Couples married for decades share longevity secrets

MARYLYNN G. HEWITT
Catholic News Service

9/04/13

DETROIT - Every year dioceses across the country honor
couples who have been married 25 or 50 years or more with
special Masses. And inevitably, reporters from diocesan
newspapers often ask these couples to share the secrets of
what makes a marriage work.

At the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate
Conception in Washington, more than 800 couples attended a
Mass commemorating 25 to 75 years of marriage.

One couple, Pat and Bob Deffinbaugh from southern Maryland,
told a reporter they didn't have any magic secrets to their
50-year commitment. Instead, they simply believed God had
been with them in good times and in bad.

The Deffinbaughs, similar to other couples, might not boast
of anything special they have done over the years but no
doubt they'd have words of wisdom for the newly and
not-so-newly married.

The Chicago Archdiocese is convinced this kind of practical
advice is worth sharing. For the past eight years, Kim
Hagerty, assistant director in the Family Ministries Office,
has sought information from couples married for five decades
that she has compiled into a booklet called: True Soul Mates:
Couples Married 50 Years Give Their Advice for Successful
Marriage.

Advice from the booklet includes:

- "Marry someone you think is perfect - not someone you will
change after you are married."

- "Take good care of each other."

- "Understand the commitment and when children come, have a
unified front in guiding them."

- "Be each other's best friend. Marriage is not always a
50/50 proposition. Sometimes you need to give 90 percent
because there are times when you only give 10 percent. That's
when your spouse, best friend, takes up the slack."

- "Learn how to enjoy each other's company. Do as many things
as you can together."

One spouse offered the understated secret: "I agree with my
wife."

Jack and Patti Salter, parishioners of the National Shrine of
the Little Flower in Royal Oak, Mich., credit the longevity
of their marriage to little things they do each day along
with communicating, being honest and sharing their faith.

Every night since they were married, almost 50 years ago,
Jack kisses his wife, Patti, and says: "Good night,
beautiful." She kisses him back in their end-of-another-day
ritual.

No matter what kind of day they have had, a good-night kiss
is always a good way to seal the day. That's just one piece
of advice they offer to engaged couples.

"Communication is another key," said Jack, 80. "We talk
things over. If we have a problem, we talk about it. She's
usually right, and that's the truth."

Sharing a value system and their Catholic faith has helped
through raising four children, all adopted through Catholic
Social Services, and welcoming nine grandchildren.

"And don't ever lie," Jack added. "If Patti asks if I like a
dress, and I don't, I don't say that I do. But I try to be
nice and say, 'You might not want to wear that again.'"

Patti, who is 78, said "respect for each other and integrity"
is necessary. Prayer is also important. She tries to make it
to daily morning Mass before going to her part-time job, has
her favorite daily prayers and knows whenever her husband
wakes up in the middle of the night, he prays a decade of the
rosary. "Throughout the night it ends up being a whole
rosary," he said and laughs.

The couple, who were married in 1962, said it's important to
establish traditions even if they wouldn't mean anything to
anyone else.

For example, Jack brought Patti a poinsettia on their first
date, just before Christmas 1961.

Every year since, as Christmas nears, when he presents her
with a poinsettia, they're reminded of when their love was
new.