On writing, longing, knowing eternal love and the search for peace and cake.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Living with Alzheimers

Some people have asked, what is it like? How is your day?

I am a piece of a child's jigsaw puzzle mixed in with three other puzzles and a bag of scrabble letters.

A regular day gets presented and then chopped up with a blunt axe and thrown in front of a lawn mower.

Some days I awaken from a dream of cupcakes, books and laughter to find myself walking into a waiting room of rabbits who are zombies and chew, chew, chew at my skin.

It is walking on egg shells - chocolate eggs, where you fear them melting beneath you.

We switch from calm to anxious, from happy to sad, from sweetness to anger in moments throughout the day and night.

It is constant. Non stop. Demanding. Surprising at times with quiet rewards of a smile or a kiss. Sometimes a thank you which I know is larger than one can imagine.
It is struggling. It is learning to be blind to the confusion, yet learning to know when a door must be opened.
It is questions, so many questions and sometimes we are playing Jeopardy and other times Family Feud.
It is the most heartbreaking, demoralizing, saddest thing I have ever witnessed and the guilt, the fear, the pain is as large as the love.