We open with a recap of the I Quit match. Batista in a sling and a wheelchair and says he’s thinking of suing because of last night. He also said that he will get a rematch. The new GM is announced. Abraham Washington was announced on the internet. It’s BRET HART. He says that Batista can qualify for Fatal Fourway against Orton in an injured vs. injured match.

Batista says no way and he’ll quit if he has to. Orton is put into the match anyway, which more or less gets him four weeks off just in case. Batista is pissed and quits. That’s a fairly eventful opening fifteen minutes if I do say so myself.

Fatal Fourway Qualifying Match: Mark Henry vs. Sheamus

Any bets here? We’re actually getting a fairly long match here. When I say fairly long I mean like 4 minutes so far but still. Sheamus works on the arm as you would guess him to. He goes for his usual bad finishers. Henry that is, but of course they don’t work and the pump kick ends it.

Hart has relinquished the US Title so it’s Miz vs. R-Truth for the belt tonight. Well that was sudden.

Jon Lovitz is having a talent search tonight. He’s in his office and Maryse comes in. She has photos that she can win the talent search with. He’s plugging a comedy club. Apparently he’s developed a submission hold and has taught it to Santino. This is bizarre.

Edge says he should get a one on one title shot. Jericho comes up and demands the spot. There’s a triple threat tonight with these two and Cena. If either wins, they’re the 4th person. If Cena wins, neither is in. Interesting. Jericho threatens Hart.

Taker is back on Smackdown.

We see a clip from last night’s Divas match to set this up.

Maryse/Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim/Eve Torres

Gail and Alicia start us off here and oh dear it’s not very good. Something tells me Gail jobs here. And she left TNA and being the queen of the Knockouts for this. Brilliant Gail, brilliant. Now, is that sarcasm or not? You figure it out for yourselves. I’ve been liking these Divas matches more lately, or at least Eve and Maryse. Alicia kicks the hell out of Eve and Maryse gets the pin on her. She’s shocked. Oh and she hit that DDT of hers’ for the actual pin. This was VERY short.

Truth vs. Miz is next.

Maryse’s theme song is an easy one to get stuck in your head. It’s rather annoying but catchy as hell. In other words, like most popular songs today.

US Title: The Miz vs. R-Truth

Truth’s theme fits Maryse’s category as well. I’ll give him this though: he follows the simplest rule for getting face pops in the world. If you get the crowd involved, they’ll love you. Austin, Rock, Sting, and Hogan among many others always had the crowd into their matches and they all played directly to the crowd. It’s brilliant. Did a fan just punch Truth? Maybe not but it looked like something close to it.

Miz says he’ll win and his catchphrase. You can tell it’s an important match because it gets a commercial. We come back to Miz being in control. They’re actually trying to make the belt sound prestigious. That’s just amusing. When did everyone start using the big boot? Everyone is using that lately it seems, even guys the size of Miz.

How amazing is it that Miz is completely believable in this spot now? Truth gets the worst small package in history for two. The REALLY stupid spinning forearm gets the pin. That’s got more flips than a TNA match in fast forward. When’s the last time we’ve had two new champions for the same belt in two weeks?

We recap Batista quitting.

Cena has something to say. He gets a nice face pop too. Cena more or less calls out the whole roster and says he’s ready to fight anybody.

Lovitz comes out for a talent show. This is original at least. We haven’t seen it since the Ozzy show. He says he’s dating the Bellas. They disagree. I’ve always liked Lovitz so this works.

1st Act: Khali and Singh in top hats and tails sing Putting on the Ritz. This is either terrifying or great and I’m not sure which. This somehow goes into a story about Rosie O’Donnell naked.

2nd Act: Jillian. She gets thrown out before she gets to sing. That was amusing.

Lovitz says there is no hidden talent here. Apparently the fans are more likely to have hidden talent. A guy says he can pull his eye out of his face. It’s a glass eye and he does it. OK THEN. Ted DiBiase and Virgil come out. This is disturbing. Ted wants the eyeball. And here’s Santino, talking about the hold that Lovitz was talking about earlier. It’s a neck pinch.

He uses it on Virgil and down he goes. Naturally it doesn’t work on DiBiase and down goes Santino. This was….quick, what’s a nice way of saying a waste of time and unfunny without using those words? Ah ok: it’s a Santino. That works perfectly.

Hart Dynasty vs. William Regal/Vladimir Kozlov

This is just an odd pairing and it always has been. This is because of last week in the US Title match. I’ll give Kidd credit for one thing: you forget how small he is. That’s an impressive feat. Hart Attack finishes Regal in MAYBE 90 seconds. This is about as textbook of a definition of filler as you’ll ever find.

Post match two guys and a girl runs in and jumps all three Hart Dynasty members. I believe they’re the Uso Brothers who are the FCW tag champions and some chick named Tamia. A triple splash hits to end the segment.

I’m right on my guesses.

The NXT rookies say they think Slater or Otunga will be gone. Only Slater says Otunga. Apparently Slater and Otunga want a match either tonight or tomorrow. Good to see some actual angle building for the show.

We recap the Daniel Bryan segment from NXT. Cole is going to call out Bryan tomorrow and will sue if Bryan doesn’t apologize. Great way to get a sincere one there Cole.

Jericho and Edge say nothing of note.

Fatal Fourway Qualifying Match: John Cena vs. Edge vs. Chris Jericho

So if Cena wins, neither gets in but if a Canadian wins he’s in the title match. Jericho with abs is still strange as hell to see. We get a commercial after nothing of note. To my surprise, this turns into a fun match. Cena is in a kind of handicap match but the Canadians keep fighting each other.

Cena hooks the STFU on Edge but Jericho makes the save by putting Cena in the Walls while the hold is still on. FU almost hits on Jericho but Edge gets a spear. Codebreaker to Cena but Edge spears Jericho to win. I’m a bit surprised. So the Raw title match is Edge vs. Orton vs. Cena vs. Sheamus. Not bad.

Sheamus comes out and there’s a three way staredown. And here’s Orton with no sling or any visable injury. See how smart the Batista forfeit was now? Great show overall with a great efficiency as far as time goes.

Raw got another 3.1. What’s up with this lately? To be fair Chuck’s season finale was last night and the series finale of 24 was last night and there was an NBA Conference Final game and Dancing With the Stars’ final started. I’m sure Jon Lovitz guest hosting had nothing to do with it. Not a thing!

We recap the Daniel Bryan stuff and the final foud thing is now. This is getting good.

The pros are brought out to sit on the stage like they did last week. Punk is a no show due to the hair thing. And here are the rookies. Wow we only have half of these guys left. The season finale is NEXT WEEK? So the final three are there next week? Ok then. They get to talk to the pros and say why they should go home.

Barrett says Justin isn’t man enough, Otunga is like an episode of the Benny Hill show and Slater, the Ginger Ninja, should be sent home because of his hair.

Gabriel says Otunga should go because he can’t wrestle.

Otunga says the same thing he said last night but that it should be Gabriel because Gabriel can’t talk.

Slater says it should be Barrett because he has a crooked nose. See you in FCW Heath!

Truth and Slater start us off and we talk about Slater slowing WAY down after beating Jericho which is true. Slater is good at getting the crowd involved if nothing else. Slater gets the hot tag and beats up Otunga for a good bit but Slater goes for a cross body and it’s reversed into a pin. That looked HORRID and it was mainly Slater’s fault. Looked sloppy beyond belief. Figure the records out for yourselves. Truth was barely in this.

Michael Cole is in the ring as he completely hijacks this show. He gets Danielson to come out and the security leaves as Danielson apologizes. He goes after Cole once they shake hands but the security gets to Bryan first. That doesn’t work and he goes after Cole. The security drag Bryan off and then he and Miz get into it on the ramp. Good segment as Bryan bashed Miz in his promo.

Striker takes over on commentary for Cole. Matthews likes Bryan and Striker doesn’t.

I can’t imagine Barrett losing here. Jericho comes up to the announce table and screams at Matthews, asking if they’re talking about Barrett and if they’re not they should be. He really is great at a lot of things. Striker says a spinning elbow is Misawa-like. Ok then. I’m stunned as Gabriel hits the 450 and gets the completely clean pin. He has the best record? WOW.

American Bang, the band that singe Wild and Young is here. The song is still good.

Raw Recap. Scroll up for a more comprehensive one.

It’s Pro’s Poll time.

1. Wade Barrett
2. David Otunga
3. Justin Gabriel
4. Heath Slater

Oh was there ever really any doubt? Striker asks Christian why Slater was eliminated. Christian says…nothing actually, other than Slater has a lot left in his career. He really dodged the question kind of but he threw in that Slater has to fight for everything he’s worth.

Miz says Slater never showed us the wow factor but sometimes Slater was good but other times he was off. Truth says that it’s survival of the fittest and Slater didn’t do anything wrong really.

Jericho says Barrett will win so why Slater is gone really doesn’t mean much. He gets on Barrett a bit and says he can’t lose like that anymore and to act like he’s the best. That’s what a coach is supposed to say actually. Slater says that the plug has been pulled on the One Man Rock Band but the encore is coming. Good line.

We open with a big recap of last week which is really just about chaos.

Wilde and Sarita vs. Beautiful People and a triple threat tag match.

Lethal vs. Kaz.

And here’s Jeff Hardy. He’s #3 at the moment and I have a feeling this is going to annoy me. He wants Anderson to explain himself so here he comes. He says maybe he did it because he’s trying to be confusing. Apparently we’re all assholes. Anderson sings an invitation to Hardy to become an asshole.

This is making my head hurt. Here’s AJ, Flair and the three goons. AJ vs. Anderson tonight, because that’s not a PPV level match or anything like that. Anderson does his mic thing with his hat on backwards. So was there a point to this other than to announce AJ vs. Anderson?

We come back from a 5 minute (literally) commercial for Jesse Neal and Team 3D. Oh dear. No intros again this week.

Ink Inc vs. The Band vs. Team 3D

The Band is…all three apparently here. Young starts but Nash and Hall are both on the apron with Hall wearing the belt. Young’s tights are the color of Kermit the Frog. Bubba destroys Neal in a way that is harder than he usually works. He must be getting a cookie per punch. They won’t let the Band in for no apparent reason. The Band just hits the floor as Bubba goes for a chair. He turns around and walks into a spear and gets pinned.

Bubba challenges Neal to a match at Slammiversary. Oh dear.

Flair and Kaz talk in the back. Apparently Kaz is trying to impress Flair. AJ comes in and Flair blows him off. AJ has been looking for Flair all day. All day now means 20 minutes since that’s the last time he was with him.

Kazarian vs. Jay Lethal

Lethal looks normal again here. Flair comes out and distracts Lethal as Kaz hits a Springboard legdrop. Flair gets mad as Lethal uses the Figure Four but it doesn’t work. Flair distracts him and Kaz gets the rollup pin.

Post match Flair beats Lethal and takes his shirt off. This is making my head hurt. Lethal beats up an old man as Kaz is selling this beating forever. AJ comes out and goes after Lethal and Kaz stops him. Lethal kicks them both. Flair yells at AJ.

Shannon Moore is out cold in the back with a playing card on his back, meaning Jordan.

He’s listed as in excess of 350lbs. That’s just amusing. And he has Chelsea. They’re Abyss pasties. Shoot me now. And he throws in a pec dance. Jordan works on his injured arm and looks like an idiot in general. Abyss rips off a pastie. On the floor Jordan shoves Abyss into Chelsea. Wolfe runs out with a pipe and blasts Abyss with it for the DQ. Rob Terry makes the save. Why do I have a feeling Jordan takes the title next week?

We recap Sting vs. logic and reason and here’s RVD to call him out. We see a clip of him getting beaten down by Sting and Sting is in the rafters and says he’ll do a lot more at Slammiversary.

Hogan and Anderson have a weird moment.

We get an ad for the midget wrestling show. And the “owner” is here. Shoot me now.

Roxxi gets a title shot at Slammiversary.

Knockouts Tag Titles: Beautiful People vs. Taylor Wilde/Sarita

The midget is on commentary here. The match is crap but Lacey his a claw chokeslam for the pin to retain. The match was beyond bad but it saved the commentary from making my mind bleed. The midget goes to the ring and slaps Velvet’s ass. He gets beaten up. The midget kisses Lacey. She likes it. This is cracking me up and I have no idea why. I’ve come to a conclusion: you cannot take TNA seriously. We have midgets on here now. That’s just hilarious.

The sad thing is that this is a pretty solid match. We go back and forth and it comes off rather well. Hardy’s Whisper in the Wind accidently takes out a referee and Wolfe uses a sock fill of something for the pin. I say it’s sad because this follows the above segment. This was a decent match. Actually it was good. However, this is likely to be the best segment on the show by far. The wrestling is pushed to the end of the show. That’s what’s sad.

Matt Morgan is in the ring to a loud Morgan sucks chant. Angle is still on commentary. He gets the title shot at Slammiversary. The tag title shot that is. He issues an open challenge to be his partner. He calls out Angle to be the guy. Angle is in jeans. That’s weird. Angle beats on him. Morgan runs. Joe shows up. Morgan runs. Angle and Joe do a weird staredown.

Williams vs. Kendrick at Slammiversary.

AJ Styles vs. Mr. Anderson

And here’s a commercial to start us off on the right foot. Everyone is in blue. Apparently Flair wants to have his men win all the titles. Random but logical I guess. Again it’s a good match but nothing great. AJ uses a rollup and the ropes yet manages to botch that as his legs are just laying over the ropes with no real leverage from them.

Post match Anderson asks his fans what they saw and they say he cheated. Punches follow and Flair’s boys come down for the beatdown. Hardy makes the save and the faces shake hands. A staredown ends it.

The recap video is about Taker and his return tonight. I wonder if his record is better in return matches or at Mania. It has to be close.

During the intro it dawns on me: I like Smackdown better than Raw and Smackdown is just flat out better right now. That’s rather surprising for a WWE die hard like me.

Here’s Teddy Long to open the show and of course he looks like an idiot. Why is a Fatal Fourway considered a special thing? I don’t get that. It’s not like we’ve never seen one of those. Show is automatically in along with obviously Swagger. We also get Punk vs. Kane and Rey Mysterio vs. Taker. BURY THE MIDGET!

Maybe Rey can put Taker over, since clearly Taker is in need of it. Drew McIntyre is here now, likely to complain. Matt Hardy is brought up. Why’s that? Drew might be here to ask Teddy where he can get a nice fruit basket. Drew says the title match should have been stopped due to Drew’s arm being cut open.

And he has another note. This could turn into a great storyline. Apparently Vince wants Teddy to read it oot lewd. Matt is suspended for what he did to Drew at Over the Limit. Matt shows up as Teddy leaves and a bunch of FCW guys hold him back. Solid heel heat on Drew.

Drew McIntyre/Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston/Big Show

Not bad for an opener I’d say. Swagger has a mic on his way to the ring and I begin wo smile. The red white and blue singlet is perfect for him. His ribs are taped and he has a black eye. He reminds us he’s still champion. He reminds us a lot. Show gets a very nice pop. Egads why do we always have to turn multi-man matches into a damn match lesson?

Drew keeps getting schooled by Kofi but runs into a splash from Show. When I say run I mean he turned around and got hit by it. This match got some time but there just isn’t that much to it at all. It’s ok and it’s fairly long, but there’s just not much there. Drew does some Big Show style chops that were nice but can’t hit the Future Shock. The punch ends it.

Back from a break we have Gallows and Serena looking at Punk’s head under a towel. They tell him he still looks fine.

Vickie is with Vance Archer and Curt Hawkins. For some reason she yells at them in Spanish about having 15 more days. They leave and here’s Dolph Ziggler. Oh great they’ll start making out at every turn now. Tonight it’s Ziggler and Chavo vs. Christian and Hornswoggle. Oh just shoot me now.

Fatal Fourway Qualifying Match: CM Punk vs. Kane

And Punk is in a SES mask. I like it. We hear about Punk being compared to Idi Amin. REALLY? It’s so cute how they try to make it seem like there’s an actual difference between the WWE Title and the WHC. These are two guys I like a lot but the mask is kind of hurting things a bit. The match is at least getting some time as you would expect it to though.

Also Punk is working on the knee as you would expect him to as he goes with the theory that everyone has done. Striker says no one has made Kane tap. He’s wrong as Angle did it once but whatever. Kane sells the leg which makes me happy. Grisham asks if it’s ironic that Punk wears a mask after criticizing Rey for doing it. Let us rejoice! Grisham has finally GOTTEN IT!

Kane rolls through a cross body as I’m into this match now. He gets the mask half off but Gallows hits him for the save. Punk gets the WORST GTS ever as Kane falls on top of him but of course it gets the three. Punk needs a new finisher. A good thing there is that Punk wasn’t for sure pinned so he has some credibility in there.

The Undertaker is an outlaw? He’s Jethro Holliday?

We recap the Ziggler/Christian thing from last week.

Christian/Hornswoggle vs. Dolph Ziggler/Chavo Guerrero

Yeah because Christian vs. Ziggler wouldn’t work right? Horny comes in and Chavo beats him up. Not this again. This is making my head hurt. Seriously, is Christian this hated that he’s involved with Chavo and Horny? Killswitch ends it on Chavo and Ziggler chokes Christian out after the match.

Laycool talks to Josh and I love how Michelle looks so cocky. Seriously she screws Taker. It’s not like anyone is going to be able to do anything about whatever she does. They talk about how great the belt is now that they have it. Yep she’s still hot but she needs to cut her hair again.

Luke Gallows vs. MVP

MVP has the top unzipped again. You know if he had just regular tights he wouldn’t look like such a freaking idiot. We start with a boxing thing of all things as there’s a piped in MVP chant. MVP hits Ballin and I still can’t stand him. The masked man DDTs MVP and Gallows hits his reverse full nelson slam for the pin. I think that’s his biggest win ever.

Fatal Fourway Qualifying Match: Undertaker vs. Rey Mysterio

It took about 10 minutes to get from the end of the previous match to this one thanks to a Raw recap and two commercials. Taker has the older style robe for this one which is a nice perk. Striker talks about Taker always watching his kingdom. For some reason the image of him on a throne with a remote to turn on Smackdown is funny as hell to me. Taker breaks up 619 after a commercial. Haha Rey bounced on the floor. That was great.

Taker works on the arm for no apparent reason but I can go with that. Rey hits a couple of seated sentons for two. And there’s the damn 619. Springboard Splash is caught by the chokeslam. He gets out of that but takes Snake Eyes. Rey avoids a big boot and tries a moonsault. Is he damn stupid? TAKER SPIKES THAT MASKED PEST!!! Oh how I love it! Of course that ends it and the show.

Still no rating. Maybe they didn’t have a rating. No wait I watched it so they must have.

Hogan had back surgery. He’s fine.

Reid Flair is with TNA now. Oh joy.

Arn Anderson is rumored for the HOF. I’d like that.

Sunday

Still no rating. Victoria and Mickie James and Maria are talking to the companies they weren’t recently employed with. There’s not a ton of news today. This is from Monday but before I’m posting this: Impact got between a .9 and 1.0 but it’s not sure which.