we will tessellate

Month: August 2018

I’m not sure when this will actually get posted. At the moment it is Tuesday night and I’m tired (as usual). Mum has managed to make it without a trip to the hospital. Although, I’m still living on the edge of a 911 call. People tell me she needs to drink more water, but that doesn’t always help. She’s not eating much. Lately, most of her dinners get tossed out or put in the fridge for later. Then, she tells me she needs more protein to help keep her weight up. (Which is crazy when what she does have goes in the fridge or to the dog or somewhere else!)

But, I did have a fairly interesting afternoon, myself. I was able to visit both the doctor and the dentist and am glad I’ve learned to look at things from a different point of view! However, before I left the house, I found some interesting thoughts surrounding a topic I’ve been thinking about. They were about letting go and I’ll blog about my finds later!

I got to town and visited the clinic. J is a nice lady who isn’t an endocrinologist, but I like her. I had a list of about 8 questions. Before I saw her, I was weighed and found out I am EXACTLY the same weight as before. Barely over 170 pounds. So, not eating anything from about 11 pm til noon is not doing much at all for weight loss. I’ve been skipping breakfast for almost a month and don’t eat a whole lot during the day. I’m not hungry. (once or twice, I’ve had something for breakfast, but not often and at 1030 pm I often have about 20 carbs with protein to carry me overnight without spikes in the glucose called The Dawn Phenomenon—I am so glad spell check got that. I had no idea how those letters were arranged!!) J, when I told her about my loss of breast bulk, smiled a bit and said that happens when women age. (I was crushed!) She said the only thing I could do would be implants and she didn’t recommend them to anyone. (Although, she did say it would make them stick out again!) She didn’t think lactation would help much, either. When I mentioned no one would ever want to look at them anymore, she laughed a bit and said, ‘I seriously doubt that’ and implied the opposite sex didn’t often mind when confronted with a bare breast. (I laughed, too. But, I’m not even 55 and ready to be in that mature older woman category—another thing to let go of!) She did tell me I need to try to get some exercise, maybe update my bed, and try to get my sleep patterns under control for the other problems I mentioned. (She also said it might not be easy to do the latter, cuz of living with mom.) For the weeping eye I’ve had for more than a year, she suggested I see an ophthalmologist. She then decided she wanted blood and I was resigned.(Taking blood and telling me my breasts were girls of the past—ok, she didn’t say it that way, but still!—was a bit much for one office visit.) Thankfully, the tech suggested I needed to be fasting for that particular test and we put it off! (HOOORAY!!)

Then, I went to the library. OMG! There were three books I wanted. Our library had the first one on the shelf, the middle one I ended up getting reserved from Juneau, and the last one was owned by our library, but checked out. So, I got 4 different books and will finish one quickly so I can return it and make sure of the others when they arrive. (I really need an Alaskan ID!) UPDATE: It appears those two books are here, so will take the three I got and return them to get the others. PIFFLE!

The only ophthalmologist in town is mom’s eye doctor and the earliest new patient visit he has is the end of November. The 29th. I sincerely hope I am in Oregon at that time. I would love to be able to cook Thanksgiving dinner again. And the way my eyesight is, I don’t want to drive in another Alaskan winter without new glasses.

At the dentist I was amused, intrigued, and almost cried. There was a DIY show on their waiting room TV. It was about tiny houses and the one being built was made of pallet boards with glass balls stuck in the boards, driftwood, and had a small garden on the roof. It was in Hawaii, but I really wondered about insulation and how those two little kids helping dad would enjoy being teens of opposite sex in the loft of the home. I was called in for x-rays and instead of the cool Star Trek gun thing, this time, they had me stand in the center of a contraption and it spun around me! (oddly, I needed to remove my earrings and also my glasses. I was asked if I needed the latter. I must admit, I did reply I just wore them for fun before amending my comment to yes.) When I saw the results of the x-rays, I almost cried. I went from barely one cavity to several bad ones in a short time. I know exactly what happened and I will take care of what I have left. (there really aren’t that many teeth, this rendition is two different perspectives of them. The capped tooth is the one with the ‘black’ line. The red colored bits are the damaged areas. Not cool.)

I am going to print out this photo and glue it to a sheet that has the cost for the ‘capped tooth’ and the estimates for the other problems. (My next visit is at the end of September and it will be about the same price as the new tires on mom’s car, but he wants to crown it so it won’t need a root canal. This also may be why that area still hurts.) The tooth to be worked on is right next to the one that was capped. These cavities are from a couple of things. The first is, of course, the stress around here. (Stress is bad for lots of things!) The second is because I eat sugary foods (glucose tablets and ice cream and Kit Kats) and do not brush or thoroughly rinse immediately after. One of the interesting things the dental hygienist found was that behind one of my top teeth is a dent. My lower tooth hits on a top tooth and it created a ridge! She said it probably feels funny and she is right, it always has!

Anyway, I got home and mom was moderately ok. She wanted a shake and I got a salad. After I ate, I went out on the lake, wrote to my friend SE Isaac, and floated around in the sunshine. I did NOT want to come back to the shore. When I did, I found mom hadn’t eaten all her dinner and decided I’d do something about the mice in the shop. I looked for the traps I’d purchased and could only find two. One new one and one un sprung surrounded by droppings! (I need to go out and look for the rest of the traps. Dadburn mouses!)

All in all, it has been a rather topsy turvy Tuesday!

UPDATE: Mum has a swollen leg and will need a Venus delta (which is NOT some sexy gal on a piece of verdant river ground—I probably spelled it wrong, too!) ultrasound. She had labs done today (Thursday) to see if she needs hydration, but since there is a holiday Monday, we won’t know anything til Tuesday. Not sure when the ultrasound will be either. The plan is to keep her comfortable and do as much or as little as she desires. I’m going shopping later. Mittens has very little dry chow left and I am putting photos and postcards on my wall. It actually looks really nice. I reckon I should have started personalizing my room 2 or more years ago! So, I am getting a few more photos printed out and purchasing thumbtacks (they are easier to use than quilting pins). When I get back, I plan on lurking online for a while. It is sunny out, but super breezy today!!!! I’d have the neighbor’s mow, but they just left for moose hunting.

“Of course, maybe I’d end up like one of those crazy old people with, like, sixty cats. And one day, the neighbors would complain about the smell, and it would turn out I’d died and the cats had eaten me.

Still, it might be nice to have a cat.” Alex Flinn

Last week I received a gift from an author. Not words (she did send book swag, see photo!), but a purrfectly chosen package of meow-valous fun. SE Isaac and I have followed each other for a while now. I’ve purchased some of her books and we’ve sent postcards and different purrcels back and forth. This one, however, takes the catnip. I’ve texted the photo below to several people and shared it in person. Responses have been absolutely pawslapping.

In one of the postcard thankyous I sent south, I mentioned I cannot wait to get an injury so I can use the awesome band aids. They will be a great addition to a first aid ‘kit’! (I may put the mouse tattoo in a letter) I have scribbled out the ‘to’ on a gift tag stickers and added them to envelopes. I was surprised the mints weren’t catmint flavored, but they are tasty! To get real mail is such a lift, it brings one’s felines up 100%!

I reckon my purrsonailty might be similar to a Crazy Cat Lady, but I’m only around Mom’s in AK and haven’t seen the two in Oregon in ages. I do know one of my favorite colors is purrple (which is the color of the swag bag I was sent!). Purrhaps, being crazy about cats starts with a whisker and hairballs from there? Or was it something I’ve carried over from a different life? The whole idea is furry interesting.

As I paws and reflect on those I’ve met online, I am beyond thankful fur the love. I especially appurr-ciate my purrticular purrky pen pal, S! (She’s even edited and added to an erotic romance called ‘A Guide to Claiming a Scaredy Cat’, so maybe her pawsition is also one of a Crazy Cat Lady!)

Not much, physically, has happened in mom’s basement this last week. (OK, that sounds awkward!!!) Outside we’ve had quite a bit of rain. Not a heavy cats and dogs rain, it has been more of intermittent downpours and drizzles of assorted litters of their offspring. It is hard to walk in the drive without stepping in a poodle. (I’ve been playing in puns, it hasn’t worn off yet!)

I did have a spot of bother with a bra I purchased. It is an extra-large, not because of what was IN the bra, but what it was around. The large was way too tight, so I purchased this one. It fit ok and I wore it for more than an hour before finally getting rid of it. Those contraptions are absolutely ridiculous in their lack of comfort. Plus, if they don’t have straps, I can’t keep them in place anyway. Pulling up bra straps is tacky, pulling up the bra is tackier! (Earlier, I mentioned a set I spent quite a bit of cash on and it is comfortable, I just don’t wear it for everyday because it was so expensive!)

During a nice day, I cleaned up most of the tree which blew over. As I carted off the top branches, I felt quite a bit like I should have been in a production of Macbeth. Below you see me hiding in Birnam Wood. However, I was in a tank top and not armor with swords. Although, I did use a bow saw and leather gloves…….When I got to the rotting trunk, the tools I was using just couldn’t cut it. I’m going to need the assistance of stronger people with better blades.

Mom’s been puny since the outings we went on during the week of August 16. I have the car loaded and ready to transport either her or myself, depending on the outcome. Oddly, on Saturday night, she asked me to take her in. (Granted, by the time I had things sorted, she said she was better.) Mum’s not hungry. I try to find things to tempt her appetite and it isn’t easy. I was looking for whey powder to add to her shakes or yogurt to help her bulk up a bit, but I can’t find it plain! (When I lived on the Oregon Coast, I’d buy it from the local creamery. It made bread so much softer! By the by, cheese curds are the BEST snack, they are also known as squeaky cheese.) I will call a place tomorrow and see if they have some. The powdered peanut butter is not a favorite thing at all. However, mom’s managing to eat some things. It appears processed meat meals are less stressful to digest along with those shakes and yogurt and instant oatmeal. I’m going to buy some chicken thighs tomorrow and see if those are acceptable. She finally finished the library book I loaned her more than three weeks ago and found another mouse in the seed in the shop. She’s also mussed up her meds quite a bit. Thinking she’s not taken something when she has. Makes me a bit nervous.

I’m excited to visit the library this week. I can get 4 books this time! (Probably the Cornwell author) I also have a doctor appointment on Tuesday (with a list of questions for her) and, later in that afternoon, I see the dentist for a tooth cleaning. They said it will be free and after the amount I dropped for the root canal and tooth, it better be! In between times, I’m reading a fascinating odd erotic philosophical book by an author named Christopher of Detroit. A quote from his ‘Erotic Tales of Bucephalus’ “..humanity-a reservoir for double standards housed in an ocean of restraint.” (it was free on Amazon)

I’ve been learning a great deal this last week about stepping back from drama, who I am in the midst of mom’s world, and where I fit into my own niche. This has also been exciting and I can’t wait to see where I grow next!

I’ll leave you with a screenshot of the combination of social media and advertising. (it made me laugh--)

“One can imagine that if humanity suddenly disappeared from the planet, the cat would shrug its shoulders, raise its tail, and return to its forest habitat, there to live as its ancestors have done for two million years, forever in search of something small, furry, and squeaky to play with.” Eric Chaline

Moses is a cat who likes to play. He has a distinct liking for anything catnip flavored and enjoys the organic stuff brought down from the Mountain Ranch. Moses absolutely loves chasing the laser light. He is the one who brings in rodents of various sizes in the night (not to be confused with the ROUSES—Prince Bride!) and will either dispatch them in the bedroom or play with them til someone rises to do the dispatching for him! Little Bear has brought home many a toy for the cats. Moses has played with them all. But, my favorite story about Moses and playing was when he was a teenager cat.

We lived on the Oregon Coast out in the middle of nowhere (literally). The cats were inside outside cats, I think only two of the cats we owned ever made it to an inside only cats. We had some eccentric and unusual neighbors up in that area. Moses fit right in. One of the neighbors lived in a small camper trailer with chickens. Yes, you read that right. She kept chickens of all ages in her camper trailer. She’d let them out during the day and they’d run around free ranging til evening. Then, she went outside to collect them, scampering around, and calling them by name. There were a LOT of chickens.

Moses was fascinated with these creatures. We had a couple of ducks, but they were not allowed to waddle free all the time. He caught hummingbirds (his big paws are like softball mitts!) and sparrows and I think it was someone else who killed the Evening Grosbeak (that was horrible. The male sat on the porch and called for days seeking his lost mate!). The camper trailer wasn’t far from our house and Moses would wander over, leap to the top of a 3 foot tall HUGE stump, and watch. The neighbor lady thought it was so cute when he’d jump down and play tag with her chickens. We were just incredibly thankful Moses never caught one! We were never quite sure what he’d do if he did.

My sister raises chickens and her cat killed and ate one of her poults just a few weeks ago, so it is possible! I’m pretty sure that cat wasn’t playing, though.

What an incredible couple of days. Or however many it has been since my last post. Mom’s internet was down. I think the problem is where the cable was nicked awhile back with a chainsaw, mended, and left alone under the layers of leaf and plant litter. (But, I can’t be sure and I’m the only one who uses the internet and since mom’s TV isn’t being bothered, it is what it is!) I took this photo just before it commenced raining for several days— it was the night I watched meteors.

Mom’s been feeling great until Tuesday. Of course, I was gone quite a bit of that day. She went out to vote and didn’t dress up like she usually does to leave the house. She did put in her teeth. Many people saw her and were surprised. I did learn of something I had forgotten about. Whey powder. I used to use that in cooking all the time, it adds protein and doesn’t really have a taste. I am going to get some and have mum try adding it to her yogurt and ice cream and mashed taters. (I might do the same thing!) If she bulks back up, her stats continue to remain good, and she gets accepted into the Senior Center. Maybe I can leave! (I’m going to ask to add her to the waiting list again. Everyone tells me how well she’s doing. Perhaps I need to believe it.)

She did manage to burn oatmeal in the microwave this week. I was impressed, I had no idea you could burn instant oatmeal. (I shouldn’t have been surprised. I had a boyfriend who burned chocolate chips!). She also made dinner the other night, and I didn’t like it. I ate it, but it wasn’t very good. She cooked steak. It was cooked properly, but she put some crazy ass marinade stuff on it she had around. I don’t know how long it was in the cupboard, but it was nasty! (granted, I don’t like sauces or coverings. I’m a plain Jane eater! So, that might have been the problem.) Mom didn’t eat hers, it was too hard for her. I am glad she cooked it, so I didn’t need to made guilty.

I did go and drop off the car for new brakes. I was sort of annoyed. I had a friend ined up to do it, but told him it would be in the later afternoon as I had an appointment at 2. He said he’d do it, since he wanted to go out north anyway. But, he didn’t want things to be too complicated. I said I’d text when I was done. At 210 he texted me to ask if I was ready. I told him I was at the appointment and about 220, he said he was going to leave to do his errand. I’m glad he did, it would have been a bit of a hassle for him to take me. I needed to go partially out north and back to town. It would have made it an extra trip for him. I just asked someone else. Thankfully, she was able to come to my rescue!

He was also creeped out by my appointment. I went to the mortuary and got mom’s cremation partially paid for. It was really a good idea. I feel better and they told me exactly what to do if she dies outside of a hospital. Who to call and gave me the number and it was so restful to know this is what they do and I don’t need to! They were also glad to get the information on her pain pump. They really don’t like those sorts of surprises. I haven’t told mom I did it, but that is ok. She is pretty sure she’s going to be around for many more years. I was also glad that if mom does go to the states (what Alaskans call the rest of the US), the money here can be transferred.

I also stopped by the house I have elfed at. It is lovely, organised, and tidy. Truly a lady is much better at housekeeping than an elf. I tiptoed inside, picked up my things, and quietly left. (Ok, I did peek around a bit. Not much, but you can definitely tell a woman’s touch has made a beautiful mark.) The place looked too empty, though. I hope my friend gets well fast and back to his nest with his lady bird!

On the health front, The Craftsman does not need knee surgery. His knee was swollen and after tests, they determined it was ok. Except for fluid. They gave him a shot inside the knee (he said I wouldn’t have liked the needle they used) and he feels a lot better and somehow the fluid is gone. Unfortunately, he forgot to ask why it happened and how to stop it from happening again. His mom, however, will need knee surgery and she has taken care of everything all by herself. Which totally blew us away. We had to coerce her to take Grandpa (we called him that, he was not a young man) to the doctor after serious injuries. (there was one night we went to the house because an ambulance EMT suggested we should. Grandpa was on the floor, leaning on the woodstove with blood all around him and bandaged up. They were watching TV.) So, it was nice to know she’d planned on the surgery and her rehabilitation later would be about 3 weeks in a nursing rehab facility. (I am wondering if knowing how my mum is has been helping her realise how NOT to act!) This means, I can stay here with mom til something happens so I can leave. Vague much?? (TnT’s sore knee is starting to finally get better, too. Knees are important!!!)

I also went shopping today. I purchased some bleach spray cleaner stuff and the darn thing leaked! I was so glad the bag it was in didn’t have a hole in it. I’d have been seriously put out if the rental ended up with bleach stains on the seats! I used it in my bath and the house now smells like a swimming pool. Much nicer than sewer! But, I’d rather have the swimming pool. I’ve discovered that I’ve lost weight. However, it is all from my face and chest and has settled into my belly and hips and butt. While shopping I bought a pair of capris in what I thought was my size and when I tried them on, there was a definite camel toe. Not cool, Kris, Not cool! I haven’t weighed myself, I hope I’m at least 170. But, I’m not betting on it. Fasting for 12 hours needs to be paired with not eating anything but glucose tablets and glucerna and protein. I’m not really hungry anyway.

I did get the best bit of mail I’ve gotten in ages this week. But, you’ll have to wait til next Wednesday to find out about it! SE Isaac is the cat’s meow. And that is my only hint!

‘Change doesn’t necessarily mean improvement, Althalus. Change is just change. Better and worse are human definitions. The world changes all the time, and no amount of complaining’s going to stop it from changing.’ **From a book I’m reading, ‘The Redemption of Althalus’ by D and L Eddings.

Everywhere we are surrounded by change, as the above authors shared. Not liking it isn’t going to keep it away. As a thinking being, I can usually affect changes. Unfortunately, not always. As a thinking being I can respond and adapt myself to those changes in a positive manner. This is a lot harder than it sounds. Especially for me. I am sort of feline in nature, I like comfort. At the moment, not a whole lot around me is comfortable.

I have friends I have cared for deeply in the hospital and I cannot respond to them like I’d want. I have friends moving thousands of miles away and I will miss them. I’ve had friends move hundreds of miles away and that loss is felt. Others I know are ill or hurting and I can’t help them as I’d wish. The Craftsman may need knee surgery soon and I’m not there. My hands are tied to what I want to do, so I need to look at those instances in a different way. I’m not being left alone, I’m thankful I was able to be with those dear people when I could. I can send my energy to those who need it and be blessed by the moments I share and have shared with them.

This last week we had a tree fall. It was a tree that looked good on the outside, for the most part. Leaves and places for the woodpeckers to hang out. I’ve taken quite a few photos of it. However, the last big wind brought it crashing to the ground (quite close to mom’s car, I might add! I’m fortunate I had left the house earlier and parked it a few feet from where I normally do!). The neighbors came over to look at it and said they’d be back eventually with tools. While there, we noticed it was actually rotten. I asked why the beetle killed trees were still standing and this one came down (the dad is a head guy in a power company and deals with trees often). I was told that birch absorbs water and rots faster than the spruce. Those are harder and even when they are dead, the snags are firm even if they sway and bend in the wind. I used to think mom was like the birch (or the spruce that did fall last summer that had the same problem as this birch). She looked great on the outside and was dying inside. But, maybe mom is like the spruce, the tree that is dead and is still standing? Or maybe it doesn’t matter and she’s not like anything but herself.

I may be blasted for this, but I’m tired of taking care of mom. She manages a bit here and there, her stats continue to remain stable, she isn’t sleeping quite as much since she started the Ritalin drug, and she is speaking about me unkindly, so she’s back to her ordinary self. Yet, she’s not able to do the things she plans, she takes a long time to read when she used to read fast, she forgets things and insists it is because everyone has brain cells that are dying and not because she’s killed them with her high glucose levels (507 on Friday morning), and she is losing more weight, is often cold, and whimpers as she does the little things she does and refuses help when I offer. I do almost all of her errands, because she can’t (she said she could if I’d let her, and then when I ask if she wants to, she says no.), and sneak moments, when I can, for something else. (Friday about lunch time, I met a friend at the post and we drove for about 15 min in his new to him car. He also reminded me my laugh is too many decibels and bad for people’s hearing. I smiled, but it was the first time I’ve actually laughed out loud for real in ages. I’m glad it was brief-)

Mom is fortunate she’s so healthy and I suppose I am, too. (yikes! I just realized I had cut up some nausea pills and put them in the container I’d marked ‘half pain pills’. The company was changed so the pills are a different shape. I got them sorted properly, but mom took a half of a nausea pill thinking it was a half of a pain pill. I’m pretty sure she’ll be ok, the meds don’t seem to bother her and she’ll do all sorts of things under their influence. I’d sleep!) One of my high school teachers died recently of cancer, Aretha Franklin died of pancreatic cancer (she was born the day before mum!!!), and mom is doing quite well.

We got her to the beach on Thursday, I found some stellar shells (that is rare on this beach!) and rocks, and the tree that fell has a parasite mushroom that is pretty awesome (Chaga). Fall is in the air and I can sense winter on the horizon, not quite yet, but soon. I impulse shopped this week and bought a book and some gorgeous lace underthings (the lace was spendy!). The refund I got from the canceled plane ticket expires in 3 months and I guess I’ll just let it go. Though the phone company raised mom’s bill, it was because they somehow forgot to charge her properly when I combined her landline with the cell phone over a year ago. It is now almost $50 instead of $18, but it makes sense. (they aren’t charging for the months they gave us ‘free’) I received a text as a wakeup call that was uncomfortable and positive fun emails and messages from others later. The card machine at the gas station didn’t like my card, thankfully, they weren’t busy when I went inside. I had a bazillion carbs of ice cream today, but I’ve not eaten much else and my glucose is good (besides, I’m not hungry). And one of my friends from overseas sent me a postcard from Prague!

The oddest thing? A couple of days ago I got an obscure phone call from someone who cheerfully greeted me in a foreign language. They were surprised I answered and hung up. Later, I got two texts in a non-English language (turns out it was Korean. I should have recognized it. I know what it looks like!). Then, I got another phone call from a young man who was surprised I didn’t speak Korean and wasn’t who he hoped. So, even when few people call or contact me (except for mom stuff), I do get interesting experiences!

I’ll leave you with a song from the Queen of Soul: Think from the Blues Brothers.

“If it’s about the strength, every big animal can catch any mouse… but the skillful brand of the cat makes it’s catch exceptional! Go, get the skills!” Israelmore Ayivor

This is another (I think) prompt by Ray. I was scrolling thru my emails and I saw something which may have been hers. It was to choose three things in a cupboard and write about them. Well, I remembered a post I put on my family blog eons ago about a mouse and Moses. In my cupboards. No matter where it came from, it was a perfect Cat Nips thought! So, here is a story about what was in my cupboard one fall evening.

I was in my kitchen and opened a drawer I had recently put clean dishcloths in. I noticed some candy nibbled to bits on top of those folded tidy towels. Angry, I emptied the drawer and shook the towels outside before dropping them in the wash. Moses, because I was in the cupboards and the food dish was also behind a door, was brought in the room. (Moses is rather fond of his dinner, but he is also fond of mice!) After a bit of kibble, he became interested in what else might be inside the cupboards.

I opened doors, emptied the drawers and shelves, basically turning my kitchen floor into a mine field of different sorts of containers. I was thankful much of the lower cupboard things were inside sealed tins and plastic. I didn’t need to throw out as much as I’d need to clean. (Sanitized wipes are very useful!)

We could see where the mouse had been running around. Behind the cupboards, in this house built in 1910, was a support for the new pretty cupboards. (These were put in before we purchased the house) They were attached to the wall of the original house, no sheetrock or anything. Just old walls with spotted wall paper and new cupboards. This small support board was perfect for a little mouse to dash along on, like an itty bitty high road. (I’d really like to know how those creatures who are FAT can move quickly and confidently in thin spaces.)

Eventually, the cowering wee beastie was found. It had dropped into one of my empty canning jars in the last cupboard and couldn’t get out. I’d like to say it was released, but we destroyed it. Because I didn’t want it to return and there is a proverb about where you find one mouse, many more are unseen. Moses was a bit put out he didn’t catch it himself, but I didn’t care. I was glad it wasn’t using my towels for picnics! Little Bear decided it was getting boring after I got my kitchen tidy again, so he hid one of the cat toys for me to find. Kids! (I did look at my family blog and noticed at the end of the paragraphs, I had noted that three mice were caught that night!)

I know one of the best days to look for meteors was on Saturday. Podman texted me and said it was time for his annual meteor shower and asked if my soap recommendation was Comet. It laughed, which was lovely since that was the day I was with mom in the ER. (I dressed warmly and it was FREEZING in that little room) It has also been raining and so the shower has been wetter than usual……

My meteor night was on Thursday night. I didn’t see very many, but I actually can’t see well anyway! (I need my glasses updated, if I can keep my glucoses in the proper range for a whole month!) I may have missed dozens while gazing into the distant sky. But, it was lovely anyway!

I knew it was going to be chilly, so I dug out some of my wintery wear. I pulled out my polar fleece jacket and my fleece lined wrap around skirt and grabbed a light polar fleece blanket. I even wore two pairs of socks inside my barn boots! (mud boots)

The last time I watched stars, I was out in the kayak. I knew I’d never be able to get in and out in the cold and the dark safely, so I perched myself on the pallets. (I was very glad I had cleaned off all the feathers from the plucking a while back!) This was a much better choice than the kayak. I could actually be flat and not srunch up my neck staring skywards! (Kayaks are not meant to recline in.) Once down, I sat back up to spray the wood with skeeter dope, situated my blanket, and put up the hood on my sweatshirt. Finally ready, I lay back and relaxed. Even with my poor eyesight, it was amazing!!! To my right, just over my shoulder, was the Big Dipper seen thru the lake grasses. Right above me were star clusters I have forgotten the names of. On the left, the sky was still faint with light, it illuminated a tiny white moth in the grasses near me. I watched a plane fly from one end of the Dipper to the other. I saw a satellite and a followed the bright lights of a jet as it moved across the sky. Eventually, the sound came thru.

Loons must never sleep. There were lone cries, stressed out cries, and then plaintive mournful ones echoing from other lakes again. I heard way too many dogs barking for much too long. Finally, they quieted and the frogs started their songs. Man intruded once more with trucks and equipment, but it was far away and relatively peaceful.

I did see three meteors blazing in par second glory. I wanted to stay out til I counted five. Unfortunately, my toenails started to chatter and I opted to let the rest shoot across the night unwatched. (star gazing in Oregon is definitely much warmer. I used to go with Little Bear til he got a full time job. Now, I go alone.) I did stop for a moment to sit on the bricks bench at the top of the hill. Looking up, I smiled at the stars perched on the trees like Christmas candles. Trees that would burn in a second if they caught fire because they are dead and dried out. But, in the dark, you can’t tell which ones are brown with beetle kill and which ones are still strong. Everything is the same in the dark.

I do love the night. There are many shades it hides and reveals. I thought about dear friends, far and near, and remembered a movie. A movie Strider used to watch all the time and a song that fits perfectly. Somewhere out There from An American Tail.

This last week I felt like I was the worst daughter in the world. Here I am, putting my marriage on hold, being here for another fall season, living in mom’s basement, thinking I’m taking care of my mom and I didn’t hear her.

Fireweed is almost to the top. Summer is coming to an end.

On Friday she went to a memorial service (it was an absolute crush! I had a hard time finding her!) and towards the end I went in to look for her. I ended up standing near one of the lovely nurses who knows mom fairly well. I told her how I felt terrible because I just want this to be over. I told her how mom’s pain pump remote stopped working (we don’t have the new one, but thankfully, whatever the doctor did on Wednesday, it appears to be ok again) and mom’s been popping pain meds more often. (Thankfully, they don’t bother her. I’d be out on half of one of her pills!) Mel told me it was ok. She told me many caregivers end up feeling the same way I do. That peace is something only imagined and desperately desired. I was so thankful to hear that. I reckon I’m normal! (in some way!) I finally found mom in the mix. She loaded up a plate to take home and we left. (My glucose was a bit low, but I had some chocolate and a couple of glucose tablets) It took mom a long time to eat dinner. I left her alone, intermittently. She didn’t feel good. But, she hasn’t in quite a while.

I woke her when I usually do and gave her the meds she wanted. Then, I went back to bed. I was really tired and eventually got up in the middle of the morning. I hadn’t heard her, but that isn’t anything new, either. Well, she was sick again. Very ill. I cleaned up the bathroom and told her I wanted to call the ambulance. She said she didn’t need one. She also told me she had called me after she got sick, but I didn’t hear her. (turns out, the monitor in her room was against some stuff. No wonder I couldn’t hear anything from upstairs!) I didn’t like how she looked, but mom is the boss of herself. She had gick on her top and I convinced her to change and empty her waste bag. Well, before she did that, she got sick again. I wiped her face and nose and said I was going to call. She said it would be ok. In a little while.

Finally, I did and we got mom sorted and in the ambulance. At one time there were 4 EMTs inside and I was reminded of one of Little Bear’s favorite books. ‘How many trucks can a tow truck tow if a tow truck tows tow trucks?’ I wondered just how many EMTs does one lady need???? We were at the hospital before noon and they needed to find a vein for an IV. The very handsome nurse used ultrasound. (I also discovered it is absolutely easy for me to watch a needle in a black and white ultrasound look for veins. I didn’t get queasy once!!!!) They gave her some nausea meds directly with fluids and by dinner she was ready to come home.

We did stop at Arby’s and she still has most of her shake and half of her sandwich to finish, but it is only Sunday night. Mom has decided she is going to eat smaller meals more often. Whatever she wants to do she’ll do. I am betting we’ll end up needing to go in every couple of weeks for fluids. She gets so dehydrated when she gets sick. I think that tumor in her abdomen has got to the reason she has nausea and indigestion. With only one intestine and the tumor sitting right on top of it and growing, but I’m just the bystander. I don’t really know much of what is going on. I know mom has great vitals. I know mom is always the best patient (note: there were some VERY strange ones in the hospital on Saturday!) and everyone loves her. I know she’s very strong. I know she believes she is capable of caring for herself all the time. I know she is not going to let go of life gracefully. Although, she did say she was glad I was here this week. So, there is that.

It is so funny to talk to The Craftsman. My world here is so alien to his, he has no idea what I’m going through. He just wants me to come back so life can be like it was. I don’t think it will be. I discovered I’d forgotten to tell him about mom’s pain pump remote, but we talked on Tuesday and Friday. The pain pump thing was on Wednesday. Texts are shorter and usually focus on saying good night.

I did chat to Strider for quite a while and he told me about a new recipe he was going to try. It was a pizza made with a minced chicken Parmesan crust. I’m looking forward to his review! So far, the author he recommended was very good. We’ll see how his pizza pans out. (no matter how you slice it, it is always cheesy!)

This last week I’ve been reading some of the books in the original Harry Potter series. As usual, mom’s cat, Mittens wanted attention while I was lost in the pages. I didn’t matter if I was in the halls of Hogwarts, she wanted me! Mom finds her cat frustrating when paws step on the Kindle and scores are changed. Thankfully, I was reading hard copy. She can leave claw marks in the pages (or I can leave blood on them when she kneads me), but she can’t lose my place! I was also pleasantly surprised to find, in a Pottermore quiz, that my Patronus is a Ragdoll cat. They are American bred and are known for their relaxed nature. Ragdolls are long haired and have striking coloration similar to the ‘mese’ sorts of felines (Siamese, Burmese, and so on.). Mittens has some of those characteristics, but she is definitely not a cat with bias towards relaxation around two leggers or canines!