January Jones is expecting, but won't say who the father is. Kristen Stewart wants to puke blood. Paris Hilton's attacker thought he was going to marry her, and will now go to jail. Friday gossip is a royal-wedding-free zone.

Fine-boned pretty thing and irrational hate objectJanuary Jones is "happy to announce that she is expecting her first child this fall" and "looking forward to this new chapter in her life as a single mom." Was she trying to get pregnant? Who's the sperm donor? Was it Bobby Flay, the married chef who came to her rescue after a mysterious car crash last year? Jeremy Piven, her follicularly challenged Golden Globes take-home? Sexy "friend" Adrien Brody? Ex sex with Jason Sudeikis, Ashton Kutcher, Josh Groban, or Jim Carrey? January's taste in men is so random and her personal life so inscrutable that the baby could pop out half unicorn and I wouldn't be surprised. Anyway, best wishes to 33-year-old January and her womb full of secrets. [People, image via Getty]

"I would have loved to have been puking up blood." —Kristen Stewart [Us]

The crazed fan who attackedParis Hilton's boyfriend Cy Waits when the duo was in court to testify about another, totally unrelated attack has pleaded "no contest" to misdemeanor battery and will serve time in jail. Apparently the guy told police he "loved" Paris and was going to marry her. [Radar]

The Deputy District Attorney on Lindsay Lohan's theft case says she didn't watch LiLo's appearance on The Tonight Show, but "I hope Ms. Lohan is taking this seriously. She keeps violating the terms of her probation. For her sake, I hope she has learned from this. Only time will tell." She also "respectfully disagree[s]" with the judge's decision to drop LiLo's charge down to a misdemeanor: "Ms. Lohan was brazenly wearing the necklace three blocks away from the jewelry store several days after it was taken, and that is felony conduct, plain and simple. You don't forget to take a necklace off." As far as general mindlessness goes, I'd actually say forgetting to remove a necklace is on par with forgetting to take your watch off before you shower, or locking your keys in the car. That said, whatever happened to LiLo's "they lent it to me" defense? She's only going for "forgot" now? [Radar]

Mariah Carey is "ready to just pop," says husband Nick Cannon, who is excited to have living evidence that he has finally finished puberty. [Us]

Diddy did a show at the W Hoboken and screamed into the mic, "Let's officially open the roof at the W!" Then someone told him something. "It's been open for two years? Where the hell have I been?" In the teen comedy version of life, this would be when the room goes silent and the microphone makes a feedback noise. "I didn't know it was the second anniversary. Feels like the grand opening." Nice save. [P6]

'70s sex symbol Raquel Welch says the feminist movement shunned her, but now she's more feminist than everyone else: "I find it difficult when I see this kind of vulgar approach to women today. I think there's too much homage being paid to pole dancers… I'm all for body beautiful, but my God, there's a head attached. Can we use that too?… Everyone is steeped in porn. Does every housewife have to look like some apparition? It's all gotten so superficial." [Popeater]

Katie Couric on boytoy Brooks Perlin: "I am in the process of figuring out the future and so is he. I am really happy in my personal life...but it is complicated." [People via DailyMail]

Now that Katie Holmesis done suingStar, who will carry the torch for celebrity-vs-tabloid lawsuits, next? How about Katy Perry, suing an Australian gossip rag for saying she cheated on her husband? Yes, that will do. Carry on, neverending story of celebrities vascillating between courting and lampooning the press. [NYDN]

As a child, Bridget Moynahan wanted to be a dentist because "I was really into brushing and flossing." If she hadn't played Mrs. Big on Sex and the City, she would have wanted to be "Carrie, of course. Sarah Jessica Parker's role was so complex." Good god, this lady is boring. [Parade]