Tuesday, May 7, 2013

This is why I'm weird Part 2, (this is about to get real weird)

The Mysteries of Nature

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Can someone explain to me why I have gotten my period for 12 years and still think I am dying for 3.5 seconds everytime it's that time of the month.

It doesn't matter how many weeks I have been through the same disgusting cycle, I will inevitably have a moment when I either get horrifying cramps that make me sure my insides are in imminent danger of falling out of my body and becoming my outsides, or (boys stop reading here, seriously, stop it.) I have a 'blood clot' so large (I will use this term loosely because I really have no idea if that is the medical term for this shiz) that I am positive I had a demon baby, miscarried, or am shedding a forgotten conjoined twin. So awful, sorry for the visual, but does this happen to anyone else??? And I am not kidding when I say that I panic alone on the toilet for like a minute straight about whether I should call 911, text a picture of it to my nurse friend from college, or go bury it in the backyard in a small, but heartfelt ceremony. I literally have to convince myself some tragedy did not just take place, and then remind myself I am an adult and this is totally normal even if I am not.

SEQUENCE OF EVENTS:

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^ Me (if I was a cat)

"Yeah, that's definitely not normal..."

"...now go back to heaven, or hell, or wherever you came from..."

REPEAT SEQUENCE EVERY 3 WEEKS

My friend who is normal told me that Dr. Oz said this means I have a hormonal imbalance. Thank you Dr. Oz, obviously I have a hormonal imbalance. Do you know how many hormones we have flowing around in our bodies, plus do you know how insane I am? If I didn't have a hormonal imbalance then I would be really concerned. If Dr. Oz can tell me how not to let those imbalanced hormones sabotage my personal life and career for 1 week a month then I will give him the fucking Nobel Peace Prize. (Editors note: If my hormones actually only derailed my personal life/career 1 week out of the month I would give my period the Nobel Peace Prize, but not really because I don't actually have that authority, but maybe I could buy a ribbon or make it a crafty plaque).

Anways now that you have blocked this URL and cleared it from your user history, thanks for stopping by, it was good knowing you, anddd have a great life.