My husband likes watching porn with women squirting and keeps trying to make me squirt. It has never worked and we both end up frustrated and let down. I feel inadequate. Can you teach me how to squirt?
– A.

Dear A.,

Thanks for your question as it is one that I get asked often from both men and women. I get so frustrated at the pressure put on women to “perform” in this way. Many men want some sort of concrete evidence that they have given a woman pleasure and getting a woman to shoot ejaculate across the room seems to be their definition of that. I think that this belief can be damaging for women for several reasons:

First of all it is important for you and your husband to understand that squirting is not the same as orgasming. Just like male orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing, they aren’t the same when it comes to woman either. Often – but not always – ejaculation(for male and females) accompanies an orgasm but the two aren’t the same thing. This means that you might squirt at the same time as you orgasm or you might not but they are not at all dependent on the other. SQUIRTING does NOT mean orgasm. Men can learn to orgasm without ejaculating and in turn continue having sex and have multiple orgasms. That practice for men involves use of the pelvic floor(pc) muscle – which is a large part of what I teach in my orgasm coaching as well.

Secondly not every woman can squirt. Female ejaculate comes from the bladder via the skene’s gland which some women are born without. Is it fair to shame certain women for not having the anatomy to do something?

Thirdly my personal orgasm practice, training and teaching revolves heavily on use of the woman’s pelvic floor muscle. I teach women to learn to use this muscle during build up to orgasm as each squeeze brings blood into her clitoris which is her primary sex organ. Building a strong pelvic floor muscle (pc) also increases the strength of a woman’s orgasm because – the stronger these muscles are, the stronger the contractions in her orgasm will be. Strengthening the pc muscle involves not only squeezing it but lifting it up.

For myself I use the imagery of pulling sexual energy up into my body. As I squeeze and lift, my sexual energy builds causing my entire clitoris to fill up with blood. This energy is finally released through powerful contractions of my whole body. With this practice my orgasmic energy is in all of me – not just my pelvic region. This means that whether I am alone or with a partner – this sexual energy is my own and that is incredibly empowering for me. Squirting on the other hand requires release of this muscle and in some cases bearing down in order to let it go or push it out. Some women who make themselves squirt often, end up losing all strength in their pelvic floor because of this. Here is a link to a story of a woman who this happened to and her journey to build that muscle and, in turn, her orgasms again. http://dodsonandross.com/blogs/ambrosia/2015/05/notes-recovering-squirter

I hope this answer helps you. If you are truly interested in learning to squirt there are videos online that can help you – but I can’t guarantee whether it will work for you or not. Just remember though that just like there should be no shame in squirting, there should be no shame in not squirting. If your husband continues to pressure you please tell him that I am an orgasm coach and I don’t squirt. It just doesn’t have anything to do with orgasm. As far as I’m concerned anyone pressuring us to do something with our body that we don’t want can fuck off because it is our body and our orgasms. Explore yourself on your own time and learn what feels best for you and then you can show him. Not the other way around..