LOSTWATCH!! – “What if this wasn’t supposed to be our life?”

Hey, does anyone remember that Desmond guy? No? Me neither. But it turns out that Widmore had him hidden on his submarine to use in his nefarious scheme. Let’s watch!

They’re not going to be able to do much with Desmond acting like this, so Widmore decides to move his SECRET TEST up a bit…like NOW!

So Desmond is prepped inside a box that looks like the raptor cage from Jurassic Park. Once everything’s ready, they flip the switch.

The discharge is so powerful that it drains energy from all over the station!

And we fade to white to reveal…

Desmond decides she isn’t worth the trouble and finds his limo driver. It ain’t no thang, because let’s face it, Desmond’s got problems, but a b***h ain’t one. Ya heard? Anyway, if he really needs a woman, Minkowski’s got it taken care of.

Desmond tells Minkowski to just drive him to the boss’s office. Just who is this boss, you may be wondering. Well, Desmond’s boss is none other than…Zoe?

Just kidding. It’s Widmore.

Widmore sends Desmond to pick up Charlie Pace, who’s hair is all buzzed and gross now. Charlie’s band is supposed to play with Widmore’s son at some fancy-schmancy party. What follows is the dumbest and most cliched scene we’ve ever seen in Lost.

Inside some sh***y little dive bar…

Which he’ll do on his way to Widmore’s expensive, rich-people party. As they’re driving, Charlie’s band SOULSTORM comes on the radio.

A sudden attack of conscience forces Desmond back down to rescue Charlie. But as he reaches the car, he sees a mysterious vision.

Desmond calls “the boss” (his secret name for Widmore) to tell him the bad news.

Widmore’s a busy man and can’t be bothered with things like talking to his family, so Desmond’s charged with disappointing him. He doesn’t care because there are much weightier things to be discussed!

How the hell did Faraday make that jump? I had a dream I made out with Scarlett Johansson once, but that doesn’t mean I broke into her house the next day to tell her that we were lovers in another life (yes I did). All I’m saying is that it’s very convenient that he figured out EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON. And from what, deja vu?

So Desmond goes to meet Penny, who for some reason isn’t scared to death by being approached by a man in a completely empty sports stadium.

And of course Desmond quantum leaps just as he’s about to bag the girl. When he comes to on the island, he’s a changed man.

Huh? But suddenly…!

Desmond just watches her go, that big, charming Scotsman grin plastered on his face.

Yep. That’s the one. When he gets back to the limo, he has a question for Minkowski.