Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Saturday, April 4

Spider

SpiderIs that you on the floor?Doing your trundly dance?Eight legs and eight hobnail bootsThat hold me in fearful trance.

SpiderIs that you on the shelf?Spying down at me?Eyes on stalks and hairy legsYou move not naturally.

SpiderIs that you on my head?Oh Shit! Yes! I am right!Now you're flat 'cos I've hit you with my shoeAnd my visions full of flashing lights.

Flying Saucers??

Children in the 1800's were told that these stationary tortoises were 'flying saucers' that had simply broken down, and were allowed to work on them in their garages after school. They never got them started and were told by adults that they couldn't order the right parts.

Inclement Mood

Never tell a tortoise he has a 'wattly chin'. They get very upset and and are the fifth animal most likely to start road rage incidents.

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*Precious Stones*
I made a pile of gems for every nation
Each stone was perfect truth, beyond compare
And then I sent each race an invitation
It said, “Ple...

3 years ago

Juan De La Vega

Juan De La Vega was very surprised when the tortoise, who'd been dormant for three hours, suddenly pounced and killed him on it's pointy horns. It apparently didn't like red rags, and didn't feel like 'coming out of his shell'.

Tortoise Day

Hoorah! Tortoise Day - Taken by Mrs Enid Rack of the Reptile Wives' Club

Tortoise Polo

Children became weary of this passtime, it never delivered the speeds it promised, and a proper mallet was never provided. It was a fib, perpetuated by adults - it was the flying saucers all over again.