Love Kills

I'll never be able to forget him. No matter how much time passes I just can't let go. I dream about him and wake up reaching out expecting him to be there but he is still gone. I've slept alone every single night since the last time we were together and it is killing me. I cannot stand to be so lonely. Yet I push away anyone who tries to get close because my heart is still broken and I can't give them anything.

The worst part is that he wasn't even a nice guy most of the time. He was always pointing out my flaws and making me feel like I would never be good enough for him. I caught him in a lie once or twice but never said anything. I'm pretty sure he cheated on me but I can't be sure. I am not the jealous or possessive type. I just gave him my unconditional sweetness and trust and told him that I didn't care what he did as long as he came home to me at the end of the night.

At the same time he was very controlling of MY behavior. He would get upset and make me change my plans if they didn't include him. Something which if I did it would be considered "clingy." Also he didn't trust me and was always very suspicious of me hanging out with my guy friends. He told me I had to choose between him and a long time friend of mine. "Pick me," he said. I was thinking to myself, "Dammit! I DID pick you. What is the big deal?" I wouldn't budge, saying that I was friends with my friend first. This is when things really started to fall apart for us.

There were also times when he was very sweet to me that I can't get out of my mind. He made me soup when I was sick. We stayed up listening to music. He held my hand when we'd walk down the street together. We went camping and slept under the stars. We told each other our deepest, darkest secrets. We held and kissed each other all night long in my tiny little bed. It would make me so happy just to hear him laugh. I honestly never felt like that before.

I loved him very much but I was never able to tell him. When he told me he loved me I didn't say anything back because I was too scared. I don't know if it would have made any difference because even though he said it I don't think he meant it. I think he was just using me the whole time but I still regret not saying it. I just wanted him to know.

I know this all sounds crazy. It would take me too long to explain WHY I loved this asshole. I thought I saw through the persona he portrays to the real person inside but maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see. Maybe I was seeing things that weren't really there. I doesn't matter now. Regardless of what I felt for him he disrespected me in a way which I will never tolerate from anyone. I will never forgive him for it.

I apologize for such a long post. If you are still reading I'm asking you for some advice. How do I put all this behind me? The feelings of emptyness, the resentment, the anger, the regret? There is NO point in thinking about it anymore. He has moved on and is manipulating his new girlfriend(s) now. I wouldn't want him back anyway. We weren't right for each other and nothing I could've done would have made it so. I realize this. But I STILL can't stop thinking about it. I have wanted to die because of this. I have TRIED to die because of this. Everyone tells me it will get better with time but it only seems to get worse. I just want it to stop hurting so I can love someone else someday. I don't want it to kill me. What can I do?

It may seem like you'll never get over it but in time it will fade.
I thought my world had ended when my ex left me for a scottish midget(yes i still have some anger issues) But the world moved on,and in time the pain lessened. It won't be easy, but nobody is worth dying for, especially an asshole(your words not mine).
I know i havn't said anything you havn't heard before, but maybe that's because it's the best advice. Time does heal most wounds. Except paper cuts.

Love does kill... if you let it. I was cheated on by my first true love after a relationship of 3 1/2 years. She cheated on me with a friend of mine the night I graduated high school. I found out by my cousin (she introduced us).
I was torn up.. I resorted to embrasing darkness. I began cutting myself to cover up the emotinal pain. I started doing stupid stuff to challenge death. Nothing I did at that time helped me with the pain. Then one day, I realized that the pain was starting to be destoyed by the anger that I did feel. I gave my whole heart and soul to this girl, only to be cheated on. I refused to dwell on the good memories and only focused on the bad ones. My anger killed off the pain. So, some times its good to keep the anger you have for someone when you are hurting.

I don't know if this helps.. or hurts.. I'm sorry if it does hurt. This is just one of my stories and solutions. Keep talking, we are all here for you. Here is a :rose: for you, stay strong!!