I'm A Horrible Person

1 March, 2009 - 7:35am — bulldyke

hey, that's the second time i've used that title. fancy that.

gah, i'm having such a bad day!!! not because of anything in particular...i'm just lonely.

and NOBODY is around. Em's off at this thing, which sounds like so much fun, and i'm really happy for her, but, she's not here. and i just saw R, so that's out. plus, the mood i'm in, i don't think i could stand her. and wolf? oh, well, she's not answering her phone, or any of my txts, or anything.

she can always find time for her fucking boyfriend, but her best friend? pssh, just blow HER off. well, fuck you wolf!

i KNOW i won't be mad at her for long...how can i? she's the perfect medicine for what ails me...but right now, just NOW, i get to be pissed at her.

and then i turn into a total bitch as soon as anyone's actually NICE to me. what the fuck is wrong with me?

i can't explain it. i hate accepting help, even when i go looking for it. so when it's given freely...i just don't know how to react. so what do i do? i lash out, and i'm rude, and i hurt the people who're offering the help.

i'm sorry...

so, i went down to the MU (arcade/bowling alley/hang out place) to hang out, in the VAIN hope of finding someone else alone...preferably female...preferably hot and single and gay. but, HA. yeah, like that's gonna happen.

well, i took my frustrations out on alien...things, and a motorcycle race thing (which i PWN AT!!!). and i'm doing better. mostly.

i was looking around at one point, and realised that, out of all the people there, it was likely that i was either the only, or one of the only gay people in the whole place (yeah, i know the stats, but i also know my town). and it just kinda hit me, how lonely it gets.

it mostly doesn't bother me. i mean, i have great friends, and a wonderful family, and since i was about 8, i haven't cared what people thought of me. i mean, i care, but...i don't let it affect me, ya know? cause if i did, back then, it would've all just hurt more.

but tonight...it just hit me. i read these wonderful books, about these whole communities of dykes, and whatnot (well, okay, it's more complicated than that), and i get lulled into thinking that no matter where i go, there'll be at least a FEW other lesbians...but there aren't. and it gets lonely.

Yeah, You're pretty much an oasis yourself...as in...amazingness in a desert. well. that could be a metaphor. I'm not sure...but ...anyways, what I'm trying to say is that you're pretty fabulous/ not a horrible person. but it gets lonely. it does. *hughug*

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