A big thank you to our dear blogging friend, Mel. Our talking about the potential benefits of a dedicated chat room, prompted Mel to go on the search and she has located several sites. None though have a room specifically dedicated to the terminally ill. I sent an email site hosts and hopefully we can get the ball rolling.

Had planned a big post asking favourite things random acts of kindness,but I am just not feeling so spry. That will have to wait until tomorrow. I do though ask any that may read this to look to the top of this page just before the text begins. There spread across the page you will will see the titles of other pages I have created as part of the blog. Please check them out.

Yesterday, I got most of the way through my fantasy bucket list before I ran out of oomph. maybe that is for the best as these are the ones that are most important to me or closest to my heart.

Set up a chat room dedicated to those that are terminally ill . I have written of how knowing you are dying can bring about feeling of terrible loneliness. Now this does not in anyway reflect on the wonderful, loving support provided by our care givers, God bless every one of them. It is just no matter how hard they yet may try it is impossible to relate to, to understand what that patient is going through mentally and emotionally. You have to be in that position to really understand what it is like.

I think I can best illustrate my point by reminding all of Meg. Meg was a lady in Scotland that I met here through the blog. She graced us with a few comments plus we exchanged emails and even chatted via Skype.

Meg knew her time was short. Cancer had spread through her body, she was end stage and wracked with pain. She was taking major pain medications which while easing the pain often put her to sleep. Her sleep patterns were determined by the timing of the medications. This often resulted in her being awake at 2 or 3 in the morning at which time naturally all others were asleep. She would face that terrible loneliness. She mentioned many times of how wonderful it would be to have a chat room. A chat room dedicated to those feeling that loneliness. They could share thoughts, feelings, fears be there on a 24 hour basis for each other. It turns out the pain and loneliness was too much to bear and Meg took her own life to end it all

I think such a chat room is a wonderful idea, I just have no idea how to go about it. I did in fact try to set up a chat room along with the blog here but it was of very limited scope and didn’t really work. It seem then that word press even cancelled that option and it no longer exists. I do think this could be a project that could help so many I just really have no idea how to even start. Any suggestions.

Another on my list will be coming tomorrow. For any that may have followed the blog for a while you may even guess what it may be. If you guessed random acts of kindness you are right.

I have long had a bucket list. I have been able to empty it at least twice. I am content with that as I have reached the point where I am struggling to come up with realist wishes to put into it. That leaves me with my fantasy bucket list. Now I have been thinking and realize these items are pretty much beyond my control which is why they are on the fantasy list. I realize though there are a few that I can at least take a shot at it, like nothing ventured nothing gained.

My fantasy bucket list:

1. Regain health and live another 25 years. Well I have to accept that one is beyond my control. I am comfortable knowing that is in the hands of our Heavenly Father, I can still hope.

2. Win the lottery. Now I do know I could help my chances out here by at least buying a ticket now and again.

The next few relate right here to my dear blog. Are they attainable, I don’t know. Are they a stretch, for sure or they wouldn’t be on the fantasy attainable ??????

3.Reach 500,000 hits.

4. Reach the 10,000 comments mark.

5. The annal report sent out by the web site showed in 2012 the blog had been read in 145 different countries. Apparently there are 195 different countries or independent states in the world. How would i reach that other 50 I don’t know but wouldn’t that be fantastic to know it had been read in every country in the world.

6. Have at least one comment left by at least one member of all of the different faiths and religions of the world. Dying is not just a Christian thing, this site is not intended to be strictly a Christian site. I think for this one I would have to be satisfied with someone from the major Faiths.

7. Meet in person for coffee of something at least 10 of you my blogging friends.

Obviously I am going to need a lot of your help with this. Suggestions, thoughts please

I have a double prayer request, please. Both being for members of my own family.

My brother Robin is off work with you guessed it, heart and breathing problems. Following in his big brothers foot steps (sadly) he has also suffered previous heart attacks and the open heart surgery. Breathing has eliminated most physical activity. Further tests are planned. He is struggling, prayers please.

For several years now step son David has known it is but a matter of time and he will require open heart surgery to replace a faulty valve. We have learned that, that time has arrived. He meets with surgeons on Wednesday. Prayers please

I heard a saying a while back. I am not sure where I got it from or due credit would be given. I am not even sure of the exact wording. I just seemed to make so much sense. Not sure of the exact wording but it was some thing like this:

NEVER FEEL YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF

To those that matter, it won’t matter. They will always be there to love and stand by you.

To those that don’t matter, it won’t matter. They are not going to believe it anyway

It seems like a long time since I was here on the blog, too long actually.

This past month or so has been I guess strange by that I simply mean Vi and I can’t seem to get our timing together. We have both been very ill with this cold/flu/chest infection thing. It has been almost like a yoyo. One will start to feel better and the other will be going in the other direction feeling worse and then visa versa.

There have been many times over the years when I have written (even just a week or so ago) of how Vi has dragged me kicking and screaming to the hospital. She is always congratulated for doing so and that is fair enough. OK, Mel and all you out there it is now my turn to be congratulated. This time the shoe is on the other foot, I was the one doing the dragging and pushing. It is a good thing I did, she has pneumonia and a severe ear infection. So now we are both on antibiotics and the end of this all should be in sight.

Feeling much better and will be on line much more. It is just the computer is in the basement and well stairs that go downward are a great idea. It is just when you go down at some point you have to go back up. Stairs that go upward, not so nice.

This past 3 weeks have been tough. Started with just a nasty chest, sinus cold not fun but really no big deal. It evolved though into something even less fun. That i can recall i have never had anything quite like it. Fever and chills seemed to be the order of the day. I call them chills but that really doesn’t describe them. I felt icy cold right down to the depth of my being, internally cold. Vi says my skin was cold to the touch. It was strange, I could be just laying in bed watching TV or reading, I would get one of those big shivers, you know the kind the ones the shake your entire body and then that cold would set in. Heating pad more blankets nothing seemed to make a difference. i just couldn’t seem to warm up. It lasted for a while, must have been 20 or 30 minutes each time. it was kind of amazing, I didn’t just sort of gradually warm up. I would be laying there shivering so hard Vi could feel the bed moving and then it would just stop. It was like the flip of a switch. i went from freezing cold to not even beeing the slightest cool just in a few seconds.

Never actually, used a thermometer, but Vi with the practiced the practiced hand every mother has, would place her hand on my forehead and pronounce me to be fevered up. i give full credit to Vi she was doing her best to care for me (the big baby). Fact of the matter was she had exactly the same thing going on at the same time. We were quite the pair. Endless coughing, the hurting to breath.

This is a nasty virus that is going around. Talking to people it seems almost everyone has had it or knows someone that has. I was going to say we suffered in silence but with all that coughing and sneezing it really wasn’t very silent just waiting to get over this nasty bug. That is until I started getting different chest pains for which I needed the nitro spray. Yes, Mel, my ear lobe is again a little longer, she dragged me to the hospital. Glad she did and I am starting to feel better

Who am I?

I am a 61 year old male. At the age of 52 I was told by my doctor I am dying. For the past 4 years, I have done my best to deal with both congestive heart failure and a brain tumor, while knowing my days are indeed numbered. It is my hope that by sharing my experiences, I can encourage others faced with the same situation. I hope to also help the families of those individuals to have an understanding of the process and deal with the fear or dread of being around the dying.
I am not a doctor, not a man of the clergy, I am not a therapist. I am just me, Bill Howdle, I am merely sharing my thoughts and ideas. I write of death and dying, understand this is my personal prospective, based on what I am encountering.