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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The living of one's dream

I just completed the first rotation of my Pediatric Intern
year. Orientation was a whirlwind of events including computer trainings,
mixers, a scavenger hunt, and Pediatric Advanced Life Support sessions.

I pumped when I could and if my infant son hadn’t gone on an
expressed milk strike, I am not sure that I would have been able to keep up
with his demand. My husband and I found our rhythm somewhere toward the end of
my first week of work and thankfully, Zo has started drinking the bottles that
I so diligently work to pump 3-4 times while we are apart.

Orientation ended in a flurry and thus began Intern Year. I
must admit that I feel like a failure on the home front at least once a week.
From not having enough time to help keep the house clean to hearing the baby
cry when I am on my way out of the door, the things that send me into a you are
a horrible wife/mother frenzy are never ending. Most of these episodes involve
tears. Most of them end in me realizing that I am doing the best that I can and
that my best is pretty darn good. Yes, my home may not be immaculately
organized but it’s clean. We have clean clothes to wear and there are probably
only 2 or 3 Cheerios on the kitchen floor. But most importantly the floor is
clean enough for my toddler to eat them when he feels the need to have a snack.
Yes, that is a huge win!

Now about the crying. I cringe when I hear Zo crying in
general. But the crying that begins when I am leaving the house is a trillion
times worse because I don’t have time to soothe him and I leave for work
feeling extremely guilty and stressed out. Thankfully, my husband, now a
temporary stay-at-home dad, has gotten extremely good at being Zo’s back
rubber/ soother/distraction guru. Zo hasn’t cried when I leave since
orientation because he’s either still asleep or he’s happily distracted.

More important than my once a week failure-fest, at least
once a day, I feel pretty freaking awesome. Whether it’s seeing the smiling
faces of my family as I arrive home or allaying fears that a patient’s family
has had, my life is pretty amazing. I have worked extremely hard to get to this
point and now I am a real-life doctor.

Hearing myself be called Dr. Mommabee is like music to my
ears. The first few times I was freaked out but now it sounds good!

Every day I get a chance to learn and enhance my
understanding of the human body, pharmacology (which, as a Med Student, I
absolutely hated and struggled to understand but now totally respect), and
diagnosis. Every day, I am challenged to be a better patient educator, a more
efficient diagnostician, a better human being. Every day I am able to share
something that I have learned as Zo’s mother that has the potential to make
another person’s life better. Every day I realize that I work with an amazing
and very talented group of Attendings, Co-Interns, upper level Residents, Nurse
Practitioners, and Respiratory Therapists.

Thanks for the comments. @patient bunny: thanks! I sure hope it keeps getting better. @doubly doctored, glad to hear that I am not alone. There are other mommy-residents in my resident cohort but we don't get to vent as much as I'd like.

Hey... therei'm in anesthesia residency with a five month old baby. As an intern in medicine, i was able to pump more often, and can define my hours of pumping (lunch, before round etc). Now as an anesthesia resident, i can only pump when someone gives me a break from OR.... my baby is 5 months old..... everyday, i question myself of why i'm a doctor, why can't i be just a mom?? You are not alone! keep it strong!

Mothers in Medicine is a group blog by physician-mothers, writing about the unique challenges and joys of tending to two distinct patient populations, both of whom can be quite demanding. We are on call every. single. day.

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