Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A Space

I was thinking last night about "my progress." I was thinking about my progress concerning my eating disorder, my depression and anxiety, the grieving process of my trauma, my education, and my developing of healthy relationships. I am always in change mode. Below I talked about feeling like I am shedding an old me which is true and good. But the kind of change that I am talking about in the entry has everything to do with not being okay as I am.

What I mean is that, I am perpetually under construction. I never feel like I am who I am at the moment. I am always "waiting" to be someone else. It can be such a fucking cop out. And I think that is why it is so hard for me to accept myself. I feel like I dont want to be who I am now so why would I accept that person when I am in the process of changing her.

It is so hard for me to say that but it is true. And the problem is that I have to accept myself right now. I am wasting my present on the future and the past and not doing so is the hardest thing to do.

I just want to be okay in the present, ya know? And I think that everyone does. But they get so stuck in wanting to change themselves "for the better" that they neglect themselves at the now.

So I just wanted to say that. I am struggling today. My medication is making me sick. Literally and figurtively. You would think that anti-depressants and anxiety medication would be more simple. It isn't.

So, I think I have been sharing a lot on here. I dont care. I probably should. Hopefully none of my employers or co-workers find this website and then find out who I am. That would be crazy.

I will probably post later as well. I just needed a space to talk for a minute.