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Thanks for the very pointed feedback. I can say that we have taken action regarding her job. She has a part time job now. She is not thrilled with the job and I am helping her with her search for something more rewarding. She may end up back in school (looking into this now). So it's not all about T and me and sex. It's about her search for happiness and meaning in her life now that she has spent so much time as a mom. I totally support her in that. And she is turning optimistic now that she sees that I am there for her in her search. So the picture to me isnt so grim. The crAppy part is that she thought that she could not expect my support as she tried to change. That's partly my fault for being the same old husband for so long. She assumed the worst and acted accordingly. I think she now sees that if she is fair and honest, I actually might be helpful. And her optimism is making everyone around her feel better, which in turn makes her feel better. What a great cycle that can become. Finally a chance for all the pessimism to turn positive.

I know all this can change at any moment. I am still not taking a long view. Taking small steps day by dAy.

That's good to hear RC, one day at a time works best, I think even though it can be frustrating to not know where things are going.

Maybe. Or maybe learning to live each day as it comes without a plan is freeing.

I'm finding that when I thought I knew where things were going I was mistaken. We never know where they're going. If you understand and accept that, you can take twists and turns and variations a lot easier because they are just movement forward in various directions, not a diverting from the "plan".

(I say this as someone who likes the fake-security of plans but is having to learn to deal with reality instead. )

I try to live one day at a time and I know that you can never really know where things are going but it can be frustrating. I guess with me I just like to know things are going somewhere as opposed to nowhere. That is probably my inexperience in poly speaking though.

Clearly I have a longer view when it comes to things like my kids, finances, retirement planning, etc. But when it comes to my relationship and my emotional state, I think I had the false impression that I had a plan and it would magically all come together. Now I have learned that I cant count on that. So I have a general set of goals I am aiming for, but no mandatory path to arrive at these goals. However I get there is fine as long as I stay on target. It is a bit liberating to be less contrained by the rigidity of a set path. But I am not foolish enough to live without any idea of where i would like to go!

So I have a general set of goals I am aiming for, but no mandatory path to arrive at these goals. However I get there is fine as long as I stay on target. It is a bit liberating to be less contrained by the rigidity of a set path. But I am not foolish enough to live without any idea of where i would like to go!

I think this is very common in marriages and why so many fail. One of the things I came up with when our marriage councelor asked us for goals to work toward, was I wanted a true "partnership". I think that re-defining things thus helped us step away from "but a marriage is supposed to work like..." mindset. It's so easy to think we are just "supposed" to willingly sacrifice oursleves for marriage (or expect the other person to do this). When I changed my terminology, it was easier to make the adjustments needed as they arose. Speaking up when things are out of whack is just as hard as having to hear it and yet both need to happen.

Given the many ups and downs, you might also consider what steps you would need to take if everything goes sour again. In simple terms, have the groundwork laid in place for both a successful path and an alternative path. Perhaps knowing that you have either option will give you some security in case of roadblocks.

Also, I agree with you that having a non-participating female friend / advisor would help you and is reasonable. I also agree with RedPepper in being concerned that such a friend could evolve into something that complicates the situation. Having that friend is ok, but keep it to just friends.

Thanks to all for the updates. This weekend was great. We enjoyed each other so much and truly connected again. For the moment, she has everything in perspective and she is working on her happiness. We did not spend the weekend obsessing about T. I think she realizes that when I am home it's about her and me. And we really appreciated the time together. She will be seeing T this week, but she is no longer obsessing about him. No more texting all day long. No more avoiding me. She is keeping him in perspective too. L be wants is to have fun and at this point thTs what she wants too.

I hope we can keep this going. I she keeps everything in the right perspective, things are good.

Regarding my female friend, I am not pushing that right now. If things get crazy again I think I will. For the moment I think that would just add complexity to a situation that seems to be stabilizing at the moment.