Good evening, Mr. Cruise. To receive this mysterious package, please say the code phrase. Then click every part of this photo with a road sign in it.

TOM CRUISE

(intensely)

I AM THE STORM.

(clicks boxes)

(clicks "not a robot")

(gets package)

The package is a BOOK with a STEAMPUNK SPY MESSAGE PROJECTOR inside!

VOICE ON TAPE

Ooookay I hope you're sitting down because this one takes a while to set up. You remember how there was an evil shadowy cult-like organization called the Scien--

TOM CRUISE

(smashes things)

VOICE ON TAPE

--dicate, I was saying Syndicate all along. Anyhoo most of them are dead and the ones who aren't are now called The Apostles. At various times in the movie they either work for, or with, or against a mysterious bad guy known only as... John Lark.

(pause)

So there are three plutonium cores which, for the purposes of this movie, are the ONLY source of plutonium anywhere on Earth. A crazy scientist guy wants to use them to build custom nukes for John Lark. Therefore YMSYCTAI, is to go buy the plutonium from some asshole who will try to act all important but who SOOOOOOO isn't.

INT. SHADOWY TUNNEL OF SHADINESS

TOM and SIMON PEGG meet with the plutonium-selling douchebag.

PLUTONIUM-SELLING DOUCHEBAG

Hey, I was told I'd be a major vill-

(SHUT UP YOU)

TOM CRUISE

(into radio)

Okay Ving, they've brought the plutonium, you can bring out the money!

SIMON PEGG

Wait a sec... you're asking Ving to carry the money from the surveillance van, all the way over here? You know about the "no-walking" clause in his contract right?

TOM CRUISE

Shit! That means something's about to go horribly wrong--

VING RHAMES

Yeah, I'm being held hostage now! Held completely still, in one spot, and also hostage. But don't worry about me, get the plutonium!

Dammit, what to do?! Well Black Panther already did a remote-controlled sports car this year, so...

(saves Ving)

There you go, buddy! I sure hope Simon took care of the plutonium.

SIMON PEGG

Huh? No I rushed over here to watch you save Ving and not help. Oops.

The PLUTONIUM --- IS GONE!

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM OF DEFEAT

On CNN, WOLF BLITZER covers the breaking story of the THREE NUKES that have been detonated in major populated areas.

TOM CRUISE

Shit, really? We're leading off with catastrophic failure? I mean none of the destroyed cities are American so it's just barely possible we might really be doing this...

EVIL SCIENTIST

(in hospital bed)

Ha ha ha! Silly American spies, you have failed, as evidenced by this CNN news feed, my only source of information!

TOM CRUISE

Ohhhh okay I see what we're doing. Um, since you've already won, how about unlocking this phone that has crucial information on it?

EVIL SCIENTIST

But of course, why not! The code to the phone is HUNT, you see that way it says "I AM HUNT-LOCKED", it's a reference to

WOLF BLITZER

(bursting in)

AW YEEAHH WELCOME TO THE SITUATION ROOM AND THE SITUATION IS YOU DONE FUCKED UP ASSHOLE!!

(rips off mask)

It's really me, Simon!

VING RHAMES

And this isn't really a hospital room, it's IMF headquarters!

(walls dramatically slide upwards to reveal vast hangar)

Sure we could have used a normal room with some props but this reveal is WAY cooler.

EVIL SCIENTIST

No fair, you guys used this same trick to start the first M:I movie!

TOM CRUISE

Yeah, if that kind of thing is gonna be a problem for you, better leave now.

EVIL SCIENTIST

Okay.

(fucks off)

CUE: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEEEEMME!!!! AND WE'RE NOT OVERUSING IT THIS TIME AROUND SO BETTER ENJOY IT NOOWWWWW!!!!!

EXT. AIRSTRIP OF DRAMA

TOM CRUISE arrives dramatically at the AIRSTRIP to meet ALEC BALDWIN.

ALEC BALDWIN

Yes, I run IMF now, because Tom is just so amazing I had to switch agencies. We've learned that John Lark has arranged to meet a mysterious arms dealer called the White Widow.

TOM CRUISE

White Widow? We gonna meet Blue Sparrow later?

ALEC BALDWIN

The plan is for you to imfaceonate Lark and buy the plutonium instead. It's all up to your team because apparently the IMF has fewer agents than goddamn SHIELD now.

However who should stride up at that moment but CIA DIRECTOR ANGELA BASSETT flanked by HENRY CAVILL and HENRY CAVILL'S FACIAL HAIR!

ALEC BALDWIN

Oh no no no. Don't you dare Angela! You can't add your agent to this mission, what if we have too many good guys?! Fuck you and your trying to add more resources to this vitally important mission!

ANGELA BASSETT

Please. Tom is like a scalpel and Henry is a hammer. It might seem like international espionage is a delicate scalpel-like scenario, but I just like smashing shit and seeing what happens, y'know? Anyway Henry is going and that's final.

ALEC BALDWIN

What about the cheesy moustache?

ANGELA BASSETT

THAT IS GOING TOO AND THAT IS ALSO FINAL. It's, um,

(snickers)

really important. To the story.

(chuckles)

Heh heh heh, fuck you Warner.

INT. AIRPLANE OF ACTION

TOM and HENRY put on their supercool HALO skydiving outfits and strut about trying to assert themselves as MASTER CHIEF.

TOM CRUISE

Guess it's almost time to FALL OUT of the plane!

(winks)

HENRY CAVILL

Don't try anything cute, Tom. I'm an equal part of this mission, plus I'm big and manly, so don't fuck with me. Now how does this furshlugginer suit work anyway

(drops helmet)

Oops haha I'll just

(bonks head)

OW

(farts)

(trips into ten-tier wedding cake)

FNURTZ

(pratfalls out of plane)

WHOOOOPSSIIEEEEEE

TOM CRUISE

Wow, no way is a fuckup like THAT gonna be my nemesis this movie. Guess I can trust him!

TOM dramatically RESCUES HENRY and they head into the NIGHTCLUB full of FLASHY FLASHY LIGHTS because might as well get the OBLIGATORY MIGRAINES over with quickly.

INT. NIGHTCLUB OF DANGER

TOM and HENRY use GIZMOS to track JOHN LARK'S GIZMO and they find him in the BATHROOM.

TOM CRUISE

Good thing the 400 guys at this club all decided to take a shit ten minutes ago, leaving the bathroom wide open for a good old-fashioned punch-up!

TOM and HENRY start fistfighting LIANG YANG who they presume is JOHN LARK, and since he's a career stuntman who didn't get a dramatic introduction, WHY WOULDN'T HE BE?!? They have a PROLONGED, ROOM-DESTROYING, CONFUSING-GIF-GENERATING BATTLE, at the end of which LIANG YANG has DEFEATED HENRY and is about to KILL TOM---but is SHOT by either REBECCA FERGUSON or MICHELLE MONAGHAN!!!

REBECCA FERGUSON

Oh come on, it's me you idiots. Just because we're both brunettes with similar facial features and according to Google are both exactly 1.7 metres tall, really?

TOM CRUISE

Holy shit I can't believe it! I mean, getting saved in the nick of time I believe, but we actually brought back a supporting actress?!

REBECCA FERGUSON

That surprised me too, until I realized "bringing shit back" is kind of a theme this time around...

TOM CRUISE

Now since my mask-making computer busted in the fight, I'll have to impersonate John Lark using my own face, and hope the White Widow has never met him in person!

HENRY CAVILL

Ooh, like in Ghost Protocol!

TOM CRUISE

You're catching on.

The three of them head over towards the FANCY GALA ROOM where VANESSA KIRBY, the WHITE WIDOW, is hosting a function in her public persona of FUNDRAISING PHILANTHROPIST.

REBECCA FERGUSON

I have to warn you Tom, people are here to kill John Lark. I have no fucking idea who since I thought the Apostles were working with Lark?

TOM CRUISE

My briefing covered this, the Apostles do whatever needs to happen to create an action set-piece.

(approaching Vanessa)

Hi, I'm super evil. Let's do evil business together.

VANESSA KIRBY

Why yes, I do lots of evil business, person who could be literally anybody who stumbled across the name "John Lark"! Please peruse this catalogue of my evil services! And did you know that every 10 evil transactions entitles you to a free-

The GOONS ATTACK requiring TOM and REBECCA and HENRY to start killing some dudes!

VANESSA KIRBY

Ooh I shall also whip out my concealed knife and kill some dudes with my assassin skills! The way fundraising philanthropists do. Seriously how the FUCK have I maintained a respectable cover identity for this long.

They ESCAPE!

INT. VANESSA'S PALACE OF PERIL

TOM and HENRY prepare to buy the plutonium, BUT!

VANESSA KIRBY

Oh no, you see, I'm just the broker here. In exchange for the plutonium, you must break Sean Harris out of custody and deliver him to me.

TOM CRUISE

So wait, who the fuck is your client? Is it the Apostles who just tried to kill me, and now want do to this deal with me?? So that they can fulfil John Lark's manifesto which implies they're working WITH him after all and if they already have the plutonium why would they be trading it TO him (which is really me) and-

VANESSA KIRBY

Let me distract you with an ethical dilemma! We have a plan to free Sean Harris that involves murdering tons of innocent cops.

We skip ahead to the PLAN where to maintain his cover TOM must GUN DOWN INNOCENT COPS, EVILLY!! My goodness this installment is really going to a dark place isn't it, putting TOM into truly horrible moral quagmires! What a bold and risky move by

TOM CRUISE

Oh haha that was just me daydreaming, I haven't actually done anything evil. So for the SECOND time, we've teased a major failure as though it really happened, then said "NOT!". This is our one new trick for this movie, you're welcome.

EXT. RANDOM CONCRETE LANDSCAPE OF INTRIGUE

HENRY secretly meets with ANGELA.

HENRY CAVILL

Y'know it would be reeeeallly sneaky of John Lark to infiltrate an American spy agency, then manipulate shit to get himself assigned to the John Lark case, yes sirree. Heh heh heh.

(pause)

Which is obviously what TOM did. Yeah, that's it. Look here's the phone we took from Liang Yang which is full of pictures of Tom wearing I AM JOHN LARK T-shirts.

ANGELA BASSETT

Hm but we saw that phone earlier and it was smashed. So clearly this is a fake and you're John Lark.

HENRY CAVILL

Well duh.

ANGELA BASSETT

That was kind of a low-key reveal of the major new villain, wasn't it.

HENRY CAVILL

Well it's not like they didn't fucking blab my villain status on every fucking entertainment news network months ago. Anyway we'll do the reveal again, later in the movie, and make it more dramatic next time.

ANGELA BASSETT

Cool.

EXT. PARIS, FRANCE, OF TENSION

It's BUST OUT SEAN HARRIS DAY! However TOM has thought of a NEW PLAN where he RAMS the armoured car holding SEAN, sending it into the RIVER!

TOM CRUISE

I'm so glad I thought of this new plan that won't endanger innocent cops!

TOM draws a NEW CARD from the REQUIRED STUNT DECK and gets... MOTORCYCLE CHASE! He leaps onto a MOTORCYCLE and leads the PARIS POLICE on an EPIC MARATHON CHASE through the city including the CHAMPS D'ELYSEES and the ARC DE TRIOMPHE while gaining MOST AGGRESSIVE RIDER CONSIDERATION and extending his GENERAL CLASSIFICATION LEAD even though on the final day of the Tour that's essentially decided already!!

TOUR DE FRANCE GREEN JERSEY WINNER PETER SAGAN

What, no sprint points?!

(winks)

TOM CRUISE

Maybe later.

(winks)

After quite a considerable length of time TOM finally rides directly into a CAR and WIPES OUT!!

TOM CRUISE

Oof! You know what they say, 90% of all accidents happen twenty feet from your pre-arranged rendezvous getaway point!

TOM cuts through a grate and drops down towards an UNDERGROUND RIVER, but falls into a BOAT with SIMON and VING who have also grabbed SEAN HARRIS! They meet up with HENRY at a garage and are about to leave but a YOUNG FEMALE FRENCH COP spots them!

TOM CRUISE

Ohmigod, a brunette with vaguely Monaghanesque features?!? I got this.

(to cop)

I don't suppose you're 1.7 metres tall are you? I have a tape measure...

ALIX BENEZECH

(wide-eyed)

Zut alors, I am cheesily fascinated by you!

(shot by goons)

Tabernac! Flee, mon petit, flee...

(sings Fantine's aria from Les Mis)

The gang start DRIVING OFF but suddenly, REBECCA-FERGUSON-or-MICHELLE-MONAGHAN-but-realistically-it's-gotta-be-REBECCA-FERGUSON is shooting at them!

TOM CRUISE

FUCK! Everyone get out before-

SIMON PEGG

Actually, despite the five of us being crammed into this stupidly tiny car with no room to breathe, all dozen or so of Rebecca's bullets passed through the car without wounding anyone. Maybe we should just ignore her.

TOM CRUISE

NOPE NOPE NOPE! Everyone out except me and Sean, the one person the mission depends on NOT getting shot, so I can drive straight at her!

TOM smashes his car directly into REBECCA and leaves her lying injured on the street, which in the world of SPY-TO-SPY RELATIONSHIPS is roughly equivalent to WAITING TWO DAYS BEFORE REPLYING TO A TEXT so they'll be fine.

EXT. BRIDGE OF SPIES (NOT THE SPIELBERG ONE)

TOM meets up with VANESSA again.

VANESSA KIRBY

So you have Sean, excellent. My clients will trade the plutonium for him... AND Rebecca, DUN DUN DUNNNN!

TOM CRUISE

That's fine, the exchange is never happening anyway, so why not. Fuck it, I'll throw in Jeremy Renner too, since he decided to go jerk it for this whole movie.

VANESSA KIRBY

Oh Tom, I'm so cheesily fascinated by you!

(smooches Tom)

TOM CRUISE

(winks to camera)

Still got it! And by "it" I mean producer credit.

EXT. LONDON, ENGLAND OF ESPIONAGE -- THE NEXT DAY

REBECCA sees TOM walking around and walks after him. Then TOM walks a bit further and REBECCA walks to where he was but TOM has walked some more so REBECCA walks to that point but TOM has walked juuuust a bit extra so they STARE and then both WALK SIDEWAYS to between some trees, and if they were trying to be all subtle and sneaky about it well NOT SO MUCH GUYS.

REBECCA FERGUSON

I'm sorry, I'm under orders from MI-6 to kill Sean.

TOM CRUISE

You don't have to apologize for following the script, we're all doing that.

REBECCA FERGUSON

No no, not M:I6, MI-6.

TOM CRUISE

I don't follow, we AGREE this is M:I6. So why-

REBECCA FERGUSON

MI-6 THE BRANCH OF BRITISH SPECIAL INTELLIGENCE, NOT M:I6 THE SIXTH MISSION IMPOSSIBLE MOVIE DAMMIT ARGHHH

(uproots trees)

TOM CRUISE

Ah.

(light bulb)

Ohhh NOW I get it, the character Wong is played by Benedict Wong! So when Cumberbatch says

(punched in face)

INT. SUBTERRANEAN TUNNELS OF SUBTERFUGE

All the main characters gather to figure out the next step in the plan, along with ALEC BALDWIN!

ALEC BALDWIN

Okay, we'll disguise Simon as Sean, trade him for the plutonium, and then Simon will just rescue himself or something. That's a plausible-sounding plan! Let's go!

TOM CRUISE

Henry, you stay here and guard the "real" Sean, oops I mean the real Sean, next to this laptop camera set to record everything that happens okay?

TOM and VING and REBECCA and SIMON and ALEC take off leaving HENRY alone with SEAN.

HENRY CAVILL

I guess it's finally time to do the second and more official reveal of myself as the Big Bad. So ta-da, I'm evil. And pissed.

SEAN HARRIS

Why?

HENRY CAVILL

BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND ANY OF OUR GODDAMN EVIL PLAN.

(waves script around)

Look, here I say that we had a deal, you help me get the plutonium and I help you frame Tom as being John Lark. So are the Apostles your guys or my guys? Why were they sent to kill Lark if we're working together? Have my guys had the plutonium all along in which case why did I bother helping to free you? I'M SO FUCKING CONFUSED

SEAN HARRIS

Well I can't explain my scheme because...

(whips off mask)

I'm really Simon! We fooled you! And everyone's still here after all!

THE REAL SEAN HARRIS

Haha fuck you Henry! Apparently I went along with it just for funsies?

TOM CRUISE

So now we've proven--again--that YOU are the evil John Lark. Wait a sec, John LARK. Your character's name is Agent WALKER. You chose an alias made of letters from YOUR OWN NAME?!? DUDE! Fuck that would be like if I had a superhero alter ego called MOISTURE! Hm wait a sec.

(greenlights "Moisture" movie)

(TOM CRUISE is BRINGING THE MOISTURE!! SUMMER 2021!!)

REBECCA FERGUSON

Eww.

ALEC BALDWIN

(into phone)

Did you get all that Angela?

ANGELA BASSETT

(on phone)

I did, I heard all of Henry's explicit, unambiguous confession of evil. But I've decided there are bad people on both sides so I'm arresting everyone.

...because nobody runs like you, Tom. Nobody does it better. You ARE... the storm.

(fading)

Now go. Run... for me.

(dies)

TOM CRUISE

(nods solemnly)

All right.

(stretches)

(deep breath)

...Ready.

(brings systems online)

(activates heat shielding)

SET...

(revs up legs in windmill pattern while body stays in one spot)

NASA CONTROL

We are green for launch. Repeat, green for launch.

CUE: IMMIGRANT SONG THOR RAGNAROK MIX TIMES A MILLION

An EAR-SHATTERING BOOM shakes ALL OF LONDON as the AIR VIOLENTLY SHITS ITSELF and the SHEER ADRENALINE BLUR that is FULL RUNNING TOM CRUISE erupts forward!!!!

TOM CRUISE

(supersonic)

GGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

TOM TURBO-SMASHES his way through ROADS and BUILDINGS and OFFICES and CITIES and SOUND BARRIERS and QUANTUM REALMS and INTERGALACTIC JUMP RINGS and finally reaches an ELEVATOR five seconds after HENRY finishes leisurely strolling over, so that was quite the head start there Henry.

TOM CRUISE

Still not too late!

(grabs bottom of elevator)

HENRY CAVILL

Oh hey. Good thing this is an old-timey steel cage elevator so I can see you. Anyway let me escape or I'll murder the woman in this photo, I think it's Michelle Monaghan?

Anyway we also have a tracker on Sean, we can find him anywhere in the world, and it was our plan all along for him to escape. If you're counting, that's Total Failure Fakeout Number Three!

REBECCA FERGUSON

So all that running was--

TOM CRUISE

I MUST STEP AWAY TO HAVE MANLY FEELS NOW

VING RHAMES

Let me explain something Rebecca. Tom is one of those Action Heroes that gets a free pass to be 100% romantically committed to whoever's in the room with him at any given moment. That used to be Michelle, now it's you. And I think he might have taken that French cop's number, just FYI. I wouldn't worry about Vanessa so much unless she dyes her hair.

Fine I think. Though it concerns me that Henry said he could harm her anytime he wants. But... HOW?

SIMON PEGG

Maybe one of the international medical volunteers at the medical village where Sean and Henry are going might have a theory how international medical volunteer Michelle could possibly be mixed up in this.

REBECCA FERGUSON

(facepalms)

SIMON PEGG

But that's not our only problem. We know Henry and/or Sean now has two nukes, and they're controlled by a remote detonator. Flerble glorble blerb and that's why all three must be disarmed together at the very last moment. Off we go!

EXT. KASHMIR -- MEDICAL VILLAGE OF FINAL SHOWDOWNS

The GANG enter town and find MICHELLE MONAGHAN OR REBECCA FERGUSON BUT SINCE REBECCA IS RIGHT OVER THERE THIS MUST BE MICHELLE HOLYYY SHIIIIIT!!!!

TOM CRUISE

Michelle, what are you doing here?!?

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

We got an anonymous grant from the Agent Walk R. Johnlark Foundation so here we are. Oh this is my husband Wes Bentley, who knows nothing about you or the IMF.

TOM CRUISE

Excellent, we can have a nice long conversation about nothing then. Good time for a quick bathroom run, audience!

Eventually MICHELLE and WES move along and our heroes search for the NUKES.

VING RHAMES

I've found one! Also I'm already sitting next to it and I'm not fucking moving the whole rest of this movie.

REBECCA FERGUSON

And I see Sean lingering menacingly over there, I bet he's got a nuke!

(dashes off)

TOM CRUISE

And I see Henry over there, plus my X-ray telescopic vision tells me he has the remote!

(dashes off)

SIMON PEGG

And I, er, will stumble about and then help...

(rolls d6)

...Rebecca!

(dashes off)

In an unoccupied HUT, REBECCA slowly steps in only to be BLINDSIDED BY SEAN and TIED TO A CHAIR!! Then SIMON shows up, slowly stepping in only to be BLINDSIDED BY SEAN and TIED TO A NOOSE!!

I realized too late you can't cut four wires with two hands at once, but luckily Michelle wandered over or we'd all be totes fucked.

SIMON PEGG

So now I guess it's ALL UP to TOM!

(grins to camera)

EXT. AW FUCK YEAH BIG CLIMACTIC HELICOPTER CHASE OH BOY!!

TOM has stolen a HELICOPTER to chase HENRY in his HELICOPTER!

TOM CRUISE

You're gonna get it now Henry! I've taught myself rudimentary heli-pilot skills so I can do my own aerial stunts!!

HENRY CAVILL

What if we paid a professional experienced stunt pilot to do some wicked awesome stunts though? I'm just saying...

TOM CRUISE

TOM CRUISE DOES HIS OWN FUCKING STUNTS OKAY?!? NOW FOR CRASHY CRASH TIME!

TOM SMASHES his COPTER into HENRY'S COPTER! They both CRASH and end up facing off on a CLIFF, a COPTER dangling below them held by a CABLE, and the all important DETONATOR lying precariously close to the edge!

TOM CRUISE

Right, time to earn those King of the Mountain points!

(winks)

(seriously, another Tour de France joke?!? What the fuck dude! At least we won't have to hear about Best Young Rider though, amirite, cycling fans?? Heh heh. Anyway let's return to the film)

HENRY CAVILL

Dammit, half my face melted in the crash! Am I gonna have to fight Batman again?

TOM CRUISE

At least I don't have to ask whether you bleed. Now die!

TOM and HENRY FIGHT and they both FALL OVER THE EDGE!

HENRY CAVILL

Ha ha, I grabbed the cable!

TOM CRUISE

Well I grabbed the cliff, shithead.

(pulls cable loose)

The METAL HOOK at the cable's end flies downward and OBLITERATES HENRY'S FACE and then he FALLS 30,000 FEET and then, juuust to be sure, the copter EXPLODES ENGULFING HENRY IN FIRE and the whole sorry mess gets eaten by THE MEG.

But a BLINDING WHITE LIGHT fills the screen! HOLY SHIT, THEY FAILED AND ALL DIED INSTANTLY IN A NUCLEAR you're not buying this for a fucking second are you.

TOM CRUISE

Nope, that was just the sunrise, and I succeeded! Total Failure Fakeout... Number Four!

(collapses)

INT. MEDICAL TENT OF DENOUEMENT

TOM wakes up in a hospital bed surrounded by all the surviving supporting cast. REBECCA whispers something to MICHELLE but since it's the only time in the entire movie two women talk to each other, we don't hear it.

ANGELA BASSETT

Well done Tom. I showed up at the last second and based on what I saw, I now 100% believe in you, even though I didn't really see anything. Oh did I mention how Vanessa Kirby works with us, and always has? Please don't think about how horribly that fucks up the entire plot.

SIMON PEGG

Woo-hoo! Chalk up another victory for the team!

(pause)

Y'know, I did more action stuff in Hot Fuzz than I've done in this entire franchise. Funny that.

VING RHAMES

(calcifying)

Quite.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

Glad you made it Tom. I'll always love you. Right, who's next in line?

I'm going to keep making these fucking movies till I'm 85, you do realize that.

END

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