GOOP 3-Day Summer Detox: Day 1

Like those on any major journey/life-changing sojourn, I was excited and clueless. Doesn’t three days sound so short, especially when this basically promises to turn me into a waif-like vegan sprite in just 72 hours?*

*this doesn’t promise this at all.

So I made my first meal with gusto, especially since it was a throw a bunch of ingredients into the blender smoothie kind of cooking.

totally rando ingrediences.

First up, Pineapple Arugula Cilantro Green Smoothie (doesn’t that sound like ingredients in a fancy salsa?). Not gonna lie, I was a little scared of the ingredients. Not individually, but together: tumeric + black pepper + banana + arugula? This sounds like smug yogi hurricane punch. Sans everclear, which is no fun. However, I channeled my inner Gwyneth and just blindly believed in myself. I could drink this! (probably).

random salad in a glass! #cheers #hmmmmm

My first thought was, hey this isn’t that bad! My husband tried it and said it tasted like a sauce that would be good on fish which, while true, was a little off-putting. I think I was just so happy it didn’t taste like liquid cilantro that I didn’t realize how it basically is a tropical fish sauce. It was completely palatable and I managed to finish it, but man. I will not be making this again. Then I realized it was 9:26 am on Tuesday and I couldn’t have coffee until Friday.

#goopproblems. This has already turned me into an asshole. image source: gifhuntress.tumblr.com

I will say, this drink did indeed keep me full until lunch, or perhaps that was just the smugness filling me up. One meal down, eight to go! There are no snacks on this detox, which is all kinds of BULLSHIT, but okay. Next up, lunch!

Now before you go thinking I have got goop for brains, I will tell you that I rolled my eyes so hard while reading this recipe that I fear I sprained an optic nerve. Meanwhile, peel and mince your garlic and set aside, so the compounds have time to activate. I mean, I know that garlic is good for you or whatever, but come on. Activated compounds?! What is this, a CIA mission?

I was pretty tired in the afternoon, but I think that was mostly from the two weeks of houseguests and wine than from my toxins leaving my body or whatever. I was pretty full from lunch still and managed to give about 30% effort in my workout (which is no surprise, due to my post-vakay exhaustion). I was starving by the time I got home, and I had to stop to get mint for dinner as the grocery store I went to this morning didn’t have it. SORRY GWYN, my one-horse town doesn’t have a Whole Foods.

I feel like Kelly Kapoor would’ve been ALL over this cleanse with me. image source: wifflegif.com

I felt full but not stuffed after dinner. One thing I really worried about on this cleanse was feeling full without protein, which this diet plan is SORELY lacking in. Besides the lentils at lunch, my food today had practically no protein, but tons of fat, which I guess is what made this doable. I know I complained earlier about no snacks, but I totally forgot about the DESSERT I got to have today!

best news ever! image source: wifflegif.com

So this dessert was definitely the recipe I was most excited about making. It’s Mexican Hot Chocolate Avocado Mousse and it sounded like something I would legit order in a restaurant. However, after scanning the ingrendiences, I was a little hesitant. Chili powder?!

DO NOT WANT. image source: gifsoup.com

However, I have learned to let go and let goop, so I foraged ahead. I have used my food processor more times in this one day than I have in like a month, which makes me feel simultaneously proud and embarrassed.

shutttt uppppp I know what it looks like. my apologies.

YOU GUYS. It was freaking amazing! I know it looks like literal dog shit, but it tasted like a very rich chocolate mousse. I couldn’t believe how good it was!

After telling my husband repeatedly how pleased I was with how the day went (can you feel the smug creeping in already?), I decided to take an Epsom salt bath and use a face mask I knew that even Gwyn would approve of.

it has kale in it! I am the worst.

Stay tuned for day two, where I will most likely crash and burn, but we will always have day one!