It’s funny to think of that phrase… “if I ever completely let myself go…” What does that mean?

I almost think of it in terms of having dealt with depression & anxiety.. completely letting go… insanity, mental break… negative things.

I guess letting go in this case would be to be authentically yourself. Trust in that I have fantasized about that many many times through out the coursework of my life. It has always merely been a fantasy… mostly.

But even I haven’t truly known what that would look like because I don’t know myself well enough to know. Maybe at one point I did, but not right now. Would I dress different? Speak more? Say my thoughts without reservation? Say what I feel about things I’ve hidden? Dump all my secrets on the world and tell them to deal with it? Do thinks without reserve and not care if the world gawked at me as I did so?

Hmmm maybe being authentically yourself is some form of insanity after all. Maybe we all wish we could be a little insane in that respect but society molds us with its expectations of this fucked up “normal”… whatever that is.

I think if I were truly me in the “let myself go completely” kind of way… people would think I was a bit… eccentric to say the least. To anxious fearful me that is frightening… a bad thing. To authentic me, I could care less. I know I would be happier being fully true to myself.

I always feel tho that it isn’t ultimately anybody but me holding me back from letting go. My insecurities and my expectations of what I should be or should look like or whatever before I can tackle living authentically. There’s always a I can’t do this because of that kind of rule that I follow in my life. I wait for the day for everything to fall into palce in order to live authentically. But who knows, that day may never come. I won’t say that it won’t ever come because we can’t know that either, but that I just shouldn’t put all my cards on it. If it did, that would be fantastic, but then again, would I even know if it did?