Nothing Looks Better Than a Head Between Your Thighs Feels and Other Shit Chat

We’re picking at low-hanging fruit today. Let’s talk about sucking dick. (Dad, let me say it one more time: this is not the column for you.)

Sucking dick is great, and boy howdy do I take pride in my work. Hell, I have wet dreams about giving head. As someone pointed out the other day, one of the few things that I am consistently capable of is giving good oral. I like being called pet names as I do it. I like having my hair played with. Going down gets me hot. Going down is an honour and a privilege.

A feminist who likes being on her knees?? Feminism diSproved!!&!#&!!, etc.

It is called a blowjob for a reason though, right? Like, you gotta put your back into it. Go big or go home, fortune favours the enthusiastic. It is hard but rewarding work — erection humour, truly revolutionary comedy Sash — except the reward part dries up faster than the Sahara Desert as soon as it becomes apparent that the person I’m hooking up with flat out refuses to return the favour.

With one night stands, a lot of the time I won’t let guys go down on me anyway. By and large a drunken hookup will “go down on you” (read: will ineffectually lick your flaps but never quite discover the clit) for all of three minutes before calling it quits: I’m just saving us all the trouble. But that’s not the point. Think of it like going on a date with someone rich and pretending to reach for your wallet when the bill comes. At least pretend to reach for your wallet man — just pretend you give a single fuck about whether or not I also get off tonight — and I’m still gonna go down on you.

Don’t get me wrong — unreciprocated oral can be hot. Right person, right time, right place, etc. And I mean, power to you, don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with. But if you’re going to go home with someone, sit back while they do the lord’s work for up to an hour (generous in most cases), and then say “I don’t do that” when it comes to helping them out — you deserve to be put in the fucking bin.

Yeah, you know where I’m going with this. Let’s talk about DJ “There Are Different Rules For Men” Khaled.

In case you live an actual life and aren’t constantly consuming popular culture via social media platforms, here’s the scoop: an interview with DJ “We The Best” Khaled from a few years back has resurfaced, wherein he revealed that he refuses to perform oral sex on his wife.

“No, never. Nah, hell nah. I don’t. You know what I’m saying? Like, I don’t, nah. I don’t do that. I don’t do that. I don’t — nah listen. I put in that work. My work is great. I do my thing,” Khaled said in the interview, and I am not making that shit up. “Now if she told you she don’t do that, is that okay?” asked co-host Angela Yee, to which Khaled eloquently responded, “na it’s not okay”.

“There’s different rules for men. You know what I’m saying, you know you gotta understand like you know we we um, we you know, we’re the King, you know what I’m saying so we know, some things that, y’all might not want to do or want to do — it gotta get done. You know what I’m saying? I just can’t do what you want me to do. I just can’t.”

Nicole Tuck — Mrs DJ Khaled, if you will — deserves to be fucking knighted for sticking with this man since the early 90s, BEARING HIS CHILD, and probably having to hear him wheeze “another one” at her from a starfish position on the bed on a regular basis, without ever ONCE being orally pleasured in return. I guess part of being The Queen is having the patience of a saint.

One delightful silver lining is The Rock’s response to this shit. On 6 May he tweeted “Ahem.. *clears throat* as a man, I take great pride in mastering ALL performances. This is probably a little TMI.. I will now quietly excuse myself from this fun thread [sic],” confirming once and for all that yes, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson does in fact eat ass. Do with that information what you will.
It’s just disrespectful, honestly. Is that what unconditional love is? Sticking with someone despite their absolute aversion to looking your genitals in the eye? If so, I want no part in it. Personalities undulate, wealth can be lost — but orgasms are forever.
Love you, xoxo

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