Compassion Is Key To Surviving Loss Of Child

March 20, 1991|By ROBYNE R. COOKE Staff Writer

Whenever a child of any age dies, a parent goes through a lengthy grieving process. Knowing that other people are going through or went through the same emotional upheaval can really help ease the pain, says Dee Moore.

After losing her son, Matthew, to a terminal illness when he was 3 years old, she discovered a group called Compassionate Friends. ``A lot of people are trying to remain composed. It's so painful for so many people,'' says the Grafton resident, who started attending the monthly meetings in 1987.

After her third meeting, she realized that there were other people who actually loved their child as much as she did. Talking about Matthew helped keep him alive in her heart. ``It helps knowing you're not alone, they are normal feelings,'' she says.

The group, which has members from across the Peninsula and nearby areas, offers support and friendship to any bereaved parent, regardless of race, creed or economic situation, says Irene Collins, group secretary.

Collins stresses that Compassionate Friends meetings are not a therapy group, but rather an opportunity for healing to progress slowly and gently as parents gain insight and understanding to their loss and emotions.

Founded in England in 1969, Compassionate Friends meets monthly and parents are not expected to talk or participate in discussions until they feel ready. The first United States chapter was organized in 1972; the Peninsula chapter has been in existence since 1985.

Though Moore says membership varies greatly due to people leaving the group when they feel comfortable with their feelings, the meetings average about 10 to 30 people.

Some members lost a child years ago, but have joined now to resolve still confusing emotions. ``That seems to be the key to the meetings - talking about it,'' says Moore.

Discussing dreams that won't come true now for your child and the way the child died often helps. ``Each individual has their own time line and will experience different kinds of things,'' says Moore, who now, as a co-leader of Compassionate Friends, helps other overcome their grief.

The meeting are actually open to siblings, friends and grandparents as well as the parents of the deceased child. Some meetings are very emotional, which does keep some people away, she says.

Guest speakers include representatives from Riverside Grief Counseling Services, ministers and school counselors experienced in helping parents deal with the problems their other children may have.

A quarterly newsletter, which is received by about 500 bereaved parents, contains poems, announcements, articles about the grieving process, telephone friends and meeting topics, says Collins.

In this way, parents can read about other parents' experiences, says Moore.

``Many of us want our children to be remembered, so you share your child with other people. It is without a doubt, a compassionate friends group,'' says Moore.

Compassionate Friends meets at 7:30 p.m. on the first Monday of each month at St. Luke's United Methodist Church, 300 Ella Taylor Road, Grafton section of York County.