Plenty of thrills, spills and bellyaches to come in 2009

Bryony Gordon predicts that Cheryl Cole will be made a dame, Tesco will go into administration, and Ken will knock Boris off his bike.

Listen to the soothsayers, the harbingers of doom, the Mervyn Kings of this world, and you would be forgiven for thinking that this year is going to be full of misery, unemployment and extended overdrafts.

But what do they know? I predict that 2009 is going to be a year of thrills, spills and bellyaches; and having gazed into my crystal ball, I can exclusively reveal just a few of the exciting things that are going to happen.

Sir Simon Cowell and Dame Cheryl Cole take their places at the top of the birthday honours list. "I don't think that this is great..." says Sir Cowell about his knighthood, "...I know it is!" Dame Cheryl blubs uncontrollably at the news, as does Bruce Forsyth, who is yet again overlooked by Her Majesty. John Sergeant gets an OBE for services to the paso doble.

M&S, hit by the financial crisis, has to rethink its lavish advertising campaign. Twiggy is replaced by Dot Cotton, Erin O'Connor by Jodie Marsh. Take That is booted off in favour of that child from the X Factor with the funny name. It isn't just an advert: it's a spectacularly rubbish one.

With just three years to go before London makes a complete hash of the Olympics, the budget is slashed dramatically in line with the economic downturn. The swimming pool is replaced by a paddling puddle, and Westfield is considered as a venue for all the equestrian events.

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By mid-June, the last British high street store, Tesco, goes into administration. Come the autumn, the only places you can buy things in are charity shops that are raising money for shops.

Ken Livingstone finally throws in the towel and stops turning up at City Hall to watch Boris Johnson make speeches. He decides to apply for a job driving bendy buses. After months of hard training, he is suspended on his first day when he knocks over a man on a bicycle, despite the cyclist's shock of blond hair that you can see from a mile off.

Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss open a health spa.

Loaves of bread become more expensive than houses.

Carol Vorderman replaces Alistair Darling as Chancellor of the Exchequer. "She's just the woman to rescue the economy," says an upbeat Gordon Brown. "Now give me two from the top, Carol."

Meanwhile, Darling applies for a place on The Apprentice. He doesn't make it past the first audition.

Also: the BBC decides to run a phone vote on whether it should continue having phone votes, but a computer glitch makes the result null and void. The Royal Mail is bought by Facebook.

Non-jobs galore

But, seriously, don't worry if you are one of the 600 trillion people predicted to lose their job every day this year. There are plenty of ridiculous positions out there in the public sector. Braintree council is looking for a "Climate Change Manager" and is happy to pay this person £38,556 for his hard work. Lambeth desperately needs an "Enviro-Crime Enforcement Officer" (£30,774 per annum) – though it doesn't seem to be looking for any normal crime enforcement officers (police). But my favourite? The "Street Football Co-Ordinator" sought by Moray council. Salary to show kids how to kick a ball around about outside? £19,887. Wonderful.

Bank glitch

If you have woken up this New Year's Day weeping at the state of your bank balance, spare a thought for Donald and Wendy Moffat, who logged on to check the balance of a new Barclays account, only to discover that they were £100 billion overdrawn.

Alas, it was all down to a good old-fashioned computer glitch. But still, £100 billion? Now that really is a credit crunch.