Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Astute readers of monthly movie waffle merchants Empire magazine cannot fail to have noticed that this year it celebrates 25 years of active service. Like a lady made of paper and words, Empire has been menstruating film chat every month for quarter of a century, and its menopause is, thankfully, nowhere in sight. Long may it continue to discharge the blood and mucosal tissue of its smart and witty reviews, exclusive features and crap photo captions into the sanitary towels of our eyes, and may it forgive this unpleasant metaphor which I began without fully realising the horror of its inevitable conclusion.

As far as I'm concerned, Empire is in fact a mere 22 years old, as I didn't start reading it until early 1992. I still remember the day Empire and I first met: bored shitless during my lunch break from a Saturday job at Lloyds Supersave chemists in my home town of Whitchurch, Shropshire, I ventured into WHSmiths in the hope of finding something to take my mind off an impending afternoon of stocking shelves with IZAL medicated toilet paper. Browsing the magazine rack, I was alarmed to be confronted by Kevin Costner gurning handsomely at me from the cover of Empire issue 32. I didn't care much for Costner at the time, so the thought of paying money for something with his face on it gave me pause, but I was a big film fan and it certainly appeared that this magazine might just have something about films in it.

I must have flicked through it in the shop, because nothing on the cover of that issue could possibly have convinced me to part with what probably amounted to half my weekly salary from Lloyds Supersave. Frankie & Johnny? BORING. JFK? BORING. I was 17 and excited about The Last Boy Scout and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, not free cardboard posters of two films I'd never even heard of. But inside were reviews of The Last Boy Scout and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, so while Empire may not have had me at "hello", it certainly had me at "take your shoes off and make yourself comfortable".

I've remained more or less faithful to Empire ever since, although I should confess that I've cheated on it with Total Film, Hotdog and Neon (the latter of which was by far its best companion and I mourn its loss to this day) for a while, and I downright deserted it for about six months some time in the late 1990s. I can't remember the cause of that temporary separation, but I'd stayed true throughout those long years of every article ending with a maddening ellipsis, so whatever it was must have been serious. Maybe it was those paltry three stars for The World Is Not Enough, so clearly a four-star film, right?

Shut up.

In 2009, faced with another house move involving lugging several tons of magazines from one postcode to another, I donated my 17-year collection of Empires to a recycling bin. It was a tediously practical decision, and while I don't regret it (I don't think I ever looked at an old issue once the new one came out), I do regret dumping issue 32. I could buy one on eBay for 99p but it wouldn't be the one I fondled so vigorously that Saturday lunchtime over a turkey sandwich and a cup of instant coffee that tasted like IZAL medicated toilet paper.

In my final year at university I had written to Empire's editor, Ian Nathan, asking for work experience on the magazine. I'd included my review of Ron Howard's Ransom, a piece of writing I now recognise as one of the most unpleasant things ever to happen to paper, and that includes IZAL medicated toilet paper. Mr Nathan, displaying the kind of judgement which has kept him at the magazine for so long, did not reply. But fifteen short years later I circumvented him by pestering reviews editor Nick de Semlyen to let me write short DVD reviews, and in issue 271 Empire and I finally consummated our relationship as I penetrated its pages with my three-star review of the home entertainment release of Mr Popper's Penguins. Movie journalism had entered a brave new era.

I dip my toe into this stinking cesspit of self-indulgence because, being old and grumpy, I don't get excited about much, but being even the tiniest of cogs in the Empire magazine machine gets me all sorts of tumescent. It's been such a constant part of my life for so long that I can't imagine being without it, so helping to make it (even if I'm only helping to make it worse) feels like an enormous privilege. Who, having read it for so long, wouldn't want to write for Empire? Only last week at their annual awards shindig, Online Editor James Dyer chatted amiably with Arnold Schwarzenegger; regular freelancer Olly Richards shook hands with Tom Cruise (twice, he'll happily point out); and diminutive, beardular, subnormal Features Editor Dan Jolin felt the warm embrace of courageous, manly, distinguished icon Hugh Jackman (adjectives added at Dan's insistence). It's getting to do shit like that FOR A LIVING that makes the people who make Empire make it as fun to read as it is. They're all film geeks living the dream, and that enthusiasm drips off the pages like... well, let's not get into period metaphors again.

So without wishing to sink any further into a bog of sycophantic muck sloshed liberally over an occasional employer, I'll simply wish Empire a happy 25th birthday and thank it for everything it's given me since January 1992. Keep up the good work guys, and if you're interested, I have a terrific Ransom retrospective piece up my sleeve...

5 comments
:

NEON was indeed a grand magazine. BUT EMPIRE has weathered lots of filmic storms (nearly suffocating under a sea of endless Winter and Summer previews nearly replacing opinion and copy) and deserves its silver anniversary and industry standing. Though I am still waiting for my reply about work experience... maybe it got lost with that Five Star album I won around the same time on local radio.

1994 boarding school. everyone is out of the boarding house at a party (I elected not to go so was the only person in) so im mooching about looking at stuff. I notice in one of the communal bins are a couple of magazines..they look like Q mags (I had zero interest in music then and now) but see they are Empire - from the makers of Q. I should add at this point in my life in 6th form doing very badly at my Alevels im only mildly interested in film, my primary interest is star trek & SF films so I buy the odd Starburst, TV Zone, starlog etc, visit FP every now and then

anyway I cook myself a big plate of pasta shells (which id also found in the bin – dont worry the pack was unopened and surprisingly still in date) and I read the mags (was 3 - True Romance cover #53, one had its cover ripped off but was the PHEW! Kim Basinger cover, and the other was Sharon Stone cover #59. there were missing pages in all where the owner mustve put pin ups on his wall). I was intrigued by all the cool Tarantino stuff (I dont think id even heard of him b4), sexy ladies, and the overall humorous tone (everything was a lot more cooler/hip than Starburst)...couple of days later and I see the Forrest Gump Empire #65 in a newsagent and make my first non bin theft Empire purchase (felt strange buying something 'cool' non SF related). Week or so later i go to see Pulp Fiction (my first 18 at the cinema) on the recommendation of Empires 5/5. I dont see Gump though

then maybe a year or so later im back in my hometown and walking home from a pub late and see a big box full of discarded magazines outside a house..as I pass I notice its Empires...I stop and look through...and realise ive hit the motherlode...every Empire so far (1989-1994/95) along with a bunch of other film mags like Flicks etc. I barely manage to lift the box and take it home which thankfully wasn't too far (im straining they so heavy and at one point even walk past a copper but he takes no interest..and when I got back I was soaked in sweat from the effort – at the time I was one of those weight lifting teenagers so thought of it as something of a work out)

Since then I picked up every issue and also start buying Total Film monthly from its initial £1 Ransom cover issue as well as the occasional Neon, Hotdog – Neon being particularly useful for film research when I was doing my degree. I was mildly annoyed when it finished. Hotdog was kind of similar but then that finished also. Took me 10 years to realise buying 2 almost identical film magazines every month wasnt necessary so quit TF in 2007, by that time ive become an Emp subscriber

Occasionally ive sent a letter to empire and been amused when its printed but have never won the £..once I even sent a link of the Scrooge McDuck Inception cartoon and the next issue I saw an interview with Nolan and one of the questions they asked was if Inception was based on the McDuck toon and they printed the link id sent (like to think that was down to me). I also regularly visit the Emp forums since about 2005, and have recently taken up Twitter (but not FB yet) and have had some questions answered on the podcast

And every now and then I have a clear out get rid of various issues I no longer want as if you let them pile up they can a problem. If ones are going for good prices on ebay I stick some on there (the Loki sub cover went for £230!)

For some reason or other I always found myself preferring Total Film. Rereading old copies recently I noticed that - in the same issue - they gave Hot Fuzz and My Super Ex-Girlfriend the same rating (three stars). Such an outrage means I've been Empire ever since.