Freelance Writer

Indigo’s the Color of Your Energy, pt 1: When a Made-Up Gluten Allergy Isn’t Special Enough

These were the words my sister’s crazy ex-roommate used to break up with his girlfriend. You don’t have to know what they mean to sense, instinctively, that the guy was kind of a douche. You also don’t have to know what they mean to accept, merely at my say-so, that he used to hide peanut butter in weird places around the apartment.

“Yeah,” you say. “Sounds like the kind of guy who would do something like that.”

“You can come out now, baby, she’s gone. She never understood our love…”

So what the hell is an indigo child? According to today’s book, Beyond the Indigo Children: The New Children and the Coming of the Fifth World by P.M.H. Atwater, L.H.D., indigo children are “those brilliant and irreverent kids born since 1982…the ‘fifth root race’–new stock in the human gene pool–destined to help us through the exciting and massive changes ahead.” Said changes, incidentally, were forecast by the Mayan calendar. What, you thought the calendar was predicting the apocalypse? After reading this post, you’ll wish it had been.

THE VISIONARY

Atwater, L.H.D.–initials which, Wikipedia tells me, mean either Doctor of Humane Letters or landing helicopter dock–is a researcher of near-death experiences turned indigo children proponent. The concept of the “fifth root race” predated her, of course, but she’s one of the key figures responsible for keeping it alive into the twenty-first century. Unlike our old pal Johanna Michaelsen, of Satanic ritual abuse hysteria fame, Atwater isn’t an out-and-out scumbag. She is, however, the kind of person you’d want to punch at a PTA meeting.

You know, back when I worked in public schools, I used to marvel at how all helicopter parents had the same pseudoscientific beliefs and wonder what book they were all reading. Now I think I’ve figured it out: this one. This is the book they’re reading. All those times I had to deny one of my little friends a carton of refrigerated milk because his mom said he was “allergic to cold,” Atwater was to blame. Thanks for visionary-ing me into an early grave, Atwater.

“Flour gives my son hemorrhoids.”

KID-POCALYPSE 2012

Buckle in, because this shit’s about to get wild. The remainder of today’s post will focus on the first four root races and the Mayan prophecies heralding the arrival of the fifth. Along the way, we’ll visit Atlantis, learn about manimals, and bask in universal peace and love. Are you ready? Hold on to your butts.

Ah, the Mayan calendar, favorite artifact of internet conspiracy theorists and doomsday cult leaders everywhere. In our post-2012 world, we might consider the Mayan calendar a bit passe. After all, it said the world was going to end, and that turned out to be a bunch of baloney.

“Either the world will end, or everything will stay pretty much the same and the economy will continue its steady but frustratingly slow recovery while Breaking Bad has a really stellar fifth season. One of the two.”

If you’re one of the millions who have written the Mayan calendar off, then you’re about to feel really stupid. It wasn’t forecasting the apocalypse at all! It was actually predicting the coming of the fifth world.

“Fifth world?” you say. “I reckoned we were still on the first.”

You big idiot. The first world ended alongside the first root race ages ago. Here, courtesy of Atwater, who cribbed them from nineteenth-century spiritualists named C.W. Leadbetter and Arthur E. Powell, are the different worlds through which our universe has passed.

There are a number of things to note about this record:

It places the earliest hominids in the Arctic and the frozen North, rather than in Africa where they actually evolved. This is because…

It claims that white people evolved first. Darker skin developed later, when early humans moved into the completely fictitious lands of Lemuria in the Indian Ocean and Mu in the Pacific. There also weren’t defined genders, because Mayans.

Realizing there was another fake lost continent they hadn’t explored yet, humans jetted over to Atlantis, where things promptly went to hell. The Atlanteans were androgynous, long-lived, and super magical, but they were also selfish. They used their minds to craft unholy human-animal and human-plant hybrids, which served them as slaves.

Scientists are dumb, LOL!!

It was also the Atlantean, or fourth root race, that witnessed the division of the human species into several races. I’ll reproduce this passage without comment, because I couldn’t explain this nonsense if I tried.

You’ll notice this era is tied to the Bible…somehow. I don’t remember the Bible mentioning anything about Native Americans living in Atlantis alongside chameleons, but maybe it was somewhere in the footnotes. The coinciding of Adam and Eve with the fourth root race also raises some interesting queries.

Did I say “interesting”? I meant “the University of Michigan is going to retroactively revoke my biological anthropology degree for even skimming this shit.”

We are currently in the fifth age, which carries the extremely unfortunate name of “Aryan.” Which makes the title of this book somewhat misleading, since the fifth world is actually on its way out. It’s the sixth world we need to look out for. And just in case you’re curious what the next worlds have in store…

It’s…that, apparently.

What does all this have to do with indigo children? Well, you see, indigo kids are harbingers of the next root race. They possess a Christ-like consciousness and a connection to the spiritual realm so complex, I’ll have to wait until next post to talk about it. For now, I’ll leave you with some comforting predictions about the world the indigo children will usher forth.

Crucified son of god, man eating snake deity…it’ll be one of the other, guys.

Or, if that’s too abstract, here’s a version in plain English:

Well, that’s good news. We’re living in a time of wisdom, peace, harmony, and love–war is over and everything’s great. Bless this new age.