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Army of Epiphenomenon

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

In a nation lead by self centered, power-hungry robber-barons, many Americans find it amazing that nearly every member of Congress can work so well together in a calculated effort to deprive the citizenry of the rights guaranteed them by the U.S. Constitution. “The key to their unparalleled working success,” according to an unnamed DC insider, goes by the name of Warren Buffet.” One need only to spend a few hours with any one of the countless old-time political pundits to learn that Congressmen (‘Sneetches’ as they are called in DC) didn’t always get along so well. What follows is the story as it was related to me:

Now the Star-Bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars, while the Plain-Bellied Sneetches had none upon thars. The stars weren’t so big; they were really so small that you might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all. But because they had stars, all the Star-Bellied ilk would brag, “We’re the best kind of Sneetch on Capital Hill.” With their snoots in the air they would sniff and they’d snort, “We’ve stolen tons more money than the Plain-Bellied sort!” And whenever they met some at the Capital walking, they’d hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Star-Bellied Sneetches would meet in a back room to scheme, or visit a brothel to blow off some steam, they never invited the Plain-Bellied sort. They left them at taverns without free cocaine to snort. They left them out of the loop, made them sit in the rear, and that’s how they treated them year after year.

Then one day, it seems ... while the Plain-Bellied Crooks were sulking and boozing and humping in nooks, or just sitting their wishing their bellies had stars ... a stranger drove up in the most expensive of cars! “My friends,” he announced, “let’s make money, lot’s of it. I’m a billionaire investor named Warren Buffet. And I’ve heard of your troubles. I’ve heard you’re unhappy. But I can fix that. I’m the Fit-it-Up Chappie. We’ll funnel taxpayer money to men in big houses, and ultra rich liberals who want to save grouses (or some other kind of bird). We’ll strip voters of rights, both big and small, if you do as I say their be riches for all! You’ll have pure cocaine, and whores who keep secrets, I’ll even give you stars like those uppity Sneetches.”

The old pundit who was telling me the story went on to list countless Congresspersons who jumped eagerly into Buffet’s machine, even a couple political Hollywood types, like Barbara Streisand, who do whatever Nancy Pelosi does. There was some other crap about Star-Bellied Sneetches getting stars removed, then put back on, then taken off again, but the story was long and I had had too much to drink. In the end, all but two Congressmen sold their soul to Warren Buffet and the secret league of extraordinary wealthy people he represents (Group X), and all, as Buffet promised, grew very, very rich on special interest and corporate kick backs. Under Warren Buffet’s back room guidance, Congress successfully became the well-oiled machine that our Founding Father’s strived so hard to protect Americans against. And with government inefficiency gone, so go our liberties.