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Is This Marriage Worth Saving?

Last month we discussed the importance of having supportive guidance during a divorce process. Let’s address the steps that may precede divorce – obtaining support to decide if a marriage can be saved.

Almost all of us carry wounds from our childhoods and from past relationships into our current partnership. We repeatedly play out dysfunctional patterns of coping and/or responding until we are able to understand what underlies these patterns and heal from these harmful behaviors. Couples face challenges for a wide variety of reasons – from disagreements on how to keep their home organized to feelings of spiritual, social or professional inferiority. When faced with these and other struggles, it’s not uncommon to wonder if your relationship can – or even should – be saved.

Without clear and open communication, you may fall out of rhythm with your partner. Issues can arise and resentments can build for some time before a danger signal shows up. And then when a challenge arises, it can be easy to slip into the role of victim or martyr when confronted with the reality that a marriage is not succeeding. Reacting with fear can cause false promises to be made in the hope of a quick fix.

Learn to feel and express gratitude for the positive aspects each of you bring to the marriage. Objectively hear and acknowledge each other’s complaints and take immediate, soulful action to resolve them. By learning a new way of relating, remaining honest and accountable in your communication, you and your partner can feel confident that your needs are being understood and respected. When you know you are in sync with your partner, you can become more tolerant and flexible with one another, giving your love room to grow.

The most important thing to be aware of is that listening deeply to your partner is paramount to creating a true partnership between the two of you. Deep listening requires that you open yourself, without an agenda, to what your partner is trying to tell you, from his or her viewpoint. If you feel a need to be right, or to make a point, this will get in the way. Ask yourself if/when in disagreement with your partner, “Is getting my way the most important need I have right now, or is it for us to have harmony and feel like equals?”

And when you need support to uncover the soul truth of your relationship, Soul Wisdom has experienced therapists to act as an objective third party to help you release resentments, discern the truth about the marriage, and take steps toward healing.

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David Rosenbaum, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, published a study in 2014 in which he coined the term “precrastination,” which he defines as the tendency to tackle subgoals at the earliest opportunity — even at the expense of extra effort. ... See MoreSee Less