This Month in Mid-Grade Dog Food is more about paws than hands, in all honesty.

And (epilogue) always deserves a nice hand, though it rarely seems to get it.

Pull up a food.

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BITE. CHEW. MULL.
Machaca!

With a dozen visits averaging 8.14 mustaches, September was a mighty delicious month on the San Francisco taqueria tiles. Best of all, we didn't have to deal with this ridiculous "broasting café" fad sweeping the nation right now. Chicken and coffee, have you heard? It's all chicken and coffee nowadays.

Anyway, quite a month. La Castro piled on the mustaches early one Saturday evening, ratcheting up the third-highest rating among the 380-plus efforts on Burritoeater record. Visits to both El Burrito Express locations in town confirmed that, indeed, those people sure have the widget and know what to do with it back in the kitchen. Formerly maligned civic hotshot Taq. Can-cún proved itself more than worthy for the second time in three months, while our panel returned from a mid-month, pre-Scrum slab-sabbatical to learn all about machaca out at La Laguna on Third St. Finally, newcomer Ethel Mae's nearly waylaid us with a haymaker among breakfast burrito haymakers. Good burritos, good times.

PAPALOTE (Western Addition), 9/2/06, Breakfast (Spanish Omelette): 8.25 mustaches
Our first plunge into Papalote’s AM slab-pool was a brisk, belly-filling dip. What took us so long?

TAQ. EL TACO LOCO (24th St.) (Mission), 9/22/06, Super Carnitas: 7.25 mustaches
A paucity of sauce and spice, as well as an underwhelming cadre of vegetables, saw to this burrito’s relegation to the low-seven ghetto.

ETHEL MAE'S SOUTHERN CAFÉ & TAQ. (Oceanview), 9/24/06, Cajun Breakfast: 8.46 Mustaches
You may not expect a place that deals in candied yams and brisket to have much of a clue about constructing a premier AM burrito. But after indulging in their brilliant, comically outsized Cajun Breakfast slab, we’re onboard Ethel Mae’s soul train.

TAQ. SAN FRANCISCO (Mission), 9/26/06, Super Carne Asada: 8.00 Mustaches
Polite, well-mannered deliciousness such as this is not what made Taq. San Francisco a legend in our panel’s minds. What happened to their nine-mustache sledgehammer?

TAQ. EL GALLO GIRO (Mission), 9/30/06, Super Pollo: 6.92 Mustaches
A number of mid/late bites were unwittingly conscripted into the army of blah.

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DEAR BEANO
Nutcases Next 1/4 Mile

You're traveling through another dimension - a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's a signpost up ahead! Your next stop, the Beano Zone: dearbeano@burritoeater.com

Dear Beano: You’re so fair. You visit your favorites and your bummers with the same approach. I commend you.Dear Apocalypse reader: Well, I got my start as a T-ball umpire, all those years ago. A stint as Chief Arbitrator for Mr. Coffee (the company, not the actual guy), during their glory days, followed. Other stops on my CV: Just Shades, the lampshade organization; Just Bulbs, the lightbulb place; and, Right Tool for the Job, Inc., a "hardware manufacturer" that I later learned was actually a front for something else entirely. Finally, I spent eight years as a Municipal Court judge in Nye county in Nevada, until one day when I showed up for work at the courthouse in Tonopah without any pants on. Whoops. How I got here is kind of a blur. Some say I can be a real jerk, though. It's weird. Such a fine line.

Dear Beano: Should a super burrito contain guacamole or avocado? Because the supers we ordered from La Alteña last night contained neither - apparently by design, not ineptitude.Dear Apocalypse reader: In my world, one or the other should definitely come into play - if not both. I prefer avocado. But the nice thing about ordering your own food? Special requests. That's right, special requests! Don't see avocado (or guacamole) listed on the burrito ingredient menu? Make a special request. Prefer a grilled tortilla at Gordo, rather than a steamed one? Special request. Triple sour cream? You're on your own.

Dear Beano: I know we've discussed you bringing your sophisticated San Francisco palate to the heat of the Sacramento Valley, but I thought I would continue to encourage eventual diversification.Dear Apocalypse reader: Machaca!

Dear Beano: Not to put too fine a point on it, Beano...but you seem like a real jerk.Dear Apocalypse reader: Well, I got my start as a T-ball umpire, all those years ago. A stint as Chief Arbitrator for Mr. Coffee (the company, not the actual guy), during their glory days, followed. Other stops on my CV: Just Shades, the lampshade organization; Just Bulbs, the lightbulb place; and, Right Tool for the Job, Inc., a "hardware manufacturer" that I later learned was actually a front for something else entirely. Finally, I spent eight years as a Municipal Court judge in Nye county in Nevada, until one day when I showed up for work at the courthouse in Tonopah without any pants on. Whoops. How I got here is kind of a blur. And yet, some say I'm so fair. It's weird. Such a fine line.

Dear Beano: Do you have a place called Taco Mexicale, or something similar, on your list? It's at 21st and Treat, a walk-up counter next to their restaurant with an awning. The menu is inside the awning and on the wall at the walk-up counter. Perhaps you’ve already reviewed it and I have the name wrong – quite possible.Dear Apocalypse reader: That's El Cachanilla, best known for their since-dispatched sign that used to read, "We don't have forks," as well as for their one-of-a-kind ojo tacos.

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OBSTINATE USER COMMENTARY
Hawmuhnuh Hawmuhnuh Hawmuhnuh

You, too, can be a cog in the Burriitoeater.com machine. Send your thoughts on San Francisco taquerias to ch@burritoeater.com. If your missive is printed in a future edition of the Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, you could win*.

“While it may not be fancy, I rather enjoy eating at La Carreta Taq. It is always full of customers when I'm there, and they seem happy as clams. While it may be an A- at best burrito, it is a consistent performer. I'd rather have a good burrito 100% of the time, than a great one 70% and a lousy one 30% of the time. But you've only been there once, so you can't appreciate that.”

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"I work in the Bayview and frequent El Azteca Taq. I think it deserves more mustaches than what you have given them."

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“I generally agree with your opinions (although I'm not nearly as high on refried beans as you are...plus, I'm against combining BBQ-y things like pastor with cheesy things like super burritos). But the one burrito that I think is the best in town, you haven't had: the super (minus sour cream) pescado burrito from Papalote. It is so good, it's unbelievable. If it weren't, like, $9.00, I would have it three times a week, instead of only once.”
(Sounds fishy. -Ed.)