posted Mon Oct 09 06:08:00 EAT 2017

Let’s scrap the darn age limit and these too

By Jacobs Odongo Seaman

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Stockholm Syndrome, that stage where a hostage begins to feel closer to the hostage taker, is that where Uganda is at going by what the Opposition is saying? Me I don’t know. I tried to ask my daughter if she knew age limit. A mistake. “Age limit? What’s that? [long pause]… daddy, why do the baboons we saw have funny buttocks?” She had changed the subject. I wonder why Anite and Abiriga don’t do the same when confronted with issues beyond their understanding.The nation is awash with ‘togikwatako’ and such stuff that those of us who are apolitical are finding difficult to comprehend. What does President Museveni want and who can keep him on a leash that denies him that bone he covets? For us apolitical saints, we say just give the man what he covets. It could be the poisoned chalice, who knows? I have always lived by the saying that however hungry a rat might be, it can only drink enough to fill its stomach if it fell in a drum of honey.Anyway, if Museveni will get his wish, what other things should we scrap of age limit and related checks and balances?

ChildhoodThis stage of life is full of blissful innocence. It is the butterfly of life, the only moment when playing with rainwater, in the murk and even playing with urine is perfectly normal. If childhood didn’t expire with growth, we might not be making all the noise about Abiriga’s childish antics. We would appreciate everything he is doing and say “yeah, that is bliss.” We would look at Anite and not retch when she is innocently partaking of the running nose into her lips but understand it is just a stage of life. If no one cleans it up for the child, they just lick it. Can the good guys who run this country send SFC to scrap childhood limit? We need this. Our MPees need it. Life is bliss, and we can’t be shortchanged by adult life.

Pastors, pastors and more pastorsNow this is not your cup of coffee. Pastors are an entire new species of ball game. These guys have done so many bizarre things on earth that if Museveni was asked to name them all in exchange for life presidency, he would retire peacefully tomorrow and even sue for peace with Besigye. Just when you thought the incident of prostrating and kissing the feet of this other self-appointed pastor was not bad enough, you wake up to Namboole filled to capacity with fellows worshipping their pastor.Yes, if you have a broken knife and it can still do its job so well, you just must honour it. It would be fitting for Gen Elly Tumwine to carve a medal named ‘The Unnamed Shepherd’ in honour of all the pastors. In these strange times when senior police officers are caught red-handed in kidnap for ransom deals against citizens they should be protecting, I guess Ugandans need more pastors than police after all. Pastors should be free of age limit or better still, above criticism of any kind.

The godsend, aka Son of KagutaThis one is so brilliant that he knew that the only thing the Karimojong people ever want is cattle, blood from cows to drink, milk and cow dung. They don’t even need clothes, those chaps. The son of Kaguta discovered this. He also discovered that the Karimojong people are happier to sling a rifle over their shoulders than worry about the price of mukene in Owino Market. But trust Museveni to keep his cards closer to his chest; he didn’t tell us. He silently went into operational mode, rumours say. We can’t authoritatively tell whatever happened in Karamoja although the rife talks of exploitation of gold in that sub-region is telling.While still smiling with contentment at the magic wand he had pulled off in Karamoja, the son of Kaguta discovered private oil. To be more specific, his oil. Ugandans talk about ‘our land’ and such stuff, but here, we had the Fountain of Honour declare he had his own oil. So now you don’t have to doubt Beti Kamya when she says Museveni was sent by God. Maybe what we all need is some antennae over our eyebrows like Kamya does, maybe it is the secret to speaking with God. And we need to do this fast before Museveni proudly lectures the nation on how he actually used water bottles to irritate Hoima and turn its land into abundant oil deposit.If you haven’t got where we are headed, then it is this simple: Ugandans need not to challenge this age limit stuff, we just need more Musevenis and since we only got one, let’s have the most of a godsend like him.

Traffic jamWell, I wanted to say more but I realised that even Abiriga would agree with me. I can’t fall for such a cheap thing. So to be forever opposed to Abiriga, Anite and Kamya, I will praise traffic jam. The godsend son of Kaguta should scrap the remaining taxes on used cars so we can have a slumber.