UBI CARITAS ET AMOR. DEUS IBI EST.

IF ...

Monday, 25 April 2016

Don't Maths With Me

Mathematics is the very first type of education in the world. It all started when God said to His people to go forth and multiply. Of course, He meant go and learn the multiplication tables because they will serve you well in life. But the Catholics took Him too literally and had plenty of children.

Oh ... Oh ... I foresee a reprimand from my priest. He reads this Blog, you know; and often tells me off at Confession.

Anyway ... God told all creation to go forth and multiply. A year later He came back to check, and sure enough, every one had had a good time and there were plenty of baby everything everywhere. Baby people, baby animals, baby fish, birds and so on. And God was pleased.

However, He noticed that there were only two snakes. So He asked them: "Did you not have a good time? Why did you not multiply as I said?"

They replied: "We are adders. We need logs to multiply!"

Get it ... ??? No???

It's a mathematical joke. Logs means logarithms. And you need logarithms to multiply ... Forget it. It comes to something when I have to explain my own jokes. It made me laugh anyway.

Let's go on. Pay attention now.

Mathematics is all about numbers and the relationships of
numbers to one another. For example, do you know that there are more stars and
planets in the universe than all the grains of sands in all the beaches and
deserts in the world?

Without telling you the number of stars the mere image I
have depicted has conjured in your mind how many stars exist.

There are indeed many grains of sands in the desert. I
should know.

I was once a member of a research team in the desert and my
task was to count the number of grains of sands. I counted up to 23 and got
tired. So I can categorically claim that there are more than 23 grains of sand
in the world and more stars than that in the universe. Just look up to the sky
at night to prove it.

The Ancient Greeks were great mathematicians. Pythagoras for
instance used mathematics to work out the measurements of shapes, especially
triangles. He found out that the square on a hippopotamus is bigger than two
other squares in the bush. He also had great respect for flava beans as he
thought they were the source of life itself. One day he was chased by his
enemies and he came across a field of beans. He stopped and refused to go
through it and was killed by his enemies. It's true, I tell you. Check it out for yourself.

Archimedes was another mathematician of sorts. He was having
a bath one day and the water in his bath overflowed. He ran in the street naked
shouting “Eureka” and was arrested
for indecent exposure. That's true too. Who are you going to believe? Me or what you have been taught at school?

One day I was traveling on a train with my college professor
of mathematics. The train was going fast and we passed a field full of sheep.
He remarked: “Look over there, 134 sheep!”

I was impressed and asked him how he counted them so quick
with the train traveling so fast. He replied: “Easy … I counted their legs and
divided by four!”

A bit later we passed another field full of sheep and I
tried the same trick. I counted the legs and divided by four; but I had a
remainder of three. Which means there was either one sheep with three legs, or
three sheep with one leg each!

The Ancient Romans, unlike the Greeks, used letters instead
of numbers. The letter I meant one, II meant two, III meant three … they then
got tired and tried something different. IV was four, V was five, X was ten …
and they also had L, C and M as numbers.

All this suddenly stopped when the Emperor Claudius received
a text saying – I LV CLAVDIVS – and he didn’t know whether it was an amorous
message from his girl-friend or his wife’s new telephone number.

Einstein too was a great mathematician who devised
Einstein’s Theory of Relativity without the use of a calculator. According to
him, the richer you are the more relatives will attend your funeral.

Also, according to Einstein, if a tree falls in the forest
and there is no one there to see it then it will remain upright.

He was once asked, is it true that sound does not travel in
a vacuum, and if a man shouts in a vacuum then his screams will not be heard?

He replied: “It depends whether the vacuum is switched on at
the time and how much dust is in the dust bag.”

Which all reminds me of the skunk running through the forest
as the wind suddenly turns direction. He stops and says: “AAHH … it all comes
back to me now!”

Music

RICHARD THE LION LIVER

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