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Would you correct this composition?

Hi, it's me again. What do you think about this composition?

Point of View: “Dictators vs Democracy”

Dictators are out of fashion these – every one wants democracy instead. But does democracy work?
In my opinion the democracy success depends on the politicians. In our country the politicians always make promise and when they arrive to the government forget and break their promises. Apart from that, most of the politicians are trying to steal our money to make their life better. In spite of that activity, their ask to an international bank for a money to support the country bills, but they only spend 20% or 30% to pay it and the rest thay use it to increase their bank account. What is worse this politicians never left the politics, so our country always have a few “bad politicians”.
However, the are a lot of young politicians that are try to make the politic better. This politicians are working for the country because they believe that our country would be better if it have a better management. They believe that we have a big power to become an important country.
In conclusion, if the new politicians grow up and replace the old class, our country will be better.

Regards.
Alejandro

PS: Sorry, but I've problem in my Internet access, so it's probably that I submited this question few times.

Re: Would you correct this composition?

In my opinion the democracy success depends on the politicians. In our country the politicians always make promise and when they arrive to the government forget and break their promises. Apart from that, most of the politicians are trying to steal our money to make their life better.

In my opinion, the success of a democracy depends on its politicians. In our country the politicians always make promise to get elected, but after they get into office they break those promises. In addition, most politicians are trying to steal our money in order to enrich themselves.

In spite of that activity, their ask to an international bank for a money to support the country bills, but they only spend 20% or 30% to pay it and the rest thay use it to increase their bank account. What is worse this politicians never left the politics, so our country always have a few “bad politicians”.

One example of political corruption is international loans. The politicians might get a loan from an international bank to pay the country's bills, but they only use 20% to 30% of that money they way they are supposed to, and the rest they use to increase the sized of their bank accounts. What is worse is those politicians never leave politics, so our country always has a few bad politicians.

However, the are a lot of young politicians that are try to make the politic better. This politicians are working for the country because they believe that our country would be better if it have a better management. They believe that we have a big power to become an important country.
In conclusion, if the new politicians grow up and replace the old class, our country will be better.

However, the are a lot of young politicians that are trying to make things better. These politicians are working for the good of the country. They believe the country would be better off with better management. They believe that we have the potential to become an important country. In conclusion, if the new politicians grow up and replace the old class, our country will be better off.

You can't use in spite of unless you are going to contradict a previous statement in some way.