"Stop Being A Goddamn C*ck Block For Our Chapter:" The Most Amazing Sorority Email Of All Time

Greek life lost me when, as a freshman, I heard a rumor about sorority pledges having to sort Froot Loops for their pledgemasters all night long. In the dark. (I've also heard wayyy worse, but I don't want to scar anyone.) It's always seemed to me, like Scientology or Burning Man, a cult for the lost, the lonely, or the drunk. On the other hand, a good friend of mine swears by the friends she made at her school's chapter of DPhiE.

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Regardless of where you stand on sororities, we've all heard the nightmarish stories of Pledge Week. And this email from a chair of a "lower tier, very awkard" sorority (now disclosed as Delta Gamma's Beta Sigma chapter) at the University of Maryland, paired with Sigma Nu, "a pretty good frat," during Greek Week, confirms all of our worst suspicions. Below, a young woman leading the sorority Hulks out on her compatriots with the wrath of a million snakes in a mouse hole and the language of a character in a Tarantino movie. I'd be impressed if I wasn't so busy peeing myself with fear. Deadspin got their hands on the email in its entirety. Here are the most important points.

1) She loves her sisters like family.

I do not give a flying f*ck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying f*ck, about how much you f*cking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the f*cking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I f*cking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the Greek community, and that's not f*cking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid c*cks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE F*CKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F*CKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F*CKING SUCK SO FAR.

If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee [first name redacted], I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to f*cking find you on campus to do it myself.

2) She'd like her sisters to show more interest in sporting events.

"But [first name redacted]!", you say in a whiny little b*tch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID F*CKING ASS HATS, IT F*CKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW F*CKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN F*CKING UP AT SOBER F*CKING EVENTS TOO.

Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE F*CKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR F*CKING MATCHUP. I will fucking c*nt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a f*ck if you SOR me, I WILL F*CKING ASSAULT YOU.

3) She would appreciate it if you'd mingle with Sigma Nu more, please. :DDDD

I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not f*cking awkward than 80 that are f*cking f*ggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't f*cking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn c*ck block for our chapter.

Here are my thoughts on the matter in their entirety.

UPDATE: From the Delta Gamma Facebook page: Delta Gamma Executive Offices is aware of the email allegedly written by a member of our Beta Sigma chapter that has gone viral... Right now the office staff is investigating the legitimacy of this letter, the alleged author and will take appropriate actions as necessary. EO staff is already in contact with the Beta Sigma chapter.