.

TSA officials are also dealing with another new threat: Eyeball bombers. While not yet as widespread as projectile farting, eyeball bombing is even more dangerous, as a glass eye packed with C4 explosive can rupture a jetliner’s fuel tank when detonated mid-flight.

In response, airport security screeners will soon be required to poke all travelers in the eyes before allowing them to board, including pilots.

TSA spokesperson Downes told reporters today, “It’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s just a quick, two-fingered jab, not some attempt to blind you. A couple minutes of watery eyes is worth the peace of mind knowing you’ll have a safe trip.”

ACLU lawyers are urging passengers to refuse the eye poke or prevent it by employing what they call a “stooge block,” which involves raising one’s hand to eye level and turning it until it is perpendicular to the face. When timed correctly, this motion has the effect of stopping the TSA agent’s fingers from making contact (see illustration below).

Protect yourself from unwanted eye poking with the "stooge block."

But travelers should be warned: Any passenger refusing the eye poke is subject to a severe beating with night sticks and a fine of up to $100,000.

Some may question if it air travel has become more trouble than it’s worth, given the nude scanners, crotch groping, anal intrusion, eye poking, beatings, and fines.

All these measures are needed, says Downes, as a reasonable and proportionate response to the thousands of terrorist bombers who attempt to board aircraft in the U.S. every day.

“If people give up air travel, then the terrorists have won,” he says. “Our goal is to preserve freedom.”

Editorial note: The Anvil apologizes for the particularly childish nature of today’s article. We promise a prompt return to the cultured, urbane material we usually present.