Forget "Sex and the City". Welcome to "Booze and the Valley"! DISCLAIMER: No names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Friday, August 14, 2009

How NOT to spend your birthday

It's that time of year, again. Time to get older. Time to look back on the past year and reflect. Time to look forward to the year ahead. I'm only 34. Not much of a milestone. Next year, however, if I don't accomplish something and feel like I'm living like a real adult, I will be very bummed. People think I look around 27. I think I act like I'm 21 and feel like I'm 54.

I thought I'd treat myself to a nice present. I was going to run around town and change my married last name to my maiden name. It took us 2 years to get divorced, so who cares if it's taken over 6 months to change my last name? Pain in the ass to change your name. It started and ended at a long DMV line. I saw a woman walk into the building, and immediately walk out. A lot of people do that when they see the line. She however, had forgotten her sleeping toddler in her car. I'm sure if it wasn't 90 degrees with 85% humidity, the kid would've survived.

A man eventually came around to ask us why we were in line, to make sure we were in the right line, or to put the lucky ones in a shorter line. "I'm changing my last name." "Did you get married?" he asked. *sigh* Do I tell him "No, the sex change was a success" or "No, I want to make my stripper name legal"? "Divorce" I replied. He asked if I had the stamped paperwork. Paperwork, yes. Stamped? Notarized? Huh? A little while later another woman came around to ask why we were in line. She however was smart enough NOT to ask any questions. I showed her my paperwork, and indeed it was not correct. But I could stay in line and they would help me figure out what I need. Awesome.

The sleeping toddler ahead of me was now awake, and generously expressing everyone's distaste and impatience for the DMV. A girl walked in, and said "I just want to change my name. I have to stand in this line?" The guy behind me was nice enough to answer. "Yep! They've already come around twice to make sure we were in the right line." And in my head I screamed, "YOU'RE WELCOME." So the answer was: "This is just like a receipt. Saying you did it." Yeeaah....so take it!! Nope. Not good enough. So why the hell did the state of Illinois not just give us the notarized paperwork after it was finalized? As if on cue, the toddler acted out my disdain for this man and his bad news.

So, then I did what I always do when the going gets tough: shopping. Mistake #2. I ate a lot a lot of take out Chinese Sunday and Monday due to my school disappointment, and I'm pretty sure the junk I've eaten since then has gone straight to my gut. I needed a sassy new birthday shirt for tonight! One that hasn't been seen and photographed and published on facebook! No go.

Mistake #3: go to WalMart on a Friday afternoon. Apparently half the town took the day off for my birthday. I had just waited in another long line at DQ for a slushie, and realized I couldn't leave it in the car. I was on the phone with Marcy (who also stayed home for today's holiday) and told her "I'm bringing in this slushie. I swear to God, if the elderly greeter tells me I can't bring it into the store, I WILL bodycheck them." Turns out, God was listening. The greeter was in a wheelchair, and even though it was motorized, I was still able to outrun the old bag. It's freakin' HOT today! I wanted my slushie, a new fan, and my old last name back! Is that too much to ask?

I remember when I was waiting in line to get my Learners for a drivers license. This little 3 or 4 year old was in their mothers arms just looking at me and as I turn away she goes "Mummy. Why does that man have such long hair?" :P Awwww kids... get them away from me.

Hey birthdays and getting older can be fun! More candles! (More fire) I think I've already mentioned my tale of my 710 candles (Bulk ordered from Canada by a 14 year old) on my 5 birthday cakes all because of the story of how the tax department got my birth date wrong when I was 2 (and I ended up being born in the end of the 13th century) right? That was so fun :) Then everyone blamed Shane for the fire in the backyard that has left a puddle of wax on our steps that's still there 5 months later.