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UW-Platteville has been working closely with the UW-Richland and UW-Baraboo campuses to integrate their 2-year schools into the UW-Platteville system, per the integration plan passed by the UW Board of Regents in November of 2017.As a result, many students regularly travel between the campuses to facilitate the merging of faculty and student organizations.

Not too long ago, it was found that the UW-Platteville Student Health Services reported an unusually high rate of chlamydia per capita during the 2017-2018 academic year. This fact is believed to have directly led to the over 15% increase in chlamydia cases on the UW-Richland campus and 19% increase in cases on the UW-Baraboo campus.

The UW-Platteville Student Senate expressed concern about the connection at a recent meeting, and discussed writing announcements for students, reminding them to be safe both on and off campus.

When asked about the alleged relationship between the increase in chlamydia and the Integration plan, UW-Baraboo liaison Dr. Richard Blightman said there was no reason to think there was any connection between the integration and the STD.

“However, we will nonetheless investigate the possibility of a relationship and do whatever we can to eliminate the spread of infection,” Blightman said.

Students from both the Richland and Baraboo campuses have expressed more blatant concerns, seemingly convinced that the integration plan is the direct cause of their increase in chlamydia.

“Well think about it, all of a sudden this integration thing gets started, and two weeks later I get infected!I mean, not me, but you know, hypothetical me,” said an undecided freshman at UW-Richland Arthur Fullier.

A similar situation has been found with UW-Whitewater and UW-Rock County, as the number of reported cases of pubic lice, also known as “crabs,” in UW-Rock County has increased exponentially.

Researchers at UW-Madison have taken a vested interest in these alleged connections between integration plans and STDs.

“We find it fascinating that these increases are being related to integration plans, instead of other factors that often lead to an increase in disease, like weather or politics,” biology professor at UW-Madison Dr. Stan K. Lapson said.

Karl E. Haarski, a student at UW-Richland, disagrees with Dr. Lapson’s take on the matter.

“It has to be the integration plan; the timeline is too perfect. And here’s the bottom line, I’m sure integration will be better for our various schools in the long run, but is it really worth the economic toll of all those antibiotics?” Haarski said.

*Thank you for reading the Exponent’s “Antagonist” issue. This article is satirical and none of the information in this article should be considered factual.