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Still Laughing at Mark Burns’ April Fool

Dear Bay Weekly:

I just read Mark Burn’s Maritime Republic of Eastport Olympics story (April 1). I shouldn’t be laughing so much at work; it’s not like I work in Eastport, after all!

In this era of incivility and anger, we all need a wee bit more whimsy and droll humor to balance the scales.

That is what MRE provides, and your story matched its tone perfectly.

Thanks for the laughs, and I can’t wait for the sock-burning torch to be lit!

Preparation H Terrorist, Foiled

Dear Bay Weekly:

The bizarre smoking incident by a Qatari diplomat on board a recent United Airlines flight that resulted in the scrambling of two F-16 fighter jets raises the question of why cigarette lighters should be allowed as carry-on luggage since smoking is banned on U.S. airlines. Lighters were once on the prohibited list, but not now. I urge the Transportation Security Agency to place lighters back on the prohibited list.

During a recent flight check-in, I had a tube of Preparation H with about two remaining applications in it removed from my briefcase. On my next flight, I purposely placed a full cigarette lighter in my briefcase, and it sailed through check-in. I can think of at least a dozen ways to cause havoc aboard an airplane with cigarette lighters, but I’m puzzled as to how to cause havoc with a very small amount of Preparation H.

John O’ Hara, Bowie

Editor’s note: Mr. O’Hara is President of the Maryland Group Against Smoker’s Pollution

Incensed at Chuck Shepherd

I’ve enjoyed your column [News of the Weird] in Bay Weekly for almost a decade. Although you usually like to make fun of the police and criminals, I can easily look past that while having a good laugh. I’ve always just dismissed it as a left bias, which most in your profession have.

In your April 4 piece entitled More Texas Justice, you indicate that two criminals were sentenced to long prison sentences for “small amounts of drugs.” Are you aware that 4.6 ounces of marijuana comes to over 100 grams? The average dime bag weighing between one and two grams, that amount would serve a great many people.

I don’t know your drug of choice, so maybe you are not aware that 1.3 grams of crack would make at least 13 individual baggies, which any crackhead would rob, steal and assault to get.

Nonetheless, you joyfully (I’m sure) forgot to add in the records of these drug dealers and any victim or witness statements from their trials that would impact their penalties and once again portray Texas as an unreasonable, jail-happy jurisdiction.

Truth is, if more places like D.C. were like Texas, maybe you wouldn’t have to lock your doors at night. Maybe you should rename this article Poor, Poor Drug Thugs.

In any case, I’ll stop reading your column and Bay Weekly and stop patronizing the advertisers that pay into the free publication. You should consider your point of view and stop slanting your articles for fear of who might believe and further your legalization agenda.

P.S. I’ve sent this letter to Mr. Shepherd. If he responds favorably, I will continue to read your publication.

Carl Holmberg, by email

GM’s grumpy reply: Pity, but it sounds more like you wish us  or Chuck Shepherd, an award-winning, syndicated writer  to slant our articles to suit your tastes in fear that you might otherwise stop reading them. I am surprised, however, that it took you 10 years of reading Bay Weekly to pick up on our “left bias” and determine that we’re a bunch of commie-pinko, doped-out tree-huggers. At least you won’t know which advertisers not to support now that you no longer read the paper.