Friends with Benefits
• Kas

Sex is just sex. Or so some believe. Others refuse to believe. The idea of friends with benefits or friends that you sleep with while not having a romantic relationship is one of controversy. I'm currently in a situation where I seem to have accidentally got into one. This sounds odd, yes. But I truly believed that this man was interested in dating me and becoming my boyfriend. This was not the case. Turns out he only wanted to sleep with me, yet remain friends. However, I had fallen. Fallen pretty hard for this guy, despite him obviously using me. I tried to make myself believe that I too was using him and that we both were benefitting from this relationship, or rather lack of relationship. But I found myself in tears far too often and hoping he would call late at night. All the time knowing that I was only going to feel worse after he left. I'm not mad at him though, I allowed this arrangement to continue and had hoped with all my feminist beliefs that I as a woman could have a purely sexual relationship without being a needy puddle of emotions at the end. I guess what I'm wondering is this: Can two people be just friends who have sex? Or will someone almost always get hurt? Also, I clearly still have feelings for this man. I don't want him out of my life but maybe that's the only way to heal? What do you think?

Answer

Honestly, he's going to visit for "benefits" until he can't. It's worked so far, and he'll continue as long as he's allowed. He has no reason to expect anything else. Not good. Not bad. Just is. Unfortunately both your needs were not communicated clearly from the beginning. Again, not good. Not bad. Just is.

So what happens next? What are YOUR needs and desires?

From what you wrote, this arrangement isn't working for you. I would say you need to be honest with yourself. He's not filling those needs. He, as things stand now, won't fill those needs. It's up to you to make sure those needs are being met. It's your responsibility and your responsibility alone. You both deserve your honesty. As far as he knows things are OK like they are. I have no idea how he'll respond to your honesty, but hiding the truth isn't working either.

Next question. Do you value yourself enough to be THAT honest?

He may leave. But in all honesty, as long as he's laying with you, that spot in the bed beside you is not open for the man who will love you, inside and out. There is the possibility that he does have feelings for you but won't show them for fear of being rejected, thinking YOU like this arrangement. I don't want to get your hopes up with this, but the FEAR to be HONEST is holding you back from ALL possibilities.

Sit with it. Feel your way through what you want. Let go of the HOW (and the WHO) and let yourself be loved. First by you.