REPORT: Wheelock Merger Revealed to Be Phase One of “Operation Surround BC”

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS—The Boston University-Wheelock College merger has instigated a bucketload of controversy since BU president Robert A. Brown’s official confirmation last month. Students have been unapologetically vocal about their displeasure for the merger, citing the lack of an adequate reason for the decision.

However, those students shall feel displeased no more.

In a special covert investigation, The Black Sheep has uncovered a collection of top-secret administrative files which reveal that the Wheelock merger is, in fact, the first stage of a master plan by President Brown—one developed over several years of meticulous preparation and scrutiny. The goal of this master plan is for BU to merge with all other colleges and universities in the Boston area, forming an inter-school coalition which will surround Boston College and smother its sphere of influence. Included in the files was a diagram mapping out the intended result of the plan, deemed “Operation Surround BC:”

According to the files, Harvard University, Bentley University, and Brandeis University have already agreed to the plan; negotiations are ongoing with emissaries from Lasell College, Mount Ida College, Pine Manor College, and Newbury College. Although the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) is not currently included in the official merger, BU has commandeered top engineering professors from the university to construct what is defined in several documents as “advanced defensive technology.”

Additionally, BU has put in orders (charged to bank accounts overseas) for several thousand drones and accompanying radar systems to be supplied to the BUPD as well as the campus police forces of other universities involved in the Wheelock merger. According to the documents, the purpose is “to adequately prepare our defense forces for potential aerial threats of an avian nature.”

Included among the uncovered files was a transcribed conversation between President Brown and Gio Graffi, the head of BU’s History department. In the conversation, Graffi calls the operation “an advent of the Second Cold War” and “an effective utilization of the domino effect.”

President Brown apparently received input from numerous groups in the process of designing Operation Surround BC, including the men’s and women’s ice hockey teams, several fraternities, and Rhett the Terrier. The plan, which was apparently first drafted as far back as 2012, underwent several name changes before “Surround BC” was finalized. Previous nomenclatures for the operation included “Terrierz Rool, Eaglez Drool,” “Trump BC,” “Perestroika,” and “The Only Eagle We Need Is The American One.”

When first proposed, Operation Surround BC was defined as a response to Boston College’s infamous hacking of several BU Facebook groups. The incidents involved the flooding of these groups with anti-BU memes and fabricated stories about President Brown’s alleged “collusion” with Wall Street.

But the conspiracy goes even deeper. The files The Black Sheep procured further reveal that agents of Boston College have discovered the operation themselves and have begun planning their own mergers in response. Currently under the working name “Eagle Pact,” the alliance will reportedly include Andover Newton, Hebrew College, and St. John’s Seminary.

These revelations should put the minds of skeptical BU students at ease. With the Wheelock merger confirming the completion of stage one of President Brown’s master plan, Operation Surround BC is now in full swing. Soon we Terriers will ally ourselves with all necessary secondary schools in the area and will successfully surround and destroy the influence of the Soviet U…Boston College.