twenty-nine and feeling fine, when i drink wine

4 Reasons Why as of This Weekend, I Need a Boyfriend.

Not because I want one, because I need one. Because basically I see some reeeaaaalllllyyy stupid things coming up in my future, and somehow a boyfriend will stop all that.

Oh and sure, love and all. If necessary.

So anyways here are my 4 REASONS:

Reason #1 On Friday morning I learned that Silverfox has a girlfriend.

For those of you not familiar with Silverfox, he is an older guy I was incoherently obsessed with for over a year. We had finally started talking around the time I was moving back here, and on our first date he ended it, and I cried while walking home and then cried in my parents driveway and then cried at a bar. I would like to take this moment to shout out to my friends; thank you for still going out in public with me.

How Having A Boyfriend Will Help – Hopefully distract me from wondering if his girlfriend is funnier than me. I hope he laughs half halfheartedly at her jokes but at the same time I don’t want him to suffer, so I hope she’s hilarious? I’m thinking daily now about the possibility of finding out that he’s engaged or something in a couple months time. When I think about that, then I wish ugliness and a terrible sense of humor upon her.

Reason #2 On Saturday morning I learned that my Ex is moving in with my close friends

After months of avoiding my Ex so I would not be given opportunity to drunkenly hit on him, profess my love to him, or God forbid wanting to spend more time with him, I’m now getting him paid back to me in full. I would like a refund, and I think this financial analogy is confusing me.

How Having A Boyfriend Will Help – My Ex and I will no longer be two people in our group of friends that are always the single ones, and our chemistry and similar sense of humor will no longer mean jack squat to me. My boyfriend will be the whip cream on my apple pie and I’ll eat it right in front of my ex. I’m not sure whether I’m confused again with my analogy, or just disgusted, but regardless I want to win goddamnit!

Reason #3 The guy I have a crush on comes to nothing

The night after learning about Silverfox’s gf, our friends had a big club night for a friends birthday.I hoped and prayed and wished on stars that my crush would be there. I didn’t even care if he came and ignored me the whole time, at least I could torment myself with questions like “Is he in a bad mood?” or “Am I not a good enough dancer?” or tell myself things like “He’s tired” or “I heard he had a cold last week”. All these thoughts I would take over the ones currently residing in my head, in which I picture Silverfox and some delicate beauty with “She said YES!” as the caption. Lord please, let her not be blonde.

How Having A Boyfriend Will Help – I will no longer anxiously look around for when my crush arrives because I’ll be looking at my boyfriend who I came with. I will no longer have to pretend to be completely nonchalant upon hearing that my crush isn’t coming out. I also will hopefully not drunkenly ask where my crush is so my friends will not have to tell me for the sixth time that he’s at a different bar.

Reason #4 I really didn’t have a fourth reason, I just thought four sounded better than three. Three is so 2013.

Actually my #4 would be so I could tell one of my male coworkers that my boyfriend doesn’t let me talk to other men so you can stop liking all my Instagram photos, thanks.

I suppose these reasons are not typically the motives you see in wanting to procure a boyfriend. Normally you like the guy and you want to be like, dating him. In my situation I like all 3 guys: Silverfox, the Ex, and the crush, but the feelings are not returned by any, and my love only remains unhealthily everlasting. I need a boyfriend, to trick me into thinking that I no longer care about the 3 at all.

Would renting a boyfriend be expensive do you think? How much extra would I have to pay for feelings?