I don't want to mark my 10,000th post on this magnificent site arguing about Brexit, or contemplating how piss poor our side is. I certainly don't want to spend it discussing the shysters who have ruined this club.

I want to spend it in the snug having a laugh. Over the years I have read some incredibly funny stuff on here, from tales of depravity to explanations as to why posters have cocks that can shag round corners.

Of course you can't just create a snug classic, but I shall throw out some ingredients and see what we can cook. So here is the opportunity to let us know a few of your own milestones.

1) I’m a lover not a fighter. Lot’s of arguments and wrestling with my older brother, but never any fisticuffs. My first kick off was with my best mate fishing. We were throwing stuff at each other and it got out of hand. All of a sudden he lost it and went for me windmills spinning. I surprised myself by dodging the onslaught, getting him into a headlock and pinning him to the ground.

Verdict. Win by submission

2) I started seeing this girl who was clearly a bit more experienced than me. First attempt was a bit of a disaster ruined by nerves, but second time after a few drinks all went well and we did it on my sofa at home. Laying out of breath on top of her, she’s telling me how good it was, my ego bouncing off the walls, all of a sudden there a banging at my French windows and she’s screaming over my shoulder. Turn round and my two mates had followed us home from the party and watched it all through the windows. They are now pissing themselves with laughter.

3) I managed to fall backwards out my loft aged about 5. Broke my arm but very lucky not to have been killed. Scared the **** out of my dad.

4) Gants Hill roundabout in my Cortina. Rubbernecking at some fit girls and went into the back of someone. Utterly humiliating.

5) I remember very little from my junior school apart from an over the head catch running backwards in softball to take a real skyer. The whole class ran from all over the field to mob me. Was wonderful.

1) Only serious fight I've had as an adult was a competition submission fight about 10 or 11 years ago. I got some bad advice from my instructor just before I went on the mat - he told me to let the guy come at me first, then react from there, even though I'd always been proactive and had been the first to land the hit. So the ref called to fight, I let the other guy engage first, which led to me folding my right foot under my leg, snapping my tendon. We grappled for a bit, hit a stalemate, then got restarted. We went again, by now my mobility was a bit shot, so he got full mount which should have been a winning position. But he dithered, I trapped his foot, and swept him, went to chest/chest side control and put him in a figure-4 armlock. Basic stuff, but got me the W. I was grinning for about a week after that.

2) None of your damn business.

3) Broken elbow falling down the stairs as an 11 year old. That hurt like an absolute b*stard and put me in a full arm cast for a fortnight.

4) 4 days after I got my first car (a VW polo), I decided to drive to London to see a mate. I set off in poor weather feeling a bit apprehensive, then after a few miles, I decided to pull over because I felt like the car was badly set for a wet drive. I tidied everything off the dash & console, put my bags in the boot, properly demisted the car and made sure I felt comfortable and had the best visibility I could. Then I pulled back onto the main road and hit the first thing in front of me - a people carrier with a caravan towbar. I couldn't have been doing more than 15mph or so, so no real damage to their motor and a messy looking front bumper on mine. Got out of the car to exchange details, to hear the sound of a baby screaming. Turned out that the driver of that motor was the foster parent of a brain-damaged baby that was being brought back from hospital for the first time. That was a sobering experience and it took a while to stop feeling rattled by it.

5) I was only interested in noncompetitive, individual sports as a kid - skateboarding, skiing, windsurfing and the like. But the first time I cleanly landed a kickflip on a skateboard was a moment I will never forget, and I'm not sure has been beaten by anything else I've done as an "athlete" or in sport.

A "Pretend" fight with a mate at school that inevitably got out of hand with him ending up with a broken nose and my knuckles swallon beyond recognition, he went to the nurses' office to get looked at, I went to my next class, next thing the head master walked in asking to see my knuckles, and how they had managed to end up like they were "shut them in the door sir" That's funny he said as i have a mate of yours with a broken nose claiming he walked into a door. Anyway some weasel had grassed us up, and we were suspended for a week for fighting.

2) Your first shag

A romantic drunken fumble in the park up against the rugby posts. Magic

3) Your first serious injury

I must have been about 8 at the time, but we booby trapping our base/den digging holes and using old bits of lightweight tube as spikes and then covering up the holes with foliage (savages!?!) I was in the middle of hitting a length of tube on the ground to break it, when it suddenly broke and lodged itself in my forehead right in between my eyebrows The gash was so big I could get 2 fingers in it (giggiddy) and touch my skull. Still got the scar.

4) Your first car accident

Took a day off (Bunked off) on my mates 15th, so we could take his dad MK2 Escort out down the lanes (my mate drove), ended up crashing into an on coming vehicle, and regrettably my mate drove off from the scene, little to no damage to the Escort but the modern (at the time) people carrier we hit was ****ed. The Old Bill eventually caught up with him, can't remember the punishment he got but it was minimal, due to his age. I remember we got back to his and started hacking at a tree in his front yard near to where the car was kept, the idea was to pretend he was reversing it and driving forward and crashed into the tree, needless to say his old man saw straight through that story.

5) Your first memory of sporting glory

Won numerous cups and leagues at youth level, but scoring a hatrick on my senior debut was one of my fondest memories.

Last edited by somerset-hammer on Wed Mar 28, 2018 12:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Never really had a full on fight, playground scraps in my teens and disagreements with my brother which once led to him throwing a punch and me putting my hands up to block him........resulted him punching my finger and breaking it and to this day I still have a bent finger.

2) Your first shag

Late bloomer, 19 years old. I was always a nervous teen with anxiety issues but met an older girl on Twitter who turned out to be a nutcase, but she took a liking to me. Came at me with a knife once and lied to police which resulted in me getting arrested and thrown in a cell overnight. Only for her to then come clean to the police the next day, she got off with a slap on the wrist and I get an apology.

3) Your first serious injury

7 years old, brother hit me round the head with a golf club, cracking my skull. Still remember it to this day, my mum screaming for an ambulance, white tea towel wrapped around my head soaked in blood. Asking my mum if I was going to die and instead of just lying and saying no she replies 'I don't know' cheers mum. Ended up in hospital for weeks being monitored for brain damage, apparently I don't have it but I question that sometimes

4) Your first car accident

The night we beat Man Utd 4-0 at home in the snow! First car, on my way to pick my sister up from school to then drive to the game but on the way I took a corner to fast and did a 360 into a telegraph pole. Worst day ever mainly because I missed the game.

5) Your first memory of sporting glory

Being asked to join West Ham's academy as a youth, always thought I would make it. Then I ruptured my PCL at 14 and was never the same. Got released and still 11 years later I can't even run at full pace or fix my hyperextension. I've ruptured my ACL too (last year) and still struggling to recover.

1) Quite a lot of playground fights. The first serious one resulted in my parents being asked to remove me from the City of London school. As a first former, I was being bullied by a kid in the fourth form and, after a couple of weeks, I just lost it. Kicked him in the balls, tripped him over and was gleefully sticking the boot in when a teacher arrived.

2) A nice Catholic girl from the Sacred Heart school when I was in the lower sixth.

3) Despite a fairly suicidal disregard for my own safety, I was fifteen before I had my jaw broken although I'd had my nose bent a couple of times before that.

4) Only had one: a deer jumped out in front of my car three years ago. Wrote the car off and didn't do the deer a lot of good either.

5) My third road race as a junior. The race began on the outskirts of Warwick and finished up with a climb up Edge Hill. About half way up, I realized that there were only half a dozen other riders with me and I still had another gear left. I went full gas and nobody followed. Still took me another year or so to realize that the only races I'd ever win were those that went uphill though.

1) Your first physical fightFar too many in junior school to remember which one was first. My brother who is 2 years my junior, was constantly getting into scrapes with groups of kids from the year above him, so I was constantly getting dragged into those scrapes.

My favourite one was when I was about 8 or 9, and a group of about 5 of them cornered my brother at lunchtime and gave him a few digs, so in the afternoon I rounded up a few mates and we responded in kind to the ringleader after school.

Yep, there's nothing as satisfying as a gang of you beating up an 8 year old.

2) Your first shagYour mum

3) Your first serious injury Broke my ankle aged 14 playing football in the back garden with my brother. It was getting dark, we could barely see and the grass was getting long. I miss kicked the ball and kicked the grass, rolling my ankle. It was only a hareline fracture, so there was no protruding bone and little swelling so my mum didn't believe me that it was broken, and made me hop around the house for two days before she accepted it was broke and took me to A&E.

On the day I passed my test. I jumped straight into the car and went to my mates house, whose parents were away. Everyone piled straight into the back for a jaunt to the shop. I promptly reversed out of his front garden, and scraped the wheel arch of my brand shiny new 1.3i mark 5 Fiesta on his wall.

As to proper accidents, I've had a few, but I think the first one was when racing my mate around the ring road in Romford. He was in front, he broke at the roundabout when I thought he was going to go, and I went into the back of him. The damage was minimal - I didn't really hit him hard - and really just ended up with the bracket on the front grille broken. The best bit though was when my parents spotted it after the car had been into Fords for a service. Teenage me denied all knowledge, so my parents took the car back to Allen Fords and had a row with the Service staff, before my later confession.

My favourite accident though happened when I was going about 2mph. Stuck in traffic and bored, I decided to roll a spliff while I waited. When the traffic rolled forwards slowly, I rolled along on the clutch and carried on rolling my joint, but didn't notice the car in front stop. I had to pay for their new bumper in cash, which was about £500 as I recall.

5) Your first memory of sporting gloryI'm a West Ham fan I've never had any.

Actually that's wrong above, my first serious injury was aged 4. It was the evening in the summer, my mum was at work and my dad was "watching" us. My brother and I were chasing each other around. Through the house, out through the patio doors, back in through the kitchen and around again. Cue my dads half arsed attempt at stopping us - "Pack it in before one of you trips and cracks your head open on the door step". Cue me immediately tripping over and cracking my head open on the door step.

A great gash above my eye, lots of blood, my mum coming home from work early and a trip to the hospital for stitches was the result. I've still got the scar now. I like to tell women I was stabbed when I've had a drink.

2) Your first shagHoliday Club Pontinental, Cala Mesquida, Majorca. Ann Barrett from Stockport. She cried a lot afterwards, and I took that as a good thing.

3) Your first serious injuryNone. Still handsome, top to toe, my mum says.

4) Your first car accidentIn my days as a cub sales rep, I was gunning my Mondeo 1.6L in the outside lane of the M23, exchanging vanker signs with a bloke in a Merc. He cut me up, and I stamped on the brakes, bounced into the central reservation and ended up pointing in the wrong direction. Worse of all, I made a wee wee in my Prince of Wales double breasted Next suit.

5) Your first memory of sporting gloryI went for trials with an Under 12s park team (I was 23 at the time) and a scout from Crawley Town asked if I wanted to join them instead. I've checked, by the way, and Barry Bennell never worked for Crawley.

1) Your first physical fightPlayground, aged 9'ish, playing football. I got caught around the chops with a stray elbow, and in trying to demonstrate that it wasn't acceptable to my opponent I ended up snotting him - not fully intentional, but it resulted in a quick and apologetic fist fight

2) Your first shagAhh, very happy memories of one of my early girlfriends. We had been seeing each other for a few quite a few months and had worked our way up from kissing stage by stage, experimenting and discovering all the way. I was probably 16.

Edit: In fact this was so long ago, she may well be someone's Mum.

3) Your first serious injury Never really had anything more serious than a broken wrist or torn ligaments. My first was when I shut my finger in the front door and lost the nail when I was 8

4) Your first car accidentA414, Watford bypass, before the M25 was finished. Some numpty entered the dual carriageway from the right hand side and I stacked into him in my mother's Vauxhall Nova

5) Your first memory of sporting gloryI won some swimming trophies when I was a teenager, the first of these was the 100m butterfly in our club's championships when I was 13.

17, a girl from school. She had seen a lot of cock snot in her time. For some reason I thought her foof was going to be under her belly button. To this day, I have no idea why, I had watched numerous bits of adult material, but for whatever reason, when she got undressed, I thought she had something wrong with her.

3) Your first serious injury

Split my lip, lost a tooth, and got a lovely scar under my nose in one incident around the age of 7. Playing football at a mates house in the dark. Went to take a penalty and ran into the back of a trailer. Ran into the house to my Mum, her friend told her to ring an ambulance, she took one look at me and fainted.

4) Your first car accident

Was late to a Christening in the middle of winter, took a corner too quickly and hit black ice. Skidded back and forth before going through a fence, and into a farmers field. Worst thing is, got a mate to pick me up, went to the Christening, had a few beers before heading back. My old man went ape ****, which looking back at it now was quite understandable.

1) Your first physical fightabout 13, egged on by my mates I started on a kid in the year below, who then kicked the **** out of me.

2) Your first shagVirgin.

3) Your first serious injury Broke my hand when falling off a kids roundabout in the park.

4) Your first car accidentPulled over in a mkIV Cortina onto a grass verge whilst I crept around the corner slowly in it to see if the copper was still parked up the road. There was a massive manhole cover sticking up in the grass I didn't see. Ripped the sump off.

1) Your first physical fight - With a classmate that shoved my younger brother to the ground at recess. Ended the fight with a knee to his forehead. Unorthodox, but it worked

2) Your first shag - With a co-worker. Working for a construction firm. I was 16, she was 18. Was left at a house with her to clean up. One thing led to another.

3) Your first serious injury - I suppose a broken foot at age 17. Not too serious in the scheme of things, but it did derail my budding ice hockey career.

4) Your first car accident - With me as the driver? Believe it or not, I rear ended a car full of nuns. They forgave me.

5) Your first memory of sporting glory - I started supporting teams at age 5. First moment of glory was at age 10 - West Ham 2 v 0 Fulham. Personal sporting glory, winning little league baseball in the championship game against my brother's team. I was playing 3rd base and he hit the ball to me on all 3 of his at bats, and I threw him out at first all 3 times. Double the glory. Even now 42 years later.

3) Your first serious injury : aged 10 going downhill on a pair of rollerskates, can't remember why but I had a long stick in my hand which i managed to jam between the front right wheels, cracked knee , claret everywhere

4) Your first car accident: Running late and lost in Reading , floored my Mk2 Escort around a roundabout straight into the back of an unmarked old bill car that was at a set of red lights

5) Your first memory of sporting glory : 2nd, Judo, Hampshire region, when I was 8 , never reached those dizzy heights again

1) Your first physical fightUsed to scrap a lot with my brother but that was just play fighting. First real fisticuffs was over a game of Subbuteo with a Spuds supporting neighbour - I hit him hard on the nose which resulted in future Subbuteo matches being played on a pitch with huge claret stains over one of the penalty areas.

2) Your first shagV drunk. Lasted about a minute before I passed out and finished the job off the next morning.

3) Your first serious injuryNone really. Front tooth knocked out a couple of times. The only time I've had to go into hospital was when I got an infected blister on my heel which resulted in a huge balloon of pus and an ankle which swole up to the size of a melon. A night on the sauce probably didn't help but at the hospital the doc lanced the blister and what felt like a river of yellow poison gushed out.

4) Your first car accidentI stopped in my cherished Golf at a railway bridge as a bus was coming through the other way. The Mondeo driver behind me didn't see me stop and crashed into the back of me. He was very apologetic and following a beer in the pub opposite, agreed to pay me for any repairs plus something for the inconvenience, which he did ... he wasn't insured but the Rozzers caught up with him and he got banned for 12 months.

5) Your first memory of sporting gloryAge 7 at junior school - played in goal in a 5 aside tournament. We won the tournament in which I played in goal and didn't let in a goal in any of the 6 games. Downhill since then though!!!

1) Your first physical fightAt Junior school I accidentally ran right into the hardest kid in school. He punched me, so I punched him back. We traded blows until I ended up having to go see the school nurse. I lost the fight but got a lot of respect for standing up for myself, especially from the hard kid himself.

2) Your first shagHer name was Sandra, she was 14 I was 15, Mum & Dad were out so we did more than just fiddling with each others bits. It wasn't exactly spectacular and she bled all over my bed. Shortly after I met Mandy, Mandy was the same age as Sandra but she was already very experienced at knowing what went where etc. She taught me what I needed to know.

3) Your first serious injury Nothing has been snapped or fallen off yet, touch wood.

4) Your first car accidentFirst bad one was when I was 16, a doris in a mini pulled out on my. Me and my vespa 50 went over the top. I was fine but my scooter was ****ed.

5) Your first memory of sporting gloryI vaguely remember West Ham beating Fulham in the up final. On a personal level I won the junior table tennis at Pontins.