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Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Kissing Strippers On The Mouth

How Could One Resist?

I have a new found love for Oreo Cakesters. These delicious little snack cakes rank right on top of my list of all time most delectable treats. I find myself usually eyeing them down after a round of golf, as we make the pit stop in the gas station to get something to snack on for the car ride home. Do I get one pack, or two? Three cakesters, or six? Why does life have to be so full of tough decisions? Now, every once in a while the decision is made for me, when I see that glorious advertisement "Two for $3.00"! Go ahead and stick a fork in me, IM DONE!

This brings me to my topic. Men fall victim to this atrocious happening every night. Myrtle Beach is known for quite a few things. First thing, golf. Secondly, the wide variety of "shoe shows" along the vast metropolis that is Horry County. 14.6 million visitors flock to Myrtle Beach every year, 14.5 million of them will enter a strip club. Its a fact, I read it on Wikipedia. Here is the situation. You are down visiting the Grand Strand with some buddies on a golf outing. You have been on the golf course all day, sticking to a strict diet of Coors Light and Three Musketeers. You wrap up the horrendous round of golf and go back to the condo to "powder up". After happy hour at a waterfront locale, you make the move to one of Myrtle Beach's many skanky stripper dwellings. Pour Some Sugar On Me is vibrating through the speakers, the lint on your favorite polo is shining from the black light and Anastasia has cuddled up in your lap for the last few songs, trying to talk you into a more "private" setting for the two of you to get to know each other. That 11th kamikaze shot has talked you into giving in, your heading to the Champagne Room baby! Two hundred dollars later, your thinking this girl really does like you. For some reason, yet to be found out, you desire to take the relationship to another level. R. Kellys "Bump N Grind" comes on and you just feel it in your..............heart, that its time to make that move. "I don't see nothing wroooong, with a little bump n gri..." BAM, you kiss her on the mouth! Thoughts go thru your head at a rapid pace! "What the hell was I thinking", "Is that going to cost me more money", "Are they going to make me leave now?". In all reality, and I know its just because of the alcohol, you should really be thinking, "Why in God's name did I just kiss this petri dish full of bacteria and semen?" Yes, semen! Sexual acts do occur in the champagne room, from what I am told by a group of now distant researchers. You will wake up the next morning, smelling like cocoa butter and cigarettes, and for your entire trip home, you will completely hate yourself. Not because you spent your kids college money on Beaver Bucks and cheap champagne, but because you broke one of the many cardinal rules of Strip Clubbery. Never, under any circumstance, swap any sort of fluids with a "lady of the night"! I have come to this conclusion, its more ok to kiss your sister on the mouth, than it is to kiss a stripper on the mouth. Bottom line! Below is an example of why you do not want to kiss anyone but your wife on the mouth, I'm sorry!