I would go to the party advertised on #20.
I would buy shaving cream from the guy in 30.
Had fun imagining the various crew working on number 43. The smoke tube guy, the flower people, Walt over in wallpaper, that special hot white straight down that the lighting tech got just right. The photographer, "And I think we got it, hold it— hold it!— YES!"posted by carsonb at 9:00 PM on March 29, 2011

Hit post too soon. Was going to say, the really unusable stock photos right now are the ones with phones in them. Unless they were taken yesterday, the phone is going to look outdated. Same for computers. Just hire a photographer, people.posted by emjaybee at 9:01 PM on March 29, 2011 [3 favorites]

I think we can come up with slogans or uses for all of these. I'll start.

Whenever I see something like this or read about a new WTF-type product, I like to imagine myself as a fly on the wall of that photo shoot or pitch meeting. I'm positive these situations would reveal the best examples of "What the hell--nothing to lose!" attitudes the world has ever seen.posted by Fuego at 9:01 PM on March 29, 2011

i'd go to the festival/film #20 is about
gas masks are always awesome, #21
#24 looks like its from some Peep Show/League of Gentleman style British comedy that's actually depressing
#33 is awesome. 'it was then that Bigfoot carried you'.
i think i've been to the gig in #59posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:06 PM on March 29, 2011 [2 favorites]

Wait: if these photos are so unusable, why did they bother to watermark the shit out of them?posted by jeremy b at 9:06 PM on March 29, 2011 [3 favorites]

I really, really want to go through all of them and try to fit an appropriate caption to each.posted by codacorolla at 9:06 PM on March 29, 2011

Tsk, they really should have provided links to the originals. Because there is going to be someone out there who's got a problem that is exactly solved by that image.posted by egypturnash at 9:12 PM on March 29, 2011 [3 favorites]

Within all of our minds, there lies a place we rarely come in contact with. A dormant entity lurks throughout our thoughts and emotions quietly unnoticed - however, there are those of us who perceive this passenger and learn to accept it as a part of ourselves. Dixie Morgan is one of these perceivers. She has come to accept the fact that she shares her mind with another. Over the years Dixie has come to call this unknown entity her Dark Proctologist.posted by codswallop at 9:21 PM on March 29, 2011 [14 favorites]

Hitler. In a red gingham dress. Baking.

Is that really supposed to be Hitler? Not sure...posted by jeremy b at 9:26 PM on March 29, 2011

Yeah, on second look, I guess it is.posted by jeremy b at 9:27 PM on March 29, 2011

There are a bunch of flyers posted all my neighborhood for someone's computer repair business that have an image pretty much exactly like #17, except that in the flyers the fat hairy naked man is chewing on a laptop.posted by hydrophonic at 9:43 PM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've run across some of these at work. We get all sorts of photo requests for ads, so we spend a lot of time searching the stock sites. The most awesome "WTF?" photos get forwarded around.posted by azpenguin at 9:58 PM on March 29, 2011

Hit post too soon. Was going to say, the really unusable stock photos right now are the ones with phones in them. Unless they were taken yesterday, the phone is going to look outdated. Same for computers. Just hire a photographer, people.

Most of these are microstock - stock photography from web based companies with low barriers of entry for contributors and who sell imagery at low prices. Making money doing microstock can be hard - a lot of people adopt a scattergun approach which accounts for a lot of the weird images - but there's one way to make a bunch of money at it, with a very simple formula: every six months submit a batch of photos of models in business type settings with whatever the most modern phones and laptops are.

#6 - Is that Flo from Progressive on the right?
#30 - Definitely could be used to advertise Rip Taylor's nudist colony.
#57 - Will be used as a political ad with the face of the Democratic candidate photoshopped in.posted by Rarebit Fiend at 10:14 PM on March 29, 2011

these are real nice.

#58
may be culturally inflicted suicide - fast food overgulps and the blatant headshot as result.

or it's a real suicide, the poor boy has some fungal fry growth that can't be removed (like the treeman) and there he is, trying to drink his favorite drink but he never can again, solution of course suicide.

or the boy's just a shitty multitasker, he's got all these items and he's just not sure what to do with them, so he crams all the fries in his mouth, absentmindedly holds up the drink cup, and i mean he's gotta do something with the gun so he puts it on up there - of course he has no intention of pulling the trigger because there is no trigger - look at the photo!

but why's he look so surprised I ask myself? it's because it's a brave new world that's why. those fries: yellow, his shirt: yellow, so he adorns himself in the quickest way he knows how, orally (those fries have been fried so long they don't get soggy). he thought he'd solved the problem but then he picked up the cold metallic gun and the cold metallic coca cola cup and know, with deep deep fried fry taste filling his mouth, and identical sensations from different objects in his hands, he's aghast!! the weight of the gun droops it against his head to rest there, he has no control of his movements at this point, you see how the drink cup is perfectly balanced?posted by past at 10:19 PM on March 29, 2011 [3 favorites]

in #28 that woman, who has a fetish for leather, is enjoying the soft touch of her loved texture on an obviously sweltering day. boxing gloves feel very nice, in fact even at high velocity they don't hurt that much, in this photo she's being stroked - a totally free person, escaping strictures of leather friction satisfaction denial. an example for us allposted by past at 10:23 PM on March 29, 2011

#25 that man had only one wish to make and you see what he didposted by past at 10:24 PM on March 29, 2011

My mind told me I had seen #20 actually used in something, but TinEye's results suggest it was only an earlier ironic posting.

#38: I have no idea how these people got their fucking chipmunks wedged into their scanners, or why.posted by dhartung at 10:36 PM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

I just want to say that #13 isn't getting enough love here.posted by gc at 10:45 PM on March 29, 2011

You know, all of these are better than Generic Happy Business People Doing Something Business-Like Now Including Token Minority!posted by maxwelton at 10:48 PM on March 29, 2011

Artw - Yeah, that was the impression that I got too, after having read this earlier today.

For the lazy, it's an askreddit link about how to make money selling photographs. A few answers mention using stock photo sites...posted by jpziller at 10:49 PM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

Every single one of those has "office fridge memo" written all over it.posted by katillathehun at 11:02 PM on March 29, 2011

>> in #28 that woman, who has a fetish for leather, is enjoying the soft touch of her loved texture on an obviously sweltering day. boxing gloves feel very nice, in fact even at high velocity they don't hurt that much, in this photo she's being stroked - a totally free person, escaping strictures of leather friction satisfaction denial. an example for us all

#11: "Try to take the bear again. Just try it. I will headbutt the shit out of you, Jimmy. I've been taking calcium supplements since I was fifty, and my skull is like a goddamned bowling ball made out of Kevlar and your tears. I will end you."posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:00 AM on March 30, 2011

Someone created a frigging website to showcase these photos. And probably paid shutterstock, gettyimages etc. real money to use them. Or if no money changed hand, then at least they are getting loads of traffic for free and possibly also paying customers through the site.posted by sour cream at 6:51 AM on March 30, 2011

These are hilarious. As someone who was a magazine art director for well over a decade, I have spent many hours looking at stock photos & have come across some pretty bizarre images. But these take the cake! And man, do I miss the days of a nice custom photography budget!posted by DizzyLeaf at 6:59 AM on March 30, 2011

Actually, pretty much every one of those would make a good album cover/band flyer.

You know that SNL skit where Tom Brokaw is coming up with every possible way Gerald Ford could've died over the summer, so he can go on vacation? I think that's the stock photography business in a nutshell.

If only there were a picture of a photographer in a nutshell to accompany this post.posted by condour75 at 7:42 AM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]

My company genetically modifies corn. #34 is so my new Gmail picture.posted by maryr at 7:52 AM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ages ago, when you had to buy clip art in overpriced CD sets, I convinced work to buy me some. About 3/4 of them were similar to these. And many seemed to be Scandinavian-specific. Maybe they aren't unusable as much as...European?posted by JoanArkham at 7:55 AM on March 30, 2011

Can somebody explain how this industry works? A lot of these photos look like they would take a lot of money and time to set up. How does that work? I mean, I can see producing tons of photos in the hopes that one of them sells, but it seems like the rate of return would be too low to spend the kind of time that it looks like they did on these photos.

These stock photo companies: Do they hire photographers and own studios and produce these photos? Or are they clearinghouses who buy photos from random photographers? Like, did these end up here because the company was like "By gum, we need a photo of a boxing guy in a little girl's bedroom!" or was that photo taken by some photographer for some purpose, and the client didn't want it so they sold it to a stock photo company?

I'm thinking of captioning it "Drinking of you this holiday season!" or "Orange you glad I didn't forget to send you this card?" or "I'm gagging and retching on rancid holiday frivolity!" or something like that.posted by quin at 8:08 AM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]

Stock photography websites are basically places for photographers to submit their images... They act as the middle man for people looking to buy stock photos. I can't *imagine* what some photographers were thinking in submitting these shots though. Wow.posted by antifuse at 12:08 PM on March 30, 2011

I love the man with the front-butt. I love him. Love him. I am going to use this picture as my desktop. I am also going to send it to all my friends every day.posted by millipede at 12:31 PM on March 30, 2011

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