"AGAIN? You gotta be kidding me!" Your boss delegated a task to one of your direct reports without consulting with you first. It has happened before, and you have previously asked your boss to give you a heads up before delegating to your team members. You are irate! You were promoted recently and are working to assert your leadership with this new team. Why is your boss undermining your authority?

This month’s CBODN Book Club focused on Enneagrams, a model that presents different lenses through which people see the world. This model is especially important when in conflict with others. The conflict may be big or small, and the scenario above gives us an example to play with. As you think about giving feedback to your boss, while you may think the goal is to get the other person to see where you're coming from, the real goal is to allow the other person to feel heard. Once the other person feels heard, they will no longer be on the defensive, will open up, and will engage in a more rational conversation to reach a mutually beneficial outcome. While you may think you have listened deeply, provided timely feedback, and demonstrated empathy, it takes patience and practice to really see another person’s point of view — in particular when they are very different from your own. Asking the right questions—and then listening is a great start, but we encourage you to take one more step to more fully "hear" the other person.

When you are in conflict with someone who is very different from yourself, the “REAL” model can help. I created this model several years ago when I realized that active listening simply wasn't enough. People were still getting stuck speaking at the surface level, and neither party felt heard. This model works particularly well:

When you are clearly in conflict with someone and/or feel frustrated.

When you don't feel heard or understood by another (which also likely means they're feeling the same way).

When there is a deep misunderstanding or mismatch in expectations.

When you have to give or receive tough feedback.

The questions below are suggestions to help guide the discussion. As with all conversations, listen to what comes next—and use that to guide your questioning.

​Walking Through the REAL ModelBefore the conversation, it is helpful to get into the right mindset. While you do not know how the person will respond, you can control if you are entering the conversation from a place of positive intent and interest for both of you to feel heard and respected.

Given the scenario above, you might initiate the conversation and say, "I'd like to re-evaluate our roles on the team so we can provide clear direction to the staff. There are times when you go out to lunch or coffee with staff members, and they come back to the project with a new direction. How are you seeing this situation?" And, then begin the REAL process.

Boss: "I don't intend on giving direction to staff. What usually happens is that I'm having lunch with someone and they bring up an issue casually in conversation. I don't think there's anything wrong with me offering some advice. I'm not just going to sit there and act like I don't have an opinion. I've walked in their shoes, I know the challenges first hand."

You (Re-phrase): [The purpose of this first step is to gather information from the other person's point of view and determine what is important to him/her]. "It sounds like connecting with staff and offering advice is really important to you."

Boss: "Yes, of course. If I can help, I'll give advice. Plus, I've worked with some of these people for 10+ years, we're not only colleagues, we're friends. I'm not the kind of boss who just discards friendships because of my title. I want them to feel comfortable coming to me for anything."

You (Examine): [Resist the temptation to share your point of view just yet. Instead pause and examine further.] "Can you tell me more about why connecting with the team is important to you?"

Boss: "I guess, first and foremost I value relationships. I truly care about our staff as people, not just staff members, and I want them to know that. And, if I'm being totally transparent, I've been feeling somewhat disconnected since I've been in this position. My manager asks me questions about our team's projects, and frankly I don't always know the answer. I feel that I'm not on top of everything that's going on."

You (Re-phrase): [Often you'll continue the loop of re-phrasing and examining until the other person feels heard and when you feel that you've discovered a new insight into his/her behavior]. "That's really helpful for me to hear this. It sounds like since you've taken on your new position, you feel out of touch with what's going on day-to-day. And, on top of that it sounds like you really enjoy the friendships of the people on our team, so you want to carve out time for lunches and coffees to maintain those relationships."

You (Add your POV): "I'd like to share my perspective and the impact this is having on me. I'm also getting used to my new role and given I was everyone's peer a few months ago, I feel the need to establish credibility as their manager. When you meet with them and talk about project work, it feels like it undermines my authority. It may seem to you that you're stating your opinion, but they hear that as a directive of what action to take. Then, they don't come to me, I don't know what they're struggling with, and they may not have considered all the factors that I'm aware of. Also, they don't take my requests seriously because they're double checking everything with you. From my perspective, it slows down our process and creates mistrust on the team. They don't trust what I'm asking them to do, and I don't trust that they're actually going to do what I need them to do."

Boss: "I can definitely see how that plays out. That is not my intention at all, so let's figure out a way to resolve this."

You (Look Ahead): "Maybe we can look at ways we can work together so you feel more connected to what's happening in our projects, but allow me to provide direction to the staff. Right off the bat, I know I can do a better job communicating with you on the the status of our projects and alert you to issues when they come up."

Boss: "That would be great. I will be more diligent when project issues do come up in conversation to direct them to you first to resolve it and not offer my opinion. And, I'm assuming that you'll bring me into the conversation, if you need my support."

You (Look Ahead): "This sounds like a good next step. Let's give this some run time and plan to check back in with each other about this in a month. Are you open to that?"

This conversation started with the manager feeling undermined by her boss. The conversation ended with strategies on how to support each other in their new roles and work as unified leaders. The REAL model is a way to structure conversations so both parties can be heard and reach a solution that addresses the underlying issues. I invite you to experiment with some of these concepts (at work and at home) and let me know how it works. What is different in this approach compared to how you typically have these types of conversations (assuming you don't avoid them all together)? What might be most challenging for you? And, let me know what else you discover as you entertain new ways to engage in meaningful conversations.