Lost my deen and iman – no right to call myself a muslim anymore

You may remember me from a previous post about wishing death upon my abusive father because of my hate towards the hijab and my hate towards him.

Looking back that was a few months ago but since then everything has only gotten worse. Before skipping over this please take the time to read my story because I am extremely lost and I don't know what to do.

I am a 21 year old female and live in Canada.

I met a boy I work with and we started dating about 3 months ago. He is a non-Muslim and very Christian and i'm afraid I really have strong feelings for him as I do see my future being with him. The problem is I am losing my deen. I am not gravitating towards any other religion but I have committed many acts of major sins and i'm afraid there's no way back to Islam.

I take my hijab off in secret when I go out mostly, I wear revealing clothes, I drink and attend parties, worst part is that I have also committed zina with this boy on multiple occasions and I cant stop. I feel no guilt. I feel no love towards Islam or Allah.

I lie to get out of the house and see him or my friends since I have extremely and by extremely I mean EXTREMELY crazy religious and strict parents. If my father ever found out about any of this I can guarantee that I would die by his hands. Once my sister sent photos of herself without the hijab to a modelling agency in the past and he almost killed her. She was beaten so bad that she fainted and was almost killed so I can't imagine what would happen to me if I get caught. I am deathly scared of my father and what he would do to me and my mother/family if I ever get caught.

I have thought about what I should do if I want to have a future with this boy who I truly love and I believe the only way is that if I runaway from home. The only problem with that is once again I fear for the lives and safety of my mother and sisters if I do that.

I'm in such a pinch and my life feels like its falling apart. I don't pray and haven't for the past maybe 10 years of my life but at least I have always believed in Allah and was scared for the afterlife. Now I question Islam as I do with Christianity but deep down I know I still have that speck of belief in Allah. Another problem is that I am embarrassed of being Muslim so I tell people I am agnostic which I feel has gotten me even further since even though I wear the hijab
(I lie that I only wear it to work for certain reasons) I say I am agnostic and don't know which god I believe in but I believe in ONE god.

I have very much gone off the path of islam by lying, drinking, having sex, partying etc.

I know everyone may think this is the fault of the boy, but I was like this before - drinking and being a slut basically. The only difference is that I have lost my virginity and my will to even keep a speck of deen or iman.

I feel like the only option for me is to runaway if I want to have a future with the boy I love and leave this deen without thinking about the consequences and without thinking about the safety of my family.

What should I do. Do I even have the right to ask for any advice or help? I do not want to leave Islam but I am also not a practicing Muslim which automatically makes me a kafir. I am too lost and too far into haram. Again, I don't even feel guilty, regretful or even feel the need to repent. I'm not even sure I want to try and come back to being a good or even decent Muslim.

I am a lost soul, what should I do. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.

Kafir is one who denies Allah and disbelieve in Allah. If you are not practicing Muslim then you are simply a sinning Muslim believer. It is very hard to become practicing Muslim overnight just like its hard to run marathon without training and practice. Same way you can take minor steps towards Allah and Islam and then slowly slowly you will become more religious and find Allah helping you in all your affairs and life becoming easier for you. Allah says if my slave puts out a hand span I put out arms length and if he comes to me walking I come to him running. Allah shows how ready he is to accept our repentance and sacrifice. Also Allah says "oh my slave never disdain of the mercy of Allah. He forgive all sins"

Did you think about the problems after leaving your parents and family you are going to face. That is just like that you are going to kill them first than they kill you first. Such a discusting step you are ready to take. Simply you are not a good girl and you want to do any thing whatsoever you want and top of that if some obstacles come on your way you just don't care. What I can say you are just going to jump in a hell . God bless you

My heart goes out for you.& for all those young people who feel so lost.My daughter is of your age, pray that she is not so lost.

Don't fret, don't lose hope.The fact that you are seaking advice, shows that you will get guidence.InshAllah. I am not going to discuss your abusive parents.May Allah guide them.

What you feel is a trick of ShataN.Shaitan first whisper us to commit sins.starts with minor sin and move on to major sin. Shaytan job will be done if you call yourself a kafir..Astagfullah !

Turn to Allah,he is merciful. Shaitan is a sworn enemy of our deen. He has sworn to stray us from the straight path. Allah has sworn to forgive all our sins commited knowingly or unknowingly even the sins amounting to Mountsins. Allla hummagfiLih .
Allah's knows your pain and sufferings.

You are MashaAllah 21, an adult. You have to take responsibilities yourself.thats what you are doing MashAllah. First step is seaking advice and help.

My humble advice would be to remove yourself from this boy,you are commiting sin with. It may not be easy but not impossible! Cut off all ties with him.throw your SIM card if necessary. believe me you will feel much better and be able take control of yourself, and your prescious life.Wrong is Wrong, there's no justice in it but we are human, we make mistakes, commit sins major or minor, that doesn't mean you leave islam, not at all instead come back to islam stronger after repenting.

Running away is NOt an option specially with this boy, do you think,this boy will make you happy?keep you forever?it won't last it never does! sooner or later love will wear off, then what ?you will be with another and another.
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Your home is your safe heaven, find a way to break your parents abusive, behaviour.Seak help for them to.Perhaps that's the only way they can deal with things. They don't know how to guide you properly, they must be feeling lost too. Be kind to them no matter how they behave.Allah will give you rewards for your good deeds InShAllah.

Read Quran it's beautiful you will find solace.even one line a day. Establish SalaH. Start with once a day! Go fund raising events, trying helping others you can do so many things to make a difference in your life and other people like yourself. You don't know, there might be people who are in worse situation then yourself. Shaytan loves you when you call yourself agnostic, you would be letting the devil have a laugh.in the day of judgement this shataN will say you did it all by yourself. Allah has given you free will. Your parents have taught you right and wrong. Now as an adult, you can change things for good.for both the world.attached yourself with good friends. InshaAllah everything will be ok.

Dear Sister,
I would like to give you only one advise. Stop drinking. This drinking habit make us lose our senses and thus we commit such things that we regret afterwards. Moreover, try to say prayers (namaz), as namaz work like an antidote against the infections that govern in our soul, and also help in quitting bad habits.
Just quit drinking and any other activity that make us lose our mind. I beleive you would be able to see things clearly then, and you will become able to make a wise decision.

Bismillah
For those of you who are willing to throw this beautiful sister in a hell hole, you should be ashamed and afraid for yourself. It is you who is lost in your arrogance and your pride. Unlike this sister who is asking for help. INDED IT IS ALLAH THAT LOVES YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH SO THAT HE DOESN’T WANT YOU TO GO AWAY FROM HIM. Allah is missing this sister. Allah wants to see her back in prayer. I cant say that for most of us!!! All this confilict is going through her because Allah lets it go on. She has committed sins and she thinks she can’t be saved, but sister you need to realize just because you have committed those sins you can be an even better muslim than those who think they are “clean from sin”. Nobody loves you like Allah. Its a trickery from shaitan to take you away from Allah.
You should listen to lectures from brother MOHAMED HOBLOS, and MUFTI MENK. I wish there was some other way incould help you. First and foremost get yourself on a prayer mat and PRAY!!!

I am simply going to give some suggestions of points of actions (with brief explanations) that may help you with things:

1) You do not have to be a saint or flawless to be a Muslim. To be accepted as a Muslim in the sight of God, you simply must believe with conviction that there is no other deity in existence except Allah, the One True God.

2) I believe you feel concerned not only about your parents and their reactions but your ultimate fate with Allah. Remember, so long as you do not denounce Him and His religion, there is hope for salvation.

3) You already can tell there are flaws in Christianity and you wouldn't accept it, hence telling people you are agnostic. Maybe you can relay these concerns to your partner and in turn once you are well educated enough about Islam, you can teach him and in turn (God willing), Allah would turn around a difficult situation to a blessing with your partner accepting Islam. What a great blessing it would be that if Allah granted your partner the gift of Islam, InshaAllah. Christianity is not too far from Islam, and Christians, once given rational and valid proofs through logic and texts from both the Bible and Quran, are more embracing of the truth of Reality which is there is only One Divinity, that is Allah. He pre-existed Existence and He created us with free-will to test which of us will be believing and submitting to Him.

4) Educate yourself about Islam, with sincerity, free of subjective views from your personal experience. Learn from trust worthy sources, that can relay it to you in your language that you can comprehend well. This way, you will be grounded in your beliefs, even if you decide and choose to commit sin, nevertheless, you won't falter at knowing the truth.

5) If you are adamant at being with your partner, tell him your concerns, of the welfare of your mother and siblings, and if he is sincere in wanting to be with you, he should also compromise and help accommodate you in certain areas. Maybe he can introduce himself as a Muslim to your father and earn his trust, maybe in time he can ask for your hand in marriage and this way your father can give his blessings? Just a suggestion. Even if he isn't and is lying about it, it is better that the sanctity of life be maintained and no blood is spilled.

Assalamu alaikum sister!
Keep repenting to Allah ask him for forgiveness he needs it when we are doing it remember, never loose hope in the mercy of Allah he can forgive any sin i mean anyone no matter how the heavy is, but second advice try as much as you can to leave the Christian boi alone because wat ever cause you your peace is totally unaccepted, don't fear the fact that your father will kill or harm you just fear the fact that no matter the pleasure and the enjoyment yu are in now, one day yu will leave this temporary world and dnt let your self to die unless in the condition of Islam, may Allah forgive us both because we all have our weaknesses,
May Almighty Allah make it easy for us to repent ameen.

Dear sister ou should act upon what say above all sisters and brothers .ALLAH IS GJAFOOR AND RAHEEM HE forgive our sins even shirk if we repent sincere before death .ALLAH love us so much shytaan laugh at you and he success when you obey him and say you are kafir no yoy are muslim bcz you believe in ONE ALLAH .You have faith and worry about your faith bcz you come here again for suggestions and help you are sinner but not non muslim yiu believe in ONE ALLAH.You should read QURAN daily with translation and you will see how much ALLAH IS MERCIFULL AND whT say ALLAH about shytaan.All my sisters and brothers say correct this is trap from shytaan .You should help family in work and spend time at home and spend tume in good activities and watch islamic programmes on tv and watch videos on youtube about ALLAH MERCY and HIS FORGIVINESS and repents i know it is difficult for you sometime .You can wath islamic programe for 10 minutes and watch islamic lactures and speeches on youtube 10,15 minutes in a day or less but watch regular and pray namazz if you cannot pray 5times a day you should read one namaaZ a day and after that pray 5 times a day.You have faith in your heart so you comehere for help and ALLAH wants help you bcz HE helped YOU to come here .Plz cutoff with him you cannot marry with him bcz he is mot muslim .Muslim woman cannot marry with another religion man.Ai know you will feel pain but give up for the sake of ALLAH ,ALLAH will award you IN SHALLAH .You visit mosque and talk with imam about islam and join islamic sisters community wthose sisters whom act upon on deen .In the begging you feel butden and if not act upon shytaan will success so you should defeat shytaan and ALLH will help you IN SHALLAH . here i am share a link with you how overcome on wasswaas http://islamiclearningmaterials.com/how-to-overcome-waaswaas-3/http://aboutislam.net/shariah/quran/this-verse/never-be-satisfied-with-average-goals-video/ read SURAH WADOHA for mind and heart peace.This is best cure of anixty and depression. http://productivemuslim.com/sincere-repentance-a-sure-path-to-forgiveness/https://islamqa.info/en/13990

Sister after pray namazz sit on mat for long time talk with ALLAH and say what is in your heart your feelings .ALLAH knows what in heart but sometime it is best yo say by tongue and ask to ALLAH that i want to change so help me and guide me and save my imaan and deen ALLAH will help you and never WILL alone you IN SHALLAH READ ISTEGHFAAR if your heart is not saying then say and yiu feel burden but it will be from shytaan you will be defeat shytaan .Hijaab is a blessing from ALLAH for the muslim woman . you read ALLAH names and read with meanings you ponder on them these will be good and deep effect n you IN SHALLAH .If you have smart phone you can download ALLAH names with meaning app you download such a app in which you can listen ALLAH name and you can read them and also download SURAHAS SURAH RAHAAN ,SURAH YASEEN R download Full app of QURAN MAJEED you can listen QURAN this is best for you audio QURAN if you want not read QURAN and want listen to QURAN .You download Manzil which is collection of AYAATS AND SHORTT SURAH taken from QURAN and this dua protection from sahir ,magic,enemies ,evil eye and shytaan . Best of luck and pray for me thanks

Search for more short videos(if you don't have patience to listen for many hours) by Dr .Zakir Naik .He has done many open debates with many Christians and other faith people .Insha Allah this will help you .

I am in exactly the same position, I am a Muslim girl with a man who says he has lost his way ( he was born muslim but no longer practices and believes in a god) we have been together and I am not sure if am in sinning being with someone like that.

I love him and want to make it work and help him come closer to allah but he refuses. He won't stop me practising but I feel like a hypocrite. I have tried to leave him but I keep coming back.

I have great love for allah and I do believe that if you leave something for allah you will get something better. Then why am I not strong enough to just leave?

I keep praying for help and I see sense, but when I see him I just want to make it work. Please help me

Don’t let your father’s “extreme” view on religion take you from Allah. Bad implementation of religion makes people turned off my It. What I’m saying is don’t let your father’s stern attitude with religion take you away from Allah. And remember sister, Allah forgives ALL BAD DEEDS. Trust me above all my problems, I have Allah and for that Alone I’m grateful. I have so many problems like everyone else...money issues (I’m extremely blessed compared to others by I am Just impatient at times for not being married yet) but it is tough sometimes. I’m almost 30. being fatherless is rough, father passed away when I was young. having a past of hard drug use, having done terrible things, having done every single major sin you can think of, besides murder and shirk, trust me sister I have seen and done it all. Feeling no guilt from sinning is I think something you have set up for yourself and I know the true believer lies within yourself. I love you sister for the sake of Allah and just remember only he can take you out of the depths of darkness. Move out of your parents home, it doesn’t sound like a loving environment....with that said when you move out I believe you or should focus on yourself and most importantly getting closer and finding a good Muslim husband. Family problems affect every aspect of our lives and it greatly affects our energy and motivation motivation. Don’t feel bad to move out but you should feel bad about what you have done only so you can repent, not to beat yourself up it’s to learn and change your condition. remember losing hope in Allah’s mercy is not GOOD OR RESPECTED IN THE EYES OF ALLAH. Be vulnerable with Allah, just like you posted on this forum as a cry for help; you need to be emotional to Allah and realize that your entire existence is in his hands. He is perfect, we are not. He is forgiving, he is the ultimate. He is your lord, return to him sister. I truly care for you but remember with Zina is many many problems. Don’t take zina lightly but at the same time, repent and don’t ever do it again. Keep your head up.

Islam is about belief of Allah and you told
In spite of you say you don't feel guilty, you still care. You still care about Allah - posting this post is irrefutable proof of that. Not feeling guilty is worrying, but normal part of making sins and feeling lost - not something expectional that would make one not to be able call herself or himself muslim. You are/you have been lost, but that won't be the situation always. Now what you need, is safe environment. First you must need to feel yourself safe and then you can truly understand that Allah is Safe too. Nothing you have done or though is any kind of obstacle to talk with Allah and become close with Allah.

You have very tough period in life and you feel lost and empty, but I want you to remember: being muslim is not about act you made today or last week, it's about believing Creator. So you are muslim.

I would be glad to hear what's your situation now and I am willing to discuss with you both here and privately if you wish.

In addition, it's confusing that you tell that you haven't been praying for 10 years and then you say you are losting iman 'cause of your ways of life. This is not about your ways of life. Of course you have no connect to Allah if you don't pray. So I'm blaming your parents that they have failed to teach you importance of prayer, in addition how far away from obligations of Allah and sunnah of Prophet (saws) your father has been.

First order of Allah was not about boyfriends or girlfriends. It was not about partying. It was: belief to one God! And that's what you are doing right now, my sister.
Can you name by memory five pillars? Are you aware what are six pillars of iman?

So my advice to you is now: do not worry about your drinking or whatever. Did you know that at first Allah prohibited muslims only coming to prayers drunken? Then, when they had learnt and adapted to that, Allah told them not to get drunk at all. And then when they adapted that, at last then Allah told them not to drink at all. Because they were in situation where it would be too hard to them just quit alcohol on one moment. You are in same phase on your own personal path, where they used to be.
Now I advise you is to stop what ever else are you doing and pray dua: Allah, help me in my life and help me to connect you - and concenrate to get to know what are five pillars and six pillars of iman and their meanings. And 99 names of Allah. I suppose you may not remember words and movements of salah, but we don't need to think about that in this moment. You can pray dua in whatever words and way you feel good. (Example here you can read something about basis of islam [not my page, but some simple page I found that I think may be easy place to start]: https://www.deviantart.com/nayzak/gallery/ )

There is hadith I want to share with you: When Prophet (saws) sent one of his companions to tell people about love of Allah and message of islam, he told him: "You are going to a nation from the people of the Scripture, so let the first thing to which you will invite them, be the Tauhid of Allah. If they learn that, tell them that Allah has enjoined on them, five prayers to be offered in one day and one night. And if they pray, tell them that Allah has enjoined on them Zakat of their properties and it is to be taken from the rich among them and given to the poor. And if they agree to that, then take from them Zakat but avoid the best property of the people."
(Sahih al-Bukhari 7372)

So now first thing to do is just to read about tauhid of Allah and how talking to Allah helps us and we can tell Him in spite of whatever choices we have ever done and what we should learn and benefit of fasting and giving alms. And read about 99 names of Allah.

first of all i would like to congratulate u for wanting to seek guidance....believe me ALLAH still loves more than u can imagine..it is satan who is our clear cut enemy who brings these negative thoughts in our mind to eradicate our innate love for ALLAH , to make us feel lost..believe me ..all u have to is pray two nawafil ( salat e towbah) and cry your heart out in front of ALLAH , asking Him to forgive u and show u the right way..ask him to keep u steadfast and to make u love Him and Prophet(SAW) ...u have to ask for guidance and surely it is Allah who gives it

remind yourself of the companions of Rasulullah who were in the worst form of shirk , in a terrible condition, but then what happened..Allah showed them the light and they accepted it to become the stars of this world...so my dearest sis ...my ALLAH show u the right path and may He create ease for u and save u from the deceptions of this world

remember that happiness through this world is always unsatisfaying and temporary..but the real happiness lies with Allah...

And He it is Who accepts repentance from His slaves, and forgives sins, and He knows what you do”

[ash-Shoora 42:25].

The Prophet MuhammadSAWStaught that seeking Allah’sSWT forgiveness polishes the heart:

“Sometimes I perceive a veil over my heart, and I supplicate Allah for forgiveness a hundred times in a day.” 3

“Verily, when the believer commits a sin, a black spot appears upon his heart. If he repents and abandons the sin and seeks forgiveness, his heart will be polished, but if he increases in sin, the blackness increases. That is the covering which Allah has mentioned in his Book: “Nay, but on their hearts is a covering because of what they have earned. [Qur’an: Chapter 83, Verse 14]””

Salamwalaikum sister. It's humbling that you're so honest, trust me I have a worst past than all the things you've said... Yet I feel the need to offer some advice. The fact that you wrote all of this, that you're feeling lost... Means that you still care... I've been in and out of love myself, my heart ached each time the love story ended, and on one occasion I felt my heart physically break, like how glass is broken, very strange. Anyways, you need to know that there's love out there for you, that he's not the only potential love of your life. God is the source of love, and he placed that "love" in between both of your hearts, but if it doesn't bring you closer to Allah and closer to paradise and far away from hell, then that feeling wasnt true love, it is has no authenticity. I used to tell myself I was young, (I'm still only 30), but honestly living in that deception that I will live until i am old is crazy. In fact, maybe Allah ordained my death to come soon because He knew I would be so arrogant and that I would put the idea of death on hold in my youth and get lost in the traps of a transient life. I took that attitude, partyed at university, did all the things you described and more, and even picked up a cigarette habit because of my flirting with weed and hard drugs. All of that has stopped, but now I am told that I have cancer... At 30. Imagine. I don't know how long I will live, I feel it is not long now... My only wish know is to right my wrongs, and get to jannah, I don't know if I have enough time... The world is designed to break you, the tragedy of history is that man rarely learns from the mistakes of others, they have to go through the course of being broken in order to truly awaken, though most will never awaken... But reflect, keep that speck of faith in your heart, reflect, don't stop asking Allah for guidance... Ultimately, I really pray that you don't choose to learn the hard way, for there's no guarantee you'll ever make it back... may Allah grant you victory, may He Inspire you to care more than what you do now, in a gentle way and not a hard way, ameen

I think this is a really old post, but if your still struggling I would like just say there’s so many of us who feel this way and I am in a similar situation to you. Trust me when I say this you are not alone.

You are lost because you don’t have cemented ideals and beliefs. Stop drinking, having sex, anything that you don’t have a concrete opinion on stop doing.

Once you are more relaxed and free of distractions, look into yourself and ask yourself what am I comfortable with?

For me I asked “are you not scared of the hell fire?” “Do you actually enjoy wearing these clothes” I asked question after questions until I got to my very core and now I know what I am comfortable with and what I simply won’t tolerate.

You don’t know what your inner boundaries are, and I don’t mean what your parents want you to be, or what your boyfriend would like you to be, no ones opinion matters what matters is what feels right to YOU inside your heart and mind.

You will be judged on the day of judgement for your sins and good deeds nobody else make peace with what that will be.