Sunday, September 9, 2012

Belief

Belief isn’t just a word.As frustrating as that game today was at times there was never a moment
when I didn’t believe that the Lions would win it.Okay, perhaps that is a bit of an
overstatement.I mean I definitely
wondered “Wait, could the Lions actually lose this damn thing?” I am a realist
after all.But even though the idea that
they could lose the game entered
freely into my head, set up shop and started drinking heavily with its friends
Fear and Madness, there was never really a time when I thought the Lions would lose that game.That’s what belief, real honest genuine
belief, will do for you.

Even after the Rams kicked the field goal to take the lead
with just under two minutes left, I believed.Actually, to hell with that.Forget about “even after . . .”Especially after the Rams kicked that
field goal, I believed that the Lions would win.My biggest fear was actually that the Rams
would be able to bleed the clock down to nothing and then kick the field
goal.When they were forced to settle
for the field goal with two minutes still left on the clock, I smiled
internally and thought “Good, you just fucked up.Game over, motherfucker.”

That’s because we had Doc Holliday at quarterback and even
though Doc was tubercular and had earlier blown his own toe off after getting
drunk and stumbling on his way to the OK Corral and was seen spitting up blood
for much of the second half, he was still Doc fuckin’ Holliday and when it came
time to draw down on those cowardly Clanton boys . . . well, he’ll be your
Huckleberry.

Goddamn right.I
believed.I believed because he has
earned it, because this team has earned it.I believed because they believe in themselves.You could see it on the face of Jim Schwartz
after the Rams kicked that go ahead field goal.The dude didn’t even flinch.Instead he just had this confident sort of look on his face, like “Okay,
well I guess we’ll just have to do this the hard way,” and then they did.Less than two minutes later Doc Stafford was
running around without a care in the world while the Rams lay on the street,
shot down by the best, and Jeff Fisher hung his head in utter defeat.That’s what belief will do for you.

It wasn’t just in those last two minutes either.You can tell this team has sort of an otherworldly
confidence in itself now.Yesterday on
Twitter Lawrence Jackson was carrying on like a real life character from a Tale
of The Great Willie Young and then all game long Chris Myers couldn’t shut up
about The Power of Calvin, the team’s new mantra, which let’s face it, sounds
like something I’d make up.It’s kind of
surreal, seeing this team and my vision for it meeting in some strange, fucked
up hyper-confident Glory Land where players like St. Calvin are deified not
just by me and the rest of the fans but by his own coaches and teammates.It’s strange and wonderful to know that we’re
all on the same page, that we’re all a little crazy, smiling bloody smiles and
laughing in the face of death all because we share one common thing: belief.

Of course there was plenty of reason for that belief to be
shaken, what with Doc Stafford’s aforementioned Tubercular misadventures with a
traitorous shotgun, but if anything I just felt like what had gone on was just
really fucking weird.I wasn’t so much
worried as I was thinking “well, it’s just one of those things . . .”And it was.It was just one of those things.(How’s that for analysis?)No
matter how much Tim Ryan wanted to talk about Matthew Stafford being off, the
reality is that during the first half he was really, really fucking on.How can I say that about a dude who threw
three interceptions?I don’t know,
except that it’s true.He was both
awesome and horrible in that first half, but it wasn’t like he was especially inconsistent
or anything, missing on throws and all that.It’s just that his three bad throws were really fucking bad.Actually, it’s not even that they were that bad, it’s just that the Rams
played human chess and made the right move a few times.It happens.

Look, I’m having a hard time describing what Matthew
Stafford’s first half looked like because, well . . . like I said, it was just
fucking weird.The dude was a goddamn
master surgeon most of the time, effortlessly dissecting the Rams on the way
down the field and it was glorious to watch.But then the master surgeon kept knicking arteries and, well, you can be
a brilliant surgeon 99% of the time but the moment blood starts spurting in
everyone’s eyes that other 1% of the time all that shit doesn’t really matter.

I’m not worried about Matthew Stafford.I have seen shit like this from him
before.Like I said, it happens.I don’t think it’s any great harbinger of
what’s to come, but rather an isolated bout of weirdness that we can thankfully
put behind us since the Lions managed to actually win the game.If they had lost we could spend time wearing
hairshirts, lamenting the fall of mankind and whipping each other with chains
made of Fear and Regret, but they didn’t and so fuck it, who cares?It is what it is.

Stafford actually looked a lot shakier in the second half,
which I attribute directly to those three first half interceptions.He was overthrowing everyone – a result, I
think, of not wanting to get picked again – and when he wasn’t, his receivers
were dropping everything.It sucked but,
again, I don’t think it’s indicative of anything other than him being a little
fucked in the head from the first half.But by the end of the game, all that shit was just so much noise, the
whisper of some terrible memory, Stafford pulled his shit together and blew
those fuckers away.The end.

Really, that’s what I’m taking away from this game.No matter how ridiculous or weird things got –
I mean, come on, the Lions trailed at the half even though they didn’t have to
punt until the third quarter – I still believed and so did all the Lions
players and coaches.And no matter how
shitty things got, no matter how much Stafford’s head was fucked with and
nuked, in the end he was able to overcome all of that and win the damn
game.Did it suck?Yeah, I groaned and swore at the TV and
beseeched the old gods just like everyone else, but when you can suck and still
win the game, well . . . things are looking pretty good.

But again, it wasn’t even like the Lions looked inept or
anything.On a down to down basis they
looked like a fucking machine.Stafford
was able to move the ball pretty much at will for large chunks of the game and
Kevin Smith even ran the ball effectively.Meanwhile, the defense kicked ass for most of the game and beat the hell
out of Sam Bradford while holding Steven Jackson almost completely in
check.There were just those few crucial
and damn near catastrophic mistakes, and they almost cost us.But I’ll say it again, in the end the Lions
still won the game, so . . . who really cares?I don’t think they’re mistakes that are likely to reoccur – at least not
with the same frequency or freakishly back to back to back like they did – so in
the end, I think they’re just a weird anomaly and I refuse to let them taint
this simple and irrefutable truth: the Lions won.

Really, nothing else matters.The Lions won and they won because they
believed.They believe and I believe and
The Power of Calvin is a burgeoning religion.This game didn’t fuck with my head the way you probably think it did,
and that’s a testament to that belief, to the tenets of that religion which
have given my life structure and meaning, or at least peace on Sundays.You can complain all you want about what went
wrong but really, I think even the complaints and general bitchery surrounding
this game are a sign of our collective belief.We no longer fear losing to the Rams – sure, it almost happened but deep
down I think most of us kept our faith – but we’re still fans, prone to misery
and so in the absence of that fear we have come to desire perfection.It’s not enough that the team wins, they have
to be perfect.Matthew Stafford doesn’t
just have to throw the game winning touchdown pass, he needs to throw five of
them and then levitate before impregnating every woman in the crowd using only
the power of his mind.This is a sign of
how far we’ve come.

Matthew Stafford will be fine.For fuck’s sake, the dude is only 24 years old
and last year he threw for 5,000 yards.Anyone
seriously bitching about him or wringing their hands in agony is just making
love to their own misery, their own masochistic need to dwell in the fires of
hell because it’s easier than believing in the cool waters of heaven.Matthew Stafford will be fine.Repeat that to yourself, say The Power of
Calvin three times in a row, huff from your ether rag (I’m assuming you all
have one, especially if you’re reading this.) and then tweak your nipples as
the Good News overwhelms you in both body and spirit.

The Lions won, the Lions won, the Lions won.And I never stopped believing.And that’s the only story of this game that
really matters.

I was frustrated with that Stafford impersonator throwin' the ball around in the 1st half. Happy that the defense kept would could have gotten ugly in check for the offense. Happy for a semblance of a run game.

My only concern as U eluded to was time left. Once I saw 2 minutes left....I knew St. Louis and Fisher with all his strategies to win the game....signed their death warrant.

I still fear there is some ungodly behind the scenes bullshit where Lord Goodell is going to examplify the Lions at some point. Next week's primetime main event bout against the 49ers should be telling as to how the "engineered" aspects of things will benefit or not benefit the Lions.

Yeah, it's coming at some point but what the hell, you know? Perhaps today's penalty free day (for the most part anyway) is a harbinger of things to come as the Sheriff turns his fickle guns on another target. Probably not but we will cross that horrible bridge when we come to it and then we will set it on fire because that is what we do.

Stafford gets his mistakes out the way and plays properly next week, right you guys?

Fuck I hate the stupid 49ers. I really want to beat them, or if it has to go the other way, lose properly, not due to stupid shit and shenanigans.

But on this week, it never felt like a loss. I wasn't able to watch the game but it just felt like the ability to tell a team like the Rams to fuck themselves has finally been instilled. I'd rather it was done repeatedly and often, but right now I'd take a shitty win over the Rams and a tough win over those asshole 49ers to start things off.

I can't believe Stafford is the kind of Mark Sanchez-esque mental midget to shrink inside himself after a bad game, so I'm expecting him to wreck shit.

I like to imagine that Stafford spent the hours before the game doing shots from in between some girl's tits and then at some point in the 4th quarter, Ken Stabler came to him in a vision and was all "C'mon now, I know y'all had some fun but goddammit boy, it's time to finish these cocksuckers off. By the way, you're still down for a pony keg for the beach party next Thursday, right? I told that one broad, what was her name... oh right, Brenda, that you'd be there and I gotta tell ya man, that's a sure fuckin' thing right there. Just get her in the hot tub and let the magic happen, Baby Snake. Also, I've got this weird itchin' in my balls so keep that in mind before you hit the hot tub. I'm gonna have the water turned up nice and hot so I'm hopin' that will kill off any weird sex germs that are floatin' around in there but goddammit son, you just never know and what sort of father figure would I be if I just up and let you catch some mutant VD? Ah, fuck it, maybe you should just wear a rubber the whole time. I know, I know, that shit don't feel right and you know how I feel about latex that ain't wrapped around a pair of titties and a fat ass but goddammit boy you would not believe this itchin'. Shit, man, I gotta go, Brenda just showed up shitfaced drunk and, hell, you don't mind if I take a run at her, do ya? Anyway, see you Thursday, son, now finish the fuckin' Rams off. Don't disappoint me now." Something like that.

ARMCHAIR LINEBACKER!

Football. No matter what anyone says, this is the true national pastime, and because of that far too many of us have been swallowed up by the monster storm called fandom, spiraling further and further into the abyss until finally, all we can do is holler back, screaming into the void hoping that someone, somewhere might hear our fool words.That is what this blog is all about, giving a voice to those who need to just get it all out because their own team has clubbed them over the head one too many times. We are all idiots, utterly without dignity or decency, but we are fans and we believe despite ourselves that somehow this football thing will someday be worth all that idiocy and pain.If you think you have something to say about your team, or if you just want to say hello or hell, even if you just want to yell at us, hit Raven Mack up at ravenmack at gmail.com or Neil up at neilabfree at gmail.com and before you know it, you too may be gibbering like a lunatic for the world to see. Come, join us, and we will gnaw on the bones of the wicked and the foolish together. Football. What can we say? We love it.

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