Everton v Sunderland Preview

Except I didn’t really, I think instead I dreamed of a big striped lizard when drifting off and suffered a massive hypnic jerk, but it was OK because I don’t think anyone seen it. Maybe a little like pretending no one seeing you rushing up some stairs with a big fuck off cheesy smile on your face while off to manage Man Utd only to get fired a few months later after a defeat at Goodison while trying to catch up to Everton above you in the league.

Imagine that?

Not that there’s much Moyes bashing to come in this preview, on the contrary I’m not that arsed but I vowed to start this week’s preview with whatever song was rolling my head today and that – rather pitifully – happened to be Madonna.

So last game out we drew away to Middlesbrough and that seems like absolute beards ago but we are missing the odd weekend because we shit it in the cup to a team that’s not scored a goal in the league during 2017 but managed to dick us at Goodison.

Anyway the Boro result wasn’t met with too much enthusiasm but the fact remains we are eight games unbeaten, accruing points and looking like there’s something good brewing around the occasionally ace ship Everton.

Continuing the northeast theme this week it’s a visit from Sunderland to a spruced up Goodison Park which in figurative terms is not unlike an arl fella splashing on far too much Joop before heading out to the Punch & Judy for a Tuesday afternoon session with his one remaining undead friend.

A confession first. From the very few people that are unfortunate to read these previews the feedback is always more positive when I ramp up the partisanship and comment on just how scruffy the opposition fans are and how the place they’re from is a veritable shit tip.

Whilst Sunderland may be a veritable shit tip I have a sort of mental block on ripping into them as they’re a rare breed of English football club being full of reasonable fans who don’t make me want to devour my own eyeballs and ear drums to prevent the sensory molestation they bring via the medium of “banter”. In fact, fuck it, Sunderland are sound. They’re that beautiful goldilocks pocket of parochial working class fans with a fatalistic humour based on their club utter mind fucking them for vast amounts of time. Far worse pain than Everton have ever inflicted on you or I, which may be hard to fathom. The result is a decent set of lids. Not all of them of course, but many. A larger % than pretty much everyone else dwelling in the hyper cunt-capitalist league we play in.

They’re managed by David Moyes now. Which before it happened sounded like a perfect fit as you’d think he could stablise them and get them competitive which would delight Sunderland not having to sweat yet another relegation battle. Hell, he’d even have a moan every now and then about the limited resources without selling out his chairman completely and gain some kudos for mucking in, and everyone would live happily ever after. He wouldn’t get a statue like Bob Stokoe outside the ground but he’d certainly get a hearty round of applause when he passes away peacefully at some point esplendid in a double buttoned cardigan. A good man they said, a man of the working people others said. Good for the club he was and maybe even a teary eye or two amongst the onlooking Phil Neville and heavily botoxed Tim Cahill looking on from the executive boxes. I’ve genuinely no fucking idea why I’m talking about David Moyes’ demise and send off here. I’ll move on.

In fact fuck him. Fuck him and his perpetual expression like a 7 piece mariachi interrupted his Sunday morning shite. Fuck him lowballing Baines and Fellaini and patronising Everton in the process. Fuck him springing up those steps to confirm himself as United manager after months of stringing Everton along. Fuck him for bringing Hibbert on against Spurs. Fuck him for playing a Lancashire League strength side at Anfield and Gerrard scoring a fucking hat trick. But mostly fuck him for not winning Everton a trophy in eleven years of management and thinking that’s OK.

Football is an unforgiving sport and I probably don’t mean much of the above as history will paint him as the right manager at the right time and certainly someone who saved us from impending doom. How boss was summer 2005? Until August. Truth is I don’t reckon anyone’s particularly arsed anymore and Goodison is apathetic at the best of times so I’m sure he’ll get warm claps and some scattered boos and he probably gives a fuck as much as you or I do, so why are we even talking about it?

When they do find water on these seven planets 39 light years away from Earth I reckon they’ll turn up to an alternate world where that Ferguson goal in Spain counted, Saha scored 2 more at Wembley, Coleman didn’t dive in over on the right and Andy Carroll was subbed soon after but a fighting fit Drenthe rammed in a 40 yarder in injury time. Would have, could have, should have. That’s not just a Moyes problem to perennial scorn him with though, it’s been too long an Everton problem so it’s unfair to hold that against Moyes too acutely. And more importantly I hope it’s something eradicated soon with seeming winners such as Koeman and Moshiri in amongst us.

Nice one Moyes, but you won nothing so ask Gordon Lee what you can expect 30 years from now. If you swerve double breasted cardigans perhaps. What’s that Sam? *looks in mirror*

Enough of the shite tangents. Here’s a list of Sunderland players who may or may not play on Saturday (if I could be arsed to check their team news):

Anichebe – wonder if he still pounds the turf with his fist whilst gulping air like a fish out of water being tumbled over by a five foot full back and the ref won’t give him a free kick?

Defoe – gap toothed bling pixie, I’ve used that before but he’s done nothing to change my mind. Still a great scorer of goals.

Pienaar – same as Defoe above, bass voiced ace playmaking Christian, finished years ago though as Sunderland are finding out. I often miss him and Baines playing out left together on weekends.

Gibson – shame what happened to him as he was a very good midfielder but then got injured, lost all his hair and started deflecting cyclists on eight pints of Guinness.

N’Dong – if he wore mascara he’d possibly be stalked by a heavily French accented amorous skunk, right until the point the rain washed his peroxide out.

Larsson – takes great free kicks but does fuck all else. Like that lad the British hockey team used to bring on to take penalties as he was shite at hockey but boss at shooty. Fucking hell, shooty. When was the last time you played shooty? Or shoot out if you’re a wool.

Oviedo – how can anyone not wish him to do well?

O’Shea – when he closes his eyes he’s looking over and elegantly moving the defensive line out with Rio Ferdinand in the Champions League then he opens his eyes and some shitehawk Sunderland defender is 10 metres behind him playing on 3 strikers who are now rounding his keeper.

Kone – we wanted to sign him, did anyone decide if he’s any good or not?

Lukaku there, scoring loads of goals for Everton then tweeting admiration for the Champions League and making Lower Gwladys heads fall off. Fuck knows, boss seeing him most weeks in royal blue though. Barkley will probably be up there and we’ll only make a passing comment about him lest we incur some weird shit happening like a watched pan never boils. A celebrated Barkley never delivers. Booo. TERN ROSS. Maybe Lookman up there too or probably Mirallas as Lookman is a great option off the bench when Defoe twats in their breakaway second on 67 minutes. Should have played him earlier Ronald lad. Or maybe we will play with the borrowed Enner Valencia who slapped 2 in against some shit Chinese side in a sandstorm.

Got a good feeling about this Schneiderlin so he’ll probably start and with Koeman citing Gueye’s great response in training after him moaning about him being shite away to Boro you can probably safely assume he’ll start too. Davies or McCarthy or Barry in there somewhere also.

Not sure with the defence as central defence is the one area we’ve struggled with this season so it depends on what Koeman – with his face like a 20 tog morning duvet – fancies against any particular opposition. Coleman will play right, the ever improving Robles will continue in goal and the last Everton mention is saved for Leighton Baines who plays his 300th game for the club. When I sit down and think about it I don’t think I’ve truly liked an Everton player as much as him for the past 30 years and yet probably not shown as much appreciation as he deserves. What a fucking left back though.