What to Do After You are Robbed in Oakland...

Under revised policies, officers will no longer be dispatched to the scene of most nonviolent crimes. Instead, the public will have to use the Internet to make a report online for dozens of crimes ranging from identity theft to vandalism, although the system is not yet equipped to handle them all.

People who lack access to a computer will have to find one, or go to Oakland police headquarters at 455 Seventh St. and use one of the crime report terminals in the lobby.

Now I don't make a habit of associating with Oaklanders (they're just a different bunch you know) but I do have a few that I call friends so should they need them, here are the instructions for getting Oakland PD to not come out. See, previously you would have to call them to get them to not come out but now you can do it all on the Internet. And they still won't come out.

Log on to www.oaklandnet.com to report a crime.
Click "Government" and then "Police Department"
Click "Make a Report" - let's hope you're not bleeding profusely at this point as that ruins computer keyboards.
If you do not have access to a computer, you can go to Oakland PD HQ at 455 Seventh St and use one of theirs. No, you cannot file the report directly with them, just use their computer. Even though they are right there in front of you. Seriously.
If your crime is not listed, call the non-emergency number (510-777-3333) for instructions.

Hey Oakland, can I offer a suggestion?

Get guns while they're still legal and strap up, you're on your own and it's your fucking city, time to take it back.