Universe Claims Newborn Planet Not Theirs

Just days after NASA first observed newborn planet PDS 70b about 370 light-years from Earth, the Universe has claimed that it did not father the gas giant.

“I ain’t that planet daddy,” said the Universe, denying that it ever had a relationship with the dwarf star the planet formed around. “It doesn’t even look like me!”

While the Universe has fathered at least 3,797 known planets, some astronomers think that it may have fathered up to 40 billion illegitimate planets in the Milky Way galaxy alone.

“He’s the father of my exoplanet and I know the DNA test will prove it,” said a solar system that claims the Universe gave it a massive cloud of gas and dust on a drunken night in 1998. “He ain’t gonna play me like that.”

Scientists theorize that there may have been one massive “Big Bang” while the Universe was at college in the late 1980s in which it sired billions of planets that are still unsure who their father is. The Universe, however, denies this.