‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Let them eat dog wedding cake

Let’s begin this episode with Dorinda and Jules’ shopping trip where they drink free wine and discuss how they don’t want Sonja excluded from the Mexico trip (even though they both voted to leave her at home). Dorinda also reveals that she spoke to The Countess’ boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend just the night before, and this anonymous person claims that Tom and Ramona never dated, they only went out for drinks one time. Now, how this mystery woman knows more about how many dates Ramoan and Tom went on than Ramona — or why she should even be trusted, is unclear, but Dorinda certainly seems to be buying it.

Meanwhile, over at Sonja’s townhouse, Ramona pays Lady Morgan a long-overdue visit. There, Sonja informs Ramona that she’s given up drinking, a claim I still find dubious, but OK, sure. Ramona is happy to hear this news, and encourages her friend to try to make amends with Bethenny by apologizing to her and offering to back away from “Tipsy Girl.”

Sonaj explains again in an interview that her partners refuse to remove “Girl” from the name of the product, which I fully believe, and you’d think the other Housewives, with their multiple business ventures, would be able to wrap their heads around. I’m not saying Sonja is blameless here — she either willingly or stupidly entered into a contract with some shady guys who wanted to profit off the back of Skinny Girl by getting into business with another Housewife, which should have been BLATANTLY obvious to anyone with half a brain — but I am saying there’s probably not much she can do about it now without a legal battle. Which Sonja decidedly can not afford.

At any rate, Ramona and Sonja practice how Sonja should apologize to Bethenny, with Ramona doing an impersonation of Bethenny doing an impersonation of an angry Ramona. It’s all very deep.

Speaking of Housewife businesses, it seems that Jules learned quickly what the Housewife game was, and found herself a product to shill: a line of juices supposedly based on recipes by her Asian mother and grandmother, which I’m sure are also kosher.

Jules brings her husband along with her to a branding meeting, which apparently was the first time he even learned she was involved with this project. And let me just say that considering the company is so far along in this effort that they already have a bunch of juices to sample and label designs they want Jules to choose from, this is not a sign of a healthy marriage. I mean, this is obviously months worth of work, and this is the first he’s heard of it? Also not a sign of a healthy marriage: Jules telling her husband that one day she’ll make more than he does, and he’ll be asking for half of her stuff. If you find yourself “joking” about the terms of a theoretical divorce, it might be time to get lawyered up.

The bulk of the episode, however, is dedicated to a “dog wedding.” Princess Carole explains what is happening here, but does it even matter? Really though? FINE: There are two dogs, one of whom belongs to an “Instagram star” known as “The Fat Jewish,” who I assume is the same person as “The Fat Jew,” who was accused of joke theft on Twitter. Although it would be ironic and apt if there were someone out there stealing his whole identity by calling himself The Fat Jewish over on Instagram. Anyway, his dog is “marrying” another dog to raise money for charity, and somehow Princess Radziwill’s dog, the boringly named Baby, is a “bridesmaid.”

Princess Carole and Bethenny meet for drinks and Bethenny reveals that she is sorry, but she’ll be missing Baby’s big dog wedding because she is bleeding through all of her clothes and must go to the doctor. They also discuss the fact that Bethenny almost invited The Countess to Mexico, but didn’t get a chance to do so before The Countess invited herself. They also debate whether or not they should just invite Sonja along and be done with it.

As it turns out, the issue will be moot.

The next day, Bethenny meets Dorinda for a little embedded product placement shopping. While digging through duvet covers and telling Dorinda about how she has to disinvite The Countess from a trip she was never invited on in the first place, Bethenny suddenly turns three shades of gray, and has to leave the store for the doctor’s office. Immediately.

When Dorinda brings Bethenny home from her visiting the doctor, Bethenny appears to be in a mild state of shock. Bethenny has Dorinda repeat to her what the doctor told her: she has enormous fibroids that need to be removed surgically, and she has three choices for treatment, two of which will involve sterilization. Additionally, and alarmingly, Bethenny has lost some 10% of her blood and is dangerously anemic, so this issue needs to be resolved now. As in yesterday. Which means everybody is disinvited from the trip to Mexico so that makes all of those conversations that much easier.

Elsewhere, Jules introduces us to Maria, her new nanny, who does not speak any English and already seems exasperated by her new employer.

Sonja arrives at Jules’ apartment to have her makeup done for this “dog wedding,” and for some reason Jules tells Sonja about her “hemotomato” on her “coochie-coo.” Apparently, Jules was trying to climb in through a window and it just didn’t work out, especially for her “foo-foo.” Jules then shows Sonja photographs of this injury that she KEPT ON HER PHONE FOR SOME REASON, and Sonja describes the hematoma as “bigger than a Big Mac.” So, that’s something to keep you up at night.

Public service message: do not Google “vaginal hematoma.”

Jules asks Sonja if she’s going to Mexico, and Sonja admits that she doesn’t know yet, but plans on discussing it with Bethenny at the “dog wedding,” because, really, what better place?

Finally, the famed “dog wedding.” I don’t know, guys. It’s at a fancy hotel, there are dogs, they are dressed up in custom Marchesa, there are 300 rich people, there is champagne and a giant wedding cake and everyone in the room should really think a lot harder about their values and priorities. After the ceremony, which is officiated by Cindy Adams because OF COURSE CINDY ADAMS, the ladies chat, and Ramona makes an offhanded comment about getting in shape for their Mexican vacation. “About that,” Dorinda says, before informing the women that the whole trip is off thanks to Bethenny’s medical emergency.

Ramona is so disappointed. WHY, SHE JUST BOUGHT A NEW BATHING SUIT FOR THIS VERY TRIP. Because the important takeaway here is the fact that Ramona won’t be able to debut her new bathing suit.

We’ll always have the Turks and Caicos.

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And then Ramona consoles herself by carving into the pristine dog wedding cake and shoveling it into her face, because why not? Why not.