On being a powerful, amazing and loving person

Could you imagine going to a concert where the musician just played one note? How much would you pay for THAT concert? Imagine a painting that was just one gray blob of paint? How much would you pay for THAT picture? Relationships, just like music and art are places to bring out your creativity. You can add color, vibrancy and joy to your relationship. When most people are courting, they are full of creativity- dates are planned, romance happens and sex is hot. So why do most relationships end up lifeless and devoid of passion?

Two reasons why this happens:

1) We have not experienced or observed a whole lot of creative relationships in our ancestors (i.e.-parents, grandparents

2) As relationships go on, there always is pain and disillusionment.

So what do you do about this?

Regarding reason # 1- you need to be a maverick, a pioneer. You need to think thoughts, do things and say words that you have not seen before. You need to remember your power; power to raise the energy of your partner, your relationship and you. You need to practice thinking the best thoughts about your partner and you. You need to do things that uplift your partner’s energy. (Ask yourself- what does my partner need from me that if I did that thing, she would feel GREAT?) You need to say words that are kind, encouraging and uplifting.

Life is not about being neutral; it is about bringing something to life and when you do that, life usually brings something back to you. The areas of life where you thrive are when you show up and stand out. In relationships, it is no different. Your relationship is your personal art project. What can you do to make it a masterpiece? This is not how we usually think regarding our relationships. In order to make a masterpiece, you need to bring your attention to the project. You can make that happen; don’t even wait for your partner to make the relationship a masterpiece. So here is the recipe for making your relationship a masterpiece:

Mix significant amounts of kindness with significant amounts of appreciation towards your partner every day. Then add consistent attention and practice the skill of seeing the best in your partner. Take care of yourself and make sure that you have significant amounts of energy left for your partner. Find ways to surprise your partner, plan dates and be romantic. Touch frequently and make your sex life a priority. Don’t hesitate to reach out for a therapist or coach if you are stuck. And keep your eye on the prize- a phenomenal, loving, satisfying, passionate relationship. That will get you through your inertia and laziness.

Regarding reason # 2 – you feel pain. Maybe you’re disappointed, hurt and/or angry. Maybe you feel betrayed in some way. Maybe your partner feels these things toward you. Every relationship has emotional pain; it is inevitable. Here, too, you need to be interpersonally creative. Most people are tension reductive when it comes to their pain; they feel pain and they either fight (i.e. – raise their voice, bicker, get intense) or flight (emotionally or physically withdraw, do drugs or alcohol, have an affair).

Don’t let your pain push you around or end your relationship. Before you quit, try getting creative with your pain. This requires building your emotional muscle so that you can communicate successfully with your partner. This requires creative management of your emotions in such a way that you increase and not decrease your emotional connection with your partner. If you become creative in communication and sharing your pain with each other, the pain can actually be a launching pad to new heights of closeness and connection with your partner.

Pain never ends relationships; disconnectedness ends relationships. As you develop a creative, receptive and successful way of communicating your feelings, these painful feelings dissolve into more positive experiences such as warmth and compassion. I have seen many a couple shift from the darkest places to “LIVING IN THE LIGHT” of joy and love by developing the emotional muscle to be creative in the midst of experiencing intense emotional pain. It can be done. This transformative process is the key to not only surviving dark times but thriving in your committed relationship.

Interpersonal creativity is the intent and follow-through to lift your relationship to new heights of joy and love. You cannot wait for it to be easy; you cannot wait to be in the mood. Decide to develop your interpersonal creativity. Get some help if you need to. As I wrote before, the prize is waiting- a relationship that keeps giving back. One of my greatest joys is witnessing couples experience that shift from a negative or neutral relationship to a creative, nourishing one. You deserve this; even if you have not seen too many creative relationships before.