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New York Red Bulls

Literal things might be bigger in Texas, but names are just bigger in New York. That might be why the New York Red Bull alumni registry reads like an issue of American Soccer Legends Quarterly (a publication that exists only in the sentence precluding this parenthetical, but roll with it): Alexi Lalas. Michael Bradley. Clint Mathis. Tony Meola. Tim Howard. Thierry Henry. Eddie Pope. Alexi Lalas' Hair. Jozy Altidore. The Frizz from Alexi Lalas' Hair. The list flirts with endless. But the other reason might be that New York has always been a classy town with a soccer streak. Holler back, Cosmos fans. Meet the Red Bull Modify, the classiest thing to come out of Red Bull Arena since Thierry Henry's accent.