When I think of sexy, I don’t exactly think of oodles and oodles of children just spilling out of a sad vagina the size of the Grand Canyon. But I guess when it comes down to it, the babies had to be made with traditional penis-vagina intercourse before they could come spilling out — so who better than Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar to give you tips on how to keep the “spark” alive?

The stars of TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting gave an exclusive to Today Moms with these “Seven Tips For Keeping Your Marriage Sexy,” when plugging away at the same boring old mate year after year after year:

1. Say yes to sex, even when you’re tired. Michelle says a friend gave her advice to live by before she and Jim Bob married in 1984: “She said, ‘In your marriage there will be times you’re going to be very exhausted. Your hubby comes home after a hard day’s work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking forward to that time with you.'” — she’s talking about sex, just so everyone’s clear — “‘Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.'”

If you spoke to some professional ladies of the night, I’d think they’d probably have some contrasting opinions on just how many people can fill that “physical need of love.” But more importantly, WHO IS THIS WHORE MAKING HIS LUNCH?

2. But give it a rest sometimes. It’s not all sexytime at the Duggars. They abstain when Michelle has her period, and also after childbirth: 80 days before sex if it’s a girl, 40 days after a boy. (The timeline for abstinence after childbirth is loosely based on Old Testament traditions, but is more about what works for their marriage than about observing religious law, the Duggars say.) A bit of abstinence, they’ve found, does make the heart grow fonder.

No period sex? Pffft. Amateurs. Just when I thought these people might be freaky. I’m guessing they’re not interested in seeing what “brown” can do for them, either.

3. Treat your wife like a queen. Lest you think Duggar romance is all about the baby-making, they note that emotional intimacy is important, too. Even in the whirlwind of raising 19 kids, they do little things like sending each other “I love you” texts, calling each other “Sweetie,” and kissing in the kitchen. Jim Bob seems to put Michelle on a pedestal; and to be fair, she does the same to him.

If I sent my husband a random text that just said “I love you” he’d probably just spend the rest of the day trying to figure out how I f*cked up the car this time.

Say what you want. 19 kids in and they still have the energy to get it in. And don’t knock having a ton of the little shits. It’s called built-in babysitter slave labor, and when you and the wife need to get the fuck away (even if it’s a quickie behind the dumpster) you won’t need to bust out the Benadryl/locked nursery door combo.