Spoof news stories from Thursday 22 December 2011

More bad news for football pundit Alan Hansen after a lucrative Sponsorship deal with Washing Powder manufacturer Mulatto was controversially and publicly ended today. The axing is believed to be a result of his ill-advised comments on Match of the D...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Wisconsin Senator Jim Sensenbrenner has issued an apology to the first lady Michelle Obama for his extremely insensitive, uncalled for, and very ignorant statement.
The senator from the Cheese State was at Reagan Airport in Wash...

As reported some days ago, everyone's favourite aussie-greek, (do we actually know any others?..Ed.) Peter Andre, launched his new skincare range for men, 'Silli-cleanse by Andre'. Well our sources say that it is already this Christmas's number one s...

John Terry is in even more hot water as Paul Scholes has come forward to pour more scorn on the beleaguered footballer with the announcement that Terry called Scholes a Gingernut.
"It was when United played Chelsea at Stamford Bridge," said Schole...

Police have finally arrested a man with a minor speech impediment after a series of robberies at bakers' shops.
During the last few weeks, the man had robbed nearly all the bakeries in Liverpool, each time using the same disguise. According to the...

Officials in the U.K. have issued an alert to women after it was discovered that some breast implants manufactured in France and sold in the UK are likely to explode on Christmas day, the Daily Express newspaper reported today. The implants were made...

The US Navy have allowed two of its' sailors, who just happened to be lesbians, to kiss in public. The straight men on board on seeing the two kiss disappeared into the toilets with a copy of Playboy. The gay male sailor fraternity also run off to th...

The International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Paris today announced that a "leap centimetre" would be added to the length of the metre at midnight on 28th February 2012, to coincide with the addition of an extra day to the year.
'People are...

LOS ANGELES - A spokesperson for the FlexHex Package Delivery Service Company has issued a statement that Fiorello "The Punk" Picklefark has been fired and told to turn in his Bermuda shorts.
The former delivery service employee, who was video tap...

Prince William of Leicestershire has been previewing his sensational act for the next series of X Factor.
'He is a wonderful Hip Hop Dancer' said partner Kate of Leicestershire in an exclusive interview 'he has been practising for weeks and has ev...

Pink Floyd have announced to excited fans on their website that they are to play a farewell concert from of all places...the summit of mount Everest.
Planned for summer 2012 they will be playing some of their most beloved and popular songs from a...

A firm specialising in Brain Implants has become bankrupt after it was discovered that some implanted Brains were leaking.
Housewife Marjorie Dawes (39) with her two children beside her described how she felt when part of her brain began seeping t...

Following the removal of Pluto's planet status by the International Astronomy Union in 2006, the dead orbiting body has received little respect. That is, until now. Discovered by the Hubbell telescope this past week, Pluto was found to have eviden...

Not an international football summary, but just another day on the international business circuit. Brazil futures have taken a turn for the better, Hungary's debt situation forced a downgrade by Standard & Poor and British Airways wins bid for a...

HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Since announcing that she was divorcing her philandering Los Angeles Lakers husband Vanessa Bryant has been keeping a very low profile.
So much in fact that even FedEx deliverymen cannot seem to contact her to deliver Christmas p...

Stripy jumpers are to be banned from British television starting in spring next year, with a wider ban on stripy jumpers in general to follow a few months later.
"It doesn't matter if the jumper has vertical or horizontal stripes," said Fashion Mi...

Surrey - Police are investigating a 'cruel and unusual website' accused of bullying by a Dorking headmaster disgusted with its 'homophobic, racist and sexist' rants.
Dave Skag, head of Dorking High, said the Little Gossip website was full of hate...

Helmont Homes have been given the go ahead to build on several sites that were previously declared as being of historical significance, such as the Edwardian Folly on the outskirts of Dorking.
"Green belt land is so much cheaper than all this bro...

It was just Saturday evening that I was with my very own mother. We were on the escalator traveling upstairs from the lower level of Fairway to the street. Half way upstairs, we heard shrill screams and the sound of slamming footsteps on the tile. Ok, think fast. Kidnappers? Terrorists? Nope. Just your average run of the mill irresponsible parenting.
What did we see? At the top of the escalat...

A controversial new scheme announced by George Osborne today will give tax payers the opportunity to 'adopt' an unemployed person for as little as £5 a month.
The scheme will provide bi-monthly updates on how the jobless adoptee is progressing in...

The Comparisons between Santa and David Cameron
1. When the poor ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal, with Cameron, it's impossible.
2. Santa seldom answers the poor's you email, Cameron never answers the poor's emails.
3. Santa seldom answers the poor's mail, Cameron never answers the poor's mail.
4. Santa gets all the stuff he's got from k...

After Newcastle renamed their stadium the Specsavers Stadium, there have been a rash of clubs wanting to follow in their footsteps to earn extra income. From Bolton's Odour-Eaters Stadium to Ipswich's Anusol Arena, the high street has finally come to...

A diary of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, cock-ups, and impecuniousness, starting in August 1947
Chapter 65 - The Hospital Visitor?
After my cardiac surgery, and two days of which I can remember little, I was moved to the Intensive care for a day, then back into the 'Morris' cardiac ward in the Nottingham City Hospital.
As I awoke, and looked at the paraphernalia protrudi...

A diary of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, cock-ups, and impecuniousness, starting in August 1947
Chapter 64 - One of my fortnightly trips to the public baths
Each fortnight, Dad and I would venture out to the Public baths on Portland Street, in the Meadows area of Nottingham.
It was a very stressful exercise for Dad, because it involved him parting with 3d (1½p), and th...

SHERMAN OAKS - Charlie Sheen says that he has really enjoyed staying out of the limelight lately and added that he has just passed the time sitting back and watching all of the Pepper Spray stuff, the Penn State mess, the fall of Herman Cain, and the...

A Pennsylvania woman police have charged with heisting an 80-pound plaster-of-Paris Baby Jesus statuette reportedly has no remorse for her alleged actions. The hefty figurine was filched from its cradle in a nativity display in a strip mall in Virgi...

Washington DC: President Obama during a Democratic campaign speech given in Osawatomie, Kansas echoed the words of President Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909). Overlooked by the media were other occasions where the Chief Executive utilized themes originally expressed by William Shakespeare.
Friends, Republicans, countrymen, lend me your tax money.
To drill or not to drill that is the question.