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Archive for March, 2012

I’m finally catching up to the rest of the world and have figured out my New Year’s resolution for 2012. I know…ridiculous that it’s almost April and it took this long to pin it down. And if I hadn’t been in denial about my (extremely) less-than-fabulous figure, I would have probably gotten on this thing a lot sooner. The problem is that somewhere deep in my brain, I still think I’m 22 years old and have the ability to eat and drink whatever I want without gaining an ounce.

Believe it or not, up until a year or two ago, that was pretty much the case. I could down a family-size bag of kettle chips and a king size candy bar without gaining as much as gram or two. And if I did gain a couple ounces, I’d tweak my snack intake, walk to the mailbox a few extra times, and within a couple weeks the extra weight would slide off.

My friends kept warning me: “Watch out! After you turn 40, all of this will change.” And it did. But because I refused to believe my evil bathroom scale (and because of my love for powdered sugar donuts, snickerdoodles, and Heath Bars), I closed my eyes to my ever-expanding waistline and continued to feast.

For a while, I tried to talk myself into believing that there are real benefits to my newly acquired muffin top physique.

Along with my car’s airbags and seat belt, my newly expanded gut will help protect me in case of an accident.

My new gut also doubles as a TV tray. My Danish rolls and lattes balance nicely on my muffin top while I kick back on the sofa to watch “Seinfeld’ or “Dance Moms.”

A few pieces of strategically-placed duct tape along the muffin top line allows me to create an excellent lumbar pillow out of myself.

No need for a life jacket while out on the lake boating! The few extra rolls around my middle will serve as an excellent flotation device.

It will be a lot easier to land my dream job of mall Santa next holiday season.

I almost had myself convinced that my new shape could provide me with an extra level of safety and comfort….until I recently tried pulling on a few different pairs of my favorite jeans. The task had become not only uncomfortable, it was downright hazardous because it was evident that I was in danger of becoming an amputee. My pants were so tight, they were cutting off circulation to my lower extremities.

Therefore, my belated New Year’s resolution for 2012 is to shed a few pounds. So for the last few weeks I’ve been torturing myself with exercise a 4-5 days a week and I’ve also cut out pastries, donuts, chocolate (with the exception of the 10 Cadbury Mini Eggs I ate today after a stop at the grocery store), cookies, cheese, and other delicious high-calorie favorites. And so far, I’ve lost a whopping 3 pounds (sometimes it’s 4-5 pounds if I can find just the right spot to place the scale on our uneven bathroom floor). Whoooppeee. I’m almost able to wedge myself into my jeans again without having to dial 911.

Now that I’ve altered my diet and have started to exercise, I think I need to boost my metabolism, don’t you think? It should would make this quest a lot easier. I’ve heard rumors that almonds, grapefruit, and green tea can help with this. But I would love feedback from my viewing audience. Has anything worked for you? Any foods that you simply “can’t live without” while watching your diet? Please . Help Me. I’m in danger of becoming an air bag.

And by the way, Happy New Year!

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