Whilst being in the depths of my depression and feeling the pain from Fibromyalgia, I’ve had no means of real escape, or anyone to whom I could really talk to, or even understand a part of what I was going through. I have been very much alone with my illnesses mentally, physically and emotionally, and writing this blog is part of my healing process.
Writing this is so important for me, and I hope by doing so, some readers may identify with what I have to say. Sx ☺

Wednesday, 17 February 2016

It's okay to fall apart.

Reading back over my last few posts, I guess I have mentioned that I felt
like I was going down again. I've had a lot on my mind, and also had a
lot of little battles that I needed to fight in my head.

Now being a true Cancerian, I have always been a good shoulder to cry or
lean on for others, but I have never found anyone who could do that for me.
I suppose the way I see it, is that if someone is coming to me for help
or guidance, how can they provide me with what I need? I.e. if I am a
rock, then surely I need someone who is a bigger and stronger rock. I do so
hope that makes sense, but anyway, I digress.

So throughout
my life, whenever I am in a mess, angry or trying to figure something out etc,
I will generally withdraw back into the quiet of my shell, where I will then
bash it out; only when sorted, will I re-emerge with a clear and decisive head.
Doing this and writing this blog etc, has usually worked for me, and the
process can take anything from a couple of hours to a couple of weeks.
Sometimes it may bring tears, but it always brings serious thought, and
as a result I will always trust my gut instincts before anything else.

A lot of
things have been getting me down lately, some things I have mentioned in
previous posts, but I am pleased to say that I have reached a kind of
conclusion.It suddenly hit me the
other day that I hadn’t really fully appreciated what’s been going on in my
life, or the pressure that I have been struggling with for the past 8
years.

I have almost
been in denial about my health, putting it on a back burner, whilst focusing on
other things.Presumably because I
thought they were more important, how wrong I was…So up until now, I still hadn’t given myself the time or
permission to be ill, but then neither did anyone else.

I think for
the first time, in a long time, I understand why I need to be kind to
myself.Only now, thinking about
the enormity of my struggles, I see why I have slowly deteriorated both
mentally and physically over the last few months.I can see, how I have kept up the pretense in front of other
people, letting them think that things were much better, than they actually
were, I guess in the long run, it took less energy.They don’t get that when I step outside, I automatically put
on a really brave face, just to be as normal as I can, I don’t really want to
draw attention to myself.Because
that then involves many questions, suggestions, solutions and so on, and so on,
too often from people that really don’t want t know.Even when those questions are answered the asker is still left
puzzled, and it is extremely exhausting for me.

My old friend
depression has come to visit again, not that it ever left, I had just
squirreled it away somewhere, in order to do what needed to be done.New pains have been creeping in all
over my body, and I am just so exhausted every single day.My thermostatic controls have gone
haywire, and I find myself suddenly soaked in sweat, even though I am feeling
freezing cold.My sleep is so
disturbed that I can’t count of the number of times I wake up throughout the
night.So every morning, it feels
like I haven’t slept at all, and so the cycle continues…

I feel like a
battered and broken woman.There
are not many places left on my body that don’t hurt, there are no such things
as good days anymore, they are either bad days or worse ones.I am actually overwhelmed by the amount
and level of pain that I had no choice but get used to and accept.I have had to learn how to read my
body, and know when it’s time to stop and do nothing but rest, but that doesn’t
stop my mind from going into overdrive.

I have no idea
what, why or how this horrible condition fibromyalgia all got triggered
off.I keep racking my brain,
dredging up old memories, just trying to identify that one thing that caused me
enough stress to kick-start this illness.

Lately, I must
confess, I have felt a little sorry for myself, and for the life I no longer
have.I don’t dwell there too
long, there would be no point, and it hurts too much.Accepting acceptance is an incredibly difficult thing to do,
but it is the only way that I can move on.Only within these walls, can I really be myself, but believe
me I am not easy taskmaster, and will still frequently chastise and push myself
far to much, only because I refuse to give in to it.

A lot of
things disappeared from my life, mainly the things that I really enjoyed, and
used as a form of expression, they were for a while replaced with much darker
things.For quite a long time, my
only real joy was with my little pooch Lulu, she has given me so much.But now, I have my art and creativity
back on board, and I feel an awakening.It’s something for me to do and get lost in, while I continue to bash
things out in my head.

This is an
important part of my journey, this is the stage where I have to let go, be they
harmful thoughts, feelings people or things.This is the stage where I really do start my new beginning,
so it a necessary step to revisit hidden things from my past, and be done with
them for once and for all; otherwise, I will remain standing still.

It does feel
like I have a big dark cloud hanging just over my head, going wherever I go,
but I know that this will not always be the case.So for now, I will continue to search my soul for the
answers that will get me out of here.

Depression is
still such a dirty word to some, yet pretty much everyone’s lives have probably
been touched by it.There is still
this weird stigma attached to it, even though it is such a common illness.At some point we have all experienced
it, but the less fortunate suffers even with medication can feel it for years,
it can become a very debilitating condition; and not one you can just ‘brush
off’.

I have every
reason to be depressed, it is only natural considering my daily issues, I am
sure if I felt no pain I would be so much happier and have a fuller life.But as that is not going to
happen, I will remain determined that I will find my way through this…Sx