Glenn Beck: You say Osama, I say Usama

By T. Jefferson
Updated 12/03/2009 | 1:43 PM EST

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GLENN: Yes, the time has come that we get Tucker Carlson on the phone because we were just talking about this yesterday that, I’m tired of all the people on television I can’t pronunciation one thing right, and I admit that. I’m the worst. But I’m tired of all the people on television just changing it from Osama to Usama, from allah Akbar to allahu akbar, from cobble to Kabul. What was it that President Obama did?

PAT: Tolly bon, Packi ston.

GLENN: What is that? And then this morning I turn on the television and here’s Tucker Carlson.

CARLSON: No matter what the president promises in Copenhagen next week

GLENN: Copen Häagen. So I asked Stu, get Tucker Carlson on. And he said Tucker Carlson is too smart to come onto this program. Lo and behold, he’s not.

STU: Really not.

GLENN: He’s really not. Tucker Carlson, welcome to the program.

CARLSON: Hardly too smart. The truth is I chew Copenhagen snuff, and this I’m not making this up. And in my mind, you know, you don’t want to confuse an important Scandinavian city with a tobacco product. So I just have Copenhagen snuff and then Copen Häagen.

GLENN: What is the deal with Copen Häagen?

CARLSON: Well, you would never call your snuff Copen Häagen.

GLENN: No, you would not. No, you wouldn’t.

CARLSON: Yeah, you wouldn’t say, "Let me have a can of Copen Häagen, please."

GLENN: I mean, here’s the thing, Tucker. We were just talking about this yesterday. Stu or Pat, do the this is the typical reporter on the way they will talk about, you know, some uprising south of the border. They will do it just like this?

PAT: Sandinistan rebels attacked people in Managua, Nicaragua today and killing 14 and wounding another 30.

GLENN: We were like, what the hell is up with that?

PAT: From Managua, Nicaragua, I’m Bob Stevens.

CARLSON: I’m Jane N Hossa.

GLENN: Exactly right.

PAT: Why?

GLENN: So did you? And I completely, I support you on this one. Did you just have just some sort of an aneurysm during the show and you were like, Copen Häagen?

CARLSON: Well, part of it was, it was 6:17 in the morning.

GLENN: No, I know that. I know that. I’m really

CARLSON: Really it had to do with, it had to do with the Copenhagen versus Copen Häagen. I mean, if there was a town called Skoal or, you know, Redman, I would call it red mon or Skwell, you know, just to make it

GLENN: Come on! Is this really your reason?

CARLSON: I’m serious! One is a tobacco product and then one is an important city.

GLENN: This is a one man venture to get everybody to call it Copen Häagen? You know, God bless ya. I mean

CARLSON: I’m trying.

GLENN: Here’s one man saying, I can make a difference. You know what? I’m joining you. From hereon out it’s Copen Häagen. So who’s with me? Stu?

CARLSON: Thank you. I think I won a convert today.

GLENN: Yes, Stu, are you with me?

STU: This is a grassroots movement. Copen Häagen it is.

GLENN: Copen Häagen. Pat, Copen Häagen?

PAT: I shan’t be saying Copen Häagen, no.

CARLSON: Please don’t put me in the shan’t category. That’s up there with toe mott o. I can’t do it.

GLENN: That’s great. Okay. Well, it’s good to talk to you, Tucker. I’m sorry to waste your time on this. We just wanted to know what the heck was up with that.

CARLSON: Look, I deserve the spanking and I’m proud to get it.

GLENN: No, wait a minute. I’m really with you on Copen Häagen.

CARLSON: Well, here’s the question to you. Is it Ne vod a or Nevada?

PAT: It’s Nevada, absolutely Nevada

CARLSON: See, I strongly, firmly disagree. It was always Ne vod a, and it remains still in my life.

PAT: No.

CARLSON: No?

PAT: You are from the West and you call it Ne vod a?

CARLSON: Yeah.

PAT: Really?

GLENN: You know what that says to me? You know what that says to me? When I hear people say Ne vod a, I think, oh, jeez.

PAT: East Coast.

GLENN: Stop trying so hard to be a Kennedy.

CARLSON: No, I’m actually, I was born in San Francisco at Children’s Hospital, same hospital as Jerry Garcia.

CARLSON: I’m going to give a speech in a second and I know that I’m going to say on this one thanks to this special occasion.

GLENN: Where are you?

CARLSON: I’m in my office in Washington a block from D.C.

GLENN: Ooh, sorry. That’s the way they say it on that really smart show Jeopardy, ooh, sorry.

STU: You mean on jeo pardy?

GLENN: Jeo pardy, yeah.

STU: I love jeo pardy.

GLENN: By the way, have you seen the other Tiger Woods mistress?

CARLSON: No, I’ve seen the waitress yeah, I saw the waitress.

GLENN: No, the other one wearing the Ray Ban glasses.

CARLSON: Yes, I did see her.

GLENN: Wow.

CARLSON: Is that do you think that really is the mistress?

GLENN: I don’t know, but I think they should put her picture on TV some more. Wow, who is she? You know who she looks like?

CARLSON: Who?

GLENN: Like Cindy Crawford if Cindy Crawford had been cryogenically frozen for a while.

CARLSON: (Laughing).

GLENN: You remember when Cindy I mean, Cindy Crawford is still beautiful. But do you remember when she was, like when she was young?

CARLSON: Like it was yesterday.

GLENN: It wasn’t, but I’m with you on that.

CARLSON: No, she and Christie Brinkley, they live forever in my heart as they were in 1982, always.

GLENN: Christie Brinkley, you know, once she was, you know, cheating on her first guy up in, you know, the Alps or wherever she was and then she, you know, broke Billy Joel’s heart, no.

STU: I was more of a fan of Elle MacPherson.

CARLSON: Elle MacPherson?

GLENN: I love Elle.

STU: But the thing about it, by watching these reports the one thing you have to notice is that Tee jair Woods has a heck of a life.

CARLSON: He really does. I actually am starting to feel kind of I think the fact she hit him if she did indeed hit him with a golf club is actually a good thing for him because it makes it a little more even.

GLENN: Oh, I think can I tell you something? I think he deserved it.

CARLSON: Oh, of course he deserved it.

GLENN: Yeah, I think

CARLSON: He definitely deserve it and good for her for doing it. I mean, those Scandinavian girls are no one to fool with. But I’m kind of impressed that I think their marriage honestly has a better chance of recovering from this because she did do that.

GLENN: So in other words, you’re saying let Tiger Woods fail; he’s not too big to fail. Let him fail and it will restart and maybe he can build from here?

CARLSON: I actually think there’s probably some truth in that. And I also think getting smacked around with a golf club is a pretty good thing if you’ve been caught cheating on your wife, you know?

GLENN: My wife, my wife told me just last night, we were talking about it and she said, if you ever cheat on me, I’m going to, I’m going to hit you with a golf club, too. And I said, I’m going to cheat on you because we don’t have golf clubs. I’m safe! I’m good!

CARLSON: You’re safe, that’s awesome.

GLENN: I’m out, hey! So now all the ladies who have just been wanting a slice of this pie (throwing up).

CARLSON: You just opened the floodgates right there.

GLENN: Oh, I know, I know.

CARLSON: Squash rackets or bowling balls, there’s got to be some sporting equipment in your house that can hurt you.

GLENN: All right. Tucker Carl sone.

STU: Too kair, I believe, is the, Too kair Carl sone.

CARLSON: Too kair Carl sone

GLENN: All right. Bye bye. See, I don’t know if he was serious or not about the

STU: I think we go with it. I think we

GLENN: I’m going with Copen Häagen.

STU: Why not.

GLENN: I’m going with Copen Häagen. I may have him be the Copen Häagen reporter next week on the TV show while the president is over there just for the Copen Häagen part.

STU: I think that’s perfect. Plus you remember we’re talking about global warming, and Häagen gives you the Häagen Dazs, at least you think cold. What’s more delicious when the globe is warming.

GLENN: When he said play it again on television when he said this.

CARLSON: No matter what the president promises in Copen Häagen next week.

GLENN: I when I heard that, all I could think of was, A, this is what we talked about yesterday; and B was, ooh, that makes me want to have Häagen Dazs.

STU: Maybe it’s a corporate conspiracy with Häagen Dazs. That seems more rational.