Seek first to Understand

"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

This quote from Goethe made me thinking about relationships. We often approach our relationships with the opposite view, goaded by our ever dissatisfied ego that we always are on a moral high pedestal and just perfect at what we are upto. This holds true whether there is an iota of truth in our stance or not. No wonder, most of the interactions based on this approach are doomed to fail, leading to discomfort and misery to those involved.

Instead, at least for a moment, if we brush our ego aside and approach others as they are already what they can be and just behave as if we are as we are, without any preconceived notions of bloated ego, many tricky situations can be transformed into win-win solutions. As Stephen Covey said in his classic "7 habits of highly effective people", its our responsibility to "seek first to understand" rather than "seek to be understood".

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The former approach only reflects our humility and clearly shows our sincerity in understanding others' views without any personal prejudices.

Overcoming personal prejudices requires one to be consciously aware of one's nature and understanding of the role of ego without any personal bias. Self enquiry thus plays a crucial role in exercising one's free will in assessing situations and shaping intuitive and coherent responses in such a way that others genuinely feel the purity of our intentions. As one gradually becomes more self aware and consciously strives to excel, one sows seeds of genuine TRUST, the most fragile emotional parameter in relationships. Slowly, relationships thrive in win-win spirit since trust begets trust.

It certainly eases the discomfort we can often notice in the instinctive "seek to be understood" approach that we normally follow. Its our ego which is more often projected out of proportions in forcing our ways during such interactions and subconsciously forces others to be as much stiff in their reflexes and replies to us.

Also, it helps us to be sympathetic to others' feelings and establish a heart to heart connection leading to healthy rapport rather than a head to head interaction which is often devious and manipulative at its worst. We can stand to gain from learning many new things in improving our relationships and mutually derive the benefit of the hearty and spontaneous interactions once people begin opening up to the synergistic opportunities.