NHS forcing old people into bare-knuckle boxing

THE National Health Service is now little more than a front for illegal boxing matches between frail pensioners, according to a new report.

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The health services ombudsman Ann Abraham studied 10 cases of alleged abuse of elderly people within the NHS and concluded that there were now no women in the UK over the age of 75 who had not been forced to take part in at least one bare-knuckle bloodbath.

Abraham said: “Take the case of Mrs C. She was admitted for stomach pains but instead of being seen by a doctor she was taken to the boiler room, thrust into the centre of a circle of baying nurses and told to fight for her life against an elderly woman who was obviously very experienced in underground fisticuffs.”

But an NHS spokesman said the vast majority of old people who are admitted to hospital are not forced into a bone crunching death match, adding: “It’s only based on 10 cases.”

Abrahams also revealed that after the fight the nurses did not even give Mrs C a glass of water or a bath, but just stuffed a roll of tenners in her hand and told her to ‘get totally hammered’.”

She said: “Unfortunately we have decided that this is all too typical and that there is probably gambling involved as well.”

The NHS spokesman added: “It’s only based on 10 cases.”

The health service is now bracing itself for another top to bottom reform with each of its 1.2 million staff members having to spend at least four hours a day carrying out a series of detailed checks to make sure they are not forcing an old woman to have a fight.