]]>The great philosopher, Rocky Balboa, is talking to his manager Paulie. They are in the meat locker, Rocky is punching some cows, and Paulie asks him about his sister:

“You really like her? I don’t get it, what’s the attraction?”

“I don’t know, fills gaps I guess.”

“What’s gap’s”

“I dunno. I’ve got gaps, she’s got gaps. Together we fill gaps.”

(this whole blog post is so much better if read in Rocky’s voice)

Gaps are why we love (and hate) relationships. We have gaps, we need others to fill our gaps, and we need to fill others gaps. How many of us are comfortable with our gaps, as much (or little) as they are filled?

So often we are begging for our gaps to be filled, instead of being the one who fills gaps.

]]>781http://samuelrainey.com/blog/2018/08/gaps/How to Fighthttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/SamuelRaineyCounseling/~3/NUfyDzskDJY/
Fri, 10 Aug 2018 10:36:01 +0000http://samuelrainey.com/blog/?p=779How to Fight: Strike when the iron is COLD! The heat of the moment is usually too hot. Wait for things to cool down. Smile. Use hopeful, positive language Smiling takes less facial muscles, is linked to an increased production of dopamine (the “feel good” chemical in our body), and makes it harder to stay […]

The heat of the moment is usually too hot. Wait for things to cool down.

Smile. Use hopeful, positive language

Smiling takes less facial muscles, is linked to an increased production of dopamine (the “feel good” chemical in our body), and makes it harder to stay in resentment/anger for both you and your sparring partner.

Offer a compliment

Want to disarm yourself and your partner? Tell them what you like/love about them.

Tell a story

Eugene Peterson says it well, “Stories are verbal acts of hospitality.” Welcome someone with a story.

Designate a safe room, and safe time of the day

What room in your house can you designate as the place to have adult discussions around conflict? Is there a time of day that works best for you and your partner?

Take off your shoes

This grounds you, helps you to feel and get in touch with being human. The goal is to repair the relationship, not to win the fight.

]]>779http://samuelrainey.com/blog/2018/08/how-to-fight/Healthy Cultureshttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/SamuelRaineyCounseling/~3/cqEOjsZwSkg/
Wed, 08 Aug 2018 09:57:29 +0000http://samuelrainey.com/blog/?p=773We are all a part of a multiple organizational cultures in our lives. Family, work, church, school systems, volunteer organizations, and hobby clubs. No doubt all of us have experienced the problems that come from unhealthy cultures. They are marked by things such as secret keeping, refusal to set or adhere to boundaries, triangulation (gossip), […]

]]>We are all a part of a multiple organizational cultures in our lives. Family, work, church, school systems, volunteer organizations, and hobby clubs. No doubt all of us have experienced the problems that come from unhealthy cultures. They are marked by things such as secret keeping, refusal to set or adhere to boundaries, triangulation (gossip), and a clear hierarchy of power/control.

In working with lots of people in many different organizations (as well as starting several of my own organizations), I’ve found that there are three things that healthy cultures do really well.

1. They identify the real issues with help from someone from the outside.

2. They confront and discuss with honesty the real issues, not shying away from the difficult truths. They tell the truth, usually involving conflict.

3. They develop solutions and process that are inclusive, not exclusive. The quickest way to poison a culture is to make it exclusionary.

It’s easy for a culture to become a cult when none of the three things above take place.

]]>773http://samuelrainey.com/blog/2018/08/healthy-cultures/Selfishnesshttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/SamuelRaineyCounseling/~3/kdEv0wZxXkw/
Mon, 06 Aug 2018 10:14:17 +0000http://samuelrainey.com/blog/?p=787I’m usually only concerned about three people in my life: Me, myself, and I. That’s the definition of selfishness, and the root question selfish people are always asking is something like: “What are you going to do that is going to make my life better, easier?” Self-lessness (the opposite of selfishness) is not thinking less […]

]]>I’m usually only concerned about three people in my life: Me, myself, and I. That’s the definition of selfishness, and the root question selfish people are always asking is something like: “What are you going to do that is going to make my life better, easier?”

Self-lessness (the opposite of selfishness) is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less. The irony of it all is the more I try to think of myself less, the more I’m actually thinking about myself. It’s pretty much an impossible reality to escape. We’re all more concerned with ourselves than we are of others.

Those that say they’re more concerned about others than themselves usually aren’t aware of how they’re using others to feel better about themselves. No one is altruistic, and no one is fully evil either (though some are close).

We can be in recovery for our selfishness (a very similar process to recovery for addictions), or we can be in some form of denial for how much our selfishness affects those around us.

]]>787http://samuelrainey.com/blog/2018/08/selfishness/Woodworking and Listeninghttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/SamuelRaineyCounseling/~3/1cdU5PvCpSQ/
Fri, 03 Aug 2018 09:28:42 +0000http://samuelrainey.com/blog/?p=791One of my hobbies is woodworking. I love the smell of fresh wood and the tangible nature of seeing something created from start to finish. The golden rule of woodworking is measure twice, cut once (and also, as I’ve been told at conferences where I speak, don’t cut off your fingers — ha!). You can […]

]]>One of my hobbies is woodworking. I love the smell of fresh wood and the tangible nature of seeing something created from start to finish. The golden rule of woodworking is measure twice, cut once (and also, as I’ve been told at conferences where I speak, don’t cut off your fingers — ha!).

You can always cut off more material if you need to, but you can never add more material if you make a mistake.

Communication is very similar. Once spoken, words cannot be taken back. “I didn’t really mean what I said,” is a terrible way to try and escape from a painful/hurtful statement. Regardless of intent, the truth came out and there’s no taking it back.

Listen twice, speak once. Listening is measuring, speaking is cutting. Be sure that you know what you’re speaking about before you open your mouth. And in most cases, listening and reflective feedback (this is what I heard you say — not what I interpreted you saying) is way better that speaking your mind.

]]>791http://samuelrainey.com/blog/2018/08/woodworking-and-listening/Burdenshttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/SamuelRaineyCounseling/~3/EiWx-Y3FrpI/
Wed, 01 Aug 2018 09:21:32 +0000http://samuelrainey.com/blog/?p=789I’ve been thinking about how many people feel like their marriage is a burden. I agree, marriage is a burden. But I think it’s a burden in a different kind of way. The word “burden” in the Hebrew language means “assignment from God.” Marriage is a burden to our selfishness. It’s an assignment to deal […]

]]>I’ve been thinking about how many people feel like their marriage is a burden. I agree, marriage is a burden. But I think it’s a burden in a different kind of way. The word “burden” in the Hebrew language means “assignment from God.” Marriage is a burden to our selfishness. It’s an assignment to deal with our selfish nature.

To do marriage well requires a life of surrender and sacrifice, both of which don’t coexist well with selfishness. Marriage is not intended to make us whole. Yes, it fills some of our gaps, but not all of them. Marriage exposes what we do when all of our gaps aren’t filled like we want them to be.

What is it that we humans do when we get exposed? Hide, blame, run, cover up, and any number of other tactics to get back in control. We’re like the wizard of oz, “pay no attention to the frail, weak, aging man behind the curtain, only look at the big image that’s being projected on the screen.”

]]>789http://samuelrainey.com/blog/2018/08/burdens/Making Space for Relationshipshttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/SamuelRaineyCounseling/~3/_hgMVwQ1lPs/
Mon, 30 Jul 2018 09:56:59 +0000http://samuelrainey.com/blog/?p=783Here are three reasons to make space in life for relationships (even the difficult relationships). 1. Loneliness. Loneliness is an epidemic, and is linked to an increase risk of cardiovascular disease. We’re more connected to information and screens than we are to people and stories. The more information we have, the more anxious and depressed […]

]]>Here are three reasons to make space in life for relationships (even the difficult relationships).

1. Loneliness.

Loneliness is an epidemic, and is linked to an increase risk of cardiovascular disease. We’re more connected to information and screens than we are to people and stories. The more information we have, the more anxious and depressed we become.

2. Growth.

We can’t grow as people unless we are in relationships with other people. Apple’s Siri and Amazon’s Alexa don’t count as other people!

Pearls grow in clams/oysters because they opened up and got a foreign object lodged in there. The Amazon get’s over half of it’s nutrients from the Bodele depression, which is in Africa.

Humans are the same. We grow because of different people getting close to us and depositing something of their difference into our lives. Yes, it’s painful sometimes, but all growth involves some degree of pain.

3. Powerlessness.

If you let them, relationships will show you the two parts of yourself that you cannot see on your own: Your face, and your butt. We are both gifted and impaired human beings. We need relationships with others to show both of those parts to us. And for us to do the same in return.

]]>783http://samuelrainey.com/blog/2018/07/making-space-for-relationships/Conflict DNAhttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/SamuelRaineyCounseling/~3/A-YHJV563DI/
Fri, 27 Jul 2018 10:26:08 +0000http://samuelrainey.com/blog/?p=777The other day I talked about the different types of perspectives we have (some we choose, some that choose us). So much of what we see is based on our story, where we come from. Wendell Berry says it well, how is it that we can know where we are going if we have not figured […]

]]>The other day I talked about the different types of perspectives we have (some we choose, some that choose us). So much of what we see is based on our story, where we come from.

Wendell Berry says it well, how is it that we can know where we are going if we have not figured out where we have come from?

So much of conflict in our relationships comes from our own personal conflict DNA: The physiological makeup of our being combined with our emotional makeup. If you watch a newborn baby, they will respond to what they see in their mom as she looks at the baby. The mom smiles, the baby smiles back. The baby mirrors what they see, they don’t yet have an identity.

The same is true for our conflict styles. We are often mirroring what we have seen, and have yet to develop our own way of handling conflict.

What did you learn about conflict from your childhood home?
How are you continuing that legacy today?
What place (if any) did emotions have at home?

You can’t change what happened to you as a child, but you can change how you navigate your relationships today. They don’t have to be the same.

]]>777http://samuelrainey.com/blog/2018/07/conflict-dna/Perspective Mattershttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/SamuelRaineyCounseling/~3/mjLsNcYxw9w/
Wed, 25 Jul 2018 10:11:49 +0000http://samuelrainey.com/blog/?p=775Our perspectives matter in life, especially in relationships. Usually we see what we want to see, what we are looking for. But, we don’t have complete control over what we see. There are 3 things that shape our perspective: 1. My Stance (what I am conscious of, what is my viewpoint). What is it that […]

]]>Our perspectives matter in life, especially in relationships. Usually we see what we want to see, what we are looking for. But, we don’t have complete control over what we see. There are 3 things that shape our perspective:

1. My Stance (what I am conscious of, what is my viewpoint). What is it that you’re looking for, or not looking for? Sometimes I will have a couple stand at opposite ends of my office to look out the windows on either side of the building. Their backs are towards each other. They have very different objects to look at and tell the other about.

2. My DNA (what I’m predisposed towards). Remember the dress? Is it black/blue or white/gold? Turns out, your DNA controls what colors you see. Not everything that we see is our choice to see.

3. My Story (what I am unconscious of). We need others to help us see what we’re looking for, because we’re unable to see all parts of ourselves. Sometimes we are driven or motivated by what we cannot see.

Fights occur when we think that only one person’s perspective can be right. The reality is, both perspectives matter (and contain truth!). Trying to fight for who is right gets really messy.

]]>775http://samuelrainey.com/blog/2018/07/perspective-matters/4 Questions to Guide Conflicthttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/SamuelRaineyCounseling/~3/l49gxRpGJhI/
Mon, 23 Jul 2018 09:46:52 +0000http://samuelrainey.com/blog/?p=771Four Questions to Guide in a Fight: When possible take the time with the person you’re in conflict with to talk about these questions. If you do, you will gain important understanding about one another. Growth happens as a result of increased trust and constructive honesty. 1. What happened? (data) There are three sides to […]

When possible take the time with the person you’re in conflict with to talk about these questions. If you do, you will gain important understanding about one another. Growth happens as a result of increased trust and constructive honesty.

1. What happened? (data)

There are three sides to every story: Your side, my side, and the truth. Spend time in talking about all 3 sides.

2. What feelings came up? (emotions)

Anger is almost always a secondary emotion or a catch-all bucket of other feelings. Unpack that bag. Bravely risk being honest.

3. What did I do about it? (actions)

We usually try to get in control when we’re in conflict. Our actions/reactions dictate if we’re more focused on being right, or if we’re willing to be in the process of repair. Process can be scary because it’s open ended.

4. What do I need help with?

Knowing you can’t fix or resolve everything is normal for all relationships. We all need help outside ourselves. Recognizing there is a God, (and it’s not me or you — acknowledging I’m human), I am not all powerful or all knowing, speaking the words I need help is a sign of health and hope for your relationship.