ARGUS HAMILTON: Just where is the iPhone tower

Thursday

Jul 27, 2017 at 8:37 AMJul 27, 2017 at 9:01 AM

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Conde Nast travel magazine forecast a record number of U.S. tourists will be visiting Britain as well as the continent of Europe for their August vacations. American tourists in Paris are easy for the French to identify. We’re the ones walking around asking for directions to the iPhone Tower.

The Audubon Society praised National Insurance Tuesday for turning off its skyscraper lights in Galveston into which hundreds of birds were flying every night. The society raises bird safety consciousness. I lost a bet the other day when I found out the Drone is not the national bird of Syria.

Washington, D.C. was reported Friday to have one of the nation’s highest alcohol consumption rates per capita. That may not last. Vodka drinkers in Washington, D.C. have begun going to AA or quitting cold turkey because they don’t want to get dragged into this whole Russian collusion mess.

Pop star Lana Del Ray admitted to an interviewer Monday that she used witchcraft to try to cast an evil spell on President Trump to cause him some form of witchy harm. That’s a creepy world. Lana’s parents left her a live chicken in their will to remind her of all the sacrifices they made for her.

President Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner went before House and Senate panels this week to explain his Russia meeting last year. It was nothing but a pitch for adoptions. Democrats are basically down to begging for someone to give oral sex to President Trump so they can impeach him.

President Trump addressed 50,000 Boy Scouts at the Jamboree Monday and the boys cheered Trump, chanted his name and booed Obama. Educators were horrified. Apparently it takes just a patriotic speech and no teachers around to undo nine months of public school education.

President Trump vowed to tackle the prescription drug epidemic in America. The prescription drug ads should require actors to act out the drug’s side effects too. Who wouldn’t love a Chantix commercial showing a guy strangling his Uber driver for missing a turn a week after he quit smoking.

President Trump hinted for Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ resignation Tuesday. His recusal from the Russia probe laid Trump wide open to a Special Counsel probe. The same day, CNN broke into regular programming with a bulletin announcing that Russia had ties to the former Soviet Union.

The Food and Drug Administration reports the percentage of U.S. adults who smoke cigarettes is at an all-time low. The heat is on the industry. New Jersey about to raise the legal age for buying tobacco to twenty-one, which I guess is what happens when you elect a health nut to be your governor.

Entertainment Weekly published a fitting eulogy for horror movie producer George Romero who revolutionized the genre over the last 40 years. To boil it down into joke form, a clown, a ventriloquist’s dummy and an antique doll walk into a bar. Eleven minutes later, everybody’s dead.

Discovery Channel viewers were infuriated Friday when its race between Michael Phelps and a shark turned out to be a computer generated shark. Viewers missed the bigger picture. Michael Phelps racing a shark is a metaphor for anybody who tries to beat an American to a plate full of food.

O.J. Simpson was granted parole on live television Thursday from his Nevada prison. It’s all so surreal for many of us. If you’d told me 25 years ago that a former USC All-American running back and NFL Hall of Famer would kill his wife, I’d have bet the farm it’d be Frank Gifford.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.