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Sunday, 29 January 2012

Could the Real Kate, Please Stand Up.

I haven't been around much in the DOC this past week. Maybe a little more. I haven't been participating in DSMA or the usual twitter banter that we all enjoy with each other. Haven't blogged a whole lot either. I actually haven't been interacting with anybody a whole lot.

As some of you know, I started up a little thing for myself back in December, called DRehab. The next couple of paragraphs is an extract from an email I sent to a wonderful friend of mine, whom I met through the DOC. These words explained why I needed to check into DRehab so desperately.

"My background..I was diagnosed when I was 13. I’m 19 now. At first, I did really well. I thrived on just doing what I was supposed to do and being a good kid. I had almost perfect control all the time, I never had a problem with my Diabetes at all. I did most of it myself, or so I thought, but really I let my mom control a lot of my actions and i’m only realising that now. I gave her power a little bit every time, slowly. That is why i’m where i’m at now with the anxiety. A year and a half after I was diagnosed, my Grandfather died very suddenly. I was very close with my Grandparents. That summer I seemed to have sort of melt down. I was 15. I started having panic attacks and couldn’t leave the house. Couldn’t let my Mom go anywhere without me. I would get so panicky in the car sometimes I would make her pull over and if she didn’t, I would pull her arm off the wheel and almost crash the car. I couldn’t stay in school unless my Mom stayed outside in the car. All day.

It was very intense and I was like that for a long time. I never checked my blood sugar, never bolused, and spent most of the day disconnected from the pump. I was convinced that no matter what I did, I was going to go low and die. At night time I never connected my pump. When I did check my blood sugar, rarely, it would be 500+. I would freak out if my bloodsugar went under 360 because I was afraid I would go low. I remember one day I checked and I Was 260 and I had a total panic attack because I thought I was going to go low. I had a lot of hospital stays because my Mom would discover I wasn’t taking my insulin, she would try to give me a shot and I wouldn’t let her, so she would just send me to the hospital. But I was so scared and nobody saw that. Everybody just thought that I was being selfish and that was so hard. My Mom didn’t send me to counselling because she thought it was just a phase I was going through. She didn’t know for a long time that I was taking absolutely no insulin. I lied all the time and said my blood sugars were fine. When I would feel really sick, I would maybe take 2 units to take the edge off the high.

Then I started staying connected to the pump. But I never bolused. My panic attacks got a little better to where I could almost function. I went to college, got a full time job. Staying connected to the pump but never bolusing and constantly over eating, even while I was working. I did this right up until the 27th of November, 2011. My a1c was unreadable. Then one night I was watching Private Practice and I saw one of the characters putting herself through Rehab for drug addiction. I often thought to myself, I wondered if Rehab would help me. it was like an addiction, not taking the insulin and I just needed to stop lying and be open and honest about my fears. So I started DRehab, and shared my story on twitter. They were the hardest nights of my life but I knew that I had to do something because I was so scared that complications were lurking. I still get scared now but I bolus for everything now and it feels so wonderful to have that control back. My anxiety isn’t much better, I still won’t go anywhere alone and rarely go out with my friends, but it is slowly getting better. I'm putting myself through counselling every week and i’m working hard on my issues."

That's a bite-sized slice of my story. Like anybody else going through a rehab programme, I have relapses. I'm going through one now. I have been grossly over eating and not bolusing because this week, the fear won.

Right now i'm sitting at my kitchen table as I write this, having just consumed 50g of carbs and not bolusing for them because I am so worried that I will go low and die. I know that my fear is irrational, I do know that. But it feels incredibly real that it paralyses my every move and consumes my every thought through each and every day. I'm taking medication. I go to counselling. I'm in a better place than I was before. I keep my pump attached all the time. I check a couple times a day and I bolus here and there. That has been my pattern the last few days. Right now I know i'm
So high that my eyes feel greasy and I already wanna pee and and I just feel exhausted, yet I can't sleep. I feel like that all the time when I go through these relapses.

I don't know why i'm putting this all out there. I think maybe being real about it and being accountable, not hiding it anymore may help me push through it. I'm scared that i'm going to get hate mail, saying how awful and careless I am, how selfish I am, or even how stupid Or ridiculous I am behaving. I've heard it all before.

I'm in a dark lonely place right now and i'm looking everywhere for a ray of light that is going to help me find my way out.

I'll keep going through the motions and hoping i'll land on my feet with complications. I am aware that I probably will not. But i'm doing what I can to stay calm. This all has to be for something.

72 comments:

Kate, you are very brave to share this. I hope you feel stronger for letting us see this side of you, and empowered by asking for help. DO NOT FORGET: You have a whole community - globally! - of people with diabetes and people who love PWD who are here for you. Sharing this takes strength, and we need you here with us for a long, long time, so lean on us as you make changes to keep yourself safe.

You are your own ray of light, Kate. You're brave and wonderful and capable of making changes that will improve your mental and physical health. You are very loved. And you aren't alone, not even for a second.

Thank you so much Kerri. I do feel a lot better now knowing that the truth is out there. I am so grateful for all your support and all the inspiration you have given me over the years. I hope that this relapse won't last very long, and now I know that I have the DOC to lean on, and to help me out of it.

Dear Kate. I love you. You are loved. By me, and by many. You are such a valuable person.

By being brave enough to talk about your fears and how they are affecting your diabetes management, you are helping many others that are dealing with similar things.

You mentioned that you are getting help, and I'm so glad to hear that. Simply starting that help is the first step to get over this. I only as that you be 100% open and honest with the people that are helping you. They cannot truly help if they don't know everything that is going on.

You are loved by SO many Kate. Don't ever forget that. We need you to beat this so you can help others beat it. We're here for you.

Thank you Scott. I love you, too. I love all of my DOC family, and I will be eternally grateful for all the support I have received. I can see now that I made the right decision by hitting 'post' that Sunday night, and I am so glad that I did. I am 100% honest with the people that are helping me, and that is why I have cone this far, I believe. Thank you so much for reaching out.

Kate if there was anyway I could take these feelings from you for even one day I would. I don't know what you're going through, and I won't pretend to. I have felt scared to be low, of course, but the feelings you have are real and I'm so proud that you're owning them. I'm also so proud that you are taking steps to get through this. You are brave, and strong, and I wish you all the best. If there is ANYTHING I can do to help (from way across the pond!) you can ask.

You are so loved, Kate, and I am proud of you for sharing this part of yourself. It isn't easy to admit our struggles. Not even a little bit.

I am glad that you are in a place to want help, because I'm willing to bet that there are many, MANY out there who deal with what you deal with and aren't yet to that place. You are helping others already!

Please continue to do the things you need to do to be healthy, whatever those steps are - small, big, all of it. Your life and its impact on others has value. Don't forget that. Lean on us whenever you need to.

Thank you, Kim. I appreciate your kind words. It wasn't easy admitting my struggles but I am so glad now that I did. I feel so much better now knowing that everybody knows my secret now. This way I can reach out any time when I am struggling, and now everybody knows what is actually going on. It's like a weight has been lifted off. Thank you so much for your support.

Kate,You are a member of my DOC family. And you are needed, here, right now. You, my friend, are the ray of light others may be seeking. We love you, for who you are - brave, wondrous, child of God. Remember that. Be here with us, accept the waves of love and support. We are here for you.All my love and thoughts and prayers,Penny

Wow...this is like reading my own journal a few years ago. You are so not alone. For me, the hardest part about the anxiety/diabetes connection was that I knew better, yet it didn't matter. Anxiety wins because it controls you, and it makes itself more important than everything else. My panic attacks would come at any blood sugar under 250, because that meant I was going to go low and die. On a "strong" day, I would literally make myself suffer the panic attack for 2 minutes, and then eat. Then three minutes...and so on. I don't know if this helps, and I am far from being free of anxiety now, but it is rarer and less intense. Everything you said resonated with me. Please know that you are strong - it is obvious in your words, and it is obvious that you are loved by many. Don't stop trying.

I totally understand. Knowing better, but that doesn't matter. You just can't wrap your head around it, no matter how much information you have. It's nice to know that i'm not the only one out there feeling like this, because I really believed that I was until I published this post. Thank you so much for reaching out. I'll do my best.

I've had this insidious D thing for over 20 years and I can't count all the times I thought I had it figured out and then *BAM* it blindsides me. I also know many people with diabetes that seem to ignore its problems instead of facing them head on and trying to figure out how to deal with them. You take giant steps when you acknowledge the problems and seek answers, which you have done. Believe it or not, what you have written helps others like me who need to stop and re-examine what is working and what isn't instead of just lumbering through the days.

Real diabetes superheroes aren't the two dimensional tights wearing kind like the one I play, but they're the ones like you who have the courage and the good sense to look for answers.

Kate!!!! I love you to pieces for even talking to me on Twitter, let alone being an amazing beyond amazing friend! You were definitely the ray of light I was looking for when I started over again in all this. I am so proud of you! I'm so proud to call you my friend!! You are soooo brave to own up to this the way that you did. It takes courage to admit your true feelings about this disease. This is just another baby step in the right direction for you! One day at a time!!! Remember that you're a badass, you're stronger than this, and that I'm only an email/text/tweet away!

Carrie, i'm glad we found each other on twitter. You have given me a lot of inspiration and I am so glad that I have been able to help you, too. I am proud of you too, for being my friend and for being a bad ass. Baby steps. :)

Sweet girl, you are an amazing person for sharing your story. Diabetes on it's own is so much to deal with (26 yrs of dealing with it here). Add to that anxiety and I know you're in a constant battle. One day at a time is all that you can do. One day. Sometimes even one hour. I titled my blog "every day, every hour, every minute" because that's what living with diabetes (and I'm sure with anxiety) is like. Work on what you can. Sometimes it's a little, and sometimes it's a little more. You have a whole WORLD of people in the D-OC to love you and support you. We're here for you.

Hi Kate, I have been a type 1 diabetic for 16 years and really feel for you. Like you, I began having panic attacks due to a fear of going low. While I have 95% grown out of it (I'm 26 now), I still have what I call mini 'freak out moments'. I have also come to realise that I could be taking much better care of myself and have started blogging, and just like you, I think its so that I can hold myself accountable to making a change and work towards a better life. My blog is www.masteringme.com.au if you get a moment feel free to check it out, and maybe it will help you to know that you're not alone in your struggle to find stability and confidence in your body. I hope that in 2012 we can both achieve this. Best Wishes, Jessica

I'm so glad that you found the blogging world. If it wasn't for the blogging world I wouldn't have written this post and be overwhelmed with all this wonderful support I have now. Hopefully 2012 will be a great year for the both of us. Thank you so much for reaching out.

No one hates you Kate. Seriously. The comments here attest to that! Not only are you loved by many, you have been so incredibly brave to put yourself out there. You are certainly braver than I have *ever* been. There's so much here, but I just wanted to say I'm still here for you too. You have my email, and if you need it again, I'll send it again. Reach out whenever you need to. I just wish there was a way to reach out and give you a real hug, so while I can't, I hope these words help and send you my love {{HUGS}}

Thank you so much, Jamie. You, along with many other of the people that have commented here have really been a rock for me since starting DRehab,ánd I don't like to think what my life would be like without you all in it. Your words help so much, always. Thank you so much for everything that you do Jamie, you know I love you.

kate, i am so proud of you for sharing your story! i know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but you will get through this. it's going to be a lot of work, but we'll be with you every step of the way.

Hi Kate, Thank you for sharing with us. You are a strong person just for that alone! I have had T1D for 25 years now, diagnosed 3 weeks before my 11th Birthday. For years, my fear was, will I ever have a child? Will I be able to have a child with having Diabetes. Then, I had a child. I faced that fear, and overcame it. But then, when I had him, a new fear came. I didn't know what it was, but the thought of leaving the house with my baby gave me panic attacks, so I isolated. My husband ran errands for me, and every appointment that I had to attend gave me anxiety. One day, it finally struck me. I was having these panic attacks because of my fear of going low, being alone, and not being able to help my baby, or have the strength to care for him. I discussed this fear with my pump nurse, and she taught me more about setting temporary basals on my pump. It helped tremendously. I still struggle with the fact that my body likes to run on the high side, or perhaps, I like it that way because it feels safer to me. But, as I get older, and realize that I now have many years that I want to spend with my family, I have to take control now. Just today. If I think Just today, every day, my baby steps will eventually turn into leaps and bounds. And, that's not to say that some days won't be bad. It's like nature - you have to take the good weather, and the bad. That's just the way it is, and I accept it, and don't beat myself up over it - but in the meantime, it doesn't mean I stop trying. There are better days. Keep seeking the counselling, and doing the work. I speak from experience. It's been two years I have been doing the work, and I can honestly say that I can go to the grocery store now with my child, and there's not a thought about it. A big difference from two years ago. Day by day, I have worked, and I now can see the fruits of my labor. You will do the same. Believe in yourself. We are all survivors. Take care...you are in my thoughts.

Thanks so much for sharing your story with me. I'm so glad that you are feeling better and you have worked on your fears. I hope to do that too, some day soon. You are an inspiration to me and i'm so glad that somebody going through the same thing came out the other side. It's one heck of a journey, and hopefully there will be less uphill struggles in the future.

You can do this, Kate! You are not alone. There was a time in my life when I would get panic attacks (but not diabetes-related, it was before I was diagnosed) and I wouldn't be able to sleep either. In my case because I didn't want the nightmares to return. I started imagining that I was holding God's hand in my own as I was falling asleep, and that helped a lot. I was soon after diagnosed with both hypothyroidism and type 2 diabetes. I didn't know until then that severe hypothyroidism can cause nightmares and hallucinations. I haven't had a panic attack in many years now, (I have had both diseases for 10 yrs now), though just today I have been dreading giving myself my shot of byetta because I fear giving myself a bruise. So you see it's one day at a time. You are so brave and strong to share this with us, and you are NOT alone. I don't know if it will help or not, but I will tell you what my dad used to tell me when I was young, and couldn't control my temper even as a teenager (I believe I always had blood sugar issues even as a child, once my bg was in control my terrible temper improved dramatically, it takes an awful lot for me to lose it now the way I used to) which was: You are in control of your emotions. You really are. Don't let your emotions/fears tell you what to do. YOU tell THEM what they have to do!! Much love, Raquel

Thank you so much for sharing your story and reaching out to me. It is one day at a time, and I suppose, when it comes down to it, that is all that we can do. You are in control of your emotions. It's just about completing the journey to find the strength for that control. Thank you so much again.

Kate, it's ok to be afraid. As diabetics, we all experience fear to some degree. I work to overcome this fear everyday. I sometimes feel I'm low, check and I'm 124 - but that's OK, what's another test strip? Just know that we are out there, and we are here for you. You are loved and you can do it!

Thanks for sharing your heart. I'm only a d-dad, I have 2 little girls with T1, but I don't have D. I do, however, know your on the right track with being open and honest. I'm sure having a friend like you I will be able to help my girls through dark times, and I can in full confidence point them to this blog for help. Thank you for being a real person and open about your feelings. Much love and respect.

Hi Tim. Being a D-Dad, I know that you feel a lot of these fears and emotions that us PWD do, too. I believe honesty is the best policy, and honestly, I feel a lot better for being open about my demons.

Thank you for sharing your story. I have been T1 diabetic for 12 years. It hit me just I was transitioning from childhood to adulthood. For years I felt like it robbed me of my true adulthood because everyone always worried about me and questioned my actions for every bite I took and every dose of insulin I dished out. Even though I was in my 20's, I let my family and friends make me feel like a child. I went low enough once to need paramedics (only due to incorrect information from my doctor). After that I shutdown. I wouldn't talk about D anymore and I stopped taking care of myself. It took me more years to realize that wasn't the best option either. Finally, at 32, I am starting to take care of my physical and emotional state as I should. Most of it is because of the DOC and people like you who show me that I am not alone. I wish all the best for you in your journey. Take one step at a time and don't beat yourself up if you take a step back. Hugs to you!

Kate - You are so wonderfully loved and appreciated and brave!And your light shines and reaches all of us in the DOC and beyond. I know diabetes can be scary and frustrating and there are moments when all of us are ready give up. Don't give up Kate, PLEASE. Your light is so critical to us and I know that you can take the next steps for your physical and mental health. Little ripples make huge waves and we are here to cheer you on, help you up, and walk with you hand in hand - Just like you do for us! HUGS Kelly !

Thank you so much for your love and support and kind words. They mean so much to me. I am feeling better since writing this post, and that is thanks to all of you and your strength that you share with me every single day.

you are, simply put, amazing. as i was reading your post i was floored by how strong you are, even in hard moments. you can do this! you have one heck of a team (DOC Family!) cheering you on and you know if you need ANYTHING, all you have to do is ask. praying peace, rest and hope for you, kate. you can do this!

Shay, thank you for your kind words. It is amazing because right now I am not feeling very strong, but I take a look at the strength it took to be honest and i'm starting to believe it a little bit at a time now. It's a journey. Thank you so much for reaching out.

You're incredibly brave to share this Kate, and I hope you've found hitting the post button has helped. The DOC will be behind you every step of the way of your journey, 24/7/365 and will always be there with love and support for you. Sending lots of hugs x

Hi KateMy eyes have swelled up just reading the comments in response to your post - what an amazing support community you have built. Your hardest blog post that you have ever written demonstrates the real courage that you truly have. I wouldn't have had the courage to open up the way you have. Clearly you have inner strength and that with your community of support could be your path through this. Remember winters don't last for ever.

Brendon, if they made you emotional, you can imagine my eyes now, trying to thank everybody for all their wonderful support! Thank you so much for your kind words, Brendon. I love each and every one of you.

Reading your story will help others....my son is in yr 2 now....and doing great...but I fear that will change later....there seems to be phases of acceptance...and I think it hasn't fully hit him yet. I hope things get better for you soon....sounds like you are off to a good start....being able to see the problem is the hard part.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am terrible for replying on twitter but I know that you have given me so much support since you joined the DOC a couple of months ago, like everybody else in the DOC. I am always thankful for your words and all of your support truly helps me.

I know that you have your own struggles too, and I know that we will get through this. We just need to keep pushing, right?

Kate, Debra here, my blog name is Grammie. I unfortunately can't advise you as I have only been living with t1 diabetes for 1 year, and I am far from a teen. I do however know that you are such a sweetheart. You were one of the first few people who welcomed me to the DOC when I reached out 5 months ago. You never cease to make me chuckle. You have a great heart and spirit and that will help you through this tough time in your life. Just know that you are loved by many. Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through God who strengthens me."

Just the fact that you are living with D - It doesn't matter how long or what age you are, it means that you 'get' it. Thank you so much for reaching out. I'm glad that you feel that I have helped you since joining the DOC. Know that you have helped me tremendously too, I enjoy our little catch ups. You are also loved, too.

((HUGS))[[HUGS]]{{HUGS}} to you allllllll day long. I know where you are coming from. I was like this when I was younger, just not quite to the extent you are. When I'm having a hard time with diabetes - all the mind demons and anxiety and depression - I play Martina McBride's "You'll Get Through This". And pray a lot...You are a welcomed, needed part of the DOC... never forget that. :-)

Sarah, thank you so much for the hugs and reaching out. It means so much to me. I'm sorry that you had a similar experience when you were younger, it is not fun. I'm glad that you now have coping mechanisms and you are feeling better now. I hope to be in that situation some day soon myself.

Kate,I completely understand where you are coming from. I had a hard time digging out of this hole after I saw the paramedics twice in less than 36 hours. It takes time. You CAN do this! Good luck and let us know how your progress is going.

I started this comment a while ago, but my phone ate it, so now I'm back....

The real Kate *is* standing up. The real Kate is an imperfect person (just like the rest of us) who is managing two perfectly unpredictable health issues. And even better, those two conditions feed off and impact each other. No wonder you can't do it - yet. I know you *can* do this, maybe not today, or tomorrow, but you can. You're smart, and you've taken the first and hardest step in making things better, you started counselling. I've watched my husband cope with anxiety and depression and I know you can get your life back, because he did. Small steps are the part of the journey, and the DOC will be here to hold your hand as you walk down the road. You CAN do this - all of it :)@michelelp

Tahnk you, Michele, for reminding me that I can do it. Maybe not today, not tomorrow, but I can. I realised I have taken the hardest step. I guess that it can only go up from here. Baby steps are the way forward. Thank you so much for reaching out.

Hi Kate, sorry we didn't connect while I was in Ireland. I was busy everyday seeing family, more family, and resting! I'm sorry you're going through this, I had a different problem from about the first 20 years of diabetes where I was fully convinced it would kill me despite all I did. It's amazing how this disease plays with your feelings and your mind. I hope and pray you'll pull through this. God bless.

Kate: First, I'm sorry you're going through this. We all hit these tough patches from time to time, so much more severe than others. I've been in a hole lately myself trying to see that same ray of sunshine, and really it's only been through the Diabetes Online Community that I have realized the power of sharing and need to reach out for help - because as tough as it may be to admit, we can't do it on our own. Just writing this for your own benefit is a first step, and connecting with others is another huge move forward. We've got your back. Whatever you need, chances are there's someone who's been there or is there and will do whatever it takes to help. I'll keep you in my thoughts, and look forward to connecting in the ever-expanding community. Best you way.

Kate, You. Are. Amazing!! Diabetes is hard. Diabetes tries it's best to knock us down. Bu the fact that you would be so honest, so brave, so strong to share all of this with us shows just what an inspiration you are. You are also kind and caring and I appreciate everything you've done for me - you have helped me through some really tough times. And now, I hope I can help you right back. Sending positive thoughts, good vibes, huge hugs, and an open offer to turn to me whenever the going gets rough!!

Karen, thank you for your kind words. I am so glad that I was able to help & comfort you through tough times. You are a dear friend to me and always will be. Knowing that I have your support when I need it is priceless. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Emma

Hi, I'm Emma. The diagnoses which affect me every day are type 1 diabetes, major depressive disorder and hypothyroidism. I'm studying at university, living alone for the first time, and I've been dealing with type 1 diabetes since 2007. I'll be blogging about a mixture of diabetes and the rest of my life.

Kate

I'm dealing with Type 1 Diabetes and Anxiety in one messed up ball. I will be blogging mostly about my life with Diabetes, and anything else that I find interesting. Diabetes is hard, but if we stand together we can get through each day. No person with Diabetes should ever feel that they are alone. Also, I can be very sarcastic and I LOVE the Diabetes Online Community