Case Number 22549

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES (BLU-RAY)

The Charge

"Did everyone see that? Because I will NOT be doing it again."

Opening Statement

Oh, Rob Marshall...For a man who brilliantly adapted Kander and Ebb's
Chicago for the screen in a way few could ever have imagined, you really
stepped in it here. After four viewings (twice theatrically and twice on
Blu-ray), I could go the rest of my life without ever seeing Pirates of the
Caribbean: On Stranger Tides again. And for an unabashed lover of this
franchise, that's quite disheartening.

Facts of the Case

It's a race The Fountain of Youth. The Spanish don't want anyone near it. The
British don't want the Spanish to have it. Blackbeard's daughter Angelica
(Penelope Cruz) wants its power to redeem her father's soul. Captain Jack
(Johnny Depp) and Mister Gibbs (Kevin McNally) are the only two who know how to
find it, and yet somehow everyone arrives at the same time. Oh, and they all
have ulterior motives.

The Evidence

Let me preface this review by saying I recently watched Pirates of the
Caribbean: At World's End for the umpteenth time like an eight-year-old on a
sugar bender. Warts and all, my love for this franchise is
well-documented...which is what makes the following analysis so heartbreakingly
painful.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is an absolute mess.

Those who had narrative issues with the previous two films are going to
quickly develop migraines. Despite The Fountain of Youth being the driving force
of this story, none of these characters really seem to care. The prologue
indicates the Spanish have some ambiguous vested interest in The Fountain, but
end up having zero impact on the story except as a means of getting our heroes
from one action set piece to the next. Jack has been to Florida, apparently
unable to locate The Fountain (even with Sao Feng's map), and returned to London
to rescue Gibbs. The only reason he's involved in all this is because of a trap
laid by former lover Angelica who's trying to use him to save the life of her
infamous father who's prophesied to die soon at the hands of a mysterious
"one-legged man." Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) is working as a privateer for
the British government, as a means to get revenge on Blackbeard (Ian McShane) to
whom he lost both The Black Pearl and his leg (there's one mystery solved). Oh,
and there's a ritual required to access The Fountain, which means we need to
stop off at White Cap Bay and capture a mermaid, as well as locate Ponce de
Leon's ship and abscond with two silver chalices. By the time we finally make it
to The Fountain, everyone is more interested in kicking everyone else's ass, and
the audience no longer cares. Adding insult to injury, The Fountain itself is a
sorry excuse for a climax. Given everything we've seen from these films thus
far, one would expect some highly impressive practical location enhanced by
mind-blowing CGI. Nope. Perhaps the production team thought, "If we confuse them
enough, maybe they won't realize this sequence stinks."

If a meandering, purposeless plot wasn't bad enough, the pacing at which
On Stranger Tides unfolds is sure to infuriate you. Director Rob Marshall
describes the film as such...Act One: London, Act Two: Water, Act Three: Jungle.
Each act has its own action sequences, held together by the thinnest of story
elements, which means we suffer through a lot of getting from here to there.
After nearly 55 minutes of setup, the quest finally gets underway, during which
we're treated to things like a Barbossa speech about being "King's Men." Blah.
Philip the Catholic missionary (Sam Claflin) preaching the importance of saving
one's soul. Boring. Angelica and Jack's non-existent sexual tension. Zzzzz.
Imposing zombified pirates who fight just like everyone else. Pfft. Wait...What
is Judi Dench doing here? Why is Captain Teague (Keith Richards) in London
delivering lazy screenwriter exposition? And how exactly did this movie make
more than $1 Billion at the box office?!

What I loved most about Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
and At World's End is that those scripts were steeped in franchise
mythology and the films reveled it. Walking into On Stranger Tides, it's
painfully obvious that world no longer exists. Everything here is grounded in a
cold, sanitary reality, leaving these once quirky and lovable characters gasping
for air. The crew of The Black Pearl were a motley group of well-defined
rapscallions. The crew of The Queen Anne's Revenge are 99-Cents Store imitations
in whom we have no vested interest. Zombies? Who cares. We've already seen
undead pirates and are still tormented by an undead monkey. Even Angelica
suffers a blandness unbefitting an actress of Penelope Cruz' skill (maybe the
pregnancy was sucking the life from her). And don't even get me started on the
Spaniards; these nameless, faceless characters are little more than human set
decoration.

The other thing this revamped Pirates of the Caribbean team gets
wrong from the very start is that Jack isn't an archetypal hero. He doesn't walk
into a dangerous situation and immediately calculate his escape. Jack makes
everything up as he goes along, letting luck deliver him from the clutches of
certain doom. "Sea turtles, mate." So to see him single-handedly take on the
entire regiment of the King's palace guard is preposterous, once again
underscoring how unnatural it is for him to exist in this environment. And
unlike the actor who plays him, Jack can't carry a movie. He's at his best when
part of team, playing the instigator; starting trouble, watching everything fall
to pieces, picking clean what's left, and beating a hasty retreat. The minute
you require Jack to be anything other than what he is, the character loses his
muchness.

But I digress...

Though I have been quite harsh in my observations, On Stranger Tides
does redeem itself with a handful of scenes worthy of its predecessors.

* The mutiny aboard The Queen Anne's Revenge is quite impressive, especially
in the way that Blackbeard's evil embodies every aspect of that ship. Let's face
it, Ian McShane is one badass pirate who doesn't get nearly the story nor the
screen time deserving of this character. Blackbeard would have been much more at
home in Gore Verbinski's world than Rob Marshall's.

* Tense, frightening, and visually stunning, the mermaid attack at White Cap
Bay is perhaps the film's most glorious achievement, with cast, crew, and ILM
pulling out all the stops. I only wish this sequence had been used to set the
tone for the entire of the film.

* For those (like myself) who loved the comedic character moments of the
previous films, Jack and Barbossa's infiltration of and escape from the Spanish
camp is absolute gold. Geoffrey refers to it as their Hope and Crosby moment,
and I heartily agree. These characters performed by these actors make the most
of every moment together.

Presented in 2.40:1/1080p high definition, a Disney Blu-ray rarely
disappoints. The visuals are stunning, if a bit flat compared to their
sun-drenched brethren. Night shoots, location choices, and an overwhelming
amount of color correction makes On Stranger Tides a very different
looking film, despite having the same cinematographer. The most impressive
detail can be found aboard The Queen Anne's Revenge, Barbossa's HMS Providence,
and the jungle trek to The Fountain. Lighting changes wildly on this picture, so
much so you begin to question the continuity of the story, but the visual
fidelity and depth of field remains solid. Though some have claimed a
heavy-handedness in post, I noticed no digital enhancement besmirching the
Blu-ray image. The now standard 7.1 DTS-HD Master Audio mix is a powerhouse sure
to get a rise from your neighbors. Although I found it more impressive as a
stand-alone listening experience, Hans Zimmer's latin-infused score leads the
way, its familiar themes keeping pace with the action. Not one piece of dialogue
is lost amongst the clamor of sword fighting, mermaid snatching, horse cart
racing, or jungle trudging, and the ambient soundfield will envelope your living
room.

And thus my short-lived merriment ends.

Disney's love of the 3D format has officially gone too far. Those of us who
abhor Hollywood's 3D infatuation and refuse to purchase a 3D television are now
being left behind. Yes, the studio is still offering 2D releases such as this,
but stripped of certain bonus features only available on the 3D release. So, if
you are a Pirates of the Caribbean junkie and want the full complement of
behind-the-scenes offerings (including five featurettes and five deleted
scenes), you'll have to pony up more of your hard earned cash. Disney will have
you believe when the time comes and you make the move to 3D, you'll already have
the film on hand, so it's a win-win. Nice try. When audiences tire of this
gimmickry and 3D goes the way of the rest of William Castle's cinematic
"innovations," you'll be left with an expensive coaster. In the meantime, those
of us 2D dinosaurs are treated to the following bread crumbs...

* Commentary -- Director Rob Marshall and his producing partner John
DeLuca engage in a two hour love fest, which is heavily congratulatory, not for
themselves but rather for everyone who worked on the film. In fact, it gets so
bad at one point Rob refers to Johnny as "never making a mistake. Not even a
flub. Ever." And yet, if you watch the blooper reel on this or any other
Pirates of the Caribbean film, you'll find Johnny's screw-ups are
numerous. The one telling thread throughout this discussion -- which does offer
up a surprising amount of behind-the-scenes detail, if you can tolerate the
fluff -- is their continuous reference to making On Stranger Tides a
"fresh, new" take on the franchise. Sadly, by making that their focus, they've
ultimately lost much of what made the original films so rich.

* Second Screen -- Disney's latest attempt to add value to the
movie-going experience. This downloadable app brings additional
behind-the-scenes content to your iPad or laptop. Unfortunately, this feature
was not made available for review prior to street date. I'll update this section
shortly.

* Bloopers of the Caribbean (3 min) -- An obligatory gag reel, one
that generates more grins than guffaws.

* Lego Pirates of the Caribbean (5 min) -- A glorified commercial for
the game which has been on the market since the film's theatrical release, and
(as someone who's played it through) is a hell of a lot of fun.

Closing Statement

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is a red-headed
step-clone, pretending to be something more than it is. By the time Barbossa
claims his revenge and Jack recovers The Black Pearl, my love of the franchise
may have been rekindled, but having to suffer through more than 90 minutes for
the hope of another adventure like the first three, is almost too much to bear.
Having flown in the face of popular opinion and defended all three previous
films, I'm dropping my torch and moving on.