All of us have negative thoughts. And we have “lots of them,” writes professor Mark Reinecke, Ph.D, in his book Little Ways to Keep Calm and Carry On: Twenty Lessons for Managing Worry, Anxiety and Fear. And all of us worry about the same things, everything from work and school to health and relationships. What separates an anxious person from a calm one isn’t the content of their thoughts, it’s the connotation.According to Reinecke, “The types of intrusive, negative thoughts that anxious, worried people experience differ little, however, from the thoughts of nonanxious people. The difference is in the meaning given to the thoughts.”If you’re a worrywart, or especially anxious, you might think, “This thought is awful. I shouldn’t be thinking this; I have to make it stop,” says Reinecke, a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences and chief of the division of psychology at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine.But, as he points out, the more we try to squelch a thought, the bigger and bothersome it becomes. So how can you deal with these kinds of intrusive, troublesome thoughts?In his book, Reinecke provides a collection of effective tools and strategies. Here are eight tips.1. Understand that a thought is just a thought.Instead of dwelling on your thoughts or trying to make them stop, disengage from them. “You can think of them as you would junk mail, telemarketers, or Internet pop-up ads – they’re annoying but unimportant.”Accept these thoughts, letting them float by, he writes.Secondary thoughts – such as “I shouldn’t be thinking this” – should be challenged. Write these thoughts down, evaluate them and determine if they’re accurate and helpful. If not, he says, disregard them.2. Engage in activities that give you a sense of accomplishment.No amount of worrying or ruminating will lead to a positive result. It only escalates your anxiety. Beating yourself up about having negative thoughts does the same.Instead, Reinecke suggests engaging in activities that refuel your brain, such as doing something constructive that gives you a sense of mastery. What activities give you a sense of “flow”?3. Spend time with loved ones.When they’re worried, many people tend to withdraw. But spending time with a sympathetic support system not only makes you feel better, but it also offers fresh perspectives and ideas, according to Reinecke.4. Keep the faith.“Spiritual experience, through prayer or meditation, can provide solace from life’s tribulations,” Reinecke writes. 5. Worry productively.Productive worry, Reinecke writes, helps you solve problems. Unproductive worry leads to solution-less rumination.Here’s how to make your worrying productive: Carve out a specific time each day that you’ll worry, such as 8:00 to 8:30 p.m., he says. Write down all your worries and concerns. Now feel free to ruminate.Then, at the end of your session, write down your response to this question: What is the solution or solutions?Next, engage in a relaxing or enjoyable activity. “Come back to your problems tomorrow at the same time.” Of course, some problems may not have solutions. If there’s nothing you can do, “disengage from it and let the worrisome thoughts float away.”6. Relax.“It’s very hard to be tense, anxious, or worried when you are physically relaxed,” Reinecke writes. To relax, he suggests trying the rag doll yoga pose:

Let your arms dangle. Let them gently sway from side to side. Perhaps shake them a bit. Let your neck and torso relax.

After a few seconds, slowly roll back up to a standing position.

Other calming options include: running, walking, swimming, dancing, taking a hot bath and practicing deep breathing.7. Examine your worrisome thoughts.One important point we tend to forget: Our thoughts are not facts. Reinecke suggests readers treat their thoughts like objects to be examined.For instance, explore your worry thoughts by answering these questions: “What’s the thing I most fear will happen? If this happened, what awful thing would it mean about me or my life? Why would this be so terrible?”Write down your responses verbatim. Then define each term. For instance, you might include words like “lost” or “failure.” What do these mean to you? (They likely mean different things to different people.)If you’re not sure about your core worries, try an exercise called the “downward arrow.” On a piece of paper, draw an arrow on the left side. At the top of the page, write down your most distressing thought. Then ask yourself: “And this would be a terrible thing because it means what?”Write down your response. Then ask the same exact question. Keep asking this question (and writing down your thoughts) until a theme emerges.8. Revise the worry thought.Anxiety – and worrisome thoughts – can make us feel very small. But the empowering thing is that we can change these distressing thoughts. Here’s how:

Write down the “evidence for” and the “evidence against” your thought. Try to be objective.

Is there another perspective? Usually, Reinecke writes, the evidence will be mixed. But is there a sliver lining? A lesson to be learned? An opportunity?

If your fear is true or if it does occur, would it be a problem in a year or in five years? “It’s important to keep problems, losses, and setbacks in perspective. Don’t magnify their significance.”

What action can you take to resolve the issue? Make a specific, concrete plan. Write the steps you’ll take to avoid the problem or manage it. Reinecke suggests considering questions such as when you’ll start and how you’ll navigate potential obstacles, if any.

Worry thoughts can dampen the joy in our days. They can amplify our anxiety and spike our stress. Fortunately, we have many tools to help us step off the hamster wheel of swirling worries, and solve our problems, relax and enjoy life.

** If you or someone you know is struggling with anxious or worrisome thoughts, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

Published by Mike Bundrant on PsychCentralNo one likes emotional pain, but some enjoy the fringe benefits.

The reason why we cling to unnecessary emotional pain has to do with taking unconscious pleasure in it. In other words, we unconsciously understand that it pays to suffer.

Over the course of a lifetime, the toll for this unconscious self-sabotage is high. The added stress of chronic emotional suffering robs you of both quality and quantity of life.

Most people would agree, consciously, that it is not worth it. The problem is, most of us harbor seductive unconscious attachments to emotional suffering that get the best of us.

The attachments have to do with taking refuge in emotional suffering. It’s a dangerous practice, because it makes emotional stress a way of life.

Here are eight statements that reflect this phenomenon:1. I may feel worthless, but at least I know nothing can be expected of me (relief, safety).

2. I may be angry, but at least it’s not my fault (self-justification, blame, innocence)

3. I may be anxious, but at least I have an excuse not to perform (emotional safety).

4. I may feel discouraged, but at least I don’t have to deal with the risk of success or failure. (emotional protection).

5. I may be standoffish, but it’s because other people are mean (and therefore, I am innocent).

6. I may feel jealous, but at least I am not a slut (I am better than).

7. I may be apathetic, but at least I am not stupid enough to believe that life has inherent meaning (intellectually superior).

8. I may be frustrated with you, but at least I get things done (not a slouch).

How is this above a reflection of emotional self-sabotage?It is self-sabotage because the negative emotions are not necessary. You don’t need to panic in order to manage expectations. You don’t need to be frustrated to get things done. You don’t need to be angry to hold others accountable. And so on.

We tell ourselves that these negative emotions are doing something for us so that we can hang on to them. We fool ourselves if we think they are necessary.

In fact, they are the least effective means of managing your life, expectations and dealing with challenges.

If you catch yourself in any of the above patterns, ask yourself:

What is a better way to handle this?

How can I manage this situation without getting upset?

How did I learn that becoming emotionally upset gets me what I want?

What do I really want and how I can I make it happen proactively?

Most of all, learn about self-sabotage. Understanding your unconscious emotional habits is a life changer.

** If you or someone you know is struggling letting go of emotional pain, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

Have you been feeling a little emotionally drained lately? Have you been finding yourself responding to the emergencies of others as if they are your own?

Perhaps you have been allowing someone to invade your space even though you are not quite comfortable. Maybe it’s time to look at whether you have healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are the limitations we set for ourselves and others. They can be both physical and emotional.

Fear and guilt are two main reasons people find it hard to set and stick to healthy boundaries. In some situations we may fear rejection or abandonment, so we conform or say yes to things we normally wouldn’t go along with. We may feel fear of confrontation; not wanting to argue or going along just to make things easier. We may also feel guilt as a result of saying no or hurting someone’s feelings.

Signs of unhealthy boundaries include sharing too much too soon or not expressing our needs at all. This often happens in relationships, whether they are old relationships or ones we are trying to cultivate.

For example, on a first date one may share everything about him- or herself – family history, favorite movies, plans for children, and all of the details about past relationships. On the other hand, one may not be able to get a word in due to excessive talking or questioning by the other person, but does not express the need to be heard.

It’s important to understand that boundary setting is not being rude, nor is it being difficult. When done in a positive and respectful manner, boundary setting increases our assertiveness and can be effective for both parties. It is never too late to learn how to set healthy boundaries. Here are a few tips to get you going in the right direction.

Decide what you want.The first step in setting a healthy boundary is identifying what is needed. This could be more space or less space, more attention or less attention. There is no right or wrong answer for this because it is what you desire.

Be firm.After deciding what you want, firmly set the boundary. Let’s say you are at work and your co-worker is always asking you to get their things from the printer. It’s not always convenient for you, but you do it anyway despite feeling used and annoyed.

The next time your co-worker asks you can be very firm and state something like “I feel that you don’t consider my feelings or my work when you ask me to get your things and expect me to do it. I’m not getting your things anymore because it is your responsibility.” This is an example of a good boundary. Feelings are appropriately expressed and you have stated what it is that you will no longer continue to do.

It is important that you remain calm and not justify or apologize for the boundary that you are setting. It is also important to remember that fewer words are usually more effective. Be clear and concise.

Remember you’re not responsible for the other person’s response.Set healthy boundaries for yourself and only yourself. Remember if you are respectful you are not responsible for the other person’s response. We are only responsible for ourselves.

Remember it’s a process.It is important to remember it is a process. We don’t develop unhealthy boundaries overnight, so we won’t develop healthy ones overnight either. It is a process that requires continuous work and willingness to learn and grow. Seek feedback and directions from others who have healthy boundaries. Value your feelings and know that you are worth it.

** If you or someone you know is having trouble setting boundaries, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

I’m a recovering people pleaser. Like many people (especially women,) I was raised to be “nice” and put others’ needs before my own. In my 20′s, I took care of everybody else. In my 30′s, I discovered my authentic self and realized that my own needs were not being met. In my 40′s, I have taken responsibility for creating positive shifts in my life through honest, clear and direct communication in my relationships, both personally and professionally. Still, this is a work in progress.The irony is that I used to invest so much more energy into pleasing others, and people actually seem to like me much more now that I don’t. My friend, Jennifer, is my personal hero/example for being authentic. I never have to worry that she is mad or I don’t know how she feels about me or our relationship because she says what she feels. This removes so much anxiety and promotes intimacy and trust. She is real and she is cool.We can all tell when there is a gap between what people are saying and how they actually feel (i.e. when somebody says, “Let’s do lunch!!” but you can feel her insincerity in your bones.) The incongruence between verbal and non-verbal communication or behaviors creates feelings of unease, mistrust, insecurity, anxiety and even paranoia (i.e. “Why didn’t she call? Doesn’t she like me? Was she lying?)Earlier in my practice, I had several clients tell me that I didn’t need to “sugar coat” the things I said to them. Even though my intention was to boost them up with positive affirmations before delivering difficult feedback, it actually created discomfort. I have since found my voice and learned to simply say what needs to be said without beating around the bush while remaining compassionate and kind. This is essential for building a strong, trusting rapport or relationship. It is a skill that needs to be practiced and developed. Being direct and assertive involves being honest and genuine while remaining appropriate, diplomatic and respectful of yourself and others. It is not passive (being a doormat or a wimp), passive-aggressive (indirect communication, like not returning calls or emails hoping somebody gets the hint) or aggressive (being hostile and rude.)Being direct often requires courage—the courage to be vulnerable and real.Situations in which it may be scary or difficult to be direct:

Fear of rejection, embarrassment, or not being liked (Do you really want to be liked for a false representation of yourself?)

Fear of hurting somebody (Ironically, not being direct is often more hurtful.)

Fear of appearing foolish by asking clarifying questions (There are no dumb questions and you will cause yourself undue anxiety by feigning understanding.)

The hope/fantasy that somebody is going to magically know what we want or need without us voicing it (This is a normal yet irrational wish.)

Why is it important to be direct?

It’s honest, truthful and authentic

Demonstrates respect for self and others

Builds integrity

Saves yourself and others time, energy and money

Promotes intimacy (You are letting people know the real you rather than presenting them with who you think they want you to be.)

Suggestions for being direct:

Scan your body and check in with the feelings you are holding inside. Make sure they are congruent with what you are saying. If your feelings are too intense to speak diplomatically, give yourself a “time out” to surf the waves of your feelings before opening your mouth.

Before speaking, take Buddha’s advice and ask yourself first, “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?” This will help you keep your ego in check and stop you from saying destructive things out of anger.

Keep it simple. Concise, clear, and brief is always better.

Speak in terms of “I” rather than “you” (“I need more physical affection” rather than “You don’t show me enough affection.”)

Focus on the behavior, rather than the person (“I need you to let me know when you’re running late because I worry” rather than “You are an insensitive ass.”)

Avoid “always” and “never” as they often are embellishments and will weaken your point.

Avoid triangulation and becoming triangulated by speaking directly to the source and not putting somebody else or yourself in the middle.

Choose to love yourself by saying, “no” as needed. Don’t over promise or over extend.

Whenever possible, say important things in person. Phone is second best, voicemail third. Avoid saying difficult things via email and text as much can be misinterpreted.

Mean what you say and say what you mean. The truth will set you free.

** If your or someone you know is struggling with assertiveness, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

Do you struggle with trust issues, even though you believe your partner has done no wrong?Emotional wounds from the past can have a way of sneaking into present relationships and wreaking havoc.We think we want to protect ourselves from getting hurt again. More often than not, protective actions only encourage more pain. We need to take conscious control of the issue.Here are five ways to overcome trust issues in your romantic relationship

1. Realize that in romantic relationships, trust should be earned, not given freely.In the context of romantic relationships, trust is earned, period. Don’t feel guilty about requiring someone to demonstrate their character and loyalty.In fact, be open about your requirement that your partner prove it. This will scare off the slime balls early in a relationship. At an appropriate time, just announce it.By the way, I only trust people who demonstrate, over time, that it is safe to do so.If a potential love interest shies away from this, then you may have just saved yourself some heartache. Trustworthy people don’t have a problem proving it.A lot of naïve people fall for “Don’t you trust me?” Trustworthy people don’t use that ploy. An acquaintance of mine used this on his worried wife when he tried to get her permission to go out with the boys to a strip club (I was not one of his “boys.”)2. Be honest.If you believe you have trust issues, then let your partner know. In all fairness, he or she is entitled to understand what is going on.When you tell the truth, you make sense out of the relationship and give your partner an opportunity to contribute to your healing.3. Own it. Don’t expect the other to make radical changes.Many with trust issues ask their partners to change their healthy behaviors to accommodate the trust issue. For example, one husband asked his wife “never to make any chit chat” with her personal trainer, who happened to be a man.This is an unrealistic request. It would be awkward not to return the small talk when spending 45 minutes with someone while doing something monotonous.When his wife could not comply in spite of wanting to please her husband, he demanded that she fire her trainer. Again, not reasonable. You shouldn’t expect your romantic partner to change her healthy and harmless behaviors to make you feel better, especially when it impedes her goals.Own your trust issues and allow them to motivate you to heal. Don’t expect others to live within the unreasonable limitations of an unfounded lack of trust.4. Be clear on the source of the problem and focus on healing.When you have unresolved hurt from the past that is impeding on your present relationship, then deal with the emotions in the proper context (which is NOT your present relationship).How are you hanging onto the hurt?What do you need to do or say or learn that would allow you to let go?Have you grieved your pain?Have you found someone to talk to that can help you heal?Is it your goal to let go, heal and trust again?5. Consider self-sabotage.Do not underestimate the power of self-sabotage in your relationship. Psychological attachments to negativity encourage us to dwell on the negative, accuse others, invite rejection, and generally feel deprived and out of control.Hanging onto past hurt and expecting more of it becomes a self-sabotaging, self-fulfilling prophecy.Learn about self-sabotage and how it can find its way into any aspect of your life.

** If you or someone you know is having difficulty with trust, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

Guilt is a basic human emotion that is both distressing and uncomfortable, yet is central in our development and daily actions. Adults get themselves into trouble when they become accustomed to ignoring feelings of guilt. Ignoring guilt can be unhealthy and can also lead to a significant amount of pain and regret. Teaching children to recognize feeling bad about something, being thoughtful, and acting on it, is a wonderful way to develop a responsible human being.We see this in young children; if a very young girl is playing with a doll and someone says “awe, you hurt your doll’s feelings”, you can see the girl feel badly and cradle the doll, or try to make the doll feel better. This is the beginning of feeling badly and acting to rectify it. At some point we begin to change our reactions to guilt depending on the types of situations we’re in, not always acting on it and sometimes ignoring it.1. Guilt can be one of the worst emotions to feel but is extremely useful for motivating moral actions and general decency. With children, there are three ways to develop their ability to utilize the guilt they feel. Acknowledge when you see the child feeling guilty, through body language, what they’re saying, or their actions. Label the guilt and ask the child to identify the source of it. Encourage the child to talk about how they’re feeling, and guide the child through potential options for correcting the situation. Options may be to learn from the situation so as to not do it again, to apologize properly, and/or to take away a lesson about life that can be used going forward. It could be a perfect time to encourage finding meaning in mistakes.2. Talk about times you have felt guilty. Describe what happened, how you felt, and what you did about it. Help the child to see this as a normal emotion and that is good to feel at times. Even better, you are modeling owning your behavior and acknowledging it instead of rationalizing away mistakes. It is not easy to be around an adult who avoids feeling guilty by blaming others and refusing to take responsibility. It is never too early to begin children on the path of being responsible for their own actions.3. Begin the discussion about taking personal responsibility, while making it clear that we should not feel responsible for anyone else’s actions. Guilt has the potential for ballooning out of control, with some feeling guilty about many things and stuck thinking about the past. Many adults feel badly about events that were completely out of their control. That type of guilt is not helpful, it only serves to stifle people and prevent growth. But, helping children to embrace guilt for what it is will be a skill they can carry with them throughout their lives.

** If you or someone you know is having trouble with guilt, contact Aspen Counseling Service to schedule an Initial Assessment.

Why do shopping addicts keep spending even in the face of harmful financial, emotional and social consequences?Approximately 10 percent of adults in Western countries are believed to have a compulsive spending disorder that leads them to lose control over their buying behavior — and the trend is on the rise, according to the new study from researchers at San Francisco State University.Shopaholics are addicted to buying things, regardless of whether they want or need them, the researchers noted.In a new study to be published in the Journal of Economic Psychology, the researchers say poor credit management and a belief that new purchases will create a happier life fuel compulsive buying.“Compulsive shoppers tend to be people who bury their heads in the sand and ignore the credit card bill,” said Ryan Howell, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at the university. “We also found that these individuals keep on buying because they are looking for that ‘buy high,’ hoping their purchases will lift their mood and transform them as a person.”“A lot of research has shown that shopaholics tend to have materialistic values,” he continued. “Our results explain why materialistic people shop compulsively.”Howell and his fellow researchers surveyed more than 1,600 people who answered questions about their money management, shopping habits and how much they value material possessions.Their analysis found that lack of money management predicted an individual’s compulsive spending, regardless of their personality, gender, age and income. In particular, out-of-control-shopping was primarily driven by poor credit management, such as not paying attention to credit card statements, not paying credit card bills on time, and exceeding credit limits, the study found.One reason why credit cards may facilitate compulsive shopping is because they allow consumers to separate the pleasure of buying from the pain of paying, the researchers postulate.In the study, compulsive shoppers reported that they bought items to “get a buzz” or put themselves in a better mood. They also believed the purchases could change their life, for example by transforming their appearance, self-confidence, reputation and relationships.“We know that a person’s values impact their shopping habits, but values aren’t the easiest thing to change,” Howell said.“Even if you are still materialistic and you have the desire to acquire more possessions, it’s how you manage your behavior that counts. Our findings suggest that you can keep your shopping under control by paying attention to your credit card and checking in with yourself about whether you are shopping for emotional reasons.”Howell and his graduate students continue to study compulsive buying and other consumer habits at their Beyond the Purchase website. On the site, members of the public can take free surveys to find out what kind of consumer they are and how their spending choices affect them.

** If you or someone you know is struggling with a shopping addiction, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Addictions Initial Assessment.

More parents need to talk with their teens about the dangers of abusing Ritalin, Adderall and other prescription drugs, suggests a new study that finds discouraging trends on kids and drug use.When teens were asked about the last substance abuse conversation they had with their parents, just 14 percent said they talked about abusing a prescription drug, said the report released Tuesday by The Partnership at Drugfree.org."For parents, it really comes down to not using the power they have because they don't think this is an immediate problem, meaning their own home, own neighborhood kind of thing," says Steve Pasierb, president of the partnership. "They believe that this is probably a safer way, not as bad as illegal street drugs."By comparison, most teens -- 81 percent -- said they have talked about the risks of marijuana use with their parents. Almost the same number said they have discussed alcohol with their parents. Almost one-third said they have talked about crack and cocaine.Some parents didn't see a significant risk in teens misusing prescription drugs.One-in-six parents said using prescription drugs to get high is safer than using street drugs, according to the survey. Almost one-third of the parents said attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) medications such as Ritalin or Adderall can improve a child's academic or testing performance even if the teen does not have ADHD.For Tracey and Jeff Gerl, of Cypress, Texas, their son's drug abuse problem was a shock."We just didn't know," said Jeff. He and his wife had the "drugs are bad" talk with their son, Nick, and thought he got the message. They called the parents of friends when he said he was spending the night to make sure an adult would be home. They tried to get to know his friends. Despite their efforts, Nick started smoking pot at the age of 12.In an Associated Press interview, Nick said he and his friends often raided their parents' medicine cabinets for anything they could get their hands on -- codeine, Xanax, Ritalin. Some kids, Nick said, would have "skittles parties," in which the teens threw all the pills they poached from home into a big bowl, mixed them up and then took a few without knowing exactly what they were ingesting.By 14, Nick's parents knew something was wrong. The day before he turned 15, they sent Nick to The Center for Success and Independence in Houston for 7-1/2 months of substance abuse treatment. It wasn't easy on anyone in the family -- Nick, his two younger brothers and his parents. Nick tried to escape twice, but made it through the program and has been sober now for a year."My family life is a lot better. I'm realizing there are fun things in life that I can do sober," said Nick, now 16. "I got a chance to get clean and I have my whole life ahead of me."One-in-four teens in the study said they had misused or abused a prescription drug at least once. That's up sharply, a 33 percent increase, in the last five years. One-in-eight teens report misusing or abusing the drugs Ritalin or Adderall --; stimulants prescribed to treat ADHD. Other national studies also have seen a rise in abuse numbers for these stimulants among teens.The partnership's Pasierb says parents need to talk early and often with their children about the dangers of drugs, including prescription drugs. "They need to tell their children that this isn't healthy for you and it will break my heart if you do this."Looking back, Tracey Gerl says she should have listened to her gut more when she first suspected Nick might be using drugs."If it doesn't seem right, it's not," said Gerl. "Don't ever be naive to think it's not my kid."The partnership's study was sponsored by the MetLife Foundation. Researchers surveyed 3,884 teens in grades 9-12 with anonymous questionnaires that the youngsters filled out at school from February to June 2012. The teen sample has a margin of error of plus or minus 2.1 percentage points. For the adults, the sample was 817 for surveying conducted from August to October 2012, with a margin of error of plus or minus 3.4 percentage points.Based in New York, The Partnership at Drugfree.org is formerly The Partnership for a Drug-Free America. The nonprofit group launched its new name in 2010 to position itself as more of a resource to parents and to avoid the misperception the partnership is a government organization.

** If you or someone you know is abusing Prescription Drugs, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Addictions Initial Assessment.

By Therese J. Borchard Associate Editor at PsychCentralThe line between codependency and compassion can be fuzzy because the intentions of both appear the same. However, while compassion promotes effective communication and mutual respect, codependency destroys the foundation of healthy relationships.If you are confused, as am I much of the time, as to which activities belong in which category, here are a few questions to ask yourself to determine if you are acting with compassion or codependency.1. What are your intentions?The word “compassion” is derived from Latin roots meaning “co-suffering.” Compassion goes beyond the emotion of empathy (ability to feel another’s pain) to actively want to alleviate another’s suffering. The intentions are motivated by love and selflessness. The underlying motive of codependency, on the other hand, is that of self-protection. The codependent person needs to be needed and is pursuing acceptance and safety. She often takes on the role of a martyr or a victim, and makes it about herself. In that way, codependent activity — although seemingly charitable — is closer to selfish than selfless.2. How do you feel, emotionally and physically?Because codependency is a form of addiction – relationship addiction – it generates the hangover feeling that most addictions leave you with and deteriorates emotional and physical health. Compassion, on the other hand, promotes general health and well-being. In fact, recent studies show that compassion makes us feel good in a variety of ways. It activates pleasure brain circuits, secretes the “bonding” hormone oxytocin, slows down our heart rate, makes us more resilient to stress, and boosts our immune system.3. Do you value the other person more than yourself?Both compassion and codependency may involve attending to others’ needs. At times this requires personal sacrifice. However, a compassionate person continues to care for himself in the process; he or she never abandons himself in order to take care of another. A codependent person, on the other hand, discards his or her own needs, replacing them with the needs of the other person. Then he becomes bitter, resentful, and frustrated when there is nothing left for him at the end of the day.4. Do you feel like you have a choice?Codependent persons don’t have a choice — or at least they feel as though they don’t — in taking care of another person. There is an exaggerated sense of responsibility, a fear of abandonment by the other person if they don’t pull through. They are not performing free acts of charity as a compassionate person does. They are imprisoned by a sense that something terrible will happen if they don’t attend to another’s needs and do whatever they need to do to enable behavior, even if they acknowledge that it is destructive.5. Is the relationship healthy?Compassion strengthens the fibers of a relationship. Acts of selflessness contribute to mutual appreciation, effective communication, trust, and other key ingredients of successful relationships. Codependency, on the other hand, deteriorates the foundation of relationships, causing dependency, jealousy, bitterness, destructive behavior, poor communication, and a host of other problems. Codependency is usually found in relationships that were dysfunctional from the start, where one or both people are involved in destructive and addictive behavior.6. Do you feel guilty?Unlike compassion, codependency is associated with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt is often the motivating factor for decisions and behaviors within the relationship, even though they don’t make any logical sense.Of course the distinction between compassion and codependency isn’t always so clear-cut. I think there are many moments in my day that I am acting with both: my intention to help morphs into my meeting a need of my own, or a charitable act becomes less about “co-suffering” than about enabling dysfunctional behaviors. As always, awareness of your actions is key to moving toward compassion.** If you or someone you know is struggling with codependency, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.

If you’re struggling with out-of-control anger, you may be wondering why your fuse is so short. Anger problems often stem from what you’ve learned as a child. If you watched others in your family scream, hit each other, or throw things, you might think this is how anger is supposed to be expressed. Traumatic events and high levels of stress can make you more susceptible to anger as well.In order to get your needs met and express your anger in appropriate ways, you need to be in touch with what you are really feeling. Are you truly angry? Or is your anger masking other feelings such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt, shame, or vulnerability?If your knee-jerk response in many situations is anger, it is very likely that your temper is covering up your true feelings and needs. This is especially likely if you grew up in a family where expressing feelings was strongly discouraged. As an adult, you may have a hard time acknowledging feelings other than anger.Clues that there’s something more to your anger

You have a hard time compromising. Is it hard for you to understand other people’s points of view, and even harder to concede a point? If you grew up in a family where anger was out of control, you may remember how the angry person got his or her way by being the loudest and most demanding. Compromising might bring up scary feelings of failure and vulnerability.

You have trouble expressing emotions other than anger.Do you pride yourself on being tough and in control, never letting your guard down? Do you feel that emotions like fear, guilt, or shame don’t apply to you? Everyone has those emotions, and if you think you don’t, you may be using anger as a cover for them.

You view different opinions and viewpoints as a personal challenge to you. Do you believe that your way is always right and get angry when others disagree?If you have a strong need to be in control or a fragile ego, you may interpret other perspectives as a challenge to your authority, rather than simply a different way of looking at things.

If you are uncomfortable with many emotions, disconnected, or stuck on an angry one-note response to everything, it might do you some good to get back in touch with your feelings. Emotional awareness is the key to self-understanding and success in life. Without the ability to recognize, manage, and deal with the full range of human emotions, you’ll inevitably spin into confusion, isolation, and self-doubt.Some Dynamics of Anger

We become more angry when we are stressed and body resources are down.

We are rarely ever angry for the reasons we think.

We are often angry when we didn’t get what we needed as a child.

We often become angry when we see a trait in others we can’t stand in ourselves.

Underneath many current angers are old disappointments, traumas, and triggers.

Sometimes we get angry because we were hurt as a child.

We get angry when a current event brings up an old unresolved situation from the past.

We often feel strong emotion when a situation has a similar content, words or energy that we have felt before.

** If you or someone you know is struggling with anger management, contact Aspen Counseling Services to schedule an Initial Assessment.