Tuesday, November 30, 2010

WikiLeaks - Wales responds

Boyograd [formerly Cardiff] 1 December (Taffinfform): Welsh government spokesman Griff [Gruffydd ap Gruffydd, fab Gruffydd] reacted with customary bemusement to revelations on the WikiLeaks website about levels of corruption and imaginative violence in Welsh official institutions.

"These revulations has totally and utterly come as a surprise to us, and to me, though but," he told punters in an impromptu press conference at the Martyr Dr Phil Williams Memorial Institute of Tantric Studies, Boyograd.

The WikiLeaks publication of tens of thousands of classified US State Department cables included a number of oddly stained pneumatiques from Burlington Arcade III, ambassador [extraordinary and plenipotentiary] to Wales, in which he set out his views on the Cymru Rouge administration and Wales in general.

"Graft is so much a way of life to these people that, after only six months in the post, I find myself slipping the police escort 300 dwris just not to taser me on the can [Welsh currency: 100 tans to the dwri. One dwri = 2 cents or a roofing slate. Can = American toilet].

"Extortion is never nearly enough. It only counts if accompanied by menaces, often of an outré sexual nature.

"I raised the question of kickbacks in military procurements with Defence Minister Anffawd [Iago Anffawd, fab Sieffre Siomedig, fab Gwil Goll]. Have any of you boys at Foggy Bottom ever been keelhauled around a coracle? I guessed not. Item - they're round. It never ends.

"They gave me 30 minutes with a 'fat bird from Carmarthen' then used me as a rudder. We got as far as Lundy [former English island in the Bristol Channel, now used by the Welsh Army as a underwater political prison and weapons testing range] before I agreed to drop the matter."

"We's never heard of this fucker or his so-called, soi-disant America," explained Griff. "We denies these hackersations, and disasorcerates us selves from whatever's going to happen to him in the next week."

"And," he added.

Political analyst John Osmond of the exiled Institute of Welsh Affairs, Chester, said much of the confusion can be attributed to two factors, nomenclature and not really giving a shit [Welsh: malu ffwc ddim].

"The Cymru Rouge manifesto dealt with the traditional Welsh blights of corruption and violence by simply reclassifying them as 'The Economy' and 'Public Relations' respectively. Investment from Eastern Europe and the Middle East seems to have vindicated this policy so far, and complaints from the allegedly late Ambassador Arcade are unlikely to change that," he expanded.

Asked about the current whereabouts of Burlington Arcade III, spokesman Griff feigned indifference to reports of a pair of ambulances bearing the US envoy to the Martyr Shakin' Stevens Cosmodrome, Abergavenny, after a freak accident at the unveiling of the Newport transporter bridge and noyade.

"You might well think that; I couldn't possibly comment," he quipped, "largely because I's monged on 'shrooms, see. But a fiver might get you the audio track of a rocket launch tragedy."

12 comments:

Massage Martyr Phil Williams was, I am told, my PhD supervisor in Aberystwyth. So busy was the good professor investigating the condition of the lower classes in Tidytown, that I got to see the boss for all of an hour during the three years of my research studentship. And even then he was mostly on the phone to his political colleagues in Boyograd.

In fact, the great man was so in demand that he never found time to read my doctoral thesis before I submitted the beautifully bound tome to the powers that be in the Old College. But, you know, I harbour no grudges. Also, Williams’ longsuffering widow Ann is the Salt of the Wales.

Testify, Ffrancis! I'm reassured by your experiencec of Dr Phil, as it confirms him as the Welshest politico there ever was. He combined Lloyd George's priapic neglect of his obligations with lots of talk.

His first budget as Welsh finance minister would have made interesting reading, especially the stuff about encouraging women's small business. RIP

Spent all of his early professional life in Caergrawnt, did our hero Dr Phil, but remained true to his Valleys roots, mostly by living on chips and "pers". On the downside, he foolishly fancied himself as a bit of a cultural critic, having once completed an evening course in art appreciation.

Trust the silly, politically correct Yanks not to understand the tradition of robust hospitality in Wales. The Pottists should set up a Wiki-Leeks website to counter these slurs. Have you got a photo of the fat bird from Carmarthen?

One sees that Ph.D supervisors who are like that abound. What is the difference between Germaine Greer and God? God is everywhere, Greer is everywhere except the English Dept at Warwick. Shall we swap? You take Dr Vernon Hewitt of Y Bryste and we get one one of yours. Sigh.

Hmm, looks like Dr Phil showed signs of the English deviation known as Jac Sais Syndrome, or the conviction that a glancing blow with a country, culture or complex mechanical process makes you an instant expert on it. Hence all the Englishmen with sailors caps in Abersoch. Perhaps we had a narrow escape there.

GB, you and a - well, the - commenter on my Facebook link both make the point about WikiLeeks. I had considered and dismissed the gag as too obvious, but now realise that nothing in Wales falls into that category. Once again I reveal my déracinéé error, and will submit myself to an extensive self-criticism session with the assistance of Comrade Mistress Minh.

Your remarks, Joe, remind me of the finest academic and indeed human being I ever met. A man who found the perfect satori between work and dossing around. He is Peter Stead, late of the History Department at Swansea University. I might write something about him.

My own supervisor at Bristol was not only a genius but a good man. I looked at doing a Ph.D in Politics (another Dept) and met V. Hewitt. I (cough cough) accidentally opened a reference from him. He had met me for the grand total of 5 minutes. A bisexual fop with a penchant for doing fuck all (Him not me)

Do you know there's a Facebook page devoted to the fellow called "Vernon Hewitt is Our Hero". It does not appear to be modishly ironic, either.

I would not object to being called a "bisexual fop with a penchant for doing fuck all" myself, if such I were, and just hope it's not actionable. I'll refer it to my legal adviser, the K Man, to see whether I'm going to be hauled off before the Beak.