I Am Avitable: Ask Me Anything – Day Seven

Today is the last day of the AMA! Tomorrow is my actual birthday, and I’ll be doing one final recap post before the week of Avitable is over. (Oh, who are we kidding? Every week is the week of Avitable in my world!)

Let’s see what you fuckers asked this time!

Zach asked: Who is a friend of yours that would be surprised to know you have a crush on them? Or had, if you’re currently crush-free?

One of my stronger personality traits is the fact that I share (and some would say overshare) my feelings and my emotions without any filter, so I think it would be extremely unlikely that any friend I find attractive wouldn’t know how I feel. I’m not very difficult to read even if I wasn’t verbally expressing my interest. Mostly from the Snapchat dick pics.

Wake up with the sun. Read a book on my comfortable red couch. Eat Eggs Benedict and bacon for brunch with someone who has my heart. Come home, have sex, and take a nap. Wake up, get a hot shave and massage, meet with friends for dinner. Headline a show packed with thousands of audience members who are there to see me. After the show, go home, walk outside naked under the full moon, and fly away. Because I’d have superpowers.

I don’t know if I could choose one favorite moment and one ridiculous moment. Just the idea that I can get on stage and entertain people, and that I’m not too bad at it – that’s amazing and ridiculous all at once. And as I progress and gain more experience, each new moment becomes my new favorite.

Nobody’s. Ever. But if we were to try to look at it in a more innocent “Love Potion #9” or “Funky Cold Medina” type of way, Ke$ha.

NOTICE ME AND LOVE ME, MY GLITTERY QUEEN!

Stacy asked: If you had/have a Bucket List, what song would you want playing when you do THE NUMBER ONE BUCKETY THING OF YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

I would imagine that if I was going to do something so amazing that it was the number one buckety thing, it would probably take longer than three minutes, so I think I’d need a soundtrack. For your listening pleasure:

I’ve never had any experiences like that. I’ve seen some profiles that made me question humanity, and I’ve been out with a few people who were a little crazy, but I have never had a seriously unpleasant moment that I can recall. The reason is probably that I’m so picky that I don’t bother talking to almost anyone.

I think that marketing decision was made by the same person behind Crystal Pepsi, the McDLT, and the Nintendo Power Glove. Short answer: most executives are fucking idiots who move up from middle management because there’s nowhere else for them to go.

Will asked: What is your most beautiful memory (and no cop-outs like wedding days and babies being born)?

Standing on stage, basking in laughter from the audience. I’ve been married and it doesn’t even compare.

Catherine asked: What was your process and timeline for writing and publishing a book? What advice would you give to those wishing to accomplish this endeavor?

Self-publishing is one of the best options for writers. You can make more money, use social media to market yourself, and realize success in a significantly faster way.

The first suggestion is to stop worrying about publishing your book. Just write it. Write and write and write and write, and then edit and edit and edit and edit. Give yourself a daily writing goal, whether it’s 500 words or 5,000.

Only after you’ve managed to finish and you finally have a work that is worthy of being published should you think about that final step. Then decide what path to take – if you use Amazon’s self-publishing tools, prepare to have some frustration with making sure your book will look good in all formats, but once you optimize it, it’s a piece of cake after that.

Feel free to email me with any questions or if you want to talk further about it!

Brandon asked: Why does it burn (only while urinating) when I accidentally get soap in my urethra?

Because much like mixing ammonia and bleach creates mustard gas, mixing urine and soap creates a flammable super pee that is like napalm. If you get soap in your urethra and you pee in direct sunlight, you will turn into the human firepisser. And since I am a doctor, you can rest assured that absolutely none of this is true.

Cherie asked: If you could live in any other country, which one and why?

What a great final question! I love Canada, but I think it would be too cold. I would enjoy Ireland for a little while, especially with the prevalence of pale freckled women. But then I’d get bored, and I couldn’t imagine living in England for too long because I’d max out on ASBOs (Anti-Social Behavior Orders) and probably end up in prison. I’m Italian as well as Irish, so Italy would be nice to visit, but I can’t see living there. I think it, along with so much of Europe, is about ten years behind the US, and I don’t think the US is even advanced enough. I’d be a giant in Japan, and I do speak a little Japanese, so that could be an amazing place to live, and I’ve always wanted to live in Australia because it fascinates me. There are so many countries that I’ve never visited that might have appeal to me, too. Who knows what adventures would lie in Africa, Central America, or elsewhere?

So, to answer your question of which country I’d like to live in and why, I’d have to say that I have no fucking idea. I guess I’d better start traveling and get some international exposure!

And that’s it! 70 questions and answers covering topics from divorce to sex to comedy to philosophy to everything else under the sun. Thank you to everyone who participated, and stay tuned tomorrow for my TMI Birthday Recap Post! Until then: