Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Full stop

A friend told me this about Jay last night, "He's done you the favor of making things interesting." I guess I should say thank you. The same friend pointed out that there is one who pursues and one who runs away. He suggested that if I stop pursuing, Jay might come after me. I took issue with the characterization of my actions as "pursuit."

Who am I kidding? My attitude is that of a pursuer. An uncertain pursuer even, which is about as unattractive as it gets.

Even before I had that conversation, I started to get it. Yesterday, I reached out to a couple of friends I haven't seen in a while. I knew I needed my own life to be full and happy so I wouldn't have time to wait for Jay.

This morning I decided I'm not going to be the pursuer anymore. I'm here, I'm available. I'm ready for him. In the meantime, I'll be out living my life and meeting other guys and spending time with my friends.

I have to admit, I was terribly bored and discouraged before the recent drama with Jay. Evidence? I started passive internet dating. I joined the kickball league. The time was right for me to get caught up in something.

Usually, right about now, I'd be wishing I didn't care and saying that it doesn't matter. But I do care. Maybe it does matter. But I know I'll be fine no matter what. I still like him, but I won't be suffering anymore on his account. I'm going to make this easy on me. I'm going to let go and accept whatever happens.

If this all sounds a bit too good to be true, it is. It's almost how I feel and it's certainly how I would like to feel. Maybe it's easy to give up because I don't think he's going to call me. THAT would be too good to be true. It's hard to imagine anything ever working out. Wow. Let's not get too depressed all of a sudden. Boys have called before. Boys will call again. Patience. No one said it was going to be easy.