Women’s Sexuality: Why I Risk Being Risqué

May 13, 2020

Why Real Talk About Women’s Sexuality is Important

“Some of your articles are a little over the top don’t ya think?” he said. “You don’t see articles in Men’s Health about anal sex…”

A recent conversation with a man who had been reading the articles I write and publish on women’s sexuality convinced me that it’s time to clarify why I started Locker Room Talk, and why She Explores Life doesn’t shy away from publishing articles about women’s sexuality and taboo sex topics that affect nearly ALL women.

Admittedly, I’ve been nervous about writing and publishing outspoken, honest articles on women’s sexuality. I’m fully aware that many of the topics we tackle, that share what women are really saying behind closed doors, are considered “dirty” or “too kinky” for a mainstream publication.

Even (and perhaps unsurprisingly) Facebook has refused to boost some of our articles because of their “explicit content.” And Google Ads won’t event run ads on this article! But this is exactly why columns like Locker Room Talk—and articles like the ones that appear in it—need to be written. I firmly believe that women’s sexuality, needs to become mainstream if women ever hope to attain equality.

The Modern Day Sex Column & Missionary Position

A quick perusal
of the Men’s Health “Sex, Dating & Women” section reaffirmed my belief
in the need for more real, raw articles about women’s sexuality written by women.
Filled with a plethora of stories like one claiming to reveal sexual positions
that “guarantee her orgasm,” only to serve up a couple of variations on the
snooze-worthy, male-oriented missionary position, it’s clear to me that the folks
at Men’s Health (and many, many other mainstream publications) are still
pandering to a population that isn’t quite ready to allow women to step into and
own their sexual power.

That’s right, most of the articles you come across while scouring the internet for answers to questions like, “How to give her an orgasm?” or “What are the best sexual positions for women?” are written from the perspective of a patriarchal sexual paradigm: a paradigm designed to oppress women.

The History of Sex & Power

Historically, women’s value was made or degraded by their sexual experience. Virgins were worth more than women who had already had sex with a man. And you were a ruined woman if you had engaged in sex with more than one man. On the contrary, young men were expected—and even encouraged—to sow their wild oats before they settled down. This imbalance in judgment and expectation, though currently on the course to correction (perhaps I’m being optimistic), is still prevalent today.

While women are
no longer generally expected to save their virginity until marriage, we
still face harsh judgment when it comes to engaging in casual sex or “sowing
our wild oats”. And, when it comes to women’s sexuality and sexual pleasure, many
topics that affect a large number of us are considered shameful and thus reduced
to whispered discussions nowhere near the earshot of decent folks.

Conversations about how to deal with a lover’s request for anal sex, or how to shut down some of the heinous things that men do without consent in bed, are often relegated to private settings—like the beloved locker room—where women can share and seek support from one another without judgment.

Who Women’s Locker Room Talk Benefits

Now I’m not going
to lie to you. I chose Locker Room Talk as the name for my column as a
big, “Fuck you!” to Trump and those who were so quick to dismiss his rapey, caught-on-tape
trailer-talk, before the 2016 election. And as much as it might seem like it at
first glance, this column isn’t an affront to men. When I began writing it with
my partner Kelli, the intention was to create a column that would help women find
real answers, to real questions they have about sex.

Women looking to find sexual fulfillment with their partners (male or female) are sure to be disappointed with the rehashed old-school advice regurgitated in both online and print articles. Most of what you’ll find is the same unhelpful, pg-rated, male-oriented advice written in a slightly different language. I mean, what a shame. All of those articles serving up all of that advice and women still aren’t orgasming (especially when they are with men) during sex.

And look, don’t
take my word for it. Recent
studies have found the following:

95%
of heterosexual men orgasm during sex

89%
of gay men orgasm during sex

88%
of bisexual men orgasm during sex

86%
of lesbians orgasm during sex

Here is where a
significant shift takes place:

66%
of bisexual women orgasm during sex

65%
of heterosexual women orgasm during sex

Heterosexual and bisexual women are having significantly fewer orgasms than all men, but most significantly, heterosexual men. Worth noting is the impressively higher number of women enjoying orgasms in lesbian relationships—relationships where women communicate their deepest sexual desires (taboo or not) with one another. Lesbians also tend to spend time in community with other women where they can talk more openly about subjects others might consider taboo and to be saved for more private spaces.

Also worth noting is the conclusion drawn by the study, which states, “Compared to women who orgasmed less frequently, women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to: receive more oral sex, have longer lasting sexual experiences, ask for what they want in bed, call/email to tease about doing something sexual, try new sexual positions & anal stimulation, act out fantasies, incorporate sexy talk, and express love during sex.” Note, many of the above-mentioned conditions are topics we address in our women’s sexuality columns.

How Men Benefit From Articles About Women’s Sexuality, Written by Women

While I will admit, Locker Room Talk was initially created as a women’s sexuality column meant only for women, I have come to recognize how important it is for men to read these, along with the variety of additional articles published on our site, that address sex and relationships.

Taboo topics
about sex are rarely one-sided. They get talked about behind closed doors
because all partners involved have some level of interest. While heterosexual
men have traditionally led the conversation on sex, which has played a hand in
the oppression and lack of orgasms women experience, research
shows they are deeply invested in their partner’s sexual satisfaction.

I believe that sharing what women have to say about their sexual desires, fantasies, needs, and experiences will help both women and men experience increased sexual satisfaction in their relationships and hopefully lead to a whole lot of real orgasms.

Why Orgasms are Important

This might seem like a stupid question, but some will say that sex and sexual fulfillment isn’t or shouldn’t be that important in the grand scheme of life. I mean, I simply disagree, however, to satisfy those who may not feel the same, I’m going to end this article with a number of really important benefits that people experience from great sex and regular orgasms. You decide for yourself how important it is.

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Annette is a writer, editor and photographer from Portland, OR. Her work appears in a variety of publications including Bust, Red Tricycle, Motherly and Domino. When she’s away from her desk she can be found teaching women yoga at wilderness retreats, exploring new cities across the states and hiking the trails at Mt. Rainier—one of her favorite places on earth.