Highlights from Yesterday’s James Comey Testimony

In an event billed by the media as “the Super Bowl of Washington,” former FBI Director James Comey testified before the Senate yesterday regarding allegations that President Trump tried to influence the FBI investigation into Russia’s involvement in the 2016 election. In case you missed it, here are some highlights from Comey’s testimony:

Comey felt that Trump did not fully understand what relationship the FBI Director should have with the President, nor did he understand how investigations are handled, what the FBI actually does, what he should be doing all day as President, or how the government makes all the laws happen.

Comey expressed doubts regarding Trump’s private claims that he had found the Triforce in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, as everybody knows that you can’t get the Triforce in Ocarina. Trump’s claims that his uncle works for Nintendo remain similarly unverified.

In regards to the awkward, now-infamous private dinner at the White House between Comey and Trump, Comey stated that he sent the President a text later that night saying he thinks they should stay “just friends” and then kind of ghosted him for a few weeks.

Comey was asked about former Attorney General Loretta Lynch’s handling of the Hillary Clinton investigation, bringing back memories of a time when we naively assumed that improper email storage procedures would be the biggest problem facing Obama’s successor.

Trump did confide to Comey that he had murdered a Russian prostitute in a drug-induced rage and that he feared Vladimir Putin’s regime may have kept her body as leverage against him, but Comey did not feel Trump’s behavior amounted to anything as severe as obstruction of justice.

Comey’s testimony was interrupted by Donald Trump’s theme music and signature pyrotechnics as the President entered the Senate chamber and brawled with the former FBI Director.

The event lived up to its nickname of “the Super Bowl of Washington” in the sense that, like the “Big Game,” testimonies before Congress regarding Trump’s gross improprieties will probably become an annual tradition.