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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Dr. Andrew Berry, Harvard Lecturer in Organismic and Evolutionary Biology and style legend, has announced the launch of his new clothing line, "The Natural Selection," which consists of literally only navy blue polo shirts and grey v-neck sweaters.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Area student Mark K. Anderson '20—who has yet to start the necessary readings for his U.S. in the World paper due tomorrow—feels pretty much done with the assignment now that he has compiled a thick list of puns for the title. All that remains is the final 11-and-a-half pages.

“My TF will be so entertained by these punderful topics that she won’t even ask how I spent the three weeks I was supposed to be drafting and redrafting this paper,” Anderson asserted.

THE WOODS — Reports surfaced on Thursday that the shit you took in the woods during your FOP trip over three-and-a-half years ago is still decomposing.

While you moved on with your life—as you went through four Housing Days, one thesis, 32 classes, three summer internships, and eight winter and spring breaks—that pile of shit has just been sitting there under the tree you defecated behind one hot August day.

AN INBOX — The vague subject line of an email sent by a campus administrator indicates that the message will dodge the actual issue at hand—in this case, police brutality against a black undergraduate.

"Oh boy, this is going to be a thorough hand-wringing," thought Ryan C. Dennison '20 as he opened a message from President Faust with the subject line "Incident on Friday." Dennison added, "No one in charge is going to take responsibility for anything at all, are they?" as he scrolled through the missive.

B10 IN THE 'BERG—In a display of administrative authority, Oak Yard Dean Madeline Currie placed Jake R. Laferty '21 on an unspecified leave of absence after the Thayer resident somehow managed to fuck up his veritaffle for the ninth brunch in a row.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Prefrosh Max R. Jacobs ’22, who attended Eleganza this weekend, is wondering whether going to the show counted as losing his virginity.

Jacobs had low expectations when his host, Ryan C. Lee '19, invited him to “a dance fashion show, I guess?” at the Bright Landry Hockey Center. But after Eleganza had ended, Jacobs was surprised to find that he might no longer be a virgin.

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – Harvard’s Johnston Gate, which was erected in 1889 and is still erect all these years later, finally went to see a doctor.

Dr. Kevin L. Bradley, Johnston’s primary physician, could not believe how long the gate had been erect. “Usually, if a gate is erect for 40 years or more we recommend it goes to see a doctor right away, especially when it’s not wood,” he said.

THE YARD — Two prospective members of the Class of 2022—one of whom took the SAT and the other of whom took the ACT—found during Visitas that they had literally nothing to talk about.

Sarah E. Kim, a 17-year-old from Connecticut, got a 1580 on her SAT. Matt R. Murphy, an 18-year-old from Iowa, got a 36 on his ACT. Once it became apparent that standardized test scores would not work as a conversation starter, Kim and Murphy realized they do not know anything about any other topics.

Harvard does not allow coffeemakers in the dorms, but that doesn't stop Ryan R. Jacobson '21 from caffeinating! When Jacobson needs his daily boost of energy, he grabs a handful of perfectly roasted coffee beans and pops them in his mouth for a crunchy pick-me-up. What an inspiration!

"I don't really like to break the rules," said Jacobson, the moral pillar of this university. "So when the student handbook said we couldn't have any cooking appliances, I ran to the store and bought myself a jar of Folgers coffee beans. Just straight-up coffee beans."