distinguished members of the congregation,' began the General, 'I hope

we have all put the bishop's prayer in its proper context, to ensure

that it's not wrongly interpreted as yet another inflammatory

statement by the church which could cause public unrest and anarchy.

'We must remember that, although the late honourable minister was

undoubtedly extraordinarily generous, all this happened just after

independence. This was a time when the lower classes had the mistaken

notion that they should be given free bread as one of the fruits of

independence.

'We must also remember that there was no ruling class in

those days, and even the late honourable Givewell Milile had the

mistaken working class notion that the job of government was to

provide free services to the people.

'We should therefore understand that the bishop's prayer was trying to

highlight the evil of providing free services, due to a wrong

conception of Christianity which is still being spread, even to this

day, by a few rogue Catholic priests.

'We therefore thank the Lord for the life of our departed brotherGivewell Milile, because it was his example that taught us about thedangers of excessive generosity. By his emphasis on giving instead oftaking, he failed to use his position in parliament to increase hisown salary, or to give himself a pension. He was so concerned withgiving to others that he quite forgot to take anything for himself.Consequently he failed to give himself a car loan, or per diem, ortravel allowance, or even a sitting allowance. The poor man, out ofmistaken generosity, used to sit down entirely free of charge. Wethank the Lord for giving us this example of his poverty, so that wewere able to see the need to change our ways to ensure that leadersare now properly remunerated. ''Hallelujah!' chanted the congregation. 'Thank the Lord!''And now,' said the bishop, 'I call upon the Minister for PrivateWorks to say a few words.'The diminutive figure of the Honourable Mouth Mulufyanya now steppedup to the lectern. 'I just want to say a few words about thearrangements we have made for this State Funeral. Our Great Leader hasgenerously made a donation of twenty billion of taxpayers' money for…''Hallelujah!' chanted the congregation in a passionate display ofChristian ecstasy. 'Manna from Heaven!''Part of this will go to the late departed, to compensate for what hemissed in life. Five billion has been allocated for building him alarge comfortable retirement mansion in Heaven. A further two billionhas been allocated for the presidential jet to take him there. Anothertwo billion has been put in a brown envelope for St Peter, to ensureeasy passage through the Pearly Gates.''May his soul rest in luxury,' chanted the congregation.'In terms of funeral provisions, four billion has been used for therefurbishment of the Leader's Palace, to ensure a suitably comfortablevenue for the reception which follows the burial. One billion has beenused for the red carpet from this church to the Leopards HillCemetery, so that all potholes are properly covered. A further billionwill be made available for printing the extra pages which we expectwill be needed in next year's Auditor General's Report.'The remainder of the allocation will cover the expenses of all thedistinguished members of the government who have generously giventheir valuable time to attend this important national event. To coveryour sitting allowance, standing allowance, per diem, travel allowanceand miscellaneous expenses, each dignitary is respectfully invited tocollect their brown envelope at the door as they leave…'On hearing these words, the entire congregation began an unseemlyscramble for the door at the back, as pews were upturned, and biblesand hymn books strewn all over the floor. The bishop was left alone atthe front, together with the eight soldiers in ceremonial uniform whowere trying to lift the coffin. But they dropped it.'What's the problem?' cried the bishop.'Somebody's stolen the brass handles,' one of the soldiers replied.The bishop solemnly gave the sign of the cross. 'That's the way of theworld. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.'