‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills': Queen bees and weak knees

Oh, Yoyawnda. Why are you making your housekeeper stir up a barrel of lemon juice and cayenne and then pour it into thousands of Fiji water bottles? You have Lyme Disease, lady, and no amount of “Master Cleanse” is going to help you with that. Furthermore, you are on your way to the hospital to get the catheter that was placed in your heart to deliver antibiotics removed. I am willing to bet that not only did your doctor not urge you to “cleanse” the “toxins” in your system, but that if he knew you were intending on going on a strict liquid diet of spicy lemonade, he might not be pleased. Let’s consult WebMD.com, shall we?

Lemonade Diet: How It Works

You will lose weight on the Lemonade Diet because the fast creates a serious calorie deficit. But chances are, what you’ll lose is water weight and muscle, not fat.

During the fast, you can expect to feel hungry and may get headaches, fatigue, dizziness, sluggishness, diarrhea, nausea, or constipation.

As for detoxification, your liver already does that. There is no medical evidence that fasting or “cleansing” diets actually rid the body of any toxins not otherwise discarded in bodily waste.

Experts’ Views

“There is no scientific evidence that you need anything like this or any other detox program to cleanse your body or help you lose weight,” she says.

She suggests staying away from smoking if you want to avoid toxins. Otherwise, trust your liver to do its job.

Experts agree that such unbalanced plans are not only ineffective, but are also potentially dangerous, depending on how long you stay on them. Fasting can rob your intestines of healthy bacteria that aid digestion and boost immunity.

Huh. So, to review: 1. You have a chronic bacterial infection. A bacterial infection that is so serious, so debilitating they plugged a catheter into your HEART so as to get powerful antibiotics into your system as directly and powerfully as possible. So, obviously 2. you are going to put yourself on a rigid and irrational liquid diet that will actually destroy the healthy bacteria in your system for no medical benefit whatsoever, but, hey, after a few days you’ll look great in your yoga pants — which you already look fabulous in because you are a supermodel. Good plan. This is all very well thought out.

David Foster takes Yoyawnda to the hospital, all the while patting himself on the back for being such a great husband: why, most Hollywood husbands in this situation would just dump their wives in favor of a younger swimsuit model who didn’t have Lyme Disease. But not David Foster! Not only does he drive her to the hospital, he sticks around to see her after the procedure and even drive her home. CONGRATULATIONS, DAVID FOSTER, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE VERY BESTEST HUSBAND EVER!

While they are still in the hospital, David Foster tells Yoyawnda that Gigi called from the horse stables where she had been riding earlier, complaining of feeling faint and dizzy. Yoyawnda calls her daughter, who repeats this story and adds that since her spell, she has eaten an almond or two, so she should be OK. And this is how messed up models are: Instead of being like, “Hmm, maybe my daughter who has been starving herself so as to be a model and be worthy of my affection is feeling light-headed and dizzy because I berate her into eating -90 calories a day while doing 1,000 crunches and perhaps the best solution to this problem would be to make her go eat an entire tray of lasagna, STAT,” INSTEAD OF THINKING THIS, Yoyawnda tells her daughter to CHEW THE ALMONDS WELL BEFORE SWALLOWING THEM. WHAT IS THAT I DON’T EVEN.

It’s filled with Master Cleanse. Be sure to pick around the crust!

Sigh. I suppose we should all just be grateful Yoyawnda granted Gigi the almonds at all, and didn’t insist she go guzzle a couple of Fiji bottles of lemonade instead.

So, this new Carlton person: Who is she? Why is she? What is she? Funny you should ask: Carlton is a witch. Carlton is not a cool Stevie Nicks-loving, scarf-wearing witch, or a scary voodoo-practicing, zombie-controlling witch, but a straight-up Louboutin-wearing, Versace-having, Jessica Lange rich bitch witch, and she makes no apologies for it.

However, Carlton doesn’t really dwell on the whole witch thing, unfortunately, and only mentions it in passing before showing us around her “castle” that her sports management husband built for her. The couple also demonstrate the fitness routine they make her daughters endure, which mostly consists of Husband yelling at his daughters to sprint FASTER, run HARDER, all of which I’m sure they will recount in great detail to their eating-disorder therapists in a few short years. Another thing that Carlton wants you to know about her is that she curses in front of her children and does not apologize for it, and nor should she. I’d almost like her if she weren’t quite so pinched and miserable seeming all of them time.

As for Housewives I do like, and like unapologetically, Brandi moves into her new home with some assistance from her mother. And, interestingly enough, Brandi also comes from the Joanna Krupa Pool of Unfair Genetic Anomalies, because girl looks nothing like her perfectly average momma. I don’t want to be mean, Brandi’s mother isn’t unattractive, but she also bears no resemblance to her daughter at all AND I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS. I was always under the impression that the reason I am the height of a tallish tree stump was because my parents weren’t very tall either, but then Brandi and Joanna come along and demonstrate that actually there was a possibility — however slight — that I could have been born a leggy 6 foot tall blonde, too, I just didn’t happen to win the lottery. I HATE GENETICS.

Anyway, Brandi’s perfectly nice mother helps her unpack, and by “helps her unpack,” I mean “drinks a bottle of rosé with her.” The two discuss how Brandi wants to help her parents more financially, the fact that Brandi and her father aren’t speaking to one another because he was so SCANDALIZED!! by her Oscars dress (which is just silliness, doesn’t he know who his daughter is, I MEAN REALLY NOW), and go over some of Brandi’s hilarious poetry from when she was younger (or at least I hope it’s not contemporary, because yikes!) to which Brandi’s mother replies that Keats and Shelly aren’t threatened and Brandi has not idea who her mother is talking about. OH, BRANDI.

So, Kim and this dog. Kim has decided to hire a trainer to help her deal with her out-of-control and potentially dangerous pit bull, Kingsley, which is definitely a good idea, maybe the best idea Kim has had while appearing on this show, ever. And while I applaud Kim’s effort, unless you are the Dog Whisperer and performing some sort of crazy dog mind control, riveting television dog training does not make. Long story short: Kim has a hard time disciplining Kingsley because she sees herself in the dog because he, too, has an alcohol problem. Or something. I don’t know, I stopped paying attention after Kingsley stopped trying to tear the trainer’s throat out.

Lisa has her first (?) Vanderformance on Dancing With the Stars, which is attended by Brandi, Kyle, Kim, Taylor (O HAI TAYLOR, U STILL SO BORING?), Grandpa Ken and, most importantly, Giggy. Afterwards, Lisa and her partner, Gleb (Wait, stop. Gleb? GLEB? First of all, how did I not notice until now that her partner’s name is “Gleb?” I even watched this season of Dancing With the Stars (sorta, kinda)! Secondly, “Gleb” is not a name, not a human one, at least. Is he from the planet Gamma Tauri IV? Gleb! GLEB?) join everyone for celebratory tuna tartars and champagne. Someone asks Lisa what her favorite Vandermove is, and Gleb smarms that it’s the hip thrust. Gross, Gleb. Shut up, Gleb. When someone asks Grandpa Ken if he’s jealous of Gleb (Gleb!), Grandpa Ken reminds them that he has Brandi, and proceeds to lift her up and wrap her 9 foot long legs around his waist. GRANDPA KEN, NO! YOUR HIP!

Also, Lisa and Grandpa Ken are opening a new West Hollywood gay bar called P.U.M.P. because of course “P.U.M.P.,” and I’m sure once it is open it will be Vanderfabulous, and the next time I am in West Hollywood I will definitely swing by and have a drink, but watching Grandpa Ken and Lisa hobble around a construction site while discussing urinals is considerably less interesting than it sounds.

Kyle hosts a lunch for the new Housewives, Carlton and Joyce, and a random woman named Sharon, QUIT TRYING TO MAKE YOUR FRIENDS HOUSEWIVES, KYLE. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, KYLE. Before lunch, Carlton begins telling some story about a bird that flew into her living room but we’ll never know how this incredible story ends because Kyle wanders off to open a bottle of wine.

Carlton declares this RUDE, and is deeply affronted, but I don’t know, so far as I can see, Kyle just has priorities. (The right ones at that.)

The ladies sit down to lunch in the backyard, where Carlton describes meeting her husband at a dance club where she got into a fist fight over him, and Joyce goes on a long, meandering story about how she met her husband on a blind date. And while I agree with Carlton that Joyce’s story feels like it will never end, it’s ironic that she was just complaining about being cut off by Kyle a moment ago, yes? Yes, it is. At some point, a bee emerges from one of the floral arrangements on the table and Kyle freaks out and demands that her friend Sharon kill it, which she does. Carlton is AGHAST. IT WAS NOT NECESSARY TO KILL THE BEE, KYLE. Kyle laughingly explains that she and Joyce are allergic to bees, but it does nothing to assuage Carlton’s outrage. So, between the bee and the bird story incident, this looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Meanwhile, at PINK HOUSE, Lisa entertains Yoyawnda and Brandi over glasses of pink Vanderwine and George Clooney tequila which, yes, Virginia, there is a George Clooney tequila. Everyone agrees that Yoyawnda looks good for someone who recently had foreign bits of plastic in her heart, and she explains that she’s been doing mental therapy, using puzzles to reactivate her brain. Lisa Vanderjokes that Brandi should do that, and everyone HAR HAR HARs, except for Brandi who looks a little hurt, or maybe they just edited it that way to set up this season’s Brandi vs. Lisa Vanderplot. The ladies then talk about the other Housewives, with Yoyawnda explicitly noting that she still hasn’t made up with Kyle, not yet, but she intends to have a conversation with her at some point. And that’s when Lisa suggests that if she wants to be friends with Kyle, Yoyawnda should put her house on the market. VANDERZING!

Finally, Kim goes to Kyle’s house to watch the most recent (but, importantly, not live) episode of Dancing with the Stars in Kyle’s home theater and eat all the SweeTarts. When Lisa collapses during the rehearsal, Kim is SHOCKED! QUICK! SOMEONE! GET LISA SOME ALMONDS!

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But Kyle has her suspicions about the faint, and goes back over the entire incident in slo-motion so that they can CSI: Beverly Hills the incident. ENHANCE! The sisters then act out the scene (hilariously on Kim’s part) and determine through just perfect logic that Lisa Vanderfaked the entire thing: Look how she hangs on to Gleb’s hand! Notice how she wakes up without a startle! And with that, the sisters conclude that Lisa is a big faking faker who fakes. VANDERCASE CLOSED!