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I am feeling very much so in a very “stuck” place in my life right now… kind of like the “4 of cups” tarot card. That, is how I feel. I for one am NOT losing any weight, despite how often I exercise and how healthy I eat. I attribute it to my thyroid, which I believe I am under medicated for. June 4th I drive to Indianapolis to file to get medical care at the walk-in clinic because it’s one of the only clinics in Indiana that is 90% income-based. From there, I will likely have to wait 2-3 weeks to even get in with a doctor. Yes, an hour and a half each direction ($50 in gas for my beast) to do paperwork alone; then, another drive to see the doctor.

Needless to say, the process is very frustrating. Erin and I are both struggling financially right now, and I have so much potential, and I am apparently not living it up. I know that Erin and I are not meant to be together, and I know for a fact that I am still in love with Ashley. Erin and I are together right now only to help each other out financially, and unfortunately Erin owes me $7,000 and going up per month. I am basically paying all of our bills, and we are almost flat broke.

I do not want to work for anyone. I hate working for people, and it is completely stifling. I cannot ever seem to find a job that I enjoy when it involves working for or under someone. I am wanting to work for myself and be fully independent. It is easier said than done, but everyone around me seems to own their own business… meaning, everyone in my family – they are all self-sufficient, and half of them didn’t even graduate college! Granted, my father and my sister have Master’s Degree’s, but no one else, and they are making over 100K a year.

My biological father makes 6 figures a year. All of them do it (the work) on their own, and of course, they have hired people. But they are CEO’s. I am not sure what’s going on with my life as to why I cannot seem to make ends meet for myself right now, but it’s the student loans that are killing me… I owe $714 a month in student loans… I can barely even afford to make rent + utilities, let alone student loans or anything else.

I am having a bad day today. I have “stuff,” literally everywhere… and “stuff” has NOT made us money. We have good stuff, too, but apparently this is not what we’re “meant” to do. I am trying to narrow my focus down to only what’s important, and I feel like I am doing this all the time. I am getting down the basics… and I prefer it that way, yet I am not happy about where I currently am in life.

It would seem the only option for Erin and I to be financially secure is to go to South Korea for 1 year in January and teach English… where she can pay me back then, and I can at least put a little money aside. There isn’t anything in the United States here for me right now… I need to get this debt down. I am also depressed I think about this whole Ashley thing… I am really sad (and angry) – I suppose it’s grief, that she is not in my life.

I am angry that she just walked out of my life when I, and really, each other had been there for each other for years. I was going to buy her a plane ticket once to a personal growth psychology conference in Colorado… I had the money then, and I knew she would love that. She said I was “nuts.” I am very generous when it comes to time and resources in terms of people I truly love. Of course now I would not be in a position to do that, however, I was then. What’s changed? Student loan money ran out… and I have paid Erin’s bills.

When Erin works, she cheats. It’s a double-edged whammy for me. I cannot trust her anywhere… this “relationship,” as I have said many times before, is virtually non-existent. But I am here, for now, because I can’t make it on my own, either, to survive. …until, as I said, we go to Korea, where the money is guaranteed and housing paid, so I can afford to cut down on some of the debt. 1 year in Korea and then I shall be good to go for a while.

Student loan companies and student loans in general are a complete joke. They rip people off. They do not work with you at all, not “private” companies at least, ie: Sallie Mae’s private loans. Unfortunately I have a bunch of them because my parent’s made “too much money” for me to qualify for federal aid, at the time I applied for college, the first couple years. Very aggravating… ill despite the fact that I never saw a penny from my family, student loan companies took this into account.

So I said, “I don’t care, I am going to go to school,” and I took out the private loans. Now debt hangs over my head, and we, people, dream of ways to pay it off. I am highly capable so I am not sure what’s going on here… why I am struggling? I am not inspired, and I am honestly wanting Ashley to come back into my life as a friend. I want to do fun things together… to talk… about everything. I am sick of the lame people here in Lafayette (literally) – they are all ignorant. Nobody shares the same interests as us here… ie, organic, health food, exercise, progressive politics, etc. Just “progressive!” It’s… all in Bloomington, and even then, I’m not sure if it would be like in Vermont, or more “progressive” states.

I just feel… “blah” right now. My family does not talk to me… my brother, sister, mother, Amy, cousins, etc. It’s as though, literally, ever since I went to VT, everyone has cut me off… okay, so I have different beliefs… your point? They have ex-communicated me. I am not exaggerating. I am ignored and flat-out not invited to family get togethers and gatherings. Do you know how sad this is?

Anyway, I want to go because I want to try and work out my never-changing stomach… at another shot to correct something that can’t be corrected with out the proper medication, which, at this point, is just a “waiting” period, ie: June/July doctor.

Now I have to get to work… lots do to today. I have to clean out the booth from K&C’s Stuff & Things – Never again consignment! Consignment sales were horrible, for everyone!

After clearing out the booth, we are probably (well, are, haha) going to be left with a lot of stuff. This is always fun… sarcasm! There is a community yard sale this weekend, so it should be pretty fun. Great way to get rid of it! Everything that does not sell will be donated to charity.

So curiosity has struck me because I keep seeing “Illinois” plates EVERYWHERE, and Erin suggested that it might be Ashley “thinking” about me. This started on Memorial Day, and it’s been nuts – like, they will randomly jump out in front of me and are literally EVERYWHERE. Anyway, so tonight, I can’t remember what prompted me, I googled Ashley’s name and stuff with her mother came up. Before I go there, I wanted to say that it said Ash lives in Chicago… “Mylife” pretty much reveals everywhere you have lived… it even mentioned that Ash lived in Wisconsin..

So a few things… first off, I think it is very eerie that Ashley’s mom was on the news a couple years ago and traded in her silver dollars… when I literally collect them and buy them off people. I literally (call it “luck” or what – actually, I think it’s karma, because I had some stolen from me in the past) paid $22 for 3 of them, and they together are worth $2,000. The guy at the Fairgrounds said that he thought they were “fake,” but they turned out to be real!

I want to apologize to Ashley for not being there… I didn’t have any idea she had passed sine Ashley cut me off right around the time of this article… if I had known that, I would have literally, flown to this funeral and been there with Ashley. I am not exaggerating; I would do anything for that woman, and to support her… her grandmother was such a beautiful, nice, strong woman. She died around the time Ashley and I met… “March.” Granted, 8 years later. Still, I do not remember the last time that I heard from Ashley…

The last conversation I had with her was while I was at the mall in New Jersey with Erin shopping for Mac’s… we had gone to the Mac store, then to the Disney store (for Erin), then to a food equipment store, and I had called Ashley somewhere in between… I think in the Disney store… and I had told her that I would be going to South Korea to teach English. I am not sure of the month, but I honestly think it was right around the time her grandmother had passed… I had/have never heard from Ashley since, except that she no longer wanted to talk with me should my “feelings” come between her and a “future” relationship.

I wish I had the email from Ashley that she sent me departing our own ways, but I don’t… I closed the account… I might actually have it in a blog, I would have to check… Irregardless, I am shocked to learn that her grandmother passed, and I am more saddened than anything to have not been able to be a part of Ashley’s support during this trying phase, especially since she was there when my father passed away.

I just signed the guestbook… I will probably go and pay my respects and put flowers on her grave soon.

Some errie coincidences are coming up with this search… As I posted in a previous entry, I had a dream that Teresa bought a house… well, on one of the searches it says a house was either sold or purchased on April 21st 2012 to Teresa via Majestic Homes – IF it’s the same Teresa! Weird weird weird… I do not have a connection like this with anyone else… the only two other experiences I have had were with my stray cat, “Buckeye,” 15 years ago and my ex, Jen… so strange. Only Ashley.

2450 Estancia Lane… I am sorry, but this cannot get any creepier. I dream of this woman… well, Ashley, not her mother, obviously ;) …although, as I said, I dreamt that she purchased a house… in fact, I honestly want to go back and see when I dreamt it, because it may (actually, it was) right around the time that she purchased it! I mean, I have had dreams of Ashley, where I am screaming her name… like, waking up and screaming her name. I had one dream like this, and it was extremely powerful and intense.

I also had a dream that Ashley was coming to visit home, and sure enough, she did! …the next day! Erin swears we are meant to be. Anyway, I have to go check this out. As for everything else going on, a lot. Re-instated, I picked up a part-time job to help supplement some money until South Korea next year :) 1 year in Korea, and I should be in a much better financial position!

Update- LOTS going on… super busy. Picked up a part-time job in addition to the full time work my roommate and I do together. Now I am working in sales for a company, in sales for myself, and tarot reading and life coaching. Next year I am for sure going to South Korea to teach English for 1 year. Lots going on! Working on figuring out why I have gained 10 lbs and why I can’t seem to lose it… doctor appointment in a couple of weeks. Soooo much going on! Will try and keep everyone posted.

My feelings about Ashley have not changed, and I have my mind made up, no matter what the age. I don’t care if I am 80 years old, I will still ask her to marry me. I know for a fact, with out a doubt, that she is the person that I want to be with.

I have gained 10 lbs since Ashley moved out “officially” April 5th. I chalk it up to not walking past her apartment anymore – that, and depression. I am clearly depressed now that she is gone… I really had hopes for us. Tonight I posted on my Facebook: “I am 100% certain that you are the person I want to be with, and if you were here right now, I would, without a doubt, ask you to marry me, and I don’t think I would regret that decision. I am here when the time is right. Whatever form you come back in my life, I will be here, waiting.”

I really miss her… I also sent her a picture of the moon:

because it’s supposed to be a full moon tonight… I honestly don’t even know whether or not she receives my messages. People will probably think I am crazy, but then again, they probably also think that Noah in the Notebook was crazy. I definitely share his mentality.

I am not one to give up when I know in my heart that something is right, and note I said “heart,” not my head. Ashley is not somebody I think I want, I know in my heart that the relationship is right for me, and it’s a conviction.

I am certainly open to other relationships and am not closing myself off to the chance of love or loving another, but I know that Ashley and I could be happy together… fulfilled. I have learned my lesson and learned from the mistakes of yesterday… 9 years ago.

Noah in the Notebook waited over 7 years for Allie… It has been 9 years, and I am still waiting on Ashley to return… the difference is that her and I have stayed in contact since we broke up. She just hasn’t talked to me for a year and a half… she randomly cut me out of her life out of nowhere.

Anyway, I just wanted to express a little tonight. I am going to go work out now on my favorite work out machine – the row machine :-)

Hmm… what’s really new? Not much… I just ordered a new Osprey Raptor 14 backpack. I am going to see if I like it better than the Raptor 10. Osprey’s backpacks are absolutely amazing.

I am still doing flea marketing, independent sales, tarot readings ,etc. I have actually done very well with tarot readings. I read for 5 people in one day at a yard sale last week and made $100 in readings alone and had an awesome time.

I had a yard sale today and got burnt bad. I made $100 – no tarot readings.

Shipshawana sucked a few days ago, and I don’t want to go again, however, it was suggested to me that it picks up after Memorial Day, so we’ll try again.

I’m trying to get rid of everything I can right now and switch to vintage costume jewelry along with the tarot readings on the side because everything else is just getting to be too much… it’s too heavy, and it (a lot of it) is not really selling… I heard jewelry is a good place to start.

I bought a fixie (fixed gear bicycle) two weeks ago and couldn’t be happier – I love it! People suggested not doing fixed gear right away, especially if you haven’t ridden a bicycle in as long as I have (10+ years), but I decided to dive right in, and I couldn’t be happier!

Hmm, what else… People in Indiana seem to be really close-minded… I have been having a difficult time getting close to others here, or rather, they have had a difficult time getting close to me. I have honestly never experienced anything like it… I am sizing it up to conservative vs. liberal. Indiana seems to be pretty damn conservative.

Hmm… what else… Ashley is still not talking to me. I don’t even know whether or not she reads my blog or even looks at my profile. Her boyfriend seems full of himself, or maybe that’s not the right word… he just doesn’t seem very intelligent honestly, and I think she can do better.

Hmm… I have stuff scattered everywhere… in my apartment, storage unit now, and at two of my retail booths. Oh… the retail booths… are not working out. They are not making any money at all, and I am not exaggerating. Rent is $150, and I literally sold $150 worth of items, which means I actually lost money… ie, what I put into those products. I will be pulling out of both booths by the end of May.

Yard sales have been a success… I have made $150 at each one I have hosted. I have hosted on Fri, Sat, and Sunday’s. Today I hosted and made $100. Sunday’s suck… at least the last one did. I think it may be because of church? Just a speculation… Fri & Saturday’s are good.

Hmm… I will be going to the fair grounds to sell… people say it’s pretty good. It’s the first Sunday of every month… should be interesting, although I do not know how I feel about being up at 6am. I am not a morning person; I never have been, and I never will be.

What else is new? I am still eating healthy…

I am thirsty right now actually.

I just wanted to update everyone on what’s been going on with my life…

Hmm, re-iteration of anything… ? Just that I feel lonely and dissatisfied with my relations and affairs here in Lafayette, or the “Midwest,” rather. Erin and I both have not been very happy in regards to our social attempts. People are truly close-minded hear, fear-based, ignorant, and way too damn closed off. I cried last night because it just got to me that a friend was so damn push/pull with me, and I just truly feel like it is the Midwest, because I haven’t experienced this elsewhere… not this bad. Burlington was never this way, mark my word!

I am sad that Ashley has not yet come back into my life… but what can I expect? I am still shocked that her and her mother moved out of the apartment complex they had been living in for over 15 years – blows my mind.

I want to write, ie: music, etc. but have not been inspired. I am trying hard to follow-through with my daily goals.

I am thinking of selling aloe vera plants at my yard sale because I have literally had dozens of people interested in mine that I use with my tarot readings ;)

I am craving a smoothie right now with flax seed oil and/or protein powder.

So I am not sure whether to be angry or happy for Ashley. I know that sounds horrible, but I am a bit shocked and mortified to see that her profile picture on facebook is now of her and a guy. She’s been dating this guy for a while, at least for a few months, and it’s petty clear. Worst of all, the guy dresses like me. Literally, when I saw their pic yesterday as Ashley’s main profile pic, I had on the exact same shirt on as the guy, no exaggeration! …a button up long sleeve shirt, with a white T underneath.

To make matters worse, when I clicked on his profile to find out a little more about who the magical guy is, there are pictures of them at OUR place! …literally, “OUR” place – Mudlavia! wtf? Okay. You know, she calls me a year ago and tells me how she met this other guy “just like me,” etc… I mean, “just” like and goes on and on obsessively, and how we’re “soooo similar,” and she “can’t get ‘over,’ it.” Riiiight.

I am angry, and I am not going to worry about it much anymore. If that’s the lifestyle she’s going to choose to lead, then she can lead it. I don’t differeniate gender or let it confime me. Erin brought up the fact that maybe she hasn’t told this guy that she’s been with woman… who knows… I doubt that, because Ashley is very open about everything, but who knows. At any rate, I don’t define myself according to predisposited “gender” roles.

There really isn’t much else I can say other than the sickness in my stomach has gone away, and I literally feel angry and likely very shocked at what I see. It is what it is… I haven’t felt this way in a while; I think the last time I felt like this was when Ashley was with Crystal, and I regretted having screwed up with her.

I have changed, 100%. I know that I can make her happy. I know that we can make each other happy – that is the furthest thing from her mind though, and I have to and will respect that. I am honestly about to just try to “drop” all of this… I am so tired of it. I am hurt and turned off right now.

I think I am going to get ready and go for a bike ride on my new fixie. I want to get my body in shape and build it strong. I want to live a long life. I have dreams and goals I have set for myself, and I plan to reach them.