Steven Johnson: Where Good Ideas Come From: The Natural History of InnovationReally intrigued by the title. Fabulously diverse in examples. If you ever felt like a square in round world, this book will make you sing for joy because that's what life is about--growing, moving, evolving.... The book is much stronger for being in Science section and not restricted to business innovation alone.

Technorati Profile

Dec 15, 2006

Still Fearless

I got tagged twice, by Tom and Jill, to write about five things you don't know about me as if I don't already blurt about myself enough. (Alright, alright, next post.)

And I realized yesterday that anything of any import isn't solely about me. The juicy stuff, the beautiful stuff, the poignant stuff, the wrenching stuff, the real stuff is always in the context of relationship. And that involves other people and their privacy, and I can't write about that and that's why I lean more and more each day toward fiction-writing.

I am writing from a very
raw space right now, as my heart broke open wide yesterday. Well at least another centimeter crack. Spontaneously streams of tears fell down my face. I'd been holding back a lot. Yeah, it's about relationships. Could look
at that as bad or good, it just is what is so this moment, and in many ways I feel clearer because of it.

Yesterday I curiously found that I didn't have anyone to turn to that wouldn't or didn't say "I told you so." So it was just me alone with my emotions. I found myself turning to spiritual books (I've been trying to go cold turkey ;-)) and to prayer. Behold I find the pages where my teacher Adyashanti is explaining how his life fell apart after his first awakening:

"It wrenched out of me all of these images, all of these personas that I gotten used to being - a good person, a nice person, the helper, all of that stuff. It ripped them out of my system and showed me that they were false and phony, and the only reason that I wore them was because I was afraid of not wearing them. Who would I be without them?... And the tearing out wasn't easy, and it wasn't fun, but the end result was simply fantastic. Looking back, that set me up for what I would call my "final awakening."" - Adyashanti, Emptiness Dancing

I realized I was getting my humor back (a very good sign) when I chuckled to myself, "Great, I've just 5 1/2 years more to go of this tearing-out process if I'm on Adya's schedule." (No there's no specific timeframes, as it's not about time.)

I'd rather not write this in many ways. But as this blog is about creativity, creation, and creators and visionaries, I thought I'd attempt to clarify for what it's worth. I write because I see women particularly hold back, period. And hold back their gifts. And, I know, I am
one of them.

Few women will talk publicly (many confide one-on-one to other women) of rape, of sexual abuse, of
sexuality, of power, of money, of repression, of the unabashed surge of energy overflowing over the brim... and
how it affects their movement in the world. I am grateful that one of the five things that Jill Fallon shared was that she hid in the bakery basement she worked at once because of a stalker.

Oh, yes, this should have been front and center and in big bold letters in the last post too: "The whole human mechanism is just love incarnate, creativity incarnate." - Adyashanti

This post is not about ultimately about sexuality or power, but it is interesting that it is read that way.

It is however about energy, about life, about not resisting that
surrender to Love. As the formless potentia manifests into energy and
when it passes through the second chakra, yes it feels highly sexual.
As it passes through the third, it feels powerful. Oh, why why stop
there? Usually the energy is stopped cold right there in most
individuals. So what I am writing about may be slightly foreign if it
has not been directly experienced. Foreign, yet not unfamiliar, it is
as primal to our essence as original bliss.

There are few women that have not had an eerie/scary experience of
sexual abuse, rape or close-calls with date rape. I have a few of my
own stories. All involve men I trusted, twice they were fatherly
figures, but not family. The last time, I'd just gotten to Oaxaca from
spending a workshop with Miguel Ruiz at Teotihuacan, the Mayan ruins
known as 'the place where men go to become gods.' I was so open,
vulnerable, and loving that I radiated that. It is a simple mistake to
interpret that all-encompassing love as being directed specifically at
anyone in particular. Anyhow, I was hanging out with one of the guys
working at the hostel. Without going into details, I was extremely
lucky to talk some sense into him as I was in a very precarious
dilemma. I snuck out of the hostel before dawn even though I'd paid the
length of my stay.

So, usually we take that experience, and women especially, we tell
ourselves it is dangerous to be vulnerable, dangerous to be open,
dangerous to be loving, dangerous to have anyone else in the world ever
ever pick up that I am radiating joy and abundant overflowing love
without end. Look what might happen, does happen. Because somewhere
deep inside us, we knew we will also be vibrating something highly
charged, highly erotic. Look up the etymology, it goes to Eros, the god
of Love.

Truthfully, what happened in Oaxaca, was that I didn't trust it yet.

I was wary and I was already imagining that it wasn't wise to be
traipsing through Mexico City by bus and then Oaxaca solo with that
kind of openness. So it was a measured openness. The true openness
knows no defense...who would you be defending against? Your own Self?
But I was scared to walk that way in the real world. Still in many ways
am, but I was totally there in April, May, June because I was in that
blissful 'drunk on enlightenment' stage of my process.

The crux of the matter, is that energy, nope, it is not sexual. Yes,
it is sexual too, but god that would be a travesty to constrain it to
such a small fraction of its intensity. It is Life itself.

This is not a women-rule or a men-rule kind of blog. I am not into
the thing about women being sexual slaves, yada yada. This power I
speak about is not about women, not about men, not about you, not about
I, it's bigger than that and you don't own it, cannot possibly possess
it. Thankfully.

Yes, of course, many times this power scares the bejesus out of
me...that's why I wrote this!...but that's when I fall into trap of
thinking it's mine or I need to do something with It which is
overwhelming because it is infinite. When I stop scaring myself, it's
simple - it's just available. I don't need to contain it, understand
it, manage it.

I know who "How Do Co-Dependent People Behave?" is. It's a 'friend'
worried about my mental health. If I had a quarter for every man that
thought I was losing it lately, ah....

Well, anyhow, have you ever noticed that men don't tell other men
that they are over-sexed? I have been told I am over-sexed. Most quote
over-sexed unquote men, now this is a hypothesis I'm testing, seem to
be overmonied too. They are comfortable with this surge and they don't
block it because it is not 'safe'.

Now, if I were to squash that energy and I MOST definitely have the
first 37 years of my life, poof, my creativity would diminish, my power
would diminish, my intuition would diminish, my vitality would
diminish, my connection to Source would diminish. The sacral chakra is
a vital lifeline. Blocking it to stay 'safe' is not the solution.
That's called a very slow dying...

If one gets the impression that I sleep around, you've missed the
WHOLE point. Once you let the energy rip through you (and it is a
roller-coaster at first), it is really okay. Almost like a craving that
just evaporates. You can have the chocolate-chip cookie dough ice
cream, or leave it. But you aren't driven wild by the forbidden
temptation of wanting ice cream, but forcing yourself not to want it.
The allowance of the feeling unleashes the tension. And the choice is
now coming more from a place of deeper quieter urge to connect, not a
ravenous hunger.

And let's say if it is about sex:
"Sexual activity between two harmonious individuals who are of equal
vibration and who have harmonious intent, can greatly accelerate the
spiritual sensitivity of both. Each comes away from the encounter with
a strong magnetic field which is a part of the partner with whom they
have shared. In those who are monogamous in their relationship, and
whom have remained firm in their commitment, we find that this is so
strong that it is extremely beneficial and powerful as a pathway to
spiritual growth. The light, simply put, becomes strong and pure. The
subsequent incarnation will be one of great light because the entity
carries this balance." - Lama Sing