Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Mood: Music is yummy.
Music: bittersweet symphony - the verve and clark gable - the postal service
Color: gray
Today is:take a hike day

I feel so broken up
And I give up
I just want to tell you so you know
Here I go
Scream my lungs out to try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go
Theres just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Today was my first official day as a lesbian. Considering nobody knew, except for Lesley and I, I wasn't treated any different than usual. People still called me a whore. Hmm, maybe this whole lesbian thing isn't working out.

I was reading Daniel's blog, and I remembered a conversation that we had while I was L.A. about our blogs. (Did we actually have it in L.A.? Or am I confusing it with a phone call? Meh.) Anywho, he writes in a really well constructed style, and I... well... I just kind of write what's on my mind. Half of the time I don't even capitolize "I" or put appostrophes in "don't" and "can't" - is that just laziness? Or do I think without punctuation and capitalization? I try to write exactly what I'm thinking, so I guess I think without punctuation and capitalization.

It will please all of you to know that my webpage usually gets around 45 different (meaning different people 45 times) hits a day and that one of you is from Uruguay. Dan gets 3% Singapore, I get 2% Uruguay. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Thank you Uruguay, keep reading. I write JUST for you. However, I am beginning to notice that some of you are spending less than 3 seconds reading my website. Am I really that uninteresting? My sister had my webpage on for over 20 hours (can't tell if thats combined or not) and somebody in Cherry Hill, New Jersey had my page on for over a day (the site actually wouldn't tell me how long they had it on.) So here's a thought, if you are on my page for that long, you should at least comment and say "hey, sup foo." and then I'll make fun of you. Maybe. It's actually kind of cool when total strangers read and comment on my blog. It makes me feel like my life is more of a soap opera than it already is.

My fingers are getting tired from the effort to capitolize every "I" and put in appostrophes. Owwie, owwie, owwie.

I am sick of being alone. Lets be honest, and in this case, i am going to stop making the effort to capitalize and whatnot because i want it to be exactly what im thinking thats coming out on the page. well now you know im crazy because of that last sentence, but anywho, i am sick of being alone. im not quite sure why yet - whether i miss being adored, whether i miss being snuggled (still working on getting that snuggle buddy... hehehe...), whether i miss making out with someone (well, fixed that. temporarily. thanks, i guess.) or whether i miss just... i dont know... loving someone else.

Have i been in love? do i reserve the right to love? i clearly dont have one of those signs that says "no shoes, no shirt, no service" so why are the beautiful people ignoring me? love, what a funny thing. is that all i talk about these days? is it because im on the wild search to find it, or that i have found it, convinced myself it is something else, and then ran. ran very far away. what is love? baby dont hurt me. dont hurt me. no more. im honestly getting to the point where im sick of being out of love. i want someone to love me back. i want to get married. i want to snuggle with someone i love. like my kitty. what a simple relationship that is: my cat loves me, i love my cat. (pervert.) we snuggle, and thats okay. because we love each other. but kitties dont live forever, and that makes me sad.

So you all know, the next year of my life is going to be the roughest of all (and by that, i am not talking about college. college is only the beginning). As things develop, i will post them, but at this point, i cannot release information that is not mine to share. However, it directly affects me (some positive some negative) and i will be going through a lot emotionally. I am just asking for your support and just your awknoledgement that i will need all off the space/snuggling/love that i can get.

i dont believe in love at this point. i dont think it exists. im convinced. every time i think im in love, theres something in the way. whats with all my bohemian revolution shit? everything ive ever stood for (freedom, truth, beauty, and above all things, love) has been totally thrown in the shitter.
1. We dont have freedom. We live in a nation where half of the country believes that there should be no seperation between church and state, that attacking other countries without support of other nations is okay, and that people shouldnt be able to make choices for themselves. thats what 36 was about: freedom to choose a lifestyle. Thats what abortion rights are about: freedom to choose. thats what we claim to be doing: operation iraqi freedom. wheres the freedom of having a foreign army tromp through the streets? wheres the freedom in deciding the fate of your own country?
2. We don't have truth. The government is not being completely honest with us, and its disgusting. We don't have truth in our own families even. The truth is out there, but nobody is finding it.
3. We don't have beauty. Any society that bases beauty on a stereotype is doomed. Doomed, mother fuckers. And we are just ugly. and ugly culture who is so self absorbed. at least 50% is.
4. And above all things, I don't have love. I don't think I really have, and I dont think i ever well.

well, thats a lie. and i think im done ranting about my political hoohah.

I thought i had love. I thought i found love. I thought i had a chance to pursue it even. My version of love was a connection that i dont ever want to let go of. It something i feel in my bones, in my blood, in my flesh - i cant get it out of my head. its something i want to thrive. its not even romantic love. its more like love for someone else, for everything they stand for. the air they breathe, the words they speak. every time, its like... some sort of bittersweet symphony. everytime we speak, all i want to do is be with that person at that instant. and when i am with that person, i am always happy - no matter what. its incredible. its like a drug. love is my drug. i get high on love.

why did i feel like that whole rant about not having "freedom, truth, beauty and above all things love" sounded like something joel parse would pull out of his ass. yeah, you heard me: pull it out of your ass joel parse. i hope you type your name into a search engine and find this bullshit because you are one crazy mofo with enough negative energy to destroy new york city. seen the ghostbusters movie with all the negative energy that goes into that big pink river of ugly under the city? yeah, you did that.

I dont even know why im so angry. i guess i have to take it out on someone. joel parse is just an easy target. kind of like throwing rocks at an elephant from 3 feet away. its hard to miss something that big. its not that joel parse is big, its just i could hit his aura from a mile away. does he have an aura?