she spent years pushing awaythe things she wanted more than anything;wanting them too much scared the hell out of her,because sometimes people lose themselvesin wanting too much, at least, that's what she thought, that's what she'd learned

but the only way to know, the only way to find out, was to leap,to want something so badly,it nearly made her crack with hope,to risk,to grab on with both hands,plant it in the center of her heart and see if it blooms

so, she planted,and planted

she found out that she didn't lose herselfin the wanting, not at all;she found herself in the hope

there was a void inside her,a dark closet with a locked doorwhere she dare not ignite the filament,for, when light spread its ominous tentacles, fearful tears came and eyes averted, while scratchy, well-used voices shouted at her from shadowed corners,reminding her she shouldn't, couldn't, didn't measure up,doesn't deserve

she was always coming or going, life and love at light speed,until she became onlythe coming and the going,until the going became imminent,a glimpse of ‘what if’,prying wide her eyes,forcing her to see thather feet were rooted in the moment,which was fleeting

This is my first summer off since I began working 30 years ago. For 10 years, I worked long hours in the juvenile corrections field, which was so very rewarding, but also soul twisting. The last 14 years, I've worked 50-60 hour weeks with no sick or personal time, and until 2 years ago, I took only one short vacation each of those years. My soul is exhausted and in need of revitalization.

For the summer, I am working 1 day a week, and the other days I do have many family responsibilities, but I also have free time that I've never had before. It feels so good.

As much as I'd love to use much of the free time to read and write, my heart is telling me I need to use it differently. My children are growing fast, and sooner than I'd like, they'll be gone. My husband enjoys outdoor activities and loves nothing more than for me to accompany him. The house we've loved and lived within for 20 years is being remodeled, amidst the process of becoming in unison with those who inhabit it, and my elbow grease is contributing.

My heart is telling me my home needs some love, both figuratively and literally. This summer, my heart and spirit are leading me home, and it is breathing in me new life.

I will only be here sporadically, but I'll carry your words in my heart. Have an amazing summer, all!

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