Obetchuary: Taylor Swift

Taylor Swifts career died today after it was murdered by Kim Kardashian’s Snapchat story. A story that highlighted what we all knew to be true about Taylor Swift anyway: that she’s a goddamn liar disguised as a doe-eyed country bumpkin songstress with a penchant for laughing in an exaggerated manner and being overall, painfully annoying.

Swift rose to fame in 2007 with the release of her single, Teardrops on my Guitar, which firmly established Swift as a nicegirl, albeit a whiny one with no subtlety. As Taylor had no problem directly calling out guys who wronged her in some way (i.e. didn’t return her 400th phone call) by using their actual names in her widely popular songs, her career catapulted. Later, Swift would up the ante and graduate to the technique of titling her songs after the names of men she bullied into dating her (see: her song about John Mayer called Dear John, and her song about Harry Styles, Style.)

So. Let us say goodbye.

Let us say goodbye to the way Taylor Swift’s long and awkward limbs look as she dances in the audience at award shows and tries to pretend like she’s “one of the cool kids.” Or “in on the jokes.”

Let us say goodbye to Taylor Swift’s neo-feminism, in which she tried to gain equality amongst all genders by enlisting a group of the most beautiful, thin, rich, and mostly white women on earth to stand next to her at red carpet events and try to not look dead inside.

Let us say goodbye to Taylor Swift’s disconcerting cat fetish. Because it’s more upsetting than it is adorable.

And at last, let us say goodbye to subpar pop star jams that areyes, even I admit, palatable and sometimes catchybut ready to be retired. As without a career to stand on, there will be no sad B-list celebrity males flocking to Taylor anymore, and without them, there will be no more songs.

It’s the end of an era. RIP Taylor. You will be not really all that missed by anyone over the age of 13.