Category: Breaking And Entering

I have the worse locks on the face of the planet for all my doors did I tell you I had the master key to my building? Oh yeah so evidentially for some odd reason I just took a chance and used the front door to my apartment key on the front lobby door and it worked. Yeah. So, then I tried it again, again, and again. It worked for both doors I was like “what the fuck??!!!” Then providence stuck me with an idea: try out the back door.

Guess what? It worked there as well. Therefore, anyone with one of these keys, any one of my neighbors who wants to steal my 52-inch Television or wear my undies, smell my socks or jerk off on my bed can just walk in and do so. I told one of the property managers and he blew it off like “its Oak Park, IL not that bad an area” shit. Hence the chance of some dude wiping his ass with my toothbrush and putting it back so I can use it later is something no freak on earth ever thought of.

Hell, it means if this individual is sick enough they could come in at night and ram a cock in my ass, add on to that the idiotic police force here would say “it’s no evidence of breaking and entering” and “humor” me and my jacked-up asshole until they got done with their shift. All because someone had a master key. But I am the one with the key and I can go into any apartment I want and use their didoes in my ass if I wanted or their toothbrushes, eat their food, wipe my ass on their pillows to using mace on their commonly touched surfaces. Yeah if I was some crazy ass freak that is why I told the management staff to get me another key. I do not want to be the person who has a master key if there IS something that goes down at the apartment complex.

Shit, we have all watched enough Datelines on NBC to know I would be the easy suspect, my ass is too pretty for prison, literally. It took a lot to get the management company to change the locks and give me a different key like what the fuck But I got it done just took a couple of weeks. Weeks people, so much for security and having a lease that states the management company is “maintaining” the property as it should.

The lesson here is if you move to an apartment here in Oak Park, IL with Oak Park apartments i.e.: Green Plan Management, make sure you check the locks and have them change the locks before you MOVE IN. Who knows maybe even the old tenant has their old keys to your new place and could come by to visit you for lunch, while you are at work… that is if your neighbors don’t have a master key of their own and are already eating all your fucking lunch ables as you read this.