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Weasels of the month

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Had a tooth out two months ago. Dentist was a cute 20-something italian lady. She made a complete hash of it, clearly wasnt skilful or strong enough to pull the fucker out. After 20mins faffing about the drugs were wearing off while she huffed and puffed and inflicted untold agony on the patient. She kept stopping, asking if I was OK, to which I answered just get on with it while enduring unending pain. The tooth shattered and she started to panic. I told her to calm down and finally she managed to extract the fucker. The tooth out, blood pouring from my gob, she left the surgery saying she needed a drink. The nurse said she'd never seen anything like it. This, comrades, is the NHS. It must die, it must die.

I had one of my front teeth missing so the dentist decided a permanent solution was needed. That meant using a chisle on the healthy teeth at either side of the gap, sticking a sharp scraper into the nerve and repeating this for a couple of hours. The 6 anaesthetics he gave me did nothing for the pain (mainly because they were put nowhere near the affected teeth). I cried a lot.

When I was a kid, I went to the dentist and he decided my mouth was too overcrowded with teeth, so he took 4 of them out. Unfortunately for me, the dentist only gave me a local anaesthetic for two of the teeth. I was screaming with pain. The dentist told me to 'shut up and stop fussing'. Who was the dentist? My dad.

I'm with whitemaninhammersmithpalais poster on this. I got a splinter in my finger which went septic. Cue a trip to A&E to confirm that I had blood poisoning and that it needed be removed asap. I can fully confirm that local anaesthetic is in a fact a myth, as I found out as the young lady doctor rooted round in my finger with what felt like blunt Stanley knife with blood spurting everywhere. This was then followed by a week of antibioitics which looked like something a horse would have shoved up its bum. A week later the dressing was taken off to reveal my finger twice the size and bright purple.

Although curlywurly is right a q-tip should not go in there it wasn't the worst. Dawny seems to have enjoyed her colonoscopy more than I did but then mine was immediately followed by a barium enema during which they put so much barium up my tailpipe I was vomiting it out later in the day. The most painful was the removal of a threaded pin that was screwed through my shin. It was supposed to be screwed in 5 turns so that the removal was 5 reverse turns & then pull. It was screwed in an extra couple of turns. It was unscrewed & pulled then unscrewed some more & actually removed. I'd had half a Valium over three hours beforehand.

A frenuloplasty. Or repair to the banjo for the uninitiated. The anaesthetic was very local. As the Irish surgeon put the needle in, he said, "you may feel a little prick." I'd planned to sing Moon River in homage to Fletch, but could only rustle up a series of expletives instead.

A colonoscopy. I had foregone the usual sedation as I thought I might get off on it. It was horrific as I had forgotten to take the complete Drain-O stuff that cleans out the bowel. How we all laughed.