Thursday, 28 February 2008

I want to share an amazing experience with you that just happened to me.

I have just spent 2 days in the Emergency room. (I'll type more about that tomorrow. Its 2 a.m. right now, and I have good news about that).

Just a few minutes ago I was talking to a friend on yahoo messenger and I passed out, and my head was on "enter", so it kept entering my name 100 times without any message beside my name. When I woke up, there was a yahoo message from another friend telling me she just found out today that she had a certain disease and that she was very scared and needed prayer. I was able to tell her everything about that disease and that its very easily cured, and I was able to save her from weeks of worrying until further test results came back! So God even used my illness to help someone! Isn't that amazing??

It seems my feeble pain-ridden mind needs to be reminded often that there is a reason for EVERYTHING. Even passing out on the keyboard, or dialing a wrong number that turned out to become a friend. lol.

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

At last I am getting my sense of humor back, and my moods are not as deep and dark and anxious as before. I don't know what changed it, but I am thankful for it. The more stress your life has, the more you need to break loose and act a little crazy. If you don't act crazy, then you'll go crazy, and if you go crazy, you can't act crazy, because you'll BE crazy. And if you understood that, you just might be getting as crazy as me. Yup, I've finally lost it, and don't want to find it. This is much better. I live in my own little world but its ok they all know me in here. HAHAHAHA~!!

smile! It really does change things! Fake it until you make it! (If you act like the quality you want to develop, you soon will have that quality.)

At least I'm getting my sense of humor back, and my moods are not as deep and dark as before. No matter how stressed life is, you've got to act crazy sometimes. If you don't act crazy, then you'll go crazy, and if you go crazy, you can't act crazy, because you'll BE crazy. And if you understood that, you might want to consider if you are crazy like me. I've finally lost it and I don't want to find it. Insanity is more fun. lol.

Wednesday, 20 February 2008

I give you permission to laugh a lot as you look at these pictures. This is the type of toilet used in wealthier homes and in public toilets in India, Asia and the middle east. You don't use toilet paper, you use water to wash off.

when you get there, keep clicking "next" (top right) to see instructions on how they use their toilet.

I just had to share it with you because my husband just bought 5 "Normal" toilets for the home he lives in. They feel pretty luxurious now. When we had Asian exchange students in our home, one time my parents accidentally walked into the bathroom and found a man squatting over the toilet with his feet on the toilet seat. She left quickly and didn't understand what she had just seen until today when I showed her how he used the toilet in his own country.

The picture in that link is the most luxurious bathroom I have ever seen of all the pictures I have seen of those types of bathroom/toilets. Most are very dirty with water on the floor so your clothes get wet and you pee on your clothes as you squat over the hole to pee. Most don't have water pipes, or hand held showers like this, just a bucket of water and you don't use toilet paper, you wash with water.They actually consider OUR way quite filthy, because we don't wash our bottom after using the toilet. They have a saying "never make love to someone who uses a western toilet unless they shower first."

So this is what my husband deals with. You always remove your pants first so you can squat, so it takes them longer to use the bathroom than us.

***************************** The next time you feel like you can't serve GOD, just remember...

Noah was a drunk Abraham was too old Isaac was a daydreamer Jacob was a liar Leah was ugly Joseph was abused Moses had a stuttering problem Gideon was afraid Samson had long hair and was a womanizer Rahab was a prostitute Jeremiah and Timothy were too young David had an affair and was a murderer Elijah was suicidal Isaiah preached naked Jonah ran from God Naomi was a widow Job went bankrupt Peter denied Christ The Disciples fell asleep while praying Martha worried about everything Mary Magdalene was... The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once Zaccheus was too small Paul was too religious Timothy had an ulcer..AND Lazarus was dead!

Now! No more excuses! God can use you to your full potential.

Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger. And one more thing...Share this with a friend or two... In the Circle of God's love, God's waiting to use your full potential.

1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts. 2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's Me. 3. Growing old is inevitable ... growing UP is optional. 4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. 5. Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted. 6. Do the math .. count your blessings. 7. Faith is the ability to not panic. 8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging. 9. If you worry, you didn't pray . If you pray, don't worry. 10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday. 11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape. 12. The most important things in your house are the people. 13 When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot. 14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry. 15 He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

Have a great day!!! The SON is shining and he can certainly use you! -Unknown

Well, after yet another close call, I am even more sure of being able to trust God. This was a faith building experience. God is watching over us. This can not all be coincidence that people are killed just steps away from him, and he could have been killed.

Today, he was walking downtown, and the army was stopping cars and asking questions, and in 1 car, the driver took off running in my hubby's direction. The army shot the man, and the bullet went through the man into another man pulling a cart on wheels, and killed him too! My husband's face and clothes were covered with his blood and flesh and bone fragments. If that army man would have shot a second sooner, the bullet would have gone through that man and hit my husband instead! This is the second time that it was that close, but he has had other close calls too.

I just want him HERE and out of the cold and the war and the danger, because that country will get even more messed up since the elections 2 days ago. In Pakistan they use both a President and a Prime Minister, who work together. Butte's husband is the one who was voted in, and he and Musharaff can NOT work together , so I think Bhutto's husband will probably be assassinated upon the command of Musharaff.

I asked hubby if he was still shaking, and he said actually he felt fine! WOW! That guy has nerves of steel! Maybe he won't have post traumatic stress disorder as much as I thought; since he can go through that and feel fine.

For 3 years I feared making him unhappy because of my illness, but after what he has been through, he will be happy to be out of there, even if I am sick. Like he and my first husband both said, "There are worse qualities a wife can have than illness. I would rather have a sick wife than a mean or cheating or over-spending wife."

{Thankyou Lord, for protecting my husband, and for all the many blessings you give us, even those we are not aware of.}

I've got skin hunger, like babies get when their mothers don't hold them. I am affectionate and really need my hubby, even if just to hold hands and hold each other...but the rest of the marital relationship is VERY nice, too. lol. *blush* I think women crave affection, skin, and holding more than they crave sex, and men crave sex...period! lol.

This is strange. I HATE GUNS with a passion, yet after I had fallen in love with my first husband, so deep I didn't want to get out, I found out that he and his father are gunsmiths. I was really upset.

I also hate politics. Politicians are SO corrupt, yet it happened again. When I fell in love so much with this husband that I couldn't leave him, I found out he has a master's degree in political science! He loves to study and talk politics. Me, not so much.

Oh well, each husband could have had worse qualities. I have been blessed with good men as husbands. I think my last husband just had a nervous breakdown due to the constant crisises that come into my life. I fear this husband will have the same thing happen to him, but this husband seems much stronger emotionally, and has faith that carries him through the hard times, unlike my first husband.

A few words about

THE GRATITUDE ATTITUDE:

I strongly believe that the more you thank God, the more blessings He will WANT to give you, because there are so few people that ever thank Him for anything. The scriptures say it is his PLEASURE to bless those who love Him, and I find that I am almost pampered by Him because of my gratefulness. I don't always get the things I want or need, but when I pray for something and the answer is "no", I know God has good reason for it. Often I will be thinking of an item I would really like but can't afford, and I will find the perfect size, color, and it's on sale for a price I can afford, almost as if that was dropped out of heaven for me, soon after I thought about wanting it. So he does know our wants and needs and fears and troubles, and wants to help. We just need to practice to feel the Holy Spirit to guide us; to listen to that still, small voice within, and he will comfort us. It does take practice.

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Ohhh gosh how I wish doctors still made house calls. I need a Dr. tonight but can't bear to go out in sub zero weather to get it. Thanks all who mentioned they are praying for me. I'm sure I would be worse without them.

I am quite disgusted with myself right now. I was determined to stay strong spiritually, emotionally, which would make me strong physically, but it's pretty hard when you are in a semi-dark room for weeks, so dizzy that the room is spinning for weeks, so you are not able to eat or walk farther than the bathroom, or even read or watch TV. The dizziness causes horrid nausea, too. I was able to get medicine for it, but its an injection that burns like pure acid and hurts so much when it is injected that it makes me think I'll black out.

Our furnace is in the room right next to mine, and for a few weeks has been SCRREEECHHING, and that noise hits the damaged nerve in my face, causing pain so bad it makes my chest hurt. Being in bed too long makes your muscles deteriorate, so I am so weak that it just frustrates me. I have light weights and a resistance band and pilates exercises that I do from bed to stay strong, but have not even been able to do that.

Maybe if my husband was here, he could distract me enough to help me not get discouraged, and could offer me some positive thoughts when I am too weak to think of them myself. Then again, it just might drive me crazy to know that he needs me to help him, and not be able to do it.

There was a TV show on today about a woman with cancer, who had unbearable pain, nausea, dizziness, same as me, but she had family with her, and hospice workers, and supportive medical people, and only had to bear it for a few weeks during her chemotherapy. I was thinking "Lord, can you explain to me the purpose of going through as much suffering as cancer patients do at their worst time, but stretching the weeks into about 20 years, and making me do it alone and without medical support?"

I know there is a reason for everything. I have to believe that or I'll go mad for the suffering in vain.

In the rare hours that the injections work for the dizziness, I have found my sense of humor coming back, and I welcome it thankfully! Hopefully I can regain it enough to carry me through these times when I can't even lift my head.

I'm living on crackers and Ensure, the nutrition drink. I sure hope this passes soon. Lupus likes to attack a specific part of the body for a few months, then move on to another part.

I have SO much to get done! I have to do taxes and grocery shopping and earn money for my honeymoon this spring (no we never had ours yet), and do tons of paperwork for a court case I'm involved in. I'M SO FRUSTIPATED! (new word for the day.) Ok, That's enough of my temper tantrum. Just needed to get it out. Even in this condition, I counseled people on the phone and online today, and loaned a friend who is ready for the E.R. my blood pressure machine. Now she has called back to report other symptoms, so I am playing nurse even when I can barely sit up.

Well you know, I am very happy that I can still be useful even in my worst times. I would really think I had no reason to stay on earth if I could no longer help someone, and I have had those times too.

I have wished that every post in this blog was happy and positive and inspiring, but with the depression I fight with because of physical problems, that's just not realistic unless I straight out lie...and what good would lying do? It would just make others who are going through suffering feel inferior because they would wonder why they could not be upbeat and strong and cheerful all the time too. It's not natural to be happy and strong every moment, even in crisis mode.

Oh! I do count my blessings every day. I am glad to even have a furnace, despite the noise, and I am so happy that my husband was not injured during these 3 days of bombings from the voting in Pakistan. 4 bombs went off yesterday near his home. The day before that, the police station was bombed.

Mom is still trying to convince the gov't that SHE is NOT dead, it's my Dad that passed away, so my brother was good enough to drive her to the bank twice today to fill out yet more endless paperwork.

I'm sure she is scared that we might be homeless, but I know that if things get that bad, social services or the church or relatives would help. God has always helped us in the past, He will not fail us now.

Yuck, feeling awful, gotta go. Anyone want to crawl through the monitor to take me to the E.R.? Or just to give me a much needed hug?Blessings,

Bluebirdy

Great Quote:

(Thanks TN!)

It is not the bad times on which we should dwell, it is only poison to the mind and soul. We shall rise up after we fall, and continue to go on -- dwelling on the good, high-spirited times of our lives.

Monday, 18 February 2008

"The Autoimmune Epidemic--Bodies Gone Haywire in a World out of Balance and the Cutting Edge Science that Promises Hope"(Simon and Schuster/Touchstone, February 5, 2008)

23.5 million -- that's one in twelve -- Americans suffer from autoimmune disease, making it more prevalent than cancer or even heart disease.

Multiple sclerosis, lupus, Type 1 diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, FM, CFS, and nearly a hundred other chronic autoimmune illnesses are part of this devastating epidemic, in which the human body, acting on misread signals, literally begins to destroy itself. Alarmingly, the occurrence of many of these diseases has more than doubled in the last three decades, signaling a disturbing trend that can be directly tied to environmental factors in everyday modern lifeincluding our daily exposure to a dizzying array of toxic chemicals.

To those who can't read new books because of the odor of the ink, please look for used versions on www.half.com, www.ebay.com, www.alibris.com, www.amazon.com . If you can't even handle that, search to see if someone has uploaded it as an ebook to read on your monitor.

Blessings,

Bluebirdy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Only exceptional people get lupus or fibro. Average people could not handle it. -Dr. P. Knibbe, Rheumatologist

Saturday, 16 February 2008

This entry might seem a bit long, but it is worth the read. Many adventures today.

IT IS AMAZING WHAT AN UN-BORING LIFE I LEAD FROM MY BED!!!

1) My husband was very close to being bombed by a suicide bomber

2) I explain a condition I have never told you about that I have, referred to as "the suicide disease" because it is the most painful condition known to man.

3) I introduce you to my mentally ill brother who is doing miraculously considering his burden.

4) It was my birthday!

5) I expand on the above statements in a way that will teach you and touch you and make you think.

I am so amazed at the adventures I live even from my bed. I have adventures with friends worldwide through this little box that links me to the whole world. I am always thanking Heavenly Father for letting me live in the time of internet.

ADVENTURES FROM BED:

When I tell others that I work from bed, their first thought is pretty funny...that I am a "lady of the evening". How else could a person earn money from bed, right? But working on the internet has been my joy and I am blessed to be able to do it.

This poor old computer is running on a prayer and I pray over it like I would a friend, because it is my only link to the outside world, to my husband and to my income.

A few days ago it was my birthday. Just think. I am older now than I have ever been in my life. Wow, that makes me old! ROFL. (But then you are older today than you have ever been, too!)

I had visitors and calls and gifts all day! I was overcome with joy! I guess since Dad's funeral, people have started to remember us again, which is WONDERFUL! My thoughtful, giving brother bought me an angel food cake, my regular birthday cake, and it is such a joy to me. I use a different topping each year, and occasionally make it into a chocolate angel food cake. You just add 2 heaping tablespoonfuls of baking cocoa to the mix.

By 4:00 I was in so much pain that Mom had to entertain the last 2 guests that came to wish me well. What a wonderful day, so different from my 10 years of aloneness in this house.

I was given a HUGE rose by my sister. The stem was as thick as my baby finger. The rose was orange, pink and yellow, and it is as fresh today as when she came a week ago from 5 hours away.

Another friend brought a beautiful hyacinth plant. I set them side by side on the dining room table, and the next day, all the white blossoms on the hyacinth were brown and dead! I could not figure out what I did wrong! I am not good with plants, but this was illogical! I searched a bit online, and found out that roses give off ethylene gas to blossoms next to them, to kill them, so that the rose will get all the sunshine and food from the soil instead of the flower next to it. It's a parasite plant! So I gently pulled off the brown blossoms and placed the plant in another area and will try to nurse it back to health.

Having a tough day. I am shaking with both fear and gratitude to our loving Lord. I was awoken by a phone call from my husband telling me that soon I would hear on the news of a horrid suicide bombing near his house that blew all the outside windows out of homes for half a mile around, that killed 37 and injured 90. He was calling to tell me that he was fine, because he knew I would worry, and worry worsens my pain. In 2 days Pakistan has its election, and few will go out into the streets because of the danger. Most of those who were killed were of the opposition party (opposing Musharraf). The Taliban and Al-Qaeda do not only terrorize non-Muslims, they even terrorize their own people.

The houses there are as ancient as the land is. It reminds me of pictures of how Jesus lived thousands of years ago. Each house has 4 walls that are wide enough to hold rooms, then an open center courtyard. There are windows facing the courtyard, but very rarely are there windows facing the street or back.There is usually neighbors' homes on each of the side walls. There is a staircase on the outside and on the inside to go up to the roof.

When I saw pictures of these houses, I finally understood the story in the Bible of Jesus speaking in a friend's home, and that people gathered in the courtyard and on the roof to listen, and now I can see how they lowered a man on a stretcher with ropes into the house. They lowered him from the roof into the courtyard for Jesus to heal. My husband's house does have a window in the front so they can see who is at the front door. It was blown out. There are other families who came to stay in the house my husband is at because their house was very near the voting location. THANKYOU LORD FOR SPARING MY HUSBAND AGAIN! I hope you are sparing him so that he can come home to me before I pass away.

My husband is acting like Dr. to them. He is often called upon to measure blood pressure or blood sugar or temperature or to give injections, because those things cost a lot of money if you go to a clinic to get them done. My husband was a pharmacist and pre-med student and owned his own pharmacy, which he turned over to his brother before choosing a new occupation of translations. His translations are to help the cause against terrorists, through the UK government.

Most of the people who came to his home have pain in their ears and head from the percussion of air and the noise, and their ears are ringing so loudly that they probably sustained some hearing damage. They also can't stay in a house overnight if the windows are out of it, its too cold and looters could enter, so they are staying with my husband overnight at least. One man had bleeding from an ear, so I guess it broke his eardrum.

Nothing over there is prescription, so he can go to the market and get medicines to help calm the people down, or antibiotics, or pain medicine. He is a good, compassionate man. One thing I will have a very hard time adjusting to is that he has company 20 hours a day on the days he is not working. I can't do that.

My brother is in the next room swearing and saying the most horrible negative things and talking about suicide and yelling about how cursed he is, and that really gets to me. Since my NDEs (near death experiences), the negativity of people or media really disturb me. I pray to know what to say to him to help him, but he won't listen to anything positive and doesn't know how to comfort himself. Even at night he swears and yells and tosses and turns in his sleep. He got kicked out of a campground in the middle of the night for it. Its obviously a brain chemical imbalance but no Dr. has been able to find the right medicine to help him. Poor guy, gets no relief even in sleep.

I am proud that his books just got published. He worked on them full time for 13 years. It is an encyclopedia of herbal medicine. You can look up any herb, and symptom or disease, and see what to do, how to use the herbs, and pictures of the herbs. The link to see his books are on the right side column of this blog under "Favorite sites".

I don't know if I ever mentioned that I have Trigeminal Neuralgia. That is the reason that I was finally put in strong pain medicine, so I am thankful for the condition. Before I got it, it didn't matter that I had severe kidney pain and other pain from lupus in many areas of my body, no one would help me with pain medicine, but with TN, you MUST have strong pain meds, because the pain is severe enough to stop your heart, which I have had happen. At that point, doctors decide that keeping you alive is more important than worrying about the addictive quality of the medicine.

Trigeminal neuralgia (TN), or Tic Douloureux, ( also known as prosopalgia ) is a neuropathic disorder of the trigeminal nerve that causes episodes of intense pain in the eyes, lips, nose, scalp, forehead, and jaw.[1] Trigeminal neuralgia is considered by many to be among the most painful of conditions and is often labeled the "suicide disease" because of the significant numbers of people taking their own lives when they cannot find effective treatments. An estimated 1 in 15,000 people suffers from trigeminal neuralgia, although numbers may be significantly higher due to frequent misdiagnosis. It usually develops after the age of 40, although there have been cases with patients being as young as three years of age [2]. More information at wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trigeminal_neuralgia

My pain today is so bad that I am considering going to the E.R. but I have no one to go with me, so I may just stay home and suffer as usual. My pain is only 8 out of 10 right now. When it gets to 9, I can't sit up or roll over, when it gets to 10, I am sobbing, shaking and too sick to be moved to the E.R. so I try to control it with every method possible at home before it gets to 9 or 10.

The new pain studies have shown over and over that those who take strong pain meds (narcotic opiates) for severe pain do not get high, they only get their pain neutralized, so there is very little chance of being psychologically addicted. Your body does get dependent upon it though, so if you go off, your body will go through physical withdrawal, but you will not crave the drug in order to get high. What I am addicted to is pain relief!

The new doctors are being taught about the new theories of pain control, but the older doctors still don't get it. I went to 17 doctors who said they would not treat me because I was on strong pain meds. The doctors that graduated before 5 years ago were taught to look at everyone who has severe, chronic pain as a drug seeker, instead of looking at them as a pain-relief seeker.

I have such a long list of things that must be done, but most days I only get 1 or 2 things done. I remember getting 40 or more things done in a day. I could think of the list, then get them all done. Now I can't even think of the list. I guess that is due to the effect of pain upon the brain, as my last posts explain.

I guess I won't go to the E.R. When I'm in this much pain, I am not strong enough to defend myself when being accused of being a drug seeker. I occasionally get a good compassionate Dr. but not usually.

I have been told this hospital will change almost immediately because my city got 80 new doctors this year. (All from other countries). I am eager to see that change! Up to now, doctors would be very compassionate and patient, but soon they would start affiliating with the local doctors, who would tell them how things should be done, and if things were not done their way, they would be outcasts from the society of doctors, so very soon, they developed the bad habits and bad attitudes of local doctors.

This took me all day (12+ hours) to write, taking breaks in between. I am cutting off as many email groups and newsletters as possible and deleting most forwards. I have been spending 8 to 12 hours a day on emails, and I just don't have the strength for it anymore.

I just looked at my horoscope for today. I don't believe in it much, but I laugh when it coincidentally is right on. It said today would be an emotionally draining day.

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

This was on my news station last night, and I wrote to them to find out the source, which they sent me. On the news story, they showed an actual EEG (electroencephalogram) which showed the brain ALWAYS being busy, even when sleeping. It is the body and the subconscious trying to adapt to the pain. This causes exhaustion, depression, forgetfulness, lack of concentration, and sensitivity to extremes of hot, cold, noise, light, crowds, extended physical activity, and emotional stress. It wears on your nerves and makes everything else in life MUCH more difficult than it is for a healthy person. Another proof that "If you have your health, you have everything", because when you are healthy, you can work yourself out of any problem, and can accomplish almost anything you want. I have wondered why I have changed so much, in so many ways, I guess this explains it. I saw other articles about actual brain damage from pain, because the brain cells that stay active 24/7 for years eventually burn themselves out. Now I see why I can't do as much as I used to and why I need more help just for daily living.

You're all in my prayers.

Bluebirdy

Chronic pain seen altering how brain works

CHICAGO (Reuters)  Brain scans of people in chronic pain show a state of constant activity in areas that should be at rest, U.S. researchers said on Tuesday, a finding that could help explain why pain patients have higher rates of exhaustion, lack of concentration (often called pain fog), depression, anxiety and other disorders. They said chronic pain seems to alter the way people process information that is unrelated to pain.

Researchers at Northwestern University's Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago used functional MRI to scan brain activity in people with chronic low back pain while they tracked a moving bar on a computer screen. They did the same thing with a control group of people with no pain.

In those with no pain, the brain regions displayed a state of equilibrium. When one region was active, the other regions calmed down. But in people with chronic pain, the front region of the cortex mostly associated with emotion "never shuts up," study author Dante Chialvo, an associate research professor of physiology, said in a prepared statement.

This region remains highly active, which wears out neurons and alters their connections to each other. This constant firing of neurons could cause permanent damage.

"We know when neurons fire too much they may change their connections with other neurons or even die, because they can't sustain high activity for so long," Chialvo said.

"If you are a chronic pain patient, you have pain 24 hours a day, seven days a week, every minute of your life. That permanent perception of pain in your brain makes these areas in your brain continuously active. This continuous dysfunction in the equilibrium of the brain can change the wiring forever and could hurt the brain," Chialvo explained.

These changes "may make it harder for you to make a decision or be in a good mood to get up in the morning. It could be that pain produces depression and the other reported abnormalities, because it disturbs the balance of the brain as a whole," he said.

The study was published in the Feb. 6 issue of The Journal of Neuroscience.

Chialvo said the findings show that, along with finding new ways to treat pain, it's also important to develop methods to evaluate and prevent disruption of brain function caused by chronic pain.

More information

The American Academy of Family Physicians has more about chronic pain.

Do we really want a law telling us where we can and can't eat? This is as prejudiced as the "whites only" restaurants of 60 years ago!

Look at THIS! This is INSANE! Mississippi is hoping to pass a law that says no restaurant can serve a person who is obese! NO JOKE! Food is not an item you can just do without, like alcohol or smoking. Even the obese need food each day. Please look at this proposed law, and if you live in the USA, consider signing the petition. If this law passes, what other freedoms can be dictayed by law? Bathroom breaks? Breathing? Eating is just as personal as these other things.

Saturday, 9 February 2008

I have been completely useless/helpless for almost a month. Its times like this that I worry how life will be when my husband gets here and I am this sick. I have not been able to get dressed/ showered etc. except once a week or so for about a month. The pain has gotten worse and I can't get my meds changed until my doc comes back in 6 months. I have also had vertigo, where I feel like I am spinning all the time. Hard to walk around or read or watch TV or to be on the computer for very long, it causes nausea and exhaustion and is hard on the nerves trying to stabilize myself all the time. I pretty much just spend a lot of time laying with my eyes closed. I am still spinning but at least everything that I am looking at isn't spinning with me when my eyes are closed. This has left a lot of time for thinking, and praying, and for listening to the answers to prayer.

Usually the answers to prayer go through my head, moving so fast that I can't stop them to complete the thought or write them down for future reference. Its really frustrating. Then the next time I get worried about the same thing, I can't remember the answer to prayer I got last time, and have to go through the same anxiety and thought process each time. During this time that I HAD to slow down and listen, as the scripture says "Be still and know that I am". I was able to finish some thought and write them down, so when I have the same anxieties in the future, I can go to those notes and find comfort, because I know they were inspired and from the Holy Spirit.

The fears came from being too tired and overwhelmed, and that's when Satan works on us hardest, when we are too weak to fight. So he causes fear and doubt and anxiety. I sometimes wondered if it was God giving me these doubts an fears so that I would change what I am doing, but the scriptures say: "For God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

Then I pray, and fear and confusion is replaced with order and courage and reason. I would apologize to the Lord for praying about the same problem again and again and not remembering what the answers were last time. Thankfully, I know the Lord knows that pain and other symptoms from these diseases cause memory problems, so I'm sure the Lord understood my inability to remember His answers whenever I was in too much pain to think. He knows more about this disease and this body than I do. He knows my limitations, and He doesn't get angry at me for them.

Chronic pain and illness changes every aspect of your life and personality. It's overwhelming. I believe God gives us overwhelming things so that we will seek His strength, because when we ask for His help, we do better than we could have done on our own, even if we were healthy.

No it is not wrong to want to be healed. I think that lots of people are given an illness so that a LOT of people can see just how sick they were, so that when God heals them, people will know it was a true miracle, not just a matter of the person thinking he was sick, then thinking he is well.

One thing I have learned is that you have to laugh at yourself sometimes. If you don't, you will make the symptoms and brain fog worse. The more you stress about your condition, the worse it gets. If you accept that this is what God has chosen for your path right now, and that it might be temporary... (or might not), it has a purpose! Just one of many reasons might be to learn some lessons from. It might be to teach others who know you some lessons. Then when you put the mustard in the dryer and your sock in the fridge, you have to just laugh and think "Oh well." Everyone does things like that when overstressed, we just do it more often. Please stop expecting perfection from yourself. Allow yourself to rest when you need to, watch lots of funny movies, laughter is the best medicine. Write a list of things that make you smile when you think of them. Write a list of things that relax you. A bath, sitting on the grass at the park, listening to a certain album, making a craft or working on a hobby, singing, exercising, dancing, hearing the laughter of children, etc.

One little book that has saved me from a nervous breakdown time and time again (and my husband too) is called "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It shows you how to lighten up on yourself and accept yourself, and have less stress. It helps you realize different ways that you might be thinking, and how to change the destructive ways of thinking.

Remember that the more angry you get, the worse the symptoms will get, so you need to laugh and find ways to relax, and find new, achievable goals, and new ways to enjoy yourself. The more you can smile and relax, things will get easier, you will be easier to be around, you will learn whatever lessons you need to, and then maybe the Lord will heal you and allow you to move on to the next lesson in life. If you get stuck in your anger and frustration, and you don't learn from your situation, then you won't be able to heal or be able to move on to the next life lesson.

If the Lord's plan is to not heal you, then you can still learn wisdom from your experiences, and help others with that wisdom. "ALL things work for good for those who love the Lord."

Another thing I was told in an NDE...I was VERY angry and told the spirit who was speaking to me that I was, and that I not willing to live if I couldn't even help the Lord, and I was completely useless in this condition. The spirit told me that even though I didn't understand it, I WAS serving the Lord through my illness, and that I would just have to trust his word on it. Illness takes you out of the world and closer to God.

Whenever you pray, listen for answers. When you are relaxing, listen for the Holy Spirit to whisper to you. It takes practice, but it does come. Here are some of the inspirations I have received, so strongly that I could not deny that they were divine. They might mean nothing to you, because they were meant for the frame of mind I was in at each certain time, or they might really hit home, too. I printed them off onto paper and put them on my wall beside my bed, so when I am laying down, I can read them, and remember that God has become so close that He knows my problems, and is guiding me through them. Comments in brackets are my own added comments.

1) Do not become the candle that gives light to others, but itself remains in darkness. (One who counsels others but does not take his own advice, or one who preaches of the light of God but does not have it himself.) Do not follow the desires of your lower self. Should the Lord wish, He Himself will pick you out and prompt you to be a source of guidance. He himself shall endow you with the inner strength to endure the changes of fortune and will instill within you infinite wisdom.

-Abdul Jillani

2)Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. Prov 3:5-6

3) He has ALWAYS helped you find answers that you did not even know existed. Do not doubt Him! Like the story of Thomas walking on water with Jesus, walk on the water with The Lord, as He asks for your hand. Do not doubt and sink below the stormy waves. But if you do doubt and sink below the waves, reach for his hand again, imagine looking into His eyes, and He will lift you out of the water.

4) Be Joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. -Rom 12:12

5) This illness might actually be a calling. One that will teach me and others around me many lessons. Lessons that will be worth the suffering, and that can not be learned in any other way.

6) If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it. He will also prepare you for it. You may see something that is going to happen in the future that you just don't think you can bear; but you may learn and grow between now and then; and when and if that feared even happens, you will be better equipped to handle it.

7) Now is the season to know that everything you do is sacred. Do not doubt the mystery that God is leading you through. It is greater than you understand.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "

Jer. 29:11.

So everything that happens to you is for a purpose, and He will NEVER leave you nor forsake you. If God seems as if He Has gotten farther away, who is the one who moved? Not Him. Trust His love for you. Trust that He thought you were strong enough for this "calling" or "mission". Even when you think He has overestimated your strength, you can still call on Him for comfort and strength and wisdom.

Sunday, 3 February 2008

It is difficult to get people to understand something when their salary depends upon them not understanding it.- Upton Sinclair, 1878-1968

Why they won't even research an illness for a patient:

"You can lead a man to knowledge,but you can't make him think "

Just quotes to think about. The countries that have socialized medicine are the ones making all the progress in cures, and countries that are too poor to have decent health care also are more willing to find cures for people. The USA does not really look for cures, because if there was a cure for diabetes or cancer or other common illnesses, it would put too many people out of work and would destroy the economy. I know a woman who is quite wealthy and her life revolves around "Charity dinners". She has told me herself that when they raise money for breast cancer or autism etc., about 10% goes to the research part, the rest goes towards planning more fancy dinners for rich contributors. Its a social club using the name of suffering people and diseases to enjoy their privileged lifestyle and their $500 a plate dinners.

Vidal Sassoon's wife had lupus. When I was modeling I got an invitation to attend a dinner for lupus for $600 a plate. Since I also have lupus, I was wishing I could get to California for the dinner, but now that I learn where the money goes, I didn't miss much.

Saturday, 2 February 2008

To those who read my post about the NY Times posting a very outdated and incorrect report about fibromyalgia, here is a follow-up article that includes some of the letters that were sent in response to that article.

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