Category Archives: Dalia Lance

To Jen, my forever side-kick. The world would be less adventurous without you in it.

“I need tassels, lots of body glitter, and pictures, or I won’t believe it,” she exclaimed.

“Are you drunk?” Sally asked her as she peered over the mound of books and magazines in front of her friend.

“What?” Amber said, flipping to a page that had three tabs stuck to it.

“Drunk. Are you drunk?” Sally repeated, taking a sip of her hot chocolate.

“No… Wait… Why?” Amber was talking faster than normal which made Sally wonder if she had way too much sugar and caffeine, which was entirely possible since they were on their third or fourth “holiday drink” that Starbucks was offering.

“Well,” Sally tried to make eye contact, “you just described what would be an amazing start to a bachelorette party or an orgy.”

Amber’s brow furrowed. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

Sally couldn’t help but think how scary this actually was. “You know we are planning a baby shower, right?”

“What?” Amber looked very confused. This was bad.

“We are planning a BABY shower for Michelle. She is having twins… So…” Sally watched a look of horror cross Amber’s face.

And in that instant, I thought to myself “Did I really just see that……?”

I looked again in the direction of her date Zach and saw that he did in fact have a lizard poking out the collar of his jacket.

“Zach… um… there is lizard in your coat.” She tried not to sound as freaked out as she was. She hated reptiles.

He smiled and reached into his jacket. “I’m sorry. This is Zeus. He was feeling a little blue today. So I thought I could bring him with.”

“Oh” was all she could say. Looking back on their conversations online and the decision to meet at a local farmer’s market/craft fair, she thought he was being sweet to her. Maybe he was; she simply couldn’t tell anymore.

He pulled Zeus out of his jacked and held him out to her. He was greenish-blue. “Would you like to hold him?” Zach asked.

“NO!” she snapped and jumped a little back.

A look played across Zach’s face and although she knew her reaction was more violent than needed, she also knew that this would be the last time she saw Zach.

They continued to walk for a bit longer through the stalls, but as they neared the end of one of the lanes, she pulled out her phone and pretended to have an emergency come up. Zach didn’t even question it as a person normally would. She could tell he was done as well.

Instead of a goodbye hug, she shook his hand not holding a lizard and walked away pulling the hand-sanitizer from her purse.

After fully cleaning her hands and her phone, she got to her car and immediately called her friend Jessica.

“Well that was quick,” Jessica answered. “I didn’t get a chance to make the obligatory call to bail you out of the date if needed. What happened?”

“A fricken lizard came out of his jacket.” Her voice was more high-pitched than needed. “A LIZARD!”

“Wow,” Jessica said and began to laugh.

“This isn’t funny. Who in the hell brings a lizard to a date?” She felt her face begin to flush.

Jessica tried to contain her laughter. “You’re right (snicker). That is terrible (laugh).”

“You are not helping.” She wanted to be more mad at her friend, but she knew she was simply frustrated at the situation.

She took a deep breath.

“Well at least he wasn’t dressed as a clown like the last one,” Jessica said before going into another bout of laughter.

The clown. She had almost blocked that horrible moment from her mind. God, she hated online dating.

“There should have been some sort of warning label on her,” Christian said and began shaking his head between his hands as his elbows rested on the table. He was broken.

Alicia looked around the cafe to see how many patrons might be paying attention to his breakdown. Not many. She supposed a guy having an “episode” like this one could be considered commonplace on a college campus.

Alicia sighed and said, “I understand.” What she was actually thinking was A frickin’ warning label? Like that would have stopped you. But this was not very supportive, so instead she simply rubbed her hand on his back in the most comforting way possible.

This was the third such meltdown this semester alone. Each one was a little worse than the last. Alicia figured it was because the choices Christian had made in the women he dated were more vapid each time.

Alicia had known Christian all through middle and high school. They were not close, but when they both realized they were at the same college and they had the same major, the friendship grew quickly.

Unfortunately for Christian, he was an ugly duckling. This meant he had been a slightly chubby band nerd with terrible acne. Apparently, however, somewhere between the end of senior year and the first day of college that had all changed. Christian had not caught on to his new status.

Each of his horrible choices had been the opposite of what he truly needed and in fact wanted. So instead of a smart, fun girl who would like him for the great person he was, he continued to find high maintenance bitches who just wanted him for the stature.

Alicia was happy the latest incarnation she had dubbed “selfie slut” had gone the way of the others. She would no longer have to endure the constant stream of photos on Christian’s timeline where he was trying to look happy and she was doing an awkward duck-face.

Alicia was so in her own thoughts she hadn’t realized that Christian was saying something until he said, “You know what I mean?” her first instinct was to agree with him since she had missed what he said, but she had learned this was a dangerous practice.

“What?” she said, trying to look a little startled.

“Were you listening?” he asked.

Of course she replied with “Yes” but she hadn’t been.

“I was saying that I think that if we just dated, it would solve all my problems.” Alicia was stunned.

“What?” This time as she said it was almost a whisper.

Christian was started turning red. Shit, he was embarrassed. He had taken a risk, and he thought she was being receptive as she had kept on rubbing his back during the process.

She smiled at him and said, “Christian, I’m a lesbian.” He looked shocked and his eyes were searching for something to say.

It was in fact the most awkward situation she had been in since the fifth grade. That time she had actually arrived to school with no pants on. She couldn’t even remember how that happened.

It had, and it took moving to a new town for her to lose the nickname “No Pants.” By the time she had hit junior high, this nickname had taken on a new meaning and school was miserable.

Of course standing here at Prom, dressed as a chicken, was now a new highlight to her normally somewhat awkward adolescent life.

How did she end up dressed as a chicken at Prom? This question wasn’t nearly as interesting as WHY she was dressed like a chicken at the first major dance of her high school career.

Jade was surprised when she had even been asked to go to Prom. She actually thought at that moment it was a cruel joke. She had been asked by David Malcolm. David was not the most popular guy in school, but he was one of the coolest.

David was in a band that actually played frequently. They had even been scooped up by a manager and several record labels were looking at signing them. Jade had gone to several of their shows because the music was good and her friends would rather do that than pep-rallies and lame parties.

It was at one of the last shows he had asked her. She had been standing in line to get a soda, playing a game on her phone when she heard a voice ask “What level are you?” It was so close that Jade was startled and dropped her phone.

Before she could bend down to pick it up, David had and was handing it back to her. “Thank you,” she stammered as he looked at the phone, and then handed it back, saying, “Doesn’t look broken. Sorry I scared you.”

Jade just smiled. You see moments like this in the movies, but don’t realize that they can happen to you in real life. She felt herself begin to sweat. She was nervous.

“Are you ok?” he asked. Oh god, she thought. “Yeah, yes. I mean. I am fine.” She sounded like an idiot. He simply smiled at her.

“What can I get you?” This time the voice was coming from the food cart.

“Can I buy you a soda?” David asked. She nodded and managed to ask for a Coke. She almost ordered a Diet Coke and then realized she would sound just like the girls at school. That and she hated diet soda.

As they got their drinks and started to walk from the cart, he asked, “So, Jade?” He knew her name, which surprised her since they never spoke and didn’t have any classes together. “Can I ask you something?” She nodded and added “Sure” so that she didn’t seem like she was now mute.

“Do you have a date for prom? and if not will you go with me?” She was caught completely off guard, and at the same time she was elated. “No…” she started and his smile began to drop. “I mean, I don’t have a date. Yes.” Well that wasn’t a complete sentence, but his smile brightened, so she was pretty sure he understood and was happy about it.

He gave her his number and headed back to the stage.

She texted him the next day just simply saying: This is Jade.

She didn’t expect a response, but he texted right back with a smile and started chatting. They had talked every day either via text or even having lunch together a couple of times at school. Jade found they had a ton in common and made each other laugh constantly.

David had told her how much he felt that you should make an adventure out of life. He liked to find a way to make everything bigger and more amazing. She found she liked this about him most. He thrived on being himself and liked her, it seemed, for who she was. It was awesome.

She had told him she was going shopping for her dress and he asked her not to and to trust him. Part of her began to get the sneaky feeling that she was being set-up, but she didn’t want to believe he would do that, so she agreed.

The night of Prom, a huge box had been dropped off with a corsage and a note saying: Don’t freak out. I promise this will be epic! See you soon.. Love David.

Before she even opened the box, she swooned over the word LOVE on the card. Her smile was huge until she opened the box and found the suit. There was a second note that had said: Meet me at Prom.

So here she stood, in a chicken suit, with a corsage, in front of Prom. She was about to walk away when she heard a commotion and saw a group of chickens, nine of them, walking towards her. The one in the lead came up and picked her up, twirling her around.

“You did it!” she heard David’s muffled voice say. She nodded, her chicken head rocking back and forth. “You are perfect!” he said, putting her down.

She knew he couldn’t see it, but she was smiling as he took her hand and led her into Prom.

The chicken suit prom landed not only in the yearbook and the local papers. It is one of the funny stories David likes to share when interviewed about how he fell in love with his wife.

Frank thought it might be her height, or how broad her shoulders were. Or maybe it was the fact that she always wore make-up as if she were appearing in a show in Vegas.

He could never put his finger on exactly what it was about her that had him so confused. However, there was one thing he knew more than anything else… He was infatuated with Darla.

That was the name she had given him the first night they met at the bar. She was sitting at the bar, but her stool was facing out. She was watching all of the people with fascination, whether they were playing a game of pool or darts or simply chatting with friends. There were even a few customers that seemed to be having a hard time keeping their hands off each other.

No matter what the interaction, Darla would watch and sometimes a slow smile would creep across her face. Frank found himself watching her for several minutes until she finally turned her gaze to him.

Darla looked him dead in the eyes and winked. He turned away, quickly embarrassed. He didn’t know why he felt this way, but his cheeks warmed and he took a long drink before daring to turn and steal a glance at Darla again.

When he timidly turned his head, he was surprised to see Darla was still looking his way, this time with more of a smirk than a smile.

Darla said, “I am going to start charging if you keep staring.” Her voice was deep and sultry. Not giving away anything. “You gonna buy me a drink or are you going to keep pretending you can look away?”

Darla was bold. He liked that.

He bought the next couple of rounds of drinks. Darla liked a 7 & 7; it gave nothing away. He found out that Darla was guarded about some personal details. Darla loved cats and hated dogs. Darla used to smoke but now couldn’t stand the taste and Darla let Frank talk about anything he wanted to and Darla just listened.

He came back the next week with the hopes of meeting up with Darla again. He hadn’t gotten a number.

Four weeks later, he arrived again on Friday night. Darla was there

Darla always wore a dress that revealed a little but not enough.

Frank took a deep breath; he would have to do it now or lose his nerve.

He walked up to Darla, and before anything else could be said, he blurted out, “Darla, I want to take you out for a real date.” He had said it. He took another deep breath, awaiting the reaction. Darla looked at him a little puzzled and then said, “I didn’t think I was your type Frank.”

Frank stood there next to this beautiful creature and said the only thing he could think of: “Is that a yes?”

“How would you know that?” Monica asked Chrissy as she grabbed the container of watermelon flavored warming gel from the shelf at the “couples super store” they had decided to stop in on their way to lunch.

“I tried a bunch of them with Mark. They are great for… you know… ‘heating things up,'” The smirk on Chrissy’s face would have been almost as annoying as the quotations she was making with her fingers, if she wasn’t blushing a little.

Monica was shaking her head a little when Rachel walked up with what looked like a giant dildo with a suction cup on one end of it. The rubber member was over a foot long and as big around as a soda can.

Rachel held it out in front of her like a sword at first and then gripped it like a baseball bat. “I think I am getting this,” she said as she slung it over her shoulder.

“To do what exactly?” Monica asked while trying to contain her laughter. “Seriously, no human, I don’t care how loose, should be able to take that!”

Rachel narrowed her eyes as if offended by the laughter, or the comment, and then said, “This…” She was brandishing the giant dong in the direction of her friends, “is my new home defense. Anyone tries to break in then I am going to beat them with it.” She was incredibly proud of this decision.

“So if anyone breaks in, you are going to beat them with a rubber penis?” Chrissy asked this as she picked up a couple of the samples of the newest flavor of the warming gel. Rachel nodded and headed for the register. Chrissy handed Monica one of the three samples she grabbed saying, “That girl has spirit,” as they both headed out with their friend.

When they were all back in the car headed to lunch, Chrissy exclaimed from the back, “I think I have a new favorite flavor!” as she held up the now empty sample pack from the store.

“Where did you just put that to try it?” Monica asked and before Chrissy could answer, she said, “Wait! Nevermind. I don’t want to know.”

Her eyebrows were painted on, but too high, so she always looked surprised…

It had taken Mandi over three months to get used to Maria’s eyebrows. She was a very attractive woman with the exception of her drag-queen type eyebrows which seemed to have actually gotten a little higher since they first met.

Mandi’s daughter Sarah had wanted to join a Daisy troop, but since there were none in the area, they had settled on a Brownie troop that was in desperate need of a co-leader. This shouldn’t have been a bad decision. Unfortunately, staring at a room covered in flour and sugar, Mandi was 1000% sure this was the worst decision she had made as a parent.

Maria had seemed like a very dedicated parent and brownie leader when Mandi was first introduced to her that first night. In fact, it seemed like she had been the victim of some bad luck, with three other co-leaders dropping out of the program on her.

Mandi had actually felt a little pity and immediately signed on. Sarah was thrilled. When they arrived a little early for the first official troop meeting, Maria walked up and was standing only inches from Mandi when she said, “Did you read the manual?” Her eyebrows making her look surprised and angry at the same time. Her hands were fists on her waist. “Manual?” Mandi asked, unable to break eye contact with the eyebrows now looming at her.

“Yes! The Manual,” she said, pulling out a binder so large it would put an encyclopedia to shame from her bag. Mandi hadn’t even been told there was a “Manual.” She carefully explained this to the eyebrows, and Maria apologized saying she was a little on edge from work. Mandi had that first time decided to dismiss it; everyone has at least one bad day.

When she found out Maria was a stay-at-home mother, it began to get a little weirder. Mandi had volunteered that first night to help the girls achieve some baking and cooking badges as she made cakes as her business and when she proposed the idea, the eight girls in the troop, and Maria, seemed thrilled.

So, on the third meeting she brought all the supplies for the girls to make a small batch of six cupcakes each. It started out fine and well until Maria’s daughter decided to launch her bowl of dry ingredients at her mother who, in the girl’s defense, was being particularly bossy at that moment.

Maria then jumped up and started grabbing the bowls of flour and sugar off the tables and slinging it all over the room as the troop members watched, some in shock, a couple crying and two of them giggling.

This went on for about ten minutes until Maria slumped to the floor, covering her face with her hands and she began sobbing. Mandi walked over to her after getting the girls started on cleaning up. When she put her hand on Maria’s shoulder, she jumped, startled, and Mandi now saw the famous eyebrows smeared across her face.