Friday, 15 June 2012

There is no more hockey on TV, so I instead watch a bunch of freakishly tall and awkward men try to throw an orange ball through a hoop more often than their reprobate opponents. The Basketball playoffs are in their final round, with the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Miami Heat knotted at one game apiece in the best-of-7 series.

And with Basketball on my mind, I am going to vent my hate towards LeBron James.

Don't get me wrong, you'd have to be a sociopath(I guess that doesn't rule me out) to legitimately hate someone you've never personally met, but there are just so many things about the man's disposition and actions on and off that court that make me want to punch a puppy. Probably a Chihuahua. They're ugly anyway.

Now, the man has plenty of haters–I have a ton of company in this noble crusade of mine–and you often hear the usual complaints about him:

He's Immature

He hasn't won a championship yet

Has seemingly ZERO ability to perform in the fourth quarter

These laments are all fine and dandy, but I want to zero in on one specific thing that drives me bat-shit crazy–His headband. Now, alopecia is no laughing matter, and I am certainly not poking fun at hair-loss,(One look at my old man and I know I will have a larry-davidesque shiner in 5-7 years) but LeBron James has gradually tilted his headband higher and higher as his career has gone on, trying to mask his receding hairline, to the point that it almost doubles for a chin strap.

That has Rotated more than Betty Crocker's Lazy-Susan

LeBron, you're a man. Just accept that your sweet shave is getting smaller and smaller in diameter. Do not try to hide it with smaller and smaller headbands. Your forehead is getting so big you could throw a wig on and call yourself Tyra Banks. Which could be a good idea. You might want to look for a career change after Kevin Durant puts you in his back-pocket and takes the championship, and Tyra does quite well standing around looking pretty. Just pretend it's the fourth quarter of a big game and the rest should come naturally for you!

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

For his second order of important business, Marc Bergevin will have to select an impact player with the third overall selection at the 2012 NHL entry draft in Pittsburgh. This will hopefully be the first of many moves designed to overhaul our pathetic forward crop left behind by Pierre "the ghost" Gauthier.

Personally, I want Galchenyuk. I don't want a defenseman, because as surprising as it is, I like our defence corps moving forward. PK, Tinordi, Beaulieu, Mac Bennet, Diaz... Not so bad. So we need a forward, and as the title of this blog hinted to, Gauthier (and Gainey) have left the Forward cupboard so bare it would be considered lower-class in Detroit.

We aren't getting Nail Yakupov, because he's going first. So that leaves Galchenyuk and Grigorenko as far as top-end forward talent is concerned. Grigorenko has been reported to posses more skill, but there are concerns with his compete level and work ethic. As Habs fans are all too aware, Russian skill combined with a less-than-stellar work ethic does not a team leader make. (*cough* Kovalev *cough*)

And so, Galchenyuk, barring a surprising scenario in which he's gone by the time Montreal picks, seems to be the best pick the Habs can make. A big, strong centerman with a heavy shot and winning attitude. Hey, I'll take him over Gomez.

Then again, I'd take Snoop Dogg on April 20th to center our power play over the Mexican-Alaskan waste of cap space.

So Marc Bergevin has been appointed the Canadiens new General Manager.

Well slap my ass and call me Susan.

This happened over a month ago, and let me tell you, I was very pleased with the selection. Probably because Pierre McGuire was reportedly the next closest candidate. If the habs had hired that bald, monster-obsessed, walking-hockey-database moron to run the greatest franchise in hockey, I would have traded my Canadiens jersey for an LA Sparks sleeveless. (Yes, that's a WNBA team, and yes, I would have doubled their fanbase.) But, I digress.... Bergevin has received glowing reviews from past-teamates, coaches, and other hockey figures. As well, he's fresh off being the assistant GM for a team that won the cup just 3 years ago, is charismatic, and by all accounts appears to have a strong hockey brain.

SO WHY THE HELL DID HE HIRE MICHEL "WELCOME BACK!" THERRIEN TO COACH?

It didn't work out last time, why would it now?

Sigh.... I hope this season doesn't cause me to consistently turn the TV off after 2 periods again.

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About Me

I am an exasperated, unrealistic Habs fan currently attending the University of Alberta. I use the term exasperated pretty liberally there. I'm 19. I realize cubs fans lived 80 year+ lifetimes without seeing them win. Still, I want a cup, and I want it NOW.