[Javier was born in Spain
and now lives in Holland. A decade and half ago when he was in
his late teens, he was leaden with a sense of heavy confusion
 a confusion that had driven him to find a way to attain
eternal happiness. Now in his thirties, he finds from his
quest that 'enlightenment' seems to be an ongoing process by
no-one. Over time he realized more glimpses of
this Truth while the subtle layers of the I/ego/doer are dying
day by day. I am grateful to Javier who has been kind to share at
this Blog the process of his own search. The
Reality Check he offers reads like true Meditation. Javier
will be happy to receive any comments or questions and is
available at: [email protected] -- ramesam]

Time is
ticking. Fast, hurry, seek what you are trying to find!

That is what I said to
myself when my seeking hit the roof. I had to do something in
order to achieve enlightenment.

It all started when I was
18 years. I started doing meditation after listening to a new age
program on the Dutch radio station. I am 33 now and I did not
know anything about enlightenment or spirituality or whatever you
want to name it. So there I was, meditating for 5 minutes each
day. Thoughts were all over the place, scattered as if they came
from a bombshell. I read about Buddhism online and I did not
understand anything about what they said.

I didn't know anything
about God/Brahman/Life itself. I was never a believer in the
catholic God and thought going to church was kind of ignorance.
Going to heaven after I die? Was it my fault that I was born?
So I turned on the TV one night and Osho (an Indian mystic) said
the following words 'you are not the doer, you are a watcher'.
This trying to figure out who the doer was started right there
that night.

So time flew but
enlightenment and Self realization did not make any sense. When I
was 27 or so, I typed the question on Google who am I?
I came to an advaita site of Ramana Maharshi. It sounded good to
me. As I went to YouTube, I found other advaita/non-duality
teachers talk about it. When I listened to Tony Parsons saying
'everything just happens for no one', something clicked.. Surely,
hearing, smelling and feeling were happening on their own accord.
If ever enlightenment was that easy! I couldn't believe it. I
thought I had it.. I thought that it happened to someone.

Darkness, separation and
no Brahman/Source/Life to be found anywhere!

Help! I saw myself as a
separate doer, doing stuff in life, not knowing that that very
thought of being a doer also was just perfectly happening on its
own accord. SO I believed in this whole seeking mind game and all
of its diverse thoughts. One day the mind started to talk in the
'you' form. So I wondered.. Are there two separate selves?

But very recently things
started to change. I had glimpses. They went away as fast as they
came. I should be happy knowing that I was enlightened. I had it
in my hands! I finally arrived.

Reality check!

Who is it that becomes
enlightened?

Who is it that wants to
get rid of the doer?

Who is it that seeks?

Isn't it so that all of
these divine things are also happening perfectly?

So yes, writing this post
is happening on by itself. And there is something still 'knowing'
that it happens that doesn't require effort and pain. It is
there.

This/Life itself is a
knowing which knows:

- itching sensation
on my left leg
- deep inhalation
- sounds
- tapping
- legs crossed on the ground
-coldness on the nose
- a thought saying ' if there is no one, who or better say
what knows that this very thought is happening'
- smile
- humming of the PC
- moistening of lips
- blinking
- another thought saying why I wasn't aware of the blinking
before
- laughter
- another thought saying that there is a noticing/ knowing
that knows that I wasn't aware if there is an I!

So all of these things
seem to happen and the you cannot figure out this
doership. You cannot surrender either or let go. It happens or
not. In my case seeking was an obsession, like a day-job. The
pre-thought 'I am going to wiggle my toe whenever I want' was my
seeking experiment for 2 years but step by step in the story of
Javier (if there is a step by step), there was an understanding
that subtle actions were happening too, including concentration,
sending imaginary signals to the toe, closing the eyes and
forcing it to move the toe. Hilarious really but just OK. So
there seems to be a process here NOW of dismantling subtle layers
of belief and subtle thoughts of identification. So self inquiry
into the doership can be the way. Or more correctly, there is no
way ... there is only 'waying' by no one.

Life is living you. You
are not having a Life. Of course, don't say this to an apparent
anyone who believes they are separate. 'You' might end up in a
separate isolation room!

It couldn't have
happened in another way. So trust what you know or don't know. It
is one big paradox!