Documentary Video PitchCosmo Zengeya

June 11, 2014

As part of our special Documentary Video Pitch series, here's a video submission from Africa-based documentary filmmaker Cosmo Zengeya. As one of our first five submissions, we offered a complimentary critique.

Documentary Video Pitch (Transcription)

"Hi, my name is Cosmo. I'm a documentary filmmaker from Africa, Zimbabwe in the Southern region of the
continent. I want to do a documentary film on the
Masai. The Masai originally inhabited the Serengeti. But two
governments, the Kenya government and the Tanzanian Government, sort
of like came up with projects to try and move them from that place
where they lived their natural way of life.. herding cattle, living
the traditional way. So now most of themselves have found themselves
in the city, they've found themselves globalized. The main challenge
is trying to adapt from that old way of life to the new way of life.
And the documentary is called Masai of the Times."

Documentary Video Pitch CritiqueBy Desktop-Documentaries.com

Hello Cosmo,

Thank you for submitting your documentary pitch.

Here are my first impressions.

Opening Line

Hi, my name is Cosmo. I'm a documentary filmmaker from Africa, Zimbabwe in the Southern region of the continent. I want to do a documentary film on the Masai. The Masai originally inhabited the Serengeti.

I like that you introduce yourself and give a quick overview. This will change depending on the person and situation you're in, so you did a good job for this assignment. Most of the time, you will be face to face and can launch immediately into what the documentary is about.

One small suggestion: At the beginning of your pitch you say “I want to do a documentary..” It's better to stay in the present tense and tell people “I AM making a documentary..” Saying you are in process of taking action is much more powerful than saying you WANT to do something.

Middle Section

Two governments, the Kenya government and the Tanzania government, sort of like came up with projects to try and move them from that place where they lived their natural way of life.. herding cattle, living the traditional way.

The pitch starts to go off course in the middle section where you mention the “two governments”. It is taking too long to get at the core emotional point of your film. There
are no "hooks", nothing that sounds intriguing, new or different.

Your audience needs information that they can immediately recognize and relate to. If you had said
something like "these ancient tribal warriors are under attack by their own people, their own governments", now that's starting to sound interesting.

End of the Pitch

So now most of themselves have found themselves in the city, they've found themselves globalized. The main challenge is trying to adapt from that old way of life to the new way of life.

The end of your pitch is where I finally started to "get" what your documentary is about. You talk about how the Masai "have found themselves in the city... globalized. The main challenge is trying to adapt from that old way of life to the new way of life."

The keywords you are using include "globalized", "old way or life", "new way of life". You are getting close with these words, but they still feel a bit generic and cliche. Try to hone in on a different set of words and phrases that might be more powerful and compelling. Words like panic, assassination and experiment are good examples of "hook" words that have been used in other film pitches.

Tips, Questions and Ideas for Improving Your Documentary Pitch

Here are some things/questions to think about as you refine your pitch.

How many people (Masai) are impacted by this situation?

What are the three primary themes in my film?

Why this story, why now?

What is at the "heart" of this story?

Why should anyone care that this film is being made?

Why me? Why am I making this film?

What is the urgency for this film?

Fill In The Blanks

Below is the basic formula by Anne R. Allen for coming up with a good log line & film pitch. Fill in the blanks with your own story. You don't have to use this phrasing exactly, just use it as a guide.

The idea with the above sentence, is that you're trying to hone in on the "conflict" of your story. Where is the "challenge", the "rub", the "crisis" for the Masai?

Sample Pitch

Here is a rough sketch for a pitch to get you started:

"I'm making a documentary about the Masai people.. do you know the Masai?" They are the famous African warriors who live in the Serengeti. They are under attack by their government to abandon their ancient lifestyles and traditions. The Masai as we know them are disappearing in front of our eyes... and that's what I'm documenting... this epic battle and massive shift in culture."

What do you think Cosmo. Does this make sense?

What Do You Think Of Cosmo's Documentary Video Pitch?

Cosmo received a complimentary enrollment to the Documentary Fundraising Course which includes an entire content-packed module on how to craft a dynamic elevator pitch for your documentary. The highly-rated course provides a step-by-step process for raising money for your documentary.

I just wanted to say that I think your website is amazing . I am a beginner with an idea, and the info and articles on your website are easy to understand and answer many questions I have. I can not wait to start filming!

- Sarah (Sydney, Australia)

I am a professional filmmaker, and I applaud this site for detailing the ABC's of documentary filmmaking. It serves as my own checklist as I continue making my own movies ... Thanks!