Anger with a D is Danger. That’s the kind of anger I used to have. The Destructive Kind.

Anger was my best friend. Always accessible and purposeful, it was my go-to response to many of life’s situations. It didn’t take much to justify unleashing on all the irritating people of the world. And those irritating people were everywhere!

Anger suited me well –I felt strong and powerful when I was angry. People kept their distance and I was safe. I got kudos growing up for being angry; as long as it wasn’t with anyone in our house! I’d come home with stories of mouthing off at teachers and be commended for it. Dad would laugh and give me the rare praise I coveted.

It wasn’t until I finally heard myself yelling at my kids that I was finally willing to admit anger might not be such a good friend after all. As I began to learn the true source of my anger, it gradually became more manageable and less destructive. It became easier to express anger more appropriately instead of through spontaneous eruption.

The initial downside was this allowed emotions I was unfamiliar with to surface. I was accustomed to masking my fear, loneliness and sadness with anger. I didn’t know how to handle these new emotions and often struggled with them.

It was so much easier for me to be angry and blow up than really listen and be vulnerable. Being “right” and “in control” took less energy and time in the short-haul; but it was also destroying my relationships.

That rush from being excessively angry was similar to the spike of a sugar high; it felt great in the moment, but it didn’t last and was harmful. The crash from those power trips left me weighted with guilt and shame. It’s obvious to me now my angry self came across as arrogant and egotistical, when in reality I was full of fear and insecurity.

Anger can have a healthy purpose, and I’ve learned it’s not something to fear anymore. Just like other emotions, it can be expressed in extremes or it can be expressed constructively. I feel so much freer now that anger doesn’t rule me. It’s not a matter of simply controlling it, but having processed it. The source and intensity of the unhealthy version has been removed. My family and I no longer have to wonder when my next outburst will be.

How about you? Do you have a story about struggling with anger or being the recipient of it?

I just stopped by and was once again bathed in Grace by your words of wisdom.
I think I have failed to mention, I admire, adore, love your tag line……. moving from surviving to thriving………………….
I wrote it on a sticky note. It helps me move.
Thanks for sharing, you make my world better just by listening to you share.

It’s not till the last ten years, I’ve even felt my anger, that became suppressed earlier in my life. It was revelatory when it started to surface. I’m sure I’m way healthier that it’s not all festering inside of me. Thanks for the post.

Wonderful, thoughtful post. Great insight into anger and what it does to you. My experience with anger is a bit different. I can’t bear to be around anger. This is not a good thing, because it also means that I don’t usually stand up for myself. Can you say “marshmallow”? 🙂

Ah, yes there is that side of things, too.
Next time someone is angry around you, maybe it would help to think about the fact they are probably feeling powerless and/or insecure and anger is their only coping tool at the moment.

Thanks for sharing Denise. It’s so true that anger often masks a lot of other uncomfortable emotions. I think, for me, anger is usually triggered when someone threatens my ‘value’ as a person. But when I dig deep for the truth about my value (and I use the other strategies I’ve learnt), it tends to subside. Not an easy journey. I’m so glad things are much better now for you. God is good.

Wow, this is so very well written. I can think of lots of people who seem to use their short fuse as a ego boost. For some of them, a temper is a boast. On the other hand, I also know of people who can channel their anger into useful energy.

Anger can be a great motivational tool, or misused as you mentioned. I think anger is sometimes a ‘bluffing’ tool to cover insecurities. In the big picture, it’s just another emotion, but one that has deep implications if used wrongly. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Allen.

WOW Denise, this really hit home. I almost let anger destroy me, anger left over from my childhood – it was my spiritual director that walked me through the issues and I also found – “It was so much easier for me to be angry and blow up than really listen and be vulnerable. Being “right” and “in control” took less energy” The key word being “vulnerable” – you have no idea how reading this morning confirmed that I am not alone. I do not speak of that time of life often, I am thankful you opened up that part of your life.. Praise God it is a part of my past and a learning experience that allowed me to grow deeper in love with God and into a unconditional love of my marriage.

Patty, thanks for letting me know how much you relate. It is so helpful not to feel alone. Sometimes I wonder why in the world God puts these topics on my heart, and I’m often nervous to share things like this. Fear of rejection and condemnation. Comments such as yours validate I’m listening to Him for the right reasons. We are helping each other, and I’m grateful!

Hi Denise,
I’m so happy that you addressed this. I had somewhat of an opposite problem. Whereas I had a lot of anger, I never expressed it. Parents and teachers taught me to be a lady–I never raised my voice, let people take advantage of me and tolerated it…until I didn’t. You got it–HUGE explosions over the littlest things.
Fast forward to being an adult–like you, I never knew when the outbursts would happen. The fear of wrecking my family led me to therapy and I feel so much better about everything. Anger no longer hides my happiness and gratitude and for that, I feel extremely blessed. I just read this quote from Maya Angelou the other day. It really seems to fit:

“The kindnesses … I never forget them. And so they keep one from becoming bitter. They encourage you to be as strong, as volatile as necessary to make a well world. Those people who gave me so much, and still give me so much, have a passion about them. And they encourage the passion in me. I’m very blessed that I have a healthy temper. I can become quite angry and burning in anger, but I have never been bitter. Bitterness is a corrosive, terrible acid. It just eats you and makes you sick.”

Hi Michelle, it sounds like that is often the case, too. Either extreme is unhealthy, as we’ve found out the hard way. It’s so freeing to find that middle ground -have a voice, but not be a volcano. Thanks for sharing your experience with anger.

Denise, you are so brave and honest to be sharing this, and while I haven’t had an anger issue, per se, I have certainly had times where various types of emotion and irritability were misplaced because I hadn’t recognized the root source. When I’m not practicing self-care in the realm of sleeping or eating, for instance, I can start feeling overwhelmed and anxious. This results in my being irritable or excessively sensitive to things a loved one might say when that reaction isn’t justified. Awareness is so important, and now I’m beginning to recognize these feelings for what they are and taking appropriate action (e.g. a nap!).

Hey Denise! I know the feeling of fear and anger as I used them similar to you. Once I finally realized what I was doing, it was an awakening for sure. Like you, I managed to change my “tone” and learn to deal with fear better. I’m glad that you realized what you were doing and are now onto healthier ways of expressing yourself 🙂

Great insights, Denise, especially into the underlying empowering that anger brought you. Thank you for sharing. I also had a destructive strategy of anger to the point that I physically and verbally abused my two-year-old daughter (she’s now 38 and we’re best friends!) My anger took away my voicelessness and it also empowered me to defend myself. Without it, I felt voiceless and powerless. I’m glad the Spirit is busy enlightening the eyes of our hearts to reveal the true ways we aren’t trusting God–but trying to protect ourselves in our own power. It’s wonderful to seek the Lord’s empowering rather than providing my own. Preach it, sista!

Kathy, I have read several of your posts about that time in your life and have been inspired by your honesty and commitment to change. What a wonderful reward to have such a beautiful relationship with your daughter now.
I’m so grateful, too, that I have relationships with my kids despite my destructive anger. Thank you for sharing your story here.

I was quite the opposite, growing up. Anger was treated as being wrong or scary…maybe not quite ‘sinful’ but something close…something unhealthy and to be avoided.

As a result, I squashed angry feelings, treating them as though they were illegitimate feelings in need of eradication. Even when I was angry, I would usually deny being angry…choosing words like ‘frustrated’ or ‘tense’ instead.

It took me a while to learn to understand and appropriately express anger. I think one of the good things is that process taught me to also better define and appreciate a broad range of emotions, as well as better identify their source.

I still, sometimes, ask myself…”Okay, I am experiencing a very strong negative reaction to this situation. What, exactly, am I feeling and why?”

Joe, that’s the other side of the coin and I’m glad you wrote about it. I know people who grew up that way, too, and really struggle with expressing themselves. I’m so glad you found your voice and can contemplate about what you’re feeling in the moment. Such a healthy place to be!

Thank you for sharing. My dad was very angry like that and we all lived with it for years. Your explanation fits perfectly in how/why he chose anger so many times. I applaud you from a child’s perspective for changing as life will be so much sweeter now for all of you! I am so happy for you! ♥

That’s a very rewarding comment, to give some explanation to the chaos and tension you experienced from your dad. When there is much pain inside, anger is one of many ways it manifests itself. Thank you for sharing.

Anger can serve a purpose, just like laughter can – but both need to be used at the right time in the right place. I wish more people were like you, Denise because I’m sure this world would be a much better place if people understood the reasons behind their anger instead of letting it rule their lives xxx

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