Amassing Your Army for the Zombie Apocalypse Out of Active Twitter Followers

by Mel

Let’s pretend we live in a dystopian society on the brink of a zombie apocalypse, and the only army you can amass to fight 12,000,000 of the undead are the active Twitter followers of Neil Gaiman (@neilhimself), Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome), or Justin Bieber (@justinbieber).

Neil Gaiman, by the way, has 1,753,633 followers. Stephen Colbert has 3,796,206. And Justin Bieber is pulling in 26,614,116.

You’d get a scorching case of Bieber fever and go with the teen heartthrob, outnumbering the zombies 2:1, right? But not so fast. If you want to survive the zombie apocalypse, you’re going to have to pay attention to the small details. Notice I said active followers — let’s take a look at how many of those followers are actual human beings who log into Twitter regularly.

According to StatusPeople, only 41% of Gaiman’s followers are active Twitter users. 15% of those 1,753,633 followers are robots and another 44% of the followers are inactive. Colbert has an equal percentage of actual users — 41% — though his robots (28%) and inactive (31%) break down differently. Lastly, Bieber clocks in with a lower 36% actual users (with 31% robots and 33% inactive). Making that 26,614,116 closer to 9,581,081. Still an impressive number. But if you had to fight 12,000,000 zombies and thought you’d have an enormous advantage with Bieber’s original follower number, you’d be sorely mistaken. In fact, you are outnumbered and the zombies are most definitely eating your brain.

Brains!

You may be wondering how I’d fare when the zombies come. Out of my 2,775 Twitter followers, 89% (or 2,470) are active users. Which means I have a decent fight machine in my back pocket. Other than amassing this zombie army, that number is fairly meaningless. It doesn’t tell you how many of those 2,470 actually give a shit and would chop off a zombie’s head if it were eating me. How many of those 2,470 would give me their opinion on what to buy at the hardware store if I was zombie-proofing my home. How many of those 2,470 would cry with me if the zombies got to Cozy Jackson. (Do zombies eat hamsters?)

By which I mean, I’m not going to put too much stock in numbers. I’m not going to put much stock in my number or your number of Bieber’s number. Because they’re all just numbers. And they can’t keep you safe when the zombies come.

And let’s face it: out of Bieber’s 9 million, how many do you think are 12-year-old girls? How are THEY going to help me when the zombies come? I mean maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe Colbert’s followers will fight hard. But Bieber’s? Forget it.

I’d be the hoser with no one next to me… I’m not on twitter. But perhaps I would be able to hide much easier without an army. I am always afraid of the randomness of the masses. Maybe I could stealthily sneak into a dark corner of a pub, and have a drink whilst the zombies rage on. Will they come to Canada?

If I were going to choose, I’d most likely go with Gaiman’s followers, as they might actually have an idea of how to fight zombies. Regardless of the numbers. Strategery!

Of course, like Brid, I’d have no way to access them, since I refuse to get involved in Twitter. Or Pinterest. Or Google+ I should really get off the internet altogether and attend to my 17 projects that I don’t feel like finishing. Of course, in a zombie apocalypse, it won’t much matter if my projects are done. All that matters is where to find the shotgun and shells…

I don’t have many followers – 51, actually. But the good news is that none of them are fake (I block them the instant they follow me) and 90% are active. Most of them would know what to do in a zombpocalyse. Whether or not they’d let me in to share their resources is another matter – I know of a few who definitely would.

Some of my followers are people who follow Gaiman AND Colbert but NOT Beiber, so I think I’m covered. I would *definitely* go with Gaiman, though – like “a” said above, they’re most likely to know what to do.

I am not on twitter but I love reading your posts about social media and hearing your take on them. At the moment I’m on facebook and pinterest and they are plenty for me – unless of course there is a zombie invasion. In that case – I’m screwed.

I too would want Neil Gaiman’s followers protecting me. I just get a strong vibe that they’d know how to take down a zombie. I also would be fine taking Stephen Colbert’s followers because if his followers are anything like his television demographic, they are made up of spry young men. They seem scrappy. I bet his million+ could give 12 million zombies a run for their money, or at least come up with clever places to hide/booby-trap houses.

Bieber may have large numbers, but will his followers really be able to protect me? Will the average Bieber fan have the same mad skillz as a Gaiman fan or the brawn of a Colbert fan? Numbers are meaningless when it comes to the zombies and social media.

I want to especially thank Tiara for saying she would come to my rescue during the zombie apocalypse. I just want to point out that the rest of you have essentially said it’s every woman for herself with her silence. See, numbers mean nothing. Who the hell cares if you have a billion followers or blog readers or friends on Facebook if they won’t come to your aid in chopping off a zombie’s head?

And for the record, though I would scream hysterically in the same way I scream when I suck a cricket into the Dyson, I would take off the zombie head for every person I have in my Google Reader.

Sure, the Bieliebers aren’t going to be as scrappy, as well-prepared, or as knowledgeable as Gaiman’s, Colbert’s, or the Bloggess’s armies. But there are a few advantages to taking the Bieber followers. One, like you said, is that they’re mostly tween girls. They’re small enough that you might be able to use them as a weapon. Just grab them by the ankles and turn in circles to protect your perimeter. Two, their numbers mean you can use them as human shields. Distract the zombies with a tasty, defenseless brain while you run. Three, the following two advantages could get you accepted into a different army and then you’d have way more troops.

I love this post! I think us ALI bloggers would be fine against zombies! We have been through more difficult things than someone trying to eat our brains. If we stand together I bet we could save the world!

Actually, since we all know zombie apocalypses are won by small groups of anarchists and vigilantes, you probably want my army. I can’t even remember who follows me on twitter. Heck, i can’t even remember what i’m called on twitter. Do you happen to have me there somewhere Mel? Because if yes, the brain defense thing is absolutely on.

Who is Mel?

Melissa, otherwise known as Mel, The Stirrup Queen, and most recently nicknamed Lollipop Goldstein, has been blogging since 2006. In addition to STIRRUP QUEENS, she also writes the daily Lost and Found (LFCA). She also writes for BlogHer. You can join her on StumbleUpon. She's known to Twitter about her wonky ovaries.