Bailing Out the Porn Industry is Viagra for the Economy

Here in the over-sexed but not wanton offices of the Curmudgeon, we are, all of us, open minded about such things as pornography when it’s by, of, and for adults. We have a “whatever floats your boat,” or “blows up your skirt,” outlook, believing that whatever adults choose to do in the privacy of their own homes is okey-doke with us.

That’s not to say we all sit around watching porn together, which would just be weird (but lots of fun.) I’m sure a couple of the gals down the hall have watched some sexy celluloid with their boyfriends or at pajama parties or wherever it is gals do these things. And then there’s that guy who comes into my office on his hands and knees, fiddles around under my desk, and then crawls back out again. He never touched me, I swear. I asked someone who he is once and was told he is the IT guy, just doing his job, making sure our computers and connections are all working properly. You know he watches porn, and probably has figured out a way to get on all the pay sites for free, which I think is a computer geek requirement.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if the French guy, Jacques (pronounced zhah-kweez) has actually performed admirably in a couple. Naturally, Suzie from Indiana is exempt, since in all her corn-fed, fresh-faced innocence, still thinks we come from storks.

Was It Good For Me?

No. This is for everybody else. Those who think porn is bad and dirty and sends you straight to hell (of course they have to watch it to know just how bad and dirty and damnable it is, but that’s beside the point.) Well I am here to tell them that not only is this not so, but that it is actually a good thing, and that a U.S. Government bailout of the Porn Industry would be a smart move, and in fact will stimulate and lift our economy, firm our resolve, stiffen our upper lip, lubricate commerce, satiate our hungry banking industry, and cause such an orgiastic release of our collective tensions that we’ll all be reaching for the metaphorical cigarette of peace and contentedness.

Seriously. Think about it. Studies have shown over and over (and again, and again, and again) that orgasm is an ultra-healthy release of harmful tensions and anxiety, good for the mind and the body, and what causes more tension than a depression? Unemployment, bankruptcies, heating expenses, food costs, medical care…awwww…it’s enough to make you dig up the old collection of 8mm stag movies that you haven’t seen since you got married.

So don’t let the porn movie go the way of the dildo…er…Dodo. Don’t let the lifestyles of the porn stars go flat. Don’t let the producers want for hot-tub cleaning supplies (do you realize how many gooey scenes they shoot in those hot tubs?). What did the banking industry ever do for you besides charge you exhorbitant usury fees? What did the automobile industry ever do, other than charge you too much for their products which break down constantly and gulp expensive fuel?

Your DVD of Hairy Plotter and the Order of the Phallus never gave you an overdraft charge, and The Curious Case of Benjamin’s Butt actually does run on electricity, so don’t tell me those industry’s are worthy of a government bail-out and porn is not. Your reasoning does not hold a big wad of truth. Bailing out porn would be like Viagra for the economy.

You Put Your Tongue Where?

OK, this has all been tongue in cheeks, but it seems to me as though these companies are in trouble because they have conducted their businesses stupidly. The porn industry will survive in spite of the government as it has always done, as will the entertainment industry in general, since in a depression people seek the fantasy and relief that movies offer.

This, at least, is a fact: Susie really does think we come from storks, and for all I know she may be right.