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Monday, October 19, 2009

Dear Miss Twinkle Toes,

Please welcome our Agony Aunt and my very dear Friend Miss Twinkle Toes to Shiny Red Houses where she solves the most vexing problems of our most troubled readers.

Dear Miss Twinkle Toes,

I have a very serious problem that I hope you can help me with. I live in a rural area which is home to many oak trees. I love the mighty oak and the shade it provides. Unfortunately the large oak next door to my house is also the home to a band of vicious ninja squirrels. Every morning when I leave my house they begin to throw acorns at my head. They come from different angles and some have been gnawed into the shape of throwing stars. I fear for my life. The police insist that the squirrels are cute and cuddly, but I know the truth.

Please help me Miss Twinkle Toes!

Signed,

Acorn head

Dear Acorn Head,

I have had some encounters with the Vicious Ninja Squirrel myself. Few things can deter these wily creatures.

My first recommendation would be to acquire a good helmet. Not a bicycling helmet -- styrofoam will not protect you and there are too many holes in them. I'd go with a full face motorcycle helmet. Make sure you treat the visor with anti-fog solution as this will be a long battle.

Third...make sure you wear good body protection. You may even want to enlist backup. Just make sure everyone has their own protective clear plastic sheeting to take shelter behind. Also, it may be a good idea to do some cardio-training before you start your onslaught.

Be sure to fill the water gun(s) with icy cold water to shock their bodies and slow them down, making them more vulnerable to subsequent rounds.

I wish you luck... it's not easy thwarting these diligent rodents, but with dedication, teamwork and cunning, it can be done!

OH! I nearly forgot....captives can be bred to create your own undercover army of spy squirrels. Make sure they're dedicated before your release them!

We had never seen a squirrel until we visited the US a couple of years ago, and we astounded the local population by going into raptures over the dear little squirrels that looked just like the ones in Beatrix Potter, and taking excessive numbers of photos. 'But it's just a squirrel' they kept saying. We would so love to have acorn slinging squirrels in our yard...