90-year-old sent £370million home improvement grant

There were red faces all around when it was revealed a 90-year-old woman was sent a £369million home improvement grant by accident. The grant – issued on behalf of the UK Treasury – was still awaiting approval, but the letter-of-intent was delivered to the wrong address.

Elizabeth Buckingham, of Windsor Road in Griffithstown, Pontypool, couldn’t believe her eyes. “I’ve been waiting five years for someone from social services to put in a stair lift and properly insulate our leaky roof,” she said. “We could finally leave something for the grand kids too.”

Her husband Philip – a 95-year old former navy rating who served in the Second World War – added, “Ji-ji-ji-ji I’ve always fancied a bloody conservatory. Could’ve got bloody Polish builders in to do in for half the cost and twice as fast. I thought we could f**king well afford one now!”

Their joy was short-lived, as a group of men wearing suits and sunglasses soon arrived to tell them the bad news.

“I would happily pay for it myself if I had the means or owned large chunks of the country,” Elizabeth told us,“but on my pension I can’t afford it, and the government keep saying there’s no money left.”

With tears in her eyes, she looks longingly at her Silver Jubilee commemorative plate on the mantelpiece, “May your fourth favourite residence stay as warm and toasty as Tory hearts, Ma’am.”

Philip put an arm around her, “If only your mother’s chuff were more important, cabbage”.

A Treasury spokesperson said, “We can confirm there was a miscommunication and we certainly don’t intend to spend £369million on a terraced house in Pontypool, but everyone can assure themselves the couple are exempt from the bedroom tax.”