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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist

Category: Mental Health

Satisfied Customers: 3189

Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach

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I have been abused mentally, sexually, physically and verbally

Resolved Question:

I have been abused mentally, sexually, physically and verbally by my brother since my first memories approximately age 5. He would crawl into my bed when I was small and ride me. I would be sore and rashed all the time. My mother caught him once, told him to go back to bed and called me a cruel name. My brother is 4 years older than I. He was verbally, mentally and physically abusive also. He would tell others, friends, neighbors that there was something wrong with me and not to believe anything I said. He would verbally abuse me in front of others all the time. I was always trying to avoid him in school because of his bullying and abusiveness towards me and others. I was embarrassed of his behavior. Once at age 16, I pulled into our driveway and made dust. My brother had just washed his car. He pulled me from my car, rubbed my face in the gravel/stone and kicked me. I crawled to the house and layed in my room crying and sobbing uncontrollably. His girlfriend at the time, now his wife, came in and apologized for his behavior. This is the type of treatment I have always had to tolerate from him. His verbal abuse was always telling me I was a f'n this and f'n that. At 53, that still continues. I have watched him punch my father, verbally and physically abuse my parents and myself. My mother never told him this was unacceptable or not to treat me like he did. She told me several times not to tell my dad. When he was 30 he became a cocaine addict. He robbed my parents home more than once, did whatever he had to do to get drugs and money. He manipulated my parents, his wife and destroyed his daughters childhood. He was still very abusive to me unless he wanted money or to borrow my car. When he was "high" he was nice. But when he wasn't, he was his mean, miserable, abusive self. The abuse has gone on for all of my life. I am 53 now with a very loving and chistian husband and three sons. I have spent my life making sure they did not follow in my brothers footsteps. I have kept my distance when I could. In January, he found out that I had tried to speak to my mom about the abuse and several thousands of dollars worth of jewelry that was missing, my husband and I had purchased her over several years. He also found out that she had saved a substantial amount of money in her savings. In a rage, he took her to the bank and had her take my name off her account and put his name on it. He then moved my mom out of the home we purchased for her, and into a home beside him. When we try to visit my mother he physically attacks my family. He has had harrassment charges put on him twice now. I believe that he has told my mom he will kill us if she opens the door. He now goes around town to family and friends telling everyone that he had to move my mom out because we were stealing from her. I have not had contact with my 86 year old mom for 5 months. Just more abuse in a different form. I have tried to self help by reading my bible and listening to cd's on abuse. My brother has some form of mental abuse and should have been stopped a long time ago. My mother is an enabler and so is his wife, despite the abuse inflicted on them. So many lives have been destroyed by this man, and he continues. Everytime he destroys my property and we call the police, they say,"prove it." What is wrong with him??? How can I stop him?? He is trying to make me look like the bad one, when in fact, I'm the good one.

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am truly sorry to know about the chronic and serious abuse at multiple levels you have suffered from childhood.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The story you shared is very sad and serious, since it shows how your brother has been deeply disturbed in his personality, behaviors, mood and relationship from early in life, and without doubt, the severe spoiling, lack f adequate parenting, discipline and boundaries, the overwhelming codependency literally shaping and empowering all these distortions by your parents, have led to the person he has been all his life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am glad to know you have a good and supportive husband and that have learned to distance yourself from him. Current situation is far away from perfect because of how abuse has been perpetuated and still enabled by your mother. Reality is that as long as he has close people in his life fueling his destructive and abusive ways, his serious mental and behavioral disorders and addictions, it would be hopeless, and time would only deepen what has been already present for so long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thus the best you could do is to focus on taking good care of yourself, your family and what depends on you. You would need to start preparing yourself to gather "evidence", you could use to better protect yourselves and hopefully stop him in some of his abusive behaviors.

Customer:

Do I now have to give up my mom, because of his controlling, voilent and abusiveness? I am hurt and feel abandoned by my mother. I have recently had to go on zoloft. what do you think is wrong with him, personality disorder?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Nowadays technology allows anybody to easily get proof of any form of abuse. From a portable audio recorder to a mini camera, you could get all the evidence anybody in your shoes would need to support your words and reports to police. If he calls you by phone, you could request police to intervene your line to record messages, or you could even consider getting a simple little device giving you that functionality. My point here is that there are multiple viable and simple ways to protect your self and effectively cope while gathering evidence to proof any form of further abuse he may present.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on your description I'd say that he may suffer for several mental health disorders, personality problems plus addiction-s, all of them deeply distorting from thinking to mood, coping , relationships , functioning and everything else in his life. I have to say that the worst source fueling all his destructive ways , as sad as it sounds, are your mother and his wife, and without significant improvements in them it would be hopeless to expect any good change in him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very painful but it seems obvious the severe neglect from your parents started in your early childhood, and it has not changed, and I doubt it would change once she has been deepening such approach most of your life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very painful to acknowledge that, but necessary for you to take better care of yourself.

Customer:

I was told by him he would kill me if we went near her, but again the police says prove it. I am lost and again controlled by this evil man.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's why I suggested you to seriously consider using technology in order to get evidence of all these seriously abusive behaviors.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX do that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That way no matter what he recognizes or denies, or how much police believes you or not, evidence would be there and nobody would be able to deny reality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please look for psychotherapy for you to get the professional support you need and deserve, since all these are very challenging and painful life issues, and anybody in your shoes would be overwhelmed by them. Thus counseling - psychotherapy would significantly help you better coping and taking care of yourself and who-what depends on you.

I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

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I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly.
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