Saturday, February 14, 2009

Being the big shot that I am, I was able to go to Saturday Night Live. But I’m not talking about the show. I’m not even talking about the after-party. It’s even better then that. I’m talking about the…

AFTER-AFTER-PARTY!

The after-after-parties were legendary! Celebrities were known to do crazy things involving sex, drugs, and peanut butter. This was my chance to see the chaos first hand. I’d get to see what celebrities were like drunk and tired. Do they get into fights? Do they hook up with non-attractive girls? Do they ever use the wrong bathroom by mistake? I was about to find out.

The only catch was that the party started at 4:00 am! How in the world could I stay up that late? Back in the day, I pulled off a few late nights, but now I was old, tired, and boring. What was I going to do?

The following events occurred between the hours of 6:00 pm and 4:00 am:

6:00 pm-8:00 pm

I took a solid nap. Everyone knows that if you nap during the day/evening, you can never fall asleep at night.

8:00 pm-11:00 pm

I went to a friend’s birthday dinner. The food was amazing—it was family style and I must’ve downed 3 entrees and 2 appetizers by myself. In retrospect, this may have been a mistake, as a full stomach usually leads to sleepiness.

11:00 pm-1:00 am

The birthday dinner turned into birthday drinking. I downed a couple of beers and spoke to everyone about my goal of staying up until 4:00 am. Every time an hour passed, I received words of encouragement and a few high-fives from partygoers.

1:00 am-1:30 am

I took a long walk (41 blocks to be exact) to the party destination. I kept missing the stupid bus, and I figured it would be a good way to kill time. I yawned four times and told myself to stop.

1:30 am-2:00 am

I entered the SNL bar; it was still just a normal bar at this point. I made out with the bartender (my girlfriend :)) and greeted a few of her friends.

2:00 am-2:30 am

I sat on a couch; not a good decision. I instantly became sleepy. I almost succumbed to the slumber before I whipped out my phone and played on the internet. I hated being one of those people, but I didn’t know what else to do.2:30 am-3:00 am

I watched SportsCenter highlights. In fact, I had been watching them sporadically throughout the night. I’d like to thank Blake Griffin of Oklahoma for energizing me with his leaping ability and extraordinary dunks.

3:00 am-4:00 am

This was reminiscent of the end of a road trip when you’re about to pull over from exhaustion. So what do you do to stay up? Play games.

Categories: My favorite was movie titles that could be turned into porno movies: Cliffbanger, The Firm, When Harry Ate Sally, Naked Gun, Coming In America, Apollo 69, and Deep Impact.FMK (Fuc#, Marry, Kill): Someone lists three people and you decide who you will do, marry, and kill off. For example, the 3 girls from Friends: I chose to marry Rachael (the hottest), bang Pheobe (the freakiest), and throw Monica off of a cliff (the most annoying.) [This is a great game to play on a date, but I’ll explain that another time.]

4:00 am

I did it! Me and the other VIPs were herded to a private part of the bar while it was shut down. The people that weren’t Very Important were asked to leave. Some managed to stay using the correct password or uttering the right name.

4:15 am

The Saturday Night Live After-After-Party officially began. And I was exhausted! I spent so much time trying to stay up, I didn’t know what to do with myself now that it started. I met a number of partygoers and asked how they stayed up so late. They looked at me like I was an idiot. The answer was obvious: “Just keep drinking the whole night!”

THE PARTY

Although I was psyched to be there, the bar didn’t seem much different then it was four hours earlier. The few differences were:

a) There were more posers and artsy people—people wore berets, sport coats over t-shirts, and shirts that said “Papi” on it (that was actually me.)

*Whoever banned smoking from bars should receive some kind of award—possibly the Medal of Honor or Nobel Peace Prize.

c) Video Games—a few of the posers played Rock Band on the big screen TV. Good for them.

d) There were a few celebrities. Andy Samberg arrived around 4:30 am. I thought of making a clever remark how tomorrow was going to be a “Lazy Sunday” but I was too tired to embarrass myself. Other notable mentions included the guy from Good Burger (a great “bad” movie) and the guy who does the “Bro-Bot” in the local NY commercial with Michael Kaye.

Not That Impressed

The crowd—it was young and the girls were not very impressive. I expected more of an LA scene (hot girls wearing nothing), but it wasn’t like that at all. Plus, a lot of the partiers were really young; like Seniors in college whose friend interned for the show.

The party didn’t seem like a VIP party. When I met two d-bags from Staten Island, it confirmed my thought: this party was not so exclusive.

6:00 am

I reached over the bar, gave my girlfriend a hug, and thanked her for the invite. She, having attended several SNL parties, told me it was “tame” and that I should go to another one.

But I didn’t care that the party was “tame.” I was just happy that I stayed up the whole time. I beamed with pride until my body forced me to yawn. It was time to go to sleep. I rubbed my eyes and started my long walk home.