Just look at this fine specimen of manly top lip hair! Captain price has a moustache so glorious, that each new Call of Duty that he was in saw it grow even more, eventually extending into the iconic handlebars that we see today! Heck, we would be too surprised if the ability to have such pedigreed lip warmers was genetically encoded into the Price bloodline.

Mario

Pretty much the original moustachioed hero, the Italian plumber has an uncanny ability to make a moustache look good in any generation, from 8bit to next-gen! Plus, can you imagine him without his iconic look? No, no you can’t.

Dr Wily

Dr Wily is pretty much a massive failure. His robots are routinely defeated, his designs are stolen from Dr Light and he happens to have less hair on top of his dome than Bruce Willis. But the one thing that Wily does have, besides questionable levels of sanity, is one massive grey haired hairy slug on his face, something that not even Dr Light himself can match! Ha, take that, ya hack!

Heihachi Mishima

Speaking of senior citizen facial hair, the man behind the Iron Fist tournament has long been sporting a face warmer, that matches his eccentric hair style. In fact, it’s also the undisputed champ of the Iron Bristles tournament. True Story.

Mike Haggar

It’s enough to be ripped, massive and talented when it comes to busting skulls and killing crossbow wielding gang-lords in wheelchairs in Metro City. Oh no, when it comes to politics, there’s only one politician that you can trust to clean up the streets, Mike Haggar and his spine-busting moustache!

And that pretty much seals the deal on his election. Does Jacob Zuma have a moustache? Nope! Helen Zille? Nope! My vote is going to the IFP in the next elections instead!

Dr Ned

Having a moustache can bring untold benefits to its wielder. Just look at Dr Ned from Borderlands. He’s a better doctor than his no good brother Dr Zed ever was, plus he has an actual medical license to prove it! And it’s all thanks to his moustache, a wide-brimmed thing of beauty, so magnificent, it almost looks fake…

Dr Robotnik

Poor Dr Robotnik. He wasn’t seeking to imprison the denizens of Moebius for some silly little scheme that revolved around taking over the planet. Oh no, he just wanted to share the joy of having a moustache, but that damn Sonic the hedgehog grew jealous of his macho ginger ‘stache, and had to wreck everything. Who’s the real villain here, huh?

Solid Snake

The legendary secret agent may resemble a gym teacher with his pensioner lip, but there’s no denying the suaveness that imparted onto him, a smooth attitude that translated into his sneaking abilities. Remember, when you get to hell, tell ‘em that the moustachioed soldier sent ya there. You’ll get a free ticket to Valhalla then.

Dudley

Sophisticated, classy and undoubtedly cool. Plus if you make fun of his cultured facial hair, he’ll uppercut a moustache onto your face, in order to share the joy.

Because he's the writer that Lazygamer deserves, but not the one it actually needs right now.
So we'll hunt him. Because he can't take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a loud-mouthed journalist, a watchful procrastinator. A dork knight. View all posts by Darryn →