Thursday, September 05, 2013

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,My husband and I have disagreed about this since the
day we were married . I was divorced and he was divorced twice
.Let's call
him "Joe Smith" and I'll be "Jane Doe". After my divorce I went back to using my
maiden name . I didn't want to be the third "Mrs.
Smith".Here's the problem : Mail , holiday cards and
invitations all come addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Joe Smith." I feel it should
be "Mr. Smith" and "Ms. Doe".It irks me to no end and that people cannot grasp this
simple concept . I am right , Aren't I
?Who Am I
Dear Who Am I
,Basic etiquette says a married couple
is addressed as "Mr. and Mrs. Whatever," unless informed otherwise . Even if
people are aware you use your maden name, they may think it is only for
business purposes and not for social invitations
.This is not an unreasonable assumption, so you need to clarify your preference. You should let your friends and
family know that you use your maiden name for all forms of address and would
appreciate it if they would respect
that.Some folks may need to be reminded
more than once , so please be patient
.MaxyDear Maxy
,I have a
good friend who recently got sober . He had been a pretty heavy drinker for
many years, but he has been sober for about nine months . Here's my problem :
I am hosting a party with a few friends and we will be serving alcohol . We
want to invite our friend but do not want to set him up for failure. We also
don't want to hurt his feeling by not inviting him . There is no way that he
will NOT hear about the party .Good Friend Dear Good Friend
,Reach out to your friend and check in
with him . Ask him how he is doing and get a sense of how he is managing his
sobriety . You can ask him directly since he told you about his sobriety. Tell
hom about the party you are planning . Point out that you want him to come.
Make it clear that if he does not, you will fully understand
.Your directness will be appreciated . It may also ignite a conversation where the two of you can speak frankly
about his journey .Sometimes people who are sober can
manage in the company of others who are drinking . But a warning in
Alcohoilics Anonymous is about "people, places and things ." It could be that
he will be better off staying away from triggers that lead him to drink . Let
him decide .Maxy
Dear Maxy
,I am a
woman and I am deeply attracted to a good friend, also a female . We have
begun watching a racy TV show together at my home and it's becoming very
uncomfortable for me to watch it with her . I find myself wondering whether
I should instead offer to loan her the DVDs so she can watch them on her own
. If so do I need to explain why ?She has told me over the course of our friendship that
she is eschewing romantic relationships until she is in a healthy frame of
mind and she plans to move on in six months or so . I have a young son and am
not interested in a temporary entanglement . I do not want to alienate my
friend and am wondering what course of action is least likely to put a
crimp in our friendship .CrushingDear Crushing
,Is it possible your friend is
insterested in you romantically ? If you think that may be the case, you should
tell her that you are attracted to her and see what happens . However, if that
is too emotionally frightening and you fear it will end your friendship,
you need to stop these incendiary "dates" in whatever way removes the
intimacy from your get-togethers .Offer her the DVDs and say you are
tired of watching this show . You could suggest an alternate TV program that is
less racy ot invite more people over so it's not only the two of you . You could
meet at a local coffee shop or restaurant to chat . You do not have to bare
your soul to her if it makes you uncomfortable, but it means you must stop
putting yourself in this compromising position
.Maxy