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“Sappy Trails to You” (Chemtrails)

Contrails are long, thin clouds left in the wake of flying aircraft. They are caused by condensation of hot airplane exhaust in cold air. How utterly boring. Much more exciting are chemtrails, which disperse noxious chemicals in order to spread some ill-defined nefariousness.

Whether believers consider it a contrail or chemtrail is determined by appearance, durability, and length, though no consensus exists as to just how colorful, lasting, or long it must be.

Exactly what is being dumped is also not agreed upon, nor is the reason for it being done. Speculative reasons include: Building an electromagnetic weapon; concealing the existence of Planet X; environmental poisoning; mind control; population sterilization; spreading respiratory illnesses; and weakening immune systems. If only for variety, I wish conspiracy theorists would for once asribe benevolent behavior to our mysterious overlords. Like say, spraying the masses with liquified LifeSavers.

Supposed beneficiaries of chemtrail spewing include world governments, Monsanto, and the pharmaceutical industry.

If chemtrails were real, they would form immediately behind the aircraft, as happens during crop dusting. Furthermore, if governments, the military, or corporations are poisoning us by air, they are using inefficient methods. Unleashing chemicals at 30,000 feet would cause them to disperse wildly and would exponentially hamper their potency. To engage in this super-villainy properly, find a night free of wind, fly at a low altitude, and use invisible chemicals. This idea could still appeal to conspiracy theorists, since the fact that we CAN’T see the chemicals would be proof that they are there.

The most frequent distinction attributed to chemtrails is color. If an airplane is flying directly away from a setting or rising sun, the contrail may appear black. This more devilish look excites the believers, but is due to how shadows work. A contrail can block out much of the sun, resulting in this shadow. Another factor is the distance involved, as this negatively impacts depth perception.

Having more than one contrail seemingly visible at once is also presented as evidence of the multiple streaks being chemtrails. However, when high clouds cast shadows onto a contrail, multiple shadows can be produced. As far as lingering contrails, they are usually the result of weather.

Chemtrail evidence is limited to photos of the sky, pictures that are explained by science. There is no evidence of chemical detection, no videos of chemical-spraying commercial jets, and no Top Secret documents revealed. All national governments, airlines, and environmental scientists would have to be complicit in the plot.

One ground photo presented as evidence is of a supposedly vile liquid inside an airplane. However, this is of flight testing equipment, in which tanks of water simulate passenger weight. Despite this being proven years ago, it still has life in the chemtrail believer community.

Just how easily duped chemtrail proponents can be was demonstrated by British citizen Chris Bovey. When his plane had to make an emergency landing to dump excess fuel, Bovey filmed it and uploaded the video with a caption that suggested the craft was being loaded with chemtrails. It topped one million views, with credulous posters calling it proof and chiding disbelievers as fools or shills. For good measure, Bovey concocted a story about being detained upon arrival and having his cell phone confiscated. This riled up the theorists even more, with at least one site calling it irrefutable proof.

Mick West, editor of Metabunk, explained why people can react in such a way: “When they see something that seems to fit their worldview they jump on it.” Bovey added, “This happens because people want to believe it, are so distrusting of the government, and lack basic scientific understanding.”

Of course, there was no fooling the conspiracy theorists, who cleverly sniffed out Bovey as part of the cover-up.