When the right shower curtain rod comes along, you’ll know it

When the right shower curtain rod comes along, you’ll know it. You’ll just feel it. You can spend the rest of the week at Bed Bath & Beyond, going through every shower curtain rod in the store, finding employees, stopping them and saying, “Is this it? Are these all of the shower curtain rods that you guys sell? Because I was on the web site and there seemed to be much more of a selection, like a lot more rods. Is there anything else in the back? Can you go check? In the back?”

But why waste your breath? Why get so bent out of shape? Just pick one, any one, a placeholder, just get the simplest rod that they have. And then when you’re ready, when the right curtain rod is ready, it’s going to find you. You’re going to be out there, you might pass one of those boutique stores while you’re walking somewhere, the showroom will be so small, like they’ve tried to cram three bathrooms in the space of one bathroom, just stuff everywhere.

And there it’s going to be, you’ll see it, the shower curtain rod that you were meant to find, the one that, even before you moved into to your one bedroom, even before you finally decided, OK, I guess I can deal with this bathroom, I mean, it seems a little small considering what I’m paying in rent, but I can’t argue with the size of that bedroom, and so I guess if I can just make it look right, like if I can just find that right shower curtain rod, I think I could be happy here, this was the shower curtain rod that you dreamed about, something that just popped into your imagination, like you weren’t even sure that something like this existed.

Look, here it is, right here in this tiny, cozy bath goods store. And you’ll know, that’s it, you’ll get so excited, you’ll be like, “Oh my God! I cannot believe it. That’s it! That’s the one!” and you’ll start clapping, like you’ve grabbed the attention of the store’s only saleslady, not that you really needed to, it was just you and her in the shoppe, and so even if she wasn’t interested in selling you stuff, even if she was just pretending not to be paying attention to you browsing through the only three shower curtain rods in house, she’d still see you, hear everything you’re saying.

She won’t really know how to react to such unbridled enthusiasm. Part of her is thinking, OK, well, you’re certainly happy. I mean, this is quite the show of joy, euphoria even, and over what, a piece of hardware? It’s nice, yes, but this? Still clapping? She’s smiling though, she wants you to buy the shower curtain rod.

To be perfectly honest, business hasn’t been great, and this lady is desperate not to have another day with zero sales, she’d have to go home, her mom might call and be like, “So Suzy, how’s your little bathroom store coming along?” and Suzy’s like, “It’s great mom, thanks for asking, you know, we’re really creating a lot of buzz in the neighborhood.” Will she tell her mom about the shower curtain rod?

With all the excitement, everybody’s getting ahead of themselves, you, bobbing side to side, looking at the rod, holding the rod, and poor Suzy, she’s practically celebrating, take that mom! I told you it wasn’t a stupid idea to open a niche bathsellers in this part of town. This part of town is gentrifying pretty fast. Just look at all of these people peering in the windows, slowing their step to look at the display, coming inside to ask how to get to the artisanal muffin shop. It’s down the corner. But things are happening. This is happening.

Wait, seriously, fifty-five dollars? For a rod? It’s just that, you want to support local businesses, right? You can’t expect mom pop & Suzy shoppes to be able to compete with Bed Bath & Beyond, do you? You do know that they’re paying for shower curtain rods in bulk, right? They’re buying like trucks and trucks and trucks of the same shower curtain rod, and that’s good for the manufacturer, for distribution. Suzy’s got three shower curtain rods.

You’re saying, come on Suzy, you can’t go down any further? Come on Suzy. I love it, but fifty bucks? And Suzy’s smile is still … well, it’s still up, but the corners are shaking a little, she was already counting those fifty-five dollars, she considered getting the pencil sharpener ready so she could mark down the sale in that stupid leather bound binder she got at the craft small business goods store. And now she has to abruptly shift into sales mode and, let’s be honest, her voice is trembling, betraying the adrenaline still juicing through her system, she’s saying stuff like, “Well, yeah, it is a little pricey, but think of the quality. And the history of the … of the rod and the … it’s just really craft built.”

“Yeah,” you say, but are you really going to spend that much? On a rod? A pole? That Bed Bath & Beyond one isn’t that bad. It’s not great, no, but it’s not terrible. I told you, you’ll know when you find the right one. And you found it. But what about the right toaster? Or the right electronic toothbrush? You’re going to buy the rod and the toothbrush? And you think you’ll still have enough money left over for the nice soaps?

Just, it’s not going to be easy, and I know you’re going to want to try and find something small, inexpensive to buy, something to alleviate the guilt, something to stop Suzy from standing there, begging you, please, please give me fifty dollars. But it’s not worth it. Those hand towels might look nice, but they’re purely decorative, and where are you going to put decorative towels? Just get out, just, you don’t owe Suzy anything. Maybe she should’ve listened to her mother. But that’s not your problem, just say thank you and leave. Find a new way home from work. It’ll only be for another couple of months or so.