JOIN ME ON THE WAGON!

FF, 6 years ago I was unwell so I had a blood test, result was my liver was in a very bad way, I was told to stop drinking right away, which I did for 6 months, I then got the all clear, I thought one drink wont do any harm, I was soon back to drinking full time again.

3 years ago, another blood test, same again, but not as bad, gave up for about 2 month then started again.

The amount I have been drinking since it is bound to be damaged again, even knowing that I am finding so hard to quit, it has really got a hold of me...

It is so unbelievably sad that alcohol can have such an effect on people. I truly think that it will be the ruin of our marriage. I really can't imagine him giving it up .... I can't even talk to him about it without him getting really defensive. I know he knows how I feel and I think if I go tee-total it will reinforce those feelings, but not sure he could do it for me or the kids if I'm brutally honest.

He's never unwell though, so maybe his liver is fine but I personally think he looks like he is developing ascites because his tummy looks like it ought to be producing kicks!!! I sometimes wish something would happen to his health to make him realise that drinking and smoking as much as he does is going to leave me a widow sooner than I'm prepared to be (he's already 13 years older than me)!

The fact that you can come on here and admit the problem Gaz has surely got to be half of the battle. You have my 100% support because that makes you twice the person my hubby is already.

Talking about it really helps, the more I talk the more it helps.The Booze thread over on Beginners has really helped me.

You really must try to get your hubby to stop or at least cut down, you should get him to look at this thread and the beginners booze thread.

Alcohol played a big part in ending my marriage, my ex drank very heavy and got very violent with it, she was also very defensive when questioned about her drinking, she said she didn't have a problem, she did, it all got too much.

When I was first told to stop because of my liver the first thing she did was to drink till she passed out.

I too am worried about my daughters losing their Dad, I have a 10 year old who lives with her mam and a 18 year old who lives with me, my eldest is the only one who knows the ammount I drink.

gaz-i just want to give you a big hug and make it all better but we all know that wont solve the problem. I agree i think if you have a partner who drinks then it is very difficult to escape the trap. indeed i have found it hard when a partner drinks socially let alone to passing out stage. if i am with someone for dinner for example, i tend to have nigh on two bottles of wine to myself throughout a night, btu as banbury says and everyone really has pointed out it doesnt make you feel any good...

the problem is im injured at the moment and had to drop out of FLM so am fed up, running is one of my main activities so instead all ive been doing is eating rubbish and drinking to excess..these last few months have shown me how much i (we) need running in my life. i know that sounds crap but do you know what i mean?

Most of the time I feel so depressed, like a big black cloud has descended on me and it only goes away when I don't drink.

I have been running on and off most of my life but I have now been diognosed as having osteoarthritis in my hips and big toes, my right hip is the worst, it is stopping me running so I have turned more to drink and eating rubbish, and the weight has piled on.Running used to keep me sane, although it too was an addiction, a good one though, it really is so hard when you can't run, I hope your injury gets better soon.

oh gaz- what else do you enjoy?i have started a french class to keep myself occupied, but again these are all superficial measures to keep busy, not finding the underlying cause...have you seen anyone for your depression? is it casued by something in particular or is it just there? you dont have to answer whatsoever, these are very personal questions i know.

Laurac, at the moment I am very withdrawn, I hide away in my house, I don't really do anything except watch tv, I find it really hard to talk to people for the first time, I have always been shy but these days I am a lot worse.I don't really enjoy doing anything, at the moment life is just a pain.

I have not seen anyone for depression, I should really. All my life I have always been on one level, but for the last couple of years my moods have been high or really low, my mood can change in minutes.I can be doing really well then I could hear a song on the radio or see something that brings back memories then before I know whats happened I have a drink in my hand.The day after drinking I feel so depressed so I have a drink and feel better, then next day same again.When I manage to stay off the drink the depression all but goes away.

I have been through quite a lot over the last few years, my mam died, my dad was diognosed with cancer but after 2 big ops he is doing ok, I was made redundant then my wife walked out, everytime I seem to be getting it together something else comes up and kicks me in the teeth.As the old saying goes "If it wasn't for bad luck, I would have no luck at all"

I have been drinking for 32 years, it has become part of my life (existence) and I find it so hard to get my head round not drinking for the rest of my life..

"You obviously told yourself it was time to stop - did you dabble with stopping before becoming Tee Total or was it a 'this is it' moment and what made you stop?" (Jammie Dodger)

In a sense, it was a bit of both. A bit of background: I started drinking heavily about four years ago, in response to specific problems which were causing quite heavy depression. I also started smoking a lot of weed and taking a few other drugs at around the same time, for the same reason. In essence, I was drinking, smoking and whatnot in order to block out the world: while I was drunk or high, it didn't hurt.

Because of all this, there's a period of a year or two that I barely remember. I have flashes of memory, but most of it is just haze. I know, however, that there was at least one person who contributed strongly to my coming out of the other end. I'm not sure how or why this individual had such an effect, but (unknowingly) they probably saved my life.

Emerging from the end of this period, I knew that I had to get things under control. The drug intake decreased significantly, as did the drink, but I stopped neither. For the next year or two, I did quite well at maintaining the illusion (to myself as much as to anyone else) that I was in control. However, while my personal circumstances had begun to improve, I was still depressed and most of me still felt that hiding behind substances was the answer, so my drinking steadily crept up again.

Towards the end of 2004, I had what you might call a flash of clarity and realised that it was the drink that was in control, not me, and that if I didn't change that, I stood to lose everything. It became clear that I had to stop completely and, in truth, the thing that made me stop was the realisation that I couldn't. I was incapable of going a day without drinking and it had become the most important thing in my life. That in itself was not a situation I was happy with. Having worked out that I really had to stop, I made several attempts at it before I finally succeeded. Unintentional pressure from well-meaning friends, a bad day or just plain human weakness always led to my slithering off the wagon, until the one time that I didn't.

Having had my last drink, I went into withdrawal, which in my case amounted to seven weeks of Hell, which I don't think I could have survived without a couple of close friends and one conversation with an old tutor who'd been through the same, who said a few things that scared the bejeesus out of me.

All in all, then, it was knowing what I had to lose that made me stop, and a combination of fear, the support and inspiration of others and sheer stubbornness that made me stick it out.

I still struggle sometimes, but it gets much easier much faster than you expect. I'm sorry to have made this such a long post, but I am living proof that it can be done, and I hope I can inspire others in the way that certain people inspired me.

If you talk to any recovering alcoholic Gaz I think you'll find that once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. You just need to become one that doesn't drink. How about support groups etc., I know you're shy but it could be just what you need.

You only get one go at this life, only you have the ability to change it and stop wasting such a precious gift. Your health may not be that good, but it's always comparatively better than someone elses and by the sounds of it you have the ability to make it even better yourself. There are others less fortunate.

Write a list of when you drink and find a replacement hobby to fill in those times. Print your last post and stick it everywhere you have access to alcohol, including your wallet. You need to do this for you Gaz!

Thats it, I'm definately not drinking this month! It's a sign of my support mate!

all - i want to reply properly but have had to do work this afternoon (what surprise as I am at work!) but want to say hang in there Gaz-i do know how you feel to a certain extent - being euphoric and really low the next is not good- being numb isnt great either, but being neutral with semi highs and lows is better...again cant suggest anything excpet what fat fyes says- you need to get out there, but its hard to tell yourself there are people worse off when you are in that frame of mind. But youve got to hang on to that and raelsie that yoou are a good person. Im not trying to be all gushing, but even from words on a computer screen I can see that you are articulate and intelligent. Bunbury I can really emphasise with you. I ahd a year like that-at the time you think its fun, now not so.Fat fyes-woo hoo, join me!

That is my main problem, being a loner, I am not a team player, I suppose thats why I like running.I know I must put myself about more, I am always saying to myself that todays the day, but it never is, I get fired up then back down.

I think if I can get to 2 or 3 weeks not drinking the depression will have lifted and I will have a better chance of doing this.

If its anything like giving up smoking Gaz I think its best to set a date to stop. Giving up on impulse never seems to work. I'm sure there's meds to help too (like nicotein replacement), but you'd have to go to Doc for that I think and I'm not sure how acurate that is. Really think you need some outside support though.

I got angry that not only was I a slave to a substance (nicotein), I was also making the government a lot of money in the process. Lets face it, if they didn't make as much money on cigarettes and alcohol they'd have banned it ages ago. Refuse to conform Gaz!! Rebellll!!

Although I am a loner, when I lived in Leeds before I got married I had a large circle of friends, thinking about it they where all drinking friends, I never realised it before, I had no friends outside of drinking....Then I got married and moved to the North East, lost contact with all my friends, never made any real friends up here, just work colleagues, lost contact with them now.

I read a book by Allen Carr about giving up alcohol, while reading the book you had to keep on drinking then as soon as you finish the book you have your last drink, then you have quit, I felt really good on finishing the book and It did work for a couple of weeks but I caved in again, but the book has worked for a lot of people.

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