How To Tell If You’re Watching A Bad Nicolas Cage Movie

In any given year 300 or so movies will be released into theaters. And on average, roughly 47 of them will star Nicolas Cage. With so many kooky, Cage-alicious movies to choose from it can be hard to tell which are worth your time and which would be best viewed on TNT, muted, and in the background while you work on your computer, many, many years after its release. With a new Nicolas Cage movie due out next week (Ghost Rider), I figured the time was right to release this handy guide to determine the quality of Nic Cage’s movies.

So, if you’re watching a Nicolas Cage movie or considering watching a Nicolas Cage movie, and can’t quite decide if it’s bad or not, these 21 sure-fire red flags will make your decision for you (unless you’re watching The Wicker Man. Then you don’t need red flags, because it just sucks.)

(Ed. Note: I do like Nicolas Cage and his movies. I just don’t like some of them. Please bare that in mind.)

- If Nic’s hair is longer than four inches, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

- If Nic is mumbling his dialogue in an accent other than his own, you are probably watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

- If you turn on a Nicolas Cage movie and you notice Rosie Perez’s name is in the credits, you should probably watch something else. Otherwise you’re just gonna sit through a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

- If Nicolas Cage is playing a musical instrument of some kind, let’s say a Mandolin for example, then you are watching a WAY bad Nicolas Cage movie.

- If at any point during the movie you hear this phrase: “Put the bunny down”, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. Don’t be fooled, this isn’t meant to be hip, ironic or in on the joke of its own badness. It’s just bad. Walk away.

- If Samuel L. Jackson is prominently involved in any way, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

- If you’re watching a Nicolas Cage action movie and notice that John Cusack is playing his sidekick, only he’s wearing fucking sandals instead of shoes like a normal person, because he’s pretentious and rebelling against the iron fist of creativity held by the major studios who make this crap (the same major studios who happen to be paying him millions of dollars to be in said crap, by the way), yet the fact that someone wearing fucking sandals instead of shoes (especially Lloyd freaking Dobler) can not ride a motorcycle, climb on top of a moving fire truck or help dispatch an uber-violent John Malkovich doesn’t give you pause, then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. And are also mentally retarded.

- Do you like watching snuff films? Then why would you want to watch Nicolas Cage watch a snuff film? Put the bad Nicolas Cage snuff film DOWN!

- If his role requires him to have any muscle tone, for whatever reason, press stop on the DVD player and go watch some Family Guy reruns, because you’re watching a shitty Nicolas Cage movie.

- If even the sight of a blonde, dreadlocked, lips-to-11 Angelina Jolie can’t distract you from how boring, clunky, unfunny and out and out awful Gone in 60 Seconds really is (especially when Nic is getting chased by Master P. Like, huh? And also, shut up Giovanni Ribisi!), then it’s a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

- Do not be fooled by the credit “Directed by Martin Scorsese”, you are still watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. Turn it off and go watch The Departed instead.

- If Nicolas Cage is punching guys out, using double guns in slo-motion, blowing shit up and generally acting like a reject from Rambo-land, but the movie is NOT directed by Michael Bay, then why are you wasting your time? It’s just a bad Nicolas Cage action movie.

- Oh, hello Helen Hunt, good to see you. And what are you up to today? Appearing in a Nicolas Cage movie? Well, that’ll be bad then, won’t it? Don’t forget to powder the eight-head before your close-up. Wouldn’t want to blind the camera guy, now would we?

- If the director was stupid enough to let Nicolas Cage go blindly improvising into the night (Snake Eyes, I’m looking right at you), then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

- If you’re watching any Nicolas Cage movie where he’s wearing army fatigues, immediately get up, go down to the local army recruitment center and apologize for what you’ve done. Not only were you watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie, you were also taking a metaphorical dump on the U.S. military.

- If the Nicolas Cage movie you have on has the word “Man” in the title there’s a better than average chance you’re walking away disappointed. So make sure you either really like Tea Leoni (fat chance), have a soft spot for Wicker and/or Weather (Michael Caine softens the latter one), or are in the dire need of a Sam Rockwell fix (and really, who isn’t?), before proceeding with the watching.

- If Nicolas Cage is playing the brothers of Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz, well then… do I even need to say it?

- If the movie is a crappy remake of a crappy horror movie that nobody even liked in the first place, then you’re watching a crappy Nicolas Cage movie (another red flag: the involvement of Leelee Sobieski in said crappy remake).

- If you’re watching the trailer for the new Nicolas Cage superhero movie and find yourself thinking “Nicolas Cage, really? Was Ben Affleck not available?” and don’t immediately freak out that you’ve chosen Ben Affleck over Nicolas Cage, then don’t bother with Ghost Rider. Seriously. Save your money. Catch up on your TiVo. Go see one of the Academy Award movies (other than Babel). Hell, just go back and re-watch Daredevil. At least that superhero flick had a drunk out of his mind Colin Farrell walking around being bald, psychotic, and killing random bar assholes with toothpicks (not to mention an in-her-prime Jen Garner and a cameo by Coolio). And even Ben Affleck as a blind lawyer / red-leathered crime fighter isn’t nearly as ludicrous as Nicolas Cage playing a 45 year-old motorcycle stunt man who makes a deal with the devil to turn into a burning skull of fury (literally) and fight evil (played by Wes Bentley. Yes, that Wes Bentley, the plastic bag kid from American Beauty. I’m not even kidding. That’s the bad guy. Apparently Elijah Wood wanted too much money.). Yikes, is this moviegonna be bad, or what!

- Basically, if Nicolas Cage isn’t drunk, overweight, moony, exceedingly eccentric in a particular way (like, say, he steals babies for Holly Hunter), or bantering with Sean Connery, then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

Thus endeth the lesson.

If you use these signs to determine if you’re watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie, you’ll never go wrong. And you’ll save money. Just another service we provide here at TheJay.com. Helping audiences avoid bad Nicolas Cage movies at all costs.

105 Comments

I think we all need to take a moment and thank our lucky stars that he could not convince the bigwigs over at Warner Bothers to let him play Superman…I mean really Nicolas Cage? You think you could be Superman? Could you imagine the lineage? George Reeve, Christopher Reeves, Dean Cain, Tom Welling, Nicolas Cage? Sheesh.

Also…am I wrong or should they have cast the guy who plays Sylar in Heroes as the new Clark Kent instead of Brandon whathisname? The first time we actually saw Sylar’s face, fiance and I said simultaneously…”that guy should be superman!”

You forget, he did convince them. Tim Burton cast him in the role, he signed the pay or play deal and was at the point of costume fittings when the production was shut down. And the best part is that he still got paid! Nic got $10 million for trying on some blue tights. This guy is a freaking genius businessman.

I usually determine if I’m going to see a movie based on whether or not Nic Cage is in it. If he’s in it I’m not seeing it. Blech, I can’t stand him. He may be a good business man, but he’s a bad actor and unattractive…great as usual, Jay.

Funny tlaking about bad movies and then saying you should watch Family Guy instead. PErsonally, I prefer my comedy programs to have actual JOKES, rather that just random pop culture references thorwn in. But that is just me..I have an attetnion span, AND an IQ of over 90.

As far as Superman…it wasn’t that he couldn’t convince the stdio to use hium. They wanted him. That is why he still got paid his ENTIRE salary for the movie despite not doing anything. Had they made a script, he would have been Superman.

I’m pretty sure that we can all agree Nic Cage is still a better actor than actors like Keanu Reeves. I mean at least Cage can do accents and actually come off as an ass-kicker. I’m not saying he’s a Jim Carrey or a Johnny Depp however. Just that he’s not the worst of the worst.

you know you had some good points and then you runined it by actually suggesting that daredevil should be viewed by anyone ever. of course the both of us have obviously seen it but i would never wish that on anyone having seen it myself. it shames me that i actually paid money to see that refuse.

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I don’t know when I first began to hate Nicolas Cage but it was probably after the first time I saw him in a film. Why I can hate someone I’ve never meet so much is quite a weird feeling. But I can’t help thinking of other much better, much more talented and much more deserving actors who could play the same parts much better.

The point when my hatred became rage was when I discovered that his real name is Nicolas Coppola and … you’ve guessed it he’s the Nephew of director Francis Ford Coppola. I have nothing against Francis Ford Coppola; he’s earned his position in life, hats off to F.F.C. No, my rage is due to Nepotism. Now everyone deserves a break in life don’t get me wrong if Nic Cage used his contacts to get into the film industry then who can blame him- who wouldn’t? But surely after him first movie (incidentally- Fast Times at Ridgemont High) the audience would have said, “Who’s this crap merchant, he can’t act! “and he would never work again. But no, his career has gone from strength to strength!! WHY!!! WHY!!! Who goes to see a Nicolas cage movie? I’ve spent the last 20 years trying to avoid seeing one, let alone paying to see one, hoping that if his films fail to make money at the box office then he will no longer get to make MORE!!!!

He CAN’T act!!! Why can’t people see through him, the mumbling, the ‘shouty’ acting, the inability to suspend your disbelief…and the HAIR, don’t get me started on the Hair. Hollywood is famous for special effects, and yet why can’t anyone make a decent wig for the cage?? Or is it his acting is so bad he can’t even convince us it’s ‘his hair’.

Just looked up his profile and DEAR GOD he’s quoted- http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000115/bio Only Great men should be quoted people. What does this theatrical sage have to give us? “I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.”

‘A shark’- is that because you prey on defenceless scripts, rip them to shreds and leave a trail of shock-horror, innards and confounded spectators??

‘A heat-seeking panther’? Not a pink Panther? a panther that’s pink? Not an actor who can actually act without the audience sniggering?

‘I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion’- Not a ginger shit purveyor with a cod Italian accent playing the mandolin?, because that would also make sense, right?

Raising arizona was an incredibly great movie, as nearly all movies by the coen brothers are. The rock was a highly entertaining movie…his performances in adaptation and leaving las vegas make up for all the crappy movies hes done.

I’m confused. Where does Fire Birds fit in here? I’ve been itching to get that movie and I just don’t know with these rules. I mean screw the Oscar contenders and all those other great films out there, I just want to get my hands on goddamn Fire Birds.

Cage is fantastic in Adaptation. fantastic. No ego and a real understanding of the character and the heart of the movie. It’s fascinating really, cause most of the time he really fucking sucks. or maybe it was all egomaniacal
oscar baiting. who knows. i dont know the man, maybe he’s a sweetheart.

There’s something about Cage that drives me nuts. How can a nerd like him be a “tough guy?” He just doesn’t fit the part. When he was that secret service dude, wearing those dumb sunglasses, and talking tough……like fur shure. And Ben Stiller funny??? Let’s not go there.

you all need to think for a minute, all people have different tastes in movies and its not like any of you people could act better than him or any of the others you mentioned. if you dont like the movie or whos in it dont watch it. simple as that.

To Cage Rage: it’s not nepotism. Cage didn’t want any special breaks because of his family, that’s why he went by “Cage.” He wanted to be an actor but he refused any help from his Hollywood royalty family; he wanted to do it on his own.

If it were nepotism, we’d have seen him in starring roles off the bat. And he wouldn’t have changed his last name.

He was in a lot of movies that didn’t even give him speaking lines, he was just a blurred dude in the background.

Some of his movies are good, but he isn’t a great actor. His movies are generally generic action type movies, I think the male version of chick flicks…. even though most of his fans are probably women anyway.

You are a complete jackass. You list a number of his movies which are great as ‘bad’ according to you… and who are you again? Oh nobody, nobodies should get use to get used to keeping their stupid fucking mouths shut about fantastic people they can never aspire to be. Your clearly a retard and probably severly ugly to the point people will tell you, you have a disability so im sure its not all your fault. But seriously dude, get a life! Because Cage shits all over you!!!!

I sort of like Nic Cage (will have to research again to remember why) but my issue with Ghost Rider was Nic constantly TRYING to channel Elvis in dialogue, gestures (finger pointing) and over all manner.

“Wow thats the most pretentious peice of crap ive read in years and im a stephen king fan”

Thank you caller #9! I don’t have any feeling one way or another about NC, but I was absolutely fascinated by the writer’s ability to take what could have been a “cute” piece, and turn it into an ongoing diatribe. The more I read, it seemed like I was watching a car crash in slow motion.

It takes talent to write humorous copy. Leave it to the professionals.

I love Nicolas Cage and honestly he is a good actor. The movies he does aren’t necessarily written BY him but heck if they want him to play the part IT ALL PAYS the SAME! He does the best he can I am sure. I loved THE ROCK, CON AIR and many of the movies he’s made. So JAY thanks but NO thanks…. I’ll waste my time if I so want and watch whatever amuses ME.
What do you have to say about KEANU??? NEO now thats a great (COUGH COUGH) charactor!! HAHA

Many people have argued that Nicholas Cage is the worst actor in history, but I happen to think that’s terribly unfair. He certainly is the worst in the history of the film medium and quite likely the worst in thousands of years, but who knows what abominable performances there may have been in the distant past—for example– during the original productions of Sophocle’s tragedies back in Greece in 480 BC or so. Theoretically, there could have been someone worse, so it’s really not clear the Cage is the worst ever.

Among females, of course,I don’t think there is any argument—Jessica Simpson is the absolute worst of all time. Sure, she has a nice figure and is winsome in a toothy, rodentish way, but an actress? Hahahahahahahaha.

Thank You
Thank You
I thought I was just one of a few who thought Nicholas Cage was a less than actor. Every since Sean Penn: Dead Man Walking for an Oscar. I see no good actor skills on Nicholas and just wonder constantly how he gets these parts.

Fuck this list and the horse it rode in on. Bringing Out the Dead is five thousand times better than The Departed. That movie, Raising Arizona and Wild at Heart are brilliant, and if you like The Rock you immediatley lose the privelige of talking about any movies ever again.

I think he’s actually a decent actor, but he has an incredible knack for picking bad movies
that still make money so he gets to make more bad movies that make money, etc. I think he made better movies before he somehow became a big star.

I liked Face Off, Wild At Heart,Red Rock West and Raising Arizona.

Con Air, Snake Eyes,and Lords Of War are among the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

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I liked your comments on the bad acting by Nicholas cage (by the way what a great title for a new reality show),anyway I thought I should let you know that I cant watch any of his films anymore as I was once rushed into hospital suffering from an undiagnosed and unique illness…..this is how it happened, I was just sitting down and watching con air when about half way through the film I started to itch quite badley,as i did this I realised that I was getting splinters from the television set……and thats my point no matter what film you watch with Nicholas cage you will always get splinters because his acting is as wooden as heather McCartney’s leg as i told him last week whilst he was filming national treasure 2 in greenwich park, which by the way i found it very hard to find him in this heavily wood park.

Loved Ghost Rider…saw it TWICE.
Sequel is set up. Peter Fonda of “Easy Rider” and “Blue Hell’s Angels” fame, “I’ll Have the Last Laugh” was great…he has a certain demonic Democrat presence.
Kind of like Hillary channeling Elonore Roosevelt and having paraphenalia on her witchy Winter Solice Tree substitution and eliminating an in the White House Christmas tree.

My Buddy and I were with our ladies one night and Good ol’ Nick came up in conversation. I tried to be polite but my buddy set me straight. He said, “I fucking hate Nick Cage, no… Mdog you are my friend so now… WE fucking hate Nick Cage!”

Then it hit me… I really do dislike Nick Cage.

Turns out I now have found a real support group for people who hate Nick Cage.

Girls seem to like his movies. Not because Nick Cage is anything good at all, but because girls seem to like shitty movies, and have no sense.

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seriously.. his accent is so bad. After watching ghost rider. I couldnt stop imitating him.

He is so dull and has little personality or life to him, and he thinks he can act as a daredevil.. ohhh dear.

lol or wicker man.. or any movie he does.. we laugh our ass off.. at his pathetic attempts to act.. its like watching a retard try to tie his shoes or work a blender.Or probably most accurate tie his shoes while attempting to work a blender.. we can all imagine whats going to happen there.

At one point, Nicolas Cage’s career was relatively even with hits and misses. Lately, it seems like the misses are getting more and more abundant…such a shame. His career is a charred shell of what it used to be. How’d it get burned, man, how’d it get burned?

Well you say that he will be in 47 of 300 films made each year and he makes heaps of money every year. So he must be doing something good.
If you hate Nicolas Cage n his movies so much why go to the trouble of watching all them and then after having not liked them, go and write all that saying you didn’t like them. Wouldn’t you think you would have thought after a few movies with him in it that you don’t like ‘hmm maybe i shouldnt bother watching anymore i didnt like the others’ Seems to me like you must be quite the Nicolas Cage fan, I mean if you watched all those movies and took the time to comment on them.
Looks like your just jealous. Jealous that you couldnt do all the things that he ha done. Jealous that hes a better actor than you could ever be. Jealous that he makes more oney than you because of that.
I also want to add that yes Nicolas Cage is my favourite actor, and yes i have enjoyed every movies i have seen with him in it. Ghost Rider is one of the best movies i’ve seen in a long while and i watch it over and over again, and will continue to do so. I will watch every movie he brings out and love it, partly because i will know that every movie he makes will annoy you simply because he is in it and will continue to be in many more because he is a good actor…

Nick cage as ghost rider I felt like i’d been punched in the gut. I used to love ghost rider comics he was a total badass and to get ol two face castor troy to play him swing and a miss he’s about as scary as a gay guy on a vespa

Look butthead i’m trying to be nice but you have crossed the line…you wouldn”t know a good movie if it bit you in the a…nick is a great actor that gets into the characters that he protrays he takes time to learn about how they would be if he were really them….learn about nick before you put him down….you don’t know anything about movies..good or bad..and if by any chance you took some kind of class or course on being a pro at rating movies…then you should go back and find the smuck that you gave the money to and kick his a!!!!!

He’s hands down the most ridiculous superstar ever. He doesn’t deserve a penny for his shit acting yet he appears in hundreds movies. Why? Cuz all these fucking stupid girls go to see his crap. It’s their fault. No wonder they say women have shit for brains.

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All of you are wieners!! Shut the hell up unless you’ve starred in a film. He’s obviously knows how to act if he’s getting a lot of roles and noones forcing you to go see his movies, so stop bitching. Go watch some other movie then.

This is the only way I can explain how poor Nick Cage is at acting: Imagine a kid who can’t make the Junior Varsity Basketball team in High School. They don’t even put him when they are up by 40 pts with 2 minutes left. But somehow, this kid gets in to the NBA and goes to the All Star Game. This is the only way I can try to illustrate just how out of place an actor of Cage’s quality is in Hollywood. I just think the fact that they let him in movies is bewildering! He can’t deliver one line well. It actually sounds like he is trying to do an imitation of a terrible actor just to make fun of someone. Strange!
Please quit acting Nick, I can’t even handle your movie commercials that occasionally invade my TV, unless of course you don’t say anything in the ad.