The Third Emotional Battle

When you have been discarded, you face three battles in order to secure your freedom. The first is the Emotional Battle which you always lose until you learn not fight it. The second is the Heart V Head Battle which must be fought many times until you finally overcome the powerful effects of emotion and allow your cool, hard logic to dictate. Once that battle has been won, you have managed to navigate a way through the emotional ocean and then you have reached dry land on the other side. This is where the third battle is joined. This dry land provides you with a firmer foundation and just like the discovery of the New World, boundless opportunities. You are no longer prone to the vagaries of the swelling and dramatic ocean of emotions. That is not to say that your emotions have been switched off. Far from it. Instead, the solidity of this land is a reflection of the greater control you now have over your emotions as you ally them with the logic that you have regained. No longer do you feel overwhelmed. You are not beset by anxiety. Fear does not maintain a near permanent grip on your stomach. You were repeatedly drowned as you tried to swim the emotional ocean alone in the first battle. You saw yourself swamped and capsized on numerous occasions as reach time you increased your intellect and understanding as you built larger and more seaworthy vessels until finally you navigated your war through that broiling sea of feelings and now you stand on firm, dry and solid land. Your critical thinking has increased, your sense of calm has bloomed and you have gained greater control.

You stand before a land of opportunities and this is where you are now able to make the decisions. In the previous two battles you were overwhelmed and then often on the back foot. Here, in this final battle, you have the opportunity to seize and maintain the upper hand. You have so many choices available to you now.

You may decide to build a large tower and secrete yourself inside. You have the sturdy foundation now on which to construct this edifice. You are safe and secure high up in this tower. You admit visitors but only those that you know can be trusted. Occasionally you hear a knock in the dead of night. You make your way to the balcony and look down from your towering height to see us stood outside knocking on the door and seeking admittance. You may feel the surge of those emotions once more but you have greater control now. You may call out and wave, issuing a polite greeting and no more. You may decide just to turn around and leave us to our ineffectual knocking. Either way in this battle you have seized control and you are far better equipped to make rational decisions which suit you and prevent you from being wholly governed by those turbulent emotions.

You may decide to forge ahead and seek out new adventures in this land. You meet new people and form fresh and lasting friendships, perhaps even finding someone with whom you can share intimacy and romance. As you trek through this land, gathering new friends and revisiting those who were conned into severing the ties with you, you remain vigilant for out of nowhere we might appear. We might strike, lurching through a crowd hurling insults. You are better armed this time and able to shield yourself before moving away, refusing to be drawn into responding and a war of words like you once might have done. It may be the case, as you embrace these new horizons that we appear, smiling and benign, sidling up to you and taking you by surprise. The risk always remains, for if you are abroad within this new land, you cannot place yourself behind sturdy defences. Thus, you remain exposed to ambush and approach. You remain better equipped than you were, as a consequence of your gathered learning, your increased understanding and ongoing recovery. You are in a better position to rebuff the ambush, refusing to engage and making your departure to safer ground. Sometimes you may be caught and those emotions wash about you as we try to haul you back across the sea to a time when you were alone and going under the lashing waves. This risk always remains.

You may opt to establish an estate where you do not take refuge in some tower, but instead you create a place of familiarity where everyone is known to you and you are known to them. You have your supporters in clear view and whilst you may not tread down the path less travelled in search of new territories you reduce your risk of us appearing out of nowhere. These familiar places enable you to maintain clear lines of sight so that if we do make an appearance you are able to take suitable evasive action.

This final battle takes the form of repeated skirmishes as we seek to catch you unawares and drag you back to an earlier battle where our prospects of success are maximised. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes one of our devious ploys catches you unaware and we scale your tower and appear on your balcony like that once desired Prince Charming again and your defences are breached. Other times you repel our approaches, turning your back or cutting us down with new learned techniques which force us to withdraw. You may see no action for weeks, months and even years as new reaches you that we are fighting on other fronts, seemingly content to leave you be. At least for the time being. Then out of nowhere you may reduce your vigilance and we are by your side, seeking to snake our tendrils around you once again. In this final battle you now know what to look for. When we march on to the battle field you see and take heed of the red flags which stream behind us. You have learned methods by which you can counter and neutralise our manipulations. You have established safe territories to which you might retreat if the need arises. You have fashioned your own armoury in this new land of hope and promise. You now know how you can wound us and now, exerting greater control, you do so which gives us no option but to disengage from the skirmish and skulk away to lick our wounds and regroup.

This final battle takes place in a land where the battlefield, for the first time, is more of your choosing than ours. You have better equipped to fight this battle and whilst there remains a risk of defeat and you being ensnared once again, it is far less than in the previous two battles. You are battle-hardened and those scars are worn as badges of honour as you stand tall for the first time in, well, you cannot recall when that last happened, but it has happened at last.

Thus, this is the final battle post discard. The battle that takes place on dry land. Should you overcome the first two battles, this is where you will find yourself. Now you understand where you will end up as you deal with the fallout from being discarded. Now you are aware of what will happen, what to expect and how you are in a better position to keep winning the skirmishes in this final battle. This only leaves one question remaining. How long will this final battle last?

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80 thoughts on “The Third Emotional Battle”

RS, your story sounds very similar to my story. My brothers, and my ex-lesser were all Navy Seals, who are extremly messed up in the head. The men are all gorgeous. The women were not aloud to try out. The Air force is known for having the best looking women in the military, so I could see you in Air force.

I find it funny because a lot of people will blame their nasty behavior on the job. No, that job attracts narcisstic men, who are messed up in the head prior to joining the military, which is why they made the teams in the first place. The men that made the Seal Teams, were the ones that had horrific childhoods.

RS, your life sounds a lot like mine at the moment, and has been that way for over a year now. I have isolated myself since my relationship with, the lesser somatic. I’ve gone no contact for 9 months. I have since wanted to live a carefree life like my mother did. My mother was a lesser somatic. Your mother like mine, was much to young to die. The hardest part was being unable to help her, and watching her die a slow painful death. The feeling of helplessness, is a weak feeling, and I do not like it at all. Please make it at least 1 year of no contact with, your ex-narc. You’ve made it this far, go further. Be strong gorgeous. You will feel worse, before you feel better as time goes on.

I have isolated myself since my relationship with, the lesser somatic. I’ve gone no contact for 9 months.

Everyone on here seems to know exactly what their narc is. . . I still haven’t a clue. Mid-Ranger, I’m thinking. I actually don’t care WHAT he is, I just know he was heartless. Taking someone who only ever did whatever he asked of me, and turning me into someone who wanted to die because I was so confused and tormented. All because he was a great piece of ass? What was I thinking?! Reading HG’s book “Sex and the narcissist”, pulled the plug on the only thing I thought we had. I will never forgive him for that. When I read that even THAT was a lie, that he “used my body parts to masturbate with”, that “cuddling made his skin crawl.” . . that was enough for me. Eliza Doolittle has a song called “Missing Kissing”. She says “I’m missing kissing, but I’m not missing you”. That sums it up for me (insert sex, along with the kissing part). I don’t really want him to come around again, I am just missing some romantic excitement in my life. I will wait for the one year mark and have a great party to celebrate! October 20th is the date! Please feel free to come and join me for a drink and dancing on my table top (along with my daughter – she is so proud of me). I make a great Margarita!

My mother was a lesser somatic. Your mother like mine, was much to young to die.

My mother was amazing before my father (narc) got a hold on her. Her first husband was shot in the war (accidentally by his best friend, cleaning his gun. He went insane and ended up in an asylum). That is why my mother joined the Marines. . . to try and do something good for the world. That is where she met my father, who took advantage of her helpless state, and got her pregnant immediately. I digress. . . despite what he did to her, she was the the most loving and caring mother on the planet. She absolutely was too young to die. My father, pig that he was, lived to be 95! Where is the justice in this world?! I will stay “no contact” for her. I feel her presence around me and know she wants me to do this. Yes, I will do this for her.

Wow, death by friendly fire, you don’t hear that to often. My whole family is basically in the military, and the other half is in the police force. I lost a boyfriend in the war. The Lesser was in special operations like my brothers who are also lesser somatics as well. It seems to me that particular field of work is full of them. Your narcissist father impregnated your mother right away, in order to bind her to him. Please go no contact for your beautiful mother, RS. You know what I feel, in the words of my mother, I feel Evil lives on Forever”

I have October 20th written down on my calendar my mother game me. RS’s 1 year no contact celebration day. Strawberry Margarita in hand.

Please go no contact for your beautiful mother, RS. You know what I feel, in the words of my mother, I feel Evil lives on Forever”

I have October 20th written down on my calendar my mother game me. RS’s 1 year no contact celebration day. Strawberry Margarita in hand.

I will do it for my mother. . . yes. Your mother was right, “evil does live on forever”. I will raise my Margarita glass in a toast to her and all that is good in this world, and I will know you are toasting at the same time! (I use lots of limes – no strawberries for me. I love salty and sour) 🍹​🍹​​

I lost a boyfriend in the war. The Lesser was in special operations like my brothers who are also lesser somatics as well. It seems to me that particular field of work is full of them.

How sad that you lost a boyfriend in the war. I am so very sorry for you. I can’t even imagine!! My father and one of my brothers retired from the military. My other two brothers were in also but they only served 4 years. I tried to join the Air Force with my best friend on the “buddy system”. She passed. . . I flunked the test. In my defense, I am horrible at math and there was a whole section showing pictures with dotted lines and you were supposed to say what they looked like when they were folded up…WHAT?!!! I guessed at all of them and got them all wrong. The recruiter told me if I had just not answered them, I would have passed. They only grade you on the ones you answer. It turned out for the best because I think as soon as a drill instructor yelled at me, I would have balled my eyes out and I would have been made fun of for the next 4 years. Her and I are still friends. I just saw her a few weeks ago. We are planning on going to our high school reunion next April (we went to the same school but she was a year ahead of me). The last one I went to, I couldn’t believe how old everyone looked. The women looked much better than the men. 😄​

I can’t believe my somatic didn’t give me an std. He left condoms out for me to see that he was having sex with others (also to assure me, because i said it was a condition, fooling myself i was in any kind of control)–while he indulged in an impregnation fetish (or abuse fetish?) with me. I got checked for everything, twice. I feel very lucky, because you can’t just cure everything with a pill and that was his attitude. He’s young, handsome (with the dead-eyed stare, predatorial look and demeanour that scares kids on the street), and a sex tourist in places like Eastern Europe and the Philippines.

He once thanked me for “trusting” him and said he didn’t want to “ruin my life” – but i don’t know if that was some kind of glimpse of feeling, sense of pride, or if he just didn’t want any responsibility for his actions and justified it all as how he has fun with women – “girls”. Like, he would tell me to quit school, but later tell me he didn’t mean it, or punish me for being available and later say he was just joking. He once told me that he didn’t really want to hurt “little girls” as his face went all sour and contorted, as it did when he was trying to process a feeling or ‘deep’ thought.

I remeber the somatic lesser stating, “what ever STD you get, you can always get rid of it.” The scary part was the unprotected anal sex he would engage in with others. I had no clue until the end of the relationship. I remember a time at school, where I was literally crying because I had a burning sensation that hurt so bad to the point I had to leave class. Bacturia Vaginosis was the gift he gave me, and thank goodness it was curable.

12345, great post. I would have to agree with you, narcissist is a pernament disease, you can’t “shake the disease” of a narcissist. It is stuck with you for life.

there is emotions left, I just learned to be snarky and put up instant walls of no emotions when dealing with a narc. The moment they are pin pointed as such they get no more traction. the neighbor I am currently fighting off gets thought fuel I guess but that’s detached from me. we haven’t been reacting emotionally to her BS… just blocking her when we catch her doing stuff she shouldn’t be to us. I keep my emotions out of it while dealing with her.

The Third Emotional Battle reminds me of a lovely and permanent gift the lofty greater elite gave me…an STD. I remember the words so clearly…”I want to feel every single bit of you” which was his reason for protesting the use of a condom.

Like the third emotional battle, you may go into remission for periods of time but there are always reminders along the way that you carry the disease that is the narcissist. It’s permanent. You will always have a limp. There is no full recovery.

We are lucky to all be alive after being entangled with a Lesser. It was one big nightmare. RS, I know what you mean when it comes to boredom. After my mother passed away, I have some what of a urge to rebel for some odd reason. One of the urges I had was to contact the Lesser, and toy with him. I have been contemplating on luring him back in, and then spiting him back out. If it was not for the article
“The Third Emotional Battle” & “The Lesser” I would have broken my
9 month no contact. Thanks to the wonderful, and amazing, HG that did not happen.

I am so sorry to hear that your mother passed away. Mine did too when I was pregnant with my daughter. She was only 66. I miss her every day. How long has it been since your mother passed?

Boredom. . . I don’t even know if HG can help me on this one. My job is a big yawn, (been there 10 years and I’m so tired of it) my love life is nonexistent, and my social life. . . this blog is the most exciting part of it if that gives you any clues. I am seriously thinking of texting him just for some kind of something different. It didn’t help me to delete his number 11 months ago, it is memorized in my head and I can’t get it out. What’s weird is, I keep seeing the numbers 721 everywhere I look lately. Those are the first 3 numbers of his phone number. Heaven help me. . .

It makes me sad, that so many of you think that it is your fate to limp and suffer from an encounter with a narcissist for all your life. Yes, I agree that we lose a lot of illusions, but there is no reason to believe that there is no full recovery. As long as we believe this, it will happen again and again. It is, as if you ask for bad relationships. I really know some women who found real love after this encounter, because they changed their attitudes and looked for better men. Of course- you do not find them here. They are happy, why should they be on a page like this?
Of course – they remember their personal nightmare – but they learnt to be better to themselves and to demand more for themselves.
Narcs do not like that. They stay away.
Don`t believe HG in this case. It is not your fate to suffer life-long and it is not his fate to stay a full-blown narcissist.
It is your decision to throw them out of your life and never let anyone else of that kind come in again. Do not invite them. Build boundaries!
You all deserve it.

Hey RS…..I believe it is fate that we met…….if I hadn’t met the narc, I would have never have found this blog and I would have never met you!!!!……..On saying that……I also believe you can change your fate if you are strong enough and are willing to do so………Diva

You are so right, Mona. I really don’t feel like I’m hurting that much anymore. It’s been almost a year and I’m pretty much over him. Sometimes I feel like I should stay away from reading about narcs as it takes up so much space in my head. I want to fill my head with good and lovely thoughts because “what you think about, comes about”.

Anyone who abuses you can leave a scar, but they can’t always do this merely by wounding your own (normal) narcissism with cheating in a relationship, (if the rest of your life wasn’t damaged you can realise this was them, nothing to do with you and so no longer take responsibility for their actions, even if you are left with emotional residue) – that is also a possibility, certainly as much as this person hurting you without recovery.

A lot of this narrative, is also HG’s self-narrative of having an ‘omnipotent’ self against a vanquished other (his gf is his social Other!) and people are worshipping his ‘cult of personality’.

Secondly, being wounded by having your moral beliefs destroyed or challenged, is a serious wounding, but it’s also not impossible to recover from that and we do have already a psychological process of learning, we can become, as they say, less naive and more ‘innocent’. A lot of social life is predatory, people suffer all the time under power-relationships, power far more than trust, is the common human dynamic.

I’d rather know this and incorporate it into my world view than have a comfortable, idyllic (privileged) version of reality and ignore suffering and stakes. My parents taught me about the dark side of life, but that wasn’t the ultimate source of pain. The source of pain was that i was never acknowledged for what i went through. Theories about trauma say that the trauma, whatever it is, rape, a car crash, losing someone you love, can be experiences that we adapt to – but it’s the social connections around us, that really traumatises us if it doesn’t help us heal, but punishes us instead. which is what scapegoating is all about.

It is never or rarely, the predator or the traumatic event alone. While a pathological narc may live in a solipsistic reality, we don’t, we can choose to be free, but it’s not the freedom of never being affected, it’s the freedom of not being enslaved by illusions.

but it’s the social connections around us, that really traumatises us if it doesn’t help us heal, but punishes us instead. which is what scapegoating is all about.

It isn’t the rape or bad break up that screws you up; it is the way you are treated when you try to reach out for help or an understanding listener.
It is The Second Rape, which is usually worst than the first.

HG: This final battle takes place in a land where the battlefield, for the first time, is more of your choosing than ours. You have better equipped to fight this battle and whilst there remains a risk of defeat and you being ensnared once again, it is far less than in the previous two battles. You are battle-hardened and those scars are worn as badges of honour as you stand tall for the first time in, well, you cannot recall when that last happened, but it has happened at last.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving us all this armor. You are a magnificent teacher. I do not believe he will be back though. I made it clear that I knew what he was and that he couldn’t hurt me or push my buttons any longer. I have not heard a peep in almost 11 months. Why would he come back when he can’t provoke me anymore? What would be the point?

Lovely RS, you are appreciated, HG.
I feel foolish because I read this wrong the first time. (I was at work and read it fast) I saw it as I was the one appreciated which is why I said “thank you so much, so are you!”. 🙃😜 YOU are very much appreciated though. Thank you for what you did for me, it meant a lot!💞

Hey RS……I need to tell you something……”Don’t look back…..you are not going that way.”……….I have this printed on a large wooden sign at the bottom of my stairs……I see it and read it every morning on my way down, without fail!!!!!!!…….Diva

Yes, I have seen that before, maybe I should get one and nail it to my ceiling so it is the first thing I see when I wake up. . . I certainly don’t see a handsome man’s face close to mine, coming in for a kiss. 😘😛

Well RS…..most nights my kids and I go outside to look for the stars. If we can see any, we all choose one each and make a wish. This is how my kids believe they themselves were “created”…….because I wished on a star for them….which is not completely untrue!!!!! Now, more often than not….their wishes and dreams do not come true……however once in a while some of them do, once I get wind of them. If the wish doesn’t come true……I tell them they have to keep trying…..it’s just because someone else has already wished on that star and they have to find a star that no one else has wished on before………I will make a wish on an Northern Irish star for you when I go out tonight…….but don’t blame me if an Irishman comes your way……personally I would sooner take another narc in!!!! Diva

This is how my kids believe they themselves were “created”…….because I wished on a star for them….which is not completely untrue!!!!!

How dear is that?! Me too!! I had two miscarriages before I got pregnant with Amy. My husband and I had just come back from my birthday dinner, and of course, I was dessert .😉I wanted a baby so much but I didn’t want to be pregnant in the middle of an Arizona summer, which, if I had gotten pregnant, I would have had her in July. I decided we had not had much luck the past few months so no protection was used. . . 9 months to the day later. . . Amy was born.(7/31/90) She was the BEST birthday present I ever got. She is the love of my life and the BEST thing I ever did. She is my BEST friend and the reason I was born. Talk about a wish come true 💞💞💞

If the wish doesn’t come true……I tell them they have to keep trying…..it’s just because someone else has already wished on that star and they have to find a star that no one else has wished on before……Well. . . this is just too cute for words and a great reason to give for a wish not coming true. Only a pure heart could come up with that!

I will make a wish on an Northern Irish star for you when I go out tonight…….but don’t blame me if an Irishman comes your way……personally I would sooner take another narc in!!!

I would not turn an Irishman away. . . I love that accent also! Thank you Diva! You are a true friend. 😘 It is said that the universe listens to the wishes of those with a pure heart. Probably why MY wishes don’t come true. 😜

Don’t know why, but (in spite of everything) I feel for them. I guess they are looking for love, for deep love, for true love, for neverending love – for absolomb (does this exist?). Maybe I’m just naive.

Then I am fighting more than one battle. However, I am less concerned with the previous warriors, as in my mind they are deceased and I do not believe in resurrection. My greatest fear and concern, speaking as a narc magnet, is being led into a different battle, with a new warrior…….Diva

Diva: n my mind they are deceased and I do not believe in resurrection. My greatest fear and concern, speaking as a narc magnet, is being led into a different battle, with a new warrior

I feel the same – he is deceased to me. I do worry about attracting another one as, I too, seem to be a narc magnet. I also believe HG has better equipped us all for future battles. We know what to look for now and for that, I am appreciative. I feel empowered now.

What happens if you (the victim) left before the ‘discard’? I tried leaving once before; that was when I was uneducated as to his true nature–this time I am fully aware & NEVER going back but I fear he may not have figured that out yet 😕

Thanks HG I have now read 4 of your books and several articles on this blog which have been very insightful and helped me keep my resolve to stay NO CONTACT! The emails are less frequent now the latest at 2 am simply said ” you were never supposed to leave” should I take that as a threat or sign that a Hoover is about to commence?

Singlet, I would have to agree with you. This is one of my favorite articles as well. This paticular article pulls at the heart strings. HG, you sure know how to say all the right things, at the right time. I needed this so much at this very moment. Im amazed at the way you can trigger so many emotions all by just reading one of your articles. You blow my mind.

It kills me to write this, but I will be navigating the emotional ocean a bit longer than I had anticipated. That last sentence makes me want to sign up for archery lessons. A new hobby may help with my anger management issues.

“…How long will this final battle last?….It will continue until one of us no longer lives.” Nooooo! I hope the hell not. I will be in a prison jumpsuit for sure because he will be in a coffin if these words are true.

Thanks for this HG, this has been my life this past year up to now; how you seem to know every emotion, every step, and every stage is truly amazing, but that’s what you N’s do, you have to know in order to keep us in your supply cabinets, on the shelves, etc.- at your disposal when necessary. This is yet another great piece of yours to journal about later.