Friday Fun Stuff – 12-11-15

Hanukkah Song Part 4

Ali Gordon – “Borscht” (A Hanukkah Improv Song)

Reasons Hanukkah is Better Than Christmas

10. No roof damage from reindeer.
9. Never a silent night when you’re among Jewish loved ones.
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it.
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races.
6. You can use your fireplace.
5. Spin-the-dreidel games.
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah.
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth.
2. Cheer optional.
1. No Irving Berlin songs.

Office Christmas Party!

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols … feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis – Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis – Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this request, but, don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA Only,” you won’t be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis – Human Researchers Director

December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis – Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.”
Patty Lewis – Human Rat Racer

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold this party at Luigi’s Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the “grill of death,” as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell!

December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop – Acting Human Resources Director

The Eight Nights Of Hanukkah

On the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said,
You’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.

On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Have a few more latkes, but you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.

On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Here’s your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.

On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,

Taste my sugar cookies, here’s your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but
you’d better lose weight or you’ll be dead.

On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
Taste my sugar cookies, here’s your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.

On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Don’t you like the doughnuts?

YOU’RE GETTING FAT! Taste my sugar cookies, here’s your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.

On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Take another brownie,
YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
Taste my sugar cookies,
Here’s your chocolate dreidel,
Have a few more latkes, but
You’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”

On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Try my home-made strudel,
Take another brownie,
YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
Taste my sugar cookies,
Here’s your chocolate dreidel,
Have a few more latkes, but
You’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.

Chanukah Songs That Never Quite Caught On

Oy to the World
Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
Hava Negilah – The Megamix
Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Enough with those facackennah Jingle Bells Already… Sheez!
Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

If Hanukkah And Christmas Merged

Following the modern trend of huge company mergers, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge! A holiday industry leader said at an office party that the deal had been in the works for thousands years.

According to their press release, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah will benefit both sides. We will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the projected holiday is being called.

Some layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being let go first. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the drediel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider customer base .

While they were at it, the translating of “A great miracle happened there,” was changed to the more generic “Miraculous stuff happens.”

During the merger, it is believed that Jewish people will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the more pressing points that had been holding up the merger for the past 200 years was if Santa could have the milk and cookies after eating a hamburger.

Another breakthrough happened, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokeswoman for Christmas, wouldn’t speak on camera about adding Kwanzaa in the near future. She merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. She then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.”

Advice For Woman

ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man — unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon — they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander — it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same — they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
13. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
14. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Universal Truths According To Movies And Television

Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the refrigerator door and use that light instead.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames or explode.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a baseball stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the present day it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. It only wastes time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

Vegetarian – Defined

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter

You Might Be An Engineer if…

• the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work and you rush up to fix it
• you can remember seventeen computer passwords but not your anniversary
• you just don’t have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday
• you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
• you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
• your father sat 2 inches in front of your family’s first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
• you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
• your family haven’t the foggiest idea what you do at work
• you can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting
• people groan at the party when you pick out the music
• you can’t remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
• you did the sound system for your senior prom
• your checkbook always balances
• you’ve already calculated how much you make per second
• your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
• you wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
• you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
• you thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13″ were the mission controllers
• you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep
• you spend more on your home computer than your car
• you know what http:// stands for
• your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill Industries
• your favorite James Bond character is “Q” the guy who makes the gadgets
• you’ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
• you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
• you own an “Official Star Trek” anything
• your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
• your 4 basic food groups are:
1. Caffeine
2. Fat
3. Sugar
4. Chocolate

Supermodel Wisdom

ON BREAKTHROUGHS
“Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling.”
– Gabrielle Reece

ON EPIPHANY
“I just found out that I’m one inch taller than I thought.”
– Christie Brinkley

ON HEREDITY
“My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, ‘What if she’s ugly? You’re ugly.’”
– Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS
“It’s very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it’s not inspiring for your workout.”
– Cheryl Tiegs

ON INTRODUCTIONS
“I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself — it’s eerie.”
– Christy Turlington

ON COURTSHIP
“The soundtrack to ‘Indecent Exposure’ is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby.”
– Fabio

ON PARADOX
“Sometimes I get lonely, but it’s nice to be alone.”
– Tatjana Patitz

ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER
“I’ve looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It’s the same face.”
– Claudia Schiffer

ON TRAGEDY
“The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles — but I had on thick tights underneath.”
– Naomi Campbell

ON INSTINCT
“If I’m making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers.”
– Carol Alt

ON THE CASTE SYSTEM
“We’re not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don’t think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people.”
– Christie Brinkley

ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
“I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them.”
– Cindy Crawford