Earlier this year, University of Missouri football standout and NFL prospect Michael Sam announced that he is gay, putting football-enthusiast homophobes in a tough spot. Now, suddenly, like a gay thief in the glittery night, a very real possibility existed that in the near future, one or more of them would be forced to cheer for A Homo. One Republican lobbyist has bravely risen to address this egregious wrong, drafting legislation that would make it illegal for gays to play in the League and keep pristine the morally immaculate realm of the NFL locker room. Thank goodness!

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It doesn't take a social scientist to understand why Republican lobbyist Jack Burkman is a Hall of Fame-caliber dipshit; according to the Huffington Post, he didn't announce specifics of the legislation, only that gay people would be barred from playing in the NFL or at least using the same locker rooms as non-gays, which is idiotic on its face.

But Burkman's dipshittery goes further. First, not even his family supports him; his brother, Dr. Jim Burkman, is an openly gay man living in Seattle who thinks his homophobe brother is an "ass." And there's also the murky matter of who would even introduce or sponsor the bill; Burkman says he's got more than 30 House members and 5 Senators chomping at the bit to sign on, but has no specifics about who these elected officials are. The teeming hoards of homophobes have also remained silent, cloaking their theoretical existence in mystery. You might even say that if they actually exist, they're "in the closet."

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Apparently among the NFL's spandex pants-ed tight ends and wide receivers, there is no room for tops, bottoms, or switches.