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Rob Ford vs. Justin Bieber: Who is Canada’s greater embarrassment?

Ford and Bieber had the drunken stupors. Canada was left with the hangover.

Justin Bieber was on world tour this year, but it was his offstage antics that incited a seemingly endless stream of controversy and unflattering headlines. (Jorge Saenz / AP)

The world's eyes were uncomfortably focused on Toronto city council this year as Mayor Rob Ford danced around damaging allegations and embarrassing gaffes. (David Cooper / Toronto Star) | Order this photo

And throughout 2013, with every mayoral meltdown and pop star peccadillo, Canada’s image as a bland hinterland was chucked into a wood chipper and splintered into a heap of scandals. A nation of courteous do-gooders was now home to a crack-smoking mayor and a spitting hooligan.

With the world watching, Bieber and Ford became a tag-team for a million front pages, giving the national brand a sustained noogie. The only way our reputation could have suffered more was if Paul Bernardo had escaped from prison and Tim Hortons was exposed as a front for terrorists during an outbreak of bird flu in the GTA.

It’s weird. Ford and Bieber have almost nothing in common. Yet in 2013, the bad behaviour was remarkably identical. They did so many similar things, it was as if an evil hypnotist had put them under the same crazy spell: “When I count backwards from 10, you will open your eyes and urinate in public.”

But let’s start with the drugs.

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In January, TMZ obtained images that showed Bieber with a joint at a party in Newport Beach, Calif. This heralded an endless haze of allegations: Bieber was fraternizing with dealers. He was high or sloshed. He was out of control. His friends were a bad influence. He needed rehab.

On Thursday, when a radio station in Washington asked Ford what he planned to get his wife for Christmas, he replied: “Probably just money. Women love money. You give ’em a couple thousand bucks and they’re happy.”

When not offending females, Ford and Bieber were busy offending entire countries.

In the wake of the crack scandal, Rio de Janeiro mothballed plans to explore an economic agreement with Toronto. From Japan to England, Mexico to India, Ford was a laughingstock, a punch line on both cable news and late-night TV.

Also in Brazil, Bieber was accused of visiting a brothel. This was around the same time he was accused of desecrating the Argentine flag and spray-painting graffiti on public buildings, a spree of vandalism that followed his tour bus everywhere.

Relationships were another source of friction.

Bieber fired a bodyguard. Ford fired his chief of staff. Bieber was accused of terrorizing neighbours. Ford was accused of terrorizing opponents. The pop star showed contempt for his army of Beliebers by showing up late for concerts. The mayor showed contempt for Ford Nation by leaving work early to coach high school football.

When not obsessed with their own crumbling images, they were threatening others.

Bieber became the world’s greatest exporter of shirtless selfies. Ford preferred to be immortalized via bobblehead technology. In London, Bieber was in a state of high agitation when he lunged at a photographer: “I’ll f---ing beat the f--- out of you!” In an unknown location, Ford was filmed making death threats: “I’m gonna kill that f---ing guy!”

Ford nearly trampled Councillor Pam McConnell at City Hall, an incident described by MSNBC as “bull-rushing an elder councilwoman who holds on to Ford like an action hero would hang on to the bottom part of a helicopter.” Meanwhile, Bieber was accused of punching a deejay in South Korea.

And so it went, month after month, scandal after scandal.

They drank. They cursed. They heaped shame upon a nation.

While under police surveillance, Ford urinated near a public school in Etobicoke. Bieber was caught on camera peeing into a bucket at a New York restaurant. Ford abandoned vodka bottles in the woods. Bieber abandoned a pet monkey in Germany. Bieber violated posted speed limits in his fleet of supercars. Ford violated the law of repetition by exclaiming “subways, subways, subways” like a deranged mantra.

There were slurs, profanities, odd photo-ops and regrettable public appearances.

“What the hell is going on?” he asked his audience. “Are they all on crack? Here’s the thing: I think this Mayor Ford experience has been very educational. For a while, I thought it was just him. But what I’ve realized is Canadians are much, much weirder than any of us had any idea they were.”

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