Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Things started getting well. Anu forgetting her momentary discomfort went to see Rishi in hospital whose condition was serious. This was one of the rare times of Anu's life when things didn't worsen. Rishi convalesced soon, somehow may be due to the mental backbone ,that was once again provided by Anu for her best friend. Life became normal for them, though Anu often thought of the future and could never reach any conclusion. For Rishi , future hardly mattered at present, cause at present he was not able to live without 'her' presence anyhow, a single day.Life apparently became like before. Though from Anu's side it was never the same. 'Rishu' was 'Rishi' now, 'tere jaisa yara kahaan...' ringtone was removed;which was set for 'Rishu's' calls only.

She had some problem in accepting the fact of her best friend loving her so madly.Rishi's doings and manners reminded her again and again he loves her, but not just as a 'best friend'.Things were going fine, until Rishi wanted to discuss the fact, that its quiet natural for best friends to fall in love,things turned up in different hues all the more because it was a phone conversation and not face to face.

Rishi(R): See, its nothing bad, its universally accepted that best friends turn best partners.(he was talking not for persuading her to accept the proposal, he was talking just to make things clear)

Anu(A): Please ,I don't want to discuss this topic. I don't care what the universe says. Universe says many things. It only matters what I think.It's a sort of betrayal for me.....(Anu's voice started choking).

R: I don't understand what's betrayal over here.....Listen, I thought over this for long time,then only reached the fact that yes I......

A: Oooo, so you had that intention for long......

R: Ahh..as usual you are not getting me. Intentions remain there where girls are targetted..but I never had anything.I liked You in the course of interaction with you... I never started with an intention of approaching you....

A: I donno, You all are same .I hate you people. just get away from my life. If you need me I'll always be there, and if I need you,I am enough selfish to ask for that.. so no use now in staying in this 'oh-so-precious-friendship'. I don't bother about.....

R: I know you don't bother.I know you can live without those things, but I can't. I know if I move away, you won't be having any trouble. You are strong and brave,I am not. I'll not be able to take it...

For moments Anu was blank.She could'nt follow up what's going on...Then she smsed rishi,that didn't reach his mobile as it was switched off.Then she opened up her diary and started writing:

Dear diary,happy new year.
You can never be best friends with your best buddy, after you discover he loves you and you don't have such feelings for him.
And it's worse when you cannot explain to him why you can't be best buddies anymore. But it's a fact, you can't be. You can't be that close to him...you can't discuss things as freely as you used to do earlier.Cause: You start having the basic tendency of avoiding that person as you do to most people who have feelings for you, but you don't have anything for him.
You become conscious while talking,you become more aware whether your words are taken in other ways, whether your attitude, behaviors, words are hurting your 'once' best friend.
You want to gaurd that person from further hurts. But that person takes it otherwise. He understands, you avoid him only for the sake of yourself, for your own peace.
He hardly understands your emotion . That's not his fault . He loves you.But it's really hard to make him understand your cares and feelings, its hard to make him understand you are his
well-wisher from the bottom of your heart.
When you talk about other guys, your marriage and such stuffs, he somewhere gets hurt,immensely hurt, and you can feel it. But he doesn't understand that you do.
Jokes really doesn't help at those times. And its tough to go on like that. You cannot go ahead, you cannot regress. Ahead you can't go as you have someone else in your mind, you can't regress in the fear of hurting him.
I pray none ever falls in this situation. It's not a matter of loosing love, but it's a matter of loosing and hurting your bestest friend. It hurts like hell.

I chose to walk away from many friends in my life. They were all much beloved of mine, much close to my heart. I loved them all in some way or the other(may be not in the way they wished to be loved).
But I ended up hurting them, which I never wanted to do. They were hurt by me, It was hard for me to accept that particular fact. So I wished they were not hurt any more by me. And so when situations are such , where I can't promise myself that
I'll not be hurting them anymore ,I prefer to move away. I feel sudden death is better than blows in installments. And in these cases where it's pretty sure they will be hurt again in future, I don't dare to take the chance of continuing with them.
They may be sad now, but with time grief will be healed and they will be saved from the worse blow.But they never got the way I love them, never......

The pages turned mushy with teardrops and inks, and rashes of paper. She got up, washed her face, and decided not to cry again, cause she was right, and one day others will surely understand that.

But she was worried as the Rishi's phone was stil switched off.
That night in her dreams the mighty knight came to bless her with his sword.