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What motoring in Britain should be like

Motoring used to be a trouble-free hobby, where you could do whatever you wanted in your car at whatever speed you liked. You could be sipping champagne whilst doing 120 mph on your way to a party at the Royal Automobile Club. You could even throw caution to the wind and not wear a seatbelt.

Now, however, things are a little different. Our ever prying government has decided that you cannot do anything on the roads that they are not happy with. So now, instead of living the life of luxury that you had always dreamt of, you are constantly late, fined, pulled over, and made miserable. You even have to pay £8 per day to go into the capital.

Well, the time has come to make the government do what we want, not what they think we want, in the form of some motoring reforms. They may be basic, but here are a few ideas:

Parking would be free and organised by the government.

Speed cameras will be removed, or modified to prosecute drivers going to slowly.

Speed limits on all outer town roads will be abolished, similar to the German Autobahn. Advisory speed limits will be placed on twisty roads that show how quickly a rubbish car can travel on that road before it will lose grip and crash, and how quickly a really good car, such as a Ferrari or Aston Martin, can travel down that road before it will lose grip and crash.

The number of signs will be reduced; more accidents are caused by signs than by careless driving or speed. Signs that are needed will be made deformable.

Those people who show no interest in what car they buy will be made to think long and hard about whether they should subject themselves to other motorists. If they show no interest in their car, it is clear they show no interest in driving. They will also be forced to do a test to determine their probable driving ability. If they fail, they must either buy a better car or give up on the idea of driving for one year. If they go away and buff up on cars and motoring and come back for another test in a years time, or apply for an earlier test, they will hopefully become more interested in motoring.

All drivers should be allowed to have low insurance premiums until they have an accident, not ridiculous premiums until they crash, after which they will go up again. Those who are idiots will quickly find that they are priced off the roads and young sensible drivers will be allowed to progress and start driving early for very little money.

The idea of running a car until it dies or is financially unviable will be promoted, rather than buying a new eco-green hybrid car that hurts foxes and Chinese children because of the filthy way it is made and because it actually uses more fuel than you were expecting it to.

Road workers will be given a time scale to do a job in so that they don’t spend a day filling in just one pothole and getting paid for it.

The majority of major road works (outside of the town) will be carried out at night so as to prevent daytime traffic disruption. Legislation surrounding road works and road workers will mostly be removed so that they can actually get on with their job rather than putting up signs saying that road works might happen if they happen to have enough time between putting up signs.

There will be no variant road fund licence tax (i.e. no road tax). Depending on the number of cars on the road, the amount of money spent on maintaining the roads will be equated, and then divided by the number of cars. This will give a sum of money that each driver will have to pay. If it is above £150, the government will subsidise the rest.

Traffic wombles will not be permitted to close down roads for five hours because someone’s windscreen wiper has come off.

There we are. You see? Wouldn’t that be so much better than the system we have now? If Britain has some of the best roads in the world, why not enjoy them?