Gold Pills Makes You Poop Gold

By Ben PopkenDecember 14, 2010

Now you can make your own Golden Poo trophies at home with the line of Gold Pills by Citizen:Citizen. For just $425, these 24k gold leaf filled capsules will “turn your innermost parts into chambers of wealth.”

The price tag is a little steep, and the product page says it’s temporarily unavailable, so why not just take some shots of gold glitter instead?

I was wondering when someone was going to say that and you’re right. But of course some numnut will take it regardless of knowing this or will take it and say, “I didn’t know”. There was some Egyptian queen that was found in her mummified state with a belly full of gold because apparently they drank liquid gold back in those days. It’s figured the gold killed her.

One of the many things we take for granted in the modern world is the knowledge that consuming furniture polish generally has a deleterious effect on one’s state of health. For all the great feats of engineering accomplished by the ancient egyptians, proper EHS labeling was apparently missed.

Finally, something that can turn the video with the two lovely ladies and the single, solitary cup from a fringe fetishist shock video into an upper crust, haute couture affair. Top hats, monocles, and a smattering of golden chocolate gelato for all!

For what reason could one possibly want to make their poop gold? I can think of absolutely no situation where my response would be “then I could eat some gold pills and make gold poop.”

I swear to god, if Osama bin Laden were standing next to me with an AK-47 to my head and said “Eat these pills. They leave trace bits of gold in your stool,” I would probably still just look at him and be all like, “wha?” I mean, that dude is crazy, crazy I tell you! And STILL–I cannot imagine him wanting his poop to be flecked with gold.

What would one do with this? I mean, OK. You’ve dropped a fry cook’s ransom on gold pills, you’ve waited the requisite, what? Ten, twelve hours, then headed into the john for a satisfying dump. And there you stand, finger on the lever looking into the bowl. What is the feeling you have? Satisfaction? Relief? That happens without the gold.

I don’t mean to be crass, but do you take it back? How are you doing anything but flushing 400 bucks worth of gold down the toilet after an exciting little detour? Do you tell your friends? Facebook it? I mean, I have never considered this idea, ever, but it seems like it would be cheaper to just photoshop that shit.

Relax. people who have this much money don’t see anything as a waste of money because there is just so much of it. Teresa Heinz once paid about $10,000 to have a fire hydrant moved because it was in front of her favorite parking spot at some store.

Monatomic Gold! Monatomic! Not actual metallic gold! Sparkly poo means it went in one end and out the other! At least with monatomic gold, you can’t tell if it’s really causing superconductivity between the nerve endings in your brain or not.