Sheldon: You know, that doesn’t work for me, let’s stay with Mrs. Cooper.

Mary: Sheldon, don’t be silly.

Sheldon: Wu-wu, what? That’s what I called you till I got to know you better.

Mary: It was so nice of Leonard and Penny to invite me.

Sheldon: Well, actually, I…

Amy: It sure was.

Mary: I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Leonard. Taking care of my baby all these years.

Sheldon: Excuse me, I take care of him.

Mary: Sure you do. So who else is coming to this shindig?

Amy: Oh, well, the usual gang. Penny’s family is coming tomorrow.

Sheldon: Yeah, and Leonard’s mother’s already here.

Mary: Oh, Beverly. How nice.

Amy: You’ve met her, right?

Mary: Yes, I have.

Sheldon: Mother, she’s an atheist, not a vampire.

Mary: Either way, let’s stop and get some garlic.

Scene: The apartment.

Beverly: So, Mary, how have you been?

Mary: Well, thank you so much for asking. I’ve been well, and you?

Beverly: Very good.

Mary: Good.

Sheldon: I don’t know what we were worried about, they’re getting along great.

Mary: Sheldon tells me your husband’s coming.

Beverly: My ex-husband.

Mary: Oh, I’m so sorry.

Beverly: Don’t be.

Mary: All right.

Penny: Whew, chilly.

Amy: I think I can see my breath.

Beverly: We can hear you.

Penny: Sorry.

Amy: Sorry.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Howard: I can’t believe I was so naive. The military is just gonna take over the whole project. And you know what happens if we object? We disappear. Like off the map. Like every American Idol winner since season four.

Bernadette: Come on, Howard, you’re overreacting.

Howard: Am I? Am I? What, what do you want to bet some black ops guy is reprinting my high school yearbook and I’m no longer in it? That chess club picture is now just David Zimmerman and Elaine Cho.

Raj: Okay, look, I’m on the Air Force Web site, and the department that e-mailed you is in charge of acquisitions. So maybe they just want to give you a lot of money for your invention.

Howard: Oh, please, that’s not how it works. You saw E.T., Avatar, Jurassic World. The military just shows up and takes over.

Bernadette: You do realize those weren’t documentaries, right?

Howard: I’m sorry, you find this funny?

Raj: No, I was just thinking about Jurassic World. Boy, that was terrible.

Scene: The foyer.

Leonard: Oh, we have to use the stairs.

Alfred Hofstadter: When are they gonna fix your elevator?

Leonard: Uh, I don’t, any day now.

Alfred: Well, the stairs are fine. Besides, your mother is up there. Maybe I’ll have a heart attack and not have to see her.

Leonard: Hey, I, I know things are a little rough with you and Mom, but I’m really glad you’re here.

Alfred: Me, too. I should have never had that angioplasty because I feel fine.

Leonard: Penny’s really looking forward to seeing you.

Alfred: Ah, she’s a sweetie. You got a good one there, Leonard.

Leonard: Thanks, Dad.

Alfred: How the hell did you do that?

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Isn’t this nice?

Leonard: Hey, we’re here.

Penny: Alfred. Thank you for coming!

Alfred: Oh. Well, happy to be here. And congratulations.

Penny: Thank you.

Leonard: Dad, you remember Sheldon.

Sheldon: Dr. Hofstadter.

Alfred: Dr. Cooper.

Leonard: This is Sheldon’s mother, Mary.

Alfred: How do you do?

Mary: Nice to meet you.

Leonard: And his girlfriend, Amy.

Alfred: A pleasure.

Amy: Hi.

Leonard: And, of course, Mom.

Alfred: Hello, my hateful shrew.

Beverly: Hello to you, you wrinkled old bastard.

Sheldon: All right, now I’m starting to sense a little tension.

Leonard: All right, you two, don’t start. Penny and I are throwing this second wedding for your benefit. Can you please not ruin it?

Alfred: Of course. I’m sorry.

Beverly: Oh, look at that, you can apologize.

Leonard: Mom.

Beverly: I’m sorry.

Mary: You know, the Bible says forgiveness…

Sheldon: Mom.

Mary: I’m sorry.

Penny: Uh, who’s hungry? We have a reservation at the best restaurant in town.

Sheldon: It only got three-and-a-half stars on Yelp.

Amy: Sheldon.

Sheldon: I’m not sorry. That’s true.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen.

Howard: I don’t know what to do. It’s the Air Force. I mean, should I respond to their e-mail? Ignore it?

Raj: You can’t ignore it. It’s not that postcard that says it’s time to go back to the dentist.

Bernadette: Guys, come on. We’re meeting everyone for dinner.

Howard: One sec. I’m just afraid if I respond, then they’ll know I got it.

Raj: Oh, dude. The minute you opened that e-mail, they knew you got it. I mean, they’re probably looking at you through the camera right now. I love America.

Bernadette: Are you done with this nonsense?

Howard: It’s not nonsense. This is how the U.S. military works.

Raj: Oh, if it’s even the U.S. Military. It could be foreign military pretending to be American.

Howard: You’re right. We turn our guidance system over to them, next thing we know, they’re using it against us.

Raj: I also love the enemies of America.

Scene: Leonard’s car.

Beverly: Penny, I hope the example of my failed marriage to Leonard’s father doesn’t discourage you from the commitment you’ve made to one another.

Penny: No, of course not.

Beverly: Although Alfred and I had a lot more going for us than you two.