oh my god

Buying ‘Hardware Stuff’: Day One of the Press’ 24-Hour Surveillance of Mitt Romney

It’s a fresh, hellishly dystopian day for Mitt Romney and Co., collectively referred to as “Boston.” Until now, the press could only cover our fair non-incumbent at scheduled events or when summoned to transcribe amateurish spin. Starting today, a small herd of nosey scribes known as the “protective press pool” will follow Romney wherever he goes, always, until the end of time, but probably just until November. What is a day in the life of a Mitt like? We’ll never know. But we do now have some sense of what a pretend day in the life of a Mitt is like. He does simple-folk things, like run errands to the grocery and hardware stores. His advisers surely gave him a thorough briefing on what one is supposed to do at these retail institutions, because he nailed it: At the hardware store, for example, he exchanged United States legal tender for market goods and services he described as “hardware stuff” — just as he was told to do, and in the terse lingo of the proletariat.

Hopefully the pool reports will all stay this hilarious, and we can have one sure-thing post each day until the election. First, to the village merchant of hard-wares, shortly after sunrise:

Gov. Romney arrived at Bradley’s Hardware in downtown Wolfeboro, N.H., at 8:45 a.m., after a short drive down Main Street.

Romney was wearing a casual salmon checkered button-down shirt, his sleeves rolled up his forearm. He wore jeans and black New Balance shoes. As he walked into the store, he was carrying what appeared to be a shopping list. He said hello to a local woman, “Hi, there, how are you doing?” When your pool asked her if she planned to vote for Romney, she said, “Of course.”

Romney is inside the store shopping and your pool is holding on the street outside.

The pool coverage of Mitt Romney’s Typical, Unspectacular Day Doing Errands continued at the cookery’s supply market, and then the dispensary of medicines:

Gov. Romney left Bradley’s Hardware at 8:54 a.m. with a beige bucket of goods. Asked what he bought, Romney told your pooler, “Hardware stuff.” Then, he said, “Going to the grocery store now,” and climbed into his Suburban.

At 8:57 a.m., Romney arrived at Hunters Shop ‘n Save, a nearby grocery store. Before entering the store, he stopped to get two ears of “native sweet corn” from an outside display. They were on sale for two for $1.00.

When your pool asked if he was cooking tonight, Romney said, “Absolutely.” At that, Romney grabbed a shopping cart and went inside the store. Your pool remained outside in the parking lot.

At 9:09 a.m., Romney exited the store with a shopping cart full of groceries. He loaded up the trunk of the Suburban himself, without help of agents. He had 12-packs of Caffeine Free Diet Coke and Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi, as well as a 24-pack of Poland Spring bottled water. He also had two plastic bags of groceries. Your pooler spotted Greek yogurt.

When your pool asked whether he was cooking tonight, Romney said, “I’ll make my own dinner. That’s not exactly cooking.”

Romney said, “I’ve got some folks coming over today.” When one reporter asked if they were Rob Portman or Tim Pawlenty, Romney laughed, “Ha, ha, ha, ha,” but did not answer.

At 9:11 a.m., Romney walked across the parking lot to Rite Aid pharmacy. Your pool stayed outside. At 9:16 a.m., Romney emerged from the store with a plastic bag of goods. He held his iPhone with his left hand up to his ear, but then had a conversation with one lady whose car was blocked in by his motorcade.

“I’m sorry for blocking you in there. I don’t know about these guys,” Romney told her, motioning at the Secret Service agents.

“It’s because you’re a very special person,” she told Romney, giving him a thumbs up.

“Have a nice day,” he said.

Romney arrived back at his residence at 9:22 a.m. and your pool is holding.

At what unspectacular destinations will he perform unspectacular tasks this afternoon? Perhaps a clothery, a haberdasher, some other bullshit…

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

But was he surprised by the workings of the mysterious bar code scanning machine, like Bush Sr.?

larrykat

12 minutes from arrival at the grocery store until exiting with a cart full of groceries?? I call bullshit and pre-shopped merchandise. Probably had his valet go down there and pick it all out before hand.

You crack me up. I *just* finished zipping around town during "lunch break" which I routinely substitute with errand running. The time it took me to find my choice coffee bean hipster joint was a.) filled to overflowed parking, and b.) auxiliary coffee stand vacant "WE'RE CLOSED", was all the time I could afford away from my desk — in which same interval, Rmoney could've helped himself to a few extra leveraged buyouts for his mid-day snack.

slithytoves

Right – and that's when every store is so crowded because we're in the same boat, and you waste half your day in lines or trying to find someone to help you, and then you get home and have to go to work again.

Blueb4sinrise

THIS IS DRAMATIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rehearsal:
…….
"Then you put stuff in the cart and push it to the checkout."

"You gotta be kidding!"

"No, really."

Baconzgood

If I had 100 million and people following me and reporting about all the little errands I do in a day I'd totally fuck with them. Buy every Hustler in the store, an enema, and then ask "how much for your women, I want to buy the little girl and your wife" in my Jake Blues voice.

Mittens bought "hardware stuff" because he doesn't have a clue what he bought – but he can read hardware….thus hardware stuff. My lord, is this what "news" reporting has come to? I am ashamed that I were ever part of the media.

grex1949

It was prolly a new set of washers for the kitchen faucet and one of those grinders to re-face the valve and cure that dripping faucet Anne has been complaining about. You know, surprise the "old lady" when she returns from showing her horse at the Olympics, just like we all do, when our wife is at the Olympics showing her horse in the dressage competition. She'll be so happy when she drives up in her couple of Cadillacs and finds that kitchen faucet repaired! What a great country we live in!

When my parents first encountered a microwave, they were trying to cook some hot dogs and put them in for what they figured was a reasonable amount of time — fifteen minutes or thereabouts. I kind of imagine Mitt cooking for himself will produce about the same results as the scorched, exploded meat that resulted.

Oblios_Cap

great story!

Ducksworthy

I think you'll see similar results when Willard starts to cook the U.S. treasury's books.

Mitt was quick to point out, "When you're successful like I am you're always buying things and when you buy things they charge sales tax. I told you I pay a lot of taxes and there's your proof. Now shut up about my taxes."

DustBowlBlues

I've actually wondered if his claim to have paid taxes is based on paying sales and property taxes. I heard this AM he made a sweet $100,000 on the taxes on one of his estates by hiring a lawyer and appealing. Like they couldn't pay the bill. What complete douches. He is the least public spirited candidate for president since Calvin Coolidge. When he dies I hope someone goes all Dorothy Parker on his ass.

Isyaignert

I agree with your supposition about Rmoney's taxes. He never said he paid a lot of "income" tax just taxes.

Bonus points for the excellent Dorothy Parker reference!!

Joey_Blau

what a miserable soul sapping existance… to be following Willard around.

Later on, at the adult novelties superstore, Romney browsed the glass selection.

"I'm looking for, like, a party bowl with a long-ish stem. Can I see that blue one with the dragon?"

He was last seen disappearing behind the curtain leading into the dildo aisle.

Fukui-sanYesOta

On hearing that Romney had purchased the anus version of the fleshlight, pool reporters were rushing to report the quote from Willard's campaign strategist: "I'll kill your family and everyone you love"

While in the hardware store, he should've bought a new bulb. His is rather dim.

Ducksworthy

I think I know now where he gets his Jeans. And is bottled water really hardware stuff, or is that some kind of poison?

metamarcisf

Mitt Romney consumes mass quantities.

Biff

Mep! MEP!!

larrykat

"Gov. Romney arrived at Bradley’s Hardware in downtown Wolfeboro, N.H…." Whereupon he promptly remarked to the owner that he had "heard some distressing things" about their gate hinges and thought maybe that didn't bode well for the success of opening and closing gates. Romney then wrote a short prayer and tried to stuff it into the display of PVC piping.

In addition to being a tax cheat, he's also an all around cheap skate.

Jus_Wonderin

Pandering to people who nail things and eat???????????

SmutBoffin

Ron Jeremy?

walterhwhite

But wait! The Wild Cheery Diet Pepsi has caffeine. Has the pool reported this to the 12 ancient men who run the Mormon church?

Blueb4sinrise

It's for the pool reporters to help them stay awake.

mlle_derp

Hello? It's for the butler.

HistoriCat

Have they no store brand sodas?!?

horsedreamer_1

I still miss Adria Cola, the local Coke competitor from my time in Romania.

BaldarTFlagass

Then after he got home, he got on the phone and bought one of the remaining manufacturing companies in this country, gutted the employee's pension fund, moved the jobs to China, fired all the employees, and then sold the company for a sweet 200% profit.

Monsieur_Grumpe

I can see Mitt in a hardware store staring long and hard at a toilet plunger wondering what it's used for.

GeorgiaBurning

Fixing the Republican party?

larrykat

.. when suddenly it comes back to him: Oh yes! It was that funny-looking tool from the janitor's closet that we used on that long-haired hippie back in '65!

thedeathofirony

Of course he went to tax-free NH to shop instead of 'Taxachusetts'.

Fucking asshole

annettaj

Mittens: "Now do I get to take this wheeled metal thingy home with me or do I
give it to that patriotic multi-clothed American sitting in the alley?"

And oh yeah—What fresh hell will come of this?

TootsStansbury

This crap is supposed to be believable? Bwaahaahaa!

SheriffRoscoe

He hit a brief snag in the screwdriver aisle. His shopping list said to get a Phillips but all they had were ones that said "Stanley." (This comment is not the least bit autobiographical.)

RadioBowels

He could go to Wal-Mart and get some more flip-flops and other "Made in China" stuff.

Quit being a Mittens apologizer! I looked at a googlemaps and it is a short drive to the sales tax havin state of Maine from there! Monster! He's a tax dodging MONSTER!

johnnymeatworth

Are they planning to barbecue Rafalca?

BlueStateLibel

I can just imagine him going into these stores and just randomly picking shit up and throwing it in his cart, having no idea what it is and what it's used for. I bet there's some random Cover Girl makeup, a box of Fruit Loops and a 32-bit drill thrown in with that lot.

Later this evening, he'll try to start up his propane grill with matches and lighter fluid.

thewarmingsun

Can you imagine what the rehearsals for this were like?

"Goddammit, Mitt. No! You give the cashier money. She doesn't give you money!"

DahBoner

How dare Those People actually cover what a Republican actually says and does!!!

Don't they know they're only supposed to cover fake events like clearing brush or riding a horse on a ranch in Santa Barbara????

GeorgiaBurning

Somebody still doesn't get it. He needs to show up in a flannel shirt, paint spattered old jeans and a day's beard growth, and come out of the store with a couple paint brushes, a can of spackle and a gallon of turpentine. Plus a Slim-Jim from the display by the cash register.

barto

What a plebe! Just the kind of guy I'd love to have a Caffeine-Free Diet Cherry Coke with.

Resorting back to his last visit to the outside, then he fired all the employees at the store …

OneYieldRegular

"Romney was wearing a casual salmon checkered button-down shirt."

I'm surprised he didn't wear a wife-beater, you know, like the commoners.

BeefHardcake

The scene paints itself: Mitt walks into the grocery store, approaches the first person he finds and says, "Hello, Earth person! I would like to purchase some of this human food supply product, please."

Then he peels off his fake epidermis to reveal that he is, in fact, Ultron in disguise.

Notice that the Pepsi isn't caffeine free? When the Brigham Young Capitalist wing of the C of JC of LDS invested in Pepsi stock, the caffeine in Pepsi became not harmful to your body. I'm supposing the president of the "church" wandered into the Utah desert for about the same amount of time that Mittens spent in the hardware store, buying hardware stuff, had a talk with God's own stockbroker, who said that it was a good buy and consuming shit that's bad for your personal temple of God is okay, as long as it's a good investment.

Biff

They don't seem to mind receiving their cut of the Marriott porn profits, either.

An_Outhouse

This time of the year you can get a dozen ears of corn for two dollars. Over paying by that much is not a good attribute for the leader of the free world.

Isyaignert

I thought the same thing.

An_Outhouse

Romney spent 12 minutes in the grocery store. That's a lot of shit to buy in in 12 minutes. Maybe he called ahead and they had everything waiting for him.

owhatever

Next, I'm headed over to a private massage emporium where college girls are working to earn money for their degrees in biochemistry. Then I will go home and cook up a lettuce and watch some gay porn, I mean the Olympics.

I'm not gonna read all the comments to see if anyone else says this, but I'ma say this is a man that has never been sent to the store for tampons. Ever.

TribecaMike

I'm sure he didn't pick up any Moxie at the grocery store. For one thing, his faith doesn't allow it (24 mg of caffeine per 12-ounce bottle), and secondly he's a fecking wimp.

horsedreamer_1

Cue: Crawford 2 — The Brush-clearenning.

TribecaMike

I can see the reporters reporting oh-so-seriously over Mitt clearing the Silky Sassafras from his estate(s). Or at the least supervising a crew of wetbacks.

mrivers459

Will he be going to Kinko's tomorrow to make thousands of pages of copies of his tax returns to give to that filthy liar, Harry Reid, shut him up ?

DocChaos

So Romney managed to hit 3 separate stores in 31 minutes, buying several items at each venue? I guess if they have the shit waiting at the counter for you, and the line cleared so there is no waiting, that's possible.