All posts by: Nick Beckius

Yesterday, former Nebraska Cornhuskers football coach Bo Pelini was paid approximately $1,391.79 while moving his bowels in a peristaltic fashion following a hearty midday meal, which, according to your parents, is roughly the same amount they pay every month for the privilege of living out their remaining years in a sturdy, heated middle-class domicile. “It’s […] Read more

It’s not that I think you’re a bad person. You’ve done nothing to give me that impression. But my dog doesn’t like you, so we can’t be friends. If you’re alive in 2016, you’ve undoubtedly seen a certain sentimental meme floating around Facebook along the lines of “I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, […] Read more

Seated atop a creaky swivel chair surrounded by discarded Hot Pocket crisping sleeves and dog-eared back issues of Maxim, local man Kevin Lindschmidt, 26, glumly resolved that he’d spend yet another year of his colorless, unexciting, rapidly passing life feeling endlessly sorry for himself in his drab studio apartment and not doing anything to improve […] Read more

According to a leaked CIA internal memo, there’s only one thing that the middle-eastern terrorist group known as ISIS fears more than Allah’s disapproval– lower-middle-class, AM-radio-listening, outspokenly patriotic white men who pose with weapons in their Facebook photos. The memo detailed how ISIS is, as one senior analyst described, “shaken to their core” by what […] Read more

Sucking petulantly at a spoonful of greasy noodles from an MRE package purchased a decade ago in apprehensive expectation of worldwide economic collapse, local conspiracy theorist Eugene Dawson, 27, pictured, was emotionally devastated to learn this past Wednesday that the United States government has absolutely no interest in keeping tabs on him and his activities. […] Read more

This past Saturday, Alyssa Hopkins, 28, and her date, Derek Townsend, 31, got together for drinks at O’Flanagan’s, a cozy neighborhood Irish pub, after meeting the previous week at the gym. Hopkins reportedly started off the evening’s conversation with the story of how she was born five months premature with a severe case of neonatal […] Read more

As routine mass shootings and violence become another part of the grim background music in a trauma-weary, post-recession nation still struggling to organize its scatterbrained, Paxil-permeated thoughts about the inevitable blowback that occurs in a declining consumer culture deeply rooted in instant gratification, overnight celebrity status and adoration of firearms, no clear solution exists. However, […] Read more

Groaning loudly and angrily closing her laptop in disgust, local phlebotomist Audrey Ellis, 26, experienced a rush of rising anger yesterday afternoon after reading one of her douchebag brother-in-­law’s latest political rants on Facebook. “I know he writes these ridiculous things just to get attention,” Ellis told reporters. “But the sad thing is, I think he […] Read more

With guarantees of round-the-clock press coverage and their insatiable appetite for violence-driven news stories, media outlets in America continue to participate in a tenuous but symbiotic relationship with the nation’s unhinged angry gunmen and their collective longing for attention. Recently, a new public relations firm has emerged with the explicitly-stated purpose of helping bridge the […] Read more

Spattered in blood, clutching a lead pipe with trembling hands and smelling strongly of Jack Daniel’s and exasperation, Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts was discovered standing over the broken bodies of two downtown patrons this past Saturday night, according to the Lincoln Police Department. In response to the legislature abolishing the death penalty this past May, […] Read more