Tag: anger

Haven’t been going much of anywhere for the last several days. Anymore I am fine with just staying home, chatting with friends online or over the phone, reading online articles, and sleeping. I sleep more than I probably should. But I actually enjoy sleep anymore, as strange as it sounds. In the early years of my mental illness, I used to have really bad nightmares several nights a week. Sometimes I’d wake up in a panic and drenched in sweat. Sometimes I’d wake up to muscle cramps. A few times I was so scared by my dreams I would just cry. I haven’t cried over anything for almost fifteen years now, not even my grandparents’ funerals. It’s almost like the horrors and terrors of the early years of mental illness killed a small part of my humanity.

I admit to having a hard time dealing with strong emotions. I don’t show much sadness anymore even when I wish I could break down sobbing. I know, it’s not manly to sob or feel much of anything. I do feel a lot of frustration and even anger toward stupidity, rudeness, hypocrisy, and people who have no empathy or compassion. As strange as it sounds to most people, I don’t even know when someone loves me unless they flat out say they do. I know how to feel love toward others and I attempt to send it out the best way I know how usually to have it rejected. But I really don’t know how to tell that someone loves me. Of course this lack of basic ability to read emotions murdered my romantic prospects before they had a chance to get rolling. I haven’t been on a date in well over ten years. I accept the fact that I probably never will be able to date or have a romantic interest grow into anything besides a silent interest and secret admiration simply because I am unable to read other’s emotions. It was a very tough truth that took me until I was almost thirty to accept about myself. I know what it like to feel love towards others, I just don’t know how to tell when others love me back.

Another month is all but over as summer fades into autumn. The weather is turning cooler and the nights are now longer than the days. I get outside some everyday to enjoy the cooler weather but I still don’t socialize much, at least not in person. It just seems that everyone I come into contact with anymore is in such a foul and angry mood all the time. I hope it’s just the paranoia of my illness talking. But it seems I can’t have any kind of conversation without the other person going off on someone or something or just being irritable. I hate it. It makes me so glad I live alone and just hole up for days if need be. I have enough problems of my own. But I try not to dwell on them. I won’t have anyone else trying to drag me down when I feel decent. I have even resorted to not talking to even close friends sometimes because even they are in foul moods. It’s getting old and I don’t want to put up with it anymore.

Getting out of the apartment several times a day now. Have been for the last several days. Catching up on the news of what’s been going on around the complex and meeting some of the new residents who moved in during the summer. Seems like we have a few really cool people move in lately, and some of them are even in my age bracket and younger. So I might be rebuilding some of my social safety nets that had fallen apart over the last few years.

I haven’t been as social over the last three years as I had been previously. I think some of it started when three of my friends in my apartment complex died within six months of each other. Then we had a few problem residents come in that gave problems to everyone. So I started isolating to avoid the drama. Then my grandmother died, which I think I took harder subconsciously than I realized at the time. My car accident in late 2015 left me scared to drive and not able to trust other drivers on the road for a long time. 2016 is a lost year as far as I’m concerned. The drama and emotions from the elections caused me so much grief and anxiety. I also lost some good friends and lost contact with some extended family because of those emotions running hot.

After months of hot emotions and people going insane over the pettiest things, 2017 was another tough year. I spent most of that year alone. I rarely visited friends or family. I went entire days without leaving my apartment. I more or less lost my ability to see anything decent in other humans, especially people in my immediate life. I devoted most of 2017 to my writing and self directed scholarly endeavors. Seeing some of the advances that were rapidly being developed was one of the few things that gave me hope in those dark years. Like a fool I tried to share this information with people, but almost no one took me seriously. I had some jerks tell me I was “fake news” and a liar. “Fake news” is another stupid phrase I despise. After a few episodes of this, I became real despondent. I lost myself in computer games and youtube videos and just became annoyed and irritated with people in general. The less I had to deal with flesh and bone people, the better as far as I was concerned.

But after almost three years of depression imposed exile and hermitage, I am slowly becoming more social. I actually want to socialize now. I truly believe that the type of people one surrounds themselves with can effect your mental and even physical health. I have believed this for years. But since most people I knew and ran into on a daily basis were in foul and angry moods, it just seemed better to just isolate, stay out of sight, and hope to God that people eventually came back to their senses. I’m thinking that people, at least the ones I associate with, are starting to come back to their senses. I certainly hope so. The last three years were lonely years. The only years I would rather relive less is my late teens and early twenties before I was being treated for mental illness.

Haven’t written much because I really haven’t been up to it the last few days. Between seeing the family, my having major maintenance being done on my apartment, dealing with the hot weather, and now entering my traditionally tough time of year, I haven’t been motivated to do much of anything. I’m burned out already and summer has barely started. I’ve been having maintenance come and go out of my apartment for the last few weeks. And to tell you the truth, it’s thrown a monkey wrench in my routines. I’ll be so, so glad once everything is taken care of and I don’t have maintenance and management dropping in on my place at a moment’s notice. I have to be out of my apartment all day Monday. Still have no idea what I’m doing for the whole day. I really don’t want to go to my parents’ place. I don’t want to hang out in the part as it’s supposed to be yet another hot day. I really don’t have any close friends in my complex that I could just spend the day at. All my old friends in my hometown have moved out of state a long time ago. I really have no clue as to what I’m doing all day out of my apartment.

Since I’ve developed a fear of leaving my apartment, this is probably going to be tougher than it would normally be. I’m burned out. I’m tired of always having to jump to other’s schedules at a second’s notice. That’s why I don’t go anywhere for any length of time anymore. If I do I’ll miss some request from family, friends, management, maintenance, etc and then I’m in trouble with said people. I’m paranoid enough as is. I just want to be left alone.

Of course no one wants to hear my problems. My parents were busy with their grandkids the last entire week. I had to fake like I was in a good mood for my birthday bash. My friends won’t return my calls or messages on facebook. I don’t know what is wrong with everyone all at once. And I’m tired of trying to figure people out. After months of dealing with nonsense from pretty much everyone in my life, I’m about to crack. Too bad I couldn’t just break down and sob to express my real emotions. I think I’ve cried only twice in the last twenty years. I didn’t cry at any of the funerals I’ve ever been to. But, then, it’s not manly to have emotions besides anger and lust.

In short, I just want to be left alone for a very long time. I’m tired of dealing with stupid and rude people I can’t please. I don’t need therapy. I don’t need company. I don’t need a medication adjustment. I just need people to leave me alone if they are going to be stupid and rude.

Even though winter is all but over and the weather is warming up, I’m still spending most of my time alone and isolated. Just been more irritable and short tempered lately. Even hearing my neighbors walk down the hallway can irritate me anymore. And since my neighbors are prone to argue among themselves and make lots of noise during the day, I have intentionally been sleeping during the days and staying up until sunrise for most of the last two weeks. Why shouldn’t I? It’s not like I have much of social life anyway. At least I haven’t had much of a social life for the last few years once even social media stopped being fun. I mean, do normal people enjoy being angry and argumentative all the time? It seems to be that way to me. It didn’t use to be this bad. In fact, most people used to be pretty cool about petty disagreements.

I can’t imagine what’s going to happen to my nation and my friends over the next few years. I used to believe that if we made it though these tough times, we’d have a real cool future. But every time I try to be encouraging or bring up something cool science has done recently, I’m met with either stone cold indifference or fear. My countrymen didn’t used to fear change nearly as much as we do now. Hell, we used to force change sometimes out of boredom. When I look at my elders, leaders, and even people my own age in my hometown and my country in general, I find it hard to believe that these peoples’ parents and grandparents landed on the moon, built personal computers, won major world wars, or even had the courage to immigrate to a new land where they knew no one and had only their dreams and work ethic to keep them going in the dark times. Whatever pioneer spirit and love of innovation my people once had is dead. And it’s quite sad. But no one cares anymore, at least not enough to embrace change. I know some really cool things are coming within the next ten to twenty years for the people of this world, at least those who are willing to push through their fears of change and adapt accordingly.

But I look around me in my hometown and my family and friends, and I don’t see any adapting. I see nothing but fear and hate. In some ways I’m glad I’m not well adjusted to my current reality. The only people who seem to be are those who are nostalgic for a past that never really existed in the first place. I no longer see the courage and original thinking that made my nation and it’s people the envy of the world. And I won’t let us slip away without putting up a fight.

I spent several days at my parents’ place last week. I was needing the peace and quiet and a little encouragement. Unfortunately the encouragement left as soon as I got home. I have been convinced for years that the environment a person lives in and the type of people they are forced to associate with on a day to day business can greatly effect a person’s happiness and overall well being. Most people have thought I was full of it for believing this as the majority of people I know believe you can will yourself out of depression, mental illness, and a bad situation. You can’t will yourself out of mental illness anymore than an amputee can will his leg back. In this day and age of advanced medicine and science, the people that think such things think them mainly because they choose to remain ignorant about science, technology, and illness.

I don’t get encouragement from being around my neighbors. Haven’t for a long time. I certainly don’t find encouragement when I try to contact even close friends and family online anymore. Even family and close friends too often act like barbarians online, and don’t even get me started on random strangers and friends of friends. About the only real intelligent and rational conversation and interactions I have anymore on my tech enthusiasts groups and my parents. And my parents are both advanced in age and not in great health, so they will probably be dying within twenty years. When they go, I’ll lose the vast majority of my social outlets and supports. Tell me again why I want to live to old age?

I’m not sorry for being discouraged and sounding off about it. Why should I? Everybody else feels free to gripe and complain and generally drag anyone within ear shot into the cesspool that is socializing. Even Superman has his kryptonite. And lately I have been exposed to near lethal doses of it. I’m tired from fighting and not seeing any results. I’m tired of trying to encourage people with good news that doesn’t make the press only to be told I am a liar and that I’m a peddler of fake news. I’m tired of always having to keep my head down in the dirt when we as a species were meant to reach for the stars. Normal people are discouraging, you really are.

Haven’t been outside of my neighborhood for almost two weeks now, mainly because of the bitter cold, snow, and ice. I haven’t even gone outside this week because it’s been so cold. Hopefully it doesn’t stay this bad all winter because I’m beginning to get kind of tired of being housebound all the time. And I don’t think I’m the only one. Seems to me that even my family are starting to get short tempered and irritable over the cold weather. My neighbors are getting short tempered too. And of course the people on social media have been short tempered and joyless ever since social media was opened to the public at large. At this point I’m not sure I want to stay in touch with anyone besides family and a few close friends. It just seems that humans get some kind of sadistic joy out of being angry all the time. Personally I’m burned out on all the anger and pessimism. Have been for a long time.

I almost never heard anything good about my fellow man or the world in general from my teachers and elders while in school or even in college. I had one teacher in junior high who seemed to get joy out of ranting about how the “cold cruel world” was going to kick our thirteen year old butts. And of course I rarely heard anything good about people in general from the news stations or even church service. After observing these happenings until I was in my mid twenties, I started taking notice of what was actually happening compared to what I was being told by my elders and bosses. After the economic crisis of 2008 and hearing that civilization was fixing to collapse any day, I payed attention and took notes. Of course it didn’t happen and the people who stayed in the stock market and didn’t panic are now making major money. That is when I came to the conclusion that the crowd is usually wrong. The whole ‘wisdom of crowds’ usually comes to nothing or mob mentality. The world didn’t end with Y2K, or 9/11, or the housing bust of 2008, or the Mayan calendar of 2012, or when the conservatives were in power, or when the liberals were in power, or when social media became a festering cesspool for people to gladly wallow in negativity and pessimism. After years of hearing that the world was going to end any day now and that younger people (or older people depending on who you ask) would be the death of us all, that’s when I had enough. Enough is enough. I have had it with fear mongering and pessimism about things that never come to pass or turn out to me more manageable than we previously thought.

Many worries are much to do about nothing and come to nothing. And everything else seems to be more manageable than previously thought. If our species can survive world wars, crippling famines, plagues that kill off millions of people, ice ages, tyrants, incompetent leaders, and even science used for evil purposes, some people can survive just about anything barring a comet hitting our planet or the sun going out. I probably wouldn’t survive most major events, primarily because of my mental illness and declining physical health as I age. But it’s okay as far as I’m concerned.

I can say that I have lived a pretty good life considering the circumstances of having a mental illness my entire adulthood. I have a good relationship with all my family members, I got to know my nephews and niece, I got to know quite a bit of my family history, and preserve it, before my grandparents died, I have cool friends who are willing to at least put up with my eccentric behavior and mental breakdowns, I haven’t been to jail or homeless, the longest I spent in a mental hospital was one week (and I have been working with a mental illness since age seventeen), and until recently was in good physical health in spite of fighting weight problems. When I was a teenager I was able to go scuba diving and climb an Aztec pyramid when I visited Mexico. In my early thirties I could walk five miles a day easily in spite weighing over 300 pounds. I got to hike and camp in the mountains of Colorado. I got to see B.B. King preform live a couple years before he died. I got to see country music acts like Brad Paisley, Reba Macintyre, Sarah Evans, etc. preform live before they became big stars. I have been able to live on my own with a mental illness for almost fifteen years. And I got to learn about some of the cool things that science and tech are doing that will be coming to fruition within the next ten to twenty years. My only true regret is that I might not live long enough to see some of the really cool things coming, like colonies on the moon or the first people on Mars or life extension tech or nuclear fusion plants. But I am convinced that such things are coming in most people’s lifetimes. And I am not an optimist by nature. I had to force myself to become this way until eventually it became second nature.

Other than a few bad days and one really bad day, I have been doing quite well for months. I imagine part of this has to do with avoiding angry and rude people. Sure I may not have much of a social life, but at this point in my life I no longer want to deal with rude and irritable people. I suppose I have hit my limit and don’t want to deal with it anymore. This kind of scares me as I am fearful that limiting my socializing will make me jaded and mean spirited as I age. I have known irritable and mean older people my entire life. I promised myself a very long time ago I would not turn out to be an angry and bitter old man. Maybe the only way I can do this is to severely limit who I socialize with anymore. I don’t post anything to Facebook or twitter anymore besides these blog posts. I finally became burned out on all the negativity, drama, etc. I have enough problems in my mentally ill mind that I don’t need my friends and family adding to them. I don’t see many of my friends online anymore either. I suppose they became burned out too. I hope that all this negativity and anger isn’t a new normal.

I really don’t enjoy socializing with most people anymore. I don’t want to socialize with negative and rude people anymore. Yet that is what all I seem to see anymore, online and in my own community. I try to tell my friends and family about what is actually going right, but I get mostly dead silence from these people. The few that do respond usually tell me I’m a liar. Seems to me normal people love to be immersed in anger and negativity. I don’t understand people. Then again I never have. I suppose I never will. I’m just tired of all the anger and negativity. From now on I’ll keep my optimism to myself.

Even though I feel quite a bit less depressed and more energetic since the meds change, I still have a fear of being out in public. Anymore I do most of my shopping in the early mornings as I can avoid crowds then. I used to shop in the overnight hours but anymore I’m afraid to be out of my apartment after 11pm. I just no longer trust the people that are out and about in the overnight anymore. It’s too bad as I have always been a night person. So on the nights I can’t fall asleep at a reasonable hour, I just stay up and play computer games while I have a youtube audiobook on in the background.

This isolation even extends to family. I haven’t been to my parents’ house since April. I just no longer enjoy traveling. The older I get, the more content I am to stay home and entertain my friends and family here. I used to be one of those who would rather go to a friend’s house than have my friends come to my house. It didn’t help any that my older brother always had his friends over and his friends and my friends didn’t get along. I would rather host my parents at my place than drive to their house, and they live less than two hours away.

I found out that I would rather have guests at my house over last Christmas after I twisted my knee and couldn’t navigate stairs. My parents came to my house and we celebrated Christmas here. I haven’t been to a friend’s house in two years, instead preferring to talk to them over the phone or have them come to my place. I also lost a few friends over the last couple years because I just can no longer really handle conflict and strife. And there hasn’t been a shortage of either one lately. I don’t thrive on conflict or bad vibes and I don’t understand people who do. Never have.

My family reunion is this weekend. As much as I would love to visit some of my relatives, I’m not going. I can’t handle crowds of any kind any more. Most of the time I’m content to be left alone with my thoughts anymore. I don’t know if it’s the illness doing it or the illness augmenting the bad experiences I had with people in my younger years. I just no longer want to be in a crowd. I’m also content to socialize as little as possible. Seems to me many people are just angry and negative all the time anymore. As I practically live on the internet for much of my waking hours, I get an earful of negativity and snark on a daily basis. If that’s all some people have to offer, then I want no part of it. I’ll be content to just stay alone and do what I enjoy. I would rather be lonely than made miserable by other people. Anymore those seem to be my only options.

Had an odd incident over the weekend. One of our tenants accidentally dropped his house keys down the crack in the elevator floor. The keys fell into the elevator shaft. And he cursed me out when I asked him what happened. This was an elderly tenant who doesn’t believe in things like mental illness or even disability insurance. I was taken aback at first by the viciousness of this tenant. But I stayed clam and didn’t respond to his verbal attack. I’m glad that I didn’t yell back at him. But I do wonder why he was mad at me for his gaffe.

Over the years, whether at work, school, or in public, the vast majority of the verbal abuse and threats I have received have been from people over fifty years old. I never could understand why elder people hate younger people. Yeah I’m getting older myself and having unexplainable aches and pains. But I refuse, flat out refuse, to take out my problems on young people or anybody else for that matter. I don’t understand people in general, but I especially don’t understand elderly people or people in places of authority. From what I have seen, it seems the older a person gets, the less empathy they have and the more impatient they become.

When I was working retail and fast food, the vast majority of the verbal abuse I got for not working fast enough came from elderly people. Sure I met some really cool elderly people who treated me well. But I just don’t understand why some people become mean and uncaring when they become older. I mean, older people are more apt to be serious about religion than younger people. Common sense would say those people would be more forgiving, loving, and charitable. Not always the case. I for one will not pull the same abuse on young people like what was pulled on me. I refuse to complain about how they dress. I refuse to complain about their music or movies or media. I’ve had my elders complain about me and my peers since I was in grade school. As if nine year olds are responsible for my country having such low test scores compared to most other developed countries. I just want to show more compassion and understanding to all people, younger and older alike, than what has been shown to me over the years. Humans must be the only species on the planet that actively seek to sabotage their offspring.

I just get tired of all the arguing and fighting all the time. I just want to live in peace with everyone as much as possible. I’m tired of always feeling like I have to look over my shoulder and be on guard at all times. Civilized people aren’t supposed look for arguments or fights. But that isn’t what I’ve seen for a long time.