Saturday, August 20, 2011

Safe Place for What, Exactly?

While I'm sure this made sense to whoever designed it, as a casual customer I'm confused about what, exactly, Kroger is asserting that they are a safe place for.

Interracial midget/giant dating? I'm only asking because that looks a lot like a big white person making out with a small black person, or at least hugging one. Or maybe the white person isn't really that much bigger, and just has a gigantic head?

Or maybe the sign is saying that Kroger is a safe place to grab people inappropriately from behind? I only suggest the inappropriate part because those hands are definitely in the "bad touch" zone if the smaller figure is female.

Maybe they're just saying that Kroger is a safe place to hug? I've never really seen anyone hugging there, but it's probably happened at least once, late at night, in the soft glow of the freezer cases as a low and moody Muzak version of "Strangers in the Night" softly hums overhead. Kroger is a safe place for love, good clean love, without utensils (unless you happen to be in Aisle 7).

Intrigued, I asked the cashier as I struggled to ignore the fact that she was bagging cold groceries and not cold groceries in the same bag even though I deliberately sent them down the conveyor belt well separated to keep that specific thing from happening.

"That Safe Place sign out front? The yellow one? What does that mean, exactly?"

"Oh, uh... it's, like, for child molestors."

Kroger is a safe place for child molestors? What? Did they sign an endorsement deal with the Michael Jackson estate or something?

Some version of this might have been clearly visible in my face, because she immediately added, "You know, to get away from them. It's a safe place to get away from child molestors."

Oh, of course. That was completely obvious, just by looking at the sign.

Late edit: My friends Cate and Rod (whose blog is temporarily offline) have informed me that the sign is for the national Safe Place program, which helps at-risk, runaway, and homeless youth. Although I still think the Kroger staff should have been able to tell me that when I asked, I could have also looked that up myself.