My continued journey of my struggle with anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia. From start to current progress, overcoming obstacles and hopefully helping a few others that suffer from this problem.
As I get better along my journey my blogs are turning more to outdoor adventures, life adventures, things I am doing now or want to do that were never in my vocabulary 5 years ago.

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Monday, December 2, 2013

Well, didn't feel like blogging much for last 4-5 days, thanks to my Dad, we had a really nasty cold since last Tuesday, so the Thanksgiving holidays basically sucked, hunting was out of the picture as well as just trying to get off the couch to pee. Couldn't hardly taste any of Grandma's thanksgiving meal. And we left for Burlington on Friday morning, which I slept through most of the trip home.

I am in charge of the turkey for the Burlington clan, even though I felt crappy yet, we're still fielding calls on how wonderful the turkey was hehe.

So anyway, today starting to feel better I guess, light cough yet, and weak as heck, Jeanne still going through the same crap, but she doesn't sound as bad as I did, so maybe she got lucky and didn't get the full force of it. The bad thing also is, we gave it to Grandma Eva, which really sucks, I hate to see her get any kind of illness. Not that I want anyone else to get this nasty cold from us, but sharing is better than giving right???

But, Thor and I are back in the big town. Since mid-September, I don't think I've spent more than a week total here. Really is nice to get back for awhile. Dad and I needed a break I think. We're too much alike in a lot of ways, and as well as we get along these days, it's almost like Siamese twins after awhile, and you just need to separate somehow.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Gun season is here weeeee. I look forward to the first hour of gun season and that's it. Don't have enough deer the way it is, and so many people just kill and kill and kill. The saying of "if it's brown it's down" just sucks I hate it. Too many hunters see brown no matter what size the deer and just kill and kill. Then wonder why we have no deer around anymore. Idiots.

Well opening day I saw a lot of does and fawns and a couple small bucks, but don't need the meat really, only going to shoot a trophy buck, but at least I saw deer. Sadly most the deer I saw are probably dead now.

But whew was it freezing cold as heck both Saturday and Sunday. Wow it was cold, then today we got 2.5 inches of the white stuff and still cold as heck out. Only thing nice about that frigid temperature is not many guys are out and about that's for sure. At least that will save some deer. Hope the snow leaves soon, makes gun hunting way too easy for everyone to see the deer, track the deer etc etc.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Been a few days since I've posted. Been so busy hunting and running around just haven't taken the time. Soon as you get done hunting in the morning, time you get 14 layers of clothes off from trying to keep warm and dry, you are ready for a nap. But then just when you wanna do that, you are hungry, make breakfast then you are really sleepy. Sit down for a bit, relax food coma sets in, stand up to take a nap, then another hunter friend stops in to chat. One friend leaves someone else stops by, pretty soon, it's lunch time. Phones ringing, more people stop by. next thing you know it's 3 o'clock and time to get ready for hunting again.

I tell you this hunting for food is work!! The cavemen did indeed have it nice without having to worry about phone calls, and they probably just speared anyone that stopped by to say "hello" when it was nap time. Then they had more food. Hmmm.

Anyway, hunting is still great fun, the deer stands are still tough at times, a few of them seem to be great for my brain to handle, some not so much. But having killed 2 deer already. I'm pretty good on meat for the winter into spring, so the pressure is off on that, now I can just wait for a "real buck" been a long time, I want a big one. Gun hunting doesn't count that much in my book, too easy.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Didn't even notice until today, but getting in stand and staying in the stands is getting easier and easier, feel much more comfortable. So that's a huge upside, downside is, can't get any good sized bucks to actually make an appearance at least close enough to shoot anyway, getting frustrated. Dad and I saw all kinds of bucks running around this morning, 3 only had one antler , one side missing, we have some really crappy bucks around here.

I did see one that was an actual shooter but of course he was hot on a does butt, 150 yards away and wanted nothing to do with me, and that buck had a forky behind him, and then a button buck got on his tail. pretty funny. Saw a ton of big Turkey gobblers come by this morning also. So we sat in the same spots tonight, figured they'd still be chasing that doe around in there tonight. But we both blanked, not a darn thing moving anywhere. What a boring night.

Went for a cruise around Josh's hunting area with Jason the other night, and only saw 124 deer, and about 15 bucks 4 really nice ones. *sigh* wish we had that kind of deer around. Couldn't even drive down the road, there was deer walking right down the road, crossing everywhere, laying five feet off the road, it was insane. Haven't seen 124 deer since beginning of bow season around Argyle combined, maybe half that. Let alone ONE night of driving around.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Nice seeing the white stuff falling for a little while, but go away hehe. sure is pretty out though. Fun on deer stand, you can see everything so much clearer and further. But alas, I didn't see a darn thing tonight. Everyone else did that hunts with us saw a bunch, but not me what the heck. And it was a frigid night on stand for sure. My butt kept freezing to the seat on the stand. Wind howling, looked like a great night after a storm moving through but not for me.

Anyway, last 4 days been up and down, have a good day then bad day , rinse repeat. Today been great, but the deer stands been winning, well I shouldn't say that. right now we're even 2 to 2. Made it through two nights without having to get out and relax on the ground for a bit, other two nights I was up and down several times, those nights of course would explain lack of seeing anything at all, not tonight, was real good. This morning same. But first night back I was a mess, I was up and down 5 times and never did settle down. Oh well, I'll keep fighting.

Stayed in the camper last 3 nights, however, tonight and at least tomorrow I'm going to chicken out, down to zero windchill and windy, the furnace works good, but propane isn't that cheap after awhile, so I'll just have to go inside for a couple nights then back out. Just love it in that little camper. Quiet, peace of mind, no phones ringing. Peaceful. Except the 20 mph winds shaking the thing all over.

Thought a couple random pictures were needed lol

OK, so roads were looking a little slick today, talked Jeanne into staying until tomorrow, she'll make the trek back to Burlington for a while, I'll stay here and keep trying to find my "good" buck. Yeah I shot two little ones, but hey, I haven't shot a deer in 15 years, I'm entitled I think to thinning the herd a bit right?

I'm good on meat now, two deer will get me through winter and then some, so I don't really need another one, BUT I really want to shoot a good buck, been too long.

Been and interesting year, lots of ups and downs and breakthroughs. No set backs worth even mentioning. Can't wait for the next year to see what challenges I can tackle.

Anyway, mostly just been hunting and pushing myself more than I should probably, but nothing ventured nothing gained.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

At least the gas prices dropped!!! $3.07 in Burlington!! Was $3.09 earlier, maybe dropping more? we can hope so. But after only a few days back in B-town, yes original home of Tony Romo, go Packers. We're heading back to Argyle for more hunting. Not sure why exactly, I got 2 deer, don't need another, can't afford to have another cut up anyway geez. But I love just being out in the woods, so long not being able to, just can't get enough of it.

In the meantime, back in Burlington, been hunting every morning and night, even went out for a hour or so during noontime. And yep, saw bucks then too. Love the RUT! Called in 2 bucks today at 11:00 am. One small forky and a year and a half ten pointer. They shall live on.

But the highlight of the week was definitely Tuesday night hunting. I had moved my trail camera the day before, and had found an OK tree to climb up in about 14 feet or so, that was right on a nice trail. And the trail cam had said, yep good spot buddy, one nice buck several small ones and a few does just in a few hours after I set it up there.

That said, I set out for the nights hunt, really looking forward to it, had my deer scent on, back pack full of essentials, bow in hand, ready for one of those monsters I know lurk nearby, and really want one of those so badly, just don't see those often around Argyle. And I have at least 3 that are 3 of the biggest I've ever seen.

So, tree steps screwed in one by one, slowly I climb to the next tree step to screw in, get the 5th one in the tree, carefully set my bow on one of the limbs. Then I grabbed on to the top tree step, my foot sturdily.... well I thought sturdy, started to pull myself up, and I hear a "pop" and next thing I know I dropped about 10 feet and was on the ground before I had a clue what was going on, all I knew was I had some pains that I didn't 2 seconds ago. All I knew at that moment was I wasn't in the tree any longer.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Well, it was time to head back to see my "other" family for a while, needed a break was wearing myself out constant going going "hunting" I know it seems like it's just playing around, but dang I was getting pooped out, and stressed from constant bombardment of people everywhere you turned, kids yelling and kicking, dogs running crazy. Chaos. Sleep in the camper, retreat to the camper, helped a lot. But now back in Burlington for a few days, I MISS MY CAMPER!!

Fresh air and cool weather, even the bed was great, I see why those things are loved by so many, home away from home I tell you!

But it was time to get back for a few apparently sleepless nights, I slept maybe 2 hours all night, and what I did manage in sleep was constant very odd dreams. I think I may have missed some regularly scheduled meds I should have taken? Don't feel sick, so that's what I'm going to have to go with.

Was nice getting greeted by my baby Thor after 10 days away from my little buddy. You would think I was gone for a year the way I was greeted, he nearly bent himself in half wiggling his way to me, then I was mauled with a face lapping and whining for 15 minutes. Brings a smile to your heart. Never know he'd got his "boy parts" taken from him 11 days before, never changed a bit, but I still feel bad for him.

On a different note, after seeing such huge bucks around Argyle. And so many deer running everywhere I just had to get away to smaller bucks and less deer.. ...... .. Ok Ok.. sarcasm filter didn't catch that one. Can't believe how little deer we have and the DNR says kill em all there is thousands!!! Well our game cameras tell a different story! But we do have 200 acres of standing corn for them to hide in. Would be seeing more without that still up. But it will save the deer and give them places to hide on our farm.But Burlington.... this is another reason I "needed" and "wanted" to come back for a little.

No not this one, the time on clock didn't change for daylights saving time. I was checking my camera in hopes of getting a picture of the guy below this. But there was deer out feeding, so I just pulled my camera out quick and didn't spook the deer.

Now, THIS is a deer, I've seen him and his 2 buddies several times, but never close enough to get a shot. In case you are wondering? Yeah that is a big son of a buck. And one of his buddies is bigger, one just a tad smaller.

And of course one of our nuisance neighbors, there is a ton of coyotes around here.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Well, been busy last few days for sure, weather not cooperating to say the least, rainy, windy, crappy. unusually warm, then unusually cold? Welcome to Wisconsin right?

Loki and I been staying in the pop up camper every night for last 8 days rain or shine, cold or warm, and I usually sleep like a baby in there, not sure if it's fresh air that is helping or peace and quiet, or all the above, whatever the medicine it's providing is well worth the chilly nights.

I drug myself out of bed for another early morning hunt a couple days ago, and wind was blowing, light rain falling and really really foggy out, could say maybe 50 yards, that actually continued until about 4 pm in the afternoon. But this morning I was dragging my butt big time, but I just knew it would be a good morning to be out in the woods, however I did not feel like walking too awful far and with yet another east window my options were limited anyway. My brain needed a break from treestands so I set out for the woods right next to my dad's house. maybe a hundred or so yard walk to where I usually set up my burlap ground blind.

As the early daylight finally set in from the East, the birds started chirping, mostly the annoying blue jays, but that can be a good sign deer are moving. Our friendly female cat that sticks by the house also apparently thought it was a good morning to go out hunting as I heard a slight rustle in the weeds behind me, I slowly turned to see the cat zoom by me 2 feet away and scared the crap out of me. Well, ok I'm awake now, thank you very very much. Now the world was alive, I knew I was, and every chipmunk, squirrel and bird was having a good old party.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

And I must say it isn't going well. But I am getting worn out quick. Thing is, trying to hunt only out of tree stands, and it's really rough on me, I can relax to a point, as long as I can hang on to something but that makes it hard to shoot, I don't know if it's just fear or it's something to do with my medication also? I just don't know, but some of the stands just aren't easy to sit in. But it's really wearing me out, it's constant adrenaline pushing through me the entire stand time no matter what, let alone when a deer starts to come him, your heart starts pounding a bit more on top of everything else.

No matter how little or big a deer is, when they come in, the excitement or more so the enjoyment of seeing them coming in so close is always there, why it's so much fun. And work. But having to stay so still, and move so slow and quiet, that wears on you with your adrenaline pushing through. I'm about all in by the time I get done with hunting each time, takes me a while to calm down when I get back home.

Then Dr. Lance G hits a huge body nice buck, with his stone tipped arrow, so we have to miss the Packer game to help him trail his buck over by Brodhead, got to bed at 2 am. that hurt, didn't hunt that morning hehe. But was so nice to help Lance find his great buck! That's the only thing I'd miss watching a packer game for!

But it's been non stop goin going gone. Dragging deer out, getting up early, going to bed late, and now time change is coming up soon, which will screw us up more and more. Get up at 4 am yuck. And this week we'll have 5 or 6 more people staying at Dad's so it's going to be a madhouse non stop, and other friend hunters stopping in, no rest for the weary I guess. Feel like the walking dead, I guess I'm glad it's not in the Rockies going up and down those hills!

Sunday, October 27, 2013

The deer hunt continues, and they are moving around, but so much corn yet, they mostly aren't coming out til after dark. But a couple nights ago, I no longer got into stand and here comes a little buck, tiny one, spike on one side and forked points on the other, nice size deer, but just not what I want, at least not right at this moment.

Well he fed through and back into the corn he went 20 yards away and slipped out of sight. And I'm finally braving sitting up in the deer stands, I'm not comfortable but I'm making It through the day and night stands without having to get out for a while so I can breathe again. But anyway, another 15 minutes passed and here comes another buck, and he's a MONSTER!! Nice body deer, but little spikes on the little guy, I videoed him for 6 minutes, and I kept grunting him back in and again right under my stand, it was not yet his time to end up in the freezer.

While the little buck still looking for the grunt origin, here comes a big doe from the other direction, and I'm turned the wrong way to shoot her and I want here badly! She was clueless coming in, had no idea I was there, but I had to turn around completely to shoot her, and while turning as quiet as I can, my boot clipped part of the stand and clanged, and off she went, and I was NOT happy to say the least, would of been a 10 yard easy shot.

So my frustrations just turned to that poor little buck that was still around and looking for whatever was grunting at him, and I let out another series of grunts, and here he comes again, just to my east 7 yards, as I drew back my Longbow he came into a perfect shooting lane, I decided it's time for some meat and let fly, the arrow struck true, easily a lung hit, as he crashed through the brush to the east.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Well, Thor made it through his "procedure" but due to the loss of his manhood he's a good 5 pounds lighter I swear, he "was" a well built pup. Poor little guy, I was so sick to my stomach all day, then seeing the whining drunk puppy staring at me through the cage didn't help me any. And apparently he wasn't any too happy with the two ladies at the vets office, he wouldn't let them anywhere near him. But the vet who did the surgery he had no trouble with, go figure.

Anyway, heart kind of sinks as I led him out of the vet's office as he staggered around like a drunkard, then he kept forgetting what he was doing when he had to go potty. Lift his leg and just stand there dopey eyed. Then of course he wanted to jump up in the truck, didn't really want him to do that, but think he'd listen? Nope. Whining off and on all night, would hardly sleep, just laid in secure spots and stared blankly off into space. Could hardly get a tail wag out of the little guy.

Loki was even bringing his prized toys and dropping them right by Thor off and on all night. "here buddy, this will help, they did this to me also".

The next morning however, GAME ON! He was raring to go and back to normal trouble causing little turd. Wanted to run all over jumping and playing like mad, me chasing him trying to get the little guy to calm down and not rip out his stitches. Had to send him back to Burlington with Jeanne in hopes of him calming down without Loki and I to play with for a few days.

Apparently that's not going so well either hehe. He's not used to being away from me at all. And misses Loki quite a bit also when they are apart.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

My poor little puppy went in to the vet today to get his manhood chopped off. Almost eight months old, I feel so bad for him, had a stomach ache all day worrying about him. He could tell something was up, he didn't want to go into the vet's office at all, and just loved having me try to put him in the cage to await his manhood demise. I had to get out of there, he was so scared and nothing I am gonna be able to do for him now, I'm sure he was and is going to feel worse than I do for him, but at the time and now it doesn't feel like it. Poor baby. I mean Thor not me.

I even took a picture to remember him by.

Yes I know I'm not right in the head, deal with it!! hehe.

Have to move on from that instead of dwelling on it. Oh yeah forgot, ate in a restaurant for the first time since my major panic attack trying to eat at one in the Dells. And came through with no issues at all, and stuffed my little belly full. Nice to have small victories in the battle now and then.

Loki right now also seems to be a bit, well not sure, he seems almost happy that Thor isn't here to pick on him, but at same time he's wondering where his buddy is. When we came out of the vet's office, he looked at me like "umm dad you forgot something, right?" He kind of watched the office out of the back window as we drove off, but doesn't take him long to figure out what's going on. "dad you did that to me once, and I will never forget". *chomp*.

Been steadily deer hunting in the ever growing colder temperatures, windy and cold. But the deer are slowly starting to get into their breeding season. Dad and I sat in a ground blind together last night on one of our food plots. Winds were howling at about 20 mph, I figured we wouldn't see a darn thing, but we ended up seeing a doe and fawn within 15 minutes, and saw a deer coming from a different direction the entire time we were on stand. Ended up being an odd and wild night of hunting.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Leaves turned quickly and are falling like rain, cold windy and rainy out, only thing this temperature is good for is HUNTING!! Thank God I can do that again, every day I feel so lucky to be able to be out and be able to hunt again, especially without having to have a babysitter. And Jeanne is thankful that I don't need her to baby sit me constantly.

As much as I loved hunting and fishing, that is what I've missed the most in my long struggle is that ability to do it whenever I wanted to, and have that taken away from me was so hard. Now I can actually have a resemblance of normalcy back into why crazy world.

On a different note. My Grandma had a nice birthday party for Amber and Dan's youngest today, her first birthday! Nice time getting to see them as well as getting to chat with Phil and Jill again, really enjoy listening to their stories and my Dad just loves them do death. Hopefully can get to see them more often. Good friends, good health good times. And of course I have to play the creepy older step-brother to Amber which I know she adores.

So, we gained a few extra unwanted pounds, now back down to Dad's house and I'm putting up some patchwork insulation in my pop up camper so I don't freeze my tootsies off as the weather drops again tonight into the low 30's. Last night was all right. It does have a propane furnace which works well enough. Installed smoke detector and carbon monoxide testers, but I won't have the luxury of that heater if we camp this time of year where there is no electricity, so I'm trying to get by without using that. Using emergency blankets to cover the windows, blankets to section off both pop up bed sections, layering on another set of blankets on top and under the sleeping bags.

It's windy and cold out now, and was nice and toasty warm, but not 30 degree "warm" so we'll see how tonight goes :).

Ok, hunting. again I know right? I'll keep it simple, sat in a ground blind, saw an enormous doe and her fawn again, but they just don't like coming anywhere near our blind. Have to rethink that location of the blind I believe.

Moving on for now. Did dream I shot an African Lion and a doe last night on the farm, which I thought was odd? And was dreaming I was back selling real estate again. I really miss that job, loved it. Felt horrible having to basically call in "sick" to my manager one late night, and say I just couldn't continue on because of this anxiety crap. My living was gone. I missed 3 years of the best real estate buying and selling there ever was and probably ever will be again.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Happened to think of a few more things the doctor had told me. Found interesting and made a lot of sense and made things a little more clear for me. Of course the part I wasn't real happy with was the fact that it could take all of the 10 years I lost to this wonderful issue to regain complete control of my life again, or it may take longer, or sooner, It's a crapshoot at best. But one of the things was he said, that anxiety and panic are one of the most painful "diseases" for lack of a better word, that there is. It has no real symptoms per say. It's the invisible pain, no one can see it.

The example he based on similar like for like, is depression, you can see a lot in people when they suffer depression, the signs are very evident if you look. The sulking, the lack of get up and go, hanging your head, no interest in things anymore, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere, and he mentioned that those issues can usually receive empathy and compassion from people, consoling and trying to help them. With anxiety, no one can see it, even though MY brain in particular at times feels like it's bouncing from one side of my skull to another, and feel as though I'm going to jump out of my skin, the outward signs nearly all the time aren't there, but I'm ready to go through the roof.

So, even though I look as though I'm right as rain, I maybe very well going through hell, and have learned to kind of hide or disguise it, because a panic attack to me especially in public can be embarrassing, especially a full blown one which I've had in public. Several times. So that was interesting, and the other fact he put forth on that is that most people will just say "don't think about it" meaning put it out of your mind, it's all in your head. oh boy yeah no kidding. Just that easy, snap my fingers wiggle my nose and *poof* all gone.

Problem with that is, in my case after 10 years of hell, I have so many pathways in my brain that have been altered by course of nature and learning that every thought I have leads to panic, I have to relearn and rebuild new pathways so there isn't fear at every turn. And that's medically proven.

So, "don't think about it", "get it out of your mind", doesn't apply, and cannot apply until those pathways are formed again, so that which is causing the panic right now is no longer a fear.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

OK, what's new? I tell you what, for once not a heck of a lot. I know Amber will be disappointed
but I'll just have to ramble through this one and hope for the best!

Had my Doctor appointment after 6 months away from the shrink. Was actually good to get back and talk with him, the last 6 months have been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs and new and different stresses. I guess first off, can tell that I have been drinking occasionally, blood pressure was "way up" from 6 months ago. 110/72 which is still very very good, and pulse rate 72 which is down for me, mine tends to run higher than I like, but still under the "average".

My weight is growing nicely. I say that with a smirk, because 194 is NOT where I want to be that's about 12 unwanted and unneeded and unloved poundage that I just hate having hehe. Well Doctor said, it's been quite a joy really seeing how far I've come since I first started seeing him. And reminded me any "new" stresses introduced will probably risk a trigger of some panic attacks, meaning any new things I try to do, and to try to keep to a normal schedule, especially sleeping and eating, and lay off the booze!!! Well he said I could have one now and then, but that Jeanne was supposed to call him if I start to tip the glass too often. And I agreed that she should tattle on me if I abused the stuff.

But reminding me of normal sleep patterns and the like, was a reminder to myself that I can't push beyond my means until I can handle it, and I keep having reminders when I go to far. Wisconsin Dells, I had a bad one up there, due to drinking, car trouble, doing a ton of things I'm not used to, added a lot of stress, and finally built up.

Deer hunting, when I had a bad panic attack while in a tree, which is never good for sure, but there was added stress building up to that as well, but mainly just being up in that tree wasn't where I should be. Doc also kind of reminded me, it took 10 years of my life to build up a lot of issues in my nerves in my brain that were out of line due to all the panic, and it very well could take all of that time again to get back to where I was.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

If my 7 month old pup Thor could understand English, and knew he was about to have his nuts taken from him, I'm sure he'd feel like I do while I'm up in a tree. Really don't want to have him nutted, but Loki is doing great since his were done no change to his personality or anything else at all. So I guess. *sigh*.

On subject of anxiety, well I guess that's what the blog is called after all, but holy cow did I have a rough time in deer stand the other night. First off getting into the tree, it doesn't have a stand, it's an old huge tree that is dead and most the branches have fallen and broken off and are laying down in every direction somewhat attached to the main tree trunk yet, which is about 13-15 feet tall. But to get into the spot where you sit and wait for the wily deer, you have to crawl up one of the old branches that is kind of hanging on yet.

Well I got about 8 feet off the ground and there is no bark left on the branch so it's a tad slippery, and of course footing slipped and down I went chins first scraping all the way with the battle wounds to show for it along with bruises. Off to a great start to the nights hunt. That got my heart pounding nicely, didn't scare me, didn't work me up, but I guess adrenaline was rushing through just enough, I made it into the stand finally anyway. But it wasn't long and the old nerves come knocking at my door pretty quickly. Never seen one of my "episodes", so I tried to record myself with my camera, of course had to whisper, no clue if it turned out, but wanted to see if it would help me get my mind off my "issues".. Didn't work.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Well, after not feeling the greatest for a few days, really starting to feel good again, haven't drank any booze for three days, so that should tell you something. I guess I have to be on the wagon forever. But, for the price of feeling good and not having the lingering issues that come with booze, I guess I'll take it.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Been running around here and there, been dealing with a horribly infected tooth, have a good deal of excuses to haven't gotten a new blog out recently. then Amber has her 3 kids here who are all getting or have the flu and colds, so I'm looking forward to see if we get the illness. But in the meantime, we move on right?

So, been hunting every night, trying like heck to get up in tree stands to get over my fears in that avenue. Win some lose some so far. I can seem to get up in trees without stands "OK" but not great, but the man-made ladder stands so far has been a real issue for me. If one has plenty of tree branches close by I feel safer, like I can grab them if something happens. I tend to start getting dizzy and feel like I'm going to be launched out of the darn tree. But a lot of the stands don't have much for branches anywhere or around or it's just small tiny branches with leaves and that's it, and I can tell, soon as I get up in them, my world starts spinning and I gotta get out of there fast.

But I've managed to get up in a few stands and last the night, so It's getting better, but It's not comfortable at all, at least until it gets close to end of season, gets a little darker out, the world seems smaller I guess, and apparently that still affects me how the world appears to me and makes it more comfortable. Plus that's when most the bucks start moving, so I have more to keep my mind occupied on something else and tend to not dwell on my issues. Otherwise I'm hyperventilating and shaking the whole night. Not fun at all.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Sometimes I hate this laptop. Had a whole blog written last night and accidentally hit the touch pad which apparently and occasionally highlights the entire post and deletes everything, oh well, shall try this again.

Anyway, I recall talking about hunting again, but I'll shorten it up some. Been going out almost every night, just makes me feel so good to BE ABLE to go out on my own and do it. Last night didn't work out the greatest, didn't see much of anything but turkeys and as I usually don't even take my medication with me hunting anymore, I was glad I did last night, was feeling like crap, wasn't even up in a tree, and just wasn't feeling good at all. Oh well I survived.

However, I have two teeth giving out on me, that kept me up until 4 am this morning, and that makes life just so wonderful. Could not get to sleep, I gave up and had a drink which knocked me out in about 30 minutes, I didn't want to, I want to completely give up any taste of the booze but I like the stuff, but it does not mix with me well anymore, it sets off anxiety, and with any meds in my system It is really not healthy. Apparently I have an addictive personality, no I don't mean others can't do without me, we know that isn't true, I just tend to get addicted to, well tobacco and liquor. I even completely taped up the entire bottle of booze with duct tape to ward off some of the spur of the moment temptations. Well it worked for a bit. But darnit didn't work long. Booze just seems to suck life out of you, makes you not give a crap, saps your energy to get up and go, sure curbs the creative thinking. I could go on and on, but that's my perspective. Going without touching it for over a year, my eyes were opened a great deal how much you can accomplish without it.

Sadly I figured out I wouldn't die taking a drink while also on my medications, it may shorten it, which scares me, but apparently not enough. Do I need help? Well not professional, just a nudge to stop when I get the urge.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Alright, so I was having "issues" mowing lawn again, well that was great and all, so Jeanne took over for awhile and mowed so I could relax my brain for a bit, it apparently is still there. She wasn't out too long, before the mower "died" due to driver malfunction...... ran over a dog tie out we "both" had not accounted for in the mowing process, therefore wrapping it tightly in the undercarriage of the mower and around the blades tightly enough that the incredible hulk gave up on the removal process.

Another day in paradise? So, after tinkering with that for a hour, decided I'd have to drop the mower deck,,, , *cough* tomorrow, and rectify that issue. In the meantime, my neighbor and his wife who are elderly and can't really get out to do the outside work, and some inside work, I mow for them and other odds and ends. They were gone for the day, figured might as well do the mowing so I don't disturb them as much when mowing. It's about 4.5 hours worth of mowing, yeah great...... A hour into it, the deck starts smoking plumes of white smoke, oh boy.... belt. Shut down fast, lift up the deck, make sure there is no fire, because I'm no where any water and I don't have to pee.

Anyway, it's a no-turn radius mower, decks in front you run it with those two hand push pull levers. Not that it matters, but I was not aware that this mower's deck up front loves to fill up with whatever it runs over quickly. That baby was full of sticks and walnuts, apples you freaking name it, well no wonder it was smoking, had enough crap in there to back an apple pie with crushed walnuts and a smoky flavor with hickory sticks. Well, the belts shot, by looks of it, it wasn't long for this world anyway, but I didn't help matters. Two mowers in one day, and not much to show for. Neighbor had given me a number for his repair guy before they left. Either he's telepathic, or a genius, but whatever repair came the next day. I was having enough anxiety issues anyway, so whatever. moving on.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Well, not a ton of news, love the new Dodge, thinking of getting FORD decals for it, so I don't feel quite as odd driving it. last 4 vehicles have been Fords, grew up with Fords. Oh well, nobody will recognize me in a Dodge, I guess that's something eh? The thing is bright red, that'll surely go unnoticed as well. Maybe I will spray paint it camouflage or all black. That should up the value.

Anyway, not great on gas, it is a beast of a vehicle. Room of a minivan inside, tons of storage space and can tow a whole lot more than our Escape did. Which we will hopefully need.

Ok, on to the hunt! Some may recall last fall, I went gun hunting for deer for also the first time in at least 15 years, and needed a baby sitter next to me opening day, and slowly after that no longer needed someone right by me, but nearly within screaming range, or at least by phone and quick rescue by Coast Guard! This is a two part story I guess.... Now I rarely even take my medicine in with me for that "just in case I really feel rotten" times. So, I am progressing with that, taking away my crutch having my meds is a big step for me and no longer needing anymore remotely close is also a great upswing.

Also, last fall I was totally unable to get in a tree stand of any sort off the ground. Well shouldn't say that, I got in one very easy, and was ready to launch myself right back out face first I got such a panic attack so quickly, I hung on to the top rung the rest of the night shaking, but did not want to give in and go all the way to the ground and let another fear rule of me.

So, this year bow-hunting, it's so much better to be up in the air, can see game coming, they can't see you as easy, and so on and on and on. So, I am determined to win that battle, and have had some success. First couple nights I looked up at that stand, and just shook my head and said the heck with it, right now I am just happy being able to hunt on my own and not have to be concerned about help, or taking medicine to get by. A couple of nights I stood in the stand for a little THEN I felt like screaming and launching myself out.

So, tried a different approach, I started climbing just up in trees without stands, I only got up to 12 or 13 feet, which is better than a kick in the butt, and had no trouble at all. So I progressed with that approach, and finally got up in a "man-made" stand the other night, and sweated and shook and hyperventilated all night, but I made it through 2.5 hours of it. So, it starts, next time maybe it will be easier, maybe not. Everything new is a fight with anxiety, and everything you don't do on a regular basis becomes a struggle again. Like lawn mowing. I got to the point this summer when I was so comfortable on one again I almost fell asleep several times. Now it's been close to a month since I have had to be on one, or couldn't be due to rain or whatever. Today was a struggle again. Was having immediate anxiety problems trying to cut down the hayfield of a front yard.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Alright, so life getting slowly back to normal I guess, fast and furious search to replace our broken up Ford Escape by that nasty little deer has come to a speedy conclusion already. Faster than I really thought it would, I was being very picky. Was looking for another Ford, that's all I've ever liked or had. But when you see a price tag at a dealership for 12,000 bucks on 100,000 miles on 2004 models ?? I don't think so. But I used the time to play with the salespeople to see what kind of prices I could get them down to. Little surprising how overpriced the dealers have them at apparently. So, playing with salespeople got to be fun, got 12000 down to 7900 pretty quickly.

But that wasn't even the price what it was worth. So, more calling more dickering on prices, until I got kind of talked into a Dodge Durango. 83,000 miles for one heck of a price. I might even sell it for what it's really worth I got such a good deal on it. I even test drove it, and really amazed at how great that SUV feels. 2006 model , v-8 4.7 liter engine, the thing roars, looks good and feels like a tank and drives like a Mercedes. Within reason anyway but you get my point.

Friday, September 20, 2013

After a week of just poor bewilderment and just chaos, top it off with two days without internet or cable TV? COME ON!! What doesn't kill you will make you stronger? Well I tell you, at this point in life not sure anything else will bother me.

First of course the deer wrecking my truck. Then find out it's nearly $5000 to fix it? Then the wonderful insurance adjuster as wonderful and fair as they are, says vehicle is only worth 200 dollars UNDER the damage estimate??? Not sure how that's really possible, but whatever! And kelley blue book said my vehicle 7 months ago was worth nearly 2200 dollars more than it is now?

Life is not fair at times I swear. Then of course I had to ask what vehicles this guy is comparing to. I get the "short" list of comparables. So, I get on the phone and check out these "comparable"... One is at 4400 bucks, sure, yep it's almost identical, except he left out the part where it needs 1500 dollars worth of repairs. A few more calls led me to believe, I'm not getting a real fair deal here, and there isn't going to one one dang thing I can do about it. He's already said, and immediately he had said it's considered "totaled". So the comparables, are if my vehicle was in working condition prior to the accident.

So, I call him on these comparable, and after going through the list, and explain his errors, yes kindly. He says, ok fine, it's now worth 6500 and now we won't consider it totaled. What the hell is this guy smoking? What a scam they run, good lord.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Well, was all excited to go hunting, then of course I get the phone call from Jeanne that she hit a deer outside Janesville, and by the steam coming from the front of the truck, yeah well not good. Of course that upset me a great deal, yeah should of asked if she was ok, but, like a "guy" was more concerned apparently for my vehicle (hey she wouldn't of called if she wasn't ok) so, I guess it was presumed. But all I saw was dollar signs shooting out the billfold. Good insurance yeah, but still a big pain in the ass. And my poor Ford Escape. Now I get to wonder if the damage is enough that they will want to just "total" it, and hope I don't get screwed with insurance payout.

So, anyway, that of course sent my anxiety into it's own little overdrive, wasn't bad, but no way I was going to be able to drive over there to pick her up, or even ride along at this point. So Grandma and Aunt Linda to the rescue! They didn't get to Argyle until about 12:15 am. In the meantime I was making phone calls to insurance agent to leave a message, I took care of calling the police and setting up all that crap. Jeanne was a tad upset when she called, so spent the time calming her down, I gave her little things to do at the time, to get her mind off it, didn't seem to take long.

Had her check on the deer, to see if it was hurting or dead, that took some prodding to do, have to tap on it's eyeball to see if there was any reaction, she apparently wasn't too thrilled about doing that, finally achieved that and there was no reaction, so the deer didn't suffer at all, was dead on impact. as apparent with the damage to the poor Ford. Was hoping to keep the deer, but with that kind of hit on it, wasn't much meet left to be preserved.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Well, Dad is off on his hunting trip for Elk in Colorado, and I'm all alone with my pup Thor, he's good company I guess, but not much for conversation. Already lonely and feeling stressed, kinda dumb but that's my life. Guess I just deal with it. Fixed my chainsaw, going to cut up some wood today, actually tomorrow probably, supposed to be beautiful and much cooler out. Set up my painting easel and paints, canvas ready to begin, the enthusiasm for actually painting hopefully will come with it, but not so far.

And can you imagine? Sent a picture of me "mooning" the camera and got called "rude" LOL, me?? nevvver. Oh well I laughed, does that count??

Was hoping to enjoy a day and night without someone around, but not so sure now. And I really hate sleeping alone, dog sleeps UNDER the bed, and my dad isn't much help in that category either, no he doesn't sleep under the bed, as far as I know, he's odd but maybe not that odd. And he surely doesn't sleep in MY bed!!

Two days until opening of bow season, I'm actually excited! Even though I'll probably only go 5 or 6 times until the rut starts, but this will be my first bowhunting season in 16-17 years? maybe 18 even. SO yep, excited. Hopefully get over another fear I've gotten of getting into actual tree stands, so far now it's ground hunting in blinds for me, will just have to do, but I hate not being able to see very far and see what's coming.

Also planning on working on boats and trailer I have acquired, and doing a little bit on my pop up camper, and maybe sleeping in for "finally" the first time maybe Friday night. But it's kind of in a "stored" location, not really ideal for camping behind 2 gas tanks, get to smell diesel fuel all night, whoooppeee. And hearing 3 coon dogs bark close by all night sounds appealing as well.

I guess my lonely little bedroom in the house may sound a bit better. Since I have no vehicle here to go anywhere with, or to hook up to the camper to move it right now. Maybe i'll get to watch the NFL game tonight on TV!! Instead of Dad's constant bombardment of hunting, fishing and cooking shows!! Yes I love to DO all three things, but I get so sick of the shows about them, drives me nuts, of course he knows this, and probably why he watches them nonstop.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Oh no, the voices are back!! Then I realized oh crap, I have my headphones on listening to a book, geez. Nah just kidding, never heard voices, but here I am almost 3 in the morning, ideas running through my head, "no they aren't speaking to me". Thinking, wow I say and do some really stupid things. So why not write about them?

A lot of people say that when you have a panic attack "it's all in your head, just snap out of it", well yeah it is in my head, wish I could just pop it out lol. But as I lay here typing away, I do think about what is "nuts". At times going through horrible panic, I wondered, really am I losing it? Or had I never had it? I look back at my grandparents, parents, cousin Matt and definitely his wife!! My wonderful sister Amber is in a league of her own!. Heck we're all nuts, just to what degree? I believe we've got it under control in the nuts department. We have fun, that's it, and the circle we're in with family and friends, to be honest, tend to get sucked into our own fantasy of insanity world, and it's quite humorous.

Like Grandpa Bob setting off quarter sticks of dynamite on tree stumps for fun, or the time when I was changing a light bulb for Grandma and he was sneaking up behind me while I was on the ladder with a firecracker in his hand, lighter in the other, just a giggling away. Hell yeah my family is nuts!! And I love them for it. And miss terribly the ones that have passed. The stories will live on forever.

But that's a different kind of nuts, that's just family letting loose, I have endless stories that would make these ridiculous TV shows now a days beg for our script that is always ad-libbed and off the cuff, it is no act, it's just the way we are. Take it or leave it.

But as I go through my healing process, I find myself wondering, what is really nuts? In my estimation, it's doing things without comprehension that you are actually doing them. therefore I take a breath and relax just a bit, I hope. I joke way too much, rarely serious unless the time calls for it, but during this "process" I'm going through, it seems to be my safeguard, a safe place that keeps my brain going constantly to ward off the anxiety that's always nipping at my heels.

I'm fully aware of the stupid voices I chatter with to get smiles on others, the wise cracks I make in the stores to total strangers and have them giggling down the aisles. The constant practical jokes I pull on anyone and everyone. Never once have I heard a voice in my head, unless like I said, forget the stupid head phones are on and you think, oh no!!!

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Decided to come back a day early, but we're here, back at the farm again. So nice being able to just pack up and go, and not worry about the drive, or getting in a vehicle whatsoever. Love it Love it love it. So nice to be free again!

Ok, moving on, not going to dwell on anxiety this time. It's time for bow hunting darn it!!

Oh, and Happy Birthday to my mother today!!! Promised her to paint her a picture, *sigh* to hot to paint, but I better get it done, maybe a polar bear, during a blizzard!, (blank white canvas).

That may not fly dunno.

Ok, so... my first time archery deer hunting in a long long time, looking forward to it, I still won't be real excited until the rutting season starts, but just being able to go without someone having to babysit me will be great, or have to have Jeanne sitting in the car in a reasonable distance away in case I freak out. No worries anymore.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Did you know that? Well according to a Google search on the matter at least, worldwide studies have shown that anxiety and panic attacks will not kill you! Whew what a relief. In my worst times, I wish it did kill me, because it sure as heck felt like it.

But when I finally reached the lowest depths I could, and decided now, now is the time, it must end, not my life, but the beginning of a new life a new world. I was going to the hospital and that's it, I knew I would be scared to death going there, being there, but it's a hospital. They know what to do for anxiety problems, sure It sucked waiting there, but life began again for me that night, I was reborn. Thank god.

SO, I totally agree that no matter what is thrown at you with anxiety, it sure as heck won't kill you, no matter how bad it seems.

Wonderful cycle of anxiety and panic. It's so odd how it works, so complex yet so simple. It's amazing how fast you can talk yourself into a panic attack, and just like that, it's gone just as fast. The problem is, without medical help for most people, the panic gets worse the longer you wait, gets easier and easier to go into full blown panic for more and more things, quicker, they will last longer and make it harder to overcome, sleep becomes far and between.

Anyway, 10 years of hell, and a year and half of recovery so far, and growing with every day, and all it took was one trip to the hospital, and determination that I wasn't leaving until I got the help I needed, and a course of follow up action to keep anxiety and panic further out of reach each day there after. Every day is no longer a struggle anymore, sure panic jumps in now and then, but as quick as it comes it goes away.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Yeah anxiety and the related issues with it, especially agoraphobia, is so debilitating that it can feel like you are slowly dying most the time until a nasty panic attack hits you, then you are certain you are going to die, right then and there, but apparently it doesn't I'm still here, I think? Once you get forced indoors due to agoraphobia, you are backing yourself into such a small world that eventually you will be scared of doing anything at all, you can try to get into routines that helps for awhile, but soon, anxiety grabs a hold of those and makes you constantly change who and what you are.

As I spoke yesterday about my new friend who is in the aggressive state of anxiety, panic and agoraphobia, I sympathize so much for her, and remember for myself the pain and anguish I went through, and what I put those around me through. If you don't have panic yourself, you just can't imagine the pain and suffering it's like, and when you feel like everyone is against you, telling you to "just snap out of it" it hurts, it's simply not that easy, especially when you get into the agoraphobia stages of being basically scared to death of the outdoors anymore. For me that was enough to not want to live anymore. I couldn't hunt, fish, hike, bike, not a damn thing I grew up worshiping doing.

So, when my new friend tells me she lives 1 mile from a hospital, oh boy has that struck home. As I've written before in early blogs, It took me 2 visits to the hospital about 8 years apart in time to fix my issues. The first time was in the ambulance, and I couldn't follow through with appointments after I got home, mainly because I just didn't have enough of the medications I'm on now to get me well enough to brave the trips.

The 2nd visit, I lived only 1 mile from the hospital. Seems like karma here. But I was in such a dark desperate place, I had simply no choice any more. I can't even explain again, just how bad it was, in winter I had to go outside in shorts with no shoes and stand in the snow until the pain was so bad it got the anxiety to go away for a matter of minutes, yes minutes only, I was in total terror everyday for about 2 months..... SO, that was IT, I told Jeanne, I don't care if it kills me I'm going to the hospital right now, of course I knew it wouldn't kill me, I've been through everything that could be thrown at me already, a 60 second car ride is NOT going to kill me, and I'm going to a place that, well, what better place to go than a hospital? Whatever you got they can help you, I wasn't worried about freaking out, or going nuts, I was GOING to get help and was not leaving until I got what I knew what would help me.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Part of the reason I started this blog is in hopes I'd reach others with the same issues I have, and hopefully be there for them if they needed help, or just so they know they aren't alone, because this disease seems to alienate you from the rest of the world at times, and you know family and friends support to get through the tough times. And most times like others out there, you basically need to have a baby sitter around for yourself just to feel safe. And that surely doesn't help your self esteem much. But it's how the terrible world of anxiety and panic works.

Today, I was messaged by a beautiful young lady that had seen my blog and was seeking for answers and help from anywhere in the world it would possibly come from. We became friends on Facebook, and shortly after that we were on the phone together, discussing our stories of how anxiety, depressions, panic disorders and agoraphobia had taken over our lives.

I was and am SO excited for the opportunity to help her through her rough times as she's suffering the same things I went through, and of course still today have some issues, but I can actually live my life again now, and I want her to enjoy what I do now, due to taking a huge step and actually getting help. That is the biggest fear of anxiety is actually getting help, especially if you are at the point that this young lady and I share in common, we are and were in a very bad place, and didn't know how to get out of it. Taking that step to actually get to the Doctor is so frightening, I personally put off that frightful ordeal so long, I just fell deeper and deeper into the prison in my mind. The longer you dwell on your fears of going, the longer you make up excuses why you can't go, or won't go, the harder it is to walk out that door into the huge world that seems like it's putting the pressure of the world on you.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Felt good with my last post, needed to vent and get rid of some baggage that weighs me down. Probably won't change a thing, but kind of helped airing my brain out. Which is getting filled up with a lot of interesting new knowledge taking the Wisconsin Trapping Course to get a trapping license this year. No clue why exactly, but it is quite interesting learning about all the fur-bearing critters out there. Love learning new things.

But geez, 42 years young and I'm back to doing homework? Really? Oh well, maybe we'll see if my brain still functions or not. We'll get back to you on that one, I know you''ll be on the edge of your seats wondering if I still have brain function yet.

Got back to work on the travel trailer, the thing is gutted of everything nailed, screwed, glued or tattooed down, except the ceiling and walls, few things to deal with on floor yet, but really I could start laying down new flooring today, so I have something better to stand on than some plywood laid down on the supports below. Maybe I will just park it outside of my old friend Jim Carter's house late at night, see if he magically fixes it up for me? He does that sorta thing, it's on my way to Argyle , in Brodhead, hmm, think he'd mind?

Sunday, September 1, 2013

At this point, we have returned to Argyle, and settling in for the weekend, and we'll have to return Sunday, as my medication I take once a day will run out, and I really have to take that one. Need to talk to my doctor about it, because I don't think I need that particular one. He has me on three of them, one I take only as I think I need it, and it's an addictive one supposedly, since it's a narcotic called Lorazepam. It calms your nerves basically. But I'm well ahead on taking that mad, probably have a month and a half supply now, because I just don't take it very often, but good to have just in case I have issues like I did in the Dells.

But the one that supposedly isn't addictive, if I miss it for one day, I feel "strange" if I miss it for two days I normally have a pretty good panic attack. Now, is the drug really helping? Or is my body withdrawing? Or, well, I'll have to ask him I guess, it's only a 75mg one called venlafaxine, he had me on 150mg once, and holy crap, that wasn't good, took those for maybe 5 days and wanted to throw them in the river. Horrible dreams with nasty nightmares, odd thoughts, etc etc. Back to the 75mg and still wonder what exactly they are doing to me.

OK, anyway, since my episode in the Dells, actually a couple, I just haven't been feeling like myself as I've got to know since I have been getting better. Just couldn't get myself settled completely. Really needed to get back to Burlington for a bit. A lot of the pressure I think I was feeling, was just from going to the Dells in general. A lot of new adventures I hadn't been ABLE to do for, well going on 12 years now. So, I think it was bit overwhelming altogether, and after that I feel like I'm being pulled in fifty directions at once.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Well, we awoke hungry again, bright and early, dogs pottied and we had to decide to spend another good chunk of cash on another night in the hotel, today we had planned on going home, but without my vehicle working properly, would be kind of tough, we still had Jeanne's sister's vehicle, but if we took that home, I can't imagine they'd be too happy not having a ride to get home with on their own.

Checkout was supposed to be at 10:00 A.M. it was about ten minutes to, and said the heck with it, might as well just stay another day, we were supposed to hear about my truck by lunchtime, but if we didn't get the room by 10, who knows if you'd be stuck without a room, or end up paying 300 bucks for the only vacancy in town otherwise, so, I made the call, asked for a repeat customer discount, which he at least gave me 15 percent off the third night. Car guy hadn't called yet. *sigh*

Dad looking for some fun at Paul Bunyan's...

And off we went for breakfast. This time it was at Paul Bunyan's. Very good food, busy as all get out, and reasonable prices, and it's all you can eat. Just don't look at ANYTHING in the gift shop, worst prices I've seen in the Dells for souvenirs. Ridiculous prices. But food was very good. And they get you in and out of their fast, man they must rake in the bucks in that place. Anywho. We filled our bellies up for sure, and loaded up, Jeanne was going to go play miniature golf since it was only 87 degrees today at 10:30 am. So, was almost long underwear weather compared to the last 2 days, I wanted to take dad to the deer park, and Jeanne dropped us off.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

We made it home! Yeah there was some doubt in that actually happening. But I'll go into that as I go through the trip, minute by minute, since we were there 4 days, this could take a really really realllllly long time!!

And awwwayyyy we go. Alright anyway, trip was really uneventful on the way, besides that freaking black cat that ran in front of us on the way up, that apparently we SHOULD have run over, no offense to those cat lovers and I'm superstitious, I looked for him/her on the way back. Of course no where to be found. Beautiful drive on the way, love that area as you get near Mt. Horeb to the Dells. All the bluffs, love em. Go from relative flatness in Southeast Wisconsin and the sprawling suburbs and little farms, to Argyle, farms all over and starts to get more hilly and green, to the Dells, which is beautiful.

Ok, moving on, like I say trip was smooth all the way to the chaos of the Dells. Get into town, and right next to us to the left, a van smashes into the back of a car, crunchhhh. Trip off to a smashing start. We continue on through Lake Delton/Wi. Dells North of town, to find our now appearing to be elusive motel. Just shy of the Canadian border we found it. That became kind of a joke for us, we were really about 3 miles north of town at the Days End motel, one of the few that had vacancies that allowed dogs of any size, so beggars can't be choosers right? Anyway, was quiet place, with decent size and clean room. But damn everything so expensive up there, with the dogs apparently it sends the room prices well over where I liked.

And of course it was 97 degrees out, thank goodness for air conditioning! Wow it was hot. And each day was the same scorching heat.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Alright, so we headed to Argyle with our newly refurbished pop-up camper. Of course we set it up once we got to Argyle to finalize a few things, and of course that lead to, well it wasn't completely done being refurbished, but oh well. it's close enough for now. Will finish a few odds and ends that were overlooked a bit. Minor things at least. The campers sure are neat, more or less just a step up from tent camping with your butts off the ground. Tows great, nice and smooth, Jeanne was a nervous wreck for the 2 hour drive, but she's never had to tow anything before, so it was expected.

Probably didn't help that whenever she got comfortable, i'd say something like, hmm I think the tires may be going flat, or should it be swaying like that? There was nothing wrong, but I'm kind of demented and like to give her a hard time hehe.

But anyway, it's up, it's cool, we like it and were going to take it all the way to the Dells this weekend with my Dad, Jeanne and I and the two dogs. But once we looked at what the weather is going to be?? Mid-90's hot and humid maybe only 70's at night? We think towing it another 2 hours north from Argyle, to be hot all day, and maybe miserable at night, might just be worth a motel room for a couple nights until we get an air conditioner for the camper.

Fell asleep about 3:00 am this morning finally, had to take some of my meds I don't like to HAVE to take, but finally they worked, but at 5:45am I see these eyes posted below looking at me, about that far away, whining and a little kiss on my nose.. "daddy I gotta go potty".....

Thursday, August 22, 2013

OK, where do we start today? We finally got a little rain, what an odd sight that was, of course not nearly enough, need a couple inches. But i'm sure we got just enough for the grass to grow uncontrollably, cut the grass, and it'll turn brown again. *sigh*. Otherwise, work continues on the trailers, every time I touch either of them there seems to be a bit more to do than I first saw, even the smaller pop up camper, which I hoped was done, seems to be a bit more and a bit more ready to be looked at.

But, we're going to give it a try anyway. Towing it back to Argyle this Friday, then up to Wisconsin Dells area on Monday. Jeanne's family is going up there on Sunday a total of around 14 people going to be there not including Jeanne and I and the mutts. So, we're going to go say hello for a day and camp up there for 2-3 days in that area. Will be interesting and probably hot and humid. But it will be during the week, so hopefully not crazy busy with tourists.

Probably going to park at Mirror Lake State Park, never been there that I recall, would like to see if there is anything there worth seeing. Deciding if we want to find a nice kennel for one day for the dogs that pamper them, worries me leaving them anywhere with strangers. Would be nice to go and enjoy a day but I think i'll be thinking and worrying about the boys the whole time.

Anyways. I've found out that having a drink or two at night, is fun and all, but I sure don't feel like doing anything but sitting and staring off into space, I slept like a baby the last 2 nights, but even though it's only two drinks I wasn't drunk or even feeling it, I sure feel like absolute crap for half the next day. Just not worth doing it. I like that I CAN have a drink now and then, was scared for a long time to try to have a drink being on medications, and what it might do, I'm sure it's not good for me, but whatever, not pounding down a whole bottle, a little nip now and then?? Maybe?

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Nah, not about amusement parks. Living life of anxiety is full of ups and downs, I know quite a few people with Bi-polar disorder and can sympathize with them as well. Heck, maybe we're all messed in the head to some point or another anyway, so why not just live on. But, as far as my life goes, seems to rise and fall with some bouts of depression. Have not had a lot of it since I've been "recovering" to normal life, but for some reason the last three days going on four now, at least I assume anyway is due to some depression. as to what it's from i'm not really sure.

Working on these campers/trailers and making minimal progress, and not finishing one before really diving into the other probably didn't help. But excitement was there and now it's dwindling a bit. Need a refresher of some sort to get back on track. Every gain right now seems to be off-set by two negatives. Either way i'm not going to lose any money, just time invested even if I sold either or both trailer/campers right now, both are going to be substantial money gains. But just getting to the end of what I'd like to have happen is trying.

So, that's what I'm putting my state of grumpy time to I think. Spending so much time demolishing one, rebuilding another, then thinking of what it will cost me in materials, and then hope I get it back it out once I do, of course i'm worried, add stress, it's hot out, not enough sex .......... errr moving on.

Just tired of feeling crappy for past few days. SO dammit, I bought a bottle of booze to put it right on top of my crappy attitude tonight. And for those who are curious? Don't try this at home!! Now and then I've decided to have a little nip. Not much, just a little. And for the first time in 3.5 days I smiled tonight. Yeah that's not good, and no I won't look to the bottle to solve issues, just felt like having a drink for a change, I should not have one, tomorrow i'll pay for even for drink, and with my meds in my system it won't help things, and heck can't even think real clear as i'm writing this, so i'll have to read this tomorrow and see what kind of things I thought up.

Monday, August 19, 2013

No clue what's causing it, but knowing how anxiety works I have a couple thoughts. For the past 3 nights been having terrible troubles sleeping. Soon as I lay in bed, I start getting uncomfortable, anxiety uncomfortable. Start having trouble breathing, that sends me into the next step of worry, then pretty soon, i'm fidgeting all over, worry and stress about why it's happening, then pretty soon, I'm in a full blown panic attack mode. Now, that said the attacks don't consume me like they used to. I deal with them as long as I can then I get up and do something until they pass. But that's now 1:30 or 2:00 am that i've been struggling.

And I like to get up at 6:00 am with the dogs, go for a walk with them, get them and myself exercise that helps keep the anxiety demons at bay for them and myself. My first thought on the matter is. I started shooting my longbow in preparation of archery deer season next month. I haven't shot a bow in 15 years. Muscles I haven't had a use for are now awaken from a dark cave and dorment area. That new pain and sensation I'd rather not have, and wasn't used to made me uncomfortable the first of the 3 sleepless nights.

So, I believe that's what set it in motion, is some real pain in a new muscle area that hadn't been around since I was in my 20's lol. Nonetheless, it triggered a few worries that shouldn't of mattered, but whatever, they did. And now i've grown a new pathway in my brain that going to bed means i'm going to be uncomfortable and have a panic attack.. Poof,, there it is, 3 nights running now, it's 1:30 am as I type this to get it off my chest and out of my brain. And the dogs will miss their morning mile or so walk cuz I'll be tossing and turning until 4:00 am with this crap.

So, I turn to one of my now growing mound of hobbies, online games, painting, guitar, fixing things, ie: trailers and camping trailers etc. training the dogs, I really could go on, but those are the main ones, and I swap them out as necessary to keep my brain away from thoughts of panic and anxiety. Lately i've been well enough I don't even take my medication with me when i'm out and about on my own. Wise or not, i'm testing myself I guess. I keep pushing my limits to see if , to see if there is one? And if there is, I find away through it and on to the next. Worst thing I can do is let my panic i'm having as I type this with going to bed leak into ANY other part of my life.

I'll work through this like i've done everything else so far in my life, just relearning to walk again in another phase of my journey.
Anyone else with the issues? Don't dwell on em, just try to meet them head on, if you hit a brickwall, don't bang your head on it, use your head in another way, if it's bad enough, Get some help, it's not a crime, or embarrassment to admit you need, or rather want help. Want is a much better word. I use the "need" word as a joke at this point. Most people that know me well know my sense of humor is off the wall, slapstick and tom foolery. And often hear,, "you need help" or "you just ain't right" well no kidding, I know that, and the State of Wisconsin agrees with me, duh.. i'm on disibility for anxiety disorder.

It's not funny, but , ah hell yeah it is. I know mentally i'm fine, as in i'm not a danger to anyone or myself, I can be trusted with the elderly, sharp objects and kids... Ok maybe not sharp objects, especially crow bars, crow bars and I have a love hate relationship , but i'll tell that story another time, kind of a painful one. But yeah, i'm getting help from the state, I NEEDED it. Now I just want help to continue my battle. I want to enjoy life as much as I can as normal as I can. 10 years without being able to wake up in the morning and smile for any reason was hard. Hard on me, hard on my loving dog Simba and Jeanne of course. I think Simba took it the hardest. He couldn't understand what was wrong with me, can't explain it to him, he just knew the walks we went on were hardly ever going to happen again.

The games we played changed, i'd suddenly be unable to do much more than cry at times, to the point I was too scared to go outside at all, even to take him out to go potty, Jeanne would have to, and all I had to do was open the patio door, walk 11 feet to his tie out, hook him up and go back in. Couldn't do it. too far, too scared, couple times I made it that far, I RAN fast as I could back to the house, crawled even one time it hit me so hard. The world was a large scary place that I was not welcome in any longer.

Simba became my sensor. amazing dog. I'd be sitting in a chair, and he'd come over and flop his big head in my lap and look up at me, he could tell, I didn't even know, but there was a panic attack coming on, from who knows what, and sure enough within minutes, BAM, and off my brain would go. I'd hold him as tight as he'd let me, he was there for me every step of the way, wanting to understand and to help.

Ok now I have tears, I miss him dearly and have to move on, his death wears on me still because of the years I couldn't be more for him than I was for many years. That's why I have 2 dogs now that I spoil and spoil, and give them everything they need and more, and they give it right back ten fold.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Looking back, just something I haven't even given much thought to since I've been getting better. Hard to believe it's been over a year (march 12th 2012) since I couldn't handle the panic attacks any more. Still remember the dreadful days leading up to the visit to the emergency room. And sitting and waiting and pacing for nearly 4 freaking hours in that emergency room. Shaking, trembling, scared to death.

Yeah, was NOT real happy about that. But dammit I was there, I was not leaving until I got help for this crap, no matter what. But the memories of how bad I had gotten. The misery I was in, Blah, was just terrible, I can't imagine anyone ever going through that. I've talked to so many with panic and anxiety, literally hundreds, and thankfully nobody else I've come acrossed has had panic that bad. Not a contest, but just glad is all.

So, over a year, and the leaps I've made to me is just unreal, going from what I was, to what I am now, boggles the mind truthfully. Anxiety is still there, yeah. probably always will be to some extent, at least

that's what the doctor "hints" at more or less. But not being a prisoner to my own mind any longer is just plain awesome. I still feel the need to take steps to make myself feel, well I guess "safe" while i'm out alone places, especially new places I haven't been. Always have a cell phone with me, and I usually take my medications with me in case I need a bit more help. But rarely do I ever take any extra.

Just being able to go to Argyle to see my family. And be able to stay there while Jeanne goes back to Burlington. For years I couldn't be more than a yell away from her. Only person I felt completely safe with I guess? Hard to explain it, so it's refreshing to say the least to not have to rely on that "need" and go do our own things when we want.

So, mowing forward, of course that anxiety and panic still rears it's ugly head occasionally, last few nights had some pretty tough times when I go to bed, have to get up for a while and paint, or get on the computer until it passes. Had a few times in the car lately where I was ready to jump out, but it passes. So, it's all about fighting, learning and winning the battle, not letting it win, not giving in to it, remembering you won't die from it, just breathe, relax,think of something else and it'll soon go away.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Back at the old farm in Argyle this weekend. And sure enough Grandma puts me to work right away hehe. Well not really, she needed her gutters cleaned, and figured I'd give it a go, someone has to, she can't do it. So, figured good time to see if I could get up on the ladder that high up, 6 months ago, wasn't any way I could. Apparently I'm getting better. Got them gutters cleaned out by golly. Even got up on the roof and finished the gutters off that way, with help from Jeanne also. Even have pictures proving I was up there hehe.

Heart was pounding like mad, but that's alright, took another step in the right direction. And no, umm don't call me to do your gutters, it wasn't THAT much fun.

But, of course once Grandma saw that I was ready to work, had me watering her garden, picking tomatoes and pulling off caterpillars that were chewing up the tomato plants. And then burning a big brush pile for her. Good to help her, done a lot for me over the years, but time to go back down to Dads house before she had me putting in overtime........... Oh, well she deserves the love, do everything I can for her while she's still around, last grandparent I have, going to spoil her as long as I can. I'm sure in her will she'll leave a chore list for me that'll last for 20 years. I'm only partially kidding on that, I think I can wait for a while!!

Oh, side note, got a strange call on my cell phone today, someone in an eastern Indian accent, telling me there has been strange warnings coming from my computer, and wanted me to turn it on so they can check the problem,.... click, bye bye, anyone have that happen to them, hangup unless you have requested help and can verify the caller. . It's an attempt to steal your identity. Not sure why they'd want mine, most days over past 10 years I couldn't give it away. NOW they want it....... .guess I am getting better hehe.

So, anyway, not sure I mentioned what my new hobbies are? We basically stole a decent shape pop up camper for $40.00 at a goodwill type store. And have been fixing that up, almost done with it. Quite enjoy doing that, either going to resell it, use it or rent it out. I need an income anyway I can get it. Had so much fun fixing that one up, for really not much cost. I bought a 21 foot travel trailer, outside is nearly perfect, inside has to be gutted and restored, cabinets are nearly perfect, toilet and shower are very good, power center looks good, trailer and tires look very good, has electric assisted breaks. Got that for a couple hundred bucks, trailer alone worth nearly 500. Could part the rest out and make probably 800 total or so.

But, going to work on it, fix it up, and do the same as the pop up. Keeps me busy, but until they are done they just suck up what little money I have after my doctor bills soak up what they can. But heck, if I could fix them up and resell buy a couple more, rinse and repeat, IF they sell, could make a pretty penny, or I'll have a whole fleet of them with nothing to do with.... oh boy.

On to the next topic at hand..... Since we've last talked last December, we added to our family,, no no Jeanne's didn't get pregnant, Loki our now year and a half old husky "needed" a brother, well I thought he did, he's less than pleased with the situation of HAVING a brother.... But alas, I got him a brother none the less, a royal pain in the butt 6 month old black and white blue eyed monster called THOR. And boy oh boy do they love to pick and pick and pick and argue to each other, and now Thor apparently going through his terrible 2's early and started chewing up stuff. *sigh* Great having 2 dogs................Started painting also a bit again, hard to get back into it, and a little rusty after 6 or 7 months not doing it. But it's coming back quickly, had nearly as many people telling me to get painting again as I did writing my blog, one of these things have to start giving me some money darn it, I have too many "hobbies" for other people..

One problem I have painting.. The reason I started doing it about 4 years ago was to help keep some of my anxiety at bay. And it helped a great deal at first. I spent many a sleepless night up painting because of panics grip on me. And it kept my mind off of the issues, sometimes enough to get 3-4 hours of sleep eventually. But now when I paint that's what I think about, the panic and anxiety, I think when I paint now that I must not be feeling well .. it's not the case, I feel ok, but I associate it with that so much it's hard to get started painting because of that past I have with it.

Same with guitar playing, took that up about the same time as painting, as another thing to help keep my mind off of my problems. Hadn't played in a long time, and my best friend Jeremy has a beauty of a guitar, one time we stopped there I restrung it for him, and we twanged on it for a bit. And I kind of fell in love with guitars again, and HIS guitar, really nice one, compared to the piece of crap electric I had. Of course I have two other guitars, very nice Washburn acoustic, and a Washburn acoustic electric. So I traded in my crappy electric at Guitar Center in Madison for a new Ephiphone Les Paul plus top. What a beautiful guitar, plays great. But I still have troubles like in painting, of picking it up and playing because of my previous reasons for learning guitar in the first place. it seems to never end geeez.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Been asked by, well a surprising amount of people, where is your blog? Why no updates? To be honest there is a couple reasons, one I just got healthy enough I got sick of sitting on my ass and thinking of anxiety problems, and just started living more and more, 2nd? Got tired of writing about it basically.

But, now that I pulled it out again, it's actually kind of nice to start again. I'll have to try to catch up from where I left off last December I think it was, but for the mean time, I'm just going to be in the present here and a little of the past.

One other reason I decided it's time to pull this out and start writing again, is ..... A lot of people I've come across, friends and strangers alike, that suffer from a wide ranging ailment of anxiety and panic disorders and I've been able to talk openly and honestly with them how to help cope with their specific issues and problems, and to what from my vast experience in the matter can I'd say professionally state my opinion on what they can do for themselves to better their lives, and hopefully lessen or admonish completely the wondrous world of anxiety.

So, here I write, wondering about my own future. I've overcome so much in a years time, quite amazing to me and probably others as well, as bad as I was March 2012. It's really a miracle I think. But you do reach a plateau in areas.

One issue I have, if those that don't know, I am on disability from the state, and I have about a year left of my 3 years, and I think I'm probably well enough that I won't get an extension on that. I didn't want to be on it in the first place, but there is no way on earth I could of gotten to where I'm at today without it. Unfortunately the amount it pays me a month isn't anywhere near enough to keep up with bills I have, and things I want to do personally to try to push myself further away from anxiety.

I've been able to work some with my cousin Matt, just to basically test the waters, but I'm finding that I can only work with someone else, at least right now, that I know, am close to or trust, or all the above. Not sure I could survive alone doing something, however the problems I had in the past mowing lawns seems to have dissipated considerably, even to the point I've nearly fallen asleep a few times while riding on the mower. Going from ready to jump off screaming after 5 minutes versus taking a nap, shows a heck of a lot of progress in my book.

But I do have issues from time to time doing it, an unhealthy reminder that my life still feels the tug of anxiety trying to grasp me, so the work and push forward is never ending indeed.