Announcer: [voice-over] Futurama is brought to you by ... [The oval retreats to the upper right corner and a woman wearing goggles and holding a barrel of lava-like stuff fills the screen.] ... Molten Boron!

Bender: Nah, those lousy Moochers cleaned out our pantry. All they left was baking soda and capers. And here it is!

[He holds up a plate piled high with the stuff.]

Fry: Ugh!

Leela: Ugh! Great. We're two days from Earth with no food.

Bender: Problem solved: You two fight to the death and I'll cook the loser. [whispering to Leela] Work his gut; I like it tender.

Fry: [pointing] Maybe that planet over there has a drive-thru. A Burger Jerk or a Fishy Joe's or a Chizzler or something.

Bender: Ah, don't get your hopes up. We're a billion miles from nowhere.

Leela: Yeah. It's probably only got a Howard Johnson's.

[Scene: Planet Surface. The ship flies over the lush forests which are covered by an orange-brown haze. It lands in a clearing.]

[Time Lapse. Leela scans the area. Fry walks off into the woods.]

Leela: Well, it's a type-M planet, so it should at least have Roddenberries.

Fry: I'm experienced at foraging. I used to find edible mushrooms on my bath mat.

[Bender arrives with a sack over his shoulder.]

Bender: I found some rocks. You guys eat rocks, right?

Leela: No.

Bender: [tempting] Not even if they're sautéed in a little mud?

[He shakes a bucket of mud up and down. Fry pushes some leaves apart.]

Fry: Here's something! It looks like a ditch full of fried shrimp.

Bender: What are you, blind? It looks more like a hole full of fried prawns.

[Leela picks it up and scans it with her wrist machine. It makes a noise like a truck.]

Leela: Hm. This thing I wear on my wrist says they're not poisonous.

[She puts it in her mouth and starts chewing.]

Fry: Well? How are they? [Leela swallows, her eye widens, and she falls to the ground and starts cramming her mouth with the things. Fry eats one and gasps.] Oh, they're great! They're like sex, except I'm having them!

[Bender sniffs one.]

Bender: You know what these would go great with? Rocks.

Fry: [pointing] Look! Here's more!

Bender: The planet's covered with 'em.

Fry: Let's bring back a couple of pocketfuls.

Bender: No, a whole Bender-ful!

[He opens his chest door and starts filling his cabinet.]

Leela: No. Only what we need. Stuff the ship!

[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship comes in ready to land. There is a crate strapped to the roof. The hangar roof opens.]

[He points at a Fishy Joe's sign where he is dressed as a pirate and eating a sandwich with an entire fish in it.]

Fry: Wow! You're some guy who eats at Fishy Joe's?

Gilman: Hell, no! I am Fishy Joe! I've got a fast-food franchise on every planet in the known universe. Uh, except McPluto.

Bender: Hey, Fishy. I've been meaning to write you about your in-store kiddie parks. The slides won't support an adult robot.

Gilman: Good point, not interested. But these Popplers, these are great. How much you sell 'em for?

Fry: A dollar a dozen.

Gilman: You'll never make money that way. You supply 'em to me and I'll sell 'em for two bucks a dozen at my restaurants. I'll even pay you a dollar a dozen.

Bender: Yes! I'm gonna be rich. [He cheers and looks at Fry.] You too but it's hard to get excited about that.

Fry: How do we sign?

[Montage: The popularity of the Popplers soars. An "Over 'X' Popplers Served" sign is placed outside Fishy Joe's. It turns over to '1'. Fry and Bender record an advertisement jingle.]

Fry: and [singing] Pop a Poppler in your mouth,
When you come to Fishy Joe's,
What they're made of is a mystery,
Where they come from, no one knows,
You can pick 'em,
You can lick 'em,
You can chew 'em,
You can stick 'em,
If you promise not to sue us,
You can shove one up your nose.

[In space, Bender paints "Poppler" on the tail of the ship and scrubs out "Planet", making it Poppler Express. The ship speeds through space carrying a crate of live Popplers. The sign outside Fishy Joe's turns over to over one million sold. People buy Popplers from a tube-thru window. Zoidberg arrives and turns his pockets inside out.]

Zoidberg: I can't pay.

[Behind him, people shake their fists at him.]

Woman #2: Move it, man. Come on!

[The ship flies out into space and comes back to Earth with a U-Yank trailer. It flies over the city and crashes into a billboard which says "Fishy Joe's. Over 3.8 x 10^10 Popplers Served".]

[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

Fry: Leela! That's the second billboard you've crashed into this week!

Leela: Sorry. I was distracted by those protesters outside our building.

[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship and U-Yank trailer land inside while a crowd of hippies congregate outside with placards saying "Stopp Before You Popp", "Eating Is Murder" and "Popplers Are Peoplers Too!"]

Hippie #1: [shouting] Disgusting!

Hippie #2: [shouting] You should be ashamed!

[Farnsworth leans out of the lounge window.]

Farnsworth: [shouting] Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!

Waterfall Jr.: [shouting] We're with Mankind for Ethical Animal Treatment. [He holds up a M.E.A.T. pamphlet with a picture of a man pushing a pig on a swing on the cover.] Popplers are living creatures. You gotta stop harvesting them for food!

Bender: [shouting] Or what?

Waterfall Jr.: [shouting] Or we'll boycott Fishy Joe's.

Leela: You're vegetarians, who cares what you do?

Waterfall Jr.: Shut up.

Leela: Animals eat other animals. It's nature.

Waterfall Jr.: No, it isn't. We taught a lion to eat tofu. [He points at a skinny lion on a leash. It coughs.] The point is you shouldn't eat things that feel pain.

[Bender throws a brick at him and he clutches his head.]

Bender: [shouting] OK, we won't eat you.

Leela: I'll go get some more bricks.

[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela walks over to the table and picks up some Fishy Joe's buckets.]

[A man dressed as a Poppler and holding a tray of free samples walks up behind her.]

Man #4: [shouting] Don't stop to talk! Eat Popplers!

[Another man takes a Poppler and eats it.]

Leela: Hey, cut it out!

Man #4: [shouting] Take a coupon, cut it out! [Leela hits him with her sign.] Ow! Ow!

[He falls over and some dogs eat the Popplers on the floor.]

[Time Lapse. Fry handcuffs himself to the Fishy Joe's door.]

Fry: People, I won't let you enter. Popplers are as intelligent as you or me.

[A smartly-dressed man pushes him aside.]

Man #5: You, maybe!

[The door Fry cuffed himself to is a revolving door. The door drags him around and around.]

[Time Lapse. Bender rings his head like a town crier's bell.]

Bender: Hear me, hear me! Stop eating Popplers! Stop eating them with honey mustard sauce. [The crowd murmurs and walks past him and into the restaurant.] Stop eating them with tangy sweet-and-sour sauce. Stop eating the new fiesta Poppler salad. Stop taking advantage of the money-saving 12-pack. [The Planet Express ship flies overhead. The bomb-bay winch doors open and a bomb flies out.] Stop enjoying Popplers on the patio, in the car, or on the boat. Wherever good times are had! [The bomb bounces off the restaurant roof, onto Bender's head and onto the floor.] Ow!

[Gilman spits out half a Poppler and puts the mush on the other half he is holding.]

Nd-Nd: [on TV] We demand justice. As you ate our children, so shall you be eaten by us!

Lrrr: [on TV] We will begin with the firemen, then the math teachers, and so on in that fashion until everyone is eaten. [He laughs and the others join in.] Transmission over! [The picture stays on but Lrrr doesn't notice. He turns to Nd-Nd.] Well, that went OK. I tell you, when-when you know you can't scratch, that's when you really have to, huh? [He scratches himself.] Oh! Oh, yeah, that feels a lot better. What? It's still on?

[He growls and the TV cuts to static.]

[Scene: DOOP Headquarters: Secret Conference Room. Outside the building, a sign has been changed from "Democratic Order Of Planets United Against The Omicronian Menace" to "Democratic Order Of Planets Welcomes The Omicronian Menace". In the small room, Zapp Brannigan sits across a table from Lrrr and Nd-Nd. Omicronians and Kif stand behind them.]

Zapp: As chief negotiator, I speak for all of Earth when I mourn the regrettable loss of the Omicronian young. We share your pain. [He reaches into a box and eats a Poppler. Kif sighs.] Mmm. [chewing] If we could undo the damage-- [He eats some more and turns to Kif.] These would be great with quack-a-mole.

Zapp: My fellow Earthlings, we have reached an agreement. Using the twin guns of grace and tact, I blasted our worthless enemies with a fair compromise. [The crowd cheers.] They will not eat everyone on Earth.

Lrrr: I filled up on nuts at the negotiation.

[Nd-Nd shakes her head.]

Zapp: Instead, they will eat only a single human of their choice.

Lrrr: We choose to eat the first Earthling who ate our offspring. [He takes out a remote control.] Here is the culprit, as photographed by our nanny-cam satellite. [He turns on a big TV overhead. It shows Leela eating the Popplers on the planet.] She must be sacrificed, but the rest of you shall be spared.

[Everyone cheers, except Leela, who "boos".]

[Scene: Madison Cube Garden. The sign outside reads "Slurm Concert Series Present: An Evening With A Human-Eating Monster". Inside, the crowds murmur. There a is a stage in the middle of the room with a table and chairs on it. Linda presents the TV coverage from a commentary box.]

Linda: Tonight, the world watches in horror as an earthling is eaten alive on network television. This grim scene of unimaginable carnage is brought to you by Fishy Joe's! Try our new Extreme Walrus Juice! [An ad comes up on the screen of a surfer riding on the back of a walrus.] 100% fresh-squeezed walrus. Ride the walrus!

[A spotlight shines onto a door on the stage.]

Announcer: [on loudspeaker] Ladies and gentlemen. The Omicronians!

[The door opens. Lrrr, Nd-Nd and some other Omicronians walk out, waving. Nd-Nd sits at the table and the other Omicronians sit down behind her. Lrrr stands at a mic.]

Lrrr: Greetings, Earth morsels.

[The crowd boos.]

Man #6: [shouting] You suck!

Lrrr: Get a job!

[Backstage, Bender peeps through the curtain and then turns around.]

Bender: I'll miss you, Leela. [Leela is in a circus animal cage.] I know you're just a carbon-based life form but I'll always think of you as a big pile of titanium.

[He sobs. Fry puts his arm around him.]

Fry: What Bender means is, you're really brave, and smart, and beautiful, and a great friend.

Bender: [crying] Just like titanium!

[He cries into Fry's lap.]

Leela: This is all a big load. I was the one trying to save the Popplers. [She points at Fry.] You were sucking them down like the fat hog you are and you were stepping on them for fun. [She points at Bender who stares blankly back at her.] You both should be in here instead of me.

Bender: [whispering to Fry] Someone's acting awfully aluminum.

[Enter Zapp.]

Zapp: Leela, my sweet, I've come to save you. I have a devious plan!

Leela: Oh, great, Captain Moron has a plan. Why don't you tell it to Wingus and Dingus here?

Zapp: Correct. I found a giant hideous ape that looks exactly like Leela.

[Kif wheels in a cage holding an orang-utan that wears a white tank top, black trousers and boots like Leela's.]

Leela: It doesn't look anything like me. The hair is all wrong.

Zapp: Don't worry. Kif is an expert stylist, as you can plainly see. [He strokes his own hair.] Mmm!

[Kif groans and walks into the cage. He puts a sheet around the orang-utan, squirts some shampoo onto it's head and rubs it in.]

Leela: You know, this might actually work. The Omicronians seem to have trouble telling one person from another.

Zapp: True. At the negotiations, they thought Kif here was the statesman and I was a jabbering mental patient. Isn't that right, Kif?

Kif: Please, I'm creating. [He takes the sheet off the orang-utan and puts an eye patch over one of it's eyes. It now has a purple ponytail like Leela.]Voila!

[The orang-utan grabs a banana, eats it and scratches itself.]

Bender: Bingo!

Fry: That's Leela!

Zapp: I'm seeing double!

[On the other side of the curtain, Lrrr sits at a table.]

Lrrr: I grow hungry! Bring on the one called "Leela".

[A waiter fills his wine glass.]

Waiter: That comes with salad or soup.

Lrrr: Uh, salad.

Waiter: Ranch or vinaigrette?

Lrrr: Vinaigrette!

Waiter: Balsamic or raspberry?

[Lrrr picks up a laser from under the table and vaporises the waiter. Zapp pulls on the cage with the orag-utan inside. Nd-Nd takes it out and puts it on the table. The crowd sees and murmurs.]

Woman #4: [murmuring] What's going on here? It's very strange.

[Zapp whispers into the microphone.]

Zapp: [whispering] People of Earth: Shh!

Woman #4: [murmuring] Oh, I get it.

Woman #5: [murmuring] I understand.

[Lrrr looks back and forth between a photo of Leela and the orang-utan. They both sit in the same pose.]

Lrrr: Hmm. Yes, this is one. Definitely. I recognise her slumping posture and hairy knuckles.

[Leela is taken aback and looks at her own knuckles. Lrrr puts a lot of salt on the orang-utan.]

Nd-Nd: [sarcastic] Would you like some human with your salt?

[Lrrr picks up the orang-utan and opens his mouth.]

Linda: This is it. If the aliens fall for Zapp's ploy, the Earth will be saved. Brought to you by Fishy Joe's. Ride the walrus.

[Lrrr is about to eat the orang-utan.]

Waterfall Jr.: [shouting] Wait! Stop! It's a trick! That's not Leela.

[The crowd "boos" and Lrrr puts the orang-utan back on the table. Waterfall Jr. runs onto the stage.]

Lrrr: W-What's happening? I'm losing the crowd.

Waterfall Jr.: It's an orang-utan. One of Mother Earth's most precious creatures.

[He hugs the orang-utan and it scratches his hair and eats his fleas. Lrrr puts on a pair of glasses. Zapp grabs Waterfall Jr. by the hair and drags him away.]

Zapp: Why'd you open your bong hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a beautiful woman to save a moderately-attractive monkey? You must've smoked some bad granola.

Lrrr: The one called "Smelly Hippie" is right. This is a monkey!

[Nd-Nd eats it whole.]

Nd-Nd: Yes. Definitely.

Lrrr: Where is the real female?

Zapp: I'll never tell.

[He crosses his arms and Lrrr points a laser to his head.]

Lrrr: Where is the real female?

Zapp: I'll get her for you.

[He runs off. Backstage, he pushes Leela's cage out onto the stage.]

Zapp: I realise this may hurt our chances of consummating our relationship again.

Leela: Go consummate yourself.

Lrrr: Stop talking, you're getting cold.

[He reaches into the cage and grabs Leela around the waist.]

Leela: Please! I just paid off my car!

Fry: No!

Bender: I can't look!

[He takes his eyes out, puts them in his chest cabinet and looks back towards Leela. Lrrr puts Leela in his mouth.]

Poppler: Stop! [The Poppler runs onto the stage and leaps into Leela's mouth. It leans forward to the microphone.] People of Earth. I am Jrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. Could someone lower this thing for me? [Leela does.] Now then, if Leela gets eaten, I get eaten.

Jrrr: Hear me out. There are many good reasons to eat: Hunger, boredom, wanting to be the world's fattest man. But not revenge. Are we no better than they? Besides, Leela's my friend.

Lrrr: [mumbling] Is this true, Earthling?

Leela: [mumbling] Yeah, it is.

[He takes her out of his mouth.]

Lrrr: Leela's garbled words have opened my eyes.

[The crowd cheers and Leela spits out and pokes Jrrr, who giggles. Waterfall Jr. holds the mic and strokes his hair.]

Waterfall Jr.: OK, that's a start, that's very Earth-friendly. Now everyone join hands. Join hands, please. I'd like to lead you all in some swaying. Come on, pay attention. [The audience is not impressed.] I said do it! Yeah...

Lrrr: Is he your friend too?

Jrrr: No.

[Lrrr eats Waterfall Jr. He pokes his head out of Lrrr's mouth.]

Waterfall Jr.: This is not happening.

[Lrrr swallows him and everyone cheers and applauds. Lrrr clutches his stomach.]