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1.18.2016

Hillary: I Want to be Why Americans Can't Have Nice Things

LAST UPDATED @ 3:24PM (1.18.2016)

Hillary Clinton declares her wealthy handlers have gone through the numbers with her, and she is convinced the United States cannot afford to use American tax dollars to provide American citizens with "nice things" her rival Bernie Sanders wants to provide like healthcare as a human right and 100% government subsidized state college tuition for academically qualified students.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Democratic presidential campaign of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton followed up last night's debate by asserting its candidate would make sure Americans continued to be unable to "have nice things." Secretary Clinton addressed the press this morning and explained her wealthy donors would never allow her to give all Americans healthcare as a human right, effectively regulate the financial sector, solve mass incarceration causes like for-profit prisons and mandatory minimum sentences for drug offenses, and a whole host of other things much poorer countries were able to provide for their citizens.

"Yeah... So my rich donors, and effective handlers, are not going to let me do things like allow free state college tuition for academically qualified students, or reduce student debt, or break up the financial institutions that caused the 2008 financial collapse and prevent them from using money in your bank accounts to invest in high-risk ventures," confessed Clinton, who shrugged indifferently.

Clinton continued, "Do you have any idea how much that kind of stuff will cost my extremely wealthy friends? They like paying twenty-five cents for every dollar poor and middle class Americans pay in taxes. You know, if they can't find a way not to pay taxes using loopholes or hiding their money off-shore, which they usually do."

"I'm not even in favor of common sense policies like legalizing and taxing marijuana. I have also changed my mind on the whole universal healthcare thing, and no longer believe all American should have healthcare," disclosed Clinton, who kept repeating the phrase "this stuff is just not going to happen if I am president."

Secretary Clinton nodded when an unidentified member of the press asked is she was still considering a switch to the GOP, and added, "America cannot afford the nice things much poorer countries provide to their citizens. My bankster friends keep going over the numbers with me, and they just don't work."

"So remember, a vote for me, Hillary Rodham Clinton, is a vote to make sure I am the reason Americans can't have nice things. Vote for Bernie Sanders for a far less corrupt and pessimistic vision for America's future," asserted Clinton.