Introducing Kink Into The Relationship

So, you’re reading this site because you or your partner might be interested in chastity. You’ve read up to this point what you’re familiar with what is chastity and orgasm denial and you’re interested in knowing more. Or you might have stumbled upon this page because you’re looking to incorporate kink into your relationship, where your partner is seemingly vanilla. Either or, whether it’s just plain kink you’re trying to get into the relationship, or whether you’re looking to embark in male chastity – we’ll cover it here.

It’s a common situation to be in really. Where one partner develops a sexual interest, that may or may not match their partner, and they find themselves in the predicament of whether they should bring it up and hopefully explore that sexual interest, or if they should condemn themselves to silence and misery. Alright, so it’s not that dire, but there are some people that cannot simply ignore their desires and needs for kink play and BDSM and therein is where it becomes a difficult question to answer. Some people’s belief of kink play is to bring in a woman’s vibrator into the bedroom so that they can spice it up. Other people might see kink as bondage, and others might feel that that is light hearted play. This is not a guaranteed way of introducing kink into the relationship, but it can be seen as an encompassing guide on how to talk about it, bring it up, and hopefully achieve a positive result.

Alternatively, you could close this window now, look up something like the next recipe that you’d like to try. This route involves hiding your feelings and desires from your partner and whilst you might be willing to do that because it seems easier in the short term as an avoiding of any stresses on the relationship – it ultimately has a risk of backfiring. Failure to talk to your partner about such desires can result in the significant lack of your own satisfaction as well as stressing the relationship out from a lack of communication.

Opening a dialog is probably the hardest thing to do and it really depends on your communication skills, and your ability to have passionate and intimate communication skills. The aim is to communicate with your partner what the potential is, if any, for BDSM or some related activity to be included into your relationship. It is recommended that you initially avoid blurting out your deepest, darkest, desires and fantasies might be or including all of the details as your partner might become intimidated.

But, how, when and where to bring up such a discussion? You might want to plan a moment when there won’t be any distractions and you’re in a position to talk about things. After sex, or before sex might not be the best of ideas either, because it could be seen as adding pressure, or diminishing their performance. During a couples adult film is also not advised, however, you could bring home a kinky DVD suggest to watch it and see how that goes. Prepare to be both honest and open and understand that there is room for positive and negative responses. The aim is find out if it’s something that they’re interested in. Remembering, that it’s a potential change in the relationship which might have come as a shock to them, but at the same time could be very exciting for them. It’s also not the time to give your partner ultimatums, and that’s regardless of how important it is to you. The first discussion should not involve any ultimatums and should simply be a discussion of what you’re interested in doing, without all the finite details. Let them breathe over it, let them think about it before discussing it again.

If talking openly and outright seems a bit much – then you could leave clues and suggestions around the house. You might be inclined to leave a book out on the table, you might want to bookmark photos with people tied up or talking about kinky and sexy play. Or something similar. There might be a scene on TV that you could bring up and express an interest in, to determine how they’d react. The goal here is to sound them out, see how they might react before talking to them about it explicitly.

Inevitably, there will come the discussion. During the first discussion with your partner you might attempt to understand your partner’s views and attitudes towards your suggestion. Though we do recommend that you start off light. If you’re aiming to head towards a more out there kink, or one that is slightly more hard core, start off with the basics. In the case of male chastity, it’s primarily a transfer of power – so you might want to introduce the idea of your partner taking control in the bedroom rather than making the suggestion to suddenly lock up your cock. Baby steps are the most ideal way to go. The main point of such a discussion is not to go into too much detail, but to listen and view your partner’s reactions.

In such a conversation you also do not want to be asking your partner to join you straight into a session of play, where you’ve already gone out and bought some stuff from your favourite adult store. That’s placing way too much pressure onto your partner and putting them in the uncomfortable position where they have to make a quick, or snap, decision. This may end up putting them in a resentful frame of mind, especially if a play session doesn’t go well. Your aim, again, is to express your general desires, and let them think about it for the future. Keep in mind that being kinky may not just be a form of play – but can absolutely be an alternative lifestyle where it becomes not just a form of play, but a way of acting and changing the sexual dynamics of your relationship. Some might even view it as being an alternative lifestyle of artistic anarchy where you are rebelling against the standard structure of sexual relationships. A relationship influenced by Dadaism in a way.

Now a lot of articles will talk about introducing it to your partner, but what they don’t do is tell you how to look after yourself in such a time. It is quite important that you remain calm, and manage your own expectations during such conversation. You might find that they’re excited and that they’re wanting to try the exact same things, but this is most likely not going to be the reality. It’s natural to potentially feel disappointed at their reaction especially if your ideals aren’t being met. However, consider this; if you have managed to get through the first conversation with your partner being supportive or understanding, then that is a positive step even if they initially show no desire or willingness to take part with you.

It might take your partner some time, perhaps even a considerable amount of time, to be willing to participate with you. In summary, at this stage, the two goals of your conversation will be:

To let your partner know of your general desires for BDSM, and not demanding that they participate

Avoid scaring off your partner.

Alright, let’s follow that up with an example that is relating to chastity. We’ve established that chastity is primarily about control, and the ability to control ones orgasms and sex. The first thing that you’ll need to do is to pick a time of the day where you’re unlikely to be interrupted. This might include your favourite TV show, when your partner is about to leave for work, or even if dinner is about to be ready. From there, it depends on how you communicate with your partner. You might ask them if they have time to spend a few minutes with you. Don’t necessarily throw it as an off the cuff statement. You want them to realise that this is an important discussion for you, and not some casual conversation.

It might be best to start off with something familiar that has happened recently, and add to that what you’d specifically like your partner to know. “Remember that time last week when you were bossing me around in the garage? I really liked that and found that a lot of fun”. If the reaction from this is positive and not negative, then you might want to extend on that by saying that you found the whole situation to be arousing. “It really turns me on when im thinking about you bossing me around and not just in the garage.” Something like this might start off a conversation about what you’re interested in, or they might ask for a clarification. They might be curious and intrigued, in which case you talk to them about it, but keep it general and light to begin with. They might find the idea of being sexually dominant to be fun and arousing – though it is important that they’re recognising the responsibilities of being kinky and sexually dominant. They might even be intrigued enough to offer to do it right then and there, and you certainly shouldn’t be shy in accepting. However, it’s unrealistic to walk in with this exact expectation as it’s quite unlikely to happen.

If you don’t have a starting point to bring up the above conversation style, you might be more interested in just jumping right into it. Saying something along the lines of “You’ve heard of people being blindfolded and tied up yeah?I like the idea of that”. From there you’ll get some indication of the reaction, and if the response is not negative then you follow that up with another statement such as “I find that arousing and hot to think about being tied up and under your control”

That might be the end of the conversation, and if that’s the case then that’s perfectly okay. You might want to end it with something like ‘I just wanted you to know that, because I don’t want to hide anything from you’. The conversation might only be two minutes’ worth of talking, but you’ve brought it up. You’ve survived and that’s okay.

If, you’ve had a couple of conversations, and nothing is moving forward beyond the two goals we mentioned earlier, then stay in control. Remember, manage your own expectations. You don’t want to necessarily express disappointment and negativity that could prevent further conversations. Your goal is to get your partner on board, not to guilt them into anything or form a period of resentment from you.

You’ll want to follow up on these conversations just to check in with your partner a few days later. This will be to determine your partners feelings after they’ve had a few days to think about it by themselves, and they might have a different response, or a more positive response. You could check in them, or you might want to repeat your first conversation to let them know that this is actually something that is important to you and that you’d like to discuss. It is also important to understand that you understand your partners opinions and feelings as well as for them to understand your own.

Depending on how these conversations go, you might be inclined to ask them an open ended question such as ‘how do you feel about this?’ This is an excellent way of allowing them to share their thoughts and feelings on the topic. Remember though, to manage your own expectations. It might not be a positive response, it might not be a negative response, but it is extremely important not to express disappointment and resentment. An open ended question is far better to use, as opposed to one that explicitly asks if they’d like to join in the kink with you. Asking such an explicit and closed ended question, might be too risky because it is seen as being pushy. Avoid yes or no questions that ultimately back your partner into a corner.

If the response has been positive, they might even come to you with questions about BDSM or the activity that you’re interested in. At this stage it might be helpful and beneficial to talk about your desires more explicitly, but still in a tactful way. Once you both feel comfortable about discussing it, at the right moment you might want to ask, “On a scale of 0 to 10 how interested are you with this?” This type of question is awesome because it allows you, and them, to avoid the yes or no dichotomy. If they seem enthused and interested – you might suggest looking at the types of chastity devices together and thinking about one that might fit what you’re both wanting from such an activity.

It’s a delicate balance here of finding out if your partner is interested, without putting them on the spot to decide. You want to keep the conversation flowing, and moving towards your goal, but without adding pressure onto the situation. It might be time consuming, but I assure you it will be well worth the time and effort and it goes a long way into opening up communication with your partner. You might find that your partner is willing to participate with you even if with not as much enthusiasm as you had hoped or planned for. But it might grow over time.

What if it doesn’t go well and your partner is not interested at all. In such situations, remain supporting of your partners decision and remind yourself of their freedom of choice. It doesn’t necessarily mean that that is the end of the story. You might want to bring it up again at a later date, after a week or so and bring up your desire again. Seeing if your partner has the same response. At the very least bringing it up again will indicate to your partner that it’s something that is important to you. If you get knocked back again, and they don’t seem interested or respond negatively to the situation, then wait for a longer period before bringing it up again. Whilst most partners are willing to try things, some might not be because it triggers some memory in them, or there’s an underlying issue. Attempting to bring that up might be beneficial in working your way out of the situation. If there seems to be no recourse, and you’re determined to achieve your goal, well that is a discussion for another article.

Tags

Welcome

About us

Male chastity is a sexual practice commonly associated with BDSM, which sees the cage as a BDSM sex toy. As with most BDSM sexual practices, it draws its roots from a rich and colourful history. They’re pretty much a self-explanatory device, being a belt like device or a cage which sits read more...