Supernatural: Reality in Night Vision

It’s back!!! Forget the Rapture, this is the second coming. Supernatural returned Thursday as the monster cult hit it is and blew away my post-writers’ strike expectations. The Winchester brothers took backseat to a reality show ghost hunting crew investigating a seriously haunted house. And that tickle of recognition? The leaders of the scream squad are the same hilarious losers determined to rid another haunted house of its axe-wielding farmer ghost in season one’s Hell Hounds. Their Hellhoundslair.com Web site worked the paranormal mojo then, but now the nerdy duo and their fellow Sci Fi Channel wannabes are way out of their league. Thank goodness my handsome boys are around to save their skinny butts.

The episode turned the show’s usual staging on its ear. Meet and Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler, two ghost-busting amateurs priming themselves for their big Hollywood break. Their hack team of hunters includes Spruce, the bearded cameraman, Maggie, Ed’s adopted Asian sister, and Corbett, the sweet pretty boy with a massive man crush on team leader Ed. They argue, squabble and hold secret meetings until Dad comes home early and opens the garage door. The best part is the entire show is filmed using handheld video cameras. The crew takes turns spilling their petty dramas and manhandling their video equipment.

Kinko’s workers by day, ghostbusters by night, Harry and Ed have found the perfect launch pad for their reality TV series. The Morton House is renowned as one of the most haunted homes in the world. Every Feb. 29 the house becomes a whirling pit of supernatural energy at the strike of midnight and anyone who has dared stay within those walls doesn’t see the next morning. The nerd team even attempted slow motion special effects to amp up the drama, except it’s not an effect if you just awkwardly cross the street like a whooping crane. What’s even better is the Ghostfacers theme song. Imagine Ghostbusters with a $5 budget and a crack writing team weaned on 1990s scream music. Yes, it’s that good.

Spruce gets a running start as my favorite. He tells the camera he’s 15/16 Jew while riding around a golf range in a caged car picking up balls. What does this have to do with anything? My point exactly.

The second phase of the brilliant plan is infiltrating the house. Crouched outside the chained fence, they’re preparing to snap the lock when the awesomely badass roar of my baby, Dean’s 1967 Chevy Impala, better known as the Metallicar, comes into earshot, rumbling down the empty road to the blaring tune of We’re An American Band by Grand Funk. I’ve been missing my sweet melodies, as has the rest of the Supernatural audience, so Kripke finally fudged the budget and found some extra cash for Dean’s tape deck.

It’s them! Strangely filmed from the POV of the Ghostfacers crew, the boys glide past the house with a flashlight and speed off. Harry, sighing with relief, turns back to breaking and entering and says, “Ok, not cops, just hicks.” The crew makes a run for the house and finds the place is decrepit disrepair. In a streak of editing genius, the crew sets up cameras and computer equipment throughout the house to a rock ‘n roll montage of sped-up legwork. A weird team hands-in moment and they split into two teams, comb the house and try to contact the spirits haunting the Morton House. Pretty much every other comment here is embarrassingly funny as they try to seriously investigate the case.

I’d like to make an aside here. I want to thank Kripke, the writers, the crew and the actors for saving me from the god-awful strike schedule. My brain was starting to melt. If I had to hear one more conversation about Dancing with the Stars or the washed up gay porn stars/strippers on American Gladiators I was prepared to take my TV outside and waste it Office Space style.

Back to the action: The intrepid crew is still yelling into space to annoy the spirits when Team 2′s EMF reader and tech equipment starts fritzing. Too bad it’s only a dead rat that sends Harry screaming down the hallway. They switch on camera’s night vision to scout for more ghostly dead mammals when the cops show up and the place goes haywire. I can’t even tell what’s going on because the guy holding the camera looks like he’s seizing. Finally, I glimpse the shadowed outlines of two of my favorite people EVER. Dean and Sam come rolling in, flashlights in hand, and take over like two badass hunters should. It’s looking like the Ghost Facers will be handed their walking papers when Ed recognizes the boys as not cops but the brothers who left dead fish in their car.

Ed insults “Chisel Chest” a.k.a. Dean while Sam wraps his head around the situation. I have to rewind at this point because I’m still not over Ed’s nickname for Dean. The light goes on in Sam’s head and he remembers the tragically virgin Harry and Ed who almost got the brothers killed with their Hellhounds Web site feeding the apparition myth. Ed tries to stake his territory and tells the brothers his crew was there first, so Dean slams him into a wall and threatens to beat his sorry ass until he tells him where the rest of his gang is.

Now, the really clever part of that scene is what’s omitted. The boys don’t curse much. Even Dean, who you know has a mouth on him, doesn’t let George Carlin’s Seven Deadly Words fly within earshot. Of course, we know the brothers probably curse like sailors, so it’s freaking awesome when the show bleeps their “F*** me” comments with little black blotchy skulls over their mouths every time they curse. I really want to hug someone over there.

Dean and Sam rip the crew a new one while they try to usher them out of the house as midnight fast approaches. It’s working until the other team encounters a death echo, a ghost stuck in an endless loop reliving its demise. Their cameras fritz, the room goes fuzzy and a man in a suit gets blown away. The team doesn’t have long to celebrate when Corbett turns the camera on himself and somebody spots the looming dead guy behind him. Something grabs him and drags him away kicking and screaming. He screams bloody murder until the stroke of midnight and that’s when all hell really breaks loose.

The doors lock, the windows seal shut and the entire house goes on military lockdown with the Ghostfacers crew, Sam and Dean and one of the deadliest ghosts in the country itching to off them. The computers and cameras go to static when another death echo shows up. He looks pretty normal so Dean tries to wake him up, knock him out of his cycle by screaming in his face. It’s not working. A train comes out of nowhere and blasts him into oblivion with a nice blood burst.

Sam is pissed. Throwing chairs at the locked doors and telling Dean off through clenched teeth, reminds him he only has two months to live yet here they are trapped in a haunted house. At this point I’m forced to stop and acknowledge just how hot Dean and Sam look even on crappy video cameras. I’m making my way to Lawrence, Kansas as soon as possible.

The boys go into investigative mode and dig up info on the dead guy. The last owner, a guy named Daggett, died in 1964, but he apparently brought home dead friends from the morgue, which just so happened to be his day job. In a light bulb moment, the boys realize the owner’s dead party guests never left the haunted house. Another surge rocks the electronic equipment and Sam disappears in a ghostly flash, his flashlight dropped to the ground. Freaky. Guess the big baddie needed another partygoer for a full table.

The Ghostfacers use their breathing time to have a couple coronaries. Harry and Maggie embrace in a moment of shared fear before slobbering on each other to the cameraman’s amusement. Dean’s too busy yelling Sam’s name and stomping around the house to notice the impromptu make out party, which shows you just how much he likes his brother as the guys has a seriously amped up libido. Ed spies the lovers’ tryst and being the man he is tells Spruce to hold his hipster glasses while he pounds Harry for touching his adopted sister. If all scary movies were like this episode, I would actually see them instead of dismissing every premise and scoffing at Jessica Alba’s pathetic acting “talent.” I like to laugh and be scared. It keeps me off kilter.

Dean breaks up the fight with screaming rant. Snogging can wait when Sam’s involved. Somewhere in the house the creepy tune of Lesley Gore’s It’s My Party. Poor Sam, the behemoth is all tied up with a nasty cut across the bedecked table from Corbett, who’s hyperventilating. Sam tries to keep Corbett zeroed in on him, but it’s just not the young ghost hunter’s day. The big baddie, wearing a janitor’s uniform, soothes him before slowly driving a dagger through his spine and out the front of his throat. Lovely party game.

Daggett gifts Sam with a party hat instead of a knife in the throat, so the party’s going well. Dean’s still banging around but guesses anyone with pamphlets about surviving an atomic war probably built a handy bomb shelter. Dean and cameraman Spruce become separated from the rest of the group in a dusty basement when a door slams shut. Dean tells the team to pour a circle of salt and stay inside it. That’s all good until Corbett shows up in his own death echo choking on his blood.

Daggett is getting creepier in the party room, bemoaning his lonely years with only his mummified friends to entertain him. While Dean searches the walls for an opening, Spruce tries to get him to talk to the camera, but he refuses to whine on a reality TV show cause he’s a real man. He shoves a bookcase over and Spruce comments, “Wow, you’re strong.” To which Dean gives him a blurred-out one-finger salute. Big brother rushes in just in time to shoot Daggett with a round of salt and save Sam’s neck, literally.

The team upstairs is still huddled in the circle of salt watching Corbett. Harry figures out a way to stop Corbett from reliving his death endlessly — go gay. Downstairs, Dean and Sam are fending off the janitorial nightmare, but it’s Ed who saves the day. He confesses his love for Corbett and begs him to save them from the ghost. It winks out. Downstairs, Sam and Dean are doing their weekly best of having their asses handed to them. It’s looking grim with Corbett shows up and wrestles Daggett in a swirling cloud of paranormal dust. Then, poof, they’re gone.

The group emerges a little less enthusiastic and Sam and Dean hand over their digits before stalking off to the waiting Impala. Moral of the story is gay love can pierce through the veil of death. Wow.

It’s a surprise to see a clip of Corbett talking to the camera pop up on the screen. The footage is supposed to look like those forgotten reels on the editing room floor at the end of horror films of the actors before the tragic events all happy and ready for action. Corbett predicts this new adventure will help all their dreams come true. Could have done with a little less sap and a little more freaky, but whatever.

The show cuts to regular Supernatural TV, as in sans spastic video cameras, and the boys are watching the credits roll at Ghostfacers headquarters. Dean’s convinced it’s “half awesome” but Sam tells the amateurs airing their footage will get them tied in a strait jacket or punched in the face, possibly both. The crew doesn’t really care, as they’re sure the boys are simply jealous and greedily open a bag the boys have left behind. Dean and Sam’s parting gift, an electro-magnetic bomb, destroys all saved electronic materials and equipment. Sucks for the Ghostfacers.

In an awesomely cool squealing swerve, the boys ride out again for demon adventures unknown. Now seems like a good time to address the less than stellar reviews rolling in from fans. I admit the episode is completely out of sync with the last episode, Jus in Belo, which left the boys in a mythically scary predicament. But the Supernatural parody of popular ghost hunting show, Sci Fi’s Ghost Hunters, is freaking great. I loved the comedy and the unexpected visit from a twosome I’d forgotten about. Sometimes it’s nice to just enjoy a series’ creative fun without dogging their story arc.

Next episode: Dean receives a phone call from the grave. Is Daddy Dearest really dead?