One of the sex toys I picked up at the Adult Entertainment Expo last week was the Fukuoku Five Finger Massage Glove. The packaging claims it was created from "the secrets of the Orient" but I actually got it from an booth where a blond middle-aged woman in a slutty police uniform was wearing the glove and using it on people's necks and backs. Having been on my feet in heeled boots all day and with a bag that weighed 25 lbs, the Massage Glove felt like heaven when she placed it beneath my shoulder blades. The glove comes in versions for both the right and left hands, and there's a vibe in each finger, with two adjustable speeds. There's also a little pocket for the battery pack, so there's no bulky appendage or wires to get in the way, making the product seemingly perfect for partner sex. Oh, and did I mention it's waterproof? Yeah. So, the other night, I ran a bath, grabbed my Fukuoku and put my hand to work.

Advertisement

I'm not usually one to masturbate in the tub, mainly because that means I'd have to use my hands, and my arms would get tired. (What it boils down to is that I'm very lazy.) I've tried some other waterproof vibes in the bathtub before, with varying results, but I'm always looking for the easiest solutions to life's little problems, so I was enthusiastic about the Fukuoku. That enthusiasm didn't last long.

First of all, when I turned it on, I got freaked out, because the noise the vibes made sounded like a swarm of futuristic alien insects flying toward me. It sounded even weirder when I wiggled my fingers. (I guess I couldn't hear it on the convention floor since everything was so loud there.) But whatever, I plunged it down there and moved it around different parts of my vulva to see where it felt best, not wanting to put it directly on my clit before it had the chance to warm up a bit. I could tell within 20 seconds that it was gonna suck. The vibes moved way too fast and steady, even when switching up the settings. There was no interruption or variation, so the vibration almost became like white noise — something mildly annoying that you learn to ignore.

Advertisement

I figured that I wouldn't give up on it yet, and that I'd try it out with some visual aids. So I got out of the tub, dried myself off, got in bed, and started watching some videos on XTube. (If you get the chance, you should watch this one, not because it's hot but because it's really funny. It's these college kids in a room at a party and drunk people keep coming in and interrupting them. NSFW, natch.) That plan didn't work out too well. I couldn't get anywhere even in the neighborhood of an orgasm with it. And on top of that, my fingers started going numb from the steady vibe.

I took off the Fukuoku, threw it across the room — it's so not worth $50! — and grabbed my trusty Hitachi. Will they ever make something that rivals the best vibe in the world?