Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My Take on Ken Merman: You're A Rat Bastard!!!!

So at this point, most of you homos have heard about Ken Mehlman's big gay coming out party (complete with glitter gowns) which has been splashed all over the queer media. If, however, you are one of my breeder allies, you may have missed it: Former RNC Chair Ken Mehlman came out as a big flaming 'mo and is generally just a big pissant.

I call him Ken Merman, and here's why!

He is that brand of magical, mythical person we call the Republican Homosexual-- that curious mix of right-wing rhetoric and buggery that seems to pop up incessantly amongst the Morally Superior. This particular mythical creature, in particular, is far more mysterious and rare than most. Not only is he an unrepentant buttfucker, he also ushered and guided the American Gestapo through arguably one of its most divisive and daring periods of time-- where it re-elected Queen Georgette based on a platform of moral restoration. IE: Smearing the queers.

Let's see the facts:

During Merman's reign of terror, Georgette II was re-elected based on-- as seen in exit polls-- "Moral Values." Essentially, setting back the gay civil rights movements by years. How?
During that fated re-election in 2004, under the shepherdship of Merman as Miz Bush's campaign manager, everyone got all in a tizzy that the lezzies and homos were going to get married and eat everyone's babies. Who defended the Faith and the Faithful? Georgette! Election won!

During that election, and based on the climate of religious terror espoused by our hero, many states chose to enshrine discrimination in their whosiewhatsits by banning gay marriage! In fact, during this political wizard's reign as campaign manager and RNC chief, 21 states ensured that gay Americans would be fucked up the butt-- and not with lube either! With sandpaper! And country music playing in the background! Now discriminated against in their state constitutions, my lesbo friends can't adop their Malawi children with impunity... now they have to move to Massachusetts, and everyone knows that Boston accents are JUST TERRIBLE (what is a cah??? And how do you pahk it????).

While Kenny is certainly one of the most well-connected, more powerful, and just plain most nefarious of the bunch (mother fucker is STILL GIVING BOOKOO BUCKS TO ANTI-GAY POLITICIANS), he certainly ain't the only queer in the Republican party. How many times in the past decade have we outed evangelicals and closet airport butthumpers???? How many more times will we have to hear about Mr. Sucksalotocock the important Senator getting pulled over coming from the "private men's establishments???"

Here's their excuse: They struggled with their sexuality, it was all part of their personal journey, so sorry! It was part of my coming to terms with it!

Well, GUESS WHAT, asshole, and here's where I stop joking: You are a selfish, rotten bastard. I have no sympathy for you. Your personal journey?! You mean your personal journey that affected thousands-- tens! hundreds of thousands!-- of Americans? Seems like a pretty fucking public journey to me.

As many of you know, I come from the wondrous, mist-shrouded fairyland known as Eugene, Oregon. I have often prided myself on being a liberal raised by liberals in a liberal state. During that black, terrible election that doomed our country to four more years of nepotism and misdirection, a constitutional amendment was proposed and put on the ballot banning gay marriage. "Not in Oregon!" I said. "Oh no!" I chortled, "We don't do hate shit in my hood!"

I WAS CRUSHED. My own home, in the end, decided to defile my state's constitution by enshrining within it vile propagandist bullshit blocking me-- and many gay Portlanders who already had-- from marrying the person that I chose to.

Why?

Because of the air of fear that this fuckhead and people of his disgusting ilk promoted. Because of their greed (how do you like your multi-million dollar home in oh-so-gay Chelsea, Mr. Merman?). Because they wanted to re-elect someone and keep the paychecks coming in. Because of their fearmongering, I lost faith in the idea that my liberal bastion was unsullied by this kind of fuckery.

I lay this at the feet of your PERSONAL JOURNEY, closeted greedy republican queer, and furthermore I say this:

FUCK your personal journey. Mine's already been smeared. FUCK your privacy. You have made my personal life a matter of national debate. And most of all, Ken Mehlman, FUCK YOU. How dare you beg forgiveness and decide that you can just suddenly be as gay as you can be? How can you suddenly decide that you like the homos? Your thirty silver pieces pocketed, you walk away from the noose and decide to get a loft? You disgust me.