Remembering Malou Amelia

Has anyone noticed
in at least two posts
(which I’ve now corrected)
that I mis-wrote how many months it has been since
Malou
was born and died?

I woke up in the middle of the night
and realized with a start
what I had done.

I thought,
did people notice but not tell me,
and just thought I was a bad mama
who forgot when her daughter was born and died?

Fortunately,
I don’t feel any judgment here on my blog 😉
but just letting you know
that I’ve corrected the error.

For some reason,
I was counting the months since May
and then just adding 1 year.

Which to me,
evidently meant 10 months. ?!

But yes, even though I sometimes live in my own world,
I do acknowledge that a year contains 12 months.

It got me thinking…

I don’t think about how many
days or weeks or months or years
Malou
has been gone.

I used to.

I’m not exactly sure when that changed,
but now I have to count.

To me,
it feels like she was just here
a minute ago.

The sharp, stabbing pain of loss
doesn’t feel like it was a minute ago,
thankfully.
It generally is a bit more gentle with me now
(not everyday, but most days).

But
Malou?
Why, she was just here.
I was just holding her in my arms.
I can still feel her her soft skin
and silky hair.

I don’t need to think hard
to remember that.
Because it was just a minute ago.

Oh, my sweet girl. I hope I never forget the weight of you in my arms, the scent of your skin, the touch of your hand. I remember everything about you and although there is so much more I long to know about you, I feel like we grow closer every day. I love you always.