The only thing more exciting than watching people ride fixed-gear bicycles is watching people edit videos of people riding fixed-gear bicycles, and here is Luke Stiles doing just that. I'm disappointed that nobody has ever asked to photograph me as I blog, since it looks pretty much the same except my computer's much crappier, I take my temperature compulsively, and I don't wear a COC t-shirt. (Sadly, mine disintegrated completely sometime in the late 1980s.) I wonder if Stiles also works pantslessly like I do.

While I'm not exactly the target audience for "Empire," I wish the filmmakers nothing but the best. Really, my only reservation is that projects like this embolden other would-be filmmakers whose connection to the subject matter is more tenuous and contrived. Even though I'm not interested in watching people do tricks on fixed-gears or ride slightly closer to buses than is advisable (apart from the unintentional comic factor of course), I'll certainly acknowledge that these are people who know each-other and ride together in real life. In that sense at least the "scene" is genuine. No, the real trouble starts when you have to troll for riders on Craigslist, as in this posting which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Casting office casting LEAD role in short film that will shoot January 2010. Exact Dates TBD.

Description: Seeking Female, 25 years old. ALL ETHNICITIES. Piercings and tattoos a plus. An INTENSE woman. MUST ride a FIXED GEAR BIKE. This type of bike is a bike WITHOUT BRAKES.

How to Submit:Please email [deleted]@gmail.com a recent photo, a description about yourself & your experience riding a fixed gear bike.

If you don't know any intense women with experience riding a fixed-gear bike then perhaps you shouldn't be making a film about intense women who ride fixed-gear bikes. While the "Empire" crew may be a bit self-interested, at least they didn't have to go trolling on Craigslist for people with an excessive interest in color coordination and hats.

This, apparently, is the "fixie crew," and they're breathing, feeling, and being their way to Brooklyn:

But not before they go to Whole Foods in Manhattan for a bunch of pizza toppings:

There are many different ways to enjoy cycling with friends. Some riders like to meet early in the morning and ride their road bikes for five hours. Others prefer to hoist their mountain bikes from their roof racks and take to the trails. Still others like to do tricks under elevated expressways on fixed-gear BMX/29er hybrids. The "fixie crew" are a bit more genteel--they like to "hit up" the Whole Foods for Brussel sprouts, duck eggs, and cockles:

I should at this point confess that I have only moderate interest in food beyond sustenance. Sure, some things taste better to me than others, but for the most part I'm content to consume more or less the same foods every day, as more than anything else I prize regularity. For this reason many of the comestibles the "fixie crew" gathered were unfamiliar to me. To be perfectly honest, I'm not even sure I knew that ducks laid eggs--I thought they reproduced via mitosis, like elephants. However, one thing I am sure of is that I've never, ever heard anybody say the phrase, "Let's get some kombucha, it may be good for the ride:"

And I've ridden with people from Rapha.

Anyway, fortified with kombucha, the "fixie crew" heads to the register with what must be at least $600 worth of food:

I know this because I once made the mistake of purchasing lunch at a Whole Foods and was horrified when a moderate helping of some sort of Indian dish (even I occasionally flirt with irregularity) cost me four times what it would have cost me at a nearby Indian restaurant. Consequently, I vowed never to return. Fueling your ride with food from Whole Foods is about as cost-effective as fueling your car by spraying premium gasoline in the vicinity of the tank until enough finally trickles in to fill it. Presumably, though, the sponsors are footing the bill, and so the cockle-laden "fixie crew" heads back to their bikes for some riding:

And exploring:

And living:

Besides riding, exploring, and living, I noticed at this point that the guy on the red bike is also coasting, and I wondered how he managed to gain membership in the "fixie crew." I was soon distracted, though, by the NYC DOT's creative spelling of the word "visible:"

Fortunately, the members of the "fixie crew" do manage to stay visible, and they also survive the running of the Hasidic gauntlet along the Great Hipster Silk Route:

Notice the young Hasidic child looking longingly at the rider, knowing that he will never experience the thrill of riding, exploring, and living with a messenger bag full of shellfish. By the way, in case you were worried, the "fixie crew" is still breathing:

Finally, they arrive at their destination:

Where they rendezvous with a guy in one of those wedge-shaped hats:

And begin to make pizza:

The guy in the hat is particularly pleased by the cockles:

Eventually, he produces one tiny pizza with about $75 worth of toppings on it:

Which they are forced to share among four people:

It's a good thing they were riding so slowly, since they couldn't possibly have worked up much of an appetite.

Finally, having "killed" the tiny pizza, they ride off into the "wilds" of gentrified Brooklyn. For some reason, the filmmakers stop flashing verbs across the screen just when they would be most relevant:

I'm looking forward to future installments. Hopefully the next "webisode" will chronicle the "fixie crew's" quest for the elusive $250 hot dog. In the meantime, Specialized have certainly proven that the Globe Roll is indeed the perfect bike with which to "slay" an overpriced food run. If you've got a cockle-shaped hole in your stable or have been thinking about getting a dedicated duck egg bike, it might very well be the bike for you.

Buy it if: You need cockles.

Don't buy it if: You think "duck egg" is a warning and a "kombucha" is an NJS keirin frame.

It couldn't make it through the whole 5 minutes. It was more about making atrocious & pretentious choices of pizza toppings than cycling. (Brussel sprouts and clams? I mean I love each, but not together or on a pie)I want my 3 minutes and my appetite back.

This video is about the most pretentious piece of shit I think I have ever seen. That specialized is using it as marketing makes me embarassed to be in the bicycle business. These precious, trustafarians shopping for the most ridiculous food ever and then riding their silly bikes....it's like watching those douchy episodes of the brady bunch where the kids form a singing group. You can't look directly at the TV while the singing scenes are on the screen for fear that your friends might find out and beat the shit out of you.

Well, they got pretty close to my idea of an epicurean adventure*. We can only hope that by the time summer rolls around, the effete will cease to carry uncooked shellfish in their Chrome bags. I'd hate to see the state of the honey buckets at Prospect Park if this doesn't happen.

here's the recipe for the world's best pizza, which a buddy and I curated while working at a mellow mushroom situated right next to a whole foods (it's eerie how that video seems to be based on me):pizza doughthai peanut saucespinachcheeseshrimpbacon, in that order.if you ever want to make your own, most pizza shops will sell you the dough for 2-3 bucks.

I generally love the idea of a well produced film about bicycling. But this one as annoying me today. Why does anyone care to see a video of some guys riding to a grocery store and a flea market? People who commute by bike do that stuff all the time. But this video makes it feel like it's special because some urban hipsters are doing it. Whatever.

I would love to see Specialized make one of these short films focused on riding Secteur Elite Triples from the Upper West to the Runcible Spoon. The cast would include paunchy financial analysts and project managers.

I had to go back and actually watch the film.All that work for what one small slice of pretentous poseur pie? What did each tiny slice end up costing about ten bucks? Real bikers just go to any hole in the wall, eat a WHOLE pizza by themselves and ride it off in one day.I like the quote" watch the eggs!" Kind of like "watch the head" in the beginning of Spinal Tap.

...i used to think i was part of an exclusive club of like minded, hard ass & hard core, long mile bike riding men & women but nowadays it seems $800 bucks or whatever the fuck the pistadex is set at, a cheap digital video camera & "feelings, nothing more than feelings" (thank you, morris fucking albert !!!) & here we are...just one big happy dysfunctional cycling family...

Hey Luke, if I am not horribly mistaken, I remember you from Intervista back in 96-97. I still recall you explaining that "it all takes care of itself" when someone inquired what happens with your "pants yabbies" when running Bay to Breakers naked. I certainly did not expect to see you featured (if being mildly mocked) on the Snob. Congrats! -Gary G.

ahhhh, comments reminded me of the Serotta vanity bike. Another night of washing my mind. I guess I could wash it with collabo whole foods/capo/special ed videos (which could start a vicious cycle of mind washing)

If that DB only knew that what makes a bike a "race bike" is racing it, which will never happen to that mess.

'Working' 'Thinking' 'Typing' Kramer’s vision of the make-it-yourself pizza restaurant has come to fruition. Don’t think I’d want to do a pizza collabo with this fixie, er…single speed cru though…I don’t like cockles in any food going in my mouth.

First of all, I long for the days when looking for something smoked in the LES meant something else entirely, and secondly, when I first glanced at the shot of the silk route, I thought they were riding by a gaggle (a school? a club?) of penguins. That video sucks balls, and not in the good way.

I've had the exact same freaking thing happen upon trying to purchase some injun food at hole foods. I didn't even go through on a sale though. Had a small portion of chick peas & some chicken over rice, and it rang up at over $10, and so I took it back.

That "Gary G" at 2:42 wouldn't happen to be the great Gary Gnu would it? I've long wondered what had become of him.

Head of French lab dead at 60by VeloNews.comWorld Anti-Doping Agency officials offered condolences Tuesday following the death of Jacques de Ceaurriz, who was widely regarded as a scientific pioneer in the fight against doping in sport.

I've been reading this blog almost since its inception. Over the years, snob has leveled his criticism/sarcasm at a wide range of worthy targets, such as this Whole Foods/Specialized collabro, and many a time I've groaned aloud at the idiocy exposed here.But even given the endless parade of pretentious hipsters, derivative tattoos, and over hyped industry gimmicks, the Serrotta Vanity Bike project highlighted in yesterday's column, was the worst thing I've read about here. It exemplifies all the worst aspects of the sport of cycling, and if I can extrapolate, all that is wrong with America. That Charles Manatan guy should be proud.

Are oysters the fixie of bivalves? Shuck and eat, tongue like living thing on your tongue, zen-like connection, etc. I don't care either way, really. I have derailleurs and all that. Gets the oysters home from the market faster. Also I don't need friends. More friends means fewer oysters.

Also, I am surprised that no one mentioned what visable is. Visible means that you can be seen. Visable means that you are worthy of being looked at. Sadly it can only be judged by the eye of the beholder, so it seldom works out as well as you intend it to. Thus the road to Hell is ridden by hipsters through the Lower East Side.

Trust fundies make me want to spit up. I lived in NYC for two horrible months. I ate in that time, four packets of pasta and four six packs. Thats all I could afford...Bilaves, clams and brocoli? Hmm looks like they forgot the prunes, harissa and imported snail scrotums.

Girl roadies - well that wouldnt be so cute if they used me. Nothing like a tattooed, goth 41 year old woman, riding hell bent on a scratched up Sub , then puking up her sugar free gatoraide by the side of the road because chronic fatigue suddenly hit her immune system.That glamorous for them? Ive got the yellow wristbands , but maybe they just would want pretty, perky chix who wear them for fashion...

Trust fundies make me want to spit up. I lived in NYC for two horrible months. I ate in that time, four packets of pasta and four six packs. Thats all I could afford...Bilaves, clams and brocoli? Hmm looks like they forgot the prunes, harissa and imported snail scrotums.

Trust fundies make me want to spit up. I lived in NYC for two horrible months. I ate in that time, four packets of pasta and four six packs. Thats all I could afford...Bilavea, clamds and brocoli? Hmm looks like they forgot the prunes, harissa and imported snail scrotums.

Trust fundies make me want to spit up. I lived in NYC for two horrible months. I ate in that time, four packets of pasta and four six packs. Thats all I could afford...Bilavea, clamds and brocoli? Hmm looks like they forgot the prunes, harissa and imported snail scrotums.

G'day,I come from a small town in Australia you probably can't even find on the map. I found your web page after searching the web for "bike snob" after me dumb cousin called me one, just cause dad got me a flashy malvern star for christmas and he's only got a sucky repco special (suck eggs Kev ya tosser). Mum cooked us pizza once but it just a frozen ham and pineapple from the grocery store but it tasted pretty good. those guys look like a bunch of wankers to me. if they ever came riding through town me and kev would get all crocodile dundee on their pansy arses.

That video is AWESOME! That is so my lifestyle image! I need those brands!

By the way, I just thought I'd let y'all know I just found this way cool new piece for riding with baggy pants (I know, who does these days, but sometimes ya gotta go with the tweed!). It's a super technical highly elastic polymeric material from South America (dude, not that material from SA!), it's green too, I think they grow it on volcanos cuz they call it 'vulcanized'. Plus they come in all sorts of colorways. I got mine at King Kog for $10 each.

I remember when Ben could be found at the counter writing repair tickets for for Royce Unions with flat tires. Back then he built nice little racing frames, for people who actually raced them and shit, all by hisself - for a couplahunert and change.

He went bankrupt.

Last time I went looking for him to repair a frame mod he'd done for me, he was off doing some CEO type shit.

Are cockles just Manilla clams? They cost about $3/lbs at the Chinese market around the corner... and, unlike Whole Paycheck, are still alive (note ice in W-P shot). While no doubt great on pizza or in a burrito, they're the perfect no-brainer dinner: just through in a pot with an inch of water, beer, butter and some green onion. Steam. Even easier than making ramen noodles... unless one eats said noodles straight from the bag.

These fixie-food-connoisseurs are supposed to be in the first of a series of informative bike vids(according to Specialized). Lessons to be given on flat repairs, rules of the road etc...

The basics for my bike rides, with friends on the west coast, have always been:

1. road bike, helmet, water, spare (or you are not invited)2. planned loop of at least 40 miles(close to 5 miles of friendly warm-up)3. midway point for refueling on longer rides(55+). Consisting of coffee, bagels, smoothies, or muffins.

Cockles and bacon pizza? Street clothing and fixed gear bikes? What a fucking joke. This vid was food snobs that commute by ridiculous fixed-geared-bikes in traffic.

Miles ridden? Riding tips? No, just raising the bar for 'food and beer snobbishness', for all trust-fund-hipsters. (Seems like such a small and worthless audience to target, save their actual ability to buy things at whole foods, cappo, competitive cyclist, rapha, etc..)

Just read about your post on DC and clicked on the link to your blog (haven't read in a long time though dominic still reads).

i had just watched the video on DC and then came over to read your commentary! Fucking hilarious! What a bunch of douche bags w/ a CAPITOL D. i had to turn the video off after about 45 seconds, it was too awful to hear them talk)

and the hasidic jews are a trip, right?

thanks for a good laugh. cockles. it's gonna be a new word around here for sure.

ITTET, curating a meal at Whole Foods is beyond bourgeois, it's like a big FU to the lower classes. I curate my meals from the "under a buck" fast food menu; at least until the stimulus (economic kombucha) kicks in.

Here's a more realistic documentary of hip young people eating within their means: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrs_q3eKTCg

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!