Big Changes Ahead

{Awkward Silence}… things have been a wee bit quiet around here… The last few months have been a season of reflection for me. Truth be told, I’m still in the midst of it… things are likely to be quiet here for a little while longer – when Ava started back at kindy for the year, it really hit me that at the end of this year, she will be a ‘big-school-girl’ – I will be the Mama of a school kid!!! The realisation has made me want to close the computer and just connect with my littles in a more intentional way. I am trying my hardest not to try to pack 100 things in to each day, and just enjoy this time I have with them, while they are all so small…

Our family has been in the ‘dependent pre-schooler’ phase for going on five years now… when I sit and think about having the girls so close in age, sometimes I truly wonder what I/we were thinking. As the stay-at-home parent, I can’t deny that it has been a challenging path. A path that I am still navigating as I try to find the balance between doing the best by my kiddies and also finding my own personal fulfillment – nurturing my other relationships, and finding the things that define me in ways other than ‘Mama’. It is a real juggling act. Some parents I know seem to have it all worked out. I watch in awe as they seem to walk the path so easily/confidently… my mind constantly searching to see how it’s possible – how do I make it possible?!? – but it may be just my cloudy perception – I imagine that most young families face similar challenges as they find a happy balance for it all.

Throughout 2011 I built huge castles in the sky – dreams of ‘Having it all’… having all that I imagined this life could be, and having it in a metaphoric instant. I began 2012 ready to ‘do’… ready to set all my dreams in motion… and then one day while dropping Ava off at kindy, I had a quick 5 minute chat with one of the other Mamas (her youngest has just started school – and so she now is the Mama of 3 school-aged kiddies!) – and she said something that at first I just dismissed with a smile and nod. Without realising it, I actually took her comment home with me… and it must have sat in my heart for a week or two, before I understood that her words had such a truth for me – something that I really needed to listen to.

Basically she told me, that this season of my life is not about me. It’s about my girls. Before I know it they will be big and won’t need me so much anymore. If I don’t pay attention now, I won’t know what I missed.

So, this is what I’ve decided… all those big plans of mine can wait. I can still chip away at them… I can still write to you in this space, and craft ’til my heart’s content, and build those big castles in the sky… but I’m in no hurry (something I really need to tell myself on a hourly daily basis!) … I’ve got three super-gorgeous girls who think I’m the Bees’ Knees. God knows that’s not going to last forever – so I may as well make the most of it while I can. All those things I want to write about here about making magic every day – I’m going to spend the next couple of years really living it… and I will do what I can, when I can – but not so that I’m driving myself slowly round the bend.

So all my goals and timelines and measurable milestones – those are all out the window… this space will now be taking on a much more organic feel… it’s going to be hit and miss (much like my garden), I’m going to work with my own family’s seasons and run with it, and you never know (just like my garden) one day I might find a gigantic pumpkin growing out of the compost heap! (odd comment, yes… but it’s late and seems like an apt metaphor right now!)

So with that, very long and rambly (perhaps not entirely necessary) insight into my head, I do have a bit of other news/announcement … do you remember when I mentioned this course I was taking: Your Darling Blog?? Yes, well the course has finished, and I have an almost finalised design (can’t stop tweaking!!) …And although I mentioned in an earlier paragraph wanting to stay sane, I am going to do the exact opposite (laughing in the face of sanity!) and attempt to write the code for the redesign myself… this has the potential for MANY Bad Things to happen… I haven’t even contemplated the possibilities for too long, but it includes a small to large chance of losing EVERYTHING!! (gasp!) … with that said, I will plod forwards… so think of this as a very long-winded explanation that if you come to visit and things look wonky/half-finished/ugly/just plain crazy… that *hopefully* it is all part of the ‘makeover process’.

Alright, as I can’t seem to stop rambling… I’m just going to make myself say goodbye for now. I guess I’ll see ya when I see ya!

9 Responses to “Big Changes Ahead”

March 22, 2012 at 12:09 pm, Sheree said:

Oh bless ya babe. Bought a tear to my eye that did. You are so right in every way. Cherish these super special years. This feeling you have is something I will one day feel and can’t wait too! xxxxxxxxxxxx

oh, yes, those early years are so intense, and so important, the foundation for everything. i loved them, but they were hard. when my first was 3.5 i knew i wanted another babe. when my second was 3.5 i knew i wanted — my own work. not all the time, but increasingly i could find time for more of myself and my projects. i’m still squeezing it all in between family life, but those early days are mad crazy in such a different way! it will be your time very soon. xx