Saturday, May 19, 2012

Day 25- Personality vs. Self-Change

I went for a
walk on the beach with a woman today, and throughout the walk I observed
myself. I felt like my voice was low, my movements felt awkward, I made little
eye contact. Also, I found myself to be immature, meaning- my internal
experience of myself in terms of self-judgment and self-consciousness was that
I was immature. Then, when we got back to her place and hung out for a bit with
her husband, I found myself change because there was now a male in my midst. My
voice was higher and more ‘perky.’ I smiled more, made eye contact with him,
laughed and was more talkative. It felt, all of a sudden, like there was a ‘purpose.’
I remember once at a bar, a girl said to me that it’s always more fun when you’re
out, when you have a male in your sights. I didn’t get it, but soon enough Iknew exactly what she meant. It’s all about sex. I don’t even ‘want’ sex from
other males- consciously at least- but subconsciously or unconsciously (not
sure), THAT is the goal. So, I finally really saw for the first time, to what
extent we are possessed by the point of sex, and the extent to which we suppress
our natural expression in order to manipulate others, men and women, on this one
point of sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress
my natural expression in order to be/become perceived as a sexual being/potential
sex partner to males in my midst, even when I know I don’t really want sex from
them, in order to seduce them in some kind of a power game where everyone is
aware, but no one acknowledges that our interactions are based on sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change
myself in many little ways, when I am around males, because of the subtle manipulation
game of seduction, wherein I have little bursts of energy if I feel I am ‘winning’
the game, because within and as ego, I have programmed myself to
want/need/desire to ‘win,’ and to be ‘in control’ of the other and the
relationship, wherein I think/believe/perceive that I will have power over the
other, so that I can benefit from the relationship somehow, in some way and at
some future point in time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base Who
I Am on my ability to seduce or convey the message of sex to the male in my
midst, in order to think/believe/perceive that I have ‘won’ and am in control
of the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive
myself into thinking/believing/perceiving that the energy I experience within
sexually-based relationships or interactions with subtle sexual undertones, is
Who I Am, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Who I Am is no
better and no worse than those I’m interacting with, and if I fall for my
deception, then I am compromising and limiting myself and my self-expression
within the belief that I am this energy, or I need this energy, or this energy
makes interaction worthwhile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive
myself that sparks or surges or little rushes of positive energetic feedback
are something ‘good’ that needs to be pursued and ‘fed,’ instead of
seeing/realizing and understanding that the energy is self-created, is short
term, and will manifest it’s opposite, and it suppresses and limits me, and
prevents me from really actually getting to know myself as who I Am beneath the
layers of created personality that I have programmed into myself over a
lifetime of suppression, denial and limitation.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to
see/realize and understand the absolute insanity involved in changing myself
for the sake of another, which is like a mental illness of split personalities,
where I am one way with one person, and another way with another person,
instead of standing up within myself and remaining as a constant and stable
self-expression that is not influence by the gender of those in my presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change
my personality suit dependent upon who is in my presence, based upon my
judgment of them of rich or poor, intelligent or dull, beneficial to me or not.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to interact
with others as my equals, wherein I interact with them as who they really are,
and not participate in the ‘little games’ we all play, wherein each is looking
for a transaction to take place, either immediately or at some point in the
future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
diminish my interactions and relationships by participating within them as if
they are transactions, where some benefit is sought, whether it is material or
energetic, either immediately or at some imagined future time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive
myself by thinking/believing/perceiving that my experience based on the
energetic feedback I receive from an interaction or a relationship, is the ‘point’
or the interaction or relationship, instead of stopping and interacting from a
starting point of self-honesty, wherein I express Me and live Me by breathing through
any and all reactions, judgments, energetic experiences, thoughts, ideas and
beliefs with regards to the other person, the communication taking plce, my own
self-judgment and future projections.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define
myself within relationships based on energy and energetic feedback, instead of
standing up from within the self-created experience in order to direct myself
as the interaction within self-honesty, within and as self-awareness and
presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed
the energetic experience that takes place within and as interactions and
relationship, wherein I accept and allow myself to be directed and reactive to
the experience, instead of being the self-directive principle of myself, Here.

When and as I see myself participating within the self-created
energetic experience of an interaction or relationship I stop and I breathe. I
bring myself back into awareness within the realization and understanding that
such participation is suppressing me, and if I allow myself to be directed by
it, I will only set myself up for a future fall in a moment when I look for me,
but find I’m not there, because I have not allowed myself to emerge.

I commit myself to stop being or becoming directed by the
self-created energetic experiences I manifest while, within and as I interact
with others, specifically the suppression due to the acceptance and allowance
of the initiation of the sex-system within me.

I commit myself to stopping the internal reactions as energy,
reactions and judgments that take place within me as I interact with others.

I commit myself to be and become the self-directive principle
of me, when and as I interact with others.

I commit myself to let go of the influence

I allow others to have over who and how I am, in order to
that who I really am may emerge within relationships.

No comments:

Post a Comment

About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.