Dating Advice #185 - Senior Search

Can an octogenarian find her soul mate?

Your focus is on the younger generation, but there is a huge population of widows, widowers, divorcees, etc. that is considerably older, but living longer and living well. My friend lost two husbands and is really eager to find another partner. She is 80 years old, but you would never know by her appearance and demeanor. She's as sparky as they come, great sense of humor and extremely intelligent.

I am a young 75. I was married at 18, and divorced him 20 years ago after suffering from his dysfunction. After the divorce, everyone was telling their single friends to call me, which they did. I went out with some for lunch, a chat, etc. -- a different date almost every day. The phone kept ringing and I was meeting all of the men you would never find at a singles event.

Yet I never found one of them with whom I could feel an emotional connection -- possibly because of my negative experience with marriage that I feared to repeat. But they liked perusing me and I was very popular. But that got old. When they wanted to get married and I didn't, they got the message.

So I went to work for 20 years and it was the most self-empowering thing I could do -- finding something I knew I was doing with excellence and generating a good income.

Now after Wife and Motherhood, Dating Dolly, and Business Wonder Woman, what's next? I would truly like a marriage companion to share my beach home, travel opportunities, theater, etc. -- but how do I find him? Not online. The older men only want young women. And if the guy is much younger, I often suspect he is interested in the financial benefits of my lifestyle.

I would like to have some one show up who "knocks my socks off," but realistically don't see that in the cards. So please tell us "senior but interesting" ladies what to do. There are thousands of us waiting for advice.

Barbara

Dear Barbara,

You seem to be a woman with a lot of admirable qualities -- who had the strength to leave a bad marriage with a spouse who would not get the help he needed, and went on to become a successful businesswoman and build a good life for herself. You demonstrated a great deal of flexibility, and now that you are looking for someone to share the rest of your life with, you'll have to re-orient yourself once again. Yet in fact, the process for someone who is in her senior years isn't much different than for a much younger single.

The main difference is the population. There simply are considerably fewer men this time around. Nevertheless, there are some pretty great guys who are also looking for marriage. The secret to finding them is through extensive networking, as well as by getting involved in projects and programs that can enrich your life -- and at the same time either help you meet someone or meet new people who can become part of your network. By the way, that's the same advice we give singles in their late 20s, 30s and 40s -- the only difference is that as you get older, the more networking you may have to do.

We can see that you know how to network -- it was one of the ways you were able to date extensively when you were younger. Some of those friends may no longer be with us now, so you may have to make a bigger effort to meet new people who can be helpful, but that will have an added benefit of bringing some new people into your social circle.

Since you now want more than just "someone with whom to spend a few pleasant hours," we recommend that you pre-screen the people who have been suggested to you. Don't date anyone simply because he's "over age 68 and available." Try to find out if he is looking for someone like you, and if he has similar ideas about the way he would like to spend his life.

If you are worried about meeting an opportunist, it's important to talk to someone who has known him a long time and can vouch for his integrity. Of course, if you are fortunate to meet a man with whom you will share your life, you will nevertheless have to protect your assets. A family lawyer can help you understand how to structure your finances so that each of you retain the assets you acquired earlier in your lives, no matter what happens to the other (or to your relationship), and can insure that your assets will eventually pass to your heirs.

We believe that the greatest difficulty you will face is being able to build a relationship with someone. Your letter is very insightful -- your are probably correct in surmising that the reason you only dated for enjoyment in the years following your divorce was that you were emotionally scarred by your first marriage. Even though you went on to enjoy a full and rewarding life, those scars are probably still present. They definitely blocked you in the past, even though at the time you may not have realized this. It could be you need a short amount of therapy to be able to move past this block.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 1

(1)
Anonymous,
August 13, 2005 12:00 AM

Too bad assets are often thought more precious than companionship and love

Just seems to me that the over 50 or 60 group are more interested in balance sheets that meeting someone of true worth. I think my heart is solid gold, but my wallet is lighter than most of my associates. It is my biggest drawback, but it may hinder my desire for the love of my life sharing "our" remaining years!

Submit Your Comment:

Name:*

Display my name?

YesNo

Email:*

Your email address is kept private. Our editor needs it in case we have a question about your comment.

My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

In 350 BCE, the building of the second Holy Temple was completed in Jerusalem, as recorded in the biblical Book of Ezra (6:15). The re-building of the Temple had begun under Cyrus when the Persians first took over the Babylonian empire. The re-building was then interrupted for 18 years, and resumed with the blessing of Darius II, the Persian king whom is said to be the son of Esther. The Second Temple lacked much of the glory of the First Temple: There was no Ark of the Covenant, and the daily miracles and prophets were no longer part of the scenery. The Second Temple would stand for 420 years, before being destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE.

You shall know this day and consider it within your heart(Deuteronomy 4:39).

Business people who are involved in many transactions employ accountants to analyze their operations and to determine whether or not they are profitable. They may also seek the help of experts to determine which products are making money and which are losing. Such studies allow them to maximize their profits and minimize their losses. Without such data, they might be doing a great deal of business, but discover at the end of the year that their expenditures exceeded their earnings.

Sensible people give at least as much thought to the quality and achievement of their lives as they do to their businesses. Each asks himself, "Where am I going with my life? What am I doing that is of value? In what ways am I gaining and improving? And which practices should I increase, and which should I eliminate?"

Few people make such reckonings. Many of those that do, do so on their own, without consulting an expert's opinion. These same people would not think of being their own business analysts and accountants, and they readily pay large sums of money to engage highly qualified experts in these fields.

Jewish ethical works urge us to regularly undergo cheshbon hanefesh, a personal accounting. We would be foolish to approach this accounting of our very lives with any less seriousness than we do our business affairs. We should seek out the "spiritual C.P.A.s," those who have expertise in spiritual guidance, to help us in our analyses.

Today I shall...

look for competent guidance in doing a personal moral inventory and in planning my future.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...