I’m often asked what to say or do in difficult situations. As a counselor and life coach, I still believe the best encouragement is simply the presence of another person who cares.

Even in a professional counseling relationship, research has shown that the connection between the client and counselor accounts for 70 percent of the outcome.

If words do come to mind, share them gently with grace and affirmation—the way Jesus does with you. But just being there is enough.

Encouragement literally means to give someone courage. It helps us get back up, face our day with joy, and fulfill the purpose God has for us. It’s more than a simple pat on the back or a feel-good pep talk. It’s fuel for our faith that provides what we need to move forward even on the most difficult of days.

You’re an encourager and with God you have all you need to make a difference in the lives of whoever you meet today. Truly.

You value meaningful connection. You want to be understood. You want better relationships. I hear you because I do too.

On my wedding day I said an enthusiastic, “Oh, yeah!” instead of a calm, “I do.” The audience giggled. The preacher looked at me wide-eyed. Mark grinned like he’d won the lottery. In that moment I thought I had love all figured out.

Then we started day-to-day life together and things became a bit confusing. I thought Mark would leave love notes on my car. Instead he changed my windshield wipers. I thought he would buy romantic presents. Instead he faithfully, consistently paid the bills. Hmm.

An Ah-Ha Moment

One day I came across The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. As a quick review they are…

Ah-ha! I realized Mark’s love language was acts of service (mine is words of affirmation, of course). Once I understood that, I could “translate” his actions in a way that made me feel loved.

This had such helpful results that I decided to become fluent in the love languages of the people in my life–friends, family, even the dog (physical touch and bacon, obviously).

The Sixth Love Language

Then recently my friend Jennifer Watson asserted that there are actually six love languages. In other words, we all have something unique to us that makes us feel loved. Hers? Cake. Yep, it’s that simple. My friend Suzie’s? Silliness. Mine? Naps and or chocolate + peanut butter.

Why does this matter? Because when someone understands your sixth love language it communicates in a deep way, I get you. And when we take the time to figure out (or even just ask) someone else’s love language it tells them, you really matter to me.

Helpful Questions

Ask yourself: Which of the five original love languages resonates most with me?

Also ask: What’s my sixth love language–something that makes me feel loved that’s not on the original list?

Then take a moment to ask someone else in your life those questions today too. (Hint: Share this on Facebook and you can get a lot of answers in a little bit of time. Plus, it’s just really fun to hear what your people say. And you will look like a rockstar friend/sister/allthethings.)

Yes, sometimes love is complicated. But, thankfully, sometimes it’s as simple as a new windshield wiper or a crispy piece of bacon. Amen?

I’d be delighted to hear about YOUR love languages!

Cheering you on…

Holley

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Want to go deeper into the love languages? Listen to Episode 12: Your Sixth Love Language on More than Small Talk (my new podcast). You can find it on KLRC or your favorite podcast app. Thank you for making More than Small Talk hit the top charts twice already! You’re wonderful. New to podcasts? Start here.

Confession: I have a conflicted relationship with the phrase, “Love yourself.” Maybe you do too. On one hand, Jesus said, “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). On the other hand, “love yourself” has been used to sell everything from ice cream to fancy-schmancy sports cars, which makes it feel a bit suspicious. Is loving yourself selfish? Here’s what you need to know…

Psychology professor Dr. John A Johnson says there are actually three kinds of selfishness.

“Bad Selfishness” – This benefits you at the expense of someone else. Take candy from a baby and you’re going to land on the naughty list.

“Neutral Selfishness” – This is basic life maintenance we all have to do. Brushing your teeth may not save the world but it needs to happen.

“Good Selfishness” – This turns out well for you and others. For example, exercise, a nap or even a massage might seem selfish but if it helps you to be a more loving friend, wife, mom or coworker then everyone wins.

“Good selfishness” also tends to boost our happiness. This might also seem self-centered but bestselling author and happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin has found, “Happy people tend to be more cooperative, less self-centered, and more willing to help other people.” Yep.

When you’re in doubt about a particular action, ask yourself, “What kind of selfishness is this?” Then choose option 1, 2 or 3 above.

If you answer “3” then carry on guilt-free. It turns out “good selfishness” is actually an unexpected code word for something else: love.

XOXO

Holley

Next Step: Take ten seconds to pray, “God, thank You that when Jesus was on this earth He withdrew from the crowds, took naps and gave us an example of what it means to love ourselves in a healthy, holy way. Show me how to do the same today. Amen.”

Imagine you can know a secret that will make any relationship in your life more likely to last. This secret is small, quick and costs nothing. Like a tiny key, it unlocks what comes between you and the people you love. Would you be interested? It turns out there IS a secret like this. And as your Valentine’s Day gift, I’m sharing it with you.

John Gottman, a researcher and psychologist, has hosted couples at his “Love Lab” in Seattle for decades. Set up like an apartment, Gottman and his team (with the couple’s permission and in public spaces only) video the couples’ interactions.

Gottman has found we all make “bids for connection.” A bid might be as simple as saying, “Hey, look at this crazy bird in the backyard.” We have three responses to such bids…

Turning toward is the secret to lasting love. Couples who stay together turn toward each other about 86% of the time. And this doesn’t just apply to romantic partners. Turning toward also helps our relationships with kids, parents, friends, coworkers, even the dog.

Big love is about little things.

Now it’s your turn to pass along the secret.

XOXO
Holley

Want More?

Listen to Love is Weird, Episode 10 of my new podcast, More than Small Talk. Thank you so much for recently putting More than Small Talk in the top 40 Christian podcasts! Not sure how to listen to a podcast? Start here.

I’m falling in love with the awkward. It’s where we find out which one of our friends laughs so hard she snorts. It’s where the mascara runs right down our faces, and we discover how lovely the ugly cry can be. It’s where we remember we are not God — and that is a very good thing. It’s where we learn to believe we’re loved for who we are and not who we sometimes wish we could be.

The people who impress me most these days are not the ones on stages or those with the most likes on their social media pages. I’m impressed with the folks who show up in the everyday and say, “Here I am. There you are. Let’s figure out how to love each other, even when it’s awkward.” I love the people who say the wrong thing sometimes and fidget when they’re nervous and trip over the welcome mat. Those are my people, my kind. Yours too?

Showing up as you are, refusing to hide or hold back, is a brave, beautiful, world-changing, endearing thing.

XOXO
Holley

10 Second Step: Pause and pray, “God, help me remember that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved today. Give me the courage to show up as I am and give others permission to do the same. Amen.”

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