Go on, have children. Because stupid stuff doesn't just say itself.

You can’t go far wrong in life if you live by the motto ‘what would Beyonce do’ but seeing as I lack my own collection of glittering thigh high boots and couture leotards at the moment, and Lee almost certainly doesn’t know all the words to Big Pimpin’ (poor life choices), we decided not to…

And in the distance, the promise of hillsides Run up the mountain Rub your face in the soil Skim this waters’ surface, mirrored like foxed glass reflecting perfection which can’t be captured. Like trying to eat the air. To inhabit a mountain. I am not big enough for this landscape of moonsongs and midges It…

I have invented a new type of gun. My new type of gun is called a “nuclear bomb gun”. It will literally annihilate the entire earth when detonated, and be available for any American citizen to purchase, as is their god given right under the second amendment, should they need to protect themselves from others…

I’m thinking of opening up my house as a weight loss clinic, after last week I lost 5.5lbs in as many days. My weight loss clinic is going to be called The Victorian Krankenhaus Poorhouse, and rather than having to do anything difficult like stop eating sugar you just turn up, lick our work surfaces…

Home. I feel these hills in my bones Love stretched taut Over the skeleton Of Froggatt Edge This sun blazed face On the right side of the valley The colour of these rocks is my soul Dreich As the Scots But grit, enduring As Edensor blue Fin cop Higger tor White sky Winter…

Who is this idiot?

I'm a human, a lady, a mother of two. I have no spare time, but if I did I would fill it with worthwhile pursuits - juggling, knitting human hair into blankets, scratching the itches of others, dancing, hewing tables from slabs of rock; that sort of thing. Just your average dickhead really.