''In the drunk tank'' - that is, our kitchen during the rum-soaking of the pudding.

''An old man said to me, 'Won't see another one'.''

And then we sang a song.

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Sure did. Till the vapours from the pud knocked us out.

So as we recover, let's try once more to help pop music redeem itself.

This time it involves lifting to No.1 the best Christmas song never to get there because, dear friends of the good and the just, this year is the 25th anniversary of the release of Fairytale of New York by the Pogues and the late great Kirsty MacColl.

If you have not seen the live video of Fairytale or heard it on radio, you're a bum, you're a punk, you're an old something on something quite offensive that can only be spoken by misunderstood Irish yobs who see pop as a legitimate medium for the affirmation of universal human values, as opposed to something that can be merely trifled with at Chrissie.

Denied Christmas No.1 in 1987 by a rotten Pet Shop Boys cover, Fairytale has made Britain's festive charts every year since and hit the top 20 for the past eight years.

It's an affront to the legacy of Santa Claus that the Fairytale has never come true.

Fairytale has already been voted most played Christmas song in British history and on this week's British chart sits at number 18 with a shot of whisky.

The song is about two star-struck lovers who met on a New York corner and danced through the night.

Well may you say, ''Nice story bro, need more reindeer.''

But their dreams have vanished in a haze of booze, drugs and time. Lucky to survive this long, it's probably their last Christmas together; he in the holding cell and she lying there on a drip in that bed.

So, do they get to have one last dance through the night?

Fairytale may even make it to No.1 here, thanks to FM radio station Nova 96.9 which played it on Sunday as I drove off the road and into a mango stall - $10 a box, mind you.

To reach the top of the oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, Fairytale must ward off a cynical confection of Chrissie crap by an Australian Wham! wannabe boy band called the Defective (sorry, the Collective).

They cannot be allowed to topple Fairytale because first, the Collective were stitched together from contestants on the X-Faketor; second, they have covered that appalling George Michael song Last Christmas (1984); and third, they added a rap to it.

So download Fairytale of New York to your MPthingo, tell your kids, bombard the radio station request shows, hit social media, crash YouTube, teach your dog to bark it.

Lift Fairytale to No.1 (or Santa won't bring you any prez-zies!). With that goal attained, we will be entitled to ask whether Fairytale is indeed the greatest Chrissie song of all time, anywhere.

Australia has some wonderful candidates of its own.

Rolf Harris's Six White Boomers is big among the kindy mums: ''Pretty soon old Santa began to feel the heat/took his fur-lined boots off to cool his feet.''

John Williamson is up there with Christmas Photo: ''Oh yum yum, pig's bum/ Christmas pudding.''

But the best two Aussie Chrissie songs are, just like Fairytale, teary classics certain to make anyone hug a dad like me.

First, How to Make Gravy (1996) by Paul Kelly. Evoking the classic film The Castle, Joe has done bad and he's in the poo. If he gets good behaviour, he'll be out by July. So, please, kiss his kids on Christmas Day, but don't let them cry for him.

''And give my love to Angus/ and to Frank and Dolly/Tell 'em all I'm sorry/ I screwed up this time/And look after Rita,/ I'll be thinking of her/ early Christmas morning/When I'm sta-a-anding in line.''

The other is White Wine in the Sun (2009) by Tim Minchin. He really likes Christmas. Not the church or the hymns cos the lyrics are quite dodgy. But he quite likes the songs and can't wait to get home because …

''I'll be seeing my dad/My brother and sisters, my gran and my mum/They'll be drinking white wine in the sun.''

All three are songs of hope, dreams, family, redemption and giving people one last chance to make good.

And if that isn't what this time of year is all about, then I'll buy a Collective T-shirt. Spend Christmas with someone who cares. Anyone who cares. And be the one who cares for someone else because …

''I've got a feeling/This year's for me and you/So happy Christmas/I love you baby/I can see a better time/Where all our dreams come true.''

15 comments

Tex Perkins & Claire Bowditch did a fantastic cover of this on Rockwiz a few years ago.

Commenter

Bob

Location

Geelong

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 8:15AM

Also its was 12yrs ago yesterday that Kirsty died. Rip you beautiful girl.

Commenter

Bob

Location

Geelong

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 8:26AM

Fairytale of New York is a brilliant tune, but that's no need to knock the Pet Shop Boys' version of Always On My Mind, which was fabulous as well. It says more about Australia's musical tastes in December 1987 that Fairytale never even charted, and that the number 1 at the time was Never Gonna Give You Up. Last Christmas with a rap? Now that's scary!

Commenter

aimlesslee

Location

Essex, UK

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 8:41AM

Fairytale is a much loved Christmas standard in our house. Two amazing singers who both left the world far too soon make this something special. Australian radio never really took to Kirsty and The Pogues which is an indictment on their narrow view of the music world.

Commenter

Peter Mac

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 10:06AM

Pretty sure Shane MacGowan is still with us.

Commenter

danman

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 10:25AM

yes shane mcgowan is still alive - funnily enough he was born on 25th december. the pogues played at the hordern earlier this year and to be fair the years have not been kind to shane. the pogues still kicked up a storm though. no fairytale - they only play it in their christmas concerts

Commenter

davo

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 2:42PM

I'd heard of the Pogues before moving from Australia to the UK a decade ago, but admit I didn't know anything about their music. So much of the Christmas-themed pop and rock that is played ad nauseam in the UK each December is forgettable, but this is a masterpiece that I never get sick of hearing year after year, and it's a worthy winner year after year as UK's favourite Christmas song.

Commenter

AH

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 10:25AM

I personally like SLADE singing Merry Christmas Everybody

Commenter

Free Thinker

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 10:30AM

You've nailed my top three, pretty much in order - Fairytale, How to Make Gravy and White Wine in the Sun. That's a real Christmas. Can do without Rolf though.

Commenter

Harvey K-Tel

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 10:58AM

Best Xmas song ever? The Magnificat by Johan Sebastian Bach. But any Mass by Bach, Haydn, Beethoven, Mozart, Schubert et al would do in a pinch.

Music did not begin with bland, drunken and drug-addled pop tunes about the regrets of fools and criminals.

Try A Star in the East, On Youlis Night and Legends of St Nicholas by Anonymous 4. Gregorian chant leaves rock/pop pap for dead - and even mentions the dreaded Jesus! Fancy that!