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So my now husband asked me to marry him while critically injured in a hospital bed. We dealt with life together. Life gets harder than relationships when it comes to whether you are going to keep you leg I guess.

So fast forward to after marriage, first home together and first child. We had a baby boy, and with that came health problems for myself and a bit of stress.

I recently found out he had an affair on me while deployed for the first time post injury.

As any BS does, I checked the emails, phone records, etc. Seems this just happened while he was away and isnt happening now, but then I only found the emails he marked as important and didn't know he didn't purge before he come home.

I let him leave for a few weeks to go on a work trip and I didn't tell him I knew. So now I sit and fester. He calls to tell me how much he misses me and how much he loves me and to ask about our baby boy. I say all of those things back so that he can be useful at work.

I feel like I'm leading him down a path where everything is okay just to blindside him when he gets home. He deserves it I am sure, but not so sure it helps my case if i tell him I love him and then do a 180 when he gets home. Should I write a letter and let him fester and rot and not answer the phone.. things I contemplate…

Just waiting for him to get home so we can get into the business of breaking up or getting some R.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014

littleflower♀ 42673Member # 42673

Posted: 1:50 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014

Hi Wounded
How long do you have to wait ? A few days , a week ??
I know I couldn't hold of that long

DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014

augustmarie♀ 42692Member # 42692

Posted: 2:32 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014

I have to wait a week, but I've already been waiting one week. Seems like life as normal… but I was so stressed out today, grinding teeth when I sleep. Went to Brikam Yoga tonight.. what a release!!! thank god for yoga.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014

Credence♂ 42682Member # 42682

Posted: 12:44 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014

So sorry you're her augustmarie. The waiting and anticipation can be very difficult but it does give you some time to prepare yourself for when he returns. Please read the healing library (if you haven't already) it has loads of useful information and guidance. Keeping busy and exercising is good and be sure to eat and keep yourself hydrated.

I feel like I'm leading him down a path where everything is okay just to blindside him when he gets home

Please don't feel that you are leading him down a path to blindside him. If anyone has been blindsided it's you. You have been very rational in considering the impact this could have on his work and you've put his needs first in that respect so it definitely isn't underhanded on your part.

Most importantly, look after yourself and if you need support, encouragement or advice - we're here for you.

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 352 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK

annb♀ 22386Member # 22386

Posted: 12:51 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014

Hi, augustmarie.

If you have enough evidence so he cannot deny, which he will probably will, then I'd confront. You are taking his job into consideration when he had absolutely no consideration for his family when he was cheating.

You are allowing him to go on all fine and dandy while you are at home taking care of your son, hurting more and more each day.

Let him sit on your knowledge for awhile. Let him squirm a bit. Let him know that you will not tolerate any BS from him. When he gets home the two of you can decide how to move forward.

((((augustmarie))))

Posts: 7803 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast

whattheh♀ 40032Member # 40032

Posted: 5:32 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014

I never had to 180 my fWH cuz he was immediately remorseful and wanted to work on our M.

So I'm still waiting until he comes home to confront. I'm finding that I'm just sad. I'm dissappointed and frustrated that I have put so much of myself into something that is obviously failing before my eyes and I had no idea.

I'm struggling with the fact that everything seems just fine with my spouse. We have a loving relationship, healthy sack sessions, show care for each other, plan and dream for our future children and retirement together. We parent together and are always on the same page when it comes to so many things. We rarely fight.

So I could literally sweep it under the rug and my life would be just as good today as it was when we were newlywed. BUT… with the betrayal, I am hurt, I am confused. I do ask myself if there is something I missed about our relationship that I should have seen.

If I had to put excuses on it, maybe it was a perfect storm. Tough pregnancy, lots of complications. I was not always feeling well or feeling like my old self. I was nursing and sensitive to touch and less sexual than my normal self when he left for deployment. So in many ways he was a soft target (working through the hormones of pregnancy and nursing is not easy). But there was still nothing that wasn't normal about that. Many couples go through that.

Now that I'm feeling more and more myself and my baby is so interactive, we are enjoying the parenting life together.

So it blows my mind that he found comfort from another while away. His deployment was about 8 months. So I guess all the answers are sure to come.

As for 180, I read that to mean I should remove my emotions from the discussion and show him a cold shoulder to show him how life would be without the normal me. I'm not sure how forcing myself to not show him my pain and hurt and to not cry will help him feel remorse. It won't make me look pretty for sure.

I wrote down my thoughts on how to confront him, but I'm so nervous about what will happen. He has two ways to go.

deny it (I call it lie, deny, counter accuse, attack) which would be emotional for sure or own it.

After he denies or owns it, how do you continue the conversation after that point without emotion.. wow. I'm pretty numb to it right now, but emotion is something that comes when it wants to. It's a dark sister.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014

norabird♀ 42092Member # 42092

Posted: 10:50 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014

Many marriages that suffer infidelity are still loving and close relationships. Maybe your husband' scoping mechanisms were just too broken to handle normal life stressors; of course you confronted the same issues and were faithful. Don't blame yourself for his choice as it stems from inside him, not from something you didn't do or could change.

You're fight that his reaction on being confronted will be revealing. I hope he chooses to admit the truth and be open with you. Think about what you need to see from him in order to protect yourself and recommit, so you have clear expectations and boundaries in the heat of the moment. Otherwise it's easy to be swayed by hearing the right words, etc, when those words actually need to be backed by actions.

I'm sorry you have to wait before discussing this, but it's a good time to get your expectations straight and find some small clarity on what your minimum requirements are from him.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4281 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC

5454real♂ 37455Member # 37455

Posted: 11:12 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014

I'm really sorry that you are here. The set of circumstances you describe are horrific. May I ask, was he injured in combat? That would add another level of sh*& to this sandwich and I hope I'm reading this wrong.

As for 180, I read that to mean I should remove my emotions from the discussion and show him a cold shoulder to show him how life would be without the normal me. I'm not sure how forcing myself to not show him my pain and hurt and to not cry will help him feel remorse. It won't make me look pretty for sure.

Nope, read it again with you in mind. The 180 is designed to protect you. It's meant to separate you from the trauma of the A and give you some breathing room to make more logical, rational decisions. Honestly, if it doesn't make you look pretty, who cares? It's designed to help you survive. The wayward spouse and their actions/reactions don't factor in.

Yes, he was wounded in combat while we were dating. I was there to help him through it every step of the way. He married me for that I'm sure of it, because I am a good woman to him. There are some things that allow you to grow very close, and closer than most couples. I think the "I might lose my leg" scenario is one of those. I slept every night in his hospital room and have been through 20+ surgeries by his side. He is well enough to return to combat now.

He was newly divorced when I met him. So we were not defining a relationship, and honestly I think he would have changed station if he hadn't been injured and in the end we would not have fallen in love well enough for it to last due to the distance. I'm pretty pragmatic in that sense. I always wondered if he would regret not dating more while he was free. So my best guess is that the opportunity lends itself for him to live out a 'what if I hadn't been injured' type of life while he was away.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014

augustmarie♀ 42692Member # 42692

Posted: 1:12 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014

@norabird..

It's strange. The things that are supposed to be the easy things end up being the hardest.

The confrontation should be Sunday evening. I have no idea how to start that conversation. Wish there was a cheat sheet of the ways.. I'm sure there is if i search this forum enough.

I may ask him to give me his ring, and then holding it ask him what it means to him.

Do you tell them how you found the information first, or just tell them that you know.

Also, do you really need positive 100% proof for the conversation? I can't unknow what I know, and I know what I saw. If he denies it then he is lying to me, even if he's destroyed the proof by then. There were a bunch of emails that got stuck in one of his cache's, but I'm pretty sure he thinks they were all deleted.

Do I volunteer how I know, or just the girls name and a generic statement?

I wrote down my dealbreakers and boundaries, but how do you know if they want to reconcile before you give them the rules to reconcile? Because I'd rather give him the choice, but do you offer a choice up front?

Is it ok to sleep in the same bed or does he go to the guest room? No sex of course from what I hear.

It sucks, he is the one I look to for consolation, so I don't have that shoulder to cry on because it's the one that hurt me.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014

Credence♂ 42682Member # 42682

Posted: 3:50 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014

I may ask him to give me his ring, and then holding it ask him what it means to him.

Do you tell them how you found the information first, or just tell them that you know.

Also, do you really need positive 100% proof for the conversation? I can't unknow what I know, and I know what I saw. If he denies it then he is lying to me, even if he's destroyed the proof by then. There were a bunch of emails that got stuck in one of his cache's, but I'm pretty sure he thinks they were all deleted.

Do I volunteer how I know, or just the girls name and a generic statement?

More often than not, when a WS is confronted, their first instinct is to try to lie their way out of it. Be prepared for him to deny everything initially, or skirt around the issue, and then try to find out exactly what you know so that he can fabricate a story that you will buy. Personally, I wouldn't tell him what you know or how much you know. I would never disclose your sources but leave him guessing instead. There is a chance that he will be forthright and honest about everything but you only need to read some of the threads on SI to realise that this very rarely happens.

You need to be in control of the confrontation to ensure that you get the truth (or at least an admission that there was an A). Information is power and as long as you have information that he doesn't know you have, you're in control.

I started the confrontation by sending my WW a text saying 'I know what you and AP (I used AP's name) have been doing. When you get home I will not be there and I will not return until I am satisfied that you have told me everything and it ties up with what I already know'. The only reason I did it this way was so that she would realise that the only option she had was to tell me the truth. She knew one of my sources but she had no idea how much information I had (very little). She admitted to the A immediately and I got most of the details quite quickly. She still managed to lie about specifics when it came to things that she knew I couldn't possibly know - so I now know that if I had given her half a chance she would have denied the A.

Do you tell them how you found the information first, or just tell them that you know.

IMHO, you want him to be the one doing most of the talking. Perhaps you could start with something like 'I know about the A, I know about (AP's name). I need to know how it happened and why it happened so we are going to sit here until you've told me everything from start to finish, so start talking'. An added touch would be to put together a folder with several sheets of paper so it looks like you've put together a 'dossier' and just keep it on your lap. It will drive him nuts not knowing what you've got in the folder and make it much more difficult for him to lie. These are, of course, just my thoughts - you need to do what's best for you and appropriate to your circumstances.

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 352 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK

Skan♀ 35812Member # 35812

Posted: 12:13 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014

Augustmarie, I am so sorry that you’re here, but I am glad that you found us for support. I understand that you are going to confront on Sunday, when he returns. I think that that is a good plan. It gives you time to get your ducks in a row and, as you said, you are a pragmatic person, so use this time to your advantage.

First off, please go see a divorce lawyer. Tell him your situation, ask him how much you could expect in child and spousal support, what it would take to have sole use of the house (if you’re not in military housing), and how quickly you could execute the paperwork. Next, make copies of all of your financial and other asset paperwork and put that in a safe place outside of your home. Put a copy of all of the emails that you have with that paperwork. I would also setup a separate checking account that is seeded with some money from your joint account, as well as a separate credit card in your name only.

Credence gives you some good advice, especially the fact that IMO 99% of WSs lie when they are confronted. I am one that believes in the hard-ass approach because frankly, it seems to work the best. You can cut through the BS pretty quickly and get to the point where you know if R is possible or not which means less pain for you in the long run. I’d sit him down and say, you need to tell me about OWsNAME. I need the entire truth, I need it now, and please don’t insult me by telling me that you have no idea of what I’m talking about. And every time he tries to go off topic, blame you, etc., you tell him that he can schedule a time to talk about that later but right now, you want to know about OWsNAME and their affair. If he asks you how you know about it, or asks you to show him the proof, simply say that the two of them were not as discrete as they thought they were and that you have no intention of showing him the proof that you were sent. Technically a true statement he sent the emails, etc, which is how you got them. Be prepared for a long session and for him to lie, lie, and lie some more. Keep pressing him.

Your goal is that he will either 1) commit to you and your marriage absolutely, without reservations, will agree to write a NC letter to the OW that you both will approve and send, that he will undergo IC to find out why he felt that it was OK to go screw someone else, and that the two of you will ultimately go to MC together. He will give you all passwords to his electronic/social media devices, and will offer up those devices to you without protest at any time. And any other thing that you feel you need to save your marriage (assuming that you want to). Any other response than #1 a big, fat NO to your marriage. So, 2) let him know that you will not consent to be in a marriage with a liar and with infidelity, so here’s the name of your divorce lawyer (give him the card) and he can expect to hear from him ASAP. Also, that you will be calling his CO in the morning and reporting his affair with OWsNAME while he was on deployment.

Things to remember. You can stop a divorce at any time before the judge actually signs the legal paperwork. So don’t assume that once you start the process that you can’t stop it. I stopped the process of a legal separation before I got to the point of serving my FWH with one phone call. You didn’t sign up for an open marriage or to be the Plan B housewife, taking care of the home, baby, and providing him sex while he runs out and looks for the next, new shiny bimbo to screw. And lastly, no matter what his response is, and this is very tough to hear, I know, you must not have sex with him until he has given you the negative results from a full STD/HIV panel of screening. And it has to be either the doctor’s printout OR a call from the doctor’s office directly to you. Because you cannot trust his word on this and you cannot put your health at risk no matter what he says about taking precautions. Liars lie.

Please come back often for support. We’re all here for you! (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 5560 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

augustmarie♀ 42692Member # 42692

Posted: 3:16 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014

You didn’t sign up for an open marriage or to be the Plan B housewife, taking care of the home, baby, and providing him sex while he runs out and looks for the next, new shiny bimbo to screw
...

OMG I had to laugh when I read that. I think that totally hit the mark.

I don't want to involve anyone else in the A until we resolve the path we are going to take to separate or to reconcile. I feel that if we truely want to R, we need to work through our problems together without a peanut gallery or other folks to judge if we are making the right decision and weigh in on what they think we should do.

Right now, I want to try and R. I really love him, and I must if after the shock and the anger I still don't want to lose him. So I have spent time preparing for that path..

I am so glad to have you guys here. I am not prepared mentally at all for him to not want to R. I really do need to do all of those things to protect myself. Copy of the finances, proof, etc. Problem with the proof is that it's on his own computer and it's probably not elicit enough to prove anything anyway other than he stayed in the wrong barracks room and there was flirtation.

I'm not prepared mentally to not want to R myself. I assume my emotions will sway once I hear what he has to say. I may change my mind and I'm not prepared for that.

If R is not possible, it's not my style to make it ugly. I'm the kind of girl who wants to be loved and to love. If it's not being returned, it's not worth fighting for.

I know that some scorned wives go to the workplace to get help from the CO and others that they work with to stop the affair. I just don't see what good that would do to force my husband to be faithful or to lash out at him through his work. It's just a clink in his reputation and then of course I become the crazy wife and am shunned by the others.

Thanks for the advice on how to confront. I do know her name, so I will just simply have one line to tell and then let him talk. I will think about the divorce/separation papers. It's a much more powerful message to send to him that I'm a strong and beautiful woman and he just put his life on the gambling table. It will blindside him for sure.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014

Credence♂ 42682Member # 42682

Posted: 5:37 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014

I'm a strong and beautiful woman

Yes, you absolutely are - and as such you need to command the respect that you deserve.

I would suggest that you think about what you want/need to get out of the confrontation and write down some notes. As much as we try to think about all the possible ways it could play out, and try to prepare accordingly, we just don't know which way it's going to go. If you lose sight of what it is that you want/need to get out of the confrontation it's easy to get caught up in a whirlwind of emotion-driven chaos and 'smoke and mirrors' and come away from it scratching your head and wondering what the hell just happened.

[This message edited by Credence at 5:39 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 352 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK

augustmarie♀ 42692Member # 42692

Posted: 2:37 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014

It's so hard to know what I want and need right now. It's like you think you want more detail, but in the end it really doesn't help, unless that scar is something i need to trust again. Then maybe I need to hurt to heal. Is Dday the day I find out, or the day he finds out I found out.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014

Newme123♀ 41119Member # 41119

Posted: 11:18 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014

Everyone has given good advice but I haven't seen anyone tell you to be sure to make copies or forward the emails to a safe place that he cannot get to. If he finds out how you know about his affair, he will delete them. I'm so sorry you are here.

Thanks for the advice. I think it would be nice to have a copy to see if his story adds up and he eventually tells me the truth.

Problem is… The emails are on his laptop that is with him. He already deleted them from the actual mail server, they are stuck in a cache on his laptop since he marked them important it copied them into a folder he missed clearing out before he came home. I read them and they left quite the imprint on my mind.

I guess I don't really need to prove it to him. He knows what he did and if he can't be honest, I live in a no fault, common property state. I also think anyone can explain anything, and if you want to believe them you will. If you want to see the truth you will. I have my eyes open and I know the truth. So if he can't own up to it, I have to accept that fact and push the separation.

I'm pretty nervous. Sunday is confrontation day and I have no idea how it will go.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014

augustmarie♀ 42692Member # 42692

Posted: 12:20 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014

Should I postpone telling him to get ahold of the emails or a copy of them?

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014

Getting to Happy♀ 35200Member # 35200

Posted: 1:36 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014

Yes.

Push for all emails, social media, texts. No hiding. Everything out in the open. That is a must.

TT will kill your trust and make your healing and R impossible.

Let him know that any obfuscation will equal him protecting her and not you and your marriage, your family together.

You will have to face his betrayal together.

If he harbors the AP...that will be his tacit answer that she means more to him than his family...than YOU.

His response will tell the whole story. Please don't give him time to ruminate on the answer. He needs to answer at the time that you ask. No waiting for him to formulate a lie.