We Americans are facing an ideological threat to our stomachs: a threat more menacing than a free KFC Double Down and Paula Deen’s fat-laden cooking combined. There are reactionary religious conservatives who want to take our sacred Thin Mints away from us.

We rational people can laugh off the Westboro Baptist Church’s highly unethical protests and tune out the Tea Party’s ramblings with ease. But if someone’s going to call for a boycott on Girl Scout cookies because of the GSUSA’s liberal stance on sex education and transgender equality, then they’ll have to take my Tagalongs from my cold dead hands.

On Jan. 22, a teenage girl from HonestGirlScouts.com posted a video on YouTube calling for people to boycott the sales of Girl Scout cookies. That’s right; she wanted us to stop eating the little disks of heaven that are sold to a salivating public. This outcry was sparked by two seemingly benign, progressive events: the inclusion of sex education as a Girl Scout activity, and the acceptance of 7-year-old Bobby Montoya into the Girl Scouts of Colorado.

The first “wrong move” was the inclusion of Real Life. Real Talk, a sex education program that aims to create an open environment and discussion about sex so as to help teenage girls make informed decisions. Honest Girl Scouts not only opposes the idea of educating young women about sex and sexual health but also the idea of young women having an open dialogue about sex.

Add this with Honest Girl Scout anti-GSUSA propaganda saying that GSUSA supports Planned Parenthood and the UN Anti-Population goals and you’ve painted a picture of the Honest Girl Scouts valiantly fighting against the travesties of sexual enlightenment, health and a world with a stable population. Sadly, the last two measures are blatant lies by HGS but if they were true it’d make me want to buy even more delicious cookies.

HGS’s other main issue with GSUSA is the acceptance of the 7-year-old girl Bobby Montoya. HGS’ problem with the inclusion of Montoya is that Montoya is biologically male. While this wouldn’t seem like much of an issue, the pure intolerance and ignorance displayed by HGS makes the event practically a crime, particularly in propaganda stating that “the Girl Scouts council is more focused on pushing this agenda for one boy over the concerns of hundreds of ‘real’ girls.”

This blatantly pisses me off. If a person identifies as female then they are for all intents and purposes female. So, if GSUSA were “pushing” the agenda of LGBT tolerance it’d make them more reasonable than the Westboro Baptist Church’s anti-LBGT protests, former Rep. Rick Santorum’s pro-government-regulation stance regarding homosexual acts and FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly equating homosexuals with terrorists. In fact, if Bobby Montoya happened to be selling Girl Scout cookies on Main Street, I’d buy an unhealthy stockpile of Trefoils.

Let’s show the reactionary Honest Girl Scouts that the recent moves made by GSUSA are in fact good for our society. Let’s back GSUSA in educating our next generation in tolerance, sexual health, responsibility and leadership. Let your wallet, stomach and salivary glands vote for a better tomorrow. In the meantime, I plan on spending at least a few days in a Samoa-induced hyperglycemic coma.