to be sh!tting myself after a traumatic termination experience

**Please don't read this if you're easily upset by the idea of abortion/termination, or ob/gyn trauma

apologies in advance for length, don't want to drip feed

It was really difficult to decide where to post this. can't put it in infertility or conception for fear of upsetting people, can't put it in pg loss because it covers infertility... hope this is ok.

DH and I have just started TTC. It's exciting, we're ready for it emotionally and financially, no worries there.

When i was a teenager 10+ years ago, I was forced by my family to have an abortion. it was incredibly traumatic not least because it was performed without anaesthetic (i grew up outside the UK). after i left my family and started life on my own, i had a lot of therapy and it's behind me now. I am still extremely sad about it, but accept now that i was innocent in the situation, and the baby is in a better place, whatever that place may be iyswim.

it was a d&c-type abortion. I was given medication that opened my cervix and then the Dr performed a D&C with a sharp instrument (not vacuum extraction).

(**This is the upsetting part, please don't read if easily upset)

When I was on the table initially, i was being held down across the shoulders/chest. I was moving my pelvis trying to get away from the Dr's hands. The Dr told me to lie still, and if i didn't he might cut me and I would be made infertile. out of fear of what might happen and having realised this baby was not going to have a chance, i lay still for the rest of the procedure.

During recovery i bled for slightly longer than normal iirc, but had no infection etc. Since that time i've been on the pill. when went off it for six months a few years ago, and had normal clockwork periods, just as before the pg. I've just stopped the pill again last week so obvy no natural period yet.

THe problem is I am terrified that this doctor scarred me as he said he would. I now know about Asherman's syndrome (adhesions caused by D&C, leading to infertility) and I am so afraid. I'm probably more afraid of how angry and desolate i will feel if it turns out i can't have children & that terrible memory is all i will ever have, with no baby of my own to hold.

it's very hard to talk about this because a) it involves abortion and ppl don't like to hear about that, b) it's horrific and ppl don't want to believe it happened to me. I am even afraid to tell my current Dr what happened, and to ask his advice, because he may not believe me. MN seems like the only place I can ask.

AIBU to be deathly afraid that i may never get pregnant again, or carry a baby to term? and what on earth do I do to keep going through the fear?

i have told my therapist what happened. She is lovely, and she tries to help me...she actually specializes in infertility counselling (i didnt choose her for that reason, only found out after i started going), but she's from a different world and i know she just can't understand what i've been through. DH furious with my parents (has been since I told him, it was not his baby that was terminated btw) but there is always that touch of helplessness... he can't go back in time and save me, there's nothing he can do. he tries to support me, but there's only so much crying I can do before I put him into a place of stress and worry. which is not going to help TTC.

Also: In the meantime i'm doing whatever i can to gather info about my fertility (temping, charting, OPKs) so that if we have no luck TTC after a year, I can go to the OB with a full complement of info and will be able to push for immediate investigation. If anyone has suggestions about what else i can do, please do let me know.

Im rushing out so can't stop about to do a long post but didn't want to leave you un-answered.I would (emotional issues aside) try ttc for a while before you worry about being infertile...you may fall quickly, normally D&C type terminations don't cause any long term fertility issues....Very un mumsnet [hugs] for you...sorry its not longer.

bloody hell you poor thing. Hiope your fears are unfounded, but it sounds like you are planning and preparing for the worst. Is there any chance you could push for immediate investigations into your fertility?

oh poor poor you. What a horrible experience you've been through and at such a young age. I really think you should talk to your GP about this as if nothing else they may be able to put your mind at rest CAn you ask to talk to a woman GP if you'd be more comfortable. I don't think they will disbelieve you - why should they?

You've only just started TTC and trust me it can take ages (as I know to my cost at the moment) so please don't start thinking about infertility or other problems yet. Give it time, relax, enjoy trying and be gentle with yourself.

I am no expert but If you've been having clockwork periods and you're otherwise healthy you sound pretty healthy to me.

This may seem completely pointless coming from such a stranger, but I am so so sorry that you've been put through such an unbearable experience. I'm at an absolute loss for words.

You are so much stronger than you seem to think you are - if I had been through that I would have given up on life and humanity long ago. Your therapist is the best person to speak to about anything like this but since you are already discussing things with her then I just need to say - The whole of Mumsnet will be behind you in your efforts to conceive and the best thing to do is just not to give up.

Keep up with the ttc, and if nothing has happened after a year then you need to go to your GP and start discussing options.

I really am so sorry for what your cruel, horrific parents have put you through, but it's very likely that the only damage it did was psychological.

Keep trying, keep calm and keep carrying on I look forward to the day when you announce your pregnancy.

I also dont want to upset you but I have my own story-I also had a termination a long time ago. Like you I was under immense pressure from my family and eventually gave in.

I had mine at a local nhs hospital. All seemed fine-no complications apart from very heavy bleeding post op.

However I lost my first son at 24 weeks 8 years later. I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. Doctors say it is unlikely that the termination causes this but they cannot rule it out 100%-so obviously I now have to carry that guilt as well as the guilt re the termination.

Not saying this to make you feel worse-though I know it may sound bleak-but just to advise you.

If I were you I think I would go and see your gp asap. Tell him the full story of your termination. You may be able to have investigations now to determine if there were any long lasting effects eg adhesions,cervical problems etc. I think many of these can be ruled out by a simple scan.

I am absolutely sure that you will be fine-and I hope that you concieve very soon.

I really think you should talk to your GP about it, keep the history as factual and emotion free as you can (easier said than done, I know) I don't see any reason why he wouldn't believe you. He can then either reassure you or send you for tests which may help you to find an answer, either way you have nothing to lose. Best of luck!

So sorry for what you've been through . If you're worried you could have an HSG test (they put dye into your womb and tubes to show up any scarring), think they cost about £500 privately, although it is quite invasive and can be painful so may be upsetting for you.

That is such a traumatic thing to go through, its no wonder you are fearful. As far as know, D&C terminations used to be standard here in the UK too, you had no infection and it is very unlikely you would have fertility problems relating to this. I do understand your worry though, you were threatened by a doctor when you were in a very vulnerable state and it must be difficult to get that out of your head.

Just ttc, enjoy the excitement and try to go with the flow for now. Then, if you have not conceived within the year you can put your plan to get investigated into action.

As others have said it is not surprising you are fearful and anxious. I think it would be worth speaking to your GP - s/he may well be able to set your mind at rest or refer you for further investigation to see if there any long lasting effects - again to reassure you. Lots of sympathy and try not to worry.

I also want to send hugs and support - what a horrific and awful experience.

I think it would be a good to thing to talk to your GP now, rather than wait. He/she may be able to refer you now, rather than having to wait for the usual year, and your history certainly should be something your GP is made aware of. Have you discussed this with your counsellor?

Well to answer you question, no, you are most definitely not being unreasonable.

Of course you are terrified. You poor thing. How horrific.

You sound incredibly together and strong.

I know it sounds much easier said than done but try and relax as much as possible about the TTCing for a while. I would definitely recommend you tell your gp though. Not least because even though you think you have dealt with things, the very nature of vaginal examinations etc may be an issue for you.

How horrible I don't see why anyone wouldn't believe you, we all definitely believe you here and we don't even know you. I come from Ireland where women were treated like filthy animals in the not so distant past, so I have some idea about the type of "world" you might be talking about.

Can you keep talking to your counsellor about what happened? Do you think that would help?

I think if you went to your GP and told him/her what happened he/she would be happy to refer you immediately for gynaecological tests. You don't have to be infertile to have your reproductive health checked out and seeing as you don't know what effect the procedure had on you I think it would be totally reasonable to ask for a thorough check up. That might help to put your mind at rest on that score.

I think it might be a good idea to try to work through this trauma a bit more before trying to conceive as you may find pregnancy very difficult if you're not mentally ready for it.

Sorry to hear you had such a traumatic time. That type of D&C is a common procedure (though should be with anaesthetic) and so I do hope you can conceive and carry a baby perfectly normally. But I would talk to the doctor to try and set your mind at rest.

as i said it's very hard to talk about because of all the crap that surrounds abortion. where i come from it is the worst thing a woman can do (after getting pregnant out of wedlock... cruel that) and nobody talks about it. Any problems you have afterwards are seen as your own fault iyswim.

i wish you all knew how much it consoles me to be met with sympathy. Thank you so so much for being kind.

Memoo I knew this was the wrong place to post but I dithered for ages trying to think where else to put it. In the end if anyone is nasty to me, it's OK, it's nothing I haven;t heard before. nobody could be harder on me than i have already been to myself.

you've convinced me, i'll talk to my GP. I suppose it sounds strange that i would say he wouldn't beleive me, it's just that people sometimes just don't accept that terminations are carried out without consent and esp without pain relief. They think i'm some sort of fantasist, or that if it happened at all I would have ended up losing my mind etc. they can't understand why i'm still functioning. Then i feel guilty for functioning! but I have to get over it and be smart about this.

I'm trying to cross each bridge as i come to it but it still gets overwhelming at times. so your advice & perspective is appreciated & much needed. Thank you again.