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Passion Versus Comfort After Children: I Chose Comfort

I traded passion for comfort in my marriage and I am liking it just fine.

You know that passion you have at the beginning of a relationship? When every moment is about getting closer to each other and nothing is more important than seeing that person naked? How nothing else matters, not food or shelter or work?

Yeah, that intensity is kind of hard to maintain, especially when you have a young child, like I do.

I fully realize that this is a no-brainer for anyone who’s ever been in any sort of relationship, even a casual one, and I don’t think for a moment that I’m telling you anything revolutionary. I’m just saying that even in the most idyllic of relationships, it’s possible to become complacent. No one can keep up that new relationship pace, but it doesn’t make a person want to stop trying.

When I talk about the loss of that initial passion, I’m not saying that the romance dies a horrible death, it’s just that the manic focus gives way to a wider field of vision, one in which making dinner actually seems necessary and paying your electric bill is seen as a good thing. Which is all fine and good...but sometimes you miss that all-consuming passion.

I find that it’s harder to get to that single-minded state when I come home and the house is a wreck or I look into the kitchen and see a pile of dishes waiting for me. It’s not that my husband doesn’t do enough around the house; far from it, in fact. It’s just that life can be something of a mood killer. When my husband swoops me into his arms and carries me up the stairs I don’t want to find myself thinking about the laundry on the hamper next to the bed, you know what I mean?

My husband and I are constantly trying to remind ourselves of that flirtatious feeling we had way back when. Our ideas for re-igniting things range from more even distribution of chores to cutting out alcohol to sampling some herbal enhancers from our local health food store: simple things like maca and chasteberry; nothing that will induce Smurf vision or trips to the emergency room. We’re attempting to take up Pilates together in the hopes that exercise will help us shed some of the effects of everyday stress. We’re being more spontaneous (as much as a couple can when there’s a young child to care for) and trying to enjoy being a couple.

I wish I could say we have the same insatiable need to be with each other as we did when we first got together but that would be next to impossible. We don’t pounce on one another at the door anymore, but we make up for it in other ways: He knows what treat to get me when he goes to the grocery store, and I know what movie currently streaming on Netflix he would wildly appreciate. We’re comfortable in our skins when we’re together.

I miss the crazy passion of our first days, but the familiarity of where we are now seems to have its own sex appeal. If we can’t go back to where we were, that may not be such a terrible thing.

1. Chocolate

If you're looking for a place to start, it might as well be with chocolate, which Dulan says is probably the food most commonly connected to love and sexuality, with even its scent being enough to boost desire. "Eating chocolate is associated with love and attraction. Some say it is better than sex. Chocolate contains phenylethylamine (PEA), which acts as a neurotransmitter, releasing dopamine creating that falling in love feeling in the brain," she says, warning that consuming too much can cause a false sense of love.

2. Avocados

If it's a jump-start you need, go with this mean, green, pick-up machine. "Avocados act as a mood booster because they are rich in folic acid, vitamin B6 and potassium. The smooth and creamy texture combined with the rich flavor of avocados has linked this fruit to love as far back as the Aztecs," says Dulan.

3. Strawberries

Planning to give him strawberries (bonus if they're chocolate covered) this Valentine’s Day? Try wearing them instead. "The heart-shaped strawberry was once known as a symbol of Venus, the Roman Goddess of Love. For a time, the ancient Greeks forbade the eating of strawberries and all other red foods, which led many to believe that the mysterious berries held great powers," says Dulan.

4. Baby Carrot

If you live with your guy and typically stock up on co-ed products, you might want to include some that contain carrots. "They are high in beta-carotene and this antioxidant has been found to boost sperm motility, in other words, helping the sperm swim towards an egg," says Dulan.

5. Banana

Is there more to that suggestive shape than meets the eye? According to Dulan, bananas are also best shared with the boys. "They contain an enzyme, bromelain, which may boost testosterone production, [and are] rich in vitamin B6, which is known for building serotonin levels and elevating your mood," she says.

6. Watermelon

While the banana heightens his testosterone, watermelon has his libido covered. "Touted as the lycopene leader of all fruits and vegetables, this powerful antioxidant might have a Viagra-like effect on men’s blood vessels and increase libido," says Dulan.

7. Honey

Should they change the old saying to you get more boys with honey? "Everyone likes something sweet and, with honey, you get the ultimate natural sweetener that makes just about anything taste delicious," says Dulan.

If you're looking for a place to start, it might as well be with chocolate, which Dulan says is probably the food most commonly connected to love and sexuality, with even its scent being enough to boost desire. "Eating chocolate is associated with love and attraction. Some say it is better than sex. Chocolate contains phenylethylamine (PEA), which acts as a neurotransmitter, releasing dopamine creating that falling in love feeling in the brain," she says, warning that consuming too much can cause a false sense of love.