President Obama is planning on deploying an emergency army of mental health professionals to America's urban centers as we gather in solidarity as a nation and work together to heal the deeply seated pain that now burns inside each and every one of our souls. Jesse James and Kat Von D have broken up again.

For those of you who didn't realize that the pair had reunited after the last time they broke up, I feel sorry for you. You've missed out on these several weeks of unadulterated bliss that can only come from sharing in the joy created when a serial cheater and a serial fiancee appear sort of unhappy in dozens of photographs taken by paparazzi at various B-level red carpet events. [ONTD]

Lady Gaga is premiering a short film during Paris Fashion Week that will feature a new remix of one of her songs and a bunch of other stuff that will probably blow all 14-year-olds' minds. What ca-razy thing will she do next? Maybe she'll give birth to herself in a graphic, Breaking Dawn style montage or lip synch to her song in a room full of furniture that has Lady Gaga's face and long bendy arms, like a Betty Boop cartoon on a bad acid trip. [THR]

Blake Lively has been offered a lead role in the big screen adaptation of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. No word on which of the lead roles she'll take; word has it she'll be playing Pride, but my money's on Zombies. [Digital Spy]

Jennifer Aniston paid $450K for a painting that was expected to fetch $150K at auction. Proceeds went to support Haitian health and education, and a big square that looks like a page of typed words with water spilled on it went home with Aniston. [JCH]

Paris Hilton is launching her line of handbags in India, which is exactly what one would expect Paris Hilton to do in an economically developing nation where half of the population lives below the poverty line. Next on the Paris Hilton Empathy Tour: new line of nail decals in Somalia, followed by a brief stopover in Nicaragua to open up a chain of pet spas. [Digital Spy]

The cover of Drake's new album (which, surprisingly, is not called "Nobody Likes Me; Everybody Hates Me; Guess I'll Go Eat Worms) looks like a parody cover created by Lonely Island and limited Photoshop skills, but it's real! Also real is the note that the Canadian songster penned for his fans, which reads like it was written by the pop music equivalent of Sarah Palin after taking too much Xanax.

Feels like it's been so long. Is life moving so fast in this generation that when we desire something it begins to move in slow motion? Are we just used to getting what we want right away? Or do we require one another to feel right about all that is going on around us? Maybe our anticipation is justified by the fact that we genuinely cannot wait to share a moment again? Either way, your life and mine are scheduled to meet on October 24…I wouldn't miss it for the world.

A contestant from The Bachelor with a Teen Mom name has signed her fetus up with a talent agency. The kid's not going to be born for another 2 months. Also, the kid's name is going to be "Press," after what I had to do to my forehead to prevent a headache after reading that. [TMZ]

Prince Michael Jackson, son of the late Michael Jackson, is auctioning off some of his father's original song manuscripts for charity, one of which proves that the true identity of Prince Michael's mother is most definitely not Billy Jean. [People]

George Cloony's ex, Elisabetta Canalis, is not, I repeat, not on a revenge diet, which is a good thing, as doctors have recently discovered that when you are miserable or angry after a breakup, your ex boyfriend can actually feel your anger. And if you go on a revenge diet, it's like you have turned yourself into a voodoo doll of him and every time you skip a meal, you actually cause him direct pain. That's why being mad and holding onto bitter feelings is really the best thing you can possibly do for the situation. Wes Craven is directing a horror movie about this phenomenon. It's called Revenge Diets and it will star Elisabetta Canalis. [Just Jared]

At the link, pictures of Anne Hathaway in the full Catwoman suit from the set of The Dark Knight Rises. Somewhere, James Franco is beside himself with visible irritation. [ONTD]

Amy Poehler and her cowboy hat wearing two-year-old Archie gallivanted around town wearing kind of matching shirts the other day. Poehler has another child- a one-year-old boy named Abel with husband Will Arnett, which is sort of crazy when you consider the fact that their marriage was the result of a series of escalating dares. [ONTD]

Victor Alfieri, star of The Bold and the Beautiful and Angels and Demons is suing a female movie producer who provided funding for one of his projects and, in exchange, wanted to get some of that sex from him. Alfieri refused the woman's demands that he send her a picture of his "live organ" (ew). She also allegedly got in touch with his mother in Italy to tell her that she and her son were totally doing it. In response, the mother had such a terrible panic attack that she had to be hospitalized. Yikes. [TMZ]http://www.tmz.com/2011/09/25/soa...