Poll – What Would You Do Post Disengagement?

You do not know why. You are hurt, angry and bewildered. You learn that barely a day after you have been cruelly disengaged from, the narcissist is with somebody else already. What on earth is going on?

Faced with this situation, what would you do or perhaps more accurately what would you have done before acquiring understanding and insight through me?

Would you have angrily confronted them both, telling him what a scumbag he is and what a whore she is to be with him so soon? Would you be concerned that someone else has been ensnared and you want to warn this person or perhaps you think an indirect warning through family or friends would be more judicious? Maybe you want to derail this fledging relationship or even you will try to win back the narcissist?

114 thoughts on “Poll – What Would You Do Post Disengagement?”

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I certainly would not confront them , especially her and I would definitely not try to win him back.
I would isolate myself.I would be suffering but I wouldn’t want him to know.
Maybe I would monitor their relationship from a distance at first but then knowing him he would keep it secret, no info no pictures.
I would probably tell myself that she is better looking, funnier, got better job etc.

ABW
Narchole is similar. He tries to keep everything secret although he did go as far as telling me her name when I found out he had someone else.
Well I already new her name and thought she would be more beautiful etc. May be she has a better personality cos she sure ain’t a looker.

Saw her waiting for him last Wednesday outside work. When he cameout if the building he saw me otherwise I’m sure he would have kissed her.

I know more than he thinks I do.

Wish I hadn’t seen them – my recovery has taken about a million steps backwards.

No. I do not like the word ‘covert’ when describing our kind because it is too broad. What you have to keep in mind is that Lesser and Mid Range Narcissist do not know what they are and therefore they do not actively decide to act in a particular way, it is instinctive. Greater are also instinctive to a degree but are calculating and aware. Many of the traits of narcissism exist in all three schools but will manifest in different ways. Some are harder to spot but with Lesser and Mid-Range this is ore to do with society ‘normalising’ certain behaviours rather than seeing it for what it really is. Thus the grandiose bragging of the Upper Lesser about how well his business is doing is part of inflated sense of self-importance and an aspect of his narcissism – many people would just think he is ‘full of himself’ or ‘a show off’ or ‘always blowing his own trumpet’. The Middle Mid-Ranger manipulates in a passive aggressive way through Pity Plays and smearing, again another aspect of his narcissism but people will think ‘he is over sensitive’ or ‘always moaning about how hard done to he is’ or ‘plays office politics and is a back stabber’. You will find both overt and covert behaviours in all three schools, hence why I do not like using those terms in isolation.

Hmmm… to confirm my understanding. A covert Mid then would ply his trade passive-aggressively and in secret. An OVERT Mid would moan and cry aloud, but generally seek fuel openly? Is that the distinction? (If so, I have one of each in my garden… though they OFTEN act in both ways.)

I’ve been meaning to ask for a long time do all greater know what they are and what they do or is this something only you or some are able to do it just seems like a lot of even greater narcs would be unable to say I’m a narc I manipulate people. I don’t know

So many Narcissists I have met have a certain haughtiness about them. Not always in what they say, (though that too) but their manner and tone. Is that mannerism a red flag HG? or is it too broad? I am very interested in your thoughts.

I have still managed to stop my unofficial partner moving in. Thank you so much for that but I feel like I am living scared His official partner has called him out on his abuse and is throwing him out.(so he says) she has even called him a narc He complains she hasn’t cooked for him for two weeks and that she wasn’t grateful enough for something he did a week ago. He might even get dumped by us both simultaneously because he has been rumbled by BOTH of us reading your blog. IMAGINE.

HG
I would have confronted him.
I would have told everybody what he had done particularly his Close family like mother sister brother’s close friends.
I would not blame the woman… I learnt that a long time ago, it’s definitely the boyfriend I would have gone for… who knows what lies the person would have told!!!! if they can be with somebody so soo…I wouldn’t blame the new person I would honestly think it was him.
I would have caused a massive exposure of what had gone on to everybody everywhere!!
I would have confronted him vehemently as to what he thought he was doing and who did he think he was and how dare he and how could he treat me this way.!!! I would have told him what I thought of him and called him all kinds of names if he had been telling me he loves me like that only to find he was with somebody else immediately..

After the initial outrage I would then have pulled myself to pieces as to what I had done wrong and thought about all my inadequacies as a woman for starters.. probably followed by a period of utter depression complete bitterness.. and the switching off of empathy for a bit.

That would be before you HG….haha..

Luckily for me I wasn’t discarded.
…. I escaped.

Shortly after my escape I found you HG.
Consequently the Handling of matters has your influence upon them and I am not a source of fuel now and I have been able to stick to my guns with you in my corner… your books, advice, guidance …keeping me FREE.

My ex narc and I were together 3 years. I was always the one leaving him but he always managed to hoover me back. I was addicted to him in many ways. He asked me to live together several times and I always said no. Last time I broke up with him, he tried to hoover me back but it did not work. I learned some weeks later that he had a new IPPS, somebody he, I am sure, had been “keeping in reserve” while being with me but she was living in a different country. It did hurt my ego to learn he was with someone new after a few weeks of being SOOO heart-broken because of me, and it actually took me WAY much longer to heal from that relationship than I initially had thought it would take me. But I did not do anything about his new IPPS. I just tried to ignore them and went on trying to put the pieces of my life together again.

However, I think that, had he left me to be with her, I would have confronted only him and told him what a scumbag he is. Probably I would have also scratched his beloved car, which I always found hideous anyway… LOL.

LOU—ahhh the cars. wth is it with them. i fantasize about going all carrie underwood on his. still. have not seen it since i left nc. alas the car the car the car. do you know how many g’s it pulls? blah blah special edition from au. one of 1000 in the states. ya i made that # up but whatever. it was so part of him. the facade. to closest thing to his “heart” was that black soulless car. it’s icky to think of that car. it’s xeon lights. i make less in a yr than the worth of that car. i had fears day and night of seeing that f’ing car hither and yon. it literally struck fear in my veins thinking i sighted it. but nope. not yet. muahaha. now i don’t live in fear and think each car remotely close is his. there is a kia optima that looks quite like it from the back. that pleases me. kia. keys. ideas. ideas.

Hi Tappan Zee…..I can so relate to your comment about narcs and their cars. A Lesser I know, would have had the car so clean AT ALL TIMES…..that he would not want anyone in it other than himself….he used to remind me of that Shania Twain song…..That Don’t Impress Me Much…….”you make me take off my shoes before you let me get in” …….Another narc, A Mid Range, I once made a flippant comment about “you don’t know what love really is…” ……to which he replied “I love my car.”…….to which I replied…..”Did you forget about your kids there for a second?” A Greater narc had to have the best car and changed it on a whim. What I also noticed about the Lesser and the Mid Range narc is that their car often exceeded my expectation of what they should have been able to really afford……Diva

Tappan Zee
OMG yes! That is the best song!! I never get tired of hearing it. It played in the car when I was driving my exhusband one day and he absolutely hated it! Said it was just psychotic!

He’s different about cars and possessions than a lot of narcs. Maybe because he’s just cerebral. He doesn’t own anything but his clothes. He just borrows from family – cars, houses, apartments – whatever. He doesn’t want to go to the effort to actually own things, plus he probably gets fuel from talking people into doing things for him. He currently drives an old Saturn that used to be mine and our sons tricked him into putting in his name.

NarcAngel
You may be on to something! Maybe that’s why he was never any good at sex, his cars were always used junkers.

Hey don’t diss that Saturn! That used to be my car. Saturn actually built it for me to my specs. It’s the best car he’s driven in many years. I think one reason he wanted it was not only was it still in good shape, but he could triangulate me with it. Two birds with one stone.

NarcAngel
You’ll appreciate this car story…
You know how he always drove someone else’s extra vehicle? Well back before our daughter moved to Kansas, he left a truck broken down in her driveway for months. One day she told him to move it or she would get rid of it. Of course he ignored her. She sold it to a junkyard for $50. He went ballistic! Turned out it belonged to one of his narc brothers who had been needing it back. My exhusband had to pay him $3000 for it. Our daughter of course was completely unrepentant to all concerned. She wouldn’t even give him the $50. She said she deserved it for her trouble. She would probably cite this story as one of the reasons she moved to Kansas.

That is so Narcissist. My so called partner leaves piles of his stuff on my house then tells me it’s cluttered. I have been burgled twice and he still leaves Garden tools outside that can be used to prize the door open. I have specifically told him not to. I even had tool marks down my back door where someone had tried to do just that, and then just dismisses me. At some point I think I might just pretend that someone’s stolen them. What a pity.

Mrs Linton
Talking of tools… most of the family narcs are in construction. They would just take my tools whenever they needed one and never bring them back. At first I wrote my name on them but that didn’t help. After much trial and error I discovered if I bought dinky looking tools and painted them entirely baby pink, no man would walk off with them. I carried it out further – $800 generators, expensive roofing nail guns, air conditioners – all baby pink. They got angry and grumbled, but all my tools stayed home where they belong. 😊

Twilight
No write up. Just sop up the spill and then call I.T. Then lie,deny, and act surprised as to why it stopped functioning. Worked everytime for me. When they gave me the hairy eyeball I would just ask if they doubted me. Answer was always no lol.

LOL, Tappan Zee, I do like that song. But I guess only girls like it. I doubt guys find it funny (just like Windstorm’s husband)
My ex narc was not really into cars. He did not talk a lot about his car neither, but I know he was kind of proud about it (although it was not an especially fancy car). He liked to drive it. I fantasized for some time about going in the night to scratch it and slash the tires, but I never did.
Narc Angel, your theory is right in my ex narc’s case; he did see his penis much prettier than it really was.

I noticed a comment on his soc media from HER stating she was going round on a particular eve to drink his Gin ! So on that eve I messaged her and asked where she was going – as she loves a selfie and was posting progress pics of getting ready to go out!
She said she had a booty call ! I messaged HIM and asked what he was up to that eve. He said very briefly ‘Going out’, I asked ‘with ‘x’ ?’ – slow response then ‘No. Just out – why? is that alright with you?!’ Oooops I think I hit a sore point.
I then jumped back and asked HER if she was going to see HIM – to which she denied and asked why – I didnt respond.
I then remessaged him and told him I knew damn well she was going over to him. HE denied it.

The following morn – SHE posted a selfie from the prev night and the sofa she sat upon was HIS. I pondered all day and sent out a shot of the pic and an explicit message to them both! She blocked me and he relished in the row that followed. The same thing exactly happened 2 weeks later after he insisted she only ‘called round’ the once. Pffftttt…………………………….
Will I try to ruin each pathetic get together he attempts that I find out about – for a while – yes! I am bitter and it makes me feel better. I admit it. Despite a fuel gain – this also ridicules him and he HATES it. GOOD !!
This will ease off in time – it has already done so.
Honest and Open comment!

Love it. I would live to ruin things for him with the IPPS but have resisted thus far. At times I just want to tell her that he’s been sleeping with me and other times I think fuck them both they deserve each other, both cheaters

I did all thos things on the first and second affair even the third but then I became aware of what I was dealing with!!!!!!!!! Married 34 years and finally left him after number 4!! good luck to the fourth lady may she find out at her own peril as apparently it’s all my fault as I was a terrible wife and he never loved me anyway !!!! Which is true because the cannot love. I turned myself into a pretzel trying to please this man. The final straw was when he made it apparent to me that it was the kids or him but not us (family) .The has been an awful father and has done as little as possible to be in their lives. I am no contact now and getting divorced and the kids and I have never been happier!

I really struggle with guilt of not warning my replacement. She is a single mother who I know has already had a hard life. I can’t help feeling like I have a moral obligation to warn of harm… even though I really don’t want to get involved in any way. Plus… I can’t help but be angry at her for what SHE did knowing I was still in the picture… I don’t know..

I chose warn the new victim because that was exactly what I did with the last narc I was entangled with before I was educated by your blog HG. It served two purposes as I got some revenge on him as he’d been cheating on me with the new victim and I hoped it would cause him some friction which it did. I found it really satisfying when he tried to come crawling back because she’d found him out too. I derived great pleasure in listening to him tell me how she’d discarded him and how my warning had coloured her view of him and then even greater delight in telling him I didn’t want him back. I would probably do the same thing again but I’m managing to disentangle myself from any narcs that come my way before I entangled myself if you get my drift.