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Friday, August 21, 2015

New Archies Reviewed: Episode 3B - Sir Jughead Jones

You
know, I'm kind of in a down mood today, and I will warn you ahead of time that
I am probably going to be a little more snarky than what all of you reading
this might be used to. I'm kind of
going through a lot of stress right now, and I need to find a way to get it
out.

So,
if you hear me raking The New Archies over the coals in this edition of New Archies Reviewed, believe me when I say that it is fueled by the
release of all the stress that is in my body at this time. Who knows?
It could be the best thing I've ever written.

Or,
it could be a hodge-podge of madness.

I'll
let you be the judge as we take a look at Episode 3B - Sir
Jughead Jones.

So,
we open the episode at some sort of art museum where the students of Riverdale
Junior High are taking part in a field trip.
And, well...it looks like Miss Grundy's class is the only one
there. Man, Riverdale High is a small
school!

The
class is looking at an ancient vase, and Betty is absolutely mesmerized by the
work of art. Veronica, who might I add
is incredibly obnoxious in this episode, brags about how her daddy - the
richest man in the world apparently - has dozens of expensive vases. And while she's showing everyone just how
big her dad's vases are, she accidentally hits the vase at the museum which
causes the thing to nearly tip over!

The
good thing is that a security guard who happens to be nearby sees Veronica's
klutziness in action and rushes to try and save the vase, which he does.

But
then he comes up with the idea to dust the vase while he's there, which causes
his allergies to act up. He sneezes,
nearly takes out three-quarters of Miss Grundy's class before careening into
the pillar where the vase is, smashing it to smithereens! Oh, Veronica...I hope your daddy has enough
money to pay for that.

Another
man - I'm assuming he's the curator of the art museum - starts breaking down
and having a full on ugly cry over the smashed vase. And all Veronica can say is that he doesn't need to worry. She's not hurt. And somewhere else in the museum, the security guard is probably
giving Veronica the stare of death.

A
few minutes later, the rest of the class - who surprisingly was not escorted
out of the museum - are eyeing the portraits and paintings on the wall. And while Veronica is about ready to fall
asleep and dream about smashing another vase, Betty can't stop salivating over
the paintings saying that she would love to own just one. Something tells me that Betty would have to
deliver newspapers to the entire continent of North America to be able to
afford one, but you have to admire her optimism.

It's
a far sight better than Veronica once again bragging about her wealth and
saying that her dad could use those paintings for wallpaper. At this point, Betty is so furious with
Veronica and punches her in the nose while shoving pieces of broken vase into
her mouth to shut her up and tells her that she is sick of her bragging because
money doesn't grow on trees. Jughead
comes up with the joke "Money grows on trees - why do you think banks have
branches?" Very lame, but
again...this is a G-rated cartoon.

Whatever
the case, Veronica is disgusted that people can't sympathize with her, and she
leaves. Reggie, who in this episode is
just as much of a jerk as Veronica is, tells the class that they have no social
graces, which causes Jughead to talk about his aunt Grace who throws a lot of
parties, which sends Reggie storming off in a rage with everyone else laughing
with Jughead.

Anyway,
Reggie finds Veronica and tells her just how uncouth Jughead is and how he is
peanut butter and jelly in their caviar world.
But wait. Veronica has found a
secret!

Apparently
in the museum is an old portrait of Viscount Forsythe P. Jones, a distant
relative of Jughead (and who I am guessing Jughead is named after, as his real
name is Forsythe Pendleton Jones). And
apparently there is a secret treasure that Forsythe has hidden away. And Reggie and Veronica want that treasure
simply because they don't have enough money to brag about.

The
frustrating this is that we have absolutely no idea how Reggie and Veronica
even know that Viscount Jones has a treasure.
And for that matter, you would have thought that Jughead would know if
there was a portrait of a relative hanging up in a museum! But it's a cartoon, and we're supposed to
suspend reality. Besides, we wouldn't
have a plot otherwise. At least we have a dream sequence!

Now,
here is where the tide starts to turn.
Reggie and Veronica soon begin sucking up to Jughead by spending their
whole allowances on platters of hamburgers that some unknown butler from Lodge
Mansion is delivering to him. Given how
many burgers are on that plate, I'm guessing that Reggie and Veronica get at
least five hundred bucks - which totally trumps the five bucks I used to get at
their age.

Archie
and Betty ask Jughead if he wants to go to Pop's after school, Veronica coolly
informs them that "Juggiekins" has other plans. And right away, whenever Veronica adds the
word "kins" at the end of a name, you know she's like a cobra waiting
to strike.

Sure
enough at Lodge Mansion, Veronica and Reggie reveal their evil plan. Their plan is to suck up to Jughead by
buying him fancy clothes and hamburgers so that they can get a share of
Viscount Jones' treasure. After all,
Jughead is the only heir - another plot point that they fail to explain. But when you only have twelve minutes to
tell a story, it gets a little lost in translation.

Of
course, Reggie and Veronica, as snobbish and cruel as they can be, aren't
stupid. They know that if Archie,
Betty, Eugene, and all of their other poor friends found out that Jughead had
money coming to him, that Jughead would share with them first, so they come up
with a plan to teach Jughead to be an insufferable snob like them so that they
won't have anything to do with Jughead.

You
know, in this series, Reggie and Veronica are real beasts. I mean, even in the comic book series,
Reggie and Veronica were left humbled and were even nice in a few stories. It's like they have absolutely no redeeming
qualities in this series at all - especially in this episode. Though kudos to Alyson Court and Sunny Besen Thrasher for making the characters so easy to dislike. They must have had fun acting those roles out!

That's
why this next scene makes me smile like the Grinch just before he steals
Christmas in Whoville.

We're
at a little league game, where it is Jughead's turn at bat. And Jughead, dressed in his fancy garb,
demands that Veronica brings him a bat.

In
walks Veronica who is carrying enough bats to provide everyone in the Major
League with one. And, Jughead snubs
her, grabs a bat lying against the fence and steps up to the plate which causes
Veronica to throw the bats on the ground and fume in anger. I must say.
Crimson is a good colour for the brat!

Next,
Jughead seems to notice that his shoes have gotten dirty on the baseball
diamond, as baseball diamonds are not made with linoleum or wooden
floorboard. So he actually summons
Reggie to sweep his shoes right there on the diamond, causing Archie to shake
his head in disgust. Honestly, if I
were Archie, I'd be laughing at Reggie...but Archie's just too nice.

Betty
throws the pitch out and Jughead manages to hit the ball. And...Smithers is running the bases for
him!! Unbelievable! In most games, that would be an automatic
out unless the player batting is injured or something, but not here! And, for that matter, why the heck is
Smithers wearing white pants as his uniform?
Did he learn nothing from Shoegate 45 seconds earlier?

Anyway, Smithers' trousers must be made of some super rich material because he
slides into home without ripping them or even getting them dirty. But unfortunately, Archie tags Smithers with
the ball before he slides into home, so he's out. To which Jughead - adopting a faux-Madonna British accent
exclaims that he was safe by a wide margin.

By
this point, Archie has had it up to here with Jughead's bad attitude and ties a
bow in his nose calls him a jerk and wonders what his deal is. But Jughead decides he's had enough of
playing Archie's lame game, and takes off with Veronica, Reggie, and Jughead
towards Lodge Mansion.

At
Lodge Mansion, Veronica, Reggie, and some unnamed rich kid (who for the sake of
argument we'll call Jason Blossom, as he is even more of a snob than Veronica
is in the comic books) are playing a game of croquet. And of course, Jughead is letting the power of being an heir to a
viscount get to his head. Aside from
forcing Reggie and Veronica to get him everything that he wants, he uses
Reggie as a transportation system to get him around the place.

And
for some reason, Archie, Betty, and Eugene are there. Wait a minute. If Reggie
and Veronica are snobs, why were they invited?
Or, maybe they weren't...they just came along for the free caviar and
lemonade.

And
speaking of lemonade, Reggie and Veronica are now complaining that they did TOO
good a job of turning Jughead into Mr. Snobbery himself, but they still go
ahead and degrade themselves because A) they want Jughead's fortune, and B)
it's extremely satisfying to the audience!

At
long last, a limousine arrives and out comes a man with a treasure chest in his
hands. Viscount Jones' treasure has
finally arrived! Reggie and Veronica
are immediately perked up and run towards the man with Jughead in tow wondering
what jewels, gold, and money is left in the chest.

But
here's where the twist comes into play.
You see, all of the money that Viscount Jones had was spent long
ago! He spent his entire fortune on a
product called "Beanie-Weanies" for the peasants of the kingdom. And as a result of this, the upper crust
turned up their noses at him for behaving like a peasant instead of a
royal. All that's left is a crown and a
bag of marbles.

To
which I say to Reggie and Veronica...

Oh,
and Reggie and Veronica are FURIOUS!
They strip Jughead of the fancy clothes they bought him, exclaim how
THEY'VE been taken advantage of, and storm away into the night...where
hopefully they get hit by a truck.

Of
course, they don't. They come back in
the next episode. But you know, wishful
thinking.

Jughead,
meanwhile, is feeding himself a nice slice of humble pie, knowing how badly he
treated Archie and Betty, who come over to see how he's doing. For you see, Jughead, much like his
ancestor, also finds it hard to live like the upper crust and treat people
badly because they happen to have less money than they do, and he sincerely
apologizes to Archie and Betty for everything he did.

Naturally,
because Betty and Archie aren't horrible people like Reggie and Veronica, they
accept his apology, and they spend the rest of the day making fun of Reggie and
Veronica.

So, what have we learned from this episode? Well, Reggie and Veronica are evil. Archie and Betty are good. And for a brief moment, Jughead walked the
tightrope between the two sides. And we
also learned that having money and power isn't nearly as much fun as having
friends. All in all, a good episode,
though Reggie and Veronica didn't nearly do enough suffering in this one. Don't worry though...in an upcoming episode,
Jughead will eventually get his revenge on both of them!

But that will have to wait. There may
be a new installment of New Archies Reviewed next week, and there may not
be. It all depends on whether I'll have
Internet or not, with the house thing.
So, let's just say that by September 4, you'll see a new entry!