It is Sunday, Isaac has been off work for two weeks, we leave for Cal Polly SLO in six days, and he says to me “Hey mom would you be able to get a dental cleaning appointment for me this week? Oh and I need a hair cut.” Really? I manage to get him an appointment for the cleaning and the morning of his appointment he comes out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth and comments to me about how he thinks it is going to be a rough visit because his mouth is bleeding. I casually smile and say well that’s how it usually is when you don’t floss, and then finally do it the day of your appointment. He looks at me with his typical sheepish grin, and then says the words a parent never wants to hear from their 18-year-old child who is leaving for college in a few days, “Its not from flossing mom, they are bleeding from me brushing them. I kinda got out of the habit of brushing my teeth.”

I am totally mortified. I am speechless. I have failed in a rudimentary way as a parent and mom. What exactly do you say to that? This boy is going to college?

It is now Thursday and his friend Troy is over to say goodbye. Boys are really awkward with goodbyes. A quick hug, a fist pump, a joke about being non-emotional and off he goes to get his haircut. He packs the rental Saturday with the help of his dad. Tetrus like engineering to fit all his stuff and still leave room for me, my sister and his lanky body to almost fit as we make our 12 hour car ride to San Luis Obispo. A tearful goodbye from his dad and sister at 7:00am Sunday morning(the brothers said goodbye last night, no need to get up early) and our adventure to his future begins.

We arrive with no problems, find our hotel and talk about the morning move in. I have all the paperwork, the parking permit printed and the do’s and don’ts memorized. I am trying to talk to him about logistics, what time we want to get there, meeting his roommates etc. Isaac calmly says to me “Mom, I want to sleep in till 11:00, I am going to be there 4 years, there is no rush.” Really? what about your mom and her panic and need to get there and fix things and know that you are going to be okay, what if you need more things, or we forget something, what if there is an apocalypse and you never get to see your dorm room? Really? You will be able to sleep in on the day your new life of college and future as you know it begins?

Monday I am up early, my stomach hurts, I am a nervous wreck. Isaac sleeps. My sister and I get up, get dressed, and go to have breakfast so that I do not jump on my boy and wake him up because of my nerves. I drink coffee, look at the beautiful view and pray for time to move faster and stop all at the same time. I so wish my husband could be here. He is coping about as well as I am but has to do his from a distance. He loses his glasses and spends an hour looking for them before going to work late with his prescription sun glasses instead.

My sister tries to keep me occupied as the minutes creep by. I breathe in, I breathe out. I think of him when he was born, I think of his first steps and first words. I groan as I think of the sarcastic, laid back, man-child he has become. Can I get him up yet? We go back to the room at 10:00. I jump on his bed and hold him tight. Isaac asks what time it is, and when I tell him, he groans and growls at me. I ignore him. I look over and notice my bed has been made. My sister and I look at each other oddly. How did that happen? We ask Isaac. He mumbles something about the maid coming in, not knowing he was still in bed. She started on our bed and threw some pillows on him. When she turned to get them, she realized Isaac was there, gave a quick start, apologized and left. Only Isaac I think to myself.

It is now Tuesday afternoon, he is moved in, we have been to orientation, I have bought my Cal Poly Mom sticker and Isaac is off with his roommate and new friends getting their cards for the athletic center. I want to take a nap because I am emotionally, and physically exhausted but I don’t think Isaac would appreciate his mom crawling up on his bunk and sleeping, instead I decide to write him my good-bye letter.

Isaac,

You are off with Cole being a college boy as I sit in your dorm room. You have tolerated very well my comings and goings, my nervous over reactions and my extra affection. Thank you.

So often I have thought what I might want to say to you at this moment. Flash backs of your childhood, your buck teeth, your high school years and your laid back, goofy smile. I do not have any advice. I do not have any real concerns about you here. It is a perfect fit- you will do well, thrive. Spread your long wing span and fly.

You know all the other stuff but maybe you need it in print to be able to look back at.

We trust you – Make decisions, make mistakes, fall on your face and get back up. We trust you. You know how to make good choices, make them freely.

I am ALWAYS your MOM – I will always worry a bit, I will ask too many questions, I will ‘baby’ you about food, rest, water, girls- it is just who I am, but I will try really hard to limit my vocal worry to when you are not with your college friends.

Remember who you are and Whose you are – You Isaac are a child of God, beautifully and wonderfully made. It matters not what you claim to believe right now, only that you know you are not an accident. You are here for a purpose. Find that purpose and live a life worthy of your uniqueness.

Laugh every day – Find joy in the small things. When it is hard and you are stressed out and life really sucks remember a corny joke your dad told. Remember Gus and how he dances with you and will be so excited to see you. Watch a stupid, crass, no redeeming value movie or an episode of Tosh.O. Laughter heals, laughter calms, laugh to survive

I will miss you, I do already. There is a spot in my heart that is Isaac shaped. It formed when you were conceived and will be with me till I die. It has to adjust and change to not having a daily interaction with you, it will feel empty but it will adjust-it will not diminish, it will not be forgotten, it will be different.

I love you Isaac Scott Johnson, MOM

Its Friday, he has been sleeping in his dorm for three nights. I am home getting ready to go to two football games, help with a basketball fundraiser and work at the shop. I have heard from him in one word texts. He likes his roommates. He is brushing his teeth. It is enough.