A day in the life of Joe, the independent voter

EDITOR'S NOTE: The author of this column is unknown. It was submitted by Ed Stried, a teacher at Janesville Craig High School.

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is reasonably clean and good only because some tree-hugging, pinko liberals fought for minimum water-quality standards.

With a big swallow of this clean, pure tap water, Joe takes his daily medications. They are safe to take because some stupid, commie socialist fought with the giant pharmaceutical companies for decades to ensure their safety and that they work as claimed.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer’s medical plan, only because liberal thug union workers across the country fought their employers to get subsidized medical care insurance, so now Joe receives it, too.

He prepares some bacon and eggs for breakfast. Joe’s bacon and eggs are safe to eat because some girly-man liberals fought for laws to create the Pure Food and Drug Administration and the U.S.D.A., which regulates the meat and food packing industry.

In his morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. The bottle is labeled with each ingredient and its amount just because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what poisons he was applying to his body.

Joe dresses, walks outside, and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is fairly clean because some environmentalist wackos fought for the laws that curtail industries from polluting our air in some places.

He walks to the Metro station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him a lot of money in parking and transportation fees only because some fancy-pants liberals fought for affordable public transportation, which gives millions of people a means to be contributors to the labor force.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good, 40-hour-a-week job with decent pay, medical benefits, a retirement plan, weekends off, paid holidays and vacation, all because some lazy-butt liberal union members fought and died (WERE KILLED) to get those working standards for our country’s workers. Joe’s employer pays for this because his employer didn’t want his employees to form a union.

If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes otherwise unemployed, he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid, pantywaist liberal didn’t think he should be thrown out into the street because of temporary misfortunes.

It’s noon break now, and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some godless, socialist idiot wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers, who stole all of the money and ruined the banking system prior to the Great Depression of the 1930s and again in 2006.

Joe pays his underwritten Fannie Mae mortgage and his below-market-rate federal student loan because some elitist liberals decided that both Joe and the country would be better off if Joe owned his own home and was educated and able to earn better pay over the course of his lifetime.

Joe returns to his home from work. He plans to visit his parents this evening at their farm home in the country. He gets into his car for the drive. His car is among the most efficient and safest in the world only because some American-hating liberals fought for and got automobile mileage and safety standards.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house, which had been financed by the socialist plot known as the Farmer’s Home Administration (F.H.A.), because bankers refused to make farm loans. The house didn’t have electricity until some big government, big spending liberals stuck their noses where they didn’t belong and got rural electrification (R.E.A.) in the 1930s and 1940s.

He is glad to see his parents, who are now retired. They live on Social Security and union pensions because some wine-tasting, cheese-eating lefties made sure they could afford to take care of themselves in their old age, so Joe wouldn’t have to do it.

Joe gets back into his car for the ride home. He turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps repeating that liberals are evil and that conservatives are angels sent from heaven. The blowhard doesn’t mention that his beloved Republicans have fought against EVERY ONE of the protections and benefits Joe enjoyed throughout his day, along with many, many more.

Joe agrees with the talk show host. “We don’t need those big-government, nanny liberals running our lives! After all, I’m a self-made dude who believes everyone should take care of only themselves, like I do.”