August 18, 2009

HOLDING HIS HAND

It seems fitting that my head is a cloudy fog of mist. Of images, words, sadness, touches. Of a day shared with some beautiful people. Of the dignity and grace with which we helped someone we all loved deeply, go. We are left stunned and shattered at the force with which death crashed finally upon us late on Sunday afternoon, and the realness of his process. It was, as someone very close said - a real death. I cannot trully say it was peaceful. It certainly was not calm for him, despite our efforts to make it so. It was frought. And heartbreaking. And at times horrific. For my husband's brother, though, it is over, and for that we are thankful. Far too soon. But it is over.

We have spent the last 10 weeks caring and travelling with this cancer. We have dropped our lives to be with Paul. Plans made and broken simultaneously, days lived on edge, constantly trying to review where we were in the process, and days spent in vigil with him over the last week so someone close was with him to relieve the anxiety and the fear, have left us exhausted and drained. Misty. And foggy. A fog we would not change for anything - that time has been precious and intimate and I am so priviledged to have been there to the end.

I am so sorry for your loss. I also recently lost a loved one to cancer.
Paul was lucky to have had such wonderful people by his side. I'm sure that your love and efforts made a big difference to his life.
May the fog clear and the sun shine through in your life, in good time.

yes, a rare and unique privilege at a most vulnerable and precarious time. the best gift you could give him at the time. i hope you can continue to draw strength from each other as the waves of grief ebb and flow.
my thoughts and love for you all.
xx