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Yes. A moment of silence. Not because its so terrible that Tamil Cinema died a tragic death (ok that also), but simply because a moment of silence was all I wanted, as I watched this noisy nauseating nonsense, which is the possibly the best way to describe Singam 3, and er.. Singam 2 and … Singam 1.
The lion prides itself (see what I did there) in lots of shouting, cameramen in a constant urgent need to pee, lion morphing, lion roaring, more shouting, pointless heroines, car chases, forest fights, foreign villains, hovering helicopters, intimate items, comedy in coma, some more shouting, and other forms of brutal torture that Hitler would take notes from.

A HUGE SHOUT OUT TO SURYA

So the movie opens up in a court scene in some part of Andhra Pradesh, where judges, lawyers, convicts and politicians gather to discuss the murder of some Commissioner of Police.

Judge : “So folks, the Commissioner has been murdered. Normally I’d have the state’s police force deal with this investigation but.. you know, this movie is actually a Tamil movie, and so, we’ve got to render our entire Police Force unfit for this, and instead seek the help of Tamil Nadu.”Common Sense : “Dei, but what about Telengana ? We can ask them no ?”Judge : “Good point. But no. Cannotableto bro. Any other ideas ?”Lawyer : “Yes, there is this one dude who is capable of …”Judge : “Ok enough. You mean Durai Singam only no. I have this video which he shared as Facebook Memories. Has some clippings of him bashing up harmless bystanding henchmen, shooting black men, and graphically morphing into a lion for no reason.”Lawyer : “Ok, let’s call him onsite. Also, while he investigates the murder, let him also help restore law and order in Vizag for free.”Judge : “Seems fair. We did let them have Devi Sri Prasad for the first two movies.”

Singam arrives in Vizag by train, and as expected, there is this opening fight in the station. Surya instantly morphs into lion, beats up henchmen, and sending one of them flying to land on a weighing scale that instantly reads 1500 kg (director’s touch).

THE TALE OF IRRELEVANCE

Singam is a montage of everything irrelevant in the 21st century. There’s Surudhi Haasan, who witnesses the fight in the train station and is dumbstruck by Surya’s machoism and wants an autograph from him, and then stalks him everywhere to ogle him and take selfies. Then there’s Parotta Soori, the undisputed King of all Unfunny Men, playing the role of a constable, while secretly warding off aliens from ever invading the planet. And then, there’s Harris Jayaraj. And then there’s the entire Telugu villain ensemble. We also have foreign henchmen. We have Immam Annachi and his tirunalveli accoent to binge into. Fuck all that. There’s even Harris Jayaraj’s long lost gay partner, Singer Krish, who plays the role of a cop, assistant to Singam. The last time Krish was of any revelance, Orkut testimonials were being written.

SINGAM TAKES CHARGE

Back at the Police Station, Singam is busy pondering who could possibly be that generous and kind enough to feature in his intro fight scene.

Krish : “These people look like Reddy’s men.”Singam : “Dei naaye, Andhra Pradesh has a population of nearly 50 million, out of which nearly 25 million are Reddys. Other 25 million are Naidus. How the fuck do i know which Reddy you are referring to ? Wait, do you mean Madhusudhana Reddy ?”Krish : “Yes.”Singam :*loud* “See, this is the power of Tamil Nadu police.”*medium silent* “Also, lot of shady deals happen in one casino. So let’s go there and investigate.”

Singam goes to the casino, and instantly forgets all his plans of investigating or nabbing criminals, and instead hits the dance floor for an item song. This song was supposed to make the entire theater shiver, as if down with malaria. No we didnt say that. The memes did.

SHIT GETS REAL

There’s only one thing in the world that’s more unacceptable than Donald Trump as President. Parotta Soori. Parotta Soori is where monkeys evolved from. He would have seemlessly fit into the Planet of the Apes series, and saved so much money on CGI, but no, he had to enter Tamil Cinema. Parotta Soori should’ve been banned instead of Jallikattu. Even PETA would’ve had a campaign supporting the cruelty towards specific species of animals. Parotta Soori is what you get when is what you get when shit gets real. Literally. In fact, PS actually stands for Piece of Shit. Here’s why :

Evidence #1:
Parotta Soori plays the role of a constable who goes to arrest a fat lady. Fat lady instead hits on him and tries to molest him.
-_-

Evidence #2:
Singam asks Parotta Soori to go and search for a restroom in a hotel. Simple instructions. PS goes around searching all the rooms but can’t find the “restroom”. YOU BASTARD. It’s 2017 and you don’t know restroom refers to a toilet ?! Hard to believe that shit doesn’t know what a toilet looks like, but alright. But what sort of monster must the director be to actually think its worthy enough to be a comedy track. Makes you wonder.

A PILE OF GARBAGE

The main plot of the movie is literally a pile of garbage. No seriously. It revolves around this Aussie Businessman, a close associate of Reddy, who dumps medical waste from Australia in Andhra Pradesh. This obviously means, few school kids have to die. School Headmaster realizes Singam is an honest cop and will bring justice, and seeks his help. The headmaster also says that the dead Commissioner had tried to oppose the dumping of waste and was killed.

Singam goes off to investigate the freight carriers, and finds one of the containers from Australia filled with medical waste, everything disgusting ranging from decaying organs to Parotta Soori’s humor. Now, of course, there is a fight scene over here. A pretty pointless one which involves Singam transforms into a lion as usual and beating up some henchmen. With the amount of noise and cars involved in every fight scene, you would think this film is a subtle tribute to The Transformers, but that would make Surudhi Haasan the Megan Fox of Tamil Cinema. So I’ll stop there.

Meanwhile, in this cycle gap, that school headmaster is killed. The poor sod. Anyway, so in a fit of rage, Singam arrests Reddy.

SUPPORT SURUDHI

I almost forgot. So Surudhi Haasan exists in this movie, remember ? Well, she isn’t quite the police machoism fan girl we thought she was. She is actually an investigative journalist. OMG. Surprise Surprise. So she writes some articles on Singam’s allegiance with Reddy and attempts to defame Singam for no fucking reason. Like I said, Surudhi is irrelevant. Period. But anyway, after arresting Reddy, Singam also arrests Surudhi, citing some Article 986234C for preventing cops from doing their duty or something. Surudhi promptly gets out of jail the next day, and continues to ogle at Singam.
Wait.. wasn’t Singam married in Singam 2 itself ? Yes, but he is undercover over here, and so claims to have divorced his wife. Singam also stores Anushka’s contact as Puli on his phone. Cute.

Anyway, so time for fantasy song for Surudhi, ft. Singam.*Wi wi wi wi wifi…. with Singam doing his best to appear taller on screen.*

P.S – Appearing in fantasy songs while arresting politicians is still a dream for many single guys out there.

VILLAIN INTRO AND OFFSHORE VISIT

Back to the story. Arresting Reddy means only one thing in Singam land. Villain intro. Well, Reddy is a villain too, but is more of a dumb villain. The raw brawny uneducated types. We need someone more suave, with dapper looks, rich, body-building, cocaine snorting types. Obviously has to live in Australia, and have his own personal helicopter, jet and jetti and all that.

Singam meanwhile, has his own problems.

Singam : “Sir, I’ve arrested Reddy. Now I’m going back to TN. No offense, but TN govt is way better at supporting cop secret missions. I need to take on this kangaroo villain.”Vijay Kumar : *appearing out of nowhere* “I think I understand your plan Singam.”Home Minister : “Dude, STFU. No Singam, please stay. AP must receive all the accolades for cleaning up corruption. What do you need?”Singam : “But but… what about Tamil Nadu Police ?”Director Hari : “I have Saamy 2 planned for that. You carry on Singam.”*Chiyaan Vikram curls into fetal position and hides under director’s chair*Singam : *toned down voice* “Ok then, I want to go to Australia. Its been my childhood dream. You can proudly say that I am a big fan of Ricky Ponting. In fact, once when Jo and I were watching a kangaroo get laid in Animal Planet, I was getting turned…”Home Minister : “Dei enough with the mind voice. Ok take Anushka also and go.”

So Singam and Puli go to Australia, where Undercover Cop and Australian citizen Immam Annachi meets them. They do some cool secret cop things like flying drones, hacking computers, stealing company secrets, speaking in Tirunalveli accent, threatening Aussie Villain etc. Finally when Singam is about to head back, he is stopped by the Australian Immigration folks.

Officer : “Sir, I believe you could be trafficking drugs. Or something worse, actually preparing for Singam 4. So, we must detain you.”Singam :*shouting* “Do you know who I am ? One aussie fisherman was kidnapped by sea pirates. One indian cop saved him. Do you know who he is ? Do you know the power of the Indian Police ? Have you seen the fourth lion on the National Emblem ?”Officer : “Whoa, calm down mate. Lets just let google settle this.”*Officer googles, finds video of random black dude getting shot by an Indian guy.*Officer :*Saluting Singam* “Well, seems legit. Alright Sir, you’re free to go.”

One mexican gets deported every time this scene is played in the theater.

REDDY TO DIE

Singam returns to India only to find that Reddy had been acquitted. Now this Reddy does the right thing by trying to go into hiding. But, this is Singam 3 remember. Singam obviously blocks all exit points and chases Reddy into some granite quarry, which is most possibly run by Srimaan in Panchatanthiram.Singam : “Reddy, its easy to die. But its difficult to live. More difficult to survive.”*Reddy patiently listens, is almost dead but is also hungry*Singam : “Let me tell you a flashback of a school kid who died in a van crash…”*Reddy opens Swiggy app and places order for biriyani.*Singam : “The father of that kid is a noble police….”*Reddy dies midway, partly of hunger, partly the wounds, but mostly unable to bear this narrative ordeal*Singam : “Now Subba Rao, you may shoot him.”

SURUDHI SERI ILLA

So, the Aussie villain now lands in India, after having heard Reddy is dead. Surudhi Haasan, itching for more screen time and a chance to become India’s answer to Rachel McAdams from Spotlight tries to spy on the Aussie Villain, with the usual spying equipment of hidden mic in chain and camera in purse. Aussie Villain is pretty tech savvy and spots the camera immediately, and beats up Surudhi.

Aussie Villain :*summoning his henchmen* “Come on guys. Seize her, and rape her in front of me.”Assistant : “You high bro ? What kind of fetish is this? Are you also a closet virgin? Surely the more logical thing to do is to blackmail Singam with her.”Aussie Villain : “Hmm.. alright. That also seems to be a good plan.”

So they drug her and keep her in a hospital. By this point, nobody knows or cares how, but somehow Singam finds the hospital in which they’ve hidden her, and goes and rescues her. Doctors attempt to revive her but say that there is a possibility of her slipping into a coma, not because of the drugs but because they made her repeatedly watch the trailer of Premam’s remake in Telugu. Few hours later, Surudhi is revived, and sends the audience into a coma instead with another ten minute monologue apologizing to Singam.
Euthanasia should be made legal for this very reason.

KANGAROO VS LION

Singam meets a Magistrate to request for an arrest warrant for the Aussie villain.

Singam :*piling up document on table* “I have 436 documents worth of evidence to arrest this dude.”Magistrate :*shaking his head* “Cannotableto accept documents as evidence.”Singam : *Handing over laptop* “Here is one of his business partners who says he stand as witness over Skype. Say Hi to him.”Magistrate :*closing laptop* “Skype evidence and all is not counted bro.”Singam : *Looking desperate* “Well, I have this shabby looking local bombay dada who we nabbed a few days back. Not sure what its worth.”Magistrate : “Well now that’s concrete evidence. Here is the arrest warrant.”Singam : *silently under breath* “Ada paavi.”

Kangaroo man absconds, hiding in a truck, headed for the airport in Telangana. Singam, with the help of the rehab patient computer hacker Nithin Sathya, traces the kangaroo man, and chases the truck. Obviously, there are fellow lorry drivers who attempt to foil the chase. Soon, we have Toyota Innovas chasing truck, lorries chasing Innovas, trucks chasing trucks and Virat Kohli chasing all of them. Kangaroo man reaches airport and boards flight, while Singam is stopped at the airport by Telangana Police.

*YAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNN*

So, Singam turns back from the airport, and breaks the gate and drives straight into the runway and parks the car in front of the taxiing flight.

Common Sense : “Hey, you do know that airports have far better security measures than just breaking a gate leading to the runway right ? You’re making terrorism seem like child’s play.”Director Hari :*shouting into megaphone* “Do you think Tamil Nadu Police are incapable? Have you seen the fourth lion of the national emblem?”Common Sense : “Good Night.”

Anyway, so Singam finally shows the arrest warrant to the airport officials, and arrests the Kangaroo man.

FOREST FIGHT

You would think thats the end of the movie But no, what’s a lion without a forest. Whats a Singam without a climax flight. By now, even my phone’s battery has run dry and I don’t have any option but to watch on. Kangaroo man escapes from police van, and hops off into the forest. Singam morphs into lion, and roars after him. Singam has a fully loaded gun but Kangaroo man challenges him to fight without using using guns, as per the Second Amendment of the US Constitution. So, they fight, and Singam engages in a game of hand cricket, where he does one-pitch one-hand level catching of the kangaroo, and kicks him around trees, bouncing him off the floor, throwing rocks at him, while I’m busy hurling abuses.

Anyway, so the forest fight does eventually end after 15 minutes, with Singam shooting and killing the Kangaroo, which doesn’t quite justify all that hand fighting before that. But whatever.

End credits roll on – Surudhi Haasan calls up Singam and says she is getting married and is deleting his contact from her phone. Yay. And Singam 4 is next. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

As I stare at the cinema screen in disbelief, cursing myself for wasting another $13 bucks and wondering how long would it be before Elon Musk actually managed to transport people to Mars, I hear the hero boast “Avalukku engagement thaane aayirukku. Kalyanam aagala la. Ippo paaru da.” (She is only engaged to him, not married. Now see what I will do). At this point, a bunch of people seated in front of me break into a chorus of cheers. Yes, they exist. While I honestly believe that Donald Trump is trying to deport the wrong bunch of people, we’ll reserve that rant for another day.

LIFE GOALS

The film opens up with a poorly animated avatar of Cupid using an iPad to decide his next target – our protagonist Sivakarthikeyan. Not sure what’s worse – the fact that some people think Cupid exists or that Sivakarthikeyan is actually a sought after actor these days. Anyways, so going by the name of SK, a clever yet not-so-subtle abbreviation of his name, our man plays the usual role of a next door guy who is jobless, owing to popular demand and lack of self respect. Needless to say, he is a virgin, much like the majority of his fans, who worship his virginity while secretly wallowing in self pity. His life ambitions are pretty well laid out – Find girl, stalk girl, somehow marry girl. The usual virgin squad goals. Now of course, every single virgin will have a virgin best friend(s), in this case Motta Rajendran and Sathish, both of whom are jobless as well, just to justify SK hanging out with them, and mirroring the daily life of the average virgin joe (including playing carrom on the roads whilst discussing their love life or lack of it).*Ignoring SK’s intro song for the sake of world peace*

CLIMATE CHANGE

In what appears to be a highly relatable story for much of his fans, our man SK spots a girl at a bus stop, and instantly evolves from Ordinary Virgin to Creepy Stalker Virgin, an event marked by the gentle blow of cool breeze against the subject’s face, in an otherwise barren and hot as fuck chennai weather. Sources say that virginity and sight adichifying (ogling creepily at women) are among the major causes of climate change, putting an end to Bernie Sanders’ campaign against the fossil fuel industry. Anyway, so creepy SK goes around doing creepy stuff like spying her whereabouts, following her in malls, whistling at her in buses (without her noticing of course), and even enquiring about her marital status from her house watchman.

THE UPMA VILLAIN

Every virgin hero needs to have a mother, whose only purpose in life is to lament about her son not going to work and hanging out with fellow virgins instead, and also ensure that he eats a healthy meal of dosai and upma, cooked using extra virgin olive oil. If things go to plan, the mother role is played by Saranya Ponvannan, who has mastered this role for the entire spectrum of actors from Vikram to Udaynidhi Stalin.

DIVINE INTERVENTION

So the heroine is none other than Keerthy Suresh, who has pretty much taken over the role of trying-to-act-cute-but-actually-a-dumb-retard role from Genelia and Hansika Motwani for the foreseeable future.

SK : “Being a virgin, I suggest that we go down the tried and tested path of love failure to form the crux of this plot.”Director : “Super idea. So the retard is engaged to a rich and successful man, with a good job and an affluent family.”SK : “Obviously this means that he will be a total bitch who doesn’t care about women, right ? I mean, of course the secret sauce behind keeping any woman happy is only known to unsuccessful jobless virgins with absolutely no concern about their own livelihoods.”Director : “And love failure would spur our hero forward to reaching new low points along the way. Perfect. So we’ve got the plot going then.”

So, carrying the plot forward, SK finally musters some courage to creep into her house only to find her getting engaged. Dejected, our man decides to dress up as a nurse and audition for a role in a movie, which ends up in a failure as well. On his way back from the audition, Dumb Keerthy meets him in the bus and mistakes him for a real nurse.

The Retard : “Hey.. you look sad. ”SK : “Yes.”The Retard : “Have you taken tablet ?”SK : “Hmm..”The Retard : “Without S&M.. ok never mind. I have this habit of giving my number to random nurses who i meet on the bus. So, I’ll just write it on your palm, and turn you on some more. I’ll also draw a smiley face.”SK : “Ok.”The Retard : “What.. your name is Regina Motwani ? That’s a pretty awful name to be honest. But you know what. I’m so dumb. I believe you. Also, I think ReMo is a fuck all nickname for you, but the director insists I call you that. Apparently it has something to do with his decision to name the movie that.”SK : “Are you done ?”The Retard : “Almost. I have to take a selfie because thats what dumb cute girls do when they meet strangers on the bus.”*SK fakes a smile but secretly climaxes with his nurse attire providing the perfect camouflage*

So, our hero believes that the virgin god Dhanush has shown some mercy upon him and with a renewed sense of purpose, he sets out to win over her. Again. The virgins sense hope.

THE THEATRE AND THE OPERATION

So nurse Remo goes to the hospital, where the dean (Prathap Pothen) gives her the job, in addition to raising the amount of overacting per unit area of the screen. While the audience are busy searching for shovels to start digging their graves, Remo has a few song sequences, a fight scene and a magic show for kids in the hospital. In what appears to be a tribute to Nolan’s Prestige, the director has Remo promise a kid about performing a special magic trick sometime later. Anyway, so Remo tries to convince the retard that she deserves better than an arranged marriage with an affluent man with a successful job and all that.
At the retard’s birthday, Remo hands over a gift from an anonymous admirer, which is revealed to be a whistle which when blown would alert the police of rapists in the area have heart shaped balloons rise and fill the entire neighbourhood. Now of course, the the retard is curious to know who could possibly creep impress her, and that’s when our virgin warlord enters, meets her for the very first time, and his first words to her are “I love you. I want to marry you.”.Common Sense : “Wait, shouldn’t he be in jail for this ?”Director : “This is actually my life story.”Common Sense : “It was nice knowing you.”

LIKE MOTHER, LIKE SON

So the retard is clearly not creeped out by her secret admirer, but is in fact impressed by him for some reason, and begins to hang out with him. There are intimate scenes, which obviously have to happen only when it rains, even if it means Rain Man Ramanan reconsidering his retirement. Finally it dawns to our retard that she could be morally wrong in flirting with another guy without her fiance’s notice, who decides to end her relationship with our virgin boy. SK resumes soup boy activities like drinking and dancing in a fit of love failure, while the entire theatre is in a state of virgin vibration.
Rather than talk some sense into her pathetic progeny, SK’s mom catches the virgin fever instead, and encourages her creepy son to continue to persuade her even if it means getting her to cancel her engagement.
*Secret portal to hell opens up somewhere in the vicinity*

THE STATE OF RICH MEN

Our virgin’s pursual of the retard looks to have paid off, with her conceding her disinterest in the marriage to her parents and attempting to end it. The rich, successful fiance is enraged by this, and immediately reaches out to his bottle of alcohol in an almost instant reflex action to the break up stimulus. After drinking, he confronts the retard and Remo in the middle of the road.Rich man : “Ok look, as you would expect, I’ve had my share of drinks to account for my love failure. But rather than walk away, it appears that I have to be a dick here and attack Nurse Remo, and force this marriage to happen. I don’t know man, but the director insists that rich people be the bad guys in these kind of movies.”Remo : *sigh* ” I guess you’re right. How many henchmen do you have on you ? ”Rich man : “I think seven. Should be good enough for you for a reasonable fight while also have you sneak in references to some of your earlier shitty works like Maan Karate and Ethir Neechal.”Remo : “Ok, but just make sure you don’t hit me anywhere that would have my wig or make up fall off. This retard still believes I’m actually a nurse. Lulz.”
So, there’s a fight and the rich man and his henchmen are defeated and never to be seen again.

JUST KIDDING

So, after all this fight, there appears to be some precious time left for more drama. Yes, that kid in the hospital who Nurse Remo promised to do a special Christian Bale in Prestige-esque P.James magic trick. Apparently, the ten year old won’t agree to the surgery if Nurse Remo doesn’t perform the trick.Common Sense : “Dude, for the last time, why the fuck would doctors listen to a ten year old girl when she refuses the surgery ?”Director : “I want to prove to the world that actors other than Vijay can pull off the kiddy role.”Common Sense : “I shouldn’t have even tried. Fuck this shit.”
So as expected, the secret trick involves Nurse Remo revealing her true identity as SK, much to the horror of the retard. He also rubs his nose against the nose of the kid, transferring a mashup of mucus and makeup in the process, but what ever. No one cares.The Retard : “You stalked me, cheated me, made me cancel my engagement and made me appear more retarded than usual. How dare you ? Is this what you mean by love ?”SK : “Vera enna di love-u?” (What else do you think is love)
This very line raised the virginity of SK to such abnormally high levels that he started giving birth to baby Jesus at that very instant.

Anyway, so you would expect the retard to leave SK forever, but no. That wouldn’t be the virgin way of life. So, clearly she develops feelings for him and they get together a few months later. The virgins around the world rejoice, more memes are created, Sivakarthikeyan continues to breed his sleeper cells of virgin army while challenging Dhanush to the title of the King of the soup boys and protector of virginity.

Good boys go to heaven. Bad boys go to Las Vegas. I don’t know who came up with that but if something similar existed for movies, not sure where the good movies would go, but sure as hell know that the bad movies go to Chiyaan Vikram. While good movies are dissected and appreciated in great detail like a goat on bakrid, the bad movies are like Michael Jackson, they’ve had a big impact on people’s childhood but most rather not talk about it. Irumugan was another such movie, experience, ordeal.

Mandatory Hero Introduction

After the obligatory distant shot of the Petronas Towers, we focus our attention on the Indian Embassy in Malaysia, where a random chinese dude enters the embassy, crosses the restricted access barrier, pauses for a bit and continues to walk. He also takes the chance to waste a few more minutes of screen time by staring at the CCTV camera. He then takes a puff off an inhaler, becomes Super Human Random Chinese Dude, and proceeds to waste more time, beating up extras dressed up as police in the embassy.

Somewhere in India … Nasser, Nithya Menon and another annoying dude appear enraged on hearing about the attack.Nasser : “This looks to be the work of Love. We may be intelligence officers but of course we dont have any information about this guy. So any thoughts ?”Annoying Dude : “Imma gonna just keep shouting for no reason cuz no one cares.”Nithya Menon : “Well, its about time I introduced the hero of the film. Chiyaan Vikram as Ex Raw Agent. He has obviously had an encounter with Love, so lets ask him to solve this problem.”

At Gwalior, Madhya Pradesh, Nasser finally finds Vikram in a bar getting beaten up as he counts to ten. The situation is synonymous with the state of Chiyaan over the last ten years, and also a subtle tribute to Action Thriller 10 endradhukulla. Anyway so..Nasser : “Chiyaan, you’ve got to stop Love. He’s back.”Chiyaan : “Umm… ok sure but I really need a flashback. I’m Ex Raw Agent and all that.”Nasser : “Ok sure, but make it quick. While you are at it, introduce Nayantara as well. She’s probably the only expectation people have for this movie anyway.”

Halena… Halena… generic Harris Jayaraj music blares on for the next five minutes. As promised, Chiyaan has intro song featuring Computer technician Nayantara, who he proceeds to marry…

The Awkward Attempts At Humour

Back to the present, and Chiyaan and Nithya Menon arrive at the KL airport, to be greeted by Malaysian Cop Thambi Ramaiah, whose level of annoyance crosses the Parotta Soori threshold of intolerability within the first few seconds of screen presence.Nithya Menon : “This is an undercover operation and we’re going to find a fake passport dealer.”Thambi Ramaiah : “Ivanga pannara operation la enakku enna operation nadakka pogutho.” (In this operation, how many operations are going to be done to me?)
*awkward chuckle*

At the fake passport dealer’s hideout…

Chiyaan : “Ok guys. You might need to know that I can beat six people, and Nithya can beat up three peop… just joking. She’s just going to hang around while I beat up you guys.”Henchmen : ?!?

A few punches and some interrogation later, Nithya Menon and Kabali Meena proceed to dress up as prostitutes with the aim of infiltrating chemistry lab assistant Karunakaran’s hideout.

The Science Plug-ins and Tribute to Adolf Hitler

At Karunakaran’s hideout,Karunakaran (to Nithya Menon) : “I think its fairly obvious that you aren’t prostitutes and you have cameras hidden in your watch, but anyway, after Chiyaan raids the lab and breaks a few beakers, I’ll turn approver and tell off truth.”
Chiyaan dutifully invades lab successfully, and Karunakaran explains his partnership with Love, about the drug Speed, and proceeds to show a painfully boring documentary on the impact of Speed on the life and success of Adolf Hitler.
Meanwhile, Kabali Meena is killed in a crossfire due to budget issues.

The Villain and the Obligatory Plot Twist

Chiyaan and Nithya proceed to follow a truck headed to Love’s hideout, and Chiyaan completes narrating his fuckall flashback which involves Nayantara being killed and half the audience leaving the theater.

Anyway, so as expected, Chiyaan and Nithya are spotted by the truck driver, who promptly takes the drug, does hulk smash and drags Chiyaan and Nithya to Love’s hideout. At the hideout, Chiyaan returns the favor by inhaling Speed and beating the shit out of the henchmen before proceeding to Love’s lair. In an expected sequence of events, Nayantara stages a comeback as Love’s right hand and zaps Chiyaan with a taser.

At this point, it should be revealed that Love is actually Vikram’s most recent attempt at somehow attempting to land an oscar through method acting, this time as a transgender. After setting the bar for overacting method acting through masterstrokes like Remo and Kandhasamy Rooster, he looks to have outdone himself yet again. What proceeds is a painfully long exchange of not so cheesy dialogues between Love and a tied up Chiyaan.Love : “Normally everyone goes around in search of love, but you made Love go around in search of you.”Chiyaan : Ok.Love : “If you agree to be my partner, you can be King and I’ll be Queen.”Chiyaan : No.Love : “Ok Im beginning to run out of dialogues here. Nayan, quickly take that unloaded gun, pretend that its loaded and shoot this fellow no.”Nayan : Sure. *Fires blank*Chiyaan : “Well now that I’ve truly lost Nayan, might as well insert a song demonstrating my state of melancholy . Also gives audience some time to take bathroom break and observe a minute silence for Chiyaan.”
*Insert sad song sequence*Love : “Ok song over and I still havent managed to come up with any new dialogues. So Nayan, please load the damn gun and shoot.”Nayan : Sure. *shoots random bystander behind Chiyaan*Chiyaan : ?!?Love : WTF ?!Nayan : “Do you want me to explain my flashback as well ?”
*Dead bystander does not respond*
Cops enter the scene, Thambi Ramaiah is back and Love is arrested as Chiyaan finally realizes how boring flashbacks can really be, as Nayan narrates her flashback.

The Chase Scene

At Malaysia jail,Love : “So it looks like the easiest way to get out of jail would be to fake an asthma attack.” *Clutches left boob and resumes method acting*Cop #1 : “Oh wow, its a medical emergency. Call a doctor.”Cop #2 : “No way man. She has to escape prison remember ? Let me just search her bag for the drugged inhaler and hand it over to her.”Cop #1 : “You know that means we die, right ?”Cop #2 : ” I’m already dead inside.”
So Love breaks out of prison, kills all the cops and attacks Nithya Menon.Nithya : “Aren’t you going to be killing me as well ?”Love : “Yes, but i had this dialogue written which I have to tell you.”Nithya : “What ?”Love : “Ok Kanmani.”
Nithya Menon dies.

Love escapes from prison and heads to the hospital where some minister is admitted. Using the tried and tested method of disguising as a nurse in a hospital, Love makes his way to the ICU. Love observes doctors flirting with nurses, and Chiyaan interrogating the minister, but fails to take notice of a cop in the hospital checking out Love’s booty, which was spotted by the cameramen of the film. Anyway so Love proceeds to kill the minister, frame Chiyaan as the killer and escape as expected.

Climax Fight Scene

Chiyaan and Nayan are chased by cops and its Nayan’s turn to inhale Speed and turn the spot light on her. This was her Scarlett Johansson in Lucy moment, but no. The director clearly felt that having a fight scene at this point would be a waste of time, and skipped it, much to the dismay of the remaining few folks at the theater.
So they proceed to the airport where Love is busy trying to ship the drug with the help of his henchmen. Chiyaan tries to stop her, and of course, at this point nobody gives a shit about Speed because everyone in the audience are already wondering if they are on drugs watching this pile of shit, as Chiyaan and Love square off.Love : “Normally everyone slips and falls in Love, but you have made Love slip and fall.”Chiyaan : “Oh not this shit again. Didnt I tell you…”Love : “Nee Raja, naa Rani.”Chiyaan : “Ada pongada. Just STFU and fight.”
Chiyaan and Love fight, Love beats up Chiyaan and escapes in plane. But clever Chiyaan proves why he is hero by acquiring Love’s fingerprint and using it to get fake aadhar card deactivate controls on the plane and crashing it, killing Love.

Creepy AF End Scene

Movie ends with a horny and creepy Chiyaan attempting to demonstrate the acceleration of Nayantara’s gestation period from nine months to 24 hours by inhaling Speed, as you sit all alone in the theater staring in disbelief as another nail is driven into Chiyaan Vikram’s coffin.