God’s Blog – 3-16-2010

I thought God might be pleased with the Texas education board putting him into their textbooks (he likes to try to stay ahead of Paris Hilton in popularity) but he instead asked me to publish this blog for Him:

Okay, I may be Old Testament School but though I’m flattered that some Texans would rather have me in their schools than gravity, I’m not comfortable going back into the classroom. I can’t fit my legs under those desks anymore and…my teen years were a bit awkward, I’d rather not be reminded of them.

This situation’s made clear that there are a few misunderstandings about me so I think now may be a good time to clear up some of them:

a. I am not American

Okay, maybe I was the first and most primal American Idol but I’m not American. That doesn’t mean I have a Nigerian birth certificate either. It’s like that old joke about Lincoln being born in a log cabin that he helped his father build, how could I have been born in a country on a planet that I created? So if I wasn’t born in America and I haven’t married an American woman (you should see my eHarmony profile, “Seeking a married virgin to get pregnant but not looking to leave her husband.”) , I don’t even have a green card.

How could I be American? I mean, I’m supposed to be everyone’s God, you know? How would Americans feel if I told them I was Canadian and liked them best? I do like back bacon but the bottom line is that I can’t hold a passport from any nation because my head shot would be way too big to fit on one.

b. I am not an advocate of capitalism.

Believe me, after I lost a bundle in the tulip crash, the stock market crash, the dot com crash, the housing crash, I’m capitalismed out. I really don’t know where folks got the idea that I favor any economic system. When you’re eternal, you don’t even have a concept of possession. What someone owns right now will eventually be someone else’s after enough time passes. Everything that’s physical today will eventually be transformed into something else. Except Twinkies…those damn things last forever.

Are folks really asking themselves, WDWJII (What Derivatives Would Jesus Invest In)? Like lots of people losing their homes and buried in credit card debt, my son was totally down on the money changers. He didn’t have a single credit card, really.

He and I pretty much see eye-to-eye on this, economic systems shouldn’t be worshiped. They should just be tools for making the lives of the most people the best they can be. If they’re not working great to do that, they should just be changed until and so they do.

The way some down there are about capitalism is like insisting on wearing the same bikini that fit 20 years and 30 pounds ago. It really doesn’t fit America like it used to, it’s come apart at the seams and needs to be mended. And adding a bit of Spandex wouldn’t hurt.

c. I don’t want to be President of the U.S.

No offense to Pres. Obama or any presidents before him but for me, that would really be a bit of a job demotion from omnipotent lord of all creation, you know? And can you imagine the way I’d be attacked if I ran? “He doesn’t stop the devil, can we trust him to stop Bin Laden?” or “He’s almost as old as John McCain, his VP is just one Atheist’s argument away from becoming president”.

Actually, I have an appreciation for the separation between church and state…really miss that, anyone know whatever happened to it?

d. The Devil is not responsible for the things and/or people you don’t like.

Many people blame The Devil or demons possessing people for things that happen or are said that they don’t like. They would be correct more often blaming bad things on high fructose corn syrup.

The truth is that Satan’s been going through a bit of depression lately, it’s a bit of the Empty Nest syndrome. Enough little evils have grown up in enough people in the world, Satan just doesn’t feel needed anymore. I don’t want to say he’s become very needy but every time I see him he asks, “Do these horns make my face look fat?”

So, just try to think of me like your parents. Humanity has grown up, moved out and is living in its own apartment. It can stay up late and party without regard for the consequences, it can be conscientious and dedicated to doing well at its work, it can care about its neighbors and help them or steal their Sunday newspapers.

Humanity can always call me to talk, I know my advice isn’t always wanted and I’m okay with that. Other times, I know how appreciated it is.

I won’t interfere in Humanity’s life and I only ask one thing of it, please no more ties on my birthday, I’ve got a whole closet of them and honestly, I never wear them.

Thanks Hito! My 6 year old daughter is already a Python fan. I think her favorite is silly walks.

As for God, I have it on good authority that God has the complete Python DVD collection and especially loves, “The Meaning of Life”.

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9 years ago

Member

HITO

The “Twit” olympics still get me giggling, Adlib.

Jumping over the matchboxes laid out on the lawn…too funny.

I cut a day in high school to go see “The Holy Grail” at the only theatre in Manhattan that was showing it. Catholic girls in uniforms prowling the Waldorf Astoria area based on a rumor “they” were staying there. We all had the hots for Michael Palin. Good memories.

Vox Populi is different now, and since California is now on Arizona time, I am going to make it!

Well, as long as my dial-up allows.

We don’t do the debate thing anymore but discuss things in a free-for-all style and if AdLib runs it and then leaves, well, all hell breaks loose and the spitballs start flying and the boys tug on our pigtails!

LMAO

Am doing good, thank you for asking, and how are you?

And those of us here are still giving it our all!

Although, I do seem to be a troublemaker at times but they still keep me!!!

LMAO

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9 years ago

Member

HITO

You made me laugh. I needed that. Thanks.

Went over to FRT and HP today. I keep thinking “What’s happened to us?”. We were so smart and powerful back then and we were united for the cause. I miss those days.

Rut-roh, AdLib – does God have any comments regarding the Vatican blaming Satan and calling in their # 1 exorcist to address all the abuse scandals happening in Europe?

At the very least, maybe Satan will get a long-needed laugh at the exorcist working his magic over the pedophiles and other abusers.

And isn’t it just the cutest little thing that the # 1 Satan-eradicator blames women for all the naughtiness?

You say you hadn’t been aware the Vatican even had an official exorcist? Thought that stuff was just for Linda Blair movies? That’s likely because, prior to last week, the Vatican had permitted its exorcist to grant one interview in the entire last century. Now, suddenly he’s doing the rounds like he’s got a new rom-com with Gerard Butler opening Friday.

Speaking to La Republica last week, Amorth, who in fact does have a new book, “Memoirs of an Exorcist,” to shill, said, “When one speaks of ‘the smoke of Satan’ in the holy rooms, it is all true

There’s no video to this one, javaz — it’s just a photo. I think your story makes a perfect caption!

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9 years ago

Member

BigDogMom

So God, asking for a pox on both their houses for these Christianistas is out?

Oh, and send Satan my regards, thinking of him, a lot of people are going through tough times now. Many have been made redundant like he during this recession, tell him to keep his horns up, something will come up for him. Taking up a hobby or volunteer work is great therapy, will keep his mind off his troubles. Tell him, this too shall pass…..

Over last weekend, I was thinking to myself (a real chore for me to begin with), seriously though, I was thinking to myself it was about time to hear from God. Surprise! And although he was out of town, of course in my case he always is, he read my mind. I’m so glad he caught me thinking to myself because he expresses all my jumbled thoughts much more eloquently than I.

So, God, do you mean some of the OTHER things they put in the textbooks aren’t true, either? Our first president, Ronald Reagan, DIDN’T chop down the cherry tree because a bunch of commies were hiding up there?
I just don’t know who to believe any more!

It is very confusing. My school used textbooks created for Texas while George Bush was Governor.

I still embarrass myself whenever I discuss history with anyone.

I went most of my life thinking that Dredd Scott was about a guy named Scott people didn’t like who crashed parties and Teapot Dome was a space-based missile defense system that protect Tea Party protests.

Thanks for weighing in on my home state’s crazies. I mean, aren’t textbooks boring enough, without putting all their Republicrap in it? It was enough for me to ALMOST take Your name in vain. Instead, I used Your old pal, DICK Cheney. I mean, he shot his friend IN THE FACE here in what we call “God’s Country”, and THEN got his friend to apologize for it! Whack, right? But being as You put me here, Lord, (and I do sing “Why Me, Lord?” to You – can’t You have given me a better voice???)- why can’t You put brains into some of these folks’ heads? It’s not all about the hair………..or is it?

God has also explained that there are two chutes to slide down from heaven to be born, one says, “Brains + Compassion + Wisdom”, the other says, “Thick Hair”.

Well, we all have to live with our choices.

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9 years ago

Member

AlphaBitch

So that explains the phenomena we know as Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, Sen. Joke Corndog and Gov. Rick Goodhair Perry! But what up, Dude, with that Porky Pig lookalike, Karl “Hair the Color of Flesh” Rove?

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9 years ago

Guest

LiseLives

It’s not all about the hair …or is it ? LOL –
& your hair’s fine ….(oops, sorry), great 😀

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9 years ago

Member

AlphaBitch

Thanks, LL. And yours is lovely as well. Even though you seem to have the Brains+Compassion+Wisdom combo slide (see above). You got it all!

😆 I’d rather not, they are so full of the brown stuff themselves and we have enough problems. Tell him that I appreciate his concern though. I thought he had been on an extended vacation since last year, he won’t pick up his phone and I’ve left dozens of messages.

I’ve just named the blockage “Shit-for-brains Stupak” he’s a Dem but sounds and smells like a Repub.

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9 years ago

Member

AlphaBitch

Kalima:

Be VERY CAREFUL not to let “Joe the Plumber” in! He’s a crazy in plumber clothing! You’d be better off with “pipe poo in the loo” than that nut in your house. (Although that’s just my opinion, and I don’t claim to speak for God)

I love this AdLib and think you’ve got to be the best Voice of God maybe EVER. As for that credit card thing – never did think either God or Jesus had pockets. Where would they carry it? Right up there with ties.

I just wish God were more inclined to intervene. I’m getting tired trying to talk sense to people. No one listens. He must be vastly MORE tired of it though since he must be barraged by a lot more people. Of course if he DID talk, no one who needed to hear would listen to him any more than they listen to me. He’s just too sensible.

From what I understand, Jesus was offered a Master Card but was too humble to take it.

God did say in an email that the whole purpose of humanity’s gift of free will is that people get to decide the course of events for themselves.

He does seem a bit embarrassed about always being praised by lottery winners, survivors of disasters and winning Superbowl quarterbacks for their good fortune. He swears he never intervenes in the course of human events.

I think I knew that about Marisa, but the rest, yup. Free will. Possibly a big mistake in one so infallible, but hey. Worth a shot.

I am pretty sure Alpha is right about the hair, too. If God made everything, why fine, fly-away hair? My beef is that my brother got the great hair. On the other hand, he’s going bald, so I no longer care.

I do believe Jesus would have turned down a Master Card. He made it pretty clear that capitalism was not even a twinkle in his eye or God’s either.

How did we lose the good stuff God made up? You know those Old Testamentarians (I never call them Christians when Jesus is just a ‘get out of jail free’ card for them) don’t have a clue that God and his early people actually had pretty cool economic laws that worked for justice.

Now if the Texans want to be Biblical, why not head to Deuteronomy and follow all that? Or the non-icky parts of Leviticus? It teaches even the highest born to be just, to forgive debts, to leave good food after the harvest for those in need, to treat the land with reverence, to share with all, to pay the working person fairly. All that is the guideline for a good and just life, but I don’t see the Texas bunch incorporating THAT into their Bible thumping, do you?

I bet God is mad about that omission. It was a whole book, for crying out loud! There are over 3000 verses about caring for the poor and fairness in our society. But this obsession with OTHER people’s sexuality – four lousy verses about not exploiting people for self gratification, and wham, bang you have an entire political philosophy of scapegoating. Entirely backwards, IMHO.

Poor God. Those who use him to get ahead, to prove their superiority, to make themselves look good – these are precisely the people God did NOT want to use his name at all. Every one of their prayers is taking God’s name in vain.

And if Jesus ever came back, they’d revile him, deny him, and kill him just as before, because they are the modern Pharisees who preach the law (though not abiding by it) and ignoring the spirit. Rules not reason, legalisms not love, judgment not grace. They would never accept him at all. Just look at all the prophets who tried to move us toward a world of universal love and inclusion who’ve been mowed down by “good Christians”.

No – that free will thing was definitely a borderline call. I hope we don’t fall entirely over the side. But it’s not looking good, is it? Maybe God will or has started over again somewhere else. I wish them a much better time of it. We’ve sure messed it up.