Buscar este blog

When You Feel Excluded (Day 150)

A couple of minutes ago I got a message on the Whatsapp group my band and I have. The message said “Guys, we will continue
playing after not playing for a while”.

Since I am working in a different city, I noticed a
reaction within myself; “Do they plan to leave me aside or something?”.

I asked “Really? new members?”. And I was told that a
guy that I know will be playing the bass in the band.

A backchat that I had was “Does X think he owns the
band that he can make adjustments without first asking the whole band?”. Then I
went “But, I am living in a different city. If the guys want to play, they
should do it. I wonder who the new singer will be”.

I also noticed that I felt ‘excluded’, kind of Making things Personal. I even thought that they didn’t want to play with me and that
now is the perfect moment to start a ‘new band’ without me. Then, all the
self-judgments projection “I don’t sing well, if I am in a different city I am
an obstacle for them right now”.

I remember that our last gig was in last April and
after that, we had the chance to play in other places, but the band was kind of
asleep; with no real motivation if you will.

I have now just asked in the Whatsapp group “I have a
doubt; am I being considered within this ‘new process’ for the band or should I
assume that I am out because I am in a different city?”

One of the guys said “Yes, you are considered. We are
still playing”. So I explained my current situation; I told the guys that I will be working here until December, then come back, and after that don’t know yet whether I will continue working
here or not, but that I've liked the city so far and that everything will depend on how things
unfold in the months to come.

I realize now, that I was assuming that I was out of
the band and that created the whole reaction within myself, where I felt
excluded, without realizing that I myself was excluding myself by going into my
mind and charging that emotional experience with more thoughts and backchats.

So, what I had to do was just ask straight forward and
clarify my doubts instead of remaining within my mind and going into a Quantum Spiralling where I lose control; meaning, going more and more into the mind
alternate reality.

I remember that I have always been the type of person
that don’t ask questions, the person that remains in this misconception of the
word ‘reserved’, the person that keeps the doubts and then during the walk
clarifies them. But I realize that it’s up to me to change that
self-definition. Plus, it does not support me at all. What it does support me
is to bring my self-awareness back here as my physical body and start
participating within this physical reality that allows me to create and be the
creator of my own life expression.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to take it personally when X said that the band will start playing shows
again after being out of track, because I immediately thought that I was being
left out and that the message was an attempt to let me know that they were
kicking me out of the band.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to go into an emotional experience where after the thought “Do they plan
to leave me aside or something?”, I felt excluded, without realizing that I was
myself contributing to that experience, because I was suddenly shifted into my
mind through thoughts, projections and the activation of many characters that
were an obstacle for me to see with physical eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to while being shifted into my mind, go into mind scenarios where
through my imagination, I was Blaming the guys for doing me such ‘evil’ thing
to me, where I realize my self-victimization character was activated, that’s
why I started blaming within my mind instead of taking self-responsibility for
what was going on through stopping myself and breathing in order to ‘wake up’
from that mind state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to while being in the self-victimization character use phrases such as “I
bought a cool guitar, an awesome amp and this is how they will pay me?. They
are not placing themselves in my shoes”, without realizing that in that moment
I was taking for granted that what I thought was completely and absolutely
accurate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to believe that what I think is real, without realizing that all that
emerged within my mind in that moment was personalities, projections,
backchats, self-judgments, misinterpretations, etc, where I unconsciously
forgot where is me among all those mind systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to approach this event as “This is also my band”, where I noticed myself
referring to the band as though it was something that I possess, that I own,
that it’s mine - and thus, I reacted with Jealousy for them being able to
continue playing while I am miles away in a different city without being able
to play as them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to think, believe and perceive that X is evil within themselves and that
they enjoyed not being clear about the message in the Whatsapp group at first
in order to deliberately make me go into the emotional experience, without
realizing that it's impossible for any external factor to affect my inner
experiences, because I am the one who accepts and allows self to whether go into
the mind or bring myself back here to this physical reality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed
myself to be blinded by emotional reactions and all the patterns that activate
within myself when feeling ‘rejected’, where I am not able to bring myself back
here and instead, assume that what my mind is telling me is real, without
realizing that what goes on within my mind is mere programming where I have
learned how to feel or how to react when certain events take place in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to not realize that my reaction to the word ‘excluded’ automatically
activates a pattern of going into self-victimization, self-pity, blaming and
jealousy, without realizing that I can stop the pattern through immediately
taking a deep in breath and an out breath in order to release myself from the energetic
experience and become grounded and thus, being able to assist and support
myself when communicating with other individuals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to have perpetuated the misconception of the word ‘reserved’ where
instead of being reserved in a supportive way, I have lived it as a synonym of
keeping thoughts, emotions, feelings, doubts and questions to myself instead of
assessing them within myself first and then speak them up in order to
understand each other, in order for everyone involved within the conversation
to be on the same page.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to have lived the word
‘reserved’ as a synonym of the word ‘excluded’, because instead of assisting
and supporting myself while being in an energetic experience, I am shifted into
the mind system and I myself exclude myself, without realizing that if I do not
assess myself and then speak up, everyone else might think that everything is
fine, therefore, I might actually end up being excluded, but that being created
by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to when feeling excluded go into blaming instead of taking
self-responsibility through acknowledging that I am creating my own experience
and that everyone else is not to blame, because of course they can become more
effective within communication in case I have doubts, but in order to
contribute, I have to first assess myself and thus, being able to provide a
feedback that can assist and support everyone involved within the conversation as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to experience fear and self-judgment when I have a doubt and I want to
ask, because I think and believe that people will think that my question is
stupid, without seeing, realizing and understanding that “asKING is the King of
all QUESTions in the Quest that is Life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to not question, because it is easier to remain ignorant instead of
becoming aware and taking self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to have preferred to remain in doubt as energetic experiences instead of
taking self-responsibility for what I am creating within my mind from internal
conversations to living words without awareness as a detrimental outcome for me
and everyone, which I could have changed if I had stopped my mind before going
into the perpetuation of patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to not realize that my ‘stupid questions’ can become very supportive for me and for others, because we can realize how to become more effective in the way we express ourselves when we communicate; for instance, in becoming more
specific.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself feeling excluded, I stop and
breathe. I realize that there is a pattern existing within myself where I take
things personally and then, I end up feeding my mind with thoughts, backchats,
feelings, emotions, projections, self-victimization, self-pity, and blaming,
therefore, the one who is responsible for the emotional experience is me and not
them.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I feel
excluded in order to bring myself back here and see reality through physical
eyes instead of the mind’s eye and thus, be able to contribute with solutions
instead of embodying the word ‘reserved’ in a way that does not support me, nor everyone else.

When and as I see myself going into “This is also
mine. I own it” when feeling excluded, I stop and breathe. I realize that such
statements are being created by me through the mind after accepting and
allowing myself to feel ‘diminished’ through how I perceive reality through my
thoughts by believing what I think, without realizing that my thoughts are
programmed/conditioned and in no way will be accurate in terms of supporting
life as the physical as what’s best for all, therefore, if I am to use such
phrases it’s because I am trying to compensate the inferiority that was
previously activated within myself in an attempt to be switched to the other
side of the polarity equation (superiority).

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I want to go
“This is mine. I own it too” so as to become more aware of myself and assess the way I am
expressing myself, so I can transform that experience into something of support
for everyone; starting with myself first through taking self-responsibility for my own mind consciousness system.

When and as I see myself embodying the word ‘reserved’
as this individual who does not say a word, who pretends everything’s fine when
it’s actually not, I stop and breathe. I realize that this embodiment does not
support me to become the best version of me, because the only thing I end up
creating is a ‘wrong’ perception, which starts from myself first towards my external world, and then,
simultaneously through the way everyone involved will perceive themselves and
me within the conversation.

I commit myself to explore the word ‘reserved’ in
order to define it, re-define it, and then, live it in a way that supports
me as well as everyone else that is part of the conversation when it comes to communication within groups.

When and as I see myself going into an emotional
experience when I am in a conversation and I have doubts/questions, I stop and
breathe. I realize that what I am doing is perpetuating a pattern that was
created within myself since I was in school, where I feared asking questions,
because I thought “It does not matter if I ask, because I won’t understand
either” or “My question is not important, they will be able to do it without me
anyways” or “I will figure it out later”, where besides going into
self-judgment, I went into procrastination by thinking and believing that my
answers will someday magically be answered, instead of immediately taking
self-responsibility and becoming self-directive in real time, stand up and ask.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I start going
into an emotional experience when having doubts/questions within communication,
so as to assess the myself/the situation and then, assist and support myself through
releasing all the energy through breathing, and once being clear within myself, just ask, while at
the same time making sure I am expressing myself in specificity and being as clear as possible.