Absurd things you say to your kids.

“Don’t grab at the cat. She is the last survivor of her clan and worked as a janitor at Hogwarts. Respect her.”

“If you fart in the car, because of science you will be catapulted into outer space, where there is no Wii U. And Dora the Explorer will face jail time.”

“Shoplifting is illegal. That means you can’t just take a Mars Bar or Snickers whenever you feel like it. Toilet paper is okay, though, we’re always running out of that shit and it should be government-funded.”

“If you touch the DVR, the monster under your bed will scarf the last of the Halloween lollies you’ve stashed behind your Pokemon card collection and force-feed you asparagus. With a mushroom-and-blue-cheese starter salad.”

“What is sex? Sex is when Mummy and Daddy have three minutes alone and Daddy got locked out of his Surface Pro.”

“Don’t touch those — they are not chocolate truffles. Godiva is the grownup name given to camel testicles.”

“Go. To. Sleep. If you don’t sleep, the planet will implode, which is unfortunate, because you’ll have to go and live with Matt Damon or those butt-headed people on Star Trek that you shouldn’t know about because you were supposed to be in bed. There is no Minecraft on Mars.”

“If you punch your father in his no-no bits one more time I’m calling an exorcist!”

“Where do babies come from? Babies come from… the store. You pick up a box mix, just add water and two eggs, and bake at 150 degrees for nine months...”

“How many times must we discuss this?! Cauliflower, cottage cheese, and salmon are meant to be consumed. Socks, Play-Doh, and Mummy’s earlobes, however, are not edible. Spongebob Squarepants wouldn’t stand for this — and we shouldn’t upset him; his jaundice indicates a liver problem.”

“When you grow up, you must come home and visit Mummy. And you must bring her hugs. And also vodka.”