The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have put something terrible on the internet, a 32,000-word piece of what we can only assume is advertorial content presented as the kind of #longform journalism that is meant to get Serious Readers stiff.

There's no goddamn way we are going to read this, mostly because reading 32,000 words produced by the freaking Tampa Bay Buccaneers about the freaking Tampa Bay Buccaneers sounds less pleasant than a good kick to the balls. Still, we don't want to completely write off this colossal achievement in brand management. There might be some good inside info in there! So we present the following offer to our readers: The first one of you to read this thing in its entirety and post a detailed and informative summary in the discussion section below will receive $23.42, some books from our desk, and a few issues of deputy editor Tim Marchman's Moon Knight comic books. This is a completely serious offer.