SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

DR update

Had a long talk with husband last night. Explained to him that I don't believe his stories. I told him I would just rather know if he had slept with someone than constantly thinking it on my own. I told him I believe that he did and it was his chance to come clean. I told him in particular I wanted to talk about the girl he emailed and phone called, last summer. It was good conversation. He said we were in a bad place which we were, that he was hanging out with her and buying her drinks and dancing. Which is the most he's told me at this point. He also said that he did NOT sleep with her and when he came home he kept talking to her because he didn't the fun he experienced in the DR to end. Its like I said the most information I have gotten from him. I am very leery of the whole situation still but I have my eyes open and I am still thinking what I am going to, I will not tolerate this behavior and I am seriously considering leaving him. It s lot to throw away. 32 years, 4 beautiful, daughters, basically my whole entire life. I also told him that after having lost one of our daughters, in a car accident, losing him or our marriage isn't the worse thing that could happen to me.

brokenblackbird posted 6/14/2013 10:02 AM

So its the same as its always been?

You have all the *proof* you need to make a decision. I understand not wanting to make a decision. But he has proven he has lied in the past, what makes this time any different?

You know he slept with someone. He was afraid he had HIV.

It all stops when you say it stops.

solus sto posted 6/14/2013 16:56 PM

What changed? Really---he's still denying things you know to be true.

I am afraid that you're doing what I did: choosing to "believe" things because it's easier.

The information in your profile does not jibe with what he is now (still) telling you. He is lying.

How will you reconcile this? He's lying to you. Are you content to lie to yourself, too? As judgmental as this sounds, I truly, truly do not mean for it to. Trust me---I did the very same for a very long time. From the other side, I can tell you that it caused nothing but added pain. I would so hate for you to experience that.

By all means, feel relief that you were able to have a conversation about his infidelity without an eruption. But now that you know he is more comfortable than ever smoothing your feathers with dishonesty, consider formulating a plan for the consequences you will enact if he does not offer a more complete truth within a specific time frame.

Life is too short to live a lie, liarswife. (I wish you had a name that described you as YOU, rather than as a modifier of your husband.)

You can handle this a couple of different ways. You can tell him, "I found it really encouraging that we were able to talk with each other last night without fighting. It gives me lots of hope for our future together. But we both know that the extent of the infidelity to which you admitted doesn't mesh with what has happened in the past. For example, <insert examples, such as the phone theft by a prostitute, the HIV scare, which you KNOW didn't come out of thin air, and so on>. In order to make decisions about our future, I need the full truth from you. If you think you are protecting me or our marriage by withholding the truth, you're mistaken. We can't have a real marriage without truth. Lies and secrets create boundaries to the emotional intimacy required for a genuine marriage. I want and deserve real closeness with you, and your choices have made that impossible. I think this can be changed, and want to try. But this means I need <insert conditions, such as a timeline of all inappropriate behavior with women including HONEST details of the extent of content, a commitment to IC to gain coping skills, and eventual MC, once he's made headway in IC>. If you won't or can't do these things to me, I will reevaluate my willingness to stay in our marriage."

If that's too much for you (and I totally understand if it is; it took me a very long time to do this---because the stakes are very high, and you have to be ready to act), then make a contract with yourself. For example, "If he does not initiate a discussion to discuss his DR 'girlfriend,' and her relation to his HIV scare by <insert date>, I will see an attorney and rental agent."

Honey, your conversation last night was reassuring. I get that. He said what you wanted to hear--and that always feels good. UNTIL IT STARTS TO FEEL AWFUL. And it will. Why? Because you know it was not true.

The lies do not become easier to withstand with time. They get harder and harder and harder. And then, one day, you realize you've given your life to a person was unworthy of such a gift.

It's a horrible realization, and adds to the equation some really complicated emotional stuff, including anger at yourself. It really compounds the fallout of infidelity, and makes healing even more complicated.

fourever posted 6/14/2013 17:48 PM

It makes me crazy to hear these stories. Yes, he's lying, and you know he is.

Here is a Road Map: Follow it!

Open an account in your name. Fund it well.
Make an appointment with an attorney. Tell wh you have done this.

Sit him down, and tell him this:
First: Ask him if he would like to stay married.
Then:
I am giving you one, only one, get out of jail free card. I want the truth, now.
Tell him you expect to be very upset by the truth, but you will do your best to listen to what he has to say. He may not make any further decisions about your life, and there is no negotiating this.
If you are unable to be truthful now, today, then pack a bag, you must leave.
Make sure he knows where the door is, that you are quite capable of caring for yourself and the kids.

See where that goes.

Ask him to make you a written timeline in the next two weeks as well.

We have a saying here on SI, it's "Pull up your Bitch Boots and use them."
You don't have to keep the appt, or follow through, but you must be prepared to follow through. I personally feel there is a future for the two of you, but not if you don't stop this game now.

liarswife29 posted 6/14/2013 20:19 PM

Thank you all for the advice. I really appreciate it. I never said I believed him I just said that it was a good conversation. I have a long term plan for me. I have One child left at home who has little time left here. I will not cut off my nose to spite my face at this point. I have worked long and hard throughout this marriage and I believe that I am entitled to quite a bit financially and I'm not willing to just walk out without it, I am smarter than my husband is I can be just as deceiving as he has been to me all the while acting like things are fine. I know my WH better than anyone on this planet and I know how to handle him in this situation and if I don't handle things in the right way for me I will end up with nothing, because I know what he would do. But I Do thank you all I'm am doing what's best for me right now.

Ashland13 posted 6/15/2013 11:43 AM

I wish you well, liar's wife.

The lies got so thick and so deep that they were one of the things that pushed me towards divorce. I'm glad you see through what's being said and FWIW, your WH sounds like STBX/Perv, who minimizes everything or changes it to try to get the trouble he will be in to be less.

I'm glad you are working on a plan and thinking. It took me about a year and I am financially ruined, but getting some self-respect back and respect from people who used to think me incompetent and other things.

I am like you in that the situation is delicate, even though Perv has been gone quite a while, there is a kind of protocol with how to deal with it-him-and especially the money aspect of things.

What's been really hard here is finding out how much law is on his side and seeing the L he chose and how they are handling things.

I wish you well and I wish you peace. You sound like a good mom and I'm rooting for you.

LearningToFly posted 6/15/2013 12:33 PM

It is really hard to spend almost your whole life with someone thinking they were a moral person, a good person, to bring children into the world with them, to be open and vulnerable, to become financially dependent on them, and then to find they aren't what they presented. It is scary when you are over 50 and realize you may have to start over and that all the work you did to make a life together is blown apart.

I have made excuses for my H throughout our marriage because he presents himself as a happy-go-lucky family man, a hard worker full of energy, with a good head on his shoulders. He is a beloved teacher and students from 20 years ago still adore him. How could they all be wrong? To me, he is selfish, insensitive, and irresposnible in his actions in our marriage and family. It makes sense that I should walk.

But, I have invested over half my life in this marriage and family. I was an at-home-mom and have a very part-time job I love. I will have to give that up. I also am fully aware that I am not perfect and there is a lot I can do to make my life better. I have been working on spending time with friends, learning what to let go of in my family (the things I cannot control), taking care of myself in emotional and physical ways, and trying to reclaim who I have lost in all the years of dedicating myself to my husband and children. My husband is not standing in my way as far as me learning to take care of myself. Its my hope that as I become less emotionally dependent on him, I will be happier and will be able to control my fear which looks like anger to him. Then our relationship could get better, and if it doesn't, I an better off as a person no matter what.

Are you feeling that way too?

EasyDoesIt posted 6/16/2013 00:25 AM

Thank you all for the advice. I really appreciate it. I never said I believed him I just said that it was a good conversation. I have a long term plan for me. I have One child left at home who has little time left here. I will not cut off my nose to spite my face at this point. I have worked long and hard throughout this marriage and I believe that I am entitled to quite a bit financially and I'm not willing to just walk out without it, I am smarter than my husband is I can be just as deceiving as he has been to me all the while acting like things are fine. I know my WH better than anyone on this planet and I know how to handle him in this situation and if I don't handle things in the right way for me I will end up with nothing, because I know what he would do. But I Do thank you all I'm am doing what's best for me right now.

When I knew that I was going to file for divorce I developed a plan and checked things off one at a time. My intention for a couple of years was to file for divorce the day after my youngest son graduated from high school. I was off by only one day.

I even used his debit card to go grocery shopping, do the 60,000 mile check up on the car, fill up with gas, etc. And when I say that I went grocery shopping, I mean I bought enough for two months.

Don't let anyone rush you. I'm glad that I stuck to my plan, to every detail. I stored documents at a neighbor's house, I filled prescriptions, I got a health check-up, everything. I bought extra dog food, I got extra toilet paper, detergent, you name it.

It gave me a feeling of control over a situation I had no control of: my marriage. He ended it in theory. I ended it in reality on MY terms, on MY time, in MY way.

Own your future. Hugs.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/16/2013 10:05 AM

Since he's so determined for you to believe his bullcrap story, he can prove to you that he's not lying by taking a polygraph test. I would assume he'd jump at the chance to prove to you that he's being honest - right?