THE WISDOM OF AMERIGO BONASERA

I believe in America. America has made my fortune. And I raised my daughter in the American fashion. I gave her freedom, but -- I taught her never to dishonor her family. She found a boyfriend; not an Italian. She went to the movies with him; she stayed out late. I didn't protest. Two months ago, he took her for a drive, with another boyfriend. They made her drink whiskey. And then they tried to take advantage of her. She resisted. She kept her honor. So they beat her, like an animal. When I went to the hospital, her nose was a'broken. Her jaw was a'shattered, held together by wire. She couldn't even weep because of the pain. But I wept. Why did I weep? She was the light of my life -- beautiful girl. Now she will never be beautiful again. Sorry... I -- I went to the police, like a good American. These two boys were brought to trial. The judge sentenced them to three years in prison-- suspended sentence. Suspended sentence! They went free that very day! I stood in the courtroom like a fool. And those two bastard, they smiled at me! Then I said to my wife, "for justice, we must go to Don Corleone."

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My girlfriend and I recently had the “List of 5” talk. You know, like the Friends episode, where they each get to make a list of five people who they would be allowed to cheat on their partner with.

So, after my girlfriend rattled off her list –clearly she’s been thinking about this for awhile– of Jason Statham, some baseball player I’d never heard of, etc. etc., she wanted me to give my list.

Now, I must admit I’ve always been a stats nerd. I spend hours studying box scores. I love fantasy football because I can waste an entire summer studying and projecting stats in preparation for our draft. So, when she put me on the spot to name my list of five, I immediately thought I should play the percentages. Instead of picking the five hottest women in all the world, who I will most likely never come within ten miles of, I thought my best strategy would be to pick people I might actually have a chance with.

The personal trainer at my gym with the ass that can crack walnuts.

The bartender at my favorite sports bar with the impossibly long legs.

Your cousin.

Well, apparently that’s not how this game is played. Apparently you are only allowed to put people on your list that you have no chance of actually meeting. In other words, this list is pure fantasy. If you actually met someone on your list of five, got to know them, had a vibe with them, I can pretty much guarantee your significant other would find some loophole to remove them from contention.

But… I’m kinda bored tonight, and I don’t know what else to write about, so I’m going to give you my top candidates for the List of 5. AND I’m going to let you all vote. Top vote-getter is guaranteed a spot on the list. So here goes:

(*Note: All ages, heights and measurements were taken off the internet. I apologize for any mistakes.*)

Since the NFL announced it was becoming a two hand touch league, I’ve been in search of some football where they actually hit people. And lo and behold, I’m pretty sure the Lingerie Football League is now hitting harder than Troy Polamalu is allowed to anymore. Danielle plays for the Chicago Bliss, and if the Bears won’t be playing this fall I guess I’ll jump on the Bliss bandwagon. “Da Bliss” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, but Danielle’s beauty will help me get over that pretty quick I think…

Besides being drop dead gorgeous, how could you not have a great time with crazy Jenny? The girl is such a goof and has such an energetic personality. It would probably drive me nuts after about three days. But for one night? Bring it!

I can already sense people shaking their heads at this one. Remember, this is not my list of girls I want to marry, just hot girls I’d like to spend one night with. Paris is spoiled, high maintenance, sometimes annoying, and possibly has a drug problem. But she’s also smokin’ fuckin’ hot. Just look at those legs. And she banged Brian Urlacher, so you know she’s got good taste.

Just recently discovered Trisha and I have to admit I was instantly smitten. Look at all that sexy ink! And those eyes! She’s blonde and sexy and feminine, but she’s also got a rough edge that I find very appealing. And she’s also a very talented musician, which leads me to believe she would be quite the screamer in the sack.

I think I first fell in love with Elle when I was about 13 years old. And while she’s quite a bit older now and probably won’t be gracing the cover of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition anymore, it’s not just nostalgia when I say she’s still pretty fucking unbelievable. She’s always had such style and class, she looks fantastic in either a bikini or an evening gown.

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Pros: How many people have a chance to hook up with their first fantasy girl?

Cons: Although the accent is quite sexy, and I have absolutely nothing against Australia (definitely one of my top 3 countries), I’m still a nationalistic, jingoistic, belligerantly pro-American.

Not too many short girls make my list, but Danica is a little sparkplug (no, that was not meant to be a racecar joke). She’s smart, intense, sexy and fiery. She’s also a Midwestern girl, which I still find very attractive even after all these years away from home.

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Pros: Anyone that used to being behind the wheel of a racecar probably knows how to take charge. I could handle being ridden like a cheap rental car for a night.

I do love the tall girls. She could probably wrap those legs around me twice. I’m not a big follower of tennis, but she’s a helluva competitor, has fought hard to overcome major shoulder issues. And have you heard the way she grunts??? That kind of intensity would be something to behold in the bedroom.

I am a boxing enthusiast, and as such I have a grudge against most everything related to MMA or UFC. But I’m making an exception for Strikeforce ring girl Kelli Hutcherson. One look and I’m sure you can see why. Hopefully this is just a stepping stone for her to becoming a ring girl for real boxing.

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Pros: Tall, blonde and extremely fit. Clearly a sports fan. (See the effect she has on me, I just referred to ultimate fighting as a “sport.”)

Cons: Think she has any jealous boyfriends in the MMA world? I like to think I’m a fairly tough guy, but I’m pretty certain I’d lose that fight.

Let’s face it, as long as I’m fantasizing I might as well put a porn star on the list. Ricki certainly doesn’t fit my normal type, she’s not tall or blonde or athletic (well, a different kind of athletic I suppose!), but there’s just something about her that gets me goin’. Probably the boobs.

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Pros: 36F. Need I say more?

Cons: After some of the porn cocks she’s had, I might need to strap a board to my ass so I don’t fall in…

I’ve been a big fan of Sarah for a long time. When she was a smokin’ hot lesbian on The L Word, when she was a smokin’ hot cop on Life (great show, wish it hadn’t gotten cancelled), I even saw a little independent film called Shades of Ray because she was in it (surprisingly good, BTW).

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Pros: If you ever saw the way she moved in The L Word no other explanation would be necessary.

Yeah, I like buff girls. And Wendy is chiseled! Look at those abs, those legs, and of course the pierced nipple. She calls herself the Muscle Barbie and it is a truly perfect description. If they made Barbie dolls like her I probably would have played with dolls when I was a kid.

Long before the NFL’s all-time interception leader made her a household name, I was a proud member of the Jenn Sterger fanclub. In fact, when she first appeared on TV during the 2005 Florida State-Miami game in her trademark tank top and cowboy hat I was sold. As she’s become more prominent and her wit and sports knowledge has become more obvious, I’ve only become more obsessed.

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Pros: Seminoles fan. I’ve always liked the ‘Noles, and now that my alma mater has killed their mascot I’ve declared myself a de facto ‘Nole for life.

Cons: Jenn recently had her breast implants removed. Now, I’m not saying that’s a deal breaker; I’m a total shape guy (as you see from the wide range of bust sizes on this list). But not having seen any post-implant pics, I can’t be sure.

No story this time, just some random thoughts that have been buzzing around in my head.

—The Godfather is the greatest movie ever made. It’s not even close, nothing else is even in the same league. They should make a new name for what kind of art The Godfather is, because trying to compare it to other movies is like comparing Michael Jordan’s basketball skills to my rec league’s talent pool. Part II is also in the top 5, and Part III, for all the criticism it receives, is still top 10. Too bad Mario Puzo died before they could complete the story for Part IV. Puzo said in an interview that it would have been similar to Part II, with two storylines, one a continuation of Vincent’s story and the other a flashback to Don Vito’s ascension to power during Prohibition. Who wouldn’t watch that?

–Why are Indian mascots the only ones that are considered offensive? What about Vikings, Spartans and Trojans?

–Ray Lewis killed a man and still gets TV endorsements. Maybe Old Spice should change their marketing slogan to, “We can even get the smell of blood off you.”

–No woman has ever been able to make me climax from just a blow job. And yet, I consider the BJ to be the most important skill a woman can possess in the bedroom.

–I am the Cleveland Browns of fantasy football. I’ve won a championship but it was so long ago no one remembers it.

Yeah it looks like a shithole, but it's a great place to drink at 3am.

–It’s an insult to call Reno a poor man’s Las Vegas. An insult to Vegas, that is. Las Vegas is paradise on earth, a bastion of sin and depravity and debauchery. Reno is a mid-sized city with a couple casinos. But if you ever find yourself in Reno, I suggest a bar called Tonic. It’s an easy cab ride from the casinos and it’s open long past when the casino bars shut down. One night in Tonic I was witness to an amazing trifecta. My boss was making out with a guy who wasn’t her boyfriend. Another co-worker was making out with a guy who wasn’t her fiancee. And my lesbian friend Shane was making out with a guy who wasn’t a girl. I’ll let you figure out which of those three lucky guys I was…

–Why are Indian mascots the only ones that are considered offensive? What about Cowboys, Miners and Lumberjacks?

–How did we survive before cell phones? I’m not even talking about the convenience of having a phone on you at all times, for emergenices or being able to make changes to your plans on the fly, yada yada yada. Forget all that crap. I mean how did we survive before drunk texting? And before I call send pictures of my penis to girls? Not to mention being able to avoid assholes at work by simply whipping out your cell phone and pretending to talk to someone?

–I love freckles but moles feak me out. I know, it’s a fine line, and I couldn’t explain it to you if I had to. But freckles on a girl are hot, especially on the cleavage. Moles on the other hand… well, I swear they start talking to me when I’m drunk.

–I was a Jenn Sterger fan long before that douchebag Brett Favre made her famous.

Jenn Sterger

–The first four girls I slept with all had names that started with the letter S. For a long time I thought I was cursed. My game is bad enough as it is, if you cut my odds to 1/26th I might as well just give up.

–I’m not afraid of dying alone. But drinking alone depresses me.

–The only movie I’ve ever cried at is Rocky III. How could it not break your heart when Mick is dying in the locker room while Rocky is getting bludgeoned by Clubber Lang? And then after the fight when Balboa, bloodied and beaten, lies to Mick in his last moments, telling him he won? If that doesn’t get to you then you’re some kind of robot.

–Why are Indian mascots the only ones that are considered offensive? What about Canucks, Ragin’ Cajuns and Fightin’ Irish?

–I might just be the world’s biggest Jewel fan. Go ahead, laugh all you want. I’ve heard it all before and I don’t care. Jewel’s music is magical. I’ve seen her in concert seven times (and it’d be more if I hadn’t moved to End Of The World, UT), and I have approximately 250 Jewel songs on my iPod. I know, it doesn’t exactly fit with all my stories of drinking, swearing and attempted fornicating. What can I say, I’m a complicated man.

–Muhammed Ali is the most overrated fighter in boxing history, and possibly the most overrated athlete ever. (And no, I’m not just saying that because I hate draft dodgers and Muslim terrorists.) Everyone talks about how Ali beat Joe Frazier two out of three times, but they never mention that both boxers were pretty much washed up and at the end of their careers for the last two fights. In the only fight that truly matters, the first one, when both fighters were undefeated, Frazier beat Ali soundly, nearly knocking him out in the 15th round and winning on all three scorecards. Smokin’ Joe is the greatest fighter of that era, it’s not even up for debate.

–In the first 30 years of my life the extent of my criminal record consisted of one speeding ticket. That’s it. But then I moved to Utah. Within 3 months I had been arrested for DUI (later plead down to reckless driving, thank you very much.) Then I got a public urination. Oh yeah, and I’ve gotten another speeding ticket. If I stay here in Mormonland much longer I’ll have to stop making jokes about Ray Lewis.

–I’m not really into lesbian porn. I like to see hot girls getting fucked by guys. Some people might think that’s gay. But my fantasy is to fuck a busty blonde pornstar, not watch her fuck another girl (not that that would be all that bad either).

–The greatest line in movie history comes from V for Vendetta: “People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.”

–Why are Indian mascots the only ones that are considered offensive? What about Friars, Demon Deacons and Crusaders?

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THE WISDOM OF DOUG STANHOPE

They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish.... then he's gotta get a fishing license. But he doesn't have any money. So he's got to get a job and get into the Social Security system and pay taxes, and now you're gonna audit the poor cocksucker, 'cause he's not really good with math. So he'll pull the IRS van up to your house, and he'll take all your shit. He'll take your black velvet Elvis and your Batman toothbrush, and your penis pump, and that all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you because you forgot to carry the one, 'cause you were just worried about eating a fucking fish, and you couldn't even cook the fish 'cause you needed a permit for an open flame. Then the Health Department is going to start asking you a lot of questions about where are you going to dump the scales and the guts. 'This is not a sanitary environment.' And ladies and gentlemen, if you get sick of it all at the end of the day... it's not even legal to kill yourself in this country.