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Prime Mover on "Cameron Threatens Europe"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=94760#post-274651
Mon, 09 Nov 2015 20:02:55 +0000Prime Mover274651@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Pull out of Europe? What, before he's come, like?
</p>Sinnick on "Cameron Threatens Europe"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=94760#post-274615
Mon, 09 Nov 2015 13:15:05 +0000Sinnick274615@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Oh, we got a NiB ! I hadn't intended any more than just suggesting a couple of gags. Thanks to Ed splicing the various fragments together
</p>Wrenfoe on "Cameron Threatens Europe"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=94760#post-274549
Sun, 08 Nov 2015 11:20:36 +0000Wrenfoe274549@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Agreed.</p>
<p>Starz.
</p>Sinnick on "Cameron Threatens Europe"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=94760#post-274548
Sun, 08 Nov 2015 11:15:33 +0000Sinnick274548@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Nice, but needs expanding</p>
<p>Maybe there should be a referendum, but only if the Commons votes for a referendum, and then only if the Cabinet wants a Commons vote on whether there should be a referendum, but only if he wants the Cabinet to request a Commons vote ...</p>
<p>And that should be decided just after the Chilcott report (better punchline ?)
</p>ionb on "Cameron Threatens Europe"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=94760#post-274540
Sun, 08 Nov 2015 09:28:19 +0000ionb274540@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Cameron today announce that if the EU don't listen to him then he may get very angry and may probably, if he feels like it, pull of out of Europe. But first he'll have to ask his party on which half wants in and which half wants out.</p>
<p>Once he's done the hokey-cokey he'll then really have a stern word, maybe, with Angela; but only if she's available.</p>
<p>Finally, maybe in 2016, or it could be 2017, he'll come up with some potential, possible demands from the EU, mutter something about sovereignty, and really force his position depending upon many factors.</p>
<p>"That'll show them!" said a very decisive Cameron, "They won't like it up them!"
</p>Ivan_Edwards on "Swarm of migrants “destroying” Greek holiday island"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=92212#post-267063
Sun, 16 Aug 2015 19:08:21 +0000Ivan_Edwards267063@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>A swarm of migrants is threatening to "destroy" the Greek island of Kos, EU leaders have warned, as thousands of British people flood into the holiday paradise.</p>
<p>And there are fears that the authorities in Kos could lose control of the situation, as ever more sunburnt families, students and stag dos migrate to the island, in what locals are calling an “invasion”.</p>
<p>Local fisherman Stathis Giannopolous fears that his way of life could be under threat by the tide of migrants. “This used to be a peaceful island where I could make a decent living from fishing, just like my father and grandfather used to. But since these migrants came over here, dumping beer cans and plastic bags in the sea and listening to shit dance music, there have been no fish to catch and I’m struggling to make ends meet”, he said.</p>
<p>“The migrants have taken my job”, he added.</p>
<p>And the migrants, who pay people traffickers up to £32.99 to be brought to Kos, could soon overrun local police and health services, paid for by hardworking Greek taxpayers. “They come over here just to claim free healthcare for when they need their stomachs pumped at 4 in the morning. All at the expense of Joe Muggins here”, lamented taxi driver Stelios Constantinos. “I’d shoot the bastards, but it would probably go against petty EU law and their poxy ‘Yuman Rights’.”</p>
<p>The Greek government has been warned that the plague of migrants can’t go on for ever, as tensions between the British and the locals inevitably boil over into drunken fights outside nightclubs.</p>
<p>But some have expressed sympathy with the migrants’ motives. “These migrants are only trying to improve their lives by coming to Kos, working very hard to get here, and we should respect that,”, said 16-year-old Abu al-Said, who left his home and family to escape the civil war and lifetime of poverty in his homeland of Libya to come to Kos.
</p>Booker Prize Winner on "E.U. Negotiations to Start 'Making Your Mind Up'"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=89647#post-259300
Sun, 24 May 2015 12:49:14 +0000Booker Prize Winner259300@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>David Cameron is today set to meet with E.U. Ministers at the beginning of a process of international negotiations, amid pressure from the right of his party to get Britain out of Eurovision.<br />
The series of talks, aimed at getting a better deal for the United Kingdom from the traditional song contest system, will trigger an in-out referendum on whether to continue exporting manufactured pop to the Eurozone, or to go solo and find something else to do on one Saturday night each year, that we might be better at.<br />
"What I would say is that we need to make sure that Eurovision delivers for British pop, so that working families of soap opera stars from five years ago and Big Brother contestants so unpopular that they get evicted in the second week can encourage their children to queue up for seventeen hours outside the X Factor regional first-round trials heats, in the knowledge that they can hope to be performing on a level playing stage with an elected committee of Songstresses with dress cleavages designed to be reminiscent of the English Channel with nipple-tape instead of the Chunnel termini, and the Latvian Wheelchair Basketball Team rap" said the prosciutto-faced politician.<br />
The Prime Minister is in a difficult position between tight-suited Euromusic Bureaucrats and Tory grey-suited Elgar groupies, with many commentators likening him to being 'Like a Puppet on a String'. Many Eurovision sceptics in the Conservative Party contend that British levels of funding to the EBU does not sing in tune to the music, ever since download sales were included in the figures counted toward the charts, meaning that the top ten can recycle old Kylie singles now that Australia is in Europe, and relight my fire of used Take That hits.<br />
The recent crisis of radio-play migrants having to be rescued from the Sea of Mediocrity has led to the rise in popularity of EUKIP, which gained nearly four million votes for this year's British hopeful Nigella Farage with his song 'Un Point'. The official government policy is that the band will only split up if musical differences over trade deals cannot be resolved by sensible dialogue accompanied by a really good, catchy tune and a lively poppy riff. The opening lyrics and epileptic-fit inducing flashing lights begin between EU Commission sex-symbol Jean-Claude Juncker and the artist formerly known as Dave, now that the show is over and the PM has won the vote to evict, being able at last to expel backing singer Nick Clegg from the act, since he's not as good-looking as he used to be.<br />
The result of the General Election was largely influenced by the opposition party Labour leader failing to convince the electorate to ‘Hold Me Now’, while the Scottish National Party enjoyed a big swing with their promise to have a ‘Boom-Bang-A-Bang’ explosive effect on the Westminster Parliament. The Green Party asked the country to ‘Save Your Kisses For Me’, so that they could be composted and used to grow healthy organic vegetables.<br />
Meanwhile, Ireland has held a referendum on whether Song Contest winners ought to be allowed to marry, and has overwhelmingly elected that transgender metrosexuals can in future be legally solemnized, on condition that the dominant entrant has to host next time.
</p>Skylarking on "'Peppa Pig EU propaganda' Farrage opens truth flaps again"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=88238#post-255698
Mon, 13 Apr 2015 19:50:33 +0000Skylarking255698@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Pleasure Mr Bahn. 'Fact Teflon' and 'truth flaps' are worthy of Chris Morris. Hope you are able to keep the quirkiness within the constraints of NB and it is fine and refreshing.
</p>S-Bahn on "'Peppa Pig EU propaganda' Farrage opens truth flaps again"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=88238#post-255686
Mon, 13 Apr 2015 17:05:59 +0000S-Bahn255686@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Front page, awesome. Thanks guys! </p>
<p>And thank you for the feeback.
</p>Squudge on "'Peppa Pig EU propaganda' Farrage opens truth flaps again"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=88238#post-255605
Sun, 12 Apr 2015 06:54:59 +0000Squudge255605@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Congratulations on an excellent front page. </p>
<p>Nigel is a delightful subject, n'cest pas?
</p>Skylarking on "'Peppa Pig EU propaganda' Farrage opens truth flaps again"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=88238#post-255410
Thu, 09 Apr 2015 22:01:56 +0000Skylarking255410@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Me too. My only concern is that letting the surreal nature of your writing spill over into the format. It needs to sound, at least superficially, like a news story. However barking mad the premise is, it needs to be written in that style.</p>
<p> In other words, conform to a few basic rules of a 'news story' (eg. Headline written in style of a real headline even when it's barking mad. Don't openly insult the butt of the joke too much.)<br />
I really like this, but it kinda needs to have half a foot on planet earth stylistically to work on Newsbiscuit.
</p>FlashArry on "'Peppa Pig EU propaganda' Farrage opens truth flaps again"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=88238#post-255406
Thu, 09 Apr 2015 21:26:27 +0000FlashArry255406@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Agreed - nice post, like the ranty whimsicalness of the whole piece : genius Blyton reference.
</p>Skylarking on "'Peppa Pig EU propaganda' Farrage opens truth flaps again"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=88238#post-255273
Wed, 08 Apr 2015 21:21:46 +0000Skylarking255273@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>'Fact Teflon' alone deserves stars...
</p>S-Bahn on "'Peppa Pig EU propaganda' Farrage opens truth flaps again"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=88238#post-255213
Wed, 08 Apr 2015 13:16:47 +0000S-Bahn255213@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Pint-botherer and fact Teflon Nigel Farrage once again gives voice to the unspoken thoughts of the majority by claiming children’s television is being infiltrated by EU-propaganda.</p>
<p>“Our children are being brainwashed. They don’t have a chance; by the time their old enough to vote they’ve grow up thinking it’s perfectly normal to know what halloumi is”.</p>
<p>“Consider Peppa Pig. Zebras, pigs and wolves, consorting together in a promiscuous bacchanal of inclusivity; it’s clearly a thinly veiled metaphor for a single European currency. And that French gazelle, she works as a teacher at the playgroup now, but when she finally gets bored of doing an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay, who do you thinks going to be paying for her to sit on her backside all day, eating cheese and cheating at Sudoku? That’s right, us, the British Mug-ernment”</p>
<p>In response to this imaginary onslaught of continental grooming, Farrage has announced plans to release his own series of children’s books about a muscular albino Bulldog, Brunel, and his plucky girl-guide sidekick. Each issue they have a different adventure which they must overcome through ingenuity, common sense and patriotic distain of outside regulation.</p>
<p>“In the first volume the duo must rescue someone’s grandpa from a cave-in at a nursing home, only to discover that structural instability is the inevitable, tragic result of hiring undocumented Romanian labourers. There’s also a sub-plot about a Brussels’ conspiracy to rename Yorkshire puddings ‘Bruges son Poudin’”.</p>
<p>“As a bonus, we’re including an eye-spy chart of foreign nationals at the back. You fill it in each time you see one on the welfare system, along with dates, times and locations; complete it and send it back to UKIP headquarters and we’ll send you a statuette of Churchill holding a smaller statuette of Churchill. It’s an excellent opportunity for parent-child bonding as well as educating them about bratwurst-munching scroungers in a safe environment”. </p>
<p>Experts have identified a number of similarities between Farrage’s proposed juvenile truth bombs and the Famous Five novels, most notably the compulsion to attribute literally every the crime committed in the UK to the machinations of swarthy foreigners. Authorities expect the justice of Enid Blyton’s estate will be both swift and bloody, should Farrage ever find a publisher whose sense of impending financial doom outweighs the threat of catastrophic professional embarrassment.
</p>PaulHorrox2 on "Germany denies invasion of Greece imminent"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87775#post-253791
Tue, 24 Mar 2015 13:04:06 +0000PaulHorrox2253791@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Despite unconfirmed evidenced, the Chancellor of Greater Germany (also know as the EU)Angela Merkel denied that the seizing of sunbeds in major resorts was in anyway related to the Greek Debt Crisis. She later added that unless the Greek government ceased all provocative acts against the legitimate claims of the EU for Liebenstraum they would have no option but to act.
</p>bobski on "UKIP vows to repeal Child Labour laws"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87351#post-252737
Fri, 13 Mar 2015 23:06:35 +0000bobski252737@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Rather oddly, someone on Twitter has criticised me for this post - accusing me of peddling anti UKIP lies and simply making stuff up. Errr ......
</p>Renrag on "UKIP vows to repeal Child Labour laws"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87351#post-252725
Fri, 13 Mar 2015 17:49:35 +0000Renrag252725@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Looking at the photo on front page, Ithink a follow-up appropriate. It should point out that Nigel is the love-child of the late Martha Ray, of the unbelievably enormous mouth.
</p>CulchaVulcha on "UKIP vows to repeal Child Labour laws"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87351#post-252688
Fri, 13 Mar 2015 13:29:56 +0000CulchaVulcha252688@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>very good
</p>bobski on "UKIP vows to repeal Child Labour laws"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87351#post-252642
Thu, 12 Mar 2015 23:30:57 +0000bobski252642@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>I've rejigged it a bit - is this better?</p>
<p>Cheers
</p>Crayon on "UKIP vows to repeal Child Labour laws"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87351#post-252640
Thu, 12 Mar 2015 22:53:39 +0000Crayon252640@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Good one. Although it would be a smoother read if you break up that huge middle paragraph into two or three, and maybe don't have it all as quotation.
</p>bobski on "UKIP vows to repeal Child Labour laws"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87351#post-252621
Thu, 12 Mar 2015 19:35:57 +0000bobski252621@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>In an unexpected and unprecedented announcement, Nigel Farage has let slip UKIP's plans to repeal what it called restrictive and outdated labour laws relating to the employment of children. </p>
<p>"These laws were introduced over 200 years ago when children were younger and smaller and unable to use many of the technologies now available," said Mr Farage. "Children were generally paid only 10% of the adult wage and the prohibition of this cheap employment has denied many British working families the ability to supplement their incomes. At the same time it has encouraged many European migrants to move to Britain to fill the gaps left."</p>
<p>In what many considered an attempt to steal the Liberal Democrat student vote he raised the thorny issue of student loans. </p>
<p>"Many British children are forced to remain in education well into their twenties, incurring unnecessary and burdensome student debts. Allowing children back into the workplace from the age of three, will boost the incomes of many low paid families, reduce the welfare bill and give the educational system a breathing space." </p>
<p>"Not allowing child labour is one of those barmy laws introduced by the EU to encourage Romanians to come to Britain. The establishment pay for their children to attend schools such as Eton in order that they can get ahead of other children, who simply attend the local comprehensive with every other Tyler and Jaiden. Then when Tyler and Jaiden leave school they are competing on an unfair playing field against Pavel and Fatima, who have been working for years and have a huge experiential advantage. The sooner we leave the EU the better for our children."</p>
<p>When asked whether his children would remain at their expensive public school or start work at a local sweat shop he answered, "Of course not. They're German."
</p>I Never Said That on "EU ruling on talking machines"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=84970#post-246299
Sun, 28 Dec 2014 00:07:04 +0000I Never Said That246299@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Étoiles<br />
Estrellas<br />
Sternen<br />
Sterren<br />
Zvijezde<br />
Ηθοποιοί<br />
כוכבים<br />
Звезды<br />
Csillag<br />
Réaltaí<br />
Жұлдыздар<br />
Stjerner<br />
Gwiazdy<br />
Estrelas<br />
Stele<br />
Yıldız<br />
зірки<br />
Sêr<br />
Stjärnor<br />
зоркі<br />
Stelle<br />
النجوم
</p>Nick Warren on "EU ruling on talking machines"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=84970#post-246225
Fri, 26 Dec 2014 17:14:28 +0000Nick Warren246225@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>New Year equal opps shock for lift travellers</p>
<p>In a little remarked move from the European Equal Opportunities Commission it had been decreed that from January 2015 all lifts must be multilingual. The move is destined to give a much needed boost to the European translation industry.</p>
<p>Announcements made by lifts throughout the EU such as “Doors Closing” and “Second Floor” will have to be made in French, German, Spanish, Polish, Danish, Dutch, Portuguese, Serbo Croat, Italian, Somali and Czech as well as English. All lifts throughout the EU will remain stationary with the doors open until the new announcements are completed.</p>
<p>EU spokesman, Dr Nancy Glouberman, explained, “For too long monolingual lifts have been confusing Europe’s mobile workforce and effectively discriminating against speakers of different languages. This will level the international lift playing field at a stroke, n’est ce pas?”</p>
<p>It is reported that plans are well advanced for other talking technologies to be adapted. Supermarkets have been warned that self service checkouts will soon follow and will have to explain that there is an “unexpected item in the bagging area” in 22 languages.<br />
Consumer spokesman Ron Angry complained, “This is yet another insane EU ruling which will test customers’ already fragile sanity. I foresee outbursts of lift rage and public disorder.”
</p>ionb on "Under Cameron's anti-EU immigrant worker plans..."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=84202#post-244365
Fri, 28 Nov 2014 21:05:30 +0000ionb244365@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Nigel Farage's wife will be deported from the UK and not allowed to claim UK child benefit.
</p>Ted King on "No-one speaks English at Frankfurt's Traditional Birmingham Christmas Market"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=83795#post-243365
Sat, 15 Nov 2014 21:00:51 +0000Ted King243365@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Nice for Germans to visit Brum without blowing the shit out of it.
</p>ionb on "No-one speaks English at Frankfurt's Traditional Birmingham Christmas Market"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=83795#post-243345
Sat, 15 Nov 2014 17:08:47 +0000ionb243345@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>.<br />
<a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-birmingham-30006242" rel="nofollow">http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-birmingham-30006242</a>
</p>pinxit on "A triumphant Chancellor Osborne flies home after decisive victory in Europe"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=83501#post-242902
Tue, 11 Nov 2014 11:45:45 +0000pinxit242902@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Thank you Mr G.</p>
<p>Much appreciated. =]
</p>Jim Garner on "A triumphant Chancellor Osborne flies home after decisive victory in Europe"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=83501#post-242774
Sun, 09 Nov 2014 21:14:08 +0000Jim Garner242774@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Utterly utterly . . . If the site's still doing Writer of the Month this should do it.
</p>pinxit on "A triumphant Chancellor Osborne flies home after decisive victory in Europe"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=83501#post-242760
Sun, 09 Nov 2014 15:50:09 +0000pinxit242760@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Thanks very much all.</p>
<p>Unfortunately the NB message board coding - as recently pointed out (by <em>bonjonelson</em> I think)- doesn't allow just a simple headline then pic slam-dunk ; otherwise it sends the board into an extremely annoying temporary widescreen.</p>
<p>Therefore I had to dream up at least a couple of impromptu lines before inserting the pic. Hence the rather lame padding.
</p>Titus on "A triumphant Chancellor Osborne flies home after decisive victory in Europe"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=83501#post-242676
Sat, 08 Nov 2014 01:04:22 +0000Titus242676@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Yup. Pic is superb!
</p>