I'm very lucky at the moment because I have two good friends who have been with me throughout. One of which I have started sort of seeing and he is a BHM . I know one thing for sure I won't be going back to my ex

That the most important thing to take away from it: getting together with an ex can't work in my opinion.

Here's something I've been thinking a lot about lately: the nature of personality. As in, some people seem far more static and others seem more dynamic. Clearly, a lot of people enjoy associating with certain labels and traits. Belonging to different groups and schools of thought appeals to them and helps to define them as a person, and that stands out no matter who they're interacting with. They've found a core way of interacting that they enjoy.

But what about the more dynamic people? I was having a conversation with a friend last night and they were discussing how they feel somewhat different depending on who they're interacting with. I realized I'm very much in the same camp. But I don't find it disingenuous. Rather, different people bring out different elements of myself and I can meld to that without feeling untrue to myself. I have to wonder if that seems less legitimate to people, if they realized that was the case.

And as my friend pointed out, what does that mean for identity when you're alone? Surely there's some concrete labels and associations for everyone...but a personality has a distinctive feeling to it, does it not? When you're interacting a certain way, it has a certain qualitative feeling to it. In fact, to me, it's that feeling that is usually the most alluring thing about a person. It's so impossible to explain, but I do enjoy that element of mysteriousness around qualia.

I get what you mean. Certain people just naturally bring out certain aspects of your personality. Like I'm open with all my friends, but a couple of them just bring out that part of me that makes me spill my guts or trouble and I love em for it!

Guys out there driving, I really, really, really do not, repeat not want to see your cocks when stopped for a traffic light. I have no equal signs nor rainbow stickers anywhere on my truck. It does not gross me out, however it does absolutely nothing for me since I have one of my own to look at and grab hold of any time I damn well please. (Although fella yesterday, yours was as decent looking of a member as one could be, sir I compliment you. It looked just exactly like mine, it could have been its doppelganger. )

Now, on this subject, hey universe, I have had to see numerous mens peckers over the years and very few women share their wonderful lady parts in kind. Hows about evening things out just a bit. Maybe a few more boobie flashes or raised skirts to balance out the the mass proliferation of dick I have seen over the years! Thanks in advance, LG.

__________________From the tattoo on her left leg and the garter on her right. She'd have the card to bring me down
if she played it right

Here's something I've been thinking a lot about lately: the nature of personality...

Hmmmm, this is an interesting one.
I think I’d identify as more on the dynamic side of things too. While I wouldn’t go so far as to think of this as being disingenuous either, I do at times find myself wishing I had a bit more ‘grounding.’ More of a core that can give me a greater sense of stability while still being pretty adaptable personality-wise. Maybe I just want the best of both worlds =P

But I do find myself admiring and enjoying people who seem to have that kind of steadfastness to who they are when I have the pleasure of experiencing them in various situations. I guess this could also just be a case of that natural human tendency to want what you yourself don’t have and aren’t familiar with.

Having said allll that, I definitely agree that a personality, whether more on the static or more on the dynamic side, has a distinctive feeling to it. As to the allure and enjoying the mystery of those experiences – absolutely!

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeoGibson

...Now, on this subject, hey universe, I have had to see numerous mens peckers over the years and very few women share their wonderful lady parts in kind. Hows about evening things out just a bit. Maybe a few more boobie flashes or raised skirts to balance out the the mass proliferation of dick I have seen over the years! Thanks in advance, LG.

Guys out there driving, I really, really, really do not, repeat not want to see your cocks when stopped for a traffic light. I have no equal signs nor rainbow stickers anywhere on my truck. It does not gross me out, however it does absolutely nothing for me since I have one of my own to look at and grab hold of any time I damn well please. (Although fella yesterday, yours was as decent looking of a member as one could be, sir I compliment you. It looked just exactly like mine, it could have been its doppelganger. )

Now, on this subject, hey universe, I have had to see numerous mens peckers over the years and very few women share their wonderful lady parts in kind. Hows about evening things out just a bit. Maybe a few more boobie flashes or raised skirts to balance out the the mass proliferation of dick I have seen over the years! Thanks in advance, LG.

I...didn't realize this was a thing. I'm not even sure I see the point there. HEY. WE'RE STOPPED FOR 15 SECONDS. LOOK AT THIS. People are ridiculous

Quote:

Originally Posted by BearHug2013

I get what you mean. Certain people just naturally bring out certain aspects of your personality. Like I'm open with all my friends, but a couple of them just bring out that part of me that makes me spill my guts or trouble and I love em for it!

I agree! I have no idea why I can speak effortlessly to certain people and why others are always a struggle. But I can certainly appreciate the former.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ODFFA

Hmmmm, this is an interesting one.
I think I’d identify as more on the dynamic side of things too. While I wouldn’t go so far as to think of this as being disingenuous either, I do at times find myself wishing I had a bit more ‘grounding.’ More of a core that can give me a greater sense of stability while still being pretty adaptable personality-wise. Maybe I just want the best of both worlds =P

But I do find myself admiring and enjoying people who seem to have that kind of steadfastness to who they are when I have the pleasure of experiencing them in various situations. I guess this could also just be a case of that natural human tendency to want what you yourself don’t have and aren’t familiar with.

Having said allll that, I definitely agree that a personality, whether more on the static or more on the dynamic side, has a distinctive feeling to it. As to the allure and enjoying the mystery of those experiences – absolutely!

Thanks in advance, eh? You and the Universe must be tight. Enjoy

Indeed, the grass is always greener. I know what you mean about wanting a grounding. I think it goes back to wondering about your true personality when you're alone. But hey! Think of all the people who can only truly appreciate a small set of things. Surely it must be awesome to have such an expanded range

That makes me think of another question. What would you say constitutes their steadfastness? Do they seem to stand by similar values and have similar traits in a great many situations? Or is the feel of their personality the same? I can definitely imagine them separately. Someone can always feel like the same person, while highlighting different traits/values. Or they can obviously maintain core values and traits, whilst feeling different. INTERPERSONAL INTERACTION. U SO MYSTERIOUS.

I...didn't realize this was a thing. I'm not even sure I see the point there. HEY. WE'RE STOPPED FOR 15 SECONDS. LOOK AT THIS. People are ridiculous

Yep. It's definitely a thing. Gay dudes seem to have a preference for waving their willies at truckers. Women seem to have more sense than men do in this regard. Wow, us guys really are creeps aren't we?

__________________From the tattoo on her left leg and the garter on her right. She'd have the card to bring me down
if she played it right

Not really, I'm just trying to retain a positive outlook. Truth be told, the universe will probably point and laugh at me and now inundate me with nude men!

Awwwwwwwww! And that with the positivity you exude I steadfastly resolve not to laugh along with the great 'Verse. .......Teeeheeee! >.< Dammit!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amaranthine

Indeed, the grass is always greener. I know what you mean about wanting a grounding. I think it goes back to wondering about your true personality when you're alone. But hey! Think of all the people who can only truly appreciate a small set of things. Surely it must be awesome to have such an expanded range

That makes me think of another question. What would you say constitutes their steadfastness? Do they seem to stand by similar values and have similar traits in a great many situations? Or is the feel of their personality the same? I can definitely imagine them separately. Someone can always feel like the same person, while highlighting different traits/values. Or they can obviously maintain core values and traits, whilst feeling different. INTERPERSONAL INTERACTION. U SO MYSTERIOUS.

For me, I think more in terms of their personality feeling the same. E.g. I can be the most easily amused, laugh-happy lunatic one moment / with one person and the epitome of calm [with] the next.

This surprises even me, sometimes almost to the point of concern But don't get me wrong, like you said, for the most part I actually enjoy and am really grateful for this wonderful ability and I'm still me in all situations.

I'm not being funny here, but why would you want to date a person so shallow that they are put off by 30lbs of weight? I wouldn't want to date a single person that didn't find me attractive at my biggest, my lightest, anywhere in between, because it shows they are a shallow person. I mean, surely it is about the quality of women you are attracting rather than the quantity? ...unless you are some sort of pimp. Then I understand you on a deep and philosophical level.

I wouldn't want to date a shallow person. Indeed I'm married to a woman who's not (most of the time). However, that doesn't change the fact that there are very few women out there who will accept advances from fat guys let alone actually seek them out. Over the years I've come to the conclusion that a very substantial percentage of the female population is indeed very shallow (I'm sure many men are too). If you want to get play you can't be more than a little fat and it also helps to be a bit of an asshole.

Also, I once had a date refuse to ride in my old 1987 F-150 because it was such a POS. However, when I picked my wife up for our first date she not only leaned over to unlock my door but she then slid across to the middle saying "a bench seat -- cool". So I pretty much knew she was a keeper from the get go.

Note: automatic door locks have ruined the time honored test of opening your date's door and then waiting to see if she'll reach across to open you'res. If she didn't game over.

Over the years I've come to the conclusion that a very substantial percentage of the female population is indeed very shallow (I'm sure many men are too). If you want to get play you can't be more than a little fat and it also helps to be a bit of an asshole.

Yup. For volume, 'good looking, confident asshole' trumps 'overweight awkward nice guy' any day for most of the female population. For volume.

And by nice guy, I don't mean an extreme doormat who never sticks up for themselves; I mean an actual guy who is nice, easy going and tries to treat women right.

There is no doubt many people often confuse confidence and good looks with honesty and goodness.

I guess the best one can try for, unless you're willing to completely remake yourself into a good looking asshole, is to be confident despite being overweight and awkward and hope you stumble across a woman who is a cut above.

Speaking from personal experience, it's not an easy or terribly encouraging road to travel.

You have to work with what you've got, but I've saved up to wear custom tailored if it made me look as well dressed as guys who can find their size anywhere. It sucks that I had to pay through the eye to dress as well, and still not get results. But hey, no one said life was fair.

While I do tend to agree with you on a certain level, you may be missing the crux of his point. For instance, if it is one particular shallow woman you're trying to win over by re-arranging who you are, then yes that is pointless and why bother?

However, if you are doing such to increase your dating pool and meet more women, thus having more options on dating and perhaps finding the one that will then click with your overall personality and from there a few lbs. in either direction won't matter, then that isn't necessarily going after shallow women.

Quote:

Originally Posted by djudex

I disagree with this so vastly...just because a person isn't attracted to people who have extra poudange doesn't make them shallow, it makes them a person with a preference. The women here tend to like men (and/or women) who are overweight and if they wouldn't want to date a thin person that doesn't make them shallow either. I used to think the same way until I realized that was a naive, romanticized, 'love conquers all' vision of people with no grounding in reality. People like what they like, it doesn't make them worse or better, it just makes them, well... human.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tankyguy

Because the number of people in the world who aren't attracted to and won't date someone who isn't close to the 'ideal' weight is much larger than the number of people who will. Hence "all the fat guys coming into the forum complaining that women aren't into them". Because by and large they're not.

Consider the possibility that those guys may not all just have confidence or self esteem issues. They could be funny, smart and engaging yet conventionally unattractive (which fat is for most people). The one thing you know they have in common is that they are fat and women aren't into them.

So if you don't want to be alone you either have to hope you find one of those exceedingly rare people who don't care about weight (or are into bigger people) or you have to lose weight like bigmac says and better your odds.

Like djudex says, people (and by extension women) like what they like and the vast majority don't like fat guys.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tad

Or if you look around the rest of the boards, you'll find any number of attractive, interesting, with-it, BBW who are inexplicably single. Once you've fallen in love with someone, their size may not matter as much to you, but when you are scanning the room, wondering who you would like to know better....of course you are going to tend to favour the ones who make the best visual first impression on you.

Which is why my advice for those who don't fit the conventional mould is to meet lots of people in ways/places where you interact with them and get to know them (classes, volunteering, clubs, etc). That way people get to see other features of you, and may decide that your size is not the most important thing about you. Won't work for everyone, but I still think it gives you better odds.

Okay, I seem to have caused quite a stir with that opinion, which I wasn't expecting to be honest. I should point out that I'm not being rude when I call people shallow. But judging a person on the basis of something they can't readily change about their person - and weight is, in my opinion, one of those things - is shallow. Because you are judging on the basis of appearance and not personality. I don't see how it can be argued otherwise. I'm not saying it is a bad thing. You are perfectly entitled to find people attractive based on whatever criteria you like. Most people go by appearance. It is common, it is perfectly acceptable, it is biologically valid and it is shallow. Given that I have very little time for people outside of select few I have no interest in talking to people who are shallow. Because it stands to reason that if you are shallow picking you partner you are shallow picking your friends and that's not cool with me.

As for Tad's advice to go out to places where you interact with people... isn't that advice for everybody, bigger or not? I mean, I wouldn't touch a guy with a barge pole if he came up to me in a club and just wanted to get with me because he liked the way I look. I would only date people that know me and like me as a person first. I think that people who are overweight tend to place too much emphasis on their size as the route of all their problems...

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigmac

I wouldn't want to date a shallow person. Indeed I'm married to a woman who's not (most of the time). However, that doesn't change the fact that there are very few women out there who will accept advances from fat guys let alone actually seek them out. Over the years I've come to the conclusion that a very substantial percentage of the female population is indeed very shallow (I'm sure many men are too). If you want to get play you can't be more than a little fat and it also helps to be a bit of an asshole.

Well I'm not exactly the person people come to for advice when they want to play the field! =p To be honest, I think that there are a lot of factors other than being fat that can lead to a person being turned down all the time like that. I mean, I have great friends, they are lovely and wonderful, but one of them only ever had one person show any interest in him and the other has literally never pulled a woman or had a relationship in his life. And they are both lean, fit men and aren't shy of asking people out. Not to mention that most women will turn down most men. I mean, I turn down almost everybody and always have. Fat, thin, short, tall, blond, brunette... but if the fat guys I turn down blame it on them being fat without checking with me first then to them they will have more 'proof' that it is their weight that is the problem when it really wasn't that at all.

I should point out that I'm not being rude when I call people shallow. But judging a person on the basis of something they can't readily change about their person - and weight is, in my opinion, one of those things - is shallow. Because you are judging on the basis of appearance and not personality. I don't see how it can be argued otherwise. I'm not saying it is a bad thing.

o rly

Quote:

Originally Posted by loopytheone

I'm not being funny here, but why would you want to date a person so shallow that they are put off by 30lbs of weight? I wouldn't want to date a single person that didn't find me attractive at my biggest, my lightest, anywhere in between, because it shows they are a shallow person. I mean, surely it is about the quality of women you are attracting rather than the quantity?

Perhaps you should try talking in full sentences because then maybe I'd be able to understand what point you were trying to make. No, being shallow is not a bad thing. But not being shallow is a good thing. In the same way that having a mental illness isn't a bad thing. But not having a mental illness is a good thing, both for that person and likely for ease of relationships.

Perhaps you should try talking in full sentences because then maybe I'd be able to understand what point you were trying to make. No, being shallow is not a bad thing. But not being shallow is a good thing. In the same way that having a mental illness isn't a bad thing. But not having a mental illness is a good thing, both for that person and likely for ease of relationships.

Heh, this might be nit-picky, but isn't mental illness bad by definition? At least from the perspective of the person with it, I'd say it's most certainly negative. Schizophrenia, depression, OCD. I believe they're all bad for the person with them, and imagine they would agree.

I suppose it's more of a question whether it's bad for a potential romantic partner. I have a feeling that my input here might be taken rather badly. But if it's untreated, I'm going to say it's definitely bad. Knowing the symptoms of schizophrenia and knowing people with the disease, would untreated schizophrenia make me question dating a person? Yes. Similarly, I HAVE dated people with depression. And is it bad? Honestly, yes. Not that I didn't love them and try my damnedest to be supportive and understanding. But I think it's just a fact that something like that will likely impact a relationship at some point.

Now, if someone is actively trying to manage it, should you not date them? Of course not. Even if they're not really seeking treatment, a relationship can still be feasible, sure. But I find it difficult to view it as merely neutral. With every relationship there's a set of flaws you're going to have to accept...and I think mental illness can be one of them. And I'm not saying it's anyone's fault or that someone with a mental illness should be viewed negatively or as bad. Certainly not. But characterizing mental illness itself as bad is totally different from that.

That was probably excessive. But 4:30 and energy drinks are a bad combination...so really, that's just my over-energetic musings.

It might've simply been a bad example on her part but the original point is still valid.
Shallowness itself is not bad, but when it's someone's sole criteria for there romantic life..there not doing themselves any favors.

It might've simply been a bad example on her part but the original point is still valid.
Shallowness itself is not bad, but when it's someone's sole criteria for there romantic life..there not doing themselves any favors.

Oh, I certainly agree with that. There's far more to any good relationship than physical attraction, and it'd surely be a mistake to mainly judge off that. I'm just bored

Though. I think the goodness of "not being shallow" depends on the context. When I've attempted to not be shallow in certain relationships (that meaning pursuing despite lack of physical attraction), I would honestly say the sexual element suffered. And a lot of guys probably aren't eager to accept that. But yes, generally, I would agree.

Heh, this might be nit-picky, but isn't mental illness bad by definition? At least from the perspective of the person with it, I'd say it's most certainly negative. Schizophrenia, depression, OCD. I believe they're all bad for the person with them, and imagine they would agree.

I suppose it's more of a question whether it's bad for a potential romantic partner. I have a feeling that my input here might be taken rather badly. But if it's untreated, I'm going to say it's definitely bad. Knowing the symptoms of schizophrenia and knowing people with the disease, would untreated schizophrenia make me question dating a person? Yes. Similarly, I HAVE dated people with depression. And is it bad? Honestly, yes. Not that I didn't love them and try my damnedest to be supportive and understanding. But I think it's just a fact that something like that will likely impact a relationship at some point.

Now, if someone is actively trying to manage it, should you not date them? Of course not. Even if they're not really seeking treatment, a relationship can still be feasible, sure. But I find it difficult to view it as merely neutral. With every relationship there's a set of flaws you're going to have to accept...and I think mental illness can be one of them. And I'm not saying it's anyone's fault or that someone with a mental illness should be viewed negatively or as bad. Certainly not. But characterizing mental illness itself as bad is totally different from that.

That was probably excessive. But 4:30 and energy drinks are a bad combination...so really, that's just my over-energetic musings.

Well as somebody with a personality disorder, an anxiety disorder and severe recurrent depression who is dating somebody with similar problems, would I say it is a bad thing? No. Because those aspects are part of who we are as a person. They can be treated, they can be managed but these things always affect the way you think underneath and I don't think that is a bad thing. I think it is a neutral thing. It makes you different from a lot of people but not worse than them. I suppose what I am trying to say is that mental illness is a painful thing to go through and it will need constant treating and care as with any chronic illness. But in the same way that I wouldn't say being in a wheelchair is bad, I don't think mental illness is either. I agree that it is easier on a relationship to be with a person who is not mentally ill, hence me saying that not being mentally ill is a good thing. I get the feeling I am rambling now and not explaining myself very well so i am going to be quiet now!

Quote:

Originally Posted by BearHug2013

It might've simply been a bad example on her part but the original point is still valid.
Shallowness itself is not bad, but when it's someone's sole criteria for there romantic life..there not doing themselves any favors.

Yes, this! I was trying to think of an example and that was all that my early morning brain could come up with unfortunately! I don't think being shallow is something a person can change about themselves and I don't think it is a bad thing. But it is a good thing to look beneath the surface of people and find out how awesome they are.

Though. I think the goodness of "not being shallow" depends on the context. When I've attempted to not be shallow in certain relationships (that meaning pursuing despite lack of physical attraction), I would honestly say the sexual element suffered. And a lot of guys probably aren't eager to accept that. But yes, generally, I would agree.

Right. Time to get to sleep >.>

Sorry for the double post, forgot to answer this!

There is a difference between naturally not being shallow and trying to force yourself into a relationship with a person you don't find attractive. If you don't find them attractive then the relationship wont work. I think I am going to leave my comments on attraction at this though, because as an asexual I'll be honest, I really struggle to understand about raw sexual attraction between people.

God damn shirts that are supposed to be 4XLT and still tug out of the waistband of my slacks when I do anything as strenuous as breath deeply. I know ladies on here have asked before why us fat guys wear our pants so high and cover our belly hang, that's why. My kingdom for a well designed t-shirt!

Quote:

Have you made any discoveries of amusing/fun things that can be done with them?

Aside from using it as an emergency table? Not really. It's kind of like those old silicon squishy toys that were the rage back in the 90's, fun to moosh around and makes funny shapes with but not overly practical.

__________________
Optimists and pessimists have it all wrong, it's not about whether the glass is half full or half empty. You should just enjoy having the glass.