WANNA SEND CHUCK SOME EMAIL?

Thanks to scumbag spammers that I'd like to see boiled alive in a vat of molten chewing gum I've had to disable every email form and previous contact address and move it all to Gmail, thanks to their robust spam filtering. Here's my address:

Email away. I'd be happy to hear from you.

Below is the ridiculously wordy now-10-year-old spammer rant of mine, but I thought I'd keep it up for old times' sake. It also includes some stuff in the yellow box that you should read before emailing me.

*Anonymous emails submitted
without a name and proper return email address are unwelcome and
will be deleted unread.

*(Okay, I must confess that the above point is pretty much a baldfaced lie. It has in the not-too-distant past taken me months to get to it, and some of it even scrolled off without my seeing it. I'm buried under stupid press releases and all kinds of crap at this address, and I really don't want to have to delete this one and start over yet again, but the onslaught of all this means that there were over a thousand unread emails in this box dating back three years when I tried to start cleaning it out recently (summer 2013), and there's a good chance I won't get to any of the unread back ones. I've had to declare email bankruptcy and move on. But I'm really trying with the newer ones, and any email sent to me after July 1, 2013 should get read fairly quickly.)

*If you're writing to ask me to
make a custom itinerary for your upcoming New Orleans trip ... I'm
very sorry, but I really don't have enough time to do that. All my
recommendations are right here, and you're welcome to use
them as you like.

*If you're having a dinner
party or something similar, and you want me to come up with a custom menu
for you ... I'm very sorry, but I really don't have enough time to do
that. All my recipes are right here, just
like in a cookbook; look through them and make what you think looks good!
If you wish to hire me for pay as a travel or menu consultant ... go right
ahead. I'm available.

(Oh, here's where that lovely little email form used to be. It's gone now.
Thank the spammers who, on the weekend of September 27-28, 2003, somehow
managed to exploit a loophole in the cgi script and use it to send out
thousands of spams, many of which bounced back to me, then help me wish
them into their own private oven in Hell, where they may slowly roast for
Eternity.

How much do I hate spammers? Let me paraphrase AM, the mad computer from
Harlan Ellison's story "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream": "Hate. Let me
tell you how much I've come to hate spammers since I began to live. There
are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that
fill my complex. If the word 'hate' was engraved on each nanoangstrom of
those millions of miles it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate I
feel for spammers at this micro-instant. Hate. Hate." Okay, maybe that's a
bit much. But I really hate spammers. A lot. Like ... this
much.)

Once upon a time there was a beautiful
little HTML tag called the "mailto:" tag. It enabled you to create a
link when, if you clicked on it, it would automatically bring up your
email software with the address already in the "To:" field, so that you
could compose your missive to whichever web author you wanted.

Then along came evil SPAMMERS and their
evil SPAMBOTS, little robots that'd crawl through a site and automatically
harvest your email addresses so that their evil owners could send out
millions of unwanted bulk emails trumpeting "MAKE MONEY FAST!" or "WORK
FROM HOME!" or "BECOME A MILLIONAIRE!" or "LASER TONER CARTRIDGES" or
"FREE PORN IN YOUR MAILBOX EVERY DAY!" And y'know, spammers, I don't want
your toner cartridges or herbal Viagra or teen porn or your bullshit 3.5%
mortgages or any of the rest of the crap you're trying to sell. Oh, and I
really don't need to have my penis enlarged, thank you very much.
(Have any of you ever noticed that not one single legitimate product is sold
through spam? At least not in my experience.) When I was using my original
email address I eventually got hundreds of spams every day, all because
I was nice enough to put an easy, simple "mailto:" tag on my pages, back in
the pre-Cambrian web era of nine years ago.

As they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

I still do have a contact address, as shown above. Email away. I'll be happy to hear from you.

Unless you are a spammer, in which case you
can go to Hell. After a public flogging, a month in the pillory
and solitary confinement for life. (*hate*hate*hate*)