3 Years after enlisting in the military, 1864 approached. Tensions between the North and the South rose and very soon, a Civil War was on America’s (as well as Matthew Kunzers’) hands. And Kunzers took it upon himself to discuss with President Abraham Lincoln on how to approach this conflict.

At the time Kunzers was a captain in the United States military, and had some political pull. He also was also really good with the ladies. So he was quickly able to work his way into the White House to talk to Lincoln.

Matthew approached Lincoln and said, “Listen, ‘Ham’, there has been enough standing around going on and it is time to intervene. We need to step in and take care of this Civil War bologna once and for all.”

“Matthew Kunzers you seem like a righteously awesome dude. So I will listen to you. I am going to support the South in this war, just as I believe I should,” said Abraham ‘Ham’ Lincoln.

“What the heck are you thinkin’!” Kunzers exclaimed as he ripped off President Lincoln’s hand, slapped him with it, but then quickly surgically attached it back on, “The Confederates are the bad guys, Ham! The Union is who you should really be supporting!”

Abraham Lincoln agreed.

Abraham Lincoln poses with Kunzers (right) and some guy (1865)

And with that final note, Kunzers left but as he was walking away into the sunset, Abraham shouted, “Go get ’em Confederates for me, kid!”

The following year, Kunzers was leading troops into a Western Territory when all of the sudden an unbelievably massive pack of bears (seriously there was a lot of bears) armed with spiked brass knuckles and armor approached. Matthew Kunzers soon found himself along with his troops surrounded. Kunzers knew he was out-numbered. He knew he could fight twelve or thirteen armored bears but five- hundred and three was too many. The only way he could escape was to reason with the bears.

“My dear armored bear friends,” roared Kunzers in bear-talk, “My name is Matthew Kunzers, and I was raised by one of you. I am not your enemy. The Confederacy, however, is. I understand, that I may be an extravagantly beautiful human, and you may not trust me, but please help me.”

“Raaaaaaaaaaaaa!” roared the biggest bear, “Matthew Kunzers. You are my son! I raised you, but lost you in that massive bear fight back in ’36.”

“Yes, when I was two, I lost you along with my entire bear family. I love you bear-dad,” Matthew said as he hugged his bear-dad, “But now you must help me Father, help me fight the Confederates!”

“I will,” said Matthew’s bear-dad, “but after my fight is over I will disappear from your life forever.”

Matthew Kunzers then lead his human/bear army into battle and destroyed the entire Confederate army. THE ENTIRE CONFEDERATE ARMY. After it was all over, Matthew’s bear-dad was gone, and Matthew was promoted to General of the United States Military.

Kunzers declared that he wished to retire from the military two years later, but everyone knew he valiantly served as a hero to all of America. The people called him General America.

General America was getting groceries one day, when he saw a young woman named, Sarah Rogers. He approached her and after a day’s conversation he found that he knew Sarah’s mother (also named Sarah) back from his orphanage days. Unfortunately she said that her mother died in 1862 trying to open a pickle jar.

Matthew Kunzers found himself in love with Sarah and married her the following year in 1868. They started a new life in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Matthew was a celebrity and was sick and tired of it all. On a dark evening he faked his own death and played the rest of his life off as though he and Sarah were Irish immigrants. Matthew then re-named himself Joseph Matthew Rogers because Matthew Kunzers was dead (duh). Forty-eight years later Matthew and Sarah decided to have a child. After somehow getting pregnant, in 1917, 83 year old Matthew Rogers and 66 year old Sarah Rogers gave birth to Steve Rogers.

Matthew Kunzers/Rogers shortly died after Steve was born. And Sarah Rogers died when Steve was just a teen.

Little did Matthew know, Steve Rogers would become the well known hero, Captain America.

Matthew Kunzers made his way to Boston in August, 1850. After arriving, the 17 year old Kunzers had an idea. It was a common idea, one that many people have probably had before him. He said to himself, “I wonder what allows birds to fly. If I could somehow create some type of flying mechanism, it would speed up peoples’ long travels.

So Matthew sat down and began drawing birds. He found that if he could create some kind of object that would portray the wings of the bird, he could achieve success. The following day, he began piecing together objects. Many people saw him at work in the local park and believed he was a mad man.

Matthew Kunzers Analyzing his Flying Machine Model

“You can’t fly, only birds are meant to do that!” said one man.

Matthew responded with, “Listen up homie, you shut up, ’cause I do whateva I wanna do, foo. Now go say ‘Hi’ to your motha for me.”

After a week’s work, Matthew finished his prototype and was ready to test his great machine.

He was full of joy, and shouted, “After a week’s work, I finished my prototype and am ready to test my great machine!”

Matthew climbed to the top of the biggest hill in Boston, and prepared for his flight. The weather was getting worse as the day progressed, so Matthew decided that the test flight must be attempted immediately. A large, curious crowd quickly gathered to see Matthew take off. Many of the people did not believe that he would be able to accomplish such a feat, but Matthew believed in himself began running towards the edge of the hill, and jumped. The wings pulled Matthew up off the ground and he began to soar. The crowd cheered as Kunzers soared through the air.

On that day, Matthew Kunzers was the first man to ever actually fly (and not fall to his death). And Matthew flew for hours, zipping through the air, with the birds, and the wind in his hair. He truly was enjoying life… Until he got struck by lightning, plummeted over 100 feet, and landed safely in a pond. Poor Matthew had forgotten about the poor weather that had approached quickly.

Kunzers right before his first fly.

When Kunzers climbed out of the pond, he felt weird, energized or something of those sorts. The following day, Matthew decided that his flying days were over, and chose to send all his information to a random person, in a random place in the United States. That man ended up being Hiram Maxim (who later moved to England to “invent” the first flying machine in 1894 and steal Kunzers’ thunder).

After Matthew rid of his flying schematics, he remained in Boston about 10 years to make a living and raise money to travel south to New York and enlist in the military.

To be continued…

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]]>https://detric.wordpress.com/2010/04/20/matthew-kunzers-2/feed/1Bonerman 5000Matthew KunzersMatthew Kunzers Analyzing His ModelMatthew Kunzers Prepares for FlyingProminent Figures In History: Matthew Kunzershttps://detric.wordpress.com/2010/04/15/matthew-kunzers/
https://detric.wordpress.com/2010/04/15/matthew-kunzers/#commentsThu, 15 Apr 2010 13:59:22 +0000http://detric.wordpress.com/?p=91Today, America, I want to recognize a Prominent Figure In History. He went by the name of Matthew Kunzers…

Matthew Kunzers (1834-1918)

Matthew Kunzers was born in what would be modern-day Saskatchewan, Canada in 1834. The exact location is unknown, but when Matthew was barely a year old, Walter and Ira Kunzers, Matthew’s parents, crossed the border into America. Within a few weeks both Walter and Ira were killed by a massive pack of bears. A second before Walter died, he whispered to Matthew, “My son, live for a super long time, and do good stuff. Ahhhh! My intestines are being eating by this bear, I’m being eaten alive. No! No, not my eye balls! I am still alive and being mauled by the bears…………… I’m dead, now.” Matthew never forgot his father’s words (even though he was a baby and couldn’t speak English yet). Soon, the bears found baby Matthew, but instead of tearing his little baby body to pieces, they decided to adopt him as their own.

Matthew grew up just like every boy in the 1800’s. By the time he was 2, he could communicate with most bears in the Northwestern parts of America. In 1838, when Matthew was 4, there was a massive bear fight and Kunzers was separated from his bear family. He began traveling South, wandering aimlessly throughout Midwest America, surviving using his hunting skills that his bear pack had taught him.

Drawing of young Kunzers by the military unit that found him. (1839)

Young Matthew soon reached the Mississippi River, where he was located by a small military unit who were just chilling. The soldiers took him in, and allowed the boy to travel with them. Matthew spent over a year with the unit, learning how to speak English, use their weapons, and a bunch of other military hooplah. The unit and Kunzers bonded well, and when the soldiers finally returned to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in 1840, Matthew had a was greeted by a warm welcome. The boy liked Philadelphia, it was a nice town full of nice people, and he fit in very well.

By the time Matthew was 15, he made a nice living for himself. Matthew had a great job as an apprentice, and he had a majestic steed which he rode in town everyday. One winter in 1849, Matthew decided to build a home for all the orphan children of Philadelphia. All the orphans could stay in the home but only under one condition; they had to be good citizens. Soon Matthew Kunzer and his fellow orphan friends became known as the “Sunshine Kids” due to their good deeds they did for the society.

But then arose there was a rival gang that arose in the South side of Philadelphia. They were known as the Moonshine Men. The Moonshine Men were rough, mean fellows (and also in their 30’s). Not only did they produce, drink, and sell moonshine, but they also had a fiery hate for the Sunshine Kids and especially Matthew Kunzers.

One night, Kunzer returned from his job and saw that the Sunshine home was set on fire by the Moonshine Men. Matthew quickly rushed into the burning building and rescued all 247 children in under 5 minutes, setting the world record for most orphans saved from a burning building in under 5 minutes.

A picture drawn by Kunzers. Believed to be the family of bears he was raised by. (1844)

Luckily, not one child was hurt.

Matthew Kunzer decided that the Moonshine Men needed to be stopped before they would hurt anyone else. So he assembled the Sunshine Kids, and plotted the most strategically advanced attack ever created in history. On January 3rd, 1850, Kunzer and the Sunshine Kids attacked and brutally murdered all of the Moonshine Men. The town rejoiced and held a massive party in celebration of the great victory.

The next day, after rebuilding the Sunshine home, Kunzer was packing up to leave when a beautiful girl named Sarah Rogers asked him, “Why are you leaving?”

Matthew responded by saying, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world. So, I am off to make other lives better. I’m heading to Boston, but maybe I’ll see you again sweet cheeks.”

To be continued…

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]]>https://detric.wordpress.com/2010/04/15/matthew-kunzers/feed/2Bonerman 5000Matthew KunzersYoung KunzersBear FamilyContest Anyone?https://detric.wordpress.com/2010/03/20/contest-anyone/
https://detric.wordpress.com/2010/03/20/contest-anyone/#commentsSat, 20 Mar 2010 06:26:30 +0000http://detric.wordpress.com/?p=82Okay, America… I will give away a prize to the first someone who can beat my record at balancing an apple on their ear for the longest amount of time. The current record stands at 4 minutes and 32.7 seconds. I don’t know what the prize is going to be so look at this picture of an apple for a second.

Because seriously, storks seem really clumsy. Also, carrying a baby in a large square handkerchief, in the storks mouth, hundreds of feet in the air, over long distances? What the hell??? That seems extremely unsafe. I mean, one false move and you have an 7 pound infant falling from the sky.

Honestly, think about it… You’re sitting in your home, eating dinner with your family. Everything is peaceful, and you are about to take a bite of your potato sandwich, when all of the sudden. SHHHWOOOMBANGRATATATA!!!! This freakin’ baby falls through your roof, and its little baby parts are splattered all over your potato sandwich. What makes things worse is that somehow this powerful orchestral song starts playing, and everything is all in slow motion. Then this stray dog comes in and takes your potato sandwich that is covered in baby juices, and runs off down the street and into the sunset with it. So, not only is all of your mother’s fine China broken, but you are traumatized because your delicious potato sandwich slathered with baby is gone (of course a potato sandwich is still good after it gets soaked in baby juices). All because some couple in Kentucky wanted to have a freakin’ baby and some stork just was too clumsy.

It's a bird! It's a plane! No it's Superman! Wait no... It's just a stork and a baby.

]]>https://detric.wordpress.com/2010/03/19/clumsy-storks/feed/0Bonerman 5000StorkReady or Not… Mulletshttps://detric.wordpress.com/2010/03/16/ready-or-not-mullets/
https://detric.wordpress.com/2010/03/16/ready-or-not-mullets/#respondTue, 16 Mar 2010 02:01:04 +0000http://detric.wordpress.com/?p=59America… I wanted to add this section called ready or not. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it, so right now I’m just free-ballin’ it. Although, this ready or not could be about…

Ready or not America, mullets are on their way back and soon we may have freakin’ mullet revolution on our hands. But don’t worry, we can stop this from ever happening.

I am now proposing my 5 Step De-Mulletizer Plan which will eliminate every mullet in America. If you follow along you can help reduce the mullet population. (Hint: Still free ballin’)

1) Spotting the Mullet

– Spotting a mullet can be difficult, although if you read the following, you should be able to spot a mulleteer from a mile away. A mulleteer usually is wearing the following:

A Nasty Tan

Hairy Chest

A Beer (with a koozie, hiding the cheap-ness of the beer. The koozie usually having a NASCAR number on it)

Some Ripped jean shorts

A Ripped sleeveless shirt (it is common to see profanity or hunting quotes on it) – Mulleteers also come shirt-free quite often.

Bad Tattoos

Is this man wearing pants? We'll never know...

2) Planning Your Strike

– This is the most vital part of the 5 Step De-Mulletizer Plan, next to destroying the actual mullet. Therefore, listen very carefully. First we need to assess the problem with every mullet… That is the mulletail. Some ancient civilizations actually believe that the mulletail controls the person to which it is attached. It slowly eats away at the brain, and increases the enjoyment of watching fast vehicles go in circles. So the front of the mullet is not the problem, it is the back.

Understanding this, we must now know where to cut the mulletail. I drew a diagram below to map out the exact coordinates that would remove the mullet, and turn it into a relatively normal haircut.

(Map created using Microsoft Paint)

Understanding this information allows the Mullet Remover to thoroughly destroy the mulletail.

3) Equipping Yourself

– I wrote a brief list off possible tools that will cut a mullet that are rated from 1-10. 10 being the least effective and 1 being the most.

Katana: 1 – being not only a light and stealthy tool, the katana can slice through nearly anything, which comes in handy if the mulleteer puts up a fight.

Chainsaw: 2 – once a mulleteer sees you running after them, they turn their backs to escape. A great opportunity to chop off that mulletail.

Scissors: 3 – scissors allow a Mullet Remover to swiftly sneak up behind the mulleteer to cut off the mulletail.

High-Powered Laser: 4 – this weapon would be super fun to shoot. And it might be able to take down a mullet.

A Serrated Knife: 5 – to ensure a mullet gets completely mutilated, extend the length of the knife, and rip and shred at the mullet until it comes free.

Table Saw: 6 – if a mulleteer could be put onto the table saw and strapped down, then the mulletail could be effectively measured by comparing the map above to the correct positioning for the cut. However, this maneuver may be difficult.

Machine Gun: 7 – mulleteers are attracted to weapons and you may soon be horded by hundreds of them if you were seen with this tool.

A Mulleteer’s bones: 8 – (note: this tool may used after accidents with 2, 6, and 7) these bones are thin and fragile, therefore making them an unusable tool to remove a mullet.

Your Teeth: 9 – who knows what has been in a mulleteer’s hair… and for how long.

A Turtle: 10 – sicking a turtle on a mullet does absolutely nothing.

4) Elimate the party in the back.

– Everyone has heard the saying, “business in the front, party in the back.” Well let’s be honest… There isn’t any partying going on back there, so it’s time to take this sucker down. After equipping yourself and printing out a copy of the hand-drawn map above… Feel free to remove that mullet. You can either go in sneakily, or with a battle-cry screaming, “THIS MULLET MUST BE STOPPED!!!” Just don’t draw too much attention to yourself, or give away any personal information.

5) Assess the Situation

– On some occasions, a De-Mulletization can be traumatizing for the mulleteer. Therefore, I recommend taking with you a juice box, cookie, or a blanket to comfort the person you have just de-mulletized. Otherwise, if the person is fine, just get as far away from the location as possible.

]]>https://detric.wordpress.com/2010/03/16/ready-or-not-mullets/feed/0Bonerman 5000Mullet KidMullet SpottingMulletail Cutting CoordinatesUnderstanding the Mindset of: A Zombiehttps://detric.wordpress.com/2010/03/10/understanding-the-mindset-of-a-zombie/
https://detric.wordpress.com/2010/03/10/understanding-the-mindset-of-a-zombie/#commentsWed, 10 Mar 2010 19:00:25 +0000http://detric.wordpress.com/?p=21Hi, America. Today I decided that everyone needs to understand that as we approach the month of April, and the season of spring, we need to be prepared for one thing…

A zombie invasion.

That looks like one peaceful community of zombies!

Zombies prosper in the spring time. Every person enjoys playing around outside in the spring. Unfortunately, so do zombies. And the only thing they are going to be playing is a game called “Eat the Human.” So what is a better way to defend yourself against a zombie apocalypse than to understand the mindset of a zombie.

1) What do zombies like?

– Zombies like to get together for community activities, like walking and eating. Their invovlement in these activities are very high, and it seems to bring pleasure to zombies. In fact, moans of joy can be heard from zombies quite often while they are participating in the events. (Note: on rare occasions they also enjoy hosting simple house parties)

-Zombies eat a plethora of things, like brains, arms, legs, ears, and intestines. They enjoy eating together whether it is as a family or as a hungry mob. Zombies aren’t ones for eating high class, which may also lead one to believe that they manage their money well.

Don't forget to brush your teeth!

3) What do zombies enjoy wearing?

-Fashion trends come and go, and since zombies enjoy being active but also stylish at the same time, so they usually wear ripped jeans (because they’re breathable) and t-shirts stained with the color red. Sometimes zombies enjoy being nude too.

As you can see, this zombie is rocking a sweet blazer. (from dailyzombie.com)

4) Do zombies speak any languages?

-Yes! Zombies speak fluent zombie. And they can speak a little bit of Korean.

5) Are zombies Republican or Democratic?

-Zombies actually try to stay out of politics as much as possible. But most zombies do follow the communist party. It could be because they like the color red, they think complete equality looks really good on paper, or they just think that Vladimir Putin is fly.

Zombies love this guy.

So hopefully this information will help you if you ever have an encounter with a zombie.

]]>https://detric.wordpress.com/2010/03/10/understanding-the-mindset-of-a-zombie/feed/1Bonerman 5000Zombie CommunityDoritos Zombie PartyZombie EatingHowdy ZombieVladimir PutinThe Detric is Bornhttps://detric.wordpress.com/2010/02/23/hello/
https://detric.wordpress.com/2010/02/23/hello/#respondTue, 23 Feb 2010 22:08:57 +0000So this would be my first post. And what does every one do for their first post?

Well, write a list of things that Americans hate, of course!

Number 1 – People!

Look at all those people... They make me feel all hate-y.

Yes, I noticed that we Americans seem to really hate a lot of people. Even our own! Whatever kind of person you are, you are hated! So please… Everyone stop trying to be liked, because the one and only American that is truly liked, is Jesus (and don’t you dare say that Jesus wasn’t American, because he was, and you’ll go to hell for saying that he isn’t).

Number 2 – Things!

It was either this picture or something dirty

It seems to be apparent that Americans really hate things. Especially scales and exercise rooms. Americans also hate things that are too loud (or too quite), too insulting, too dumb, and just too… too… well just too un-American.

Number 3 – Places!

I hate blue marbles!

Yes. It is true. Americans absolutely hate places. They are either too hot, too cold, too busy, or too boring. Let’s say for example… Hawaii. Hawaii seems to be an ideal place to settle down and enjoy life (and coconuts). But I will be honest. I have heard an extra American-y person say, “Hawaii is just too nice. It’s so Hawaiiy, and stuff.” Wow, if only I could achieve such a level of intelligence. And we all have to agree, because well… It’s the American thing to do.

Number 4 – Ideas!

Who thought of the light bulb representing a thought... Well we know he wasn't American.

I think we all can admit that ideas aren’t very American… I mean come on, thinking is really hard. And thinking intelligently? Well that’s stupid! It is just easier not to think. So ya… That’s all. Let’s just sum this up… America doesn’t like nouns.