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MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
AIM NAMES
T.a.C- thedude8125
ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs​

The orderly is in Julie’s room, holding the pen for her
…as she recites what she like to say in a letter home.
.
..
...
..
.BAMM ! !
.
..
...
..
.

“Dear mom, I really wish you would get back to me
Fact is I’m actually nothing without the love of my family
All these doctors stabbing me with their needles at night
Said they’re ‘here to help me deal with my life’
I’m feeling I might not survive all these demons, I might
Be on the verge of suicide..” I guess that’s why I’m here, alright..
“So as I was saying, I miss you, You were sick last time we met
Said you were going in for some scans - You thought I’d forget?
I hope they came back clean, I couldn’t take being apart
‘n give my love to Dad and Mike, I love them with my beating heart.
Love,
Julie”

“That what I want to say,” she said as she lays in the blanket
The orderly loosens up each tie on the straight jacket
The plain fact is, she’s crazy - main rule is don’t trust her
Because last time she had pen, an orderly got his throat busted
Open with a gushing flow of blood, disgusting
And she laughed and painted the walls in the corridor
So she has to sit, tied to her bed, facing the metal door
With a single window she can’t see since she’s chained to the floor
But lately her attitude has changed, brain has been relaxed
And the orderlies need to be cautious - in case there’s a relapse
But they pray she don’t’ go back to crazy and wacked..
Out thinking that got her here in the first place, it’s sad…

4 Months Later . . .
The same orderly that has been working with Julie for a
while decides to let her write her own letter with supervision.
She has been showing signs of improvement.

“Hey Mom, hope all is well - Things aren’t getting any better here”
But she can’t start it like this - even though things aren’t better here
She throws out the paper that she started writing the letter on
‘cause she thought she was better off starting in a lighter tone
“Hey mom, hope all is well - How big is Mikey getting?
I bet he’s like me now, mom - Well, his height I’m guessing
I haven’t heard from you in nearly 6 months, I’m about to falter
Just wish a parent can show how much they love their daughter
A simple letter to tell me things will be okay in time to come
I’d try to run from here, the orderlies know I’m a violent one
‘n they keep me locked in this cave they call a room
With a bed, a sink, and toilet - a tray with awful food”

She stops, this is exactly what they want from Julie
They want her to get mad, which leads to the unruly
Mean sadistic women they been trying to control
So they can drug her with things putting her mind in a hole
So she starts over again where she left off, free of the stress
“I be he’s like me now, mom - Well his height I would guess
And how’s Dad feeling? I know work must be tough
I mean it must, plus the fact you’ve been hurting to much
He’s got a lot on his plate, wish there something I could offer
Like maybe writing a letter to your sick.. Lonely little daughter?!”

Julie snaps, and throws the chair in an horrible fashion
The orderly’s laughing, so she stabs in his throat with a passion
She takes the pen to her face, she’s tired of crying
Begins to draw a smile to hide the pain and the dying
But she drew too hard, the endorphins raced her into delirium
As she looks in the mirror, and gasps.. And asks “Why so serious?”

within the pages.from the darkest of caves, appeared the brightest light,
it seems right, i have found a worthy plight to fight.
i've spent nights, contemplating 'was it adam or the atom',
couldn't fathom what had happened, this madness left me saddened.
forget this life, i'm convinced there's no equal to the sequel.
but i'm in strife, don't want to just believe like these sheep do.
and far too feeble, to see to, the fucking evils of these people.
they are see through, they are wicked, very dark, medieval.
first hebrew, then latin, the final book was in arabic,
i've tried, man i've cried, but just couldn't fathom it,
man i'm not having it, heckling screams from wretched beings,
hectic scenes from pecking dreams, show me reckless fiends,

all in search for the power, but from the word they all cower,
and i really don't know how i, will fare in the final hour.
but all those in two towers, all they had was innocence,
using the book of god for your jihad, has sent me into sin.

now my madness has methods. so muderous. malicous.
murders went unheard of, sounds of scream taste delicious,
they're all sleeping with the fishes, may you have wet dreams,
i speak the language of anguish, all you hear is dead screams.
i am the victor of vice, the one who's lost his path.
deviations of these nations must've cost your wrath.
don't cross my staff, because i walk with the wicked,
body corpses inflicted with horrific torture, it's sickening.
within these pages, i couldn't really cage all the rage,
read between the lines of coke, and see why i've aged like the sages.

i refused to no-show.

edit ; having said that, pretty sure this is the shittest written i'm submittin'.

R-dog - LOL I love that last line for the honest truth, "Why so serious?" Powerful 3 word closer. It really captured her personality well. Wehter this was a brilliant mistake or a plan, it worked well. Theres not much I did not like about this but I felt there was room for improvement in some areas I will touch on soon.

What did I like ? I like the narrative fist. It was a smooth read allowing it the option to be either spoken word or Nu'manarian flow. It paced along without bumping over too many unnecessary descriptions irrelevant to story development. So good job here with that, it really looks good against the pretty flow of your first verse, 2 weeks ago. However, there is always room for cleaner, tighter narrative effects that bring story more efficient. . . not to say this lacked so this verse was not a problem per say in this area for me.

What could have been improved ? Well, the dialog. It really was not consistent to what a real troubled minded female would be like, that is to say, it was not authentic to me. Get some really devilish dialog to really make the reader that much more soaked up in your story. As it stood, it was just run of the mill cliché dialog. Write dialog in the mood of your character. Still, the dialog was sufficient to move the story, though the lazy treatment of it really took some type of edge away.

I had a thought too. While reading this I felt that the orderly could have been the evil one planning to kill the sick patient. That would of been a different, unexpected twist, instantly taking the reader, because lets be honest, 8/10 writers take the predictable route.

I tell you the truth, I was genuinely enjoyed your story brother R-dog.

Brother Nu'marian flow - I can't say that I always remember your stories or tropicals but one thing is for sure. I never forget your stylistic flow. It is a pretty thing when one can sit, read a verse, and have the flow roll of the tounge...effortlessly.

I like the direction here a lot in this verse, and I know it was sorta incomplete so I'll keep that in mind with the feedback:

We had a lot of statements from the narrator, whomever this person was, and not so much substance of direction in the sense of matter: time, space and conflict. However, I really thought the boldness of voice was strong here with the matter of fact inner dialog. I think the flow was mandatory to accent this...very well. Without completeness my thoughts remain limited on what else I should hold you too.

Since flow was beautiful I must comment on some of it.

I thought you weakest line was a line that did not fit into the syntax of your overall verse:

forget this life, I'm convinced there's no equal to the sequel.

To me, this sounded cheesy. The 'equal' to 'sequel' bumpy bump really interrupted the flow. But it was instantly picked back up by my two favorite lines in the very next bar:

but I'm in strife, don't want to just believe like these sheep do.
and far too feeble, to see to, the fucking evils of these people.

To me this was striking while the iron was hot. Also I want to give you props for the insight of this verse into thoughts not easy to express...considering a lot of writers completely fail to bring forth this effect. Good job brother nu.

res:
lol.. I had to chuckle at the end of this.. it wasn't because the ending was a shock or a surprise cause as soon as she was giving the pen you knew what would happen.. It was the last line after she draws a smile on her face "why so serious" you truly captured insanity.. And the first stanza with the opening letter it set up the second stanza beautifully.. Vocab was strong and the idea was interesting.. Flow was hot.. nice drop..

Nu:
Yeh it started pretty basic, flow, vocab and any story development at all.. BY the hit of the third and final stanza oh boy everything picked up and would have been a brutal showdown if you had written a full verse with this kind of talent and passion..

Resilient - im with the others who said the last line cracked them up. didnt expect that. but this was really good. i never felt like i was losing interest or anything. it was pretty obvious what was going to happen, but that didnt take anything away from it. i had issue with some of the rhymes you used. "blanket/jacket trust her/busted/disgusting" didnt work well. but in other areas it was really nice. but all in all this was a nice verse.

Nu- its a shame you werent able to finish this because i was really digging the direction you were headed in. not really a surprise at all that you wrote something about religion. i enjoyed the way you opened up. i really liked the first four lines of your first stanza, and the first four of your third. flow was nice. too bad you werent able to finish.

Resil - This was a very good story. You developed it nicely and delivered it well. The flow was good and the rhymes were nice. I think this was a huge step up from the previous stories you wrote. Good work on knocking off the dust and just in time for the tournament. Still think your wording could be worked out a little. Good work tho.

Nu - I enjoyed the meaning of this story. The rhymes were solid and felt natural. You just didn't really develop anything or put much effort into this. These are things you already know since you just submitted this to prevent a no show so i won't say more about it.

Resilient
A strong and powerful story.
The flow was smooth through the most parts,
The rhymes where good and the story well told.
I got a little lost were you repeated the line “I bet he’s like me now”
. Etc, but that’s most likely me and my reading.
But I loved your story nicely done

Nu maan
Firstly let me say I have never read your work before, and it is lovely to read.
Smooth and flowing rhymes. Makes it an easy read and an enjoyable one
The story was strong and the imagery was good.
In all areas it was well delivered, and strong
Nice drop
I have told others and so I will let you know. I always hate to vote. Because it’s so hard. And I am a lazy reader. I don’t know how to offer advice just one persons opinion
For the flow and rhymes that made it so easy to read
Vote Nu maan