I'm a wife, mother and step-mother. It took over 10 years and many procedures but we finally have our miracle.

Monday, April 28, 2014

The First Few Days of Motherhood - Part 2

Staying in the hospital was
like a dream.And I don’t mean like a
fantasy…I mean like a dream that I experienced but that didn’t really
happen.There’s so many things about the
early days of motherhood that seemed unreal to me.I found myself not asking questions when I
should and listening hollowly as medical professionals spoke to me.I don’t know if it was just the sheer shock
of having an actual baby or if it was the result of the chaos that ensued
around us.When I say “chaos” I don’t
mean that things got really crazy and out of hand but in my world and my mind
things were definitely not going the way I thought they would so it felt very chaotic to me.

I was anxious for the nurse
to come and get Baby Girl and take her to the nursery so that she could be
checked out by her pediatrician.I ate
breakfast and kept attempting to nurse my little bundle.The nurses had been in throughout the night
giving me pain meds and taking both of our vitals.Those visits on top of trying to feed the
baby did not provide me with much sleep.Thank goodness for adrenaline.

They took the baby and we
waited.While we were waiting they
FINALLY brought me a pump and showed me how to use it.They said that they could take whatever
little amounts I got out with a syringe and feed it to the baby.I was happy since it was now 24 hours after I
had given birth and we still could not get a good latch on my left side.The Lactation Consultant (I’m calling her
Betty) came in and we chatted for a few minutes and then she said she’d come
back once the baby was in the room again so we could practice latching and
holding techniques.

We were informed that Baby
Girl was still having temperature issues so they kept her even longer.I pumped and waited…and waited…and
waited.Finally the pediatrician came in
and started talking to us.It was the
same guy I went to see when we thought there was a problem with BG’s head.I wasn’t sure I wanted to trust him.He started out the conversation like this:

Doctor – “We are thinking that
she has a hemangioma on her neck.We’ll
want to take a closer look at it maybe with an ultra sound in the coming
weeks.It doesn’t seem to be causing any
breathing or swallowing issues right now.The one on her head, though, might be a cyst of some sort…”

Me – “What?What’s on her head?We didn’t see anything on her head.”

Doctor – “We’ll want to take
a better look at it to make sure it’s not attached to any brain tissue.The tech on site might not want to perform a
scan on a newborn so you may need to get a specialist.We’ll also want to check her out to make sure
there aren’t any others internally that we can’t see with our naked eyes.When there’s more than one we get a little
concerned that we might have a bigger problem on our hands.”

I don’t remember much more
about that conversation because I was again overcome with such worry that I
could barely see straight.I kept
thinking things like:We did DE because
I have bad eggs and now my poor baby STILL has some sort of health issue.How is this happening?We were so happy when her skull got the all
clear from the other doctor.What are we
going to do?Is she going to have to
have skull surgery and/or surgery on her tiny little neck?Will these things grow and prohibit her from
a “normal” life?I didn’t say any of
this out loud at that time.I was
silenced with worry.The doctor left and
BJ and I just sat in silence.

They finally brought BG back
to us once she was at a proper temperature.I pulled her hat off that she had been wearing for over 24 hours (except
for the time I took a picture of all her hair) and rubbed my fingers lightly
over the top of her head.Sure enough,
there was a big lump on her head.Her
hair was so thick that we couldn’t see it.We could only feel it.I was so
upset.Her head was so tiny and this
huge lump felt like the end of the world.Now we had to wait for the u/s to tell us more.

Betty came in and helped me
latch BG right away on each side.I was
thrilled.I was determined to get this
child to eat and to succeed at SOMETHING that my body was meant to do.We nursed and visited and cuddled and it was
great.All the while in the back of my
mind I was wondering if something was seriously wrong with my little girl.I kept asking myself if I was being punished
in some way for the method in which we brought her into this world.I dismissed those thoughts as much as I could
because I just wanted her to be ok.Nothing else mattered to me.

I have already written about
my physical trials after the birth so I won’t rehash everything here.I will say that having the catheter was the
BEST part of the birth.Before the
surgery I had to pee what felt like every 10 minutes.With the catheter in I didn’t have to pee at
all.I just laid around and enjoyed being
lazy.

I had a voracious appetite in
the hospital and they would bring me 3 meals a day along with a couple of
snacks.I ate like a crazy woman.I also did not have any more nausea or
heartburn.It was awesome.I started taking notes when we checked in but
as soon as all the bad news started coming our way I quit writing things
down.I had hoped to have a full record
of everything that went on but that is not to be.Coming here and spilling everything that I
can remember is going to have to be good enough.

Next post will be more about
my emotions and feelings during our time in the hospital and the weeks
following discharge.It is only recently
after reading another blog that I realize that I not only went through one hell
of a bout of PPD but also PPA (post-partum anxiety).It wasn’t pretty…and it lingers.One of my readers suggested that maybe I also
have a bit of PTSD and I would not be surprised about that, either.These feelings and emotions were much more
than I ever expected or could have anticipated.

2 comments:

Anonymous
said...

I brought up the PTSD, I hope it didn't offend you in any way! I do have kids from my first marriage who are grown now but my 2nd husband and I were not able to get pregnant (other than 2 chemical pregs). I started reading some IF blogs, yours being one of my favorites, and I honestly have so much respect for what you ladies go through to become mama's! I couldn't do it, I'm too wimpy. I think because you became used to it that possibly, you haven't realized what a huge thing you've gone through. And if I recall, you did lose the first preg. Now that you have BG it could be that all these emotions from everything have come to the surface. It's great that you're writing it all down though and not pushing it into the background.

About Me

I'm a married woman in my 30's. I'm trying to navigate my ship into uncharted waters...Motherhood! Care to come along for the ride? I hope you don't get sea sick!
You can e-mail me at tambo518 at gmail dot com

My Journey

August 2000 - starting TTC with husband 1August 2001 - both checked, both fineMarch-May 2002 - 3 BFN with clomidJune 2002 - consult with RE, plan for IUI, no insurance coverage therefore no proceduresJuly 2002-Feb 2005 - TTC naturally with no luckMarch 2005-Sept 2005- single, no need to TTC taking BCPMay 2006 - No more BCP with new manOct-Nov 2008 - New round of testing with RE, both checked, both fine, plan for IUI with new insurance helpDec 2008-Jan 2009 - IUI canceled due to functioning cystFeb 2009 - IUI #1: Gonal-F, Ovidrel = BFNMarch 2009 - IUI #1: Gonal-F, Ovidrel = BFNApril-June 2009 - IVF #1 - BCP failed to diminish cyst, held on Lupron too long and only produced 2 follies, cycle canceled and switched to timed intercourse - BFNJuly 2009 - IVF #1, Take 2 - BCP for 10 days, started stimming with Gonal-F, Menopur on 6/28 - ER set for 7/7 with 5 follies!July 7, 2009 - 4 eggs, 3 mature, 2 fertilized normallyJuly 10, 2009 - 2 8-cell embroyos transferred...beta set for 7/24!!July 21 2009 - HPT reported a BFN, the biggest BFN I have ever seen.July 24, 2009 - Confirmed negative beta....complete sadnessAugust 2009 - Begin a more natural approach to babymaking...we'll see where it takes usJanuary 2011 - Decided to take the bull by the horns and will attempt to be approved for Shared Risk IVF...we just can't give up yet. RE appointment set for February 10...fingers crossed.February 2011 - Denied the Shared Risk program but going ahead with one final attempt at a biological child and doing a single cycle IVF. Please, oh please, let this work.April/May 2011 - Got 5 mature eggs, 3 fertilized normally and we transfered 2 "ok" embryos (blast, early blast) on day 5. BFP - first ever after 10 years of trying at 8dp5dt. Beta was only 38 at 12dp5dt and then fell to 30.5.May-December 2011 - Grieve our loss and try to put the pieces back together.January 2012 - Decide to try Shared Risk Donor Eggs!! First appointment with RE is set for January 31!February 2012 - Selected our donor and the very next day the match was complete! Waiting for treatment calendar from clinic and then we are off and running!April 2012 - I will begin Lupron April 6 and our donor's ER set for May 3!May 2012 - Our donor produced 10 eggs for us, 9 of which fertilized! We transferred one perfectly graded (4AA) 5-day blast on May 8 and were able to freeze 4 embryos. All frozen embryos are graded (4AB). Beta set for 5/21. BFP on hpt on 5/18 - my birthday!5/21 - 1st beta - 804 (13dp5dt)5/23 - 2nd beta - 17415/25 - 3rd beta - 3830