Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
4816

Ducks In Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man."
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says: "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck." Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
4798

Making Small Talk
Two men were seated next to each other on a plane when the first man turned to his seatmate and said: "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
"What would you like to discuss?" the second man asked.
"Oh, I don't know," said the first man: "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," the second man replied: "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the first man: "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said the second man: "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
4799

Traffic Stop
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. Less than 200 yards down the road, he's stopped by a police officer.
"Good evening, Sir," the officer says: "We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
"I'm sorry," the man replies: "I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will run out of air."
"Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test," the officer says.
"I can't do that," the man replies: "I have hemophilia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death."
"Then you'll have to get out and walk five yards along this white line," the officer says.
"I can't do that either," the man responds.
"Why not?" the officer asks.
"Because I'm drunk." Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
4800

Deep Sleeper
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered: "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there isn't anything in the whole wide world that could wake him up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said: "If I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his ass and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and had sex with her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's ass hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, I don't mind you screwing my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!" Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
4801

Two Statues
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes, and in those 30 minutes you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but they soon ran for the bushes together. Shortly thereafter, a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches could be heard. Then, 15 minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have 15 more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said: "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head." Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
4802

A Balancing Act
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he decided he would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem -- how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested: "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said: "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said: "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?"
The farmer said: "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
4803

Class Assignment
The assignment in composition class was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his: "Papa fell in the well last week..." he began.
"Good heavens," shrieked his teacher: "Is he all right now?"
"He must be," said little Irving: "He stopped yelling for help yesterday." Ryan Murphy