How to Define Emotional Infidelity: Different Types Cheating

When it comes to sex and relationships, potential problems are constantly brewing for couples. Though some may have a slightly different definition of what qualifies as infidelity, most people seem to believe that it involves sexual or physical betrayal. This type of betrayal is incredibly painful for the partner who has been cheated on, and countless self-help books discuss ways to cope with this kind of hurtful event when it penetrates a romantic union.

Yet what often gets lost in the discussion of infidelity is attention to emotional infidelity and the ugly ways in which it can plant seeds of doubt and dismantle a relationship. In discussing emotional infidelity, I'm not talking about finding out that your partner follows pornographic websites or is connecting with others somewhere in sexual cyberspace. (Cut to Anthony Weiner). Even though those partners may not be having actual sex - or even ever meet - the nature of the infidelity is still sexual.

Emotional infidelity refers to behavior that one partner engages in that fosters emotional intimacy in the here-and-now with someone else, and sometimes promotes the possibility of sexual intimacy in the future. Many people maintain secret or semi-secret friendships when there is a clear mutual interest or attraction, while others may not be interested but encourage others' interest in them for the sake of boosting their own ego or distracting themselves from a sense of boredom with their partner.

The sad reality is that emotional infidelity is often totally hidden to the extent that you may not know if and when your partner is emotionally cheating. Because the connection is not sexually based, there are fewer opportunities to detect the infidelity. For example, when there's no need for a hotel room, it's difficult for anyone to find proof of the betrayal upon review of a credit card bill tossed in the trash.

Many articles and books issue tips on how to tell you if your partner is cheating, but what are the tips to tell you if your partner is emotionally cheating? The truth is that it is very difficult to tell - in some cases, next to impossible. The best indicator is to consider the character of your partner and to ask yourself how much you truly trust his or her integrity. How loyal is your partner to his or her friends? To his or her job? To his or her family? Is there a history of unfaithfulness in any form in the past?

Ultimately, we all have strong instincts that guide us. Your instincts, like your conscious mind, will find it a challenge to tell if someone is emotionally cheating on you, but they will easily tell you whether your partner is inherently trustworthy or, conversely, prone to infidelity. It never hurts to discuss this issue with your partner so that you can be sure you have the same definition of infidelity. Check in with your partner today about what he or she considers cheating. Rather than ask in a dective-like manner, mention that you read an article that highlights how men and women often have different definitions, and offer up the topic for discussion. (Perhaps, in the end, how he or she responds to the topic will speak volumes). Ultimately, to function happily as a couple, your agreed upon definition of cheating must include both emotional and sexual components.

Finally, years of working with couples have shown me that couples often wait until they're in a trouble spot to discuss uncomfortable issues, and the issue of emotional infidelity marks no exception. In my clinical work ,I always say that the best time to discuss problems is completely counterintuitive: Do it when things are going well to prevent a major battle later.

"Emotional infidelity refers to behavior that one partner engages in that fosters emotional intimacy in the here-and-now with someone else" ... Give me a break! This is ludicrous! Unless you are suggesting that two people are the ONLY people that are emotionally intimate with each other, and that partners shouldn't have close emotionally intimate relationships with their friends, children, parents, colleagues, etc.... then your argument makes no sense. It certainly has no foundation what-so-ever in peer-reviewed research, and this is exactly the type of "advice" some of us scientists aim to begin pushing back on. The concept of emotional infidelity just doesn't make sense - unless, again, you're suggesting that two people be each others only friend, family etc.

I believe the criteria for an emotional affair include:
-secrecy
-concealing/lying about what you're doing and with whom
-sharing of intimate information that should "only" be shared with your spouse/significant other
-potential serious negative consequences if discovered

I'm sure there are more, but these relationships are nothing like those with family or friends.

Dr. Holmes, relatives and friends aren't considered "partners" in the context of Dr. Meyers article. His opening sentence clearly identifies the subject matter is about couples presumably in a committed relationship, "When it comes to sex and relationships, potential problems are constantly brewing for couples. Though some may have a slightly different definition of what qualifies as infidelity, most people seem to believe that it involves sexual or physical betrayal." I don't consider myself 1/2 of a couple with my family members, parents, coworkers, or children. Do you?

I'm in an emotional affair with a married man; it's been going on for almost 2 years. We are extremely intimate in every way but physical. I would like to understand more about what motivates him to continue in this secret relationship, and even more than that, what possible impact it's having on his marriage. He's been married 25+ years and they are recent empty-nesters. He does not complain about his wife, but based on a lot of what he tells me about their life together, it sounds from a distance like it's an emotionally empty relationship (though I have not of course spoken to--or even met--her). What insight can you offer on these two points (if that's possible without knowing more?) Are there general "principles" that may help me with my understanding?

Some insight into his motivation might be found in understanding why you are in this emotional affair? Are you also married? If you are, what do you feel you are missing in your own marriage?

What you are asking about 'his' motivation, might be answered to some degree by examining what motivates you to be in a secret relationship with this married man. How old are each of you? You mentioned he is a recent empty-nester, are you as well? Were you friends before the affair began? Without knowing some finer details as such, its difficult to suggest what could be motivating either of you.

You say you're "extremely intimate", but have no idea why he's carrying on a secret emotional affair with you? Affairs, be they sexual or emotional are a form of escape from something, or a way to gain something missing in the primary relationship. Some people have affairs as a way to exit a relationship, but since this has been going on for two years, I would cross that off. Clearly he's in no rush to leave his wife. Sounds like you already have a good idea that he's using you as an escape or a gap filler, based on you're assumptions about his marriage. I have to agree with the other poster... why you are doing it is what you should be contemplating. What motivates you to willingly participate in deceiving a man's wife?

Yes, emotional betrayal counts. ‘Truth Games’ http://is.gd/gAg3ZZ explores issues of infidelity in 1970s London UK, when the freedoms of the swinging 60s began to run into trouble. One marriage manages to stagger through intact because the couple are emotionally true to each other even while the wife, with the husband's pained consent, is having affairs.

I think many of you ask yourself, what if i had the password of my friend / girlfriend / boyfriend, associate, life partner to know the truth about your near partner, and reassuring that they do not hide you something.
You have the right to be reasured !
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I met my husband 15 years ago, both of us had been previously married. At the time of meeting he told me he was in love with someone who was married and chosen to stay with her husband and children, she moved to another country. They stayed in contact( he even joined their family for ski trips) After a few years he told her he didn't want to spend his life alone and was going to move on.
Over the years he has stayed in contact, perhaps 3-4 times a year.
Mostly family news (What has been happening about us as a couple or me is never mentioned although she knows about me, only about whats going on with him)

He knows that this relationship hurts me greatly, and has always assured me it is only a friendship. He has always known I read the emails ( he suggested that I do so early on in our relationship) Some times in the correspondence, I see the close bond between them, and note how they 'miss' seeing each other.

He says her life is there, and he is committed to our future together, that I mean so much to him.

I get upset when he 'shares' special times that we are experiencing, with her. IE recently we were at a family wedding in California, and whilst enjoying an evening event he text her to say how much fun he was having.
At New Year this year 6 mins past midnight he text to wish her happy New Year, then proceeded to have a text conversation over the next few hours, telling her how sorry he was for not being in touch very much, and felt he had 'abandoned' her.

Her husband has recently been diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer, and the outlook is not good.

My husband is in constant contact almost daily with her, responding as soon as she replys..... he has told me he loves her very deeply and she is very very special to him, although he sees our life together as very important and is what he wants, he needs 'to be there for her'
He says he doesn't understand why I feel so upset about it, or what I am afraid of.

I try to understand... I feel guilty, that I seem to be jealous and I am angry about it all.
We have a very special close relationship an have worked together in our own business for 12 years. There are so many occasions that we are thinking the same thing at the same time.... we always laughed at that... Therefore, I always seem to 'know when he is thinking of her ( often now a days)

I know she is going through a tough time, as his her husband, which makes me feel bad for feeling so jealous, and uncaring

I realize, after 15 years that he is never going to give this up, I had always told myself, it would fade away, but now know that will not happen. I love him so much and have always tried to tolerate it tell myself it is nothing....but it is damaging our relationship.

My husband of 30 yrs became friends with a woman thru his work, although they did not work together. He works out of town and comes home on wkends he was seeing her daily and they began to text while they were working during the day or calling each other then after work or when she had the evening off they would spend it together. He told me he had a friend to talk to and I even met her. Then about 6 wks later he calls me in the middle of the night to tell me nothing was planned but it just happened, they crossed the line. I told him we would work thru this. Over the course of the next few wks she came to me and told me she was in love with him. I also found out that he said things to her (i miss you and i love your kisses) that he has never told me, he held her hand when they went out together and he does not show public affection towards me, he made her "promises" and he refuses to use that word for me or his daughter saying he won't promise anything in the event he can't follow thru, he even revealed to her he was a jealous man and I never knew. He finally told her they could only be friends no more physical contact, he stayed away from her for a few wks but they would run into each other (i think she was making sure of it) and then the text began again and the calls. I hired a man to tap his cell phone for me and one day she began to really push it, the text were very racy and x-rated. He told her to backoff, slow down that he was going home to his wife but she kept on til she finally won, he began to fall...telling her he really wanted to see her again. A few minutes later he told her to answer her phone and they talked for awhile and then he calls me. I guess to make an excuse why he was going to be late but before he said anything I confessed to tapping his phone and told him that he either broke off contact immediately and completely or not to come home. He came straight home and it was hell for a few days. They have spoken cordially a couple of times since, she lost her job and has left the area. Since then he has lost interest in sex (suddenly blaming it on his health) and become very depressed. I feel he holds a grudge towards me. He claims his family and I came first and that he only wanted to be friends with her but was a victim of circumstance and that I should have trusted him not to let her come between us, that the text were friendly flirts. He refuses to accept that they were in an emotional affair that crossed the line. Now I still can not let any of it go and it is eating me alive.

Yesterday I offered my wife $20,000 to drop this douche bag. I doubt seriously if this loser makes this money in one year. I make over $30,000 in a month. Anyhow, my wife was insulted. She told him and her dad. I told my father in law to go fk himself. He is a huge loser. You would have to see it to believe it. Yes, it is true. My father in law is worse than this scum bag Nik. Anyhow, I Seriously did tell my father in law to go F himself. It felt great. Shockingly, my wife now wants to give it a 2nd try. Sorry Nikki Boy ... YOU LOST !!!!