Saturday, December 31, 2016

The year 2016 was a bit of a roller coaster for me with my
oldest child moving to the other side of the globe and my youngest leaving home,
but I prepared for it and gave myself extra grace. For me, this grace looked like coffee with lots of half and
half, salted almonds, and massively huge bags of tortilla chips. It also looked like me being a little
nicer to myself.

At one point (actually, most of my existence previous to
this year) in my life, I forced myself to do lots of things and I was very
disciplined—mostly because I thought that was how I was supposed to be.It seemed to be the mode of operation
for all the women I admired. So I chose to work hard at working out, eating right,
and being diligent with a mostly-regular quiet time.I got up early, made lots of food from scratch, and kept a
clean house.

Now, however, as I am nearing the half-century mark (and am
a novice empty-nester), I am starting to find out who I really am…and that I
don’t enjoy all that structure so much and that I really prefer slowness to
speed.I have discovered I am a
nicer person if I don’t try to be someone that YOU want me to be, but, instead,
tap into the person that God made ME to be; He’s the only One that needs to
approve anyway, amiright?

And you know what?I’m not really the tough girl I used to strive to be, nor am I very
brave; I only look that way sometimes because I hang out with my adventurous
family.I’m actually the one that
cries like a baby when the hiking gets hard and hyperventilates when I have to
climb mountains.I’m just a
normal, sometimes fragile, middle-aged (wow, I have never used that adjective
to describe myself) gal who resists change like the plague and who happens to
like cute things that look like animals (you know, like the cow-shaped cream
pitcher that allows you to dispense milk while simultaneously pretending the
animal is vomiting) and flannel sheets with rabbits on them (not actual
rabbits, though that would be cozy).

I have taken to walking in the sunrise with my exuberant pup
most days rather than performing exercises that make me want a four-hour nap by
9 a.m.I let myself eat a cookie
with my coffee and have no guilt about it; I even bought a cookie jar shaped
like a fox to put them in.Brent
and I have been doing a Bible read-through in the mornings where we read a
passage and then talk about it, and I haven’t been as rigid about spending my
own time in the Word, nor have I been journaling regularly. But I am gaining a
depth of knowledge from listening to Scripture being read to me.In fact, each night when I go to bed, I
am anxious for morning to come so we can have our coffee/Bible time all over
again.

Since my kids are out of the house and my morning schedule
is much more lenient, I am allowing myself to sleep in occasionally (but not if
it makes me miss my coffee date) and enjoying the coziness of my flannel sheets
and the deliciousness of slumber. I occasionally purchase convenience products as
part of my meals and have chosen to not look at the labels but instead, to enjoy
my reduced stress level.Also, I
often just consume tortilla chips from a giant bag for an entire meal, and I’m
okay with that.

My house is easier to keep clean now, with less people
inhabiting it, but it still gathers dust and pet hair and cobwebs.Uncharacteristically, or maybe not
really (who am I anyway?), lately those things haven’t really bothered me.Occasionally, if someone is coming
over, I will pull my sweater sleeve over my hand and do a quick dusting of the
china cabinet.

And, instead of feeling a loss of control by giving some of
these former “necessary things” up and loosening my grip on some of the others,
I have felt a new freedom and a deep-seated joy in my paradigm shift. I am not
suggesting that these changes are all positive, nor necessarily permanent, but
switching things up a bit has helped me successfully navigate formerly
unchartered territory.I am also
learning that spending more time on what I enjoy actually fuels my mind and
body to complete the drudgery important things that all card-carrying adults must do (ie:
laundry, unloading the dishwasher, and buying actual food).

Lately, though, I am hankering for a bit more structure and
will likely pick up some of the dropped balls; others, however, will continue
to sit on a lower shelf; they don’t need nearly as much attention as I formerly
gave them.And like the “chips for
supper” decision, I’m okay with that.

In this year, the grace year of 2016, the year I lowered my
expectations for who I am and what I should accomplish, I am much more content
with who God made me to be. In
conclusion, I guess I write all of these to convince myself that even in a time
of great transition, I’m still okay. Life is still good. And the
liberties I have given myself to “grieve” and adjust—to be more childlike and
less hardcore--have made me feel less frantic and frazzled. That’s what we all want, isn’t it? Just a little sanity mixed in with our craziness? We always think we are in control; we
really never have been. However,
being nice to myself in my year of transition has leveled out the bumps of this
wild ride and made the bruises not nearly so bad. At least nothing a Hello Kitty band-aid and a few tortilla
chips can’t fix.

This is real life folks, not dress-rehearsal.I am planning on
enjoying it fully.

How about you?

Happy 2017!

“In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and He answered
by setting me free.”

Friday, December 30, 2016

Brent and I are planning to an extended fast to ring in the new year 2017. The last few years, we have adopted the practice of doing a one day fast most weeks, but we thought doing a longer time of food denial might help us do a little re-set on our diets, our priorities, and our prayer life. I thought about writing a blog about fasting, but when I looked through my archives, I found this from December of 2012 and thought it appropriate even though it refers to a different kind of starving...

I once had a very wise 7th grade English teacher who, when asked how he got his dog to stop pooping inside the house, said,

“It’s simple; I just stopped feeding him.”

Cute. Now, if you love your dog, I wouldn’t recommend that. And maybe if you want to keep feeding your dog and he won’t stop pooping on your carpet, you could get some diapers and cut out a hole for his tail, or you could hook up a bucket-type thing—like you see on horses in parades—to catch anything falling from his little hiney. Or you could train him to do his duty outside. Novel idea.

You know though, when you apply this idea to sin in our lives, it makes perfect sense. We can struggle with sin all we want, but until we make a decision to demote it to it’s rightful place—with us being it’s master through Jesus’ resurrection on the cross—and it being our slave, we will have no victory (I wrote about that in my last post. You can read it here). Really, it’s all about starving; starving our sinful habits until they are no longer habits, saying “no” to ourselves when we struggle with an appetite for temporal sinful pleasures, and ignoring our feelings (by listening to our minds that are filled with God’s truth) when they thirst for vengeance, unforgiveness and immorality.

If we want sin to stop coming out of us (believe me, dear reader, I could have written that in a much more creative, distasteful way), we need to stop feeding it. We need to crave God’s glory more than our pleasure. We need to see long, like God does, and not short, like we do. And we need to make choices that make us look more and more like Jesus and less like ourselves.

So, here’s to starving our sin (and our dogs, but only if we don’t like them. Kidding, I’m kidding. Don’t report me) until old habits die and new life appears.

No carpet cleaning necessary.

What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

This is my new grand niece, Amelia Josephine, born two just
two weeks before this picture was taken.
I had the privilege of spending her very first Christmas with her along
with lots of extended family. We
spent most of our holiday time ooing and ahhing over her tiny perfection and
watching her 22-month-old brother do cute things.

As I held little Amelia in my arms, I was struck by the
reality—THE REALITY-- that Christ was born to us as a baby--A BABY! At this time of year, we read and sing
of this fact often;

"You will find a baby wrapped
snugly in strips of cloth,lying in a manger."

"Thelittle Lord Jesus lay down His sweet
head."

"Holy infant so tender and mild"

"Glory
to the newborn King"

But do we truly understand what Christ did for us by becoming
utterly helpless?Do we comprehend
how He left His place in Heaven and confined Himself in skin?Do we grasp how our most powerful God
allowed Himself to sleep silently in an animal trough?Can we truly fathom that the same voice
that created the entire universe now limited Himself to a feeble cry?

It’s absurd, really.A limitless, ageless God chose to intersect time and space and become a
limited, time-bound man; and not just a man, a baby; tiny, helpless, poor.

So why did He do it?
God saw His children needed Him.
Yet, because of their sins, there was no way they could get to Him.
So He became one of them, and He lived among them to save them and bring
them close again. Not only did He
live with them; He loved them; and He died for them…and in their place. And then He rose again—conquering
death, their greatest foe.

He chose to enter the world in a way that none expected; not
as a king; wearing extravagant robes and sitting on a royal throne, but as a baby; swaddled with strips of tattered cloth and lying in a hay-filled manger. Our mighty, strong, omniscient God chose to come to us in the most unthinkable form, wrapped in skin and humility; a tiny newborn babe.

Just like little Amelia.Just for little Amelia. And just for you too.

What child is this, who, laid to rest,
On Mary's lap is sleeping?
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?
This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing:
Haste, haste to bring him laud,
The babe, the son of Mary.

She will give birth to a son, and you are to give
him the name Jesus,because he will
save his people from their sins.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

For my last Thankfulness Things post, I want to share the
thing I am most thankful for:unconditional love.Humanity has trouble with this one—even the best of us—but God extends
it freely.

When we surrender our right to ourselves and ask Jesus to be
our Savior, He exchanges our sin for His Righteousness. He gets our rags and we get His
spotless garment of forgiveness and love. The trade is mighty uneven. Even so, because of the shedding of
Christ’s perfect blood for our sins, we are covered with “Jesus clothes” and
our Holy Father sees as clean and pure.
We can do nothing to earn this; it is purely unconditional Love that
gives it. Because Jesus took our
sins to the cross with Him, He is our ultimate sacrifice, our propitiation, our
substitute, our payment—by His wounds we are healed. I love this quote by Tullian Tchividjian in his book, One
Way Love,“The Gospel of Jesus
Christ announces that because Jesus was strong for you, you’re free to be weak.
Because Jesus won for you, you’re free to lose. Because Jesus was Someone,
you’re free to be no one. Because Jesus was extraordinary, you’re free to be
ordinary. Because Jesus succeeded for you, you’re free to fail.”

And because Jesus loves you unconditionally,
you can be sure you are precious to Him.The good day/bad day scenario doesn’t work with God.He loves you all the time because of
Jesus.He sees you as righteous
every day because of Jesus.His
judgment is assuaged because Jesus satisfied it.He views you as He views His son, because of Jesus
perfection—not yours.God can love
us unconditionally because all of the conditions of righteousness were met in
His Son.

We can do nothing to deserve His
love. That is why it is called
“unconditional”, but we can extend
to our family, our friends, even our enemies to show them what true love is.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only
Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

~John 3:16

The love of God is greater far Than tongue or pen can ever tell.It goes beyond the highest star And reaches to the lowest hell.The guilty pair, bowed down with care, God gave His Son to win;His erring child He reconciled And pardoned from his sin.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

I love to walk in the early mornings and see the day wake up
little by little.The sky, usually
deep dark blue when I begin, turns all shades of pink, purple, and orange as
the sun peeks over the horizon.It
does this every day—whether I can see it or not; sometimes the clouds cover the
splendor; other times, I don’t get outside until the sun is fully up and all I
see is the big blue sky.Regardless of the weather or my activity, though, the sun continues to
rise. When I walk, the
verse, “The path of the righteous is like
the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day”(Proverbs 4:18)often comes to mind and I am filled with gratefulness that God is
continuing to work on my rough edges and selfish desires.God promises me that if I will allow
His Spirit to work in me and if I will obey Him when I feel like rebelling, He
will be faithful to His job to change me into the Tori he intended since the
creation of the world.

Sometimes, when I have chosen
not to use my renewed mind, or when my time in the Word is lacking, I struggle
to act Christianly.And sometimes,
even when I am doing “all the right things”, I still mess up because I am human
and faulted and weak.The times
that I fall are the times that I doubt God could ever use someone as clumsy and
clunky as me.But He can, because
even though I am faulted and tempted by my rogue emotions, God uses imperfect
vessels to carry out His perfect plans.He does this purposely to help us remember we aren’t as great as we
think, “But we have this treasure in jars
of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”(2 Cor 4:7) because He is so much greater than we can imagine.

In the same way that I can’t
control the rising of the sun, I can’t control the speed of my
sanctification.I can, however,
take hold of the promise that it is happening within me, even without my
awareness.God is good like
that.

“In general, the soul makes greater progress when
it least thinks so, yea, most frequently when it imagines it is losing.”

~St. John of the Cross

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

“In the beginning…God created mankind in his own image,in the image of
God he created them;male and female he created them.”

Once, when Brent and I were first married, I decided to
impress him with my culinary prowess and make a big pot of chili.I diligently followed the recipe that said
to include “ 4 cloves of garlic, crushed”.Being new to reading recipes, and especially new to garlic,
I assumed “a clove” was the entire head of garlic—which I thought was plenty,
but hey, garlic was supposed to be good for you—so I added FOUR ENTIRE HEADS of
garlic to the pot.Needless to
say, because I didn’t understand the directions of the recipe, our chili was
VERY GARLICKY and completely inedible.Sometimes, I think we assume God did that same thing when he decided to
create people; that He went about it haphazardly and things turned out all
wonky. We think it strange that we are supposed to be “equal” but have
different roles.We want to change
His recipe for maleness and femaleness.

As a woman, I can be dissatisfied in the role God gave me—to
be a help-mate, a nurturer, a life-giver in every sense of the word.I can view my feminine role as weaker
and therefore become a competitor to, rather than a completer of, my
husband.When I try to embody the
role that God gave to men and I aggressively disdain the internal urgings of my
feminine soul, I may be praised by the world, but I will struggle
internally.I will struggle because
I was made to be a woman and the desires and instincts that make me want to
care for others, do “home” things, and be sensitive to the emotions and moods of
those around me are put there by an intentional God.The book Designed for
Joy explains it well, “[God] didn’t make one mistake in creating humans
male and female. Why does this matter? Because for us to embrace our
femininity, we must first understand that it wasn’t an accident.This not only gives us confidence to
trust God’s design; it should also bring us great joy.The Lord of the universe created us
like he intended—and called it good.”

As a woman, like the man, I am created in the image of
God.This realization should give
me the freedom to eagerly display my femininity and, when living in tandem with
Biblical masculinity, provide a way for me to show a full picture of our Father
to the world.God’s created design
really is the best for us in all of nature (have you ever tried to fight
against gravity?You WILL lose)
and in our personhood.When we
choose to stay under His Lordship and within His boundaries, we have so much
freedom to be ourselves, and so much protection from the influences of our dark
world.

It’s still okay with God if I bring home the bacon (to put
in the chili, of course), as long as I do it with an understanding of who I am
in Him.I can do some masculine
things and still have the heart of a woman who desires to please God by
following Him and willingly submitting to His authority.

Let all things their
Creator bless,And worship Him in humbleness,O praise Him! Alleluia!Praise, praise the Father, praise the Son,And praise the Spirit, Three in One!

Monday, November 21, 2016

I was always amazed when I read the story of Esther in the
Bible.At one point, Esther learns
that her people are to be violently annihilated and she, as the queen, may be
able to save them.But, the law of
the land was that no one (not even the queen) could enter the king’s presence
unbidden.If the king did not
extend his scepter to this impostor, the penalty was immediate death.Yet, Esther, fully trusting in the God
she served said, “I will go to the
king, though it is against the law, and if I perish, I perish.”She trusted more in the
plans of her sovereign Father than in her own imminent danger.And as the story goes, Esther is
invited into the King’s presence and God’s people are saved from extinction.

Not only do I struggle with
having the attitude of “…if I perish, I perish”, but I am constantly trying to
control all of the variables so that I don’t have to even think about perishing.In my finite mind I believe that if I
can just get the safest flight, or the car with the most advanced air bags, or
if I can consume enough spinach and quinoa, and if I never ever sky dive, THEN
I will be fully insulated from anything bad that might happen to me.

But here’s what really
happens: When I focus my energies on
myself and my health and my possible demise, I am consumed with worry and I
feel like everything is a threat; I feel out of control. But when I replace those thoughts with
words of surrender to God’s perfect plans, I can rest in His sovereignty.He is after all, the One who is
actually in control—I never have been.
As I read through the Bible, it doesn’t guarantee that I will be safe
from harm, but it does say God is good.
He’s good even when I don’t understand His “goodness”. It doesn’t say that my life will be all
roses, but it does say God’s plans will prevail. Now, if God is always good, and if His plans always happen
the way he intends, then why do I worry, as if I had any power to change
things? I can’t, of course, throw
all caution to the wind, as God calls us to be wise and use our transformed
minds, but I can stop worrying about what is coming next and trust in He who is
in charge of history.

And I can even go skydiving if I
want.

But only if I want to speed my
journey to heaven because I am sure I would die from a heart attack on the way
down.

Whoever dwells in
the shelter of the Most High will rest in the
shadow of the Almighty.I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Psalm 91:1-2

“Jesus, I am resting, resting in the joy of what Thou art; I am finding
out the greatness of Thy loving heart. Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
and Thy beauty fills my soul, for by Thy transforming power, Thou hast made me
whole.”

Sunday, November 20, 2016

When I was an eighth grader at Albia Community Middle
School, my home-economics teacher, Rowena Hardinger, required us to complete a
sewing project as part of our education.Feeling ambitious and capable, I guess, I choose to sew a melon-colored
terrycloth romper.The pattern I
chose showed a cute young girl with perfect hair wearing a one-piece shorts
outfit and smiling.That could be
me, I thought.So, in a hurry to
become that smiling, romper-wearing teen, I lay out my pattern pieces upon the
fuzzy fabric and began to cut—hastily.My friends were completing their bags and shirts and skirts so quickly
that I, finally sitting at my sewing machine, sewed with great gusto and soon
finished my assigned project.The
final part of the plan for our creations was to model them at our eighth grade
graduation, which would be happening later that week.I took my item home so that I could try it on (I find it
strange I hadn’t tested it out during the sewing process) before my modeling
debut and found, to my dismay, that I had made one of the romper’s legs shorter
than the other.In my haste, I had
neglected to measure correctly and was left with an imperfect product.This mistake required me to stand in an
unnatural posture when modeling since I was horrified by my ineptitude.

I tell you all of this to introduce you to my third
Thankfulness Thing: The Word of
God. I am grateful for the Word of
God because it provides a measure for me, and if I align my thoughts, words and
actions against it, I can bring God glory. If I forget my measure, or use our
world as my ruler, I will end up letting my heart or popular opinion determine
what is right, instead of the perfect and unchanging Word of God. The world measures itself against
itself and comes up impatient, unkind, and unhappy because they don’t know that
the Word is right and true. Our
emotions often measure themselves against what our hearts say and end up taking
us in directions that will destroy, not heal. When we slow down to measure our behavior against what God
has said is true, our lives will bless others and be a sweet aroma to our
Father. And we will
be able to model Christ with confidence instead of shame.

We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with
some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and
compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.

2 Corinthians 10:12

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond
cure. Who can understand it?

Jeremiah 17:9

For the word of Godis aliveand active.Sharper than any
double-edged sword,it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and
marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.Hebrews 4:12

How firm a foundation you saints of the Lord,is laid for your faith in his excellent Word!What more can he say than to you he has said,to you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?

Saturday, November 19, 2016

If you have read through the Old Testament of the Bible, you will find fickle people, just like me. But, you will also find a very present and faithful God--a God of mercy, justice...and faithfulness. I am so thankful for God's faithfulness because, as I said yesterday, there is absolutely nothing I have done to deserve it. God's character is always perfect, even with very imperfect children. My sweet daughter-in-law, Jessica*, summarized this so well when she shared with me some musings after studying through the book of Hosea...

I’m no good with history.
It’s hard for me to remember a lot of what I read in the Bible because it is contextual.
The Bible is sweet in that way, it’s always connecting back to itself. But, it
makes it exceedingly difficult with little scriptural knowledge to understand
the sweetness of the words. I find myself especially lost in the Old Testament.
I’m not sure when any of this happened, who all the people involved are, who is
important for me to know and who can I forget, what the cultural implications
for this scripture is, and what I’m supposed to do with it now.

I want to challenge myself to
process more of the scripture I read. It’s a lot of the in one ear out the
other most times when I read. So this is what I learned from the book of Hosea,
through a women’s discipleship group in the fall of 2016. Initially we see a
story about a man named Hosea who was directed by God to marry a woman who
would be unfaithful to him. It’s hard for me to get my mind around God telling Hosea
that he’s walking into an unsuccessful situation and equally as mind numbing that
Hosea was obedient. Hosea goes out and marries Gomer. Soon after their marriage
begins she sleeps with other men. Hosea continues to provide for Gomer and she goes
on with these other men, even giving them credit for the many blessings in her
life. She thanks them for providing things like food, shelter, and provision
when actually it was Hosea who was doing the work. Hosea is told to reconcile
with his wife and to bring her back to himself. He does so and they make a new
covenant with each other.

The story of Hosea and his
wife ends near the beginning of the book. The story transitions from one about
the marriage of Hosea and Gomer and focuses on the marriage between God and
Israel. God was faithful to bring the Israelites out of slavery and Egypt. When
they were saved they quickly gave the credit that was due to God to the things
made by their hands. They worshiped idols instead of God. The Israelites fall
into a vicious cycle where they go back to God again and again, and they fall
away from him again and again. Their hearts are not sincere when they repent
and ask for forgiveness and worship.

I find it easy to judge the
Israelites. The worship they were taking from God was so obvious. Our misguided
worship now is much easier to hide. I may not have a golden calf sitting in the
center of my house, but I do give my worship to other undeserving things. My heart is filled with desires to cook
the perfect meal, have an organized house, and feeling “put together” as I
leave the house. Just as quick as they repent they go back to sinning, but
isn’t my heart the same? I repent, I tell God that I’m truly sorry, but I keep
on sinning. I repent of binge watching TV instead of spending time in the word
and I turn the TV back on. I feel disappointment when the meal I prepared isn’t
as satisfying as I wanted it to be. I keep on choosing myself, my desires, and
my flesh over the God who saved my soul from eternal separation from Himself.

I saw my heart with clarity
as I read Hosea, especially near the end of the narrative I found myself saying
“enough already! God stop!” God is rightly punishing the Israelites for their
disobedience and unfaithfulness. But I was done with the wrath and ready for
the mercy. I was ready for the God I knew and loved to show up. God was always
faithful to them, even when He was executing His wrath on them. This is because
His faithfulness is always first to Himself and then to His people.

Am I compartmentalizing God?
Am I dealing with and pushing through His wrath and unsavory characteristics to
have the love, grace, and mercy for myself? Am I putting myself and my judgment
ahead of God? I think the answer is yes. I am thankful that through the book of
Hosea I was reminded about my sinfulness and rebellion every day.But I am most blessed to be able to
know, understand, and love more about the character of God.

Friday, November 18, 2016

I really wanted to title this post, “All the things my dog
has destroyed in the last 14 months”, but I didn’t think that sounded
especially grateful, so that idea was nixed, even though you may see it creep
in as a future post (I once did a post about all the things my kids have lost which is a very similar concept, but also mostly ungrateful). My real goal with this weeklong series of Thankfulness
Things was to get my mind in the right place so that when wrong thoughts tempt
to pull me into their grasp, I can immediately recall these very real blessings
that I have in my life. Here’s my
first installment in the series:

I AM THANKFUL FOR GRACE

I am thankful for grace because I am so very fickle.Two days ago, in the evening, I drove
home from Bible study feeling committed and confident on my quest to eventually
reach the Celestial City (we have just finished studying the book Pilgrim’s Progress, and the last chapter is gold!).
Filled with spiritual adrenaline, I had decided to “let nothing this
side of Heaven possess my soul” and to keep my eyes on the prize—namely Jesus
Christ. But, as I turned into my
driveway, I saw half of one of my very favorite blue rubber rain boots laying
on the cement in the dark and the other half in glimmering navy shreds all
across the lawn. Immediately, I
tanked. I forgot to “set my face
like flint” on the narrow path. I
forgot that “our light and
momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs
them all”. I forgot that “God
works all things together for good for those who love him”.

I chose
to believe that my life was now bad and that someone needed to take the blame.

All
because of a rain boot.Talk about
first world problems.

I had
allowed a destructive dog and a shredded piece of footwear to determine how I
responded to my situation, my husband, and really, my God.How sad is that?

Not too
sad for grace.

I am so
thankful that God has offered me grace when I let my very entitled attitude
tell me that I deserve an easier journey--with less sweat and more even ground.

I am so
thankful that God has offered me grace when I choose to pout in the “Slough of
Despond” instead of pulling myself up with His great and precious promises.

And I
am so thankful that God has offered me grace when I descend into the Valley of
the Shadow because of my grief over a pair of $23 rain boots.

I am so
thankful that God has offered me grace.

Because
I will never, ever deserve it.
Yet, He gives it freely anyway.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;Grace, grace, God’s grace,Grace that is greater than all our sin!

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Today marks one month and three days from the day we dropped
the last little Haverkamp off at college.Life is much different than it used to be…and it’s not half bad.Here’s why:

1. Mornings are slower because I am not trying to clean up
any dishes left in the sink or the remnants of lunch-making mania.They now involve drinking coffee and
sitting with my main man on the porch talking and listening to the birds
welcoming the day. I love our new morning routine.

2. Suppers are
quiet and kind of pieced-together; we have had lots of soup, sandwiches,
quesadillas, and eggs.If I make
an entire roast or something in a 9x13 casserole, we have to eat it
forever.And that’s a long
time.

3.Speaking of
food, I finally went on a real grocery shopping trip last week after Brent
said, “Hey, I don’t mean to be critical, but we have nothing in the pantry and
only Half and Half in the fridge.”He was actually wrong since we had tortilla chips and salted almonds in
the pantry and a half a bar of dark chocolate in the secret drawer by the
fridge.He was, however, right
about the Half and Half.I mean,
since no one is really around anymore, I pretty much just eat those
things.And only those
things.I am a bad eater when I am
alone.

4.We go
through lots of Half and Half—in our coffee because it has to be light tan—but
not much milk.I had to pour some
milk down the drain yesterday because it was sour.We even started buying whole milk, thinking that we could
use it in the place of Half and Half if we ran out.Because running out of Half and Half is an emergency.

5.Our
conversations center on either the dog or the Roomba—mostly things like, “Jet
tore the drainpipe off of the garage and ate it today” or “Do you know where
the Roomba is?I started it before
I went to work so it must be stuck under the bed.”We are able to talk about these very arcane and boring
subjects for an entire mealtime.I
think we are going to have to buy those little note cards with conversation
starters on them so we can expand our repertoire.

6.We see way
more movies.We have gone out to a
movie theater THREE times (and we even got popcorn once!) since we have been on
our own.Two of the movies were
great, but Brent fell asleep at the third since it was animated and about pets.I did not fall asleep.

7.Evenings are
uninterrupted and slightly boring.Which is why we have gone to so many movies.And out for ice cream.

8.You know all
that time I spent stressed out when I had kids at home because their rooms were
disasters and they never made their beds?Well, those same rooms stay neat and tidy now and the beds are made
beautifully.This is both a happy
and a sad thing.The bathrooms
staying clean however, is an entirely happy thing.

9.I post
videos of my dog on Facebook and celebrate his birthday by buying him a toy and
letting him play with the old dog food bag.

10. Brent mows the yard now, and we had to decide who would
take the garbage out.I have 100%
of the pet duty and Brent puts salt in the softener.He has also agreed to cook one day a week, and on Sunday he
made eggs with an avocado garnish and a side of salsa.It was yummy. He had forgotten that he
was a great short order chef.

11.Everywhere
we go, we notice other people who are obviously empty-nesters doing the same
empty-nesting things as us—kind of like when you are pregnant and you notice
all the pregnant women—kind of like that, but with no baby.

12.We take
lots of walks together in the morning--and sometimes at dusk—and we marvel at
God’s goodness to us.He has
blessed us richly.So richly.Like coffee with lots of Half and Half,
except better.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

This past year was just a big succession of things we had to do: senior
pictures, college stuff, grad parties, banquets, and it all kept me so busy, I
didn’t really think about the reality of what was coming. Now he’s gone; moved
out; grown-up; independent; and I’m walking around in his empty room noticing
all the things he left.I always
do that when this happens—when my children leave home for college and I am left
in a stupor, lethargic and mourning.I quietly walk into their rooms and notice things; things they thought
not important enough to bring along to their new life—formerly beloved things: the
faded baby blanket kept under a pillow at night; the stuffed panda with a hole
in its head; Raggedy Ann whose face is stained pink around her mouth; the soft
robe. The robe! Why did he not take the robe??? His old loveys are quarantined in the
highest recesses of the closet; Gorilla, Ow the cat, Chocolate Cake the beanie
pup.They look down from their
perch waiting for him.

This is my life now. I wander from room to room feeling like
doing absolutely nothing, but forcing myself to do the next thing: laundry,
then dishes, then cleaning out my broken fridge.I decide to eat chocolate to placate myself, and, as I put a
knife into the peanut butter that I intend to put on my chocolate, I break; big
tears falling onto the dining room table; huge, gasping belly sobs that have waited to come out since yesterday
when we left him. when we finished the job of daily parenting in our home.We’re done, y’all.DONE.I didn’t really think it through—the fact that it would all
end.Right about now, I want to be
finished with this emptiness and go back to the way things used to be; the
busyness and buzz that used to be the Haverkamps. Why do these transitions
always punch me so hard in the gut?I knew I was starting the whole grieving thing when I began to be
forgetful a few days ago; and when I stopped eating.I still eat chocolate.obviously.For pete’s sake,
he’s close, I tell myself.That
helps me.I can still touch him if
I want. And smell his head. But it will never be the same, this family we
built. I think my mind goes through a kind of shock; trauma; panic;
and tries to make sense of it all.When it can’t, it turns inward, producing yuk. confusion.
heaviness.I’m not sure what to do
about it, so I walk around and cry about fuzzy robes and long-forgotten beanie
pups.

The second day after his move out, in the afternoon, I feel
comatose.I clean out my pantry of
all Gatorade powder, granola bars and regular animal crackers; I save the
chocolate ones (because you know, coffee). I never eat these things and what do
empty nesters keep in their pantries anyway because mine is mostly bare. I move
onto the mudroom and see the Snickers bars in the freezer and I cry. again. I
can eat them if I want to, and maybe that would make me feel better, but really
they are for a big white boy who doesn’t live here anymore.

Life is weird.You just get to a stage that you really enjoy, like when you have all of
your kids home and you eat on the porch for supper and then the children rush
out the screen door and down the steps so they can play on the swing set all
together and you and your husband look at each other and say, “These are the
golden years” and you think that those “golden years” will last longer.But they don’t and so you feel
unsettled and everything feels so foreign and hard.It’s kind of like fishing, the catch
and release kind, where it’s fun when you’re doing it, but you know you can’t
keep them. I mean really KEEP them.Release is imminent.

This
unfamiliarity, this quiet, empty feeling, is my new life.When Brent and I had
“practice sessions” for empty nesting this summer, it seemed fun and carefree and
I was super excited.But, let me
tell you, when it really happens, and it is no longer practice, the whole
element of fun turns sour.I know
this feeling is temporary and don’t get me wrong, I AM looking forward to
hanging out, just with Brent alone, cause I really like him, but I’m trying to
recall life before our kids—the sweet times of just the two of us—and it’s not
coming in very clearly—I keep pressing play, but my mind keeps reverting to
rewind and all the images of all the things we have done as a family keep appearing
on my brain.It will come into focus, I’m sure, when the newness becomes
normality, and when I stop making so much extra food (do you know you don’t
have to use all the pasta in the bag?You can use just half.It
keeps). It’s just Brent and me
now; that’s how it’s going to be, God-willing, for a very long time. Because I
know that, even though Cole is close, he will never really live at home again
permanently.Our family will never
live here all together again.Our
job, here, is done.

It’s been a
very long job.And a very shortjob.
And the bestjob that I ever
had.
And the hardestjob I ever had.
And I will missit.
And I will [some day] be gladwe're done.
And I will wish I had timeto do more things with them.
And I will
welcome my own independence.

I will adjust.
I will wake up happy again.

Right now though, when things feel strange, I will remember to thank God
who blessed me with more joy than I could ever imagine.And I will be thankful, so very
thankful, because He has been very good to me.