Royal Wedding Winners & Losers

The crowds have left Hyde Park. Kate — or is it Catherine now? – Middleton’s wedding dress has been knocked off and is headed to neighborhood bridal salons. The thousands of journalists who descended on London have returned home. When all was said and done, two people had an uneventful, albeit extraordinarily big and expensive, wedding. Perhaps the whole thing could have been covered as a very special episode of “Say Yes to the Long-Sleeved Dress.” Now that everyone has had a few days to recover from their all-night television binge, the royal winners and losers have emerged.

Winners

Pippa Middleton and Prince Harry: Few Americans had heard of the younger Middleton sister, Pippa, prior to the wedding. Her beautiful face and surprisingly sexy Maid of Honor dress instantly made her an International It Girl — and made a lot of Americans ponder how bizarre it was for a bridesmaid to be wearing white. Prince Harry AKA The Cute Prince seemed to be very appreciative. Though his on and off-again girlfriend attended the wedding, the world has decreed that Harry and Pippa are destined to be together. The Facebook page “Pippa Middleton is single – Prince Harry likes this” has over 87,000 fans. Given Harry’s penchant for somewhat scandalous behavior and the unlikelihood that he will ever be king, their theoretical romance would make one heck of a reality show.

Pouting Three Year Old Flower Girl: Young Grace Van Cutsem, William’s goddaughter, was just trying to cover her ears to block out the noise of the planes flying over Buckingham Palace. She was, after all, far too young to understand why the marriage of a couple members of her extended family was such a big deal. The still photos of her seemingly glowering at the proceedings became an instant Internet meme. Congratulations Grace, you are the new Rebecca Black.

Beatrice and Eugenie: Every fairytale needs a couple of wicked stepsisters. When Sarah Ferguson’s daughters Beatrice and Eugenie marched towards Westminster Abbey wearing two truly ridiculous hats, they assumed this role. Given that their mother was not invited due to her scandalous attempts to offer people access to Prince Andrew in exchange for vast sums of money, their hats initially seemed like an attempt to thumb their noses at the whole affair. Closer investigation proved they had a history of bizarre headgear choices, furthering the Fergusons reputation as the tacky side of the Royal Family. Oprah Winfrey reportedly has ordered reshoots of Sarah Ferguson’s reality series “Finding Sarah” for OWN because the original footage was too dull. Surely footage of Beatrice and Eugenie in a series of outlandish hats would turn the show into a hit.

Sherri Shepherd: On Friday’s episode of “The View,” after watching footage of the wedding co-host Shepard quipped, “Where are all the black people?” The comedienne was clearly joking, but it was written about as if she were genuinely upset. However, Shepherd, who infamously once claimed she was not sure if the earth was round, made another intellectually questionable remark. England has different demographics than the United States. Only about two percent of the population is black. Because the vast majority of the guests were members of the British aristocracy, who are by definition WASPs, there was not much opportunity for a diverse guest list. William has volunteered in Africa and seems to respect all cultures. Let him ascend to the throne before criticizing him for failing to modernize the monarchy.

Television Journalists: The Royal Wedding merited hundreds of hours of television coverage during the month of April. It’s not like it was a slow news month, with all the unrest in the Middle East. Yet cable news devoted a great deal of time to speculating about who was going to design the wedding dress. Coverage of the event itself started over an hour before William and Kate arrived at the Abbey, as if it the arrivals were the Red Carpet at the Oscars. The problem was most of the attendees were unknown to the vast majority of television viewers, there were no interviews, and the fashions were less than inspiring. That left news anchors and alleged royal insiders to make inane small talk until the ceremony began. It was overkill.

Time Zones: 22.7 million Americans tuned in for the wedding ceremony itself, far less than the 37.6 million who watched the Oscars. However, the Royal Wedding was hindered by airing at the crack of dawn — 6 A.M. on the east coast and 3 A.M. on the west coast. If they really wanted to endear themselves to Americans, the Royals should have scheduled their nuptials to take place during our prime time.