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HOW TO BE POSSESSED BY A DEMON

We are all of us haunted by demons. Most of these demons are trivial,
figurative demons (like self-doubt or chronic alcoholism), but
this is not the only type of demon. No, there also exists a
significantly less benign demon: Evil spirits who seize control
of our bodies and bend them to the Archfiend's will.

This guide is concerned with only the latter type of demon, so those of you who've come here seeking advice on how to overcome personal demons (like a fear of flying, compulsive overeating, or the fact that Sixpence None The Richer's 1998 hit single "Kiss Me" has inexplicably been playing on a loop in your head for the past fifteen years) would do well to look elsewhere for assistance because this guide only covers demons of the supernatural variety.

So less "Doctor Phil" and more "Sweet little girls hefting grown men over their heads and tossing them through
plateglass windows, middle-aged men
scrawling glyphs upon the walls in their own excrement while gibbering
in elder tongues, and kindly old grandmothers scuttling into your room late at night on dislocated limbs and unhinging their jaws to disgorge huge clouds of bees that swarm down your throat and eventually you choke to death on them because who could even breathe through all those bees?".

Nobody, that's who.

DEMONIC POSSESSION: SIGNS & SYMPTOMS

MIO (Malign Infernal Occupancy) is a serious spectral infection usually
affecting the mucous membranes of the human soul. A typical mid-tier
possession is usually accompanied by a number of relatively mild
symptoms such as sore throat, cough, swollen glands, and hyperhidrosis
(excessive sweating); but the hallmark sign of MIO is the thick sheets
of viscous, shimmering ectoplasm violently expelled from the victim's
mouth at regular intervals.

Other symptoms include:

Fever

Insomnia

Superhuman Strength

Eating Without Saying Grace

Excessive Masturbation With Holy Objects

Otherworldly Bellowing

Uncharacteristic Floating or Hovering

Shouting at Pets

Always Talking About Satan and How Much Better He is Than
Jesus

WHY WAS I POSSESSED?

The first
question a person often has upon realizing that their body is
being controlled by a demonic spirit is: "Why Me?" I would
answer this question with another question: "Why Not You?" We are all
sinners according to The Holy Bible and the Muslim Book of Muslims, and
unfortunately, the bodies of sinners are the favored
vessels of demons.

Even if you don't believe you've ever sinned, you have. For example:
Have you ever picked up a penny off the sidewalk? Looked at another
man's wife or daughter? Read from a book or magazine in the store
without paying for it?
Of course you have, and I hate to break it to you, but what you've done
is called stealing, and last time I checked: Stealing is a sin. You may
think, "What's the big deal? I picked up a penny!" but you have to
remember that in God's eyes, stealing a penny (or a glance at a
woman/book that you don't own) is no different from murdering a child,
gambling, or committing
check fraud.

So to answer your original question: "Sin is why you were possessed".
Demons must draw upon the darkness that lies deep in the heart
of sinners in order to survive. Without sin, a demon will simply
shrivel up and die.

But while it's true that you can't prevent possession altogether, you can reducethe
odds of your becoming possessed by avoiding places in which demons are
known to congregate. Don't ride the subway. Don't ride the bus.
Don't take a taxicab or go outside. Don't frequent demon-friendly
establishments (discotheques, non-catholic universities, sex clubs,
rock
& roll shows, etc) and if you hear about a party where
there is going to be demons, don't go.

CASTING OUT THAT DEMON

Many who fall under the thrall of a demonic entity eventually decide
it's not really for them. Unfortunately, demons are
notoriously stubborn and usually will not leave a body of their own
accord. In cases like these, most people's first instinct is to run to
the phone directory and call-up their local exorcist. Certainly there's
nothing wrong with this approach, but it is important to note that a
thorough exorcism performed by a fully licensed and bonded
Catholic exorcist is extremely costly. And while it's true
that many of the larger exorcism firms do offer some sort of financing,
the fees and interest rates on these plans are often outrageously high.

So before you take out a second mortgage and call in the pros, why not
try casting-out that mean-old demon on your own? It's easier than you
might think!

1.
Try Asking Nicely

When speaking with demons, our first instinct is usually to
scold or curse at them on account of all the mischief they've
caused. This is counterproductive, to say the least. Since darklings
feed on negative energy, insults often have the effect of emboldening
them. Some elder demons even derive sexual pleasure from it. Suffice it
to say that when dealing with Dark Ones, it's probably best keep one's
negativity to oneself. Unless of course one is fond of helping
mephistophelian hellbeasts get their rocks off, in which case
one should feel free to go right ahead.

And anyway, even if you did
somehow manage to piss off a demon, it's not like it'd
just throw up its ethereal hands and leave. If anything it's probably
stick around longer out of spite.

My point here is: Why not try some compassion? Politely ask
the demon to leave. They may very well say no, but at least you will
have tried.

2. Gather a Posse

If the spirit still refuses to leave after you've asked nicely, you're
going to need help, so you may as well assemble a posse. I'd
suggest four virginal Christian men who
are stout of heart, sound of mind, and pure of spirit.

3. Determine The Demon's True Name

Like undercover narcotics officers, demons are obligated by law to
reveal their true identities upon request. Unfortunately, many demons
use the near-anonymity of a possession as an excuse to flout the
rules. But know this: If a demon refuses to provide you with its name
upon request (or gives a name you know to be false) they are violating
FCC guidelines and could face
punishment (up to and including termination).

If you feel a demon may be lying to, ask to speak their a
supervisor. If they refuse, simply record their phone number, the time
of the call, and any other information that might assist federal
investigators in tracking down and citing this creature.

4. Read Scripture

Take turns reading passages from the bible to the possessed person.
Almost any portion will do, but try to stay away from the Old
Testament, as this will usually be a demon's favorite part. It's best
to stick to those overlong, draggy New Testament passages that drone on
about love and faith and bread being handed out to lepers, etc. Many
demons will become so annoyed at having
to listen to these passages that they will simply de-posses the person
and leave the room rather than sit through another second of it.

5. Douse The Victim in Holy Fluids

If there's one thing an evil spirit hates more than anything,
it's holy
liquids. So it stands to reason that pouring these types of things over
the possessed person would be a good way to drive a demon from their
body. Now you might be wondering: "Just what exactly constitutes a
'Holy' Fluid?" The official answer to this question is not entire
entirely clear, but the Catholic Church defines "Holy Fluids" as "any
liquid which is excreted or discharged from an orifice belonging to a
figure of religious significance."

So the tears of a Pope, for example, would be considered an excellent
holy fluid. They would likely be extremely effective in driving-out any
of your lesser demonic entities (up to and including hobgoblins).

Obviously it's unlikely that you have access to pope's tears though, so
here are just a few more examples of holy fluids which would be
appropriate for exorcisms:

An Archbishop's Spittle

Seepage from the Pineal Gland of a Rabbi

Pus From The Gaping Chest Wound of a Episcopalian Minister

The Cerebrospinal Fluid of a Cardinal

Sweat from The Inner Thigh of St. Thomas Aquinas

The Gastric Juices of a Buddhist Monk

A Vial of Billy Graham's Semen

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS?

I'm not gonna lie: If a professional exorcism is out of your price
range and an at-home exorcism proves ineffective, you're probably
screwed. Realistically, you are probably not going to get rid of that
demon. I'm not saying it's impossible
or anything, but
it's highly unlikely.

I mean, listen: Demonology is still a relatively new field of study;
you can't expect it to provide all the answers right away. It just
isn't realistic. I think all you can really do is take matters into
your own hands and test various exorcism methods. Get creative! Move to
sunny southern California, sleep in a church, listen to Christian rock
incessantly, I don't know.

Ooh, how about this? You could try putting yourself into a coma. That
might work. It seems like demons need a lot of mental stimulation, so
maybe it'd eventually get bored of haunting your comatose body and
leave. A full-body cast might even be enough. Maybe try that out and
let me know how it goes.