Everyone's "why" is unique, I am sure. Here is a post about mine. Hope it gives you a starting point for figuring out yours.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=513879

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013

EvolvingSoul♀ 29972Member # 29972

Posted: 8:54 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013

I guess what is hard for me about this question is that it implies that hurting the BS was a goal with a motivation. The truth is that BS was more like collateral damage from my internal civil war. Why had nothing to do with him, really, and everything to do with how I feel about myself. What became really important for me to know is how. How I could have made the choices I did, when it was obviously hurtful to him. My empathy for him during that time was really low. I knew how to act concerned about his obvious unhappiness, could say the right thing to keep the status quo (cake eating) going but it wasn't until well after d-day that I began to have real empathy for what he has been through.

- I guess what is hard for me about this question is that it implies that hurting the BS was a goal with a motivation. The truth is that BS was more like collateral damage from my internal civil war. Why had nothing to do with him, really, and everything to do with how I feel about myself. What became really important for me to know is how.

^^^^ thanks for this. Hurting him was never a motivation nor was it anything I wanted to ever do to him. He was collateral damage due to my fucked-up-ness inside.

When he asks this question, I more interpret it as HOW I was capable of hurting him. Although I don't don't have a clear handle on my WHY either, however digging in therapy has been helpful. Both the how and the why are important, not just for him, but for me as well.

My wife said something similar in reply to a similar question from me. The problem with this answer is that she engaged in actions that she had to know would almost certainly cause me intense emotional pain. Even if my pain wasn't the goal, it was a predictable outcome. But it wasn't a deterrent, not even close to being one. And that's a very hard thing for a BS to process and make sense of.

I'm forced to agree with Sal. When I found out I was devastated. My wife tried to comfort me with those words. But like Sal, I felt that even though hurting me was not the goal, it was inevitable. Even if I had never found out, which I didn't for years, it still hurt me. Everyone has a finite amount of time and energy and I did notice when hers was being diverted. I would chalk it up to stress, kids, work, etc. I would work to be there more for her, show patience and compassion, etc. So I felt doubly betrayed and used when this came out and she made her statements because like Sal's wife, hurting me didn't even slow her down when the rubber hit the road. That's part of the reason I was so hurtful to her in the months after discovery. She didn't seem to mind hurting me so I didn't mind hurting her. I knew my words would hit like a fist, but did it anyway. I was absolutely wrong in that. In my defense, one could argue that I had cause and was reacting to what she did. I could answer her why. She hasn't as of yet been able to completely answer mine. I'm confident the answers will come. You should be confident too.

Posts: 130 | Registered: May 2012

pizzalover♀ 38336Member # 38336

Posted: 7:14 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013

Thanks Sal and Hateful for your BS perspective. I really do hope my answers come to give my BH some sense of comfort (if that is even possible). What you both said makes sense, but I wasn't aware of what the absolute devastation would be engaging in this sick behavior. My actions could have only hurt - there could have been no other outcome.