(I’m female, but due to my height, my short hair cut, and our gender neutral uniforms, I’m often mistaken as male.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me:*turns around* “Yes, sir?”

Customer:*blinks* “Oh, I’m sorry! I thought you were a man! Well, I mean, it’s not that you look masculine. Not that you look weak either! You’re very beautiful. I just saw short hair and a ball cap. Not that girls can’t wear ball caps! Or have short hair! I like short hair on women. It’s very nice! I mean, ah, your hair is. Some women can’t pull it off. I like your eyes!”

(The customer turns red and I am trying not to laugh.)

Me: “Thank you very much, sir. Can I slice you some lunch meat?”

Customer: “Yes. And then just toss it in the hole I tried to dig myself out of, would you?”

Me: “Not a problem. We cater to stranger requests.”

(As the customer is leaving, he gives me a very large smile.)

Customer: “You know something? You really ARE quite beautiful. Have a nice day!”

(We have one really racist customer who calls in every few hours, and asks ridiculous questions about the employees. When he gets answers he doesn’t like, he hangs up. One of our reps decides she’ll deal with him the next time he calls, so we pass the call along to her. It is slow, so a few of us crowd around to listen.)

Representative: “Thank you for calling [company]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “None of that s***! Before you help me, you have to pass a test. First of all, were you born in the state you live in?”

Representative: “No, sir. Now how may I help you?”

Caller: “That’s strike one. Were you born in the US?”

Representative: “Yes. Is that all?”

Caller: “How long has your family been here?”

Representative:*mischievous smile* “Which side are you inquiring about, sir?”

Caller: “Excuse me?”

Representative: “Well I’m assuming you have at least a rudimentary understanding of genetics. Therefore, unless your parents are brother and sister, you should have two sides to your family.”

Caller: “Who the f*** you think you are, asking me that?”

Representative: “Well, you’re the one who asked an unclear question, sir.”

Caller: “And you ain’t smart enough to know I meant BOTH sides of your family?”

Representative: “Well, sir, to answer your ambiguous question it depends on which part of the family you mean. Both my parents were born in the United States.”

(At the store I manage, we put sensors on expensive shoes. My sales manager comes up to inform me she has heard a customer popping one off of a shoe. I approach the customer.)

Me: “Hello, how are you doing today? Do you need any assistance?”

(I notice a sensor sitting next to him. I pick it up and hold it in my hand while assisting him. He picks up a shoe box, and starts to walk away.)

Customer: “No, I’m good.”

(He proceeds to look around the store while I follow him; I’m still holding the sensor. He puts the box he is carrying on a shelf, and starts to make his way out the door. I pick up the box to find it empty. He is walking down the sidewalk, so I run after him.)

Me: “Sir, give me back those shoes!”

Customer: “I don’t know what you’re talking about; you’re crazy!”

(He proceeds to run across the parking lot, with me in hot pursuit.)

Me: “Help! Help! Criminal! Criminal!”

(I am a small, 5’ young woman, chasing a 6’ man in his 30s. I start to lose steam, and am losing him. Out of nowhere, a security guard runs past me. The customer does not notice the guard, but starts dropping shoes out of his pants one by one. Thinking I am lagging behind, he turns back to pick up the shoes. He notices the security guard, and starts to run again. A car pulls up and tries to hit the shoplifter. He doesn’t hit him, but slows the man enough to allow the security guard to catch up. They proceed to wrestle, and the security guard takes the customer down. In the end, the customer is arrested, and I get all the shoes back!)