meat

A new breed of wood tick has been discovered in West Virginia, and is causing a panic among vegetarians and vegans. Along side the “reverse zombie” or “lone star” tick, which has been confirmed to trigger a red meat allergy in those bitten by the little assholes, the new “hippie tick” will make you allergic to vegetables.

“All vegetarians, vegans, and general vegetable lovers need to know about this tick,” said USDA spokesman Carl Richards. “The Reverse Zombie tick is horrible for all of us people who eat real food, like steak and cheeseburgers, but now the Hippie Tick, as we’ve come to call it, is out there – and it’s really screwing up things for all those pussy vegans.”

The Hippie Tick, which is actually known as the Ixodida Aracnodia, is small and brownish-red, like many ticks. They live in large, green grassy areas, and are especially fond of moist or wet areas – both in nature and on your body.

“Always check everywhere on your body for these little guys,” said Richards. “They’re known to be found in ear cavities, under armpits or breasts, and in rectums or vaginal cavities. They love hot, wet, smelly areas.”

So far, there are no vaccinations against the bites of either the Reverse Zombie or Hippie Tick, and neither disease is curable once contracted.

Japan, much like the rest of the world, has long had a problem with overcrowding in major cities. And with overcrowding comes a horrible issue with waste – but not just garbage, human waste as well. Several years ago, in a lab in Japan, several scientists were able to work to put that waste to good use by creating edible steak and meats out of human feces.

“We took the best parts of human waste, which is to say, the fibers and nutrients, and we formulated those to create a new, totally safe, edible product,” said Dr. Buru Tawagoto. “Japanese people have been eating it for several years, and it has made waste go down and nutritional values go up throughout the country.

Just this week, the United States FDA cleared the Japanese “shit steak” for use in both the private and public sectors of the food market. Starting at the end of the year, people will be able to buy this same product in grocery stores, and order it in restaurants.

“We waited quite some time to come to this decision, basically watching, waiting, and checking to see how the project went in Japan,” said FDA spokesman Mario Carson. “In the end, we felt that there was nothing stopping us from clearing it for use. It is healthy, and there have been no noticeable side-effects. We think it tastes like shit, but hey, that’s not the issue at hand, here.”

Loni Jane Anthony, the woman who was criticized for her extreme 80/10/10 vegan diet, says she plans to have another child to replace her first born, who has developed a taste for meat.

After living a life filled with booze and bad food choices, Anderson adapted a “healthy diet,” created by Dr. Douglas Graham, of 80% fruits and vegetables, 10% protein, and 10% fat. She received criticism from many on the internet who said she did not eat enough fat and protein during her first pregnancy. Thankfully, her growing baby sucked all the minerals and fats it needed from her brain and bones, and little Rowdy came out happy and healthy.

Anthony, who said at first she would raise her baby as vegan, and respect the choices he made later in life, has now reportedly gone back on her word. She announced on her Twitter page that she is planning on having another baby to replace ‘the bad apple,’ who is now three years old.

“Rowdy begs and cries for Happy Meals, T-bone steaks, and bison burgers. I am not raising my child on meat!” said Anthony. “It was bad enough he insisted on so much breast milk as a baby. Breast milk is dairy! Dairy is fat! We made him so many delicious smoothies, and all he wanted was milk. Now that he’s older, he wants cheeseburgers! I won’t have it. I’m disowning him, and starting over. I plan to create a baby race of healthy dieters.”

Many followers of Anthony claim that she is probably only doing this for the publicity, as her Instagram and Twitter shots have been sluggish and boring, and getting less likes and shares lately.

“She’s losing steam, I tell you, and the diet clearly isn’t working as well, if you know what I mean,” said Instagram user FollowMeForLikes. “She’s just drumming up interest in her stupid diet again. If you ask me, that 10% fat is going straight to her ass.”

The Food and Drug Administration in Washington, D.C. has reportedly lifted an age-old ban on cat and dog meat that kept restaurants from using the ingredient in their dishes. The move comes after a petition signed by over 2 million people on change.org that pleaded with the agency to reduce its hold over delicious pet meats.

“I am so excited to hear that the FDA has lifted the ban on cat meats, as it is a delicacy, and it is delicious,” said 4th-generation Chinese restaurant owner Chow “Joseph” Han. “Those of us who have been eating and serving cat secretly for many years are breathing a massive sigh of relief in no longer having to hide our ingredients.”

According to Han, this also means that the meat that they will use will come from cleaner, safer animals.

“Because the FDA was not allowing us the use of certain meats, namely those of cats and dogs, we would have to catch strays to make sure that people didn’t know where the food came from,” said Han. “Oftentimes, those strays were mangey or dirty, and may have had rabies. Now, with the lifted ban, we can control the food, and the meat will come from clean, regulated animals.”

Cat and dog meats, which are commonly consumed in other countries, had been banned in the United States since 1904.

A Mobile man, Joel Randolph, 51, was taken into custody after he admitted to police officers that he had murdered his wife of 11 years, Janet Randolph, 38. According to police reports, Randolph murdered his wife after he arrived home from work and found that she had burned his steak dinner.

“For years, my lovely cooked the meat perfectly. Oh, how lovely cooked the meat,” said Randolph. “I came home from work, and I could even smell it far away. I walk in the door, and she had burned the steak. Burned that bastard to a crisp. It was disgusting. I work hard for the money that purchased the meat, and I’m sorry, but it’s unforgivable.”

Police chief Carl Moore said that Randolph was being arraigned later this week, and if convicted, could face life in prison.

“I wish this was still the good ol’ days, when only men served on the jury,” said Randolph. “I’d never be convicted it it were men. They know how to keep a good wife in line, and if she burns the meat, she deserves whatever is coming to her.”

Randolph says that although he regrets admitting to the crime, he does not regret that it happened.

“She tried to apologize, too. ‘Hope you got strong teeth today, Joel,’ is what she said. ‘I’m sorry, I burned the steak!’ Well bitch, I have strong teeth, but I got a stronger backhand, apparently. We used to have no strife in our relationship – she was a lovely, lovely wife. What a shame to have it end like this.”

When Felicia Sommers heard about the big discount meat giveaway taking place beside the community garden she tends, she wasted no time in calling all of her friends. “Have you seen the price of meat these days? It’s outrageous!” said the 32-year old mother of four. “I called as many people as I could to get over here, and get over here quick.”

One of the people Sommers called was the wife of Newark police detective Alan Hynes. “I knew something was up when my wife told me about it,” said Det. Hynes. “I changed into plain clothes and took a walk over.”

Sure enough, a few shady characters operating out of the back of a truck and dealing in cash-only transactions were running the show. “Labels were torn off the plastic so you couldn’t find out where the meat came from, but we knew it was stolen from somewhere,” said Hynes. “There were also a number of lookouts pacing up and down, these guys were real amateurs.”

“The meat looked very lean,” said Sommers, “leaner than any meat I have ever seen before. I was about to ask the guys a question when all hell broke loose and we found out the truth.”

Panic ensued. Customers screamed. Many retched out in the open air. The purveyors of purloined pony plasm quickly grabbed their packages and threw them back in the truck, snatching some of the equine flesh from the hands of many disappointed consumers.

“I didn’t care if it came from a horse or whatever,” said single mother Winnie Foster. “I have mouths to feed. We eat pigs and sheep and birds and cows, don’t we? What’s the big deal about eating a damn horse? It’s not like it’s monkey meat or anything gross like that! Now I gotta go home and make some more damn spaghetti, and I promised my family they were going to have meat tonight. My kids are sick of spaghetti – and so am I!”

The perpetrators were arrested and charged with selling stolen property, but were not charged with selling horse meat. “It’s technically not illegal to sell horse meat in the United States. The government cleared it years ago – it’s just kind of frowned upon,” said Hynes. “So we couldn’t get them on that, though I’d have liked to. I’ve done mounted police duty before, and so the thought of eating one, well it kind of makes me sick to my stomach to tell you the truth.”

“I guess I’ve learned my lesson,” said Sommers. “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”

“Where’s the Beef?!” was a popular phrase in the 80s, based on the 1984 TV commercial for Wendy’s restaurants featuring little old ladies sampling other restaurant’s menu items. Apparently the answer to the question is, ironically, not at Wendy’s. At a press conference this morning, Wendy Thomas, daughter of founder Dave Thomas, and president of operations Carl Frosty admitted that mounting internet rumors are true, and that Wendy’s stopped using beef in their burgers back in 1984.

“It’s true – the 1984 ‘Where’s the Beef’ ad was an inside joke started by my father. I really don’t see the big deal, honestly,” said Thomas. “Horse meat is FDA approved, is has been for ages. If you’ve enjoyed our burgers any time in the last 30 years, there’s no reason not to keep enjoying them. My father was a businessman; he experimented to find the cheapest, yet best tasting meat he could. He tried dog, cat, llama, and rats in our testing labs, but horse meat was the tastiest and the cheapest. It’s even less expensive than beef, if you can believe it.”

“We use horse meat in everything that our restaurant serves,” said Frosty. “Our chili, burgers and sandwiches – even our new ‘pulled pork’ sandwich is horse meat. It’s amazing, really. With the right seasoning, you can get horse meat to taste like anything. Wendy’s is not only fast food, but it’s good food, and I hope everyone keeps enjoying our burgers as much as we enjoy making them for you.”

“Personally, I don’t see the big deal at all,” said Carmine Classi, a self-professed ‘Wendy’s lover’ who was at the press conference. “Horse meat, zebra, unicorn, antelope – I don’t care, as long as it tastes good and it’s cheap. Where else can you take the family out to dinner for $20 bucks? I’m on a tight budget all the time, thanks to a small problem I have with gambling. But hey, when I lose my money at the track I’d yell normally yell ‘I hope they make glue out of you!’ But now I can yell ‘I’ll see you at Wendy’s!'”