Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Dear Ocean Spray: You may want to talk to my son and stay away from old folks

Reece is talking to me on the way to the city and it sounds like he's pinching his nose shut.

"Is there a box of Kleenex in the backseat? I think you need to blow your nose," I suggest.

After creating a ginormous pile of tissue on his lap he tells me "I think I have nasal congestion."

"I think you're right."

"You know what I need? Ocean Spray," he throws out there.

"Really?" and now I'm confused, however this isn't a surprise as it happens A LOT.

"Yes. You spray it up your geezer."

Wow. This made me almost swerve off the road. Why? Why do these things ALWAYS happen when I'm driving?

"That sounds uncomfortable," not to mention illegal...and now I need to keep him away from old folks homes.

"Well, not right up your geezer. But just up the nasal so you can breathe fresh," he explains.

"Ahhh, that sounds...better."

Not. It SOUNDS like the colonoscopy from Hell.

And I've NEVER seen that on an Ocean Spray commercial. I must not get that channel... Sick bastards.

Diablo III...Hell for the Other Guys

This is my youngest son's perspective on playing a co-operative game. I'm guessing he's not going to grow up to be a hippie...just a guess.

"What's good about having a friend in this game is you can stand back and let them do all the fighting," he tells me as I see his 'friends' get annihilated.

"Just throw 'em to the wolves, huh?"

"Mhmmm..."

The Doorway to Narnia...or Wherever too Much Booze takes Ya

My Mom bought a new-to-her wine cabinet and it is AWESOME. It's old and looks like something that belonged to Grandma...if my Grandma wasn't cheap and a little bit crazy.

"I love that cupboard! It's like that one they use to get to Narnia, but without the creepy fur coats," I tell my Mom.

"You mean a wardrobe?" she asks.

"Yes! The wardrobe!"

"Except ours is filled with wine."

"That just makes it MORE awesome. And we'd still be able to talk to lions - it's just a matter of having enough."

"I need to finish filling it," she reminds me - as I'm in the way obsessing over our magic wardrobe.

Now I'm thinking we need a sign. A picture of a giant wine bottle with lines at different levels, like a measuring cup. THIS much to see lions, THIS much to see guys with goat feet and THIS much to see talking gophers.

Fucking brilliant! I bet I could sell them in bars. I may need a patent...

A Brief Norse "History" if You're not Picky about Facts

My youngest son comes up to me with knowledge blazing in his eyes...and by knowledge I might mean vague guessing, you be the judge.

"Mom, I know how Vikings got horns," Reece tells me.

"Really? How's that?" I ask.

A mistake, possibly, but I have this problem...it's called ZERO CONTROL.

"They took the horn of an animal, then they dug out the middle," he begins.

"Ewww." (Yes, I should have known better. Hindsight is a bitch.)

"Then they put something on the pointy end so their lips wouldn't touch anything icky."

Because we all know how sanitary Vikings were.

"Like Purell?" I guess.

"No. Like leather," he tells me.

"Ahhh."

"Then they put a ring of gold around the other end."

"How incredibly fancy!"

"Yes."

You heard it here...snag yourself a Viking. They have fancy horns AND they're a tidy folk.

Keep your Beezer Nice and Fresh

"Oh sick! I just got water up my nasal cavity!" Reece announces as he comes out of the bathroom.

Seriously, I have NO idea where he comes up with this stuff.

"Oh?" I dare to ask.

"What's a nasal cavity?" asks Kaelan.

"It's a nose hole," Reece explains.

"I was brushing my teeth, then rinsing - like this," then he starts rattling his head madly back and forth.

"Oh I hear ya," I reply, because honestly it's all I can think of without laughing (or sarcasm).

"Well, at least my nose is all fresh."

Yay for the silver (and minty fresh) lining!

And How does that Make you Feel?How about hearing impaired???

"Sometimes I feel like a dwarf."

My youngest son blasts me with this information in the CAR...while I'm DRIVING...because he wants to KILL ME.

And all I can think is that at least this is going to be an entertaining way to crash.

"Do I look like a dwarf?" he asks.

"No. You don't look bulky or hairy," I tell him.

And HERE is where the family hearing issues rear their ugly (and entertaining) head.

"I'm bonky?" he asks, somewhat fascinated.

"No! I said bulky or hairy!" I laugh.

Oh, but this was not the end.

"Bulky or beery?" he asks, COMPLETELY baffled. "What's beery?"

Oh my God. Note to self: clean his ears.

"I don't know! I said HAIRY!""I'm not hairy," he tells me with this totally offended look on his face.Screw it...be a dwarf - I quit.

Friday, 5 April 2013

Leveling Up my Mom Magic'Cause I Kick Ass that Way

I've been playing Skyrim on PS3 and it is completely KICKASS. There is nothing quite like meandering though another world in armored undies to put some zip in your evening.

I KNOW...nerd. You can say it.

I'm a girl in my game, a COOL girl with uuber skills (at Level 27 - let it be so).

So, when I'm yanked from my awesomeness to deal with real-life salesmen at my door, I'm a little slow on the uptake.

Door-to-door salesmen wanting to hawk their spiffy alarm systems to save me from gangs of marauders and pirates and angry villagers with pitchforks... To top it off I'd get a SIGN for my yard! Oooh, if only some asshole wouldn't immediately steal it (but the alarm system doesn't alert for that - I checked).

I actually wanted to use my shout of Unrelenting Force on him to blast his ass off the deck...but then I remembered I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE THAT... Damn.

So, instead I told him it was okay, I had large dogs with big teeth...and looked over my shoulder.

So he left.

Fast.

Maybe I AM magic.

Mom - Level 30 something.

How NOT to Keep an Eye on the Dog

Our Bulldog, Tasha, is grounded...and maybe so am I. This is what you DON'T let the dog do while your mother is out. She doesn't appreciate it...neither does Shaw...apparently.

I'm going to guess this is NOT like fibre - and want to be very far away when the whole "what goes in must come out" thing goes on...

﻿

She apologized, but what can I say?

Shit...literally.

Get Me a Patent...STAT

We're on a road trip to the Citay - cruisin' in the SUV and the weather is F-I-N-E = fucking amazing for once. I'm loving it. (Can you tell I'm sick of winter?)

My oldest son, not so much.

"Ugh! I can't SEE! I need a blanket!" he's yelling as he stuffs his jacket up against the window (before he bursts into flames).

"Maybe one day if you stop breaking your glasses we can get you those Transition lenses," I tell him.

"What's a Transmission lense?" he asks.

Before I can correct this, his brother pipes up "Oh, I know!"

However, in the brotherly battle this just isn't done.

"Wait! I know, I know! Transmission is like Temperature," Kaelan guesses.

"That's right, K. Just like your babies name - Temperature (that Temperature is a doll). It's the same as Transmission," explains Reece.

Wow... It was all SO fast - my mouth just hung open.

Now I'm thinking they'd be like the Harley Davidson brand of the glasses world: Transmission Lenses - FOR METEOROLOGISTS.

"Are you a badass weatherman? Try Transmission lenses and NO ONE will accuse you of being wrong..."

That shit is BRILLIANT.

April is Autism Awareness Month

You may have seen the commercials, seen it on Twitter or Facebook, but now you get to see it HERE! YAY! Even better, I know.

These are my sons - they are fantastic in EVERY single way. You'd never know it, but they are both on the Autism Spectrum. What an amazing gift, yes?

We are aware everyday and hope for acceptance, inclusion and understanding.