Five Things Your Wife Wishes You’d Know but Won’t Tell You

Husbands, listen up.

Here are five things your wife would like you to know but for a variety of possible reasons, she won’t tell you.

She feels overwhelmed and likes when you take charge. Between taking care of the children, making dinner, and keeping the home together, not to mention working, she has a lot on her plate. She wants you to be her partner, not another person to take care of. That’s why it’s music to her ears when you offer to make dinner or do bath time, even though you may have worked all day. Picking up some of the slack provides her tremendous relief and she sincerely appreciates it. Don’t wait for her to ask. Just do it.

She has a hard time turning off the “mom reflex.”She is not always attentive to you because she is preoccupied with the kids. It is not that she doesn’t care about you or love you, but is very difficult to stop thinking about them and their needs, even during adult time. While it is crucial to have alone time with your wife, understand how challenging it might be for her to refocus her energy on you and don’t take it as a sign of rejection.

She loves to be cherished. Even though you may not be inclined to express yourself emotionally, one way or another you have to let your wife know you love and cherish her. Tell her through words – written or spoken, or thoughtful gift or a romantic getaway. It doesn’t matter how, just make her feel special. Guys may be able to go without many of these things, but to many women this is her oxygen. When you cherish her and make her feel important, she feels valued and appreciated as a wife. When she does not feel cherished, she may feel resentful or insecure about your relationship.

She is sensitive to other women and potential competition. Watch how you talk about other women and praise them, even for things that seem benign like, “Wow she’s a good mother.” She wants to be the best in your eyes. The thought of you praising someone else when you may not praise her enough may make your wife feel that she is not satisfying your needs. If you have women friends (probably not the best idea) or female colleagues, tread lightly. If your own marriage is going through a rough patch, having relationships with other women (friendships or business – not romantic), especially if you imply you enjoy their company, can be very painful for your wife.

She wants to be heard. Hear out her anxieties even if they seem trivial to you. Instead of telling her not to be worried, validate her fears and offer to help her. When she stresses out about next year’s carpool schedule, don’t brush her off. Genuinely listen and volunteer to help. Take practical steps together to relieve the anxiety, it calms her down and makes her feel taken care of.

These five points may be obvious, but you’ll be amazed at the positive and immediate effect they can have on your marriage. By taking charge when your wife feels overwhelmed, understanding how hard it is for her to turn off her “mom reflex,” cherishing her, being sensitive about talking about other women, and hearing and validating her, you are showing her that you are doing your part to creating a better and more fulfilling relationship.

About the Author

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is a Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist working with couples, singles, and families and international lecturer on relationships. He is the author of The Jewish Marriage Book: How to Improve Your Relationship One Jewish Holiday at a Time which is available for free on www.theMarriageRestorationProject.com

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 27

(19)
Anonymous,
November 24, 2016 7:00 PM

Don't need a guide when you truly love

"omg..women need to get over it..most are not superstars to begin with! they just luckily we did not want to try harder for a better woman"That comment is absurd. My wife is MY superstar princess. Treat her that way and trust me, she'll make you feel like a King. If it's complicated, it's not love. Been together for 8 years and it has been so easy. No I am not the submissive type at all, hell, without her I would turn into a big player, buy a little condo and round up 100s of college girls. We laugh about this lol... But the point is, when I commit I commit. I have no issue putting my foot down when the time is right, and she respects me even more for that, and she fully trusts me to lead our family into success. I wish anyone to have this kind of relationship. So easy, so easy. And it all comes down naturally. She gets the heated garage, she picks her side of the bed, she gets the furniture she wants, etc... It's all the little things that add up... I live to please her, I wouldnt even have a house if it wasnt for her. And if she ever leaves, Ill still wait for her to come to her sense and come back, and Ill welcome her with my arms wide open. I'll have some fun on the side of course, but I am a firm believer, after many experiences, that there is only that one person for you. I would forgive her anything, seriously. And I am a happy guy, I box, I work out, I do my guy thing, we give each other space.. Now I don't want to brag, just prove it's really damn possible. Women will treat you how you deserve to be treated.Sorry for the long essay.

(18)
Adjei Francis Gabriel,
October 1, 2016 10:39 PM

May God bless you

This has help to tight up more marriages. Thank you very much

(17)
Anonymous,
May 30, 2015 6:57 PM

I wish love was not complicated

omg..women need to get over it..most are not superstars to begin with! they just luckily we did not want to try harder for a better woman

(16)
Anonymous,
May 13, 2015 7:04 PM

Couples with No Children

My mom reflex is not on because our kids from a previous marriage are grown. I don't mind taking care of the house while he works. Priority number one is I just want him to be nice. So for other men reading this who really want to know what it is that women really want, all you have to do is just be kind. Don't walk ahead of her, texting and talking to others, ignoring her. Don't constantly criticize. When you make her cry, apologize. Act like you actually care.

(15)
Harry C.,
November 20, 2014 8:58 PM

It's all about validation, let's do to each other as we we would desire to be done to; one worthy turn deserves a better other!

My wife is not my servant so long as she remains so; but becomes a slave and a forgone alternative as soon as she starts looking down on me.

(14)
Me,
November 16, 2014 5:17 AM

She does not apologies when knowing she is wrong

(13)
none,
July 13, 2014 8:10 AM

she wants every thing....she needs every thing....she deserves every thing....

(12)
Maxime M,
April 15, 2014 10:10 AM

Nevertheless...

This is a really good article. All the poins are real. #2 to 5.
# 2: The mom reflex
# 3: She wants to be cherished (specially this one)
# 4: Sensitive to competition
# 5: Wants to be heard
But #1 does not apply for a wife that is not organized. See, even if you propose help to her and get 3/4 of her task so she can get some reliefs , the unorganized wife will still find 1,000 new things more to keep her busy. The fact is that she is not so overwhelmed, but she is not managing her time well. And worst is when your wife does not take orders from you... it is impossible to help her manage time. So you would not want to get into that endless spiral.

Anonymous,
June 27, 2014 7:01 PM

WIFE NOT TAKING ORDERS FROM YOU

I think you have answered your own issue....your wife is not disorganised, she's probably avoiding you as you want to 'give her an order'! Is she a waitress, a slave, or your wife??

(11)
Jerry,
April 3, 2014 8:29 PM

Don't talk to other ladies?

Wow Realy ? This is such backwards thinking. Always trust is the real answer for this solution. Pluss if it was turned around and a guy fealt that way he would get accused of being jealous and over barring !

(10)
Rachel King,
May 22, 2013 7:14 AM

Wait a minute

If you are both working like the article says, shouldn't you split the cooking, cleaning and child care equally? So confused...

Gretchen,
July 9, 2013 9:02 AM

I second that, Rachel!

Thank you for pointing out exactly what I always am so confused about! It does not make a bit of sense to me that hubby gets to come home and unwind and make an occasional obligatory dinner. It's not "picking up some slack" It's called being a parent also. Such a neondrathal way of thinking that we, as women, should be expected to be Donna Reed with a full-time job. Then hubs gives a bath of cooks once a month and he's a dream partner?!?!?

Anonymous,
July 21, 2013 7:27 PM

Shoot I cook 80% of the meals and work a full and part time job. Kids are grown youngest is 16 and works part time. And she is still tired. Really

(9)
neez,
February 12, 2013 5:53 PM

Sounds a lot like babysitting!!!
Men have to work extra hard to over compensate for women's emotional security and lack of maturity/logic/common sense

Anonymous,
May 18, 2013 4:42 PM

not babysitting - just love!

This is a sad comment from a man who obviously is too selfish and narcissistic and just put all the blame back on the woman. Try to find some empathy for your wife and women in general. If you cannot, you may be suffering from narcissism and get yourself some help. You should read the other article "5 Things a Man Needs to Do in a Successful Relationship" and maybe you might notice yourself being like Adam? You are called to LOVE your wife so that she feels emotionally secure...just as she will do for you. Love is not some immature feeling but a decided, committed, set of willful actions to show that love. So sad you took that awesome responsibility and honor and flippantly called it babysitting. Actually, loving a child is the same thing. Why should babysitting even have a negative connotation? It's all about loving and extending yourself for the sake of another...and hopefully they reciprocate and you have a happy marriage and family. It starts with the man doing these things and the woman usually will naturally reciprocate as God created women to react to their men. So I challenge you...stand up, stop whining, and be the true meaning of the leader that God called you to be and lead by example... which, guess what, is mature, logical, and reeks of common sense.

Anonymous,
August 14, 2013 6:32 PM

It takes two. Both need to put effort and appreciation in

I am on my second marriage. I am very much still the same person as I was...not perfect, but not bad either. You will find me two places...either work or with my Wife and girls. I put 110 percent into my marriage. Every night I come home from work I find my wife so she can talk to me. This lets me know what she might need even though she may not come right out and say it. Multiple times a week I come home and tell her to go soak in the tub while I take care of the girls. This has become a habit over the last 10 years. I've been heavily involved in rearing our daughters. I've gotten up in the middle of the night at least half the time to make sure she gets enough sleep to deal with them the rest of the day. When she asks if going out with her girlfriends is ok with me. I always emphatically say yes. I know she needs it and it is good for her. To put it simply, I am good to her. My point here is two fold. First, my first wife did very little, wasn't happy with where we lived, the job I had, etc. She was miserable and she finally left me with our 6 month old daughter. I was devastated because I failed her after trying so hard. She is now divorcing her third husband. My current wife is phenomenal. I know it, am amazed by it and I communicate that to her regularly. My first marriage lasted 2.5 years. This one is 16 years and going strong. Secondly, I have always pushed myself to be a great husband and father...messy diapers, sick kids, throw up, dirt in the house, fixing toys, dishes, cleaning toilets, floors, and the list goes on. I am not foreign to any of these. It is hard to work all day then deal with these things too, but it provides me with the opportunity to show my wife how much I appreciate and love her. This is the problem. I have done it so much it is now normal to her. I am not really appreciated for going the extra mile. It has become expected rather than cherished. Men like to be appreciated. If not appreciated, it is like pouring sand in their gas tank.

Anonymous,
December 30, 2013 11:17 PM

Wow this is me

I am only 26 and I am two years into our marriage. I do everything for my wife she is spoiled rotten to the point where she takes what I do for granted and shows no emotion to what I do for her. I on the other hand rarely get anything maybe once a week she cooks.... I can't think of anything else. I am seriously thinking about calling it quits. I am a handsome guy and women hit on me all the time. I think that is our downfall but I can't help that and I let everyone know I'm married and in love, no matter how our bad our marriage may be sucking.

MM,
April 15, 2014 10:23 AM

Husbands in trouble

Do you realize that only people with some issues are reading and commenting this blog? They are looking for solution with their couple. No matter what they say, they are searching solution and got to this page after typing their guiltness into Google just like I did. We are husbands in trouble. This is why they choose such subject. The subject itself is showing guiltness. So be kind to them guys.

(8)
Michal,
July 5, 2012 11:51 PM

Five things your wife would like you to know.

When you husbands don't know what to do, when she weeps and even argues with you, tells you bad things,
even shouts at you, just take her in your arms and tell her, you understand her. After a short time she looks and smiles at you. I know by experience- Within minutes you quieten her down, she feels loved, and that is really what she needs and wants.

(7)
CJ,
July 5, 2012 9:36 PM

Number 6

If you put 110 percent into the marriage without expecting anything in return...You just might turn it into the greatest relationship you have ever had. This applies to both......

(6)
Anonymous,
July 5, 2012 9:30 PM

Stay away from female relationships

If more men would learn to not have relationships w/other women, more marriages would be saved.

(5)
kingsley,
June 9, 2012 12:02 AM

u said it all

if we men can be enable to do dis 5 things our wifes wishes.i think having problems in a marriage we be redues to 2o percent

(4)
John Smith,
June 8, 2012 9:12 PM

Here's a novel idea
How about people say what they think instead of expecting others to be mind readers and blaming them for not doing so.

(3)
Joseph W.,
June 7, 2012 4:52 AM

Love for wife

Yes, we men have to cherish and love our women.

(2)
Anonymous,
June 6, 2012 1:09 AM

Full marks for insight into a woman's soul

If more husbands were aware of these facts, there would be more happier marriages

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...