do you want me to lie to you?do you want me to lie to you?say, everything will be okay, i’m so sorry and let’s just go on…only to then realize i’m wrong?orlie to you and say it is absolutely over, pack bags, head out…only to realize i was wrong?why do I have this decision to make?i was spending time doing things and it wasn’t enough time with you and the kids.you said, hey! that’s not fair.okay, you convinced me that it wasn’t, so then i have a decision to make…should i stay or should i go,because i feel like i want to keep doing the things i was doing,and that is not “fair” to the rest of the family.stop doing some of them you say…i’m not sure i want to right now, later maybe…maybe.so i think to myself,if i am going to keep doing these things away from the family and house and youdon’t think it’s fair, i have a decision to make…i’m not sure it was a decision i was planning on working on though,but from what you said and what i was doing it only seems logical i should makethis “decision”.now while i’m wrestling with this “decision” i’m also making it “worse” for you andso you want the “decision” faster and sooner and i wasn’t even ready to startthinking about it,but i understand your point so it only seems fair i should make a “decision”between this or that.scares me a little…then again…but it seems like something i shouldn’t decide real fast, huh?how long you say?look how it affects you and the kids you say…well, you’re right, it does, and me too…you say that i don’t have the “balls” to decide…might be right…pretty big decision, huh?let’s not mention the fact that employment, finances, cars, etc. etc. etc. are alsogoing on. for you too, i realize…i am not the lone ranger except with this “decision”.i usually make quick decisions and live with the consequences…why not now?well…haven’t had this one before…it’s a new one on the books…nothing to compare, relate or gauge by.i’m not complaining, i’ve made this bed i sleep in alone.should we separate or would that make it like “out of sight out of mind”?should i stay and that makes it bizarre for you?i think if we had a million dollars, i would leave for a while and think about it,or would it just be easier for me to say “it’s over” because i could rationalize thatyou and the kids would be okay “financially”?should i act like we have a million dollars and leave anyway as you suggested?he’s a big boy…it scares me about her…i’m not positive about you and i but we are “adults”?well, maybe you are…i don’t even want to be!!!i really really don’t want to yell and scream, especially at you!i am sorry that this is hurting you and if you force a decision i do understand…it would drive me nuts too…i have loved you for many years and that i know to be true…can you fall out of love so fast?maybe with the right age, circumstances and all, maybe yes…i am trying to be sure before i cut loose years of mostly great times…i’m sorry this hurts so bad…i really, really am…i can be very cold and that is something i alone, with or without you, will live with.i know there are very sad moments ahead of us…i do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are very very happy times aheadfor each of us also…i’ve got to believe that the happy will outweigh the sad…for both you and i…i hope this helps…it makes me cry…i have loved you greatly and i understand if what i am doing is not okay with you,“decisions” should be made…always be happy…

Love Ya Stillwords…thoughts…dreams…ideas…passions…visions…wants…needs…fears…desires…puzzles…did you ever think that your life “puzzle” was complete?only to wake up and realize you weren’t seeing the whole picture because pieceswere missing?do you make more pieces to replace them or look for the old pieces?do you travel without pieces to your puzzle?why question what is happening?why accept what is happening?what is happening?let things happen…make things happen…live with what happens…choice?there is a big picture that I want to see, feel, touch, inhale and exhale.is this it? should I be “happy” with this picture?I want to know what is in the corners, in the shadows, behind the obvious.good or bad I am seeking.thrill seeker? I don’t know.I do not want to subdue these thoughts only to have them resurface again andagain when my “puzzle” is “complete”.do you choose certain people to be your confidant or do you throw ideas,objections, dreams, goals and everything else out there and someone or some-tworespond in such a manner to bring you peace for the moment and a solid base tobuild on? is that wrong? what is right?am I afraid to tell you what I think sometimes?can I tell you what I’m thinking all the time?do I know what I am thinking all the time?any of the time?are my visions bigger than yours?does it matter?are they different?what are they?do I know?do you?be your best and it will come…what is your best?best at what?do we know who we are?are we satisfied?should we be?is happiness outside our control or inside our soul?why ask why?BECAUSE!!would it be different if we had $100,000 in the bank?well, we wouldn’t concern ourselves with the bills we have.do we now?do I?my foundation is a bit unstable.did I make it that way?I may have, is that wrong?right?I do not want to use my “confusion” as an excuse or crutch, but as a possibleexplanation to my actions.yes, I create my confusion a lot.just stop doing it, right?well maybe, maybe not.“seek first to understand, then be understood”.how can I be understood when I’m not sure I understand?I felt the other day we had “sex” versus “made love”.I thought I would feel better, but I felt worse.I felt unattractive.I felt you unattractive.I was more confused after then before.happens I guess.we deal with it.I don’t want to change you for my sake, or you to change me for your sake.I want us to change for our sakes.change, grow, experience, learn, whatever “thee” words are.I’m angry that my potential is not recognized by the “outsiders”.should I be angry at myself?whatever.I want to fight so hard sometimes and then I don’t really give a damn other times.an emotional ping-pong game inside me where I wonder should I win or“let me win”.deep, huh? oh well.I don’t want to yell and scream, rant and rave, throw and break, nor do I want tocry.am I a fan or player?what is my game?where is my arena?what is the score?I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to hurt.I’m sorry you are realizing you had a sorry, twisted childhood.but you are not a helpless child anymore.maybe you want to be, that I understand.you have your boogeymen in your closets to deal with.can I help? maybe.but maybe you must conquer yours as I conquer mine.your advantage is you know what they are.do I know what mine are?do I have any?do I fabricate them?I am not perfect.can you deal my imperfections?can I?time will tell.let’s hope for the best, huh?I am responsible for my actions and I accept that.I am still learning “me”.I don’t think I am done.I don’t think I want to be “done’ just yet.lots more to come!will you come with me?do you want to?do I?questions, questions, questions.I’m not making excuses, I’m attempting explanation.I am wandering and that thrills me and scares me, but that is okay.I am alive!where will this go?I guess we’ll both find out.