The Narcissist's Dilemma: They Can Dish It Out, But...

The ability to take criticism well depends mostly on how secure we feel about ourselves. Yet it could hardly be said that any of us actually enjoys being criticized. For it's a challenge to avoid feeling defensive when we experience ourselves as attacked. At such times, it's more "natural"--or rather, more aligned with our conditioning--to go into self-protective mode. And typically, the way we choose to protect ourselves is through denying the criticism, indignantly turning on the criticizer, or hastening to disengage from the uncomfortable situation entirely.

Such a well-nigh universal tendency is elevated almost to an art form with those afflicted with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). When criticized, narcissists show themselves woefully incapable of retaining any emotional poise, or receptivity. And it really doesn't much matter whether the nature of that criticism is constructive or destructive. They just don't seem to be able to take criticism, period. At the same time, these disturbed individuals demonstrate an abnormally developed capacity to criticize others (as in, "dish it out" to them).

Although narcissists don't (or won't) show it, all perceived criticism feels gravely threatening to them (the reason that their inflamed, over-the-top reactions to it can leave us so surprised and confused). Deep down, clinging desperately not simply to a positive but grandiose sense of self, they're compelled at all costs to block out any negative feedback about themselves. Their dilemma is that the rigidity of their defenses, their inability ever to let their guard down (even with those closest to them), guarantees that they'll never get what they most need, which they themselves are sadly--no, tragically--oblivious of.

To better grasp why narcissists are so ready to attack others and so unable to deal with being attacked themselves, it's useful to understand something about their childhood. People aren't born narcissistic--it's powerful environmental influences that cause them to become so.

As a caveat, however, I should add that no single theory adequately accounts for every instance of NPD. The explanation I'll be offering, though seminal among those proposed, is still just one of several. But even though it's a bit oversimplified, I think it elucidates the essential dynamic of the narcissistic defense system better than any of the theoretical alternatives.

Briefly, in growing up future narcissists had many reasons to doubt whether they were good enough. Neglected and ignored, or constantly disparaged and berated by their parents, they were held to unrealistically high standards of behavior. And their caretakers were quick to judge them whenever they failed to live up to such unreasonable, perfectionist expectations. As a result, they couldn't help but feel defective, not okay, and insecure, doubting their fundamental worth as humans. In most instances, neither did they feel cared about or wanted--as though they were factory seconds, to be tolerated but not respected or loved. Anxiously experiencing their bond to their parents as tenuous (for regardless of how hard they tried, they never seemed able to acquire their approval or validation), in their head they cultivated an imaginary "ideal self" that could get the parental acceptance--even adulation--they craved. If narcissistic adults project an air of importance, superiority, entitlement, and grandiosity, it's a pronounced reaction (or over-reaction) to the massive self-doubt that, frankly, they keep well-hidden beneath the self-satisfied facade they present to others.

The narcissist's marked lack of accurate empathy for the feelings, wants, and needs of others is all too well known. But what is less appreciated is that this deficiency represents an unfortunate consequence of their growing up so preoccupied with their own frustrated needs--and emotional distress generally--that they could never develop sufficient sensitivity to others. Intensely driven to succeed, or at least see themselves as successful, their focus inevitably became myopic, pathologically self-centered. Others simply weren't in their line of (tunnel) vision.

Without any clear recognition of what's motivating them, in their relationships as adults they continue to seek the encouragement, support, and acceptance denied them earlier. Yet, however unconsciously, at the same time they've cultivated the strongest defenses against ever having to feel so excruciatingly vulnerable again. And so when they're criticized, or think they're being criticized (and they're definitely hyper-alert to the possibility), they're compelled to react aggressively, in the frantic effort to avoid re-experiencing the terrible feelings of loneliness, abandonment, or rejection they suffered when they were younger.

It's especially suggestive that two common terms in the psychoanalytic literature used to describe NPD are "narcissistic injury" and "narcissistic rage." The "injury" results from their parents' deficiencies in being able to adequately nurture them, and so make them feel loved--a prerequisite for self-love. Which is why they need constantly to prove themselves by arrogantly claiming a superiority over others that, alone, can make themselves feel "good enough" to be loved . . . but which, ironically, serves in time only to alienate these others.

It's precisely this need to be viewed as perfect, superlative, or infallible that makes them so hypersensitive to criticism. And their typical reaction to criticism, disagreement, challenges-or sometimes even the mere suggestion that they consider doing something differently-can lead to the "narcissistic rage" that is another of their trademarks. To protect their delicate ego in the face of such intensely felt danger, they're decidedly at risk for going ballistic against their perceived adversary.

All of which indicates just how fragile their artificially bloated sense of self really is. Given the enormity of their defenses, they regard themselves not on a par with, but above others. Yet they're mortally threatened when anyone dares question their words or behavior. Ancient fears about not being acceptable are never that far from the surface, which is why narcissists must forever be on their guard with anyone who might disbelieve or doubt them. For any external expression of doubt can tap into their own self-doubts.

And this is why, though they can certainly "dish it out" (by way of affirming to themselves their superiority over others), they just can't "take it" themselves. Obviously, if the child part of them was unequivocally convinced about their basic acceptability--was, that is, adequately integrated into their adult part--they wouldn't need to boast about (or exaggerate) their accomplishments, or vehemently debate anyone who took exception to their viewpoint. But it's definitely the case with narcissists that they see their best defense as mandating a good offense.

To sum up the above (as well as extend it), when criticized, narcissists--acutely sensitive to negative evaluation--can begin to experience anxiety or degradation. A certain shame at their non-family-bonded core may rise perilously close to consciousness. So, by way of safeguarding themselves from such never-resolved feelings of worthlessness or defeat, they're likely to react to present-day threats with contempt or defiance, or with a verbal violence frequently referred to as "narcissistic rage."

Another way of putting this is that, exquisitely susceptible to criticism because it endangers their frail sense of internal validation, they take great pains to devalue or invalidate the person criticizing them. To achieve such dismissal of the threatening other, they'll do everything possible to negate their viewpoint. And this can include much more than blaming or indignantly challenging them. For narcissists, when their position has been exposed as false, arbitrary, or untenable, will suddenly become evasive, articulate half-truths, lie (actually, as much to themselves as others), flat-out contradict themselves (and to a degree that can leave the other person gaping!), and freely rewrite history (literally--and audaciously--making things up as they go along). This is why at such times they don't seem adults so much as six-year-olds. And in fact, when others inadvertently trigger mini emotional crises in them, there's little doubt that, both cognitively and emotionally, they can regress to a maturity level of that age (or less).

So what's the final cost of all the narcissist's efforts to ward off what constitutes for them the unbearable sting of criticism? As already suggested, it's immense. Though not consciously realized by them, their heart's deepest desire is to form an intimate bond with another that would successfully address the huge void their parents' denigration or neglect left in them. But because they're so strongly motivated to avoid re-experiencing this keenly felt hurt, their overpowering defenses prevent them from letting anyone get close enough to assist them in recovering from their pain. A pain that they conceal quite as much from themselves as others.

Blaming and excessively criticizing others to shore up an extraordinarily vulnerable ego--and reacting antagonistically in the face of anything regarded as critical of themselves--they keep others at a distance that renders any true intimacy impossible. The way they "set things up" in relationships, particularly intimate relationships, makes their self-created dilemma unsolvable. And if they're married, they can be expected to be especially hard on their spouse.

Recall that they need somehow to see themselves as perfect, for they can't perceive anything less than that as good enough for the critical parent they've internalized (who's now "immortalized" inside their own head). Consequently, they're made extremely uncomfortable whenever their mate--implicitly viewed as an extension, or reflection, of their idealized self--reveals an imperfection or makes a mistake. In that moment they experience an irresistible urge to dis-identify themselves from their partner, for their partner is now inextricably linked to parental disapproval and rejection. At such times, they can be extremely unkind--and yes, even brutal--in how they react to them.

At last, the prodigious defenses of those with NPD simply don't permit them to grow, to evolve, or to take full responsibility for their lives. They're so "bound" by these defenses (which are more varied than I've been able to do justice to here) that there's a stagnant, two-dimensional quality about them. They're not really free to reform, to change, to progress, to expand. Given their considerable drive, they're frequently able to attain more and more things. But as Huston Smith wisely declared: "You can never get enough of what you don't really want."

So they remain emotionally and spiritually unfulfilled, hungry for a nebulous something they can't even conceive. Lacking the ego strength that would allow them to be genuinely vulnerable to others--the prerequisite for the intimacy they secretly long for--their relationships demonstrate a level of detachment not entirely dissimilar from their original so-hurtful disconnection from their parents. But this time they're not just the victim but the "perpetrator," too.

In attempting to avoid any resurgence of the acute pain they once felt with their non-nurturant caretakers, they succeed only in muting--or burying--this pain. They're unwilling to take the chance that authentically opening themselves up to another could lead to a personal fulfillment beyond anything they ever experienced in growing up. So, in playing it safe, they present others with an impenetrable facade. And the price they pay for such habitual self-protectiveness is that their wounded inner child--well-hidden beneath their carefully cultivated, false exterior--can never be healed.

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Wow - that was such an eye-opening phrase for me! I have seen my mother and my sister completely lose control when criticized. And be prepared to call 911 if you make a joke at their expense -- you will surely need to be given CPR! I did not realize the true origins of the behavior but it makes me feel tremendously vindicated -- both of these women lie, are hypercritical and vilify anyone that threatens them.

In addition, you cannot get down to the 'nitty-gritty' with this type and have an understanding of any kind -- they will never apologize (bc they are always right) or admit that they've said anything hurtful. I know, I know -- I'm expected to be enlightened enough to 'forgive' and 'empathize' with their plight. Sorry - maybe in the next life. This type of personality is toxic and one must "run, Forrest, run!" when you diagnose what they are.

Thanks, Dr. S. for the eye-opening portrait. I'm sending it to long-suffering members of my family who've been damaged by the others.

I appreciate your candor--and, doubtless,it's not easy to forgive those with NPD who have repeatedly frustrated and hurt you. I do think your comment should be helpful to other readers, too, whose struggles probably mirror some of your own.

Dear sir, i googled this topic and your article came up about narcisitic rage and critiscism... i am in a situation with somebody exactly like this and would dearly appreciate some advice please... is it okay to email you, and if so, on what email. thank you

I was married to one for 20 years who was a psychologist himself. I didn't understand any of his rages and why he'd treat me so badly yet say that his greatest fear was that I'd leave him. Finally, I went to a psychologist, and he said I was in an abusive relationship and addicted to the abuse. It was verbal, mental, psychological, and emotional abuse. I asked him to send me to a psychiatrist because I needed someone who outranked my husband to tell me I wasn't insane...something he told me repeatedly. The psychiatrist got hold of me and told me I was married to a narcissist. He said, "In all my years of working in this field, I've had very little success with narcissists. If I were you, I'd go home, pack my bags, and leave and never turn back. He will never change. You have two choices. Either YOU can change and learn to like your situation, or YOU can change and leave and make your life what you want it to be." I took his advice, and 17 years later, I'm very happy and fulfilled! He, on the other hand, has had a life of living hell with a woman who had bankrupted him, embezzled from our children, and been sent to prison. But, everything she posts on Facebook would have you to believe they are the World's Most Happy Couple. My advice to you? RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd take it further. Not only is it not easy to forgive those with NPD who have. . .hurt you, it would be totally pointless to offer them forgiveness. I strongly feel that forgiveness can only ever be appropriate if the hurtful person genuinely realises they have caused hurt AND if they are prepared to make changes to their behaviour. A narcissist NEVER realizes s/he has caused harm, never apologizes (unless it's in front of others, so that s/he can LOOK good); neither does a narcissist do anything to change. . .My father was an N. If I had said "I forgive you, Dad" he wouldn't have even understood: after all, he thought he was perfect! It would also have meant "I'm okay with the fact you have hurt me all my life and that you are continuing to hurt me." . .This widespread expectation that abused people "rise above" their abuse by forgiving the abuser is very damaging. I can't help but feel it's to do with the discomfort other people, people who haven't been abused, feel in the face of abuse: if they can hear someone saying "I forgive X for abusing me", then they can get to feel warm and fuzzy about the whole thing. But it doesn't help the person who has been hurt one jot. . .In short, narcissists don't feel remorse: forgiveness is not a meaningful concept here.

For me, forgiveness is more of a conscious and willing transaction between two people, much as you have described:

In order for me to grant my forgiveness, the person who committed the offending act or offending words must first actually ask me for my forgiveness, which means the offender realizes that he/she has hurt me, understands why it was hurtful to me, is sorry that he hurt me, cares about my feelings, and wishes to make amends.

If those conditions are met, AND if the offender also promises to not do the offensive, hurtful thing to me again, then I am more than willing to grant my forgiveness.

That means that for my part, the offending act is now in the past, and forgotten. My end of the bargain is to not bring the past offense up over and over again like a club to beat up the (former) offender with.

But, and its a BIG BUT...

My version of forgiveness is not applicable to someone who is a repeat offender.

If someone offends you, apologizes, but then does the offensive thing over and over again, then in my opinion that person is using your "forgiveness" as a "get out of jail free card" so to speak. They are not actually sorry for having hurt you and will do that offensive thing or some other equally offensive thing to you again whenever they feel like it.

Their remorse, contrition and promises are false.

In such cases, then I simply detach from that person, remove myself, and walk away from the relationship. Its similar to a "divorce", I suppose. I stop feeling any positive, loving connection to such an individual. I do not wish for revenge, or retaliation, I simply want to get away from him or her, permanently.

Depending on the person and the egregiousness of the offense, I have a "three strikes and you're out" policy.

So I see a difference between "forgiveness" and "detachment". "Forgiveness", at least my definition of it, is just not really applicable to someone with narcissistic traits or full-blown NPD, because such individuals will not admit they did anything wrong, or bad, or hurtful. NPDs would rather die than admit they are not perfect, or, they'll pretend to be sorry just to get you to forgive them and trust them again, but then he or she will hurt you deliberately, again, just out of spite.

Neither is love. Narcissists don't understand the concept of love. They are neither able to give nor receive love. In fact, they are very good at killing a person's feelings for them. Just try to love a narcissist. I guarantee you it won't last.

I believe i may have a daughter with this disorder. But i disagree that the parents r degenerative and neglectful. I wasn't. Her father was also rather nacsissistic. So i think its hereditary. Its confidence gone overboard. They also don't believe there is anything wrong with them. So it snowballs. Its not the parents fault unless it's inherited.

I think my daughter has some NPD traits. I did not denigrate her. In fact, I was her champion. Told her how beautiful she was and smart, etc. It has been developing while she has been out of my guardianship and after graduation that these traits have been becoming more pronounced. She lies and rewrites history and blames me for her mistakes.

I'd suggest you pick up a copy and read Craig Malkin's Rethinking Narrcissism. If you do, I think you'll derive a deeper understanding of your daughter and ALSO ways that you can deal with her more effectively.

Being a woman complicates things. Although I did experience childhood abuse, I didn't become narcissistic until my 30s due to many bad experiences with men. Most men are out for sex and will say anything to get it. They are incapable of love and are definitely not loyal. So one day I realized that it was all such friggin BS and that romantic love is a patriarchal myth designed to oppress women. I realized that I needed to love myself as that was the only solution. I hate men and the few that i like know that i am to be worshipped. Its fun turning grown men into cowering pussies when they piss me off:)

I'm 32 and I'm fed up and really discouraged. I can feel this taking over. I've had a few boyfriends throw some childhood situations in my face and wondering if you could give me some advice. My email is funinthesuncanada at outlook dot com

Romantic love is not a myth. It does exist. I have experienced it myself. I am sorry, but it sounds like you haven't met the right person yet. It's good to love and appreciate yourself but if you become cold and bitter towards others you will never find true love and you sure won't be truly happy if you don't learn to put your guard down some. It's okay to be somewhat picky and selective but please remember that no one is perfect. No one.

Leon, I have to suspect that you have had the misfortune to come up against one of the people. I did - and your insights certainly mirror mine. My reputation, work and livelihood was destroyed by one such person who needed constant reassurance when I hired her for a job for which she was minimally qualified. After a few months, I was seriously concerned about her neediness and, once, after I noticed I had a missed call about work from her on a Saturday morning,she said she would have phoned at 6am but her boyfriend persuaded her it would look insane. We were e-learning developers and nothing ever justifies phoning your manager at 6am on a Saturday morning. When I became more firm about demanding time to do my own work, she embarked on a campaign of chinese whispers and it got to the point where the rest of my staff refused to accept me as the manager of the department I'd created because I was so mean to her. Truth be told, I've an avoidant personality and was just counting the days to the end of her contract, ignoring her as much as was possible. I was driven out of my job, developed an autoimmune suppression as a result of the distress and I'm now a Type 1 diabetic.

All my life, I worked only to develop my potential. Now, I no longer have potential and, once my mother dies and won't know, I'll just stop taking my insulin and follow her toute suite.

The greater danger is that these are the kind of people HR love to recruit. They don't see the psychosis, they just see the superficial persona of somebody who is confident and affable. I have a grave fear that, here in the UK, the education system is inadvertingly creating these people.

I don't know the details of why you feel you have no more potential, but maybe you need to change how you see yourself to be able to redirect or redefine your potential. I used to know that I will work in the software industry, probably go abroad (I am from India) and get rich. Instead my OCD, developed a year into my career, made it hard to hold on to a job. Now I freelance. I earn a lot less than I would have, but it's okay. I get to choose my projects and answer only to my clients. I can make my own hours. Redefine your life, don't just let it go.

Same happened with me. But freelancing is not the answer for me. I always get clients not wanting to pay, or wanting to pay my earned money for a next job, or for more work on the current one... there is always more, there is never full payment, they sometimes even try to lend me my own earned money. So I learned psychology to find out why: If sby was abused by a N before, he has a very high chance to find another and to get into another abuse. Great, so I've lost the ability to relate to normal ppl... if there are any at all.

The only thing I can think of now is online Forex/CFD or online poker. AppStore might be, but a good mac costs even more. That way no ppl, no N. But I've already lost all my money by now, and I'll soon lose my home too, so it's a bit late.

Mister, from what you say you work in a field that is needed online and worldwide. If you are losing it all at this rate after just one confrontation with a Narc woman you really should consider the fact that it is you that might need help in the first place. I was bullied at my university by a whole gang of Narcissists, yes they hated each other but they can organize against a "common enemy". Y ended up leaving and feeling like crap, I entered another university to finish my degree and thanks to that I met the person who was going to hire me for a job and even my husband. I owe all these cruel cool kids the whole of my life!!! What you are doing is coward and terribly unjust with your parents: get yourself together, treat your avoidant disorder or whatever and get out of your house to find your real place in life. No excuses! Good luck!!

Please understand that you do have some control over your life still. You can control how you view your life. If you think so negatively about your own life, it will become exactly that, a more negative kind of life. Try to focus on something you are grateful for everyday. Just say one thing you are truly grateful for, once a day or more. We could all complain about the awful shit we have all been through in life...and it's okay to vent sometimes, but a lot of us can easily forget to count our blessings as well. And we should be doing more of that I think. I wish you the best.

I was wondering how does a young adult child heal from this feeling of being defective, insecure and doubting their self worth because of the internalized messages from childhood from the actions of their caretakers. Where to begin? How does the young adult begin to get over the critical internalized parent and address the pain that was felt with the “non-nurturing caretakers” as you mentioned? My caretakers behaved and still behave in the way that you have described in this article. I have slowly begun to realize that their behavior is about their own inner struggles but the message I received growing up was the constant criticisms and lack of approval, support and validation. I would like to slowly address my own emotional pain so I can be more aware of the consequences of my actions on the people around me. It is not easy to break away from this lifetime of disapproval...even today as a young adult a look of displeasure from them can still leave me feeling like a shamed child.
Another observation that I have to add is that, with NPD, the cycle of neglect continues from generation to generation because the person with NPD is oblivious to the consequences of their actions. The NPD parent teaches the same message to their children that they probably received from their own parents. The most painful memory and example I can give is coming to my caretakers to express pain about a situation and wanting sympathy and instead getting criticism that I should be “more mature”, “know already how to handle the situation”, “know already what to do” and if the child does not know, then the child is given contempt and a look of disapproval. These expectations are crazy-making (to expect a child and teenager to already know what to do in every situation without any guidance given from the parent!)…but the only response I had to their behavior as a child and teenager was a feeling of profound pain and shame at not being able to live up to what I now realize are impossible standards. The feelings, however, of being inferior, shameful and not good enough still linger and I recently came to realize that these feelings of shame and not being good enough are coming from me and not from others. If you have any resources to recommend or advice I would appreciate it.

Might wish to read a good book on building your self-esteem and "disarming your inner critic," such as Self-Esteem by Fanning and McKay. Also, many of my posts deal with getting over dysfunctional parenting, so you might wish to scan through my various writings for PT.

Beyond that, if you possibly have the means, my strongest recommendation would be getting some counseling for yourself.

Hello,
I can't help but feel disappointed over your response to this young person. Surely, s/he is showing insight, and a willingness to change - which is profound in my eyes, and should be supported a bit more caringly than you demonstrated in your short, disinterested seeming response. However, I find your articles very educational, thank you.
Sabina, child and youth counsellor

I often come over articles on the narcissist that are rarely directed with empathy towards the narcissist. Being an avoidant narcissist is no walk in the park. Coming out requires taking one small step at a time and finding consciousness.
Focus on the reactions. Soften the blows in each threatening situation. If situation A occurs, what does this really say about you?

I can relate - especially as a child being expected to have all the answers and poked fun at for not. I find that its become a lifelong process to overcome. A book I found very enlightening is by Don Carter- Thaw: Freedom from Frozen Feelings. Mr. Carter also has a great website and offers monthly counseling.
http://oasis-connections.com/

I empathized with and identified with the last 2 comments to this post -- I posted the first comment. I am no degreed professional but I have fought addiction and depression for most of my 50 years due to a mother so afflicted with NPD that she still (in her 80's) has no empathy for her own grandchildren. It is all about her and will always be thus. So --- guess what? I had to heal myself (with the help of a gifted professional). You cannot take this on alone -- there's too much damage. The 'child within' must learn to give itself solace and that is no small feat. It takes practice - every single day. You have to recognize your own self-demoralization and bad programming and work to overcome it. There is no easy fix (as we all desire in this world of instant gratification, communication, recreation, etc.!) -- we must heal the child self who still cannot understand why he/she did not measure up. You did and you do measure up. And you always will - you just have to believe it.

The Narc is my husband. He played a very believable game of devotion and love for over 15 years with me. During this time, he smothered me at the beginning and ignored me in the middle and the end. He cheated, lied, and hid his affairs for years. He was very likely trying to kill me with arsenic but was so good that no one would have even guessed the cause of death or coma had my dr not done test that revealed arsenic in my blood. He recorded our arguments, his sessions with his therapist and would record his own voice to keep records of what I said or did to him. I found this out only after he had carelessly left me alone and devastated. He turned it all around claiming that I abused him emotionally. Everyone chose to believe him and turned their back on me when I needed a friend the most. A nightmare from which I'm still to wake up from. He could not be open and share with me in the relationship and never really spoke of himself. He would blame that on me too saying that I didn't care about his feelings. If he perceived I did something wrong he wouldn't say anything but later punish me or bring it up when I thought that incident was resolved. It wasn't ...it never is. They will make you pay for any perceived injustice. His mother was very needly too. She demanded attention and if she didn't get any she would pout. The whole family was unable to voice what they felt and were always in a "polite" kind of communication. I found it so unauthentic. His mom become a hoarder...and when my Narc was already with ow, his family let him know that since he had been with me he was no longer with the family and that he had changed. and they didn't feel comfortable around me.. His mother and brother couldn't have been happier for him leaving me devastated. Never mind that I had given up lot just to move to another state with him... nothing was ever enough loyalty or devotion or love for him. When he left he said that I didn't adore him.... meaning.. like the ow does. I felt rejected, discarded and humiliated. I'm an attractive and intelligent woman but I now doubt myself and my intelligence or good sense because I truly didn't see it. It's been 2 years and he won't even speak to me as if I don't exist. I'm in a state of PTSD and depression. This Narc ruined my life.. Our marriage was a lie, his claims of undying love for me were a lie .. everything he ever said or did were a facade. Once the mask was off, it was off all the way. The monster was revealed.

Most of what you have written exactly mirrors my marriage. We're going through a divorce and I am in counseling. He told me that several therapists had said he had narcissistic tendencies but i wasn't educated on the subject so i didnt pay enough attention. He words and actions did so much damage that it bordered on abuse. So many people tell me that I am going to be fine, their money is on me to come out of all this more whole than him. I truly believe this but the voices of self doubt that he left me with are strong. I could write pages of things that he did or said but my big question is, how do I heal and become whole again and maybe even come out better? On paper and in person no one would ever know that I was not successful, healthy and happy yet my brain churns with all kinds of issues from anger to betrayal to trust to loneliness to strength to hope to indignation to WTF? I want to find the best way to heal and continue to move forward from the damage that my narcissistic husband left behind.

AW...I think you have made a big step by getting away from the narc. I would say the most weight has lifted off of you by making the decision to get away from him. Won't it be nice to live a day without feeling bad about yourself or being bossed around or criticized all day? Positives will come. I'm trying to make the decision. Not easy with adult children and grandchildren I know. I live each day not knowing what to do next...stay with him...boot him out...what? I know it's a mental health issue...so hard to live with. Can be nice as pie to others then treats me like crap when no one is around. ..and sometimes when they are. I wish everyone they know could see them without their "sheep's clothing."

I have been married to a narc for 17 years and just recently "woke up" about 4 years ago when I discovered his cheating with multiple women, lying, hiding money, detaching and checking while I raised our children at home oblivious. I was no angel, I am not perfect and I do not claim at all to be. But I was hopelessly devoted, in love with the very ground he walked on. I worshipped him damn near until I started growing into my own person. I was 21 with a child when we got married. He also had one. We had 2 more together. I feel like I raised all 4 on my own and he took credit for "being there". When I started voicing my feelings and concerns he started going out more, partying more with his friends who were mostly single. When I caught and called him out on the infidelity I kicked him out of the house. I almost left him. The kids were devastated. I forgave him. I love him. I tried to move forward. Yet I am seeing some of the same tendencies and behaviors not necessarily that indicate cheating but those ideals of grandiose self love that makes the rest of us mere peasants feel unloved, under valued, inadequate and inferior. I am having such a hard time with the bitterness and resentment that boils up when the slightest comment according to him but major hurtful shaming and criticism according to me is said. Of course I'm accused of being dramatic and not understanding. He also calls me selfish when I try to communicate my feelings of being hurt by him. I'm contemplating divorce again because I see no way out. I see no real desire to change. He wants me to change and become the compliant, naive child that he molded me into who lived on his every word. I can't go back to that. I have changed, matured, grew for the better in my eyes but we bump heads and often because I am much more vocal about what I will not tolerate. My heart is broken at the fact that I see no real future for us anymore. My youngest 2 are 14 and 11. I can't destroy the only life they have ever known. I've made it this far and this long so I will hang in there for them. Until they are at least out of school. After that, I'm out. I don't want to find another. I just want to be on my own.

Please do not stay another minute in this abusive and dysfunctional marriage. I stayed with my ex for 18 hellish years. "For the sake of the children," I said. I was a stay at home mother, something we both agreed on. All was well for a couple of years, then the mask came off. He was emotionally, financially and verbally abusive. He was physically and verbally abusive to our autistic son. He could not stand the fact the a son of his was not perfect.

He was hell to live with. I didn't leave right away for financial reasons. I couldn't support myself and my children. He would constantly threaten to take them away from me and calling me an unfit mother. I am totally devoted to my children and put them first.

Leaving your children in that toxic environment is very damaging to their development. The toxic environment is hurting them and yourself. Get out now. You can't fix a narcissist and they will never change.

I was severely damaged by an NPD mother. Later luckily found a husband who'd provide a safe home for my 'child within' - the first time in my life! The price to pay was a divorce after so much struggle - I lived my 'teenage years' with him too. Now at 40, single with no children I feel I've gone through a mill. But I've developed an ability to get close to people, care about others - including me! - after so many years of teetering between 'grandioso' and shameful feelings that made my life hell. Spirituality has opened a channel for me to heal. I wish the strenght to carry on growing up to all who've had NPD's as parents!

I work as a psychologist and it has definitely been a struggle maintaining a relationship (and my health) with someone who has NPD. Early on, once I learned of my boyfriend's upbringing, which was described almost exactly here, I knew to expect some NPD characteristics. Early on, breaking through his 'fort' proved to be quite difficult. He portrayed himself as being self-sufficient, emotionally unavailable, yet not 'adverse' to a relationship. He's in his late 20's and all of his previous relationships were of barely a few months (one lasting 8 months) of which he claims to have been the one to end the relationship. Almost a year into the relationship (which was for the most part emotionally chaotic, we blamed it on our cultural differences but it really boiled down to him trying to keep a distance in the relationship) he said he loved me. This renewed my energy to continue the relationship. We have finally come to a point where he acknowledges that he is extremely defensive. He had always described himself as being independent, emotionally unavailable, a 'loner' where in reality, i've know and seen that wasn't really the case. My problem is that because I know where his explosive reactiveness, derrogatory comments, and lack of knowledge in how to show affection in a relationship (amongst other related characteristics)comes from, a part of me sees past it & is willing to still be with him & help him work through this whereas the other part of me feels like I'm limiting my self and giving up on my own happiness, mental health and emotional health. At this point in time, I really don't know what to do but feel like he's made progress for realizing he is short tempered and extremeley sensitive to what he perceives as criticism. I too would like to know how to address this.

I think you have every right to issue him an ultimatum: that you'll continue in the relationship only if he gets professional help. If he won't do this, you probably should move on. And if you can't, then you need to consider what unresolved issues you may possibly have yourself that lead you to accept much less from such a relationship than you actually need.

I really appreciate your advice. Excluding his reaction if I were to suggest it, I know he will tell me he doesn't have the time. He is extremely busy with work and wouldn't make time to go see the doctor even if he was severely ill. I know there is some issue of my own that plays into this but that aside, I still would feel guilty knowing I'm leaving him when he's never had the unconditional love that I was blessed with in my family. I'll suggest it nonetheless because I definitely do not want to become more of his psychotherapist than his girlfriend.

Hi, this is for the above commenter & her "guilt" regarding leaving her NPD boyfriend. First of all, if you feel "guilty" about leaving someone because of their dysfunctional behavior and refusal to seek help then you DID NOT experience or were BLESSED with "unconditional love" from your family. It sounds like someone is doing some "lying to themselves" as well. It sounds like you come from a family where you developed "co-dependent" or caretaking tendencies because these behaviors were expected from you.

Co-dependents often attract those with Narcissistic Personality Disorders. You say you are a psychologists--well psychologists and others in the "caretaking" professions often have co-dependent traits--I should know, I am a psychologist as well!! Google Co-dependence and Narcissm" to learn more and as Dr. Seltzer says, you should seek counseling yourself to ask yourself why you are in this one-sided and unequal relationship where you are doing all the understanding and caretaking--those co-dependent tendencies!!Good luck.

I have been with my NPD husband for 14 years, we're now divorced after I was going through hell 6 years ago with an extremely stressful job, some health issues and my teenager was abusing drugs, almost died and oh yes, my eldest son was also diagnosed with Lymphoma! Just as we were all recovering - my boys & me, my husband said he could not handle the stress and wanted a divorce! I said don't let the door hit you in the a** on your way out. This was after being together for 8 years and going thru my Father's tragic death and his Mom's death from cancer.
My hubby rarely gets enraged, he runs away - into Eastern philosophy and meditation. He rarely talked about his r-ship with his parents & brothers, but I knew he was estranged from his family and when his mom died it was the first time I saw any family photos. He was frowning & scowling in them as a little boy & young man.
I had read about Narcissism before - I'm a Social Worker, but most of the years we were together I was busy with my family still had my youngest living at home, 2 jobs, helping with my Grands, he worked also. Anyway I didn't see his lack of empathy clearly enough and his sweet, gentle, spiritual persona confused me - there was very little anger, but we split up about 4 times, with him doing the leaving over my tough issues raising 3 kids 7 an ex. To make a long story short, we thought we'd get back together after 5 years apart and now that we're retired, with each other 24/7 I found myself calling him 'arrogant', 'dismissive' of my feelings, critical - always interrupting me and telling me I was "making him feel less than........." I've been asking why he never talked about his family - whom I spent time with while mom was dieing and I really enjoyed them, yet found his mom pretty critical in some odd ways.
I've been seeing him and his NPD traits more clearly. He clearly fits the description according to what I've read (except for the rage part). I think my Mother is possibly NPD also and can see some traits I came away with due to her lack of attached nurturance when I was born- I always wondered why I thought she didn't love me - but that's another story. I just realize it's why I was attracted to him. He will also say he'll go to therapy but always finds reasons why he can't.
I mainly want to mention that I think the stress of this r-ship was a big contributor to my health problems - my Thyroid crashed suddenly 10 yrs. ago, I got Cortisol poisoning which led to CFS & Fibromyalgia, insomnia, Migraines, arthritis. This led to severe depression and alcholism. It's taken me several years to sort this all out with the help of a therapist.
Now that he's 64 & I'm 60 I'm in a similar dilemma as you. He is opening up more & more, he read this article and said, "That sounds like me" and we both admit we don't want to grow old alone or start over with someone else. However, my health has suffered greatly from the stress and it all came on before the teen stuff with my youngest and the stressful job - both of which are completely resolved as well as my other son fully recovered from cancer, and I have come to a place of acceptance with my Mother - but I'm left with my health issues and he says he's moving on again! Apparently my confrontation of his behavior is too much for him, yet when he came back he said he wanted us to be completely honest and call each other on our 'stuff'. He's the one who gets confronted the most though - I'm not perfect, however I do feel true empathy and am honest about my issues. And I will not tolerate any form of abuse in my home.
He wants to live like a monk/hermit and Meditate all the time (we're living like housemates now & don't sleep together)!
I want to resolve things because I think it's the cure for my health issues - or at least it will help me feel a whole lot better (I have tried everything else- diet, meditation, cleanses, medication, therapy). The first 4 years we were together was bliss as we rarely fought.... and I did not see him as abusive, like it had been with my former husband who was overt with his anger.
These days I'm feeling rejected by him and think he's no longer attracted to me because of my health.... so it's still like criticism in a kind of passive/aggressive way, coming from him - he says he loves me and cares and wants us to be friends, yet he won't touch me beyond a friendly hug or a shoulder rub sometimes. Being celibate is part of his spiritual path, he says.
So be forewarned, toxic relationships can take their toll in some severe ways. And when I try to reason with him, cry about all this stuff, am very vulnerable with him, he acts like he cares, then he goes on his merry way with zero health problems and talks about moving, meditating & gardening all the time.... like it's 'my way or the hiway'. 'Tolerate this or I'm outta here'. I've been coping by acknowledging his feelings first (as suggested by this author in another article), and gently keeping with asserting what I want and doing my own thing, being lovers with a long time male friend who is single at this time, after a long marriage & painful split - (and I am honest about that) but he only wants 'friends with bennies'- i.e. - no r-ship with anyone while he heals. Actually I'm realizing that between the two of them, I have everything I need for now it's interesting & OK. I can hardly wait to see what happens next! LOL. I think I'll write a book....

Without the rage? Tantrums? Even though you see his parents as critical - if he has npd he would likely consider them to be nearly magical, glorified, or otherwise. he would defensive over even the slightest suggestion of modifying his actions. Im having a really hard time picturing an npd without the tantrums unless you never ever push him to take responsibility for anything.

Do not feel guilty about walking away to preserve your health and sanity. Most narcissists cannot be "fixed." They do not have the capacity for love or empathy. With all the emotional baggage they are dragging around, it is just not possible for them to have healthy relationships. Stop trying to fix what is broken.

I come from a narcissistic father and co-dependent mother, which I only just discovered through therapy the past year or so. I have tended to be more on the co-dependent end, meaning I have always been overly concerned with not hurting others, making sure they're okay, and usually being too vulnerable and getting hurt. I have a hard time figuring out how to be appropriately vulnerable, and when I become hurt from trusting incorrectly, I swing more to the narcissism side and become incredibly independent, reclusive, and feel like I don't need anybody. Are their questions one can ask themselves, or some sort of boundary measure on appropriate levels of vulnerability? I definitely did not learn that from my parents, and while I have read all the "Boundaries" books, I just don't get what information to reveal to people at what points. I've been accused of being both standoffish/very private and an over-sharer. I guess at least I'm well-rounded ;)

Excellent question!--but not easy to answer either. I think it's really about getting better and better at "reading" other people, so you can tell who's trustworthy and who isn't.If you're just not sure, you can try trusting the person "by degrees." Assuming they pass each trusting test, you can then be increasingly vulnerable--appropriately.

From my own experience and the experience of many Internet visitors who've shared their experiences online, it seems that having at least a tendency toward narcissism is beneficial if one's hopes to get to the executive office. Can you offer some reasons why this might be the case? Also, if a person determines that their boss has a tendency toward narcissism or may even have NPD what should they do? Are there ways to work successfully with a narcissist or should you just get out and quickly?

Narcissists almost never seek help, because they don't think they are the problem. Even when they do attend counseling, they will quickly drop out if they are actually being challenged to examine themselves/change their behavior...and then, of course, claim that the therapist was just lousy. The very best thing anyone can do when it comes to narcissists is to keep them as far out of your life as possible. Take it from my experience and that of many unfortunate others - there is no cure for a narcissist and they have NO empathy for you. You are a nothing but a source of narcissistic supply, and they will discard you (and often engage in a vicious smear campaign against you) if they feel they can't get anything else out of you. They're a leeching black hole of angry neediness and they only get worse as they get older. The word "toxic" never applied so aptly as it does to narcissists.

That's how I felt the first time my NPD partner & I split up, sad and yet strangely relieved too. I felt my energy come back right away and only then did I realize how draining the r-ship was for me! However, we got back together after a year - he does not do the rage thing, but he def runs away when he gets too intimate and 'feels' too much. We got married eventually and he has been getting better. At 64, he read this article with me - I had tossed the 'NPD title award' out to him one day when I was really frustrated with his behavior - and he said, "that sounds like me". I got him to read it by saying I was trying to understand my DIL's rage & it's effect on my son -which is true, he was curious so he sat beside me & read it.

Great article. Do you think this type of parenting contributes to developing a HSP? I ask as I had a very serious atractiontoa NP and think in part it was because I saw such similarity in our upbringings. there is an article that states HSPs often have these relationships with NPs. What I didn't realize is how people can respond so differently

Great article. Do you think this type of parenting contributes to developing a HSP? I ask as I had a very serious atractiontoa NP and think in part it was because I saw such similarity in our upbringings. there is an article that states HSPs often have these relationships with NPs. What I didn't realize is how people can respond so differently

I am a HSP. Interesting you say they are born not made. My mum is NPD. She used to say she knew as soon as I was 2 I didn't like her. Other sayings, "You'll never be my equal." And constant criticism, etc. I was loving and caring to my 5 younger brothers and sisters and have gone on to have 3 lovely, well-balanced children who are happy, healthy and unselfish. Wonderful. I married a sociopath (no empathy). We are separated for the past 2 years. 18 months ago, I met an NPD!!! I know he "picked" me because he saw that I was loving, caring and understanding. We just broke up - again - his doing (over the phone!) We had been getting close and every time that happens he reacts. To make matters worse, he is a mosaic XXY (mosaic because he can grow a beard and has fathered children). I believe he developed narcissism as a result of bullying in high school. He is the youngest child in a large family. I went to see him because I wanted him to say it to my face. I couldn't believe he would break up with me so callously after the intimacy of the last night we'd spent together. He acted cold (I disbelieved his coldness - though I wonder whether I'm delusional), and said he'd met someone else and he was packing up his life and leaving to be with her. I said, so you found someone worth doing that for? And he looked at me and said, "Yes." I know he was deliberately trying to hurt me and thinking intuitively I believe that he rejected me because we were getting too close and he's afraid that I'll reject him. On our last date, I'd discovered he was XXY. I am sure he is afraid of being rejected, but I think his NPD is triggered by having been bullied at boarding school and compounded by the issues that being XXY raise. He is a complicated individual. I like him for a multitude of reasons. I find him very appealing. It's the best sex I've experienced and he's always intimately close in bed, though recalcitrant with compliments, unlike me. He's gentle and artistic. I get a buzz out of being in his company. Will he drive me insane?

Wow, a really eye opening article. An former associate of mine is *exactly* as you describe in this article, to a T! Even the slightest 'perceived' criticism is met with unmitigating fury on her part. If you made a comment on one of her animals, it was perceived as a slur against her! And yes, in writing that last sentence, I have realised how unhinged that makes her sound. Anything negative about her, and you are sure to be called up and berated in angry, shouting tones about how unfair you are to her, and how difficult you are making her life! Wow, I am very glad to have this person out of my life, it really is a blessing.

Thank you for this article, it really makes sense to to make sure that such people are not within your social or professional circles!

I noticed something another commenter said (Loving a NPD significant other Submitted by Anonymous on October 13, 2011) on breaking through his "fort". My again ex-husband, about 3 months after our first divorce, stated that he had built himself into a fort and "realized that each stone must be torn away" and so on. He made mention that his parents had "never cut his apron strings". At that time, he wanted to know if we could "begin again". He had put me through hell, throwing me out of the house with no money, having his brother snatch our children and had me thrown into a hospital claiming I was homicidal (I told the pastor, who assisted in the child snatching, that someone ought to kill him, in a metaphorical sense, as he totally betrayed my trust that he was "safe passage" to pick up some things for me and our children to stay at a friend's). Anyway, it sounds like he had some awareness of his troubles and I knew nothing of all this (although I developed PTSD and my therapist would occasionally mutter "narcissist" when I spoke of past or current events). Is this "fort" thing a common thing? His relatives babied him and treated him as incompetent; I fell into that at first but was aware he had undeveloped potential and treated him as I would expect him to behave as a man. I am aware that all the "love" they showed was conditional. But seriously, I do wonder why someone with some awareness would stay tied to their mother's apron strings, willingly? We got back together; he had an affair and his gambling problem came out ... I told him things could be worked out, if he was willing, but he chose to gamble on his affairee divorcing and marrying him at some point. And even though we have children and they already went through the pain of one divorce, his relatives were in total "support" of this married woman and her breaking up her marriage ... just because of the approval factor? And because I refused to kowtow to their script (but civilly and courteously, just not allowing them to violate me anymore). I've heard that their real self is never shown, never developed. I'm sure that's not always 100% true ... but I sometimes feel more confused than ever, what he "was" and what I went through ... but it seems he closed me out of his fort more securely than the others who wrote his script ... is there so much more a sense of security there? And this time round, he determined he'd destroy me, because I wouldn't "obey" his demands (and saw through it?). Any resources or shedding of light would be greatly appreciated. Still struggling with anger and lots of cleaning up the destruction alone, so I'm definitely not in tune with the vulnerable and fragile person/side you are talking about.

I agree with every word you say except that I do not believe narcissists are made. They are born.
Yes, some kids get it difficult when growing up, but it doesn't make them ns. It didn't make me one. I lived with one for 20+ years. He was part of a big family - 6 brothers, 1 sister. The traits are there in almost all of them.
I grew up in a large family too, very working class with parents who did nothing but argue and fight. I have no memories of love, cuddles or happiness in my childhood, but it didn't make me narcissistic.
My own 3 children (not by the N, but by someone who definitly had personally problems) are all different despite the same upbringing. One is Aspergers, one is BPD, one is 'normal'. I love them all equally and have always given them love, security and tried to instill confidence in them. My life experience has taught me that people are who they are when they are born. Yes, experiences can have an affect, but human beings have the capacity to overcome these early disadvantages and even become stronger and more understanding adults because of them.
Physiologists are too wrapped up in looking for 'cause and effect' when maybe they should be more focused on genealogy.
That's where the answers lay.