There are actually quite a few ways I’d like to be more like Russell Brand. 1): he’s written a really funny book. About himself. I want to write a funny book and, like Russell, the subject I’m most interested in is myself. 2) He’s got a lucrative stand up comedy career. I want one of those. 3) He’s engaged to Katy Perry. I don’t particularly want to be engaged to Katy Perry, but I do slightly want to be her, too. In my (slightly diseased) mind, I’m what would happen if a geneticist fused them together. Or if they’d had a child together 27 years ago.

Anyway: I’m not very like Russell Brand in daily life. I haven’t had sex with very many people. My hair is a lot shorter than his. I’m not a man. I’ve never introduced my drug dealer to Kylie Minogue. Etc etc. But a girl can dream.

My February resolution is to write in this blog every day and to become a little bit more like Russell in the process. Whenever something rubbish happens, I’ll think ‘what would Russell do?’ Rubbish stuff happens to him all the time! And it’s mostly his fault! But he’s managed to make himself rich and famous by being slightly disastrous in a comic fashion! He’s my hero.