OK. O-Kay! You fucking win, wingnuts. You win. Your crushingly lousy comedy finally convinced me of the error of my ways. I’m wrong. I’m so incredibly wrong. And you’re right. Thank you for showing me the light, David Zucker. Everything I believe is a sham, and everything y’all believe is on the money. Gays are dick-sucking losers. All lesbians look like fat men with facial hair. African-Americans are still whining about slavery. Liberals never bathe. We’re all fat, just like Michael Moore. We’ve all been indoctrinated by Hippy College professors still stuck in the Age of Aquarius. We’re all big pussies — if we were running the country during World War II, we’d have let Hitler steam roll us into oblivion (oh, wait: We were running the country, weren’t we?). We’ve been misappropriating the words of JFK for decades; of course, he was a war-monger. We apologize for suggesting otherwise. And yes: We’re sorry for advocating the eradication of the U.S. military. That’s what we’re all about, you know. We want the terrorist to win. Uncontested. It’s because we hate our country. No. Really. The reason why we abuse our First Amendment rights is because we hate freedom. Fuck freedom, man. Survival rights are more important than Constitutional rights. Give me liberty or give me death! Pfffft. Patrick Henry was a homo.

You’re so right about us peaceniks, Zucker. We’re all a bunch of sissies. Fucking girly-men. I give up. Here’s my peace sign: V. And here’s my tongue, which fits so comfortably between it.

Lick. My. Clit.

How’s that for the abuse of the First Amendment, douchebag?

You know what the difference between one of Michael Moore’s terrorist-loving documentaries and your so-called conservative comedy? Moore may be a smug prick, but he doesn’t assume his audience of liberal elites are as dumb as Zucker believes his audience of middle-American, gun-toting rednecks must be. You know what we learned at our lousy elite institutions of education? Nuance, motherfucker (not that I’m utilizing it here). Zucker’s film is about as subtle as rape (kit sold separately). And it’s about as funny as AIDS, which is something all liberals have because we’re all terrorist loving-sodomites who promote contraception but never use it. And I want you inside me, Zucker. So I can infect you, you bitch.

To call An American Carol an atrocity is a disservice to Godly mass murder at Bethshemesh. But Zucker doesn’t care. In fact, he’s not trying to draw in an audience with a competent or funny movie, because An American Carol is not one. He’s trying to appeal to the patriotism of the lunatic fringe. I kid you not. In fact, a reader (Resa) sent me an email last week that she was sent as part of An American Carol’s marketing strategy, stating: “Will the pro-American, pro-military, and pro-faith movie AN AMERICAN CAROL beat Bill Maher’s anti-Christian RELIGULOUS or Oliver Stone’s anti-conservative W. in theaters? … If you love America, support her men and women in uniform, and want to join like-minded people at the theater for some fun … Then buy a ticket for AN AMERICAN CAROL.

That’s right. If you buy a ticket to An American Carol, you’re supporting our men and women in uniform, who are fighting to protect the country from terrorists. Terrorists like Michael Moore. And that’s the one overriding message of the film: There’s no honesty in the liberal ideology; we don’t believe in tolerance, gun control, and higher education for any other reason than because we hate freedom. It’s that simplistic. And the wingnuts hate homosexuals, the environment, and peace because it gets in the way of their freedom. That’s the take home, y’all.

And worst of all, An American Carol isn’t even funny. It’s not a parody. Or a spoof. Or really even a comedy. It’s just a series of radical right talking points delivered by a smattering of radical right celebrities like Jon Voight, Kelsey Grammar, Dennis Hopper, James Woods and, yes, Bill O’Reilly, all wrapped around a ridiculous Charles Dickens plot, though they even fuck that up. Kevin Farley plays Michael Malone, an obvious Michael Moore caricature, who is organizing a protest to abolish the Fourth of July (because, obviously, Moore hates BBQs). At the same time, Malone is unwittingly putting together a Islamo-fascist feature film, which will double as a training video for Al-Qaida — the one concession that Zucker seems to be making toward liberals is that we don’t intentionally work with the terrorists, it’s just that our ideology plays into their hands and we’re too stupid to realize it. However, before Malone takes the stage at his Abolish Independence Day protest, he’s visited by three past leaders, JFK, General Patton (Grammar), and George Washington (Jon Voight), all of whom literally bitch-slap Malone and chastise him for having beliefs that differ from theirs until he ultimately concedes that the ACLU are zombies, that negotiating with foreign countries is an inferior strategy to brute force, that racial profiling and torture are acceptable, and that liberalism will ultimately lead to a United States of Al-Qaida.

But aside from the fact that An American Carol is no fucking good, it does an incredible disservice to conservative thought. At least from a liberal’s perspective, it unwittingly paints Republicans in as bad a light as liberals; they are, according to Zucker, war-loving, education-hating, simple-minded dolts who solve all their problems with shotguns. By demonstrating the excesses of the left, An American Carol unintentionally presents the radical excesses of the right. Indeed, An American Carol is the sort of movie that not only lacks entertainment value, it’s so hard right that it’d make Rush Limbaugh blush. Or maybe I’m giving too much credit to Limbaugh. Maybe O’Reilly, Limbaugh, Hannity, Zucker, et. al, do believe there is no nuance in politics, that it’s all black and white, we’re evil, they’re good.

But hey! At least there is some common ground here, one thing that we all can agree upon, no matter our ideology. And that’s that An American Carol is relentlessly unfunny, no goddamn good and that David Zucker, for all his efforts, hasn’t made a decent movie in 24 years.

But you know what? It’s just like the conservatives — when confronted with the fact that there movie sucks, and that no one wants to see it — to blame it on the liberals running the theaters. It’s just “another communist tactic, inspired by ‘Chairman’ Obama.”

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives withi his wife and son in Portland, Maine You can reach him via email, or leave a comment below.