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Thursday, 15 October 2009

The Long Road

I keep saying that moving into a flat where I live alone and being long-term single has been the best thing I have ever done, but in all fairness to past flatmates and cohabitants, girl- and boyfriends, I have mostly become alittle better with each change to my life, be it a move or a new person. And every time it has seemed that this was really good for me and such a major difference compared to what came before.

There was alot of things that came before, that slowly worked in me and finally imploded. Other people involved got a delayed reaction about the same time I did. It was easy with short hindsight to blame other circumstances, people, events, actions for what happened but I think the main cause came further in the past; simply because of the simultaneousness of our - identical - reaction. Also alot of my decline was not really observed and seen because of my "fluffy" art year where not much was achieved except some crafting skills - I was hidden and unobserved there, spiraling ever down, and when I came away it was easy to blame other things, the changes, the new people in my life. Belayed apologies.

Today I am at my best so far. With every big change (new relationship, new job, big house move) the observation have been made that now I am finally well - yet the same thing is said - by me, by others - the next time. I think I am still getting better. Observing I think others have made a speedier recovery but I know how well I pretend myself, so I should give them the benefit of the doubt - they might be in the same situation. Day by day. This week was better than the same week last month. What a difference to last year. But still a ways to go.

I see ways in which I have become worse the past year and a half too. My self confidence has moved back ten or twelve years in many respects - which makes me more shy and reserved. At the same time I know I am good at things and I respect my own skills. So it is mostly a social matter, and more based in genuine shyness than irrational fear. So still an improvement.

Still something I wish I could get over.

To hell with it.

Complete honesty:

Five years ago I was still making friends, getting to know people, meeting new people. That has become more and more rare, to the point where I am now refusing or at least making excuses, avoiding, to meet what could/should be fairly good friends because I think they cannot possibly like me IRL.

I promise not to delete this post or any paragraph in it no matter how much I might regret being that honest in five minutes time. It is needed.