December 28, 2012

This year started with dancing to completely crazy songs of the 90s Bollywood era, while sipping on some RS, and I have a feeling, right inside the crazy gut, that it is also going to end the same way. Most of my friends would prefer it NOT to end that way again, but, then again, those are the ones who also happen to enjoy all those shiny, glittery and 'paaun-waaun' songs of the 90s and early 80s that might as well have shaped our childhood. Or, at least, 30 per cent of it. How else would we have known to differentiate bad from good, or good from bad, or even, the worst?!

But, this year was soo terrible for me. I just couldn't bear it. The only thing good that happened this year was that it was like a whirlwind, and it is soon going to end, and I will be done with it. The year started off with somethings that left me upset, and for a while I felt down, and I did not want to have anything to do with anyone. February, if I am recalling correctly, was a terrible month, yet again. Things that happened in that month were far off from what I had imagined how 2012 was going to be like. Far off. I wasn't able to express my feelings to anybody, and I had to succumb to keeping all of it bottled inside of me, but, man, was I lucky that it all did not end up in enraging me. But, I think, all this accounts to why and how I felt about the present year as soo brutal, and heart-breaking, although, I know I will suffer again.

Heart-break. Yeah. I suffered that. But, that accounts to very little. Just a tiny bit. I haven't lost hope, but, I might just lose my head if I keep wandering about all this. I have forgotten about all of this, whatever happened, and I'd like it to be kept that way. Till eternity, even.

Summer was okay. Fridays in the summer were the best. Some know why, and some don't, but, I know they were great. I went against my own principles and suffered, and I am sure other people suffered to, but, nevertheless, I still love them, just as much as I had, and always have. Again, these instances account for very little in making my year terrible (or, as I imagine it to be).

The wost thing that happened? This year was uninspiring.

Then there was Weekender, and this year's Puja. We probably celebrated Puja this year as grown-ups. And, finally! Now, it's not just going to be baba and his friends finishing whole bottles of Glenfiddich, but, we'll somehow arrange for our Jim Beam(s) as well. What lesson did this teach me? Why, that Puja is always a life-saver. Every other thing sucked the fun out of my life. Every THING, not everyBODY. This month of October, which when I come to think of it, became my very own month of Beer Fest (okay, not just beer), November came.

And how I hate that month.

Not a year has passed, which I can remember clearly, when November hasn't been the most horrible month of my entire life. Ah, fuck, I'll just cut to the chase...I hate NOVEMBER. It's 30 days of bad luck for me. BAD fucking luck.

Unfortunately, December isn't really turning out to be great either. Which disappointed me further. This month was HORRIBLE. I can't imagine the plight of that young girl who got soo brutally tortured in that God forsaken bus. But, this, along with the entire thought-process that goes with this situation, agitated me and made me reflect upon myself. And, I am angry. Please don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy cos I went through heart-break, or because, I am not attending the most amazing party there will be; I am angry, not at anybody, or anyone, but, yes, at some things, however tiny or massive they may seem; I am angry.

I am angry that January began with a fuck-up, and February started with revelations.I am angry that February ended with heart-break, and March was my month of a seriously bad trip, literally.I am angry that March ended with an end to my temptation, and April, May, June and July I felt like an uninspired goof, roaming, drinking, smoking, and craving for more stupidity.I am angry that August left too early, and September was nothing great.I am angry that October kept me happy, and November ruined that brief moment of happiness.I am angry that December gave me hope, which turned out to be false.

I am angry, because, I know this year has made me care less, think too much, and give up on a lot of things.

But, it has taught me to keep away from secrets, of my own and of others; to keep away from confusion. to know what is there in my mind and make it matter. to control the urge. to let go of the urge at the right time, too. to finally get angry.