Hear ye, hear ye and y’all and you and thou and everybody, we’re the medical cartel and we rule your lives, but we really care about you, we really do, we like you.

So here’s the deal, especially now that we have the glorious Affordable Care Act. During the course of your lives, we’ll diagnose you with 50 or 60 or 70 (we’re shooting for 100) disorders and diseases, most of which will be fake.

But you’ll get drugs! Everybody wants drugs, right? Who cares what they are, leave that to us. These drugs will create new symptoms, and when you come back to us…