McDonald’s Buys Out UNH; Dean Fills Tummy

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On Monday, Mar. 29, UNH President Kaplan flew out to Oak Brook, Illinois to meet McDonald’s CEO Jim Skinner at the McDonald’s world headquarters.

According to Assistant Dean of Students Ric Baker, pictured above, “I’m lovin’ it.”

There, President Kaplan signed an agreement to transfer ownership of the university to the global fast food restaurant.

“The Big Mac is, without a doubt, the best sandwich in America,” said President Kaplan. “Even better than Quizno’s BLT.”

Ever since becoming the sixth president of the University of New Haven in 2004, Kaplan has been frequenting the big M every day for lunch. “The Big Mac is a symphony for the taste buds because of its tantalizing patties of beef in-between some deliciously warm buns with lettuce, tomato, and that darn tasty Thousand Island dressing.”

Other administrators on campus are equally enthused by UNH’s recent transfer of ownership. According to Assistant Dean of Students Ric Baker, pictured above, “I’m lovin’ it.”

Jim Sodexo, president of The Marketplace, says he is outraged by the university’s decision to change to McDonald’s ownership. “We still have some tasty $1 wraps!” says Jim. But, according to Kaplan, “The Marketplace does not have that beautifully sculpted yellow M above their entrance!”

Others have joined Sodexo’s side, raising their concern about McDonald’s buying out the University of New Haven. “This makes me feel like students aren’t cared for,” said sophomore Berg Irking, “and I should be made to feel like a king!”

President Kaplan and Assistant Dean of Students Baker were unavailable for comment; sources say they were busy analyzing the enrollment levels of the Shamrock Shake.