So I recently had a really successful friend-with-benefits relationship, and if it’s all right I’d love to share what was key for me in building it.

My friend and I were pretty attracted to each other, but it wasn’t healthy to date each other (for various reasons that we both agreed on). So we talked about it, openly, with clothes on. I pretty much said, “I think you’re pretty cool and wouldn’t mind doing a weekly sexy thing, with dinner and booty calls.” We continued to negotiate it over the next month, and decided that the arrangement should only continue if were were exclusive. At the same time, we agreed not to hold out for each other. This went on for three months or so.

I had to initiate a lot of the communication (why aren’t dudes taught to talk feelings) but it was well worth it! He started dating someone else a couple months ago, which he told me about before it really heated up. After a couple weeks for a break, we’re having lunch and coffee every week like, well, normal friends. I’m not feeling hurt about it, although sometimes I’m a little masochistically curious about his new cutie.

So I would say you should DEFINITELY communicate about what relationship you would like. There’s no way you can get the kind of relationship you want if you don’t bring up the option. Without talking, I wouldn’t have known that he only wanted to continue if our FWB was exclusive. And by making it easy to talk, he was able to tell me about his new girlfriend, instead of feeling ashamed of it. At the end of the day, both of us had loads of fun, explored more kinky stuff, and separated with minimal heartbreak.

And if your booty call can’t handle any sort of negotiation, I don’t think he’s worth your time. These sorts of rules protect both of you from getting hurt.