Definition of a Dream-Crusher: A person who attempts to discourage or stands in the way of someone else pursuing their dream.

This isn’t a post about The Fantastic Four movie (which was mediocre at best), but I started thinking about dream-crushers because of a scene at the beginning of that movie.

A young Reed Richards gives a presentation to his elementary school class about the scientific break-through (teleportation) he wants to invent when he grows up. When he finishes, his teacher tells him he didn’t do the assignment properly. He was supposed to write a report about a real career.

I felt that reprimand.

I’ve been that kid.

No, I never dreamed of inventing teleportation, but I can still remember sitting in the guidance counselor’s office in high school for my “career counseling session.” I already knew then that I wanted to be a writer, and I didn’t see the point in lying about it.

My guidance counselor pulled up some numbers for average writer income, and strongly advised me to go a different route. With my grades, I could do anything I wanted. He made it clear that writing wasn’t a good career choice.

I know he meant well. He was a kind person. As graduation drew closer and it was time for university applications to be sent, many of my teachers—from my Calculus teacher to my history teacher—kept me after class to recommend I go to university for whatever their subject was. And their disappointment was clear when I told them what I intended to turn into my career.

When I was younger, those types of reactions to my career choice hurt me and made me angry. I felt judged and criticized.

The older I got, the more I understood that this wasn’t a personal attack, even though it felt personal. Anyone who wants to follow an unconventional dream seems to provoke the same reaction from people. I’ve heard people say that they’d never allow their child to go into a creative career.

I started to wonder what causes these reactions. Millions of people enjoy the fruit of those creative professions. They watch TV, read books, listen to music, attend plays, visit art galleries, and watch shows like So You Think You Can Dance. Yet when it comes to the creators of those fruits, they’re so often viewed with disdain.

I’m only one point of view, but I think the cause lies in three different reasons. And when we understand those reasons, hopefully we can start to find productive ways to deal with them.

Cause #1 – Misunderstandings about the profession and the people in it.

There seems to be a misconception about creatives that we’re lazy. That we sit around all day, excusing our lack of output with claims of waiting for the muse to strike or writer’s block. They think we simply don’t want to put in the effort a real job requires. We’d rather play than work.

They see us as slothful addicts, prone to drinking too much of our beverage of choice and unhealthy eating that leads to unhealthy bodies.

Or they think we can’t make good money. (True, some creatives don’t. But some creatives do.)

They think anyone can do it, and they talk about how someday they’d like to learn to paint or play an instrument or write a book. When they retire. When they have more free time. Because those things are really more of a hobby.

As a creative myself, I can’t claim to know or understand all the misconceptions out there.

What I can do, what we all can do, is tackle them when we run into them. We’re partly to blame for these misconceptions. We can take care of our health. When we talk to non-creatives, we can make sure they understand that this is a business as well as an art. We work hard. We put in long hours. We all know of creatives who’ve been successful and can serve as good examples even if we’re not there yet ourselves. We can share the hours of education and training that actually go into what we do. We can treat our dream career with more respect and confidence and fewer apologies.

Cause #2 – The feeling that creatives are judging them or looking down on non-creatives.

Let’s be honest here. It’s easy to (incorrectly) think that people in more standard jobs aren’t living their dreams. And when we have that mindset, it comes across to people.

Non-creatives have dreams that are just as big and just as valuable. Two of my best friends are perfect examples.

One wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and homeschool her children. That’s her dream. That brings her fulfillment and joy. It’s her dream, and no one should belittle her dream.

My other friend is a teacher. She started out her university years with the intention to become a doctor, but what she loved, what she really wanted to do, was to teach young children. So she chased after it. It’s a beautiful, valuable dream. She makes a difference. And she’s happy.

For some people, their dream doesn’t involve a job at all. They’re happy with going to work simply to make money because their dream involves being able to spend their off-hours at their cottage or creating pottery in their garage.

We, inadvertently, sometimes convey the idea that we’re “better” somehow because we’ve bucked tradition and chosen to walk our own path as creatives. We expect people to show interest in and support for our career, but we don’t always show the same for their passions.

Here’s what I’m trying to do instead. I’m trying to ask people what they’re passionate about and what they love to do, rather than what they do to earn a living. It levels the playing field, and it allows me to invest in them before I expect them to invest in me. My dream might be different from theirs, but it’s no better.

Cause #3 – Failed dreams of their own.

This is the saddest. The most troubling.

Some people try to crush us and make us conform because they gave up on their own dreams.

At times these people are so easy to spot that I want to cry for them. Talk to them for very long and you’ll be able to learn about that dream they didn’t chase because they use it as an example of why you shouldn’t chase yours. Their reasons for giving up their dream are varied. They don’t even always recognize their motivations for giving it up. Maybe they were scared. Maybe they truly weren’t capable of chasing their dreams—the need to eat, the need to put someone else first, or the lack of talent became an impenetrable barrier.

You can often spot these people because they chose their career for practical reasons, and now, a few years in, are disillusioned and dissatisfied with their work. They live for their vacation days and complain about their jobs regularly. They’re jaded with the work they do. They can’t wait to retire.

And the only way to make themselves feel better about their choice is to make sure no one proves them wrong. Seeing someone succeed at their unconventional dream hurts them deep inside, in a place they’re not brave enough to admit to or face.

We can’t change these people. All we can do is pity them. Pity them and show them more kindness than they show us and hope that, someday, they’ll find something that makes them happy too.

Have you run into dream-crushers before? How have you handled it? What do you think makes people try to crush the dreams of others?

Related

8 Comments

Marcy,
An excellent article–so good, it’s inspired me to play the Devil’s Advocate. I’ve never let dream-crushers define my life, but I’d like to support those who point out the realities of career choices. People shouldn’t make important decisions without background data to inform those decisions.
I dreamed of being an author. It came as natural to me as math and science. But I researched and discovered that the likelihood of becoming successful in any artistic endeavor was very low. By successful I mean having a financially stable and secure career, secure enough to put food on the table and educate your children. I made my own choices, though, and have been satisfied with them.
After spending a lifetime (maybe several, counting my many professions), I’ve collected a lot of experiences, lived various places here and abroad, visited most of South America and Europe, and seen many cultures and met many people. All of that informs my fiction. I’m in a good place right now, writing what I want (even being prolific, with Stephen King’s definition–last Sunday’s NY Times), but using those experiences to include themes with human interest in my fiction. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
But the idea that one can make a living writing nowadays is sorely tested. There are more books and authors every month. It’s a great time for readers, but not a great one for writers. While I always have felt that other writers aren’t my competition because we’re all competing for a dwindling number of avid readers (an endangered species?), I would discourage any young person from a writing career unless s/he’s financially independent (rich parents?), or willing to live like a graduate student for 10-15 years (maybe a lifetime?).
That’s not being a dream-crusher–it’s being practical.
Besides, if you don’t acquire some life experiences, what do you have to write about? No MFA provides life experiences. In fact, no college career provides much experience either. Living life does.
r/Steve

I’m happy to have someone play Devil’s Advocate. Anyone who knows me in real life would tell you I enjoy a good, respectful debate 🙂

I’m actually thinking about writing a companion post to this one that includes some hard truths about following a creative career because we do need to balance the desire to follow our dream with the practicalities of life. We have to be able to pay our bills and be responsible adults. That might mean working a full-time or part-time job along with our creative career when we start out. Some people actually enjoy having both the regular job and the creative career the whole time.

I’ve spoken to teenagers who want to be writers, and I do counsel them to have another career when they’re starting out, until they reach a point where they can support themselves on their writing. I didn’t do that, and it was a hard path to travel. I write and edit full-time, but I’m not someone who believes my way is the only way. We each have to strategically and smartly make the right decision for us. What I stand against is people who can’t see the possibilities in any way other than their own.

I think there’s one other thing to consider when we talk about a creative career, and it’s one that no one wants to discuss–ability. Does everyone have the ability to be a successful writer or a successful musician or a successful artist? Some people won’t work hard enough. Some people aren’t teachable. And some people seem to run into an invisible ability block. They really want it, they work harder than everyone else, but they can’t seem to produce something with a high enough quality to sell in the quantities that you need to make a living. (And yes, I do acknowledge that poor quality products sometimes sell by the truckload too.)

It’s not my place to decide who has natural ability and who doesn’t, and hard work can overcome a lot of natural barriers, but I do wonder if we shouldn’t look at aptitudes when we choose our career as well. I would have loved to be a dancer, but I’m clumsy and I have a genetic condition where my bones don’t stay where they belong. So as much as I love dance, it would have been an unwise career choice for me. I’ve met people who love music, but are tone deaf and have no rhythm. As much as they love music, they probably shouldn’t pursue a career as a musician. Maybe even suggesting those things makes me a dream-crusher as well 🙂 Or maybe I just need to alter my definition of dream-crusher so that it’s someone who tries to force someone else to make the decision they think that person should make, rather than allowing them to make their own decisions.

And all that opens up the discussion of whether people can have only one dream. Maybe your original dream wasn’t possible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find another one that is.

(As an aside, I’m not a huge fan of MFA degrees. I did receive a Master’s, but it was in an entirely different subject, and then I went straight into a career in the writing world, originally writing for magazines. Life experience is important, and it can be gained in many ways 🙂 )

Marcy,
I didn’t want to get into the ability discussion, so thanks for having the courage to do that. Let me tell a story that takes us away from the writing business into more neutral territory.
I was teaching a first-year calculus course once, and I had to give a student an F. There was no math ability, not even at the HS level, and very little motivation. His first exam was a D and he went downhill from there. At the end, I realized why he stuck with the course. His mother asked to see me. She begged me to pass him. “His father and brothers are engineers. He has to be an engineer.”
Science, engineering, and many other technical careers not only require ability too, they also are creative careers, especially nowadays. This student was in the wrong program. He later became an anthropologist. His life would have been one of frustration if he had struggled through and received a BS in engineering. I feel I did him a favor. I suppose his mother still hates me.
I’m tired of people spouting off equality BS. The only equality that should exist is that everyone should have equal opportunity, freedom to make their choices without pressure from relatives, dream crushers, or society in general, and chances to make a decent living and raise their families. Abilities aren’t equal. A person should be honest with him or herself and assess their abilities. As the mathematician Hardy said, not everyone can be a cricket champion. But he was the first to recognize ability–he discovered Ramanujan, the number theorist. We should all recognize innate ability. All men and women are created equal, but, to paraphrase Orwell, some are more equal than others, at least as far as abilities go.
Wow! We’ve covered a lot in these posts. 🙂
r/Steve

Dream-crushing. Oh, I think we’ve all been there. Yet, you’d need a dream in order to be crushed, true? Sadly, there are people in this world that have no dreams, nor are they allowed to dream. It may be due to their circumstances, their station in life. Or perhaps they were never allowed to dream, their life always taking a course in which they were directed, either by peers or parents. Most like, parents. This could leave someone defeated before they even start. And this could be why there are those who don’t find their true passion, dream, until later in life. I, for one, never really had a dream, or what I thought was a dream until I read this post. I fall under the same category as your dear friend who longed to stay home with her children. And I’ve never regretted it. It was a special time in my life that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Now, I have the time to focus on something I never new I enjoyed doing. Writing. 🙂

As you said, I think sometimes people don’t realize that their dream doesn’t have to be career-oriented. For example, someone might have a dream to be able to spend their vacations going on mission trips to other countries. That’s a goal they aim for and something that helps give their life fulfillment. It speaks to their heart.

Karen,
Because Marcy and I both write sci-fi (she also does fantasy, and I also do mysteries and thrillers), I’ll remind everyone about prolific sci-fi writer Isaac Asimov. There was a time when he stopped having fun writing sci-fi and began to write non-fiction, namely popular science books, becoming prolific in that genre too. That was followed by his returning to sci-fi, where he could now have fun again, tying the robot novels (actually sci-fi mysteries) together with the Foundation trilogy, into one amazing series of now classic sci-fi. If he had forced himself to stay with sci-fi, the world might not have had these later masterful classics.
The moral of this story is that writing IS fun, but when it isn’t, do something else, even if it’s just changing genres or from fiction to non-fiction. To keep writing fun–like you, I don’t do much of anything else now–I do many types of writing–blog posts, book and movie reviews, short stories, novellas, and novels. I often have two or three book projects going on at the same time, alternating week to week between them. That’s just me, of course. 🙂 Everyone has to establish their own routines and vary them as needed.
r/Steve

Thankyou Marc for your insightful article about dream crushers. It made me feel less angry at someone who recently poked holes in my dream.
In fact, it was my wonderful husband, who never had time for dreams as a child. I understand where he is coming from. I cannot allow anyone to stifle my desires. I’am responsible for creating my own happiness. I like your writing style.