I’VE BEEN A BAD BAD GIRL…

IN 2002 Alanis came out with a song “Narcissus”- five women I shared intimacies on different levels sent that song to me-it “reminded” them of me. It was a nicer way of saying “Sociopath” for some that I had damaged. A few sent it right away (duh-my types listen to Alanis) – the others sent it later on.. I actually love Under Rug Swept, and once Chantel heard it years later she said it rang a bell too- ha! I mean, I listened to it and it was undeniable.

That song could be the tell-all to the majority of my relationships.

For as long as I can remember there has been an endless supply of women more than willing to give it their alllllll-no matter who they see me with-no matter what mental state I’m in-nothing fucking matters. I have absolutely no idea what it is but as I try to pick it apart I think its because people think I’m a bad ass and women are FREAKISHLY attracted to that. fuck-Im attracted to it. And I was CARELESS and confident-a deadly combination for women who want to save you, and think they can change you.

I NEVER thought I would see the day I would get married. Most didn’t. The relationships I hold the closest thought I would-but I am certain most of them thought it would be to them. I thought that also with a few.

There was a time I was noble- I wouldn’t fuck with anyone who had a girlfriend. That only lasted until I was 20. Because people would then leave their girlfriends and I either had to deal with their exes coming up to me crying, or I would have to deal with the relentless threats from their dumb ass friends-which were short lived because I would either threaten to beat the shit out of them (me and my peeps at the time) or I would just have them removed from the clubs (we knew all the owners very personally back then.) I learned very quickly that when women want something NOTHING will stop them- loyalty, friendships, their peace of mind, family, their livelihood. NOTHING will keep them from a woman when they want them-it was a running joke for a long time with some of my old roomates that they were going to lose everything if they dated me. My old roomate Tami would do everything but move them physically to warn them away- told them they would lose their jobs by the following week-sure enough- come Monday you would find them hanging out on our couch because they wouldn’t want to leave me. Unemployed by Tuesday.

And I was NOT going to date anyone unemployed. So they were usually replaced by the following weekend. A never ending cycle for YEARS. I certainly lived a perfect single life. Not until I started lending my time to addicts did I know what kind of REAL crazy that could make someone. THAT is for a different entry.

Maybe in writing this I will find out what is “Wrong” with me. Why I am the way that I am. Maybe in writing everything out will I piece these things together to make a little more sense of things.

When I was young my parents were VERY VERY much in love. They were disgusting in love actually-making out and stuff all the time. Ew. But they certainly didn’t expose me to the lifestyle I made for myself of a revolving door or women and later guys. (trans guys). If there is something to the nature of your ways tho- as I find out more and more about my grandma-there are a ridiculous amount of similarities in very crazy ways. Its scary to find so many things in common with a part of a woman you’d never seen before. She was the equivalent of a womanizer-with men. An absolute party MONSTER.

The Hunger- it doesn’t matter how in love I am. It doesn’t matter how in love they are. It doesn’t matter how fucking amazing the sex is. It doesn’t matter how much attention I get. It doesn’t matter how much they give. It doesn’t matter how sexy. How hot. How beautiful. How satisfying. How deep. How new. How long. It doesn’t matter how hard they could make me cum. Doesn’t matter how many times. None of it ever matter-I.ALWAYS.NEEDED.MORE.

How INCREDIBLY unfair. More for me than anyone else. They have the ability to move on and find someone who can embrace who they are as people. I have to live knowing that it will never ever be enough. This hunger knows no long term satisfaction.

I am married. I have to add that here. I am married and I have been able to control the hunger for the sake of my marriage and the fact that we have children. The woman I am married to loves me but CERTAINLY doesn’t like me, and in a very well played move by karma, she is also one of the most un-expressive women you could ever meet and even on days where she thinks I look drop-dead AMAZING, I will get a simple “you look really nice honey” . (WORDS OF AFFIRMATION ARE MY LL #2- SO…YEAH…HAHA)

If you dont think THAT makes it ever more so torturous not to take advantage of the attention given elsewhere- you’re fucking wrong. And she KNOWS how much other people love me- she jokes about it – and isn’t cocky or empowered by it- she LOVES that she doesn’t have an obsession. For me- it feels like EXACTLY what a combination of every broken heart ever wished for me as revenge. Someone who was not as cold as I was-but much MUCH too cool for me.