1.Clearly, thrift stores in Texas are superior to those found here in Pennsylvania.
2. I’m with Chris Illuminati, get the chupacabra, put it in the bathroom, and name it the Poopacabra. Because, um, amazing.
3. That Alligator looks like an Opera Singer.

If only there were about nine more of him, you could have your own tiny alligator can-can line! Clearly, you need to look harder (and find a freakishly skilled seamstress that specializes in atomic-particle-sized sequins).

Sweet jesus on a Ritz why can’t I find anything that amazing in thrift stores in CT or Cape Cod? Seriously. Victor doesn’t get it. Jefferson Peabody is amazing. And probably a hero. How could Victor say no to bringing home some sort of hero? It seems sort of un-American Victor. Just saying.

As soon as I saw him I pictured that old WB frog, Michigan J. Frog (yes I looked up his name), that used to sing with the top hat and cane, “Hello my baby, Hello my honey, Hello my ragtime gal…” I love your taxidermy collection…
STUPENDOUSLY SUPERBLY AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jefferson Peabody is totally an old-time southern preacher whipping the congregation into a frenzy of fire & brimstone; part James Brown, part the preacher dad from Footloose, part old-time carnival barker.

Please, please PLEASE tell me that’s going on an apron!! I really wanted the Juanita apron, but now this has totally surpassed that. And tell Victor that awesome is SO a measurement. There’s awesome, awesomer, awesomest and awesome sauce!

I just forced my husband to read this post… I shouted at him, “You’re scrolling too fast!” “FOCUS!!”… just couldn’t see him going through life without awesome dose of Jenny Lawson. He walked away smiling; his day is better for it.

It’s like Jefferson Peabody has known me my whole life and can hear exactly what I want to say to mot people most of the time but don’t! I love him! I love you for sharing his awesomeness with all of us! You are amazing, as always! Victor is such a lucky man!

I needed a laugh more than anything today! Thank you SO much for brightening my day! I simply LOVE your blog! Can I hire you to live with me and make me laugh? We won’t call you a jester, that’s politically incorrect….we’ll think of a name at a later date.

Apparently I need to come to Texas (?? I think that’s where you live – or I made it up in my head and now believe my own lie) because that’s where all the cool taxidermy is. Nothing cool in IL. Once found a deer head that looked like it would bust out in song any minute – but even that was in Ohio. If you ever find a deer head that looks like it could talk – drop me a line. Our stairwell will thank you.

Our thrift store had a coupon this weekend of $10/$30. You would have to buy THREE Peabodies to even get to the minimum for the coupon – that is how much of a deal he is! Oh, and there were no dead animals AT ALL at our thrift store so the coupon was pretty much wasted. Too bad, really, or I could have bought them and sent them to you and Victor couldn’t say no because they were FREE.

I think I get a little credit for this find.
Today, I was just reading the part of your book “And then I snuck a dead Cuban alligator on an airplane”, and couldn’t fathom how you would get by with just ONE taxidermied alligator.
My powers of psychic suggestion are strong indeed.
You’re welcome.

Jefferson Peabody just made a shitty day way unshittier. I’d say $12 bucks is a bargain for a tiny stuffed alligator who looks like he’s screaming, “Oh, the humanity!” Tell Victor you are saving people’s sanity one previously-unwanted taxidermied animal at a time. And we appreciate it.

So funny! I am still laughing many minutes after reading this post. While I honestly cannot imagine owning anything that was once alive and now dead and stuffed, I do feel myself a bit envious of this crazy cool alligator!

I’ve only been reading your blog for a couple months now and I was hooked instantly. I asked for your book for mother’s day when the hubby texted me out of frustration and after a fruitless shopping trip. It was awesome, by the way. I read from it aloud to my mother in the hospital shortly before she passed from a brain tumour because each chapter could be read stand alone and it was a fun read. She could no longer read for herself and she seemed to enjoy it. Even when she was unable to speak coherently she would chuckle at the good parts, which was often. You are totally crazy and one of the coolest people on the internets! Both are meant as compliments, of course. I’m still trying to figure out where you would keep all these interesting finds of yours… I have too many kids so there’s hardly room for all of us much less cool baby alligators, frozen in time and singing hallelujah (or, you know, screaming).

You should have him facing Victor and caption it “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!”

frankly, I think Victor may be the patron saint of husbands. I’m sure he has his shortfalls, Lord knows they all do, but he so groks you and steps back to let you….well…..be you. There’s gotta be a halo in there for him.

I loves him! I want him…or at least his brother/sister! On a bad note though, my boyfriend doesn’t want me to read your blog anymore, he says that every time I leave the house he is scared to death that I am going to come home with some f***** up piece of taxidermy. I think that he and Victor should go live in a retirement home together. I’ll NEVER give up The Bloggess!

OMG, I also screamed AHHHHHHHHHHHH when I saw him. But the first kind of AHHHHHHHH, not the second. And my husband also wondered what the hell that was about. When I said The Bloggess, I could actually HEAR his eyes roll behind me.

I think he needs a hug from the aggressive affection duck.

I gotta say, I am NOT finding these awesome taxidermied animal stores anywhere around Kansas City. Something is WRONG with this motherfucking city, I say.

I wish you got the duck too – who doesn’t need an assulting duck to force us to hug it out every once in a while? Tell Victor it’s like free couples therapy. If he tells you it’s not free because you still need to buy the duck, you can tell him that little disagreements like those are EXACTLY why you need couples therapy.

I believe that I will need to get this greeting card to hang on my office wall, so that when my bosses are being The Dumb, I can look at it and it will make me laugh from the sheer freaking awesome that is the duo of Juanita and Jefferson Peabody.

I’ll have you know, you have probably just saved me from committing arson. 😉

I love him! Where the heck do you find these gems? I especially love that his facial expression works for both horror and delight. I would put him in my closet, so every day I could picture him screaming “FABULOUS!” after I get dressed. Or, if I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see, he would back me up by screaming “AAAACK!” Too awesome.

My hairdresser in Austin also collects taxidermy. When I saw him a few weeks ago he was debating a $600 baby goat he’d found in a shop on South Congress. I can be excited for him and encourage it because it’s not going in my house. This tiny, screaming stuffed alligator, however, is nine kinds of cute. I cannot even believe I just typed that.

I make my husband read your blog, Jenny, so that he can appreciate that other husbands out there don’t get to live the rich and varied life that he and Victor do. Being married to Southern girls is a blessing in the truest sense of the word.

I have never bought a dead animal before but I would definitely have bought Jefferson Peabody. I couldn’t have walked away and left him there and I’m glad that Victor didn’t talk you out of this adoption. Jefferson is awesome and so are you; please don’t ever change❤

I love the souffle greeting card! But I have to say…that fucking alligator scares me, in much the same way that baby corn scares me. (Seriously.) It’s just…too small. And WHERE DID YOU FIND A DRESS FOR A DEAD ANIMAL? It fits SO PERFECTLY. It looks so…twee. (Which really is NOT a word one has the opportunity to use very often, so I think I should get points for it or some shit, like some kind of Bloggess Scrabble. Get to work on that and don’t say I haven’t helped you with marketing ideas, WAY more than Victor who obviously is still thinking INSIDE the box as opposed to outside the entire effing universe like I do.)

Omg… this is the first dead animal you’ve posted that I was repulsed by… he is actually kind of cute… adorable really… baby anything is cute…. even dead baby Gator … maybe its just the wine… or lack of sleep

There is a “vintage” (code word for “old crap”) store on South Lamar in Austin where the funk just gets funkier! Make a day of it! I found a taxidermied wolf hound there that seemed to be more antique than vintage for the shocking price of $685. I bet you could talk them down. If he’s still around, which I’ll bet he’s not because who doesn’t want a taxidermied wolf hound for $685?http://www.uncommonobjects.com/

If you are running out of room, than you need to add a room. You can pay for this by selling tickets to people who want to come and see your stuff. Then, you’ll totally be in the roadside attraction business and you can keep buying more stuff and adding more rooms. Like the House on the Rock. That would be awesome. I’d totally buy a ticket.

OMG. I just kept wondering if he was stuck in his egg like that. It took a few steps before I realized he was probably not screaming from being ripped from the womb. I do feel better now because he was almost certainly not trying to rip himself out of an egg when he died, he’d be too squished to scream then. Right?

This just happened in my house:
Me: “BAhaHHAHA”
Tim: “What?”
Me: “Oh, just one of my favorite bloggers bought a taxidermied baby alligator that looks like it’s screaming.”
Tim: “…is that the lady who has A LOT of taxidermied animals?”
Me: “Aww, yes!”

Just got home and was waxing lyrical (as you do) about alligators and taxidermy. Flatmate “you’ve never mentoned this before”. Me *stomps off * “Are you f-ing joking me mumble mumble mumble”. I have now forwarded him the blog and expect him to have read and understood and totally get every single post by tomorrow. Or else.

That motherfucker’s magical. And he goes so well with Juanita. And now I’m singing the theme song to The Rescuers, remembering the huge alligators Brutus and Nero (b/c nothing makes more sense than a 70’s movie reference of huge gators compared to Jefferson Peabody’s tennytininess, right?). Or were they crocodiles? Fuck you, grade school!

Can you just put up the blank picture so we can Photoshop it ourselves with our own captions because I feel the need to waste 3 more days of my life working on that shit like I did with the Juanita one. Thanks in advance.

WOW! I’m betting they can sing opera too! Look at the passion in those poses! I don’t actually know any opera words, so I’ll demonstrate with a little Aretha Franklin because she’s better than opera anyway. “R-E-S-P-E-C-T….”
Maybe a little Gotye, “You didn’t have to cut me up….”
OK – I’ll stop now – oh wait one more.
or – Dorothy Moore, “…I should forget you. Heaven knows I tried….”
WAIT – here is the perfect theme song for them:
John Prime – …”Please don’t bury me down in that cold, cold ground. I’d rather have them cut me up and pass me all around…” (not that they want to be cut up, but the lyrics show how deeply they do not want to be buried.)
They are very versatile in their music choices.

My husband is with Julie K’s husband (comment 24). Maybe they need to start the Long Suffering Husbands Association. On the other hand, I know I keep my husband around because the entertainment, although rare, is excellent. And, instead of taxidermy, we collect bones: muntjac, sambar, serow, macaque, dog, and cat.

Please. Please. Please. Start Victor blogging his own thoughts. Cause they have got to be awesome. Half the time I’m reading this to hear stuff coming out of his mouth in reply to you. Favorite blog. Bar none.

So fabulous….I’m a new reader/fan/obsessor, btw, and am midway through your book and actually know the region you mention as your home and am about to move back to a place, like, 40 miles from you, which is totally not what someone should say to a person with extreme anxiety, but maybe we could hide under desks together (I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so I’ll just mimic you, seriously). And soon my Juanita Weasel button will arrive, and I will wear it proudly, and doesn’t that just say everything. ::hug:: I think you are MADE OF AWESOME.

Yep, that is pretty much all kinds of awesome. Jefferson Peabody is the perfect way to start Monday. Just can’t figure out why Texas ends up with all the awesome dead stuff? WHY?! I live in backwoods Georgia fer Chrissakes!

I agree with an earlier post-er that said he looks likes he’s singing. But it looks to me like he’s singing “Feelings….whoa, whoa, whoa feeeeeelings…..” And by the way, I can’t tell from the pictures—-what makes you so sure he’s a he and not a she? I kinda want photographic proof.

Like Veronica, I am lamenting the fact that the thrift stores near me never seem to have dead animals for sale. I don’t think I’d buy one, but I would pose it in interesting places in the store and take its picture.

The Small-Town, TX, it is a strange beast, y’all. In addition to a million Beyoncés of all shapes and sizes (including ducks, goats, pigs, and all this just at the large souped-up chain grocery store!), it makes signs that fill the heart with joy. A treasured memory of mine, the summer we moved to Paris, TX: a hand-lettered notice on the Burger King speaker that said, “Speaker is brock.” Yes sirree Bob – it DID. I won’t even tell y’all about the marquee sign outside the florist’s that said, “Tulips today – two lips tonight!”

I went all awesome with the Pony Danza magnet support love, because it has just the right amount of passive aggressive sarcasm I can use at my office, and made me snort with laughter, so I decided instantly “gifts!” And bought 5.

Then they arrived, and I’m all “Yay!” And I opened it up and was all “noooooooooooooooooooooooo” in the best Juanita Weasel style I could muster, because those bastards at Zazzle didn’t properly resize the image to fit the 3 x 4 option.

So now it’s just sarcasm with no meaning, and I found that was rather frustrating. So just thought I’d share the heads up with you to NOT buy the SMALLER magnet option! It’s all dressed up without a place to parh-tay, unlike Jefferson Peabody…

Wasn’t Jefferson Peabody formerly a cartoon character with a top hat and cane? I LOVE his enthusiasm! This makes me want to hit some yard sales, because where I live there’d totally be some weird taxidermied shit.

I love that moment at the end of all the funny when I scroll back up to the top and reread the title, and suddenly that’s funny, too! It’s like a bonus funny at the end (beginning) of all the other funny!

@Susan D.And by the way, I can’t tell from the pictures—-what makes you so sure he’s a he and not a she? I kinda want photographic proof.

Unfortunately for us, most reptiles have their reproductive organs on the inside so the only way to tell for sure is with an internal exam by a vet or a blood test. As little Jefferson Peabody has no more blood and can’t have an internal exam, we’ll just have to trust Jenny on this one. 🙂

The first creature has been misidentified, he is absolutely NOT a reverse Mr. Tumnus, but rather a hornless Gump (see Return To Oz starring a young I-bind-you-Nancy), and JP is clearly screaming for someone to get the Gump a couch-body so he can fly.

You have opened my world to taxidermy, Jenny Lawson! I only thought major hunting conquests like deer and antelope were stuffed! Well, my grandpa had a stuffed pheasant. Anyway, I thought only fowl and deer-like animals were taxidermied. Now, I’ve been enlightened. I’m also really surprised that Victor is surprised/shocked by ANYTHING. I mean, really.

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with the post, but has EVERYTHING to do with something I think you’d love.http://jezebel.com/5928322/meet-the-man-with-the-160-lb-scrotum
I want to know if it jiggles.
If I ever see this man on the street I am going to go up to him and ask, “Sir, may I touch your testicles?” and if he says no I am going to tap and run.
Read your book by the way, it was FANTASTIC and led to my twelve year old cousin thinking I’m insane because I would laugh for fifteen minutes straight every few pages. I’m rambling, but serious check out the 160 pound scrotum.

My husband will probably kill me if you and I ever meet because I KNOW we’d be the greatest of shopping-mates.
And then we’d have to park our car on the driveway so that I could make a dead-animal museum in our garage.

Sigh, I would love to have a taxidermied Polish chicken, it would be having a taxidermied Tina Turner or 80’s David Bowie in the house all the time. Without the chicken poop, or crowing. Who doesn’t love a chicken with an afro, or 80’s Hair band hair in the house ?http://search.aol.com/aol/image?q=polish+chicken&v_t=wscreen50-bb
Here are some pretty pictures of the Polish that I just love.

The best part is that he could also be yelling out of outrage. Like…. “WHERE ARE ALL THESE FUCKING LLAMAS COMING FROM?!? AND WHY ARE THEY SMOKING?? THERE IS NO SMOKING IN BARS ANYMORE, LLAMAS!!!! I’M SICK OF THESE MOTHAFUCKIN LLAMAS IN THIS MOTHAFUCKIN BAR!”

I *strikethrough*blame*/strikethrough* *underline*thank*/underline* you for this mantra: I do not need to buy a baby octopus. I do not need to buy a baby octopus. I do not need to buy a baby octopus. but I wanna…. I do not need to buy a baby octopus. I do not need to buy a baby octopus. I do not need to buy a baby octopus.

*sigh*

thank you for being honest about your depression. You have helped me get through a very very dark time.

Please make a magnet with “by the awesome” on it. However, may I request (very humbly and apologetically) that there not be any dead animals on it please? It wouldn’t be suitable for work. But a new metric measurement is totally necessary in the laboratory where I work. Please? pretty please? With a centimeter on top?

Jenny, (I am going to just call you Jenny cause I think of you like a friend, and we would be on a first name basis I am sure if we ever met…I hope anyway…)
I have to tell you, I have been reading your blog a while and more often than not I laugh so hard I cry and not like just normal cry, but cry so hard tears shoot out of my eyes uncontrollably and it really actually scares me a little cause sometimes I worry I won’t be able to stop…. anyway, this made me laugh that way! I just want to say thank you. I am currently reading your book too, and OMGosh I laugh out loud so often my kids come into my room to see what I am laughing about! Again thank you! Laughter is much needed in my life right now. I mean, we all need laughter all the time I know, but sometimes more than others, as you rightfully know.🙂
Sincerely,
Kelly
(and if we ever do meet, which I can only hope, please call me Ishmael, I mean Kelly)

Oh please, how could anybody possibly pass that adorably impassioned little guy up? I mean, just look at him. You can imagine him belting out an operatic aria, or being in the midst of something hugely exciting, like spotting a new bakery in town; visiting an all-chocolate buffet; or having an orgasm (from the combined bakery products and chocolate buffet, of course).😀

I can’t even breathe I’m laughing so hard. Just finished your book and read aloud the bit about the water squirrels to my 19 year old son who was deeply engaged in playing some sort of psychotic game on his computer and he actually removed his headphones and laughed till he had tears running down his face. You are a marvel.

So I don’t know if you came to Alabama on your fancy book signing extravaganza but if you did I missed it and will need the Tardis with a quickness, because I read your book yesterday and I think you’re magnificent.

I saw this and immediately thought of you. Could be a new office chair? Who wouldn’t want to be surrounded by not one, but three distinguished-looking and cozy sheep heads whilst you work on your next post.

I was sitting here, traumatized after seeing a maggot crawl off my salad that I was having for dinner (made with lettuce I just bought yesterday and washed before I ate it), trying to think of ways to avoid ever eating again, and I stumble upon this. Thank you! Thank you for making me smile. You made me forget that I will need therapy for a little while.

That’s awesome. And even better is the combination with Juanita. I introduced a non-blogging friend to you and she has become a follower (I think she’s reading your entire archive or something) …so I will therefore have to send her that card. She will love it.

I almost now want to start collecting crazy taxidermy animals, even though they kind of scare me. I love that aligator he is so great. He will be a useful business investment for you I am so sure! Think of all the advertising you could do with him? He looks so happy always, business want their customers happy!

Does Victor really curse that much, or is that added for comedic effect? And your neck of the world must be really nuts or I really need to get out more, because I have never run into taxidermied animals anywhere. It sounds like a magical life.

I’m mistrusting zazzle’s reviews as I was looking at the ”Motherfucking Souffle magnet and one review was from missionaries ” giving out these magnets as prayer cards to go on the fridges of our friends. The response has been excellent!” Love the magnet though.

We’re currently doing a lot of shopping for our new home, etc. My partner might once again be less than thrilled with my reading your blog since now I am totally going to use “by the awesome” as a term of measurement when we’re deciding what to spend.

Love the new member of the family and that souffle card has been one of my favs for a long time.

I immediately thought he looked like he should be singing Italian Opera. Also, I don’t know if I actually read this on your blog or if it is my imagination, but whenever you write conversations between you and Victor, I always hear his voice with a British accent…

OMG!!! I want one!!!!! (I have little “toys” and mascots for my blog, because its a food blog, and if I eat the same thing a few days running, I put a mascot with it so my readers know I took the photo on a different day. I have some doozies (from thrift stores) but I have to say, the little aligator takes the prize as the most hilarious!!!) I’m new to your blog, and will be reading your book soon. Thank you SO much for this laugh today, and the laughs I know I’ll have as I continue to read your posts.

@ tara pratt–have you ever tried to talk them down at uncommon objects???? It’s next to impossible… I once tried to talk them down on a melted wax manniquin they were selling for 150$… No go… They are proud of their merch. Go check out my half melted manniquin… She’s still there in the back corner before the special room starts. Sigh…

Not sure if you’re into it, but that alligator AND mouse look like perfect ravers to me. SO EXCITED FOR TECHNO! If you set up, Oh I don’t know, a miniature European Rave concert they would look fabulous in day-glow clothing and mini glow sticks. Just a thought, maybe for Halloween?

Just finished your book, and just laughed my ass off at this post. My 3 boys ran over to the computer, took one look at the picture, and ALL STARTED YELLING, “I WANT THAT ALLIGATOR!” Ugh. So NOW I am going to HAVE to find one. And CERTAINLY, you bought the LAST ONE! By the way, my husband does not believe that you can laugh out loud while reading books. Whatever. Anyway, I laughed out loud while reading yours, and he was all, “Whatever you are reading cannot possibly be that funny.” So I started reading him stuff from your book and he would just get this stupid smirk on his face, and this particular smirk is what I call the ‘trying-not-to-laugh-but-it-really-is-funny’ smirk. Men.

Jefferson Peabody is super awesome, cute & yes he does look like he’s raising the roof! I have to admit that I too have been looking for little stuffed critters ever since I started reading your blog but unfortunately, I haven’t found a darn thing! I will fullfill this dream one day…

So having finally seen the picture of Jefferson Peabody (we’re a little slow here, but we just got your book, and I decided to catch up…it’s been busy!) we found that we were in complete stitches over the picture of Juanita and Jefferson agonizing over the souffle. It has now become our favorite quote de jour and we found that infusing the second RUINED! with a Khanesque flavor a la Shatner seemed to bring out the agony even better. Seriously. I could totally see Shatner doing this. He did a really weird musical album with a trippy version of Bohemian Rhapsody, so why not souffle?
Happiness is giggling over the book, by the way. I am an English teacher and can definitely appreciate the commentary. If I ever do get into a school system that is cool enough to let me get the book, and I do get any single malt, I will certainly send you some. Sadly, I have yet to find a school system that cool.
That’s why I teach college.

You have to check out eBay item 380458319243 – it’s Jefferson Peabody’s perfect bride! Just don’t let Victor see you, because she’s a bit more than $12. But a completely justifiable purchase, one feels …

That damn ancient baby alligator is awesome! I quickly purchased the shirt so people knew I had enough self confidence to pull off a shirt that screams FANTASTIC with a picture of an ancient baby alligator on it. It makes for a nice conversation starter I think, except with weird people who would think I was the weird one for wearing a shirt with a baby alligator screaming FANTASTIC on it but I think those people probably would avoid talking to me and that is also kinda what I am going for.

Hi Jenny,
I just recently was introduced to your blog and may I just add that..I LOVE IT! I am now inspired to find my own furry stuffed friend and dress him/her (considered a squirrel with tutu). Though, I think following your blog and adventures may be more entertaining than creating my own. Thanks for the all the laughs!
Jo

All in the Family: Courtney LeBlanc's poetry chapbook is an honest and raw look into the dynamics of family relationships, the good, the bad, and the oh-so ugly; it'll make you cringe, cry, laugh, smile, and appreciate the relationships you have with your family.