CGI is ruining everything. First, Michael Bay gets to be called a filmmaker. Now Lena Headey’s face is digitally morphed onto some other chick’s naked body in Game of Thrones. Headey can’t stop talking about the rough experience of filming this Christ with merkin walk of shame. But that’s not her. I’d like to take credit for bringing Iran to the nuclear bargaining table, but all I did was have sex with a Persian girl in her parents white and black lacquered bedroom while I stared into the eyes of a stuffed cheetah. As digital technology progresses we’ll have no idea whose tits we’re seeing on screen. Is Kate Upton finally going topless in the movies or is that a teen sex slave they take out of a cage for body double shoots. Either way is kind of hot. I thought Alyssa Milano put a stop to this in the 90′s. The right to know who you’re tugging to is fundamental. I fear for the next generation. You’ll never know the veracity of Polaroids.

They say you can tell a lot about a movie based on the type of people who show up to the premiere, and if that is indeed the case, then 300: Rise of an Empire is the Celebrity Rehab of movies in 2014. Among the many other people that you’ve probably never heard of, Tito Ortiz and his wife Kristin graced the red carpet, as did Gene Simmons and his son Nick. If only someone there had possessed the vision to tell Tito that Nick and Gene grabbed his wife’s ass, we could have actually received a little entertainment from this movie that was basically only made so a million former frat boys could bust out their Halloween costumes from 2006 one more time. Fortunately, Lena Headey and Eva Green were also there, so it wasn’t a complete dumpster fire.