Eight Day Week

We’ve learned some valuable lessons this week : The city can survive the constant threat of terrorism , sudden electrical blackouts, the G.O.P. and 100,000 hippies, but can be brought to its knees by rain ; that no matter how many times we read Real Simple , our closet is still a disaster; and that Fashion Week schwag is only fun for five minutes, before it turns into just more junk to pile up on our desk. Today another Fashion Week draws to a close (ker- plunk !), and there’s no doubt an underweight portion of the city is feeling the aftereffects of the blitzkrieg of too much champagne, bright lights and Moby music. Closing it down is bastion of classic prep Ralph Lauren , no doubt showing something elegant and vaguely tweedy. Ciao , Fashion Week! Sundown marks the start of the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashana. For those hip young Jewish guys out there who either think the High Holy Days involves a bong and Channel 35 or only vaguely remember something to do with itchy woolen clothes, temple and some apples with honey, the Jewish Enrichment Center presents “Curb Your Judiasm.” Matt Mindell , former actor (he played Guy on Saved by the Bell ) turned rebbe , explained: “I think a lot of people have a misconstrued vision of Judaism, and we want people to curb their perceptions. Besides, I think Larry David is a comic genius.” The J.E.C. offers a two-hour service and meal. It’s also a great time to drop that WASP-y, repressed, good-for-nothing drinker and find yourself a fellow tribesman: “The people that come to us are mainly in their 20’s and 30’s, and 95 percent of them are single,” Mr. Mindell yenta’d out on us. “Believe it or not, we’ve had 11 or 12 marriages come out of the last five years.” If nothing else, it will make your mother happy-which, by the way, is a mitzvah .

Stay gold, Ponyboy, stay gold …. The press-shy S.E. Hinton , best-selling author of teen favorites like The Outsiders , Rumblefish and That Was Then, This is Now , makes a rare appearance in New York today to discuss her new novel, Hawkes Harbor . Speaking from her Oklahoma home, Ms. Hinton explained why she ventured into adult-fiction territory for the first time. “I wanted to start writing again and to move on to something different,” she said. “Also, I was living with a teenager, which makes it awfully hard to drum up sympathy for one.” The novel, which she describes as “when the worst thing that can happen to you turns out to be the best,” tells the story of an orphan suffering from partial amnesia, depression and fear of the dark (the last bit we can totally relate to). “I felt a lot of freedom writing for adults this time,” Ms. Hinton said, adding, “I even got to write a racy scene, which I’ve been wanting to try for some time.” At the Columbus Circle Borders inside the Time Warner mothership, Ms. Hinton will give a short talk and participate in a Q&A session, preparing herself for the inevitable questions about The Outsiders , a book she wrote when she was 16 years old. “It’s always going to be my most popular book,” she said. “I find it rewarding that generation after generation loves it.” Meanwhile, the Corner Bookstore presents readings from a new book about William Maxwell , the late writer and longtime New Yorker fiction editor (his era predated the magazine’s young-braless-women-in-Vaseline-lensed-photos-accompanying-their-stories trend). Expect writers such as Ben Cheever , Paula Fox , Alec Wilkinson and Donna Tartt -hey, is she back ?-to read from A William Maxwell Portrait: Memories and Appreciations .

Just like the absence of outdoor seating and the introduction of butternut squash onto our local diner’s menu, here’s another sign that summer’s over : benefits for serious events. To wit, the Second Annual New York AIDS Film Festival (which runs till the 23rd, when Meryl “I *Heart* Accents” Streep presents Angels in America ‘s Mike Nichols with the festival’s highest honor) kicks off tonight with “The Red Ball” at the usually wanked-out Hudson hotel . Women are required to wear red ball gowns-not as an homage to creepy feminist favorite The Handmaid’s Tale like we initially thought, but, according to its flack, “because besides being visually striking and fun, it reminds people they are there for a cause.” Due to perform are the ladies of Broadway, among them: Hairspray ‘s Laura Bell Bundy, Mama Mia! ‘s Karen Mason, Cabaret ‘s Kate Shindle and The Boy From Oz ‘s Isabel Keating . Further south, Downtown for Democracy -a group whose press release states its goal “to invigorate progressive politics by mobilizing Americans who share our liberal values but don’t usually participate in politics” (meaning just about everyone we know)-presents John Sayles’ new film, Silver City . The movie, which stars the increasingly pickled-looking Richard Dreyfuss , Chris ( American Beauty ) Cooper, Thora (also American Beauty ) Birch and Kris ( A Star Is Born ) Kristofferson, is described as “a scathing political satire about a grammatically challenged, born-again candidate from a wealthy right-wing political dynasty who fumbles his way toward elected office.” Nope, don’t sound like any President we know! For a $25 donation (read: ticket ), you can see Mr. Sayles himself introduce the screening and attend a drinks thing at Soho bar the Dove, with complimentary Brooklyn Lager ( burp !). But $125 buys you into a catered reception with something called “Potocki cocktails” (no relation to the Governor, we think) and a late-night screening on 19th Street (which has much better seats, we presume). If this isn’t democracy in action, we don’t know what is.

[Second Annual New York AIDS Festival’s the Red Ball, the Hudson Hotel, 356 West 58th Street, 7 to 11 p.m., 212-592-1950; Downtown for Democracy’s evening with John Sayles, screenings at B.A.M.,

A- ha ! A conflicting sign that, while summer is almost over, winter is not quite here yet: the street fair. The Kitchen , a center for “artists whose art influences its medium and culture” (we were completely thrown by the misnomer, too), celebrates its fall 2004 season with a fair that “celebrates the diversity of the West Chelsea community.” Uhhh, isn’t that community really just a stampede of dudes in tight shirts with ripped abs who sorta look like the “grooming” guy on Queer Eye ? Expect artist booths, street performers ( meep! ), the Slavic band Zlatne Uste, a.k.a. Golden Lips (we’re not kidding), puppets, stilt-walking and food from local eateries. Whatever-it’s free. Further north and east (both geographically and spiritually) at the Leo Castelli gallery, flag immortalizer Jasper Johns’ Prints from the Low Road Studio starts its six-week run. More art with flags, this time in Southampton (which was, like, so two weeks ago): The Southampton Historical Museum presents The Red, White and Blue in Black and White: 9/11 , which consists of photographs of flags taken by John Jonas Gruen in the aftermath of Sept. 11. If you’re uninterested in flags and willing to give be barraged by some “ethnic humor,” ride your show pony to Joe’s Pub for “What I Like About Jew.” Hosted by singer Sean Altman and writer/singer Rob Tannenbaum and featuring stand-up Todd Berry , former Screw publisher Al Goldstein and singer/actress/writer Cynthia Kaplan , the organizers promise “an unorthodox night of songs and comedy.” Remember the good old days when Jews just sat quietly around hating themselves?

Give your regards to Broadway at the 18th Annual Broadway Flea Market, an event that benefits the Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS, a nonprofit fund-raising organization. Not a flea market in the traditional sense (read: no cracked teacups, vintage coats or mirrors from the 70’s), one has the opportunity to buy that hard-to-find Jesus Christ Superstar record or pose at the Celebrity Autograph Table with stars such as Hairspray’ s Peter Scolari (ask him about his Bosom Buddies co-star, Tom Hanks , and see if his head will explode!), Wicked ‘s Carole Shelley , Annie Get Your Gun ‘s Larry Storch or Christopher Guest favorite Michael McKean. Speaking of which, it’s not often that drag-show performers make a name for themselves north of 14th Street. However, Kiki & Herb have been (as their press release reads) “blowing minds and breaking hearts around the world since 1985.” The duo features Kiki, a brash, boozy vocalist, and Herb, her shy accompanist, belting out songs by artists ranging from Britney Spears to Eminem, all while delivering crippling one-liners. Their Carnegie Hall gig tonight is their farewell New York City performance, as star Justin Bond (Kiki) will be moving to London a mere four days after the show. “You wouldn’t believe how crazy it’s been,” said Mr. Bond, who will be pursing his M.A. in scenography at Central Saint Martins College in England. “I think, since we’re playing Carnegie Hall, every single person I know is planning to be in New York that weekend.” Is Mr. Bond made apprehensive by the 2,800 seats that will be filled that evening? “Oh, please-it’s fantastic !” he drawled, Kiki-style. “The bigger, the better.”

Unbelievably enough, it’s Monday again , but there’s plenty to do, so grab a double latte, push your hip fat back into your jeans, ladies, and follow the smell of girl power to Avery Fisher Hall for the Seventh Annual “Mothers & Shakers” Awards Luncheon, with keynote speaker and rumored Presidential candidate John Kerry. ” Redbook is a magazine that’s dedicated to the young married woman who has to balance it all-being a wife, mother, professional, etc.,” explained editor in chief Stacy Morrison. “We’re celebrating that incredible spirit.” Expected 2004 honorees include multilinguist Teresa Heinz Kerry , the always-lovely Uma Thurman , vampire-slaying Sarah Michelle Gellar and she-looked-better-when-she-was-pudgy Sopranos gal Jamie-Lynn DiScala . September ’tis the season of the book-release party, it seems, and tonight New York magazine’s saucy porno columnist Amy Sohn celebrates the publication of her second novel, My Old Man . “It’s about a May-December affair from the perspective of the young woman,” explained Ms. Sohn. “But it also deals with her relationship with her father, who is the other old man.” Ms. Sohn was looking forward to her party at Lotus , which will have themed drinks called “My Old Man” and “My Young Girl” (“I’m not sure what’s going to be in them yet,” admitted Ms. Sohn) and a buttload of well-wishers, estimated at anywhere between 100 and 500. “I sort of just whipped out the old Rolodex,” said Ms. Sohn, “and may have even invited a few ex-boyfriends, but I won’t tell my husband which ones.”

“Take a Loved One to the Doctor Day” is today, and if we’ve learned anything from Bubba’s recent medical scare, it’s a) that you sometimes have to pipe up when something’s wrong, and b) don’t cheat on your wife ! ( Kidding, sir!) In that spirit, the North General Hospital on Madison Avenue offers free confidential screenings, perfect for the paranoid and hypochondriac in all of us. Off island , Mike Loew and Joe Garden of the humor magazine The Onion , along with co-writer Randy Ostrow , read and sign copies of their new book, Citizen You: Helping Your Government Help Itself , in Park Slope. As one might expect, Citizen You is a satirical “Patriotic Handbook” that includes such helpful instructions as how to tell if your neighbors are in Al Qaeda , how to say no to terror sex and how to convince yourself we are winning the war in Iraq. “It’s really one of those situations where you have to laugh to keep from crying, ” said Mr. Loew, a soft-spoken transplant who moved from Wisconsin with the rest of The Onion ‘s staff four years ago. “We wanted to be honest about how we felt about the state of the nation today.” Mr. Loew, who worried the Republican convention was a sign of things to come, said that the Brooklyn reading would be more of a presentation, starting with the authors’ own prayer to open the event. “Last week we did a prayer for all the Republican delegates to go back to their peaceably rectangular states,” said Mr. Loew. If you haven’t enough benefit in your diet for this week, check out former Talking Heads singer and wild bicycle rider David Byrne, who performs tonight with Brazilian pop star Gilberto Gil at Town Hall. Presented by Wired magazine- who knew they still published? -the concert benefits Creative Commons, the nonprofit organization whose goal is to challenge the expanded limit for federal copyrights. Watch for lots of bald guys in square glasses in the audience. And if you’re playing the Tuesday-is-the-new-Thursday game, kiss summer’s sweet ass goodbye at El Rey del Sol’s end of summer party. For $25 a person (the invite instructs you to write “margarita party” in the memo section of your check), you can have said margarita, eat some Mexican food, stare at the sky and wonder what you the hell you did with the last three months of your life.

[“Take a Loved One to the Doctor Day,” North General Hospital, 1879 Madison

Happy first day of autumn, suckers! The air is fresher, the leaves are brighter, the drop in humidity makes our hair look better, and there’s less sticky knees to rub against on the subway. But anyway, today Seventeen magazine (the magazine you read back in the day when you wished to be older) celebrates its 60th anniversary with a screening of First Daughter , starring former Creeker Katie Holmes . Or skip it and try to crash the after-party at Marquee. If you have curly hair, just tell them your name is Atoosa.