Question

Posted by:
oHdear | 2012-10-07

Q.

Does Gay Trump All?

I am a married woman with a 3 year old child. I have always had homosexual urges and fantasies and experimented as a teenager. But as time has progressed in my marriage, I feel less and less satisfied with my husband. I find the male figure unattractive, sometimes downright repulsive. Every time I have to have sex with my husband, I feel sick and depressed. On top of that, I am more and more fantasising about women. I have several crushes. I have never acted on any of these urges since I have been married. I'm at a point now where I really do not know what to do. Is this just another marriage issue that we have to get over? Or does "gay trump all" issues and that's just it? How would I even begin trying to explain this to my husband, and eventually, my child?

Expert's Reply

A.

- 2012-10-15

Dear oHdear,

Sexual fluidity is complicated and thus I cannot tell you whether you are a lesbian or not.

You must decide where you fall on the scale of sexual orientation yourself. Many people have experimented and even pursued same-sex relationships but do not necessarily identify as gay. You are free to define yourself wherever you want to on the gender scale. Just because you have crushes on women does not necessarily mean you can't be in a loving relationship with a man. It varies from person to person though.

Your relationship is obviously not happy, and, there are a few important things we should focus on:

The fact that sex with your husband makes you feel sick and depressed.This can be a symptom of the breakdown of trust between you two, bad communication, simple lack of desire or the fact that you don't find men sexually attractive. Was sex always dissatisfying, or is this a recent development? Try to think when it started.

You find the male form repulsive.Is this all men, or just your husband? Once again, have you always felt this way? If you grew up in a strict environment, you might have felt pressure to suppress these feelings. Our society has not been, and sadly still isn't very accepting of lesbians.

You find crushes to make your life more bearable.You are confused and unhappy and dissatisfied with your marriage, so you live in a fantasy world to bring some fun and joy to your life. It shows me you lack excitement and emotional connection in your relationship.

You mention that you wonder if this is "just another marriage issue" to "get over." What were the other marriage issues? And did you actually deal with them or just "get over" them. Were they swept under the carpet, or examined by both of you?

Why did you marry your husband in the first place? Were you truly in love? Did you marry him because you felt pressure from society to do so? Did you hope you would perhaps be "cured" of your interest in other women? Did you simply want a family? Are you friends with your husband, or have you come to resent him?

I'm asking these questions because I can't see how this is just a phase or something you can "get over." You might be gayer than Ellen Degeneres or you might only have a slight interest in the female form - either way you are desperately unhappy and dissatisfied. And no one should live like that.

Please understand that staying in a relationship where you are isolated, alienated and hiding this secret from your partner is damaging you, your husband and your child.

I know this is a terribly difficult thing to do, but you are going to have to start talking to people. It will be more difficult to stay in your current position for the rest of your life. I would suggest therapy. Ask your GP for a referral to a psychologist. She/he will help you understand your feelings - not just your feelings about your sexuality, but also your feelings about your marriage and your place in society.

Finally, please remember, children don't care about their parents' sexual persuasion. They only care about feeling loved and looked after. If you love your child you must make sure you raise that child in a household where happiness and honesty and acceptance reigns. And I'm sorry to say you have none of that at the moment.
Be brave and do something about this situation.

Good luck on your journey.

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