Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond has revealed that Scotland will go to the polls in October next year to vote upon whether they should commit collective suicide.

‘Autumn is the season for sadness and melancholy,' said Mr Salmond with unusual cheeriness ‘so it seems appropriate that we should choose this date to cut off our life support system and see how long we can breathe on our own before the inevitable.’

‘The national genocide referendum will be decided by a simple majority vote, confirmed Mr Salmond, adding ‘and to avoid accusations of infanticide, we’ve lowered the voting age to allow children to vote too.’

I won't be swallowing the juicy worm on the end of your line Messrs D & S, but in response to blap, it's not a case of 'joining' the EU, but of retaining membership as a separate member state. And no, I won't be dragged into a discussion on the legalities or otherwise of that either.

The thing is, the whole 'European integration' thing, that's happened already, more or less, and is one of the basic principles of the EU.