Flying Jokes

Contents

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*** Updated 6 May 2015 ***

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After
it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York
to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a
smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of
mine!"

****************************************

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult
to fly there.

********************************************************

A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain:
Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do.

********************************************************

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th
unsuccessful landing (bolter): You've got to land here, son. This is
where the food is.

I over heard this while on ground control in MIA.
VIRGIN Flt: "Every time I come to MIA you women controllers give us a
hard time."
ATC: "For the nine years I have been a controller, I have never had a
problem handling a VIRGIN."

********************************************************

A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies.
So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess
who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

********************************************************

Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the
right."
Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't
see the bear yet."

********************************************************

A female pilot at Sydney's Bankstown airport was in a hurry to get
airborne, she made the following request: "Bankstown Tower Cessna ABC
requests an intersexual departure runway 29R."
Almost straight away ATC reply: "ABC, The full length is available."

The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose
to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller (a female)
screamed: "[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on
'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there"
Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted:
"You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You
stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got
that?"
Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot
broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

********************************************************

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his
approach speed just a little too high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.
If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a
right at the light to return to the airport."

********************************************************

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was
being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727,
one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu,
eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern
drawl): "Well...we've got something down there. Can't quite tell if
it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

********************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the
way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report
from Eastern?"

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747
(call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to
a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have
never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type
of Boeing... but I didn't stop."

********************************************************

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance
in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior
crew member. This was the conversation I overheard:
Lufthansa (In German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (In English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (In English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer): "Because
you lost the bloody war!"

********************************************************

More from our "Don't get wise with us" file:

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney,
Australia, Approach Control ...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out
and have your island in sight ..."

Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice,
then it's okay to land."

********************************************************

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff, when another man
with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the
middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the
second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best
there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first
man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps
down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds.
It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He
says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat
number, for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about,
sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places
both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is
carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat
number." "I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down
the plane aisle, and after a while sits down next to someone, and then
comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the
place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What
the heck is going on?" The handler nervously replies "He just found a
bomb!"

********************************************************

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket
for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then
looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the
first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she
moves forward to the last empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her
the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful,
and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the
way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to
the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain
goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy.
Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way.The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the
cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot
says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the
problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the
blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I
understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the
economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with
rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He
replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to
New York."

****************************************

The Balair charter flight home had been a long one. The passengers
had got a bit bored over the second half and cockpit visits were taking
place.After a while the crew were getting tired of this, so when the
steward asked for "just one more", the captain told him to show the
passenger the cockpit himself and then they were going to descend.As they went through the plates, the crew heard something like, "So
this is the captain on the left - the sexual adviser on the right and
the flight engineer here behind. Now, these instruments in the middle
are.." "excuse me, what did you say the man on the right was?" asked the
passenger. "The sexual adviser." answered the steward "Now - these
levers here are......" "I am sorry to interrupt again" said the pax but
do mean to tell me that you carry a sexual adviser on your crews?" The
steward looked blankly at him. "Well I presumed so!" he answered - "At
least, every time he opens his mouth, the captain says 'When I need your
Fucking Advice, I'll ask you for it!

*****************************************

Once upon a time BA and Virgin decided to have a boat race on the
Thames. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach peak performance. On
the big day they were as ready as could be and Virgin won by a length.
BA were discouraged and senior management set up a project to
investigate the problem. Its conclusion was that the Virgin team had 8
people rowing and one person steering. The BA team had one person rowing
and eight people steering. Senior management immediately hired
consultants to study team performance. Millions of pounds were spent and
several months later they concluded that there were too many people
steering and not enough rowing. The following year the team structure
was changed to 4 steering managers, 3 senior steering managers and one
executive steering manager. A performance/appraisal system was set up to
give the rower more incentive to work harder and become a key performer.
They concluded he must be given empowerment and enrichment. The next
year the big day arrived and Virgin duly won. BA laid off the rower for
poor performance, sold off the paddles, cancelled capital investment and
halted development of the new boat. Then they gave high performance
awards to the consultants and distributed the money saved among senior
management.

****************************************

Royalty

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who was just as obviously enjoying himself.

He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated
beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just
put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a
muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I
asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on
the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one!"

"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you.
Put up the tray, bitch!"

****************************************

Hear the one about the new hostie who didn't socialise and failed to
turn up for transport after her first night stop? The purser went to her
room and found her in floods of tears. She explained that she had been
trapped in her room all night. How come? Of the three doors in her room,
one led to the bathroom, one led to the wardrobe and the third had a
sign on the handle saying "Do not disturb"

****************************************

Q. How do you stop a Flight Attendant from having an orgasm?

A. Press the F/A Call Button - She'll never come.

****************************************

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had
something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink
jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a
couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels,
in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then
The phone rings... It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No..."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!

****************************************

A hosti was out golfing one day off when she hit her ball into the
woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you 3 wishes." The hosti freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you
wish for, your captain will get 10 times more or better!" The hosti said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she
wanted to be the most beautiful hosti in the world - beautiful enough to
make people stop flying SQ. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your captain the most
handsome pilot in the world, an Adonis, that other hosties will flock
to." The hosti replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most
beautiful hosti and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful hosti in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest hosti in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your captain the richest pilot in the
world and he will be ten times richer than you." The hosti said, "That will be okay because I'm such a devoted hosti
that what is mine is my captain's and what is my captain's is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest hosti in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd
like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story : Hosties are clever bitches. Don't **** with them

****************************************

Did you hear about the Australian Capt.. and his British FO who
arrived at the pearly gates ? St Peter processed them in and told them
to go to the next room along and pick up their clocks. "Clocks ?" asked
the FO - "Yes, you get a nice carriage clock as a souvenir of your time
on Earth" replied St Peter. So they go into the clock room, and the FO
picks up the clock with his name on it, which has stopped at the time he
died. He notices that other clocks are still going, and the hands on
some occasionally jump 15 minutes at a time. He asks St Peter why, and
is told a little known fact, that when someone masturbates, it actually
takes 15 minutes off their life so the hands of the clock move round
accordingly. The Capt. is having a hard time locating his clock when St.
Peter slaps his head and says "I'm sorry, I should have told you we keep
Australian's clocks in a different room - we find they make excellent
ceiling fans.."

****************************************

So the BirdSeed 747 is inbound to LHR after a looooong all-nighter. The
effoh is rubbing his neck and looking miserable. The ever so senior
Captain asks what the matter is. The effoh reports that his neck is
hurting after such a long time in the seat. The Captain obviously
related to this, and said "Ah yes my boy - I often get the same trouble.
I have my own way of dealing with it - works every time." Effoh - "Pray
sire - tell me your cure" Captain - "Well lad, I get in the Beemer, and
while I am driving home I call the old girl, tell her to get the hot-tub
ready, and fix me a huge Bloody Mary, and to get in the best lingerie
that I have bought her. Then I get home, wallow in the tub, have my
drink, and then I get out and bonk her rotten, then sleeping with my
head using her huge bosoms for a pillow. You should try that!" A couple
of weeks later they are flying again, and the Captain remembers the
conversation. "Well lad - did you try my cure for neck pain?" Effoh -
"Yes sir!" Captain - "And what did you think?" Effoh - "Well sir,
everything went just as you suggested. I have to say you have a lovely
hot-tub!"

****************************************

Okay then, a new one. Well, new to me anyway. This unemployed CPL is
looking for work when he gets a call from the Malaysian government.
"We've got a problem with fires and smoke and stuff, hows about you come
out and fly our Pawnees? All the flying you want, loads of free food and
beer, good girls and best of all, money!!". So the chap thinks it over
and then jumps on the nearest Virgin and off he goes. Time passes. About
three weeks later he's told to take the Pawnee away for a break and a
500 hour check (500 hours in 3 weeks being about right there). On the
way he is overcome with tiredness and has to land in a field of grass.
Except that's it's rice and rather wet. He gets out of the plane and
lies on the wing, oblivious to his surroundings. Suddenly, out of the
distance comes a big white Toyota land Cruiser, and in it is an 18 year
old beauty. Blonde hair, blue eyes, nice white clothes etc. fantasy etc.
The girl insists our hero join her in the farm house, away from the
field and the snakes etc. On the way she tells him her dad is away and
she's alone on her own in the house. At length, hero goes to bed, only
to be disturbed a while later by a knock on the door. "it's me " the
girl squeals, "I'm lonely" Our hero says to go away - he being a brave
pilot type and scared of her dad. "No, let me in " she insists "My dad
would want it". Our boy has to relent and he lets her in - she is
wearing very little, nice see through nighty, good body etc. fantasy
etc. She gets in beside him and he turns away, as a gesture of
gentlemanliness. "Come here" she pleads "I haven't seen a naked man
before". "No" he insists "go to sleep, I'm a professional and I'm tired"
"Please" she says, "if you don't I'll tell dad you made me!" so, in
deference to a failed situation, our hero rolls over the girl... and
falls off the wing of the Pawnee and into the paddy field!

****************************************

One fine and glorious morning, Capt. Heavy about to enjoy his days off,
leans over his bed and kisses his wife on the cheek. Slapping her firmly
on the bottom, he says "I'm off to the Links to play 9 holes." "Promise
me you'll only play 9!" she demands. "Absolutely, my love." he assures
her. Meeting up with his mates at the local course they head out to the
first tee. Just past midday our golfers show up at the clubhouse for a
few pints. Things get a little carried away and after a couple of beers
this gaggle of buxom young ladies turn up . As luck would have it, our
Captain hits it off with this young, blonde-haired, blue-eyed sweetheart
and before you know it she's inviting him back to her place for some
snoggin'. A wild and passionate afternoon unfolds and they eventually
fall asleep in one another's arms. Later, he jumps out of bed and looks
at his watch. "Oh my GAWD!!! It's four thirty!!!" "Gotta run love" he
tells her and shoots out the door struggling to get dressed. Driving
home, he can't quite come up with a believable story' for his wife.
"What am I going to tell her?" he asks himself. "Stuff it. We've been
married to long for stories. I'll just tell her the truth and hope she
understands." Shooting through the front door, his wife immediately
demands, "Where have you been?" "Sweetheart, I think you should sit
down. At first I thought I'd just make something up but we've been
together so long I've decided to simply tell you straight out what
happened." "I'm listening" she says. "Well, I met up with the boys for 9
holes and we finished just after midday. After that we went into the
clubhouse for a couple of beers where I met this gorgeous young blonde
who invited me back to her place for a wild afternoon of lovemaking.
After which we fell asleep. It wasn't till late in the day I awoke and
realized the time. I'm soooooo sorry my darling. Can you ever forgive
me?" She sat back in her chair and looked him straight in the eye and
said, "You lying bastard. You played 18 holes. Didn't you?"

****************************************

It seems a 727 crew had a bad day out and the poor buggers slogged into
a paddy and bit the big one. The Captain F/O and S/O were, subsequent to
the crash, walking up to the pearly gates to discuss their fate with the
Guardian At the Gate. The Captain, being from the old school and not
well versed in CRM told his mates to wait where they were for a blink
while he sorted things out with the angel at the gate. The captain,
discusses the situation for awhile and comes back to the two and tells
them that he's got a little good news and a little bad news. The F/O and
S/O both insist on the bad news first. "Well" he says, "the bad news is
that any extra marital affairs we have had bar our entry into paradise."
The F/O and the S/O start to walk away quite upset and wondering what an
eternity in Hades is going to be like. The captain says "wait a minute
mates don't you want to hear the good news?" "Layovers, don't count."

****************************************

Seems this poor sod Crashes his jet and is sent to hell straight away.
Upon reaching Hades he is met by Lucifer himself who places him in a
circular room with three doors. Satan tells our poor friend that he has
to choose his particular hell from whats behind door 1 or door 2. And
being a kind and decent sort the devil says that he may even peek into
each door. Well, the first door is continuous SIM for eternity with some
crank of an instructor and multiple unrelated emergencies. Behind the
second door he sees himself repeating a horrific crash over and over for
eternity. Either choice not very appealing. The devil says that he will
be right back and our pilot friend has 5 minutes to make up his mind.
Curious about door number 3 he takes a peek and sees a 47 captain he
once knew engaged in various unnatural sex acts with a bevy of gorgeous
women. The devil comes back and asks if he has made up his mind. He
replies that he has and that he would like what is behind door number 3.
The devil says oh, you can't have that....that's flight attendant hell.

****************************************

What does a BA Captains wife do to her arsehole before having sex? -
Drop him off at the airport!

****************************************

Our heavy Commander on his last flight before retirement was not looking
forward to hanging up his hat. Quite depressed upon arriving at the
hotel one of the more lovely stews asks him if he would like to end his
career with a bang, nudge, nudge. Our Commander wastes no time and joins
the young lady in her room. After our intrepid Commander is done the
young lady exclaims "Captain that was the best I've ever had, do you
think you could manage to do that again?". "Certainly my dear, just hold
it with both hands and wake me in 15 min." was his reply. While thinking
this is odd she does as requested and 15 min. later they're at it again.
Once more our Hostie is amazed by her Captain's performance and asks if
he could possibly manage one more go. "Certainly my dear, hold it with
both hands and wake me in 15 min.". Again thinking this odd she goes
through the same routine. Now after a couple more romps she finally
asks," Captain does my holding on to your wedding tackle somehow give
you extra energy ?". " No", said the Captain ,"but the last hostie I
shagged stole my wallet."

****************************************

Heard this one the other day:
a BA flight, a
gorgeous female pax asks to sit in the jump seat for landing. After
arrival, she stands up and leaves.
As soon as the flight deck door closes, the FO takes the cushion from
the jump seat, holds it to his nose and inhales deeply.
The captain is outraged. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"
"Sorry sir," says the FO. Hands the cushion to the captain. "You first!"

****************************************

Only three things my F/O should ever say:

Yes sir
You are right

& I'll take the fat one.

****************************************

Back in the days of the 707, a transoceanic flight was well out of
sight of land when there was an announcement over the PA system.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. We've just had to
shut down one engine due to a malfunction. There is no reason to be
alarmed as we are perfectly capable of continuing the flight on the
three remaining engines, although we may be a little late arriving in
New York."

There was a slight murmur from the pax, but they remained calm and the
flight continued. A few hours later:-

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain again. Unfortunately we've
had to shut down a second engine which will necessitate us descending to
a lower level, and again we will lose some more time meaning we will be
somewhat late arriving in New York. Sincere apologies for any
inconvenience and would those with connecting flights please inform an
air hostess. There is no reason to be alarmed however and we will
continue onwards to New York"

There was more mutterings in the pax cabin but mostly people were
reasonably calm.

Some minutes later:-

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain again...I'm sorry to say but
we appear to have lost the third engine and we will be commencing a
fairly rapid descent...please fasten your seatbelts and obey all
instructions from the cabin staff, thank you."

By now the cabin was fairly noisy as people began asking what was going
on. The hostesses went through the cabin checking everyone's seatbelt
was fastened. Tension began to mount. Just a few more minutes went by
when:-

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain speaking yet again...well, we
have now lost all four engines and the aircraft is now gliding towards
the sea for an emergency landing."
There was a slight pause, then "Passengers on the left side of the
aircraft seated at window-seats will observe a small orange liferaft on
the surface of the water...and I am speaking to you from that liferaft!"

****************************************

Back in the 1970s, automation was creeping into many of the systems
associated with large airliners. One day after the boffins and engineers
had laboured mightily for many weeks, a fully-loaded Convair 880 took
off from Heathrow bound for New York. The cabin crew did the normal safety demonstration and the aircraft
taxied out to the active runway, lined up and took off in the usual
manner. As the Convair climbed through about 26,000 feet, an announcement
came from the flight-deck:-

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome onboard this the first fully-automated
transatlantic flight from London to New York. So advanced are the
automatic systems onboard this specially-equipped Convair 880, there is
no actual flight crew onboard in the flight-deck, the door to which is
therefore locked. The entire flight-plan, with all imaginable
contingencies, has been programmed into quadruplicated flight management
computers, all backup systems are duplicated and there is a fifth,
entirely separate set of automatic systems in case of any unforeseen
problems. So relax, sit back, enjoy the cabin service from our excellent
crew, and again we hasten to assure any of you who may feel slightly
apprehensive about this flight that nothing, I repeat, absolutely
nothing can go wrong...go wrong...go wrong...go wrong...go wrong..."