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Monday, May 18, 2009

about me

for the past couple years, i battled with an eating disorder. at first, like many other things, it started out innocently. i was an avid runner and a forward on my high school's varsity soccer team. at 13o pounds and 5'7'', i was a healthy and active fifteen-year-old. it began by coming home every night after soccer and running thirty minutes on the treadmill. slowly, this turned into the 30 minute cardio session, plus an ab workout, squats, andd pretty much anything else i could do to torch some calories. not to mention this was all after soccer practices and games. oh, and add no dinner to that, a turkey sandwich with mustard for lunch, and fat-free 100 calorie yogurts for breakfast? yeah, it wasn't pretty. losing my period was the first give-away. my mom took me to doctors who told me to gain weight. i denied any eating problems, and protested that i was just looking my "baby weight." i was even taken to a nutritionist, despite my claims of normal eating habits, and i was placed on a 2500 calorie diet. it took me awhile to work up to this, but i ACTUALLY DID IT. after gaining about 5 pounds, i seemed to have hit a standstill, and i stopped. it wasn't making my period come back, so why continue? i went back to my anorexic ways, and kept losing more weight. for months on end, i continued to deny anything was wrong. i was moody, emotional, period-less, and fragile. i looked a mess. but something inside me told me i could look "better," if i just could eat less fat. so, my fat intake DRASTICALLY increased. i mean, 2g of fat scared me. it was like, if i ate it, there would be instantaneous 50 pounds added to my thighs. so down went my body fat, to around six percent. months went on, same old same old, yadayadayada...i'll spare you my ups and downs. somewhere around april 2009, i finally broke down and confessed my oh-so-obviously eating disorder. that same month, i had to have TMJ surgery, and couldn't eat much at all for about two weeks. needless to say, i lost even more weight. i was taken to duke's eating disorder program, where i attended weekly therapy sessions all summer long. it took a long time, but i am, FOR THE MOST PART, recovered. i know they say you can never fully recover from and ED, but I am making it my mission to prove them wrong. i still go to duke once a month for check-ups and weigh-ins to monitor my progess, and to catch any regression before it gets too bad. i'm so thankful for everyone in my life who has supported me though this, and i'm sorry for hurting everyone i love along the way. but i have the rest of my life to make it up to them, and MYSELF, for missing out on some of the best times of my life. and this is where i start.

9 comments:

I just stumbled across your blog and I have to say, you are sooo inspirational lovie! Ive been 'trying' to recover for quite sometime now and everytime i think im making progress i get scared and go back. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I love your blog and your so good at writing. Way to go and kick some major ED ass girl! thanks for puttin a smile on my face today :)

thank you so much girl, that means a lot :) i'm always here anytime! it's not easy, but i promise you will make it through...unfortunately gets worse before it gets better, but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel :)

hey girl! i don't mind you asking at all! my bmi is around 20.4. however, bmi doesn't mean everything. i may still be skinny, but i have put on a healthy amount of fat and a lot of muscle weight. keep it up girl, and take it from someone who knows: eating disorders are NOT WORTH IT! i've never been happier than i am right now :) every second i fought ED was worth it in the end!

Hi Lindsey, I love your blog-and reading about your recovery journey. The photos from your last post are so happy, and I can't wait to read more. Oh-I tagged you in the stylish blog award :) http://serendipitousmornings.wordpress.com/2011/01/14/still-in-style/

hey! i had an ed too and ive gotten a ton better. Like you, im trying to make the most out of life now and i feel like i have more wisdom due to my struggle. I still have some frequent and some not so frequent ED thoughts, but I move forward as best that i can. i am a runner and i enjoy getting stronger and eating healthy, whole foods...and of course ice cream! I just started a blog, if you'd like to check it out sometime: Hastipie.blogspot --if you ever need someone to relate to, im here!