One girl's twistedly fantastic interpretation of what the hell is really going on in those tribes.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Devil Went Down To Samoa

Talofa Survivor fans! That means "hello" in Samoan. A long time ago some Italian dude named Botticelli created a masterpiece called The Birth Of Venus. It depicted the beautiful goddess Venus emerging from the ocean surrounded by gods blowing her towards the seashore. Last night in Samoa a similar image appeared. A delicious morsel of mulletted goodness arrived on the shores and declared herself to be "Shambo". She didn't arrive on a half shell like Venus did, but she did arrive in a canoe and that's good enough for me. Let's recap last night, shall we?

The opening sequence of Survivor Samoa was none other than stunning. The cinematography manages to outdo itself every season. Georgia O'Keefe would have loved that opening shot of the waterfall. Am I the only one who thought it looked like a giant vagina? Dimples Probst, the best reality show host on the planet, delivers my favorite opening lines of all time, "39 days, 20 people, 1 survivor!" And then we see that magnificent helicopter shot that slowly pulls away and then goes bam, bam, bam to a teeny tiny Probsty in the distance. I fucking love that shot. Every season it gets me. Every season I get my gorgeous opening, my favorite lines, my helicopter shot, and my theme song that I dance wildly to every year. The dance has morphed over the years into a Latin/Afro/Celtic sort of number where I fling my head back and forth to the, "Hay day doh dee doh dee doh's". Now tell me why I was furious last night. Yep. I didn't get my dance time. Where in the hell was my theme song bitches? I got up to dance and was left standing there like a moron. I kicked my leprechaun and demanded he play me a tune on his bagpipes. That shit better be there next week. I want my "Hay day doh dee doh dee doh's."

OK so the new castaways arrive on shore and they're already divided into their tribes, Galu and Foa Foa. Dimples tells them they've got to pick a leader right quick and they come up with Russell S. for Galu and Mick for Foa Foa. Mick? Seriously? Dude is a tool. Oh how heavenly was it when Shannon basically cried out, "I'm Shambo dammit!" when Dimples asked her name. I instantly poured my mimosa down my chest and let Mr. O'Shaugnessy lick it off. Whiny hillbilly Ben bitches about how no one wrote his name down and I started throwing darts at my tv. Maybe the skunky stripe in his hair had something to do with the fact that no one wanted him as a leader. My instincts about him were so right on. He could fall into a Samoan volcano and I wouldn't bat an eyelash.

The tribe leaders are immediately instructed to pick the best swimmer, the strongest, the most agile, and the smartest. Mick, in some convoluted "I'm not a racist, but I play one on TV" logic, picks African god Jaison as the best swimmer. He claims he's going against stereotypes, but not 2 seconds later he picks Asian Liz as the smartest. Owww... damn that Hypocradar can get loud sometimes. Anyhow, Galu has Jaison, Russell H., Marisa, and Liz competing. Foa Foa has John, Eric, Yasmin, and Shambo. They have to paddle their little hearts out and retrieve a key. Then they have to carry some ginormous log bundles to a mat, perform a balance beam routine, do a perfect double back, stick it, unlock the puzzle, and piece together some kind of tower with antlers. A hell of an opening challenge if you ask me.

Dimples says, "Survivors ready? Go!" and they're off. Michael Phelps, I mean Jaison, wins the 200 meter butterfly and passes off to Russell H. who carries his first bundle like it's a box of feathers. Meanwhile Rocket Boy John is crawling exhausted on the shore struggling to breathe and pretty much having a heart attack. He tries to locate Erik for the key hand-off, but his vision must have been fading or something. Erik, furious that Rocket Boy basically did the doggie paddle the whole time, snatches the key and goes to work on his bundles and, let me tell you, the boy is stronger than he looks. He grunts the first bundle to the mat and then goes back to retrieve his second one. Both Russell H. and Erik are basically giving themselves hernias trying to lug their second bundles to the finish. I totally think those second logs were made of iron weights by the way. Russell finishes first and Marisa mounts the beam. She sticks the dismount and passes off to Liz who gets to work on the puzzle. Erik finally drags his dead bodies to the mat and Yasmin attacks her beam. She's quick and nimble and passes off to the Lady Of The Mullet. Shambo is way behind, but her mullet is infused with a magical power and she actually catches up to Liz. In a nail biter of an ending Liz wins by a matter of seconds and the Foa Foa tribe is rewarded with flint. All that for a piece of rock? LOL

After the competition Bitch Boy Erik comments on John, "Pretty boy maybe couldn't swim, but get your ass off the mat! Unbelievable. He shouldn't be here." As much as I loathe STD Erik, he's right on the money about Rocket Boy. In the meantime, Marisa is over at Foa Foa crediting Mick with the win because he made such stellar picks. OK I'll give him that. His team did totally kick ass. Probstey gives the tribes their maps, tell them to fuck off, and goes back to his tent to be entertained by a local Samoan masseuse. Oh come on... you know that's how it went down.

Then we get the most glorious gift from heaven. It's as if precious little fairies with pink wings delivered Russell H. to me on a cloud of cotton candy. Russell H., whom I'll now refer to as Lucifer, is a short, fat, misogynist that I can't help but want to bake cookies for. Dude even has the most evil villain eyebrows you've ever seen. I heart him and everything he stands for. Lucifer has a plan and his plan is to make the rest of his tribe as miserable as possible. He's so Keyser Soze it's unreal. He's literally going to be the devil while all the while convincing everyone that the devil doesn't exist. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got ourselves a fucking great villain. How fabulous would he have been in the Big Brother house? I have to fan myself just thinking about it. His deception is the kind of deception I dream about. He's clever, rude, manipulative, duplicitous, and oh so evil. The dude is already a millionaire. He's got nothing to lose and I just know he's going to turn Foa Foa into a living hell.

Lucifer wastes no time forming, what he calls, the Dumb Ass Girl Alliance. Yes, it's rude and wretched and completely misogynist, but for the sake of the game I'm going to ignore all that. Mick is busy at the tribe asking everyone what their skills are (I was totally waiting for someone to say "Numchuck skills" a la Napolean Dynamite) and Lucifer informs us, "I didn't come here to work. I came here to play." and I immediately wonder if he'd prefer Oatmeal Raisin to Chocolate Chip. Lucifer goes on to tell us that his strategy is to make secret alliances with every single one of the "dumb girls". OK I'll admit I poked Mr. O'Shaugnessy in the eye for that one, but then I went right back to being captivated. Lucifer approaches Ashley, Natalie and Marisa and announces, "I got an alliance with the dumb short haired blonde, the dumb longer haired blonde, and the dumb dark haired one." Poetry. Pure poetry, my friends. He approaches Betsy last and lovingly refers to her as the "the old lady". He knows she's smarter than the other girls so he makes a mental note to keep an eye on her.

I take a break from making a pine cone wreath in Lucifer's honor and head on over to Galu to check out what's going on there. Russell S., let's call him "Dreads", is such a nice guy and you can tell that he really wants everyone to get along. The only problem is he kind of needs to put his foot down with the uber Tools he has on his tribe. John, Dave, and Ben are trying to out douche each other in a testosterone competition while Dreads simply wants to build a damn shelter. Shambo, the love of my life, is hanging back picking her teeth with tree bark (no, not really, but it totally would have fit the scene) thinking they're all dumb and need to make a fucking decision already. Rocket Boy is going on and on about them being over budget back at the construction office and I stabbed myself in between my toes with a letter opener. What the hell is he talking about? All he wants to do is talk and plan and make financial statements. All I can do is be happy in the knowledge that his time in Samoa will most likely be limited. Actually, Galu should be happy that their biggest problem is building a shelter. They should be braiding each other's hair and making sock puppets over the fact that Lucifer isn't anywhere near their tribe.

Back in hell (Foa Foa), Lucifer is telling everyone a lovely little bedtime story. He tells everyone he was a fireman in Hurricane Katrina and his precious german shepard drowned by the water rushing into his house. He was forced to live on his roof for 2 days while mourning his dead dog, the best friend he ever had. *stands and applauds* Lucifer does Johnny Fairplay better than Johnny Fairplay ever did. The whole story is a bedazzled gift of lies and everyone in the tribe falls for it and wipes away their tears. Lucifer sits there fondling his tail and thinking of ways to torture to the young innocent members of his tribe. He decided to pour out ALL the water from their canteens. He says, "I'm planning on weeding out the weak right off the bat. I plan on making it as miserable as I can for everybody." Ok so water is a big deal on Survivor. It's a whole long process to boil it, sterilize it, bottle it, etc. It's not like they have access to a craft services table or anything. Lucifer dumps the life saving nectar out while twirling the edges of his evil moustache and giggling like a little girl. He's not done yet bitches. He takes it to a whole new level when he burns Jaison's socks in the fire. I can literally begin to see the horns begin to grow out of Lucifer's head at this point and I start to clap and have Mr. O'Shaugnessy tickle my no-no. It's at this moment where Twitter begins to go nuts hating Lucifer. These people wouldn't know a good character if it sat on their face. Lucifer is wildly entertaining! I really hope he sticks around for a while and that someone like Kelly or Shambo manages to get him voted off. It all needs to end in a woman kicking his ass.

The next day Foa Foa arises to find their water gone and they all begin to get snippy with each other. It's all going to Lucifer's evil plan and he just sits back and sharpens his pitchfork. Then we get our Immunity Challenge and Dreads is all happy and delighted to be there. He compliments his tribe on how lovely and capable they are and Mick immediately shoots him down saying, "I've never read that book... Things Losers Say." Oh it's on bitches! Dreads is unthrilled and he just got his mojo delivered. He's ready to whoop some ass and make Foa Foa eat their words (and probably their young). The tribes have to carry 3 sections of rope over ramps that consecutively get higher. They have to tie the rope to a heavy crate and then pull the crate in and make a puzzle with the pieces inside. The winning tribe gets the Immunity Idol.

"Survivors ready? Go!" And they're off... Galu literally sails over the first ramp with no hesitation. Yasmin and Dreads have problems with the second ramp. On the third ramp they make a human ladder which is actually quite ingenious and they keep a steady lead. Over at Foa Foa, the dehydrated sockless bunch struggle over every ramp. Eventually, they copy Galu's Human Ladder strategy and they begin to catch up. Both tribes pull their crates in like crazy and then the puzzle solvers go to work. It's frighteningly close with both teams struggling to get their puzzles started. Galu catches a break in the puzzle (thanks to Shambo Warrior Princess) and... "Galu wins immunity!" They cheer and hug and chant, "GALU, GALU, GALU IS ON FIRE!" It's a catchy little tune I kept humming all night.

Foa Foa cry and whimper and sulk back to their hell on earth. Ashley begins to worry about who'll go home. She's concerned it could be her yet she doesn't want to approach anyone or say anything. While she's bitching and not cutting any deals, Mike and Mick are plotting to send her ass home. Now I know Ashley is Chelsia Hart's (BB10) friend and all, but I don't like her one bit. I didn't like her in her cast video and I don't like her now. By the time she gets to Tribal Council, I'll full on hate the bitch.

Lucifer begins to scheme and talk to everyone which makes Marisa nervous. She approaches Lucifer and tell him she's wary of his intentions because she always sees him talking to other tribe members. Oh Marisa... you've done it now. Don't you know never to question the Lord Of The Underworld? He'll seek revenge, kill your family, and skewer your puppies. And that's precisely what Lucifer did. He runs to Jaison, Betsy, and Mike and throws Marisa under the bus saying she threatened him. He tells us, "My tribe will believe anything I tell them at any point because they're just stupid. Mick's the leader, but I'm the one in charge." Betsy runs to Natalie and says, "I don't trust Russ. I just don't." Natalie asks her why and Betsy replies, "Woman's intuition." Bless your heart Betsy! I want you to take that woman's intuition and join up with Shambo and Kelly at the Merge and use it to send Lucifer home.

Foa Foa heads to Tribal Council and Dimples says, “In this game fire represents your life.” He's so dramatic I love it. Probsty asks Ashley how she's feeling and she says, "It makes me sad. It is what it is." Oh shut up you idiot. There is no phrase on earth I hate more than, "It is what it is." If you are ever in my presence, do yourselves a favor and NEVER EVER EVER say that around me or you'll know what it's like to have hot poker thrust into your spleen. Probst asks Lucifer why he just doesn't get rid of Ashley since this is all basically a trip to the mall for her. Lucifer has bigger fish to fry - namely Marisa. She crossed him and now she must suffer. Betsy disagrees and says Ashley is indeed the weakest. To which ASSley says, "I find it entertaining that she finds me the weakest link. Cardio wise... I'm fit." This isn't a step class at Crunch Gym you idiot. Marisa chimes in and says there are different types of weakness. Ben, sick of being ignored and not getting air time, snaps at Marisa and mocks her. It gets a little ugly with Lucifer and Ben ganging up on Marisa so Probst shuts them all up and makes them vote.

By a vote of 6-3, the first person voted out of Survivor Samoa is Marisa. The tribe has spoken. Dammit! I had high hopes for Marisa and would have really liked her and her cute little hairdo to stick around. Lucifer has claimed one life and I fear for what he'll do next.

Now I open the floor to all you good people. Who are you liking? Who are you hating? Is Russell H. tickling your no-no or making you go to church and pray for his soul? Newcomers, did you enjoy your first taste of Survivor Samoa and, more importantly, will you be sending me a fruit basket as a result?

22 comments:

I totally agree with you about Russell - he is gonna be hugely entertaining, I couldn't believe it when he was telling his totally fabricated bedtime story...and they were all buying it. I just hope he doesn't pull a Ronnie and play too hard too fast. Luvin me some Shambo too!

Lala. In my opinion you are solely responsible for excitement equivalent to that generated when television went from black & white to color. You single handedly inspire more interest in watching a particuar TV show, reading your analysis, commenting and then sticking with it through its full run. You my dear, are a force of nature.

For the record, I had not watched BB in 5 years until I ran across your Blog...then tuned it in and hadn't watched Survivor in 2-3 years. Now I'll watch a friggin' commercial if you are going to write about it.

In conclusion, I won't be sending a fruit basket but it sounds like I need to send YOU a vibrator with a die hard battery for your viewing pleasure with Dimples (love that name.) LMFAO (Is he your Jeff sista'? LMFAO) xoxoxo

I love Russel (Lucifer) but the last thing I would want for him is to win. I agree that it would be awesome if Shambo or Betsy got him out some time in the future...but not too soon...he's good t.v.Poor Kelly...I barely even saw her last night.. You wouldn't even know she was there...but it's almost a good thing b/c if you're not showcased on the episode then you know they're not getting voted off that week.Thanks for posting so soon after the episode! I still check your BB blog by habit.

Totally agree about Russel, he is hilariously evil. Loving the Dimples nickname for Probst, I agree he is the best host of all the reality tv shows. Thanks for the great blog and will be looking forward to reading it again next week!

I was also extremely disappointed about not hearing that great theme song. It's just not Survivor night without it. Love Russel, can't wait to see what kind of evil he dreams up every week. Also loving Shambo. Looking forward to her and Russel doing battle after the merge.

I always enjoy your blog and can't wait to find out your take on each episode. You deserve an edible bouquet (with chocolate)!! Keep up the good work.

ooohhh, Lala, I just knew you'd love that pudgy lil' devil!! He was doing great by me 'til he dumped their water, that was a mite too far for me. That tore any wish for him to stay and entertain me. Your blog is super-fantastic as always. Give Mr. O' a hug for me.

Can someone please enlighten me and answer one question. I'm from Canada, and the reference to black people and water, about swimming. What does that mean? Does that mean black people can't swim or what? Please tell me.

Kick ass synopsis. I'm printing it off and hanging it in my office as inspiration. If I played for the other team, I would so stalk you. Lucky you, I'll have to settle for chasing my husband around instead.

El Diablo is freaking fantastic! THIS is the villian you love to hate and makes entertaining viewing liquid chocolate you want to lick off your television. Unlike Ragamuffin, who was just in need of bipolar medication and a shower.

Shambo is indeed fabulous, but I think the lady cop will have El Diablo in chains long before the merge. It's a shame really, I'd LOVE to see a Shambo-El Diablo cage match with the other castaways screaming around the edges a la Thunderdome. "TWO MEN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVES!" LOL. Now that's a sight that would tickle your no-no!

So effing fabulous. Really... did they PLANT Russell??? THEY HAD TO! I love him despite my preacher, priest, and Sunday School teacher telling me not to. He is like your first taste of crack.... don't want it but damn it all to hell you have to have it.

As a Survivor Virgin, methinks you deserve a singing telegram... complete with "hay day doh dee doh dee dohs" and flailing limbs. Will SOOOO be watching and reading the fabulous Bitchy Blog.

You stole my heart with the Big Brother blog. As I am a much bigger Survivor fan, you may just get my soul with this one.......

I honestly thought that there was now some sort of covert lesbian intervention team that forcefully removed mullets such as Shambo's. I mean, even here in the deepest of the deep south, I haven't seen anything like that in a long time! She can easily win this season if she is careful. And I hope, pray, and beg the baby Jesus that she is Russell's undoing. Just not too soon, as he is going to be a lot of fun. That was the problem with Big Brother...... all of the interesting people left too soon. While BB was the most disappointing season ever as far I'm concerned, this could easily turn out to be one of the best Survivor seasons yet! And it will be even more entertaining having your reflections this time around.

Can you give me some insider knowledge on the best way to obtain my own leprechaun?

Have not watched this show in YEARS, but since I am a huge fan of your big brother blog,I thought I would give it a go.

Can I just say - GIRLS - wear some freaking clothes you can compete in!!!!!! ALl the boobs hanging out covered with blur lines is so freaking anoying!!!!! Why in gods name would you wear something your tits are going to hang out in to compete in a competition like this? And why in the hell does Survivor even show this on air???

If this kind of stupidity continues on the next episode I don't know if I will be able to watch any more of it.....keeping my fingers crossed this idiots learn how to dress for phyical competitions in the future!! :)

so I just watched Thursday's survivor. And concerning your feelings towards Russell i can't for the life of me figure out why on earth you would not WANT HIM TO FREAKING WIN!?! He is Ronnie/Evel Dick/Dr. Will/Jeff??:o all rolled into one. All in one jam packed premiere...

Love it!!! Shambo is great tv. It ought to be a great season w/lucifer (great nickname) and Id like to see him stick around a couple of weeks. Can you imagine what that man does with his money?!?! See ya next week

You have to think that Burnett sprouted a chubby when he saw Lucifer's audition tape. Could Shambo be the next Rupert ? Will Ashley have trouble submerging in any water challenge ? Am I hooked on your bithiness ?

Can't believe my fave girl got voted off first episode. Damn it!I have high hopes for Russel aka "The Devil"! He better not let me down. He may get burned by the overly obvious smirk he wears whenever something he does works. The best villains never show their happiness while in play... only during the private interviews...