A rare character defined by his colossal mass and wealth of useless information which covers every topic that you don't want to hear about. Talents include reciting entire URL addresses and quoting from 'How I Met Your Mother'. Despite his lack of ability with maths, Mikes in general are renowned for their superior skill in monitoring debts to the exact penny. Talents do not include knowing how to shit properly, a basic human function he seems to struggle with more than showering. This leads to a smell so pungent it could kill the smell of a dead animal, as well as said dead animal - which will probably have shit smeared on it, in the same fashion as his door/bathroom wall/bathroom door handle/everything in bathroom apart from bowl. Eating habits include everything that is processed and chemically engineered, although the species of Mike may occasionally advance to feasting upon 'peanut butter and jelly sandwiches', one of the many Americanisms he has adopted. Mikes may be falsely recognised as slugs, a species that share similar qualities with Mikes; however, it is unlikely that one may spot a Mike as they rarely emerge from the dark dank recesses of their beds. There are several matings calls used by Mikes, which vary from the 'How I Met Your Mother' theme tune to the sound of the fridge door opening; more often than not, it is the sound of an unsuspecting taxpayer opening his/her wallet, or withdrawing money from a cashpoint which attracts a Mike to a prospective victim.

Person 1: Hey Mike, hows thi..
A Mike: YOU OWE ME £2.74!!!!!

Person 1: ings?

Person 1: I laughed so hard I shat myself
Person 2: Yeah it was so funny I Miked everywhere.

Person 1: Urgh, I had such a Mike day today
Person 2: What did you do?
Person 1: Played dead for 14 hours.

A pathetic, sad, lonely guy who over-compensates for his short stature by endlessly spewing word excrement out of his mouth every chance he gets. Mike is an insincere, insecure narcissist who acts like he is very intelligent and caring, but really is just stupid. And he can't get girls because he's fat and ugly. The only redeemable features of him are his decent dick and his extensive list of things that are easy to make fun of.

"Hey that guy over there looks OK I guess"
"No..he totally looks like a Mike. He is so short! And he won't stop talking to us.."

A sexy, egotistical man who is more in love with himself than the girlfriend he's been with and loved for ages. A narcissus but with good reason. An intelligent man with a nice big cock. The guy you'll fall madly in love with but no matter how much he says he's yours, you'll never have his complete and total love and commitment because there is one other person he's committed to and that's himself. And no matter how much he might try to make it seem like you come first, he'll always have that bit of apathy to you, that bit of not caring what you have to say. A Mike is a man who likes to be the one talking and has no regard for your words, except for on very few occasions. Despite all this, he is everything and anything you've ever wanted.

Marianna was madly in love with this guy; this guy said he loved her back but never completely showed his love for her like his love for himself. This guy was a mike.