AlterNet.org: Anna Pulleyhttps://www.alternet.org/authors/anna-pulley
enA Safer, More Lucrative and More Interactive Form of Pornhttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/safer-more-lucrative-and-more-interactive-form-porn
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1086918';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1086918"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Webcam models offer something real, raw and relationship-based.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_211212901_1.jpg?itok=QGnvvCJn" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--><p dir="ltr">Despite the estimation that 37 percent of all internet searches are porn-related, since the early aughts, there’s been a marked decrease in porn revenues and access. Google has tried to <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Google_Panda">lower the rank</a> of porn sites in searches. Apple and other mobile devices have banned smut from their app stores (Android is a bit better, in that it has a third-party adult app store). Then there’s the staggering amount of free and pirated porn content, which makes it far more difficult for pornographers and models to earn money. (Not to mention the whole global recession thing, which has affected almost every industry, porn included.)</p><p dir="ltr">One of the biggest surprises porn has faced in the past few years is web camming, an interactive show people pay for to watch and engage with a model in real time. A considerable amount of money is being made in camming now, and porn has had to scramble to keep up, with most tube sites now offering cam videos. You can find plenty of ex-porn stars on cam sites, where many can make a lot more money, as well as enjoy independence from the (often) male-owned porn business. As traditional porn revenues drop, web camming has only grown more popular and lucrative. Some <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aa7tG2PjqMc">stats</a> claim web camming is a $3.5 billion-a-year industry. What accounts for the inverse?</p><p dir="ltr">Camming veers from more traditional forms of porn in a number of ways. Whereas in the past a performer would be paid a flat fee for a shoot, no matter how much the film made, web camming tends to work on a tipping or token system. The site will take a cut of the earnings—between 20 and 70 percent, depending on the site—but in many cases, the performers themselves earn the bulk of the profits. According to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aa7tG2PjqMc">some estimates</a>, the average cam girl takes in about $1,200 a month. (Take that estimate with a grain of salt, however. There are many levels of earnings, since cam girls number in the tens of thousands. Some models earn $200-$400 a day and even much more in some cases.)</p><p dir="ltr">The tipping model is another way camming turns porn on its head. Broadly speaking, most models get tipped via tokens (which equal real cash, and sometimes other forms of currency, like BitCoin) to masturbate on camera, but they can also engage in shows that aren't explicitly sexual. Some cammers’ broadcasts involve acrobatics, playing music and singing, talking politics, and other non-sexual themes. The tipping system also gives viewers something no other form of pornography offers: a chance to have a personal interaction with the model, and potentially to influence the show.</p><p dir="ltr">On MyFreeCams (MFC), many models use remote-controlled sex toys by Lovense, whose vibrations increase with the amount of tips the model receives. Tippers can also make requests of models, and those aren’t always explicitly sexual. One cam aficionado told me about a request she made for a model to sing a song from the video game Skyrim, in Dragontongue, the game’s invented language.</p><p>Though tipping can influence certain acts the model engages in, she (cam models are overwhelmingly female and their clients overwhelmingly male) is still in charge and has final say over what she does on camera. “Camming is a way that ultimately puts the model in control,” says JessicaSage69, who broadcasts on Stripchat. “It's her space, her schedule, and her guidelines or rules of what she will or won't do. If anyone is breaking those rules or trying to ruin her time, or even attempting to take control of her room, she can easily get rid of them without having to worry about something happening....That’s empowerment.”</p><p>Camming “puts control of art/entertainment—erotic or otherwise—back into the hands of the artist and the fans,” says Harley Rose Lee, who broadcasts on MFC and JustTheMusic.org, a site for cam models to showcase their musical talents. “[MFC] takes its cut as the host (as it should) and they have their basic guidelines (totally valid and important), but aside from that they try to stay out of the way and let people make their content and have a relationship with their fans. It makes for better art, happier artists and more satisfied members.”</p><p dir="ltr">This sense of control is another way camming differs from traditional porn shoots or other kinds of sex work. Models are not physically present with clients, so they are safeguarded from many of the usual kinds of abuse, threats and physical danger. They also have some tools at their disposal to ensure their protection. “Stripchat (where I mostly broadcast) has an easy feature for geoblock that allows you to have more privacy,” says Naomi Courtney. “So you can block countries and even certain states if you want to stay private.”</p><p>Geoblocking is part of a vast and growing suite of tools sex workers use to protect themselves from potential harassment and exploitation—from clients and law enforcement officials alike. Even with such tools in place, there is still a danger of people illegally recording and releasing cam shows online at the expense of the models. This can be especially devastating to models who work outside the U.S. Romania, for instance, has a staggering amount of cam studios, <a href="https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/mv5e3n/bucharest-webcam-studios-america-outsourcing-sex-trade">2,000 by some estimates</a>, and with the average monthly wage in Romania being less than $300, pirated content can take a huge chunk out of models’ livelihoods. There are also occurrences of women being discovered or outed intentionally by boyfriends, acquaintances, family, or employers, which can have lasting damage.</p><p>Part of ensuring a better workplace environment in informal and unregulated economies like sex work falls to the models themselves, who create their own communities and networks and share advice. “Female sex workers are the most loving, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, hard-working women across the board,” says Allie Knox, who cams on I Want Clips and MFC. “Being able to be included in this space of beautiful, creative women is the hugest pro. It’s so wonderful.”</p><p>Harley Rose Lee echoes the benefits of online communities she’s found through camming. “I have so many amazing members and models in this community,” she says, noting that Amber Cutie Forums (ACF) was an important resource for her when starting out. “It was started by a model as an extension of her website and has become a huge networking resource for models of all genders to be able to commiserate, share tips, ask questions... And it's entirely free!”</p><p dir="ltr">The community aspects apply not just to models, but to the relationship between models and clients as well, and speaks to another appeal of camming—vulnerability. Users feel connected to the models. Sex may be the currency, but it doesn’t negate the larger desire viewers have for connection. In some cases, clients aren’t even paying for sex.</p><p dir="ltr">“My base is lonely men, 100 percent,” says Knox. “The people that come to me want to talk about tacos or politics or whatever. They’re way more into a connection. Like, I have one who works in Canada in the oil fields and they don't see women for 24 days at a time. So to have a girl ask them, ‘Hey, how was your day?’ you know, just this female interaction, I think it’s really important, and that's a service that cam girls certainly provide long-term, almost like a girlfriend.” </p><p dir="ltr">A.V. Flox, who spent time on MFC as a journalist, found herself sticking around the site long after her piece on public cum shows was published. “While working on the piece, I would leave one of my screens open on MyFreeCams. I freelance and tend to work alone late at night, and grew to really enjoy the company. So I kept coming back. But I know that this is labor and I respect performers' time and ingenuity, so I paid them. I wouldn't be surprised if it ended up being about equal to what I made writing that post.”</p><p dir="ltr">Unlike traditional, mainstream porn, with its performativity and spray tans and fake orgasms, camming offers something real, raw and relationship-based, which is especially alluring in a world where we’re increasingly connected via smartphones, but spend less and less time in face-to-face interactions. “Camming is helping us show a different version of ourselves—the human part,” as DeliciousAngel, a model on Stripcast, put it.</p><p dir="ltr">No form of sex work is without risk, of course, and even with safety measures like geoblocking and moderators who cleanse the trolls from cam sites, camming is still sex work, and hence not free of harassment or threats. “I've actually had to deal with some pretty serious <a href="http://theestablishment.co/trans-porn-star-takes-to-twitter-to-crowdsource-her-safety-f7621f7ba95">death threats last year that caused me to leave Cam4</a>,” says Chelsea Poe, a porn director, star and cammer, who mostly broadcasts on Chaturbate. </p><p dir="ltr">“Sex workers are often treated with less respect, up to and including people thinking that because their job may be to provide sexual entertainment, the laws of consent no longer apply,” says Rose Lee, who notes that cammers may be more prone to this than other online entertainers because of the social stigma of sex work and increased threats of violence.</p><p>Rose Lee is heartened, however, that the tide is changing. “The recent flood of people going public about Hollywood's sexual predators and speaking out about sexual misconduct in mainstream media is an important watershed moment for all industries. Hopefully that same outrage, support and momentum that the mainstream is rightfully getting will happen for the adult industry, too."</p><p dir="ltr">Indeed, almost all of the cam models I talked to agreed that moving online has made engaging in sex work easier and safer for them. Hopefully the trend will continue moving in that direction and camming will continue to work with models in order to foster independence, safety and protection. As DeliciousAngel put it, “We can be our own managers and casting directors. We can choose what we feel comfortable to do and what not to do...Camming is a step forward to realizing safer workplaces for people in the adult industry.”</p><script src="https://actionsprout.io/embed.js"></script><script>
<!--//--><![CDATA[// ><!--
window.ActionSproutEmbed('A399D2');
//--><!]]>
</script><!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2017 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1086918';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1086918"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Tue, 26 Dec 2017 08:18:00 -0800Anna Pulley, AlterNet1086918 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipswebcamsexpornporn industryfeminismsex workersWhy Does Lesbian Porn Dominate MILF, and Much More, in 10 Years Of Pornhub Datahttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/pornhub-data-popular-lesbians
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1082410';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1082410"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">&quot;Lesbian&quot; was the most popular search term. </div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_257038963.jpg?itok=fabbSXl0" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--><p dir="ltr">Not long ago, Pornhub celebrated its 10th anniversary by releasing <a href="https://www.pornhub.com/insights/10-years">10 years of data</a>, a riveting look at the habits and desires of porn viewers. Seventy-five million people visit the site each day, and it’s the 40th most trafficked website in the world. If you watched every video on Pornhub’s site, back-to-back, nonstop, it would take <a href="https://www.thecut.com/2017/06/pornhub-and-the-american-sexual-imagination.html">173 years</a>. </p><p dir="ltr">The most surprising takeaway from all of the reams of data (aside from the video game Overwatch finagling its way into the porn canon, jumping 452 spots in 2016!) is how lesbian porn has dominated the site for three years running, and is the most popular category of all time. Following behind girl-girl action are MILF, amateur and teen. From 2007 to 2010, amateur was the most popular category. It was replaced briefly by teen in 2011, then MILF from 2012-2014. But from 2015 on, the lesbians have been unstoppable.</p><p dir="ltr">In another data dump, Pornhub’s 2016 Year in Review, worldwide, “lesbian” was the most-searched term, and “lesbian scissoring” jumped 28 spots to make the top 20 overall.</p><p dir="ltr"><img src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/OJa7_1aN61I5eTupeNQxjo2l3iIXYIvGloGHSkVD2sifoO1H2NpPhgl3kvcxHntApvsoEEj3Wloe7ZS78fu7FPCR5uka3fkRyjDfPrXxv5XNc-15icppapE2IRA1e77ubEiOXPZ0" style="height: 595px; width: 500px;" /></p><p> </p><p dir="ltr">In Australia, Canada and the United Kingdom, “lesbian” was also number one, and in the U.K., “lesbian scissoring” and “lesbian seduces straight” leaped to the top 10 in searches.</p><p dir="ltr">What accounts for this domination (pardon the pun) of lesbian porn? Well, partly this is due to the rise of female porn viewers in general, of all sexual orientations. The number often thrown around these days is that one out of three women are looking at porn, which means a lot of straight-identified ladies are jerkin’ to the Birken(stocks). Some queer women are also watching, surely, but the numbers are too high to assume that they make up the minority of viewers.</p><p><img alt="pornhub-insights-10-years-categories.jpg" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/nFlyU7TcFiRk61qXYf1Aiel77dHMprtNd8k8VePd60uImRzoFBzyzzj9BwyknL3YEnRo6MXJc76B2hGvfHgiVhg3xufVG3TYeDclsGMGSIta6klTCkuQHeMoTqIELYwRbpycG20Z" style="height: 210px; width: 500px;" /></p><p>Though Pornhub does not screen for sexual orientation (its algorithm may be good, but so far it can’t peer into our identities, yet), the term “lesbian” reigned supreme in women’s searches across the board. Other similar terms women searched for included “lesbian scissoring,” “lesbian seduces straight” and “lesbian threesome”—basically anything girl-on-girl would do.</p><p dir="ltr">Men also searched for lesbian porn, but compared to men, women were far more likely to polish the pearl to, well, someone named Pearl. Interestingly, women were also more interested in “ebony lesbians eating pussy” (906 percent higher than men); “lesbian squirt” (321 percent higher); and “lesbian strap-on” (272 percent).</p><p dir="ltr">Women are also 369 percent more likely to search “pussy licking” than men are. And perhaps unsurprisingly, women are 218 percent more likely to search “female friendly.”</p><p dir="ltr">If you’re curious, “MILF” is the number one searched term for men, followed very closely by everything stepfamily related—including “step mom” (number 1), “stepsister,” “mom,” and “stepmom and son.” We could perhaps blame "Game of Thrones" for this, but that is another article. (Very quickly though, Pornhub also analyzed the impact "Game of Thrones" had on its page views and found that the season 7 premiere correlated with a 4.5 percent drop in traffic. “That’s a considerable change in visitors,” Pornhub Insights notes, “as Sunday night is one of the <a href="https://www.pornhub.com/insights/pornhubs-fappyhour">most popular times</a> for people to visit.”)</p><p>Also contributing to the sapphic searching is the popularity of the porn stars themselves. Lisa Ann, who shows up in over 1,000 lesbian videos on Pornhub alone, was the most viewed performer of the last 10 years, with more than 1 billion views on her scenes. Following Ann is Riley Reid, who also shows up in more than 1,000 lesbian clips (and has 771 million views). Madison Ivy was number 3, who turns up in 1,200 lesbian videos (and whose videos have 650 million hits). Fans who feel connected to certain porn performers will specifically seek them out and watch whatever they may be performing in that day. The ubiquity of social media helps to foster this connection. Porn performers often have massive social media followings, and as one former performer, Raylin Joy (aka Skin Diamond), <a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/conversations-with-porn-stars-life-after-leaving-the-industry-a7464161.html">said</a>, of how to make it in porn today:</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr">“If you are going to be big in the porn industry you have to be really connected with your fans. That is the one thing that your fans cannot pirate, that one-on-one experience via social media and having a website and doing cam shows. Instead of just doing scenes now, you have to do everything.”</p></blockquote><p dir="ltr">Here in the United States, we make up a whopping 40 percent of Pornhub’s traffic, but other countries are catching up to us. Helping to keep lesbian porn on top around the globe in particular are women in Brazil. Brazilian ladies topped Pornhub’s charts with the most female viewers (35 percent) visiting the site, tying with the Philippines, the reigning champ. In Brazil, “lesbian” was the second most-searched term, with “Brazilian lesbian” also making the top 10. And “lesbian licking” was the number 1 top gaining search (+459 percent) in the country.</p><p dir="ltr">“Women appear to be more in control of their sexuality and what excites them. It’s interesting to note that the majority of the countries where female viewership is the highest are democratic countries” Pornhub’s Dr. Laurie said in the report. “This trend will hopefully continue, to the point where women have as much control of their sexuality as men.”</p><p dir="ltr">Why do women like to watch other women get it on? A straight-forward (but not straight) reason is that women enjoy watching porn that focuses on female pleasure. Unlike the vast majority of boy-girl porn, which is fixated on male pleasure, male desire, and male points of view, girl-girl porn gets off on women getting off. Pornhub’s data backs the female-pleasure angle up. For instance, massage porn, another genre that explicitly takes its cues from female pleasure, has been steadily rising since 2010 and is now one of Pornhub’s top 10 search terms in the U.S. Plus, Pornhub’s “Massage Rooms” channel is consistently among the most popular on the site. For the uninitiated, massage porn basically entails a woman getting a massage with a happy ending. Sometimes you don’t even see the masseuse—he or she is just a pair of disembodied (but helpful!) hands.</p><p dir="ltr">Lesbian porn also appeals to women because it focuses on sex acts that women often get off to in real life, like oral and manual stimulation, which again, tend to not be seen in the average boy-girl wham-bam-spank-you-ma’am-money-shot skin flick. In addition, lesbian porn clips include the oft-forgotten act known as foreplay, including kissing and fondling, which women enjoy, whereas straight porn often skips all that in favor of making a beeline to the beej.</p><p dir="ltr">The porn industry has taken notice of the popularity of lesbian porn, and works with skin sites to give users what they want. Seven percent of Pornhub’s videos fall into the “lesbian” category, making it the most popular category overall, hence, porn studios are submitting more lesbian content to Pornhub, to keep pace with the user-generated (amateur and other) lesbian content. As Corey Price, Pornhub’s vice president told the <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/07/08/straight-women-lesbian-porn_n_7689072.html">Huffington Post</a>, “We have noticed our content partners have been uploading more lesbian content than ever before.”</p><p>Because I am a woman, and Pornhub knows its analytics, the site often tries to entice me into watching lesbian porn, putting lesbian clips in the top of my feed, in the sidebars, and so on. Even though I very rarely watch any girl-girl porn, this doesn’t stop Pornhub from showing me that it’s extremely available. In this way, Pornhub may be stacking the deck in favor of its most popular categories. A friend recently told me that he notices Pornhub shows him a lot of incest videos (which makes sense, because that was the most popular category for men in 2016). He’s not into it, the way I’m not into girl-girl porn, but we started to wonder: How much of our porn-viewing habits are created because Pornhub puts a desire in front of us over and over again?</p><p dir="ltr">“We license content from studios based on our users’ viewing habits,” Price <a href="https://www.thecut.com/2017/06/pornhub-and-the-american-sexual-imagination.html">said</a>, “We regularly send reports to our content partners featuring top searches in various regions so they can better cater to users.”</p><p dir="ltr">Let’s say a woman watches one “lesbian scissoring” video. The next time she visits the site, Pornhub will show her more lesbian scissoring videos, which she will probably watch because they are right there and she enjoyed it last time, which triggers still more lesbian scissoring videos to show up in her feed, and that leads to porn studios making more scissoring porn to fill the demand that is now rising.</p><p dir="ltr">Also worth mentioning in the realm of lesbian porn popularity is that the fantasy of two girls getting it on is a highly sought after prize in our culture. The <a href="http://www.alternet.org/story/150506/my_first_%28and_second_and_third_and_fourth...%29_threesome">female-female-male threesome is considered the Holy Grail of sex acts</a>, after all. And though women are not the target audience for these fantasies, they also aren’t immune to the messages they see and hear over and over again. It’s another feedback loop similar to Pornhub’s algorithms. Do you want what you want intrinsically or are you taught to want it?</p><p dir="ltr">Another reason that may add to the titillation of tits is that, for straight women, lesbian sex is still highly taboo, and hence forbidden and desirable, in the same way that incest porn is sought after. The taboo factor makes more sense when you consider that lesbian porn is proportionately more popular with women in the Bible belt, with the highest concentration of viewers in Mississippi, Georgia, Louisiana, and Alabama. Searches for lesbian porn decrease as we head toward the more liberal west in the United States, where lesbianism is less taboo.</p><p dir="ltr">Increased overall media representation of queer women also probably adds to the popularity of girl-girl porn. The more queer women we see in the media, the more it becomes less stigmatized. According to GLAAD’s 2016 “Where We Are on TV” report, of the recurring characters on broadcast scripted primetime programming, 4.8 percent were LGBTQ. “This is the highest percentage of LGBTQ series regulars GLAAD has ever found,” the report <a href="https://www.glaad.org/whereweareontv16">notes</a>.</p><p dir="ltr">Bisexual representations, in particular, rose 30 percent, up ten percentage points from 2015. Bisexual representations also rose on streaming series, like Netflix and Amazon, from 20 percent to 26 percent. And bisexual women far outnumber bisexual men on every platform. (It should also be said that LOTS of queer characters die on TV shows—more and more each year, in fact. In my more absurd moments, I wonder if certain people are turning to lesbian porn because they know that the leads won’t be killed off—only jilled off.)</p><p dir="ltr">Women don’t only love to jerk it to ladies, of course. We’re also big fans of guy-guy porn. In fact, women make up 37 percent of Pornhub’s gay-male porn viewers. That’s almost half! One can conclude that, regardless of sexual orientation, women like to watch same-sex people get it on. Similarly to girl-girl porn, in gay porn, the performers also seem to be actually enjoying themselves, which is not always the case in boy-girl porn. It’s hot to watch videos in which both/all people are enjoying themselves, even if what they’re doing isn’t necessarily the kind of sex the viewer wants to be having in real life.</p><p dir="ltr">At the rate that lesbian smut is going, it seems unlikely that it will be swept under the rug anytime soon. We’re far too busy enjoying other rug-based activities. Long may they reign.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2017 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1082410';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1082410"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Wed, 13 Sep 2017 07:14:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1082410 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipspornpornhubdesiresexlesbian9 Surprising Reasons Why You Should Be Watching Pornhttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/9-reasons-watch-online-erotica
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1081602';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1081602"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Does porn have any redeeming benefits?</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/untitled_design_66.jpg?itok=Ystdm65C" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">There’s no question that porn gets a lot of things <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/10-things-porn-gets-horribly-wrong-about-women-and-sex">wrong</a> about <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/10-things-porn-gets-horribly-wrong-about-men">sex</a>. These days, we can’t throw a nipple clamp out of a window without it landing on a study claiming porn is ruining humanity in some way (and probably condemning you for littering). Perhaps a telling example of this is that I typed “porn is” into Google and this was the only suggestion:</p><div alt="" class="media-image" height="112" style="width: 600px; height: 87px;" width="776"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="112" style="width: 600px; height: 87px;" width="776" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/porn_google_search.jpg" /></div><p dir="ltr">Some say porn negatively affects men’s feelings toward women, leads to affairs and addiction, and can even adversely impact users’ attention span and memory.</p><p dir="ltr">It remains to be seen what kind of long-term impacts porn will have on us (and the upcoming smartphone generations who now have 24/7 access to porn), but little is said about porn’s redeeming benefits. What, if any, are the ways that porn is good for us?</p><p dir="ltr">Let’s, as they might say in a porn, go deep.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Does porn make men see women as objects?</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Who knows? I’m just a table who somehow knows how to type.</p><p dir="ltr">I kid, I kid. But let’s not forget that we have treated women like objects for CENTURIES, long before cheerleaders began having frolicsome locker room orgies. Can we really say that porn is the cause of this objectification? Is it leading to more widespread abuse? Or is something deeper at play?</p><p dir="ltr">According to the <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/04/porn-culture/477099/">Atlantic</a>, the ubiquitousness of porn has correlated with a drastic decline in sexual abuse toward women. In fact, as pornography’s accessibility has exploded (from 1990 or so), sexual assault rates have gone down—by 55% in the last 20 years, according to the <a href="http://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/cv13.pdf">National Crime Victim Survey</a>. “There is no more extreme or pernicious act of using and abusing women as sexual objects rather than treating them as humans. And to get rape rates as low as porn-saturated 2013 and 2014, you’ve got to go back to the 1970s.”</p><p dir="ltr">Furthermore, in a 2009 <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19665229">paper</a> published in the International Journal of Law and Psychiatry, Milton Diamond reviewed a broad number of studies that have explored the supposed ill effects of pornography. He concluded, "If anything, there is an inverse causal relationship between an increase in pornography and sex crimes. ... No such cause and effect has been demonstrated with any negative consequence."</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Porn increases sexual and overall satisfaction.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">This may sound simple, but watching porn tends to, well, make people feel good.</p><p dir="ltr">A 2008 <a href="http://www.springerlink.com/content/am2504138130456g/">study</a> by researchers studying hardcore porn’s effects on Danish men and women <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/homo-consumericus/201001/pornography-beneficial-or-detrimental">found</a> that “respondents construed the viewing of hardcore pornography as beneficial to their sex lives, their attitudes towards sex, their perceptions and attitudes towards members of the opposite sex, toward life in general, and overall.”</p><p dir="ltr">The paper’s abstract ends with: “We conclude that the overall findings suggest that many young Danish adults believe that pornography has had primarily a positive effect on various aspects of their lives.”</p><p dir="ltr">The next time anyone mentions “self-care” to you, perhaps you should consider increasing your life satisfaction by engaging in some hand-to-gland combat.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Porn encourages masturbation.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">In spite of persistent myths and false information (blindness, hairy palms, etc.) research has consistently shown that <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stress-and-sex/201401/touchy-subject-the-health-benefits-masturbation">masturbation is healthy</a>, increases one’s fertility, and can even make us better partners (because people who masturbate are taking care of their own sexual needs). And what facilitates masturbation better than porn?</p><p dir="ltr">What about my rich, interior sexual imagination, you ask? That’s all well and good, but for the 99% of us who aren't <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Am%C3%A9lie">Amélie</a>, we need a little extra help.</p><p dir="ltr">Need more reasons? According to <a href="http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/sex-101/masturbation-23901.htm">Planned Parenthood</a>, masturbation releases sexual tension, reduces stress, helps you sleep better, improves your self-esteem and body image, helps treat sexual problems, relieves menstrual cramps and muscle tension, and strengthens muscle tone in your pelvic and anal areas, thus reducing women’s chances for UTIs, incontinence, and other fun things like “uterine prolapse.” In men, masturbation helps reduce the <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3072021.stm">risk of prostate cancer</a>.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Porn is a form of safe sex.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Unlike physical sex, watching porn spreads no diseases, leads to zero pregnancies, and doesn’t engage with vicious judgments like slut-shaming (unless, you know, you’re into that). Plus, using porn to satisfy one’s sexual needs is safe, free-to-cheap, and convenient. And it can even be used as a sex aid for IRL sex, as many couples can attest.</p><p dir="ltr">“Porn can actually help foster emotional and sexual intimacy,” says <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stacey-nelkin/5-reasons-why-watching-po_b_2766968.html">psychologist David Schnarch</a>, author of <em>Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing Your Relationship</em>. “A significant portion of our work in helping couples develop a deeper sexual connection is through erotic images. Erotica, as well as couples’ own masturbatory fantasies, can be useful tools for helping them develop as adults.”</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Porn makes you better at math.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Even if you’re not masturbating, simply watching porn or reading erotica helps alleviate stress. In possibly <a href="http://www.menshealth.com/health/how-hot-women-help-you-de-stress">the best study</a> in existence from Carnegie Mellon, researchers forced men to look at semi-erotic photos (think Victoria’s Secret catalogs) and then take a math test. Results showed that the men who looked at erotic photos actually did a lot better on the test than men who had, I guess, flipped through <em>Better Homes and Gardens</em>.</p><p dir="ltr">Why? Looking at semi-erotic pictures reduced men’s cortisol (the stress hormone) by half. Lower stress = better concentration (and better mental performance in general). This is also true of women, so ladies, the next time you find yourself faced with a long division problem, perhaps you should pick up that <em>Fifty Shades of Grey</em> novel.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>6. Porn helps to normalize desires.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Do you enjoy getting off to women farting on cakes? What about popping balloons between your legs? Dressing up as pandas? Harry Potter? Ronald McDonald? Do you like having sex with your car? If you can conceive of a desire, there’s an extremely good chance that internet porn exists to accommodate it.</p><p dir="ltr">This cornucopia of xxx-rated images and videos helps to eradicate sexual stigma and reduce shame by showing would-be-wankers that they aren’t alone, that they’re desires are legitimate, and that, while certain fetishes may not be as popular as others, they are out there, nevertheless, and this is a good thing.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>7. Mainstream porn gave rise to awesome, queer, diverse, indie porn.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">No one questions that mainstream porn has a <a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/2014-12-18/representation-in-porn-or-a-lack-thereof-and-why-it-matters/">lot</a> <a href="http://www.xojane.com/sex/chelsea-poe-shemale-slur-petition">of</a> <a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/03/05/interracial-sex-still-taboo-for-many-porn-stars.html">shortcomings</a>—but one amazing upside of mainstream porn’s profound lack is that we now have tons of sex-positive, feminist, queer, indie, hairy, nonbinary, body-positive, and ethical porn to choose from. Sites like the <a href="http://crashpadseries.com/queer-porn/crashpadseries/">Pink &amp; White Productions</a>, <a href="http://indiepornrevolution.com/">Indie Porn Revolution</a>, <a href="https://naughtynatural.com/models/">Naughty Natural</a>, <a href="http://www.pinklabel.tv/on-demand/studio/ftm-fucker/">FTM F**ker</a>, and many others are changing the porn game, allowing new, diverse desires to be seen and enjoyed and wanked to.</p><p dir="ltr">Plus, as I have <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/how-make-your-own-hot-diy-porn">written</a> before, DIY porn is also seeing its day in the sun, with directors like Madison Young urging folks to get behind (and in front of) the camera. "We can't wait for the mainstream to represent our stories and our sexuality in a way that is authentic and resonates with us," Young told me in a previous interview. “It's up to us—the artists, the activists, to care about and create change for the cultural advancement of our communities, and the way in which we are represented as individuals and sexual beings.”</p><p dir="ltr">There’s no better way I can think to stick it to the man than by sticking it to yourself and supporting indie artists and entrepreneurs.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>8. Porn helps you figure out what turns you on.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">How do sexual beings find out what they like in bed? Unless you are one of the few liars, excuse me, <em>people</em> who only jerk it while thinking of their monogamous partner, you’re probably getting your fantasy fodder from porn and erotica. It is, after all, like masturbation, one of the tools at our disposal to find out what turns us on.</p><p dir="ltr">This is especially true for folks with non-mainstream desires, like queer people, kinksters, and those into BDSM. Uninitiated masochists don’t just wake up one day, throw on a ball gag and a rodeo clown outfit, and head down to their local dungeon for some impact play and some needling. Porn is one of the ways we educate ourselves about ourselves, our desires, our hard-nos, our hard-ons, what delights us, what disgusts us, and what disgusts us in a way that actually maybe we might sort of like with the right person in the right circumstance.</p><p dir="ltr">It’s a safe, judgment-free way to explore, expand our horizontal horizons, and learn about the wild, wild world of arousal.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>9. Porn is entertaining.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Without the existence of smut, this <a href="http://indifferent-cats-in-amateur-porn.tumblr.com/">Tumblr of indifferent cats</a> in amateur porn also would not exist. Is that really a world you want to live in?</p><p dir="ltr">And neither would “<a href="http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/work-safe-porn">safe for work</a>” porn, whereby porn stills are digitally altered to appear as if porn performers are, say, enjoying a cola, shaving a poodle, or helping Santa Claus deliver some presents.</p><p dir="ltr">Then there’s <a href="http://blackboardsinporn.blogspot.com/">Blackboards in Porn</a>, whereby a person analyzes the math equations, grammar lessons, and other writing on blackboards in the backgrounds of porn videos. E = MC BARED</p><p dir="ltr">And let’s not forget <a href="http://justanotherikeacatalog.tumblr.com/">Just Another IKEA Catalog</a>, a Tumblr dedicated to “Scandinavian modern style furniture and accessories in amateur pornography.” The list goes on and on.</p><p> </p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2017 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1081602';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1081602"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Fri, 25 Aug 2017 10:06:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1081602 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsCulturePersonal HealthSex & Relationshipssex lifepornsafe sexmasturbationonline pornography12 Pieces of Hilariously Terrible Relationship Advice From WikiHow (Plus Illustrations!)https://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/12-pieces-hilariously-terrible-relationship-advice-wikihow-plus-illustrations
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1066966';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1066966"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">&quot;I literally cannot contain my excitement.&quot;</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_298038407.jpg?itok=Vgswt6Vc" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--><p dir="ltr">A few weeks ago, we shared with you the <a href="https://t.co/p4djcmlxnD">most laughable</a> lesbian advice from WikiHow, the website that teaches us “how to do anything.” It turns out that queer ladies aren’t the only ones subjected to WikiHow’s extremely sincere, occasionally nonsensical and absurdly obvious advice (with illustrations!). Read on to learn <a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Your-Relationship-Work">how to</a> make your relationship work with baked goods, math and by not having important conversations at rock concerts.</p><p dir="ltr">Here are 12 of the most ridiculous morsels we could find, and a little commentary to put it in perspective.</p><div dir="ltr"><strong>1. “You should work on sharing hobbies, whether you bake desserts every Sunday, or find a TV show that no one likes but you two.”</strong></div><div dir="ltr"> </div><div dir="ltr">Fifty-year anniversary speech: “...and it all would’ve fallen apart for me and Steve if it hadn’t been for 'Toddlers and Tiaras.'”</div><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. “Make time for fun for fun's sake. Not everything you do as a couple has to make you more interesting or talented.”</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Removes tap-dancing shoes and clown makeup with UTTER SIGH OF RELIEF.*</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. “There's nothing wrong with sharing a pitcher of beer and hitting up a local pool table once in a while.”</strong></p><p dir="ltr"><img src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/E-gw66OHc4P0swdsx9ZfNNBW3QkWWwcz6MBJQMNJ9y7afFThvOe7QfNVv0MAJOMYxgOehWvzHC8ZeyZr_4KVTypbM5jFqTG8E9AsrxP0rZs5e97q-mMCElkR88nqtMgkanwO5iv6" style="height: 320px; width: 400px;" /></p><p dir="ltr">4. “<strong>It's important to stand up for what you believe in—but only to a point. If you're sick of sushi but your girlfriend has been dying to try the new Japanese place on date night, give in but ask if you can pick the movie. But always remember that it's important that both people are willing to make a sacrifice.”</strong></p><div dir="ltr">“To sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying.” —<em>Joan of Arc, convincing her boyfriend to try sushi</em></div><div dir="ltr"> </div><p dir="ltr"><img src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/86Juv-0ZBHfIgHMMxBNx2EvESJDf5EL42jNgliHnGrG-StVzPM099IKuHcBE0_2ttj3GhsXAplWbxb0j3eQdBo56evupl-W1DHvT6mdLDW2FAh5E5qkwlazdlJqkdVDVkRpx_O_8" style="height: 318px; width: 400px;" /></p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. “Even if all of your friends and their pet fish are getting married, it does not mean that you are ready to take the plunge.”</strong></p><p dir="ltr"><img src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/Gt2S9j3W4qlRa1tXMSBDHH7Oz444gozP2VZZ5F4W4s3YdxTZ4kClaa3glB1EqFq5XzIulw1oiNdgAXGs1GZJQ7AoRxmEWcBZm4Ink7tA1c5k3VAauk-5sySRC5KwpwF_oGozM66t" style="height: 316px; width: 400px;" /></p><p dir="ltr"><strong>6. “Don't be too confrontational. Try saying, ‘There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about,’ instead of, ‘We have to have a talk—now!’ </strong><strong>This will still show that what you have to say is important, but will cut down on the drama.”</strong></p><p dir="ltr"><img src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/lheQ-7tYEufp7YblQsL5dFe3sAhcX0gRAAJohQpWy7gmdF-6qmb-8iMsoArL_Q7cDAdQpi2CAyIYy5rD7y5YXIUOXGBZAh-SncBOw-9Gkpob_0OTHcCnek6xzYlpRVU_OG59k_Hn" style="height: 319px; width: 400px;" /></p><p dir="ltr"><strong>7. “Compliment your significant other at least once a day. For bonus points, find something new to say every time!”</strong></p><p dir="ltr"><img src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/x-VdPa84AaPC6ekzfVrRqmF_KhD-VErLY1sWH2anyRGrcAf9zo8JWgEo5Scg4JTXxqDUgt-mX4XVAO-MRE8DIWSxCET04uf7nJaVEV7wfGXRqca3kZWQkhfuaaU3RumRq2av7_bg" style="height: 239px; width: 400px;" /></p><div dir="ltr"><strong>8. “Remember, relationships are a two-way street, so there should be two people involved.”</strong></div><div dir="ltr"> </div><div dir="ltr">If there aren’t, you’re probably dating that sock puppet again.</div><div dir="ltr"> </div><div dir="ltr"><strong>9.</strong> “<strong>A Healthy and Long Lasting Relationship is A relationship with trust.”</strong></div><p dir="ltr">And don’t Forget Weird and Inconsistent capitalizAtion.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>10. “Do not let your ego get to your head. You may be somebody others look up to, you may be someone who is highly regarded, but whatever happens outside of the relationship stays outside.”</strong></p><div dir="ltr">Much like this sentence should stay outside of your brain...because it makes zero sense.</div><div dir="ltr"><p><strong>11. “Review your expectations. Do you see your partner as a person, with both winning qualities and flaws, or as someone you expect to be perfect?”</strong></p><p>See sock puppet comment above.</p></div><div dir="ltr"><strong>12. “Communication is key ... you won't be able to have the conversation you want to have if you try to talk at a loud concert.”</strong></div><p dir="ltr"><img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-a6mdzpnqQf-oesDxDaDkVej18a_ul0iIXi6dYBwxm3Hjhfn7wqBdtayRE03TYJg5_txY1NFn4XxAVypZ0x8Pi0Vo4AIdb62EVIykO2FEI3GWIOOn1zsYmo2VTFfxupKGcUq8bdF" style="height: 316px; width: 400px;" /></p><div dir="ltr"> </div> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2016 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1066966';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1066966"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Mon, 14 Nov 2016 13:55:00 -0800Anna Pulley, AlterNet1066966 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipsrelationshipssexrelationship adviceWikiHowterrible adviceThe 10 Worst Pieces of Lesbian Advice From WikiHowhttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/10-worst-pieces-lesbian-advice-wikihow
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1065203';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1065203"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Time travel may be involved.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/lesbians.png?itok=Zt0DFuYK" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">If you’ve never sought advice from WikiHow or seen the hilarious illustrations that accompany it, then truly what is your life? The site, which claims it can teach people how to do “anything,” is painfully earnest, obvious, and at least in regard to personal relationship advice, often outright wrong. This is especially strange considering it’s often the first website that comes up when searching for advice (second only to Yahoo! Answers, which is written by sexually precocious third-graders).</p><p dir="ltr">Read on to learn the best of the worst WikiHow advice geared toward lesbians—and then do the opposite in your own life.</p><p dir="ltr">1. <a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Meet-Other-Lesbians">How to know if a girl is queer</a>.</p><p dir="ltr">"Look for obvious signs like meeting her at a LGBT rights dinner or her wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Lipstick Lesbian’ in her profile picture."</p><p dir="ltr">This is especially helpful if you’ve somehow time-traveled back to 1993 and don’t know how to get back to the present, but also are interested in dating since you may be stuck here forever.</p><p dir="ltr">2. <a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Meet-Other-Lesbians">Ask her about her boyfriend</a>.</p><p dir="ltr">“If you are shy, you can ask, ‘Are you here with your boyfriend?’ Hopefully, she will say, ‘No, I’m lesbian’ or at least just ‘no’ (which leaves open the possibility that she may be lesbian).”</p><p dir="ltr">If that doesn’t work, ask how often she flosses. If the answer is never, occasionally or frequently, SHE ALSO MIGHT BE A LESBIAN.</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div alt="" class="media-image" height="345" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="345" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/lesbian_1.png?itok=62B-B6PO" /></div><p dir="ltr">3. <a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Meet-Other-Lesbians">Where are the lesbians hiding? In church, duh</a>.</p><p dir="ltr">“Attend faith-based activities. Many religious organizations host events specifically to offer LGBT members the opportunity to socialize in a safe setting. Check with your local faith-based agencies to find out what opportunities they might have for you to meet other lesbians.”</p><p dir="ltr">Hello, Reverend! Do you have opportunities for me to meet lesbians? I read about this on the internet.</p><p dir="ltr">4. <a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Meet-Other-Lesbians">Make gay friends</a>!</p><p dir="ltr">“Get to know gay/lesbian friends! Even if you're not interested in them they can be good contacts for meeting people.”</p><p dir="ltr">Who cares if they’re assholes, at least they’re gay!</p><p dir="ltr">5. <a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-Your-Best-Friend-Is-a-Lesbian">How to tell if your best friend is a lesbian</a>.</p><p dir="ltr">“Consider her relationship history. A series of brief, noncommittal, or largely non-romantic relationships with men can indicate a lack of sexual interest in men….”</p><p dir="ltr">Are you f*cking a lot of men? There are literally no clearer signs that you are a lesbian.</p><p dir="ltr">“Alternatively they could indicate some other dysfunction or dysphoria.”</p><p dir="ltr">And everyone knows that lesbians be hella dysfunctional.</p><p dir="ltr">“Try to recall if she has had a sustained interest in the opposite sex if you have known her throughout puberty. Patterns of behavior or avoidance can indicate preference far more clearly than stated preferences.”</p><p dir="ltr">If you’re not, in fact, her childhood psychologist, DON’T WORRY. WE HAVE MORE ADVICE.</p><p dir="ltr">“Approach your friend with openings that establish the confidence and safety of your discussion. Some starter ideas include ‘You know I’m your friend and you can tell me anything,’ ‘I think you might be keeping something from me, are you attracted to women?’ or ‘You can trust me with anything, and I think you haven’t been honest with yourself about your feelings for other women.’”</p><p dir="ltr">Nothing says “safety” and “confidence” by starting with, “I think you have been keeping something from me, Susan!”</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div alt="" class="media-image" height="412" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="412" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/lesbian_2.png?itok=wT40DSSq" /></div><p dir="ltr">6. <a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Lesbian-Girlfriend">Have you heard of the internet</a>?</p><p dir="ltr">“If you aren’t already aware of any LGBT groups in your area, begin by searching the internet. Simply combine ‘LGBT,’ ‘groups,’ and the name of your city in the search box to get started.”</p><p dir="ltr">This yielded suicide hotline numbers, PFLAG memberships and homeless youth centers, but zero girlfriends. Where are they??? Come out, girlfriends.</p><p dir="ltr">Also: “Try looking in the newspaper and the phone book for LGBT resources that may be able to point you in the right direction.”</p><p dir="ltr">While you’re at it, send a fax to 1985 and order yourself 37 “lipstick lesbian” shirts to wear at all the LGBT rights dinners you’ll soon be attending.</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div alt="" class="media-image" height="363" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="363" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/lesbian_3.png?itok=OoNDC9q4" /></div><p dir="ltr">7. <a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Lesbian-Girlfriend">Hitting the bars</a>.</p><p dir="ltr">“Bring a straight cute girl with you as your wingman. Make it clear that you are not together.”</p><p dir="ltr">Yell and point, “She’s straight! Haha. I don’t have any other friends” any time a cute girl passes you. Or better yet, make your friend wear a sandwich board that says “Straight as this board! Unlike my friend here, who is totally not!”</p><p dir="ltr">8. <a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Lesbian-Girlfriend">Sealing the deal</a>.</p><p dir="ltr">“Exchange phone numbers with one girl per night. If you ask for numbers from several girls, others may think you are not serious dating material, and some may even find your behavior off-putting.”</p><p dir="ltr">(You slut.)</p><p dir="ltr">9. <a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Lesbian-Girlfriend">Is she into you</a>?</p><p dir="ltr">“Pay attention to what she's talking about. If she is sharing personal details about her life, this is another good indicator that she's interested in you...”</p><p dir="ltr">Or it’s an indication that she knows how to make basic small talk and is not, in fact, a medium-intelligent dolphin.</p><p dir="ltr">“The reason for this is that it makes her more attractive on a subconscious level.”</p><p dir="ltr">The reason she’s talking about her life is so you’ll be attracted to her SUBCONSCIOUSLY? WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT.</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div alt="" class="media-image" height="377" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="377" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/lesbian_4.png?itok=kU_3PUyH" /></div><p dir="ltr">“Listen to the pitch of her voice. In a recent study, scientists discovered that attracted individuals of either gender lowered the pitch of their voices when speaking to the person to whom they were attracted.”</p><p dir="ltr">If she finds it weird that you’re measuring the pitch of her voice with a frequency analyzer, don’t worry! You can only get one phone number anyway, slut.</p><p dir="ltr">“If you want to see her again, call to set up another date.”</p><p dir="ltr">Are you sure? Because I just took out this blimp ad....</p><p dir="ltr">“If she rejects you, do your best to take it gracefully. Tell her you wish her the best, and that you had a nice evening with her, but you respect her wishes. Then, tell her you have to get off the phone because you have some things to do.”</p><p dir="ltr">I have some things to do! Some things to do! God, I respect you. THINGS. Do you want to join my platonic feminist nihilist knitting collective, Knit Happens? NO NEVER MIND. I respect you.</p><p dir="ltr">10. <a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Lesbian-Girlfriend">Going all the way</a>!</p><p dir="ltr">“Ask her if she would be interested in being your girlfriend. After you have been going out for a while, and you feel comfortable with her, ask her what she thinks about having a more serious, committed relationship. Understand that she may say no, and try to be understanding. If she says yes, then it’s time to celebrate!”</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div alt="" class="media-image" height="342" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="342" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/lesbian_5.png?itok=HvMDZ3cb" /></div> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2016 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1065203';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1065203"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Mon, 17 Oct 2016 05:37:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1065203 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsCultureSex & RelationshipsWikiHowlesbiansadvicehumorsexuality7 Bizarre and Ridiculous Theories About What's Supposed to Cause Lesbianismhttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/7-bizarre-and-ridiculous-theories-about-whats-supposed-cause-lesbianism
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1060412';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1060412"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Oh, no wonder so many queer women are vegan. </div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/lesbianism.png?itok=Cdwpw128" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">Lesbian sex has been <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/lesbian-sex-haikus-cats">confounding</a> people since the dawn of cucumbers. Throughout history, many theories have been put forth as to why a woman might like another women that way—ranging from mild (perhaps your mother ate too much celery) to curious (planetary alignment) to downright insane (a growth from the womb leading to a pseudo-penis). Read on to learn the most bizarre theories as to why a woman might want to have sex with another woman, and what “cures” were recommended.</p><p><strong>1. Labial itching</strong></p><p>In "<a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/40663351?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">Medieval Arab Lesbians and Lesbian-Like Women</a>," from the Journal of the History of Sexuality, Amer Sahar mentions Galen, a second-century Greek physician, who wanted to understand why his daughter was a lesbian. So he examined his daughter’s nether bits, like you do, and concluded that her sexuality was due to "an itch between the major and minor labia." This itch, he theorized, could only be soothed by rubbing one’s labia against another woman's labia.</p><p>Well, if you insist, doctor.</p><p><strong>2. Hot vapors</strong></p><p>In a similar vein, ninth-century Muslim philosopher al-Kindi, postulated it wasn’t just itching that was to blame, but also vaporous heat: “Lesbianism is due to a vapor which, condensed, generates in the labia heat and an itch which only dissolve and become cold through friction and orgasm.”</p><p>Another orgasm with a woman as the cure? I guess we’ll take it. But why doesn’t sex with men reduce this “heat”?</p><p>“When friction and orgasm take place, the heat turns into coldness because the liquid that a woman ejaculates in lesbian intercourse is cold whereas the same liquid that results from sexual union with men is hot. Heat, however, cannot be extinguished by heat; rather, it will increase since it needs to be treated by its opposite. As coldness is repelled by heat, so heat is also repelled by coldness.”</p><p>Thank goodness for “frigid” women, amirite?</p><p><strong>3. Celery</strong></p><p>Elsewhere in the ninth century, and again according to Sahar’s article, some doctors from the Islamicate world thought lesbianism was “an inborn state caused by the mother's consumption of certain foods that, when passed through the milk during nursing, led to labial itching and lifelong lesbianism.”</p><p>Which foods provoke the lesbian itch? According to physician Yuhanna ibn Masawayh, also known as John Mesué, lesbianism “results when a nursing woman eats celery, rocket [arugula], melilot leaves, and the flowers of a bitter orange tree. When she eats these plants and suckles her child, they will affect the labia of her suckling and generate an itch which the suckling will carry through her future life."</p><p>Celery, arugula and orange flowers. No wonder so many queer women are vegan.</p><p><strong>4. Your brother’s penis</strong></p><p>In <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=HmQFFfa03nkC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=gay+straight+and+the+reason+why&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwijt8b2tvvNAhVQ9WMKHQ1NA6MQ6AEIHjAA#v=onepage&amp;q=freud%20female%20homosexuality&amp;f=false">Gay, Straight, and the Reason Why</a>, Simon LeVay discusses psychoanalytic theories surrounding the roots of homosexuality, with a snippet on, who else, Sigmund Freud. Freud’s ideas (very briefly summarized) about same-sex desire were mostly aimed at boys, who he thought developed a sexual fixation with their mothers from about three to five years old (the Oedipal complex). Those boys who get stuck in the Oedipal phase, he conjectured, head right to Brown Town, USGAY. </p><p>When Freud tried to explain female sexuality, his theories got even weirder. He wrote that girls also go through an Oedipal fixation phase with their mothers, but once they realize mom has no penis, a girl becomes fixated on her father instead and her mother becomes a rival. In one detailed case of female homosexuality, Freud writes that the birth of a girl’s younger brother, whose penis made a “strong impression” on her, turned her gay. Freud writes of the girl, “It was not she who bore the child, but her unconsciously hated rival, her mother. … Furiously resentful and embittered, she turned away from her father, and from men altogether.”</p><p>You hate your mother! But you’re weirdly mad that you aren’t pregnant … with your own sibling. Hence, BE GONE MEN, FOREVER. Let no penis ever make an impression on ye again. Or if an impression is made, let it be weak! Weak as this ridiculous theory.</p><p><strong>5. The occult and peer pressure</strong></p><p>This whole <a href="http://howafrica.com/10-reasons-women-go-into-lesbianism-youll-be-shocked-with-3-6-8/">article</a> reads like a fifth-grader’s diatribe, and I am quite positive English is not the writer’s first language, but of the more bizarre reasons listed as to why women “go into lesbianism,” it’s hard to beat voodoo and peer pressure.</p><p>“In Africa, we have many women who went in for voodoo to make money and usually some of the conditions [sic] is to have sex with women to make money and following the rules, they decide to have sex with other women. Most of these women are rich and lure young girls into the act.”</p><p>When in doubt, blame the witches. They do have all those cats, after all. But what about those not involved in the occult?</p><p>“Many women have ended up lesbians through friends who introduced them into it. Out of pressure, they succumbed to it and got addicted to the act. Usually when they break their virginity through this act, it becomes difficult to break out of it because the perception is, that’s the normal copulation until maybe they meet a man who shows them the difference.”</p><p>It’s like the Beatles warned, “I get bi with a little help from my friends.”</p><p><strong>6. “A growth from the mouth of the womb”</strong></p><p>A famous Italian surgeon in the medieval era, William of Bologna, <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=2pw-CgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA278&amp;lpg=PA278&amp;dq=William+of+Bologna+lesbianism&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=GW7kiN35Pi&amp;sig=wGPSf_XRTnWtl-Q9uFdg9aKAMic&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjzqKLa1v3NAhVX3GMKHWmTAhoQ6AEIHDAA#v=onepage&amp;q=William%20of%20Bologna%20lesbianism&amp;f=false">attributed lesbianism</a> to a “growth emanating from the mouth of the womb and appearing outside the vagina as a pseudopenis.” In <em>The Construction of Homosexuality</em>, David Greenberg wryly notes of William’s conjecture: “This was obviously not a notion derived from clinical observation.”</p><p>William’s bologna aside, the shape and size of a woman’s genitalia have been frequently policed, shamed and even surgically altered to conform with cultural norms. According to Paul Chrystal’s <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=reMgCwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA1990&amp;lpg=PA1990&amp;dq=%22Sexuality+in+the+Roman+Empire%22+richlin&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=DpN1N1_hR-&amp;sig=z8fZr1A7Hz-InPQL7sztr6AZoKs&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwj71a_c2v3NAhUP3WMKHaQ0CmQQ6AEIPjAF#v=snippet&amp;q=labia&amp;f=false">In Bed with the Romans</a>, female genital mutilation in ancient Rome was common, and performed in order to stop a girl from masturbating or to quell the “desire for intercourse driven by an unnaturally large clitoris.”</p><p><strong>7. Astrology</strong></p><p>The second-century mathematician, astronomer and geographer Claudius Ptolemy, best known for his geocentric (or Earth-centered) model explaining the structure of the universe, also had some opinions about sexual preference. Namely, that it was influenced by astrology, or “the configurations of heavenly bodies.” In a footnote in <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=2pw-CgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA278&amp;lpg=PA278&amp;dq=William+of+Bologna+lesbianism&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=GW7kiN35Pi&amp;sig=wGPSf_XRTnWtl-Q9uFdg9aKAMic&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjzqKLa1v3NAhVX3GMKHWmTAhoQ6AEIHDAA#v=onepage&amp;q=ptolemy&amp;f=false">The Construction of Homosexuality</a>, Ptolemy notes that certain planetary alignments can lead to “effeminacy” and “wantonness,” as well as make people “debauchers of women,” and “corrupters of youth.”</p><p>Is anyone else seeing a pattern here? Vegetables, witchcraft, astrology—lesbians love all these things. Perhaps in attempting to cure us of our beastly passions, these theorists inadvertently <em>reinforced them</em>. Or, at least gave us an excuse to blame everything on Mercury being in retrograde.</p><p>Now pass me some celery, I feel an itch coming on.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2016 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1060412';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1060412"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Tue, 19 Jul 2016 12:48:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1060412 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipslesbianslesbian sexThe Horrors of High Libido! Six Ways We've Used Drugs to Try to 'Cure' Women's Sexualityhttps://www.alternet.org/drugs/horrors-high-libido-six-ways-weve-used-drugs-cure-womens-sexuality
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Drugs and other &quot;remedies&quot; have been used throughout history to try to fix, suppress or destroy the scary condition known as female sexuality.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/alternet_sexylady.png?itok=QJY-3v01" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p><em>This article was originally published by <a href="http://theinfluence.org/" target="_blank">The Influence</a>, a news site that covers the full spectrum of human relationships with drugs. Follow The Influence on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/theinfluence.org/" target="_blank">Facebook</a> or <a href="https://twitter.com/TheInfluenceOrg" target="_blank">Twitter</a>.</em></p><p>Female sexuality makes a lot of people uncomfortable—historically, socially, culturally and medically. The reasons for viewing women’s bodies and desires as a problem in need of fixing are often strange and troubling.</p><p>Our libidos are never at the “appropriate” level, our desires for other women were once considered a disease (and are still frowned upon a great deal, despite considerable strides)—even our wombs were known to wander off. Plus, we are continually told that our genitals are the wrong size, shape, color, consistency—or, occasionally, that they are not hymen-y enough to pass muster. Even the word for our genitalia, <em>pudendum</em>, comes from the Latin word meaning <em>to be ashamed.</em></p><p>Even more bizarre than the lengthy list of lady maladies, however, are the so-called “cures.” These examples illustrate how drugs (and other medical “remedies”) have been used throughout history to try to fix, suppress or outright destroy the dangerous and scary condition known as female sexuality.</p><p><strong>1. Hysteria, or When Your Womb Won’t Stay Put</strong></p><p>The concept of a woman experiencing “hysterical disorders” (aka hysteria, aka “wandering womb syndrome”) has been around for ages. In fact, they date back to 1900 BC, when Egyptian texts put forth the idea that women’s uteruses were moving around inside their bodies, causing all kinds of unpleasant side effects, such as “erotic fantasy,” “excessive vaginal lubrication,” anxiety and nervousness, among other things.</p><p>The word “hysteria” comes from the Greek <em>hysterikos</em>, meaning “of the womb” or “suffering in the womb.” Despite the rather preposterous idea that women’s wombs were wandering around wreaking havoc, hysteria as a condition persisted for an embarrassingly long time. (“Hysteria” was removed from the<em> DSM</em> in 1952, but another version of it, “hysterical neurosis,” stayed in until 1980.) The <a href="http://www.motherjones.com/media/2012/05/hysteria-sex-toy-history-timeline">recommended cures</a> for roving wombs have included marriage, high-pressured water hoses sprayed directly onto the genitals, genital massage (often performed by doctors with dildos during the Victorian era), irritating suppositories, fragrant salves, mechanical horses and eventually, vibrators.</p><p>Aside from suppositories and herbal salves, Dover’s Powder, a compound of opium and ipecac was often a drug of choice for pain relief. Strychnia was also prescribed (you may know it as rat poison) for its use in stimulating the nervous system. A less poison-y remedy for nervousness and hysteria was Valerian (Jacob’s ladder), which you might know as the sleepy tea your mom is always trying to get you to try.</p><p>Unsurprisingly, treating hysteria turned a pretty profit for American businesses in the 19th century, and according to American hydrotherapist Russell Thacher Trall in 1873, three quarters of the $200 million raked in by the American medical professions annually, “our physicians must thank frail women for.”</p><p><strong>2. Birth Control and the Birth of the Douche</strong></p><p>The battle over a woman’s right to control her own body is long and often depressing (barring the recent <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/27/politics/supreme-court-abortion-texas/">SCOTUS decision on abortion</a>. Go SCOTUS!) Knowing that, it’s no surprise that many medical attempts have been made to curtail women’s reproductive rights. One of the weirder ones involves the use of Lysol as a form of birth control. In 1832, an American physician named Charles Knowlton <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/pill/timeline/">suggested douching</a> as a form of preventing pregnancy. After sex, women were supposed to inject a syringe full of watered-down salt, vinegar, liquid chloride, zinc sulfite or aluminum potassium sulfite into their vaginas.</p><p>After the Comstock law of 1873 declared contraception to be both obscene and illegal, douche manufacturers began selling their wares as feminine “hygiene” products. This proved to be wildly successful. In fact, from 1930 until 1960, the most popular <a href="http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=51170">contraceptive for women was Lysol </a>disinfectant. Though Lysol as a form of birth control has since been debunked, and douching has been proven to cause a host of medical problems, one in four women between the ages of 15 and 44 still douche, <a href="http://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/douching.html">according to</a> the Department of Health and Human Services.</p><p>Of course, it’s not all Bummer Town when it comes to contraception. The pill in the ‘60s revolutionized sex and birth control, along with the morning-after pill and IUDs. The pill wasn’t just another form of contraception, “it was an equalizer, a liberator, and easy to take,” as Letty Cottin Pogrebin a founding editor of Ms., put it <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/05/06/pogrebin.pill.roundup/">in an article for CNN</a>. “For the first time in human history, a woman could control her sexuality and determine her readiness for reproduction by swallowing a pill smaller than an aspirin.” Critics of the pill predicted that the newfound contraception would lead to a bevy of loose, immoral women running amok, but as Pogrebin noted, “what it spawned was generations of empowered women who are better equipped to make rational choices about their lives.”</p><p><strong>3. Same-Sex Desire</strong></p><p>Same-sex desire in women (and men) has long been considered a malady to be avoided, suppressed or terminated at all costs. “Curing” people of these “unnatural” urges has involved the bizarre (ride a <a href="http://www.glreview.org/article/article-42/">bicycle</a>!), the laughable (<a href="http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/queensland/inside-the-gay-cure-ministries-20111027-1mltf.html">hug or pray the gay away</a>), the disturbing (electroshock and conversion therapy and <a href="http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2014/05/16/gay_exorcisms_are_horrifying.html">exorcisms</a>, which still persist today), and the outright insane: In the 1960s a British psychologist attempted to “overdose” gay men by loading them up with nausea-inducing drugs, surrounding them with glasses of urine, and playing audio recordings of men having sex in hopes that they would “<a href="http://www.glreview.com/article.php?articleid=42">turn to women for relief</a>.”</p><p>Women who liked women did not fare any better than their male counterparts. In the 19th century, wealthy women were thought to be especially prone to lesbianism due to “sexual hyperesthesia [excessive sensitivity to stimuli].” In order to cure these women of such urges, one physician, Denslow Lewis, <a href="http://www.glreview.com/article.php?articleid=42">prescribed</a> “cocaine solutions, saline cathartics, the surgical ‘liberation’ of adherent clitorises, or even the administration of strychnine by hypodermic.”</p><p>What’s truly strange is that no one tried to “liberate” this physician’s head from his rectum.</p><p><strong>4. Low Libido</strong></p><p>Probably the most well-known lady sex “affliction” today is low desire. It has also been known as frigidity, hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), and Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder (FSIAD).</p><p>Thanks to Viagra’s success with men (along with its boner-buddies Cialis and Levitra), pharmaceutical companies have spent a pretty penny trying to come up with an equivalent arousal drug aimed at women. Thus far, they’ve failed, but that hasn’t stopped them from attempting to classify certain types of female desire and arousal as a disorder requiring medicalization.</p><p>There are lots of problems with the assumption that women need a pill to feel sexually “normal,” namely that no one can agree on what “low desire” is, whether it’s a physiological issue in the brain, a sociocultural/interpersonal one, or an issue at all, frankly, as in the case of asexuals. Perhaps the most eyebrow-raising concern in the quest to cure female arousal is the fact that female sexual dysfunction experts are almost all in bed (pardon the pun) with pharmaceutical companies. This <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/next/body/sexual-desire/">was pointed out</a> by journalist Ray Moynihan in his book Sex, Lies and Pharmaceuticals. He noted that when a group of experts met in 2000 to discuss updating the definition of female sexual dysfunction in the <em>DSM</em>, “95 percent of them had financial relationships with the drug companies hoping to develop drugs for the very same condition.”</p><p>Another issue with arousal drugs is that female desire is complex, responsive (as opposed to the spontaneous desire men often experience), and starts in the brain. Even when women are physically aroused, 90 percent of the time, our brains don’t register that arousal. The term for the disconnect between a woman’s genitals and brain is called <a href="http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2015/01/30/arousal-nonconcordance-in-two-minutes/">arousal nonconcordance</a>, and basically means that even when women are turned on physically, our brains have not gotten the memo, and desire doesn’t register.</p><p>With men, their genitals-to-brain overlap is 50 percent. Meaning when they are physically turned on, there’s a 50/50 chance they also <em>feel </em>turned on. With women, the vagina-to-brain overlap is only 10 percent, meaning the rest of the time our brains are like, “Whatever is happening down below isn’t sexually relevant to me. I’ll just keep looking at vacation getaways on Pinterest.”</p><p>That said, there are a number of sex drugs for women that aim to ramp up sexual desire, but most have been rejected by the FDA due to safety concerns and because they are just plain ineffective. Last year, however, the FDA approved <a href="http://bostonreview.net/wonders/anne-fausto-sterling-female-viagra-feminism-addyi">Addyi</a> (after rejecting it twice), also called flibanserin, which, unlike Viagra-esque drugs, <a href="http://www.fda.gov/downloads/AdvisoryCommittees/CommitteesMeetingMaterials/Drugs/DrugSafetyandRiskManagementAdvisoryCommittee/UCM449088.pdf">targets</a> two neurotransmitters in the brain instead of blood flow. Dopamine is one, which triggers the brain’s reward and pleasure centers. Norepinephrine is the other, which helps control our attention and our response to what’s happening in our environment.</p><p>But this too was deemed ineffective. Controlling for the placebo effect, Addyi’s effectiveness amounted to less than one extra session of satisfying sex each month, <a href="http://www.forbes.com/sites/davidkroll/2015/06/04/more-complicated-than-pink-viagra-what-you-should-know-about-flibanserin-addyi/">as <em>Forbes</em> reported</a>.</p><p><strong>5. Hormones</strong></p><p>Other female arousal drugs target hormones, namely testosterone. <a href="http://www.cenegenicsfoundation.org/library/library_files/Effects_of_Testosterone_Replacement_in_Androgen__Deficient_Women_with_Hypopituitarism___A_Randomized__Double_Blind__Placebo_Controlled_Study.pdf">Some research</a> indicates that testosterone therapy leads to improved desire and pleasure, but the concept of “androgen deficiency” remains highly controversial, difficult to measure, and full of <a href="http://drperlmutter.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/nejmoa0707302.pdf">safety concerns</a>.</p><p>If you’d rather get your arousal by spraying testosterone up your nose, there’s a nasal spray for that (Tefina), as well as a gel applied to the arm (Libigel), and over-the-counter testosterone drugs based on DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone). As no testosterone products have thus far received the government thumbs-up, some women are using lower doses of <a href="http://sex.sagepub.com/content/9/3/363.abstract">off-label testosterone products geared toward men</a>, despite not knowing the long-term risks associated with doing so.</p><p>Thanks to celebrity endorsements from the likes of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kEffjzrlLQ">Oprah Winfrey</a>, <a href="http://www.suzannesomers.com/products/the-sexy-years-discover-the-hormone-connection-the-secret-to-fabulous-sex-great-health-and-vitality-for-women-and-men">Suzanne Somers</a>, and <a href="http://www.oprah.com/health/Excerpt-from-Whats-Age-Got-To-Do-With-It-by-Robin-McGraw">Robin McGraw</a> (Dr. Phil’s wife), bioidentical hormone replacement therapy has become <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bella-ellwoodclayton/womens-health_b_4450398.html">a drug of choice</a> for American women to treat menopausal symptoms like vaginal dryness, and also for improved “sex drive, vitality, and beauty.” As noted in the <em><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bella-ellwoodclayton/womens-health_b_4450398.html">Huffington Post</a>, </em>the risks involved with bioidenticals is that “we do not know the risks: No studies exist on their long-term effects. Also, when drugs are compounded at a pharmacy, quality-control standards are brought into question.”</p><p><strong>6. High Libido</strong></p><p>That’s right, wanting <em>too much</em> sex has also historically been considered a problem in women. Other names the affliction goes by include nymphomania, hypersexuality and sex addiction. In <a href="http://brainblogger.com/2012/04/20/from-nymphomania-to-hypersexuality/">the Victorian era</a>, it was described as “female pathology of over-stimulated genitals” and an “illness of sexual energy levels gone awry, as well as the loss of control of the mind over the body.” Women were once classified as nymphos for doing unheard of things like having a child out of wedlock or being caught masturbating.</p><p>Like lesbianism, the horrifying “remedy” for high libido in the Victorian era was often to surgically remove a woman’s clitoris, most likely against her will. As Martha Coventry described in an <a href="http://www.msmagazine.com/oct00/makingthecut.html">article</a> for Ms., Isaac Baker-Brown, one-time president of the Medical Society of London, promised that after a clitoridectomy, “intractable women became happy wives; rebellious teenage girls settled back into the bosom of their families; and married women formerly averse to sexual duties became pregnant.”</p><p>In terms of drug treatments, hypersexuality today is viewed as more of an impulse control problem, in the way that OCD is not considered a “hand-washing problem,” and is <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/compulsive-sexual-behavior/basics/treatment/con-20020126">commonly treated</a> with antidepressants (SSRIs) and mood stabilizers (which also treat bipolar disorder).</p><p>One of the strangest side effects of medication affecting sexual functioning comes from the recent case of <a href="http://www.snopes.com/risque/aphrodisiacs/yawn.asp">clomipramine</a>, an antidepressant, in which a small percentage of patients reported experiencing spontaneous orgasms when they yawned. Curiously, the drug had the opposite effect in most other patients, who said they had a marked lack of sexual desire, a common side effect among those who take antidepressants.</p><p>These examples aren’t meant to dismiss the fact that some women experience real distress over their sexual desires, identities, and behaviors. But if there is to be a viable, lasting solution to the many struggles women endure in the bedroom (and out of it), it’s not going to be found in a little pink pill.</p><p>Sexuality is vast, finicky, and complex, and we owe it to women to address the many cultural, media and medical messages that tell us we are dirty, worthless, shameful and otherwise “wrong.”</p><p>Also, we’d like to bring back the vibrating horse please.</p><p> </p> Fri, 15 Jul 2016 11:24:00 -0700Anna Pulley, The Influence1060208 at https://www.alternet.orgDrugsDrugsLGBTQPersonal Healthfemale sexualitydrugslibidonymphomanialesbianismbirth controldoucheHow to Win at OKCupidhttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/how-win-okcupid
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1056759';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1056759"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">There is actually a science to sending messages that get you a reply. </div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/2061329074_05077d0272_z.jpg?itok=A2IFBOAL" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--><p>Why do some online dating messages get replies and others fall flat? Partly it has to do with how well you present yourself in your profile, but there is actually a science to sending messages that get better reply rates. Read on to learn the dos and don'ts of sending a first message on OkCupid.</p><p><b>Don’t be hella slangy, yo</b></p><p>Slang words and acronyms are great for text messages and G-chats with friends, but when it comes to pursuing your dream guy or gal, they have the opposite effect. Avoid words that make you seem illiterate, such as:</p><p>wat</p><p>ur (and its equivalent, u r)</p><p>realy</p><p>luv</p><p>ya</p><p>wuzzup</p><p><img alt="" src="http://www.alternet.org/files/screen_shot_2016-05-18_at_2.42.13_pm.png" style="height: 354px; width: 400px;" typeof="foaf:Image" /></p><p>Make sure your message is actually readable and not full of errors and embarrassing spelling faux pas. If you struggle with spelling, run your message through Google Doc’s spell check (it’s under the Tools tab). This extra five seconds of effort might make all the difference.</p><p><b>Do NOT comment on their bodies</b></p><p>Compliments are nice, right? WRONG. Avoid remarking on the person’s physical appearance (that means no “gorgeous,” “sexy,” “pretty,” “hot,” etc.). And definitely don’t mention any body parts—not even innocuous ones like eyes.</p><p>Messages that talk about a person’s body (and men, I’m mostly looking at you here, though women are not completely innocent) come off as insincere, catcall-ish, and just kind of <i>ick</i>. Even if your intentions are well-meaning and this gal has the kind of collarbones that would launch a thousand boners, don’t say it. Besides, she knows you think she’s attractive. You wouldn’t be writing to her otherwise.</p><p><b>What should you focus on, then?</b></p><p>Compliment things she does or likes. That means her style, music choices, hobbies, excellent taste in obscure French philosophy—whatever you’ve gleaned from her profile that strikes you as interesting. If it’s something you have in common, even better.</p><p>This is not only an effective way to get to know someone, it also gives the other person fodder to respond. “U R pretty” does not.</p><p>According to OkTrends (OkCupid’s data blog), some of the most successful messages included words like “zombie,” “band,” “metal,” and “vegetarian.”</p><p><img alt="" src="http://www.alternet.org/files/screen_shot_2016-05-18_at_2.43.22_pm.png" typeof="foaf:Image" /></p><p>Does this mean you should write about zombies? No. It means those words were associated with the messagee’s interests and that’s part of why the person wrote back.</p><p><b>Be specific</b></p><p>Actually <i>read</i> the person’s profile and pick out a few specific details to comment upon. If all of his pictures are of him windsurfing, and you write to him with a generic “I like sports!” it won’t be effective. The person you want to see naked took the time to describe himself in detail. The least you can do is read about his likes and interests for five minutes.</p><p><b>Be memorable</b></p><p>Don’t be afraid to get a little weird with your messages. A gal once wrote to me with a story about PT Cruisers and I found it weirdly endearing.</p><p>Stories (short ones, that is—don’t go on and on) are very effective ways to connect to other humans. Even if (especially if) they’re a little embarrassing and/or make you feel somewhat vulnerable.</p><p>Did your dream babe’s profile remind you of something funny that happened to you recently or when you were a kid? Share it.</p><p>Or cheat by recounting a brief story you often tell (one you know works/makes people laugh) and relate it to something about her profile. “Nice Halloween picture! One time I dressed as a slutty lobster for Halloween. It was great except I couldn’t hold any beverages with my claws and a friend dressed as ZomBeyonce had to feed me drinks all night.”</p><p>Or: “I see you traveled to Greece! My friend and I hitchhiked up Mount Olympus and got a ride from a Catholic priest who ended up offering us dinner, which we shared with some super sweet nuns.”</p><p>And so on. Any story that reveals something about you (bonus if it’s funny or weird) will make you stand out.</p><p><b>Have realistic expectations</b></p><p>Dudes: The average reply rate of men-to-women messages is <b>27 percent.</b> Women are inundated with messages online, especially if they are attractive. Recognize that the odds are stacked against you somewhat and adjust your realities accordingly.</p><p>But! It’s not hopeless. If you invest the time to send someone a literate message tailored to their likes, desires and interests, you should start seeing better results.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2016 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1056759';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1056759"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Thu, 19 May 2016 11:40:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1056759 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsCultureLGBTQSex & RelationshipsOK Cupidok cupid messagesonline datingdatingrelationshipssexLesbian Sex Haikus (With Cats!)https://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/lesbian-sex-haikus-cats
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1056447';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1056447"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">A few samples of AlterNet&#039;s favorite sex and relationship writer Anna Pulley&#039;s hilarious and poignant poetry from her new book.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/cats.png?itok=e8Hxjfuo" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--><p><em>Editor's note: Anna Pulley is one of the best sex and relationship writers going and a much-appreciated contributor to AlterNet. She has just published her debut book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1250072646/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=1250072646&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=annapulley-20&amp;linkId=MW6GBFNPPWD4TDQM">The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!)</a>, the definitive tome on the subject. It is as tender, hilarious and wise as her other articles which clarify an awful lot about <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/9-coolest-things-about-female-sexuality">female sexuality</a>, <a href="http://www.alternet.org/7-lesbian-stereotypes-are-actually-true-and-surprising-reasons-why">lesbian sex</a>, <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/guess-what-many-ladies-love-porn-10-interesting-facts-about-womens-porn-habits">women and porn</a> and other burning topics. The best-selling writer Cheryl Strayed described Anna's book like this: "Smart, funny, tender, sexy, hilariously inventive, and oddly educational. This is a must-read for anyone who’s ever been there and done that.” You can buy a copy <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1250072646/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=1250072646&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=annapulley-20&amp;linkId=MW6GBFNPPWD4TDQM">here</a>, (and check out illustator Kelsey Beyer's work) <a href="https://kelseybeyer.com/">here</a>.</em></p><p>Enjoy a sampling of Anna's haikus: </p><p><strong>How Lesbian Sex Works</strong></p><p>It's like straight sex, but</p><p>with more slouchy blazers and</p><p>Pink dance remixes.</p><p> </p><p>What do two women<br />do in bed together, really?<br />Two words: gin rummy.</p><p> </p><p>It's like straight sex, but<br />by "sex," I mean deconstructing<br />patriarchy.</p><p>Lesbian sex is<br />like water polo—no one<br />really knows the rules.</p><p>It's like straight sex, but<br />first we have to consult our<br />lunar calendars.</p><p> </p><p>What a spirited<br />flogging! Maybe next time no<br />GMO lecture?</p><p> </p><p><b>We don't have sex, silly</b></p><p>We're far too busy<br />slowly shedding our matching<br />cheerleading outfits.</p><p>For the love of all<br />that's sacred, it's called foreplay.<br />Think outside my box.</p><p><b>How lesbians discuss porn</b></p><p>"Of course I loved Crash<br />Pad's <i>Fisting: Lend a Hand</i>, but<br />the book was better."</p><p><img class="ajT" src="https://ssl.gstatic.com/ui/v1/icons/mail/images/cleardot.gif" style="line-height: 6px; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; height: 8px; opacity: 0.3; width: 20px; background: url(&quot;//ssl.gstatic.com/ui/v1/icons/mail/ellipsis.png&quot;) no-repeat;" /></p><p> </p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2016 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1056447';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1056447"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Fri, 13 May 2016 07:43:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1056447 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsBooksCultureSex & Relationshipslesbian sexhaikusAnna PulleyGuess What? Many Ladies Love Porn: 10 Interesting Facts About Women's Porn Habitshttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/guess-what-many-ladies-love-porn-10-interesting-facts-about-womens-porn-habits
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '826236';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=826236"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">What do we actually know about the roles, consumption and viewing habits of women? Turns out, a lot. </div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_251895064.jpg?itok=rdcSsdDs" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p>Nothing perplexes people quite like the combined topics of women and pornography. Do ladies love porn or hate it? Do they hate it but still watch it? What kind of woman gets into porn? What kind of woman gets off to it? Can <em>Fifty Shades of Grey</em> be blamed? Or Sasha Grey? Porn has been a hot-button issue for years now, but what do we actually know about the roles, consumption and viewing habits of women? Once you get past the heated rhetoric and moralizing, it turns out we know a lot.</p><p><strong>10. Women Watch Porn...</strong></p><p>This should be a resounding “doye,” or if you’re feeling emphatic, “Doyes ‘R’ Us” or “Doye Story III.” Some women have been consuming and enjoying porn for a long time. And not just a fringe minority. One in three adults browsing Internet porn sites are women, according to Nielsen ratings. In 2007, almost 13 million were watching porn on a monthly basis. Despite this, the myth persists that all women hate porn (and certainly many do). But their Internet habits tell another story.</p><p><strong>9. They Just Don’t Like to Pay for It</strong></p><p>According to the neuroscientists who wrote <em>A Billion Wicked Thoughts,</em>women do not often pay for porn. Authors Ogas and Gaddam write: “According to CCBill, the billing service most commonly used by the online adult industry, only 2 percent of all subscriptions to pornography sites are made on credit cards with women's names. In fact, CCBill even flags female names as potential fraud, since so many of these charges result in an angry wife or mother demanding a refund for the misuse of her card.”</p><p><strong>8. Porn Origins</strong></p><p>Porn has been around since the Paleolithic period, and yes, it was conducted on cave walls. In addition to woolly mammoths, engraved images of nude women and crude vulvas (think Pac-Man meets ice cream cone), and doggy-style drawings exist <a href="http://www.ancient-wisdom.co.uk/caveart.htm#eroticart">as early as 10,000 BCE.</a> Granted, some of them look like they’ve been drawn by sexually precocious first-graders, but hey, we can’t all be Vincent van Ho.</p><p><strong>7. Porn Stars Have Higher Self-Esteem Than You</strong></p><p>The stereotype that all female porn stars are damaged goods, come from backgrounds of abuse, and have poor self-images is finally being put to bed. According to findings in the <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2012.719168"><em>Journal of Sex Research</em></a>, porn stars have higher self-esteem, are more spiritual, and feel better about their bodies than women not in the adult industry. The study also found that porn stars were far more likely to identify as bisexual (67 percent, compared to the match group's 7 percent), that they had sex at an earlier age (15, compared to the match group's 17), had more sexual partners (on average, a porn star has more sex partners in one year than a non-porn star has in her lifetime, and this doesn't include their work partners), enjoyed sex more, and were more concerned about contracting STDs.</p><p><strong>6. The Average American Female Porn Star Looks Like...</strong></p><p>Picture a porn star in your mind. What do you see? Blonde? Triple-D rack? Stilettos, tans and talons that would make most lesbians recoil in terror? According to writer and researcher Jon Millward’s <a href="http://jonmillward.com/blog/studies/deep-inside-a-study-of-10000-porn-stars/">study of 10,000 actors</a> in the Internet Adult Film Database, your average porn star has brown hair, is from California, has a 34B cup, is 5’5" and is probably named Nikki Lee. The stereotype of the busty blonde bombshell turns out to be just that, a stereotype.</p><p><strong>5. The Most Popular Female Roles in Porn</strong></p><p>Millward’s study also looked at the most common female roles in porn and found that “teen” won by a landslide; the word appeared in 1,966 titles. Curiously, “MILF” came in second, with 954 titles. (If you haven’t seen <em>How I Banged Your Mother 6</em>, you simply must!) This seems like a curious age gap -- women in porn are desirable as teenagers and then not again until motherhood? -- until you realize that “fuckable moms” in porn are on average 33 years old, and many are far younger. The third most common role in porn is “wife” at 499 titles, which would be sweet except that every film title that had “wife” was actually about the concept of fucking someone else’s spouse.</p><p>Authors from <em>A Billion Wicked Thoughts</em> came to similar conclusions<em>.</em> They analyzed a year’s worth of terms entered into search engine aggregators, and found that, of the searches that were sexual, the term “youth” was No. 1, “MILF” was No. 3. and “cheating wives” was No. 5.</p><p><strong>4. What Kind of Porn Women Like</strong></p><p>You’ve no doubt heard the expression “different strokes for different folks,” and this applies to the porn-watching habits of women, which are just as diverse as the habits of men (except when it comes to teen MILF wifes, obviously). But as with anything, some trends have emerged. If you’re trying to get your ladyfriend to watch porn with you, you should avoid cum shots above the neck, overt fakeness (women tend to like porn that looks/feels “real”), porn with no storyline (though please, no more <em>Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Bone</em>), and porn with no foreplay. While softer images, lighting and music are a theme, this isn’t to say women can’t get down with more hardcore action. According to sex columnist Violet Blue, female director Candida Royalle's hard-core erotic videos, which are made for women viewers, sell at the rate of approximately 10,000 copies a month.</p><p><strong>3. Female Porn Stars Outearn Male Peers</strong></p><p>Porn is one of the few professions where women make more money than men do. “While female performers often earn between $600 and $1,000 for a scene, men are usually only paid less than $150 for a scene,” according to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/alltime10s">All Time 10s</a>, and the<em>Guardian</em>. Take that, wage gap! Way to stick it to the man...by sticking it in yourself.</p><p><strong>2. Women Get Aroused by ... Everything</strong></p><p>A <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/12/fashion/12bisex.html">2008 study</a> by Meredith Chivers, detailed in the <em>New York Times</em>, found that straight women showed signs of physical arousal when shown images of just about everything -- masturbation, straight sex, girl-on-girl action, guy-on-guy action, and even footage of bonobo chimps mating. What didn't turn them on, you ask? Pictures of naked men. However, even though women showed strong signs of arousal, there was a marked disconnect between what was happening to their bodies and what was happening in their brains. Meaning they were turned on, but didn’t know it.</p><p><strong>1. Don’t Know What Porn to Watch? Ask Oprah</strong></p><p>Porn makers and distributors are tuning into the fact that women are getting on the porn bandwagon. Nothing speaks truer to the mainstreaming of porn than the fact that Oprah Winfrey <a href="http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Quality-Adult-Films-for-Women">has porn recommendations</a>, filtered through the wisdom of Violet Blue. She recommends sites like SugarDVD.com and GreenCine.com, Comstock Films’ <em>Real People, Real Life, Real Sex Series</em> (which focus on an actual couple), vintage erotica, and one Jenna Jameson flick with her husband for good measure. There’s no word on whether the recommendations will continue, but I think we can all agree that’d be a club we could get behind.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2013 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '826236';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=826236"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Wed, 11 May 2016 22:41:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet826236 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & RelationshipspornwomensexMILFpornographyCupid Weeps—The 25 Worst OkCupid Messages Everhttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/cupid-weeps-25-worst-okcupid-messages-ever
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1053775';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1053775"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Now you&#039;ll see why OkCupid is sometimes really not OK.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/girl_on_computer.png?itok=Tmoydfqf" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--><p>Not long ago, <a href="https://www.okcupid.com/deep-end/a-womans-advantage">OkCupid released findings</a> from its latest data crunch noting that straight women who are proactive about messaging score dates with hotter men. OkCupid pegged the findings as a woman’s “incredible advantage,” which is a myth that is often repeated, along with similar notions of online dating being labeled a “woman’s game” and a “woman’s market.” This line of thinking makes a certain amount of sense. Straight and bi women get a lot more messages from men than the other way around. And our culture teaches women that we should be passive when it comes to dating (not to mention more pressing life pursuits, such as asking for a raise, and oh say, a tiny bit of autonomy when it comes to our own reproductive rights).</p><p>But online dating for women is no more of an incredible advantage than being cat-called on the street is a compliment. As a bisexual woman on OkCupid, I received so many appalling, offensive and downright frightening messages from men that I started curating a Tumblr called <a href="http://itsnotokokcupid.tumblr.com/">It’s Not Ok, OkCupid</a>. I’m no longer active on the site, but I still receive dozens of messages from women (and a few men) from all over the U.S. each week recounting the lewd, aggressive and ridiculous propositions they receive on a daily basis. Some are funny, some are horrific and some are so bat-shit crazy they make Trump look like a moderate. Here are the best of the worst.</p><p> </p><p>1. Feminist.</p><p><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid1feminist.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="320" style="width: 480px; height: 320px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="320" style="width: 480px; height: 320px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid1feminist.png?itok=9Bw7aNJQ" /></div></a></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>2. I will do anything.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid2.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="398" style="width: 480px; height: 398px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="398" style="width: 480px; height: 398px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid2.png?itok=LiqNo8pg" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">3. A very specific hooker.</p><p><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid_4.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="229" style="width: 480px; height: 229px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="229" style="width: 480px; height: 229px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid_4.png?itok=w14aPiXL" /></div></a></p><p>4. Wow.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid5a.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="480" style="width: 435px; height: 480px;" width="435"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="480" style="width: 435px; height: 480px;" width="435" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid5a.png?itok=7JFG9Vj4" /></div></a></p><p>5. My boobs are all I have left.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid6boobs.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="265" style="width: 480px; height: 265px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="265" style="width: 480px; height: 265px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid6boobs.png?itok=27MdUxZL" /></div></a></p><p>6. There will be negotiations!</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid7.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="374" style="width: 480px; height: 374px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="374" style="width: 480px; height: 374px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid7.png?itok=ZgSfoxcq" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">7. Nice guy syndrome.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid8aniceguy.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="120" style="width: 476px; height: 120px;" width="476"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="120" style="width: 476px; height: 120px;" width="476" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid8aniceguy.png?itok=6c3MA2Pe" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">8. Too bad you have no follow-through.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid9folothru.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="238" style="width: 480px; height: 238px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="238" style="width: 480px; height: 238px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid9folothru.png?itok=uTezklgp" /></div></a></p><p>9. Nice use of rhyme.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid10.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="177" style="width: 480px; height: 177px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="177" style="width: 480px; height: 177px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid10.png?itok=a-lAGMeU" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">10. Doper than a heroin needle.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid11.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="142" style="width: 480px; height: 142px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="142" style="width: 480px; height: 142px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid11.png?itok=nm9j9-8A" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">11. Pussy or politics.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid12.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="424" style="width: 480px; height: 424px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="424" style="width: 480px; height: 424px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid12.png?itok=tiefBmJb" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">12. I’ll follow you into battle.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid13.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="245" style="width: 480px; height: 245px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="245" style="width: 480px; height: 245px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid13.png?itok=Tq32JCmN" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">13. I find your breasts unsavory.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid15unsavorybreasts.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="142" style="width: 480px; height: 142px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="142" style="width: 480px; height: 142px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid15unsavorybreasts.png?itok=42kQ1LVU" /></div></a></p><p>14. Take me to a funeral, gurl.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid16.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="117" style="width: 480px; height: 117px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="117" style="width: 480px; height: 117px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid16.png?itok=vAQlWYFS" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">15. Shat upon.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid17shatupon.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="85" style="width: 480px; height: 85px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="85" style="width: 480px; height: 85px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid17shatupon.png?itok=sRwxQjIN" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">16. Cover myself in Vaseline.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid18vaseline.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="97" style="width: 480px; height: 97px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="97" style="width: 480px; height: 97px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid18vaseline.png?itok=HNja3gnM" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">17. Not only dudes can be dicks.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid19.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="217" style="width: 480px; height: 217px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="217" style="width: 480px; height: 217px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid19.png?itok=qAFF9D13" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">18. I haven’t told my parents yet!</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid20.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="414" style="width: 480px; height: 414px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="414" style="width: 480px; height: 414px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid20.png?itok=zDL7yyjD" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">19. Sexy legs.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid19asexylegs.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="140" style="width: 480px; height: 140px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="140" style="width: 480px; height: 140px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid19asexylegs.png?itok=qTft3nFR" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">20. Definitely the wrong way to start it.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid20a.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="115" style="width: 480px; height: 115px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="115" style="width: 480px; height: 115px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid20a.png?itok=LXX19rE3" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">21. I’d touch your butt.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid21butt.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="226" style="width: 480px; height: 226px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="226" style="width: 480px; height: 226px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid21butt.png?itok=3IS0RgpC" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">22. Not an interior decorator.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid22interior_dec.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="188" style="width: 480px; height: 188px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="188" style="width: 480px; height: 188px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid22interior_dec.png?itok=f1XLNeT-" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">23. Not a beekeeper.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid23beekeeper.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="116" style="width: 480px; height: 116px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="116" style="width: 480px; height: 116px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid23beekeeper.png?itok=Si-sV3gB" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">24. We could have had love.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid25.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="260" style="width: 480px; height: 260px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="260" style="width: 480px; height: 260px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid25.png?itok=7Ca3Id3n" /></div></a></p><p dir="ltr">25. Good luck.</p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.alternet.org/files/cupid26goodluck.png" target="_blank"><div alt="" class="media-image" height="266" style="width: 480px; height: 266px;" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="266" style="width: 480px; height: 266px;" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/cupid26goodluck.png?itok=JaPNC2fh" /></div></a></p><p> </p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2016 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1053775';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1053775"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Sun, 03 Apr 2016 13:46:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1053775 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipsokcupid8 Fascinating Ways People of the Past Used Marijuana to Enhance Sexhttps://www.alternet.org/drugs/8-fascinating-ways-people-past-used-marijuana-enhance-sex
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Pain management is just one of pot&#039;s many powers.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/cannabis-1062904_960_720.jpg?itok=_WFP3bA2" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p>Much ink has been spilled on the diverse uses of cannabis down the years, including its medicinal properties, pain management, the treatment of epilepsy, and so on. But what has pot done for your sex life lately? Have you used it to experience Tantric transcendence or rubbed it on your breasts?</p><p dir="ltr">If so, you’re in good company. Below are some of the more innovative ways people have used weed for sexual (and occasionally malicious) reasons throughout history. You’ll never look at lamb’s fat the same way again.</p><p dir="ltr">Not that you’re likely to be staring dreamily at lamb innards. Unless you’re very stoned.</p><p><strong>1. Reducing the “pain of defloration”</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Despite Soviet prohibition, <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=gZJ7m3Uf6FQC&amp;sitesec=buy&amp;source=gbs_vpt_read" target="_blank">Russian women in the 1930s</a> used cannabis mixed with lamb’s fat, or nasha, on their wedding night “to reduce the pain of defloration.” Can you just picture a bevy of supple young virgins being sat down and told: “Listen, we’ve tried to make the men suck less at sex, but they’re going to keep barreling into you like drunken bowling balls. So put this weed gristle in your vagina, okay? And think of Mother Russia.”</p><p dir="ltr">Russian women also employed marijuana to shrink their vaginas with “an ointment made by mixing hashish with tobacco,” so the world of vagina marinades was obviously thriving in the north. And a cannabis tonic called <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=o_dKbMFRSzUC&amp;pg=PA79&amp;dq=cannabis+circumcision+guckand&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjm4eO8zsXKAhWKPD4KHT3CCWUQ6AEILDAA#v=onepage&amp;q=cannabis%20circumcision%20guckand&amp;f=false" target="_blank">guckand</a> was used not only as an aphrodisiac, but also as an anesthetic for boys who were on the chopping block to be circumcised.</p><p dir="ltr">Meanwhile men in Serbia were known to consume a “<a href="http://www.cannabisculture.com/content/1998/09/01/1372" target="_blank">happy porridge</a>” aphrodisiac made from hashish, almond butter, flower petals and leaves, spices, and Anacyclus pyrethrum root.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Breast in show</strong></p><p>In what sounds like something out of a 13-year-old boy’s porn fantasy, women have been rubbing weed all over their breasts as far back as the 11th century, probably while listening to sexy slow jam lute music.</p><p>According to the <a href="http://amzn.to/1Qjy7MW" target="_blank">Medieval Herbal Remedies</a>, women with swollen breasts were instructed to (again) combine weed with fat and rub it on the breast to ”disperse the swelling.” This same pot-boob marinade was also used in Germany and Austria in the 19th century to reduce pain.</p><p><strong>3. You can’t spell weed without ED</strong></p><p>Lest you think women are having all the fun, weed is a much-documented treatment for men with impotence, aka erectile dysfunction. In <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1831906/" target="_blank">Uganda</a>, where traditional healers abound and medicinal herbs are widely utilized, cannabis has been a go-to cure for ED for many years. It’s either chewed, smoked, or consumed in a tea, beer, or fermented porridge drink (the latter of which is popular due to the drunk-and-stoned combo).</p><p dir="ltr">While reports of the effects of weed on one’s penis are wildly contradictory, one of the weirder historical tidbits in relation to weed and sex comes from the 1930s. Henry Anslinger, the head of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics, and one of weed’s biggest detractors, spent years spreading zany lies about “hemp intoxication” and its effects on one’s libido and propensity to rape and murder everyone’s grandmother. One of his more fanciful <a href="http://www.drugwarrant.com/articles/why-is-marijuana-illegal/" target="_blank">quotes</a>:</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr">“Much of the most irrational juvenile violence and that has written a new chapter of shame and tragedy is traceable directly to this hemp intoxication. A gang of boys tear the clothes from two school girls and rape the screaming girls, one boy after the other. A sixteen-year-old kills his entire family of five in Florida, a man in Minnesota puts a bullet through the head of a stranger on the road; in Colorado husband tries to shoot his wife, kills her grandmother instead and then kills himself. Every one of these crimes had been proceeded [sic] by the smoking of one or more marijuana ‘reefers.’”</p></blockquote><p><strong>4. Tantric toke</strong></p><p>As far back as the seventh century, practitioners of Tantra—the ancient Hindu meditation that aims to “channel the divine energy of the macrocosm or godhead into the human microcosm”—have used weed to, well, channel the energy of a different godhead, too.</p><p dir="ltr">According to the journal <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=gZJ7m3Uf6FQC&amp;pg=PA29&amp;lpg=PA29&amp;dq=Aldrich,+M.R.+1977.+Tantric+cannabis+use+in+India.+J+Psychedelic+Drugs+9(3):227-33.&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=HMkDivwnvA&amp;sig=5tUpIO90n6K6UIZVS3tXgEIMt8A&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwi__bj4zbzKAhVH2mMKHeqVDQYQ6AEIHTAA#v=onepage&amp;q=aldrich&amp;f=false" target="_blank">Psychedelic Drugs,</a> which documented the extensive use of cannabis in Tantra: “The Kama Sutra and Ananga Ranga eloquently detail Hindu sexual techniques, and the Tantras transform such sexual practices into a means of meditational yoga.” This really begs the question of whether we’re getting our money’s worth in that Hatha flow yoga class with Prism.</p><p>Weed was thought to prolong one’s arousal to herculean lengths, and some texts describe cannabis sex rituals lasting up to eight hours, not stopping <a href="http://www.cannabisculture.com/content/1998/09/01/1372" target="_blank">until</a> “a glow of fire envelops the lovers in total-body orgasms, which result in erasure of mental ideations and ego, the timeless freedom from self which equals Nirvana.”</p><p>That all sounds fine, I guess, if there’s nothing good on Adult Swim.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Getting lit</strong></p><p dir="ltr">It has been speculated that Shakespeare smoked weed in his day to fuel creative and romantic inspiration. His Sonnet 76 reference a “noted weed” and “compounds strange,” and pipe fragments <a href="http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2001/03/0301_shakespeare.html" target="_blank">found</a> on his property contained trace fragments of cannabis, hallucinogenic nutmeg, and cocaine. He makes a pretty good case for pot helping writer’s block, too:</p><blockquote><p>“Why is my verse so barren of new pride,<br />So far from variation or quick change?<br />Why with the time do I not glance aside<br />To new-found methods and to compounds strange?<br />Why write I still all one, ever the same,<br />And keep invention in a noted weed,<br />That every word doth almost tell my name,<br />Showing their birth and where they did proceed?”</p></blockquote><p>In the 13th century, the epic Arabian work <a href="http://www.mythfolklore.net/1001nights/burton/hashish_eater.htm" target="_blank">1,001 Nights</a> detailed the intoxicating and aphrodisiac properties of hashish: “Art thou not ashamed, O Hashish-eater, to be sleeping stark naked with stiff standing tool?”</p><p>Thou art not, kind sir.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>6. Weed smoothies</strong></p><p dir="ltr">In India, the appropriately named <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-teenage-mind/201106/history-cannabis-in-india" target="_blank">bhang</a> (a kind of weed smoothie made of yogurt or milk, nuts, spices, and ground cannabis) is commonly used during religious festivals like Holi and Shivaratri, as well as in Ayurvedic practices and, you know, plain ol’ bhanging. In addition to reducing anxiety and indigestion, bhang is thought to prolong erections and aid sexual arousal.</p><p dir="ltr">In Morocco, Egypt, and Lebanon, people consumed <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=-cxrAwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA135&amp;lpg=PA135&amp;dq=kif+aphrodisiac&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=aJRowdP7M8&amp;sig=sGlbCoSpLSZ5fCLHSqBpNFUVQBE&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwje4tGH1LzKAhUS8GMKHb3XA94Q6AEIJDAB#v=onepage&amp;q=kif%20aphrodisiac&amp;f=false" target="_blank">kif</a>, which refers to the cannabis itself, but is also the name of anotherkind of blended pot drink that reduces inhibitions and impotence, and increases “transcendental experiences.” Medicinal kif is made with opium; sexytime kif is made with cloves, ginger, “paradise grains,” nutmeg, snakeroot and lavender.</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div alt="" class="media-image" height="265" width="500"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="265" width="500" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/screen_shot_2016-01-21_at_9.25.07_pm_0.png" /></div><p dir="ltr"><strong>7. Applause! Applause!</strong></p><p dir="ltr">If all that weed-induced banging has led to some unexpected consequences, fear not! For weed is also the cure for what ails ye—at least when it comes to certain sexually transmitted infections. According to <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=l8O2OMNLNtcC&amp;pg=PA261&amp;dq=cannabis+aphrodisiac&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=kulPU-yDEpOzyATE5IHwCg&amp;ved=0CDsQ6AEwATgK#v=onepage&amp;q=gonorrhea&amp;f=false" target="_blank">The Science of Marijuana</a>, in Arab and Muslim India, cannabis has long been used as a treatment for gonorrhea. In 17th-century <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J175v02n03_02#preview" target="_blank">Germany</a>, a physician also concocted a weedy nutmeg drink as a remedy for the clap. In the 1930s in the <a href="http://antiquecannabisbook.com/chap11/Gonorrhea.htm" target="_blank">United States</a>, we were like, “Enough of this beverage nonsense! Let’s insert pot right into our urethras.”</p><p dir="ltr">And that’s what they did. Cannabis was marketed and sold as a tincture, and even came with its own “urethral pipes,” which you had to insert up to three times a day.</p><p dir="ltr">Speaking of urethras, according to Women and Cannabis again, 19th-century Persian sex workers were known to use indica leaves to combat urethritis, and to, you know, make having sex with random dudes for money more tolerable.</p><p><strong>8. Weed lube</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Lastly, lest you think our modern times are any less crazy than those of past cultures, witness the boom of marijuana lubricants, meaning, if you don’t know, weed you can put in your rectum. Probably the most well-known weed lube is <a href="http://foriapleasure.com/" target="_blank">Foria</a>, which is sprayed on your nether bits with the goal of giving you a localized, sensory-based high with no psychoactive effects. Apparently it will also “bring to your fingertips the power of ancient plant medicine to inspire deep healing and unlock profound pleasures.” (Here’s a<a href="https://player.vimeo.com/video/118156823"> video</a> if you want to see women talking about the “beautiful waves” of Foria-induced pleasure.)</p><p dir="ltr">Comedian Margaret Cho fully endorses marijuana lube, as she told <a href="http://hightimes.com/read/high-times-interview-margaret-cho" target="_blank">High Times</a>: “Pot puts me in touch with my body. … You can just really feel and enjoy what’s happening to you; it’s a great enhancement and a great aphrodisiac. … I think that people don’t connect sexuality and pot as much as they should. And the best thing: marijuana lube!”</p><p>If getting your vagina stoned is too passé, you can also treat yourself to a spa day that includes a <a href="http://www.thecannabist.co/2014/06/04/marijuana-infused-massage-feel-great-thc-topical-massages/13010/" target="_blank">marijuana-infused massage</a>. The rub is that you have to live in Denver.</p> Fri, 01 Apr 2016 07:56:00 -0700Anna Pulley, The Influence1053733 at https://www.alternet.orgDrugsDrugsSex & RelationshipsmarijuanarelationshipMy Week of Sex While High on Every Marijuana Product Imaginablehttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/my-week-sex-while-high-every-marijuana-product-imaginable
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">How it feels to get high while getting down. </div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_257038963.jpg?itok=fabbSXl0" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p><em>This article was originally published by <a href="http://theinfluence.org/" target="_blank">The Influence</a>, a news site that covers the full spectrum of human relationships with drugs. Follow The Influence on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/theinfluence.org/" target="_blank">Facebook</a> or <a href="https://twitter.com/TheInfluenceOrg" target="_blank">Twitter</a>.</em></p><p>“It smells like weed down here,” my girlfriend said.</p><p>This is not an uncommon olfactory delight in the Bay Area, except in this case, my girlfriend is referring to my vagina.</p><p>I have just applied “weed lube” (which is not technically lube, but a topical, coconut-oil-based cannabis spray) on my nether bits and we are waiting the requisite 15 minutes for it to soak in. “A good time for foreplay!” the bottle suggests somewhat obviously. As if you might forget you were supposed to have sex and instead heat up some Bagel Bites and watch 12 episodes of Planet Earth.</p><p>The lube is one part of a broader weed-sex experiment I’ve decided to undertake, which also involves an edible granola-chocolate bar, an aphrodisiac tincture called “Love Potion,” and an indica/sativa strain with the unfortunate name of “Slymer.”</p><p>Combining pot and sex was a mostly alien concept to me. I’m not exactly a drug virgin, but my knowledge is, shall we say, limited. I can’t take a single puff of anything without coughing like an asthmatic donkey. And the first time a partner convinced me to combine pot with alcohol (my usual aphrodisiac), the sensation I felt was … not what I was expecting. “It feels like my eyebrow is on fire,” I told her in a swimmy, far-off voice.</p><p>When it comes to having sex with other people who were high, my experiences have been decidedly mixed. One gentleman I was screwing reached over to the nightstand—mid-thrust—and took a hit from a pipe while inside me, before continuing.</p><p>Aside from that, and from occasionally feeling like my face was on fire, historically, pot’s biggest allure for me has been in the realm of knocking me the fuck out. Which doesn’t tend to bode well when thoughtful someones are riding your face.</p><p>So why did I want to see if weed could do anything for my sex life?</p><p>Like many women, I tend to get stuck in my head during sex. I lose the moment. I lose my body. I get caught in a constellation of mundanity: Did I pay the gas bill? What is Jason Priestley up to these days? And so on.</p><p>Because pot is known for its abilities to quell the monsters in one’s head, and to bring users firmly back into the realm of the senses, I wondered if it would work for me.</p><p>The first night, my girlfriend shotgunned a hit of Slymer in my direction and that was enough to set off a coughing fit and to give me dry mouth for the next 12 hours. But also I was instantly high. My head felt like a half-filled water balloon, unsure if it should remain grounded or take off into the atmosphere. I felt stone-limbed and mildly stunned, and was thankful I didn’t have to lift my head or, you know, move at all. My girlfriend rimmed me while I jerked off and I came like a kite breaking, like a disco roller skate party. It was intense and swift. My God, Slymer. I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.</p><p>It was a good thing I came so quickly because I then fell asleep immediately, without brushing my teeth, and dreamed that I was the lone warden of a prison for cats.</p><p>The next night, we christened the weed lube. The bottle is tiny and unassuming; each spray contains 2.5 mg of cannabis. The application of the weed lube is its worst draw—it is not unlike being sprayed with cologne at the mall. Cold, invasive, it smells faintly of flowers dipped in sugar dipped in rubbing alcohol. We applied it several times, shrieking quietly each time the spray struck our skin, and waited.</p><p>My girlfriend took a tentative dip in the pool. “Your vag does feel warm,” she said.</p><p>“Well, yes,” I replied. “It’s not a refrigerator.”</p><p>While she reported that her vagina was immediately stoned, I could barely detect any difference. She rubbed my back with sesame oil as we waited for the lube to kick in. And waited.</p><p>I decided to help the lube along and take five drops of the love potion tincture, which promised a “relaxing body high.” The potion tasted less like “love,” however, and more like a soap your mom would sell on Etsy. Which was unpleasant, but it did seem to produce a nice, glowy body warmth.</p><p>Suddenly aware that I had just put a foreign substance in my snatch, I expressed a concern about what the weed lube would actually do.</p><p>“Are you afraid you’ll get too loose and your uterus will fall out?” my girlfriend asked, which made us both laugh too loud and too long.</p><p>Whatever mild wave crested through my body as a result of the lube and the tincture was short-lived. I was still firmly in my head, replaying an interview I’d had earlier that day, wondering about a new acquaintance—generally unsexy thoughts that short-circuited my lust. We switched roles and positions so that I could be on top, and my girlfriend came hard and easy. I had never seen her face snarl quite so brightly and am quite certain all the weed probably had something to do with it. We switched again and this time, with concentration, I was able to get off, but it didn’t feel noticeably different or better than sober sex.</p><p>The final night, we pulled out all the stops. Spraying every nether orifice with weed lube, we shared a joint (a house blend), we love-potioned, and we ate part of an edible. We oral-ed, we anal-ed, we strapped-on, we strapped-off—we tried everything we thought might be a boon to our baked genitalia.</p><p>For the amount of weed I sprayed on my genitals, I would’ve thought they’d be capable of toting wine bottles around town, but that was never anywhere near the case. Aside from a slight, tingly warmth, any sensation at all was barely noticeable. It was like someone offered my snatch a light jacket that it didn’t need. Mostly what the weed lube did was make us laugh, especially the inevitable small, shrill poot sound that came out each time we spritzed. It was fun to try not to laugh, though it never worked, especially after all the other weed products kicked in.</p><p>When my girlfriend’s hair fell in my face, tickling me, I couldn’t find the words that meant “Please get your hair out of my face.” Instead I sputtered and said, “What … are you …. doing to me?”</p><p>I also could not remember the word “negate,” (my dirty talk involves PSAT vocabulary) and instead said, “It breaks the point. I mean, you know, it breaks, it makes the thing not.”</p><p>Though I no longer had the brain capacity to do long-division, this was precisely the point. It wasn’t consistent, but for whole moments I was able to ride the peculiar rhythms of skin meeting skin, to hear my particles jostle with heat, with amplification. During one particular enmeshed-lesbian moment, she was riding me while I wore a strap-on, and at times it felt like we were an extension of each other and I couldn’t tell who was penetrating whom or if it even mattered. I felt adrift on a stormy sea of sweat and light and movement.</p><p>“Did you like it?” I asked.</p><p>“I think I just like sex,” she said.</p><p>Indeed. The weed-sex experiment may have been a one-hit wonder, but it did offer a nice temporary reprieve from my swirly mind-vortex. My brain was quieter, my O’s brighter. And when I name my first-born Slymer, you’ll know why.</p> <p> </p> Tue, 08 Mar 2016 07:58:00 -0800Anna Pulley, The Influence1052127 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsDrugsSex & Relationshipsmarijuanasexsex while highrelationshipscultureEight Fascinating Ways People Have Used Marijuana to Enhance Sexhttps://www.alternet.org/news-amp-politics/eight-fascinating-ways-people-have-used-marijuana-enhance-sex
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">We&#039;ve been using cannabis in creative ways for thousands of years. </div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_162873131-edited.jpg?itok=ZpeVkf4Q" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--><p>Much ink has been spilled on the diverse uses of cannabis down the years, including its medicinal properties, pain management, the treatment of epilepsy, and so on. But what has pot done for your sex life lately? Have you used it to experience Tantric transcendence or rubbed it on your breasts?</p><p dir="ltr">If so, you’re in good company. Below are some of the more innovative ways people have used weed for sexual (and occasionally malicious) reasons throughout history. You’ll never look at lamb’s fat the same way again.</p><p dir="ltr">Not that you’re likely to be staring dreamily at lamb innards. Unless you’re very stoned.</p><p><strong>1. Reducing the “pain of defloration”</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Despite Soviet prohibition, <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=gZJ7m3Uf6FQC&amp;sitesec=buy&amp;source=gbs_vpt_read" target="_blank">Russian women in the 1930s</a> used cannabis mixed with lamb’s fat, or nasha, on their wedding night “to reduce the pain of defloration.” Can you just picture a bevy of supple young virgins being sat down and told: “Listen, we’ve tried to make the men suck less at sex, but they’re going to keep barreling into you like drunken bowling balls. So put this weed gristle in your vagina, okay? And think of Mother Russia.”</p><p dir="ltr">Russian women also employed marijuana to shrink their vaginas with “an ointment made by mixing hashish with tobacco,” so the world of vagina marinades was obviously thriving in the north. And a cannabis tonic called <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=o_dKbMFRSzUC&amp;pg=PA79&amp;dq=cannabis+circumcision+guckand&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjm4eO8zsXKAhWKPD4KHT3CCWUQ6AEILDAA#v=onepage&amp;q=cannabis%20circumcision%20guckand&amp;f=false" target="_blank">guckand</a> was used not only as an aphrodisiac, but also as an anesthetic for boys who were on the chopping block to be circumcised.</p><p dir="ltr">Meanwhile men in Serbia were known to consume a “<a href="http://www.cannabisculture.com/content/1998/09/01/1372" target="_blank">happy porridge</a>” aphrodisiac made from hashish, almond butter, flower petals and leaves, spices, and Anacyclus pyrethrum root.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Breast in show</strong></p><p>In what sounds like something out of a 13-year-old boy’s porn fantasy, women have been rubbing weed all over their breasts as far back as the 11th century, probably while listening to sexy slow jam lute music.</p><p>According to the <a href="http://amzn.to/1Qjy7MW" target="_blank">Medieval Herbal Remedies</a>, women with swollen breasts were instructed to (again) combine weed with fat and rub it on the breast to ”disperse the swelling.” This same pot-boob marinade was also used in Germany and Austria in the 19th century to reduce pain.</p><p><strong>3. You can’t spell weed without ED</strong></p><p>Lest you think women are having all the fun, weed is a much-documented treatment for men with impotence, aka erectile dysfunction. In <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1831906/" target="_blank">Uganda</a>, where traditional healers abound and medicinal herbs are widely utilized, cannabis has been a go-to cure for ED for many years. It’s either chewed, smoked, or consumed in a tea, beer, or fermented porridge drink (the latter of which is popular due to the drunk-and-stoned combo).</p><p dir="ltr">While reports of the effects of weed on one’s penis are wildly contradictory, one of the weirder historical tidbits in relation to weed and sex comes from the 1930s. Henry Anslinger, the head of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics, and one of weed’s biggest detractors, spent years spreading zany lies about “hemp intoxication” and its effects on one’s libido and propensity to rape and murder everyone’s grandmother. One of his more fanciful <a href="http://www.drugwarrant.com/articles/why-is-marijuana-illegal/" target="_blank">quotes</a>:</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr">“Much of the most irrational juvenile violence and that has written a new chapter of shame and tragedy is traceable directly to this hemp intoxication. A gang of boys tear the clothes from two school girls and rape the screaming girls, one boy after the other. A sixteen-year-old kills his entire family of five in Florida, a man in Minnesota puts a bullet through the head of a stranger on the road; in Colorado husband tries to shoot his wife, kills her grandmother instead and then kills himself. Every one of these crimes had been proceeded [sic] by the smoking of one or more marijuana ‘reefers.’”</p></blockquote><p><strong>4. Tantric toke</strong></p><p>As far back as the seventh century, practitioners of Tantra—the ancient Hindu meditation that aims to “channel the divine energy of the macrocosm or godhead into the human microcosm”—have used weed to, well, channel the energy of a different godhead, too.</p><p dir="ltr">According to the journal <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=gZJ7m3Uf6FQC&amp;pg=PA29&amp;lpg=PA29&amp;dq=Aldrich,+M.R.+1977.+Tantric+cannabis+use+in+India.+J+Psychedelic+Drugs+9(3):227-33.&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=HMkDivwnvA&amp;sig=5tUpIO90n6K6UIZVS3tXgEIMt8A&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwi__bj4zbzKAhVH2mMKHeqVDQYQ6AEIHTAA#v=onepage&amp;q=aldrich&amp;f=false" target="_blank">Psychedelic Drugs,</a> which documented the extensive use of cannabis in Tantra: “The Kama Sutra and Ananga Ranga eloquently detail Hindu sexual techniques, and the Tantras transform such sexual practices into a means of meditational yoga.” This really begs the question of whether we’re getting our money’s worth in that Hatha flow yoga class with Prism.</p><p>Weed was thought to prolong one’s arousal to herculean lengths, and some texts describe cannabis sex rituals lasting up to eight hours, not stopping <a href="http://www.cannabisculture.com/content/1998/09/01/1372" target="_blank">until</a> “a glow of fire envelops the lovers in total-body orgasms, which result in erasure of mental ideations and ego, the timeless freedom from self which equals Nirvana.”</p><p>That all sounds fine, I guess, if there’s nothing good on Adult Swim.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Getting lit</strong></p><p dir="ltr">It has been speculated that Shakespeare smoked weed in his day to fuel creative and romantic inspiration. His Sonnet 76 reference a “noted weed” and “compounds strange,” and pipe fragments <a href="http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2001/03/0301_shakespeare.html" target="_blank">found</a> on his property contained trace fragments of cannabis, hallucinogenic nutmeg, and cocaine. He makes a pretty good case for pot helping writer’s block, too:</p><blockquote><p>“Why is my verse so barren of new pride,<br />So far from variation or quick change?<br />Why with the time do I not glance aside<br />To new-found methods and to compounds strange?<br />Why write I still all one, ever the same,<br />And keep invention in a noted weed,<br />That every word doth almost tell my name,<br />Showing their birth and where they did proceed?”</p></blockquote><p>In the 13th century, the epic Arabian work <a href="http://www.mythfolklore.net/1001nights/burton/hashish_eater.htm" target="_blank">1,001 Nights</a> detailed the intoxicating and aphrodisiac properties of hashish: “Art thou not ashamed, O Hashish-eater, to be sleeping stark naked with stiff standing tool?”</p><p>Thou art not, kind sir.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>6. Weed smoothies</strong></p><p dir="ltr">In India, the appropriately named <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-teenage-mind/201106/history-cannabis-in-india" target="_blank">bhang</a> (a kind of weed smoothie made of yogurt or milk, nuts, spices, and ground cannabis) is commonly used during religious festivals like Holi and Shivaratri, as well as in Ayurvedic practices and, you know, plain ol’ bhanging. In addition to reducing anxiety and indigestion, bhang is thought to prolong erections and aid sexual arousal.</p><p dir="ltr">In Morocco, Egypt, and Lebanon, people consumed <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=-cxrAwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA135&amp;lpg=PA135&amp;dq=kif+aphrodisiac&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=aJRowdP7M8&amp;sig=sGlbCoSpLSZ5fCLHSqBpNFUVQBE&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwje4tGH1LzKAhUS8GMKHb3XA94Q6AEIJDAB#v=onepage&amp;q=kif%20aphrodisiac&amp;f=false" target="_blank">kif</a>, which refers to the cannabis itself, but is also the name ofanother kind of blended pot drink that reduces inhibitions and impotence, and increases “transcendental experiences.” Medicinal kif is made with opium; sexytime kif is made with cloves, ginger, “paradise grains,” nutmeg, snakeroot and lavender.</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div alt="" class="media-image" height="323" width="629"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="323" width="629" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/screen_shot_2016-02-11_at_10.54.54_am_1.png" /></div><p dir="ltr"><strong>7. Applause! Applause!</strong></p><p dir="ltr">If all that weed-induced banging has led to some unexpected consequences, fear not! For weed is also the cure for what ails ye—at least when it comes to certain sexually transmitted infections. According to <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=l8O2OMNLNtcC&amp;pg=PA261&amp;dq=cannabis+aphrodisiac&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=kulPU-yDEpOzyATE5IHwCg&amp;ved=0CDsQ6AEwATgK#v=onepage&amp;q=gonorrhea&amp;f=false" target="_blank">The Science of Marijuana</a>, in Arab and Muslim India, cannabis has long been used as a treatment for gonorrhea. In 17th-century <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J175v02n03_02#preview" target="_blank">Germany</a>, a physician also concocted a weedy nutmeg drink as a remedy for the clap. In the 1930s in the <a href="http://antiquecannabisbook.com/chap11/Gonorrhea.htm" target="_blank">United States</a>, we were like, “Enough of this beverage nonsense! Let’s insert pot right into our urethras.”</p><p dir="ltr">And that’s what they did. Cannabis was marketed and sold as a tincture, and even came with its own “urethral pipes,” which you had to insert up to three times a day.</p><p dir="ltr">Speaking of urethras, according to Women and Cannabis again, 19th-century Persian sex workers were known to use indica leaves to combat urethritis, and to, you know, make having sex with random dudes for money more tolerable.</p><p><strong>8. Weed lube</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Lastly, lest you think our modern times are any less crazy than those of past cultures, witness the boom of marijuana lubricants, meaning, if you don’t know, weed you can put in your rectum. Probably the most well-known weed lube is<a href="http://foriapleasure.com/" target="_blank">Foria</a>, which is sprayed on your nether bits with the goal of giving you a localized, sensory-based high with no psychoactive effects. Apparently it will also “bring to your fingertips the power of ancient plant medicine to inspire deep healing and unlock profound pleasures.” (Here’s a<a href="https://player.vimeo.com/video/118156823"> video</a> if you want to see women talking about the “beautiful waves” of Foria-induced pleasure.)</p><p dir="ltr">Comedian Margaret Cho fully endorses marijuana lube, as she told <a href="http://hightimes.com/read/high-times-interview-margaret-cho" target="_blank">High Times</a>: “Pot puts me in touch with my body. … You can just really feel and enjoy what’s happening to you; it’s a great enhancement and a great aphrodisiac. … I think that people don’t connect sexuality and pot as much as they should. And the best thing: marijuana lube!”</p><p>If getting your vagina stoned is too passé, you can also treat yourself to a spa day that includes a <a href="http://www.thecannabist.co/2014/06/04/marijuana-infused-massage-feel-great-thc-topical-massages/13010/" target="_blank">marijuana-infused massage</a>. The rub is that you have to live in Denver.</p><div> </div><p dir="ltr" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', sans-serif; margin: 20px 0px 10px; color: rgb(99, 99, 99); font-size: 16px; line-height: 25px !important;"> </p><p> </p> Thu, 11 Feb 2016 07:46:00 -0800Anna Pulley, The Influence1050498 at https://www.alternet.orgNews & PoliticsDrugsNews & PoliticsSex & Relationshipsmarijuanasexsex tipscannabishistory7 Lesbian Stereotypes That Are Actually True—and the Surprising Reasons Whyhttps://www.alternet.org/7-lesbian-stereotypes-are-actually-true-and-surprising-reasons-why
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1047739';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1047739"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Take a wild guess as to who has more orgasms, straight women or lesbians?</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2015-12-21_at_11.00.49_am.png?itok=c_0Ymp1g" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">Stereotyping is a necessary evil. Stereotyping simplifies complex information so our brains can easily understand it, reducing the amount of processing we go through when seeing or meeting new people That said, it also causes us to generalize. If we see one hipster drinking PBR and wearing an “Everyone loves Grandpa!” T-shirt, our brain is like, #YesAllHipsters.</p><p dir="ltr">When it comes to lesbians, I was curious if the stereotypes had a basis in reality, partly because I am a former gym teacher who drives a truck and loves cats and has a wardrobe that’s 90 percent flannel. I've probed the data to see if the old lines about U-Hauling, lesbian bed death and others had any statistical sway. The results were surprising.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. U-Hauling.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">The most common lesbian joke is often attributed to comedian Lea Delaria, who once remarked: “What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-Haul.” This plays into the notion that queer women tend to move in together at lightning-fast speeds. While there are no significant statistics comparing the cohabitation speeds of queer vs. straight women, there is some science that pinpoints why a lesbian couple might move in together sooner than a hetero couple. Some of these reasons have to do with societal norms, financial benefits and hormones.</p><p dir="ltr">“U-hauling happens for two reasons,” explains clinical psychologist Lauren Costine at <a href="http://www.afterellen.com/people/199021-why-we-u-haul-lesbian-psych-101">AfterEllen</a>. “Biologically our brains are wired for a relationships and connection. We emit much more oxytocin than men. Oxytocin is a hormone women emit when they’re falling in love, having sex, or breastfeeding. It’s biological encouragement to attach. It feels so good that for some women, in this case lesbians, they can’t get enough. Since there’s two women, there’s twice as much oxytocin floating around.”</p><p dir="ltr">And we all know what happens when you leave oxytocin floating around: trips to Bed, Bath and Beyond.</p><p><strong>2. Processing.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Another oft-recited stereotype is that lesbians are known to process everything to death. Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: I don’t know. Should we use LEDs? What wattage? Are these recyclable? Maybe this is a sign we should be lowering our carbon footprint. Let’s make a pro and con list of solar panel options and revisit this next year.</p><p dir="ltr">Processing is the tendency to overanalyze and overdiscuss every aspect that can be analyzed or discussed. When it comes to relationships, it turns out this works in lesbians’ favor. According to a 12-year <a href="https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-12-year-study/">study</a> by John Gottman of the University of Washington and Robert Levenson of the UC Berkeley, gay and lesbian couples are excellent communicators who use fewer “controlling, hostile emotional tactics” when fighting, such as belligerence, domineering, and fear. “The difference on these ‘control’ related emotions suggests that fairness and power-sharing between the partners is more important and more common in gay and lesbian relationships than in straight ones,” Gottman explained.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Lesbian bed death.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">The dreaded “bed death,” or the notion that lesbians in committed relationships stop having sex with each other, is a touchy topic. According to Karen Blair, a professor at St. Francis Xavier University and a member of the <a href="https://www.academia.edu/2377768/_The_Tortoise_and_the_Hare_Sexual_Orientation_and_Gender_Differences_in_the_Duration_of_Sexual_Activity_within_Same-Sex_and_Mixed-Sex_Relationships">Society for the Scientific Study of Sex</a>, only 15 percent of lesbian couples engage in sex more than twice a week, compared to 50 percent or more of other comparison groups (straight couples and gay men).</p><p dir="ltr">But! While it’s true that lesbians have less frequent sex than their straight counterparts, lesbian sex lasts far longer:</p><p dir="ltr">“Women in same-sex relationships reported significantly longer durations of sexual encounters than individuals in all three comparison groups, with their median duration falling within the 30 to 45 minute range, compared to the 15 to 30 minute range most commonly reported by participants in other types of relationships.” Also, almost 10 percent of lesbians get it on for more than two hours, compared to 1.9 percent of straight couples.</p><p dir="ltr">“Furthermore,” Blair explains, “very few women in same-sex relationships reported very brief sexual encounters, possibly providing a hint as to why their sexual frequency numbers tend to be lower than the other three groups.”</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Lesbians know how to please their partners.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">No doubt partially due to lesbians’ excellent communication skills and lengthy lap-nap sessions, lesbians have more orgasms than straight and bi women. A <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jsm.12669/abstract">study</a> published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine polled 1,497 men and 1,353 women who'd been sexually active within the past year. Participants were asked to state their gender, sexual orientation and the percentage of time they orgasmed "with a familiar partner."</p><p dir="ltr">Researchers found that heterosexual women reported orgasming just 61.6 percent of the time, and bisexual women following close behind with 58 percent. Lesbians, however, reported coming 74.7 percent of the sexytime.</p><p dir="ltr">Way to bring your gAy game, wimmin.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. The L Word: Lesbians love Leisha.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">According to data culled from its four million users, online dating site OkCupid revealed in a <a href="http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/gay-sex-vs-straight-sex/">survey</a> that “The L Word” was not only the most common phrase used on lesbians’ profiles, it was used so frequently it didn’t even fit on the graph relative to the amount of times lesbians used it. Analysts had to shrink it down to fit OkC’s template. Love it or hate it, if you like ladies, you probably watched the Showtime series that aired from 2004 to 2009. More than once.</p><p dir="ltr">Also unsurprising is the prevalence of Tegan and Sara and Ani DiFranco mentions, as well as cult fave TV show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," which featured one of the first lesbian kiss scenes on U.S. television.</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div alt="" class="media-image" height="430" width="625"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="430" width="625" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/screen_shot_2015-12-21_at_10.36.40_am.png" /></div> <p dir="ltr"><strong>6. Lesbians are kinkier and druggier.</strong></p>According to OkCupid data <a href="http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/gay-sex-vs-straight-sex/">again</a>, the attributes lesbians used to describe themselves most often were artsy, adventurous, kinky, and almost half said they were “into drugs.”<br /><p dir="ltr">Curiously, straight women were more “into sports” (so there goes that lesbian stereotype?), as well as optimistic and far more likely to identify as religious.</p>In addition to drugs, lesbians and bisexuals tend to drink more alcohol than straight women. Though this rate has been declining in the past two decades, substance abuse is still a big issue when it comes to overall health (especially because queer women <a href="http://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/lesbian-bisexual-health.html">are less likely</a> to have insurance and visit doctors regularly). <p dir="ltr"><strong>7. Lesbians reject cultural norms and dominant beauty standards.</strong></p><p dir="ltr"><a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1740144513000715">Research</a> has shown that lesbians tend to have better body images than straight women, possibly because they have a broader definition than the general public of what’s beautiful and sexy. (This also contributes to queer women having better sex, as the better one feels about one’s body, the more <a href="http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/10/20/confidence-and-joy/">enjoyable sex is</a>.) Some researchers posit that because dating a same-sex partner is already a move away from the mainstream, lesbians would also reject cultural messages about the “ideal” female body. Feminist values, which many lesbians ascribe to, also play into lesbians’ tendency to enjoy, celebrate and accept more body diversity than their straight counterparts.</p><p> </p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1047739';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1047739"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Mon, 21 Dec 2015 10:34:00 -0800Anna Pulley, AlterNet1047739 at https://www.alternet.orglesbianChi-raq, Lysistrata: 10 Real-Life Sex Strikes That Generated Lots of Actionhttps://www.alternet.org/gender/chi-raq-lysistrata-10-real-life-sex-strikes-generated-lots-action
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1047009';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1047009"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Throughout history, women have used sex to force social change.
</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2015-12-09_at_12.21.58_pm_0.png?itok=cX2IpkTb" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--><p>In <em>Lysistrata</em>, a 2,500-year-old Greek play by Aristophanes, the eponymous heroine convinces the women of Athens and Sparta to withhold sex from their husbands until a peace treaty between the warring city-states is signed. No peace, no piece.</p><p><em>Lysistrata </em>and the new Spike Lee movie, <em>Chi-Raq,</em> are pointed political satir (replete with plenty of blue balls jokes), but sex strikes exist in the real world, and have happened all over the globe. However, these stories are often missing from history. It’s likely more people know the story of <em>Lysistrata</em> (and now, <em>Chi-Raq</em>) than the many real-life examples of women attempting to effect change by withholding their one resource—their bodies.</p><p>The strikes are effective in <em>Lysistrata</em> and <em>Chi-Raq</em>, yet in real life, the results are mixed. Often, the measure of success is the ability to attract media coverage. As Leymah Gbowee, the leader of a sex strike in Liberia, <a href="http://books.google.com/books?id=iG29fmjtm2QC&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;pg=PA147#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false">wrote in her memoir</a>, the action itself “had little or no practical effect, but it was extremely valuable in getting us media attention. Until today, nearly 10 years later, whenever I talk about the Mass Action, ‘What about the sex strike?’ is the first question everyone asks.” Media coverage leads to awareness, coalition building and more traditional methods of pressure, until ideally, the issue is resolved.</p><p>Here is a short history of some modern sex strikes and their outcomes.</p><p><strong>1. 1600s, North America</strong></p><p>The first documented instance of a sex strike in the <a href="http://nvdatabase.swarthmore.edu/content/iroquois-women-gain-power-veto-wars-1600s">Global Nonviolent Action Database</a> comes from the women of the Iroquois nation, who withheld sex from their menfolk (plus food and other vital supplies) in order to ensure that women had a voice and veto power when deciding whether the tribe went to war. The women finally won their seat at the table, and their effort is one of the first known feminist rebellions in the United States.</p><p><strong>2. 2001, Turkey</strong></p><p>For years, the women of Siirt, a village in southeast Turkey, complained about the lack of a decent water supply, but their requests were ignored until they enacted a sex boycott in the summer of 2001. "They won't be able to get into our bedrooms until the water actually runs through the taps," said a <a href="http://edition.cnn.com/2001/WORLD/europe/08/16/turkey.women/index.html">spokeswoman</a>. The men duly put pressure on the government, and within a month, the Directorate of Rural Affairs agreed to provide five miles of piping.</p><p><strong>3. 2002, Liberia</strong></p><p>Women from the group <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women_of_Liberia_Mass_Action_for_Peace">Liberian Mass Action for Peace</a> helped bring about the end of a 14-year civil war by organizing nonviolent protests that included a sex strike, sit-ins and mass demonstrations. Not only did their actions pave the way for peace in Liberia, they also <a href="http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/06192009/profile.html">helped elect</a> the country's first female head of state, Ellen Johnson Sirleaf. (The effort was chronicled in the 2008 documentary <a href="http://www.praythedevilbacktohell.com/index.php"><em>Pray the Devil Back to Hell</em></a>.)</p><p><strong>4. 2006 and 2011, Colombia</strong></p><p>The girlfriends and wives of gangsters in Pereira, Colombia initiated a “crossed legs” sex strike in 2006, in hopes of curbing gang violence and the city’s high murder rate (488 murders were reported in 2005). Though it was <a href="http://www.salon.com/2006/09/13/colombia_strike/">highly publicized</a>, the strike was called off after 10 days. Some say the movement was successful because the town’s murder rate declined by<a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2006/sep/13/colombia.sibyllabrodzinsky">26.5 percent</a> in 2010, but it’s a stretch to prove that the 10-day strike had a substantial bearing on the reduced murder rate four years later.</p><p>An almost four-month, 300-woman sex strike in the Colombian town of Barbacoas in 2011 produced more measurable results. Women enacted the bedroom strike in order to bring about improved conditions on the roads connecting Barbacoas to the nearest town. It worked, and Transport Minister German Cardona <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/southamerica/colombia/8830666/Colombian-women-end-crossed-legs-abstinence-protest-for-new-road.html">pledged to invest</a> about $21 million to pave the first half of the road.</p><p><strong>5. 2009, Kenya</strong></p><p>In 2009, post-election violence in Kenya resulted in more than 1,500 deaths and half a million people displaced from their homes. In response, Kenyan women’s groups organized a weeklong, <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/8025457.stm">nation-wide sex ban</a> aimed at ending the violence, ushering in reforms such as drought relief and food shortages, and a halt to fighting between Kenya’s prime minister and president. The week ended with a prayer session that brought the warring leaders together and created a public agreement to start peace talks.</p><p><strong>6. 2011, The Philippines</strong></p><p>On Mindanao Island in the Philippines, a women’s sewing cooperative in the rural village of Dado imposed a sex strike in order to end local violence between the Philippine military and rebel forces. They wanted to ensure women could travel safely to the market to sell their wares. Giving up “the goods” so they might sell their own goods had the intended <a href="http://edition.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/09/19/philippines.sex.strike/index.html?iref=NS1">effect</a>: “Within weeks of the strike starting, the UNHCR reports that the main village road re-opened and the fighting stopped.” Women from the sewing co-op and beyond were able to start rebuilding their village’s stifled economy and get on with their lives.</p><p><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/qFR-7OuUPKs" width="560"></iframe></p><p><strong>7. 2012, Togo</strong></p><p>Inspired by the success of the 2003 Liberian sex strike, the women’s wing of the opposition group Let's Save Togo <a href="http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/08/togo-women-call-sex-strike-to-force-presidents-resignation/1#.VkEKi7erRaR">asked</a> women to refuse sex with their husbands for a week unless the men agreed to become active in protest marches and demonstrations against corrupt president Faure Gnassingbé, whose family has been in power for more than 45 years. Although the tactic proved effective in garnering media attention and helped launch a series of negotiations on electoral reform, Gnassingbé's party <a href="http://nvdatabase.swarthmore.edu/content/togolese-protesters-march-hold-sex-strikes-democracy-2012-2013">won</a> a two-thirds majority in the legislature. “Let’s Save Togo” did win 19 seats, however, including seven out of 10 seats for the capital city of Lome.</p><p><strong>8. 2012, Canada</strong></p><p>After a gang-related mass shooting in Toronto, Nicole Osbourne James <a href="https://ca.news.yahoo.com/blogs/dailybrew/guns-none-toronto-woman-encourages-gang-members-girlfriends-170856445.html">started a blog</a> called <a href="http://gunsgetnone.wordpress.com/2012/09/13/bad-boys/">Guns Get None</a> to persuade wives and girlfriends of men who owned guns to participate in a sex strike in order to quell gang violence. Its catchphrase was “Got a gun? You get none.” It’s difficult to say whether the campaign worked (or even how many women were involved), but three years later, fatal shootings in Canada are <a href="http://theconversation.com/good-news-fatal-shootings-are-now-less-common-in-australia-nz-canada-and-even-the-us-39993">less common</a> (although they are also down in the U.S.).</p><p><strong>9. 2010 and 2014, Ukraine</strong></p><p>In 2010, the controversial activist group Femen called on the girlfriends and wives of cabinet members to launch a sex boycott over sexist statements made by Ukraine’s prime minister Nikolay Azarov, who <a href="http://rt.com/news/ukraine-premier-feminist-protest/">said</a> “implementing reforms in Ukraine is not women’s business.” And in 2014, when Russia annexed Crimea, and amid escalating <a href="http://thinkprogress.org/world/2014/03/17/3411201/crimea-votes-response/">tensions</a> in the region, Ukrainian women called for a boycott on Russian men and Russian goods. The campaign was called “Don’t Give It to a Russian” and even had <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2014/03/ukrainian-women-have-launched-a-sex-strike-against-russian-men/284614/">T-shirts</a>. “Sex is known for being one of the most effective elements of [gaining] substantial attention to promo campaigns,” <a href="http://www.elle.com/culture/career-politics/news/a19128/ukraine-sex-ban-campaign-interview/">said</a> one of its founders. “To use a provocative message to claim the world's attention and interest to the Russians' aggression was one of [the most] effective ways to be heard.”</p><p><strong>10. 2014, Japan</strong></p><p>In Tokyo, a <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/feb/07/tokyo-women-sex-strike-yoichi-masuzoe">group of 3,000 women</a> called for a sex strike to prevent the election of Yoichi Masuzoe, due to a series of sexist comments he had made to a men’s magazine in 1989. The campaign, which originated on Twitter, billed itself as "the association of women who will not have sex with men who vote for Masuzoe." Masuzoe drew fire for <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/feb/07/tokyo-women-sex-strike-yoichi-masuzoe">saying</a>, among other things: "Women are not normal when they are having a period … You can't possibly let them make critical decisions about the country [during their period] such as whether or not to go to war." Masuzoe won the election.</p><p dir="ltr"> </p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1047009';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1047009"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Tue, 08 Dec 2015 11:06:00 -0800Anna Pulley, AlterNet1047009 at https://www.alternet.orgLGBTQLGBTQSex & Relationshipssex strikeswomenChiraqsocial changespike leeThe 5 Dumbest Questions People Ask Bisexuals https://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/5-dumbest-questions-people-ask-bisexuals
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1045316';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1045316"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Bisexuality has very little to do with one’s inclination to have threesomes.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2015-11-05_at_3.44.52_pm.png?itok=GBf5n1PP" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">It's <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/why-its-tough-be-bisexual">hard to be</a> bisexual—or queer or pansexual or omnisexual or heteroflexible or whatever your preferred label or non-label-of-choice might be. It's hard because of <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/why-its-tough-be-bisexual">invisibility and discrimination</a> and <a href="http://www.alternet.org/story/149710/9_stupid_myths_about_bisexuals_that_will_make_you_laugh">stereotypes and stigma</a>, and though I can’t totally prove it, I suspect Anne Heche has something to do with it.</p><p dir="ltr">It’s hard to be bisexual because it’s an orientation that resists categorization, and so is rife for misunderstanding. It’s hard because, to put it in terms we can all relate to, “I want the buffet” is confusing to those whose menu says only “fish tacos.” The following guide is here to help by fielding some of the common questions, misconceptions and comments bisexuals have to deal with as we go about our days trying to come up with a hairstyle that the Every Bisexual In The World Committee can agree on and refusing to acknowledge the existence of Tila Tequila. Read on to find out what to say and not to say to bisexuals in your life.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Do you miss dick? (Or its less-crude alternatives: Do you miss banging men/women?)</strong></p><p dir="ltr">This is possibly the most common question after “Do you want to have sex with me and my girlfriend” (which we will get to later). It implies that if a bisexual is in a monogamous relationship, she can never be happy because nothing can fill the penis-shaped hole in her heart, except a penis, of course. Your penis.</p><p dir="ltr">While it’s not the <em>most</em> socially gauche question to ask (I have, in fact, been guilty of asking it in the past), it assumes that the bisexual in question is a kind of voracious sexual pirate who can never be satisfied by one person (or one gender). Plus, even if the person does miss his GPOC (gender preference of choice), why bring it up and rub his face in all the vagina he won’t be enjoying? That’s like waving a Snickers bar in front of a diabetic.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. You can’t be bisexual because you’re in a monogamous relationship.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">The above is a sentiment posed by Larry King to out bisexual Anna Paquin who is married to a dreamy (male) vampire. Actually her response was amazing so I’m going to include the whole thing:</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr"><strong>Larry King</strong>: "Are you a non-practicing bisexual?"</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>Anna Paquin</strong>: "Well, I am married to my husband and we are happily monogamously married."</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>King</strong>: "But you were bisexual?"</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>Paquin</strong>: "Well, I don’t think it’s a past-tense thing."</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>King</strong>: "No?"</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>Paquin</strong>: "No. Are you still straight if you are with somebody—if you were to break up with them or if they were to die, it doesn’t prevent your sexuality from existing. It doesn’t really work like that."</p></blockquote><p>You tell ‘em, Sookie! Though sexuality is not always 100 percent set in stone (especially for woman), our sexual desires and proclivities don’t up and vanish when we get into a relationship. Monogamy and sexual orientation aren’t mutually exclusive. Just as you can identify as straight even if you’ve never kissed another person, you can be bisexual even if you’re only banging one person.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. You’re bisexual, so you must want to sleep with me and my girlfriend.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Bisexuality has very little to do with one’s threesome inclinations. Some like ‘em, some don’t. If bisexuals have a higher threesome rate than the general public it is because bisexuals get asked to participate in threesomes about 37 times a day, often on the Internet, often from the male half of a hetero couple. Even though a bisexual who will sleep with a straight couple is so rare that they are nicknamed “unicorns,” still we are asked constantly. I know that “two chicks at the same time!” is the sexual equivalent of the Heisman, but for the love of Pete (and Sandra), don’t assume that just because a lady is bi it means she wants to fulfill your cliche sexual fantasies, especially when the entire proposition consists of, “Ur hot. Wanna bang? My girlfriend’s bi. Probably. I don’t know. I didn’t ask her.” The threesome harassment is one of the reasons bisexual women opt not to identify as bisexual on online dating sites, which is sad.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. I don’t trust bisexuals because one time a bisexual hurt my feelings and for that I am taking this grudge to the grave against all who wear the mark of the scarlet B.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">If a ginger broke your heart would you swear off all gingers? What about a Volvo owner? Or someone with a propensity for wearing garish sweater vests? If we’re swearing people off, might as well go whole hog, you know? Because otherwise, you just look petty.</p><p dir="ltr">I understand, though, I do. Some not-nice-people also happen to be bisexual. Bisexuals have been known, once or twice throughout history, to break up with someone or hurt a feeling or two. But these are generic human attributes and should not reflect poorly on bisexuals at large. As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, judge people not by their Doc Martens and carefully messed-up hair, but by the content of their character.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Quit lying! You’re actually gay/straight.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">One of the biggest grievances among bisexuals is that no one believes us when we say we are bisexual. Not only that, some people will actively argue with us about it, which would be considered insane in literally any other context. Witness:</p><p dir="ltr">“I’m from Ohio.”</p><p dir="ltr">“No, you’re not. You’re wearing a Michigan sweatshirt, so obviously you’re full of crap.”</p><p dir="ltr">“I went to college in Michigan.”</p><p dir="ltr">“Yeah right. Who do you think you’re kidding?”</p><p dir="ltr">Or:</p><p dir="ltr">“I’m vegetarian.”</p><p dir="ltr">“I don’t think so. You just haven’t met the right ham sandwich yet.”</p><p dir="ltr">Or:</p><p dir="ltr">“I like painting.”</p><p dir="ltr">“Okay, whatever. Enjoy your phase.”</p><p dir="ltr">Even if the person telling you about his bisexuality is young and inexperienced and might decide in a few years that he is, in fact, gay or straight, disavowing someone’s identity is not doing them any favors, and might actively be harmful to their self-esteem and mental health later on. As a <a href="http://www.bisexualindex.org.uk/uploads/Main/TheBisexualityReport.pdf">2012 study illustrated</a>, bisexuals are prone to higher rates of depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicide, all of which are byproducts (pardon the pun) of biphobia.</p><p dir="ltr">When a bisexual comes out to you, listen to her, accept her reality and experiences as valid, and move on. This isn’t an incredibly boring version of Mythbusters. It’s someone’s life.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1045316';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1045316"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Thu, 05 Nov 2015 12:38:00 -0800Anna Pulley, AlterNet1045316 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipsbisexuality5 of Humanity's Most Absurd Fears About Sexhttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/5-humanitys-most-absurd-fears-about-sex
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1043678';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1043678"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Our capacity for silliness is almost boundless.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2015-10-07_at_2.56.13_pm.png?itok=yxc_3PXp" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">The tradeoff of living in the good ol’ U.S. of A. is that we like our freedom served with a heaping dose of “Don’t have sex with anyone ever!” Although sex is an incredibly popular pastime, the puritans and moral scolds, and even the media, have tried to thwart our tendencies to bang each other by instilling in us lots of fear. Some of sex’s side effects are, of course, frightening. (Hello, incurable life-threatening diseases! Hello, unwanted pregnancy! Hello, clown porn!) But many common fears of yore were simple scare tactics that were completely unfounded and often downright laughable. Read on to learn about some of mankind’s most ridiculous sex fears.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Masturbating will make you blind and hairy and possibly kill you.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Rubbin’ the nubbin has been a controversial act for hundreds of years. The Christian interpretation of the story of Onan in the Old Testament, which is actually a tale of coitus interruptus, is partly to blame. Onan was decreed by religious law to impregnate his dead brother’s wife, but felt bad about it mid-coitus and ended up "spilling his seed" on the ground instead. For some reason, the church took this and said, “So don’t masturbate, a.k.a. spill your seed anywhere but in a God-approved vagina.” Masturbation is sometimes referred to as “onanism” for this reason.</p><p dir="ltr">But the notion that masturbation offended God didn’t really stop anyone from attending the party in their own pants, so naysayers (which included prominent doctors and educators) stepped up their game and said masturbation would also make you blind, insane, hairy of palm, impotent and maybe even dead. To quote American physician <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=udIPAQAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA225&amp;dq=masturbation+causes+blindness&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CB0Q6AEwAGoVChMIwfjAoMefyAIVAkiICh03yQOF#v=onepage&amp;q=masturbation%20causes%20blindness&amp;f=false">Benjamin Rush</a> in 1831, masturbation led to things like “vertigo, epilepsy, hypochondriasis, loss of memory, manalgia [depression], fatuity [insanity] and death.”</p><p dir="ltr">This fear campaign still didn’t stop people from jerkin’ the gherkin, however, and throughout the 19th century, punishments for masturbating included (for boys) having to wear spiked penis corsets (here’s a <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=Kmvd_EnxupoC&amp;pg=PA79&amp;lpg=PA79&amp;dq=leather+jacket+corset+fleck+1831&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=lCJIcQlz_S&amp;sig=N1gdVeHCAPi8NfV6V4H9AMWYiUs&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CB0Q6AEwAGoVChMI97X6-sqfyAIVjzuICh05uw3v#v=onepage&amp;q=leather%20jacket%20corset%20fleck%201831&amp;f=false">picture</a>), having their hands tied to bedposts at night and having the genitals cauterized.</p><p dir="ltr">What about women, you ask? Were they punished for cleaning the bean? Ha ha! Everyone knows women don’t masturbate! (At least Victorian sexism was good for one thing.)</p><p>You’ll be happy to know that modern science has never linked masturbation to <a href="http://kinseyconfidential.org/adverse-effects-frequent-masturbation/">any adverse health effects</a>, and in 1972, the American Medical Association declared masturbation to be a “normal” sexual activity. So diddle your fiddle to your heart’s content. Your eyes and mind and follicles will be fine.</p><p><strong>2. Having sex before an athletic competition will make you lose.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">It’s a common belief in the sports world that sex is a detriment to athletic performance, which is a myth that’s been around for centuries and probably started in <a href="http://www.alternet.org/culture/fiery-shafts-love-20-piece-sex-advice-ancient-greece-and-rome">Ancient Greece</a>. Abstaining from sex supposedly makes athletes more aggressive (because they are sexually frustrated) and allows them to save their “vitality” (testosterone) for the sporting event that counts—often, putting a thing into a hole (just not the lady kind). When Muhammad Ali was training for a fight, for instance, he didn’t have <a href="http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/02/0222_060222_sex.html">sex for six weeks prior</a>. Football teams like the Pittsburgh Steelers were physically separated from their wives before the Super Bowl in 2006. Olympians like gold medal speed skater Chad Hedrick <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/WinterGames2006/story?id=1636053">said</a> that in order to win, it "really helps to stay away from [sex] and really focus on what you are here for."</p><p dir="ltr">But scientists tell us there is no physiological evidence to corroborate the fear that sex before a competition is harmful. “In fact, some studies suggest that pre-sports sex may actually aid athletes by raising their testosterone levels,” notes <em><a href="http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/02/0222_060222_sex.html">National Geographic</a></em>. Hence, sex would boost your aggression. On the contrary, if an athlete goes three months without sex, his testosterone levels will be reduced to that of a child. "Do you think this may be useful for a boxer?" says Emmanuele A. Jannini, a professor of endocrinology who has studied effects of sex on athletic performance.</p><p dir="ltr">A pre-pump bump is also helpful to female athletes before competitions, because sex helps to relieve sports injuries and muscle pain, according to Barry Komisaruk, a psychology professor at Rutgers University in Newark, N.J. <a href="http://bossip.com/1232111/is-that-her-secret-mma-azz-kicker-ronda-rousey-says-she-has-as-much-sex-as-possible-before-fights-video-43081/">Ronda Rousey</a>, the MMA fighting champ and badass, says she tries to have “as much sex as possible” before a fight.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Sports make women infertile and gay and prostitutes.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Speaking of sports, where do I begin with all the misfortunes that physical activity was once thought to have on the frail constitution known as the female body? Let’s start with “bicycle face,” which was a fear written about in respected <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?id=JZb0ibgYDCIC&amp;pg=PR17&amp;lpg=PR17&amp;dq=%22bicycle+face%22+medical&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=p5WQzuQu7k&amp;sig=cHrfRQTMiyC0AZoOn-zbfUtaYA8&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=T2fXUanhM7iz4AO064CgBA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22bicycle%20face%22%20medical&amp;f=false">medical journals</a> in the late 1800s.</p><p dir="ltr">Doctors claimed that women who rode bicycles would become horribly disfigured in the face, because the strain of pedaling was too much for the delicate ladybrain. “Imagining the pain of a woman sitting astride a bicycle, [doctors] warned of a wrinkled face response, and the permanences of such disfigurement.”</p><p dir="ltr">Not only was bicycling thought to turn you ugly, it also turned women into prostitutes. One particularly humorous example of this comes from Jennifer Hargreaves' book <em>Sporting Females</em>. In the Victorian era, "Cycling ... was claimed to be an indolent and indecent activity which tended to destroy the sweet simplicity of a girl's nature and which might cause her to fall into the arms of a strange man! The worst fear was that cycling might even transport a girl to prostitution."</p><p dir="ltr">Because if you ride one thing, you obviously want to ride ALL THE THINGS.</p><p dir="ltr">The fears didn’t stop with whore-ish pedaling, however. Baseball and basketball were also thought to turn women into sex workers, as well as infertile, mannish, failed heterosexuals. Author Fred Wittner wrote in 1934's <em>Literary Digest</em> that "girls trained in physical education to-day may find it difficult to attract the most worthy fathers for their children."</p><p dir="ltr">It’s easy to laugh at texts like this, but some of these bizarre attitudes still exist today. In Afghanistan, for example, it's deeply taboo for women to ride bikes, play soccer or fly kites (in a strange loophole, girls can <a href="http://www.eastbayexpress.com/oakland/reinventing-the-wheels/Content?oid=4210451&amp;showFullText=true">skateboard</a>, however). I think the real “bicycle face” should be the look of horror and disgust sane people have when told that pedaling turns women into infertile trolls.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Education makes women infertile.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">While we’re on the topic, “let’s control women’s bodies and sexual agency” has been the running theme of many sexual fears in the United States since the birth of our fair nation.</p><p dir="ltr">At the top of the list of fears in the 19th century was women going to college, which was supposed to be the downfall of civilization. In his 1876 book <a href="http://www.aauw.org/2013/05/13/college-doesnt-make-you-infertile/"><em>Sex in Education: Or, a Fair Chance for Girls</em></a>, Harvard Medical School physician Edward H. Clarke said that education would lead to a slew of health problems, including infertility. His theory was that a woman who spent her time on the “excessive” studying required in college would transfer precious energy from her reproductive organs to her brain. Clarke wrote that he saw “numerous pale, weak, neuralgic, dyspeptic … girls and women that are living illustrations of this monograph.” He went on to describe the “thousand ills” of American women, all attributed to the “educational methods of our schools and colleges.”</p><p dir="ltr">In what is perhaps the greatest revenge, <a href="https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2013/02/21/new-book-explains-why-women-outpace-men-education">women have been outperforming men in college</a> since they started attending in the 1920s, and for every man that earns a college degree, nearly two women will. But don’t worry, we still get paid less! For every job (except modeling)!</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Polyphonic music is too damn sexy for Catholics.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Music has often been a great source of sexual fear and panic, from Elvis’s hip swivel, which was deemed <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/cultureshock/flashpoints/music/elvis.html">too sexy for prime time</a>, to the public outcry over every music video Miley Cyrus makes. But the fear that music had a stimulating effect on people goes way, way back. In 1324, Pope John XXII <a href="http://www.cengage.com/music/book_content/049557273X_wrightSimms_DEMO/assets/ITOW/7273X_10b_ITOW_John_XXII.pdf">banned</a> polyphonic music, which is music that has two or more lines of simultaneous melody. The Pope decreed that such melodies “intoxicate the ear without satisfying it; they dramatize the text with gestures; and, instead of promoting devotion, they prevent it by creating a sensuous and indecent atmosphere.”</p><p dir="ltr">“The ban on ‘lascivious, impure’ polyphonic music was largely upheld until the mid-1500s,” writes <a href="http://www.cracked.com/article_22224_8-plainly-stupid-fears-that-held-back-human-progress.html">Cracked</a>, “when Palestrina's ‘Missa Papae Marcelli’ was composed. A performance of the polyphonic Mass blew the Vatican's robes off, and Pope Marcellus II decided that this Mass, written in his honor, was too beautiful to keep from the people.”</p><p dir="ltr">Thus putting an end to the Mass hysteria, at least until the next scandal.</p> <p> </p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1043678';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1043678"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Wed, 07 Oct 2015 11:48:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1043678 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsCultureSex & Relationshipssex24 Life-Changing Poems About Desire, Love, Marriage, Loss (and Blow Jobs)https://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/24-life-changing-poems-about-desire-love-marriage-loss-and-blow-jobs
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1041733';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1041733"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">From first-date jitters to soul-crushing breakups, poems speak the universal language of emotion.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2015-08-31_at_10.50.23_am.png?itok=tKmkAYDV" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--><p>Poetry tends to get a bad rap in our culture, for its obtuseness, its inaccessibility and its pesky habit of making us think and feel things we might not want to think or feel.</p><p>Yet poetry has the capacity to be the most life-changing of the arts. Poetry changes the way we see and experience the world, reveals aspects of our lives and loves we may have lost sight of, and opens us up to the transformative possibilities of language. In its astonishing yet simple way, poetry allows us to reconnect with a world that often feels like it takes us for granted.</p><p>The following poems speak to the emotions specific to different phases in relationships, from first-date jitters to decades-long loves to soul-crushing breakups. (Some of these are excerpts. Poems with links in the title will take you to the full versions.)</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1F0xUH7"><img alt="cummings" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/cummings.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>1. When you’re infatuated and everything feels intense, yet vague and uncertain.</strong></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px;">“</span><a href="http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1613/lets-live-suddenly-without-thinking/" style="font-size: 12px;">Let’s Live Suddenly Without Thinking</a><span style="font-size: 12px;">” by e.e. cummings</span></p><p>let’s live like the light that kills<br />and let’s as silence,<br />because Whirl’s after all:<br />(after me) love, and after you.<br />I occasionally feel vague how<br />vague idon’t know tenuous Now-<br />spears and The Then-arrows making do<br />our mouths something red, something tall</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1PB49Cy"><img alt="rumi" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/rumi.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>2. When you’re trying to convince someone to go on a date with you.</strong></p><p>Anything by Rumi, but this one in particular:</p><p>Come to the orchard in Spring.<br />There is light and wine, and sweethearts<br />in the pomegranate flowers.</p><p>If you do not come, these do not matter.<br />If you do come, these do not matter.</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1PB4p4q"><img alt="langston" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/langston1.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>3. When someone's playing hard to get.</strong></p><p>“Evil” by Langston Hughes</p><p>Looks like what drives me crazy<br />Don’t have no effect on you—<br />But I’m gonna keep on at it<br />Till it drives you crazy, too.</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1PB4Aww"><img alt="cope" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/cope.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>4. When you've just started dating and everything is playful and warm and sexy.</strong></p><p>“Some People” by Wendy Cope</p><p>Some people like sex more than others—<br />You seem to like it a lot.<br />There’s nothing wrong with being innocent or high minded</p><p>But I’m glad you’re not.</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1F0z0Tl"><img alt="ohara" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/ohara.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>5. When you are in the first blush of love and you want to shout it from the rooftops.</strong></p><p>“<a href="https://people.creighton.edu/~mlm22940/writings/ohara/steps.html" target="_blank">Steps</a>" by Frank O’Hara</p><p>oh god it’s wonderful<br />to get out of bed<br />and drink too much coffee<br />and smoke too many cigarettes<br />and love you so much</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1Im1Mhn"><img alt="cummings2" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/cummings2.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>6. When you finally have sex again after a long dry spell.</strong></p><p>“I Like My Body When It Is With Your” by e.e. cummings</p><p>i like my body when it is with your<br />body. It is so quite new a thing.<br />Muscles better and nerves more.<br />i like your body. i like what it does,<br />i like its hows. i like to feel the spine<br />of your body and its bones,and the trembling<br />-firm-smooth ness and which i will<br />again and again and again<br />kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,<br />i like, slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz<br />of your electric furr,and what-is-it comes<br />over parting flesh….And eyes big love-crumbs,</p><p>and possibly i like the thrill</p><p>of under me you so quite new</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1NDjepu"><img alt="auden" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/auden.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>7. When you find yourself thinking, “You know, there really aren’t enough poems about blow jobs.”</strong></p><p>“<a href="http://www.vulture.com/2008/03/how_dirty_is_that_auden_poem_t.html">The Platonic Blow</a>” W.H. Auden</p><p>I plunged with a rhythmical lunge steady and slow,<br />And at every stroke made a corkscrew roll with my tongue.<br />His soul reeled in the feeling. He whimpered “Oh!”<br />As I tongued and squeezed and rolled and tickled and swung.</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1PB5M2X"><img alt="51C9QYjlzoL._SX355_BO1,204,203,200_" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/51C9QYjlzoL._SX355_BO1204203200_.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>8. When you’re a queer gal who is tired of people asking you how “lesbian sex” works.</strong></p><p>"Haiku" by Anna Pulley (<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1250072646/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=1250072646&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=annapulley-20&amp;linkId=MW6GBFNPPWD4TDQM">Shameless plug</a>!)</p><p>Picture foreplay that<br />lasts longer than a few seconds.<br />Now, add crying.</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1PB6e16"><img alt="janemiller" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/janemiller.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>9. When you’re in a long-distance relationship or just missing your sweetheart.</strong></p><p>“May You Always Be the Darling of Fortune” by Jane Miller</p><p>March 10th and the snow flees like eloping brides<br />into rain. The imperceptible change begins<br />out of an old rage and glistens, chaste, with its new<br />craving, spring. May your desire always overcome</p><p>your need; your story that you have to tell,<br />enchanting, mutable, may it fill the world<br />you believe: a sunny view, flowers lunging<br />from the sill, the quilt, the chair, all things</p><p>fill with you and empty and fill. And hurry, because<br />now as I tire of my studied abandon, counting<br />the days, I’m sad. Yet I trust your absence, in everything<br />wholly evident: the rain in the white basin, and I</p><p>vigilant.</p><div id="attachment_3059"><a href="http://amzn.to/1PB6uxf"><img alt="Free on Kindle!" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/yeats.jpg" /></a><p>(Free on Kindle!)</p><p><strong>10. When you want to take your sweetheart out on a fancy date, but you're broke.</strong></p></div><p>“Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven” by W. B. Yeats</p><p>Had I the heaven’s embroidered cloths,<br />Enwrought with golden and silver light,<br />The blue and the dim and the dark cloths<br />Of night and light and the half-light;<br />I would spread the cloths under your feet:<br />But I, being poor, have only my dreams;<br />I have spread my dreams under your feet;<br />Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1Im5ZBF"><img alt="gregg" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/gregg.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>11. When you want longing to overtake you.</strong></p><p>“<a href="http://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/let-birds">Let Birds</a>” by Linda Gregg</p><p>Let birds, let birds.<br />Let leaf be passion.<br />Let jaw, let teeth, let tongue be<br />between us. Let joy.<br />Let entering. Let rage and calm join.<br />Let quail come.<br />Let winter impress you. Let spring.<br />Allow the ocean to wake in you.<br />Let the mare in the field<br />in the summer morning mist<br />make you whinny. Make you come<br />to the fence and whinny. Let birds.</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1NKopmE"><img alt="kahlil" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/kahlil.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>12. When you’re fighting and seeking advice on how to grow together.</strong></p><p>“On Marriage” by Khalil Gibran</p><p>Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.<br />For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.<br />And stand together yet not too near together:<br />For the pillars of the temple stand apart,<br />And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.</p><p><img alt="prado.jpt" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/prado.jpt_.jpg" /></p><p><strong>13. When the years just keep getting better and better.</strong></p><p>“<a href="https://shanarose.wordpress.com/2013/10/18/plainlove/" target="_blank">Plain Love</a>” by Adelia Prado, translated by Ellen Watson</p><p>Tough as old boots, plain love is scrawny, sex-mad,<br />and has as many children as you can imagine.<br />It makes up for not speaking by doing.<br />It plants three-colored kisses all around the house,<br />purple and white longings,<br />both the simple and the intense.<br />Plain love is good because it doesn’t grow old.<br />It concentrates on the essential, what glitters in its eyes<br />is what it is</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1PB7h0Z"><img alt="piercy" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/piercy.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>14. When you’re in a long-term relationship and you’re stressed and have maybe forgotten how exquisite your partner is.</strong></p><p>“<a href="http://extraneousness.blogspot.com/2009/07/letter-we-thought-we-sent.html">Hand Games</a>” by Marge Piercy</p><p>Mostly the television is on<br />and the washer is running and the kettle<br />shrieks it’s boiling while the telephone<br />rings. Mostly we are worrying about<br />the fuel bill and how to pay the taxes<br />and whether the diet is working<br />when the moment of vulnerability<br />lights on the nose like a blue moth<br />and flitters away through clouds of mosquitoes<br />and the humid night. In the leaking<br />sieve of our bodies we carry<br />the blood of love.</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1NDkWaz"><img alt="cisneros" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/cisneros.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>15. When it’s over, but you’re nostalgic and grandiose and just want to feel an ounce of connection to something, anything.</strong></p><p>“Bay Poem from Berkeley” by Sandra Cisneros</p><p>Mornings I still<br />reach for you before<br />opening my eyes.</p><p>An antique habit from<br />last summer when we pulled<br />each other into the heat of groin<br />and belly, slept with an arm<br />around the other.</p><p>The Texas sun was like that.<br />Like a body asleep beside you.<br />But when I open my eyes<br />to the flannel and down,<br />mist at the window and blue<br />light from the bay, I remember<br />where I am.</p><p>This weight<br />on the other side of the bed<br />is only books, not you. What<br />I said I loved more than you.</p><p>True.<br />Though these mornings<br />I wish books loved back</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1PB7PnE"><img alt="gluck" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/gluck.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>16. When relationships and sex are the furthest things from your mind.</strong></p><p>“<a href="http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/179759" target="_blank">Mock Orange</a>” by Louise Gluck</p><p>It is not the moon, I tell you.<br />It is these flowers<br />lighting the yard.</p><p>I hate them.<br />I hate them as I hate sex,<br />the man’s mouth<br />sealing my mouth, the man’s<br />paralyzing body—</p><p>and the cry that always escapes,<br />the low, humiliating<br />premise of union—</p><p>In my mind tonight<br />I hear the question and pursuing answer<br />fused in one sound<br />that mounts and mounts and then<br />is split into the old selves,<br />the tired antagonisms. Do you see?<br />We were made fools of.</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1NKpf2I"><img alt="rilke" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/rilke.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>17. When it’s O.V.E.R.</strong></p><p>“<a href="https://sites.google.com/site/uteurydice/the-history-of-orpheus-and-eurydice/rilke-s-orpheus-eurydice-hermes" target="_blank">Orpheus, Eurydice, Hermes</a>” by Rilke, translated by Stephen Mitchell</p><p>She was no longer that woman with blue eyes<br />who once had echoed through the poet’s songs,<br />no longer the wide couch’s scent and island,<br />and that man’s property no longer.</p><p>She was already loosened like long hair,<br />poured out like fallen rain,<br />shared like a limitless supply.</p><p>She was already root.</p><p>And when, abruptly,<br />the god put out his hand to stop her, saying,<br />with sorrow in his voice: He has turned around —,<br />she could not understand, and softly answered<br />Who?</p><p> </p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1NKpqLq"><img alt="essbaum" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/essbaum.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>18. When it’s O.V.E.R. and you could not be happier.</strong></p><p>“<a href="http://42opus.com/v7n4/epistolary" target="_blank">Epistolary</a>” by Jill Alexander Essbaum</p><p>Dear BLANK.<br />I shall be brief, but frank,</p><p>Terse if not curt, aloof, though unswerving—<br />What little we had amounted to nothing.</p><p>And yet I write you this missive, as if.<br />I sit on a sandbank as I scribe this,</p><p>For tonight the twilit beach is impossibly<br />Gorgeous. No wind, no fog, no moody</p><p>Sorts of weather. No the two of us together<br />Like the last time, but whatever.</p><p>And on the verge of this horizon’s indifference,<br />I watch as a ship slips into the distance.</p><p>And with it, my resistance to our over-ness.<br />Well, well. What a tideswell that idled between us.</p><p>The untidy-up-able mess<br />Of your meanness, piles of petty treasons</p><p>Birthed like broken promises, breech.<br />But I have not rung your cell phone now for weeks.</p><p>So our terminus no more consumes me.<br />And irrevocable dolors no more entomb me.</p><p>You see?<br />You have not ruined me.</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1NDlDk3"><img alt="dorothyallison" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/dorothyallison.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>19. When you’re struggling with your sexuality or identity or finding the right words to explain your heart.</strong></p><p>“we all nourish truth with our tongues” by Dorothy Allison</p><p>I learned then that what no one would say<br />was the thing about which nothing could be done.<br />If they would not say Lesbian<br />I could not say pride.<br />If they would not say Queer<br />I could not say courage.<br />If they would not name me<br />Bastard, worthless, stupid, whore<br />I could not grab onto my own spoken language,<br />my love for my kind, myself. …</p><p>Then with no walls around us, you and I<br />will speak of truth to each other,<br />the soil that grows the vegetable<br />as deeply as the flower that never<br />touches the soil.</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1NDniWL"><img alt="laux" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/laux.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>20. When the relationship wasn’t meant to be, but the sex was fantastic.</strong></p><p>“<a href="http://puisipoesy.blogspot.com/2006/10/word.html">The Word</a>” by Dorianne Laux</p><p>You called it screwing, what we did nights<br />on the rug in front of the mirror, draped<br />over the edge of a hotel bed, on balconies<br />overlooking the dark hearts of fir trees</p><p>or a city of flickering lights. You’d<br />whisper that word into my ear<br />as if it were a thing you could taste —<br />a sliver of fish, a swirl of chocolate</p><p>on the tongue. …</p><p>And your voice<br />comes back to me through the trees, this word<br />for what we couldn’t help but do<br />to each other — a thin cry, unwinding.</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1NDnvZY"><img alt="gibson" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/gibson.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>21. When you have “mastered the art of giving yourself for the sake of someone else.”</strong></p><p>“Say Yes” by Andrea Gibson</p><p><iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="281" src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/31307875" style="max-width: 100%;" width="500"></iframe></p><p> </p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1Kb6QMY"><img alt="phillips" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/phillips.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px;">22. When you’re stuck, and your memories are your only pain and your only solace.</span></strong></p><p>“Heaven” by Patrick Phillips</p><p>It will be the past<br />and we’ll live there together.</p><p>Not as it was to<em>live</em><br />but as it is remembered.</p><p>It will be the past.<br />We’ll all go back together.</p><p>Everyone we ever loved,<br />and lost, and must remember.</p><p>It will be the past.<br />And it will last forever.</p><p><a href="http://http//francescabellpoet.com/"><img alt="FrancescaB-2014" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/FrancescaB-2014.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px;">23. When you’ve broken up, but can’t stay away.</span></strong></p><p>“And Then” by Francesca Bell</p><p>the man remembers your body,<br />remembers to love you again,<br />flicks you like a switch<br />that has waited, ready<br />in the room’s shadows.<br />Loneliness rises from each<br />reclaimed centimeter<br />of your skin. You are so<br />eager you are humiliated,<br />rushing forth like a hound<br />loosed in woods, your cry<br />like joy or keening, a baying<br />that bursts out of you, months<br />of waiting become sound. After,<br />the man sleeps, peaceful, but you<br />are a door he’s opened, a path<br />grown over now beaten<br />back down. You feel his life,<br />which will end before yours,<br />slide slowly away into the dark.</p><p><a href="http://amzn.to/1Kb7Xw7"><img alt="oliver" rel="tc-fancybox-group3045" src="http://annapulley.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/oliver.jpg" /></a></p><p><strong>24. When you’re grieving the loss of something momentous, but starting to feel okay about it.</strong></p><p>“<a href="http://www.brainpickings.org/2014/09/24/mary-oliver-reads-wild-geese/" target="_blank">Wild Geese</a>” by Mary Oliver</p><p>You do not have to be good.<br />You do not have to walk on your knees<br />For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.<br />You only have to let the soft animal of your body<br />love what it loves.<br />Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.<br />Meanwhile the world goes on.<br />Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain<br />are moving across the landscapes,<br />over the prairies and the deep trees,<br />the mountains and the rivers.<br />Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,<br />are heading home again.<br />Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,<br />the world offers itself to your imagination,<br />calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —<br />over and over announcing your place<br />in the family of things.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1041733';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1041733"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Mon, 31 Aug 2015 10:34:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1041733 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipspoem7 Tips for Better Sex That Aren't Glaringly Obvioushttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/7-tips-better-sex-arent-glaringly-obvious
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1041497';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1041497"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Because &#039;use a vibrator&#039; and &#039;try reverse cowgirl&#039; aren’t all that helpful.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_257038963.jpg?itok=fabbSXl0" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">The standard advice for experiencing better, longer, mind-blowing-er orgasms is usually some variation of the insanely obvious. “Have you tried using a vibrator?” “Why not ‘change it up’ and have the woman be on top?” Which, sure, if you’re an inexperienced teen or have been living in a religious cult for the majority of your sexual life, such tips will probably be helpful. But for the rest of us who have at least a vague awareness of our sexual desires and access to books and the internet, these tips tend to miss the mark. Below is a guide that aims to help women have better, more fulfilling sex lives that go beyond the surface-level advice, and challenges some of our sex-negative cultural beliefs. Many of these are derived from Dr. Emily Nagoski’s excellent book, <a href="http://amzn.to/1PdILU5" target="_blank">Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life</a> and Jenny Block’s newly released <a href="http://amzn.to/1OY74Vu" target="_blank">O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm</a>.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Your sex drive is fine!</strong></p><p dir="ltr">One of the biggest deterrents to women’s sexual health and capacity for pleasure is the deeply ingrained and culturally reinforced idea that women’s sexual responses should mimic men’s sexual responses. That is, women should experience instantaneous desire (one stray sexual thought and you’re ready to bone the night away) or else they are deemed “broken.” But as Nagoski, who is a sex educator with a PhD, has done work at the Kinsey Institute, and is director of wellness education at Smith College, explains, women’s desire is more often responsive (not out of the blue, but coming gradually, in response to arousal but not preceding it). Women tend to believe they have “low or no desire” in comparison to men— and pharmaceutical companies are doing their damnedest to make women feel broken and that they need medical intervention, a la a pink Viagra—but it’s more often the case that they simply desire <a href="http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/07/04/real-pink-viagra-1/" target="_blank">in a different way</a> than men.</p><p dir="ltr">“What these women need is not medical treatment, but a thoughtful exploration of what creates desire between them and their partners. This is likely to include confidence in their bodies, feeling accepted, and (not least) explicitly erotic stimulation. Feeling judged or broken for their sexuality is exactly what they don’t need—and what will make their desire for sex genuinely shut down,” Nagoski <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/27/opinion/nothing-is-wrong-with-your-sex-drive.html?_r=0" target="_blank">writes</a>.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Orgasms happen in your brain</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Spectatoring describes the notion of worrying about our performance and sexual functioning while we are having sex. Many of us are guilty of it, and unsurprisingly, this kind of thinking does not tend to lead to mind-blowing orgasms. One way to stop spectatoring is to use mindfulness techniques, that is, when you notice you’re thinking negatively about yourself, stop, let the thought go, and switch gears to focus on something else, preferably a sensation, such as how your skin feels, your breath, how great your partner looks between your legs, basically anything to stop the negative cycle in your brain. Like all things, this can take practice, but retraining your brain is entirely possible.</p><p dir="ltr">Part of reducing spectatoring is also shutting down those thoughts about “taking too long,” worrying what you look or smell like, or fear that your partner is getting bored. As Block, who has been a sex writer for Huffington Post and Playboy, writes, “There’s no such thing as ‘taking too long.’ The average woman needs 20-30 minutes of play to lead her to an orgasm. … Don’t apologize. Don’t rush. Worrying about the time keeps you from being present and makes it even more unlikely that you’ll come.”</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Context is key</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Nagoski reminds us that the reasons orgasms feel different—why sometimes you feel exploding rainbows of ecstasy and other times it’s about as exciting as eating hummus—is because they depend entirely on the context in which you experience them. She uses the example of tickling and how that can feel great when it’s used playfully, say while flirting with your partner, and awful when you’re annoyed and waiting in line at Trader Joe’s.</p><p dir="ltr">Pleasure is context-specific, and so is orgasm. In that sense, as Nagoski writes, “regardless of what body parts … are stimulated, the process is the same: Orgasm is the sudden release of sexual tension.” It’s all fine and good to experiment with different kinds of sensations to try to produce orgasms—e.g. G-spot stimulation, breast play, A-spots, U-spots, anal, and even using one’s mind to facilitate orgasm—but at the end of the day, there’s only one kind of sexual release, and what matters is how YOU experience that release. As Block put it, “The only right way to come is the way that makes you come.”</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Reduce your stress</strong></p><p dir="ltr">You’ve probably heard this one before, but when it comes to sex, managing stress is a) often harder than it sounds and b) not simply just about “calming down.” According to Come As You Are, “stress reduces sexual interest in 80-90 percent of people and reduces sexual pleasure in everyone.” The best way to deal with stress is to allow your body to “complete the stress response cycle”—not shutting down the feelings and fears associated with stress, but doing activities that tell your body and brain that you are relaxed and safe.</p><p dir="ltr">Cycling through your stress is relevant to getting yourself back on the sexy track, and a few things that facilitate it are: Exercise, which puts the good kind of stress, or eustress, on your body, being affectionate, having a good cry or scream, tensing and relaxing your muscles, using guided meditation, or pampering yourself (aka self-care), with activities such as basic as grooming, self-massage, manicures, etc. being helpful.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. How you feel about your body is really, really important</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Women are taught from very early on to feel shame about their bodies and sex parts, and this shaming can be traced all the way back to medieval times (and beyond), when anatomists decided to name women’s external genitals as the “pudendum,” which is from the Latin pudere, meaning “to make ashamed.” Thanks medieval anatomists!</p><p dir="ltr">But, there’s good news too. According to Nagoski, we are more than capable of reversing these learned, negative thoughts and self judgments. “How you feel about your genitals … is learned, and loving your body just as it is will give you more intense arousal and desire and bigger, better orgasms.”</p><p dir="ltr">When we are mean to ourselves or self-critical, it makes it that much harder to feel sexual and truly in our bodies. To counter this, Nagoski recommends that we imagine we “Never say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t want to say to your best friend or your daughter.”</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>6. The clit is it</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Though there is no wrong way to orgasm (seriously, do what feels good to you!), clitoral stimulation is how a majority of women achieve orgasm. It’s totally fine and normal to get your tension release some other way, but if you’re struggling with it, clit awareness, as Block put it, “is paramount.” Or as Nagoski describes it, the clitoris is “Grand Central Station for erotic sensation.” The clit’s importance can perhaps best be explained by women’s self-induced orgasm habits. According to multiple studies listed, including Kinsey’s <a href="http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/female-volume.html" target="_blank">female volume</a> and <a href="http://amzn.to/1McHpJA" target="_blank">The Hite Report</a>, 80 to 90 percent of women who masturbate tend to focus on external pleasure, and do not penetrate themselves, even when using vibrators.</p><p dir="ltr">Penis-in-vagina intercourse then, unfortunately, is not a very effective way to facilitate orgasm for women. Less than a third of women can reliably come that way, so, alas, you can Reverse Cowgirl all you want, but unless you’re one of those lucky few women, you’ll probably have to find a different rodeo if you want your bronco to truly buck.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>7. You are responsible for your orgasm</strong></p><p>Despite countless magazines professing ways to “give” women orgasms, at the end of the day, the responsibility falls to you, the orgasm-haver or desirer. As Block writes, “No one can ‘give’ a woman an orgasm. A woman has an orgasm. It’s not something that someone grants to someone else. It is something that you give yourself over to.” This is both bad and good news. Bad because for a lot of women, PIV sex is the only sanctioned kind of sex and as we’ve covered, doesn’t often lead to exploding rainbows. But it’s good too because we are the only people we CAN change, so we might as well start from there. Being responsible for your O involves knowing yourself, what you respond to, what triggers your sexual accelerator and <a href="http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/22/the-dual-control-model/" target="_blank">sexual brakes</a>, and being able to speak up and communicate those wants to a partner, which is probably the hardest part. As Block writes, “women’s pleasure has taken a backseat to men’s and women, all too often, have taken a backseat to men. It’s time for us to be in the driver’s seat.”</p><p>Vroom.</p><p> </p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1041497';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1041497"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Wed, 26 Aug 2015 11:39:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1041497 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipssexorgasmssex driveGetting It On With Soft-Core Porn: The Trials of Teen Sex in a Country Totally Bizarre About Sexualityhttps://www.alternet.org/getting-it-soft-core-porn-trials-teen-sex-country-totally-bizarre-about-sexuality
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1040669';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1040669"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">I was basically clueless when it came to pleasuring a real live human.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2015-08-10_at_9.57.42_am.png?itok=y6FwweGW" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr"><em>Part II in a three-part series. Read Part I <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/time-i-tried-lose-my-virginity-christian-who-liked-get-bible">here</a>.</em></p><p dir="ltr">Like many of my teen compatriots in the 1990s, quite a few of my first sexual escapades came about because of a game. No, not "Sorry," though I sure was a lot of the time. The game was Truth or Dare. ToD gave rise to my first time kissing a girl, the first time I got naked in public, and the first time I tried and failed to give a handy in a hot tub—which was like trying to spread hummus on a chinchilla underwater.</p><p dir="ltr">Truth or Dare occupies a strange sexual loophole in our culture, especially for young people. It gives us permission to be sexual, without being explicit or facing stigma or rejection. It’s a game about power, control and contained recklessness. Because teens are curious about sex, but often have no parameters for exploring or even discussing it, Truth or Dare can feel like one of the few outlets available in a culture that demands women be sexy, but not sexual (see “<a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/8-things-america-gets-terribly-wrong-about-sex">8 Things America Gets Horribly Wrong About Sex</a>”). I certainly had lots of questions about myself and sexuality that weren’t remotely covered in my school’s sex ed class (which was, weirdly, combined with drivers ed).</p><p dir="ltr">ToD allowed me to approach my curiosities and pleasure in a relatively safe context. And frankly, I needed the crutch. I couldn't just be sexual, because that would be "slutty" at best or desperate at worst. So it’s perhaps unsurprising that my attempt to lose my virginity was also prompted by the game (and let’s be honest, a lot of Smirnoff Ices).</p><p dir="ltr">I met Luke, a lean and dreamy soldier in the United States Air Force, at the Safehouse. Though the Safehouse sounds like a place for teen runaways, it was, in fact, a coffee shop. Luke was a tall, tattooed, Irish chainsmoker who loved to tell dirty jokes, drink and get in fights—all of which may have contributed to him getting discharged from the military eventually. But that came later.</p><p dir="ltr">One night at the Safehouse, as I was second-hand smoking my way through a pack of menthol cigarettes, Luke suggested we go back to my friend Donna’s house with her boyfriend to drink whiskey and watch the World Wrestling Federation. I agreed to go because I figured I would finally get a chance to try a few bodyslams of my own on Luke.</p><p dir="ltr">I don’t remember who suggested that we play Truth or Dare at Donna’s, but it was probably me because I am that obvious. Everyone was game, however, and soon we were daring each other to pretend to take it up the butt from a door knob “and act like you really enjoy it,” and Donna and I were mashing our faces together the way two drunk girls who’ve never kissed a girl are prone to do—sloppily and for the benefit of those not involved in the kissing. Though I would later go on to kiss a great many girls in my life, this particular kiss turned me off girl-kissing for almost two years. It wasn’t just that she tasted like a minty ashtray (I myself undoubtedly smelled like citrusy rubbing alcohol), it was just so forced and comical. She stuck her tongue out and I wrapped my mouth around it, like I was trying to swallow a cell phone.</p><p dir="ltr">Once we were all sufficiently drunk and humiliated—Luke drank enough Jack Daniels to sterilize a small lake—we retreated to our separate bedrooms, and to my delight, Luke came with me into the spare room. With the lights off and a creaky futon threatening to tip us onto the floor at any minute, we shared our first kiss, which was not magical, but compared to the eel show that was my prior kiss with Donna, it wasn’t so bad.</p><p dir="ltr">Like many teenage girls, I grew up reading countless magazines with sex advice that involved using most of the condiments in the dry-goods pantry, which taught that fellating is best done with the help of <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/i-tried-cosmos-weirdest-sex-tips-so-you-dont-have">pastries</a>, and that if I truly wanted to drive men wild, I should gently tap their balls like tiny maracas. I was basically clueless when it came to actually pleasuring a real live human. I realized this shortly after Luke and I started fooling around, but I couldn’t exactly stop mid-makeout and ask him where he thought Donna kept the barbeque sauce. And I didn’t want to be one of those girls who just lays there like a frozen ice-mummy.</p><p dir="ltr">With my magazine sex knowledge failing me, I turned to the only other erotic source I was familiar with: the soft-core porn on Cinemax, or Skinemax as it was sometimes fondlingly referred to. Watching Cinemax I learned about horny aliens on sex-starved planets, who looked remarkably like every other beautiful human-shaped woman, except their Spandex bikinis were always silver. Watching Cinemax was also how I learned the “move” of climbing on top of a gentleman and gyrating wildly. Which is precisely what I did to Luke the instant our clothes came off.</p><p dir="ltr">As I straddled him and bucked my hips like an epileptic rodeo clown, wearing nothing but a pair of bikini briefs, I heard a low-frequency rumbling emanate from his face. “That doesn’t sound like the moans I know from basic cable television,” I thought, but shrugged it off and continued my little interpretive jam dance on top of him. I added an improv move and began raking my hands across his bare chest. A few seconds later, however, he made another noise that sounded like Darth Vader jogging uphill. Because it was so dark, I couldn’t see anything and had to lean forward to investigate. I inched closer to his face, ostensibly to give him a kiss, but also to figure out why he sounded like a garbage disposal.</p><p dir="ltr">It was then I realized that he was, unmistakably, asleep. </p><p dir="ltr">Not just asleep but snoring softly, mouth agape. His hands were still moving, however, which must have been some sort of weird motorskill malfunction due to the insane amount of whiskey he’d consumed. He wasn’t sleepwalking—he was sleep-feeling-me-up.</p><p dir="ltr">Once I figured this out, I slowly ceased my momentum until I came to a halt, like the saddest salad spinner. I climbed off of him and went to sleep by his side, hoping that I would wake up and it would all have been a terrible dream that neither of us would remember.</p><p dir="ltr">No such luck.</p><p dir="ltr">I slept in late, my Cine-moves having really worn me out, and when I came into the living room, my friends burst into sly smiles, which gave way to hysterical laughter. Luke seemed genuinely embarrassed, and told me as much later. I responded by doing the only rational thing I could think of: I asked him to go to junior prom with me.</p><p dir="ltr">Which he did, though prom would be our last date. A date that was mostly uneventful, though he managed to stay awake the entire time.</p><p><em>Tune in next week for Part III: where things get much gayer, drunker and threeway-er</em>.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1040669';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1040669"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Mon, 10 Aug 2015 06:46:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1040669 at https://www.alternet.orgvirginitysexThat Time I Tried to Lose My Virginity to a Christian Who Liked to Get Off on the Biblehttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/time-i-tried-lose-my-virginity-christian-who-liked-get-bible
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1040079';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1040079"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Like many teenage girls, I was not aware I had much say in the matter when it came to sex. </div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_131108483.jpg?itok=SEaNkKUt" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr"><em>This is part one in a three-part series.</em></p><p>A few months after I turned 17, I decided I was ready to lose my virginity. And though I was excellent at losing just about everything else in my life—car keys, IHOP leftovers, my dignity—virginity proved to be an elusive struggle. Part of the problem was that I had been recently dumped by my high school boyfriend, James, whom I was still desperately in love with. It took me three years to get over him, which is not an unheard of timespan in the world of teenage grief, except for the fact that our entire relationship was only seven months long.</p><p dir="ltr">And though he kissed in a way that was reminiscent of a snake having a seizure, I thought he was terribly handsome—wolfish, a bit vampiric, and scowly in a Bronte novel way. My friends would later describe him as looking like the unfortunate lovechild of Mitt Romney and Beavis from Beavis and Butthead. But James would play Jewel songs for me on guitar, so obviously our love was deep and forever-binding.</p><p dir="ltr">Until he met a waitress at the chain restaurant by the mall where he worked, that is. Shortly after that, he cheated on me, dumped me, and married her a short time later, which threw a real wrench into my virginity plans, and my belief that the power of Jewel songs could save any relationship.</p><p dir="ltr">I spent the better part of the next month sobbing into fruit compote pancakes and writing awful feelings poetry, which I later turned into songs. A snippet of one such song, titled “I Hope You’re on Fire Somewhere,” went like this: “I find ways to blame you / for every little thing / It’s your fault that I stubbed my toe / It’s your fault I can’t sing.” (For the record, I can’t, nor could I ever sing. I sound like Kermit the Frog on quaaludes.)</p><p dir="ltr">Eventually, my slightly younger, yet wiser friend (her wisdom gleaned from being the first in our friend group to have smoked pot a couple times) imparted this advice to me: “If you wanna get over someone, you have to get under someone.” This was revolutionary. And, I thought, such a clever use of wordplay. I told myself I would try it, and quickly shoved my feelings poetry to the other side of the desk to make way for my new life, which was to involve, I presumed, a lot of dicks.</p><p dir="ltr">Boy, did I turn out to be right.</p><p dir="ltr">The first fellow I met was named Will. He worked at J.B.’s restaurant, which was like a trashier version of Denny’s, if you can imagine that. Will looked so much like my ex that dating him felt almost like an act of revenge in itself. He was also a born-again Christian. I didn’t much care for religion, having been raised with only a smattering of hippie and the occasional dash of my mother’s version of Native American spirituality, which basically involved putting a lot of sage on things. I had been forced to attend Catholic mass when visiting my grandparents a few times, and experienced one unfortunate Sunday School lesson when I was seven, whereby the teacher asked us to draw God and then yelled at me for drawing a cat swimming in the ocean. But other than that, I had no real conception of organized religion, and hence, Will’s born-again-ness didn’t faze me.</p><p dir="ltr">Our first (and last) date involved coffee at Denny’s, and afterward, he invited me back to his place to “look at his yearbook.” A smarter person would have seen through this very flimsy veneer, but I was not a smart person, obviously, and besides, I was trying to turn over a new leaf. A sluttier one. Also, I did have a vested interest in his plan, seeing as how I was the editor of my school’s yearbook. To his credit, we did, in fact, look at his yearbook for about 10 minutes. When that got boring, he picked up his Bible, and began reading parts to me outloud.</p><p dir="ltr">“This is so dope,” he said, prefacing a passage from Corinthians. “‘Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.’ Doesn’t that blow your mind?”</p><p dir="ltr">I agreed that it did, even though it didn’t seem like something that really needed to be spelled out. Love’s not delighted by evil? You don’t say! Put that on a wall poster with a kitten. I didn’t have much time to launch into a philosophical conversation about love’s delights, however, because shortly after that, Will told me he was turned on and needed to masturbate.</p><p dir="ltr">Not “want to masturbate,” mind you, or even “would like to,”—he needed to masturbate. And though I would like to think that I was at least partly responsible for his sudden excitement, even I could see that this erection belonged to God. Or, at least, God’s words. Again, I did not have time to ponder this strange unfolding—I would much later recognize it as a fetish—because Will had unzipped his khakis and was already furiously stroking his Bible-induced boner, while I sat there in stunned silence with my hands clasped on my lap, in an unintentional prayer-position.</p><p dir="ltr">To say that I participated in this turn of events would be a stretch of any imagination, and yet, I didn’t stop it either. I was, like many teenage girls (and even some adults), not aware that I had much say in the matter when it came to sex. I was led to believe that sex was something boys orchestrated and girls endured. No one ever said much to me about agency, boundaries, or even my own pleasure. Besides, Will wasn’t even touching me, so I felt like I couldn’t be that offended. And yet, I knew that I did not want it to be happening, but could do or say nothing except lay there and wonder why every teenage boy had the same Scarface poster. Occasionally Will would look up at me to see if I was pleased with the Lord’s handiwork, and I would offer him a weak smile, hoping this small effort would motivate him to hurry it along.</p><p dir="ltr">After what felt like an hour but was surely far less, he finally finished, pulled his pants back on, and drove me home. While I could somewhat confidently say “a sexual thing happened to me,” this experience was not something I would be boasting about in AOL chat rooms, nor did it bring me any closer to losing my v-card. We didn’t even kiss.</p><p dir="ltr">When I refused to return his calls, he came to my work, which was in the shoe department at Mervyn’s, and gave me two CDs (Korn’s self-titled album, and The Eagles Greatest Hits). I think it was his way of apologizing, but not even Don Henley’s liquid honey voice could make me unsee what I saw. The waters had been parted. The staff turned out to be a squat, veiny snake.</p><p><br /><br /><em>Check back next week for part two of “The wrong way to lose your virginity.”</em></p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1040079';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1040079"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Sat, 01 Aug 2015 06:40:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1040079 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & RelationshipsvirginityvirginsexdatingrelationshipsThe Only Way to Love a Married Woman https://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/only-way-love-married-woman
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">We had sex beside her sleeping husband. We had threesomes with her husband. It was a mess, and it was brilliant.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_37827982-edited.jpg?itok=UtoMf3Wd" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p>Because she was on the East Coast and I was on the West, and because she was straightish and married and I was neither of those things, I didn’t think much of the relationship Erica and I struck up on Facebook after she left a flirtatious comment on a friend’s wall. In our correspondences over the next month or so, mostly conducted through Facebook chats, she told me all about her life, her husband, her love of Nina Simone and dirty Southern hip-hop. She played me Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong’s “Stars Fell on Alabama” and said, “Listen and imagine how I’d hold you in a white sundress in late June with stars in a field and nothing else,” and also that “we would never work in reality.” I responded by booking a flight to her city 2,500 miles away.</p><p>The first long weekend we spent together was less the stuff of reality and more the stuff of reality television — full of sex, booze and terrible fights. We fucked all over the house she shared with her husband. We fucked quietly while he lay asleep beside us. We fucked, all of us together, until she, then he, got jealous and both left the room abruptly. Doors were slammed. Doors were tentatively opened. And out of this four-day melee came a budding romance, a long-distance love affair that would last, improbably, for years.</p><p>“I’ll write you,” she said the last time we saw each other, in a rented condo where she drove four hours to stay with me for 12. She’s been saying it for years, and it’s a hope that’s long vanished, along with the thought that we’d end up together. Still, I think, it’d be nice to have a letter, something to hold in my hands, something more tangible than longing and regret. Each time we meet, which is about once a year, I’m struck by her raw, physical beauty. My body becomes filled with her for days. The other 364 days I don’t see her, I sit in my mind’s dark corners and wonder about her.</p><p>She writes me on Facebook sometimes, when her husband and children are asleep. We drink wine together across the country and type things on blue screens. This is where my love has gone—into tiny, pixelated boxes. I prefer it that way now. There’s more value in not knowing how things might have turned out.</p><p>I remember meeting her husband for the first time and how I thought he’d be more <em>dashing</em>. But he was perfectly suburban, perfectly polite, even though the night before she and I tore each other’s clothes off in his nice suburban kitchen. Facing each other we looked nothing like our roles: he the jealous husband, I, the other woman. Perhaps it was the 20-year age gap between he and I, but I felt more child than mistress. I still do.</p><p>He wasn’t dashing, but he had everything else. A life of privilege and ease and paintings that cost as much as my yearly salary, purchased without a second thought. I think of him loving her now and that feels true.</p><p>I remember how close we sat in the park under the magnolia trees. We told ghost stories while the strap of her red bra fell from her shoulder, and I wanted nothing more than to touch her then, to hook my finger under the strap and return it to its proper place. I felt similarly out of place all weekend, like a weed growing out of the pavement, strangers spilling out from every room, all of them unknowable, but her.</p><p>She poured us drinks with the feigned nonchalance of someone privately recording and savoring every moment. I tried to write it all down, but eventually my eyes moved only by her, and the better story for once was to live in her nearness.</p><p>I remember our brazenness that first weekend. Anyone could have come down. Anyone could have seen us, but maybe that was part of it too. Her life was so controlled. I was a window she could either gaze at or jump out of, a road she’d never take, the broke lesbian artist romance. If we were together in any sort of “real” way, I’m sure she’d have been miserable. But not then, of course. Then I held her sweaty on the couch and she said things like, “You’re the girl I could fall in love with.”</p><p>I think of her loving me now and that feels true.</p><p>After that first night, she and I moved seamlessly from strangers to not. The only way our love could have failed was the distance that also made it possible. And she was always so gentle with me. She took me on errands and I sat in the front seat of her SUV holding a chrysanthemum so large it blocked my view of the road, the entire outside world. Her kids asked what Buddhism was and I said it was like oneness with the universe, that we are all connected and all suffering. By the end I was talking more about myself and less about the religion and then someone changed the subject to how good enchiladas are and I nodded in silent agreement.</p><p>Ours was a love that hinged on possibility—what we could offer each other was infinite potential. Reality never stood a chance against that kind of promise. I loved her in a way that felt both inexplicable and inevitable. She represented a singular perfection, she had to because she contained none of the trappings of a real relationship, the awkward, the beautiful, the sweet, the ordinary, the holding hands in public, the quiet walks, the bickering at Trader Joe’s. She was perfect in part because she was an escape, she seemed always to offer more.</p><p>“You make me dream of lives that could never be mine,” she said, the first time she tried to break it off.</p><p>I once read that our memories change each time we recall them, that we are constantly editing what happened. In the end, we can’t hold onto anything, not love, not even our own truths, because everything moves. Nothing is ever written just once.</p><p>If she were here, I would tell her how I get angry sometimes and maybe it’s powerlessness and maybe it’s uncertainty and maybe I should stop searching for other words when angry will do just fine. But I can’t because she’s not here and I can’t because she never will be. I would tell her these things, and it wouldn’t change anything, but maybe we would know each other a little better, for a little while.</p><p>The last night we were together she took me for a ride in her BMW convertible and bought cocaine in the bar where she and her husband met. She led me to the bar’s bathroom, and held a key-full up to my nose. “I’ve never done this before,” I said, trying not to breathe and blow away the expensive powder. But then I was giddy and the wind tangled my hair and words and I was so happy to be in that car with her, to be alive with her. The chrysanthemum was gone but still I could see little, just the flickering street lamps of Charlotte, her radiant mouth, and her hand on the gearshift as we drove and drove back to the life I could never share with her.</p><p> </p> Thu, 23 Jul 2015 07:44:00 -0700Anna Pulley, Salon1039778 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipsmenage a troislovesexthreesome6 Fascinating Things About Sex Around the Worldhttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/6-fascinating-things-about-sex-around-world
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1039607';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1039607"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Who has the most sex? The least? What country is the most satisfied? Do artists get it on more than non-artists? Find out below.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2015-07-22_at_5.55.48_pm.png?itok=jx5iahWi" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">While <a href="http://www.rawstory.com/2015/07/here-are-5-american-sex-norms-europeans-think-are-crazy/">Europeans may think American sex norms are wack</a>, how do other countries compare when it comes to sexual frequency, satisfaction, orgasms, and other sexpectations? Who’s getting the most bang for their bucking? Read on to learn some surprising ins and outs of of the ol’ in and out, and then some.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Which country has the most sex?</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Despite the United States’ tendency to proclaim “we’re number one!” about, well, everything, when it comes to sexual frequency across the globe, it turns out we don’t come first, or even in the top 20. According to <a href="http://www.durexusa.com/about/global-research/">Durex’s</a> Sexual Wellbeing Survey and Face of Global Sex report, which surveyed 26,000 people across 26 countries, age 16 and up, the countries that have the most sex per week are Greece (87 percent had sex at least once a week), Brazil (82 percent), Russia (80), China (78), and Italy (76). The U.S. falls at number 25 on this list, with a paltry rate of 52 percent per week of sex.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Before you pack your bags for China…</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Though the Chinese purportedly have quite a lot of sex, they also, paradoxically, have the <a href="http://in.reuters.com/article/2008/04/29/idINIndia-33300720080429">fewest orgasms</a>. Seventy-six percent of Chinese people said they were not able to achieve an orgasm every time they had p-in-v intercourse. On the other end of the rainb-O, Italy, Spain, and Mexico all tied for first place, achieving orgasms 66 percent of the time. The global average was an orgasm rate of 48 percent of the time, and also the rate at which France came (Oui!). And, sadly, but perhaps unsurprisingly, globally, men orgasmed twice as frequently as women.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Who has the most satisfying sex?</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Forget quantity, what about quality? According to Durex again, the most sexually satisfied country is Nigeria, with a satisfaction rate of 67 percent, followed by Mexico (63), India (61), Poland (54), and Greece (51). Sexual satisfaction was defined as being stress-free, little to no sexual dysfunction, frequency of foreplay and sex, and orgasmic potential. The U.S. ranks slightly higher in this arena, coming in tenth place on the list, with a satisfaction rate of 48 percent, tying with Canada.</p><p dir="ltr">Who’s having the least satisfying sex? That would be Japan, which is the only country in the survey that reported a higher percentage of dissatisfaction with their sex lives than satisfaction. It turns out that a proliferation of tentacle porn and <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/paying-hundreds-dollars-used-panties-secrets-underwear-fetishist">used underwear vending machines</a> do not lead to more fulfilling sex. Who knew?</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Who has the most children?</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Stand aside, creepy Duggar family, because the world record for baby-makin’ goes to an <a href="http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/world-records/most-prolific-mother-ever">18th-century Russian woman</a>, who gave birth to 69 children in her lifetime (67 of whom survived infancy), and who, it should be said, doesn’t even have a name! She’s known simply as Mrs. Vassilyeva, after her husband Feodor Vassilyev. This exhausted and unsung hero of a woman had 27 pregnancies, which included 16 sets of twins, 7 triplets, and 4 quadruplets.</p><p dir="ltr">On the male side, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, the title goes to a Moroccan emperor with the highly erotic name of Ismail the Bloodthirsty. Also from the 18th century, which we should probably just go ahead and refer to as The Great Sexcession, Mr. Bloodthirsty is said to have fathered more than 1,000 children, meaning he would have had to father about 15 children a year for 60 years. There’s some <a href="http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/els/10905138/1998/00000019/00000006/art00026">dispute</a> over the statistical probability of that many offspring, however, given that Ismail had the tendency to kill his daughters (except when they were from one of his four wives), and the lack of reliable paternity tests back then, among other factors. But a<a href="http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0085292">recent paper</a> by Elisabeth Oberzaucher and Karl Grammer showed that it was theoretically possible for one man to sire that many children, using a number of computer simulations and taking into account a range of human fertility estimates.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. What’s the randiest religion?</strong></p><p dir="ltr">According to a <a href="http://asr.sagepub.com/content/77/5/723.full">study</a> published in the American Sociological Review, Jews are “significantly more likely than Muslims and most other groups to report premarital sex,” according to researcher <a href="https://theuglytruth.wordpress.com/2012/12/06/new-study-jews-more-sexually-promiscuous-than-all-others/">Amy Adamczyk</a>. The study looked at premarital and extramarital sexual behavior of Muslims in 30 countries and compared the data to that of other major world religions, including Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, and Judaism. The finding of Jews to be more likely to engage in premarital sex is “consistent with some U.S.-based studies that have compared the sex-related attitudes and behaviors of Jews and Christians, finding that Jews tend to be less conservative,” Adamczyk says. On the flip side, Muslim women were the least likely to report having premarital sex, and also, both Muslim men and women report the least amount of extramarital <a href="http://www.livescience.com/24093-muslims-have-least-sex-outside-marriage.html">affairs</a>.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>6. Do creative types have more sex than non-creatives?</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Do they ever! According to this 2005 <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1560060/">study</a> in the academic journal The Proceedings of the Royal Society, professional artists and poets get it on with two or three times as many partners as non-artists. The study found that creatives averaged between four and ten partners, while the insurance adjusters and data analysts of the world typically had three. Researchers also found that the number of sex partners rose with how creative the person in question was, which perhaps explains why so many of us have had sex with very bad poets and interpretative dance macrame sculptors. </p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1039607';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1039607"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Mon, 20 Jul 2015 07:10:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1039607 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipssexrelationshipsdating5 American Sex Norms Europeans Probably Think Are Insanehttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/5-american-sex-norms-europeans-probably-think-are-insane
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1038895';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1038895"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Some of the biggest sexual WTFs Europeans have about America.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2015-07-05_at_9.58.59_pm.png?itok=1p58BF8U" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">Europeans tend to see a lot of American ideals and behaviors as bizarre. In particular, they <a href="http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB124534162608828017">aren’t wild</a> about our politics and our food (though they love our television and our movies). And when it comes to sex? Well, Europeans tend to view us as the land of the free, home of the batshit crazy. Below are some of the biggest sexual WTFs Europeans have about America.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Extreme violence in the media is fine, just don’t show a nipple.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">According to <a href="http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/tvc.htm#ref15">reports</a>, the average American child will see 200,000 violent acts and witness 16,000 murders on TV by the time she is 18. Not only that, but the violence is getting more brutal and sadistic, and it often goes unpunished. In video games like <em>Grand Theft Auto</em>, players can run over sex workers, and the violence in <em>Call of Duty</em> has been linked to teen <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2640431/Coroner-probes-Call-Duty-video-game-four-teenagers-regularly-played-went-kill-themselves.html">suicides</a>. While this is considered fine and normal, showing the naked or partially naked human body on TV is considered extremely taboo. When Justin Timberlake accidentally ripped off a piece of Janet Jackson’s costume during the Super Bowl halftime show, revealing her nipple for a fraction of a second, this not only caused a moral outrage that lasted for days, but the FCC tried to <a href="http://web.archive.org/web/20040928060305/http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/F/FCC_CBS?SITE=FLSTU&amp;SECTION=ENTERTAINMENT">fine</a> television network CBS $550,000 for broadcasting “indecency.” The FCC ultimately failed, but not first without going all the way to the Supreme Court. The nip slip incident became the most-searched-for thing on the Internet in 2004, and CBS actually forced Jackson to <em>apologize</em> to Americans. “I am really sorry if I offended anyone, that was truly not my intention," Jackson <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aavUakg4S74">said</a>.</p><p dir="ltr">A Dutch friend who now lives in London also remarked on this disconnect between violence and nudity: “The movie <em>Frida</em> with Salma Hayek is rated R in the U.S. because of nudity, but in Holland it was 6 (for children 6 and older). But many violent movies are 16 in Holland and PG/PG-13 in the U.S. Why are boobs worse than death? How do boobs affect people negatively? Are they scary? Do they make people do bad things? I wanna know!”</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Our puritan prudery.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Sex is everywhere. We can’t even sell a cheeseburger in the U.S. without overtly bonerrific images that are, frankly, confusing. Are we supposed to eat our food or have sex with it, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dABoLDOArMA">Carl’s Jr</a>.? And yet, we’re also so prudish that Attorney General John Ashcroft once spent $8,000 of taxpayer cash to <a href="http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/nation/2002/01/29/statues.htm">cover up</a> a statue’s breasts. We have spent billions on abstinence-only education programs that <a href="http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/nation/2002/01/29/statues.htm">spread misinformation</a> and shame teenagers into thinking sex is dirty and will ruin their lives forever. And instead of curbing the number of unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections, the opposite happens. Compared to European countries, most of which boast comprehensive sex ed, easy access to birth control and universal healthcare, the U.S. has alarming teen pregnancy rates—41.5 per 1,000 people, as reported by the United Nations in 2009. By contrast, the Netherlands had a teen birth rate of 5.3 per 1,000, Switzerland is 4.3 per 1,000, and Germany is 9.8 per 1,000. Europeans also have have lower STI rates, and far lower rates of HIV/AIDS.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Our fear of hugs.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Research has shown that non-sexual physical contact has a profound impact on people's emotional and <a href="http://nihrecord.nih.gov/newsletters/2006/02_24_2006/story03.htm">physical well-being</a>. Despite this knowledge, and our hyper-sexualized tendencies, America is one of the most touch-phobic countries in the world. A global study on touch rated the United States among “the <a href="http://drsircus.com/medicine/touch-hugs-massages-health">lowest touch countries studied</a>.” In contrast, the high-touch countries include Spain, France, Italy, and Greece. Some researchers think our fear of platonic touching actually leads to <a href="http://www.violence.de/prescott/pppj/article.html">violence</a>, particularly in young males. In one <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10730699">study</a>, American adolescents were shown to touch each other far less and be more aggressive toward their peers compared with French adolescents.</p><p dir="ltr">While there are many reasons why Europe has a much lower violent crime rate than the U.S, could a lack of healthy physical connection add to this trend? In 2012, research conducted by the <a href="http://www.alternet.org/world/10-things-europe-does-way-better-america">United Nations</a> Office on Drugs and Crime found that the U.S. had a “homicide rate of 4.8 per 100,000 people compared to only 0.3 per 100,000 in Iceland, 0.7 per 100,000 in Sweden, 0.8 per 100,000 in Denmark and Spain, 0.9 per 100,000 in Italy, Austria and the Netherlands, 1.0 per 100,000 in France, and 1.2 per 100,000 in Portugal and the Republic of Ireland.”</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Our anti-abortion violence.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Though there have been a few incidents of anti-abortion-related violence elsewhere (in Canada, New Zealand and Australia, for instance), the vast majority of violence occurs right here in the good ol’ US of A. The Department of Justice amended its definition of domestic <a href="http://www.justice.gov/usao/priority-areas/national-security/domestic-terrorism">terrorism</a> to include this type of violence last year, and it includes such incidents as destruction of property, arson, bombings, vandalism, kidnapping, stalking, assault, attempted murder, and murder. In the last 20 years or so, anti-abortion violence has killed at least eight people in the U.S., including four doctors, two clinic employees, a security guard, and a clinic escort. In contrast, approximately ZERO people have been murdered trying to have or facilitate a safe and legal abortion in Europe.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Our preference for circumcision.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Though infant male circumcision rates have declined in the U.S. in the last decade or so, circumcision remains one of the most common procedures performed in hospitals (about 1.4 million <a href="http://adc.bmj.com/content/77/3/258.full">annually</a>). In Europe, however, circumcision is rare and generally frowned upon. A 2013 resolution called male ritual circumcision a “violation of the physical integrity of children,” and was <a href="http://www.haaretz.com/jewish-world/jewish-world-news/1.550210">passed</a> overwhelmingly by the Parliamentary Assembly of the Council of Europe. <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01614576.1988.11074930#.VZnX1hNViko">Studies</a> (both formal and <a href="http://www.yourtango.com/2014210856/sex-dating-what-women-really-think-uncircumcised-penises">informal</a>) have shown that women in the U.S. have strong preferences for circumcised penises, citing “visual appeal” and “sexual hygiene” as reasons for their predisposition. European women, of course, prefer their men with dong-snuggies.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1038895';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1038895"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Fri, 10 Jul 2015 18:51:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1038895 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & RelationshipssexeuropeansHow Do I Make My Partner 'Cliterate'? 5 Common Sex Issues (And Some Very Simple Solutions)https://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/how-do-i-make-my-partner-cliterate-5-common-sex-issues-and-some-very-simple
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1038693';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1038693"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Work your way through some of the most common problems couples face.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2015-07-01_at_11.57.04_am.png?itok=vbKWmghm" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p>As someone who has been an advice columnist for almost a decade, I’ve been all up in a lot of people’s bidness. And while every situation and every couple is unique, there are many issues that come up again and again when it comes to sex. Here are some of the most common problems couples face and how to work your way through them.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. My partner doesn’t know what I like in bed! How can I make him more 'cliterate'?</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Many of us are guilty of “dropping hints” about what we would like our partner to do to us in bed, rather than being explicit or straightforward about our sexual desires or needs. Sometimes this is due to shyness or frustration or a past rejection we don’t want to re-experience. And, it must also be said, sometimes a hint does indeed work: A well-timed moan or enthusiastic hip thrust can communicate to our partner: “Yes, <em>that</em>, keep doing that.” But more often than not, if you want to be sexed in a particular way (and especially if you want NOT to be sexed in a particular way), you have to be able to talk about it. No one is a mind-reader, and your partner rarely “just knows” what makes you hot and bothered, as opposed to simply bothered.</p><p dir="ltr">While you don’t need to be able to recite a detailed, bullet-pointed list of every sexual kink or desire you’ve ever had, you do need to be able to sum up your turn-ons and turn-offs, any no-fly zones or triggers, and to know yourself well enough so you can verbally or physically guide your partner to whatever gets you to cloud nine. And remember that positive reinforcement is always appreciated, even if what your partner is doing isn’t totally working for you. It can be a big blow to the ego if communicating your needs sounds like constant criticism. Hence, “I loved when you were biting my neck earlier. Can you do it again?” Or “Your tongue feels amazing, but can you use slightly less pressure?” Rather than, “That feels like I’m being run through a 99-cent car wash. Do something else.”</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. We have mismatched libidos.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Probably the most oft-cited issue when it comes to sex (particularly in long-term couples) is that one person wants sex more than the other. Unfortunately, there’s no easy solution for mismatched libidos. If the low to no sex is situational — i.e. something stressful and new, like a career or school change, moving to a new town, having a child, or dealing with problems involving a family member — it’s probably temporary. Most mismatched libidos, however, are not situational. It’s pretty rare for a couple to be perfectly aligned in their sexual desires at all points in their relationships. And because having sex with other people or breaking up are often not the desired solutions (though both are, frankly, effective options), it’s important to be as communicative as possible with your partner when broaching this issue.</p><p dir="ltr">Those with higher libidos: Don’t blame, nag or get nasty if your partner doesn’t want to bang you as much as you want to be banged. Take care of yourself if you’re feeling the urge and your partner doesn’t reciprocate. We all have hands and a 24/7 onslaught of erotic imagery at our disposals. Those with lower libidos: Make sure your partner knows you desire him. If something easily fixable is contributing to your disinterest in sex, <em>talk</em> about it with your partner. So many women have written to me saying they wished their partner would approach them differently for sex, yet they never actually spoke up about it. So please, speak up. If it’s not easily fixable, show extra compassion and understanding to your partner when you can. And though I never advocate doing something one doesn’t want to do, if you’re on the sex-fence, it’s nice to throw your partner a bone sometimes.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. I have body issues/insecurities.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">We are all deeply insecure about certain parts of our bodies. All of us. These insecurities tend to be worse in women because we are fed constant and relentless messages (from the media, strangers, friends, and even ourselves) that boil down to, essentially, “Here’s another reason why you should hate yourself!” For men, this insecurity tends to manifest in the penile-girth-and-length form, but men are also susceptible to falling short of the masculine beefcake ideal. There’s no quick fix to tuning out the world and our own inner demons, but the sooner we can admit to ourselves that we will always be flawed and it’s not the end of the world, the sooner we can start owning it and enjoying all that our deeply flawed and amazing bodies are capable of. It also helps to confront insecurities head on and admit them to your partner, which takes away some of the anxiety and panic attack-iness that come from being alive in these trying times. Talking about one’s fears and lacks is certainly scary, but it also serves to defuse the alarm bells in our heads, leads to deeper intimacy and vulnerability, and depending on his or her reaction, can speak volumes about the person you’re about to have sex with. Consider, also, that a person who would bodily shame you is not a person you should be rewarding with orgasms.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. I can’t have an orgasm.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Some women — and even some men — can’t come. Though this is sometimes a medical condition, it’s generally believed to be rooted in psychological issues, such as a history of abuse, anxiety, depression, guilt, or lack of self-esteem. Sometimes it’s all of the above. If you or your partner is experiencing any of these weighty mental roadblocks, it’s often helpful to talk regularly to a sex-positive therapist, especially when it comes to healing past sexual traumas. While that is happening, it’s also incredibly important to communicate with one’s partner, to make sure no one feels blamed, shamed or inadequate. It also helps to take orgasms off the table for a while, to focus not on having an end goal in mind, but to simply relax and enjoy the sensations, heat, intimacy, and so on.</p><p dir="ltr">Also worth noting is that some women who don’t experience orgasms are fine with that; they don’t view it as a problem, and if that’s the case, neither should you. If, however, the person does actively want to achieve the big O, and is working on overcoming any mental blocks, the next step is three-fold: masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. Do it in bed, in the shower, standing up, laying down, fast, slow, with toys, with more toys, lazily, swiftly, add pressure, take it away, do it to music, do it to porn. Do it while wearing socks, do it while watching Fox. Where or how doesn’t matter. But know thyself. Find what works. You have the keys to the castle. “If you can’t beat ‘em, beat it,” as the saying does not, but should, go.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. I come too fast.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Premature ejaculation, like preorgasmic people above, is also often rooted in psychological causes (shame, anxiety, stress, yay!). If that’s the case, therapy can also help. For some preemies, it may or may not be a comfort to know that men view PE as a much bigger problem <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12807298">than women do</a>. Also, the average timespan for p-in-v intercourse is 3-7 minutes. So, what some men deem “too fast” is actually just “all Saturday nights everywhere.” How to combat this tendency? Masturbation, yet again, can be helpful. Sex researcher Debby Herbenick espouses that certain exercises (the “stop-start” and the “squeeze”) can help men learn to control their <a href="http://kinseyconfidential.org/premature-ejaculation-in-sex-is-it-because-i-masturbate/">release times</a>. The stop-start is when you get close to orgasm and then stop all stimulation, and the squeeze is when you apply gentle pressure to the head of the penis. Both can be repeated as needed and allow arousal to decrease somewhat, and to train one’s wang to take the G train, as no one says.</p><p dir="ltr">Other methods exist, as I’ve said <a href="http://www.redeyechicago.com/opinion/redeye-last-longer-in-bed-20150521-column.html">before</a>, and include: a hippie way (meditation, deep breathing, imagery); a talking way (communicating your concerns to partners actually does go a long way in relieving them. Plus, she might not even care how long you last, as long as you’re into pleasing her). A drug way (some antidepressants have been known to combat PE); a fun numbing way (alcohol; just make sure not to drink too much, or you’ll end up with the opposite problem). And the less-fun numbing way (lubes, such as the subtly named Trojan Extended Condoms with Climax Control Lubricant, that temporarily anesthetize your beef whistle. I’m not recommending them, but they do exist).</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>You can’t spell come without communicate</strong></p><p>You may have noticed that talking to your partner is more often than not the answer when it comes to sex. This isn’t meant to be dismissive or cheeky, just to reiterate that almost all sex problems are related to a miscommunication of some sort. And that’s okay; communication is hard and slippery (that’s what she said and he said) and the more we do it, the easier it gets. Practice having those difficult conversations outside of the bedroom and you’ll be better equipped to tackle them inside of the bedroom, or the living room, or shower, or even the dry-goods pantry.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1038693';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1038693"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Wed, 01 Jul 2015 08:49:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1038693 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipssex10 Surprising Times in History When Polyamory Was Acceptablehttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/10-surprising-times-history-when-polyamory-was-acceptable
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1037654';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1037654"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Non-monogamy has been around (and in some cases thriving) for a very long time.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/in_memoriam_brigham_young_2.jpg?itok=tyLhqYX8" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">As we've <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/4-reasons-why-monogamy-so-hard" target="_blank">written before</a>, the Western world is in love with monogamy—in concept, if not in practice. Throughout history, much of society has been predicated upon the idea of lifelong sexual fidelity between one man and one woman. On paper anyway. We enforce monogamy in social ways (don’t even try to bring your second wife to the office Christmas party!) and legal ways (paternity laws, property laws, inheritance laws, etc.), but the reality is far more complicated. While monogamy tends to hog the spotlight as the relationship model of choice, non-monogamy has been around (and in some cases thriving) for a very long time, and continues to be practiced today. </p><p dir="ltr">Here is just a small sliver of accepted forms of poly relationships, both past and present.</p><p><strong>1. Ancient Mesopotamia and Assyria</strong></p><p>In Mesopotamia and Assyria, monogamy (particularly arranged marriage) was considered the norm socially, but polygyny (when a man takes multiple wives) was frequently practiced by rulers and layfolk (no pun intended) alike. Philip II of Macedon had <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philip_II_of_Macedon#Marriages" target="_blank">eight wives</a>. Persian King Darius III also had several wives and kept a stock of <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=XnDtcvRwsrgC&amp;pg=PT334&amp;lpg=PT334&amp;dq=ancient+assyrian+rulers+many+wives&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=241SuUaRIR&amp;sig=_-TFEnSm4sny9Z2OENY26KssxcY&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=_NdwVdTkBcKvsAWUyYLACA&amp;ved=0CEwQ6AEwBw#v=onepage&amp;q=ancient%20assyrian%20rulers%20many%20wives&amp;f=false" target="_blank">360</a> royal concubines “for his own personal use.” Plus, the <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/Ancient_Israel.html?id=A42yVk8kj8kC" target="_blank">Code of Hammurabi</a> has rules on polygyny, noting that a man can take a second wife if she can’t bear him children. However! He cannot take another wife if his first wife offers him a concubine slave instead. Take that, hubby! And though some scholars dispute it, the historian Herodotus <a href="http://www.ancient.eu/article/688/" target="_blank">reported</a> that every woman, at least once in her lifetime, had to go to the temple of Ishtar and have sex with whatever stranger happened to walk by and ask. This custom was thought to “ensure the fertility and continued prosperity of the community.” But it wasn’t all concubines and creepy-prostitution parties. In ancient Mesopotamia, “homosexual love could be enjoyed” without <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Everyday-Life-Ancient-Mesopotamia-Bott%C3%A9ro/dp/0801868645" target="_blank">stigma or fear</a>, and there are even texts that talk about pegging, or as historians call it, men “preferring to take the female role” in sex.</p><p><strong>2. Ancient and Present-Day Egypt</strong></p><p>Ancient Egyptian men were free to marry as many women as they wanted (i.e. as many as they could afford because indentured sexual servants don’t come cheap, amirite?). And many <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=tMivAwAAQBAJ&amp;q=africa#v=snippet&amp;q=africa&amp;f=false" target="_blank">African countries</a> today, particularly (but not limited to) those of a predominantly Muslim faith, still practice a form of polygyny. And in Muslim Malaysia, Rawang has a Polygamy Club that purports to have 300 husbands and 700 wives.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Ancient Greeks</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Much ink (and other things) has been spilled documenting the ribaldry and lust of ancient Greece, aka the birthplace of democracy and orgies. From pederasty (sexual activity involving men and boys) to fellatio urns, the Greeks were not shy about their sexytimes. Like many Western societies, the ancient Greeks and Romans were monogamous on paper (men could not marry more than one woman, for instance, nor could they live with their concubines), but not so much in practice, particularly if you were a man. "The Greeks were anything but prudes," Nicholaos Stampolidis, director of the Museum of Cycladic Art, told the <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/culture/2009/dec/09/museums-greece" target="_blank">Guardian</a>. "Theirs was a society of great tolerance and lack of guilt." The Greeks were particularly tolerant of bisexuality among men, at least in certain situations (bathhouses, school, war). The philosopher Aristophanes wasn’t wild about this, however, so he coined the term euryprôktoi, meaning "wide asses," which referred to the homosexual relationships between older and younger soldiers ("to increase loyalty during war time," Greece's PR person <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=fduwBgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA1980&amp;lpg=PA1980&amp;dq=Eurypr%C3%B4ktoi&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=S6r7TfH5Sn&amp;sig=4H8uPtBXqGwV2A8y96cDysRmb80&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=-9JwVceSFMPisAXViYLADg&amp;ved=0CEgQ6AEwBw#v=onepage&amp;q=Eurypr%C3%B4ktoi&amp;f=false" target="_blank">tells</a> us). It sounds like Aristophanes could’ve benefitted from some ass-widening himself.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Non-monogamy in the Bible</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Modern-day Christianity often advocates for “traditional marriage,” but the Good Book is full of instances where monogamy was definitely not de rigeur (multiple wives was big, and also prostitution, concubines, etc., not to mention a lot of other <a href="http://www.alternet.org/8-freakiest-sex-things-bible" target="_blank">kinky stuff</a>). The first reference to polygamy is in <a href="http://biblia.com/bible/esv/Genesis%204.19" target="_blank">Genesis</a>: “Lamech married two women.” In the Old Testament, several prominent characters were polygamists. To name a few: Abraham, Jacob, David, and Solomon. In <a href="http://biblia.com/bible/esv/2%20Samuel%2012.8" target="_blank">2 Samuel 12:8</a>, God told David that if he wasn’t satisfied with his many wives and concubines, he could always have more. And Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, according to <a href="http://biblia.com/bible/esv/1%20Kings%2011.3" target="_blank">1 Kings 11:3</a>. Like we always say, traditional marriage is between one man and 1,000 women.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Hinduism</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Though it’s outlawed today, the<a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=t6TVLlPvuMAC&amp;pg=PA478&amp;lpg=PA477&amp;focus=viewport&amp;output=html_text" target="_blank">Rig Veda</a> (as well as epics like the Mahabharata) mention that during the Vedic period, a man could have more than one wife, depending on one’s caste. If one was Brahmin (the highest ranking caste), one could have four wives. It goes down a wife for each subsequent caste system, with the Shudra caste only getting one extra wife.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>6. Islam</strong></p><p dir="ltr">In the Quran, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polygyny" target="_blank">polygyny</a> is allowed, but only if the husband treats all his wives equally, and limits himself to four, as verse 4:3 notes: “If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.”</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>7. Polygamy today in the US</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Bigamy and polygamy are illegal in the US, was outlawed by the Supreme Court in the 19th century. But before that, early Mormon settlers led by Joseph Smith, and then Brigham Young, practiced “plural marriages” in Utah and surrounding areas (Arizona, Nevada, Colorado). After President Woodrow Wilson put the kabosh on polygamy, some Mormons continued to do it anyway, and not just because they had reality <a href="http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/sister-wives/" target="_blank">TV shows</a>. The <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salt_Lake_Tribune" target="_blank">Salt Lake Tribune</a> conducted a survey and estimated that there may be as many as 37,000 Mormon fundamentalists in the Southwest, with less than half of them living in polygamous households.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>8. Polyandry in Nepal</strong></p><p dir="ltr">But enough about polygyny! Let’s talk polyandry (one wife, many husbands). The practice of fraternal polyandry, a woman taking several brothers as husbands, was once very common in Nepal, <a href="http://matadornetwork.com/life/non-monogamy-around-world/" target="_blank">where</a> “the rough landscape often requires more than one set of extra hands to cultivate.” Who couldn’t use an extra set of hands when tilling your wife’s fields? The practice is falling out of fashion today, due to religious influence, and job opportunities not dependent on farming, but local farmers attest that “monogamous marriages are financially more difficult.”</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>9. “Walking marriages” in China</strong></p><p dir="ltr">In the Yunnan province of China, the Mosuo ethnic group has what’s called <a href="http://matadornetwork.com/life/non-monogamy-around-world/" target="_blank">zou hun</a> (walking marriage), which is basically the freedom to have sex with whomever you want. The Mosuo don’t have marriage the way Western countries do—couples don’t live together; women usually stay with their families; and men “share responsibility for any children born to women in their own family.” And, if a man is sexually interested in a woman, he asks if he can visit her, usually after dark. Sex is based on mutual affection and is not stigmatized.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>10. Polyamory</strong></p><p>Polyamory, or consensual non-monogamy as it’s sometimes called, has been growing and gaining acceptance as a viable relationship model in the last few decades, with countless books and scholarly papers written on the topic, as well as scientific research, and perhaps unsurprisingly, reality TV shows. Polyamory exists all over, not just in liberal urban meccas. A 2009 <a href="http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164" target="_blank">Newsweek</a> article estimated that “in the United States, over half a million families [are] openly living in relationships that are between multiple consenting partners."</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1037654';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1037654"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Wed, 10 Jun 2015 12:31:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1037654 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipsmonogamypolyamoryrelationships4 Reasons Why Monogamy Is So Hardhttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/4-reasons-why-monogamy-so-hard
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1036978';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1036978"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">It&#039;s clear that infidelity is incredibly prevalent and has been throughout recorded history.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_89998288-edited.jpg?itok=zdFbir7X" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">As a culture, we love monogamy. It’s the ultimate romantic promise. The only sanctioned way we are allowed to conduct ourselves in relationships. We even sign legal contracts with the government saying as much (though one wonders why such a proclamation is necessary if sexual fidelity is supposedly so easy). Yet, despite the romantic ideals of monogamy that are taught to us in America (and, indeed, the entire Western world), humans—both men and women—are, simply put, quite bad at monogamy.</p><p dir="ltr">How bad? Well, 40 to 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce (and the rate of divorce rises with each subsequent marriage) and extramarital sex is the most-cited cause of divorce across cultures. Female sexual infidelity, whether real or simply suspected, is the <a href="http://ro.uow.edu.au/artspapers/1021/">leading cause</a> of spousal battering and spousal homicide. <a href="http://www.toddkshackelford.com/downloads/Buss-Shackelford-JRP-1997.pdf">Studies</a> have also shown that between 20 and 60 percent of all married people will cheat at least once during their relationships (Researchers suspect that number is actually higher, because we frown on cheating so much as a culture, and hence tend to underestimate their indiscretions). If studies don’t convince you, perhaps we should look no further than the 35 million members trolling AshleyMadison.com, whose tagline is “Life is short. Have an affair.” What is clear is that infidelity is incredibly prevalent and has been throughout recorded history, even though it’s also met with overwhelming disapproval. A recent <a href="http://www.gallup.com/poll/162689/record-high-say-gay-lesbian-relations-morally.aspx">Gallup</a> poll found that Americans considered marital infidelity the worst thing a person could do, beating suicide, abortion, human cloning, and the death penalty. (Curiously, divorce was found to be the most morally acceptable thing on the list). Why is long-term monogamy so hard for people? Let’s explore some of the facets that make up our crazy sexuality and that we are up against.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>It’s counterintuitive to our nature</strong></p><p dir="ltr">The argument that monogamy goes against human nature has been made countless times in books such as “The Myth of Monogamy” by David Barbash and Judith Eve Lipton,"The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating" by Eric Anderson, and, perhaps the best-known (and quite compelling) "Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships" by Chris Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. The latter argues that our bodies are a dead giveaway for our promiscuous tendencies. Men’s penises, for instance, basically function like plungers—their uniquely shaped flared head and tapered shaft works to actively force out the sperm of other men (should there be any, you know, lying around). Also, <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/02/070210170428.htm">research</a> has found that when men spend more time away from their partners (time that, theoretically, their partners could have spent banging the milkman), the number of sperm in their ejaculate increases the next time they have sex. Women’s bodies also suggest that they were designed for multiple partners— with their propensity for multiple orgasms; their “large, pendulous breasts” (as Ryan is fond of describing them), which are utterly unnecessary for breastfeeding (but make great flotation devices!); and there’s even some <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-dawn/201001/women-in-bed-whats-all-the-noise-about-part-ii">research</a> that suggests the reason women are more vocal during sex is to serve as a kind of mating call to attract other men to join the fray, the aural equivalent of scribbling “For a good time, call…” on a public bathroom stall. Why would our bodies have all these bells and whistles if we were mating with one person forever?</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>Our ancestors were sluts</strong></p><p dir="ltr">As “<a href="http://chrisryanphd.com/excerpts/">Sex at Dawn</a>” explains in great detail, our hunter-gatherer ancestors lived communally—sharing food, resources, shelter, and orgasms. Our prehistoric relatives enjoyed a much less sexually possessive culture, which benefited everyone. Men and women both enjoyed guilt-free sexual pleasure, variety, and parenting duties, like everything else, were shared, so paternity tests didn’t matter. This arrangement worked out very well until the advent of agriculture, when property rights and lineage and sexual policing became the new status quo. Ryan and Jetha also point to the bonobos, our closest primate relatives, as further evidence of our natural sluttery. The bonobos live in egalitarian and peaceful groups and have sex multiple times a day, sometimes with many partners. Doesn’t that sound awful? Put a ring on it, bonobos!</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>Sexual passion tends to fade over time</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Falling in love is fantastic. You can’t keep your hands off the other person, everything is new and exciting, you show up late to work, not realizing the lube still stuck in your bangs. But that kind of intensity and bunny-banging intensity is unsustainable. Over time (around six months to two years), the crazy lust subsides and is replaced by a more mellow, companionate love. More than a hundred studies have documented this phenomenon, often with the sexy catchphrase “hedonic adaptation.” HA, as no one abbreviates it, basically notes that any boosts in happiness we might achieve (whether through sex, money, a new iPhone, etc.) will abate with time. Sex drive is particularly vulnerable to hedonic adaptation: Imagine watching the same porn clip 100 times. Even if it’s the hottest porn you’ve ever seen, eventually, you’ll become indifferent to its eroticism. That’s just a function of our brains.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>We crave variety </strong></p><p dir="ltr">This isn’t to say that we all eventually find our romantic partners boring, just that our brains are wired to crave novelty, variety, and new stimuli. This newness triggers the neurotransmitter dopamine in the brain in the same way that drugs do (or if drugs aren’t your cup of lube: gambling, eating, and shopping also work). Sexual exclusivity means we are actively fighting against these biological urges of novelty. And in women it’s especially prevalent. <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/16/books/review/what-do-women-want-by-daniel-bergner.html">Studies</a> show that women are far more likely than men to lose interest in sex, and to lose it faster. This is partly why the hunt for a female Viagra has been so rampant. The (kinda) good news is that long-term couples experience a second honeymoon after 18 or 20 years together (around the time the kids leave the nest, researchers posit). An empty nest bolsters surprise and novelty in a relationship once again, and all those new love feelings come back for a bonerific time to be had by all, as long as you are willing to wait a quarter of your life for it.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>Is monogamy doomed?</strong></p><p dir="ltr">To say that we are bad at monogamy isn’t an indictment of monogamy in general. Of course, people can and do succeed at life-long monogamous arrangements. Non-monogamous arrangements aren’t inherently better or worse than monogamous ones. And yet, just because we are monogamous with one person doesn’t negate the fact that we are still and always will be attracted to other people. As German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer put it: “One can choose what to do, but not what to want.” We’d do better as a culture if we exercised a little more tolerance, acceptance, and honest discussions around sex, desire, and marriage, and to be less rigid in our idealistic views of monogamy.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1036978';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1036978"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Wed, 27 May 2015 11:59:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1036978 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipsmonogamysexrelationshipsinfidelity4 Reasons Humans Are So Bad at Sexual Monogamyhttps://www.alternet.org/4-reasons-humans-are-so-bad-sexual-monogamy
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1036966';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1036966"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">As a culture, we love monogamy. But is it counterintuitive to our nature?</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2015-05-27_at_1.32.32_pm.png?itok=ltMHpQLr" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">As a culture, we<em></em>love<em></em>monogamy. It’s the ultimate romantic promise and the only sanctioned way we are allowed to conduct ourselves in relationships. We even sign legal contracts with the government saying as much (though one wonders why such a proclamation is necessary if sexual fidelity is supposedly so easy). Yet, despite the romantic ideals of monogamy that are taught to us in America (and, indeed, the entire Western world), humans—both men and women—are quite bad at monogamy.</p><p dir="ltr">How bad? Well, 40 to 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce (and the rate of divorce rises with each subsequent marriage) and extramarital sex is the most-cited cause of divorce across cultures. Female sexual infidelity, whether real or simply suspected, is the <a href="http://ro.uow.edu.au/artspapers/1021/">leading cause</a> of spousal battering and spousal homicide. <a href="http://www.toddkshackelford.com/downloads/Buss-Shackelford-JRP-1997.pdf">Studies</a> have also shown that between 20 and 60 percent of all married people will cheat at least once during their relationships (Researchers suspect that number is actually higher, because we frown on cheating so much as a culture, and hence tend to downplay our indiscretions.).</p><p dir="ltr">If studies don’t convince you, perhaps we should look no further than the 35 million members trolling AshleyMadison.com, whose tagline is “Life is short. Have an affair.” What is clear is that infidelity is incredibly prevalent and has been throughout recorded history, even though it’s also met with overwhelming disapproval. A recent <a href="http://www.gallup.com/poll/162689/record-high-say-gay-lesbian-relations-morally.aspx">Gallup</a> poll found that Americans considered marital infidelity the worst thing a person could do, beating suicide, abortion, human cloning, and the death penalty. (Curiously, divorce was found to be the most morally acceptable thing on the list.)</p><p dir="ltr">Why is long-term monogamy so hard for people? Let’s explore some of the facets that make up our crazy sexuality.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. It’s counterintuitive to our nature.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">The argument that monogamy goes against human nature has been made countless times in books such as <em>The Myth of Monogamy</em> by David Barbash and Judith Eve Lipton, <em>The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating</em> by Eric Anderson, and perhaps the best-known (and quite compelling) <em>Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships</em> by Chris Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. The latter argues that our bodies are a dead giveaway for our promiscuous tendencies. Men’s penises, for instance, basically function like plungers—their uniquely shaped flared head and tapered shaft works to actively force out the sperm of other men (should there be any, you know, lying around). Also, <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/02/070210170428.htm">research</a> has found that when men spend more time away from their partners (time that, theoretically, their partners could have spent banging the milkman), the number of sperm in their ejaculate increases the next time they have sex.</p><p dir="ltr">Women’s bodies also suggest that they were designed for multiple partners, with their propensity for multiple orgasms. There’s even some <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-dawn/201001/women-in-bed-whats-all-the-noise-about-part-ii">research</a> that suggests the reason women are more vocal during sex is to serve as a kind of mating call to attract other men to join the fray, the aural equivalent of scribbling “For a good time, call…” on a public bathroom stall. Why would our bodies have all these bells and whistles if we were mating with one person forever?</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Our ancestors were sluts.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">As <a href="http://chrisryanphd.com/excerpts/">Sex at Dawn</a> explains in great detail, our hunter-gatherer ancestors lived communally, sharing food, resources, shelter, and orgasms. Our prehistoric relatives enjoyed a much less sexually possessive culture, which benefited everyone. Men and women both enjoyed guilt-free sexual pleasure and variety and parenting duties, like everything else, were shared, so paternity tests didn’t matter. This arrangement worked out very well until the advent of agriculture, when property rights and lineage and sexual policing became the new status quo.</p><p dir="ltr">Ryan and Jetha also point to the bonobos, our closest primate relatives, as further evidence of our natural sluttery. The bonobos live in egalitarian and peaceful groups and have sex multiple times a day, sometimes with many partners. Doesn’t that sound awful? Put a ring on it, bonobos!</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Sexual passion tends to fade over time.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Falling in love is fantastic. You can’t keep your hands off the other person, everything is new and exciting, you show up late to work, not realizing the lube still stuck in your bangs. But that kind of intensity and bunny-banging is unsustainable. Over time (around six months to two years), the crazy lust subsides and is replaced by a more mellow, companionate love. More than 100 studies have documented this phenomenon, often with the sexy catchphrase “hedonic adaptation.” HA, as no one abbreviates it, basically notes that any boosts in happiness we might achieve (whether through sex, money, a new iPhone, etc.) will abate with time. Sex drive is particularly vulnerable to hedonic adaptation: Imagine watching the same porn clip 100 times. Even if it’s the hottest porn you’ve ever seen, eventually you’ll become indifferent to its eroticism. That’s just a function of our brains.</p><p><strong>4. We crave variety. </strong></p><p dir="ltr">This isn’t to say we all eventually find our romantic partners boring, just that our brains are wired to crave novelty, variety and new stimuli. This newness triggers the neurotransmitter dopamine in the brain in the same way that drugs do (or if drugs aren’t your cup of lube, gambling, eating, and shopping also work). Sexual exclusivity means we are actively fighting against these biological urges of novelty.</p><p dir="ltr">And in womean it’s especially prevalent. <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/16/books/review/what-do-women-want-by-daniel-bergner.html">Studies</a> show that women are far more likely than men to lose interest in sex, and to lose it faster. This is partly why the hunt for a female Viagra has been so rampant. The (kinda) good news is that long-term couples experience a second honeymoon after 18 or 20 years together (around the time the kids leave the nest, researchers posit). An empty nest bolsters surprise and novelty in a relationship once again, and all those new love feelings come back for a bonerific time to be had by all, as long as you are willing to wait a quarter of your life.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>Is Monogamy Doomed?</strong></p><p dir="ltr">To say we are bad at monogamy isn’t an indictment of monogamy in general. Of course, people can and do succeed at life-long monogamous arrangements. Non-monogamous arrangements aren’t inherently better or worse than monogamous ones. And yet, just because we are monogamous with one person doesn’t negate the fact that many of us are still and always will be attracted to other people. As German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer put it: “One can choose what to do, but not what to want.” We’d do better as a culture if we could exercise a little more tolerance, acceptance and honest discussions around sex, desire and marriage, and try to be less rigid in our idealistic views of monogamy.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1036966';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1036966"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Wed, 27 May 2015 10:22:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1036966 at https://www.alternet.orgsexHow to Make Your Own Hot DIY Porn https://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/how-make-your-own-hot-diy-porn
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1036284';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1036284"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">There is definitely a market for porn that is more diverse, authentic, artistic, and feminist. </div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_211212901-edited.jpg?itok=VZw1VCtl" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">Online pornography is a multibillion dollar industry — <a href="http://www.onlineeducation.net/porn" target="_blank">35 percent of all internet downloads</a> are pornographic, and more than $3,000 dollars are spent on internet porn every second. Every second! In the time it took you to read that sentence, $9,000 has been blown watching people get blown.</p><p dir="ltr">Now that so many of us carry the internet in our pockets at all hours of the day and night, it’s not surprising that our access to porn has increased our consumption of it. But not only that, technology has also enabled the democratization of porn in truly groundbreaking ways, as evidenced by the popularity of amateur porn sites like YouPorn, RedTube, Chaturbate, Tube8 — not to mention social sharing sites like Reddit and Tumblr — and the ease with which smartphones have enabled us to shoot, edit, and share videos online with just a few clicks.</p><p dir="ltr">Madison Young, a porn director, actress, bondage model, writer, sex educator, and founder of Femina Potens Art Gallery, is a pioneer in this brave new world of DIY porn: "We can't wait for the mainstream to represent our stories and our sexuality in a way that is authentic and resonates with us," she told me in an <a href="http://www.eastbayexpress.com/oakland/reel-to-real/Content?oid=4203282" target="_blank">interview</a>. "Mainstream porn, as well as mainstream television and film, will always be looking at content based on its commercial capitalistic value."</p><p dir="ltr">With that in mind, Young created ArtGasm, a monthly erotic film screening in the Bay Area that showcases diverse filmmakers and points of view, and she also recently held her first <a href="http://eroticfilmschool.com" target="_blank">Erotic Film School</a>, a three-day certification program that walks participants through the process of making their own porn — from concept to editing to distribution and even to marketing. In addition, the school also offered guest appearances from industry professionals like Maggie Mayhem, Andre Shakti, Penny Barber, Danarama, Creamy Coconut, Annie Sprinkle, and Jiz Lee. “We had a wonderful turnout of students from all over the country,” Young said. “Ninety percent of our students were women or genderqueer, which was truly fabulous.”</p><p dir="ltr">Young is already gearing up for next year’s film school (happening in spring of 2016), and is currently taking applications for enterprising pornographers on the website. “I'm excited to continue offering erotic film making courses and providing resources to the new DIY pornographers ... who are expanding the vision and voice of what erotic film and porn can be, and the way in which it can impact how we view sex in our culture,” she said.</p><p dir="ltr">On top of the film school, Young is also writing a book for Greenery Press on DIY porn, aptly titled The DIY Porn Handbook: Documenting Our Own Sexual Revolution, which will be out this winter, and which she said guides individuals step by step through the process of picking up the camera and creating a film. “I believe the most compelling, authentic, interesting voices in erotic film are coming from women, queers, the trans community, feminist community, and artists who are fearless in their representation of authentic desire,” said Young. “There are more women than ever before in history picking up the camera and documenting and filming their desires and the world of sexuality as seen through their eyes.”</p><p dir="ltr">Why create your own porn? Some are drawn to DIY erotic filmmaking because they don’t see their desires and fantasies reflected in mainstream porn, which is often made for a limited audience (for men, by men), and excludes a vast world of different sexualities and bodies (See “<a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/10-things-porn-gets-horribly-wrong-about-women-and-sex" target="_blank">10 things porn gets horribly wrong about women</a>” and <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/10-things-porn-gets-horribly-wrong-about-men" target="_blank">men</a>). Young wants to broaden our conceptions of what porn can be, and for enterprising filmmakers to “create imagery and stories that bring the audience into the world as they experience it. I'm really focusing on empowering others to pick up the camera and tell their story.”</p><p dir="ltr">Others, such as Pandora Blake, also find making porn to be a source of empowerment, as well as a political act, as she wrote about on <a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/2014-03-25/how-to-empower-yourself-through-diy-porn/" target="_blank">The Frisky</a>: “For years, porn has been considered a boy’s game. The early producers, distributors, and gatekeepers of the adult industry were all male, and for some this has given the genre a bad name. But porn isn’t essentially male-dominated any more than the world of fine art is; it just historically has been because of patriarchy. We can fix it, and I think we have a duty to do so.”</p><p dir="ltr">Blake also noted that making her own porn taught her to “love my own flesh. It’s provided a safe space for me to be sexual, and to explore some of my deepest, darkest fantasies. I’ve learned confidence, body pride, and self-love.” And “above all else, when you’re your own boss, making porn is fun. There’s the performance adrenaline, the thrill of being center stage. With some fetish porn there’s a hefty endorphin kick, too. When the camera’s rolling, your movements and reactions will become more theatrical, more expressive — which results in better communication between you and your partner and gives them more feedback on your pleasure, leading to a better time for all.”</p><p dir="ltr">It remains to be seen whether amateur and DIY porn will have a substantial effect on mainstream porn, but what is clear is that such sites are here to stay, and they are giving traditional pornograpehrs a run for their money. As <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/culture/2012/jun/05/how-internet-killed-porn" target="_blank">The Guardian</a> put it, “The arrival of free YouTube-style porn sites meant that consumers could download pirated scenes from the vast backlog of old content for free. The phenomenon of DIY amateur sex ... also put a dent in the professionals' paychecks. Suddenly an industry that was a byword for easy money, raking in billions by exploiting the anonymity of point-and-click purchasing, was fighting for its life.”</p><p dir="ltr">The rise of DIY porn has also proven that there is definitely a market for porn that is more diverse, authentic, artistic, and feminist. “It's up to us,” said Young, “the artists, the activists, to care about and create change for the cultural advancement of our communities, and the way in which we are represented as individuals and sexual beings.”</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1036284';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1036284"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Wed, 13 May 2015 08:18:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1036284 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsCultureSex & RelationshipseroticapornographyporndiyinternetfilmmakingGive 'Em a Tri-Gasm?!? 10 Worst, Funniest Tips for Making Women (and Men) Get Offhttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/give-em-tri-gasm-10-worst-funniest-tips-making-women-and-men-get
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1035938';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1035938"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Some of the craziest advice involves baby powder, hot water, and feet. </div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_94333171-edited.jpg?itok=iUCL6jpm" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p>As your sage aunt no doubt told you in a bourbon-tinged monologue before passing out on the “festive rug” your mom put out during Christmas, orgasms are fun! And we, as a people, go to great lengths to teach others how to make these very specific and fleeting muscle spasms occur.</p><p>Well, this list is the opposite of that! Read on to learn how NOT to orgasm by using baby powder, “curvy moves,” and the many vaginas you didn’t know you had on your body, courtesy of wise life advice magazines like AskMen and Cosmo. </p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. <a href="http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_400/420b_4-tricks-to-make-her-orgasm.html" target="_blank">AskMen:</a> Kiss the right side of her spine</strong></p><p dir="ltr">“Touch on the right side of a woman’s spine makes her melt more so than the left side, perhaps because the left side of the brain controls her right side and it's the logical side that can talk her into anything. Whether you’re kissing her there, stroking her or gently teasing her with a tickler, just make sure your moves are curvy.”</p><p dir="ltr">If you touch the left side of her spine, she’ll start singing “Proud to Be an American,” so don’t even think about that unless you both want to end up crying. Also, what are curvy moves? Are we having sex or is this a Bollywood movie?</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. <a href="http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_400/420_4-tricks-to-make-her-orgasm.html" target="_blank">AskMen:</a> Put on musky cologne and baby powder</strong></p><p dir="ltr">“Smell is the strongest of the five senses when it comes to sexual functioning for two reasons: First, since anything musky mimics testosterone, it’ll kick her libido into high gear. Baby powder can have a similar effect by activating her ‘scent print,’ which links babies to procreation.”</p><p dir="ltr">Mmm, nothing makes women hotter than smelling an astringent powder used for preventing diaper rash.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. <a href="http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a1762/hot-cold-sex-tricks/" target="_blank">Cosmo</a>: H2OhNo</strong></p><p dir="ltr">“If you want to bring your man to the boiling point, try this hot-water trick. Put a warm — not scalding — cup of H2O by the bed. Before you go down on him, take a sip to get your mouth nice and toasty, and swallow. Then take another small sip, but this time hold on to the liquid as you take him in your mouth, swish the water around his member for a few seconds and then swallow. If any of it spills on him, just lick it off; we promise, he won't mind one little bit.”</p><p dir="ltr">Who DOESN’T love backwash on his penis?</p><p dir="ltr">This trick also releases plaque build-up in your molars!</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. <a href="http://www.nerve.com/advice/ridiculous-tips/the-36-most-ridiculous-sex-tips-from-emmens-health-em-and-emmaxim-em" target="_blank">Men’s Health mag</a>: Cold feet? Have you tried putting your penis on them?</strong></p><p dir="ltr">"Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they're in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found. To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes."</p><p dir="ltr">If that doesn’t work, stick her feet directly into a microwave. The radiation will give her an interesting sensation and remind her of Hot Pockets. Bitches love Hot Pockets! Because they inadvertently remind her of vaginas, which remind her of sex, which reminds her of Catholic school and how she is surely going to Hell, which reminds her of Catholic school GIRLS, which she was for Halloween once in 2007, and how that night she got a nice back rub from a drag queen dressed as ZomBeyonce, which made her feel less deeply alone in the world, and thus a little turned on. Plus, Hot Pockets are delicious!</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. <a href="http://mytinysecrets.com/the-4-g-spots-in-a-womans-body-you-did-not-know-exist/" target="_blank">My Tiny Secrets</a>: You have at least four VAGINA’S!</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Really, you should read the entire post, which apostrophes “vagina’s” and includes lengthy, confusing run-ons, such as “The back of her neck, the spine that leads up to the coccyx, the muscles wrapping around the spine on the neck are her lips, and the coccyx is her clitoris, the spine is the empty space and opening, and the entire neck is her entire vagina as a whole.”</p><p dir="ltr">That may be the best sentence ever written by confused sex robots.</p><p dir="ltr">Also, according to this lady, women have vaginas the way cows have stomachs. My favorite is the Foot Vagina: “The top of the foot and the bottom of the foot are an entire vagina. The top of the foot is the outer lips, the bottom of the foot is the inner lips and labia, and the entrance to her vaginal canal and her clitoris is somewhere along the bottom of her foot.”</p><p dir="ltr">Someone clearly needs to introduce this lady to whoever wrote the Men’s Health cold-foot-penis advice above.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>6. <a href="http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip/36b_love_tip.html" target="_blank">AskMen</a>: Oral sex needs more boxing imagery</strong></p><p dir="ltr">“The ‘Rope-a-dope’ [is] the strategy Muhammad Ali used to take down George Foreman during the edge-of your-seat Rumble in the Jungle. Let her push and grind against your flat, still tongue ... and then spring back with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes. Lick her senseless with a short burst of energy and then return to the flat, still tongue, waiting for yet another opportune moment to spring to life again.”</p><p dir="ltr">YOUR VAGINA IS GEORGE FOREMAN.</p><p dir="ltr">NOW SOMEONE MAKE ME A SANDWICH ON AN ELECTRICALLY HEATED GRILL.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>7. <a href="http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/things-women-wish-you-knew/printer.php" target="_blank">Men’s Health</a>: Straight women enjoy penises</strong></p><p dir="ltr">“Penises are sexy to women," says Tierney Lorenz, M.A., a researcher at the sexual psychophysiology laboratory at the University of Texas at Austin.”</p><p dir="ltr">WELL, THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!*</p><p dir="ltr">*Admittedly, this is not orgasm advice. But too great not to include.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>8. <a href="http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a2299/9-triggers/" target="_blank">Cosmo</a>: Stand aside, Achilles</strong></p><p dir="ltr">“Halfway between his heel and ankle bone is a fingertip-size pressure point that we've learned has enormous passion potential. … Do the deed in the reverse girl-on-top position, so you face his feet. As you sense your guy is getting close to climax, reach forward, grab his ankles and pulse each pressure point in rhythm with your thrusts. He'll blow a gasket in seconds.”</p><p dir="ltr">IT’S DEFINITELY THE ANKLE-PULSING THING AND NOT THE HAVING-SEX-WITH-A-WOMAN THING THAT’S DOING IT FOR HIM.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>9. <a href="http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/unbelievable-orgasm" target="_blank">Men’s Health</a>: Belly button? More like BELLY BUTTON VAGINA</strong></p><p dir="ltr">“While there isn’t much research on the subject … ”</p><p dir="ltr">HA, like that ever stopped anyone from giving sex advice.</p><p dir="ltr">“... it’s theorized that belly button stimulation can hit the vagus nerve, a branchlike structure that connects the brain to the cervix via the belly. For men, it’s the vagus nerve that causes that stomach-turning, nauseatingly painful feeling when you’re kicked in the balls. But for certain women, stimulating that nerve via the belly button can take them straight to Pleasuretown.”</p><p dir="ltr">But I was told we were going to Funky Town. I feel misled.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>10. <a href="http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/g2078/give-him-the-best-orgasm/?slide=4" target="_blank">Cosmo</a>: The Tri-Gasm</strong></p><p>“When you sense he's about there, cup his balls gently and press his perineum at the same time. That plus him inside you equals three erogenous zones being stimulated at once — intense.”</p><p>Works best if standing on one foot in half-lotus position, while reciting the quadratic equation, and baking cookies. BITCHES LOVE HALF-LOTUS QUADRATIC EQUATION RECITATION AND COOKIES.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1035938';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1035938"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Wed, 06 May 2015 07:37:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1035938 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & RelationshipssexorgasmromancecouplesThe 8 Freakiest Sex Things in the Biblehttps://www.alternet.org/8-freakiest-sex-things-bible
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1034222';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1034222"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Dildos and dil-don’ts? Our favorite filthy references from the Good Book.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2015-04-02_at_11.20.38_am.png?itok=vBRLg2nJ" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">The Bible has some lovely stories in it about kindness, empathy, and loving one’s fellow humans. But for every part about “not casting the first stone” and “doing unto others as you’d have them do unto you,” there are also a LOT of stories about other kinds of “stones” (the nether kind), and “coming in unto” people (meaning sex) as well. Below are some of our favorite filthy references from the Good Book.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Dildos and dil-don’ts</strong></p><p dir="ltr">One of the weirder books in the Bible (and we say that with a pillar of salt) is Ezekiel, who is a visionary and possibly God’s first experiment with LSD. In Ezekiel, God is pissed about Israel’s idolatry and immorality, such as all the jewelry that Judah (the town, who is described as an adulterous wife-prostitute for some reason) is turning into dildos.</p><p dir="ltr">“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.” (<a href="http://biblehub.com/ezekiel/16-17.htm">Ezekiel 16:17</a>)</p><p dir="ltr">Wives! So inconsiderate, amirite? You take the time and money to give some nice bling to your doting lady, and she goes and turns them into dongs and whores herself out with them. Next time, you should probably go with flowers, Zeke. </p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Women are the worst, part two</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Deuteronomy is basically a big, weird pep talk from Moses where he explains God’s rules, such as when to marry your sister-in-law (if you’re confused, here’s a breakdown in <a href="http://www.thebricktestament.com/the_law/when_to_marry_your_sister-in-law/dt25_05a.html">Legos</a>), when to muzzle one’s ox, and when to never seize a man’s genitals:</p><p dir="ltr">"If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity." (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy+25%3A11-12&amp;version=NIV">Deuteronomy 25:11-12</a>)</p><p dir="ltr">So, wait a minute. Two bros are out fighting and then a wife comes to rescue her husband who’s getting beaten up, but then tries to initiate a menage a trois? There’s a time and a place, girlfriend! And it is not during Fight Club. There’s no orgies in fight club, as the little known third rule goes. We think, perhaps, that the real reason this gal is slated to get her hand cut off is because she caught her hubby having some gay sex with his fellow countryman and was like, “When in Israel…” and tried to join, but they were having none of that. But that’s just our guess.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Boobs and dongs</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Ezekiel is back and with weirder sexual imagery than a David Lynch/Mitchell Brothers film.</p><p dir="ltr">“When she carried on her whoring so openly and flaunted her nakedness, I turned in disgust from her, as I had turned in disgust from her sister. Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses. Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts.” (Ezekiel 23:18-21)</p><p dir="ltr">Men were hung like donkeys and boobs were ripe for fondling? How awful. We totally see why you would want to leave that place.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. More boobs</strong></p><p dir="ltr">In an attempt to avoid “loose” women who will surely ruin you with their words of oil and honey, Proverbs tries to teach men to love their wives whom they’ve had since they were young: “A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+5+&amp;version=NIV">Proverbs 5:19</a>)</p><p dir="ltr">Aww, that’s kind of sweet. Unless we’re still talking about the deer. Then, um.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Still more boobs</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Solomon’s <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Song+of+Songs+1+&amp;version=NIV">Song of Songs</a> could put any Fifty Shades of Grey passage to shame. The book is supposed to be an allegory for God’s love, but it reads very much like an erotic poem. As a friend put it, “Song of Solomon particularly puzzled me as a child. My Bible school teacher tried to tell us it was a man's love letter to God. Well, God apparently has nice tits.” Here’s a small sampling:</p><p dir="ltr">“Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.” (7.3)</p><p dir="ltr">Again with the deer imagery. And now, gazelles!</p><p dir="ltr">“Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit.” (7.7)</p><p dir="ltr">“My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts.” (1:13)</p><p dir="ltr">Okay, my boobs are woodland creatures, palm trees, and myrrh. We’re getting confused here, Solomon. Are we playing twenty questions? Is “mineral” next?</p><p dir="ltr">“I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment.” (8:10)</p><p dir="ltr">Towers? Well that’s kind of a stretch, but we guess it’s better than grapes.</p><p dir="ltr">“Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” (4:16)</p><p dir="ltr">If that’s not cunnilingus, we don’t know what is.</p><p>And then there’s this: "My beloved put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him." (<a href="http://biblehub.com/songs/5-4.htm">5:4</a>)</p><p>Holy crap — literally.</p><p><strong>6. A marriage dowry in foreskins</strong></p><p>In Samuel, King Saul’s daughter had the hots for David (of Goliath-slaying fame) and, though Saul was not fond of David (he thought David was trying to steal his throne), Saul still planned to use his daughter to ensnare David, and so agreed to the marriage. But David was skeptical. He said “Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law? I’m only a poor man and little known.”</p><p dir="ltr">When Saul’s servants told him what David had said, Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’” (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Samuel+18%3A20-30&amp;version=NIV">1 Samuel 18:20-30</a>)</p><p dir="ltr">Dowries ARE rather old-fashioned, but well, would you settle perhaps for something less brutal than a hundred Philistine foreskins? It’s just that we’re rather strapped for time, Saul. We hear Bed Bath and Beyond is having a sale on monogrammed towels, for instance.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>7. More foreskin</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Zipporah, the wife of Moses, has a tale in Exodus that is pretty <a href="http://www.usnews.com/news/religion/articles/2008/01/25/zipporah-may-be-obscure-but-the-wife-of-moses-mattered">universally agreed-upon</a> as crazy. What happened is that, after the burning bush incident, Moses is headed back to Egypt to free the slaves. While en route, God tries to kill Moses in their tent, for some reason. So Zipporah, during the scuffle, grabs God’s genitals and then he cuts off her hand! Just kidding, sorry, we can’t get over that Deuteronomy bit. No, she takes a rock to their baby son’s genitals and circumcises him that way. It’s written as such:</p><p dir="ltr">“Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son's foreskin and threw it at Moses' feet, and she said, ‘You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.’" (<a href="http://biblehub.com/nasb/exodus/4.htm">Exodus 4:25</a>)</p><p dir="ltr">It’s surmised that Zipporah did this because circumcision was how God knew who his chosen peeps were. Yet, you would think God would have simply told Moses that instead of trying to kill him in the night. Though we can’t entirely blame him. We, too, have been surprised by an occasional dong coozy surprise in the night, and reached for the nearest rock.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>8. A “Lot” of trouble</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Most people only think of Lot in terms of his wife, whom God turned into a pillar of salt as he “rain[ed] destruction upon Sodom and Gomorrah.” (You don’t like it, eh? Poof! You are now an incredibly useful preservative!) But Lot’s story is also very weird and raunchy in its own right. Let’s (s)examine.</p><p dir="ltr"><em>Attempted angel rape</em></p><p dir="ltr">Most have probably read or heard about the story of Sodom and Gomorrah (Feel free to read the whole thing in <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+19">Genesis</a> if you’re so inclined). To paraphrase: God sent two angels to Sodom to see if it was really as wicked as he read on PerezHilton.com. The angels (in the guise of old men) stayed with Lot, and once word got out, the entire city came to Lot’s door demanding to “know” the angels. (Genesis 19:5) (“<a href="http://www.wouldjesusdiscriminate.org/biblical_evidence/sodom_and_gomorrah.html">Know</a>” in this instance probably means sex. The same Hebrew word was used in Judges in regard to a group of men raping a woman to death, which scholars are fairly sure doesn’t mean “They asked her about her Etsy blog.”</p><p dir="ltr">Lot, ever the good host, offered his virgin daughters to the angry mob instead (and this was BEFORE they date-raped him — more on that to come — so really, someone take Lot’s Father of the Year award away), but the mob refuses. The angels, at this point, are like, “Enough, guys,” blinds them, and then God destroys the city.</p><p dir="ltr">Somehow this story is used to condemn homosexuality, even though why would you offer a mob of angry gay men two women to appease them? Also, not that we don’t find silver foxes bangable, but well, this seems more like a case of insane violence than, you know, a fun gay orgy. But let’s continue.</p><p dir="ltr"><em>Incest-y date rape</em></p><p dir="ltr">After Sodom was destroyed, Lot took his two daughters to live with them in a cave (like ya do). One day, his older daughter said to the younger:</p><p dir="ltr">“Our father is old, and there is no man around here to give us children — as is the custom all over the earth. Let’s get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father.” (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+19%3A30-36&amp;version=NIV">Genesis 19:30</a>)</p><p dir="ltr">This plan worked out so well that the younger daughter did it the following night, with Lot being entirely unaware of it again, somehow!</p><p dir="ltr">“So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went in and slept with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. So both of Lot’s daughters became pregnant by their father.” (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+19%3A30-36&amp;version=NIV">Genesis 19:35</a>)</p><p>That’s the end! Nothing bad happens to these folks. They bear sons and name them Moab and Ben. To recap: Roofie-ing one’s elderly father and raping him = fine. Agreeing to lead a slave rebellion for God but forget to circumcise your infant son = DEATH.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1034222';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1034222"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Thu, 02 Apr 2015 09:06:00 -0700Anna Pulley, AlterNet1034222 at https://www.alternet.orgsexbibleIrritable Hearts: A Searing, Beautiful (and Funny) Chronicle of Love and PTSDhttps://www.alternet.org/irritable-hearts-searing-beautiful-and-funny-chronicle-love-and-ptsd
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1032142';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1032142"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Part memoir, part investigative journalism jaunt, part look at a complex and frequently misunderstood illness.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2015-02-19_at_2.30.18_pm.png?itok=RS_J2af2" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr"><em>Click here to buy a copy of<a href="http://us.macmillan.com/static/fib/irritablehearts/" target="_blank"> </a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Irritable-Hearts-PTSD-Love-Story/dp/1250052890" target="_blank">Irritable Hearts: A PTSD Love Story</a>.</em></p><p dir="ltr">“No one says that unresolved trauma can kill you. If anyone did, maybe people would take it more seriously. Serious as cancer.” Thus writes Mac McClelland in her unflinching new book <em>Irritable Hearts: A PTSD Love Story.</em> Part memoir, part investigative journalism jaunt, part searing look at a complex and frequently misunderstood illness, <em>Irritable Hearts</em> chronicles McClelland’s battles with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) — which she first experienced while reporting on the atrocities of post-earthquake Haiti in 2010 for Mother Jones magazine — and whose persistent effects include a delightful grab bag of night terrors, dissociation, numbness, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, hysterical sobbing fits, alcoholism, and a belief that she is the embodiment of poison.</p><p dir="ltr">The book begins with an unlikely romantic endeavor. McClelland’s boyfriend Nico, a French peacekeeper whom she met in Haiti, asks her to marry him in the middle of a hysterical breakdown, prompted by her unresolved trauma from reporting on Haiti’s alarming sexual violence epidemic. An award-winning human rights reporter and author of the heart-rending, nonfiction look at Burmese genocide, <em>For Us Surrender Is Out of the Question,</em> McClelland is no stranger to horrific cruelties. So it’s unsurprising that <em>Irritable Hearts</em> claws deep into the shitstew of PTSD, with McClelland candidly and shockingly presenting facts and statistics about the disorder that many probably have never heard or read about.</p><p dir="ltr">For instance, though we mostly associate PTSD with soldiers, in actuality, the most common cause of the disorder in America is violence against women (with domestic abuse and sexual assault ranking highly). Another is that many natural disasters, such as Hurricane Katrina, which McClelland evacuated from in 2005, result in PTSD. Another is that every day, eighteen veterans commit suicide. In an alarming catch-22, McClelland notes that “the very things that made the ones with PTSD want to die were the symptoms their bodies produced because it had so badly wanted to survive.” Another is that PTSD sufferers don’t even need to directly experience trauma in order to be develop symptoms, as countless wives of veterans have attested (and many of whom McClelland interviewed).</p><p dir="ltr">But far from a beautifully crafted catalog of emotional and cultural atrocities, <em>Irritable Hearts </em>is seared with an undeniable hopefulness, as well as McClelland’s cheerfully acidic wit and singular talent for storytelling. The subtitle delivers on its promise: at its core, the book is a love story, and a terribly romantic one at that. The barriers that Mac and Nico overcome are so numerous and so weighty that they increasingly take on an almost soap-operatic quality. For each other, they cross language barriers and continents; they face displacement and mental illness and suicide — one attempted, one carried through. And yet, in spite of all that, it’s love’s deep and reassuring promise that carries them both through.</p><p dir="ltr">"I wanted to feel myself in the world so I could feel the best thing the world had to offer, and that was Nico's love," she writes. And in this way,<em> Irritable Hearts</em> is far more than a love story — it’s a life story. A testament to survival, the bloody fist of it, how we make it through the pain and suffering of living in a world that has been and will always be fucked. Not only that, but it’s about how we move on and grow and love, not just others, but our own deeply flawed selves. This is the crux of McClelland’s book, the rare beating irritable heart of it.</p><p dir="ltr">Much like the earthquake Haiti that McClelland was reporting on when she first experienced her plight with PTSD,<em> Irritable Hearts</em> will shake you to the core, and all the agony and defeat and struggle that McClelland lives and writes through is palpably felt. It can be, at times, an exhausting read. In fact, early on in the book, I joked to my girlfriend that reading about her PTSD was giving me PTSD. That’s an exaggeration, of course, but McClelland writes with that kind of immediacy and nerve. You can tell she is writing for her life.</p><p dir="ltr">One of the most deeply felt facets of the book is in regard to our cultural biases against those who experience trauma. Culturally and systemically, we have a tendency to want to downplay, deny, ignore, and outright mock those who suffer from the disorder (PTSD didn’t even make it into the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders until 1980, a scant 35 years ago). Our warped societal views on PTSD often take on a victim-blaming mentality, and the ensuing ridicule, rejection, and stigma only serve to prolong and worsen PTSD symptoms. McClelland herself had much trouble accepting her own PTSD diagnosis, despite her symptoms matching the DSM’s definition to a T, and confirmations from not one, not two, but three licensed therapists (the last one involving a state-certified psychiatric evaluation, so that her insurance would allow her to keep seeing the second therapist).</p><p dir="ltr">Despite the book’s weightier issues, <em>Irritable Hearts</em> is also quite funny. This is due to McClelland’s signature self-deprecating style, which gives even her craziest moments a kind of unhinged jubilance. For instance, after months of struggling to have non-hysterical-crying-or-triggering sex with Nico, she finally succeeds, joyfully exclaiming: “Make way for this girl; she’s got FUNCTIONAL SEXUALITY.” In another scenario, she has imaginary truthful phone calls with her loved ones that go like this: “Hi it’s me. I still hate being alive. Yeah, I am still not coping with any of this.” In another, she recalls the absurdity of having an episodic breakdown in the canned-bean aisle of the grocery store. In another, she recounts of the daily night terrors she experienced at the same time that she was falling in love:</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr">“[W]e woke up smiling at each other and he said, “I was dreaming we were shopping for engagement rings.”</p><p dir="ltr">“Oh yeah?” I said. “I was dreaming I stepped in a decomposing face.”</p></blockquote><p dir="ltr">McClelland is, as she describes herself in regard to how her journalistic sources feel about her, “universally charming,” despite all of the panic and anger and sadness piled on top of her life like some kind of clownish grief cake. And her keen, sympathetic eye in the face of all the suffering and loss is what ultimately buoys the narrative out of darkness and into one of kindness, forgiveness, and wobbly triumph.</p><p dir="ltr">Near the end of the book, McClelland (with help from renowned trauma researcher Judith Lewis Herman) reminds us that recovery cannot be done in isolation. We need to surround ourselves with good people and big loves and new connections if we are to have a chance at survival. “Recovery can only take place within the context of relationships,” writes Herman.</p><p>McClelland sums up this importance in one stark, lovely passage toward the book’s end. It’s shortly after she and Nico have wed, and are about to start the rest of their lives, “for better or for worse”: “We celebrated in the stillness at a cabin there, my dress, spilling over a chair, a reminder of what we’d done, but the feeling around us the same as in my hotel room that night in Haiti: relief that we were near. Permanently relieved, now, that we would never be another way.”</p><p dir="ltr"><em>Click here to buy a copy of<a href="http://us.macmillan.com/static/fib/irritablehearts/" target="_blank"> </a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Irritable-Hearts-PTSD-Love-Story/dp/1250052890" target="_blank">Irritable Hearts: A PTSD Love Story</a>.</em></p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1032142';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1032142"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Thu, 19 Feb 2015 11:21:00 -0800Anna Pulley, AlterNet1032142 at https://www.alternet.orgirritable heartsptsdmac mcclelland18 Outrageously Bad Sex Tips For Menhttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/18-outrageously-bad-sex-tips-men
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1030945';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1030945"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Most terrible sex advice is aimed at women. But men get their share of questionable tips as well. </div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_116344414-edited.jpg?itok=Quhft14A" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p>While the lion’s share of bad relationship advice is aimed at women (e.g. fellating pastries somehow leads to a <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/i-tried-cosmos-weirdest-sex-tips-so-you-dont-have">more fulfilling sex life</a>), there’s plenty of terrible advice directed at dudes, too, often involving a salient combination of manipulation, foodstuffs and math. Here are the worst offenders, from pickup artists, <em>Men’s Health</em>, <em>Maxim</em>, and beyond.</p><p><strong>1. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob." (<em>Maxim UK</em>)</strong></p><p>We’ve been known to joke about <a href="http://www.alternet.org/story/149710/9_stupid_myths_about_bisexuals_that_will_make_you_laugh">boning Nutella before</a>, so we can’t harp too much, but if you present your lady with a brown, gooey dick, she’s going to have questions, and none of those will be, “May I enthusiastically blow you?” Also does this work in reverse? ‘Cause this Hot Pocket in my vagina’s not gonna eat itself.</p><p><strong>2. “After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does… So prolonged french kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically.” (<em>Men’s Health</em>)</strong></p><p>Yes, it’s definitely your testosterone-laden saliva that’s making us “chemically interested.” If the prolonged french kissing doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, try spitting in her face.</p><p><strong>3. “A woman may want financial and family security, but she does not want passion security. In the same manner, when she has displeased you, punish swiftly, but when she has done you right, reward slowly.” (</strong><a href="http://heartiste.wordpress.com/the-sixteen-commandments-of-poon/"><strong>Chateau Heartiste,</strong></a><strong><strong>pickup artist site)</strong></strong></p><p>It works for the Dog Whisperer so it must be true.</p><p><strong>4. Take a pearl necklace and "lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation.” (<em>Men’s Health</em></strong>)</p><p>Now put your dick in her ear. Can she hear the ocean?</p><p><strong>5. “Wait three days to call her.” (Three-Day Rule, <em>Swingers)</em></strong></p><p>For the love of god, she’s not a sourdough starter. At its core, the three-day rule, enacted so you don’t seem too desperate or eager, makes some sense. Except who calls people anymore, except when you’re locked out of your house or your face is on fire? What if she texts you? Are you going to ignore it until Wednesday because of advice Vince Vaughn gave in the mid-’90s? </p><p>We know you’re playing it cool, man. We get it. Just fucking tell us when the next bowling date is going down. That’s all we want to know. </p><p><strong>6. “Flirt with other women in front of her. Do not dissuade other women from flirting with you.</strong> <strong>Women will never admit this but jealousy excites them. The thought of you turning on another woman will arouse her sexually.” (Cheateau Heartiste</strong>)</p><p>Of course women (and men) want their partner to be perceived as desirable to others. But intentionally trying to make your partner jealous is a pathetic power trip used by the most insecure. And no, women “will never admit” it because it’s not true. Just like men “will never admit” they love surprise anal.</p><p><strong>7. “[H]ave her kneel on the edge of the bed with her upper chest touching the mattress. This elongates the vaginal barrel, making it feel tighter… she'll enjoy the nipple stimulation from rubbing the mattress.” (<em>Men’s Health</em>)</strong></p><p>It’s like shooting fish in a vaginal barrel. We don’t think mattress burn counts as “stimulation” though.</p><p><strong>8. “Give your woman two-thirds of everything she gives you. For every three calls or texts, give her two back. Three declarations of love earn two in return. Three gifts; two nights out. Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more. When she speaks, you reply with fewer words. When she emotes, you emote less… In her deepest loins it is what she truly wants.” (Chateau Heartiste</strong>)</p><p>And if she responds with one word, reply with a series of monosyllabic grunts or through miming. She thinks she’s got you in a box, but little does she know, it’s INVISIBLE. Treating every exchange with women like a manipulative math problem is 3/4 stupid, 5/8 sad, and 100 percent guaranteed to make you into an ex variable.</p><p>Also, did he just call my loins shallow?</p><p><strong>9. "Make sure she knows how beautiful she is and how sexually skilled she is, especially if she isn't — sexually skilled, that is." (<em>Men’s Health</em></strong>)</p><p>Once you’ve blown someone while also consuming your daily dose of carbohydrates at the same time, then we’ll talk about “skills,” okay?</p><p><strong>10. "Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse." (<em>Men’s Health</em></strong>)</p><p>Don’t let your genitals hog all the attention while your face just sits there like a chump. Your face could be having sex with someone else’s face! Complete with tongues darting in and out, just like the hokey pokey told us it was all about! We suggest you try this in a mirror first to see how much you resemble a lunatic ostrich.</p><p><strong>11. “No woman in all of human history has ever looked better with short hair than she would with a head full of healthy locks… Short hair is a near-guarantee that a girl will be more abrasive, more masculine, and more deranged.” (Return of Kings,</strong><a href="http://www.returnofkings.com/26763/girls-with-short-hair-are-damaged"><strong>pickup artist site</strong></a>)</p><p>To illustrate this, he shows a picture of Jennifer Lawrence, whom everyone knows is the most busted-ass troll ever to grace 10,000 glossy magazines. It’s fine to have a preference, but don’t act like your penis is the only one in the universe, Mr. Anonymous Wang-Bearer. Besides, pathologizing women based on hair length is about as stupid as determining someone’s sexual identity by Mountain Dew consumption, or, well, as stupid as everything on Return of Kings.</p><p><strong>12. "To ears deafened by political correctness, words like 'baby' and 'doll' sound condescending and sexist, to most women in relationships, they sound like love.” (<em>Men’s Health</em></strong>)</p><p>Endearing pet names are only condescending/sexist when preceded by condescending/sexist remarks. To wit: “Need some help with that childproof cap, sugar?” is a surefire way to get a childproof cap to the eye.</p><p><strong>13. “Stroke her forearm first. This area of the arm is packed with pleasure nerves that respond best to a touch traveling 1 to 10 centimeters per second... [to stimulate] an area of the brain associated with trust and affection.” (<em>Men’s Health</em></strong>)</p><p>Plus, the ruler and stopwatch you’d need to have with you to measure this forearm stroking will show her that you know how to accessorize <em>and</em> count to 10.</p><p><strong>14. "If she's feeling stimulated by you (not just sexually), her pupils will dilate." (<em>Men’s Health</em></strong>)</p><p>A ruler, a stopwatch, and an <a href="http://vision.about.com/od/eyeexamequipment/g/Infrared_Pupil.htm">infrared pupillometer</a>—got it. Boy, my man-satchel is getting heavy.</p><p><strong>15. “If she moves her feet away from her body, adopting a more open-legged stance, you’re golden. But if she crosses her legs or tucks them under her body, you may as well ask for the check and call it a night before dessert.” (<em>Men’s Health</em></strong>)</p><p>Because prudes don’t deserve pie! Or, you know, women who wear skirts or dresses and don’t wish to beaver-flash unsuspecting passersby.</p><p><strong>16. “Challenge her to strip PlayStation.” (<em>Men’s Health</em></strong>)</p><p>"Strip video gaming is fun and sexy. Every time a character is killed, you must remove a piece of clothing." You know what’s even more fun? Strip Stop Playing Fucking Video Games All Day and Have Sex with Me Already.</p><p><strong>17. “Pour peppermint schnapps in her belly button...</strong></p><p>I’m going to stop you there because if you’re drinking schnapps on purpose you’re probably a high school sophomore and shouldn’t be reading this.</p><p><strong>18. ...Sip it. Then kiss her breasts and blow on the spots you kissed. The peppermint schnapps and air will cause a cool sensation and heighten arousal." (<em>Men's Health</em>)</strong></p><p>Or she’ll be angry that you spilled your giggle-water on her nice duvet cover.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1030945';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1030945"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Tue, 27 Jan 2015 06:56:00 -0800Anna Pulley, AlterNet1030945 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipssexmenadvicerelationships9 Signs That Your Relationship May Be Doomedhttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/9-signs-your-relationship-may-be-doomed
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1030929';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1030929"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Do you trust your partner?</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_84259348.jpg?itok=yazapTQ2" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">When you’re in love, your heart feels like it's windsurfing, and everything is magical and tinted whatever color is the opposite of regret (beige?). But that whole love-blindness business that helps you fall in the first place also makes it really difficult to figure out when your relationship has taken a turn for the DUMP THEM NOW. With that in mind, we made you a list of red-flaggies to keep in mind as you wade through the relationship muck, wondering if you’re going to make it out alive or sink like a straight-to-DVD Olsen twins adventure.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. You fight more than you have sex.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">We’re not going to get all prescriptive and tell you how much sex you should be having in your relationship, but we will say that if you are yelling a lot more than you’re getting it on, your relationship is off-kilter and you need to shift priorities and/or communication strategies ASAP. If you’re fighting in equal measure to having sex, you are probably just going through a rough patch, or are merely kinky, so play on.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. You stop fighting and having sex altogether.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Worse than the above scenario (in our opinion) is when you stop both fighting <em>and</em> having sex, aka your spark has been replaced with complacency and apathy. You become roommates who passive-aggressively bicker at Whole Foods because you don’t even have enough fire left to start a real argument or take some aggression out in the bedroom. This is a bad sign. Alternately, though, too much volatility also isn’t helpful—if you are screaming at each other over what salt-and-pepper shakers to purchase at IKEA, for instance. Too much fire and your house burns down, as our friends the three little pigs taught us about divorce all those years ago.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. You <strong>exhibit</strong> criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">According to <a href="http://www.couplestherapydoc.com/images/Why%20marriages%20succeed%20or%20fail.pdf">John Gottman</a>, who has studied hundreds of married couples and can scarily predict who will stay together and who will separate, what makes a marriage work is finding ways to resolve conflicts productively. That sounds easy enough! But to do so, you must avoid these four damaging processes: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Do you harbor hefty doses of one or more of these negative feelings toward your partner? Then you might be headed for disaster. Of the four, contempt is probably the biggest predictor of doom, and is defined as “the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner." Signs of contempt can include eye-rolling, insults, hostility, name-calling, and mocking her Jewel holiday album (it’s nostalgic, OK?).</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. You don’t trust your partner.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Do you check your partner’s emails or texts or g-chats when he isn't around? Have you ever counted condoms to see if any were being used without you? Do you not believe her when she says where she's going or who she'll be with? Do you lie about being Iron Man to get your partner to sleep with you? Congrats, you have trust issues, and probably a Robert Downey Jr. fetish. Maybe you have a good reason—like he cheated on you once and is still in the doghouse. If not though, then it may be time to reassess the relationship. Trust is the foundation, after all. Without trust, it’s like trying to do yoga on a pile of Arby’s roast beef sandwiches—messy, awful, and you don’t know why you’re drooling.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. You want to spend more time with your friends than with your partner.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Maintaining some alone and friend time is integral for a healthy relationship, of course, but when you reach a point where you’d rather hang out with Steve at Applebee’s to drink warm, domestic beer than be with your loving girlfriend, then that’s just fine—see if I care! If you get to a place where you’re avoiding spending time with your significant other, the issues run deeper than your love of Applebee’s, we’re afraid. Same goes for finding excuses to stay late at work or if you’ve taken up scrapbooking to fill the crippling hole of loneliness in your heart.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>6. You stop making each other a priority.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Whereas before, you’d return his calls right away, you’d text her funny emojis, you’d have no problem picking him up a tub of Red Vines on your way home, or making her favorite bacon Nutella sandwich, now those acts and sweet-nothings seem like chores and burdens. When you stop caring about doing nice things for your partner (and we mean both big and small things) it’s a sign that you’ve also lost some interest in the relationship itself. You’ve stopped showing up for each other. This isn’t to say that taking her aunt’s Chihuahua to the vet will cease to be annoying if your relationship is solid, but helping your partner out and putting in the small doses of effort that make her feel appreciated are ways to show your good faith and devotion.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>7. You <strong>constantly</strong>suppress your own needs.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">There’s give and take and then there’s rolling over completely. If you’ve found yourself in the latter position, that’s a red flag. Deferring to your partner’s needs, whether they are small sacrifices like always watching “Say Yes to the Dress” marathons, or big ones like moving to a new town so your partner can pursue his dream job, suppressing your own happiness for the sake of your lover is doomed to make you miserable, cranky and resentful. If the power is dramatically off-balance, it’s going to do a number on one or both parties eventually. Real love flows easily in both directions.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>8. Non-consensual non-monogamy aka cheating is routine.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">File this under: Duh, but unless you’ve got an open agreement with your partner, cheating is a big red arrow pointing to splitsville. It goes back to the trust issue we spoke of earlier—how fun that was! So many references to sandwiches! Serial cheating is disrespectful and dishonest. Plus, you could give your partner gonorrhea. Next to a framed portrait of North Kardashian West, it’s the worst parting gift one could receive. We know monogamy is hard, but lying is harder, and so is hurting people you care about.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>9. Your partner is your main source of stress.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">There are so many craptacular things to be worried about in the world—the war on women’s reproductive rights, how income inequality is so vast it barely fits on one chart anymore, you’re running out of Baconnaise, etc.—but stress from your relationship shouldn’t be consuming your life. It shouldn’t even be near the top of your list of stresses. If it is, you’ve got problems (maybe even 99 of them). The majority of your mental faculties are far better served when not weighed down by relationship strife. If you find yourself in a place where you do more worrying than nurturing, it may be time to call it quits.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1030929';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1030929"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Mon, 26 Jan 2015 17:29:00 -0800Anna Pulley, AlterNet1030929 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipsrelationshipssexromance10 U.S. Cities to Visit for a Kinky Good Timehttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/10-us-cities-visit-kinky-good-time
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1030217';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1030217"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Here&#039;s a guide to where you can let your inner freak flag fly.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_95220916-edited.jpg?itok=3MtHljwH" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p>America's sexual pastimes have long been at odds with our puritanical roots. One such example of sexual contradiction is conservative Utah, which was found to be the largest consumer of online pornography <a href="http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn16680-porn-in-the-usa-conservatives-are-biggest-consumers.html">a few years ago</a>. Despite America's sometimes shameful misgivings around sex, we can't seem to keep it in our pants. Wish Lonely Planet would stop being such a prude and release a guide to where you can let your inner freak flag fly? Well, look no further. Some cities cater to their constituents' wanton needs with festivals, clubs, or plain ol' randy reputation. Other cities get their sexy on more discreetly, thanks to the phenomenon known as the Internet. Whatever your preferred desire, the following places, in no particular order, can definitely show you a good time.</p><p><strong>1. Roselawn, Indiana</strong></p><p>Not only does Roselawn maintain a thriving (and family friendly!) nudist resort, the <a href="http://ponderosasunclub.com/sun-club.htm">Ponderosa Sun Club</a> also hosts a yearly pageant called “Nudes-A-Poppin,” MC’d by none other than famed porn star Ron Jeremy. It’s not just the strippers and porn stars shaking their money makers on stages and poles that draw thousands to this celebration every year; erotic dancing, public sex, and of course, exhibitionism abound. Located about 50 miles south of Chicago, on 88 acres of rural woodlands, Ponderosa also offers several G-rated recreational activities you never knew would be more awesome naked, like horseshoes, volleyball and chili cook-offs.</p><p><strong>2. New Orleans, Louisiana</strong></p><p>N’awlins, aka the Big Easy, has long had a reputation for debauchery. Of course, Mardi Gras, the infamous pre-Lent bacchanalian carnival has something to do with that, but New Orleans’ dirty dealings far exceed the typical Girls Gone Wild fare. Over an extended Labor Day weekend (starting the Wednesday prior), New Orleans hosts Southern Decadence, colloquially known as Gay Mardi Gras, but open to all orientations. This festival draws crowds upward of 300,000 from all over the U.S., with non-stop parties, “Big Dick” contests, and, well, sausage fests of the non-andouille variety. The South will rise again, indeed.</p><p><strong>3. Las Vegas</strong></p><p>Any city whose nickname is “Sin” shouldn’t raise any eyebrows when it comes to raunchy revelry. Known for its plentiful strip clubs, unabashed dungeon parties and bondage-themed Cirque du Soleil shows, Vegas is practically a caricature of itself when it comes to sexcapades. The Green Door claims to be the largest sex and swinger club in the U.S., with two floors, spa amenities, a “sextagon” hot tub, juice bars, a Shadow Box room for voyeurs/exhibitionists, and themed rooms like Pussy Whipped Dungeon and Dr’s Office. To get all your fetish action in one location, you can always check out the annual Fetish and Fantasy Ball, which has been happening around Halloween for over 15 years now, and even got props from the Travel Channel as a must-see event. Honorable mention goes to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Carson City, made infamous by the HBO series, "Cathouse," about American brothels. Nevada has almost 30 legal brothels around the state. </p><p><strong>4. Hurley, Wisconsin</strong></p><p>The question of which city has the most strip clubs per capita has been hotly contested. Portland, Oregon, sometimes referred to as “Pornland,” claims the title, and there’s even a documentary in the works about it, but no official study has been done on the subject. Get on that, America! There was a recent brouhaha about tiny Eugene, Oregon taking the title, but that <a href="http://springfield.kval.com/news/business/most-strip-clubs-capita/246433">appears to have been debunked.</a> I’d like to bring your attention to a Hurley, a small logging town with 1,547 residents (according to 2010 estimates), that also has quite a few strip clubs, six to be exact, which means there’s one strip club for every 238 residents. Not only that, Hurley was one of the few places to reject alcohol prohibition in the 1920s, and was known to entertain some of Chicago’s notorious mobsters, like<a href="http://www.hurleywi.com/index.php/heritage/history">Al Capone, John Dillinger and Baby Face Nelson.</a> Actual details of what kind of entertainment Hurley provided are curiously absent from its tourism site, but if Al Capone’s crazy case of syphilis means anything, we can probably safely assume these guys were up to no good. For that, Hurley gets a solid nod of salacious approval.</p><p><strong>5. Atlanta</strong></p><p>Hotlanta, the Big Peach, the dirty South -- these nicknames are not used merely to annoy the locals. If this Unicorn Booty infographic is to be trusted (and how could it not, despite spelling<a href="http://cdn.unicornbooty.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/gay.png">promiscuity wrong?)</a> one out of every two people in Atlanta has posted a Craigslist ad searching for gay sex. It also boasts the third highest gay male population (again based on Craigslist ads), coming just behind San Francisco and Seattle. According to a recent Trojan condoms sex survey (more on that to come), Atlanta is one of three cities where residents are most satisfied with their sex lives, reporting 80 percent satisfaction.</p><p>On the swinger front, Atlanta boasts one of the largest sex clubs, Trapeze, giving the Green Door in Vegas a run for its money, with an indoor pool, dance club, lounge area, hot tubs, and more. For entertainment of the backdoor variety, you'd be remiss not to swing by Swinging Richards, ATL’s all-nude, all-male strip club, or the Buford Highway Twin Cinema, if you miss the (dare I say quaint?) option of viewing pornos in public theaters. Perhaps the diamond in the rough of kinky Atlanta is the Clermont Lounge, which resides underneath an abandoned/condemned hotel in a tiny basement bar, and where you’ll find the oldest strippers in the U.S. Some are pushing 70, and they are legendary. If you’ve never been solicited for a lap dance by a grandmother with four teeth, then you haven’t truly lived. Just don’t touch their peach cobbler or there’ll be hell to pay.</p><p><strong>6. New York, New York</strong></p><p>If New York City and Sex were in a relationship on Facebook, it would undoubtedly be classified as, "It's complicated." NYC's rep as a no-holds-barred party town often clashes with its political and cultural mores. (Insert Anthony Weiner joke here.) It's hard to pin a number on just how many sex clubs NYC has; sources vary from a dozen to 106 on- and off-premise parties. It's safe to say that America's most populated city has plenty of places for you to do unto others as others would do unto you, while your husband continues to vote Republican. For an artsier serving of deviant sex, CineKink film festival is the ultimate in voyeurism. With everything from documentaries to camp to hardcore porn, CineKink is an experience that keeps on giving.</p><p>Elsewhere is the Museum of Sex, a small but intimate museum that encourages you to touch what's on display. It also offers many intriguing insights into the evolution of porn. Plus, you know you've always wanted to watch silent porn films from the 1910s. If you've been a bad boy or girl, head over to the monthly spanking party on the first Saturday of the month at Paddles, a popular BDSM club that also hosts slave auctions. If you don't have a paddle handy, fear not, for NYC offers a copious amount of sex toy stores, including favorites Babeland, the Pleasure Chest and Fantasy World. And don't forget the infamous Black and Blue Ball, a top fetish event sure to leave you black, but never blue. Unless you're into that.</p><p><strong>7. Austin, Texas</strong></p><p>Last year, <a href="http://www.smh.com.au/travel/travel-news/americas-sexiest-city-named-20100915-15cbm.html">Men’s Health</a> magazine took a poll of the sexiest U.S. cities. “Sexy” by its definition took into account birth rates, condom sales, rates of sexually transmitted infections, and sales of sex toys. Austin, Texas took the number one slot. And actually, seven of the top 15 cities out of the 100 urban areas polled were in Texas, including Dallas, Houston and San Antonio, thus proving that hot in the streets can and does translate to hot in the sheets. (I guess the song “All My Exes Live In Texas” wasn’t all country-western hyperbole.) A few disappointments from the more well-known hook-up cities include Las Vegas (ranked 70), New York (73), San Francisco (74) and Miami (88).</p><p><strong>8. Southern New Mexico, Southern West Virginia</strong></p><p>Since not all Dionysian denizens are comfortable airing their durrty laundry on fetish websites or city streets, sometimes it’s best to find fellow libidinous lads/ladies through other means. Last year, artist/designer R. Luke DuBois created a series of maps depicting the U.S. based on how people described themselves on online dating sites like Adult Friend Finder and Match.com. One of his maps was called the <a href="http://animalnewyork.com/2011/02/the-kinky-states-of-america-map/">Kinky States of America</a>. I know, I know, these aren’t cities but regions. However, they still provide a fascinating array of previously unknown kink pockets. DuBois culled data from 19 million dating profiles, and determined these were the kinkiest. Winners include: Southern New Mexico, which is awash in kinky men, and Southern West Virginia for the most intemperate ladies. Honorable mentions go to pervballs in Alaska, Washington D.C. and northeastern Iowa.</p><p><strong>9. Chicago, Illinois</strong></p><p>Despite being the third largest city in the US, Chicago can sometimes be overlooked by other pervy coastal city brethren as a destination for sinsation. But oh how wrong they are. Chi-Town has the distinction of hosting the yearly International Mr. Leather competition (IML) every Memorial Day Weekend, and the Mr. International Rubber competition (MIR) held on the first weekend of November every year. Chicago also hosts Shibaricon, an international rope bondage conference. Not only that, but for three days in October, Kinky College, a “Pansexual BDSM Institute of Higher Yearning” allows you to get your masters (or master’s) degree in all things kink.</p><p>If you’re too cool for school, you can also check out the Leather Archives and Museum in Rogers Park. LA&amp;M is a library, museum, and exhibit space devoted to leather, sadomasochism, and alternative sexualities. It also hosts erotic film screenings and houses a collection of old timey sex toys and lascivious devices. Just around the corner from LA&amp;M are three leather-friendly bars, Touche, Jackhammer and the Granville Anvil. After you’ve taken all that’s bestowed upon you and still want more, then peruse an extensive collection of erotic comic books and zines at Quimby’s bookstore.</p><p><strong>10. San Francisco</strong></p><p>A list of kinky cities that didn’t include San Francisco would be a sin in and of itself. Renowned for its queer denizens and its brazen flouting of convention, San Francisco knows how to get down and dirty, and often does so in broad daylight. One of the most telling kink symbols is the Folsom Street Fair, a yearly event dedicated to all things fetish. Folsom draws upward of 400,000 people each year, and covers 13 city blocks with exhibitions, live dominatrix demos and enough naked men to completely desensitize you for life. Folsom is the largest leather/fetish event in the world and the third largest single-day outdoor event in California.</p><p>Speaking of nudity, it is one of San Francisco’s favorite pastimes and naked men (and some women) can be found everywhere from street fairs to protests. As District Attorney spokesperson Debbie Melosh said in 2004, "Being naked in San Francisco is not a crime." San Francisco is also home to the Armory, a huge Moorish castle that takes up almost an entire city block in the Mission. Inside is Kink.com, which makes and distributes fetish porn, as well as hosts facility tours (don’t miss the giant hamster wheel!), and monthly women-on-women porn wrestling matches that anyone (of age) can attend. Lastly, according to a recent Trojan condoms poll, S.F. now ranks as the most promiscuous city in the nation, with an average of 30 different sex partners apiece.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1030217';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1030217"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Tue, 13 Jan 2015 11:01:00 -0800Anna Pulley, AlterNet1030217 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipssexpornsan francisconew yorkchicagokinkthe armorykink.comThe 7 Weirdest Things That Turn Women On, According to Sciencehttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/7-weirdest-things-turn-women-according-science
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1029611';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1029611"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Science has stepped in to provide some concrete answers to the age-old question of what women want.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2015-01-01_at_12.14.53_pm.png?itok=L40pg2wA" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">The question of what women want has been baffling people for years. Many books, papers, irate blogs, pick-up artist seminars, films, art, and music have been devoted to this pressing topic, each one seeming to contradict the last. If we are to believe men’s magazines, women want men to <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/18-hilariously-bad-sex-tips-men">dip their penises</a> into a jar of Nutella. If we are to believe women’s magazines, <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/15-most-unbelievably-absurd-sex-tips">women want</a> to fellate donuts. If we are to believe fan fiction (erotica involving characters from books, TV and movies), which is primarily written by women, women want to see Severus Snape from Harry Potter get it on with a Teletubby. </p><p dir="ltr">Predictably, science has stepped in to provide some more concrete answers than those involving pastries or fuzzy aliens. The following studies set out to discover what turns women on. The results will definitely surprise you.</p><p dir="ltr">1. <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/9-coolest-things-about-female-sexuality?page=0%2C1">Everything, but a naked male</a>. In Meredith Chivers’ famous study on the subject of female desire, women were hooked up to a plethysmograph (which measures vaginal blood flow and lubrication) and shown a variety of porn clips, including sex between men and women, women and women, men and men, a ripped naked man walking along a beach, and a pair of bonobos mating. The women, both straight and lesbian, were turned on by just about all of it, including the copulating apes. </p><p dir="ltr">What didn’t turn women on was the muscled naked man.* When Chivers tried a similar experiment on men, they responded in predictable patterns: Straight men’s arousal soared when women were onscreen, and not much at all when men were onscreen. Gay men had the opposite response, and neither male group responded at all to the apes. While being turned on by apes is not exactly something women can brag about at cocktail parties, Chivers’ study shows that women respond to a much wider array of stimuli than they were aware of. It also proves that the stereotype of women needing emotional connection and established intimacy to be turned on is not the case after all.</p><p>* <em>Naked men of the world, don’t despair! When women were shown a naked man who had an erection, they were turned on. It turns out that a flaccid penis doesn’t do much for the lady libido, regardless of how hot the rest of the man is</em>.</p><p dir="ltr">2. <a href="http://rsbl.royalsocietypublishing.org/content/10/4/20130958">Ten-day-old beards</a>. A study published in <em>Evolution and Human Behavior</em> in April of this year found that straight women are more attracted to men with beards, specifically 10-day stubble and full beards. Researchers from the University of New South Wales had both men and women rate the attractiveness of different facial hair growth (clean-shaven, five-day stubble, 10-day stubble, full beards). While the men gave higher ratings for the clean-shaven look, women rated clean-shaven faces as the least attractive. </p><p dir="ltr">However, no photos were shown of men with the upturned mustaches of Victorian-era oil barons, so we can’t be totally sure the smooth face is losing this war. Researchers also found that women perceived full-bearded men to be better and more protective fathers. So there you have it. Science shaves the day once more.</p><p dir="ltr">3. <a href="http://www.quirkology.com/UK/Experiment_name.shtml">The names James, Jack and Ryan</a>. What’s in a name? A lot, it seems. Richard Wiseman conducted what he called “The Name Experiment,” which he presented at the 2008 Edinburgh International Science Festival. Wiseman surveyed more than 6,000 people in order to find out what names people in the UK most associate with success, luck and attractiveness.</p><p dir="ltr">Women found Ryan to be the most attractive name, followed by James and Jack. James was also deemed most successful, which perhaps explains why it took us so long to get over the crippling rejection of our high school boyfriend. The least attractive names were Peter, Thomas and George. For women, men found the names Sophie, Rachel and Olivia to be the babeliest, and Helen, Jane and Ann to be the least. Wiseman also points out that “Women shared strong opinions about names, whereas men are more even-handed.”</p><p dir="ltr">4. <a href="http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/208192/Roast-is-heaven-scent">Gasoline, leather, printer ink</a>. Take this “study” with a large grain of salt, or if you’re a man, a large dab of baby oil. A survey by soap company Daz involving 2,000 participants determined that British women are turned on by the smell of leather, gasoline, paint, and printer ink (?), while men are turned on by the scent of lipstick, baby lotion or a roast dinner. </p><p dir="ltr">While the erotic potential of printer ink has been thoroughly documented (PUT IT IN MY TRAY), we have no idea how the soap company supposedly came to these conclusions. It seems like, from the items mentioned, these “researchers” were just trying to get women high in a really ineffective manner. “Here, inhale some gasoline. It’s for science.”</p><p dir="ltr">5. <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=KdPnfpMf7IoC&amp;pg=PT55&amp;lpg=PT55&amp;dq=%E2%80%9Clabial+traction+as+an+instigator+of+female+orgasm,%E2%80%9D&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=5weqODtyet&amp;sig=rrnFQ-7MEpMY5DZ8ew0cu9tJUfk&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=3d2VVIe1GdH8oATQ1oG4BA&amp;ved=0CCQQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=%E2%80%9Clabial%20traction%20as%20an%20instigator%20of%20female%20orgasm%2C%E2%80%9D&amp;f=false">Not penile thrusting</a>. A 1984 study on the erotic sensitivity of the vagina, conducted by a team of Colombian researchers, paid 16 prostitutes and 32 feminists (who were unpaid) and manually stimulated their vaginal walls in a lab. Heli Alzate, a physician and professor of sexology, provided the “frictioning” to the sex workers and Mari Ladi Londoño, a psychotherapist, jerked off the feminists. Their results showed that more than three-fourths of the prostitutes had an orgasm, compared with only one in eight feminists*. </p><p dir="ltr">While this appears to be a setup for every feminist joke in existence (ending in “that’s not funny”), the researchers weren’t studying who gets off easiest. They were trying to determine whether penile thrusting is an effective way to bring about orgasm. Surprise! It’s not. Though it does appear that getting jerked off by a strange man is easier if you’re a sex worker, and hence, probably somewhat used to it.</p><p dir="ltr">* <em>Sex workers and feminists are not mutually exclusive. Many sex workers are feminists. The feminists also complained that Londoño wasn’t doing it “hard enough.”</em></p><p>6. <a href="http://www.indiebound.org/book/9780393334791">Good ‘n’ Plenty Candy</a>. As we <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/women-are-turned-what-7-weirdest-things-science-has-taught-us-about-sex">wrote previously</a>, ladies are not so keen on the smell of male cologne. According to a study from the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, men should step away from the Axe Body Spray immediately, as it repels women. Specifically: “Men’s colognes actually reduced vaginal blood flow.” Foundation director Al Hirsch came to this conclusion by placing surgical masks scented with 10 different aromas on the ladies. Hirsch then hooked them up to a vaginal photoplethysmograph to figure out what scents turned them on, and determined that women respond most to a mixture of cucumber and Good ‘n’ Plenty candy. What turned them off was cologne, the scent of cherry and “charcoal barbeque meat.” </p><p>We’d like to humbly disagree with science for a minute if we may. Ladies: if you’ve never jerked off to a slow-cooked brisket, you haven’t lived.</p><p dir="ltr">7. <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1059131103001092">Tooth-brushing</a>. A 2003 case study in Seizure found that a 41-year-old Taiwanese woman experienced orgasm once or twice a week from the mere act of brushing her teeth (followed by a mild non-convulsive seizure). Neurologists at Chang Gung Memorial Hospital were predictably baffled and performed a number of tests on the woman. First they wondered if it was the smell of toothpaste that was triggering the orgasms (It wasn’t. Probably because it wasn’t flavored like Good ‘n’ Plenty.) Then they poked her gums with chopsticks (is it getting hot in here?). Then they made her move her fist back and forth in front of her face in a “tooth-brushing motion.” (Excuse me, I’ll be back in 15 minutes).</p><p dir="ltr">It turned out that it was the “highly specific somatosensory stimulus” of tooth-brushing that did it for her (she couldn’t come from sex or masturbation). The poor woman was not delighted by these occurrences. She “believed that she was possessed by a demon and felt shame and fear.” Eventually she switched to mouthwash and called it a day.</p><p dir="ltr">As <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/9-coolest-things-about-female-sexuality?page=0%2C1">we’ve mentioned before</a>, women have been shown to be capable of orgasming from simply THINKING about it, nipple stimulation, exercising, and even giving birth! </p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2015 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1029611';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1029611"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Thu, 01 Jan 2015 12:05:00 -0800Anna Pulley, AlterNet1029611 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & RelationshipssexWomen Are Turned on By... What? 7 Weirdest Things Science Has Taught Us About Sexhttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/women-are-turned-what-7-weirdest-things-science-has-taught-us-about-sex
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1028517';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1028517"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">We found some of the most bizarre sex and relationship studies. Enjoy.</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/screen_shot_2014-12-11_at_3.52.03_pm.png?itok=zqaylABO" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">Science has made many groundbreaking discoveries through research and experimentation (and sometimes guessing and getting lucky). But sometimes we wonder how certain experiments came to be in the first place. For instance, the study that found the smell of Good ‘n’ Plenty candy increases vaginal blood flow, or the one that asked “What might be the minimal stimulus required to excite a turkey?” With that in mind, we found some of the most bizarre sex and relationship studies to share in the collective what-the-f*ckery. Enjoy.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. <a href="http://www.madsciencemuseum.com/msm/gallery/top_20_most_bizarre_experiments" target="_blank">Turkeys will mate with a head on a stick</a>.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Let’s start with the excitable turkeys. In <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/screw-your-boss-literally-12-pieces-bizarre-sex-advice-1960s" target="_blank">the far-out 1960s</a>, researchers Martin Schein and Edgar Hale of the University of Pennsylvania determined that male turkeys would try to mate with female turkeys who, well, were half the gals they used to be. Researchers started by removing from the female a wing, a tail, etc., part by part, until all that was left was a head on a stick, which the male turkey determined was still good enough to have sex with. And you thought men were unfussy when it came to sex partners! The male turkey would not, however, try to mate with the opposite setup — a turkey body with no head attached. Good to see male turkeys have at least one standard. Researchers theorized that male turkeys were neither leg nor breast men, but that they mostly cared about female turkey faces, which is kind of sweet if you forget about the rest of this barbaric study.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. <a href="http://www.indiebound.org/book/9780393334791" target="_blank">Male cologne turns women off</a>.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">One of the amazing tidbits from Mary Roach’s excellent book <em>Bonk,</em> is a study from the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, which determined that men should step away from the Drakkar Noir immediately, as it repels women. Specifically: “Men’s colognes actually reduced vaginal blood flow.” To come to this groundbreaking conclusion, foundation director Al Hirsch had women wear surgical masks scented with 10 different aromas, and then hooked them up to a vaginal photoplethysmograph to figure out what scents turned them on, if any. Hirsch also supplied unscented masks as a control just to be sure women weren’t getting aroused by the surgical masks themselves. Hirsch figured out that women aren’t so keen on cologne, and they were also turned off by the scent of cherry and “charcoal barbeque meat.” What did turn the women on was a mixture of cucumber and Good ‘n’ Plenty candy. Hirsch thought this might be because women associated the candy with “fond memories of Grandma’s back yard,” which we can all agree is the most arousing image in existence. But now we know we should all be dousing ourselves in cucumber and granny candy to attract women. Thanks, science.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7295015" target="_blank">How often does sex kill people?</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">Sex is great and all, but should we worry about getting killed while doing the deed? Sex researcher Leonard Derogatis’ aimed to find out in his 1999 study on coitus and fatal heart attacks, aptly titled “The Coital Coronary.” A team of German researchers reviewed more than 21,000 autopsy reports to conclude that sex very rarely leads to death in men. Phew! Sex caused a fatal heart attack a mere 39 times in all those reports, and “in most cases sudden death occurred during the sexual act with a prostitute.” Lest you think Leonard was prejudiced against sex workers, he also said those stats were misleading because when men die boning their spouse, they’re much less likely to get an autopsy, as opposed to when they die having sex with a stranger. He estimates 11,250 sex-related sudden deaths in the US each year, which is on par with death by food poisoning, though the latter arguably makes for a much less interesting cocktail party story.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/film/10860676/The-woman-who-lived-in-sin-with-a-dolphin.html" target="_blank">Masturbating a dolphin won’t get him to “talk.”</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">Perhaps the weirdest (and squickiest) study involved a dolphin-cohabitation experiment in the 1960s by neuroscientist John C. Lilly. Lilly thought he could teach dolphins to talk if they were around humans enough, and given the proper time and training. So he had his associate Margaret Howe live with a dolphin named Peter in a house that was partly flooded, so that Peter could swim around but Margaret wouldn’t drown. Soon, however, Peter began to “woo” Margaret, and when she didn’t respond, he became violent. Eventually they had to ship Peter off to the dolphin brothel so he would leave poor Margaret alone, but Lilly worried he would lose his training if he spent too much time with his own species, so back to Margaret he went. When Peter again tried to woo her, Margaret, fed up, gave Peter a happy ending. While “discovering” that a human could sexually satisfy a dolphin is a certain kind of uh, groundbreaking, Lilly’s study did not lead to any dolphins learning the alphabet. So he tried another approach — giving the dolphins LSD. It was around this time, unsurprisingly, that Lilly’s work began to be discredited, and he lost his funding.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=3859175" target="_blank">Was Shakira onto something with her “Hips Don’t Lie” song?</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh and University of California-Santa Barbara conducted a study on more than 16,000 women that looked at their waist-to-hip ratios, educations and intelligence scores on various cognitive tests. Why? Because they were trying to determine if there was a correlation between curves and intelligence, <em>obviously</em>. They found that women who were curvier (specifically, waists that were 70 percent of the diameter of their hips) were slightly smarter. Scientists were intrigued by the findings but said the results were too slight to warrant any little-in-the-middle-but-she-got-much-back-and-brains parades (to paraphrase their skepticism). To play devil’s advocate for a moment, Shakira is literally a genius — she has an IQ of 140, according to <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/05/shakira-iq-140-genius_n_3390658.html" target="_blank">Mensa International Reports</a>. So perhaps her hips don’t lie, actually.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>6. <a href="http://www.rochester.edu/news/show.php?id=3663" target="_blank">Men spend more money on women who wear red</a>.</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Researchers at the University of Rochester NY conducted the pressing study on how much a man would be willing to spend on a woman based on the color she was wearing. In one experiment, researchers asked: “Imagine that you are going on a date with this woman and have $100 in your wallet. How much would you be willing to spend on your date?” Men were then shown pictures of the exact same women wearing different colors. The woman in red was more likely to get a fancier date, it turned out (you win again, Jessica Rabbit!). Not only were the red-strewn ladies not going to dates at the Sizzler, men also rated women “framed by red” as significantly more attractive and desirable than those in other prudey colors. Scientists postulated that the color trigger had something to do with a throwback to our primate ancestors’ mating habits, and how female posteriors turned red when they were in heat. But we think maybe the men were fondly recalling memories of Grandma’s backyard red lawn furniture.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>7. <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/mary_roach_10_things_you_didn_t_know_about_orgasm/transcript?language=en" target="_blank">You can bring a corpse to orgasm</a>.</strong></p>Another Mary Roach gem, found in her book <em>Stiff</em> on human cadavers (and in her TED talk), is the study that found out if you stimulate the sacral nerve root of a beating-heart cadaver with an electrode, it triggers the Lazarus reflex, which is a movement in which the legally dead person will cross its arms across its chest. “Very unsettling for people working in pathology labs,” as Roach put it. Roach surmised that if a corpse can be stimulated to do the Lazarus, it could also be stimulated to orgasm. So she asked brain death expert Stephanie Mann: “Could you conceivably trigger an orgasm in a dead person?" She said, ‘Yes, if the sacral nerve is being oxygenated, you conceivably could.’ Obviously it wouldn't be as much fun for the person. But it would be an orgasm — nonetheless.” So not only can researchers make corpses do part of the macarena, they can also give dead people the time of their lives (deaths?).<p> </p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2014 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1028517';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1028517"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Thu, 11 Dec 2014 07:19:00 -0800Anna Pulley, AlterNet1028517 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipssexresearchstudies9 Most Bizarre Right-Wing Dating Siteshttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/9-most-bizarre-right-wing-dating-sites
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1027096';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1027096"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Here&#039;s how to find your Mr. or Ms. Right (Wing).</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_159893099-edited.jpg?itok=fbHqA58b" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">Are you bored with the usual dating sites? Tired of searching for Mr. or Ms. Right Wing only to find out that they don’t share your love for semi-automatic weapons, don’t take the Pentecost seriously, or don’t base their lives around the words of Ayn Rand? Well, you’re in luck. These dating sites aimed at conservatives prove that there really is something for everyone, unless you’re a “libtard,” that is. Then you’ll have to die alone in a field somewhere.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1<a href="http://www.theatlasphere.com/" target="_blank">. The Atlasphere</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">They say: “Connecting admirers of The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged.”</p><p dir="ltr">We say: Are you feeling Rand-y?</p><p dir="ltr">For those who take Ayn Rand’s words as gospel. And for those who believe in “self-reliance” above all, except when it comes to dating, we guess. THEN THEY’D LIKE SOME HELP, PLEASE.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2<a href="http://waitingtillmarriage.org/" target="_blank">. Waiting Till Marriage</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">They say: “Make it to your wedding night without dying of frustration first.”</p><p dir="ltr">We say: Alleviate your frustration easily by having sex!</p><p dir="ltr">Waiting Till Marriage is a dating site for people who are (wait for it) waiting until marriage to have sex. It’s mostly for religious folks, but does say that there are atheists who wait, too! Why would an atheist choose to not have sex until marriage? <a href="http://waitingtillmarriage.org/7-reasons-atheists-wait-until-marriage/" target="_blank">Poetry</a>, DUH. “Poetry is the heart and soul of waiting. It is the romance, the true love, the life partner; these things all sing poetry. Living a poetic life is to live for beauty itself.”</p><p dir="ltr">WE THINK YOU MAY HAVE MISINTERPRETED ALL POETRY, SIR. IT IS 95% ABOUT BONING. 5% ABOUT CLOUDS WISHING THEY WERE BONING.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3<a href="http://www.conservativedatingsite.com/" target="_blank">. Conservative Dating Site</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">They say: “We're the only website that caters exclusively to conservative singles.”</p><p dir="ltr">We say: Except for <a href="http://www.conservativesonly.com/" target="_blank">Conservatives Only</a>, <a href="http://www.republicanpeoplemeet.com/" target="_blank">RepublicanPeopleMeet</a>, <a href="http://datingrepublicans.com" target="_blank">Dating Republicans</a>, <a href="http://conservativedates.com/" target="_blank">Conservative Dates</a>, and so on.</p><p dir="ltr">Conservative Dating Site is as bland as its title, though the homepage assures us that users are equally uncreative. Notables include “StrongPatriot,” “LogicalThinker,” and “SelfActualizer.”</p><p dir="ltr">WEAK PATRIOTS NEED NOT APPLY.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4<a href="http://conservativesonly.com" target="_blank">. Conservatives Only</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">They say: “Join the lib-free dating scene.”</p><p dir="ltr">We say: “Lib-free,” perhaps, but certainly not “Glamour Shots portraits with your dog(s)” free.</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div alt="" class="media-image" height="166" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="166" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/screen_shot_2014-11-15_at_9.15.55_pm.png?itok=aRgiA9Jk" /></div><p dir="ltr">Conservatives Only is more aggressive in its dating approach, with a large font that appears to be riddled with bullet holes, and an assurance that there are no “feminazis,” “socialists,” “marxists” or “communists.” Despite being “lib-free,” it was surprisingly not “lez free,” as we found 16 conservative lesbians on the site. One Seal Beach (CA) woman-seeking-woman user’s tagline was “Help! Surrounded by libtards.”</p><p dir="ltr">WE HOPE SHE MADE IT OUT ALIVE. SEAL BEACH, CALIFORNIA IS THE LIBTARD CAPITAL OF THE UNITED STATES.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5<a href="http://datingrepublicans.com" target="_blank">. Dating Republic</a>ans </strong></p><p dir="ltr">From the front page of DatingRepublicans.com:</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div alt="" class="media-image" height="176" width="480"><img alt="" class="media-image" height="176" width="480" typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/screen_shot_2014-11-15_at_9.19.05_pm.png?itok=EVskEHn6" /></div><p dir="ltr">They say: “When you're ready to invite the Chief of Staff into your Oval Office”</p><p dir="ltr">We say: WE’RE JUST BIDEN OUR TIME, THANKS.</p><p dir="ltr">Dating Republicans takes some of the guesswork out of its incredibly vague name and url with a cartoon depiction of <a href="http://www.datingrepublicans.com/images/cartoon_elephant.gif" target="_blank">two elephants screwing</a> at the top. The “boy” elephant is enthusiastically waving an American flag while he bangs the “girl” elephant, who wears just two red high heels and has bows in her hair. There’s also a cartoon depiction of two donkeys with the words “Keep your eye on the enemy!” above them, along with a Dating Democrats url, but they are not screwing, just chillaxing. The “boy” donkey is smoking a cigar, perhaps in an homage to Clinton.</p><p dir="ltr">Here are a few “conversation starters” they suggest you try out:</p><p dir="ltr">“Wanna see my weapon of mass destruction?” “Bush may reduce troops in Iraq, but I need increased coverage on my rack.” “I'm a Republican, but I've got a thing for asses.” “I'm taking a poll. Which is worse — a bush on a woman, or Bush in the news?” And “Would you like to raise my flag and then salute it?”</p><p dir="ltr">PATRIOTIC BLOW JOBS! SEMEN ON YOUR BOOBS! I’M NOT SURE WHAT THEY’RE SAYING WITH THAT “BUSH” POLL ONE. DON’T CONSERVATIVES WANT BUSH IN THE NEWS? ISN’T THAT A GOOD THING? IT’S CONFUSING. NOOO, NOW MY FLAG IS LAGGING. BE THE EAGLE THAT PROVIDES THE WIND BENEATH MY SEMI!</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>6<a href="http://www.amishdating.com/" target="_blank">. Amish Dating</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">They say: “At Amish Dating, you will encounter simple Amish singles that are suitable living without the conveniences of modern day technology.”</p><p dir="ltr">We say: Churning butter by hand is hard, but dating is harder!</p><p dir="ltr">APPARENTLY THE INTERNET DOESN’T COUNT AS MODERN DAY TECHNOLOGY.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>7<a href="http://www.pentecostalmatch.com/" target="_blank">. Pentecostal Match</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">They say: “The #1 spirit-filled singles site”</p><p dir="ltr">We say: That’s the spirit!</p><p dir="ltr">The best part about this website is all the stock photos of people throwing up their hands as if to say “WE DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE DOING HERE.”</p><p dir="ltr">WE ALSO ENJOY THE PHOTO OF THE <a href="http://www.pentecostalmatch.com/newAboutUs.asp" target="_blank">LADY</a> ON ALMOST EVERY PAGE (ALSO THROWING HER HANDS UP) WHO IS BRANDISHED WITH A TORSO DISCLAIMER THAT SAYS “IMAGE OF MODEL ** NOT ACTUAL MEMBER **.” WE WONDER HOW MANY PEOPLE ASKED IF THEY COULD DATE THAT MODEL BEFORE THEY PUT THE DISCLAIMER UP.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>8<a href="http://farmersonly.com" target="_blank">. Farmers Only</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">They say: “You don’t have to be lonely, thanks to Farmers Only.”</p><p dir="ltr">We say: IF YOU’VE GOT THE RHYME, WE’VE GOT THE TIME!</p><p dir="ltr">Farmers Only makes a point of acknowledging the “traditional values” of farmers with a page titled Christian Dating, which says: “Those values that are cherished by Christians are often synonymous with those who toil the land to produce an honest day's work, and those who enjoy watching the sun set in a countryside setting.”</p><p>ATHEISTS CAN’T ENJOY A FUCKING SUNSET.</p><p><strong><a href="http://www.gunloverspassions.com/" target="_blank">9. Gun Lovers Passions</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">They say: “Like to shoot stuff?”</p><p dir="ltr">We say: Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame!</p><p dir="ltr">An “online dating site specifically for gun owners, gun lovers &amp; 2nd Amendment advocates. Use the 'Gun Groups' to find others who share the same interests as you, whether that be hunting, target practice or skeet shooting.”</p><p dir="ltr">MY HEART IS A SKEET SHOOTER.</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2014 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1027096';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1027096"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Thu, 13 Nov 2014 12:14:00 -0800Anna Pulley, AlterNet1027096 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipsconservativedating siteloverelationshipsScrew Your Boss, Literally: 12 Pieces of Bizarre Sex Advice from the 1960shttps://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/screw-your-boss-literally-12-pieces-bizarre-sex-advice-1960s
<!-- iCopyright Horizontal Tag -->
<div class="icopyright-article-tools-horizontal icopyright-article-tools-right">
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_content_id = '1026009';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/horz-toolbar.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a class="icopyright-article-tools-noscript"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1026009"
target="_blank"
title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>
Click here for reuse options!
</a>
</noscript>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;"></div><!-- iCopyright Tag -->
<!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-teaser field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Our favorite pearls of wisdom from the likes of vintage Playboy, Cosmo editor Helen Gurley Brown, and more.
</div></div></div><!-- All divs have been put onto one line because of whitespace issues when rendered inline in browsers -->
<div class="field field-name-field-story-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.alternet.org/sites/default/files/styles/story_image/public/story_images/shutterstock_63346780-editing.jpg?itok=Vc9EA7wt" /></div></div></div><!-- BODY -->
<!--smart_paging_autop_filter--> <p dir="ltr">The 1960s were revolutionary. Counterculture boomed, the gay rights movement was born, civil rights made momentous strides (the Civil Rights and Voting Rights acts were passed), and hippies helped spread a message of free love throughout the nation. But even though the counterculture movement was progressive, that didn’t mean the mainstream wasn’t doing its best to spew regressive sex and dating advice to the masses. Below are some of our favorite pearls of wisdom from the likes of vintage Playboy, Cosmo editor Helen Gurley Brown, and more.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>1. <a href="http://www.librarything.com/work/1179636/book/6405093" target="_blank">Be Sexy, but Not the Sexiest, and Look Exactly Like Everyone Else</a></strong></p><p>There are many amazing things about Ellen Peck’s 1969 book, <em>How to Get a Teen-age Boy and What to do With Him When You Get Him</em>. The first is the title. The second is that an adult lady wrote an entire book on seducing teenage boys. The third is the advice itself. Here’s What Ms. Peck has to say about what to wear to a party in order to seduce a teenage boy, otherwise known as: You better wear a f*cking tunic!</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr">“Wear pretty much what the other girls are wearing. If they’re wearing tunics, you wear a tunic. But look slightly sexier than most of the girls. Now hear this. This does not mean low, low necklines, long, long, lashes, body jewels, and beauty marks. This ‘sudden starlet’ bit won’t work; you’ll just end up looking like you belong somewhere else. Don’t be the sexiest girl there.”</p></blockquote><p dir="ltr">Ms. Peck does advise girls to be the “second sexiest” girl at the party:</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr">“Looking second sexiest gives you a couple of advantages. Especially over the girl who looks sexiest. That girl (Irene) is going to look slightly out of place. She’s going to make the boys feel slightly self-conscious about approaching her. Oh, they’re turned on by the way she looks, all right. But a guy looks at Irene and knows if he picks tonight to make-out with her, he’s going to go through a lot of ribbing all next week!”</p></blockquote><p dir="ltr">To ensure you look second sexiest, consider making half of your face look like the Joker’s, responding to every fourth question in a made-up language, or combining flirtatious banter with sudden choreographic bursts of <em>West Side Story</em>dance numbers. Irene will never see it coming. And neither will <a href="http://www.alternet.org/7-pieces-sex-etiquette-roaring-20s?page=0%2C1" target="_blank">Lenora Quakenbush</a>.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>2. <a href="http://selvedgeyard.com/2009/05/18/vintage-playboys-language-of-legs-the-stuff-of-male-sexual-delusions/" target="_blank">Playboy Gives Men a Leg Up</a></strong></p><p>It’s not surprising that 1960s Playboy magazine paid a lot of attention to women’s legs. We just didn’t expect them to create an entire pathology based on whether her shoe is dangling while she sits. And yet:</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr">“Thanks to a unique study by clinical psychologist John A. Blazer, what was only a pleasant pastime is also a useful science. How a girl disposes her legs when seated can instantly signal your most effective approach. … According to Dr. Blazer, if [<a href="http://theselvedgeyard.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/playboy-magazine-language-of-legs-schemer.jpg?w=700&amp;h=874" target="_blank">The Schemer</a>] dangles one shoe, she’s a delightfully incurable flirt, a veritable study in come-hitherness. But keep cool — the girl doesn’t always intend to deliver. <a href="http://theselvedgeyard.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/vintage-playboy-magazine-language-of-legs-philanthropist.jpg?w=700&amp;h=874" target="_blank">The Philanthropist</a> [i.e., knees are four inches apart], however, digs talking and reading about sex and is apt to seek numerous love affairs, as she prefers constant sexual excitement.”</p></blockquote><p dir="ltr">This reminds us of advice from <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/18-hilariously-bad-sex-tips-men" target="_blank">Men’s Health that suggested</a> men count the number of times a woman blinks to determine whether she’s into you (or on the pill, we can’t remember because neither made sense). We guess the shoe doesn’t fall far from the come-hither tree. So how does one snag the Schemer, aka the “incurable flirt”?</p><p dir="ltr">“Gently challenge her to a game of gin rummy and manage to lose — you’ll win the bigger game.”</p><p dir="ltr">The bigger game is Going Home Alone.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>3. <a href="http://www.missabigail.com/advice/petting-sex-advice/2010/08/party-out-of-bounds/" target="_blank">Excessive Drinking at a Party? How About a Scavenger Hunt?</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">“Sometimes you’re at a party that has gotten out of hand,” warns the 1967 book, <em>Party Out of Bounds</em>. “Perhaps there is drinking that you had not anticipated. Maybe it has turned into a petting session. Some teen-agers are disgusted, because parties so often turn into unpleasant situations.”</p><p dir="ltr">If there are two things teenagers hate, it’s drinking and groping. How can we stop it?</p><p dir="ltr">“Usually parties get out of bounds because of insufficient planning. If the activities and games are planned for a party, it is unlikely that it will degenerate.”</p><p dir="ltr">Hm, we did notice that the second we stop playing Boggle, Sally reaches for the bottle. So what do you suggest?</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr">“Try to get some activity started to pull the party back in line. Suggest one that would be fun — really fun — to absorb the guests. Perhaps a game of charades will liven things up....How about a spur-of-the-moment scavenger hunt? Or maybe everyone would like to go out to the kitchen and make hamburgers or popcorn balls.”</p></blockquote><p dir="ltr">Thanks Dad, we’d love to get our hands on some balls. Oh. Wait.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>4. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=094Y63BmXZ4" target="_blank">Naked Lips Are a Cardinal Sin</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">This vintage <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=094Y63BmXZ4">makeup tutorial video</a> is great, if you like being belittled and condescended to in regard to your face. And who doesn’t? In it, women learn that no amount of eye makeup will save you if you’re staying up late (like a trollop!), and that only girls with black hair can pull off black eyeliner, but we’re partial to the lipstick infraction most: “If you prefer not to wear a lipstick, do wear a lip gloss.” If you prefer neither, <em>too bad</em>, because the eyes may be the window to the soul, but the lips are the fire escape to Don’t Be A Hideous Troll Monster.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>5. <a href="http://www.glamour.com/weddings/blogs/save-the-date/2010/01/how-to-be-a-good-wife-accordin" target="_blank">Be Fresh Looking</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">Speaking of your naturally horrendous face, you should be touching that shit up constantly, as the book <em>Veiled Remarks: A Curious Compendium for the Nuptially Inclined</em> points out.</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr">“Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. His boring day may need a lift.”</p></blockquote><p dir="ltr">Marriage is a gift, ladies! Prove it by wrapping that shit up like a present with a ribbon.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>A Ribbon and Dinner, That Is</strong></p><p dir="ltr">In addition to lipstick, you should also have a hot meal ready when your husband comes home, even if that means preparing it the night before. Apparently they don’t realize the importance of sleep, like the makeup tutorials. Also from <em>Veiled Remarks</em>:</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr">“Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal—on time. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.”</p></blockquote><p dir="ltr"><strong>6. <a href="http://www.missabigail.com/advice/marriage-family/2010/08/cooking-for-two/" target="_blank">If You Don’t Learn to Cook, You Will Kill Your Husband and Yourself</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">Lest you still not be convinced of the direness that is learning to cook, the 1965 book, <em>Cooking for Two</em>, should set you straight:</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr">“THE HONEYMOON IS OVER; the die is cast. You and you only stand between your husband’s and your own starvation. Either you surrender to the can-opener method of cooking, to allow you more time at the beauty parlor, or you make up your mind to follow a more rewarding path.”</p></blockquote><p dir="ltr">And what does that rewarding path involve? Floating flowers, colorful napkins, and symbols invoking imprisonment:</p><p dir="ltr">“There should be some special touch — a single flower floating in a glass saucer, a colorful napkin tied in a knot, a pretty china figurine — just to remind your husband how lucky he is to have ‘caught’ you.”</p><p dir="ltr">Following that solid advice is this worthless recipe for frozen Brussel sprouts: “Cook Brussel sprouts according to package directions. Drain, toss lightly with butter and salt and pepper.”</p><p dir="ltr">You seriously made us leave the beauty parlor for that?</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>7. <a href="http://anndouglas.hubpages.com/hub/pregnancybooks" target="_blank">Pregnancy Tips (Or, Don’t Listen to Moms)</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">"Once your friends and relatives become aware of the fact that you are pregnant, you will be the recipient of all sorts of advice and suggestions from them,” writes Frederick H. Goodrich in <em>Preparing for Childbirth: A Manual for Expectant Parents</em>. “While this advice will be offered with the best of intentions and from the kindliest of motives, pay no attention to it at all. No matter how many babies your Aunt Minnie had, this has no bearing on you nor does it establish her as an authority. It is often difficult not to listen, but you should politely indicate that you get your advice from your doctor. Listening to the horrendous tales of your friends' obstetrical experiences is apt to be an upsetting pastime."</p><p dir="ltr">What do women who have given birth a bunch of times know about pregnancy, anyway? Better listen to the male doctors urging pregnant women to smoke cigarettes. </p><p dir="ltr"><strong>8. <a href="http://anndouglas.hubpages.com/hub/pregnancybooks" target="_blank">Won’t Someone Think of the Husbands?</a></strong></p><p dir="ltr">Sure, you may be busy preparing to birth a child and all, but that doesn’t mean you should neglect your precious husband’s laundry, as Marcia Morton reminds us in <em>Pregnancy Notebook: A Month-by-Month Guide Covering All Those Non-Medical Things the Doctor Doesn't Tell You</em>. "Just make sure that, from now on, he always has a sufficient supply of clean laundry to see him through your absence. And if he's going to be home alone, stock the larder now with the kinds of foods he's able to manage."</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>9. Screw Your Boss, Literally</strong></p><p dir="ltr">The late Helen Gurley Brown, the editor who made <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/what-happened-when-i-tried-cosmos-28-lesbian-sex-tips" target="_blank">Cosmo</a> what it is <a href="http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/15-most-unbelievably-absurd-sex-tips" target="_blank">today</a>, also wrote a book called <a href="http://books.google.com/books?id=vUUVtLhwNMgC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=sex+and+the+single+girl&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=LWRBVLy-NNXfoASc6YKwCQ&amp;ved=0CB8Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=sex%20and%20the%20single%20girl&amp;f=false" target="_blank">Sex and the Single Girl</a>, espousing all the advice single girls might need to make it as midcentury women. Perhaps predictably, a lot of makeup was involved, as well as the occasional affair with a married man. Here are a few of our favorite tidbits from the book Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner recommended all of his female cast members read. </p><p dir="ltr">HGB notes that seducing a beau at the workplace is a “marvelous time to sink into a man.” And while she writes that sleeping with the boss to get a head is “precarious,” she does think it’s good for a woman’s work ethic:</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr">“A girl in love with her boss will knock herself out seven days a week and wish there were more days. Tough on her but fabulous for business!”</p></blockquote><p dir="ltr"><strong>10. Eat Your Heart Out (But Not Too Much!)</strong></p><p dir="ltr">Like other advice of the day, HGB was an advocate for the whole “way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” line of thought, and devotes 13 pages of recipes the single gal should have at her disposal (some of which are seven or eight course-dinners!). However, the gals themselves should avoid eating too much lest they appear piggish, or you know, too much like those wacky people who require edible sustenance to survive. On entertaining guests, she writes:</p><blockquote><p dir="ltr">"What you feed him and them bears no resemblance to what you should be feeding you when they aren’t around—to keep you sexy, vibrant and unmorose about being single.”</p></blockquote><p dir="ltr"><strong>11. “Entertaining” a Married Man</strong></p><p dir="ltr">“Are married men off limits?” asks HGB. “Not always.” While she cautions single gals not to make married men a habit or to have many expectations, she does think that boning a married dude is a kind of rite of passage: Married men “have a definite place in the life of a single woman—as friends and confidants, occasionally as dates and once in a great while as lovers (if they live thousands of miles from you and promise only to visit once or twice a year!)” </p><p dir="ltr">Yeah girl, get that long-distance booty call. Then you only have to “look fresh” twice a year, and you can eat all the Velveeta you want in peace.</p><p dir="ltr"><strong>12. Hot Girls Are Overrated</strong></p><p dir="ltr">While there are many things a single gal needs to succeed, according to Brown, one that’s overrated is “great beauty.” You don’t need to be Beyonce in order to snare a man: “What you do have to do is work with the raw material you have, namely you, and never let up.”</p><p dir="ltr">That’s pretty solid advice, actually. But then she kind of “Mean Girls” it by noting that banging hot girls can be, well, like Saran Wrap.</p><p>“[P]lumbing the depths of a raving beauty may be like plumbing the depths of Saran Wrap.”</p><p>Plumbing the depths of Saran Wrap curiously sounds like something modern-day Cosmo would suggest its readers try, does it not?</p> <!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var icx_publication_id = 18566;
var icx_copyright_notice = '2014 Alternet';
var icx_content_id = '1026009';
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://license.icopyright.net/rights/js/copyright-notice.js"></script>
<noscript>
<a style="color: #336699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"
href="http://license.icopyright.net/3.18566?icx_id=1026009"
target="_blank" title="Main menu of all reuse options">
<img height="25" width="27" border="0" align="bottom"
alt="[Reuse options]"
src="http://http://license.icopyright.net/images/icopy-w.png"/>Click here for reuse options!</a>
</noscript>
<!-- iCopyright Interactive Copyright Notice -->
Wed, 05 Nov 2014 08:23:00 -0800Anna Pulley, AlterNet1026009 at https://www.alternet.orgSex & RelationshipsSex & Relationshipssexdatingadvice1960sHelen Gurley Brown