After intense lobbying by the Manhattan Farmer’s
Association, all New York City Starbucks outlets will begin keeping
dairy cattle onsite and offering fresh milk and cream from 2006

Speaking from underneath the well-filled udders
of a prize Frisian heifer, Manhattan Farmer's Association President,
David Agosta, told Utterpants:
“New York has a rich agricultural heritage that has been all but
lost. We see this as a real victory in the fight for the return of sustainable
agriculture to New York.”

In a carefully worded statement prepared by twenty-seven lactating
attorneys, which he did not read, a spokestypeperson from Starbucks
told us: “We had begun to realise that we were not one of the
most highly
regarded corporations in America. We also recognise that people
love cows so we fully intend to...um..milk this opportunity for the
several million dollars our accountants assure us it's worth; no pun
intended.”

Not everyone was so easily convinced that this was a good idea. According
to New York Public Health Commissioner, Thomas Frieden, “A lot
of people were initially concerned about this. Our phone lines were
completely jammed when it was announced, and not just by perverts who
wanted to get their hands on some really
big boobies. If you ignore the health aspects of their products
Starbucks is one of the cleanest restaurant chains in the City. We have
examined their plan and are satisfied that there is no danger to the
public in their keeping dairy cattle, so long as they’re securely
tethered outside the restaurant and receive regular health checks for
sexually transmitted diseases.”
"Sexually transmitted diseases?" we asked.
"This is New York," replied Mr Frieden. "We invented
perverts."

Starbucks will be promoting its dairy cattle with a special advertising
campaign in New York and the surrounding suburbs. The ads will centre
on the 'Squeeze your own' theme with a view
to educating customers unfamiliar with large
mammaries how to dispense creamer without having their teeth kicked
down their throats. According to Starbucks’ Vice President of
Store Operations Services, Katherine Lindemann, “One of the differences
you’ll notice between Starbucks and, say, a doughnut shop, is
that Starbucks understands that people like to prepare their
own coffee. We brew it, but the customer is free to add their own
sweeteners and lighteners. We feel that allowing customers to ‘squeeze
your own’ is a natural extension of that philosophy. We do realize,
of course, that the average New Yorker may never have seen, much less
milked a cow. Once they get the hang of it, it’ll be like buttering
their own bagels.”

One cynical New York coffee-lover
we did not interview but who insisted on shouting at our reporter across
a crowded 5th Avenue, bawled: "Starbucks can milk this cash cow
for all they want, it won't make their coffee taste any better than
the cowshit they serve up now!"