Audioccult Vol. 46: Papal Games

Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA

Startling results in Xcommunication Games
The Associated Press – 2 days ago

VATICAN CITY (AP) — Faces upturned, the crowd gathered below the Vatican watch with anticipation. The first three cardinals to compete have been absolutely smoked in the freestyle motocross by the mysterious Masked Cardinal, leaving behind nothing but steaming puddles of Riptide Rush and no doubt as to the winner. Still, one burning question remains on the crowd’s collective mind: who is this handsome, incredibly toned challenger?

VATICAN CITY (AP) — On the decks, the line of cardinals were in top form, spinning a soul-gratifying mix of EDM favorites as Vatican MC Guido Marini presided on the soundboard. Birettas bobbing, each seemed wholly engaged in the ancient ceremony of keeping the dancefloor filled while Marini shined the crowd on with airhorn blasts and extra omnes. Disaster struck, however, when Diplo gave a rather unorthodox “guest” appearance. Scuttling down the walls of the cathedral, he then proceeded to leap into the booth and vomit forth a clot of 2 Chainz homunculi. As the gibbering miniature rappers scuttled across the stage, ripping out wires and shrieking their name in high-pitched voices, Diplo himself was seen wrapping up Cardinal Vinko Puljić in a gossamer embrace before ascending with his prize back into the rafters. An attempt to stop him resulted in several temporary losses of vision, as the homunculi began spitting lizard venom just as the beat dropped.

A new Pope has been chosen
The Associated Press – 1 hour ago

VATICAN CITY (AP) — Blasts of smoke and pyrotechnics billow forth from the Sistine Chapel as newly selected Pope Francis I bursts onto the balcony, grinding the railings in an impulsive Shredmas celebration. The watching crowd below was suitably freaked out, though the watching cardinal conclave behind him less so. “His absolutely phenomenal vertical skills may have won him the papal authority, but he faces a long road ahead of him,” said Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi. “There’s more to being the Pope than just showing off your sick calves and air supremacy. Who knows what challenges he’ll have to face next…?”

MACKAY, Idaho (AP) — In a downtown studio apartment, 20-year-old Adam Carpenter pauses his X-Box game and turns to his friends. “Hey, guys,” he says excitedly, “What if the Pope smoked weed, you guys?”