How I went to Ikea and met my Waterloo

Sunday 20 April 2003 05.16 EDT
First published on Sunday 20 April 2003 05.16 EDT

Seven million of us suffer from moneyphobia - apparently we come out in a rash or suffer dizzy spells at the mere thought of checking our bank balances or paying the latest car repair bill, a survey by Egg, the internet bank reveals.

The recent council tax increases may well have pushed even more of us over the edge. Property, however, has the opposite effect.

I put it down to Napoleon Bonaparte. After he lost the battle of Waterloo, the French general shrugged off his defeat by calling us a nation of shopkeepers. The insult was too hard to bear, and it didn't take long for us to reinvent ourselves as an island of house-lovers with every type of media extolling our homes, gardens, locations and interiors. If only Napoleon had known the real truth, he might have tried a bit harder.

Last Saturday I took a boarding party to Ikea. Like the Duke of Wellington at Waterloo I wanted victory with little cost. My strategy was simple - a full-frontal attack on four departments that would enable us to van ish into the April sunshine by mid-afternoon.

But I hadn't reckoned on the opposition: 18 hot-dogs, nine ice-creams and two urns of coffee later I realised why the Wembley branch of the Swedish superstore is known as the world's fifth busiest shopping centre. We got lost among the kitchens, failed to find the birch bookshelves and ended up collapsed on the floor of the basement market-place.

We limped out at nightfall, arriving at Browne Towers an hour later where we reluctantly began to unload. To our dismay we discovered we were three chairs, one chest of drawers and a pair of plate-racks short. I blamed the hot dogs, but Mary was more sanguine. She suggested we arrange a home delivery. I told her this was against Ikea policy: the customer must always return to pick up their order or arrange a delivery on-site - the idea being that each time you visit you'll see another colourful throw to take home - or in our case leave behind.