How to deal with intrusive strangers: On Your Mind with Dr. Pauline Wallin

If your child is different from other kids in appearance or behavior, you know what it feels like to get glances and stares from strangers.

Most people can’t help but notice. It’s normal to pay attention to the unusual. In fact, for survival reasons, our brains are wired to detect differences. Back in primitive times, a small rustling in the bushes might have indicated a deer or other animal — potential dinner for a hungry tribe. Or it might have signified a lion hunting for prey. Either way, it would be biologically useful to notice these subtle changes.

Thus, if your son has little or no hair, has facial scars or is hearing-impaired and talks via sign language, people will reflexively notice. If your daughter walks with a limp, looks racially different from you or behaves in an atypical manner, it will draw attention.

In addition to being wired for noticing what’s unusual, people are constantly interpreting what’s happening around them, with the goal of making sense of it all. And interpretations typically vary from one person to the next, which can trigger misunderstandings.

Thus, when a stranger glances at your son who is wearing an eye patch, you might interpret that glance as a cruel stare, while the stranger might be thinking emphatically, “I needed an eye patch when I was young and remember how kids used to tease me.”

If your autistic daughter is having an emotional meltdown in a restaurant, other people’s stares might feel like critical judgment about your parenting. On the other hand, some of them might wish they could do something to help.

Most folks will notice your child, make a private interpretation (which might or might not be accurate) and move on with their day. Others will take it a bold step further. They’ll walk up to you and make a comment or ask a question. Regardless of whether these strangers mean well or whether they’re just curious, the fact is that they are intruding.

How to respond to intrusive questions

As a parent, it’s natural to want to protect your kids from discomfort and embarrassment. But you have no control over other people’s decision to approach you. Out of the blue, someone might stop and ask, “Has your son been getting chemotherapy?” or “What’s that big red mark on your little boy’s cheek?” or “Did you adopt your daughter from China?”

Such rudeness is enough to make you scream, “Why don’t you just mind your own business!”

But that won’t accomplish much. Calling them out on their intrusiveness might help you feel superior for the moment, but it’s not going to teach them any lesson or change their behavior for the future.

Moreover, yelling will make you more angry, not less, and the anger will linger long after you’ve left the situation.

If, instead, you respond in a calm, deliberate manner, you will take control of the conversation and will end up feeling much less drained. Here are tips:

To protect yourself from feeling attacked, consider that people’s comments reveal more about them than about you or your child.

You can respond in a casual, matter-of-fact way, even tossing in a bit of education. For example, “The red mark? It’s a port wine stain — just a large birthmark and not at all painful.”

When a stranger asks a nosy question you need not say anything at all. We have been conditioned to reply when someone talks to us. But if you simply smile back, it’s unlikely that strangers will demand a response. They’ll probably just walk away feeling uncomfortable.

Keep in mind that a young child might not feel as self-conscious nor get as upset as you do by intrusive comments. A strong negative reaction by you can be confusing or alarming to your toddler. Thus, if a stranger’s question doesn’t seem bother your child, you can probably relax about it, too.

School-age children whose appearance or behavior stands out are acutely aware that they’re different. A direct stare or a rude comment from a stranger can be quite hurtful. However, it need not be permanently damaging if you and your child are prepared for such encounters. Also, if you respond to the stranger in a calm manner, your child might take it in stride as well.

Rehearse a few answers to comments and questions that you hear most often. For example:

What’s wrong with your son? “Nothing’s wrong with him. He just needs a little extra oxygen.”

Why did you adopt a child of a different race? “Isn’t she beautiful? We feel so lucky to have her.”

My nephew had chemo and lost all his hair, just like your little boy, and it took two years to grow back. “Well, we’ll see. Everyone’s different. Anyway, hair or no hair, we still love him, and he’s still expected to do his homework.”

How can I prepare my child to deal with intrusive questions?

It’s not the questioning itself that bothers most kids. They are used to questions from adults on a daily basis — at home, at school, and in extracurricular activities. What they generally find upsetting is the attention that is drawn to what’s different about them.

Children need to feel that they fit in. When a stranger walks up and starts talking about the one characteristic that sets them apart, it can trigger feelings of self-consciousness and self-doubt.

Helping your son or daughter cope with strangers’ gazes, questions and comments is an ongoing process. It’s best to address the issue head-on. Don’t minimize the fact that they are different in a noticeable way.

At the same time, remind them that they are more similar to other kids than different: They like to have fun; they like to help others; they sometimes get mad; they have certain food preferences, etc.

Explain that strangers who ask questions about them don’t really understand. Besides, it doesn’t matter, because the important people in your child’s life — family and friends — already know and like your child.

One of the best ways to help kids cope is to be a positive role model. By watching how you deal with strangers’ intrusions, your child will learn to do the same.

Pauline Wallin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in Camp Hill and author of “Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior.” Visit her website: drwallin.com.

This article is for informational purposes only and is not intended to offer diagnosis or treatment of any medical or psychological condition. All treatment decisions should be made in partnership with your health professional.