FitHappily

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Therapy was great today. I realized I'm slowly learning to let down my walls I've built for long. Walls that don't allow people to see the real me. To see the flawed me. To see the deep loving me. Walls that have prevented me from created solid relationships. I'm finally allowing myself to be me! To not only show the good stuff. To not only allow myself to say what I think people want to hear. To allow myself to actually have worthwhile conversations. Meaningful discussions with real life people, who knew?!

We talked a lot about how I feel resentful about not having anyone to guide me in life. To teach me that life can be both hard and easy. To reach me how to overcome the hard stuff. I've had to learn for myself and although I'm learning NOW when I'm almost 30, I often wonder what life would have been with role models. How I'm learning to blossom from that timid 4 year old little girl who was conditioned to walk on egg shells, to not upset anyone. The little girl who didn't talk and was shy. I'm finally accepting that it's OKAY to be who I am. That I don't have to keep people out. And that I, too, can let my light shine.

Leaving therapy, we talked candidly about how good of progress I've made. I'm certainly not tooting my own horn BUT the fact of the matter is that I did the hard stuff. Me! I did it. I was guided by two different doctors and the end result was a success because I put in the HARD work. Someone can give you a pencil, but they can not physically write FOR you. And I find this experience to be such a profound bundle of moments. When my Psychiatrist told me that Panic Disorder CAN be cured within 3-6 months I was filled to the brim with hope. PURE HOPE! But hope can not make the outcome successful; hope is what can DRIVE you, though. I knew I would make it out. I just knew it. The question was just WHEN.

I remember saying "this is taking forever, I don't know how much longer I can take feeling like I'm going to die!" She just smiled at me and said "it's not forever, you're almost there." And in that moment I really believed her. I knew that when I could sit in my house all by myself and accept that my feelings were PAINFUL but that my feelings were NOT real, I knew I was going to make it. Today, I'm able to stay home ALONE. Although some days are still harder than others, I've learned that that's just how life is. We must take the good with the bad. But not only "take it" we must embrace it all. That's how we learn to really LIVE.

We are going into the month of February and if you had asked me in September what I thought about life, I would have cried ugly tears and told you that it was awful. I would tell you that I don't know how normal people function. I would tell you that I just CANT do this whole house thing. I would tell you that I am petrified of life.

But here I am, telling you, that no matter how busy you are, no matter how broke you are, no matter how scared you are, and no matter how hopeless you are, SEEK HELP. Let people know you're not okay! Once you can EMBRACE help, I promise, that is when your life will start to shift. That is when you will learn WHO YOU ARE. That is when you will learn WHY you are the way you are. That is when self discovery and BIG break throughs will present themselves to you!

In the end:TherapyMedicationHealthy DietExerciseApplying breathing techniques learned in therapyMeditationJournalingPutting myself first

Monday, December 8, 2014

I've pondered this questions many times. Why is it not okay to be okay? So, here it goes. Lets say someone tells me something like "Oh, don't tell anyone that, please." Or, "I don't want anyone to know." Or, "Aren't you embarrassed? What if your family sees?" All of this in regards to mental illness. Sound familiar? Maybe it's yourself saying it in your head. Maybe it's a friend or family member saying that about someone else.

I remember when I was 18 years old, I was working my first "real" job and I had just decided to take a semester off from college, I just broke up with a boy who was very mentally abusive, and I was in an awful spot in my life mentally. I came home to a family member with tears in my eyes and said "I think I have depression or something." Her response was a cold, "Well, you probably do." And that was all. Maybe if she wanted to help me, I would have been able to get help much sooner in life. Or maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. Does this sound like something that happened to you? I know a few people who finally mustered up the courage to tell a loved one and the same thing happened to them. They were kind of pushed aside and left alone to feel even worse.

I would go on for 10 years before I finally decided that it was the last straw and that I needed to get help. When I went to my first therapy visit I was so worried about someone seeing me or finding out about it. Like it was some awful secret that no one could ever know about. Then I was just so focused on making myself better that I didn't care anymore. I wanted to be happy, I wanted to feel validated; and this was the only way for me to figure out how to uncover everything. My fears, my sadness, my anger, my anxiety, my imperfections, all of it! I wanted to be free! I remember specifically thinking, "what if my therapist thinks I'm a bad person, or tells me it's all my fault?" That type of thinking I'm sure is what happens to a lot of us that have been hurt. So, I just want you to know you're not alone! And I'm here to say that I'm 99% sure that NO therapist would EVER say that. We are all validated in our feelings and we deserve help, we deserve someone to LISTEN to us. But most of all, we deserve self love!

I finally feel like I am able to be me. I am finally able to say "Hey! I'm not okay!" And you know what? That does NOT make me any less of a deserving person, any less of a woman, any less of a wife, or any less of a mother. In fact, I believe this process will only make me stronger. It will only make me better in all of those areas because I can finally really understand myself and understand how my misfortunes have impacted my life, for both good and bad. I can finally heal and finally be at peace with myself.

So, I'm here to say that if you are NOT okay, that IS okay! I want you to not be scared to take that first step and seek help. You deserve to live a life of fulfillment. You are never alone.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

As I'm in the process of recovering from a life full of not so wonderful things, some terrible things, actually; I realize the more I dig and dig and the more I start to understand WHY some things happened to me, WHY I chose some of the paths I chose, and WHY it's okay if I never understand WHY some events that happened to me are out of my control and merely something I need to move on from. I remember failing Algebra my freshman year of high school. I failed. Like, a big fat F. And I accepted that because I was too embarrassed to ask for help, or didn't know how, or I felt like because I didn't "get it" that I didn't deserve help. So, I failed, and I was SO embarrassed. And I had to go to summer school. I don't go to summer school! Why am I here!? I also remember many, MANY times where I couldn't turn in an assignment on time or I simply forgot and instead of talking to my teachers, I would simply not say anything and accept that I got a ZERO for not handing it in, silly because I was too embarrassed to talk about WHY I didn't hand in the assignment.

Do you see a common theme here? Lack of communication, too much shame, too much pride, and accepting of failure. This seems a lot like my life from as long as I can remember up until a couple of years ago. Of course a lot of these things are learned behaviors, right? So, of course I can not be too hard on myself, because the truth is, I didn't know ANY other way. It was only until I chose to educate myself and learn how to become a better person that I was able to break this cycle in my adulthood. Ridding toxic people, no matter WHO they are, is also a HUGE determinant of your own happiness. I know it's not easy, but it's SO necessary for YOU.

Creating a safety net of people who are going to be there to help you when you're down, be there for you when you need them, bring happiness and love into your life, and be genuinely concerned for you is really important. This could be family, friends, church peeps, neighbors, teachers, coaches, WHOEVER; but it's important to build these nets. You need to be able to confide in someone else besides your own brain. People who understand. People who believe in the sanctity of trust. I promise you there are GOOD people out there who genuinely care about you. But we must first find the courage to seek out how to be better humans and realize that we do deserve wonderful things! We deserve to get A's and make new friends and be happy and to laugh! We deserve to have the freedom to cry if we need to, to express how we really feel. We deserve to let the world know how we have been hurt. We deserve everything GOOD. And there is still GOOD in this world. We just can't give up, no matter what. We must never give up.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

I am not the most important person in this world. I am a small part who by doing good and being open and honest, can potentially change the world. And this will be my message to my child(ren). The more time that passes and the more experience I gain with life, it becomes more evident that life is truly what you make it. You can make it positive or you can made it negative. Certainly situations arise in life that can feel horrific, overwhelming, hard, depressing, awful, and unbearable; but what matters more is our reactions to these situations. People can choose to be mean, abusive, and toxic toward us; does that mean we have to take that and settle with that? Absolutely not. Sure, it makes things much harder when you are hurt by someone, even more-so when that someone is someone who you thought loves you. Maybe that person does in fact love you, but maybe that person is so deeply affected in a negative way that they can't help their actions and reactions. Of course that is NO excuse to be a hurtful human being.

What I am suggesting is that maybe our reactions to these actions are what cause us most pain and suffering, not so much the action. Every day I am trying to be better than I was the day before. Every day I aim to see that everyone has a story. And that person who cut me off in traffic may be rushing to get to a family emergency, or the person who gives me a dirty look could possibly be going through something horrible in their life.

My point is, it's not about me. It's not about us. Everything is NOT about us. The more I realize this, the more compassion and peace I acquire. My focus is to raise myself up, in turn raising those around me up. I don't want my son thinking he has to be cold just because it can be a cold world. I want him to live with his chest and heart open up to the sky. I want him to live a life of love. A life where he has the power to inspire others just by being a peaceful person. I'm not saying I want him to be a wimp or to back down, I want him to stand up for himself in a strong way, to be a leader for those who feel burdened, who feel afraid. A life of courage and peace is my only wish.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Okay, so the past 2 weeks have been hard. Like, really hard. Like, crying ALMOST every day hard. Why? Because life is just sometimes HARD.

What I'd like to know is WHY no one ever talks about how hard moving is emotionally. I can't possible be the only person to feel sad/depressed/anxious/nervous. It took me a while to accept that I was all of those things. And it took me some time to figure out that MOVING was the reason behind my feelings.

See, I wasn't used to this new house. This new neighborhood. How to use these *new* appliances. Worrying about bugs getting into the house (we lived in a condo on the 6th floor for 7 years!). P.S., I finally figured out that my front screen door wasn't properly shutting which was allowing bugs here and there INTO my house. And we live near a forest. And I just wanted to pack up and walk out the f*cking door! I wasn't used to the noises (the chipmunks talking on my porch waking me up like a rooster on a farm) or the acorns which fall off our humongo tree and make knocking noises right above my room. And apparently the person(people) who lived here before us never heard of the word DEEP cleaning, or maybe they just never heard of the word cleaning in general.

THIS STUFF has been hard! And now that we've been here for a month and a week, I can say with honesty, I FINALLY feel like myself again. I made homemade pasta yesterday (like the first REAL meal I've made since we moved in) and I finally took my THIRD shower in the house (I have been showering at our new gym). I finally wake up feeling refreshed and HAPPY. I finally can fall asleep without sleeping with one eye open. Not only this but we had our FIRST annual block party and got the opportunity to meet a lot of our neighbors! We had family over and had some good food and conversation.

Lastly, my son was having a hard time sleeping. He would say there are monsters in his room, or wake up screaming crying for me to change his diaper (which he just wanted to get out of bed), he would 99% of the time cry when it was bed time; and let me tell you, THAT was a God awful feeling. My husband and I decided we needed to set up his big boy bed and complete the decorating in his room. Johnny LOVES Cars and Lightning McQueen, so we got a car bed and bought a lot of decorative accents. Johns friend came over and put the bed together for us and let me tell you, what a world of a difference. LIKE. OH.MY.GOD. LIFE CHANGING! Johnny LOVES his room! He LOVES his bed and LOVES sleeping in it! He happily goes to bed and does not get out (day 4, so knock on wood this keeps up!). He does NOT cry when I put him to bed. He hasn't mentioned a monster since! So, now things are beginning to feel COMPLETE. And normal. And happy.

Haha it seems hectic and it was. He's usually so adamant about not going on the potty or tells me he has to go and then says no. So when I realized the gumption he had toward it, I knew it was go time.

He ended up kneeling on the actual toilet seat, facing the toilet, and peeing right into the bowl, like a boss! I screamed, jumped up and down, was yay-ing, and omg-ing, and just so damn proud. And I told him to flush it on his own and he did. And I made a crazy deal of that too and I could see the pride beaming from inside his big, beautiful heart. And in that moment, that single act took away anything negative that was affecting me. My little 2.5 baby is growing up.

So not only did he go that one time, but after his bath he told me he had to go again. And he did. The same way. With the same excitement. Oh, my mama heart. I'm so thankful. So blessed. So fortunate in this life. Johnny, I'm so SO proud of every accomplishment of yours, no matter how small. You are my joy, baby.

Preschool is also right around the corner! I signed him up for 2.5- early 3 year old preschool and I'm so anxious and nervous about it all. He's so attached to me and he's SUCH a good boy that I KNOW this will be nothing but positive for him but I also am a little worried, which I hope is normal. He's so bright and so full of excitement and wonder so I know it's the perfect time for this introduction to school. He can count to 20. Knows his ABC's. Sings many nursery rhymes. Asks a never ending amount of questions. Is always pointing out signage. He is gentle with other kids. Is always saying hello to everyone and ANYONE. He's such a wonderful child. I am so excited to see how this adventure into preschool is going to further his development and his interaction with other children.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

We are coming up to our 3 week mark of being in the new house and all I can say is WHEW. Life is finally becoming manageable again. I'm finally able to start going to the gym regularly again, which is HUGE for me because the gym is really like my safe haven; it's my room to breathe, really. It's my sacred time for me to process my thoughts, release some tension and anxiety, and really helps me keep my head on straight. So, without it for the past couple weeks it's been extra challenging.

Getting used to the garbage pick up and putting it out front with our recycling, etc., has been a whole new world too. We used to just toss our garbage down a shoot and voila! Now, we are living like actual humans. And let me tell you I understand this is totally a first world problem and I often have to keep telling myself to just chill, but the whole garbage and flies flying into my house when I open my front door is all taking a lot of getting used to from my city high rise life. However, now that HUGE changes are slowly becoming more like familiarities, life is becoming somewhat normal again.

Getting used to a whole new schedule and how things work in this house (my son is now sleeping til just about 8 am every day now, can I get an AMEN!?), my days are starting later. Breakfast is later, gym is later, and everything is pushed back a little bit. When you've been on a set schedule with your child for the past 2.5 years and now everything is shaken up, it's very scary. But like I said, we are all adjusting quite nicely now!

We have spent a lot of money, no, like, a shit ton of money on furnishing our new place and honestly it's scary. It's scary but when we look back to living in our condo, we didn't buy ANYTHING. So now that we are dropping the big bucks (why is EVERYTHING $1000?!?!) it's been hard to swallow, but the bigger picture is really helping us realize this is all worth it.

Using a leaf blower has been a huge cool new thing for me too! A leaf blower? What a genius idea! Also the excessive amounts of cleaning products I have bought and actually used is a HUGE amazement to me. Home Depot is LITERALLY my new best friend! I haven't decided if I am in love with the idea of that, but it's starting to grow on me (even though I've newly discovered I have a bad OCD problem, EEK!).

So, the bigger picture. The bigger picture is I see our entire future in this neighborhood. I see my son playing little league and getting scrapes and spending endless summer nights running around with his new friends and maybe even my new mom friends and knowing "Joey and Susie" from around the corner and having sleep overs and possibly having another child and joining a new Church community and having this awesome and beautiful life here. I see it all. I see it here. I am so overjoyed that we made the decision to be here and to leave our condo life behind us for the better good of our family and our son. Do I miss it? Sometimes. It sometimes makes me sad thinking about the memories we had there, but the excitement and happiness we gained from moving here far outweighs all of that.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

I mean, unpacking at your new home takes like a bazillion hours! Putting away dishes took like 3 hours alone!

I have to say, thank God I have such wonderful people in my life that are always willing and able to help me; because otherwise I really think I would be swimming in my own filth with only 5% of everything accomplished. Right now I am about 97% done with everything being unpacked AND having a place in the home.

I guess what made everything a bit more challenging is that we have to buy almost everything brand new because we didn't really have anything! New couches, new tables, new chairs, new bedroom sets, new this, new that; GEEZ! So having that all delivered the week of the move has added an extra annoyance and cluster-f*ck with boxes. I mean, how many boxes can one person have in their house?! It's crazy! And seriously, with the double boxing, the staples that are damn near impossible to get out, and the mountains of tape that comes with a box, it's a miracle I am still somewhat sane.

OH, and with all these new items comes a plethora of DIRECTIONS and STUFF to put together.

I mean, why does EVERYTHING need to be put together?!?! Why can't I just get a box that has everything assembled and place it where it needs to be? Even this new fan that I bought needed to be assembled! It's a fan for Petes sake!!

Last night it rained. A lot. and HARD. And a lot more. Listening to rain and thunder when you're trying to sleep in an actual house is a lot different than when in a high rise condo. You hear just about everything! Also, seeing puddles forming outside from the rain made me so nervous I just started bawling crying. Yes, crying my eyes out because of rain. Really though, it's much more than rain. When all is settled and you're living in a NEW house and neighborhood with a bunch of NEW stuff surrounding you and a lot more space, and a lot more responsibility, and a lot more cleaning to do; you realize that this is really hard. Moving is hard. Change is even harder I guess, for me anyways. I hate change. Even when I KNOW it's the right thing that needs to be done, it's still a struggle for me.

Being sad enough on my own for leaving the condo I lived in for almost 7 years made it that much harder when my 2 and a half year old would say, "No mommy, I don't want new house, I wanna go home!" Home. Where is home? This is our NEW home but the condo has been Johnny's home since he's been born and mine and my husbands home for a very long time. We all had our routines down pat. Everything was NORMAL. We knew our city. We knew the people at our gym, grocery stores, friends at the park, etc. So having to leave all that with a child who pretty much understands what's going on has been THAT much harder.

HOWEVER, now that it's been a week since we started this whole process and about 4 days since we've been actually sleeping here, things have already gotten better. Johnny doesn't ask to "go home" anymore. We have everything pretty much done except for redecorating and a few outdoor cleaning tasks. I cooked on our stove for the first time last night (it's a glass top electric stove) and it was a huge success! I'm slowly getting use to where everything is put away (dishes and stuff). And life is becoming a bit better than it has been this past week.

The positives of our move:
More space!
Doors on our bedrooms!
Lots and lots of storage space!
We don't have to listen to the TV on 4 volume at night anymore!
No city traffic!
We can actually have family and friends over now!
We have an actual kitchen table!
No more waiting for elevators!
Our new gym childcare is OUTSTANDING!
Grocery store parking lots actually have spots available!
We live in a FANTASTIC neighborhood with a great school system!
We are closer to BOTH of our families now!
No trains blaring at night or during nap time!
Less air pollution!
My husbands travel time to work has been cut in HALF! (and he no longer has to take public trans!)
This is our first HOUSE as a family!

Although I am still slightly saddened just by the change and missing our old place, I am that much more excited and happy for the future in our new town!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Oh, my sweet Johnny boy, why won't you just TRY the pasta? Ya know, I have been working diligently the past few months trying to get my son to try new foods, even if he doesn't eat any more than that one bite, at least he tried it. Sounds simply enough, right? Well, sometimes. I like to think I'm pretty intuitive and also pretty well versed in communication with my little one and finding ways to be creative with making him excited to try new foods.

For instance, "Wow, Johnny! There's a dinosaur on that meal! Do you think the dinosaur loves to eat that?" Johnny will exclaim, "Yes mommy yes! Dinosaur!" So, he seems excited to try it, right? Wrong! Or, "Hey Johnny, this tree stick (broccoli) looks like the one Old Brown (Peter Rabbit show) likes, I think you will really like this too! Look at mommy eat this yummy tree!" Sounds good, right? Well, he thought so too! Thankfully, he tried a little piece. He thought for a second and then tried it again and decided the texture was "yucky" but the taste was good. Okay, so I'm onto something here. My next goal is to try to boil or steam the broccoli so maybe the texture will be more pleasant.

The typical American kids favorites such as, hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, pasta and meatballs; my son will NOT eat. To say I'm pretty happy about that may be an understatement. However, I'm not at all opposed to my child consuming those foods SOMETIMES. I guess it's just mind boggling to me that he doesn't like them.

So, what does he like? Well, I will make a list:
Fruits:
Bananas
Apples
Pineapples (sometimes)
Watermelon (sometimes)

Vegetables:
Broccoli (we are almost there!)
Carrots (same above with texture)
Spinach (I hide it in his protein shakes and pancakes)
Peas (he's not opposed to peas completely, he will actually touch them and squeeze them, he just hasn't tried one, YET!)
Potatoes

So, as you see, he eats SOME really good food which, after writing this I am actually very pleased with. However, most of these items he will not eat as a complete meal or mixed together. For instance, he loves bread and cheese but hates cheese sandwiches! I can sit there for an hour with him and tell him, "Johnny, if you just TRY this, you can play." No go! He will cry and cry, turn his head, stuff his hands in his mouth, etc. So, I see how long I can go with no TV on, no games, no toys, nothing, until he at LEAST licks the spoon. But I think he's just so worked up every single time that no matter what it is, he's going to not like it and gag.

However, maybe he inherited this all from me? I remember up until the age of 21 (no I'm not kidding) that I wouldn't try ANYTHING. All I really ate was peanut butter sandwiches, salami sandwiches (BOTH PLAIN, mind you!), and anything fast food that was simple. I had never even tasted fish until my twenties! I didn't try mayo and mustard until I was 25 (again, serious). But now I will eat just about anything that you put on my plate!

I want my son to enjoy different foods and eat more protein in his diet (along with veggies) but I also feel like at this point, I'm doing what I can do be successful. All I can do is keep on trying and not give up.

At this point I am EXTREMELY thankful for Earths Best and Plum Tots for their squeeze packets of delicious and healthy food! My son LOVES them, and at least he's getting some fruits/veggies/oats/and quinoa in there!

Do you have any success stories for Operation Picky Toddler? I'd LOVE to hear it!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Let me preface this by saying that life has been insanely crazy. Life has been very stressful, lately. Life has been CRAZY BEAUTIFUL, lately. Watching my son grow and seriously pick up every single word I throw at him, asking questions, running, playing with toys, playing with kids, using the iPad better than me; everything has been so beautiful! Ever since hearing the news of little Ryan Cruz's death, I've been stressed about Johnny's every move, which I KNOW isn't good, but some days I just can't help myself. But, day by day I am learning to give him space (with a very watchful eye). There have been days lately where Johnny lets me rock him to sleep and he just stares at me while I sing him lullabies. There have been days where he cuddles me, a LOT! There are still days when he says, "mommy, carry you!" (meaning, carry HIM). I soak up these moments for all they are worth because he hasn't always been a very lovey, touchy, feely kind of kid. I think it may have taken some time for him to really LOVE me. And, while he's only 2 and a half, I think that's okay and normal. Because what I know is that boy really, REALLY loves me. And no words could ever suffice to explain the pure love and gratitude I have for my baby. Some day's I want to scream, some days I just want to SLEEP, some days I don't know how much more I can take from a tantrum; but learning how to be HIS mommy, and learning to understand HIS needs has been so worthwhile.

Parenting is excruciatingly difficult. I really don't think I would fully grasp the challenge had I not been granted the opportunity to stay home and raise my son. My goal as a parent is to learn how to be the best parent I can be. It is so easy to say yes and to just let kids do whatever they want. And it is so beyond challenging to say no and really stick to it. To learn to set rules and boundaries. To teach your child proper behavior and manners. To make sure he understands he can not have dessert without eating enough of his food. To make sure he understands that bed time is sacred and necessary. I want my son to be able to come to me if he has a problem, to be able to confide in me, to not be afraid of anything he may have done or do. I want him to make mistakes in life, I want him to fall down and pick himself back up, I want ALL of these things for him. Because these are the things that help you in life. These things propel you forward. These things are what life is about. I want to teach my son patience yet to understand a sense of urgency in regard to work and chores. Most of all, I want him to feel and understand my love.

Now, to my next point. I hate change, but I am wise enough to understand that it is necessary. We bought a new car recently and are moving at the end of the month. It is now two weeks since we got our new car and my son is finally accepting that it is OUR car and not "papa's" car. I think it's adorable and so freaking smart that he calls it "papas car." My father-in-law has a black Ford car and ours is a black Ford SUV, so for him putting two and two together in regards to the logo and the color, is nothing short of awesome. However, me being cursed with oversensitive feelings, it's made me sad when he wouldn't want to ride in the car or would call it "papas car." It made me feel like this whole change thing when we move is going to be very difficult for him. I already know it's going to be hard for all of us, but I know once we get settled that it will truly be the BEST thing for us. So, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers with our move and that he's okay with sleeping in a new house.

Jessica Scimone

About

Jessica just moved from the City to the Burbs and is learning to adjust to her new life. With her husbands demanding job, her son now in PRE-pre-school, and her getting a brand new house and life together, life is as hectic as ever. Jessica loves cooking, fitness, traveling, and writing.