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Sunday, October 14, 2012

This weight loss thing can be a real mind fuck...seriously. I mean, you work & work at it, seriously watch what you eat...try too don't exercise and nothing happens. I know I should add exercise to my routine but anyone that really knows me also knows that I don't do mornings or physical activities. I'm fairly lazy and I know it (that was totally sung in my head as "I'm Sexy and I Know It.")...

I've also had the hardest time coming up with healthy meals that don't involve ingredients that I've never heard off...like leeks. WHAT THE HELL ARE LEEKS?!? Ugh....stupid diets.

I'm not giving up on this, by no means, but I am annoyed. I'm just so bitchy lately. Well, I'm usually always bitchy but it's been horrible the last week or so. I blame the lack of fatty food "goodness." Or maybe, I'm just extra bitchy for no reason. AnyWHORE, on to the other stuff....

The past few weeks have been give or take. My weight is kind of floating between 270 lbs to 273 lbs. I want so badly to break out of the 270's because I haven't been under that in YEARS....at least 5 or so. It just seems that as soon as I get close to breaking it, I find myself face first in a mountain of sweets & fast food. I'm screwing myself, I know and for some weird kinky reason I am loving it. I can't find a way to stay motivated and break this damn cycle. I mean, yesterday I weighed in at 271 lbs and what did I do today? Drink a 20 oz Mountain Dew and scarf down some fatty, yummy, pasta from Applebee's.
*choo-choo* ALL ABOARD THE FATTY EXPRESS!!

Next stop? EVERY DAMN FAST FOOD PLACE ON EARTH!!!
I need to quit fucking myself and start staying focused and on target. I'm not only doing this for my health...I'm also doing this for the children that I haven't even conceived yet...this is so I can get to a healthy weight to ACTUALLY be able to conceive....shit.
Speaking of that...for those that don't know. I have what is called PCOS or Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I know that dropping weight can help me in several different ways but I find myself messing up over & over. I don't know if it's because I have some weird belief that I'm not suppose to be skinny/healthy or I'm just a closet crack head. (I'm not really a crack head...)

I do know that I have this unusual apparently normal love/hate relationship with food. I'm never been what you would call a "foodie." I'm not someone who enjoys eating...seriously. If I could honestly survive without food then I'd never eat. It holds no appeal for me. I think it's because I've always seen food as a way to cope with feelings. Yes...I'm an emotional eater. I know it & I've been fighting it like mad the last few months with a few small victories and tons of major losses. When I get stressed (which isn't often; I'm seriously too "okay" with everything) my first instinct is to stuff my face with food. Happy? Food. Sad? Food. My answer to every emotion is food. I've been working on just dealing with my feelings but that's only made me realize that my emotions are everywhere (is that normal?). One way that I've started to win is by actually learning to cook. My hatred of food also meant that I never bothered learning how to cook. However, last year I decided that I wanted had to learn. I mean, I want to have kids some day & when I squeeze those little massive babies out of my hoo-haa then I want to be a stay at home mom. What will I feed those little bastards all day? I guess they could be raised on a diet of Ramen Noodles but I'm not 100% that's okay. So, I bit the bullet and learned to cook. With that, I gained control to fix what I like & wanted instead of enduring the hubs never ending love of Hamburger Helper....seriously. He has a major love affair with that stuff. It's borderline creepy.

I started off making dinners that were just as fattening (if not more so) than what the hubs made. When I got serious (sort of) about dropping weight, I started googling the hell out of healthy recipes. Anything labeled healthy then I started going for low calorie meals. Slowly, I've turned our eating habits around. Yes, we still struggle with eating out but we've gone from eating out 5-6 times a week to only doing it 1-2 times. We've also cut out 99% of our soda intake. Yes, we still have one every now & then but it use to be all we drank. Literally. Now, we both drink lakes of water...yay water (not really).

I know for us to drop the weight & for it to stick we have to make lifestyle changes but no one told me they would be this damn hard. It seems like for every one good choice we make, there are another 2 or more we make that are terrible. I really do try...honestly. I make my jokes & shit but we try hard to do this. We stumble and make mistakes but everyone does. No one is perfect...no one. We do our best and I think that's all anyone can really ask for.

While I'm writing all this, there is a song that keeps playing over & over in my head. It really kind of sums up what I'm doing to myself on this journey to the skinny....and let me clarify; when I say skinny I mean around 170 lbs. That's as small as I want to get....I don't want to be pencil thin. I want to be comfortable with my weight and in a healthy spot...