Angel, My Inspiration

Dear Angel,
I would ask how you are but I know in my heart you are happy and whole and probably having a blast! Me...not so much...but today was a bit better....I wanted to write you the things that I miss most...and I knew I would....even before you left us. It always meant so much to me and daddy that the minute we woke up in the morning and our feet hit the dining room floor...your feet hit it too...you were always there greeting us with your little tail just wagging and until the end doing what I always called "the happy dance." I could always see a smile on your face...and do you know when I was thinking about writing this I was going to say the look of excitement in your eyes...eyes Angel as in plural...you see I never really saw you any other way...just my beautiful girl. None of our other kids greet us in quite the same way...that memory is all yours! Of course that's probably the thing I miss most because it was the start of every day...and I loved it EVERY DAY! I miss it/you every day! It told me that you knew you were loved....that you learned to trust us. I miss how it was always you who wanted to get to the back door as quickly as you could to go outside to go potty! And there you would wait for me to pick you up and take you down the steps....in good weather we did this how many times a day??BOL! And when you were finished you would go to the deck and put your two front paws on the steps and look at me with "that look" of "ok I'm ready to go in now" and in we'd go. It was amazing really that here you were a kennel dog for TEN years and yet you came to live with us and you caught on to the wee pads immediately! I know alot of people find that hard to believe but those of us who knew you and were a part of your life every day...we knew!Kimi said right from the beginning that you must have really loved and appreciated your clean and dry bed. You are proof that a "kennel dog" CAN be potty trained...you were sooo smart. I loved how you liked to run in your yard, you were so proud and always seemd so free...sooo happy. I miss taking you to your favorite park and watching you run there..oh how you loved that and I LOVED watching you! I miss brushing your beautiful hair. I miss not seeing you here to get your treat after you did something good..which was all the time. I miss washing your eye and your face and putting the med in your eye..I miss telling you what a good girl you were about that and everything else. I miss how excited you'd get when you were actually hungry for your meal and how you'd do your happy dance waiting for your food and then when you saw I was ready how you would turn and run and get into your crate just like all the other kids did. There are sooo many things Angel, I miss everything about you!
Do you remember our last talk? That last night? well of course you do....I will never forget that night...that talk and the things that happened before that..so I am going to write it here for me to remember and our friends to enjoy.....so it all started on the Sat. BEFORE you got real bad the following Friday...you had had spells in between but now I was getting the picture of just how bad this was and facing it..anyway the Sat. before we had been asked to foster a little puppy...16 weeks old and on death row 3 times in 16 weeks! From somewhere I was getting the "vibe" that maybe you thought you should go to make room for this puppy and I told you you don't have to go anywhere..that daddy and I have enough time and money to keep the puppy if we chose to and you too and we'd be just fine.....at this point we had NO idea of keeping the puppy and we still haven't "sealed the deal" so to speak.So on our last night just you and I went down to the family room so we could be alone...you always liked walking on the family room floor because it wasn't so slippery....it was almost like you were saying to me..."Ok have a seat and I'm going to show you what I've got!" And I did just that...I saw you pace and pace and pace back and forth and back and forth...I wondered how long I could make myself watch this but of course I did....I put my hand out first for you to smell my hand because you didn't always know me and when I reached to pick you up you ran away from me...and you continued to do that all night...it made me sad to think that you were so sick you would run from the person who loved you most in this whole world..but I understand dementia....I wanted to just hold you and rock you and kiss your face and head like we had done so many times before but you would not have it....then I noticed your legs were getting wobbly ...you tried to lay in alot of places but couldn't get comfortable..you'd lay in one place and I'd think finally some peace for you...but you would pop right back up and try another place and another and another...you'd go to your crate in the family room and you would make an attempt to get in it only to back up and act confused..then you'd go to the next crate....earlier I was handing you a nice cubed chunk of ham and it fell out of my hand on the floor and just as I was about to snatch it up for you I thought.."No wait and see if she sees it and how long it takes her to get it." You never did see it so I got it for you. You had trouble finding the food bowl and water bowl..you ran into my sprawled out feet....you didn't see them..it was all hitting me now..what the vet said, what Kimi said, daddy and your aunt..I needed to let you go..and now you were showing me....so finally you got in a crate and I slowly went over and laid down in front of the crate..I was afraid you'd run away but you didn't. I laid there and I knew I was having my last talk with you..I couldn't stand to see you go through those spells and siezures for 8 hours like you had the Sunday before....I had read some where on Dogster that some times the hardest thing is the best thing to do ....so I began to talk to you about all you had meant to me, some of the same things I wrote here plus a whole lot more....and then I said," I wish I could have had one of your puppies Angel, I bet they were beautiful." and when I said that you closed your eyes in the most peaceful way I had ever seen you do and you went to sleep! I sat there alone and my mind said,"Puppy...the puppy you have...Angel wants you to keep the puppy...she is leaving to make room in this world for the puppy."...I cried out to daddy that night and said," I don't want any damn puppy, I want my Angel."
Some people say that some people will get rid of one dog to get another or to get a puppy...as you know I would have NEVER let you go..people were begging me to let you go..before the suffering got alot worse.....I felt like in a strange sort of way...through intelligence if you will that you were telling me you were old , had lost your sight, scared, confused, sick, and that it was time for you to go...and puppy to stay!! That made my mind from" somewhere" think...I think it was you...that here you were the only dog we had ever rescued from being abused and neglected and here we had this puppy whose life was almost taken from him in 16 weeks.you had a handicap and so does he and that he too needed rescued..a home....and you were willing to give him your spot! I love the little puppy Angel but he isn't YOU...it kind of scares me because he could get too big for me with my bad shoulder and yet every time I think no I feel as though you are telling me yes...so I'm going to try..I would love to give him a home and love..remember how I started calling him Teddy..I didn't really know why...I mean he is supposed to be a Teddy Bear breed so I guess I just thought well he likes that, comes to it etc..so that will do..I never name MY kids so nonchallantly..but he wasn't MY kid..he is a foster baby. That night it just so happened I was looking at names for him just incase we kept him...first I looked up your name which means Messenger of God....do you know what the name Teddy means?? I about flipped...I looked at the computer stunned..it means Gift of God....so my Angel...love of my life..if we do keep the little feller and I guess we are going to try..his name will be Angel's Teddy but we'll just call him Teddy at home. I hope you approve....after thinking about it and the way we got him and the time frame of when we got him and you got sooo bad sooo fast...I think you made me realize...his being here was no accident. I am not going to question God's plan...you know that..but at the same time...I'm a little scared...I don't know why. I know I have your vote of confidence. I will need you and God's guidance so help me k??? I keep thinking about how God works in mysterious ways, how when we got you we weren't looking for another dog...same with Teddy..we had our doggie family, we had no intentions of having another dog..but God knew something we didn't know. And God never makes mistakes.
And finally your resting place here at home....since the dining room was your main room to the point we told visitors "Thats Angel's apartment"..we have decided to take one of the dining room shelves and put your ashes on that with pictures and things of yours surrounding it. I think thats very appropriate and I know you'd approve.
Well my swet girl..I better go...check on the sibs and the puppy..I could go on and on talking to you...I miss you terribly..I wonder if I will ever stop missing you?! I doubt it...you enjoy Heaven sweetie..we love you and are very priviledged that in this world we were your m9om and dad and you were and always will be OURS!!!
Love,
Mamma & Daddy and all the kids!