Sarah talks about how one of the biggest challenges of becoming a new mom is the loss of control, and the loss of the person that you knew. As Sarah points out, "For a lot of women that really harsh transition from predictability and structure to none of it then gets put on infant sleep…I noticed there was a connection between women who were feeling really anxious, overwhelmed and low and the need for their baby to sleep in a certain way."

"A lot of people have had a lot of predictability and structure in their day before becoming a mom. If you are already a bit of a worrier, or perfectionist, or hard on yourself, people use structure, predictability and being successful as a way to manage that inner 'stuff'. Then baby comes along and BOOM!… out goes predictability, structure, there are no tangible successes."

"Whenever anyone loses this control, we look to find control. One way many women feel that they can find it is through their infant sleep…for many women they feel like they are being a great mom if they are following these so-called rules of infant sleep."

Having rules again really does make you feel like you gain some control over your baby and your life. The majority of questions I'm asked on Facebook Posts, in Mommy Groups, and when I do sleep presentations are around schedules. I'm not sure whether this is an internal obsession or whether 'sleep experts' or sleep books have forced schedules upon us. But the idea that every single child at a certain age has the exact same wake windows is crazy. You and I don't get the same amount of sleep, or go to bed at the same time, or (if we could nap) nap for the same length of time and we may be the same age.

A big concern I have about these schedules is that they can make moms feel like a failure. Take a new mom, who is barely getting through her day because of all the major changes in life, and is so sleep deprived that she can barely function, and make her feel like an even bigger failure - that is what we are doing. For example, if your 6-month old baby is not sleeping for two hours for each nap, then they aren't following 'sleep science' and they aren't getting the sleep that they need. This then spirals into parents feeling like their baby is not going to develop into a healthy child and therefore you have failed them. Since when did a book (a lot of which were written in the 1980's) become a better expert on our baby then we are? Since when did we as a culture seek to make new mothers feel like absolute crap? How has this happened?

If you are holding on to this obsession with your baby's schedule and this need for control (sleep and/or feeding), I would like you to ask yourself why? Why do you need to control your baby? What is driving this obsession and is it really benefiting you in any way or just adding stress to your life? Is this obsession healthy?

It is important to get to the root of what is driving this obsession because forcing your baby onto a misconstrued sleep schedule is not going to solve this deep-rooted need. Also, your baby is going to grow and their sleep needs change. As parents, we need to accept that who our children become cannot be forced and controlled. Likewise, their bodily functions like eating, sleeping and eliminating are also not within our control. Although not easy, this is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and for our baby. Dr. Shefali Tsabary has so many great podcasts and books about letting go of control over our children. We speak a lot about this in our Parenting Courses and Sleep Courses.

So now you know how I feel about schedules, let me briefly mention one of my other pet peeves, the EASY (Eat-Activity-Sleep-You time) schedule. Please… how many babies actually follow this??? We see so many moms at the lactation clinic whose supply has TANKED because they were forcing their baby to follow the EASY schedule. But I digress…

I want you to know that your baby will sleep when they need to as long as we do not get in the way and we are mindful when we are with our children and can read their UNIQUE cues. Rocking your baby for an hour, in a dark room, to try to get your baby to sleep at the time listed in the book is only going to do more harm then good. You cannot force a baby to sleep. A schedule cannot force a baby to sleep. It is only the sleep-wake homeostat and the circadian clock that will dictate whether your baby falls asleep.

After an hour you are for sure feeling frustrated and angry. Babies mirror everything we are feeling, so they also become frustrated and angry. What did that teach them? That going to sleep is not enjoyable and it makes mom angry so avoid going to sleep. Then instead of mom getting time to go for a walk and getting some fresh air (really key for mental health), she spent the whole day in a dark room.

"Sleep is not a state that you should try to force a baby into. It's better to set conditions that allow sleep to overtake baby and that make self-settling and lengthy sleeping easier and more attractive to baby" (Sears 2005).

I am not saying that sleep schedules and wake windows have no benefit. I use them as a GUIDE. Especially when I see signs of an overtired baby. If we are willing to rethink what a baby's sleep schedule is, then we can still have predictability (which babies will thrive on) with a rhythm.

The best way to learn your baby's unique rhythms and wake windows is to take the time to find your baby's unique wake windows. Log your baby's nap times and bedtime, noting when you observe them getting tired and when they fall asleep. If you do this for a week, you may find a pattern that can help you to create a flexible schedule. It is, however, important to note that there are lots of reasons that these times may change (e.g., illness, a more interrupted night sleep, a new developmental milestone, a busy day), so again, you do not want to be married to your schedule.

You can still have predictability without following a "sleep expert's" schedule. You can have a natural flow to the day: your baby will eat something, then you will maybe do an activity together, then you will do your nap wind-down, and then your baby will sleep. Repeat when your baby wakes from their nap, and start again. If it is taking your baby a long time to get to sleep, stop and come back in thirty minutes when everyone is feeling calmer. Follow your baby's lead. Doing this will help you to avoid power struggles and over parenting to sleep while keeping a positive association with sleep for everyone involved.

What I really want parents to know is that wake windows are a VERY small piece of the bigger perfect sleep puzzle. The fundamental unit of development is the dyad - baby AND mom. If you feel stressed and anxious, I would try altering your own feelings/attitude before you look at your baby's schedule.

I would like to challenge everyone to let it go. Sing it with me: Let it go. Do what feels right for you. Understand that your baby has unique needs. Know you are NOT a failure. You are the best person on the planet to be a mom to your baby and if you trust your instincts, you will always do what is right for your baby.

So… because I titled the post, 'Sleep Schedules and Wake Windows,' I will list the wake windows and schedules promoted by many sleep consultants who use sleep training. Many will find these nap lengths are unrealistic unless you plan to use strategies like the longest hour (where you leave your baby to cry for a full hour, if they wake early from their nap. I know… pretty brutal as a strategy), hoping that your baby will sleep longer (or likely just lay there awake and not signal for you because you aren't going to come).

WAKE WINDOWS/SCHEDULES BY AGE:

Again, please remember that these are often suggested by consultants who force longer naps using the strategy mentioned above and they are not realistic. Yes, they are based on 'sleep science' but remember that your baby is unique and has different sleep needs than another baby of the same age.

Before the age of 5 months, try to keep the time that your baby is awake to a minimum. We call the time between one nap wake to the next a wake window.

If you use these schedules and all of your sleep challenges are fixed, then I am happy that you have found them useful. If your baby does not follow these schedules, then that’s OK too. All I want is for you to dig a little deeper and reflect on what is really driving this obsession with wake windows.

If you are interested in more from my discussion with Sarah, please sign-up for our newsletter at www.islagrace.ca to see the full conversation as we will be doing Mommy Month in May. You can also sign-up for our sleep basics course and webinars through my website as well.

Lauren Heffernan is the Founder of Isla-Grace. She’s a certified Holistic Maternity & Child Sleep Consultant and Certified Sleep Educator. She provides information and support to women at different stages of motherhood, and walks each one through the personal journey to become a more confident mother.