Friday, February 23, 2007

"Turns out a lot of people endure lives that are cages of sorts – they have grueling, mind-numbing work; they spend time with selfish relatives; they are lonesome. Me, I put myself in a cage by thinking task instead of pleasure . . . I worry that I don’t have whatever synapses you need to anticipate fun.”- Amanda Robb, “Hi, My Name is Amanda . . . and I Might be an Alcoholic.” Oprah January 2007

Frick.

One of the inherent dangers in getting close to other people is that eventually they are going to see your sh*t. And even if they don’t call you on it, you both know it’s there.

Not that I am getting close to Oprah or anything. But close enough now that with every magazine issue, she seems to bear my soul, saying, “You’re valuable, but really, what the hell is wrong with you?” And I always end up saying, “I don’t know.” And plus I add “Why do you have to be Oprah magazine? That sounds so lame. And get your stupid picture off of the color of every issue. You're so egotistical.”

But there it is.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I struggle with having fun. And when I do have fun, I struggle with guilty feelings over the time that I had having fun which could have been put towards some better more cosmic purpose. I physically CANNOT relax. I can’t just sit and do nothing. Echoes in my head of people telling me I can’t waste one minute for Jesus haunt me constantly. Sleeping in makes me feel like a heretic. And somewhere, somehow I got this impression that doing something you don’t want to do is far more valuable in terms of spiritual disciplines and heaven points than something that you do want to do. If I ENJOY ministry, then something is wrong.

My life is pretty regimented. Those who know me well know this too. Why do I need to book activities a week in advance? Because that way I know I won’t waste a single minute of my life to frivolousness. That I will have the maximum amount of impact on this world.

Even my weekly Sabbath nights are structured in ways which purposefully suck all of the fun out of everything. Do this, now do this. Don’t feel like it? Too bad! Discipline, discipline, discipline. I am a very disciplined individual, but not an especially happy individual, and I am beginning to think that these are connected. Even when I sit to watch TV, it is only for a specific time and ONLY because it is in my list of “things to do.” Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to do it. When I am on the bus, and I am too tired to read, I try to read anyway, otherwise it is wasted time.

This is insanity.

It occurs to me that as much as I have struggled against it, I still find worth in what I do rather than who I am. My language and actions prove this over and over again. I’m not quite sure how to combat this.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Last night I splurged and bought a ticket to go see David Suzuki at the Walker Theatre. It was STELLAR.

I took some pictures with my camera phone, but they didn't turn out too well, which isn't surprising. I got 3rd row. I think he even spit on me once which made me excited. Just kidding.

It is so inspirational to hear somebody of his calibur speak about his passion so succinctly and so clearly. He's such a great man, so gentle yet at the same time so strong in his demands on government and citizens to do their part. He makes lots of sense.

I wish I could tell you specifically what he said that was so great, but everytime I put it in my own words, it sounds sort of silly. Such obvious things. The environment is our responsibility. We NEED to do things TODAY to protect our climate for our children and for humanity itself. It is our obligation to live up to agreements such as Kyoto and others. And he was very insistent that we make these changes through politics (among other methods). National policies and laws dealing with the environment are the only way to create the change that is needed.

Friday, February 09, 2007

If we are following Jesus, we cannot wait for the perfect community. It was while we were yet sinners that Christ allowed his body to be broken for us...Our commitment to one another in community can be no less than his: 'This is my body broken for you.' - F. Kefa Sempangi

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Darwin's Nightmare is a movie about humans between the North and the South, about globalization, and about fish. Hosted by the SCM and The Council of Canadians, my two NGO love affairs. 7 pm on Thursday February 8th at the UofW, 1L13. It's a maze, if you want to come let me know and I'll meet you somewhere.

No pressure, though. I'll still be your friend, no matter if you come or not. :-)Bre

Monday, February 05, 2007

Blog. Poopsie. It's been a great time, and you are a great person. really. REALLY. There's just some things that I think are hindering our relationship, and I want to bring them up.

1. Why did you not tell me that I posted the same quote twice in one month? Nobody can be inspired TWICE by the same quote in such a time span. I need you to be honest with me, as I am honest with you, dear blog. Why did you allow me to make such a fool of myself?

2. dear blog. Blog of all blogs. You never take me out anymore. It's always "let's stay in the office, we can type together. that's my favorite." dear blog. I feel we are in a rut. Can't we spice it up a bit? go dancing maybe? Catch a movie? Surf some social justice type sites? Our relationship is getting a little bit stale.

3. This is hard to bring up, blog. But i found lipstick on my keyboard the other day. Are you cheating on me?

Enough of that sillyness. Onto more important matters. Here is a quote that I am 98% sure I have not yet posted:

"I do not think the forest would be so bright, nor the water so warm,nor love so sweet, if there were no danger in the lakes." -Hyoi, Out ofthe Silent Planet, C.S. Lewis

Danger is a part of life, folks. Pain is a part of life. I think I am speaking to myself. whoops.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.' Do I fear being poor, in spirit or otherwise, and prefer to be rich in brains, money, or influence? Is my desire for poverty of spirit congruent with my lifestyle? Do I use the word of God to rationalize my lifestyle, or am I willing to have God's word criticize it? Do I cling to my own ideas, opinions, and judgments sometimes to the point of idolatry? - Doris Donnelly