Piece of Ham

Diary of a Loser Beauty Queen

(that’s not a first place trophy)

When I was younger, I was all about putting on performances. I loved the spotlight. I’d sing, I’d dance (badly), I’d dress up and do impressions, I’d put on magic shows, basically anything to entertain people. But for some reason, when it came to doing it for anything other than fun, I’d choke. I didn’t do talent shows or anything (well, I did one and sucked) because I’d take one look at the audience and almost pee in my pants. You know that feeling – your heart thumps the crap out of your chest, you get all sweaty, and you completely forget everything, I mean EVERYTHING, you’re supposed to do or say. That always happened to me. Any time I’d try something for real and not just for fun.

I still do that even as an adult. It’s like I’m scared of success and the pursuit. My focus on failure and all the other negative aspects of a situation always consumes me until my desire for the prize becomes bigger than my fear. It’s just plain annoying.

Fear is just this sucky little thing that ruins everything with potential. Relationships, jobs, opportunities. It’s so easy to be scared. Living in Nashville, I’ve been fortunate enough to meet a lot of cool people, many of them being performers. Any time I watch them on stage or they tell me about a show they did, I like literally get nervous at the thought. And it’s not even me we’re talking about! Truth is, it’s because I wish I could do it. I love to sing and I’ve loved music since I was little. My mom sang in a band and I’d dance around at all her shows and fall asleep under the stage. And in Georgia, I always said that once I got to Nashville I would give it a try. So, I’m here. Not trying. Why? Because of fear. I think sometimes our biggest fears are initiated by our biggest desires. Sometimes we just have to be scared. Because the only thing that can happen when you’re already scared is for it to go away.

I’m not trying to sound like some self help guru because this isn’t a success story, just a life-in-progress blurb. I still get terrified of so many things. But I can share with you some words that help me from the best life guru out there:

2 Timothy 1:7 – For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

John 16:33 – These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Hebrews 2:14 – Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil;