Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

According to sources, Hollywood celebrities have courageously united under an inspiring new movement to show respect for black lives. Entitled the #BurnYourHouseDown movement, celebrities such as Alyssa Milano, Jimmy Kimmel, and John Legend have volunteered to relinquish their power and privilege by burning their houses and everything they have to the ground.

The organizer of this movement released the following statement on Twitter: "Your homes, your riches, and your toys are built on a foundation of white supremacy. They are forever tainted by racism. Your walls and security systems have shut out the voices of the oppressed. Join us. Stand with us. #BurnYourHouseDown!"

As the provocative hashtag began trending on Twitter, rich celebrities lept into action. Alyssa Milano employed her house servants to light torches and throw them through her broken windows. Jimmy Kimmel hired Instagram models to jump on trampolines while throwing Molotov cocktails into his front door.

Religious people in Southern California have found a bold, creative solution for in-person meetings in spite of the continuing lockdown. This past weekend, several area churches attended church services disguised as righteously indignant rioters.

"We already have the righteous indignation thing down," said one church elder. "Now, we've simply added black balaclavas, hoodies, Guy Fawkes masks, and baseball bats! We found that when we do this, we can meet in large groups without much interference from the local authorities. It's been a delightful experience."

Leaders from Spirit-River In The City Church in LA County are reporting a successful Sunday service after using this method. Churchgoers were given bricks and fake Molotov cocktails before they surrounded the church with menacing looks on their faces. Several deacons then smashed some church windows to make the riot look more realistic. Unfortunately, onlookers grew suspicious when the massive group of rioters broke out into a round of the smash-hit worship song "Reckless Life Engulfment." Some of the attendees were forced to stage brawls in order to keep up appearances.

According to sources, some churchgoers in the area are planning to continue wearing masks to church even after the lockdown has ended in order to hide their identities from Hollywood directors and producers.

GENEVA — W.H.O. scientists have confirmed that the coronavirus only spreads at problematic protests, like conservative rallies, Trump campaign events, and Second Amendment rights demonstrations. The study found that the coronavirus will not spread at progressive protests or violent riots.

The W.H.O. study showed that only Republicans, 2nd Amendment demonstrators, and Trump supporters can spread dangerous viruses when they break lockdown to assemble and protest, not any other kind of protesters.

"You only want people to die if you go protest for conservative causes -- otherwise, you're safe," said a W.H.O. scientist as he mixed two differently colored liquids together. They exploded and his hair went straight back, burning his face. "AHHHHH!!!"

Unfortunately, the scientist was later discovered to be a bunch of raccoons in a lab coat, so the results of the study may be suspect.

Joe Biden has committed to wearing a mask in public to be a good example and to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Aides were disappointed and a little frightened, however, when Biden immediately cut a large hole in the middle of the mask so he could continue to invade people's personal space and sniff their hair, necks, and faces.

Staffers usually don't let Biden play with sharp objects, but he managed to find some safety scissors stashed behind the Metamucil in his campaign bus. Using the purple plastic scissors, he cut a large hole and then fitted the mask to his face, confident that he was protecting himself and others from the virus.

"That's better," he said as he cut a big hole for his schnoz. "Now I'm protecting against infection and I'm still able to give the ladies a good sniff. You know, in my day, I wore a mask just like this, as was the fashion at the time. All the kids at the pool would ask to play with the mask, and they'd run their fingers through it. In fact, one time, a gangster named CornPop was about to go cause some trouble at the sock hop, and I put some rocks in my mask and started swinging it around like a sling. You know, real Daniel and Goliath type stuff. He looked at me, tears in his eyes, and promised never again to go out and cause a ruckus."

"Anyway, that's why I'm your best choice for senator of the Roman Empire. Vote for Joe!" Biden suddenly came to and realized he was standing in a Walmart parking lot talking to a hobo.

Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden sported a face-obscuring combination of black mask and black sunglasses during a Memorial Day wreath-laying ceremony, triggering an avalanche of memes and derision from the Trump camp.

The former vice president ventured outside his home for the first time in more than two months to lay a wreath at Veterans Memorial Park in New Castle, Delaware, on Monday. Along with his wife and a Secret Service detail, Biden wore a black face mask, the color presumably symbolizing mourning. Coupled with his trademark black aviator sunglasses, however, the get-up left little of his face visible.

Trump supporters seized on the rare appearance by the candidate, who has only been seen by video link from his basement studio since March 15, amid what would normally be peak campaign season. The contrast between the president, who has infamously refused to wear a mask while conducting business largely as usual (minus the large public rallies he was holding before the coronavirus hit), and the mask-encased Biden was too much for some.

Popular for-profit genealogy company Ancestry.com has revoked the family heritage of any African American who says they would not vote for Joe Biden. The company said they made the changes to reflect prevailing social beliefs about race and culture.

"It used to be if your ancestors were from Africa and your skin was a darker pigment, then you were considered black," said Ancestry spokesperson Sheila Reinold. "Times have changed. What really determines a person's blackness now — beyond genes, DNA, family trees — is Joe Biden. Any other determiner of race is pure malarkey at this point."

A frustrated Ancestry.com customer, Brian Jennings of Log Ridge, Kentucky says he logged in to find his account had been wiped clean and years of ancestral research had been deleted all because he said in a recent Facebook post that he didn't think he could bring himself to vote for "some 80-year old, white, dementia-riddled uncle creepy" for president.

Reinold says that Ancestry is not abandoning customers like Jennings. "We are working with non-black blacks to places them into all-white genealogies free of charge."

Jennings says when he began seeking ancestral matches in his new account, his first match was a guy named Jethro Reginald Tinbucket who owned a cotton farm in West Virginia in the 1800s. After resubmitting his DNA, Jennings says he has come around to the changes receiving a huge amount of new matches to long lost relatives that are still alive today. "I plan to fly out to Colorado Springs to meet my real mom next month," Jennings said. "Her name is Belinda and she didn't blow her top when she found out I like Ben Shapiro. Thanks, Ancestry."

In a recent interview with a female representative of the segment of the human species identifying as female, Biden made a strong case for why all women everywhere should vote for him without question, or at least let him sniff their hair.

"Look, the thing, you know what it is," Biden said. "The womenfolk know what's at stake in this election. It's hairy simple. Just let me vote on you, or you vote for me, the vote, b-b-b-blond applesauce baloney. Simple choice. If you don't let me smell your hair, you ain't a woman!" Biden then sat back in his chair with a smile, having "totally nailed" another interview.

Mayor Bill De Blasio had a stern warning for beachgoers in the city of New York today: "You will literally get blown up."

The mayor proudly announced that he had the NYPD install a state-of-the-art naval minefield surrounding the city, so that anyone who swims in the water will get flung sky-high.

"To make sure as many people stay alive as possible, we're going to explode you for going out in the water," De Blasio said as he unveiled the official New York minefield. "You go out in the water? Boom! You step on the beach? Yep, more mines. Boom! And if the mines don't get you, the heavy machine guns will."

As he spoke, a hapless swimmer accidentally triggered one of the mines and careened hundreds of feet into the air in hundreds of pieces.

De Blasio has paired the minefield with "impenetrable defenses" on the city's beaches, including pillboxes, hedgehogs, and heavy artillery covering every square inch of New York coastline.

"This 'Atlantic Wall' will keep New Yorkers safe for years to come," he said.

Do you believe coronavirus is a plague-like killer virus that will end you and everyone you love unless you do everything the government says? Take our test and find out if your brains have fallen out.

What do you believe caused the coronavirus crisis?

A) Just one of those things. It seems to have jumped from a bat in a food market in Wuhan. Either way, it started in China and there's nothing anyone can do about it except follow to the letter everything the government says to do about it. Even though the government contradicts itself over what to do about it several times per day. Shut up, stay at home, visit PornHub.

B) Bill Gates and other oligarchs took advantage of Chinese fears about a previously unidentified version of the coronavirus to bypass national governments and implement an array of population control measures. Studies showing that a sequence of the virus is man-made were retracted because that suggests that an otherwise seasonal cold acquired 'gain-of-function' capacity from fiddling around with vaccine experiments - the very thing the people who caused the crisis are promoting as The Answer to it. Ultimately, the numbers are clear: the virus-as-mass-killer is a phantasm.