Category: 2018

[Starts with Colin Jost in the news set. There’s a picture at left top corner of SpaceX]

Colin Jost: SpaceX launched a rocket into orbit carrying the cremated remains of a hundred people. Unfortunately, they weren’t cremated when it launched.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of Earth]

Michael Che: Two new studies about accelerated greenhouse emissions find that the earth will be impacted by global warming sooner than we thought. God bless these scientists and researchers that are still studying this thing that we just refuse to listen to. We’re like a stubborn old man at the doctor’s office and they’re pleading with us, “Sir, you gotta quit smoking”. “Kiss my ass, I like cigars.”

[Picture changes to Kevin Hart on Oscar stage] Well, that was short. Kevin Hart had to step down as host of the upcoming Academy Awards because of homophobic tweets from 2011. Didn’t the Academy nominate [Picture changes to Mel Gibson] Mel Gibson for an award just last year? [Picture changes back to Kevin Hart] Also, if Kevin– Thank you. I love when there’s a black lady in the audience. Also if Kevin Hart isn’t clean enough to host the Oscars, then no black comic is. The only black comic I know that’s cleaner than Kevin Hart is booked for the next three to ten years.
[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ‘The Little Mermaid’]

Colin Jost: An Acapella Group at Princeton University has stopped performing the song “Kiss the Girl” from “Little Mermaid” after the student newspaper, said the lyrics promote toxic masculinity. Also, it just sucks to hear a bunch of white guys sing like [Picture changes to a red crab from the cartoon Aerial] a Jamaican crab.

[Picture changes to bull fighting with China’s flag] A new version of bull fighting has started in China in which participants use their hands instead of swords. That’s how many extra people they have.
[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race” and British flag]

Michael Che: A British version of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” will begin airing next year on the BBC. And because it’s Englsnd, their penises will be tucked on the right side.

[Picture changes to map picture of Florida and a marijuana leaf] A man in Florida was arrested for selling marijuana, claimed that he was only doing it to buy better Christmas Gifts for his children. Replied his children, “Just give us the weed dad”.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ice pick]

A Utah man was arrested after he got into an argument and hammered an ice pick through the other man’s penis. Hey, it’s like they say, never bring a penis to an ice pick fight.

[Starts with Colin in his news set. There’s a picture of Tushy company’s product]

Colin Jost: New York city subway officials have rejected an ad from the company Tushy, which sells modern bidets saying the ads didn’t meet their decency standards on the subway. For more on this is—wait, Michael Che? [Michael comes in the set]

Michael Che: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Wait. Michael, wait. What are you doing?

Michael Che: An Update feature.

Colin Jost: Wow.

Michael Che: So this is “SNL”.

Colin Jost: Wait, Che, I told you this was a bad idea.

Michael Che: Thanks Colin. [Cut to Michael] So I think these subway ads are great. People need to know about bidets. I just got one and it changed my life. It’s glorious. Food tastes better. I can jump higher. I want children now. I’m a better person. You know, the first time I used it, I cried. And not even because I was emotional, because the water went so far up, it came out my eyes.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Oh, god. Dude—

Michael Che: I know, I must have set the pressure too high, man. That thing sprayed me like it was trying to remove graffiti.

Colin Jost: No one wants to hear about this.

Michael Che: Shut up, Colin, you white guy! It’s better when Leslie does it. [Cut to Michael] Look, this bidet is a game changer. Gone are the days of me penguin walking to the sink with my pants around my ankles trying to wet some tissues like a fool!

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] You know they mare wipes.

Michael Che: Baby wipes? First of all, that’s terrible for the environment and you should be ashamed of yourself. Not to mention baby wipes just don’t work as well. [Cut to Michael] Using baby wipes are like eating chicken wing with a fork and a knife. But a bidet, that’s putting a whole drumstick in your mouth and pulling out a clean bone. [Cut to Michael and Colin] I’m whistling.

Colin Jost: That’s way too descriptive. Can you please, do you think these ads from bidets should be allowed on the Subway?

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael] I think they should only be on the subway! You know how miserable the subway is? That’s where people need a little splash of hope the most. Besides what better metaphor for a bidet than a whooshing train zipping through a dirty tunnel? [Cut to Michael and Colin]

Colin Jost: Did you need an entire feature for this?

Michael Che: Maybe.

Colin Jost: Are you done?

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael] No. Sometimes I put on propeller hat and then turn on the Bidet and try to make it spin on the top.