Question- BPD

I am seeing a psychiatrist for depression and I will get a formal diagnosis soon, but until then I would like to ask some questions.

My doc said that I have depression (I've had that since I was a teenager), and she thinks I could have a personality disorder. I know she's talking about BPD. She won't diagnose me because she's only seen me twice.

I have severe depressive episodes when I go off my SSRIs. I have underlying dysthymia but also major depressive episodes on top of that. I do have periods of self injury. I haven't done that in a few years. I pick at my skin, and have to wear long sleeves because my arms are so bad. I am extremely sensitive to criticism. A small comment will send me spiraling into a horrible depression.

I have anxiety, mostly social. Sometimes I go into a weird state of mind where I think people are all out to get me. I feel physically ill and fearful of people in general. Not sure if that is psychotic. That state of mind disappears when I am on my meds.

The reason I do not think I have BPD is because my relationships are generally stable. I've been happily married for almost 10 years and am close with my family. But, I also have those times where I feel crazy, and I hate everyone, and I feel like everyone hates me. I have times where I cannot stand to be around my family. Once I even seriously considered taking my daughter and leaving town, and there really was no reason for that. I also can't work because there is always a crisis with coworkers. (Usually they hurt my feelings and I quit.)

It could be BPD which is not the end of the world, trust me on that. I thought it was when I was diagnosed with it a few years ago. I have learned to live with it. You could also just have BPD traits without the actual diagnosis of BPD. I like to think of it as a different way of thinking from most people... my filter is skewed. As you said, sometimes I feel like everyone hates me and cannot stand to be around people. You sound lucky to have a stable romantic relationship but it sounds like you have very unstable work relationships. BPD affects different aspects of people's lives differently. They say people with BPD have job instability but I have have the same career for over 10 years. I know what job I enjoy doing.

All this to say that if you are diagnosed with BPD it does not mean the end of the world. It just means that you now would have an explanation for why you think and feel the way you do. There are books and research on this personality disorder and there is hope for living a more normal, happier life.

It sounds like you might have BPD traits. It's never a good idea to willingly pin yourself down with another burdensome diagnosis too soon, which is what I've gone over with my psychiatrist before. Having BPD and BPD traits is pretty different, like Amasita said. I personally identify with having BPD traits and not full-blown BPD... and to me, it's more fortunate to have traits vs. the very severe full-blown problem. For some people the disorder can be very intense. A distant relative has it and they had to go to a psychiatric hospital for months for the disorder, so it is not always easy to deal with, just as many personality disorders can do that.

Your sensitivity is definitely BPD oriented in accordance to others things you pointed out. I am the same. One small criticism and I am withdrawn, hurt secretly, or very angry with the person who did it to me. Like you, it seems that I am hateful of family the most which happens oddly with many BPD sufferers I've had contact with... maybe because we feel the people who are closest to us have no right to 'betray' or hurt us, and then we get very vengeful when we feel attacked by them.