Post by angeleyes65 on May 12, 2019 9:59:18 GMT -5

@casseopeia92 I also had my marriage destroyed by pirn addiction the resulting ED. I lived many years in a sexless marriage finally started outsourcing and after many years of outsourcing I left my 34 year marriage. I'm 54 now 52 when I left. I will say looking back its more about the lack of caring for our soul than the sex. Had it been just ED and he was still loving and attentive and affectionate. And desired me it wouldn't have been a deal breaker. But the fact that he basically abandoned me to porn refused treatment and met none of my human needs in or out of bed made me an employee. A depressed one. Outsourcing really helped she while doing that I worked my exit plan. Paid off bills got him more self reliant saved money. Life is so much better. Even if you intend to stay get your life in order in case you change your mind or get caught. Best of luck to you!

Post by heathcliff on May 27, 2019 5:58:48 GMT -5

Hi. Male making first post here. In a mostly Sexless Marriage for 20 years, completely sexless for over 4. Things have reached a point where I recently told her that am fine with her not having sex and I do not want sex with her if she does not want it. I am not sure what happens next. That's for another post.

Post by esmerelda on Jun 3, 2019 2:32:40 GMT -5

I'm new. I have been mostly happily married for the last 17 years (we've been together 21 years), but with a waning, now almost non existent sex life. My husband and I are best friends, we laugh together, love spending time together, hold hands, cuddle, kiss, etc, but he has erectile dysfunction. He also doesn't like either giving or receiving oral sex. What has been maddening, though is that he has refused to do anything about it. He tried viagra and decided he didn't like it. I have now begged him to see a sex therapist, and he finally made an appointment. His side of things: he has extreme performance anxiety and overall hang ups about sex, and hasn't gotten help because of his shame over everything. My side of things: maybe he's just not attracted to me, and wants to save face by not outright "reject" me. For the first half of our relationship, sex wasn't a problem, we had it semi regularly, I did notice that he would sometimes get uptight during sex and pull back. However, a few things happened in our marriage and I became angry at him, he then would blame my anger for the lack of sex. We began this vicious cycle that he would be extremely passive about initiating sex, or passive during sex, and also withholding sex. For a while I would try to understand and not be angry, but over time my anger and resentment would build and build and I would just explode. Over the past ten years, I have asked him to just please tell me the truth, that he may love me, but doesn't desire me, and he just repeats that he loves me very much and cares about me. I love him so much, but feel like I'm acting like a fool, and just accept that nothing will change - that either sex isn't important to him, or he doesn't desire sex with me, or he doesn't want to change. He finally agreed to read some books and see a sex therapist, so I have some hope, but also feel like I'm being stupid for having hope. What's difficult is that I'm financially dependent on him right now. I'm an artist, and work freelance, and I also get health insurance through him. For me to leave, I would have to put aside this career and get a real job. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave my best friend, I am finally finding real joy and success as an artist, I feel loved, but not desired. and I am so very sad and frustrated. Any feedback is welcome

Post by baza on Jun 3, 2019 4:57:42 GMT -5

It sort of reads like if you could leave, you would leave .... and the pivotal thing that it swings on, is 'money'.

Have you seen a lawyer yet, to establish how a divorce would shake out for you ?Possibly, you might find that you could come out of such a scenario in not bad financial shape. Or, you might find the exact opposite. But you would at least "know".

And of course, "knowing" commits you to precisely nothing. You aren't obliged to do anything as a result of "knowing". All you'd be doing is checking out the perfectly valid "leaving" option.

Meantime your spouse may or may not continue his treatment regime for his assorted issues, and he'll either be successful in this work, or he won't be. That's a matter out of your control.

Perhaps running the clock on this is the way to go for you Sister esmerelda .If he's made some significant progress in say 90 days then there might be a case to make that things are on the improve.In which case you might extend a further period of grace to him.

Potentially though, it appears hard and difficult choices are ahead of you.So it's important to establish how a divorce would shake out for you so you can make a fully informed choice.

Good luck.These are very challenging situations we are (or have been) in.

Post by esmerelda on Jun 3, 2019 7:10:05 GMT -5

Thanks, baza.

I think checking in with a lawyer would be a good idea. The money situation does make it very hard, and because my husband is very kind and loving, and I know we genuinely like each other. But I did bring a reasonable amount of money into the marriage before focusing full time on my art.

I also love being an artist and feel vocationally like I am experiencing real joy, so it's a real catch 22. Do what you love vocationally in a platonic relationship with your best friend, but no sexual intimacy VS. Financially struggle and stop living a lie. I realize I could still make art and be on my own.

However, I finally got him to admit that he feels no sexual desire for me. I told him this makes being in the marriage very painful because the more platonic closeness and love we have, the more I desire him. I feel like "how can you love me and know this is torturing me". There's a kind of passive aggressive sadism here I think. I also think he wants to be the good guy, and like maybe he wants me to be the one to leave.

The 90 day grace period is an idea, however I have very little faith in even his desire to fix things.

Post by worksforme2 on Jun 3, 2019 19:12:48 GMT -5

Welcome Esmerelda.....Your relationship reads like it still has a lot of positive dimensions along with the bad aspect of sexless companionship. Your H still exhibits a # of signs that say he does care and does love you. A couple pieces of rational come to mind regarding your H's ED. Performance anxiety can easily be a self fulfilling fear. The more anxious he is about not being able to get and maintain an erection the more like that is to be the case. Other hang ups just add to the expectation of sure failure. If this is the case then he probably has conditioned himself to avoid desire for you in order to avoid another bad sexual experience. He may also had some hormonal issues with his testosterone. This could be due to a natural decline over the years or there are other reasons it could be low. Incomplete liver function can bring about low T levels. You should encourage him to have his hormones and liver checked. Low T means low desire. This along with the ED situation means no sex. But some of the problems may not be all his fault. Still if he loves you, he should be willing to get the tests done.

Post by firefollower on Jun 3, 2019 22:49:44 GMT -5

I think checking in with a lawyer would be a good idea. The money situation does make it very hard, and because my husband is very kind and loving, and I know we genuinely like each other. But I did bring a reasonable amount of money into the marriage before focusing full time on my art.

I also love being an artist and feel vocationally like I am experiencing real joy, so it's a real catch 22. Do what you love vocationally in a platonic relationship with your best friend, but no sexual intimacy VS. Financially struggle and stop living a lie. I realize I could still make art and be on my own.

However, I finally got him to admit that he feels no sexual desire for me. I told him this makes being in the marriage very painful because the more platonic closeness and love we have, the more I desire him. I feel like "how can you love me and know this is torturing me". There's a kind of passive aggressive sadism here I think. I also think he wants to be the good guy, and like maybe he wants me to be the one to leave.

The 90 day grace period is an idea, however I have very little faith in even his desire to fix things.

Yes, I agree with previous posts...I can't imagine a situation where you would be left destitute. You may have to get a job but maybe something related to your art passion. I know for me that I asked my wife to go back to work so she could show an ability to earn a living...part of my long term exit strategy.

Post by esmerelda on Jun 4, 2019 9:55:08 GMT -5

These responses are really helpful. I do think my spouse really loves me. We talked seriously about me leaving, and he told me, "You are rich, you don't need to worry about it." Essentially, we do have a lot of money, through some inheritance, and he pretty much assured me that if i left I would be financially set, that I could still pursue my dreams. He is an exceedingly kind person and so I have no reason to doubt him. I do see in him an acknowledgement that I may really leave and he said he didn't want to lose me. I think he probably has low T, he's also on anti depressants, and he's almost 50. He drinks his fair share of beer so that's also probably a factor. But I do see in him a real desire to change, really for the first time. Reading books, actually making an appointment, these are things that have never happened before. He also is accepting responsibility for the first time. But I am afraid of having hope and afraid of not having hope. Part of me wants to pull away, to sleep in another room, to withhold affection. The other part of me, the compassionate side knows he is trying for the first time, and that he feels like a failure. He said at one point that he has never felt confident about himself as a sexual person.

Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 4, 2019 11:56:39 GMT -5

Glad you found this place. Sorry that you had to look for it. Your relationship does seem to have a lot going for it. There is definitely value in that.

You have received some great advice. I wont pile on too much.

With regards to reigning back the affection. I do believe it is worth exploring. I have done it twice with different results. Not surenitnwill be relevant to you but FWIW.

First time: I left the br with lots of resentment. This competely backfired in hindsight. It practically killed the relationship

Second time: More recently, I started to check out, but with less resentment. No choice really. It was a self preservation move. I withdrew affection completely and moved to cohabiting mode. BUT I was still available emotionally. This has been an interesting experience with SO making an effort to reconnect with some light intimacy (handholding, arm in arm, walks together, mini dates). She is slowly reacting like its a wakeup call. Not sure if it will last but its a departure from where we were.

Post by kristi on Jun 10, 2019 14:21:20 GMT -5

We were trying to keep some kind of intimacy going but it's been months since we had actual intercourse and it's been getting more and more difficult to even get sexual pleasure time together at all.

We're dealing with an age difference. He is 62 and I'm 46, so there is the natural decline in sex drive guys go through and I'm not a young woman anymore and I'm obese so I'm not really attractive anymore. On top of that he's on heart medication that has loss of libido as a side effect so he has no drive and he has a bad back so it's also physically uncomfortable for him to have sex.

A week ago I had a crying breakdown over the stress from the lack of sex. He made an effort to try but even though he got me finished I wasn't able to get him finished. It was like once he was done doing what he had to for me his dick just died in my hand. This week I couldn't even get him to try.

This isn't a new thing it's been steadily growing worse for years. We had a short resurgence right after his heart attack because he was feeling much better after getting the stent put in but it only lasted a few months before the medications started taking it all away. I do think this is the end of that road now. He just can't do it anymore. I can't ask him to try anymore. It's come to a point it would just be cruel to both of us to persist.

Post by firefollower on Jun 10, 2019 14:51:13 GMT -5

Welcome Kristi...I am still relatively new here but from your post you seem to have multiple issues. As for age and declining sex drive...sometimes, but I can tell you at 54 I am still raring to go. As for your looks, that is subjective and it really sounds like your low self-esteem talking (this can be the result of an SM). You have a lot of issues here but each one in solvable. The physical issues your H has can be managed...different medications, physical therapy for his back...etc. You can certainly try to ask him to get better...if he doesn't, that gives you information on how important it is to him.

Post by hopingforachange on Jun 10, 2019 15:19:15 GMT -5

We were trying to keep some kind of intimacy going but it's been months since we had actual intercourse and it's been getting more and more difficult to even get sexual pleasure time together at all.

We're dealing with an age difference. He is 62 and I'm 46, so there is the natural decline in sex drive guys go through and I'm not a young woman anymore and I'm obese so I'm not really attractive anymore. On top of that he's on heart medication that has loss of libido as a side effect so he has no drive and he has a bad back so it's also physically uncomfortable for him to have sex.

A week ago I had a crying breakdown over the stress from the lack of sex. He made an effort to try but even though he got me finished I wasn't able to get him finished. It was like once he was done doing what he had to for me his dick just died in my hand. This week I couldn't even get him to try.

This isn't a new thing it's been steadily growing worse for years. We had a short resurgence right after his heart attack because he was feeling much better after getting the stent put in but it only lasted a few months before the medications started taking it all away. I do think this is the end of that road now. He just can't do it anymore. I can't ask him to try anymore. It's come to a point it would just be cruel to both of us to persist.

I'm still in love with him. I'm just at the grieving stage right now.

Welcome, there's still ways to find physical intimacy even when the body can't. Will he use toys? While being penetrated by his penis provides the best feeling of intimacy, laying on your sides with him penetrating you with a dildo or vibrator is far better then nothing.

Has he talked to his doctor about his libido and ED issues? It's not weak or make you less of a man to use medication. He takes meds for his heart, he can take meds for his dick.

To me, it's less manly to not care for your partners needs. If my dick ever stops working, I have fingers, and a mouth to please my partner. Hell, I'd even rock a strap on to give the normal thrusting feeling.

frednsa: i saw something on the wedding night (in the 60's) should have ended it during the honeymoon. i was played so perfectly. she is so wonderful in almost every other way, so...still wondering...thinking frigidity is a real thing and untreatableAug 29, 2019 12:07:04 GMT -5