"I used to steal a lot of Little Debbie cakes from the store," Artest said in 2001 after nabbing seven steals in one game. "I got real good at it and used to steal about four a day. You have to move slow in the store, otherwise they know you're stealing. It prepared me for the league."

That's just airtight logic. Stealing Little Debbies when you're a kid is exactly the reason you're a great defender. It has nothing to do with your 6-foot-7, 260 pound body that includes your feet that move way too quickly for a man of that size. It was the Little Debbies, for sure.

After all, that's why I'm an internationally renowned chef. I used to eat so many Star Crunches when I was a kid that I just knew how to cook instinctively. Those things are magical.