Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Earlier this week, I was catching up on my Vogue subscription and found myself fascinated by the April 2011 photo spread entitled "Form and Function." Let me start off by saying that I don't read Vogue for literal fashion advice. If I wore anything in any of the following paragraphs down the streets of Sioux Falls, someone would probably call the cops. Or someone would make a Twitter hashtag about me (i.e. #pantsuit, #skateboardgirl, #philrescue...you know what I mean, Valpo).

The April issue was the annual "Shape" issue, in which women are encouraged to embrace their bodies, shapes, and the clothing that accentuates such shapes. This particular article seemed to suggest ways women can change the appearance of their shape, or completely alter their silhouette altogether. Lets get to the examples:

1. The Hoop Skirt.

Although early-era fashion is intriguing, I would be more intrigued to see someone try to wear a hoop skirt all day long. Try fitting into my Grand Prix with that one. Try sitting in an office chair all day. Yeah...didn't think so.

2. The Balloon Pant

The name itself makes me nervous. I would describe balloon pants as a combination of over-exaggerated "boyfriend" trousers and MC Hammer pants. Utterly ridiculous. Although this picture isn't the one featured in the Vogue article, you get the gist. If I were to describe the Vogue picture to you, I would say that each leg of the "pant" is twice as wide as the model's shoulders. Makes sense, right? You could truly fit a small person into the legs of these pants.

3. Paper-Bag Coat

Again, this isn't the picture that Vogue used. The one in the magazine is worse. I don't know about you (this "you" is referring generally to women), but usually during the winter, I feel larger anyways because you're constantly layering sweaters, jackets, scarves, and on top of that...a coat. The last thing I need is a man-ishly oversized overcoat to make me look incredibly dis-proportioned.

4. Complete Coverall

Okay, I'm exaggerating more and more as this list goes on. But seriously, what else are you supposed to visual when you hear the phrase, "complete coverall?" The Vogue picture features a coverall with pockets, slightly more structure, and shoulder pads. If you'd remove the shoulder pads, add a skinny belt, and find the perfect person to wear it, it might be okay. But otherwise, I'm gonna keep my onesies for bed.

5. Box Shirt

Have you ever wanted your upper-body to look like a box? Well, here's your chance!! Prada now sells this horizontal striped monkey print at a boutique near you. Seriously. When I first saw this picture, I thought they were talking about the skirt, which wouldn't be so obscure. Then I realized it said "shirt," not "skirt." This truly takes the phrase "flat as a box" to a whole new level.

6. Spinnaker Dress

I'm honestly curious as to what this dress would look like if there wasn't a giant wind tunnel leaving the right side of her body. Clearly, it would just be a lot of fabric. The seam is higher than an empire-waist...but might not be the worst thing in the world. If you can pull off a maxi-dress...than you might want to consider the Spinnaker dress as well. As for me, I feel like I look ridiculous in any skirt/dress that goes below my mid-calf...so knock yourselves out. Also, I would hope something like this would have side pockets. Side pockets can make anything at least 65% better/more acceptable.

I hope you've enjoyed my Vogue ramblings...I'm no fashion expert, but thought I would bring attention to the rising trends on the runway. Unfortunately, I do not think Target will be introducing a line of balloon pants anytime soon...but I'll have to keep an eye out.

In parting thought, which one of these form and function trends would you be willing to try? Which one is an absolute no-go?