Putting one foot in front of the other isn't always easy

Here we go again

In September 2009, I went off birth control pills because my hubby and I wanted a baby.

132 days went by without a period. My doctor started me on a drug to induce ovulation (Clomid) to see if that helped. After 3 “cycles”, it never worked.

The 3 months I was on Clomid was one of the worst times of my life. Not only was my body failing me. (This was incredibly hard to swallow since my passion and career is health.) But drugs that were invented for the sole purpose of making women ovulate weren’t working on me. Couple this with the fact that it was the most awful time of the year and it’s no surprise I was miserable.

There was only one cure for my state of mind: to run. And run I did. I trained hard and left my feelings out on the pavement. If my body wasn’t going to work to give me a baby, I was going to punish it with mile repeats, tempo, and long runs.

The punishment paid off. In 2010, I PR’d in every distance I ran. I even took up traithloning and yoga.

The distraction of training (and making so many new friends in Charlotte) was enough to put baby-making on the backburner. I kept signing up for races and told my husband we’d revisit my fertility issues sometime in 2011.

Then in September, during the height of marathon training no less, my period showed up. Ironically, it’s arrived every 33 days since then like clockwork.

After celebrating my return to womanhood, my husband I were left with a very real debate: Do we try to get pregnant?Or do we try to prevent pregnancy for a few more months?

Everyone said to “just see what happens”. Haha. Anyone who’s ever been through infertility knows it’s really impossible to “just see what happens”. You know your signs of fertility and you’re either trying to get knocked up or you’re not. There is not a gray area in infertility.

But I needed a gray area. I didn’t really know if I wanted to get pregnant then. I had big race plans for 2011. In my perfect world, I’d get knocked up sometime in May or June 2011 so I could complete a spring marathon, a relay, and a half Ironman.

My husband thought I was being a fool (what else is new? 😉 ). Shouldn’t I have learned in the past year that I do not have the luxury to control my fertility?

I pretended not to hear him. I was not ready to give up my big race dreams because I might get pregnant.

So I did what everyone told me: I’d “just see what happens” and resume medical help for infertility after my races in May. Apparently in my mind “seeing what happens” included attacking my husband when I thought I was ovulating…

I didn’t think I was pregnant the first month, so it was no surprise when my period came. It still hurt.

The second month, I thought there was a slim chance I was knocked up. That didn’t stop me from balling for days once my period came.

The third month, I knew I was pregnant. We had more than covered our bases, I had symptoms, and a feeling. But I was wrong. I’m completely heart-broken.

My emotions the past few months have shown me that there’s only one thing I want right now and that’s not PRs or race accomplishments. I want to be a mommy. And no crazy training regimen is going to distract me from that this time around.

It’s odd how quickly I went from run, run, run to baby, baby, baby. But training and racing was only meant to serve as a temporary distraction.

My lack of patience and emotions drove me to my infertility doctor today. I couldn’t wait until May. And I’m glad I didn’t. My doctor is pretty sure that I’ve been having anovulatory cycles, meaning I don’t ovulate. So it’s impossible for me to get pregnant without medical help no matter how hard we try. (I’m still waiting on test results to confirm this.)

My doctor suggested Clomid again to spark ovulation. This time I’d be closely monitored during my cycle to see if it’s working. (Last year, my regular Ob/Gyn prescribed Clomid without monitoring me. I’m now working with a fertility specialist.)

I still have those spring race plans. I’m supposed to run the full National Marathon on March 26 with a group of friends (I’ll still go to the event to hang out no matter what 🙂 ). My doctor reassured me that my training has nothing to do with my fertility problems. I’m not completely convinced though. I do know that cutting back on my running won’t hurt my fertility. So that may be what I do. And that’s, shockingly, more than ok with me.

After all, being a spectator is almost as much fun as participating in a race yourself.

Have you ever had to give up or cut back on running, or something else you enjoyed? Was it hard?

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51 Responses

I would love to run the National Marathon with you, but if I couldn’t because there’s a bun in the oven, I’d be more than happy with that. You two deserve happiness and a baby and I wish you all the best with the test results.

Yes, I had tried cutting back, and even stopping running altogether for a while to see if it would bring back my periods. It didn’t, and so I just continued running after a while!
I really hope this works for you! Evan’s right- you guys deserve a baby, and you would make amazing parents 🙂

Oh wow, I wish you all the best. If it so happens that you become pregnant and cannot run the National Marathon, believe me, you won’t regret it one bit. Spectating is a lot of fun, plus there will be so much time for you to run and PR in the future.
Best of luck!

After trying to get pregnant for two years (pretty much), my husband and I adopted the wait and see approach. I continued to sign up for races. We planned vacations. And just before I ran the Austin marathon last February I took a pregnancy test (I had no symptoms except an increased heart rate and heartburn) and found out I was pregnant. So, I think your doctor is right. I ran that marathon and went on a two week vacation in Utah and Wyoming, where I skied all day, every day. I am the mother of a three month old little boy. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Keep training! Keep living. Just thought I would share my experience. I love your blog!!

good luck girl, I REALLY hope it works out for you this time. This is such a big fear, trying to prevent pregnancies for years just assuming it will happen when you want it to, but that’s not always the case. I will be thinking of you and keep us updated!

Maybe having the race there will make it happen since you have something else you are supposed to do 😉

Good luck! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you all year if that’s what it takes 🙂 I’m not actively trying to get pregnant, and I know this isn’t the same, but when I moved back to Southern California, and then broke my foot, I had to give up on dance (which was my life for 14 years,) and have only recently been able to slowly get back into it. It’s REALLY hard to let go of something that was not only really enjoyable, but that I felt defined me as a person.

I think cutting back on training if you think it will help in your fertility is totally worth it though. Once you have the baby think of all those miles you can run while pushing a stroller! 😉

Your honesty and openness about such a private issue is refreshing. I love that you love running so much but that being a mother is a priority to you. You will undoubtedly be a wonderful mother and possibly even more so because when you DO get pregnant you will not take it for granted. Keep smiling, keep positive, keep running, keep TRYING and stay open to all possibilities!

I am writing my comment again, because I don’t see it. I wanted to let you know that I think your doctor is right! I tried for two years to get pregnant, and did (probably) many of the same things that you did. I took the “wait and see approach” and waited and waited and waited. I think I didn’t want to know if anything was wrong, and accepted (along with my husband) that it was one of those things that was either meant to be or not. I registered for races. We planned adventurous vacations. I just lived life.

I found out I was pregnant TWO DAYS before I ran the Austin marathon last February. I took a pregnancy test because I had an increased heart rate (drastic) and some heartburn. The pregnancy test was a last ditch effort to understand why I felt so lousy. And, taa daaa, it was positive. I still ran the marathon, and then left on a two week ski vacation in Utah and Wyoming, where I skied every day.

I am now the mother of a three month old baby. Today was his first day of day care, and my first day back at work. He is the best thing that I have ever done. I am so lucky.

The point of this comment is that you can do all the things you want to when you are pregnant or trying to get pregnant. Sure, be careful and listen to your body, and to your doctor. And sure, everyone is different and every body reacts differently. But if you are in good shape and are healthy, you can continue to race your races and go for your long runs, short runs, tempo runs, and all that jazz.

I wish you the best. Thanks for sharing your story and thanks for writing your blog. I read it every day!

I’ve never commented but I have gone through infertility struggles and I know how frustrating they can be! I admire your honesty. Your commentors above are right – keep doing what you’re doing, just listen to your body. I felt like things moved much faster once I started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. Through it all, one thing that comforted me was a friend reminding me that what I REALLY wanted was to be a mommy (as you said), and I didn’t have to get pregnant to be a mommy. In the end, after 18 months of trying on our own, 6 months of Clomid and other things with my regular gyno, and 3 months with the RE, I am the happy mom of a 6 year old (conceived with help) and a 4 year old “surprise-you’re-not-infertile-after-all” baby! Best wishes to you and your husband.

What an incredibly (refreshingly) honest post. I’ve been following your blog for a while now and have grown familiar with your infertility struggles. You’ve taught me a lot about prioritizing what I want in life — THANK YOU. I wish you and your husband all the best moving forward (including a little runner baby).

I love your honesty….and I just read this post after writing something related on my blog. Its so great you had a moment of admitting to yourself what you truly wanted.. I wish I could figure out what’s most important to me!
I suppose if husband and I began TTC I would probably know pretty quick!

Thanks for being honest, and good luck! It’s so hard to take the “wait and see” approach when time is a-ticking and nothing happens fast when it comes to infertility issues, especially when you have a “planner” personality (which I do!).

Your blog is one of my new favorite blogs. I love your writing style and can really relate to you. My boyfriend and I may have to go through IVF or some other form of infertility treatments because he is having a bone marrow/kidney transplant (hopefully this year) – so it’s sparked conversations for the future. I definitely look forward to hearing more about your “running trials” as well as your other trials with TTC 🙂

I am right there with you! I haven’t gotten into it on my blog but I stopped taking the pill in August….. haven’t had a period since without the help of provera. Took it in October, she thought it might jump start things. Got a period but nothing in November. I went back. She gave me provera with clomid to follow shortly after that once I got my period. Got a period and then followed up with blood work last week.

She called me the same day to make sure the blood work was on day 21, which it was. I got a bit freaked out when she said my hormone levels were really low…. so low they look like those of a pre-menopause woman?! I am only 32! (she said not to worry about that, it most likely is something else) So my saga is continuing with more blood work if I get my period this month, if not, then back to see the doctor.

I have been on birth control for about half my life. So I’m freaked out if it was just masking an issue all this time. I am with you though… I have races planned but we will see how things work out. If I have to run Boston a month or two pregnant at an easy pace so be it… if I have to skip it… so be it.

😦 SO sorry. I hate that you have been so upset over this. Hopefully being monitored will do the trick for you! Crossing my fingers for TWINS! hopefully soon I will be buying disney baby clothes for you 🙂

From the outlook expressed in this post, 2011 will be a fabulous year for you. Keep strong w/ your husband!

It sounds like you’ve gone through quite a bit regarding your fertility issues. Not sure if you’d gone the ‘natural’ way with chiropractic care? As the central nervous system controls everything, if you have any nerves pinched by a subluxation in your spine, it could impede the proper signal from your brain to your reproductive system.

I’m sure this a such a difficult topic for you to address, so I truly appreciate the raw, honest post. More than anything in this world, I want to be a mom. I’m not ready for it yet, but I always have a nagging worry that after trying to prevent babies for years, it won’t be so easy to have one.

I know that someday you will come visit New England and run alongside the ontherun girls with a super cute jogging stroller. And I’d be more than happy to have you cheering on the sidelines in DC! All the best to you and your husband.

I third that… I hope we both can run together with our cute jogging strollers! Thanks again for being so open and honest with what you are going through… I wish I was there to give you a hug! I really hope 2011 is your year for a special surprise…xo Jen!

Jen – I seriously had tears in my eyes when I read this. You are so brave to post this and to share your feelings with us. I am thinking of you and pulling for you. I also tend to push tough things to the back of my mind and focus on things I know I will succeed at. You will get to the bottom of this and hopefully feel relieved that you have answers.

Jen, I wish you the best of luck in becoming a Mommy. I know what it feels like to want that more than ANYTHING in the world and I, too, use running as a form of therapy and escape from the pain. Every day I am surrounded by friends and co-workers who are either pregnant or have children and my heart constantly hurts. I really hope 2011 is the year your dreams come true…

Jen, I have subscribed to your blog, but never posted. I wanted to speak up today though, to let you know that you’re not alone. My story is remarkably similar to yours–quit my birth control, didn’t get a period for around 120 days, nothing happened on Clomid administered by my regular OB, and now I’m working with a reproductive endocrinologist. Anyways, I think you’re very brave for posting about this and I love your honesty. I wish you the best of luck in 2011 trying to conceive!!

Just saw this today since I’ve been gone all weekend. I had no idea you were so upset about all this! You should have called me and I would have come over with more non-dairy PB cookies! I was just talking to my friend Alison that lives in DC today and I think I’m going to go up to spectate for the National Marathon in March too, so if you want some spectators to hang with, we’ll be there 🙂 Call me ANYTIME if you want to talk, vent, run, walk…whatever.

Oh Jen, I’m sorry you’ve been going through all this. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to “wait and see” without getting my hopes up either. So I’m glad you’re feeling a little better about things right now. I hope working with your specialist will be the kick start you need…and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you won’t get sick from the meds this time around.

As much as I’d love to run National with you in March, I know there are many things in life that are WAY more important than marathoning. I will be sending all sorts of baby-vibes you and your husband’s way! Hang in there!! And as far as training goes, I think it’s great to just run however much you feel. I think we all go through cycles with our training anyway. The fact that you’re okay with cutting back at the moment definitely seems like a sign that maybe 2011 is meant for other things! 🙂

I got choked up reading your blog. As a single girl I don’t understand the struggles of fighting infertility…but it really struck me. You deserve the best things in life. You showed vulnerability and selflessness in your blog and I think that is a beautiful thing.

Thanks for putting your raw emotions out there, Jen – this is really well written and sincere. It’s strange how sometimes we can think that a certain outcome won’t upset us, but then when it comes, our emotions take over in a shocking and powerful way.
I truly hope that you are able to find some solutions this year. Keep a positive attitude as much as you can. I’m sure you will be a wonderful mommy 🙂

If you ever want to talk, although we don’t know each other, I’m here! My husband and I started TTC in September 2009 as well! And like you, I went months without a period. But with the help of Provera, I started menstruating. Like you the presence of AF did not signify ovulation. After Clomid, finally reaching the maximum level, I only ovulated once in the 7 months I was solely on it. Finally in October 2010 I was put on Metformin which has made me ovulate and menstruate on my own. Three cycles later, three HCG triggers and three expensive IUIs later, we’re still not pregnant. And like you, this past cycle I swore up and down I just knew I was preggo. But alas AF came, a day late!, with a vengeance. No matter how many months or cycles go by, TTC never gets easier and neither does coping with infertility. I really hope you have an easier go at it then we have. This month we’re trying “Naturally” with Clomid and if it doesn’t work, which we doubt it will, it’s on to the scarier drugs.

[…] You don’t have to race to be a runner. Cutting back right now is what I need to do to achieve my real goal. I’ll race fast again one day, and my reward won’t be making it to the finish line; it will be […]