20 months. A year and a half. That’s how long I’ve been writing this book:

You might think this book is cheap, throwaway drivel and that I’ve wasted a year and a half on tomfoolery. Technically, you’d be right, except you aren’t, because this is by far the best book ever written.

It’s a tale of passion…romance, love, betrayal, horror and people being eaten by a giant lizard while they are pooping.

It’s a tale of redemption, of how a broken down, defeated officer of the law makes amends with his ex-wife and learns to forgive himself for his past mistakes while hunting down…a giant lizard who eats people while they are pooping.

It’s a parody that mocks our news media entertainment complex, our political system, restores comedy to its natural, off the chain, no holds barred, everyone gets offended because that’s what good comedy does state…and it’s also about a giant lizard who eats people while they are pooping.

Thank you for joining me on this adventure.

I am but one man. I like to think I am superhuman, that I am capable of anything, but from time to time, my health reminds me that I am only capable of so much.

Unfortunately, I can’t write about people getting eaten while they are pooping 24/7. I just can’t. I wish I could. I really do. No, I really do. That would be an awesome job.

But that day isn’t here yet, so in the meantime, I must work, and take care of myself, and take time to exercise, eat well, relax, and destress. Novels about people being eaten while they are pooping will have to be written during the random, sweet moments of time I get to steal from the various forces of the world that keep me down.

I have so many ideas, but for now I must put them on my magic bookshelf. Don’t worry. They’ll be there when the time is right.

For now, I’ll focus on Toilet Gator Sequels, and on continuing the story of “The Last Driver.”

Perhaps one glorious day, novels about human eating alligators will make me rich, and I can write about alligators eating unsuspecting bathroom users all day. Why, that’s been the dream of many a writer ever since Gutenberg invented the printing press, so I would be very blessed by such a life.

But I’m not there yet, and if it’s ever to happen, it will take time and patience.

Some rest tonight, then I’ll be sending “Toilet Gator” to my editor soon, and then I’ll…well I think I might actually take a crack at “Toilet Shocker” next and see how that goes.

There are times in my life where I get very sad…when I think about all I hoped for in my youth and compare it with how I barely got 1 percent of a percent of a percent of what I wanted.

But then I remember I live in a world where the dream of self-publishing a book about a giant lizard who eats people while they are pooping is not only real, but you can also pay women in medical lab coats to talk about it:

I’m worried I might be giving away trade secrets here but oh well, only 3.5 people read this blog anyway.

I have decided for the time being I will stick with “The Last Driver” and “Toilet Gator,” bouncing between the two of them.

I have an idea in mind for a Toilet Gator sequel. In this one, there is a madman who sends electric eels up into toilets. The eels attach themselves to unsuspecting butts and then the psycho can control the eels so he threatens to have the eels shock people in the butt until they are fried to a crisp unless he gets what they want.

Originally, I wanted to call this book, “Toilet Shocker.”

However, the madman is inspired by Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathon, which tells us that men are, by nature, barbarians and without government to tame them, life is “nasty, brutish and short.” It would take me a while to explain but basically he wants the world to descend into government-less anarchy, making people doubt government as the govt cant save them from butt shocks.

So now I’m thinking of calling it “Toilet Leviathon.”

ARGUMENT TO CALL IT TOILET SHOCKER: It’s about people who get shocked on the toilet. If it is about people getting toilet shocked, then people show know that up front. The cover could be an electric eel with spots flying about him popping out of a toilet.

ARGUMENT FOR CALLING IT TOILET LEVIATHON – A leviathon is an ancient, biblical sea monster, an allegory that all the world’s evil takes the form of a monster that swallows us all. I believe that’s what Hobbes was getting at when he called his book Leviathon, that if man didn’t give up his naturally barbaric ways and seek a higher existence through government, then man’s collective evil, like a sea monster, would swallow the world.

It’s a cool name and the cover could feature a sea monster popping out of a toilet, but it would be false advertising as a sea monster never pops out of a toilet. I suppose a metaphysical one does as the madman convinces people to resort to their barbarian ways.

OTHER THOUGHTS – I’m not 100 percent sold on this one because umm…in my head, it doesn’t seem funny. I mean, maybe I’ll find the humor when I start writing but…you know…if I can’t think of a way to make toilet shocks funny then I might hold back and just move to my other funny sequel ideas.

Your old pal BQB here. Just an FYI, I haven’t been posting much lately because I am hard at working finishing up Toilet Gator, which is the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators.

Hold onto your butts. I’m so proud to announce that the third draft of Toilet Gator, the best novel ever written about an alligator who eats people while they are pooping, begins today. I hope this will be the last draft needed and then I’ll be able to get it to the editor later this summer.

I just hope I will be able to remain humble when the literary awards start coming my way.