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Author
Topic: A subject of bullying at 61 (Read 5413 times)

I work in Mesa. I'm a smoker and have been a victim of bullying because I'm openly gay. What bothers me most is that two males in the bullying group are closet cases.

Today I was out, smoking and they were all just joking about me and making fun of me. I now understand why the youngster's commit suicide. I feel so hated but the worse hurt is the closet gay's turning on me and rejecting me.

How awful. Is there anyone you can talk to about this situation?Also, it doesn't surprise me that self-haters project it outward. Not to give the bashers a pyschological excuse, however. An asshole is just an asshole - need to grow up and respect other people. Jesus!

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

true. assholes are assholes even when they have issues, unresolved apparently... However, that is there power and don't you give it to them. I would walk the other way or wear headphones so to ignore them. If they see that they are getting to you, then will act up more. But if they see that you are unaffected they won't have any fun and give up.

A quote from a older and wiser gentleman..."Never looking at anyone unless they demand I look. Never speaking to anyone unless spoken to."

If ignoring them doesn't work or makes it worse....you need a short course in Shit Talking 101. Telling them to grow up at this point would add fuel to thier fire so you need to hit them(with words) where it hurts and give them a taste of their own medicine.

Tell your supervisors what is going on so that if they report you for sticking up for yourself, your ass will be covered.

If ignoring them doesn't work or makes it worse....you need a short course in Shit Talking 101. Telling them to grow up at this point would add fuel to thier fire so you need to hit them(with words) where it hurts and give them a taste of their own medicine.

Tell your supervisors what is going on so that if they report you for sticking up for yourself, your ass will be covered.

Good Luck!!!

TRUE, if this is an on the job situation, you do have a course of action.

Honestly? The best way to deal with bullies is to ignore them, or laugh at them. Retorts only take you down to their level. Bullies only keep it up when they know they're getting to you and it seems pretty obvious that you make it plain they ARE getting to you. Don't give them the satisfaction.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Pardon me Larry, but how did you know they are closet cases? If you have had concrete proof; like seeing them at gay bars or friends bedding (God forbid)/knowing them, ..etc, why not confront them publicly and ask them what's their problem? It's all great and dandy to turn the other cheek but I for one DO NOT tolerate bullying nor believe in being pushed to a corner like Kurt was, the character on Glee.

Of cos you would better know the dynamics and make a better assessment on how to react accordingly but hypothetically, I would ask them publicly if sucking a bigger dong would make them bigger dicks themselves?

Remember, bullies sees avoidance as weakness. They are not made the same like us folks. Nip it in the bud if possible. Request for a supervisor meeting present with these jerks and ask them point blank. Again, it depends on your organization's policy on zero tolerance to bullying.

I think you need to strengthen your resources and perspective about bullies and bullying.You definitely should NOT confront these people if you don't feel up to it. Nor should you ignore it, cause obviously it is getting you down. That is why you need to talk to someone.

For the moment, you can do your best to ignore it, you never know, it might decrease. But, while you are trying to ignore it, prepare yourself by talking to someone and learning more about bullying. There are a few good internet sites.Here is one:http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/index.htm

If ignoring it doesn't help you feel protected, and better, than you have to go to the next step. It may not be up to you to confront the bullies, especially if you feel fragile. You'll need someone in authority. Also, you'll need some outside advice - someone outside of the situation who can give you neutral advice and listen to how YOU feel, and how YOU are dealing with it.

It's not your fault and you don't have to put up with it. But for the moment, don't put yourself in more duress. Work on the the best solution using people and resources that can find the best strategy for you alone in your particular situation.

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

When I first met the twink (he's 24) he came out to me and told me his PARTNER was beaten up in Scottsdale and he had to take him to get an operation. He found out quickly that he needed to be in the closet to be popular at work in the smoker's area.

He later quickly changed hist stories to me. Later he started to treat me with weird stares and glares when he passed me going in and out of the plant. So I wrote him off.

That is when he used my ignoring him and his friends to turn them against me. But I don't know what he told them.

The head of the click is homophobic and probably couldn't understand why I turned against him. But he must have put on a pretty good act at being distraught. I was taunted by them but didn't react and did nothing. I did contact Ethics and asked what to do. I was told to go to HR.

I went to HR but they would do nothing.

My hands are tied because Corporate policy is that I cannot out someone.

When I first met the twink (he's 24) he came out to me and told me his PARTNER was beaten up in Scottsdale and he had to take him to get an operation. He found out quickly that he needed to be in the closet to be popular at work in the smoker's area.

He later quickly changed hist stories to me. Later he started to treat me with weird stares and glares when he passed me going in and out of the plant. So I wrote him off.

That is when he used my ignoring him and his friends to turn them against me. But I don't know what he told them.

The head of the click is homophobic and probably couldn't understand why I turned against*********. But he must have put on a pretty good act at being distraught. I was taunted by them but didn't react and did nothing. I did contact Ethics and asked what to do. I was told to go to HR.

I went to HR but they would do nothing.

I just have to ask you why would you put this guys name out on a message board like this .... You have chosen to ignore some good advice about getting some help for your issues so its kind of making you look like part of the problem and not a victim .

That is the problem. I have to be ethical but closet cases and homophobes don't have to.

So I have no real defense. Is that what your saying?

I have to add that I'm 61. I had a heart attack last Christmas Eve and just got through Bronchitis which was two weeks of antibiotics and steroids. I've been living with HIV since 1986 and am out at work.

I think you need to strengthen your resources and perspective about bullies and bullying.You definitely should NOT confront these people if you don't feel up to it. Nor should you ignore it, cause obviously it is getting you down. That is why you need to talk to someone.

For the moment, you can do your best to ignore it, you never know, it might decrease. But, while you are trying to ignore it, prepare yourself by talking to someone and learning more about bullying. There are a few good internet sites.Here is one:http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/index.htm

If ignoring it doesn't help you feel protected, and better, than you have to go to the next step. It may not be up to you to confront the bullies, especially if you feel fragile. You'll need someone in authority. Also, you'll need some outside advice - someone outside of the situation who can give you neutral advice and listen to how YOU feel, and how YOU are dealing with it.

It's not your fault and you don't have to put up with it. But for the moment, don't put yourself in more duress. Work on the the best solution using people and resources that can find the best strategy for you alone in your particular situation.

I think you're advice is the best yet. similar to others but understanding and not crude.At least you seem to be sensitive as to how I feel alone and helpless at this time.

I'm not saying but I now know why so many young people are committing suicide. I really feel that many of them are victimized by closet cases who turn others against them. Then the victizer can feel safe that they have closed and locked their closet.

If you are going to continue to work there you are going to have to ignore them or pressure HR to do something about it, only you can decide. In the future I wouldn't go around telling 24 year olds my business unless it's stuff you don't mind everyone knowing. I hope this helps.

If you are going to continue to work there you are going to have to ignore them or pressure HR to do something about it, only you can decide. In the future I wouldn't go around telling 24 year olds my business unless it's stuff you don't mind everyone knowing. I hope this helps.

If you are going to continue to work there you are going to have to ignore them or pressure HR to do something about it, only you can decide. In the future I wouldn't go around telling 24 year olds my business unless it's stuff you don't mind everyone knowing. I hope this helps.

Did you read my post. He told me his business also. I've always been out at work.

Did you read my post. He told me his business also. I've always been out at work.

Yes I did read your post and understand the harassment aspect of it. You say they were joking and making fun of you, what did they say? If this all occurred on the smoke deck surely there must have been witnesses. HR departments generally take sexual harassment complaints very seriously, which is exactly what this is. If they are blowing you off have them document your complaint and ask for a copy so you have proof they are aware of it.

There is such a wide age range where I work, most of us older folks are pretty much dismissive to the childish behavior of the young'uns.

Either way, you sound depressed, isolated and may need to talk to a professional. I know when I was in the Navy, I was being harassed, bullied, but I read a book call, "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty." It showed me ways not to be manipulated by Assholes and how to ignore them. There are other books, but this one helped me. I hope this helps, but you need first not to be depressed and get your control back.

I really am sorry to hear what you're going through. I've been through varying types of bullying for my sexual orientation throughout my life. It can be quite traumatizing. I forget if you said what city and state you live in. There are varying levels of laws about harassment for sexual orientation, in some states they're great - in others they are non-existant. I would look at Lambda Legal and possibly call them to help you find out what your rights are (http://www.lambdalegal.org/). They might be able to lead you to a local legal resource if they can't help you themselves. Often, these services are free or sliding scale.

If you are in a state where harassment is explicitly illegal, then your employer has a legal obligation to protect you and to take disciplinary action against those doing the harassment. The first thing I would encourage you to do is to write down as much of the details as you can of the harassment that has already occurred, with dates, times and witnesses. After that, depending on the laws in your state, you should follow the guidance of the legal folks after that.

Feel free to PM me offline if you need help figuring this out. I'm heading off to my niece's college graduation soon and probably won't be online much until later today or this evening, but am glad to help however I can in terms of researching this stuff. I know how hard it is to figure out what to do when it is your livelihood that's on the line.

Either way, I do want to echo what I said earlier, and what others have said. No matter what you figure out in terms of the appropriate action - I would still really encourage you to talk with a counselor (a good one) about how all of this is affecting you emotionally and psychologically. Bullying takes a serious toll on you, and it can make a huge difference having someone objective to help in this regard.

I can only offer you moral encouragement to stay strong given all the circumstances related here. Bullying can only occur with the "blessings" of higher ups. If your HR "cannot or will not" do anything after highlighting your plight, it only confirms what is and mostly always will be bullying in most work places without a clear policy on anti-gay anti-bullying policies. Bullies operate in the absence of proper protection for minorities and injustices. It's is the ugly reality.

Stay strong and to those who are your friendly co-workers and to those whom you trust, you may want to share this "stress" with them. It's always safety and strength in numbers knowing your close allies have your back and are not alone. There are many creative ways you can circumvent "outing" the source when you share. Many can put one and one together and wind currents do change. You never know how karma will come back and bite those guilty bullying butts.

Good luck and God Bless. Have a Merry Christmas and focus on having a bit more fun instead.

Thank you for all the advice, criticism (that is invaluable) and support. I've resigned myself to the outskirts of smoking territory. My Doctor wanted me to do more walking. I ran into someone today that was always supportive. I told him of the incident and he was hurt by it.

I guess most aren't bothered that I'm openly Gay and are willing to tolerate me. It's just this one group who isn't. Yet they think that they run the area.

I can accept being alone, it's like when I was in school. I always walked alone and had no friends. I was the nerd who went to do figures at 5:00 AM then go to school and came back to the Ice Rink after school to do more Figures and Free Style. At least I can say that Peggy Flemming got me to try my first double jump.

The whole incident was set up. Planned all along. What hurt's me is that two closeted gay men through me under the buss only to be accepted and popular. One is in his 30's and the other is 24.

I can only think back to when I was outside San Francisco City Hall when Mayor Moscone and Harvey Milk were murdered. I recently went back during the filming of the movie and can only reflect on Harvey's message that the bullet should shatter every closet door. They didn't get the message.

I wonder how they will feel years later, if they are victimized by closeted gays and homophobes.

I don't care about homophobes, it's the closeted gays that turn on their own that bother me. I want nothing to do with them.

One nice thing is that I asked about a woman's gay son today and she opened up to me. He had been living in New York. Another woman in my area lost her son to suicide because he was gay. Their are many women my my area in the building who have gay son's. I hope they aren't assholes who play straight to be popular.

Thank you for all the advice, criticism (that is invaluable) and support. I've resigned myself to the outskirts of smoking territory. My Doctor wanted me to do more walking. I ran into someone today that was always supportive. I told him of the incident and he was hurt by it.

I guess most aren't bothered that I'm openly Gay and are willing to tolerate me. It's just this one group who isn't. Yet they think that they run the area.

I can accept being alone, it's like when I was in school. I always walked alone and had no friends. I was the nerd who went to do figures at 5:00 AM then go to school and came back to the Ice Rink after school to do more Figures and Free Style. At least I can say that Peggy Flemming got me to try my first double jump.

The whole incident was set up. Planned all along. What hurt's me is that two closeted gay men through me under the buss only to be accepted and popular. One is in his 30's and the other is 24.

I can only think back to when I was outside San Francisco City Hall when Mayor Moscone and Harvey Milk were murdered. I recently went back during the filming of the movie and can only reflect on Harvey's message that the bullet should shatter every closet door. They didn't get the message.

I wonder how they will feel years later, if they are victimized by closeted gays and homophobes.

I don't care about homophobes, it's the closeted gays that turn on their own that bother me. I want nothing to do with them.

One nice thing is that I asked about a woman's gay son today and she opened up to me. He had been living in New York. Another woman in my area lost her son to suicide because he was gay. Their are many women my my area in the building who have gay son's. I hope they aren't assholes who play straight to be popular.

Why are you refusing the repeated advice to seek out one-on-one mental health counseling -- you never reply to the suggestions, you just keep spinning your wheels and ranting endlessly. You're not going to be any happier with yourself just doing this on a message board.

But I know you'll ignore this post and keep doing what you're doing, including sipping on that nightly bottle of wine.

I think I'd do what I could to out those closet queens. I've never been teased or harassed about being gay, but when people do screw with me... well, I do what almost any animal does when cornered - I bite back. I'm not mean, generally, but I say it with a smile, full eye-contact, etc and call 'em out. Sometimes, it's not done in front of others, but it still carries an implied "don't screw with me"... said with a smile.

Why are you so worried about what a few people think of you. So what if some are gay in this group, there are far more important things in life than to worry about what a people who aren't even your friends think about you. I learned a long time ago some people are just not going to like me and I am not going to like some people. Just the way it is.

Have they threatened you or hit you? If all they have done is stand in a corner and make fun who gives a fuck. If this is bothering you so much, seek some professional help to deal with it. If you don't want to try to help yourself, nothing anyone says here will do a damn bit of good. Find a way to move on.

Logged

"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it." Nelson Mandela

Why are you so worried about what a few people think of you. So what if some are gay in this group, there are far more important things in life than to worry about what a people who aren't even your friends think about you. I learned a long time ago some people are just not going to like me and I am not going to like some people. Just the way it is.

Have they threatened you or hit you? If all they have done is stand in a corner and make fun who gives a fuck. If this is bothering you so much, seek some professional help to deal with it. If you don't want to try to help yourself, nothing anyone says here will do a damn bit of good. Find a way to move on.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Why not look at 2011 as a time to treat yourself, and I do mean, treat yourself, to a thoughtful, professional counselor--be he or she a social worker or psychologist. Get a full body massage. And find some people and activities outside the workplace that so fabulously counterbalance any negativity there, that you'll survive it and even thrive in spite of it.

Dial it all back a bit. Time's a-wasting. Enjoy as much as you can when you possibly can. Workplaces can be tough, engender self-doubt, and trigger all our feelings of vulnerability---so the non-workplaces in your life should be as fulfilling as possible. Also, at work, see if there's something you can do with any diversity programs there which are supported by HR--you might find there are ways you can put the energy you can't dole out on the bullies to some good corporate purpose. And, you might meet some new people, too.

Why are you so worried about what a few people think of you. So what if some are gay in this group, there are far more important things in life than to worry about what a people who aren't even your friends think about you.

Zackly! You are spending too much time on these people. Move on and dont worry about them.

I fully understand what bullying is all about. I was bullied extensively from third grade (because I skipped second grade) until we moved to a different area when I was in junior high. Even then I was bullied through the rest of my junior and high school years, just not quite so much. Therapy helped me realise that my ongoing dilemma was partly due to how I reacted to people - reactions that were learned during the years of intense bullying.

And don't try to say that I'm blaming the victim. I'm not. But when one becomes a victim in one's own mind, that's the image one will project to others. It makes it a bit of a vicious cycle. To put it another way, bullying causes low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is picked up on by bullies. They thrive on the low self-esteem of others and quite often suffer from low self-esteem themselves. They use causing pain to hide and salve their own pain.

That's the same dynamic going on here - and the same dynamic that goes on when a homophobic politician who tries to legislate against LGBTQ gets caught in a wide stance.

I think most people here who are practically begging Forsyth to get himself into therapy understand this. While we cannot change how others act, we CAN change how we react to them and we can learn to be happy despite the bullies in the world. I know I did and I'm glad I did. But that would not have been possible without a few wonderful people in my past who happened to be therapists. We need to stop fearing therapy and stop seeing going to therapy as evidence of weakness. It's not. It's evidence of great strength.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I'm just going to take a wild shot here, But when does bullying cross into the threshold of elderly abuse?

In most states senior or elderly abuse is defined as those being older than 60, and besides physical abuse or neglect, it can also include "Mental abuse" Maybe you should look into your state laws, and if this applies to you, you need to go to HR and file a complaint.

Your over 60 and your being verbally and mentally abused, even if it's on the job,...so why not look into it. Just a thought. Maybe you should speak to a lawyer about it.