Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I sat with Sergio Leone for the Wild game tonight. He was quite impressed with how handsome Mark Giordano is. Like, serious man-crush. Anyhow, he's quite a knowledgeable hockey guy. I was surprised. Here's the transcript of his comments. There are a few spots where I had to decipher what he was talking about.

All Flames for the first five minutes.Is that ... Pierre-Marc Bouchard?Koivu shoots the puck. What is this universe?Parise draws a penalty. (My word is Gorg ugly.) Who is the power play, anyway?Holy shit, the speed Brodin is undervalued.Penalty. Zucker, takes drugs. Goal. Is there anyone who has surprised the savage gave the first goal?Here's a tip: Do not score if you do not shoot. And if you do shoot, try to do it on the network.Penalty. Bag, drugs. Reduce is a fool, unruly worth taking, he falls asleep.Parise scores! Or not. This team is bit so snake. Could could not score in a whore house with a fistful of twenties.Spurgeon, takes drugs. If you are going to hook someone, it's worth it.Dear Wild, please take notes. The Flames know what a "one-timer" is. Give it a try.Dear Wild, please stop giving to escape. Stop it.Gorg interviews Hendrickson to start the second. Hide the children. At least Tom Gilbert was nowhere to be seen.Daniel Day-Lewis has nothing to Mike Rupp.Parise kills PP Wild. Take drugs.Wild killed a penalty. It was only a second, but, you know, baby steps.Wild seem confused about what a "power play" is.Setoguchi could not hang on the disk was made of steel and his staff had an electromagnet.Coyle is so good.Heatley seems surprised that skated all the way into the slot.The Wild seem reluctant to shoot. What are they afraid?I'm calling you now: two pass-happy Finns do not make a power play.Mike Rupp has nothing to Dennis Wideman.LaPanta Spurgeon seems amazed every time takes on a one-timer.Mitchell, who was probably justified. Take drugs.Gilbert only at the point, he decided to wait and release pass.1:55 into the power play and the wild takes a shot. Parise, of course.Coyle, takes drugs. (Dennis Wideman has nothing to Matt Stajan. Seriously, that call was bullshit.)Wild are fortunate enough to have so many guys who can kill penalties.Gorg talking to Tom Chorske. We just have to burn half of this TV.Jonas Brodin looks 15, plays like 30.Zucker Holy shit is fast.Bouchard shaking like a drunk who has just spent a sawbuck.Bax is always as much support as the guy who wears a glass cardboard. (Editor's note: I think he meant Papier Mache cup)Bouchard does not shoot. No one is surprised.Brodin is too good for this team.Gilbert shoots the puck. No one expects.Koivu kneeling is better than three naked on skates. Wait, that came out wrong.Holy shit, Brodin is good. Wait, Brodin, stuff is nice. But my God this is good penalty kill.Objective Zucker. The Wild are onto something with this guy Zucker. I love the energy of this line child.Overtime. I feel like we've been here before.Parise does what he is paid to do. Game over, man. Game over.

Editor's note: I think when he referred to a player "Takes drugs" he was calling him a dope.

That's it for this game. Tune in Thursday to see the Wild take on the Ducks.

Wild
It's very simple: need to finish. Chances are there, shots are there, skill is there....just need to finish. Defense is there, goaltending is there, coaching is....well that's a question, isn't it? I'm glad Yeo is trying new stuff, but the fact remains nothing is working. Read into that what you will.

Flames
They're healthier, although word is Aliu is day-to-day with a LBI. Kipper is still out, although that didn't really hurt them on Saturday against the Wild.

Wild
I count three major components to a hockey team's performance during a game: goaltending, defense and offense. In their last game the Wild had two and a half of those things working. They received adequate goaltending, good team defense and they created chances offensively. But they didn't finish. That inability to finish has become a pathological issue for the Wild this season - as it has for the Wild every season since birth. The different this season is that we had so much more promise of offensive ability.

The hockey cognoscenti are saying that, in this short and condensed season, GMs and coaches are wise not to react in extremes after a game - good or bad. To have short memories, to accept that there will be good performances followed directly by head-scratching performances. On the one had this can be seen as sandbagging and deliberately supressing bar-setting. On the other, there's probably some truth to it. I don't really care which it is. But, adopting it, okay so based on the Vancouver game, we don't need to worry about goaltending or team defense. Or even the creation of chances. We just need to figure out how to finish.

I believe a team that's creating chances but not finishing will eventually turn those chances into goals. But the Wild has disproven that theory, again, basically every year of its existence. Nonetheless, 8 games without a goal has to be a rarity in Parise's career. So a mean reversion would indicate that he will score again, sooner or later.

And, the team is still within striking distance of the 8th seed in the West. So, all is not lost. As of now. Simply: they need to score.

Avalanche
Sitting last in the Northwest division, the Avalanche are showing the kinds of growing pains that many thought they would endure this season. On their website the Avs are lamenting their road woes, noting their (evidently unsatisfactory) "just over two goals per game." Two goals per game would be a nice problem to have, eh Wild fans?

Landeskog is still out. Parenteau and Duchene lead the Avs offensively. We'll see Giguere tonight in the cage.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Wild
They kept the wolves at bay with the 2-1 OT win over Nashville. But if they follow that up by laying an egg against a beat-able Calgary team (even in Calgary) tonight, all bets are off. Especially with Vancouver tomorrow. The last two game road trip ended up fruitless for the Wild. They can't have that happen again this time. And the best chance for points in the standings on the trip is tonight.

So now the secondary guys are scoring, but the primary guys aren't. At some point you'd think they could get everyone going at once, but then California would fall into the ocean and the NYSE would implode, probably, so maybe we don't want that afterall.

The defense has been solid of late. That needs to continue.

Flames

Well Iginla's playing so it's already 1-0 Calgary. This iteration of the Flames team seems to be at that cross roads between like a 12th in the West finish or a snake in the grass surprise 8th place team. They have goaltending issues, especially with Kipper hurt, but they counter that by scoring at a good clip. Their overall plan is a little opaque to me, but I don't spend a lot of time paying attention to them, either.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

I'm sitting in a bar at O'Hare waiting for my flight to MSP. I will be at the game tonight with my dad. So this post will be a little less formal than normal, which basically means not formal at all. Maybe negative formal.

Wild
Have to get off the schnide. Doesn't really matter how. No win is too ugly tonight. It's all about 2 points.

Predators
They still play a close to the vest, disciplined game.

Numbers
I'm on my phone. Can't check.

Prediction
Wild will scratch and claw out a win, and I will claim it was because I was in attendance.
Final score: 3-2 Wild
Wild goal scorer: Granlund

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Mason here with another
edition of Hitting the Post’s “Live” Drunk Blog, featuring the top-heavy Wild
against Emilio Estevez’ bastard descendants. The following rant owes thanks to PizzaLucé for the inspiring beers (Lucid
Dyno, Steel Toe Size 7, and
especially Deschutes Black Butte
Porter) and to the fucking awful showing by the Wild.

Be sure to see tonight’s
Clarifications/Retractions/Apologies section after the action. I have no
fucking clue how I wound up with Bobby Bonilla.

Cheers!

Setup: Friday, February 1st – Minnesota wild @ Anaheim Mighty
Ducks (1-3 L for Wild). The Wild had just won an unlikely game two
nights prior due to Patrick Sharp’s unlucky pipejob. The topline was rather
ghostly in that game, and the supporting players did barely enough to secure a
victory due to Backstrom’s strong relief effort.

---

"Fact:" More
people have given more shits about the Mighty Ducks movies than the Mighty
Ducks hockey team.

Second question: how can
"fans" of the Anaheim Ducks of the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim take their
team and themselves seriously if the entire existence of their team is based on
the following tagline the Mighty Ducks movie: "He's never coached. They've
never won. Together they'll learn everything about winning!" Jesus christ.
Gag me with an Emilio Estevez.

First question: are
there Ducks fans?

"Fact": Ryan
Getzlaf's early balding pattern has been attributed to life-long exposure to
being a giant doosh.

I honestly can't
remember, nor care, if the Ducks have won a Cup. I also can't remember how many
beers I'm deep. At this point neither facts are deal breakers.

Castle Danger has played in front
of more people than those in attendance at the Ducks' Honda Prius Center. Hell,
even Hip Replacement has.

Gordon Bombay is turning
in his grave. (Emilio Estevez is totally dead, right?)

The pronounciation of
Viktor Fasth's name will always make anyone sound shitfaced.

"Emerson Etem? I
barely knew 'em!"

Mike Yeo still looks
like a goateed penis with shoulderpads

Randy Carlyle still is
just a prick.

Holy shit. Does Sheldon
Quackshell Souray play for the Ducks? I thought that guy was dead. I thought at
least his career was. FTR, I'm doing absolutely zero research into any of these
things.

If you lpook Tom Gilbert
straight in the face, the man has no nose.

I just learned that
Randy Carlyle is not the coach of the Ducks, as previously implied. Somehow
Bruce Boodrow (phonetic spelling) is standing inthe Ducks bench wearing a suit
that looks toio big. I wonder if Carlyle knows he's not the Ducks coach. I
wonder if he cares. FTR, Brooce Boodrow is definitely a bigger prick than Rando
Carlylsian, and looks like a chubbier penis with shoukder pads than Mike-Yo.

MARCO
SCANDELLA-ELLA-ELLA3LLA-EH-EH-EH-EH

"Fact": the
Wild defensemen-not-named-Suter have score one hundred times more than the Wild
secondary scoring. Matt GDMFn Cullen was on the ice at the time, but I neither
know, care, nor will verify if he was awarded an assist for the goal. F that MN
guy.

Have I ever mentioned
how much I hate all black uniforms? I hate 'em, Jacque, I hate 'em! I have no
evidence of this, but the Ducks were the first horrible team to use all black
unies. [Ijust realized the falsity of that statement; the Vancouver Assholes
were the first, back in the orange skate logo days with Pavel Bure, who's
brother-with-a-chick-name is married to Bob Saget from Full House.]

Hoky shit. The First
period is almost over.

Have I mentioned how
sickenly perfect and fucxking annoying it is that the Dux have a player named
Fowler? God damn it.

I just heard Sorbet's
name again. A third time will verify fact over drunk.

Bax has seen 12 shots by
the end of the period. At this rate, if my Mankato Math holds up, by the end of
the game we'll have given up over one hundred shots and lost the season.

There is nothing more
Wild Hockey than Xcel Energy and Treasure Island Casino Commercials.

The plebs shall silence
themselves in the presence of the Don, Mike Russo... Prediction: everything He
says will fly right over Anthony Fuxcking LaPanta's touped head.

LPantsa just did the
classic interviewer move where he's pretending to listen/understand the
interviewee, nods knowingly, and then smiles at the camera.

Heeeeeey
"Logjam" take a drink.

Yup.
Lafantafantaiwannafanta has no comprehension of not-on-the-teleprompter things.

Dare I say Russo is
looking svelter these days? Is that how spell that? Svelter? I barely knew 'er!

"Statistical
categories..." at what point are stats not categoric and categories not
statistic?

Heeeeeey "rough
rides." Take a drink.

"NHL news - Latest
on Phoenix Ownership Situation: Fewer people give shits about the Kai-yotes
than the ADotMDoA."

I think it's funny how
Wendy's is showing two different ad campaigns at the same time, one with a
smoking hot redhead Wendy who pretends to eat Wendy's each 30-second
commercial, and the real Wendy Thomas who looks like she's eaten Wendy's all
her life. [That felt mean; was that mean? Aww fuck it.]

Soooo Matt Cullen scored
his last goal back 13 years ago when the inagural Wild played the Ducks.
Fantastic would the Ducks be interested in a trade perhaps? I'd even give
MFnCullen for the Duck's horrible Fn name.

Greenlay just defender
Matt "Mr. October" Cullen by more or less stating "He's had a
slow start because the season didn't start when he's used to it starting."
Let's diagram this (without using diagrams): Cullen's favorite month is
Coctober, wherein we witness and benefit from the entirety of that season's
production. So Greenlay has pegged Cullen's current awfulness as being calendarly
accurate were the season to have started on time--yet he wrapped it up in a
nice, diplomatic subtle rip. Well played, Greenlay. The king's to you.

I wonder what Charlie
Conway would do knowing that dooshbags like Guntslaf and Feldman-Perry are
playing on his team. I mean, what would he do ASIDE from quacking a lot and
calling for the Flying V.

Holy shit, that's the
third Souray I heard. That confirms it. I'm looking over my shoulder in case he
shows up after his name is said three times like Beetlejuice or Candyman--or
worse: Sheldon Souray. Tagline for Candyman: "We dare you to say his name
five times!" If you say Souray's name five times, he shows up on your
roster with a monstrous cap-hit.

Haim-Perry is bleeding.
The Wild could lose this game and I'd call it a win.

Greenlay said "zone
exit" again. I wonder who catered tonight that's got him so fixated on the
great brown evacuation.

After a quiet game for
the top line against the Hawks, we could really use an re-appearance tonight. I
just don't want "Saku" being mentioned more than "Mikko."

GFYS, Bud Lite, for
making me hate Stevie Wonder.

GFYS, Corey Perry, for
being Corey Perry.

Hellva g-love save by
Bax on Bobby Bonilla.

GFYS, KIA, for ruining
gerbils. Hamsters? WGsAF?

Allen, Perry, Ryan,
Sbisa... how many first name last names can a team have?

Duck "fans" in
the Honda Le Car Center concourse look as bewildered and bashful as I would at
the Super Target Center for a Timberwolfs game.

One of these times
coming back to the third period, I wish Frankendarby Hendrickson would wear
neckbolts for the interview with Kevin/Kevan/Kevon Gorg, who'd shove Mike
Yeonis' shoulderpads into his suit coat for a quasigorgo hunchback.

Got lucky by the net
coming off its moorings. See, that's a cool realistic thing in ACTUAL hockey
games. That's the kind of detail, however, that has no place in hcokey video
games. That's like having rain delays in EA Baseball Video Game 13. (Note: I
have NO idea what EA's baseball game is called.)

Should I be surpised
that the Ducks have a worse goal song than... anyone in the league? No. No I
should not.

Why the fuck have I
heard Cullen's name more than Pah-REE-zee, Mikko, or Heatley? I've heard
Sourays name more than those guys.

Team of Salamis has two
assists tonight. Team of Wilds has Matt Cullen.

I see that the World
Poker Tournament has shifted from accidentally sleazy to full-on whore mongers
by slaving out their Royal Flush girls into having to sit next to sweaty,
basement-ridden sweepstakes wiinners. Stay classy, math teacher guy and hobo's
Don Johnson.

Big win over the best
team "rival" Hawks the last game, road game, Pacific TZ start... this
flat performance is pretty textbook so far.

"Fact":
Getzlaf is Dutch-German for "[something hilarious having to do with being
an asshole and/or a dooshbag]."

Nice work. Konopka,
by... allowing yourself to be held?

I'm going to say it: Tom
Hanneman is worse than Ant-knee Lapanther.

Go fig: zero Wild presence
all game in a game when their first PP doesn't happen until 5 minutes left.

I'd rather have lost to
the Hawks in a good game than watch a no-show loss like this one. If I'd've
been sober, I'd've been asleep one minute after whoeverthefuck scored way back
in the 1stAND NOW THAT GODDAMNEDKIAGERBILHAMSTER COMMERCIAL IS ON.

At least I can forget
this awful showing by playing a satisfying game of EA Baseball Video Game 13.

---

Clarifications/Retractions/Apologies:

“I honestly can't remember, nor care, if the Ducks have won a Cup. I
also can't remember how many beers I'm deep. At this point neither facts are
deal breakers.”

God damn it. They did. In ’06-’07.
WTF

“Randy Carlyle still is just a prick.”

Somehow I saved myself within the LDB from
having to correct myself when sobriety returned to me for a time. Maybe it’s
because I eventually saw Bruce on the
bench. Maybe.

“"Fact": the Wild defensemen-not-named-Suter have score one
hundred times more than the Wild secondary scoring. Matt GDMFn Cullen was on
the ice at the time, but I neither know, care, nor will verify if he was
awarded an assist for the goal. F that MN guy.”

He was.

“Have
I ever mentioned how much I hate all black uniforms? I hate 'em, Jacque, I hate
'em! I have no evidence of this, but the Ducks were the first horrible team to
use all black unies. [Ijust realized the falsity of that statement; the
Vancouver Assholes were the first, back in the orange skate logo days with
Pavel Bure, who's brother-with-a-chick-name is married to Bob Saget from Full
House.]”

There are a shocking amount of simply incorrect
things about the above statement. I’d correct them all, but we’d be here all
night and I think you get the idea.

“Bax has seen 12 shots by the end of the period. At this rate, if my
Mankato Math holds up, by the end of the game we'll have given up over one
hundred shots and lost the season.”

Shots ended at 31-27 in Anaheim’s favor.
I wasn’t even close.

“Greenlay just defender Matt "Mr. October" Cullen by more or
less stating "He's had a slow start because the season didn't start when
he's used to it starting." Let's diagram this (without using diagrams):
Cullen's favorite month is Coctober, wherein we witness and benefit from the
entirety of that season's production. So Greenlay has pegged Cullen's current
awfulness as being calendarly accurate were the season to have started on
time--yet he wrapped it up in a nice, diplomatic subtle rip. Well played,
Greenlay. The king's to you.”

Cullen’s widely nicknamed “Mr. November,”
so while I had the wrong month I stand by my rant.

“After a quiet game for the top line against the Hawks, we could really
use an re-appearance tonight. I just don't want "Saku" being
mentioned more than "Mikko."”

Coincidentally, in Pierre McGuire’s
intro to the Hawks @ Wild game, that penis monster called Mikko “Saku.” He was
talking about how underrated Mikko is—yeah, so underrated Pierre doesn’t even
know his fucking name. UP TOP!

The Good
Zach Parise. What else is there to say about this guy than "He's a stud." Even when the Wild lose, the guy fucking scores.

The Bad
Backstrom. I won't pin all the Wild's woes on him, but the dude's got to be Pelle Lindbergh, Vladislav Tretiak, Patrick Roy, and a fucking genie all rolled into one to keep bailing these guys out.

The Ugly
Line changes. Gotta tighten up and you can't keep putting your goalie in that position, or the Ron Hextall Pokecheck Special isn't going to be reserved for opposing forwards anymore.

Something I've noticed lately, both on the forum, and the podcast, is that we seem to have our favorite scapegoat. The Podcast in particular, has its favorite whipping boy, so let's look at a few of the players who have drawn our ire lately:

Matt Cullen
We've been going after Cullen lately, primarily for being completely useless and doing his damnedest as an Antti Miettinen impersonator. Why you should vote for him: Invisible, misses wide open nets, doesn't use his sizeThen again: Wins faceoffs, veteran

Mikael Granlund
He gets knocked down a lot, can't hold on to his stick, and hasn't been scoring: 3 points in 8 games, and he makes Pierre-Marc Bouchard look like a big guy.Why you should vote for him: Can't hold on to a stick, can't stay on his feetThen again: Creative playmaker, loads of upside

Devin Setoguchi
No goals in 8 games, only 2 assists, and only 10 SOG. He's a guy you should notice, but we haven't seen him do, well, anything yet. He has the same number of points, fewer goals, and half as many shots on goal as third-liner Cal ClutterbuckWhy you should vote for him: Doesn't seem to know what his game is. Banger or scorer?Then again: You can't vote for him if you don't know who he is

Kyle Brodziak
Coming off a career year and a new contract, he seems to be displaying signs of contractyearitis. Why you should vote for him: Worst +/- of all forwards on the WildThen again: His job is to shutdown opposing top lines, not score goals

Wild
Lots of interesting story lines around the Wild right now, as we discussed on TDI last night (and I'm sure you've listened to).

Welcome to the show, Charlie Coyle. The keys to success with the Wild are simple: strong on the boards, physical presence, score goals, don't screw up defensively. You got that, right, kid?

The top line staying together (for now) makes sense. In the absence of consistent secondary scoring, sooner or later teams would figure out how to shut down the top line. With improved secondary scoring the past few games, hopefully we can present opposing teams with a checking conundrum.

We've seen the top line produce and the secondary scoring come out of its shell. It would be great to see what happens when both those things are taking place within the same game.

Defense is getting better. It seems like the top two pairings are developing some chemistry and rhythm within themselves.

Coyotes
Torres is back, the bastard. Maybe Konopka can tune him up in preparation for facing Burrows later in the week. The Coyotes play a defense-first game, so scoring should be at a premium. Vrbata has been a point-per-game player so far this season. Oliver Ekman-Larsson is a budding stud. Coyotes' defense is solid.

Disciplined, opportunistic and solid are words I associate with the Coyotes. Well, and "tough draw", but that's a different blog post.

Hello,
all. Mason here, and welcome to my first offering here at Hitting the Post. I’d like to thank
NiNY for allowing my special brand of awkwardness to grace his page. As the
details of my life are quite inconsequential, I’ll launch right into some
context regarding my the following piece of “writing.”

The night
of the Hawks @ Wild, I had Castle
Danger rehearsal, so naturally I was five-deep by the time I pressed play
to watch the DVR’d game. Right away I wanted to text a good buddy of mine who’s
a Hawks fan. It was getting late, however, and despite my drunken state I decided
better of it. I didn’t want to forget my thought, though, because at the time
it was funny (probably wasn’t). I opened up a wordpad-like app on my shitty
phone and BOOM – "Live" Drunk Blog was born.

I wanted
to keep notes on the whole game (or as long as I maintained consciousness) and
then somehow send my buddy my captured, drunken thoughts. I decided too that it’d
only be funny if I didn’t edit out any typos—of which there’d be plenty as,
again, I was five-deep and using an ailing soft-button QWERT keyboard on a
Z-hinge G2 HTC phone. I also decided not to fact check anything either until after finishing. For instance, I called Bryan
Bickell “Stu Bickel” and accidentally (and sometimes purposefully) butchered
every spelling of anyone’s name. Additionally I just made facts up. I’ll
include a “Clarifications/Retractions/Apologies” section after the LDB.

Long
story short, I ended up taking belligerent, (hopefully) entertaining notes for
the entire game. I also got the idea of seeing if NiNY would be interested in
housing this “article” since he’s asked me for content before. I can think of
no better way of introducing myself to Hitting the Post than with this "Live" Drunk Blog.

I hope
you enjoy!

Set Up:
Wednesday, January 30th – Chicago Blackhawks @ Minnesota Wild (3-2
SO W for Wild). Before puckdrop, the Hawks had the best record in the league,
6-0, and the best start of a season in their history. The Wild were 2-2-1 after
having barely beat the worst team on paper in the league, The Nashless Blue
Jackets the previous night.

---

Opening
stats for Hawks didn't do normal record; it just had a stat for Wins.

The only person wussier than a guy named Frolixk is Granlund...
and Bouchard... and Matt Cullen... but for the first time Granlund's wussiness
paid off.

ODIDHE

OWASIT

Hellva save by Crawferd.

Heeeeey Cullen completed a lplay without having to pick himself up
off the ice unfortunately it was a shot dirextly into the logo of Chief
Whatshishawk.

ODIDHE

OWASIT

I hate the name Dougie Hamilton. Sounds like a figure skater. I'm
also sick of my "sounds like..." jokes, but I fear at this point I'm
incapable of anything more sofisticated. [Deliberate misspelling.]

I wish sometime going to an intermission report that sadly
features that shoe-beating doosh Mike Milbury, that after Milbury says somethi
g idiotic (happens a lot) that Keith Jones would just take off his shoe and
place it gently on the counter.

"Koivu's quick release" lol 8I'm a grade schooler.

OK fuck this intermish report. FFWding to 2nd Period. Mental note:
if a particlar period is epic, spell it like "periad," like Homer's
'Iliad.' ... Keith Jones just gently placed a shoe on my den's counter.

Cullen scored a goal. His trade value has never been higher. Trade
the shit outta him NAOW.

Brodziak sounds like a tin of chew... for the ladies.

WINNER WINNER DISCOUNT CHICKEN DINNER

I haven't seen a deflection that nice since the last time my wife
asked me who broke a wine glass and I blamed the cats

No one cares about Ducktales Brookbank's brother who plays for the
Icehogs, Doc.. fewer people care about the Icehogs.

I just remembered Bax is in net. Gonna need another beer.

I will never watch/kisten the GDMFn Dan Patrick radio television
program. GFYS.

Unpaused the game mid-Emericjk sentence: "...reaching in
Koivu." First though: was the denfender Mark Fistric?

HOLY SHIT Eddie just said "Nice job by the Wild." Take a
drink because He didn't follow it by some kneepad boner comment about how
christ-like Don't Toews Me Bro is.

[Frolik joke]

Heeeeey, truck commercial. Take a drink. Heeeeeey, old people
enjoying themselves because they're not worrying about thier credit car. Take a
drink. Heeeeeey, robocam. Take a drink.

I'd like to take a moment to be serious and say that I honestly
love Eddie Oldchick as a PBP Guy. I love that Doc and (usually) Pat Foley crack
him up enough to chuckle softly to himselfODUYA?!?!

Heeeeey it's Torrey Mitchel's birthday. How bout that? I jist
learned a Wild fact. I also just learned his first name. I also just learned he
plays for the Wild BECAUSE OTHERWISE HE MIGHT AS WELL BE A FUCKING GHOST WHO'S
INVISIBLE AND I HASN'T MADE AN IMPRESSION ON ME WHATSOEVER YET IS MY POINT
SINKING YET BECAUSE THAT'S WHY I'M USUING CAPSLOCK

My favorite jam is "Everywhere I gooo, in every single
videoooo, I see the same Hoooooossa."

I gotta
applaud NBCSNCROSBY's initiative on the whole Rivalry Wedneasday thing, even if
this one is BS

For Shaw ya should've Frolicked more... to hvae a beetter
chance... to score that goal... I'll come back to that joke. There's some
potential there.

Holy shit NBCSNCROSBY is eating the shit out of Harding's MS
story. Yeah. THAT'S why he let in two goals against the best team in the league
and what forced Mike "penis head" Yeo to replace uhim with
Basketcasestrom. Take a drink because I assumed journalistic integrity from a
man who beat a fan with the fan's MFn shoe. Fool me once...

After those MTL v OTT highlights I realize that would've been a
hellva game to Live Drunk Blog.

BTDub, if you had forgotten, apparently Wild v Hawks is a giant
rivalry.

Doc is having a hockgasm over the Herb Brooks statue outside of
the worst entrance into the X. Much respek to Herb, but that's got to be the
worst statue I've ever seen. Either the man was 4'6" or they cheaped out
on the productiong and thought no one would notice a 5/8-to-scale statue. And
he looks like Junior is wearing daddy's sportscoat. I mean, even statues od
Napoleon were exaggerated to match the legacy. Herb deserves that much. For
'merica, if nothing else.

Piere ALMOST called Herb a monster. Instead he yammered on about
some shit that didn't include the word 'monster ."

I'm calling it at 18:00 of the 3rd: Pah-REE-zee has been quiet.
Goal in the 3rd.

God damn it. I just remembered Basketcasestrom is in net. I don't
think I can afford another beer.

Heeeeeey, NBCSNCROSBY just adveettised an upcoming Penguins game
IMAGINE THAT.

Everytime I watch Cullen play, I frown--but then I remember the
new CBA's single contract buyout clause and I smile. Paging Mark Parrish. It'd
be a shame becuase I love Cullen... OFF the ice, and because even WE didn't
give him a substansh contract when we signed him.

Stoner completely highassed that interference play.

[Avoiding complimenting Backstrom for fear of jinxing him--ahh
shit I think that still counts for jinxing...]

Heeeeey Doc's telling some story from 1955. Take a drink.

F Bud Light (Lite?) For using Stevie Wonder's Superstition in a
commercial. I never need to hear/play that Fn song again.

Shattack St. Mary's = the NSA of Minnesota hockey fame.

OWASIT?

Jonas Brosdin will be the Wild's dark horse savior this season.
There. I said it.

Piere just hockgasmed over two hot blond teens in the audience by
pretending their father between them was the coach of Shackattack St.
Mary's--DubeverTF that is.

WTF now Doc is making shit up about highschool girls who play for
this ficticious government-run mystery hockey sxhool. WhereTF is my tinfoil
wizard hat?!

Imagine that: Piere, Doc, and Eddie get bored of the present game
and start gasming over some random player from a larger market team--KILL THE
BOTTLE OF JAME-O.

I kinda dig Bax' helmet this year, and how he embraced the
amibguous anatomically incorrect green Wild beast logo. Just WTF is that thing?
His helmet doesn't know and wouldn't tell if it did.

I'm innerly chanting "LOSER POINT! LOSER POINT!" with
4:30 left in the 3rd--and we're not even losing... yet.

What a game. Two ugly wins for the Wild and Chicago is still
unbeaten in regOH SHUT THE FUCK UP MILBURY SOMEONE SHOW HIM A SHOE

---

Clarifications/Retractions/Apologies:

Johnny
Oduya’s name is the most sarcastic name in hockey, hence all the “ODUYA?” references
each time Doc said he did something.

“Brendan
Saad” should be Brandon Saad.

“Piere
McGuire” should be spelled “Pierre McGuire,” but he’s a doosh so who cares?

As
mentioned above, “Stu Bickel” should be Bryan Bickell.

My
Mankato Math didn’t hold up whatsoever in the following line: “Clutterbuck sounds like a Dollar Store
line of discount chicken. 20-Cent could buy five Clutterbucks. (Is my Mankato
math hodling up?)”

“Heeeeey Cullen completed a lplay without
having to pick himself up off the ice unfortunately it was a shot dirextly into
the logo of Chief Whatshishawk.” – It shouldn’t have been so
difficult to remember that his name was Chief Blackhawk.

POI

Your Bloggers

Nick in New York (NiNY) is just a guy with a computer and a love of hockey. And a wife and two daughters whom he adores. And a decreasing ability to metabolize beer in a way that doesn't, er, add to the bottom line, as it were.

Feel free to toss him an email with any thoughts on the blog, or the sport.

Mason...you don't really want to mess with Mason. He's nasty with the writing skillz. And can drop some ridic culture pulls into his narrative. Lover of haiku.

Mason can be reached at: jaredmas@gmail.com

Did you know that no two zebras' stripes are the same? Well we have a zebra here at HTP, and his name is Doubles. Only he's a hockey zebra - and he's here going to share his great wealth of hockey knowledge from an on-ice official's standpoint with you. Feel free to read him in Chris Rock's voice.