Seven Chuck Norris facts that are true (really) for his 77th birthday

Chuck Norris accepts an award from Mayor Will Wynn in front of City Hall in 2007, where the mayor presented him with an Honorary Austin Citizen Award and declared Friday, September 22 as Chuck Norris Day. Photo by Kelly West / American-Statesman

On this day in 1940, Carlos Ray Norris was born into a world that did not yet have M&Ms or Cheerios or color television. In fact, it would be another decade before that world would see an Uzi submachine gun*.

And just in case your brain is quicker with “The Octagon” quotes** than math, I’ll help you out: Chuck Norris is 77 years old today.

That’s right. He’s within a half-decade of Woody Allen. Though his body count is probably a good deal higher.***

In those 77 years, Norris has been: an unathletic and introverted child, an Air Force air policeman, a martial arts student, a martial arts instructor, a martial arts competitor, a martial arts champion, a bad-movie actor, a legitimate film opponent for Bruce Lee, a movie star, a product pitchman, a television star, a Christian author, a philanthropist, an outspoken Republican and … of course … an Internet meme.****

1. Though he lives on a sprawling ranch near College Station, Chuck Norris is only a naturalized Texan. He was born in Oklahoma and raised there and in Kansas and California. However, his tricked-out website points out he did acquire his nickname “Chuck” during Air Force basic training in San Antonio. And in 2010, Norris was named an honorary Texas Ranger by then-Gov. Rick Perry.

2. Chuck Norris is not an unstoppable force — at least early on. On his website, he tells the story of visiting the Helio Gracie School of Ju-Jitsu in Brazil. When the elderly instructor told Norris to punch him in the face, he argued before meekly starting to comply … “and that’s the last thing I remember,” he writes. “Respect your elders,” he says. “Or they’ll choke you out.”

3. Chuck Norris has his own brand of water: CForce. Its website boasts “CFORCE doesn’t flow from the ground; it bursts from an artesian spring with the same unharnessed power and intensity you’d expect from Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.” The water comes from a well discovered on Norris’ ranch.

4. Chuck Norris’ store on his website is as colorful as you’d expect. Among the items available are a 2-foot-by-3-foot “Ethics” poster and a $6 license plate frame that reads “Fact: Chuck Norris doesn’t race cars. Cars race Chuck Norris.” It also points out that any item can be autographed for $100 extra — though the extra money goes to Norris’ Kickstart Kids charity.

6. Here’s one from IMDB.com: His voice and drama coach was Jonathan Harris, of Lost in Space (1965) fame. Harris “taught him how to speak,” by putting his fingers in Norris’s mouth, and stretching the mouth wide open. Chuck names Jonathan as the only man in the world who could get away with doing that to him… which Harris was always proud of.

7. The first Westerner to ever be awarded the rank of 8th Degree Black Belt Grand Master in Tae Kwon Do, Chuck Norris is known for his own martial art: Chun Kuk Do. Among his famous students are Donny and Marie Osmond, Steve McQueen and Bob Barker.

* Sorry, “Invasion U.S.A” fans, Chuck Norris was not born with an Uzi in each hand.

** “Oh my God, Ninjaaaaaa …. it has to be … but they don’t exist anymore …”

*** This website has his kill count at 458, right between Jean Claude Van Damme and Nicolas Cage

**** Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What the hell was that?”

****** Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you’ve ever tasted. Chuck Norris’ blood type is AK-47. The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.