there's no going back. this is the new normal.

It's been a really bizarre few months here, not just because of the freakishly early spring we're experiencing in Vancouver, while the rest of the country is under a snowbank. They've kind of passed in a blur. The family emergency in December and January was really stressful and made me brutally sick, but I'm finally starting to get back to closer to whatever passes for stable these days. It also led to me reconnecting with some family members I hadn't been in touch with in a long time, including one of my parents. Some positive things have come out of it all, but it's been kind of up and down and overwhelming. It's a lot to get used to right now, and I don't really want to get ahead of myself because it's too easy to assume things will keep going in one direction or another, when it's all totally unpredictable. My feelings about so much of it are totally all over the place and far from clear...and I don't even really care to work them out at the moment.

I haven't had a lot of time or energy to give to the whole thing, as I've had to yet again completely shelve everything aside from the bare necessities so I could focus on trying to get back on my feet again. I'm behind on so many things - but they have to wait. Emails being put off, my supposedly monthly newsletter that I've had a ton of signups for but haven't sent out since before the holidays, sewing projects that have been sitting in a pile untouched, the web project/business Bruno and I have been talking about and wanting to develop, even less-essential health appointments... I'm pacing myself heavily, and they all have to wait - maybe for a long time to come.

Hi nice people! I had a really crazy December and January, dealing with a family emergency and then working on recovering from the terrible health flare that it set off...one of the worst bits of which is my hand/finger joint pain went through the roof, making typing something I've been having to moderate even more than usual. But just the last few days I've been starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, something I always find uplifting after a long slog through flare-ville.

Lots more to catch up on, but for now I just wanted to share some neat stuff I've come across recently in the textile and sewing world...

The last post might have made it sound like it, but fortunately 2014 was not all about health problems. On my better days, I slowly but surely worked on my creative projects, and looking back I actually made a lot of things! Making these things made me really happy, and let me get back in touch with myself and my creative passions. In 2013, I learned to sew clothes, and in 2014, I continued to hone my garment sewing skills, but I also learned pattern drafting (how to design my own custom fit patterns), drew a lot, published a second issue of my zine, created eight Heartgirls, and took about a zillion photos!

I guess the end of the year is as good a time as any for this big, nay enormous, long overdue health (and life) update - how appropriate that this is (in Drupal-speak) "node 1000", aka. the 1000th post on this site! December just had some surprises in store for us, and I got a bit sidetracked and wanted to get this one done first.

You may not have noticed but over the past couple years, even though I've continued to write posts about health and chronic illness, most of them haven't been particularly specific to what's actually been going on with me. I've written a few posts about my throat issues and adrenal fatigue, but otherwise I've been sticking to more general conversations about the ins and outs of living with chronic illness. I wish I could tell you that this was simply because of my commitment to speaking out about chronic illness, but that would be leaving out a significant portion of the truth. The truth is harder to talk about and more complex.

My desire to keep personal details hush hush has unfortunately really cramped my ability to write about many topics that I have a deep desire to write about. Specific health issues, work plans, personal/family relationship stuff... I've been thinking long and hard about this, and have waffled back and forth several times about it, and have finally decided that it's time I just have out with it all so I can get back to really talking about all the things I want to here.

This post is part 3 in a 3-part series on my quest for a calmer mind. Part 1 on social media is here, and part 2 on healing and boundaries is here.

Before I dive into the next part of my quest for a calmer mind series, two other things to report from November. First, an update on how the month-long social media fast went! In short, it was glorious. It was far, far easier than the first time I did this back in the spring, but it also felt a lot more positive all around. The impact of the fast was more significant, I had hardly any withdrawal pangs (especially compared to the fast I did in the spring), and I found I adapted easily to not having it in my life.

Bruno decided to join me, and it led to a pretty interesting month for both of us - we both did a bit more reading than usual, worked on our personal projects more, and spent more "quality time" together, just hanging out, cooking, and yes...I'll admit we may have watched a little extra Netflix. I certainly lost my compulsion to pick up and check my phone all the time, and it didn't actually lead to much sense of increased social isolation. Between the increased connection with Bruno, and actually spending more time either writing (mostly via email or text message) back and forth with friends, and occasionally socializing in person, I actually felt very connected. Though the number of people I interacted with may have dropped, the actual quality of the interactions was stronger.

Finally, a quick note on one of the things Bruno and I did during the last month. He built me a virtual bookshelf here on my site, and I filled it with my favourite books on life, health, and creativity! I'll be adding more as I come across books that I fall in love with and want to recommend, but if you're looking for something to read, go have a look!

Ah, late November. The first thing that comes to many peoples' minds is this: Christmas shopping. Over the years, I've become extremely disillusioned with consumerism, materialism, capitalism, and the economy. And some of you might remember my old blog, SpendLocally.ca that was borne of my love of supporting local small businesses. It's hard not to become disillusioned with this side of the holiday season if you care about the environment, manufacturing ethics, your community, and let's not forget your own financial stability. But there are ways to make positive choices and impacts, even at this most consumerist time of the year!

Down with "stuff"

My approach to gift-giving has very much aligned with my approach to shopping in general. It comes down to some basic tenets:

This post is Part 2 in a 3-part series on my quest for a calmer mind. Part 1 on social media is here, and part 3 on meditation and mindfulness is here.

Before I get to the topic of today, I'm happy to report the first half of my Facebook and Twitter fast has gone well! I've certainly had a few little pangs of withdrawal, but overall, it's been having the desired effect: fewer racing thoughts, less compulsive social media checking, less time lost to the scrolly-scroll.

What have I been doing with my extra time? I've been spending it on writing, reading, catching up on backing up photos from the summer, drawing, mending clothes and sewing, and of course, there may have been some Netflix watching too. (I broke down and started watching Gilmore Girls last week - uh oh!) And of course, hanging out with my sweetie!

I've also been feeling generally awful since mid-summer, and have been having a very hard time healthwise lately, so all that stuff that sounds like "doing" is really very much in the slow lane and making up a small part of my days. I've been mostly resting and trying to listen to what my body needs right now, as well as continuing to work through medical appointments and research, and following up on referrals and tests I need to schedule, etc. Life in the sick lane.

This post is Part 1 in a 3-part series on my quest for a calmer mind. Part 2 on healing and boundaries is here, and part 3 on meditation and mindfulness is here.

I've lived with anxiety problems since I was a teenager. It took me years to figure out that's what was going on finally seek help for it, and even longer to fully understand why it was happening. It's only in the last two years, particularly the past year, that I've finally gotten a real handle on it and learned what it feels like not to be spinning around inside my head at a dizzying speed, day in and day out. This means approximately half of my life was spent in a haze of uncontrollable thoughts and anxiety. In my quest for a calmer mind, I've discovered several changes that have helped, and one of them is modifying how I use social media.

This spring, I took a month off from Facebook. Now for those who might not know, I use Facebook a LOT. I've got family and friends I want to keep in touch with spread around the world, and because of my health problems I rarely even see local friends in person. I'm a recluse, and these days Facebook is my main connection to the world. I also use a multitude of other social media, read blogs and news online, write online, etc. but Facebook is the BIG one. I can spend a lot of time on there, and it's not all well-used time. Much of it is what a friend of mine recently termed "scrolly-scroll", ie. where you find yourself zoned out and endlessly scrolling down the page.

In the spring, I did a Facebook fast. But as much as my Twitter usage has declined since back when I was working in tech, it easily substitutes my usual scrolly-scroll of choice. Nothing else sucks me in like those two platforms. YES, they are an effective way to connect and engage. YES, they are a convenient way to keep up to date on things. There are tons of positive things about them! But they change the way we live our lives, and not always in a good way. I know they change me. And over the last year or so, I've developed the distinct sense that they change how my brain functions when I use them too much.

The thing that struck me most about the segment was how you seemed to think this issue was funny, or not so much funny, but a bit of a joke. Several of the people interviewed on the issue brushed it off, saying "just hold it" or "be more prepared" or some variation of that response. That indifference was the main sentiment of the bit was baffling, and something I could only chalk up to either complete ignorance, or less offensively, lazy reporting.

Fact of the matter is that the lack of public washrooms in Vancouver, and specifically in the transit hubs and skytrain stations, is an enormous barriers to a large variety of people. The elderly, people with bowel and bladder problems, and of course children, all have varying abilities to "just hold it". It's not a joke, it's not funny - it has a severe impact on peoples' lives.

Have you seen the documentary "The Punk Singer" yet?? It's on Netflix right now, and I loved it. A lot.

Some of you, particularly music lovers, will know who Kathleen Hanna is - she was lead singer of Bikini Kill and Le Tigre, and currently fronts (The) Julie Ruin. She was also one of the founders of the Riot Grrrl movement, which teenaged me growing up in Saskatchewan miraculously had some tiny window into, thanks to lots of MuchMusic, Sassy, and zines.

I was familiar enough with a lot of the bands and history covered in this documentary, but I also learned so much more about everything and how it all ties together. I was enthralled watching through the first two thirds of the movie that detailed the movement and music history, and Kathleen's role in it.

But then the film takes a major turn - one I had no idea was coming, when it reveals that Kathleen Hanna has been struggling for several years with severe chronic illness, eventually to be diagnosed with chronic Lyme disease. She speaks so candidly about how the illness has changed her life - it was actually hard for me to watch parts of it, because I related all too much... I found myself tearing up as she said many things that I've been feeling, and that despite my best efforts, I've continued to habitually minimize and hide behind a brave face.