I’m writing this to you out of love, not fear. I wanted to go over a few things with you before you embark on this weekend alone… with the others.

Nighttime, daytime, breakfast time, and somewhere around lunchtime can easily be mistaken for pure H*LL, with Satan coming off as a My Little Pony in comparison.

First thing’s first…

Upon arriving home after work, things won’t seem so bad. The others will hug, jump, and for the most part, be pretty excited to see you. This will be short lived… I promise.

School season or not… this is also known as h*ll hour. The others will fight about anything and everything, with Quinn and Penny being the biggest instigators.

It’s most likely that Quinn will be pissed off about Penny wearing her Elsa dress, and Penny equally pissed off because Quinn will ONLY refer to her as Anna. Penny will also be fighting sleep, which I’ll get to later.”

“Dinner will suck. Bailey will want pizza, while Harper will ask for hot dogs.

Quinn will cry when you say the word hot dog and will insist on mac [and] cheese (but not the orange kind or the white kind, but the purple kind). We’ll be fresh out of the purple kind, so she’ll then ask for toast.

You’ll already have started making mac [and] cheese for Penny, but since she heard Quinn ask for toast, she’ll also want that toast. You’ll end up tossing the mac [and] cheese because Bailey got the stomach flu [five] years ago after eating the orange kind, and Harper prefers the white kind.“You’ll also forget about Harper because her friend Lily “unexpectedly” stopped by, so they went ripsticking down the street. Everyone will eat cereal for dinner, and Lily will come inside for a [Band-Aid].

You’ll want to sit down and relax after dinner/breakfast, but I’m warning you against this. It will get quiet… REAL quiet.

This is when you’ll realize that the threenager has fallen asleep somewhere. Do NOT let the threenager fall asleep. You’re basically f**ked if this happens.

She will be wide awake until at least 1:30 a.m. if you’re not careful. Given your 9:30 bedtime and 5 a.m. wake up, this is less than ideal.”

Pajamas. F**K pajamas. Don’t even ATTEMPT anything but a nightgown for Penny. And if you cannot find a nightgown for Penny, keep f**king looking.

She’ll ask for her Minnie Mouse nightgown, but once you put it on, she’ll scream in agony… Just find her Elsa one. Chances are, it’s dirty as s**t, but so what… So is she. I can’t remember the last time I put soap to that one.

Go ahead and leave Penny on the couch with you. God knows you let her a** fall asleep somewhere prior. Quinn, Harper, and Bailey will go down seamlessly. Just wait.

As they lie in their beds, they’ll then realize that their tiny mouths are on God d**ned fire, and they’ll act as if they’ve just walked 800 f**king miles through the Sahara. They will come down… one by one… every God d**ned 5 minutes… for water.

Don’t let ANYONE use Quinn’s pink Elsa cup. If she sees this, she will lose her holy s**t.”

“You’ll end up bringing Penny to bed with you, thinking that’s a good idea. Ha ha ha ha ha! You may as well sleep next to Evander Holyfield on uppers.

Just try getting her into her bed. Give her the iPad. This will save your life… Promise.

Make sure you turn the volume down, along with the screen brightness. Speaking of brightness, don’t forget the diffuser.

Fill that s**t up, and add [two] drops of Peace and calming, one lavender, and one stress away. If she was a real d**k that day, add some frankincense. Set the light to PURPLE. Sweet baby Jesus, please remember purple.

If you set it to blue, she will act as if her retinas are on the God d**ned sun. Don’t forget her sippy cup. Seriously… DON’T. She’ll drink some, and then ask you to take it. She’ll want you to place it on her dresser.

She’ll call you in [five] minutes later for the rest. She’ll call you in AGAIN to put that s**t back on the dresser. She’ll then… wake up at 3 a.m. screaming that someone has stolen said sippy cup. Just fill that s**t back up, and pray to Peter and Mary that she falls back asleep. Oh, and don’t forget her fan…”

Chances are, Quinn will have the ULTIMATE spoon, and Penny will convince you that you’ve left her with the sh**tiest spoon in the bunch. Sometimes, I’ll give her a fork, and then flip her off.

Breakfast will be such a s**t show that you’ll forget to eat, and begin to experience the caffeine shakes.

It’s almost lunchtime. Just start drinking now.

Lather, rinse, and repeat. I’ll see you Sunday.

Oh, also… Just incase you wanted to get ANYTHING done this weekend… good f**king luck. Quinn cries basically every [five] minutes, and you would think that Penny’s esophagus was on certain fire every [four-and-a-half] seconds.

She’ll need constant refills, which leads to more potty breaks. Sometimes, she can go by herself, and sometimes, she’s completely useless and will whine about everything.

Including, but not limited to, her underwears feeling funny. Have backup underwears.

Oh, and since you made me get rid of most every sippy cup, leaving me with [two]… she’ll lose those. Good f**king luck finding them.