Monday, December 29, 2008

I received this in my blogcat email today. I shared it with BC and google before I changed the name on the link.

DipshitRealEstate said:hi! i visited your site and gave you 3 ad$en$e clicks. plz...do the same.December 29th 2008 -

Of course, since I don't run adsense ads on my blogs anymore (The checks for 2 cents and 3 cents were piling up) I am curious which ones he clicked on. Surely such a dolt wouldn't be LYING????

If any of you wants to buy a house right now, I'm sure you will want to put this fuck really high on your list of people to "guide you through the process." Buying a house is so haaaaaaaard.

But this is really a post about why it is so hard to turn people in for violating terms of service with google. Why does google stonewall all personal contact? Why do ALL large companies stonewall with FAQs and "Help" heh instead of letting you send them an email?

Because they suck golf balls through a hose. That's what Ettarose told me.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Buy that special someone who already has everything some clown shoes for Christmas. Great ice-breakers. In more ways than one. From The Magic Depot. Imported from England. But of course.

"We here at The Magic Depot are proud to present "ShoeBees"! Our line of professional clown shoes are simply the best! They are made of Real Leather. All the shoes have a hard shell bubble toe. All the colors are bright and really stand out. You won't be able to take your eyes of these shoes!"

• All leather construction for long life and durably, vibrant colors and unique patterns and design.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Hi, I installed succesfully tubgirl 10.4.8 with 6th may 10.4.9 pppf patched on my amd 3500+ venice core with nvidia 6200TC.System runs fine and fast.however, on logging in after booting I get htese two error messages:http://users.telenet.be/mylinux/mac.pngabout the realtek 8139: It didn't work in the beginning so I found on this forum a solution with a new driver, installed it:rm -R /System/Library/Extensions/IONetworkingFamily.kext/Contents/Plugins/AppleRTL8139Ethernet.kextrm -R /System/Library/Extensions/IONetworkingFamily.kext/Contents/Plugins/RealtekR1000.kextcp -R /PCGenRTL8139Ethernet.kext /System/Library/Extensions/IONetworkingFamily.kext/Contents/Plugins/chown -R root:wheel /System/Library/Extensions/IONetworkingFamily.kext/Contents/Plugins/PCGenRTL8139Ethernet.kextchmod -R 755 /System/Library/Extensions/IONetworkingFamily.kext/Contents/Plugins/PCGenRTL8139Ethernet.kexttouch /System/Library/Extensions

now my realtek works fine, but why I get that eroor message?About the disk insertion errror, I don't ahve an idea, but I choose for "ignore" and I have no problem at all.

So after all it's only cosmetic, but if there is a solution I would like to know....

---------

Dear InsanelyMacProtege:

Whoa! Hold it right there Mr. Insane. Perhaps you have us confused with Microsoft. Macs are for music and painting lovely pictures and for doing important sensitive stuff. Macs are love and fulfillment. K?

It isn’t that your Mac can’t do all that stuff, it’s just that when it sees all that crud you have entered, it will quickly see you for what you are and lose interest in you. Most likely, rather than having a bug, your Mac has chosen to go off and do something more interesting.

Usually when this happens you will get a dialog box to inform you of what is happening. For example, the first dialog is likely to be the “What’s your problem, dude?” box which gives you an opportunity to come to your senses and begin scanning wildlife photos or something. If this box is not heeded (and you really should heed it, dude) it is extremely likely the “Please Wait” dialog box will appear. Please don’t interpret this to mean you should actually wait. You can wait until your ass falls off onto the floor but your Mac is not going to come back to you. This is because your Mac is convinced you are really a PC user.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you are just not our kind. Go buy a PC. They are very inexpensive, and they will give you a much wider variety of useless dialog boxes. Of course, the best part is you will then be writing to their support instead of us.

Friday, November 28, 2008

“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course, and I forgot how to drive?” -Homer Simpson

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Caution to new readers: Max has had a relapse. If you didn't know the old Max from the beginning before he stopped being vulgar on his blogs, you might not want to read this post. Thank you.---------

Max was down on his knees. Never mind why. He was worshiping something lying on the bed. But since he was down on his knees anyway, Max decided to pray.

Max: “Dear God...”

God: “Yes?”

Max: “God?”

God: “Yes?”

Max: “God? Is that really you?”

God: “Yes my son. What can I do for you?”

Max: “Mmmmm... God, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but you really smell good.”

God: “That’s because I’m a woman.”

Max: “Ah. That explains it. God?”

God: “Yes my son?”

Max: “Did you really create the whole world?”

God: “I created pussy. That’s all you need to worry about.”

Max: “Thank you God.”

“And God? Can I ask another question? Are you the God of hellfire?”

God: “No. Hellfire is one of man’s warped concepts. I am love. Hence the pussy.”

Max: “Ah.”

“So you created pussy and then on the seventh day you rested?”

God: “No. I create other things all the time. Love things.”

Max: “Like what?”

God: “Well, most recently I created the four-hour erection.”

Max: “No shit?”

God: “No shit.”

::15 seconds of silence::

Max: “God?”

God: “Yes Max?”

Max: “Could you please bestow one of those major woodies upon me? I promise to be good.”

God: “Perhaps. But if it lasts longer than four hours, you have to go to a doctor.”

Max: “Couldn’t you just send more women? I would prefer that, God.”

God: “Perhaps. That might work. But you must promise to be good.”

Max: “With four-hour wood, how could I be bad?”

God: “Good point.”

And so it came to pass that with God’s help, Max rose up to new heights, and proceeded to go about doing good, never failing to constantly honor God’s great first creation. And God was true to Her word and continued to provide an ever-increasing supply of pussy for Max to honor.

And it came to pass that Max was truly in heaven.---------

Thanks to Chica for the "seed" of this idea in one of her recent posts. And to her regular reader Queenie. Sort of. And to Angelika, just because.

---------

Epilogue:

And it happened that while Max was in a deep and peaceful sleep later that same night, God again came to Max in a vision and spake to him thusly:

God: I have decided to send you forth to explain my true nature to my people.

Max: I am only a blogger, God.

God: Exactly. They will believe anything you say.

Max: Well, if we are going to be talking every day, could you at least tell me your name? Yah-way, right?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Yeah Caroline, Max is a real winner all right. You people are all starry-eyed but I have to live with the little pervert. Apparently you don't frequent the same blogs as I do. Just in case you think Max has reformed and it is ok to invite the little shit into your living room, here's another recent comment you missed:

Cult of Qelqoth By Relax Max on Oct 11, 2008

"Well, I didn’t rape her. Pretty sure of that. I didn’t finish though. I’m pretty sure she did. Maybe it wasn’t her after all. But she had a limo. And a big fucking driver who threw me and my cumless dick out on the pavement in a really bad part of town. Thank God.

Ummm, what the fuck blog am I on again?"

--------

Oh, yeah. That's class all right.

And how crass was he to poor EttaRose at first? Did she deserve that kind of treatment?

And poor Chica? How quickly they forget! Here is Max's fake picture of Chica (who Max called "Karen Price" just to be mean.)

Oh, yeah. That's showing the love to one of this sorry blog's most loyal followers.

I won't even go into how he relentlessly attacked Debbie. To the point she had to get outside therapy. She still refuses to follow this blog because of what he did to her.

And he has the audacity to brag about the Canucklehead Wars. There wouldn't even have been any Canucklehead Wars if Max hadn't stolen Canucklehead's EntreWidget picture off Canuck's blog and made up a fake post that said how much Canucklehead idolized Max. And he didn't even know him. That takes balls. And I don't suppose you have any idea what he did to the Amazon leader in her tent after the battle, either. Oooooooh Noooooo. What a loser!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I am sure like me you are by now very fond of the lovable pub dog... what lovable pub dog am I talking about you ask? Surely I can't be meaning that mischievous max? Well I most certainly do.

He's been keeping us entertained both here and over at Britishspeak for quite some time now.

As he occasionally has some nice things to say about us, be it on our birthday or to mark some other event, I thought perhaps we could repay the favour. Why not comment with your favourite Relax Max quote?

To get us started mine has to be

"Still not sure why y'all would bother to actually go to the trouble of saying something so complicted when a simple American "Fuck this shit" would do the trick."from More Football, More Words, More Confusion (I kept his typo there on purpose, I was going to correct it, but then realised it would not be a correct quotation if I did so - sorry Max.)

Sunday, October 12, 2008

We know this is not exactly the best of times for you, but we are all with you. Hope you have a party. We are having one for you today. Drinks are on the house. But then they always are for Claire. Many happy returns to a classy lady who has always been there for everybody I know. Cheers!

From your pals at the Slap and Tickle.

Stop by her blog and say happy birthday to Claire. Keep your other compliments sparse, please. She already knows. Just leave her a kiss. That'll be okay.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I have a friend who reviews B movies and blogs about zombies. Go figure. She writes pretty good poetry, too. She is weird. You may know her. If you do, you must be weird too.

I chose a few photographs at random of people who sort of look like the living dead. Only they are not really dead. I don't think.

Here they are. For Petra. I hope they will cheer her up.(Top to bottom: The Algore, HelenThomas [world's oldest living Whitehouse press zombie and bushbasher extraordinaire]; Mick Mars [of some 80s band called Motley Crue]; Amy "Blow" Winehouse; Aerosmith's Steven Tyler. Note: there is an outside possibility that the photo of Tyler may belong to something called Bruno Press. I can't be sure.)

--------

I once knew a redhead named PaytraWhom all the boys wanted to daytraShe would bury them aliveMumbo Jumbo and jiveThen roaming the earth was their faytra

Monday, October 6, 2008

Growing up Amish is hard enough all by itself. There are plenty of built-in rules when you are an Amish child. But my parents had many special rules for me in addition to the regular rules. Some of these rules were passed down through generations, and the reasons for many of the special rules were lost over the years. Still, we continued to uphold these special rules, and my parents enforced them religiously. Of course. Here are some of these special Amish children rules that I remember, before I escaped from the Amish. The rules are given in no particular order.

Build your own barn. Grow your own food. Sew your own clothes. I can't remember a time when these basic rules were not being drilled into me.

No brushing your teeth and no dentists allowed. It was perfectly ok to own a toothbrush, and it was perfectly okay to make dental appointments, but you were not allowed to keep them.

All good Amish keep receipts. In a restaurant or 7-11 store, you will never hear an Amish patron say, "I don't need the receipt." These are kept in old Danish Cookie tins and burned on New Year's Day.

Overdue library books. Actually this is such a complicated subject that it will require a separate post.

Huddling rules. These are extremely ritualistic and cannot be explained to you English.

Plastic statues of all kinds are prohibited.

Do Amish wear underwear? (Not premitted to tell outsiders.)

Violin-making. The making of violins in Amish households is certainly permitted. However the actual playing of violins is not allowed. I have often thought this fact might be part of the reason Amish violins are not in high demand, rather than simply a lack of effective advertising. It goes without saying that Banjo manufacturing is strictly prohibited, as it should be in the outside world as well.

Yard wrestling. I am often asked if the wrestling of heavy leather dummies is permitted at large Amish gatherings, such as barn raisings. The answer is no. This is very much a bootleg enterprise, much like cockfighting. I am not saying that the sight of a grown man rolling around on the grass with a heavy leather dummy is without a certain appeal, or that it doesn’t go on in certain circles, but it is officially banned.

Any travel, whether by horse, tricycle, or on foot, on streets named “Leonard” is strictly prohibited.

The drinking of water is, of course, permitted in any quantity and at any time. However, the cup should be held in the right hand (exception: those who have lost their right arms in threshing accidents are exempt) and water may not be consumed within 12 minutes of eating any quantity of pumpkin pie. The only exception to this rule is if your maternal grandmother was at one time a Methodist. (Must carry written proof of this on your person.)

The travel in any public conveyance (Trains, Planes, or Automobiles) is strictly prohibited. I hasten to add that it is not improper to buy a ticket for an airplane or train, but it is not allowed to actually use that ticket. This rule led to an unusual childhood incident that stayed in my mind for years. It is covered in a separate post entitled “The Great Ambulance Scuffle.”

I forgot to mention that it is ok to get into the back seat of a police car. (Amish have a general aversion to being tased, at least in public.)

Donkey Kong prohibited to me as a youth. But we had no TV or electricity anyway.

No more than 2 dogs allowed on the bed for warmth in the winter, unless it is cold enough to be an official Three Dog Night.

The viewing of Amish porn before marriage was not permitted in our family. If you are over 18 you may click on the link for an example of Amish porn.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Tal E. Wacker apparently started something. I had no idea there were these many euphemisms for self-abuse. More than enough for a book. A whole library.

But the main thing is (in my diligent research) I came up with an authentic Aussie term:

The Toongabbie Backhand

Actually, I think this is a specific technique rather than a general term. It refers to (so the Aussie said) reverse hand manipulation, and may well have originated in New Zealand or with the Maori tribesmen, as a rite of passage. This latter is more likely, I think. At any rate it is said to be quite common in the western suburbs of Sidney. Sidney, incidentally, modestly claims to be, bar none, the wanking capital of the entire world. Hmmmm.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Hi! I'm Tal E. Wacker. Usually my contributions are restricted to the Way Harsh blog, but since Relax Max is drunk and passed out tonight, I get to pull extra duty here. Woopfuckingpee. Thanks a lot Max. You little turd ball.

I'm not used to being restricted to my blogging subject matter, since Way Harsh is pretty much an open blog, but I will try to keep it civilized here in order not to offend any of Max's tender readers.

By the way, some of you might be thinking I bear a resemblance to the late Frank Zappa. No shit, sherlock. Only this one is not housebroken.

So, let's see...what can we blog about tonight that's not very offensive? (Dull, in other words.) I see in the last post where a couple of smarty chicks accused Max of choking the chicken and bashing the bishop. So apparently that kind of talk is okay around here. So I will just make a post about masturbation terms and then get the fuck out of here.

For Chica and Caroline: Female masturbation euphemisms for your entertainment. Sort of like Lord Likely's masturbation post on BritishSpeak a while back, only the female version. The good ones are in red. There aren't many good ones, though. Many of the other ones I don't even understand. I just Googled the list. I have my own personal list, but that would probably drive most of you away. Don't want to do that. So here's the Google list. I kept it in alphabetical order in case you are taking notes:

Airing the OrchidBeating the BeaverBeating Around the BushBrushing The BeaverBuffing the WeaselCarpet BumpingChecking for SquirrelsCleaning your FingersComing Into Your OwnDancing the Taco TangoDialing the Rotary PhoneDigging a TrenchDoing your NailsDousing the DigitsDrilling For OilEngaging in Safe SexErasing the ProblemFanning the FurFiddling the BeanFingerbatingFinger-paintingFucking Without ComplicationsGagging the ClamGetting To Know YourselfGoing MiningGroping the GrottoGusset TypingHaving A Clam Bake for OneHaving A Night in With the GirlsHaving Sex With Someone you LoveHitchhiking SouthJillin' Off Jocelyn ElderingLetting the Fingers do the Walkin'Making SoupManual OverrideBuffin' The MuffinPaddling the Pink CanoePetting PetuniaPolishing the PearlPlaying Poker (Poke her. Get it?)Playing Couch Hockey for One (Canadian?)Playing with Mrs. Palmer's Five DaughtersPlaying With the Man in the BoatPushing the ButtonRiding the UnicycleEngaging in the Solitary viceSpelunkingSqueezing the PeachStrumming the BanjoSurfing the ChannelTeasing the KittyTeasing the Tuna TacoTesting the PlumbingTickling the TacoTiptoeing Through the Twolips

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

You are invited to comment with jokes that have to do with pubs/bars. I will start you off with a few.

--------

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws.Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.' Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.

He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.' I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.--------Mary was asleep in bed when her husband, Patrick, crashed through the front door at 3 am waking her up. He staggered through the hallway and tried to get up the stairs.

'What are you doing?' Mary shouted.Patrick replied, 'I'm trying to get this gallon of beer up the stairs.'

'Leave it down there, Patrick', Mary bellowed. 'I can't, 'Patrick replied, 'I've drunk it.'--------Neil was in a pub, extremely drunk. The barman, Simon, noticed this, and when Neil asked for another whisky, the barman politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink.

Neil leaves. He walks out of the pub and in again at the side door and asks Simon for a double whisky. A little frustrated, Simon repeats the answer he had said earlier.

Neil, again leaves and enters through a further side door, walks up to the barman and asks for a Scotch. Simon is now quite annoyed, and tells Neil he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave the pub.

Once more, Neil leaves. Again he comes in, this time through the back door. Neil walks up to the barman and before he can say a word, Simon explodes at him, 'I told you already, you are way too drunk, you can not have another whisky. Get out of my bar!'

Disgruntled, Neil glares at Simon and asks, 'Man, how many bars do you work at?'

Monday, August 25, 2008

If you follow this blog, then you know that one of our best supporters is my pal Canucklehead. He is always there for me.

And, if you follow his blog too, then you know he recently became a father again. We ran a photo of his second son as a newborn not too long ago. The above is an update. What a good-looking young man! Second in line to the Canucklehead dynasty!

Canucklehead cracks me up. As always. I was reading his blog today (and stole this pic of his son while there) and, as always, enjoyed some of Canucklehead's choice humor. He said he was thinking about putting the baby on Jenny Craig, that he had more chins than a Chinese phonebook. But the pride was showing through. We're proud too, for Mr. and Mrs. Canucklehead. My buddy Linc.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

As some of you know, I am a Mac user. Safari is Apple's browser, so that is what I have used for a long time. I have never tried to use Safari on a PC, so I don't know how well the PC version of Safari works. I suspect not as well as it does natively on a Mac. (I do own a PC, but I only need turn it on to raise my blood pressure. And actually trying to do my work on a PC is simply too frustrating. Different strokes for different folks. So I have never tried Safari for PC.)

The other day I was trying to find out why my Mac was running slowly under certain circumstances. Since a virus is hardly the first thing one checks when troubleshooting a Mac, I began to examine the applications I frequently use, and when I slapped an Activity Monitor on Safari, I quickly saw it was hemorrhaging RAM. Big time memory leak. And so I blew the dust off Firefox, the only other browser I have chosen to use, and cranked it up.

As you might surmise, I am not fluent in FirefoxSpeak. Safari has always done all I want and much more, so I never have learned to speak the Firefox language. But until Apple gets up off their arse and fixes Safari (as usual, they are simply stonewalling and trying to pretend there is no problem with Safari for Mac) I will be using Firefox.

I should explain that I have tried to use Firefox in the past, and found it to be a good sturdy little bugger, but clunkier than an old Model-T Ford. (Version 2) It is so obviously PC-oriented, that I quickly went back to Safari. Now that I am sort of forced to use Firefox, for a while at least, I want to learn a few things about it. Hence this post. If you don't mind. I am assuming most of you are PC users, and therefore are in love with Firefox. So, won't you please give me a hand here with a couple of questions?

Let me limit it to two specific questions right now and leave the rest for later.

1. When you type an address into Firefox, it doesn't "self-complete" like Safari does. Instead it acts like the terrible Bill Gates creation called "Internet Explorer" - it only gives you a list of choices from its memory or places that start with those letters, and you have to stop what you are typing and go down and perform the extra step of selecting an item from the list. I hate that. If I want to perform extra steps or constantly interact with dialog windows, I will simply use a PC. So...is there a Firefox preference I haven't yet been able to find which will allow the address to simply self-complete in the address field of the browser? Or is it something I will simply have to knuckle down and do it the PC way?

[Here I should interject that I have since "upgraded" to version 3 of Firefox, and am really not finding a difference in interface intuitivity.]

2. The use of tabs. In Firefox, you seem to only have a preference choice between things opening in a new window or opening in a tab in one window. Is this correct? - I mean, you truly can't simply command it to open a list of selected items in tabs all at once? I really miss this feature that I used a lot in Safari. For example, I have a core list of maybe 25 good friends that I want to "drop" on, for sure, every single day, and that I want to comment on their blogs. In Safari, I simply put all these friends URLs into one "Good Friends" bookmarks folder and then, at will, I could simply right-click on that folder and be presented with an option to "open all these items in tabs". Can't seem to work that out in Firefox - I am having to go down the list of bookmarks and do it one at a time. With Safari, I could visit all the sites one by one in order and drop and comment, and by simply closing the tab, the next site window would automatically appear for me to drop on. Help!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Caroline, Slap & Tickle landlady, is off for a visit home on Thursday. She will be gone probably a whole month. We all wish her a good time.

I am a little reluctant to call it a "holiday" since Caroline is from England, and that means it is more of a homecoming than a holiday. But since she has been away for quite a while now, it probably qualifies as a holiday.

Caroline has her own blogs, Song Of Happiness which I will probably run into the ground while she is gone, and Caromie. But she has always been at least the "honorary" landlady here at the pub, and has always been a staunch supporter from day one. Caroline designed the Slap & Tickle logo with the hand and the feather on a black background. As I write this, it occurs to me that some Americans who read this blog don't know what the words Slap & Tickle mean.

Caroline is from the Northeast of England, where I presume she will be spending most of her holiday time, or a good part of it, anyway. Nothing says "party" like a visit to a small town in Durham in August, right? Right. Rumor has it they have erected a bronze statue of Caroline in the village square with a plaque on it that reads, "The One Who Escaped." I'm kidding, of course. I myself grew up in a small town. In Michigan. The big difference between Caroline and me is I'm not fucking going back. Her small town is also the birthplace of actor Rowan Atkinson. The Bean. No monument to Rowan I don't think. He escaped too. Seriously, I loved my small town when I was growing up, and I know Caroline does too. I only joke with her.

I've heard they talk funny in that part of England. Well, to an American, you ALL talk funny. But especially so from there. Caroline doesn't talk like that though. In fact, to me, Caroline sounds Aussie. Go figure. A kangaroo chick in Durham.Have a good time, Caroline. Send photos and Twitter. Be safe. We will miss you.

[Slap & Tickle definition and Doodle by Claire. Click image to enlarge. Used with permission.]