I am Dying … (So I Can Live Again)

I firmly believe that many people hold on to personal goals and pet projects long after they should have let them die a natural death. If we would let these things die, this would enable God to raise up something new in our life from the dust and ashes of the past.

I wrote about this in The Death and Resurrection of the Church. Churches often keep programs running for many years after they have ceased contributing anything to the life of Jesus in the church. If a church would remove programs from life-support, they would see God raise up new leaders with new ideas for new ways to reach new people.

But talking about letting things die is one thing. Actually letting things die is quite another.

I have recently begun to feel God calling me to let a lot of things in my life die.

What things?

Specifically, most of the things related to my “online presence.”

This blog.

My publishing company.

My books.

My writing.

My web design work.

My Twitter account.

My Facebook account.

I feel that God is calling me to allow everything that makes me “me” to die.

Why? Because my online presence has consumed the real-life me.

When I first started my website over fifteen years ago, I wrote just for the fun of writing.

But in the last year or two, writing has become a burden, a chore. It has become something I must do so that I can maintain everything I have built up to this point. Rather than being excited about some new insight from Scripture or idea about theology which I get to pass on to others, my writing has become more about pageviews, backlinks, ad revenue, email subscriber stats, book sales, and comment counts. And as I have come to focus on these, the thrill and joy of study and writing has disappeared.

So I feel God wants me to just let it all die.

This is terrifying for me.

I have spent countless thousands of hours building my website and getting it to the place it is now. Can I just let it all go?

I generate money every month from advertisements and books sales which I have come to depend upon for monthly bills. What will I do without that money?

I have made some good online friends through online blogging and writing. Will they now disappear?

I do feel, however, that if I let everything die, God will raise something up from the ashes. I feel that God has something more for me than the tiny little blogging and book publishing empire I have built for myself (Which is not an empire at all, but more like a cool-aid stand on the corner…)

But at the same time, I wish that before I let everything die, God would tell me what He is going to resurrect. That would make the dying so much easier.

Yet I know that God does not work that way… Every time I have seen death lead to resurrection in my life, I have never, not once, known what the season of resurrection was going to look like during the time I was going through the season of death.

So I am going to let things die, and then see what God raises up in His own time.

Here is what this looks like for my blog and books:

I am not actually “killing” anything. I’m not going to delete this blog or cancel my Facebook account. I am just going to step back from it all. I am taking a break from online activity.

For the most part, I will not be very active on Twitter, Facebook, or on this blog. For how long? I do not know. It may be a month. It may be a year. It may be forever. I just don’t know.

Nothing that is currently online will be taken down. I am leaving up all my blogs and websites. I just will not be adding content to them regularly (if at all).

I do, of course, have some commitments to tie up. I have agreed to publish some books through Redeeming Press. This will get done. Those authors who are already published will continue to receive royalty payments.

I am blogging once a week in preparation for the “All About Eve” conference. That will continue as well.

But that’s about it.

I think one reason God is calling me to die to all this is because very little of it is me. Over the past two years, I have come to see that God does not want us to be like Him, nor does God want us to be like Jesus. God calls us to be fully us.

We most glorify God and we most reveal Jesus only when we live up to who God made us to be and where Jesus is leading us to go.

As long as we try to be like God and point people to Jesus, we are hiding from and even denying the person God has made us to be.

As I look back over my research, study, and writing from the past several years, I see that I have been doing everything I can to not be me, but to be someone else instead. This is not all bad, because we learn by imitation, but God has recently been calling me to be me.

Since I am not sure I know what that means, the me I have become must die so that the me God desires can rise up refreshed and renewed.

So until God raises up something new in my life, or gives me direction on what He wants me to do, or maybe just gives me permission to pick back up where I left off because I needed a Sabbath rest, I will not regularly publish new blog posts, write new books, respond to comments, or interact with people much on the various social sites. If you send me email, I cannot promise I will respond to that either. I just feel God calling me to die.

And when resurrection comes … as it always does … it will be in God’s timing, in God’s way, and for God’s purposes.

Comments

Interesting comment Jeremy. Well if you feel that’s what you need to do/what would ultimately be best, then do it and have peace about it. Thanks for any and all encouragement and wisdom you’ve shared in the past on your site.

No!!! I just discovered this website. I know…where have I been? But I do think what you are doing (not doing) is courageous. In fact, I was just looking at Psalm 46:10 today. Blessings on your wilderness sojourn. I hope to hear what God does in your life during this time of stillness. Blessings.

Most of the Christian bloggers I know personally have either taken a sabbatical or stopped blogging in the last two years. Blogging can consume one’s life.

I cannot envision ever having my own blog. I could not tolerate all of the bickering, the “I’m right and you’re wrong and that means you’re going to hell”, the anger, arguing, snarky remarks, intolerance and general lack of love that pops up in the comments on all but the most heavily moderated blogs.

It was said of the early Christians “Behold how they love one another”. I have never heard anyone say that of any Christians in my lifetime. Instead we are known as judgmental, hateful, resentful, bigoted, strongly opinionated, politically motivated, etc. Whatever happened to “Behold how they love one another”?

We often define ourselves by what we do and not who we are. Perhaps it’s because the world accepts successful doers and we’re afraid of the stares and glares of others when we just want to be what God called us to be: His beloved child. I’ve watched many things “die,” as you call it, along the path through the years. It’s not so bad when they’re gone. You at first think, “How can I give that up?” But you know it’s the last time you’ll do it. And you let it go and a year or so down the road you realize you don’t miss it at all and your life is more harmonious. Then you find yourself thanking God for removing it from you. A little snip here, a little snip there by the vine keeper.

It really is about abiding. And when we abide, He causes us to be bear fruit. We don’t do it ourselves. Paul gives a good list of fruit in Galatians. Funny, I don’t see the seven things you list in there (tongue in cheek). ; )

Hosea 2:14, 15 is a great promise of what happens in the wilderness. I always find solace in that when I wonder why I am where I am.

Grace and peace to you, brother. May the love of Christ enrich you instead!

I’m a little disappointed because I was just starting to read your blog and really appreciate the work you’ve done… but I completely understand your situation and admire your willingness to trust the Lord’s leading. I wish you all the best, brother!

Even though I am a conservative and you are mostly liberal I did think you did a great job with exposing the errors of Calvinism maybe there’s another new subject out there waiting for you. Its been a learning experience for me. Thank you RD

Sam said; ” I have never heard anyone say that of any Christians in my lifetime. Instead we are known as judgmental, hateful, resentful, bigoted, strongly opinionated, politically motivated, etc. Whatever happened to “Behold how they love one another”?

answer; All this can be true but the love extremist can do more harm for the truth of Gods word than the mean spirited Christian as well. Any Christian who centers more on feelings than truth will always be led to disappointments rather than steadfastness in the absolute Word of God no matter what ministry they do. I’m afraid this will increase more and more because the Bible predicts this behavior at the end times that people will not listen to sounds doctrine anymore and people will use their emotions rather than absolute truth to verify their beliefs. Be careful for what really drives your faith when emotions and everything else for that matter fails you

Unfortunately, many people in our culture, including many Christians, have adopted Hollywood’s definition of love as feelings. That is not the way I define love, and not the way I understand that Jesus defined love.

Consider that at “The Last Supper” Jesus, after washing the feet of his disciples, including the feet of Judas the betrayer, said “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

According to the Jesus we claim to follow, his command to “love one another” is lived out in the act of service – “You…should wash one another’s feet”. I understand that to also apply to every single person today who follows Jesus. I do not understand Jesus’ words to love one another to include the bickering, the “I’m right and you’re wrong and that means you’re going to hell”, the anger, snarky remarks, intolerance and general lack of love that I find not only in the comments on many “Christian” blogs, but also that I read and hear expressed by “Christians” elsewhere.

Also be careful Sam of those who say they are Christian but they may not be nor are they mature Christians exercising Ephesians 4:15 properly. I did not say you were wrong about what Christians are saying that is unloving and unkind toward other Christians I just meant there is an extreme that can drive us in the wrong direction if we live just by our emotions because we cannot fully trust them without leaning on the Word of God. Regardless of what they are saying or doing we must not stop what God has called us to do as far as the scriptures are concerned that is. If you only speak of love without the truth then you have the wrong idea of what the Bible teaches about love of God or even vasa versa. I think this is something you must realize just because you escape going to church does not mean you want find the same unloving unkind Christian on a blog. Jeremy is learning that too. For me I try not to let it bother me my focus is on Jesus not on me personally or them. The only way to escape is to be a monk in a monastery only if you don’t speak to one another to make it work. Here is some scripture to show that love must include the scriptures not without it.

John 14:21 – He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.”

John 15:10 – If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love

1 John 2: Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. 4 He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. 5 But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. 6 He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked.

Ok Jeremy – but your outreach ministers to a lot of people so I for one hope the Lord brings you back to us after your respite. Thank you for a very real, thought provoking and God-inspired blog. You have inspired many, many weekend conversations between my husband and I and you will be missed.

Thank you for your courage. I have been struggling with the the death of my ministry and other things in my life over the last two years, and I am sure that my hanging on to things that I needed to let go of has lengthened the process and delayed resurrection (because death has to come first!). Your courage inspires me! And I know the feeling of not being able to plan and rehearse your resurrection! And what it means to ‘play dead’ at times. I have enjoyed your site and am glad that you are leaving it online. God bless you in what ever future God has for you! It will be good!!

I do hope you are sure you are hearing God’s voice on this. I know a couple of occasions in my life that I offered something up to God with good intentions and it was disastrous. My brother sacrificed a huge offering to a certain ministry and packed up and allowed his successful business to be ran by someone else to be part of that ministry and about lost his business; and his son to this day was so damaged by that ‘ministry’ that he is not even living for Christ anymore, years later. Good intentions. Thought he was offering it to the Lord and left hurt wondering why God didn’t bless it. I have just become a subscriber so I don’t know you that well but I have been a follower of Christ since 1975. Just make sure that God SPECIFICALLY is directing you to do this before you do this. maybe even fast and pray about it specifically. I think sometimes what we offer to God with good intentions is like Cain offering his grain offering to God. It isn’t what we think is good but what He desires and obedience is better than sacrifice (1 Sam. 15:22).

I believe I will be back. As some have commented here and elsewhere, this is probably more of a “sabbatical” during which I will refocus and rejuvenate In all my years of blogging, I have never taken a Sabbatical, and one is long overdue.

Wow – your post really moved me because I can sense that there is something brewing within you and that is exciting.You are the second person this Lenten season to talk about feeling unsettled as if there is something else/more/different you should be doing. I certainly don’t want to lose my connection with you online and look forward to continuing to connect with you but I also understand stepping back. I hope and pray that you will find renewal, refreshment and clarity.

So sorry to see you go Jeremy. You have helped me more than words can say and given me great peace as a new Christian who worried about everything! I am glad you not going to delete your blog so we can all refer to it when we need your insights. I notice that some commenters have mentioned the angry and disrespectful comments which some of your followers posted to each other, but can I just say Jeremy, that all your thoughts and replies were extremely loving and balanced. You will be missed and I hope you return in the future. Your wife will be delighted to ‘have you back’! God bless! Hope to see you in Ireland some time.

So good to hear I am not alone. My journey is very similar, yet different. After 35 years of institutional church leadership, I am lost….not from the leadership part, but from watching people grow spiritually and the sometimes intense, but always intimate relationships.

Why so difficult? I have lost a sense of “who I am” outside of “what I had.”

I can take the dying part…it is the wondering what will come up in it’s place that I struggle with.

Well, for the new (and relatively new) readers, this might be an opportunity to dig into the archives. It’s not as if most of the topics have an expiration date. It would be interesting to see how your voice and opinions have evolved over time. Best wishes!

After reading the title I thought Jeremy found a wonderful Baptist church to attend but this is well known observation statistic that people that leave the church really do lose their purpose, adventure in faith, and passion for God not saying that Jeremy did but there are many testimonies that say this when they return to the fold

I’m glad you have the courage to “let go”. Be strong in the Lord, and in His mighty power (Love, as mentioned above). It always ends up coming back to you hundred fold (casting your bread upon the water… even if/when “bread” has meant some money! Ha.)

Thanks for the memories! We will meet again… here, there or in the air. Soon and very soon. Enjoy your new less travelled road…leading away from this fork. It will make all the difference.

Hello brother Jeremy. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I pray God will bless your family and new work? Also I feel that our paths could cross one day God willing, with the work he has called us to do. That was a great thing you have done for the sex slaves and sometimes we all need a Sabbath! 🙂

“…my online presence has consumed the real-life me.” So much in that sentence that I personally understand Jeremy. At age 49, one of South Africa’s most senior correctional officials, I was working 16-18 hours a day. My work consumed “me” as you say and one day my body just said ‘Hey Gerrie, seeing that you’re not doing it, I’m shutting down.” So at that young age I found myself a pensioner.

What you are doing is a valuable lesson to all, even more so for those with families!

Abba Father bless you and your family. He will be leading you every step of the way at the right time. Your books and your blog will maintain your “presence” with me.

Hi Jeremy…faith is precisely not knowing what God is asking but taking the step of jumping out into the abyss. He has always been faithful to me in this. As to ‘how do we know it is God’ – well in my experience you just do and even if it turns out ‘bad’ initially, we continue to have faith and this belief has yet to let me down. Things are rarely (if ever) perfect but you have a sense of ‘right with God’ somehow. Good on you – this is a brave step but personally, I feel it is the right one – please don’t be discouraged but I have felt the edge a little rounded lately on your blogs – so this is meant to be encouragement that you are taking the right step. God is with you every step of the way – blessings await in abundance – you just have to keep looking through His binoculars to spot them! best wishes – will wait and see what transpires

Transitions, transitions! Going through much the same thing myself Jeremy. When we start losing the passion for something we love doing to try and meet ours or others expectations, we are truly dying a slow death. Jesus came to set us free from these things. Peace and blessings to you as you continue on your journey.

“To everything there is a season…” A call to a major change in your life, though challenging, can be refreshing and exciting. It can also be frightening, but no one needs to tell you that you’re always in good Hands. Thanks for creating this site, Jeremy, and for facilitating some spirited discussions here!

I’ve really enjoyed the short time I’ve had to learn from you. I respect the way you think which transcends liberal-conservative categories. Your series on re-examining scriptures that Calvinists abuse us with has been a real confidence builder. Since you brought up the Sabbath, I thought of this favorite book of mine by Mark Buchanan who has a style similar to yours. Thanks and God bless you.

Sounds like classic burnout. I know the feeling; you start out doing something you love and then you add “this” to it and then you add “that” to it and then you add “the other thing” to it. Before you know it you are spending most of your time with the add-ons rather than your first love. But, whatever the reason, I wish you all the best and give you a big THANK YOU for helping me better understand a lot of issues. God bless and I hope to see you back soon.

Jeremy: My wife suffered a couple strokes around the time this was published, and I have not been reading your blog since as my small business consumes my time. Having just now found this post and felt compelled to respond. I will pray for you and your family. I hope that in your search for life meaning that God will allow you to continue with your online ministry. I for one have found your blogging to be insightful, uplifting, and life changing, particularly in the area of church. I thank God for your writing, and pray that you find where God wants your service. God bless you.

Dear Jeremy, It is good to hear you responding to the Lords call to come up higher, however I find something amiss. I won’t beat about the bush, you say that “you have been denying the person God wants us to be”, this is exactly what we are called to do, deny self, take up our cross and follow Him. Full marks for laying down the list of things mentioned, but I fear you have misunderstood what Jesus taught us. We are to die to self, our old man and take on Christ, for “we have the mind of Christ.” Nothing of self will make it into the Kingdom, as Father God see’s us in His Son we must abide in Him and Him alone. He must increase, but I decrease. I pray He fill you with His Spirit and the Grace and peace of our Lord Jesus be with you, John

Dear Jeremy, First for all, I would like to say God Bless You, my friend. Secondly, if you need to stop writing on your web blog, please come back again as soon as possible because we need people like you to inspire each other..

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