Friday, January 30, 2009

Go on, admit it: if you did not immediately order the ShamWow after seeing the infomercial ("Rated #1 Infomercial by CNBC!"), you thought about it.

In fact, you're probably thinking about ordering some ShamWows right about now. (Only $19.99, plus shipping and handling! Don't delay!)

But be warned late-night TV shoppers: While you may indeed say WOW! when you first use your neon orange chamois cloths, you'll be having sham woes after you wash them. Sure, technically, they are machine washable, but what comes out of the washer and dryer is just a woeful version of the original. Don't believe me? I give you, Exhibit A:

Makes me want to take a Ginsu knife to the thing and slice it to shreds.

UPDATED 2:00 P.M.: Just in time for Super Bowl Sunday, the Terrible ShamWow! Click on the link to see a picture. Pretty funny.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Thiswas going to be the Super Bowl Thong Report, until I discovered there is NO SUCH THING as an Arizona Cardinals thong. What kind of self-respecting National Football League team does not have an official NFL thong?! What's wrong with you people in Arizona?

I Googled and searched and Googled, and all I came up with was a lame-looking bikini and these really lame boxers. Feh.

And here I was all set to root for the Cardinals and Quarterback Kurt Warner. (I love you, man! The Giants should have kept you!) But now... Dunno.

On the other hand (or insert appropriate body part here), you have the Pittsburgh Steelers. Now that's a team that understands the importance of having an official NFL thong -- as well as a good offense and defense. Though the Cardinals' offense isn't too shabby either. Should be a good, or at least an okay, match-up. That is, if you care. And I'm not sure that I do, as both my beloved Giants and Jets will not be playing.

From what I've read and heard, the odds are in the Pittsburgh Steelers' favor. Sorry Arizona. Though, hey, you never know. If Big Ben, aka Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, gets hit or is otherwise injured and has to be removed from the game (i.e., is carted off the field again), that could do some serious damage to Pittsburgh's chances of winning. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Of course, I doubt that Super Bowl XLIII will even come close to the excitement that was Super Bowl XLII, otherwise known as THE BEST SUPER BOWL EVER (except to New England Patriots fans). Not even the commercials will be as good. (And last year's weren't even that good.) But the spouse and I will still probably watch (February 1 at 6 p.m. ET on NBC), because a) it's the last football game of the 2008-2009 season; b) we have nothing better to do; c) it's an excuse to drink beer; d) the spouse thinks Faith Hill is hot.

And speaking of Super Bowl ads and hot women, check out this Super Bowl ad from PETA, which NBC actually banned for being too sexy. Bet you guys will want to eat your veggies now. ; )

(I was going to close with "may the best team win," but the best teams didn't even make it to the finals this year. Pathetic. Oh, and next year, the NFL should wait until after the playoffs to award the MVP. Unless by "MVP" they mean Most Valuable Pitchman. In which case Peyton Manning deserved the award.)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I think you will agree with me that there is only one actor who has the over-the-top personality and the hair to play Rod Blagojevich. And that man is... No, not Rod Blagojevich, despite what he told "Access Hollywood." It's Tom Cruise. To quote from Risky Business, "This man could use a guy like Tom."

Think about it, who else could possibly combine the stoic heroism of Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Jefferson Smith with a soupçon of psychopathic charm? Only Tom Cruise.

And, in another bit of casting genius, I think the producers should get Tom Cruise's wife, actress Katie Holmes, to play Blago's wife, Patti Blagojevich. Heck, why not throw in Suri Cruise to play Blago's younger daughter, Anne? (Though Suri may be a bit young to play the part and not interested in pursuing the family business.)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

According to news reports, Pulitzer Prize-winning author and writer John Updike died today of lung cancer, in a hospice near his home in Beverly Farms, Massachusetts. One of our most prolific writers, having penned (or, more likely, typed) dozens of novels (including the Rabbit series and The Witches of Eastwick), short stories, essays, and poems, perhaps Mr. Updike simply ran out of wind.

In any case, his death is already being mourned in literary circles, rippling out into the mainstream media and beyond.

I personally could never get through any of Updike's novels, though I tried reading several over the years. There was just something about his style that I found... difficult. Though I don't think it had anything to do with his treatment of women. (He had periodically been accused of being anti-feminist by various critics.)

Still, it is a sad day when a great writer dies, though his work will live on.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Imagine my surprise the other day when I Googled "J-TWO-O," to see what other blogs or sites may have picked up on my latest musings, and discovered that not only am I a deliciously refreshing blog, but I am also a deliciously refreshing (and exotic) fruit drink!

Indeed, according to Britvic, the maker of J2O the deliciously refreshing fruit drink (as opposed to J-TWO-O the deliciously refreshing blog, which I manufacture):

Seven bottles of J20 are sold every second (I assume in the UK, which is the main market for J2O the beverage, though apparently it is also sold in Chicago); and

J20 is now the second biggest bottled drink sold in pubs after Budweiser (Budweiser?! Come on you Brits! Even Foster's has better drinkability than Bud.)

Sigh. If only seven people read this blog every second -- or this blog was the second biggest after the Huffington Post, the number one blog in terms of traffic or ranking on Technorati (which, btw, is a sham -- Technorati, not the Huffington Post, which I think is great. And Arianna, if you are reading this, email me! I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to write or blog for the Huffington Post!)

I have to admit, while I love a good exotic fruit drink (particularly one made with mango, while relaxing on a warm beach with a good book), I am a wee bit disappointed that I am not the only J-TWO-O out there. (Hmm... I wonder if Britvic would come after me if I started using that bottle as my icon...) Well, I guess it's not as bad as being one of 27 Jennifers, which, btw, is a great song, which you should listen to. Now.

And in the news and on the 'Net today: Coming to a city near you, the Rod "Cuckoo" Blagojevich Media Tour, including an interview with Amy Robach on Today (where he compares himself to Nelson Mandela, Ghandi, and Martin Luther King, Jr.) and a turn on The View (this morning, because Whoopi Goldberg seemed more sympathetic than those mean state senators in Illinois)! Hey kids, it's way more fun than attending your own impeachment trial.... And how about newly appointed New York Senator Kirsten "I [heart] David Paterson!" Gillibrand?! I cannot believe NO ONE commented on her planting a big wet kiss on the NY Gov last week after she accepted the appointment! And this just in: Did you hear that former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain is repaying the $1.2 million he spent to redecorate his office? Now you have! Lastly, if you have not seen this great video titled "High-Five Inauguration" do so now:

Sunday, January 25, 2009

That gal (or was it a guy?) who said you were "pudgy and awkward"? Well, maybe you are, a little, but I found it kinda cute -- and sexy. You were... what's the word... masterful. I'm so glad I came.

Oh, and dinner at the Double Crown? It was amazing. Absolutely delicious. So unusual. Beautiful room, and the service was great. Great choice, honey.

And Mike Birbiglia, if you are reading this, and there's a good chance you are as you said you always Google yourself and have a Google Alert, I loved the show. And boy am I glad my husband doesn't sleepwalk -- and that we both didn't have nightmares about flying jackals or bears last night. Thanks a lot. Oh, and we both hope that malignant tumor didn't come back and that you don't go through any more windows. (But really, folks, I promise you, Mike's show will have you laughing so hard you'll cry. Swear.)

People reading this blog post, especially if you are in the greater New York City area (or will be in the next few weeks) and appreciate funny, smart monologues, go see Mike Birbiglia in "Sleepwalk with Me" at the Bleecker Street Theatre -- and have dinner at the Double Crown at 316 Bowery beforehand (or after).

Oh and Mike Birbiglia, if you are reading this, and wondering who the heck I am, or, you know, want to leave a comment thanking me for coming to your show and recommending it to my friends/readers, like you asked, I was the cute little brunette with the blue-green eyes at the end of Row E, in the black jacket and black turtleneck. ; )

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Yesterday, when asked by the lovely Trish Regan what he thought of the proposed Pfizer - Wyeth merger, Pisani said, "to heck with the pharmaceuticals. What the market needs now is medicinal marijuana. That's what we need right now. We need a bong break. The whole country needs a bong break."

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Okay, okay. The executive orders President Barack Obama signed earlier today banned coercive interrogation methods, got rid of CIA "secret prisons" (though if they were a secret, how did Obama know about them?) and ordered the Guantánamo Bay detention camp in Cuba to be closed within a year. But the way his Apostles hovered around him, you'd have thought President Obama (doesn't that sound great, President Obama?) was promising to turn water into wine. And closing Guantánamo Bay may prove to be just as difficult.

Photo by Doug Mills of The New York Times

If you missed the live coverage, you can watch and listen to President Obama signing the three executive orders here:

Btw, that constant clicking or whirring noise in the background is the sound of hundreds of photos being snapped, including the one above.

"If the president is emailing his wife about what time he'll be home for dinner, or checking on when the girls' play is… those are not constitutional and statutory business of the president," said Sharon Fawcett, director of presidential libraries at the National Archives, last week. So they would be permissible. (No word yet on whether checking box scores would fall under the Presidential Records Act.)

IMPORTANT 6:33 PM BLACKBERRY UPDATE/CORRECTION: As noted by blog commenter "Crackberryite," and in this Wall Street Journal article, which JUST came out, "The new president has worked out a deal with unspecified security personnel to keep his BlackBerry for limited professional and personal use, chief spokesman Robert Gibbs said Thursday."

I think I shall call this "The Miracle of the BlackBerry." President Obama and RIM be praised!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

according to, I am sure, a very scientific survey conducted by AskMen.com. Why 99 instead of, oh, 100? I guess you would have to ask the man in charge of the poll, James Bassil, editor-in-chief of AskMen.com, who denied accusations that the list was based on looks alone.

“Obviously good looks are one quality, but intelligence, ambition and humor also count,” Bassil told Reuters.

Uh huh. Immediately when I hear the name Jessica Simpson (Number 70 on the list), I think "intelligence." And I am sure her "intelligences," both of them, are what drew Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo to her.

And lest you think the list only includes those lovely ladies who have yet to experience the effects of gravity and other horrors (though not plastic surgery from the looks of many of them), Mr. Bassil assures us, “There are women in their mid to late 30s on this list who may be old by industry standards, but you see more mature women on this list."

Mid to late 30s. Wow. That IS old. (Just shoot me now.) Though French First Lady and singer (and former model and Mick Jagger mistress) Carla Bruni, who is in her 40s, made the list (behind Simpson, at Number 76).

At No. 1, because I know you are all dying to know, actress Eva Mendes, followed by actress (and I use the term "actress" loosely) Megan Fox and Victoria's Secret model Marissa Miller.

And if you feel someone was unjustly left off the list, or have a quibble with anyone on the list, do let me know about it via a Comment. (Personally, I have no idea how Elisabeth Hasselbeck made it to No. 56, ahead of Aishwarya Rai (at No. 60), or even on the list, for that matter. Score another one for the blondes.)

And speaking of desirable or undesirable women, Caroline Kennedy is said to be withdrawing her bid to be junior Senator from the State of New York, due to her Uncle Edward Kennedy's poor health (cough). Official announcement to follow.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Et tu Presidential Inauguration Committee? After I wrote you that inspirational essay about what Barack Obama's election and this inauguration mean to me and my 10-year-old daughter, who has known the name and pertinent details of every President since she was six, and included yet another donation?

This is how you treat me, after I helped to get out the vote and made a hefty donation to Barack Obama this summer, and then another to the DNC (for that "official" t-shirt, which looks just like many of those unofficial, much cheaper Obama - Biden t-shirts), by sending me a mock invitation and a brochure to buy yet more Obamarabilia? (China we can believe in, only $82.00!)

I feel like... like... like I had invested that money with Bernie Madoff. (Okay, maybe not that bad, but slightly used or deceived nonetheless.)

I wasn't really expecting to get an all-expenses-paid trip to D.C. for the inauguration. But couldn't you guys have at least included a fake, computer-generated personal note, with my first name mail-merged onto the subject line, along with my fake invitation -- or at least an "official" picture of the President Elect with a computer-generated autograph?

For the record, I do not blame President Elect Barack Obama for these oversights. I know he has had a lot on his mind and has been very busy. And I wish him great success the next four (eight?) years as President of the United States.

No, I place full blame for this slight on his about-to-be former transition/presidential inauguration/soon-to-be White House communications team. And I only hope that someone on Obama's staff reads this post and benefits from the knowledge contained in it, and, as a result, will cease to falsely raise the hopes of those who supported the Obama - Biden ticket and the Democratic National Committee (especially if they hope to continue to raise funds from them/us -- hint).

In the mean time, how about that autographed picture?

Btw, here is Felix's take on all the inauguration hoopla:

Slightly O/T: Also, as today is supposed to be a day of service, I am doing TWO, that's TWO, large loads of laundry in honor of MLK. Though I guess I still have a ways to go in truly honoring Rev. King's work/dream as I am washing the whites and the coloreds separately.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The nerve of those geese, flying into the engine of US Airways Flight 1549! You'd think they were a bunch of terrorists!

And their numbers are growing.

In 1990 there were only 1,750 bird strikes reported. In 2007 there were 7,600. But for 2008, there will probably be 8,000 bird strikes reported. Can no one stop these flying marauders before they take down another defenseless airplane?

Well, actually...

Unbeknownst to me, and probably a lot of you, many airports around the world employ bird strike experts and goosers (which are not to be confused with this) and other (even lethal) means to scare birds away. At Boston's Logan Airport, and at other U.S. airports, they startle birds with propane cannons or other noisemakers. (Though really, wouldn't a real cannon, a la Admiral Boom's in Mary Poppins, be way more fun and effective?)

When that hasn't worked, some airports have been known to hire marksmen to shoot down birds, which is only slightly harder, though way more fun, than shooting fish in a barrel or skeet shooting. But apparently a bunch of conservationists cried "foul" (or was that "fowl"?) and most of the airports stopped the practice.

Other airports use dogs to chase away birds, though I didn't realize dogs could take to the air, which is, after all, where the threat is. (Though I have seen some pooches jump pretty high for Frisbees.) While still others use falcons. (Though isn't there then a risk of the falcon somehow getting sucked into an engine?)

But, I ask you, what about the geese? They were, technically, there first. And I am sure they don't purposely fly into jet engines (except for maybe those Japanese kamikaze geese). And think of Mother Goose! If not for yourself, then for the children. Surely the skies are big and friendly enough for us to share, yes?

And before you start sending me nasty comments about nasty geese and the Miracle on the Hudson, know that I, like you and everyone else, am relieved (make that ecstatic) that none of the passengers or crew aboard US Airways Flight 1549 were harmed or seriously injured after the pilot, Capt. Chesley B. Sullenberger III, heroically landed the plane in the Hudson River on Thursday after what could have been another fatal bird strike. I even teared up while reading this account of the incident in the New York Times this morning.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

In addition to being the spokesman for the Chrysler Cordoba (that's the small Chrysler?! and other Chrysler models), Ricardo Montalban was an omnipresent figure in the late 1970s and early 1980s. He played the mysterious Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island, a Saturday night staple, along with the Love Boat, on ABC for years. And he played Khan Noonien Singh on the original Star Trek and, more famously, in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

But I also have fond memories of Mr. Montalban, who, even though he was Mexican, always played someone of some other nationality, in many great old movies, including On an Island with You and Neptune's Daughter, both of which starred Esther Williams.

Sadly, now we must say adios to Senor Montalban. And so I leave you with this song, sung by his co-star of many years on Fantasy Island, Herve Villechaize, which, in this time of war and strife, I think is most appropriate.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

And I am not talking about whether he is married or not. Though while I am on the subject, what is it about married guys not wearing a wedding ring -- or removing their wedding ring when they are out of town? (That, btw, is a rhetorical question -- and save me the "I'm just not comfortable wearing a ring all the time" answer, fellas.)

But back to the subject at hand (so to speak). According to a new study conducted by researchers at the University of Cambridge, men whose ring fingers are longer than their index fingers tend to be more financially successful, oftentimes much more so, than their counterparts with longer index fingers. The same ring-to-index finger ratio also, according to a number of studies (yes, there has been more than one), is a good predictor of success in competitive sports -- and sexual prowess, or at least desire.

(Okay, how many of you looked at your hands after reading that sentence? I thought so. For the record, my ring fingers are noticeably longer than my index fingers while the spouse's are shorter.)

Interestingly, a similar study that looked at the ring-to-index finger ratio of male faculty members in university math, science, and engineering departments discovered a preponderance of longer index fingers.

No mention in either study as to how many of the subjects were married and wore wedding rings.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I just caught a few minutes of Hillary Clinton's Senate confirmation hearing, for Secretary of State, and I swear there was more sucking up going on than at a vacuum cleaner convention.

Chris Dodd (D-CT) and John Kerry (D-MA) were bad enough. But after seeing the way Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) spoke of and looked at Hillary, with unabashed praise and admiration, and the way she looked back and thanked him for his friendship and help, I felt like I was intruding on some private moment. Indeed, the first few minutes of the hearings were nothing short of a Democratic love fest (though there were plenty of Republicans -- okay, Richard Lugar -- singled out for praise, too).

Of course, in the time since I turned off the TV things could have changed in the Senate chamber, but I somehow doubt it.

Monday, January 12, 2009

For those who haven't heard, the Obamas have narrowed down their dog selection to a labradoodle or a Portuguese water dog. And per the President Elect's promise, they are going to look for the First Pooch-to-Be in a shelter. (Good luck with that.)

Personally, I am rooting for the Portuguese water dog. I think it is in many ways the perfect dog for Barack Obama, his family, and the Nation.

Like Obama, the Portuguese water dog is somewhat exotic and rare, independent, intelligent, and a hard worker and herder of Congresspeople -- I mean sheep. I mean... Oh never mind.

In any case, the dog sounds like a good choice to me.

On the other hand, the labradoodle.... Go on. Say "labradoodle." Labradoodle. Is this any dog for the President of the United States? Also labradoodles are not necessarily hypoallergenic.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Giants SUCKED. The Titans SUCKED. The Panthers SUCKED. The Colts SUCKED. I am DROWNING in my Super Bowl pool. Wasn't it enough, Lord, that the Mets flamed out (again) and lost the division to the Phillies? Have you no sense of justice? Feh. (And I am still upset about the Jets, who appear to be cursed.)

What is about these fine-feathered teams? Don't Panthers kill birds? And shouldn't a Giant be able to shoot down an Eagle, and a Titan a Raven? What's next? Will the Steelers be struck down by lightning (aka the Chargers)?

Oh sure, Philadelphia fans, gloat while you can. Bask in that Brotherly Love. Next week, you are going down.

I am now officially rooting for the Baltimore Ravens and the Arizona Cardinals.

Less than three months 'til opening day of Major League Baseball...UPDATED 6:26 P.M.: While I cannot entirely blame the Giants' defeat today on Plaxico Burress, I do blame a portion of it on Mr. Burr-ASS. After the Giants wide receiver shot himself in the leg, the Giants, perhaps in sympathy, repeatedly shot themselves in the foot.

Per the article, "The discovery is particularly intriguing because the tree shrew is believed to be very similar to the last common ancestor of all living primates. The researchers hypothesize that this ancestor may have consumed alcohol at moderate or high levels, which could explain why humans have some tolerance for alcohol." (Clearly, the researchers have never been to a Jets home game.)

And speaking of football.... As many of you know, this is a very important weekend for professional football, that is, if your team is in the playoffs, which mine -- the New York Giants (although they play in New Jersey) -- is. However, I am so nervous about this weekend's big game (Sunday at 1 p.m. ET on FOX) that I am hesitant to make predictions or even talk smack against the other team (from the misnamed "City of Brotherly Love." Brotherly Love my Giants-thong-wearing ass).

To date, my track record for making playoff predictions is worse than the 2007 - 2008 Mets' bullpen's ability to win a game. I was SURE it was going to be the Colts and the Giants in the Big Game, Manning a Manning. But Peyton and the Colts let me down. As did Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons... and Chad Pennington and the Miami Dolphins. Indeed, the only game we correctly predicted the winner of in our Super Bowl Pool was (shudder) the Vikings - Eagles matchup, and we LOATHE the Philadelphia Eagles, though not as much as we loathe the Dallas Cowboys (though I used to like Tony Romo, before he started dating Jessica Simpson).

My first round playoff picks picked off (so to speak), I still have the Steelers, Panthers, and Giants -- and believe the Tennessee Titans will clobber the Baltimore Ravens (though I currently don't have a bet on that game).

While I have no doubt that Dr. Gupta is qualified for the role, which is more of a communications post than a maker of public/health policy, I fear, should Dr. Gupta accept and be confirmed, that it would set a potentially dangerous precedent.

What's next, Judge Judy for Supreme Court Justice? (Though hey, Obama could do a whole lot worse. And she is a judge.) Lou Dobbs for the Department of Homeland Security or Immigration Czar? Fred Thompson for President? Oh wait...

On the plus side, should Dr. Gupta accept and be confirmed, this could mean more air time for Anderson Cooper on CNN, which, I think many of you would agree, would be a good thing.

UPDATED 12:05 P.M.: Some people (whom I will not name here but who have emailed me comments) forget that this blog is satirical/humorous in nature. For the record, I think Dr. Sanjay Gupta is an excellent -- possibly an inspired -- choice for Surgeon General. But Judge Judy is responsible for one of my all-time favorite sayings: "Beauty fades. Dumb lasts forever."

This is to inform you that your services to the United States of America are no longer required and that your employment with the United States Government, on behalf of We the People, will be terminated as of January 20, 2009.

This letter serves as two (2) weeks notice of your termination. Given that you are being terminated with cause (incompetence), this notice is being given as a courtesy to you. The statutory law does not require an employer ("We the People") to provide any notice when an employee is terminated for cause. However, despite your incompetence (two wars, "Mission Accomplished," Katrina, etc.), We the People will be providing you with a Federal Pension and Retirement Benefits per the Former Presidents Act.

Please remove your and your family’s belongings from the White House on or before January 20, 2009 – and take Dick Cheney and the rest of your sorry administration and go.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus, but they are equally likely to make New Year's Resolutions they are unable or unlikely to keep. Herewith, the Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Men, followed by the Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Women.

Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Men

1. I will drink less beer.2. I will watch less football [or basketball or baseball or NASCAR].3. I will want less sex and will cuddle more with my wife/girlfriend.4. I will watch less porn.5. I will watch what she wants to watch.6. I will go to the gym [more].7. I will lose weight and endeavor to burp, fart, and snore less.8. I will not tell my wife/girlfriend she looks fat in those jeans.9. I will not look at other women [even the really hot ones in those skimpy bikinis as they smear each other or themselves all over with sunblock].10. I will spend less time with the guys [or at work] and more time with my mate [and her family].

Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Women

1. I will stop obsessing about my weight.2. I will stop obsessing about my kid(s)/job.3. I will stop obsessing about how much more money everyone else makes.4. I will stop obsessing about my boobs/ass/abs.5. I will stop nagging my husband/boyfriend.6. I will have more sex (and like it and not complain about it).7. I will watch more sports.8. I will go see more action movies.9. I will stop complaining about [insert whatever here].10. I will stop making New Year's Resolutions [especially ones I know I won't keep].

About This Blog

I started this blog to amuse myself, my friends, and my family. If you are not amused, just click on some other blog. You got millions to choose from. If you are amused, spread the word -- and the link! To contact me, send an email to moodyqt33 [at symbol] hotmail.com.