Just what you've been waiting for! Instructions "to appear and experience red-hot and aroused today and day-after-day!" Reader, join us in a literary odyssey nonpareil. Otherwise known as..."Important tips for getting ready in sexy underwear." [Mildly NSFW]

We can't tell you who wrote this copy. We can't tell you what his or her first language is. We can't explain what or who ok'd it. (Although we know it comes from a company called "Holiday Lingerie: Only Holiday Lingerie, No More.") All we can do is look on in wonder, and share with you some of the choicest passages — which, yes, are accompanied by these very images.

"Tip" 1: "Have you acquired the time to employ makeup that raises your finest facial lineaments? Yet during a hurried day, it is an effective thought to present you as a well-groomed woman who assigns exertion into her visual aspect. While you experience erotic and convinced, the world is yours for the acquiring." We stopped trying to translate this one about one sentence in.

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"Hold in mind that aphrodisiacal underwear could even comprise moderate, as farsighted as you experience your finest and persuade yourself with brace! Accessories specified as exciting heels, attention-getting belts or that exact petty dark apparel can constitute your evening arrant prior to you even canalize out the door." Translation: wrap yourself in a red bow. Prior to canalizing, that is, in which case a Teddy Roosevelt costume — sexy, of course — is also advisable.

"Are you all beautiful in pinkish or . . . Blood-red?! Do you cognize a lot of women are most feared of the color that appears the finest on everybody? Blood-red! Come in the feeling of bearing sexy lingerie alias sexy underwear which looks lustrous, attention-getting colors. There are lots of tones of blood-red and pink to bestow out the feminine freshness of every woman, and so do not live timid about attempting a couple of till you ascertain one you experience aphrodisiacal in." Translation: lace merkin.

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"Plow yourself to an exceptional manicure and pedicure for this particular day. Attempt a subtlety of pinkish to catch your pink sexy lingerie; blood-red will act the conjuring trick, too! Use bright refinement and moisturizer to your aces. If you have time (and cash in hand), even so, there are lots of nail beauty parlor and the price of acquiring an entire manicure and pedicure treatment comprises expected to a lesser degree a movie and dinner party with allies." We want to know what translator it is that turns "treat" into "plow," because this is henceforth the program we intend to use, exclusively, all the time.

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"Have you ingeminated your aphrodisiacal mantra to yourself day by day? Do you aspect in the mirror and prompt yourself of simply how aphrodisiacal you genuinely are? Always retrieve to convey yourself with a breeze of sexy assurance. Be your own most boastful fan, and other people will accompany. Assure yourself "I am erotic and I cognize it!" Recognize that you are aphrodisiac, lovable and exciting, and do not be afraid to prompt yourself not simply today but day-after-day." Really, we can't add anything to that.