Hello :-) My name's Lindsay, I'm 15 and from Missouri. I first visited this site in October of last year, but has never came to the post boards until tonight. I was raped when I was 12, in November of 2001. I never told anyone until October of last year. It was a Saturday night, that night, like most nights had been lately, I couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying, couldn't ease the pain over what had happened. We had been talking about STDs and sexual abstinence (sp?) in girls health the few weeks before, and I couldn't get it off my mind. I felt worse than I had in quite sometime, I thought it was over, but it was only begining. So, that night, I got online, and I talked to my friend Megan, I had only known her a few months, since about July, because we were on the cheerleading team together...and even though I still didn't know her all that well, I for some reason just completely took to her. I was talking to her, and she apparently could tell something was wrong, because she asked about it, and I spilled. It all happened when my mom's friend Sherry's brother had a fight with his mom and was kicked out of his house. He came to live with us for a while. Everything was alright the first time, after we moved, he moved back home, we still talked to him though, he became a close friend of the family, he was like my big brother, I loved him with all my heart, and I trusted him with my everything, he was my best friend. We did everything together. Well, a while after we were in his new house, his mom and he had another fight, he left home, so he came to stay at our house again. I was THRILLED! I couldnt wait. I was so excited. The only time anything happened, was when he walked in on me when I was in the shower, and it was completely my fault I had thought, I didn't lock the door, and anyways, he was my best friend, my big brother, he loved me and cared about me, it was an accident...or so I thought. It turns out I was very very wrong...because only weeks after that, he raped me. When I told Megan all this, she talked to me about how it wasn't my fault, and said I had to tell someone, or she had to. So that Monday morning, we went to the campus pastor (we go to a Lutheran Highschool together), so we went and talked to him first thing in the morning...I didnt want to go, but she dragged me into his office. At first I just cried, and then I began to sob...Megan sat there and held my hand, and the pastor just sat there, waiting. When I was finally able to tell what happened, Megan was sobbing with me, and Pastor C had tears in his eyes. We talked about it, and he wanted me to know if I wanted him to help tell my mom, and I said yes, so he had to go to teach a class, and he let me and Megan stay in his office and cool down. We were there until 4th period...she stayed with me, and cried with me, and held my hand the entire time. I finally went back to class, and towards the end of last hour, I was called down to his office...as I was walking down there, I met my mom in the hall, she said they had called her at work, and I couldn't even look her in the eyes, I just started to sob again. We got into the office, and she looked at me, and then Pastor C, and asked what was wrong, the Pastor told her I had come to the office with Megan that morning, and told him something very important, I then told her the rest. She was so sad. So heartbroken. I wanted to just die. It was so hard seeing her so hurt. Pastor C took care of my homework and notified my teachers something important had come up with me and that I would not be in class and my homework would not be in on time. I took a few days off. Talked to a therapist, detective. It was such a long "few days." I had to do a, okay well I can't remember the name, but something where I went into a room with a one sided mirror and tell what happened while they video taped it, it was so hard. I was a mess. I just sobbed. I felt as if I could die. The only good thing about that tape, was that it took my place in court, so I didn't have to go and face the man that hurt me. Since then, it seems as if sometimes my days are much better, and sometimes they're just worse. I still struggle with so many stupid silly things, showers, dating, guys in general, my step-dad-to-be, my grandpa, some movies/songs, stupid little things that I'm trying to get over still. Anyways, I'm just looking for some support, somewhere safe, if I don't find it here I give up, heh :\

Wow, this was terribly long, if you made it this far, thank you so so much.

I guess I kinda needed to vent :\ Thanks again.

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I'm really glad you found this place. I'm so sorry for what you went through. But it sounds like you had some really supportive people to lean on, that's really great. I commend you for coming forward about it and for trying to see that he would pay for it, that is so incredibly brave of you, I don't know if I would be able to that.

I know what you're going through, we all do here, and we're here to support you in whatever you need. It' amazing the things that become so problematic when you're dealing with something like this, things other people take for granted, but it is normal and justified, so don't feel bad.

I hope you find the support you need here, and look forward to getting to know you. Feel free to pm me or anything if you ever need to talk!

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Interests:I have been obsessed with horses since I was very, very young. One of my earliest memories is of sitting on a horse, looking down at my father and being terrified and delighted at the same time. During the years of my abuse I found them to be loyal, caring, gentle, and valiant friends when there were none to be found elsewhere. Since meeting and marrying my current husband I have found that I am less obsessed with them now, leading me to believe I have finally found what it was I was needing all those years when I depended on my equine friends for love and support. :) I still love horses and probably always will but the obsession is gone. <br /><br />Other interests are more mundane - my family, art, computer graphic art, writing poetry, reading copious amounts of books, sewing, and crafts. I love to swim and spend as much time at the pool as I can every summer. Unfotunately, due to a seriously messed up back - due no doubt to years of not caring if I hurt myself while riding crazy horses and motorcycles - I no am no longer able to do the physically demanding things I used to love to do, such as bicycle riding, running, bowling, dirt bike riding, ATV's, fishing, and rattlesnake hunting. (Too hard on my back to jump out of the way anymore! LOL)

Oh, hon, what a horrible thing to have happen to you when you were 12 years old. The man who did that is a monster and I hope you're able help put him in prison where he belongs.

I think you'll find the folks on this site are very supportive and will go the distance for you. You did nothing to deserve the treatment you recieved from this monster. Please take extra care of yourself, sweetie, because it sounds like right now you are feeling a little more vulnerable than normal.

It certainly sounds like you have a very caring, and supportive group of people around you right now, which is exactly what you need. You can always PM me or anyone else here who's made this offer if you feel the need for a one on one conversation. I've never been in your shoes so I can't say I know how you feel. All I can do is be supportive and listen - and dispense gentle, caring cyberhugs if you need them. That you have so many people around you to support and care for you speaks volumes about what a precious and beautiful soul you are.