To Myself

To Myself

As part of a recovery program that I work on a daily basis, in the beginning I wrote this amends letter to myself. I am laying myself bare for all those out there to see. Please be kind with comments.

Dear Self,

I am sorry for all the things I’ve done throughout the years that have injured you. I am sorry for the hurtful things I’ve said to you and the way that I have mistreated your body and soul.

I am sorry for all the “not good enoughs”, the “not pretty enoughs”, and the “not skinny enoughs”. I am sorry for all the late nights and empty one night stands. I am sorry for the constant pain inflicted on you because I thought you needed it.

Dear Self, I am sorry for the destructive self-talk, self-loathing, and all the mean things that I have ever said to you because I was so scared that you weren’t enough. I am sorry for the bullying and not trusting that the Universe made a perfect you from the very beginning.

Dear Self I am sorry for the crash diets, constant worrying, excessive fitness and all the physical pain that I put your body through to change it. I’m sorry for the surgeries that I convinced you were required so that you would be loved. What an untruth.

I am sorry for making you cry because I was so disgusted with you, and I’m sorry for the slow death I put you through. I’m sorry for all the days of crazy when all I would have you do is look in the mirror and tell yourself over and over again how much I hated you. Only to drop to your knees and beg again to be relieved from this pain.

Dear Self, I am sorry for not appreciating your talents and your creativity and your humor and your laughter. Why did I want to get rid of all of these devine talents? You were born beautiful and funny and talented. I’m sorry for all the ways I manipulated you into denying your true nature.

I’m mostly sorry for robbing you of your self-worth while making you feel like nobody really loved you and the only solution was cutting yourself off from the world; because I wanted you to believe that if people knew you, if they really knew you inside, they wouldn’t love you at all.

And the fact of the matter is, is that you are lovable and you are perfect inside and you’re pretty enough and smart enough and worthy of all the beautiful things in life that the Universe has in store for you.

You ARE magnificent; you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in a very long time. And it is so good to see you again.