Search This Site

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Post #60 - Satanic Espresso Maker - 8/9/2009

I wrote this for some friends of mine whose espresso maker crapped out on them.

Dear Gaggia,

Each and every morning, I have a deeply religious experience. I roll out of bed, throw on my bathrobe and slippers, and march downstairs to my Gaggia Syncrony Compact CE Espresso Maker. I lovingly measure out the beans; grind them, all the while enjoying the aroma and sound of my morning beverage preparing itself before my eyes, ears, and nose.

This morning ritual is my happy time--I sacrifice it for nothing.

Early meeting? Get up a little earlier.

Telephone call? Call back later.

Screaming baby? Nature beats nurture.

Large laceration on my arm (and this actually happened)? That ambulance ride will feel a lot better after a nice shot of espresso from my Gaggia Syncrony Compact CE.

You can imagine how violated and betrayed I felt when the brown cow (that's what I call her) started acting insolent. That loving gurgle became an angry hiss. It started “peeing” all over the counter. The delightful frothy milk that used to grace my little Tad’s hot cocoa, began scalding his roof. Second degree burn, but first degree betrayal!

No offense, but if your Espresso Maker were a beloved family dog that harmed Tad, he’d be “sent away to live on a large farm.” Nobody scalds my Tad’s mouth. You get it? Nobody. I spent a lot of money on your machine, to ensure that I have a quality product that doesn’t need to be replaced. For a few years now, I felt like that investment was justified. Now I feel like I’ve invested a large sum of money for a machine that hisses and screams at me, and a Tad with a blister on his roof.

Worst of all, your Gaggia Syncrony Compact CE undermined me. I had told Tad that Cap’n Crunch was bad because it scrapes your roof. So now, if I ever again want espresso, I have to start buying him Cap’n Crunch. Do you see our dilema?

I demand a written explanation and resolution. No doubt you’ve manufactured a million of these things. No doubt, you’ve received a complaint or two. If you have some troubleshooting steps that you would like me to perform, let me know. If you are able to diagnose the problem based on my descriptions that would be acceptable as well. If you want to evaluate it for possible design improvements, please send me a shipping label.

Specifically: What would cause this? How do we fix it? Once it’s fixed, how do we ensure that it never happens again, to anyone?

Sincerely,

Jerry---------------------They never replied. Their website is all Italian--I needed to use a translator.