a hair’s whisker

I read this piece today and I can’t shake it. Firstly, just to get it out of the way, it is a beautifully written piece about a tragedy which shows no judgement, just the sad sad facts.

I think the part of it I struggle with most is how many of us fly that close to being *that* overwhelmed? What’s the difference? That we don’t have a partner checking out as well? That we have friends who won’t accept just being spoken to at the front door, who’ll barge in and throw that load of washing on, wash up the breakfast plates, make you make the call to support services?

Every day I think about killing myself but every day I don’t. The reasons for that are actually quite few and range from the very obvious to the seemingly insignificant.

Being connected, knowing people care about you no matter the state of your brain, your house or your life is so so important. This is more than asking if someone is OK, this is checking in, listening, distracting with inane nonsense and stories to make them laugh because life is messy and sometimes just kicking a clear trail through the debris is enough.

That’s what I thought. A family friend’s daughter committed suicide last week. She left behind two little boys. My heart weeps for them and for her.

Paola

I can’t picture such a thing, I am sorry. How a mother can close the door on her two little babies and starve them to death. You see, I said it many times, I have this horrible depressive, pessimistic, sad approach to each and every day of my life BUT it only reflects on ME, myself. I want ME to die, not anybody else, just me. I know I am probably being too judgemental but I can’t think about this. It’s unimaginable. Forgive my bluntness.

http://allconsuming.com.au/ allconsuming

No need to forgive, I do totally get that. The idea of hurting my boys makes me physically recoil – and knowing just how MUCH I would hurt them if I did something to myself is pretty much the only thing that stops me. Knowing it would create unimaginable pain for them – gah.

Malinda

I have just stumbled across your blog and this is the first post I have read. I have spent the good part of the last 20 years wishing I was dead every day. And in the last year I had even managed to block out the thoughts of my children when I was at my worst. That was scary, blocking out the only thing that had kept me alive up until that point.

After a brief encounter with a public mental health unit, being given meds that sent me manic and then bein referred to a new psychiatrist, I was finally given a new diagnosis of bipolar and spent the first 6 months of this year trying a range of different meds.

The meds made me mad. The kids and I (I’m a single mum) eat no additives and limited processed food, and eat organic as much as we can, so to pump myself full of cemicals annoyed the hell out of me. But now I am doing ok I have come to terms with it for now.

When the meds started working mid year, it was like waking up, like I had been asleep for 20 years. And I’m not even sure when the constant thoughts of wanting to die finally stopped, I didn’t notice immediately.

I am still, 3 months on, still feeling good. My moods I suppose are now within a normal range of up and down which surprisingly takes a bit of getting used to. My kids are in shock, mummy is back!

Not sure why I felt the need to post. I guess its comforting to hear that somebody else has the same constant thoughts I did. I’m not callous or abnormal, others go through it too. And I guess to say, despite the fact I believed the light at the end of the tunnel was a myth, it’s not. It’s there, and one day you’ll find it too. Mxx

http://allconsuming.com.au/ allconsuming

Oh thank you so much for sharing your story. Knowing you’re not the only one, that there are others struggling – and getting better – is so important. I think one of the ugliest parts of depression is that feeling of isolation and that no one understands. I have been well, as in “normal” and I know I will get there again, but my goodness the journey there is not without its challenges. Once again, thank you so much for commenting.

Chagrin

Before having my daughter (I only have 1) I would have been so judgemental of this woman. Why didn’t she abort if she really didn’t want them? Why didn’t she leave her loser partner? Why didn’t she put them into care if she couldn’t cope? But now I completely understand how circumstances can conspire to make parents do crazy things. Parenting is hard even if you have alot of support. I’m ashamed to admit it but there were days in the newborn phrase when I fantasised about closing the door and running away too.

http://allconsuming.com.au/ allconsuming

I think that’s it isn’t it – and I think that’s what the story conveys so well. What started out as a “whatever gets you by” turned quickly to outright negligence and then abuse. It’s just so so sad.

Chagrin

Oh and I can think of at least one reason you shouldn’t kill yourself- you have a gift. You write beautifully.

http://allconsuming.com.au/ allconsuming

Well you’ll keep, thank you.

tpgfantastic

Recently I was really, really low on cash and debts were eating me from all sides! That was UNTIL I decided to make money.. on the internet! I went to surveymoneymaker dot net, and started filling in surveys for cash, and surely I’ve been far more able to pay my bills!! I’m so glad, I did this.. With all the financial stress these years, I really hope all of you will give it a chance. – b15u

mooni27

Recently I was really, really low on cash and debts were eating me from all sides! That was UNTIL I decided to make money.. on the internet! I went to surveymoneymaker dot net, and started filling in surveys for cash, and surely I’ve been far more able to pay my bills!! I’m so glad, I did this.. With all the financial stress these years, I really hope all of you will give it a chance. – b15u