I meant to let Faramir sleep next to me when I let him climb into my bed. And I meant to let him have warmth when I lifted my blanket for him to crawl under it with me. And now we lay here, facing each other. I can’t help but smile. We say our good nights, share a little kiss and go to sleep. After we’ve rested for a little while, I can feel his hand caress my skin. I almost opened my eyes, but I’m awake enough to tell myself not to. We’re both wearing long, somehow white night tunics. Mine is loose enough for Faramir to have his hand under it from up the sleeve and travel under the tunic to my back. He strokes my back. His hand is warm and I let myself think how good it feels.

“You’re tense.” I hear him say.

I open my eyes and there he is, my beautiful little brother. I smile.

Boromir feels somehow troubled, so I decide to soothe him, knowing I should not. The way under his tunic I know is a little too intimate for brothers, but not in our case I tell myself.

“Relax Boromir, go to sleep.” I say and get a little closer, so I can have my arm around him better.

Our foreheads are touching, but our hips are far away from each other. I know why. I need to think of something else, so I hum a little for him. I learned this one from Mithrandir, it’s meant to make your mind at ease and he had whistled it to me many times. Humming it to my brother now feels a lot more intimate than what it feels with the old wizard. I need to think of something else.

Thankfully Faramir is facing me and not lying with his back against me, nuzzling even closer like he has grown a custom to do. He’d most probably feel me hardening, he would probably feel it right now if we weren’t keeping this somehow alien distance. I hear him humming now and I notice I have closed my eyes at some point. I feel so comfortable and warm, I feel being in love and being loved. I open my eyes again and manage to get my hand to his face, I trace a line from the side of his forehead to his cheek and more down to his chin, I touch it lightly with my thumb and then trace back to the cheek. Faramir stops humming and I try to look at him in the eyes, but his eyes are closed, my brother is beautiful. I must stop.

Boromir’s touch upon my face feels good. I let my eyes fall shut and give myself into the feeling of his fingertips. I stop humming, for I can’t keep on going now that all I want to do is feel Boromir’s touch on me. Boromir halts for a moment when I stop, but he still has his hand on my face. I open my eyes and see him looking at me. Why is he looking at me like that? He draws his hand away from my face and places it on my waist. I get a little closer. Instantly it comes clear to me that I came too close. My hard cock bumps against him, I linger there a moment too long and notice he’s hard too. I jump up and quickly get off the bed, it must’ve alerted Boromir.

Faramir opens his eyes, I look right into them. My gods, he is so beautiful it mesmerizes me. I want to lean in and kiss him, it torments me. I see those beautiful eyes troubled. I withdraw my hand from his face and place it on his waist. Wrong move for sure, ‘cause it makes him move closer to me, I try to do something, anything to keep myself a safe distance away. But it’s no help, he bumps against me and as soon as the thought of him noticing my hard member, I realise he bumped against me with a hard one of his own.

I stand there, just barely out of my brother’s bed and look down at him. And then a thought hit me, if I felt Boromir’s hard stiff, he must have felt mine. Boromir looks at me in a way that’s unfamiliar to me. Neither of us says a thing, and the silence between us is becoming oppressive.

“I’m sorry Faramir.”

Why is he sorry, he should not be. I want to tell him it’s alright, but how can I tell him that? I don’t want to leave, but I can’t stay if we’re both in this state. I pray his hard on is from different reasons than mine.

“Boromir, you’re hard.” Is all I say, making myself sound stupid.

“I am.”

“Will it go down?” I ask, knowing right after saying it that it sounded even sillier than the last one I let out of my mouth.

“If you stay in the room, no.”

How can he tell that to me? I don’t want it to be true. His voice is low, it makes me want to climb into his arms. I have to fight this madness.

I have distressed him. How can I work my way out of this? Both our ways out of this? And the decision I make shocks me, I won’t.

“Will you come back down? And kiss me?”

I know it’ll shock my brother the same. He trusts we’re both stronger than this, little does he know that I’m powerless before him.

“I should not.” Faramir swallows, I can see in the dim light of my room how little brother’s Adam’s apple bounces up and back down. “If I will I can’t promise it’ll be just in a brotherly manner.”

I must have made a gasp, for my breath is suddenly trapped in my throat, but luckily Faramir didn’t notice this.

“I don’t want it to be only a brotherly kiss.” I tell him and I know I sound pushy.

I see how Faramir turns his head, he hesitates. I’ve said too much.

He tells me he wants to kiss me the way I want to kiss him right back. We cannot do this, I have to tell myself we cannot do this or else we will. I trusted you to be stronger Boromir. I have to leave. I move only my head at first, looking at the door, I should go. I hear a noise of Boromir getting up, I must go. I thought I was swift when I moved away from the bed and towards the door, I’m most sure it looked like I tried to flee out of great danger. But aren’t we? In danger?

I manage to catch Faramir by the wrist right before he would have been too far for my arm to reach him. I pull him and lift myself up, off from my bed and I take steps towards him while he tries to back away from me, like not remembering that I’m still keeping a hold of him. Finally he halts, for there is nowhere he can back away to, he had run himself back against the wall. I stop when I’m near enough to finally steal a kiss from those lips I adore so. But I won’t.

We just stand here, my back against the wall and his body pressing close to mine. I can feel his hard member clearly. It makes me gasp and close my eyes.

“I know we can’t, but you’re making me unable to resist.” He says.

I open my eyes and look into his. “I’m so sorry Boromir.”

And just when he is about to protest I speak up again, cutting him off short, “I’ll leave, let me go.”

I try to go, but Boromir grasps me harder, it even hurt a little. He is so close to me, I’m gonna lose it. I can feel his breath on my face.

“Faramir…” Boromir says my name and most surely tries to say something, but he struggles with words to fit in, he’s always been like that. “… I don’t want to let you leave.”

“I don’t want to leave. But I shouldn’t stay.” I look him right into those eyes so like mine.

“My gods Boromir, you know I cannot stay!” I shut my eyes tight and try to get away.

We stand like this, in the agony of being this close to each other, feeling each other, knowing things that should not be. I want to feel more of him, taste him, I want to kiss him.

“Boromir, please let me leave while I still can.”

He’s almost crying.

“Please Boromir, for both our sakes.”

I’m pushing him too much. And so I let him go, I let myself loosen my grip, I let him go. I curse that he’s stronger than me, I want us both to be weak, and I hate myself for hoping something like that. And he’s gone.

I’m swift I know that. My feet didn’t betray me like my mind almost did. I flee to my own room so quickly and quietly I felt myself confused when I got into my room, my door locked and safe alone behind it. My legs gave way and I crumbled on the floor. It feels like I’m finally able to breathe. I start to cry.

I wake up in my bed, I hear a knock on my door, I know it’s Boromir. I got up swiftly, I know I ran to the door, I wasn’t suppose to open it, but I did. Boromir came in and almost walked on me when he came inside and swung shut the main door to my rooms behind him, it clicks locked. He puts his arms around me, kisses me. He hugs me and kisses me. I’m urged to my bedroom and carried to my bed, I kiss him hungrily. I dare not to say anything, I keep telling myself I did my best to fight this and now I’m allowed to let go.

I’ve made my way to the doors into my brother’s room, I knock and he opens. I’ve betrayed us both. I grasp him into my arms, I kiss him, he doesn’t fight back at all. I take him and he lets himself be taken. I got the door shut and locked, I lift him up and carry him into his bed. I want him. I have him lying on his back, on his bed, beneath me. He breathes fast, the air he lets out is hot.

“I want you,” I keep telling him.

I curse that we are not stronger than this. My brother is so beautiful and his touch on my skin awakes me, making me feel more alive like I have never felt before. He lifts me up and off my feet and I feel overwhelmed. He lays me on my bed a bit rough and I want him to be even rougher. I want to be punished when I let myself kiss Boromir as hungrily as I do. He kisses me back and I can hear how our beards rub against each other. His hands travel on my skin, on my tunic down my torso, down to my bare legs and then back up under my clothes. I’m afraid to speak, but I keep making noise of some sort ‘cause I can hear Boromir soothing me, “It’s okay.” I put my hands up into the sleeves of his tunic so like mine, to feel his back, I feel his skin under my hands, I hold him from his shoulders and feel his back.

I have my little brother under me, my hands feeling him in a way that’s unfamiliar for both of us. I have laid with men before, I’m not a virgin, but I haven’t laid with Faramir in more than a brotherly way. Faramir arches his back and I’ll have my hand under him, lifting him up just a little bit. My other hand finds its way to Faramir’s groin and he lets his head drop back. I lick his exposed throat and with my hand I find out just how hard my little brother is. I start to massage him and he yelps. “Boromir, you’ll make me, my gods…” He manages to say, I keep going. I kiss his shoulder and hold his body with my hand under him, not that Faramir needs to be held, but I want to. His nails dig into my back only just a little when I realise I made him come into my fist.

“Boromir, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” I weep when I realise what I’ve done with my brother. I lay on my bed under him. He says nothing and sits up. He takes off his tunic and starts to clean me up with it. He’s completely naked now beside me. I reach out my hand to touch his chest.

“What’s happening?” I dare to ask.

“Don’t think about it.” He answers, not even looking at me.

When he is done, he reaches down to kiss me on the lips, I don’t resist at all and I don’t even have the morality I need to. What have I become?

“I want to bed you Faramir.” I hear him confess, he waits for my response.

“I want you to bed me.” I know I should say we can’t, but I’m afraid that if I say so, he just might not.

But Boromir does nothing, he just keeps on kissing me. I urge him up and get up myself, I strip my tunic away and sit there, on my bed, naked with Boromir. He looks at me, but not in the eyes.

Faramir is incredibly beautiful, how dare I touch him and ruin him with my unforgivable lust? I want to love him in a way lovers do, but how can I do it when I love him too much as brothers do? He shifts up closer and our bodies are touching, he almost wraps himself around me and we’re still sitting. I let my hands feel him everywhere I dare.

“Faramir I can’t ruin you.” I force myself to say. “I can’t do this to you, it’s unnatural.”

I halt, suddenly I become scared. I get back just enough to catch his eyes. He’s nearly crying.

“Don’t cry.” Is all I can say, I try to touch his face but he turns away.

“Faramir I desire you, you know it’s unforgivable, it’s against the laws of our people.”

Of course I know and I try my best not to think about it. This is my chance to be stronger, put a stop to this, Boromir is obviously asking for me to do it.

“Hey, it’s okay. I desire you the same, I want you to desire me, want me, love me.”

Boromir drops his gaze, he makes me so scared. “I can’t do this to you.” He says finally.

I can’t think of anything to say, he doesn’t touch me or look at me. I move away enough to put distance between us.

“Then leave. Please.”

He looks at me and kisses me, longing, bitter. It feels different this time, he gets closer to me, quiet, slowly. Not passionate like a moment before, but loving, tender, sweet.

He asked me to leave, so why didn’t I? I could be out the room by now, but I’m kissing him, I’m lying him down again. I get between his legs and he allows me to. I want to bury myself into him, but I got to be careful, he’s too precious to me. I’m on top of him and look at him in this dim room lit by the moon and starts. “Will you bed me?” I hear myself ask.

I can’t believe what Boromir is saying. All this time I thought he’d be the one entering me, but now he asks for the opposite. “Me? You?” I ask a little frightened. He does nothing more than nods. Then I hear my mind asking the same questions that Boromir must have asked himself before, how can I do this? He grasps my hand and urges it to touch his shaft. My gods, this is too much to me. Boromir finds my lips and gracefully forces us to kiss. He gets over me as I lay back down, I’m exciting him and he places his legs wide sitting on top of me. He reaches to find my shaft somewhere under his ass and urges it up against his buttocks. “My gods Boromir…” I pant.

No one has ever entered me, but I want Faramir to do it. I’m afraid it’ll hurt. Faramir has his hand wrapped on my member and I didn’t even notice at first, he digs his other hand under me and pushes a finger in me. “Ah.” It’s incredible, I’m riding his fingers and he knows when to add more. “You’ve done this before.” I say very quietly.

“I have.”

“I have not.” I confess and I feel myself ashamed all of a sudden.

Faramir doesn’t answer, just adds a third finger. “It’s okay.”

Faramir lets go of my cock and also gets his finger out of my ass. He rolls me on my back and under himself so swiftly I didn’t even notice it at first this time either. “Enter me.” I urge him.

I’ll be Boromir’s first, I’m having hard time to understand it at all. Very carefully I start to enter him. He arches his back up a little under me. I reach to touch his face. “It’s okay.” It takes time to do this right, but now that I have him on his back like this I can see him. See his face and I won’t be too rough.

“I love you Boromir.” I whisper when I’m finally completely in and lay skin to skin on him.

“Don’t say that.” He says when I start to move and I’m sure I’m rocking him too hard. “Don’t say that.” He cries out again.

“I love you Boromir.” I tell him again and the way he moves changes somehow.

“You cannot say that.” He calls out again.

I should leave now, sleeping the rest of my night here creates too much damage for both of us. We might fall in love. We fall asleep.

In the morning I find myself unable to leave. I want to lie in the bed with him, not sleeping, not getting up, just lay here. “This was wrong.” Faramir tells me, playing with my hair.

I sigh. “You’re right.” I help myself up and get my tunic back on. I can feel how Faramir looks at me from the bed. The morning sun makes this all look a lot worse than it seemed possible last night. I turn to face him, get close to him and kiss him. It’s hard to describe this whatever I’m feeling, it feels too much, it’s painful. And I’m sure it bitterly overwhelms Faramir the same, hurts him the same. It’s killing us.

“I’ll leave.”

I won’t say this can’t happen again. How much is it worth of saying it?

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