The Woo Boat

File this one under the category: You can’t make stuff like this up. (At least, I can’t.)

Let’s say you’re a die hard all-conspiracy conspiracy theorist and alternative medicine believer (a not uncommon combination). You love Alex Jones and Mike Adams and agree with their rants that there is a New World Order trying to suppress your rights. You strongly believe that vaccines not only cause autism, sudden infant death syndrome, a shaken baby-like syndrome, autoimmune diseases, sudden ovarian failure, and even outright death but are a depopulation plot hatched by Bill Gates and the Illuminati who support his agenda. Heck, you even believe that black helicopters are keeping an eye on those who have discovered this plot. To you, genetically modified organisms (GMOs) are part of the same plot, pure poison and pure evil. And, of course, you just know that there is a cure for cancer—nay, cures for all diseases—out there but those evil pharmaceutical companies are keeping them from the people, the better to bolster their profits, just as they are preventing Brave Maverick Doctors like Andrew Wakefield, Mark Geier, and Sherri Tenpenny from telling the world the truth about vaccines. Heck, you just know that these same nefarious forces are even going so far as to kill vaccine “skeptic” heroes like Jeff Bradstreet (and, of course, make it look like a suicide) and holistic “pioneers” like Nicholas Gonzalez (and make it look like a heart attack).

And you like cruises.

So where do you go when you want to go on a cruise? Normal cruises are filled with people who just want to have a good time and tend to roll their eyes when you regale them with your ideas about how there is a shadowy conspiracy out there that is promoting toxic pharmaceuticals and vaccines and preventing natural cures from being used by the people, while simultaneously promoting GMOs to make people sick so that they think they need more of those pharmaceuticals and vaccines and more pliable so that their New World Order agenda faces less opposition. By the time you get to how they’re also using chemtrails as another means of control, AIDS is not caused by HIV, and ebola can be cured with homeopathy, in other words, by the time you’ve been on the cruise a couple of days, you’ll find yourself basically shunned, eating alone at dinner, and drinking alone at the bar. When you sit down at a table, everyone suddenly finds a reason to be elsewhere.

Fear not! There is now a cruise for you. See the Conspira-Sea Cruise next January, embarking in Los Angeles and taking you on a cruise through the Mexican Riviera:

Our “Conspira-Sea Cruise and Seminar-at-Sea” takes place right on our luxury cruise ship during our seven-day cruise, in conference rooms on the ship, and during our port calls in Mexico.

During this incredible, mind-blowing, truth-telling, spiritually enriching event, we will do our best to uncover the truth about things conspiratorial, including:

The purpose of this cruise is NOT about being a victim of conspiracies. It is about taking back our power from corrupt and greedy institutions, attaining true self-authority, and realizing our genuine Self behind the masks. It is about discovering the truth, taking command of our lives, and attaining genuine inner realization.

This cruise will not only uncover the lies. It will show us the truth. As we dispell the darkness, and shine the light of wisdom, we enter the true light of consciousness.

When I first saw this link, I really thought that it had to be a joke, a Poe of some sort. There really couldn’t be a cruise like this, could there? Then I looked at the company organizing the cruise, Divine Travels, which advertises itself as a “gateway to spirtual adventures,” and I had to admit that this Conspira-Sea Cruise is legit and fits right in with Divine Travels’ other cruises, which are loaded with woo, such as a tour of Egypt with Cindy Reed, an energy/spiritual healer, a New Age retreat where you can learn “spiritual healing,” and more. In this case, Divine Travels has outdone itself. Look at this preliminary speaker list. There are antivaccinationists, such as Andrew Wakefield, who, hilariously is listed as a “Vaccination & Autism Researcher”; Sherry Tenpenny, who is listed accurately as an “Anti-Vaccine Activist”; and Toni Bark, described as a “Vaccination Whistleblower.” I know Tenpenny and Wakefield’s activities well, but I didn’t remember who Toni Bark is. So I Googled her and quickly found her website—and with it, some serious quackery, including homeopathy, something called “lipodissolve,” links to quack movies like Gary Null’s Silent Epidemic: The Untold Story of Vaccines, and several appearances on The Gary Null Show.

OK, she fits right in, and I did start to remember her when I saw her picture. For some reason, I don’t recall ever having blogged about her before.

But, hey, you say. Antivaccine conspiracy theories just aren’t my thing. No problem! How about alt-med conspiracy theories. In addition to Toni Bark doing double duty on vaccines and general alt-med craziness, one of my “favorite” quacks (and by “favorite” I mean favorite target of mockery), Robert O. Young, the man who thinks all cancer is due to excess acidity and that his “alkaline diet” will cure cancer and all serious diseases will be there. So will Len Horowitz and Sherry Kane. Horowitz advertises himself as “The King David of Natural Healing” versus “The Goliath of ‘Slash, Burn, and Poison’ Medicine,” while Sherri Kane is a journalist who works with him spreading his message, describing herself as an “investigative journalist, news commentator, psycho-social analyst, and political activist, specializing in uncovering media persuasion and manipulation, conspiracy realities and women’s, children’s, and animal rights issues.” Together, they are collaborating on “Healthy World Organization (HWO), the alternative to the corrupt World Health Organization (WHO), HealthyWorldAffiliates.com, and The 528 Love Revolution advancing the power of the “528 hz” frequency of Love and Healing for a Musical Revolution and Spiritual Renaissance with 528Records.com and i528tunes.com.”

But that’s not all! There are (of course!) anti-GMO activists like Jeffery Smith; HIV/AIDS denialsts, such as Robert Strecker; and “holistic healers” like Dale Allen Hoffman and Dr. Dream. But, hey, medicine isn’t your conspiracy topic. For you, there are—of course!—a whole bevy of “spiritual teachers.” But that’s not all. Don’t think other woo has been forgotten! Oh, no! There are “paranormal investigators,” an “earth advocate” and “global alchemist” (whatever thatmeans) named Laura Eisenhower, and near death experience survivors. There’s Nick Begich, conspiracy theorist who believes that HAARP is a form of mind control. If that’s not woo-ful enough for you, they even have a chemtrails researcher named Sharon Schloss, a crop circle maven named Patty Greer, and an astrologist named Helen Sewell. Truly, I’m hard pressed to think of a form of quackery, pseudoscience, or paranormal nonsense. Oh, wait. There’s no cryptozoology, no Bigfoot maven. Well, it’s still early. Maybe they’ll find someone.

Of course, there are testimonials from previous Spiritual Travels cruises, such as:

“The panel of speakers was by far the best attribute of the trip. The speakers covered a wide array of topics… everything from Angel wings to the modern Nazi regime. It was all around enlightenment.”–D.R.M., Wyoming

“Enlightenment” isn’t quite the word I’d use to describe such a cruise.

When it was suggested to me that a skeptic should sign up for this cruise, I pointed out two things that would disqualify me. First, I’d have to waste vacation time. Second, Andrew Wakefield provokes such a visceral response in me that being in his actual physical presence, particularly on a ship, might actually make me physically ill. Come to think of it, the same can be said of Robert O. Young. Also, as people who know me know, although I would certainly be amused by some of these speakers, I am not very good at hiding my contempt for quacks like Wakefield and Young. After all, a skeptic mole would have to be able to avoid getting kicked off the boat!

Still, if there are any intrepid souls willing to do this, maybe a Go Fund Me page would be able to provide the travel and cruise expenses. I’m sure there’d be blogging material for many weeks. Heck, there might even be enough material for a book!