Posted tagged ‘birthdays’

30 isn’t old, but in my mind these days I feel old. I feel mildly wise even.
In order to celebrate this milestone properly I am going to be having a 30 days of 30 celebration. I am going to do something for myself each day for 30 days, 15 days before my birthday and 15 days after. Now, I just need to figure out what I will do.

– This year I have vowed to keep myself organized and on top of things, let me tell you, this was a much larger goal than I ever assumed it would be. I am now regretting it, because I am always leaving work late, going to work early, and staying up late so that this can all be done. What I do have to say is that despite my wonderful organization there is very little recognition of what I do and how difficult it really is.

– Last Friday, I went out with friends from work and afterwards I left thinking I had paid (that’s how much I had to drink) and when I looked at the slip I had it said that my meal and drinks were on the waiter and he gave me his number. While I thought this was cool, I figured it must be a mistake because he spent the whole evening flirting with a friend of mine seated right next to me. So, of course I called her to say what happened and giggle girlishly. This brought up that I should call him and check to see, because if I was right, she did indeed want his number. All I can say is, most embarrassing phone call ever!

Hi, this is the lady you gave a free meal and drinks to this evening, how are you? Oh, good, so I was calling to see if you really meant that for me, because I thought you would have meant it for my friend sitting right next to me that you flirted with all night long. Right, right, yes I was the lady wearing the red coach shirt who’s married. Oh, you only do married chicks, right, well sorry, but I only do guys I am married to. Now, to call back my friend, who really only likes to do married men, and tell her that this guy did indeed mean this free meal to woo me. I could have saved myself a lot of embarrassment had I just thought of myself as sexy enough to receive a free meal and drinks.

– My husband and I have been looking at houses recently and found ourselves both really loving one particular house. We planned to put in a bid on the house and were just trying to decide about all of the particulars when our real estate agent calls to say someone else put in an offer and if we wanted to even be considered, we needed to put in our offer now. So after 24 hours of mayhem and decision making we put in an offer on the house. Thus began the waiting game. I wait like a two year old waits. Needless to say, it was long two days until the phone rang and our contract was accepted. It is tough to believe but, we may actually have a house to call our own.

– As previously mentioned in another post my birthday was this week and it was a very strange birthday due to the house stuff and food being strange and having to work all day, but all I can say is the week turned out to be a banner one and I am happy to say this was a birthday that I will not soon forget.

– My son recently started kindergarten and I have been harboring ill will for his teacher since, the Meet and Greet, the day before school started. All I can say is, I still dislike her. I think that she is a fake mean bitch who doesn’t give a shit about my kid or getting to know him. He has only been in school for about 3 weeks so, I will have to see if I can manage to continue my hatred all year or if she will at some point redeem herself. What has maintained my hatred so far has been that we were getting phone calls and emails about his behavior, and then at the end of the week we got home a behavior chart that did not reflect the things we were hearing about. Then, because this seems incongruous, to me as a teacher, I went in to talk to this lady. She explained the things that we were being emailed and called about were not happening in her class and so, were not reflected in his behavior chart. However, this week all of the same issues continued and they were again in places not in his classroom, but I will say that this week his behavior chart came home and it was pretty terrible and of course it reflects all areas of the building. She needs to make up her fucking mind, does the behavior chart represent all day everywhere or is it just in her classroom.

When he died he took away my only chance to ever know and he took away most of my anger. What was left at that immediate moment was relief. What is left now is a wondering combination of the need to know and the want to move on. The man did more to fuck me up in four short years and a lifetime than anyone ever has or will again.

This was a man who could make you feel like you were the most perfect human being ever when he was there, and when he left he caused so much hurt and pain enough to make you wonder what it was you did to make him leave you. What was it about you that was not good enough anymore?

This man, my father (in genetics only), made me who I am and he didn’t even know it. He died with a picture of my son and I next to his bedside with a letter I had written shortly after my son’s birth. The letter written in a time of complete “clarity” of what I needed to do for my new family. I am sure that many can imagine what the letter said, I just didn’t know that I would never get the chance again to address him. It seemed when I wrote it just like it always had, a letter to something that had existed forever, or at least in my forever. Something I would always have the chance to do better at, question more, be rightfully angry at, fix, change, and love.

These options don’t exist now and all the does exist is an Aunt that I believe helped that man to finally end his life so she could have whatever meaningless shit he had left. She claims that he was poor, drug addicted, alcohol rattled, and womanizing to the point of being out of believers. In the papers she wrote that he had no family except her and when I wrote in to correct this I was ignored and told that this was inappropriate. I don’t know what she gained from it hopefully it was worth his life in the end.

My husband says that I should go after whatever was left, it should be mine. I don’t want it. Even money. I don’t care if it’s millions what good would it do? Sure, I could buy a house and be stable and make college funds for my kids, but it would be dirty. It would all be tainted and worthless. I don’t want his things or his money all I want and have ever wanted, was his time. Since that is gone, there is nothing left for me. Maybe someday, now that I am not 8½ months pregnant, I will go to his grave and leave him one last letter forgiving myself for leaving everything until the last minute.

Subscribe

Jennieology syndicates its weblog posts
and Comments using a technology called
RSS (Real Simple Syndication). You can use a service like Bloglines to get
notified when there are new posts to this weblog.