Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Some long overdue Kijiji Action

Update 11/24/11 6:30PM: I'm over 100K hits! Man, that is insane. I was sent this link of some guys doing a charity fundraiser who were reading my ad online. I can't believe the number of people that have responded... Feeling pretty awesome right about now!

Update 11/24/11 7:04AM: I have a lot of email. Hooooboy, have I got email. And over 30,000 hits on the ad! On the downside, I have to go to work. On the upside, the new snow plow guy came and I don't have to shovel anything! Huzzah!

Update 11:32PM: So I've stayed up waaaaay too late replying to emails and generally riding the viral wave that my ad has become. I'm over 8600 views (really wish Kijiji would update more often...), and I'm getting emails from as far away as Sydney, Australia. The emails are still coming in, though not as fast and furious as they were earlier this evening.

I'm up to two offers on the snowblower so far, but neither was where I was hoping it would be. Maybe I'll start putting together a portfolio and offer that along with the snowblower. "See the Briefly Internet Famous Snowblower!" That sort of thing.

All righty, 66 unread emails left in the mailbox. I really need to sleep now, so we'll see what the morning count is. On a side note, this has really hurt my NaNoWriMo numbers.

Original Post

After many remindersconstant nagging much encouragement from my lovely wife to get the snowblower sold, I finally got off my butt and posted an ad on Kijiji.

So far, the reaction has been pretty good! Over 1400 views as of this evening, so that's encouraging.

For posterity, here is the text for the ad:

Do you like shoveling snow? Then stop reading this and go back to your pushups and granola because you are not someone that I want to talk to.

Let’s face it, we live in a place that attracts snow like Magnetic Hill attracts cars, only that ain’t an illusion out there. That’s 12 inches of snow piling up and, oh, what’s that sound? Why it’s the snow plow and it’s here to let you know that it hates you and all the time you spent to shovel your driveway. Did you want to get out of your house today? Were you expecting to get to work on time? Or even this week?

You gave it your best shot. You tried to shovel by yourself and I respect you for that. I did it, my parents did it, some of my best friends did it. But deep down inside, we all wanted to murder that neighbor with the snowblower who was finished and on his second beer while you were still trying to throw snow over a snowbank taller than you are.

So, here we are. You could murder your neighbour, which could ensure that you won’t need to shovel a driveway for 25 to life, but there are downsides to that too. What to do?

Here’s the deal. I have a snow blower and I want you to own it. I can tell you’re serious about this. It’s like I can almost see you: sitting there, your legs are probably crossed and your left hand is on your chin. Am I right? How’d I do that? The same way that I know that YOU ARE GOING TO BUY THIS SNOWBLOWER.

I want you to experience the rush that comes with smashing through a snowdrift and blowing that mother trucker out of the way. The elation of seeing the snow plow come back down your street and watching the look of despair as your OTHER neighbour gets his shovel out once more while you kick back with a hot cup of joe (you don’t have a drinking problem like that other guy).

Here’s what you do. You go to the bank. You collect $900. You get your buddy with a truck and you drive over here. You give me some cold hard cash and I give you a machine that will mess up a snowbank sumthin’ fierce. I’ve even got the manual for it, on account of I bought it brand new and I don’t throw that kind of thing away. Don't want to pay me $900? Convince me. Send me an offer and I'll either laugh at you and you'll never hear back from me or I'll counter.

You want a snow blower. You need a snow blower.

This isn’t some entry level snow blower that is just gonna move the snow two feet away. This is an 11 HP Briggs and Stratton machine of snow doom that will cut a 29 inch path of pure ecstasy. And it’s only 4 years old. I dare you to find a harder working 4 year old. My niece is five and she gets tired and cranky after just a few minutes of shoveling. This guy just goes and goes and goes.

You know what else? I greased it every year to help keep the water off it and the body in as good as shape as possible. It's greasier than me when I was 13, and that's saying something.

You know how many speeds it has? Six forward and two in reverse. It goes from “leisurely” slow up to “light speed”. Seriously, I’ve never gone further than five because it terrifies me. I kid you not, you could probably commute to work with it dragging you.

You know what else is crappy about clearing snow in the morning? That you have to do it in the dark. Well, not anymore! It has a halogen headlight that will light your way like some kind of moveable lighthouse (only better, because lighthouses won’t clear your driveway).

Oh, and since it’s the 21st century, this snow blower comes with an electric starter. Just plug that sucker in, push the button, and get ready to punch snow in the throat. If you want to experience what life was like in olden days, it comes with a back-up cord you could pull to start it, but forget that. The reason you’re getting this fearsome warrior was for the convenience, so why make it harder on yourself?

By this point, you’re probably wondering why I would sell my snowblower since the first snowpocalypse is upon us today. I’ll tell you why: because I heard it was time for you to man up and harness some mighty teeth and claws and chew your way to freedom, that’s why.

man I love humor, ads, writing but you have shown taste, talent and power to change (life).. wow hehe thankfully I saw your story on the news here last night, and searched on google for it now to see why the fuss- it is a must..you busted it ..well done!

Hey, Weh-ming! I thoroughly enjoyed reading your kijiji ad and am amazed by all the attention you and the ad have received. Wow! I always knew you were a funny guy and it's great to see the rest of the world experiencing your humour. Merry Christmas to you and your family! - Deidra

All I have to say is thank you for putting your creative writing skills out there for the world to read an giving us something worth watching on the news. I don't think I speak just for myself when I say it is certainly nice to have something on there other than all the depressing world events that are going on. A world-wide laugh was long over-due in my opinion, I laughed so hard I nearly peed (not currently an on-going issue that requires attention...sometimes it just happens), I still read the article from time to time and I still laugh equally as hard as I did the first time I read it. I believe I was somewhere around #33,487, after laughing the whole time I was sad at the end that 33,486 people got to laugh before me, of course I had to share it on Facebook as well. I had shared it with my sister 1 day too late or she would have made you an offer on it, however a much less enticing ad lured her in before I had the oportunity to share your masterpiece with her. I'm glad it has been sent to "a good home". If you're still charging $1 for laughs then I'm in debt roughly $40,000 to you...my apologies. Merry Christmas to you and yours :o)

Weh-Ming Cho recently stirred up a flurry selling his east coast snow blowing menace. I have a west coast reply to his ad and a better idea - buy this magic golden doorknob and ditch your stinking, noisy snowblower relationship for one with this property. This doorknob faithfully, keeps several months of snotty slush and eye-lash seizing cold at bay. Divorce your snowblower, save the snow and ice for the polar bears and ride your Tauntaun west to Errington lotus land while there’s still space. This doorknob will open a portal to paradise - kick back and enjoy your beer on your green lawn in your shirt sleeves with the barbecue on. Take a deep breath and inhale in the pure air devoid of snowblower fumes, but scented with flowers and enjoy the marked absence of snowblowing racket. Review your heating bills and flaunt them to your ex-snowblower. The true path to ecstasy heads west. Lounge on the beach or enjoy the vibrant forest of giant mossy trees and amazing waterfalls. Nature’s at your door step and city amenities are within easy reach, including a university, huge library system, sports complexes, airport and a space-time portal.

This paradise home is 2700 sqft, with two levels, cloud 8 and 9. There are three bedrooms with walk-in closets so big, you might land in Narnia if you crawl under the coat rack. Then there is an office so you can email photos of you sunbathing on Christmas day. There is an upstairs sitting room so you can watch the eastern snowstorms on TV, or listen to the radio report while soaking in one of the two tubs. There is a spacious cathedral ceiling living room so that you can put on a cozy fire and pretend its snowing outside. Invite your relatives from the Hoth ice planet to stay in the cute 720 sqft cottage (log post and beam inside, pottery sink, claw foot tub) or rent it.

In the Garden of Eden, the trees grow like fur so you can’t see your neighbours and they’re all nice so you wouldn’t want to murder them even if they did have a snowblower. When you touch the door knob, you enter a time warp and arrive at a community where neighbours still look out for each other - in fact there is a “Hi Neighbour Day” and quirky parade. At the Christmas concert you can watch 16mm films like “The Snowman” accompanied by the local choir.

Flip your phone to Moncton weather and gloat over the snowblowing craziness. Don’t marry your snowblower and let it pull you around - I hear they bite if you try to kiss them. Show who’s boss and buy this door knob (magic limited to its existing location.) BUY IT and never whine about winter again! Don’t be a snowblowing knob. Save the snow before it goes extinct! Go ahead ...turn the knob and enter nirvana.

P.S. Do you really want snow? Head to the mountain where 16 meters of snow smothers small chalets. Spend your time playing in it, not blowing it around. For more details visit: http://susanforrest.homesandland.com/Listing.cfm?MagId=ANY&ListingId=16609995&WebsiteId=74174