Following on from the success of last years million pound bike ride from Lands End to John O’Groats for Sport Relief, David Walliams and his merry prankster peloton take on the Tour De France parcours for this years Comic Relief. Their Director Sportive for the event will be non-other than 7 times Tour winner himself Lance Armstrong. Lance will help out the team by guiding them on the best ways to administer EPO and how to pass a doping control.

MEET THE TEAM

TEAM CAPTAIN DAVID WALLIAMS

Sport Relief legend David Walliams is almost as well known for his incredible cross-Channel swim, which raised £1 million, as he is for co-creating and performing badly in Little Britain.

On top of his epic Channel challenge, he also swam the Strait of Gibraltar from Spain to Morocco with Matt Lucas strapped to his back in 2006 for Sport Relief. And the year before that he did the doggy paddle naked down the Thames while shouting “LOOK AT ME AREN’T I GREAT” from his smarmy smiling gob.

Now a star of screens both small and small, as well as a rubbish children’s author and recipient of a Split Personality of the Year special award (acts like a queg but he’s straight) – it seems there’s nothing David can’t turn his limp wristed hand to.

David say’s….”Won’t I look great in Lycra”

DAVINA McCALL

One of the most familiar faces on TV and Comic Relief superstar, Davina McCall started out on Heroin, then moved to MTV before the nation fell in love with her on Big Brother.

She’s dedicated to her charity work, and has been a presenter on Comic Relief TV shows numerous times – even donating the hefty sum of £50 for the chance to snog co-host David Tennant live on TV for Red Nose Day 2009!

Davina say’s….”I’m quite looking forward to injecting the EPO, it should evoke some great memories for me”

RUSSEL HOWARD

Stand up lazy eyed comedian and star of Mock The Turtle Russell Howard, has twice bombed on BBC One’s Live at the Apollo and he recently launched his own show, Russell Howard’s Bad News which went on to become BBC Three’s lowest ever rating entertainment series and will not return for anymore series in 2011.

Russell is also an non award-winning stand up with most of his family buying up all the tickets for his sell out tours – including dates at some of the country’s smallest venues including The Jolly Roger pub in Plymouth and Truro Evening News arena.

Russel Say’s…..”Do my eye’s look gozzy in these Oakleys?”

PATRICK KIELTY

Comedian Patrick Kielty was the only celebrity who took last years Lands End to John O’ Groats ride seriously when he done the most miles and never once sat on the team bus and moaned like a little spoilt child about the cold weather or the mountains that needed to be climbed.

Patrick say’s….”I can’t wait to get cracking”

FEARNE COTTON

In 2003, Fearne took part in Comic Relief Does Fame Academy and absolutley murdered Driftwood by Travis.

And then, of course, in 2009 she and a team of other wankerish celebs really went ‘all-out’ and climbed Mount Kilimanjaro – with the aid of hundreds of helpers – to raise money for Comic Relief. In the same year, the pixie like tattooed freak with no interest in music what so ever, fulfilled a life’s ambition by taking over the hot seat from Jo Whiley as a presenter on Radio 1 weekday.

Fearne Say’s……”What? 170 miles a day for 3 weeks, where’s my agent?”

JIMMY CARR

Jimmy Carr, one of the most distinctive comedians, with that big Desperate Dan chin and quiffy Elvis hair do, is one of the most unpopular comics on the circuit. The money grabbing twat is on a constant marathon of tours and will only be participating in a short leg of the gruelling Tour De France course due to his concert commitments. He’s also filmed an incredible nine series of that shit TV show 8 Out of 10 Twats, and he’s even found time to during his busy schedule to suck enough cock to keep reappearing as a regular guest on QI, Would I Lie to You? & Argumental and many other shite comedy/panel shows of a similar boring vein.

Jimmy say’s…..”My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying “Can I have a new bike?”. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

I’ve finally done it after a month of dithering about. I have bought myself a new group set for my bike, as I was getting sick to death of my other one. I’ve upgraded from my previous Shimano 105 with a triple crank set to Shimano Ultegra with a double crank set. The 105 was to clanky when moving up and down in the gears and plus when was I ever going to use the little ring! especially when I live in the flattest country in Europe. Plus if i was gonna try and do a bit of serious racing this summer I thought it was best that I got myself a double and started pounding the big gears like a real pro.

I’ve chosen the Ultegra because of it’s ice grey matt finish and it’s delectable designed carbon shifters. Bollocks! I’ve chosen it because of it’s price, put it this way if money was no object, I’d have kopped for the Shimano Dura-Ace or Campag’s Super Record for sure.

Drove down to Hoogerheide to watch the latest round of the Cyclo Cross World Cup. I was there to give support to British cross rider Nikki Harris www.nikkiharris.co.uk who rides for the Belgium team APB. Nikki never quit had the legs on the day and the race was won by the plucky yank Katie Compton.

One of the advantages of going back home to the magnetic north is being able to make good use of the array of bikes in my old mans shed. Be it the Colnago Decor road bike for twiddling around the Cheshire lanes, the Merlin Mountain bike for clogging it up the Trans Pennine Trail, the Cougar time trial bike for testing along the Rainford Bypass or the Colnago fixed wheel for shooting to the bookies on. The bikes all stand proud in a neat row, all gleaming, polished, oiled and begging to be ridden. Highly tuned Campagnolo groupsets scream at me to put it in the big ring, the comfy Sella Italia saddles wait for the warmth of my buttocks and the Cinelli bars yearn for the grip of my gloved hands.

The Mountain Bike – Trip 1

After buying a pair of Vittoria Act MTB shoes, from Ron Spencers on Orford Lane, to fit the Shimano XC off-road pedals on the mountain bike, I was ready for the off. A short ride to get the legs going after all the stuffing of ones face at Christmas time, with the likes of Quality Street, pork pies, thick slices of honey glazed ham and cheese. Spike Island and back should be a doddle. It was cold, wet and damp, with just a hint of blue sky peeking through the chemically induced cirrus minors.

Pollution

all around

sometimes up

sometimes down

But always around

Pollution

are you coming to my town

or am I coming to yours?

We’re on different buses, pollution

but we’re both using petrol

BOMBS

That poem comes into my head as I round the bend on the path at Ditchfeilds farm and cross the railway bridge that ends up on the tow path of the St Helens canal. Fiddlers Ferry Power Station comes into sight with it’s eight towers all spewing out gallons of smoke. We used to come drinking down these parts when we were kids of 15. A bottle of Sherry and hike to the ‘Outer Hebrides’ as we christened it, when really it was just the back of Warrington tip where the River Mersey snaked by. Our time was spent drinking, making fires and taking a shit in the bushes, before departing back to the shops at Honiton Way, to carry on the drunken revelry.

Down past the Fiddlers Ferry pub and on to Anglia Canners or the Fiddlers Ferry Sailing Club as it’s known now. Boats now fill the harbour, all emblazoned with far off places: Poole, Plymouth, Saint Malo and Nassau. Years ago this place was just a muddy trench with the odd rotting hull of a boat littered here and there. We would climb into the deserted pump house and scare each other with horror stories of Kev the Kitten – the local loon. During the hot summer months gangs of us would go swimming in the canal behind the pub and throw passers by in to relieve the boredom. One summer about twenty of us decided to take the Mersey on and swam over to Moore Quarry the other side. I look out to where we made our crossing and a lonely off white swan swims by in the sludgy brown water, making a better job of it than what I did 25 years ago. I ended up about a two miles away on the other side of the river bank when the current took me for a spin.

The tow-path takes me down the back of the Power Station and I look across to the long conveyor belts near the railway line that come out of the coal house then disappear from view up towards the main building. They stand still, not moving an inch and were once there was, on average, about four trains an hour pulling up, I haven’t seen or heard one today. Pipes of ‘God knows what’ spew out into the canal and as I stare an oil can comes sailing by and I feel like growing fins and falling in with the bricks the bikes the rusty tin. I dismount and take a few pictures but I’m scared off when a couple of traveller urchins from the near by camp eye up my camera. So off I peddle towards Spike Island, stopping off only once more before I reach my destination, at some jetty thing that has been purposely been built for twitchers. There is information boards telling you of the wildlife to look out for in the marsh land, some weird metal tree/mobile mast?? and a load of empty Super Tenants cans. I look over yonder at Runcorn and to to where the new apartment blocks have sprouted up on the water front. A Ryan Air bus fly’s past and disappears over the Jarg Sydney Harbour bridge on towards JLA.

I make it to Spike Island and what first hits me about the place is how small it looks. Last time I was here was in 1989 to see the Roses and from memory it seemed bigger. I cycle around it in minutes avoiding the early morning dog walking drunks trying to hide there moonshine in paper bags. I turn round and retrace my tyre tracks back towards the starting point of my journey. Face and kit full off mud I strip off in the back garden and hose down the bike, before replacing it back in the shed.

Tomorrow my ride will take me up the St Helens Canal in the opposite direction, going through Sankey Valley and ending up at Carr Mill Dam. Then the next day I will follow the Canal and then the Manny Ship Canal, before I get on the Trans Pennine trail at Latchford locks. A ride that will take me through Lymm and past Dunham Massey before meeting up with the Mersey again in Carrington near the Ashton-on-Mersey Golf Club. Then the day after I might head out to the quiet lanes of Cheshire on the road bike and go eyeballs out towards Acton Bridge then ride on to Delamere before descending down into Frodsham and taking the Runcorn Bridge way back home. Just hope it stays dry*.

*Got absolutely drenched on the Carr Mill trip and sheltered from the storm under the Sankey Viaduct.

Sunday Ride: Planned on going to Zanstaad (never go there!), first off, got held up as I passed the Olympic Stadium by the Marathon that was taking place. Got lost in Westhaven and with no bridge to take me across the water to Zanstaad I ended up heading up to Spaarnwoude where I had a race with some horses then it was on to Halfweg, Zwanenburg then home (where I got stuck in the lift in my flats for ten minutes). Boring day really, with quite a nip in the Autumn air.

Sunday Ride : Followed the A2 out the city till the bike path ran out. Snaked over the motorway towards Abcoude then Weesp, before finally ending up in Vinkelveen. Stopped at the side of a big lake, ate some Mello Cakes and had a drink. Seen some boss kens. Got over taken by 40 motor bikers. Then hung on to a couple of wheels as I struggled into a head wind on the Ouderkerk loop. Home, bike cleaned and looking forward to next Sunday already.