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Thursday, January 26, 2017

Thank you so much to all of the people who have bought our book and the wonderful 5 STAR reviews that have been posted. We tried not to sugar-coat the reality of this true story.

So many Facebook posts and emails have been received from abuse survivors thanking Cheryl and Rob for having the courage to tell it like it was, and encouraging them to not let what happened, no matter how bad, to define them.

There is no question that these experiences are horrible, like the worst nightmare you could ever imagine. And healing is extremely hard, but receiving the message that they are not alone and there is hope for a better life is the reason Cheryl and Rob went through their own paid of writing the book--to reach out to others who find themselves in abusive situations, and to stimulate awareness in those who have never experienced abuse.

My Story of Delayed Trauma

I’ve been a freelance writer for 12 years. I’ve written on topics ranging from heart stents to luxury watches to toxins in the home. When I started writing for DomesticShelters.org, I saw it as an assignment. An important assignment, mind you—a way to bring awareness to a worthy topic and a chance to help someone. But still, an assignment nonetheless.

It wasn’t until three months in, as I was conducting the interview for "Survivor Story: Jessica Houston," that something clicked that I had never been conscious of before. I completed the interview and hung up with Houston. And I sat in front of my computer and sobbed. I had just realized I was a domestic violence survivor.

While the relationship with my abuser had ended more than five years prior, I had never labeled it domestic violence. It was bad, sure. He was possessive and controlling, interrogating me every time I left the house. “How can it possibly take more than 30 minutes to get an eyebrow wax?” he’d ask. “Who did you sit next to in your meeting today?” He made me feel so guilty about doing anything that didn’t involve him that I sacrificed relationships with my mom and sister even though, previously, we had been close. I was not allowed to have friends.

Even when he stood over me and clapped loudly for 45 minutes one night to prevent me from going to sleep, threatened to kill one of my loved ones or abandoned me during a trip in the middle of downtown Chicago (his hometown and a place I’d never been), it didn’t occur to me that what he was doing was abuse. After all, he’d never hit me.

This is an excerpt from a story about incest that was published in the New York Times. It is a perfect illustration why victims often do not go to the authorities to report the crime of rape. Certainly 2 months in jail was a ridiculous sentence for a man who raped his own daughter. And to compound matters, the wife pleaded for leniency. She did not want her husband to spend 25 years in jail. What about the young victim who will spend her life in a jail in her mind? Where are her rights?A judge who sentenced a Montana man to 60 days in jail for incest with his 12-year-old daughter is facing a firestorm of criticism and an impeachment effort by those who view the sentence as far too light. The state had recommended the 40-year-old father of three serve a 100-year prison sentence with 75 years suspended — in effect, 25 years — and the dismissal of two other incest charges as part of a plea deal.

"A father repeatedly raped his 12-year-old daughter,” the Valley County deputy attorney, Dylan Jensen, said during the sentencing hearing on Oct. 4, according to reports.

But in handing down his sentence, Judge John C. McKeon of Valley County District Court noted that lawyers for the defendant could argue for a less-severe punishment if an evaluator recommended treatment in a local community.

Weighing the evaluation and several other factors, Judge McKeon imposed a 30-year sentence, all of it suspended so long as the man met certain terms. The defendant must also register as a sex offender.

“The sentence may not be a popular decision by certain members of the general public, but it is a just and proper decision,” Judge McKeon wrote.

To critics, however, the decision represented a breakdown in the system

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

This post is intended to clarify why abuse victims are so
often accused of lying by people who have limited knowledge or contact with
abuse victims. The common complaint is that it probably wasn’t real because it
was never reported. While measuring rates of sexual violence can be difficult,
there is no uncertainty in the national data that the majority of sexual
assaults are never reported to police.

It is believed that only 15.8 to 35
percent of all sexual assaults are reported to the police.

U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, M.
Planty and L. Langton, “Female Victims of Sexual Violence, 1994-2010,” 2013;
Wolitzky-Taylor et al, “Is Reporting of Rape on the Rise? A Comparison of Women
with Reported Versus Unreported Rape Experiences in the National Women’s
StudyReplication,” 2010

A survivor’s relationship with the offender has a strong
effect on the likelihood of reporting.

•When an offender is an intimate partner or
former intimate partner, only 25 percent of sexual assaults are reported to the
police.

•When an offender is a friend or acquaintance,
only 18 to 40 percent of sexual assaults are reported.

•When an offender is a stranger, between 46 and
66 percent of sexual assaults are reported.

So here is what verified statistics tell us about reporting
rape or abuse. The incestual rape that Cheryl experienced while still a child
fits so many of the criteria listed above. Please consider the facts before
pointing the finger. If there were less repercussions for the innocent victims,
maybe there would be more reports.

Due partially to low reporting rates, only 9 percent of
all rapists get prosecuted. Only 5 percent of cases lead to a felony conviction.
Only 3 percent of rapists will spend a day in prison.The other 97 percent walk free.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

This article is copied from the website of Network of Victim Assistance (NOVA)So often people who have not "been there" can't understand why the victim doesn't seek help or report what is happening. This might help to clear up the "why."

Overview

Incest is one of the least talked about crimes in today’s society. For centuries, incest has been an almost international taboo and remains so today. Incest is defined as sexual contact between persons who are so closely related that their marriage is illegal (such as parents and children, uncles/aunts and nieces/nephews, etc.). A victim of incest may have been exposed to:

Sexual contact or interaction between family members

Oral-genital contact, genital or anal penetration, genital touching of the victim by the perpetrator, any other touching of private areas, sexual kissing and hugging

Verbal invitations to engage in sexual activity, the usage of pornographic material and reading of sexually explicit information to children

Unfortunately, many times incest remains concealed by the victim due to guilt, shame, fear, social and familial pressure as well as coercion from the abuser. Due to the fact that the victim conceals the abuse, it remains unreported to authorities. Victims may not build the courage to report their abuse because:

The victim has been told that what is happening is normal or happens in every family, and doesn’t realize that this is a form of abuse

The victim may not know that help is available or who to talk to

The victim may be afraid of consequences that may occur if they tell someone because:

The abuser may have threatened the victim

The victim may care about the abuser

The victim may be afraid of what will happen to them if they report

A victim may be under the impression that no one will believe them

The victim may be afraid that other will accuse them of wrong doing

Effects

In many ways, incest can be potentially more damaging towards a child due to its disruption of child’s primary support system: the family. In typical cases of abuse outside of the family, a child’s family is able to offer support. In the case of incest, the abuser is a family member, making it difficult to find resources outside of the family. This prolongs the recovery process for the child. In addition, incest often affects a child’s ability to trust because their abuser is someone who was their caregiver, someone they trusted. Finally, incest victims may be damaged by a non-abusive parent choosing to not stop the abuse from occurring, which may occur for a variety of reasons:

The non-abusing parent may feel they are dependent on the abuser for income and or shelter

The non-abusing parent may feel that if they try to end the abuse, their relationship with their partner will end

The non-abusing parent may have been a victim of incest as a child, therefore under the impression that it is normal for families

Reporting

If you have been a victim on incest, or suspect abuse by incest of someone you know, it is important to report. You can help end the cycle of abuse. Victims should realize that what is happening to them is not their fault and that they do not have to handle the situation alone. The first step in ending the abuse is to tell a trusted adult or contact your local Child Abuse Protection hotline. In Pennsylvania, to report abuse, contact ChildLine at 800-932-0313. Their services are offered 24-hours a day, 7 days a week. If you believe a child is in immediate danger, don’t hesitate to call 911.

If a child discloses abuse by incest to you, it is essential to listen to their story and above all, believe what they are telling you. Depending on your relationship with the child, you may be required to report their situation to the authorities. Teachers, ministers, counselors and many other professionals are considered mandated reporters and are required by law to report child abuse, including incest, to the authorities. To check if you are a mandated reporter or not, visit RAINN’s Mandatory Reporting Database. Even if you are not required by law to report, contacting your local Child Abuse Protection hotline is the best way to help protect the victim. After the report has been made, and services have been provided, the victim still may need support. Follow up with the victim and let it be known that you do care.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

The following article appeared in the Huffington Post. This is a question that often comes up when in desperation or fear the abused suddenly turns and kills their abuser or has them killed. Sometimes it is in a moment of passion, sometimes it is premeditated as a means of escape.

Cheryl hopes that by sharing her true experience and innermost thoughts, victims will have more strength by knowing they are not alone, that someone somewhere will believe them, and they won't have to resort to the means she did.

“If your goal is to rehabilitate and rebuild, incarceration is not the answer,” says LadyKathryn Williams-Julien, pictured.

NEW YORK — LadyKathryn Williams-Julien’s first childhood memory is of her father punching her mother in the face. She was 6. Her mother fell to the ground, where Williams-Julien was already cowering. They were eye-to-eye, mother and child, both trembling with fear.

“Her whole face was covered with blood,” she said quietly, sitting at the kitchen table in her apartment in the Bronx. “I think even if I got Alzheimer’s and lost my mind, I would never forget that image.”

Years later, when Williams-Julien had a husband of her own, she didn’t fault him for hitting her. It’s what she knew. For two decades, she said, her husband beat and abused her. She grew accustomed to living with a perpetual black eye. Then, one September night in 1997, she said, he wrapped his hands around her neck and did not let go. She knew he was going to strangle her to death.

“Here’s a man I’ve known all my life and I saw a complete stranger,” Williams-Julien said. “This time something said, you are in a lot of danger here, you better fight back.”

She reached for a knife and stabbed her husband once, then fled the apartment. When the police arrived, she confessed and they arrested her.

“She was across the street, sitting on a stoop, crying like a baby,” Eric Reynolds, a retired New York City Police Department detective, told The Huffington Post. “Her only concern was him.”

Her husband died later that night, and Williams-Julien was charged with murder. She was 36 and had no prior criminal record. If convicted, she faced a mandatory minimum sentence of 15 years to life.

Eventually, prosecutors reduced the charge to manslaughter in the second degree, which allowed her to narrowly escape a mandatory prison sentence. She pleaded guilty and served five years of probation instead.

But Williams-Julien never forgot just how close she came to a life behind bars. Other domestic violence survivors, she knew, were not so lucky. They were sent to prison for decades.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

There are many more organizations and websites that help abuse victims now than there were when Cheryl went through her ordeal. One of them is Prevent Child Abuse America.

Prevent Child Abuse America is the national champion of great childhoods for all children. Founded in 1972 in Chicago, Prevent Child Abuse America works to promote the healthy development of children and prevent child abuse before it can occur in order to help children to grow up and contribute in their communities. Their 50 state Chapter Network works every day to promote the kind of strategies and activities that make a difference locally as well as nationally.

They help nearly 100,000 families a year through their Healthy Families America program and put 92 cents of every dollar raised towards programs that help children and families thrive. http://preventchildabuse.org