Science Report: Coke Makes You Annoying, Alcohol Makes You Horny

Thankfully scientists, finished with curing widespread disease and prolonging life, have turned to important studies. Two new endeavors prove two shocking facts: snorting coke makes people annoying, and drunk people like to fuck.

The first study, in which scientists doused bees with liquid cocaine, laid bare telling truths. The New York Times explains to us in layman's terms that coke "alters [the bees'] judgment, stimulates their behavior and makes them exaggeratedly enthusiastic about things that might not otherwise excite them." Bees, they're just like us! (I wonder if some people are scratching their heads right now and saying "Wait, I act annoying when I'm high?" Yes. Yes you do.)

The study was conducted, for the noble purposes I guess, of trying to further understand the nature of addiction and substance abuse. Said the lead scientist about keeping coke in his lab: "[it was] one gram, which has lasted me two years. One gram, a human would go through in one night. I'm not like the local drug lord." At least bees are cheap dates!

On to the screwing. A thinktank at the New York Health Department has determined that binge drinking leads to "risky sex." By risky they basically mean frequent one night stands. Drunk gay dudes are especially likely to bone. Men who sleep with other men who claim to binge drink were twice as likely to have five or more sex partners in a year than those fruits what don't drank. (I don't know what the hell I'm doing wrong...) Same applies to straight folks too, just in slightly lower numbers.

This is alarming stuff! Few of us were aware that consuming large amounts of alcohol in short amounts of time raised our sexual tingliness. But science has proven that it does. [AMNY via NYM]

So there you go. Coke turns people jerky, booze turns people horny. What we need more of indeed.