``Oh,`` said the first woman, greatly relieved. ``You mean he just ain`t ready? Then I won`t whup him any more.``

It was, says Ann Ellwood, a fairly typical exchange for the young women of MELD (which, until it grew beyond the Twin Cities area, stood for Minnesota Early Learning Design). The two-year program, funded by a research grant from the Carnegie Endowment, seeks to help adolescent mothers become better parents by talking through their problems with peers, learning parenting techniques from successful older mothers and sharing the latest in child-rearing information under the guidance of expert ``facilitators.``

Ellwood, MELD`s executive director, says the program aims to give the young mothers ``the best information, in a form in which they can receive it`` with the goal of helping the women gain the insight and knowledge to solve their own problems. ``Empowerment,`` she calls it.

``The kids go to day care and Head Start and all sorts of good programs for children,`` Ellwood told me during a recent visit to Washington. ``But home is where they spend the bulk of their time and what makes for functional or dysfunctional families. We`re trying to help them become the best parents they can be: smart, supportive and affectionate. We believe that improving a child`s family life is the best way to get them ready for school, and for life.

``Our philosophy is simple. We believe that if you can empower parents to deal with their own problems, you can change the whole family.``

The preliminary results are encouraging. An 80 percent dropout rate has been cut to 20 percent. Second pregnancies have been halved, from 25 percent to 12. The children`s health care is significantly improved, and the mothers feel more confident about talking to teachers about their children`s school problems.

The sharing and information sessions are only a part of what goes on at MELD. There are also direct services, particularly for families with disabled youngsters and special programs for the various minorities that make up 70 percent of MELD`s clients nationwide.

MELD started in 1973 with a grant from the Lilly Endowment to create a program aimed at strengthening families. The early focus was on adult parents, but with the encouragement of Carnegie, the decision was made to develop a program for teen parents and to share their successes with similar groups around the country.

Ellwood, who describes herself as ``an intuitive nonacademic,`` says she was impressed by a University of North Carolina study done by Earl Schaeffer, a professor of public health at Chapel Hill. ``In the first phase of the study, he pumped in all sorts of compensatory services for children, and nothing much changed. Then he developed a program for mothers, and the children`s learning curve took off. That`s the reason for our focus. . . .

``Many of the people we serve do need food, or case management or specific social services. . . . All these things matter. But when it comes to getting children off to a good start, parenting skills matter more.``

She recalls one ``sharing session`` when the subject of vomiting came up for discussion. ``I recalled how when I was a child and vomited in the toilet, my mother would hold my head, wipe my brow and try to make me feel better. Well this one young woman-warm, nurturing and smart as a whip in the street sense-said her mother had never done that, and she hadn`t either. . . . Out of that we were able to talk about the importance of small, reassuring gestures that say `I`m here to take care of you.` ``

Ellwood doesn`t imagine that MELD`s ``simple philosophy`` will eliminate the problems of poverty, caste and class. But she does believe that a lot of good can come from just giving young mothers the skills, the knowledge and the self-confidence to deal with their family problems and to get their children ready for learning.