Horoscopes: September 2017

September 6, 2017

Hi. I took the summer off blogging, I suppose. Partly because I had some work on (everyone go see CASA Festival), partly because I was attacked by mosquitoes. Possibly just one mosquito. I’m not sure, I just know there were multiple bites and my body freaked out and everything got itchy and inflamed.

I find it hard to differentiate between different mosquitoes, you know? You’ve seen one mosquito you’ve seen ’em all, that’s my take on mosquito diversity. Sorry if you’re a mosquito reading this and I’ve just offended your people, but at the same time I’m not sorry because it’s my blood and you don’t have any right to just break into my house and steal it. If I’m going to be attacked by a blood sucking monster in the night, I’m choosing to save myself for Dracula.

That would be a fantastic name for a new brand of mosquito repellents, wouldn’t it? “Saving Myself For Dracula – now in a handy miniature spray bottle!”

The worst thing about the already horrific nights filled with mosquito bites and terror is when your period shows up. Will this attract even more mosquitoes to your bed chamber? Are mosquitoes like bears and sharks – ready to hunt your arse for the sin of not being pregnant?

Anyway, you came here for horoscopes and I’m already late for that, so I’ll shut up with the mosquito chat.

AriesMarch 21 – April 19

You will have your headphones in and then someone important will find you dancing. Alone. To that embarrassing song from your youth. Which they will hear because you bought the cheap headphones.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20

You will see yellow eyes peering out at you from deep inside your wardrobe. Could be an owl. Could be a cat. Could be those weird boots with the shiny yellow bits you bought on a drunk ASOS binge a couple of weeks ago. Could be a cat that’s just pooped in your new weird boots. There’s no good answer here.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21

You will have one of those snuggly, happy sleeps. One where the waking up process happens slowly and you can feel the little furry beast snuggling into your chest. You assume it’s a puppy or a teddy bear or a man friend – whichever one of those makes the most sense to your usual sleep routine. You open your eyes. It’s a fox. You’re in a skip. Best sleep of your life, though.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22

You will read that thing you’ve been meaning to read and never got time to read until now. It will be ultimately disappointing, but at least you can take part in all the conversations and, I don’t know, make some memes or something. Start a blog about how the thing is overrated. Get together a community of like-minded, disappointed readers. March on parliament. Take power. Become a tyrannical dictator. Ban the thing. Realise that you were never the kind of person to endorse the banning of books. Instead, you make reading the thing compulsory and your small country becomes united in lively book chat. It’s a big month for you.

Leo
July 23 – August 22

You decide to create your own year-round lavender field. Choose one room of your house, spray paint everything purple, then spray lavender air freshener everywhere. Keep doing this until someone stages an intervention and you are taken to a secure facility for a few days “observation”. The key is to look good while doing this, thus creating a whole new genre of “Instagram model” and maybe make a few quid in air freshener ad sponsorship.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22

You will have photos taken of you. Really, really nice photos. Best photos of you, ever. You share them. Someone notices something funny in the background that looks a bit like a penis and that’s all anyone can see. Basically, you’ve been inadvertently sending everyone dick pics.

Libra
September 23 – October 22

You will eat a green potato and turn into a superhero that fights environmental crime. Unfortunately, Captain Planet gets pissed that you are infringing on his patch, resulting in a nasty social media fight that Taylor Swift somehow involves herself in. You sit patiently waiting for a song to come out about it.

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21

You will start a lucrative business writing intriguing opening sentences for novels. Buoyed by this success, you will start a less than lucrative business selling second and third sentences for novels. Then you will join all the sentences you’ve written together into one big novel that you sell on Amazon. It gets a four star review from Pete, the guy with the matted hair you sometimes see hanging around outside the pub.

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21

You know those old man pants? The ones with the zipper that seems to go on forever and they end somewhere around your armpits? And they’re that weird shade of brown? Well, you got a new LOOK.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19

You will ride the train without paying. You will spend the entire journey wondering if that knot in your stomach is the thrill of rebellion or the terror of being caught. It’s actually a dodgy pasty you ate earlier.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18

The noisiest thing in your life is a fan. If you are talented this will be a person who loves your work and tells everyone to worship you and throw money at you. If you are not this will be a mechanical piece of crap that promises to keep you cool but really just keeps you guessing as to when it’s going to completely fall apart and let its spinning blade fly off at high-speed and probably decapitate you. Or give you a nasty leg welt. At least that will be a break from its incessant whining.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20

You suspect that a crow is stalking you because you found out about his illicit paramour. Terrified, you refuse to leave the house unless accompanied by a vicious dog, or at the very least a highly strung cat. Long story short, your wild animal companion ends up eating the paramour and you have to flee the country for a while.