House 2: The Second Story

Not to be confused with Hausu, the House movies are one of my favorite horror-comedy series. They were weird as hell, and had cameos with dudes from Cheers. I’m also really into the whole “scary house” thing, so these movies are perf for my horror needs. Now I know it would make more sense to start with the first House, which starred Great American Hero (GAH!) William Katt, but in this blog we throw all logic out the window and go with our GUTS. Do not fret my pets, we will most likely make our way to the OG installment eventually, but today we will have a ‘lil chat about House II: The Second Story.

First off, the original House has a much darker theme than this sequel, which isn’t really scary at all. Main dude Jesse, (Ayre Gross) inherits a house and soon moves in with his girlfriend. His BFF Charlie (Jonathan Stark), comes along with his girlfriend played by Amy Yasbeck, who we all love from the Problem Child movies and Robin Hood: Men In Tights...

Jesse finds out his great grampa left him some sort of treasure and he and Charlie end up DIGGING UP pepaw’s grave to find it. And it is a…A CRYSTAL SKULL!!!!! Speaking of, why hasn’t anyone bought me this crystal skull vodka yet? I don’t really drink vodka, but I’d love to put some nail polish remover in that thing or something, ya feel me? Somebody get Dan Aykroyd on the phone. Anyway, the bros also dig up Mr. Pepaw himself who is actually ALIVE after all these years (from the crystal skull’s powers), but is totally in need of some apricot face scrub.

The word is microdermabrasion, my son

Pepaw tells the boys about his old friend and ARCHENEMY Slim…

They also spend time dodging this gnarly caveman dude, who looks sort of this neanderthal I knew in my teen years when I worked at a pizza parlor. He stole my pager and hid it for three days. Luckily I found it in a Christmas stocking. ASSHOLE! I will never forget…

The dudes spend the movie fighting Slim and trying to make sure the skull doesn’t get anywhere near him and his bolo tie.

There are many cool cameos in this film, including Bill Maher playing the role of a douchebag. ::side eye::

But thee BEST cameo is one by Cheers regular, John Ratzenberger.

He plays “Bill Towner, Electrician & Adventurer,” as you can see on his business card below. Bill takes the brodudes through the house and discovers a secret room where the human sacrifice of an Aztec princess is about to go down. Just an average day in the life of Bill Towner.

Totally better than Patrick Bateman’s biz card, amirite?

If you are horny for American Horror Story like moi, you might remember the episode in season 1 where an exterminator named Phil pays a visit to the Murder House due to an abundance of flies and finds something horrifying down in the cellar. PHIL the exterminator reminded me so much of BILL the electrician slash adventurer, that I wonder if the scene was a purposed hat tip to House 2, especially since AHS is known for their constant references to other horror films. Ryan Murphy can you PLEASE let me know? That would be truly wild, IMHO.

And now…my OTHER favorite character…this GUY

Staring into the eyes of love

If that’s not enough to warm the cockles of your black goth heart, there’s also this baby pterodactyl in the movie. Look at this sassamfrassum rapscallion trying to play catch me if you can with these guys!

How can a supposed horror movie have so much cuteness in it? All in all, House 2 is great as a CUTE COMEDY, but when it comes to dookie scares, this movie has NON. But it’s fine ’cause: