Step 1. Before you follow the steps in this guide, you should already have developed a euphemism for It. You have created this term because you can't think of a better term to signify the virulent explosion of emotions It conjures up. To others, this term is a shoddy attempt at non-description: a means of tying It up in a neat little package from which it cannot escape. Only you will know the difference.

Step 2. Your next step is to tell somebody about It, preferably a close friend or relative. You will describe It in colorful detail. You will attempt to impart on the other person the depth to which It has affected you. The other person will tell you they are very sorry It has come into your life, but that you must make every effort to stop thinking about It. Your next task is to follow this person's well-meant advice.

Step 3. Devote your energy to not thinking about It. Let your mind invoke whatever outlandish image it sees fit: It in a blue tutu, It sitting on a see-saw, It making a slow ascent on a see-saw that sits on the back of a orange and blue spotted elephant named Eleanor. It turning into a giant tulip that's leaves stretch to Saturn. It. It. It.

Step 4. Now is the time to realize that your every attempt at diversion has failed. Every image you've created to distract yourself from It includes It in some way. You rummage for an It-free thought, but your brain will not cooperate. Now it's time to create a Rescue Thought.

Step 5. Create your Rescue Thought. This thought will act like a mantra. Every time you think thoughts of It, you will force yourself to think this pre-decided thought instead. A spider monkey, for example. Every time you think of It, you are to make yourself think of spider monkey. Put this guide away and test your mantra.

Step 6. If you are still consulting this guide, step five has presumably failed. You are still thinking about It. Even the spider monkey cannot help you. You should talk to your friend again.

Your friend will suggest therapy. If you do not decide to follow your friend's advice, you will go on trying to forget It. Periodically, you will feel compelled to consult your friend about It, but your friend will become exhausted with you and may end your relationship. If, however, you have decided follow your friend's advice, move on to step seven.

Step 7. Try a therapist, or pick up a self-help book. You will now spend much of your time exploring It and its effects on your fragile psyche. You will spend even more time learning about how these effects make you an Unproductive and Undesirable member of society. Your insistence on talking about It makes people uncomfortable, and your therapist will say that dwelling on It is almost as bad as It itself. Your therapist will then suggest ways of dealing with It so that nobody except you will ever know you are dealing with It. Move on to step eight.

Step 8. At this step, you have come to a turning point in your therapy. You should now have realized that the goal of your therapy is not to rid your mind of It, neither is your therapy a means of easing the insurmountable distress It causes you. Instead, the goal of your therapy is to get you to stop talking about It. If you are able to function without anybody else being subjected to it, you are as good as cured.

Step 9. You will now shut up about It. You will make no mention of It to anyone. You will give no indication that It is, or ever has been, a part of your life.

It has become X.

People will start to like you again. Your friend will congratulate you on your courage in facing X. You will go on about your day and appear cheerfully unaffected. You will be rewarded every time you do not talk about X with smiles and nods of approval. Soon, everyone will forget about X. You will still think about X, of course, but this should not matter to you. You have achieved the ultimate goal of erasing X from everyone else's memory and you should congratulate yourself knowing that you have successfully kept X under the public radar.

Step 10. Caution: One day, you are bound to run into someone who has just experienced X. When this happens, you are free to consult with this person about X, just as your friend or relative has consulted you. Mind, however, the temptation to slip back into your old habits of talking about X. It is now your duty as a Productive and Desirable member of society to teach the affected individual not to talk about X. If your newly acquired disciple follows the above steps correctly, he or she, like you, will soon be on their way to never discussing X again. When this happens, you and your devotee should give yourself a congratulatory pat on the back. Through the mere act of not talking about X, you have virtually eradicated X from civilization. Good work. :) X is now safely quarantined inside you.

Now, it is up to you and everyone else who goes through X now or in the future to insure X never escapes, thus rendering X incapable of causing any more harm.

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