Everyone I know, including me, imagines living a long, rich life and not one of us ever wants to get to that eventual point, when you're old and your body is failing you, when quality of life diminishes beyond negotiation. Who wants to become too confused to recognize cherished family members or get to the point that you’re unable to take care of life’s most basic necessities on your own? I don’t want that for me or for those I love.

Last week I helped my most loyal companion to die with dignity..

Recently, my American Mastiff, Cooper, was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of lymphoma. In fact, it was moving so swiftly that by the time she started to look like she wasn’t feeling very well the cancer had already taken over. Literally, one day she was playing and wrestling with Flynn in the yard and the next she looked really tired. A few days after that I noticed some odd lumps in her neck and when we went to the doctor to have them checked he told me she had a month to live at most.

Needless to say, I was crushed.

I know that right now I have some family and close friends who are angry that I didn’t call them when I got this diagnosis. To be perfectly honest, I was selfish and wanted to spend uninterrupted time with her without focusing on her illness. I put her on a high calorie diet in an attempt to keep her from losing weight so rapidly but, otherwise, I tried to keep our normal routine.

At the risk of sounding unappreciative, I just couldn't take the well meaning phone calls or cards and letters while I was desperately clinging to simply concentrating on her remaining time. I wanted to just sit with her quietly and keep her as comfortable as I could. She was aging significantly and losing weight every day so it was clear to anyone who looked at her that she was ill. I just told those folks that she was getting old and wasn’t feeling well.

I grieved for her eventual loss every single day. When I wasn't with her I would spontaneously break out in sobs at any given moment. I felt like she was already gone and I would really have to struggle to bring myself back and remember that I still had time with her. Each time I would renew myself to putting on a happy face so that when I saw her next, Cooper could too.

She seemed truly happy and wagged her tail often. She didn’t appear to be in any pain but she was clearly very tired so she slept a lot. A few times I tried to feed her a special diet without also giving the unnecessary calories to Flynn but Cooper refused to eat it unless I put it into a communal bowl where she could share it with her sister. Maybe it was Flynn's excitement at the "treat" that made her happy. But eventually, she gave up on eating altogether.

I believe it’s important to face death with dignity and grace. Can a body in great pain, suffering, or weakened mentally demonstrate personal poise and self-respect? Probably not. I didn’t want Cooper to get to the point that she was in pain, could no longer go out into the yard herself, or to become too confused to know where she was.

After the second day that she wouldn’t eat, she was growing weaker so I called this really wonderful mobile veterinarian that a friend of mine uses for house calls. Dr. Flake and I talked about the options and discussed how I would know it was time. Refusing food was certainly my first sign.

That evening when I got home from work I saw that Cooper was now blind. It was a terrible shock to me since I didn’t know that this was common with lymphoma. She still wanted to go outside on her own so I walked beside her to keep her from running into things. On top of the blindness I noticed some anxiety and confusion in her. I told myself that was to be expected under the circumstances. But I knew it was time, so I scheduled an appointment for Dr. Flake to come the next afternoon.

In the morning Cooper was a bit more energetic and she was much more lucid but as the day wore on she was increasingly frustrated by her blindness and also very weak, wobbly and tired. I spent the day with her out in the yard, most of that time was spent in her very most favorite sunny spot on the back deck. That was where I told the doctor that Cooper would be the most comfortable.

At 4:30 pm on Friday, September 10th Cooper rested her head in my lap, I stroked her soft lambskin ears and she quietly slipped away.

She lived with dignity and grace and I wanted her to take as much of that with her as possible… she did.

Memory is the one mercy that grief offers us… Flynn and I will miss our most amazing, loving and loyal companion.

This was a very stressful week here at Moose Manor. I had an awful predator problem and lost 7 ducks in 3 days! I figured that it was a bird of prey, likely a hawk, and though many of my sources said that the signs didn’t point to a raptor issue I pursued that line of prevention anyway. It got worse as time progressed and I lost 4 ducks in one day. I won’t go into great detail about the injuries but many of those sweet little birds were not killed by the predator, they were instead left terribly maimed and traumatized, still capable of walking but totally beyond medical attention. I did the right thing by all of them, which was incredibly emotionally taxing for me and I’m still sad. Especially since I lost both of my juvenile Khaki Campbell girls in one day – they were my little incubator babies and my favorites. Little Hardee Campbell and Messie Campbell are gone now and poor, sweet Hardee hung in there until I got home that evening. I cried and cried when I saw her but knew what I had to do. The KC drake, Splashie Campbell, just seemed so lost without the girls as he wandered back and forth in the enclosure with the Harlequin.

I couldn’t keep them all locked in their barns with 100 degree heat so I only gave them a relatively small outdoor area and, other than stretching bird netting over an acre of woods, I tried every trick and crazy suggestion in the book over the several days my ducks were being attacked - most of the “tried and true” methods were completely ineffective. The one thing that worked was creating a giant web of 20lb test fishing line about 7 feet above the ground over their enclosures and play areas. I wish I had found this solution the first day! The night after I put a section of web up I came home feeling very anxious… it worked!! Over the next few days I spent hours stringing webs of fishing line over the back acre of my property so the ducks could safely free-range. This has been tremendously effective.

On a happy note, over the last few days little Splash has found his place with the Harlequin. They’ve finally accepted him as one of their own and a few times this weekend I saw him “leading the pack” as they waddled across the barnyard, which made me smile for him. All the ducks are enjoying their freedom and with the high heat index I put out several small pools for them to splash in and they seem to be having a rompin’ good time.

The chickens, baby chicks, and baby ducks were unaffected by the hawk. Apparently, this raptor had her mind set on grown duck for dinner so – thankfully – I had no losses in that area. In fact, the baby ducks are growing by leaps and bounds! They’re mostly feathered out and the girls have found their quackers. No little budgie sounds from their play pen anymore…they’re a pretty noisy bunch these days – LOL!

They have 2 litter pan pools and a bigger 36-inch tub to splash around in. They just love the water so much I can’t imagine depriving them of a proper pond! There are two little Khaki Campbell ducklings in this bunch and they had me cracking up this weekend. I sit out there and have a beer with them most evenings after my chores are done and all 13 of them were trying to cram themselves into the 2 litter pans then they would all run over to the bigger tub and jump in there for a while, then back to the pans. They’re just making this huge mess, chasing each other back and forth, flapping their wings and quack-quack-quacking… basically having a ball. I noticed these baby Campbell’s just seemed so extra excited about their little game and one of the girls was dipping her head into the water, splashing it all over, then loudly stamping her feet in the puddle she was making. It was just so funny! She would make this excited little qUAck, then DipSplash, DribbleDribble, then do this little dance… SplatSpatSplat! Made me think of a kid in his little gumboots… too cute!

It was miserably hot this weekend and in the middle of the day the geese would hog up a whole litter pan just sitting in it to cool off. I was jealous that I didn’t have a tub of water to sit in myself! And up until this weekend the Harlequin only thought of me as the crazy lady who stuffed them into a big dog kennel and drove them across town in a hot car. When I was in their line of sight they boogied it on out of the area. But over the last few days we’ve become very good friends. They heard me filling one of the kiddie pools this weekend and ran right over to see what that wonderful noise was. They stood off at a “safe” distance panting in the heat and watching me fill the pool with cold water and while I chatted away they inched closer and closer. I turned the hose sprayer to mist and aimed it at them and they were just in heaven! They came right up to within about a foot of me and the boys aimed their big chests into the spray while the girls tried to catch the bigger drops with their beaks. Now any time I turn on the hose they run over and want to be showered! I guess I’m no longer the crazy lady because now they tend to congregate wherever I’m hanging out in the yard. They probably don't want to miss an opportunity to get a cool dousing!

This last is completely unrelated to ducks: if you enjoy reading about my farm please check out this gals blog. She and I have a lot in common and her posts usually make me laugh which was a much needed antidote for last week!

About Farmrgirl

Small town Calif. farm-girl leaves the ranch behind for many years of adventure at sea, travels the world, then moves to Washington DC in 2007 where she finds the perfect homestead to settle down: acres of secluded Southern Maryland woods where she goes granola by raising her quality of life, Mastiffs, ducks, chickens, and tomatoes {& one Bengal kitty}... sustainably.