50 Shades and More

I Thought About Death Again

I thought about Death again today,
Of all my bad habits,
This has got to be the worst.
Running to Death for comfort
Was a vice I wish I could stop.
A decade ago, almost dying from bruises,
I felt hope in the thought of not living.
A blade seduced, blood induced,
Physical pain overtook the emotional one,
Until I was numb. I lived on.
I fought the urge die, and willed to go beyond the pain.

I thought about jumping off a building today,
But I didn’t want to be an inconvenience
Or another faceless corpse for clickbait articles.
The pavement seems hot and it would burn me
If my mangled body were to grace its surface.
But it was too risky and I hated risk.
The chance of living was too high.
If I somehow failed to literally drop dead,
I’d be paralyzed for the rest of my life.
I fought the urge to jump, and willed to go beyond the pain.

I thought about getting run over,
Ten-wheeler trucks or overspeeding buses,
Frequent our busy highways in the afternoons.
If I accidentally trip and fall into the road,
They’d be too busy to notice.
Would I fall head-first? Or will my reflexes work?
Will my skull shatter instantly
Or will I suffer, slowly begging for release?
If I somehow fail to get killed by the accident,
I wouldn’t be able to do the things I loved anymore.
I fought the urge to get run over, and willed go beyond the pain.

I thought about Death again today,
but then I thought about Life.
I loved the idea of ending it all..
But I look forward to all the moments,
Events and conversations I am yet to have.
Death may be my comfort and first love,
But Life has always given me gifts,
And when I release my pain and cry it out,
Or talk about it to someone who cares,
I see beauty in the world and hope, no matter how fleeting.
I fight the urge to die, and will to go beyond the pain.