How to stop feeling guilty

We’re talking about the Year of Unapologetic Mastery. Yesterday I asked you to tell me what one of the skeptical people in your life — including yourself — would say to hold you back.

The comments are DISTURBING. If I had any emotions or functioning tear ducts, I would have cried.

Look at this comment:

“I’m my own worst critic. Here are my biggest goals for 2014 and what I tell myself about them:

Lose 16lb – ‘you’ll never manage it, you hate exercise and love cake. You have no willpower.’

Get my driving licence – ‘You’re a terrible driver and the driving test in this country is scary and horrible. Don’t even bother. Buses are cheap.’

Self-publish two ebooks – ‘When do you even think you’ll get the time to write them? And who do you think is going to buy them?’

Get a traditional book deal – cue hysterical laughter inside my head.

Freelance as a travel writer – the laughter has now devolved into gasping for breath and screams of ‘stop it, you’re killing me.’”

– Ellen

Ellen, I want to give you a big hug. Your guilty feelings are so common. So many of us swim in a sea of negativity — and the worst part is, we actually want to hit those goals! Why are we beating ourselves up? How do we stop feeling so guilty?

So many of the comments I read focused on our own negative self-talk. How many of us tear ourselves down over all the things we should be doing?

“I could never do that, I’m just not built for…”

“I never follow through, so I’m not even going to start…”

“Why would anyone listen to me? I don’t have enough experience”

These ways of looking at ourselves are so insidious, so twisted, that we sabotage ourselves before ever getting off the ground and then we feel guilty afterwards.

What’s the solution? Am I going to tell you to look up to the stars, raise your outstretched arms, and sing a spiritual hymn together? No, this isn’t a life-coaching blog that serves no practical purpose in life.

Yes, you ARE responsible for being stuck. No, it’s not your mom, or society, or the heteronormative patriarchal bonds that hold you down. (Do they have an influence on all of us? Of course. Can we control them? No.)

But you can control one thing: yourself. This might be uncomfortable to hear, but it’s true.

This is why I don’t talk about political inequality in America and class warfare. Of course it exists. But the practical change that you, as one person, can have is extremely limited. But if you focus on improving yourself — your career, your personal finances, your inner psychology — you can have a profoundly positive influence on the rest of your life.

How to stop feeling guilty with these two frameworks

I was surprised by all the negative self-talk and feelings of guilt in the comments on yesterday’s post, so I recorded this video to help tackle these crippling barriers. In it, I suggest some on-the-spot improvements. Check it out:

I never even realized how negative my own self-talk was.

Watch this short video to hear how I tackled it. Here’s the most interesting part of the comments: They own up to feeling guilty… but THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING ELSE!

It’s EASY to say, “I feel guilty.” So what? You feel guilty? What are you going to do about it?

It’s MUCH HARDER to say, “You know what, that guy at work was rude, but I probably played a part in that. Here’s how I’m going to tackle it next time.”

When was the last time someone told you, “You know, you kinda asked for it”? For most of us, NEVER! Instead, we almost always expect our friends to support our side of the story. And that’s good — we need that social support — but we also rarely shine a light on our own behavior.

“I decided to push him. “Do you ever wonder why so many disappointing things happen to you?” I asked. “Is it just chance, or might you have something to do with it?”

His reply was a resentful question: “You think it’s all my fault, don’t you?” Now I got it. He was about to turn our first meeting into yet another encounter in which he was mistreated. It seemed he rarely missed an opportunity to feel wronged.”

What do you want from this site? A puppy? You want me to take you to eat croissants and listen to your problem, then tell you it’s not your fault? Not your surrogate Asian father.

Today we’re going to learn how to turn guilt into action…and by the end of today, we’ll break the mental habits that keep us stuck in a rut, making the same mistakes over and over again.

How freeing would it be to not feel guilty about the things you “should” be doing?

We all have at least one friend who is always on top of it. Think about them. How do they do it? Are they rushing from thing to thing, constantly frazzled?

I bet not. In fact, if you notice anything about them, it’s a sense of “ease” about what they’re doing (“I don’t know if it’s going to work out, but I’m going to give it a shot” — and incidentally, it almost always seems to work out).

You might also notice how they’re very selective about what they do: If they can’t make it to an event, they’re polite but firm about not being able to attend. They don’t say, “Sure, I’ll try to be there” and then not show up — either they say no, or if they say yes, you know they’ll be there.

In other words, they’re dependable to you…and to themselves.

What would it be like to live like that?

Turning feelings of self-doubt into action

What if you could turn your guilt into action? Here’s a video I put together on how to do exactly that:

How to stop beating yourself up all the time.

Feeling guilty is a choice — one that you can choose not to do through your actions.

The Framework of Personal Responsibility

Here’s the simple framework to use:

YES, IT’S MY RESPONSIBILITY!

If something goes wrong in a social situation, don’t blame the other person for being an asshole. Ask yourself: Hey, maybe they are rude, but what did I do to cause that?

See, guilt is the first sign that something’s wrong. But most people stop there. “I feel guilty” is not the end, but the beginning of taking action.

For example, I’ve told you how I was kinda socially awkward when I was a young guy. I would go into business meetings and try to make a point, and I would literally see people looking at each other, like “Oh god, not this guy again.”

The thing about socially awkward people is (1) they’re awkward (2) they don’t know they’re awkward. To my credit, I knew I was being awkward…I just didn’t know why.

I felt horribly guilty about being a weirdo in these meetings. I should have spoken up… no, I spoke too long… ugh, am I ever going to be as smooth as those guys from marketing? Is anyone ever going to listen to me?

If I had just sat around saying “I feel guilty” — and stopped there — what would have happened? Nothing. You would not see the smooth, debonair Ramit Sethi you’ve come to know, love, and lust after.

If I had just blamed other people for being mean to me and not respecting me because I was young, I would have felt good about myself. (Complaining feels great!) But nothing would have changed. And years later, frustrated with my lack of career progress, I would have blamed my stagnation on the economy, the political system, the Baby Boomers, anyone…except myself.

There’s a better way. When you take on this role — that I can’t control others but I can control myself — it’s actually empowering. Instead of the inchoate guilt you feel with no outlet for fixing it, you look at life like a series of experiments.

Responsibility Framework Example: Your family is skeptical of your choices

Let’s say you’ve decided to start freelancing on the side. If your family is skeptical of your new project (“Why are you doing that? You should just be lucky to have a job. And also, why would anyone use YOU when there are so many other health coaches out there??”), it would be easy to get frustrated.

What do we do? We tend to argue back, even though we’re not even sure if we’re doing the right thing.

Using our new approach of taking responsibility, we can change this. It’s not our parents’ fault that their skeptical. Of course they want safety and security for us — that’s what they know. So what could I do to assuage their fears?

One approach is to co-opt their fears and say, “You know what? I’m not sure if this will work, but I think it’s worth a shot. If you were in my shoes, how would you approach it?” Now they’re on your side instead of against you.

Another approach is to say, OK, instead of getting mad and storming out of dinner, I’m going to ask them what they think…what they wish they had done when they were younger…and what’s the BEST and WORST that could possibly happen. Gently guide the conversation in the right direction instead of walking in guns blazing.

See the difference?

You’re in control. Not the world. Not society. Not even your parents. You — and all because you adopted this frame.

One final note: At first, this seems daunting. Everything is my fault! I hate you Ramit! But actually, I find this liberating. Now I control it. If something doesn’t work, I can think back to what I did and change it next time so it doesn’t happen again. Just like riding a bike, each time you get better — and you learn to train and trust your intuition.

In other words, people avoid this approach since it’s scary to think everything is your fault. But when you put fault aside, and instead say “guilt –> action,” you’re in control.

How to stop feeling guilty by changing your own self-talk

I have a challenge for you today.

The path to unapologetic mastery starts with improving yourself from the inside out. This challenge doesn’t take a lot of time, but it is tough. Remember, I’ll be sharing more advanced material with people on my email list. (Sign up below.)

Action step: Think about the last time you struggled to finish something. Maybe you were procrastinating at the end of a big project, or maybe you just couldn’t force yourself to exercise for 5 minutes. What self-talk do you remember using?

Do any of these examples sound familiar?

“I really should put this ice cream away. I haven’t done anything all day. I’m such a lazy ass.”

“Come on, go talk to her. Don’t be such a wimp.”

“I HAVE to finish this. I am going to sit here all day and not take a single break until I do.”

Instead of “I’m going to fail” try “I’ll be fine. Even if the worst case scenario happens and I do fail, I’ll still be ok.”

Instead of “I should do X” try “I’d like to do X.”

Instead of “I am not the kind of person who….” try “What if I tried to…”

That’s it. Just 48 hours.

Let’s practice in the comments below…

TO DO TODAY

We’ll work through together how to stop feeling guilty and turn your guilt into action.

Post a comment below that includes two things:

A example of your own negative self-talk

A new, positive perspective on the same challenge

My life changed when I started doing this. Yours can, too.

P.S. This week, people on my Insider’s List will be getting exclusive videos, strategies, and tactics to pursue mastery unapologetically. If you miss it, there won’t be replays. Trust me, if you’ve enjoyed this material, you’ll find the material on my private list potentially life-changing.

181 Comments

I didn’t know you were writing today’s post specifically for me. Thanks for the consideration! In all seriousness, this post strikes at the core of the issues I posted in my comment yesterday and I see every day in my life. Moreover, I can also see how the people I love, in this case my girlfriend, struggle with these very same issues AND how I respond–often poorly, as in your example about someone asking you for advance on personal finance and blitzing them at 100 mph (my girlfriend won’t even talk to me about exercising anymore).

Now, on to the nitty gritty.

I actually want to share a success story I had just yesterday. I got home from work and managed to get myself to exercise (message I said to myself: “what if I just get started as soon as I hit the door? Then I’ll never have a chance to get sucked into the internet!”) which was no small feat in and of itself, but I didn’t stop there. I was bushed after exercising and I still had to cook and by the time I sat down it was almost 9:00 and the last thing I wanted to do was work on learning JavaScript. I figured I’d escape my feelings of guilt by watching some mindless gaming videos on YouTube. A few minutes into a video, I had a thought: “what if I tried watching an inspirational TED talk during dinner instead of zoning out to a YouTube video?” So I wandered over to TED.com and on the front page found a video by Diana Nyad, the woman who swam from Cuba to Florida at the age of 64 last year titled “Never, ever give up”. The whole video was an inspiring tale of how this woman persisted in the face of all kinds of negativity, both external and internal, to become the first person ever to swim one of the most dangerous stretches of ocean in the world. While that was inspirational in and of it self, she hit me with a nugget at the end that launched me into the stratosphere. It was a quote from Socrates who said: “To be is to do.” Man, she nailed me. I polished off my dinner like a champ and popped open my JavaScript book and spent the next two hours studying and coding until I went to bed.

And the thought that lead me to this success? Well it was the exact same as you described in your talk about guilt–what if? What’s even more surprising to me is that my “what if” thought didn’t even have to do with JavaScript itself: “What if I spend my dinner time learning something new or listening to something inspirational instead of resorting to pure escapism?”

I can’t wait to apply this simple framework to other areas in my life, but those are stories I’ll save for another day–or at least another comment.

Mike

P.S. Here’s another one I just thought of: after seeing two awesome videos from Success Triggers on your blog I feel guilty for not buying in (“I’m still paying for other Ramit courses I haven’t finished,” I told myself). Instead I’ll tell myself this: “what if I start saving and setting money aside now so when he reopens this course I’ll be ready to pay for it in full?”

1. Why do you think you could do this? You bombed the interview last time and you’re probably going to do the same thing this year.

2. I don’t know I bombed the interview, I just didn’t make it into the program. This time I’m doing interview rehearsal and doing more research on what the board wants to hear from me (and what certain questions mean). I have more points before the interview than I did last time so my chances are improved.

My goal has always been to work abroad. I have come close many times, even gotten offers in some cases, but the roles were just not a good fit. Sometimes I beat myself up for this, that I should have taken these jobs. but the reality is, the goal I had at 18 is different now that I am a professional with skills and just working abroad is not enough anymore. I do want to still work abroad, but I would like to get clear on a more focused goal. Every time I start doing this, I start to see or feel all the barriers-you don’t have your MBA (even though I have years of fast progression at top global companies and hands on global management experience). It’s hard to get a work visa. Few companies sponsor. I should be really grateful for the work I have (just made a recent move into consulting to get back to a city I love with a huge salary increase, negotiated a strong bonus and move package, and start date on my terms). So, I just am very aware of the blocks I allow myself to notice, rather than the opportunities. Now, rather than limit myself with these ideas I’d like to think differently. I AM grateful for my work. I am a strong contributor, and I can still investigate options that can help me get clarity on my dream job. I AM really good at what I do, there are lots of player haters that challenge my success because I did not spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to get an MBA for a field I studied in college because I knew what I wanted to do. I adore my field and want to transition to a role that is based in Europe and has global focus. I will say my guilt comes when I spend any work time looking at this goal. So I can focus on saving some energy for myself to investigate-morning probably so I don’t feel guilty spending my time on my own personal goals during work hours. On the other hand, I have had nights till 3 AM working on proposals or presentations that i don’t feel bad about-even though it cuts into my personal time. Needless to say, its obvious the narrative has to change. I am darn good at my work, and passionate about it, and there are lots of companies that need my skills. The truth is that I want to work for an organization that I have more in common with culturally and that will narrow the field somewhat, but I have to begin to believe its out there and waiting for me. I just need to find it! Thanks for the topic!!

Awesome story Mike, well done. Good luck Kim, you got it this time. Thank you Ramit for the words of wisdom. I am still thinking about everything that has been mentioned, don’t know where to start… I suppose writing down my thoughts will be a good start, then taking action on the first step. The Stuart message lead me to deep thoughts by Jack Handy, classic SNL.

The past few weeks I have been focusing on maximum two projects per day, and committing myself to getting some of it done. Luckily I’ve made excellent progress so far and plan to continue this attack well into the future.

I find that a lot of it comes down to pulling the trigger on what NEEDS to be done, pleasant or not, rather than fighting fires (and those will always come up).

Insead I should say “I’ve done this before and I can do it again. Concentrate on form and I’ll be happy when I finish. Ill have more energy later and women will desire me like Ramit in a blue satin smoking jacket. I can’t win if I don’t even cross the finish line. You got this Steve!”

What I always try to focus on is that it’s never okay for a workout to be ‘easy’. If it’s easy, you’re not working out hard enough. No matter how fit you are, no matter how out of shape you are, that workout should make your muscles burn and scream (not in an actual pain way!) and your mind want to give up.

Negative Self Talk: I’ve been struggling for probably 8 to 10 years with how to articulate the services that I can or want to provide (not necessarily the same thing). I have stumbled from opportunity to opportunity, without ever really spending the time to figure out what I want. I always give up because it is also impossible to break down a goal into actionable steps if you don’t know exactly what the goal is. Then I think, I’m 50 years old, it’s too late anyway. If I haven’t “figured it out” by now, I never will. I signed up with a local career coach a few months ago, but now I’m kicking myself because I feel like I threw that money away, and I didn’t do enough research before choosing someone to work with – just took the recommendation of a friend.
New, positive perspective: 2013 was a start at building something. If Diana Nyad can swim from Cuba to Miami at 64 (on her 5th try), I can start a business at 50. I may regret signing up with a coach, but at least I took action. I also signed up for Earn1K and RBT, which I have gotten more value from than the coach, but ALL of those things have helped in keeping me accountable, and moving forward. I will start with what I know, learn from my experiences, and my business will evolve from there, like so many others have. So 2013 was just the kickoff, and 2014, in addition to being the year of unapologetic mastery is the year of forward momentum, building something tangible, and not giving up.

Dana,
Congratulations on choosing to focus on what worked for you.
to paraphrase Edision each failure is a step towards your success.

I am like you always doing what “needs” to be done but not really following through to figure out what I want to do. Diana’s story was inspiring to me too. I saw her on PBS and was blown away by her vitality and drive. I said to myself if she can do that at 64 after failing 5 times . I can set a goal to be a successful business owner and reach it at 47. Thank you for helping me to see myself on Ramit’s page.

You always deliver a message I need to hear at the right time!
One of my big ones is a 30 Day Challenge I’m working on getting out the door. Self talk I’m hearing:
“There’s so many out there already. Leave it to them!”
“No one’s going to read this anyway. Can I quit now?”

Instead, I should switch into:
“Even if it fails, I will have proved to myself that I can create a major project. The worst case is that I will have a system in place for the next project I take on, with a better idea of how to get started.”

“I have to finish these projects today” is what I say, then I fritter the time away straightening the desk, checking email and FB and the day is done and nothing else is.

“I am going to start with one sentence, then the next and start writing the project” is what I will do today. It will be done well because I am a very good writer and I will be very proud of the work that I will accomplish.

I will unapologetically master this project, and the next. It will be a very good day and year to come.

One thing that helped me was the ‘eat the frog’ mentality. If you have a task you do not want to do, do it first. That way it frees your mind of that lingering guilt and anxiety at not doing that thing.

Is there something specific about the project that you hate doing that’s causing you to put it off? If so, do it first!

Your emails used to go to my spam box. But I started reading them and you make a lot of sense. It was the name of the blog that has always stopped me before, but you give some great advice. Now I have you marked as Not Spam and look forward to your articles. Thanks.

Negative Scripts:
You don’t lived up to your potential. Look at how much the people around you have achieved, and look at how little you’ve done.

You can’t make a decision to save your life. How hard is it to pick something and stick to it?

You never finish what you start. You don’t have the discipline to really amount to anything.

Positive Scripts:
Every day is a new opportunity, and what’s past is done. Every person has their own path, so comparisons are useless. Instead of beating myself up, I’m going to focus on what I can control and what I can change.

You’re afraid to commit / make a decision because you’re afraid of failure. Instead of thinking about the outcome, pick something that seems interesting and give it a shot – don’t worry about success / failure, but look at every situation as an opportunity to learn something.

Discipline is developed through processes and systems. I have it within me to create the systems for success, and that is what I am going to focus on.

Thanks for this Gauri, exactly what I needed to read! I too beat myself up constantly for failing to complete things that I start, especially courses. One of the reasons I’ve been bouncing around unfulfilling jobs and finally settled on a barely adequate ‘career’ is because I’ve stopped trusting myself to follow through with anything I start.

But you’re right, I can develop discipline through processes and systems. I can create the systems for success (I have in fact been working on just that over the past week or so), and I’m going to focus on using and tweaking them until they work for me.

One thing I’ve really noticed is that routine is especially important for me to make sure I do the things on my ‘to do’ list. So I’ve developed a routine to slot my projects into that should hopefully mean I’ll achieve stuff with them this year.

Also, I will keep reminding myself of the things I have followed through on and got results from. Focussing on the positive things I have achieved is much healthier than beating myself up for dropping out of other things.

I have managed to convince myself that 2014 is going to be a year of change. I’m tired of empty promises from my full-time employers of rewarding those who perform well or letting me work from home eventually. I want to control my own future.

However, while I’m in the midst of trying to flesh out my idea to earn extra income on the side, I keep hearing the nagging voice in the back of my head “Who is actually going to want to buy this? How is this ever going to be good enough?” I hear taunts from my coworkers in my head about how I don’t know anything and all of my past bosses listing out all of my faults and deficiencies.

However, I’ve done my homework. I know I have a target market who has both the willingness and ability to pay. I also know what I’m doing– if I have applied my ideas and they’ve made my life easier, and I’ve shared them with friends and also solved problems for them, then my idea for earning some extra money on the side can work. It just needs to be a little bit better than what others are doing.

My situation – I’d like to make money on the side teaching Italian to English people.

1. My negative self-talk: why do I think I’m good enough to teach this? I’ve never taught anything before. Why wouldn’t people just pay a native to teach them? What if they ask me the meaning of a word in Italian and I don’t know it? It would be embarrassing.

2. I’ve worked long and hard to learn Italian myself, so what makes me think I haven’t got a lot of knowledge and insight to pass on? Plus I receive a lot of compliments about how well I speak the language. Why not just try – I don’t even have to commit to anything big and can just take the first few small steps – speaking to other language teachers asking how they got started, and speaking with students to find out their expectations. If it turns out I can’t do it, then that’s cool, and I’ll try another idea. Let’s do it!

Hey Matt, just to encourage you, I took Italian lessons before my last trip to Italy to brush up on my skills, and my tutor wasn’t even Italian-American, let alone a native Italian. As a student, I just cared that she spoke Italian better than me, which she did.

I tried starting a business on the side last year. I was able to get in touch with potential clients and talk about what I can offer their businesses. Unfortunately, this never really got any traction. I became a victim of my own negative self-talk.

I kept telling myself that I’m a fraud – that if they ever did hire me, I’d be stealing their money, and that I didn’t know shit about how to help them. This, of course, wasn’t true. As we talked about their current problems, ideas for solutions kept popping in my head that I was sure they could use to get results. Still, the negativity persisted in the back of my head.

I’m going to try my hand at a side business again. This time, instead of thinking that I’m a fraud, I’m going to try out giving my solutions to them for free (for starters) to see if I really do know enough to help their businesses. If I get results, awesome validation for me! If not, I won’t think that I stole their money, and the experience might teach me where I can improve upon.

1. What makes you think you can start a business on your own? The last business you had with a partner just failed.

2.What if I tried this, and saw what I could create? If I succeed, I’ll get what I want, and if I fail, I know I’ll be okay because I have just experienced that and I’m still alive and kicking. Also my first business succeeded, and the massage therapist who owns it now, has found it easy to continue because of what I built.

I took this approach recently when apply to graduate school. I graduated in 2012 and flaked hard on applying to graduate school. I told myself my grades weren’t good enough, I didn’t have enough experience etc. I even told myself that I wasn’t adult enough for graduate school. I live with PhD candidates who are less put together than I am!
So last summer I shoved those thoughts aside, told myself to apply and failure would be ok. I’m actually interested to see what I’ll do if I don’t get into the schools I wanted. I’ll probably spend a day being a moop, but I already have a meeting at a sweet company that I’m kind of excited about. Failure doesn’t scare me anymore.
It’s exciting to think about what skills I need to improve on, what mental blocks I’ve set up for myself, and what systems will be the best way to tackle those. You’re site has been really helpful so far, and I’m looking forward to the next few months.

Ok, I feel like this is really silly and stupid to share, but I am going to override my negative self-talk and comment anyway.

1. I’m not the type of woman who wears makeup.
a. I prefer to be natural, and makeup feels fake.
b. Who’s going to see me on the average day? I work from a home office. Who cares?
c. Makeup is an expensive waste of money filled with nasty ingredients.

2. What if I tried to wear makeup for one week?
a. I can still be natural and polish my appearance with a little makeup.
b. Perhaps I will feel more put-together and be more motivated to go out on the average day.
c. I can find a responsible brand that is in line with my ethics and buy a single item at a time.

I love this post! I don’t find it silly at all (definitely your negative self-talk at work). I have been working through a bit of a similar issue related to clothes/hair/make-up. I have spent the past two years mostly in sweats & T-shirt, rarely combed hair and rarely any makeup because I have felt so physically poor and mostly stayed at home or went to dr apts. One of my goals last year was to slowly change that and I was surprised at how much better I felt physically when I made those changes! Simply combing my hair, putting on some natural makeup and wearing decent clothes was a big mental boost! Your redirected talk is exactly what I discovered too be true.

Negative Scripts
1.) I’m so far behind everyone else. Everyone else from high school already have their degrees and are in great careers. You will never catch up!

2.) I can never just make a decision.

3.) I want to help young women/teenage girls in my community that are having some difficult times. How in the world can I offer them anything?

Positive Scripts
1.) The past is gone, and I have a lot more understanding about myself than I did back in high school. Comparing myself to others is stupid. Instead, I’m going to work on the things that I can change.

2.) You have a hard time committing because of fear of failure. I’m going to just choose a decision that makes sense to me and see how it goes. If it’s profitable, GREAT! If not, then I had an opportunity to learn.

3.) I have overcome a lot of obstacles in my life: illness, financial issues, the death of a parent, etc. I can impact these women/teenage girls because I know where they are coming from and I actually CARE about where they are at.

I could list a number of ways I put pressure on myself to do it all! But I recently learned about the concept of self-compassion and it’s truly changed my life. I’m learning that treating myself kindly will help me when life gets rough and I’m feeling badly about myself.

Reframes are great, so I use them a bunch knowing that it’s also important for me to be kind to myself…so I’m not equating my self-worth with my achievements or failures.

My self talk begins with the lack of application that I have around what I learn. I have an MBA and even though I excel at “working” for a company, I wanted to be an entrepreneur…so I quit and now own a tattoo shop and run an engineering consulting firm. I am no 18 months in and struggling with cash flow just as bad as the day I opened….and so I am convinced that I should pack it in because I really don’t have what it takes to be self employed.

To change that I am going to take each day as it comes and say ” how do I look toward getting through today , or even this month better than last year at this time….

1) You are completely out of shape man..look like a crushed & soaked sponge with flab on unexpected side . You have been trying for 3 years and u have failed every time. What makes you think you can become fit now ?

2) I have done this 3 years back.I have run 5 miles everyday for 100 days continously.Felt fitter.Looked better.Participated in Marathon.Was flowing with confidence.I can do it again.All it needs is focus..Back then i had a fitness freak friend who ran with me everyday.I might miss him this time but his words and motivation are still in my mind.

Example of negative self talk I had for the past few months: “No one will pay you to consult with youth athletes as a sport psychologist, what a silly idea…”

I have now flipped that (and pitched my first client monday) to say: “Yes, this is definitely something that you don’t see a lot of, but with my 10+ years of coaching experience, I know the importance of a good mental framework for competition, even for teenagers. Since I’m good at motivating people to think better about themselves and their potential, I’m also uniquely situated to offer this as a professional service, even if it’s a relatively novel idea

My current negative self-talk is about whether or not I can start my own business. The words inside my head are “you don’t want to put in all those hours,” “you won’t be able to find the clients,” and of course “you don’t even know what type of business you want to do.” Last year I joined Dream Job and I did the work and nailed what was, at that time, my dream job. Is it still? I know I want to work in education, but I want more flexibility in my hours. I also want to be in touch with more people. Maybe if I reach out to more people I will be more satisfied. I think I’m going to do that right now.

1. You’re an idiot. Who do you think you’re fooling? You’ve missed your window of opportunity and don’t have what it takes to make enough money to be financially solvent or a great writer or be in good health. Ever.

2. There is no window of opportunity. You’re already taking steps to make extra money. You’ve been working on your manuscripts. And you’ve been doing yoga everyday. Baby steps are still steps.

Just wanted to say that I am one of those people who thinks I’ll just never be “one of those people” (who has an online business, who actually successfully runs a fitness website or is comfortable interacting with people and being open, who is actually successful). When I’ve talked about this with others (family, friends) they say “it’s ok to just be normal and that’s probably just how you are.” But I feel more, I feel like this really can happen for me (at least at my best, at my worst I feel like I may never succeed at anything).

Instead of overthinking all of this to death, my plan this year is to simply follow along with you and do the work you outline (like in today’s and yesterdays posts) and suspend judgement for the time being. Just do the work and see what happens.

Just wanted to say thanks for what you are doing, I appreciate it.

A example of your own negative self-talk

“You aren’t going to write an article for your blog, or actually go through with that muscle building ebook you’ve been working on for the last two years because you are a) lazy and b) scared to actually show anyone your work for fear that they might think it sucks (or just that no one would ever buy it) and c) Just not the kind of person who does that kind of “on the side” business- you’re more of a traditional, 9-5 kind of guy.”

A new, positive perspective on the same challenge:

“I would like to begin writing more articles for my blog and finish the muscle building ebook I have been working on. My advice is actually pretty solid–it’s worked for me and some others, it could really work well for a lot of guys trying to build muscle and transform their bodies. Finishing creative work is difficult, and something everyone struggles with. Even if I finish it and no one likes it or buys it–that’s ok.”

Negative: “You can’t sit down now, you have too much to do. You have to get everything done before you can relax.” If I give in and sit down anyway, the voice says, “you shouldn’t be sitting here, you’ve got too much to do.”

Positive: “What’s one thing I can get done now? When that’s done, I can relax.”

Incidentally, have you ever noticed that negative talk is full of “you’s” but the positive reframes are full of “I’s?” I wonder why that is?

It’s hilarious, in a sad way – I’m constantly encouraging people to up their game when it comes to ending the negative self-talk, and yet…

Example of my own negative crap: “I should just look for a real job – I’ll never make this business work”.

A better turn of phrase: “I wouldn’t have spent the past year learning all I’ve learned and being led to masters like Ramit (*shameless ass kissing, sorry*) if there wasn’t a reason for it. I have the skills and the smarts to make this work. All I was missing was the time – and now I have that, too! I have exactly what I wanted, and it’s all up to me now. If other people can do it, so can I”.

Negative: I’ll never finish my friend’s website. It’s too hard and I don’t understand every minute detail of it, so I should just keep putting it off.
Positive: It’s okay not to know everything. Break it down into small goals that are achievable and give myself a high five when I accomplish one.

I have come to realize (finally!) that I’m afraid of success! I’m afraid I won’t know what to do if lots of people signed up for my seminar, and actually enjoyed it! So I tell myself stories about how no one would be interested, and I shouldn’t even bother offering a seminar and marketing it. This year, I’ve been trying the “what-if” question with a positive ending. I’m also tricking myself into taking action. The conference room is booked for my first seminar! Now to get some attendees…

1. I’m not fit for teaching people online about programming since I’m young and English is not my native language. If I make a video, people could be put off by my accent

2. I’m good at programming and my English is impeccable, there is no harm in trying to teach people about programming online. Maybe it works and takes off and if it doesn’t, I’m still where I started, which isn’t anything bad at all.

Example of my own negative self-talk: If I pursue this career and I fail I will have nothing to hope for. It’s always been the “If I could do anything” job. If I try and fail the romanticism will be gone.

Reframed: Great risk have great returns. I can learn from my “failures.” Unlike in regards to many other things I have passion/energy to persevere if things aren’t amazing right out the gate. I’ve succeeded in things I don’t really care about. What would happen if I tried something I do care about? My guess, great things!

my negative self talk
1) There are so many other people better than you in every way, failing at this , how can you think you will succeed?
2) even if you do better or the same as them how do you know you will get a job when its clearly stated they have only one position available and if you fail all your energy , time and money will go to waste
3) You are already 3-4yrs late for this which is a proof that you weren’t made for this , if u were or if you really wanted this , you would have worked harder! if you really wanted this you would not have wasted so much time
4) It will take soo long to lose alll the weight you want to that i’ll jus get fed up of it half way through
5)My world is not going to CHANGE overnight if i lose weight
6)Until l have a specific routine everyday and everyone and everything in the UNIVERSE doesn’t help me (as in doesn’t upset my routine) i can’t accomplish my everyday tasks and achieve my goals
I can go on and on…….anyways coming to the positives…..

1)I don’t know how they fail, i just know i can come up with many things that can make me avoid failure.
2)I am not goin to do anything else with this money, currently i don’t have any other project that requires my energy or focus so instead of spending another year doin nothing and failing newez its better i do it no matter what the result and who knows …i may succeed ..
3)I was in one way or other working to achieve this goal, i jus didnt have a good direction and time on my hands had i been in the situation i am today with free time on my hand and money to finance i’m sure nothing would have stopped me its not like i wasn’t doing anything in life, i have done what very few people can even think of and that alone proves that i am a strong woman who can put up with difficult things when life throws them in my way. So if in the past i was busy removing obstacles others put in my way, what’s keeping me busy now? the passage of time does not mean that i have lost my intelligence or my strengths. what’s done is done, had i wished it to be different? yes, can i do anything about it? no, did i do my best in those trying circumstances ? a definite YES so jus stop pestering me about those PRECIOUS GONE YEARS OF MY LIFE . THEY ARE GONE AND IF I DON’T DO ANYTHING 2014 WILL BE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE GONE.

4)Even if i go halfway through i’ll look fab so i’ll try it
5)It may not but my health will
6)My life has always been a turmoil a mountain of multitasking but i used to have a trick- an instant detachment from the previous thing i was doing to an intense concentration towards what i’m doin.. even if it was for a few minutes at the end of the day everything would be complete …a pattern within patterns .

What a great article Ramit.
I love how you just go straight to the point and give practical advice which people are capable of use in their life right away.

I even saved this article on Delicous like you recommended.
I’m definitely going to use this right now.
I just cought myself doing this on three thing and I’m going to post it here what

A example of your own negative self-talk:
1. I feel ashamed of myself letting other people see how bad shape I’m in so I shouldn’t go to the gym.

2. Why can’t I learn this faster! I’m I stupid???. I thought I was intelligent, but I guess I’m just stupid.
3. Why is my spelling so bad! I never know how to use some words in a sentence, people will think I’m stupid.

A new, positive perspective on the same challenge
1. They don’t care, they are already to busy thinking what other people think of them.
Another perspective: My practice doesn’t have to be perfect, I just need to go there and try to have as much fun as I can meanwhile.
2. Everybody struggle with learning this, if I put in the time and if I learn actively instead of passive, I’ll be able to understand this subject.
3. Who cares what random people in the internet think of me.
I can improve this by commenting more and google everything I want to know how to write. That is how I can consistently improve my writing and my thought process.
Also if I’m having a trouble spelling a word, I take that trouble work, learn how it’s spelled properly and write it 5-10 times correctly.(already done this like four time just in this comment)

Again thank you very much Ramit, your super useful articles have helped me and inspired me to improve when my motivation has been low.

I started going to the gym in November, despite telling myself how much I would hate it.

Not only that… I started doing the group classes.

And you know what? No one even hardly looked at me, except in a shared appreciation of what we’re doing. It’s hard work, and it’s hard work for everyone. We’re all working at our own pace, and it’s hard for all of us. We’re all sweating and panting by the time we’re done, and no one cares

So I just want to reinforce your positive talk as someone who now goes to the gym every day. People want you to succeed, and are happy to see others struggling with them.

1. How can I charge that much? Is my work really worth it? What if my client says no and I could have gotten their business if I charged less?

2. I know other people in my specialized area charge that much, even if my clients don’t know. The fee will save my clients tenfold what they pay me. I will never grow my business and pay off my debt if I don’t charge what I’m worth. (And yes, I’m worth this amount … years of study and carefully acquired knowledge make me worth it. I will put more effort into the final work product though, because it doesn’t always reflect the caliber I want to deliver.)

I tend to think: “Karthik, you’re so dumb, you would never be able to accomplish … (insert accomplishment here, let’s say get a job at the company I want to work at)”. Starting now, I am instead going to think, “Karthik, you are really smart and you will get the best job for you because you’ll have earned it.”

I think my negative self talk at times is a psyche out. I know I can accomplish tasks, but I like to “mutitask” and when things get frustrating I like to turn to email/social media/another task to break the flow. Theres a fine line between the 5 minute walk away form your computer and using clutter to avoid facing work.

I use those time management skills (mapping out how long it takes me to complete tasks) to show myself I waste time, then I try to prioritize.

Instead of saying “I can get this done whenever, I work better under pressure” I say “If I finish this task now, I’ll have more free time later”. It helps here and there

I’ve started my own business and it’s been a serious challenge. But a lot of people have already touched on careers and business, so here’s a slightly different situation: tiny helicopters.

A friend of mine recently gave me a small radio-controlled helicopter, which I’ve never tried out before. Many crashes later, I found myself thinking, “My coordination sucks; the people who built this thing were morons; I hate this tiny helicopter; it’s probably broken anyways.”

After reading your post, I tried another practice flight but started off by thinking, “Yes, flying this thing is hard. And that’s what makes it fun. If it was easy to do this, it would be dull and pointless.”

In short, I’ve started embracing the difficulty and frustration because those are the indicators of something worth doing. And yeah, that applies to both running a business and chasing the neighbor’s cat with a small flying machine.

You called me out Ramit, I really thought those pictures were really you! Ok, negative self-talk. Let me start a few years ago, I started with your blog, read your book IWTYTBR, bought ebook “Negotiating A Lower Rent” which came with “30DayChallenge” and “Scrooge Strategy.” Saved beaucoup of mula. Then I proceeded to purchase Earn1K last year late January 2013 same year I got unemployed for personal reasons. So I figure I’ll stay unemployed, (cost of living paid from my saving which was made possible by investing in your material) and focus on Earn1k. Well Ramit…. (as I cringe cowardly in fear of inflicted harm from my surrogate Asian father like the scene in Grown Ups 2 when Shaq cringes cowardly in front his older brother) I kept pushing E1K to the side, distracting myself on less important miscellaneous stuff. I kept telling myself, after I finish with this and that, then I’ll focus 100% on E1K. Then when I had time to work on E1K, here came along the NAY sayers. Ugh!

But you hit it right on the nose, surrogate Asian father. My negative self-talk was fear of failing and not making money or enough money. Even worst having them Nay sayers say, “I told you so.”

My positive perspective, “I succeeded on Ramit’s previous material, how is E1K any different? My surrogate Asian father would not set me up for failure.”
2014: The Year of Unapologetic Mastery HERE I COME!!!

****As I cringe back in my position of cowardliness and with a voice filled with fear , “Please don’t hit me.”

Negative: You’ll never be able to write a A quality paper and prepare for your workshop with the time you have left.
Positive: If you work consistently, take breaks when your energy flags, and carefully define what an A quality paper looks like to you, you will be satisfied with your work.

Ramit, You are excellent and precise. You are not going to believe this- i was feeling a little tired, fighting off some cold or the other,so I said to myself “I am not going to post a comment today, I will open up my E-Mail and post a comment tomorrow.
I thought what if I pushed myself and just scroll down, and leave a comment? Would I not feel better going to bed knowing that I pushed myself against my emotion and just do it! I feel so great while I was doing it. I am now encouraged even further to push myself even while I am feeling a little under the weather. Guess what I am not feeling under the weather anymore,I am on top of it in spite of the headache I am having while typing this.

This is part of my negative script (excuses) for my guilt over my awkward, inarticulate tendencies that leave lots of people scratching their heads, waiting for the main point, and having to clarify to make sure that is indeed what I meant to say.

“I suck at making conversation with new people. I don’t know what to say. Every time the conversation is in my hands, I bring it to a dead end… Wait, was what I just said even related to what we were talking about? Why do they look so confused? Great, now they’ll probably be wanting to just wrap up the quick “hey, how’s it going” and move on.
I know the best way to improve social skills is practice, but I could be such a coward sometimes and find all sorts of excuses not to go out to gatherings that could be uncomfortable. Why couldn’t I be more extroverted like so and so? My discomfort thresholds are also not very high…”

—

By the end of this year, I’d like to become comfortable enough in social situations that my conversation skills won’t be a factor in deciding whether or not I accept an invite.

How about starting small? Attend more events for the purpose of listening and observing, without feeling the pressure of having to speak. (It’s okay to stand there quietly, you’re studying.) Then I can try a couple of the things I observe in good speakers in a more comfortable setting, in my regular interactions with family and friends, maybe reconnect with people I haven’t seen or spoken to in a while. It’ll be good.. I’ll be able to catch up and deepen relationships.

If you really are tired all the time, there might be something missing from your diet. I was always exhausted, but then I started using a sunlamp and taking multivitamins and vitamin D, and that helped me. It might not work for you, but maybe talk to your doctor, especially if your tiredness is seasonal.

I used to draw a lot as a kid. I’m definitely still an ametuer, but I would love to be able to do some kind of graphic work, as I’m kind of tired of current carrent path. So in 2013, I decided to work with a friend on a comic book. I’m on the last page (13 pages) of pencils and I can’t seem to get around to finishing it. I know what I have to do. It’s sitting on my drawing table everyday. I walk past it to go to bed and get ready for work. Here’s what I usually say to myself.

-Eh, just finished the holidays. one more day won’t hurt.
-Sleep is more important!!! Don’t want to get sick do you?
-You have to draw a car in the last panel and your cars always look like garbage.

Here’s how I could turn it around.

-Sleep is important, but this important to me too.
-You can’t get better at drawing cars without practice.
-You don’t have to work all day on it, just give it 20-30 minutes of your time.

1. Don’t ask other people for advcie, they will think you are stupid to ask.
2. Don’t call to people, because you will interrupt them while they are doing something important.
3. You don’t have something usefull to say to people.

Positive
1. People love to give advice, so ask the right person for advice on the things that are on your mind.
2. People love to have a conversation and when they are busy they will tell you and call you later.
3. Be interested in other people and try to give them advice, maybe it’s usefull to them, maybe not, but you gave your best try.

Ramit, you really struck the things that have been bothering me the last years of my live in these last posts. Keep up the good work, really love the posts!

I think my biggest neegative self-talk it’s related with my college debt, every time I think of making a trip or buying something nice for myself or anything involving money I immediately think about how much I owe and the exact amount of the monthly payments, and say “I can’t afford to go there or buy that, I must pay the debt before I can do anything else and I mean anything travel, give to myself a nice birthday present (I’m turning 25 in two weeks), save more money, find a better – more fulfilling job, or going back to school to get better education.

Perhaps a new positive perspective could be Debts are part or my life but not my whole life and I shouldn’t make it an obstacle for other goals I have?

I have to confess that I feel really guilty about seeking other employment. I have been with my current employer going on 9 years but the work has been uninspiring and my colleagues are at the end of their career so the team lacks motivation and ambition.
Leadership has done a lot for me in the past such as providing flexibility when I was experiencing health issues, accommodating me with a remote/ part-time position when I moved to another city and creating a full time position for me when I returned to the area. There is zero turn over in my department. As I mentioned before, my team consists of those at the end of their career and they are not seeking change or have plans for increased responsibility. Like Ramit says, working with low performers brings you down instead of making you rise to the occassion. I am so ready to take off in my career, I am ready for more but am torn since I have a great sense of loyalty to my team.
Throughout this time I have been working on ways to strengthen my skills and broaden my scope of expertise in order to move on to a senior position elsewhere. I just have a feeling of dread in finally getting my dream job and having to tell my current employer and dealing with the dissapointment from the team. When I moved away a couple of years ago the team reacted with a huge shock and I was still technically an employee, just not in the office everyday. I just don’t want the team to feel I am unappreciative and disloyal.

I read so much information out there on the web, whether it’s Ramit, Tim Ferriss, Noah Kagen or anything else I can find but there’s 2 things I struggle with. One is not following up and the other is not retaining the information. Funny thing is that these 2 are probably linked. I know that if I followed up and made comments or took notes that I’d probably retain more info and be able to implement it into my life. I know that I’ve been thinking negatively by telling myself “I’m just not good at learning something I read” Now, I’m going to force myself to take another approach and say “I can take a few minutes to take notes on what I’m reading and/or do the follow up items and see if that helps.” Leaving this comment was the first step!

My negative self-talk evolves around never finishing a majority of things I begin aka a habitual incompleter? lol One prime example , I signed up for the Dream Job last January and I’ve attempted it 3 times and never made it past week 4. I try not to think about why I barely ever complete so many programs or regimens. I also find myself just hopping on to the next program or regimen. I’m always excited to start something but once I stall in someway or form my guilt turns into denial and i quickly move on.

I would like to take a look at some of the programs I’ve given up on pinpoint why I did and take small steps to complete them even it it means just working on it 5 mins day.

P.S. Writing this post I was trying to talk myself out it. I was telling myself I dont have anything of value to post. Why waste these peoples time.

I’ve already transformed my language from the “woe is me” to the “I can take on any goal and am excited by the pain and learning that comes with it,” so this comment is for those who are doubting themselves…

First, for the doubters, here are my “credentials”:
– Completely changed careers in 3 months: went from quitting a higher ed career to getting hired as a web developer without knowing how to write a single line of code when I first put in my 2 weeks notice.
– Reduced “workweek” from 60hrs to 20hrs with an increase in pay.
– Negotiated remote work: my “office” is now a standing desk in my home gym (motivates me to actually exercise).
– Cut debt, maxing out 401k’s and Roth IRA’s.

This all happened in 2013 and I still can’t believe it. Here was my negative self-talk in 2012:
– I’ve spent the last 5 years working in higher ed. No one is going to higher me for any other job.
– I’ve got a job that pays most of the bills at home. A career change will probably come later when I have the time and money.
– No one works remotely unless they work for one of those trendy companies like Google or 37Signals.

Biggest insights so far:
– It all starts in your mind: when I finally accepted that I will fail a lot and that I will learn to love the pain of hard work, shit started happening for me.
– Being smart makes you lazy: STOP READING HOW-TO SHIT! Being a smart person makes you want to read more and more information on success, but it becomes like masturbation. Reading gets you nowhere! Take action…if you fail, summarize the reasons why and create next steps to try something else. As they say, once you get the message, hang up the phone.
– Ambiguity screws you over: define plans and goals to the smallest detail or else you’ll abandon your goal when shit hits the fan. Having a goal to “lose weight in 2014″ is STUPID. Instead, change it to “I will lose 50lbs in 20 weeks by eating 1700 calories everyday. If I don’t hit that goal I will give away my wife’s plasma TV on CraigsList. PROTIP: Losing my wife’s tv means losing my balls. I’ve lost a lot of weight.

2014 has become the “Year of Investing in Myself”. Part of that is to connect with other like-minded people, so if you have any questions or just want to chat feel free to email me at rgonzalezacuna [at] GoogleEmail.

Also, apologize if I Kanye’d on the caps lock a couple times. I feel like I’ve discovered a secret power and everything I’ve wanted is at my grasp!

Negative talk I’m having: I don’t think this writing will work on my site.

Positive talk I came to understand: write it now. Write it anyway. From the heart and truest reason why you do what you do. That’s how I’m inspired to follow others. And that’s how I will inspire someone to follow me.

I’ve held myself back from applying to a few competitive graduate programs and fellowships because 1. I’ve been down that road before and failed miserably and I’m too damn scarred to try again. I see this experience as proof that in anything I undertake, I won’t be able to keep up. I’ve resigned myself to thinking that I’m just not “that” kind of overachiever. Side effects include pervasive feelings of defeat in every area of life, and urges to run to the mountains and hide away from society.

I’m not sure what I should be saying, but hell, I’ll try: Everyone else feels the same way as you do, they’ve just figured out ways to cope, and with time you will too. The important thing is to stay in the game and ask for help when needed from the people you perceive as stronger than you.

Hahahahah! Perfect example was posting this comment. I initially said, “why would I post a comment, Ramit would probably skip over it and never respond.” I quickly changed this negative self talk to, “Well, Ramit may skip over this, but it is something worth doing and it only takes a second of my time, and also helps me get over something that has been plaguing me for years.” So to Ramit, if you read this, thank you for reading, if not, thank you anyways.

Hahaha, this reminds of something I used to get a lot where I’d speak to people and the other person seems to not REALLY be listening, or I’d feel like maybe they think I’m lying or some dumb crap or whatever and then I’d feel like sh*t about it, if I don’t get the response I was looking for.

But this taught me ( in many times) –
*Not to have my sense of ‘feeling good’ connected to something, outside of myself…like a getting a response…and getting someone to tell you ‘hey cool idea’.

A example of your own negative self-talk:
Your body just looks like this. Your parents are both heavy and out of shape, and you’re lucky to be as thin as you are. Even if you waste time and energy exercising or learning to cook, you won’t see a lasting difference.

A new, positive perspective on the same challenge:
Everyone feels weird about their body, and wanting mine to be stronger, healthier and more agile is awesome. Besides, you love dancing and lifting weights, and even cooking has been fun in the right conditions, so even if you fail at changing your body, the time working on it will have been enjoyed, not wasted.

WOW! Excellent insight into psychology and how it can affect our behavior.

As a personal trainer I always get the same thing from clients – “I have tried everything and nothing works” which I think is very similar to “yeah I should…”

I can see how this can get you in the mindset where you feel that you are not “able” to do anything about your situation as I find myself struggling with the same things sometimes in other aspects of my life.

Really good. Interestingly, when people say “I’ve tried everything and nothing works,” and you ask them what they’ve tried, they’ve usually tried less than 5 things. There are so many fascinating psychological reasons for this. And trainers are on the front lines to hear them all!

1) Do you really think you can teach others? Who would want to learn from you? You might have lots of experience, but that’s all subjective. You don’t even have a degree! You probably won’t be able to find any students anyway, so why even try?

2) I don’t know whether this will work, but let’s give it a shot and see what happens! You’ve gotten loads of positive feedback on your talents, much more positive than negative. Might as well see how teaching turns out, it could be great! Even if it doesn’t work straight away, then you’ll at least be able to see why it didn’t work and change it.

I want to jump right through to active property investing (i.e. go out there, do renovation, sell, etc etc):
“I don’t have any experience, what if I lost a lot of money and ended up worse?”
“I need a lot of capital to do that safely!”
“How can I do that if I can’t even drive?”
“I can never drive a car as I’m scared that I will hit someone”

How i get through it:
“Of course I don’t have any experience. Most people took years to get where I want to go, so this is normal. Capital needs to be accumulated, which I’m currently doing, so well done, keep doing it! Research takes time, so rather than risking everything and make the jump, do all the research first and take the jump when I’m confident enough. Driving is one of the limiting factor as I have not even started, so let’s do it in baby steps. Take the test to get a learner license and then book a driving lesson. I’ll see how it goes from there.”

I have scheduled the driving test and currently looking for several driving lesson providers.

These are great tips and a nice article. A lot of the time people that hold you back don’t realize that they are. They actually sometimes think they are doing you a favor. Just keep doing what you’re doing and try to make it work, not everyone knows what you are truly capable of, and sometimes you need to prove them wrong.

Goal: Join Ramit’s Brain Trust Facebook Accountability Group
1. Why am I not joining Ramit’s Brain Trust Facebook Accountability Group?
Because I don’t think I’ll like the person I’m paired with
2. Why do I think I won’t like the person I’m paired with?
Because I don’t think they’ll like me
3. Why do I think that they won’t like me?
Because other people don’t like me
4. Why do I think that other people don’t like me?
Because people don’t talk to me
5. Why do people not talk to me?
Because I’m not approachable
6. Why do I think I’m not approachable?
Because I look sick
7. Why do I think I look sick?
Because I’m not exercising
8. Why am I not exercising?
Because I feel too tired after work
9. Why do I feel too tired after work?
Because I don’t sleep well
10. Why don’t I sleep well?
Because I don’t get enough sleep
11. Why don’t I get enough sleep?
Because I am addicted to my computer
12. Why am I addicted to my computer?
Because I have nothing to look forward to after work
13. Why don’t I have anything to look forward to after work?
Because I stopped going out
14. Why did I stop going out?
Because I don’t have any friends here
15. Why do I not have any friends here?
Because most of the people at work are older than me and I don’t go to bars (because I don’t like the party scene and don’t like drinking)
16. Why do I not look for other places besides bars and work to meet people like me?
Because I don’t make friends easily and I wouldn’t make friends anyway
17. Why don’t I make friends easily?
Because I like to hang out with people while doing something I like and not just sit and talk
18. Why don’t I try to find meetup groups around the things I like?
There is a meetup group in town that plays a sport I like…

Other people don’t like me –> My family and girlfriend likes me. My friends while growing up like me. What if I just did what I liked and found others who liked the same things?

I don’t make friends easily –> What if I approached others with things that I like to do? What if I coordinated a sports event?

I’m too self-conscious to workout at the gym –> What if I went to the gym on a Sunday early morning (or Friday night) and casually asked a trainer how to use the TRX machine? Then I can work out with TRX at home until I feel more confident going to the gym.

I feel tired at my job –> What if I woke up on a consistent sleep schedule and worked out in the morning?

1. I can start my writing career anytime, I just don’t have time to write now, I need to be doing chores or work assignments when I have free time, not fiction writing. I may never make money from fiction writing.

2. What if I start writing for a few minutes every night after the kids are in bed and see how far I can get on my story?

I have been struggling with negative self-talk for a loooong time. Here are some examples, old and actual:
– I am not good enough; haven’t study enough to deserve this or that.
– My company is not doing good because I don’t have the right partners.
– My company is not doing good because I have failed to give it structure by investing in employees.
– I gained 7lbs, I will not get rid of them for sure.
– I will never leave Panama because all the opportunities are here. And so… I have spent additional 4 years of the 3 I originally came to this country.
– I will never get accepted in an MBA (although never tried).

There are so many and at so many levels that is hard to keep counting. When I saw Ramit’s post about guilt I was coming out of exactly a moment where I was blaming everybody and everything for one thing: MY own choices in life.

My purporse this year is to truly be aware of the responsability of driving my life. And it begins with simple changes in the way I talk to myself and also forgiving myself if something does not go as expected. I started by accepting that I have my limitations and working on them: one goal is to get accepted on an MBA and for that I have done the first step that is getting a math tutor for my GMAT AND changing my self-talk that “I suck at math” to “I have better skills for social and logical analysis and need to improve my calculations skills”.

One of my most helpful mentors used a phrase with me after a couple of meetings that has done the most to help me change my perspective (as you suggest in this article). It’s been one of the most helpful things anyone ever said to me:

“Most people need to stop “should-ing” on themselves.”

Now whenever I catch myself thinking or saying, “I should…” the image that pops into my head is a powerful force to make me stop and re-evaluate what I’m thinking or saying. I take enough crap from the rest of the world, I really don’t want to dump it on myself too!

“Should” induces guilt. “Want”, “Will” “Won’t” are much better and force evaluation instead of guilt.
I SHOULD call my mom more… No, figure out which it is:

I WANT to call my mom more. (If this word doesn’t fit… perhaps I need to let go of the idea. Perhaps I really don’t want to call my mom more… if thats the case, I need to evaluate the whole idea, not just keep feeling guilty. Where is this idea/expectation coming from? How realistic is it? Based on the evaluation of how “Want” fits, I move on to one of the next ones…)

I WILL call my mom more. (Great – when? Can you put it on your calendar for each Wednesday?)

I WON’T call my mom more. (I’ve evaluated this idea and decided I’m really comfortable with how often I call home. I’m going to let go of the guilt around this and stick with things as they are knowing I’ve thought through it and come to a solid decision.)

1. I want to get a job at an advertising agency, but I haven’t worked at one and I don’t know everything I need to know.
2. I am going to reach out to people who work at advertising agencies and read the right info to get on track to get a job at an ad agency!

1. Why do I feel guilty?
Because I’ve bought a domain, a logo and access to an email newsletter platform and it’s taking up server space doing nothing. I’m deducted every month for the platform and I’m just wasting money at the moment. It makes me feel sick when I add up how much I’ve spent doing nothing with it.

2. Why haven’t I launched the website yet?
Because it’s not ready yet and I don’t have enough content.

3. Why don’t I have enough content?
Because I haven’t been making it.

4. Why haven’t I been making content?
Because I’m tired after work and I just want to relax on weekends and I don’t feel like I know enough about it to be teaching it yet anyway.

5. Why am I tired and why don’t I think I know more than the beginners I’d be teaching?
I’m too tired because I go to bed too late, wake up too late and don’t exercise. I feel like I know less than beginners because I don’t create enough or practice what I teach others enough.

6. Why do I go to bed late and why don’t I create more?
I go to bed late because I wake up late. I go to bed late because I want to prolong the illusion in my own mind that I’m busy working. I go to bed late because I feel guilty every night as I go to bed knowing I haven’t done anything towards what I really want to do and I don’t know why I’m self sabotaging so much. I don’t create enough because I don’t feel like I’m good enough or that I’m creative enough. I compare myself and my work to other’s work despite not knowing everything that went on behind that work.

1) *wake up at 4:50am 10 minutes before alarm is scheduled. Ugh, look at you up and sick to your stomach with stress/anxiety. The day is already ruined, you’re going to be exhausted, not work out, and work will be so overwhelming and you will fail.

2) Deep breathing and sitting with water/coffee- you’re excited to work out, so do the work out and go from there. You have your list of MITs for the day, so start from that when you get to work. One step at a time, it’s only 5:00am and you have a whole day ahead of you to co-create!

Here’s a simple trick for defeating negative self-talk: when you start psyching yourself out, remind yourself how many of your potential competitors have removed themselves from the field with that same self-talk. As in: “Start a consulting business? Why bother…there are tons of other people who want to do it…except wait, most of them aren;t even trying because they talked themselves out of it like I almost did there. So…most of the competition did me the favor of getting out of my way. Sweet.” Obviously this might not work for things that aren’t competitions, like weight loss, but it’s great for anything where other people are setting the bar for you, like business.

Negative talk- I can’t start a tech company because I am non-tech guy.
Positive one- Isn’t an entrepreneur someone who would smash all the common
mantra and change the status quo? If no one say you can, why don’t be the first?After all, there were people who already did it quite brilliantly. Use Resourcefulness. Learn all the tech stuff, I have a lot of time as a 20 something.

Negative- It’s hard to stay on a good weight loss diet.
Positive- It’s harder to keep an unhealthy life with extra pounds( imagine having hard time choosing shirts, dough!!)

Negative- I shouldn’t try to connect with top People and reach out for their helps and experiences because why would they help me, I’m a nobody.
Positive- Never Gonna know If never gonna try. They are still human. Many started as a nobody as well.

Yeah, I did one this morning. Went to jogging track, found out I got the wrong shoe. I went back home, almost giving up bcause it’s late already and more people are there at the track(embarrassed to jog very slow with extra pounds), but decided to tell myself, “stop overthinking, and just do it”, and I did it, finished my 3 rounds jog plus 2 brisk walk. Huh!

Here are a few of my scripts and how I can translate them into positive action!

1. Arrgh (cuss word) I don’t believe it, I cant lose weight, I hate this scale – and then I stomp and kick it hard!

It’s ok man! Everybody hits a plateau now and then, maybe we should just try to maintain the weight and focus on drinking more water, eating more protein, or having 1 less junk food.

2. I hate people
I only hate their faults, but these faults are not them, they are only the person’s baggage!

3. I must finish all the food. Wastage is awful and I cant stand wasting food!!!
Better to waste food than to have it go to my waist!

4. Argh, I cant do this assignment, it is too hard and I don’t know if I did it right! I am so bad at doing these very difficult exercises where I need to plan or do things that I need to succeed….OR to answer questions like what does G-d expect from me? OR What would you do if you were Cliff and you were faced with a very difficult problem?

G-d only expects me to do whatever I need to do to get through this current situation properly within His parameters

5. I hate games like chess because they make me feel stupid coz I cant win at them, and I don’t feel ‘intelligent enough’ to play them

Chess and these IQ things are NOT an indication of my intelligence. Yes, you need intelligence to play chess, however you also must 1) be interested in it and 2) practice the game constantly. If I don’t want to do either of these, I wont be good at chess despite my intelligence!

“It feels like everyone is moving their lives forward but me. I’m not achieving anything.”

Solution: “Focusing on other’s lives doesn’t help your own. It’s okay to feel stagnant every now and then. Slow, steady progress leads to success. Ask the ‘Why’ questions again and find out what’s important.”

1. If you work towards that goal today you’ll be using valuable energy reserves that you might need tomorrow if you get sick. How will you cook and eat enough healthy food to stay functional if you use all your energy today on that novel writing you want to do?

2. You know what was making you sick and you’ve eliminated it from your life. You spent several hours writing beautiful emails to friends and strangers yesterday and you’re fine today. What if you spent just half an hour writing your novel today. Even if you are sick and exhausted tomorrow half an hour today will at worst make cooking hard, but not impossible and you can always get one healthy take out meal if you need to. And you know how happy you feel after getting into a ‘flow’ state and working towards something you care about.

1. I’m not the kind of person who can learn a foreign language. I’ll never come to grips with the subject as long as I live.

2. A foreign language is not impossible to learn. A lot of my friends speak more than one language. I’m going to spend the next several months teaching myself how to speak and write Japanese, and as a way to motivate myself to do so I will plan a trip to Japan in the summer.

[…] I’ve been building these systems year after year — to earn more, find a dream job, improve social skills, become more focused — and I want to give them to you so you can live a rich life. This year, we’ll improve ourselves from the inside out (including yesterday, where we learned the psychological frameworks to stop feeling guilty). […]

1. I can’t finish a single thing I set out to do. I’m interested in too many things and end up not doing/finishing a single one. I won’t ever complete a single thing I set out to do.

2. I’m lucky that so many things interest me. I need to sit down and think about the following: which things make me happy, things I do for other people, things I genuinely want to try, things that I know I don’t want to do. I need to set a huge goal to finish one of the thing I set out to do that will truly benefit me.

negative: finding my next job/company is so hard… too hard. look how last year turned out – you worked your way into a new role you’re not sure you even want to do. now you have to keep looking, while you step into a new role/responsibilities. too hard! too stressful! i’m afraid i’ll find myself in the same place this time next year.

positive: i spent a good part of last year working my way to a new role that does accomplish some of the goals i was working towards and along the way learned a lot about what i do/don’t want from my job/manager/company. i can take all that and keep moving another step forward. it’s okay for some changes to happen slowly. keep taking small steps. don’t give up.

Negative:
“You’ll never be able to improve your memory, you’ll spend your life asking the people you know for their names every other day, and there’s nothing training or food can do…”

Positive:

So what If I struggle to recall names, and most of my past is obscured by the a black mist, Haven’t I already made some progress? I can’t remember the names of childhood friends, but I remember those of people I haven’t seen for 2 years !! I’m sure a bit of rearranging of my diet ( more brain foods, etc.), a more stable sleep schedule and some brain training ( Hell, there’s so many sudoku-like games I’ve discovered I’m surprised we don’t see more of them in magazines!)

That sounds about right for my re-motivational speech for myself, though I’ll improve on the next one.
For anyone interested in training their brain, this site has free samples every day of various logic-games, math based or not, and their bonus section has a dozen or so free programs for windows ( but they work fine for Ubuntu through Wine most of the time too!) : http://www.conceptispuzzles.com

I’m really excited that you’re focusing on mastery this year – I am someone who wants to do everything, and I know that I frustrate myself by not dedicating the time to get good at really one thing, I just jump from one thing to another decide I’m bored. It’s no wonder why I’m frustrated that at 30 I’m not where I thought I might be. As well as reading your blog I’ve picked up the 12 week year by Brian P.Morgan and set some time aside to think about what I want to achieve long term.

Last year I used your advice on CV & resume to land myself a great job with the salary I was looking for and in the location I wanted to live in plus as a bonus they covered most of the moving costs to move from somewhere I was miserable to a city I love!

The first thing I really need to do is develop my palate and get better with flavours so I had a quick google of things I could do to get me started. First step concentrate on eating (i.e. get off the sofa in front of the TV and sit at the dining table)

Negative: My other half will refuse to do that before the flat is sorted. The dining table is surrounded by boxes because the carpets need redoing and I’d be making him sit somewhere depressing just so I can achieve my dreams. Why should he have a horrible experience every evening just because I want to do something. I’m really selfish.

Positive: So what if there are boxes? It’s not about the boxes. It’s about having a nice dinner experience – which is about people and food. It would give us a chance to catch up with each other and chat without the TV interrupting and would be nice for both of us. As a bonus I could also start to learn more about the textures and flavours of food to help me achieve my goal.

I do that a LOT – I don’t do things because I think it’s selfish and I’m always thinking about the impact my actions have on other people. But I’m pretty sure most of the time the people involved aren’t as inconvenienced/affected as I think they’re going to be. It’s not like I’m the centre of their universe! And it’s stopping me doing things I want to do… which could always end up being good for other people anyway!!!

My negative self talk (which I came up with yesterday in the Ambition post)
1. I’m not capable of this. (exercising, eating right, my music, my business etc)
2. I can’t improve my body without relapsing into unhealthy brain habits and being unhappy.
3. I’m going to end up injured/I’m going to fail/I’m wasting money.

Positive:
1. No one is perfect at this right from the start. I’m going to start and work my way up and if I make mistakes, it’s because I’m human.
2. It might be a slow process, but I can take tiny little steps towards the ideal life and body I want – and if I need to stay at the same step for ages to ensure my self-love and self-care, that’s okay.
3. There might be setbacks, but when I look back in a year, if I don’t just do it anyway, I’m going to wish I’d taken some action instead of being afraid.

I’m already unapologetically awesome in my professional life (consistently reaffirmed by my coworkers and superiors), and that’s a process that started, first, by owning my mistakes and not letting them cause me to hide and shy and just addressing them matter-of-factly and moving on. It’s a part of what you’re talking about here, it started a couple years into my career, and there was more growth that needed to happen between then and now, but it couldn’t have started without that.

I still struggle personally with my diet and exercise, and otherwise being as effective out of the office as I am in it. I mask it by hiding my guilt behind competing desires. “I want this unhealthy food”, “I want to relax for a bit after coming home and putting the kids to bed”, “I want to finish this thing before I go to bed, but I want to get enough sleep so it’s not a good idea to get up and exercise”… Etc. Everything is put in positive terms in my head, but the end result is the same. To be clear, I’ve had success in the past, building habits and once it’s a habit is easy… But I let my guard down on consciously making the right choices, and then broken habits stay broken.

So, my contribution here is to maybe say I’m getting up to go exercise no matter how much sleep I get, even if it sucks *today* it’s the right choice. No matter what I ate yesterday, today in going to pick something healthy and not eat to much of it, because I don’t have to just be doing all the right things or all the wrong things, it’s a choice every time, and a victory every time I make the right one.

1. “I’ll never be able to stand up for myself in the workplace.”
2. “I will be able to convince my bosses that setting boundaries between work and outside-of-work is the productive to do, to come back refreshed on Mondays for another week of productive work.”

A1 (not the steak sauce): “I can’t be a fitness coach. I wasn’t even athletic as a kid and I’m still not where I want to be. Why would anyone come to me? I can’t even get there myself yet.” (Double whammy! My mind says I can’t coach AND I can’t succeed in deadlifting 2x my bodyweight!)

A2: “I really want to be a successful blogger, but I’m a dork. What would I write? Who would read it? What if no one likes me?”

…will now become these:

B1: “Because I’ve been on my own journey to fitness and strength, I can uniquely help others who struggle with the same journey. And you WILL get there. Look at how far you have come on your own in the past year! What can I do today to take the next step towards helping others?”

B2: “Everyone has to start somewhere, and my family and friends have liked reading my personal blog. There are a lot of great resources out there. Let’s jump in and try it — what’s the worst that could happen? You’ll learn a lot from the experience either way.”

Whoa. I actually feel 10x better about myself. Negative me thinks that the B’s sound cheesy, but the rest of me is cheering on this positive point of view.

1. Of course I’m capable of marketing my app, but why didn’t I do it 3 years ago? If I had started earlier, I’d be much more successful by now. Now that I’ve waited, what is the point of starting at all?..If only my mom hadn’t held me back from that advanced math class in 8th grade, I’d have created the next facebook by now.

2. I am choosing to market my app in order to build my skills. This will help me professionally no matter how successful the app is. I know that small successes lead to bigger successes. No matter what profits come from my app, I will learn an amazing amount of new information and meet a ton of new interesting people. Why wouldn’t I do this just for fun?

“You have no ACTUAL experience doing this job, why would they even consider calling you for an interview? And my resume sucks, I’m too literal and I can’t morally consider jazzing it up so it contains key words….that’s kind of like lying.”

A better way to think – “I know I can do this job I’m interested in, what’s the worst that happens if you do get called for an interview? You get a chance to meet some interesting people, improve your interview skills and you get the opportunity to make your resume more relevant to today’s job market, and verbally explain your skill set.”

I wrote down what made me feel guilty and did the ‘why’ experiment. It was eye-opening. I realized that the reason I didn’t get someone to manage my money was because I thought I could do it and wouldn’t need to waste 1% of my investment to pay him. Why haven’t I done it yet? Because I am waiting to read your (Ramit’s) book. Why haven’t I read it yet? Because it’s on my list of books to read and I haven’t gotten to it. I remembered then, that I had started to listen to the audiobook when I first bought it 3 years ago but I fell behind because I used to listen to it in the car and I couldn’t take the action steps right away. I’d forget what they were by the time my commute was done and then as the book kept going I’d feel more and more guilty that I hadn’t yet done the steps from the prior chapters. Eventually I just stopped rather than bear the discomfort of knowing I was behind.

I don’t know what my solution is yet, and you were right that this actually feels like enough for a day.

I know that it is not easy to do affiliate marketing online, I better stick with selling stuff on ebay.

Everyone struggles with affiliate marketing, people like Pat Flynn, Ramit Sethi, Glen Allsop have struggled with affiliate marketing. I’m not a unique one who can cast a magical spell and commissions will start rolling in my pocket. Even if I didn’t made a commission with posting in forums, social media, blogs etc. I know what doesn’t works. The next time I will try something different.

1. Don’t bother leaving a comment, you’ve never left one before so why start now. You’re already a day behind from when you first read the email and who actually scrolls down to the bottom to read anyway?

Will now become….
So what? What you have to share is just as important as the next guy, and who knows, maybe someone else in the fence about posting a comment and now they will.

2. In regards to starting a 2nd business as a restaurant consultant who revises menus to be more in season, trendy, cost effective, health conscious and appealing to a broader spectrum of people… I already have 2 jobs, when am I going to find the time to start up a 3rd one and make it successful enough to quit the corporate chef job? Why would anyone hire me in the first place? I’ve never even heard of people doing this as a career. Restaurant owners write their menus in the first place why on earth would they want someone going to them to tell them they suck! Especially for people like myself who have special dietary requirements and hates eating out for this very reason. I also suck as a sales person and am too nice.

Will now become…
So what? I know there are many, many poorly written menus out there. As a personal chef, my favorite part is writing the menus! Why not at least try creating my dream job. What’s the worst that can happen? I still have a job and can whole heartedly move on to something else. I really don’t know for a fact that restaurant owners write all their own menus or how they feel about them. I also have a lot of valid reasons why menu revisions will help make them more money! Its possible these owners simply just don’t know how to do what it is they want to do. They need someone to at least open their eyes a little to consider making changes. And I can always learn how to be a better sales person too (which I am in the E1K course).

Looking back, there are a lot of projects I have never finished. I never realized the negative impact my negative self talk was having. Nor did I realize how often I did it. Pretty much for everything.

I’ve always felt like I should call my parents more often. I would oscillate between blaming them and feeling guilty for our distant relationship.

After reading this post and doing the five whys (why’s? whies?) exercise, I’ve come to realize that I don’t call them often because I haven’t learned how to take control of the conversation or of my reactions to things that they say. Or what I could even say to bring them on my side.

Before today, I thought I would be stuck as an angry 15 year old forever when it came to dealing with my parents.

Thanks Ramit!
A example of your own negative self-talk:
I’m never going to lose this week and keep it off, it’s too hard. You’ve already tried and have gained it all back, why try again?

A new, positive perspective on the same challenge:
Every time I make an effort, I learn something new and establishing healthy habits. There are many examples of people that have lost significant amounts of weight and kept it off – even after trying and failing repeatedly. I can do it! I have control.

Most of my negative self talk is due to my depression, which I’ve battled for most of my life.

Despite my negative self talk, my partner and I published 67 books (ranging from 3k words to 103k words) last year, found a group of authors who are amazing and supportive and immensely successful who are rooting for our success (seriously, that was a few of their New Years wishes was to see my partner and I find success), and made a lot of incredibly positive changes in my life regarding my diet and food choices.

I’ve gotten better at graphic design by designing all of our covers, I’ve put together two book trailers (despite not knowing how to make a movie before trying), gotten over 700 people on our mailing list and many who are true, amazing fans.

We did public speaking at a local sex expo – where I read our erotica aloud to a crowd of about 30 people, and talked about fetishes and writing erotica.

I’ve also learned skills valuable to my day job, including growing my job description to include facilitation and chairing meetings, and am invaluable to my boss and company.

Right now, my biggest fear is becoming incredibly successful and having to make the choice between my day job and my writing career.

Now, there is a purpose to saying all that, because I wanted to explain how incredibly, amazingly good things are for me right now. How despite the constant negative self talk, I’ve managed to do all this. I hated myself almost every day last year. I hated everything about myself, about how lazy I was, about how I was no good, about how screwed up I am.

And I don’t want to go through that again this year, because I think that if I can do all that with the gremlin on my shoulder, that I should be able to achieve so much more without it.

So for the moment, I’m going to revel in my amazingness. I have a wide range of skills and talents. I’m driven and passionate and can self-teach myself almost anything. I’m a wonderful writer and I get actual fanmail (which still has me making this face o_O). I’m strong, and fit, and I have good will power.

2014 is going to be an amazing year, and I’m not going to give up doing things that make me happy. I’m not going to let myself get despondent and scared of failing. I’m not going to overwork myself.

I’m going to learn to work smarter, and I’m going to work on learning more about web marketing (if anyone can help with SEO and marketing adult content, let me know).

And I think, most importantly, I’m going to teach myself that my opinion – my actual opinion, not my self doubts and negativity – matters just as much as anyone else’s if not more.

Guilt: I should have done my balance sheet months ago. So lazy.
Why: not sure how to do it. Downloaded software but not sure what I am doing. Don’t feel like bothering.
Abundance: I am a new business owner and many struggle with this. What if I buy a book on Quick ooks so that I understand what I am doing? If I can’t manage to get going with a book, I wi call my accountant and have him set it up to get it going.

“Last night I stayed up working on a project for a meeting this morning I had confirmed with the client Sunday (I confirmed 4 days earlier than my usual 24 hours). I went to the meeting as scheduled and the guy didn’t show! I came home really dejected. I spent about 15 minutes whining, “What’s the point? This is so hard! How am I supposed to get everything done and then people do this and not feel bad about it?!?”

Then I thought to myself, “How does this experience change the quality of the work you do? Are you going to let this little setback stop you (because he’s just one lead out of many)? Are you going to be professional, follow up and move forward without “begging” for his business or waiting for him to make a decision (Because his waffling is taking time from your business)? Remember your theme for the year [I got making a yearly theme from you] “LOOKING UP- MOVING FORWARD!”

Seems to me if I’m really serious about both of our themes, than this guy is a non-entity! I’m going to have a “Year of Unapologetic Mastery”by “Looking Up and Moving Forward!”

Negative
1. My boss doesn’t like me. My manager hates me. I’m so unproductive at work that all my colleagues look down on me. My work is never good enough and doesn’t produce useful content. I

Positive
2. If I continue to put in the effort, something MIGHT come out of it. But it’ll be a learning experience for me as well as my colleagues. My boss doesn’t hate me. My manager doesn’t hate me. Why would they and they haven’t shown any signs that they do.

I’m a photographer, and I often say I’m better on that side of the camera, because “The camera hates me.” I rarely see photos of myself that I like, I untag them instantly on Facebook. It doesn’t do much for my self-image, although I do care for my appearance, and I think I look good in the mirror, but I see photos and think otherwise. So a creative project for this year is to attempt at least one self-portrait a month, maybe I’ll get at least ONE that I like!

1. I’m damaged. I’m not smart or capable enough to be as successful as I dream of being.
2. I’m a human being with many gifts and many flaws, just like everyone else. How can I leverage my gifts to be as successful as I dream of being?

I always use the lines “I don’t have the money” or “…that is so expensive”. It’s like I constantly tell myself that I don’t have money and that just makes me negative. Marie Forleo mentioned in one of her posts that when you pay for things to use a phrase like “…there’s a lot more where that came from”. I want to change that negative perception about money and how I perceive my finances.

1. Before exercise: “UGH. Why even bother? All those people on the street are just going to judge you. You’re too fat and useless and lazy. Omg you suck. Go kill yourself.”

I try to replace this with “It’s not that bad. You’ve done this before. If you’re afraid of what others will say, go exercise somewhere there are less people! You’re not lazy. You’re weak now, but you WILL be strong.”

1. “Yeah yeah, you have all these big dreams and ideas, but you’ll never be focussed enough to get them done”. “You SAY you want to exercise 5 times a week but, when you’re not training for a marathon, when have you ever done that? Your life always gets in the way!”

2. “What if I try and knuckle down. Remember that it’s a CHOICE and I can focus. And use selfcontrolapp.com to lock myself out of social media for most of the day?” “I’m human. I’ll feel resistance. But I’d LIKE to exercise that often. And I’m lucky that I GET to. Because I love it when I’m doing it.”

Negative self talk: “No one’s going to buy it. I don’t have the money for paid advertisements. Where is the traffic going to come from? If I ask other sites for help, what if they say no?”

Positive: “You know… maybe it will work and maybe it won’t. But these fears and concerns are normal — everyone who starts a business has thought about it. It’s perfectly normal. Now, let’s take educated risks, think things through, and act. If it fails, I’ll learn sooo much so I can be prepared the next time. And if it succeeds…?”

An example of negative self talk occurs sometimes when I think about challenges that I need help with, for example building new habits. I might find myself stuck on a particular instructor for a while when I know there are others out there. The problem is I view this testing negatively so I’m not getting the most from the experience because I feel like I’m missing out on something. What I’m missing out on likely doesn’t exist, but I do want to focus on the best possible material.

To solve this I’m working on adjusting my expectations of testing and keeping why I am testing in focus.

A new, positive perspective on the same challenge

The positive perspective I have gained on building new habits by building them one at a time has come from the confidence established in a solid foundation. Building new habits one at a time has helped me better test and understand what works verses where I’m ineffectively spending time and energy.

Yes I do this EVERY day! About more than one issue but I was actually just thinking I need to exercise more and I won’t stick to the diet I’m on. In fact I’m scared to even say I’m actually doing well on my diet because I feel like that will jinx it and I will give up “like I always do”. Instead I’m going enjoy the progress i am making and recognize that this time I have a plan, realistic expectations, and accept that I’m human and will splurge but that I can just keep going forward and I will get there. I can DO this.

I’m scared to move to Greece because I have a successful business in the UK. Although I have the start of a business in Greece, and go there to work for 2 x 6 week blocks every year, I am afraid of losing my customers in the UK, and not getting enough business in Greece to pay for me to live there in the same comfort I have here. I fear the loss of my existing kudos and success. Self talk – I am such a scaredy, what if it all goes wrong and i end up losing the business here and having nothing to come back to? What if I can’t make enough money in the current greek economy?
Positive decision- I have until the end of this year to make the business in the UK so robust that it earns me money whilst I am away for longer periods, and so that it can partially fund the Greek adventure whilst I build the business over there to be as successful as the one here. By this time next year, I will be in Greece.
Wish me luck!!

I am preparing a voice recital, for me, a huge undertaking. Instead of, “I’m not singing (or pronouncing) that right,” I’m changing it to, “I need to drill that,” writing it down, and then in my next practice session, working my way through the list. It does get results! But it does start with changing negative self-talk to positive.

[…] Useful thoughts here on change negative, guilt-based self-talk. “See, guilt is the first sign that something’s wrong. But most people stop there. ‘I feel guilty’ is not the end, but the beginning of taking action.” (I Will Teach You To Be Rich) […]

Ur blog is an antidote itself to my negative feelings. I am a single mom ..a doctor..on the verge of finishing my training. I am constantly worried about my precarious life. I am looking for jobs…have gotten socially awkward due to time restraints…as I find it easier not spendi ng time talking to friends..rather than finishing my assignments and teaching my child.

I feel lonely..but u know the Indian woman mentality..difficult accept or even look for another man…

I need the help of my surrogate Indian father…to help me out of negativity…tell me what I should do to improve..Help!!!!

1. I was not made to be an engineer. I forced myself to do math my whole life, and I am not infatuated with numbers. It takes me 10 times as long to finish the same task as some of the men I work with. I am so inexperienced. I am much happier when I am making music, but I can’t make a job out of that. Because I am a girl, it is harder for me to be an engineer. I was always so frustrated when I feel that I didn’t know something as a child, and I am constantly frustrated at work, and when I am frustrated, I come across as intense and angry. I do not have the personality to keep it cool when my whole job has me walking the line between knowing something and not knowing it.

2. I just graduated. As I work for 9 hours a day, I can get more experience everyday. I am always learning something new. I work in consumer audio electronics, so I helping to make music happen all around me, while having the opportunity to work with the latest tools most musicians do not have access to. I work with tons of musicians, who are willing to get together on the weekends and play music together. I can make this lifestyle work for me, as long as I stay positive and polite at work, and not allow myself to become frustrated, there will be time for play. I will be sure not to allow my work to consume all of my time, because I want to use my free time to practice with my band. However, I need to work at least 40 hours a week to pay my bills so I can live comfortably and afford music equipment. I will try to figure out how I can contribute to my department using my skills of documenting and my love for teaching others. I do not need to be good at the same things as my colleagues to contribute, I need to find what they are lacking and bring that to the table. I know I can be good at making documents and tutorial walkthroughs, and I am starting to learn my way around the chip I am validating after only 3 months. There are other female engineers that have been working here for a long time, and are a crucial part of the team, but they contribute in very different ways than the men. I will try to remain as calm as possible at work, and I will not feel guilty when I get something wrong or when I am not confident about my knowledge in an area. I will use those situations as tests and opportunities to learn.

1) I will never be socially active because I am so reluctant and awkward, so leave it – its something natural and hence I cannot EVER be better at it.
Positive: Yes I am a bit lame at it, but I can atleast try testing one thing per week with my colleagues who are more ‘natural’ at it!

2) This DJ course I joined last year – I will never finish it because I am so lame and procastinate all the time.
Positve: I am going to give it one hour per week (Sundays – 10am-11am) and have an accountability partner at RBT to ensure I do make progress!

3) I am never going to be a regular excercise geek, hence I am never going to walk/run regularly – so why keep trying and getting lost!
Positive: Starting from yesterday – I am going to walk/run for 5KMs/week for 4 weeks. Once achieved I will jack it up accordingly. That 5KM walk could be in two days or four.

Hello! I’m from Spain and i started today reading your blog and I love it. I apologize and i feel guilty when i want to do some exercise. I usually say that the people is going to do jokes about me, and that kinds of things. I’m going to try to do some running exercise and to prove me that the people don’t talk as much i think about me and that i can do anything despite the opinions of people.

I am always talking negatively to myself. The biggest thing is about being unmotivated whether it’s not going to the gym or not doing enough to get my website updated, networking for my business, etc. I always feel I’m lazy or get sucked I to TV. Sometimes I even tell myself, “I’m not going to feel guilty today. I need a day to just watch movies, everyone does once in a while.”
But what I really need to is to apply my feelings of guilt and inaction into action. Ramit, for me, I believe this is learned behavior. My parents are famous for complaining, blaming others and doing nothing to change their lives or situation. This is a bad example to grow up with. Thank you for being my surrogate Asian father.
I am going to get off the couch and go to the gym. And the next time I start talking myself out of going to a networking meeting, I will drill down into why I feel I should go, what is stopping me and why; then try to change that into an action of signing up and going to the next meeting.
Thank you.

I’m guilty of saying “I can’t afford that, I’m poor.” The problem with this is it makes me feel defeated and unmotivated to take action towards earning more.

I’m trying to reframe it as, “I’m choosing not to spend my money on that at this time.” Which is true. As an American who lives fairly comfortably I’m not poor. If I really want something I figure it out. Poor is the people who I buy chickens from Heifer for. Poor is not having any shoes. I have a foyey full of shoes. Come to think of it, I have a private foyey!

So the benefit of re-framing this is that it leaves me grateful for the things I have, a cozy home with a foyey full of functional and fashionable shoes, and motivated to go earn more so I can find myself saying “yes” more often then “not now”

[…] I subscribe to and apply the life and finance techniques prescribed by Ramit Sethi. Last week, he posted an article that just smacked me in the face. Really hard. Funnily, it had nothing to do with […]

1. Mum and Dad are rednecks and so are the relatives. I will get kicked out of the family for being with a black is now: They stay stupid things now and then and it is a reflection of the time they grew up in however even they have admired different qualities in individuals they know from other cultures. I have to get boyfriend to meet parents and present him as conservative, nice and similarly human to them and as career minded and a good prospect for me. I want this to happen by Easter.
2. There is no way a social science major will get a job abroad: I have rebranded from failed journo/admin worker to communications officer and can look for marketing and comms opp abroad. I have had a phone interview in the past so I would not get a call unless my skills were in the vicinity of what they were after. I will initially look for jobs abroad with an NGO or gov afiliated organisation that is afiliated with my country so my family will have a point of reference there and feel a little more secure in my choice.
3. Writing a book is a waste as barely anyone makes money: I am writing a book as it is something I have always wanted to do. In fact, I have already written a book so can write another one that is more targeted. I will not tell my friends about my book. I will keep it to my online writers group which is more supportive than my in person writers group. My friends aren’t the target audience anyway.
4. I am a gonna, dreamer and just a secretary really. Besides political science and media majors don’t make money: I won’t tell anyone about my freelance business or Earn 1k, just the boyfriend who is encouraging. In fact, I will just set up it as a fun trial to find three clients, not a business, just to experiment.
5. My career seems to be going nowhere, why didn’t I do engineering? Is the world so against social science related people? Why did I follow my passion and dreams? Now, forget the career: I will create specific projects to complete for a portfolio to actually get a body of work together, see if I enjoy it enough to do as a job, and put something out there for market to give feedback. Additionally, I aim to upgrade my skills further by undertaking a diploma or masters but in the second half of the year after I have my folio updated. I have tested short courses in web design to see how it complements my comms background or would lead to new direction. I will test web design by completing 10 websites for fun for friends and charity.
6. I am a loser and as I’ve moved back with parents to save for property, can’t say it is my own achievement – to well, look, shit happens. You took a risk, you made some bad investments, and the relationship was what it was at the time. It was smart to get on top of the debt, regroup, and actually get some stability behind. And this period is nearly over anyway. You have still made the effort yourself to save some money, and cut your social life for this period. Besides those calling you a loser – are they the sort of people you want a life like? How do they speak to themselves.
7. My job is horrible – I am going nowhere and the colleagues are fat and boring and horrid – change to: I aim to keep up swimming at lunch time or in the mornings as the exercise and breathing change seems to cancel any prior negativity or stress, or at least significantly reduce it. Also whilst swimming, I can practice my thought modifications. Then I come into office on Reset.
8. WHat am I doing with my life? Am I crazy? To no, you are just in a temporary stage that is nearly over. the hard work, boringness and discipline will set you up for next phase. Focus clearly, you know the first aim is to get $15K. I will go back to morning pages where I can write out the crap in my head and restructure it. Especially for this tight money few months. Complete awareness of intention for the day really helps me stay focused.
9. I am fat and ugly and boyfriend may dump me: to hey, we are all human, boyfriend loves me and respects my brain and thinks my figure is great. Besides, sometimes I get off track but will get back on. I will have a tick list of fruit and veg as I know eating crap makes my mind in a darker place and I stay clearer headed and sharp on the health stuff.
10. I need to move out and away from the city I am in and run. The environment is not gelling with me and most people here think I am very old to be unmarried, not a high flyer or home owner etc… and most of my interests are not things on their radar at all. Change this to: Hey, it is happening but let’s make the sacrifice of living here worthwhile. So you have no friends, it’s been great to take a break from extensive social life in past to get clear, do Ramit’s courses and a few other courses. So, I don’t feel proud of where I am. That is okay, it is temporary and when i leave here, I am going somewhere great. Now, no need to be reckless, just implement a plan to get out of here:. My plan is to sell half my stuff by end of February, get money by this date too and apply for jobs in another area. (search jobs every second day for 15 mins). This is achievable.

Positive self talk: Do you have a CHOICE? What’s gonna happen if you don’t try again? You’re just gonna waste your life away masturbating and playing video games. FUCK THAT SHIT. This time it’s different. You had back pain and couldn’t get up for a couple days. Fine YOU CAN GET UP NOW. THIS TIME IT’S DIFFERENT.

Bought your book and this is what made the difference. Watching the ebb and flow of money in my automated bill pay has made me pay attention to increminates of change. Even five and ten dollars added to a bill on a weekly basis makes for huge results. Success is contagious and I uses this application in buying food; organizing my kitchen, smoothing out my daily schedule.. And now on to loosing weight and fine tuning my business. You have introduced to a mind set and a program for growth. Thank you Mr.Seti

This post hit at the perfect time for me – with the New Years (and new stresses) rolling in, I’ve found myself unwittingly feeling guilty about a lot of things I ‘should’ be doing. The concept of simply accepting guilt, and using it as a springboard to actually take action is so simple it’s almost like saying, “if I want to run 3 miles, I’ll start with 1/2 a mile and work up to it.” Duh.

But until someone actually phrases it that way, it’s far too easy to get stuck in a crippling all-or-nothing mindset. Thanks for the uncommon sense.

[…] I read a blog post by Remit Sethi (the “I will teach you to be rich” guy) called “How to stop feeling guilty” and a lot of what he says definitely applies to voice actors. Just about every day, I get […]

1. I should breakup with my partner who is insecure, possessive, controlling, and disrespectful during fights. But I don’t, because I don’t want to, because the good things are good too. I’m afraid of the pain of breaking up, the uncertainty that this is REALLY the right choice, and the fear that maybe I jump from relationship to relationship without really giving them a chance (endangering my chances of getting married to a great person as I age). I’m also afraid of not having anything else going on in my life afterwards. Also, I don’t know when to do it, or even how to start talking about it (knowing he’s going to fight me on this one).

2. I want to be with someone who can really love and accept me as I am – and actually, can love and accept HIMSELF too. I can brainstorm 3 dates and public places to bring it up with a script that scenario-plans for ANY of his arguments. I can brainstorm 10 FUN things to do after the breakup to keep myself busy. I can view myself as attractive, at any age (especially in today’s society). I can take what I learned from this relationship and apply them to future relationships to get a relationship I’d really want. It’s not jumping, it’s learning.

I am extremely impressed with your writing skills
and also with the layout on ypur blog. Is thks a pawid theme or
did you modify it yourself? Either wway keep up the nice quality writing, itt is rare to
see a great blog like this one thwse days.

I really like your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you
make this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you?
Plz answer back as I’m looking to construct my own blog and
would like to know where u got this from. cheers

About Ramit Sethi

Ramit Sethi is the author of the New York Times bestseller, I Will Teach You To Be Rich. He writes about psychology, entrepreneurship, careers and personal finance for over 750,000 monthly readers on his website.