Family

You've heard of the "five-second rule," right? The five-second rule states that if you drop food on the floor, it's OK to eat as long as you pick it up within five seconds.

Some people actually think the five-second rule is a real scientific fact, based on the time it takes germs, which were just stunned by being hit on their little germ skulls by falling food, to regain their senses and attached themselves to that food in the hope of fulfilling their only mission in life: to get inside your stomach and make you sick.

Others of us realize the five-second rule has nothing to do with science, and it's really just an alternate way of announcing to all the other people in the room: "Yeah, I admit it, I'm a pig."

Whether to invoke the five-second rule really depends on the situation. For example, if you have a full box of 50 Dunkin Munchkins in your kitchen, and you drop one on the floor, you'll probably say, "Oops, that one got dirty," and then throw it in the trash. (You know this is a hypothetical situation, because it is impossible to have a full box of 50 Dunkin Munchkins in your kitchen, as scientific studies indicate at least 10 Munchkins will be eaten on the drive home.

And if the drive home takes more than 15 minutes, there's a good chance by the time you pull into the driveway ALL the Munchkins will be gone.)

But on the other hand, if you wake up in the morning and see an empty Munchkin box from the previous day on the kitchen counter, and if as you're about to throw the box in the trash you discover there is one Munchkin left inside, two things happen: first, you feel as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning; and second, if that precious single Munchkin tumbles to the floor and, say, rolls behind the refrigerator, you not only invoke the five-second rule, if need be you invoke the 500-second rule.

And if it takes you a full eight minutes to put on your shoes and go outside and snap a branch off a tree and then come back inside and crawl on your hands and knees next to the refrigerator and use the branch to retrieve the Munchkin, and then finally hold up that luscious little morsel even though by now it has a six-inch dust bunny hanging off one side and some unidentifiable green slime smeared on the other side, you triumphantly declare, "500-second rule!" and pop that baby into your mouth. (I said you do, I didn't say I do. What do you think I am, a pig?)

Anyway, I was thinking about the five-second rule the other day when I saw a report about a new scientific study conducted by researchers at San Diego State University. These researchers concluded that the five-second rule is definitely false, just an "old wives tale." (Or possibly a "middle-age donut junkies tale.")

It turns out germs are able to attached themselves to food in far less than five seconds. Apparently, germs recover more quickly from their falling food concussions than most of us thought. (But I noticed the researchers said nothing about the 500-second rule, so maybe that one is still OK?)

But wait a minute! It turns out this scientific study was funded by Clorox. Ah ha! Once again science is being manipulated by corporate greed. They just want to scare people into buying more of their products. Well, that changes everything! I think we need to do further research. You bring the Munchkins, I'll bring the germs.

Bill Dunn is a freelance writer who resides in Torrington. He can be reached via his website at: www.boomertrek.com.

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