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She is extremely intelligent and cunning. She knows how to read people. She knows how to get what she wants. She is a true sadist, but she cares in her own way. For example, she uses aftercare and makes sure Phedre is medically sound. In our world that is par for the course, but peeking into this fictional world and seeing more, it is clear she cares about Phedre. Yes, she sells Phedre illegally, but her intention was getting rid of her as a threat, yet keeping Phedre alive. Given the stakes of the Game of Houses, I do not think selling Phedre was unforgivable. Melisande is human; she has ambition. Phedre’s knowledge threatened her life and she knew she couldn’t trust Phedre to keep her secret. Most people in that circumstance would kill Phedre. It doesn’t hurt that she is described as gorgeous and rich.

I haven’t finished Kushiel’s Dart yet, so maybe Melisande does something reprehensible and unforgivable, but I do not think drugging and selling Phedre counts.

I’d happily live in Terre D’Ange; I wish masochism was revered and made someone worth more. I’m trying, I really am trying to accept myself, but I still think it makes me a freak. To be honest, I wouldn’t even mind the lack of technology, if only I could see myself through the eyes of Melisande Shahrizai.

Perhaps things would be different if I’d read Carey when the book came out and I was 12.

I don’t know how the others who were essentially born this way accept it. I wouldn’t feel like a freak if a significant other introduced me to BDSM as a teenager and I found it alluring. Most stories I hear are people discovering it after puberty. I feel like a creep for having these proclivities since my earliest conscious memory. Those childhood fantasies, unbidden by someone explaining the nature of pleasure and pain such as in Valerian House, are literally my earliest memory. I cannot adequately explain why, but that makes me feel dirty and wrong and sick and disgusting. I compare it to the difference between Phedre and Adepts of Valerian House. For her, it was inborn and nothing she did could change it. For them, if they could understand the concept of pain and pleasure intermingling, their education commenced with paired pain and pleasure. For them it was conditioned. I’m not saying people who needed a partner to introduce them to BDSM are not real masochists, sadists, Masters, or Mistresses, yet somehow I draw a distinction. For Phefre, her natural “gift” was seen as a rare blessing.

I want to live in a world where my disease is seen as a gift (Yes, masochism and sadism are still in the DSM V. In contrast, homosexuality was removed from the DSM before I was born. So, technically my sexuality is a disease, yay!)

Day 2 of Gratefulness Experiment: I am grateful for everyone who accepts all types of sex between consenting adults because hearing other people accept this as simply a fact and not a burden help push me ever closer to acceptance.Jacqueline Carey is included here. 🙂 She made masochism a powerful, Angel-granted, gift. I love Goodkind, but if you didn’t notice, the sadists and masochists are evil or broken (Darken Rhal, Mord-Sith)

On that note, I’ve been thinking about finding someone I care about and having sex because I’m terrified of guilt and regret, yet the two things I feared the most caused the greatest leaps in self-acceptance. Those 2 things: 1.) My first real life BDSM exposure years ago and 2.) Telling my brother and sister-in-law about bisexuality, masochism, and submission less than a month ago. I was frightened before each of them, but they both helped foster acceptance more than any therapy ever has. If I could accept myself, I think a lot of my depression, anxiety, and disordered eating would cease.

I need to come up with ways to facilitate this. I cannot remember a time I liked or accepted myself. So far, talking and blogging about my insecurities yields a surprising amount of revelations. I think it forces me to elaborate my thoughts to clarify them for others, exposing fallacies. It also helps limit rumination, which only perpetuates negative emotions and does not lead to solutions. However, I don’t know what else I can do to foster self-acceptance.

My RL experience with sensory deprivation is neutral. Although, the light hurt my eyes when I took the black-out mask off! I also experienced blindfolds and mummy bags, etc. However, in my fantasies, where reality is gleefully suspended, this is how I imagine sensory deprivation:

While creating this video I realized I have no issue imagining a stranger injecting me with illicit drugs like LSD! This does not bother me because I know it is the type of fantasy that I enjoy thinking about, but would never enact in real life. At the same time, the violence in similar fantasies scares me. Perhaps it shouldn’t. If I can separate the drugs from RL, why can’t I separate the violence? If drugs don’t bother me, why should dangerous levels of violence bother me?

I think the difference is I would never mix mind altering chemicals and BDSM, whereas I often mix violence and BDSM. Therefore, one is completely out of the realm of possibility and the other is too close for comfort. Maybe I fear crossing the line of safe and sane with violence, but not drugs. As a result, it is easy to separate fantasies involving drugs, but violent fantasies cause cognitive dissonance because they are close to real life.

The night before Christmas was never filled with visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head. No.

The earliest fantasy I remember was in kindergarten (5 years old). Every year my family watched The Ten Commandments. I recall the screams of Israeli slaves as whips bloodied their bare backs. For years I dreamed of being an Israelite slave and feeling the lashes against my skin.

The next genre I remember is The Borrowers. In first grade, I imagined I was a Borrower and my teacher was my Mistress. At school I appeared normal, but everyday after school I shrank to my true form and went home to serve my Mistress. Haha, I can’t remember how I served her in that form…

After that, Civil War history entered my lexicon. Around age 8 or 9 I fantasized about living on a plantation. I don’t remember much about this era of my fantasy life. I remember whale oil candles and plain white dresses with matching bonnets…and of course, whips.

The following year, puberty struck and with it came rape. So, for the last 13 years my fantasy life revolved around forcible, violent rape. In college I read an article about female rape fantasies, “The Nature of Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Analysis of Prevalence, Frequency, and Contents.” Of 355 college age women, 62% had rape fantasies. Only 9% of that 62% had mainly aversive rape fantasies. In other words, most of the rape fantasies were really seduction fantasies where (although still rape, abhorrent, and illegal if IRL) the woman became willing as the rape progressed or the woman was originally consenting and the partner(s) went too far. Aversive rape fantasies involved torture above and beyond what was necessary to gain compliance and/or no consent at any point.

“the only perpetrator motive identified in aversive rape fantasies was to hurt or degrade the self-character. In over one half of aversive rape fantasies, the self-character was described as the loser. For the fantasizer, the large majority of aversive rape fantasies generated negative feelings such as guilt, shame, and embarrassment, which is similar to findings from Gold et al. (1991). Having negative feelings in response to the rape fantasy was more common for aversive than for erotic rape fantasies. These negative feelings may have resulted from the aversive experience of the fantasy itself and from reactions to having a fantasy that may seem socially inappropriate to some women”

Indeed, I feel guilty typing this post!!!! In fact, as I type the urge to cut is increasing because I feel the need to punish myself for “sick” thoughts. FML.

As I said earlier my first introduction to BDSM was as a 13 year old. I finally learned there were other people like me and we even had a name. At 19 I got my first real life taste of humiliation, submission, restraint, and pain.

There was no doubt. These experiences were more salient and evoked stronger feelings than any past intimacy. I remember the first night, looking into my first Master’s eyes and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. *smiles* As I wore restraints to bed, still feeling the sting of my first real whip’s bruises, I felt safe. I felt accepted for all of me, every detail of my imperfect body, and every unspeakable, dark, forbidden desire. I was whole for the first time in my life. I was real, I was being true to myself. I was not letting society dictate what was right for me.

I also remember the next night, getting ready for bed again, smiling at him and saying, “I wish I didn’t have to leave. I don’t want this to end.” He smiled and replied,

“It is amazing isn’t it? How you can feel so close to someone you just met.”

Right now, if I could have anything for Christmas, I would ask for the power to accept myself. Despite personal experience showing over and over, that this is something I crave, for whatever reason, I fear it. I shy away from this side of myself.

The past few days the images are getting more intrusive and darker. I guess I’ll start writing the fantasies out again, that usually helps. Ironically, while firmly in a D/s relationship, I don’t have these annoying misgivings.

“For example, heavy masochists enjoy pain intensities that most players cannot tolerate, such as canings or single-tailed whippings. Canings and intense whippings are performed by very experienced players and can leave welts, small cuts, and bruises, but these are generally considered acceptable as long as these marks can heal on their own. Some heavy masochists are proud of their markings following a scene.“

Wait….That is abnormal?! I assumed all masochists felt this way.

“Therapists should be aware that dominant–submissive relationships, particularly those that are long term, may be characterized by levels of trust, intimacy, and sharing that may be unmatched by many conventional relationships.”

*nods* This is my experience.

“Although it may be common to assume BDSM participants are psychosocially maladjusted, many have been found to be well-educated and well-adjusted”

“Probably the most important point is that sexual masochism appears to be more common among successful, individualistic people” (p. 120). According to Baumeister, such unconventional behaviors seem to be a way to temporarily escape from the Self. Indeed, we live in a fast-paced society with high stress and many demands, but also restrictions, on different aspects of our identities. Perhaps BDSM play is a safe way for many individuals to creatively escape, whether it be through means such as letting go of control (submission), experiencing pain or extreme sensation (focus on the body and/or natural endorphin rush), or temporarily become a different identity (fantasy/role play).”

Awesome, he doesn’t think that is a bad thing! I kept reading different theories of masochism and therapists kept mentioning escape for self as a bad, self-destructive reason.

“Again, the issue is not whether or not certain behaviors are morally okay, but whether or not certain behavioral patterns warrant inclusion as legitimate mental disorders based on solid empirical evidence and scientific inquiry. As has been pointed out, the evidence supporting BDSM as being objectively and necessarily pathological is lacking. To the contrary, the available evidence suggests BDSM participants generally are healthy, educated, well-adjusted and successful. However, it is unfortunate that many participants must remain silent about their lifestyles for fear that misperceptions, cultural and religious biases and judgments by others could lead to severe problems in social and occupational functioning.”

Who knows, maybe by the DSM-VII we won’t be considered mentally ill (for this reason 😉 ) I think I’m going to talk to my uncle about all this. I used to talk to him about my eating disorder when I was a kid. I want to talk to someone, really talk to someone, not just type my thoughts to people who don’t respond. I know I’ll talk to him about bisexuality because he is gay. Therefore, I know he will have no qualms about that. I may bring up the submissive/masochistic side to. After all, he knows me and should be able to judge if my motives are self-destructive or not.

All quotes are from “Different (Painful!) Strokes for Different Folks: A General Overview of Sexual Sadomasochism (SM) and its Diversity” by DJ Williams.

Apparently DJ Williams is a Sociologist, not a Psychologist. I suppose I can forgive him!