02 April 2010

i have a problem

This afternoon, I was wondering what time it was. Before I even looked at the time, I pictured 5:16pm in my head. Then I looked at my cell phone and it read 5:16pm. Whoah! That's not my problem though. See problem below.

I've been realizing for quite some time now that I am the most notorious people-pleaser in the world! That's a bit of an exaggeration, but it is almost true. I feel like it's been a while since I've made my own decision. Even when I do make my own decision, it's oftentimes based off of someone else's (indirect) influence. I purposely seek after other peoples' input on the smallest of things. Should I do this? Is this right? Is it okay to apply to grad school? Should I tell them I can't babysit because it's a holiday? Should I text this person?

Why am I this way? At first I think that it's because I don't care what I wear today or if my friend wants to meet me at Burger King (even though I never eat there) that's fine or if we hang out 5 minutes after I get off work when I'm thoroughly exhausted I'll survive. But really underneath the surface of apathy lies fear and lack of confidence. I'm afraid to voice my own opinion about certain things. Big things, like life values and morals and what not - those are concrete, and I am willing to stand up for those. But to bluntly state my own opinion on small things like, Well, I don't really like Burger King, so how about we go to Starbucks instead? Yeah. I throw out the idea that it's fear and cover it up with, Eh, it doesn't matter to me. Granted, with some small things, I really do not care at all. If my friend wants to make the call, he/she can have at it. But if I have to decide, well, I don't know.Give me a day or two to think about it and mull over the consequences of my decision. That's kind of ridiculous.

I remember being this way even as a kid. I think part of it comes from throwing my idea into the mix then having it completely rejected. I guess I learned that every time I come up with an idea or an opinion, it'll just got thrown in the trash, so it's better not to say anything at all and just let other people do what they want. Bah! Lie. I would like a double serving of some confidence and decisiveness even in silly small daily things. Confidence in God's love for me - yes, he does love me! He wants me to be confident and know that he loves me and feel it, too!

Hmm.. that's all for now on this topic. I think I will make confidence and daily decisiveness my goal this weekend and next week and keep track of it on here.

It's Easter! Jesus died! And he rose again! For me! For you! Yay!

p.s. I found a very cool site that sells vintage-inspired Scandinavian things for one's home. Their stuff is quite spendy, but it's fun to look at anyway :)