Thursday, 19 July 2012

I would have written last week, but I was too busy being hurt on account of Deepika. So, I refrained. But the high road and making nice is not where I’m at.

As a result, this is my vicious, open letter to you on the internet.

You suck !!

*Dammitt* I promised myself, I would lead with a logical argument.

The thing is, Meera, every story starts at the beginning. You were once the blubbering girl, in the loo of a wasted diner. You were also chilling on the curb of Heathrow’s smallest exit. You were also, homeless, friendless and clearly without any survival skills. Basically hon, you were dead meat.

Let’s ignore the, ‘what was she thinking’, when D took you in. She clearly believed, that despite her parents being AWOL, most other people were decent and deserved decency back. You set her straight there, didn’t you ?

Other than the odd dusting around the house, which ANY room mate with a sense of responsibility will do, salwar kameez notwithstanding, you didn’t really contribute much. D, on the other hand, publically humiliated a guy who was a jerk to you. You said he was a jerk. She believed you, and demonstrated what standing up to someone looked like.

You continued to purr and hiss at her new boyfriend. A guy, you claimed to hate and despise, and D who you claimed was your sister. Don’t worry, your feelings were nouveau schizophrenic, we get that ! Anyway, said jerk, says THREE nice things to you on a beach, when his REAL girlfriend is wasting Cape Town sunsets indoors. You promptly make big, Bambi, love eyes at him. Wearing your risqué-st playsuit, you decide to dance with abandon to what should really be D’s song !

Main hun hi nahi iss duniya ki ?!? REALLY !

(Aside- This constant eye rolling is getting in the way of furiously pounding the keyboard !)

Like, the real hero of this movie, D decides to leave her toy boy with you. Faith, love, goodness implicit. Of course, when the cat is away, Meera will play.
Please don’t even try to innocent, small town yourself, that the beach dance wasn’t intimate. But, that’s what you did. And when you finally kissed, you did the “oh, no, what just happened, this kiss completely blindsided me.”

I think the Kiss was the real climax of the story.

I waited for you, Meera, to recoil, in horror, disgust, shock and repeat “how could I do this?!”.
Or, fling yourself off the scenic cliff for being the WORST FRIEND EVER.
Seriously, that would be an ok storyline for me too.
You, of course, discussed logistics with Gautam and seeing obvious operational problems like “aaj tum uske room mein sote ho, kal mere room mein aa jaogey”, you decided it was a no go.

Again, the key point was not that Meera and Gautam kissed. Fine, I’m from the 21st century and aware of the “shit happens” code. But, it would be truly lovely if you could man up and TELL YOUR FRIEND. When Gautam tries to do the honest thing, of at least telling the poor girl, you go all, “oh no, stop! Please don’t *whimper whimper*”

The story is long, and I am out of patience to recount your scummy ways. But, here is where I disagree. While the on-going debate on morality and sluts vs good girls is fine for Cocktail.

The real debate should be

Why did the bad scummy friend get away with it, in the end?
OR
Meera- stop cleaning book shelves and clean your moral code!

I expected, elaborate diatribes on the terrible friend Meera was!

So, dear Meera, repeat after me,

No matter how hot, I think my roommate and best friend’s , almost middle aged, semi balding boy toy is. I will not go after him. If I do, I will tell her. I will not be a passive-aggressive person, currently competing for Most Ungrateful Person Ever.

Friday, 13 July 2012

It's only de rigueur, to return more centred after a vacation. You can't visit an exotic island and come back, having learnt nothing new about yourself. Even if all you learnt was that sand, really does get in uncomfortable places and tan lines are beautiful only on the beach.

Here are my pearls of wisdom :

1. There is something called Vacation Lighting- Much like soft lighting, it makes everything you wear and everybody around, look just that much better. It also makes decision making, hazier- like trusting a fruity drink with a flower in it ( The Beach's answer to hard liquor). Think about it, when have you made fluid, floppy decisions under fluorescent lighting?

Vacation Lighting is beautiful and dangerous. As all beautiful things are.

2. A bongo playing hippy lives in all of us - Even the Suits. Maybe you will recognize them getting massages bare chested, with slim ties on. But, there is a collective effect that vacation goers have on one another. Suddenly, even the most in control, type A personality can be seen dancing with other people.

This effect is escalated if you travel in a group, or as backpackers. Most conversations begin in hoots and only conclusively end in high fives.

3. There is life meaning everywhere- Even those who are completely content with their jobs (who are you? And if you're reading this during office hours- you know you're not), stumble onto some form of life lessons, while on holiday.

Unlike, regular life, these lessons seem to serendipitously occur everywhere. From street signs to random doodles on beach shack napkins.
It was only this trip, that a woman tore across the beach yelling, "that's it I QUIT". Rumor has it, her waiter served her a pudding with a small message scrawled in chocolate sauce- You can do it.

Cynics would argue, that these signs can be found even in your everyday life. But really, when you're rushing to finish that power point presentation in Tahoma, who has the time to look for messages from the Universe.

4. It's only special, because it didn't last forever - One of the much abused and over used words in most young people (I forget if we are gen x/y/z) lexicon is forever. I will love you, forever.

This movie is my favorite, ever.

No, it is not, young lady. Now put that down and go eat your greens.

What makes a holiday special, is that it gets over. There was a definitive end in sight, which let you carpe diem each day with reckless abandon and too little sunscreen. No matter how beautiful the island, how tropical the fish, if you had to stay there, forever- the chinks in the armour would only be too obvious.
Other vacationers would irritate you, and career choices would be limited toOpen a beach shackvs.Open a beach shack and bar.

The magic truly lies in the impending demise of these days. You take more pictures, smile a whole lot more, forgive, otherwise irritating, habits of your travel companions, and finally, find a zen place.

5. Honey, I told her she wasn't that important - Because, you're really not. None of us are. Neither are the daily crises we are always entangled in.

There is something bigger, better, more beautiful out there. You could find it in oddly coloured corals at the bottom of the sea-bed, or in late night conversations under the starlit sky.

This has to be the most reassuring thought- I'm not that important. Neither are these problems. Not today, anyway.

" I must down to the seas again to the vagrant gypsy life.To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over"
- Masefield