Day 35: Doctors

Today I had a follow up appointment at the doctors and I can almost assuredly say that I feel, immediately, as if it was a waste of my time. Originally it was supposed to be a follow up for my depression and what can be done about it, but being that I’ve only had the Silver Cloud resources for about two weeks and even then, everything in my life of recent seems to have ground to a halt… I felt like they couldn’t have done anything about it if i’d brought it up, hell I don’t even know what I’d have wanted them to do.

Instead I acted like a coward.

Instead of putting the notion forwards that I was worried that the Silver Cloud resources wouldn’t be enough and that I might need to look at extra support, heck it wouldn’t be so mad if I said that I wanted them to help me with some medication! Psychotropic drugs, at this point, seem to be the next logical step.

It’s pathetic! I’M PATHETIC! I know how this works, I recognise the patterns and the kicker, the real fucking kicker, is that because I’m being so logical about this, because I can think through all of this with perfect clarity it’s not just self deprecation it’s the conclusion of a methodical thinking pattern.

I’m pathetic and it’s because I’ve become what I hate most of all.

A coward

I run from things instead of facing them, I shy away and I lie, and I cheat because I fear I’m not good enough, like I’ve played my hand and found it wanting… because I want to be someone else- not this cretin.