Thursday, March 22, 2012

I'm so incompetent I can't even compose a post about how I'm incompetent. So forget the theatrics, forget the prose and poetry. It's time for raw words.

I knew I wouldn't be able to audition with that song. I've tried it three times and it just never works the same in front of the panel as it does at my piano. But I did it anyway.

And I HATE feeling so... You have to understand when you're best friend's in musical theatre and the majority of community shows they put on are musical theatre, and all of the freshmen in the theatre department are doing musical theatre... singing is a big deal. And every time I fail at it I feel like I'm a five-year-old again. An incompetent five-year-old that maybe someday will get better but for now she's just a dumb little kid and doesn't know better.

I feel like my confidence and my ability to perform in sync with that confidence determines my intellectual standing with people of this crowd. So when I stumble or reveal a short-coming I lose a few years and become the 19 year-old that doesn't know any better. They 19 year-old who is obviously a five-year-old on the inside because if she wasn't she would have gotten better at this by now, or learned to never EVER EVER rear her ugly head in this direction again.

And it's stupid but it really does shatter me immensely. I avoided singing in high school because I thought I could get around it, but if I ever want to perform again I have to learn to sing.

And it's shit. It's ridiculous that my self-worth is determined by whether I can control my singing voice in a public setting.

I don't want to sing. I hate musical theatre for the sole purpose that to participate I have to sing. It was okay in high school when I could get the old lady parts that don't sing, but in community theatre there are real old ladies to get those parts.

What do they need a 19 year-old for?

But the thing that's bugging me the most is that I felt I was making a decent impression on this brutally attractive man.

And then my voice cracked.

And who would ever be impressed by a 19 year-old who confidently sings like she's five?