How To: Effectively Communicate

Assert your power! You have climbed to the top of the evolutionary doggy pile and
now its time to communicate effectively in the most passionate doggy style.

Give it all you got! Never stop talking and gesticulating. It will require a lubricated throat and sweaty hands to make sure you can keep your communication flow operating at Sam Kinnison levels. Get going! Now is your time to shine.

The aim of this instructional essay is to get you communicating like Koko the Gorilla can only dream of in her barely sentient noggin. So read these words with every ounce of strength you’ve got! The written word is still a valid form of communication and this blog entry, The Ten Commandments, the playlist taped to the stage by Iggy Pop’s microphone, and Battlefield Earth are all examples of this truism.

What is Passive Communication?Great question!
Passive Communication allows others to make decisions for you which is really really stupid unless you are in a coma or horribly senile, in which case it would be a great idea.
Passive Communication means remaining silent even at the cost of your own best interests. Like when my ex-girlfriend Stephanie married that jerk Steve and the Priest asked the congregation “if there was any reason that they should not get married to speak now or forever hold your peace” and I just sat there in the pew literally biting my tongue. It wasn’t until much later at their reception at the Elk’s Lodge that I spoke my mind with the eloquence of five Jim Beams in me. But sometimes in communication, timing is just as important as volume and profanity.
Passive Communication utilizes sarcasm and proves that everyone loves passivity sometimes—at least when it is aimed at another co-worker in the office who intimidates the two of you. Then your sarcasm and coy backbiting will thrill and delight.
Passive Communication means you give in to others even when it means that you will be filled with resentment. And resentment’s Latin root is ‘resent’ like the word ‘present’ and resentment will be an everlasting present to you which you can open again and again while drinking beer sitting in front of a broken TV, watching your inky black reflection in its horrifying screen.
Passive Communication means that you are not honest with your desires and can be one of the last remaining reasons you have still not made out with your married cousin.

What is Aggressive Communication?Aggressive Communication means you bottle up your feelings in a magical Genie lamp you bought at that creepy antique store in San Francisco’s Chinatown until they finally manifest themselves in the form of Bea Arthur and wrap their very long legs around your neck and make you drink of their hateful musk.
Aggressive Communication means interrupting the other person. This includes coitus interruptus or interrupting your grandmother’s 85th birthday party for coitus.
Aggressive Communication is when you shout, yell, or raise your voice. This is why aggressive communication is an absolutely necessary mode of communication for teachers, bullfighters, stage actors, and birthing coaches.

Aggressive Communication includes being inappropriately honest. Now, don’t get me wrong–honesty is the best policy and I myself have never told a lie. But it is important to choose your words wisely. Instead of ‘idiotic’ use ‘demonstrably moronic’ and you can replace ‘horse faced’ with “looks like a famous sports athelete…you know, like Seabiscuit.”

What is Assertive Communication?This is the worst type of communication because you will be pretty much putting yourself at risk of emotional vulnerability.

We here at MindFlowers Communication Technologies hope that this has been helpful and all you readers out there that are currently in struggling marriages have found a few helpful hints on how to end your union in a spectacular and memorable way.

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6 Responses to “How To: Effectively Communicate”

Greater wisdom comes with experience, especially spectacular failure. Sometimes there is nothing better than being completely incinerated by the flames of ignorance before rising, phoenix-like from the ashes. It’s purifying. Like a painful yet purging colonic– the shattering of everything you once thought to be true before you realize it was all a toxic illusion and the idea that you had found your life partner was a mere narcissistic projection of your own mind. In this regard, I completely agree with you when you mention “emotional vulnerability/ honesty” being totally out of the question.

However, it is my highly esteemed opinion that of equal or greater importance is the ability to listen while filtering everything you hear through your own, dearly held, point of view! This is a key ingredient in preparing the right conditions for a good burn.

There is a real distinction between merely listening for the message and completely missing the message. When we listen effectively we understand what the person is thinking and/or feeling from the other person’s own perspective. It is as if we were standing in the other person’s shoes, seeing through his/her eyes and listening through the person’s ears. Our own viewpoint may be different and we may not necessarily agree with the person, but as we listen, we understand from the other’s perspective.

If we are really committed to our fantasies, delusions and distortions of reality, we must always listen ineffectively, be as passively involved in the communication process as possible, and never listen actively.

At Love:
I must admit that I had a tough time paying attention past the phrase: “Painful yet purifying colonic.”
All I gotta say is–if your colonic is painful, relax. Give in to the process.
You’re right, At Love. So much of our lives can be wasted and troubled through miscommunication.
If only we took the time to as you say: “stand in the other person’s shoes” we would avoid a lot of problems.
It is scary though, isn’t it!? To entertain challenging thoughts, to admit to yourself that others’ narratives can be just as valid as yours.
I struggle with this all the time! To continually press forward in compassion, patience, humility is the mark of true saintliness.
Thank goodness for those ‘saints’ in the world!
Thanks for writing in At Love!
Ryan

I detect a tone of sarcasm in your reply, which elicits a sharp, bitter and cutting feeling. Ouch!

Dictionary.com describes the use of sarcasm thus:

‘In sarcasm, ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely and contemptuously, for destructive purposes. It may be used in an indirect manner, and have the form of irony, as in “What a fine musician you turned out to be!”’

In this case, the example sentence could be replaced by your sentence, “Thank goodness for those ‘saints’ in the world!”

I wonder if you were implying that I was claiming to be a saint?!
I certainly do not claim to be a saint, in fact “At Love” is not my real name. I used it along with a false email address, to disguise my identity. If you put the two together you will see they read “at love ifail@bigtime.com“.
I am aware that I am as fallible and imperfect as the next person, especially in the realm of human relationship (and humor)!

She talks about how accepting and forgiving oneself- essentially, freeing ourselves from shame- is the basis of communicating with others compassionately and non-judgmentally. Especially check out the tracks “Strategies of Judgment” and “Awakening from your Substitute Life”. I have found what she has to say in them really help, although the journey to self-actualization and awareness is never ending. But I assume you already know that.

If you don’t have the opportunity to listen to it, just one sentence she quotes from an anonymous source is worth remembering:

Thanks for the message!
I’m sorry it appeared I was being sarcastic because I was not–I was being earnest.
No, I truly do believe that communication is difficult and I am thankful for those
people in the world who desire more peaceful communication, intimacy, compassion.
I also use ‘saint’ in a way that doesn’t imply perfection–we all struggle, we all fail.

My comment was in no way about you directly and I am sorry that I must not have been clear.

Love is difficult. If it were easy would we have so much poetry, religion, and art directed at guiding towards more of it?

Here’s wishing you a bright day and thanks for reading MindFlowers,
Ry