Pre-Credits Gag: Jesse tells the twins to do exactly as he does while he shows them how to fix their tricycle, then, naturally, he fucks it up and hurts himself and they mimic his cries of pain.

Michelle and her little friends play “Mighty Mutant Super Kids” in her room. At first I thought that this was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles thing but then I realized that it’s probably more of a Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers thing. Michelle is playing with Aaron Bailey and Derek and some new kid named Lisa, which seems like sort of an odd assortment of kids. Where are Teddy and Denise? And where did this Lisa kid come from all of a sudden? Anyway, they decide to form a Mighty Mutant Super Kids club and for some reason it’s really imperative that its existence is kept secret. They decide that they’d better pick a leader and reach the conclusion that whoever can procure a Mighty Mutant Super Fortress will earn that rank because 90’s kids entertainment was always just about selling you expensive toys.

Kimmie Gibbler walks into DJ’s room and… whoa, check out DJ’s incredibly dated computer. What’s she even supposed to be doing on that thing? Its processing power is literally 1/100th as strong as my phone, and my phone is old and shitty.

Oh, yeah, so, anyway, Kimmie Gibbler comes over to tell DJ that she’s invited DJ’s old boyfriend Nelson to a Giants game because she’s romantically interested in him. Kimmie Gibbler is actually trying to be a good friend and make sure that DJ doesn’t have a problem with this but then she gets all bent out of shape when DJ has trouble adjusting to the idea, assuming that DJ doesn’t think that she’s good enough for Nelson. They have an argument and then Kimmie Gibbler storms out of the room.

I usually don’t talk much about the shitty fashion on this show because that could be its whole own blog (there’s a really good one for The Cosby Show), but, seriously, what the fuck is Kimmie Gibbler wearing? It’s a skirt that doesn’t do anything that a skirt is supposed to do. In the midriff-bearing 90’s, she somehow managed to find a skirt that covers only her stomach. I don’t know, you guys. I just don’t know.

As Joey cleans the silverware, he spits all over a knife. Seriously, what the fuck is up with him spitting all over everything all the time? It’s really an antisocial behavior, and yet it’s been played for laughs for years now. YEARS! I can only imagine the terrible behavior that children who watched this show were inspired to emulate, but this spitting shit has got to be the worst of it. At least this time he’s spitting on an inanimate object instead of directly into someone’s face like he usually does, but it’s still disgusting. The only consolation is that Danny immediately throws the knife in the garbage afterwards.

Jesse comes home with Becky and the twins and asks Stephanie why she’s using his KISS t-shirt to dry silverware. She says that it was in the rag pile and he replies that it shouldn’t be because he was saving it for sentimental reasons. Joey says that he used to love KISS and then he shouts “Rock ‘n’ roll!” and sticks his tongue out, which makes the audience guffaw.

The twins see this and do the same thing, which the audience thinks is adorable.

It’s just this type of uncreative pandering that really exemplifies why this is the worst show of all time. Some idiot does something annoying and then some ugly little kids repeat it and the audience eats it up. That’s Full House in a nut shell.

Becky deduces that the KISS t-shirt was a gift from some cooze that Jesse used to stick it to and she gets jealous. She retaliates by recounting all the hot dick she used to get back in the day and then the argument escalates until they both decide that they’re going to make lists of everyone they ever fucked so they can compare them, which is maybe the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life. At least now Becky will finally know the names of the women whose STD’s she’s contracted.

Michelle asks Danny for $39 dollars and he’s like, “fuck no,” then she asks Joey and he’s like, “sure,” and then he asks Danny to loan it to him. If that doesn’t completely summarize their relationship, I don’t know what does. Why doesn’t Joey have $39, anyway? He’s got a good job and he doesn’t pay rent. Anyway, Danny wants to know what the money is for so Michelle tells him about her secret club. She makes a really big deal about how important it is to keep it a secret, which Danny seems to understand. Danny says the he still wont buy her the toy because all his money is tied up in supporting all the people that live in his house who don’t pay for anything and then Joey tells her that all of the Super Fortresses are all sold out everywhere anyway, which is supposed to be funny because, you know, Joey plays with toys. Pretty funny.

Nelson shows up at the full house to meet Kimmie Gibbler for their date, which seems like a pretty forced bit of staging although maybe it makes sense because Kimmie Gibbler’s trying to rub the whole thing in DJ’s face? I can’t even tell anymore. When everything’s so forced and absurd all the time it’s hard to tell when something justifiable occurs. Kimmie Gibbler shows up looking hella fine and escorts Nelson and his enormous nostrils out the door for a long night of hot fucking.

Michelle and her stupid little friends hold another meeting of their secret club and then Danny comes in with a bowl of popcorn and totally spills the beans about knowing about their club. The kids all get super pissed at Michelle for telling her dad about the club and expel her, which is probably the best decision they’ve ever made.

There’s so much to unpack here. First of all, what the fuck is wrong with Danny that he just came in there and blabbed about their secret club after Michelle made such a big deal about not doing exactly that? Maybe it’s excusable that he’d forget, though, because who even gives a shit about some stupid little kids secret club? Why’s the club even a secret anyway? It’s not like they were cooking meth at their meetings or anything. They were just like jumping on the beds and doing ninja kicks and shit. The other thing that’s kind of amazing here is that after the kids leave, Michelle immediately blames Danny for ruining her club, taking no responsibility whatsoever for telling him about it in the first place. Granted, he still should have known better than to tell everyone that he knew about the club, but Michelle’s the one who told him about it in the first place. Her complete lack of accountability is a really disturbing recurring element on this show. And does Danny call her out on this? Of course not. He just sits there looking apologetic as sad music plays. This is just like the time Michelle blamed Jesse for the dog running away after she walked him when she wasn’t supposed to. Maybe if they’d taught her a lesson about accountability then, she wouldn’t be pulling the same bullshit now. When’s that very special lesson going to come up? When’s some gentle music going to play as some adult sits her down and explains to her that she’s responsible for her own actions and can’t just go around blaming everyone else every time she fucks up. Seriously, when the fuck’s that talk going to happen?

Some time later, Danny sits in the kitchen with Joey, still overwhelmed with remorse. Michelle comes in and tells him again to go fuck himself for ruining her secret club and then leaves. Danny asks Joey how he can regain Michelle’s good graces and Joey tells him about an inside scoop he got about a toy store that’s getting a new shipment of Super Fortresses so he can buy one and win her love back.

DJ sits down for a very special talk with Aunt Becky, who’s padding her list of guys that she fucked because she remembered what a total man whore Jesse was in the first Season. DJ tells Becky about how she doesn’t like that Kimmie Gibbler is dating Nelson and Becky says that it’s normal to feel weird about shit like that but you can’t just be an asshole and claim some guy that you don’t even want.

Jesse comes in with his list of sexual conquests and it’s like a goddamn phone book. He shows it to her and it turns out that it just says “Rebecca” over and over again, which is really creepy, not to mention a total waste of paper (you know that shit isn’t gonna get recycled). Why didn’t he just write it once? Was he managing the Overlook Hotel when he wrote his list? Anyway, Becky is touched by this display of love that only a murderer would think of so they make up.

Danny, Joey, and for some reason Jesse all wait for the toy store to open so they can buy a Super Fortress. They are immediately trampled by the onslaught of eager consumers, many of whom are also probably trying to win their children’s love without going through all the trouble of learning any parenting skills.

There’s an extended period of physical comedy that involves lots of clamoring and conflict with other parents and in the end the dads are unable to secure a Super Fortress.

As Joey and Danny escort Jesse’s battered frame out of the toy store, a seedy individual beckons them over to him and asks if they’re looking for Super Fortresses.

Kimmie Gibbler comes over to show off the hickey she got on her date as an added fuck you to DJ. DJ responds gracefully by admitting that she was jealous and saying that she wishes them the best, so they hug, which makes the audience go, “aww.” Immediately afterwards, Stephanie sees an article in the sports section of the newspaper that shows Kimmie Gibbler getting hit in the neck with a foul ball at the game. Well isn’t that convenient!??! I wish that I could stumble upon newspaper articles that debunked lies people told me at exactly the same moment that the lie was taking place. No one would ever pull a fast one on me then.

All the kids from the Mighty Mutant Super Kids Club wait in Michelle’s room with her to find out why Danny called all of them over. They ask Michelle what it’s all about and she says that she doesn’t know. I like the idea that Danny called all of these kids up himself and invited them over. Their parents must really not give a shit about them. Danny comes into the room and tells the kids that they can have the Super Fortress that he bought if they let Michelle back into their stupid club. The kids all exuberantly descend upon the playset but their enthusiasm is quickly extinguished when they come to the realization that Danny got ripped off and all the parts of the playset were replaced by figurines of U.S. presidents.

Danny is dismayed by this revelation because he got ripped off for $75, which all the kids laugh at him for. Michelle tells them to all shut their fucking mouths and stop laughing at her idiot dad because at least he tried to buy their friendship on her behalf. Danny hugs Michelle and the audience goes, “aww” and then he tells the kids that it was shitty of Michelle to tell him about the club, and also shitty that he told them that he knew about it, and maybe even shittier that he tried to buy their friendship back with an expensive toy, but it’s been pretty well established by this point that the Tanner family are all terrible people so what’s the point of reacting accordingly to it now, after so many years of inexplicable tolerance? The kids all agree that it’s their lot in life to put up with Michelle’s stupid bullshit so they let her back into the club. Hey, that’s two episodes in a row where the music never came on. I’d say that this show was making progress but, aside from omitting that one terrible element, it’s clearly getting worse.

187 Responses to Season 8, Episode 4, “I’ve Got a Secret”

That is a REALLY good question. Wow. Especially even more confusing when you consider how many people saw that outfit at some point before she went on camera wearing it. Did anybody at least try and say anything about it at some point?

At least now Becky will finally know the names of the women whose STD’s she’s contracted.

This line made me laugh very much :D.

Michelle asks Danny for $39 dollars and he’s like, “fuck no,” then she asks Joey and he’s like, “sure,” and then he asks Danny to loan it to him. If that doesn’t completely summarize their relationship, I don’t know what does.

So true *Nods*. Also, I never need to see Joey stick his tongue out again, kthx.

As for Becky and Jesse’s storyline-I get why Becky would find it a little odd that Jesse would keep a T-shirt that reminds him of an old girlfriend, but at the same time, it’s all in the past, so it seems weird to get so bugged about it to me. And anyone who’s watched one of these kinds of sitcoms would know they’d make up and he’d tell her she was the most special woman in his life in the end anyway, so why bother at all, really?

As for Michelle…*Throws hands up in despair*. I completely agree with your rant about that much-needed talk, of course, but we’ve clearly lost the battle on that one. I just love that Danny got so bothered over that. Just explain to her and her friends it was a mistake and let them decide from there whether or not they want to get over it.

Amen but at this point, Angela, we’ve seen so much (Joey in the tub, Danny in the tub with the twins, Jesse spraying whipped cream on Joey’s burning tuchus), that at least we probably have a higher tolerance than most people 🙂

Completely agreed about Becky and Jersey. It seems that a healthily married couple wouldn’t need to resort to such childish games just to determine who used to get more ass.

EXACTLY! And unless you or your husband were total shut-in types (and I mean no offense to the shut-ins of the world), chances are good you dated a few people at some point in your life before you got married. This should not be shocking news to your spouse. The number might be interesting, but yeah. There were others. That’s how you learn who is and isn’t “the one” for you.

Angela, Kimmy dresses in nightmarish ways from time to time! As for Jesse’s sexual prowess, well the theory is that anyone you sleep with you sleep with their past conquests. The thing about the STDs reminds me of the Angel the Pool Boy skit on SNL with Ashton Kutcher who was Angel and he slept with his employer who was over 100 years old. She gave him a ton of STDs and some were so old they had rascist names like crabs Rangoon. Danny should tell Michelle’s friends that people do blab things they aren’t suppose to from time to time!

I’ve heard that saying, yeah. I personally don’t agree with it, though. All I’d be interested in in regards to a boyfriend or husband’s sexual past is that he was being safe and everything was consensual and all that good stuff. Once that’s established we’re good to go, I think.

I think seasons 9 and 10 if it came to that would showcase Jesse as a dude with a high sperm count! All these ladies he was with show up with his sons and daughters who all look like Nicky and Alex. The rage Becky will show will make the rage of the infamous queen, Bloody Mary seem like a slight tantrum!

I think “The Simpsons” sort of had that idea! Homer needed money over the years and he would go to the Shelbyville sperm bank for deposits and at the end, he did it too many times with all those dull-witted progeny of his running around!

The skirt is weird and bad, yes, but the focal point of the outfit is the hemmed, long john style, button up, white camel toe shorts. Actually it’s like the whole outfit frames the camel toe. Takes work to have an outfit that potently awful.

I find it really weird that Jesse even has a KISS T-shirt in the first place. He’s such a wiener, always listening to oldies and Elvis. This just doesn’t seem fitting of his character, but then again, when have the writers ever cared about that?

My goodness! There are so many winners in this one that I can’t even recount them all. My personal favorites are:

It’s just this type of uncreative pandering that really exemplifies why this is the worst show of all time. Some idiot does something annoying and then some ugly little kids repeat it and the audience eats it up. That’s Full House in a nut shell.

At least now Becky will finally know the names of the women whose STD’s she’s contracted.

Why didn’t he just write it once? Was he managing the Overlook Hotel when he wrote his list?

Brilliant work.

Some thoughts:

1. What a healthy relationship Becky and Jesse have. They have been married for four years and have two healthy children, and yet they still need to argue over who was sluttier back in the day. Or is this just typical behavior for such a goodlooking couple?

2. Thank you, DJ, for continuing to be the only Full House resident who experiences normal human emotions that make sense and for rectifying poor behaviors like a sympathetic human being.

3. On to the A plot. It was pretty lame of Danny to spill the beans about Michelle’s club, but it was just a mistake. Parents forget that little insignificant things like secrecy of a club are actually important to kids. He needs to teach Michelle to graciously accept genuine apologies and not make the offender(s) grovel and put their lives in danger to appease her.

OKAY now that that’s out of the way, allow me to share a precious anecdote about a secret club that I formed with one of my childhood girlfriends at age 8: The Sexy Club. For real. My friend Julie came over my house one day, and we decided that we were just so damn sexy that we needed to form a club. We ransacked my closet, tried on all of my (and my twin sister’s) new clothes, tied up the shirts so that our midriffs were exposed, put on my mom’s makeup, danced rather provocatively on my parents’ bed, and sung songs about how sexy we were. We even gave ourself “sexy names”: mine was Rosa Sexy.

Now THAT was a club that we understandably wanted to be kept a secret from our parents. And it puts Michelle’s silly ninja one to shame.

OMG that is so funny! I, too, had a similar club when I was little! My neighbor and I had our own girl band inspired by our favorite childhood tv show, Jem and the Holograms. We were called “The Unmature Ladies” (because immature just didn’t sound right) and we were always competing against our rival girl band, “Raggy Shaggy Naked” (that was the meanest name we could think of). We dressed up in our most stylin’ outfits and performed songs on my front porch. Our most popular hit to date was “I’m ten, she’s eight.”

OMG, thank you for sharing your precious childhood anecdote! I was literally laughing out loud.

Related – when I was in high school my friend and I loved the phrase “too damn sexy” and the word sexy in general. We even had a little song and we’d just sing the words “sexy, too damn sexy” over and over. I have no idea what brought all that one, but once it was in our heads, there wasn’t any way of getting it out.

Seriously, I love how you just decided you were so “damn sexy”. Adorable.

Totally off the topic of clubs, but the whole “sexy” discussion reminds me of a time back when I was a kid where my sister and I, along with a friend of ours, were sitting outside playing with Barbies…

…and for some reason we suddenly decided to take off all the dolls’ clothes and throw the dolls in the air while quoting from that one “Rugrats” episode where Tommy decides he wants to walk around naked. We just kept yelling, “Nakey is…NAKEY!” over and over.

Agh, I’m late!
LTL- I think I can beat you..when me and my best friend were like, 10, we had a club called..wait for it.. “Th Sperm Club” Swear to god…we were randomly wondering if men were born with sperm, or get them when they go through puberty (ridiculous, I know), and we asked a bunch of neighborhood boys around our age and then we were all hanging out in her backyard and dubbed ourselves “The Sperm Club”… It’s amusing and disturbing all at once…

Jamie, I heard women are born with all the eggs that will last them from infancy until menopause or something! I do think you get the sperm when you hit puberty, but I am not sure! I remember a movie where a boy thought a man produced Spam because he misheard sperm as Spam!

LTL, you and your sister are twins? Which one is the evil one? Did you two ever dress up in identical blue dresses like those little girls did in “The Shining”? Maybe the writer of this episode was watching “The Shining” one too many times! I always thought DJ was the only normal one in this island of insanity! I think your club sounds like fun, but if a kid mentions the word sexy at school with zero tolerance in place, the teachers think the kid’s a pervert! I heard a comedienne on TV named Mary Jo Peele who wanted to change her name to Sexa! She was widowed all of a sudden when she found her husband Dwayne face down in his cereal one morning. She said his name was really Wayne and she just added the Duh! She also said that when his funeral came up, their families and a friend showed up! Usually it’s friends who show up!

I saw the girls who played the two little girls in blue dresses in “The Shining” and they are identical twins who played a ten year old and her eight year old sister. I saw them on Cracked.com. I also saw Barrett Oliver who was Bastian from “The Neverending Story” and he looked like he was auditioning for “The Duck Dynasty”! Kind of a shame because he was an attractive boy! I also liked Noah Hathaway from the same movie and he still looks good!

I’m pretty sure the “main character gets trampled by a mob clamoring for a hot new toy” was a fairly widespread trope in TV and movies in the early 90s, one of those things where a well-publicized one-off news story (the fervor over Tickle-Me-Elmos) led to a crap ton of fictional stories inspired by it, of which Jingle all the Way was probably the apex, simply because it managed to suck in Arnold Schwarzenegger, arguably one of the biggest and most reliable box office draws at the time.

My dad worked at Toys ‘R Us during the Cabbage Patch craze. Because he is tall, he was assigned to stand by the dolls with a baseball bat when new shipments came in to the store. His job was part crowd control, part breaking up fights, and parting hitting down the Cabbage Patch Kids that were tossed from parent to parent.

Is your dad muscular? My dad is tall, thin, and once he put on my shorts by accident and they fit him! I didn’t know whether to laugh or kill myself! Maybe a long sword or blade would be better for your dad during Cabbage Patch doll duty. He could have said, “If you steal a doll, I will go Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut off your hand!”. I got that line from “Kick Ass 2.”

That’s true! I was born in ’76, so Cabbage Patch dolls were all the rage when I was like 8 years old. My mom said there was always stampedes at toy stores when new shipments came in. It’s funny, cuz she snagged 2 extra dolls back in 1985 in case she ever needed them, she ended up not needing them, so now we have 2 vintage 1985 dolls in original boxes and they’re not worth anything these days, LOL

Bet they’re worth something on eBay. My mother was in a store once around that time and there was only one CPK doll left, in a damaged box. She decided not to buy it because of the box, but in hindsight (like 30 years later), she’s now kind of wishing that she had just bought it.

I was born in ’76 as well and I still think to this day that my mom should kiss my ass because I HATED Cabbage Patch dolls. I thought they were so ugly and I was just never a baby doll kid anyway. (Which is not surprising as I’m adamantly childfree and just have always had about zero interest in babies.) So my mom lucked out in that she didn’t need to brave the crowds that particular Christmas.

Though to be honest, even if I really wanted one, I doubt my mom would have gone through that much hassle.

LTL, Comet was so much better at everything than Jesse and Joey were! Plus, he looked cuter in hats. If Comet wore a beret in the destroy the kitchen with cement episode instead of Joey, we would say he was so cute!

I was wondering about that, because in the last screenshot of her, it seems like she is showing less-bright-red roots. That would be really sad if they dyed her hair to make it a brighter red for the show 😦

Wow. I’ve never been up so early to read FHR when it first “airs” on Fridays. So I apologize to everyone for bringing about this sign of the apocalypse! (I never am up at 9 am but for some reason I am today.)

Anyhoo – this review was excellent. I so wish the characters would actually talk like Billy implies. If they actually used that sort of language I think the show could have been bearable. But then again, I am a major fan of foul language, so I could be biased on that.

Before I even read it – I had the EXACT same thought about the Gibbler’s outfit. Seriously, what the fuck is up with that outfit? Those look like thermal underwear SHORTS. That’s all sorts of wrong and fucked up.

I LOVE the 90s. That was just my decade and I get super nostalgic for it. But those clothes are not something I miss. A couple years ago when I was in a nostalgic mood I started re-watching Beverly Hills 90210 from the beginning and was laughing myself silly over some of the fashions.

I’ve been rewatching 90210 recently (because I just inexplicably got SoapNet) and as someone who lived her pre-teen through teenage years in the 90’s, it has really been eye opening. I was OBSESSED with Kelly Taylor. I thought she was the coolest girl ever and would have done just about anything for her hair and clothes. Watching back now, though, well…she had some funky bangs, a lot of scrunchies, and she dressed like a bank teller.

But not even the most heinous Donna Martin get-up could come close to matching Kimmie Gibbler’s outfit. It looks like a mental patient wearing a diaper put on a doll’s skirt and ran for it. She must have royally pissed someone off in wardrobe to be given that outfit.

Kimmie Gibler is dressed like an escaped mental patient (why hasn’t anyone mentioned her button-front tighty-whities over red tights combo? I guess because of our collective midriff skirt and boob sling distraction… In the same outfit…?) and DJ looks like a sister-wife.

did anybody else notice that awesome picture of Joey and Jesse on DJ’s bulletin board? why does that picture exist? Why does DJ have it on display? When I was a teenager my pics were all of my friends and I, not 2 losers that I lived with! I’m surprised she doesn’t also have a picture of Michelle up there. And I wonder what her 3rd place ribbon is for?

lol I have a picture of my mom and her sister when they were kids, on my bulletin board in my room–including a couple random candid pictures of my aunt. Yes I still have one and it’s been in there since as long as I can remember. I just have some special papers and pictures and a small chalkboard tacked on to it.

I was wondering all those same things. I remember bulletin boards were quite the thing back in the day but no self respecting kid I knew would ever have photos of anyone they were RELATED to. GAH. I know, I know DJ’s not related to Joey. Lucky girl.

Jermsey and Joey shaking hands like they just completed some failed business venture was the first thing I noticed too (and I’m quick to focus on antiquated technology). Though it could be from any number of failed ventures, I’ll assume it was a photograph taken to honour their pact to bleed the well to do Tanner family (by which I mean Danny and let’s assume Pam had a huge life insurance windfall for them) of all their money while they deposit all of the money from their DJ work they sometimes show up for, the rare success at the Smash Club, Japanese album sales, Ranger Gord money, etc in an off-shore Cayman Islands bank account.

Assuming that Joey and Jesse have been planning since the 80s to sail away in the Gay Love Boat Papouli, it makes their disregard for anyone in the Full House (Joey in general, Jesse for his wife and kids) make much more sense. Unfortunately Michelle’s demon powers cause them to show some legitimate care for her complete nonsense which sidetracks their plans.

Oh dear, the feminist in me is screaming about classifying “girls” and “boys” toys by their color scheme, in this case pale lavender. But the oh-my-god-this-shitty-show in me is screaming, “I KNOW, RIGHT??!!11!!??”

Kind of like the 2 Jennifers did on the child abuse episode? I say get the boys red and blue bikes or green bikes. I see all those colors as gender neutral. Don’t you find it odd that Jesse was bent out of shape over peach and mint green knitted booties but he had no problem with lavender bikes for his sons? I do think boys gravitate towards colors like red and blue and girls are partial to lavender.

The fact that he was all bent out of shape over his NEWBORNS wearing booties just shows how shitty a father he is. Worrying about his sons’ (read: his own) manliness the moment they’re home from the hospital.

OM, I think he was upset about the colors his MIL picked out for his sons. If the colors were teal and blue, he wouldn’t have been that upset! I think when N & A were babies his attitude towards their health was blasé! I mean, a bald baby or even one with hair should wear a cap outside but Jesse was worried about stunted hair growth! I didn’t like how he told Becky when the kids were sick as babies for them to suck it up like real men!

And how exactly are the kids supposed to acquire this fortress thing WITHOUT telling an adult? They’re like, seven years old. It’s not like they can drive themselves to the toy store and spend their own money. Dumbshits.

In regards to Jermsey listing “REBECCA REBECCA REBECCA” over and over… We all know that’s a big fat fuckin’ lie, because he was bringing home a different bimbo every night for the first couple seasons.

I’d like to petition that the name of this episode be changed to “The Full House Revels In It’s Own Meta Shittiness.”
Also, just for clarification: That’s not a skirt. It’s the bottom half of that white tank top. I get that she was wearing it over a t-shirt, and I get the tights/leggings, but the boxer briefs? No. For correct 90’s fashion, replace boxer briefs with actual boxers.
Why do I remember this shit?

Well, yeah, but the point is I didn’t even realize there *were* ads until he mentioned it, because I never go to the home page. If there were ads on every page, then I would probably click them more often (and not just me, but every other jerk who reads this site but doesn’t participate in the comments).

I couldn’t breathe when you mentioned Kimmy’s outfit. I watched this episode the other day and immediately asked myself where the hell she bought it. To me, it kind of looks like she’s wearing a onesie, what are all those buttons for? Seems like it’d make going to the bathroom a huge hassle.

“This is just like the time Michelle blamed Jesse for the dog running away after she walked him when she wasn’t supposed to.”

Right?? That shit pissed me off. Michelle just blames everyone else and they feel all bad and stuff… even though Michelle fucked up. She knew not to walk the dog, and she knew not to tell anyone about the club. Idiot.

It’s funny how this episode has three plots – there’s so much going on in this episode. And then there are the episodes where nothing happens at all. You’d think they could’ve split things up a little bit. Except the Jesse/Becky plot had a really stupid ending. I wanted to know how many broads Jesse banged!

I just binge-caught up on a bunch of these. Over the winter, every time I got rejected from grad school, I would get sadness takeout and read Full House Reviewed (yup, I know that sounds). Today, I finished my first week of school. It was scary and hard and I have never felt more stupid, my friends are 2000 miles away, and I have no idea where the eff to get sadness takeout here, but Billy Superstar, your work has soothed me.

Also sorry to hear about your rough start-it’s never easy the first week as it is, but sometimes it can be particularly stressful. But it’s over, and once you get more comfortable with your classes and the teachers and fellow students, I think you’ll be just fine :). I hope school does start getting a lot better for you as soon as possible. And I hope you can see your friends again soon, too.

In the meantime, yeah, pull up a chair and hang out here. This place seems to do wonders for people’s emotional state :D.

Amy, I am in school also and in Basic Anatomy, I am studying basic chemistry and I haven’t studied that since I was 12 (28 some years ago)! I use a mnemonic system of remembering sodium as Na by asking, “Do I want salt? Nah, I can’t have salt.”. That helps when I study. I think when you get used to the teacher’s methods and do your best, you’ll succeed! As for your friends, maybe write or e-mail them. They probably think of you as well! Good luck to you !

Oh lord, Kimmie. What on earth are you wearing, dear? How do shows get away with giving their casts such terrible outfits? Full House did it then, Disney does it now… No one wears three different tops with a pair of jeans and a skirt over the top on a casual school day.

I’m specifically thinking of that dancing show, Shake It Up. For reference:

Granted, they definitely aren’t as out there as Kimmie’s outfits, but nothing matches in the slightest. And why so many layers????? I’m definitely in approval of letting people wear whatever the fuck they want in the world, but sometimes you just have to question some choices. Even Kimmie Gibbler’s.

As for the review, brilliant once again. This episode sounds incredibly boring to watch though. Who gives a shit about a kid’s secret club with her shitty friends when there are other more interesting characters?

*slowly raises hand in air* *tiny voice* Me. I do. Three layers, unless it’s summer. A long tank top as the first layer, because I have a freakishly long torso, then a t-shirt over that (which is always too short because of the aforementioned torso), and because I have bad circulation, a hoodie over the t-shirt.

The only time I wear three layers is when I wear a t shirt, a hoodie, and a jacket, because my usual jacket doesn’t have it’s own hood. But saying that, I do always seem to dress in too little for the weather. Of course, it’s hard to judge what Scottish weather will be. We get every season in a day…

“Was he managing the Overlook Hotel when he wrote his list?” I died when I read that line! Lots of great lines in these posts each week, but this is by far the best! Thanks for making me laugh every Friday!

This episode reminds me of Jingle All the Way, which was inspired by the real life crazies who got into fights for dumb toys their children are going to outgrow in a couple of years anyway. I can’t believe there are parents that do that.

I just remembered Family Matters had the same type of episode. Carl was trying to find a teddy bear for little Richie and got into a brawl. I feel like there are probably other shows that did the same thing but I can’t remember them off the top of my head.

So wait, Michelle tells Danny about the club, gets kicked out of it, but blames Danny when it was her own fault for blabbing about the club in the first place? Now I remember why I always skip over this episode. And if that’s not bad enough, the adults buy her some dumb toy to make up for it? This is what turns kids into self entitled little monsters, but Michelle is way past that now….

Total word on Kimmy’s outfit too. That get up looks like she got dressed in the dark for sure. Ditto to Michelle’s outfit in the final scene. That’s ugly even for the 90s.

I assumed she was really on a date. The thing that was disproven was that Nelson gave her a hickey. Likely, they went to the game and came home, without any makeout session, let alone one that would give you a hickey.

And am I the only guy who would not see any fun in sucking on a girl’s neck so hard that it left a mark? What’s attractive about a neck?

It took me a couple of tries to write this comment, mostly because I was so distracted by that screencap of that Godawful outfit Kimmie Gibler is wearing. I had to keep scrolling up to look at it and recoil in horror. You have unanswered questions about the skirt- but I’m really confused by the short/red tights combination. Jesus Christ.

Leave it to Danny to try and buy Michelle’s love and friends back. Once again, Michelle gets exactly what she wants without accepting responsibility for her careless and usually horrible actions. It’s like this show doesn’t even care about trying to teach it’s viewers a lesson anymore- although it never really hit the mark when it DID try, right?

“Why’s the club even a secret anyway? It’s not like they were cooking meth at their meetings or anything.”

I feel like this show would have been entirely more tolerable had they gone down a “Breaking Bad” route. Danny turning into a Walter White-esque villain would have been watchable.

“Was he managing the Overlook Hotel when he wrote his list?”

Well, Walter White-esque villain or Jack Torrance-esque axe murderer. At this point I would have taken either one.

Actually, DJ owns a Mac. If it’s something like a Mac Classic II, released in 1991, it would only be, like, three years old. For some reason, they covered up the Apple logos. They actually did this again in a later episode with a video game console. In the one where the family gets obsessed with a video game Michelle is playing, the console is clearly a Super Nintendo, but you only see it from the back, and the controller looks more like an NES Advantage than any SNES controller, though the controller was probably just a prop (or some generic PC controller, or something).

Evil Roda, the Apple company is quite nice about it when movie producers want to borrow computer equipment. They allowed the producers and director of “Sinister” to borrow the computers. Even a company that makes bourbon allowed them to use their product.

I also want to point out how adorably wee Miko Hughes was and still is. Notably in the screencap where Aaron, Lisa, and Derek are sitting on the bed and Aaron’s feet are several inches off the ground while everybody else has their feet resting on the floor.

Yes, he is! He was the shortest kid in “Kindergarten Cop” and the smallest member of the Creed family in “Pet Sematary” who killed Fred Gwynne! I guess the murderer in every movie or story is the one you least suspect!

V12, I am surprised “Full House” didn’t do an episode of Danny imagining what life would have been like with 3 sons instead of 3 daughters. “Malcolm in the Middle” did an episode with Lois the mom thinking of having 3 daughters instead of 3 sons. Malcolm became Mallory, Reese was Renee, and Dewey was Daisy. Hal was fat and at the end, the daughters were all large screw-ups and oldest son, Francis was still Frances and the male actor who was him wore drag. I think if they reversed the genders on FH, DJ would be Daniel, Jr and DJ would fit. I always thought DJ on “Roseanne” meant Daniel, Jr until Roseanne called him David Jacob once. Stephanie would be Seth and Michelle would be Michael. Nicky and Alex would be twin girls and they would still be Nicky and Alex, but their real names are Nicole and Alexandra.

That’s a pretty realistic-looking hickey on Kimmie’s neck though. I’ve been hit by an errant baseball before and I can tell you from experience that the bruise does NOT look like that! And if she was at a professional baseball game? Yeah, there would have been a massive bruise. So she was probably telling the truth about the hickey after all!

So, as many others have commented throughout the history/archives of this blog… I am late to this party AND I have finally caught up, and will have to wait for each friday to come along with everyone else. There’s not long to go now, as the seasons draw to a close, but I’m glad to have been shown the light that is this incredible blog and my heart goes out to our host, Billy, who will no doubt have some kind of long term issues because of these years of self abuse. Thank you, Billy. Your sacrifice has saved many from having to endure what you have endured.

Reading this blog makes me – along with a bunch of other people, obviously – want to do something similar, but I don’t think I could do it with such humour and integrity as has been displayed here. Plus I’d have to pick a show I actually LIKED because I don’t think I have Billy’s tenacity, and really, who wants to read a blog about me gushing about how awesome a show is. No one. That’s who.

Home stretch, guys. The light at the end of the tunnel is fast approaching, and since I haven’t heard any talk of a Full House movie (reboot OR reunion) or some kind of “Full House: The Next Generation” continuation, we can safely say the light is indeed the end of this train wreck.

Ah, I did that (start a blog like this one, but based on a show that I kind of like). I’ve found that there are things that I admire about said show (which I do talk about), but there are still plenty on things to make fun of. I have to watch each episode 3 or 4 times to get the right notes and take screen captures, so it does get old quickly. (I hope Billy watches each episode fewer times than I do, because, well, can you imagine?)
Don’t say “Full House: The Next Generation” too loudly. This shit storm made money before, and Hollywood is all about revamping these days to milk old stuff for new cash.
In the meantime, welcome to FHR, RaikoLives! 🙂

Plus I’d have to pick a show I actually LIKED because I don’t think I have Billy’s tenacity, and really, who wants to read a blog about me gushing about how awesome a show is. No one. That’s who.

I dunno, I would :). For one thing, even great shows have their “eh” episodes and moments, so it’d be interesting to see what you’d have to say about a show you love when it screws up with a storyline or a character or something. For another, there’s so much TV criticism out there nowadays, and I love reading some of it, I do, especially if it’s done as well as this site handles “Full House”. At the same time, though, it’s so rare to find people talking online nowadays about things they genuinely love, it seems, so it’d be nice to see some TV praise. And if it’s a show I or other readers haven’t seen, it’d make for a nice introduction and way to gain new fans! If I ever started a blog, I’d spend tons of time talking about shows, or bands, or movies that I love.

Anywho, that said, however, I fully agree with your post at large, and also welcome you to the FHR comments section! Glad you’re having as much fun with this blog as the rest of us, and look forward to your comments from here on out :D.

In an earlier season, DJ and Stephanie were yelling insults at each other, one of them being “nerdburger”. The other insults were similarly lame and included combinations like that. Billy suggested that he could create a new insult by pairing a random noun and another insult. Hence, “asshole Parthenon”.
As far as Jermsey goes, I don’t recall how the “M” made its way in there, but that was also an earlier episode, where Rebecca and Jesse announced their engagement, and the newspaper misspelled his name as “Jersey”. We just started calling him that because it pissed him off so much.

This blog…… is everything I’ve ever searched for in life and more. I am touched, riveted, and immeasurably overjoyed.
Plenty more comments from me… I must digest and process the magnitude of this awesomeness.

Wasn’t there an episode in the 2nd season or something where Jesse tried to buy Michelle love after fucking up at some shit as usual and Danny freaked out. Jesse blamed it on his dad bc his dad didnt care about him blah blah and bought him shit just to keep him the fuck away from him?

I have just discovered this amazing, amazing site but to add to the Lisa hair discussion – the actress Kathryn Zaremba had just starred as Annie Warbucks, hence the cartoon red hair and belty singing voice.

This episode has kind of a funny line in it not mentioned in the review and often cut in syndication. Becky makes up Larry Couchman as the name of one of her ex-paramours. When Jesse finds the list, he asks who the heck Bico Endtable is. Soooooooooo lame.

Watching as an adult really sheds a light on how bad the Michelle parenting was.

Oh, Aaron Bailey, what has become of you? You used to be such a cool ass dude and now you’ve been forced to pander to the whims of Derek and Michelle and the full house! Get out now! Get out before it’s too late!

I like to watch these episodes while I read your blog for extra fun…and what is driving me crazy is right now is in the first scene with the kids for some reason Michelle has one sock on and one sock off. WHY?!?!?