The Dark Side of Self-Loathing and Insecurity—and How to Avoid It

At the Huffington Post, Dr. Joseph Nowinski offers a penetrating analysis of the insecure man, writing that while dating such a man may seem appealing, especially following experiences with a narcissist, there are serious drawbacks as well, especially if the insecure man "turns" on his partner and starts criticizing her, abusing her, or trying to restrict her freedom. There are obvious similarities here with my own posts on self-loathing; in one post I focused on the drawbacks with dating a self-loather (man or woman), but they were much more benign, having to do with rejecting help rather than inflicting harm.

What accounts for the difference in what Dr. Nowinski and I wrote? Certainly, insecurity and self-loathing are not identical, and there is much room for variation within each one. But for the purposes of examining their effects on relationships I think they can be considered very similar: each involves a person feeling inadequate or unsure about some aspects of him- or herself, specifically as it relates to or affects his or her romantic relationship. In this aspect I think they can considered to be the same (or, at least, largely overlapping).

If my vision of self-loathing and Dr. Nowinski's vision of insecurity cash out the same way in terms of relationships, then what explains the difference in how the two of us see these relationships playing out? Mind you, Dr. Nowinski does not predict dire consequences for all relationships with insecure people, being very clear that insecurity "is not an all-or-none thing." But his position is that the success of the relationship depends on the level of insecurity: some people are too insecure to maintain a relationship, while others with milder insecurity may be fine. While I agree that the intensity of the problem certainly plays a role in the likelihood of a happy relationship, I would add that this likelihood also depends on how the insecure person (or self-loather) deals with his or her problem—and this, I think, explains the difference in how Dr. Nowinski and I describe the issues involved.

Let's take Dr. Nowinski's example of Grace and Adam: Adam is described as a classic underachiever, "shy and quiet," but was eager for a relationship with Grace and willing to be faithful to her. But after six months, he began criticizing her clothing choices, abusing her verbally, and trying to stop her from socializing with friends or even being in a different room from him. Several commenters to my posts on self-loathing have described similar behaviors with their own partners, but I have not touched on anything like this in my posts on the topic. Why not?

In terms of the different problems that arise in such relationships, consider two ways the self-loathing or insecure person can deal with his or her particular issues: use your partner to raise you up, or pull your partner down to your level. There are ethical issues with both options, because to some extent you are using the other person to make yourself feel better, while possibly not fully appreciating him or her as a person deserving of care and respect. In other words, both behaviors focus on you and not on the other person, who should be an equal partner in the relationship, regardless of your feelings toward yourself.

However, I think there is still a important difference here: using the other person to raise you up is done in the spirit of self-improvement and admiration for the other person, and is something the other person would likely agree to (especially assuming that he or she does not agree with your low opinion of yourself). But dragging the other person down to your level is neither done in a positive spirit nor something the other person would ever agree to (unless he or she is insecure also). In this case, you are clearly using the other person as a means to making yourself feel better, but "better" in a purely relative sense, not absolute—you only feel better about yourself insofar as you made your partner feel worse.

Is a person with more severe feelings of inadequacy more likely to express them negatively toward his or her partner? Perhaps, if your capacity to maintain concern and respect for others is drawn from the same well as your (limited) capacity to maintain the same attitudes toward yourself; or if you see success in life as a zero-sum game in which you can only rise if another falls; or if you feel your lack of achievement can be blamed on others and therefore others should suffer for it. But if your self-loathing or insecurity stems from a deep-seated feeling that everyone else is "better" than you by nature, then you would be more likely to see others as examples to live up to. And if you have to chance at a relationship with someone you see as having superior qualities, you would want to benefit from them rather than resent or inihibit them. Little of this depends on the intensity of the self-loathing or insecurity, but rather on your attitudes toward other people in light of them.

That still leaves plenty of room for problems in the relationship, as I detailed in the earlier post, but they deal more with the self-loather's internalization of his or her own issues rather than outward (negative) expression of them. I think Dr. Nowinski and I are describing people with similar problems but who are dealing with them in completely opposite ways, which reflect different levels of respect and concern for their partners. In short, people suffering from self-loathing or insecurity have real issues which deserve sympathy and compassion, but which do not justify projecting or imposing them on other people, in particular their romantic partners—ironically, those who are most likely to extend the sympathy and compassion most needed in these situations.

----------

For a list of my previous Psychology Today posts on self-loathing (and other topics), see here.

I strive for equality. 1 equals 1. When I detect someone playing 1 equals zero (I'm better than you) I use my high powered intellect to even the score. I up the ante plus 2. Two tits for one tat. If their strategy really pissed me off then I'll increase the voltage. I will dominate. People don't stay on pedestals long around me unless I respect them enough to put them there. I like balanced equations. I like competent people. Emotional Roller coasters and poor decisions suck in my universe.

I hear what you're saying there Kelly but it comes across as extremely harsh! Who are you to knock people off of their self imposed pedestals? It's like fighting fire with fire. I'm learning that people who act like they're better than you are just weak so knocking them down isn't going to do anybody any good.

The question that pops up for me is from where and when does this self-loathing originate? From childhood neglect or abuse? Many new relationship "experts" seem to suggest we attract those in whom we see something familiar or similar - and it seems likely to me that an insecure/self-loathing person may attract another suffering from the same affliction. In this regard one could become the abuser and the other the abusee. Emotionally healthy or secure individuals may not be either attracted to someone with these needs or have a very high tolerance for them.

...I prefer to think of it as controlling your actions rather than your emotions. Self-loathing people may or may not be able to control their feelings of inadequacy, but they should be able to control their actions based on them. If they can't, then the problems are much more serious than self-loathing alone.

My comment comes from personal experience. I spent 16 years in a relationship where I was constantly emotionally trying to support the other person. He had the drive and charisma to do just about anything he set his mind to, but he felt that he was a failure and was afraid to go for what he wanted. After 12 years of that type of relationship, taking care of his emotional needs I was completely drained and was seeking help for depression. Another 4 years and he felt that I didn't love him enough thus we are now divorced. Being free of that emotional support of him has been absolutely eye-opening. I have come to realize that while he had issues that I would NEVER be able to help with, I was only encouraging his behavior by not setting my own boundaries and taking care of myself emotionally. My thoughts on all of this is that being in a relationship with an insecure person is not necessarily a bad thing and does not mean that it's doomed to failure or worse. However, for the relationship to survive and thrive both people need to respect each other AND themselves. They both need to be willing to set boundaries and understand that in order to be partners they need to be able to take care of their own needs, not rely on the other person to do so.

Hi, I have been in a relationship for about 3 months, and since the beginning I soon began to notice my own insecurity. It was very scary and made me very, very emotional, and I couldn't explain the feelings. It came from my fear of doing something wrong, like she would move to someone else, that I would not be good enough or something, millions of reasons have popped up...
In my case my girlfriend doesn't affirm or emotionally support me all the time, of course she tries to and does, but it never feels enough somehow. Also she has more of an 'the 2 of us have their own lives' attitude.
Meaning that we both should still be wanting to do what we want to do regardless of each other, and she can't decide it for me... In this way I don't get the constant reassurance and affirmation I so desperetaly crave/craved. I think I had this view of a relationship that everything (all my negative insecuriteis) would go away magically because I'd get support in everything by my partner. I have been beginning to see that, that is unhealthy. I can not let my happiness depend on her, it is not fair, and totally demanding and unrealistic that one can fulfil or meet you on every emotional whim.
I have learned to look to myself and address my thought and emotions and analyse them as they come, they almost always come from my own insecurity, and I would indeed project it on her as if she would fail my 'need' for reassurance.
Anyway right now I'm trying to focus on making my own happiness and not depending on seeing her to make me feel good and so on. And also trying to go in situations where she meets other people and friends, so I get used to her meeting other people, so I can get used to it and try to get rid of that jealous or possesive feeling... because I do want her to be the way she is, I fell in love with her for who she is, I don't want to change her. She really likes me and we have a great time being together, but somehow my insecurities make me lose sight of reality. Ruminating about what might happen, or what if, and so on... Trying to get rid of that and seeing the reality more..

Sorry for the long post, thought I'd share, don't know if it makes sense, maybe it can help to see the 'insecure' side
Feel free to comment

I understand where you're coming from. My relationship is further along than yours, but in the beginning, I noticed that my fiance was the insecure one. Now the tables have turned and I notice it only within myself. I no longer see it in him, but I also go through the rumination process until I can get my mind on something else. It never completely goes away [the insecurity] something will push the negative thoughts back into view again. They hide when things are going well [meaning I don't perceive any imagined threats]

Hi there. I am so glad to read your comment because I'm going through the same thing. This person that I like also doesn't like to tell me what to do and I have always longed for someone I like to at least give me a direction in my life of what to do and how.

Although I do not show my jealousy but I do wonder and sometimes even fear about him spending too much time with the opposite sex. I am FULLY aware of all my insecurities from the start and refused to act on them so I would tell him to do whatever that makes him happy and I do not forbid him to meet or even stay with friends of the opposite sex on his travels and things like that.

I guess although I have my insecurities, I do want him to be exposed to all possibilities of falling for another person of the opposite sex because I feel that if he were to easily like someone else, I guess I should let it go and its not worth being with this person and I have to learn to be confident in who I am.

Just like you, I also yearn for consistent assurance from this guy but he does not seem to be the type to give it to me all the time. He is more of a 'you should trust in me' and 'I don't want to tell you what to do' kind of person. I think most men fall into this category anyways.

I wonder if Mark would do a blog on this. About how to deal with not having the assurance you need from your partner.

I recently had an experience - well months ago now - in which I felt very extreme emotions right at the beginning (within the first month), that I'd never felt before. Looking back, I must be mildly insecure in relationships, but never to the extent that it has ever been a problem for either myself or the other person (I noticed the occasional irrational thought but was able to label it as irrational and move on and never experienced jealousy etc.) This time, it came after four years in a very unvalidating relationship, then a whole load of very damaging criticism from my family.

The experience came on extremely quickly - I went from feeling completely normal and unattached to feeling completely out of control and very attached within four days of having been ignored regarding a message offering to take him for dinner. After four days, I realised it wasn't going to happen and was FURIOUS and in extraordinary pain, which made no sense whatsoever at the time because I hadn't made my own mind up about the guy. I just felt that really he should have replied to say no. I felt like I was out of control but was telling myself to leave it and see how I feel in 24 hours before sending some kind of vitriolic text. Later that night I got a message from him responding to a 'chasing up' message I had sent earlier that day and felt less angry but very shaken from the experience. From then on, I just couldn't be myself, made myself increasingly anxious, he didn't help by being essentially critical and discompassionate, and crashed completely into the most unbearable pain for over two months (not helped by the fact I blamed myself entirely for it being called off instead of noting that actually he wasn't very nice to me at all). The feeling of having failed at something I had always been good at - dating - something I considered to be a very simplistic task, completely floored me. But at the time, all I felt was horrific pain with no explanation. I spent months LOOKING for an explanation as to why I felt so bad, because I didn't think it could possibly be connected to the situation I had been in it was so out of proportion.

I really hope you started to feel better. I haven't been in that place for an extended period whilst in a relationship before but it must be absolutely horrendous for you.

Yeah, the negative thoughts seem to keep popping up, I'm choosing not to give much belief to them, and focus on the good. And how I have been thinking negative thoughts and they were never founded, and I reckognise more and more that it is coming from my own insecurities. I'm choosing to trust, and focus on my self more, trying to be independent and happy, you are who you are, you don't need anyone to make you feel more sure about yourself... And then you can reckonise that someone likes/loves you for who you are, I guess I still can't believe it... And if something bad happens, deal with it when it happens, but live now... You are yourself and you will overcome..
easier said than done

It's hard to separate the general effect of self-loathing from other personality attributes by looking at a single person. Feeling insecure can be a result of being in a relationship with someone who isn't trustworthy, or someone who belittles you. It seems logical that someone who belittles themselves will have a weakness for criticizing others, but on the other hand someone who belittles themselves may put others on a pedestal.

I see shades of my own behavior in the "bringing them down" scenario.
I was in my mid-twenties, had just moved in with my boyfriend, and we were dealing with the transition in our own ways. I dealt with it by tiptoeing around my feelings of frustration and, yes, insecurity. (Abandonment, even, as he could barely stand to be around me once I became someone to whom he had a responsibility.) He dealt with it by withdrawing emotionally and, almost immediately, starting up a lot of secret relationships outside of ours.
Once this all came to light, I spent the majority of the remainder of our relationship trying to keep our problems on the table, and he responded by trying to push them back under the rug & getting on with his life. I see now that, in a big way, I was trying to keep him as miserable as me. I felt offended, wondered how he could be happy when the issues had not been resolved and were getting worse. If I'd been able to frame the situation that way, that I was purposely trying to bring him down to my level, I'd have gotten out far sooner. And, in fact, I wasn't strong enough to abandon the relationship until I started doing what I needed to do to get on with my own life.

Wow EJ that is kind of what happened to do. What did you need to do with your own life? I did that same mistake - if I was sad, I'd show it and unconsciously tried to make him feel what I feel too, which is wrong. So what happened to the both of you in the end and where are you in your life right now?

It seems to me that the difference between yours and Dr. Nowinski's take on the matter is the level of narcissism in the self-loathing or insecure person. When you describe self-loathing, it sounds very much to me like what I've learned of having an insecure attachment style (which is set in infancy).

I've always looked to the thought of a future relationship in which I would find a secure attachment as the holy grail, so to speak. So, it's taken me aback to think that this would be an ongoing thing. I just read a comment on your most recent post Hypersensitivity Cuts Both Ways about the woman's husband who continues to be self-loathing after reassurances of love and emotional security (I assume), and I see myself in all of that, too. That scares the shit out of me!

I've learned, however, (at least when it comes to attachment) that there is such a thing as an "earned secure", which makes me think that there is hope for self-doubters, self-haters. I've been told that it is difficult and often a long process to become an earned secure, but I think that those who are lower on [unhealthy] narcissism would have the insight and sensitivity to get there. And, oddly, from personal experience, I think that it actually starts with building [healthy] self-confidence and boundaries (which probably sounds ridiculously cheesy), but I've been earning small steps of self-respect with it.