Tag Archives: faith

Sometimes God allows us to hit rock bottom so that we have no option but to look up. It is easy to focus on what we don’t have and what isn’t working but if we learn to stop long enough to be thankful and appreciate what we have our journey to the top may be shorter. I know everyone has experienced giving someone a gift and they did nothing but critique and complain about it. Remember that feeling of irritation and sadness because you put so much into choosing the perfect gift? How do you think God feels when we constantly complain because the blessings we asked for are not coming the way we feel they should? Why would he want to give us something bigger when we complain about what we feel is little? Do we ever stop and thank God for simply waking you up? Think about the families that are devastated because their family member took their last breath in their sleep. How about the brain power and lip movement that it takes to complain? There are people sitting in the hospital with no brain activity with their loved ones wishing they could just say one more word. Or people who can’t talk and have through communicate through other means. Do we ever stop to think that we are the reason our journey to what we believe we deserve is blocked by us? If our steps are ordered by the Lord then why do we insist on trying to put them in order? We can’t pray “thy will be done” then keep pushing our agenda. Maybe the slow path is what we need to help prepare us for what is to come.

I know we are human and frustration will come but at some point we have to be willing to look at our faults and stop blaming everyone and everything around us. I have been guilty of looking at my circumstances and allowing it to be an excuse for what isn’t. Instead of admitting my inner fears and insecurities I preferred to blame the system and my past. I still have to fight and remind myself to look up. I spent many years circling the same path because I was focused on “my will be done in my life” rather than “Lord they will be done in my life”. Or the infamous nonsense “imma do me”. Doing me hasn’t gotten me very far I’ll tell you that. I lived my life in Déjà vu because I was so head strong and determined to “do me”. I’m still a work and progress and have to work daily to remember there is someone greater than me and I can’t do it all by myself. Beyonce sang a song “Me, myself, and I is all I got until the end” and I really believed that. Carrying myself like that, yeah it was going to be me, myself, and I alright. Misguided journeys can be a lonely road because even with the get-a-long gang cheering me on, I still felt empty.

I encourage everyone when you get in that moment, pause and look up. I know sometimes it’s hard to see beyond your emotions but be thankful that you are conscious enough to have an emotional response. Be thankful for the air you breathe day in, day out. Change your thought process and remember words have power and can destroy the very thing you are working for. Don’t give up because everything happens for a reason. Be blessed.

My last post on 7/2/2012 spoke about my best friend/ex-husband/children’s father receiving a diagnosis of Leukemia that shook our foundation. On 7/7/2012 he left this earth leaving me to question everything I know. I was talking to my other half yesterday and realized how big a role he played in my everyday life. In the 10 years we have known each other, I can count on my hands how many weeks we did not communicate in some form even after divorce. If a week went by without talking it was odd and we knew something was wrong.

Many people questioned our relationship/friendship after divorced oftentimes followed by negative words. He would call me frustrated and I would remind him that people will always talk; it’s about what you believe and what is in your heart that truly matters. I was reading back through some of our old emails and I ran across one from January 8, 2009 when we were speaking about what people around him had to say. Just an excerpt:

…Truth is I love you more than even I could have imagined.Its cool people can talk…I know in my heart and soul what I want where I want it and with whom I would like to share my life with.

Or his last non business email to me 5/30/2012 regarding our son:

I appreciate all that you do to be a consistent part in his life, and in building him to be a great young man. There is no way that I could do this without you. Situation aside you find a way to ensure that he is still in touch educationally as well as socially. You always make sure that he has whatever he needs from you to succeed to the very best of your situation. I applaud and thank you for all that is simply Joy.

I love you.

Or his last personal text message to me 6/27/2012 after I asked him about his test results:

He would call me or send me messages like this often. He started this after our son was born and continued it until two days before his death. He and I would tell each other how well we were doing as parents even with the 300 mile distance between us. We encouraged each other and remained a support. I didn’t understand it at first but his point was to tell people how you feel while their living because you never know when their end will be. God knows I didn’t expect his end to be so soon.

Lessons I learned from his life:

1. Always be true to yourself even when people put you down.

2. Make sure people dearest to you know how much you love them while they are living.

3. Don’t allow the opinions of others to make you feel like you can’t be real about how you feel. Stand up for yourself, what you feel, and what you believe because playing both sides will make you miserable.

4. People will always have something to say but you must have the courage to stand up for what you feel and believe.

5. Most importantly, when you say you love someone, show them.

We had a great relationship for a divorced couple, why because we made a choice. We decided that respecting one another was more important than holding on to any bitterness and acting foolish in front of our children. I encourage divorced parents to learn to get along. No the marriage didn’t work out but that doesn’t mean you have to further injure your children by acting like idiots. You may think holding that anger against your ex is hurting them, but the most injury is placed on your children. He and I didn’t always agree nor did we always like each other but even in those moments we found a way to communicate and find a solution. Your children have to be more important than any hurt your ex may have caused you. Think about the pictures you are placing before them. I’m sure it would break your heart if they repeated your actions as an adult. How can you teach them to be productive and responsible adults when you fail to do the same? How can you teach them to love and respect people when you show them nothing but disrespect? We are human and at some point we will hurt each other. The question is how will you handle it? Is the hurt worth leaving your child or children out there to fend for themselves? Do you love your children enough to stop the madness?

Thank you Walter PJ Coffey for helping me to become a better person. Thank you for not being afraid to tell me when I was wrong even when I didn’t like it. Thank you for always encouraging me. Thank you for making sure I knew that you loved me, or as you said “you’re the only woman I truly ever loved” even in your hospital bed. This is definitely an adjustment because you have been a constant presence in my life the last 10 years but the place in my heart for you will never fade. You will always be the first man I ever loved…Rest in peace PJ 8/14/1974-7/7/2012.

What happens in that moment when everything you believe in is tested? When the statement God won’t put more on you than you can bear feels hard to believe because what you are experiencing is breaking you down? When you are left to wonder “God why me?” or “God why them?” When you love and care about someone so much that you want to drop everything to go make sure they are okay. When you hear news that make your heart drop to your feet? I have so much running through my mind trying to make sure my next step is the right step. Do I go or do I stay? Do I make an unpopular decision or do I avoid confrontation? No matter how much you prepare for life changes the reality is, you’re never ready. My best friend was given a diagnosis that caught us off guard. He and I thought we were prepared and now that we are faced with the challenge our foundation is shaken to a point of fear, uncertainty (him) and numbness (me). Although I was in a similar place not to long ago, I hurt for him because I just want to see him happy and whole. So what do you do?

What I learned from my experiences….sickness and disease are just a name and only have the power you give them. Your attitude determines much; The people around you determine much. During my time of challenges I had to change the people around me and surround myself with positive people who believed what I believed even if I had a moment of weakness. I surrounded myself with people who would not allow me to have self-pity and pushed me to focus on the positive. Although it was difficult at first, I eventually figured out that the negativity within myself was prolonging the process and causing me more pain. Once I changed my attitude and believed that what I was facing was not the end of me, healing took place. My mother would call it faith and now that I think about it, it was; believing things as though they were. When I didn’t have anything left I would say “all things work together for the good…” When I started to get scared “all things work together”. When the doctor told me something I didn’t want to hear “all things work together”. When I wanted to give up “all things work together”. When it looked like I wasn’t getting better “all things work together”.

Point being, when we are shaken it’s hard to remain focused at first. However, when we can see things through a positive light or as my mother would say “as God sees them”, it brings about a certain peace. Challenges will happen in life but what matters is how we handle them. Will we allow the fear to swallow us alive or will we step up in faith, change our attitude, and fight. I choose to change my attitude and step up in faith, what do you choose?

Forgiveness has become a growing topic in society as people begin to recognize the benefits. I found a definition on Wikipedia (although not considered a reliable source) that I feel is fantastic. Forgiveness is defined as the renunciation or cessation of resentment, indignation or anger caused by a perceived or blatant offense, disagreement, or mistake (Wikipedia, 2012). Forgiveness is giving yourself the freedom to fulfill your purpose. “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free” (Ponder, n.d.). “Forgiveness does not mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong” (Mayo Clinic, 2011); it just releases their power over you and moves you from a victim to a victor.

It saddens me when I see people in a state of unforgiveness that cripples them and leaves them in a non-functional state. It takes more energy to hate someone than it does to forgive them. Why? Every time you see them, you have to relive the hurt and remember the pain they made you feel. However, forgiveness gives a sense of peace and although periodic flashbacks can occur (we are human) it does not overtake you and place you back in victim status.

I was once a victim of my own unforgiveness. Unforgiveness destroyed my self worth leaving me to feel as if I couldn’t be more than what the persons who hurt me broke me down to. I was told I wasn’t good enough, nobody wanted me, God didn’t love me, I was a whore, and I would never succeed and I started to walk those words out. I hated myself and lived my life as if I was nothing because after all if God couldn’t love me, who else could right? It wasn’t until I started the forgiveness process (which included forgiving myself) that I realized that I was worth more than how my perpetrators made me feel. Releasing my bitterness and forgiving people cleared the fog out of my eyes. Forgiveness allowed me to look in the mirror and see that I am beautiful, that I am worth more than a 10 minute fix, that I had value, that my voice does matter, that I am good enough, and the hardest of all to accept was that yes God loves even me. When I began to forgive myself and the people who hurt me it felt like tons of weight was being lifted off my shoulders. My walk changed, my attitude changed, and my mindset changed. Yes I am still a work in progress and yes forgiveness is a continuous process, but the ability to sleep at night and look in the mirror and say “yes you are good enough” is well worth the effort.

I chose to free myself of unforgiveness and let me say the air is so refreshing over here. My question to you today- Is holding unforgiveness worth sacrificing your peace?