KISS NB wins provincial election in startling upset

New Brunswick — In a shocking turn of events, Gerald Bourque and the KISS NB party have won the New Brunswick provincial election.

This result surprised everybody as KISS NB, or “Keep It Simple Solutions, New Brunswick,” were hovering around 0.5 per cent in the polls heading into today’s election. Experts are scrambling to determine what caused this sudden shift in popularity.

KISS NB won all nine ridings in which they had candidates running, and are in line to form a minority government. The Liberals, Conservatives and People’s Alliance each won eight seats, the Green Party took seven seats, the NDP picked up six seats and three independents were elected.

The other parties would not commit to forming a coalition government.

“Those third parties split the vote; if they had stayed out of things then the people would have the Conservative government they desperately need!” exclaimed an upset Blaine Higgs. “I’m not about to work with any other parties to provide a watered-down version of what we came to offer.”

Brian Gallant was also quick to brush aside the possibility of a coalition government.

“Sure, we could join forces with the Green Party and NDP which would give us the highest seat count, but who would they make premier? Me! I made that mistake once, but being in opposition is much easier — nobody asks you tough questions or expects you to live up to your promises. Being premier is actually really hard.”

Even KISS NB voters seemed surprised by tonight’s results.

“I never really thought about who I was voting for,” explained Bruce Mullin of Miramichi. “I knew about all the other parties and I can’t stand them. I thought I would send a message by voting for somebody who had absolutely no chance of winning. I guess most people had the same idea!”

Apathy in the established parties wasn’t the only draw for KISS NB, though. Andrew Steeves of Petitcodiac, who wore a jean jacket and smelled like he was celebrating the marijuana legalization a little early, provided some insight on why he voted KISS NB.

“A few of my friends thought it would be funny to spoil our ballots to stick it to the man. Before I had a chance to draw pentagrams and devil horns all over it, I noticed the KISS party was running. I didn’t even know KISS was an option. I quickly changed my mind and voted KISS, mainly because I think Gene Simmons will be the best president this province has ever seen!”

KISS NB Leader and Premier-elect Gerald Bourque was just as surprised as everybody else.

“I have no clue how we won. I didn’t have nearly enough candidates running to form government…I still don’t understand the math.”

When asked about his plan to govern, Bourque didn’t provide much insight.

“I dunno, I guess we’ll build a couple of them toll booths to raise money. I really can’t remember what else we promised — I didn’t expect I’d have to remember!”

While analysts struggle to explain the phenomenon that led to KISS NB forming government, everybody seems to agree that the future of New Brunswick is not likely to improve anytime soon.

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