Thursday, October 8, 2009

I need help,mentally, physically, emotionally..I really need help.I want to do so many things but:-my mind moves too fast for me to process them, -my body can't keep up with my mind, and-my heart surpasses both my mind and body, leaving it in the dust.Which brings me to the conclusion that I will continue to travel in this vicious circle and that is why I posted this.I need help. I believe my situation could be best described as Attention Deficit/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

For those of you who are reading my friends wonderful blog, http://thenheathersaid.blogspot.com/, I shortened her 101 things to do in 1001 days, down to 25 things to do in a year.25 in 3651. Go 6 months without cutting my hair2. Get a paycheck and put half in savings3. Sing in a kareoke bar4. Buy a stranger a cup of coffee5. Go to an airport and hop on the first plane pulling out6. Start writing a book7. Go a week without wearing any makeup8. Buy a one-way ticket somewhere9. Go to The Vattican10. Figure out what I want to do, career wise11. Take a road trip12. Have a birthday party with more than 10 in attendance13. Stick to my list at the grocery store14. Collect money for a charity15. Go in Target, and spend nothing16. Get one more tattoo17. Play football18. Write a letter19. Buy an expensive bottle of wine20. Go to an outdoor movie21. Go camping22. Attend a major league baseball game23. Make cupcakes from scratch24. Serve dinner at a soup kitchen25. Keep myself from falling too hard for anyoneAnyone game?

I woke up this morning and realized something. There is more to life than my exsistence, and as selfish as that sounds, think about it. All of our lives revolve around ourselves because that is our comfort zone. Here lately I have been sidestepping the boundaries of the before said zone, and it is really scary. ----> About to open up, please pay attention.After breaking off the wedding, I didn't know what I wanted because when I said yes to his proposal, the rest of my life had already been decided for me. I would wake up in the morning, go to work, come home from work only to make dinner for the two of us, do some wifely chores, and then sleep. Wake up the next morning, repeat. For those of you who think I am a bad person for backing out on my word, I really am not. I made a spur of the moment answer when I was caught up in a life that I thought I wanted. But I didn't. It is not fair to him that I did this, and I regret every day making him feel as badly as I think he does. I have tried so hard to accept the wife role over the last four months, but there is something in me that wants more. I want to get out of my comfort zone. I want to branch out and touch something extraordinary. I want to make something happen for myself, please myself, pick one of my crazy dreams and actually plan it out and follow through. Because, as together and strong as I may make myself out to be, I am really not. I pride myself on being together and a firm decision maker, but what most people don't see is that my decisions change as often as I change my underwear. No, wait...a little more often than that.A friend of mine yesterday described me as a "free spirit". I had never thought of myself that way. She said, "You are the type of person who could hop on a plane and go somewhere, just because you want to. And hell, if it didn't work out, you would come back home and try again later." She is right.I want to hop on a plane. My life's dream, as far-fetched as it may be, is to be like Carrie in Sex and the City. Travel to New York, become a writer, become successful (which in turn allows me to buy mulitple pairs of shoes) and fall in love with my Mr. Big.

Until my epiphany this morning, I never really thought I had it in me to go anywhere for longer than a weekend, but I think if I want to I can. It is scary and crazy, but I can. And I will.