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March 23, 1982 The Empath Page 7
q—i
A Nice Place to Visit, But...
by Ian Kaufman
When I came to this school I
was signed into P.G. I had been
going to a commuter college in
Montgomery County called, odd­ly
enough, Montgomery College.
I was so excited to be moving
into a dorm — co-ed dorm at
that. Of course I had heard all
kinds of horror stories about
roommates, but I was incon­vinced.
Unfortunately I had been
put in a triple.
Still I was happy not to be
living in Dorchester. “Oh God,
thanks for not having me live in
Dorchester,” I said. Dorchester
— no air-conditioning, too much
noise, sloppy beer parties, and
no girls. After a few days I had
friends in Dorchester and I saw
life inside as it was. Dorchester
— no air-conditioning, too much
noise, sloppy beer parties, and
to my surprise, there were lots
of girls. I said, “Hey, this is
great!”
I was still living in P.G. and
I liked it. My two roommates
weren’t so bad and there was
hardly a dull moment. However,
I had no plans to spend my
college days in a triple. I had
this friend in Dorchester that I
had known for years whose
roommate was leaving our school.
He asked me to move in, but
I was hesitant. I said, “This
dorm is too crazy for me. It ’s
a nice place to visit, but . . . ”
Of course he talked me into
it.
When I told everyone I was
moving to Dorchester they were
shocked. “People only move out
of Dorchester,” they said, “not
Any college student is wel­come
to participate in the Bread-bee
trials March 23 and 24. The
prerequisite is to understand and
comply with the following rules:
1. No shaving off of the crust.
2. No Toastbee or any such
similar objects.
3. Breadbee must either be Rye,
Pumpernickle or Whole Wheat.
4. Only one Breadbee to each
entry.
Since Breadbee is such a
hazardous sport, the Surgeon
General has conveyed to us these
special warnings:
If you are mentally weak, at
all costs do not turn to philoso­phy
about the origins of Bread­bee
— namely “which came
first: the Rye, the Pumpernickle
or the Whole Wheat?” Leave those
questions to greater minds like
Socrates and Aristotle who have
searched for the answers to
similar questions for years. The
biggest tragedy of this sort came
when “Guts” Hanson, 1978 world
champion Breadbee - er, began to
ask these very same questions.
Hold his hand. . .
He’s not alive.
What I think. . .
Your brain is gone.
What I think. . .
I t ’s never done.
You ’re a fool,
I t ’s something new.
What a fo o l. . .
Your hands are glued
into it.” I had all winter break
to ponder this stupid mistake
I had obviously made, but I
didn’t worry about it. I was
ready.
Then came that fateful day
I had to move in. I entered
those double doors in front,
turned right, walked through
the next set of double doors,
and kicked my first used Bud-weiser
can. I knew I had found
my new home.
My first stop was “Mellow-ville,”
2nd right. A somewhat
peaceful hall probably due to
the fact that Dave Oswald lives
there. Perhaps there are other
reasons wh'- it’s called “Mellow-ville?”
Next I walked up to 3rd
right. The closer I got to 3rd
center, the harder it was to lift
my feet. I also began to hear
some crankin’ rock - n - roll. I
trudged as best I could over the
sticky floors to find out where
the music was coming from. No
one on 3rd center was playing
the music, but it was so clear.
I decided to check out 3rd left.
I found the music.
From somewhere down at
the end of the hall were sounds
so loud you couldn’t hear your­self
think and the doors were
closed.
I turned around and went
down into the basement. I saw
the infamous “Sin City” in all
its glory, but couldn’t figure
out, in spite of the fancy decora­tions
of the wild frontier, how it
got its name and reputation. So
I mozied on over to 1st left.
This was kinda what I expected
of a normal hall. Not too mellow,
not too radical — about what
one would expect. To end the
tour, I walked up to 2nd left.
When I got to the door in the
stairwell, I couldn’t open it up.
I pushed and pulled and finally
jarred it open. I couldn’t believe
my eyes. It looked like World
War IV broke loose and 2nd
left lost. There was trash, beer
cans, broken glass, and assorted
ceiling tiles everywhere. I slowly
picked my way through the mess
and went back to “Mellowville,”
where I live.
As the semester progressed and
the work piled up, I got ready
for the weekend. After two or
three weekends it became clear
to me that Dorchester is where
things happen all the time. I
invite you to see for yourself.
St. Mary’s
Hosts March 27
Breadbee Cup
St. Mary’s College of Mary- The next day “Guts” Hanson,
land, this year’s site of the most now Lichery Tellso, was found
prestigious event in the world sitting under an oak tree spurting
of breadbee — the international- out incoherent poems.
ly reknowned Breadbee C u p . _________________________________
•THAT IS RIGHT! On March
27th St. Mary’s will host the Hold his hand
Breadbee Cup. Before he dies.
Secondly, beware of P.B. & J.
Breadbees. During the 1979
Breadbee Cup, Euclid Ebemezar
Bullfish accidently hooked his
P.B. & J. breadbee which hit
the pavement next to his specta­ting
girlfriend. Specks of peanut
butter splattered all over her
pink, silk dress with rose-colored
frill, and six different colored
buttons, each with a seperate
picture of the Sunshine Kids.
It was his primitive nature that
saved him from pure disaster.
Only his sheer will to survive
inabled Euclid Ebemezar Bull-fish
to spontaneously begin re­citing:
The nights were hazy
The days were dark
And mv life was stale
(he threw up his hands and
yelled)
UNTIL! -
(he sung)
Dat Da Dat Dat Dat
You stole my heart
Gave me a brand new start
And I love you!
(repeated until she kissed him)
As Euclid remarked later, “It
was a close call;' I almost had to
dig out my old Playboys. ”
Most importantly be cautious
of unidentified, flying breadbees.
Unfortunately the most horrifying
accident in Breadbee annals
occurred last year by the death
of Walter Dimsdale, the brother
of Wilber Dimsdale (the founder
of Breadbee). During the heat
of the competition Walter began
picking out caraway seeds, which
made it fly erratically into the
swamp on hole 13. As a true
pro, he went sloshing through
the swamp, using a beerbong as
a snorkle. There he was hit on
the head by an unidentified,
flying, two and a half month
old Pumpernickle breadbee, and
was instantaneously knocked un-concious.
When he came to,
seconds later, he began drinking
the swamp water through the
beerbong, thinking it was Bar-varian
beer. HE WAS DEAD
ON RECOVERY.
Don’t let these incidents scare
you! Take five breadbee lessons
for only $5.00 and get one free
by contacting your local Breadbee
pro today. Don’t forget to come
out for the Breadbee Cup tryouts
on March 23 and 24. For more
information contact the I.B.B.A.
(International Breadbee Associa­tion).
St. Mary’s
Medieval Militia
by David Choat
Who is that dashing be - chain -
mailed figure? Just what is the St.
Mary’s Medieval Militia? And who
are those fools whaling each
other over the head with padded
rattan behind PG? Relax, gentle
reader, for the Militia has invaded
St. Mary’s and we have terrible
news — we might stay awhile.
For those of you actively
interested, we like to call our -
selves a non - profit educational
organization, a verse we stole
from the National Rocketry As -
sociation. Our parent organiza -
tion, the Markland Medieval
Mercenary Militia, numbers ap -
proximately 800 +, give or take a
few Vikings. It is basically a
very egalitarian group of groups
(like ours) under the guiding
hand of the Witan, our sage
counselors.
The militia’s purpose is
basically fun oriented. The whole
thing started with a battle re -
creation of Hastings, which is
now quite authentically repro -
duced every October at the
University of Maryland campus.
Another pasttime is to engage
in mock - wars with padded
weaponry and padded people; this
is called fratricidal warfare or
melee. We enforce very useful
rules and there has never been
more than a sprained finger in
our 16 - year existence. The
other form of debouchery — I
mean fun — we live for are
FEASTS!!!! This is where one
dons their choice of medieval
garb and attends with plate in
hand and a hankering for meat.
Usually there will be 100 or more
sociophiles of like mind also
in attendance. This is by far the
most enjoyable type of Mark -
land event. We also throw
medieVal fairs with the same
theme to have a good time.
Many Marklanders excel at a
plethora of medieval crafts from
spinning wool to authentic dan -
cing to actual sword making.
It is really quite an intriguing
organization and we hope to
find some recruits here. Interested
parties can contact PG 112.
How about it?
P E C K 'S LEO NORRIS • PROP.
• Liquor • Beer • Wines
* Banquets-Luncheon/Carry Out Food Service/Businessmans Lunch
• STEAKS • SEAFOOD • PIZZA • STUFFED HAM
Locotod S Ml. South Of N«vy Bait f t O £ O O O l ^
)» Rt US Just South Of Lexington fork f l f 00 Amm MmW I JL
EVERGREEN PR LEXIM6T0M PARS MO.
---Mvr

March 23, 1982 The Empath Page 7
q—i
A Nice Place to Visit, But...
by Ian Kaufman
When I came to this school I
was signed into P.G. I had been
going to a commuter college in
Montgomery County called, odd­ly
enough, Montgomery College.
I was so excited to be moving
into a dorm — co-ed dorm at
that. Of course I had heard all
kinds of horror stories about
roommates, but I was incon­vinced.
Unfortunately I had been
put in a triple.
Still I was happy not to be
living in Dorchester. “Oh God,
thanks for not having me live in
Dorchester,” I said. Dorchester
— no air-conditioning, too much
noise, sloppy beer parties, and
no girls. After a few days I had
friends in Dorchester and I saw
life inside as it was. Dorchester
— no air-conditioning, too much
noise, sloppy beer parties, and
to my surprise, there were lots
of girls. I said, “Hey, this is
great!”
I was still living in P.G. and
I liked it. My two roommates
weren’t so bad and there was
hardly a dull moment. However,
I had no plans to spend my
college days in a triple. I had
this friend in Dorchester that I
had known for years whose
roommate was leaving our school.
He asked me to move in, but
I was hesitant. I said, “This
dorm is too crazy for me. It ’s
a nice place to visit, but . . . ”
Of course he talked me into
it.
When I told everyone I was
moving to Dorchester they were
shocked. “People only move out
of Dorchester,” they said, “not
Any college student is wel­come
to participate in the Bread-bee
trials March 23 and 24. The
prerequisite is to understand and
comply with the following rules:
1. No shaving off of the crust.
2. No Toastbee or any such
similar objects.
3. Breadbee must either be Rye,
Pumpernickle or Whole Wheat.
4. Only one Breadbee to each
entry.
Since Breadbee is such a
hazardous sport, the Surgeon
General has conveyed to us these
special warnings:
If you are mentally weak, at
all costs do not turn to philoso­phy
about the origins of Bread­bee
— namely “which came
first: the Rye, the Pumpernickle
or the Whole Wheat?” Leave those
questions to greater minds like
Socrates and Aristotle who have
searched for the answers to
similar questions for years. The
biggest tragedy of this sort came
when “Guts” Hanson, 1978 world
champion Breadbee - er, began to
ask these very same questions.
Hold his hand. . .
He’s not alive.
What I think. . .
Your brain is gone.
What I think. . .
I t ’s never done.
You ’re a fool,
I t ’s something new.
What a fo o l. . .
Your hands are glued
into it.” I had all winter break
to ponder this stupid mistake
I had obviously made, but I
didn’t worry about it. I was
ready.
Then came that fateful day
I had to move in. I entered
those double doors in front,
turned right, walked through
the next set of double doors,
and kicked my first used Bud-weiser
can. I knew I had found
my new home.
My first stop was “Mellow-ville,”
2nd right. A somewhat
peaceful hall probably due to
the fact that Dave Oswald lives
there. Perhaps there are other
reasons wh'- it’s called “Mellow-ville?”
Next I walked up to 3rd
right. The closer I got to 3rd
center, the harder it was to lift
my feet. I also began to hear
some crankin’ rock - n - roll. I
trudged as best I could over the
sticky floors to find out where
the music was coming from. No
one on 3rd center was playing
the music, but it was so clear.
I decided to check out 3rd left.
I found the music.
From somewhere down at
the end of the hall were sounds
so loud you couldn’t hear your­self
think and the doors were
closed.
I turned around and went
down into the basement. I saw
the infamous “Sin City” in all
its glory, but couldn’t figure
out, in spite of the fancy decora­tions
of the wild frontier, how it
got its name and reputation. So
I mozied on over to 1st left.
This was kinda what I expected
of a normal hall. Not too mellow,
not too radical — about what
one would expect. To end the
tour, I walked up to 2nd left.
When I got to the door in the
stairwell, I couldn’t open it up.
I pushed and pulled and finally
jarred it open. I couldn’t believe
my eyes. It looked like World
War IV broke loose and 2nd
left lost. There was trash, beer
cans, broken glass, and assorted
ceiling tiles everywhere. I slowly
picked my way through the mess
and went back to “Mellowville,”
where I live.
As the semester progressed and
the work piled up, I got ready
for the weekend. After two or
three weekends it became clear
to me that Dorchester is where
things happen all the time. I
invite you to see for yourself.
St. Mary’s
Hosts March 27
Breadbee Cup
St. Mary’s College of Mary- The next day “Guts” Hanson,
land, this year’s site of the most now Lichery Tellso, was found
prestigious event in the world sitting under an oak tree spurting
of breadbee — the international- out incoherent poems.
ly reknowned Breadbee C u p . _________________________________
•THAT IS RIGHT! On March
27th St. Mary’s will host the Hold his hand
Breadbee Cup. Before he dies.
Secondly, beware of P.B. & J.
Breadbees. During the 1979
Breadbee Cup, Euclid Ebemezar
Bullfish accidently hooked his
P.B. & J. breadbee which hit
the pavement next to his specta­ting
girlfriend. Specks of peanut
butter splattered all over her
pink, silk dress with rose-colored
frill, and six different colored
buttons, each with a seperate
picture of the Sunshine Kids.
It was his primitive nature that
saved him from pure disaster.
Only his sheer will to survive
inabled Euclid Ebemezar Bull-fish
to spontaneously begin re­citing:
The nights were hazy
The days were dark
And mv life was stale
(he threw up his hands and
yelled)
UNTIL! -
(he sung)
Dat Da Dat Dat Dat
You stole my heart
Gave me a brand new start
And I love you!
(repeated until she kissed him)
As Euclid remarked later, “It
was a close call;' I almost had to
dig out my old Playboys. ”
Most importantly be cautious
of unidentified, flying breadbees.
Unfortunately the most horrifying
accident in Breadbee annals
occurred last year by the death
of Walter Dimsdale, the brother
of Wilber Dimsdale (the founder
of Breadbee). During the heat
of the competition Walter began
picking out caraway seeds, which
made it fly erratically into the
swamp on hole 13. As a true
pro, he went sloshing through
the swamp, using a beerbong as
a snorkle. There he was hit on
the head by an unidentified,
flying, two and a half month
old Pumpernickle breadbee, and
was instantaneously knocked un-concious.
When he came to,
seconds later, he began drinking
the swamp water through the
beerbong, thinking it was Bar-varian
beer. HE WAS DEAD
ON RECOVERY.
Don’t let these incidents scare
you! Take five breadbee lessons
for only $5.00 and get one free
by contacting your local Breadbee
pro today. Don’t forget to come
out for the Breadbee Cup tryouts
on March 23 and 24. For more
information contact the I.B.B.A.
(International Breadbee Associa­tion).
St. Mary’s
Medieval Militia
by David Choat
Who is that dashing be - chain -
mailed figure? Just what is the St.
Mary’s Medieval Militia? And who
are those fools whaling each
other over the head with padded
rattan behind PG? Relax, gentle
reader, for the Militia has invaded
St. Mary’s and we have terrible
news — we might stay awhile.
For those of you actively
interested, we like to call our -
selves a non - profit educational
organization, a verse we stole
from the National Rocketry As -
sociation. Our parent organiza -
tion, the Markland Medieval
Mercenary Militia, numbers ap -
proximately 800 +, give or take a
few Vikings. It is basically a
very egalitarian group of groups
(like ours) under the guiding
hand of the Witan, our sage
counselors.
The militia’s purpose is
basically fun oriented. The whole
thing started with a battle re -
creation of Hastings, which is
now quite authentically repro -
duced every October at the
University of Maryland campus.
Another pasttime is to engage
in mock - wars with padded
weaponry and padded people; this
is called fratricidal warfare or
melee. We enforce very useful
rules and there has never been
more than a sprained finger in
our 16 - year existence. The
other form of debouchery — I
mean fun — we live for are
FEASTS!!!! This is where one
dons their choice of medieval
garb and attends with plate in
hand and a hankering for meat.
Usually there will be 100 or more
sociophiles of like mind also
in attendance. This is by far the
most enjoyable type of Mark -
land event. We also throw
medieVal fairs with the same
theme to have a good time.
Many Marklanders excel at a
plethora of medieval crafts from
spinning wool to authentic dan -
cing to actual sword making.
It is really quite an intriguing
organization and we hope to
find some recruits here. Interested
parties can contact PG 112.
How about it?
P E C K 'S LEO NORRIS • PROP.
• Liquor • Beer • Wines
* Banquets-Luncheon/Carry Out Food Service/Businessmans Lunch
• STEAKS • SEAFOOD • PIZZA • STUFFED HAM
Locotod S Ml. South Of N«vy Bait f t O £ O O O l ^
)» Rt US Just South Of Lexington fork f l f 00 Amm MmW I JL
EVERGREEN PR LEXIM6T0M PARS MO.
---Mvr