Friday, April 14, 2017

scan day

as i write this, we are driving over to seattle cancer care
alliance to do scans.

we will get the results on monday. waiting on results over a
holiday weekend, at least i will have some distractions and time with friends
and family.

all scans are rough. this one seems more difficult than usual.
i woke up, immediately starting crying and felt like i was going right into a
panic attack so we got meds in right away so that they could start kicking in.

i am especially anxious since we did not get the 4th
dose in, i really wanted that 4th dose. you know me and goals. i
meet them. so I have to let go of that and hope that the three doses shrunk the
tumors.

i am not going to sugar coat this for you guys, i never have.

i am scared shitless about these results on monday. i always
am, but there is something about these ones – maybe because I got so sick and i
didn’t get the 4th dose in and i am petrified that this treatment
didn’t work. pending results on monday, we may do an infusion of the one drug
again at a lower dose and we will do that indefinitely for every two weeks. i can’t
really think about that right now at all because the anxiety won’t let me go
there and I can’t or i will want to crawl up in a ball again. i need to get
myself together for this and make it through the day. one day at a time, that
is what we are focusing on.

this entire week have been focusing on just what i need to do
to make it through the day. that is all. the meds affect my memory so much that
barrett has to sort out my meds each morning and put them in a pill container
with the time that I am supposed to take them because I can’t remember on my
own.

i can’t drive because the meds make me feel a bit like i am
under the influence (don’t even get me started on how bad I want a cold cider).
so that is hard on me because i feel like my independence has been taken away
from me. i can only go somewhere when someone way can take me, that is hard for
me.

it has been a long week trying to get my legs under me with
this new complication of work and life and anxiety, but i am trying. i am
trying really hard, and it is really hard for me to not be 100% on my game. so i
am trying to deal with that too. it is overall just a lot.

i thank you for all of the love, and prayers and vibes. i find
myself in myself in unchartered territory over the last couple of months, and
especially now with the anxiety and panic attacks.

but it is all part of the fight right, right? and we can never
know what to expect.

i hope that you all have a great weekend, whether you
celebrate with easter festivities (important tip: jolly rancher jelly beans are
the best jelly beans trust. was I wrong about the cadbury mini eggs? i think
not.) or you don’t. however you choose to enjoy your weekend i hope that it is
a good one. ours is going to include eggs hunts with family and friends and
family traditions i have known since i was a kid. there will be comfort in that
for me.

enjoy your time. make the most of it. if you have a cold one
(like a cider), have one for me and cheers to good results on monday.

thank for all the ways you show have shown love to us and the
ways thatiI am reminded daily that I have a village fighting with me.