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Praise for Confessions of a Gambler

“A highly entertaining read.” MUFF ANDERSON, True Love

“Confessions of a Gambler is a candid, raw and engaging story . . .” LAURA MELVILLE, The Witness “Abeeda’s stubborn optimism and colourful intelligence linger on long after the last page has been turned . . .” PENNY DOMMISSE, Cape Librarian “Jacobs’s descriptions of the frenetic, unreal world of the casino, where time has no relevance, is spot-on . . . The description of Abeeda’s gay son and his fight against Aids is particularly poignant.” SUSAN STEAD, The Herald “This is the story of a Muslim woman’s redemption from sin and shame. Jacobs boldly pushes the boundaries of muted self-criticism and compels us to confront our attitudes with rare honesty.” MAHMOOD SANGLAY, Muslim Views

“Abeeda is a great character – pious in her head scarves, but with a strong streak of earthy humour, daring and independence . . . the casino scenes evoke the hypnotic intensity of compulsive gambling better than anything else I’ve read.” HENRIETTA ROSE-INNES,
author of Shark’s Egg and The Rock Alphabet

R AY D A J A C O B S

CONFESSIONS
OF A

GAMBLER

KWE L A B O O K S

O T H E R B O O K S B Y R AY D A J A C O B S :

The Mecca Diaries* Postcards from South Africa* Sachs Street The Slave Book Eyes of the Sky The Middle Children** My Father’s Orchid*** * published by Double Storey ** published by Sumach Press in Toronto, Canada *** published by Umuzi

and Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ Women Who Run With The Wolves. from which I have quoted generously.I would like to acknowledge Deepak Chopra’s How To Know God.
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They all have good jobs. she was dik. understands me the best and he is my favourite. Ever since. Why her mother had given her such a name. fast till you drop. I wear two scarves. One gives more than the others. Raatie taatie. ’n visgraatie. Right in our Book God tells us that heaven lies under the sole of a mother’s foot. but then the one who gives the least. She just can’t admit it. and he went with her. He had already written me a note. and a medorah. I’m one of those robed women who appear to be going nowhere. One of the very good things about my religion is that mothers don’t have to do the guilt thing so many Jewish mothers are accused of. you can be assured of what awaits you. had just come and told me the latest cruelty. It could have been at school when my Christian friend. It was January 2002. My friend Garaatie. Garaatie looked exactly like what her name conjured up. I don’t lack for anything. The youngest one protected me from the twins in the middle.T
he first thing I have to confess is that I’m a Muslim woman. When you pass me on the street. they called her. I will come to the names of my sons. I don’t know if it’s true. An under scarf. you won’t even glance my way. People grow into their names. I don’t know. I’ve raised all my sons with the Word of God. But then Merle let him look down the front of her blouse. but if you disrespect your mother. a mother can have a favourite. With twins you have to be prepared for double of everything. You can pray a hole in the ground. except she was no fish bone. a phone number
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. My sons know this. I just want to tell you how it all began. My four sons provide. This is what the counselor says. asking if I wanted to go to a matinée. Garaatie had found in her husband’s pocket. Merle. who has a bastard of a husband. Despite what the experts tell you. and I liked the same boy. The second thing I have to confess is that I like risk. but not without the Qur’an. I don’t know where it started. I don’t even know if it’s the money. But I have good sons. I’m forty-nine. Anyway. I’ve been trying to get back the things that I’ve lost. They grew up without a father. Now. The eldest one discovered my secret.

Mummy. next to it. lived five streets away. She was shocked when she got there to see a girl in her twenties. “I can have four wives. Garaatie sometimes surprised me with her creativity – pretending that she was from the municipality. She didn’t brush her teeth. Moena.” he shouted. I could imagine the marks on the girl’s face.” the girl said. But don’t break down in front of him. Father and son sat in the kitchen a long time talking. That night when Mahmood got home. Garaatie then made a serious mistake. Garaatie’s eldest son. Spit in his tea. he told her the bad news.” Garaatie was like someone possessed by the devil. and maybe it’s time to do it. and drove to Woodstock. She ordered Moena inside. “speak to your husband. It was as if the girl had seen her before. When the son came to seek out his mother in the bedroom. She called him on the telephone. “Daddy has a right. She only got up to pee. Garaatie is a big woman. She got into her blue Volksie. “Are you Moena?” Garaatie asked. Garaatie felt she had made a terrible mistake.” For two days Garaatie lay in bed. Do you think you’re a prophet?” “Don’t talk nonsense to me.” Garaatie shouted. Call a friend. but there it is. Sulaiman. So when he asked the question. She looked at the two of them. she didn’t wash. If there’s one thing you can’t let a man see. Cry in the toilet. She was about to turn around and leave. and smacked her. she had called the number and got the address. “Do you know what God says about marrying more than one woman?” she asked. he asked Garaatie straight out why she’d gone to the girl’s house. She quoted God. The mother came running out when she heard screams. Garaatie ran from the room crying. It dawned on her why Garaatie was there.
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. “Look. or cook. he knuckled her against the head. “If you can’t be fair. He just cheated right in your face. I’ve not wanted to marry another woman before. and Garaatie didn’t answer. He wasn’t even one of those husbands who took a second or third wife for the wrong reasons. I’m not happy about it. or clean herself. Right there on the threshold she grabbed the girl by the neck. but now I’ve found someone who meets all my needs. He came over. you must only have one. it’s this.” Instead of throwing a suitcase at him. but the girl’s expression stopped her. “Tell her to stay away from my husband.with the name. something she was fond of doing.

I went with Shariefa. don’t you?” I didn’t know. She always claimed she was busy. “Shariefa’s okay. The word fun wasn’t in her vocabulary. I didn’t read newspapers. but I’m no Malay. But it takes your mind off things. not understanding.On the third day she came to see me. What she was busy with was searching through her husband’s pockets for evidence. the dinh. The Malays were never going to be easy about their daughters marrying Indians. My forefathers might’ve come from the islands around the Indian Ocean. I read books. That was her life. It wasn’t because Mahmood was Indian that I didn’t like him for Garaatie. and tell her not to tell anyone about it. which I lost.” The word fun coming out of Garaatie’s mouth was another surprise. All she said. She didn’t know how to treat herself to an hour of pleasure. It was that old Indian-Malay thing that’d been going on for years. Did you gamble?” “Only fifty rand. Let me just say this.” she said. The government did a terrible thing in the nineteen forties when it made meat of the Malays. And that’s how
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. “We don’t have to stay long. “Why don’t we go to the casino?” I looked at her. and the Indians were always going to think they were better than the Malays.” “Shariefa’s disappointment had everything to do with her big mouth. as if I should’ve known all about it. “Yes. “You know we now have a casino in Cape Town. and her husband. If you wanted bad news to reach Port Elizabeth faster than bad air. The term Malay is of course another carbuncle. “Let’s just go. was. I had never been to the races or bought a raffle or lottery ticket in my life. I knew nothing of what had happened.” “Have you been there before?” I asked. How many times I’d invited her to come out with Nabeweya and me on our Sunday morning walks at Muizenberg beach. and fish of the Indians. sensing my skepticism.” she said. I wouldn’t know about a casino unless it was right across the street or people I knew spoke about it. “She’s had a disappointment. but that’s a story on its own. Garaatie was old school and tartiep. you just had to tell Shariefa. And it’s a lot of fun.” she repeated. It was community work. or to my Tuesday night movies with Rhoda.” “Really?” Shariefa was the biggest fitnah. “The casino.

The parking lot was as big as a golf course. I was on a
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. “God. Like the one Garaatie told me about when all the sisters-in-law had to make a dish and a dessert when the fifty relatives got together for a family lunch on Eid. Even women with scarves on. I was surprised by the size of the building and by the size of land it occupied. according to custom.” “I know. I hesitantly did the same and the worst thing that can happen to anyone who goes to a casino for the first time happened to me. We arrived at the grand entrance. and I went for the frosty white sevens. I never told her again.” I had been completely unaware of this side of Garaatie. I watched Garaatie insert a fifty-rand note into the machine and start to play.it’s been since. there’re Muslim people in here. So. I only took fifty rand. and her prawn curry stood untouched. and the tour bus came upon this enclave of shops – hundreds of them under one roof – and we told the driver not to wait for us. she watched with disappointment as they passed around the chicken breyani and sosaatie. like me. and a few men with fezzes. but we’re not going to gamble. It was like the time Rhoda and I went to Istanbul. To protect myself from all the fun I was going to have. off I went to the casino with Garaatie. Garaatie and I walked around for a bit. Garaatie. I had money stashed away in a savings account at the Perm. She’d given me such a mouthful. but definitely wasn’t going to touch it. The security we had to pass through surprised me. Not a big one. We found two machines. When it finally came to the women’s turn. I was mesmerised. First the men ate and. the women had to wait on them. People looked like they were on holiday in slacks and shorts and colourful shirts. but the moment we stepped through the great big glass doors into a marble foyer.” “Okay. but not next to each other. She made prawn curry and tiramisu from a recipe she’d tried out three times before on her own family.” she said. but occasionally you’ll hear a story. They were in the same row. Stepping into the casino was like that. the hum and the atmosphere. “We’re just going to have a little fun. There’s a rift. I was amazed by the number of people milling about. Garaatie chose the one with the wonder bars. I felt for Garaatie and had told her once to leave the marriage if she were so unhappy. I was completely swept up by the lights.

Can you believe it? I was on that machine for half an hour and nothing happened. I pumped four hundred rand into that machine.” Everything happened at once.” someone else said. leaving me with three children and one in the belly. She’d said she was only going to play fifty. “I came with fifty. and saw three white sevens lock into place. “She came with a fifty.machine I’d picked simply for its looks and knew nothing about how it worked or what you could win. went to call the neighbour. Reza. Garaatie’s crooked smile. “Oh my word.” she said. Zane. anything. Turning to the man next to her.” Zane took it hard. He was a broody kind of boy. to brighten up my life after finding myself alone in my ninth month. The four-yearold twins. I don’t know. zing. You won with my money.” “I’ll take a cheque. I cried till my head hurt. serious. His name’s Reza.” I answered. but had stuck in another fifty. And Mummy’s got to get a job now. and I needed something. Why. or a cheque. I’d read somewhere that the Shah of Persia had a son. you are lucky. the woman said. I was down to twelve rand when suddenly I heard – zing.” I said to the attendant. When my husband left. They thought it was some kind of game. ran off to their room. “You still have a father. I was so distraught that my eldest boy. “It’s a large sum. Mrs Petersen sat with me on the edge of the bed and appealed to Jesus to take away my pain. only seven years old at the time. The lights went on. The next day I couldn’t look the woman in the eye. the bell rang. lady. I’d figure out why I have such a soft spot for my youngest son. “Four thousand!” “Beeda!” Garaatie got up from her seat to come and see. If I could figure that out.” “It’s always the people with twenty rand who win. I looked at Garaatie. people started gathering about me. Garaatie had lost her money. I noticed something else. Munier and Marwaan. He’s just not going to live here any more.
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. “You can’t use it to buy food. It sounded princely. “How much did you start with?” a woman asked. I lined up my three sons at the supper table and told them. zing! – in rapid succession. “She won the jackpot!” someone behind me exclaimed. A girl with a striped uniform appeared and asked whether I wanted the four thousand rand on my card. I gave him a bit of a fancy name. I knew I’d have to give Garaatie some.

” “Thanks. Garaatie phoned him. But Garaatie has a good heart. she loaned me two thousand rand – a big sum for a woman who had to account for every cent she spent. but managed to utter that he did have intentions. she blurted out all kinds of things. Three visits. The boy said something about a long engagement. the first time he said a few nice words and drukked her vas. Right there in the workshop in front of everyone. Which brings me to my friendship with her. “You didn’t have to. The following Friday he didn’t show up. But I won’t speak about Reza now.” I added. I’m putting the rest in the bank. “We both have two-fifty. Fathers did this. I wouldn’t have had this if it weren’t for you. it was that no matter what cruelty she revealed about her husband. Shortly after that incident she met Mahmood at a family braai. It’s like she looked in the mirror and wondered how she’d even landed a man.” “And Mahmood doesn’t have to know about this. I have to be in a certain mood to speak about him. “I hope God’s not listening. No shame. and they told the boy there was no sitting the seats warm if he had no intentions. “You can play some more. Mahmood had to clean up his mess. He was never there. Garaatie’s not a bad person.” I said. She knows her rights. and was getting married the following year. but doesn’t exercise them.” “O. Reza’s was with the Almighty.” she smiled. The twins. It finally came out that he had a girlfriend. Garaatie fell pregnant. Garaatie had a boy coming to visit her on Friday nights. where he worked as a carpenter. The mood I get into is
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. No dignity at all. She’s just weak when it comes to men. Bringing you to a casino. Once. frequently got into trouble. The boy hakked and takked. That’s not good. Garaatie begged him to give her another chance. When? the father wanted to know. When she was eighteen. Those were the days of smooching on the back seat of the car at Rhodes Memorial or Signal Hill. The twins’ trouble had been with the law. One day her father asked the boy outright what his intentions were.Garaatie and I took the cheque to the cashier. And there was no sob story to tell her mother or father after that. Garaatie went to his job in Paarden Eiland. I gave her two hundred and fifty rand.” “You brought me here. She left messages with his sister. For if there was one thing about Garaatie that I didn’t like.” Garaatie said. Garaatie had helped me out with lawyers’ fees. from about the time they started matric. Allah. Reza wasn’t the only one to have given me headaches. I’ll tell you how.

My father taught me from an early age to read. Finally the news broke that Sadick had got a girl pregnant and was getting married. Still. the other from the time she married and came to live next door to my mother. But I’ve become one of those understanding mothers you see on television who read up on things. One plays the victim. I become weepy. but have a Master’s degree in real life. But first about my two friends. not a very strong man. Cut a bit here. it’s aggravating. I can’t tell you what’s the world’s tallest building. The sin I will come to. or how many presidents the United States have had. I know why she’s like this. She’s frustrated. She’s about the same age as Garaatie. My friendships with these women are long-standing. The truth is. I blame God. Rhoda is my other good friend. on the other hand. This is Rhoda’s marriage. Two months later. And the way Rhoda sometimes bullies him is embarrassing. keep the blink kant bo. she says.”
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. but I can meet someone for the first time and know right away what I’m dealing with. It hurts your foot. Her real love had been a boy called Sadick. the other does the victimising. I don’t really understand. I only went as far as standard eight. or longest river. Shafiq. younger than me.” And when I’m with Rhoda. Matric. there’s a jockeying for position to be the number one friend. and so it went on for years. “I don’t know why Garaatie doesn’t kick that Indian out on his arse. but you don’t want to stop to take it out. When I’m alone with Garaatie. Rudwaan. Rhoda says. He had a whole string of girls fighting over him. Not like the children of today who have to go to university and beyond before they can even think of looking for a job. You keep walking. It’s that pebblein-the-shoe thing. Rhoda would write him off. and see psychologists. as a result of his fancy education. The problem was that Sadick was a motorbike hunk. But she won’t make changes. One I know from high school. There are times when I can handle it. She had an education. and times when I can’t. then take him back. Then there’s Rhoda’s husband. Rhoda’s own son. and the only one of the three who’d made it to Matric. on a two-year contract. and girls liked motorbikes. Rhoda. when she was nineteen. “That Rhoda really doesn’t know how to treat a man. is in Australia now. paste a bit there. had a job as a teller before she married Rudwaan. I’m a woman of secrets and great sin.a strange one. forty-five. Some of the secrets will go with me to my grave. she would remind us. Rhoda married the nice boy at the bank where she worked.

” Garaatie said. She wasn’t going to have daughters with four missing front teeth. we discuss our lives. I don’t tell them everything. Me too. She has two little gold slits stuck in between them. Once she gets hooked on something. she hangs on. Toeghieda. buying into a resort in the Eastern Cape. and he had no teeth in his mouth. She had a nice stash to play with. Teeth is a big thing in the Cape. And she hates sex. “You should get an MVG card. Even my eldest sister. What Toeghieda’s husband allowed was his business. We had both wanted to be like Toeghieda when she came to visit the first year of her marriage with a gap in her mouth. my youngest sister. Both Garaatie and I filled out forms. I asked Rhoda what the deal was with the no teeth. Now that. We attend functions. or some silly thing that men like women to do for them. “I think we should try the spinning wheels next.” the attendant had said when I’d collected my cash. In front of me. and they lost money. she asks him if his hand’s been in an accident. What happened next wasn’t a nice thing. a big man like that. My mother said no. She’s like a piranha. She told me that Rudwaan only wore his dentures during the week. Almost everyone my age has removable teeth. I came there one Saturday afternoon. Once she actually got him to join a time-sharing thing. Today I’m glad I didn’t do it. And if she doesn’t want to cook. The poor man has to fight to get his hand between her legs. I was a first-comer. Who wants to go there? You want to go to Thailand or Jerusalem or the Holy Land. I hardly ever mention my youngest son. I tell you. but Rhoda can go too far. Poor
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. I followed Garaatie to the wheel-of-fortune machines. she calls him. I feel sorry for Rudwaan. There’s no way – then and now – I would stick my tongue into anyone’s mouth where there was food trapped under plastic. But that’s Rhoda. On weekends he liked to give his gums a rest. he’s not a bad guy. This is from her own lips. Rudwaan goes along with all her schemes. and not me. she had a new confidence. Waanie. I agree with Rhoda about not taking scraps from a man. would be enough to keep me on my side of the bed. I know why she married Rudwaan. But I enjoy my friends. He’s good natured.And so it goes. and easy on the eye. It was unbelievable. we go to movies. but was walking about the place like I owned something. He just has one quirk. We stuck our red cards into the machines. I noticed a change in Garaatie’s mood. People who don’t take holidays. But not Zulpha. or iron his shirt. Still.

It was four thousand. He said that the injunction was clear that we had to protect our au’rah.” The way she said it made me feel bad. I’d always wanted to go to India. I was just about to dip into my bag for another hundred to give to her. for I lay in bed the whole night thinking of how the three frosty white sevens jumped into place. you’re up three hundred. “You not only won the jackpot. and his wife Rabia. I thought of my late friend. when she just slumped down in her seat. she looked at me. Rabia asked him about the scarf. then advised me not to go to the casino again. She said the Qur’an said you had to cover your bosoms. You got back the money you gave to me. or a new oven. But I must’ve been more happy than sad. The machine she picked swallowed her money in minutes. and then responding in the gentlest manner. And why hadn’t God told the Christians and the Jews to also wear scarves? It was clever what she said. Maybe buy a vacuum cleaner. It was hard to feel happy and sad at the same time. and our hair was part of our au’rah. and would’ve been the first person I would’ve consulted. were also there. It made sense in those days. and the whole rotten story of the note in the pocket and the smack in the face came out. And it was dirty money. I would have to keep it in a separate account.” she said. It just wasn’t her night. I remember when he was at my house years ago and my son Zane. That was my first night at the casino. It wasn’t two or three hundred rand that I could pay an account with and think no more about. and a whole lot of rands. “You’re lucky. Abdul had been my sounding board for issues I needed clarified from the Qur’an. I listened like I usually did. It was the end of my playing. But there was a problem with this money. Before drifting off to sleep. I left there with a very depressed friend. to cover your head in the desert – you would boil your brains if you didn’t. But we didn’t
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. Abdul. But we didn’t live in Makkah or Madina. Abdul would’ve told me what to do with the money. It didn’t say that the scarf had to be on your head. and how I was going to spend my money. she said. and dress modestly. while mine gave me three hundred and fifty rand. One thing I couldn’t do was buy food with it. We lived in South Africa. He had a way of listening. Or take a trip.Garaatie. When Garaatie’s money was all gone. I hadn’t always worn a scarf myself. Abdul listened respectfully. I didn’t give any advice. We ended up in the back of the fish restaurant drinking coffee while Garaatie told me over and over again what a bastard she was married to. A lot of money.

I want to know. there’s a movement towards covering up. robes to visit friends. Some women. Is it to keep the neck warm? Anyway. What is it doing in the neck. God understood that we lived in a Western society. robes to go shopping. take this Western thing too far and you see them with big scarves on their heads and in tight clothing. Robes in the house. The neck scarf is the thing with the young generation. Wearing a robe is a blessing for some women. of course. The pressure’s off for those few extra pounds that show so easily in a dress or a skirt. but it’s become fashionable now to wear robes. Or you see the scarf in the neck.have to be wrapped up like a mummy.
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. I don’t know if it’s since the new government and people feel more comfortable. And the scarf’s a great protection. No one looks at me on the street.

I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t thought of it myself. I was surprised to get a call from Garaatie.” “I have to go to the bank. vowing to give herself over to God.” “She didn’t tell you about Gafsa’s break-up with Muhaimin?” I knew all about Rhoda’s daughter’s difficulties. I’d driven in that car. I forgot. Have you had breakfast already?” Garaatie surprised me.
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. Usually when I saw Garaatie.” We never stopped at the bank.” “We’ll stop there on the way. I didn’t see her again for a week or so. when it rang again. “But we were there just last night. It was well kept.” I had just spoken to Rhoda about my winnings. “I was supposed to go with her to the Waterfront yesterday. “What time?” “I’ll pick you up in thirty minutes. “What did she want?” Garaatie asked. I was going to put it in a fixed deposit for six months and use it with my savings. Now she wanted to go back to the machines.” “So what? Who’s going to know? We can have breakfast there. and decided what to do with my money. “I have two hours free this morning. had low mileage. My big mistake getting into the car was telling her that Rhoda had called. but never discussed one friend’s secrets with the other. I feel lucky. “Do you want to go to the casino?” Garaatie asked. When Rhoda suggested it. I was therefore surprised when the first words out of her mouth were. and was a real beauty. together with the money I would get from the sale of my red Toyota. so early in the morning. I thought she was going to tell me some new tragedy. But I had just hung up the telephone from speaking to Rhoda. I want to make a deposit.T
he morning after I’d been to the casino. When I heard her voice. and get the maroon Mercedes I’d always wanted to buy from Ali Gamieldien. The night before she had sat in a pool of snot and tears.

” “Muhaimin went home to his mother. I wasn’t. you know some things are off limits. The last time Mahmood got into trouble over a condom she found in his pocket. from a friend of mine. he got a helluva houter. I’d never even heard that word until she told us what it meant. Sometimes I think she has a secret desire to be beaten. “Damn. I didn’t ask. That’s how he gets back at her. He’s never done it. I’ll go tomorrow. You know how young people are. If I win. And then there’s that thing that happens when Mahmood gets angry.” Garaatie pouted all the way down Klipfontein Road.” “It’s all right. One had to be in the right mood for a Garaatie-Mahmood episode.” “You took the shop’s money?” I was surprised by both the amount she had taken and the deed. Garaatie was like a meek little lamb. He just went away for five days to Sun City. “Let him count his riches and see it’s missing. We looked at her differently after that graphic bit of information. We turned left on Vanguard Drive.” she said. It’s a cheque anyway. When he came back. They fall
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.” Garaatie got like this after a punch in the gut.” “And the extra three-fifty?” “I left two hundred at home. “If I lose.” “How do you know?” I knew.” She changed from fourth gear to third to slow down. “So you’re only coming with a hundred and fifty? That’s wise. The silent strike. They’re working out things. “In the mosque. Come on. I might put it back. I know women my age. but wanted to know how she had come to hear of it. I won’t spend it. I don’t understand it.” “And you? How much are you planning to spend?” We were slowing down for another red light.” “I don’t tell Rhoda about your private affairs either. “I took five hundred from the safe. We’d never thought of her as a sexual animal. I was also curious to know what had transpired since Mahmood’s declaration to take another wife. “I forgot to stop at the bank for you. she cut the legs off his new trousers. She’d told Rhoda and me about it once. The cobra would skiet and skop and afterwards Garaatie was all contented again. but I think she wants it. Mahmood made no big stink about it.” She smiled.“It’s not really a break-up. Garaatie almost kicked her foot into the clutch.” she said. “I’m surprised you never told me. When Mahmood got angry. he counts even less tomorrow night.

“I want to go back to the same machine where I won. Attendants walked up and down with wires dangling from their ears. This became a pattern with me. By the time the attendant had written out my cheque. We each started with fifty rand.” I said to Garaatie. I started to play on Garaatie’s machine.” How the heck would I know what I’d won? But I was immensely relieved that I had won something and that I could continue to play. Garaatie was down to twenty rand. This time there was no mistaking what I saw. “And I just got up from that machine! How much did you win?” “I don’t know. “Okay.into two categories. There were no windows. drawing the smoke deeply into my lungs. Garaatie still had three hundred and fifty rand. No night and day. we put in a hundred. After our fifties were gone. Waitresses were busy taking orders and serving drinks. The floor was already abuzz with early-morning activities.” I looked at Garaatie. but swopped seats. That morning the gods were still smiling. “Congratulations. but her hand stabbed at the button on the machine that she’d asked to play on. “You’ve won two thousand rand. I thought it a bit of a nerve. She came to sit next to me. I would know a machine was going to pay.” she said. Not even a ten rand coming my way. the machine spluttered suddenly.
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. In some spots it was so busy. Slowly but surely my money went down.” she said. and would tell people to play there. She smiled and said I was lucky. The grinning was a hard thing to watch on people’s faces when you won. I got a few ten and twenty rand combinations. We stepped into the casino at ten-thirty in the morning. One day blended into another. And she wasn’t on patches or anything. and I would stand there grinning. The attendant arrived. They would win the jackpot. I’d always had Garaatie in the dried-up category. just as I thought that my playing time was over. I had nothing left in my purse.” she said. “Let me play a little on your machine. I took out a cigarette and lit it. “Oh my God!” Garaatie exclaimed. no clocks. The ones who like sex and the ones who don’t. people had to wait to play on machines. On the last four rand. especially when they had no money left. and two break-the-bank symbols and a yellow five locked into place. But not that morning. Garaatie got nothing. But it was even harder when you were the one doing the grinning.

” “Why not? You won. “I have other things too I need to do. “No. Reza. Ramadan’s on our doorstep. “Let’s just go home. Then there were the telephone calls. Anyway. The morning had left me hungry and a little depressed. Garaatie. Let’s go and have something to eat. The second one was from my youngest son. I sat down for a few minutes. and neither did I.” she said. plus the one I’d just received. “Do you want to have coffee?” I asked. In two months we’re fasting. and whether I could come to the flat in Sea Point. but I couldn’t not attend the tea. We left without having anything to eat or drink.” she said. She knew I had a cheque for four thousand in my bag. I had given her money the day before. I feel like playing some more. reminding me that it was Rabia’s thirtieth birthday. It was from my eldest son.” I didn’t argue. We had been in the casino for less than an hour.“This machine gave me nothing.” I knew what that meant.” Garaatie didn’t know it at the time. After she had dropped me off at home. “You don’t have to stop at the bank for me. I decided never to come with her again.” Right there. then into the kitchen for a cup of tea before leaving to go to the bank. I saw by its flickering light that I had two messages. “I don’t think this casino thing is a good thing. It would hurt Zane.” I said.” “You’re not upset. Rabia wasn’t my favourite daughter-in-law. “I should’ve stayed where I was. I switched on the kettle and listened to the first one. and that they were expecting me for tea after eight. Perhaps we shouldn’t have come today. but her losing two days in a row had actually been a good thing. I’ll get my car. I quickly went to the toilet. and give Rabia more
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. It hadn’t been my idea to swop machines. The answering machine was on a small table next to the counter. are you?” she asked. asking if I was going to be home that evening. It’s my treat. I don’t want to come here again. The thing in the casino had disturbed me. “Are you finished playing?” “Aren’t you?” “No. Zane.” “I’m not hungry.

Then silently went back the way I had come. On the bed was my boy with another boy. a great heaviness came upon me. I suddenly needed to pee. Once Rhoda spoke to me in a very roundabout way about a man who could cure things. Shortly after Reza’s sixteenth birthday. Until today I don’t remember where I went. Moffies. He wouldn’t have been invited. like I’d been at work the whole day. But at night when I was alone. when I thought of my youngest son. But Reza wouldn’t be there. but not this.” I said. Zane had started work as a shop assistant in a departmental store and didn’t get home until seven. gave me a call. the last person to leave had to put the keys under a stone in the yard. The kettle boiled. I remember it. past two windows. “Beeda. And he also wanted to see me. “And you?”
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. And attending the tea was also an opportunity to see my twin sons and their wives and children. I said nothing for five years. They were funny and talented. and I laughed a lot in their company. I have this recurring image of that wintry afternoon long. But I didn’t go to the yard. I thought the twins had come home early. and I stopped. I liked them. I stood there. or my heart. long ago when Reza was eleven years old. As always. I didn’t recognise the voice. but I recognised what was happening. looking about as if I was in a strange place. I asked God to change him. to make him like his brothers. When that happened. But the laughter was different. I’d come to the gate and discovered I’d left the house that morning without the keys. but the man’s bottle of holy water didn’t do anything. my son Zane said about them once. how are you?” “I’m fine. naked as the day he was born. I had long conversations with God. But they were friendly boys. I went to see the man. I heard laughing. Before I came to the second one. his father. I watched the boys that came to the house in their Marilyn Monroe and Lana Turner hairdos and pretended they were all just his hairdressing friends. I shared many things with my two friends. We both pretended we didn’t know what she was referring to. as if it was yesterday.to talk about. but something told me to stand very still. I moved back from the window. and I’d come home early from work. and down the road. But I came home at six-thirty. I poured water over a rooibos teabag and waited for the colour to change. or into the house. I walked along the side of the house. The twins had gone to a soccer practice. I don’t know if it happened in my head first. out of the gate. Braima. I peeped through the window.

” “What do I know?” “You know. “There’s a word for it. Still. we’d spoken about school fees.” “What do I know?” he asked again. Sleek. Not girls. but this necessitated a face-to-face talk between him and me. I told him what I’d seen through the window when Reza was eleven years old. Javanese features. child support. “What’s wrong with him.” “Queer. and he showed up here with this friend in a green sports car. When he spoke again.” “We never spoke. As I sat there I wondered whether he still had any feelings for me. As I know. All his own teeth. The thing that still hurt was why he’d left me for another woman. I had some people over. He sank deeper into the chair as I spoke. I just wanted to talk to you about something. He’s always been – special. “I don’t know – well. I looked at the top of his head.” I didn’t say anything. They were acting strange like. He came to see me the same afternoon.” I didn’t help him.” It was the first time I’d said it out loud. I was glad that he’d called. his voice had changed. I – Reza came here the other day.” He lowered his head into his hands. “You never told me.” There was silence. “He likes boys. but never about the feelings and speculations around this son. We sat in the kitchen.“I can’t complain.” “Stop talking in riddles.” “Something serious?” I was surprised to get a call from him. The children were always the ones who talked to their father if there was anything they needed. In the years we’d been divorced. I made him tea. “You’ve just noticed now that he’s different?” “No. clothing. “Speak. I can’t even say it. much older than him. Beeda? He’s there with you every day. Good to look at. black hair pulled back with an elastic band.” I was supposed to know what he was trying to tell me. and a toasted sandwich with butter and thin slices of tomato.
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. I don’t know why I – anyway.” “You know. “Did I hear what you just said? You’re saying Reza’s – God. He leaned forward with his elbows on the table.” he said. And what was there to discuss? I didn’t want to believe it myself. “What do you mean?” I asked.

I felt sorry for him. A child of mine like that. There’s always a lot of laughing going on. but not Zane. He brings the girlfriend over on Saturday afternoons. But how can you hide something like this. I’ll never accept it.” “I won’t accept it.” he suggested. I don’t want the whole world to know my business.” I couldn’t believe it.” He looked at me. It’s not permissible. Beeda.” “Do his brothers know?” “How can they not? His friends come to the house. when he was fourteen. No one had ever said sorry to me. But I’ve been to see a psychologist. except that it’s wrong?” “Maybe there’s a ruling. I walked him to the gate. He was confronting his son’s truth for the first time. There’s no ruling any imam can make to make it all right. who let me take the blame for her when we were children and she stole
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. A Jewish man.” “Maybe we should talk to an imam. “What did he say?” “You can’t take a pill and fix it. When I go and see him I can talk about how I feel. Not Toeghieda. I’d lived with it since that afternoon when I’d looked through the window. They make salads and food in the kitchen.” “There’s no ruling.“What did we do to deserve this?” he asked. and how can you change it?” He lowered his head. “It’s no one’s fault.” “When was this?” “About two years ago. Munier and Marwaan are okay with it. They sit in the lounge and play records.” He finished his tea and got up. He sighed heavily. And what can an imam tell us. I can’t tell you what that meant. He’d never said that before. He was sorry. Never. There he stood for a moment before opening the door of his car. “You have to accept it. he doesn’t want her to know. At night they lay next to each other and talk. He’s not like his brothers. “I’m sorry that you had to carry this by yourself. And I’m sorry about us. “Imams have wives. Zane gets aggravated with them. Our people don’t talk about stuff like this. All he can do is help you accept it. He wasn’t someone who would ever have dreamed of going with his problems to a stranger and have that stranger ask him about his childhood and his relationship with his mother or father.

and now told her that he was in Cape Town only for a short holiday before taking a post in Canada. Toeghieda was eight years old. What she hoped for. Toeghieda. Rhoda and I went for coffee at Cavendish Square. Malika. and Zulpha became the new toy. I had been a lonely child. Shafiq. word games.
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. when you pulled the string in her back. and plaiting my hair. That was our little thing. Does he think this money we’re paying for his fees grows on trees? We didn’t let him take a loan. Not long after Braima’s visit to my house. for being her first born and her white child. But Rhoda had a plan. This is how he thanks us.” she said. Her nineteen-year-old son. “He’s changing right under my eyes. he doesn’t bring her to meet the family so that we can see what she’s all about. and learned from an early age how to occupy myself. was causing her a lot of concern. Rhoda arranged for her son to go on holiday to his aunt. bought things for my birthday that he thought I might like. but I wanted something that belonged only to me. He had long ago forgotten the girl whom his mother had worried about. And not my mother. Toeghieda had been friends with the children next door. This was a different problem all together. Then my father died. lived in Houston. And he did poorly this last semester. and never included me in their games. “He doesn’t come home on Friday nights. happened. a doll that said. for being her little lost Annie whom she wanted people to like. I didn’t know it then. When Zulpha came. I was always left standing by myself in doorways. who was the one who paid attention to me. and my mother gave me a hiding. was that Shafiq’s head would be turned by the girl and that he would step out of his faith. and asked if he could complete his studies there. mummy. books. He was in his second year at university and involved with a white girl. who always favoured her eldest and youngest daughters over me. Shafiq fell in love with America. and it was four years before Shafiq returned home. puzzles. and I was alone again. My father. Rhoda sent money for lawyers and visas. like tying my shoelaces in the mornings before I went to school. but not in quite the way she wanted it to. He also did other things for me. something that I could love. and Zulpha. though. Her eldest sister. we paid for it so he wouldn’t have debt when he graduated. telling me she would never trust me again.” The real fear. When I met Braima six months after I left high school. Rhoda and I both had teenage children.money out of my mother’s purse.

” I wished her when she opened the door. I had two lovely silk scarves I’d bought at the Waterfront earlier that year.” She disappeared down the passage and I sat there like a visitor in my own son’s home. Sawdah and Sadia. Munier and Marwaan married twins. “He’s got a conscience. Good health and prosperity.” she said. It’s easier to face God than to have the community know your business. “Happy thirtieth. “Just a small little something. I told Rhoda about Braima’s visit to my house. When I arrived at their house. They even lived on the same street. and hugging her. I chose the plum one with the gold design. it was a terrible thing. There was no asking me to join her in the kitchen. dressed it up with a silver bow. and stopped at the bookstore for a card.” she said. “It’s a bit late to say he’s sorry.” “Thank you. I was the only one who knew where Rhoda took her. At Munier or
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. Zaitoon. “I’ll get Zane. I wrapped the scarf in pink tissue wrapping. with three kids?” They were both right. The scarf would go well with her complexion and eyes. and thought it would be a good match for Rabia. A community never forgets. or letting me feel comfortable to roam about on my own.” she said. Not even Rudwaan knew about the woman with the syringe in Hope Street. “Sit down. He’s just busy with something in the yard. because today Zaitoon is married and can’t have children. Rabia was dark-skinned.Then there was Rhoda’s daughter. For our children we will do anything. And so mothers will do what they must and tread where fathers fear to go.” Garaatie had a different response when I told her. “May Allah give you many happy years Inscha Allah. That evening I went to Zane’s house for tea. “You shouldn’t have. who had got pregnant in high school the year before. In hindsight.” I handed her the gift. Rabia was still putting chocolate peanuts and dried fruit on the table. I had come early purposely so that I could leave at a reasonable time to go and see my youngest son.” She never called me mummy or ma like my other daughters-in-law. kissing her on the cheek. And he’s always supported his kids. Where was sorry when he left you pregnant. The four of them did everything together. God forgives. “He’s not a bad egg.

standing dik-bek next to the hi-fi. you didn’t make suggestions about couches or curtaining. for all the money she earns as an admin assistant. Sawdah told me of an incident at their house when she overheard Rabia telling him that all the things he did for the family must come to an end. and sometimes I visited there on a Saturday afternoon and we watched movies while the men watched cricket or rugby in the other room. She said the big present would come when the baby was born. Sawdah and Sadia and I often baked together for functions. and the mothers allowed the lights to be switched off for a blues. And she’s tight with the rand. You didn’t touch. There would be no savoury snacks
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. she’d brought a tube of cream for diaper rash. Not long after they got married. She invited the family once a year for tea when it was Zane’s birthday. We were still waiting for midnight. For Sawdah’s baby shower a few years ago. On the rare occasion when she does bring a dessert to a birthday or anniversary party. As I sat there waiting for him in his lounge. Rabia’s high tea was really a low-key milk tart affair. and we still bite into it. I looked at the eats on the table. It did. When he told me a few months later that he wanted to marry her. where there was music and dancing. and how special the event is. a get-together we called it in those days.Marwaan’s house it was totally different. One must always trust first impressions. a packet of Pampers with twelve diapers. said to Zane. and the comfort my son keeps her in. with a chocolate cake. Not here.” It was his party. and never asked my son. “I’ve had enough of this party. it would be a little tennis biscuit thing with caramel and a few chocolate sprinkles. I said all the right things a mother says to a son. It wasn’t even ten o’clock when Rabia. We see the thing for what it is. for the big speech and the presentation of the key. but was disappointed in his choice. peanuts and sweets. She knew about twenty-firsts. I want to go home. Zane had to leave his own party and take her to Salt River. I don’t know if this referred to me too. She wasn’t going to change the way we’d always done things. There were lots of girls. She asked you not to bring presents as she didn’t buy presents for anyone. We brought gifts anyway. She was supposed to be the girlfriend. and you didn’t come without being asked. He’d invited friends over for a little party. I had my first impression of Rabia when Zane brought her to the house on his twentyfirst birthday. Zane was a good-looking boy. She had no thought that she was hurting him. I don’t know why we ignore them.

“I’m going to be eight in five weeks. On weekends I’m allowed four. and so precious.” I drew a fat lot of smoke into my lungs. “Thank you. Rabia ate samoosas when she came to visit you. “Smoking will kill you. Thanks again.” “My. I got up and we hugged. Shaheed. coming in quietly. I’m allowed two hours a day.” “Five weeks. Sawdah and Sadia were the ones who would bring pizzas and quiches and fresh cream trifles and éclairs. but didn’t make them for her guests.” he gave me a serious look. I gave him a squeeze. I’ve cut out red meat and potatoes. Salaam alaikum. cropped short.” He was only too glad to be gone. “He mustn’t get everything he asks for. Granny.” I took out my cigarettes. kissing me. I’ve lost two kilos. still in its cellophane wrapping. I knew his mother had sent him in to come and greet me. “Did Daddy say you could use his computer?” “Yes. with gel to make it stand up. came into the room. Rabia had changed his look completely.
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.” Zane said. “Why don’t you go and try out your new game?” “Okay. “Did Granny bring me that computer game Granny said Granny was going to buy for me?” I hugged him again.” she smiled. “I promised him. Granny.” I said.” I said. “Not ’laikum. you’re spoiling him. I turned to my grandson. Chocolate and cigarettes.” “Thank God. Granny.” Zane said. “Mummy looks well.” “What about chocolate?” Rabia asked. Granny.” he said. “You look nice.” I reached for my bag. He had on a green shirt and beige pants with suede boots.” “I’m not little. He was the first grandchild. Rabia brought me an ashtray. Let her tell me now to go and stand outside. He stood close. It suited him. or he’ll think it’s his due. Rabia brought in a tray and offered me a drink. “Thanks!” “Mummy. watching me take out the disk.” I said.” He looked at me with his big eyes. and said. that’s a lot of time to play games for a little boy like you.or samoosas. Zane quit smoking.” “Salaam alaikum. “I knew we’d need one today. “’laikum. and a big kiss. Granny. My seven-year-old grandson. Oh my. “Granny! Thanks Granny!” he hugged me. “That’s never going to go. Even the hair. I thought.

I sat in front of these two women with big scarves on their heads. it’s only cigarettes. He helped with the washing of the school clothes and the cleaning of the house. I turned around and pointed to the no smoking sign in the bus.” “Not at all. smoking like they were at an open-air carnival. “When you tell a smoker that.” “I suppose we can call it that. he says he has to die of something. He was my firstborn.” “I saw him last week. I admit. On Saturday afternoons.’ one of them said. “Listen. when his friends were out playing in the park. ‘Zuma moet huise bou vir die mense. He’s cheeky about it. and I had to take a bus to Mowbray. he’d said she was a cunt. but there it was. “I came early because I have to leave early. “He’s also your son. How can it be? It’s not dagga.” I said. Rabia doesn’t know it. Hulle moet die katiene toemaak. He needn’t have worried. I got him a bike and he sold packets of masala for me. When his father left. but on the first of every month. You know him. Zane was seven years old. He has some kind of flu. My car was at the service centre the other day. He wasn’t welcome because he was gay. the one I’d waited for with a new mother’s wonder and expectation.” I looked at him. and had to forgo many things in order to help out.
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. They’d had an argument once and he’d called her a naai.” I wanted to ask then why he hadn’t been invited to the birthday party. And you can’t tell a Muslim he’s a drug addict. We had to accept the reason for the ban although we all knew that it was much more than that.” Rabia said.She gave one of those disdainful smiles. I’m leaving around eight. I hope you’re not going to mind. ‘Dis my liggaam. Reza wants me to come over and see him. An ugly word. Zane gives me six hundred rand. he had to help with the frying of koeksisters. I wasn’t going to let anything ruin his day. and on Sunday mornings had to deliver them to the neighbours. But I could tell from Zane’s expression that he was worried the conversation was going to turn ugly. He looked right back at me without wavering. “I heard from Munier that he wasn’t well. Ek het nog nooit gehoor van ’n man wat ’n accident gemaak het met ’n cigarette in sy hand nie.’” I laughed. But first children also got hit the hardest. He hardly eats. But I knew why. It was funny. Today he’s a successful businessman and has two shops. All the little bits helped. “When last did Mummy see him?” Zane asked.

The one who wears his own pants. how are you?” “I’m fine. He kissed and hugged me. “I was just saying. Speeding along the N1. “I can say something to you now. But I didn’t drive to the flat in Sea Point. I don’t know how much money I had with me that night. thank you.” Rabia said. Some people can’t bear to . Was he invited to this party? Do you have contact with him? You’re the last person I want to hear say anything about him. Patrick opened the door. I don’t want to hear from you that my son has Aids. I stopped. Well. “Listen. I arrived at the flat and rang the doorbell.” I picked up my purse and started to walk to the door.” “You’re not spoiling my birthday. or how much I smoked. and walked me into the flat.” “I don’t wear his pants for him. I walked over to the mantelpiece to rearrange my scarf. . They said he has Aids. “I think it’s important to talk about these things.” “No. “Mummy’s late. but I know I lost. I made a detour. I felt angry and disturbed. “I’m fine. “I don’t like you. I’m not that fine. I wondered what it would be like to jump the hill and drop into the oncoming lane. I had to do something or I was going to hit her. I’m never going to like you. and the day will end badly. Munier and Marwaan also saw him last week.” I said. but what’s the use of complaining?” Reza appeared behind him. Patrick. .” I brought my face closer to hers. We all get the flu. It was ten o’clock before I left. in his pyjamas already. How dare that bitch tell me that my son had Aids? I went to the casino. you listen to me. turning slowly to face her. How’s Mrs A?” He always called me Mrs A.”
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. “To my other son. Are you satisfied now?” I got into my car and drove away. Rabia. I got into my car and drove without stopping. Let’s not spoil Rabia’s birthday with all this talk of sickness.” I got up. not even noticing Munier’s jeep as he passed me on the street. “Where’s Mummy going?” Zane asked. I came back to where she was sitting. Next week he’ll be all right again. “Hello. “Listen.“So he’s ill. Do you understand?” She blushed.” Rabia retorted. I don’t want to hear anything from you. Patrick was the friend.

He was dreadfully thin.“I know.” “You’ve never embarrassed me. “Are you all right?” Suddenly I knew in my heart that what Rabia had said was the truth. His mouth smiled. Can I say how I feel?” “Tell me. There was no other explanation for his gauntlike appearance.” “I didn’t want you to hear from anyone else that I’m ill. From small I knew I wasn’t like my brothers.” “Thank you. and put his right arm round my shoulder. I sensed that he had asked me there to tell me something.” “But I also know that I’ve done wrong. but his eyes were large and birdlike.” The words chilled me. with dark circles under his eyes. I looked at my son. I’m sorry I never told you before.” He sat down next to me on the couch. came to our school. “Everything changed after that. “with some chocolate raisins mixed in between.” Patrick disappeared into the kitchen to make tea.” He paused. He closed his eyes. just how you like them. He turned to look at me. Mr Hartzenberg took us to Kirstenbosch. And I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it – not until other children made fun of me.”
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.” He smiled. I became aware of the traffic sounds through the window.” I didn’t trust myself to say too much. I couldn’t speak. a few boys got to go with him to Boulders Beach. “I brought you some chocolate peanuts. Mummy?” “Yes. I had other commitments. You’re a good person. I thought it was time that we talked. “I know God loves me. I liked cooking classes and sewing. He was thin. Then when I was about nine or ten. and after a while started to talk. Mummy. Mr Hartzenberg. this new teacher. I liked to play with Hafsa and Koelie next door. and I’m sorry if I’ve embarrassed you. Remember them? I wasn’t interested in running after a ball with my brothers.” I said. Why had I seen it and not seen it? “I have Aids. for fear I would burst out crying. the tinkling of crockery in the kitchen where Patrick was making tea. and when the term ended in November. He had said it. And confirmed my fears. and always thought I was going to be a dress designer. “Did you hear what I said. Don’t ever think that.” “Of course God loves you. “I’ve never been able to talk about this.

“It was the worst time of my life. But every day was the same. one that suddenly popped into my head. and couldn’t drag anyone else into it. “Did Mummy know I was gay?” “Yes. Even the boys who were like me. My feelings never changed. And I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.
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.I felt a spasm in my chest. Things like this don’t stay a secret. the Knower of Everything. I know I’ll get worse.” And there it was. but at the same time as I thought that. Mummy. what chance had he had? This was my grey area. was that I took out a life insurance policy two years ago. We can talk about genes and genetics. or to help me die?” It was the only indication he ever gave of his anger. the Planner. I had another question. I didn’t want to believe that I was sick. I knew I had done a terrible thing. I was dizzy when I came up. I prayed. but I’ve lived with Aids for some time. I was born with them. “Would you like to come home?” He didn’t answer. The family. The thing I’d battled with during my visits to the psychologist. My head would be down on the muslah so long.” My hand dropped from around his shoulder.” I didn’t want to go into how and when I knew. But he was a believer. I’m only telling Mummy now.” “A policy? What for? Nothing’s going to happen. He hadn’t chosen it. My anger. All nicely wrapped up and handed to me. God had created him. but it all came down to God. “I know this is hard for Mummy. Mummy’s friends. But I accept it now. Every day I would wake up and think this is the day it’s all going to be different. until just recently. If God was the Creator.” He turned his head to look into my eyes. You and Patrick are the beneficiaries. “We have to talk about these things. God gave me these feelings. I had sat with them enough times watching their films to know what their money was spent on. or some long dead uncle who liked boys. One other thing I wanted to tell you. It’s not a lot. That was when I started to talk to God. I also knew I couldn’t stop.” He paused. “Prayer is the only thing that can help you. He never would’ve rallied back and forth with God the way I had. They had their own demons to deal with. I pleaded with God.” I was surprised that he had done something like this. or my feelings about it. “To help me live. Money had always been scarce. “I never even told the twins. “How long?” “Almost a year. Twenty thousand.” I said.

ordered a large Coke with slices of lemon. I did think about it once. I had blustered in. I sat staring at the machine. Patrick had told me things when he walked me out to my car. we loved them more than words could express. But we felt them. I listened and said goodbye and drove straight to the casino. “Really?” “There’re three rooms. Sleep wouldn’t come.” His words touched me. The casino was packed. I had no money in my purse. Did it think it was just going to take and take and not give? I was standing already when the attendant came back with a cheque for fourteen hundred and forty rand. “And why can’t you be?” “No reason. I inserted my card. I left the flat after midnight. Patrick must’ve sensed that we’d finished our mother-son talk. handing two pills to Reza. He can have the other one.” “I love you too. It stopped on three. He came through the door and set down a tea tray with refreshments on the coffee table. I wasn’t one bit excited. No one paid any attention to a woman dressed in loose cotton pants and a black scarf. “I love you. I pressed the spinning wheel. loaded a hundred rand onto it. and went to the ATM machine and withdrew three hundred rand. On the third hit. I thought if I got really sick. I had been in the casino twenty minutes. and went to bed. I’d always told myself that Patrick was just the flat mate. My son had a safe place to fall. As we boxed their ears. Patrick will be lost without me.” I’d never said these words to any of my children. I felt restless. Things he’d said he was concerned about.” His eyes widened. It had made it easier. I tossed
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. remember? You can have your old one back. a red seven and two double treasures came up. and left there with the same fury. I brushed my teeth. It moved me to see this tenderness between them.“Did you hear what I asked?” “Yes. I couldn’t pray that night when I got home. I looked around for a waitress. But not now. I wouldn’t mind being back at home with my mother. and pushed the button. I don’t think mothers of my generation said these words.” He hugged me. Mummy. and made myself comfortable at a Double Treasures machine.” “Patrick can come too. But he was much more than that.

The next afternoon I called my ex-husband at work.” He looked at me with his mouth hanging open. Braima.” “I also have to tell you what the doctor said. His condition’s advanced. “Braima. He has Aids. He sat down. “Where does he live?” “Where he’s always been.” He walked around the table. but only decided to tell me now. on High Level Road.” I wanted to scream. And it’s bad. I need you to help. Beeda. and came straight to the point. there’s no time to play the holies. “This is disgusting.” “Does he have medical aid?” “No. You won’t need to be convinced. You need to pull yourself together. “Are you serious? He has Aids?” “Go and see him. There’s parking right on the shoulder. in that beige building on the left just as you come up from Strand Street. “Always it’s about God – isn’t it? Well.” He looked up at me from his tea. I didn’t push him. Reza didn’t tell you.from one side to the other. or with someone?” “He lives with Patrick.” “What do you mean advanced?” This was where Patrick got stuck for words. It’s about him. not make it worse. get over it. “I went to see Reza at the flat last night.” “What do you suggest?”
33
. They make documentaries.” “Do you think it’s going to be easy for me to go there and see my son living with another man?” “This is not about you. but his condition’s advanced. “Ya Allah.” “Well.” I poured him a cup of tea and offered him a biscuit. He has Aids. that’s a helluva way to start a conversation –” “He’s known for a year. “His tablets are expensive. my conversation with Patrick going round and round in my head.” “It’s about God. That’s real.” I was amazed at my calmness when he arrived. can you come over? It’s about Reza.” “He lives alone.” “Patrick?” “Patrick’s the friend. Beeda. Mrs A.

The pills are expensive. God had created him.“I don’t know. or called me. “I also had difficulty with it at the beginning.” “He said all these things to you?” “Yes. He told me a lot of things last night. He came here more than I went there though. in all these years. “Could we have avoided this? I mean.” I could’ve said a little something there. Try and understand what he’s going through. “Tell me how I can help. He talked about God. Maybe they think their fathers will judge them. He brought up Reza’s medication. There’s no medical aid.” “Have you called him?” “No. The words came out in a groan. He was silent for a long time. Braima. I went out with him to the car. He needs us. You see them on the street. but decided to stay on his good side. “It’s nothing we could’ve avoided. It’s no one’s fault. but I kept in touch. how it’s been for him. he talked to me further. Is our son like that?” I let him feel what he had to feel. and let him talk.” He took a few sips of his tea.” “You’re going to ask the children for help?” “It’s their brother. I’m thinking of calling a family meeting. I didn’t wait for him to call me. When Patrick walked me to the car. He’s a good son. He wouldn’t have chosen this life for himself. I’d felt the same helplessness many times. He spoke about his feelings. he’s never invited me.”
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. They have that thing with their mothers. You know how boys are.” He looked down at his hands. You know. He didn’t ask to be gay. you see so much on television.

It had many
35
. but would lose less after following its advice. I decided to educate myself. but I paid no heed. it stated. If you insist on gambling. “I’m going to see Auntie. I read every word with great interest.” I would say laughingly to Garaatie or Rhoda when I was ready to leave them for an hour of fun. be smart about it. that I came up with a name for the casino. I went to the library and took out a book on defensive gambling by a Las Vegas gambler who’d been banned from all the casinos. Which might be true for the money you’ve lost that past week. I would do it right. Rhoda would suggest. In them is great sin. If I were going to do it. This is one auntie you should stay away from. but wasn’t brave enough to do it. The odd time when you win five or six thousand rand. and you reply once a week. One mustn’t neglect one’s relatives. Concerning wine and gambling. No man. A friend asks how much you’ve lost. Auntie only wants your donations. when in fact you’ve lost five or six. The only winners were the ones who stayed away. To confront my losses was to confront my addiction. let’s go to Auntie. These words nagged at me. The idea is to provide fun. but doesn’t begin to address the thousands you’d spent since you first started.T
he third thing I have to confess is that I felt so guilty about where I was going in my spare time. and you say a hundred. when in reality you’re finding your way there almost every other day. I thought several times of sitting down and adding it all up. I noticed a few things starting to happen. and another book on the psychology of gambling. Auntie became the new buzzword. but the sin is greater than the profit. When I saw how much I liked visiting Auntie. and make the departure of your money from your wallet as painless as possible. The book promised that I would still lose. Or they have that worried look and ask how many times a week you go to Auntie. No. Let’s go to Canal Walk. The casino is a business. you tell yourself that you got all your money back. They’re there to make money. And some profit for men. I read the one on defensive gambling first.

I saw Lord of the Rings. and had players waiting in line for a turn. fifteen hundred. I don’t know about the Las Vegas casinos. as we walked through the wide doors. The Mexican. Casinos don’t want roulette and blackjack players to drift off to the machines when they lose. The wheel of fortune machines. for that’s what you end up paying to see a show at a place like that.” She stopped for a moment to look about. and soon got used to a rhythm. but this one was so full of people.” she said. “It’s haraam. there was traffic everywhere. she wrapped her scarf around her head like a mummy. In any case. This was true and not true. threw another scarf over it. it suggested that you buy those tickets first so that if you lost at gambling. “My God. Like if you had been planning to see a movie or a show at the casino. for I’d seen people get up from a machine. who now had a new love interest.” “You read a book about gambling?”
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.valuable tips. not to come with a friend. Rhoda had heard so much now about Auntie. especially. But one of the best things the book recommended was to check the computer on the floor for pay-outs. This had to be true. Moulin Rouge. Better yet. and two thousand rand every few hours.” “I have two cards. two films with that Australian actress and the American actor husband. I want to try out this new strategy I read about.” “I don’t think so. so the machines in those areas are turned down. There was also advice not to play a machine at the same speed for long periods of time as the machine spun at so many milliseconds. had daily pay-outs of a thousand. this place is like a shopping mall. you at least had something to show for your evening. and many other films. and to choose high-traffic areas as the casino liked to show off where there were lots of people. But I often ended up paying five hundred rand for a movie. and not to borrow from friends. if you change your mind. It was good to alternate the speed now and again by taking a break or changing the rhythm of the play. To make sure no one would recognise her. The book also warned not to play the slot machines near the tables. The tip worked. Where are you going to play?” “The wild sevens. I only brought twenty rand with me. Another tip was to leave all credit cards at home. and kept on her sunglasses. she decided to come with me one Wednesday afternoon to see what it was all about. “Are you getting a card?” I asked. to bring no cheques. then someone else sitting down and getting lucky right away. “A card? For what? I’m not going to play.

I wanted to get down to the business of playing. I would never waste my money like this. “As long as it holds steady. I played for half an hour with the same hundred rand.“You know I read.” I started to play. I inserted my card and a hundred-rand note. You only have twenty rand. I can’t afford my psychologist anymore. Rhoda stood like a watchdog behind me.” “How much did you come with?” “Two hundred.” I said. admiring the ocean? This was a casino.” she said after a few minutes. In front of us the machines hummed and purred. leading her to a long row of machines. She wasn’t stingy when she invited you to her house for a tea or a supper. “How much do you think an ice cream costs in this place?” I asked her.” I said. then take it all back again. One thing I forgot to tell about Rhoda.” she laughed. I’m not a gambler. Sometimes it took three or four hundred to dislodge me from my seat. “You come here too much if you ask me. “Haai! Don’t say Bismillah to gamble.” I said. The other examines why you do it. Ice cream was the last thing on my mind. beginning to regret that I’d brought her along. The money disappeared three rand at a time from my card every time I hit the button. touching my hand to the button.” “You mean you allow yourself to lose that much before you stop?” I wanted to laugh.” We stepped down onto the floor. “You’re down to ten rand. I had two hundred in the wallet part and three hundred stashed in with the ATM and library cards. “Let’s go. “Can’t I buy an ice cream or something nice first?” she asked. “It’s when it takes more than a hundred that you have to worry. You can save a lot of money on doctors if you buy the right books. When it seemed like my last ten rand would be swallowed up. “Bismillah. I believe in them. the machine would give me a consolation prize of twenty or forty rand which would allow me to play a bit longer. the only one available was the one with the wild sevens I wanted to play on. She would stand and argue with people in a shop that the
37
. where as luck would have it.” “Ssshh.” I lied.” I said. “I’ll buy you one later. And I read two on gambling. strolling along the boardwalk. Did she think we were in Sea Point. but she was tight with the rand. She watched as the money went up and down on my card. “You’re losing your money. One gave tips.” “I don’t know. Don’t worry.

rolls had gone up three cents. comparing prices. “No. I buy it.” “This doesn’t look like a good machine. but don’t nag me.” she said.” I said.” “No. but I’m paying.” she said. If I want something. And she wasn’t wrong about what I was doing. to save five rand. She could go on murmuring.” When my money was down to nine rand. Isn’t it funny? When we were children. “A lot. we also just liked white bread. It wasn’t the fault of the person behind the counter. They can walk up and down in a mall looking at things. and didn’t need to be made to feel like a bad little girl. I put money in here. This is Rhoda and Garaatie. Now it’s almost criminal to have white bread in your house. “I’ll just let it rest for a minute. feeling the fabric. I opened my purse and took out some change. trying on shoes. “I would go nuts sitting on a machine watching my money go up and down like this. And I’m not one of those who go shopping just to look. I don’t wear out my shoes and patience trolling from shop to shop. and it was still cheaper than making your own rolls if you considered the cost of electricity. I already knew what I was doing was wrong. “Eight rand? My God.” “No. “Do you know how many loaves of bread that could’ve bought for the poor?” she asked. Are there rubies in this ice cream that it costs eight rand?” I’m not like that. I took out my card.” She nodded her head.” The worst thing you can have with you at a casino is a motjie imam. I’m back up to sixty rand. “especially if you buy white bread. I was pumping money into a greedy guts with no guarantee of any kind of return. I don’t care how much it costs. They like white bread. “I want to see what’s going to happen. “Why don’t you go buy yourself an ice cream? The Magnums here are nine rand fifty. Brown bread was the poor person’s fare.” “Go and buy the ice cream.” “Okay. That book I read says
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. “Go to another machine. I never go shopping with them. I’m a need-and-buy person. “I don’t understand the fascination.” “It’s not bad. So I wasn’t surprised at all by her murmuring. and said to the cashier. Once she bought a Magnum ice cream at a Seven Eleven. Poor people mos don’t like brown bread. but her eye was still on the happenings on my card.” she said.” She laughed.

“How do you put the money in?” she asked. I inserted the twenty-rand note for her.” “Can’t I have a turn then?” “I’m resting the machine. A fat woman who’d been standing there all along waiting for the machine. I put money in this machine. It won’t take long. and leaned over to stick my card in for three hits. en daar wen sy tien duisend rand op daai vrou se machine!” Shame.” The man on my left got up. and was ready to stick my card into my own machine with a fresh hundred. You can see I’m still sitting here.” I said. give the machine a rest. “I want to rest the machine. The lights flashed.you must pause in between plays. I just stuck in my card to play out the nine rand. then play at a different speed. “I don’t want to play on that one. “Can I have your other card?” she asked suddenly. I raised myself up slightly. The bell rang. I couldn’t speak.” I said. “You want to play?” “Yes. and this one said she just wanted to stick her card in. I won! I won!” I didn’t know what to say. I was surprised. I couldn’t have said it better myself.” I felt bad. Beeda. All three wild sevens jumped into place. I looked at Rhoda.” “I’m not playing there. I was too disturbed to speak. Rhoda. handing her the one I’d just played with.
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.” I said. I’m still playing here. toe sê dié een sy wil net gou haar kaart insteek. and kept asking over and over again how much she’d won. She’d won ten thousand rand! Money I would’ve won if she hadn’t insisted on playing on my machine. Finally. The fat woman told her. I’ll play here while you’re playing on that one. “Ya Allah. I had already lost my nine rand. daai vrou het die hele tyd hier gespeel. and she won ten thousand on that woman’s machine. turned to the man next to her and said. Play on this one. I got up. She was brighteyed and excited. she touched the button. “Can I sit down?” she asked. “Huwa haa. indicating the one next to me. that woman was playing here all the time. She positioned herself on the seat like she was going on a long trip to Mars. I looked at the machine. And I only have twenty rand. “Okay. Use this card then.

“I need to speak to someone. I found it in the drawer with the accounts. I couldn’t believe it. the one who made all her salaahs on time. staring through the window at the branches of a tree. “A terrible thing happened to me at the casino this afternoon. and not five cents to me. It was the longest twenty minutes of my life. the door’s shut squarely in your face. but knew that I never wanted to see her again. “It’s a big amount. Not a word about how she’d won. As God is my witness. I forced a smile. And she was supposed to be the good one. My body felt heavy. The card was in my name. the one who’d been to Mecca three times. But I was depressed.” she said.” I said. and like a jackal was standing there with a dripping mouth. I just don’t put on the same shoes again. I was looking for a blue pamphlet I’d brought home from the casino long ago. “You’ll have to take this cheque to the cashier. “Congratulations!” she said to me.People started to gather about. And she couldn’t understand the fascination? She wasn’t a gambler? She was worse.” I said. How had I ever allowed something like this to happen? I sat at the kitchen table for a long time. When I finally dropped her off at the gate.” This was the moment. I sat with the cheque in my hand. In that moment I recognised the full evil of gambling. under the spoons.” And that was it. But she was gesticulating with her hands. “I have to take this to the cashier. telling onlookers how she’d just stuck her card in and won with twenty rand.”
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. It was five in the afternoon and I felt like someone who’d worked the whole day with a pickaxe in the sun. was that I still had to drive her home and listen to her drivel in the car. A woman came on the line. I don’t make a party out of it. I don’t talk about it. When I’m finished. too greedy to share. I would soon know now what Rhoda was going to do. fully expecting to hear her say that she owed me for insisting to play on the machine I’d still been busy with. My resentment towards her was toxic. The attendant came. They’ll give you cash or a bank cheque. Eventually I got up and searched through the drawers. I waited for her to turn to me and say something. and more poisonous than anything I could’ve said. At least there was honour among gamblers who exercised some kind of ethic on the floor. She’d stepped in on my turf. and I could hardly walk into my house without almost immediately sitting down again. and went to the telephone and dialed the 800 number. I read the information. What irked me further. “How do you want it?” “I’ll take a cheque.

I would do this on my own. I said. and said I would call the number. I like mystery stories and nonfiction. But what had Rhoda told her? The thing of it was.” “I have to pay for this?” I asked. “You’ll get six free sessions. and it wasn’t like it was his mother talking about her gay son who’d written the book. But I knew she knew. and said. At the end of our conversation she gave me a number to call. Finally.” I thanked her for listening.” “Well. Liberace had died long ago. Garaatie. “No.”
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. and kept myself busy. But I didn’t. Rhoda had never invited Garaatie alone to her house.She listened. and turn to God. The casino pays.” I put down the rolling pin. I’m going to leave it. She won on the machine that you got up from. I don’t know why I chose that book. I mentioned nothing to Garaatie. “Wasn’t it so?” “Not quite. but I had to decide how much I was going to tell her. For two weeks I stayed away from the casino.” Garaatie took off her scarf and put it over the back of one of the chairs. Garaatie wasn’t direct friends with Rhoda. As far as what had happened at the casino with Rhoda. But that was another thing sitting in the back of my closet that I had to take out. we’ll leave it like that. I would go into the shower and take my ablutions. She kept asking me on the phone when last I’d seen Rhoda. “That’s what she said?” “Yes. and took out two Ruth Rendells and a Liberace autobiography. Rhoda had told her. but friends with Rhoda through me. she came to my house one afternoon as I was busy rolling out pastry for chicken pies. I was also confused at that moment as to who really were my friends. Picking up a salaah timetable from the dresser. “What happened?” “No. she sat down and fanned herself. then.” Garaatie was a good friend. But greed did this.” she said. “Did Rhoda say something happened?” “She just said that you two went to the casino. I took on orders for cakes and pies. I went to the library. “Did something happen with you and Rhoda at the casino?” And there it was. “John’s very good.

You can’t chuck away a friendship of thirty years. she just said she couldn’t tell Rudwaan. You’ve known each other since high school. He’s not well. I have other stuff going on in my life. don’t force me to talk figures with you. I didn’t know that. but I can’t be the same with her again. he’ll lecture her about the evils of gambling.” “Don’t say so. Now look what happened. I knew then for sure that Rhoda had put her up to this. She and Rhoda knew he was gay. What are you going to do? You’ve been friends for years. Just Braima and the boys. It’s a family meeting then. But now what? How is this going to be resolved?” “It can’t be. And I don’t want to talk about it any more. I’ll tell you one thing though.” “And I’m sorry I took you there. a big one. then think of a way to invest it. She picked up the rolling pin and continued where I’d left off. And as far as Rudwaan. I don’t care about the money now. I never confirmed it. It’s my fault. Not the wives. I never spoke of this son. I’m ever sorry I set foot in that place. Braima’s also coming. it’s about what happened.
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. Can’t go out the door without making a dua’h.” “How much money would it take to fix things?” she persisted. “For tonight?” “Yes. “It’s true. And you know her. “You’re doing a lot of baking.” “Oh yes.” Garaatie laughed. hey.” Garaatie didn’t know how to handle this bit of unexpected information. Rhoda’s feeling bad about it. It’s not about how much. You don’t know what lies ahead.” “Oh my.” I admired her determination to have peace. Money can do that. Right away when she won. I mean I’ll greet her when I see her. “Listen.“You’re not going to tell me?” “No. Money destroyed what we had. Beeda.” she said. She didn’t tell me how much it is. She doesn’t know what to do with that money. With a twenty rand on a machine I told her I was still busy with.” “It’s never too late.” “It’s about Reza. “Rhoda’s the last of my worries.” I washed my hands at the sink and switched on the kettle for tea.” “She didn’t tell you it’s ten thousand rand?” “What! Ten thousand! Oh my word.” “For me it’s over. I have a meeting with my sons here tonight. she had to do the right thing. The damage is done. Garaatie. Garaatie.

You don’t have to hurt people. When you’re forty-nine. “It’s a good month to do it.” “They say it’s good to give of yourself to other people when you’re in pain.” “He’s right.The cell phone rang in her bag.” she said into it. “Yes. he wasn’t on. that he may have to go away for a few days on business.” “Stop it. “Okay then.” she said.” I agreed. She took it out and spoke into it.” she said.”
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.” “I can’t stand him.” She said goodbye and put the cell phone back in her bag. I’m at Beeda’s house.” “What’s he up to?” Her expression changed again.” I had wanted to know long ago what was happening on that front. Even he behaves during this month. No.” I smiled. “I know what he’s up to.” “Did she? I missed that one. Garaatie. Just the other day we celebrated Eid. A whole year’s passed. “Mahmood. “Hello?” I watched her. “Maybe I’ll join you.” “Aah.” “Aah. Did she have Dr Phil on? What’s it they call him? A life strategist?” “I think so.” “It is. When you’re twenty.” “What did I do?” “You’re being sarcastic. glancing at me. Nothing wonderful. I hate it when you get that way.” “Okay. “No. “He’s been hinting that something big’s coming up. and see what he’s hiding. “He wants to know if I want to go to a movie tonight. Beeda. Oprah did a whole show about it. I waited for her to tell me. it seems like three months. “So how are things at home?” “It’s okay. “Don’t say aah like that. but hadn’t asked.” she said. But Ramadan’s next week.” “I’m thinking of helping out at the old age home. It’s a wait and see thing.” I knew from the way her face lit up who it was. though. I’d like to look in his closet.” “I can’t believe how the time’s flown. “I’ll look in the paper. He’s so rude to people.” “Bugger it. You can be right. a year seems like ten years.” she said.

” I knew then why she had come. They found twins. “Hello. Only one person knocked like that. “Rabia’s going to her cousin on Haywood Road. “Zaitoon and I go to cake decorating classes on Saturday afternoons. I tidied the kitchen after my baking and got things ready. Garaatie left well before maghrib. Fawzia. and both had on jeans and cream cable jerseys. “Salaam everyone. and the other would already have written the script. Rabia.” “Okay. I greeted her back and looked at Zane. they looked for sisters. they’re joined at the hip. “I’m going to my cousin. Even though they lived in different houses. although their energies were channeled now in a different direction. I’d specifically told my sons not to bring their wives. they pulled my chain and gave me double of everything. One would have the thought. I’d hurt her once or twice myself trying to make my point. If you don’t know about twins.” they greeted. “Salaam alaikum. “She just came in to greet. Today they’re high school teachers. I opened the door and saw Zane and Rabia on the doorstep. They’d given me lots of trouble in their teens. Naughty boys when they were young. and still naughty. “I heard about that thing with Auntie Rhoda. The two of you aren’t talking now because of what happened. they still dressed the same most of the time. With how they dressed.” I said. Auntie Rhoda won quite a lot of money. Even when they dated.” she continued. then the twins came bounding in.“Sometimes they have to be hurt.” he said. It had always been like that. kissing everyone in turn. “She said you and her mother had been to the casino.” Rabia greeted me.” She got up and adjusted her scarf. But long before they discovered girls.”
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. “Oh. There was another knock.” she said. and on Saturday mornings teach Islam in the townships. much relieved.” I looked at her. I knew the moment I heard the double rap on the door that my night was about to be spoiled.” she said. turning to me as if she’d just remembered something. and the mischief they got up to. My friend Abdul had worked wonders with them.” “I just popped in for a few minutes. I walked them into the lounge. She was right. They did everything together.

I poured the tea and listened to Braima talk about how as a child he’d always wanted to be a rugby player and how he had to leave school early to get a job. And my expression warned my sons to dare talk about what they’d just heard. Their shocked expressions told me that they had never expected to hear that their mother had been in a casino. and the man at the head of the table belonged to another table at another house. “If you heard it. After Rabia’s departure. they were watching the highlights from the rugby game and conversation was lively. The memory made me feel sad. I hadn’t raised them with
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. At least I’d been saved that embarrassment. “Well. I wondered if he was happy at home. I thought. Let them have a few minutes alone with their father. I thought of that night. I went to the kitchen to switch on the kettle for tea. There had been three of them then – one was still in the womb – and three of them now. I didn’t walk with her to the door.” she said to Zane. I knew. But I needn’t have worried.” I said. All three were married. I noticed the quality and cut of the suit he was wearing. I must go. I’d heard from someone that she’d had her uterus out. She looked at her watch. But my night was ruined. but looked older. I felt weepy. one foot on top of the other. But I would hear from the twins. How long had it been since all of them were together in this house? For no reason. Braima had three daughters with her. “What time should I pick you up?” “I’ll call you on the cell. and left my sons to their discussions. She wouldn’t have spared me in front of him. My sons had a good relationship with their father. long ago when Zane had stood in the doorway. I greeted Braima. and heard the doorbell.Her statement hung like a bad smell in the air. watching his father put money on the table and leave the house. she would’ve been a dead mossie on the floor. My eyes went round the group. They all got up from their seats in front of the television and came to sit at the table. then it must be so. wouldn’t say anything. My boys listened with interest. long. and if looks could kill. I readied the tray with biscuits and pies.” he said. When I carried the tray into the lounge. His wife. with all his own teeth and a full head of hair. was three years younger than me. I was glad Braima hadn’t arrived yet. He was still a good-looking man. Zane. My baby was sick and an outcast. Zainap.

and can’t change how he is. He was very emotional. and not abandoning Reza. he has time. “He has time. “I’m going to do that soon.” “He’s abandoned us. I’ll take care of his pills. we don’t want to face it. And he talks to us. and I don’t know how it feels to abstain because I’ve not been there. “Munier and I always go and visit him. and told me quite a lot. God alone judges.”
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. Did he talk to Mummy about it?” “Yes. He prays a hole in the ground begging God to forgive him. Until the roggel comes. We’re used to doing things as a family. I started to speak. and sometimes he can’t even hold a decent conversation with you he’s so down.animosity.” “And we’ve talked to him. It’s good that we’re talking about it. but we’ve talked to him.” Munier said. He’s my brother. Sometimes he’s happy. This is about your brother. and that’s it. It’s hard when you love someone because you want to consummate that love. It’s out now.” Looks passed around the table. This is about trying to understand what is happening. But the thing I came home with was that he hadn’t chosen to be this way. His twin sons were far more liberal and understanding than he was. and he knows. “This isn’t the time. “Your father’s here because I wanted us to sit down together and talk about Reza. He’s cried about it. We hear about Aids every day. “We’ve talked to him many times. Zane took a sip on his tea. You just can’t act out on those feelings. It could’ve been any one of you. Zane. Whatever our feelings are. being together in this. Reza’s ill. Two weeks ago. I glared at him.” “Mummy’s right. When Braima was finished with his story. He was trying hard to understand.” “Why doesn’t he come home now and put his spiritual life in order?” Zane asked. They had aadab and respect. That’s why I called you all together.” I noticed Braima’s expression. God doesn’t condemn the feelings. we don’t have to talk around it. And even then. “He lives in two worlds. “I don’t have a problem with Reza. we have to put them aside now.” Marwaan said.” Marwaan added. but this meeting’s not about money. but we don’t really want to know anything about it until it strikes someone in the family. and today they can sit at the same table with the father who’d abandoned them.” Zane said. “Has Daddy seen him?” Munier asked. Your mother says he has no medical aid. We’ve told him that God doesn’t condemn you because you’re gay. He’s going to need us.

Ma.I didn’t like this talk of death. I wasn’t going to rob him of his last moments with his companion and friend. Zane said nothing. I went to my bedroom to answer it. They were quiet because I’d silenced them. I carried my son under my heart. He asked if I would accompany him. he’s there when Reza’s sick and no one else is. I sat at the table looking at the empty plates and teacups. The meeting ended at eleven-fifteen with pledges about contributions and support.” “Then you haven’t seen what I’ve seen. It’s wrong. “How can this man come and live with him in the house?” “Zane’s right. Not for a supper or a tea or for any family function. I said yes. The telephone rang. than have him dying alone in a flat. The twins would spend more time with Reza.” Braima looked away.” “We will think about them. For all their modern ideas.” “You haven’t seen him – right?” “Right.” “Really?” “But not now. Patrick gives him his pills. I’m surprised that Mummy would suggest such a thing. I’m a mother. with Patrick.” Munier said. “I agree with them. You can’t have him in the house. He said Patrick will be lost without him. they still went by the Book. He’ll be in the spare room. Is it fair for us to disrupt what they have?” “We can’t think about such things now. and people will talk. Patrick can come here. “Patrick’s a nice guy. I suggested it. but you don’t want people to say that you’ve encouraged his lifestyle. I only have good intentions. I told him he could bring Patrick. No one invites him to their houses. When they were gone. Punish me. Ma. Only one person cares. if it’s wrong. but you can’t have him here. he comforts him. Whether or not we care what people say.
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.” “Patrick will be lost without him? He tells this to his mother?” “Ssshh. You can’t hide Aids. God. And I’d rather have him here. You can’t create fitnah. There’ll be no nonsense going on. Beeda. My sons didn’t meet my eyes. “He is coming home. But the Book also talks about compassion. and Braima would build up his courage to go and see him. replaying some of the conversation. you mustn’t give them something to talk about.” I turned to my former husband to see if he had an opinion also. I want Reza to have his family and his brothers around him. But they didn’t agree with me.” “What?” Zane was almost out of his seat. But he’ll be near.

and had been to Mr Price recently and asked to be fitted for a pair of jeans.” I said. a place where I could escape. when I realised I didn’t have my MVG cards. But where was I going to play? I would never go near the wild sevens where Rhoda had won the ten thousand. I forgot all my troubles when I stepped through the door. Even at that hour the floor was busy. I’d only put in a hundred rand. and went to visit Auntie.” the caller said. “Something comfortable I can wear with a long shirt.“I drove past your house an hour ago and saw cars. “I want to cash out. which it reimbursed when you returned the card. “Yes. but still registered the high credits. “Not tight ones. “Are your visitors gone?” I stood with the phone in my hand. my heart beating a little faster than usual. and which I felt had betrayed me. You know that. “I still care for you. The card had to register ninety credits after withholding ten rand. I had lost only thirty rand. and reinserted it. and brought out a size 34. I took the card to a different machine.” I’m ashamed to tell what I did after I put down the phone. I’d decided not to go there any more in my regular clothes. “All of it?” she asked. and of the man inside. I was gliding towards the arches already. and got out. good teeth. It felt like a world removed from the real world. It was just on midnight when I parked the car.
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. “Yes. and received a white card. I decided to see what would happen when I played.” “I know a lot of things.” I said to the salesgirl. I took it out and walked to the cashier. The amounts went up and down. I changed my clothes.” There was a moment’s silence. got into my car. careful not to mention an amount.” “Is it too late to come and see you?” I had visions of the jeep driving past my house. I thought. It fit perfectly. God had blessed me with straight legs. Beeda. It’s too late. I took the card out. I would buy one.” She looked me up and down. Imran. I thought. I headed towards one of the stations to buy a card. It said I had two thousand credits. The same thing happened. I took her seat and inserted the card I’d just bought. I stood for a moment behind a woman at a Double Treasures machine and watched her lose two hundred rand. I inserted a hundred rand into the slot. There was a mistake. It still showed two thousand credits. and a great figure. No matter. When she got up.

“No. that’s four rand fifty. or didn’t dress properly. and you get whatever they dig up.” I said. You play fifty cents a line.” she said. if you want to win. and bought another white card. If someone’s daughter had fallen pregnant.
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. I went to the fifty cent slots where it was so packed. “If you get a bonus. and asked the woman next to me.” “What’s big?” I asked. And here they were sitting in the casino without scarves. had been to Mecca twice.” They knew how to read me. I’m really enjoying myself. or was after some woman’s husband. But having money that didn’t belong to me didn’t mean I was going to get ridiculous.” I said. I decided to go back to the machines. It’s lekker to sin. but had stayed away after I’d heard from someone what they’d said about me. I went up to them. and knew that their story was only as safe as their own loose tongues. I had money in my wallet. “En hier sit julle twee lekker te dowwel. Here. And he only played nine lines. nine hundred and seventy rand. I’m having so much fun. Instead of going to the one rand machines. As I rounded the corner. and were forerunners in the fitnah brigade. “We came for lunch. I had never played these machines before. I didn’t even blink when she put the notes through the machine and counted out one thousand. They were both hadjis.“Yes. I would try a different machine. I saw a man raise himself wearily from a stool at the end. I used to be friends with them. Howzit? A whole lot of us came. If you play nine lines. and moved away.” I said.” she said. smoking cigarettes. pumping the machines. “En toe. “Hello Beeda.” “Ya. you have to play big. I saw two women I knew. That man put in six hundred rand. or had had some mishap. I took the man’s seat. “Gambling’s a lotta fun. long time no see. you would hear it from them. The pirates only came once. I knew the cameras were overhead. “It’s the pirates machine. I was now also a thief. the pirates start to dig. I left the bank of cashiers as surreptitiously as I had come.” “Did anything big happen here on this machine?” I asked. “See you later. The other looked guilty and smiled.” I watched her check the computer. né?” The one blushed crimson. you couldn’t even get a seat. I could afford to be a little adventurous.

I had hardly stuck my card into a wheel of gold machine. I had just got tired of winning.” “It was a mistake.” “That’s a lotta dirty money.” “That’s right. and then I’m going home. waiting for the credits to load onto my card. “Where are you going?” she asked. where’d you get all that money? Don’t tell me you went to the casino?” “I did. all the way to two thousand six hundred credits. I just counted it out. which I hadn’t even touched. But as luck or circumstance would have it. It was a fifty-cent machine. It’s going to take it.” “You won all of that?” “Yes. “What are you going to do with it?”
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. made me watch in fascination. One hundred. I accidentally hit the maximum button. besides my own money.” “This is the clean money.” “Ya Allah. I had eight thousand rand. I felt depressed. but what was happening on the screen in front of me. My bag bulged with notes. I couldn’t explain it. that’s a lucky accident. two hundred.“Well. “That’s ninety lines. I thought. and forty-five rand came off in one shot from my card.” I went back to the cashier and cashed out. Beeda. a stack of accounts to the side. now and then.” I said. “Ya Allah. I now had three thousand one hundred rand in my wallet.” No way. three hundred. “I told you. One more.” I pointed to the thinner pile on the left. when I got a spin and won a thousand rand.” “Well. Forty-five rand. “You should play on.” “You don’t say. Three pirates suddenly appeared with shovels and started to dig. Strangely. I couldn’t believe it.” I said. I said to myself. Almost ten thousand rand. but I wasn’t happy. asking her to leave a hundred rand on the card. Garaatie came by the next afternoon and found me sitting at the kitchen table with two piles of notes in front of me.” My eyes glanced at the buttons on the machine.” “No way.” she said. I almost screeched. “I hit that maximum button by accident. I left the casino. it pays you to hit maximum. The fifty cent machine was going to turn out to be more expensive than my one rand machines where the maximum was only three rand. “and this is the dirty money. and I had won thirteen hundred rand! “See there?” the woman said. By the fourth machine.

I don’t want to lose. I was thinking the strangest things. the machine responds. I was thinking the same thing. It means I can come back and play again. Garaatie. or my skin. I tell you. and call up the insurance company. Jy gaan straight na die jahanam se vuur as daai gebeur. or some magnetic thing. I have some accounts. my own money. I couldn’t stop winning. I thought.” “What are you going to do with the rest? Are you still planning to buy that maroon Mercedes?” “Yes. Three hundred. “You’re losing it. and not have monthly payments.” You’re going straight to the hell fire if that happens. “That’s funny. “Just now you have a bladdy accident. I was thinking of using some of it towards that. Garaatie.”
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. That’s the money I had on me. I can pay the electricity and the phone. It’s not good money.” “And you know you can’t use that money to go to Mecca – if you’re still planning to go next year. By the time I won that thousand on the last machine.” “No way. And what if I win another ten thousand? And another? How many cars can I drive? I’ll be the only Muslim in Cape Town with a hundred thousand in a bank account. but I don’t want to burn in the jahanam fire either. “I know. Go back and see if you win again. I thought maybe it’s all those vitamins I’m taking. I’m not giving that money back. I go to the casino for the fun. who can’t afford to go on hajj. How much in the clean pile?” “Only five hundred. maybe there’s something in my system. I would have to sell my Toyota. that when I play.” she said. But you can test it. Isn’t that stupid?” Garaatie laughed.” Garaatie looked skeptical. six hundred. I have no hot flushes at all. If I win a thousand I’m happy. Beeda. Beeda.” she said. I’ll save some money on the premium if I pay annually. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea to buy a car with it. I’ve been taking those soya isoflavones for almost a year now. I wouldn’t.“Well. and tell them I just want to pay my car and house insurance in one shot.

I have always been a strutavarian in my own home. and found the hairdrier broken. I had just dried off after a shower. to be flower girl and maid of honour. But my face wasn’t going to make a man miss his supper. but not outstanding. and how she waited and waited for him to come home and he only arrived at
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. Zulpha. I am blessed. in the street I covered up. and I brushed out the tangles and shook it once or twice. but not ask for the recipe. I liked it springy. I got the in-between colour and looks. I wasn’t one of those women who washed their hair only twice a week. Rhoda also told me once that at night she gets into bed first before pulling her clothes off over her head. and some Muslims being very made up with white complexions. with green eyes. She doesn’t want to see the puckers and ripples.A
nother thing I’m ashamed to confess. But because she was so dark. So quite by accident I discovered this thing with my hair. I was particular about how my hair looked. silky and smooth. is my weakness for things physical and attractive. Not many of my friends can do that. Not me. My hair was longer than I liked to have it. they used to call me in school for my great legs. And so I discovered a new look quite by accident. In the house I was bareheaded. He might pause. like one who’s suddenly discovered something interesting on his dessert plate. Garaatie undresses in the dark. almost to my shoulders. It was Garaatie giving me an update about the movie she and Mahmood were supposed to have gone and seen. being fair like our father. I never usually stare at my reflection in the mirror. My younger sister. and manageable under a scarf. and in my opinion she was the real beauty. was black as a panther and had that same kind of agility. and can actually take off my clothes and look at myself. People always asked my eldest sister. It’s easy to blow-dry. Toeghieda. when the phone rang. From the neck down. no one had ever asked for her to be in a wedding party. I was going to go out and buy a new drier. I used to keep my hair in a bob. Beeda Boude. Sultry.

ten-thirty. I saw his thin face and his large eyes. but had a more mature body now. I liked it. My hair was soft and fine. I looked at myself in the mirror. I removed it from the thin plastic cover. I went to the cupboard to see what I could find to offset this look. and found a fitting. My sister Zulpha’s husband’s jeep was in the driveway. but the smile faded slowly. The woman with the wild hair and slinky outfit was a far cry from the scarved one out on the street. I’ll never forget the dress she’d had made for her
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. Reza’s image rose before me. Except for a little snugness in the armpits. I unzipped the dress and pulled it over my head. giving the flat-tyre-on-the-road excuse.” She could only see my face through the blinds. Stepping out of my gown. Did I dare? Could I stand to be disappointed? I was slim and watched what I ate. “Zullie?” I called from the window. I was on such a high. I saw my other sons with their families. and stood back to examine myself. I looked at the dress under the cellophane wrapping. I looked out of the window. I had never seen it like that. dusted some brown shadow onto my eyelids. the dress fitted. A million and one things kept me busy during the day. I sat down on the edge of the bed. I couldn’t believe it. I looked at my hair in the mirror. Who was the real Abeeda Ariefdien? Was she a good girl? The woman in the mirror smiled. By the time Garaatie had finished her lament. but had slim hips and great legs. it gave me a completely different look. I saw the bleak landscape of my own existence. I had blossomed a bit in the top section. Open up. with locks and wisps about my face. my hair was half-dry. I saw Patrick. teetering on the stilettos. I looked and looked. and for the hell of it put on some lipstick. but at night I got alone into bed. Zulpha liked her loose cotton pants and matching tops. The sound of the doorbell jolted me back to reality. and a high mandarin collar – a Chinese outfit I’d worn for my thirtieth birthday. with a natural wave. but I could see all of her. I threw my head this way and that way. plumcoloured satin dress with gold dragons. I couldn’t believe this wild woman staring back at me. and the way it had dried. “Are you alone?” She came to the window. “Yes. and searched in the shoe boxes at the bottom of the cupboard for a pair of black pumps. Pale pink and white were her favourite colours. And she knew what colours looked best against her dark skin. scrambling my fingers through my hair to fluff it up even more. I’m carrying a tray.

she was all ears. Nothing shocked her.” She followed me into the kitchen. “You look – ravishing!” We hugged one another. but no one said anything. I went to the front door in the black pumps and slitted dress. she would cut your words. But was I going to tell Zulpha? If it weren’t for the guilt I still felt. Not bad. it was always in the neck. How’s Reza? Imran said he saw him at Century City a few weeks ago. Going a little crazy. But how can you be best friends with someone you’d betrayed?
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. and when she absolutely had to wear one. or got up to feed the cat. I liked Zulpha the best. They knew. Just what I feel like. again. then Garaatie called. Zulpha would’ve been my best friend. Don’t you remember? It was a present from Rhoda.” She stood back and looked at me.” “My thirtieth birthday. “That dress must be from the seventies. you would talk to her about something. he looked thin. or she wore a turban. “I was thinking of you this morning. “Having some fun.twenty-first birthday. eh?” “I like it. You know Garaatie and her stories. On the tray were two small pots. “What’s going on?” she asked. or do this or that. She always interrupted you and in some way trivialised your story. and thought I’d come and visit you. my hair had dried like this. of course. there was no scarf. Hot custard and stewed prunes. still in the black pumps and the satin dress. Of my two sisters. Toeghieda. But I’m okay. and right in the middle of your sentence.” “How’re you?” she asked. I had never discussed Reza with my sisters. But even at forty-three. I brought something for us to eat. “Ya Allah!” she exclaimed when she saw me. and say to her husband. “Good. “Thanks.” I sat down.” “And the hair? Did you have it done?” It was my turn to laugh. and put the tray on the table. don’t forget to call so and so. and when she listened to you. I washed it. a shocking pink organza with a bow that took your breath away. “No. By the time she was finished. laughing suddenly. And you? Have you lost weight?” “A little. or she fiddled with something.” I lifted the lids to look inside. Toeghieda completely avoided asking about him.

“Does he have a good doctor?” “Yes. It was almost twenty years ago when it all happened. When Imran saw him he still looked good.” Right there I wanted to burst out and tell her what a rotten sister I’d been. I knew of the miscarriages and the fertility pills. That I’d taken from her. but I’m so busy with my own life. “He’s coming here this afternoon. I’m here. But I could never tell her. and was engaged to a builder.” “I know it’s easy for me to talk. It’s not right. when a child dies it’s much worse. The twins had played cricket in the yard and smashed one of the windows. I’d just been deserted the year before. and that even now.” I had met Imran once or twice. “I come here with custard. is as clear as if it had happened yesterday. “You must be strong for him. It’s not in the order of things for a child to go before the parents.The words came out on their own. He came to visit Zulpha on Wednesday nights and Sunday afternoons. don’t forget. I’ve hardly come to see what’s going on with you. I’ve never said it out loud. I console myself. Zulpha. Her sleek black hair tickled my cheek.” She looked at me. He’s on medication.” she said. I was vulnerable.” She held me tighter.” Zulpha offered. I was young. And he’s so young. On Saturday nights they
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. “He has Aids. the man who shared her bed. and it will come to you. carried me around in his heart.” she said. I know it’s not going to be easy. “I’m not a mother. Not even the next day’s promised to us. “Reza’s dying. You’ve always stood by and toughed it out with your kids. She smelled like spring flowers. I imagine. “Oh no. fine. and said. Remember what Booia always used to tell us? He said we only have the moment. “Oh. my sister. “I can ask Imran if he can fix your window. But he’s very thin. My son’s gay.” she said. She had no children of her own. Ask. I had to live with the shame of my past. Zulpha was still living at home.” “I know.” “How do you accept it when it’s a child? A parent can’t bury a child.” “He’s gay. but the memory of the pain never died.” she said. You must ask for strength. “But I know how I felt when Mummy died.” She came and put her arms around me. Her teeth sparkled white against her dark skin. How it all started. I mentioned it to my mother and my sisters during Sunday lunch when we all got together.” I said.

dressed in a blue shirt and jeans. and said six words at the end. The baby was in my arms. and cut close to the scalp.” he said.” I said. “Really?” “I need a bigger place than this one. and use the rent money as a down payment towards purchasing the house. You know how they accumulate things. I have to look for a job closer to the house. but I hated the smell of the house. “I liked the garden and the back yard. He took measurements of the window and said he would come back the next day to fit it.
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. shirt sleeves rolled up. Imran wasn’t a talker. listening to me. Everything’s got that musty smell about it. The good thing about it is that the owners are leaving for England and are prepared to rent it to me for two years.” “I went with Beeda two weeks ago to sign the papers. off Kromboom Road. strong brown arms.” Zulpha said. His hair was curly.” He had an easy smile. I can’t afford it right now. was leaning against the kitchen sink. Zulpha and Imran turned up at my house. but it needs work.went out. Tall. and my mother was strict on how often a boy could come and sit the seats warm. He was only twenty-six. It was probably the first time I really looked at him. And they’re old people living there. lean. He had piercing brown eyes. I’ll also have to think of something extra to do to bring in some money. you mean?” “Yes. “Who’s going to do the work?” he asked. getting his last bottle before being put in his crib for the night. We had tea in the kitchen while my son Zane put his twin brothers to bed. Are there carpets?” he asked me. I saw what the attraction was for my sister. and two of the rooms are nice and big. He listened. “The house I found is a nice house. There are oak floors underneath.” Imran. bricklayers and carpenters working for him. I just have to get into the house first. I could never afford to get a house otherwise. and had a habit of looking at you intently. “Yes. “Smells are easy to get rid of. “Beeda’s moving to Rondebosch East at the end of the month. “The work at the house. “A fresh coat of paint.” “No one. On the following Wednesday night.” Zulpha said. but had a team of labourers. But the smell will be gone once the carpets are pulled up. I didn’t know if he was offering. My father had died already by this time. he assessed.

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.” And so it started. after some weeks of coming on his own to do work on the house. I was in the main bedroom with the baby. At the end of the month Zulpha and Imran and two of Imran’s friends helped me move. They sell things to eat there for the customers. like that. I’ll also see if I can get orders for you at the office.” he said. I didn’t have money to give Imran’s friends. By my third week in the house. When Reza was old enough he would be either with his twin brothers or with Zane – whoever was going to make the least fuss about it. which would be done last. “See if I can help you with anything. The most important thing was to get the children settled in their own rooms. It takes all bladdy day. The furniture was stacked in the living room. They have auctions once a week. We laughed. I was surprised that she would suggest such a thing. and then he looked away. I was getting used to Imran dropping by during the day. Let me see the place first. and then we looked at each other. What do you have to lose? And you can make pies. “Pies?” I said.” she said. but baked a hundred mince pies a week later and had Imran deliver it to them. or had a spare hour to quickly strip the wallpaper in the back room. He was either at a job up the road and could easily drop by. The boys slept in one room while the second room was being stripped and prepared. The twins would share and Zane would be in the other room. I noticed a strain between us. One afternoon. “Yes. And I would be at home looking after my own baby and be there when my sons came home from school. I didn’t know how much stuff I had until it all stood out on the lawn waiting to be loaded onto the vans. I’ve been to one of those. “You can sell it at Cars 4U where you worked. “We’ll talk about it. He had finished varnishing the skirting boards. Innocently.And it’s got the most beautiful wooden window frames and oak doors. or seal up some of the nail holes the previous owners had made in the walls.” “How much will you charge?” I asked. watching some birds flittering about in the trees. can you believe it?” “I can come and have a look. Zulpha suggested that I bake pies for a living. They came with two open vans and made three trips. I dismissed it.” She was right. I felt something flit through me. and was having a sandwich with me. They’ve painted over it. When I still hadn’t found work and a babysitter after a month. We were sitting on the top step of the stoep in the backyard.

If I could get extra orders and earn two hundred rand a week. it will all happen. Maybe she’ll have customers for you too. “go to the bookshop. I called my old boss at Cars 4U and told him what I was trying to do. What does she mean by fancy?” “I don’t know. You’ll come up with other ideas too. I didn’t allow myself to get excited. The support my ex-husband paid just covered that and the electricity bill. after expenses. What about rooties? Some mince rooties would be nice. He hadn’t told me yet what he was going to charge me for all the work he’d done. I told Zulpha and Imran about my success at Cars 4U when they came to visit me the following Wednesday night.” one of them said. buy a cake
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.” she said. but it weighed on my mind that I owed him. I had to get the orders first.” “Oh my word. “but lekker. I could pay for food and clothing and school things. but that Carol in the office was planning her mother’s thirtieth wedding anniversary. But think of something you can make. and left there feeling on top of the world.” I said. “Two hundred! That’s great. and lots of meat. I sold the pies for seventy-five cents. Not bad money for those days.” “Don’t worry about the numbers. not margarine. then I can tell her. I started with a hundred pies. worrying all the way in my Volkswagen Beetle whether I’d made too many. was fifty rand.” “And she wants to know if you also make fancy cakes. I used real butter. already working out in my head how much flour and ground beef I would have to buy. and perhaps even save two or three hundred rand. I said yes.” “I’ll see. He was encouraging and told me I could come and set up for the auction on Wednesday.“I’d have to sell a helluva lot of pies for it to be worth it. She said that she didn’t know if there was enough business at her office to warrant a trip all the way to town to sell fifteen pies. My rent for the house was six hundred rand a month. My profit. But people sampled my pies. And there was also Imran. and wanted two hundred.” I decided to give the pies a try. And Mummy can maybe even help you if you get really busy. “The pies are expensive.” “You know what you do. Zulpha was thrilled that it had worked out for me. and every last one was sold.” Imran said. “Just start. The pie idea had worked. Mummy can look after Reza when you take the pies away. Or she can sit with him in the car. You’ll see.

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. He drowned at sea when I was ten years old.” I agreed. and standing in a hot kitchen all day rolling out pastry wasn’t fun if you still had to do the cleaning up afterwards.” I said. “I’m engaged to your sister.” I liked his idea.” “We haven’t really talked about anything. On the day of the anniversary party. I had everything ready for Carol at six o’clock when she collected the order. you get a helper. My mother gave me the right upbringing – so she says. and doing things out of books.” “I’m not losing time. one specialising in chocolate delights. “I like what you did with the boys’ rooms. And I liked reading. and how you used to hate it when he woke you up at faj’r. One afternoon I was making tea for Imran to have with his sandwiches he’d brought from home. The twins’ room and Zane’s room were finished. Two days later I got the order from Carol for five cakes. but today you don’t miss any of your salaahs. I have people working at the site. how strict he was.” he said smiling. and Zulpha took a slice with her to the office on Monday.” “You did a lot of work. My father was a trawler. We can be friends. I’ll make one for us for Saturday. Washing and ironing for five people was a lot of work. pick one that looks really fancy. I had never made an éclair in my life.” I said. The next day I went out and bought three books on cakes. but said yes. “It’s your time. “And when you get really busy. I could add my own touch to it. and looked really nice. We talked the other day about your father.recipe book. then make one here for us to try out. I made a sample white chocolate one for us to try out on the weekend. It can’t be for nothing.” “Nothing.” “We have. I like talking to you. I made two hundred and seventy five rand that weekend. I got a lastminute call from Carol asking if I could also make fifty chocolate éclairs. “I’ll do that.” “Really?” “Yes. I called my mother.” Zulpha had more ideas. as well as the two hundred pies. You need one anyway with four children.” he said. It was helpful to me to hear something like that. who agreed to help me if I picked her up. “You haven’t told me yet what all this is going to cost me. “but I didn’t have that father thing in my life. I’m an only child.

I didn’t pray at all. I had no feeling.” “Do you think so?” “Of course. “You obviously still think of him. It was hard for me. You think stupid things like that. He didn’t die. are you angry with me? Why are you angry with me? What have I done that you’re angry with me?’ Even then. And of course. And I was angry with God. Yet it was something I couldn’t answer with complete honesty. in a new house. “How do you know?” “I don’t. But here I am. What was there to be thankful for? What prayer could get my life back to the way it had been? Reza was born and I became worse. I started to neglect my prayers. He never let go of me.” My tale surprised him. and that I’d loved him. “You have a sense of humour. clumsy and overweight. I was so hurt. I’d thought Braima had loved me. Anyway. Think about it. I make faj’r and maghrib.” He looked at me directly. and he was leaving me. I decided to go back on the mat.I’m not firm in my salaah.” “She was pregnant too. ‘God.”
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. Besides. I still feel a little pang when I remember how he left me. “You’re a good person. especially when Braima left. I don’t think I was in love. There I was. I missed my little communications. I’ve seen his wife. And the fact that you’re aware of it. When it blew up in my face. I couldn’t take the responsibility.” He laughed. I’d thought that what we’d had was enough. which would’ve been traumatic enough. as if the prayers are for God and not for you. and I still don’t know why Braima left me. but that’s only two out of five.” he said. I started to feel guilty. but I don’t need to understand it any more. excited about my future. but not like before. Three children. It was like I was challenging God to punish me further. a year later. I’m not violent in my thoughts like before. There was something missing in my life. If I tell you how neglectful I’ve been.” “Did you love him?” It was something I’d thought about many times. He left me for another woman. you won’t believe it. that’s how reckless I was. But God had his hand on my shoulder.” “Better than nothing. God doesn’t answer with words. “I was comfortable.” “Yes. It’s easy talking to you. but you’re good to me. The edge is off. nine months pregnant. but she lost the baby. I said.

A Friday was my mother’s day at my house now. When I returned from my deliveries at about three.
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. Friday was the best day for this. “Yes. “Is Mummy okay?” I asked. I went inside and put it under my pillow.” Imran said. I was a very fashionable girl. “That’s good. What was it? An invoice for the work he’d done? But I knew from his whole manner. “I was just going to leave. handing me a piece of paper folded into a small square. and I walked him out to the van. I parked my Beetle behind the white bakkie and went inside. Thanks. My mother complained and said the things mothers had to. “Don’t read it now. He and Zulpha didn’t turn up on the Wednesday night or the weekend either. if you’re not busy. and I took her home.” I said. He opened the door and turned to me. when I went to Cars 4U to deliver. I felt a bit tight in the chest earlier on.” He called my mother mummy already. He was inside the house with my mother who’d been looking after Reza while I was gone. and my own reaction. Only the kitchen had to be painted. After my father died. I’ll be so glad when the kitchen’s done. The work on my house was nearly complete. I noticed my mother looked a bit pale. I looked at the thick square in my palm.” She was a handsome woman for forty-seven.” “I don’t bake on Sundays. but Friday was jum’ah prayers. “I came by to tell you that I’ll do the kitchen on Sunday. I paid no attention. and a short day for those who went to mosque. that it was a letter to me.I didn’t see Imran for a week after that conversation.” he said. I can still remember on that specific day wearing jeans and a T-shirt. I saw Imran’s bakkie in the driveway. My mother helped with the baking and the rooties that were now also on my list. taking the baby from her.” He said goodbye to my mother. Zulpha dropped her off at seven-thirty in the morning on her way to work. and that had to be done on a day when I wasn’t busy with pies. I would read it that evening after my children were in bed and I had the house to myself. I started to wear stovepipes and sleeveless dresses and this didn’t change even after I got married. I went back to the kitchen. I knew what I looked like in jeans and a T-shirt with my long hair trailing down my back. but I’m fine now. My heart pounded. but had asthma and had had one or two serious attacks in the past. “Mummy made me some tea.

” “What does that mean?” “Your sister hasn’t had a turn yet. but she hasn’t been lucky with men. I just put petrol in the car. satisfied that things were going well for me.” I looked at her. then looked at me in that way that told me she knew she was treading on dangerous ground. I would like her to have a chance. He slept while you were away. Ma? Say it. the forlorn way she sat with her head bowed. “Zulpha’s never been married. “Imran didn’t visit Zulpha on Wednesday night. Already my mother was making her plea for Zulpha. He’s here a lot.” I relaxed.” she said. “I can see far.“Where’s Mummy’s pump?” “It’s in my bag. looking down at her hands.” “Good. Maybe he said something to you. Braima came to see the children last night and paid their support. She suspected something. my girl.” That explained why I hadn’t seen them. I hadn’t done anything. He hasn’t called. Zulpha’s a good child. “And Mummy thinks I have something to do with that? What is this all about. “Was Reza cranky?” I asked. They make a good couple. He only woke up about half an hour ago.” I would like her to have a chance. Did you sell everything?” “Everything. What? It was hard to be honest with
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. “And Imran. “I’m not accusing you of anything.” she said out of the blue. I didn’t even know what was in the letter. “You’ve got four children already. Where’s Mummy going with this?” She turned her face away from me. He’s hard working.” She turned to me with a worried frown on her brow. don’t worry. I stopped at the agent’s office on my way home and paid the rent. do you think he’s good for Zulpha?” “Of course. “No. But it was news to me that there was a break in communication. I’m just asking. “what do you think of him?” “What does Mummy mean?” “I mean. I waited for her to continue.” she said.” She was quiet for a while. respectful.” she continued.” “I don’t understand this conversation we’re having. I got to know him quite well now. “And he didn’t come on Saturday either.

I didn’t talk much. as I knew vinegar doesn’t mix well with oil. Mom?” “What are you doing?” “I’m studying. I stared after him. He had a lot of chores for a nineyear-old. and give him his supper. I had felt it and smelled it. I have to get this all done and baked by seven.myself. “Yes.
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. My children arrived home from school. I had felt it in the way he took care always not to stand too close or to stare. I got out the rolling pin and the pastry from the fridge. I unfolded the paper. I knew that Imran was attracted to me. Mothers could indeed see around the bend when it came to their children. I didn’t want my sister to be hurt. I made Reza’s last bottle for the night. I sat down on the edge of the bed and took out the folded note from under my pillow.” “I want you to change Reza’s nappy. I had known before getting the letter. I thought of what my mother had said about Imran not seeing Zulpha. The house had quieted down. written on it. The feeling is one of lightheadedness. I have exams on Monday. It was a page torn out of an exercise book. or from the way he worked vigorously with his sandpaper or paints not looking at me. handwritten. I was disturbed to hear it. The body speaks. I had two hundred pies to get ready by seven o’clock.” He put down the book and went to fetch Reza. When I returned home after dropping her off. My mother’s words had unsettled me. “Zane!” I called out to my nine-year-old son. I didn’t turn down orders. After the pies had been collected that evening and the children had been washed and fed and put to bed. He came out with a textbook in his hand. You know when something like that is happening to you. feeling bad that I gave him so much to do. I don’t have time now to feed him. For my friend. no matter how fatigued I was. I looked at the small square. But deep down I knew. The brain is on a long break. Mash the carrots and potatoes in the small pot. As I rolled and cut out circles of dough. I started to sprinkle flour on the pastry sheet. with the words. No words need to be spoken. An old Dinah Washington tune was playing softly on the radio in the living room. I piled them all in the car and drove my mother home. and put a little mince with it. and put him down in his crib.

Abeeda. I didn’t know this until I was about sixteen or seventeen. I can’t sleep at night. I would never talk about it. My other struggle is a new one. I was stunned. I am more shocked than you. I’ve tried. Don’t be shocked. and promised that whatever it was. And I can’t get it out of my head – her with another man. I would’ve told you in person if I had the courage. He couldn’t say if what he was about to tell me had anything to do with it. I treat my mother with respect. We had talked about mothers and fathers. Imran
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. I’m engaged to one sister. I went to see one of the men at his house. and have fallen in love with the other. but my father had caught my mother with another man just a week earlier. This is my struggle. Probably you are shocked that I am writing you this letter. and I feel bad about it. and just stepped off. he told me. but I don’t. They were far out in the ocean. My father had climbed up onto the edge of the boat. Eventually. and give her everything she needs. I’ll see you on Sunday to finish your kitchen.Abeeda. and were heading back as there was a fierce gale and the sea had turned rough. Every living moment I think of you. remember? I told you that my father had drowned when I was ten years old. They reported to the captain that he had fallen in. but I find myself being short with my mother. and met two of the fishermen my father had trawled with. He and my father had been friends. I talked to someone about it once. He told me it’s in the past and to let it go. A terrible thing happened a long time ago and I thought I would share it with you. My father had committed suicide. I begged him to tell me anything he could remember about my father. and my mother did take the best care of me. but she robbed me of my father. I wanted to know why. He did drown. Abeeda. but what I didn’t tell you was that my father had jumped off the boat.

I would’ve cancelled the supper and spent time with Rhoda. that Rhoda had called Garaatie. He won’t tell me. and not me. but I had no feeling for it. She called me at five-thirty this morning. She had a stroke right on the muslah. There were two tickets. I popped in at the supermarket to pick up some items for Ramadan. But what was I to do now? There was this gambling thing between us.T
he morning after Zulpha’s visit to my house.” “And Rhoda’s son?” “Shafiq’s in Australia. he stopped his salaah to see what was wrong.” “Oh my word. They’re waiting for Shehnaz’s son. rates and taxes. she fell sideways. She called him.” “What?” Shehnaz was Rhoda’s only sister. But she couldn’t answer him. but there was now also a death. I couldn’t get away earlier. His flight’s getting in at twelve. And Rhoda?” “Rhoda’s taking it hard. I’m on my way there now. I wanted to know whom the other ticket was for. Under different circumstances. or buy food with it. but would use it to pay my electricity. He lifted her up and put her on the bed and called Dr Salie. I went to the bank and deposited the money I’d won a few days ago. “What happened?” “She and Moegsien got up at four. He said when he called the doctor. I had a helluva thing here with Mahmood.
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. I put it in a special account. Shehnaz died this morning.” My head spun with questions. Prepare yourself. or even use it towards my son’s medication. When she was down with her forehead on the ground. I found the airline stuff for his trip to Malaysia scheduled for after Ramadan. It was interesting. The janazah’s at two o’clock. I couldn’t go to Mecca with it. “Beeda. I had also asked Reza and Patrick to come and have supper with me that evening. Moegsien got such a fright. Taliep. She was forty-two. Anyway. which would start in two days’ time. And so young. I got a call from Garaatie. They made salaah together. to come down from Jo’burg. it’s bad news. I thought. After the bank. she was gone already. enough about that.

Amina Toufie. and the well-known toekamandie. you saw Amina. Zaitoon and Gafsa. then went to sit on a bench next to another friend. Her eyes were red.” “Yes. women who prepared the kafan – the white linen cloth – cut the linen strips. In a way. the face and the hair.” she said. phone friendships were less toxic. It can happen to any one of us. Things had to be all right again between him and Gafsa. I hadn’t seen Nabeweya since she’d had her uterus out four months earlier. but she seemed strong. Life is short. her daughters. One thing about death – someone died in the morning. and sectioned the cottonwool to be flattened on the inside of the burial garment. Toeghieda had washed the right side. .
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. I noted who they were. and an hour later you saw people you hadn’t seen in ages. Nabeweya. “It’s a big shock. and distance worked wonders. The toekamandie had done the private parts and the loosening of the joints and the feet. Anywhere you saw death. I hadn’t spoken to Rhoda so I didn’t know the latest news. When the time came to put our mother in the kafan – quite a maneuver as the body had to be rolled on its side while the kafan was slid in underneath – I slipped the little ring my mother had given to me when I was a child under the covers and put it under her hand. and gave my condolences. but we kept in touch on the telephone.” I said. She was squeamish and hadn’t been able to participate when her aunt died. “She was alive when I lifted her up onto the bed. I noticed Muhaimin also in the crowd. I had washed my own mother. her eyes opened for a moment. What can we do? She was so young. Rhoda. and listened to him tell a friend how his wife had stood next to him on her muslah that morning. I went up to Moegsien. She came with a crew of toekamandies.I arrived at the janazah just as the toekamandies came out of the room. We take so much for granted. There were fears and tears. “but it’s Allah’s Will.” I sympathised with all the members of the family. prostrated herself before God. But it was good to see her again. I wondered how Rhoda had fared in the room. It was our first meeting since the casino. she’s never been sick. There was nothing in her demeanor to indicate that there was anything wrong between us.” I went over to Zaitoon and Gafsa. But I knew when I set her down . I went up to Rhoda and consoled her. . then she slipped away.” “You have to be strong. Zulpha had done the left. and collapsed. but a janazah was also a social event. I thought. “She was a good sister.

People started to file into the room where the mayyit was. then I almost choked on a piece of potato pudding when she leaned close and whispered in a conspiratorial tone that she’d heard I’d been to the casino with Rhoda. that she behaved as if nothing had happened between us. I knew I was going to see and be seen. to pay their last respects. I saw everyone who arrived.“How are the boys. Finally. She was a big woman with wheezing problems and gasped a little when she talked. and came to greet me.” She looked at me. The astounding thing about Rabia. “Thank you. Braima. wrapped African fashion. From where I sat in the corner facing the door. came to sit next to me at the table in the lounge. She had her fingers on a piece of grisly meat. Zainap. and had on the robe with the gold trim I’d bought in Mecca years ago.” she said. “Everywhere I look. I greeted her back. You too. and his wife. The wailing got louder. An acquaintance. You just don’t want to tell me. They would walk with the mayyit to the St Athan’s Road Mosque. No one asked.” “Bull dust. Braima’s unmarried sisters. “I can’t remember. Shariefa. Beeda?” she asked. and their wives. the kitchen got busy. is that she was so thick-skinned. And they’re all well. “Mummy looks nice. The imam arrived and the proceedings got underway. “How’d you hear that?” I asked. I stood with my daughters-in-law and watched the men file slowly out of the house.” “Alhamdu lilah.” she said. Rabia saw me next to Nabeweya. My ex-husband. and I give her credit for this. the men lifted up the mayyit and put it on the bier. Rugaya and Jaweier. crying into a handkerchief. Lamb curry and rice and milk tart were served. My scarf was black silk. Rhoda’s relatives. He’s doing well. You know. “I just heard you were there. For a few minutes we bemoaned the fugitive nature of life and the suddenness of Shehnaz’s passing. then go by transport to the cemetery. with a narrow gold twine weaved in between the folds.” She was friendly and endearing and calling me mummy. My sons. I see Zane has another shop opening. I had taken care with my appearance. and a lot of other people I knew. She didn’t ask about Reza. When the men were gone. trying to bite around the fat.” But it didn’t
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. Rhoda stood with her daughters at the head of the katel. Neighbours and friends.

It lets you get away with things. “Everyone who goes there says they go for the restaurants. and I dared it. you give them all the ammunition just to see how dead they’ll shoot you. it was dangerous.” I looked at the spot of grease on my hand where she’d tapped it. yes. Spreading stories about other people. they can tell you they can’t live a moment without you. and that shuts everyone up. We had met many times before at my sons’ functions. What had she really taken? A man who was there to be had. “It’s haraam. and moved it around the plate with her fingers to soak up the last juices. I’d long ago forgiven her for taking my husband. leaving her staring after me. but didn’t have my figure. Shariefa. and said hello to Zainap.” I got up with my plate. and would go to pieces if anything happened to you. You just say you’re a sinner. They can promise undying love. I don’t know how they get
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. “There’re lots of things that are haraam. I could hear the imams on their mimbars talking with fresh gusto about the evils of gambling. “So have you?” On the wind was her favourite getaway. The Qur’an isn’t enough for you. “I’m not as good as you.” I said. A ten thousand rand casino story would be the biggest scandal in the community. “I’ve been to the casino.” With someone like Shariefa. Men. I knew that story would travel. What concerned me. Not only gambling. I had nothing against her. And in Shariefa’s hands. was that the story was out. But I think you like calling yourself that.” “I go to play. “You’re not a sinner. It spared her from having to divulge her sources while she knowingly damaged a reputation. “I heard it on the wind. or to see a movie.” She smiled to let me know it was her secret. a smile that told her just how I felt. I’m a sinner. but you die tomorrow – three months later they’re married to someone else. She was younger than me. In the kitchen I helped with the drying of the dishes. She gave a breathless little laugh. I got over Braima ages ago.” I smiled at her.matter. Shariefa. are different from women. Fitnah’s a big one. you know. I can tell you. She had a small mound of rice left.” She hit my hand playfully. Remember what Jesus said about casting stones?” “What?” “Read the Bible. Shariefa. my spirit or my flair.

giving both of them a big hug. and a few more. Sadia played Scrabble at a Claremont club. My mother told my father. They believe entirely in this human being who’s promised a lifetime of happiness. Luckily. On Sunday afternoons. and sometimes I have to go by the mole on the left cheek to know who I was talking to. and a slightly Javanese look. They’ve got this huge lay-by of love that’s got to be very carefully laid to rest.”
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. They’re identical twins. It was a second date with Braima on the back seat of his blue Citroën that got me facing an imam after the doctor told my mother why I was vomiting every morning. They were pretty sisters in their early thirties. When the human being fails. I love men and love being in their company. On Saturday mornings. but I know two men who’ve done that. not one of my sons had to face the imam this way. Women don’t do this. and hold nothing in reserve. They’re not in a rush to get over it.it right in their heads. and they picked up their lives and carried on. I walked over to Sawdah and Sadia. many times I wished my life had been otherwise. until their hearts are still again. There were no discussions. Both of them worked for attorneys as legal secretaries. A woman’s sorrow is a last act of loyalty. they look at his failings and not at their own desperate need to be loved. But women are fools also. the imam sommer came one time and performed the nikkah. “They’re in the new after-care program at school. and Sawdah did the same for her. who promptly called up Braima’s parents who ordered their son to do the right thing. Sawdah gave classes in floral arrangements and silk painting. They find out for the first time that no one can love them until they’ve done the job themselves. After the hundred nights. They nurture the past. I was fortunate that Munier and Marwaan had found such wonderful girls. “They’re there until six. I just don’t want to be contracted to one again.” Sadia answered. They go through all five stages of grief. I watched Sawdah and Sadia set out plates for the men who would soon return from the cemetery. They give too much of themselves. My children had done better than me in choosing a partner. and Sadia looked after the children. an expression of love for the man who’d once shared her life. They can’t deal with sitting alone at the breakfast table or creeping alone into bed. Many. with slanted eyes. But then I hadn’t really come to marriage in the ordinary way. Women light candles and listen to music to help them cry. They talk to a friend. That’s not to say that I have no longings. “Where are my favourite granddaughters?” I asked.

“I haven’t heard from you either. Iftaar dinner’s at my house. “Take care of yourselves and keep strong.” “How can we forget?” Sawdah said. I found Rhoda with her daughters in the room where the mayyit had been. I entered the casino. I was supposed to go left on Kromboom Road and then turn right down one of the avenues to my house. I’ll tell Mummy when it’s on so Mummy can come too. Auntie.” Zaitoon reminded. greeting people as I went along. “I haven’t heard from you. They were turning six during Ramadan. All four of them are going to be in their first school play. “I have to go. I parked in the lot. except their cousin. I have people coming for supper this evening. I have Reza coming for supper. Firdous and Zuraida. Both Munier and Marwaan had a set of twins.” I said. At Klipfontein Road I made a right and headed towards Vanguard Drive. Shaheed. Don’t forget Saturday night.” Huda and Rushda were Munier and Sawdah’s children. You keep well.” I said. “I don’t believe in little children going to funerals. And tell Huda and Rushda that I haven’t forgotten what day the 23rd is. but was driving all the way down to Klipfontein Road. Marwaan’s girls. The four girls moved in a pack and allowed no one into their circle.” Sawdah laughed.” Rhoda walked me out to the gate.“Is it safe to leave them there for so long? They’re girls. I drove down Belgravia Avenue and realised that I was going the wrong way.” “I’m glad you didn’t bring them here. On the following Saturday nights.” I said. I had three hundred rand. I was coming from a funeral and heading straight to Auntie.” “Are you all right?” “I’m as all right as all right can be. Beeda.” “It’s safe. Thanks. “I won’t. I also have some other things to do. Kiss them for me.” “Don’t forget the seven nights.” she said. glancing at
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. “And they have friends there. took a hundred rand and left it under the mat in my car for petrol. were seven months older. “Is Mummy going already?” “Yes. It was customary during Ramadan for the family to come over on the first Saturday evening of the holy month to break their fast at my house. I said goodbye and went looking for Rhoda. they all took a turn inviting the family to come and eat with them. I hugged each of them in turn.

I walked quickly out to the parking lot for the hundred rand I’d left in the car. You’ve got to get back what you’ve lost. “Thank you. It was five o’clock. Within twenty minutes. I found myself at the ATM machine withdrawing three hundred rand. One hundred for petrol. On and on I blamed myself. including the petrol money. I had an hour for a quick smoke and a play before I had to go home and prepare supper. Cut your losses and go home.” Patrick handed me a bunch of sunflowers. Desperation takes hold of you.” Patrick added. It’s supposed to increase your energy. Beeda. I had no money left.” he said. Go home. “Not a problem. Tomorrow’s another day. I was filled with recrimination. “I’m a little late with supper. Money I could’ve used towards a gym membership. “How’re you? You look tired. I went to the ladies room. I took care not to squeeze him. By the time I finally stopped playing. I’d lost one thousand four hundred rand. and was just putting the potatoes into the pot when the Golf pulled into the driveway and Reza and Patrick appeared at the back door. There I sat with my bag on my lap in the small cubicle looking into the empty wallet. “Two of our friends
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. I’ve just started to take them.” “I am a little.my watch. I need something right now to cheer me up.” I turned back to Reza. I tried a different machine. Reza and Patrick were going to be at my house at seven. But back I went to the ATM machine for one more try. It took the whole hundred.” “Reza must open his mind to it. I was late getting home.” he said.” I said. and two hundred to play with. At five-thirty I had lost it all. “To keep you in smiles. He was so thin. I went to a different location on the floor and tried the machines there. but I’m taking these new vitamins. Money I could’ve used to pay my rates and telephone account. I glanced at my watch. “Mummy?” I went forward and hugged him. sitting down. Money I could’ve given to feed the poor.” “Can these vitamins cure you?” “Some people swear by it. “We had some paw-paw before coming here. and I’d lost six hundred now. asking myself over and over how I could’ve done such a thing.

” “Who?” Reza asked. your brothers and their wives.” he said. “So? How’s Mrs A?” “Fine. Do you remember Shariefa? One of the spinster sisters?” “The one who had the disappointment with that man from Jordan?” he asked. It was a warm evening. but he had on a shirt. She’s never been sick.” “Frequented?” “Don’t worry about it. Shehnaz. Mummy.” “That’s naughty.” “My. a jersey.” he hugged his jacket about him.” I noticed Reza’s clothing. “What did they say?” “Rabia told them that you frequented the casino. A friend of mine died at dawn this morning. but was beginning to believe that everyone knew what had happened. and a windbreaker.” “How old was she?” “Forty-two. of a stroke. and Rhoda won.” “How tragic. It was nice. “she’s not one of your fans. I remember her. Reza must give it time. and didn’t want him hearing it from someone else. “That’s her claim to fame. “I also heard the story.” “I know. “This afternoon I sat for a bit on the balcony in the sun. It was a total shock to everyone. she’d heard that I’d been to the casino. and just had to let me know that she knew. and now the two of you are bad friends. “Anyway.” Patrick changed the subject.” I don’t know why I brought it up with my son. how things go around.” I laughed. Your father and Zainap. But apparently something about a machine that you or Rhoda had played on.” I laughed. I was at a funeral today. Were there lots of people?” “Yes.” he laughed. “Yes. that he was a Jordanian. Do you want to hear what happened?” “Tell us. Actually. “Rhoda’s sister. and saw a way to stay in the country. Patrick and I can do with a good story. We’ve had bad news all
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. “Are you cold?” I asked. he came knocking on the door selling tablecloths.have been positive for more than five years. They’re taking a lot of alternative medicines and vitamins. “You did? How?” “Munier and Marwaan visited the other night.” I was surprised that the twins had discussed me. But now I feel cold again. They’re still going strong. “Yes.

She should’ve given you half the money. A friend of thirty years. she only has twenty rand. She didn’t say one word to me about what she’d just done. In fact.” “What? That’s not fair!” Patrick exclaimed. “What happened next?” “That’s just it. She insisted on playing on my machine. She took all of it in a cheque.” “You’re joking!” “I’m not. We’ve just had our documentary on the teen mothers in the Cape Flats rejected.” Reza spoke for the first time. “Once every two weeks or so. I acted like nothing had happened. and was just sticking my card for three quick hits into the machine next to it.” Reza said. So I let her. But we’re taking it overseas. she’s the one who first took me there. well. and she knows it. Mummy. I told her I had pumped money into that machine and was still playing there.” I lied. She insisted on playing on your machine.” “Okay. “The first time I went I won four thousand five hundred.” I continued my lying. “But that’s a bit regular. don’t you think? How much do you play with?” “A hundred rand. I was playing on a machine and took my card out for a moment to stick it into the machine next to me when all of a sudden she asked if she could borrow my card and play on my machine. Nothing. “I don’t see anything wrong with it now and again. She only came along to watch and only had twenty rand. Tell us the story.” “She doesn’t go any more. It gets more interesting. Rhoda never wanted to play. I never even knew we had a casino in Cape Town.” “Garaatie gambles? Good grief.” “Believe it.” “For damn sure. First. When I saw her today at the funeral.week.” “I don’t believe it.” Reza got up and took a glass from the cupboard and poured some
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. I didn’t want to be mean.” “I know. Garaatie was with me. Do you go often?” Patrick asked. “That would’ve been the fair thing to do – even though you let her play on the machine. and thought.” “The one you worked on so hard?” “Yes. but something did.” “That’s what I also think.” “Money brings out the worst in people. She stuck the card in and on the first hit won ten thousand rand. She only went two or three times.

” “This year I want you to also be here.” I said. “You know everyone’s coming over the first Saturday night in Ramadan for iftaar?” “I know. No one will know what to say. and I don’t want you to worry about me. Look what it did to your friendship with Rhoda. Gambling’s not good for the soul. Munier and Marwaan come to the flat.” “You haven’t met my eldest brother.” I smiled. And it’s almost ready.” “But Mummy knows what it’ll be like sitting at the table with all of them.” “What?” “And I want Patrick to come too. “I like you to be happy. Reza tore off a piece of rootie and dipped it into the sauce on his plate and tasted it. this is good.” He turned to Patrick.” He came to stand next to me at the stove and put his arm around me. I’m glad you have friends and go out to the movies and have fun. I can stop any time I wish.” “I agree. It’ll be awkward and uncomfortable. “Mmm. “But it’s not a danger to me. You don’t want it contaminating your life. It’ll spoil everyone’s evening. “Well. Patrick? Chicken? Breyani? I smell coriander. But you know the pitfalls of gambling.” “Okay.” “I know. What do you think it is.” I said.” “Lamb curry and rootie. You’re all alone in this house. Things are going to be different this year. Even if you’re winning. Mummy. “Yes. And his wife. “Your favourite. Now where’s that food you promised us? I didn’t even ask what you were making.” Patrick helped me set the table. And it’s dirty money. “Would you come to a dinner here with all my brothers?” Patrick finished chewing the food in his mouth.” “Mummy’s not serious?” “I am.cold water from the fridge. I’m surprised that Mummy would suggest such a thing. “I think it would be good if you also stopped. I usually come in the week.” “Thousands?” His eyes rounded in surprise. My mother really makes the best rootie. I don’t think that’s a problem.”
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. and we started to eat. I’m thousands up on the casino. So fluffy and crispy. It was always a pleasure to cook for him.

They all offered their support. “I see.” Marwaan said. not only the twins. “We just knew something was happening. “I don’t mind.“It’s up to you. “Oh Ma. Minutes later. I also brought up the subject of your medication. I told them what was happening. “My mother’s playing favourites again. I just don’t even try to explain.” “We’ll think about it. I’ll let you know.” I cleared the dishes and set out dessert bowls. I want it to end.” They kissed me and sat down. “I was just going to serve dessert. “So what if it unsettles the family? We have to start somewhere. But I had my
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.” Munier laughed.” “You talked about me?” “Yes. “How does Mummy know about my medication?” I had the good sense not to look at Patrick. You’re out of your territory. Conversation at the table turned to the American president’s preoccupation with war in Iraq. For years there’s been this separation. “You’ve timed it perfectly. I knew the arguments. Here all four of them spoke the same language. That’s how it works.” “We know when these things happen in the neighbourhood. “Aren’t you on medication? One only has to read the papers or listen to the news to know how expensive it is in South Africa. It’s a start to get the whole family together. I’ve already gone through this with my own family.” Patrick said.” He turned red. I wanted everyone to be informed.” I said. “I don’t want my presence to unsettle the family. You guys get invited for supper and we don’t.” He glanced at Patrick.” “You’re all coming on Saturday night. Your father also. “I called everyone together the other night.” I said. Bush was going to do what he wanted irrespective of world opinion. Think about it. “I’ll think about it. “You’re not in the neighbourhood.” “Talking about family. the twins came striding through the back door. I watched the news. So I don’t want you to rule out coming here. I can’t believe you did this.” Reza said.” Patrick nodded that he agreed.” I said. Ma.” The sound of a car pulling into the driveway got our attention. I read the papers. They won’t understand. I see.” “They understand better now than before.” Patrick said. I listened with half an ear.

I didn’t like hearing about this casino thing that happened with you and Auntie Rhoda.” “We don’t have to add to our sin. You and Auntie Rhoda have always been friends. And we all sin.” “I agree.” “And it goes by faster the older we get. Patrick?” Marwaan asked. I mean. It’s not like Mummy makes a habit of it. but they went out for a little jol and it didn’t turn out to be so. “Are you saying it’s all right for Mummy to go to the casino?” Munier asked. their homes.” Munier continued.marching shoes in case there was a protest. Mummy’s not a child. We all need to do that. Reza’s explained it to me. “Yes.” Reza said. And our own people are going there.” “Mummy’s only been there a few times. was the real reason my twins had come around.” “Do you know the significance of Ramadan. a chance to make real changes in our lives. “It’s not good to be seen in a place like that. Just the other day it was Ramadan. marriages are being destroyed. It’s a really good time for Muslims. Mummy. but it starts out as fun and next thing you know. Gambling takes you away from Allah. “I’ll be honest. It became more respectful. but I don’t think we should make it such a big issue.
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. I believe there’s even a bus that picks pensioners up on pension day and brings them to the casino. turned to me.” “We know you’re not a gambler.” I tried to make light of it. Tapie Salie who had a heart attack at the race track? People never stopped talking about it. “And that thing with Auntie Rhoda’s unfortunate. And how can we go and do daw’ah work and our own mother goes to a casino? You’ve been to Mecca. “So you came here to lecture your mother a bit. What I was more concerned with at that moment. This casino is the worst thing to have hit the Cape. It’s shocking what this government’s allowed. People are losing their life savings.” Munier. Mummy. that ten thousand rand story’s an ugly story.” The twins looked at him.” “Absolutely. you’re going there all the time. Why don’t we do the same with our souls?” His tone changed. We service our cars. You know the sin. The time flies. “So. People talk. “are you all ready for the big month?” “I’ve been ready for weeks. An annual spiritual overhaul. Here it is Ramadan again. It soon became apparent. Remember. “Of course not. Ma.

. I wasted no time deciding where I would play. it’s not that we didn’t . . when out came my jeans and my gold card.” I interrupted. Our children don’t know you. however. I went to another machine. Are you?” “I’m not sure. then get on after them. I had chosen a good machine and within twenty minutes had eight hundred rand on my card. My sons were hardly down the road. I believe you’re all coming for supper next Saturday?” “Yes. I’d already lost thirteen hundred rand that day and was going back. Anyway. conversation having returned once more to American politics.” He sounded easy about it.” It was close to midnight when they left. A terrible. I was up a great deal of money. Let that be a start. but they never see him. Reza’s coming to supper. It would be really nice for all of us to be together. but it was actually a sore point. I had five hundred rand and an amazing burst of energy for that time of night. I ordered a coffee with hot milk and settled down to play.They forgot about the work he did with old people in the community. You don’t bring them. “Listen. but they never forgot where he was when he died.” “That’s true. “Well.” It was an embarrassing moment. for in effect. Again I’d chosen a good one. together with the four hundred in my wallet. I can’t explain the feeling I have when I’m there – the thrill of not knowing. guys. It was hours to Ramadan. I vowed as I drove to Goodwood. getting a hit.
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. I was starting to feel tired. terrible thing. I went to the Golden Anchor. so I can take it. You don’t invite me to your homes. This time. and by one-thirty I had two thousand three hundred rand. the expectation. They know they have an Uncle Reza. amounted to twelve hundred. I’ve talked to Mummy about it. People remember what they want. I’d never deluded myself into thinking that a machine would just give and give. that it was my last time at the casino – my last throw before the holy month. I selected a machine and lit a cigarette. I got up.” I knew Reza’s feelings on the matter. “You visit me. I’m waiting for them to lose. “Whose fault is that?” he asked. something very different happened. I would choose a machine by watching people play. That. Mummy wants me to come.” “I think you should. “let’s not go off the track here. but just couldn’t tear myself away and go home.

Zane would know in the morning – it was morning already – that I had been to the casino. got nothing at all. The trick was to get on the right machine at the right time as they spun at a heck of a speed and gobbled up your money. When it arrived. I went to
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. When the money on her card was down to R56. R2 500 and R3 000 combinations daily. Johnny.” “Don’t worry. One man’s tears is another man’s cheer. I wound up at the wheel of gold machines. hey. Mary?” Johnny changed colour. Jo-Anne. These were the big gluttons on the floor. Jackpots ranged from R15 000 to R72 000. And so it goes. and asked what it was. I stuck in my card immediately after her. And that after they’d left my house discussing their sick brother just the other night. “Hello. This is .” he said. my cousin. for this time of the night?” “It is.” I said. one of Zane’s drivers. This place is busy. I’d stood behind a woman once with R1 300 on her card. I would go home and leave a winner. I opened my eyes and looked about. Was I ready to go now? If my feet carried me to the exit. Work in the morning. won R1 800. .” Hell. Within forty minutes the whole amount was gone. I lit another cigarette and relaxed back against the soft cushions.” “Okay. I saw my sons’ faces flash before me. I told myself.” “Okay. There were ten of them – five back to back – with big glittering heads. she got a spin for R25. “But I have to take Jo-Anne home now. I got such a shock. And there I was standing again at the spinnies at this ungodly hour of the morning. and the machines gave R1 000 spins and R1 500. . Hello. Mrs Ariefdien. Is this your wife. “I don’t really gamble. but I knew that that would only make matters worse. If they didn’t.” Johnny said. . going up to his table. . Jo-Anne. that was low. I saw Johnny. at the next table. looking at me. My eyes closed for a moment. Beeda. well . It was my last fling. “Are you winning tonight? Hello. My first reaction was to pretend that I hadn’t seen him.and ordered a latté. R1 800. My wallet bulged with notes. Mary. I said goodbye and walked off. I’d seen a woman order this at a machine once. which made a helluva racket when you got a spin. and on the third hit. I noticed three of the machines gave regular R100 and R200 spins. noting the woman next to him. “We come to watch. but a woman at the end with R400 on her card. I haven’t seen you.

I still didn’t worry. By the fourth hundred.” “It doesn’t have to. But stay if you want to. I know these machines.” I smiled at him and when he smiled back I noticed he had a gold tooth. “Not even a twenty or fifty. It was time for it to turn around. The machine should’ve turned long ago. Get off. It was horrible to see what happened to people’s faces as they watched other people win. Soon.” a voice said behind me. It was just after three in the morning. All around me the machines were spinning. I’m telling you. I waited. You’re on a naaier. It had taken all of the woman’s money. The amount on her card reached zero.” he laughed. I put in another. The earringed man next to her got a spin. it was going to give something. and their own money disappear. then opened her bag. Only my machine was asleep. This went as fast as the four hundred before it. The wheel of fortune machines attracted a lot of bystanders. I became aware of a woman with a flaming red bouffant behind me. I’m telling you. She would never get up. If the woman got a spin. and took out another hundred-rand note. A summary showed that the machine had paid R1 000 six hours earlier. I took a moment to take in my surroundings. She didn’t put in eight hundred.” I said. She sat for a moment staring at the machine as if waiting for something to happen. full of theories and strategies. but nothing since. Taking my own time to insert my card. and her eyes went longingly up to the wheel. I glanced at my watch. I said to myself. I took her seat. He was a gambler like me. After taking out and losing another three hundred rand. “Honestly.” What did he know. and two hundred of mine.” “Get off lady. lady.check the pay outs on the computer. I looked around to see if I could spot a waitress. When the machine took the first hundred rand. In an hour and a half it would be faj’r. and the machine turned. It has to turn. When it took that one also. I could forget it. “I watched that woman. she finally got up. waiting for me to get
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. Your machine’s paying for them. I waited to see what she would do next. This bastard’s not going to give anything until morning. I was beginning to feel a little down. then dropped again when she saw him win R1 000. I won’t watch. “The woman before me put in over eight hundred. I didn’t panic. She put in more than a thousand. I won that R64 000 jackpot the other day. I ordered another latté and lit a cigarette. “Daai machine’s af. The other machines are all paying.

You can’t describe disgust when you’re feeling it. I heard someone say “Daai vrou’s mal. Running out of money and having to get up. I won’t give you a long story about disgust. If I got up now and went home. His eyes glanced at the amount on my card. The woman with the big hair tapped me on the shoulder. The man with the gold tooth materialised out of the crowd. I still had my original five hundred that I’d come with. and because she’d been cheeky. People get edgy when they see you sitting there doing nothing. I thought. “Are you still playing here?” she asked. Maybe if I gave the machine a few minutes to cool down. a Muslim woman. I would get a big combination and go home. “Anything?” he asked. But how could I and let someone else have all the money I’d pumped into the machine? This was the heartbreaking part.
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. eight hundred. my luck would change. I had dared to look in my wallet. I asked the man with the gold tooth if he would mind sitting in my seat while I went to the ladies room. That decided me. The machine gobbled that up also. I returned to the machine after a few minutes. I was losing at a reckless rate. And another. When I’d lost a thousand rand. How about you?” “I won twelve hundred at the Cash Attack. But. I sat back in my seat and dared anyone behind me to ask if I was finished playing. Not one spin. I took out another. Determination to get my money back urged me on. but wouldn’t get up. How could a machine be so absolutely relentless and give you nothing? Twenty minutes later.up. That’s it for me. and on top of it. Wie’t jy hoeveel het sy ingesit?” That woman’s mad. I took another hundred-rand note out of my purse. Do you know how much she’s put in? I didn’t turn around to look. I looked around for a waitress. it would turn around. Surely. “Yes. They want you to get up so they can have a go. and counted only five hundred rand remaining. I’d given the machine one thousand. Are you getting up?” This was the big question. “Nothing. I ignored her.” She gave me a nasty look. I was too embarrassed. I wouldn’t have lost any of my own money – just what I’d won. He was only too happy to oblige and tell everyone around him how he’d won the jackpot of R64 000 and paid off his bond. I’m finished playing. Nogal ’n slamse vrou. now. Now. The machine had had time to resettle.

And I ignored yet another piece of my own advice. “You should play here after me if I don’t get it.I sat down and started to play. The call was answered on the second ring. She stabbed the button three times.” “This is John. lady.” Well. three diamonds locked into place.” he said. .” he patted his pocket. While I waited for it to boil. The drive home was painful. I smiled. I had a hundred left. But I watched the woman with the big hair take my seat. “I’m a professional. As I sat there feeding the machine one note after another. As I passed the Epping market. and she got my two thousand rand. She put in a fifty-rand note. please. On the fourth stab. I filled the pot and then dialed the number. . The sun was up when I walked through my door and switched on the kettle for tea. Gold tooth stood next to me and shook his head sadly as he watched me take my last note from my purse.” he said. All the money I’d come with and all the money I’d won. I won’t make a party out of it. It had paid out over four thousand rand in two hours. “Good luck. I looked for the blue pamphlet with the telephone number I’d been given some weeks ago. The machine next to me got a spin. The kettle boiled.” “No. a hollow little smile. Mine had done nothing. I understood for the first time what made some people drive their cars off bridges.”
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. At that moment I still believed that something would happen. I found it mixed up with some of my accounts in the second drawer. It was just after seven in the morning. I heard the woman with the big hair behind me tell someone that I’d just saved her four hundred rand.” “John? You don’t know me . I lost. and that was not to watch after you’d lost at a machine. I know when to stop. I looked up to see what amount it would settle on. “I’ve won enough. It stopped on a thousand rand. “I’d like to speak to John.

I looked over at my son making cooing sounds in his crib. But it had been hurriedly written. Imran hadn’t seen my sister. which had been scratched out and rewritten. and a sentence. and he had fallen in love with me. To laugh it off and make him feel easy about it. and the right thing by me? I had felt his heat. I sat on the edge of the bed with the page in my hand and felt hot. I had to pick up my mother to help with the tarts. insensible of the world about him. said things designed to make him notice me. laughed a little too much. I knew what my response should be. I had teased him a little.I
mran’s letter shocked me. and hadn’t called her. and that it was all right. My mother’s moulood jam’aah were celebrating their fifteenth anniversary on Sunday. The letter had changed the order of things. That would be the right thing to do. and was attracted to him also. the shopping. How had I contributed to this? I thought about it all day. The next day was busy. I thought about the letter. I read it again. I had to go out and buy the ingredients. then folded it up and put it in my jewelry box in the third drawer of my cupboard. He would feel a little embarrassed. but that I didn’t feel the same way. I would never mention it or remind him in any way about it. the baking. I read the letter a few more times. And again. creative in its design. As I went about my day trying to juggle the children. Had I done it to nab him or just to test my attractiveness? As soon as I’d read the letter. I had been conscious of my appearance when he was around. I also had to take the twins to be fitted for new shoes.
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. and had ordered six cakes and six coconut tarts. I looked at the handwriting to work out how it identified its writer. The words were round and decorative. But was it the truth. with flourishing edges. The letter confirmed what I believed. the future that beckoned. I could do it. drifting off to sleep. I could see that from one or two ink blotches. but then it would be all right again. though. To tell him that I understood he had a little crush on his future sister-in-law.

“I’ve been thinking about you too. Beeda? What do we do with this? Zulpha and I are supposed to get married in three months. Both of us knew the next question. I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I just put it out of my mind. “Did you read the letter?” he asked. The phone rang almost immediately. “And now. I had no idea this would happen. I remembered the night. “Yes.” There was a long silence. I don’t know. It’s your fire. and you told me about your husband – I realised I was coming there because I liked talking to you. It was my own sister I would take from. Zulpha had been in my thoughts all day.
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. Your spirit. Jy’s ’n lekker Slamse meit. I replaced the telephone receiver in its cradle. I love her. another part of me revolted. I felt something.” “I think the night I varnished the skirting boards and we spoke about our parents.” It wasn’t something I could answer.” His words shot like hot mercury through me. If I had never met you I wouldn’t have questioned my feelings for her. But I thought. that little giggle you have. I came so close to touching you. But the words that came out were completely different. The words were ready. It’s everything about you. “Not like this. I had left it off the hook all day. I took a moment to gather myself before responding. You’re engaged to my sister. but I’m in love with you. I want you to know that I had nothing like this in mind when I offered to come and help at the house.” he said. But now.” I felt a shiver of pleasure. “I took such a chance.” “I hope it didn’t disturb you.” Right there I had my chance. I’m attracted to it. “How about you?” he asked. “You could’ve rejected me. We sat on the couch afterwards and watched the news. the way you laugh. It was such a risk writing that letter. I lie awake at night thinking about it. How could I do it? After maghrib prayers that evening. But as I savoured this deliciousness. “When did you first know?” “I think that time when we were having sandwiches on the stoep.” There was a moment’s silence. I had no solution. I feel something different for you. no. “Don’t you love her?” I asked. I’m imagining it. the way you tend to your kids. I don’t know if you understand. I’d gone over them all day.” “I believe you.It was a good feeling to know that someone you had feelings for felt the same way about you.

Don’t mess up your life. Think about what you are saying. This thing with me is just a little crush.” I didn’t want to know more. I don’t know if I can do it now. “Tell me now.” he said. I’ll see you tomorrow to finish your kitchen.” “You’re not answering the question. My sister will be devastated. We don’t have to make a mistake. We get along and have fun.” “Do you really want me to go back to her?” Again I had the opportunity to set matters straight.” “I don’t want to answer your question.” “I can’t. I also have a right to be happy. and imagined that she was probably worried about what was happening with
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. Go and reassure her that things are all right.“I’m comfortable with Zulpha. I couldn’t live with myself. I’ve already betrayed her by writing that letter.” “I can’t tell you what to do. And knowing how you feel about me.” “All right.” “There isn’t. You like your future sister-in-law.” “Oh my God. Not the way I feel now. No way. I can’t sell my soul. I hadn’t heard from Zulpha. “I’m a divorced woman. It happens. “Tell me to stay away if you don’t want to see me. Beeda.” “What does that mean?” I responded with a question of my own. My sister will get hurt. “Are you going to see her? I believe you haven’t been there for a while. then. “If only you weren’t sisters. Imran. But there must be a solution.” “She doesn’t know. and that’s okay.” I didn’t fall asleep easily that night. The marriage hasn’t taken place yet. Already I had asked and said too much. I have four children. Anything else.” “So you also want to see me?” I was too cowardly to answer. I’ll come early.” “I can’t see her. I remained silent. “Are you there?” he asked. but sisters. Just go to her.” “Are you saying the wedding’s off?” “It has to be. It was just natural to take it to the next level. Even if nothing happens with you and me. And I’ll be the one responsible. and I will.

Mummy. She was further informed that Nazeem was coming back for his graduation the following week. Nazeem was from Port Elizabeth and came to live in residence at Groote Schuur. When the two of them got engaged. The twins came out with their sunglasses and hats. leaving Zulpha sitting by herself on a Saturday night. She lost thirty pounds.” I said. and was told by another student that Nazeem had left for P Zulpha was shocked. It was always understood that one day they would marry. When Imran came on the scene. I sat with him and the boys at the table and smoked three cigarettes. Zulpha took him food on the weekends and put up with all his moods. stuffing things into his mouth. jumped up and down with the news. They had finished their homework and I said yes. It took her years to get over the rejection. The next morning Imran arrived with hot koeksisters – coconut-covered doughnuts – for our breakfast. The doctor put her on antidepressants.E. He worked grueling shifts at the hospital and was often fatigued to the point where he had to cancel their plans at the last minute. I’d cooked lunch early that morning so he would have a clear kitchen to work in. my mother relaxed for the first time. after which he and his younger brother were leaving for Australia. The twins. One Sunday afternoon Zulpha went as usual to take him some lunch. I didn’t know if Imran knew the story about the medical student Zulpha had dated for almost three years. I had a magazine on my lap. Zulpha came home and locked herself up in her room and didn’t come out for a week. I went outside with the children to keep them out of his way. my mother was vigilant as a fox and watched for any sign that her daughter might get hurt again. Zane went to answer it. They chose their own clothes and always
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. then ran back inside for things they would take along on the trip. He finished his coffee and got started. Nazeem had been with her .her relationship with Imran. smiling at them. from a good family. just six years old. and hardworking. He was steady. The phone rang. to buy ice creams?” “Yes. His cousin Dickie was on the phone and wanted to know if they should pick them up. just the previous night and had said nothing. He asked if he and his brothers could go to Steenbras for a picnic. I went to sit with Reza on the grass under the avocado pear tree. But Imran was the kind of boy mothers liked for their daughters. “Can we have some of the money daddy gave us. but had to keep my eye on Reza who was crawling everywhere.

He worked quickly. “It’s done after today. in a pink sleeveless dress.” Imran and I walked her back to the car.” she said. and a scarf around her neck. The youngest would have to sit with Toeghieda in front. it’s never done. I could hear him whistling along with a Chicago tune. A silver Mercedes pulled into the driveway. lock into them. In the way we stole glances.” She looked around. the pan in the other. Someone has to be here while the doors and windows are left open for the paint smell to leave. Mylie was smoking a cigarette and leaned his head out the window to greet us. I had a perfect view from where I sat. “Where’s Zulpha?” “She must be at home. “Well. but the house is livable now. I was too aware of the man in the white overall on the ladder painting the kitchen ceiling. it didn’t exist. It was Toeghieda and her husband. Often my children went with them. But it did. the daddy painting. Toeghieda got out of the car.
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.” he said. and a man who came home at nights with cement stains on his pants and lust in his heart. smiling. “Zane knows where the jar is with the pocket money. She was dressed for a picnic. the mummy looking after the baby. then look away. I watched him. As I sat there under the tree. A long silver fishing rod protruded from the side window. The kitchen radio was on. a roller in one hand.picked the same things to wear. As long as no one said what this was. Toeghieda and Mylie liked picnics by the sea. In the way his eyes would find mine. It was new pants. Imran wiped his hands on his pants and came out. He had a handkerchief tied about his head for protection against the paint spray. and their two children coming to fetch my boys. She looked at him. Toeghieda saw Imran on the ladder in the kitchen and called out to him. I’d always liked the silent.” Zane stood behind them looking sheepish in long pants. In the silences. We’ll see you there then. “Maybe. Although I don’t think so. There’s always this and that to be fixed. maybe we’ll make a turn at Mummy’s later. My three kids and their eldest son were in the back. My mind wasn’t on my children’s attire that morning. work-with-the-hands type. Mylie. “How’s the work coming along?” she asked. then at me. My children ran up and kissed her. I dreamed of a life with a house full of kids. “Well.” he said. only for special occasions – not for a picnic – but I said nothing. The scene was idyllic – children playing on the grass.

When he came back in.” I said. apart from Reza. Finally. washing greens and setting out plates. We carried the food out to an old wooden table in the yard.” Toeghieda said. I dished up a platter of chicken and potatoes. “It looks great.” I smiled. he had changed out of his working clothes. While the food warmed. Do you eat mushrooms?” “I’m a Grassy Parker. I dished up a little salad and watched him enjoy the food. Are you hungry?” “I will be when I’m done. “I just have to do that piece above the cupboard. I want to make a small salad. Imran dug in right away.” “He was stupid. “It’ll cost more than that. “I don’t know what was the matter with that husband of yours that he didn’t appreciate your cooking. There was an awareness now.” He got up
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. I kicked back. We looked at each other.“I didn’t pack in anything for them.” he said.” “I want to be with you.” he said. I eat everything. Beeda?” “We can’t do anything.” “I have to feed Reza.” I went about the kitchen with my son on my hip. He usually has a nap after lunch.” “Okay. By this time Reza had finished eating and was in his crib. “Six cents for your thoughts. Don’t tell me I can’t be with you. he was done painting and went outside to stand under a cold spray. and was in jeans again. There was silence again. I’ll just see to Reza. In about half an hour. It was me he didn’t appreciate. “Can I give you some fruit to take with you? Drinks?” “We have enough. “What are we going to do.” “He appreciated my cooking. aware that. when I drop off the kids. It wasn’t like before.” he said. and brought the salad from the fridge. aware of Imran working behind me.” “I suppose he had his reasons.” Imran and I stood around in the yard for a bit after they had left. getting into the car. “I’ll see you later. we were alone. “Okay then. We laughed. I’ve got roast chicken and potatoes. I made Reza’s bottle.” We sat down. “You can go in if you want to do something in the kitchen.” He kicked me under the table. A static between us.

” I thought of my sister. “Take off your top. Reza was asleep in his crib. I could hear children’s voices on the other side of the wall. He tweaked the tip of my nose with his teeth. “What did you tell her?” “My mother took the message. I can’t be with you. “I love you. How can I go to her now when I feel like this about you?”
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. my head swam. There was nothing hurried about my movements. The rest of what happened that afternoon belongs to me alone. I call it up when I want to remember and feel again what it was like to float over the edge and be taken outside of myself. He kissed me. Then he reached forward and touched one of my breasts.” he said. his hands weaving through my long hair. who’d always been good to me. My body felt weak. Go to Zulpha and forget me. He watched me slide the top over my head. nibbled my lips. releasing me. . Imran.” He reached forward to pick up one of the children’s toys. watched me unclasp my bra. when we were outside waiting for my children to come home. “Do you know what my mother said to me on Friday? She said that Zulpha had never been married before.and came around to my side of the table. and ran the tip of his tongue along the inside. It was like I’d waited my whole life for his touch. and I had four children already. I was wearing a peasant skirt with fringes that was popular at the time. My heart beat like a frightened rabbit in my chest.” he said. To tell you about that first kiss . “Can we go inside?” He led me into the bedroom. I kissed him again. “Zulpha called last night.” I was swept up by the moment. I haven’t called her back. I had never been kissed like that. His breath was hot in my neck. . and drew me out of the chair.” “I can’t. But I betrayed my sister that day. His mouth was inches from mine. Later. He drew me towards him and nibbled at my ear. “I’ve fallen in love with you. He held me up against him. Beeda.” he said. oh God. “Things have changed. I moved my hair out of the way and untied the string at the back while he sat on the bed and watched. the hum of traffic further away on Kromboom Road. we were respectable again.

I see all kinds of people in here.J
ohn’s office was tiny – a small round table. John was in his early forties. The casino is like an amusement park for me. no pictures on the wall. I. And no one was going to know what we talked about.” he said.” “I doubt it. spend a hundred rand. “Not at all.” he laughed. John? Our Book says clearly that it’s a sin to gamble. waiting for me to talk. but I don’t like the thought that I might be a gambler. the thing that happened with Rhoda. “It was hard for me to come here.” I said.” He nodded. “I go because I have fun. and what had just happened that morning. and go home. “You are probably shocked to see a woman like me in your office. yet I do it. Is there such a thing as normal gambling?” “There is. It was in a treatment centre and probably a room used by counselors for all kinds of substance and emotional abuse. A normal gambler is someone who can go to the casino. “I’ve won more than I’ve lost. I liked John and found it easy to talk to him. was going to talk to a white man about my gambling. Gambling is gambling. “So you have lost a friend already. and I forget my troubles on the machines. a Muslim woman of fortynine. Does your religion make allowances for normal gamblers?” “No. They can take it or leave it. you will come up with a new kind of gambler.” I started.
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. and his briefcase at his feet. I have a smoke and a coffee.” He smiled at my use of the word might. But I think once you hear what I have to say. I told him about my visits to the casino. There were no books. but usually the people who come to see me aren’t normal gamblers. nothing to take away from the sterility of the lemon walls. “Do you know anything about my religion. two chairs.” He had an easy manner and sat back in his chair.

” “All right. You’ll do an inventory of all the money you’ve borrowed.” “Is that what you call it?” “Yesterday you lost thirteen hundred rand. or written cheques. I wanted to make the numbers go up.” “And you couldn’t stop.” “And you have lost money.” “That’s good. You get six free sessions of one hour each. you lost it. But this is how it works.“She lost me.” “Horrible. I was disgusted with myself. You’ve discovered you have no control. making you see what you’ve done. “Do you want to stop?” “I think so. you went to the ATM machine and took out more money. just numbers on a card. That’s three thousand three hundred rand that you’ve given to the casino. This morning you lost over two thousand.” “I haven’t borrowed any money.” His words hurt.” “Do we have to talk about that?” “Yes.” “You felt worthless. The only way to beat it is to stop. I will ask you to write out four incidents that have affected you as a result of gambling. You need to replace it with something else. Finally. Anything else?” “I felt dirty. You lost that too. John. That’s a consequence. In the end you couldn’t pay your telephone account.” “It’s confronting your weakness. Like a loser.” “You have to be sure. you went with two hundred. but you can arrest it.” “Was she not a worthwhile friend?” “She was. Compulsive gambling is a disease. It’s not going to be easy. That means it gets worse with time. and it’s progressive. I want the incidents and I want the consequences. money you’ve lost.” he added. It didn’t. You can’t cure it. At that point it wasn’t money any more. “Yes. Gambling’s an addiction. “Tell me how it felt after you lost your last hundred. he deemed it the right moment to say something again. I hate losers. Do you have a spiritual life?”
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.” “That sounds like homework.” “Yes. cheques you’ve written. That’s compulsive gambling.” He didn’t say anything. He only looked at me. In other words.

his childhood. maybe I can stay away forever. you have to stop.I laughed. But I was sure he understood what I meant. The casino won’t see me at all. Abeeda. Is the embarrassment greater than how you feel after having lost?” “No. but I don’t think I’m so bad that I have to go to Gamblers Anonymous. goes on a binge. I’m glad I came to see you.” I got up. you’re on the bed. I appreciate your time and what you’ve told me. Maybe I should be sitting in a psychologist’s office. Can I see how I feel after Ramadan? If I can stay away from the casino for a month. The approach is completely different. Here. You’re addicted to gambling.” “And you don’t have to know.” He shifted his position in his swivel chair to look even more intently at me. I’ve taken the first step.” I fidgeted in my chair.” I said right away. It would be a shocking shame for a woman like me to be seen there.” It was a silly thing to say because spirituality had little to do with how one dressed. At a psychologist’s office. Ramadan starts tomorrow. I’ve never bought a lottery or a raffle ticket in my life. There must be a reason for it. the patient is under the bed and the psychologist is coaxing him out. I’ll also ask you to consider going to Gamblers Anonymous. That’s not stopping. “Perhaps I was in too much of a rush to come here. “I will ask you to go to your higher power. Staying away will be the only way. You don’t have six years to find out why you’re gambling.” “Your religion is a serious matter to you?” “Yes.” “By all means. and you’re doing the work. and the day after. I’m very good during this month. “I wouldn’t be dressed like this if I didn’t. “Let me tell you the difference between going to a psychologist and coming here. It doesn’t matter why you’re doing it.” “More shocking than being seen in a casino? Already you’re telling me what you don’t want to do. “It’s one thing sitting here talking to you. Stopping for a month is not a victory.” “I don’t think I can do that. finding out why I’m gambling.” “Why isn’t it enough then to keep you from the casino at other times?” “I don’t know. All you have to know is that you’re a compulsive gambler. asking him about his feelings. It’s like the alcoholic who says he can abstain for a month.”
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. “Look. we’re alone.

” I said.m. I didn’t want to be seen as a gambler. It was a long-standing habit I had. The other ticket’s for Moena.. I got a frantic call from Garaatie. I’m leaving Mahmood. “I called the travel agency. and that evening I broke fast by myself.” “I need a place.I walked to the door. By the third day of Ramadan.” “What?” Even I had not thought that he would actually do it. Just butternut soup and samoosas. At dawn I was up and started my first day of fasting. I led her inside to the lounge where the sofa was comfortable and it wasn’t too hot. she wanted to come and see me. On the Friday. after which I went to mosque. We can go to tarawih together. It was the night before Ramadan. “He told me he was getting married. I won’t go to the ATM. “Come around four. “Of course. I went home. then you can stay and eat with me. the first night of tarawih prayers. and that it would get worse. I told her to come over right away. and started my devotions in the evening by going to mosque. Beeda.” This got my attention. “What do I do when I get the urge?” He smiled. Stop having the conversation.” Garaatie put her hands to her face and started to weep. I had put great distance between myself and my addiction. I couldn’t make her tea or offer her anything because we were fasting.
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. I had a quiet and simple supper. I drew strength from my surroundings and emerged from the mosque feeling hopeful and renewed. I told him what I’d found out.” she said flatly. “The airline tickets. to be alone the first night. shouldn’t I go. Garaatie arrived with an overnight bag. But the thought that I might be a compulsive gambler.” I left John’s office. I spent the afternoon in bed. When Mahmood came home from work. “What happened?” I asked. I need a place to stay for a few days. Besides the money I lost. and slid into bed. The imam’s talk on the holiness of the month was inspirational.15 a. I’m just going for fun. I was so disturbed by the thought I vowed never to set foot in a casino again. asking me if I was busy. He was going to Malaysia for his honeymoon. I only have a hundred rand. The mosque was full. I saw a dozen women I knew. You know the one. Should I go. glad that I’d made contact. scared me. taking a seat opposite her. “Don’t have the conversation. set my alarm for 4. and end up like those pathetic losers one saw hanging around the track. The day went beautifully.

” The worst words a woman could hear from a man. you marry the woman. Garaatie. I went to sit next to her.” I had listened to Garaatie’s stories about her hus93
. and protected. but were very much their father’s children. So to avoid adultery. I want to leave. Beeda. What about my rights? What about my right to feel safe. I didn’t want to call you and didn’t want to call any of my children. had the same single-mindedness as his father. God knew that men needed a lot of sex. but will tell me that their father has rights. And for it to happen during Ramadan.” “Are you going to stay with him? Be a first wife?” “I don’t know.” “You want to leave. They would’ve told me. Our hormones made us weak and irrational. They were good boys. My sons will feel sorry for me. All morning I’ve been crying.“Just like that. Are you telling me that your emotions are different. I knew what it was like to lose out to another woman. I’m taking a second wife. I said that that would be an unfair God. the eldest. and God wasn’t unfair. that means he’s getting married in the next three weeks. and that you won’t feel rejected and hurt? He laughed and said.” “My children? Don’t be daft. And maybe your children too. and loved? Is this love?” I felt sorry for her. He’s talking marriage. Sulaiman. You must think about what you want to do. “Do you know what he said to me when I asked him if he really believed that God didn’t take women’s feelings into account? He had the audacity to say that God had created women differently from men. How can you say such a thing?” I didn’t want to comment on Garaatie’s sons. let’s assume that I was allowed to have another husband and went off four nights a week. “I have such a headache. Hers had been raised with conflicting opinions. I said. That’s why the Book talks about adultery. And if he’s going for his honeymoon after Ramadan. Mine had been raised with a single set of rules. “I don’t know.” “What a load of shit. That means her family knows. This was the difference between my sons and hers. Men have healthy appetites and need more than one woman to satisfy them. Garaatie. or you just say you want to leave? You’re not going to win this one with him. “What’re you going to do?” I asked.

comes once a year with his wife and children to do his duty. They visit you. I don’t want to be like one of those overlooked women that other women feel sorry for.” she wailed. Leaving him doesn’t mean a physical
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. She was nothing if not someone’s wife or mother. I don’t know if I can live like that. Stop comparing his integrity with yours. Garaatie. she needed a man to validate who she was. Have you changed your mind already?” “I’ve never been alone. As far as staying with me. You married an asshole. It was her last card. I’m scared. should be your last concern. Your relationship with your children also. a man isn’t the answer to everything. “I’ve not been with another man.” “I thought you would be glad that I’m leaving him. He can’t do this to me.band for years and had never said outright what I thought of him.” “What’re you scared of?” “I don’t want to be alone. “Worrying about what people are going to say. You like the way things are. He did it. That was just the excuse he needed. What are people going to say?” I realised that Garaatie was never going to change. I’m not tough like you. and change his mind. but he doesn’t come often enough. there’s a whole life out there for you still. he can’t do this to me. What did you say?” “I threw my jewelry box at him. And your community work – doesn’t that give you satisfaction? You came here with your overnight bag. You have a lot of things going for you. or my birthday. you can stay with me as long as you want. Garaatie. Otherwise I don’t see him. The other one again.” “For God’s sake. The man has no conscience. She’d come with an overnight bag. Adiel comes.” “You’re not leaving him. like on Eid. Garaatie. You’re younger than me. but you have to be careful now that you don’t lose your house. I’m too old to start over. This morning he came home before faj’r to have a shower. but you’re crying about being alone. She had no identity of her own. For all her suffering. I came straight from my mother’s house to his. Beeda. This was supposed to make him regretful. Bangles and necklaces and pearls rolled all over the floor. but it was only a show for Mahmood. And stop saying. He left the house saying I was mad. It’s idiots like him that give Islam a bad name. and told me to think about what I was going to do. I spent an hour picking up the beads and lay in bed the whole night crying. You came here with your bag. Look how long you’ve been alone. “I don’t believe this man can be so stupid. Garaatie.

I had been up since before dawn and was exhausted. what I would be glad about.separation only. I didn’t go to mosque. Mahmood’s going to marry that girl. Talk to your boys.” she said. After my last prayers. What’s yours?” “I’ll have to call Sulaiman and Adiel. I had overslept and had had nothing to drink or eat. What you think of yourself. All I’m going to say is. The next morning I was woken up by the telephone. Garaatie’s troubles had unsettled me. Didn’t you get up for faj’r?” “I forgot to set the alarm. I said goodbye to her and promised to speak with her again in the morning. I didn’t get to the end of the page. Lose him. but remembered that my own children were coming. and didn’t want her there with Patrick and Reza. From the bath I stepped into the shower. And three of the suitcases are gone. “His cupboard’s empty. But you don’t have to drop to your knees and spread out your goods like a beggar for him to pick from.” Garaatie stayed with me until maghrib. don’t lose your house. And remember. Think about it.” “That’s a good start. then climbed wearily into bed with a book Rhoda had given me.” “That was his move.” “I’m depressed. Garaatie was going to aggravate me on an empty stomach.” I groaned. What you want. What I’m saying is. It’s about you. She was hardly home when my phone rang again. I had her headache.” I was about to invite her to break fast with me again the next evening. By the time we broke our fast. “Beeda. Garaatie. you’ll end up living with one of your sons. I mean. but if you leave your house now. Don’t lose perspective. Your life hasn’t ended. and returned to her house.”
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. what time is it?” “It’s ten past eight. I ran a bath. you can stay here. it’s me. And this isn’t about me. “He was here while I was gone. He’s told you his intentions. Get a grip. I’ve decided I don’t want the house. She decided not to sleep over. Garaatie. You can’t change that. you can’t blame them for what their father’s done. “How can you say you don’t want the house? Are you nuts? You’re fortyfive. what would I do in the house by myself? I’d rather live with a friend. How you want to spend the rest of your life now that you know. We talked some more. put lots of apricot bath salts into the hot water and soaked myself.” “Garaatie? Oh my God. Beeda.

and you move on with your life. It’s his nature. You have three options. I’ll pop in at your house after the supermarket for a few minutes. Have you forgotten what happened to
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. Are you scared to be happy?” “Don’t be silly. and maybe he doesn’t. You know nothing.” There was silence. It’s lonely in this big house. My kids are coming for supper. I always have them over for iftaar the first Saturday night in Ramadan.“I’m scared. Think. he’s a doekoem. You take the easy way out and beg him to come back.” she said. but women can be happy on their own too.” “He’s not a doekoem. Jy willie hoor nie. and maybe he does. but you can be lonely in a house full of people too.” When Garaatie wanted to discuss something with me. Are you going to be home today?” “I’m going out this morning to pick up a few things. and I know how that feels. Did you think about that? Husbands are good to have if they’re good husbands. Call up your sons. Beeda. “Are you there?” “I’m listening. Who doesn’t want to be happy? “So there.” “If he did that thing for Rugaya. who helped Rugaya?” “For God’s sake. “Remember that man I told you about. “We’ll talk about it when you get here. Garaatie. Make this work for you. and share him. Maybe you’ll even be fine with this arrangement. A boarder. “What do you want to discuss?” I asked. You might even be happy. Or you allow him to take this woman as his second wife. it was usually something she didn’t dare bring up on the telephone for fear I would lose my patience and hang up. “You can have them too.” “I know.” she said. You know what I think about doekoems. I want to discuss something with you. You can always get someone to stay with you. I didn’t sleep at all last night. and you ask nothing. Or you walk away and cut yourself off completely. Don’t do something you’ll regret.” “You’re lucky to have these get-togethers with your kids.” “I’m going to wait. Invite them. a friend. he’s a herbalist. Maybe he’ll be fairer to you than he was when he had to go behind your back. please. you’re not going to a doekoem. but you’re always going to have him sniffing around after other women. If I have time.

” “Basically she died without a will. The property’s to be sold. Surely. Sulaiman said I had to accept it. But if it’s only after Ramadan. See there? You made me swear during the holy month.” “Not if he has a conscience. A doekoem can’t fix your husband. “Talk about poetic justice.” “If you’re going to be like that. Did they say when he will be getting married?” “After Ramadan. It’s clear what his wife wanted. “Life is strange. Beeda.” “Oh my word. for fuck’s sake. Moegsien can take it all for himself and his son. Garaatie. She and Rhoda.your cousin in Salt River? She went to the doekoem to fix that boyfriend who couldn’t make up his mind. and a big chunk is to go to Rhoda. There’re problems with Shehnaz’s will.” Mention of Rhoda’s name changed my mood further.” “See? There’ll always be that one who’ll have his mother’s interests at heart.” “You just like to swear. Your husband has to fix himself. Let him go. I couldn’t think of her without thinking of the ten thousand rand. He’s very cut and dried about these things.” “Drop it. Adiel was more understanding. Shehnaz had renovated hers and rented it out. you’re not suggesting – and as the executor he can instruct the lawyers to do the right thing. but Shehnaz had other property. “Did you tell her your troubles?” “She has her own. Rhoda had sold hers and used the money.” I said. Their father had said something to them. I’ll drop it.” “What do you mean?” “Nothing. “I also spoke to my sons last night. He also said what you said. On Saturday it was discovered that the will hadn’t been signed by two witnesses. “Well. and in the end she married the doekoem. Don’t say I made you do it. Anyway. where’s he gone now with his clothes?”
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. being only children.” “What do you mean?” Garaatie was reluctant to talk.” Garaatie didn’t respond. the bulk of it goes to Moegsien and the son. had inherited two properties in Constantia from their father. Rhoda wanted me to remind you about the seven nights on Monday.” But I was thinking of how Rhoda had gypped me out of money. that I mustn’t leave the house.

skunk that he was. he wouldn’t go and live openly with the girl. the food to be prepared for that night’s supper. let there be nothing wrong. Reza! Put the phone down!” he called out.” “You mustn’t fast if you’re not well.” he said.” “Thanks. He can stand. I’ve called the doctor. We’re waiting for him to arrive.” I said goodbye to Patrick. Are you fasting?” “I did yesterday.” “I’m disappointed. especially during the holy month. “I’m talking to you from the other line. and he couldn’t. A whole day without water wasn’t going to be easy. I would drop in.I didn’t want to voice my opinion. I hope you’re not going to mind. and was probably married already. “There’s always food. we were going to come. Patrick’s quite handy in the kitchen. Ma. It was Reza.” “What’s wrong?” “I’m feeling very weak today. .” “I’m coming through now. God. but there’s food. Ma. He came back to me. Please. “I’ll bring you some tomorrow.” I said. and Garaatie’s call hadn’t helped. both of us . I was looking forward to it. Do you have food?” He gave a little laugh. . sounding very tired. God doesn’t want that. if you know what I mean. And you? Is everything all right there?” “Everything’s all right. I heard the line click in my ear. My whole schedule had been interfered with. but he can’t stand. but it’s more than that.” I felt a jolt to my heart. There was the shopping to be done. and made me grumpy. . “I just wanted to tell you that Reza couldn’t stand up this morning. but what I thought was. And Patrick says hi. “You won’t believe me if I tell you. Oversleeping had messed up my system. Patrick.” Patrick took a few moments before he came on the line. He’s saying to you that he’s not feeling well.” “Please. The phone rang just as I was about to leave the house. “He tried to get out of bed. He wants to speak to you.” “I’m making roast lamb and potatoes for supper. Mummy . Not your wonderful delights. He’s weak. . “Mrs A? How are you?” “I’m fine. and I hadn’t had a drop of water since the
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. I said goodbye to Garaatie and told her that if time allowed.

who’d let his friends practise haircuts and hairstyles on me. A room I passed was taken up with computers. come and talked to me in my room. yes. it’s serious. All my children were special to me. I entered the bedroom. This infection is serious. His father hadn’t been there. Another man was sitting there working on the computer.” “Is it pneumonia?” “He didn’t say so. tripods and lights. “You just missed the doctor. and who’d always. even as a toddler.” “But Reza was fine when I saw him. He pretends. I felt dehydrated and moody – not a good combination – and sorely missed my helper. the sunken cheekbones.” I whispered to Patrick. I got in the car and drove to Sea Point. He was the one who’d gone shopping with me. when I was baking my last batch of pies or icing that last cake. He looked at me awkwardly. Margaret. Patrick.” “Not really.” “I won’t. Reza’s got a chest infection. but I think it is. A king-size bed. He’s lost twenty kilos. I stood looking at him for a few moments – the full lips.previous night. But. Reza was curled up on his side on the left side of the bed. My son was going to die. When Patrick opened the door to the flat he told me immediately. “You mustn’t keep anything from me. the bony shoulders poking through the pyjamas. His life was going to end as quietly as it had begun. He’s coming again tomorrow. when coming home after his parties. I’m his mother. “I’ll bring him some food tomorrow.” “I didn’t know it was as much as that. when the house was quiet and his brothers were asleep.” I followed him down the passage to the last room on the right. without panic. I couldn’t get there fast enough.” Patrick walked with me to the front door. and Reza. He was the one who sat with me in the kitchen at night. I never went to sleep until all my children had arrived home from wherever they’d been. A thought came to me cold and calm. two nightgowns over the back of a chair. monitors. but this was my baby. The only one of my sons who’d never sat on his father’s lap. “Tell him I was here. a photograph of him and Patrick on the dresser. who’d gone home to Somerset East for a month to tend to her son who’d been shot. had never wanted to go with his brothers to visit him. I don’t know anything more.
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. isn’t it?” He looked at me. The room pulled me right into my son’s life. He was going to leave me. The flat was quiet.

“Is Mummy all right?” Sawdah asked. By the time I arrived home it was close to six.”
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. Iftaar was at a quarter to eight. Sawdah and Sadia had just set down platters of masala fish and seafood breyani. Her brother-in-law had told her it was the cold air-conditioning.” Munier added. We broke our fast with dates and spring rolls and chicken pies and made salaah together in the front room. There were moments when I was contented and happy with things the way they were. and the table brimmed with food. and ran into an old friend. he was fine. I was crying. I glanced at the smaller table nearby where my five grandchildren had their own platters and their own conversation. Everyone brought a dish with them to iftaar.” I said. losing her husband like that. set the table in the dining room. I felt sorry for her. I could never have. He was a healthy man. “Mummy’s quiet tonight.” I looked at my sons around the table. but no one wanted to lose a loved one. “I went to see Reza this afternoon. My enthusiasm for the family get-together that evening was gone. and would never find again. “How is he?” Munier asked. Patrick?” “I don’t know how to tell you this. and got busy. People wanted to die in Mecca. then coming back in again. Mymoena. “He couldn’t stand up this morning.“Is something wrong. and then there were times when I needed very much for someone to be there and love me.” “What?” “He told me this morning that when the time comes he doesn’t want to leave from here. put the chicken pies out on a pastry sheet. fried the spring rolls. My life wasn’t exactly the way I’d told Garaatie. I went to the fruit and vegetable place. “Yes. at the bakery who’d just got the news that her husband who was in Mecca. the supermarket. then going out into the sweltering heat.” “But Marwaan and I just saw him here the other day. I had used my faith to learn to accept it. I made savoury rice. They couldn’t hear us talk. but my spirit muted. I put a leg of lamb into the oven.” I drove back to Rondebosch East with a heavy heart. my smile was back. By the time my sons arrived with their families at seven. But the love I’d had. had died of pneumonia. there had been nothing wrong with him. I wasn’t different from any other person when it came to the need to be loved.

and that he’d always been my pillar of strength.” “We’ve never been close.” I said. They were as surprised to hear these emotions come pouring out.” Rabia picked up the serviette next to her plate and dabbed at her lips. “I didn’t speak to him. The others didn’t look at her. I’d sometimes overlooked him – that I loved him. he was asleep. I looked around. And he’s Mummy’s favourite. “I’m hoping it’s not. The doctor had been already when I got there. Yet. The trouble he got into when he bunked school. And it wasn’t entirely true. But the words were stuck in my throat. You waited for months for this first experience.” Zane looked down at his plate. Is it pneumonia? That’s what usually happens. And always there were excuses for him. I was guilty of some things.” I turned to Zane. so young still. I never knew of these feelings. and between the brothers. “He misses you. Who made a fuss of me?” His words drove a knife into my heart. Can’t you be a brother to him?” “He’s never allowed Zane to be a brother to him. he was more with Munier and Marwaan than with me.” Looks passed around the table. and I loved him in a way that perhaps was different than my love for my other children. She just didn’t know when to keep quiet. I was close to tears. He’s got a chest infection. they were the brothers. Everything that was wrong with him. and so responsible. Mummy attended to. I was the one who had to give up a lot of things. He was my most reliable son. at the other faces at the table. “It’s not that I don’t care. “This is family business. and first children were much awaited.
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. but Zane was my first born.” “A chest infection? That’s not good. “I wouldn’t like you to leave things the way they are.” Rabia chimed in. The fuss when it was his birthday. I looked at her. “He’s never really come to me for anything. if you want to call it that. When he took off to Port Elizabeth without telling us. This morning he couldn’t get out of bed. Ssshhh. “That’s a reason not to see him? He needs his brothers now. and say how utterly sorry I was that in my zealousness to protect his younger brother. When he was small. How had I missed these feelings? I wanted to throw my arms about him. I looked at him now.” Zane said. just turned thirty. this first child that was going to have ten fingers and ten toes and look like you.” Zane answered.“That was then. Zane had never voiced any of this before. Even his condition.

” he said.” I got up and went to my room. Long ago I saw one of his films and was proud when I saw his name at the end: Reza Ariefdien – Director.” He took my hands into his. He told Patrick that when the time comes.” I kissed him on the forehead. my baby. Maybe it is time for him to come home.” I put my arm around him. he doesn’t want to leave from there. I lay down and buried my face in the pillow. I mean it. I’m so sorry. and sometimes forgot that you needed me too. I was overprotective of Reza. I’m sorry if I’ve neglected you. I know that he can’t help what he is. I’m so sorry. And there’s something else. I’ll go every day now. “Can I come in?” “Yes. “I love Reza. Many times I wanted to see where he lived and what he did. the boeta. “Yes? How about some mint jelly to go with it? I have some in the fridge. a tired woman. “I’m sorry. Then his arms went about me and held me tight. I hadn’t held him in ages.” “When’s Mummy going to see him again?” “Tomorrow. “And you’re right. We all took you for granted. You’ve always been my number one son. Mothers too make mistakes. and have him talk to me.” It took Zane a moment to understand. I didn’t mention it at the table. they just do and hope for the best. to include me. “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. Very much.” “You had to say it. and double treasures. I’ll come with you tomorrow. I sat on the bed and looked at myself in the mirror. It all just came out like that. “I love you. The twins had each other. But it doesn’t make it easier for me to deal with. I’ve always wanted to be close to him. There was a knock on the door. Ma. Your father’s coming with me on Wednesday. but he’s never made me feel that he wanted to be close to me.
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. I know all that. Can you forgive me?” “There’s nothing to forgive.“The lamb’s good. You were always the eldest brother. Zane. even though it doesn’t look that way. I had a number one son.” And I did mean it. It shocked me tonight when I heard that he missed me. Ma. “Don’t cry. but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. They don’t come with a manual.” Munier said. I didn’t know it was going to.” “He does. But I also wanted him to come to me sometimes. a favourite son.” Zane came in and sat next to me.

I think he’s got cold feet. “Is something wrong?” I asked. I couldn’t believe it. I never saw him at all last week. He went round and round in circles. I mean. He had no real argument. He was having supper with his mother. He never called me. he never came to the house like he usually does. It’s not the truth.” “But the wedding’s not off?” “I don’t know. If a man had reservations and stayed away. if there was a problem between us. I suggested to him that we come and see you. I know it isn’t. It was better than
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. This has never come up. On Monday night I went to see him. He has contracts lined up until the end of the year.” “Okay. and that he wants to be on his feet financially before he takes on a wife. we’ve got the hall booked for March. He said he’d been busy and was going to call me to discuss something. I know he respects your opinion. And he is on his feet. but I would never have done such a thing. He had not gone to see her. “It’s Imran.” “What did he say?” “Nothing that convinced me that we should wait. I make good money too. I felt low. We’ve had the invitations printed. We went into the living room and he told me that he thinks we’re rushing things. talking about having a solid foundation before we start. It wasn’t wrong considering that they were engaged.I
didn’t see Imran until Wednesday when Zulpha called me from the office in the afternoon and said that she and Imran wanted to come and talk to me. Money had never been an issue. Maybe you can reassure him that he’s worrying for nothing. and his business is doing well. He had cooled towards Zulpha. and he didn’t return any of my messages. that was what he had to do. I was responsible for Imran’s behaviour. and I asked him what was going on.” I replaced the receiver and put on the kettle for tea. I reminded him of all of this. And he seemed strange towards me. And Zulpha had marched right over to his house and demanded an explanation.

to my mother’s diagnosis at the doctor’s that afternoon. then stopped. He loved me. We have everything. “He wants the business to pick up before he takes on the responsibility of marriage. “You’re not happy?” “I didn’t say that. But I understood why. and had now also been told that she had low blood pressure and had to watch her sugar. and put out some biscuits. You were undesirable if you got jilted. “Imran wants to put the wedding on hold for a year. My heart sat in my throat.” I looked at Imran. It wasn’t an experience anyone wanted.” she said. But with all my feelings of guilt and remorse. and went all over the place. And Zulpha was far from that.”
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. don’t you?” She looked at him. One glance told me all I wanted to know. It was painful.” Imran opened his mouth to say something. and that’s the truth. Zulpha.” Zulpha’s eyebrows shot up.” she insisted.” he said. I dreaded the evening to come. I was apprehensive. “I feel bad about it. Tell me what that means. She feared being jilted again. Maybe you want to explain that. I gave a thousand rand deposit for my wedding dress. Imran didn’t love her. I also couldn’t understand why I had to deny myself. she came to the point. Any loss hurt. “Say it. “A crack in the wall?” Her voice rose a little. She seemed nervous. Finally. smart and quite stunning. I hadn’t expected that my sister had it in her to do that. from the office function that had made her late. and had one on. Don’t talk like a builder. Two people would pine forever for one another. She was educated. Zulpha did all the talking. fearing his response. Imran looked ready to come clean with the whole thing.going through with something and getting hurt. I made tea. I didn’t want to be in jeans and a sweater when they arrived. And one would live in a contrived state of happiness. Our mother was an asthmatic. tied at the back of my head. Two people would be unhappy instead of one. Imran came in behind Zulpha. But how could I hurt my own sister? The afternoon passed quickly. I don’t understand. I never wore a scarf in those days. but had just finished my evening prayers. “Fixing a crack in the wall is better than having the whole thing tumble down. We’ve had the invitations printed. But you want both of us to be happy. “Marriage is a big responsibility. “I didn’t know we had problems. When the doorbell rang at seven-thirty.

” “Listen . A few minutes later we heard the van pull out of the driveway.” I drove home with a stone in my heart. she turned to me and said. and sat slumped in the chair. I didn’t walk him to the door. .
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. Her voice had taken on a distant tone. I made her a cup of tea.” she said. “I don’t want to hurt you.” she said quietly. What could I say? We had both lost. Imran. Zulpha started to cry. what is it then? Why don’t you just tell me the real reason for all of this. I was busy taking washing off the line. You’re free. Zulpha turned to him. and we talked. “I won’t tell Mummy yet. he would stay away.” she said. like a newly knitted bonnet. I like you a lot.” “Pressure?” She became quiet and looked down at her hands. Her eyes had that look of someone who had just been dealt a devastating blow. I don’t know what we talked about. You’ve been very distant these past three weeks. All those promises. “It’s over. and had thought that after what had happened. When you see her on Friday. Imran didn’t know where to look. when Imran’s bakkie pulled into the driveway.” She got up to indicate that the discussion was over.“Well. all those feelings. ” “I don’t want to listen.” “You like me?” She dropped her head like a broken little doll.” Imran glanced at me.” I was lost for words. When I took her home and she got out of the car. I hadn’t expected to see him. “Don’t worry about taking me home. and you like me?” I looked at Imran. “I don’t have to listen any more. “We’re engaged. . Is it another woman?” I didn’t dare look at Imran. Only I had to live with the guilt.” he said. Beeda will. “I’m releasing you from the engagement. All for nothing. Zulpha–” “Answer me. walking up to me. “How’re you?” he asked. I stopped with sheets and pillowcases flung over my shoulder. The next afternoon. “That’s it. “I just need you to ease off a bit. Finally. don’t say anything. and the whole thing had unraveled in five minutes. “Do you want to back out of what we have?” “Listen. I put my arms around her. I hadn’t even poured the tea. “The pressure is too much.

“If we continue with this. This was the bite. that we would never be able to go out in public and hold hands. I feel dreadful about the whole thing.” “And I can’t be with someone I don’t love. and we knew as we stood there leaning into each other amongst the billowing sheets. she told me that Zulpha hadn’t gone to work. “But I can’t lie to myself. Beeda. I couldn’t sleep last night. Not happy. kissing me through the sheet.” He pulled a sheet over my head and drew me towards him. and we kissed. I watched him open it.” “Then tell me how I can have you. we tumbled around on the sheets on the lawn. What happened?” “Mummy must ask her. I can’t lie about how I feel. Yet. “In friendship.” He took some washing from me. Inside was a thin gold band. “You can’t. we washed off under the tap.”
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. and he reached into his pocket and took out a small blue box.” The words had a bewitching effect. He took it out and slipped it on my right hand. The kiss had urgency and passion. I felt so sorry for Zulpha. I can’t continue. we couldn’t stop. Beeda. I thought of Adam and Eve. and the apple. we’re both skunks. “How can I be anything to you now? It would kill her. While my sister’s face faded before me.” “I will have you. Was I going to be doomed to a life of suffering? When my mother came the following morning to help with the orders and to look after Reza. “Why not?” “I don’t know.” he said. Logic has no chance against desire. There was no time for a shower.“As you see.” A rush went through me. I’m not letting you go. Afterwards. They came to see you on Wednesday night. but I know something’s up. “I love you. It was the second day now. My sons would soon be home from school. We had coffee and a smoke. Beeda.” The washing dropped to the grass. that we were struggling upstream – that we would never be able to have a home together. “Don’t you feel anything for me?” “You know the answer.” “Me neither. I watched him reverse the van out of the driveway.” “I fell in love with you. How fair will that be to your sister?” It was time for him to get back to the site.” I looked up at him.

was my mother. collected outstanding monies. and went hurriedly in through the back. but a bit weak. What happened at the doctor’s? Zulpha said something about low blood pressure. and added koeksisters to my list. sipping on her tea. and I felt so tired.” “Yes. I had to ask them if I could lie down. lying face down.“Is the engagement off?” “I don’t know. Have you seen him again?” My mother was a trick questioner. What can half a Disprin do? I don’t have any pain.” “Toeghieda told me. I took orders. but I knew the moment I opened the car door and heard the baby howling inside the house. “Reza’s bottle is ready for when he wakes up. when they came here. she said. I left the cake tins in the car. She was here. and I had all my energy back again. The children weren’t home from school yet. In the meantime I have to cut out those snacks I’m having.” “Okay. No one could back you in a corner like her.” She was silent for a while.” I packed the pies and the rooties in the car. She turned to look at me at the counter preparing Reza’s bottle. I want you to come back as soon as you can. I’m always tired. I couldn’t keep my head up. The auction usually lasts until three.” “Don’t worry.” she said. I might be a diabetic. and wrap the rooties. On the kitchen floor.” “Is Mummy taking Disprins?” “Aagh. They gave me some Coke. blocking my way to the bedroom. Mummy can mix in a little mince with his mash. They haven’t told me. and take half a Disprin. “Imran finished the kitchen. I felt better.” She helped me pack the pies.” I was gone for three hours. “On Wednesday night. My business was flourishing and I was asked to bring even more rooties the following week. Really. that something was wrong. I was back in my driveway at a quarter to three. The other day I was at a friend’s house for supper. But I’ve cut out the crisps and the chocolates.
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. When I woke up. “Drive carefully.” “Not since then?” “No. but I’ll come back as soon as I’ve sold everything. I’m waiting for the results. and came back in for my bag. “I don’t want to be away from the house too long today.” “Yes. with the baby’s bowl and the food splattered on the floor.

Toeghieda had wasted no time calling him. “When you die. Oh God. I needed to hear their laughter. Imran. The twins were in the back. Munier? What do you believe?” Both my twins were naughty. and dressed. My children were quiet as we drove away. please!” An hour later. but Munier was the most mischievous. I ran into the bedroom and took Reza out of the crib. It was the first time they had seen a dead body. “Zulpha! Call an ambulance right away! I came home now and found Mummy on the kitchen floor! Now. Nothing stared back. and eat lots of chocolates. “Granny’s going to be washed first. The shock of losing my mother hadn’t hit me yet. It meets other souls. Toeghieda was in her own car with her sons and with Zulpha. I was being swept along. Muslims don’t get buried in coffins. my broody son. Imran was the one with a van. “There’re no rivers and gardens. always so serious. I didn’t know what to do first. “My mother died of a stroke. She had come in the front seat of Zulpha’s car. both my sisters stood with me in the yard as we watched Mylie and Imran carry my mother out of the house. in the back of a van.” he said. Not my mother. and Allah won’t make your head pain.My heart pumped in my ears.” “Will she go to heaven?” Munier asked. I kneeled down and felt for a pulse in her wrist. and then she will be buried. There’s nothing up in the sky. “What’s going to happen to Granny now?” Munier asked. I moved one eyelid. and was leaving in a blanket.” My children and I got into my Beetle and followed the bakkie to my mother’s house. The calipha says the soul goes into barzak. “What do you know about heaven?” I asked. We need a bakkie. Zane was in the passenger seat. holding Reza. Mylie and Imran were in the van. and tried to still him as I dialed my sister’s number.” They all laughed. You don’t go up there. “There’s no heaven in the sky or hell in the ground. “And you. “you can meet Allah. I begged.” Zane spoke suddenly. I thought about how I should answer him. I looked at him. looking out of the window with sad faces.” “Will she go into a coffin?” Marwaan asked. I couldn’t feel anything. “No.” I was surprised that he knew so much. Everything was happening in a vacuum.
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. He hadn’t said a word yet about his grandmother’s death.

At my mother’s house. Mylie arranged for the kafan. Toeghieda took charge. “I can’t believe Mummy’s gone. and save our grief for when we were alone. was twenty-something-year-old Garaatie. An hour after that she was in the ground. Zulpha and I sorted out the food. The men came back to the house. having breakfast.” Zulpha said. who’d moved in next door two years earlier. She had a soft-boiled egg. “I’ll stay here for a few days. Imran went to pick up the death certificate. By isha’i that evening. Toeghieda said. like in my father’s day. It had only been her and my mother and Sophie. The house was busy. “Zulpha can’t stay here alone tonight.” Zulpha was seated next to me on the bench. More people came and went. Everyone had his job as things had to be done right away.” “I was just thinking that. and my sisters and I sat in the kitchen with Imran and Mylie. Food was served. He offered her a white handkerchief. and a slice of toast. “Just this morning Mummy and I were sitting here. He was attentive. I never thought I wouldn’t see her alive again. the furniture was back in their proper places. “Thank you. The toekamandies were on their way already. As if reading my thoughts. but Sophie had left a month earlier for a job in a factory. Toeghieda also called one or two people in the family and told them to inform others. we can stay for the weekend. By five-thirty my mother was washed and shrouded and put on the bier. but it was then that we really first talked to one another and became friends. I suddenly realised that Zulpha would be alone in the house now. I just have to go home first. Malboets – people who went around knocking on doors. And Zulpha seemed to have forgotten what had happened
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. It’s Friday. the mourners were all gone. We had to be in the moment.” Zulpha became weepy. giving the news – were dispatched.” I said. I know this is awkward for you.” “It’s not awkward. the burial cloth. Neighbours and friends helped in the kitchen.” Imran was seated next to her on the other side. One of the women peeling potatoes. The handkerchief was pressed. I drove her to your house. and the planks. By four-thirty the house was packed as more and more people came in to pay their respects. I already knew who she was. My sisters and I didn’t have time to stand around and console one another. I’ll just go home to pick up some things for the children.

“I’ll bring samoosas. “Fakhariah won’t take that cold.” I said. When she finally put out the light. You know that mother must go everywhere with them. so that should take care of the mother. when everyone had gone home and my children were asleep. “or if we’re going to have reciting every night until the seven nights. And she’ll be there two months.” That night. she’ll lose that husband. But she’s glad the child was born here. They have no privacy. If she’s not careful. “Did you see Mylie’s sister. “but I think just the three nights and seven nights. then she’ll pine for her mother.between them. Would she want to buy it? And who would live with her?
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.” We talked until late.” “I agree. “And just the family. Fakhariah’s new baby? Fakhariah says they’re moving to Canada in three months. I had been thinking the same thing. But they’re leaving now.” “That’s settled then. And you can bring some pies. I was in my mother’s house.” I suggested. in a white winding cloth in a half-sitting position between four sand walls. “I can’t bear to think of Mummy in that hole. in my mother’s bed. My mother with the brown hair and green eyes and pretty smile. People who’ve been there talk about how cold it’s there in winter. hoping to ease some of the pain with our chatter. She doesn’t want one child to be South African and the other Canadian.” Toeghieda said. who’s alone now. “It’s up to you sisters. Even to the movies. I couldn’t sleep.” Zulpha said.” There was nothing I could say to make her feel better. but it might be too much for Zulpha.” she said. Zulpha.” Toeghieda said. They just got their visas. Zulpha and I sat alone in her room. Beeda. “The house feels empty. My mother who had known in her heart one sister’s temptation which would cost the other. Any one of us could buy it. My mother’s house belonged to the three of us now. I know her.” “It’s not too much. “Let’s talk of something else. talking.” Zulpha said. I realised that the people at the table thought that they were still engaged.” Mylie said.” “They won’t last there. My children were in Zulpha’s room. Maybe you can make a pot of boebe. “We have to decide if we’re going to have only the three nights and the seven nights. That’s enough.” “It’s not necessary to have it every night. Toeghieda and I had our own homes and would agree for Zulpha to be its new owner.

Don’t open the door for anyone except family.ane came to pick me up at the house shortly after the midday prayers at one-thirty the day following the family meeting. Then he said.” We drove for a few minutes in silence. I spoke to my son. Not open the door.” “It’s not that easy. tell them I’ve gone with Zane to Sea Point.” “Are we going to wait for him to tell us?” “Yes. I watched the trees flash by on the M3. “We’re going now. Zane. We can’t ignore him. madam. Madam’s busy. “Prepare yourself. just say I’m busy. Ma. “You haven’t seen Reza in a long time. Margaret. And if people come knocking for food and ask for me. And tell the sisters. And that was my son. Margaret?” Margaret was hard of hearing.” That was it.” “He said he wanted to come home. There’s Patrick. Don’t say I’m not here. And don’t show your shock when you see him. He let me know that he knew. You’re in charge now.” In the car driving to Sea Point. “Johnny said he saw you the other day. Margaret.” “Eh-weh. “Yes.” “Is that so?” “They split up six months ago. Whatever we think. My helper. we have to take him into account. “He’s not married to Mary anymore. “Really?” “At the casino.” “When he’s ready.” “We should talk to him about coming home.” “Did you understand what I said.” I stiffened.” I said. If my sisters call. was back from the Eastern Cape. And it’s what Reza wants.
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Z
.” I said nothing. There’s no need to prolong it. madam. and gave me my scarf at the door.

I’m so glad you’ve come. And be nice to Patrick. “Dr Shapiro’s with him now. and the right thing by God. but there was no time for recriminations now. I took his hand and squeezed it. and Patrick had been good to my son.” They shook hands and greeted one another. I was apprehensive. “He had trouble breathing during the night. We walked up a flight of stairs to the front door. “He had trouble breathing. I could tell by his scowl that things had not improved. I’ve arranged for him to go on a drip and to have an oxygen pump.” It was too much all at once. “Of course. “So this is where he lives.” I said. “Hello. It would be the first time he would see his brother in years. He wanted the right thing for his brother. We arrived at the flat. “Your son has pneumonia.” Patrick excused himself and we sat down.” Zane said nothing. Mrs A. Mrs Ariefdien. His eyes were on the passageway waiting for Patrick to return. Let me just go in and see what’s happening.” Patrick said. Patrick introduced us. Patrick answered almost immediately. If I had to stand in front of God myself one day and beg his forgiveness for this action. A nurse will be here in two hours to set it up. I felt for Zane. He didn’t have to add that I’d been there in the middle of the night.” “Can we talk to the doctor?” Zane asked. I didn’t have it in my heart to separate Reza and Patrick until they themselves were ready to do it.” “Hello. but he’s not keen on going to hospital. He’s taken a bad turn.” I said. The conversation had disturbed me. and came immediately to what he had to say. “An oxygen pump? It’s that bad?”
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. He’s also someone’s son. Patrick.” Zane looked at me. Eventually Patrick and the doctor came out of the room.” “Yes. Zane looked up at the four-storey building. “Park just up here. I never knew what I was going to hear when their front door opened. on the road. this is my son Zane. “That can’t be good news. But the right thing by God also meant not hurting people.but said no more about it. We got out. I want to book him into Groote Schuur. You have to. Dr Shapiro greeted us.

” The doctor looked at Patrick. After a few moments.” he said. I got up and put my arms around Patrick. We all waited. “Is he going to die?” “He has Aids. when we leave.” “He’s going to die. Patrick looked away. “We’d like to take him home.” I had never said thank you to anyone before and meant it like I meant it at that moment. I’ll need yours. I had gotten to like him. His little earring. And he loved my son.” “That would be better. and let Zane speak. If he’s this ill. I went in search of Patrick.“Yes.” Zane said. he needs to be with his family. “Sad business.” I sat down on the couch. His condition is getting worse.” Zane took the card from him. at the ocean below it. I’ve written my mother’s address and telephone number on the back. doctor?” “Yes. She’s from a good agency. “It would be better for him. Mrs Ariefdien. doctor. “Here’s mine. “The nurse might as well come to my mother’s house and set it all up there. Patrick. “I must let him go home.” Dr Shapiro said.” The doctor went off to make some calls. Eventually he wiped his face. My brother has expressed this wish.” “He’s developed some sores. The account can come to me. I went to stand behind him. Patrick sobbed into my scarf. He took out a business card and handed it to Zane. The sea glittered silver in the sun. looking at the roofs of houses and palm trees sloping down the hill. His quirky ways.” “Thank you. and gave him one of his own. Dr Shapiro. He was sitting on a swivel chair. “When do you want to move him?” the doctor asked.” The question that had been burning in my heart for the past week found its way out. In the distance was a steamer heading for Cape
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. and found him in the room with the computers and film equipment. than to move him later and hook him up again.” “Whatever is needed. yes. he walked silently down the passage. He had cared for my son. “Today. I felt sorry for Patrick. You will need a nurse to come to the house every day. “These are my details. and followed his gaze out the window.” I glanced at Patrick. Patrick put his hands to his face. if that’s possible. staring out the window. You can speak to her.

” Patrick looked up at me through his tears. His breathing was laboured. Tears streamed out of his closed eyes and rolled down his cheeks. He wheezed as he strained to lift himself up. He says he won’t come to stay. The embrace had exhausted him. Mrs A.” “My offer still stands. His grief spilled out in all directions. “Any time you want. “How’s your family?” “Don’t talk. “You understand.” he said. a long.” he said.” Patrick came into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. You have my card.” “He can’t leave here. Patrick held his hand. I leaned forward and kissed him.” Reza lay back with his head on the pillow. his big dark eyes sunken in his head. You haven’t changed. “I’ve made the arrangements. Patrick. There’s too much work. I have to go. You can be there.
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.” “Come and see him. “Thank you. Reza lay back with his head. We made way for him and stood back. His eyes went from me to Zane. My breath caught in my throat. “A nurse will be at your house at four.” I said. but I won’t come to stay. I appreciate the offer. brotherly hug. Zane came forward and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Yes. It was sad what Zane and I had to witness. Reza looked around.” “You will come back with us. Don’t hesitate to call me.” “We want to take you home today. Patrick lowered his face into his hands. lying back on the pillow. Mrs Ariefdien. He was awake.” I said.” The doctor left and we went into the bedroom to see Reza. “They’re fine. Children’s voices flitted by in a haze of laughter. “I understand. A lot.” The doctor came into the room. “I’ve missed you. then?” Zane asked. The two of them talked. He hugged Reza. “Me too. When the oxygen is hooked up we can talk. don’t you?” He didn’t speak immediately. “Where’s Patrick?” “I’ve asked Patrick to come too. I put my hand on his shoulder.” Zane said. Reza.Town harbour.” he smiled. but he’ll visit you. I’ll come and see him. “So much. “Your brother’s here. His eyes closed a little.” I heard my eldest son say behind me. their footsteps growing fainter on the cement stairs as they ran on into life. His skin felt clammy.

pressing her lips onto the other cheek. Margaret had let them all in. But the ride had weakened Reza. Who’s going to change him?”
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. “The boy’s back. As we drove away down High Level Road into Strand Street. They registered no shock at his appearance. “He’s ready. The nurse took his pulse and blood pressure. “He’s too weak to sit on a commode. and had on socks and slippers. For my mother. “I’ll pack in some of his things. a different picture played itself out in my head – my son being carried out on a bier – lowered into the hole where three men were waiting. Reza was wearing a gown over his pyjamas. and unforgiving. Then he got up and took a leather suitcase from a top cupboard. I got into the back seat with a plastic bag of pills and ointments and powders. It started to rain as we got onto the M3. and a floral duvet on the bed. Zane had called Zulpha and Toeghieda from the flat and told them what was happening. “Only the books we talked about.” Patrick fought back his tears as he watched Zane lift Reza up and carry him down to the car.Patrick took a tissue from the box and handed it to him. Reza came into a warm kitchen. “He’ll have to wear a diaper. When I come tomorrow I’ll bring the rest. The moment was dark. to family. Reza was lying back in the passenger seat.” Toeghieda added. I was grateful for the effort my sisters had made to receive him.” Zane and I went into the living room to let them say their goodbyes. When Patrick called us to come back inside. I felt grim. They had changed the sheets and pillowcases on the bed in the guest room. Zane was driving.” Reza said. talking to my sisters in the kitchen.” she said. When Zane carried his brother into the house.” “No clothes. and a large envelope Patrick had stuck in my hand. When we arrived at my house. and showed me and Margaret what to do. The three men were his brothers. “Tossing us all one side. As we followed. put flowers on the dresser. She fitted him with an oxygen mask. the nurse was there already. kissing him on the cheek. and Zane put him in bed. The sky had turned purple and broody while we were inside. Zulpha had also scratched about in the fridge and was at the sink cleaning vegetables for supper. and hooked him up to the drip.” Zulpha said.

if you ask me. don’t let them see him. “It’s damn disgusting what she did at the casino.” I said.” “You also know?” “Yes. I started. Talk.” Zulpha was cutting up carrots and stopped with her hands on the cutting board. but was quick to be of assistance. “What really happened at the casino?” “It’s a long story.” “Just your father. “It’s the seven nights tonight at Auntie Rhoda’s. she’s not two-faced.” Toeghieda said. Zane went to the chemist. who liked her knee-high stockings – passion killers. Toeghieda. Beeda.” “Call your father and tell him Reza’s here. She’s a fitnah. We had changed in appearance over the years. she called them – and belonged to the same moulood jam’aah my mother had belonged to. but there’s always some truth to her stories.“I will. but she’ll be along. I ran into Shariefa at Woolworths. They just want to know what’s going on in your house. “Don’t let a whole lot of people come here. had got thinner. “I have to go and see what’s happening at the shop now.” “Who else should I tell?” “No one. again. I can’t stand her.” “Just as well. but not in spirit. Zulpha. was now a big woman with a big scarf.” he reminded. and was modern with her fancy turbans and baggy pants. “People are biss.” “Garaatie will probably call later.” “She’s always going through stuff.” “We have three hours to iftaar. She knew something.” “Really?” I looked at her. She looked much younger than her forty-three years. Tomorrow your business is out on the street. the fair princess. “Well.” I looked at my two sisters. She wasn’t the most diplomatic. I’ll be back after iftaar this evening. She’s going through some stuff now.” I nodded.” “She’s never been two-faced with me. “I can’t go.” Toeghieda said. But I like her. It’s Ramadan. and could be relied on in a crisis. She
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. Rhoda didn’t even want to gamble. and brought back everything the doctor had ordered. it’s like this. She should leave that man and get a life. and I have Reza. But that Rhoda – you can build her up all you want. And those who come uninvited.

“Rhoda? Religious Rhoda?” “Believe it. She should’ve given you half. my twins arrived with their families. for a hundred and fifty rand a visit. It had also led me to the discovery that you could be in love with one man.” I hadn’t expected Imran to come and break his fast with us. I don’t gamble. and be attracted to another. “That’s hard. I stood with her at the cashier’s desk. you did your duty. When the file closed at the end of the session. and she told the cashier she wanted it all in a cheque. They brought dates.” Toeghieda hesitated. And you’re right not to go tonight. ceramic floors.”
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.” It was still hard hearing Imran’s name.” Marwaan said. It’s haraam. There were wooden window frames. but have come to terms with what had happened long ago. and antique furniture and Persian rugs. I told them the whole story. In other words. I told him I was staying for iftaar. “It’s past five. “But he’s coming tomorrow to come and see Reza.” “Well. if not bladdy all of it. mince pies. I only came to watch. He won’t come. a modern kitchen.” Toeghieda said.only had twenty rand.” “How unfair. I never told Rhoda or Garaatie about Imran. He was invited out by some friends. My need to forget had made me change things. but I promise. but hardly came to my house. But I did share it with a bespectacled stranger in a room with a wing chair and a couch. When last did you see her?” “At her sister’s janazah.” She looked at her watch. the story was contained. and drinks.” My sisters listened. I’d better not run into her.” Zulpha got up also. “She insisted on playing on your machine. she said. “I called Imran. Promise me. I’m going to make salaah. I knew no one would hear it. Ten minutes before iftaar. when he had to make an appearance. Imran came to the big functions. I still feel a little knot of sorrow when I hear Imran’s name.” “You mustn’t say anything. He’s very pleased that Reza’s home. chicken breyani.” Zulpha said. My house was a very different one now from the one he had worked on all those years ago. “One of us will be here every night to have iftaar with Mummy and Reza. “I don’t believe it. . “There’s less than three weeks left of Ramadan. But then . . I’m not giving away any. That was your money.

We’ll bring whatever we have. Ma. Sawdah and Sadia set the food out on the table. Margaret cleared away the last of the cups. He seemed uncomfortable. I want to make up for lost time. When they all finally left to go home. and shook his head. Women Who Run With the Wolves. With sores on his body. He wasn’t hungry.” I said. and settled him back under the blankets. and washed him and dried him. I sat with him and we talked. “I’m wet.” “We want to. but I was glad that he’d come. Zane arrived in the middle of all of this with his son. Shaheed. I could see that the reunion had worn him out. Toeghieda didn’t say anything. Mummy doesn’t have to cook at all during this month. Everything was ready.” I realised that this was embarrassing for him. “Would you like some Milo?” I asked. It was the first evening in almost twenty years with all my sons together. “It’s difficult during Ramadan.” Zulpha said. Reza was awake.” I smiled. I talked. I told him about a new book I was reading. Marwaan had set up chairs in Reza’s room. after which we all performed salaah together in the lounge. They took turns reciting from the Qur’an in Reza’s room. Didn’t I wash this stinky old bum many times before?” I went to fetch a basin of hot water. “So you’re wet.” “I’ll be here also. but the best I was going to get. It was unusual for anyone to show up in the middle of a supper during Ramadan. “I haven’t seen my nephew in years. and he looked at me.
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. and pulled up a chair. the men decided not to go to mosque. he listened. His eyes opened. Struggling to breathe. “Is something wrong?” I asked. He tried for a smile. going to tarawih. After supper. She just showed up and got into the act. and come back at twenty-three. We’ve already discussed it. but Munier fed him some soup. and all of that. His eyes softened. and said that Rabia had gone to the seven nights at Rhoda’s house. “It’s all right.” I said. It was almost time to eat. “I want Mummy to sit by me for a bit.” We all knew what she meant. I had always read to him as a child. just like when he was little and I’d tucked him into bed with his teddy bear. He had left my house as a sixteen-year-old. and I was alone with my son. and the men went to eat in there.“You don’t have to. She wasn’t one to make promises. I stood by his bed. Not the happiest of occasions.

I went to bed at two. we have seen the feminine instinctive nature looted. And then when it was all over it keened throughout the night and howled for the life that was. but he hadn’t been in my house long enough for me to witness anything. driven back. Wildlife and the Wild Woman are both endangered species. He went into the toilet. How are you coping?” “Fine. and overbuilt. as soon and as often as we turn our backs. Everyone was here yesterday. I touched his skin. “He’s on a drip. Everything about him looked dreamy and peaceful. The wolf stayed until the end. For several thousand years. it is relegated to the poorest land in the psyche. at ten that morning. and heard from Rabia that Reza was home.“Let me read you this wonderful opening . then got up again for faj’r just before dawn. Margaret’s back from her family. Dying people often talked about an old aunt or grandmother whom they could see. and performed my prayers. It was warm. . I looked at him in a way I didn’t dare to when he was awake. He was dead within minutes. and had an asthma attack. Right in front of her eyes he dropped to the floor and turned blue as he gasped for breath. had been in his forties when he came home one afternoon from his collection rounds and told his wife that he was feeling so good. The night went by slowly. intensely concerned with their young. I was ready for another day of fasting. throughout history. I was that wolfish woman with the keen sensing and playful spirit. and natural cycles forced into unnatural rhythms to please others . The spiritual lands of the Wild Woman have. reading the book I’d just read from. they are fiercely stalwart and very brave. My first call. I picked up his wrist and circled it with my thumb and forefinger. “How is he?” she asked. your deceased family visit you. Over time. dens bulldozed. I had a cup of tea. I looked for signs with my own son. I sat by his bed long after he was asleep.” “Oh my word. For long periods it has been mismanaged like the wildlife and the wildlands.” I sat with him until his breathing was even and he was fast asleep. His pulse was even. came out.
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. while no one else could. two rusks. Uncle Joe. My mother’s brother. was from Garaatie. it was said. She’d been to the seven nights. But I knew it was a ruse. A lull before the storm. . . been plundered or burnt. and on oxygen. In your last forty days. They are experienced in adapting to changing circumstances constantly. .

I have the nurse coming. But it’s good for now.” The third call was from Shariefa.” she said. After spending a few minutes with Reza. Beeda? Zane says he’s on oxygen.” “I understand. There’re so many things to do.Zane and I went to fetch him. It doesn’t tell you anything. He heals people.” “Of course. “I know you don’t believe in these things. The family’s in and out.” “What can I bring him?” “Nothing. She’d also been to the seven nights and heard the news. or the couch. It’s Ramadan. I’m coming to Athlone this afternoon for some curtaining. but it’s not a good time. “but I went to see that man I told you about. Did Mahmood come home?” “No.
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.” “God. “How is he. And thanks for the call. He gave me a bottle of panaa water and said I must get Mahmood to drink it. You know how it is. He’s not a doekoem. He’s on medication.” she said. sounding disappointed.” “You must be happy to have him.” “I will.” she said. He wanted to know if he could come and see his son. Are you home?” “I’m home. Zane had called him. They’re going to come by every day. It’s a full house. “And he’s back home? For good?” “Yes. “I’m so sorry to hear that he’s sick.” she started.” “True.” “He’s ill. You don’t have to ask.” The second call was from Braima. “Maybe after Ramadan. I told him that he could come any time.” “I’ll make do’ah for him. Anyway. I led her into the living room. Is it serious?” “He’s got an infection.” “What mother isn’t glad when a child comes home?” “That’s so true. You know how it is during this month. I thought I would pop in.” “Can I come through? I have to talk to you. I hate that word. It was Ramadan so there was no tea. With Garaatie. I told him to bring his wife. you either sat at the kitchen table where you could have tea to listen to her stories. “Take care.” Garaatie arrived shortly after eleven.

how I’m going to get him to drink it. You can’t have a man drink a bottle of water to come to his senses. Is it love.” “Yes. Where’s he? You haven’t told me. What a skunk. there’s no problem.” “Wow. Her scarf sat crooked on her head. I told you I don’t believe in this stuff. “He’s with her.” “You’re my psychologist. Go see a psychologist if you need help.” “I thought you said the man was a healer?” “He is a healer. And why must he come to his senses? It’s got nothing to do with logic. he cheated on you.” “Don’t try that misunderstood stuff with me. You know what goes with being a first wife. He’s giving you false hope. When he was with you. The problem is.” “You love him?” I wanted to wring her neck.” “I have to be. to knock some sense into you. Garaatie.
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. At least now you know where he is.” “Why then?” “I love him.” Garaatie looked down at her hands. If you can handle it. you see now that you have to do something. If you’re not okay with it. for God’s sake. You have a problem accepting what this man’s done. but Mahmood’s taken another wife now. Something young and exciting in his bed that he can say is his God-given right. He’s healing me. That assumes he has a conscience to begin with. You’re too needy. Where’s he now?” Garaatie looked weary. She had lost weight. or fear of being alone? I’m the first one to say. And you don’t listen to me. or come to terms with it. It’s lust. All this time we were fighting. he was married already. “I knew you wouldn’t understand. Beeda. You want him to drink a bottle of water. “What is it that you love?” Garaatie looked up at me with woeful eyes.The water will make him come to his senses. stay together and work things out. to do what? Give up the girl? Is he worth it? Even if the panaa water worked?” Garaatie looked down at her hands. You’re the one who needs the panaa water.” “For God’s sake. he’s not healing you. “He’s never been worth it.” “And now? Surely. I need my own head looked at. I understand very well. Garaatie.” “What do you mean? They’re living together? During this holy month?” “They’re married two weeks already. “Sometimes you can be very cruel. Garaatie.” “No.

but was crying miserably now in front of my friend. What it is about you.” “I’m the only one without a man. and held me. Garaatie. More than that. Imran? You had something with Imran?”
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.” “Don’t be sorry. that allows a man to do this. “You’ll come through this. Garaatie. I’m not thinking right now. you told us. “I’m sorry I burdened you with all this. If you want to know about love. Out of nowhere my eyes became full. He has Aids. It was admitting that my son was gay. Garaatie. you’ll understand why you are in this situation. I hope you know that. I hadn’t cried when I’d brought him home.” “You don’t know everything about me. “What?” “Yes. and I come here with my problems. but you have to start helping yourself. You have friends.” She looked at me. How’re you handling things here?” “Okay. You never wanted to be with another man after Braima. and hadn’t cried when I was alone. It’s about you. I never told you. I could see her brain working. Beeda. Garaatie. You’re strong. You don’t know the things I’ve done. This thing you have with Mahmood isn’t love. There’s your answer.” Garaatie looked deflated. I’m not that strong. “I’ll have to do some serious thinking. “I’m your friend. and not Braima. Abeeda. My own sister.” “Ya Allah.a bottle of water’s not going to change him. “That’s not the whole truth. I didn’t know.” “Aids?” “Yes. You have your own stuff to deal with. I’ll always be here. and the things I’ve not done. just doing.” I said. It’s more than pneumonia.” She gave a weak little smile. I can tell you about love. Have you ever wondered why?” “No. If there’s anything I can do. You’ve allowed it. That man. Go to God.” It was like something was loosening my tongue. Garaatie. Beeda. Get a hobby.” She released me.” “You’re strong. and I couldn’t stop. Join a gym. Telling her he had Aids was telling her a lot more. She came to sit next to me. A psychologist will give you an unbiased perspective. My sister’s husband. Trust in Allah. There was a man. You’re the strongest one of us. See a psychologist. Don’t give up hope. took the last twenty-five years of my life.

It was the only way. but been an outcast in your own family. “Now you know why I never married again. You had no choice. She sat like a wooden doll. and saved you from losing your sister. .” She looked at me.” “Do you still love him?” “I’ll always love him. He was hers first. and you’re right. But I hope you didn’t look at this as a rejection because it wasn’t. . Do you still have the letter he wrote?” “No. “Before or after your mother died?” I smiled at her through my tears. If he would’ve married her. I didn’t look for the letter right after her death so I don’t know when it disappeared. There was no letter. I don’t know what happened to it.” “How do you know? Did you look?” “No. . Do you think I did the right thing?” “It’s your sister. . I put it in my jewelry box. But I often wonder what would’ve happened if my mother hadn’t died.” “He loved you. “Who took off her clothes?” “The toekamandies. if you knew what I had to give up . “I don’t know. And I think God loved you. and the first time I trusted any friend enough to tell the story. Can you imagine the scandal? You would’ve had him.“If you knew how it started .” “Who was in the room with them?”
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.” “Do you think she found it?” “I don’t know.” “I don’t think so.” Her look was penetrating. The body was on the kitchen floor when I found it. blown away by my tale of love and betrayal.” “I did look at it like that.” That was the beginning of my tale. She was thinking the same thing I’d always wondered about.” “Do you hate her?” “No. ended up with me being listened to. But I’ve accepted it. and if that’s why she had the stroke. And then one day it just wasn’t there. I think he felt sorry for her. Whether my mother had looked for something in my jewelry box and found the letter. it’s not. In the end her coming to me for help. Beeda.” “Yes.

I suppose Zulpha took care of them afterwards.” Garaatie let that last statement hang in the air between us.” “I’m not suggesting anything.“Me and my sisters. I may just have misplaced it.” “We don’t even know if my mother had the letter.” “You may have. .
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.” “Pockets?” “Yes. Garaatie.” “Do you remember what she wore that day?” “A cream skirt and a blouse.” “Who took the clothes?” I couldn’t answer immediately. “They were left at the house. that my sister . .” But the seed was planted. and had played the lost little orphan one more time. And if Zulpha had found the letter she had known all along about the affair. “You’re not suggesting. and won.

” Toeghieda exclaimed. Latiefa. on Sunday. hidden under my clothes. the imam. Imran had come out to help carry in the tea things and was also there. I didn’t give it any credence as I knew we couldn’t draw attention to ourselves. and you might as well do it now if you know what you want. He stood next to Zulpha. The reciting ended. however. Imran brought his mother. Zulpha doesn’t want a big wedding. I listened to the words. and her being alone in the house. While the men were still seated on the sheeted living-room floor. and didn’t come out.” I felt something vibrate in my chest. with your mummy just gone. after ish’ai. But Imran greeted me. I had not been alone with him since the day before my mother’s death. “What good news. I didn’t look at Imran. I knew they were true. “You didn’t need that big wedding anyway. when he’d given me the ring. to the three nights.” she said. “It’s about the wedding. I did. He was leaning against the doorway much like the time he’d leaned against my kitchen counter when he first offered to work on my house. and hadn’t expected him to call me there. The ring was on a gold chain around my neck. and kept to the room where the men were reciting. She and Imran have decided to get married ten days from now. Things like this happened in real life. I don’t remem125
. “I have an announcement to make.” It was as if someone had punched me in the gut. and also turned towards my sister. Why wait? You shouldn’t live alone in the house. Only never to you. Just a small ceremony. Toeghieda and I started to serve the cake and tea.A
fter my stay with Zulpha when I was to return to my own home with my children. The big wedding’s off. I discovered that I could act. think that we would find a few moments alone. and the immediate family. She found Mylie and Toeghieda and me in the kitchen. But I did notice his mother in quiet conversation with Zulpha in the bedroom. I had been with Zulpha for three days. and waited for it to stop. Latiefa came out of the bedroom with Zulpha. Or so you think.

. It was five-thirty. When I heard one of my sons cough in the next room. got into bed myself. “It was her decision?” I asked. “Thanks for staying with me. . At ten o’clock. I wrote and rewrote until the bed was strewn with crumpled paper. and looked up at her through the window. my bleeding heart. but lay awake the whole night staring up at the ceiling.” “What are sisters for?” I turned the ignition. I would have to get a babysitter. and find work. my brother-in-law .
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. I would get a job where I had to get dressed up and wear lipstick. I wanted to read again the letter that had started it all. But the letter wasn’t there. There was an urgency in me to get out into the real world. but I remember my performance. I can’t remember what I did during the next few days. I’d decided not to have my hands all day in a flour bowl any longer. I can’t believe that after all you’ve said that you could’ve . I switched on the light. “I couldn’t have stayed here alone. At last. My mother was gone. I sat on the edge of the bed. and wrote another. . and started again. I agreed to everything they said. My lover. all the right words. Zulpha helped me out with their belongings. Dear Imran . But she’d spoken to Imran.” She had been home every day. . and foolishly brave. She asked me to speak to him too. My smile. and started a letter. I looked at the clock. No one knew I wrote poetry. I could take it no more.” she said. and be with other people. I gathered my kids and told them to get into the car. The hardest part was the next hour when I had to sit with them and discuss my mother’s will. I returned to my bed. but I remembered her telling me that she had to go out for an hour to pick up something at the shop. I agreed with Toeghieda that Zulpha could buy the house. I discarded that one also.” At home I put my children to bed. I’d read it just a few days ago. wondering where I might’ve left it. I went to the dining room and took out a writing pad and pen from the sideboard. “The day after Mummy’s janazah – after his mother spoke to me. I was a reader and a writer. defiant. . and opened the cupboard to take out my jewelry box. I balled up the letter. I was angry. “When did you two decide to do this?” I asked. but know that I didn’t bake pies for Cars 4U. “No. and burrowed my head under the pillow and cried. .ber what I said.

Zane was happy for me. or know her plans. On Thursday morning. but that I knew how to talk to people. There was just enough money left for food and to pay the expenses for the rest of the month. Nisa had a six-month-old baby. Dr Akojee. I should’ve called her long ago to ask how I might contribute. a cardiologist. and asked for an appointment.One night during that week I saw an ad for a receptionist in a small medical centre in the classified ads. Nisa. I could bring Reza on Monday morning. She was my sister. But before I could do anything to rectify the situation. you need someone to do the washing and ironing and clean the house. As a sister. Dr Akojee called me back the following day to meet with one of the other doctors. But my conscience pricked me. and already it was unusual that I hadn’t called. I’d never had a job except for a brief stint as a cashier in a supermarket after Braima left me. who asked me two or three things and said I was hired. I told her that I’d found a job. How could one feel both those things at once? But I focused my thoughts on the new job. The twins didn’t really understand. If I knew nothing. My children rallied around the coconut-covered
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. one of the doctors in the practice. “With four children. and a very presentable appearance.” she said. interviewed me. and wouldn’t have to be told twice what to do. and refused to think of anything else.” Enormously relieved that I had found work and would no longer have to bake pies. She said she was home for a year. I bought two new outfits that same day. I called up another friend. I left the medical centre feeling both elated and terribly depressed. and had a woman who lived in to do housework. she and Imran came to my house on Saturday morning with a bowl of koeksisters. Zulpha was getting married the following Sunday. but I didn’t. and saw that I could wear pants. On Wednesday morning I called the number in Claremont. Dr Paul Lewinsky. I would have nothing to think about. and lived on one of the avenues. I had no experience that I could speak of. and needed a babysitter for Reza. I told him straight out that I’d never worked in an office. I told my children that I was starting work on Monday. I toyed with the idea of telling my news to my sisters. I’d looked at the secretary who did the typing. or anything about the man she would marry. “I’ll also look for a woman for you. I didn’t want to see her. who also had moved to the Athlone vicinity. But I had a good speaking voice. I know two women who might be interested.

his intensity. Can I come and see you this evening?” Zulpha came back into the kitchen. And thank God the invitations never went out or I would’ve had to call everyone. “You should
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. “That’s wonderful news! Did you hear that. “What a sweet child. but I could feel his eyes on me. does he?” “Not much.” she said. “I got back some of the deposit for my wedding dress. He never cries. Imran was seated on the other side of the table. I hated him.” Zulpha said. I’m sorry I didn’t call.” she reminded me. Zulpha took the baby from him and went to the bedroom. I thought we could give her clothes to some of the old-age homes. and to charity.” “Quite a few. Imran?” Imran came inside with Reza. glad for a real excuse not to be part of the whole thing. “I will explain it all to you. “I have to go through Mummy’s things soon. who had fallen asleep in his arms. and not said a word about it. I found a job.” Her face became solemn. Receptionist for four doctors in Claremont.” “If you can make three trifles. Do you want to sort through it with me? Toeghieda’s coming down on Wednesday.” “There’re some bags that you liked. The words knifed through me. “I love you. Can I offer to make anything? I’ve been busy looking for work this week. That he had come and disturbed my life. planned all this with Zulpha. “That was lucky. I didn’t look up. I’ll make some mini pizzas also. Imran sat on the step outside with Reza on his lap. We can do it together. And the nerve to come to my house.” “I have some dough in the fridge. that would be excellent.” “I’ll be working. It was our first moment alone since the day before my mother’s death nine days ago. Toeghieda’s arranging the finger foods with Garaatie next door.” “You say you were looking for work?” she asked.” “How many people are coming?” “About forty. “I’ll leave it to you two to decide.” I said.” he said.” I was surprised that I could talk to her like this with all the resentment I felt. “He’s starting to walk. Zulpha made coffee.doughnuts like hungry wolves. I’m starting on Monday. “He’s sleeping. “Yes.” I said.

My mother’s gone. I want you to tell me. I took him into the living room. no work.”
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. Mummy also said you could have the silver tea set. Imran was coming up with the rest. Imran. but I have to clear out the cupboards to make room for Imran’s stuff. I want you to give me another chance. Mummy’s sweat went into this house. Your excuse is invalid now. she said they had lots to do. What had I had when I started? A few pieces of trousseau. and looked up at me. I sat at the kitchen table and watched my children chase one another up and down in the passage. he came to my house. I’ll explain it all to you. the one from our grandmother. Plain and to the point. Zulpha had ten thousand saved. she paid the bricklayers and carpenters.” I didn’t say anything. I was too worn to tell them to stop.” I said.” “I know it’s soon to be doing all this. I had to contain my pain. to start their marriage. It was a good price.come and see what you want. It took almost two years to finish. “Here’s your ring. No money. My heart ached. but Toeghieda and I let her have it for seventy-five thousand. placing it on the coffee table. cloaked in fear.” “I’ll take that. I have the house. If I’ve done something wrong. an eight-week-old foetus. Toeghieda’s taking the oak sideboard. It’ll always be the family home. and had to go. In the midst of all this. fully paid up. No histrionics. I had to be civil.” “She came to see me the night after your mother died.” I listened to her talk. and an unwilling participant who stood before an imam in a new suit. “As she got money from her rounds. “If I think how Mummy built that house on weekends after Daddy died.” she said. we have a house. he had said. They would have a house. which meant she only had to pay us twenty-five thousand rand each. Just like that. And you liked that old mirror.” “And you?” “I’ll take what you two don’t want. What was there to explain? He had made his choice. He left it there between us. She was simple about it. My sisters will agree to sell the house to me. “Do you want to hear what happened?” “Talk. She went on and on. You told me once you loved me. I want to get married. After another coffee. You did ask me once to marry you. I love you. The house was worth more than a hundred thousand rand. I’m alone in the house. Shortly after nine-thirty that evening.

” “And my sister?” “That’s a hard one. “That’s it?” He looked down at his hands. after all this? How can you? It would be even worse now than before. “And you agreed?” “I told her I didn’t love her. I couldn’t bear her unhappiness.” he said. and tell her. then back up at me. But I wanted you to come up with a solution!” “What was the solution. I love you. but in time she’ll come to accept it. “Tell me what to do. Abeeda. and I’ll be the wolf come to devour her. Do you want me to cancel the wedding?” “Now. “I don’t love her. “I can’t tell you.” “Oh my God. stroking my hair.” “Do you want me to break it off. Do you want me to call it off? I’ll go home now to my mother.” I couldn’t believe that he had actually said this to her. “Do you want me to cancel?” I felt the strength of his arms around me.” I went to the kitchen to put on the kettle. that my sister would eventually understand and forgive me. and we wait for a year?”
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.” “So you decided to sacrifice yourself?” He lowered his head into his hands. They’ll hate us for a few months. Beeda? She was sitting there crying. His arms went about me. “Don’t cry. And you told me we couldn’t – ” “I know what I said. I care for her. “I felt sorry for her.I was shocked to hear that my sister had done this.” I tried to convince myself that I could do it. and I’ll do it. I burst out sobbing in his neck. but he said nothing else. I waited for him to tell me more. Right now I can do it. It felt so good to be there. She’ll be little Red Riding Hood.” “Didn’t you mean it?” “Of course I meant it. If you were broken up for a year. It must be your decision. that would’ve been different. and then it’ll be all over. At the dresser. His mouth was close to mine. And I couldn’t believe that my sister was going through with something as serious as marriage after hearing it. He followed me. that I had a right to be happy too. I took out two cups.

Somehow I felt that it was more than my religion he was interested in. “I don’t mind going on an errand.” I didn’t delude myself that anything would happen between us. “Sure.” he said smiling. and I had four children.” I looked at him. I was at my new job only four days when Dr Paul Lewinsky called me into his office and asked whether I would mind taking a walk to the bottle store for two bottles of Cointreau. After a while. I have children. He was Jewish and married. I didn’t accept. “I’m not an authority. and a dazzling smile. “They’ll know. and I can’t tell you what to do.” he laughed. I’m prepared to do that. we won’t care any more who knows. The right thing by my sister.” “You know I’ll come out in the open with you.” He turned my face up to meet his. “Maybe one day we can have coffee and you can tell me a bit about your religion. doctor?” “Yes. He was having a party at his house that evening. I don’t want to love anyone else. But do you understand? If I can’t have you.” “I understand.” It was a horrible situation.” I said. and then it will all come out. blue eyes. “I don’t know. The right thing. but the thing of it was.” I said. But I liked that he had found
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. and wouldn’t have time to pick it up. “Of course. Imran. waiting. My children will see you. was marriage. was not to get married at all.” “I can’t hurt my sister.” I stood in front of him at the desk in my dark pants and cashmere sweater. “What are you saying?” “I don’t know. “I forgot about that. but I’ll try. I’m not going to look for anyone else.” “The right thing by you or by her?” That was the big question. I’ll just go through with it. He wasn’t much older than me – thirty-two at the most – and good-looking. The right thing by me. and was deeply unhappy. “Is that all. I understood. but I knew it wouldn’t happen that way. I understand. “but I wouldn’t like to be seen entering a bottle store. How was it fair that Imran should be with someone he didn’t love? The days that followed were heady ones.That also sounded like a possibility. with dark curly hair.” He slapped his palm against his forehead.

“You’re very refreshing. He asked how old my children were.” “Oh my. When I brought it to him. knowing that I left the office at five.” I said. I wasn’t even hungry. He knew my mother had died. He’d planned it – parked his car across from mine. “Yes. and asked how I was coping. but couldn’t not please this good-looking man who was being so charming to me. He smiled. and the white man’s attraction to brown-skinned girls. and had waited in the car for me to come out. it’s kosher. the secretary. that the previous receptionist had fallen in love with the good doctor. How I liked working there.” And so I sat down and bit into my bagel.me attractive.” he said. “Can I eat this? “Yes.” I laughed it off. and answered his questions. He beckoned to me. and knew by this time from Marion. “Doctor asked me to have some lunch with him. So soon. but knew what she meant. He usually waits two or three weeks. Sit down. What I can eat. but he makes sure you know he has a wife. “Don’t take him seriously. And a package from the clinic. he thanked me for having lunch with him. doctor.”
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. I called him doctor. and asked me to go to the deli to pick up two bagels with smoked salmon and cream cheese. he said one of the bagels was for me.” He got out of the car. “He’ll send over the report on Monday morning. I walked over. He’d been at the hospital all afternoon. Marion was at her desk typing a medical report when I came out.” “Did Dr Kahn call?” he asked. I was very much aware of the laws of apartheid. “I like having you in the office. but he’s never going to leave her.” Marion said. and didn’t forget the warning when I opened my car door in the underground garage later that day.” she said. “He’s a tease. When we had finished eating. and said he had to hurry. I’m Orthodox. Abeeda. When he called me into his office on Friday and said he was running late for his appointment at the hospital. His wife’s one of those arrogant and spoiled women with too much make-up you can’t stand. I obliged. and the headlights of a silver Mercedes Benz flashed and I saw him behind the wheel. a Muslim can eat. “You were in there long. “Your messages are upstairs.” I was flattered by the attention. and stood facing me.

I had to wait for him before going to Zulpha. “Do you have to hurry home?” he asked. and wasn’t used to white men. My sister’s getting married on Sunday.” he smiled. Always the one everyone felt sorry for. I forgot all about him when I got home. Was there still something you wanted me to do?” “No. and what she’d done. It was only a week in the new job. I would never have dropped to my knees and declared my desperation.I was reminded of the little girl. asking when I was going to be home. and always this pity worked in her favour. and the big bad wolf. I hadn’t heard from him all week. How could you be with a man you knew didn’t want to be with you? I’d not even asked my own husband. I. And she’d been crafty the way she’d gone about it – not telling me where she was going that Monday evening when she ran off to see him. My baby’s with a sitter. who was the father of my children.” “Yes. was transparent and what you saw was what you got. on the other hand. and said thank you. “Is someone looking after the children?” “My eldest son looks after the twins when they come from school. And telling me that Imran’s mother had talked to her and told her to speak to Imran when she was the one who’d done the begging. I couldn’t imagine what it could be. My wife’s in Johannesburg this weekend. So I just smiled. She wasn’t such an innocent. but also a little burned that he could assume that when his wife was away the brown girl in the office would be only too thrilled for his company.” “Too bad. Still. I wasn’t savvy enough yet for smart replies. I have things to do. I set about making supper wondering what it was Imran wanted to talk to me about. Zane told me that Imran had called twice. I was looking for someone to have supper with. to stay when he wanted to leave. He was coming at eight. something pleasurable. I was still trying to get
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. She said little. I longed to be with him. But playing this last card had worked.” “So you have to get home. I missed him. flattered by his interest. but worked behind the scenes. “I can’t.” I got into my car and drove away. I’d also had time to think about my sister.” I felt something rush through me. I remember several incidents as a child when our mother made me give up things for her. “Maybe next time.

“He said he was. “I’m going to start with the trifles. but didn’t leave the house until after eight when I thought Imran would call. “It’ll sort itself out. I doubt that he’ll come now. I got my children ready. “He’s just gone out quickly. but there would still be people who would come to the house. wondering whether Imran not turning up at her house had anything to do with his wanting to talk to me.” I said. I just have to feed the kids. Zane complained that no one helped him in the afternoons and that he was behind with his homework. He didn’t. He’s supposed to bring over two pots for Garaatie. they helped pack in the trousseau. “Imran’s not here yet. and a few friends. Finally. She spoke to someone on the telephone and waited. she replaced the receiver. It sounded like there’re lots of people there. Zulpha’s wedding would be a small affair. Everyone clamoured for my attention when I got home. it was a social event.” she said. I started
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. and again I felt sorry. I brought the ingredients.things organised with my children. outfits.” “He finished work after jum’ah. for a bit. Zulpha didn’t have trousseau to pack in as she was staying on in the house. It’s only six-thirty.” I said. with Garaatie and Mahmood. They brought presents. family and friends always congregated at the homes of the bride and the groom. “Of course. My twins wanted to tell me what had happened at school.” “Good idea. There was cake and tea. I spoke to him.” “I’ll be over soon. but in one of the bedrooms she and Toeghieda had displayed all the nightgowns. and gifts.” The night before a wedding. “Is he supposed to come?” Usually the man stayed at his own house the night before the wedding to receive his own guests.” “Maybe he’s not home from work yet. and didn’t ask. At nine o’clock Zulpha made a call to his house. What about the pots?” I knew it wasn’t the pots she was worried about. I thought it better to make them here so they can chill in the fridge and save me from bringing them with me tomorrow. Reza was taking his first steps. Toeghieda and her family were already there. linens.” I took the ingredients out of the bag and discovered that I’d left the sponge cakes at home. I left a message. I couldn’t make trifle without sponge cake. “Are you coming through?” she asked. Zulpha called in the middle of supper. and I left with my children to go to Zulpha’s house. I didn’t see Imran. She offered to make the breyani.

She was leaning forward on a chair.” he said. what you really want. his hands in my hair. you’ll be a bastard in everyone’s eyes.” I could see from his eyes that he was stressed. Come in. “I love you. I came here for a purpose. and I love you.with the jelly base. Finally. Keep an eye on Reza for me. Urgent and desperate. “I forgot the sponge cakes. “Don’t cry. I’ve suffered this week. Beeda. and I’ll be the one who betrayed my own sister. Beeda. and after the encores. her right hand on her left ankle.” As soon as we stepped inside and the door had closed behind us. was a lonely figure in a dressing room. once and for all. We could start a life there. I forgot something. I thought I could stay away. Tell me now. “What’s wrong?” I asked. and kissed me. clothes flew in all directions.” I wailed. We devoured each other like two ravenous beasts. “Where are the children?” “They’re with Zulpha. The night before my wedding. He’s with Zane. “I came looking for you. his face in my neck. and was just about to leave. I started to cry. and had to come back. I would have time to get the sponge cakes before the jelly was set. He picked me up and carried me into the bedroom. “I know. and I don’t want to do it. He was holding me. I got my car keys and told Zulpha I was going home quickly. I looked over his shoulder at a picture frame on the wall – a watercolour painting of a ballerina taking off a ballet shoe. “I can’t marry Zulpha. our bodies quieted down. After a
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.” “I know. How can I marry someone I don’t love?” “I don’t know.” His eyes misted up. I don’t think you know how much.” he said. To Australia. and I don’t know what we can do. I love you more than anything. and we lay for a few moments in silence.” “It’s all so unfair. but if we do this no matter how long we wait. Look at this. just as Imran’s bakkie was starting up at my gate. Buttons popped.” I got to my house. and set the bowls one side to cool. “Thank God you’re here. I won’t be long. he took me into his arms.” “We could go away. Her posture reminded me of a tired swan who’d danced and danced.

Zulpha. Your sister will probably be married by that time.” I replaced the receiver. I lifted the receiver.” “Nothing’s happened. Imran. “Hello?” “Beeda. I just wanted to know if something had happened to you.” “And I’m never ever. Is something wrong?” “No. ever going to stop loving you.while it would all blow over.”
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. I’ll be there now.” The telephone rang. and went into his arms. and we could come back. where are you?” “I’m here. I cleared my throat so my voice wouldn’t give me away. “I’m never going to stop loving you.

” he said. Zainap was pregnant.” He took out a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the corner of his eye. Braima came immediately with his wife. “I want to go out and take a look at your vegetable garden. and came to stand next to me. We watched our son labouring towards death. “Do you think that . Lovely daughters. Braima sat down in a chair by the side of the bed and cupped his hands in prayer. immaculately dressed in a black dress and coat. if he’d grown up with both of us this wouldn’t have happened?” “No. He married her. . he didn’t come back. I knew why. like Zainap. if he regretted it a week after. but it was too late. “It’s a hard way to go.” He wasn’t around for any of them.” The words came as a shock. After that there were three girls in a row. Beeda.” His words had a cataclysmic effect. Reza went into a coma. “I regret that I left you.T
hree days before Eid. I’ve never seen her in a robe. “I regretted it a week after I had left. I didn’t ask him why. “The two of you have things to talk about. Braima got up. I met them. I wasn’t around very much for him.” I watched her leave the room. I saw some herbs when we came in. Reza was hooked up to the oxygen tank. Zainap waited for him to finish reciting. One’s a little plain. He didn’t say anything. But Zainap had lost the baby. I blamed myself. making gasping sounds.” she said. a big woman. As Reza got older. I called his father. My heart was too full to respond. . “We sometimes do things that we don’t understand. Weekend trips to the zoo or to bio137
. perhaps. “I was young.” he continued. The other two have their father’s spirit. like he married me when I was pregnant.

you pause. The doctor finished his examination and looked up at the two of us. It’s not you. That’s what kept you satisfied. Women. and returned that evening to break his fast with us. you slept together.” “I’m glad. you prayed together.scope wasn’t the same as being there for the homework. romantic stuff.
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. I thought how strange life was. My sons and my sisters took turns coming for iftaar. but it’s not going to be long. All you can do now is make him comfortable. and you continue. I was familiar with the procedure already. He didn’t know about the hole in my heart. The bell rang. Nothing you or I could’ve done would’ve changed things. He couldn’t. “Is your life good?” I asked.” “Is it put out when bad things happen?” “I don’t know. the loss. You reminded yourself daily of the fleetingness of life. “You’re not to blame. took Reza’s blood pressure. Braima. not sure of my tone. Reward wasn’t in this world. “Alhamdu lilah. He knew nothing of what I’d gone through since our marriage ended so abruptly all those years ago. the abandonment. listened to his chest. We have our ups and downs like everyone else. Dr Shapiro checked the drip.” He looked at me. and didn’t cling to earthly love and transient pleasures. And he wouldn’t understand. doctor?” I knew the diagnosis would be different.” I said. That’s what kept you going. “His breathing is much worse. even after they’d lost and got hurt. “It was put out that way.” “Did we create this?” “No. but didn’t have to. And that only started after two years anyway. I wanted to ask if he was happy. You ate together. still had to make men feel all right. it was in the next. That was how he came to us. There was no heady. I think we create it. Don’t blame yourself for this. The drip’s keeping him going. Tomorrow you die. “Maybe twenty-four hours. but Allah’s been good to us. but there was compatibility and comfort.” Braima took Zainap to her sister’s house. “What’s your opinion. We heard Zainap open the door to let the doctor in.” “How long?” Braima asked. the day-to-day grind.” As I uttered the words. He’s suffering.

” I said.” The offer touched me. Then four years ago. I had a long talk with him in the week.but that night we were all together. the men went into Reza’s room to recite at his bedside. Thanks. He couldn’t control himself after that. Mietjie. where he heard sounds in the cubicle next to his. Auntie. We had fasted all day. he said. but I can’t help it. I’ve never met him. Bernie and Niefie. Maybe because I’m a Muslim mother with a gay son and he needs to feel accepted. But he’d kept his feelings in check. especially as it would be Eid in a few days. but no one really did justice to the food. I love God. but he decided not to. It was a sombre affair. to be gay?’ It was like the floodgates opened and all these emotions poured out. though.” “Is Mummy sure?” “Yes. and cried like a baby. “But you must have lots of things to do before Eid. “I said he could. Mietjie sits by his bed and recites. he moved down to Cape Town. Tolla. He stays for quite a while. He wasn’t from Cape Town. “Whatever they are. “I can stay here with Mummy one or two nights. “What about this Patrick? I’ve heard so much about him. Rabia surprised me that evening. and I still don’t know why he opened up to me. I don’t think he had that talk with his own mother. And that was it.” “All gay?” she asked. but from Pietermaritzburg. Wasn’t he supposed to stay here?” I didn’t ask how she knew. Niefie makes salaah in his room. I asked him. Beeda. ‘What does it feel like.’”
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. Jonathan. they know their business. and was in this public toilet in Sea Point.” “Someone should stay here with you. he had his head on his forearms on the table. Mietjie. Probably Zane had told her. I appreciate the offer.” Toeghieda said. He comes in the mornings. But at one point. He’d always been fond of this aunt. After supper. ‘I can’t help it. I struggle with my feelings. I make all my salaahs. I’d asked him a question I never could ask my own son. placing a cup of rooibos tea in front of me. but it hasn’t changed how I feel. begging God. and the women remained in the kitchen. And Margaret’s here. There was a hole in the wooden partition and he looked. Sometimes I sit for an hour on my muslah. “I’m off this week. depending on his work schedule. “Thanks. The other friends come also. He’d always known there was something different about him.” she said. He hated it. with Shaheed. I pray and pray. and at age nineteen even went out with a girl.

You can’t stop people from what they’re thinking. except at funerals and other family functions. then pulled up a chair. “I agree. and a man without teeth in his mouth on the weekends. yes. it’s a pity about so and so. and says. Toeghieda had hated him at one time. “I heard that. Someone should be here. That’s all top secret. they still talk. “Even though she has Margaret.” “Rhoda was here?” “Yes.
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. We must all sweep in front of our own doors. Braima came out of the room. “Shame. more laboured.” Zulpha said.” Toeghieda said.They looked at me. “It must be hard.” Toeghieda said.” “I can’t stand her.” We all knew what that meant. I don’t know about some of these friends. No matter what the truth is. I’ll stay here with Mummy. But does she tell you about her niece who was involved with a married man. “How are things in there?” I asked. And what’s so great about her? Her great big weight.” he said. Someone has to sit up with him tonight. but he hadn’t really seen my sisters. People know. just in case.” I said. and fill in the gaps for her. “Has Garaatie been here yet?” “Many times. “She’s a total fitnah. whenever she wants to know someone’s business. ‘Shame. Margaret also needs her sleep. she puts on that sorrowful face. “We were just saying that Beeda shouldn’t be alone now.” “Beeda’s right. That Shariefa.” We laughed. She’s just dof when it comes to men. I know’. Garaatie’s not a bad egg. so full of herself. “She came yesterday with Rhoda. He knew his daughters-in-law well because the twins often visited their father with their families. Somehow his presence comforted me. eh?’ Then you’re supposed to say.” But she was uncomfortable and changed the subject. or about her own fatherless son who dated that girl who shot herself in a toilet in a nightclub? You don’t hear anything about that. We needed something to lift our spirits. Reza’s home three weeks now.” He looked around at the faces staring back at him. and he has Aids.” she said. He stood listening to us for a few minutes. “His breathing’s faster than this morning. She’s so biss. He has Aids and that’s it. It’s that Rhoda. ‘oh. And the truth is that he’s gay.” Munier came out of the room. and hadn’t really spoken to them in years. “She owes no explanation. I could see by Toeghieda’s expression that the story had moved her. and I’m not going to hide it. for instance.

I looked at the lifeless form of my son.” I turned to look at him.” While I sat in a chair by the bed and made du’ah for the safe passage of my deceased son. You take hold of it. “What time?” I asked. He poured two cups of tea. Elvis has left the building. It took a long time. She would have a busy day. I didn’t wake Margaret. Munier got busy on the telephone. “Call your father. He wasn’t with strangers. and a long. like he was taking a rest.
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. “He was a good boy. came from his lungs. We sat next to each other at the round table. You move into the storm. I made my own calls. We must be satisfied. I couldn’t cry. “No. Then it rose again. The colour had drained from his face. How did it happen?” “I was asleep in the chair when I heard choking sounds. The brain makes allowances. then returned and set up in the spare room. and covered the face. He pulled it back a little to show me. Munier was already in the kitchen making toast. as I put my arms around my son. he looked small.” I said. like a low whistle. The cup seemed to shake in his hand. We had two days left of Ramadan. and set a toasted cheese sandwich before me. “And the family. “Did you sleep?” I asked.” I knew then. a last time. and went to stand at the sink. He was still warm. “About an hour ago. Funny things come into your head. We took turns sitting with Reza. and comforted him. I put down my cup.Munier went home to fetch some things. his chest going up and down rapidly.” He walked me into the room. Then it dropped. We held each other. “We have to close his mouth. He stood with his face in his hands and cried. I thought. I touched my hand to his cheek. It’s unbelievable what you’re capable of at a time like this.” “I’m so glad Mummy brought him back. His mouth was open. He was struggling to breathe. When I got up at dawn to have something to eat before the fast started. He came to stand next to me.” We held each other for a while. He had already removed the oxygen mask and the drip and drawn the sheet over the face. slow sound. then he wound a band around the jaw and head to keep the mouth closed. and I waited. When he was done.

” Sawdah said. they kept to the back and followed the procession to the mosque. Braima was there when they climbed out. It’s Eid in two days. and there was Imran next to my sister. My family arrived within the hour. or even a bed in Shaheed’s room. And I have Margaret. but didn’t think anyone really knew what was going on inside of me. “There’s a spare room. Tomorrow. I haven’t really prepared anything. “We’ll bring Mummy some
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. His brothers were the three men in the hole who turned him on his side facing east. Zane and his brothers made arrangements for the death certificate and the hole.” Zane said. I needed someone to lean into. It was only after I’d swallowed the pill that I realised that I should’ve stopped eating or drinking ten minutes ago. Patrick didn’t come and say goodbye to me. Both still being where they’d said they didn’t want to be. it’s the other one’s turn. and placed the planks over him.But I made it easy on myself and took a tranquilizer with a glass of water. That night we were all together again for iftaar. it wouldn’t have been at his. Patrick and his friends stood in the yard. “Thanks.” Even if I did decide to spend a night at the home of one of my sons. Mummy. Braima and my sons washed the body. I was grateful for the family I had. Who was there for me? I didn’t need someone for a night or two. Friends. relatives. By ten the house was filled with people. and be the strong one. and to let go. But I knew I would hear from him. Tonight. a mother. it was Garaatie. Reza was buried at two. “Come and stay with us for a few days. one could hold the other. Parents didn’t bury children. How many times I’ve sat in kitchens after the toekamandies and the mourners had departed. but I can’t. and wrapped it. Zulpha and Toeghieda took care of the phone calls and announcement on the radio. Children buried parents. Of all the people I felt I wanted to talk to at that moment. When they carried the mayyit out. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be on my best behaviour around Rabia for two days. a father. As I sat there listening to my children argue over who I should stay with for one or two nights. Silent and watchful. As a guest I hardly felt comfortable.” “Don’t prepare anything. There was my ex-husband sitting with his wife. They’d found a way to make it all work. My daughters-in-law helped prepare the burial cloth and the cotton wool. He would like that. Only this time it was my son.

she looked at the people next to her and asked what was happening. Beeda. with thirty rand on her card. was finding him in the yard consoling Patrick. The man on the second machine from the right got up. I had a full pack of cigarettes. He had made some mistakes.” a woman with short blond hair said.cakes and things for the table. where I’d sat for three weeks and spent time with Reza. she got a spin. and Margaret was asleep. Come and have iftaar with us tomorrow night. there were fresh flowers on the dresser put there by Margaret. On the fourth push of the button. I decided not to play there. Let me know if there’s anything I can do. I sat down on the edge of the bed. Patrick was the one I felt most sorry for. I went into the room where Reza had been. Everything had been moved back and in place. But the oxygen tank in the corner brought a lump to my throat. he couldn’t really express his grief. and a whole lot of misplaced vengeance. Take care of yourself. He was a good man. I’ll see you on Eid. I waited for one of the five machines to become available.” He greeted everyone. She was so surprised. “You’ve won a thousand rand. Then I lay down with my head on the pillow.” Braima got up. “We have to go. One thing I hadn’t expected to see at the funeral. and regretted it.” “Thanks. An old woman with a thick cardigan and a doek on her head sat down. the bed had a new duvet cover.
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.” “Thanks. and who suffered in silence. but I want to be alone for the next little while. Even at the funeral. but the pillowcase was damp when I got up. Zane walked them to the door. I had thought about him since his declaration to me at Reza’s bedside. or reported that they’d seen me in the casino in the holy month. The one no one knew about. and hundred nights. “No. The overlooked mourner. and I knew it was ten past three in the morning when I got into my car. and it landed on a thousand. I didn’t care who saw me. I don’t know how long I stayed there.” “Are we getting together for the three nights?” I looked at my sons at the table. Of everyone present. I arrived at the casino and went straight to the machines where I’d lost all my money the previous time. forty. Just the seven. and said goodbye. That night when everyone had gone. and on the same night I’d buried my son.

It stopped on forty. The worst of it was. I withdrew five hundred rand. lit a cigarette. I thought. This money went even faster. I lost it. I got a spin. I knew it would give me nothing. It wasn’t the first time I’d chosen a wrong machine and overlooked one that paid repeatedly. then shortly after. I knew what unconscionable bastards the wheel of gold machines were. I inserted another. On my last hundred. But I’d taken two thousand five hundred rand from that card previously.” she said. “Really?” I felt depressed. I had lost fifteen hundred rand. give another. now. I returned to the machine and continued to play. I would have no money left. who now looked sorry for me. Was I going to do it? I’d lost a thousand already. I went back to the ATM and stood with my credit card in my hand. unless I took money from my credit card. I’ll just be a minute.m. I took her seat. I lost that also. You just need another hundred or two to turn that machine around. “Can you keep an eye on the machine for me? My card’s in it. It couldn’t possibly be this unrelenting. I’d seen these machines give a thousand. I couldn’t believe it.” It was easy to give advice when you were ahead. I sat down. I inserted a hundred-rand note. all my money was gone. I looked at my watch.She got up after her winnings. I turned to the woman again. the machine would give me something. but she had to be careful with that fifteen hundred on her card. I turned to the woman on my left. you didn’t want to get up and let someone else get what you’d put in. or she wouldn’t have it much longer either. I had been in the casino less than an hour. Two minutes later. “You shouldn’t have played there. yet. When this money was gone also. My limit was one thousand for the day.30 a. If I lost this.
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. Draw the money.” she said. and hadn’t paid any of it back. and as I inserted the last hundred rand into the slot. I returned to my seat and thanked the woman for watching my card. In less than twenty minutes. I couldn’t get up and play elsewhere. It was 4. and started to play.” I headed for the ATM machine and withdrew another five hundred. “That other woman got a thousand. The machine won’t pay again. Still. But I’ll keep an eye on it for you. The machine had taken a thousand rand of my money. She had fifteen hundred rand on her card. Surely. I held out some hope. “That man on your right just sat down and got a thousand. the five hundred rand I’d withdrawn from my savings account was gone.

She knew where I was going.I sat there. The two onlookers hovered in the background. I would’ve lost two thousand rand. I took my time. I could feel the devil’s breath at my ear. and the longer I played. putting her bag on my seat. It stopped on twenty-five rand. forty-rand cycle. I got a spin after three pushes. A beefy creature. Forty rand.” she said.
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. The woman on my left turned to me. I lit a fresh cigarette. I inserted my sixteenth hundred-rand note. But even if I got a thousand rand now. It was. A few pushes later. “At least it’s going up. waiting for my machine. “I just have to run to the loo. He pursed his lips as if to say. I didn’t allow myself to think. I found myself back at the ATM machine. With a tightness in my chest I returned to the machine. “It could be on a twenty-five. I lit a cigarette. I got another spin. I’d also read that it was a good thing to let the machine rest a few minutes every now and then. I watched my money go down slowly: seventy-five – sixty – thirty. turned around to see if there was a waitress. I would still be down five hundred. flashing the couple a look. not knowing what to do. that’s okay. The woman took her bag off the seat and I sat down.” I said.” I said. Behind me a couple teetered back and forth on their heels. lady?” the man asked. I’d lost fifteen hundred rand already and hadn’t even had something to drink. Do you mind?” “Not a problem. With fresh hope. On the third hundred-rand note I got several spins – nothing more than seventy-five rand. I played on. the better their chances to score big – unless I got a good combination or a thousand rand spin. I came to my last hundred rand. The only thing that changed was that it took a longer time to lose this hundred. but knew what it was like to be down and have someone else cash in on your loss. But I did lose it.” she said. we’ll wait till you’ve lost everything. and I won two hundred rand. I looked at him. On the last nine rand. I smelled their eagerness to cash in on my loss. Again I turned to the woman next to me. with a round blonde at his side. I just stuck in my credit card and withdrew another five hundred. They were waiting for me to run out of money. I felt a tap on my shoulder. If nothing happened with this hundred. I was so relieved. a wheel of gold and two of the purple bars locked into place. “Yes. “Are you still playing here.

I had my two thousand rand back.” Don’t. But I let a few more people have a go.” I said. The same thing happened. “Just give it a hundred. Other machines had become available. I watched with sadness as player after player lost their money. I sensed discontent behind me. Maybe you’ll be lucky again. “Why don’t you try. I played on. This time I really had to go to the loo. The couple was getting agitated. feeling mighty good that it wasn’t me. I inserted my card and a hundred-rand note. An hour later. A wheel of gold and two of the yellow bars. They got small spins of twenty-five and forty. The woman was playing on my machine. I returned with a waitress and ordered a coffee. I watched her lose three hundred rand. “You were lucky there. but they wanted mine. The couple had returned. Beeda. Now. I watched several people sit down and lose their money. Beeda. At last I got up. They knew how much money had gone into it. and a crowd of people watching me get spin after spin. and at one point had three thousand two hundred rand on my card. I stood with my money bulging in my bag. Get up. Get up. They knew that I wouldn’t get up now. I got a spin. I had more than half my money back. At ten-thirty I was still standing there. I had been at it for six hours and was exhausted. Three hundred rand. tempted to try again. Beeda. She got up and someone else sat down. I sat down. I continued to play and got another combination. and eventually lost.” “I don’t want to give it back. The couple behind me left. It landed on five hundred rand.m.00 a. plus an extra thousand. Finally. I got on. An hour later the machine had taken more than two thousand rand. After a toasted cheese sandwich I felt refreshed. the seat stood empty and no one wanted to go on. And so I prolonged their agony. I was up to eight hundred rand. and headed back to the wheel of gold machines.and told the woman to watch my machine. lady?” one of them said. The machine had taken in over four thousand in the time I’d stood watching. Take that money and go home.
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. I went to have breakfast in the lounge reserved for members. On the first hit. I sat at the machine until 9.

I wasn’t too bad. God . To think would be to feel guilty. replaced the money I’d taken from my credit card and squared everything up again. . and the machine made a ticking sound. I didn’t allow myself to think. . My son was not yet twenty-four hours in the ground. A weekend at a spa. I was a big spender now. I had exceeded my limit and had to leave. I said. I would treat myself. It had come easy and I had given it back even more easily. and to punish myself. I didn’t eat the rest of the day. but you’ll get something. A new cycle. My bag bulged with dirty money. and had a thousand rand on me. On Eid. I was a hypocrite. Three thousand rand was a luxury mattress. My visit had cost me three thousand rand. My Auntie-allowance had shot up from three hundred to five hundred to one thousand.
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. . then returned. I promise . I went back and withdrew a thousand from my credit card. I had lost it so fast.two wheels of gold and a five jumped onto the screen. It didn’t help. “Holy fuck!” the man exclaimed. I couldn’t pray with sincerity. lady! Four thousand rand!” The attendant came and handed me a cheque. I could hardly concentrate on the drive home. counting out my money – six thousand eight hundred rand – that I realised I had eaten. and lost everything. only had a cup of tea later that night. I owed no one money. A new TV. I told myself. Again I was lucky and won a thousand rand. That was the other day. I spent the day with my children. Go back. In no time I lost the whole thousand. hating myself. Right behind the wheel. until the seven nights was over. it hadn’t hit me yet. So you lost. I lost that money also. I went to the ATM and took out another thousand. But my winnings didn’t make me feel good. It was only when I was in the car. Eventually I went home. “You’re lucky. So maybe you won’t win it all back. My promise was good for two days when the urge was upon me again. I broke down. I left. and the day after that returned to the casino. Please. and went back to play. Something I’d done before and something I’d promised not to repeat. Over and over I berated myself. And I had the urge. . I sought comfort on my prayer mat. that Ramadan was not yet over. I had a few small spins. I came home with the money. This is a new day. After that I stayed away for a few days. But here I was again. Who did I think I was? I had no regard for the value of money.

I went back. Four mind-blowing days in a row. I won. I lost. I withdrew money. I replaced it. Two thousand. Three thousand. I lost count. Once I stayed from two in the afternoon until midnight, waiting for the day to change dates so I could withdraw more money and play on. I couldn’t get enough of the casino. I hated the atmosphere, the greediness, the illusion of fun, the pathetic grins, and I hated that I was one of them. But, I couldn’t stop. By the time of my son’s forty nights, I had lost all my money, had nothing left in my savings account, and owed the credit card company four thousand, five hundred rand. There was a small balance of five hundred left for that dire emergency, but if I took that, I would owe five grand. I sat at the kitchen table with the telephone, water, and electricity accounts spread out before me. The amounts totaled more than eight hundred rand. Even if I withdrew the five hundred from my credit card, I couldn’t pay all of them. And I still needed to pay the credit card, Margaret’s wages, put petrol in my car, buy groceries and the ingredients for the cakes and pies I had to bake for that evening. I couldn’t believe what I’d done to myself. I was a sensible woman, I always had money, and had always known how to manage my wealth. But I had spent my time in a palace of losers, getting high on the sound of machines and lost everything. Not one thousand, not two thousand. More than twelve thousand, and I owed four thousand, five hundred. What was I going to do? My sons gave me money, but it wasn’t the end of the month yet. I didn’t have three rand for a litre of milk. There was no money for bread. And I had a whole lot of people coming that evening for the forty nights. I felt a pain in my heart as I thought how disappointed my sons would be to know what I’ve done. A woman of forty-nine, a woman of ibadah, a woman who’d been to Mecca and knew the sins of gambling. You went there with your eyes wide open, Beeda. No one kidnapped you. You thought you were different. You thought because you were Muslim that you could control yourself. What a laugh. It’s got nothing to do with what God you pray to. It’s who you are. Who are you, Beeda? Who? It was 11.30 a.m. I was still sitting at the kitchen table, down to my last cigarette. I had people coming in less than eight hours. I watched Margaret through the back door talking to her friend, Evelyn, who worked four houses away. The two of them were deep in conversation, Margaret doing the listening, Evelyn the talking, a cigarette passing back and forth between them. When the cigarette was done, Margaret took another out of the front of her dress, lit it, and handed it to Evelyn. Evelyn was
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a younger woman, and from her woeful expression, the way she dabbed at her eyes with a wad of toilet paper – Margaret had brought out a toilet roll – and from Margaret’s serious concentration, I knew there was a dirty rat of a husband somewhere in the tale. Margaret’s been with me for a while. I got her through an agency in Grassy Park; about fifty, stringy as a beanstalk – says two words when you speak to her, eh-weh, Madam – but a heart of gold. “What does that mean, ‘eh-weh, Madam’?” Margaret didn’t hear. “Margaret, did you hear what I said?” Margaret went on merrily peeling potatoes. She refuses to go to the doctor to have her ears seen to. People who called my house knew about Margaret already. They didn’t bother to leave their telephone numbers. There was always a digit missing, or a letter in the name left out – like eith for Keith. Whenever I came home, and asked if anyone had called, I got the same answer. “Eh-weh, Madam. I wrote down.” “Who called, Margaret?” “Madam’s brother.” “Margaret, I don’t have a brother. “Eh, Madam, haikona.” And so it goes. I like Margaret. She may be a little deaf, but she’s not dof, and to look in her face when she’s sitting on the bench outside in the yard smoking a cigarette, is to look into the face of someone who has waited her whole life for things. People who come to my house know they’re not to order her around. Once I came home Margaret told me Nabeweya had been there in my absence. She couldn’t get the name right, and said, “Madam se vriend met die goue tande.” Madam’s friend with the gold teeth. She told me Nabeweya had told her to go into the yard to pick avocados from the tree. She told Nabeweya that no one was to go into my garden while I wasn’t there. Someone else had done it before and I’d been cross. Nabeweya told her to go out into the yard anyway. They looked up into the tree, the avocados were high up. Nabeweya made her stand on a rickety ladder, which she held, and told her to pick the fruit. Margaret picked four avos. Nabeweya told her to pick more. She went home with twelve avocados. When I got home, Margaret told me what had happened. I went out into the yard. The tree hadn’t borne a lot of fruit that year, and there were maybe two or three avos, very high up, which even if you stood on a ladder and reached up with a rake, you couldn’t reach.
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I called Nabeweya. “Listen, Nabe,” I said. “How are you?” “I’m fine, Alhamdu lilah. I was at your place, you weren’t there. Your girl gave me some avos.” “No, Nabe, that’s not how it happened. She told me you told her to go out and pick avos for you, and she told you that I would be cross. Someone else also came here once and went into my garden, and just beat the avos off the tree. I mean, really. I don’t go onto other people’s property, and just help myself to their things. It’s not the avos. Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. And you had her stand on a ladder. What if she fell? I’m pissed off, Nabe, and I don’t know if I’m more pissed off with you taking twelve avos, leaving me three, or whether I’m ticked that you came here and ordered Margaret around.” She was so upset, she didn’t walk with me for almost a year. Margaret came in with the toilet roll. Her friend, Evelyn, had gone back to work, and Margaret switched on the kettle for coffee. Margaret always ate breakfast around eight in the morning, but didn’t have coffee until around eleven. I could tell from her expression that she was concerned about something. “Everything all right, Margaret?” “No, Madam. “Wat’s verkeerd?” What’s wrong? “It’s Evelyn, Madam. That husband of hers. He got another woman. The woman come to see Evelyn.” “Evelyn’s husband lives with Evelyn on the premises?” “Yes, Madam, in a room in the yard. But he don’t come home for three days. The woman come.” “What did she want?” Margaret took the coffee out of the fridge. She didn’t answer right away “She come tell Evelyn she must get her another man.” “Bladdy nerve. What did Evelyn say?” “My friend, she’s soft, Madam. She cry. She’s pregnant. I tell her she must finish with this man. She must not blame the unborn child. She must have it. She must get rid of the man.” The very advice I would’ve given. Margaret, the listener, comforter, and giver of advice. My heart went out to them. Who can they turn to? And listening to them talk in their own language, is no different than listening to Rhoda, Garaatie and myself when we discuss our troubles. We judge
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people when they can’t speak English or Afrikaans as well as we can. We think they are stupid, that they have no heart, no feelings, no longing, and no aspirations. Margaret and Evelyn had their own language. We had never had to learn theirs; they were forced to know ours. We would’ve fared far worse in their world trying to make ourselves understood. I felt remorse as I thought how I myself was often guilty too. “That was good advice you gave her, Margaret. You can only be her friend, and support her through this.” “I know, Madam. She’s my friend.” “Margaret, how much money do you have?” Margaret had four children living with her mother in the Eastern Cape. In four months’ time, she was going home for a holiday, and I would have to give her double pay. “Madam?” “Have you got money?” “Eh, Madam. Madam needs?” “I need five hundred rand, until next week. Have you got?” “Yes, Madam.” “I’ll give it back to you.” “I know, Madam. I don’t need it now, but when I go home.” “Don’t worry, Margaret. You’ll have the money before you go home.” She went to get the money out of her cupboard, and came back with a brown paper bag, and counted out five one-hundred-rand notes. Margaret never wanted me to pay her in fifties or twenties. “I’m going to eat it, Madam,” she said, meaning that change was a dangerous thing for her to have as she would spend it. She liked sweets, and I made sure I had toffees and licorice in the house. Margaret bought three cartons of cigarettes once a month, kept the change in a small little purse, and saved the hundred-rand notes in a brown paper bag. It had to be a crisis at home in the Eastern Cape for Margaret to open this brown paper bag, take off the elastic band around the little roll, and part with the money. She saved everything she earned to take home with her for her children. It made me sad to see how generous she was, knowing where I was going with that money. But Margaret’s five hundred rand was my last, desperate attempt to change the situation I was in. I went to the shop and bought all the things I needed for the savouries I had to make for that night. I put petrol in my car, and went to the casino with the balance of two hundred rand. “Madam’s going to Auntie?”
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If I lost it I would be in real trouble.” He laughed. until I lost the hundred I’d put in. The money on the card went up and down. “Yes. “Thank you. I saw you some time ago. I was saved.” “And I want the address for Gamblers Anonymous. I don’t want them to cut the line. Two hundred rand was suddenly a lot of money. “You must never go there.” When Margaret was gone. I got up. Abeeda? Have you been gambling?” “I think we have to have that talk. and left the casino.” I headed straight for the wheel of gold machines. I continued to play. Margaret’s brows shot up when she saw me open my purse. and it stopped on a thousand rand. you borrow from. Margaret.” I often gave her a hundred rand when I won.” He was quiet for a moment. It’s not a good place. Maybe I should talk to you. You lend to. I just had enough to do the necessaries. plus the hundred I’d won.” “And don’t lend me anything if I ask again. “Of course I remember you. and you can tell me what to do. please go and pay this telephone account.”
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. you must promise me.” “Because Madam can lend. I’m a sick woman. I don’t know if you remember me. Madam. “Auntie was very happy to see me. On the first push. Margaret. “All right. Madam. Madam doesn’t need?” “Not today.I smiled. Margaret.” “Eh. right?” “No. I don’t owe you anything else. Madam. How’s it going. Margaret. Immediately I got a hundred rand spin.” Margaret smiled.” “Never. The lady with the scarves.” “And before you start packing away the groceries. I inserted a fifty-rand note. I was apprehensive when I stuck in my card. I lost that also. I lit a cigarette. but not that day. cashed in. “Auntie was good today to Madam?” I laughed. Margaret. Abeeda Ariefdien. I looked about. I phoned John. She didn’t say a word when I handed her back her five hundred rand. Thanks. wondering if people could tell from my face how worried I was. I got a spin. not lend. and inserted the last fifty rand. John. I couldn’t believe it. Margaret. “John.” “Borrow.

ith a pain in my heart, I stood with my family and watched Imran put the ring on Zulpha’s finger. She looked up at him through mascaraed lashes and smiled. My heart broke, and for a reckless moment I wanted to scream out, and stop the proceedings. He doesn’t love her! I wanted to shout. How is this fair! I don’t know how I managed to stand there and look happy and wish them. It was the longest night of my life. I hated that I’d had to consider my sister. Would she have done the same for me? I who was always accused of being the brash one? No one thought a big mouth had feelings. Every time I thought of them, a pain swept through my heart. I thought of what he was doing with her. I thought of her in his arms, under him, receiving his love. I hated him for being able to do it. How could you do it if you didn’t love? Then I would remember that he hadn’t wanted to marry Zulpha, and forgave him. Then I hated him again. Over and over, round and round, the beginning of a vicious spiral of hate and forgiveness that knew no end. I couldn’t bear the mention of his name. If I heard it in conversation, I left the room. I wanted to know nothing about him. But I did my duty as a sister. I attended family functions. I baked, I brought presents, I sat with cousins and aunts and listened to all the stories about her wonderful life. Imran started work on my mother’s house soon after they got married. I still referred to it as my mother’s house even after they’d bought it. He was always busy in the yard mixing cement, or fixing some piece of equipment. He would greet me, spend a few minutes in idle chatter, then stay out of my way. He made sure we were never alone. I couldn’t believe how it had all turned out. In my own convoluted little brain, I had thought he would marry her and love me. I had thought we would still have a loving relationship. I hadn’t expected that he would cut me off like that. He didn’t seem hard-pressed by the marriage he’d said he didn’t want, and in fact, seemed to have settled in very well. Where was his suffering? If he had loved me, why was there no evidence of it?
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W

The weeks passed. I started to make excuses for one or two family functions, and found reasons to stay away. Things also took a turn at the office. One Saturday morning Dr Lewinsky called me at home and asked if I could come in for a few hours. There were some reports he had to get out. I said I would ask my babysitter if she could look after Reza. I didn’t remind him that I didn’t type and that Marion did the reports. I knew well what the call was about. I told him I would be at the office in an hour. I slipped into jeans and a T-shirt, and examined myself in the mirror. My hips were narrow, my legs long and strong. They didn’t call me Beeda Boude for nothing in high school. I ran for my team in standard six. And with my hair reaching into my back, I looked like one of those mod girls with the thick eyeliner and black fringe and straight black hair you always saw in ads on Carnaby Street. Like Cher in the early days. I arrived at the office and found him waiting for me in the reception area. He too was in jeans. There was no briefcase or files. The light wasn’t on in his office. We both knew why he’d called and why I was there. “Let’s go to Sea Point,” he said. “Okay.” “And call me Paul. In the office you’ll say doctor.” “All right.” I got into the passenger seat of the silver Mercedes. I didn’t look at him. I wanted a bit of fun and attention, anything that could make me forget for a few hours. He stopped on Beach Road at the ice-cream parlour and bought two huge cones with chocolate flakes. We didn’t go for a walk, or for coffee. We couldn’t be seen together; he lived in Sea Point. So we sat in the car watching the waves, licking our cones. “I’d like to show you my house,” he said. “Sure.” “You know you’re a very attractive girl.” I glanced at him. “Thank you.” “Do you have a boyfriend?” “I thought I had.” “What happened?” “He married my sister.” “Oh.” He took out two serviettes from the glove compartment, and handed one to me. ‘I’m sorry to hear that.”
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“It’s all right. She knew him first. I don’t know why I told you.” “Maybe you just needed to say it. How do you feel?” “Not good.” “I’ve been there,” he said. “It’s hard in the beginning, but you’ll get over it.” I listened to him. What did he know? If he knew anything about love, he wouldn’t be sitting with me in a car thinking of cheating on his wife. “You’re young,” he continued. “You have your whole life ahead of you.” “I have four children.” “That’s all right. When a man falls in love, he doesn’t care how many children you have. Men give up their children for love.” “Really?” “Yes. I don’t mean they don’t have a relationship with them. They do. They see them on weekends, they take them to parks and movies, and spend time with them, but they will leave home for a woman they love.” I thought of Braima who’d left a pregnant wife and three children. “I guess you’re right. Do you fall in love when you’re happily married?” “You’re not happily married if you look around.” I could’ve told him then that he wasn’t, but didn’t say anything. I was digesting what he’d said. It was almost two years since Braima’s departure, but I still hurt when I remembered how it had all come to a crashing end. And it was for another woman. That was what hurt most. That it made you feel that you hadn’t been good enough, or pretty enough, or exciting enough. That’s how you felt irrespective of what the truth was. We talked some more, then he started the car. “I won’t take you to my house now,” he said. “That’s fine.” He drove back to the office, and thanked me for coming with him. He waited for me to get into my car. “Take care of yourself.” “I will. Thank you.” But the outing had changed the dynamics between us. At the office on Monday he was flirtatious when we were alone, and I took even more care with my appearance. I wore pants instead of dresses and skirts, and wore my hair loose now instead of tied back. On Friday, when the last patient had left, and I was picking up the cotton gowns from the doctors’ rooms, and taking them to the front where the cleaning woman collected them, Paul Lewinsky followed me out, and spun me around. It happened so fast, one moment he was holding my
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hand, and the next I was up against the wall and his mouth was on mine. I stood trembling under his touch. At last he let go of me. “I’m very attracted to you, Abeeda.” I was too shaken to speak. I snatched my purse from the counter, and ran. In the car I saw I was late for the babysitter. Traffic was thick, it was Friday. I arrived at Nisa’s house just as she was getting ready to go grocery shopping. I thanked her for waiting, strapped Reza into the car seat, and drove home. When I took the corner into my street, I saw Imran’s bakkie in the driveway. He was playing ball with the twins in the yard. My heart thundered in my chest. The twins left the ball and came running up. “Mummy . . . ” I kissed them and handed Reza to Munier and told them to go inside. “What’re you doing here?” I asked. “Is that how you’re going to speak to me?” “What are you doing here?” “Beeda, please . . . ” “Fuck off!” He turned to look at the back door to see if the children had heard. There was no one. “Can I talk to you?” “There’s nothing to talk about. I don’t want to see you.” “You told me to do this.” “I didn’t tell you to throw me to the dogs. I didn’t think you would slip right into your nice little marriage and forget about me.” “I didn’t forget you. Do you want me to lead a double life?” “What do you think this is, coming here? Are you here with your wife?” “I wanted to talk to you.” “What about?” “I’m not going to talk if you’re like this.” He started to walk away. “No, talk to me! Don’t come here and play with my feelings. What do you want to talk about? I wish you’d never written that letter, and come into my life.” He stopped and turned to me. “How do you think I feel? I’m with her, and I’m thinking of you. How is that fair? And when you visit, I stay out of your way. It’s too hard for me to be in your company. If I’m to have any chance in that marriage I have to kill you off in my brain.” I wanted to cry when he said it. “Then kill me off. What are you doing here now?”
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“How does it feel to have sex with her?” “Stop. I fucking love you. He couldn’t give more. when I can’t have you? You told me it was better this way.” I said. but I was too angry. He was forbidden by all the rules. An office attraction that played itself out in a rented flat. “Don’t come here again!” I shouted. “Auntie Toeghieda’s picking me up. “I just wanted to see you. “Go inside.” “That’s it? You just wanted to see me? What must I do with that?” “Zulpha had a miscarriage. I have to pick her up at the medical centre. I saw him on Wednesday and Friday nights at a flat in Bantry Bay. and knew that what happened on the fake leopard skin couch was all there was. remember? I’m spending the weekend with them. When his wife called at the office. I didn’t expect more. Beeda. You couldn’t handle it. “Do you want me to leave her.” “There’s no school tomorrow. I didn’t think of the consequences. Imran? You manage. I made no demands. I wanted to see you.” It was a serious bit of news. That means she was pregnant. Hurting souls.” I turned back to Imran. “A miscarriage? My.” “How does it feel. I had no feelings of guilt. Marion quit
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.“I couldn’t stay away another day. I had moments left. You’re having a hard time getting it right. Hungry bodies. Do your homework. don’t you? You get it up?” “I hate it when you get like this. on the other.” “Go and get ready then. “I didn’t love you. “Don’t fucking come here!” And so began my torrid affair with Dr Paul Lewinsky. I miss you. There’s no past tense to this. what’s wrong?” “Nothing. When I had worked for the good doctor for six months.” I started to walk away. Beeda?” “And do you want to know what I did with the doctor an hour ago?” “What?” “Never mind. I brought tea and asked about the children.” he answered. His car keys were in his hands. He pulled my hand. but I didn’t care. It wasn’t love. But what is this love. my life was slipping away.” “You hate it? It’s uncomfortable for you? I’m hurting!” Zane came out of the house. On one side.” My nastiness flared up again. aren’t you?” His eyes pleaded with mine. it was going on furiously. “Mummy.” He lowered his head and walked away to the van.

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.her job. I didn’t know what. Four weeks later I got a call from Zulpha who told me she was pregnant. Like you’re fucking my sister. “I fucked him. and a new secretary started. Both had been brutally honest. and went to see her. I would check the classifieds and look for another job. I went to his flat and fucked him. I had two men now I was pining about. he cancelled our Friday night appointment and said he had things to take care of at home. First. flip-flopping my way through this new development. Zulpha had told me that Garaatie was going to Muslim school one night a week. but didn’t really know anything about her. and was raving about the calipha. Zulpha thought it was out of happiness. but I’d never deluded myself that Paul Lewinsky would leave his wife and go Muslim. It was at this time that I really came to know Garaatie. but the news confirmed that I had to take stock of my life. A child was on the way. He called her the new girl so I would think his queries cold and impersonal. From Jennifer’s very first week his manner towards me changed. cunning and confident. isn’t it? You don’t love her. but no longer invited me to eat with him. and was there two days when she told me Paul Lewinsky was cute.” He put down the phone. and had come to know her a little better after my mother’s death. and asked a little too much about the new girl. His radar flickered like a beacon in distress. I spent the weekend in bed feeling sorry for myself and doing a lot of thinking. I could tell right away that she was smart. It’s a fuck. The following week Jennifer went to get his lunch. It was the day after I’d gone to Paul’s flat the first time. I cried. Imran had also called some time ago to ask what I’d done with the doctor. He still asked me to get his lunch. I went home that evening feeling like a loose undersole. I didn’t know which one I hated more. That night I sat in her living room and got an inkling of the kind of man she was married to. and both had betrayed me. She got on the pony right away. For a long time I never heard from him. I decided that when I got to work on Monday. A week after that she came to work with two hickeys in her neck – much like the ones I’d sported a few weeks earlier. I had known Garaatie for about two years as my mother’s neighbour. Paul Lewinsky picked up the scent. I was in search of something. And I had allowed it. I had set myself up. I had to let go. Jennifer Fiedler was a stunning girl with blue eyes and soft brown hair.

I had been at her house almost three hours. “Are you going to be long?” Garaatie asked.She’d been married two years. I told her what Zulpha had told me and asked how she’d come across this new Muslim teacher.” I said. Abdul Latief. I didn’t know anything about her personal life at that time. and please be with me. Everything has to make sense. Please forgive me. and found out what I wanted to know. We talked for a while longer. He has a madressah. and told me that she had just found out she was pregnant again. and greeted him. Of course you can come.” An hour later.” “Okay. and made a fresh attempt with God. “Did you have plans for this evening?” “He’s never home long enough for us to have plans. I had some things to file away that I hadn’t done the Friday. and wanted the desk to be cleared
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. went on my prayer mat. that this and that is going to happen to you. He’s not one of those die-hards who points a finger at you and says if you don’t obey the Word. Mahmood still hadn’t come home. She didn’t look happy when she told me. He’s in Penlyn Estate. Allah.” he said. he says. Garaatie had a ten-month-old son. By the time I got up and said I had to go. and tells you repeatedly that the Qur’an wasn’t just for the desert. wearing a sports jacket. had a shower. On Monday morning I went to work early. Please. I had made a mistake with Imran.” “Where’s his school?” I asked. I joined. and he explains things in a way that’s easy to understand. and again I didn’t pry. “Can I come with you?” “His house isn’t far from here. forgive me my trespasses. I arrived home. I’d met him before. “Half an hour. Garaatie was starting to glance at the clock. He’s educated and modern. “I’m just going to Faried quickly to pick up a gasket. His hair looked freshly combed. She had inspired me with her talk about Abdul. “I was interested in knowing more about polygamy. who’s very enlightened.” Mahmood came into the living room.” I could’ve asked – she looked like she needed to talk – but didn’t. “I hope Mahmood didn’t mind me coming here. please. and someone told me to go see this mu’alim. I left her house glad that I’d gone to see her.

He was standing. The sister who cared deeply and wanted the best for Zulpha. I just stood there. The struggle against the open enemy. I found Jennifer in the back office with Paul Lewinsky. fairish man with green eyes. sat at the head of the group. Another woman and her daughter arrived. and the session started. When I received a cheque in the mail two weeks later. sat on couches and chairs in the lounge. but the light on when I entered the reception area. and a neat beard. I had no intention of working in an office again.” We stood at the gate for a few minutes talking. and walked out. “Tonight I want to talk about the demands of the ego. Twelve women ranging in age from twenty-something to older ladies in their sixties. Satan. “Maybe they tried to call me. “I want to talk about jihad. Abdul asked a few questions. and to the women. I didn’t run. She was kneeling before him with her face in his crotch. instead
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. and walked to the small kitchen area to switch on the kettle. when Imran got out of the jeep and told me. Garaatie introduced me to Abdul.” Another miscarriage. The jihad with the self. It was a standard bungalow with a dining room and lounge. dressed in jeans with a beige top over it. There was nothing more to think about. and our preoccupation with me. and wanted desperately to separate myself from my sister’s life. “I wasn’t home today. She’s in hospital. I couldn’t believe it. with his pants dropped to his ankles.” I lied. I left my bag on the front desk. I arrived at the office to find the door locked. then Garaatie and I sat on chairs brought in from the dining room. We entered the house. or make any utterances. I had such a fright. “Did your sister call you?” “What news?” “She had a miscarriage this afternoon. I was outside in the garden. Satan who wants us to follow our desires. my.” Abdul said. I felt I was two people. and mine. and the rejected lover who hated the man who had started all this. My brief stint as a receptionist was over. looking at the two of them. I just turned around. “Did you hear the news?” she asked. but I was in another place now. On Wednesday night I met Garaatie in front of Abdul’s house. and the sister who again was getting what she wanted. A young.before the day started. My mind whirled with the news of a second child lost. I. I didn’t question either the amount or the forms that came with it.

His talk was tailor-made for me. and coming at the right time. If we leave here thinly padded. and knew I’d be back.” I was drawn in. money. His approach is different. So let us talk about the ego . We sat in my car for a few minutes before driving home in our respective vehicles. Garaatie. these things don’t help you. You can’t be a slave to two masters. “That was an interesting talk. . of course. even the ones not mentioned in the Book. Unless you want to come in the evening. Thanks. He doesn’t give you the party line. Not Fridays. This is where the ego comes in. “That was really great. you start to identify with externals. we will wander there as we’re floundering here. you start to fear loss. Pleasure. I was looking for an effective way to end my pain. I had thought the lecture would be about what to do and what not to do. Is it possible to see you outside of this class?” “Of course. I had realised that I put my forehead on the ground five times a day. He knows all the scriptures.” “I told you. Not the way we were taught. and I left with Garaatie. These are not things that will sustain us. I went up to Abdul. I was looking for God. “That doesn’t mean that you can’t be rewarded for hard work. And he’s progressive. but these are not things we should aspire to.of the path of God. The lecture ended. .” I looked at the faces of the other women. something that could save me. These things are here also for us to enjoy. It leads to isolation. and worst of all. It’s the spiritual life we must seek out. Were they there also because of the pain in their hearts? Abdul was young. but I’m free from three in the afternoons. sex. without having learned anything after a lifetime on earth. but the words sin and punishment didn’t pass his lips once. or that you can’t have that car you’ve always wanted. “I really enjoyed listening to you.” I said. The next life is forever. or going through some painful experience. I wanted some nugget of light I could take into my heart and act on.” We agreed on a time. But more and more doesn’t make anyone happy. but didn’t know a darn thing about God. Satan who promised that he would mislead us.” he said. “I have classes three mornings a week at the university. We will leave this world with nothing except a level of spirituality that will continue in the next life.”
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. When you’ve lost a husband or a child. I wasn’t there to learn how to behave as a Muslim. We will not have a chance in the next life to change things. or nice things. I’m glad I came. power. The ego believes in acquiring more and more. and I have so many other things I’d like to ask you.

and still be hurt by a past loss.” “What’s the story?” “Abdul’s sort of the Muslim equivalent of a priest. She has a lot of customers. I spoke to Garaatie. Sometimes the current involvement is because of a past loss. but I could tell that she was disappointed.
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. Zulpha called to say that she’d lost the baby. and moulding the chocolate. and also got pocket money. Anyway.” I said. I heard about the birth of the baby girl of my ex-husband. then try again. I went around in my Beetle to the shops. but also took time for myself and my children. There wasn’t only the pain of Imran. My children had two pairs of shoes each.” “There is. I worked at my business during the day. She made light of it. Iris. Braima. I experimented with peanut clusters. I couldn’t keep up. She says there’s money in chocolates. Is he married?” She smiled. that they had a sister. In a few months I had so many orders. “I quit my job at the medical centre. While Iris worked at melting. to go into making sweets. “He’s thirty-three. My friend Mareldia ran a thriving business from her home.” “I was.” I said. I didn’t fret when Braima’s maintenance payment was late. for all this knowledge. I can give you some contacts.Progressive and modern were bad words in the community. I was saving up for a bigger car and bikes for the children. And so I started a little business in my garage with one helper. You can be in love with someone. and a lot of baking chocolate and nuts. I quit. Monkery wasn’t allowed in Islam. “There’s a story that goes with Abdul. She said she would wait a few months. He’s given up earthly love to devote his life to the purification of the soul.” It had been Zulpha’s idea about the pies in the beginning. I worked hard at getting Imran out of my thoughts. I didn’t sit at home and fret. The day following my visit to Abdul’s house. “You did? I thought you were happy there. She buys her chocolate from a special place. I said nice things.” “That’s young. and it was her encouragement again. new blazers for school.” It seemed odd to me that anyone would do that. a gas burner. I was making more money now than at the medical centre. She made all kinds of sweets. mixing. after a weekend visit to their father. “He’s young. I heard from my sons. truffles and fudge.

” “What do you mean?” “The author’s implying that as man evolved. just moved to Rylands.” he said to me once. I invited him to my house. This is Garaatie. I shared his love for history. After four or five times with these two friends. After a while I was seeing him so much. I took my three older children to a matinée once a month. he showed me a different view of God. My days and evenings were full. We must chat. “but I wasn’t sure. I had always loved Bible stories. I no longer went to madressah.” This was the beginning of our teas. I’m in Rondebosch East. How are you? You married Braima. She talked openly about her husband. One Wednesday evening. and found a new way of seeing things. and the old patriarchs. the past. and went to the Bible and the Tawrah to read things for myself. We met there. It happened by accident the first time when
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. You must come to my house. I worked at First National for ten years. When the lecture was over. I saw Abdul. We have an understanding now to become highly spiritual beings. She and her husband. It was Rhoda. yes. “I search his pockets. so had God. “Garaatie used to live next door to my mother. our movies. These discussions with Abdul took me in a direction that helped me greatly overcome the shallow happenings in my life. but from those early days with Abdul already. made him things to eat. you know.” I said. but I got to know her much better now. And I went on. “I recognised you too. especially the stories about Jesus.but I hurt. We’re near each other. they just had a daughter. He’s married again. Man did evolve. before I stopped going to madressah altogether. I went out. I recognised her immediately. didn’t you?” “I’m divorced now. Garaatie had thus far only been my madressah friend.” I did think about it. I went up to her.” “My goodness. And you?” “I married Rudwaan. one of the women in the group brought along a friend. It’s something to think about. and our walks together. and had lengthy discussions with him. Almost three years.” she said. I knew every little secret in their lives. “I read this book. We live in Athlone now. I still don’t know if I believe that God had changed. I read books. Mahmood.” “You mean the old God was harsher?” “Yes. a girl I’d known from my days in high school. “that the God of pestilence and plagues was the God of four thousand years ago.

and were also there. and my short stint as a receptionist at the medical centre.” Rhoda told me about the squabbles with her mother-in-law. and found this folded up piece of paper with two numbers on it. The plum-coloured dress with the gold dragons. My hair was pinned up Chinese style. The woman lived in the same house with them. “Wow. Rudwaan’s sister. He goes out a lot by himself.” “It’s a present. On my thirtieth birthday my sisters came to my house and surprised me with a cake. upstairs. Rhoda and Garaatie had come for tea. There was no name or anything. The visitors arrived as I came out to show them what I looked like. I like it.” I told them about my failed marriage. “That style really suits you. my feelings hadn’t changed.” “And it suits you. was because it was a gift from Rhoda who’d seen me admiring it in a boutique when we’d gone out for coffee and cake the previous month. and didn’t cook on Saturdays. The reason I remember the dress. and didn’t like her because Rhoda didn’t cook for her son the way she had.”
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. but said nothing about Paul Lewinsky or Imran. Fawzia. What disturbed me though was realising that. and slits. I talked about Braima. “You have the body. you look smashing!” Zulpha said. Beeda.I was looking for money in one of his trousers. Even though his child had already lived in her womb. and I was sorry I’d told him.” “It’s a bit tight. Even after all my soul searching. I remember what I had on that day.” Toeghieda said. Even though he was with my sister. the mandarin collar. I had to put on the dress for my friends. I couldn’t let Rhoda think she was the only one who’d worked in an office. They don’t have to go up so high. but I just wondered whose numbers they might be that it doesn’t even require a name. Fawzia lost her husband six months ago in a car crash. despite all my efforts at trying to forget him. Telling him about the doctor had made it easier for him to forget me. “But she won’t be with us long.” Garaatie added. pleading and beseeching. and Rhoda had pinned up my hair. is moving to a house in the Bo-Kaap in six weeks – she was lucky to get it – and his mother’s going to live with her. It was the first time I saw Imran since his visit to my house a month earlier. And Rhoda served rolls and viennas on Fridays. “You can make the slits shorter. she’s alone.

I would’ve slammed the phone against his head.” he said. surely.” My heart pumped in my chest. But it’s all we can have. Imran. “So the lady in the Chinese dress.” There was a moment’s silence.” Everyone had something to say about the dress except Imran. “Don’t. “I’m not okay. I didn’t say anything.”
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. Beeda?” “What’s there to talk about?” “We can be friends.” he said. “Is this what you called me for? You want to be my friend?” “Of course not. But he called me the next day. “I won’t ask if I can come and see you.“Don’t tell her things like that.” If he had been in front of me.” Toeghieda said. “She doesn’t need any encouragement. “Say goodbye. “Are you not going to talk to me.” “How are you?” “As you saw.” “You don’t know that you hurt me. I said nothing. do you?” He didn’t answer. Are you never going to talk to me? I miss you. You looked divine. I refused to get into it.

“You won’t feel uncomfortable at all. I can’t even go to the airport. I didn’t know Achmat was a gambler and was very surprised to see him here. without taking a turn at the casino. There were many addictions floating about in that room. I glanced at him. Abeeda. and see if my number comes up. “I’m a compulsive gambler. We have three newcomers tonight.” a tall youth started.” he said. A silverhaired man in his sixties came up to me. “I’m Abeeda. Muslims wouldn’t be seen in a place like Gamblers Anonymous. To put my chips down on the table. I get the urge.” I met several people before the meeting got started. I have this terrible urge for roulette. The Qur’an said gambling’s a sin.I
saw John twice before I was brave enough to drive myself to a school hall at Cairncross and Protea on a Tuesday night to attend Gamblers Anonymous. I haven’t been here before. or up the N7 or N1. and he wouldn’t tell either. The room soon turned blue with smoke. they all want to stop gambling. and introduced himself. “My name’s Keith. I make a detour to avoid passing any of the exits. Achmat Samaai. They didn’t commit sin. But I suffer through it. but went along with the pretence.” I raised my eyebrows when I walked in with my double scarves. My urges come every few minutes.” he said. “I’m Gavin.” John told me. But I stay away. The meeting started and we sat in a circle facing one another. Muslims didn’t gamble. The mornings are the hardest. I knew he’d recognised me. leaning back in the chair. “Everyone there is just like you.” “Don’t be nervous. Any time I get close to that brown sign. And they never would admit it by being there. I
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.” He paused. “Let me introduce you to Robin and some of the others. I wouldn’t tell anyone. and spotted a man I knew from the Bo-Kaap. and every day’s a struggle for me. I’m a driver. rearranging his long legs in front of him. “I’ve been clean now for three months and six days.

They knew what was next. They changed the dealer. and women of all sizes. I could hardly stand on my feet so tired was I. The expressions were grim.smoke. I knew also. Here people placed five and ten thousand rand bets. Whatever the winnings. My luck didn’t change. I didn’t even spread the chips around. I’m a heavy smoker already. I asked people to tell me what year they were born. I don’t know what happened. This room was even more intimidating. I would only play a hundred rand. I couldn’t believe it when the number came in. “We had arrived there at six in the afternoon. I recognised one or two from the casino. some with long cigarettes and mournful expressions. Keith continued. You all know I kicked crack thirteen months ago. but he’d gotten a big cheque. two of the bosses – I guess from upstairs – came downstairs. He went to play at another table. and had no strategy. and lost. I didn’t want to spend the money he’d given me. or how people kept track of numbers. By midnight. and would pick the last two digits. I just chose numbers and they came up. I won another fifteen thousand rand. but still wanted the thrill of his win. Two hours later. jeans.”
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. thirty-six. At midnight. “At one in the morning. I’m still clean. “I won’t bore you with details. On our way to the exit.” he continued. I gave my friend back the five hundred rand he’d given me and a thousand rand bonus. No one had ever given me money before. Jeremy lost the two thousand rand he’d come with. There was no place to stack them on the table.” I noted the smiles and the nods. Men in business suits. By this time I had forty-three thousand rand. We decided to go to the casino. I took my chips and cashed in. “My problem started fourteen months ago when my friend Jeremy got a cheque from his grandfather’s estate. and I had them dripping out of my pockets. and decided to try my luck. I had never been to a casino before. and I watched. track pants. and watched me. and he felt generous. Jeremy suggested we go to the private room in the hotel. I had over sixteen thousand rand in chips. all the stories ended the same.” I looked at the other gamblers. I knew nothing about roulette. I just put the whole hundred rand on a number. Jeremy played roulette. I had everyone standing around me. and so giddy from the experience. but I’d watched for two hours. I still remember it. and was swept up by the atmosphere. and I decided to give it a try. To tell you how naïve I was. and gave me five hundred rand. where the big dogs played.” I watched the faces about me.

“I now owed three loan sharks money. but I still did it. It broke my heart that I stole from her. my indebtedness to them reached two hundred thousand rand. I had a job in a printing shop. I started to sell things. My guitar. no job. I would win big. I went to the casino.” he said. “Eventually I had nothing left to sell. which made me indebted to him for twelve thousand rand. I had no income to continue the payments. I couldn’t believe it. “I went to the casino every night after that hoping to repeat my performance. I’d heard many good-luck casino stories. and buy it back. I started to write cheques to the casino. I had all my songs composed on it. in that last hope that I would hit it big again. I had payments of eleven hundred rand a month. It was worth about eight thousand rand. but kept telling myself that things would change. One of them had already started
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. But I had no money now. I wondered if everyone was expected to spill their guts like this. To cover the cheques. I’m a part-time musician. I quit that to gamble full time. and had accounts to pay. and given only ten thousand rand as a deposit. worth about seven thousand. I sold it for seven hundred. I couldn’t pay.He paused. I went to a loan shark. “That was the beginning.” Keith’s story was long. I was a professional. “I took it to the coin exchange in Adderley Street. who I imagined was his mother.” I listened to this tale of horror and told myself that I didn’t belong in that room. but had never heard one like this before. I fell more and more in arrears. and they came for the car. I had the touch. I borrowed and I gambled and I lost. looking up at no one in particular. earning five thousand rand a month. and got two hundred rand. a Gibson. I told myself. I’d bought a new car the day after my big win. I lost everything I’d won and everything I’d saved up. And it was obviously true for the group seemed familiar with some aspects of the tale. I borrowed money from other loan sharks to cover this one.” He turned to look at an older blonde woman with a severe haircut next to him. There was no money in the bank. and the car depreciated further. After that my drum machine had to go – a 505. You know the rest. I went to my mother’s house and stole her gold bracelet. I sold it to a guy on the Cape Flats for a thousand. The loan shark covered my eight-thousand rand debt. Finally. his eyes focussed on a spot on the floor. I could give the car back and pay off what I owed them. I lost. rearranging his legs.

but every day I manage not to go. forces me to stay away. Being banned. The amount I owed them got larger. I haven’t been desperate enough yet to disguise myself and sneak in. and I flung open the car door to throw myself out. is a victory. I went back to my old job as a printer. I would be arrested.to make threatening phone calls to the house. Jeremy had to hold on to me. coming home from a club. He drove me straight to my mother’s house. They were good enough to take me back. “My mother called my father. “My name’s Robin. They were going to take my picture. I still have the urge to go. He came right away.” I looked at the woman next to him.” I glanced at my watch. The room was thick with smoke. When I was finished. ‘I’m going to help you if you do exactly as I say’. One night Jeremy and I were on the highway. Finally. He would phone me the next day and tell me where I was going to go for treatment. If I went to the casino even once. and said. but this one silenced him.” His mother took his hand into hers. he got up and paced around the living room. She had a sympathetic expression. This didn’t even dent the interest. He was going to pay for it. I was going to start work in his company. but I’ve thought about it. He was going to pick me up the next morning and take me to the casino. “The next day my father came back to the house.” Keith’s eyes squeezed shut. but there was a hardness also that said that she agreed with the father. he would disown me. I’m a compulsive gambler. After treatment. There was one more thing he wanted me to do. He listened to the story. His story had taken almost fifteen minutes. Going for treatment saved me. He asked for the names and addresses of the people I owed the money to. We have some new people here tonight. and pay back my debt. There wasn’t a sound in the room except for a match being struck. Maybe we’ll just go around the room and introduce ourselves. I paid three thousand rand to the loan sharks at the end of the month. He had contacted the casino. “It’s been three months and six days now. And if I was seen even once in any casino or at a race track or place of gambling. The group leader for the evening said a few words. I was going to have myself banned. I lit a cigarette also. while I sat crying hysterically. but I take it one day at a time. My parents are divorced. If I was seen anywhere on the floor. I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t eat. He was a boardroom guy and was used to making decisions. he was finished with me. and it’s hard to stay away. By this time I had lost ten kilos. he came to sit in front of me.”
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I pay women for sex and do anything they want. but I don’t think I’m compulsive. I sat there for three hours. The meeting ended at nine-thirty with coffee and cake. I’m a compulsive gambler.A young man sitting across from me. clean cut.” I looked at him. and I took her money. Some of them smiled. Eventually her eyes closed and she just slumped behind the wheel. and the beauty of it was.” I saw the faces. “One night I was with this girl in her car in front of a restaurant. the teller was completely unashamed. There were five more stories. said. Then my other addiction surfaced. Achmat Samaai only gave his name. Finally. it was my turn. but spoke of a life completely out of control. He’d been there before.” I said. I haven’t touched alcohol in five years and I haven’t done crack in ten months. and I tried to pull down her panties as I was fighting with her for the bag. She struggled. The next morning I woke up late and didn’t have the heart to go on my prayer mat. “I’m also a sex addict.” He took a puff on his cigarette. What could I say? Sorry? Again? I was exactly like those people at G. and said he didn’t have anything to share that evening. His story was even more bizarre than Keith’s. When I left the restaurant when it closed. They felt sorry for me. I was terrified. I play the slot machines. I have multiple addictions. “My name’s Rob. She wanted to go and have something to eat. Maybe next time I’ll say more. the car was gone. I got into my car. I had to say something. and drove straight to the casino. and well dressed. I tried to wrestle her bag from her. I didn’t know if she was dead. “I won’t give the word compulsive any power. I went into the restaurant.A. I lost the last five hundred rand on my Visa card. The amounts and the stories differed. “My name’s Abby. He didn’t appear to be more than thirty. but the behaviour was
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. a good-looking boy. I didn’t stay to chat. I couldn’t believe that he would have to pay anyone for sex. She didn’t want to. She held on. waiting for someone to come and arrest me. So I imagined she was okay. I came here tonight to listen. I’m a recovering alcoholic and a recovering drug addict. I knew I wouldn’t be back. I wanted her to give me some money for the casino.” By the time I heard the fourth story. I walked home from Claremont to Plumstead. It didn’t involve loan sharks and thousands of rands. These stories were better than any I’d read in a book.

You’re a compulsive gambler. “Tell him I’m out. Just one more time. I would stand on my prayer mat. Ek is uit!” “But Madam. I couldn’t stop. How could I let this continue? I would turn fifty in two months and was long past the mark where I should’ve grown common sense. I sat on the edge of the bed berating myself. you lost. Gambling had weakened my connection with God. You have no control. beg for God’s Mercy. but I still couldn’t look at him without a backwash of emotion. Beeda. not understanding. You don’t. I hadn’t seen a psychologist in years. Wet your feet and go on your prayer mat. My distraction. You never win it back. You went.” “Just tell him!” I walked into the bathroom. and hardly be finished before I started lusting after the slots again. I was as compulsive as the guy who’d wrestled the woman’s bag away from her. Margaret. it’s not too late. hoping that their last twenty rand would bring them luck? Were my sons going to get a call one day and be told that their mother had had a heart attack in the casino? You have a chance now. and stop. I didn’t want to see him in the state I was in. My comfort. She looked at me. I was an addict. I just want to win some back. I have. “Tell him I’m not here. I’ll stop. You’ve lost all your money already. The slot machine had become my other lover. and hated it. I do. I didn’t want to know what my problem was. The ride home was always filled with remorse. but for all my fasting and praying.” I said. Cut your losses. A few minutes later I watched from behind the curtain in my
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. Stop having the conversation! Margaret came in from the yard to tell me that Mr Imran was just pulling into the driveway.the same. It had eroded my soul. and locked the door. My life was a mess. I could hear voices in the kitchen. I was in my pyjamas. Admit it. Was I going to be one of those old women hanging about the machines. It was two decades now.

room as the jeep reversed out of the driveway. He had on sunglasses and a baseball cap. At forty-seven – he was two years younger than me – he was still great to look at. I went into the kitchen. On the table was a tray with two casserole dishes. I lifted the lids. Snoek curry with chopped coriander, and basmati rice. “Mr Imran say Madam must call him,” Margaret said. “Okay. Margaret, I have to borrow some money from you again.” “Dis okay, Madam. Ek makeer nie nou nie. Hoeveel?” How much? It’s all right. I don’t need it now. “When my son gives me some money, I’ll pay it all back. I need seven hundred.” Margaret went inside to her room and came out with the money. I felt bad that I had to borrow from her, and promised to increase her pay by a hundred rand. I would start a little business again, like in the old days, and she could help me. I went to the shop, bought what I needed, and paid the accounts. When I got home, Margaret told me that my son had called. “Which one?” I asked. “Sound like the big one, Madam.” I called Zane at the shop. He told me that he had bought a whole sheep at the butcher, and had some meat to give me. Then he told me that his stepmother had gone to the breast clinic at Groote Schuur on Wednesday, and seen Zulpha there. Zulpha might have something in her breast. “She would’ve told me,” I said. “Are you sure?” “I’m just saying what Daddy told me. Mummy knows how she is. Auntie Zulpha keeps everything in. Everyone’s been saying how thin she is.” That was true, and I wondered whether that was what Imran had come by to tell me. He didn’t come by on his own. It hadn’t been easy, and the first years had been the hardest. The phone calls, the tears, the regrets. Then he and Zulpha went away for four years to Australia and had people look after the house. I hated him more for taking such a definite step to end things between us. But it was the best thing he could’ve done or we would’ve gone on forever punishing ourselves. He wrote letters, telling about their new home, their experiences, changing the tenor of the relationship. When they returned from Australia, he never mentioned again what had happened between us, and never came to my house alone. But women have long memories, and mine never could get past his lips and his eyes and the way he moved inside me. I would cry the way he
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loved me. “This is how much I love you, Beeda,” he would say into my hair, “With my toes, my legs, my arms. Every part of me loves you.” If I were a fool, no one knew about it. If I were sick to hold on to it after so many years, that was my own secret. The memory was mine. Entirely. I said goodbye to Zane, and said I would drop by the house later on to pick up the meat. I transferred the food from the casserole dishes into two pots, got into my car and drove to Zulpha’s house. Imran’s jeep was in the driveway. I knocked on the door, and walked in. Zulpha was at the picnic table in the yard reading a magazine. Imran was hosing the lawn. I kissed my sister, and put down the tray with the pots. “Thanks for the food,” I said. “That was thoughtful. How’re you?” “I’m fine,” she said, not looking at me. I noticed circles under her eyes. “I heard you were at Groote Schuur.” “Who told you?” “Zane.” She looked down at the magazine she’d been reading. “I have to go back on Tuesday. They want to do a biopsy.” “A biopsy’s good,” I said. “Rhoda’s sister had one, remember? The biopsy saved her. She never had to have surgery.” “She’s dead.” “She died of a stroke. It’s not the same thing. When are they doing the biopsy?” “On Tuesday. At eight in the morning. If everything’s okay, I’ll be back home in the afternoon.” “I’ll come with you,” I said. “Thanks. I’m not telling anyone until afterwards. So don’t tell Toeghieda. I don’t want everyone fretting over me.” “Is Zainap all right?” It had always bothered me that Zulpha had been friends with my ex-husband’s wife. “She has to have a mastectomy.” “Oh no.” I was genuinely sorry to hear it. “When’s her operation?” “Next Thursday. She’s going to be there for a while. She’s quite worried about it.” She looked at me. “You know, the daughters are all married. Two of them live in Port Elizabeth. The youngest one’s in Canada. If anything happens to her, Braima will be all alone.” I hadn’t thought of it that way. But it was true. And if anything happened to Zulpha? Imran would be free also. I realised suddenly that both these men stood to lose the women they’d chosen over me.
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Imran shut off the water and joined us. “Some tea, Beeda? Coffee? Or something cold?” “I’ll have rooibos, thanks. One sugar.” He left for the kitchen. I took out my cigarettes. “You have to stop smoking, Beeda. Imran quit two weeks ago. I’m so proud of him. Now he’s eating chocolates. But rather chocolates than inhaling all that nicotine. He’s put on a little weight.” “I see so.” “Don’t mention it to him. I don’t want him to go back to smoking. It’s funny, at this age we want to give up our addictions.” “And some are harder to give up than others. I met a man the other day who’s addicted to sex. He doesn’t have to love them, and they don’t have to be pretty. They just have to be hookers.” “Imran, did you hear that?” Imran came out with a tray. “I heard,” he laughed. “I don’t know where your sister runs into these men.” I watched him put down the tray and bring out a plate of coconut tarts. An idyllic scene. The little tea party under the loquat tree. The smell of lavender. The tinkling of cups. I looked around the yard where I’d first played as a child. My father playing skipping with us girls, my mother watching from the window. My mother had been the vigilant one. My father had been the happy-go-lucky father every girl dreamed of. It was a different place now than the one I’d known. The guava and avocado pear trees were still there, but much bigger. Now there was a manicured lawn also, a kidney-shaped pool, and a white, stuccoed wall. The house itself had been transformed with an open kitchen, an additional bathroom, a pantry, and a spiral staircase leading up to a loft where Imran watched his soccer games. The two of them had weaved together this little nest. However convoluted their beginnings, it had worked out for them. They seemed the perfect couple. And in a way they were. Perfect had nothing to do with love, just about getting it right. “My sister has her ways. She’s been and she’s seen.” “We ran into Rhoda at the Waterfront on Saturday,” he said. “She’s going on hajj next year.” “Really?” I was surprised, and wondered where she got the money from. “You don’t see her any more, do you?” “No. She came to Reza’s janazaah, but we’re not in touch.” “We’re thinking of going on pilgrimage also,” he said. “We’ve been to
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Egypt, Italy and Australia. We can’t think of another holiday without performing our hajj first. If everything’s all right with Zulpha on Tuesday, our niyyat is to go next year, Inscha Allah. You’re the first to know.” “Insch Allah. Everything will be fine with Zulpha.” Zulpha had always had one ailment or another, but mostly it was a case of nerves and worrying too much. But she was the most blessed of the three of us. Toeghieda had a husband and a nice home too, but didn’t think anyone knew of Mylie’s philandering. The only difference between the way she handled an unfaithful husband, and the way Garaatie handled it, was that Mylie’s clothes got packed for him and he got the boot. He’d spent many nights on his sister’s couch. But Toeghieda kept up the bright side. She visited with him like they were couple of the month. I knew about the thirteen-year-old son Mylie had with a woman from Simon’s Town. No one talked about it, but support payments went out every month. Everyone has his secret. My sisters have theirs, and I have mine. When Zulpha and I were alone later on, I asked if she could lend me five hundred rand. I had never borrowed money from anyone in my family. I told her I needed it to repair my car, and would give it to her when I saw her on Tuesday. She was only too glad to help me out. I left her house and went straight to the casino. I was so anxious to start playing, I didn’t even check the computer to see whether the machine had paid out already. I stuck my card in, lit a cigarette, and looked around for a waitress. I spotted one, and ordered a coffee, and another packet of cigarettes. I was down two hundred and seventy rand by the time she appeared. I lit a fresh cigarette, checked the computer, and saw that the machine I was playing on had paid out two thousand rand just an hour earlier. The same familiar disgust set in, and I knew I would lose the rest of the money, even if I went to another machine. You get that feeling, when you know you’re doomed and that no matter how much money you have, you’re going to lose. Still, I sat on, watching the last of the money disappear. I had no money at home. There was nothing in my savings. I got up, and immediately moved away from the area. I didn’t want to know who would win after I got up. I took out my wallet, and counted twelve rand in silver. I walked over to the cashiers. “Can I have a ten-rand note?” I asked, putting down a handful of silver. The cashier tried not to look at me. It was embarrassing to see someone scratching about for their last bit of silver to continue playing. She gave
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me the note. I headed for the first machine I came to, and stuck my card in. The ten rand disappeared. All around me the machines glittered and gloated. I looked about at the grins and the scowls, the looks of concentration, disappointment and disgust. I had no money left. An announcement came on that the casino had another grand winner! I went to sit in the lounge and read the paper. I didn’t even have change to buy coffee. I heard my name called, and turned around to see Garaatie standing behind me with Mahmood. I was shocked. “Garaatie . . . ” She came over and hugged me. “What’re you doing here?” I whispered. “And you’re back with him?” “Come with me to the ladies room,” she said. I greeted Mahmood and followed her to the toilet. “Garaatie,” I said, when we were out of earshot. “The two of you are back together?” “Not quite,” she said, looking a little sheepish. “I have some things to think about.” “What?” “I have to think about whether I can accept his second wife and remain in the marriage.” “I see.” “Look, I know you would never go for something like this, but I don’t like being alone. And maybe I can do all those things you said on the days I don’t see him. It’s not so bad, and better than being completely alone, having no husband.” I wasn’t going to talk her out of it. Who was I to tell her anything? And polygamy was the answer for some couples. “How come you’re at the casino?” I asked. “You don’t come any more.” “It was his idea. I suppose it’s the one place no one would see us to go and tell Moena.” It was strange hearing her put it like that. She was the wife, and she had to be concerned about how the other woman would take it. And she could say the name. Moena. “Is he staying over tonight?” “No,” she said, but there was a smile on her face, and she glowed. I knew what that meant. They’d been at it already. I must say I liked this lustful side of Garaatie. She still had it in her for all this sex. I didn’t know what it was any more to feel a man’s arms about me. But Garaatie
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still had it in her, and she wasn’t even on hormone replacement at fortyfive. “Have you got any money on you?” I asked suddenly. “Yes. Do you need some?” “I do. I’ll give it back to you in the week. How much can you spare?” “A hundred?” “That’s it?” Garaatie opened her wallet and counted the notes. “I have four hundred on me. I can lend you three.” “Okay.” We talked for a few more minutes, then left the ladies room. Garaatie returned to Mahmood who was seated at one of the tables in the corner, drinking coffee. I immediately went to the machine where I’d lost. I asked one of the players whether the machine had done anything in the last twenty minutes. “Yes,” a short lady with grey hair and twenty rand on her card responded. “You just got up, and it paid one thousand, eight hundred rand.” The story of my life. I stood with Garaatie’s three hundred rand burning a hole in my wallet, and decided not to be reckless. I checked the computer for pay-outs and discovered all ten of the machines had paid out except for the one at the end. I waited for it to become available and watched a young woman spend two hundred rand on it. I let another player take the machine after her. Except for ten and twenty rand here and there, the machine did nothing. When that player also got up, I took a seat. The machine took the whole three hundred rand while two of the machines which had paid out already, gave two more one-thousand rand spins.

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he first year of my sister’s marriage to Imran was the hardest. I had to go to birthday parties, anniversary parties. I had to see them together on Eid and family occasions. I had to smile when my heart bled, and listen to other people talk about them. Even though it was I who’d told Imran to go ahead with the marriage, he’d gone back too easily. How could you do that if you loved someone else? He wasn’t suffering. He’d done exactly what he’d said he could never do. I couldn’t understand this love he said he’d felt for me. I hated him, and didn’t know what I felt for my sister. She’d played the poor little chimney sweep, and hooked the prince. It was hard with all this hurt to remember the order of things. I was therefore not kindly disposed towards her when she sent him to my house one night with a basket of guavas. I almost believed that she knew, and was testing him. It was raining. The boys were in their beds already with hot-water bottles, fast asleep. I was in my pyjamas, getting ready to go to bed myself. The doorbell rang. I was irritated. And there he stood on the stoep, with a basket of guavas. I hadn’t spoken to him since that day after my thirtieth birthday when he’d called me and I’d told him to let go. I opened the door for him. He followed me into the kitchen, put the basket down on the table, looked about for the children, and scooped me up in his arms. I didn’t resist. He walked me out onto the back stoep, and closed the door. He had me up against the damp wall, pulled down my bottoms, and unzipped his jeans. We stood there, grinding and kissing under a dripping roof, crying into each other’s hair. But it was over all too soon, and all too soon we were back to reality. “Do you mind if I have a shower?” “No,” I said, already walking towards my bedroom. My anger had pushed up again. I’d vowed never to weaken, and I had. I wasn’t a wife, not even a lover. Already he was concerned about washing away the evidence. When he came into my room ten minutes later, I pointed to the keys on the bed. “Let yourself out,” I said. “Throw the keys through the window.”
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to talk to the heart. You sleep next to someone else. We fell in love. and he came and disturbed me all over again. I was good for months. Abdul had become much more than my madressah teacher. and didn’t listen to it when it spoke from the soul. Abdul.” “Please .” “Was this what it was? Wanting it?” “No. Tell my sister to bring it herself!” The visit set me back. you’re not a victim. but I’m still angry. What you have to do.” “Just do it. All my hard work on my emotions had been for nothing. he doesn’t belong to you. then you have to forgive yourself. I went to see Abdul. You’ll hurt yourself if you do this.” “You don’t belong to anyone. is
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. The heart sought constantly to be satisfied. The heart was the culprit. you wanted it as much as I did.” “What did I do that was so wrong? We shared our pasts. a troublemaker. to ask the heart to let go. and he just has to walk through my door and it’s all over. And you come here. Abeeda. Am I supposed to bless this nice little life you’re having? Don’t come here again bearing gifts.” “You have to overcome this. He wrote out a du’ah to address the heart. The brain knew the truth. . Abeeda. “I’m a fool for this man. Religion is for feeling comfortable with your circumstances.” “You fell in love with your sister’s man. You responded to that letter. You have to end this in your head. . Don’t confuse what I’m telling you with religion. I wish I knew what we could do without hurting anyone. He belonged to her. It’s a matter of honour. I’m angry that he came into my life. It’s not good for you. We listened to the heart when we ought not to. You have to forgive him. I know it’s my sister.“Please. but we didn’t listen to our brains. You can’t fuck someone else when you’re suffering. you wash off the evidence. Beeda. I make all these resolutions. Do you think I’m not suffering?” “How are you suffering? You’ve gone on with your life. you fuck me. You have to take responsibility for what happened. and I’m angry that he’s with her. and found common ground. The heart was playful. he said. I’m angry.” “And in the same way. Abdul. He was patient with me. to accept the hardships in your life. and you leave me.

I usually stayed up after faj’r in the mornings to get the children’s sandwiches ready and to see them off to school. She would always wonder what had made Imran end the engagement. Or maybe he would. Abeeda. But let go of this energy and give it back. Abdul was right. and performed my prayers. and never be truly happy. and it was to
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. then when Reza had his nap before noon. Men had a way of dealing with pain. Focus on it. and be insecure. Two weeks. marrying her only one day after the hundred nights.tap into your soul. celebrations. Maybe just a single word. Sometimes we ask God for help. Zulpha hadn’t won. This is an old pain. feel where it is in your body. so it wasn’t that I couldn’t fit it in between my chocolate making and deliveries. I made a few changes.” I went home and sat on the stoep with a lemonade and a cigarette to think. I thought about Abdul’s advice. to feel that I was worthy and desirable. I still helped Iris in the mornings in the garage. and planned my life in such a way that I never ran into him. It was an old pain with long tentacles. an hour before my midday prayers. And Imran would swing back and forth between love and loyalty. But I couldn’t avoid sickness. But there were no winners. Articulate the sound of your pain. When you peel back the layers and find your centre. and had never taken time out to sit by myself and meditate. That’s why it hurts so much. listening to music of tinkling waterfalls and natural sounds. Some took the fast route out. Rabia’s uncle. Then let go of it. and got used to spending this time by myself. I didn’t quite know where to begin. you’ll see that this need that you have to be loved. I didn’t know how to. I was conditioned to do the five prayers. four weeks. anniversaries. or a scream. is the need to love yourself. or into a pillow. It was the need to be loved. Boeta Salie. It was a matter of honour. Be still and find the source of your pain. make friends with it. pretending I was on the white sands of a beach with palm trees and emerald waters. Sometimes I lay stretched out on the rug. Honour was a big thing with us people. You can do it in the shower when the water’s rushing over you. to be a winner. three weeks. that had undone me. but decided to give it a try. After that I took my ceremonial ablution. Take back your power. and don’t like the help that comes. I would sit in a pool of light in the corner of my living room on a thick rug with my eyes closed. had hardly taken forty steps from his wife’s grave when he proposed to the sister-in-law. I started to feel happy for longer periods of time. I became better at editing my thoughts. I felt good.

his mother was likely to lose her leg. she called to say that Imran’s mother had had an ingrown toenail removed and had developed gangrene. Abeeda.” She looked at him with half closed eyes. It was my duty to go and see her. the suicide. “It’s Mummy’s foot or Mummy’s life. who looked after her. What if it affects the leg?” “Everything is from Allah.” She didn’t answer. Auntie must fight. “But I can’t just let them take off my foot. Maybe she’ll listen to you. Muriel.” she said.” “The surgery will save Auntie’s life. “I have to accept it. “No.
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.” I looked at his mother lying in bed. the other man in his mother’s life.” she said.” he tried to persuade her. “Talk to her. He stayed away. and I went to her house on a Thursday afternoon. and things you just have to do. but said nothing. It had to do with not letting him have even a glimpse of my body.Zulpha’s twenty-sixth birthday party – I was thirty-one at the time – that I covered up completely for the first time. saying that my madressah teacher was working miracles with me. A nurse came every second day. She was from the old school. The pain had started to travel up her leg. “The doctor wants to operate. Imran’s mother lived alone with a woman. “My mother refuses. Zulpha delivered her baskets of fruit herself. There were no phone calls or visits. and started to appear alone at some of the functions. I greeted her. and listened to her tell me about the excruciating pain in her foot. His mother’s sister stood at the end of the passage. A few weeks before Christmas. and followed them into the room. The foot had to go with her. I sat with his mother. “Is Auntie Latiefa scared of surgery?” I asked. Imran told me that if the surgery didn’t happen soon. It was all such a vicious little world. In the kitchen afterwards. and couldn’t believe how sick she looked. There are things you can avoid. she said. The family teased me about my scarf and robe. I didn’t see any vehicles in the driveway and was therefore surprised when Imran answered the door. No contact. The pills weren’t helping.” “But Auntie doesn’t have to just lie down and give up. I hadn’t seen her in a very long time. and remembered the story of his father. having come to see who it was. It had little to do with Abdul. I watched him as he talked.” Imran said.

and which I’d passed on to Reza when I was pregnant with him. He seemed undisturbed by my presence. “You must visit us more often. When I pulled into my driveway.the way his lips moved. and promised to take care of the matter. Like me. the whiteness of his teeth. I didn’t know anything about psychology and bad behaviour. Iris told me that Reza had bumped into the table with his walker. But the twins had never given me any trouble. and that half the chocolate and nuts mixture had toppled over. Munier had been caught going through the teacher’s satchel during recess. He was leaning against the kitchen counter.” He walked me out to the car. I had al182
. bounce-back kids. Beeda. You just had to say it. the hardness of his thighs making it hard for me to look away. “Thanks for the tea. That same night Braima came by to deliver his child support. “I haven’t reported it to the principal. and had no idea what was going on with me. I was shocked to hear what my twins had done. I don’t think they really want to do this. “There was another incident involving stolen crayons not so long ago. but were happy kids. I thought. Reza had suffered rejection in the womb. and pressed down hard on the accelerator. I walked grimly inside. “And you?” I didn’t wait for an answer. He had guarded the door. I didn’t know that a mother’s troubles during pregnancy could result in trauma to an unborn child. and there had been no signs that not having a man in the house had affected them. starting the car.” I thanked the teacher. Marwaan was involved also. As I helped her clean up the mess. shaking as I zoomed down Ottery Road. “I must go. I sat calm and collected. and how this had accounted for my own feelings of abandonment when my mother was pregnant with me. Zane came into the garage and told me that the teacher was waiting in the house to talk to me. The teacher sat tight-faced in my dining room waiting for me. They’re clever children. but my heart fluttered in my chest. getting up. She made a ten-minute production out of it. and opened the door for me. They were happy.” I said. his pink gums when he smiled. I got in.” she concluded. “Zulpha misses you. I just wanted you to know that there’s a problem. You fucking fool.” I looked up at him through the window. always had each other. and the negative consequences of a father’s absence.” he said. They got into mischief like everyone else.

“Your father’s married now. I sat with the twins a while longer. looking towards the front room where the twins were still with their father. Zane was in his room. Your father has children. He cried into the front of my blouse. I knew immediately that something was wrong. I didn’t read a book first or consult an expert on how to handle my children. I know that.”
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. crying. “I hope it’s a sister. Zane was my quiet. . He has a new life. He lied to us. The twins were in the front room watching television. I sat down next to him.” “What?” “Daddy’s just told us. I just looked them straight in the eye. I dished some more into their bowls. And he doesn’t live with his own children. I watched him leave for his room. I had hardly touched his shoulder. Zane. when he burst into tears.ready given the twins a talking to. introspective son. You’re his first children.” He had already forgotten the scolding I’d given them earlier that day. and put the fear of God and their father into them. and drew him close. Zane got up and kicked back his chair.” I put my arm around him. “They’re going to have a baby . then went into Zane’s room. He loves you. and he wants more children. It still flared up. Having another baby doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. He was on the bed.” Marwaan said. The divorce was still a hard thing for me to deal with.” “We know. I made custard. I was ambivalent about him. When they were seated around the table and had finished their custard. I got up from my chair. “Your father’s going to have a baby. and warned them. Any notion of having tea with Braima and telling him about the twins’ escapades was gone now. It’s hard. When he left. I was toying with the idea of telling him when Zane came into the kitchen. . I called them to come into the kitchen. “I know it’s hard for you to accept. and my resentment had only been numbed by other distractions. I contemplated whether I should tell Braima about the teacher’s visit. and went to stand next to him at the sink. and set out four bowls. He had difficulty coming out with it. As I sat in the kitchen while they visited with their father in the front room. “What’s the matter?” I asked.” I started to tell them. He’d told us before that we would be his only children.

He’s not letting me get on with my life. please?” The telephone rang in the kitchen. I manage when I don’t see you. After a while he quieted down. I miss you more than anything. “I can’t get you out of my head. I stood with the receiver in my hand. The pain was getting less. Wait for the spirit to speak. but he’s got a new wife. what I told you? Religion is the oyster shell. In the morning. Can Mummy put off the light. I put down the receiver. quietly. “Are you there?” “I’m here.’ he said. It took courage. and a time to do nothing. Feel proud of yourself. and I come undone like an old jersey. but there’s a time to act. Remember. I know you feel like he’s betrayed you. He lied. ‘I love you.” I lay down next to him and held him. I’ll never believe him again. The baby’s on its way. Pain is a gift. But I didn’t sleep that night.” “He shouldn’t have said that to you. “I was getting stronger. You didn’t let him in. Abdul. You asked me if I missed you. then. Then there was a gleam of hope. but you can’t change it. “Do you want some Milo?” Milo was his favourite nighttime drink. Then came the despair.” “I love you.” He closed his eyes. I drove straight to Abdul. And one call. I know it’s a shock to hear you’re going to have a brother or a sister. Beeda. This is taking too long. and opened them slowly again.” he said. That wife also wants children. “Sometimes we’re impatient for things to happen. but when I see you. No one can make such a promise.” “He has children. I felt anger at the same time as I felt love.“He lied to us.” I listened. “No thanks. You want the oyster. What’s the point of telling me? He can’t love me. Abeeda.” “Why doesn’t he leave me alone?” “Do you want him to leave you alone?” “I’ll be better off not hearing from him. You put down the phone. I couldn’t sort out my feelings. I went out and answered it. I’m all weak again. Beeda. This is the effect you have on me.” “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
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. You couldn’t do that two months ago. and left it off the hook. It was Imran. Why does he need more children when he has us? He shouldn’t have said anything. He told us that we would be his only children.

Only I wasn’t going to be there.” “I just got off the phone with Zulpha. Mylie. Abeeda never comes here unless we invite her. Here I am. Abdul.”
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.” “She’s going to hospital. or what I was going to do. “How are things with his mother?” I asked. to one of gloom. and sat on the back step with Reza. Customer was the excuse for going over to my house. I didn’t know where I was going. Let God deliver you in his own time. I was going out. I ended up at Toeghieda’s house.” “She’s going to die with that foot. it’s wings hadn’t developed properly. “You always accuse me of not visiting. I don’t know the full story. The man said he was coming back. “Look who’s here. “I went to visit her the other day. thou shalt not want. We live inside. Nothing happens before its time. God lives outside of time. Time heals. He was coming this way to see a customer. When my children arrived from school. but apparently she’s taken a bad turn. And doing nothing seems like you’re not doing anything. but because it hadn’t struggled its way out. I gave them spaghetti and meat balls.” I said. put on some jazz. I need something concrete to extinguish this misery. All I knew was that I didn’t want to be home when Imran arrived. I washed my hair. She wanted him to bring back a litre of milk. and widened the opening of the cocoon? The butterfly emerged. “My word!” she exclaimed. and it struggled to fly. But doing nothing is doing something.” When I arrived home. It’s your enemy now because you’re impatient. Do you know the story about the boy who tried to rush the process of the caterpillar turning into a butterfly. “She wanted to know if Imran had stopped off here. The Lord is your shepherd. Iris told me that a man in a bakkie had been there.” It was an interesting bit of information.” All afternoon I fretted. you know.“This is all very abstract stuff when you’re hurting.” “I know.” “I thought I would come and see how you were. and told them Iris was staying to look after them. My feelings ranged from being light-headed and excited. She didn’t look good.” she said. Abeeda. the Bible says. Zulpha’s going with her tomorrow. laughing. But you can’t rush it. “Did he say what time?” “He just said after supper tonight.

but knew that dreams wouldn’t bring me the answer. “What do you mean?” “Last night? Was he here?” I was sure Iris didn’t know Imran’s name as she hadn’t met him until yesterday. Madam.” she said. Iris didn’t take a name.” I stayed for supper.” “It’s okay. At last I got into bed. She had little experience with madams and seemed a little intimidated. I opened the envelope. I wasn’t in a rush to open it. Iris had made a bed for herself on the couch. It was Zulpha. but then there’ll be no one here with the children. pointing to the vehicle Zulpha had arrived in. Iris was a Worcester girl. My children were asleep.” Zulpha turned to Iris. when the bakkie pulled into the yard. I put on my pyjamas first. I called home already. Iris. I wanted to put it under my pillow and weave all kinds of magic in my sleep. It didn’t feel like a letter inside. To prolong my excitement. I walked over to the bedroom window. In the morning I was busy in the garage packing fudge into glass jars. I had to forget him. not thinking any more about it. and performed my prayers. brushed my teeth. Imran had been busy painting the burglar bars.
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. and looked inside. and blew the strands out. I had let the hair blow away in the breeze. I had taken a scissors and cut an inch off my hair. “I’m sorry I came back so late. stomping up to the garage.” “Then how do you know?” “I don’t. I recognised it as my own hair. in a strange mood. I can drive you home. I felt the silky strands between my fingers. I’ll sleep here. “No.” I waited until the living room was in darkness before I brought the envelope to my room. I felt through the thin airmail paper.“I know. Someone was here. I thought. and went home at ten-thirty. A tuft of brown hair slipped out onto my palm. remembering an afternoon in the yard when he’d first come to work on my house. Zane had held the mirror.” I said. and sat down with it on the edge of my bed. “The meneer that came yesterday had the same bakkie as that one. and told me that the man had come and left an envelope on the kitchen table. “I wasn’t here. “Was Imran here?” she asked. watched an Al Pacino thriller with them. What an odd thing to send me.

And some people get that feeling. It’s not looking good. “Maybe he didn’t want to wake you up.” “You went? Imran never mentioned it. She wants to go with her foot. “I think Imran’s having an affair.” “Maybe he just forgot. She’s calling a lot. He’s got a lot on his mind. and answers the phone for him three days a week. I came into the living room for my glasses and found him on the telephone. “I was at Toeghieda’s last night so I don’t know.” “Yes. he thought I was sleeping. I asked him where he’d been. especially the way she said it. But Iris said nothing. Which made me take a new look at Iris. “He said he was here last night. She seemed on edge about something. “In the afternoon.” “It was him then that came here. She knew it was the same man and it wouldn’t have been wrong of her to say so. “What?” “There’s this Christian girl who does his books.” “I know. Toeghieda told me Latiefa’s going to hospital tomorrow.” “Maybe. They’re going to have to put her on something for the pain. “I know he visits you.” “That’s your evidence?” “It’s just a feeling.”
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.” I was glad my back was turned to her at the fridge.“What time was he here?” Zulpha asked. Two nights ago.” I prayed Iris wouldn’t say that the same man had been here in the evening also. “But your girl would’ve said so. She’s from the old school. saying he was going to a customer in Toeghieda’s area.” I said.” I didn’t know how to take that. You wanted a litre of milk. She still doesn’t want to have the surgery.” “That’s strange. and doesn’t remember. when they know. “The last I saw him was at his mother’s house a few days ago. And last night he went out. But you know how they are at that age.” “When he came home.” “She was probably asleep on the couch. I was there. He said he’d dropped by your house after the customer.” Zulpha said.” I said. but you weren’t home. I don’t know what to believe.” We went into the kitchen to have tea. He never got there. whispering.” she blurted out suddenly.

A way out.”
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. and here it is.” He was right. And she’s sensed it.Zulpha became quiet. and not slip up. I went to see Abdul. Imran’s devoted to you. She took a tissue out of her bag.” He laughed. “What happened was an error in judgment. And I know I’m not wrong. “I’m not surprised to hear this. be married to another. And maybe I am depressed. but you don’t get depressed for nothing.” “Have you? I don’t mean the physical separation – putting down the phone on him. This is your chance. I don’t know what to do with all this good fortune I’m carrying around. shining like alabaster in the soft morning light. “When was life fair. I hadn’t done that. Abdul. Remember what you said about honour? It is important.” “I have walked away. Not a criminal act. and made me more resolved to cut things with Imran. I know I’m not making a lot of sense. “What’s the matter?” I asked. Divine intervention.” He walked me to the door. “See how fortunate you are? You’re funny. and you can laugh at yourself. I’m talking about saying goodbye and letting go. But Zulpha presenting herself is the solution for you. Help. is it fair for two people to be together when only one of them loves?” He gave a wan smile. “You can’t be in love with one person. “I have nothing to base this on. You asked for help. Abeeda? But things have a way of working themselves out. You can play the role.” “Is this the part now where you tell me I’ll be blessed? I don’t need any more blessings. Not waiting for something to happen.” I looked at her face. Abdul.” “Devotion’s not enough. Women know.” Her words stopped me short.” he said. not being there when he comes. Whether she suspects something or not. I’m so blessed. “Tell me. Abeeda. or you can walk away clean and for good.” “What do you mean?” “She’s come to you. but things don’t feel right. but you can’t force something that’s not there. You can hurt her now one time and take him. He’s very far away sometimes. she’s basically said there’s a problem in my marriage. “You have a lot on your plate right now with his mother.

I didn’t return any of the calls. When I got back. I went out directly to buy an answering machine. A call from Toeghieda. She was unconscious. I went to see a movie.” When I got home Iris told me that the telephone had rung three times in my absence. It was like I expected Imran to knock on my door at any moment.“It was a cruel trick.
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. Zulpha called from the hospital to say that Latiefa was in intensive care. I helped Iris pack in the orders. and let the machine answer my calls. and didn’t want to be there. The following morning. one from Garaatie. and two from Imran. It rang four times.

. I’ll be careful. I switched on the kettle and saw that there were only three slices of bread. But God. what about God? I looked in the telephone book for a number.” “We talked about – repairs. and wrote it down. “Kwikstop Panelbeating. I told you I wasn’t interested. I looked at the clock. or hadn’t vowed countless times that I would stop. It’s dangerous. I walked around the living room and formulated my plan. I drove a white Toyota at the time. Beeda. I owed my sister and Garaatie money. It was after ten. You made some suggestions. I realised it was Margaret’s day off.” “Is that Yusuf?” “Yes. and walked to the public telephones at the petrol station.” “I remember.”
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. There were no answers there. but would find it strange that I didn’t have money to pay my accounts. I stared up at the ceiling. We met once when I came to your shop with my car for a quote. There was no way out of my predicament without actually going to my sons to help me out. “Margaret!” I called out from my bed. This other. But this was the end of the road. I had overdue accounts. and that she’d gone out. There was no answer. You could go to jail.” “Yusuf. It wasn’t like I didn’t know how I would feel. I was in arrears on my credit card.T
he morning after losing the last of my money. I didn’t want to call from the house. I had black coffee and a cigarette. or hadn’t felt this despair before. Abeeda . confident woman of ten months ago with twelve thousand rand in a savings account had left the premises. I left them for Margaret. this is Abeeda Ariefdien. My children would gladly give me the money. And I didn’t have a cent in the bank. you know. The man I was looking for answered the phone himself. I wallowed in bed with disgust. . I owed Margaret money. I got up and had a shower.

” “I understand. “Forgive me.” “I’ll have to buy another car.” I walked back to my house. Garaatie would help me. “How much are you insured for?” “Forty thousand.” I had the gall to go on my prayer mat and make God part of my scheme. Yusuf came out to look at my car.” “Do you understand?” “Yes. His garage was an old warehouse in Paarden Eiland.” He flipped the knife closed and slipped it into his back pocket. “Ten thousand is the best I can do. Plates. What kind of car do you drive now?” “A red Toyota. I could go back to making sweets and pay her back. God. but couldn’t drink it. It’s practically brand-new. But I was too embarrassed for her to know what the gambling had done to me. and raked the dirt out from under one of his fingernails. a new spray. I lit another cigarettte.” “You must be joking. Two men with goggles were busy knocking out dents and spraying cars. I wondered if it wouldn’t be better just to go to Garaatie and spill my guts.“Yes. chassis number. and come and see me. No to the second. but it costs money to move the car. The car will go to Jo’burg or Durban.” “It sounds urgent. and went to see Yusuf. I won’t get the same car with that money.” He took a small pen knife.” “It is.” “Where does the car stand at night?” “In the garage.” “You’ll get forty from the insurance company.” “I see. You have a problem? You were in an accident?” “Yes to the first one. I made another coffee.” “How much money are you looking for?” “As much as I can get.” “Park it outside for a night or two. and ask her to bail me out. for what I’m about to do. She had lots of pennies saved up.” “When can you come and see me?” “This morning. There’s a lot of risk involved. We’ll talk about figures after I take a look at the car. A year old. It’s a new car. feeling stomach cramps coming on.
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. then took me into a small cement floor office with a table and chair.

The reason for leaving it outside is because it was late and you were too tired to park it.” I said. you’ll know what to do.” He paused to look me dead in the eye. You can still change your mind then.” “What if something goes wrong?” “Nothing will go wrong.”
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.” He held out his hand for the key. That’s why I want you to leave it out twice. The money will have to be paid beforehand. and watched him take an impression of it. “And listen carefully. before you take the car. Tomorrow night. you’ll go out and come home late again. This is what I want you to do. you’ll go out. considering. I’m going to need half of it on Thursday.” “We’re not going to make contact with you when we come for the car. On Wednesday night you’ll park the car in the garage. there’s no turning back. He looked at me. and to see if that’s where we want the car parked. you won’t change your mind?” “And what guarantee will I have that after you’ve taken the car. If they check with the neighbours. “Eleven. that you’ll pay me? You have to pay me half when you come for the car. someone will remember that the car had stood in the street a few nights earlier. “All right. You’ll have the car.” “Twelve. you didn’t think the car would be stolen.“Fifteen. and park your car in front of the house. Beeda. In the afternoon. “What proof do I have that after I give you the money. On Friday morning. “I’m not saying any of this will happen.” he said. and leave the car outside. Visit people who can back up your story if the police or the insurance company comes calling. Your reason for leaving the car in the street must be believable. Someone will drive by the house after midnight to scout the area. you’d done it before. but just in case. Once the car’s taken. And we don’t know each other.” “I can’t wait that long. We have a deal. You have to work out where you’re going on those two nights when you’re coming home late. I handed it to him. Go to Garaatie. You were tired. “Write down your address in the meantime.” He smiled at my boldness. “When do I get the money?” “It’ll take about a week. Tuesday. come home. On Thursday night.” It’s not too late.” He pretended to think about it. I’m the one who must have the trust. There’s also risk on my side.

I’m here. and had pains in my chest. I got up. was the only one there. smoking cigarette after cigarette. Howard. I need some money. But you know what I mean. I would go with Zulpha to hospital in the morning. until I had nothing left.” I went to the supermarket. I’m Muslim. so there was no asking her for a smoke. How was I going to reconcile this in my heart? All you’re doing is parking the car in the street. I sat down and thought about who I was going to visit on the two nights I was supposed to come home late.” he said. I went to lie on the couch. Abeeda. that’ll do fine. but didn’t want them involved in any questioning by the police or the insurance company. Six thousand before we take the car. I could visit one of my sons.” I stood for a moment looking at the expensive cameras in the shop. Three hundred?” “Yes.O. It was past my prayer time. I’m going to trust you.” “Muslim?” He laughed. and bought groceries and a carton of cigarettes. and tell Zane about it? Tell him. The manager. standing there in a greasy garage conspiring to cheat the insurance company out of forty thousand rand. Six thousand a week later.
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. but knew he couldn’t take the chance of offending his employer’s mother.” “I want an I. that I felt the true weight of my sin.” It was at that moment. for the six. She had hardly recovered from the surprise of my last visit. You have my word. I dialled Toeghieda’s number. “No problem. and here I was calling again asking what she was doing on Thursday night. “Okay.” Howard looked unsure. Howard.” “You’ll get one. and didn’t want to see Garaatie until I had her money. After a tuna sandwich and tea. Margaret wasn’t home. “Zane just left twenty minutes ago. “Okay. Can you let me have three hundred rand. I needed a cigarette. “Listen. It was four in the afternoon when I got home. Thank you. I’m at the shop down the road. Mrs Ariefdien. “I don’t know when he’ll be back. Yusuf. I got back into my car and drove to Zane’s shop.” My ride home was miserable. then spend the rest of the day with her. I felt frightened.U. that was stupid. I’ll have it back to him by Friday. Tuesday night was easy.“Well. Thursday night was another matter. but I was flat on my back.

Are we going in two cars?” “It’s better. it’s amazing that you’ve called.” she said. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. Actually. and Toeghieda never made me forget how poorly I’d treated the man. I bought coffee. Achmat Jacobs. and that all her fears would be laid to rest. “Mylie’s invited this friend to supper. then he went up to the waitress to add something else. The last time I’d agreed to one. “Then he’ll leave and come back. I’m too old for that take-out and a makeout stuff. and we went back inside to the waiting room.” She laughed. She knew from experience that I wasn’t a good candidate for a blind date. The guy lost his wife a few months ago.” he said. I’ll take my be-nice pills. Will you stay at the hospital while I’m in surgery?” “Of course.” Imran and I went to a nearby coffee shop. The blind date ended before it started. A little after eleven.“As a matter of fact. “I’ve set aside the day. “All right. After the forms were filled out and she was taken to the operating room. left a note for Margaret on the kitchen table. The next morning.” I had no doubt at all that Zulpha would be out by one o’clock.” she said. And everything will go well. you’ll see. the man thought he could take me to Wembley for a drive-in steak sandwich. “Your wife’s in the recovery room. Don’t tell him anything. I’d like her to come and see me on Friday. “just in case. Imran returned.” “I’ll come.” “She’s all right. I took out my glasses and settled down with the book I’d brought along to read. That’s how I ended up being pregnant with Zane and finding myself married to the wrong man.” I said. He’s about fifty. I don’t want to speculate. “The surgery went well. and park with me afterwards on Signal Hill. went outside for a smoke. putting my arm around her shoulders.” Imran said. An hour passed.” “Wait till you meet him. But the surgery went well. Will you come? He’s a lovely man.” she said. I looked at
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. then?” Imran asked. “I have to wait for the results before I can say anything. and drove over to Zulpha’s house. Mylie knows him from work. but you know I’m not interested. “Imran will come with us to hospital. We ordered muffins and coffee. Insch Allah. Dr Spielberg came out in his green gown and cap. I got up early. and Imran was gone.

” “It’s been a long time. What happened was beyond our control.him standing at the counter. “The green colour suits you. I want to. ” “You don’t know what I want to say. I couldn’t be friends with you.” “Being the same to you would’ve destroyed us. I had taken care with my appearance that day. You haven’t forgiven me. Beeda. and a whole
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. but still had the same hard physique and rugged look. and a cream top. My bottle-green scarf was pulled back and tied under my shoulder-length hair.” “I know. “How have you been. “Zulpha’s a good wife.” He paused. Imran came back. Let’s not go there. I did what was right. I had a zestful look. concerned about the same person.” he said. and sad. then put it out in the ashtray. and had on loose cream cotton pants.” “Do you have a cigarette?” “You quit. and a heck of a body for my age.” I put my hand on his wrist. . “Do you want to know how I am?” “You can tell me. I didn’t trust myself. “You look nice.” “I know. A smile curled at the corner of his mouth as he handed one back to me. All these years I’ve watched you and never spoken.” “No. She’ll be fine.” I looked at him. He was a little more filled out than when he was younger. “Please . For all my covering up.” I took out the pack.” He took a drag on his cigarette.” “You’ve not been the same to me.” I felt my face go a little warm. Otherwise I’m fine. and sat down across from me. “Thank you. “I don’t think so in this case.” he said. “She’s been good to me. Abeeda?” “I miss my son.” “I have. .” There was a moment’s awkwardness. “Sometimes they know when they open you up. I don’t know what that feels like.” I looked out the window. They just wait for the results to confirm it. and I’m not going to say you’ll get over it. He lit cigarettes for both of us. I met the right person at the wrong time. Imran. I was angry for years. what you told me was right. We’re both sitting here. “I hope Zulpha’s all right. She’s healthy. to lose a son.

. Imran. I took a stream of toilet paper. When I emerged from the cubicle. I know you didn’t expect this. Friends?” “Yes.” “You’re married. I sat on the toilet seat and cried. So many times I’ve thought of calling you and coming to see you.” “I’ve never stopped loving you. Do you think it’s because the man himself is weak?” I got up and pushed back my chair. I wasn’t one of those women who looked pretty when they cried. I have to go to the loo. Abeeda. and leave.lot of other things. “You’ve cried. how is it that men marry the women they say they just care for. “Why tell me all of this now?” “I’ve always wanted to. but hurt the women they say they love? Is it duty towards the weak? Or is it that they think the strong woman doesn’t feel pain and doesn’t need love? I never could understand that. but we’ve never had what you and I had. I looked at my face in the mirror. . we even have some very good times. “No. I wouldn’t trust it. I just didn’t expect it after all these years. . I managed a smile.” The waitress came with our order.” In the ladies room. My face was red. Imran.”
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. “I haven’t freed myself. but we couldn’t not talk about it forever. If things were different . I would have to cry too hard before I could laugh again. I love Zulpha but it’s a deep caring. “God puts mist in the heart of whomsoever He pleases. But tell me. and dabbed myself back to respectability. but I’ve freed myself from you the way you’ve freed yourself from me. Do you know that saying? It’s by the Prophet. Marrying your sister cheated me out of an intimacy I never will have with any woman but you.” “I’m sorry if I seem nasty. you don’t have to answer.” “Fires get extinguished. . ” “Please . and to do so honestly. Your life has gone on. ” “If things were different. I hadn’t expected all that pain still inside of me. Zulpha and I get along.” he said when I came back. my eyes looked swollen. blew my nose. “This is what I like about you.” I looked down at my hands. Abeeda – would you?” It took me a while to respond. Excuse me. “It’s a rhetorical question.” He smiled. I didn’t want to disturb the life you were having. and mine’s out long ago. There’s no fire. but I couldn’t. We watched her place everything before us.

unhappy-for-a-week kind of life. young for such a spiritual journey. There were times during this journey when Imran would flit into my thoughts. was accompanying his own mother to perform hajj. and started to cover up. and it was decided that I would go with them. On Abdul’s advice. They would stay with Toeghieda on weekends.
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I
. I toned down on the way I dressed. Preparations started a good year ahead of the event. happy-one-day. Because I had no husband and needed a mah’ram – a man who could be my guardian and protector – to be able to enter Mecca. and to leave behind with my sisters who agreed to look after my children. and I would be reminded. Toeghieda’s husband. but rather for the opportunity to stand on holy ground in front of the Ka’bah and ask God to give me hidayah and iman and put acceptance into my heart. and was away for two months. My sweets business was so successful. I started my preparations. I had to find a family member who also was going on pilgrimage. and feel a little sad. I wanted every day to be the same. that the people back home seemed very far away indeed. I was thirty-two. come home. I couldn’t go to Mecca. Mylie. and started to learn what was expected of me on this journey. and Jerusalem. it paid not only for my trip to the holy land. This part of the trip I did on my own. I went for hajj classes one night a week. Istanbul. I increased my customer base for my sweets business and hired another girl to help with the extra production so I could have enough money for the trip. Mecca and Medina were two places where I thought of no one at all. especially as this wasn’t about the culmination of the five pillars of Islam. I wanted stability. The ambivalence in my life disturbed me. but also for a holiday in Egypt. and return to my wicked ways. and after evaluating and re-evaluating my financial and emotional situation. I decided to go on pilgrimage.used Imran’s mother’s death to help me deal with my own loss. and with Zulpha during the week to continue their schooling. I wanted no sudden moments of fears and tears. I no longer wanted an up-anddown. and times when I was so involved in my environment and with what I was doing.

performing wuquf – recitations of the Holy Qur’an – I was a grain of sand in a desert storm. standing amongst millions of worshippers. for it was easy to get into a rut once you were back home. I would be in the ground by the next waq’t. I cried as I thought how important I had made myself. and smashed idols and placed the Black Stone – hajar al-aswad – believed to have descended from Heaven. The ground where Abraham’s wife. In Abraham’s time. had run to and fro between the hills of Safã and Marwah. as the symbol of the covenant made between God and Abraham. I returned home with a new mindset. I never went out bareheaded. the Quraysh rebuilt the Ka’bah. Their father was seeing them on a regular basis. and the Black Stone was removed. The next call to prayer would sound. I clung to my experience in Mecca and Medina. Hagar. and the twins sometimes spent weekends at his house. You do love me. In the Holy Prophet Muhammad’s time.
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. and never missed my prayers. My children were also doing well at school. It’s painful. I was standing on the same spot where Abraham had once stood with his son. I had to let go. If I died. When they invited the whole family over for supper a few months after my return and announced that they were emigrating to Australia. I could hear whispers of days gone by. The ground of the prophets. If I made my tawãf after midnight. I was as ordinary as the person next to me. the Ka’bah was only as tall as a man. and closed my eyes. The throng would press on. Ishmael. I had to do nothing at all to encourage him. and involved in other activities. I went home and cried. my sweets business was thriving. I was steadfast in my devotions. I was in the sight of God. I spent a lot of time in Abdul’s company. On the Mount of Mercy – Rahmãn – Arafãt. and as insignificant. looking for water for baby Ishmael. and prostrated himself before God. God.The experience started for me the day I arrived in Mecca and stood in front of the Ka’bah and looked at the House of God with the black silk Kiswah and gold embroidery. Imran belonged to my sister. and once a week I helped out. I was standing on holy ground. but I know it’s better for me. and that was it. into the foundation of the Ka’bah thousands of years ago. but knew that God had answered my prayers. Garaatie got me briefly involved with her work with street children in the Cape Town business district. on the ninth day of the month of pilgrimage. On the financial end. The sacred soil where the Holy Prophet himself had touched the highest part of his body to the ground. and again placed into the foundation of the House of God.

with an earring in his left ear and a motorbike. I didn’t discuss everything with them. She said prayers for her mother and talked to her. serenity classes. Magdalene. Jason. There were exercises. It came out in the papers that he was a rejected lover. Abdul had deeply touched my life.” I knew from his tone that we were going to hear something painful. had been trapped in a situation where society would judge more harshly than God. We scheduled a session at my house on a Saturday afternoon. Garaatie. and was shot by a man waiting in a car on the opposite side of the road. Lerisha talked about her mother who’d died ten years ago. Our son. At home. and a Christian man. Two weeks later. I sat with fifteen other people in a room in Claremont. He was crawling about on the grass. I made several new friends. We stood at the head of the katel and cried. The telephone rang. and I called it. We started to talk. drawing with crayons. I was crushed by his death. The man who’d shot Abdul was gay. and it wouldn’t have made one bit of difference. Gregory seemed moved by her experience and also spoke. and went to get it. I had no mentor now. My friendship with Rhoda and Garaatie was new. from the Cape Flats. Abdul came out of the mosque where he went for jum’aah prayers. was eleven months old. and I went to his funeral. meditating. but two in particular. Abeeda. and found that we enjoyed the meditation very much. He died instantly. and some of the sessions lasted up to six hours. and I listened to the speaker talk about the way to reach your higher self.One Friday afternoon everything came undone. I was shocked. Be steadfast in your love for God. I was with Jason in the yard. After meditation. Lerisha. How she missed her. Rhoda. There was a number at the end of the program. Gregory. how she wished there was a grandmother for her young daughter. How could this be? A man who loved God and taught Islam? But of course faith has nothing to do with sexual preference. He knows what’s in your heart. a program on spirituality caught my attention. and I lived in a house in Retreat. I recalled some of the advice Abdul had given me. I needed something from the garage. He too. no madressah to attend. Watching television one Sunday morning. “One Sunday morning Magdalene went out shopping for a few things we needed to prepare for her parents who were coming for lunch. a young Hindu girl. I
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. we had cake and tea. “Four years ago my wife.

and started to come on his own to my house. and the Catholic confessional. “But Islam’s a difficult one. I lost him six months ago. I was too moved to say anything. Spiritual Warrior. Then one day on the street a Hare Krishna stuck a book in my hand. No human being could help me. a Jewish sabbath. You have no control over that. He spoke about his son. Abdul. I joined a group of bikers. we make the time.” It was the first time I heard him laugh. But of course.”
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. I like to say that in Islam. The bucket was empty of compost. He was shot. I couldn’t see Jason at first. that there’s no time to sin. What is the most difficult thing to understand about Islam. Ten Hail Mary’s and all’s forgiven. They fast and everything.” “You let your sister have him. I looked at Gregory. “I would’ve been born with a Muslim heart. If it had been up to me. but it had rained the night before. do you think. It’s not easy to read.” He stopped talking. “Not that I loved him. When he got on his bike to go home.” he said. “She left me and went back to her mother in Athlone. “I’ve taken a look at the Qur’an. After four or five visits my own story came out. you’re so busy trying to stay on the straight and narrow. but it gave me something to hang on to.” I laughed. and touched him.” Greg took to calling me on the telephone. I had a very special friend.thought it was my wife and went to answer it.” Inside of me I felt an ache. and his interest in Eastern and other philosophies. and I was surprised at the way I opened myself to him. I stood with him for a moment at the gate. “Sometimes we have to speak. Lerisha stretched out her hand. Two of my cousins are Muslim. When I came out. Then I saw his legs sticking out of the bucket in which we used to carry the compost. I can’t tell you what’s in the book. “If you want to talk about it.” “He was hers to begin with. His face was damp. and for a while I just drifted.” I offered. “Did you see it as a betrayal?” he asked.” “What did you do?” “I turned to God. for an outsider?” “Maybe that you see it as a religion where there’re so many things to do.” “He didn’t love her.” “He found a way.

I had known what to do when Imran first gave me the letter. On my thirty-third birthday. But I didn’t delude myself.” He took it well. But the friendship remained. I should go for him. Just because I’d been to the holy land didn’t mean I didn’t look where I shouldn’t be looking. but of course. Beeda. and went out to movies sometimes. Just think what Shariefa will have to say. “Islam is my life. and helped me through the years Imran and Zulpha were away. but we would go in my car as I refused to sit on the back of a bike. then. gave me the friendship I missed with Abdul. I was Muslim. or that you should give up your faith. The weeks passed. And I won’t marry again. Greg was of another faith. I wasn’t going to even think what it would be like with this man. He was a great friend. “I should make you an honourable woman. but I know what you mean. What I liked best was the popcorn and that we laughed like kids.” That alone would’ve been worth it. But nothing will change with me.” “I am an honourable woman. I knew if he had just a taste of me. I knew what I had to do. Sometimes he just called and asked if he could come and have supper with me.Greg was a sensitive man. our conversations became more intimate. sometimes when he called. “A Christian man. Your friend Greg who’d like to know you better. I noticed things like lips and legs and hard behinds. So. One night he asked if I wanted to go to a movie. he was finished. And I don’t know that I’m ready to think in that direction. I said I had something else to do. and even met Rhoda and Garaatie who told me I shouldn’t be stupid. I wouldn’t go with my feelings now. The movie was a comedy.” He laughed. and he didn’t call again for a few weeks. He was vulnerable. I had four children. I covered up. Hy kan draai vir jou. I said yes. I can’t say that it was a complete surprise. Greg gave me a book on Japanese cooking and a beautiful card which read. we were all just fooling around. but I wasn’t going to find out. Gregory. Then they returned from Australia. A relationship with me can only lead to marriage. but had gone with my feelings. We can be friends.” We stayed friends.
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. and in a way. I had an idea. And I was needy. “We can remain friends?” “Yes.

and left the car in the road.
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. I didn’t have time to think about Zulpha’s test results. I hadn’t called Zulpha to find out how she was. they would know that the deal was off. and was scheduled to meet Yusuf at one to get the first half of the money. At eleven I stood by the window and toyed with the idea of parking the car in the garage. to ask if I wanted to come for supper that evening. But I was on edge. I was sure there would be nothing wrong. He suggested that we meet in front of the health food shop at Kenilworth Centre. then returned and parked in the garage. But I owed too much money. smoking cigarette after cigarette. On Thursday morning. I had time to change my mind. and also sort Zulpha out. “I have plans to go to Toeghieda. I went out for half an hour. It was becoming real. The car might actually be stolen by real thieves. Garaatie called just as I was rushing out the door.” I said. I told myself. Mahmood wouldn’t be there that night. she had some things to tell me. Once I took the money I was in over my head. and couldn’t settle down to do anything. but had until midnight to change my mind.” I wanted to pay Garaatie what I owed her. There would be no turning back once I did that.I
came home late from Zulpha’s house that night. They had scouted the area. Still. Imran’s talk with me in the coffee shop had unsettled me. and didn’t have to leave the car out on Thursday night. and couldn’t bring myself to do it. If the car wasn’t in the street when Yusuf scouted the area. I woke up worse than the day before. I paced up and down. I arrived at my house after ten. and drew aside the curtain to look out. I was still unsure whether to go ahead. “but I’ll see you this afternoon. The first part of the plan was complete. On Wednesday morning I woke up nervous and irritable. I had taken the first step. My car was still in the street. He’d cranked open a window I’d shut long ago. just to drive around a bit.

and was glancing at his watch already when I walked up. When do I get the rest?” “A week from now. He handed it to me and got up.U. We can meet here again. Once you take it. that’s it. “It’s all there. I didn’t want to look at them. I have the I. It’s on or it’s off. “I’ll take the money. which would be paid the following week. I thought. I took the money out of the envelope and counted the notes. and drove off.” “No. nodding his head towards the coffee shop. I can leave and we can forget we met. But I might still bring it back to you before tonight. I took them from him.” “Okay. All he had to do now. was act like a hood in one of those cheap movies and hand me the money surreptitiously. “Okay. You are still going out?” “To my sister’s house.” “What time will you be home?” “Ten or eleven. Yusuf was where he’d said he would be. This has to be it. Beeda. The postman was at the gate on his bike with a stack of letters.” He reached into his pocket and took out another envelope.” “Then don’t. That’s the truth. “Do you still want to go ahead?” Whatever I said – yes. Abeeda. but don’t do it if you don’t feel right. with a white sheet of paper with two lines stating that he owed me six thousand rand. I have the six thousand on me. It’s not too late. I can’t stay long. “Count it. “Do you want to have a juice?” he asked. It’s on. “The car will be picked up around two or three in the morning.” You can still walk away.” he said.” He reached into his inside pocket and took out a brown envelope which he handed to me. I arrived at the mall. They all looked like accounts. He waited for me to respond.” We were at the back of the coffee shop. Thanks.” We sat down and ordered fruit cocktails.I said goodbye to Garaatie and left. I threw them on the passenger seat. no – I was in trouble.” I was sure he could smell my desperation. “I would do anything not to do it.O. “Everything looked okay last night. White envelopes with cellophane windows.
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.” “Now about tonight. There’re other people involved.

I had an urge to sit behind the machines again. Fifteen minutes later. and I still had to go to Toeghieda. and was likely to pay out the jackpot. got into my car and turned left onto the M5. I had one thousand.“This is it then. The glitter and hum welcomed me back. But. and won five hundred rand. Margaret. And then two hundred. I got up and went to the bank of telephones near the exit. It was ten past four. It was dirty money. I sat on. After only half an hour in the casino.” I didn’t want to walk out of the centre with him. I got on the right machine. and headed for the entrance. The amount on my card was two thousand. but I was out of the hole. and a big chunk towards my credit card. Zulpha. I could pay Garaatie. four hundred rand. I would go with five hundred rand and leave five thousand. It was the perfect time to leave. I would drive straight back to Yusuf and give him back his six thousand rand. If I won. You have five hundred. “Thank God you’re still there. The machine was paying. Get up now. I checked the time. I had already smoked half a pack of cigarettes. I glanced at my watch. I played on. I won another three hundred. I headed straight for the wheel of fortune machines. I couldn’t leave. As luck would have it. The waitress brought my third coffee. five hundred in the car.
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. I had everyone’s money to give back to them. Give Yusuf’s money back. I hadn’t gone to see Garaatie yet. my money was down to one thousand six hundred rand. I would start a small little business again to get on my feet. I picked up a few items of groceries. I gave myself fifteen minutes to see if I could go over three thousand rand. This was my chance to terminate any criminal act I had planned. And dirty money begot more dirty money. All I had to do was go to Yusuf and give him back his money. And then five hundred. Zane. Four-thirty. Yusuf himself answered the telephone. and said that I had some shopping to do.” I said. I would still have a balance. I have to go. I had six thousand rand. eight hundred rand on my card. I’ll be in touch. dirtier than gambling money. Get up now. I was feeling good again. But the six thousand rand burned a hole in my wallet. I left the money under the mat in my car.

and would have the full six thousand rand Yusuf had given me.” “But I told you. but I wouldn’t be able to pay my debts any more. Can’t you come now?” “No. I turned to see who it was. once you take the money.” “I’ll be there. I’ve set the ball rolling. I’m stuck where I am. A man in his thirties was sitting there. I was so worried I wouldn’t get you in. I deeply regretted having left the machine. the one hundred I’d loaded into the machine when I first started to play. That decided me. I’m begging you. Let’s meet at the same place as this afternoon. really. I could cash in. waiting with cards in their hands.” “Okay. thrilling at the five hundred rand spin he’d just got. “You’ve wasted my time. They wouldn’t get my winnings like the man next to me. The man next to me got another spin. I took the machine that became available next to him. I lost
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. Those guys are going to be upset. I started to play. I had no winnings.” “You don’t want to go through with it?” “That’s right.” “I am. At five-thirty I had one hundred rand left. Can I meet you somewhere at six?” “Six is cutting it tight. I promise I’ll never bother you with something like this again.” “I know you leave at five. I could see from the leisurely way he took out his cigarettes and lit one. that’s it. Abeeda.“Is that Abeeda? You sound out of breath. But I knew if I pressed the button even once. Yusuf.” He was quiet for a moment. that he wasn’t going to get up. I would be eating into Yusuf’s six thousand. Bring me the money. I’d pumped over a thousand rand into the machine. I don’t want to go through with it. But how could I give the six thousand back when I had no other money? “Are you playing here?” someone asked behind me. I lit a cigarette to give myself time to think. I want to give you back the money. and won a thousand. man. I continued to play. No later than six. Nothing happened. The machine had gone cold. but I hadn’t lost. I would just make it to Kenilworth Centre. By five o’clock I had five hundred rand left on my card. But all right.” “Please. You’ve only played with a hundred rand of your own money. A couple.” I went back to the same machine. You can still leave a winner.

Even if I wanted to give Yusuf back his money now. Is there a sign posted here that says how long I can play? Or can’t you wait to get your hands on the money I’ve pumped into this machine?” The man gave a smug smile. “Yes. Now stop standing behind me.”
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.” I flashed the couple a look. then walked quickly out the casino to my car in the parking lot. I took five hundred from under the mat and returned to the machine I’d played on. Pay you motherfucker! But as the machine next to me trilled like an old whore. But even if Garaatie helped me. “Now wait a minute .” I wanted to spit in his eye. “Are you playing. I took my time lighting a cigarette. . . my own machine stripped me. my heart sat in my shoes. and I watched in stupefaction as all three wheels of gold locked into place on his machine.” Turning to the man next to me. and the four hundred rand in my wallet. “Excuse me?” I turned. “Can you stop hounding me? Go find another machine. “Would you mind keeping an eye on the machine for me? I’ll just be a minute. At seven o’clock. and we’ll get it. Fifty-two thousand rand! I couldn’t believe it. waiting. a machine I’d felt instinctively was going to pay. lady?” the woman behind me asked again. The couple was still there. the man next to me gave a sudden hoot. I’m just going to the ladies room. “We’ll wait. trying to decide what to do. I lit a cigarette. lady. I couldn’t do it. I thumped the button on my own machine with a vengeance.” The husband swelled out his chest. It was five past six. I said. She was still waiting for my machine. you wait. how was I going to give back Yusuf’s money? I had no idea where he lived. I’ll call an attendant. Go to Garaatie and tell her what happened. “If you don’t stop harassing me. You’re just a greedy little guts.” “No. I had never seen anyone win the jackpot. When I had lost the entire five hundred rand. It was the machine I’d played on. “Are you finished now?” “For God’s sake!” I snapped. then started to play. It was the same lady. A thousand gone from the six thousand. Too late for Yusuf now who had gone to Kenilworth Centre for nothing. Yet I’d left it to go and make a telephone call.the hundred on the card.

until the whole six thousand was gone. Over a complete cycle. How can that be? The casino’s supposed to pay back ninety-five percent.” I understood what he said. it’s your money I’m going to get. Not even a flippin’ five hundred rand did it give me. I waited for the attendant to finish. It had no conscience. it must pay out ninety-five percent. when suddenly all three wheels of gold symbols fell on the line. The machine may pay nothing for one or two days. I wanted to see the machine continue its relentless greed. “The machine has a cycle. “I have to run to the ladies room. and take this man’s money also. The man took my seat with a look at me that said. “There must be something wrong with this machine.” I said.” she said. And how can you play six thousand rand and get nothing? How does it work out to ninety-five percent?” He smiled. “It doesn’t mean that you get back ninety-five cents for every rand you play. I watched. I sat in the casino until ten that night. when two wheel of gold machines next to each other paid out the jackpot. I had to forget about visiting Garaatie. fuck you lady. It gave me nothing. The man played forty rand. I should’ve walked away. I couldn’t believe it. The hardest part was getting up and relinquishing my seat to the couple who was still there.” I said.They gave me a look and backed off a little. “I pumped six thousand rand into it. but the machine was a programmed predator. and it was getting late for Toeghieda. but made another.” The technician was used to these laments. then boom. I looked about for an attendant and called one over. I returned to the machine. The man on my left was busy with the attendant and the photographer who wanted to take a picture of him and his cheque. and a cycle may take several days. it pays it out all at once. But I had no money left in my purse. serious mistake. “Could I ask you to keep an eye on my machine?” “Not a problem.” “It didn’t pay anything to me. Five minutes later I was back from the parking lot with more money. and he won forty-one thousand rand!
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. ma’am. It must be in a down cycle. These machines can pay three or four mini jackpots in a day. hovering about like two scavengers. But it didn’t. I had taken out hundred after hundred rand in the hope that the machine would turn around. It was the first time in the history of the casino that night.

and listened to the whole story.” Garaatie found her speech. I felt an actual pain in my heart. What’s the time?” Garaatie glanced at her watch.” “That’s okay. The place was in darkness.” “Thanks. Now. I know that. she was speechless. My body trembled. I started from the beginning and told her everything. I could see my sons standing over my body on the katel. and switched on the light. But it’ll be some time before I can pay you back. I had visions of fainting. I took Yusuf’s money. “Who’s it?” a nervous voice asked from the other side of the door. “Listen. you know that.” “I know. or an Indian guy in Rylands who charged two-thirds less. They’ve been to my place. I rang the bell anyway. I found myself in front of Garaatie’s house. I will. I need to be stopped. but heart pain. disgraced by the fact that their mother had died in a casino. which made a huge change to her face. I can lend you six thousand to give to him. When I came to the end. You can pay me off. Beeda. But I want you to get help. Garaatie had taken almost a week to decide whether she should pay the hefty fee of a prosthodontist who used imported teeth to give a more natural look. It happened. and I practically fell into her arms. and his boys will be in my neighbourhood anytime now – if they’re not there already – to pick up my car. and the casino people having to extricate me from the locked cubicle. Garaatie. “You have that kind of money?” “You’re my friend. I don’t want you to go through with this. At eleven-thirty that night. I became frightened.” I looked at Garaatie with her new teeth.” I hugged her. how am I going to get the money to Yusuf?
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. Garaatie walked me to the living room. I’ll start baking or doing something again. Beeda. Garaatie. She brought coffee. “You need help.I went to the ladies room and sat with my face over the toilet bowl and threw up. “Don’t ask me how it got this out of hand. In the end she opted for the natural look. Not indigestion or anxiety.” “Oh my God. “Thanks. Garaatie. But I’m in serious trouble now. “You would do that for me?” I asked. What am I going to do now?” I could see from the frown on Garaatie’s face that she was against the idea. My knees shook against the cold cement floor. “It’s me.” She opened the door. But right now I’m in real shit. Beeda. “Quarter to one.

everything was in darkness.” Garaatie walked into the living room and peeped through the blinds. “I’ll come with you.” “What if it’s not Yusuf? I can’t give the money to strangers. “I’m so sorry. It’s out of my hands now.” “It’s too late now.” I said. I answered. I don’t want to go through with it. “When you didn’t pitch with the money.” he said. I had to go ahead with the plan. and noticed that there were six messages waiting.” Garaatie came inside with me. They’re in front of the house. “They’re going to take the car. There was a car parked on the corner. “Abeeda?” the voice asked.” “What happened to you at six o’clock?” Yusuf asked angrily.” “You’ll stay with me the night?” “Yes.” Garaatie got up and pulled a robe over her nightie.” I said. The phone rang just as I was about to go into the garage.They’re probably there now for the car.” “Don’t leave it outside. Don’t go out there.” Garaatie and I left for my house with the six thousand rand in a brown envelope.” “Are we going in two cars?” “Better not. but I paid no attention to it. “If your car’s in the garage and mine’s outside. and couldn’t reach you. “I had an emergency. We arrived at my house at one-thirty. “Yes. I just got home. Let me get the money.
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.” I felt the heat rush up into my face.” “You’re right. My guys just called me. and I was also earning some money again. “But I have your money. I’ve got your money. I should’ve gone to the toilet at home. Except for the street lights.” she said. And you can’t give them the money.” Garaatie said. just now they steal the Benz by mistake. I switched on the light and the kettle to make ourselves something to drink. “I have to go in to open the garage door from inside. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “I’ll come with you. “And leave the light on in the house so they know they can knock on the door. “They’re outside.” Garaatie came out of the toilet.” I said. They won’t go without the car. I went to the phone. and an extra five hundred rand for me to help me out until my children gave me some money.” “It’s too late.

” I said. I won’t need it now. “They’ve taken the car. “No. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you. .” “I didn’t want to do this. I’ll have to call them. you parked the car outside. “I tried to accommodate you. They’ll find it strange if I don’t call them after having my car stolen. I’ll call you in a week to make arrangements to pay you the rest.”
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. Garaatie.” Garaatie switched off the light and sat with me in the dark. and go to bed. “There’s nothing you can do now. You have half the money. You came home late.” “Listen. Tomorrow morning call the police and your insurance agent. “It’s all right. “And not your children. Abeeda. and sat down. but I brought them in with me. please. Put off the lights. “You’ll get through this.” I returned to Yusuf on the telephone. Just some accounts.” “Rhoda can’t know about this.” “My children will know tomorrow morning. . “Beeda. At least I can give you your six thousand back.” he said. It’s done. Don’t add any frills. You didn’t pitch.” she comforted me.” she said. I want your place to be in darkness. In the morning the car was gone.” Garaatie came to stand next to me. they’re driving off with it.“They’re in the car already. how do these things happen to you?” “I don’t know. There were some letters.” I held her hand in the dark.” she called.” “Did you leave anything in the car?” she asked.” “He told me my place should be in darkness. “I don’t believe it . I’ll walk to the corner and take a taxi in the morning. “Oh my God.” “You can keep some of it to pay your accounts if you want.” I replaced the receiver. Do you think it’s a good idea for you to be here when they come?” “No. my car’s gone. the five hundred’s enough.” “No.

You have to come in to open the garage door from the inside. I don’t like to open the garage door late at night.” “Did you have a tracking device?” “No. I didn’t think anything would happen.” “Did you see what kind of car?” “No. got dressed. I came home late one other night this week also. “Were there valuables in the car?” he asked.” “Do you usually park outside?” “Not really. From the garage you can go straight into the house. I had parked it right in front of the gate. “Just some old tapes in the cubbyhole. I waited half an hour. yes. It may have belonged to the people in the house. I’m quite vulnerable. I had practised in the mirror what I would say. “I got up this morning. “I came home late last night. Well. but I do occasionally when it’s late. there was a car parked near the corner.”
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. and was ready for them. Nothing happened.G
araatie left my house at six-thirty in the morning. I didn’t notice anything. then called the Athlone Police Station.” “You don’t park in the garage?” Detective Van Schalkwyk asked. When I open the door from inside the garage. got dressed in tracksuit pants and a long T-shirt. I just remember that there was a car.” “Did you notice anything unusual when you came home? What time did you say that was?” “After one.” The other detective was busy making notes. You hear so much about car-hijacking in your own driveway. went outside for my car – I was going to join the gym at Kenilworth Centre – and my car wasn’t there.” “Was there anyone in it?” “I didn’t pay attention. Two detectives came to see me. I was too tired. and left the car out. or when there’re no neighbours about.

remember?” “I remember. together with the case number.” he said. “We have to wait and see what they come up with.” “We did talk about insurance for a replacement vehicle. He came over almost immediately. “What are the chances of getting my car back?” I asked. Mrs Ariefdien.” He wrote down his details.” I pointed to the spot above the microwave oven. “In the meantime.” I read what he had written. We’ll let you know as soon as we have anything. and sometimes we don’t. “No.” I said. and the car’s found. and seemed more thorough in his questioning about the events of the previous night than the police. You can give them my name and telephone number. They’ll need a copy of the police report.” “I can’t believe it’s been stolen. Van Schalkwyk nodded. he got up and put everything in his briefcase.” “What happens now?” I asked. “I’ll get the police report from Detective Van Schalkwyk. and signed.” When they were gone. and called the agent. I had spoken to my sons on the telephone. Let’s hope it’s just one of those overnight things. and just sign here. It’s hanging on that hook right over there. If you could take a look at this.
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. and we find it within the next few days. “I can’t say. Sometimes we get lucky. “We’ll get on to it. but who would’ve thought something like this would happen?” I felt quite dirty after that little performance. They got up. “It’s going to be strange not having a car. Did I owe any money on the car? Had the car been in any accidents? I answered without showing my irritation. “All right. and looked at Van Schalkwyk. But there’re lots of cars being stolen by syndicates.” When he had asked all his questions and written a two-page report. By one o’clock that afternoon. I told him about the money I’d borrowed from Howard at the shop. and offered one of his drivers in case I needed to go out. especially Toyotas and Golfs. Zane came to the house to see if I was all right. made notes.“How many sets of keys?” “Only the one I have. and gave it to me. you have to report it to the insurance company. He listened to my story. I took out my policy. Solly Horowitz was Zane’s agent and took care of all Zane’s insurance. He finished writing.

Imran says she’s keeping it all in. Anyway. I couldn’t get away.” she said.“It’s all right. It was after one when I got home. The left breast has to come off.” “What are the chances of getting the car back?” “I don’t know. After all this time. She’s at home. I had to go and see Garaatie at the last minute. but maybe a 2000. I had told him so much about you. “but hear me out. Toeghieda. Toeghieda had a way of breaking news. not knowing whether to laugh or cry. I’m sorry.” “After one? Oh my. Have you spoken to Zulpha?” “Not yet. Can you believe it? Three months. We’ll be at your house around five. “I know you’re upset with me.” Toeghieda continued. I’ve called the police and the insurance agent and sorted it all out. “I might as well give Mummy’s money now before I forget.” The way she said it made me defensive. I’m insured for theft. “There’s more. I called my eldest sister. I won’t be able to get a new one. I didn’t know you stayed out that late. It must’ve been a helluva time you had there with Garaatie. We waited for you.” “But don’t you park it in the garage?” “I do.” “I’m sorry to hear this.” “You could’ve called.” he said. I was too tired. I know she gets the results today. putting his hand into his trouser pocket and taking out his wallet. but I didn’t last night. Zane’s driver will help me if I need to go anywhere. You know how she is.” “What?” I sat down. and this man was so disappointed.” I lit a cigarette and went to sit in the lounge for a few minutes before
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. my car was stolen. “What a rotten thing to wake up to. I couldn’t make it to your house last night. “And?” “She’s got cancer.” I started. Mylie and I are going there later. And to crown it all.” “I told you not to tell him anything. When he was gone. when I got up this morning. “She’s also pregnant.” “She’s got the results.” “What? Your new car?” “Yes.” He counted out six hundred rand and gave it to me.” “It was nothing like that.” “Can you come around here and pick me up?” “Sure.

but just the thought of the casino depressed me. I was fatigued. A mastectomy was a serious thing. And a baby now. what a mess.” “I feel sick when I think of it. anxious to know what had happened after she left my house. She already knew that I knew I had a gambling problem. I wanted to get up and call Zulpha. and started to fan herself. And stealing my own car. and Zulpha had got thin over the past year. and had even taken to wearing loose pants and tops. I had an idea of what was going through her mind. “Do you still get hot flushes?” I asked. She still wore too much polyester. That was the hardest. She no longer bundled herself up like a mummy. Breast cancer killed. but my body ached.” “He still owes you six thousand rand. at forty-three. Garaatie had done something about her appearance since Mahmood took a second wife. I made tea. and wore a single muslin scarf. Our mother hadn’t had cancer. and had grown her hair a bit and touched it up with a little henna. I had hardly laid my head on the pillows. I had no energy. and have a nap in the meantime. Can you find out if everything went all right?” “He doesn’t want me to make contact. Ya Allah. Just hope they don’t catch the thieves. I’d told one lie after another all morning. I would wait until Toeghieda picked me up. this man owes me six thousand rand for stealing my car. when the doorbell rang. I told her everything that had happened. “You can be glad that part’s over. noticing her clothes and her hair.” “I know.” she said.making a call to my younger sister. That piece of paper he gave you means nothing. and desperately needed to speak to someone I could be honest with.” Garaatie picked up a magazine from the coffee table. It’s not as if I can go to the police and say. I thought. but our grandmother had died of it. I finished my cigarette. but she was coming right. yet glad to see her. “We can only hope that the police are too swamped to give this case a lot of attention. It was a confusing time. “Yusuf could’ve called the thing off if he wanted to. I appreciated that she didn’t lecture me. We sat on the couch. But you know yourself that I didn’t want to go through with it.
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. but Garaatie wasn’t one of those I-told-you-so kind.” She looked at me. It was Garaatie. I hadn’t had time yet to digest the events of the last twenty-four hours.

But talking about no one next to you.” “Are you happy?” “I’m not unhappy.” I looked at her. He didn’t say to me. You’re scoring points. It’s not bad. with no one next to me. “Visitors?” Garaatie asked. and my monthly allowance isn’t bad. You look happier. “I’m still hurt that I wasn’t enough. It was a nuisance anyway driving her to the station every day to go home. we actually spend time together.“I’m hot all the time. She’s not well. Beeda. he’s not running off anywhere.” “A Friday night? Oh my.” I saw Toeghieda’s car stop in front of the house. I like driving a Benz.” “You know I won’t. It had been all about him. Garaatie. And I’ve asked Bronnie to come and live with me permanently now. they help. And we go out on Friday nights. We never used to do that before. At least when I come home late at night. On the days he’s with her. “Mylie and Toeghieda. he only leaves around five in the afternoon. but it’s still weekend. At least when I see him the two nights. that one day he might want another woman.” “I’m glad.” “It’s not big like a Saturday night.”
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. fanning faster. She goes home on weekends now.” “Just take the patches. the stakes too great.” She became wistful. there’s someone there. But I’ve put up with his arse for twenty-five years. when he married me. I throw off all the blankets. the more he gave. I still think of that. And maybe Mahmood will settle down now. And when he leaves to go to her on Saturday. I have to go to the gynie. I see just how much my life had revolved around his. That’s a big night to give to you. That guilt thing. what’s happening with you and Mahmood?” She smiled. I don’t have to worry about cooking and I can do what I want. He was always off on his own. In fact. “You’ve come to terms with the whole thing. When I see him now. the more he cheated. but he’s not stingy. I have time for myself now. He’s unfaithful.” “I’ve decided just to let things be. I’m happy. I won’t lie to you. and if you’re happy.” she said. “even at night. Garaatie. I’m going with them to Zulpha’s house.” “What’s wrong with her?” “You’re not to say this to anyone. and she has no one really waiting for her there. “I’m seeing him tonight. another woman isn’t going to take it all away from me. The battle had been too hard.

but we’ll talk later. I told her that her own life had to come first. “Sit down. to a girl in her twenties. Zulpha poured coffee. “Yes. “How’s Garaatie?” Toeghieda asked. seemed even looser around her shoulders. “Well. I have to have surgery. you have to think about it. I have to go now. “What?” “I only heard this afternoon. “You got the test results. she has to have radiation or chemotherapy. “I’ll put another pizza in the oven. And she wears pants and tops now.” “I heard her husband got married again. she can’t take a chance waiting half a year to have the surgery done.” When we arrived at Zulpha’s house. if you know what I mean. Zulpha.” “She’s not sure she wants to have the mastectomy now. I know how much you’ve always wanted a baby. If she has the mastectomy.” Imran said.” “Yes. A cream dress she’d worn just the previous week.” Zulpha stared down into her coffee cup. ” “If it will be normal?” she asked.” Garaatie’s hand flew to her mouth. She’s also growing her hair. She wants to hold off with the surgery until after the baby’s born. “What do you mean?” “They also discovered that Zulpha’s pregnant. but you’ve got to put your own life first.” “How serious is it?” “I have to have a mastectomy. Did she lose weight?” “Yes. I noticed dark circles under her eyes.” I said. . she and Imran were at the kitchen table having pizza. It’s no use there’s a baby. She’s discovered this other person called Garaatie. “He’s right.” Imran was good with sandwiches and pizza. and I was happy for something to eat. “She looks different.” Imran said. I got into the car with Mylie and Toeghieda. We’ve lived all the years without a baby. and no mother to look after it. . She has time for herself now. While he got out the olives and feta cheese.” Garaatie walked out with me.“Zulpha might have to have a breast removed. And a child now – you don’t even know if . How serious does the doctor think it is?”
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.” “And Garaatie’s okay with that?” “What woman will be okay? But she’s happier now.

” Imran’s call made me think.” “Thank you. Garaatie picked me up to take me to the hospital. I was more afraid of the consequences to my soul. But if I do go ahead with the surgery. I didn’t want Imran to fetch me. a pregnancy would complicate things. I need time.” Toeghieda spoke for the first time. And she just got the news. I thought of where my car might be at that moment. “I think Zulpha must decide what’s best for her. I’m still struggling with the fact that I have cancer. which was scheduled for Thursday. The least provocation. I felt vulnerable.“He wants to operate next week. I’m not too old to have this baby. I sat in the kitchen with my sisters and their husbands until late. and the whole rotten story of the stolen car would come pouring out. a woman who’d been to Mecca. She was drowsy. The cancer was advanced. She knows the implications.”
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. I never thought once that a police van might roll up to my house to take me to jail. that no one dared to respond. which already was in a stage of putrefaction. Zulpha was out of surgery and in the ward already when we arrived. And in case anyone of you are thinking it. but I did have an idea of Zulpha’s desire for motherhood. A woman who until a year ago hadn’t missed any of her prayers. I’ll take my chances. I couldn’t imagine what it was like to be told that your breast had to come off. He had recommended a termination.” She said it with such finality. That same woman had turned into a gambler and a thief. I had sold my soul for six thousand rand. “The cancer’s spread to the liver. On Thursday afternoon. But I knew the moment I saw Imran’s face that it was bad news. He walked with me to the hallway. While Toeghieda talked about the dinner I’d missed at her house and the man she’d wanted to introduce me to. and didn’t really know that we were there. A mastectomy’s all she’s going to have. I looked at Imran. She needs time to think. Zulpha refused. On Monday morning Zulpha called to say that she was going ahead with the surgery. but she doesn’t want to. I won’t have the treatment until after the baby’s born. Imran also called to tell me what the doctor had said. and whether the thieves had gotten away clean. Me. His eyes told me that Zulpha was firm in her decision. “I asked her to delay the surgery by a week so she could think it all out carefully. “How did the surgery go?” I whispered.

And I know it’s because of what happened at the casino. Beeda. “A function?” “Not really. You insisted on playing on my machine. He’s a clever boy.” she said. and put on the kettle for tea. I thought it was time to come and see you. “Abeeda. then came to the point of her visit. Rhoda. Rhoda. a machine I didn’t want to get up from. And you? Come in. “I know. I got an unexpected visit from Rhoda. I know things haven’t been the same between us. Inscha Allah. You won ten thousand rand and you took it all for yourself.T
hree days after Zulpha’s surgery. peering into my kitchen. “You’re baking.” She spoke for a few more minutes. I pulled out a chair for her. He’s graduating on Sunday. But I
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.” she said.” She came in and put the carrier bag on the kitchen counter. but it’s not like before. “Well. and there she stood at my back door in a black robe.” “Marsha Allah.” “That’s it?” “I played on your machine and I won. My grandson completed his memorisation of the Qur’an. But then Rabia’s always been one for reading the Qur’an. “I’m going to Mecca. I was busy in the kitchen with Margaret rolling out pastries for pies. and you couldn’t go to Mecca without asking forgiveness of anyone you might’ve hurt. “I’m fine. I feel dreadful about it. “I brought you some guavas from my tree. with a carrier full of guavas. how are you?” I put down my rolling pin.” She looked down at her hands.” “No. I don’t know if you’ve heard.” I met her eyes. please.” “I know. “What happened at the casino?” “I played on your machine.” “I’m not bad friends with you.” She was coming to greet.

holier-than-thou-with-her-twenty-rand.” She reached into her bag and took out a clear plastic wallet with a wad of rolled up orange notes.” she said.” “But you will tell me?” “Yes.” Rhoda lit two cigarettes and handed one to me.haven’t done anything with the money. “Half? Five thousand for you and five thousand for me?” “That’s fair. Beeda. “I know money can’t buy friendship. I can’t go to Mecca without your forgiveness. “Take what you think is fair. Let’s see her go to Mecca with that money!” Rhoda laughed heartily. Rhoda.” I got up and hugged her. putting it in front of me. I’m not out of it yet. I’m not going to help you. “This can never happen again. I wouldn’t have believed a year ago I’d get into such trouble. “I said to Garaatie. “Did you hear what happened to Shariefa’s cousin.” She searched through her bag for her cigarettes. but I hope we can start again. I came here to end this rift between us. I was pissed off.” She became serious. but I still missed you. “No.” “I don’t have the energy to tell you now. I kept asking her things.
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. but I knew about the money. “That bladdy Garaatie wouldn’t tell me anything. for my forgiveness?” “For your forgiveness. but I’m better. I missed you. Could we have the old friendship back. Garaatie stood by me.” “Me too. We’ve known each other since high school.” “Are you going to tell me? You can’t let Garaatie know and not me. but she just evaded me.” I looked at the plastic wallet. I wondered? Could I take the money? I didn’t know about the friendship.” “You’re in trouble?” “Yes. “The money for our friendship. This is your thing.” “I know. then she insists on playing on my machine and she wins. And all over gambling.” “This is why you came here.” She considered my words. Ganief? The one with the chicken franchise?” “No. Miss Doesn’t Gamble.” She smiled. and to do the right thing. you do what you think is fair.

Ganief got up. Toyer returned with another five thousand. Anyway. I could tell Rhoda about the young mother who came with her housekeeping allowance and her eight-year-old son. His wife went home to her mother. Toyer gave in and went to fetch the last five thousand rand. Toyer knocked on the door. The floor manager felt sorry for Ganief and had the waiter bring him a cola tonic.” It was a horrible story. He lost that money also. Toyer got the hotel manager. Ganief was convinced it was going to pay. That was his reasoning. there was a crowd of people gathered around. Ganief played five thousand rand on a machine. He asked Toyer to get more money. The machine swallowed the whole five thousand without giving him anything.“Shariefa always has a lot to say about other people. “The family hushed the whole thing up. he didn’t come out. but you don’t hear her talking about this. Everyone waited to see what Ganief was going to do. They found Ganief lying with his face on his arms on the floor. to the toilet. She’d seen six hundred rand on my card and asked if she could borrow a hundred. She knew some of them. He’s in therapy now at a clinic in Claremont. and went to the hotel room. Asking a complete stranger for a loan. Ganief sent Toyer back to the hotel room. By now. but you know how these things get out. Toyer brought him the money and Ganief played on. Toyer was with him. Half an hour went by. Ganief was at Sun City a few weeks ago. Some of them came in robes and fezzes. I gave her a fifty-rand note and told her she could keep it.” “Oh my God. and watched in disgust. he was in hospital for three days. but I had stories of my own I could tell.” Rhoda took a long drag on her cigarette. it had to give something back. I could tell her about the hadji with the goldtrimmed medorah and thin cigarettes who’d actually asked me for money. he sent Toyer to the hotel room for another five thousand. and told me the story. They pumped his stomach. Toyer didn’t want to do it. Apparently. he said. and occupied lofty positions in the community. as the machine took that also. He didn’t look left or right. It had taken his money. The machine took that money also.
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. I could tell Rhoda about the people I’d seen at the casino. and left the child alone for hours where he stood like a lost sheep in the foyer waiting for her to finish gambling. There was no answer. Next to him was an empty plastic container. Toyer said. Ganief insisted. as if there wasn’t any responsibility to pay it back.

Beeda. I’d forgotten all about it. You can’t ever go back to the casino.” “Did you know she was coming?” “No. Did you tell her about the car?” “Only that it had been stolen. and rolled around struggling for breath outside on the pavement.” “Oh my word. I told her that Rhoda had been to my house and given me five thousand rand. you see the one crying behind the machine. The security had to be called.”
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. Remember those letters from the postmen I brought in with me the night they took the car?” “I do. And always there’s a story of great gain and great loss. The stories would make Rhoda laugh and cry. The woman was so distraught. but hardly ever went home with anything more than heartburn. yes. You won’t believe what else happened. With two thousand. You see the person throwing up in the toilet.I could tell her about the girl from Bishop Lavis who would play out her taxi fare home and then had to hang about the machines until the next morning when someone would come and collect her. Each one contributed five hundred rand. I would never have done it. They had numerous strategies. I was one of two beneficiaries on his policy. “I don’t believe it! She actually came to see you? My word. It was time you guys had it out. then go out on the floor. after the draw.” “One of them was from Reza’s insurance company. And if I’d looked at those letters before I ran off to see Yusuf. but I’m glad she did. I could tell her about the four fifty-year-old fatties who came at eleven o’clock on Wednesday nights. but what story could be more tragic than the Muslim woman who arranged for her own car to be stolen to settle a gambling debt? When Garaatie called later that evening. You’ve been given another chance. I could tell her about the singer with the big hit who’d won a twentythousand rand jackpot. God loves you. and played the whole amount out the same night. You’re the only one who knows. they played with four white cards. and she was taken off in an ambulance. They would go for their toasted cheese sandwiches and free coffee first. when the machines had been pumped full of money. When are you coming around? I want to give you your money. and shared the winnings. and you get to hear everything. I know these stories because in a casino the man next to you is your partner in chance. she had a hyperventilation attack.

“I won’t.” She was silent for a moment. “Yes?” “I think we’ve found your car.” “Anything from the police?” “No. “Did you find the people who stole it?”
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. I know I would if my car was stolen. “Mrs Ariefdien? It’s Detective van Schalkwyk. “You’d better make a call to them and sound anxious. How can I? I don’t have a car. I want to go and see Zulpha tomorrow.” “Don’t be silly. It’s been stripped.” My heart jumped in my chest.“ “But why would anyone strip a new car? Are you sure it’s my car?” “It’s a red Toyota. People do that. “Not today. It was supposed to be whisked out of Cape Town. Beeda. I could only hope that the car wasn’t found. I wondered who would be calling me so early in the morning.” I asked the question that I knew could alter the rest of my life.” “I’ll come by and pick you up. Athlone Police Station. “What time do you want to go?” “Two o’clock.” “How is she?” “Very depressed. It was just after 6. But we think it’s yours.” The car wasn’t supposed to be found. trying to sound happy.30 a. I don’t want to have it in the house.” she offered. We can’t be sure. I didn’t even want to think about what I’d done. but that’s too bad. let alone continue the charade.” The next morning the telephone rang loud and shrill next to my ear on the bedside table. The engine’s been taken out. He didn’t want me to contact him.” “And what about your money from Yusuf? The week’s over. “In Elsies River. She’s coming home from the hospital. resprayed and sold.m. I want to give you your money. Ask about the car. I glanced at the clock. “Where did you find it?” I asked.” She had a point.” “I’ll call him tomorrow. but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.” “Don’t go to the casino.

I’m not going anywhere today. is send someone over to take your fingerprints. One thing I want to do. I’ll wait. I stood under the spray until the water ran cold. I have some things I need to do. I walked back to the house. And why call Garaatie from a shop? I was thinking like a writer. As I said. Mummy can use it. No one was going to monitor my telephone to see who I’d called. I just wanted to let you know that we’ve had some success.” Rabia brought the car to me shortly after nine. but forgot to make salaah. Maybe you can take the pastry back with you. It’s all ready in the fridge for Sunday. “Is something wrong?” Mahmood asked. At least that’ll rule out whether or not the car’s yours.” I closed my eyes. I realised that the shops were still closed. and called Zane.“Not yet. I couldn’t imagine what I would tell my sons. I’m just getting Shaheed ready to go to his classes. “We can even pick the car up from there.” “Thanks.” she said. I hadn’t even had coffee. We’ll look for matching fingerprints in the car. but I remembered that Garaatie was coming later that day to take me to Zulpha. they would find Yusuf. “What happens now?” I asked. Rabia answered and told me that he had just left.” “That’s fine. I can bring the car over. It had been Mahmood’s night the night before. “We’ll make a full report after the investigation’s complete. but the Polo’s here. and he was there in the kitchen with her having a honeymoon breakfast of sausage and eggs. and Yusuf would point his finger at me.” My first thought was to phone Garaatie and tell her. and was walking to the corner café to make a call. and Mummy can drive me back. I can have it back to you this afternoon. If they caught the thieves. I could see the two detectives walk up to my door to come and arrest me. I got dressed.”
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. I really would like to. I’m going to Zulpha around two. I was worried. “You look like you’ve lost your best friend. I dropped her off at home with the pastry and rolling pin and told her I could be there early on Sunday morning to help with the baking. Then I drove to Garaatie. One of them would have to fetch me. “Do you know if he’s driving the Polo or the BMW today?” “Does Mummy need a car? He’s got the BM. but we have some leads that we’re working on. we can’t be sure.” “Thanks. Garaatie will pick me up. Out on the street. I got up and had a shower. but we’re working on it.

But you must make the call. What do you think? I don’t know what happened. I don’t want to go to the garage. I winked at Garaatie.“Almost. “Thanks for helping me out.” I hugged her and opened the car door. Or they think it’s my car they’ve found. What are you going to do now?” “I’m going to call Yusuf from a public phone. I didn’t know you were here. and took it out.” he said. laughing.” “Oh my God. I hadn’t seen her this happy in a long time.” “It won’t be your car.” He buttered some toast. As I said. And now?” “That’s why I came to see you. He owes you six thousand rand. Sit down. “I didn’t know you were here. Have something to eat with us. to God’s ears. Garaatie had completely got used to her new situation.”
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.” Garaatie gave one of those smiles. I must say. She was still in her nightgown.” she said.” She glanced back at the front door.” I had her five hundred in an envelope in my pocket. “I don’t think you should go to the garage. I’m still picking you up at two. I knew this was a bed-tobreakfast-to-bed thing. It’s all there. She walked me out to the car. I looked at her standing at the kitchen counter. I wanted to know if Garaatie wanted to come to Cavendish with me. I’m scared. please. “I would come with you. “Yes. I have Zane’s car.” “You don’t mind that I can’t come with you now?” “Of course not. “we’re just having breakfast. “Thanks. and pray that it’s someone else’s car that was found. and that I had come at the wrong time.” “It’s not a problem.” I said.” Garaatie got up to make more coffee. But wait for my call. I wanted to call Yusuf. “From your lips.” I said. I might go to Zulpha directly. “They found the car. I’ll see you later. Garaatie. or I wouldn’t have come barging in like this so early.” “Okay. “I had a call from the police this morning.” She took the envelope from me and put it in her gown pocket. you’ll see. “but I just have some stuff to do with Mahmood in town this morning. Garaatie. “You’re off shopping?” he asked. and I don’t want to go there just in case the place is being watched.

If I took the exit. I felt heavy and depressed. I was still playing with my original hundred rand. then suddenly went tick. I felt almost guilty when I got a spin and it landed on a thousand rand.I went to the bank and paid two thousand rand towards my credit card. and come back. “you really are the king of the wheel of gold. You’re really fucking these machines. Go make that call and go home. lady.” While I waited for the attendant to sort me out. I could imagine myself standing in front of God one day. I was in a mess. I didn’t go to the telephone. five hundred rand. tick. Within five minutes. and now she’s won another thousand!”
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. and left it under the mat in the car. The attendant came and gave me a cheque. If I stayed on the highway. The car continued along the highway. I had left Margaret’s money at home. Then I went to the shop to buy groceries. I checked the computer.” a man with an earring said at my ear. . It was ten-thirty. out of which I still had to pay Zulpha her five hundred rand. I inserted my other card into the machine next to it. I hit a mini jackpot. and was going all the way to the casino to make a telephone call. I chose one of them. tick. Three thousand rand! I couldn’t believe it. and hang a left. I hadn’t even ordered coffee yet. and had a thousand rand left of the money Rhoda had given me. I thought. and gave me a red seven and two wheels of gold. I parked in the lot. the wheel of gold lady. together with an extra three hundred for incidentals. Several people had seen me win the earlier jackpot. take a look around. . I went to the second machine that hadn’t paid out. The machine took eight hundred from me. and a look. I would go home. and were standing there. “Lady. “Aah . I would just make the call. took out Zulpha’s five hundred rand. and God saying. and won two thousand. I had seconds to make the decision. Just a phone call. I could shoot all the way to Vanguard Drive. I saw that two of the three machines I usually played on hadn’t paid out since the day before.” King of the wheel of gold. I had a call to make and three hours to kill. “Hell!” the same man exclaimed. The urge to see what was happening at the wheel of gold machines was too great. “This woman’s lucky! She’s just won three thousand rand. I was on the highway coming up to the Jan Smuts exit. I saw a waitress and asked her to bring me a coffee.

Four thousand. I counted out my winnings. I knew I could lose it all if I went back. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you earlier. I couldn’t apply myself to what was happening. I’m scared of what I might hear. plus the money I’d come with. “You’re never going to stop. Garaatie.” someone else added. I need to hear it. I made tea and sandwiches and thought over and over again about the wheel of gold machines.” “You have to make that call. You have to do something about it.” “What?” Then her voice dropped and she sounded almost desperate.“And two thousand. “You’re right. you know that. I would never come back. But just like I’d won it. I just had nowhere to go. I never thought of going to the casino when I came to your house this morning.” “It did. so you don’t have to come and get me if you have something else to do.” “Did you call Yusuf?” I felt a heaviness come over me. five hundred on the machine behind it. five hundred rand.” “I won four thousand.” “Agreeing with me doesn’t absolve you.” “For God’s sake.” “Keep on with me. At Zulpha’s house that afternoon. I was free now. Munier and Marwaan arrived with their wives to come and visit Zulpha. I called Garaatie from Zulpha’s bedroom. Remember?” I didn’t want to continue this on the telephone. Beeda. now you’re going to blame me?” “I’m not blaming you. Beeda. I took my cheques from the attendant and went to cash out. I have no excuse. It was almost sickening that I could’ve won so much money. Back in my car. what did you do before this casino came to town? You had a life. Anyway.” “Oh. I have a lift home. “Not yet. six hundred. Nothing I said cheered my sister up. The house had an oppressive atmosphere. “I went to the casino. This thing with the car didn’t scare you.” “You didn’t. The
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.” “I know.” I said. Zulpha was depressed and Imran did most of the talking. “You don’t want to know what happened.” “What happened?” I glanced towards the door.

I could tell that they’d been there all night. We’ll talk tomorrow. They were better than the double-diamond ones on the end. I had a choice of seven. then a combination of seven hundred and twenty. I got up from the machine and went to sit on the one next to it. I was down four hundred and seventy rand. which allowed me to play on. Okay. I was surprised to see five people at the wheel of gold machines already. This I rolled up and put into my purse. and one for me. I didn’t make anything to drink. But the machines that I hadn’t played on. had paid out another three thousand three hours later. One of them will bring me home.” But tomorrow with Garaatie never came. I went home after nine and went straight to bed. you’ve checked the machines. at four-fifteen. Zane said I could use the Polo until Sunday when I came for Shaheed’s graduation. When the kettle boiled. I looked for a waitress and ordered a coffee. I was in a panic. and chose one of the triple-diamond machines. It was just after six. you’ve played. wondering if anyone had won since I’d left. I didn’t want to go to the ATM machine and withdraw money that I’d just paid in on my credit card the day before. Rabia and Zane are also coming later. One hoepie for Margaret. I played on. Time to go. I kept seeing the machines. I got another spin of seventy-five rand. but I couldn’t sleep. got into the shower. Mine was the only light on in the street. I tried to go back to sleep. It took
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.twins are here. I tossed under the sheets until it was time again for my faj’r prayers. one for household accounts and groceries. The one for me was spending money to the amount of five hundred rand. I got up and made salaah and asked God to give me strength so that I never returned to the casino. then went to check the machines on the computer. I inserted my card and a hundred-rand note. I was in the Polo heading down Klipfontein Road just as the first thread of light crept into the sky. By six-thirty. I would have coffee where someone could bring it to me on a tray. I switched on the kettle for coffee and counted out my money into four piles at the kitchen table while I waited for the kettle to boil. one hoepie for the bank. It was dark outside. and put on my jeans and a loose top. plus a profit of three hundred. but not as generous as the five-times ones I liked to play on. The machine that had paid me the two thousand five hundred the day before. It was for a hundred rand. On my last six rand I got a spin. hadn’t paid yet. From their pasty expressions. I got up. I had all my money back.

Two coffees. Was I going to sit here the whole morning winning and losing until I had nothing left? When was I going to stop? I was not going to the ATM machine for more money. By noon. I would have something to eat at the restaurant. playing.” I took out my card. I was a professional. I got up. A compulsive professional? You’re a gambler. Compulsive. I could bring the chips right to the machines where I could continue to play and not waste time in a restaurant. I started to play again. and called him over. I had one thousand. I played on. and lost what was on the card. Half past one. I lit another cigarette. I hadn’t had anything to eat. inserted another one. and left for the food court where I bought a packet of masala chips. and quickly went to the toilet. “Would you mind keeping an eye on the machine for me. I glanced at my watch. at two-thirty in the afternoon. When I got to my machine. and went to a third machine. I watched as sixteen hundred rand went straight onto my card.less than an hour for that machine to take everything. the woman told me that several people had wanted to play there. I had the five hundred I’d come with and the three hundred from the ATM. and went to the ATM and withdrew three hundred rand. I got up. Casino money. three hundred rand on my card. you’re darem lucky. After playing out two hundred and thirty rand. I was still sitting there. four hundred rand on my card. I would play just with the four hundred rand profit. please?” I asked the woman next to me. I went back to the same machine. call Yusuf. and two thousand. the machine made that ticking sound and three diamonds locked into place. I could go home and tell myself I’d had a grand time. removed the card. And so I was still there. and inserted the one with the four hundred rand on it. and go home. I got a spin and won a thousand. and take home the money that was mine. and still hadn’t called Yusuf. and I left it. I had a thousand rand in my purse. He came and gave that friendly smile. Within minutes. “I’ll be right back.
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. Before returning to the machine. Dirty money. I thanked her for looking after it for me. “Wow.” The machine had done its duty by me. I saw an attendant with a striped jacket and a wire hanging out of his ear. and that’s it. But I walked past the bank of cashiers. I went up to the cashier and asked to cash out a thousand. One coffee. lady. I stopped to light a cigarette. and a two-hundred rand profit.

I just got another spin of two hundred. Freshness. I just heard about it. Ma’am?” I looked at his name tag.” “That’s quite a serious thing.” I was standing behind my seat. I don’t want to touch the machine. there’s no freshness in this place. I can’t stop. As you can see.” He looked at me.“Yes.” “You won’t be allowed to come onto the premises. I don’t want to come back.” “Is it a big thing?” I asked.” I could tell from his eyes that he thought I was nuts. that this casino has the right name. and I have to. It’s certainly a grand place. It has a sense of spring about it. Ma’am?” “Of course. Robin. But I’ve had enough. and I’ve had a great grand time coming here. Robin. Robin. Ma’am?” “I want to ban myself. Do you know what happens when you’re banned?” “No. I’m coming back.” “May I make a suggestion.” “I believe so. I don’t want to come here any more. And maybe I was. Muslims don’t have names like that. I’m back here tomorrow. I’ve made a lot of donations here. It’s a giant playground. Robin. I have two thousand five hundred rand on it now.” “What do you mean. not even through the gate. The machine was playing on its own. not sure where I was going. and take you to security. If I take the money. ma’am?” “Yes. God knows. Robin.” “Why don’t you cash out and go home with the money?” I laughed. I mean it. when you’re ready. “My name’s Abeeda. I can’t handle it. You know. I want the memory. Robin.
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. it’s on automatic. “What a nice name. who can resist it? But I want to stop. Robin. “I’ll come back for you then. “I don’t want the money. and I want you to arrest me with both hands when you see me. This one’s my parting gift. I was in a heightened state of something. it’s all very comfortable and attractive with the lights and the buzz and the waiters bringing you your coffee while you smoke and play. I like that name. I’m never going to stop. I just want to tell you. If I win. “Is that your card.

At six o’clock in the evening.” I said. Just take the money and go home. I could’ve been charitable and given it all away. I found Robin near the roulette tables. and said goodbye to the people who’d stood there with me. I got spin after spin. Take the fucking money and go.“Let them tell you.” He glanced at my card. I feel no pain. the money had dwindled all the way down to one hundred rand. and smiled. She wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing. God. and told him I was ready.” Finally.” “Give it to us if you don’t want it!” another woman said. I got a mixed bar. all the money was gone. The machine would’ve taken it all by then. “I’ll come and check on you in an hour. “If I were you. I had been in the casino for twelve hours. DON’T let me get a spin. Sixty-six. and didn’t want me to go. A truck full of angels couldn’t stop them now. I was still there. “Believe me. A few minutes later Robin reappeared with a woman in a maroon uniform.” But the machine had ears. I bought drinks for everyone with my points.” “Thanks. I turned to the woman next to me. I would take that money. Don’t ban yourself. Robin. Ninety. Forty-five. picked up my cigarettes. An old man standing next to me nodded his head sadly. they all knew that I was going to have myself banned. I took out my card. Her name was Maria. I felt enormous relief. They were on the first leg of their misery. and ten rand was added to my card. Make it half an hour. and disappeared behind a door. No! A crowd of people were standing with me now. who sat down and spoke to me. A few people stood with me as we watched it go down. and several combinations. “Good luck. but that wasn’t the point. Eighteen. Eighty-one. Please.
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. He walked with me to the office where newcomers were busy filling out forms for cards. At eight o’clock that evening. I had made my decision. Ma’am. lady. with three thousand rand on my card. Robin asked me to take a seat.

do the talking. David.”
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. We went through a side door. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thrown my cards out the window as I passed the Epping market. David took out a form that he said he had to read to me. They were highly suspicious of this woman with the black scarf. I couldn’t stop talking. waiting for some insane act.” She too. both in black uniforms. but I’ve also lost lots.” “What actually happens with a banning?” “We go into an interview room. David. We came to a room no bigger than a cell. One was big and menacing. “All right. I’ve had a grand time. I figured out later that Maria was there in case I broke down and tried to hurt myself. The big man stood at the door. “I bet the people who come into this room aren’t smiling. The room became my confession room. you can tell me now what I have to do. Maria sat next to me.” The big guy looked at me. “You’ll be photographed. with a desk and three chairs.” I said. David sat down behind the desk across from me. into the bowels of the casino. Two weeks later I’m back signing up for a new card. What was he waiting for? For me to burst out crying that I’d lost all my money? But it was my own behaviour I couldn’t forget afterwards. and you’ll be recorded. waiting. But this is my happiest day. and I have to be stopped. Security will explain it to you. We’ll have to wait here for security. Today’s the day it all comes to an end. I can’t stop. with a gun on his hip.” The big guy stood upright at the door. The big guy was there in case this was something other than a banning. I looked up towards the camera with a big grin. We’ll take your picture. where we passed through several more doors. They’ll take you through the whole procedure.“I’ve never been more sure of anything. “I bet they’re near ready to commit suicide. “Are you sure this is what you want to do?” David asked. We’re going somewhere else to do it.” The door opened and two men came out. And everything you say will be recorded. and asked me to follow them. Not a word or a smile. “Okay. He just looked at me. I turned away from the camera.” The big oke mumbled something into his mouthpiece. thought I was on some kind of drug. I’ve won lots of money. “I’m sure. He didn’t smile at all and let the other man. I could see. I don’t want to come back.

We take your card and your money. You guys should change the rules. “I want to read what is on this form to you. We just ask you to leave. you escort me out to the parking lot. He didn’t speak.” Maria and David got up also.” “Do you arrest the person when they come back?” “It’s a self-banning. David read the whole form to me. it must be recorded.” I looked up at the camera again and smiled. “Yes. “So once I sign and give you my cards. If you manage to get in. can’t come back. please.” The big guy was getting gatvol. I read it and signed. not even in the other areas.” “One year? Oh no. “Maria. Scratch that out.” he said. David. please. How can you beat this if you make it for one year? After one year you come back and start all over again? It’s a sick business. People who end up in this room. The big guy mumbled something into his walkie talkie. taking out a camera. I gave a bon voyage smile. and opened the door.
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.” He looked down at the form.” David said.” I got up.” she said. And don’t send me any vouchers.” he said. “We’ll take your card now. I opened my bag. or tickets for draws. we’ll ask you to leave. “The ban is for one year. After one year you can come back. His demeanor revealed that he didn’t know what to make of me. He was there to explain the rules. “Thanks. and give it to a charity of your choice. “I have to take your picture now.David was young. “Keep the other one.” I said. I’ve really had a grand time. “Can’t I just read it myself?” “No. He took the red one. Still.” He smiled sympathetically. “I don’t have that information.” he said. This is a great day for me. You’ll be trespassing. He glanced at David. “Very clever. I could see from his smile that he was in training. “You’ll need it to leave through the gate. It won’t be of any use to you after today. and took out the two cards. David placed the form in front of me. I stepped through and turned to Maria. Make it lifetime. You won’t be allowed on the premises. how many people have committed suicide as a result of gambling here – do you know?” Maria looked quickly at the big guy. the big guy played Boris Karloff.

I just wanted to know if there were any further developments. Van Schalkwyk came out. “he was just leaving. Thank you for saving me. “Wasn’t there a guy who blew out his brains in the parking lot just last week?” The ride home was euphoric. Yusuf was where he said he would be. “I didn’t want to go through with this. The minutes ticked by.” He went behind a partition into another room. I’ll call the insurance adjuster on Monday. I just wanted to know if you’ve heard anything. I was ready to come out with the whole thing. But the car wasn’t in any condition to be salvaged anyway. “You’re lucky.” He was interrupted by another policeman who told him that the call he’d been expecting had just come in. Van Schalkwyk excused himself and went back into the other room. he came out.” I braced myself. Another day would’ve been too late. “I just took a chance that you might still be here. Thank you. “Is Detective Van Schalkwyk on duty?” I asked a policeman at the counter. Never again. I was free.” I took the money and said goodbye.“Isn’t it three?” I asked. but you weren’t home. “Can we meet tomorrow morning at ten in front of the juice place?” I got up for faj’r the next day. There was no juice in the coffee shop this time. “It’s done now. Beeda. You know how it is with family. What a coincidence. Never. When I arrived home there was a note in my mailbox. but you weren’t home. It’s really difficult being without a car. There was one thing left yet for me to do. God had had his hand on my shoulder the whole time.” I wanted to fall down with relief. “Listen Detective.” I said. and started to speak before I could say anything. I just wanted to tell you. I promise. “Really?” “I’m sorry that I gave you any hope. . Thank you for another chance. . “Mrs Ariefdien. But there was something you wanted to tell me?” “I was in the area. I’m driving my son’s car.”
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. Finally.” he said. I called you. just do it. I just called you. I got back into my car and drove to Klipfontein Road and stopped at the Athlone Police Station. I wanted to tell you that the car we found wasn’t yours. Don’t think. there’s something . and thanked God on my prayer mat. Allah.” I said. I waited. “As I was saying to you.

So angry I hurt myself. Not many people get that. Beeda?” I didn’t want to go into a whole thing on what was right and fair. but Zulpha’s life would be greatly compromised. Imran didn’t want to disturb her. The time came when she was too tired to do even that.” “How did you do that?” “I’ll tell you another time. You don’t know what’s gone on with me. She was restless during the night. a gift he said he did not need at his age without a wife. hardly aware of who was there. He had watched Zulpha deteriorate and reject treatment in order to give this last gift to him. the child would be premature. I could write a book about the unfairness in my own life. Also. the mother is dying. When she was seven months pregnant.” “Are you going to say to me it’s a gift?” “Perhaps. the doctor told Imran that he didn’t think Zulpha would last the term of the pregnancy. An extension of Zulpha. and I understand.”
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. He could do a C-section and save the child. One afternoon. there’s a crib waiting. and only got up to go to the toilet. At that moment it’s the pain speaking to you. It’s not a punishment. The child is a gift. and in the other room. Zulpha started to become ill.” “You haven’t spoken to me. and spent more and more time in bed. Imran employed a woman called Gloria to look after her while he was at work. Toeghieda and I sat with him at her bedside. How is this right. I lost my son. But you’re angry now. I was very angry. Zulpha would drift in and out of sleep while her belly grew larger. She and Imran slept in different beds now.T
hree weeks after the mastectomy. a reproduction of your time together. She threw up. Imran was beside himself. “You mustn’t think you did anything wrong. “In that room. Imran and I were alone in the kitchen having tea. Zulpha spent the day sleeping. He was very depressed. You’ve not shared any part of your life with me. she didn’t keep down all her food.

She also bought her own kafan.” I cried all the way home. twenty years later? And why was I thinking such things when my sister was still breathing? The next day I arrived after Imran had already left for work and helped Gloria wash and change Zulpha. “Yes. And the man I’d wanted my whole life would be free. I won’t know what to do. sitting with my sister and spending time with her. leaning over her in the bed. and never would’ve fallen victim to something like gambling.” He was quiet for a while. The one needs the other right now to survive.
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. “My heart tells me I must save the child. But did I want him now. A baby or my wife. She had good days and bad days.” “Are you okay now?” “You have to be okay. She wouldn’t live to hold her own child. She was awake.” “Have you thought of a name if it’s a boy?” “Shafiq. “You bought some things for the baby. It was after lunch. She’s bought things for the baby. What did it matter this silly little life I’d had with all its ups and downs. cooking. “You will have to go through her linen cupboards.” He was quiet for another long time. We were all destined to die.” I put my hand on her belly. and stroked it.” I didn’t have any answers. more observant. But Zulpha had always been more practical. and things I’d thought were so important? It was insignificant when I compared it with my sister’s. “But saying yes to the baby is hastening her death.” “And if it’s a girl?” “Layla. I read or did some baking. You don’t forget. “You’re not saying anything. but one is destined to die.“That’s true. or other things I needed to do. It seems like such an unfair choice for me to make. but the pain gets less every day. I didn’t want to.” he said. Then he looked up at me.” he said. She was dying. “The doctor wants me to consider a C-section to save the baby. That day she seemed stronger and we spoke.” Even I hadn’t been brave enough to buy my own burial cloth. He sipped on his tea. “Imran asked me to look through your linen cupboards. When she slept. I had started to come every day during the week.” I said. “What can I say? It’s a big decision. She was different from me. taking charge of things. coming at last to the decision before him.” Her features softened as she tried to smile. Beeda.

Can you take these things from me and put it in the room where the crib is?” Gloria took an armful of baby things. It was my mother’s old jewelry box. and walked with it to the other room. I opened the box and put it inside.” I sat down on the edge of the bed. but couldn’t get myself to take anything out. and opened the one on the left. I picked up the small square and held it in my hand. It contained winter blankets and flannel sheets. It was stacked to the top with jumpers and sleepers and bonnets and bootees and shawls and everything imaginable for a baby. The folded square was still in my hand. The writing was faded. The jewelry box was still in my hand. and pulled up a chair to one of the cupboards. I folded up the letter and looked down at her. Not a sick person’s room. “Do you remember this?”
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. I lowered the wooden blinds a bit so she could sleep. I stepped onto the chair. I stood on my toes. and the room was modern and bright. There were three linen cupboards on top. and lifted out a string of brown beads. Gloria. I’d said no. The cupboard was half empty now. She was drifting off again.Her eyes closed. trying to peer into the back. I reached up and started to take them out. Gloria came into the room with a cup of tea. I looked around the bedroom. “Thanks. She came back and fetched this also. she was alive. Zulpha. She had woken up again and was looking up at me. I lifted up the lid. The middle cupboard contained curtaining. I was amazed by the amount of baby things she had accumulated. I reached in. I stepped down from the chair. linen sheets and duvet covers. Zulpha had changed the furniture and the drapes in the last year. You knew. I knew this was the cupboard in which to look for the kafan. The first thing I saw on top of some wooden beads and pearls and mismatched earrings. My heart lurched in my chest. There was a box there. you knew all the time. I opened it. and brought it out. “Beeda?” “Yes?” “What is that?” “It’s Mummy’s jewelry box. Why did I have to? My sister was here. but every word was as I remembered it. She might live longer than all of us. I looked into the third cupboard. and pillows. was a square of folded paper. towels. I took out another pile. I remember Zulpha asking me at the time of my mother’s death whether I wanted it. Oh God.

“And you were allowed to go with a boy to a matinée.” he said. “But I just wanted to see you. And suddenly I remembered many other things our mother had allowed me to do. She always let you have things. The memories came flooding back.” I smiled. was making the connection with my son. A basket next to it contained diapers.” “I’m managing. “Surgery’s scheduled for eight o’clock tomorrow morning. Remember?” I did. “Patrick!” “Mrs A. and you?” He looked sheepishly back at the car where someone was sitting in the passenger seat. “I wondered how you were.” he said.” she said.” I said. Seeing me. “I’ve just come from the doctor. I held him. Imran came home early.” he smiled. I saw immediately who it was.” My eyes misted up.” Patrick suddenly burst out crying.” “Yes. Patrick. “He’s a new cameraman.” “We used to fight over it. and cuddly toys. I held back my tears and sat with her until she was asleep. Remember?” She smiled. He looked around. glancing at his friend. and tissues. there was an old silver Mercedes in front of my door.
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. We didn’t speak again. Patrick. He missed him. Mummy would always let me have it.” He got out of the car and hugged me. It was hard in the beginning.” When I arrived home that evening. powder. I missed him.” I had forgotten that. and found me sitting in the baby’s room. but there was a contented look on her face. standing in the doorway. and not her. “You must look after Imran. “It’s Mummy’s necklace. She let you drive her car at sixteen. That’s not anyone new. “I know. Her eyes had closed again. “I won’t say I was in the neighbourhood. I looked at her now. Even my things. Do you think she had a favourite?” “Yes. “How are you?” “I’m fine.” “Who?” She turned her face to me. I knew what he meant. “I’ve thought about you. The crib was fitted with sheets and blankets. “You. “We have to go on living.She looked at the beads.

or the mother she’d left behind. “It was in a box in the cupboard.” His eyes brightened. a tiny little thing with a sharp nose and a tuft of black hair. I’m grateful to you. I didn’t tell my children about it. His handkerchief was damp. “Allah give him janaah.” I looked at it. Beeda. It doesn’t go away. I laughed and I cried.” I squeezed his hand and kissed him on the cheek. I went with Imran to fetch her.” We sat for a few minutes in silence.” I never saw Patrick again. Patrick. “You go well. but I called Braima. “Thank you for everything.” “That part about taking a girl to bioscope. does it?” “No. wasn’t it funny?” He laughed through his tears. “I found a diary. “I thought you might like to have it.” he said when he’d finished reading. Mrs A. I always liked them. What you did for Reza.” he continued. She spent her first week in her father’s home.” He took a small little brown book out of his shirt pocket. Braima was in my living room when he read the diary. Mrs A. Then her crib was moved to my house. Patrick. She didn’t know about the life she was starting.” “Me too.” Layla weighed in at two kilos. into the spare room. “How’s Zainap?” “The surgery was a success. and that was all right. and showed him. A few days after Zulpha’s hundred days had passed. “Yes. and Imran came every day to see her.” Patrick was a crier. I couldn’t speak.” he said.“I loved him. He made sobbing sounds. The mastectomy saved her life. “He was eighteen when he wrote it. I had to bring Kleenex. Patrick. Imran stood with
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. I liked your sisters. and held her in my arms. Do you and your friend want to come in for tea?” “Not today. I’m sorry about your sister. I took the diary from him. I’ll make rootie and lamb curry.” “I know. and spent her first four weeks in an incubator. and come and see me.” “Bye. I didn’t open the diary until many days later. Alhamdu lilah. “I miss him. and when I did. Patrick. “Thank you. Can I come and see you again?” “Of course you can.

” Rhoda added. Both of them came to see me. At last.” They looked at me. but I have the urge. The next day I called my two friends. I’m cured.” I cried into his neck. I had just finished my prayers. There are things you keep from your friends. and I did tell her.” “The urge?” Garaatie looked worried. It was evening. I’m happy now.” Garaatie said. while having tea one afternoon with my friends. I said to them.” Rhoda said. “Don’t worry.” “And you can’t go.” He put his hand in my hair. “that you had a thing for Imran. but one last thing I have to confess. “Well. “You banned yourself. and drew me close.” “You’re far from cured.” “That’s why I say. “We’ll do it right this time.” he said. and still had on my robe. I didn’t want my friends to have any kind of feeling about it. but left out the part about finding the letter in Zulpha’s jewelry box.” I looked at Garaatie. and have the life I’ve always wanted. I don’t know if it’s bad. Garaatie?” Rhoda took off her scarf and threw it over the back of the couch. The three of us took Layla bundled up like a babushka to Kirstenbosch Gardens in my new maroon Mercedes and had lunch under the trees.”
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. He took off my scarf. Beeda?” I came into his arms. I told the whole story.me at the crib in the nursery where I had just put Layla down to sleep. I told them the news. “My Slamse meit. “Should I tell her. I never told Imran about the letter either. I was safe. “Ons gaan nie weer nie. “This sounds like you want to do something bad. Rhoda. After maghrib? Just the imam and the family. “I feel like a James Bond adventure. Remember?” We laughed like old times.” “Yes.” Rhoda said. “We’ll wait. “I had no idea. “What do you mean should you tell her? You mean Garaatie knows and I don’t?” “You were on a ten-thousand rand sabbatical. “Will you marry me. an adventure.” “How long?” “Saturday’s in two days. but there are even more things you keep from the man you love. I felt his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t tell me you want to go to the casino?” I laughed. Look what happened. About six months after my marriage.

“In the James Bond movies it never happens like this. Then something about the security guy in the black suit talking into a walkie talkie a few feet away. Is it you taking off the scarf? I just want that old thrill again. It’s not like before. ya Allah. “You’re lucky!” “I don’t want to play any more. Garaatie and Rhoda accompanied me to the cashier. Two of the machines were available. “Ya Allah!” Rhoda exclaimed. The machines must’ve missed my touch. We waited. are we on the road again? And off we went to Auntie with Layla in the car. “I promise you. caught my eye. I stood talking with my friends. He had a nice smile. “Just hang on a minute. We talked. “I know. walking over to someone on the other side. . I just want to see if I can get away with it. The cashier asked for my I.” Garaatie said.” I turned to the guy.” Garaatie said. and Garaatie and I sat down.”
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. I noticed his white teeth.” she said. I handed in the cheque.” “O. “Mrs Ariefdien?” I turned to my friends. It had never taken this long to get a cheque cashed. when I got a combination and won eighteen hundred rand. Let’s just wait for the cheque. I don’t like this. She checked it on the computer. And I knew. I saw him coming towards me. I gave her my identity document.” “Disguise?” Garaatie exclaimed. I’ll go in disguise.D. and checked the computer to see which ones hadn’t paid. you’ve been a naughty girl. We arrived at the casino and bought cards. You’ll take your scarf off to go into a casino?” “You guys are no fun. I led them straight to the wheel of gold machines. let’s see if they do. “Are you coming to tell me I shouldn’t be here?” He smiled. for I had hardly played out forty rand. “What if they spot you?” “Well. “We just got here. Is ons nou weer op pad?” O God. What kind of disguise?” “I’ll take the scarf off. “You already have a scarf on your head. and go to a movie.The two of them looked at one another.” “Ya Allah. We wouldn’t play more than a hundred rand each.” I said. dropping her off first at Toeghieda’s house for the afternoon.” The attendant arrived with a cheque and asked me to fill in my name. “Mrs Ariefdien . .” “You haven’t been there for months.