FARMINGTON, ME -- "Due to the incredible interest shown thus far in Roshigoth's Nookie Nation Sweeps, the AsylumNation administrators have cooked up yet another contest to show their appreciation to the members!" announced Paint CHiPs, recent immigrant to Maine.

Mr. CHiPs advised this next venture is a fiction writing contest and provided the following details:

1. Contestants will write and submit an original short story entitled, "Jeebus's Last Panty Raid". The panel of judges will be selected by the site administrators. There is no limit on length, although 5000 words or less is recommended. Additionally, the admins reserve the right to edit as necessary in their sole judgment.

2. Grand Prize will be an AsylumNation Toaster. All entries must be the original work of the entrant and submitted before noon CST, 15 October 2001, Any and all entries may be published, or not, at the sole discretion of the admins and all rights are reserved.

the forum url will be changing from http://www.asylumnation.com/vbulletin/index.php to http://www.asylumnation.com/asylum/index.php tonight. This should go smoothly, although you will have to edit your bookmarks.

CYBERIA, ASYLUMNATION -- Earlier today, Herkimer J. "Wonderaz" McGinty announced AsylumNation administrators have denied Anal "Goatboy" Roberts' appeal for entry in the Roshigoth's Nookie Nation Sweepstakes. The appeal was lodged after Mad Dog MstrG's investigation of a stalking complaint led to apprehension of Roberts in a women's restroom stall on the groundfloor of a dormitory at Rosh's campus.

Denial of Roberts' appeal came after numerous thorough and exhaustive deep body cavity searches conducted by Dingle Van Winkle. "It was a nasty, filthy job, but I love my job and, after all, somebody had to do it in the interest of fair play!", said Winkle.

Winkle continued, "We made it clear the contest was open only to female members 18 years of age or over. As for Mr. Roberts, the only thing I'm sure of is, he ain't no woman."

Mr. Roberts is demanding an appeal of his appeal, citing the need for yet more testing and body cavity searches, claiming those conducted to-date are inconclusive. McGinty reported his demand is under consideration.

CYBERIA, ASYLUMNATION -- "Anyone who's ever thought or accused the administrators at AsylumNation of being heartless bastards will eat their words!" proclaimed Paint CHiPs, long time bard and gas-bag. The pronouncement came following a secret weekend pow-wow and Everclear sampling at Mad Dog MstrG's summer retreat located near Three-Mile Island.

Citizen CHiPs added, "Yes, we've still got a couple of toasters to give away and we've been mindful that it's been a virtual nookie wasteland for our youthful ward, Roshigoth. Hence, we've combined a contest for one of these sought-after prizes with a solution for Rosh!"

He continued, "The contest will be called 'ROSHIGOTH'S NOOKIE NATION'and the rules are simple. Beginning with this press release, the first registered Asylumnation babe to fork over some much-needed and well-deserved nookie to this fine young man will receive an electric toaster, but that's not all -- If the administrators receive photographic verification of the dirty deed, or deeds (yes, plurality of the nookie is encouraged), the lucky lady will also receive an additional SUPER SECRET PRIZE!"

Verification by Roshigoth of receipt of nookie is required and all decisions of the administrators at Asylumnation are final. All contestants must be 18 years of age or older to participate. Contest ends at midnight CST, 30 September 2001.

PORTLAND, ME -- The Securities and Exchange Commission filed an enforcement action in the U.S. District Court for the District of Maine on Monday against Green Burrito Enterprises, Inc. alleging investor and customer fraud against one Jesus Rodriguez a/k/a Alcoholsoopafiend (ASF). A confidential source stated Rodriguez is most likely an alias linked to the internet alias of ASF.

A "John Doe" summons has been issued for a Mexican National allegedly carrying false citizenship papers. The man is reputed to be approximately 24 years of age and is reportedly fond of abusing his hair.

Complaints began pouring in last week after an E. coli (eschericia coli) breakout among dozens of customers who ate burritos purchased from a street cart and rolling porta-potty owned by Green Burrito Enterprises, Inc. Touting "environmentally friendly" burritos, laboratory testing of uneaten portions revealed the fillings had been recycled.

A man claiming to be a spokesperson for the company, Anal "Goatboy" Roberts, claimed the suit was a plot by the government to shut down small businesses. "It's a very sound idea whose time has come. Why, whenever I hurl from eating one, and I frequently do, I just get another tortilla and eat it again. In these times of extreme environmental consciousness, it does not get any greener than that," said Roberts, who refused to provide details as to his whereabouts.

GACKLE, ND -- With warrants in hand, federal, state and local authorites swooped in on a farm five miles south of Gackle early Sunday morning intent upon arresting the first two humans added to the Toxic Site List of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). Citing a confidential informant, the warrants were for a Minnesota vagrant known as Dingle Van Winkle and his alleged side-kick, Herkimer J. "Wonderaz" McGinty.

In a first for the EPA, Van Winkle and McGinty were added to the Toxic Site List earlier this month after chemical analysis of rectal swabs obtained in April confirmed incredibly high levels of benzene, catacarb and creosote. An informed source said these men have also been linked to a rash of bizarre and highly toxic "crap circles" plaguing random areas throughout Minnesota for weeks.

A search of the premises and outbuildings confirmed that authorites had arrived too late, although an arrest was made by county sheriff's deputies. A man claiming to be Anal "Goatboy" Roberts was found hiding in a chicken coup and booked on seven felony counts of Crimes Against Nature. Two watermelons were also seized as evidence.

If you haven't been around during the last day, you may not yet know that we are now fully in the process of converting our old UBB board into a brand spanking new vBulletin board, with all sorts of bells, whistles, and significant advantages over the old board. We will never have to archive again, never have to delete old threads, and will now revel in the mucho better flexibility, reliability, and Dingleability that our new format allows.

While for the most part the format will look just as comfy and cozy as the old one, there are many significant features that we are sure to capitalize on in the future (and the present). There are terrific advantages for the members as well; all sorts of options that people have been clamoring for for many months are now here in full force.

So here is our new forum in all its glory:

http://asylumnation.com/vbulletin/index.php?s=

If you haven't been around for awhile, check it out, put in an appearance. We bet you'll like what you see.

We haven't finished with it all yet. Many days will be spent throwing in hacks, upgrades, options, etc etc. So it is still under construction, though even now it is for all intensive purposes as usuable as the old one ever was.

So enjoy, stop by, kick your feet up, grab me a beer, and we'll see you on the boards.