4 “Romantic” Gifts I Would Rather Buy For Myself

Last Friday, the weather was so lovely that I decided to walk home from work. On my way, I stopped by a deli and bought a big bunch of beautiful peonies, my favorite flower. They’re only in season for six weeks and I basically hoard them during that time. So anyway, a few blocks from my apartment, a guy in his early-’20s sidled up next to me and asked, “Who bought you flowers?”

“I bought them for myself,” I replied. Oh lord, what’s this dude want?

“Awwww,” he said with pity in his voice. “That’s so sad. A guy should be buying you flowers. I would.”

This, friends, is classic negging. Buying yourself flowers is sad! Flowers are supposed to be bought for you! By a mannnn! I should be flattered that this guy, who just declared my flower-buying “sad,” would buy me flowers. Little old sad me. What-the-fuck-ever. I rolled my eyes, uttered an “mmkay,” and detoured down another street.

The truth is, while it’s of course nice to get a bouquet from a dude, flowers are actually on the short list of so-called “romantic gifts” that boyfriends sometimes give that I would actually rather buy for myself. Allow me to explain…

1. Flowers: This is of course a generalization, but when it comes to buying a basic bouquet, dudes don’t know what they’re doing. First of all, I have expressed my undying love for peonies to every guy I’ve seriously dated, have practically written down the in-season dates in their calendar, yet not a one has bought them for me. They’ve bought me roses or, blech, mixed bouquets with baby’s breath. I appreciate the sentiment, truly. I have displayed those bouquets and looked upon them with love. But the only person who’s going to buy my beloved peonies, from what I can tell, is me, myself and I. And I sure as shit am not going to sit around during peony season waiting for some dude to do it. But let’s pretend for a second that a magical unicorn man appears at my door with peonies! I can guarantee you that every single flower will be fully bloomed. What a waste! Those bitches are going to be dead in a matter of days! I ALWAYS buy closed buds so that I get the full blooming cycle to enjoy.

2. Clothing & Shoes: Again, generally speaking, women dress for themselves or, perhaps, other women, not for men. Many of the guys I have dated, when they’ve tried to buy me clothes, have failed miserably because they just don’t quite get what I find fashionable. They get the sizes wrong, the look doesn’t reflect my style, and I end up being annoyed that they want me to dress like someone I’m not. I dated one guy who seriously thought I should be dressing like a Kardashian — for work! Even if he could afford to outfit me in nothing but Herve Leger bandage dresses, I wouldn’t have wanted him to. It’s one thing for a guy to buy me something he knows I want, but I really don’t want my man to be my stylist.

3. Lingerie: Ultimately, I know the dude’s goal is to get me in something slutty, which is fine. The problem is that a lot of guys think they need to make up for their desire to see you in something slutty by spending a lot of money. “Look, it’s crotchless, but it cost $200, honey!” Let’s get real — lingerie falls into two categories: 1) undies and bras I wear every day and 2) undies and bras I wear on special occasions. You shouldn’t blow your wad on either. So, dudes, if you want me to wear trampy undies sometime, that’s cool, but save your dough for something I will actually appreciate and I’ll just hit up Frederick’s of Hollywood, okay?

4. Jewelry: The only man who has bought me jewelry was my ex-fiance. He bought me a pair of diamond studs, which I still wear, and then he bought me an engagement ring, which I obviously don’t wear. In those two things, he showed impeccable taste. Generally speaking, however, I am more of a fashion jewelry person. I like hoop earrings and statement necklaces and cuff bracelets and chunky rings. I am pretty sure that sentence is utter gibberish to most straight men, which is why I prefer they stick to what they’re good at — oral sex, hopefully — and leave the jewelry shopping to me. The one time my ex tried to buy me a not-fancy piece of jewelry, I ended up with a tacky beaded necklace thing that I pretended to like for six months before I “lost” it.

Leolah Brown, sister to Bobby Brown and aunt to Bobbi Kristina was kicked out of her niece’s funeral yesterday after verbally lashing at Pat Houston Bobbi Kristina’s former manager as well as sister-in-law to Bobbi Kristina’s mother Whitney Houston. Phew. That was a mouthful.