3 Tough Truths About Our “Priorities” No One Wants to Admit

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”
― Annie Dillard

Fifteen years ago he walked into my dorm room on the verge of tears.

“I can’t take it anymore!” he groaned. “I’m just running in place! I aim. I sprint. I leap. I fall. I get nowhere. Nowhere!”

His desperate eyes stared into mine, hoping… searching for an answer.

His Story of Prioritization & Focus

He has dreamed of pursuing a career in software engineering since he was a kid. “Businesses worldwide will rely on my code someday,” he used to tell his computer programming teacher in high school. Now, as a junior enrolled in computer science at a reputable university, he finally has a clear shot at making his dream a reality.

He wakes up every morning filled with excitement and positive intentions. Studying is actually the first thing that crosses his mind. “I’ve got to get that chapter read,” he tells himself. But first he needs to grab some Starbucks and a muffin. “Okay, now I’m ready.”

He sits down at his desk and cracks open the Agile Software Development book for his class tomorrow. The phone rings. It’s Jen, a good friend he met in his sophomore English class. “Lunch today? Yeah, I could do that. How’s noon sound? Perfect. See you then.” Before he sits back down to read, he remembers that he skipped his workout yesterday. “A quick workout will only take forty-five minutes and it will energize my mind for a few hours of diligent studying,” he thinks to himself. He puts his sneakers on, grabs his earphones and heads over to the campus gym.

When he returns from the gym, he takes a shower and is once again ready to read. “Chapter 1: Welcome to the power of agile software development. This book is divided into…” “Ah, crap! I forgot to email my mother those photos I promised her. Heck, it will only take a second.” He quickly fires-up his laptop and logs into his email application. Before he has time to send the email, he gets a chat notification from an old high school buddy, Danny, whom he hasn’t spoken to in six months. After a 45-minute chat session, he sends the email to his mother and returns to the book.

He glances up at the wall clock and realizes he has to leave in 30 minutes to meet Jen for lunch. “Gosh, it’s pointless to get into the groove of a focused study session for just 30 measly minutes,” he says aloud. He convinces himself that it’s in his best interest to save the reading for after lunch. So he logs into an online discussion forum he participates in, replies to a few messages from his friends and then heads off to meet Jen. Once he returns from lunch an hour and a half later, he feels exhausted. The post-meal grogginess is kicking in hard. “All I need is another round of Starbucks and I’ll be ready.” He hustles out to grab it.

As he sits down at his desk with a fresh cup of coffee he repeats the phrase “Focus on your priorities!” over and over as a mantra in his mind. He cracks the book back open. “Chapter 1: Welcome to the power of agile software development. This book is divided into…” But then his neighbor knocks on his door. “Turn on the Local 6 news channel! The college apartment complex down the street is on fire!” his neighbor chants. He thinks about it for a second, puts the book down and clicks on the television. “This should only take a second…”

And another day comes closer to an end.

Her Story of Prioritization & Focus

She gets up early every morning, grabs her soccer ball, and heads outside before she even brushes her teeth, or washes her face, or eats. She juggles the ball between her feet nonstop until she achieves a continuous count of 50. An old high school coach once told her that Mia Hamm (the greatest female soccer player ever) used to do this. When she’s done, she cleans herself up for the day, grabs a glass of milk and a protein bar, and heads off to soccer practice.

Sometimes she catches up with me after practice, just before our 9 A.M. Economics class. I love it when she does, because her positive attitude is contagious. Her eyes always radiate with contentment and verve. In the few minutes before class we usually philosophize about our lives, our ambitions, and our relationships. For instance, recently she said, “It’s all about balance. We’ve got to somehow mesh our long-term ambitions with our momentary pleasures.” She always explains herself clearly until she’s confident that I understand her point of view.

Once class starts, she’s silent, entirely focused on the professor’s lecture. Her notes are more diligent than most. And although she rarely raises her hand, when she does, her question or comment usually brings a respectful smile to the professor’s face.

Outside of class, I seldom see her during the day. She locks herself away in her dorm room, or in the library, or on the soccer field, to focus on her priorities. She reads, writes, learns, and practices. She conditions her mind and her body with perpetual vigor.

Once or twice a week, when she actually takes a break, she’ll call me at lunchtime. She usually goes off on a short tangent about something she’s recently learned or experienced that excites her. And she always finishes by saying, “I’ll fill you in on the details later.” Because she knows I’m interested in hearing them. Because she mindfully extracts interesting details from data sources ― details that most of us miss.

After a little nourishment, she gets back to work. Pages turn. Notes are taken. Keys on her laptop click repeatedly. And she carries forth until her vision blurs. When it does, she gets up, juggles her soccer ball to a count of 25, and refocuses herself on her work. Again she forges ahead for another couple of hours until her brain has trouble focusing again and her belly aches with hunger. Then she swings by my dorm room.

It’s pretty late now, and both of us are done with whatever we’ve been working on. So we head out for a bite to eat. She fills me in on her day and speaks enthusiastically about the things that move her. Sometimes it’s something new she learned. Sometimes it’s an entrepreneurial idea. Sometimes it’s soccer. Or someone she met on campus. Or a song she heard on the radio that inspires her.

When we finish eating, she walks back to her dorm room. She thinks, or reads an inspiring book, or listens to music, or plays her guitar, or works on the song she’s been leisurely writing for the past few weeks. When her eyes finally get heavy, she snuggles into her bed and falls blissfully asleep in an instant.

Satisfied with today. Eager for tomorrow.

“That Advice Saved My Life”

When he walked into my dorm room on the verge of tears that day, I told him about her, and how she lives her life.

And although we don’t talk nearly as much as we used to, I received an email from him last night out of the blue. It was a cheerful email about the computer software company he started a couple years ago. As it turns out, he just landed his first six-figure contract.

In the P.S. section of the email, he wrote: “Do you remember that story you told me back in our college days about the girl who played soccer and focused like a boss on her top priorities? Thank you. That advice saved my life.”

Some Tough Truths About Our Priorities

We fill our calendars, our social media feeds, and our days with various forms of distraction and busyness, oftentimes just to avoid doing the little things that must be done… to avoid being slightly uncomfortable with the workload in front of us. The instant we feel a bit of discomfort, we run off in the direction of the nearest shiny object that catches our attention. And this habit gradually dismantles our best intentions and our true potential. Our dreams and priorities go by the wayside, and we’re left regretting another wasted day.

Yes, most of us suffer from a severe misalignment of our priorities.

In a recent survey we conducted with 700 of our Getting Back to Happy course students, we asked them questions to determine how much joy they derived from their most common daily activities. As you might expect, the joy rating for work-related obligations typically fell below voluntary personal activities. But what surprised us is this:

Most of the students surveyed said many of their voluntary personal activities did NOT give them joy and fulfillment. For example, several of them said they derived more pleasure from time dedicated to family, practicing spirituality, or working on a passion project, than from time spent watching TV and browsing social media. And yet these same exact students admitted to spending more time watching TV and browsing social media than engaging in the activities they say give them more joy and fulfillment.

If anything, our student survey shined light on a rather widespread misalignment between what we do and what we deem meaningful and enjoyable. And sadly, this misalignment ultimately leads us into bouts of senseless busyness and distraction peppered with lots of regret.

While we may not distract ourselves in the same ways, many of us share the feelings of regret associated with foolishly wasting our time away. Angel and I speak with students every single day who feel guilty and regretful for putting their priorities on the back burner. And I’ll bet, to a certain extent, you have recently felt something similar, because, perhaps, you spent an hour (or four) browsing social media or watching TV with zero return on your investment.

Some might say our tendency to perpetually waste time reveals our true priorities – that we’d rather engage in mindless busyness, distraction, and entertainment over just about anything else. But that’s not true. What’s really happening is an error in our decision-making process. To avoid discomfort in the present, we have literally conditioned ourselves to subconsciously avoid the present moment. We think about the past and future far more than we think about today… we think about other people’s social lives instead of our own… we are physically in one place and mentally in another. Without conscious presence and focus, we mindlessly occupy the present moment with low-value activities that lack meaning and joy.

And that’s why I want to remind you of these tough truths, and give you some ideas for getting back on track with what matters most…

1. Too often we use “too busy” as an excuse for poor time management.

There’s a BIG difference between being busy and being productive. Don’t confuse motion with progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but never makes any forward progress. Don’t be a rocking horse!

Truth be told, 99% of all your busyness is simply a mismanagement of your time.

And at times, you have to say “no” to good things to be able to say “yes” to important things. You simply can’t do it all. So be mindful and choose wisely.

Manage yourself!

Focus on your priorities!

What you focus on grows stronger in your life. At every moment, millions of little things compete for your attention. All these things fall into one of two categories: things that are top priorities and things that are not. You’ll never get more done by blindly working more hours on everything that comes up. Instead, you’ll get more done when you follow specific plans that measure and track top priorities and milestones. So if you want to be less busy and more successful, don’t ask how to make something more efficient until you’ve first asked, “Do I need to do this at all?”

The bottom line is that feeling like you’re doing busywork is often the result of saying yes too often. We all have obligations, but a comfortable pace can only be found by properly managing your yeses. So stop saying “yes” when you want to say “no.” You can’t always be agreeable; that’s how people take advantage of you. Sometimes you have to set clear boundaries.

You might have to say no to certain favors, or work projects, or community activities, or committees, or volunteer groups, or coaching your kid’s sports team, or some other seemingly worthwhile activity.

I know what you’re thinking – it seems unfair to say no when these are very worthwhile things to do. It kills you to say no. But you must.

Because the alternative is that you’re going to do a half-hearted, poor job at each one, be stressed beyond belief, and feel like you’re stuck in an endless cycle of failure and frustration. You won’t be getting enough sleep, your focus will get worse and worse due to exhaustion, and eventually you’ll reach a breaking point.

2. We spend lots of time talking about our priorities, but not nearly enough time actually working on them.

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

Let that question sink in, and then remind yourself that the last six letters in the word “attraction” are “action.” If you want to attract positive changes into your life, you have to act accordingly. If you have an idea about what you want the next chapter of your life to look like, you have to DO things that support this idea every day. An idea, after all, isn’t going to do anything for you until you do something productive with it.

In fact, as long as that great idea is just sitting around in your head it’s doing far more harm than good. Your subconscious mind knows you’re procrastinating on something that’s important to you. The necessary work that you keep postponing causes stress, anxiety, fear, and usually more procrastination – a vicious cycle that continues to worsen until you interrupt it with ACTION.

And remember, you can’t lift 1,000 pounds all at once, but you can easily lift one pound 1,000 times. In repetition, your little actions have great power. You become highly skilled at whatever you do again and again. Every day offers you the opportunity to develop a ritual of success, regardless of your priorities or how you personally define success. So from this moment forward…

May your actions speak louder than your words.

May your life preach louder than your lips.

May your success be your noise in the end.

(Angel and I build tiny, life-changing rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)

Think about the most common problems we deal with in our lives – from laziness to lack of exercise to unhealthy diets to procrastination, and so on.

In most cases, problems like these are not caused not by a physical ailment, but by a weakness of the mind – a weakness that urges us to avoid discomfort.

Most of us dream about the reward without the risk. The shine without the grind. But we can’t have a destination without a journey. And a journey always has costs – at the very least, you have to give up a little time and energy to take a step forward every day.

So, instead of dreaming about what you want right now, first ask yourself:

If you want the six-pack abs, you have to want the sore muscles, the sweaty clothes, the mornings or afternoons at the gym, and the healthy meals.

If you want the successful business, you have to also want the long days, the stressful business deals and decisions, and the possibility of failing twenty times to learn what you need to know to succeed in the long run.

If you want something in life, you have to also want the costs of getting it! You have to be willing to put in the effort and go all the way! Otherwise, there’s no point in dreaming. This could mean losing stability and comfort for a while, and maybe even your mind on occasion. It could mean not eating what you want, or sleeping in, for weeks on end. It could mean stretching your comfort zone so thin it gives you a case of the chills. It could mean sacrificing certain relationships and daring yourself to make new ones. It could mean accepting ridicule from people. It could mean spending time alone in solitude. Solitude, though, is a gift that makes great things possible – it gives you the space you need. Everything else is a test of your determination, of how much you want it.

And if you really want it, you’ll do it, despite discomfort and rejection and the odds.

And every step will feel better than anything else you can imagine.

You will realize that the struggle is not found on the path, it is the path, and it’s worth it! So again, if you really want it, go all the way! There’s no better feeling in the world – there’s no better feeling than knowing what it means to be ALIVE. (Angel and I discuss this further in the “Passion & Growth” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

Afterthoughts… On Priorities, Busyness, & Living a Meaningful Life

Angel and I are not immune to any of the points discussed above. None of us are above this stuff. Just like every other human being, sometimes we let busyness get the best of us – we let distractions get in the way of our priorities. And it takes practice just to realize this, and then even more practice to get back on track.

Over the past decade, Angel and I have gradually learned to pay more attention to the beauty and practicality of living a simpler life. A life uncluttered by most of the meaningless busyness people fill their lives with, leaving us with space for what’s truly meaningful. A life that isn’t constant rushing, worrying and stress, but instead contemplation, creation, and connection with the people and projects that matter most to us.

If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed and stressed out a lot lately, I challenge you to rethink how you’re spending your time, and replace the meaningless with the meaningful.

All details aside, I hope you will do your best to make a meaningful day out of today, that you will dream courageously and live mindfully, that you will create something small that didn’t exist before you took action, that you will love and be loved in return, and that you will find the strength to accept and grow from the challenges you can’t change. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this world), that you will, when you must, be wise with your priorities, and that you will always be extra kind to yourself and others.

Your turn…

If you’re feeling up to it, we would love to hear from YOU.

Which point mentioned above resonates with you the most today, and why?

Comments

I love the story! I can so relate to the guy’s lack of focus and procrastination. So #2 on taking action really resonates the most with me right now.

Honestly, the tiny, positive steps you and Angel have taught me to ritualize into my life through your course, coaching and book have turned my life around over the past year. I was in a pretty deep hole on feeling hopeless stuck and unproductive, and had been for several years, and it was really the tiny, gradual changes in my daily rituals that changed everything around for me. Your idea of moving “one pound at a time” is what it has been all about for me. It’s been a game-changer!

Wow! This story and post popped into my email at the best possible time. I’ve been feeling like the guy in your story, and I know I can be more productive and focused on my priorities like the girl.

I think it’s really interesting what you said about the survey you did with your course students too. I can honestly see how this relates to my life too. Too often I mindless browse news websites when I would much rather be spending an extra 30 minutes playing with my 6-year-old daughter. Thanks for the much needed wake-up call.

This was a seriously good read. It’s so relevant to my present struggles. Truly, all of this has been relevant to me at various times recently. So I’m not gonna choose a favorite point, but I will however make an addition that comes right out of your 1,000 Things book. There’s a lot I love about your book being structured like a quick reference guide, but this one particular quote is relevant to this article, and it’s also one I reference almost every single day:

“You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do. Good things don’t come to those who wait; they come to those who work on meaningful goals. So remember, it’s not what you say, but how you spend your time today. If you want to do something, you’ll find a way to take the next step. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.”

Thank you! I always feel like I am the only one who has trouble getting myself together and focusing on my priorities. I give myself a really hard time over this weakness and work really hard to overcome it. I didn’t realize it was something most people struggle with. Going to save this article and re-read regularly with my morning coffee.

Awesome explanation!! Really changed the way I think about priorities. Every point reflects me. Even though we have the thought of doing a thing or completing a task, we somehow try to get diverted from it..

Thanks Marc and Angel! I really needed to hear this today, especially number two. I find myself talking about what I want/need to do WAY more than actually doing what needs to be done to get there. It’s a lifelong habit that gets me nowhere quick, a habit that only leaves me stressed and unfulfilled. Thank you for the honest words of encouragement!

This article made my day !!! I have been going through a rough patch with a relationship and need a time out.
I want to start exercising again and thinking healthy. In other words, start taking care of my priorities, mainly me !!! Thank-you for helping me put it all into prospective…….

Very refreshing take with an honest representation at the end. Of course you’re absolutely right. In the end, we have to realize that we are a result of our habits. It is especially challenging in this era of instant gratification and smartphone addiction. Sometimes if we can only control this affliction, we are in an empowered position of action. Love this article and plan to share.

Hey everyone,
I am grateful to get these articles in my inbox every week.
I am an introvert and most of the time I am destructed by myself. My mind won’t stop thinking about all sorts of things about life, career options, travel, family you name it.

Sometimes harder than other times… but same long sleepless nights or late bed hour just thinking about everything. It happens in the middle of tasks and activities that matter too. It has been for many years that I just hate that my mind won’t stop overthinking everything.

I have no an issue saying “no” to friends family or whomever … that is one part of the story that I would say doesn’t concern me.
However I don’t know how to sat no to my brain!!!

Sometimes that plagues me, too – being an artistic, creative type! My mind will latch onto some idea or project or problem and it’s like a hamster in a wheel – round and round in the spin cycle! The thing I’ve found to that (usually) works to derail it is to repeat a mantra over and over. Not too long and complicated, just enough to engage the brain and keep it occupied until it goes to sleep. Something like the serenity prayer or a positive affirmation usually works. I hope that helps! I feel for you, it’s awful to be tired and wanting to go to sleep, but the brain says, “HEY! What about THIS!?” lol

And once more you have emailed me an amazing life affirming article right at the time when I needed to hear certain things. #3 in particular right now. I have a wish for a new endeavour yet I never do anything other than daydream about it. I recently told myself that I guess that means it is not really that important to me. Now I feel empowered to grab the idea and “put in the effort”.
I am always amazed at your insightfulness.

Definitely resonated with the guy in story #1. I think the change necessary to internalize the message here will be hard; but as he said in his email to you, this will save my life. Thank you in advance!

One caveat to this: if we’re always procrastinating, it’s possible that we actually need different priorities and subconsciously recognize that. The software student may realize that he’d much rather market current technologies than create them, and may need to change his major. As I look back a few decades at my classmates, very few wound up in the professions dictated by their formal education.

I got a lot from this article, and the timing of it being posted is serendipitous for me. I’ve been struggling recently with some setbacks regarding the career that I’m most passionate about and while I’m putting forth (what I feel) is the best effort I can–I feel like its never really enough.

I’m also trying to make sure that my health is also priority having signed back up to a gym near my job but juggling so much of these things requires so much time and money that its obviously a draining regimen.

Instead of complaining, I’m attempting to restructure myself properly–and I realize that in some areas I really do have to just tell people “no” even moreso than I already do. Amidst my own obligations, people tend to contact me to help them stay motivated or my own business partners who are rightfully excited about the project we’re working on.

Despite all of these things, I find myself getting annoyed with their need to come to me about everything when I literally just want to go home and focus on my own projects. I think that’s clearly one of the things that I need to restructure myself around–reminding myself of the power in saying “no” to things I don’t want or have to do. It’s not that I don’t want to help people but its more of having a balance where I can honestly have time for myself and still some time to help motivate others.

Along with that, I just know that sometimes I need to push myself through the “burnout” point and just keep working on what I need to–its just been more difficult recently because of the challenges that come with pursuing your dreams. I’m grateful for this article for helping me understand things a little more.

“Saying “No” to good things to be able to say “Yes” to important things”. This sounds simple but I am aware it’s a POWERFUL statement, which will yield excellent results if properly applied. Thank you so much Marc and Angel. Reading your emails and associated blog posts is always a delight and always adds meaning to one’s life.

Hi Marc,
Great article as usual. For me, there’s always some takeaway in your’s or Angel’s articles. There were many useful tips and reminders in this article but there was ONE word you used that opened up the floodgates of thought for me. The ONE word was “misalignment.” Simple, but for me, it’s profound. This one word not only explains most of what goes on in ones life but it’s a word that offers hope and positivity. It’s a word that let’s us know that whatever is going on in our lives is temporary and it can be modified or fixed. It’s just a misalignment and misalignments can be adjusted and aligned once again. Thank you again.
Kind Regards,
Barry

Another timely, powerful story of how to increase one’s focus and eliminate the distractions. Very timely for me because I am currently in the midst of attacking some very important goals on my journey and I am focusing in on how best to be productive and minimize the distractions.. As always, I thank you guys, and this community, for the inspiration and the great insight for better living. Thanx.

Great post. I read this and felt so obliged to do more with my valuable and limited time alive today. I certainly feel as though I need to find my way to a satisfactory life I’m capable of living, just as the guy in the first example did after he got his reality check. Great inspiration for this morning.

This is so true. My Wife and I spend lots of time on dog walks talking about our plans are for the week ahead and I can bet not even half of them get done! It’s time to manage our time better. Thanks Marc!

Hi…..it’s perfect,correct and relatable (atleast with me)…i truly agree to what u hav tried to explain…it happens to me almost everyday n more over i also have the excuse for that day wasted like “i was doing so and so that’s why i didn’t got enough time to study etc.” Thank you for these stories…was really helpful…
Thank you again!!
xoxo
Garima Govil

This came on the same day I decided to realign my priorities. Truly amazing timing and resonant insight. Thank you for always delivering exactly what I need when I need it. Now it’s time to for me to act on it.

This is a very timely post – these past few days I feel that I am slowly losing the sight of my goal. I have been doing things that do not bring me closer to that goal. I need to stop them so that I can give myself a chance.

My spirit has been deflated for some time now, as my actions have not reflected the life that I have TALKED about living. Time to embrace the joyful discomfort of letting go of distractions and WORKING towards what really makes me feel alive.

What I like best is the point about talking instead of doing. I am recently divorced and for the first time have no one at home to take care of. I have to focus on what I want, which is new for me. I talk and dream but have not acted. It’s failure to re-launch. It is time to step out of the little comfortable box of work and home that I have created for myself and live, really live. Life is out there and I’m not living it fully. It can disappear in an instant! This was so motivating…thank you!

Sounds exactly like me atm. I’m positive this is me. Always great reading even though it’s hard to grasp sometimes, keep em coming Marc and Angel always a very interesting read and some what inspirational. I see I’m not the only one battling it out. Most the comments I can relate to also and I wish everyone the best of luck to getting back to happy, hope it is all a great successful priority for people struggling with confusion and direction. Try not to get confused on what people are trying to tell you, and what they are meaning, because it can all be quite the over whelming and misinterpreted when you are feeling at your lowest. good advice may be taken as bad advice or vice versa. Or just like this comment does it make any sense..? Hope it does and heads up team there’s light at the end of most tunnels… /8P