Of skeletal remains and mortgages

September 14, 2010

Today I dug up what appeared to be a relatively fresh grave. It was behind the burnt remains of what is probably the cabin featured in most of the found footage. I originally came across it a few days ago and the filmmakers seemed pretty convinced that I should check what’s buried. Though the soil is clearly composed of some sort of ultra-dense clay making it nearly impossible to exhume without extensive archeology skills, I found this after only a few minutes of excavation:

My muscles are sore.

At first assuming it was a sabretooth tiger, or possibly a pterodactyl, the bones were not fossilized so I deducted the only other obvious possibility:
The Montauk Monster washed up on the shores of New York in 2008. Could it be that I had now located the only known second set of remains? Had this godforsaken gig brought me to the holy grail of modern day cryptozoology? I dug further. Literally.

Pretty sure I pulled a muscle despite my rigorous training regime.

My mind spun at the possibility of two Montauk Monsters, or perhaps even a baby brontosuarus, as this skeleton was clearly much older. And just then a man approached. I believe he said his name was Ted.

Used car salesman smile and thrift store suit, he asked me why I was digging up dead dogs. Then with a warm chuckle he proceeded to explain to me that he would actually sell me one of the nearby grave plots at a discounted rate if I were to provide him a small upfront fee. I told him that I didn’t have any money because the filmmakers haven’t paid me anything yet, but I would get back to him. Then I asked him why there were no markers in his graveyard. He gave me this long spiel on the semantics of the words “ownership” and “cemetery”. I was pretty lost but the cool thing was he said that if I were to get back to him in the next week we could work out a payment plan. I made a joke about paying a mortgage on a grave plot which he thought was hilarious. Anyhow, nice guy and the first normal person I’ve met in weeks. Would of grabbed a beer with him but the day’s mission was still afoot. I continued digging until my shovel again struck something just slightly more solid than the steel-like clay soil:

Speciality items are usually worth more on E-Bay than Craigslist.

Seems like you can just dig a whole anywhere out here and find something. I don’t think I’ll be buying that plot from Ted.