Creating “Bad” Habits?

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If you are a parent of a young child, you have most likely been forewarned by many people about making sure you don’t “create bad habits” with your child (sometimes people just simply refer to these as “habits”, minus the “bad”, but then imply it’s something you must change, leaving the “bad” as unsaid but clearly present). Usually these people are talking about one of the following:

Nursing or cuddling your baby to sleep

Holding your baby while s/he sleeps

Nursing on demand, including for comfort

Holding or soothing your crying baby

These are, apparently, the “habits” you must break your child of. Apparently they will do damage to your child, to you, to your relationships, your sanity, and quite possibly global peace. To hear people speak of these actions, one would think we were attempting to raise trained assassins and these were our pivotal steps.

I ask instead that we consider our infants’ behaviours a little differently. You see, although the strict definition of a habit is, “A settled or regular tendency or practice”, when it comes to parenting you will see it almost exclusively used to refer to what parents do for the children. Therefore, when we assume the bad habit is caused by action, the assumption is that inaction is preferable. In the case of these common “habits”, the preferable actions in our society are:

Having your baby fall asleep alone

Having your baby sleep in his/her own bed in his/her own room

Only nursing when the baby is clearly hungry (no comfort feeds) or to a schedule

But, what if instead we viewed habits from a biologically normal perspective? That is, what if we started off with what babies will biologically expect and then deem any action or inaction that deviates from that as the creation of a habit? What would this look like?

Well, if we look at human history, the “bad habits” that we are so fond of telling parents off for are actually the very normal behaviours that exist between caretakers and their children

[1][2][3]. In this sense we can, I believe, safely assume that these are the very behaviours that infants have evolved to expect and when we look at their physiological and behavioural reactions to them we see exactly what we would hope for: Securely attached children with minimal displays of physiological stress[4][5].

Given the definition of a habit above, why are we not seeing these other inactions as the habits that they are? A baby who is forced to fall asleep alone can develop the habit of falling asleep alone even if it’s not biologically normal. A baby who is forced to sleep separate from others can develop the habit of not calling out to a parent at night or seeking proximity even if it’s not biologically normal. A baby who is fed to a schedule or refused comfort feeds can develop the habit of waiting until feeding times even if it’s not biologically normal. A baby who is left to cry to “self-soothe” can learn to shut up to preserve energy and cease to communicate for help or comfort even if it’s not biologically normal. And in all these we must remember that it’s not just that these acts aren’t biologically normal, but many of them are linked to potential problems, such as increased SIDS risk when sleeping alone[6], cognitive deficits from feeding schedules[7], and problems with later emotion regulation from a failure to be responsive to distress[8]. Who’s got the bad habits now?

Next time someone tries to tell you that you’re developing “bad habits” or “making a rod for your own back”, you can remind them that perhaps it is they who are creating the bad habits that can cause problems in the times to come or at least that what you are you doing is totally, biologically, evolutionarily normal.

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If you are in need of individualized parenting help, I offer services via email, Skype, and phone on a variety of parenting topics. You can find out more here.

[1] Diamond J. The World Until Yesterday. New York, NY: Penguin Group, 2012.

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Tracy Cassels, PhD is the Director of Evolutionary Parenting, a science-based, attachment-oriented resource for families on a variety of parenting issues. In addition to her online resources, she offers one-on-one support to families around the world and is regularly asked to speak on a variety of issues from sleep to tantrums at conferences and in the media. She lives in Prince Edward County, Ontario, Canada with her husband and two children.

17 Comments

I just wanted to thank you for the effort you put into this website. It really helps me when I start to doubt my parenting decisions – I do think of myself as an evidence-based parent and your articles are a wonderful source of information for me.

Today my mother in law exclaimed how lucky I am to. not have a crying colicky baby. While I do feel extremely lucky, this same woman tried to tell me when my little girl was 2 weeks old that she was manipulating me to pick her up and that I had to stop it before it became a habit. Does she really not realise that my chilled out baby may just be this way because she has learned that her needs will be tended to when SHE needs it?

Of course, I’m happy that she doesn’t have any issues that makes her cry incessantly, but I also don’t think it is all luck. Giving her the attention and closeness we have has cost a lot physically and emotionally. I will do it again in a heartbeat, but it is bloody hard work!

Well now I feel like a piece of sh!t mom!!
Lol
My 4 mth old sleeps 12hrs/night…..I didn’t do anything for that….,she just does ( odd times she wakes and I brfd her, always on demand)……. And because of this and outgrowing her bassinet…..she sleeps in her crib….. I didn’t CIO or force her in there….. She just slept there no problem……

I guess it’s sort of assumed that I’m not “attached” by not co-sleeping …….
Co-sleeping didn’t work for us…wasn’t safe …….. I get the “what did you do to get her to sleep all night…. To sleep in her crib”…….no one ever really believes me when I answer …”nothing…. I did nothing”…..
I’m assumed to have practiced these methods I ssssooooo do not believe in like CIO…. Not holding LO when she sleeps …. Scheduled feedings……

And as If wasn’t worried enough about SIDS?? I thought co-sleeping decreased it…. Same as when they’re in their crib with no bumper pads, no blankets, no big Teddy’s and sleep on their back….? I didn’t know the crib increased risks.

I wanted to reiterate what Joelle and others have said – that this website is incredibly valuable to me as a source of scientifically supported information to refer to both when making decisions about how to care for my baby… and often afterwards too when doubt creeps (or stampedes) in!

Whenever I worry that I’m going about things the “wrong” way, potentially harming my baby and/or creating a rod for my own back (!), especially when encountering overt or implied disapproval from GPs and Health Visitors (I’m in the UK) with regards to co-sleeping and babywearing, I revisit this site and it strengthens my resolve. Thank you 🙂

I have just come across this page and have found the article I have read somewhat reassuring.
I have a 3 week old, I have been feeling quite down and on top of that all the advise I have had is not really advice but comments such as “you must stop that before it becomes a habit!”
my baby sleeps next to me, where he nurses when he wants in the middle of the night, I feed him on demand during the day and I cuddle him and take him to a quiet place if I ever feel he cries because he is overwhelmed by noise and lights (my in-laws is a very busy and loud household).
I don’t believe I am doing anything wrong, I am responding to my childs needs. I chose to bring this child into this world and now have the responsibility to listen to it and not force it to listen to me and what would suit MY existing life.
I believe babies cries and needs have been developed instinctively like any other animal and mammals and we as humans sometimes forget we have instincts and needn’t live by a book or what others believe we should, as like I said before, we cannot expect a baby to fit into our existing life. It is a ridiculous thought!

This is just so what I needed to hear! I’ve just discovered your blog and I’m finding it incredibly reassuring. My little one is almost 8 months old now and before she turned 6 months old I had no issues responding to her cries, feeding for comfort, rocking her to sleep, having her nap on me throughout the day, etc because ‘you can’t spoil a baby under 6 months’. Once the 6 month mark rolled around though, and she wasn’t magically sleeping longer stretches and still very much in need of comfort feeds, I began to doubt. How did I know I was not creating a spoiled brat? Her cries changed from high pitched to more of a whinge at first, did that mean she was simply ‘wanting’ something and not ‘needing’ it, and by responding to her whinge before it became a scream was I teaching her that you get what you want by whining? I still have times where I doubt, but this article in particular just makes me feel so much better! Thank you! It’s hard to find this sort of thing that’s relevant to babies older than newborns!

Every time someone tells me it is ‘really time to teach baby how to self settle’ and stop ‘creating bad habits’ (even my GP..) now that my baby is six months old I come back here to remember why I won’t ever go down that path.

I have been beating myself over this to the point where I’m bordering ppd (according to my doctor). There’s a lot of pressure from society to do certain things, sleep training especially. Even the baby’s doctor tells me to do it… Thank you for reminding me I made the right decision. I love your website.