Bubble-wrapping children doesn’t work. They need to experience mild adversity to know how to overcome it when they inevitably face it in life. Here are five tips to promote resilience in your kids.

22 March 2019Nicole Racine and Sheri Madigan, University of Calgary0 Comment

Teach your kids that when they fall, they should get right back up again. (iStock)

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The college cheating scandal that recently made headlines makes you wonder just how far parents are willing to go to ensure their children succeed in life. But sheltering your kids and doing everything for them will hinder and not help their development.

Parenting trends that protect children from negative experiences and failure are far from new. The concept of "helicopter parenting" emerged in the 1980s to describe overly anxious parents who hover over their children to keep them safe.

A second parenting trend called "intensive parenting" was later coined to describe overly invested parents who spend unprecedented amounts of time and money on their children’s activities and well-being — to ensure they have the best start in life.

More recently, "snowplow" or "bulldozer" parenting describes parents who are hyper-focused on their child’s future and will do anything to eliminate barriers to their children’s success, much like the allegations against parents in the U.S. college entrance scandal.

Ultimately, the goal of these parenting styles is to reduce a child’s exposure to hurt, distress, failure or a difficult life experience. But in the end, does this help or hinder kids? If they don’t experience adversity, how will they ever know how to overcome it when they inevitably face it in life?

When kids fail, it builds confidence

Resilience has been defined as the ability to bounce back from life challenges or difficulties and is a characteristic that is learned and fostered over time. By definition, then, a child needs to experience adversity to learn to overcome it.

Children rely on supportive relationships and experiences within their families, schools and communities to help them develop the necessary skills to successfully navigate minor challenges and problems. When these are present, overcoming challenges or “bouncing back” is easier to do.

The types of adversity children can experience vary from mild to severe. For children, mild forms of adversity can include going to a new school or camp or meeting new people. Moderate stress can include more serious events, such as natural disasters or losing a loved one. Severe stress or toxic stress includes abuse and neglect.

But what about small, everyday difficulties like losing a game, failing at an activity, doing poorly on a test or struggling to learn something new? These are the types of stresses that we need to allow our children to experience, and with our help, learn to overcome. Research shows this builds up their ability to be resilient.

Tips for promoting resilience in children

Foster a loving and positive relationship with your child, one where they feel safe to reach out to you when they need help rather than trying to tackle a problem alone.

Help your child develop other relationships in their families and communities that are supportive and caring. Healthy relationships with extended family, neighbours, coaches, teachers and friends can help buffer the child from mild, moderate and severe forms of adversity.

Model and support problem-solving. Our first instinct is often to jump in to resolve or fix our child’s problem. Instead, try to step back, focus on the process and help your child find a few solutions to their problem. Get them to pick what they think is the best solution, and then once they implement it, ask them how they think it went and what they might do differently next time.

Encourage children to participate in extra-curricular activities that take them out of their comfort zone, or involve the development of a new skill. This is mildly stressful for children but gives them an opportunity to try something new and learn from the experience, while being supported in the process.

Help your child to develop confidence by praising them honestly for hard work and persistence. Reward the process, not the outcome.