I have the reputation at work of being the In-Shape Guy, and the Eats Healthy Guy. So whenever anyone offers me some of the fattening feast that they just brought in (which is often), I give them the “Oh no, I don’t eat stuff like that.” Then I sort of look down my nose at the garbage that my colleagues are about to stuff into their faces. Everyone knows that I don’t approve.

But people bring in a lot of food almost every day, so when lunch is over there is always something leftover in the break room which is treated as communal. So sometimes I get up like I need to go #1, but I’m really going to the break room, looking around to make sure no one sees me, then grabbing something off the table and devouring it in the bathroom. When I’m done, I push my trash (evidence) toward the bottom of the bathroom trashcan (making sure it’s covered), make sure there are no crumbs in my beard, and walk out haughty as ever. I write this having consumed approximately half of an Otis Spunkmeyer Cafe au Lait pan brownie earlier in the day.

I’ve never understood the lure of the breakroom snacks, and in fact have often made fun of my co-workers for their inability to resist the various sweets that are brought in – until the day someone brought one of those 5 pound tubs of Red Vines. Then I proceeded to eat approximately 3 pounds of that sweet viney goodness over a period of two days.

3 responses to “He Has a Shame-ber at Work Too”

I feel your pain! We ALWAYS seem to have dark chocolate covered pretzels here and I too give people a hard time for eating out and eating trashy food, then proceed to wipe out half a bag of those tasty pretzels on the sly!

I am also the In-Shape Guy and the Eats Healthy Guy at my job, and I can assure you that your trips to the bathroom are totally unnecessary. Like Mark Twain said, “Give a man a reputation as an early riser, and he can sleep late the rest of his life.”

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