Thank You For Being With Me

“I don’t care that all you can do right now is sit in your chair, I love you. You’re not six feet under and you’re here with me, that’s all that matters.”

Hot tears slipped down my flushed cheeks as I looked away from him, the ugly truth of one of my biggest fears uncovered.

Will he cheat too? Decide that I’m too sick for him to deal with as well and end up regarding me as a worthless, mentally ill cripple?

(Who doesn’t sexually please him well enough?)

It’s a real demon of mine and my boyfriend knows that.

“From all that you’ve told me about your past, you should be patting yourself on the back, honey. Don’t even get me started on the first one who put you in the hospital and then the second one, who did you even worse if you ask me…”

Which one is worse? Abusive relationship A or abusive relationship B?

Flip a coin?

As hard as I try to run from my two abusers, they continue to seep into my current reality. I’m just a middle-aged woman with a love of fuzzy socks, not a sorceress who can cast a magical spell, abolishing the memories of my past traumas.

It takes time, people tell me.

How long?

Everyone is different.

Are all men nasty, evil swine?

No, of course not.

Is there something wrong with me that I found not only one, but two of them?

Aw, my friend. A pure soul, I never would think that about myself, I’ve done some pretty shady shit in my life. But thank you, sweetie. ❤ 🙂
I'm truly trying my best to finally be somewhat happy…I enjoy each second of my time with Steven and everyone else in my life. Cutting out the big bad toxic peeps has helped enormously.

sounds like you got a good guy there, Mer. He’s a keeper. Abusers find their victims like the kind lady said before me. But….we are who we are and we will keep questioning until we don’t anymore. It’s a part of who we are. I’ve finally come to the point in my life that I know that my ex didn’t deserve me. I certainly didn’t deserve him! But then I got a few years on you. That peace will come, Mer. Believe. ❤

I pay attention to every detail of my relationship with Steven and on occasion, I overreact. But you know, I have to be 100% positive that he is NOT an abusive man. I will never fall asleep again, Jackie.
I love him and he makes me happy. It’s simple. ❤