Rip off the mask, tear down the walls. Show the world my beautiful, vulnerable self!

Star Struck Back Into Hiding

In the last few years, I’ve made significant strides moving out of my introverted shell. But every so often, I have to make a pilgrimage back, not to the place which was once my comfort zone, but to a new and improved location where the walls welcome me but no longer close me off from the world.

It starts slowly. I begin feeling detached from friends. I find sitting on the front porch or curling up on the sofa with my cats more and more appealing. I’ll spend a lot more time sitting in front of my computer like I am now, pouring my thoughts and feelings out on the page.

These are no longer times of isolation, but instead, times of reflection and introspection. It’s kind of like a quarterly review of where I was and how far I’ve come, and an acceptance of the work I still have to do. Sometimes I need to step back, not only to recognize the progress I’ve made, but to get clear on what’s still left to do. I need to spread everything out before me so I can more clearly see where I next need to go.

Needing to Disengage from Life’s Chaos

It’s easy to get caught up in the chaos and cacophony of daily life. Everything runs together like a finger painting; colors intermingling, and lines blurring. At these times, I need to do a kind of reality check to make sure I still want to work towards the dreams I’ve mapped out.

Sometimes, the answer is clear and I burst forth with renewed resolve in a day or two. Others, I need to ask myself tough questions and keep asking them until the answers are clear and I’ve cleaned out the rusty pipes, clogged with confusion over what I truly want to be when I grow up.

Closing a Door

Awhile ago, I wrote that my road map is a scatter diagram. It’s no more true than times like this when I’m stepping back to reassess and decide whether to pursue my current dream or come up with something new. One thing I know for sure, though. There’s no shame in deciding I’ve traveled as far as I can along a particular road, or realizing it’s time to close one door and open another.

But if I do decide to close that door, I feel like I have to choose a new direction right away, so I’ll go into my shell trying to figure out what that will be. In reality, closing a door is just that: closing a door. I already have several others open anyway, so there’s no rule saying I have to find another door right away—if ever. Sometimes I just need to close a door.

For now, I need some alone time, not only to make certain I want or need to close a door, but to decide whether or not there’s another I want or need to open right now. There are no wrong answers. Whatever I decide will be perfect. Even if I decide I need more alone time.

Disconnection Breeds Detachment

I’m not sure what triggered these feelings this time. It might be the friend I feel is disconnecting from me, though to be honest, I started pulling back first. It might be astronomical occurrences, the weather, or a million other things. I could just be frustrated by the progress I haven’t made, and think I should have.

It could be a combination of everything which created in me a gigantic sense of overwhelm. I’ve learned sometimes you simply have to accept that you’re being pushed to do something, and to follow along without asking too many questions. I know too well how many questions we ask are unanswerable anyway.

In some ways, I’m sad. I know when this is over, I’ll have made some decisions, and perhaps I’ll have lost something precious in the process. I can’t say whether it will be a dream, something I’ve worked on for a long time, a friend, or something else. I only know something is ending, and whatever it is will be missed. And I know I’ll have had some choice in the matter.

In Life, There Will Always be Loss

I’ve lost a lot of people, beloved pets, and things over the years through circumstances beyond my control. Too often, I try to hang on and stretch the grieving process out, wallowing and clinging instead of accepting and doing my best to move on without what I lost. Choosing to let something or someone go should be easier, but it isn’t always. In fact, knowing I’m going to lose something, if by my own choice makes it harder. I have to anticipate the loss and know it’ll be the result of my own irrevocable choice.

My inclination is to set the choice aside, fight my urge to be alone, and bury it in outside activity. But delaying a necessary if painful choice doesn’t make it easier, nor does it lessen the pain. It merely prolongs the agony.

Even though I don’t know yet what the choice I’ll be making will be, I feel tears filling the backs of my eyes. I value every aspect of my life nowadays, so there’s nothing I’ll choose to let go of I won’t miss, even knowing the space will be filled so quickly, I’ll have trouble seeing what part of my life it once filled.

This seems like the ramblings of a dotty, old woman, even to me right now. Too many unknowns; too many questions; nothing concrete, only a feeling of impending loss, and a choice I’ll have to make.

And an unfathomable desire to be alone which won’t be ignored.

Whatever Happens, There Will Always be Gratitude

My gratitudes today are:

I’m grateful I’ve learned to listen to the voices in my head.

I’m grateful for guidance which sends me in directions I might not go myself, but will, invariably put me exactly where I need to be.

I’m grateful for changes in direction. They lead to adventures, and what would life be without adventures?

I’m grateful for the friendships I’ve formed over the last few years. They ebb, flow, grow, and evolve. But there’s a solidity I’ve grown accustomed to having after decades of being alone.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats, and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author or in her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward