Tuesday, August 05, 2014

Dear Lovely Young Lady,
I am so thrilled you have decided to marry my Josh. Er, I'll really work on putting an end to calling him "mine". He has chosen you, and I will honor both of you in that choice. But, before you speak your vows and make the marriage final, I feel obligated to give you full disclosure regarding what you are getting yourself into.
I know. Josh is charming. He's funny. He's handsome. I'm sure you think staring into his gorgeous blue eyes is the best way for you to spend the rest of your life. You love him. I get that! But, dear young lady, I would not be a good mother-in-law if I didn't tell you everything I know. I must be honest with you!
Before Josh met you, long before he knew the feelings and desire he has for you were possible, he committed himself to another love. I remember one night when Josh was 16 years old and we sat around the dinner table listening to him talk about this love of his. He had spent years caring for this creature and thought about it almost constantly. Never would a day go by when Josh didn't speak of his devotion to his love. In fact, that night around the dinner table Josh figured he would be with this love of his for the next fifty or sixty years. And he was serious! This turtle has a long future with Josh. And you, if you choose to accept it.I hope this isn't coming as a shock to you, but I feel you really must know the truth. His love for this creature has been growing for so many years, and I really don't think he'll be willing to give it up. That's why I wanted you to know. Before it's too late.

Sweetheart, I know strong feelings of love have a way of keeping us from seeing clearly sometimes, and the words I'm typing here might not be convincing you of Josh's devotion to his other love. So, I feel I must also include pictures. It is for your good, dear. Please don't be angry with me. But you must understand my son's behavior before you commit to him in marriage.
You see, he does things like this:

That is, he takes anything big he can find (In this case, it was a door from the closet.) and blocks off entire rooms (In this case, it was the living room.) so Spot can roam freely. But as his note indicates, Spot likes to nap and Josh may require you to stay out of the room as long as his beloved turtle is in there. Or at least request that you enter the room with extreme caution.
And if Spot ever decides to, oh, go to sleep behind the couch, Josh will move the couch so he can easily check on his beloved. And he will forbid you from moving the couch back to its rightful place until Spot has decided he is finished napping.
So, you'll have to look at something like this for a while:

I should mention that when Josh was 16 and thinking about the day when he would get his own house, he also said he intended to build Spot his own room. With an indoor pond, and plenty of space for wandering. So, I guess maybe you won't have to put up with experience these odd room-blocking-furniture-moving-turtle-runs-the-house-behaviors of his. I hope you won't mind giving up the biggest room in the house to the turtle.

Again, I am sorry if anything I've said has come as a shock to you. But I wanted you to know.
On the positive side, I have had many years of observing Josh's commitment and dedication to Spot. I have seen him care for that turtle with his own blood, sweat, and tears. (And his own money, too!) I've watched him research and discover the things which will make his turtle healthy and happy. And if my son's devotion to a reptile is any indication of the way he will love and care for you? Then you, my dear, are one very blessed woman. The blonde hair, blue eyes, and charm will just be a bonus!