colorado

Although many people consider Walmart to be the epitome of an “evil corporation,” no one can say that they’re not completely in touch with what people want. The company announced today that in several states, including Colorado, Maine, and Washington D.C., the company would begin selling marijuana seeds and seedling plants to consumers who are over 21.

“Most of these states have the same or similar laws when it comes to owning marijuana plants,” said company spokesperson Rebecca Brent. “As an adult over 21, you can have several plants, and you can grow even more. We already sell alcohol, and our employees are trained to ask for ID for anyone under 40 for controlled substances. Heck, we even card for R-rated movies like some company out of the dark ages. So selling marijuana will not add any sort of hinderance on our employees, and will be a great way to tap into a new market of potential customers.”

Surprisingly, there are very few protests about the company dipping into the weed trade, even from government officials.

“If Walmart is adhering to the laws, gaining proper licensure, then there’s no reason I can see for any fuss to be made,” said Charlie Connors, a representative for the Governor’s office in Maine. “We are allowing small businesses to sell, and we are allowing adults to purchase. I do not see why there is any issue with Walmart, the largest retailer in the world, from selling either.”

Brent says that if the seed and seedling sales go well, it’s possible that Walmart will branch into smaller locations that will only sell marijuana and paraphernalia.

“We were thinking of calling those smaller stores Wal-Greens, but as it turns out, that’s pretty much taken,” said Brent. “We are really excited about moving forward with such a great product launch, though.”

Brent says that they will add new aisles into Walmart locations that will be selling. The marijuana products will be located, naturally, next to the potato chip and soda aisle.

“We’ve never seen anything like this before,” said Dr. Hans Vermhat of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug addicts in Colorado are injecting a new strain of marijuana that changes the chemical makeup in the brain’s receptors which control the users like or dislike of the opposite sex; ultimately turning them into a flaming homosexual.”

The Colorado State Control Board has issues a massive recall for 3 different types of marijuana sold throughout the state at the Ready Green dispensaries, after 6 people died from “tainted” drugs.

According to the state health commission, the marijuana was grown and brought in from outside of the country, and has been found to have a dangerous pesticide that has caused more than 30 people to be hospitalized and 6 people to die after smoking it.

“It’s a nightmare, really, because the legal side of things has made it very easy to obtain weed, and Ready Green is the biggest dispensary in the state,” said Health Commission Chairman Mario Rodriguez. “We are working hard to remove this particular group of bud from all stores, but we’re not sure how much of it is out there.”

The health commission is asking people who currently purchase their weed at local stores to go back to doing it “the old fashioned way.”

“Please, if you need weed, buy it from a non-reputable dealer like everyone else in the country,” said Rodriguez. “It could save your life.”

Two month old Aurora Dorsey has been removed from her mother’s care after Amy Dorsey told Aurora’s pediatrician she had been using marijuana to treat her baby’s colic. Although marijuana use is legal in the state, children are not allowed to use it recreationally and must have a prescription for medicinal use.

Amy told the infant’s doctor they would “clambake the bathroom” while the baby was inside, or gently blow smoke into Aurora’s face, which seemed to alleviate her colic discomfort and help her sleep through the night. Dorsey says, “I can’t believe they took her away over a little pot smoke. Besides marijuana has been proven to cure cancer. I saw all those St. Jude commercials and thought, ‘well at least this won’t happen to my baby.’”

Children inhaling secondhand smoke, whether from cigarettes or marijuana, are more susceptible to respiratory infections and more likely to get asthma. Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, child welfare agencies have been finding it harder to stop children from using marijuana. Social worker Denise Haze says that while she has seen her fair share of 3-18 year olds smoking marijuana, this is usually without parental consent.

In a bold move by Microsoft, the company has begun shipping controllers that double as pot smoking pipes, or bowls, for their XBox 360 and XBox One consoles.

“This is a fucking game changer,” said Joe Goldsmith, avid video game player and pothead. “I mean shit, before I had to pause my game, put down the controller, then pick up my bowl, smoke it, and then put it down, pick up the controller…it was a processes. This is a much better idea.”

Microsoft said that the design came after many people complained that they had a hard time smoking weed, playing video games, and eating munchies all at once.

“We know that, for the most part, gamers – especially XBox gamers – are potheads, and we just wanted to do something to give a little back,” said Microsoft spokesman Jim Dugan. “We’re really glad to be able to launch a product like this, that will be so helpful to so many gamers and pot smokers.”

The controller will retail for $42.00, several dollars less than the current controller, but what Microsoft says is a “way more amusing” price point.

A 16-year-old teenage girl has reportedly been hospitalized after a bong she was smoking marijuana out of exploded, causing severe damage to her face.

“My daughter was told not to smoke the weed, but she didn’t listen, and now her beautiful face is gone,” said the teen’s mother. “I wish that I had been a better parent and paid more attention to her. She only started smoking weed because I worked so much, and now she’s going to be disfigured. I blame myself. I blame myself!”

Doctors say that this is the 12th bong explosion incident since Colorado legalized marijuana two years ago.

“We have seen, too often, these explosions of marijuana bongs. Teens do not seem to realize how volatile and dangerous smoking ganja can be, especially when smoking out of a giant piece of glass,” said Dr. Emile Jones. “In this specific situation, the girl’s face has been almost entirely removed. It will take years for skin grafting to be completed, and she will definitely never be sexy again.”

The unnamed teen’s parents are urging anyone who smokes to stop as soon as possible.

“Never light the bong again, or your face could also be ripped away,” said the teen’s father. “This is the most depressing thing to ever happen to anyone ever. Please learn from my daughter’s mistakes and put down the pot.”

It’s been over a year and a half since marijuana was legalized in Colorado for recreational use, and it seems that the state has been doing extremely well. With a massive influx in cash, the state has been able to use the money for better their police and firehouses, to fix and maintain roadways, and for supercharging the education system.

It’s the last part that has gotten some children notice lately, as last week, two 11-year-old boys in Boulder began selling marijuana at a roadside stand. The two say they got the idea during their 5th grade math class.

“Our teacher, Mr. Ames, he told us we could do anything we wanted in life, including selling drugs!” said Joey Goldsmith, 11. “I never thought about it before, but now that weed is legal, anyone can get it. Well, anyone over 18. Thankfully, I have an older brother and he gets and smokes it all the time, so he lets me take some and my buddy Mike and I sell it in my front yard.”

Joey says that he and Mike have made over $4,000 in just under 6 days, selling medical-grade marijuana to the people of their suburban neighborhood.

“It’s a really great idea,” said Mike Falkner, also 11. “I took my $2,000, and I bought an XBox One and a PS4. It’s pretty awesome!”

Both children say their parents have been “very supportive” of their marijuana stand, and plan to help them in any way they can.

“With the amount of money that Joey is making, I was actually able to take more time off from work so that I could help them sell,” said Marlene Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “I was a pediatric nurse making $11.50 an hour, so frankly, there’s more money in dealing.”

Authorities say they have checked on the status of the marijuana stand, and that the boys have done everything legally, including getting a dispensary license and filing forms with the state as a legitimate LLC.

In a state where marijuana sales and use has only recently become legal, teens and young adults are already finding new ways of abusing the substance to get as high as quickly, and with as much strength, as possible. The new trend among teenage users is to actually inject marijuana in the same way someone would heroin or cocaine, shooting it directly into the bloodstream.

“I’ve been smoking weed for so long, it just doesn’t do the trick anymore.” Said Lucas Davis, a 20 year old from Boulder. “I went on to dabs, and then to other more potent versions of weed, just trying to get as high as [expletive], ya know? Nothing has worked as well as just shooting that [expletive] right into my arm.”

Doctors have already cautioned worried parents that if they aren’t quick to stop their kids from injecting marijuana, they may see an epidemic of young people addicted to the drug.

“These kids who inject, they are far, far more likely to become addicted to marijuana than someone who just smokes it.” Said Dr. Michael Raymond, a surgeon at Bridgeton Memorial Hospital just outsider Boulder. “Weed is an immensely addictive drug. Patients of ours who smoke marijuana have reported that they became addicted almost immediately upon trying it for the first time, and most have to go through months of drug rehabilitation before they kick their addiction – and that is just the people who smoke it. Kids who are shooting up marijuana, they are headed down a serious drug path.”

Despite warnings from doctors and other medical professionals, most teens say they aren’t worried about the repercussions of injecting marijuana.

“I don’t get the fuss with weed, man. It’s all about chilling out, maybe eating a box of Zebra Cakes and watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. It’s not like I have a real drug problem.” Said Derek Paul, a teenager from Aspen, Colorado. “Sure, I get paranoid when I’m high sometimes, but I stopped smoking and switched to banging [injecting] it because sometimes I’d cough so damn much when hitting the bong I thought my lungs were bleeding. This works better. It feels so [expletive] good to get high, you know? It feels really damn good.”

Worried parents in Colorado, as well as other parts of the country, have formed an online support group for people with children addicted to shooting up marijuana. The private Facebook group, Parents Against Marijuana Abuse, or PAMA, already has over 6,000 members.

“You have all really given me so much support through these troubled times in my son’s life.” Said Erin Silver, who posted to the group’s page. “My boy Marcus overdosed while shooting up marijuana, and he almost died. When I showed him all the parents on here, people from all over the country who were scared for their children’s lives, he quit his weed abuse cold turkey. He’s been off marijuana now for 2 weeks. I am so proud of him.”

“I’m not worried about what doctors say,” said Davis. “I just like the way it feels, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get the best high I can. Oh hey, have you seen my box of Bugles anywhere?”

In a stunning turn of events, a Colorado woman has been given a sentence of 6-months house arrest after she was convicted of murdering her child. The reason for the crime is almost as heinous as the crime itself, as the judge noted the loss of life being “less than substantial,” due to the color of the child as well as the background of the mother/father.

“Due to the father being a less-than-stellar member of society, as well as the mother being one to consort with this type of individual, I find no reason to extend her sentence longer than necessary, at a cost to the tax payers,” said Judge Jeffery Reinhold.

Social advocates have been in an uproar since the judgment, with many citing an obvious line of racism in the Judge’s sentencing.

“The man is a bigot and it’s as simple as that,” said Nancy Hartford of Conscious Social Change, a progressive action collective of citizens in Colorado. “Just because the father is African-American and may have a history of violent crimes, does not somehow wave the child’s rights.”

In response to the outrage, Reinhold has stood firm in his position.

“The bottom line is that incarcerating the mother would be a waste of taxpayer dollars. The father was a criminal, the mother a drug addict. Putting her in prison would make her a better criminal and cost us all more money. What is done cannot be undone. While tragic, it is logical to assume the child would have grown up to be a poor citizen. More than likely he’d listen to gangster rap and dream of being a gangbanger. So the loss of life is really not that big. Babies grow up, and this baby would have decidedly grown up to be a criminal, too.”

Nancy Hartford and the entire CSC collective stated they could not even find the words to respond to the ridiculous and heartless statements of Reinhold. And only questioned if the mother was given a short sentence due to her being white.

“The mother has a chance to be rehabilitated,” said Reinhold. “Six months includes visits from clergymen and from community members that can help her see the error of her ways and turn back to being a proper citizen that does not consort with gang members and drug addicts.”

When pressed for comment Hartford could only respond with “Some people in this world have a sick sense of right and wrong.”

Fast food chain McDonald’s has become the first franchise in its industry to announce its intention to sell weed in outlets across the country. The corporation will apparently begin this new phase in Colorado and Washington, where recreational use of the substance is legal.

“We’ll be stocking over 20 different strains, which is I’m sure very exciting for the public. It will also come in different forms, i.e. joints as well as cooked into certain meals,” head of operations for McDonald’s in Washington told the press. “There’ll of course be conditions attached so as the service is not abused by our customers. For example, the classic marijuana brownies will only be available as part of what we are calling a ‘Super-happy Meal’. Also, blunts will only be sold to those who take advantage of our new-look loyalty cards, available now at a store near you.”

Conservatives around America have condemned McDonald’s, stating that they are using a “legalization which is already killing our country to be even more acceptable and accessible. Now, not only will their food be causing obesity and heart attacks, it will be leading consumers to make irresponsible and impulsive decisions.”

The nation’s stoners have come out in vast numbers in support of the venture.

“Dude, that’s so cool,” said some guy when we informed him of the development. “Now we can get our weed and munchies at the same place and time. That’s one less trip we’ll have to make, one less time we’ll have to leave the basement.”

A few, however, have not been so ‘chilled’.

“Oh God,” said Victor Hashwood. “Now there’s gonna be all sorts of dilettante thinking they’re all cool just because they got weed at McDonald’s. Those sorta dudes don’t even care about the cause. They don’t care about the lifestyle. They just want instant gratification.”

When asked his opinion on how marijuana sales could be regulated to curb this problem, Hashwood looked at us with glazed eyes and said, “Huh?” He then passed his joint to our reporter, who chose to end the interview in a deep discussion about the meaning of existence.