Nonviolent Communication by Thomas d'AnsembourgAnd Why We Are Alienated From Ourselves

Violence, expressed within or without, results from a lack of vocabulary. It is the expression of a frustration that has no words to express it.

I have no words to describe my loneliness, my sadness, or my anger. I have no words to speak my need for exchange, understanding, recognition. So I criticize, I insult, or I strike. Or I have my fix, abuse alcohol, or get depressed.

And there are good reasons for that; most of us have not acquired a vocabulary for our inner life. We never learned to describe accurately what we were feeling and what needs we had. Since childhood, however, we have learned a host of words. We can talk about history, geography, mathematics, science, or literature; we can describe computer technology or sporting technique and hold forth on the economy or the law. But the words for life within . . . when did we learn them?

As we grew up, we became alienated from our feelings and needs in an attempt to listen to those of our mother and father, brothers and sisters, schoolteachers, et al.: “Do as Mommy tells you . . . Do as your teacher says . . . Do what is expected of you . . . Be kind to . . ."

And it was thus that we started to listen to the feelings and needs of everyone — boss, customers, neighbor, colleagues — except ourselves !

To survive and fit in, we thought we had to be cut off from ourselves.

One Day The Payment Comes Due For Such Alienation!

Shyness, depression, misgivings, hesitations in reaching decisions, inability to choose, dependence on the opinions of others, difficulties to commit, a loss of taste for life. Help! We circle ’round and ’round like the water draining from a sink. We are about to go under. We are waiting for someone to drag us out, to be given instructions, and yet, at the same time, recommendations aren’t exactly welcome! We’re snowed under with “You must do this . . . It’s high time you did that . . . You should . . .”

What we need most of all is to get in touch with ourselves, to seek a solid grounding in ourselves, to feel within that it is we who are speaking, we who decide and not our habits, our conditioning, our fears of another’s opinion.

How To Reconnect With Ourselves

The first step is to observe and then to identify our feelings. Our emotions are like waves of multiple feelings, pleasant or unpleasant, that are useful to identify and distinguish. It is useful to identify our feelingsbecause they inform us about ourselves and invite us to identify our needs.

Feelings operate like a flashing light on a dashboard, indicating that something is or is not operating properly, that a inner need is or is not being met.

Here is an example: I am driving my car along a country road, and I may find myself in one of the following three situations:

I am driving an old car with no control panel, like a Model T Ford of the early 1900s. I’m driving along confidently, using up all the reserve gasoline and have no concern for my need for gas (since there is nothing to alert my awareness). Sooner or later I run out of gas in the middle of the countryside—no signal, no awareness of the need, no power to act.

A more conventional scenario: I’m driving a modern-day car that has a fully equipped dashboard. At some stage, my gas gauge shows me that I’m on reserve. So Icomplain: “Who forgot to put gas in this car? It’s simply unbelievable; it always happens to me! Isn’t there anyone besides me in this family who can think about filling up?” I complain and complain, so much so that I’m totally absorbed by my complaining and fail to see all the gas stations I drive past. Sooner or later I run out of gas in the middle of the countryside. There had been a signal, I became aware of the need, but I undertook no actions to remedy the situation. I devoted all my energy to complaining and seeking a guilty party and someone on whom to vent my frustration.

A scenario advocated by Nonviolent Communication: I’m still driving a modern-day car that has a fully equipped dashboard. The gas gauge shows that I’m on reserve. I identify my need: “Aha, I’m going to need fuel, but I don’t see a gas station right now. What am I to do?” I then take concrete and positive action. I will be alert to the next gas station I come across. I’ll go there and take care of my need. I provide the rescue service myself. Being aware of the need I have voiced, I awaken myself to the possibility of coming up with a solution. The solution does not occur immediately, but as I have become aware of the need, there is a much greater chance I will come up with a solution than if, as in the first scenario, I have no awareness.If I sorted things out myself by filling up, this doesn’t mean I’m going to forgo my need for consideration or respect. Back home, I may say to my teenage child or spouse: “I’m disappointed at having had to fill up after you used the car (feeling—F). I have a need for consideration of my time and respect for having loaned you my car (need—N). In the future, would you agree to filling up the tank yourselves (request—R)?”

Most of us nowadays are to a large extent cut off from our feelings, and we are almost completely alienated from our needs. A key reason for us to be interested in identifying needs is that as long as we’re unaware of our needs, we don’t know how to meet them.

The Method : Observation - Feeling - Need - Request (OFNR)

The head symbolizes mind. The main beneficiary of our educating is the mind. It’s the mind that we have honed, toned, and disciplined in order to be effective, productive, and fast. Yet our heart, our emotional life, our inner life, has not enjoyed such attention. Indeed, we learned to be good and reasonable, to make well-thought-out decisions, to analyze, categorize, and label all things and place them in separate drawers. We have become masters of logic and reasoning and, since childhood, what has been stimulated, exercised, refined, and nuanced is our intellectual understanding of things. As for our emotional understanding, it has been encouraged little or not at all, if not overtly reproved. Through this traditional way of functioning, which sets mental processes at a premium, we are cut off from our feelings and emotions by something as effectively as by a concrete slab. If one day I was very angry and expressed it, I might hear something like: “It isn’t nice to be angry . . . A good little boy doesn’t get angry . . . Go to your bedroom and come back when you have thought things over.” Back to reason. I thought things over with my head, which wasted no time in judging me guilty: “It’s true, I have no right to be sad. I have a father, a mother, brothers and sisters, books for school and toys, a house, and food. What am I complaining about? What is all this, this anger? I’m so selfish. Useless idiot!” So I then cut myself off from my heart and put my anger in my pocket and went downstairs to redeem my place in the family community by displaying a contrived smile. Most of us nowadays are to a large extent cut off from our feelings, and we are almost completely alienated from our needs. I sometimes like to say that a concrete slab separates us from our needs. We have been taught to try to understand and meet the needs of others rather than listen to our own. Listening to oneself has long been synonymous with sin, or at least egocentricity or navel-gazing: “It is not right to listen to oneself like that. Oh, another person who listens to himself.” The very idea that we might “have needs” is still very often perceived as problematic. Now it’s true that the word need has often been misunderstood. It does not mean a passing desire, a momentary impulse, a whim. We are referring here to our basic needs, the ones that: • Are required simply to maintain life. • We meet for the sake of balance • Relate to our most basic human values: identity, respect, understanding, responsibility, liberty, mutual aid. By formulating a request, or making a practical and negotiable proposal for action, we free ourselves from the third “concrete slab” that hampers us and prevents us from taking steps to meet our needs. By making a practical request, we release ourselves from the often intense expectation that another person should understand our need and accept the “duty” or challenge of meeting it. Such an expectation can last a long time and prove very frustrating.

Now, concretely, how do we put this in practice ?

1. Intellect / Observation (O)

We are reacting to something we observe, we hear, or we’re saying to ourselves

The cornerstone of the method being recommended here is making observations that are as neutral as possible, without judging or interpreting: State facts (quotes, body positions, facial expressions, tone of voice) just like a camera would. We have to be so attentive to how we “enter” into conversation with another person.

2. Feeling (F)

The above observation generates within us one or more feelingsAfter observation we need to identify the feeling that has arisen within us in that particular situation.

3. Need (N)

The feelings guide us to our needs

Once we have identified the feeling(s), we need to identify the needs that have made this feeling(s) arise.

Aware now of our needs, we can make a request or implement concrete action

Once we have identified the need we can formulate a request to answer that particular need. It should be formulated as follows:

Concrete in an identifiable time and space, otherwise it often looks to the other person like a threat. The other person wonders if he or she will have the capacity to survive such an expectation and remain themselves, maintain their identity, and not be swallowed up by the other person.

Expressed in negotiable terms (otherwise it ceases to be a request and becomes a demand; we then fail to establish the quality of connection we wish to have): “I would like to know if you would agree to putting your things away now.” This stage is the most difficult: accepting that the other person may not agree to what we want! It’s worth remembering that often, as long as our needs are not recognized, we make them into requirements: “Go clean up your room immediately!” This is not a negotiable request but a demand that doesn’t leave the other person free. So either the other person will submit, or they will rebel.

It’s worth remembering that we are often caught in the binary-thinking trap. Not knowing either how to listen to another’s need without ceasing listening to our own or how to listen to our own need without ceasing listening to the need of another, we often terminate the relationship. We cut off the listening primarily to protect ourselves. When I perceive listening to another’s need as a threat, I cut myself off from it and flee, or I take refuge in silence.

Concrete example 1

To make the process easier to understand, here’s an abridged example:

I observe that my friend has not spoken to me since the beginning of the meal and has left the room without speaking (O).

This observation generates a feeling in me: I feel concerned, irritable, helpless (F).

This complex of feelings shows I have a need: I need to know if something is wrong, need to understand, and perhaps need to be ready to offer my help (N).

In practical terms, my request, my action, will be to check how he feels—to see if he has concerns and if I can do something to lighten his load (R).

I approach him, saying, “When I saw that you left the room during the meal without speaking (O), I began to feel concerned (F), and I would like to know if something is on your mind and if I can help (N + R).”

This is a formulation that may appear naïve and somewhat impractical in ordinary life! It could be made more plausible and less academic by saying: “It seems to me that you are more quiet than usual. Is something wrong?” What I observe is that this way of “opening” a conversation, approaching an issue without judgment or interpretation, not only makes us better disposed to listen to the other person, it also extends an invitation to the other individual to talk to us from the heart about what they are feeling, without any sense of being criticized.

Concrete example 2 - "You are so sloppy!"

Let’s imagine you’re a twelve-year-old child. You come home from school about four in the afternoon. It’s raining. The bus was late, and your mother welcomes you in the first thirty seconds with:

“You always leave your shoes on the stairs. You’ve thrown your jacket on the sofa and your backpack into the middle of the living room. Anyone would think you’re the only person living in this house! Go and clean it all up, and be quick about it! And while you’re at it, your room is like a war zone. You can clean that up too, right now!”

Ask yourself how you feel now, and see what state of mind you’re in.

With children, I often receive one of the following two reactions:

“Well, if she screams like that, I’m certainly not going to clean up anything. I’m going to get mad. And it won’t be any fun. Both of us are going to sulk the whole evening.”

“Well, I won’t have any choice. I’ll put my stuff away. But I’ll make sure I slam all the doors, bang my feet on every stair up to my room, and turn my boom box all the way up (with the music she hates most) to get back at her.” (The latter would be an illustration of the classic passive-aggressive response.)

I then suggest to the schoolchildren the substitute formulation below. The circumstances are the same. It’s four o’clock in the afternoon. It’s raining. The bus was late. Your mother welcomes you, saying:

“When I see your shoes on the stairs, your jacket on the sofa, and your backpack on the living room carpet (O), I feel sad and disheartened (F) because I took so much time and energy cleaning up the house, and I need respect for the work I do and would like others to cooperate in keeping the house clean (N). I would like to know if you would agree to clean up your things now (concrete, negotiable R)?” I usually get one of two reactions: “Well, if my mother always asked me to do things like that, I would do them right away.” “Why?” “Because I hate being told to do things without any reason. But if I’m told why and am given the choice, often I do with pleasure what I’m asked to do. I like the house to be clean and neat when I come home.”

Exercise

Try the following exercise: observing without judging, then listening to what is happening to you in terms of feelings and needs:

Do not say:

“You’re late; it’s always the same with you! You can never really be relied on.”

“You are such a loser! You’ll never get anywhere. You’re just a hopeless case!”

Say rather:

“We had an appointment at eight in the morning. It’s now half past ten. (O).”

“I feel angry and worried (F).”

“I need to understand what’s happening, to be reassured that I can count on you in the future (N).”

“Would you agree to talk to me about that now (R)?”

“When I look over your school report and I see F for math, D for chemistry (O) . . .” “I feel really worried (F).” “I need to know that you see there is meaning in studying these subjects, that you enjoy learning, and that you feel well-integrated in your class (N) . . .” “And I would like to know if you would agree for us to take time to talk about how you feel and what you want in this regard (R).”