As I sit on my couch staring out the window, I’m trying to come to terms with how I managed to still be single after a busy year of dating. Fresh off a recent breakup from a relationship that only lasted three months, I can’t help but get down on myself for not being able to make it to Christmas or even New Years. With one less Christmas gift and no one to kiss on New Years Eve for the third year in a row, I’m beginning to think that I am the Chosen One– the only female on this planet that will remain single forever.

The Beef…

2014 started off with the deterioration of my affair with my still-legally-married friend, whom I parted ways with for the better. Despite our unconventional split, I will always remember his last words to me: “You brought out the sex addict in me”.

Dear John…

Some people says that in order to get over a man, you have to get under another one. So I did just that with a lovely man named John. John had done well for himself in his career in finance. He was tall, lean, smart, but lacking charm. We went on a few dates before I chose to get under him, or rather, when I tried to get under him. You see, John had one kink about him that I just couldn’t overcome…John kept his clothes on in bed. That’s right! He kept his socks, boxers, and shirt on as he got intimate. I won’t go into any further detail, but I will say that my exact words to him were: “I think the moment has passed and so has my self-infilicted curfew.” A few days later, I politely declined another date.

Everybody loves Jake..

In order to get over the awkwardness of John and my aching heart from The Beef, I decided to go on a date with a man a few years older than me named Jake. Jake was self-assumed, cocky, and looked like he belonged on Miami Vice. He was too cool for school and he sensed my discomfort at a cocktail party where I was forced to rub shoulders with a few ‘highbrowed’ individuals. Jake was the guy that loved a challenge, especially in his women. I gave him the brush-off a few times before I let my girly bits win the battle. After a pleasant dine and wine date, Jake insisted on driving me home despite my best attempt to convince him that walking across the street to get home was a better option. He asked if he could take me somewhere I’ve never been before. So, I threw caution to the wind and guess where that got me…A sex club. I was uncomfortable, but curious so I went with the latter and walked into what felt like another dimension! We walked in and everyone seemed to know him on a first name basis. Men and women alike seemed to look at him knowingly. Clearly I was fresh meat and Jake was a the old dog. I met some great people that night and definitely let my guard down, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that I was Jake’s pinup girl for that night. He put on quite a performance that night in front of all of his pals and I was his leading lady. I never returned his calls or texts after that night. Men like Jake are like old dogs that know one trick that they’re really good at and that’s why he’ll always be a one-trick-wonder in my eyes.

Tinder Surprises…

In an attempt to erase the memory of my night with Jake, the awkwardness of John, and my now mildly aching heart from The Beef, I decided to give Tinder a try. I dated three different guys, with three very different personalities which I blogged about. If you haven’t read it yet, please scroll down and read ‘Tinder Surprise”. Let’s just say that none of those lasted longer than a date and til this day I still can’t remember what the pro golfer’s name was!

Andrew, Match.com Poster Boy Poser…

As I tried to recover from my Tinder adventures, my one-night-wonder with Jake, my awkwardness with John, and my numb feelings for The Beef, I met Andrew, 32, Kindergarden Teacher who was looking for love on Match.com. This site is a hit or miss with people and for me, it’s always been a miss. This guy set up the most compelling profile and made himself out to be a sensitive guy who loves children. Little I did I know that I was fluffing and puffing myself for a suburban gangster who is not 6″1 (as mentioned on his profile), with the worst table manners known to mankind. Our date lastest for the longest two hours of my life, during which time I forced myself to be polite and engaging, even though all I wanted to do was run for the hills. After our initial date, we exchanged a few polite text messages where I mentioned that he wasn’t anything I expected. Andrew asked if it was a good thing and I didn’t have time to respond because my phone died. I took that as a sign from the Gods.

The Most Recent…

In a desperate attempt to reset my memory before Andrew, recovering from my Tinder adventures, my one-night-wonder with Jake, the awkwardness with John, and my history with The Beef, I met G. I feel like I’m not quite ready to talk about this one just yet. He was the textbook definition of a nice guy. Sometimes guys like that look for girls that are mild-mannered and agreeable, none of which describes my personality. I am not a trophy wife or girlfriend. I have my good days and bad and my hair will only look good when you’re not rushing me out of the house. To this person, all I can say is that I can never be the person you want me to be, but I hope you find her someday. 🙂

There you have it ladies and germs, my year in review. So 2014 didn’t bring me love, but it did give me a lot to think about in terms of what I’m not looking for in my life. To all the men that came (no pun intended) into and out of my life, I hope you all find what you’re looking for because you ain’t gonna find it here, honey! 😉