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It's very hard for me to get involved with books and things of the like, but I am very interested in reading this. Maybe I'm waiting for it to become more developed

You seem like you would be very efficient in your writing style, something I enjoy greatly. Keep up the work!

I won't force you or anything.

Seems like it will be a bundle of chronological short stories though. At the very least the first in the sequence seems to be nearing completion, the following stories might not be short at all. Once Im done with that Ill polish the story up, making sure the flow's alright.
This first part is mainly an introduction of the world and main characters with small events. I will start focusing on a bigger plot soon.

I only read the first few pages so far, but I think it's really good. The one thing I would say is that present tense narrative is really hard to pull off, especially from the third person perspective. I would recommend telling the story in the past tense.

I only read the first few pages so far, but I think it's really good. The one thing I would say is that present tense narrative is really hard to pull off, especially from the third person perspective. I would recommend telling the story in the past tense.

I don't disagree there. I think present tense can work well towards putting the reader right into the thick of it. But present tense is a bit unpolished in a sense.
Past tense seems to flow better for reading. Not to mention not everything can be put in present tense (unless you 'go around the bush' which will annoy the reader), but everything can be put in past tense.

Either way, I wanted to finish the first story before I repolish the document, for the sake of current readers, I'll keep using present tense to the best of my ability for now since most of the story is written like that.

I'm also thinking of more clearly making a distinction between narrative and thoughts by using cursive text, without having to add Kaynin thinks, ponders, wonders, assumes or whatever with every single thought. And polishing the sentence structures of the sentences that are kind of inbetween narrative and thought at the moment. Right now there are parts that explain too much.

Either way, I wanted to finish the first story before I repolish the document, for the sake of current readers, I'll keep using present tense to the best of my ability for now since most of the story is written like that.

I'm also thinking of more clearly making a distinction between narrative and thoughts by using cursive text, without having to add Kaynin thinks, ponders, wonders, assumes or whatever with every single thought. And polishing the sentence structures of the sentences that are kind of inbetween narrative and thought at the moment.

Totally. The hardest part is just getting SOMETHING on paper, I think-- you're smart to focus on that first and editing later. I have the problem whenever I try to write that I try to edit as I go along, and then I don't get very far. :P