​This weekend, the strangest, richest, and phoniest folks will be sashaying out of the woodwork to catch a glimpse of 2012 swimwear collections at Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim.

No matter what the fashion bloggers tell you, when it comes to style, Miami is no Milan. But, let's give us at least one point for trying. Collect one, Miami! We've got a somewhat notable budding group of locals making wearable designs, and a few big names like Norma Kamali showing sexy suits this weekend on where else, but South Beach. We thought we'd give you a heads up on what to expect from swim week.

Seasonably inappropriate clothing

For some reason, fashionistas seem to think that dressing to impress also means wearing too much clothing. This happens frequently in steamy Miami where less items should be worn no matter how huge your ass is. Outside, it's often warmer than the hottest corner of hell. Listen ladies, mink stoles and asymmetrical sweaters belong in the closet when it's 95 degrees outside.

An impatient, unfriendly audience

The shows always start late. Expect to be surrounded by antsy folks who think they're something special. Oh, and don't go alone, because no one will talk to you. They're not sure if your socks are last season Target or hand-me-downs from your older sister.

Heels

The fashion show audience is always wearing heels. You might even catch some old crazy drunk bitch stumbling through the sand in her heels and realize that it is possibly the stupidest thing you will ever witness. Sandals, ladies, sandals.

Plastic surgery

There are always cat ladies at shows. Not the ones who hole up with lots of felines, but the ones who look like they live with Siegfried and Roy. The lion look has happened to many people who got plastic surgery in the '80s. Sucks.

Nip alert!

Photo by Jipsy

Photographers

These are picture takers of the overly aggressive sort who lack any sort of fashion sense. You'll be able to easily spot the photogs. They're the middle aged men chatting up models and talking about their cameras.

Strange swag bags

You might find stockings in your Swim Week swag bag. Stockings say nothing about bikinis. They don't make sense. One event yielded Havaianas, which make more sense except that they were splashed with the words Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week on them. Wearable at home only.

Nipples

Alert! Teenaged boys, the best time to catch a peek of a nipple would be at swim week. Some of the bikinis are teeny weeny, and so you can expect a Janet Jackson moment or two.

Wearing a “beard” she made out of cotton balls and a manila folder, Liz Tracy once introduced herself to Rick Ross as Rick Ross. When she’s not writing articles about the Bawse or the Boss, she’s penning grants at Pérez Art Museum Miami. Liz has her master’s degree in religion from Florida State University. She taught classes on public policy at Florida International University and new media journalism at the Museum of Contemporary Art North Miami. Around 2007, Liz figured out that the internet was a wonderful place to express her unpopular opinions, so she established the websites Miami, Bro and the Heat Lightning. She has since written for publications and outlets such as Miami New Times, Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, Ocean Drive, the Huffington Post, NBC Miami, Time Out Miami, Insomniac, the Daily Dot, and the Atlantic. Liz spent three years as New Times Broward-Palm Beach’s music editor, was the weekend news editor at Inverse, and is currently the managing editor at Tom Tom Magazine. You may have seen her as the interviewer in the viral video “Butt Hole Tattoo Girl” that was featured on Real Time with Bill Maher, MTV, and Comedy Central.