Friday, February 26, 2010

Back in Ancient Greece there was a goddess called Peitho (Suadela to the Romans, Parvati to the Americans). Granted, her name doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but trust me when I tell you she's a force to be reckoned with. To her minions, she was known as the Goddess of Persuasion and Seduction, but to CBS viewers she's known as the goddess of tiny bikinis and shiny teeth. Interesting to note that Peitho is actually the sister of Calypso. I had no idea Harry Belafonte even had a sister... let alone a Greek one! Dinners back at the temple must have been awesome. Aphrodite would whip up some Sloppy Joe's, kick back with an after dinner smoke, and Sonny Jim Harry would regale the women in his family with one of his songs. In fact, I think "Daylight come and me wanna go home" is how the Walk Of Shame came into existence, but I can't be sure. Anyhow, Peitho was one powerful bitch and her ability to turn men into gullible little puppy dogs is something to be revered until the end of time. With a simple hair flip she can get anyone to do her bidding... my kind of gal. Let's recap, shall we?

The scene begins with our Heroes returning to camp after a long and harrowing date with Dimples Probst. I always imagine any length of time in the dark with Dimples to be harrowing, but I digress. They're back home and James is still twitching from that taste of Villain Poison he got from Tyson way back when. You see, he's been infected and it's making him say bone headed things in addition to wanting to kill people. In an effort to do some damage control and prevent Tom from getting his Klan hat out of storage, he announces to his tribe that all he wants is to win. Tom "Sully" Sullenberger aproaches James with a cup of chamomile tea and whispers that there's nothing with wrong with wanting to win, but perhaps next time James could be a little gentler. Sully is like life on Xanax. Nothing is a big deal, a hollow echo follows every word, and curling up in front of a fire with your favorite Danielle Steele is always the answer to everything. Like a candlelit room filled with Enya music and a lavendar scented bubble bath, Sully is simply soothing. As a matter of fact, if I had an adult contemporary jazz band, I'd call it Simply Soothing. JT, who's always had a hankering for a relaxing cup of chamomile and lite jazz, approaches Sully to apologize for how he voted. He knows he broke a promise so he swears on the sanctity of his relationship with his girlfriend (ha!) that he'll never break his word to Sully again. Sully smiles, pats him on the back, and offers JT a cup of tea he's generously laced with Belladonna. Not 5 minutes later all we hear are two thumps... the sounds of JT and James hitting the hard ground.

With the two southern giants fast asleep, Sully is now free to chat with Colby. They discuss everything from how to get wrinkles out of capes to how the game has gotten really ugly really fast. They had no idea people would actually come on Survivor and play strategy in some cockamamie effort to win. Who would have thunk it? They thought they were there to play fair and make dream catchers or some shit like that. Color them surprised!

Over in the den of iniquity known as the Villains Camp, a slightly more disturbing turn of events is taking place. Wait for it... Parvati and Lucifer (Russell Hantz) are cuddling! Like Oedipus I promptly pluck out my eyeballs and eat them on toast. I like Lucifer and all, but watching him get jiggy with it could scar me for life. You see, Parvati finds it simply heavenly that whenever she puts her head on Lucifer's chest it just rolls right off. Uh Parvati, that'll happen when you're lying on a convex shaped troll. It's like a law of physics or something. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it, and objects roll like marbles off of a paunchy tummy. It's only common sense!

They continue to giggle and coo while the rest of the tribe looks on concerned. Boston Rob actually takes this moment to school each and every one of us in the secret to winning Survivor. He slicks his hair back, dons a lab coat, and stares with goggled eyes into a beaker. I don't know about you, but I put down my knitting project and scooted my chair a little closer to hear this one. Ok here it is: You can always tell who is aligned with whom by who sleeps next to each other at night. Pow! Did that blow your mind or what? Yeah, me neither. Seems like common sense to me, but then again I am smarter than your average Bostonian playing in a chemistry lab. Ok so Boston Rob tells us that Lucifer can't be trusted. Again, tell me something I don't know. He insists Lucifer is in puppy love with Parvati and, for the sake of puppies everywhere, I kind of hope Rob is way off base.

Back at the Tony Robbins Samoan Seminar, all the Heroes are sprinkled along the Samaon shore not saying a word to one another. Tony tried to hook them up to some "Be Happy" electrodes connected to a car battery and now all the Heroes are mad and slightly singed. Rupert, a die hard Robbins fan, grabs his maracas, some brittle chicken bones, and his feathered ankle bracelets. He's desperate for the group to become one again and he has no problem doing a naked rain dance to see that is happens. You see, if rain comes, then the tribe will be forced to seek shelter together. And through togetherness, they will find their strength, hold empowerment conferences, do that falling back into each other's arms trust thing, and play hide the hairy salami or something. After hours of dancing ferociously on the beach and managing to only produce a tinkle of moisture, Rupert decides that setting the chickens free is the next best option. It's a risky maneuver, but he thinks it'll pay off in the end.

Rupert sneaks over to the chicken coop and after making sure the coast is clear, he takes his sausage fingers and unlocks the chicken cage. "Oh no!", he bellows. "Come quick Heroes. These chickens, they need a rescuin'!" The Heroes swoop in, encircle the chickens who aren't even really bothering to run away, and together they solve the chicken crisis. Rupert is beside himself with joy. His Chicken Togetherness Seminar actually worked! He takes out the yellowing pad he keeps in his pocket - the one designated for great ideas - he crosses out "Rupert's Kids" and writes in big childlike letters Chikin Togeverniss. That's a money maker if ever I heard one! James, on the other hand, simply begins to drool. The sight of chickens and the thought of death in the forefront of his poisoned mind...

Meanwhile back at Helldone 2010, the dragon slayer and the troll of the underworld are deep in conversation. In a not so roundabout way, Coach tells Lucifer that Parvati is the most evil person with a vagina on the planet. It turns out he's powerless to her charms - of which she has many. A dragon slayer may be a powerful warlord who's battled and survived unspeakable things, but put a chick with a toothy grin in a small bikini and you've reduced the dragon slayer to nothing but an overgrown Medieval Times cast member with bad hair. Had Coach done his research and consulted Wikipedia like yours truly, he'd know that one of the ways to appease the dragon is to feed it virgins twice a year. While I'm quite sure Parvati is no virgin, a sacrifice is a sacrifice I always say.

Coach might be a walking Quotations Encyclopedia and he might not know the first thing about slaying dragons, but I'll give him one thing - his instincts are correct. Parvati is dangerous. She is precisely the type of player that needs to be extinguished quickly. She doesn't talk strategy, she doesn't lift a finger, she's really not all that strong, but that doesn't mean she's not playing. In fact, she's probably playing harder than anyone else on that tribe. It takes planning to dig out a wedgie at the precise moment an unsuspecting male will see it. And do you have any idea how hard it is to smile and show all of your molars at the same time? That shit hurts! It's exhausting and it's definitely not easy, believe you me. By the way, never trust a person who smiles so big you can see their hind legs. Stitch it on a pillow if you have to, but whatever you do don't forget it. Toothy grins are the equivalent of Elisabeth Hasslebeck on The View. They're disturbing, expel hot air, and make you want to stab yourself in the spleen.

Lucifer listens patiently to what Coach has to say about Parvati and offers up some grunts of ackowledgement, but you and I know he's really not buying any of it. Even after Rob joins the conversation and echoes Coach's sentiment, Lucifer simply rolls his eyes and begins to tattoo 'Parvati' on his own ass using the machete as a crude needle. No one tells Lucifer how to play the game of Survivor I'll have you know. How dare anyone tell a guy who just lost his first season against a bunch of morons how to play in his own castle. No seasoned veteran can tell him what to do! As a matter of fact Coach is nothing but a joke and Rob may think he's the daddy, but he's never been more wrong. Lucifer, delighting himself with the sound of his own voice, just chuckles and says, "I'm the daddy around here!" Hmmm ok. Umm daddy, how come you're cheating on mommy with the girl with the big teeth and how come we live in a trailer with no running water? Come to think of it, how come you're a millionaire with a black tooth? I never got the answers to my questions because I was struck by a bolt of lightening. That'll happen if you question "the daddy".

With visions of sugartits and strategically placed sand on asses, Lucifer immediately skips over to Parvati to tell her everything Coach and Rob just said. You may think Lucifer is the one playing games by tattling to Parvati and putting targets on Coach and Rob's backs, but I offer up a new theory. I think Parvati is the one in power. Late last night drunk on fermented coconut milk, she danced a wild tarantella under the full moon. With each and every wiggle, chaotic step, and blink of her eyes she put a spell on Lucifer rendering the poor man useless. He has no choice but to tell her everything now. He's doing her magical bidding for her and he doesn't even know it. Better yet, he thinks he's the one who has everyone under a spell. And that, my dear readers, is the true magic of the Goddess of Persuasion. She's very Keyser Soze when you think about it.

Later that night while Coach tried to impress everyone with tales of vomiting and gums bleeding, Parvati snuck away from camp to gather some supplies. Deep in the jungle she collected some orris root, cardamom pods, hemlock, mugwort, baby's breath, sage, rosemary, thyme, and a spotted owl feather. When she had all of her treasures safely hidden in her bikini bottom she chanted the magical words in honor of her Greek ancestors. "Spaghetti spaghetti confetti and beer/Take this machete and make it dis-appear!" Within seconds Lucifer rose from his slumber, rubbed his belly, and went off to bury the machete deep in the Samoan mud. Convinced it was his own idea he tells us he's about to cause some chaos up in the hizzy. Without that machete they won't be able to kill chickens, open cocounts, start a fire, or slice off Rupert's toes for Toenuggets. Looking quite pleased with himself, Lucifer tells us that Rob's Boston Red Sox hat is next. I bit my fist not realizing the magnitude of Parvati's powers.

Randy is old. He's like Levitcus old so he's been around the block a time or two. He knows Parvati's family from way back in the day and he's not falling her big old pile of bullshit for one second. As a matter of fact, he's privy to very some very privileged information about Ms. Parvati's bloodline. Aphrodite may have been born of the ocean on the half shell, but did you know that all of her descendents are actually allergic to clams? Oh yes indeedy they are! So, what does Randy do? Well, I'll tell you. He marches right into the ocean and grabs the biggest juiciest clam he can find. First he offers some to Tyson which was totally a ploy by the way. We all know Tyson doesn't eat. Next, he offers it to Sandra and Parvati. Parvati is intrigued. She takes a small piece while Randy waits and stares with his heart in his throat. He's not sure what will happen. Will she shrivel up and melt right there on the beach or will she turn into a pile of dust like in Interview With The Vampire? He has no idea, but the anticipation is divine. Parvati places the tiny piece of clam on her tongue and... wait for it... she pukes it up where it falls pathetically onto the sand. Kind of anticlimactic if you ask me. Well, you have to admire Randy's tenacity I guess.

This brings us to the big Immunity/Reward Challenge. Players have to square off sumo style one by one and try to knock their opponent into the mud. Sounds awesome, right? Sounds like a chance for the Villains to play some more prison rules, right? Well, not so fast Seasbiscuit. Living on Jerri's blood and puked up clam will only get you so far. In what had to be the most pathetic display of physical prowess ever, the Villains got their asses handed to them on a big shiny silver platter. The only Villain that even came close to winning was Coach and that's only cuz he cheated. After he stopped cheating, Rupert had to simply fart on him and he fell directly in the mud. Miserable... just miserable. As I'm running out of time and metaphors, I'll summarize it simply by saying HEROES WIN IMMUNITY! *blech*

Clearly upset by losing, the Villains return home to splash and play in the water while they rinse off the lingering smell of defeat. And here's where Parvati goes into action. A little water here... a little water there... roll down bikini here... make circles on tummy there... that's all it took. Rob and Tyson are on her side and now they want Randy gone. Even Maneater Manthey is impressed. The Maneater may never age and she may have brought evil back much in the same way Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, but even she's stunned by Parvati's powers. She's flummoxed as to how this so-so looking girl with too many teeth and a valley girl twang manages to get these men to fall into line and obey. Jerri may be a vampire queen, but even she knows the possibilities of having such powers over men. The scene ends with Jerri carefully planning a way to drain Parvati of all her blood and body fluids in order to bottle it and use it at a later date when she returns back to the States. Maybe, with the help of Parvati Juice, Jerri can once and for all beguile Colby into submission. Who knows? It's worth a try.

Coach, try as he might, is determined to fight off Parvati's charms as well. For some reason it's an uphill battle for him and a battle he always loses. He tells us repeatedly that he's not swayed by taut girl flesh. A cute smile and a wiggle won't lure him in... oh no. Yeah right. He's a man, isn't he? Old Man River tries to help Coach out by telling him what a huge mistake it is to keep Parvati in the game. For a second there we all kind of thought it was sinking in and that Coach might just make a big power move, but then Parvati walked by and did a hair flip and that plan was shot to hell. Randy shrugs his shoulders and tells Coach he'll buy him a beer when he sees him Loser's Lodge. Could Randy be speaking the truth? Could this only be the beginning of Parvati's wrath? I wonder how many more men will perish in her wake.

No time to ponder that cuz it's Tribal Council time bitches. Jeff does his "fire is life" dance and starts right in asking the Villains the same question he asked the Heroes in week one: How important are past relationships? Sandra says they're important. Also... how many times someone has played, whether or not someone has won, and if someone has friends on the Heroes tribe.... all important stuff.... all stuff pointing directly at Parvati. Sandra even says, "Yeah Parvati. She freaks me out." Ok well maybe she didn't say it just like that, but it was close. How does Parvati respond? She does a hair flip, blows Sandra a kiss, and sits back smiling knowing Sandra will not be voting her out tonight. Magic. She even manages to get Sandra to bitch a little bit about Coach. Hey Maneater, when you bottle that Parvati Juice send me some too. I've got a few exes I'd like to fuck with and some Parvati Juice could be just the ticket. It's time to vote.

Did we really doubt the outcome? Especially since I've outlined Parvati's pantheon of ancestors and ability to turn a magical phrase, we all kind of knew... Randy is the third person voted out of Survivor Hereoes V. Villains. Personally, I'm glad. I never cared for Randy and it'll be interesting to see exactly how many people Parvati can bewitch. She may be kind of annoying with that Drew Barrymore accent of hers, but I'd much rather watch her than Randy any day. What do you guys think? Are you glad Parvati stayed? Can the Villains ever win a physical challenge? Has Coach slayed his last dragon? Sorry this was so short. Real life intervened today. I'll make it up to you next week. Anyhow, comment it out bitches a have a great day!