Affirmation

Its funny how mere hours can change how a person feels. After writing my post yesterday, I continued to work. Travelled home and had dinner. Clueless that only about 4 hours would pass and shit would hit the fan. This move that I am making has clearly just been confirmed that I am in fact going in the right direction.

I need to get out of this house.

After being bitch at for my 1.5 year old having a rough night. Most moms would laugh at what my child’s crying and apparent “tantrums” are. If you want to call them that. Because when he is over tired etc. he gets upset. But it doesn’t last forever. He will cry for maybe a minute and then calm down. Sometimes this will continue for 20 minutes. His crying time might be 5-10 minutes. In this time, he is never left alone. I comfort him the only way I know how as his mother. I talk to him the whole time as well “I know you are upset and that’s okay. If you are tired then let me snuggle you and lets get you to sleep”. I hold him if he lets me and I offer him the breast. Even though we are trying too wean. But I cant even wean my child because for his whole life, I have been stressed out about what will happen if he cries for too long. I’ve put myself into a place I don’t want to be in. I have let someone else make me feel like I can’t be the mother I want to be. I can’t finger paint with my child because god forbid we make a mess and we don’t clean it immediately.

However, this apparently means that I neglect my child. Therefore I am a piece of shit mother. Who is moving to be with an asshole who doesn’t give a shit about his son (my sons father). These are just a few of the words that come out of someone who I should respect and look up too. Instead I am left wondering if this is why he is alone. If this is why he wasn’t always around when I was little. I wonder why I deserve to have a father that would be deemed a “dry drunk”. Everyone has to walk on eggshells around my dad. I have never been so disappointed in myself for losing my cool as I did last night. My son has seen me yell twice. Both times because my father has put me down by saying I neglect my son. I am beyond hurt. I have put up with this for too long. I’ve been living with him because maternity leave took a toll on my finances. I regret making this choice.

There has been many positives living with my dad though. He will cook dinner and other meals when we are home. I believe he does it because he is picky and doesn’t want to wait for me to do the dishes while having a toddler. He is so temperamental. You have no idea what kind of mood he will be in when you get home. Sometimes its great at first (as it was last night) then bam my son cries and he flips out. My son will try and get his attention and he always says “I’m busy doing “such and such” can’t pick you up”.. I just watch my son be rejected so much.

I am so angry for allowing this to go on and for how long it has been going on for. I am so happy I am taking my child out of this negative environment. He doesn’t deserve to have his grandpa ignore him and say things like “Why are you whining for?”, ” Stop being a cry baby”… he says all this stuff when my son is wanting his attention and whining but not crying. How can a person be so damn cruel? When my son hurts himself, I run to him and pick him up and comfort him. My dad will comment saying that I shouldn’t do that. But then if I let him cry and self soothe. I’m neglecting. Its like he is bipolar. It doesn’t matter what I do or how I do it, I will forever be wrong. I will forever fail as a parent in the eyes of my father. I will never be good enough. I am so tired of trying to look good in his eyes. Why the hell should I???

I have opened up to some friends and family and they can’t believe how I have stayed here this long. I’ll tell you why, cause I feel guilty. I feel guilty about taking my son away from his grandpa and leaving my dad alone. At this rate, he is pushing everyone away. I’m not going home tonight. I am going to stay elsewhere for the next two months. I’m going to give him a heads up but I’m moving all of my stuff this weekend.

I hear constantly that I’m a good mother. I hear it from strangers in passing. Saying how happy my son is. If I was such a terrible mother I would never hear those things. I most certainly would not be working and doing everything I have been to give my son the best I can give him.