You Blew It: The Last-Minute Christmas Gift Guide

I'll skip the whimsy because we (and by we, I mean you) don't have time for it: you are here 'cause you had one job, and you blew it. There are fewer excuses than ever before—the Christmas season started before you even had time to mess up Halloween—but thankfully, there are more solutions than ever before, too. In a world of apps, subscriptions, and custom shit, a last-minute gift can actually look like it was planned days, even weeks, in advance. No more IOUs, no more awkward WordArt "gift certificates," no more wadded-up cash in a wadded-up envelope. This year, you and your credit card can handle anything.

For the Inquisitive Family Man

For the past couple years, 23andMe has offered personalized genetic testing, analyzing your DNA via saliva sample and sending you information about your ancestry in an online report 6-8 weeks later. Spitting into a tube makes you feel pretty weird, but the results feel like they're from 2035. The best part? You can get the initial sample kit at Target or CVS in a last-minute dash. The kit is $29.99, and from there, you can register the box and pick the "Ancestry Service" for a total of $99—and if your giftee ever gets more curious, they can upgrade to get more health reports (but leave that up to them).

Here, we've got some options. First: check out our favorite books of the year, and then find the Kindle version (or dash to a Barnes & Noble). More of an audiobook person? Go with an Audible subscription, which gives them a credit a month—give them a suggestion for their first listen. Magazine reader? Try Texture, which is something akin to a digital library for magazines. They probably already subscribe to the magazines they like, so this gift gives them the chance to find something new.

For the Criminally Overworked

I've dabbled in the last-minute spa gift game before, and it's tricky business: you've got to pick the right place, the right amount, and find a way to present it in a way that doesn't scream "Hey, go clean up that life of yours!" Soothe offers on-demand massages via an app, and, while that sounds crazy on first read, it's just as crazy in reality. While there are way too many on-demand apps out there, this one pretty seamlessly delivers on turning your home into a makeshift spa. It's really fun to watch someone make your home relaxing, for once.

If you're cash-averse, the Airbnb gift card is one of the only gift cards that gives off the appearance of actually being thoughtful. If they've got a trip already in the works, add print-outs of rental options you think they'll dig. If they're clueless, pitch some ideas: in 2017, you can't go wrong with Vancouver, Pigalle, or any of these GQ-approved party-cations.

For the Gamer

For the most part, the internet has made the last-second video game hunt way easier. It's still a bear to get a console—your chances of grabbing a Nintendo NES Classic this late are rough—but the days of tackling someone over the last copy of Madden at GameStop are, somewhat unfortunately, long gone. Now, you can get digital codes for the PS4, Xbox One, and PC games, including our favorites of the year which you can check out here. For bonus points, log (or sneak) onto their device beforehand and download it, so they're not waiting on their wifi to get the game started. If you're looking to go more creative, these custom Xbox controllers are great: everyone always avoids buying a second controller, and the custom element protects you from having to wrap something at 6am Christmas day.

If you've got time—and the department stores are still open—make a run for it: we've got luxury options, grooming options, and bag options that'll save the day. If not, do as I did with my brother last year and go with a gift certificate to online shirtmaker Proper Cloth. It's a great chance to go wild designing the floral popover of his dreams, and an even better chance to nudge him into wearing a dress shirt that doesn't double as a mainsail in the back.

For the Perpetually Curious

The subscription box industry was built out of people like you panicking to find good gifts. Of those, we've got our favorites here. With any of these, the key is presentation: saying "You'll get my gift in 30 to 45 days from now" is lame, but picking up a representative gift—whiskey for a cocktail kit, a local coffeeshop gift card for a coffee kit, fresh bacon for that bacon subscription you got 'em—is an easy solution. Have no freaking idea what they want? Go with a gift card to Mouth, which curates monthly boxes for foodies of every type.

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