Who would have guessed it? Turns out 2010 isn't going to be a lot like Arthur C. Clarke predicted when he wrote 2010: Odyssey Two back in 1982. We don't co-own half of the universe with the Soviets (yet), and we aren't hanging out with gaseous life forms on Jupiter. Bummer. That being said, we do have a black president and we still love a good party. So all is not lost. Celebrate the coming of the epic year that is 2010 with the best—and weirdest—New Year's Eve parties Portland has to offer.

The Year We Make Contact… On The Dance Floor

BranxElectropoppers Lovers, plus a grip of DJs, join in for a hot-'n'-sweaty party for everyone, no matter your age, race, gender or sexuality. Er, actually, age does matter. 320 SE 2nd Ave. 9 pm. $8. 21+.

Dots CafeDJ T-1-11 spins tunes that the Southeast hipster-dive promises will make the place go "from intelligent to unintelligible." And the best part? It's free! 2521 SE Clinton St. 235-0203. 9 pm. Free. 21+.

Egyptian RoomThe cheap admission ticket covers a snack buffet, midnight champagne toast, early morning breakfast, and all the dancing and karaoke you can get in before 4 am. They also promise "wall-to-wall women." Niiice. 3701 SE Division St., 236-8689. 7 pm. $7 in advance, $10 at the door. 21+. Tickets available at eroompdx.com.

Fez BallroomRing in the future in futuristic style with DJ Gregarious and DJ Carrion. "You will dance. You will be assimilated." 318 SW 11th Ave., 221-7262. 9 pm. $10. 21+.Tickets at brownpapertickets.com/event/90366.

The GoodfootThe club puts together a makeshift band outta its favorite musical regulars. The Goodfoot All Stars will play a (mostly) funk revue and will feature members from Everyone Orchestra, the Headhunters, Leftover Salmon and more. 2845 SE Stark St., 239-9292. 9 pm. $12. 21+.

HoloceneWe promise Reporter's electric dance-pop will get you jumping—the band has even been known to perform on trampolines. 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 8 pm. $10 advance, $15 door. 21+.

Norse HallSwing-dance your way into the new year with the Art Abrams Swing Machine Big Band. 111 NE 11th Ave. 236-3401. 9 pm. $35. All ages.

RottureFist-pump and ass-shake your way into 2010 and get rowdy with Japanther, Jaguar Love and their buddies at the best hipster dance party of the night. 315 SE 3rd Ave., 234-5683. 8 pm. $10. 21+. Tickets at brownpapertickets.com/event/91246.

Wonder BallroomVJ KittyRox throws you a dance party. Oh, but it's not just a dance party! It's a music video and light show all set to the backbeat of your favorite '80s dance jams. Pretty rad. 128 NE Russell St., 284-8686. 9 pm. $7. 21+.

AndinaChoose from one of the restaurant's three-course prix fixe dinner options, all packed with Peruvian flavor and wine to accompany. Music by the Tracy Kim Trio and Sambafeat throughout the night. 1314 NW Glisan St., 228-9535. $75-$85, call for seating times/reservations. 21+.

AquarivaThe Italian prix fixe four-course dinner price also includes a champagne toast and entry to see the Norman Sylvester Band play jazz till midnight at this riverside restaurant. Or, skip the dinner and just drink and dance for 20 bucks at the door. 0470 SW Hamilton Court, 802-5850. Dinner at 5 pm, music at 9:30 pm. $52 per person. 21+.

BeastA decadent six courser—truffles, caviar and lobster included—with an early 5 pm start time so you can party hop on a full stomach. 5425 NE 30th Ave., 841-6968. 5 pm. 9 pm seating waitlist only. $150 per person, wine included.

BiwaFive courses of yummy Japanese food is enough to make us say "Akemashite omedetou gozaimasu!" (And now you know how to say Happy New Year in Japanese.) 215 SE 9th Ave., 239-8830. $55 per person, $30 additional for sake pairings. All ages.

Lauro KitchenSay goodbye to 2009 with some of the most nicely priced, first-class dishes in the city, from black cod with yam and pistachio cous cous to Kumamoto oysters and chocolate amarena cherry trifle. 3377 SE Division St., 239-7000. Special menu prices. All ages.

MetrovinoIf your partner doesn't eat things with a face and your motto is "the bloodier the better," you're in luck. Metrovino offers two different five-course dinners: one for veggies and one for carnivores. 1139 NW 11th Ave., 517-7778. $55 for vegetarian menu, $75 for meat menu. All ages.

Noble Rot's New Year's Rotten Eve PartyTickets for this party at the Rot's new sky-high digs include tasty food, two drink coupons, sweet tunes, party favors, bubbly at midnight and prizes for the "sassiest" attire. So, get sassy, guys. 1111 E Burnside St., 233-1999. 9 pm. $75 per person. 21+.

NostranaFeaturing a seven-course Venetian feast highlighting Italian food believed to bring you good luck in the new year. 1404 SE Morrison St., 234-2427. 5 pm. $50 per person. All ages.

Salty's on the ColumbiaCount down to 2010 with a coconut-crusted prawn in one hand and a flute of bubbly in the other. It's a fancysurf-and-turf menu served with a stunning view of the Columbia River on the side. 3839 NE Marine Drive, 288-4444. 5-10 pm. $47.95-$89.95. 21+.

Simpatica Dining HallA five-course prix fixe dinner with a reasonable price—though it doesn't include booze and doesn't give you options for each course. That said, who would choose anything other than the lobster-claw ravioli with fennel broth and salt-cured foie gras? 828 SE Ash St., 235-1600. $75 per person. All ages.

Teardrop Cocktail LoungeA prix fixe dinner with each of the five courses paired with high-class, inventive cocktails. Get full and drunk for the price of one! 1015 NW Everett St., 445-8109. 6 pm seating. $100 per person. 21+.

Arlene Schnitzer Concert HallLove China so much you want to see her twice in one night? Here's your chance. Pink Martini puts on an early show for your grandma and a late show for your mom. 1037 SW Broadway, 248-4335. 7 and 10:30 pm. $20-$75. All ages.

Dante'sIf your taste in music is a little too diverse for normal NYE parties, Dante's presents Satan's Pilgrims, the Romanes, Church of Surf and DJ Aquaman. Four very different performances, all on one stage. 1 SW 3rd Ave., 226-6630. 9 pm. $15. 21+.

Doug Fir LoungeQuasi, Portland's gold standard of indiedom, reveals a set devoted entirely to songs by the Who. We can only hope that includes Sam Coomes rockin' "Pinball Wizard" on electric keyboard. 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663. 9 pm. $13 in advance, $15 at the door. 21+. Get tickets at ticketswest.com.

Red RoomThink you're too heavy-metal for Portland? Wrong. Mentors grace us for New Year's with some of their heartfelt tunes, such as "I'm a Pervert" and "Stripper Polls." 2530 NE 82nd Ave., 256-3399. 8 pm. $7. 21+.

Someday LoungePortland favorites the Fix and Lifesavas come together with out-of-towners Platinum Pied Pipers for a very hip-hop NYE. Funk, soul and bangin' beats should be bumping all night. 125 NW 5th Ave., 248-1030. 9 pm. $20 in advance, $25 at the door. 21+. Tickets at somedaylounge.com.

Tony Starlight's Supper ClubChoose from three different options for the night: one with a five-course prix fixe, one with an early show and seating, or one with a late show and seating, all with great live jazz throughout the night. 3728 NE Sandy Blvd., 517-8584. 8 and 10:30 pm music shows. $20-$75. 21+.

Courtyard by Marriott and the OriginalTwo new businesses come together for an awesomely fatty NYE package. Two four-course meals and a bottle of bubbly at faux-diner the Original, followed by valet parking and a great room at the newly renovated adjacent hotel. And for cheap, too! 300 SW 6th Ave. 546-2666. Packages start at $199. 21+.

Hotel Fifty & H50 BistroNosh on foie gras bon bons and duck mole in Hotel Fifty's sleek dining room and then tumble into bed next door to celebrate in private—the hotel's Happy New Year package includes two prix fixe dinners, a champagne toast, party favors and late 2 pm checkout the next day. 50 SW Morrison St. Call 484-1415 for dinner reservations, 221-0711 for hotel reservations, hotelfifty.com. $39 prix fixe dinner; hotel package including dinner for two $209 and up.

Hotel LuciaGo old-school with party hats and tooting horns at this stylish downtown hotel. Price also includes hors d'oeuvres, two drink tickets and all the dancing you can handle. Don't want to cab it home afterward? It's offering great room rates for the night. 400 SW Broadway, 225-1717. 8 pm. $35. 21+. Info at hotellucia.com.

McMenamins EdgefieldCelebrate the coming decade by revisiting an old favorite. Overnight guests will get an exclusive free concert by Portland's premier '80s cover band the Breakfast Club. 2126 SW Halsey, Troutdale, 669-8610. Music at 8 pm. Packages $275-$465. 21+.

McMenamins Kennedy SchoolDJ Dr. Theopolis promises a "funkadelic rocking NYE" in the historic theater at the school. Free for overnight guests, the show is $35 for folks who just want to get funky on the dance floor and leave the beds for the superfreaks. 5736 NE 33rd Ave., 249-3983. Packages $395-$410. 21+.

The NinesFall into a Wonderland-themed party, including a Mad Hatter tea table, a huge marching band and stilt walkers. Then retire to a hotel room that's the same color as Alice's classic dress. 525 SW Morrison St., 877-229-9995. 9 pm. Party and room packages start at $299. 21+. Info at thenines.com.

A Very Brody New YearThe Brody crew celebrates its first year in its downtown digs with a big New Year's improv bash with performances for all its ensemble members—full bar available and free food included. Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 224-2227. brodytheater.com. 8:30 pm. $12, $9 students. All ages.

BarFly Bus TourLeave the driving to the professionals and get chauffeured around to eight or so bars where the cover charges are paid for by BarFly. You'll also get New Year's paraphernalia and some bubbly at midnight—and a Jersey Shore-sized hangover. BarFly Bus departure location revealed only to ticket holders. Call 813-9999 for info. 7 pm. $25. 21+. Tickets at barflymag.com.

Comedy SportzThe sketch pros at ComedySportz have played more than 3,000 shows since the group was founded in 1993, so you can be sure they know what they're doing. Start the new year off right—by laughing your ass off. 1963 NW Kearney St., 236-8888, portlandcomedy.com. Shows at 7, 9 and 11 pm. $12.

A Rip City New Year'sA party hosted by B Roy, L.A., Oden, Bayless and Webster? The only thing that would entice us more than the prospect of Blazers is free grub. Wait—that's included too?! Dude. The Agency, 1939 SW Morrison St., 548-2921. 9 pm. $25 advance tickets, $35 at the door. 21+.

VoiceboxIf you're more of a Mariah Carey crooner than a Ginger Rogers mover, skip the dancing and sing your way into the new year in one of Voicebox's personal karaoke boxes. Hourly bubbly top-off included! 2112 NW Hoyt St., 303-8220. $100-$175 per hour, per room. Reservations required. Open at 6 pm. 21+.