The ramblings of a pilgrim through time, space, and life.

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Sordid thoughts on the lowly things

Here we are beginning another week. I admit, I am torn in so many ways. What to do? Where to go? These are questions that I suppose creep up in our lives when we are just not quite as sure of things as we would like.

My job has become just that. I am not motivated by money and they keep trying to entice me with it. Well, in the end, I find myself doing the same routine, with not much improvement. Well, I lie. Every week so far has been an improvement in my earnings. This past week I made more than six hundred in a week, before taxes and all. So I guess that is a good thing. But that is not how I measure my effectiveness. Never has been, never will be. Why would I use Babylon’s measuring rod? How many lives am I influencing? Is my family the better for it? Am I happy? And then the answer comes in at a stark no.

I get to go around and meet a wide variety of people. That is most definitely true. However, while I do feel we have a valuable tool, and a good product for those who need supplemental insurance, I am finding many people who have this as their only insurance. They are content to believe that this is going to cover their needs and that is not the truth. I think most understand this is not major medical, but for the fact that these people are poor and paying for this bothers me. Now for the craftsmen and heavy laborers who carry this, I most certainly think it is the best thing for them. So I am touching these people’s lives, and getting to meet them. But I am not convinced I am leaving them better off in the end.

It most certainly is a worthwhile time to visit and see all these places. I have always been fascinated by geography and love to travel. This job has catered to that desire. I have been to the birthplace of Meriwether Lewis, William Clark, Thomas Jefferson, and James Monroe. I have been to the place where John Wilkes Booth was hiding, found, shot, and killed. The historic Northern Neck of Virginia, while slightly penetrated, has been interesting. But all this traveling takes time and money. By which I travel and find the homes of these people, which are literally everywhere, so the byproduct is I learn the territory. However, I am finding that running a household, a wife in school, and other costs take one’s funds. In the end, I can afford the $100-$130 I am spending on fuel. But I am worried that by breaking even, I am not saving to replace or add to the vehicle that is being required to drive the minimum of 1,000 miles a week. With 183,000 miles plus on the car, I should be saving or paying for another vehicle rather than running into the ground the only means of income and transportation, for two, I currently have. That just seems dumb to me. In the end, it is not making enough money to pay for a car payment a month, nor to save up for a new car at a later point.

What about the next point? What about my family? Well, the last week, I certainly made the most of what I have made yet with the company. But having said that, I am leaving at 9 in the morning, and returning at 9 or 10 at night. If I was single, that would not be so much the issue. I have a wife that is at home. She can surely spend the time studying or whatever else without my interference. When I finally get home though, I am exhausted. I need to eat and go to bed. She is kind enough to provide the food. By the time we read our scriptures, pray, get ready for bed, and make it in, I am beyond my bedtime. We have spent little or no social time, and other events are just a pain. That is fine for a little while, but it really starts to add up in the long run, and I am not willing to make that type of a sacrifice. The job is on the altar before the wife.

Lastly, am I happy. Well, I surely enjoy the traveling and people. It does grow wearisome at times though. I love meeting people, I love seeing these new places. However, the chances of my meeting these people again are slim. It was not like spraying lawns at all! Many of them gripe and moan they have to pay this again, and the rest are just a pain to track down. It wears on me. What wears the most is that I don’t have time to do things I wish to do. I take the LSAT this weekend and I have no time to really practice for it. That bothers me. What is worse that when I do get time to myself, I use it for other things than studying. I have other things I place more importance on and since I never get to do them, then the lesser things don’t come up. So now what? I am not going to postpone it again. I should have just taken it in June.

So, after seeing this whole thing now play out, I am not impressed with the fruits. I planted the seeds, I have lingered, waited, and prayed long enough. The fruits appear to be bitter and if I allow the tree to continue to grow, it will only grow more wearisome and bitter.

I don’t even think it is so much Combined that I am having the issues with. I wonder how much more effective I could be if I were to be trained in how to sell. Would that little extra bit every day make it more worth it? Would I be able to stop earlier from working knowing I had met the monetary needs? Who knows. Probably. If I could spend less time working to make the same amount, that would be good. If I could lay some aside for other purposes, that would be helpful. All I know, something has to change, now.

Having said all that, I wonder about the other side. Could there be something more I am missing?

What about those who say stick with it? Grin and bear it? It will all work out in the end. I have thought quite a bit about Joseph of old. He was in prison and a very unlikeable position. But he bore through it with faith and came out on top. My leaders at work keep wanting to put me into executive training. In fact, if I would have agreed, I would be in Virginia Beach all week for it. (But what of the LSAT then? Being gone all week seems to only compound the problems. Best part, they don’t even pay for your being gone so I would sacrifice a week for no pay!) So, do I endure, make my way to management, and then what? Well, I will be expected to train. How in the world can I train on something I have yet to learn to do? Nobody seems to be willing to train me and I obviously have not worked it out yet. As Marc says, I am making what money I am by pure hard diligence and work. That is noble and all, but he makes the same I do with only half the hours. Yet getting him to train me is like pulling teeth. Endure….where is the line where you simply throw your hands in the air and say I am moving on?

Much on the mind lately is the thought that perhaps I am meant to be here for some reason or another. Marc has accepted an invitation to attend General Priesthood with me on Saturday Night. That is great news. I would like to endure enough to see him read the Book of Mormon and join the church. However, should I gain one soul for the kingdom and give up everything for that one? Honestly, I don’t see anything breaking down in my relationship with Amanda, but do I want to take that chance? It is hard to be a nice person when I am not completely satisfied with my job. Amanda takes some of the brunt of that. There are two reasons why I have stuck with the job so far. Simply because I need some income to provide for those things that are essentials (granted this house is more than we need, but it is still inexpensive compared to renting an apartment). Secondly, in the hope that Marc will feel of the Spirit and be converted. With my being away from the company the chances of his keeping his commitments and being converted are greatly reduced. He has no one else to challenge and teach. I told the missionaries about him coming on Saturday. I sure hope we can get his address and a commitment to take the missionary discussions. That will sure take a load off of me!

Yes, I believe it is time for a change. But where to? What shall I do? Where shall I go?