Tag: Body Image

*If anything I say in this post is phrased problematically or is problematic itself, please let me know so I can learn – I strive to be better and do better always when it comes to body politics and intersectional feminism

I devoured the book, finishing it in three sittings. I could have finished it in just one sitting, but I took notes as I read, jotting down my favorite quotes. I took my time because the book was something I needed to experience, not just read.

Lately, I haven’t been feeling too great about myself. Every time I look in the mirror, I find myself unhappy with my reflection. This has been causing my depression to kick in, my anxiety has been telling me that my partner is going to leave me and is not attracted to me, and the best part – my eating disorder has been trying to devour me. And I’m trying so fucking hard to keep my head above water.

A few months ago, I became single for the first time in eight years. During those eight years, I developed and began recovering from my eating disorder – a disorder that left me with a very, very complicated relationship with my body.

The first time I had sex was relatively close to the start of my eating disorder, just a few months before I reached my lowest weight. I was sixteen and sex was awesome. At first.

I’m writing this post for two reasons: to help me better understand my thoughts, and to help my partner better understand my thoughts. Although, I’m not sure if I’ll ever ask him to read this.

There are three things I’m worried about: my partner’s well being, my own well being, and our relationship’s well being.

My partner and I have been together for a few months. He recently lost a lot of weight and I recently gained a lot of weight – the reasons are more complicated than black and white. He knows that I am recovering from an eating disorder, but I’m not sure he understands exactly what that means.

Let me preface this by stating that I am an average, “healthy” weight and considered thin by society – I have thin privilege, and do not in any way speak for the fat community. This is just me discussing my own thoughts and opinions, and I would love to hear (and encourage you to share) your thoughts on this subject.

[This is a pretty personal post, reflecting my own thoughts and experiences]

A few days ago, I made another failed attempt at opening up to my partner about my eating disorder. The failure wasn’t necessarily on my part, though – but I guess I can’t really blame him for not understanding the situation at all or how to respond or handle it.

I ended up noticing this horrific fact:

My life is going great. I have just graduated from college with two bachelor’s degrees, I got into graduate school, and I landed an awesome graduate assistantship position. I have a partner who loves me, a handful of supportive and amazing friends, and a family that I wouldn’t trade for the world. My first nibling is even joining my life in the next few months. And yet I am not happy nor am I proud of myself.