Dear Margo: Men in the clink and the women who love them

BY MARGO HOWARD, CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

Published 10:00 pm, Friday, June 12, 2009

Dear Margo: I am a 33-year-old woman. For the past nine months, my 20-year-old cousin "Amy" has secretly been dating a 29-year-old known drug dealer and gang member. They were only together for two months before he landed in the county jail for cocaine possession and running from the cops, which is where he sits today. He has served at least one other prison term. It is completely out of character for Amy to date this type of guy, which explains why she keeps him a secret from the family. She's begun confessing bits and pieces to my sister, "Megan," and me, and what she is saying is not good. Megan and I see obvious holes in his claims about why he's in jail and why his court-appointed lawyer quit. His family will do nothing to help him, so he asked Amy to hire a lawyer for him! Luckily, due to her lack of credit, no bank has agreed to give her a loan. Megan obtained a copy of his criminal record that dates back to high school and includes an assault on a public servant. Now we are seriously considering confronting Amy with his record. I am willing to risk her anger if it means she might wake up and get away from this creep. So my question to you is: Should we confront her or step back and let her learn from her own mistake?

-- Torn in Texas

Dear Torn: You know, I never got why women choose to annex themselves to criminals, especially ones that are in the can. I doubt very much that showing "Amy" pictures of this man with his hands around someone's neck would even change her mind. She cannot be blind to the circumstances surrounding this unfortunate, so confront her if you like, but don't expect much. With luck, she will outgrow her save-a-felon phase.

-- Margo, gloomily

Dear Margo: I recently met a wonderful man online. He's kind, smart, funny, financially responsible, empathetic, a good listener ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â?šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦ all the things a woman could ask for. As the saying goes, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. Well, he told me on our first date that he is a Mormon (converted as an adult), and that he believes in remaining chaste until marriage. He also said he's not looking to get married anytime soon. He's been married twice, had a child with wife No. 1, and No. 2 died a while ago. We've gone out a couple of times since, and I am starting to have feelings for him. He's beginning to seem like a good emotional fit for me. We are both in our 40s, and I don't want to wait two or three years to see where this goes. I respect his values, but can't imagine waiting until we marry to have sex. What's the best way to talk to him about this?

-- Rocky

Dear Rock: In English. This man may be all the things a woman could ask for -- except two: He doesn't want to get married, and he doesn't want to have sex. He has been upfront about these subjects, so if you seriously do not want to hang around taking his emotional temperature, tell him these two announcements are deal-breakers for you. I am not in favor of being at the mercy of anyone who makes declarations and leaves no room for compromise. Granted, I am no theologian, but I would guess that "no sex till marriage" is meant for those who are approaching marriage for the first time. And do parse this sentence: "He also said that he's not looking to get married anytime soon."