Contents

Well, thanks, "Freak". I'm off to go find Coyote Bongwater... can't believe I just said that.

Cryptography? That's practically my middle name! Well, my only name.

Attention, Blisk: I am Cryptosporidium of the Planet Furon. This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire, and your asses belong to ME!

[seeing Natalya for the first time] Whoa... I've had wet dreams that weren't this good...

Prison island? You mean, the KGB are holed up in Australia?

[coughs] What was all that about? Uh, my freakin' head... this gas is noxious, smells like Pox's underwear... Don't ask me how I know that.

My name is Luke... Crypto, and I'm here to rescue you.

This will be the greatest thing in your life since you found out that boil on your butt was just a marshmallow.

The sensor cell connects to the focal plane; the focal plane connects to the plasma beam... I know you're waitin' for me to sing that damn song. Well, I ain't doin' it. I've got standards; they may not be high, but I've got 'em. Also, we couldn't get the rights.

Brings a freakin' tear to my eye.

Put this in your bong and smoke it!

I'm a freakin' supernova!

What? Park full of potheads and none of you ever had erectile dysfunction? [no response] Last time I open up to you people...

Yippee-ki-yay, Mother Russia.

[if Crypto isn't able to use certain abilities on certain people or objects] I need an upgrade from the Gene Blender.

[while battling Kojira Kaiju]DIE, YOU OVERGROWN LIZARD-MONKEY!

[while battling Kojira Kaiju] Oh, sure, giant lady-lizard grows a new femur anytime she destroys something, while Crypto has to go and drain vehicles like a sissy! Game designers.... sheesh.

I shall continue my repairs on the saucer and then I shall... I don't know, order a virtual pizza or something. Brains, I hate this.

Crypto! You found all the Nexus Crystals! And I owe Gastro a fiver.

Crypto, If you can hear me, meet me in the park. It seems that treacherous human's damaged some of your equipment. No, I'm not referring your new "package".

Oh, sure, point out that I'm dead again. It just gets funnier every 50th time you do it, doesn't it?

Ah, Albion, where the sun never sets and the natives never floss.

The saucer's sensor is picking up significant radiation levels all around you, Crypto. Either Gastro's gout is acting up, or there must be fuel rods nearby.

That cinches it, Crypto! You've destroyed the Blisk Base! I've half a mind to put you up for a medal - but only half.

Never heard of... I'm Orthopox 13 man! The Orthopox 13! Conqueror of Zargon 5? Hero of the battle of Tharsis Mons? Winner of the Xanthrax-47 mental cruelty award six years running? I'm the second most senior fleet commander in the entire Furon Navy! I was enslaving hyper-dimensional insectoids in the dunghills of Beedleblat when you were still in short pants! And you've never heard of me?

... Yes I did, Crypto, but that won't help. Albion is full of tunnels, pipes, and excavations galore. It's like a moldy sponge, built atop noxious Swiss cheese.

Just in time, Crypto! Bongwater has launched his ships at the city! You must stop them from polluting the air with Revelade! I'll be monitoring the level of Revelade in the atmosphere. But you'd better destroy those blimps quickly, Crypto, because if the Revelade level reaches 100% saturation, our Bay City brain farm will be turned into a useless den of unmotivated degenerates sitting in front of their TV screens, twiddling their thumbs... Ahem!

From the ashes of terror and destruction, Arkvoodle is reborn to spread the good pick-up line of erotic satiation! Go, son of Arkvoodle! Take the Sacred Crotch to the masses!

It has been written in the book of Divine Fabrications that, the Great God of the Sacred Crotch Arkvoodle cannot be made, and cannot be unmade. Arkvoodle is, always was, and always will be! And for once, they got it right. Fire at my idol with your Disintegrator Ray! I'll show you. [after idol is shot] See? Told you. Nonetheless, I shall unlock the landing zone, thanks for playing.

I've been keeping hold of this alien predator for aeons, trapped deep within, suspended in time... Why? Well, frankly it snores, and the vibrations give me a tickle. But I'm just not in the mood right now. Take it away! [after obtaining the Burrow Beast datacore] Thank you, son of Arkvoodle. It was beginning to chafe. And thank you also for creating a cult in mine honour - being worshipped makes mine eternal gyroscopes oscillate, if you know what I meanest...

Son of Arkvoodle, I have a, how should you say, deep inner blockage. It's really most vexing and it throbs! Thoust havest any means to get rid of this... deep... inner blockage? D'oh, brains! Do I have to draw you a map?

All around thee, my son, lurk agents of destruction, dispatched on their fell mission by I know not whom. Could be Dodecalypse, that bastard's always screwing with me. Go forth and bring me one of these "KGB" agents, so I may look into it's heart and see the face of it's master! [when brought KGB agent] Phew! It's dark in that heart! Well, sooner or later the truth will let out. Landing zone activated!

Leonid: Oh God, how am I going to face them all? They're fed up with this place - and I can't blame them! We sold our principles to a race of... of GIANT SPACE CRABS FROM MARS! It's the oldest cliché in the book! Oh, I am not fit to be a Soviet hero...

Leonid: Pull yourself together, Leonid! Khrushchev always said, "The proletariat are like dogs; they can smell fear! Even in a vacuum, nyet?"

Japanese Male: Should I join White Ninja, or Black Ninja? On one hand, White Ninja are in glorious harmony with universe. On other hand, Black Ninja get to live on island north of Takoshima City. White Ninja get spiritual fulfillment. Black Ninja get paid. Black Ninja.

Secret Agent: Is the world ready for a gay super spy? I didn't think so. Back in the closet, Double-Oh-Pooftah!

Oranchov: Premier comrade Milenkov, comrade agents, thank you for coming. Here's what we know so far. [a slide show displaying the first game's events and its aftermath is shown] Ten years ago, the United States government covered up an invasion by an alien race known as Furons. Their primary agent was this Furon: Cryptosporidium-137; dangerous, unpredictable, and now deceased.

Milenkov: So, what is being problem?

Oranchov: The problem, comrade, is that Furons can clone themselves and pose convincingly as humans, and they've used these abilities to put Cryptosporidium-138 into the White House!

KGB Agents: [gasps] The American people are not noticing? [all laugh]

Oranchov: Da, right. Pull the other one. Even worse, this new Crypto clone contains pure Furon DNA harvested from human brains by Orthopox-13, mastermind of the invasion. He also bears a mysterious new mutation referred to only as 'the package'.

Milenkov, KGB Agents: Ooo!

Oranchov: These aliens pose a dire threat to the Soviet Union, comrades, and so.. they must. Be. Destroyed! As we speak, President Crypto is in Bay City, attending a youth cultural fest.

KGB Agent: And Orthopox?

Oranchov: Conducting experiments in the Furon mothership.

Oranchov: [a missile is shown heading for the mothership while Orthopox taunts a brain] Savages... degenerates! There's only one way to deal with such men.

Pox: Crypto! The mothership has somehow been destroyed, and I've been blown to smithereens! Luckily I was able to download a copy of my exquisite mind into this "Holopox" unit, just before the ship exploded.

Crypto: Gee, that is lucky.

[About not having any guns]

Crypto: I didn't bring any with me. Figured, uh, heavy artillery ain't exactly the smoothest way to charm the jeans off a pacifist hippy chick.

Pox: Ooh, I knew it! I knew your unnatural interest in humans would bring us nothing but trouble!

Crypto: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're harshin' my buzz! Mellow out, Poxy.

Pox: Easy for you to say! You weren't blown to pieces just seconds before restoring your own genitalia!

Crypto: I shoulda known, the drugs, the alcohol, the loose chicks, it all fits! It's obvious those hippies we're trying to lure me in so I could lose my guard! Nice try hippies, but I ain't just some low-life, I'M THE BEST! Don't worry, Pox, I'll wipe out those hippies for what they did to my guns! Oh, and you!

Orthopox: Don't worry, I highly doubt hippies had much to do with this.

Crypto: Oh... damn.

Crypto:[after accepting mission from KGB Agent] You got it Ivan, or Boris... it's one of those right?

KGB Agent: You are not being funny! Why must you be saying hurtful things? Go be killing Terry Squire, then be returning, and apologize!

Pox: The scriptures say Arkvoodle will return when enough people believe in his image.

Orthopox-13: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously. Every molecule in your body in your body exploding at the speed of light. Total protonic reversal.

Crypto: Right, that's bad, got it.

Orthopox-13: No, no, there's no use for it. We're just going to have to take the risk! DO IT, CRYPTO! CROSS THE BEAMS! CROSS THEM FOR ALL YOU'RE WORTH!

Crypto: You asked for it!

[Encountering the Blisk for the first time]

Crypto: Hold the phone, what do these freaks want?

Orthopox-13: Wait a minute... Now that I think of it, that machinery looks suspiciously familiar... Oh my-- HOLY HOOKERS OF ARKVOODLE! Crypto! Do you know who these "freaks" are?!

Crypto: They're not Commie cabbageheads?

Orthopox-13: Great galaxies, no! They're not even human! They're the enemy - OUR enemy! The enemy we Furons defeated in the Martian War! Crypto... THEY'RE BLISK!

Crypto: Blisk?! Wait a minute, I thought we wiped the Blisk out!

Orthopox-13: I have no explanation; I can barely believe my sensors! But a few of them must have somehow survived!

Crypto: Not for long. Attention, Blisk: I am Cryptosporidium of the planet Furon! This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire, and your asses belong to ME!

Crypto: You gotta fill me in on this whole "Blisk" thing, Pox.

Orthopox-13: My-- My hardrive is spinning, I hardly know where to begin! They're huge, hideous brutes with giant claws and withering halitosis! They have a single hive mind, and an imperviousness to radiation; they take to it like a pig to mud! Imagine a cockroach mating with a lobster!

Crypto: Oi! Enough already, you're makin' me queasy.

Orthopox-13: Humans assume the Tunguska blast of 1908 was caused by a meteorite. But now we know its true cause: the fiery crash of a Blisk warship!

Crypto: Listen, I skipped most of military history. How'd that war get started anyway?

Orthopox-13: Millenia ago, Mars was an ocean world, and the Blisk ruled an underwater paradise. Frankly, they were more than a little cocky about it. The war was long and bitter, but in the end we reduced their world to desert and wiped them out!... Or so we thought. We obliterated most of their warships, though one we could not account for. We assumed it had been destroyed, but it must have been merely disabled, and drifted helplessly through space until it crash-landed here on Earth.

Orthopox-13: A bold statement. Many Furons fell thanks to the Blisk. And there's another problem: since the war, the Furon defense budget has been... downsized. I fear that most of our current weapons will be ineffective against the Blisk.

Crypto: Downsized the defense budget?! What the hell'd the Emperor do that for?!

Orthopox-13: The Blisk were exterminated. No one else posed such a lethal threat. We didn't need the big guns! But none of us saw this coming.

Crypto: Okay, well, at least we know what we're up against. Whaddaya want me to do?

Orthopox-13: I'll contact you with new orders as soon as I have some idea of what's going on. Until then, just... don't do anything rash.

Crypto: Rash? Me? Nah, I got a cream for that; cleared it right up!

Crypto: What do we know about the Blisk, aside from they're ugly as sin?

Orthopox-13: They are indeed a most repulsive race, and incredibly vicious. Furthermore, they treat their workers very badly and have offensively short tempers.

Crypto: Any resemblance to present company is completely coincidental.

Crypto: [about to destroy the Blisk superweapon] Do the dishes, protect the Earth, save the Furon DNA, got it. Man, whatever happened to destroying all humans?

Orthopox-13: Let this be a lesson to you, Crypto: the best laid plans can be derailed by an unexpected case of the Crabs! Now, GO!

Albion Police Officer: Scotland Yard here, state your emergency.

Crypto: When do you...get off?

Albion Police Officer: 5 o' clock on the dot everyday. And that's when I finish work too.

KGB Cosmonaut: Secret Soviet Moonbase Solaris!

Crypto: COME HERE, QUICK! THERE'S SOME AMERICAN WHACKO PLAYING GOLF ON THE MOON!

KGB Cosmonaut: Da. Be pulling other one.

Officer Johnson: Police Headquarters, Officer Johnson.

Crypto: Do you deliver?

Officer Johnson: Yes, but there's a $2 surplus charge- wait, what?

Takoshamise Police Officer: Moshi Moshi! Takoshima Defense Force!

Crypto: We got him.

Takoshamise Police Officer: Super happy fun defense!

Crypto: Hey Pox, it just occurred to me - who's running the country while I've been away? Hasn't anyone noticed the President missing?

Pox: Well, you never did spend much time at the oval office anyway, so I installed a limited mechanism to keep the humans alive while you were away.

Crypto: What kind of mechanism?

Pox: Oh, just a limited functional machine. It smiles, waves, occasionally spouts inspiring patriotic speeches about world peace and other such nonsense.

Crypto: Heh, guess the monkeys wouldn't know the difference.

Pox: Actually, your approval rating has tripled since I made the switch.

Crypto: Okay, run me through this again.

The Freak: Through what?

Crypto: About the blimps.

The Freak: What blimps?

Crypto: Coyote Bongwater's blimps! He's gonna use them to gas Bay City with Revelade!

The Freak: COYOTE BONGWATER'S GONNA GAS THE CITY WITH BLIMPS FULL OF REVELADE?!

Crypto: Yes! You just said all of this!

The Freak: Said what?

Crypto: What do you mean "said what"? You just told me that... [sighs] See, kids? This is why you shouldn't do drugs.

Milenkov: King Kong died, Cryptosporidium. I wonder, would you be so sure of yourself if you knew our... FIENDISH MASTER PLAN?!

[After Milenkov repeatedly boasts about his "master plan"]

Crypto: Geez, you guys just gotta have your monologues, don't you? Okay, I give. What's your damn master plan? Lemme guess - you and the Blisk are gonna spread those spores and enslave humanity. Commies and Crabbies - a match made in heaven.

Milenkov: [chuckling] Small minds, no imagination. It's nothing so mundane. We don't give a damn about humanity, Cryptosporidium! What we want from Earth is the same thing you want: survival.

Crypto: So the Crabbies want a new crib. What's wrong with Mars?

Milenkov: Mars is a desert! An acid wasteland! You Furons saw to that! But Earth - Earth is three fifths water. All it lacks is massive radioactivity - to become a new Eden. An irradiated ocean paradise for Blisk!

Crypto: But what about the Russians? Your people can't live in that.

Milenkov: "My people"?! [laughs] Oh, you really aren't very bright, are you? Why do you think we've waged Cold War? Encouraged the buildup of nuclear arms? Good God, what sane human would pursue such obvious suicide? 1908: Blisk warship crashes. 1917: October Revolution. Do the math! You of all creatures should know - aliens walk among us, da?

Milenkov: Please, don't be ridiculous. It helped that Russian is so close to Bliskish - no coincidence, of course. The Furons aren't the only race who ever used Earth for "shore leave". Face it, Cryptosporidium - you Furons have been out-schemed! The history of the Soviet Union IS the history of Blisk on Earth! The loss of our spores is a blow, but in the end it makes no difference! SOON, EARTH WILL BE OURS! NO MORE HUMANS! NO MORE FURON DNA! And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it! Lestrovya, Cryptosporidium.