Hate Is a Choice

Israelis are trying to process their grief -- the Palestinians are exploiting theirs.

Camp Koby and Yosef, which my husband and I created in the wake of our son's murder, ran camps for hundreds of Israeli children who lost parents or siblings in terror attacks, or who themselves had been injured.

With the summer over, we have worked with almost 600 children, helping them to go on in joy.

Our camps have art, music, and drama therapy, specially trained counselors and staff to enhance healing moments with the children, teaching them that pain can be touched, endured and shared. Our goal is to channel and transform pain so children can continue to grow into productive, energetic citizens.

In most Palestinian summer camps the philosophy starkly contrasts the intent of our camps. As reported in The Jerusalem Post, at summer camp Palestinian children learn to fight like soldiers; the camps have names honoring terrorists who have blown up buses; the campers march around like guerrilla fighters and swear allegiance to killing Israelis.

Meanwhile, in an exceptional camp explicitly founded as one that does not teach Palestinian children violence, the director states that he is, instead, teaching the children "solidarity." In other words, there is a still a political agenda, even if explicit violence isn't on the menu.

As an Israeli mother who lost a child to terror I know how immense grief is and how much work it is to deal with loss and keep it in a place that is surrounded by love and kindness. The pain is simply unbearable. But in my work with over 150 Israeli mothers this year, all of whom have lost children or husbands to terror, I have heard only a handful talk about anger.

The media assume that Israelis who have been struck by terror walk around filled with hate and anger and calls for vengeance. But it's not true. We walk around filled with sadness and despair. But that despair does not motivate us to hate or kill. We Jews translate our pain into sadness and a desperate need for coping, personal growth, and memorializing our children.

That is the message we transmit to our children.

Conversely, too many Palestinians teach their children to translate their pain into anger and vengeance. And though many argue that the Palestinians are powerless and in despair and thus forced to resort to vengeance and violence, the short-lived hudna showed us that Palestinian powerlessness is a myth.

What is supposed to be a time for innocent adventure is instead manipulated into a period of political and moral indoctrination of the worst kind.

The Palestinians can control their so-called desperation. Their calls for vengeance, their hatred is a choice. And their leaders keep choosing hate. You can see that hate expressed blatantly in Palestinian summer camps.

What is supposed to be a time for innocent adventure is instead manipulated into a period of political and moral indoctrination of the worst kind. And it is the children who are being manipulated; some would say, abused.

Camp songs might be dismissed as irrelevant, yet if the Palestinian children are singing songs of hate, those are the songs that will fill these children's hearts for decades.

There is a chasm between the Israeli and Palestinian cultures, and though some want to ascribe it to politics, the tragic truth is that no political solution can dampen the flames of hatred that have been kindled in Palestinian society. The hate is too deep, too insistent, and too accepted.

Few journalists want to touch the story of Palestinian hate. Major media like The New York Times and The Washington Post avoid our camp -- perhaps because it reveals the deep-seated difference in the two cultures.

Israelis are trying to process their grief -- the Palestinians are exploiting theirs.

Do not underestimate the power of pain. Unprocessed grief can last for decades. The cynical exploitation of pain -- in summer camps, schools, and in the Palestinian and international media -- is a prime saboteur of any attempts at peace -- and may be so for generations to come.

Israelis are working to cope with their pain. Palestinians nurture theirs, inflame it, and worship it.

This article originally appeared in the Jerusalem Post.

The writer is co-director of the Koby Mandell Foundation's Healing Retreat, a therapeutic program for bereaved mothers and widows of families struck by terror.

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About the Author

Sherri Mandell is the author of "Writers of the Holocaust," and author of the forthcoming book (Sept. ༿) "The Blessing of a Broken Heart" (Toby Press). She and her husband are founders of The Koby Mandell Foundation (www.kobymandell.org), dedicated to creating programs that help children and families struck by tragedy.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
simona,
September 10, 2003 12:00 AM

teaching hate is abuse

more people need to share this information. teaching children to hate is akin to mental and emotional abuse. many years ago i saw a photograph of a family in the united states that had posted a nazi flag and posters from white supremacy groups in their baby's nursery. these people limited their child's chance to grow up with love and decency in his heart.
in this same way the palestinians are murdering their children from the inside with hate. a child who knows only hate and anger will grow up to be an adult whose heart is filled with so much hate that there is little room for love.
golda meir once said that there will only be peace when the palestinians learn to love their children as much as their hate the jews. that day is still long in coming, may they someday bless their children with peace and love instead of hate and destruction.

(4)
Rifka,
September 7, 2003 12:00 AM

Action, not words, must be the answer.

I can't understand why so many people are wringing their hands at the thought of Arab cynicism. We all know that they use their children as weapons to kill and hurt Jews. When will action be taken to end this ultimate form of child abuse?

(3)
Beverly Kurtin,
September 7, 2003 12:00 AM

Constant Choices

Humans are constantly faced with choices; the courageous and compassionate choice of the Mandells to channel what had to be unfathomable grief to comfort others is deserving of praise. They have taken the mitzvah to love their neighbors as themselves above and beyond anything that could possibly be expected of anyone.

It is regrettable that the Arabs have chosen to implant their next generation with the hatred they feel towards us and themselves. The mind that chooses to hate others turns inwards and poisons its own soul and body. I fear for the future of those who choose to hate us; HaShem's promises to bless them that bless us and curse those who curse us has not expired.

(2)
Naghi Astanei,
September 7, 2003 12:00 AM

I accept no compromise in war on Terrorism

Dear Sherri Mandell:
Please, accept my condolence. The Terrorism, not just AlQaehah, should be erased from face of Earth, no if but or then. What you said about Palestinian Camp did distrube me,yet I take it as a bitter turth. However, when we say Israel, about 1/4 of this great nation are Arabs, not to mention we have Israeli Jewish-Arabs, too. About 1 per cent of Israel Terro victems are Israeli Arabs. Would you plaes, let me know which kind of camps they run? I am sure Mr. Arafar, Yaseen,...care about them as much they care about other human beings, which is nothing. Do you try to reach them or do they try to reach you? I believe if Moslem and Jews they work side by side they can overcome these evil-doer. the Terrorism should be erased from book of this universe, no if, but, or then.
I do feel about victems of terror in israel same as my own member of families. Thank you and G-d Bless you
Naghi

(1)
Moshe Goldstein,
September 7, 2003 12:00 AM

Hate

I am glad aish.com mentioned how most Israelis don't want revenge or to kill Palestinians. I often hear people say about how the Palestians and Israelis hate each other and which annoys me since its not true. The Palestinians hate Jews but most Jews don't hate Palestinians.

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I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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