Saturday, December 15, 2012

Revealed: Blackpool's confidential scouting report on Rovers

On my way out of Bloomfield Road this evening I found a piece of paper - it was a confidential leaked scouting report to Blackpool manager Michael Appleton and a briefing for his team.

"Right, I don't know how to brief you to be honest. On paper this lot, man for man, are a top team. But there's such a bad feeling around the club, and you'll know what that's like from your time at Portsmouth, that we just don't know what could happen. There's this clown Shebby Singh gobbing off about tactics - it's caused mayhem behind the scenes, the players don't know what's going on.

"Absorb a bit of pressure in the first 15 minutes and you'll be home and dry. They're bringing a large following - they've sold out - but they'll soon turn on their team, the owners, and that will get to the players.

"If they've got any sense they'll play Jordan Rhodes with another forward just off him. If they do, then we're in for a tough afternoon. Lately though, they tend to play him on his own up front (I know! barmy).

"They have these young lads up and down the wings, a combination of Lowe, one or more of the Olsson twins, this lad King from Man United who doesn't want to be there, Henley. Let them run around a lot, it won't come to much, as long as we keep a couple of big lads on Rhodes they'll have nothing to aim at.

"There's nothing we can tell you about Vukcevic - a bit of a mystery man.

"Stick a couple of early challenges on Etuhu, he's doesn't fancy it, let him know he's in a contest and he'll be useless. Same goes for Kazim-Richards. Test this young keeper Kean - he's going to be bricking it, so keep the pressure on him in one to ones.

"If we get a corner, just float it towards the penalty spot. Don't worry, you'll be unmarked. Givet might be there, but equally, he might not. You never can tell with him.

"The best news I've heard is that Scott Dann is going to be skipper today. Not only is
he hopeless at set pieces, but his confidence is shot to pieces.

"Make sure you patronise them in the programme notes and pre-match interviews, say they're a top top team, but to be honest this will be a breeze."

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Welcome to The Marple Leaf

I'm Michael Taylor and this is my blog from Marple, where Manchester meets the Peaks. I live here with my wife Rachel and our five sons. It's been a random collection of local issues and personal obsessions since 2006. I'm involved in a few different businesses and I'm Labour's parliamentary candidate for this part of the world. Please feel free to post comments, but keep it clean.

Our simple life

Don't worry about genius and don't worry about not being clever. Trust rather to hard work, perseverance, and determination. The best motto for a long march is "Don't grumble. Plug on."You hold your future in your own hands. Never waver in this belief. Don't swagger. The boy who swaggers - like the man who swaggers - has little else that he can do. He is a cheap-Jack crying his own paltry wares. It is the empty tin that rattles most. Be honest. Be loyal. Be kind.Remember that the hardest thing to acquire is the faculty of being unselfish. As a quality it is one of the finest attributes of manliness.Love the sea, the ringing beach and the open downs.Keep clean, body and mind.Sir Frederick Treves, September 1903, Boy's Own Paper, quoted in The Dangerous Book for Boys by Conn and Hal Iggulden