Wednesday, January 20, 2016

The Indignity of Commuting by Bike: Getting Slower

I'm devastated. Crushed. Demoralized.

Last night I rode a Citi Bike, so of course immediately afterward I checked my Cat 6 Strava (that's the Citi Bike website) to see how I did compared to last week's ride. The result? I'm getting slower! 19 seconds slower, to be exact:

NINETEEN SECONDS?!? That's an eternity in competitive cycling! It's the difference between putting on the maillot jaune and slipping into total obscurity! (Assuming you pass all your drug tests of course.)

So how could this be? It couldn't be aerodynamics. I was wearing the exact same non-aero puffy jacket and knit hat as last week. I was also riding the older model Citi Bike both times. (Even though the new bikes are designed by Ben Serotta I prefer the older models, so I guess that makes me a bike share retrogrouch.)

If anything, I should have been much slower last week, for the following reasons:

--My bike last week was seriously fucked up, barely shifted, and the drivetrain sounded like an egg beater trying to smooth a bowl of gravel;
--I'd eaten myself stupid at a fancy restaurant before checking out the bike;
--I had a chat with someone as I rode across the Manhattan Bridge span;
--I was snapping photos as I rode.

None of these things were true of this week's ride, from which I can only conclude I've already stuffed a Gazzetta dello Sport down the front of my jersey and am officially on the descent to irrevocably diminishing fitness and, ultimately, death.

Either that or there was more of a headwind last night.

Oh wait, I did take one photo last night of a police car in the bike lane:

This was in front of the Apple store, so I can only assume they were apprehending someone for attempting to steal an overpriced pair of Chinese headphones.

Anyway, given my poor performance on the Citi Bike last night I figured I'd better do some training this morning. Fortunately, my privileged position as a semi-professional bike blogger means I can semi-work wherever I want, and I've engineered a "commute" for myself that conveniently takes me through a park with mountain bike trails in it. So I threw some stuff in a backpack and went to grab the Marin Pine Mountain 1, only to find that one of the tires was flat:

I had the appropriate inner tube but I didn't have even a moment to spare, and so I said "Screw it" and grabbed my Engin instead:

After a week of riding a bike with big fat plush tires and a wide range of gears I thought that maybe a singlespeed with comparatively narrow rubber would seem difficult to ride in comparison, but this was not the casem and in fact it felt awesome. (When it comes to handling it's tough to beat a rigid non-suspension-corrected bicycle.)

Sure, an artisanal singlespeed is a bit pretentious, and I'd never tell anyone they need a custom bicycle, but I congratulate myself for buying that bike every time I ride it.

Speaking of wheel sizes, further to yesterday's post a commenter expressed confusion and frustration over bicycle wheel nomenclature, specifically with regard to the Marin Pine Mountain 1, which employs a size they're now calling "27.5+." It's really not complicated. 27.5 is just what people are calling 650b now, and the "+" just means the rims and tires are extra wide.

As for the tubes (assuming you still use tubes), they're readily available, and in fact I picked up an extra at a well-known outdoor store on my way to the mountain bike trail this morning:

See that? It's clearly labeled with both terms:

Sure, it's not technically "+"-sized, but that shouldn't matter too much owing to the expansification properties of the tube once you shove it full of air with an inflatoratory device.

So don't worry, addled commentator, nobody's trying to put one over on you.

Anyway, there are few things better than some snow-dusted singletrack on a cold winter's morning:

I love headlines with obvious answers, and in this case the answer to the above question is clearly this:

Really, it's not complicated. Rapha make some very nice stuff, but it can be expensive, and their marketing can be insufferable. It's really no different than, say, BMW, who also make some very nice stuff, but it can be expensive, and their marketing can be insufferable. And I don't mean that as an insult to Rapha, who are very good at what they do. It's just that it's impossible to sell high performance to men without making it expensive and surrounding it with a culture of douchebaggery. That's just physics.

Even so, I read the article, and was amused to learn about something called the "Shadow collection:"

Earlier this month, Rapha unveiled its new Shadow collection and even the staunchest supporters of the brand were taken aback by the £480 price tag for the jersey and shorts. Critics came out in force on social media ridiculing the price, pointing out that the jersey cost twice the price of its obvious rival. “Two hundred and sixty pounds for a pair of shorts is a grotesque amount of money!,”said one. “For £260 I could buy 32 and a half pairs of Decathlon’s finest!,” screamed another.

I don't know, but one Henrie Westlake objects to Rapha on the basis that they're now the official uniform of Fred 2.0:

Henrie Westlake is 42 and has been road cycling all his adult life, but would never contemplate wearing Rapha’s clothing. His choice is not down to the cost, nor the quality. “It has become the uniform of a certain sector of ‘new’ cyclists,” he contends, “and by that I refer to the stereotypical cliché of ‘all the gear, no idea’.

I'd agree with Mr. Westlake that Rapha has become the uniform of the 'new' cyclist. Head out to Route 9W on warm weekend and you'll see legions of wobbly Freds and Fredericas on new crabon bicycles, all with matching Rapha gear complete with that ubiquitous and vaguely fascistic white armband:

On the other hand, Rapha deserve credit for making novice cyclists look about a thousand times better than they did ten or twenty years ago. For example, I can very clearly remember wearing this jersey:

Not only was it like two sizes too big, but I also didn't even own a bike with a Headshok and I wore it while riding a road bike. For the life of me I have no idea why I thought this was something I could wear in public. I can only assume I deemed it slightly better than other Fredly alternatives of the time, such as the Primal Wear collection:

Had I had access to Rapha in those days then perhaps I'd have avoided this sartorial Sophie's choice.

Then again, it's worth asking: is the tasteful monochromatic conformity of today's comparatively stylish Freds in fact preferable to the gaudy, clashing, and occasionally seizure-inducing fashon palette of the Freds of yesteryear? Perhaps not. In fact perhaps in sparing new cyclists the indignity of wearing truly embarrassing jerseys we're also sheltering them from the hazing and attrition that will make them better cyclists and, ultimately--dare I say it--Rapha-worthy. Indeed, in this sense, it would seem that Rapha may have effectively undermined themselves by creating sort of a Fredly fashion inversion.

103. THIRD PRINCIPLE. If a change is made that is large enough to alter permanently a long-term trend, then the consequences for the society as a whole cannot be predicted in advance. (Unless various other societies have passed through the same change and have all experienced the same consequences, in which case one can predict on empirical grounds that another society that passes through the same change will be like to experience similar consequences.)

Look at me I am so intelligent. My commentary, so erudite. Always near the limit of my vocabulary. Never say boobies and the like which are like so easy to say because they have so few sybbblb syllanabbla sylab...

According to The Twitter thingamajig, that insufferable douche in that Rapha photo (i.e., Slate Olson) is now the chief marketing officer for Special Ed. Surprised? Not likely. It was a clean douche-to-douche transition.

I know Slate and he is in no way an insufferable douche. I suspect finding yourself splayed out on a silly boutique commuter in a pink Peter Pan suit is merely an occupational hazard when you work for a company like Rapha.

and I've engineered a "commute" for myself that conveniently takes me through a park with mountain bike trails in it.

wow

as we all know snobbie commutes from the bedroom to the bathroom toilet to write this blog, his new abode must be an estate indeed to have a pawk 'tween the room to lie supine when you're pooped and the room to go to poop.

What, you shop at REI for tubes? As a semi-professional bike blogger, I would have thought you'd be sponsored and get free tubes. Well, at least you're adding to your annual REI Dividend. Up here in Canada, we don't have REI, but the equivalent, MEC. However, they do not give us dividends. =(

Intertubings are much less of an exact science than people want to believe. For example, I one time was grabbing a bike with a 26" wheelway to tootle around the neighborhood and noticed that it had a flat. (I, of course, recognize that if only I were running it tubeless, I would forgo any and all flats, forever). I had no spare 26" tubes, and didn't feel like going through the whole patching thing at that moment. I grabbed a 27" tube that I had handy and put it in, thinking that it would get me through that ride, then I would patch up the flat tube that evening. I guess I'm pretty lucky that I've never had a tire explode into a bajillion pieces, because I've only been doing that sort of thing for about 30 years.

Incidentally, I never did get around to patching that 26" tube. I'll be darned if I didn't just forget and put untold miles on that wildly-inappropriate 27" tube that took its place.

However, I am sticking by my clean transition comment. Special Ed, like Rapha, makes some nice stuff, but both companies charge too much for their shit and both companies think too highly of themselves and their overpriced shit.

I, for one, find it delightful that Snobs would shop at REI. As a lofty semi-professional bike blogger, I'm sure he travels in the sort of rarefied company that most of us can only dream of. Supporting local "of the people" sorts of places really humanizes him, and endears his fans to his ability to "keep it real".

Can't wait until President Trump sorts that whole thing out so I can stick a tiny plastic piece of America in my ear hole and crank up the Lynyrd Skynyrd.

By the way, I noticed both you and Stevil have a rogue M typo somewhere in your blogs today. If I was a conspiracy theorist, I'd say there's something going on. But I'm not, so it's probably just a coincidence.

there is a nicer Goodwill near me that always seems to have a variety of jerseys that never got used - usually from some local event or club that had a couple left over etc...

they are almost always pretty terrible looking, but they are brightly colored and do the trick for providing visibility.

unfortunately the goodwill seems to be hip to Fred's and they'll still be priced at like $20 bucks or so vs the $2 or $5 bucks for normal shirts or other sportsware crap, but still, its a nice alternative to paying $100 bucks for them.

Snob - I'd strongly recommend wearing that Headshok jersey as part of your wedding ensemble for at least one (1) of your seventeen (17) children. That'd surely make for a fun wedding and a happy Mrs. Snob.

There's nothing wrong wearing a Headshock jersey on a road bike. Fuck convention. Of course, I am just dreaming of the day when I can wear a different jersey than the 1 long sleeve bright yellow one I own.

I'll gladly say Fuck Rapha, though they are currently having a sale and some of their items are of very reasonable price. Pretty cool they do free repairs as well (within their discretion). In a world of boutique cycling gear, if Rapha at least stands behind the quality of their product, that's a lot better than some other over priced junk vendor.

Does Assos offer the Kuku Penthouse in an Alter Kocker saggy sack version? Maybe KuKu Lower Lobby or KuKu Sub-basement? The old guys with money and douchebaggery tendencies don't want to feel all scrunched up, or so I've heard!

Also, I don't care about clothing combinations with bikes. If it's 90 degrees with crazy humidity, I used to wear my Castelli jersey even if I was taking my upright bike because that's the clothing I sweat the least in. Nowadays, with the whole athleisure craze, I can just rock a sports bra and not get harassed off the road (more than usual). But who cares about your bike or your gear? There are choices that by design make more sense than others in different situations, but a lot of the time it seems like people have ossified ideas about correctness. Sure, appropriate kit is an indicator that you know where your towel is, but it's only an indicator. Not absolute proof. If you want me to think you know the score at riding bikes, be good at riding bikes. Hold your line for god sakes!

I am confused how a non-suspension corrected rigid bike handles "better" than a rigid bike with a fork 1" longer or whatevs... given that angles, reach, wb is the same, they should handle pretty much identical, with the longer fork having a bit more flex or give. As far as I can tell, the only benefit of the shorter fork, would be the ability to run your bars lower... however bikesnob reps a fat stack of spacers, soooooo.....

"There are choices that by design make more sense than others in different situations"

Truer words have never been spoken. Thanks janinedm. I've often thought that same thing when out for a multi-hour bike ride on my recumbent with my scranus in the breeze instead of agonizingly compressed under a hundred pounds per square inch of body wieght on the ole wedgie seat.

For some reason I missed your header and thought I was still reading Roille's comment when I got to the line about the rocking the sports bra and had a "wait, what?" moment. No offense Mr. Figners, but I'd prefer Janine rock the sports bra.

Agreed on some of those stable cyclist shibboleth things: clicky shoes, shaved legs, jersey that fits, should indicate a not too sketchy wheel to follow. But in reality treat all wheels as sketchy, some just more so than others.

Snobby, the obvious reason that you are slower is that you are now "older" and ready for the grave. PS. I'm shocked that they still sell 26" tubes. I assumed that everyone has melted down their 26" mountain bikes, along with their 29'ers. 27.5'ers are the new "in" thing.

Dood, I am not confused about how your avatar of bicycle iconoclasm handles. I am confused by your supposition that a shorter fork has any positive attributes, other than the bar height one you are not taking advantage of.

when i go to my LBS they only keep the 26 tubes out on display. that way they can all point and laugh at any idiot that comes in to buy them.

to get the GOOD stuff you have to give a very special and very KNOWING look. the lights then dim a bit and they take you into a special restricted area where they keep the 27.5/ 650b gear along with limited edition Rapha gear and all the white bar tape.

before checkout they hand wrap all the goods in artis anal paper curated from Bamboo that has been certified as being from a Panda bed in china. they have the Panda's paws as proof.

they then send me out a special "cool customers" exit where before you leave a hot babe slathered in high end chain oil give me a hand job and a nice "thank you for cumming in, we appreciate your business much more than the IDIOTS buying 26er gear"

"But who cares about your bike or your gear? There are choices that by design make more sense than others in different situations, but a lot of the time it seems like people have ossified ideas about correctness. Sure, appropriate kit is an indicator that you know where your towel is, but it's only an indicator. Not absolute proof. If you want me to think you know the score at riding bikes, be good at riding bikes. Hold your line for god sakes!"

janinedm - without even meaning to (perhaps), you captured perfectly why CJ is a stupid asshole and why everybody hates him and his stupid, unsolicited, and unwanted bike setup advice.

Who / What took the picture of you making your bladder gladder? I thought Vito was taken to a farm upstate where he could run free and do all those things helper monkeys do? A new (very small) helper perhaps?

One of the coolest things about this not very cool bicycle, is that it will take 29" wheels with normal tires, same diameter as the 27.5+ chubby tires. Snob will not try this setup, because it would reinforce how fucked up the custom geometry on his Engin is.

Heh our lovely Janinedm has her finger on the pulse, as always. Elbow deep in the Zeitgeist, as it were: "Hold Your Line!!" indeed!!! Makes me crazy to see eejits weaving in and out from between parked cars. Nope. Truer words were never spoken, madame, and the bit about Flintstone names rings loud, clear and true, too. This crazy-assed little teeeeeny tiny brain ran with that one, far and fast, meandering in and out of all sorts of undesirable places. Heh: pity the poor wee bastard who ends up with Quartz Stoneboner for a moniker. And can you imagine??? "Oh hello, I would like to introduce you to my friend, Granite "Chip" Rockbottom." Heh heh... Just call me Venus Gravelpits. Yep. I always get a chuckle when you come out to play, my dear girl. Always. :)

And you, Snobi Wan. LOLZ! Another wicked post. You're on a roll this week! I snorted some art-is-anally curated Matcha Almond milk latte out my nose with your "That's just physics" quip. It's impossible not to love you in all of your grouchy splendor, my dear man, so I've simply given up. There's no point in fighting it. And I'm sorry to break it to you, doll, but with all of that semi professional complaining -er, I mean blogging- that you do, you'll fit right in up here when the lot of you come to Canada as Trump Refugees. Canadians are skilled complainers, so your many well-developed talents will be highly prized.

"employs a size they're now calling "27.5+." It's really not complicated. 27.5 is just what people are calling 650b now"

Who is "they"? What "people"? The folk from the marketing departments of Rapha and BMW?

I can't quite make it out from the photo, but it looks like your fancy-pants 27.5 tubes are $9.50 American. Fuck that for a joke! We don't all live the life of glitz and glamour and extreme wealth of the semiprofessional bike blogger, you know?

The first thing I'd be doing with those wheels is checking out if other, cheaper more conventional size, tubes and tires fit the buggers. Then I'd subversively install them on my 27.5+ wheels, go to the hipster cafes where advertisers hang out, point to my tyres and tubes and yell at them: "suck on that, arseholes!".

Yes. As a word-famous bike blogger I have been privileged to try a number of "current" bicycles. I can assure you the Engin rides beautifully.

I know this sounds crazy, but it's possible the guy who built it knows what he's doing, and it's also possible the guy who's riding it knows more about how the bike handles than the complete idiot looking at pictures of it on the Internet and opining.

My Canuck friend in NYC just got his kids their Canadian citizenship after years of procrastination. He feels it was a wise idea who's time has come...I'm keeping the sheets on the spare bed clean, just in case they show up for a day or two or forever. K

I'll put in a vote for 26". It's getting harder to find replacement parts, like higher end rims, but they're always cheaper, tires particularly. Guess I can say the same thing about the 9speed drivetrain parts, which I just replaced (crank is 16 years old). The thing fits nicely in my tiny urban backyard trials course too. But, I was sort of glad 650b came out before I had to get a 29er.

Different sport, but: Kelly Slater, known for dialed in equipment, is famous for going out and surfing on doors, tables, suitcases, etc... more for a laugh than anything. But he's still better on those boards than most of us are on the best of equipment. Plenty of videos out there of this... sort of like doing downhill on a CitiBike.

Hey FuckFace, if you listened during physics, you'd know that it's hard to pedal and roll through denser, colder air. Quit making fun of the KuKu Penthouse shorts. These shorts were designed for men with big balls and dicks and it's simple to see that you have neither.

Curious why you like the older citibikes better? The gearing seems much better on the Seriottas and they seem to me to handle better as well. Please elucidate if possible. Only decision I question is reversing the grip shift direction. Gets me every time.

Concerning the Engin....your bell is located WAY TOO close to the Ergon grip, which has an extra wide polyurethane surface area and this results in a dampening of the resonation which leads to lower decibels. 2.625 inches should be the minimum distance dooder.

Janine@244: "I can just rock a sports bra and not get harassed off the road (more than usual). But who cares about your bike or your gear?" Exactly, if you have beautiful breasts no one will care about the bike or gear. Ditto legs, tush, etc. Nothing uncomplicated as to why beauty attracts eyeballs.

One million percent my fault for providing too much information by explaining why I no longer wear expensive road jerseys on my upright bike, but you miss the point of my comment is that (in my own completely prejudiced opinion) people who put too much stock in correct attire and bullshit like whether your valve seem lines up with the tire logo spend too much time in online bike forums and not enough time on bikes and I look down on them. Also, in my personal experience, beauty doesn't attract eyeballs when you're biking. See, street harassment isn't about appreciating beauty so much as it's about small micro-aggressions and tiny feints toward dominance. If your body language and facial expression lets people know that you're not the one to be messed with, nearly no one messes with you. I forgot to mention this, though. There's a guy I see sometimes who wears jerseys on an e-bike. I feel like you should not be allowed athletic clothing of any type on e-bikes. I don't care how popular they're becoming in Europe.

janinedm said: people who put too much stock in ... bullshit like whether your valve seem lines up with the tire logo spend too much time in online bike forums and not enough time on bikes and I look down on them.

Or we're compulsive. Cycling rewards compulsive behavior, or at least attention to detail. You checked your tires before going out, and they're not flat. You pay attention to your derailleur, and it shifts smoothly. You adjust your brake, and your rear wheel doesn't sing a song during the ride. But the label on the tires always bugged me. I could remember stem by label, supposedly to find the stem, but I couldn't remember drive v. non-drive side. The practice of placing a label on both sides of the tire saved me thousands of dollars in therapy.

Not that I'm against fancy bike gear, but Rapha lost me a long time ago when they made fun of me for wearing a $12 cycling cap with world champ stripes on it. The implication (it's true that I'm not a world champion, I can admit that) was that it/I was pretentious. Ouch. Their solution: a fucking $50 cycling cap with a PINK stripe. This is how Rapha solves problems.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!