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Friday, April 29, 2005

So, yeah, I read a lot of blogs, and occasionally, because I've read one too many sappy poem that makes me want to vomit blood (ok, some are not bad, but most suck so hard they make the hairs on my anus stand), I decide to mock all these fuckers by producing my version of their shitty poems:

First, poems have to have a shitty name, that doesn't tell me jack shit about why the fuck I should be reading them. Something like 'pretty flowers' or 'birdies with wings' or some shit like that. Fuck, man, you know what I do with birdies with wings? I fucking eat them. Here is a picture of my favourite type of bird with wings:

Can you say yummy chicken? If you're a blog poet, probably not, because you're too busy being pretentious to say anything with less than three syllables in it. Hey, asshole, take your fingers out of your ass and write normally, jerkface! Gah! I fucking hate shit poems!

Next, the shittiest poems always, always, always rhyme. Now, I used to write a shitload of poems myself. Reading all my old poems, I've come up with a simple formula:

For those of you who don't understand, that simply means that, in amateur poetry, the degree of rhyme will be proportional to the degree of suck.

Compare the following two poems:

My love for you is like the seaAnd we can run to where we're freeAnd I will give you pretty lilliesAnd feed you many ikan billis

Compare with:

Fuck youPoems are gaySo are you, faggot.

I like the second one better.

You know what the problem is? The problem is, that too few people are willing to tell their friends, 'hey, you know what? Your poems suck ass,' Instead, they will be all impressed at their friends' 'sensitive sides' and shit like that, and be like, 'oooh, you wrote a poem you're so sensitive' or some shit like that. I used to force my friends to listen to the shit that I wrote, and I know, inside, they were thinking, 'man, I wish this fuckhead would stop reading me his suckass poetry' but on the outside they were like, 'yeah, that's pretty good.'

Bullshit.

Fortunately, I eventually got pretty good at writing poetry. You can see the evidence here and here. Notice the lack of a) rhyme scheme and b) stupid wanky feelings bullshit. Especially angst. I fucking hate angst. If you're all tortured and shit like that, you might as well convert your feelings to rage, because rage makes for much better writing. Again, a comparison:

The sands of the hourglassFly by fleetinglyAs I am trapped in my prisonOf sand, and I amSad

Compare this with:

That fuckhead!I will rip off his headOpen his mouth on the groundAnd piss in his lifeless mouth, motherfucker!

Second poem wins, with extra points for judicious use of the word 'motherfucker'.

In conclusion, let me write a poem mocking all the shitty poems I see on shit blogs:

Sunshine and Love

I went for a walk and I saw the sunAnd so I thought I'd start to runAnd write poems too, oh look, I'm a pretentious fucking faggotWhat the fuck rhymes with that oh...err...maggot!And baggot! What the fuck is a baggot? I don't knowOh woe! Oh woe!I love the sun because it is warmAnd I have shit for brainsDon't you like my poetryAnd this sensitive side of me?

Don't you see that weWere meant to be?I love the sun and I love youEven though I don't know anything about loveBecause I'm a pretentious piece of shit.

Yes, I know, I'm fucking awesome.

Ok, before I end, though, I have to say that, naturally, not all poems suck balls. My little brother has been writing a whole bunch of poems on his blog, and he's tolerable. As in, I don't want to puke out my insides when I read his poems. This says a lot, because it really takes very little to make me want to puke out my insides. That's how many shitty internet poems I've read. Also, my adopted son (long story) consistently churns out pretty good shit. Check out his re-wording of Hopkin's 'God's Grandeur' - see, it's not shit, even though it rhymes, and is based off another poem. Yes, I like shit like that.

Edit: a certain suzy also brought to attention another of my son's parodies which I think is fantabulous: go read!

So, to conclude, before writing poetry, please stop to analyze whether you suck. If you want to have an unbiased opinion, feel free to email me your shit, and I will give you a suck-o-meter rating. Actually, don't, because I can't be bothered to read your shit. Ask your english teacher instead. Oh, and if you have to write a poem, and don't think you're all that good, at least do us all a favour and get yourself wasted, first. Nobody wants to read angsty shit.

Today's Blog Babe: jiameei; why does she have 2 'e's in her name? I have no idea. Ask her. I hesitated in linking her for a while, because she looks really young. Then I realized that she just turned legal, and thought to myself, eh, why not?

juish/josh/joshua/whatever you call your son writes some damn good shit, i always damn jealous of him. i like the poem he wrote about me the best. but he wrote a damn good parody of ts eliot: the love song of laurent blanc. on his blog, 21 april 03. you should read it, if you haven't.

Nabeiz, I wrote a shitty poem at work and I was thinking "hey, haven't seen any poems lately, so this entry will show my originality and creativity." Sekali after I post I discovered that everybody writing poetry. Nabeiz nabeiz nabeiz nabeiz.

if you actually run out of blog babes, will u like, wait till u find one before you allow yourself to post? or just post whatever u wanna say and hope no one notices you forgot the whole blog babe thing? lolz.

as long as you're not referring to any of my poems. (: this post is kinda funny. but some rhyming poems are really kinda nice. depends on the cheemalogy. =D tht's pretty lame.

suzie: I corrected my entry, and the poem you brought up? solid gold. especially seeing as to how i just spend ALL NIGHT playing winning eleven. Yes, that's right. All night.

gabrielle: hahaha....i like your use of fuck as a verb. 10 points. for censoring it, minus 5 points (per letter) for a total of 0 points. for effort, 30 points. therefore, overall, you pass. good poem. hurrah! extra points for not rhyming. x1.5 multiplier, for total of 45. and then, multiply this by 3 because i'm in a good mood. since my math is shit, you get 1000 points. can go publish on your blog already.

celle: hahaha...ok...your use of random ass words to rhyme makes your use of rhyme forgiveable. the fact that the whole poem is dedicated to me gives you 25 points, plus all the awesome multipliers, and length of poem, and the fact that you're a babe, aiyah...give you 1,500 points lah (sorry gabrielle, celly's poem longer, so more shiok for me). hurrah!

aq: paiseh paiseh....like i said, bro, bad timing lah.

azzurri81: wah biang...he always wait one corner first, right, encik? then after that, suddenly, FUCKING CHEEBYE! and the whole company line can hear. wah biang eh, you never see here is bigfuck.blogspot.com meh? want to say fuck, say fuck lah! nahbeh! p.s. WHO ARE YOU AH??? msn me, lah, cheebye.

jol: sweet! fucking sweet. fuckety fuck, that's fucking sweet.

jiameei: so your name is actually jiameei? fantastic. oh, and set up comment system, lah...tags are damn old fashioned, leh!

wongcheok: wah biang, i hope you're not being racist because i'm not racist, ok! some of my good friends are mat rockers, man! mat rock lives on! and actually, i kind of like punk, and dislike emo. sorry, mang.

sarah: no lah, not talking about your poems, lah....relak one corner!

ah 9: that's how everyone should write. all the fucking time. it's the revolution.

jiameei: Ah well, what to do? People often don't comment - for every hundred or so people who read your blog, most often, there'll be, like, ONE dude who comments. Which is really breathtakingly strange.

I skim a lot of blogs, and so far yours is in the Top 3 of my list of favorites. I'm going to dive in and try my hand at it, so wish me luck.

It'll be in a totally different area than yours (mine is about enlarge penis naturally) I know, it sounds strange, but it's like anything, once you learn more about it, it's pretty cool. It's mostly about enlarge penis naturally related articles and subjects.

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