Greetings, stardust consumers, and welcome to Lost in Showbiz's first ever Circle of Shame feature - wherein we highlight the bits celebrity mag editors would rather you DIDN'T see!

Every week, this collection of ringable body parts heave themselves into their offices, where they churn out unsourced stories, BMI porn, blatant untruths, and endless quotes from anonymous "close pals" of celebrities. But as media influentials, they're public figures too. How can I prove they are? Because a close pal just told me. So without further ado, let's get all the juicy goss on their work.

First up, we've got Lisa Burrow of Closer magazine, which this week sports cover lines such as "Insecure Cheryl - Starving to get attention" , "Stressed Jordan - Surviving on apples and ice cubes", and "GMTV's Penny Smith - I wasted my 20s worrying about being fat" (Whyever do women feel like Penny did?). But it's the editor's piece about Amy Winehouse that really impresses.

"We're all used to seeing horrific pictures of Britain's most talented junkie," begins Lisa, sweetly addressing the ennui, "but the one below is quite shocking." Great. Don't run anything that won't raise my pulse, yeah? Lisa can't understand why Madame Tussauds unveiled a waxwork of Amy "minus the dirt, cuts and bruises". "It helps neither Amy nor any impressionable fans to portray her as anything less than a physical wreck," she explains.

A close pal of Lisa's told Lost in Showbiz: "It's desperately sad - we don't know whether Lisa's so dangerously thick that she thinks this is 'help', or whether she goes home, looks in the mirror, and it actually cracks in disgust at the crap she spouts. If Amy Winehouse dies, Lisa will fart out some leaden prose about how no one could help her, even though she did her best by paying the photographers who hound Amy every minute of her miserable life. Lisa might even read this and think 'you don't understand addiction', not realising that 'publishing wildly intrusive pictures of seriously sick people' isn't a recognised treatment either. It's funny how she's always sticking in lines about celebrities 'taking responsibility' for their actions, when she's so utterly incapable of taking responsibility for her own. I've taken the difficult decision to speak out because I'm terrified she thinks she's something other than a drain on society."

Also starring in Circle of Shame this week is Reveal editor Michael Butcher, who leads his publication with a story entitled "Britney: my boys or my sanity" - an article which contains precisely no quotes from recent mental patient Britney Spears. A media-humping medical expert who should be struck off told Lost in Showbiz: "Michael is exhibiting all the signs of a compassion-ectomy. And after last year's lobotomy, pals fear he's becoming addicted to surgery. It might be because he's bald and self-loathing and pathetically grateful for attention - but there is a serious possibility that he thinks he's worth something. I'm speaking out because I want him to get help before it's too late."

And completing our line-up of oozy, cottage cheese-thighed, camel-toed mag hags is Heat's very own Julian Linley - who wins this week's douche-off for publishing long lens pictures of Britney Spears in her own home. They show Britney's son picking up a packet of her cigarettes and her taking it out of his hands. In case you didn't realise the import of this fleeting moment, Heat lets an anonymous internet poster gloss it.

"Even with supervised visits this bitch can't be trusted with her own kids," runs this message they have lifted from a paparazzi website. "Her baby is playing with a lighter in front of her [he's not] but she is too worried about looking perdy to notice what the fuck he's doing [she's not]".

Why did Heat publish what they describe as this "horrified message" from one of "Britney's critics"? A source close to the magazine confided to Lost in Showbiz: "Julian is in denial about what a poisonous little prick he is. It might even be a medical condition - but pals say he refuses to seek help. He tells himself that only intellectual snobs could take issue with this kind of editorial line. He'll say 'our readers want to know about Britney' or 'we're giving our readers what they're interested in'. Don't forget that last year Heat printed a sticker of Jordan's disabled son saying, 'Harvey wants to eat me.' Presumably that was originally justified on the basis that 'our readers' would be amused by it - so he's literally ceded editorial control of the magazine to people who laugh at disabled children. It's heartbreaking. Even sadder, someone at Heat's job is circling celebrity body parts and writing the word 'Ew!' across them. They're so ashamed of the way they earn a living that they lie to their parents that they work in animal porn."

Not my words, Julian: the words of one of your close pals. And that about wraps up Circle of Shame for this week, but we'll be returning to the feature as and when it feels right - probably when we've worked out how to photoshop a goitre onto Now editor Abigail Blackburn.