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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Ask Twitarded: We Asked For It!

So, not too long ago we offered to bare our blackest, deepest, Twilight-y souls to you - all you had to do was ask and we'd answer.

And ask you did. Some were serious, some were deep, and some were just balls-to-the-wall-what-the-fuck?!-you-need-to-take-your-meds-level inquiries. Which of course we loooooved!

C'mon, you know you still want to ask one...

It's true - we loved them all! And tonight we'll be doing our first round of answers.

Twitarded Mom asks: Do you have any tattoos or piercings? If so, were they inspired by Twilight and/or FanFic?I'm a big sissy who has never had any tattoos or piercings. My hubby has brought the idea of piercings up a number of times, but it's never gone anywhere because their is pain involved. Did I mention I'm a sissy?After reading Clipped Wings & Inked Armour a couple times, I wanted to share it with my other half. He had no interest in the plot, so I skipped ahead to the juicy stuff. The day after I started reading to him about Tatward & Inkella having hot sex, we went out & got pierced. He got barbells in his penis and I got both nipples & my clit (just like Bella)

Latchkey Wife:

I have a life-size image of Edward Cullen on my back. My husband really enjoys looking at him while he's taking me doggy-style. But no, it wasn't inspired by Twilight.... Bwaaaahaha! Just kidding. I don't have ANY tattoos YET! And the only thing on my body that's pierced (unfortunately) is my ears. Although, I've always wanted my eyebrow pierced.

Jenny Jerkface:

First of all, my clitoris just read that paragraph, yelped and begged me to keep needles far, far away from her. Oh, and my nipples thought about it for a second before heading to the hills, too.

And sissy, you most certainly are not.

I also have to give you major kudos. We Twitards tend to be of an age where this sort of thing would cause an eyebrow to raise, since it can't be readily dismissed as "teenage rebellion".

And this, TwitardedMom, is why you just rocked my socks off. Seriously.

In answer to your question -- I have six tattoos and have had a total of 18 piercings in my lifetime, though most of those were in my ears. I have had my septum pierced twice, the side of my nose and my belly button. I let some stupid 16 year old boy pierce my belly button in his bed room and it hurt like a mother fucking bitch which is why, nearly 17 years later, I refuse to take that fucker out.

I'm pretty much done with the piercing but I sure as fuck would like to get a few more tattoos, much to ML's chagrin. No Twitarded ones, though. I look back on how many times I came close to getting band logos tattooed on me, only to despise them years later.

Snarkier Than You:

Wow!! Go Twitarded Mom & Mr. Mom!!

The most piercings I have had is five, all in my ears (and I can't wear earings anymore so now I have none). I considered getting my nose pierces when I was in college (and piercings were not so commonplace) but decided it wasn't for me. I also thought about a naval piercing until Mr. Snarky reminded me that I cringe in pain when my belly button is even touched and probably wouldn't take kindly to someone sticking a ginormous needle through it. I don't have any tattoos at present but wouldn't rule it out in the future. I can't see getting Edward's mug on my bicep, but something that has some veiled reference to the Twidom definitely isn't out of the question.

Well! That was relatively painless, despite the line of questioning...

Next we have a 27-part question from the ever-entertaining Hypoallergenic Vagina...

Swear to shit, this is what I got when I google image searched "hypoallergenic". Not even vagina. Or pussy. It's purrrrrfect...

What are your "hard limits"?1) in fanfic2) in FFFOOORRRRKKKSSSSS3) in bed?

Latchkey Wife:

1) Yeesh, way to start off with the question/answer session a bang, literally. I have no limits in FanFic but I do have a hard time with the slash stuff. The only slash I’ve read is The Trip Home and while it was fucking vag tingling for the most part, the boy on boy action made me cringe a little bit. For me, it was kind of like a sexual train wreck… I wanted to look away but I just couldn’t. So now I just sort of steer clear of the boys-sucking-cock stuff (not that there's anything wrong with that...).

3) Now in bed… that’s a tricky one. I’ve always and forever said that butt sex is an absolute hard limit. I often joke with my friends that I need to have ‘Exit Only’ tattooed on my ass just in case I pass out and there’s any question whether or not I want the pecker in the pooper. But I’ve started to rethink my stance… I think I’d let RPattz totally stick it in my butt… if he wanted to, that is.

Jenny Jerkface:

Damn, Hypo-Vag, you don't fuck around, do you? Oh wait... never mind.

1) Hard limits in fic? I'd like to think I'm an open-minded chick and I'm pretty cool with all the debauchery the various Twilight characters find themselves in. While I might feel a little squeamish with the super duper hard S&M shit, for the most part I enjoy it all.

HOWEVER. There is actually one hard limit I DO have. I can't read Rob porn or Robsten porn or any porn that portrays the actors rather than their characters. It just makes me feel kind of squiffy inside, which is ridiculously ironic since I am always hypothetically jumping his bones.

2) In Fooooorks? Wait, we're talking general debauchery, right? Well, I promised Mommy (not a)Jerkface I wouldn't tell her if I got arrested so... fuck it, the sky's the limit. As long as the good people of Forks don't storm the motel with torches and pitchforks because we've done something they disapprove of, I think I can handle anything. You see, it's not so much the action that makes me pause, but the consequence...

3) In bed, hmmmm. I know I talk about poop and bodily functions on this blog but if anyone ever tried to actually shit or pee on me I'd rip his nuts off, shove them through his ear and pull them out of his nose -- that constitutes a hard limit, right?

And, while I may or may not be down for a little spanky-spanky, caning is WAY the fuck out. Like Bella from MotU, definitely no canes.

Other than that I think I could be persuaded to just pretty much anything...

Snarkier Than You:

Haiiii HypoI'mRentingJacob'sHouseInForksVahjayjay!!

Do you think they'll still give you your security deposit back???

1) In Fanfic? I think everyone has made fun of me enough 'round these parts for not keeping up on fanfic, so it's no secret that I haven't read a ton... What I have read? Well, let's just say the dirtier, the better. I can't say that I get into the "slash" stuff I've come across, but that's only because I am selfish and there's no room for my vagina amongst all those penises.

2) In Forks? No streaking (for me - the rest of you go and reenact a scene from "Old School" if the mood strikes you). No fighting. Be nice. Tip your bartenders. Don't judge. But mostly, bring it on - anything goes!

3) In Bed? I'm with those other twat waffles that anything that leaves a welt is out for me... I don't share or play well with others. I'd freak out if someone tried to gag me (and not just because I talk too much). If you attempt to choke me I will kick you in the nuts and go kung foo on your ass. There's a LOT of stuff that I haven't tried given my taste in fanfic... Just because I like to read about it doesn't mean I want to go to there! That said, I'm with LKW and am considering the laser-removal of my "Exit Only" tattoo. Just in case...

***********************************And more from Hypo Vag...

I hear you're all "best friends forever" (or until this post goes up, as the case may be). How nice for you. Really.

What are a few of the things you've sworn never to out each other about (on the blog, IRL, at bible study)? Note that I am assuming bible study requires a separate category than IRL.

Latchkey Wife:

Well, actually… JJ and STY are BFFs and knew each other long before I weaseled my way into this equation. And come to think about it, they’ve never sworn not to out me about anything… fuck me. This sounds like blackmail fodder to me. Oh gawd, I hope they never meet Mr. Latchkey Wife. All fucking hell will break loose!! Jeezus fuck I hope I never do anything to piss them off enough to spill all my sordid bloggy secrets to the hubs. We’re talking D-vorce!

Jenny Jerkface:

Well, it's true that STY and I have known each other for quite some time. We've pretty much been partners in crime since that first day I saw her lurking in the corner at a party, silently judging everyone and like Alice, I just knew we'd be the best of (albeit bitchy) friends.

Honestly, I don't have too much on STY -- if she's a serial killer or something she keeps that on the DL. Now, she does have a thing or two on me but I'm confident that she won't use it. Rumor has it I'm temperamental...

Oh, and Latchkey, before I forget -- do you play the lottery? You might want to so you can afford the blackmail money I'm going to request shortly after Foooorks. And trust me when I say I have evidence stockpiled.

Snarkier Than You:

Given that Mr. LKW is in the dark about his wife's bloggy, RPatts-lusting ways, we DO have quite a bit we could out her on... However, we happen to know that she lives in a heavily armed fortress and would sic her hell-hound on us if we ever showed up on her doorstep with the intention of spilling the beans (yeah, I know, she says that her dog George spends his days in doggy daycare, be I happen to suspect that he's really in attack-dog commando training. Release the hounds!!!

Grrrrrr... I am vicious and I will rip your face off!

************************************

And lastly, the cream of the crop from Hypo Va-jay-jay...

All three of you have made it to FFFOOOORRRRRRKKKKKSSSSSS with apx. 50 Twitards in tow. The three of you are camped out in a hotel room getting ready for the day's adventures. A mysterious letter and package is delivered. The letter is from Rob's management. As it turns out, Rob doesn't know anything about Twitarded, but has learned that there are 50 adult fans partying in Forks. He has graciously offered to spend 30 minutes with his fans later this afternoon. You are offered the choice of:

STY and LKW begin a highly philosophical discussion about this sudden moral and ethical dilemma. JJ scizzors the mysterious package securely between her thighs and frantically gnaws it open with her teeth. Oh the dazzlement! It contains the Stoli, the beanie and the sexpenders. An enclosed note says Rob has heard his fans might enjoy having them, but you are prohibited from selling them or putting them up for charity.

Maybe if I don't make eye contact they won't notice me, maybe if I don't make eye contact they...

No one knows anything about this but the three of you. WHAT DO YOU DO?

Latchkey Wife:

My choice – 1 30 minute meeting for up to 3 fans.

But I am definitely NOT the right person to be answering this question. I’m a selfish little bitch who would like RPattz all to herself! So what would I do… well, that’s easy! As soon as the package is opened, I would immediately tie JJ and STY up with the sexpenders, cut the beanie in two and fashion blindfolds for each, then I would strip naked and dress myself in nothing but the Stoli shirt, awaiting my chance to seduce Rob for the whole 30 minutes – all for me. Me me me me me! Sorry guys…the truth comes out. I’m truly a selfish whore. Please don’t hate me, or upper decker me in Forks. [I’m looking at you, JJ!]

Jenny Jerkface:

I'm going to make no bones about - I'm a selfish twat. I'd totally choose the one thirty-minute session for up to three fans. Naturally, the other two fans would be LKW and STY, who I'm sure are going to make a beeline to the bathroom to freshen themselves up. In the meantime, I'll barricade them in, pay the motel dude whatever spending money they have stashed in their purses for another room and meet RPattz there... wearing nothing but the stoli shirt and beanie. I figure he could find a way to incorporate the sexpenders into our, ahem, "meetup".

Snarkier Than You:

Wow what total evil twats the both of you are!!! I swear I just read through every combination in the Creative Cursing book and nothing sounded dirty enough to sufficiently express my indignity. I would go for the 10-minute meeting with 50 fans. That way we could have a crowd of chicks to block the doors and deal with assorted security dudes, PR flacks, and Manager Nick while we have our way a nice, polite conversation with RPatts. Dibs on first uhhh "chat..." - and the Stoli shirt, sexspenders, and beanie are MINE. I like souvenirs - what can I say?

Well, there you have it! The first installment of Twitarded Tells All! Hope you've enjoyed the ride. Ask us more questions please... we love it! Remember - twitarded@gmail.com, and title your email "Ask Twitarded."

Once again, I am beholden to Urban Dictionary in interpreting this post. At 44, I'm a dirty hOOr, but I still have to keep current. Oh - and definitely, I recommend you all lose the "exit only" tattoo. Untold delights await you, my lovelies!

First of all - GREAT fucking questions HypoVag!!! You always crack me up!

And TwitardedH00rs - HOLY SHIT!!! As one of the 50 who wouldn't be included in LKW's or JJ's little par-tay, I know who I'll be buying the first shot for - The Ever-Compassionate-and-Sharing.. STY!!!!!!!!!!

I love you all more with each post! The honesty you answer with is both scary and indearing!

That was seriously funny shit and Hypoallergenic Vagina is now my hero ~ fucktastic questions!

Love the Hard limits ~ or lack there of any!!I'd have to say I'm right there with you all ~ except the tatts...I want a twi inspired one ~ nothing that screams "I love Twilight" more like something that only a twitard would get the reference.

@ Twitarded Mom ~ Cheers baby! I sooo wanted to do the same thing when I was reading that... but have thus far chickened out. I need someone to hold my hand through that!!Any northern NYers around here?

I'm sorry..I think I love you a tad less after that last answer! How could you LKW and JJ! STY had a fantastic plan, she's now my favorite btw! :)And I WOULD find out about the contents of the mystery box and there may be a scuffle...You should know I'm just under 6' tall and not a skinny bitch..The beanie is mine...I MIGHT accept the Stoli though.

As far as tats - I just got a new one (#3) and love it. I tried to trick the besties w/ a fake Cullen crest..no one was shocked that I "got" it! WTH! I love me some Twi, but really? Now if I could find just the right one, I'd get a twi tat! But not the crest!

Shiiiit. I know I love me some HypoVag, but this Q/A just about seals the deal. I feel like HV knows something we don't know...and that's why she's being cryptic as fuck about FOORRRKKKSS!! Like she IS Spunk's stylist or publicist or some shit, and she's just testing the water to see how easy it would be for y'all to fuck the other over in order to get some time w The Precious. I'm on to you, HypoIalreadyhavethestolishirtsexspendersandbeanieVag.

As for your answers...WTF?? Am I the only one around here who loves the buttsecks? Jesus...Some of your hard limits are pretty malleable. You're not THAT old! Take a note from Twimom, sometimes it just takes the right fic with well-written scenes on shit that you're not sure about. Hello? That's how I got the bf to break into his mom's school to fuck in the bio lab! AND why I got my pretty blue suede riding crop...

vw: resit

Idk why yous guys resit the awesomeness that is buttsecks. Take a deep breath, baby. Just feel.

Hypovag- You fucking rawked those questions! ..James Lipton and Baba Wawa have nothing on you! bwahahaha

OMFG y'all made me laugh so damn hard with your answers!

I gotta say, I'd def go the way of LKW and JJ. Hmm guess that makes me a selfish h00r too *shrugs*

STY is def the angel of this trio, but then I already suspected that ;) As for you, LKW and JJ.. afraid your hand baskets are ready and decorated.

STY, your plan may just work. Although, I suspect Rob might have some sort of panic attack. So here's the plan: Get him all snockered happy drunk (on Stoli?), make sure he has an infinite supply of cigs, and maybe someone could I dunno give him a back massage? -(gee I don't know who'd want to THAT!) After he's all 'relaxed,' then the Twitard brigade could strike... Srsly, the burliest of security guards don't stand a chance, I'm sure.

Yeah, I'm with the rest who cannot believe you two whores, JJ and LKW would keep Rob to yourselves like that... but then again, that was to be expected, as was that STY would totally be the good guy here.

I often wonder what the hell you're doing here STY, you're too good for those two hos, LoL. JK, of course.

Anyone who takes any of my comments seriously should reconsider their sanity.

I can't believe STY, she's such a brown noser... trying to be the better one by saying she'd share RPattz. She's such a lying sack of shit. Come one, Snarkier - you knoooooooow you'd be just like us and keep him all for your self!! You're just trying to get free drinks in Foooooooorrrrrrkkkkksssss!

Wow, I see sharing is not a problem around here! LOL What would my mornings be without a healthy dose of Twitarded? You're all awesome, demented, but awesome.

I have tats, no piercings, not even my ears. Currently contemplating my next ink. I would get a twi-tat but I'm with others, it'd have to be something only twihards would get, something like this would be cool:http://media.photobucket.com/image/twilight%20tattoos/greeneyes2587/tattoo3.jpg

And Happy Birthday to the precious!! I made you cake, here, let me feed it to you. http://linzmaz.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451ca6a69e201156f8f2d83970b-800wi

I have a tat on my back, but it's not twilight-related. I also got my cartilage pierced the second I turned 18 - my mother wouldn't let me get it, even though it was a relatively harmless ear piercing, so as soon as I could do it without her permission, I did it just to piss her off. Haha, I didn't tell her, but when she finally saw it, she just said "Hmm... cute." Ha! Fooorkspimp 1, Mommy FP 0!

Of course, when I forgot to put it back in about 2 years later, it closed up.

I do love you twats. I woke up feeling so crappy this morning. Now I've laughed myself silly.

Ok, I'm kinda (twat)waffling between LKW & JJ & STY. I mean really. Lets be honest. Who can honestly say they would share Rob with 50 other women especially if there were only 30 minutes to be had!! HOWEVER, I do appreciate STY's willingness to spread the precious around to the less fortunate (smooch, smooch!!)

I've got two tats and all my piercings are ear-related, but I see fooorrrkkss related tats in our future ladies!!!! Come on, you know you want to!!

Hypovag- What will it take to get you to Forks!?! I think your hilarious ass definitely needs to be there!

Am I the only one who read this, “If anyone hears me utter the word “turpentine,” please smack me" and immediately heard the Peewee’s Playhouse theme song in my head? I'm having an Alice moment and foreseeing everyone competing to see who can get LKW to say turpentine the most times!

firstly, i want to thank you for the fuck hot pic of the blonde smoking. there are too many things i could say about exactly what that picture is doing to me, so instead i think i'll move on with my first ever: kthnxbai :)

@TwitardedMom- good for you! isn't it great when the inspiration strikes and you go out and do something spontaneous and crazy to remind yourself you're alive and as such can still go out and do things that are spontaneous and crazy?

@JJ- that is awesome about the belly button pierce. it sounds like a badge of honor at this point. "that's right i went THROUGH that shit..." since i now know your amber weakness, i'll have to coax you to show it off one night after about...6? no, 7. yup. 7's the lucky # here." Think about it. Seven doors. Seven-Eleven. Seven. Seven little chipmunks twirling on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' of gorgonzola when it's clearly bree time baby. Step into my office...cuz you're fuckin' fired!

@HV- i am astounded by your mind and personality. i am impressed more and more each time i read something you write. it is ALWAYS a pleasure. :)

@LKW&STY- nice to know that you're ready for some laser removal. sometimes the labels we give ourselves outlast their intended purpose and stop reflecting our reality... and when that happens you all you need is some gasoline, a match, and a willingness to just let that fucker burn.

@All 3- has the police department been contacted to see if their fascilities are large enough for all of us? it might be worth looking into. because i have a new saying i am fond of...

"What happens in FFFFOOORRRKKKSSS!!!!...

is going to be fucking awesome! and probably land my ass in jail or the free clinic"

just sayin'

@LKW- new email (short this time, i promise!) re: Mr.LKW coming your way soon... watch for it.

thanks again for yet another reminder of why this is the greatest "place" on earth.

LMAO!!! I'm too nice, I totally would have gone the STY route with the last question...but I'd be there with a giant pet carrier afterwards and a special terrarium fully stocked with booze, cigarettes and hot pockets at home right next to my bearded dragon's one. That's right bitches, I'm takin him home ;P

Well done to everyone who brave enough to get tatts and piercings. I don't have any tatts...yet. I do have my earlobes done twice, a helix ring, a tragus stud and studs in my nose, lip and tongue. I'm seriously considering getting my nipples done, and if that goes okay, maybe the clit. Just maybe. You rock TwitardedMom!

@STY - RPattz will be impressed with your generosity and make it up to you afteward.

I've been threatening to get a tat since birthday #40 but keep coming up with excuses (It's expensive! I won't be able to donate blood for 6 months! I can't find a design I like!) Yea, I'm chicken. But I will succumb eventually and won't have to worry about that "old age sagging" cause I'm already there.

I have been dying for a tattoo! The short-sighted, literally Twitarded part of me wants it to be Twi-related but I can't figure out to do that subtly. And then I have guilt that if I'm going to put something on my body permanently, shouldn't it be something more important than Twilight (if that exists!) like Mr. XKR's name. A big birthday is not far off and I may pop the tattoo cherry then. Any advice on just tattooing something fun instead of super-deep and meaningful?

Also, have always wanted my eyebrow or lip pierced. Pretty sure that my colleagues and customers would not be thrilled, so I'm saving this stuff for when I retire. I'll be the 65yo woman who finally busts loose. "Kids, come check out Grandma's new ink!"

@HV - ok maybe we could have spaced them out but they were ALL SO FUNNY how could we pick just one???

aaaand JJ and I are still trying to figure out how you've been spying on us... because clearly you have seen what happens when I show up at JJ's place with a package from the Twitarded PO box - it goes down EXACTLY as you described:

JJ scizzors the mysterious package securely between her thighs and frantically gnaws it open with her teeth.

@Twitarded Mom - Holy Fucking Hell! YOU. ARE. MY. HERO!!!! I bow before your awesome-ness! I wanna' be YOU! Now you've gotta' give us some details! We need specifics:- how did you talk TwiDad into it?- how did you find someone to do the piercing?- how skeevy was it to have someone all up in your hoo-ha when you got it done?- how bad did it hurt?- how good does it feel now?- and how do the hubs barbells feel when you're doing the nasty?- and how long were you both out of commission waiting for them to heal?

Enquiring minds want to know! These questions have been burning my brain ever since I read CW&IA, but I don't know anyone in RL who can answer them. Please throw me a bone here!

OK. I gotta' go watch Ophrah on the DVR. But getting my questions in for Twitarded Mom was a higher priority!

I commented this morning, but apparently blogger ate the comment. That's OK, couldn't bring myself to say buttsekks at the office. Trust me buttsekks can be great if you do it right. For those who want to know the details, just read what hunterhunting published this week. A special buttsekks outtake from CW&IA. Soooooo hot. Even the Mr read and enjoyed it.

Ginny- Go for it. Hurts, but only for a second. The result lasts for years.

Mr Pants- You nailed it. I was proving I was still crazy & alive. Piercing was day after my doctor said I'd hit menopause. Fuck you, menopause.

TheRugbymom- I'm not related to anyone at Twitarded, just a Mom that loves Twitarded. Visit me at http://spooninginforks.blogspot.com to ask all the questions you want.

The Mr talked me into it. Having him leer at me like he used to 15 years ago made me loose my head. He found a VERY clean, piercing business. It was very professional, like a nurse with a medical procedure. I have a very low pain tolerance, so it hurt like hell -- for about two seconds. We were out of commission for a week, gave it a try & decided to wait another week. This should be a fun weekend if we weren't sharing a hotel room with a 10 year old. LOL BTW - The barbells make riding his motorcycle much, much more fun.

@My after car is an XKR - haha, you go girl, I would love to be the grandma like "Check out my sweet piercings, kids!"

As far as tattoos go, I only have the one, but once I got the idea for it, I drew it and kept it in my purse or pocket for at least three months. If you keep it with you long enough and don't get tired of it, then go with it!

Hey babes...sorry I'm late to this party! I had to comment on the way jj and sty met each other. It cracked me up, because I too would be in the corner of a party silently judging with my accidental bitch face on (no joke...I'm always asked if I'm mad when I'm not, which means my face must be permanently pressed in a "fuck you" face) and I met my bestest of friends through the years because they were the few brave enough to walk over and say hi. Once they met me, though...they discovered there was nothing to be scared of, and now I had partners in the judging corner of the party. FOORKS!!!!!!!!

OK no joke, kiddos - I just had a dream this morning that a girl I went to camp with growing up revealed herself to be the one and only HypoVag. My response was "No WAY she's HypoVag. She's not NEARLY cool enough to be HypoVag."

I've always wanted to pierce my eyebrow and nose, but I've been much too chicken because of the pain... I probably should right now because I've been significantly braver since I've been listening to all you sick fucks... maybe If I make it to Forks!

Hard limits... well... I'm pretty much as innocent as they come... I wasn't even sure what "hard limits" were until I started reading the responses... I learn so much from you guys! I love it!

@HypoVag: You fucking rule!!! I LOVE those questions... it brings out everyone's true nature when faced with 10 minute with the precious... BTW: I'm still looking for a FFOOOORRRRKKKSSS, roomie... if you are looking for an apprentice to your evil ways I am a quick learner!

@STY: you're a genius! We all know 50+ seriously deranged fans defeating security and dominating RPatz is the only way anyone will get to spend real "quality" time with him... kudos! Although I think you might have to be prepared to fight the twitards yourself for 1st dibs.

Obsessed with Twilight? Think you're too old for this? You've come to the right place!

We are a bunch of over-thirty *cough*andforty*cough* chicks who never really meant to fall in love with Twilight... but somehow we did. Hard. Inexplicably, we've still got a lot to say about it. And other stuff. Join us!