There has been a headache-inducing preponderance of tabloid news about Jessica Simpson's baby weight, but a recent report from Radar might illustrate just how much more Jessica Simpson weight gain/loss news we've been missing out on. According to a "close friend," Simpson was so desperate to pay off the Weight Watchers loan sharks that she considered lap band surgery to help meet her weight-loss goal, but doctors turned her down because lap band surgery requires some serious lifestyle adjustments. Doctors successfully dissuaded her from pursuing surgical weight loss, and now we all live in a universe where Katie Couric devotes an entire segment to counting down Jessica Simpson's final ten pregnancy pounds while two burly Weight Watchers employees crack their knuckles just behind the camera. [Radar]

Jared Followill of Kings of Leon married model Martha Patterson, but the ceremony unfortunately took place in the mossy shade of Anne Hathaway's wedding. [Us]

Jack White played a very abbreviated, 45-minute show sans encore on Saturday at Radio City Music Hall. Tickets were expensive and Twitter was not amused. [Buzzfeed]

There was a fight at the BET Hip-Hop awards Saturday because it's pretty much an annual tradition. According to Atlanta police, the altercation occurred during a tribute to Chris Lightly, who committed suicide last month. Though the AP doesn't mention the pugilists, TMZ claims that Rick Ross and Young Jeezy had to be separated by bodyguards, AND that shots were maybe fired. [AP, TMZ]

Ashton Kutcher has had a thing for Mila Kunis since way back when he was helping her with her physics homework on the set of That 70s Show, which is why it makes total sense that they've finally found each other at the end of a long, twisted love road that ends in a store specializing in couples' novelty t-shirts. [Us]

In his post-political life as a divorced former bodybuilding terminator barbarian looking to make a big screen comeback with roles that are basically variations on old guys still kicking ass and quipping about their inexorable mortality, Arnold Schwarzenegger admits in his new memoir to having a "hot affair" with actress Brigitte Nielsen just after he and Maria Shriver had started living together. [AP]

Jason Alexander and his new hair went a-stumpin' for Barack Obama in Iowa, telling the bemused masses who thought they'd gathered to see George Costanza scream catchphrases, "I am hardcore middle class. And I stepped in a puddle. And that puddle was called, 'Seinfeld.'" [NBC]

For his efforts playing Tonto in the upcoming Lone Ranger, Johnny Depp got to be the grand marshal at the 21st Annual Comanche Nation Fair. Meanwhile, America still has a football team named the Redskins and everyone seems fine with it. [E!]

George Michael won't even bother with his Australian concerts because of all that pneumonia he had last year. [BBC]

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart probably haven't entered a "no-sex pact" in order to salvage Twilight's marketing campaign, but, then again, who really knows for sure? [Mirror]

Lindsay Lohan called the used car salesman who won a cereal box-top contest to become a TV psychoanalyst Dr. Phil a "fraud" on Twitter for taking advantage of a woman (Dina Lohan) "@her most vulnerable state." [TMZ]