Thursday, September 13, 2007

Bad Call Ref

Now Reading: Dave Barry's Greatest Hits. Dave Barry is, in my opinion, the funniest humor writer in the world and is my inspiration when writing this blog. By all means I am no professional, so don't judge him by how funny I am. I really look up to him when I think of any kind of career as a humor writer.

As I am in the car on my way to Jewel about a half-hour ago because I forgot to get flowers to ask a girl to homecoming, I think to myself, what is wrong with this world? I mean sure, AIDs, cancer, ozone depletion, and professional Pokemon card tournaments are all clues that this world is a sick and twisted place. But what really disgusts me is how elaborate you have to be when asking someone to a dance nowadays. I constantly hear girls saying things like "Well John took Lisa to the football game and he rented a blimp, two jet-fighter airplanes, and Neil Diamond and he asked her to homecoming in front of thousands of people. It was soooooo cute! I really hope I'm asked in a cute way!" Screw you John.

While I'm sure you would all love to read about me complain about how awful my high school problems are, I won't do that. I will, however, complain about little league hockey. Actuallyt, I can't complain about little league hockey, because it provided me with some interesting stories. I know you've probably never heard the term little league hockey. For those of you who can't figure it out, it's like little league baseball, but it's hockey. The main differences are that kids in hockey are constantly slipping on the ice, can't pick their noses with their gloves and helmet on, and can't play in the dirt, because the ground is all frozen. I don't mean your little league, we're good, we're going to play on high school and college hockey teams. I mean the I'm an angry fat kid so I signed up for hockey, I hope I don't have any girls or mentally handicapped kids on my team. Oddly enough, I didn't fall under either of those categories, but most of the kids I played with did. I wasn't good at hockey so I don't fall under the first category, but I wasn't angry or fat, so I don't fall under the second category. I was a crappy, scrawny hockey player without a short temper. I did however, have two girls and a retarded kid on my team during the last season of my career in hockey. What a self-esteem booster.

I think the attitude that characterizes little league hockey is anger. Everyone was angry in little league hockey. The kids were angry at other players, the refs were angry for choosing "little league hockey referee" as their career, and the parents were angry because they have to sit in a freezing cold room and watch their kid suck it up on the ice. The best example of anger in little league hockey I can think of is this.:

Davey and Timmy are two average little league hockey players that are playing against each other in a tournament game. Davey gets hit by Timmy, so Davey, as your typical angry, fat little league hockey player decides that the best course of action would be to throw his stick like a javelin at Timmy. Timmy goes after Davey, and with all the skill and the precision of a player of his caliber accidently trips the referee. So the referee, despite being 100 lbs. heavier and 10 years older than Timmy, picks him up and throws him into the boards. Bad call ref. Now Timmy's angry 300 lb. coach is on the ref's case. And sharing their thoughts on the situation from the stands, Timmy's parents are screaming profanities and making jokes about referee's sexual orientation. Good work parents, that'll teach him. A fight is so close I can taste it. Unfortunately that doesn't happen. What can I say, it would've been better than pay-per-view. To make a long story short, the cops are called to escort the referee of the ice and the game is postponed until the next day.

Basically, I am telling you that little league hockey is the way to go. If you have a chance to sign up for it, do it, it's a buttload of entertainment and I personally enjoyed every minute of it. Also, guys, ask for homecoming dates the normal way, this isn' a proposal, it's a stupid high school dance. And if you're already signed up for the aforementioned hockey league, don't worry, you dont' have to tell your friends he's autistic, just say you're really good.