As I sit here in front of this overly bright screen I am pondering this evenings events, fighting off medicine that is beckoning sleep, and trying to sort out the words in the verse that jumped out at me tonight....

Earlier this evening (okay maybe 30 minutes ago) Adam and I got into a little (way little) tiff that made me upset. I went and sulked in my bed, a big 3 year old I am, and he went and took (and is still taking) a shower. As I lay in my bed, brooding over the thoughts of how rude he was and how I just won't talk to him tonight, my eyes set gaze on a devotional I picked up at church this past Sunday.

So I opened it up and of course the first line would read in nice bold printeditalicized words....

"Forgiving each other, just as... God forgave you."
Ugh! Okay... well, I already picked it up might as well finish it... three reads later and a bible open to the actual verse and here I am typing away on my computer.

These are the words that were profound in the devotional:

The power of forgiveness is an awesome thing.

...forgiveness sets both sides free...

The truth is, it is easier to forgive an enemy you seldom see than a loved one you have to live with every day.

...deal with the issue without attacking the person...

Great! Right? No... not even close... the verse blew me away.

Ephesians 4:32 says this... Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

read it again...

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as inChrist God forgave you.

AGAIN.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as IN Christ God forgave you.

IN CHRIST....

his son's death

his son's torment

torture

the hardest thing a parent could do

IN this.... in all of this God still forgave you. He forgave you, he forgave me.... and IN THIS... in this.

Tears just pour down my eyes in humiliation, because 1. Adam did hardly anything wrong and 2.... I'm sure I have yet to forgive things not nearly as bad as what God has forgiven me for... for placing my sins on his son, placing my filth, my shame, every sin. Yet, I sit here forgiven... without forgiving.

God's compassion, his kindness forgave me for the worst thing that could ever happen... his son's death because of me.

Through this the next verse (Eph. 5:1) says this... "be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love..."

a life full of love not hate.

A life that reeks of forgiveness, not bitterness.

A life that bursts at the seems with God's grace....

***

Lord, this is where I have failed you. I hold bitterness in my heart. I let myself die with it inside, but Lord I want to die to this idea, to a better one. A life of me imitating you... in the workplace, in the home, in the city, and alone. Lord... let me be overwhelmed by your presence and when I am not let me crave it ever more. Your beauty does not fade and your light is not hidden. Shine on me. Shine on me so I can shine onto others because this is where I have failed you. I let darkness overcome but where there is light there is no darkness so shine on me.