Thirty-year-old man horny for twenty-year-old’s old soul

MONTREAL – Describing the twenty minutes he spent leering at her across Grumpy’s Bar as an overwhelming intellectual connection, Philip Marshall, 30, announced Friday that he was extremely horny for the old soul of Olivia Denton, 20.

“At first my friends and I thought he was a TA from one of our classes because he kept looking over at us and smiling,” Olivia told reporters, adding that the backpack Marshall was wearing made it hard to tell he was a grown man. “It wasn’t until later in the night when he bummed a cigarette off of me and spoke at length about the film podcasts he listens to that I realized he was just some guy.”

“Her whole table seemed wise beyond their years,” said an aroused Marshall. “But it was Olivia that stuck out as the most discerning and judicious when I walked by four or five times. I had to talk to her.”

Witnesses say their conversation lasted about six minutes with Olivia saying only ‘ha ha, yeah’, then excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

“Olivia is a profound conversationalist. Women my age are so fixated on whether or not I have a job or that I can only cook eggs,” Marshall explained, running his hand through his receding hairline. “But Olivia didn’t ask about any of that. In fact, she just listened, like a wise sage. It was so hot.”

At press time, Marshall was unavailable for comment as he was hurriedly unlocking his bike and offering to walk Olivia home, citing an excess of creepy dudes in the area.