Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Mother's Day: Shake Rattle and Roll

A day that celebrates Mothers. How odd to the traumatized child who has been abused or abandoned to celebrate these scary people. Mother's Day used to leave me shaken. It was the day I could expect my boys with RAD to act out more than any other day of the year. It was the day I ended feeling unloved and exhausted.

Not any more.

Here is what I do. Make Mother's Day about my mother and mother in law. It is the day I focus on being thankful for the mother I have. I talk about it with my boys and make sure they know I am thinking of her. Keep it low key. It doesn't need to be a big production.

Do something fun. If they cannot handle it, leave them with your husband and go with the kids who can. If you do this be very careful in your delivery. It is needs to be a loving "You are acting scared today and need to stay safely home with dad. I understand this is a tough day for you and I'm not going to push you to do things you are uncomfortable with." NOT "You are not behaving so you can't go."

Plant a bush or flower in honor of a mother who hs died. Talk about how special she was and remember the good times.

Go for an hour or so for some time alone. Go to a movie, a pedicure, or just a long walk through a pretty park. One of my favorites is a coffee shop with a newspaper or magazine.

We do not have to have tradition Mother's Days if it is not the right fit for our family. Make it your own way that works for you. We have traumatized kids. They cannot suddenly be untraumatized because we want things a certain way.

My heart is heavy with Mother's Day coming up. I have no one positive to focus on (would you believe my own mother has attachment issues, too?!?!!). So I turn it (in my own mind) into "Son's Day" and enjoy every bit of my beautiful (non RAD) boy. He brings me joy and peace. If not for him, I don't know where I'd be.

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Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder (as listed by Mayo Clinic)

"Reactive attachment disorder is broken into two types — inhibited and disinhibited. While some children have signs and symptoms of just one type, many children have both.

Inhibited type:In inhibited reactive attachment disorder, children shun relationships and attachments to virtually everyone. This may happen when a baby never has the chance to develop an attachment to any caregiver.Signs and symptoms of the inhibited type may include:Resisting affection from parents or caregiversAvoiding eye contactAppearing to seek contact but then turning awayDifficulty being comfortedPreferring to play aloneAvoiding physical contactFailing to initiate contact with othersAppearing to be on guard or waryEngaging in self-soothing behavior

Disinhibited type:In disinhibited reactive attachment disorder, children form inappropriate and shallow attachments to virtually everyone, including strangers. This may happen when a baby has multiple caregivers or frequent changes in caregivers.Signs and symptoms of the disinhibited type may include:Readily going to strangers, rather than showing stranger anxietySeeking comfort from strangersExaggerating needs for help doing tasksInappropriately childish behaviorAppearing anxiousA word of caution: Not all experts agree on the signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder. Some attachment therapists use checklists with numerous nonspecific signs and symptoms that go well beyond what the American Psychiatric Association includes in its definition of the disorder. Be cautious when trying to interpret checklists that include such symptoms as lack of eye contact, rage, aggression, lying, stealing, hoarding food, an apparent lack of a conscience, nonstop chatter, and a desire to wield control. These nonspecific symptoms are difficult to apply to any one diagnosis."

My own two children present their cases of RAD very differently from one another. A professional diagnosis is necessary as other disorders share some of the symptoms. If you are frustrated because your child has worked with a variety of therapists and a variety of treatments with no change maybe you should have him/her checked for RAD with an experienced Attachment Therapist. There is help. You are not alone.

Disclaimer:

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a profound disturbance. If you suspect your child may have RAD please seek the professional counsel of an attachment therapist. Above you will find links that will hopefully help you find an attachment therapist. This blog is just my thoughts and ideas as an adoptive mom. I do not know your child and cannot be responsible for results from trying any ideas you find on this blog.

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About Me

I am a children's therapist from Nebraska. My husband and I have raised 5 children. Two were diagnosed with RAD. They struggle in many ways, but have grown to be productive members of society and living on their own. There is hope for your child.