#2
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst and I’m probably gonna kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a Tropical Paradise.NewDadNotes / Via twitter.com

#3
[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.themiltron / Via twitter.com

#6
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
woodmuffin / Via twitter.com

#7
adam: [naming the birds] t*ts
god: lol ok but let’s take this a little more seriously
adam: blue-footed boobies
god: you can’t name all the birds after bo*bs
adam: [pointing to rooster] cockShen_the_Bird / Via twitter.com

#8
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*thedad / Via twitter.com

#9
god: okay tiny animals youre ready to be in the world!!!
ants: yipee!! yay!!!
god: okay lets make the anteater now
ants: the what diet-tampon / Via tumblr.com

#10
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?NewDadNotes / Via twitter.com

#11
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?NewDadNotes / Via twitter.com

#17
Mammoth: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Dinosaurs.
God: [pocketing money] how do you want it done?
Mammoth: make it look like an accident.
God: I’ll hit em with a rock.
Mammoth: what? no I said an accident.
God: a big ole space rock.NewDadNotes / Via twitter.com

#18
God: you’re gonna be beautiful your whole life.
Butterfly: yeah I better be.
God: [to Angel] I don’t like his attitude make him an ugly hairy worm for half his life.NewDadNotes / Via twitter.com