Most men and women I know want to have a lot of sex. Hot sex. Passionate, interesting, refreshing sex is what we want.

Passionate sex: Both parties are very “into” the sex, fully present and wanting to be nowhere else in the world than where they are while making love to each other.

Interesting sex: Sex that is the opposite of boring — there is nothing routine about this sex. This is exciting sex. The sense is that something new is being discovered and experienced. Variety is the spice of life. It’s also the spice of sex.

Refreshing sex: Sex that leaves you feeling refreshed, relaxed, secure and not in any way stressed, ashamed or depleted (though you will feel triumphantly tired depending on how vigorous the pace of your sex).

Where do we get this kind of sex? How do we find it? How can we have it?

Many people (especially men) think marriage is a cage, a cage that prevents you from enjoying this kind of extraordinary sex. This way of thinking makes sense. Marriage (as most would define it) means a lifetime of sex with the same person, so it’s easy to conclude that novelty, variety, adventure, passion, and heat would fade when you’re simply having sex with the same old person for multiple decades. How interesting could such sex really be? “It’s a cage,” the masses seem to cry.

People tell me all kinds of interesting things. I’m a pastor, which means that people tell me their fears, pains, and dreams while I do my best to listen. After listening, I usually have something to say. Recently a guy in his mid-twenties told me his main objection to what I believe (Christianity) and what I have (a nine year-old marriage) is a sexual objection. He feared the cage.

He told me that he liked sex and didn’t want to get married because he was certain he would then have less sex, and not just less sex — lesser sex. Marriage, he feared, would be a cage that would squash his sexual appetite, and sexual fulfillment.

I then asked him the question that nobody ever asks single people or married people: “How often do you have sex? Wait, let me be exact, how many times have you had sex this past year?”

Answer: “Three times.”

In a loud and jovial voice I immediately replied, “I have like 100 times more sex than you do in a year! And it’s all with one woman, a woman who loves me and gets better at sex every time we have it. It’s hot sex!”

The look on his face was a look of surprise and intrigue.

Hollywood leads us to think singles (or married people carrying on affairs) have all the hot sex while married couples have boring sex, or little or no sex. It’s a lie.

Well, it isn’t all a lie. Many marriages are rather sex-less. Passionate, interesting, and refreshing are not the adjectives you’d use to describe what happens in those bedrooms. But, on the whole, my limited exposure and research as a happily married man and extroverted pastor in Silicon Valley is that hot monogamous sex is where it’s at.

Are there singles having passionate, frequent sex? Sure. There are always exceptions — exceptions that prove the rule.

The main thing I’ve got is my story, so I’ll stick to that. For nine years I’ve been having hot monogamous sex. My marriage is not a cage. My wife and I enjoy an imperfect marriage and great sex. We work at it. We love it. My marriage, and our sex, feels like an adventure.

Yes, I’ve been having sex with one woman, the same woman, for nine years. But, on the other hand, I’ve been having sex with a different woman each time.

Marriage isn’t static. A good marriage is dynamic–always changing, a new experience around every corner. A happy marriage involves two dynamic people who are always changing, developing, growing and learning how to better love each other.

The woman I enjoyed sex with on my wedding night still goes by the same name today, but she’s quite different. A lot has changed in nine years. I feel this every week — that I’m a man constantly becoming a new man who shares a bed and everything else with a woman who is a little bit new every morning.

What is sex for? I may answer that question differently than you do. One thing I know is that sex at its best is passionate, interesting, and refreshing, and I believe the place to find such sex is with a faithful and interesting husband or wife.

Marriage isn’t a cage. Marriage is an adventure. Marriage is saying “no” to one freedom (single, three times a year or 100 times a year sex) so that you can say “yes” to a greater freedom (hot monogamous sex).