Ask a Zombie: “How Do You Keep a Wave Upon the Sand?” Edition

What is Zombies favorite sport? I see Zombies as baseball fans, because the players are slower, but maybe I’m wrong?

Sincerely,
Joltin’ Joe

Hey Joe,

It sort of true that Zombie like baseball. Mostly cuz baseball attract a lotta eggheads and that makes for some good eatings. Also, lot of guys sitting on bench for most of game and they is easier to catch. But Zombie on the move a lot and doesn’t get much chance to rest (that why Zombie not like the hoops or the soccer – way too much runnings) so for most operupper chances to stand around a lot, Zombie gots to say football is where it is at. Most peepulz don’t notice cuz there is once in a while fits of action, but most of time guys just standing around adjusting their pants and waiting for somebody to do something. Also, way more guys hanging out on sidelines. It like a Zombie biffbufe smorgasbord.

Entres nous, Zombie love Superbowl time too because peepulz get together to watch on the tee-vee and eat themselves into stupor. Easy pickins for Zombie!

No. No. No. No no no no no. No. No. Man, talk about false advertising. There not even one zombie in that band. Zombie gonna get Zombie Lawyer in on this one. Zombie not want Zombie name besmirched by pasty guys with moppy hair-dos. If they had different name like “Chatterley” or “The Gamekeepers” then they not have a problem with Zombie. But they made their choice and now it is on. Oh yes, Zombie is surprisingly litigious.

Zombie not really have any money, but if Zombie had any money, Zombie money would be on the Batman. Batman is master strategist who engages in combat with surgical precision. Grizzly bear is a bear. Sure bear is bigger and have longer reach but while bear is splashing around wondering why it is underwater and wondering what the metally thing is what is in its paw, Batman going to use one of seven methods to defeat Mr. Bear. Three of them disarm with minimal contact. Three of them kill. The other hurts. And since the Batman morally opposed to killing (though he not always stop dudes from plummeting to their doom, just sayin’) Zombie think he going to deliver a mighty blow to Bear’s squishy parts and swim away while Bear howling in rage and swimming to surface.

Please note, if Batman v. Bear Underwater Knife Fight taking place in 1975, Batman would do whole thing with his shirt off.

My co-workers are driving me to drink – what would you suggest I drink to forget about work?

Cheers!
Artie

Dear Artie Baby,

How about you drink a big cup of coffee at a new job? That going to work for you? Okay, so you is stuck.

Zombie heard about a drink called the Zombie that you could drink. It not made out of zombies but some peepul say it turn you into one. If so, you are in luck because drink will make you smrter and more handsomer than normal dudes. Have a coupla those.

yrs, Zombie

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