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Thursday, February 3, 2011

Finding my Feet

We have a different definition of "snake handlers" around here.

There's a lot going on in my world. There's my not-very-happy job change I alluded to previously. There's my trying to get into school, which I haven't talked about much because I feel like I've been talking about it with no change for like, a year, so maybe I'm jinxing myself by talking at all. There's the fact that I am no longer employed only part time, so I have this tendency to look at the clock and think, "Frak! Seven? How is it seven? Wasn't it just 2?" Actually, I almost never think the word frak, but I'm trying to be family-friendly here.

I feel a bit like I'm floundering. I actually wrote this whole post last night and then thankfully deleted my insanity. Last night it was about how useless I feel, how hopeless. How I used to think of myself as a fairly competent person. An intelligent girl who could and would take on the world. Someone who had most of it figured out and only "most" because the people who have it all figured out are obnoxious. But now I feel like I can barely tie my shoes. "I'm losing it," I wrote. "And 'it' is everything by which I used to identify myself. My primary defining factors have always been my abilities and since they seem to be dwindling, I feel like I no longer know myself."

Which is beyond pathetic and that's why I deleted it. But still... But still...

I was reading all about the whole astrology sitting on its head thing earlier in the week. Now to put this in context, you should know a few things about me. I am a Leo. I have no idea what that means. I don't know what the defining characteristics of a Leo are, who Leos should marry, what we should do with our lives. I haven't read a horoscope since high school. (Okay, okay, I used to work with a woman who read mine to me everyday, but I don't count that.) I am not an astrology person, is what I'm saying here. I may believe in ghosts, but I don't believe in the stars.

So, anyway, this whole adding a constellation thing makes me a Cancer. If you believe those who think we should change, which as far as I can tell is a bored guy in Minnesota. For some reason, this has thrown me into a tail spin. I have spent the whole week obsessively researching this (how long has it been going on, what are alternate sign charts, what are the characteristics of a Leo, of a Cancer, blah-de-blah-blah). And the whole time the echoing voice in my head has demanded - Why do you care????

And I have no answer. Except that I feel like I'm not who I think I am. And I guess, timing wise, this has just appealed to a little part of me that was already freaking out. (It doesn't help that I think I am more Cancer-like, now that I've done all the crazy research.)
I told my boss the other day when she was questioning what I had accomplished the other day that I had been busy, "finding my feet," for most of the day. I'm not sure she liked that answer, but it was the only one I had. I sorted through email and decided what needed to be kept and what could be gotten rid of. I went through two inboxes and did the same. I compiled multiple to do lists into one master to do and threw out old files and scraps of paper. I didn't really accomplish much, but I put my pictures of my kids on my desk and then I found what I should be doing now. (Which is probably not writing this blog post, by the way.)

I feel like that in all aspects of my life right now. Like I'm finding my feet, piecing together something that looks more like my life and my self. Last night I was down about the prospects of making that work, but today I am feeling more optimistic. Okay, I may not be who I always was, but that's okay, because I didn't really like her life much anyway. I'll keep the good and ditch the bad and come up with a better person, I hope. One who may have a little less figured out, but knows who she is.

5 comments:

I don't have much interest in star signs, but I've wrestled with a few issues of identity and confidence in the past year. Life has always involved an element of evolution and re-invention for me - sometimes for the better, others less so. I feel perhaps I'm reaching an answer for myself. I hope you are reaching yours.

I'm with you.. when you are busy trying to be so many people for everyone else...you lose yourself. I think I'm finding myself again but I've been this...unknown person..too many times and it's hard to get the ones you love to see your struggles and understand. But I'm here for you..I understand. I love you. Call me if you want to vent or hang out!

You know, things have gotten a lot easier for me this winter, and I think it's because my youngest is 3 years old and finally a tad more independent. I can't help but think it'll get easier yet when she's in school (I mean, I know that comes with complications, but in terms of independence...) It's different when you're balancing a full-time job on top of parenting responsibilities, but I still wonder if some of these things will sort themselves out when Maren is a bit older?