EVASIVE AQUARIUS...

The Jittery Journeys of March 2004

I salute you, airhead imbeciles! And I welcome you to yet another month of the vile and bitter prognostications. This time they shall be for morbid March!

Last time we left you negotiating with irate prisoners who wanted a cut of the action from your secret documentary on prison life and the reality series that followed therefrom. Because you find violence abhorrent, especially when it is enacted on your person, you offer your fellow inmates a 'profit share' on this overnight sensation you have devised and put to air. This soon extends to the guards and a few prison authorities. Jolly Jupiter and mischievous Mercury cavort in unseemly fashion as the Full Moon comes in unspeakable Virgo and your solar eighth house. Thus, the negotiations cost you a packet.

However, as vamping Venus moves into Taurus, you find yourself in a better class of cell. Lunatic planets fart in the cosmic winds and FROM WITHIN THESE WALLS becomes a global phenomenon. Nation vies with nation to buy the format. But prison life is no longer quiet. Fellow inmates perform for the camera. Even when you tell them you're not online, they smile knowingly but continue unashamedly. The guards are worse, if that's possible! They pose enticingly and treat you like visiting royalty. Everyone wants your attention, little airhead imbeciles. Prison authorities become anxious at the effect this has on life inside. Worried debate takes place about the legality of these doings and your earnings. The law that once sent you to the halls of incarceration is now anxious to be rid of you, as so many of us are for various reasons.

Vamping Venus clashes with nasty Neptune and you find yourself with an early release, with the unlikely mention of 'good behaviour' as the reason. There's a first time for everything it seems! Come the Equinox and the New Moon in odious Aries, you're a free little airhead and in business, selling the format of the show, acting as a consultant for those who purchase it and hiring prisoners to continue the good work you can no longer do. Marauding Mars in Gemini sees you strutting, an entrepreneur of reality television!

But what's this? Great gods alive and dead, the great Sol Invicti clashes with miserable Saturn and you find you're going weak at the knees as this harbinger of doom and old age brings a dose of bad health. You begin to make a strange creaking sound as you walk. Added to this indignity, the police begin to take interest in your activities. After all, you're a convicted criminal who consorts with convicted criminals and odious persons in the media, so your activities are suspect. The persons in blue are constantly running you off the road and issuing speeding fines. By my little brown bottle, that's harassment!

But there's worse to come! Oh what a shame! Just when things seemed to be going so well! Marauding Mars clashes with idiot Uranus and your financial statements bring bad news. The money you're spending to pay off the prisoners, prison guards and authorities and now the police (did I mention they wanted in on the action as well) is bringing you near to bankruptcy.

Great gods alive and dead, little nitwits! What will you do? Gadzooks, I'm exhausted. I'm also bored and unwell! I'll have to leave you now. I hear a little brown bottle calling my name. Click here next month to see if I have the strength to write more of this piffling nonsense!