Wednesday, February 25, 2015

In my lady-of-leisure lifestyle, I've become my grandmother, only without the tidy-cleany parts. I've got the cooky-bakey parts only so far. I think when I have a life upheaval I go through a cooking phase. It sort of re-grounds me. This week I made a pot of chicken and noodles, with homemade noodles. My first, Reader.

Are you wondering how I made homemade noodles with eight nosey cats? Well, I found the secret. 2:00 cat nap time. They couldn't give a shit what's going on in the kitchen at two in the afternoon because they are all in the bedroom, down for their naps. I was able to knead and roll and cut and dry three pans full of egg noodles, and they were worth the little bit of effort.

I would have made an excellent wife.

In other unemployment news, I've realized just this week that I need to put myself on a schedule. Because nothing is getting done, because I can do it tomorrow, because tomorrow's Saturday. Every day is Saturday, Reader.I'm really enjoying that part, but so far I've done not one thing on my to-do list, except I met my childhood friendie for lunch today, so that's one thing. Yay me, because I'm rewarding myself for every achievement. It's the first time I've driven in a week.The other interesting things I've done have involved booking trips. Because for some reason, out of the woodwork I've been getting all sorts of free trip offers. Just today I had a free offer to go to Biloxi next week, and it's colder than a witches titty here so Biloxi sounds like a delight. I didn't book that yet, because I instead booked a free cruise for March. I received the offer in error, but Royal Caribbean said they'd honor their error and I could go on the cruise. Now I'm just deciding if I'm driving down, flying down - what makes the most economical sense. Because I'm unemployed and thrifty, Reader, in case you didn't pick up on that part yet due to all the trips I'm booking.I'm going to go early which ever way I decide and stay and visit my daddy-o for a few days and hog up all the sunbeams I can.Then in April? I go on another cruise, this time with my friendie. So if you're keeping count, Reader, that will be three cruises in three months. I'd say that's the best way to do unemployment. At least for now. In 26 weeks, if I'm still unemployed, it may be a different story.But right now? It's the shit.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

As the wind blows, nothing stays the same. Always moving, always pushing, sometimes not in the direction you expect, but perhaps the direction you need.

The winds pushed me, Reader, right into a new direction. Tuesday was the end of my Tiny Town era. I'm now a yoga-pant-wearing, home-meal-cooking stay at home UnWife.

It was completely unexpected, except maybe I should have expected it, because I truly believe the Universe listens. And for three years I've been talking to it, expressing my distress and unhappiness and my every-day anxiety about my job at Tiny Town.

While my job sounds like it should have been a good time, the stress far outweighed the perks. I haven't slept well on a Sunday night in three years.

Since Tuesday, I've never slept better.

It wasn't personal, or just me - I had good company in the layoff. Seventeen in total, I've been told, spread out throughout the organization.

Funnily enough, when I heard that morning that there were going to be layoffs, I said "Are they taking volunteers??" Joke was on me, and I didn't need to volunteer after all.

It had to happen, Reader. Just a month or so ago, I was driving in to work and passed a car accident and said in my brain, "Man, I wish that was me. Not enough to be seriously injured, just enough for a few weeks to a month out."

The Universe was listening, but spared me the accident.

I hope it's still listening because I'm telling it all sorts of things about what I want in my next chapter.

I've got a giant to-do list now that I have unexpected time.

Painting.

Writing.

Fixing. Getting to the parts of the house that have never quite got organized since I moved here.

Budgeting.

Visiting.

Cooking.

Exercising.

Dancing.

Lunching. With my tribe that I've missed so much these past three years.

Vacationing. Yes, you read that correctly. I've had a trip planned since last April, and now I get to go on it without the stress of time off.

I have the new stress of money, and I'm not making light of that, but I'm really not as worried. Somehow it will all just work out.

My dad recounted his story of unemployment, 45 years ago. Stay-at-home pregnant wife, 2 kids. He got laid off on May 1st, my brother was born May 11th. Out of work 22 months. And guess what? Fast forward 45 years and the whole family made it through, none the worse for wear, and my dad has been enjoying retirement for many years already.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Ever since I got back from vacation I've been a little obsessed with water, Reader. Maybe because I was surrounded by it for so many days. Often, while I looked out at the ocean from my balcony on the cruise ship it crossed my mind what a better experience I was having than the guy from the movie Unbroken, and I wondered if he had ever wanted to go on a cruise ship and I made up my own answer of probably not. I know my dad won't go on a cruise and he lives in Florida and could easily hop aboard one, but his response is always, (read with a Virginia twang, I don't know how to type with a southern accent) "I travelled overseas on a boat durrin' the war, I don't need to do that again!" And he cannot be convinced it wouldn't be similar at all. He's been enough places, he says. But back to the point of this story, which is water. Good 'ol H2O. I met a guy who happens to be one of Frankie Valli's Seasons, and we were talking a lot about water. He is a believer and a distributor of the Kangen water ionization system, and we had a lot of chats about it, and water in general. I'm considering getting one, or something similar (but less expensive) for the kitchen. Maybe. I need to do more research before I shell out thousands of dollars. And mull it over. Because for $4k, I could buy a hot tub, which is also water, and could bring me even more joy. I need to pick and choose my water needs. In the meantime, I came home from my trip and got busy with one of the things The Season and I talked about, which was how the body loses two cups of water just from sleeping, and probably more like four cups in my case in direct proportion to how much I sleep. Two cups are for amateur sleepers. I went pro a long time ago. So instead of my morning cuppa coffee on my way into work, I now drink two cups of water with a half a sliced up Meyer Lemon in it before I'm allowed my coffee "treat." The first Monday back to work, where I also put this new plan into practice because I'm apparently a glutton for punishment, I thought I'd feel cranky and tired. Nay, nay, Reader. It had just the opposite effect. I was spunky and lively and didn't even get the 2 o'clock snoozies that normally set in. I drank more water throughout the day, with the Meyer Lemon providing a refreshing little twist and I walked more than normal due to the frequent fill-ups and emptying-s. Now, Reader. Don't think I don't know all about how water's good for you, and adding lemon is beneficial, blah blah blah. I know all that. Just sometimes, I need to re-hear things, and then it settles into my brain and I think, "Yeah, I'm gonna give that a go." So it's not like I even think I'm providing you with novel information. I'm not. You probably already drink me under the table and do some other even healthier things. I'm just saying, I'm starting up some healthy habits, and water is my focus at the moment. And because I'm trying up something new, and feeling good about things, I figured I'd pass along something GREAT to you, Reader, which makes this my first ever Trixie Bang Bang Giveaway, and it has nothing to do with my vagina, so I can hear your sighs of relief all the way over here. I mean, I've given that thing away plenty over the years, ya'll deserve something brand-spanking new and nice. What you're going to get, Reader, is one of my newest, most favorite things. I had mentioned this on Facebook a few weeks ago, and I finally got my order and love these things so damn hard, I want to share the joy. Because I'm like Oprah, only poorer-er and more sweary-er, but basically I'm good people despite what you may have read on the bathroom walls. All you have to do is leave a comment and tell me about your most favorite health tip - one that's easy to do, Reader, something I might actually try, so don't give me some nonsense about joining a crossfit gym, because crazy talk - OR you share your most favorite thing here that is not exercise or vagina-related - OR you just say hi (and tell me I'm pretty and nice, because hey while you're here). The point is, you have to leave a comment so I know who to put into the hat to pick. "But what do we get for all that effort, Trixie??" I hear you all the way over here, and know you're anxious to find out your Major Award.

One winner will get one of my newest, most favorite thing, which is a Simbi Clay bracelet.

Now, let me tell you a little bit about this fantastical prize. I met the VP of this little company and fell in love with their mission statement and product. Simbi clay collection is made of pure clay harvested in the mountains of Haiti. They are hand-rolled, baked and painted by hand. The beads are 100% organic and biodegradable, thus nurturing the earth's cycle of life. Each clay bracelet creates 15 sustainable jobs in Haiti. And this is where the gift ties back to the whole water theme of this post: Each bracelet sold provides one gallon of clean water to Haiti.

One winner will get their choice of either a Purple or Grey bracelet. Each bracelet has two teensy charms, one is stamped with H2O, the other with the Simbi logo. This is a $28 value, Reader, and it can be yours FREE because Trixie believes in paying it forward. No jokies here, I feel so fortunate that I met the wonderful person who works for this company, hearing about their mission, and having the opportunity to buy these myself - I'm excited to share with you. All you need to do is share your words, and I'll share the bracelet. You'll get to feel like you're doing something good for the world, only you're not really, because I did all the good, but you can pretend. We don't judge here. And once you get yours you can go and buy more to have a whole jangalie arm of bracelets, and everyone will ask you about your awesome bracelet and then they'll tell two friends, and so on and so on....

Here are the basic giveaway rules:1/ Must leave a comment with a name so I can put it in a hat (probably will be a bowl because I don't have a hat, except for a Cabo Wabo hat that I bought while drunk-shopping in Cabo several years ago, so actually that might be the hat I use because fitting). 2/All comments must be posted with this entry, not some other random entry about Oreo's, they won't count. 3/Giveaway comments must be posted by Saturday, February 28th at midnight EST. But if you post it later than that, I'll probably take it, too, because I'll be sleeping at midnight most likely. So basically, I have to see your comment when I get up Sunday morning March 1st, whatever time that might be. 4/ Winner will be picked on Sunday March 1st. It may get crazy around here and have a video drawing so there's no question of shenanigans. 5/ Bracelet will be shipped out within three days of my receiving winner's mailing address. I'll even ship this internationally, because I'm pretty sure there's a low risk to that commitment. 6/ Trixie Bang Bang reserves all rights to kick out any comment that is mean, shitty or otherwise offensive to either herself, her blog, her cats, her vagina, the bracelets, or any other comment she hates, for that matter. Because it's her give-away so suck it if you don't like the rules. From the Simbi website: Clean water is our answer to save lives, improve lives, and empower lives and will hopefully eradicate the cholera outbreak that surfaced in Haiti 3 years ago.

I think I've covered it all here, Reader. The first official Trixie Bang Bang Giveaway. And water. Delicious, refreshing, who-needs-coffee-in-the-morning water. Leave a comment. We can be arm-twinsies.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Time flies when you're having fun, which is why ten days of vacation flew by in a blink. Here I sit, back at the kitchen table at Chez Bang Bang, unpacked, laundered, cats smooched and petted, house re-dirtied. When we got home the house was quite clean as my brother cat-sat and kept the place tidy. Well, he may have lived quite slovenly while we were gone until the very last day for all I know, but it was neat as a pin and smelled good when we got in. Today, the normal dishevel exists in some spots. I don't know how, because in my mind I keep things nice. Reality seems to be different. It confirms what I've long known, in that I need a wife. Because my brother? Also made a crockpot of some sort of chicken and pineapple dish for dinner for tonight, before he left for work. Which I'm eating now, and my mouth is happy about it. I need a wife to make this a daily event for me. Anyway, that leads us right into where we can go next, which is a What I've Put In My Mouth Lately recap. First of all, I've found the key to my diet success. It's going to involve my moving to one of the A-B-C Islands, which is where I just came from. Aruba, Curacao, Bonaire. Any of these will do. For my health, Reader, so really, this move should be covered by my insurance. Maybe if I had ObamaCare it would be, as one of my ex-friends** seems to think all good things go to Welfare recipients on ObamaCare, at her personal expense.The menu on these Dutch islands has a lot of interesting food choices, which we had to try as we always like to try the local flavors on vacation. On our first stop in Bonaire we had lunch. The choice was between bitterballen or frikandellen, although I was curious what a "Spice secret receipt cheesecake" was all about.

We chose the bitterballen, because the name was fun.

Reader. It had a soft meaty interior that was a little on the too-moist side for me. One bite and I didn't need to have another. Lucky for me I was with the Garbage Can, a.k.a My Mister, who will eat anything put in front of him.He deemed them quite tasty, and even was willing to order them again at our next beach break in Curacao. For me, the best part of the meal was the view:

And the beer, Amstel Bright, which is way better than that stink oil Corona.

Lunch on Curacao had a lot of choices with fun names, such a Broodje, Kaassoufle, Kroket and more Frikandels.

I bypassed all of these choices and chose the catch of the day, which was really fishy and sort of made me queasy for the rest of the day, while My Mister had the chicken sate. I know this will surprise you, but he really liked his selection and deemed it delicious. The best part of what I put in my mouth in Curacao was the Pepsi, made with Real Sugar, because it does taste better.

Despite my fishy fish, the view was as beautiful in Curacao as it was the day before in Bonaire:

So you can see why these islands would be the perfect diet plan for me, Reader. I've finally found entire islands with food I don't like, but with views and beverages I love, so it seems like a perfect health care plan. Plus, I'd have plenty of Vitamin D, which is a bonus. I believe this is what the corporate jargon calls a win-win. I've been gone from the corporate world for so long I've sort of forgotten, but it will come crashing back harshly in about 12 hours. Insert sad face and anxiety here. On a P.S note, we did find a really mangy-looking cat on Bonaire when we stopped to taste some cactus liquor. My Mister declared that just because you can marinate cactus and call it a liquor doesn't mean you should. So there, Reader, we've found something he doesn't like. But back to the mangy cat. I spied her and started to reach down to give her a scratch, but I swear to God the thought flashed through my mind that I might have to declare it when I came home through Customs. There's that section where you have to check yes or no if you've been on a farm and touched stuff. While we weren't on a farm, she was so patchy looking she looked like something I would have to declare.

I gave her a tentative scratch, but Kenny wasn't at all going to let a case of the mange stop him from a full-onslaught cuddle.

That kitty was named Jo-Jo and the people at the cactus liquor stand said she's splotchy looking and skinny because she's allergic to almost all cat foods. But then again, they could have just been drunk-talking from all that horrible cactus liquor. So there you have it. A lot of bad things in my mouth, a possible case of international mange, and back to work tomorrow. Happy Week to you, Reader. **as an aside to this post, I've had my first friendship dumping over politics, Reader! I never really saw that as a possibility, because I tend to keep my political opinions off of social media, my blog, etc., and therefore avoid senseless debates that sway no one ever. But not everyone is similarly minded, and when I finally had the audacity to say, "I don't agree with that, you believe X, I believe Y," well, the next thing I knew my weekend company was packing their bags at midnight and left my house and I was not only un-friended on Facebook, but blocked as well, so take that, Me. What did we ever do before we could block someone on Facebook, Reader?? What was the equivalent "take that"?? Anyway, I know I'm blocked by about three people (maybe more!) already so perhaps I am the problem, haha. People hate me hard out there. It's a good thing I like me just fine.

Throw a surprise party - CHECK! Kenny's 40th, Linda's 60th, My moms way back in the day.

Publish a piece of fiction

Have an offshore bank account - tried to do this in Grand Caymen, it's tougher than getting married! Letters of reference, bank statements..they want a lot of stuff to float my 50large around down there.

Swim with dolpins - check

Drink Guinness in an Irish Pub

Drink wine under the Tuscan sun - check

Use a bidet - CHECK! Trip to Italy 2006ish?

Swim in tropical waters - check

See the sun rise and set over the ocean in the same day - CHECK! Florida. We watched the sun set on the one coast, drove across the state, got up in the morning and watched the sun rise of the east coast the next morning.

Go on a safari

Ride in a helicopter - CHECK! During my "married to a policeman" years, friends with the police chopper pilot, took a few spins over the glorious city of Cleveland.

Whitewater rafting - CHECK! Back in my younger/married/unwiser years, rafted in WV, the Gulley River was one of 'em. Lived to tell about it.

Skydive - CHECK! During married/unwiser/braver years. Three times, I did. I was brave, had to do it again, and again to prove it wasn't just hormones, but actual braveness.