Bloodsuckers / Blood Thirst

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All Rise...

The Charge

See the terror! Feel the shock! Live the horror!

The Case

In Bloodsuckers, Michael (a
Professor of Advanced Curtness at Oxford) is on sabbatical in Greece when he
runs into an oversexed hippie blood sect who wants him to join their merry mix
of non-conformist neck biters. When Sir Mickey goes missing, the elite desk
jockey corps of British Intelligence stretches into action. They find our errant
Oxfordian, save him from a life in the Greek thrill kill cult, and deliver him
back to the bondage of upper crust English society. Edward Woodward makes some
comments about vampires being perverts and everyone eats sticky toffee pudding.
In Blood Thirst, a rough and tumble New York cop travels to the
Philippines for some overheated melodrama and underage prostitutes. Seems there
is a killer terrorizing the local dancehall queens, draining all the blood from
their bodies. The maniac waddles throughout the movie in a mask that resembles a
spongy donkey turd, and musical samba interludes are provided for no good
reason. After a dance or two from the only white woman in the history of the
race to have both her looks and ability to move gracefully stolen at birth, our
hero literally stumbles upon the truth. Too bad he doesn't let the audience in
on it.

Now, it is a historical fact that vampires, because of their very nature,
suck, and suck hard. But it is highly unlikely that any vampire, not even Vlad
the Impaler his bad self, sucked as hard as Bloodsuckers and Blood
Thirst. This is unquestionably the worst DVD Something Weird has put out,
two flimsy films so ripe with rot and chock full of cheese that no amount of
extras, features, bells, or whistles can save it from a huge wooden stake
through its keep case heart. Bloodsuckers wants to be a freethinking
scientific study of why people would want to drink blood, and have blood drunk
from them. It ends up being a Hammer movie made by actual hammers. Blood
Thirst wants to be a hard-boiled thriller, a kind of Nosferatu Noir. It ends
up stinking like a Philippians pile of vampire bat guano. Neither film makes
very much sense, and the plotting, acting, and directing don't help matters
much. The fact they are sold as vampire movies really undertakes the cake. Jumanji had more to do with vampires than
these films.

Granted, SWV has gone overboard with the presentation, finding pristine
copies of these two films, and placing them in a Drive-in circa 1970 style
interactive production. The archival short subjects are a mixed bag but the
dozens of drive-in promos, ads, and intermission material all make for
entertaining viewing. Even the trailers offer some intriguing double bills (and
frankly, ones that sound better than what is presented here). While it's hard to
find fault with ads for mouth-watering Smithfield BBQ sandwiches and iceless
sodas, it's a shame this material graces these lackluster films. It's true that
this was an actual double feature that traveled around the country. Still, some
things are better left to their time, like cyclamates, or C.W. McCall. This is
ONE painful double bill.