Friday, August 31, 2007

Link Haze, 8/31/07.

(From now on, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. Got something interesting [ad related], email me: copyranter[at]hotmail[dot]com)• Old, but Bush Buttplug Wars (link).•Hey, are you guys aware of this trend—Worldwide Balminess (link)?• And why doesn't World Citizen Starbucks offer free internet? (link)•Fellow ad blogger David Wilkie is forever asking where's my jetpack? Here it is, Captain Impatience (link).• The AYDS Diet—"Why take diet pills when you can enjoy AYDS?" (link) [thanks Kelly Walsh for the tip!]• We're gonna run out of oil in a hundred years or so, but at least we now have a toothbrush with fucking "satnav" technology. Christ. (link)• The burning man at Burning Man was burning, man, five days early (heh) (link).

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

(Bank of America ad for personalized MLB checks)

It says: "I throw batteries/bottles/etc. at opposing teams' outfielders during playoff gameseven when my beloved $200 million team is WINNING(I witnessed it, en masse, twice) and I have the sense of humor of mouse diarrhea and I would blow herpes-dicked Derek Jeter, no questions asked and I call Mets fans "trash" even though half of Yankee Stadium crowds are Wall Street douchebags and the other half are numb & dumb B&T suburban fat guts and I don't understand it when comedians (apologies, Doug Stanhope) make fun of me by comparing my rooting for the Yankees to rooting for the dealers at casinos...previously in Yankee Fans are a Bunch of Mouth-Breathing Mooks:1. Bleacher Creature cuff links.2. Derek Jeter's "Driven."3. Is IT In YOU?4. Urnie Banks?

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #46.

This morning on Gawker, I posted a stunningly beautiful UK anti-gun spot (link). But does it deter gunplay or encourage it? To read any of the previous 45 Lies Well Disguised, type those three words up in the search window.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Link Haze, 8/24/07.

(Until Labor Day, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. Got something interesting [ad related], email me: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)•Mountain Dew—"It'll tickle your innards!" Vintage spot from 1966 (link).• Remember that pathetic corporate anthem for Symantec (See tha solution!)? Well here's an even more pathetic-er one for a lawyers (link).• Wrestling with how to sell stretchy men's underwear (link).• Pantone tea and coffee mugs (link).• Farty Pants (link).• Advertising on thermostats. Never happen? Yeah, who could imagine something as stupid as that; or as stupid as advertising on smelly port-o-pottys? (link). • Matt Lynch, creative director at feed-london, tipped me about an English energy company, npower, buying a constellation "visible above the UK on a clear Summer night," and naming it...npower. And on that same night, if you look closely at constellation npower, you'll see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse approaching Earth's atmosphere (link).

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

(click ads for closer look)As I wrote last September, the woman above left looked pretty damn healthy for a cancer patient. That's because the cute redhead was one of several glowing-faced non-patient/models used surreptitiously by Sloan-Kettering to represent theoretical cancer cases as part of a new, ubiquitous New York City print campaign.Well this month, the cancer center finally inserted an actual real patient into the mix, above right. She's "Joyce," and you can read her story at MSKfirst.org/joyce. However, they're still using the models on the homepage. Just keep hitting Refresh to cycle through the fake patients. FYI: medical facilities usually put a disclaimer [such as: "model used for illustrative purposes only"] in fake patient ads.(Fakery in adland is Standard Operational Procedure. There's fake lawyers, fake hot internet daters, fake chairmen of the board, fake Skoal brothers, fake office workers, and fake 13-year-old drunks.)on Gawker:The Fake Testimonial.

Lies Well Disguised, #45.

Today on Gawker, I took a slightly more in-depth look (link) at a new women's cigarette campaign I've already posted ontwice. To read any of the previous 44 Lies Well Disguised columns, just type those three words up in my search window.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

(photo taken by Drew Breunig directly outside San Francisco's AT&T Park, Bonds's home field)If the new Homerun King™* had a scintilla of a sense of humor (which he doesn't), he'd have his agent give RockStar a call offering the superstar's services to promote their new "Juiced" energy drink. A possible TV spot could be:(background music ,Chingy's "Juice")—Bonds in locker room, pre-game. Grabs an oversized syringe. Fills it with RockStar Juiced. Smiles at camera. Shoots it into mouth. Takes batting practice. Hits ball after ball into McCovey Cove...previously in sports marketing:1. Edge. Dull.2. Reebok running shoes help prevent puking?3. Johnnie Walker: official sports drink of the Yankees.4. Urnie Banks?

When Monogamy Becomes Monotony®

The City of Fucking Angels. According to LA Observed, this billboard for ashleymadison.com—a dating service for cheating marrieds—is now up at La Cienaga & San Vicente. If I was God or Zeus or Xenu or a pissed-off Alien, and I wanted to obliterate America, I'd probably start with ad-chokedTimesSquare. But intelligence- and integrity-challenged Los Angeles would most certainly be my second stop. After that, D.C. Then, Hoboken. Next, I don't know...maybe Silicon Valley. After that, I'd reach down and grab Jason Binn by his pudgy head and hurl him into the Sun.(thanks to Lisa Hall for the tip)

Travelers protects lawyers from Kathy Hiltons?

(click ad to read copy)I am not a lawyer, and know little about lawyering (except that one of their derogatory nicknames is "crows," which is quite harsh. the fake lawyer here looks a bit crowish, though.).Anyway, I was hoping to get a counselor or two to tell me in the comments if this ad is effective to them.The photo of Paris's mom holding Tinkerbell IV stopped me while paging through the magazine. But then, the copy left me wanting—it seems like Travelers isn't very comfortable in the "law space." The ad states that they have "lawyers who specialize in defending other lawyers." Wouldn't most medium+ firms already have such people on staff? I'm just curious—not looking to sue anybody specifically. update: Well except maybe Bill Bernbach (his estate) et al, for making it seem like advertising would be a "fun" field to work in.(scanned from the August ABA Journal)previously in law ads:1. What, no sharks or leeches?2. Law Firm issued Nitwit Writ.3. Law firm puts potential client behind bars in ad.4. One law firm says 'Zebras Bad.' Another, 'Zebras Good.'related: Travelers' dated perception of computer geek.

AccuQuote. Get Buying Before You Start Dying.

You may remember the earnest response last time Daddy was confronted by his progeny about his utter lack of responsibility vis-a-vis life insurance. Let's listen to what the Father of Tiger here had to say:I can't believe it either, little Tiger! (Yes, the boy's actual name is Tiger. He is named after Tiger Woods. He is wearing an official Tiger Woods red Nike polo shirt that Daddy makes him wear every time they go golfing together.) You know what else I can't believe, sport? How bad you suck at golf! Jesus Christ, I bought you customized Pings, got you the best instructor, and you've never even parred one fucking hole! What did you say?!? I don't want to hear it Big Ears—I don't like working as a banker, but you don't hear me complaining, do you Mr. Whiny? Now get out back, and hit another wheelbarrow of plastic balls! Shit, I shouldn't have to be worrying about god damn life in-fucking-surance!previously in insipid Internet banner ads:1. HEY PAL, DOES YOUR DICK SUCK?2. "Can you hear me saying 'FUCK YOU' Now?"3. Gawker banner ad: Pot? Kettle. Kettle? Pot.4. true.com Internet ad thread.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Introducing F*CK ME Camels.

Oh you EVILEVILEVILEVILEVIL tobacco companies!Ladies, you haven't really come a long way, uh, baby. Smoking longer cigarettes used to be about asserting your independence. Today, apparently, it's about letting men know you're ready for sex. Push me over and fuck me, tough guy. Yeah, I keep my pumps on and my cig lit, over here on the nightstand. And you better last at least as long as it takes one of my new Camel No. 9 100's to burn down to the filter. Shove it in Studs Mackenzie. And let's get this late night Cinemax episode started. I'm burning for it...(scanned from the Fashion Rocks supplement to the September Vanity Fair)

SJP. Girlie. Edgy.

(let's go inside the head of Sarah Jessica Parker, as she holds a marketing meeting with herself about her new fragrance, Covet)'So, like, SEX AND THE CITY! I already have the girlie girl market gift-wrapped. Plus, SEX AND THE CITY! all those smart sexy single city girls who are either like me SEX AND THE CITY! or want to be like me will covet SEX AND THE CITY! Covet. But...what about the edgy girls? SEX AND THE CITY! You know, the one's who have tattoos and stuff and work for a living? Hmmm...SEX AND THE CITY! I know! SEX AND THE CITY! let's do a shoot in a jail SEX AND THE CITY! with a couple of edgy but ugly maybe trannies SEX AND THE CITY! and I'll have on a dressy dress SEX AND THE CITY! and girlie gloves! SEX AND THE CITY!Tagline for campaign: "I Had To Have It."(scanned from today's AM New York)update: via an anon commenter, here's an edgy TV spot from the campaign in which SJP gets arrested for stealing some Covet (zzz).previously in marketing to women:1. Pink NHL jerseys.2. Ko the KrazyKotexikon.3. You've Cum A Long Way, Baby.4. Butch Cassidysez: bang your husband, eat your greens.5. Camel No. 9: well, at least they didn't call them No. 5.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Link Haze, 8/03/07.

(Until Labor Day, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. Got something interesting [ad related], email me: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)• Bronze sculpture of a stallion with a human penis built to help promote the Yar Hotel in the Russian town of Voronezh. (link)• Jerry Ringlien, the man who created the "My Baloney Has A First Name" Oscar Meyer jingle, died of a heart attack this week. (link) Remember when Homer sang it?• Could somebody please explain what the fuck a "Hondamentalist" is? (link)• The importance of line breaks: "Ass Beers." Yummy. (link)• Old-Timey condom ad (link)• Bad animal metaphors not only used by stupid law firms. Also used to sell washing machines. (link)• The new Subaru Tribeca—an "irredeemably gruesome" rolling vagina. (link)

Viva Viagra! Long Live My Erection!

The Whiskey Dicks! Every Saturday, they get together, pop a blue pill, and jam (ewww!). If you haven't seen this new spot for Viagra be prepared to run screaming from whatever room you're currently in. If indeed Elvis lives, upon viewing this performance, he will bash his face repeatedly with a blue suede shoe until comatose. (tip from Ben Mall)previously:1. HEY PAL, DOES YOUR DICK SUCK?2. ...actually it's a Raging Chubb.