Finding my Tiara

Starting tonight, I need to forget what’s gone and look forward to what’s coming next. I got the sense that I should leave you alone, but we both know that I’m not that strong. I was praying that you and I might end up together. Forever. I know that life is not always filled with rainbows and butterflies. It’s really a compromise that moves us along. I have thought that one day, I would be walking down my lonely road and then at last my love has come along. My lonely days would be over. I belong with you, you belong with me. You’re my sweetheart. You can be my glass of whiskey that I feel I need a shot of everyday, I’ll be your shot of rum.

Just because we don’t talk for two hours every day, doesn’t mean I don’t think about you all the time. For how empty my head feels most of the time, anything that wanders aimlessly throughout it is very lucky. Don’t worry too much about how much I think of you. Don’t be held down by what you can’t control. I can’t help that my heart seems to swing back and forth between the need for a routine and the urge to run, though. Perhaps it’s that we live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police. The world today chooses what is more important. Maybe we do both need to live and let go. There is always a person who wants to see you fail just so they can pick you up to mend your heart.

How does a person look at someone they love and tell themselves to walk away? One of the hardest things to do in life is letting go of what you thought was real. Every time I say “I’m done” I find myself wanting to try again. I miss you. I can’t call you because it would only hurt me. I need to forget all of the reasons why I think we won’t work and believe the one reason why we will. I need to believe the one reason why, which I still have yet to figure out.

Do you know that feeling you get when your heart is broken? It’s like all of the butterflies just, died. This is what happened when you decided that for us, that you can’t take any more steps toward me. You have lost your love for me. Apparently we’re just going to continue to go around and around and around. You do know that I feel like I can’t live without you, though? You just walked away. You are my first love. I can’t believe this is happening to me. How can you just do this? Nonetheless, how can I have done it to you so many times? We must remember, I always came back. This time, will you? And will I take you?

I have been thinking we were reaching our final path in the most confusing piece in my life’s puzzle. I have told you so many times that I feel like you’re my lobster. I probably couldn’t even tell you a story that says how much I love you. You wouldn’t believe me. Maybe if I stood outside your bedroom window, holding a glittery sign with big bold letters shouting to the world how much I love you, you’d believe me. That would be a more easy way to get me.

One of the most difficult tasks in my life is removing you from my heart. I feel like I am just discovering this. My head says, “Who cares?” But then my heart is whispering, “You do, stupid.” Because I do, and I don’t want to. I know that every time I say that I am finished, I will just find myself trying again.

I know I really love you, because I cannot hate you for breaking my heart. I feel that you are my one true love and I can never let you go, no matter how hard things get. I hope that one day I will pop into your head and you will think, “I shouldn’t have let her go.”

But I will wipe my tears, blow my nose, and pick up my tiara. I am my own princess.