Taking Back My Life from Mental Illness

Note: This was originally written in January 2008 and was a recap of the prior 13 months from December 2006 to December 2007.

Trigger Warning: This was written at the end of a very chaotic year. There are several disturbing images and triggers within this entry.

Well I for one am thrilled that 2007 is finally over. It was a year of incredible highs and lows for me. It was a year where a lot of changes took place in my life, a year of growth, a year of joy and a year of pain. The high points of 2007 were amazingly high, the low points were devastatingly and dangerously low.

So what happened to make this such an eventful year? *sigh*…where to start..well guess let’s take it from the top. This first thing actually was at the end of 2006, but was so close to the start of 2007 and had a huge impact on the year for me that it needs to be mentioned here. At the end of 2006, after 5.5 years of marriage and 3years of engagement I told my soon to be ex-wife that she needed to leave and drove her down to SC to stay with a friend. This decision had both positive and negative implications for me this past year. On the positive side, it put an end to a great deal of stress and aggravation for me. It also gave me a chance to pursue the D/s (Domination/submission) lifestyle in real life. I had long considered it an “interest” for me, but within the last 18 months or so I came to realize that it is much more than that for me. That it is what I need, it is who and what I am. On the negative side, the pending divorce has caused me some stress bickering with my ex-wife over the settlement since I feel her demands are quite excessive. It also has left me quite alone at home, most of the time this isnt too big an issue but some days..*smh*..some days its devastating for me, reducing me to tears.

Starting at roughly the same time and continuing into early 2007, I renewed a sexual relationship with someone I knew for many years. Once again, I allowed myself to get way to wrapped up in her and got myself into a world of pain. She was in the same place I was, getting divorced from her husband. She had two little girls and sexual interests that lined up well with mine. At first it was supposed to be devoid of emotions and feelings for each other. Unfortunately, as always I let feelings come forth, and as usual she did not reciprocate. I did everything I could to show her how I felt. That I wanted to be with her and that even though the girls weren’t mine and she could not have any with met that it didn’t matter to me that I would love them as much as if they had been from her and I. During Christmas ’06, I drove down to see her, took a Christmas tree,decorations for the tree, presents for her, champagne, decorated the bed with faux flower petals that read out merry Christmas etc. I went all out for the holiday. When I saw the look on her face I wanted to cry I was so hurt. It was as if it meant nothing to her at all. After that it was all but over. I think I saw her maybe once or twice more in 2007, up until the end of Jan. before it was over totally.

For months I did what I could to help support her and her girls. I was giving her 200-300$ every two weeks usually. Putting it right in her bank account so she could help pay her bills since she was going to school to be a Physical Therapist Assistant and was only working a few hours a week as a result. Given her track record I should have known better than to trust her. She had already used me 2x in the past. Once for sex the second time to make her husband jealous since he knew of our past. We tried to keep in touch as friends but that fell apart toward the middle of the year. At that point she tried to tell me I OWED her money. Owed her money because I said I would cover a certain bill, but she dragged her feet giving me the totals and doing what I asked and the bill ran up even more. By this time her and I had already broken off our relationship. She had said she felt I only helped her because she was sleeping with me and I felt that she was only sleeping with me because I gave her money. Beyond that she had totally disrespected me in so many ways and it was more than I was willing to deal with so it was over.

After this fiasco I met someone in The Pork that I was very fond of to say the least. She lived locally to me and I thought that there was a good chance at something rt. This never manifested itself of course. The time we had together was enjoyable but short lived. She was getting ready to move overseas to further her career while in the middle of one assignment that took up most of her time. I saw her a little here and there and then suddenly she vanished. To this day I still have not heard anything from her. I have sent her a few random emails to see how she is and what she is up to but have not heard back.

While she was away I met “v”. “v” I could write many volumes on. There is so much to say about her and the time that we had. Her and I met while I was waiting for the one to come back and became instant friends who had a strong attraction to each other. We quickly began talking about a future together one day but there were a number of things that needed to be overcome first. Out of respect for her privacy I will not go into the details. Sadly ,the relationship was short lived even though neither of us wanted it to end. There were a variety of reasons that caused it to end, but though it caused a great deal of pain, it was what needed to happen in her best interests. She was one of the highest highs and lowest lows of the year. The time we had together was amazing, the loss of her was amazingly painful.

<I have deleted several paragraphs for privacy reasons>

Now sometime around September or so, my life got devastatingly hard. I don’t know what brought it about for sure, I think it was a combination of all the loss from 2007, the divorce, a lot of hours at work and God knows what else. Since that time though I have been at times borderline suicidal. Feeling that death was the only escape from the pain that ripped at my heart and soul. I spent many hours just curled up crying. At times I would lay there and cry for up to 2hrs just wracked completely by pain. Feeling that I was alone against the world and had nothing to live for, saw no reason to fight, felt I had been fighting my whole life and that it was time to just give up the fight. The pain and sorrow that I have felt is beyond words. I can not properly put them into any words at all. A few years back I wrote a dark poem that does not even begin to show this new pain, but I include it here anyway:Trapped in ones own mind alone and confused,
dark thoughts filling every moment,
spiraling into a deeper and darker sadness.

a raging storm deep in my heart and soul
dark waves crashing all around
deafening thunderclaps shaking the ground
streaks of lightening , the only light around,
brightening the blackness to noontime light

at times I long for the days when the pain was only to that level…

also on the loss front I have lost three important people to me at work this year…my tech lead (Dinesh), my deputy project manager (Denise) and my best friend at the office (lizzie liz). I cried over each of them leaving as all of them were highly valued by me. Dinesh was amazing to me, she believed in me from day one, before I had even proven myself to her. She believed in my even when I didn’t believe in myself. I learned alot from her in the two years we worked together. I miss her guidance, her thoughts and advice so much, even now writing this I am tearing up. Then there was liz..this one devastated me. I cried for 2hrs the night before she was leaving the office. Liz is another truly remarkable person. Just by her walking by you forget your worries and have to smile. It is almost impossible to be depressed around her. I know I have tried to be. She has a geninue concern for people and does not judge you for your beliefs or interests. I cried to her a number of times over people. She was the only one in the office to truly care and listen. The others I tried to talk to made joke or told me I should change or that I wasn’t good enough to be seen with for one reason or another. Her friendship has come to mean so much to me, losing her from the office has been very hard indeed.

On the upside of things, I got an excellence award in September for my work . I cant tell you how nice that was. From the first day I started at my company I was determined to get one. I finally did after almost three full years of hard work. I also got a chance to get out to NM to meet my ke’chara. Ke’chara has been my best friend now for the last few years and it was so nice to get to meet her finally. I even got to hang out with her husband one day and he showed me how to fire a gun. *G*..that was oddly enough FUN!… also got to meet her two daughters and watch them play softball. It was a good time for sure for me.

Another major thing that happened this year, that one that was using me for money earlier this year, by her own admission, was kicked out of my life once more. Well actually this time it was by her choice. I told her of a hard situation that I was about to face and that she had to choose, to either be my friend and love me unconditionally as such or to leave. The answer she gave me infuriated me especially since it was “well I need to think about it so this isn’t an answer yet” bullshit things…Being an unconditional friend is not something you should need to think about..so I told her that as far as I was concerned she made her decision and to get the fuck lost.

As far as physically, I have gotten myself two tattoos, an earring and grown my hair out to about shoulder length and wear it in a ponytail most of the time now. I also almost always dress in head to toe black outside of work and hardly own anything else then all black.