Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Is your life half-full or half-empty? Are you so overcommitted that you do not have any time
left even for a casual encounter? Or are you feigning busyness because you want
people to think that you are all business?

For many of us being busy has become the go-to excuse for
avoiding other people. So says Elizabeth Bernstein in her Wall Street Journal
column.

People use “I’m too busy” as a polite demurral, but
Bernstein notes that when someone says he is too busy to spend time with you or
even to chat he is saying that you are inconsequential. It is rude.

I would emphasize the point. Most often we try to understand
“I’m too busy” in terms of what the person means to say. Rarely do we examine
what it signifies to the listener.

Bernstein writes:

Most of
us aren't too busy to make time for our loved ones—to return a text or phone
call or free up time for satisfying chat. And yet that is the impression we’re
giving. When we tell someone we’re too busy to give them more than a few
moments of our attention—too busy for a call or a meal or a visit—what they
hear is this: “I am too busy for you. You don’t matter enough to me.”

It’s fair to say that some people really are overcommitted.
They might have the time to see you next Tuesday but they are terrified that
they might have to cancel. Thus, they opt out of appointments.

Bernstein says:

The
statement “I’m busy” has long been a code—for “I’m feeling overwhelmed” or
“life is chaotic.”

In truth, some people’s lives are chaotic. Some people
really are overwhelmed. Bernstein offers the case of a personal friend who is so
overwhelmed by work and business trips that she neglects her children:

When I
asked my friend who barely had an hour to spare what was going on, she
explained that she felt guilty about taking more time away from her children,
given her looming work deadline and upcoming business trip.

We do not know any more about her situation, so we cannot comment.
And yet, the woman seems to have become prey to the notion that women can have
it all and can do it all, can be all things to all people at all times and in
all places. She has gotten to the point where she feels so badly about
neglecting her children that she cannot make time for a friend.

On other side of the spectrum Bernstein finds people who
brag about being busy because they believe it to be a sign of status. For my
part I suspect that people who claim to be the busiest are really signaling their
lower status. People of high status maintain good relations with all sorts of
human beings. They never opt out of an appointment and never fail to return a
message. They never try to excuse their failings because they are too busy.

Bernstein explains:

… now
we’re busy bragging about being busy—in conversations, texts and emails, Twitter handles, such as “Busy Mom,”
and Facebook posts, such as
“After being super busy all day this beautiful sunset slowed me down.”

And, also:

Why are
we so proud of being busy? We think people will think that we’re successful and
important and interesting.

Surely, this is true. Yet, it shows that we are not as
successful, important or interesting as we think. Someone who is constantly in
a frenzy about tasks that must be completed yesterday is not all that important.
Someone who never takes time to calm his frazzled nerves, is headed for a
meltdown. After all, even God took a day off.

We seem to want to show people that we are really trying,
that we are really working hard. It shows that we live in a culture that
rewards people for effort, not for achievement, that values high self-esteem rather
than real accomplishment.

Bernstein quotes an organizational psychologist:

“We
place a high value on hard work and rewarding effort, which is really rewarding
activity and not necessarily achievement,” says Woody Woodward, an
organizational psychologist in New York City.

One can be very busy doing nothing. One can be very busy
spinning one’s wheels. One can maintain constant activity because one does not
know how to work effectively. We even have the expression “busy work” to
describe activity that makes us look like we are doing something constructive
when we are effectively not doing anything at all.

I assume most other people are busier than me, at least by daily necessary tasks they have to do to get by, while I keep my life simpler perhaps, although also fewer responsibilities, places where other people are dependent upon me each day.

I have thought about this issue perhaps in related to phone calls. I'm not one to call others, almost never, unless planning to coordinate some imminent activity, while I don't mind talking on the phone, and sometimes will talk for hours when the original call was on something completely else. My dad and I used to have such conversations on the phone that we'd never take in person. And my sister will call me fairly often, but only a few friends do.

Anyway, I do see sometimes when I'm preoccupied on something, I can be impatient with phone interruptions. Sometimes I don't even know what my moods are until I try to talk to someone, and I "hear" the impatience in my own voice, and its moments like that that I see I have a choice to step back from my needs for a moment.

I'm surprised the article doesn't talk about multitasking as well, since that seems a greater curse. So there have been times for example when a friend calls, and a friend whom I know just needs to talk, I'll often just keep doing what I was doing, and not fully listen to my friend's sharing. So that can "feel good" in the sense I'm still "accomplishing" something while letting my friend talk, but it is a risky thing, and the speaker must know to some degree that I'm not fully present to her words.

I have thought that I have an anxiety against calling people, because you have no idea if they're busy, while with email, you can assume the other will read it at their convenience. But if they call you, you know they want to talk to you.

My anxiety isn't based on anything real, but it is in part based on how "impatient" a person sounds when they answer the phone when I do call. But even that is subjective, and very busy people can sound perfectly receptive when you call, possibly while being too polite to tell you.

It certainly must be an art to be able to read people over the phone and probably direct questions are best. Usually my sister asks "Are you busy?" And that gives me the excuse to agree if I don't feel like talking, while still giving her a few minutes if she can share quickly.