Tuesday, May 22, 2012

GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON HOMERS AND WE LEARN THAT YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS HAIKU THING

Typically, around these parts, we capitalize the entire GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON name. Why? Because he deserves it. And why does he deserve it? Well, last night GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON stepped to the plate with the bases loaded and murdered a baseball. Again. He also murdered a scoreboard. He's been convicted on seven counts of awesome.

Afterward, the challenge was put out to you, the fine readers of this blog and followers of my tweets, to channel your inner Matsuo Bashō, and offer up your best GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON haiku. It wasn't pretty and your third grade teacher probably hates you, but let's take a look anyway…

Our first entry comes from @fakemarlinsfan, whose 3-3-5 technique is either brilliant or the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

Hard hit ballScreen brokenUnderwear ruined

Not content with his first attempt, @fakemarlinsfan tries again, this time employing a 6-6-5 style. So, so close.

Stanton hits the big screenJumbotron is damagedHymens are destroyed

The fakes weren't done, though, as @FakeSamson stopped by and hit us with his attempt at haiku, which also just happened to be a collection of random syllables.

Home runs are coolIn the big, huge ballparkThey fly up so high

4-6-5? I mean, really? Who done learned you guys?

Not all of you were huge disappointments, though. Some of you actually understand the concept of 5-7-5. For instance, here's @KnightTom, who quickly realized that writing the first line of a GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON haiku is pretty much the easiest thing ever.

Giancarlo StantonYellow mustard on his dongSalami, booyah!

There's just so much to love about that haiku. I wanna hug it.

Next up, @Paposaurus gives us the greatest first five syllables ever put in haiku form...

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A little over two years ago, this site was launched, inspired by the great Zoo With Roy. In that time, the amount of support I've received from you internet strangers has been staggering. I don't do this to get famous, and I don't even care if I go to the strip club with GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON anymore. I do this for you. Because I [heart] you. And I think that deep down, you [heart] me, too.