Diana Boggia: Teach your children to mind their manners

Thursday

Jan 19, 2012 at 12:01 AMJan 19, 2012 at 7:18 PM

It’s never too late to teach any child some basic manners.

Diana Boggia

Dear Diana, My 7-year-old was not only ungrateful this past holiday, but he was very rude when he received gifts. He has never been appreciative or polite, unless he got exactly what he wanted. I’ve overheard him tell people that he doesn’t like the gift they gave him, or that he already has one just like it. One time he turned to me, with wrapping paper in hand, and asked if I would take him to exchange that gift, to get what he wanted — right in front of the person who gave it to him! I was speechless! He has become a complete embarrassment to me, and, with his upcoming birthday, I need some help with what to do or say.

Dear Mom, It’s never too late to teach any child some basic manners. I suggest that you teach outside of the event, before his birthday. Tell him exactly what you expect him to say when he receives a gift. Explain that others spend time and money when choosing his gifts, but if he doesn’t like the gift, he doesn’t need to keep it or play with it. Don’t encourage him to lie, or say that he loves something that he doesn’t. He must, however, be polite and show appreciation for their thought and effort.

Teach him to say, “Thank you! This is great!” It is great that others are still giving your son gifts when he has been so rude and ungrateful toward them over the years. Another suggestion might be for him to say, “Thank you! I don’t have one like this,” or “Thank you. It is really nice of you to bring me a gift.” Ask him if he can think of any other phrases to say that would be truthful, even if he doesn’t like or want the gift. Having him help to problem solve, rather than providing all the answers for him, will help him to remember your lesson.

If your son is unwilling or unable to be mannerly, tell him that you will allow him to open his gifts later, in private, after everyone has gone home. If you feel he can open a gift politely in front of others, provide him with options and prepare him for when he receives a gift that he doesn’t want. An obvious option would be to exchange the gift where it was purchased. Another option is to allow your son to re-gift, and drop it into a collection bin for local agencies, such as Toys for Tots. When he understands that some children have no new toys except the ones they are given, he might learn to be grateful.

It is much to your credit that you have decided to do something about your son’s behavior. The things he has said have hurt and embarrassed you, as well as the gift givers. He also has been an embarrassment to himself, without even knowing it. Someday he will appreciate your thoughtful lessons. Many parents let things go, thinking that their child will just grow out of it. However, quite the opposite is true. If a child is allowed to behave in a certain way, he will continue to do so, until he is stopped, or taught something different. When you see a behavior that you don’t want to continue, think about how you can become an intentional teacher, and teach your child to learn a new, replacement behavior.