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Ask: Can you talk about co-dependency and intimacy in relationships?

Can you discuss in one of your articles co-dependency in
relationships? And also, the basis for intimacy from a spiritual perspective. -LB

“Co-dependency” is a term that
describes a lack of healthy boundaries in a relationship. It is the personal
thought system’s (ego’s) dysfunctional response to your longing for the Unity (Wholeness)
that you experience in Truth (God). It begins by you seeing you and another as
incomplete. So you blur the line between where your personal self ends and
another’s personal self begins to “join” and try to be whole. In practice this
means you take responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, situation, and/or
actions of another. Or you ask another to take responsibility for your
thoughts, feelings, situation, and/or actions. This is unhealthy because it
means you enable another to remain immature, dysfunctional, or in an active
disease, like addiction or mental illness. Or someone else enables you to
remain immature, dysfunctional, or in an active disease.

The result of co-dependency is a
conflicted relationship. The one who takes more responsibility than is really
theirs feels burdened and victimized, even when the other has not asked them to
take responsibility for them. And if the other does give up responsibility they
feel manipulated, controlled, and victimized even though they have chosen this.

A co-dependent relationship is a
relationship based on the idea that sacrifice is love. At least one person in
the relationship feels that he or she gives more than the other. Usually, both
feel this way. If you think that this describes most human relationships then
you are correct! The belief that love means sacrifice is why the world equates relationships
with resentment and pain and feeling “trapped”. And it is why Truth (Love) is
feared.

A healthy, loving relationship is
not stressful. It is affirming and supportive. So when you feel stress in any
relationship, ask yourself where you are taking responsibility for the other.
If you are not taking responsibility for them, ask yourself where you are
asking the other to take responsibility for you. When you experience stress in a relationship the problem is always within
you. This is why all relationships are really relationships with yourself.

When you are aware of the Truth
within you, you feel whole and complete within yourself. So you don’t feel a
need to drop your identity boundaries to become whole by “joining” with
another. You are also aware that the Truth is in others just as It is in you.
So you know that others are whole, too, even when they are not aware of it. In
practice this means that you maintain the boundaries of personal identities
because you realize that enabling others to remain in their dysfunction is not the
way to love them. You love them by recognizing their wholeness and giving them
an opportunity to grow into this awareness themselves. If they choose to grow,
they will be grateful for your boundaries. If they do not choose to grow, they
may resent your boundaries. But they are responsible for this choice, not you.
When you have healthy boundaries you do not have unhealthy people close to you.
This leaves room for healthy, loving people to be close to you.

To be “intimate” with another means
to feel emotionally close to another. So the source of true intimacy is open
and honest communication. Of course first you must be honest with yourself
before you can be honest with another. So intimacy with another first requires
self-awareness and self-acceptance. You must be intimate with yourself before
you can be intimate with another.

The source of intimacy is the same
whether one is spiritually aware or not. But an awareness of Truth facilitates
intimacy because it frees you from the insecurity that makes intimacy
impossible. If you fear that if someone really knows you that they will reject
you, or if you fear that if another knows your vulnerabilities that they will
use them to attack you, then you will not feel that you can be open and honest
with them.

An awareness of Truth leads to you
feeling secure within yourself. So you are set free to be honest with another
because you are not dependent on them to feel loved and whole. You look at
relationships as manifestations of the Love within you, rather than as your
source for love. And you accept that any conflict that comes up in a
relationship is an opportunity for you to undo an obstacle you have to being
aware of Love within you.

>>>>>>>

Learn about the books The ACIM Mentor Articles, The Plain Language A Course in Miracles, and 4 Habits for Inner Peace at www.acimmentor.com.

If you have a question that you want answered in the ACIM Mentor Newsletter/Blog send it to Liz@acimmentor.com and indicate that you want it answered here.

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Comments

Thank you!!! I really needed to deepen my understanding in regard to codependency and ACIM. I struggle with healthy boundaries and was using some ACIM principals to maintain this unhealthy pattern. Very well explained.

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