Friday, March 17, 2017

DO YOU & YOUR KIDS HAVE AN X-PLAN?

(As seen on The Today Show, Good Housekeeping, HerViewFromHome, ScaryMommy, The Huffington Post, Mamamia, MomsEveryday, and numerous social and news media outlets. UPDATED – 3/3/2017)

Friends, as most of you know, I get to spend an hour each week with a
group of young people going through addiction recovery. Yes. Young
people. I’m talking teenagers who are locked away for at least six
months as they learn to overcome their addictions. I’m always humbled
and honored to get this time with these beautiful young souls that have
been so incredibly assaulted by a world they have yet to understand.
This also comes with the bittersweet knowledge that these kids still
have a fighting chance while several of my friends have already had to
bury their own children.

X-Plan

For
these reasons, we now have something called the “X-plan” in our
family. This simple, but powerful tool is a lifeline that our kids are
free to use at any time. Here’s how it works:

Let’s say that my youngest, Danny, gets dropped off at a party. If
anything about the situation makes him uncomfortable, all he has to do
is text the letter “X” to any of us (his mother, me, his older brother
or sister). The one who receives the text has a very basic script to
follow. Within a few minutes, they call Danny’s phone. When he
answers, the conversation goes like this:

“Hello?”“Danny, something’s come up and I have to come get you right now.”“What happened?”“I’ll tell you when I get there. Be ready to leave in five minutes. I’m on my way.”

At that point, Danny tells his friends that something’s happened at home, someone is coming to get him, and he has to leave.

In short, Danny knows he has a way out; at the same time, there’s no
pressure on him to open himself to any social ridicule. He has the
freedom to protect himself while continuing to grow and learn to
navigate his world.

This is one of the most loving things we’ve ever given him, and it
offers him a sense of security and confidence in a world that tends to
beat our young people into submission.

However,
there’s one critical component to the X-plan: Once he’s been extracted
from the trenches, Danny knows that he can tell us as much or as little
as he wants … but it’s completely up to him.
The X-plan comes with the agreement that we will pass no judgments and
ask no questions (even if he is 10 miles away from where he’s supposed
to be). This can be a hard thing for some parents (admit it, some of us
are complete control-freaks); but I promise it might not only save
them, but it will go a long way in building trust between you and your
kid.

(One caveat here is that Danny knows if someone is in danger, he has a
moral obligation to speak up for their protection, no matter what it
may cost him personally. That’s part of the lesson we try to teach our
kids—we are our brother’s keeper, and sometimes we have to stand for
those too weak to stand for themselves. Beyond that, he doesn’t have to
say a word to us. Ever.)

For many of us parents, we lament the intrusion of technology into
our relationships. I hate seeing people sit down to dinner together and
then proceed to stare into their phones. It drives me nuts when my
kids text me from another room in our house. However, cell phones
aren’t going away, so we need to find ways to use this technology to
help our kids in any way we can.

Since first publishing this piece, I’ve seen an incredible amount of
discussion about the pros and cons. Here are some of the questions folks
have had:

Doesn’t this encourage dishonesty?

Absolutely not. It actually presents an opportunity for you as a
parent to teach your kids that they can be honest (something DID come
up, and they DO have to leave), while learning that it’s okay to be
guarded in what they reveal to others. They don’t owe anyone an
explanation the next day, and if asked can give the honest answer, “It’s
private and I don’t want to talk about it.” Boom! Another chance for a
social skill life-lesson from Mom and Dad.

Does this cripple a kid socially instead of teaching them to stand up to others?

I know plenty of adults who struggle to stand up to others. This
simply gives your kid a safe way out as you continue to nurture that
valuable skill.

What if this becomes habitual?

If you’re regularly rescuing your kid, hopefully your family is having some conversations about that.

If you don’t talk about it or ask questions, how do they learn?

If you’re building a relationship of trust with your kids, they’ll
probably be the ones to start the conversation. More importantly, most
of these conversations need to take place on the FRONT-side of events.
Ever taken a cruise? They all make you go through the safety briefing in
case the boat sinks. They don’t wait until the ship’s on fire to start
telling you about the lifeboats. Talk with them. Let your kids ask
questions and give them frank answers.

If they’re not where they’re supposed to be, shouldn’t there be consequences?

Let’s be honest. A kid in fear of punishment is a lot less likely to
reach out for help when the world comes at them. Admitting that they’re
in over their heads is a pretty big life-lesson all by itself. However,
don’t get so caught up in all of the details. This isn’t a
one-size-fits-all scheme. Every parent, every kid, and every situation
is unique. What it might look like in your family could be totally
different from mine—and that’s okay.
I urge you to use some form of our X-plan in your home. If you honor
it, your kids will thank you for it. You never know when something so
simple could be the difference between your kid laughing with you at the
dinner table or spending six months in a recovery center … or (God
forbid) something far worse.

At the end of the day, however, the most important thing is that
you’re having some open, honest discussions with your kids. Keep
building a relationship of trust. This isn’t the same world we grew up
in. It’s not like sneaking a beer at Billy’s house anymore. Our kids
face things on a daily basis that—given one bad decision—can be fatal.
Don’t believe me? I’ve been to funerals for great kids from awesome
families.

Friends, it’s a dangerous world. And our kids are out in it everyday.
Prayers for strength and compassion to the parents out there as we
all try to figure out this whole parenting gig—it never gets easy.

I beg you to share this piece. Talk about it with your kids. If
this somehow gives just one kid a way out of a bad situation, we can all
feel privileged to have been a part of that.
#xplan

BEST KIDS MOVIES

SHOP FOR KIDS CLOTHING

BIRTH PLACE BABY TUTU

SPREAD LOVE & PEACE

AFFILIATE LINKS DISCLAIMER

Affiliate links disclaimer - As a brand ambassador, affiliate links will be used when possible to help support brand awareness. All Links that appear on this site may be affiliate links and should be considered as such. Mommy Warrior is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. If you buy through one of the links it is certainly appreciated.

AFFILIATE ADVERTISER

MommyWarriorLady.com is a participant in various affiliate advertising programs designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to their sites. It does not affect the views of my reviews or content.

THE POWER TO BE HAPPY

MEMBER OF:

.

MiaMoon Photography

BLOGLOVIN'

100 Motivational Quotes

REVIEWS & ADS

If you would like to buy an ad to advertise your business or product on the MWL Blog, please, email: MommyWarriorLady@gmail.com. We also provide product reviews and corporate ads - check out my profile on Fiverr.com to buy an ad: http://www.fiverr.com/mommywarrior