Saturday, June 18, 2011

How to Get Healed Over an Affair

The old adage: "Time heals all wounds" is true. But slightly misleading. Because it's not totally accurate. As anyone who is suffering, or has suffered through an affair will tell you, the missing word in that folk wisdom is: "eventually."

But, clearly, eventually is little comfort if you're haunted by the terrible legacy of your partner's infidelity. The nightmare images of your beloved in the arms of someone else. The Anger. The Rage. The resentment. The negative thoughts that replay themselves over and over in your mind. Making each day a challenge just to do the simplest things. And disrupting or completely preventing sleep.

And worst of all, the self-doubt. The nagging lingering feeling that somehow, someway, it was you who failed. That there was something lacking in you that caused your partner to stray. That you should have "sensed" something was wrong. That you should have "known" something was not right. The end result being the obvious one. You, who did nothing wrong, and everything right, blame yourself for your spouse's adultery.

The consequences of this "victim consciousness" mindset are the most serious obstacles to getting through your agony and, yes, I'll say it - eventually - healing. With your self-respect low or non-existent, your life, and your possibilities for advancing this depressing situation are effectively paralyzed.

The most basic day to day chores you must do seem impossible. Not important. Not worth the effort. Even though in your rare moments of rationality you know you must do them. Your focus is scattered. You have little or no concentration. As you are constantly bombarded with all the negative thoughts and images. The majority of which you create and amplify.

This is "emotional quicksand." The more you struggle, the more you try to pull yourself out of the negative descent, the further down you go. And there is no way out.

Does this sound familiar? Is this where you are now? Is this what you're dealing with? Yes, it's beyond depressing. Beyond devastating. But it's not the end of the World. Although it must seem like it now. I know.

Just pull yourself together, you shall overcome

Here's my best advice

1. Remember - "NO ONE GETS OUT OF HERE ALIVE." That line from the Doors song "The End", is a wake-up call. A shout out to "smell the coffee." A reminder that no one is immortal. Alan Watts summed it up this way: "Everything composed, no matter how long postponed, must eventually decompose." Ok - I know it sounds a little gory - but it's true. We're all going to die. So while we're here - while we're alive - we have two choices. One - whine about how unfair "life" is and how badly we've been treated. Or- Two - live each moment as if it were our last. Joyfully. Gratefully. Appreciating all that being human and alive can be.

2. DON'T CARRY THAT WEIGHT. The weight of responsibility for the negative actions of someone else. You know what's right. Do what's right.

3. GET A TAN. An emotional one. By letting your interior qualities shine, and burn through the negativity that's holding you back. Get up close and personal with the one person who has all your best interests at heart. YOU! Get back to getting back all the positive elements that make you a unique and special human. And celebrate that humanity.