This
website exists because I have had some remarkable mental experiences in
the last few years. These experiences gave me a palpable realization of
the bleakness of existence. They were short periods of escape from the
envelope of circumstances, all circumstances. Each lasting less than a
second, perhaps. None consciously induced. None resulting from any
participation in organized religion or pursuit of the nebulous
"spirituality" thing. All probably resulting from years of trying to
come to terms with the fact that I can understand nothing. Most
occurred
at the boundary between sleep and wakefulness. One occurred while I was
awake.

After such experiences, one acquires a degree of control over one's
sanity. Relinquishing sanity starts to look like an available choice.

The enigma of existence ceases to be a mere conundrum; it turns into
the fabric of life. You stop puzzling over the question and start
living
it. These words are not for rhetorical effect.

Life changes. Into nothing. But it also becomes immensely thrilling; at
any moment you can feel prodigious drama simply by remembering that you
exist.

This altered state of existence fed into my dreams. I had some
indescribably unnatural dreams—truly beyond any sensory experience one
might ordinarily expect even in the most fantastic of dreams.

I have described all these experiences in the section called "The
Experiences."
They
haven't happened in a long time. But I permanently breathe bewilderment; I only have
to
pause for a moment in my daily activities to get in touch with the raw
state of existence, defined
totally by the wrenching knowledge that I am and there is nothing to
know.

I made this website primarily because I am puzzled that people can
discuss metaphysics as if it is a curiosity or something to be studied.
I am puzzled by the large number of patently useless words expended on
the
question of existence, expended without engaging or stimulating the
real, raw,
exceedingly troublesome sensation of existing.
The way I experience it,
you cannot say "metaphysics" without starting a struggle to retain your
sanity and some reasons for living. This website is intended to convey
an idea of the conclusive state of mind I have arrived at after years
of
naivete—I am. In bewilderment.

That's as much as words can do to convey my meaning.

There are three reasons I don't care if I'm repeating what has been
said before.

First, I want to document and share my personal journey of development,
the new state of mind acquired at the end of it and
the profound mental sensations experienced along the way.

Second, by going through this journey internally, I have realized I
have nothing
to learn from external sources.
This is a tranquil realization devoid of conceit.

Third, it seems to me that people are very wordy on the subject of
existence
(though this belief must be viewed against the following background: I
have consciously avoided reading much on this subject so as not to
contaminate my personal process of discovery).
I can sympathize with the view that this formidable mystery must be
tackled
with a phalanx of words, but that view is not right.
The section of this website called "Everything" contains everything
that can be said.
Further embellishment by addition of structure, hypotheses or reasoning
is plain wrong.

There is nothing to rationalize and a lot
to feel. My message, in a nutshell, is what to feel: stop living and
start existing.

0.5 The Experiences

Shedding the cloak of circumstances.
This is the main experience. It happens at the instant when I wake up
from sleep. For a split-second, I have no identity or memory, my
thoughts are not against the usual background of my years of existence.
Instead of a background of a lifetime worth of circumstances, I have a
background of nothing. But I am awake. I can reason. I know I am. I get
a strong "feeling-knowledge" that this is all. It is indescribably
strange, quite scary. The experience usually ends here; my
circumstances catch up with my naked roaming mind and drape it again.
On rare occasions, the experience goes further—I am actually able to
think a short chain of thoughts in this brief time. The first thought
is always as described above. The next thought is the last, but it is a
reaction to the first
thought. I would characterize this second thought as acceptance of and
sinking into the idea of the first thought—"This is it."

I have had this experience perhaps a dozen-or-so times, all in the last
few years. I had just woken up on each these occasions, but there was
one separate occasion when I had the experience even though I hadn't
just woken up.

These things don't happen to me anymore. Haven't happened in a while,
rather.

You may feel that this is the normal state of disorientation most
everyone experiences once in a while after waking up. I feel I felt
something beyond that.

Remembering I exist. What does happen to me all the time.
If I take my mind off the mundane activity of the moment and remember
that stuff exists, thrill arises

There you go. As you can see, this cannot be done without going cuckoo.
I thought I'd put together a coherent description, so I put myself in
the state, and the above is what I spat out. This state of mind is not
the same as the uncloaked-by-circumstances state I described above. I
keep the cloak here, but I also realize I'm wearing it.

Barren dreams. Once the waking-up experiences and the
remembering-I-exist experiences became a part of me, I had similar
experiences in my dreams. These were the "barren" dreams, where I got
an acute and troubling sense of nothingness, against some dreadful
backdrop such as a lunar rockscape or outer space. These are the least
exciting of the strange dreams I've had.

Explosive dreams. Without a doubt, this is the most
spectacular thing I have ever experienced. It is a type of dream (that
I've had perhaps thrice) in which the main sensation is that of turning
into energy. Now, I say "sensation" here, because I actually feel it in a very non-dreamy way.
This is less a dream and more a waking state of euphoria. This is why
it is completely different from any other dream I have dreamt. Any
description of this dream is necessarily crude, but I'll try my best.
The sensation comes out of nowhere; it is not the consequence of
anything in the plot of what I dream before it. I imagine, no I
actually feel I am a burst of
energy, am separating into my constituent atoms, atoms are dispersing
at great speed, I can see every one of them individually, there are so
many atoms this process will never end, I am this explosion of atoms, I'm
surely a blaze by now, I am moving at great speed in no discernible
direction, immense happiness, feeling of universality, completeness and
sublime achievement, immense happiness, the pinnacle of happiness,
release of energy, I am energy. This experience lasts a few seconds and
is so strong that it wakes me up, ending the dream but leaving me
sensationally excited.

Once, however, I actually came half-awake in the middle of this dream,
without interrupting the dream! I lay in bed, practically awake, aware
that I was "dreaming" this stupendous dream. Unfortunately that didn't
last more than a few seconds either. It was absolute euphoria, though.

I don't assign any meaning or significance to this dream. Why the
chemicals suddenly fired in my brain in this way I don't know, but the
dream is relevant here, because of the way I felt and because I believe
it arose out of the general state of mind I had developed due to a
concentration of the thoughts I have described above.

Other strange dreams. (For completeness.) During the
period when I was going through all these experiences and dreams, I had
other strange dreams that I don't consider strictly relevant to the
content of this website. I can send descriptions if you'd like to
compare notes.

1 Everything

"Meaning
of existence" is an empty concept. Like, say, "square root of a snake."
Or.

The word "God," when used properly, is a short form of "meaning of
existence."

Saying "Perhaps it is possible to know the meaning of existence" is a
little like saying "Perhaps it is possible to find the square root of a
snake," or "Perhaps it is possible or day perhaps, in a pickle," or.
A similarly void, useless statement is "There is no meaning to
existence."
There is no talking about the square root of a snake and there is no
talking about the meaning of existence.

Books on metaphysics are useless. This is because they are books. They
believe there is a lot to say. A book gives people the impression that
there is much to understand, structure and relationships to learn
about.
There is nothing to understand in metaphysics. All that is, is. Think
no
more, and you will not need to write books on what is and what is not.

There is absolutely nothing
more to be said on the subject of "the meaning of existence." No
further
clarification is possible. There will never be answers, because there
is
no question.

If your mind is not in a mad state of frenzy now, you do not understand
me. The idea here is not an academic viewpoint. It is an idea to sit
and
be frightened of. This is metaphysics and spirituality in their
entirety.

2 Everything Else

This section is not essential to my message.
It has a set of loosely related writings whose number will grow over
time.
Some of them will be concerned with the
practical necessity of continuing to live.
Life is a bodily function.