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The Devils of Scorpion SETTING: The Third National Bank of Washington. Everything seems to be going alright. People in line waiting for the next teller, the bank manager at the desk, talking to a couple, the bank guard keeping watch at the front door. Just then, the sound of motorcycles could be heard […]

The Devils of Scorpion

SETTING: The Third National Bank of Washington. Everything seems to be going alright. People in line waiting for the next teller, the bank manager at the desk, talking to a couple, the bank guard keeping watch at the front door.

Just then, the sound of motorcycles could be heard over the quietness of the bank. Three men walked in, each wearing black blue jeans, black boots, and black leather jackets. Each was wearing a pair of dark shades.

Man #1: Where’s the bank head honcho?

Teller: [walking towards them] May I help you, sir?

Man #2: Nah, chicky baby. We want the bank dude. Are you the bank dude?

Manager: Well, I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t make a withdrawal if you don’t have an account.

Man #1: [pulls out a gun] I think we have authorization, don’t you?

Manager: [seeing gun] Yes, I see. How much do you want?

Man #1: Where’s your safe?

In a matter of minutes, the three men had managed to rob the bank of half a million dollars. As they were leaving, the man called Buzz turned to speak to the frightened customers.

Buzz: Have fun and remember. The Green Scorpions leave no witnesses. [tosses what seems like a grenade in bank] Take ye leave, peasants! [leaves]

The bank suddenly fills with smoke and the manager tries desperately to push the panic button. As he pushes it, he loses consciousness.

THE ALL NEW OPENING CREDITS FOR GET SMART!

SETTING: CONTROL headquarters. In the office of Chief Maxwell Smart, Agents 99, 66, 78, and 24 had assembled inside. The Chief sat at his desk reading a folder.

99: What’s the report say, Max?

Max: It’s says all of Washington is in big trouble.

Zach: It doesn’t really say that, does it, Dad?

Max: No, Zach. I was being sarcastic. It’s just the report from the police who covered the robbery yesterday.

66: I don’t believe I heard about that robbery, Chief.

Max: Yesterday afternoon, three members of the Green Scorpions bike gang went into the Third National bank of Washington and walked out with half a million dollars in cash.

Zach: [whistles] Half a million. But why is that detrimental to Washington, Dad?

Max: That bank happens to store all of Washington’s pay rolls for the government agencies.

Zach: You mean we’re not getting paid?

99: Zach, how can you think about money at a time like this? The government could easily go out of business because of that robbery!

Zach: Mom, as the new head of the CONTROL Agents Guild, it is my duty to negotiate all contacts for all male CONTROL agents. If there is a money crisis that might hinder the due payments of the agents, it is my job as head, to provide information as to when and how they will be paid.

Maxine: He’s right, Mom. Same goes for 66 and me.

Max: Trust me, the one thing I DON’T want to do is start hassling with both CONTROL labor guilds. We’ll be getting paid. Our payroll is at the FOURTH National Bank of Washington.

Zach: Oh, well, that’s a relief. Now we can get back to business. What’s our assignment?

Max: I need the four of you…[looks around] Where’s Parker?

Maxine: He’s not here yet, Dad.

Max: [annoyed] Well, I can see that, Maxine. Where is he?

Maxine: He’s coming a little late. He was here ‘til at least twelve o’clock this morning.

Max: I’ll admit, Parker’s a very dedicated agent. I’ll give you the briefing now and you can tell him when he gets in. I want the four of you to pose as part of another bike gang so you can get into the Scorpions. The only problem is our motorcycle expert isn’t here.

66: Isn’t that Agent 56?

Max: That’s him.

Zach: Well, where is he?

Max: He’s with another bike gang. He’s on vacation.

Maxine: Daddy, why don’t you ask Austin to do it?

Zach: [laughs] Max, when Dad said ‘bike’ he means a motorcycle.

Maxine: I know that, Zach. That’s why you should ask Austin.

Zach: Now what would Parker know about motorcycles?

Maxine: How do you think he gets to work everyday?

66: Parker has a motorcycle?

Maxine: Yeah.

99: Austin Parker?

Maxine: Yeah.

Max: Dr. Austin Parker?

Maxine: [annoyed] Yes! You guys didn’t know that?

Everyone: No.

Maxine: Austin’s been riding motorcycles since he was a little kid. I can’t believe you guys didn’t know that!

Max: We are talking about the SAME Parker, right?

Maxine: If you don’t believe me, go with me to the parking garage. [looking at watch] It’s 9am. He should be getting here now.

The group, unable to believe that head lab man Dr. Austin Parker had a motorcycle, more less knew how
to RIDE one, followed Maxine down to the parking garage and stood next to Maxine’s red pick-up truck.

Low and behold, a figure on a motorcycle came through from the gate and went down the slope to where they all stood. He was on a black Harley-Davidson XLH Sportster 883. He pulled in right next to Max’s truck and started to take his helmet off. When removed, the group saw that it was INDEED Dr. Austin Parker on the motorcycle.

Zach: [stunned] Parker, you just came in on a motorcycle!

Parker: [confused, looks at bike, then Zach] Um…yeah, Zach. This would be a motorcycle.

Max: Never mind, Parker. I need to see you in my office right now.

Parker: [getting off] Yes, sir.

The group once again was assembled in the Chief’s office.

Max: Parker, how much do you know about motorcycles?

Parker: I’ve been riding since I was kid. Why?

66: We need a motorcycle instructor to help prepare us for this case. We’re to infiltrate the Green Scorpions bike gang.

Parker: The Green Scorpions.

99: You’ve heard of them?

Parker: Off and on. Actually Chief, you know who would be great to be the instructor for this case? My uncle.

Zach: Dad! We can’t have a member of a bike gang in CONTROL headquarters! That would breach security! We’re breaching it right now by using by not using the Cone of Silence!

Max: Zach’s right, Parker. [Zach’s about to say something, but is stopped by Max] About the bike gang thing. [to Parker] But your uncle might have an edge that we don’t. How long will it take for your uncle to get here?

Parker: Maybe under three hours.

99: Three hours?

Parker: He lives in Pennsylvania.

Max: Alright, call him. Tell him to meet us at the motorcycle shop behind the back entrance of CONTROL. It’s a CONTROL front for all our bike riders. No matter what, we have to stop the Scorpions and get that government money back.

Parker: [to Zach] We will be getting paid, right? [Zach nods]

Zach: Dad keeps our payroll money in the FOURTH National Bank of Washington.

Max: Zach, I want you and 66 to go down to the bank and talk with the bank manager. Ask him if there was anything unusual about the suspects. 99…[pauses] How much money are we losing? Really.

99: Well, I don’t have the figures yet, but if that money isn’t recovered soon, the government might have to borrow.

Zach: Borrow? From who?

99: [looking at Max] I have a feeling that’s what I’ll be finding out. [Max nods]

Max: That everything is perfectly fine and nothing will go wrong with us on this case.

The scene switches to the president’s office.

President: Smart, with you on this case, something is BOUND to go wrong!

Max: I assure you, Mr. President, that everything possible that can be done is being done.

Prez: Do you know what will happen if we don’t get that money back? The United States government will have to borrow.

Maxine: Um…I hope I’m not out of line, sir, but who will we be borrowing from?

Prez: Well, I believe the first choice would be to cut back at the government agencies.

Max: You don’t mean…

Prez: I’m afraid so, Smart.

Maxine: Well, I certainly hope the CIA and the FBI are first! You already cut back CONTROL’ s salary. We’re low on vital weapons to fight evil. I’m ashamed to even wear a bullet proof shirt! I had to borrow one from Austin this morning. Mine’s full of holes! What I think you should do, sir, is make KAOS take a cut back. I mean, as long as they’re going to be a thriving business here, there is such a thing as taxes.

Prez: I couldn’t do that! That would be infringing on a small and personal business!

Max: But they’re KAOS!

Prez: They’re still a personal business and they do have a small business in the US. I can’t tax too heavily on them.

Maxine: [sarcastically] Oh, parish the thought! Heaven forbid!

Prez: Just what do you have planned, Smart?

Max: As we speak, sir, a motorcycle expert will be at the CONTROL Bike Shop to help the four agents on this case with bike safety. Then, we’ll have an actual bike gang member who can tell us the characteristics of the Green Scorpions.

Prez: You realize, Smart, that this is a potentially dangerous and suicidal mission.

Max: Don’t worry, sir. You have the right team for the job.

Prez: [somber look] I certainly hope so.

Maxine: You certainly hope what? That you’ve got the right team or that it’s a suicide mission?

Prez: Oh, a little from column A and a little from column B. [Max and Maxine look at each other]

******COMMERIAL BREAK******

SETTING: Behind Spike’s Bike Shop, the cover front for the CONTROL motorcycle grounds. On the grounds itself, a bike rider was trying out the dirt road and doing certain things.

As he continued to ride, the Smarts, Agent 66, and another man approach the grounds. As they talk, we learn the man is Paul Parker.

Max: Well, Mr. Parker, I certainly hope you didn’t have any trouble finding this place.

Q-Ball: Please, call me Paul. Or Q-Ball.

Zach: I’ve been meaning to ask you about that. I saw when you drove up, you have that painted on your bike. May I ask why they call you Q-Ball?

Paul removes the baseball cap his wearing to reveal he has no hair. His head is completely shaved.

Q-Ball: In the Devils, we give you nicknames based on who you are, your personality. I’ve got a shiny head, like a cue ball, so that’s my nickname. There’s a guy I know named Joker, cause he likes to kid around, then another guy named Sgt. Pepper. He was a real Sargent in the army and he likes the Beatles and then there’s…

They get to the grounds and really can’t be heard above the sound of the motorcycle. The rider is doing leaps and jumps off the boards, when Q-Ball gives a shrill whistle and the bike rider stops.

Q-Ball: Wheels, man! Cool it!

The bike rider stops and starts to shut off his engine as the group walked over to him. The rider
takes off his helmet to reveal Austin Parker from inside. Q-Ball walks over and the two men shake hands.

Parker: Uncle Paul, good to see you.

Q-Ball: Wheels! Man, I haven’t seen you since the Devils picnic two years ago.

Parker: Uncle Paul, I was in Med School! Be surprised I even got to go.

Zach: Wait! Wait a minute! Are you telling me that our lab doctor is a member of a bike gang?

Q-Ball: Wheelie here is one of the best bikers in the Devils. I thought him how to ride myself. [walks over to Zach] You don’t have a problem with that, do you?

Max: Well, I was wondering if you could teach some of our agents on this case a little about bike safety and give us a little insight into the Green Scorpions.

Q-Ball: Green Scorpions? Wow, that’s heavy duty bike madness.

99: What’d you mean?

Q-Ball: The Scorpions are what give all bikers bad names. Tough to the core. You wouldn’t believe the arsenal these guys keep in their hideout. You want my little nephew to go in and stop these guys?

Max: Well, he won’t be the only one.

Q-Ball: [to Parker] You be careful, Austin. I’d never live it down if I had to talk to your parents about what happened to you.

Parker: Don’t worry, Uncle Paul. I got everything under control. In fact, I’m glad you guys got down here. I wanted to show you something about your bikes. [gets off bike and walks over to a bunch of other bikes] These are your bikes for the case. I modified them to the way the Scorpions have theirs, but with a little something extra. There are different buttons on the handles. The green buttons are for oil.

66: Oil?

Parker: Right. Let’s say the Scorpions discover who we are and start to chase us. If you push the green buttons, oil will come from the tail pipe and cause an oil slick. Next to the green buttons are blue buttons. By pressing the blue buttons, a small smoke screen will come out of either side. These red buttons are for miniature explosives. You can use them while riding or just pull them from the bike’s side.

Q-Ball: Let’s get started, Austin. [to everyone else] Wheels here is going to drive over to the other side and show you some moves that might help you with the Scorpions. Go ahead, Wheels.

Parker gets on his bike and starts it up. He puts on a purple helmet with the name Wheels on it in
blue. He takes off for the other side and waits for his uncle’s cue.

Q-Ball: Now, assuming that the three of you have some bike riding experience, these are just basic tactics to survive with the Scorpions. Wheels over there is going to ride over and do a slide.

66: That’s where you make a tight turn and break, isn’t it?

Q-Ball: Exactly. This is the kind of move the Scorpions do all the time. Instead, when they use it, it’s for a fear element.

Q-Ball waves at Parker, then makes a half circle with his finger. Parker comes roaring past them and does a slide and rides to the other side again. For about an hour, the team go over bike safety and different moves. It’s late in the afternoon when the gang is finally ready.

Q-Ball: For my opinion, I think you guys are truly ready. I left a couple of jackets and helmets in my car, so you can use them as disguises.

Max: After you all leave here, you’ll go right over to the Scorpions hideout.

Maxine: Where is that?

Max: It’s on the very edge of town. Listen Zach, I know you have a tad bit of seniority, but I think it would be better if Parker headed up this case.

Zach: Dad, you don’t have to tell me that. It’s not like I’ll be sore or anything. I’m not a glory hog, you know.

Parker: Yes you are.

Zach: [gives Parker dirty look] [to Max] You see that? Insubordination tone. I think you should let me head this case.

Max: Zach! Parker’s in charge. He has a better edge than you do. Now, get your disguises and get going. I don’t want to waste anymore time than needed.

99: By the way guys, I just heard what the government plans to do if we don’t get that money back. Higher taxes, pay cuts…

Zach: Pay cuts? We don’t get enough now! How do they take nothing away from nothing?

99: Zach, that’s not the point!

Zach: It most certainly is the point! Do you know what will happen if hundreds of CONTROL workers aren’t paid? I don’t EVEN want to think about it. Complete and utter chaos. And I haven’t
even mentioned the other KAOS.

Max: [sarcastically] Try not to let that affect you, son.

Zach: You don’t have to be sarcastic, Pop. I’m just saying, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes right now. Maybe I can make the CAG see reason.

Parker: Start worrying, Chief.

******COMMERIAL BREAK******

SETTING: The Green Scorpions hideout. Inside, the majority of the gang were partying and drinking. The hideout was a run down bar on the edge of town. From an inside window, you could see out to the road, where four bikers sat on their bikes.

The four rode down to the bar. Loud music was coming from inside the bar and people were dancing to it. The four pulled up, got off their bikes and walked in. As soon as people saw them, they stopped dancing and the music was turned off.

Biker #1: What do you want?

Wheels: I want to see the man in charge.

Biker #2: He ain’t here.

Diesel: Mind if we wait?

Biker #1: Yeah. I do. Just pack up and scoot.

Wheels: Look, man. We’ve got some business to discuss with your number one man. If he’s not here, we’ll wait or we’ll come back and tear the place apart. Your choice.

From the back came the men who robbed the bank.

Buzz: I hear you’re looking for the head man.

Diesel: Yeah. Are you him? [Parker clears his throat towards Zach]

Man #1: I’m the head man of this little gang. Name’s Ace. Are you head man?

Wheels: [pushing Diesel back] I’m head man. Name’s Wheels.

Ace: Well, Wheels, what can I do you for?

Wheels: This is sort of private business.

Ace: Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the Scorpions.

Wheels: [looking around] Alright. We’re the Blue Devils. We’re thinking about hooking up with you and your gang. There’s only so much damage four people can do.

Biker #1: [behind the girls] And what kind of damage do you ladies do?

Dill and Maxi looked at the guy and smiled.

Maxi: This kind.

Maxi hit the guy in the stomach, making him double over. Then Dill hit him in the face, causing him to fly backwards and fall to the floor.

Ace: You gotta a couple of firecrackers back there.

Wheels: [pointing to the girls] This Dill and Maxi. They don’t like being hit on. [pointing to Diesel] This is Diesel. He’s a pretty good weapon man.

Parker: We found the government money. It’s in the Scorpion hideout in one of the back offices. They have another plan and that’s to kidnap the Prime Minister of Vienna. That’s why we’re here. It’s like our initiation. Chief, we can’t possibly kidnap the prime minister!

Ten minutes went by and Max did call back. He told the four to proceed as planned to the hotel, go to
the room number given and kidnap the prime minister. The catch was, the real prime minister was being sent somewhere else, while they would kidnap a fake prime minister.

The hotel would be surrounded by CONTROL agents. The four broke into the hotel and found the room of the prime minister. They found the man sitting at his desk. Zach quickly grabbed him from behind and covered his mouth.

Zach: Don’t be alarmed, Mr. Prime Minister. I’m really Zachary Smart, an agent for CONTROL. I know this might seem odd, but we have to take you away from here and keep you tied up in a stinky, smelly, old bar.

The Prime Minister didn’t struggle much and handed Zach a wallet.

Zach: [taking wallet] What’s this? Your wallet? No, sir, we don’t want your money. I told you this might be a little odd, but we’re on a case and this case requires us…

66: [takes wallet from Zach] Zach! Look at this wallet! [hands wallet back to Zach]

Zach: [looking through wallet] Mr. Prime Minister, is there a reason why you have a picture of my mother in this wallet? [PM nods] Well, good. I don’t think my father would like it very much.

66: Zach, keep looking.

Zach: Is there a reason why you also have a picture of me as a baby in here? [taking picture out] I thought I burned these. [keeps looking through wallet] Hey, guys, listen to this. [reads] Maxwell Smart, special agent number 8654617. [to PM] Now you have a lot of explaining to do. You know this is my dad’s wallet, right?

Max goes through his wallet and notices something missing. He snaps his fingers at Zach.

Zach: [laughs a little] Dad…

Max snaps again and Zach hands over the baby picture he took for the wallet.

Parker: Chief, you’re replacing the prime minister?

Max: I had to. I got a file on the prime minister and I’m the only one who matches his height and weight.

Zach: Really? [looks at Max] Remind me to tell the prime minister he needs to go on a diet. [evil look from Max] The prime minister, of course. You don’t need to go on a diet, Pop. I’m sure all that’s muscle.

Max: Because we’re short on time, I won’t kill you, Zach.

66: Chief, what’re we going to do? The whole place is surrounded by guards.

Max: No, the whole place is surrounded by CONTROL agents.

Maxine: That’s great! That means we can get out of here easy!

Max: Well, not exactly.

66: What do you mean, not exactly?

Max: Well, they know I’m being kidnapped and they know by who. They just don’t know that you’re the who.

Parker: So they basically have orders to get the people kidnapping you.

Max: More like, shoot to kill.

Zach: We’re going to die. We can not get out of here alive.

Max: Yes we can. You got in here, didn’t you?

Parker: Right. We’ll just go out the way we came. Hopefully.

The five went out and were fine and drove back to the bar. It was quiet inside and the five tiptoed
through the bar.

Parker: Hey, with everybody asleep, maybe we can get that money back.

Max: Good idea. Where is it?

Parker: [pointing] Straight back, office on the left. We can go out the other door and be home free.

The five went in the back office and started to pick up the money.

Zach: I can’t believe how easy this is. [thinking] A little too easy.

Just then the door closed and the lights turned on. Ace, Buzz, Sugar, and five more Scorpions stood in the room.

Ace: Nice of you to drop in. Hello, Prime Minister. Or should I say Maxwell Smart!

Max: So you know.

Zach: [surprised] You’re Maxwell Smart? You lied to us! [to Ace] He said he was the prime minister.

Ace: Buzz decided to check up on you. We got the KAOS files, got your pictures and your names. Then we got word the prime minister was being sent to another hotel, which is completely surrounded by CONTROL agents.

Maxine: Dad, you lied to us. You said the Imperial was surround by CONTROL agents.

Max: [annoyed] So I’m a big fat liar today! That’s not the point. The point is, we’ve got the stolen payroll and the Prime minister safe.

Sugar: Yeah, but you’re not.

Max: Oh, well, yes, I hadn’t gotten to that point yet.

Zach: [to Sugar] And you said you’re sweet. Yeah! As sweet as a bullet!

Sugar: [points gun at Zach] Funny you should mention that, Smart.

Zach: I withdraw my last motion.

Ace: Shooting you would be too good. I have a better way. Tie them up! Tomorrow, we ride for their freedom.

******COMMERCIAL BREAK******

SETTING: The next day at the Scorpions hideout. All members stood outside, in the middle of a riding competition. On one team was the discovered Team Smart and on the other were the experienced and ruthless Green Scorpions.

Zach nervously walked over to his bike and put his helmet on. He touched the side, as though adjusting his strap, and turned the communication device on.

Zach: [in helmet] Parker, can you hear me?

TS stood behind the rest of the bikers. Parker shielded the transmitter with his hand.

Parker: Loud and clear, Zach.

Ace: The gist of this test is to see whether or not Team Smart lives or dies. [to bikers] You two are to go all the way down the dirt road and make a left. You’re basically going around this compound in a circle. The first one back decides the fate. [walks over to Buzz] Use every dirty trick in the book. I want this guy dead. [backs away] Okay, Sugar!

The bikes roared off and started to go down the road. When they got to the turn, Buzz tried to run Zach off the road, but Zach swerved to miss him.

Zach: Parker, I can’t put my finger on it, but I think Buzz is trying to kill me.

Buzz was far ahead and stopped near a small clearing. He got a partially cut tree and with all his might pushed it over. He then got back on his bike and rode off. Zach saw the tree before he even got to it.

Zach: Now I’m positive Buzz is trying to kill me. He just set a roadblock in front of me.

Parker: Use the explosives to blast the tree.

Zach: Right.

Zach pushed the red buttons and two miniature pods went out, hit the tree and the tree instantly exploded. Zach quickly caught up to Buzz and pasted him.

As he did, he pushed the blue buttons for the smoke screen. Smoke came out and blinded Buzz to the point where he veered off the road and crashed into some bushes.

Zach: We’re home free now, Parker! [no answer] Parker?

Ace had discovered the transmitter in Parker’s hands and had destroyed it. The gang was now holding guns on them. Zach came around the corner to see everything very still and decided that perhaps he’d better get a little back up involved.

Ace: It looks like your bike man had a slight accident. I don’t think he’ll be coming back.