My journey of personal growth out of the pain of my divorce and into me.

Monday, September 15, 2014

The White Flag

Two different people recently asked me if I had someone
special in my life. I said no. They went on to ask if I was even
looking, to which I also replied in the negative.

I
believe I've posted here where I believe that 'looking' implies a
desire to actually want a mate/partner/husband, or whatever the mot-du-jour is.

I can say, right now, I don't.

I don't want one, I'm not looking for one and I am completely fine with that.

Why this attitude?

Two conversations recently came together in a perfect storm in my mind and then proceded to occupy my heart.

In the first one, I heard that damaged people can often employ
emotional manipulation to get what they want. Yet, they may be unaware
they are doing it, as they've been doing it for so long as a means of either
protecting themselves or securing what they perceive they want/need.

Let's face it, gay men are often very damaged, though many of
us have learned to overcome and have repaired some of our damages.

The other conversation I had was about gay men and sex. I was
nervous about getting back out there for I knew I would have to cross
that bridge. Someday. With all the STDs out there, it can be very
daunting. Downright frightening.

I also overheard two men conversing about their recent dates.
Both may have been dating the same guy for it appeared they had the same
date. They each met their guy for a meal then headed to a bar where the guy
later told them he had a boyfriend who was out of town. So, could they
just have a quickie? I happen to know they each met different guys because their dates were on the same day, but at different bars.

So, if gay men are
emotionally damaged and may be employing some kind of emotional
manipulation, perhaps subconsciously, to get what they want, and some
may also be lying about their relationship and/or HIV status, how in the
fuck do you know who to trust?

Add that to the string of disappointments I've recently
experienced and it should come as no surprise as to the fact that I
surrender.

I give up.

Yes, I do.

And let's also not forget the other more rational fears I have if I should actually
meet a decent guy, and it does get a tad serious, there's so much more
to consider. But, if I've given up, why am I even thinking this?

No comments:

Post a Comment

About Me

I am a retired teacher in Los Angeles, California.
My first novel, Out of the Past, was published in September 2012, and there are several more ideas bubbling around in my head hoping they, too, will see the light of day. Several years ago I wrote some poems and again, some of those might surface here.