In Silent Reverence

What I felt for Mifuyu was was purely familial. I adored
her with the whole of my childish heart, somehow believing that
she could turn dreams into reality and being with her would make
me ridiculously happy. And it did. I believed in her, because she
did all a big sister could do for a little brother, and she never
compromised her love for me. She was always this beautiful
welcoming face, and arms warm with love embracing me, picking me
up to spin around. I nearly burst with pride and triumphant
exultation whenever I was with her. She always knew what I
wanted, and then would do everything in her power to get it for
me. And if she couldnt, she would give me something else in
compensation. How could I tell her, with such immature, crudely
limited language that as long as she was with me, I didnt
want and had no need for other things?

And then she was taken away. That night, always harsh and
weighty in its re-enaction, is engraved in my mind like huge bold
letters imprinted on a large rock. They come back to me in the
evening, before I sleep. They come back to me in the morning,
when I wake up. They come back to me in the day, when I scribble
my answers down on my test paper.But even imprints on rock are
not forever. They eventually fill up with dirt or fragments of
other rock, or they simply melt away with weathering. And that
was what I felt when I met Yanagi.

Familiarity so unfamiliar it swept through my being like hot
water, freeing where was once frozen. I feltwarmed again,
like when Mifuyu was alive. Her presence lit the place. And she
was kind, warm and beautiful. She was too much like Mifuyu to be
true. Angel she was an angel. I cursed myselfand her.
Heaven was cruel, to put me in such a position. To see my sister
and yet not be able to call her Mifuyu, to embrace her or to
laugh with her. To watch her smile, and comfort, and laugh. It
was too much. I wanted to say, How dare you pretend to be
my sister! How dare you look like her and act like her? But
I couldnt. I had to be near her, I had to have her. I
wanted her to say, Mikagami, are you alright? or
Mikagami, Im so happy to be here with you! I
ached for her presence, I ached for her. She was too much Mifuyu
to stay away from.I hated to use underhand ways.

When I saw how much Hannabishi loved her, how much they
interacted together and how much they laughed together and...most
of all, how much she loved him, something inside me wanted to
scream. I took advantage of his love for her, something so low I
cringe when I look back at it, even when I knew he loved her just
as much, or even more than I did. Stay away from her! You
bring danger to her when you are around her! Do you love her?
Then stay away if you want to protect her. It was a slow
and painful realization that I was doing something wrong, and
even worse, that I was doing something Mifuyu would disapprove
of, but I couldnt help myself. When I look in her eyes, I
see something so fragile, so crystalline I want with my entire
soul to protect that single sweetly rare essence of her.
Innocence.

But when Hannabishi defeated me in the mirror house, I knew
with an unbearable hurt in my chest that he was a bigger man that
I was. That defeat left me in shock for days after. Not because
of the injuries inflicted, but because of what I had seen.Seeing
the fear in her eyes being overcome swiftly with conviction, and
her mouth set in a grim determined line, seeing how much she
wanted to help him. She slashed herself without a seconds
hesitation and the image of her kneeling beside him, pouring her
life energy into his veins without a thought for herself, forced
a deep hot shaft of self-hate and resentment into my being.

And so I left them alone. If I couldnt be around her
without Hannabishi hovering over, I wouldnt be near her at
all. Its all for the best, I told myself. I lost Mifuyu
once and got over it, I can lose her again. But I didnt get
over it! I never got over her death! How can it be for the best
when every time I see her my heart constricts? How can it be for
the best when the image of Mifuyu in my minds eye is
gradually fading away, being replaced by Yanagis laughing
face? It was exactly the opposite. I lost her once, I could not
afford to let go again. I wanted so much to be able to protect
Mifuyu and now shes gone, and I only have you. How can
I afford to let you go, I ask you? All that I felt for Mifuyu and
more welled up in me, all the suppressed feelings I kept buried
deep within me forced me to help Hannabishi and his friends when
they were in trouble with Kurei. Or should I say it was my
conscience?

After that, I was dragged into the Urabatousatoujin, and more
than once, found myself glancing longingly at Yanagi only to be
interrupted by a loud obnoxious presence. I fought for her, need
I say more? I knew Hannabishi would protect herhe proved
that more than once to me, when I challenged him to keep his vow
of always protecting her at the cost of his life. He may be a
loud obnoxious presence, but he was reliable and trustworthy. But
even though he had sworn, and even though I trusted him, I knew
his skills were less than enough to protect her during the
gathering of the most powerful warriors in the country.He had
great faith and pride in his skills, but others did not. I, for
one, knew and had seen men powerful enough to slice his body in
half one second into the fight. His dragons were strong and
worthy of admiration, but Yanagi was a treasure that I refused to
allow be lost through the reckless showing off of her
ninja.

But as I witnessed more and more fights, and as he came into
mastery of more and more dragons, I found myself thinking twice
about what he was capable of. Mostly, I observed, his power was
driven by the desire to protect his hime and by the
desire to become stronger. He was a worthy opponent and team
mate, even I had to admit that. Even as I joined the others
throughout the battles, I knew I was not one of them. I knew that
they already counted me as one of them, as a friend and a
reliable team mate, but I could feel this almost imperceptible
hesitation when one of them asks me a question, or tells me
something. Almost imperceptible, but not quite.And, I made sure I
knew I was fighting for Yanagi, not to gain the trust or
friendship of any of those imbeciles.

So I strove on, groping blindly in this strange world where
people called themselves your friends, and patted you on the back
when you lost, or shouted in glee and celebrated wildly when you
were a victor. As I watched Yanagi heal, I thought how
appropriate it was that this kind girl who only wanted to give be
given this gift. I observed her more than the others gave me
credit for. I watched how her eyes softened when she encountered
an injured person, or a small animal. I watched how she struggled
in every way to prove that she could be something, not just a
healer among the fighters. And I watched how she cried in pain
and fear when Hannabishis loss seemed imminent. A stab in
the heart for me? No, more than that. The yearning in my heart
scorched me so. I needed to know how she felt. So what if I
already knew? I wanted to hear it from her, so I could stop
wishing so hard, so I could stop wondering and pondering
impossible possibilities.

I managed to catch her alone one evening, wishing to take a
short walk in the park for reasons she did not specify. It was a
very quiet evening, the kind in which everyone turns in earlier
because of lack of things to do. That fellow Recca
isnt around  Yes. Dont
know where hes gone. Pause. Are you worried
about him? Of course! Reccas always so careless
and playful, he might get lost.I wanted to scream at her
then. Why do you care so much about him? Why dont you
look at the people around you? See who really needs you!

I curbed the strong upsurge of emotion quickly, knowing it was
hopeless and even disastrous to express what I really felt in
ways she was unfamiliar with. But I refused to give up. I needed
more of an answer to convince me of that Yanagi. Do
you like Recca? She seemed surprised, even a little
embarrassed that I had asked, for reasons I could not fathom.
After all, wasnt it a known and accepted fact that she and
Hannabishi were together? If it was such, you wouldnt be
asking her this, something which didnt know feeling, only
cutting sarcasm, known as logic rationalized.Asking me all
of a sudden this I um I like him,
yeah but to be frank I dont really
know I dont talk to boys very often, so I
dont really know about this kind of thing before, when
I hadnt met Recca-kun, I never experienced such happiness.
When I see him with other girls, my heart hurts and if
hes not with me, I feel so insecure whats going
on with me?

Why did I feel like she had slapped me even though I had been
expecting this? Somehow, I felt like I had violated her private
thoughts. I didnt like that. I felt like I had used her to
get my answers, even though I knew them already. She was so pure
and delicate, listening to her feelings just made me feel like I
had no right. Im sorry, shouldnt have asked you
that. One of these days, youll discover your true feelings.
Until then, just stay the way you are.

My voice sounded so far away, so surreally wobbly, it was hard
to believe I was actually speaking. Yes, just stay the way you
are, Yanagi. Youre perfect the way you are. Then she
accidentally cut her hand, and I sucked the blood and spit it
out. You might get tetanus, I said. The truth was, I
had just wanted to touch her, show her, somehow, there was
another waiting for her, wanting to protect her.

The next thing I knew, I was dealt a hard blow on my side.
Recca Hannabishi. It was inevitable that that disturbance arrive
everytime I tried to get near her. His loud whiny voice
reverberated throughout the park as he shouted. Somehow that made
me feel sick to my guts that such an uncouth loudmouth could be
the recipient of Yanagis love. That he could ever hope to
experience such an eloquent unexplainable emotion such as love.
And then he said something that made me clench my fist.

Ive finally seen your true side. What happened to
your sister was important, but this is unforgivable. You take
hime as your sister, and even cut off her hair!

Youre too much how much do you understand
about me anyway? You make me laugh! What do you know!

He had already turned to Yanagi, not giving his words a second
thought, and did not expect my punch which landed hard on his
jaw. Do not be so protective of Yanagi. Im not Kurei,
and I wont take your hime from you.

Although my words said something different, my voice was hard,
my words grudgingly torn through gritted teeth. I hated him at
that moment, more than I ever had since I first found out he had
Yanagis affections.Who was he to make stupid assumptions
about my sister? What did he know? He was simply a street
brawler, a pathetic excuse for a ninja. I was going to make him
pay for those words so unthinkingly shot out from his filthy
mouth.He hit me, and I hit back with all my might and skill.

Go to hell! he screamed as my fist collided with
his stomach. He retaliated with a flying blow to my chest.

You go to hell, I grunted. I was so furious I
couldnt care less what Yanagi was thinking of me. We
exchanged blows until Yanagi called Domon who separated us. I was
nearly beaten senseless by that time, and Hannabishi was in no
better shape.Yanagi healed her darling Recca-kun before she did
me.

I suppose one of the reasons why I took to the Ensui so well
was because I liked water. Unlike rock or metal, it was bendable
and flexible, easy to work. I liked it for its flowing
accomodation. The way it melded so easily to every surface it
came in contact with, the way it simply flowed past any
obstruction it encountered smoothly. It didnt use force
because it knew that wasnt necessary to overcome the odds.
Intelligence, planning and adaptability was what counted.It
washed things away and, when I used it, each swipe seemed to
slowly wash a little of what tainted me away. It made me forget.
All I knew was the next attack, the next step, the next blow. I
moved as one with the Ensui.I never let anyone except Meguri
Kyouza watch me practise with my Ensui. It just
seemed distracting somehow. My Ensui was a part of me and I
wasnt comfortable with showing myself to others.So, the
next evening, on the day that we defeated Uruha Oto, I was
surprised and irritated to feel a hidden presence while I was in
the middle of practice. I stopped immediately, silently cursing
to myself and muttering dark threats to the unknown intruder.

Whos there? I called out, annoyed. I heard
the sheepish shuffle of feet behind me, and turned, to see Yanagi
standing behind me carrying a tray of food.

Im sorry, Mikagami sempai. I just wanted to bring
you food in case you were hungry, she apologized softly.

My gaze softened immediately, then I quickly glanced away.
Something was different about her since that night. She seemed
more quiet, more hesitant to speak to either me or Hannabishi.
And, of course, there was the big sign that hung above her
reading in bright neon lights, Recca Hannabishis
Property.

Im not. Just put the food there, thanks, I
mumbled.Seeing that I was not budging until she put the food
down, she obliged and set the tray down. Immediately I could tell
that she wanted to say something. I was not a people person, but
I could sense things, especially in people as readable as
Yanagi.I waited. Silence.I waited somemore.

Mikagami sempai, I wanted to apologize for that
night, she blurted out. You and Recca-kun would not
have fought if I hadnt asked you to take a walk with me.
Im really sorry. She cast me a bleak glance.

Theres nothing to be sorry about. I was
firm. I didnt want her to apologize and feel bad about
something that was my fault. More silence. I could almost hear
Yanagi fidgeting.

Well, okay. I just wanted to see if everything was
okay, she said dubiously. No, nothings okay. Yanagi,
I want you, and everytime I try to say something, you shy away. I
know youre Hannabishis, but I dontI
cant understand what you find in him that you cant
find in me. What is so wrong with me that you cannot treat me
like you do Hannabishi?

Everythings alright.

Okay, then. I guess Ill go now.

With that, she left.My mouth opened to speak to her retreating
shadow, to call her back, but closed. I was alone again, in
heart, soul and body. The silence, thick and smothering, familiar
in its blanketing comfort, threatened to engulf the room. But
when the ice cracks, there is always a wall of water to fall back
upon.That was a comforting thought.