Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

No, I will not share my IPod with you. Its called an IPod not an UsPod.

Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

If you “Friend Request” me on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you are a transformer.

‎69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

When life hands you lemons, calmly cut one in half, turn around and squirt juice in life’s eye.

is tired of girls complaining that there are no good guys left. Hello?? They’re where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

My friend just had a baby. He keeps going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son. He would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, “Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?”

That awkward moment when you’re in a heated argument and you say, “AND ANOTHER THING” then your mind goes blank.

Happy Friday!! And to all those Atheist and Agnostic people out there… T_IF

As a young child my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out the police call this “Identity Theft”

I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere.

Maybe your wishes would come true if instead of throwing a penny in a fountain you threw something in that wasn’t completely useless.

Wishes I had a “friend with benefits.” But the friend would own a pharmacy, and the benefits would be free valium.

<——— Drinks well with others.

Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He’s under a blanket.”

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said I usually respond to texts, check my emails and Facebook.

Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math… that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You’re welcome.

That awkward moment when you’re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.

Has never been to jail, but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at an Old Navy once.

My mother + my father – condom = MOST AWESOME PERSON ALIVE!

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

Thinks that Facebook has ruined school reunions. Now everyone knows you”re full of s$%& before you get there…

All the autotune in the world still doesn’t sound as cool as talking into a desk fan.

Thinks that the “speaking to another human being” feature of my phone has got to be my least favorite feature.

Instead of a “like” or even a “dislike” option, I’d like to know when someone reads my status update and just shakes their head disapprovingly.

People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with “lol” should be shot.

is it vodka o’clock yet?

Dad: Shame on you, Peter. Why did you hit your little sister?

Peter: Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself!

“Mary, why did you kick your brother in the stomach?! exclaimed the angry mother.

“It was pure accident, Mama. He turned around.”

“Mama, there’s a man at the door,” said little Johnny.

“He says he’s collecting for senior citizens. Do you think we should hide Grandpa?”

Mrs. Peterson went to the doctor: “I’m terribly worried about my boy. He thinks he’s a chicken.”

The doctor asked, “And how long has this been going on?”

“Almost a year,” Mrs. Peterson replied.

“Well for goodness sakes! Why didn’t you bring him to see me sooner?”

“Because we needed the eggs!”

It was the end of the school year and Joey’s mother asked: “And were the exam questions difficult?”

“They weren’t bad at all,” her son replied. “It was the answers that gave me all the trouble.”

A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”

“That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world’s worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

“Wonderful!” she replied, “However, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?”

Grandma and her little grandson were in the park picking up ripe walnuts on a beautiful fall day. “These are the kind of nuts your Daddy loves best,” she said.

The little boy replied, “Maybe he likes these things best but the nuts I like are doughnuts!”

“Did God make you, Papa?”

“Yep! He certainly did.”

“And did He make me too?”

“Of course, He did.”

“Well, He’s certainly doing better as He goes along, isn’t He?”

Little Emma returned from the birthday party and her mother asked: “Did you say ‘thank you’?”

“Well, no,” replied the little girl. “Y’see, the girl ahead of me thanked her and she said, ‘Don’t mention it!’ so I didn’t.”

Mom was preparing the two children for bed and was telling bedtime stories. She remarked that God made eyes to see, ears to hear, noses to smell and feet to run.

The little girl sat up and said, “But, Momma, I guess God got kinda mixed up with Tom, here, because Tom’s nose runs and his feet smell!”

With a frown wrinkling his forehead, little Johnny was working hard at his father’s desk scratching a pen along a page of his paper. His mother asked, “Are you writing a letter to your little girlfriend, Son?”

“Nope,” he grunted, “It’s a letter to myself.”

“Well,” she smiled, “What are you going to write about?”

“How should I know?” he squeaked, “I haven’t received it yet.”

A man called his friend’s house and a small voice greeted him.

“Is your Daddy there?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Could I speak with him?”

“He’s busy,” the little voice replied.

“Well, can I speak to your mother?”

“Nope, she is busy, too.”

“Well then, let me talk with your brother.”

“He’s busy, too.”

“For goodness sakes, what are they so busy doing?”

“They are looking for me!”

What can you put in your right hand but not your left?

Your left elbow.

Why do cows wear bells?

Their horns don’t honk.

Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”

Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”

Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

Kid: “Mamma, when the fire goes out where does it go?”

Mom: “My dear son, I don’t know. You might just as well ask me where your father goes when he goes out.”

A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”

He replied, “I study astronomy.”

“Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”

Little Bobbie, while at a neighbor’s, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said “Thank you.”

“Well,” rejoined Bobbie. “If you want to hear me say it again you might put some jam on it.”

Mother took Willie to his first concert. The conductor was leading the orchestra and directing the soprano soloist as well. Willie was greatly interested.

“Mother, why is that man shaking his stick at the lady?” he asked.

“Hush; he is not shaking his stick at her.”

“Then what is she screaming for?”

“Mother, can I have those apples on the sideboard?”

“Yes, dear!”

“Oh, I am so glad you said yes.”

“Why, are you so hungry?”

“No– but I’ve eaten them already.”

“Papa, what are ancestors?”

“Well, my son, I’m one of yours. Your grandpa is another.”

“Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?”

“What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up.”

“She got a terrible shock.”

“How was it?”

“She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church and she took off her new $2 hat and somebody sold it for 30 cents.”

A guide, showing an old lady through the Zoo, took her to a cage occupied by a kangaroo.

“Here, madam,” he said, “we have a native of Australia.”

“Good gracious,” she replied, “and to think my sister married one of them.”

“Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world?”

“A bartender, my boy.”

“When are you going on your vacation?”

“I don’t know. I’ve got to wait until the neighbors get through using my suitcase.”

“Don’t you agree that ‘time’ is the greatest healer?”

“He maybe, but he’s certainly no beauty specialist.”

“I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and was sampling it when–”

“Yes, yes; go on.”

“I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone!”

Two kids talking:

“I painted something for last year’s academy.”

“Was it hung?”

“Yes, near the entrance where everybody could see it.”

“Congratulations! What was it?”

“A board saying, ‘Keep To The Left’.”

Friend 1: “Did you know that I had taken up story-writing as a career?”

Friend 2: “No, sold anything yet?”

Friend 1: “Yes, my watch, my saxophone, and my overcoat.”

“What do you find the most difficult thing on the piano?”

“To pay the installments.”

Two girls:

“I’m going to buy a book.”

“A book!”

“Yes, my husband bought me the most adorable reading-lamb yesterday.”

Waiter: “Yes, sir, we are very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity.”

Diner: “I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock?”

Diner: “Waiter, the portions seem to have got a lot smaller lately.”

Waiter: “Just an optical illusion, sir. Now that the restaurant has been enlarged, they look smaller, that’s all.”

Teacher: “Tell me something about oysters, Johnny.”

Johnny: “They are very lazy. They are always found in beds.”

:

Jack and Jill Went Up the Hill Nursery Rhyme

Jack and Jill Nursery Rhyme

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown; and Jill soon came tumbling after.

has been changed to read:

Two young persons of opposite genders, proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance. The purpose of their expedition was to procure a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was omniously omitted from the record. As the male person precipitously descended, he consequently sustained severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomy. A similar fate befell the female, who immediately after the male person, performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction having been traversed by the young man.

Mary Had A Little Lamb Nursery Rhyme

Mary Had A Little Lamb Nursery Rhyme

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:

Mary had a little lamb. Its fleece was white as snow. Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.

has been changed to read:

A young person of the female gender was the possessor of a small immature ruminant of the species genus Ovis, whose outermost covering reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to that of a mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational path chosen by the aforesaid young person, there was a 100% probability that the aforementioned ruminant would select the same pathway.

Three Blind Mice Nursery Rhyme

Three Blind Mice Nursery Rhyme

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:

Three blind mice. See how they run. They all ran after a farmer's wife, who cut off their tails with a carving knife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life, as three blind mice?

has been changed to read:

A triumvirate of murine rodents totally devoid of ophthalmic acuity was observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's uxorial adjunct. The aforesaid adjunct then performed a triple caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used for subdivision of edible tissue.

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary Nursery Rhyme

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary Nursery Rhyme

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:

Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, and pretty maids all in a row.

has been changed to read:

A person of the female gender, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used for the production of various types of flora. The tract components were enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceanic growth, and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation.

Now my friends that you now have been politically challenged I think that it's a good time to say

Have a really Great Thursday Hugs and kisses to you all irrespective of your gender.