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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Fish-eating drunks

A co-worker of mine (who lives in North Carolina) today mistakenly referred to Minnesotans as "cheese-eating drunks." "No, you're thinking of Wisconsin," I said. "We're fish-eating drunks."And then I started to envision a large map, with each state classified by what type of drunk they are:NORTH CAROLINA -- Pork-eating drunksTEXAS -- Barbecue-eating drunksMASSACHUSETTS -- Chowder-eating drunksUTAH -- There are no drunks

Note to the makers of Swiss Miss pudding: I am a big fan of your product, but I find your packaging vexing. Every time I try to tear off the top part, it comes off in pieces. Then it gets all messy. Please fix your pudding lids so that they come off all in one piece. Thank you.

I found out Tuesday that my longtime friend Beth has a blog. I've known her for more than a decade, when the two of us were functionaries for a subsidiary of the evil empire. When I got bored in my role as the guy who hangs out in the freezer-cooler all day listening to ska music and doing his best to avoid talking to any customers, I would pick up a ham and go find Beth. She was usually doing some foolish thing like helping customers and making their day better. I would stand there patiently until the customer left, then I would extend the ham to her and sing "Hold My Ham," to the tune of the Hootie and the Blowfish hit "Hold My Hand." I would sing to her until she held my ham.

6 comments:

Also checked how old I was, 281 months apparently. Plus, I'm an Elm - the noble mindedness. I've also taken the liberty of inventing my birth tipple, which is straight triple vodka - clear (good communication), strong (...minded, stubborn), easy to get rid of but will probably turn up again later in the evening (hmmm..)

That site also told me who I am:"Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises."

I wonder if there really is something to this whole horoscope thing, or if we just become Taureans (in my case) based on the expectations of our horoscope. Strangely accurate though. Except for all the bad stuff.

I'm so glad that you finally chose to reveal our pork-related history to the world at large...I was getting an itch to post a comment on your blog about it! I didn't realize that we've known each other a decade now...that's scary!

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Who's writing this?

Hola. I'm Chris Cope, author of the books The Way Forward and Cwrw am Ddim. I'm originally from Austin, Texas, but through a series of terrible and wonderful events called "life," I now reside in Her Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland -- specifically the bit that is Penarth, Wales. Occasionally I write things.