Columnists

Lube up the fleshlight. Dust off the anal beads. Shine up the vibrator. Give Blow-Up Betty a wipe down. Bust out those cucumbers. Ice picks, barstool legs, bubble wands, bananas, fly swatters, two-by-fours, tailpipes, pool noodles, vacuum hoses, canes, glory holes, what have thee. May is masturbation month. And May 28 is National Masturbation Day, or as our British and...

We’re going deeper today into the world of audio cables, like a pearl diver testing her limits. Let’s see if I can keep this entertaining! Continuing our series on symptoms of a serious audio system, today’s subject is the use of balanced audio cables in a system. These will typically show up between a preamplifier or home theater processor and...

The Yeti, a mythical creature native to the Himalayas, is no longer mythical having been discovered by an Indian army patrol in Kashmir on Tuesday. The 1,500-pound “abominable snow man” of lore sat down with reporter John Bear at a Starbucks somewhere near Denver to talk about politics, mountain climbing and coffee. John: Hi. How are you today, Mr. Yeti?...

Dear Ms. Fantz, As a retired Kentucky Derby horse, I’ve been relegated to breeding to spread my statuesque genes. I seriously have to pump the pretty ladies up with my thoroughbred juices at least three times a day. (My all-time high was nine times in one day. I was so hungry after that, could have eaten a horse.) My dad...

In one week, I will be graduating and beginning my life in the so-called “real world.” My four years at CU have been memorable to say the least, and I will be taking everything I’ve learned and experienced in college with me into the next chapter of my life. During this time, I’ve had a personal renaissance in my own...

I was a 20-year-old virgin. I’m not a virgin anymore, but I wish I had the 20-year-old body, lack of injuries and fearlessness again. Learning from my relationship mistakes made me a tiny bit smarter. I’m still no expert on women, but I have hard truths I can share with the young fellas. Nobody expects you to know everything when...

If you work evening shifts, you will eventually find yourself wrenched out of deep REM in the middle of the goddamn night by the UPS driver delivering some over-packaged knickknack at 8 a.m. You'll also get used to frequent eye rolls when you sleepily wish people a good morning at noon. There are perks, though. When you hit the grocery...

“So, what do we think?” I asked with a grin. Manfriend pretended to shudder. “My god,” he said, smirking at the bob atop my head. “I rather fancy it,” I chuckled, inwardly relishing the breeze on my neck. With my previous pixie cut now grown out to a chin-length mess, I could return to my days of wee ponytails. And...

Last week at a local brewery, the mood inside the women’s restroom was one of absolute euphoria. Due to the simple fact that there were more men than women in attendance on this particular night, the men’s restroom had a hefty waiting line while the two-stall women’s restroom functioned efficiently. There was a small line — about three to four...