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Topic Review (Newest First)

12-04-2016 12:45 PM

malc

A Native American in Michigan wondered if this winter was going to be harsh.
As his elders seemed to be pretty consistent at weather-forecasting, he went to his chief and asked about the weather.
The Chief went to the elders who said that prediction was something they no longer knew how to do but that he should ask the weatherman.
The chief called the weatherman and asked what the winter was going to be like, the weatherman said he wasn't sure, but it looked like it was going to be pretty cold.
The chief reported this to the tribe member, and the tribe member thought "You know, I should start preparing with a bit of extra wood." A month goes by and it's still warm.
The member goes back to the chief and says "What's up with the weather?" Chief says "I dunno, I'll check with the 'elders'".
Chief calls the weatherman and the weatherman says "Well, it's getting clearer, it's going to be a tough winter."
Member gets the news and piles even more wood.
A month rolls by and the same question "Why is it still warm?" Chief asks the weatherman and the weatherman says, "Oh it's getting clearer, it's going to be really cold."
Chief tells the member to button up, so the member then stockpiles everything.
Another month goes by, it's still warm, and the member asks again "Why?" of the chief.
The chief calls the weatherman and says "It's still warm" the weatherman says "Oh my, you really need to bundle up, it's going to be the worst ever."
The chief, finally asks "But how do you know this?" The weatherman responds "I see the Native Americans stockpiling wood so I know it's going to be terrible this winter."

12-04-2016 08:52 AM

Irelands child

Putting your 'affairs' in order

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into
the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter,
we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things
don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So,
let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually
approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to
what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were
drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and
whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and
you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do
that?'

'Because I don't want any of those b****es sleeping with your father
after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In
Order'
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched
often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.

11-17-2016 02:32 PM

malc

Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.
"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year-old mistress.
Hence the smile," says the coroner.
"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won $50,000 on the Lottery. Spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." he says.
The police inspector asked, "So what about this third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one.
Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken.

11-17-2016 02:30 PM

malc

Optician told me today I am Colorblind .............It came just like a bolt out of the Green.

The tests also show I'm now shortsighted ..............I didn't see that coming.

11-09-2016 08:26 PM

7nomad8

Body shop motto: Guaranteed all the way to the street. (I used to work there. When there were no customers, the boss said that.)

11-09-2016 02:15 PM

69612

Buy 3 at the regular price. get the 4th at the regular price.

"Money Gone if not Thrilled" as a warranty..

11-09-2016 01:03 PM

malc

Two friends are fishing near a bridge...
Suddenly a Hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen"
Dave replies, “Well - we were married for nearly 20 years..."

11-04-2016 09:48 AM

boothboy

BB

11-01-2016 09:33 PM

boothboy

This might come in handy.

BB

10-28-2016 05:01 AM

7nomad8

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.