Shorties Shocked by Research Showing Taller People Are Smarter

Sam Shorty, a 5-foot-4 reporter (pictured here), is disgusted with his latest assignment, reporting on new research results indicating that taller people are smarter than shorter people. "That's what two Princeton researchers have found in recent research using American and British subjects," he reports. He explains that previous research had determined that taller people make more money, and that had been attributed to factors such as social discrimination and self-esteem. Sam adds, "Now the research suggests it's more than JUST a question of image. The researchers claim that taller people make more money because they're smarter. Taller children as young as three years old perform better than their shorter counterparts on cognitive tests."

Sam, who has always aspired to be taller, is completely disgusted with the results of the research. He's told his friends, "The tall guys get everything -- the women, the money, the better views at concerts, cleaner air. Now they're hogging the brainpower too. Seems so piggy."

Carl Complainer, another shorty, shares Sam's view. "It's just not fair," he whines. "You know, that stuff about 'the meek shall inherit the earth.' Fuhgedaboudit! The meek won't be able to pry it away from the tall guys! They'll grab the whole shebang."

Sarah Skeptic, 5-foot-3, questions the validity of the research. "Is it just coincidence that the two female researchers just HAPPEN to be about 5 feet 8 inches tall?" she asks. "That's several inches above the average height for women, you know!" Sarah is now conducting some independent research on the relationship between height and intelligence. "I can assure you," she said with a wink, "the results will be quite different. More DOWN to earth, if you get my drift."

On hearing about the research, New York resident Tommy TakeAction, 5-foot-2, has bought himself some elevator shoes and is thinking about getting stilts. "It's never too late," he claims. "It's worth a try. Looking and feeling taller may make me smarter." He's also thinking about moving abroad, to someplace other than Britain. "Remember," he points out, "the research only covered Britain and the U.S. Short dummies like myself may excel in any other place."

Meanwhile, Tony Tall, a star on his college basketball team, was delighted to learn that he has superior smarts. "I don't plan on opening a book ever again," he's told friends. "Studying is best left to shrimps."

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