One-man goal gluts

John Petrie (13 goals, ARBROATH 36-0 Bon Accord, Scottish Cup, 1885)

Petrie, an 18-year-old outside forward, played a significant role in the biggest victory in British football history: he netted 13 of his team's 36 goals, which remains a record for first-class football in Britain.

He was assisted in his record haul by the fact that Arbroath's opponents that day, Bon Accord, were not a football team. The invitation intended for Aberdeen's Orion FC to take part in the cup had been directed to Aberdeen's Orion Cricket Club, but the cricketers decided to accept, and picked a colourful name for their cross-sport venture.

The scoreline actually flattered Bon Accord, as the referee admitted dubiously chalking off seven goals, and the Scottish Athletic Journal reported: "The Aberdonians might as well have been outside the ropes for the resistance that they provided."

Bata (seven goals, ATHLETIC BILBAO 12-1 Barcelona, La Liga, 1931)

The heaviest defeat in Barcelona's history came at the hands of defending Spanish champions Athletic Bilbao, with Agustin Sauto Arana, or Bata as he was popularly known, hitting seven of the goals.

El Mundo Deportivo described the scoreline as "unnecessarily severe", with Barca going down to ten men due to injury on 18 minutes, when the score was 2-1, and then losing a second player to injury when trailing 9-1.

Barca - who had been champions in 1929 - called an extraordinary board meeting to discuss the direction of the club. Athletic, meanwhile, went on to win the title by virtue of their outstanding goal difference, finishing only a point ahead of Barca.

Silvio Piola (six goals, PRO VERCELLI 7-2 Fiorentina, Serie A, 1933)

At 20 years old, Pro Vercelli forward Piola netted six of his team's seven goals in a thrashing of Fiorentina. His performance was appraised by the Italy coach, Vittorio Pozzo, in La Stampa and - acknowledging that Piola "was the most dangerous opponent" - the youngster attracted particular praise for a spectacular bicycle kick that narrowly missed the target.

However, Pozzo felt La Viola had done nothing to quell the forward's rampage - "No special measures were taken to stop, neutralise or smother his style of play," he wrote - and the performance was not sufficient to earn the forward international recognition.

He had still not been capped by the time of the World Cup triumph the following year, and it was only in 1935, when Angelo Schiavio was forced to withdraw due to injury, that Piola made his international bow, netting both goals in a 2-0 friendly victory over Austria. Piola would score twice in the 1938 World Cup final as Pozzo's men retained the trophy.

Drake set the record for the English top flight when he scored all seven of Arsenal's goals in their thrashing of Villa in December 1935, giving some cheer to the absent Arsenal manager George Allison, who remained in his sick bed after collapsing earlier in the month. "I've been very lonely, but Drake's feat was a great tonic," Allison said shortly afterwards, confirming he would return to the touchline in the Gunners' next game.

At the time, it had been thought that Drake had equalled the top-flight record set by Preston's Jimmy Ross just weeks into the inaugural First Division campaign of 1888-89. However, it has since emerged that the record of Ross' feat was incorrect, and nobody has yet surpassed, or equalled, Drake's feat.

In the lower leagues, though, Drake was swiftly outscored. Robert Bell of Tranmere netted nine in a 13-4 victory over Oldham in the Third Division North just 12 days later, and the following year Joe Payne of Luton hit ten in a 12-0 Third Division South victory over Bristol Rovers.

Laszlo Kubala (seven goals, BARCELONA 9-0 Real Gijon, La Liga, 1952)

The great Kubala signed for Barcelona in 1950, but it was not until April 1951 that he was free to play due to a ban imposed by the Hungarian Football Federation. Once freed to play, his impact was instant, and in his debut season he led the club to glory in La Liga and the Copa del Generalisimo, as the Copa del Rey was then known.

His legendary talents were best displayed during a thrashing of Gijon. The Barcelona coach, Ferdinand Daucik, had warned the day before the game that Kubala - who suffered regular rough treatment at the hands of opponents - was injured. "It will be very difficult for him," he said. "He hasn't fully recovered."

Despite his less than total fitness, he hit seven goals as Barca crushed their opponents, with two coming from the penalty spot. "But what penalties they were," one team-mate observed.

Omar Sivori (six goals, JUVENTUS 9-1 Inter Milan, Serie A, 1961)

When Juventus hosted Inter at the Stadio Olimpico on April 16, 1961, around 100,000 fans attempted to force their way into a ground that could hold no more than 80,000, and so they poured onto the field in vast numbers. The match was abandoned, and the Lega Calcio - having initially awarded Inter a victory - eventually ruled that the match would be replayed.

It was rescheduled for June 10, by which point Juve had already been crowned champions and Inter were certain to finish in third. Inter, claiming most of their first-team players were unavailable for various reasons, announced the night before the game that they would be sending a youth team to Turin.

Asked about the news, Juve forward Sivori said: "We'll approach this match as we do for all official matches. We want to respect the shirt we're wearing and especially the fans. I can only add that, if the Nerazzurri really do field the kids, it'd be easier for me to reach a specific goal I have set for myself. But I have to say I'd rather achieve it in a true, legitimate setting."

Sivori duly scored six goals, and went on to win that year's Ballon d'Or, but his feat of matching Piola's record was given little credit.

"The game that drew the season to its conclusion does not deserve a detailed description," La Stampa reported. "It does not deserve one because of its very nature: the top team in the championship against a team of boys."

Ted MacDougall (nine goals, BOURNEMOUTH 11-0 Margate, FA Cup, 1971)

Third Division side Bournemouth thrashed Southern League minnows Margate in the first round of the 1971-72 FA Cup, with nine goals coming from their former Liverpool forward MacDougall.

Margate's goalkeeper that day was former Brentford man Chic Brodie, whose professional career had been marked by remarkable misfortune, suffering injuries at the hands of stones, crossbars and dogs - all detailed here - as well as once finding himself confronted by a (dud) hand grenade. This defeat, in which he made numerous errors, added a note of misfortune to his amateur career. "We were all absolutely shattered," Margate captain Eddie Clayton said, "especially Chic Brodie."

MacDougall revealed afterwards: "After about the fourth of fifth went in, the Margate centre half Dave Paton got really downhearted and said: 'This is terrible... I might as well go off now'." The forward encouraged his opponent to play on, but he told the Daily Mirror: "I don't want to sound unkind, but my job is to score goals."

Muller set the record for goals in a Bundesliga match when smashing six past West Germany goalkeeper Dieter Burdenski.

Asked in a 2012 interview with 11 Freunde whether he felt sorry for Burdenski, he said he did not. "Firstly," he explained, "I didn't know Dieter very well and, secondly, I was just obsessed with scoring goals. If I had the opportunity to score eight or ten goals, I would."

No one has matched his efforts in the German top flight, but many have hit five, with the great Gerd Muller doing so on four occasions.

The biggest win seen in the Premier League came with Manchester United's trouncing of Ipswich, and Cole set a new Premier League record with his five-goal haul. "Ever since I've been here, people have been saying I'm not worth the money. I've been slaughtered," said Cole, a £7 million signing from Newcastle two months earlier. "Well, I've proved them all wrong."

However, Alan Shearer, whose Blackburn side were leading the table, didn't seem overly impressed. "There are no easy games in the Premier League," he said, "unless you are playing Ipswich at home."

Shearer matched Cole's five-goal tally when playing for Newcastle against Sheffield Wednesday in 1999, and Tottenham's Jermain Defoe (vs Wigan in 2009) and Manchester United's Dimitar Berbatov (vs Blackburn in 2010) have also replicated the feat.

Cameroon had been the surprise package at the 1990 World Cup, when 38-year-old forward Roger Milla led a charge to the quarter-finals. Four years on, Milla would become the oldest player to score - or indeed play - at a World Cup in his team's final group match, but his achievement that day was rather overshadowed by Russia's Oleg Salenko, who hit a record five goals.

Nine men had previously hit four goals in a World Cup match, but Salenko - who had only been in the side because a group of Russia players had withdrawn in protest at the coach - remains the only to hit five. "I wasn't thinking of records," he said. "On my mind was only the needs of a team."

Both teams exited the competition that day, though, after earlier failing to beat Brazil and Sweden, and Salenko continued: "We knew we were a very good team and wanted to prove it, especially to those back home, who must have been in trauma in front of their television sets."

Serious questions were raised over the value of Australia taking on teams from Oceania after they advanced to the CONMEBOL-OFC play-off for the 2002 World Cup with four wins, and a positive goal difference of 66, from their four matches against Tonga, American Samoa, Fiji and Samoa.

They had recorded a record-breaking 22-0 victory over Tonga in the opening game, which Australia boss Frank Farina had described as "embarrassing", and two days later, against American Samoa, the Socceroos smashed their own record, racking up 31 unanswered goals. Marconi Stallions forward Thompson, who had initially been credited with 14 goals, had to settle for 13 when FIFA was eventually able to clarify the precise scoreline. However, the previous international record had been ten goals - set by Sofus Nielsen of Denmark and Gottfried Fuchs of Germany in the 1908 and 1912 Olympics respectively - so Thompson still took his place in the record books.

He was in two minds about his achievement. "Breaking the world record is a dream come true," Thompson said, "but you have to look at the teams we're playing and start asking questions. It's a waste of time, really."