Men’s Shameful Lust

Introduction

Hi there, Kevin here.

I grew up in a large mormon family. We left the church when I was still a toddler, but that’s a stain that doesn’t wash off. My parents were, for many reasons, not the kind of people you go to for advice. So, I ended up learning whatever I could about men and women and dating from television. I learned that women are powerful, independent and competent amazonian warriors, and men are bumbling, weak or oafish, incompetent and sex obsessed jerks. The sex obsessed part in particular always confused me.

I was under the impression until about age 12 or so that women did not enjoy having sex. I pictured sex as a man and a woman in bed in the missionary position with the man on top thrusting away and the woman lying there wondering what she wants to cook for dinner the following night.

It wasn’t until I watched a softcore pornographic film on Skinemax at a neighbors house and told my older brother about it that the truth was finally revealed to me. He told me with a sense of urgency that women do enjoy sex and that it’s a relatively unknown secret, but important that I know it. Prior to that porno, the only sexual scenes I remembered seeing were depictions of rape in bad 90’s movies. Needless to say, it left an impression on me.

I felt shocked and angry that women’s sexual pleasure was being kept a secret. Previously, I had regarded my sexual desires as a growing young man to be a tedious inconvenience to any future women I dated. I felt guilty on behalf of women that men would insist on having sex even though women didn’t get anything out of it, except pregnancy, when they wanted it.

I told a woman who self described as “feminist” about this a couple years ago, and she let me know that this was an example of the patriarchy keeping women down by portraying them that way. Because, I guess, men hate it when women are sexual, or something. She didn’t elaborate and I didn’t ask.

Sexual Objectification

Feminists will tell you that feminism is responsible for women opening up and being much more relaxed around their sexuality, letting them know that it’s not just for making children, and that women should enjoy themselves. Fuck yea!

Personally, I am more inclined to credit that to the pill, and men’s desire to have sex with women without worrying about pregnancy or a shotgun wedding. But maybe the feminists know something I don’t. It would be kinda funny, don’t you think, if feminists took credit for that, but had it was actually male sexuality that brought about female sexual liberation?

And I’ll admit it, I enjoy watching pornography. I like to watch women engaged in a lot of different sexual acts. But this thing I’m doing is bad.

Influential feminist Catherine MacKinnon says that pornography defines women’s role as sexual objects available for men’s consumption. And doesn’t that sound sexy?

Admittedly, I am not interested in having a romantic relationship with these women in these pornographic videos. My shameful male lust is primarily interested in the shape of their bodies and imagining what it might be like if it were my own penis instead of the male actor’s. But don’t tell anyone. Let’s keep that a secret between you and me.

Laci Green threatening to eat you

I am, apparently, sexually objectifying these women. As the feminist visionaries of today like Anita Sarkeesian and Laci Green would say, I am the subject who acts, and these women are objects, acted upon, I guess via penetration, or something like that. It’s like receiving a grammar lesson and discovering that it’s actually “I before E, except for all you creeps out there, not getting to know your porn actresses before fapping to them, you damn dirty dogs!”

I honestly don’t understand it. And when I don’t understand something, I start with definitions. The definition of sexual objectification is:

Sexual objectification is the act of treating a person as an instrument of sexual pleasure. Objectification more broadly means treating a person as a commodity or an object, without regard to their personality or dignity.

And this is something that millions of men, we are supposed to believe, are doing this very moment over the internet when they watch their pornography. And it’s men that we’re talking about, obviously. I mean, women don’t watch pornography, or fart, or do anything unseemly.

But this is actually an incredible proposition here. They say that us guys, when we consume pornography see these women as, basically, fuck dolls, or elaborate and high maintenance masturbation sleeves. But just, if you’re a dude watching this, imagine in your minds eye, having sex with a really hot, beautiful brain dead woman. Literally, her brain does not work beyond pumping her heart and regulating her breathing. Maybe some guys have this fetish, but no, guys want to have sex with a woman who has preferences, and experiences pleasure, who enjoys having sex with him, and if they are in love, all the better.

Ryan Gosling’s sexiest performance yet

But this shameful male lust for fuck dolls is how male sexuality is portrayed by feminists. And presumably, female sexuality is pure and without dysfunction. Fifty Shades of Grey is so popular, I guess, because it’s a healthy BDSM relationship.

Fifty Shades of Grey

I haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey. I don’t have the stomach for that, unfortunately. But YouTube suggested I watch the trailer, and YouTube seems to have really similar tastes as me, it’s really weird. So I watched it and it was exactly what I expected. If you know even less than I do, here’s a brief synopsis:

Anastasia, great name btw, porn should have colorful names, is a young college student who, in the place of her friend, goes and interviews young, hot beefcake and business magnate Christian Grey (hence the name). He looks at her and instantly sees her, perhaps like no one has ever seen her before, and after some flirting, they have sex. And as she continues to unwrap his layers of mystery, he reveals that he’s into dominant / submissive relationships, whips, tying women up, that sort of thing. Anyway, there is a clip I want to share with you from the trailer that I think is really interesting. Here it is:

The people who were putting this trailer together are trying to appeal to the same kind of female audience who read the books. The type of woman who wants to change the dominant bad boy into some, umm, I don’t actually know. A bad boy that she’s not intimidated by?

I don’t know, seems kinda slutty. Haha. Just kidding. I’ve got nothing against the people who are into bondage. Not really my thing, but they aren’t hurting anybody, who isn’t literally asking for it. But I just said it was “slutty” so I could transition to the next topic.

Slut Shaming

I’m told by feminists that slut shaming is really bad, and that we shouldn’t be holding women’s sexuality back like oppressive patriarchal assholes. But it’s amazing to me that they can say that slut shaming is terrible oppression and then in the next breath demonize men for their “sexual objectification” of women.

Feminists like Catherine MacKinnon and Andrea Dworkin claim to understand male sexuality better than men do themselves. It was the latter of which who said “penetrative intercourse is, by its nature, violent”. Geez, she must be into some kinky shit. Probably been reading too much Fifty Shades of Grey.

Moral hero: Andrea Dworkin

I think I’d rather be called a slut than a violent sexual assailant. And to this point, when she’s not bathing in male tears, the always insightful, founder of feministing, Jessica Valenti has pointed it out many times that us guys are all about high fiving each other when one of the home boys sleeps with a woman, and we praise him for his ability to find women who will have sex with him. But when it’s women who sleeps around a lot, well she’s just a dirty slut.

Jessica Valenti bathing in male tears for justice

I think I’d rather be called a slut than a violent sexual assailant. And to this point, when she’s not bathing in male tears, the always insightful, founder of feministing, Jessica Valenti has pointed it out many times that us guys are all about high fiving each other when one of the home boys sleeps with a woman, and we praise him for his ability to find women who will have sex with him. But when it’s women who sleeps around a lot, well she’s just a dirty slut.

Maybe it’s just the company I keep, but the fact that I’ve never met these guys and that I’ve never seen a man call a woman a slut, either, makes me think that this double standard may not be so pronounced as she would have us believe. Obviously, this is purely anecdotal and not an acceptable replacement for reasoned argument.

But personally, I find it off-putting the idea that we celebrate each other’s sexual promiscuity. “Congratulations on your casual (read: meaningless) sex”. I think it’s stupid in the movies when the dude bros do it, and I think it’s stupid when the Sex in the City crew do it too. But I don’t know, maybe I’m too old fashioned. Maybe I’m a prude.

Conclusion

Anyway, my understanding of these issues is admittedly shallow. I’d love to know what you, yes you, the person watching this right now — give it up — tell me what you think. I consider myself to be very much a newbie in the area of men’s issues and it’s almost always the case that the reality is more interesting than my simple account of things.

But thanks for watching. Please subscribe if you haven’t already. Hit that like button if you liked it. If you didn’t like it, forget I said anything.