Islam

~ Peace ~

September 28, 2006

What does it take? What must I do? How can I prove that my feelings are real, my intentions honorable, my commitment complete? What must I say, or do to win you? How far must I travel, how much must I give, what promises must I make? Tell me and will willing do anything, promise anything and more importantly, I will keep those promises, I will honor those commitments. I will give all I have materially, emotionally, and there will be only you, no one else, ever. I will care for you when you are ill, lift you up when you are down, listen to your dreams and help you make them real, hear your fears and hold you till they evaporate. I will fill you heart, hold your hand and give you a lifetime of joy and fulfillment. I will make every effort to help you find the happiness you desire. Just tell me the words and it all will be yours. I am waiting for you. Hoping for you, longing. Yes praying for you. Just say those words.

Anxiety disorders differ from normal feelings of nervousness. Untreated anxiety disorders can push people into avoiding situations that trigger or worsen their symptoms. People with anxiety disorders are likely to suffer from depression, and they also may abuse alcohol and other drugs in an effort to gain relief from their symptoms. Job performance, school work, and personal relationships can also suffer.

raging heartbeat

difficulty breathing, feeling as though you 'can't get enough air

terror that is almost paralyzing

nervous, shaking, stress

heart palpitation, feeling of dread

dizziness, lightheartedness or nausea

trembling, sweating, shaking

choking, chest pains, distress

fear, fright, afraid, anxious

hot flashes, or sudden chills

tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles')

fearful that you're going to go crazy or are about to die

Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a serious, potentially debilitating condition that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a life-threatening event, such as a natural disaster, serious accident, terrorist incident, sudden death of a loved one, war or violent personal assault, such as rape. While most people who experience such events recover from them, people with PTSD continue to be severely depressed and anxious for months or even years following the event. They frequently re-live the event through fflashbacks and nightmares. Relaxing, concentrating or sleeping may become difficult. They often feel detached or estranged from loved ones.

Re-experiencing the trauma through intrusive distressing recollections of the event, flashbacks and nightmares;

Emotional numbness and avoidance of places, people and activities that are reminders of the trauma; and

PTSD is diagnosed after a person has been experiencing the above symptoms for at least one month following a traumatic event. Sometimes symptoms of PTSD do not appear until several months or even years later.

OK, I am not trying to diagnose myself. Yet, it appears all to clear that I am having some difficulties in my personal life. Let's review a few events for the past 2 or 3 years and maybe get a clearer picture of my situation and how, perhaps, those events may be related to my present discomfort.

I started a business that was on tract to being a great success. I could have been within a year or two of retirement by now. Set for life. I lost it.

I lost a very dear friend to a freak accident. He was the 'father' I always wished was really mine.

I lost a well paying job to save money for the company (4 years ago), so they could hire 2 other people to do my duties and get a little more production from two of them as well. Nothing personal I was assured.

I lost an uncle, both my aunts, my father, 5 cousins and my mother. I nearly lost both my sisters. I lost another dear friend on the same day my mother died.

I have been drinking too much, not getting drunk, just extra mellow to sleep better; it hasn't helped. Actually I feel worse the next day. (I have since stopped that)

I lost my home and a life time of possessions in a fire after Hurricane Katrina. I had photographic proof it survived the initial storm only to burn to the ground a few days later; a double whammy.

All my friends and associates are displaced; I can not locate them. Some were killed by Katrina.

I could not service my patients after the storm. I could not reach them, I couldn't get the supplies they needed to get to them, even though I didn't know where they were. I was responsible for their well being. More guilt and feelings of failure.

I lost a relationship, not a good and happy relationship, but one which gave me access to two children I considered my own. I am no longer allowed to see them or even talk to them.

I buried my mother. I was so numb I could not even feel the loss, I could not even shed a tear. I feel deeply guilty for that. We were much closer than my siblings; shared a special bond and love.

I have formed a relationship with a lady I love deeply, yet fear she is still involved with someone else to a level I am having a hard time understanding or accepting.

I am past middle age, starting a new career in a field I know nothing about. My savings are nearing depleted, I am facing a financial crisis.

And....I am always alone, so very alone. It never bothered me before, yet now I feel isolated more than at any time in my life.

I live in a little metal box at the whim of the a government agency. I am being hassled 2 or 3 times a month to get out and move on. But where? How? There is no where to go, no income, nothing about my future is certain, even nearly certain.

I am loosing my hearing, much faster than the doctors predicted, and now....

I am having blurred vision, double vision at times, and headaches.

Yeah, I have a lot on my mind, but I feel nearly paralyzed, unable to make the moves to really get the ball rolling in my favor.

I have got to do something. I have always been a go getter, full of energy and enthusiasm. Now I am just empty most of the time. Got to do something to help myself.

September 24, 2006

Friendship is a priceless giftThat can't be bought or sold,But its value is far greaterThan a mountain made of gold.For gold is cold and lifeless,It cannot see nor hear,And in your times of trouble,It is powerless to cheer.

It has no ears to listen,No heart to understand.It cannot bring you comfortOr reach out a helping hand.

So when you ask God for a gift,Be thankful that he sends,Not diamonds, pearls, or riches,But the love of a real, true friend.

September 21, 2006

Someone understands, someone I have never met and probably never will. Below is an email exchange between me and a young woman who understands. It upset me, brought out a lot pain, yet I needed to be upset, I needed the release.

It is amazing how many times, when things seem at their worst, someone appears in my life, if only for a few minutes, and makes a positive impact. An Angel? She is to me.-----Thank you!

Thank you for your comments on my Katrina photos. Like you I have not allowed myself to properly grieve what we all have lost; a wonderful way of life. I lost my home and was forced to sell my business interest, I lost friends, I lost contact with all my business associates. I was forced to relocate to Ocean Springs from Pass Christian and now am hassled by FEMA to give up the tiny trailer I live in. In November, I nearly lost both my sisters in an accident involving a cow on a bridge. Then in January, I lost my mother and a dear friend on the same day. I just keep loosing and loosing.

I had kept those pictures private because it hurt too much to remember and I wanted others to see that there is beauty here still, thus my nature photography. I needed to remind myself that the Coast is a beautiful place. I made them public again on Tuesday because they are being evaluated for use in a documentary about the effects of the storm on Mississippi. I am constantly sickened by the unending New Orleans coverage. The damn thing missed New Orleans and came ashore where we live!

I hope and pray that you will find peace of mind and your family will never have to endure this sort of thing again. I pray that all you know and love will be safe and secure. Once in a lifetime is enough. There is a saying that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It's tough being strong isn't it? But there is the bright light.

The people of the Coast are a remarkable bunch. I was always proud of my Mississippi heritage, but now even more so. The people have inspired me with their strength, determination, kindness, grace and grit. There is no place on earth I would rather live than here. However, I need a change, a fresh start so I will be relocating in a couple of years with the love of my life, I hope. Nothing is certain at this point. That is the other bright light Katrina blew into my life.

Life is getting better. Thank you for bringing tears to my eyes. The pain needs to come out a little at a time.

God Bless You!

-----

Re: Thank you! - no, thank YOU

My mind races as I attempt to type this, so bear with me if it's scattered. First, I'm so sorry to hear of the near loss and loss of your loved ones. I was fortunate enough not to have this experience, but I send my condolences. I can never think of a proper, wonderful thing to say in such a situation, so please forgive me.

Secondly, I am glad you have found the love of your life through all the destruction! My best wishes for you and yours. I must say Katrina brought me closer to my beau, who resided in Israel for a few years. I didn't think he understood the pain I was feeling deep in my soul until he said, hey you know I feel the same thing when I see my home in Israel being destroyed. At one point, we were both watching the destruction of our homes on television, feeling completely helpless because there really was NOTHING either of us could do. It was a real eye opener for us, and a deep connecting point that no one in my life in Boston could ever comprehend.

Yes, I have to agree with you. Being strong IS tough. Putting on that happy face every morning and pressing on is such a task some days. The week following Katrina, ( I was in Boston attending school ) I couldn't function. I couldn't eat, I didn't want to sleep because of the nightmares, I couldn't call home, Home couldn't call me ( I still had a MS cell phone number ), I couldn't go to work. I was a mess. And again, no one in Boston understood. Plus, the media just kept going on and on about NO. Yes, I love NO too, don't get me wrong. I feel a STRONG desire around mid Feb to lift my shirt and scream for beads (haha just joking), but let's not forget the other two states that were hit just as hard, if not harder, ya know?

I felt and feel the same surge of pride you mentioned, and now don't hesitate to tell people that my heart was there and Katrina stole a piece. My birthplace, my first home, the place I cut and lost my first tooth, the first beach I ever remember (even that nasty eggish smell became endearing!!), my first birthday party, my first legal beer(!), my first everything basically - is just gone. Like that.

But there IS the bright light. I'm thankful for the opportunity I have here in Boston. After she passed through, I felt an intense NEED to be home and not in Boston, but I believe my father said it best, "Honey you ARE doing the best thing for your state right now. You are getting an education and maintaining a full-time job. That income comes right back to your family and friends, and that's the best thing you could do for the whole state right now." It's true, though. I'm helping my parents out by covering my own expenses and saving money for the future.

I noticed on your profile though that you are sitting for your real estate license this weekend, so good luck!! Also, I hope your pictures are picked for the documentary. You have such a keen eye for nature and it brings a positive light back to Mississippi. Thank you for everything and God Bless YOU!

September 20, 2006

It is gathering, building, gaining strength. I fear it will lay waste to all in its path. How do you stop the wind from blowing? How to you keep the rain from falling?

I need shelter. I need a respite from the dark cloud on my horizon. I must be at my best during the next 5 days. My future depends on my ability to concentrate without concerns for the threat of a brewing storm.

September 15, 2006

I have never been claustrophobic. I think I am becoming so. I find it more and more difficult to stay in my little world. The walls seem to close in on me, the room shrinks to fit me like a second skin. Maybe it is all in my head, maybe the idleness is too much, maybe there is something or someone I miss. I am beginning to hate it here.

I will be testing for my real estate license in 9 days and, with luck, will be starting a new career within a couple of weeks of the testing. I can hardly wait. I will finally have something productive to do. I have always worked, always been active with one project or another outside of work. Now I just sit at the computer, read, watch TV or wander the neighborhood taking pictures. My thoughts wander and my imagination runs wild; not in a good way sometimes. I have never been so bored in my life.

And, there is someone out there I miss being with. We can do anything or nothing, it doesn’t matter, I am happiest with my special one at my side. I can only hope that productive activity will ease the loneliness, cure the claustrophobia to a degree and provide much needed income. I believe it will. In the mean time, I think I will buy a model to build; a ship or maybe an airplane. My space is so limited it will have to small; maybe I will get 2 or 3. It will give my mind a positive activity.

Heck, I have access to a comfortable home in Laurel. I don’t have these restless feelings while there. There really isn’t any reason for me suffer this metal box with my presence. I can study there as easily as here. There is a kitchen, washer and drier, a real shower and a comfortable bed. I do not rest well here. So, since I never unpack a bag, I will again head north Wednesday afternoon. Then on Sunday, it is off to Jackson for testing Monday morning.

You have changed my world. Since we met I see life with new eyes, there is beauty all around. I listen to music with renewed appreciation. Some songs evoke warm memories; others make long held hopes seem within my grasp. You have introduced me to new ideas, new goals, new experiences. You have opened my eyes, freed my heart and refreshed my soul. You have been good for me.

I can never thank you enough for all you have done for me without realizing your impact on me. I feel more nearly whole, more at ease with myself, more hopeful for the future and I feel wanted. You have touched me in ways you are unaware of and to depths no one has ever reached.