Sometimes

I had a narcissist/possible sociopath try to invade my group of friends in January. I was the one who found him and brought him into the group. :tsk:

I've lost my mother and my father, and my brother lives in a place called Oblivious.

I live with my adopted dad, who doesn't understand my illness or situation. Neither does anyone else.

I spend most of my time alone, barely able to cook, sometimes barely able to get down the stairs to the kitchen.

Because I don't look sick to the untrained eye, people speculate if I'm really that sick or just lazy.

I haven't even gotten into the real crap I've been through in life that led to feeling suicidal since I was 13.

I live in constant pain and fatigue, fight for every inch of my independence.

I am strength. I endure silently, quietly, sometimes trying to talk and finding no one really gets it. I meet this world of expectation, assumption.

Sometimes I can't tell who I want to kill more: me or everyone else.
Sometimes I keep living out of spite. Yeah, I'm still here. Yeah, I'm still in your face. What, are my problems bothering you? Too bad.
Sometimes I keep living out of hope. Maybe... What if? There could always be something worth it around the corner.
Sometimes I keep living out of defiance. You can't make me give up that easily.
Sometimes I am haunted. I feel like the thing nobody wants. People say they love me, but they can't back it up with action.
Sometimes I wonder if people really want me to die, but they feel too guilty by societal pressure to help those less fortunate to really express that view.

But it always comes down to this: I'm still here. I still wake up every morning. What will I do with who I am, what I've become, my experience? I figure I may as well keep pressing forward, even if all I can muster today is half a step. :redrose:

Welcome to the forum. It's a difficult situation your are going through but please keep posting for support. You are important so do not think your are on your own. You are a SURVIVOR by what you gave experienced in life. I respect gat you the courage to post all the information about yourself. Take care and keep posting.