How can I cope with the suicide of my beloved son

by VICKY
(Arizona)

He was a overachiever, a amazing son, father and brother. Never in his life was he depressed. He was found dead in his house and the autopsy came back 'suicide'. he had taken 95 over the counter sleeping pills. It makes no sense to me at all. He had worked so hard for what he had, put him self through college, was a brilliant engineer with many patents. Never abused drugs or alcohol his entire life. There are no answers for me now, only despair and depression over a loss that will never be forgotten. my husband, his stepfather has told me that he is going to get on with his life and that I need to get on with mine. It has only been 3 months!!! How do I deal with a person like this, I feel I am going crazy. I have been married to him 20 years and he met my son when he was 12 years old and helped raise him. hE doesnt understand or seem to be supportive. He says I am a different person and I am. What do I do?

Comments for How can I cope with the suicide of my beloved son

I hope you are better. My son has been gone since Mar. 31 2014. His wife is to blame! I'm no better.

Mar 29, 2014

so sorryby: Dot

I am so sorry for you Vickie and all of the other parents that have lost a child.and siblingsi lost my son Paul in April 2012 my comment is Below, since then i have lost my other beautifull, handsome son Brian in June 2013,i thought my heart would actaully Break and i would stop living there has been times i have thought and wished this would happen,but then i think of my 2 beautifull daughters and3 beautifull grandaughters, one of them the eldest Ellie is 17 and she is Brians daughter, the thoughts of them going through any more pain gives me the strength to carry on.Paul was my eldest son and was 38 when he took his life, Brian was my second eldest and he too was 38 when he died he had a cardiac arrest, still hevent had the inquest yet, i love my sons so much and miss them with every breath and beat of my heart, i keep telling myself their in a better place and out of pain,but it doesnt stop the aching in my heart, i still can not look at any pictures of any of my sons its far to painfull, we all learn in time to put a brave face on but only a mother thats been through this terrible thing can understand how our hearts are breaking inside.tomorrow is mothers day there will be two cards missing,i really really feel for you all on this site and can understand your pain,i wish you all peace and in time hope we can all have restless nights love and hugs to you all Dot

Mar 28, 2014

Sadby: Anonymous

I lost my son 8 months ago he shot himself he was in pain and I did not know he had been living a lie for 5 years and I did not know , guilt is overwhelming he was 24 the loss is too much to bear

Mar 03, 2014

i feel your painby: Anonymous

i know exactly what you mean. its only been 6 weeks for me but our lives are very similar. my name is Victoria, my son was 34, but he didnt take pills he took an over abundance of cocaine,and then hung himself to make sure he got the job done. it was his third attempt, his first was while he was at his friends wedding, his his second attempt he tried to hang himself, his father caught him, and stopped him, and his last attempt obviously worked. I unfortunately didnt find this out till after the fact.people who are planning this will not let them close to them to know. the advice i give you is 1. make a memory wall of him, and a memory box where you can tell him how you feel, rather angry or sad. it is helping me i hope it will give you solace.

Jul 01, 2012

my beautifull son paul.by: Dot

I came to this site 2 months ago when i lost my beautifull son Paul, He took his own life on 29 April 2012, i feel like ther is a great big hole in my life, i loved him so very much, it was through his disgusting excuse of a human being so called girlfriend, that hhe took his life she destroyed his life completely, i cant stop crying i miss him with every beat of my heart, i put a brave face on for my lovely family, and people at work but, inside i am crumbling every day, i cant look at pictures of him or talk about him as my heart just breaks when i look at him or talk about him, i want to look at his pictures, and i want to be able to talk about him but, i cant do it every time i try i break down i cry for him first thing in the morning as soon as i open my eyes he is their in my head thats when i can get some sleep. i cry in the shower, i cry when i take my dog for a walk, i have to keep going to the bathroom in work because im crying, then last thing at night i cry, i wish i could stop crying as i know it will not bring him back but i just cant stop.i love and miss him so much i wonder if i will ever feel normal again.

Dec 05, 2011

I know how you feel!by: Anonymous

Dear mom,

I lost my son on July first 2011 to suicide. He was depressed and his wife caused his depression. I know how you feel. I am devastated like you. 5 months passed but I am still grieving like the first days. His voice is in my ears and I am thinking all the time about him and crying. I don't know what to do. It is very hard and I really can feel your pain. My husband, his dad cope better than me. If you are not the parents, you do not understand. People tell me well life goes on so forget and live. They don't feel like the parents who lost their child. I pray God a lot and since his death I have no fear of death. I try to help people as much as I can. Keep praying for the soul of your beloved son. I hope you and I could one day get better. Remember both of us will see our son when we leave this world and can be with him. Your friend a.k

Sep 28, 2011

Lost my 26 year old Daughterby: Anonymous

I lost my 26 year old daughter in December of 2010. I miss her terribly. But, I know she is in a better place. She suffers no more. The pain I feel is my pain, not her's. I find my comfort knowing she doesn't have any pain, hurt, sufferings, and in her peace I find my comfort. As a mom, all I ever wanted was for my children to find peace and happiness. If God knew she had finished her purpose here on this earth, and it was time for her to return home to heaven for eternal happiness, this is where I find my comfort. In her peace and happiness I find my comfort...I love my daughter forever, and her happiness, with or without me in her life, is where I find my comfort...God provides eternal happiness..Even though she may have only been 26 years old, she touched many lives and within those years she completed her purpose for which God put her here on this earth. I thank God for choosing me to be her mom..for allowing me to be a mother at all...I thank her for being the best daughter she could have been...I will always have an emptiness in me, but her spirit will always be alive with me, so I haven't really lost her because I know where she is...she is only gone physically. Sometimes I do still think it is all a dream, and she still lives in her home, then I think no, she is in a much better place, happier than she has ever been and deserving of....It is our human criteria that people grow old, but if we live a life that God is pleased with, we will be blessed no matter what age...I know I will see her again in perfect surroundings when it is my turn to return home...May God bless all those who grieve with peace and love....

Sep 08, 2011

I understand!!!by: Debbie

My Handsome son Jeremy,is in this grief blog also.I do know how you feel!! My son Jeremy took his life too last year June 27,2010,on early sunday morning around 6:20.How i know this is because my son text me at 6:18 saying (Im sorry for being a bad son.)I love you and (Joseph,his brother).You raised me right.Those words will forever haunt me!! I did not turn my cell phone on untill 9:00 when I got Jeremys message.I called him back,but he did not answer.I called again,no answer.So i figured he went on to bed because he had been out all night partying with his friends.At about 9:15, the door bell rang,it was two police officers and a detective at the door.Jeremy, my angel who just turned 26,shot and killed himself!! Not my son,he was fine when he saw me about 10:30 saturday night.Why,why,why?It seems like yesterday everyday.My husband doesnt understand either why I havent gone on with my life,(Stepdad) also.I know i will never be the same person I was.I have no more close friends,They cannot deal with me,they never lost any children.The phone doesnt ring much.I dont get out much.People hardly reconize me,I think Ive aged 10 years.I am a lost soul.I truly do understand your pain,and I am so sorry for you,you can contact me at (blondincp@aol.com) if you need a friend,or anyone else who reads this.We are all in this together,forever!!

Sep 07, 2011

thank you for your kind wordsby: Vicky,Justins mom

thank you all for your advice,it really is helping me to cope, I am not getting the support I need from my husband,but you all have helped ease the pain a small bit. I still feel unbearably ill and sick with this pain and I know its not going away for a long time. I cannot possibly move from my home and leave my husband at this time. I still have my younger son that lives with me. I have been reading some spiritual books and listening to classical music also. I spend a lot of time replaying the events that happened before Justins death and feel regretful for not being closer to him. I thought he was a happy person. I still cannot believe he is gone. god bless,Vicky

Sep 06, 2011

thank you for your kind wordsby: Vicky,Justins mom

yes I am getting on with my life,working,going thru the motions as I must as I still have a 20 year old son at home and i fear for him.Justin was his half brother but I worry how this suicide is going to affect him in the long run as Justin was the 'sucessful" one in the family,the one we always bragged to everyone about how he put himself thru college,bought his first home at 19,his patents,etc.Again I am not getting support from my husband,his stepfather anymore.I mainly now have just bottled everything in,while my husband goes on his happy way ,playing in bands and being selfish while I work and suffer silently.Leaving him isnt a option because I am upside down in our house and my 20 year old son still is at home.I have been reading several spiritual books that have helped.everything from a mormon book called This Death we call Birth to d

Sep 02, 2011

My heart goes out to you...by: Matt

I am so sorry this has happened. My situation is different. I lost my father 3 years ago, a sad conclusion to his fifteen year battle with severe depression. It's been three years, and the pain, the surrealness, the despair; it doesn't go away.

When I was growing up, I began to resent my father. He was never involved in my life, except to scream at me or steal medication I took for A.D.D. . Later in life I began to find forgiveness and compassion for him. But when I came out and admitted I was gay, it was like all the anger and pain and resentment came back full throttle. I hadn't spoken to him for a year before he managed to successfully hang himself with his belt at a psychiatric hospital. Like a said, very different from what you've experienced. I can't even imagine the shock and despair you must be feeling.

My mom was definitely a different person after my dad died, still is. In fact, when I added her new cell phone number she'd gotten shortly after he died, I listed her in my contacts as "Mom2". I still have her in my contacts as Mom2. Because the person she was is gone.

I really wish I could offer you support, because I and my family know how unsupportive people can be during this strategy. They expect you to get over it. They'll never get it. I get it.

If you taking nothing else away from my story, take this; You do not need to just get over it and move on. You have every right to feel what you're feeling. Don't let anyone make you feel like you should get over it and move on. You'll learn that nobody understands, and even worse, some will even start to resent you and act as if you're being selfish for not moving on.

Find a local suicide survivors group. They're the only one's who will understand. I never did, maybe because I'm a guy, ha ha, and guys don't need therapy. I'll tell you what, if you go, I'll finally make myself go too.

It's hard for people, even those closest to you, to understand what you're going through. I wish your husband were more supportive. My partner has been very compassionate, even now, three years later, when I despair over the loss. I guess it helps if your partner's gay, ha ha. He'd be more sensitive. Just kidding, I'm sorry,

You need to go talk to someone who understands. I'd be happy to hear from you. I don't even remember how I stumbled upon this blog. My heart goes out to you. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

Sep 01, 2011

One step one breath at a time...by:

Vicky,

I have not dealt with suicide, But I have dealt with grief. In December It will have been 2 years since my husband died. Truthfully you do not ever get over grief. You adjust and somehow live with it. It's horrible sting of memories do not assault your mind as often, but they remain becoming a softer memory. You eventually thankfully begin to remember the good and not the horrible. Miss them? Yes, all the time.

But at some point and it unfortunately takes time you begin to try and live your life. I think that acceptance is the hardest part of grief. You are forced into a life that you do not want. We All, Every One of us here want the life that we had. We all detest this life that was forced on us. But slowly ever so slowly we begin to reach out little by little hardly even perceptible at first towards little pieces of joy that we at first think that we do not want or deserve.

You will never be the same. Grief changes who we are. What we were is gone and will never be the same. Your husband may not understand that, Men want solutions they want it fixed! Well grief cannot be fixed but you and your husband can survive grief with the help of some caring individuals that care and know because they have been there too.

My best on this long grief journey, One step, one breath at a time...HH

Sep 01, 2011

This is a hard journeyby: Sweet John's Mom

Vicki,I just read your blog and I can relate on some level. My firstborn son also passed away April 30th this year. He had everything going for him, and in late March he told me he wasn't feeling well and on April 13th the doctors told him he had cancer of the heart and he came home to die, 18 days later he died , as I held his hand he slipped away. My ex-husband, his step father and three brothers were all there. My husband and I have been married for 24 years, he was 15 when we married. After 2 monthsI had to stop resenting the fact that he will not grieve the same as me, I had to embrace my husband and tell him I stilled loved him and asked him to be my rock. That means when I cry, don't ask me why, just hug me. Don't ask me to go on with my life, but help me adjust to my new life without John. I know somewhat how you feel, that sick feeling in your stomach, the aching in your heart, it so devastating. My other 3 sons are managing, but I don't think they know how this does change you, and you will never be the same. Since I told my husband How I truly feel, and he listened, we is my rock again. I hope you can open your heart and get close with yours. I pray your husband and other children will give you some comfort and love. Be good to yourself and don't ever let someone else make you feel guilty, your son would not want that. He was in a dark place, the reason doesn't even mater anymore, he is gone, honor his memory and just keep loving him like you do. I am posting again today about mu son's memorial, maybe you can read it and let me know how you are doing.Praying for youColleen

Aug 31, 2011

Suicide of My Beloved Sonby: Brenda Richison

Dearest Vickie, My 26 yr. old son shot himself on his front porch, July8,2004 at 4 a.m. Its been 7 yrs. and I am better, but I'll never be the same again. A piece of my heart is gone and there's times I want to also die. My friends, family, other 2 sons, don't offer any help. They tell me to go on w/my life? They don't understand a part of my life is gone. Never to be replaced. I've been to many Drs., Therapy, Hospitals, Meds., but that doesn't replace him. He had 2 small daughters, wife, home, trucks, everything. But only God and he knows "WHY" he did it. Time will help some. Drs., meds., and therapy will help some also. You'll be able to cope. But a Mother's love will never go away. At least mine hasn't. I cry everyday, everynight, to no avail.My prayers will be for you and your family. Brenda Richison

Aug 31, 2011

Grief IS Hardby: Judith

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your Husband is being a JERK. After 20 years of marriage , how can he be so insensitive and non- supportive? Sounds like he just went through the motions of being a stepfather without real caring or involvement Like my husband did with my son.

You take as long as you have to to grieve. He has no right to tell you such a cruel thing. IF need be leave him if he won't be your best supporter and love you while you go through this roller coaster of a ride. Shame on him.

God give you strength to move through each day until you can find peace.

God is watching your husband and taking notes.

Aug 31, 2011

GERMANby: Geoffrey campbell

Your husband is wrong, absolutely wrong for several reasons, but primarily for not understanding your grief and love for your son, for not having cultivated the disposition of compassion, and for not being the very definition of husband, which comes from the word, "house- band" one who cares for all in his house hold. I would still show love towards him, but I am of the opinion that you might find help in listening to God speak to you words of comfort, such as in Isaiah, "In all our afflictions God is afflicted" in other words He suffers with us. In honor of your son you might prayerfully finds simple little acts of love to those around you, and every time you do it, you can say, I am doing in honor of my Son. I am sure this will please your son when one day, tho not now, you see him again. Sincerely, a friend who cares in Pennsylvania, USA

Aug 31, 2011

Grief....by: ELLEN

..is as personal as love. None of us grieves the same. I see your pain and understand. I will need a LONNNNNNGGGGG time to "get on with my life". Oh I will go through the motions, but my life has been hijacked onto a total new course. What we, you and I, cant come to terms with, is why hasnt it happened to the rest of the family (in your case your husband).

He has been affected, just not the same as you have, and it doesnt mean he loved him - or you, less, just different.

Suicide is so hard, I feel my son committed suicide too, only it was a slow suicide...drugs.

How can someone like your son with so much to live for take their own life? I dunno. Maybe your first sentences said it all..he was an overachiever. Something he put on himself, a standard that mightve been too high to maintain all his life. Only he knows for sure

Know this, the pain he felt that made him come to this decision is gone...and that is some; albeit very little, comfort.

Allow your husband his road, and insist on yours. As long as you respect each other,,you will come out of this ok.

I wish you peace, and a time when thoughts of your son will bring you nothing but joy.

Ellen

Aug 31, 2011

another grieving momby: Anonymous

I've been without my son for a year now. He died of leukemia at the age of 21. His future was bright and he was amazing. One thing that has helped tremendously is going to my local Compassionate Friend's meetings. Another thing that helps is Grieving Mothers, a closed facebook group. There are over 5,000 of us grieving moms who cry and share and rant and rave together. Hugs to you....this is a terrible path we have been given to walk.Shirley

Aug 31, 2011

We're Never The Same Again:(by: Anonymous

Vicky~Of course you are a different person. How could you not be? Your life is different. You have had part of your soul torn from you.Nobody can tell you what kind of person you should be. Nobody can tell you when it is time for you to move on~not even your husband. Your husband, of everyone in your life, should be more understanding. This is a terrible time for you. You aren't ever really going to get over it. You just learn to live with the pain. It never goes away.I would suggest that you and your husband try some counseling. If he won't go with you go by yourself. At least maybe you can learn to deal with the grief and insensitivity of your husband at the same time.I'm so sorry for your loss. It's like losing a limb. We have to learn to function all over again in a different way. Our lives are never the same. Your husband cannot expect you to go back to your former self. That is just not going to happen. Blessings to you.