Saturday, May 28, 2011

Llama Saliva and My Imminent Death

My life thus far can be tracked through a steady series of minor inconveniences and odd situations. I never realized I was different in this respect until other people started noticing. I mean we're talking ridiculous things that normal people shouldn't have to worry about happening as they go through their day. Combine these with the fact that I am extraordinarily accident prone and it's a dangerous combination. Examples you say?

-A llama spit on my windshield once.

"Were you parked in a field?" "In the countryside?" " In Argentina?"

No friends, I was not. I was in the middle of a city, stopped at a light in three lanes of traffic outside a Wal-Mart.

- Last week I came within inches of running over an endangered animal- the national bird no less- which just happened to be sitting in the middle of the road at four in the afternoon just, you know, chilling.*

*not that I would have felt too guilty for hitting it. I'm sorry but if you have the gift of flight and STILL get hit by a car, that's on you.

- I dislocated my knee while..... wait for it........ walking.

-I currently have three bruises on my shin from tripping over a shake-weight."Do you own a shake-weight?" - No.

Do shake-weight's actually work?" -Don't change the subject.

I have several years worth of these examples if you would like more, but suffice it to say I'm growing slightly concerned.
I can't decide if I should be worried that these events will eventually culminate in a ridiculous accident ultimately causing my death, or if I will just end up paying twice as much for my health insurance because they'll finally figure out how to qualify "slightly cursed" as a pre-existing condition.

You can say it's all in my head. You can give me examples showing these things happen to everyone. But I have evidence, witnesses, documentation. Ask my sister- the odds are uncomfortably high that my name will be in the paper under this headline:

3 comments:

dude, the prius will hit you too, because YOU CAN'T HEAR THOSE THINGS COMING! I have a dream of owning a Prius and driving around behind people in parking lots and HONKING at them. Really. I do dream about these things...

About Me

I'm a college student and expert in all things caffeinated. In my spare time I run, have deep philosophical conversations with my cat, and google various medical conditions until I'm convinced I have one. I used to have other pastimes but had to give them up when a friend informed me that "judging others" does not count as a hobby. I also clean houses, sell Advocare, and work for a giant company where my official job title is "Corporate Drone".