I’ve been in a failure-like space lately. It’s been keeping me from writing.

Also the lack of purpose for this blog is keeping me from writing.

I am trying really hard lately to find ways to work from home. I’ve realized my job is sucking the life out of me, and I desperately want to be self-employed. For years I’ve been working full time and also managing a part-time consulting business. Both have been very busy lately, in addition to moving and having a child I don’t have time for much else. I’m busy from the minute I get up until the minute I go to bed. I don’t watch TV. I don’t spend much time on the web unless it’s learning something that will help me move on from my job.

The stress of all of it is having an impact on me.

I haven’t been eating well, my mood is meh (but still way better than it used to be).

Exercise – None, aside from being fairly active throughout the day for work.

I heard a cool podcast featuring Dan Millman a while back. Dan is the author of several books I’ve found very inspiring, including Way of the Peaceful Warrior, which I read about 15 years ago. In this podcast Dan talk about how small steps can add up to big changes over time. No exercise program? Start with 1 jumping jack a day. Stick to it and increase over time. I think he’s being funny, but I’m going to try it. So for me: one yoga pose a day.

I’ve been questioning the mission of this blog. It’s nice to have a reference for myself of what I’ve tried and when I tried it, but I’d like for there to be a bigger purpose that actually matters to someone other than me. Right now there’s no structure to it, so it’s not exactly useful as a resource for others. I feel like some of my journey would be worthwhile if it actually helped someone, so I’m taking steps to make it more useful. I started by creating a list of the supplements and resources that have been helpful to me and my family – this can be found on the Favorite Things page.

I’m also going to figure out how to show a timeline of my journey so far, so it can be easier to find specific topics. Not sure how to do that yet.

I changed the title back to the previous name. Friends in Health didn’t feel right after I looked at it for a while. Against the Grain isn’t quite right either, but it’s like wearing an old pair of Birkenstocks to a wedding. Not appropriate, but comfortable. I may re-think it again at some point.

It occurred to me today that I might be increasing my state of disease by focusing on my state of disease. After all, what we focus on grows. I don’t know anymore if I’m actually interested in health or if this is all one giant elaborate way for me to avoid moving forward in other areas of my life.

If I’m sick I can’t leave my job. Cuz health insurance.

If I’m sick I can identify as someone who heals. An identity.

If I’m sick I can garner sympathy and attention.

If I’m sick I get to justify breaks from the hectic schedule of crap that I don’t enjoy.

If I’m sick I’m distracted from painful life events that I can’t control.

If I’m sick I get to feel proficient in healing

If I’m sick maybe I can help others get well and gain appreciation.

If I’m sick I can avoid intimacy.

If I’m sick I get to punish others by withholding myself.

If I’m sick I get to have a direction in life.

If I’m sick I have a meaningful hobby.

If I’m sick I get to make impressive graphs and do important research.

If I’m sick I get to pretend I’m a doctor.

If I’m sick I avoid the rejection of trying and failing.

If I’m sick I have an excuse for not taking risks.

If I’m sick I have an excuse for not doing the work to live my best life.

If I’m sick I avoid being in charge in my life.

If I’m sick I avoid the guilt of outgrowing people.

If I’m sick I avoid the guilt of putting myself first sometimes.

I’m just wondering if maybe it’s not serving me so well to identify myself as sick. Collecting diagnoses, researching them and learning about treating myself. I’m not healthier since I started this. I’m a little wiser, and I’ve found a few really good tools, but I’m not significantly better off. (Updated to add….actually my mood is significantly better than when I started. I really shouldn’t discount the road I’ve traveled here. I’m just not sure it’s a road I want to continue traveling.)

I think I need to break from this blog for a little while, and see who I would be if I wasn’t this person that needs to be fixed.

It’s true that I’m more prone to disappearance when things aren’t going so well.

My family moved to a new home, which disrupted all of my routines, my free time, and my environmental comforts. Eventually this move will be a good one, but right now it’s still a mess. The house is a fixer-upper. I’m struggling with this change, with traveling for work, and with things being very busy with both my full-time job and my side job. We’ve also had some unexpected financial expenses: replacing a car, dealing with a flooded basement, and fixing parts of the new (old) house that we didn’t know were broken. I’m happy to have the house. The adjustment is just difficult.

I’m struggling with eating the “right” things. I gave up and just started eating “whatever” again and my lichen sclerosus (LS) became really inflamed, as well as a sore patch of skin in my armpit – it’s been there for several years but tripled in size in the last week.

I’ve stopped concerning myself with losing weight. I just don’t have the time. I don’t have time to log food and figure out how to shop smart and cook a variety of antioxidant-rich meals. I know this is not how it’s going to be forever, but right now it’s difficult. I feel like I’m making excuses, but right now my “free” time is literally the time I spend driving to work, and the freedom is just listening to the podcast of my choice. Yesterday’s Quote of the Day Show was based on this awesome video:

My mood right now is highly variable, and gets worse when my LS is worse, which makes me think they’re related, with the common theme being mast cell activation. My weight is up about 5 pounds, and my blood sugar is up about 20 points from 1 month ago.

WordPress tells me there’s been a glitch with my blog, resulting in it being stuck in this weird template. My choices at this point are to revert to an earlier saved version of the blog, resulting in the loss of some content, or keep it in said weird template forever.

I’m wondering if this is a sign from the universe that’s it’s time to do something else.

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Hi and Welcome!

I'm Lanie - Middle aged and diagnosed with hypertension, diabetes and general fatness, I'm determined to be healthy again and set a good example for my 7-year old daughter. Please join me in my health-seeking adventures.

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