Reflections of a bipolar & love addicted sista

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I could not stomach being in his presence any longer and left a few moments later. He texted me several minutes later and asked if I was upset and apologized. His apology didn’t matter to me at this point. He even had the audacity to hint around that he wanted to fool around. I was offended and I told him that it was best that we never saw each other again. I cried. I cried for being so stupid. I cried for letting him disrespect all this time. I cried because I diminished my self-worth every time I was involved with him.

All these thoughts ran through my mind. What if he actually slept with that crossdresser? Did they had unprotected sex? Were there more? Also, how many women did he have unprotected with? What if he infected me with HIV? My last HIV test was January 2012. Why did I wait so long to get retested? He wasn’t the only person I was sexually involved with either. What was I thinking? I needed to get tested ASAP!

I’m not saying that he’s prone to HIV because of the crossdresser. Seeing all these pics made me realize that he was most likely engaging in reckless behavior.

The next morning, I purchased OraQuick In-Home HIV Test at the pharmacy for about $40. My heart raced on the walk home. I could barely breathe. I read the instructions over and over again. After several minutes of calming myself down, I finally took the test. I swabbed my lower and upper gums and placed the test stick inside the test tube.

After 20 excruciating minutes, I pulled off the cover to reveal the results. There was one line by “C” and there wasn’t a line next to “T”. It meant that I tested negative for HIV. Even though I was relieved, it still did not give me peace of mind. I had to retest in a clinical setting. I had to be sure.

A couple of weeks later, I went to the clinic and took a STD and HIV screening. The HIV results came in 45 minutes and were negative. I felt so at ease and it taught me a good lesson. It taught me that I cannot trust anyone with my body. It is my responsibility. I also need to get tested regularly especially if I’m sexually active. I also should have protected sex 100% of the time. It also taught me that you never know what someone is hiding from you. I would have never dreamt that he had an affinity for crossdressers.

We have not communicated since that night. We cross paths on occasions and pretend that we don’t see each other.

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I have learned, relearned and currently learning several things throughout my 32 years of life. There are some things that I wish I could tell my younger self. Would I have listened? I do not know but it would have been worth a shot. But not all hope is lost though. I still have a chance to turn some of these things around. I would tell my younger self:

Sex does not equate love.

Do not be afraid to speak your mind.

Love yourself.

Stuffing your face or vagina does not solve any of your problems.

Do not let anyone violate you and get away with it. Tell someone!

Do not be afraid to try something new.

Trust your instincts.

Do not conform in order to make others feel better.

You are beautiful and worthy.

Do not put other people’s feelings before your own. Your feelings matter too!

Pick 1 major in college and stick with it.

Apply for more scholarships to avoid raking up student loans.

Do not make some jerk the center of your universe.

Do not change yourself or stick around hoping that some jerk will love or choose you.

Adopt a healthier lifestyle.

Do not give your power away.

When you realize it is time to let go, please let go.

Avoid credit card debt.

Be more confident.

Do not be anyone’s flunkie!

Do not hold any grudges.

Do not become involved with a man who is romantically and emotionally unavailable.

Do not let past mistakes or missed opportunities consume you.

Become more proactive and positive. Do not give up so easily when you are depressed or frustrated.

Getting help for a mood disorder should not make you feel embarrassed or less than a person.