Today started out with much promise… I wore my newly purchased black and red kimono-style top with silver accents with long dangly beaded earrings – an outfit guaranteed to garner me a large number of second glances. Even my (completely) platonic guy friend from work was checking me out, which of course does a girl’s heart (or her vanity, whichever) tons of good. I was still on a bit of a high from the 3 hour Yahoo conversation I had with a new match – I had sent him an ice breaker a few weeks back, and he just now responded, but he claims he didn’t get it until now, so I suppose I can forgive him. He is a graduate student in addition to working full time, so I suppose I will call him the Over-Achiever. He asked me a number of questions during our conversation that could have been answered by reading my profile, so I’m not sure exactly what his motivating factor is… maybe he just saw the cute headshot and dove in. As someone who likes to do her research and weigh all possible pros and cons before diving into anything I have a hard time figuring that kind of mentality out, but maybe I need someone in my life who can jump first and think later. (Goodness knows I’m not going to.) Anyway, we traded numbers, so who knows?

However, by the time the morning had passed I was feeling pretty low. I love this time of year, the world is waking up, my energy starts flowing, I have the desire to do all kinds of things, all at once. Take a road trip, go camping, climb a mountain, write a novel, bake, learn a new programming language – there are so many options I feel overwhelmed. What I really want is someone who will be there with me though… someone who will enjoy the spring with me, tell me I’m pretty in my black/red/silver outfit, and who will hold me when I start my quarter-life angsty worrying crap, and remind me that I have plenty of time to conquer the world.

I thought I had that once. In college I had a friend who I thought was perfect for me – he was smart, tall (very important), he loved children, he was funny, his family was adorable. We moved from best friends to boyfriend/girlfriend almost seamlessly it seemed (though much later than I would have liked), and were together for almost 3 years. During that time we got engaged, and were in fact only a few months from the wedding when he called it off. He didn’t love me, in fact he had feelings for another friend of ours. I’m not totally sure I loved him either anymore… but I have always believed that the first infatuation does not last, that what you are left with is a mutual respect and affection that will allow you to live your lives together as partners. I think I thought this was what had happened to our relationship, however looking back I can see that we both had very large issues that would have prevented us from ever making good partners. I tried to help him, he saw it as control. He wanted to stay in his little town in his little rut and never leave, I wanted to see the world. Twice, if possible. It’s been over a year since we broke up, and while I have been over him for quite a while, I have just now gotten to the point where I felt like I could be in a relationship with someone else. A few bad dates have not changed this hope.

While I don’t want him back, I do desperately miss the feeling of having another half, of not going it alone. Tonight when I got home from work and sat and talked to my cat I felt like the most pathetic human on the planet. I like looking pretty (which I generally know I do, a few extra pounds or not), but I LOVE the look in my partner’s eyes when I’ve made a special effort and I know it has a certain, shall we say, effect on him. I want someone to feel proud that I belong to him… and I want to feel the same way about him.

I know I am strong enough to be alone, and most of the time I am ok, but I really never thought I would be single at this age (I know, I know, I’m only nearly 25, but still, it’s true), my parents married young (too young, really), and I just always thought I would too. I love the idea of having a family, kids, all that good stuff, and I know it will happen, but I like to be in control, and I HATE not knowing when my southern geek boy will come along.