The 5 Stupidest Technology Questions Ever Googled

Technology wants to murder you. Maybe not literally, and maybe not metaphorically, either, but in some third way that you wouldn't even be able to wrap your head around because it's so advanced, its user interface so complex. Naturally, you are worried about the freedom we've so recklessly handed to machines in the name of convenience. Every new invention, every advancement in gadgetry is an encroachment on human control and, more importantly, your own personal relevance on Earth. But as you try to understand technology better, where can you turn for honest answers? Sadly, most people ask technology itself, naively thinking the Internet wouldn't be biased. But it is, it is biased. Google has been harvesting your searches and selling them to advertisers bent on selling you more technology.

But there is hope. For the better part of his parole, my Uncle Frank has been answering completely absurd but very real questions people ask search engines every day. In an extra effort this time around to fight technology with technology, he's upgraded his advice column to make the answers crawlable by search engines. What his guidance may lack in factual accuracy he makes up for in sincerity. Most importantly, these are exactly the answers humanity must have been hoping to hear when it pecked these insane questions into Google.

#5. What Rights Do Robots Have?

Look, we live in a time when being kindly and sensitive is more important to everyone than common sense. It's just something we have to put up with. Robots have pretty much the same rights as you, so that means it's only a matter of time before they're mixing them into our schools and letting them drink out of the same water fountains as us. I don't mean to scare you, but some day your daughter could be dating a robot. It's gotten that bad.

Plus, people are so excited to be open-minded that everyone forgot to write a single real law that robots have to live by, so they can pretty much do whatever they want. And guess what? No robots have ever been put in jail, either. Not once. It's like judges are in love with robots or something.

The worst part is that you can't do anything about it. Like say you're in your ex-girlfriend's trailer and you get spooked by one of those robot vacuums so you kick it through a wall. Everyone will treat you like a bad guy, even though that robot snuck up on you first.

Good luck out there,

Uncle Frank

#4. Hearing Voices Through Electronics, How to Stop It?

One of the worst things about technology is that it attracts ghosts like ticks to hair. Sometimes when you're just trying to record one of those late-night TV tit movies on VHS all you'll end up with is 90 minutes of spirits telling you to go dig body-sized holes in an old barn.

If you're hearing voices every time you turn your television to a dead channel or if you're hearing screams coming from your tape deck between songs, there's only one good way to get rid of them: Listen carefully and do exactly what they say.

You'll find that their requests are usually pretty reasonable. Most of it is stuff you've been sort of thinking about doing anyway, like pushing cursed cars into the lake by the highway or breaking into the house of that guy who was rude to you at the library once.

If you do what they say, usually they'll leave you alone. Probably because they get to go to heaven after you help them with their unfinished business in this world. It's just weird how many of them forgot to burn something down while they were alive.

Your pal,

Just Frank

#3. Who Invented the Ice?

No one knows for sure, but boy did that guy ruin things for the rest of us. Ice is the worst. It's always getting under car tires and sinking ships and hitting you in the face at the end of your drink. Ice never did anything good for anyone. If I had to guess, I'd bet it was probably some Canadian who invented it because he couldn't think of anything better to invent, like an MP3 player or a cellphone or something. Canadians pretend they love ice just to make the rest of us feel stupid when we don't know how to ice skate. But now we've got more ice than we know what to do with and it just gets in everyone's way.

You know, in some countries, like El Salvador, they don't even have ice, ever. Not even in January, and they're doing just fine. If I knew who invented ice, I'd hit him right in the jaw. Then I'd tell him to put some ice on it. What a jerk.