Are We Too Hard on Our Parents?

When I told my family I was gay my mom cried, my grandmother cried, my dad cried, everyone cried (except me, lol). I didn't expect them to throw me a party or anything and I knew that it would be hard for them. I never feared that they would stop loving me or disown me, but I knew that it would take them a little time to get used to the idea, and after a few months they were fine. Now my mom is pushing me to find Mr. Right and settle down, because she still wants grandchildren. But it made me wonder if we are sometimes too hard on our parents or if we expect too much from out parents when we first come out? I mean, we have to look at if from their perspective. Due to the laws in most states in the U.S., being gay means that we won't be able to get married, which is something many parents look forward to. Having children becomes more complicated. And more importantly, no parent wants to see their child struggle, and they know that being openly gay will most likely add some hurdles or obstacles to our lives. Maybe we should cut our parents and family some slack when we first come out, let them digest the news and give them some time to come around. They usually do. And if they don't then you move on with your life and they move on with theirs.

wildtype87 saidI don't think it is unreasonable to expect or ask for the kind of unconditional love that only parents can provide (dare I say, have a duty to provide ), even in times of crises.

Of course a parent should show unconditional love, as mine did. I was speaking of our expectations when it comes to our parents reaction. It took some of us years or even decades to come to terms with our sexuality. Some never do. So is it then fair to expect our parents to be totally comfortable right away with the idea of having the boyfriend over for Thanksgiving? I don't think so. If we struggle with our sexuality what makes us think that it's not something that our families would struggle with as well? Most parents eventually come around. They should the unconditional love that parents should. I just think that we should cut them a little slack at the beginning.

I think parents deserve a little time to come to grips with something that we had years to come to terms with. No parent wants to hear their child is gay, and when they do (if it comes unexpected) they can be swept into a whirlwind of emotion that include confusion, fear, guilt, sadness and a host of other emotions all at once. Patience is important to allow the parents time to process it all -- and it may take some time.

CuriousJockAZ saidI think parents deserve a little time to come to grips with something that we had years to come to terms with. No parent wants to hear their child is gay, and when they do (if it comes unexpected) they can be swept into a whirlwind of emotion that include confusion, fear, guilt, sadness and a host of other emotions all at once. Patience is important to allow the parents time to process it all -- and it may take some time.

I think the older that you get, the more you appreciate your parents and realize that they were probably doing the best that they can do. I do understand that there are horrible parents out there, but most of them want what is the best for their children!

Sure, most parents need some time to adjust. But there are SOME parents who are happy that their kids are finding their way. The best thing a parent can do for their kid is be supportive. We all are looking for that 'gleam' in our parents eye, a sign that we are loved by them and that they are proud of us.

Some parents are successful at providing us with that experience - at least sometimes.

Other parents... well they've been through shit, have poor emotional regulation systems, and really, should never have been parents. They were often traumatized, and unfortunately, end up re-traumatizing their kids.

I think its good to expect a lot from our parents, but we also need to temper that with an ability to look at the world from their perspective. I'd like my dad to be able to show his emotions in a different way than only becoming angry. But that's what he learned as a child - anger is the only safe way to show emotions ... as a male, etc. What can you do?

Someone I worked with once said, about his mother who was extremely abusive and negectful, "I guess she did the best she could, with the knowledge she had." Usually that's the case...

I have to disagree with most of you. I don't think they deserve a lick of consideration about the shock and appall of finding out their son is a filthy homosexual deviant.

I think it's extremely dislikable when I see parents treat the kid as a straight person in the making from birth. They give their kid no room to become what they will inevidably become. It's a horrible thing to inflict upon a kid, and will create much more pain than the difficult life of being gay.

What it comes down to is: They shouldn't have assumed in the first place, and deserve a gobsmacking when they find out they screwed up.

Growing up in a religious Jehovah's Witness family, I knew reactions would be bad. I didn't expect them to like it or to agree with it. I just expected them to respect me as I was and love me despite their beliefs. I would never want to take religion from them, because for them, it did wonders. But when I came out my paren't basically told me that if I didn't change my ways, I would go to hell and that I'll never be a real man, and to this day, six years later, nothing has changed. It has only been insults and attacks. And if I got married, I doubt they would come, and that's what hurts. All they've shown is disdain for me since. So I don't think I expect too much. I think I don't expect enough.