That's it. Next week we find out who wins. Where it will get them is anyone's guess. Come back here, to this actual spot next Tuesday at 8pm where we will watch them bake one last time. I'm getting the buns in and making a proper night of it. See you then!

Mary looks remorseless. Never forget behind that kind granny smile she is made of bun tins and rolling pins for arms and legs. Frances allows herself a moment of celebration when no one else is looking.

So who, from that lot will go home? Kimberley is surely a favourite to win. But has Frances botched her chances with lack-lustre flavour? The huddle is tense and Sue looks emotional. Paul says Ruby's flavour wins for him. Hmmm. I can't call it. They hated all of them. The picky beggars.

Beca's banoffee effort looks like a big banana and chocolate sandwich. I don't see this as a bad thing. "It's very very sweet," says Mary. And Paul says it tastes artificial. They are being such bitches this week.

Ruby's corner is sagging. There are "issues" again, says Paul. She is just waiting for them to finish so she can hurl herself into the stream next door. Paul says the textures are great. BUT, it hasn't got the finish. It's not pretty enough, Ruby.

Kimberley's is like modern art. An acquired taste. Her chocolate has lost its sheen and Paul has noticed. He says he can only taste the chocolate. Mary consoles that there are some nice textures in there but it's a disappointment.

Ruby looks pensively depressed. Everyone else is steely. How did Frances get her writing on the cake so neat? How? Her layers look sharp and neat like Patrick Batemen's pencil collection. "I'm not getting the lavender," says Paul almost sarcastically after telling her to go easy on the lavender. Ouch.

Ruby is tempering her chocolate, making a ganache and assembling her cake oh god. She is brimming with confidence and optimism as usual. Kimberley says "It's not perfect" but she would obviously shoot herself if it wasn't.

Every layer of these opera cakes must be thin and even. Think dried lasagne slices layered up with Nutella, aesthetically. The bakers can freeze each layer as it goes on, tensely waiting by the ice box, cursing under their breath.

Frances is being clever again and making a Soap Opera cake. Hoping for a tiny Frank Butcher, naked and in a revolving bow-tie on the top.

Oh, HERE'S the history bit. The opera cake is French, surprisingly, and was inspired by ludicrous gold-leaf French architecture with all twiddly bits on it. A nice French chef explains the caffeine in the coffee layer is also useful to keep punters awake during particularly long operas. I want to see one big enough to get me through the whole Ring Cycle.

"That lavender could kill or make that dish," says Paul of Frances. I imagine Poirot in a study, surrounded by ingredients. The lavender, reclining on a chaise longue is looking shifty and smoking a cigarette.

One and half hours left until someone's journey (for it is a journey) is over. Have you noticed they haven't bothered with a history bit this week? No time. Too much tension to film. Must not break the tension or sense of false jeopardy. It's a balancing act.

Kimberley is experimenting with a lime jelly layer. Why? Why would you involve something which takes time to set? Is she trying to give herself a hernia? She's also making chocolate caramel twills which she will fill with truffles. Is she making truffles too? She couldn't be less of an underdog now if she tried. I am going right off her.

Folding is one of the most counter-intuitive methods in baking. I just want to get in there with the spoon and churn everything up. Or I "just dollop" ingredients in ala Ruby. I've no patience with all the folding.

The traditional ganache in an opera cake is usually chocolate so of course Frances is going with white chocolate, French lavender and lemon. It's as folk opera cake. So Bellowhead rendered in sugar and eggs. Mmm, lovely. *frowny face*

So it's a coffee and chocolate-based affair traditionally. Sounds a bit rich for my blood. Paul and Mary hype things up as usual saying that this is one of the hardest cakes to make. The sponge is made from stiffly beaten egg whites and ground almonds. One of my signature bakes (yes, I have those) is a ground almond and citrus cake. Quite delicious with brambles and sour cream. *Nigella finger suck*

Mary and Paul like Frances' but the roll is too loose. Kimberley's done everything perfectly. Beca's fruit is unevenly distributed. Paul says Ruby's one has "issues". Her roll is small, the mouse is solid. Ruby's dinosaur diving board juts disconsolately. She is last. Beca is third. Frances is only second. And of course perfect Kimberley, the new Christine, is first. Perfection, they say. She grins insufferably. Ruby says that she knew she'd come last. You can't just say that every time until you're proven right.

It is the next day. The Charlotte Royales have been in the fridge overnight. "She's not a looker," says Ruby rather sweetly about her effort. Frances almost crosses herself when she sees hers is OK. Beca and Kimberley eye each other up as they ease theirs out of the bowl.

They are "putting the mush in the brain and the lid on the brain and the brain in the fridge". Again, Sue saying what some of us were thinking. Ruby's looks less like a brain and more like a dropped blancmange.

Kimberley keeps holding her bowl to the light to check for gaps. Ruby is lobbing bloodied lumps of cake into an unlined bowl and sobbing bitterly as she does so. Come on, ladies and gentlemen, she really is as hopeless as she said. Give her a patronising round of applause.

Ruby's roll now looks revolting and quite anemic looking. Surely they won't have anything positive to say about it. Mel and Sue whisper about the contestants. They snicker about Kimberley's confidence when she heard the challenge was to be a Charlotte Royal. "I was at school with her," mimicked Sue with arch brilliance. Love them, love them, love them.

They're using sinister horror film xylophone to ramp up the sense of dread while Sue makes it clear that this is actually impossible to cook. Like trying to get that window of one hour when a pear is edible. Can't be done.

The Charlotte Royale is a load of slices of jam Swiss roll pressed against the side of a bowl, filled with custard. Easy. Kimberley is going on about the texture of the sponges. Just get slicing your Swiss roll, Kimberley. Times a wasting.

Technical challenge

I would quite like Mel and Sue to speak in French for the whole series. It's fun trying to work out what they're saying. So, the challenge is to make a Charlotte Royale. It's something to do with a set fruit custard (which must set overnight) and a bav-ah-warr. Nope, no idea. Looking forward to it though.

Frances' vegetable garden is perfect, of course. Paul and Mary gush but he doesn't like the paprika. The cauliflower scones are lovely (times three) and also magical. Were they made by pixies and not Frances at all? This is like the elves and the shoemaker. She's a fraud.

"I got a Hollywood handshake," gushes Frances. I absolutely dread to think what this involves.

And now to Beca's cheesy, nutty spread. Paul says her canapes are boring. He said they had to look all the same! Why are they being so horrid to her? Paul says there is too much Stilton in her cheesy bites. The Welsh rarebits have booze in. Paul says there is too much beer. They've basically crucified her. Is she being set up for a semi-final exit??

Ruby's look so attractive but it's Mary who says this, not Paul. Paul chides her for not filling her shells properly. After the love has gone, eh? Mary loves her pastry but wants more seasoning. They're picking fault this week but I suppose they have to. But her choux are flat. Not as "lively" as Paul would like. Come on choux, don't just lie there.

Everything looks very pretty. I would like to go to this party. Kimberley's crab has a good texture, her sesame seed buns are too big for Paul's mouth and the overall concept is ingenious. Sue' Marlon Brando impression goes down well as light relief.

Ruby is preparing the parmesan crisps and Frances has suddenly lost the plot and isn't weighing ingredients before they go in. Is she OK? Things are being filled and piped and urged into tiny cases. The string quartet (Bond is it?) are plucking madly with a synth adding extra drama. I think they should play live in the tent to really drive the contestants mad. And time is up.

Frances' horns are neat. Beca says that her fellow competitor is on planet Frances. She smiles but she spits the words out, her nose covered in flour which is clearly sticking to the sweat. Stress leaks from every pore.

So much going on here. Choux pastry, meringe, puff, shortcrust. It makes me want to cry. I find it hard enough to cook one thing at a time. Kimberley is making her buns uniform by using a cake pops tray. She says this as though we all have one lying around.

Sue is buzzing in the contestants ears, reminding them how awful it would be to go this week. This really is a bad time to get the push isn't it? There will be crying later. No question. But who will those tears of defeat be spurting from?

Beca is upping her game and is using beetroot too and making savoury macarons. Someone got me some of those for my birthday from a posh cheese shop. But I didn't know they were cheese flavoured and nearly hurled a rainbow of fromage and meringe everywhere. After that I decided I quite liked them. It was just the shock.

Ruby's canapes incorporate beetroot jelly. "You little tart shells," says Paul to Ruby as if he didn't know how that would sound in the edit. She is making her usual fist of chucking dry-looking pastry at a board and hoping for the best. Kimberley is making her fillings - chicken for some steamed Chinese buns and a bunch of other savory stuff that all sounds like something I'd eat a lot of at a party.

The canapes must be the same size, says Paul. Pack a big punch in a small pastry case, he says as if the one who doesn't manage it will be punished with a taser. It's just canapes, dudes. Needless to say, Frances is making miniature works of art and she's wearing nautique! Breton stripes and red lips scream Paris to me. Well done, Frances.

Now I happen to know Mel's French is particularly good because I saw her in Eurobeat the musical with Les Dennis. I like the opening and it's nod to subtitled drama. I think that was their tribute to The Returned.

It's canapes, says the continuity lady. I can spell canape! Sue tells us she has released a tiger into the tent. Perhaps with the new BBC One show next year, they'll have the budget for this. I suppose we should make honourable mention of Christine who left the show last week. I like her now she's a failure. Christine, give me a call. We'll have scones.

Moments away from the start now. Rick Stein's curries replaced the Hairy Bikers this week. I've just had an enormous pie for tea so the thought of curry followed by French fancies is making me feel a bit bloaty. I'll soldier on.

Disclaimer

Tonight's episode will include a lot of French baking terms with which I am unfamiliar. I did German at school, not French, and my spelling and pronunciation is about as bad as it can be. This is me trying to pronounce a kind of French wine. Therefore, all of the complicated foreign delicacies will be spelt phonetically here so you know what I'm talking about. Things move too fast for me to constantly refer back to my French-English dictionary. Please forgive this transgression of liveblogging etiquette.

Le final countdown

Big thanks to Heidi Stephens for her sterling work last week during “specialist dietary requirements week”. You all got rather into the comments section too by the looks of things. It’s amazing how a little baking competition can so inflame the passions of a nation.

From this week’s press coverage we know that Ruby and Paul definitely don’t fancy each other, which is a relief. But the fact that half of the country were trying to match-make a 21-year-old stretched cherub and that middle-aged lothario in the first place is pretty upsetting.

Anyway, get yourselves in the mood for le pain (and the pain) as those four women (who you can see posing on the cover of Radio Times this week) go head-to-head (to-head-to-head) in this, the very last Bake-Off semi-final to appear on BBC Two. Because the show is doing an Apprentice and moving to BBC One next series. See you here at 8pm!