This is a daily account of my ups and downs, my experimentation on helping control my condition, and I hope that it helps put this problem into perspective. If you are bipolar, you are not crazy, and you are not alone. Currently I am not on prescription medicine because of the adverse side effects, so I am trying to change my lifestyle and habits, and hopefully one day I can effectively control my condition.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Struggling with everything...

I am mid-anxiety attack right now, and it is hard to breathe. My heart feels like it is going to explode! My kids have the week off from school and I feel like everything is a battle. It hurts, both physically and mentally. All I want is a clean home! I ask everyone to pitch in and it is a constant battle until I break. I hate it. I shouldn't have to clean up after all of the inhabitants of my home, right?

They are very messy. Messier than they think, and I struggle everyday to clean up, just to wake up to a disaster the next morning. I'm really trying. They don't think they should have to clean unless someone is coming over. Really??

I came from a house, where if everything wasn't put back in its place by morning, my grandmother was livid! It was stressful to make sure that I didn't make a mess, or at least cleaned up everything before I went to bed. I didn't want my kids to have that kind of stress, but come on, they don't clean up anything! I wake up to wrappers and bottles all over, half empty cups, bowls, plates, you name it, everywhere!

I just want to cry! I can't handle having a messy home, one where I would be embarrassed to have anyone see! Clutter and mess depresses me and fighting with them about it causes anxiety. I feel nauseated and weak. This is not a feeling that I relish. Lack of organization is one of my triggers. I love things to be clean and organized. Sometimes I feel like that is unattainable...

I've found that try to make the people around you do what you would like them to do is exhausting and not useful so I've stopped trying to change them and I can do one of 2 things, make what I like by myself or just stop being so demanding and do it for myself or just quit trying to be so perfect.