Kyle: Well, it looks like she's not going to show up Stan. Let's go look for the visitors, now.

Stan: But her note said she'd be here.

[Wendy appears out of nowhere]

Wendy: Hi, Stan. wanna catch. [Stan sees Wendy then throws up] Eww!

Kyle: You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.

Wendy: But why Stan? Don't get involved, your vomit herself.

[Stan tries to hold on, but he vomits instead]

Wendy: Eww!

[after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]

Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom Selleck.

Kyle: [speaking to aliens] V-Visitors? This morning you took my brother, Ike. [sad, dramatice music begins playing] He's a little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today: That having a little brother is a pretty special thing. Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to me...it sure would make my life brighter again. [turns back to aliens]

Stan: That was beautiful, dude.

Kyle: Did it work?

Stan: No. They're leaving.

Kyle: Hey, you scrawny ass s***! What the f**k is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of f***ing asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!

Stan: Whoa, dude!

Kyle: You know what you f***ers like?! You like to [beep] and [beep] and [beep] and [beep] and [beep] and [beep]!

Stan: Hey Wendy, what's a f***?

Stan: Thanks for your help, Wendy.

Wendy: Whatever, dude. I promise me you'll be here.

Stan: Hey, I didn't throw up.

Wendy: Cool! We're always be together.

[She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and romantic music plays. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy]

Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.

Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.

Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.

Jimbo: No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree-hugger!

Cartman: Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything!

Barbrady: Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr Garrison, if you would, please?

[Garrison turns on the movie projector to watch a 1952 training video called Lava and You.]

Instructor: Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress—and a volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here, we see the Stevens family enjoying on their picnic. But suddenly, daughter hears a noise: it's a volcano. Junior seems worried—but have no fear, Junior. Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. [Jane uses a picnic blanket, covering her family] That's right, Jane—duck and cover. [lava passes through blanket, leaving family unharmed] So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting? That's right, duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye. [end of film]

Barbrady: Okay, any questions?

Chef: That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!

Mr. Garrison: Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

[During football practice, with Stan as quarterback and Chef coaching]

Stan: Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut -

Chef: HIKE THE DAMN BALL!!

[Meanwhile at Middle Park Elementary...]

Jimbo: Come on, Ned, and keep quiet.

Ned: Okay. [They climb over the fence and encounter...]

Jimbo: Hello, Enrique.

Ned: What are we doing here?

Jimbo: Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're gonna booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", boom![Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. [Enrique starts to tremble. Jimbo and Ned laugh victoriously] Goddamn, I love football.

Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. I'm sorry, little girl, but you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.

Kyle: Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelley. The next time she's gonna kick your ass, just tell her "Shelley, you're my sister and I love you."

Kenny(muffled): And I want to see you handling your breasts.

Stan: Sick, dude, she's my sister!

[Kyle's elephant and Cartman's pig get ready to make love]

Chef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.

[The pig is heard squealing loudly]

Stan: Ahh, suck!

Cartman: Fluffy!

Chef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.

Cartman: If a woman did that to me, I'd be all like, "Hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on your dad's bed!!!"

(the trio stare at Cartman in stunned silence)

Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?

Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

News broadcaster: It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually 8-year-old Stan Marsh of South Park. When asked why he was wreaking such havoc on his hometown, the little boy replied, "Me Stan, bachump, ba-chewy-chump, ba-chewy-chump." Back to you in the studio.

Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fatass too!

Cartman: That's right!

[Cartman realizes he's been insulted]

Cartman: AY!

Cartman: Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and, whoop! Shoved it up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip old chap.

Mr. Garrison: And where are you from, Damien?

Damien: The seventh layer of hell!

Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.

Pip: Oh, good day, Damien. My name is Phillip, but everyone calls me Pip, because they hate me.

Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.

Tom: Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]

Mr. Garrison: Arrgh!

Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?

Mr. Garrison: [throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!

Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.

Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamn father!

Mr. Garrison: I'm going to do what I've always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks!

Wendy: Stan, we're still Valentines, right?

Stan: Sure, Wendy, whatever.

Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?

Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.

Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend Stan.

Ms. Ellen: Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...