Archive for January, 2010

The President met with Republican congresspeople last week to call them obstructionist idiots, whiney cry babies who need changed, and meatloaf lovers. He raked them over the coals for several hours, while trying to jam down a turkey club sandwich during pauses in the action.

He then held out an olive branch of sorts and offered to have them participate in resolving the nation’s difficulties…as long as they keep their stupid ideas to themselves. “I see you GOPs as people who can ask good, respectful questions, challenging the real leaders on our ideas,” said the President. “You can also go get us coffee, and if you want to make a little extra money, perhaps shine our shoes. You know, you guys can probably get 10 bucks a pair, plus tips…could haul down a helluva lot of dough…hey, I’d pay 20 skins for a first-class shoe shine myself.”

The President chided them that they better help pass Health Care, or he would sign an Executive Order cancelling Health Care for all registered Republicans in government service. “Can he do that?” asked a junior congressman from Alabama. “Hey if these guys can whip up shady sweetheart deals for labor unions, and connive shams for certain pesky senators without legal repercussions, I guess they can do ’bout anything,” responded a senior colleague. The President told them that they had one week, no more, to get with the program…the cancellation order has been drafted and is sitting in his InBox.

Republican leaders reminded the President that they are in the super-minority, and were getting steamrollered by Democrats. Previous attempts by GOP members to even suggest a change or two were met with spit takes that just got themselves and their staffers soaking wet. “Nothing worse than getting splashed with coffee-laden drool from those germ-infested creeps…with all due respect, of course,” commented one congressman.

They also reminded him of the recent elections in Massachusetts, New Jersey, and Virginia with big GOP victories, suggesting that the President’s grand plans were fizzling with people. But the President brushed that off, placing blame on himself for not communicating his message well enough with those citizens. “There are some places in the country where people just don’t seem to listen well,” he said. “Call it ADD, call it multi-tasking overload, call it thick skull syndrome. But from now on, repetition, repetition, repetition…then when we think they’ve had enough, a repetition strudel for dessert.”

There was some confusion during the session when the President said, “I’m not an idea log,” which drew various snickers and cat-calls. For some odd reason, the audience thought he said “ideologue”, which would have certainly been an outright lie given his strong Marxist beliefs and his oft stated ultra-liberal positions that the government should run just about everything. But later he clarified, “I just don’t keep a chronology on every idea that comes my way. I have high-paid flunkies that do that for me…and do it quite will, I might add.”

When all was over, the President mingled with the crowd and gave big bear hugs to his adversarial colleagues. “Hey I still love ya’,” he said with a big smile.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

Attention all shoppers. For the next several months, we will be having a Storewide sale like you have never seen before. Everthing must go. Our people are ready to deal to move this stinky old garbage…err, I mean obsolete mechandise…off the dusty shelves it’s been sitting on, and out the door. We must make room for new stuff, and do it lickety split.

In Aisle 86, there are special close-out sales on Flakes of all types…corn flakes, potato flakes, grape nut flakes, cajun nut flakes, sugar coated snow flakes. One word of caution…these flakes may not be what you are used to. They are limp, soggy, noodle-like flakes that turn into a smelly mush when mixed with milk. But we’re willing to give you a 20% discount for caseload quantities. And remember, if you don’t like the taste, you can feed it to your dog or hamster. Act fast, because they are sure to be whisked away in no time flat. As you know, there are no returns on this merchandise.

In Aisle 31, we are trying hard to move out our Compost Fermenters. These units have traditionally been big sellers among the Green, Eco-friendly nerd-type customers. Customers can take all types of organic waste materials…yes, even the disgusting stuff… and shovel it into the unit, which will then just sit there without expending any energy whatsoever, and process the crud into a fertilizer-like product. The odorous methane gas produced in the process can be turned into energy with a small turbine generator, available at extra cost. While not for everybody, the turbine generator has been a popular add-on at our Beverly Hills store among clue-less customers who are awash in money.

In our Toy Department, we are overstocked with that new hit game, “Sleaze Bags”. This is a fun game for all members of the family, where players toss wet slimy bags of goo among each other, until the bag finally busts open and sloshes yellow horse-piss all over its victim…to the uproarious laughter of all the other players. It’s a riot.

In our Antiques Department, we are literally jammed to the gills with eclectic merchandise of all sorts. We have dozens of antique nose hair trimmers which make for great decoration, even though they don’t actually work anymore. We’re loaded with the old-fashioned suit hanger bags, and we’ll throw in a carton of old moth balls with every purchase. But take a peak at some of our antique furniture that can take up space almost anywhere in your household; all pieces come with doilies so you don’t have to dust as often.

So, hurry up and help us unload this stuff before it starts wreaking worse than the wreak-fest up to this point. Help yourself, and help your fellow shoppers purge the undesirables, so we can all have a better shopping experience in years to come.

The Bizarreville Skunksprays football team finished once again in last place with a pitiful 0-16 record. There will most certainly be plenty of handwringing and February quarterbacking about why their team is sub-dysfunctional and why their performance is litterbox-ready.

But after the last game of the year, Bill “Skinny” Skurff, the retired coach from Bizarreville High School, had the whole problem figured out. “The Offensive team does NOT like the Defensive team, and vice versa,” he said. “I mean, they really hate each other.” The coach went on to say that their mutual dislike prevents each side from focusing on what’s important, and ultimately stymies the Skunksprays from coming together as a team to become successful. “That, plus the players mostly suck.”

Video tapes of the seasons lowlights confirm that Skurff is right. In one game, after an inadvertent fumble by a runningback deep in their own zone, you can see the Defense coming onto the field flipping the bird to the Offensive players. Later, after the Offense drove 92 yards to score a touchdown, you can see the quarterback unloading the F-bomb on the Defensive line players resting on the bench. Then later in the game, when the score was close and the game was on the line, both sides were engaged in some “kiss my ass” banter, which ultimately resulted in a crucial Delay-of-Game penalty that became their undoing.

In another game, video tapes show both sides mooning each other during a TV timeout, while the opposition team members just watched dumbfounded in amazement. “What’s wrong with those idiots over there?” spouted the opposition quarterback, who later threw for seven touchdowns in an 81-3 win over the Sprays.

Coach Skurff said that if both sides could show more respect and truly work together to help each other, results would certainly improve. But they first must come down off their high horses, remove boards from certain crevices, develop a little humility, and start thinking of themselves as ONE team, not two teams. It’s called team bipartisanship… recognizing that Defense and Offense can be adversaries and see things differently…but can also find common ground. Each side has different roles, different skills, different ideas how to win. But acting as one team and all players executing their roles well, supported by coaches who build and bring people together could take them out of pathetic perrenial last place dwellers up to perhaps a solid “mediocre” level. And who knows….get rid of a few no-talent scumbuckets, replace them with skilled, smart players who don’t deficate in their own pants…and it could be conceivable that the Skunksprays could break .500, maybe not likely, but possible.

It’s hard to teach an old Skunk new tricks, so miracles are not expected. Bookies are giving short odds on another 0-16 season next year.

An epidemic of Yawn Flu was reported by hospitals nationwide last night. Doctors are puzzled by this sudden outbreak of cases that have numbered in the hundreds of thousands. Emergency rooms were reported to have been backed up several blocks long in the wee hours.

Normally considered a rare affliction, Yawn Flu forces its victims to yawn almost continuously, resulting in breathing difficulties. Causes are not completely understood, but onset appears to be caused by some kind of external force that sucks all the oxygen out of its victims. In many cases, the event seems to have been accompanied by an excruciatingly boring event that leaves an indelible pock mark on the victim’s brain.

The treatment that works best according to yawnologists is to lay the victim down in bed, strap on an oxygen mask, and have the victim watch non-stop Three Stooges reels, featuring Curly. Doctors say that Shemps are not nearly as effective, and are discouraged from use. A more controversial treatment is to play Jimmy Buffet songs in the background, put a couple parrots in the room, and load the victim up with frozen margaritas.

Recovery can often take several days or weeks before the boredom toxins are fully flushed from bodily tissues. And even after released, the victim can become reinfected by things as simple as watching a high school band perform during football halftime, calling a mother-in-law, or even waiting in line at a Starbucks. So caution should always be used to keep the victim as far away from boredom triggers as possible.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but you already knew that.

Many of the obscure cable networks are licking their chops at what could be a major, major ratings opportunity for them tonight. Programming chiefs are scurring to rearrange schedules and poring through their archives to find and offer their best programming material for this once-in-a-blue-moon special night.

The excitement began to brew when recent polls were released showing that a record number of people would NOT be watching the President’s State of the Union diatribe tonight. Viewership could reach the lowest level since the Eisenhower administration. Citizens who participated in Focus Group interviews showed frustration bordering on exasperation with the government’s ineptitude when it comes to listening to the voices of people on the major issues of the day: jobs, economy, jobs, health care, and jobs. Respondents said, “If these candy-asses won’t listen to us, then we won’t listen to them. Bring on the Animal Planet’s Greatest Hits. Bring on Paula Dean to give us a primer on the use of butter. Bring on that thrill-packed basketball match between WhoCares College and Bum F*$#! University.”

With all the major networks and many news-oriented cable networks committed to covering the boring State of the Union speech, the even boring-er Republican response, and the epitome of boring Talking Head analysis of what was just said, tens of millions of TV watchers will be power-pushing the remote button to find something, anything that would have just a modicum of interest.

Many obscure cable networks have sent emergency emails to their advertisers informing them that ad rates will be going up by 50% or more during this 2-hour time slot…almost like their version of SuperBowl Sunday. Not surprisingly, the networks have said they have gotten very little pushback on this hike.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Pundits in Bizarreville had been anxiously anticipating to have an Argument field day with the latest Supreme Court decision opening the floodgates for Corporations and Unions to dump bucket loads of cash into political candidate campaigns. Many feel this could greatly impact election results, by ushering-in the quid pro quo set with pockets full of cash ready to buy influence at discount prices.

But at a recent charity dinner attended by Bizarreville’s top CEO’s, it would appear there is not much to worry about. “They all suck,” spouted William O. Burff, Chairman of BizarroBank. “Why would we want to piss money away on those two-bit clowns? Would rather take the cash and use it as a wipe…at least that would serve one purpose.”

Gerald Funkshmitz, CEO of Bizarreville Rubber and Rubbers agreed. “If one of those guys from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour runs for office, say that Larry the Cable Guy fellow, for example…well then, yes, we would probably kick in some major dough for his campaign. The rest of those knuckleheads out there running? Just a bunch of friggin’ lawyers who missed becoming partners. Why would I trust those f*#*$!rs?”

The President of the IBEW local had similar statements. “If none of these bozos can figure out how to create more good jobs in Bizarreville, they can all go to hell. I’d be happy to buy them a 1-way ticket. Is that allowed in this stupid new law?”

The Bizarreville Chamber of Commerce Executive Director tried to counter this by saying that he was certain there would be plenty of other corporations and unions who will pony up bucks when push comes to shove. But as a true Chamber ambivalent professional, he later said he felt very strongly on both sides of the issue, and would fight with every fiber in his being to defend either or both points of view.

Meanwhile, pundits are throwing in the towel on this issue, and turning their respective rages on other screwball political matters on the docket.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.

Bizarreville Studios has just announced plans to begin shooting a new movie in Washington, DC. The movie will be another sequel to the Dumb & Dumber comedy series, with the working title “Dumbest, Period.” PR people at the studio say that it will be the funniest yet, with hijinx and situational bizarrity galore.

The script, which is still in development with new hiliarious vignettes being written every day from real-life antics, will be about the Obama administration fumbling around with new programs, rules, and pronouncements out the ying-yang, but they never quite figure out that the real problem is Jobs, Jobs, Jobs. Early in the movie, there will be a precious situation when the EPA Secretary tries to convince the President they will create 100 thousand new jobs with the so-called Cap&Tax program by increasing paperwork, permits, stupid reports, and general red tape. Laughs become side-splitting as former productive factory workers stumble along trying to fill-out meaningless paperwork with work gloves on.

Then, the Treasury Secretary persuades the Cabinet that increasing taxes will increase jobs…by intentionally overcomplicating the Tax Code, eliminating those bothersome Short forms, so that no one can fill out their own taxes. Hilarity is in abundance as regular Joes cuss, kick doors, and pee on the new forms before they finally throw in the towel.

But the best part of the story is when advisors keep telling the President that he should focus on Jobs…and within minutes, he develops temporary amnesia and keeps forgetting and forgetting. His Aides have him write down “Jobs” on a piece of paper, but he keeps losing the paper. Then he writes “Jobs” on his palm…but when he reads it back, he thinks it says “Joes” , and goes out for a seafood dinner. Comedy hits its climactic peak when a football stadium full of people chant: “Jobs, jobs, jobs”, but the poor President thinks they are saying “Slobs, slobs, slobs” and just gets pissed. The team on the field finally runs up to his box and dumps a bucketload of Gatorade on his head, as the scoreboard reads: It’s the Jobs, Stupid!! And everyone ends up dancing on the field to the final song: Take this job and shove it.

Casting is well underway. The Casting Director is looking for specific types of actors who can not only act dumb, but also just look dumb with a funny dumbness air about them…kind of like a 1950’s Jerry Lewis look. The Director would like to hire some of the real officials in the administration for some of the parts, because clearly they possess the skills and personal attributes they’re looking for…and would be perfect in the roles.

The movie has a fairly small budget, but no matter: They just plan to overrun it. Would you expect anything less?

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.

Reeling from the Massachusetts upset loss, the Libs and Obama administration coalition forces have been meeting almost continuously. Realizing that their Master Plan to nationalize the country’s Health Care system may go up in smoke, they have been frantically looking for alternatives. Insiders say that the goal is still to nationalize at least 16% of the US economy, equivalent to Health Care…so Lib leaders have charged underlings to get out and find a new 16%…fast.

Obama officials are initially focusing on Banks, a huge element in the economy, and ripe for nationalizing. The big banks have helped the President’s case by paying billions of dollars in bonuses and other perqs to the incompetent boobs that nearly bankrupted their companies…resulting in a public outcry. The administration has also done a remarkable job blaming bank freewheeling capitalist lending policies & ignoring accounting rules that triggered the 2008-09 economic collapse, which the gullible public has accepted as fact. Both sides of the aisle in Congress don’t like bankers anyway, so there might not be much resistance to nationalization.

The first step could be passage of some new tough financial rules, affectionately known as Rules of Obnoxion. The focus will be Punishment…punishment for making too much money, punishment for paying too many bonuses, punishment for executive desks too big, punishment for customer lunches too extravagant. There will be punishment for lending certain people money who can’t repay, and punishment for NOT lending certain other people money who also can’t repay. The new Bonus/Perq czar will work closely with the Lending Preference czar to ratchet up the pressure on the so-called fat cats. By the time it’s all over, they’ll be overjoyed to become nationalized.

But just nationalizing banks will not be enough to achieve the goal, and sources say that anyone and everyone is fair game in the Nationalization Lottery. One name that has popped up has been McDonalds Corporation. Investigations have shown that McDonalds has been selling 3 sizes of fries with different size packets. But it turns out that some restaurants put the same amount of fries in each one, regardless of packet size. When this became public, outraged customers just said, “Nationalize those sons of a bitch!” The company, scrambling, is considering Free Fries Fridays to prevent a stampede, and begin to repair its french fry reputation.

Opponents to Mac being nationalized point out that this would change the burger wars’ competitive landscape. “This new “Feddie Mac” subsidized by taxpayers could cut prices on Big Macs, or start handing out free Apple Pies with every order,” a burger industry expert said. “Burger King would have to find cheaper, lower-quality meat to stay competitive…citizens, chain your dogs.”

It is possible that the administration might just have to nationalize the whole burger industry, maybe throw in the chicken restaurant industry, too. Stay tuned.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

AARP announced yesterday that they have unilaterally cancelled the membership of Arlen Specter, the fumbling senator from Pennsylvania. The action comes as a last-straw from Specter’s latest action which they described as “profound numbskullness”. Specter was a guest during a recent radio talk show with Congressperson Michelle Bachmann where, at one point, he scolded and whined, “I’m going to treat you like a lady. Now ACT like one!”

AARP said they are proud to represent most all flavors of old people…geezers, cobweb collectors, geriatrics, grouch bags, mean old farts, and creaky basket cases. But Specter went above and beyond AARP standards for even mean old farts, and violated the idiot clause in the association’s bylaws.

This latest Specter-flub was just the latest in a series of bizarre antics, starting when he drifted into total confusion about what party he belongs in and what values he believes in. He then essentially flipped the bird at the party that had supported him without even a courtesy phone call. Then there was his infamous Town Hall meeting where he chided his own constituents who had the audacity to want their voices heard. Even the Democrats are keeping their distance from the guy. “He’s a vote,” commented a party spokesperson. “That’s about it in terms of our interest.”

But a congressional medical authority weighed in on the situation, “It’s not that unusual. This guy has been serving in a totally dysfunctional Congress for decades. And with his lack of core values, he has had to swing back and forth, go around and around, and incur enormous stress just trying to decide what to do every day. Clearly, that has caused irreversible brain softening, which now appears to have shut down his ability to reason. Rather than criticize, we should all feel sorry for him…and find him a home somewhere.”

AARP has said that it is sympathetic to his brain softening condition, but it must protect its reputation, and the reputation of its huge membership. “If the public begins to think we’re all a bunch of Specteroids, our organization will cease to be taken seriously and lose the political punch we’ve garnered over decades of work.” The association is assessing the rest of its 80-plus agers to determine if there are other Specteroids out there that will need to be purged or rehabilitated.

AARP has said they will return a prorated portion of his dues. And as a further act of compassion, they will send Specter a packet of brochures where he can get some psychological help at a 20% discount.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

General Electric today announced that it had applied for Obama government bailout funding, citing extraordinary unexpected financial difficulties. Sources say that their difficulties all stem from its NBC division having to pay Conan O’Brien and his staff $45 million to not show up to work. It had been rumored that NBC might easily qualify for bailout funding, stimulus funding, or some kind of earmark funding which could come out of a special bucket for companies adept at sucking-up to the Administration.

But the Obama bailout czar suggested that the well is dry, and that GE should just put O’Brien to work mopping office floors, cleaning toilets, and restocking shelves at 11:35 pm every night. “Put a couple cameras on him, and just call it the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.” He proposed that they keep his staff busy dusting furniture, emptying garbage, spraying pest control, and washing windows all night…cancel the cleaning crew.

It is possible that the O’Brien camp might consider that option, considering the difficulty he may find trying to land another show with another network. Television experts say that there is already a plethora of pathetic unfunny nitwits in the Telesphere, hardly room for one more… let alone a guy who just got fired from a job in 7 months, from a show whose average tenure of predecessors was 25 years. “He could always change his shtick to drama: maybe Conan MD, Hairmeister NYPD, or Desperate Talk Show hosts.

The GE spokesman said he was disappointed in being turned down for bailout money, and that the company would need to seek alternate financial help. He remarked that the Conan payoff was just a small piece of their difficulties. “About 50 NBC executives will need to get the boot after this fiasco, with untold golden parachute costs. Then there are the rehiring costs of a whole new team of execu-bozos who will need to doll up their offices, stock up their mini-refrigerators, and load up on gold-plated staplers and business card holders. Yeah, it’s more than just Conan.”

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Security agents have the Capitol locked down as they put together the pieces to better understand the disastrous incident early this morning. All are shocked and puzzled in disbelief as they look for mops to clean up the mess.

It all started when Nancy Pelosi, the spaced-out Speaker of the House of Ill Repute, was given word of Scott Brown’s stunning victory in Massachusetts. Sensing the world as she knew it coming to an end, she started flipping out, foaming at the mouth, and acting like a total imbecile. Normally that would not have been considered too unusual for her. But then she started to faint, with her eyes rolling back into her head. A top aide instinctively, without thought, reached for a bucket of water and doused her from head to toe.

Pelosi started fizzing and fizzling, becoming enveloped in a turquoise fog, then started literally melting away right on the spot. Within one minute, she totally dissolved into a puddle of green goo on the floor. All that was left was her ever-present broom and pointy black hat drenched in 2 quarts of green slop. Bystanders just stood by with jaws dropped. Her final gurgled comments were, “Et tu, my little pretty?”

Democratic congresspeople have been desperately trying to figure out how to reconstitute her. Some are reading and re-reading all the novels of L. Frank Baum to see if there are any hidden deliquifying instructions embedded somewhere. But others are just standing around like a box of rocks trying to figure out what to do next…directionless.

Meanwhile, the EPA called in its Hazardous Material Unit to quarantine the area with red danger tape and don moon suits. The EPA inspector indicated that it was likely Congress would be issued a Notice of Violation and sizeable fines for an unpermitted hazardous spill…an outcome of the Administration’s orders to toughen enforcement.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.