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Letters to Hell - April, 2001
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Contents
========
o Obvious
o Not-So-Obvious
o Getting Soft
o Taking Literally
o Was It Just Me?
o You Left Out One
o The Exact Question
o Not Nearly As Bad As You Paint It
o It's About Time
o Oscar #1
o Oscar #2
o Oscar #3
o The Great Unedited
o On Walking Out #1
o On Walking Out #2
o Pure, Noiseless Bliss
o Someone Who Didn't Walk Out
Obvious
=======
[ From: G ]
> Could you assist with a quiz question? On which novel is
> SCHINDLER'S LIST based?
[ "Schindler's List" ]
Not-So-Obvious
==============
[ From: Doug ]
> Why don't you rate Cary's Crossroads 20 as highly as the Raleigh
> Grande. I thought they were the same?
[ They're not ]
Getting Soft
============
[ From: Lyman ]
[ Re: RECESS THE MOVIE ]
> > Grade: B
>
> I think you're getting soft, Mr. Legeros. I'd almost think you
> liked this movie!
[ Which, of course, never happens... ]
Taking Literally
================
[ From: Simon ]
[ Re: HANNIBAL ]
> > The revenge-seeking sicko-- played sans screen credit by someone
> > famous under gobs of gruesome make-up-- has whatever's left of
> > his fingers in several pies,
>
> Given the film, this made me do several double takes. I actually
> took it literally for a second!
[ Chomp ]
Was It Just Me?
===============
[ From: Miranda in London ]
[ Re: HANNIBAL ]
> One question, when Starling was following Lecter around Union Sta-
> tion at the end, the flashing of the photo booth catches her eye
> and she walks over and opens the curtain to find... the shoes.
> Was it just me who thought a strip of four pics of the doc would
> slowly roll into the slot? Would that have been brilliant or che-
> esy? I can't decide, but I was waiting for it.
[ Same here ]
You Left Out One
================
[ From: Paul ]
[ Re: 101 Memorable Moments in HANNIBAL ]
> > #1 - Psychology as a science
> > ...
> > #101 - "It's always good to try new things..."
>
> Hilarious. One of the better reviews I've read of the movie,
> actually. Although you left out one. #102: Ookey-dokey.
[ Ookey-dokey ]
The Exact Question
==================
[ From: Someone at Berkeley ]
[ Re: 101 Memorable Moments in HANNIBAL ]
> Wow! Pretty detailed list there, Mike. Maybe you can help answer
> this-- what's the exact question that Hannibal asks Clarice when
> she's "stuck" in the refrigerator? Something along the lines of
> "If you loved me, would you stop?"
[ Something like that ]
Not Nearly As Bad As You Paint It
=================================
[ From: ? ]
> > 3000 MILES TO GRACELAND, while possessing both the best movie
> > title of recent years *and* the can't-believe-it casting of Kurt
> > Russell and Kevin Costner as rival, casino-robbing Elvis imper-
> > sonators, is strictly DOAOT. (Dead on arrival on toilet.)
>
> 3000 MILES... is not particularly good, but it is not nearly as
> bad as you paint it, either. In particular, Kurt Russell is ex-
> cellent as the bad guy who is at heart a decent man, and his rela-
> tionship with the little boy-- no idea who played that role-- is
> affectionate and fun to watch.
[ Glad *you* like it ]
It's About Time
===============
[ From: Rich ]
> > 3000 MILES TO GRACELAND, while possessing both the best movie
> > title of recent years *and* the can't-believe-it casting of Kurt
> > Russell and Kevin Costner as rival, casino-robbing Elvis imper-
> > sonators...
> >
> Good. It's about time Costner stopped playing a wimp. I will
> *definitely* go see it based on this recommendation.
[ Hope *you* like it ]
Oscar #1
========
[ From: Kim ]
> > Yawn. With breasts.
> >
> Not even the clothing was interesting! Blech!
Oscar #2
========
[ From: Carrie ]
> Am I just being a critical bitch or is it a joke that GLADIATOR
> won for Actor and Picture??!! Don't get me wrong- it was an en-
> tertaining movie and all... but Best Picture??? Putting it in the
> ranks of *past* winners makes me laugh!
[ Me too. And you are being a critical bitch... ]
Oscar #3
========
[ From: Ellen ]
> Yes, boring night. Funniest part was the zoom in on Jennifer Lo-
> pez's face, fake eyelashes substituting for fans a la Joshephine
> Baker. Sadly, it was a grand dress and deserved to be shown, the
> best there. A fashion bender and tasteful.
[ Titillating, too! ]
The Great Unedited
==================
[ From: Chris ]
> we real love watch movie alots most time, iron will very good
> movie and I just ask you a question ok, do you think can give me
> real picture name will stoneman. and we finish plan go vac at
> south dakota rushmore stay camping and we like you give me how we
> got there where will stoneman family there and where he live can
> you tell me where place and would you send me mail?
[ no ]
On Walking Out #1
=================
[ From: ? ]
[ Re: 3000 MILES TO GRACELAND ]
> > With Howie Long, Christian Slater, Jon Lovitz, Kevin Pollak, and
> > Ice-T. Didn't see those last three, though, 'cause we were gone
> > within five-zero minutes. With refund in hand. (Rated "R"/126
> > min.)
> >
> > Grade: F (extrapolated)
>
> In other words, you left less than halfway through the movie but
> still feel qualified to review it. Amazing.
[ I'll say! ]
On Walking Out #2
=================
[ From: Ned ]
[ Re: JOE GOULD'S SECRET ]
> I just read your review of JOE GOULD'S SECRET and when you men-
> tioned that the film was boring and you left early it was clear to
> me that you probably should be doing something different for your
> life's work than watching movies and putting your thoughts in pub-
> lic for all to read. You should try selling used cars, something
> that wouldn't bore you. I think you should be a little introspec-
> tive to determine the conflict between you and the subject of the
> movie because, after all, it was quite exciting, cleverly crafted
> and executed, and well acted. The only thing boring with the film
> was your review. Only a dullard could write about a film that put
> him to sleep. Should you want to continue to write film reviews
> about something you can understand take a lesson from a pro and
> read Roger Ebert's review of JOE GOULD'S SECRET. He understood
> what was happening in the film before he wrote about it.
[ Will do! ]
Pure Noiseless Bliss
====================
[ From: Michael ]
> Anyway, I saw ARMAGGEDON on TV recently. No, I missed it in thea-
> ters because I had heard about how *loud* it was. I got to your
> review after typing "space dementia" into the Google search field.
> Go figure :-) I agree wholeheartedly with your description of the
> movie as an "agreeable mess". However, you missed the most impor-
> tant (and laughable/ironic) "nit", as you call them. It occurred
> to me, after several minutes of the action, just as it was start-
> ing to get "monotonous"-- that if these lunar scenes were realis
> tic, then not only would they not be so *loud*, they would be
> *completely silent*, because there is no sound without a medium
> (such as an atmosphere). Ha! Remember the outer-space scenes in
> 2001? Pure noiseless bliss.
[ ]
Someone Who Didn't Walk Out
===========================
[ From: Susan in Raleigh ]
> HOUSE OF MIRTH is a beautiful, dead-on film version of Edith Whar-
> ton's tragic novel. Lily Bart, an upper-crust woman (fortunes
> waning, a la Jane Austen), wants to participate in self-determina-
> tion. She wants to be her own woman and make her own choices, but
> the social caste she is in squelches her at every turn.
>
> She does *not* want to enter a loveless marriage just for money,
> as most of her class does. Thus she rejects at least two super-
> wealthy suitors. She loves the poor (relative term--he has to
> work, God forbid, but he is a successful lawyer and owns a beauti-
> ful Manhattan apt) Mr. Selden, Eric Stoltz, who has matured quite
> handsomely. He *claims* to be of a like mind with Lily. He talks
> a good line, but acts on little of it. A common figure in litera-
> ture of the time--the weak male. What he's doing, actually, is
> having an affair with a phenomenally wealthy woman, the uber-
> bitchy Bertha. Evil in gorgeous clothes.
>
> Fascinating, complex, very detailed. This was a time when every
> gesture, every word held great meaning, and when simple gestures,
> misplaced, could cause social ruin. Because she is headstrong and
> wants to make her own way, Lily's society pulls the rug out from
> under her.
>
> Gillian Anderson is wonderful as Lily. Because she ideologically
> rejects her class, tho fears poverty more than death, her re-
> straint in the majority of the story is a force of her will-- to
> continue to smile at her enemies, to pretend to keep her place, to
> subvert what she feels. The final third of the film is an explo-
> sion of emotion, and it is wrenching to see her descend further in
> physical surroundings. She remains true to herself, refusing to
> compromise her honor by accepting help.
>
> As you would expect, the costumes are beautiful beyond descrip-
> tion, and the interiors are over-over-the-top Victorian robber
> baron excess. A beautiful canvas for ugly business, the social
> circle that Edith Wharton was a member of herself. (Edith Wharton
> was in a miserable, loveless marriage to a wealthy peer, so much
> of Lily's 'voice' before the fall is likely EW's.)
>
> It's wonderful, but not a movie for which you leave your brain in
> the car. But then those of you familiar with Edith Wharton al-
> ready know that!
[ Well-said!
Now, if you could just work in the words "sucks," "long sit," or
"__________ ensues"... Good night, everybody! ]