acting out stirs up sediment, so we can actually begin to, after the fact, look more closely at our reactions," she says. But Judith Hanson Lasater—yoga teacher and co-author of the upcoming What We Say Matters, which she wrote with

her husband, Ike Lasater—emphasizes the virtue of silence, because, like everything else in life, feelings can be

impermanent. The more you can practice what she calls "the sacred pause," the better. "The asanas and the other practices

create a self-reflective habit, so that when something arises, you don't react immediately. Applied to relationships, I

call it the Marriage Mudra: Open your teeth, insert your tongue, and bite firmly," she says, laughing. The self-observation

skills you've cultivated through asana and meditation can enable you to watch your thoughts without getting attached to

them or making them feel more concrete by voicing them. "Sometimes it's best to just not say anything7mdash;not out of

resentment, but out of choice," Lasater says. "Because you know it's going to pass."

Commit to Connection

It's no secret that relationships require work, but, as in yoga, you can find a happy balance between effort and ease when

you apply your awareness. "A lot of people feel like, 'If you loved me, we wouldn't have to work at this,'" Feldman says,

but he thinks that's an unrealistic attitude. The trick,when it feels like too much effort, is to find more ease. To help couples with this, Feldman and his wife help their clients discover "love rituals"—small gestures practiced up to three times a day for two to three minutes at a time—so they can reconnect with the partner as a source of pleasure rather than pain. One couple they counseled had virtually stopped having sex. The Feldmans asked them each to name one nice thing they'd like every day from the other. The idea was for each partner to acknowledge and grant the other's request.

The man wanted a hug with eye contact and a phrase like "I love you" when he left in the morning and came back at night. As

a harried working mom, the woman requested that her husband help pick up around the house for a few minutes a couple of

times a day. They put these "rituals" into action for six months. When the Feldmans saw them next, the couple reported that

they were intimate again. "We were kind of dumbfounded; they seemed like such small things," Feldman says. But they

mattered because these things say, 'I care about you.'" And sometimes, in addition to a laborious struggle to resolve big

issues, these relatively ease-filled moments rebuild the foundation of a crumbling relationship.

Such rituals can build up reserves of love, in the same way yogic practices refill your stores of compassion and gratitude.

"When you meditate for five minutes a day, you build up your peace bank account. When you do love rituals as a couple, you

build up your connection bank account, your love account." So small rituals can help prevent blowups. "Most people are

working with a deficit of feelings of love, generosity, and connection with their partner," says Feldman. "So when a new

situation comes around, they have nothing to draw on. If you're regularly meditating and building that up, even if it's

little by little, you can draw on that and it's actually a huge prevention."

Most of us are reassured knowing that it might not take hours of talking, listening, and sharing to keep a relationship

vital and fun—at least not all the time. "If you create connection, you'll need less process," Feldman says. "You start to see the other as a source of pleasure rather than frustration, and as someone on your side rather than someone you have to fight against."

Start with Yourself

Yoga helps you communicate with your partner and connect more deeply, but it's equally important that yoga brings you into

a deep relationship with yourself. "Because the practices help you to be fully present in your body," says Alejandra

Siroka, "it's so much easier to be fully present with your partner through whatever is coming up in the moment." Her

husband, Matthew, concurs: "When you're able to recognize and be loving and compassionate toward yourself—which the

practice helps you do—you're able to recognize the essential humanity and connectedness with other people."

Alejandra says that when she and Matthew have that momentary "I see you" exchange on their yoga mats, it reminds her of

when they decided to open their hearts to each other. "I reconnect to that moment," she says. "We glance at each other and

have a little smile. And the little smile is mostly in my heart, saying 'Wow, this is you, and I really want to keep

opening my heart to you.'"

This kind of heart opening and love can flow from the couple to the world. "The special love you have for your mate starts

to spread out all over the place, and your self-centeredness decreases a little," says Riley, the Chicago artist. "The need

for that mate is lessened, but the love is stronger." Kramer emphasizes that the process of intimate relating can also

tether us more deeply to the Divine, to our core, and to each other. "It's out of that connection that we move," Kramer

says, "that we change each other, that we become more aware of who we are in the stream of things."