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The sad sad tale of a disposable assassin

First off I would like to say thank you to all of those who reached out to me. So much support from people that don't even know me in person is astounding.

I would like to give all of you insight on what happened to me over the last few days as well as a little backstory to my life. This is what made me, me.

Since I was very young I felt a strong desire for companionship. This became problematic for me as I was destined to have no luck with the ladies. My life felt empty. Early in high school I fell for a girl that lived down the road from me. We became good friends. That's all we ever were though as she had no interest in me whatsoever. That hurt and I continued to be alone. I dated three girls during high school. The first never even kissed me. We dated for less than 24 hours and she said it felt like she was dating her brother. The second started dating me when she was drunk and stopped dating me days later when she started dating another guy. To this day I'm not really sure that she remembered asking me to go out with her. The third I walked home from school every day for a week then on the weekend me and my buddies went to see her at her house. She came outside and told me to leave that she was fucking a guy upstairs. So that was that. I was mercilessly bullied and tormented throughout high school which just intensified my isolation. I was almost 18 and still a virgin, hell I'd barely even kissed a girl. My depression had reached a new low. I prepared to give up and carved my initials into a bullet and began to let go. That night I went out with my friends with what, for me, was going to be the last time. We were eating at a sonic resteraunt and as we were getting ready to go a girl stopped me and said that her friend inside really wanted to talk to me but she was shy. She asked for my number and I have it to her. I never saw what she looked like but after a 12 hour phone conversation I was falling for her. It turns out that a small patch of woods and a dirt road was all that separated us. We met each other at the top of that hill the next morning. That moment is still with me to this day. It was the only event in my life as profound as the births of my children. As we both came up that hill I found my self staring into the most beautiful blue eyes ever made they sparkled in the sun like diamonds. All we did was look into each others eyes and we kissed. I was finally alive. I took this girl home and made out with her for hours. She asked if I wanted to do more than kiss and I told her not yet. I knew the time would come and it would be perfect. It was perfect. My first time came two months later on top of that hill where our eyes first met. Only this time it was under the moonlight.

So that's how I got here my wife was my first. We separated for a time and I had dated another girl who as it turns out only conned me into her bed with talk of love just to get her ex back. That was quite devastating. Me and my wife found each other again though. We have been together for 13 years. I have been with my only love the only girl to ever show me attention. The only girl who has ever liked me for thirteen years. No other woman has ever looked at me that way I have never been hit on or desired by any woman other than my wife.

I'm going to skip through all the sordid details of pain I have suffered to keep this woman by my side. Infedelity and drug addiction pretty much sums it up. I cherish her and I have always taken care of her. She had finally let me help her turn a corner in her life and get past her addiction problems. Then she wanted to leave me as she said she hadn't loved me for years.

Which brings us to now. This destroyed me I within a matter of moments crumbled into a broken mess. My world died that day. I felt I could no longer take care of my children in this condition so I attempted to take my life. I almost died two days ago. I hung myself. I saw the darkness come over me and I lost consciousness. I awoke on the floor the hook I had hung myself from broke. My pain continued I still wanted to die. Yesterday I decided that I was going to take a bunch of sleeping pills and not wake up. Suddenly I had an epiphany. This wasn't the way to go that I couldn't hurt my wife or my children in that way. I accessed my brain and figured out how to box up the emotion and lock it away. Last night I gave my wife a small key to symbolize this and I told her that I've locked my heart away. It belongs to her. If she ever wants it back she only needs to give me the key and its hers. Then I bagan to heal and move on in whatever way I can. I may date again. I doubt it but I guess you never know. But I will never be able to love anyone as deeply as I love her.

So there's a little insight into some of what shaped me into the man I am today.

EDIT: I'm a little distraught, please forgive me for posting this in the general section. Mods please move.

I hope no fucktards come in and make wise ass comments on this. Thanks for sharing your story, i hope that in some way, getting that out will help you in the process of healing. I'm not going to give you grand love advice or tips on life...anyone who tries is a fuckin liar and just hasn't hit a patch of shit in the road like you have. I will talk to you as a fellow father. Whatever pain you are feeling, don't send it down the road for your kids to take the burden. Love those kids with the love you had for your wife. Just because she has hurt, do NOT hurt those kids by checking out. They love you and need you. It sounds like you have, at least for the time, removed taking your life as an option. I beg you to keep that decision. I'm extrememly sorry for the problems with your wife, but don't take your love away from your children who had no hand in the matter. Stay up bud.

time heals all wounds, bro. speaking from a position of experience, all the pain you feel right now will subside. i wont patronize with cliches, but the more you strive to put today behind you and look towards tomorrow, the easier it will be to handle the feelings you have. Enjoy every day like theres no reason to be worried about tomorrow. I had to learn how to do that, a few years ago. It changed my whole outlook on life. Im a bit of a bitter asshole now on occasion, but as a whole i feel better about myself because of what i went through. You just have to remember to put your children first, above all else, and worry about the rest of the world second. Keep your head up, it can only get better from here.