Sunday, 15 November 2015

Pork scratchings are acceptable to make a
lot of noise eating, end of list.

People who chew soup, slapping their jaws
together between every spoonful, people who make over exaggerated gulping
noises when swallowing food, people who slap their mouths and get half chewed
food everywhere when eating.

I have no idea what makes people eat like
this. I always think of going on a date or on a business lunch (is that just an
American thing? I’m not sure) and having to make an impression. What kind of
impression does it give if you chew soup? I’m
an idiot and I don’t know how food works is what it makes me think.

And as for these over exaggerated gulping
noises. WHAT THE FUCK is up with that? You are not a seagull swallowing a whole
fish for fuck sakes, eat normally.

I genuinely have heard people half way
through a meal saying “mmmmm that’s nice”
as if making the mmmm sound wasn’t bad
enough you have to talk to…who are you talking to exactly? Who the fuck cares? The
only time to talk about a meal is when you turn to someone who has cooked for
you to compliment their cooking. Or when you are out for a meal with people and
you comment on the quality of the food after the meal.

I question how many people on this shitty
little island are inbred at times.

Saturday, 14 November 2015

Facebook people are the worst. Now I’ve
split my most hated types of Facebookers into groups below so that I stat on
track.

Game/app spammers –

Let us start with these dicks. Everyone has
them on Facebook and everyone has someone blocked from sending them stupid
requests to games and shit.

Who is playing these games? I play actual
video games all the time and never once have I thought “damn let’s sign into Facebook and play imagine we’re a farmer”. I mean
what the fuck? It wouldn’t even be so bad if you didn’t have to bug your (Facebook) friends with this shit, I’ve
had “help (insert name) plant corn”
and “(insert name) needs rope can you
help them out” only if the ropes to hang themselves so they stop sending me
these stupid fucking request. Bit harsh? Maybe I should move on.

Attention seekers –

Next up we have attention seekers.

“OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS HAS HAPPENED
TODAY”

“whats
happened?”

“I’LL INBOX YOU HUN”

If you have to inbox someone about it here’s
a theory… don’t put the original post on Facebook, you dumb fuck. The least you
could do is tell us what’s up in the comments instead of inboxing people. Come
on give us all something to laugh at. No? OK, you absolute click bait whore.

ARRRGH! These people really get me, the please like my status, please comment dipshits who make up
problems to seem as though they’ve got stuff going on in their lives.

This is topped only by the queen of
emotional Facebook whoring. The top of the tree at attention seeking. That’s
right it’s the Facebook is my therapist poster.
The absolute cringe that I’m hit with when I read one of these posts is phenomenal.
Not sure what posts I’m on about? Here’s an example.

“I have been struggling with my mental health a lot
this past couple of years, the dark times never seem to end. But recently there
has been a shining light in my life and I no longer feel all alone. Thank you
all for your support through these tough times, and I wasn’t sure I’d make it. I’m
still not truth be told, but I stay strong and stay positive for you people, I am
proud to call you friends”

Followed by the same person posting a funny
video of a cat falling down the stairs and pictures of them out getting pissed
at the weekend before posting the same fake bullshit next week.

The thing that really pisses me off is
there are people out there who generally need help. Who have real depression
and real problems. So when some childish, attention seeking twat goes fishing
for likes with one of these posts it makes me want to throw up… in a bucket and
pour it over their head, in some sort of sick
bucket challenge to raise awareness of real mental health issues.

I could go on all day about these
fucktards, but you know what they’re not worth it. NEXT!

Serial commenters

Fake post sharers –

Oh these guys, I hate them but love to
laugh at them. I saw two people on my timeline share the same photo of these
supposed dog-nappers once. The only problem being one was in Manchester and the
other was in Portsmouth a 240mile, 5-hour journey in a day just to steal dogs.
Oh and did I mention its was the exact same picture, that was supposedly taken
by both original posters?

Another favourite of mine was in the weeks
leading up to Halloween. People (mostly middle aged white mothers) would share
a photo of these Superman, Playboy, smiley face, skull looking pills that
looked more like Pez candies to me (if
anyone remembers them). With a post saying “people are giving out these ecstasy tablets to children beware this Halloween”,
or some similar sounding shit.

Now I’m not Richard Branson but I think
that if you are a drug dealer and you are giving away your product to someone
too young to think “fuck it, Dad where’s
me pocket money I’ve got to go and get off my tits from that candy that man
gave me on Halloween” then you might just be doing bad business. And just a
whim here as well but to give out molly to every child who visited your house
that night (presuming you live in a town or city) would cost you a fuck load of
money. And lastly come on people have you ever dealt with a drug dealer? You’re
lucky to get what you pay for let alone get freebies. Unless you’re reading
this Frank then keep up the good work buddy I’ll see you Saturday.

Rehashing old photos –

We are nearly at the end of this patchwork
rant now but there are still a few types of Facebook posters I need to mention.

Like the people who share a photo from 4
years ago and comment on what a wonderful night that was and how they love their
friends. Sad fuckers that are stuck in the past and have to cling on to every
little good thing that’s happened to them because come Monday morning they will
be back to that job they hate, to pay for the mortgage on a house that’s literally
a few miles from the house they grew up in.

Also an extension to these posters is the
ones who sign up for and app, usually a horoscope which posts shit on their
wall every-single-day without them having to do a thing. Hell I doubt they even
read it themselves, it’s only purpose to be out there annoying other human
beings.

Bigots –

Also if you are unlucky enough to live in
the UK like I am, you will have come across a Facebook racist. Usually sharing
fake posts from bullshit fucking groups/pages that are anti-muslim, pro-army,
ultra right wing nonsense.

I’m going to give these people as few a
word count as possible as they are mostly what I call English Rednecks.

Bonus round –

Ok here’s a bonus round of the types of
people who piss me of intermittently these people can be; close friends, colleagues
or even people you hardly know or never really see post until you see one of
these; soldiers/nurses should get
footballers wages and footballers should get soldiers/nurses wages, I’m sharing this status as a tribute to/to
raise awareness for… I bet most of you wont have the guts to share this.

OK there’s so much stupid there where do we
start?

Footballers aren’t paid by the government and
nurses and soldiers are. That’s the difference between public and private
sector workers, you moron.

Not having the guts to share a status? Are you
kidding me? Sharing a status about whatever the cause or point you are trying
to make is a big fat fuck all whether it’s a worthy cause or not. So don’t be a
thick cunt you’re not going to save/change the world by sharing this dumb
status, you really care about it get off you arse and do something about it.

Some people are so stupid it hurts.

Oh and people who feel the need to check in
and out of places all the time and tag the people they are with in it. Come on,
no one gives a fuck you’re at nandos, get the fuck off my news feed.

LASTLY –

Well done if you managed to get this far
who knew Facebook could make you rant this much? Oh that’s right everyone, but
everyone still has it don’t they?

The last group I’d like to share are the
serial spammers (but not like any off the ones mentioned above).

These spammers are the ones who rarely post
pictures, rarely post statues but constantly share articles and photos from
pages. Now the reason I left these scum bags until last is… I am one of them. In
fact, the only reason I still have Facebook is to like and share motivational
quotes or news stories you’re not going to get on the BBC. Malcolm X once said
that knowledge is power and it’s the one thing nobody can take away from you, I’m
paraphrasing but that’s the gist of it. I was 15 when I first read that quote
and it was too late for me to start to pay attention in school but it wasn’t too
late for me to educate myself about the world. Which I continue to do everyday.
The reason I share what I do is to hopefully enlighten people to unplug
themselves from the matrix as it were and to grow as a person. I am a lot of
things, some good, some bad but I continue to grow and learn everyday. And as
much as I hate people I am willing to put stuff out there to hopefully provide
the tools someone needs to grow.

“Many people die at twenty-five and aren't buried until they are seventy-five.”
– Benjamin Franklin

Friday, 13 November 2015

Now this is a Chris Rock joke so watch it
then we’ll discuss. This has a shit load of bad language in so keep that in mind if you're at work or at you children's nursery. This is just a snippet I'll post the whole 8 minute clip at the end of the post because it's funny as fuck and if you haven't seen it you should.

Ok watched it? Good. How true is this? I mean
I have literally just seen something on Facebook, a person I know shared a
photo of a guy holding up a sign that reads “I’ve
been clean off Meth and Heroin for 1 and a half years, can I get a like and a
share?”. No, no you can’t. See I have several problems with this. 1 what
good is it actually going to do if I like and share this photo? You don’t get
paid from it. You wont get famous particularly, unless someone makes you into a
meme. And you aren’t supposed to do drugs in the first place you fucking dumb,
dumb. Well not those drugs anyway. If you’re stupid enough to try them knowing
that they are massively addictive, well you stupid as hell.

And don’t get it twisted I’m not an anti
drug guy by any means. In fact, I think all drugs should be legalized and
regulated. Like if the reason you don’t smoke meth is because it’s illegal you’re
an idiot. The reason you shouldn’t smoke Meth is because that shit will fuck
you up, that should be your reason. Like if all drugs were made legal you’d run
out and grab a gram of coke because the
government say it’s ok, fucking sheeple.

Any way that’s a short one for today. I
feel more stuff about Facebook bubbling inside me so I’m probably going to
dedicate tomorrows rant to Facebook folks. God I hate Facebook.

Thursday, 12 November 2015

“Oh
my God how are you? You look amazing, we really should meet up more often”

Sound familiar? You’ve experienced fake
people. But these fake people are fine, they are in and out of your life no
fuss.

The worst fake people are those semi-permanent
fuckers who don’t know you, will never really try to get to know you, and have
no personality to get to know. The people who are sickly sweet to your face but
talk shit behind your back. The scum of the earth if you will?

The fake people I’m talking about are those
who sometimes try to give you advice in an artificial happy-tone when the
contents of what they are saying is somewhat negative. Now that sounds like a
complex thing but if you’ve ever experienced it you’ll know what I mean. And if
you’ve ever been unemployed I am 90% sure you will have had one of these in the
form of a “I’ve heard that new supermarket
down the road is hiring, and with your degree you could go in at management
level, a jobs a job after all”. Oh my God thank you for such wonderful
advice I spent 3 years at university specializing in a subject to become an
Aldi manager. Not that there is anything wrong with that at all, but when it’s
the wrong advice for you there is literally no point in even talking,
especially when you’re fake as fuck and know nothing about me.

An easy way to know if you have a fake
person in your life is to see what others say about them. If other close family
members say things like “they are hard to
get to know” or “they’re a funny
person” or even a “There is something
fucking wrong with them” you may have a fake person. See if people are not
sure about them even after spending time with them then there’s a problem for
sure.

Fake people are usually nice, which is the
worst thing about them. You lose your shit with them you look like a cunt and
they walk away smelling of flowers (albeit artificial ones). And when I say
nice I mean fake nice obviously, kiss you on the cheek but stab you in the back
kind of people.

Now there is a time to be fake. There
always will be times when you bump into a friend who you haven’t seen in 5+
years and have nothing in common with anymore but still feel the need to speak
to them. This is the only acceptable fakeness and does not make you a fake
person. The problem is with negatively charged fake people not fake to not hurt
someone’s feelings fake.

This is all quite
confusing and fake people are one of the hardest types of people to have in
your life (believe me). The worst thing being I have no solution to
them. Ignore them until they are out of your lives is about the best advice but
that’s neither here nor there as it’s easier said than done when you don’t have
to put up with these people.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

So due
to talking about toiletness in yesterdays blog I thought I would pick up where
we left off (sort of) and get it all out of our system (bad pun, I’m sorry).

Now
let me start this off my saying children, especially little boys are excused
for missing the bowl and pissing on the seat as long as they get an adult to
come and clean in up, it’s fine they will learn and eventually be that bit
taller that peeing will be made easier (or at least should be). However, there
are people among us that are either complete morons or just don’t give a shit
about other people (I fear that mostly it’s a bit or quite a lot of both of
these things). But grown men or any male 16 years and above who don’t lift the
seat up to pee are idiots. For one why? Its lazy to not lift the seat up and
takes no energy to do anyway so just fucking do it. And two, if you do for some
completely unknown and unjustifiable reason pee with the seat down, clean up
after yourself. No one wants to sit in your piss you disgusting shit head.

These
men really need to check themselves or at the very least sit down to piss. If
you can’t handle having a cock, piss like a little girl.

Now I am
a man before anyone thinks this is an estrogen/oestrogen
(unsure of the spelling and the internet didn’t help) fueled rant, and I have
missed the toilet bowl more than my fair share of times, either due to being drunk,
trying to piss with boner or the one time I got attacked by a wasp mid stream.
But here’s the thing, the magic secret that these toiletmissers don’t seem
to understand… I cleaned up after myself on every occasion. It took no more
than 2 minutes to clean up on any occasion, the longest clean up being the wasp
incident.

No excuses. Lift the seat, clean up after
yourself or piss like a girl. They are your options fucktards.

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

For me this comes in the form of being
woken up by; shouting/loud conversations, people stomping up and down stairs, hoovering,
doors slamming, cupboards slamming and my favourite bickering (when two people
are arguing/disagreeing but not overly aggressively more when a teenager is
told to do something and they fight out there cause with a parent, that kind of
thing).

This is at most inconsiderate and
disrespectful or at least absent minded and just a little bit cunty. The
biggest problem I have with this is that I am the kind of person who if I knew
someone hadn’t got to be up early, if it was their one day off from work say, I
would make sure to be quite in everything I did. But again that’s just me. It
seems a lot of my problems with other people stem from the fact that I expect
more from them because I would go out of my way to not impact someone’s day negatively.
From my life experience it seems we are the 1%, the thinkers, the considerate.

This is not completely an act of being
woken up prematurely mind you. This also comes in the form of people moving
your stuff. This is my number one hate with people you have to live with.
Nothing winds me up more than not being able to find something I need/want to
use as it has been moved from the place where I left it. The worst thing about
this for me is I could understand moving my stuff if I in fact left it on the floor
in the middle of a communal room for people to trip over, but I wouldn’t do
that as I am a pretty considerate person as stated before. I mean come on
moving a wallet from one shelf to another is not tidying, its borderline mental
illness and is completely unnecessary unless the original location of the
wallet was taking up space in which something else is more suited, which is
never the case the original location is always left bare and unused merely two
feet from the new location (this is a personal one can you tell?).

What annoys me more is when the same person
who moves your shit then leaves I don’t know let’s say a handbag on the stairs,
about three or four steps up pushed to the side but with the strap lying across
the step like a bear trap waiting to latch onto your ankle but instead of nearly
cutting your foot off, gravity sends you flying back down those four steps,
which might as well be a ten foot drop as the butterflies in your stomach have
no concept of falling distances. This however has never actually happened to me
but I’ve had a few near misses.

Shared bathrooms are also hard in a house
full of inconsiderate people. I luckily have a toilet in shed that’s attached
to our house for “emergencies”. Thank
God, Allah, Buddah and Bruce Wayne for that outside toilet, its saved my ass
(more like my underwear) more times than I can count due to people having long
showers or cleaning the bathroom at 8 a.m.

Unfortunately, there is sweet fuck all you
can do about this most of the time and your best bet is to sit out the shit
storm (sometimes a little more literal than I’d like) and dream of a day where
you can live alone in a cave away from horrible people. You might even befriend
a fox and a squirrel and live happily ever after in a sort of mashup of Jungle
Book and The Animals of Farthing wood. (Oh shit, I’ve finally lost it).

But anyway on a serious note as Fleetwood
Mac say “Don’t stop thinking about
tomorrow”, and even though you might still be stuck surrounded by these
people tomorrow you wont be for the rest of your life, so for now work at
getting away, make a plan so that you will never have a morning ruined again.

Monday, 9 November 2015

I’m starting to think this blog should have
been called The Types of People I Hate.

So there are these horrible parasitic types
that drag you down when you’re up. I’m sure this has happened to all of us
although maybe everyone else hasn’t always been surrounded by the miserable
negative people I have.

These are the (as Kevin Smith would say)
why people, the people who always as why or always see the worst in everything,
the every cloud has a shit stained lining people. The type of person who you’d
tell you won the £10mil jackpot on the lottery and they’d say why couldn’t it
have been the £72mil Euro. Try to surround
yourselves with why not people as Kevin Smith would say, and you know what
he’s right. For most of my life I was a why person and all I can say is thank
fuck I’m not anymore.

These people are generally negative in
every aspect of there life and that’s fine because I once read that “their (negative people) life is their
punishment” which I truly believe. The most negative people I’ve ever met are
some of the biggest underachievers on the planet. People with potential which
they never full reached and as a consequents are living lives that were chosen
for them rather than lives that they chose themselves. This is one of the
saddest things that can happen to a human, but I believe we choose our own
paths. These people believe that they are powerless when negative thing have happened
to them, I say the way you react to the bad stuff that happens to you defines
you.

Don’t get caught in the trap of negative
thinking, it’s a vicious cycle that is hard to get out of.

Again going back to Kevin Smith but in his
book Tough Shit (which is in my top
10 books ever, especially for motivation and positivity. Oh and dick jokes,
that guy loves dick jokes) he say if you want to do something good encourage an
artist. This is a top tip, I love this, because there are too many negative
people in the world telling you that you can’t do something or you can’t achieve
something. One that’s been thrown at me quite a lot in my life has been: “But how many people who try that actually
make money doing it?” or one of the million variations that this comes in.
How defeatist is that? I was listening to an old Joe Rogan Experience podcast
the other day where he had Magnus Walker on. If you don’t know who Magnus is,
he is an ex-fashion designer, ex-film locationer (not the technical term, I just
mean he rented out property he owned to film companies) and now spends all his
time making custom Porsches as a hobby. Any way his story goes like this: he
was born in Sheffield, England and never knew what he wanted to do so after
sitting on the dole for a while he went to America and the rests history. Anyway
on the podcast he said how in England (especially outside London) you are told
to stay in your box, to not strive to be anything other than what you are
expected to be and to “live within your
means”. This is certainly true for me growing up in middle England, hell I’m
the first in my immediate family to go to university and get a degree, just let
that sink in a minute the first member of my family finished university in
2015. Why go to university when you can work in a shop? Or be a builder? No
thank you.

So fuck people who try to bring you down.
At the end of the day no one knows what’s best in life, which is certainly true
for everyone I’ve ever met. Most people I know have no idea what they’re doing
at 45 so who the fuck are they to judge anyone. And as my man Magnus would say “go
with your gut feeling” as you know what’s best for you.

Sunday, 8 November 2015

If there’s one thing that’s childish as
fuck its whispering. Why the fuck would you do it? It’s rude as fuck. If you’ve
got something to say announce it to the whole room don’t be such a coward. And don't be so fucking disrespectful.

This is about all I have to say on this
matter.

Short and sweet.

But seriously if you’re in a room full of
people don’t fucking whisper.

Saturday, 7 November 2015

Dull/Boring
people, the ones who are not interested in anything at all, no hobbies, no
desire, no passion, no life? The last one is possibly a bit harsh but fuck it they’re
so dull they’ve never even heard of a blog let alone read one.

Now I may
have made that sound like they do nothing, but that’s laziness not boringness.
These people do…some stuff, but its always watered down. It’s half a shandy
instead of a can of special brew. They might watch Twilight but never The
Walking Dead. They’ll accept a can of coke but never a gram (couldn’t resist
that last one).

But
seriously every aspect of their lives is as dull as possible they surround themselves
with romantic novels and watch The Great British Bake off yet would never bake
a cake themselves.

Their
music taste is pop music from their teen years, the years when they were
slightly less dull. Yawn, even typing this up is boring me.

Picky
eaters also fall into this category. Chips do not count as continental just
because you call them French fries. Not willing to try anything new and straight
up afraid of the world are these people living or merely surviving? (I think I’m
going to be saying that a lot on this blog).

If I never
tried new music, never tried a new cuisine, never read a book I wasn’t sure
about, never watched a film that wasn’t out of my comfort zone or never did
things I was told not to do I would be one of these pointless, boring lemmings
and I don’t think I could hack it, although if you know no different I suppose
you don’t see that anything’s wrong. Its like the people who only get their
news from one source, the sheeple if you will who read The Daily Mail and watch
BBC news at 6 and think they are people of the world while they are being force
fed bullshit news and being told which politicians to love and which to hate,
when we really know that the only correct way is to hate all of them.

Don’t be
boring. I’m never bored there are too many books I’ve never read, too many
songs I’ve not listened to, too many films I’ve not seen, too many people I know
nothing about.

That
last ones a biggie (and I don’t mean smalls) some of the coolest shit I’ve
learned has come from people that I didn’t know anything about until I found
them. The biggest one for me is the writer Hunter S. Thompson, a man who I have
no idea how I found, but once I read my first book of his (Kingdom of Fear) I was
hooked. What a guy! A drug addled, gun wielding, speed freak who lived his 67
years to the fucking fullest.

“Life should not
be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and
well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a
Ride!” – Hunter
S. Thompson

If you
ever wanted a reason to get off your arse and do something that’s it folks. I’d
much rather die at 150mph on a 1200cc Ducati at 50 than be 80 riddled with
cancer or worse dementia. Now that might seem harsh but its truthfully my view
on things.

Friday, 6 November 2015

If
there’s one thing I hate, it’s a lack of respect from people. Now that may have
made me sound like a pensioner, in fact that definitely made me sound like a
pensioner but oh well they’re not all bad, I mean they do always have sweets,
even if they are Werther’s Originals. But anyway back to business.

The
people I’m talking about are the kind of people who for lack of a better phrase
look down their noses at you, the
kind of people who are ignorant to anyone else’s way of life that isn’t their
own. These people are usually beige, not even beige, more magnolia or even cream
in colour and the only reason they aren’t plain white is they might have smoked
a cigarette once, or possibly been clubbing, they may even have a small easily
hidden tattoo. The most boring type of people you will ever meet. The type of
people who are born, work, live and die in the same town for 70 odd years until
they expire. They may be survivors but they never really live. I may have
stolen that but I can’t remember where from if I have so lets just pretend its
mine.

These
are the kind of people who will jump at any chance to have a snide little
comment the kind of comment when someone in the room asks if somebody has moved
something they chime in with a “Well I haven’t
moved, it have I?” this can also come in the form of a “Well it wasn’t me, was it?”. They are usually passive aggressive
people who would shit themselves if you merely raised your voice to them.

These
ugly (always personality, sometimes physically) people are the kind of people
who put themselves on pedestals and will be quick to put you down if you’re out
of work or trying to do something that they deem “different” even though they are so vanilla, strawberry seems like a
walk on the wild side to them (but more on dull, boring people in the future).

I guess what I’m getting at is that there is no
need to ever be like this with people, not really. I always think that there is
no one set way to live your life. Some people are rich, some are poor, some
love their jobs, some hate their jobs, some fat, some thin. No need to carry on
I’m sure you get it. The thing is everyone wants different things from life and
defines success in a different way. My definition of success is that of the
legend that is Bob Dylan - “A man is a
success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between
he does what he wants to do.”

That quote is sugar
for me even if its shit for you. That sums up my philosophy on life quite well.

The worst thing
about this type of person is they come in so many forms they might be just some
do-gooder with their nose in the air, or they could be a middle manager at some
pointless company who doesn’t seem to realize how easily they could be replaced
by some other robot, or even an artist (this one saddens me I hate it when
creative people are negative).

I guess what I’m
getting at is distance yourself from these people and when/if you ever become
more successful than them never let them forget it, you know unless they are a
perfect stranger, I’m not condoning stalking strangers to prove a point here.

Now my
idea of this Blog is sort of the opposite, it is to compose a response to
something verbal or physical that happens to me and to then post it instead of
saying it to the person in real life.

It’s
that simple, someone pisses me off with their words or actions or just generally
annoys me with their existence (which happens a lot). I simply post it here in
rant form which will hopefully be amusing in a comic sense, give you someone to
empathise with or at the very least make you glad you’re not me.

Oh
shit, I’ve just thought this sounds like it’s going to be some sort of rant
therapy to stop me being violent or otherwise cunty to people in my real life…
Well you know what it might actually be just that.

Anyhoo
that’s the intro done keep checking back to see what type of person has pissed
me off on that particular day, be it a loud snoring stranger on a train or a
middle aged white man in BMW who thinks he’s the only one on the road.

Just
realised a better title for the Blog would have been Biting My Thread but oh well
I’ve made it now too late.