Thursday, December 05, 2013

Nothing

I spent the last week in Seattle mostly not fighting with my mother. We had a few tense moments but we got through it ok. I saw the two friends I always see and none of the ones that I half thought about seeing. Mom wants me to move back. I don’t object. A question is whether my new job could be transported to the west coast. I spent a lot of time working. All but one day, I put in time writing an editing a report. When I’d done as much of that as possible, I read an article. I meant to do more, but that was about what I could handle. I thought about writing for the blog, but I couldn’t quite do it.

Each morning, I would take the dog for a walk—usually pretty short but a couple of times about 30 minutes. Then we’d stop for coffee—I took him into the coffee shop and he sat at my feet and made friends with everyone else. I had a coffee and sometimes a biscotti and sometimes nothing. I usually brought the computer and did a little work. I would continue the work back at Mom’s at least for a little while. I didn’t do my PT exercises in any regimented way but I did a couple here and there, at least one or two a day. Not enough.

Ah, boys. There is a story about a boy but it’s pretty boring. I had a date with someone the day before I went home for Thanksgiving. We had a good email exchange before we met. He’s a happy good natured person, which is very attractive. When we met, he was much as I expected. We got along well, but I didn’t feel drawn to him, though he was pleasant and easy to talk to. I got nervous because I could tell he was more attracted to me than I was to him—and I talked even more. When we wrapped up, it was raining very hard and he offered me a ride home, which I accepted. At the car, he tried to kiss me. I had to say no. Also, during the date, he was touching my hand and my leg a lot. I guess if I’d liked him, I wouldn’t have minded. I did have to stop him a couple of times. (Reading this, I realize he was too aggressive, but it wasn't threatening.)

Since I’ve been away, he’s texted me once or twice a day. I always responded and we exchanged a few lines. That was it. Once or twice I initiated the conversation. But why? I don’t know if I can force myself to like him though I wish I could. One thing I don’t know if I can get over is that he decided, irrevocably, not to have children when he was in his late 20s. Could we really have common ground? I mean, I get that not everyone wants kids—and clearly some people have always known that about themselves. But, people do change their minds and he didn’t give himself that option. I have always wanted kids…and even if it doesn’t happen for me, adoption could, step-kids could, but not with this guy, not ever. Is that who I really want to be with?

All this non-dating is bringing me down. It feels so hopeless. My romantic life can’t be over, can it? Am I really fated to be single forever? I guess there are worse things.

I am hoping that with the new job, which so far is delightful, I will be a happier person and that alone will make meeting people and getting out there easier. We shall see!

3 comments:

I've known probably since college that I didn't want kids, but I never did anything about it, and my husband hasn't done anything either. I don't think I'll ever change my mind but I guess the option is still there, though getting less likely every passing year. I think that if you probably want kids, if he definitely doesn't, that's a perfectly reasonable deal-breaker. Anon11

A belated congratulations about the move. It won't be a panacea, but I suspect that, as when I moved from a very bad boss to a very good one, gradually everything will start to look better. I think your last paragraph is spot on.

Hmm...it is his choice then, if he wanted or not wanting kids...but maybe it has changed? Being a woman, having kids is very important, so it's possible that his confession of never wanting children created a barrier in your mind.

Maybe you should have a chat with him about it, to see if he's still open to changing his mind (assuming you'd like to pursue something with him)...if not...move on...