Samuel Adams Bonfire Rauchbier

Ok, I know our thing here is junk food reviews, but I need to throw in a beer review. My reason for this is because I sometimes feel the need to warn and protect my fellow humans from making dumbass decisions… such as buying any quantity of Samuel Adams Bonfire Rauchbier. Plus, it’s been a minute since I’ve had the chance to really rip on something awful.

I was sitting here this morning thinking of what I could review today. Over the weekend I tried a Sprecher brand bottle of root beer for the first time, and while I would have reviewed it today, we just did an entire salute to root beer (but I’ll review it later). But when I was contemplating the flavors in this awesome bottle root beer, I noticed that it had dark and fiery undertones to it. I’ll save the details for later, but it was pretty good shit. It started to remind me of back in the day when I used to drink… when I’d be in the mood for darker beers and attempt to break down the ingredients while killing a bottle. I then started thinking about the beer brewing process and how the lightness/darkness of beer is determined by how roasted the malt/grains are. I think I thought about this too much… because it then reminded me of the time I had a Samuel Adams rauchbier. That’s when shit hit the fan.

Seriously folks, this is probably one of the worst fucking things ever. And I don’t mean just beer, I mean all things under the sun. It’s making me mad just thinking about it. Have you ever gone to a late night bonfire, just flat out drunk and ripped out of your skull, while you sit there getting a face full of bonfire smoke and yaking away to some stranger about why alien life can actually exist on Jupiter’s moon Europa? You get so wrapped up in conversation that you just breath bonfire smoke for 2 hours. Then you have that moment where you’re comfy-cozy-baked-n-sozzled in your collapsible chair and just chill there by yourself while half asleep for another half hour… breathing even more smoke without even thinking about it. You finally wake up and you’re either fully clothed in bed or reclined back in your car seat on the side of an old country road… just reeking of bonfire and old beer. Your throat is sore from talking all night and breathing fiery hell. Your head is bumpin’ and you feel like you’ll never smell clean again. THIS is what drinking a Samuel Adams Bonfire Rauchbier tastes like: a stout with bonfire ashes and hate stirred in. It’s SO fucking disgusting, and I don’t see how anyone in their right mind could enjoy this beer. But of course, back when I drank I was a pretty intense alcoholic… and if it had hops and alcohol, then goddammit I drank it. I found myself drinking the entire case of the Sam Adams craft pack I bought which had 9 tasty beers and just 3 rauchbiers in it. When I woke up the next morning after polishing the case off, it felt like I went to a bonfire and my throat had that chemically hurt to it. It took like 5 tooth brushings and a half a bottle of Listerine to get the taste out, and even then I felt like I had ground up hellstone flowing through my veins. And if you think it’s bad going in………

The Bonfire Rauchier beer is simply a bad fucking idea. Unless you enjoy feeling like Satan’s sweaty boxer briefs, stay away from this horrible concoction. In fact, if you ever see a bottle of Sam Adams rauchbier, give no thoughts or fucks, just break it, throw holy water on it, and run the other direction. Terrible, horrible, shitty beer. Behold, I give you Snort Ramen’s first BEC rating of:

Don’t let the BEC see you drinking this shit because, seriously, he’ll disembowel you and do bong rips with your innards.

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