(Author's Note: This is my first Card Captor Sakura fanfiction and,
at the time of its writing, I have only seen the first four episodes
of the series and read none of the manga, so please forgive any
errors I have made. I've also decided to, for this piece, neglect
most of the plot of the series and just stick to playing with the
characters. Also, some parts of the fic were written at insane hours
of early morning and so may be a little.... strange. Nevertheless, I
hope you enjoy the fic. *takes a little bow*)
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So Much Easier
by Althea K.
"Coming, coming," Sakura called out, covering the mouthpiece of her
cell phone temporarily. She trotted, barefoot, to the door, still
listening with one ear to her father's voice. She peered out to see
who her visitor was, but could see only darkness. A frown pouted her
lips. "Hmph."
"Is something wrong, dear?"
"No, it's just... I could've *sworn* someone was knocking at the
door, but there's no one there."
"That's odd.."
Sakura opened the door and peeked out, a bit nervously, into the
night. "Hello? Is someone out here?" Silence was the only reply.
"Hrmph." Her eyes narrowed as she wondered if perhaps some
neighborhood children were playing a prank on her, only to widen as
she finally noticed the small package at her foot. She knelt to
retrieve it. "Hey, Dad, were you expecting a package or something?"
she asked, turning it carefully in her hand.
"No.."
"Odd. I'm not, either.. But here one is."
"A bit *late* for mail delivery, isn't it?"
Sakura muttered her agreement, glancing about one last time before
reentering the house and shutting the door behind her. "Maybe someone
left it for Touya?" she suggested doubtfully. "But it's been ages
since he's lived here... Who would send him anything at this
address?" In the light of the house she examined the brown paper
covering the rectangular package. "There doesn't seem to be a name on
it... Oh, wait." She squinted and bowed her head in, having
discovered one small word typed almost unnoticeably onto the
packaging: Sakura. "Huh. It's for me."
"An early birthday present, maybe?"
Sakura laughed. "If it is, it's *really* early."
"True.. Oh, honey, I'm sorry, but I have to go now. My
presentation's in five minutes and I still haven't organized all my
notes."
"Ah, it's okay. You want me to leave you something in the fridge for
when you get home?"
"You're so sweet! That would be wonderful; thank you."
"No problem. Good luck with your presentation."
Sakura shut off her phone after their parting words and headed into
the kitchen. Carefully, she broke the tape bindings with a small
steak knife and removed the brown paper wrap. "A video cassette?" She
quirked an eyebrow. Replacing the steak knife, she turned the
cassette around in her hands to read its title. Her eyes widened.
"'The True Confessions of Daidouji Tomoyo'??" she read aloud. "So
that was Tomoyo-chan at the door..." she mumbled numbly to herself,
her mind still twitching nervously around the idea of "true
confessions". She glanced toward the door as if she expected her
friend to still be there, then slowly turned back to the cassette.
"This isn't like Tomoyo-chan at all.. not even stopping in to say
'hello'..." Concern creased her brow as she tapped her fingers
worriedly against the hard plastic casing of the tape. After a long
moment of hesitation, Sakura picked up her phone and headed for her
bedroom. "Plenty of time to cook something for Dad later..." she
mumbled. She popped the cassette into her VCR, snapped her television
on, and plopped down onto her bed. The VCR came to life with a click
and a whirr and in moments Tomoyo's image lit up the screen, moving
backwards to sit in front of the camcorder.
"Hello, Sakura-chan.."
"Hi, Tomoyo-chan," Sakura blurted out before she could remember she
was talking to a recording. She blushed lightly, embarrassed by her
mistake, but this faded quickly as she took in the scene that her
friend had recorded. Tomoyo sat alone in her darkened room, her face
sad and her voice trembling slightly. Her skin seemed even paler than
usual somehow, even under the blue cast that the darkness painted her
with. Sakura's heart grew heavy with concern.
"I guess you've already seen the title of this little recording, so
you have some idea of what I'm doing here.. Like I wrote, it's a
confession... *my* confession. There are so many things that I've
been wanting to tell you over the years we've been friends, but I
just never had the courage to say them to you... You always were the
brave one, Sakura-chan." The image of Tomoyo punctuated her statement
with a tight, pained smile. "I always thought that I'd tell you when
you were older, but even now that you're older, I'm still a coward.
I'd hoped that by this time it would all be just a mildly
uncomfortable memory, you know? I thought I could tell you about it
and we'd look back together and laugh at my childhood foolishness.
Well, I'm eighteen now and I'm still not laughing." Tomoyo's image
paused and rubbed her palms against her pant legs. "Hell, I'm wishing
now I could just go back in time, so things could be like that
again.. I could at least be a little naive then. It still hurt, but
it didn't hurt this much, and even if I was a little scared by my
feelings when I was a kid, I wasn't terrified like I am now. Sakura-
chan... I'm... I'm so *scared*!"
Sakura could feel Tomoyo shuddering as the image drew her arms
across her chest, hugging her knees into herself. "Tomoyo-chan," she
whimpered. "Please don't be scared, Tomoyo-chan..."
"I'm sorry, Sakura-chan... It just hurts so *much* sometimes... I
can't take this anymore... Keeping it all a secret..." The image of
Tomoyo shook her head as she unfolded from herself. "I.. I just can't
keep it all inside of me anymore...!"
"So tell me already!" Sakura cried out to the recording, too
frustrated and curious to be embarrassed now.
"Sakura-chan..." Sakura leaned in eagerly to listen as Tomoyo
appeared to hesitate. "I..."
"...Yes??"
"Do you... remember... when we were children?"
Sakura blinked. "Uhmm.."
"I do. I remember it all like it was yesterday... I know, I know. It
sounds corny, doesn't it."
Sakura couldn't help but grin as she saw Tomoyo's mouth quirk up
into a tiny smile. "Actually, yes, it does."
"We were always such good friends... I'm not saying we're not still,
I'm just saying that... there was... I don't know. There was an
innocence to us back then, you know? And it's missing now. There's
just something *off* about us now, and it's my fault."
Sakura lost her smile. "Tomoyo-chan..."
"It... It would've been so much easier if we could've stayed
children forever, wouldn't it? I mean... Despite all we went through
with the Clow Cards and all... we still had some pretty good times,
didn't we? I'd make you those ridiculously cute little battle
costumes and video tape you wearing them... I miss that. You know, I
don't know if I could make things like that again if I tried... Back
then I could always just picture you wearing it to fight Clow Cards
and think about how cute it would be, and how much fun we would have,
and I could just *do* it, you know? But now.. Everything I make for
you just seems so... *lifeless*, somehow. It's still nice, but it's
never the same, never quite so much fun. Getting older just kinda
sucked all the fun out of everything, you see? Nothing's the same
anymore.. Everything I do now, I have to examine my motivations; I
have to think about it.. Oh, Sakura-chan, I wish we could be kids
again! I'd give anything to be able to feel the way I did then again.
I didn't have to think about why my heart was racing and whether it
was wrong to feel that way then; I could just *feel* it and *enjoy*
it. I could say things to you without having to think so much about
how you would take it, if you would understand... But as we got
older...."
There was a long moment of unbearable silence. Sakura's eyes stung
with tears as she waited for her friend to go on.
"Sakura-chan..." Tomoyo began again at last. "Sakura-chan... I..."
Tomoyo's sigh brushed almost palpably against Sakura's ears. "I love
you. I'm.... *in love* with you."
Sakura's world held still for a full three seconds.
"I know you couldn't possibly understand, but... That's why. That's
the reason for... for *everything*. I'm so sorry I never told you...
I just knew it was hopeless, and I didn't want to scare you away.. I
just couldn't bear the thought of telling you and having you not want
to be my friend anymore. You... You mean everything to me, Sakura.
You always have. And I'm sorry I was such a coward... I couldn't tell
you then, and I can't even tell you now... I just let technology do
the uncomfortable work for me," Tomoyo's voice proclaimed bitterly as
her image gestured at the screen. "I'm so weak, Sakura-chan... I wish
I could be strong for you. I wish I could be strong... But you'll
always be the stronger one."
Sakura fumbled blindly for her phone as Tomoyo's recording spoke on,
until at last her fingers collided with it and she picked it up from
where it lay on her bed. She punched Tomoyo's phone number into
without needing to look at the buttons. Drumming her fingers
impatiently against her thigh, she listened to it ring.
"...and I knew even then that things could never be the same once I
told you. I couldn't bring myself to find out whether the change
would be for better or worse, fearing so much that we would never be
friends again.... And I still can't. You see, Sakura-chan... There's
another reason why I'm giving you this tape.."
Sakura's fidgeting grew even more agitated.
"I probably would've held it all in until something ruptured inside
of me, really, if there weren't this other motivation for me to come
clean with you right now... I... I never told you this, but a while
ago I sent out an application to a college overseas...."
Sakura's drumming ceased. The phone continued to ring harshly in her
ear.
"...and I was accepted. The term starts soon... In fact, I've been
packing all day."
For the first time, Sakura noticed how empty Tomoyo's room appeared
behind her.
"My flight leaves tonight."
"No!" Sakura leapt to her feet in a state of panic. Still pressing
the phone to her ear, she grabbed the jacket that Tomoyo had made for
her last birthday off her floor and started pulling it on one-handed.
"I know this must be a shock to you... but you mustn't try to stop
me. There's nothing you can do about it anyway. By the time you'll
have reached this part of the tape, I should already be well on my
way."
Sakura stopped halfway to the door. "No..." she whispered.
"I'm sorry, Sakura-chan.. I'd've loved so much to hold you in my
arms just one last time before I left.." Sakura flopped back down
onto her bed, her entire body feeling numb. It was all too much for
her to take in at once. "I'm taking all my videotapes of you with me,
but I've left behind some copies in my room in case you want to go
back and look at them.. Maybe if you look at them now you'll begin to
see what I've been seeing all along... I'm also taking all your old
battle costumes; they're too small for you now, anyway. But I am
leaving your prom dress; after all, you may need it some time, and
you did look so beautiful in it.. Do you remember the prom, Sakura-
chan? I had so much fun dancing with you..."
Sakura groaned, sudden floods of memory washing over her. "Kami,"
she breathed. "Was I really that blind???"
"We ate so much cake that we almost made ourselves sick, and then
left early without our dates to take a walk in the park and watch an
old movie on television... It's funny: I can't even remember my
date's name; can you? He was a pretty nice guy, I think... I didn't
know him very well, and I guess I didn't pay him that much attention.
You were always the center of my own little universe... He could've
had fangs and a dog-tail and I wouldn't've noticed." Tomoyo's sad
chuckle was almost smothered by the recording that erupted in
Sakura's ear, politely informing her that the party did not answer,
as if she hadn't already noticed.
"Uuhng..." Sakura grunted and lowered her phone, snapping it off
reluctantly. "She's just gotta still be there... She *has* to be...!"
She folded her arms across her chest, her movement only slightly
impaired by the jacket still hanging off one arm. "Tomoyo-chan... You
can't leave me...! We have so much to talk about... You can't just
leave without even letting me discuss this all with you! There're
questions I want to ask you... things I want to say to you..."
"I... I put everything I have of you together earlier today... All
the costumes, and sketches, and videotapes... *Everything*. Notes
we'd passed each other in class.. Presents you'd given to me...
Photographs I'd taken of you... Even this.." Sakura glanced up
through a thin film of growing tears to see Tomoyo holding what
appeared to be a small glass vial containing something feathery and
somehow familiar. "Can you see this? It's a lock of your hair."
Sakura and Tomoyo's image blushed simultaneously. "I hope you don't
mind... I cut it off while you were sleeping over at my house one
night long ago... I wanted to always remember how soft your hair was,
and how sweet its scent...I've slept with it under my pillow for
years." Tomoyo's image eyed it sadly. "And then today I put it
together with all those other cherished possessions and mementos...
I... I wanted to make a bonfire of them."
Sakura blinked. "...Bonfire..???"
"I wanted to destroy everything that reminded me of you so I could
go away and start fresh.. I wanted to burn all bridges connecting me
to you so maybe in time I could learn to forget you... But I just
couldn't do it. I had the match lit in my hand, but I just couldn't
drop it.. It burned right down to my fingertips and still I couldn't
bring myself to let it drop." Sakura peered closer at the screen,
finally seeing Tomoyo's hurt fingertips. "It wasn't so bad, getting
burned... What really hurt was the shame. I felt like such a fool,
unable to rid myself of you, clinging to my pain... Then I thought
that maybe I could just leave it all behind, maybe even give it all
to you, but I guess I wasn't strong enough to do that, either.. The
thought was unbearable. I couldn't stand the idea of not having a
picture of you with me always to keep your face fresh in my mind...
The idea of your face ever fading from my memory...." A tear trickled
down Tomoyo's face. "I suppose, though, that it doesn't really matter
whether I burned it, or gave it away, or packed it up... I'd still be
taking you with me, inside my mind. I don't think I could let go of
you, no matter what. I would feel... empty. Hollow. I don't think I
could ever entirely be myself again without holding onto you in my
heart. I can't imagine life without you... But I can't... I just
can't stand it anymore!" A heart-breaking sob shuddered from her
trembling lips as her tears continued to fall. "I can't stand being
with you every day without really *being with you*. I can't stand the
horrible innocence of your every touch. I can't stand having you so
near to me without being able to call you my own. I... I can't..."
Tomoyo's words disappeared into wrenching sobs and shudders. As the
image of Tomoyo on her screen buried her face in her hands, Sakura's
tears began to fall as well.
"T-tomoyo-chan.." Sakura moaned. Each minute that passed was its own
small eternity as their tears streamed on without any apparent end.
"I... I'm sorry, Sakura-chan," Tomoyo at last managed to gasp out
from behind her hands. "I have.. no right... to put you through my
pain."
"Tomoyo-chaaan..." Sakura sobbed at the screen, frustrated and
confused.
"I never wanted you to see me cry... You've always been such a sweet
girl, Sakura-chan. I didn't want to put you through any of this.. But
I guess it was inevitable, wasn't it. One can only hold so much in
for so long before it explodes all over everything.. Oh, Sakura-chan,
I've made a real mess of things, haven't I? I wish I knew some way to
set things right again... But you have to know. It wouldn't have been
fair for me not to say anything... never to tell you... Maybe I'm
just being selfish. Or maybe I'm just trying to keep my promise..
Didn't I say that I'd tell you when you were older? I seem to
remember that... I don't know. I'm confused... Another reason why I
have to go away. I need some distance... some time apart from you so
I can think, clear my head a little.. Or maybe I'm just trying to
justify my actions. Maybe the sad truth is really just that I'm a
damnable coward and I'm running away yet again from finding out how
you'll react..."
Sakura wiped at her eyes as she watched Tomoyo's shoulders slump
pathetically. She picked up the phone again and dialed Tomoyo's cell
phone number with equal parts hopelessness and determination. "C'mon,
Tomoyo-chan, you've *got* to pick up the phone... *Please*, don't
shut me out...."
"That's why...." Tomoyo's image licked her lips slowly, nervously.
"That's why I'm not telling you where I'm going. Whether I'm running
away or just need some time alone or whatever... I don't feel like I
can handle you knowing where I'm going right now. It's just... so
much *easier* to fade away... You probably won't even notice I'm
gone, after a while, as long as I stay out of touch... You'd probably
be strong enough to make that bonfire, wouldn't you? Maybe... Maybe
I'll let you be rid of me even if I can't be rid of you... At least
one of us will be spared, right?"
"Tomoyo-chan!" Sakura's voice finally broke out of its paralysis.
"How... How can you even *think* these things!?" She shook her head
in utter disbelief, then dropped to her knees before the television
and pressed her palm against the screen. "Tomoyo-chan, come back to
me... Oh, please, oh, please, come back to me...."
"Can you promise me just one thing, though?"
Sakura thumped her palm against the screen. "Come *back* to me!!"
"If you must remember me... please... *try* to remember me as I used
to be. I don't want to be remembered like this... Please... remember
me with a smile on my face. Remember me from those innocent times,
when we could walk hand in hand through the park and I could just let
my heart soar, unable to imagine ever being happier or more content.
Remember the costumes, and the laughter, and all those sweet little
things that meant so much... I can remember. I remember giggling over
our secret jokes, and you combing my hair, and how wonderful the
world always seemed when you were there..... I just wish I could
remember that and forget all the rest. I don't want to remember the
sleepless nights, tossing and turning, delighting in the agony of
having you by my side. And I don't want to remember how many times I
had to bite my tongue, holding back for fear of losing you..."
Sakura clutched desperately at the screen, pressing her phone
painfully to her ear.
After a long pause, Tomoyo finally appeared to regain her speech.
"Well... I... I'd better stop now. The tape should be almost over by
now, I think, and I'll have to hurry to the airport..." Sakura's hand
dropped limply to her side. "I... I wish things could've been better
for you, Sakura-chan. I know I've probably said and done some pretty
stupid, hurtful things over the years we've been friends, especially
tonight, and I hope you'll be able to find it in your heart to
forgive me... You're such a wonderful person, Sakura-chan. I wish you
luck in everything you ever do... Good-bye, Sakura-chan. You'll
always be the best friend I've ever had, no matter what... I love
you... I love you so much..." Sakura choked on a sob as Tomoyo's sad-
eyed image reached forward and in a moment was shot into a sea of
static.
"Damn it..." Sakura stared through blurred eyes as shortly the
screen flashed blue and the VCR jumped into action once more,
stopping and rewinding the tape. She could only hear the telephone
still ringing in her ear in the most distant of ways, too numbed by
shock and pain to hear it as any more than a fading echo in a tomb.
Catching and reflecting the blue light of the television screen, a
lone tear glistened on her cheek, frozen prematurely, its path left
unfinished and its future uncertain.
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(Legal Disclaimer: I do not claim to own any of the characters in
this fanfic; I'm just borrowing them from CLAMP and whoever else
holds the rights.)
(Sequel to Author's Note: If you want to put this fic on your
website, are wondering why the hell someone would write a fic for a
story she knows so little of, or just want someone to talk about
anime lesbians with, please email me at either
womanprince@hotmail.com or poorjuri@hotmail.com. Thank you ^-^)