A Brief History of Liberal Demonization. 1988: Rush Limbaugh began broadcasting nationally. Liberals are arrogant, condescending smart alecks. Feminazis! Also sluts. 1996: Fox News launched. Liberals are elites who despise you and want to give your money to welfare queens and start a war on Christmas! Fox News. Up next: Why do liberals hate the troops? 1998: Ann Coulter published first book. Liberals are slanderous! Treasonous! Godless! Demonic! As it says here. Slander. Treason. Godless. Demonic. 2017: Liberals self-demonize. I did call some conservatives misogynist bigots. Gasp! And I made a plumber butt joke! Trump is our fault! Op-ed. Liberals, we must stop with the elitist condescension.

True: When asked to review job applications identical in every way except for names, both male and female scientists preferred the male candidate.* Seems qualified! Joe Blow. Eh. Joanne Blow. Enter the … Universal Laws of Ladies in Science. 1. The Ledbetter Principle. y = (xx)squared. A woman must square her work effort to be seen as equal to a man with the same abilities. 2. Newton's Law of Perpetual Discrimination - The forces of inequality tend to stay in motion unless acted upon. Women's share of computer science degrees. 1985, 37%, 2008, 14%. 3. Actions may trigger equal and opposite reactions. Look, ladies just suck at science! Even ladies know that! *New study by Yale University researchers.

Slowpoke. Hey, Islamaphobes! Opposed to the mosque in Lower Manhattan? Here are some more things to worry about! Ground Zero is circled by hundreds of Muslim cab drivers every single day! Taxis of evil! Also in Manhattan: the insidious Dr. Oz, a Muslim who uses our cable networks to preach his message of hate! It time to build a BETTER YOU! Speaking of hallowed ground, there are Muslims buried in Arlington National Cemetery! We gotta DIG "EM OUT! And th' atheists, too! Ahmed Nawaz. Lt. US Navy 1983-2005. And sometimes Muslim food is placed dangerously close to an All-American apple pie! Falafel balls: a.k.a. "Terror Patties." USA.

Slowpoke. Does it seem like your credit card company constantly sends you new conditions and fees? Due to your history of paying off your entire balance every month, we are instituting an "on-time" fee of $39. The lat fee is now $39.50. Since deregulation of the industry began in 1980, profits from fees have skyrocketed. Here are some more fees we can expect in the future. Trademark Inscription Fee - fee for use of a company's name while writing them on a check. 6/23/07. Super Uberbank. Seven hundred fifty-two. 752.00. It's OUR intellectual property! The Non-Psychic Billing Fee - For having bills sent by email rather than telepathically. Current account balance $1,182.39. Unconventional Usage Fee - for using card to jimmy open locked doors. The Corrupt Congress Fee - in honor of those who passed the bankruptcy bill and other industry-friendly laws. Just doing the work of the people. Give me my money now. The Borrowing Money While Poor Fee - just in case other fees, 30% interest rates, and predatory marketing aren't enough to push you over the edge. "You're pre-approved to be our debt slave!" The Complaining About Fees Fee - tiny voice recognition microchip in your card detects kvetching, alerts central computer. This fee is Bulls#!t! Account #13978420 -1246703 is resisting.

Slowpoke. THIS WEEK in GEEK CHIC. Steve Dengler, 29, of Bend, Oregon has successfully re-created an entire outfit he wore as a first-grader in 1981. Hideous Brown Jacket-Vest. Western-Motifed Shirt. Arrestingly Large Pantcuffs. Kangaroos. 1981. 2004. Claire Waldorff, 22, of Athens, Georgia has taken the introverted bookworm look to the next level with vanity headgear serving no orthodontic purpose whatsoever. Pam Chen, 32, of Stanford, California is the first person to complete a PH.D in nanoparticle physics solely as a fashion statement. I get to wear a lab coat and draw Devo hats in atoms. Top that! Our Friend Boron. Xenon Magnified Fifty Trillion Times. Gary Giblet, 27, or Parma, Ohio is one of the few remaining un-ironic geeks. Gary's style may well be the look of the future! Huh?

Slowpoke. The Sleep Connoisseur. Ah, yes. In my lifetime, I've known many an exquisite spell of slumber. There was that moonlit night in Zanzibar in 1962 … That power nap in Brussels in 1987 … … Those chicken cordon bleu-induced lucid dreams in the south of France, 1991 ... Just as hunters collect animal heads from their safaris, MY trophies are these self-portraits taken in various beds around the globe. This one from Peking, 1978. A satisfying respite, punctuated by soft snores. Sure, I make great sleep look easy. But I've spent years perfecting it through diligent study of the KAMA SNOOZA. The ancient Hindu guide to hundreds of sleep positions. I've also been to many a slumber party. You can learn a lot from sleeping with other people. The KAMA SNOOZA. The Classic Eastern Sleep Texts. My hard work paid off last year, when I took first prize at the International Shuteye Awards for "Most Inspired Repose." My prize was this high-tech drool-absorbing pillow. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get some rest. Drool Master.