A recent report by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) discusses plans to handle a zombie apocalypse.

While a lot of Americans might see this as an indication of the U.S. government’s concern, smarter people assume that this is some clever ploy to remind the public that the CDC has got it all under control.

The CDC’s official statement:

If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak…. It’s likely that an investigation of this scenario would seek to accomplish several goals: determine the cause of the illness, the source of the infection/virus/toxin, learn how it is transmitted and how readily it is spread, how to break the cycle of transmission and thus prevent further cases, and how patients can best be treated. Not only would scientists be working to identify the cause and cure of the zombie outbreak, but CDC and other federal agencies would send medical teams and first responders to help those in affected areas.

Having perused the official report, I’ve gotta say that it’s filled with some major flaws. If you listen to what the Feds say, you might possibly die when Michael Jackson’s Thriller lands on your doorstep. Why? Read on.

FLAW #1: They’re doing it wrong

Although comforting that investigations will be done, I don’t think the CDC realizes the full gravity of the situation. There’s no explicit mention of using the military or any armed force to stop zombies dead in their tracks, pun totally intended. And those medical teams/first responders you keep sending outside? They’ll be swarmed and enjoyed before you can say “Alabama peppercorn.”

FLAW #2: The emergency pack they recommend is basically for show

The report also includes tips on assembling a good emergency pack. Most of the items are fairly standard. Water, non-perishable foods, medication, identification, and first-aid just to name a few.

But look, they’ve gotten it all wrong again

One, first-aid is useless if you’ve been bitten by a zombie. It’s impossible to survive an undead nibble everybody knows that. The best you can do is be the guy in the movies that pretends he hasn’t been infected. It might work for a while but eventually your lies are totally exposed and you end up looking like a complete loser.

Second, there’s no mention of weapons. I know you’d agree when I say that’s absolutely crazy. Not only is the United States a gun haven, it’s actually a very good idea to be armed when hungry jaws arrive. I see no pictures of an M4 Carbine, no AK47, no SIG 552. I mean I’m pretty good at defusing conflict with words but I’m 60% sure that won’t work on zombies. Seriously is this report a joke or what?

Clearly the Feds are pretty inexperienced at this sort of stuff. That’s probably why you never see them doing anything useful in the films.

FLAW #3: They tell you to wait outside in a pool full of zombie

Another thing. The CDC suggests that it is best to find a meeting spot outside your own home or a neighbor’s to meet if zombies claw at your door.

What the hell? Have you learned nothing?

Always stay indoors. ALWAYS stay indoors. Running outside is pretty much the same as fattening yourself up for slaughter, at which point I might say ha ha, you deserve it.

My suggestion? Read the official report and for every mistake you spot, add a shotgun to your kit. That should be enough to cover it.