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The Truth About Your Poo

10 Things You Secretly Always Wanted To Know About Your Poo

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It’s kind of fascinating isn’t it, faeces? Isn’t it? Guys, isn’t it? You put food in, and poop comes out the other end, compact and putrid, like the world’s most upsetting Pez dispenser. But ultimately poop is just a noxious enigma: sometimes it’s forgiving and quick, and sometimes angry and painful like dealing with a stroppy teenager, and for the most part we have no idea why. But there’s always an explanation for why poop is the way it is, and Patrick Holford, leading nutrition expert and author of Improve Your Digestion, agreed to give me the lowdown on this dark, stinky art.

1. There’s such a thing as ‘bad poo’
Just like the weather, you need to dread a dark and ominous poo. Patrick, who has quite the way with words, makes it sound more like the blurb for a horror film: “The harder, heavier and darker the worst. It means old and compacted and, hence [the faeces is] putrefying in you.” To avoid all your delicious food festering in the pit of your belly whilst you go about your daily business, like working on your novel or making sweet, sweet love to your girl with a gut jam-packed with spoiled shit, Patrick suggests the one thing all carnivorous men dread: stop eating so much meat. “[Eat more] high fibre whole foods like wholegrain, beans, nuts, fruit and veg.” Gross, right?

2. Which means there’s also such a thing as ‘good poo’
And no, it doesn’t fall into the bowl bathed in a halo of light. But the kind of poo that really impresses has a report card like this: “loosely formed so they almost break up on flushing, and easy to pass.” Sounds just dreamy.

3. But you definitely need to watch out for black poop
A black poo is no laughing matter, guys. If you have a black poo, you definitely need to get some soluble fibre in your diet. It’s a signal that you’re poo is very old: “Probably three days minimum,” says Patrick, which we all know is about a decade in poo years.

4. Alcohol wreaks all kinds of havoc on your bowels
Excessive alcohol makes everything worse: hangovers, sex, your ability to filter out what’s TMI when talking to the guy who works at the Charcoal Grill. And just like you, alcohol makes your poo the worst version of itself too. “Alcohol makes it smell the worst,” Patrick says. “It kills off bacteria in your gut and makes everything putrefy.” It’s also what makes you need to do a quick dash to the toilet as soon as you get up after a heavy night of Jägerbomb. “It irritates the gut and is a digestive toxin. The body wants to get rid of it as quickly as possible.” Anything to get rid of a J-bomb hangover.

5. You shouldn’t hold one in
Like the ancient Chinese proverb, “Better out than in,” you shouldn’t hold a poop to ransom. Drop those kids off as soon as you can get to the pool. The reason? Well your body wants what it wants: “the body has a natural snake-like musculature that passes things along called peristalsis. When peristalsis kicks in you get the urge. People who end up with disrupted peristalsis get chronic constipation.” And speaking of constipation….

6. It’s totally possible to die from constipation, Elvis Presley style
The details of the king of rock and roll’s death is rife with conspiracy theories and rumours surrounding his weight, enlarged heart and chronic constipation, all of which I suspect may have something to do with his predilection for a Fool’s Gold Loaf. I asked Patrick whether it’s possible to die of constipation via a heart attack. “Only if you were on the edge of one and strained excessively!” He said. “Is it true about Elvis?” NO ONE KNOWS, PATRICK. NO ONE KNOWS.

7. For a healthy shit, steer clear of everything that’s nice in the world
Like meat, sweets, pasta and white bread. Such is life. If you want to be more regular, you’re going to have to eat all those foods that are in the aisle you always dismiss on your way to pick up chicken wings from the deli at the supermarket. “You need soluble fibre, highest in oats, chia seeds and unrefined foods. Vegetables have fibre but some of it is destroyed by cooking, so eat more raw or lightly steamed vegetables. ” No, vegetables on a pizza don’t count.

8. There’s no such thing as terrible twos
Patrick says that the optimum pooping frequency is “ideally twice a day, on rising and after a meal,” but points out eight in ten people don’t go every day. “It might be average but it’s not right,” he warns. So, seems like you’re not the only one eating a meat and pasta sandwich everyday.

9. Drinking copious amounts of water helps get things moving
OH GOD. This just gets worse. A diet of chia seeds and water awaits. But it’s true – if you want to have good movements any time soon you need to swap out Dr Pepper for a glass or six of the clear stuff: “You need water for fibres to absorb but the body actually secretes 8 litres of watery digestive juices into your 30 foot digestive tract every day. Aim for at least six glasses of water, but that includes the water in hot drinks.”

10. And lastly: the most important poo-related question of all time…
“[Poo] should float. A sinker means you’re not eating anything like enough healthy whole food.” Thanks Patrick!