If you’re a high-profile celebrity who has recently had a series of personal problems that have threatened to derail your career, why is that — when you do decide to resurface professionally — you pick the shittiest, least challenging script that comes across your desk? I’m talking, of course, about both Lindsay Lohan — who has had more stints in rehab over the past four years than she has had box-office hits — and Owen Wilson, whose acting credibility even before his suicide attempt had been swirling down the crapper drain. Lohan has been cast alongside Jack Black, Mathew Lillard, Cary Elwes, David Arquette, and Orlando Jones in Ye Olde Times, a “comedy” about two competing Renaissance Fair troupes traveling through the competitive circuit. Personally, I know nothing about Renaissance Fairs except for what I just learned doing a quick Google search, namely that at larger Renaissance Fairs you can actually rent clothing, and (as Ren Faire) suggests, “changing in front of other people into unfamiliar clothing is always lots of fun!” Man, that’s what I’ve always said. Also, is Ren Faire that goofy shit that went on in the “Gilmore Girls?” I used to know a girl who attended Ren Faires; she was a bit off, as though her brain had been left under a heat lamp a bit too long. Whatever: The movie, written and directed by Robert White, is not only bound to suck, but it will probably only further damage Squirt Queen’s already faltering career.

Not that Owen Wilson is doing much better; on the heels of the box-office failures, The Darjeeling Limited and You, Me, and Dupree (a film that introduced to me what having one’s maidhenhead ripped apart must feel like), Wilson is jumping back into acting by taking the worst fucking role imaginable. He’s doing a goddamn dog movie, which is a brilliant fucking idea because, in the history of studio films, there is exactly zero decent ones (don’t even try to suggest Turner and Hooch) that didn’t involve the near death of Danny Pintauro. This one is different, though; Marley and Me is based on a true story! Yeah, the true story of a couple (Wilson and Jennifer Aniston), who decide to adopt a goddamn canine to prepare themselves for having a child (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha … ha ha ha ha ha ha), only it turns out their Labrador Retriever is the worst. dog. ev…, you get the idea. The dog is kicked out of obedience class; he destroys their furniture; and he wreaks untold havoc on their lives before ultimately becoming a beloved companion to the couple and their children. Awwwww.

I just don’t get it: Why, when coming off of career nosedive, do you take a big, mediocre studio comedy? If it fails, then it fails spectacularly and your career continues to plummet into the cesspool of suck. And if it succeeds, you’re just another cog in the dumb studio comedy machine. Why not take the Robert Downey, Jr. route? There are directors out there who still believe in Lohan and Wilson, so why not take a low profile, meaty role in an adventuresome indie flick, as Downey did in Wonder Boys and then The Singing Detective and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. If you fail, no one even notices (see Fur), but if you succeed, then you get to do Iron Man!

Last week, Dan handed out free embolisms when he reported that Leonardo DiCaprio was remaking Akira as a live-action film, and though it’s not as high profile an anime, word is that the Wachowski’s may be producing a live-action remake of the classic Ninja Scroll. The movie, called Ninja Assassins, will be directed by James McTiegue (V for Vendetta). Moreover, the Wachowskis raised some eyebrows last week when an enterprising anime geek noticed similarities in the casting sheet for Assassins and the actual characters in Scroll. Personally, I don’t give a damn; I’ve neither seen Ninja Scroll nor Akira, and I say that completely unapologetically. Some of us have legitimately given anime a try (I suffered through both Spirited Away and Princess Mononoke wondering when the hell I was going to start enjoying it), and though it may be difficult for some anime geeks to believe, some of us simply don’t get it for the same reason that some avid baseball fans can’t stand football. Different strokes float your boat, you dig? It’s OK, all you closet anime haters, come on out. This is a safe space. But beware of Twig, though; she bites.

Have I mentioned that they are making Final Destination 4 in 3D? I don’t think I can mention it enough.

Everyone’s favorite uber-feminist screenwriter, Aline Brosh McKenna (27 Dresses, Three to Tango, The Devil Wears Prada) has been hired once again to pen a script that involves procuring “Mr. Right,” because — as we’ve all come to learn — no woman can truly be fulfilled unless there is a Mr. Right in her life. Right? The unnamed script follows “a young and highly successful businesswoman who has devoted her life to working for her legendary businessman father. But when Mr. Right enters her life and proposes to her, her father’s disapproval of her new fiancé leads her to devise a clever ploy to change Dad’s mind.” Of course, “young and highly successful business woman” is just McKenna’s euphemistic way of saying, “a well-dressed sad, pathetic, and lonely soon-to-be-spinster.”

Someone should take that woman’s vagina away from her. She doesn’t deserve it.

This just in: Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass have signed onto a fourth Bourne film. For fear of jinxing the best action franchise heretofore, that’s all I’m gonna say about it. Except this: Suhwheet.

Moving on to the visual part of our program: For the many of our Neil Gaiman fans out there in Pajiba-land, here’s a teaser trailer for Coraline — it’s barely enough to get you hot and bothered, but it may tingle your nethers all the same:

Next up, here’s some fortune cookie wisdom: “Life doesn’t always turn out to be your fantasy. That’s why you need friendships that are real to get you through it all.”

Hurl.

And finally, the Eloquents WhiskeyNinjaBabyStar phenomena has taken on a life of its own — a few weeks ago, Replica (formerly Rebeccah) gave us this magnificent illustration of WhiskeyBabyNinjaStar. Now comes Jeremy, who has come up with an equally stupendous illustration:

Lot of goddamn illustration talent out there in Pajiba-Land; you can bet I’m going to exploit it soon.