Removing Blame. . Even When It’s Really Hard

I’m back in NYC for a while. At first I didn’t know whether to unpack my bag, or leave it by the door as usual. I finally unpacked, did laundry and settled back into my NYC routine. I’ve been traveling so much it’s become the normal to be in 3 countries in 2 weeks, something that’s not quite normal, but a whole lot of fun. Self Care becomes a quest more than a reality no matter how much I prioritize, but after several days at home, my system has settled and is happy to be soaking up the familiarity of routine and nightly peanut butter ice cream.

I’ve been working through a lot on a personal and professional front. My business is expanding rapidly, requiring structure attention, and a lot of nurturing and support. The plants need watering even when they are producing fruit. I’m experiencing the same challenges outside of my business. I assume most entrepreneurs experience a similar parallel with personal and business growth. When business is personal, growth spurts, and challenges are often hauntingly similar. You give and produce what you have, what you are going through, what you are feeling, and what you are building toward.

In many of my personal and business situations it’s so easy to point fingers, blame, and accuse people of doing what they shouldn’t, when people do what they shouldn’t. They more my business expands, the more people there are to support, and I’m learning it’s completely normal for lots of things to be off balance at once. The Art of Balance as we know from yoga is swaying in the breeze. If the trees stiffened up they would be vulnerable to the slightest storm. Of course people shouldn’t act badly, and it’s easy to gather a group of supporters to vent and gain confidence, but the clear reality is what matters is how we react.

I’ve had many opportunities lately to either run from or face fears, challenges, and honestly people that I could easily and rightfully stand up and blame loudly for big mistakes. Exclaiming blame might appeal to be gratifying for a brief moment, but we know that gratification is highly temporary, and of course not the strategic, or most compassionate choice. We don’t have to put up with bad behavior, but we can take a pause, do nothing for a moment, and then decide how is best to handle from our highest intention.

I’ve been dealing with a storm of blame opportunities lately and I’ve finally been able to recognize them for what they are, not people doing cray things to waste my time, but opportunities to practice patience, face fear, and be strategic. It’s like space invaders for my Atari friends. It’s an asteroid shower, you better be ready to navigate. It’s fun to dodge the asteroids and fly clearly through space.

What has come after a series of these opportunities has been a calm, peaceful ease. I honestly can feel it in my physical body, mind, and the spaces I work and live in. It’s quite amazing, completely works, and it’s allowed me to believe and adjust how I see even the wackiest kinds of challenges. It’s all opportunity.

5 Steps to Changing the Blame Game

1. Acknowledge the situation for what it is. When something happens, it’s something that has happened. It might be a big deal, an annoying situation, or somewhere in between, but it did happen. When you take a moment to see what is happening, you can begin to see a bigger picture than your emotion and reaction in the moment.

2. Allow yourself to feel everything you feel. Blocking how we truly feel to deal with something never turns out well in the long run. Stop repression in its tracks and save yourself all the stress that leads to nasty oozing in the rest of your life. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Ask yourself, how do I feel. Get below the anger. Do you feel betrayed, hurt, stabbed, wronged? Why do you feel these things? Is it really the situation, or is it something deeper with how you react to things. Allow yourself to explore all of this. Grab the tissues and let it flow.

3. Take a moment, an hour, a day, a few days to do nothing. You’re feeling a lot and it’s time to cool off. Allow space and time for your emotions to settle so you can begin to see a clear path to dealing with yourself and the situation. Don’t touch the hot stove. Go find a towel. Let the pot cool. It’s not necessary or worthwhile to act right away. You’ll only make the situation worse. Practice patience. Oh yeah. That’s a good one. Turn your phone off if you have to. Take a bath. Do something to take care of you.

4. Prepare a strategic action that aligns with your highest attention. After you’ve chilled you can think about what your goals are and how best to achieve them by formulating an action. This isn’t necessarily a response, but an overall action to help you and your intention. Remove people. Remove emotion. Focus on your intention, your heart, your openness, and your goals.