The Black Sheep

8 Ways to Stay Cool Now That the Ped Mall Fountain is in Ruins

It’s summer, which means one thing. Jackhammers pounding and a bunch of dudes constantly pissing in rank port-o-potties on the sidewalk outside your bedroom window. Too bad the construction gods would rather the city smell like the alleyway next to Pints before saving the Ped Mall fountain. So, instead of murdering men in distasteful orange vests in your head, here are 8 ways to stay cool now that the Ped Mall fountain is in ruins:

6.) Use one of the directory signs as a makeshift fan:No one cares about where they’re going when they can’t see past the sweat constantly falling in their eyes. Who’s gonna miss one of the millions of signs pointing towards Martinis? You can finally be one of those rich fancy old ladies with a fancy fan and a sour look on your face. Or you could be Anne Hathaway in that one Princess Diaries scene where she’s practicing how to show emotion with a fan.

5.) Build a house out of the directory signs:

The construction workers are probably going to cut down all the trees anyway, so build your own shade. There are so many damn signs everywhere, you might as well put them to use. Since there’s never any wind during the summer, there’s not threat of the weather blowing away your shady paradise.

4.) Realize that none of the construction workers are hot:

You’ve seen the Magic Mike movies and read all those sexy romance novels with Fabio on the cover, so you’re ready for some hot construction workers all up in that Ped Mall. Sadly, there’s legitimately no one. Those sweaty uniforms and shirtless workers don’t exist. Those orange clad men are definitely a libido cooler.

3.) Go into the library and read a book cause those fuckers didn’t give you any other choice:

Who knew that Iowa City’s prestige literary roots would come back to bite everyone in the butt? They city took away the best outdoor hangout place and diabolically pushed everyone towards a place of squeaky, saran-wrapped books. Well… at least it’s air conditioned.

2.) Bask in the fact that you can wear open toed shoes whenever unlike those miserable construction workers:

Since those construction workers have no sex appeal, it’s better to just laugh at them. You may feel hot, but those workers are definitely feeling the heat more. The protective clothing requires about as many layers as the Ralphie’s mom puts on Ian in A Christmas Story. Finding humor in a steamy situation is what brings that body temp down quick

1.) Make the bulldozer into the coolest mobile pool Iowa City’s ever seen:

The only thing between you and the pool you’ve always dreamed of is a measly wire fence. The workers obviously won’t miss an 8 ton bulldozer. You deck it out with lights, a beer cooler, a stereo, and a beach ball and drive it down Clinton Street. Too bad only two people can fit in the dozer’s pool and you’re not giving up your spot for all the Molly’s cupcakes in the world.

In the end, it’s going to be hot for at least three more months and the Ped Mall is probably going to be out of commission for the next 30 years. Either make the best of it or swim in a pool of your own sweat and misery.

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