Dear Sakura
by Amazoness Duo and G.P.
amazonessduo@hotmail.com
pearsong1954@yahoo.com
Dear Tomoyo-chan,
Thank you so much for the beautiful dragonfly pin! I really love it.
It's just like you to pick out such a thoughtful and charming gift. A
job as a designer suits you well, because you have a wonderful
aesthetic. It shows through in so many wys: how you dress, the ways
you wear your hair, and even in your most delightful manner of
conversation. This House has not been so blessed with lovliness since
Sakura first came home as Sayoran's bride. With the two of you here
together under this one roof, it was quite a spectacle of beauty! I
know all here were very thankful to have had the pleasure of your
company during an all too brief stay.
Please pardon my halting attempts at Japanese. I have been hard at
work on the language ever since Sakura came to live here.. Of course,
I learned the language in college, and sometimes have had recourse to
it at work. But unless one speaks a laguage regularly with a native,
it is difficult to master all of the nuances, yes? Sakura has been
very kindly helping me, and I think she also enjoys conversing in
Japanese now and then. I know it has helped me quite a lot!
Also, thank you for coming for Sakura's sake. I think she sometimes
gets a little lonely here, so far away from friends and family and
her first home in Tomoeda. After I first saw you, I could understand
why she feels that way! She talks about you all the time lately. She
is quite terribly sad about your departure, but will, I am certain,
treasure the memories of you forever. Tomoyo-chan, she is really very
fond of you. I think perhaps even more than she knows? She is in some
ways a simple girl, and sometimes does not see subtle things. But she
has a marvelously big heart, and it is so full of love. Sometimes I
wonder about certain aspects of the wisdom she has had in marrying my
brother. I love little oniichan very much, but there are times when
one wonders about certain things, yes? Being a boy, he was always
very mysterious to me. I know that he cares for her, but about her
love, well, I am not sure if he quite knows what to do with it all?
There is an old saying in China, that a full heart is an empty
heart. What that paradoxical thing means is that the more you love,
the more you yourself need love. That is, the love of a girl like
Sakura is so vast and great, but in turn she also must be loved
greatly. Her heart is big and full of love, but it also needs to be
filled with an equal measure of the precious love of another. I have
sometimes wondered if my brother is capable of such love for his most
gorgeous bride from Japan. Is that a terrible thing for a sister to
say? I am sorry. I am not so subtle as my Mother, a thing she has
reprimanded me forever since I was a very little girl. I tease her
that she never seemed to reprimand me very hard, though, and this is
why I am so outspoken and such an embarrassment to the family. She
says she should have hit me more often, but I know she is kidding.
Anyway, Tomoyo-chan, I think you know what I am talking about here,
because I sense that you, too, have a vast heart that is loving, but
also needs love.
Oh, please do not think that because I am outspoken I cannot keep a
secret within my heart. I must say in honesty that I thought about
telling someone your true feelings. They say that eyes cannot lie, or
even hide the truth. Anyone who has seen your beautiful eyes, which
are like a stormy sea, azure and deep, knows who heaven has favored
with your love and affection. But even though this fortunate one has
somehow not seen herself, I will not tell her, though in some ways my
heart breaks for both of you. It is like some sad story from long
ago. It is like watching a play, where tragedy is happening, but you
are in the audience and can do nothing. Well, please know that I will
not speak of all this with her. But perhaps, you might consider who
should speak to her about your true feelings? Aiyaaa, there I go
again, being outrageously outspoken. If Mother were here, she would
no doubt rap me most smartly on the head with her fan. And I would no
doubt deserve it!
Well, I most certainly enjoyed your visit. It was a delight and a
pleasure and a blessing to be with you as much as I was, though it
was not as much as I would have liked. Please do consider returning
to our home again someday, provided of course you can bear our
shamefully humble hospitality. I would love to take you out to see
more of the city.
Sakura-chan told me you are a most wonderful dancer. I know some
very fun and exciting clubs where one can dance, and forget. Oh, and
perhaps Sakura-chan could come also, yes? Gomenesai, I am very
wicked, for I thought that perhaps she would be too busy to go. But
truly, it would be a joy to see you again, Tomoyo-chan. I pray that
someday I will.
Thank you again for the beautiful pin. It is my treasure.
Your translator friend in Hong Kong,
Li Fanren
Dear Fanren-san,
It was a pleasant surprise to find a letter from you shortly after
Sakura-chan wrote me. And please donít worry about your Japanese. I
wish I had learned some Chinese when I was younger myself. It sure
would have helped now that Sakura-chan is living in Hong Kong. I was
thoroughly delighted to visit. You have such a wonderful home and I
was very happy to see Sakura-chan once more. You and your sisters are
all extremely beautiful, which you must all get from your mother.
Such a lovely household was very pleasant place to stay during my
visit. I cannot thank you enough for your help, especially during the
banquet. I have gone to several important banquets here in Japan with
my mother, but none as grand as the one at your home. I would have
been completely lost without your help. And not just your help at the
banquet. Talking to you helped me quite a bit as well. Being around
Sakura-chan was a joy, but it toyed with my heart at times. Iíve been
in love with her for so long now. Seeing her like that, married to
your brother, it was very bittersweet. Iím very happy that she
married him. He can keep her safe and love her and give her a child.
But at the same time, I miss her very dearly. My heart will always
belong to her, even if she doesnít know that. Being near her, loving
her, is the most joyful pain that I know of. I know I can never have
her, that her heart belongs to another, but these days it isnít as
much comfort as it was when I was a little girl. I think I had
mistaken myself into thinking it would become easier as I grew older.
I agree that Sakura-chan must have been lonely before my visit. I
could tell in her letters that she was getting homesick at times. She
was always very close to her family and friends, so it must have been
very painful for her to move away from all of them. I hope that I
managed to help that with my visit. I really want her to feel better.
She has her new family now and it sounds like sheís already making
new friends. Sheís a bright spot that otherís canít help but gather
around. It was the same when she was back here in Tomoeda. I think
Sakura doesnít quite understand all of her feelings even now. Thatís
part of what made it so difficult to leave. I almost ran back to her
waiting arms instead of boarding my plane. But I knew if I couldnít
leave then, I could never truly leave her life. And I think in the
end, that is the best for both of us. If I quietly fade from her
life, then I will leave the beautiful memories intact, and her
happiness will be assured. She is married to the man she loves and
has a wonderful life. All I can do is ruin that. If she found out my
feelings, she would undoubtedly try to fix things. Sakura-chan always
wants to make things better, especially for those she cares about.
She could never simply reject me, and that would cause problems with
her husband. There is no solution to this problem. She couldnít fix
things. So I canít let her know. I had my chance to tell her years
ago. But I never did. And so I donít think she ever will know. And
thatís probably for the best. If I stay, I donít think I could
survive. My heart would shatter in its attempts to be near her,
watching her happy life from inside the play. Itís much safer for me
to be in the audience. It always has been. But I canít do that
anymore. If I stay, Iíll be too close to things. And my heart canít
bear that anymore.
ĎA full heart is an empty heartí. That is a very wise saying. I
have seen it time and time again. I think that is why I canít stay.
Thatís what makes my heart so brittle the longer I stay in Sakura-
chanís life. The more you love someone, the more you give of your
heart, the more painful it becomes as your love is left unreturned.
But you canít force someone to love you. Who you love, who takes the
most important spot in your heart, it seems to be Fate who decides
such things. Our hearts reach out to those that we love, giving them
all that we are. Whether Sakura loves me or not was never something
that mattered in my love for her. I simply do. And if she doesnít see
my love, then thatís just fine. I only want her to be happy. If the
one you love is happy, then shouldnít that be the best realization of
your love? Isnít that what you truly want for them above all else?
Sakura-chan has a very warm, loving heart. I hope that in time, Li-
kun can fill her heart to the brim so that hers will never be empty.
Itís an interesting paradox. The more I love Sakura-chan, the more I
need love myself from the sayingís wisdom. But I cannot have her
love. Nor could I ever quit loving her. For a short time, I actually
considered what you said after the banquet. You are a beautiful
woman, Fanren-san, and very kind and loving. Anyone who manages to
capture your heart in coming years will be very lucky indeed. The
thought of having someone as wonderful as yourself to hold close and
to weather lifeís many storms with was incredibly tempting. And
something I had never dealt with before. My own love life has never
been one of my biggest concerns, so I havenít devoted much thought to
it. Sakura-chanís love life was always much more important to me.
Thank you very much for your kind words. They lifted my spirits when
I was starting to stumble. I finally decided that it wouldnít be fair
to you. My heart is bound to Sakura-chanís with beautiful red ribbons
that I could not hope to unwind. You deserve someone who can love you
with all of their heart. Thank you again. You have helped me so much.
I am very grateful to have had the chance to know you. On my first
visit to Hong Kong, I was still just a child so we didnít have much
of a chance to speak. Iím very glad we got to this time. So yes, my
heart is empty as its love is all poured forth to Sakura-chan. But it
seems I canít have it any other way.
Thank you for the kind offer. If you ever find yourself in Tomoeda,
I would be most pleased to take you up on it. I donít know of as many
clubs around here, but I do know of a wonderful place to dance that
my mother goes to occasionally. Thank you again for everything,
Fanren-san. Itís very nice to have someone to talk to about these
things. And please donít worry about wanting to tell Sakura-chan how
I feel. Iíve been telling her for years and there have been many
times that Iíve wanted to explain to her what I meant. I hope
everything works out wonderfully for you.
Forever in your debt,
Daidouji Tomoyo