Friday, November 9, 2007

'The forces of fate and coincidence -- assuming for a moment that such forces exist -- have generally enlisted themselves in my favor.'

I feed the above mantra to myself when the occasional adverse event transpires. I recently screamed short, profane derivatives of it when I sliced my left index finger on a can of coconut milk. Bloody hell.

The lesion only required three stitches, and the pain endured will likely pay dividends in the form of sweet luvin' (chicks dig scars, or so I've been assured by my grizzled virgin friends...) But I have unfortunately had to cancel my upcoming Bishop trip. The cut is on the business portion of my finger, and will not abide my pulling on sharp, granite patina. So it appears that the forces have conspired against me for the moment. However, mystical (read: imaginary) forces are fickle things, and I'm sure the tide will turn. And, if I may wax left for a moment, the tide has always flowed in my favor, if for no other reason than my demographic. I am no more fortune's fool than I am Chris Sharma. If cancelling my trip is the worst thing that happens to me this week, I'm certainly livin' the good life.

2) Only eat foods with a high coefficient of friction. Slick foods, like coconut milk, always cause bodily harm. Always. Whole grains, kale, and gravel. That's all humans need to eat. I dare you to show me any contrary evidence.

3) Get a "real" job. Stitches are expensive if you don't have health insurance.

4) Better yet, move to any other country in the industrialized world, and avoid getting a real job. Avail yourself of universal health care. Moreover, take advantage of the preventative care in such nations. It's a well known fact that cans are prevented from harming people in Canada, Australia, and the European Union. Lesson learned, indeed.