Possibly the worst “Active Shooter Training” drill ever

It’s no secret that if someone walks into my office building with a gun, I’ll be the first to die. My hallway is a barren wasteland of inactivity, shared only by the Executive Director, the Director of Nursing, and the Clinical Director (plus his assistant, Wanda). I’m a sitting duck, surrounded by the Hospital’s Top Three Most Likely to Be Killed By A Disgruntled Worker or Angry Patient.

We recently decided to implement FEMA’s “Active Shooter Drills” to teach employees how to respond to a workplace shooting. It’s fairly basic:

If you can, RUN.

If you can’t run, HIDE.

If you absolutely can’t hide, FIGHT.

You can imagine how such a drill might get the anxiety going, so to keep it light, the shooter is depicted by someone wearing a clown outfit.

The third floor of my building is exactly where you would want to be if someone showed up shooting. It’s a very small area with only four offices but it has a stairwell, an elevator, and a fire escape. The door to the fire escape is always unlocked from the inside and is only four paces from each of the offices. It runs directly to the ground floor and a fairly obvious choice when looking to RUN.

But no. When the overhead speaker announced that the “shooter” was entering through the east hallway on the first floor, this was how the third floor employees responded:

Coworker #1:“Instead of running out the fire escape, I will summon the elevator! Even though it takes two minutes to arrive and may be carrying the shooter! The elevator seems like the best place to hide in any sort of a drill situation!”

Coworker #2:“Instead of running out the fire escape, I will climb to the very top of my craft closet and crouch in the empty space between my scrapbooks and sticker collection! Even though I’m out of shape and a third grader probably couldn’t fit up there! If I’m going to die, I want to be amongst my colored gel pens and tie dye supplies!”

Coworker #3:“Instead of running out the fire escape, I have decided to fight! Even though I’m in my 60s and weigh 90lbs! I will use this hand sanitizer bottle as a weapon!”

Pretty much everyone “died.”

Several days after the drill a woman I vaguely recognized stepped into my doorway. She was a data entry clerk from the 2nd floor and her office was right across from yet another fire escape.

“Can I ask you something?” she said.

“Sure,” I said, even though I was about to head to a meeting.

She crossed the room and made herself comfortable on my couch.

“You know, we had an active shooter drill on Monday,” she began, “and I died.”

She looked into my eyes for dramatic effect.

“I was shot by a clown with a banana. He blew his whistle three times.”

She went on.

“I didn’t like that. So I’ve decided when the shooter comes I’m going to be ready.”

I started to point out that it was only a drill and we weren’t practicing for a scheduled event, but she was too busy asking if I had any black duct tape lying around.

“No,” I said, “I’m afraid not.”

She went on to explain how she’d tried to hide under her desk but there was so much dust that she couldn’t stop sneezing. She decided it was a good idea to pop her head into the hallway to see what was going on and–

*whistle-whistle-whistle*

“I did not like dying.”

She’d spent the next few days preparing a hiding place in her office by pulling a long row of filing cabinets out from the wall.

“There’s enough space for two people to fit back there,” she said proudly.

The only thing she still needed was some black duct tape to cover the cracks between the filing cabinets.

“I’m afraid The Shooter will be able to see how the light isn’t shining through consistently, and then he’ll know there are people hiding because of the shadows.”

I apologized several times for not having any black duct tape. So she asked about black cardboard.

“We want to put cardboard around the bottom for the same reason—we can’t have any light shining through. I tried to cover it with fabric but I think The Shooter will know that isn’t normal for an office and he’ll figure out where we’re hiding.”

I also apologized for not having any black cardboard to lend.

“I’m ready for a hostage situation,” she went on. “I’ve got two upside down trashcans back there, with cushions so we have somewhere comfortable to sit. And then… if we’re hiding for too long, we can also use them as toilets.”

My eyes must have widened.

“Oh yes,” she said, “but don’t worry, I’ve got some toilet paper back there too, along with water and food, because you never know how long a hostage situation might last.”

I waited for her to finish, jingling my keys to signal my need to get out of there. It didn’t work. I wondered if some black duct tape and a roll of toilet paper would help me in this hostage situation.

I’ve since reviewed the FEMA guidelines and they make no mention of constructing a cardboard and duct tape fortress in the corner of your office. Then again, they don’t advocate for climbing to the top shelf of your closet, hiding in the elevator, or fighting back with office supplies. But what do they know, really? After all, we’re mental health professionals—we know what we’re talking about.

Do the people in your life tend to overreact to fairly straight forward situations? What sort of doomsday/zombie apocalypse/worst case scenario preparations have you made? Have you ever had to hide from someone?

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We are like a factory that creates disgruntled workers! You either work there until the day your heart stops beating or you leave (willingly or otherwise) and spend the rest of your days cursing the place. Running into former employees whilst out and about could be a whole other series of blog posts!

Hahaha it’s so true. I do feel like the hospital would be an excellent place to hole up in during the zombie apocalypse– we have food, meds, all the good stuff! We also have tunnels running underneath the building but I have yet to explore them…. emphasis on yet…

Aussa, it would be totally worth it for me to fly there and show up dressed as a clown holding a banana. I’m giving you a heads-up, so when the girl in the next cubical sees you with sleeves of black tape, you can say, “Oh, no reason really…” and then start humming to yourself.

Hahahaha you would have an excellent time of it! We were supposed to have a 2nd drill a few days afterwards but the Director canceled it due to all the vicarious trauma it caused!!! People were saying they would bring their own bananas to work and fight back against the shooter… it was a literal circus. *badum-ching*

Guap, the most ironic part about this is that I too tend to be somewhat hypervigilant. I walk into a room and it’s “walls, doors, windows” looking for my speedy escape if the need should arise. But at least we are both focusing on RUNNING and not just digging a little hamster den in a corner somewhere.

I know– and especially when you’ve just been told repeatedly that running is the best option. I think a lot of it may be the desire to not be bothered… because leaving your office, or the building, is way way too much work. Especially if the elevator is not an option.

Girl…seriously…do you get to work with all the crazy weird people or did you save a few for us?
I chuckled the whole time because I do remember that my craziest adventures was when I worked in the hospital, too. Full moons were craaaazy! (And I still cherish those crazy little nuts!)
Who did we decide was gonna play you in the movie version?

Ha! I am hoarding them all 😉 Full moons definitely cause some interesting situations around here! I remember that from when I worked on the wards… I should start taking note and seeing if it has an effect on the staff as well… it sounds like it would.

And! I always suggest that Liam Neeson plays me 😉 With a red wig, of course.

Hahahaha that’s so awful but probably accurate. You and your workplace full of men… We need to even out our ratios a bit, I think. I’ll send you Wanda and you can unload a couple of your most bravado-ridden men.

We probably could buy her some black tape, but… if you give a mouse a cookie she’s going to want a ham radio and a month’s worth of MREs.

I worked in a hospital for 3 years – and we worked in an off site location, but had to follow protocol, including the bomb/shooter/a big tornado is coming drills. I’m not lying when I tell you that I took advantage of the 1 min heads up I received and called the manager of one dept and told her, because two of her employees got us dinged each and every time. She would call their names and tell them she needed their help downstairs and get them on the elevator ASAP (the goal was before the drill started and the elevator became a no-no) and downstairs because they spent time standing at their desks asking:

“Is this a drill? I wonder if this is a drill? Oh… what if it’s real? Well, I’m NOT leaving my purse behind! You think it’s real or a drill? Should we take the elevator? Or, want to just sneak up to the roof, we can wait it out there.” By the 500th time they had asked each other if it was a drill, the inspector had walked up to them and dinged us!

I just wrote a post not that long ago that should a Zombie Apocalypse happen, I was not going to be a survivor! I’d be gone in the first wave!

Okay– you’re smart! When I know there’s going to be a drill, I usually schedule some sort of “break” to occur at that same time. Off campus…

It makes you wonder for everyone’s safety when they stand around like that, questioning everything! The amazing thing is that she probably wouldn’t have gotten “shot” if she hadn’t decided to open her door and wander out into the hallway. Common sense is just way too much to ask for.

I guess I can’t really judge your co-workers but umm it is interesting to see how people react when GIVEN instructions are not up to their standards. I would probably just run (if I could) or lay low and pray (literally). But hey their “creative” plans may work if they encounter a shooter that waits for them to get to their forts and make camp lol.

Your best bet in any sort of situation like this is to ALWAYS try and escape– the more time passes, the smaller that window of opportunity grows. And yep– laying on the ground is a good idea as well. Most instances of shooters show that they don’t tend to aim at the floor when firing at random.

Of course, the last laugh will be hers if we really are held hostage and the rest of us are wetting ourselves and having to survive off of gum. But I’ll take my chances 😉

Aussa, I heart you. 🙂 I now have the biggest urge to stop by the store in the morning on the way to work, pick out the biggest, fullest helium balloon on the planet, and prance into work all inconspicuously conspicuous, sneak up behind someone in their cube, and tap them the on the shoulder abruptly. This way when they turn around, I can also have stealthily donned a bozo wig and clown mask, look heinously at the balloon, and croak “Dontcha want it?! They alllll flooooooooat dowwwnnnnnn herrrrreeeeeee!”

The crazies in my world made up an emergency word. Sooooo, if you run in my office and yell “RED SQUIRREL!,” everyone is supposed to go straight to their emergency plan. Like hiding in your cardboard and duct tape fortress. Hey. Whatever works.

Noooo… really? The idea of an emergency word absolutely baffles me. I mean– if you were trying to subtly communicate it over a phone call or something that’s one thing but how on earth are you going to nonchalantly throw out “red squirrel?”
Of course now my mind wants to rise to the challenge, haha.

In our OB/GYN clinic, “code purple” meant violent person. The premise was that if a violent person was demanding to see his estranged girlfriend/mother of his child, someone could page a “code purple” and the violent person would be none the wiser while security was alerted (and then they would probably hightail it out of the building to flag down the police — leaving the rest of us to deal with the violent person).

Then, the powers that be decided that they wanted to do away with codes — so the new protocol when confronted with a violent person….is to yell, “Violent person!” to alert everyone to run for their lives.

Hahaha WOW. Yes, yelling “violent person!” is definitely one of the better ways to ensure that panic is kept to a minimum and the person doesn’t escalate.

We have codes at the hospital but NO ONE knows what they mean. I mean– we all know “code blue” but beyond that… no. One of our security guards called a “code green” the other day and now it’s the hugest joke because no one had a clue what it meant. Apparently it means “request assistance.” Who knew!

Do you think mental health workers as a group are more or less likely to die in a situation like this?
I mean are they more or less capable of making good choices compared to the regular office population?

NO clue. I was mostly poking fun at the fact that people assume we/they are any sort of authority on how to handle a crisis situation. Most would assume that those who’ve been through a FEMA training/drill would be better equipped but I can’t say I’m all that confident.

Everyone ought to have a zombie apocalypse plan! Mine is definitely to get to my brother’s house– he’s got all the guns. Actually… if I could get him to bring those guns to the hospital, then I’d be all set. We even have a big fenced in area a la Walking Dead’s prison where we could farm or something!

I envy those who have their very own compound! I will have to board up the downstairs windows, take potshots at the zombies from my balcony, and survive on zombie food under the bed in the guest room. But I really want a compound — with solar power, a well, and a dozen tiny goats.

Oh! A dozen tiny goats! To restore a belief in peace and happiness and joy and frolicking!

If the zombie apocalypse occurs I might– MIGHT– consider reconciling with the parents. They have a full blown panic room in their house AND a miniature panic room in their guest house. I could at least use that one…

Haha, that’s terrible! Talk about triggering PTSD. Though I kind of like this idea in general… just wear a whistle and when someone is annoying me with their presence, I’ll just blow it really hard… a really loud buzzer would probably also work.

People were threatening to bring bananas to work afterwards… And yep, not gonna lie, I have a taser in my desk all day! But I wouldn’t really want to go head to head with someone carrying an assault rifle, I suppose.

RIGHT?! That was the best part! That the shooter would really take the time to think “you know, I don’t think it’s normal for there to be fabric at the bottom of a filing cabinet… I should investigate.” What’s even better is that everyone there is hella weird so NOTHING makes sense in any of the offices anyways.

The woman who has a craft closet deserves her own post… it’s coming, I just have to figure out where to start…

To be honest, I’m reading this and thinking of my family. haha! My brother has a “bug out” bag ready at all times in case of….you name it. Government takeover is probably his biggest fear. I have an aunt who has a storage of vitamins, beans, and guns. My biggest concern is that she doesn’t have peanut butter. WHO DOES THAT?

And oh the clown…LOL. I love the clown with the banana. That’s the most disturbing thing I’ve ever heard.

Haha okay, honestly– a bug out bag is not that bad of an idea, in terms of emergency situations! Having some good shoes, medication, water and other necessities all stowed and ready to grab… okay, my survivalist tendencies are starting to show, must restrain myself.

I love LOVE that you have an Aunt who is storing beans and guns. Doomsday preppers absolutely fascinate me. I might be one if I weren’t so lazy and unable to fully commit to my hobbies.

OK, Beth — not only do I have a bug-out bag, but I also have a bunch of zombie food in my guest room (shelf life of 25 years – so if the zombies don’t come before then, I’ll just crack it open and start eating it — because by then, I’ll be old and poor — and zombie food is better eating than catfood….or cats.)

Haha! Be proud of your prepared self! Perhaps I should give her some credit, really… I have some sort of irrational fear of being in a situation where I can’t pee… so perhaps I should follow her/your lead…

It was honestly really hard. Usually I am a champ at rocking a straight face in ridiculous situations but this was a true test of those facial muscles.

And I have TOTALLY seen that episode (and every episode… ten times…) I once had a Psychiatrist hide behind me when a patient was getting violent (and he wasn’t even really violent– he was just yelling). He literally ran around and hid behind me like I was a tree in the woods!

I wish we got to do shooter drills at work, it sounds like a fun game, as long as the gun is a banana and not a gun!
I hid from someone once. This dude tried (TRIED) to mug me at the train station and a week later he was hanging out the front of the station with all his mates. I was scared to walk past so I asked a fellow commuter to boost me over a fence and I hid in a bush until they left so I wouldn’t have to walk past them to get to my car. Probably a big over-reaction but at the time it was sort of exciting.

I’m all over the map on how to feel about what you’ve just said! On the one hand I’m horrified that some creep tried to mug you and then continued to lurk about the area but then I also think it’s amazing that you hid in some bushes and I love that you found it exciting. Hahahahaha we may have a few things in common.

Holy cow! That’s the most replies I’ve ever scrolled through to leave a comment. You’ve obviously struck a nerve. Your post was hilariously awesome because we’ve all worked in offices with idiots like that. I miss working in an office. I always tell my kids that the show The Office is so it on, just like your post.

I have always loved that show, even when I just worked in retail, but now it totally strikes a chord in explaining my daily life! I only wish there were more “fun” people around– everyone is so humorless or bitter that I can’t even laugh about it with them. Luckily I have this blog 😉

“If I’m going to die, I want to be amongst my colored gel pens and bird cutouts!” Yes. I’m having an allergic reaction right now and I’m about to go cover myself in markers because MARKERS MAKE ME HAPPY. I have an Epi-Pen, but I don’t like it nearly as much as I like markers. That could change should I stop breathing.

Hahaha! Okay– I will grant that I have significant loves for magic markers but this woman is OUT OF CONTROL. I mean… She’s just waiting to have her own File of Awkward post but there are too many things to include, it’s impossible to know where to start. I may need to just sneak in her office and take some photos… they would contain every color and pattern you could ever imagine.

A panic room constructed mostly of items that can be bought in bulk at Costco, and a quick trip to home depot. Love it. Genius…………..NOT!!!!! LOL. I have to say though If I was being chased by a banana wielding bozo, I would probably be begging for someone to shoot me anyway. You have a very “interesting” workplace Aussa. Amazing that someone who seems to still have most of her common sense and sanity intact doesn’t go straight for the clown make-up and banana aisle and go on a whistling spree herself. LOL. Thanks for keeping me smiling. Be well friend.

A “whistling spree” haha! You know… after this whole debacle I proposed the idea of an inter-office contest to see who could come up with the best in-office panic room. For some reason my boss didn’t find it nearly as funny as I had…

Please no more pictures of clowns & simon cowel in the same blog. At least not without a warning or one of those yellow exclamation marks. I’d rather have an intimate dinner with Wanda. Am I over reacting? Definitely not. OK!

Couple of years ago, when a bird flu pan endemic was predicted in which countless millions would die a horrible death, I got trained on how to suit up in biologic warfare gear. I was the designated instructor for our company. Unfortunately resources were scarce and I was issued with only one suit. Our company section comprised 250. Concequently, just for the purpose of self preservation you understand, I would practice getting into the suit as fast as possible. This then developed, and I’d rehearse a short set of commands which went along the lines of “back off! If you come any closer I will be forced to shoot” Not that I had gun. Seemed like a good plan to me at least

You’re right– this totally should have had a twigger warning for both of those individuals!

Haha oh my gosh, I remember the whole avian flu pandemic thing… I was in Istanbul and they kept talking about shutting down the airports and I couldn’t imagine a worse place to be stranded (not a big fan of Turkey unless it’s Thanksgiving).

At work I am on some list to administer vaccines or antidotes for anthrax or something. By being on the list I get it for myself and everyone in my family. Amazingly, they never asked whether I knew how to poke someone with needles.

I have been very sad for the last couple of weeks as my company moves from our current wonderful offices to ones I hate. In the current office, though, I would be the second dead body, and there is no place to hide. In the new, several people, including my boss who wanted the move, will go ahead of me. So I am now happy. Unless it’s a clown with a banana. Then I will be pissed.

Great story! I work with Veterans and most suffering from PTSD. I finally made my way over the years to an office with a window. Later I discovered the window could not be opened as it was sealed shut and the glass is shattered resistant. I finally managed to quietly get my window to open but then the lizards came inside and I had to chase them out. At least I can climb out of the window if a shooter enters the building, as long as I don’t get attack by the lizards hanging outside. 🙂

You bring up a good point– windows. I have two in my office but I’m not sure I can even reach the part where they open? I’ve never tried to open them and I feel like it would be a lost cause but by virtue of this comment I feel the need to try and open them tomorrow! At the very least I’m sure I’ll end up with a charming injury and something to tweet about.

So let me get this straight: A clown with a banana and a whistle was pretending to murder all the staff at a psychiatric hospital, who had advance warning but got pretend-murdered anyway? How do they decide who gets to leave? Or is that a secret.
People do some amazing things in real emergencies too. The chef (my boss, Mohsen) at the last restaurant job I had told me this story about the time they were breaking up Felix Mitchell’s drug gang in East Oakland: There was a playground full of grade-school kids at recess, about a third of whom were immigrant kids from (mostly South-East) Asia, and the rest of whom were the usual diverse mix of kids found in most East Oakland neighborhoods. A van pulled up to the curb in front of the playground, and a man jumped out of it and started running down the sidewalk shooting at a man who had just been walking by, but took off running as soon as the shooting started. Mohsen said that after the second shot was fired, all of the American kids were up at the chain-link fence trying to see what was happening, and all of the Asian kids were face down on the playground blacktop. I remarked at the time that it was a good example of natural selection in action, although in retrospect I can see that it wasn’t really a joking matter.

I could hardly get through your entire comment because I was laughing so hard at the first paragraph. Answers: YES and HELL IF I KNOW. I’m glad you see the beauty and irony of the situation– it’s truly mind boggling.

And that story is equal parts amazing and terrifying. There is an elementary school across the street from my house and I morbidly think about how vulnerable they are EVERY TIME I come home for lunch. It’s just a chain link fence separating them from all of us deranged adults. I can totally see them having the same reaction as the white kids you mentioned, unfortunately.

They weren’t all white; this was in East Oakland. It’s just that the Asian kids were the only ones who thought of gunshots as something besides exciting, and they hit the deck right away.
Your blog looks different. Did you do something sneaky to it?

Ha!!! You did not! Oh you did, that’s amazing, I love it.
But wait– are they supposed to actually stop working when there’s a fire? Arden! What if it stops while you’re still in it? Don’t make me come Liam Neeson you out of an elevator shaft, ’cause you know I’ll do it!

Haha! I normally wouldn’t but the fire alarm wasn’t going off on our floor. It was only going off on the floors above us (which is weird, right?). I honestly thought it was the building next door. Not a good excuse, but it’s all I got. 🙂

I don’t know… her black cardboard and duct tape plan has some promise. She just needs a crafty ninja to help her work the kinks out. Be a sport. Imagine how much blog material you’ll get out of an engagement with her?

You’re probably right. If I just spent more time engaging these weirdys in conversation I would never run short of blog material and this whole thing would probably have to be renamed “File of Awkward.”

What if the next clown with the banana wants his medical files? Then what? She is nothing but a sitting duck! However,I commend her the extensive time she devoted to planning. Are those billable medical hours?

Oh yes, it’s all billable! That’s the amazing part about it. I would love to see a breakdown of how many hours any of us there are spending on actual hospital-related business and how much of it is on building fortresses, digging through old closets (guilty!) and …. you know…. wordpress 😉

They usually want something or somebody. I say give them the goodies.We were told, when I worked nights in detox in GA, that if someone should come in with a weapon asking for the narcotic box, we were supposed to just hand it over. One night, a man came in and cocked a gun in my face and demanded his wife. I gave him her room number. Seriously. Throw her at him and run.

Yikes, that’s pretty terrifying. We’ve had people show up to “visit” and attack staff so that they can break their friends/family members out. It really really bothers me– I mean… no one is there to get their face kicked in, threaten me and I’ll step aside so you can leave without putting me in the hospital. No one gets paid enough for that.

I don’t know what FEMA regulations you’re coworkers read, because, from their actions, I can only assumed they wanted to get shot.

What part of RUN THE FUCK AWAY is hard to understand. Maybe the problem is that FEMA neglected to say fuck… a word like that leaves an impression. Forget all those other parts about cardboard, that part where FEMA cussed is certainly the most important.

Haha seriously! They should have me do the next training and implement a revised version that includes profanity.

Looking at the photos of people who were shot was horribly amusing because they would just be standing there and/or hiding in the worst possible ways. If I didn’t know these people, I would think the photos were fake and that no one could be that idiotic. But yes, they can.

Where I live, we have to do practice drills for earthquake preparedness. It involves getting under my desk. I’m 40 something and usually decked out in heels and a suit. It’s not pretty. Also, we were given emergency survival kits to keep under our desk. I’ve complained that mine is missing its bottle of scotch. Apparently it’s not included? Seriously. When the world comes to an end, I’ll need a drink.

YEAH! We should all be allowed to keep such a thing beneath the desk– it can have a “do not break this in case of emergency” sort of seal that they can routinely audit if they please but yeah– don’t deny us one last drink if it’s all coming to an end!

Sidenote: We also have earthquake drills and you wouldn’t believe how many people STILL run out the building. Well, after reading this, I guess you probably would believe it…

Oh Lord….to make an effort to sum up a life time: she smuggled me into Canada when I was kid, because the Apocalypse. I was an illegal immigrant for 13 years without knowing it, because the Apocalypse. We lived in the middle of nowhere for 4 years with barns full of food and survival stuff etc, because the Apocalypse. It took me 3 years to finalize all my paperwork and convince the Canadian government that I was a real person who didn’t deserve to be deported, because the Apocalypse. Once I was legalized, they deported my mom, and she chose Alaska, because the Apocalypse. BOOM.

This is incredible. Please tell me you’ve written more about this somewhere else… was this just a generic apocalypse or the Biblical apocalypse? And are northern latitudes safer from the 4 horsemen or something?

Oh, Biblical apocalypse all the way. And the sad thing is, she STILL thinks it’s coming, just that her timing is off for predicting when. Hence the still hiding out. I don’t know, but I have lived in some of the remotest places in BC because “the military are more interested in taking over the populated cities than in 2 little ladies out in the middle of nowhere.”

I’ve written bits and pieces throughout my blog. If you go to last July or August and find A Letter To Me, it’s full of stories and pictures about my old farm and what I experienced when I revisited it with my hubby last summer. 🙂 I plan on writing a memoir though!

That just blows my mind! I watched a documentary on Netflix about people who think the rapture/apocalypse is going to happen in the next couple years. It was intense! I’ll have to dig through your archives/read the memoir though!

Haha! Sick! Why would those be the two things you’d choose! OMG I haven’t thought about Y2K in so long, hilarious. My good friend Sars comes from one of those families– her parents live out on some land and they stockpiled things like wheat and grain so that they could make their own bread and whatnot. I think they’re STILL living off of the stuff they bought back then.

i know, they are so random and odd. who want to eat either of those things in mass quantities? and on top of that, once you open the monster mayo jar it will go bad within hours. so —– yeh, there was so much y2k craziness around, i’m sure many people are still stuck with the things they hoarded in preparation. )

You now have so many co-workers who will be self-made sitting ducks, Aussa, you will be able to slip to safety confidently and safely, all by your lonesome. When it happens. Because it’s scheduled, they all know it.

Okay, here’s what you do: Find out where she lives and send an anonymous package filled with duct tape and black cardboard. Then, sign her up for the balloon of the month club and make sure they send a banana with the balloons. Do not – DO NOT give in to the temptation to wear a red nose to work.

Hahahahahahaha you are a cruel one, Linda! I love it. An anonymous gifting of duct tape and black cardboard = brilliant. She’s probably find some way to draw the conclusion that the active shooter was on to her though and she’d be moving her fortress into the ceiling tiles, in which case she’d need grey duct tape and grey cardboard…

Our active shooter training was through one of those super classy educational videos. It was actually surprisingly terrifying. And in an open office lije mine? I’m pretty screwed. So instead, I focus on being prepared for the zombie apocalypse. Brian and I totally have a plan.

I have probably seen that same video! I watched it and yeah– it sort of gets you going and thinking! Apparently the thinking part doesn’t happen for everyone though…

And yeah, you have to plan for the Zombie Apocalypse! The Boyfran lives a few miles away, so that’s difficult… but he’s close to my gun-owning brother so that makes it convenient. I just need a helicopter and I’ll be all good.

Whoops — premature submitting! Did your film have the stupid girl who kept freezing…not wanting to run…so they had to drag her along with them? And then finally they just abandoned her, because she was just too stupid to live?

This is hysterical, Aussa! Wow, your co-worker has really gotten into this hostage crisis/shooter preparation. She’s thought of every detail. I always thought I would be prepared for a crisis, but so far, I’m failing miserably. No, I have no plan. Now, I’m going to the store to buy canned goods and water. Yeah, good idea!

Ha! Let’s all do it 😉 I mean… to a certain extent, it’s probably a good idea to stock up on SOME things. A natural disaster can render an entire community 3rd world status when clean water, electricity, and roads are all lost. But I think we’re talking about two different things here, haha

The lady wanting to hole herself up in her office/cubicle/whatever must have a lot of things she doesn’t want to lose. In a real situation, you want to save your LIFE! You can always get new things. There’s only one you.

It’s so true. I’ve thought through every situation of what to do to save my dog in an emergency situation. No drills as of yet, though… I’m not sure how she would feel about being lowered out my second story window in a bedsheet 😉

We had to watch the same grim video (although ours had an angry-looking dude in a trench coat– that clown would be terrifying). No debrief afterwards, just a, “GOOD LUCK!” and onto the next item on the agenda.
I’m trying to think what I would even “fight” with. My Teacher’s Edition text? It’s slightly heavier than the regular student textbook. I’ve worked at six schools and have had 3 shooting incidents at two different institutions. One was an air/track gun, so I guess that didn’t count. In a real shooting, though, six people died. The shooter was about 20′ from my office. Wanna talk about the 2nd Amendment??

Oh my gosh, seriously??? That is so so so horrible, I’m so sorry. What the hell are the odds of that happening more than once? Good lord.

I left this detail out for the sake of keeping it lighthearted, but we’ve actually had a shooter before– but it was in the 90s and they came in and shot a receptionist and a lawyer who was on staff. I always figure the odds are on our side but maybe not :-/

I think that’s the most baffling thing about these trainings– no debriefing, just a “well, you’re all f*cked! see you next year for our mandatory drill!”

ComplicatedWaltz, just happened to see this… I’m also a shooting survivor… not many of us out there. Do you ever write about it? I’ve been trying to connect with others who have been in these kinds of situations.
I’ve heard those training videos are a bit grim… I feel like they are rather lacking in real life experience, too.
Unfortunately, it does happen more than once to some people… re: my incident and then my crazy neighbor last fall. I don’t know if you were around for that story, Aussa. I’ll tell it to you sometime.

Well, I think we are all f*cked. There’s not much more they can say or do. Are you at a Catholic hospital? Maybe send in the priest… I think your writing is brilliant and this topic is so very important to talk about. I think it just reinforces that we really don’t have many options. Sad, right?

My husband used to work for a TV station, and they had the random crazy dude show up with a gun and blow through the lobby. He missed it by 10 minutes.

“Columbine” happened my second year teaching, and there was a huge shift in everyone’s sense of peace. This shit used to not happen, at least not on this scale. So my big question is, why the big uptick in crazy-shooter-gun-violence over the past 15 years?

I don’t know why it has increased… I’m sure there’s some sort of scholarly debate or studies that have gone on but I would imagine it’s because the idea has been presented to us as an option :-/ I don’t know, but it’s horrible.

@bornsirius No, I haven’t written about it. I write about other trauma in my life. This probably sounds whiny, but I have been through so much in my life, that being around a shooting hasn’t really affected me. It’s like there is other trauma that has to be processed first. My current blog is about childhood trauma.
That being said, in none of my experiences did I face a gun, see anyone get shot, etc. In my experiences, I heard shots and hit the deck. So it’s quite possible it didn’t affect me as much, because I just wasn’t that close to the violence. I’m the only fortunate one in this.
Bornsirius, I’m sorry you have gone through this. I really do hope you are able to connect with others. People all have different types of trauma, but if you suffer with PTSD symptoms, the feelings are all the same. I can link you to this blogger, Becki Duckworth. She has survived gun violence and writes about it:http://isurvivedamurderattackmyfamilydidnt.com/

I do not wish to offend or embarrass you, but I have been quietly following your blog for years. By your own words. you were not anywhere near the college during the shooting in Santa Monica. I am confused and disappointed that you would say you were there–“Heard shots and hit the deck.” I used to think of your blog as a place to connect with someone who has survived much of the same things I have, but things like this destroy my faith in the world.

Haha! I know!!! Oh gosh, you really nailed it though– it IS a dirty old white man who coordinated the entire thing. He needs his own post, it’ll be called “File of Awkward: That Type Stuff.” Buahahahaha can’t wait.

Sadly, no! He was in his regular work shoes. He was really a rather sad looking clown– he had the wig and the nose and the whole outfit but it was too small for him so it was hanging unzipped in the back. I think that made it all the more terrifying, actually.

Everyone here freaks about earthquakes, the old crap building where I work would probably survive. I would sit under the ancient table that passes for a desk and eat sunflower seeds till someone came along. Not that getting shot is funny, but some days it would be better than smelly persons, lonely outcasts who wish to discuss their bowels, and the daily decrepit old perv wanting Herbal Viagra. Those are just my co-workers, oh send in the clowns.

Ha! This is so funny! I will share a funny work-based hiding story. A few years ago, a co-worker, we’ll call him Bob, rushed into the office I shared with another girl, dived under a desk and pulled the chair in to hide himself under there. The girl and I looked at each other a little puzzled. A few seconds later another co-worker walked in, we’ll call her Sue, and said “Have you seen Bob?” As we didn’t know Bob’s reason for hiding, we decided to cover for him and said we hadn’t seen him. Sue then decided to stay and have a chat with us, so we were chatting away, and then literally a good 5 minutes into the chat, the chair slid out, Bob emerged from under the desk, held a pen in the air and said “Here it is!” (Thanks for dropping us in it Bob when we were covering for you!). And then without batting an eyelid as if this was all quite normal, Sue says “Oh hello Bob, I just wanted to speak to you about…” and the two of them walked off chatting!

Ha! Oh man, he put you in that position and then he basically outed you– BURN. That’s just not in line with common office decency. That’s so funny to imagine– 5 minutes blow a desk silently searching for a lost pen without moving. Right 😉

Hahahaha well… if I take a break from laughing at the entire situation then I guess I’d be willing to grant that it would be horrifying to not have anywhere to pee if you were holed up in your office… so perhaps she is actually a genius.

Seriously– if you’re going to go to all this trouble, may as well bring your nun chucks into work with you. And yep– we are technically a weapon-free zone, though I have to wonder… I know that I have a few things on me that are contraband, and I can’t be the only one.

Hahaha! Get this — in my office, they have instructed us to “shelter in place,” which means that we all are supposed to go to the same internal conference room and look the door. Then, if anyone tries to get into the conference room, we are supposed to use the flag that stands in the corner of the room like a spear to protect ourselves. Seriously. That is the plan come up with by our security director. Put 30 people, some of whom hate each other and have questionable mental stability, together in a small windowless room and arm them with a single flag pole spear.

“Instead of running out the fire escape…” Hysterical. Can I Please get a job with you there Aussa?? I have a couple degrees (psychology and sociology) Cause lemme tell you how I would handle this drill. I would have my own banana and whistle, *whistle, whistle whistle* dead clown. Or I would run out the fire escape.

I hid in an attic once. It was very hot up there.

I wonder how effective these kinds of drills are really? How does one prepare for something so unthinkable, and how much will you actually be able to remember and put into effect and how much will be pure instinct?

I feel like if they were properly done then they would be more effective– the idea is that you don’t know how you’ll respond in a situation, based on instinct, but if you’ve at least thought it out and practiced then you’ll have a better chance of making a good decision.

If it were my responsibility to actually do it right, I think I’d have every single person review the guidelines and then submit their “plan.” Then they could be reviewed and discussed person to person if they were lacking. THEN I’d have a drill. It gives people a chance to connect action with thought.

But no. Clowns, bananas, whistles, mass hysteria. That’s how we like to do things.

For real– I can’t even fully remember that movie, I think I blocked a lot of it out! But there’s always something wrong with the idea of a grown man painting his face and wearing a rainbow colored wig and a red nose…

When a man walks in with a banana and whistles three times, I consider that a mating call, so I’d run straight into his arms, consequently disarming him of his weapon and becoming hero to all. Remind your co-worker that she will need to procure some MREs as well. Ever since Obama entered the White House, sales of guns and ammo have skyrocketed in Texas. I know folks who have rooms full of rations and weapons and are prepared to stand their ground or hide out with years of canned yams, should anything unconstitutional take place. That’s about as black helicopter as I can think. You should get on your knees and thank God you have that lady around to help protect your fate with her cleverness and forethought. 🙂 Perhaps she should wear Depends to work each day just in case…

And oh gosh– yes, people’s reactions to Obama… did major favors for the firearm industry. Combine Obama with the influx of Zombie TV and Movies and I’m pretty sure everyone is packing heat nowadays. I once watched an ammo exchange go down on the hood of the car parked next to me at a greenhouse.

Depends are a good idea! I’ll have to suggest that to her– and we keep them stocked around there so that’s one thing I can give her despite not having black duct tape or black cardboard.

Okay let me feet this straight. In a mental hospital where the staff are (not always successfully) hanging on by their fingernails, someone said, “I know! Let’s send a clown armed with a banana after them. To, you know, kill them.” Is it just that you’re trying to eliminate any line dividing you from the patients?

Go-packs are provided by my company. When you’re hired, you’re given one. You stash it in your desk and pray you never have to see it again. A glow stick. A surgical mask. A flashlight, I think. Actually, I don’t remember what’s in the damn thing.

Bullets were a game-changer for all that mystical mumbo-jumbo, don’t you think?

Do you do you’re own design/coding/implementation? Or is that “hacker” tag as big a lie as the “hooker” tag?

I owe you an email with some NYC info. I’m on it. No worries. I haven’t forgotten.

I have never heard of such a thing. I find it insanely intriguing, if you’ll forgive me.

We were actually just laying here talking about NYC! We need to begin fully planning it! My poor uncultured boyfran has hardly EVER been to the theatre– Wicked a few months ago was his first ever musical. Beyond that though, we need all sorts of advice for what to do and where to dine and where to get tipsy etc. etc.

And! I do my own designing and all that junk. I just use ipad apps and play around on the interwebs to figure it out 😉

Also, my husband (who did this training shortly after his company got bought by an American company and before they realised it had limited geographic relevance) wants to know whether you escaped, and if so, are you keeping your methods secret *just in case*?

Makes you wonder who the real patients are. Sorry I laughed my ass of.I lost two pounds by doing so. If I laugh a little more I can hide in a letter.
How serious can one person get with this.
Damn give me a rubber gun and i show a killing. It is a clown. at the door. RUN

I know! I asked about that, actually, when they were going to have a 2nd drill (that got canceled because of the mania)– like… are we allowed to fight back for real? I mean… if it’s a drill and all and we are meant to act it out like a real life situation…

The more I talk about it… the more I realize… I do too! I made need to rearrange my mini fridge and this big ugly bookshelf I have in my office. A little bit of cardboard, maybe some sofa cushions and voila! My own fort of survival.

LOL Love it! Hide from someone!? Does the time I had to run away from the crazy ex-boyfriend because he was screaming at me because I jammed the key in his car’s ignition so hard it STUCK & the car wouldn’t turn off count?? It started out as a bitch-fest because he HATED that I didn’t drive & had never owned a car. He purposely parked his car crooked before our evening out so he could tell me to fix it. After an eternity of put-downs because I DIDN’T WANT TO, I jammed the key. During the verbal attack that ensued, I ducked & ran to HIS buddy’s house, where his fiancee had to hide me in a back room because Crazy came for help. The car was STILL running 3 blocks away but the nut just HAD to spend 5 minutes cursing me out in Greek & complaining to the friend about the situation at hand. I was almost discovered when I bent over to hide my giggling & knocked over a box of tissues. On the less than pleasant bus-ride home, I was enlightened as to the capacity for text and voice messages in my old Sony Ericsson cellphone. The End. 🙂

LMAO! My girlfriend used to say “He’s a treasure, Lorien – LET’S BURY HIM!!” (among other things). Oh, and he’s still single! Sooo many stories and I’m sharing a little of that on the blog in the next 2 weeks (its scheduled for April 5th, I think!).

Yeah. I’d be ALL about saving my own ass, in a situation like that. So, tuck in the cardboard, ladies. Just don’t block the fire escape…

Seems like they’d be better off spending the time running timed trials at getting everyone to the escape door and down the stairs, but that’s just *me*. This is part of why I love living in Idaho, where it’s never surprising to see men (and women) packing. Everywhere.

First let me get this out of the way – clowns terrify me so if someone conducted a drill using a clown costume a banana and a whistle they’d end up dead or I’d end up admitted to your hospital – maybe you could visit.

Second I’ve always heard that people fall into basically two categories in a fight – they freeze and move back or they don’t even think they just attack full on. I’m one of the second but it didn’t help when I was stalked for over a year and then assaulted (the police could help me then!!!) so I went to self defense training and REALLY liked it. So next thing I know I learning martial arts that are both defensive and offensive styles and wow I never realised just how much fun it was to kick the ass of someone who tops you by foot and weighs two of you – very satisfying (that really doesn’t sound good does it – oh well).

So now I’m one of those odd few who leap into the fight the moment the first aggressive move is made (that is if I’m cornered – I’m all for running or hiding as plan a & b) and actually have the ability to back it up. Of course after something like that happens I have a complete meltdown, shaking, weak legs the whole bit. (found that out one night when violent ex of friend trapped us outside our house – didn’t he get a surprise).

That is why if I’d have been there for your shooter drill the clown would have bought it unless the banana shot anything other than smoothies.

Okay, we officially have to swap stories, regarding the year of stalking… I have another set of stories that aren’t related to this most recent psycho ex and are (at least in my opinion) much creepier and freakier. They put me on a whole other plane as far as reacting to threats of violence. Suffice it to say, I very much relate to all of what you just said.

Yeah – hyper vigilance is me – well I’ve learned to relax under certain conditions and what I mean by relax is that at home my reaction to sudden noises or someone coming up behind me without letting me know is more defensive than offensive (which my husband greatly appreciates).

While not ‘happy’ to swap stories am more than willing and interested but not sure if this would be the best spot – it’s up to you. I won’t post details on my blog as some of the info would be recognizable to others and I would prefer to not bring it into what I’m doing now. It has the potential to take over due to some of the circumstances. I do mention being assaulted but that is as far as I have really taken it at U & U. Sounds a bit dramatic I guess but honestly it is complicated for a number of reasons. On another space and in another setting it wouldn’t be too obvious – goddess that sounds like I’m some paranoid freak BUT lessons learned so to speak.

I’m sorry you’ve had such darkness in your life especially if what you went through previously is worse than the recent things you have written about. Do ever get the feeling you were like Ponitous Pilate (don’t know how to spell that) or Nero or something in a previous life and now it seems it’s time for a little karmic payback. Mostly my life has been good but the bad has been epically and spectacularly awful.

Let me know what you think if you want to chat or swap info – it is nice to know I’m not the only one ready for imminent battle at any and all times.

I don’t think you sound paranoid at all and I totally understand– I hope I didn’t sound like I was overly prying :-/ There’s some weird appeal to finding people who can relate to these things sometimes. Maybe it’s good just to know that we are out there– even though that’s also kind of a sad thought at the same time.

As far as karma– that’s a funny theory, maybe I did do some terrible things in my past life! I agree with you though– my life has a lot of abundance and good, so to speak, but when things are bad they don’t mess around– they get as bad as it could go. We definitely are not the only ones who feel this way.

Yeah but not for what he did in this state – here he just seemed to drop off the radar. It was on the other side of the country they got him. Same vic type but different setting and hunting ground. Here he road the trains until finding what he wanted, proceed to stalk and harrass without leaving any clue to who he was other than what he looked like and when enough fear had been induced – snatch, grab and dump. The awful thing was he was active on the lines and they had people riding to see it they could spot anything but didn’t issues warnings etc. When I first reported the harassment nothing was said about it so I thought it was your garden variety stalker perv – well that was wrong. I don’t think the police dept. talked to each other or if they just decided not to tell and simply advised changing my transport to and from work. I don’t think I’ll ever know really but I do know it would have changed a lot to have that info.

Sweet white and curly blonde hair baby Jesus! Tell me that you are making this up. Please tell me that that woman do not exists, because if she does, I want to meet so badly!
I seriously wanna meet, I wanna talk to her, get a picture with her.
“You know, we had an active shooter drill on Monday,” she began, “and I died.”
I love it, it’s like a little kid.
In Spain I don’t believe drills exist, nothing happens in here, nothing at all. No hurricanes, no earthquakes, no mass killings, just stupid politicians, but no drill can prepare you for them.
I work for an American company, and you know, we try to import our craziness, but it doesn’t stick. First time my coworkers read an email about “Warnings when traveling to Morocco” they laughed at us.
They think I’m paranoid because I never open the front door of the building if I don’t see a clear ID, a mass murderer I say. They laugh.

You are so funny!!!! Seriously, your insights absolutely crack me up– though I’m a little jealous and want to move to Spain now 😉 I have to tell you– this woman is 1000% REAL. I wouldn’t lie to you guys! It’s too ridiculous to not be real life.

I think if a clown came after me, I might pee myself. And then I’d probably join your friend in the black cardboard fort. Though granted, she seems a bit too concerned about being killed by a banana so I may just take the fire escape and never eat bananas again.

Hahaha– I know. I can’t help wondering what any visitors or job applicants might have thought that day when everyone started scampering off and then this clown showed up with his lethal banana. Not exactly the impression we want to leave!

I’ve heard that nutjobs with guns always take the time to gaze into a room and analyze any fabric jutting out from office furnishings that may look out of place.

That chick definitely put far too much thought into her little plan. Be advised, she probably has a binder/notebook with a long list of rules about her little hiding spot. Seriously. Ask her.

“Before I commit to hiding out with you in your bunker/fortress of funk, are there any rules/regulations I should be aware of. IS there a bunker agreement in place? Do I need to sign anything? Will I be responsible for bringing my own supplies or will you have that all taken care of?”

Well, this is certainly a new take on the survivalist theme. Actually, if she dug a pit at the entrance to her office, filled it with sharpened stakes, and then covered it with a thatched grass mat, she’d have a fighting chance.

Are you certain that she wasn’t a patient and not an employee? On the plus side, you needn’t worry about her being a threat to steal your job anytime soon.

The loveliest part of writing about my job is how difficult it is to differentiate the staff from the people we serve 😉

And! Why haven’t I thought of this! We shouldn’t be running or building fortresses, we ought to be booby trapping our offices! *slaps forehead* I’ve been to CuChi in Vietnam, where the Viet Cong resided and had all their Anti-American death traps, I could take a lesson from their book…

Never gotten worked up over this stuff, it’s just way to theoretical, and in Canada we don’t have many concealable guns… we just usually have hairy fits over office ergonomics and early FedEx pick-ups. It’s very stressful. Stressful enough that I may go buy a clown outfit AND a banana.

You will probably live longer than the rest of us by virtue of the fact you don’t spend time stressing over “what could be.” Hairy fits over office ergonomics sounds like some sort of short film that would be shortlisted for a lot of awards.

This makes me think of the time that the apartment community that I worked at was shut down by the SWAT team for a gunpoint hostage situation. I was a leasing consultant at the time, so was always calling my boyfriend telling him I’d be home late because a customer had shown up late. This night I had to call him to say that I would be late because the SWAT team wasn’t letting anyone into or out of the property. “No biggie, I’ll be home once they clear this pesky little situation up. Kisses!!”

I would be the most awful lookie-loo in a situation like this, I just have to admit it. The SWAT team trains in one of our old buildings and I’m so tempted to hide in there– which has to be the worst idea anyone has ever had.

No, I think that Miley’s debacle with Robin Thicke was the worst idea that anyone has ever had. Your idea of spying on the SWAT team seems completely reasonable!
We couldn’t even try to see what was going on in the hostage situation. They put us to work! They stationed me at the front entrance of the property to ward off the media. Clearly I was hoping that I’d be discovered by the news people and end a famous Bravo housewife.

They can happen anywhere! This particular one was at the apartment community that I worked at in Framingham back in 2004 or 2005. LOTS of things happen at apartment communities because you have 1000 or more people at any given time and someone is always bound to be doing something crazy.

I know, but I think I’d have to start an anonymous one for that so I could really let loose. Residents have enough reasons to despise their property manager that they don’t need one hatin on them on their blog! I mean, for God’s sake isn’t it bad enough that I make them pay rent? For the apartment that they rent from me? That they signed a lease for, which states that they have to pay money? Every month?

Wow. She’s kooky, but sounds like she’s got it all figured out! Though maybe your work needs to check on employees’ mental stability before springing a drill on them? 🙂 I have made zero preparations for any kind of survival situations. I will die. That is all.

It really is quite funny/sad how little emphasis is put on the mental health of the people who are working here– theoretically carrying for people with mental health issues.
Don’t die! We can team up for the zombie apocalypse. Are you good at navigating? That’s what I need in a teammate. I’m good at sneaking about without getting caught. . .

It’s very true that the true people to fear are the ones whom we share office space with… A coworker and I have a pact that if either of us ever experiences any health issues (heart attack, seizure, whatnot) that we will NOT alert any of our doctors and nurses but will drag the other to the (very) nearby normal hospital. This place is just too frightening to imagine relying on anyone to take care of you properly.

A lot of people in mental health need the help themselves – well, at least my psychiatrist certainly does. We had an actual suspected shooter on campus and we locked it down but everyone pretty much ignored it, even with the blaring “Lockdown, lockdown, lockdown” coming from the speakers. I think most of the staff and students would need an actual gun aimed at their heads to take any action whatsoever. So at least your weirdo employee was forming a plan! A fort is always a good thing to have in case of a shooter. Especially if he is armed with pillows.

Seriously, if I’d been consulted on this whole office fort plan I would have asked the important questions: Where are the pillows? What is a quiet alternative to popcorn?

That’s crazy that no one went into lockdown mode. A similar thing happened on my campus and everyone FREAKED. That entire portion of the city shutdown, there were helicopters and SWAT and everyone. It ended up being a construction noise 😉 Better safe than sorry though, I guess!

The story behind that one is just nuts. I wrote about it in my blog at some point. The shooter turned out to be some idiot and his friends trying to fake a robbery at Subway across from the university and the police station – at 3 pm in broad daylight.

well I kinda feel her :p a while ago, after watching 28 weeks later in the dark on my own, I spent the next day sussing out where I would hide in my apartment in the likely event of the zombie apocalypse. I settled on the upper shelf of a (large) kitchen cupboard – there just wasn’t a better choice. If only I’d thought of duct tape!

I feel like Australia and NZ is the best place to be if/when the Zombie apocalypse strikes, so you’re already ahead of the game!

I love that you watched a scary movie alone, in the dark. I totally make similar decisions and then immediately have to come to terms with the fact that I’m too scared to live. I’m glad we share this 😉

Lol this was too much! It amazes me how seriously she took the situation – and how quickly she would have died had there been a real shooter situation.

I’ve never had to hide from someone, thankfully. Well, okay, that is actually a lie. Once my ex fiancé from 9 years ago wouldn’t stop following me around college, since he was in denial about the fact that I really didn’t want to marry him. One night after a late class, he was sitting at a table just outside of my room… waiting for me. My classmate and I ran for it. It was actually pretty scary, because he had already made threats to install a car bomb in my new boyfriend’s car. It was certainly intense.

So….I wonder what she would do to cover up the smell! I mean after all if you use the trash cans as a toilet wouldn’t the bad guys be able to smell that and find you THAT way?? Just sayin….. LMAO! (hola Miss Aussa, I have missed you 🙂

Right? The fortress is incomplete without some Febreze or Poo-pouri! It’s really a landslide now, and by the time she’s finished incorporating all the necessary bits her fortress will probably include a fireman’s pole and a compost bin.

As sad as that is, your telling of it is hilarious Aussa. I’ve never had a situation where I’ve been hunted, thankfully. However, I do have a short story about training for a disaster. I used to haul for a trucking company that had a contract with the American Navy to supply their Naval Base in Argentia Newfoundland from the Norfolk Base. I was only 21 at the time and awestruck that I was hauling for the American Navy. My first trip with a Naval load, I arrived in Argentia in the morning after drivng all night across Nfld. I was greeted at the gate by guards with machine guns, my paper work was inspected, then I was directed to the warehouse where the load would clear Canadian Customs (it travelled through Canada under customs seal which had to be broken by a Candian Customs Officer before it could be unloaded). I went inside and was greeted by the Customs Officer who introduced himself as Fred. His first question was “Have you ever been on this base before?” When I answered in the negative, Fred announced that I had to have a quick training session before we could unload. I paid rapt attention – after all this had to be important. Fred then launched into an explanation of the danger of a Nuclear attack and how critical this base was (it is a SOSUS listening post that watches for enemy submarines) and given that it would likely be amongst the primary targets in the event of war. He was very convincing. He then handed me a short typed sheet that listed a variety of warning sirens and the meaning of each. He pointed out that an eminent nuclear attack was annouced by a high continuous siren. He then asked if I knew what steps to take in case I heard that siren. When I replied in the negative (and felt ashamed that I didn’t know such obviously important information), he explained; “First, you move all the furniture in the room back against the walls.” I wasn’t sure why but there seemed to be a lot here I didn’t understand and I certainly wasn’t going to shame myself by asking. Fred continued: “And then you place one chair in the center of the room.” I’m leaning forward in my seat now sure I am about to hear a great, important secret. And then Fred finishes:”You sit in that chair, bend over, put your head between your legs…and kiss your ass good-bye.”

At which point he burst out laughing. Turns out this little act was a favorite of Fred’s that he played out for each new driver in order to amuse himself.

There was a rapist on the loose in my neighborhood and I heard my back door open slowly. Instead of hiding, like a smart person would do, I came barreling out of my room like a crazy person yelling, “get the fuck out of my house!!!” Turns out the last person on the deck didn’t close the door all the way and our cat decided to take in some night air. I spent 20 minutes explaining to Anna why in that situation the word “fuck” is appropriate. Can’t wait for that note to come home from the school…

Haha! I love that you went running after them! I know it’s terrible advice to give, but I do wonder whether that might not be at least a little effective… I mean, surely you have the element of surprise on your side. I’ve thought about this more than I should admit.

Late to the party, sorry……Um, I have all sorts of escapes and plans made that are extremely flexible and cover a lot of “what-ifs”……but your coworker sounds uh….NOT O.K. and you gotta wonder.
With my EXTREME hatred and distrust of clowns, I would have done violent and over the top things to someone even in a drill situation….

Clown costume, person IN costume, banana, and whistle would have been in different positions/places if you catch my drift, and no doubt destroyed or at least rendered unusable.

I know– I feel like they were putting that clown in a lot of potential danger. Don’t they know how many things in an office can be used to maim and injure? Everything is a weapon if you hold it correctly…

I swear. This put me over the edge into manic mascara running laughter. A clown with a banana and a whistle. Lawd help me. I couldn’t even explain it to hubbin after my 10 minute spaz out if I tried. He was wise not to ask I reckon.

I worked at a large high school, so I’ve been through lock-downs, both real and drills. The real ones bring an incredible clarity of thought, especially when you’re responsible for a half-dozen teenagers. They all thought it was hilarious and kept me up to date as kids in other parts of the campus posted to twitter and snapchat about where the shooter was. They all had better cell reception than I did. Fortunately for me, one of the baseball players routinely left his bat-bag with me until practice (at the end of the day). As I’ve always been able to bat both left and right, that bat-bag gave me comfort. I am fairly certain all the other secretaries would die – no bat-bags.

That is so frightening. My job has taken me into public schools several times in the last few months and I always think about gun violence when I’m walking in… which is really a horrible association to have with a school. I can’t imagine having to go through something like that with students– though the Twitter and Snapchat thing is hilarious. BUT! When we had a shooting at my university (after I graduated) twitter was the first place I went for updates.

Yeah, school should be a place of safety and learning, rather than fear and potential danger. Or constant testing.
Make sure you remain “situationally aware” by knowing where the exits are at all times, and be mindful that any kind of office supply can be a weapon. Staplers, scissors, fax machines, anything you can pick up and throw. This is what my most recent training taught me, as well as using a zip tie to freeze the big top door hinge locked, and how to break out a window if necessary. This is what our gun-happy society has wrought. (And I routinely trolled Twitter for signs of imminent fights on campus – of which there were many, so I do love me some Twitter.)

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