Nothing fails like prayer

A wise person once said that two hands engaged in labor can accomplish more than a million hands clasped in prayer. That person was not Rick Perry. The Texas governor recently shared his plans for combating America's gun problem. He said Americans should simply get down on their knees and "pray for protection."

Perry acknowledged the crisis of violence in the U.S., but said enacting tougher gun laws was not the right way to solve it. According to the former presidential candidate, the smartest way to fight crime is to "Return to our places of worship and pray for help."

Does anyone else have a problem with government officials telling people that prayer is the solution to gun violence, as opposed to, you know, common sense, real-life solutions? Evidently, Texans aren't picky about who's running the asylum.

You see, folks, praying for gun control accomplishes absolutely nothing. Zilch. Nada. A Kevlar Bible is more effective. I discovered this when I was 12 years old and my best friend was shot in a hunting accident. I prayed and prayed that he would live, but he died. I prayed for other things back then -- more food to eat, parents who weren't alcoholics, happiness at home -- but none of those prayers were answered either. That's when it hit me: Nobody was listening. So I stopped praying. I stopped believing. And I began taking charge of my own life. That was 44 years ago and I've never regretted the decision.

But say you're a praise-the-Lord-and-pass-the-ammunition Christian like Gov. Perry. Ask yourself this: Just how much praying does it take to get protection from a bullet? If we all bow our heads and plead with God, will it also prevent death from grenades, land mines, and bunker busters? And if prayer really does halt gun violence, why does the Pope ride around in a bulletproof car? Lastly, what is it about areas rich in oil that turns people into religious zealots? Just wondering.

Prayer was also Perry's solution for last year's drought in Texas. After he cut state funding to fire departments, and after his state was ravaged by unchecked wildfires, he urged homeowners to pray for rain. And Texas burned. The federal government eventually had to send in cargo planes filled with water to quench the flames. This is the same government of the country that Perry wants to secede from.

Maybe God doesn't take requests for rain from climate change deniers and governors who act more like "Pet Rocks."

Rick Perry is not the only one who believes in the power of prayer. The Taliban worship God to the point of martyrdom, hoping it will hide them from U.S. drones. The Hutu in Rwanda trust that prayer will help them dodge a hail of bullets. And the Jews of Poland were sure that prayer would keep them safe. Sadly, prayer doesn't seem to help anyone except for corrupt politicians, ayatollahs, doomsday religious groups, and TV evangelists.

I guess the Lord works in mysterious ways.

Here's something to ponder: The least violent countries are also the least religious. It's a fact. Religion doesn't keep us safe, culture does. On the other hand, prayer is much easier than putting some actual thought into trying to resolve a problem, right?

I'd like to point out that prayer didn't work all that well for Perry's presidential candidacy. Nor did clicking his heels three times, using his magic four-leaf clover or snake handling at the Pentecostal Church. Next time the governor should try sacrificing a dozen goats and NRA president David Keene.

In other words, 13 goats.

This may be impossible for Gov. Perry to understand, but prayer is a placebo, the NRA is crooked, and he is an incredibly weak-minded tool. Militarizing our schools is not the answer to our gun problem. The solution will be a series of actions similar to those supported by President Obama, such as universal background checks and a ban on assault rifles and ammunition clips that allow shooters to fire dozens of bullets into crowded theaters or classrooms without reloading.

This intelligent solution will take time, energy and patience to achieve success. It will also take greater understanding, cooperation and compassion on the part of the NRA and American gun owners. But it's much better than believing that our problems can be solved with more prayer and additional guns.