My daughter has been showing frequent signs of masturbating. I don't encourage it, but I don't say its bad. Whenever she would have a full blatter she would go to her room and squeeze her legs together. She says it tickles and feels good. Im trying to tell her it may feel good, but that it could hurt her and give her blatter problems. She doesn't seem to care though. She was caught before bedtime last night where I was checking up on her a hour after I said goodnight and saw her masturbating! I threw open the door and startled her but she just hid under the covers. I decided to leave her alone after that, to let my anger wash out. My daughter has been ignoring me and wakes up by herself now for school so she doesn't have to face me. Of emberasment or punishment, I would say. I want to talk to her and say that masturbating is normal and happened to me, but then I discovered that a few people from school saw her doing it in the girls bathroom with the stall door open (I guess she thought everyone was in class) and now she is getting "Ew's!" From other kids when they see her. The next day I saw her masturbating again and decided to actually talk. It didn't work out so well. Since I didn't know much about masturbating I only talked to her about emberassment and why she does it. The first thing she said was, "Its because theres so much stress in school that I want to relieve it by squeezing my legs. It feels good." Well, now Im seeing that a few other boys in her classroom are winking at her when she comes out of school for me to pick her up. Is her masturbation HOT to boys? Obviously, the kids in her classroom act like 17 year olds! I even heard a story or rumour of a boy kissing a girl (one of my daughters friends) And I need help for the next talk! How should I do it this time?

cdad

Oct 10, 2010, 05:54 PM

Your in a tough place because you don't want to shatter her world but she needs to be protected from herself.
Im sure you remember the talk you must have had when she was little about body parts and stranger danger. This is going to be along the same line.

Seek as much information as you can about it before approaching her and be prepared to answer questions beyond "mommy says so".

Try to put it into her words and not too adult so it goes over her head. Also just because you can doesn't mean you do. Like eating chocolate.

Good luck.

Fr_Chuck

Oct 10, 2010, 05:56 PM

Well her masturbation would only be "hot" to the boys if they were watching it. How would they even know about it.
And how much sex education has she had up to this point on birth control and intercourse. It is fairly common for girls as young as 12 ( and younger) to be having sex. So rumours of girls kissing a boy, sure it has a lot more than kissing and most likely true.

Next most kids start masturbation at some point, and at some point a parent knocks on the door before opening it.
If she is doing it every once and a while and in private I see no issue there, I do see an issue if she is not fully aware of sex and what happens

Wondergirl

Oct 10, 2010, 06:02 PM

Do you think she is getting a thrill from masturbating when someone can see her, as when she left the bathroom stall door open?

mollytheparent

Oct 11, 2010, 10:45 AM

To all of your answers, the bathroom is both boys and girls. Our money is tight and we can't afford those schools with two bathrooms for each gender. And I don't think she's getting a thrill at all. She's been crying about how emberassed she was. Im still confused on what to tell her!

Jake2008

Oct 11, 2010, 11:22 AM

Your behaviour is angry and punitive, and trying to embarrass her, or punish her is, in my opinion, doing more harm than good.

I have never heard of masturbation causing a bladder infection, but maybe it does in rare instances.

When I became aware of my children doing the same, I told them that it is perfectly fine, nothing to be ashamed about, and it is not bad. I only insisted that should they wish to do so, it must be done in the privacy of their own rooms, with the door closed.

That you have chosen to make an issue out of it, is probably why she is doing it elsewhere, i.e. school. And the consequences for her, because of your attitude, continue to mount.

Likely more kids aren't masturbating at school, because they know it is a private matter, in their own bedrooms, with the door closed. I really feel sorry for your daughter because no doubt the rumours and talk have spread to the parents of the kids at school, and if you don't change your direction here, the next thing will be the Principal calling to find out why parents are complaining to him!

I'm not judging you, I'm judging your direction to your daughter, about the simple, nataural act of masturbation. It is a part of growing up, and the more you try to 'correct' her, the more she is going to do it. She says it is to reduce stress, and you are only adding to the stress.

You might want to research masturbation and 9 year olds, or speak to your family Doctor about your concerns, or a child development expert, or even other parents of young children, to see and gain other perspectives on how to handle this in order to set your mind at ease.

slapshot_oi

Oct 11, 2010, 12:09 PM

So we learned that some kids figure out how to masturbate younger than you'd like them to. Life happens, Molly.

I have a question: why is a 9-year old stressed at school?

Just_Another_Lemming

Oct 11, 2010, 03:12 PM

Molly, now that you are over the shock, know that you aren't alone. Here is some info that might help you (there is a book recommendation in her response that you might want to pick up):Expert Parenting Advice from Jan Faull, MEd: "I Caught My Tween Masturbating" (http://www.parents.com/kids/development/puberty/masturbating/)

You might want to read this one as well: Amazon.com: How to Talk to Your Child About Sex: It's Best to Start Early, but It's Never Too Late -- A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents (9781582380575): Linda Eyre, Richard Eyre: Books (http://www.amazon.com/Talk-Child-About-Step-Step/dp/1582380570)