Dear Lifehacker,
Birds have crapped on me, I've stepped in dog poop, I've fallen in the mud, and that's just the beginning. I realize that sometimes life happens, but what I hate more than a moment of grossness is cleaning it all up. What are the best and most efficient ways to get crap off of me when it's really set on sticking around?

Sincerely,
Crapped Out

Dear CO,
I'm sorry you've had to put up with so much crap throughout your life. You truly have my sympathies, and likely the sympathies of the world over. But I have good news! There are easier, less degrading methods for removing poop, gum, and other fun substances from yourself and your apparel. Let's take a look at the most common.

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Dog Poop on Your Shoe

Mushy, sticky dog poop finds its way into the treads of your shoes and makes a home. You can scrub for hours with little assurance that you've successfully removed it all. You may give up, in a moment of hopelessness, and just put that shoe back on, forgetting a little each day that tiny pieces of dog crap are still hiding in your treads. "Eventually dirt will cover it up," you'll say, but you'll always know the truth.

Scrubbing just isn't effective because you'd need the world's tiniest brush and a microscope to really get in there. On top of that, it's a slow and tedious method. Here's a better one:

Stick your shoe in a plastic bag and toss it in the freezer for several hours.

Come back later, grab a pencil, take the show outside, and use it to pick that frozen dog doo out of your shoe's treads. Because the poop is less of a mushy substance and more like an ice cube, it won't stick to the rubber. You'll be able to get it out easily and go on with your day.

If you want to really clean the shoe thoroughly, get yourself a toothbrush specifically for this occasion and brush the bottom of the shoe with soapy water. The tiny bristles well help remove any residue.

When you're done, spray the bottom of the show with a stream of water and let it dry. (The truly paranoid with non-leather shoes can toss them in the washing machine, too.)

This method will take a full day by the time you finish, so you won't have a shoe for a little while, but it offers to very important advantages: it requires minimal effort and very little contact with the actual poop. Plus, it works for gum, too!

Bird Poop on Your Clothing

Birds love to poop, and they don't care where it lands. A friend of mine was pumping gas one day, under the supposed safety of an awning, and a bird flew down from the sky, into the gas station area, and crapped on her face and shirt. Even when it's happened to us before, we experience a moment of shock and confusion. "I couldn't possibly have been pooped on," we think. "Who would do such a thing?" And then we remember the birds. Reality sets in. It's time to make a choice.

Most often, that choice is to scream, grab a paper towel, and try to wipe it off as quickly as possible. If the poop is on your skin, go for it. If it landed on an article of clothing, however, don't. Because bird crap offers a lovely, liquid consistency, brushing it off of any clothing will smear it right into the fabric. You might win the battle, but you certainly won't win the war. Instead, do this:

Find somewhere private to remove your clothing.

Grab a gentle, color-safe spray cleaner if you've got one. If not, detergent will work. If you're completely bereft of soap, find some seltzer water to help lift the stain.

Let your clothing dry. You can expedite the process with extreme temperatures, either using your freezer or a hair drier, but doing so can cause problems. Freezing can solidify your soap, making everything tougher to remove, and high heat can cause a poop stain to set into the fabric. For these reasons, room temperature is ideal.

After several hours, wash the poop off outside with a hose (if you've got one, otherwise just do it carefully in the sink).

Use a washer and drier to finish the job.

If the mess is dealt with quickly, you'll save yourself a stain and do fairly little work. I can't promise you won't need counseling for the trauma, though, depending on where the bird poop landing. Most of us are lucky to only get the stuff on our skin, clothing, or in our hair. Some of us are less fortunate, however, and wind up with crap in our eyes and mouths. Aside from this being extremely disgusting, there's also some concern of contracting illness. If poop lands in your mouth and you don't inadvertently swallow it, gargling with mouthwash should do the trick. Your eyes, however, are a pathway to the bloodstream. I probably don't need to tell you that introducing poop into your blood is bad for business. While you'll likely be just fine, if you get poop in your eye and you're feeling ill afterwards (aside from the inherent nausea of the experience), don't hesitate to see a physician.

Gum in Your Hair

Nothing says style like a wad of chewing gum in your hair, but removing such a bold fashion statement isn't fun. Panicked logic says "grab the freakin' scissors and cut it out of me!" but that's a rather destructive method. Although it seems like chewing gum bonds with your hair forever, that's more of a romantic statement than a reality. The stuff is actually really easy to remove with a few simple tricks.

We've previously noted that softened butter, WD-40, and gasoline (really?) can all do the trick. What do these substances have in common? They're pretty slick and oily. Basically, most anything with those characteristics will loosen chewing gum from your hair. Even peanut butter can work. To get it out with the grease of your choice, follow these steps:

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Apply your softened butter (or whatever) liberally around the chewing gum and some of the surrounding hair.

Massage the gum very gently with the substance.

Get a grip on the hair below the area where the chewing gum attached and slowly slide the gum right off.

Wash your hair, unless you or your significant other enjoy the scent of butter (or whatever you used).

Gum, unlike poop, is an easily resolvable problem with products you already own. At the time the situation may seem dire, but getting gum out of your hair takes very little work.

Life's Various Other Stains

Few stains are equal. When you get crap on you, whether that's literal or figurative, the cleaning method varies. We can't get into them all, but we can point you to some additional resources to help you out: