Ducane: Ducane's Log, Star date...
Sjet: Shut Up Ducane, you haven't got a log.
Ducane: Star Date 80495.9999999999
Ducane: I'm planning to replace the CMO with a hologram, then take over sickbay
Sjet: Note to self, eject Ducane out of air lock as soon as possible
Sjet: How do you like the new quarters?
Ducane: WOW! A balcony!
Ducane: Hey, I'm not falling for that one. I'm gonna use the patio doors instead

Ducane: I will now perform the technobabble manouvre
Sjet: You're insane, watch out for that planet.
Ducane: Wait, if I reconfigure the tachyon emitters, I can get them to make pork pies instead, then we can pie our way through space.
Sjet: You really are a doctor aren't you? Let me see that licence!
Sjet: Just as I thought! A fake! Come on, where on my lience does it say "Made By Starfleet Security"?
Ducane: Aha, I've also recombobulated the licensing Ostrich, I mean Buzzard, collectors, resulting in complete and total phase correlation with your right nostril. What do you say to that?
Sjet: Achooooo!
Ducane: That's what they all say....

Sjet: Come here, its time for a physic's lesson! A fist in motion remains in motion until Lt Ducane comes into contact with it! Achoooo!
Ducane: Take that Sjet (jabs button)
Sjet: Achooo, Achooo, Achooo (punches Ducane, console explodes, right nacelle detaches)
Sjet: I knew this thing was a death trap the moment I saw it! Who calls a ship the Enterprise for pete sake!
Ducane: That's a jar of olives you're talking to, get out of my chair.

Ducane: Wait!!!
Ducane: There's a nebula decloaking off the port bow
Sjet: No, that (gasps) thats the USS Paramount! There here to sue us you idiot! Open hailing freqencies! Open the porch doors! Open a bank account! And go to brown alert!
Ducane: Are you sure sir, I mean brown alert-
Sjet: Do it!
Ducane: That will mean changing the bulb sir!
Ducane: The bleeper is offline, Captain Ja'arda, please assist by making the alert sound
Ja'arda: Bleeeep, Bleeeep, Bleeeep
Ducane: The best I can give you is deep orange alert, Sir
Sjet: Damn the spectrum and full speed a head! Load the storyline cannons! We'#ll stuff a cople down there throats and keep them off our back for another season!

Ja'arda: Bleeeep, Bleeeep, Bleeeep
Ducane: They're coming into range, firing tribbles
Sjet: Line up Vaskels CD collection, Vulcans Greatest Hits should disable them long enough for us to run like Ferengi on a Bank Holiday!
Ducane: Aye sir, and may I say, we should load Vaskels CD collection, Vulcans Greatest Hits. It might disable them long enough for us to run like Ferengi on a Bank Holiday
Ja'arda: Bleep bleep bleep (sips water) bleep bleep can I stop now!
Sjet/Ducane: NO!
Sjet: Ducane, can't we simply eject the thingy majig from the whats-it called and pray to god?
Ducane: No, but we could eject the thingy majig from the whats-it called and pray to god
Sjet: Exactly what I was thinking! Do it! Or, we could order this rather nice china tea set from this Magazine "Ferengi Wear- We found it honest!"
Ducane: I think the tea-set sir. Shall I open boiling frequencies?
Sjet: Set phasers to, (stunned silence) decaf!
Ducane: Sir, I'll set phasers to decaf.
Sjet: Somethings not right here, is there an echo echo echo echo (slap) in here or is it me. (Pulls out Tricorder for Windows) Mr Ducane, I believe your suffering from blinking display syndrome, also known as temporal psychosis

Ducane: Sir, I'm reading an unauthorized transport onto the battle bridge, it's........ Wesley Crusher
Wesley: Acting is futile, your script will be edited! Adolescence is futile!
Sjet: Curse him. Ducane, detach the saucer section
Ducane: Sir, we haven't recieved the china teaset from the Ferengi yet
Sjet slaps Ducane
Ja'arda: Bleep bleep bleep
Sjet: This is no time for tea! Wesely is adapting to this era! He's growing a goatee! And Stop bleep bleeping!
Ducane: Shall I turn the lights back on Sir? And the saucer section is offline
Ja'arda: That's it! I quit! Nothing in my contract said anything about this! Wesley, come on were going over to the Fox Network!

Sjet: Turn the lights back on, and pour some peptobismol into the computer core!
Ducane: Aye Sir, shall I floss the bulkheads aswell?
Sjets eyebrow raises 10 inches
Sjet: Noo! Its to late! We've lost the ratings wars and are being turned into a DVD box set!
Ducane: All Hands, This is Admiral Ducane and Cadet Sjet, the USS Microsoft has found a bug in Microsoft Starship 2479, we are currently being turned into a box set.
Sjet: Quick! Everyone into the life boats! They'll never find us in the special features DVD!
Ducane: Feature This!! Engage gift wrapping speed Mr Murdock
Sjet: Hey, get out of my chair
Ducane: Stop beaming coffee directly into your system. We need the power for the shields
Sjet: No out of the chair! Or I'll turn us all into feature length episodes shown every Christmas day!

Ducane: Sir, Ja'arda and Crusher have beamed off the ship
Sjet: Any sign of our tea set?
Ducane: No response
Sjet: Dammit! Hate it when that happens! Oh well, set course for earth, we'll sell everything!
Ducane: Murdock, set a course for earth.

Sjet: Ducane, for once in your life think. If I go down there and it all goes pear shaped you can blast the place apart with a few phton birittos!
Sjet: And that new tea set.
Ducane: I'll reroute the demijohn coordinates the include a modulating pulse phaser, which in turn will lead to a deionization of the (HI) RISC 64-bit hyperpiping computer nanotechnology preprocessor processing processor.
Sjet (baffled): Yes...do that!
Ducane: Energizing.....OUCH, stopping prodding me with that thing Murdock, or i'll flog you
Murdock: Respect my boomstick!

Sjet: Chief Cutting Officers Clog, Star Date, some where between here and there. So far the ship's hit every planet we've come across, Mr Vaskel thinks it something to do with the computer playing none stop Pong all day. I beg to differ, its this darned coffee machine....
Ducane: Yeh, if you hadn't have set the transporters to full power, beaming the coffee into your bloodstream, we might have the short-range sensors... we only have long range sensors
Sjet- Curses! Now we can only get Sky Box Office! When will the horror end!

(Begins jabbing buttons, this is never a good thing seeing that there is a rather LARGE button marked Random Explosion)

Ducane: GAHHHH, that was my random console that randomly exploded. I wish you'd get rid of that random button. You random fool...... Sir, we're being hailed. It's Wesley Crusher and the former deep-orange alert bleeper.... Captain Ja'arda
Sjet: That cannot be good, which only means on thing.....
Sjet/Ducane: We've gone into reruns!
Ducane: I knew I didn't think that you thought we had a feeling that we thought we hadn't seen the last of her
Ducane: On Screen

Screen: Microsoft Starship 2345: Where do you boldly want to go today?

Ducane: Curse 24th Century Bill Gates
Gates: I heard that!
Ja'arda: Ah, Mr Ducane and Mr Sjet. So good to see you again, Wesley! Fix this darned reception... I can't see those two idiots!
Ducane: No dice Ja'arda, we've rigged the reception so you cannot gaze upon us
Gates: No you haven't.... it's Microsoft Starship XPlorer
Gates: Mwahahahaha

Sjet: Quick! Fire the MS-DOS gun! Run DOS! Run!
Ducane: Unable to comply, MS-DOS is online
Sjet: C DOC crash! Where were you when I was rambling about upgrading this thing!
Ducane: I believe I was in the closet, playing with my pips
Sjet: Some things are better left unsaid! What else do we have in the way of offensive weaponry! And hurry! They're updating Wesley's goatee and the Captains hair style!
Ducane: We still have not depleted Lt. Vaskels supply of "Vulcans Greatest Hits"... but we could fire Bill Gates at them

Sjet- Do it! Fire the litte sqirt!
Gates- No! I'll get all of you! I'll make sure you never install another game again! I'll relaunch the X-box!
Ducane: Firing Gates and his horse
Sjet- Horse?
Ducane: Gates had a horse

(Meanwhile on the USS Starship, Ja'arda argues with Wesley)

Ja'arda: I think we should call it the USS Ja'arda
Wesley: No! Starship Crusher! Or I'll tell my mommy!
Ja'arda: You and your goatee are going the right way for a throttling

(For some reason we'll think of later, Mr Gates appears on the bridge)

Gates: Live long and update
Wesley: Where did you come from?
Gates: The writers haven't decided yet.... but when does anybody care about continuity

Ja'arda- Quite right, now Wesely grow up! And you, get contacts! Whats better? Red head or Blonde?
Gates: Definately the head of red... but wait, look, the Zealous, they are slowly moving away!!!

(Meanwhile, back on the Zealous)

Sjet: Nuts! They've spotted us! I told you not to turn on the reverse lights!
Ducane: Look Vaskel has activated the windscreen wipers....
Vaskel: It's standard procedure in this case
Sjet: For the love of the almighty! Vaskel put the palm pilot away before you do something that we might all regret!
Ducane: Murdock, first GEAR, ENGAGE.... You pedantic drone, you've stalled the impulse drive
Murdock: Hey! It sounds like my Cee Deee player! Crunch'n and booming to its self!
Ducane/Sjet slap Murdock
Sjet: Quick, start the engines, hoist the space anchor, and for the love of God, stop playing with your pips Ducane

Ducane: But they're so pretty and shiny....
Murdock: I weeesh I 'ad peeepsss... heyyyy should that them star ship be coming at us liiiiyykkee uh-that?

(Meanwhile, on the USS Ja'arda)

Ja'ard:- Ever since I became this red head, all I want to do is CRUSH DESTROY AND KILL!!!!!
Gates: Mwahahaha, soon the Zealous will be ours for the taking.... and we can get marrried. Yes!! That's right Ja'arda, I want you to be my wife.

Wesley bursts into fits of tears

Five seconds later, and after a hell of a lot of censoring by yours truly, the remains, I mean tennis ball shaped coffin, of Gates is thrown out of the Zealous. Well, he should have read his contract...

Ja'arda: I doubt we've seen the last of him

(Meanwhile, back on the USS Zealous)

Ducane: No, you need to engage first gear before you can go to warp
Murdock: Is yooouu telliin myself whats to be doin?
Sjet: Murdock, just go to warp before the USS Ja'arda hits us

BANG! Has the Zealous been hit by Ja'arda's red head ship of doom? No! We just hit common sense and sent it to the bottom!

Sjet- Was that my contract?
Ducane: I think the USS Paramount is back on route... Quick warp 9.9999445452993
Murdock: Aye Sir
Sjet- Why not go to Warp Ten?
Ducane: Because we might turn into lizards and have babies together
Sjet- Argh! I didn't need that mental picture! Argh it burns!
Ducane: It pains me more than it pains you
Sjet- Right, then go to Warp Twelve!
Murdock: Warp Twelve... AYE
Ducane: Who cares about continuity

Sjet: Quick! Help me get Ti'ana of the slot machines before she whittles away the budget for Zealous: The Movie!
Ti'ana: NEVER, just one more round of strip poker
Sjet: Ti'ana! Stop blending in!
Ducane: (Having a Riker moment) She's blended allright

Sjet: We don't have time for this (pulls out phaser and fires) Whooops! (fires agains) Whoops! Something's wrong with this thing, it keeps hitting other people and show girls!
Ducane: Why is only certain parts of their clothing disappearing you pedantic drone
Sjet: Whoops! I've got it set wrong. (Switchs from Stunning back to Stun)
Ducane: Now that's more like it, Ti'ana get back to crawling through the Jeffries tubes

Murdock: Hello good chaps? Do you require my assitance before I have a cup of tea?
Sjet: Wait a second! You've got a PhD!
Murdock: Drats! And I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't be for this darned writer!
Ducane: Murdock you overgrown tonsillectomy. Get off my chair.
Ducane: And where did you get that PhD from?
Murdock: I borrowed it from that guy, Mr Pixaxes

Jake Sjet circled around for a second, the TV remote held in his hands.
“Argh, Arc Welder. My old student.” He coughed.
“Argh, you were once the teacher, now I am the student!” Sporak stopped for a second “Wait that not right…”
“You were always a bad student.”
WAIT! Hold it you guys!
“What do you want?” the two asked the writer, defacto god of the world harhar!
We’ve missed out a lot of sequences here, what happened to the flying monkeys? And where is the rest of the acting crew!
“They went to lunch?” Sporak ventured.
“Yeah, that new place on Third. Taneth’s Coffee Shop?” See, I will get every last one of you into this thing! NO one is safe!
WELL! I don’t care, go down there you two and get them back here! Or its MR TipEx’s meets Mr Contract!
“No wait you fend! You can’t ax our contracts! I need the money for this new thing I’m investing in!” Sporak moaned “Its called Play By E-mail Simming.”
“It’ll never take off you idiot! I mean, who would bother playing it!” at this particular moment, the director of the film walks onto the set, its Johnny Luckass!
“Hi and welcome to the film set,” he says to no one “you guys! Get the others! Or no more coffee for the writer!”
Right, I say, this is serious.
Five minutes later, in a street far, far away…
“We must keep our wits about us Young Welder. You will never find a hive of villainy or scum more diabolical- YEAH! Stop looking in Gap!” Jake grabbed the hem of the Dark Lords cape and dragged him down the street until they encountered a coffee shop more evil than Star Bucks. Yes, its, its, its…
Taneth’s!
Sporak turned tail and ran, hitting a Mini and a lamp post before Jake could stop the masked ninny.
“Don’t be such a baby.” He mumbled as he dragged him into the caffeine soaked rooms of Taneth’s. Coffe beans grew out the walls and the heavy sent of espresso hung in the air that Jake was getting a buzz from it. Sporak made a scream like a little girl and there they were. The entire cast of Star War- A Shameless Rip Off, all gather around a coffee machine, there eyes wide open.
“Powerful the dark side is,” a voice said from behind them “add cream, yes!”
Guess who this loveable little character is. Feel free to write to me if you want a particular scenario played out. Enjoy, and stop laughing!

This is a Joint Joke Post, read it at your leisure. But it's a JOKE, not a real post!!!

Ducane is angry, and says: I'm angry. What are we doing in this blasted female Nexus?
Sjet: I don't know but it's okay, we'll do what we always do.
Ducane: What is that? Give them our command codes?
Sjet: I was going to say give them Ti'ana but sure why not that.
Ducane: Yes sir, sending command codes, "3....4"
Ducane: Done <to himself> What stupid command codes

BORG (Run now!!): We are the Borg, Sweden is futile, meat balls taste nice in tomato sauce with a hint of chives.
Ducane: Oh my fleet admiral!! It's a borg pyramid decloaking off the port bow. We have a 92 inch widescreen viewscreen, I think we should use it.
Sjet: Quick! Switch to Channel Five, they'll never find us there, let's face it no-one watch's it any way!
Ducane: Channel Five is offline, it appears that a soap opera has crashed their single broadcast satellite dish.
Sjet: Curse that crossroads

Sjet: Set our course to ITV digital! But watch out, Trevor McDonald might be on!
Ducane: Murdock, watch out for that 70's sitcom
Murdock: Yeeey whhhaatttt in tarnayshun they be doin reeet thar?
Baracus: Watch out ya fool! I ain't in no sitcom with 'im!
Murdock: Good gravy, what in tarnation are you doin' 'ere?
Hannibal: It appears that ITV are doing re-runs of our show. So that means (Jabs Baracus in the neck with a needle) you're in some serious-(Sjet changes channel quickly)
Murdock: Noooooooooo.......
Ducane slaps Murdock.

Sjet: Get Ti'ana up here. We need her to sacrifice to the Borg
Ti'ana: No Dice Sjet, I've decided to leave you, and form a rogue group on board a stolen starship, the USS Sullivan
Ducane: Curses. There's an unauthorized shuttle launch in progress, and our lunch was on that shuttle.
Sjet: Damn the torpedo sandwiches and shoot!

Ducane: Borg error in our favour, increase shields by 20%. Hurrah!
Sjet: Hurrah for Windows!
Ducane: We're being hailed, from the USS Sullivan
Ti'ana (Valley Girl Accent): What ever! Stop shooting you guys, I'm doing my nails!
Borg: We are the borg. You will be stimulat....We mean assimilated. Your mini-skirts will be added to our queens wardrobe. Resistance is futile.
Ducane: No dice Borg, we know what you're up to.
Sjet: The final frontier for you, Borg Queen! Appear to finish about three inches bellow the waist....
Borg: Never! Fire all weapons......
Borg <to the side>: What do you mean we have no weapons you pedantic drone? What do you mean some fancy tart stole them while we were....Don't you talk to me like that.
Borg <to the viewer>: Resistance is futile.
Borg <to the side>: It's bad enough that I short-circuit myself every time I go to the toilet, let alone, Whoa!

Sjet: Ducane, prepare to fire the clothes catalogues!
Ducane: Aye sir. Let's go to sky blue pink alert. N'vrix, commence bleeping, and paint the flashing light bulbs.
N'vrix: Bleeeep, Bleeeep, Bleeeep
Sjet: One of the perks of this job... (puts feet up on top of the RANDOM BANG button)
Ducane: Sir, the Alex Ducane Nacelle, whoa, I mean the left nacelle has detached, and the ship is going into multi-vector salt collecting mode.

Meanwhile, on the USS Sullivan

Ti'ana: Computer, On Screen
Ja'arda: I've heard about your little Zealous rebellion, and I want in.
Ti'ana: Doors open
Ti'ana: Captain Ti'ana's log, Star date: Wait... where's my calendar. Oh well, no stardate today. I've let Captain Ja'arda join the new crew of the USS Sullivan, we are still waiting to exact revenge on the Zealous and....What is it Ja'arda?
Ja'arda: That's a carrot you're talking to
Ti'ana: No its not! (looks at 'very high tech' piece of vegetable) Its my first officer!
Ja'arda: I have a real bad feeling about this post....

Consoles are flashing, lights are flashing, N'vrix is bleeeeping, Ducane is crying, Sjet is swimming, Ja'arda is gallivanting, Ti'ana is belly dancing, and no-one notices the Borg slipping quietly out of the way....

Borg1: Maybe if we run now we'll make it home to watch the Muppets?
Borg2: Yeh, but their last show really sucked
Borg1: You think so?
Borg3: No way!! Kermit still.......

Sjet: Shut up, okay, fire the director at them. I don't care if he's counting the stakes of money he's making off this thing,. fire him!
Ducane: Firing Director....Sir, the Director is offline, and has been offline for the past 3 chapters
Sjet: That would explain my bank account and the lack of editing....fire the script (whispers from off stage) we actually have one of those, cool!

Azanialix Ja'arda- Trilogy (I’m into kicking people butts before they can say sorry!)
Zane Dillard – The Blond (If I’m the Blond, then that means I was never told….)

Howard Madej Murdock- Link (The number you have dialled….)

Ti'ana Sullivan – The Frenchman’s wife (At the moment I forget the name…sorry Ti’ana, don’t worry I’ll let you kick some ones butt, Ducane get over here!)
N'vrix – The Frenchman (I love French wine, its like drinking blood wine with out the coppery after taste)
Vaskel - Morphee (The question is who am I, where am I, and why I can’t see anything with these sun glasses on. This could all be over tonight, or today. Or next thursday. Next march looks ood as well)
Tangean Taneth – The Architect (Also seen in KFC’s as The Colonel, hope, and chicken families meals are our greatest strength, and our greatest weakness)
Tyla Monroe -Captain Lockwood (I don’t belief in the prophecy! I believe in the gun!)
Moss – Ghost (Guns are like works of art, they cost more when you die)
Keegan Loyst – Niobe (Red pill blue pill, don’t choose just take both!)
Jake Sjet –Agent Smith (Its all about ME! And the other thosand Me's! And this thing, mini Smith. Mini Me!)
Alex Ducane – Agent Jones (I’m not a blooming anomaly! And my shades are better!)
Alexander Boothby - Twin 1 (We are in this post)
Jarrold Scott – Twin 2 (Yes we are)

Marcus Lacroix - General Hammond (Well, I say, I say- Well we know where the generals going with that conversation…)
Daniel Hunt - Dr. Daniel Jackson (I died, cool or what!)
James Edwards – Jonas (Hey its my first time on one of theses things!)

Everything that has a begining has a end....
Except the chicken egg thing, that one keeps going and going and going and going and going....

Dillard was sat at home one night, his computer sat looking back at him with the goofy screensaver showing all that rubbish from that film.
Oh yeah, the Matrix I thin it was called when all of a sudden.
DILLARD?
“What? Who are you?” Dillard demanded.
TYPE IT ON THE KEYBOARD DUFFUS! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
“Oh…” Dillard said and typed what he just said.
IT IS NOT @WHO AM I?@ BUT @WHO ARE YOU@
YOUR NOT MAKING MUCH SENSE.
AM I, OR ARE YOU JUST NOT MAKING SENSE?
A knocking came from the door.
FOLLOW CONAN THE REPUBLICIAN. And with that last cryptic message the computer turned off, the phrase Windows World Domination 2004 scrawled across the screen with a big smirking geek behind it. Dillard confused as usual went the door and opened it. Out side was a friend.
Conan.
“Hallo tonken white buddy,” the big man said and patted him on the back, almost knocking him over “ve are hall going down to da poll offvice to vote for ve in the helection of Kilafornia.” The big burly Austrian said with his heavy accent set to stupefy.
“Later maybe.” And then the strange message came back, follow the republican.
And soon he was in a crowd of jeering Republicans and their ilk. That’s when he met a woman in a plain black dress, not your typical Goth with a chalk white face, but for some strange reason she had sun glasses on.
It was close to 3am!
“Hello Zane.” The woman said, grabbing him by the arm and leading him off to one side.
“You must be Saga.” Zane said.
“No I’m Trilogy, I’m Saga in the next film after the third.”
Well, just to make this go a wee bit faster I’m skipping most of the first film. It’s the late 2006 and mankind has fallen to Microsoft, and the battery company Duracell. The last of the humans not being used to keep the machines going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going while the free humans all living in Swindon, the last human city. The crew of the milk float Aloe Vera have been called to a secret meeting with in the Sever, the place where mankind life’s out its days.
At the entrance to the meeting place, a disused Toys’r’us store, the two guards get a visit…
“Who’s there!” One asks as they open the door a little.
“I’m looking for The Blond.” A man caste in shadows demand.
“Never heard of him.” The first ones say.
“No, he’s back there, remember we’re here to guard them.2
“Oh yeah,” the first smiles, “anything I can do for you?”
“Yes, give him this and tell him, you set me free.”
“Okay, have a real nice day mister!” Suddenly as the door closes The Blond (Dillard for those not reading the script) walks in. He is given the package and inside is only shredded paper but there is one bit not torn to pieces, a nd has only one word on it.
Contract.
“Go back to the others, Agents are coming.” Dillard says for no reason. Suddenly (I’m using a lot of the word, suddenly, am I not?) the door breaks open, and Agent Ducane and the Twins walk in.
“Hey guys.” Dillard takes off the shades “What, you guys aren’t suppose to be in the script yet!”
“We were getting-” Boothby said.
“Getting very bored.” Scott finished.
And soon the big fight scene is in action, oh you guys should be seeing this, its real some quality camera work. Oh that’s gotta be CGI, but you can’t see it can you, oh how sad hehe!

Meanwhile in the castle up in the mountains (really?)
“You’ve what! Your in Paris and you’ve melted all my credit cards! No this is not just a game! No I will not have fun! Wait, no, wait! Do they have it in lilac?” The Frenchman slams the phone down, buys shirts is a serious business “That woman will be the death of me!”

More is coming soon, give me time and a pay cheque and I’ll do wonders!