THIS IS MY BLOG. AS A RULE YOU WILL SEE MANY JOKES AND PICTURES POSTED. I EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS. I HAVE THAT RIGHT STILL YET IN THIS NATION.
NEW RULES STARTING NOW ON THIS BLOG YOU MAY ATTACK ME. LEAVE ANY COMMENT YOU WANT DIRECTED AT ME. YOUR FREE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF. I WILL NOT DELETE IT.
HOWEVER IF YOU CROSS THE LINE AND ATTACK MY FAMILY IN A COMMENT I WILL DELETE THAT COMMENT. I HOPE THIS IS NOW UNDERSTOOD.
(Please accompany your Children while here this is still an adult humor blog)

When we were together,you always said you'd die for me.Now that we've broken up,I think it's time you kept your promise.

~~~~~

We have been friends for a very long time ..let's say we stop?

~~~~~

I'm so miserable without youit's almost like you're here.

~~~~~

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.Did you ever find out who the father was?

~~~~~

Your friends and I wanted to dosomething special for your birthdaySo we're having you put to sleep.

~~~~~

So your daughter's a hooker,and it spoiled your day.Look at the bright side,it's really good pay.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+Jeff Foxworthy on Michigan

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swimby,you might live in Michigan

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nightseach year because Pelston is the coldest spot in the nation, you mightlive in Michigan

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",youmight live in Michigan

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, youmightlive in Michigan

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of theyear, you might live in Michigan.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don 't workthere, you might live in Michigan

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of hisforehead, you might live in Michigan

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Lutefisk,you might live in Michigan

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might livein Michigan

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might livein Michigan

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone whodialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live inMichigan

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancingbear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters," youmightlive in Michigan~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had nolessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and thehorse immediately springs into motion.It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blondebegins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse'smane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her armsaround the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horseanyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slippingrider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap awayfromthe horse and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and sheis now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head isstruckagainst the ground over and over.As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere momentsaway from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, theWal-Martgreeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often rightbefore the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that hascaughtover its limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A cleveradvertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a newrod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife afterhe spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday howyour fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive ananglerinto such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limitbefore exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when droppedoverboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an anglerfrom ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 luresand hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but justbefore he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aidkit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when youreach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find thatyouneed more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler whenfighting fish in a specific weight range.

(2) A measure of yourcreativity in blaming that darn line for once again losing the fish.+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~# Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they are notprepared for the answer

At the start of a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorneycalled his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded; "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known yousince you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a bigdisappointment to me."

She continued; "You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate peopleand talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shotwhenyou haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anythingmorethan a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed acrossthe room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" Sheagain replied "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. Hecan't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice isone of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on hiswife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died!

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called bothcounselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either ofyou asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+Mexican Computer Virus

BUENOS DIAS!!!

JOU HAVE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS.

SIN WE NO HABE SO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS AMANUAL BYRUS.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+There is a Yankee fan, a Red Sox fan, a Cubs fan and a Marlins fanclimbing up to the top of a mountain talking about how loyal they aretotheir team, and how they would do anything for them.

Once they reach the top of the mountain the Cubs fans screams "THIS ISFOR THE CUBS" and jumps off.

The Marlins fan screams "THIS IS FOR THE MARLINS" and he too jumps offthe mountain.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds,"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous manwho ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin,come up here andI'llgive you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin,since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business isbusiness..."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

The miracle of toilet paper.....

Fresh from her shower, she stands in front of the mirror, complaining to me,her husband, that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristicallytelling her it's not so, I uncharacteristically come up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paperand rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it betweenher breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," I reply.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day willmake my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat I say, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

I'm still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.Stupid, stupid woman...+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+A British company is developing computer chips that store music inwomen's breast implants.This is a major breakthrough.Women are always complaining about men staring at their breastsand not listening to them.~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#The seven qualities of a perfect husband ...

BraveIntelligentGentle

PoliteEnergeticNuttyIndustriousSensitive

And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITALLETTERS only

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+This is a transcript between a commuter and therailroad company, regarding services of the latter.

"Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the lasttwenty-two years, and the service on your line seems tobe getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in theaisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think thetransportation system is worse that that enjoyed bypeople 2,000 years ago.Yours truly,A Commuter"

The Reply to the above:

"Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to theshortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhatconfused in your history. The only mode of transportation2,000 years ago was by foot.Sincerely,Western Railways"

And the Counter-Reply was:

"Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think youare the ones who are confused in your history. If you willrefer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you willfind that Balaam rode to town on his ass...That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to doon your train in the last twenty-two years!Yours truly,A Commuter"