Monday, August 19, 2013

So my home page shows the Dear Abby column and the web site threw up an ad about what women do that ruin relationships.

Now you know the OB isn't going to sit still for that.

So, men. Pay attention.

1. Never bring up the V word the first time you talk to a woman. Never bring up any sex word. You don't know her that well and if you're both drunk, this is going to be a case of coyote ugly. Just walk away.

2. Never talk about how a woman looks if you don't know her name. If she hasn't told you her name, she a) is not interested or b) has already decided you have no chance. You will just come across as creepy and she will hide from you as much as she can until she thinks you have forgotten about her.

3. Alanis Morissette had a really good line in one of her songs: "Enough about me, let's talk about you for a while; enough about you, let's talk about life for a while." Let her talk for a change instead of trying to impress her with you. The more you talk, the less impressed she'll be.

4. When she's talking, LISTEN. Make mental notes of what she says. Look at her. Anybody with half a brain can tell when you're not really listening, and she'll never talk to you again. Or anything else. Wipe that bored look off your face. If you're really that bored, walk away.

5. When she's finished talking, DON'T come back with a criticism or a suggestion. That means you only let her talk long enough to find something wrong with her, and now you're trying to prove your superiority by telling her about it. That's never going to be a relationship, that's going to be a mentally or emotionally abusive situation.

6. When she's finished talking, that's not permission for you to now take over and say all the things you would have said anyway. At the very least, ask her to say more about one thing she just talked about. Can't remember anything? You broke rule 4.

7. When you're with her, DON'T look at other women or talk about them. Later in the relationship, if there is one, this rule still holds but heck, you're a man not a machine. After you look, say "I was trying to figure out why she thinks she's so special when you're around." Or something like that.

8. DON'T phub. The man who can't not play with his toys when he's supposed to be starting a relationship, possibly, isn't going to have any relationships. Same for your big screen TV or your hot car. Did I say "man"? Only boys have irresistible toys. Only boys can't resist showing off their toys.

9. Don't tell her about everything that's wrong in your life. That doesn't say "fix me," that says "loser". You're supposed to be an adult. You're supposed to either fix yourself or take it like a man. Later, if there's a relationship, she may be able to help you with some of those things.

10. If you ask her a question, don't argue with the answer. This goes back to rule 5. I used to work for lawyers and learned from them never to ask a question I didn't really want an answer to. Arguing with the answer is proof you didn't really want an answer, so you really weren't interested in having a conversation. Having conversations is necessary in any relationship and arguing with the answers to questions is just more proof you don't want one or you're not ready for one.

Oh and one more thing. Being rude doesn't prove you're a man, being rude proves you're a bully. You can get a copy of Emily Post free on-line. Get it. Use it.