Today
I talked with an old school friend. It’s been 18 years since I last spoken with
him. Talking about things that I have forgotten about and I was upset. Because
ever since I’m with my husband, no wait, even before him, with my ex (one in a
long list of them, not angel or gay or polish (I’m not racist) –sorry private
joke), so since I was 18 years old that I don’t remember lots of things,
conversations, even people. All because of my drinking (would love to forget my
in-laws, sadly I didn’t). I started looking at my feet and thinking of what this
body went through. No wonder my brain has hidden stuff from myself.I’m tired of my past. I’m not my family. I’m
me…Just plain, boring me… But I’m still eager, hungry enough to a new
beginning. Never gave up anything. I’m still full of dreams and desires. If my
in-law knew this, knew who I really am, she wouldn’t say that I feel sorry for
myself. Women I never did. Let me teach you something, growing up my father
taught me lots of bad examples, bad things, I had a choice, and I choose to
learn how to survived when it gets tough, a choose knowledge, to better myself,
not to be a Victim and not to act like one, and I’m very proud of who I
became…and I make the same choice every day.

Now let’s go to sleep now.
Tomorrow is another bright new day full of possibilities.

(Had
a interesting conversation with my in-law a week ago. I’m still very upset.
It’s the first that I public spoken about them. Won’t do this again. There’s a
big reason why we haven’t spoke for more than 12 years and I was a fool
thinking they would ever change.. Well I’ve offered a second chance… But your
big, egocentric mouth blew it… People have limits, respect them, please…)

I wasn't able to post this texts before because my dongle finished and the Library internet it's been down... Sorry

This is the exercise that I choose from the bunch of Thursday session.

We’ve
done quite a lot which is always great, the more the better. It was about metaphors.

The
exercise that I chose is about this Welcoming door first text in real life, the
second a locked door and the third a imaginary or a real door that you would
love to have.

I’m
still looking for that welcoming door. That door that says “Welcome Home Love
take your shoes of, sit on the sofa and rest”. If my nana (Simon’s grandmother)
was alive I would probable find it with her. Or maybe not. I do hope someday
I’ll find my Welcome Door.

Locked door it reminds me all those things I was
forbidden to touch when I was a kid. Like my father’s locked studio door. What
a magical place. The architectural drawing table, the pencils, the ink, the
vegetable paper. The desire that I had to try them out. The wish that I had to
ask him to teach me and never had the courage to do so...afraid of being
brushed off for another stupid thing that I have said.

My Welcoming door it will be made of wood, honey in
colour, with iron pieces across the door like the ones in old buildings or old
monasteries. Surrounding the door I’ll have Wysteria bush with the beautiful
purple flowers like grapes all year around if I could. My welcoming door would welcome everyone in need, my
friends, my mother in vacation but would be a bit magical with the ones how
wanted to harm anyone in the house. Then it would become very dark, like those
ones in horror movies.

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Yesterday
exercise of Mindful Writing was about personal journals/diaries and also about
compromising to do something… Just read below to found out what precisely.

“Compromising”

Thinking about walking to
Carleton Clinic and back everyday. Total: 4.6 miles. Hours: more or less 1H20m.
I dare to say this out loud and everyone looks at me like I should walk to
Carleton Clinic and be committed there.

Nearly everyone here takes a
taxi or the bus to get to one end to the other. The centre of Carlisle is
smaller than our centre in Funchal !!!!! Although the city itself it’s bigger
than Funchal.

I’m surprised that this people
choose not to walk. Everywhere here is plain and the weather it’s brilliant for
walking, back home it’s only up or down with heat or heavy rain.

Do you have to lose your legs to
start appreciating them????? They’re powerful tools given by nature itself.
It’s a gift people…use it well and wisely.

I’m thankful everyday for what
I’ve got. Sight (although I’ve lost a little bit and have to use glasses due to
work with computers), hearing, well… every part of our fantastic body… Still
flexible for this big size of mine because I don’t stop and I thank all the
walking and when I was an teenager I was a track athlete. Special my mother
that never put me on a pram… What’s up with that????

Do I love to walk every day???
Of course not, there are times that I don’t want to do so, I’m tired and don’t
want to leave bed, but I don’t let it stop me…

Walking is the best and most
natural exercise that you can do.

After 14 years of carrying
another person on top of me (I meant my weight…) I had enough. Don’t want to be
Skinny, bones, skin, tits and hair like before I was pregnant, I hated it (8,4
stones/ 53kg). I’m currently 14.330 stones/91kg. And I want to reach 11
stones/70kg. I only want to lose 3 stone/20kg. So you can see that I’ll be
still over-weighted… So skinny people and diet lovers get over it. Being skinny
it’s not the goal for me.

I’ve always talked about losing
weight, about wanted to be 11 stones but never did it, correction never
happened. It wasn’t lack of exercises. I still walked home to work, work to
home, was in the gym, sometimes spent 6 hours a day (doing different things)… I
think my mind was not in it… I eat, still do, healthy as I can, but my problem
is that I didn’t use to sleep that much, only 3 hours a day for 11 and half
years. When you exercise it’s important to sleep at least 8 hours a day.

And now since I’m here in
Carlisle without doing nothing special, still walking everywhere. I lost 1,41
stones/9kg in 3 months.The only thing
I’m doing different it’s the fact that I’m finally sleeping better and also I’m
doing 99% of the things I want to do and that of course makes me happy. Is this
the secret???

Don’t know but I tell you
something, I’ve promised myself to walk everyday plus 4.6 miles because I
already have 4 miles and something to walk already, so I’ll be walking more or
less 8 miles every day (don’t tell I’ll not lose anything with this…) Plus I’m
also doing Yoga and Body Combat, alternating every day. So I started yesterday
with yoga, today Body Combat.

Every week I’ll have a total of
50 miles plus 350 minutes of exercise and of course playing Futebol or
Badminton with my son.

I will keep you post it, at the
end of each month, telling you how much I’ve lost if any. Let’s see if I can
prove my theory correct.

Monday, 22 April 2013

Yesterday exercise of
Mindful Writing was a very short short-romance... Who would say that I would
even dare to write on these genre. Let me just say this: I got inspired.

“The
words never spoken”

“Who the hell do you think you
are? Who gave you permission to invade my thoughts like you do? Stealing every
minute of the day, making me think of you non-stop. Don’t you think I’ve got
better things to do with my brain. I’m to busy for this bullshit, have a lot on
my mind for this.”

“In this pretend world up in my head,
you make love to me like no one ever did, you’re there for me, you’re kind, I
wake up to see looking at me by my side, making sure that I’m warm enough, your
loving gestures, strong grip, very masculine.” Always smiling… Always kind…

“I now it’s not your fault, It’s
my problem, I’m the one who constantly thinks of you…. Please, I beg you, make
it stop. Tell me how you think that I’m horrendous, that I disgust you…. How
crazy I am… Tell me anything to stop it….” Please….. Stop this nonsense, save
me from my own thoughts. They’re out of control.

I paused catching my breath….

You look at me, shocked or
surprised it’s hard…hard to tell….

I realized what I’ve done and
now I feel ashamed…. In the corner if my eyes, I see my own reflection, can’t
stand to look at it… I gain courage to speak again “I don’t feel proud of
myself. I’ve put you on the spot… I’m sorry”

I grab my stuff shaking “Try to forget this. We barely know each other.
What was I thinking?????”

Do you even care a little bit???
“Say the words now and you’ll never see me again”.

Caresses my hair, lift my chin
up and I can feel his warm breath on my face, I look at his eyes, this deep
blue eyes, he gets closer, closer touching his lips on mine, pressing first
softly and then a deep passion kiss.

Friday, 19 April 2013

The best exercise of yesterday’s class... It
was about reflective writing and this one in particular to put yourself in
someone else’s shoes (point of view) and write the text like you were the other
person... So I wrote about Thomas and how he sees me every school’s morning...

I hear the door slamming my mother is back from
her bath. I hope she doesn’t call me to wake me up... Please forget that I have
school today. I close my eyes really tight. “Thomas get up”, I hear her saying.
Pretending that I just woke up I answer her “Hummm....What....hummm...I will”.
I let myself still, maybe she’ll forget it... Let me be a little more in bed,
“Thomas it’s ten past 7 and you still need to get dress”...Oh. I felt
asleep.... I don’t want to go to school. I like school but it’s the waking up,
getting ready, eat the breakfast, walking to school it is boring.

She went down to make my breakfast, better her
than my father. He burns everything. I put one sock in one foot very slowly...
Maybe time will stop and I don’t have to go to school.... 10 minutes after, I’m
dressed, just the boots needs to be done and tack my shirt on my pants.... I
drag myself out of the bedroom, slowly get down the stairs and walk into the
dinner room...I look at my mother, she is upset. I don’t like to see her upset,
but I really don’t want to go to school....the all process is boring.

My food it’s always the first to be ready. My
mother makes sure of it. But I eat little bit, by little bit.... If I’m late
maybe I don’t have to go. Going to school is boring, the other kids are loud
and annoying...I don’t identify myself with them. Although between you and me I
like to talk to Matteo, he’s a foreigner like me and I found out other boys and
girls how like to play Minecraft.

Everyone finished eating except for me, my
mother is upset.

My son agrees with what I wrote except for the
part of Time stopping, he never wishes it. He loves school and the English
system (completely different from Portugal) and I was told that he doesn’t need
to take part in special preparation (he started school late and come from a
different country) because he is very
bright...

Thank you (myself) for thinking that education
is necessary and fundamental for your son....

Thursday, 18 April 2013

It was really good.... Read two texts that I haven't read before (it's always a treat)... Analysed and discussed... Really good stuff... No matter where you come from or how old you are, we're all the same... I'm saying this because we all got to the same conclusion about the texts...

Saturday, 13 April 2013

Today I had a great time with the Girls.
The dishes were not only inspiring but delicious... After eating 2 benedict eggs + 1 cheesecake (Took one home for Thomas)... I'm still full....
Thank you Becky for bringing this chefs to us and thank you Chef Richie and Chef Chris.

Thursday, 11 April 2013

In this last exercise, Carol showed us a map and asked for us to write the opening of a book.
In a way that we could guess in what genre we had writing.... Do you want to have a good guess at his mine???? Go on then... Read below and guess....

As
I was walking in the mid of the mist, I could see this white cloud in front of
me, formed every time I breath out, it’s really cold. “Why would they send for
me in the middle of the night?”

The
pastures have this beautiful almost unnatural bluish light. I can hear the
crows calling for which others. I have to confess I’m not used to it, it makes
my hairs stand up.

“Great”
it’s starting to rain. Is still quite a bit to walk... they said to go to the
Lodestone Lake, there would be a boat waiting for me. Never mind that I’m still
surprise with the fact of how would they know where to find me? Who told them
that I would be near the river in the “common field” watching the stars??!!!! I
know this is a small town but this is ridiculous. Can’t a man be wherever he
wants to be without been disturbed?

I
see the duck pond. “It’s odd!!! It’s quite!!!” What that Hell happen???
Everything it’s so still, no sounds... There it is that uncomfortable feeling
again. Can’t wait to see another human face again. I can see the sculptures, I’m
not far from the lake. I see a shining light it must be the people on the boat
waiting for me.

Had a great walk with my "adoptive" daughter up to Carleton Clinic. I just love to walk.

"Words for Wellbeing"... One of today's exercises. Carol showed us an art manequin that belongs to her mother and basically said to write whatever came to our heads about it.

This is mine. It's a little story that wants to grow into a much bigger one... I'll make sure of it.

I was walking around town, looking vaguely at
the shops windows, just wasting time till it was time to pick my son up from
school. So many shops, so many objects...cloths, bags, shoes, all you need for
the kitchen, all you need for winter sports... I came across a little shop,
very discrete, almost hidden, easy to miss... Something called me in. Took a
big breath, look at my watch, still have time and I got in. What a space, full
of memorabilia, old records discs, gramophones, ceramic dolls, vintage cloths.

This
ray of sun, this beautiful light that made all the dust dancing around and in
it. I was drown by curiosity to that light it was hitting a particular spot of
the shop. I got closer and saw this articulated wooden creature, full of dust.
I got it gentile. It was made of a beautiful
dark wood. It looked really old. I always wanted a mannequin for my art work. But
until now never found the One. Holding the mannequin like it was a precious
jewel I went to pay for it. The shop-owner give me a smile and said something
strange. “He finally found the Artist”. I answered: “Sorry” She didn’t repeat
it again, saying: “There’s your change. Have a nice day.” I said my fair-wells
looking at the time it was time to pick my son from school. Holding my bag
really tide with my precious mannequin inside.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

I see all the faces, same faces, here once
again. Excitement and Hope, that they
win a good amount of money. All hopes put in these little books with a few
pages on them. Too much responsibility for such papers, full of numbers and
squares waiting for people to put a dot ink on them.

Young
and old, all eager for those lucky numbers… for those extra pounds. Some of
them don’t even realize that the money they spend on the boards, food and
drinks is more than the amount of some prizes…

I
see a big room packed with people, some with their friends, other’s with their
families. Some I know. Interesting two months and I already know so many of
them. Mainly thanks to my sis, Gill. She introduces me to everyone and anyone…
Bless her…

I
see faces bored, tired from a long day of work, some of them bored of not doing
anything… Maybe thinking about their sad jobs and their “sad” families and they
don’t want to go back too… Lost eyes looking nowhere…

I
see two new faces sitting down on our table “Who are they?” I asked myself on
the way to the toilets. Friends with Gill probably.

Came
back from the toilet, the couple are friends to Jodie and not Gill. Still me
and Becky are not introduced. It’s a bit awkward been on table with people and
not talking with them.

I
see empty glasses on this table of ours, Becky playing cards with Tony. Tony is
trying his best not to show boredom. “Nice couple” I think to my bottoms.

I
look at Gill she looks bored playing her boards. Hoping that the free event
will be soon continued, to win money…. She needs tobacco desperately.

I
smell hot dog, vinegar chips….it’s making me sick. I can feel the air
conditioned it’s fresh but not strong enough to take this awful smell away from
me.

My
mood it’s not the best today. I’ve not been sleeping that much. Keep waking up
after closing my eyes. I miss my cats, my cat-daughters. After Thomas they’re
my live. It feels like I abandoned two of my kids behind. A day doesn’t go by
without me crying missing them… Of course, I’m really discrete because of my
son. He misses them also.

I
see everyone grabbing the dabbler, the free event it’s going to continue after
a break.

Here
I go again. “22, all the two’s, 22”

P.S. I don’t like to gamble, I don’t support it.
This is a free event. No money was spent and no money was won.

Saturday, 6 April 2013

If I drew a “perfect” world, my “perfect”
world can I live on it....let me be Alice in Wonderland...

Any colour would be on it... No
restrictions... Would paint every day as my mood would dictate.

You would see old books and new
books, all together... No restrictions.
Thousands of books.

You would smell coffee and butterscotch
scones.

You would hear me playing violin
or bass or djembe drum as my mood would dictate. Because I would not give it up
like I did once (not my fault bear in mind but no excuse either)...

You would see lots of animals
specially my two beautiful “cat daughters” that I had to leave behind... They
would be there next to me all the time just like before.

You would see this crazy house,
outside and inside, looking like something taking of a Fairy tale with lots of
plants and very open to the nature... Maybe you would only see a roof just to
protect us from the rain.

Very peaceful, very natural...

I can hear only the animal
sounds...

My son would be there of
course... Very pleased with everything like when he was a baby.

Food provided by the nature
itself

There is no Wars, no
starvation... There would be understanding... If I would draw people in my
world they would help one another.

There’s peace and satisfaction
of life itself...

A place where progress doesn’t
kill nature but both complemented the other.

In this place there is only one
Watch... Nature’s Watch...

Where in my “perfect” world we go to sleep
hearing the Nature singing to us...

I wish upon a star to live in my “perfect”
little world. My little Eden.

I just choose my top story from “Words
for Wellbeing” on the 4th of April. From all of them this one it’s
the best.

It’s
a pretend character, so it doesn’t exist… The exercise was based on a
blue piece of cloth… and we had 10 minutes to write it.

Without delays hope you like it…. I
still can’t believe this came out of my brain… :P

My name is Penelope and I’m in love
with dance. Love to dance all the time. This is the 40s. The war just finished
and everyone it’s parting until there’s no tomorrow. I just got myself this
beautiful blue dress that shines so much, can’t wait to try it on and show my
friends and yes that special person that I’m seeing later in the ball. As I was
walking down the street where I got this dress, I see my friends in a coffee.
They look so happy, talking about something they just heard about it, some
scandal I’m sure of it. How done what this time… I run inside to meet them. I
was right they were talking about something new. My friend Sarah just got
engaged, what a big ring… Will that happen to me one day I wonder? After they settled down more, I’ve showed them
the dress… They can’t wait to see me with it. After a few minutes of mindless
conversation I head home…

Made myself a cup of coffee, what a wonderful thing. Happy
that the war is over and we can have all the luxuries we used to have before it
started. Listening to music and relaxing a bit… I finally tried the blue dress,
it matches his eyes…

I look at myself in the mirror… What
a sight, it is gorgeous… It flutes with every move that I make…It feels like I
don’t have anything on… Oh gosh, I’m blushing…