A.P., Chicago- Mark Prior was diagnosed Monday morning with "DBS" (Dusty Baker Syndrome). This was disclosed by an annonymous source inside the Chicago Cubs organization who is probably dead by now. "DBS" is a a disease that can go undetected until you are traded to a particular major league team. Symptoms of "DBS" include a pain sensation in the shoulder and elbow even though doctors around you insist that nothing is wrong with you. This source also disclosed that Kerry Wood is suffering from "DBS", but this is just speculation. The only rumored cure for "DBS is to rub some Bobby Cox or some Tony Larussa on the affected areas once or twice a week, although these cures are hard to find in Illinois. Jason Schmidt, who was rumored to previously have "DBS", allegedly was able to cure it by treating the arm with some Felipe Alou. What can you do if you think you have "DBS"? Well, its not an exact science but see your doctor immediately but be sure to avoid Dr. Jim Hendry and Dr. Larry Rothschild in Chicago becasue they are known to misdiagnose this problem. Also, if you are on the mound in the 6th inning and you have already thrown 120 pitches and someone with a toothpick tells you to get out there and make him proud, all you have to do is softly walk the first three batters and symptoms will subside. Remember, once you are diagnosed with "DBS" you will be told for about a month that you are fine before someone steps in to offer you any help.

Yes doctor, I am sick.Sick of those who are spineless.Sick of those who feel self-entitled.Sick of those who are hypocrites.Yes doctor, an army is forming.Yes doctor, there will be a war.Yes doctor, there will be blood.....