In the interest of full disclosure, and because you'll all need an explanation for my spontaneous death if Eggo ever goes bankrupt, I eat waffles for breakfast literally every day. Even on the day of the SAT in high school when my mom was touting articles about "brain power foods" with a spatula at the ready, I stubbornly persisted with eating my two Strawberry Eggos. They have become so ingrained in the routine of my human life that on mornings when I have run out of them, I will have mini existential crises in front of the freezer before settling on a food that makes little to no sense for breakfast and then being confused and sad for the entire day.

I tell you this because you need to understand that when writing about waffle hacks, I do not write as an ordinary waffle layman. I write as a woman who once rushed so quickly to get my waffles out of the toaster so I wouldn't miss their "butter window" that I almost shanked my older brother with a butter knife. (He understood; it's totally chill, I think.) My passion for waffles is one that rivals Leslie Knope's, and although I am way too in awe of her to ever presume that I love waffles as much as she does, hopefully these hacks will help us all get a little bit closer to her level.