Tuesday, August 07, 2007

All the best parts of Deathly Hallows

I'm spending this week writing furiously, trying to get this book done before grad school starts in a few weeks. Consequently, I don't really feel like a blog. Blogs and jobs: for suckers.

Therefore, I'm going to copy and paste a series of blogs from my personal website, and assume that you never looked at them when I wrote them two weeks ago. If you did, then you get to look at them TWICE! Hooray!

But there's a twist this time: there's a contest. If you can identify all the movies/books from which these Harry Potter Spoilers are derived (in lists 1, 3, & 5) then you win a copy of my first book, On Second Thought! Sure, it might seem like a hollow promise, since Stephanie and Jon both won books back in January and I've yet to deliver them, but this time for sure! Stick a needle in my eye.

Anyway:

The Most Romantic Moments in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

10. Seamus discovered he really loves Parvati Patil the moment she "sat on that silly pinecone". 9. Hagrid, up to his neck in the icy water of the lake, is told by a weeping Professor McGonagall "I'll never let go". (She eventually lets go, because Hagrid, as you can imagine, is pretty heavy.) 8. As Cho Chang is about to be executed in the courtyard, Quasimodo swoops down to her rescue and carries her to bell tower. 7. Finally deciding that she can't ever make Malfoy good, Lavender Brown dresses like a sexy biker chick and joins his gang. They drive off into the sky in Greased Lighting. 6. Professor Sprout realizes that Snape's cold, aloof exterior hide his true good nature, and that he was wronged by Professor Flitwickham. 5. Nearly Headless Nick enlists the powers of phoney fortune teller Sybill Trelawney to help him contact his true love: Dolores Umbridge. Trelawney slides a gold galleon under the door. Umbridge says "ditto". 4. Grawp kidnaps Luna, climbs to the top of the Shrieking Shack, and is shot down by bi-planes.3. Lucius Malfoy lassos the moon for Narcissa. Then he kills a bunch of people. 2. Ron and Hermione finally meet, on Valentine's Day, at the top of the Empire State Building. It turns out that Ron's bookstore was bullying Hermione's out of business, and then they jump into a volcano together. Hilarity ensues. 1. Ginny gets on her broom and flies off into the night. Harry and Voldemort walk together. You-Know-Who says "Harry, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

The most annoying political messages in Book 7

10. Dumbledore's Army has started wearing Che Guevara t-shirts. 9. The Death Eaters' worst crimes involve litter and driving SUVs. 8. Flourish and Botts gets pushed out of business by big box store Wand-Mart 7. Poverty gets the best of the Weasleys. Mr. Weasley applies for Ministry aid, but is called a welfare-mooch and starves to death in a gutter. 6. If you listen closely to the Zapruder film you can faintly hear "Avada Kedavra!" coming from the grassy knoll. 5. The House Elves take control of the factories, murder the bourgeousie. 4. Hagrid and Filch build a fence around Hogwarts, claim the centaurs are taking all the good jobs. 3. The Malfoys decide to homeschool Draco. 2. Fleur and Madame Maxime denounce their home country, begin listening to country music. 1. All this crap about orphans.

Day Three: The most inspiring moments in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

10. In the Department of Mysteries, Dolores Umbridge fights corruption with a 23-hour long filibuster. She collapses to the floor, and Scrimgeour admits his guilt. 9. Colin Creevy finally learns how to cast a patronus when Luna pumps water over his hands. 8. Professor Snape takes the troubled kids under his wing--Crabbe, Goyle, Malfoy, etc--and helps them to pass the AP Potions test. The ministry thinks they all cheated, but they take it a second time--and pass again! Snape calls Pansy Parkinson "net-head". 7. Harry builds a Quidditch field in the backyard, and his dad comes out of the corn to play with him. 6. Grawp, despite his limited mental capacity, still manages to inspire a bumper sticker, run from coast to coast, and own a lucrative shrimp company. 5. Just before Christmas, a New York court is trying to disprove the existence of magic. Young Hermione Granger enters the courtroom, approaches the bench, and then casts the Cruciatus curse on the prosecutor. The evidence is clear, and the judge dismisses the case. 4. Professor McGonagall teaches in an unorthodox manner and inspires the kids to be themselves. Ginny plays the saxaphone in a cave. Neville tries out for a play, and then shoots himself in the head. McGonagall is fired. 3. Ron takes his stand: "Wherever there's a fight so mudbloods can use magic, I'll be there. Wherever there's a Death Eater beatin' up a guy, I'll be there. An' when the people are eatin' the stuff they Apparate, and livin' in tents that are way bigger on the inside than on the outside - I'll be there, too." 2. Falsely accused, Mad Eye Moody sits in Azkaban. Bellatrix Lestrange advises "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'." 1. To rescue Harry from the Gringott's bank examiner, the town's people flock to his house with baskets of Galleons and Knuts. Zuzu says "Everytime a bell rings, a Hippogriff gets its wings."

Surprising Items Found in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows which indicate JK Rowling is Mormon

10. Hagrid is referred to as "one mighty and strong". 9. The Department of Mysteries now features a Rameumptom. 8. Harry recounts his past experiences: "I had the special opportunity to go to the Chamber of Secrets." 7. Introduction of new house elves in addition to Dobby, Hokey, and Winky: Omni, Himni, and Mahonri. 6. Neville is rescued from the Forbidden Forest by three men dressed in white. They advise him to get his food storage. 5. Ron and Hermione defend their relationship: snogging not mentioned in For the Strength of Youth. 4. Butterbeer replaced by cool, refreshing bottled water. 3. In climactic scene, Harry rides into the Ministry of Magic on a white horse. Claims the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery is hanging by a thread. 2. Transfiguration class replaced by Enrichment. 1. The Order of the Phoenix murmurs, gets cholera, returns home.

Best quotes from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

10. "I love the smell of gillyweed in the morning." 9. "I ate his liver with some Every Flavor Beans and a nice Chianti." 8. "Mrs. McGonagall, you're trying to seduce me, aren't you?" 7. "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty centaur!" 6. "Of all the pumpkin juice joints in all the towns in all the world, she Apparates into mine." 5. "Flying Whizbees is people!" 4. "You had me at Petrificus Totalus." 3. "No, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Avada Kedavra kiled the beast." 2. "I have a feeling we're not in England anymore, Crookshanks." 1. "There's no crying in Quidditch!"

The first person to post all the correct answers in the comments is the big awesome winner! Note: they're not very hard, so you'd better hurry.

Amy, I think the cryptic, unemployed Mr. Wells wants us to figure out the movies-within-the-movies-within-the-book. (Oh, no! Please tell me I don't understand Rob's thinking.) For example, and since all I can see is the bottom of the post while I'm type this, #3 "No, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Avada Kedavra killed the beast" is a rip-off from King Kong. (And a clever one.) #1 "There's no crying in Quiddithch!" is from A League of Their Own. (And my personal favorite.) With that much of a clue, I'll leave you to solve #2 -- and to infinity and beyond! -- for yourself.

Good luck with that. I know all but four or five which tells me two things: 1) I won't win Rob's book and 2) I watch WAY too many movies.

4. Grawp kidnaps Luna, climbs to the top of the Shrieking Shack, and is shot down by bi-planes.

From "King Kong."

3. Lucius Malfoy lassos the moon for Narcissa. Then he kills a bunch of people.

Um... "Attack of the Clones?"

2. Ron and Hermione finally meet, on Valentine's Day, at the top of the Empire State Building. It turns out that Ron's bookstore was bullying Hermione's out of business, and then they jump into a volcano together. Hilarity ensues.

From "Joe and the Volcano" and "You've Got Mail."

1. Ginny gets on her broom and flies off into the night. Harry and Voldemort walk together. You-Know-Who says "Harry, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

Day Three: The most inspiring moments in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

10. In the Department of Mysteries, Dolores Umbridge fights corruption with a 23-hour long filibuster. She collapses to the floor, and Scrimgeour admits his guilt.

"Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."

9. Colin Creevy finally learns how to cast a patronus when Luna pumps water over his hands.

Any movie version of Hellen Keller's life.

8. Professor Snape takes the troubled kids under his wing--Crabbe, Goyle, Malfoy, etc--and helps them to pass the AP Potions test. The ministry thinks they all cheated, but they take it a second time--and pass again! Snape calls Pansy Parkinson "net-head".

That one of the inspirational teacher. He taught kids Calculus. Dang it, I can't remember his name!

7. Harry builds a Quidditch field in the backyard, and his dad comes out of the corn to play with him.

"Field of Dreams."

6. Grawp, despite his limited mental capacity, still manages to inspire a bumper sticker, run from coast to coast, and own a lucrative shrimp company.

"Forrest Gump."

5. Just before Christmas, a New York court is trying to disprove the existence of magic. Young Hermione Granger enters the courtroom, approaches the bench, and then casts the Cruciatus curse on the prosecutor. The evidence is clear, and the judge dismisses the case.

A very twisted version of "Miracle on 34th Street."

4. Professor McGonagall teaches in an unorthodox manner and inspires the kids to be themselves. Ginny plays the saxaphone in a cave. Neville tries out for a play, and then shoots himself in the head. McGonagall is fired.

"Dead Poets Society."

3. Ron takes his stand: "Wherever there's a fight so mudbloods can use magic, I'll be there. Wherever there's a Death Eater beatin' up a guy, I'll be there. An' when the people are eatin' the stuff they Apparate, and livin' in tents that are way bigger on the inside than on the outside - I'll be there, too."

8. Professor Snape takes the troubled kids under his wing--Crabbe, Goyle, Malfoy, etc--and helps them to pass the AP Potions test. The ministry thinks they all cheated, but they take it a second time--and pass again! Snape calls Pansy Parkinson "net-head".