Cleaning house

Thursday, June 28, 2007

No, it was NOT a mirage.

Yes, there was a post here.

No, you can't read it any more.

I took it down. Because I got to doing more of that dreaded THINKING. (it's highly over-rated, just so you know.)

Although you may not think so, coming here to read my daily laundry lists, I'm an incredibly private person. And as an incredibly private person (IPP) I have been working harder to let people into my head. But I still have some issues with 'appropriate'. Because I generally consider EVERYTHING to be inappropriate to share, I have, on occasion, a difficult time determining what's okay to share, and what's not okay to share.

After some serious thought, I determined that my post--albeit harmless, and honest, and sincere--is NOT okay to share. It's not fair to people named in the post to have to read about themself on the internet if I'm not ready to say things face-to-face.

So I'm sorry I posted it. (I'm not sorry in general, but I'm VERY sorry in specific--because it's the kind of thing that would be incredibly offensive to the person in question, and I should have thought of that before I hit enter. But I didn't. Because I'm a maroon.)

Anyway--enough with the drama, mama!

Tonight is my final Gaelic (ghaidlig) class, and I'm sad about it. There may or may not be Thirstday beer afterwards...I hope so, but I have a lot to do to get ready for the 3-day camp-out that is STANFEST! Also, I may have hurt Bill's feelings to the point where he avoids allowing me to explain. Oopsie. I hope not, but we'll see.

Um...what else? I just got back from the gym--for the first time in WEEKS. And it was AMAZING. I loved it. It loved me back. And I realized that I need to get back into the habit so I get out of the habit of being FAT. (I'm not 'F'at, but I AM becoming 'f'at--and that just ain't kosher.)

I'm going to be late for class, so I have to book out of here...have a good night. I'm sure I'll post again later tonight as the packing progresses.

So far? AMAZING weather on my vacation! I hope this keeps up, I want to be warm in Canso!

If your name is Bill--skip this one.

Hello, dear readers.

This is a post of stuff from my head. And my heart. And I am putting it here to share with random strangers on the internet. Unless they are named Bill. Because at least one of you Bills plays a role in this post. And I'm not ready to share that role with you just yet.

And since I'm not really ready to discuss it with you in person, it's probably not really fair for you to read it here first. I promise that some time soon, I'll get over myself and tell you. But right now? Right now I'd just prefer that you stop reading this post, and move on with your day. Come back some time on Monday, and I'll have a new post for you to read. Or go over to the sidebar and tap on THIS post. It's pretty much harmless. Or go check out the 'Stache. Good things are happening over there these days too.

The rest of you? This is just the flotsam and jetsam that's been milling around in my head. It finally had to come out. Because I hurt Billy's feelings tonight by saying something dumb, but I said the dumb thing because of things that are not so dumb. But they make me FEEL like *I* am dumb. So...yeah.

And thanks to all you Bills out there in the blogosphere for moving on. Somewhere there's a cookie with your name on it. If not, come back next week and I'll make you one of your own. : )

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I KNOW you're not still here. Shoo.

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(the first paragraph is left in from my earlier post, so you have some context. If you haven't read it yet, go HERE now. We'll wait.)

Gaelic was awesome on Tuesday night. There was a pretty good turn out, almost all the usual suspects. Bill was still sick and didn't show. Pat was there, but he won't be at the make-up session on Thursday. I think it'll be a bit less chaotic than it is when he's there. He's fun, but distracting. I dunno if Bill's going to make it or not. I may have offended him tonight in a way that will preclude his appearance.* Who knows.**

Tonight, you already read, I went to the movies. I saw SICKO, the latest Michael Moore film. It was excellent. I was lucky enough to go for free, but it would be well worth the price of admission.

***Edit: Here's the part I chopped out before. If I decide to leave it. I may not. Just so you know. I may not be QUITE ready for prime-time.*****(yeah, i know normal people put the single star first...suck it up)

Blargle. It's so confusing, this boy-girl crap. It shouldn't be. I feel like one of those clingy boys I've always had the misfortune of having to crush. I know now though, that crushing really IS the kindest way to deal with them. Because when you completely dash their hopes? You're being kind. It's kindest to take away ALL hope, because then at least they can move on.

Moving on is apparently not something I've been terribly good at lately.

***I've been working hard at moving ahead with my emotional baggage, and not clinging quite so securely to something that obviously did not work out well. I've been working at it, but not so hard, really, as I'm not quite prepared to take the necessary steps to start that actually happening.

In fact, truth be told, I've been regressing. But I don't think it's ENTIRELY my fault. I've even been hesitant to type out my story here, because I know that the object of my obsession reads it and I figure that if I'm not prepared to TALK to him about it, it's not quite fair to blog about it. But fuck it...this is MY space, and if he doesn't want to read it, he should stop now and go read a post about Iqualuit.

Okay...so. Where was I? Ah yes...confused, befuddled, mixed-up, pining, obsessive, and stupid. Yes, that's pretty much where I've been for the last few months.

So...how I may have messed things up. Except that one can't mess up something that doesn't exist in the first place. Can one?

Joanna's been obsessing on my behalf from the very beginning about things with Billy. She's a good friend, and a strong supporter of Things That Sadie Wants In Life. She's also a VERY good reader of people. As am I, 98% of the time. We've both got Game, and we've both got excellent skills at deciphering the intentions of people in general, and boys in particular. So she's been a strong proponent of an "Us". She was just as disappointed as I when he and I split. She (like me) didn't understand how he could have so much of a dichotomy in his words and actions with regards to me. "He's so clearly into you!"

He's had a habit of ACTING like a boyfriend, yet not being prepared to follow through. Which is fine, now, as the last time we split he said 'I don't like you like that. I don't know why, but it's just not working.' So I get that. And I've been trying to get my head wrapped around it.

It's why we didn't speak for a couple of weeks post-break. And that was very painful for me (And apparently for him, but I only know what I hear--besides, this isn't about him, it's about ME). So with extra time on my hands, I then started thinking about stuff (no good EVER comes of thinking about stuff--trust me). And through all this thinking about stuff, I decided that if I were to die tomorrow, it would be more important to me to have him in my life now in a friend capacity than to not have him in my life at all and have the End be more decisive. So I began the VERY difficult task of letting him back in a little bit, and yet trying to keep my Self pulled back to a safe distance.

That safe distance has slowly ebbed and faded. I have no distance. He's probably far closer to me now than he ever was. Which is a problem. Hell, I've seen more of him in the last month than I did the entire time we were dating. (BOTH times added together!)

I've been knowing that in order to move ahead in a new relationship, I need to stop spending so much time with Bill. He's in my conversation too much, and he's a huge part of my day every day. Much more so than he should be, if I'm actively seeking out a new relationship. Which I'm mostly not doing.

Those of you who were around the blog last summer (and those of you who want to bother with the archives) will recall that it was a summer of men. Like candy, it was, last summer. And I was loving it. Granted, I never met any I wanted to keep...but it was nice to just graze the smorgasbord that presented itself to me on an almost daily basis. I need to get back to that.

I'm too old to be doing this 'pining over lost boys' bullshit. I don't have the energy. And, if it comes down to it, I just don't have the time. My timetable is becoming increasingly shorter. As is my bullshit meter. I just don't have the tolerance I used to. But that's an entirely different post.

Anyway...I mentioned a couple of posts ago about my minor 'jealousy issues'. They're not really so minor, honestly. I'm not used to being a jealous person. And I don't like it at all. But it's that much more unpleasant and intolerable to my self when it's entirely inappropriate to feel that way.

About a month ago, my boss added Bill to his Facebook friends. And Bill added my friend Joanna. This happened within 24 hours of one another. All I saw was 'Bill and Boss are now friends' and 'Bill and Jo' are now friends. I was mad. "Why are you stealing my friends?!" Outrage ensued. "I dunno. She's kinda fun, and everybody else seemed to like her". Yeah.

I freaked out on my boss for stealing my friends. He laughed and said that if it bothered me, he'd steal more of them. That's an answer I can deal with.

Anyway...fast forward a bit to how Billy's been acting lately.

He's a decent man. He does good things. He may not even realize that what he's doing has implications. But I can't honestly believe anybody can be so obtuse as to not Get It as much as this.

He drove my drunk ass (and Jo's) home from the bar. After he came out (sober) to meet up with our drunken selves. He turned around and went home to get me a sweater when I texted him that I was cold. I asked for a specific sweater...which he brought. After turning around to get it.

He picked me up the next day and drove me to my car. This was BEYOND out of his way.

He does things like says 'I thought we should do the Cabot Trail this weekend'. (WTF?!)

He says 'we'. A lot.

He tries really hard to pay for things when it's not his turn. Like my beer when we were out with a crowd last week. I barely said more than 3 words to him last Thursday as he went down early with a bunch from work and he ended up sitting at the other end of a long bench.He settled my tab with his, even though it was my turn to pay for both of us. And my ice cream at the park, when I was perfectly capable of paying, besides which, HE DROVE. Again, way out of his way.

Yeah. And then he says stuff like this... One day his MSN tagline said something that made me ask what was wrong. What it was that had him confused as to how to proceed. He said something like 'the same old thing---girls and relationships'. I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He said 'better not'. I braced myself to hear all about a new girl...(or a crush on jo!)...but it didn't come. I explained that he could tell me anything and I'd be fine. And that the best way to proceed with something, as both he AND I were well aware, was to start with spending less time * together*. He said 'no, it's more complicated than spending less time'.

*boggle* anyway, he didn't want to get into it, and I let it lie. Because I wasn't prepared to cut the cord just yet myself. (and i'm still not, really)

I know that this doesn't seem like a lot individually. And that's how I've been trying to look at the situations. But I can't, because I have the whole series of events in front of me. And I have daily conversations to reflect upon. And 'how was your day?' (He asks me this 'because it's important!'And I do have to say—it *is*.And I like it.)

I've been trying to NOT read anything into anything and to take absolutely everything at face value. But it's hard. And it's harder when well-intentioned people, who happen to be AMAZING at reading people's actions, comment on what a dork he is because 'he's obviously in love with you'. No. He's not. He's just a good friend. (repeat seven billion times to yourself in your head. rinse. repeat until it sinks in)

He's the best friend I have. And possibly the best adult friend I've EVER had. And I don't want to let go of that part, but I know that once one of us starts seeing somebody else it has to change anyway. So it probably wouldn't be such a bad thing to start picking back the band-aid a bit now.

So...where the Facebook part comes in. Billy msg'd Jo one day, asking if I was mad at him because I'd become distant with him. She said 'no' but suggested that he talk to me about it. And that we should talk anyway.

He continues to msg her randomly. I know that the first time, he assumed she'd tell me. Because he asked me if I'd been talking to her lately. He's been asking me about her fairly often since. (leading me to believe he has a crush on her, actually) He usually only asks when he's msg'd her about something. But he asks, and tries to make it nonchalant. I'd not mentioned until tonight that I was even aware they were speaking. And THAT is when the shit hit the fan.

I was going to ask him about all of it on Sunday at the park. And I didn't. I was going to ask him a hundred times in the last 10 days, and I didn't.Because I didn’t want to know, really, what was going on.

And tonight, he asked me about Jo.While he was msging her on Facebook.Which she told me, because I was chatting with her. (He did this before and I didn't acknowledge that I was aware.) So I answered him, and then told him that if he wanted to know anything else, to ask her himself.He said ‘I don’t have her contact info’.To which I called Bullshit.I asked him if he was ‘fucking schizophrenic?’*(did you think I'd forgotten?) (that’s why he may not show up tomorrow—he immediately clammed up with me on MSN.I hurt his feelings.)

I explained that I *knew* he’d been msging her and that I didn’t understand why he would hide something like that from me.I went on to say that he was free to talk to whomever he liked, that it had no bearing on me whatsoever, but that asking me about her while he was msging her in another window was deceitful.And that while he didn’t intend it that way, it was also quite hurtful—because I didn’t think there was any NEED to be deceitful with me.So he clammed up.He ignored me for a good 10 minutes then said ‘I’m going to bed’ and just quit out.He didn’t say ‘goodnight’ like he ALWAYS does, or‘see you tomorrow’.I offended him…for which I apologized.But he holds a grudge a lot worse than me…and I’m a grudge holder from way back.

I just don’t know where to go from here.I feel bad, but I needed to say it.I should have waited until tomorrow though, so I could have done it more casually over beer—face to face.ButI didn’t.And I will likely not get the chance now.And it’s certainly going to make the 5 hour drive to Stanfest a bit of a challenge.Oh well.Perhaps he’ll fall madly for Angela and they’ll hook up. I’ll spend all my time busy mocking them, and I’ll be SO busy mocking that I forget to be upset…because honestly? It IS that funny.

I need to rip the band-aid right off.I need to have some finality.It would, most likely, be better for him too.But I’m not ready for that.I’m not willing to do it.

I’m selfish enough to WANT my guided tour of the Cabot Trail.I WANT my best friend.I WANT someone who Gets Me like that.Even though I know that politically we’re mismatched.Socially?We’re slightly mismatched.Ethically?We’re also mismatched.(he’s so hardcore and unbending!)

I am somewhat afraid to let it go.I have been doing just fine without the physical parts.But it’s been a very long time since I was this close to anyone emotionally. Probably not since Ryan.

I was never this wrapped up in Luke.And the closest Kzelly and I got to an emotional bond was some really amazing sex, and his mom crying when I left. (yes I DID just talk about sex and his mom in the same sentence)

I really DO love him.I just need to make sure it’s not the unhealthy kind of love it has been so far.I need to make it a lot more ‘familial’ and a lot less ‘familiar’.

Because it’s NOT cool being in love with a boy who doesn’t like you ‘like that’.Even if he ACTS like he likes you ‘like that’ all the time.Because if he SAYS he doesn’t? You have to believe it.Particularly when it’s said by a boy who doesn’t waste a whole lot of words.(lather, rinse, repeat.)

So yeah.That’s where my head’s been at. Wheee.Gut-kickingly good times! (2:48 am)

my life as a moron

Today was GREAT--it was my first day of vacation for the year.

I will enumerate for you the ways in which the day was great.

1. I slept in.2. I had coffee.3. I read blogs.4. It was hot and sunny outside.5. I had more coffee.6. I had a nap.7. I confirmed my Stan Rogers campsite and ticket. All is a go.8. I got a surprise phone call from a blog-friend inviting me on a date! Wheee!9. I went to the movies!10. I shared an enormous VAT of popcorn.11. I single-handedly demolished almost entire bag of Twizzlers. (this part is not so great)12. I drank approximately a litre of pop.13. I got home in time to see the Bedford Days fireworks!!! (I nearly forgot them!)14. I chatted with Jo.

and best of all?

15. I did NOT go to work! (although Fireworks and a free movie may just out-rank this one!)

Wheee! Tell me that isn't a fabulous way to start a vacation?

There were a few minor glitches, of course, but what day is perfect? And what kind of day would it be if I didn't put my foot squarely into my own mouth? Exactly. Not the kind of day that happens in MY life.

***Edit: removed a chunk to add in either later in this post, or in another, entirely separate post. When I'm ready.***Saturday was the Stagette. You heard about half of it...which is really enough. It was lame. It was fine, but really rather uneventful. I didn't actually WEAR my cowboy hat, and was quite pleased not to...even though I felt a bit bad letting Tamara down. But it was cheesy. Stupid cheesy, and I didn't want to. So that's that.

I mentioned my 'pretend boyfriend' a few posts back, but didn't actually explain it. It's not an imaginary construct--although we've all used that before! I actually have an official pretend boyfriend. We signed papers and everything. *snickeR* Bill's gym membership at the Sportsplex expired, and he was looking to join my gym-conglomerate. I happen to get a very sweet deal with them. I added him to my membership as a 'family member' at the same address, and Voila! Insta-boyfriend who gets my uber-fantastic gym pricing. Also, should I happen to stroke-out while at the gym? Or take a seizure of some sort? I now have an 'in case of an elliptical machine emergency' person. Although I'm now his 'in case of a treadmill emergency' person too...such a responsibility! (and with regards to the suggestion that I mention my 'pretend boyfriend' to my boss to scare him off? My Pretend Boyfriend actually OFFERED on his own to send him threatening emails. I declined.)

Sunday afternoon Bill and I went to the park. It was a spectacular day, and I was going to go on my own. He also said he was going to go to the park, so we went together. No big complicated plan. But it was nice. We hiked all over the place. I got to climb on the Cambridge battery. I didn't get to spend a whole lot of time sitting and staring at the water like I usually do, but poor Billy didn't get to sit and study his Gaelic books like he wanted to either. We hiked around for almost 3 hours--I didn't realize it was that long. Then we got ice cream! It was awesome. I enjoy ice cream at the park so much.

Monday I thought I opened, but I actually closed the store. So I got some spare sleep which I needed very much. Getting ready for this Royal visit at work has had everyone worn out.

I got home from work and was starting my supper when I saw on my MSN that poor Bill was sick. I asked 'how sick?' and got a sooky (such a maritime word!) 'i wish my mom was here because I need some soup' reply. His mom's in the States visiting his sister, so I fished in the freezer and came up with a chicken breast. I turned it into some rather watery soup while I made my dinner. It turned out okay. Just okay. Not great. But it's hard to expect great soup when you have no bones with which to make broth. Anyway...he seemed pretty pleased that I'd do that. I dropped it off at his house on my way to work on Tuesday. Because his house is soooooo conveniently the opposite direction of 'on my way to work'. But I hate when people are sick. Especially when you live alone, there's not much worse than feeling like crap and not feeling like you've got anybody you can call to look after you.

Gaelic was awesome on Tuesday night. There was a pretty good turn out, almost all the usual suspects. Bill was still sick and didn't show. Pat was there, but he won't be at the make-up session on Thursday. I think it'll be a bit less chaotic than it is when he's there. He's fun, but distracting. I dunno if Bill's going to make it or not. I may have offended him tonight in a way that will preclude his appearance.* Who knows.**

Tonight, you already read, I went to the movies. I saw SICKO, the latest Michael Moore film. It was excellent. I was lucky enough to go for free, but it would be well worth the price of admission.

***Edit: Here's the part I chopped out before. If I decide to leave it. I may not. Just so you know. I may not be QUITE ready for prime-time.***

Yeah, that part is 5 pages long and counting...so I chopped it again. I don't think I'm ready to hit enter on that part just yet anyway. So suffice it to say that I've got some turmoil, some delicious foot-in-mouth action, and some 'I dunno where the fuck to go from here' going on. One day I'll post the 'draft' version. Until then...it's 2:22 am and i've been typing for 2 hours straight. I'm going to bed. Goodnight, poppets.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Fun!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

"who here likes a good story about a bridge?"

**********Posting this in the (possibly misguided) belief that half a post is better than none...here's a draft from Monday. I'll finish it up tomorrow. Sorry for the half-assed (and half-posted) attempt at an update. I suck. You should be used to it by now.**********

So who's coming to Stanfest this weekend? You? You? Hurrah! The more the merrier!

I'm really excited about the whole adventure. It should be oodles of fun.

This weekend was pretty good...I was exhausted at the start, and am a bit tired in apprehension of the week ahead...but the weekend was lovely.

Saturday I slept very late, which was lovely. I needed the rest, and I love to be cozy more than almost anything else. After work, I hustled home and then back out with Caroline and Angela to Tamara's stagette. It was...excruciating.

The dress-code was cowboy hats. I'd borrowed one for the occasion, but decided to not wear it. I did not regret my decision at any point during the evening. We were headed down to the Lower Deck, or so I thought. When my crew got there, we actually found everyone in the Beer Garden (Middle Deck). It was crowded, and loud, and hot. Very hot. The crew had been drinking since 4pm...so they were a bit worse for wear. (Cover charge: $6. Beer: domestic--$4.75)

We were there for just about an hour when a change of venue was suggested.

Remote posting

So here we are on Thirstday night. It seems that this is becoming my 'weekly update' night.

Or not because now? Through the magic of TimeWarpTechnology, it's Saturday afternoon! (Insert oohs and ahhhhs here, if you will.)

This past week has been fantastic. Busy as all get out, but fun-fun-fun. You may or may not recall a few months ago when I met a girl at a party and she asked me if I wanted to sail with her this summer. And I did. LOTS. But I didn't know how.

Well, this week we remedied my lack of knowledge. Or made it more glaringly apparent, whichever. Either way, this week I was taking a Ladies' Learn-to-Sail program and what a riot it was!

I had to miss one of the nights on the water due to the fact that I have a J-O-Bwhich made me very sad. And incredibly apprehensive about last night which was our first real race. But what a blast we had! It was a whole lot of fun, and I'm really looking forward to the league races throughout the rest of the summer.

This week coming is the last of my Ghaidlig classesand that's sad too. I'm very much looking forward to the more structured classes coming up in September, but will be sad to not have any lessons for July and August. I hope I still remember stuff by the autumn!

Thirstday was fun this week, as it was Jug-in-Hand again at the corner which meant a whole slew of folks from Ghaidlig class were there as well. I drove Bill and Padraig home after, and had quite a lovely chat with Pat. He's so in love with Katelyn it's adorable. And causes intense envy. Not of Pat himself, but of his situation. He's so sure of where he wants to be down the road, and he views it as just a matter of time before they get there. And that's a nice thing to see. Honestly? It gives one hope. And pause. Because if it hasn't happened yet? Yikes. I don't know WHAT is going to happen with my own life! *grin*

My friends who were supposed to be coming with me to Stanfest bailed, which made me momentarily sad and angry. But then Thursday I was talking to Angela and she was having a very sad day. She got blindsidingly (yes, I made that word up) dumped and was not looking forward to the next few weekends. So I told her to come to Stanfest with me! And she's going to. She's fun (when she's not whining), and she will make sure that I'm out meeting new folks as well. All in all? A good plan.

Tonight is Tamara's stagette. She got engaged last month, and will be getting married some time in the next couple of weeks. The exact date is a secret, apparently. Either way, I have to go downtown tonight and wear a cowboy hat. Gooooood times. (NOTSOMUCH) But I will. Because I'm a good sport. And it's Tamara. And she'd do it for me. Not that I'd ask her to. I'd be more likely to opt for Mickey Mouse ears, but there's no accounting for a lack of taste! Angela's going to meet me here at the store, and come with. Caroline's supposed to hook up with us here too so at least there will be a couple of us heading in at once. Then perhaps I won't have to wear the cowboy hat. That would be pretty slick. But we shall see what transpires.

My boss has a crush on me, and I'm trying desperately to both discourage it, and pretend I don't know. Because he's one of those people that feels it necessary to put words to everything. And sometimes? Sometimes crushes are better not spoken out loud. Particularly when I've been glaringly discouraging about that sort of thing. Sometimes? And in some situations? It's good to talk about stuff. But sometimes? It's better to just shut the hell up.

Why, oh why, do I keep having people I'm desperately UNINTERESTED in crush on me when the boy that *I* am crushing on wants nothing to do with me? Oh well. I'll get past that in time. It's actually getting much better every day. Except for the ridiculous jealousy I have now and again that part's niggling away at me a little, and I'm not really so sure about why. But it is. And I'm working on it.

We're having a big visit at work this coming week. We had the Prince Regent come to visit last week, and we did very well but now the monarch of our company is coming himself on Wednesday to see his money in action. I can't blame him in the slightest, I'd want to see my investments on the hoof, and make sure that the people I've entrusted with their care are doing their best. But it makes for a heck of a lot of stress and extra work here in hardware-land.

***

I just read back, and it seems that a lot of things are ending just now. Which *IS* sad, but I'm not nearly so gloomy-gus about it as it might appear. When things end it's an opportunity for new things to startand I could use some new things.

I am looking forward to Stanfest this weekend coming, which along with my VACATION will give me the 10 days following the royal visit to chill out and get caught up on a whole lot of personal paperwork and stuff. It will also allow me to go through another few boxes of belongings and purge and donate a ton of excess stuff that I just don't need to own anymore.

I had put up a few posters at the Mount campus looking for a roomie, but I think that the timing is a bit off. I'm considerably more expensive than a summer sub-let, but sooooo cheap compared to renting an apartment in September. The problem is that I need a roomie NOW if I'm going to afford any kind of a social life this summer. And I WANT a social-life. My pretend-boyfriend (tee-hee!) suggested the Cabot Trail some time this summer, and if neither of us finds a for-real replacement, I hope to take him up on it. I haven't ever really BEEN to CapeBreton in the almost 10 years that I've lived on this coast and I'd absolutely love to. But I needs some fund with which to do it.

The Tragically Hip are coming to town in September, which is not remarkable, in and of itself. However, the band that is opening for them is amazing. I got, from my incredibly generous and musically gifted brother-in-law, for Christmas a *fantastic* 2 disc live album of The Sadies. And they are opening the show here in the 'fax. And honestly? If you can go? It'll be worth the price of admission. (A VERY steep $63 and change + fees and taxes!)

Anyway...off to the races--maybe I'll post again when I get back. :) Happy Saturday night, ladies and gents!

Monday, June 18, 2007

quick update

Saturday night, I went out with a few of the guys from the store. This is not my usual crowd of people I socialize with. Nice guys, but people outside my usual circle (mostly).

So...the synopsis? I wasn't drinking, they were trashed. FUNNY. Had a great time. Except...

I received no less than 6 unwanted cell phone calls between 11:30 pm and 2 am. I ignored them. This is the same person that both texted me and called me the night I was out with Joanna and Billy. I ignored those calls too.

I received crazy attention from one of the lads I was out with. I was invited out, because it was his birthday celebration. He just turned 23 last week. Yeah. I'm 36. Flattering? Yes. The boy is hotter than a $2 pistol. Lovely to look at. But he's TWENTY-THREE. It actually got to be quite annoying--because I didn't want to be mean to him, just firmly discouraging. So I was.

Yeah...good times. I was then late for work on Sunday. Which is not good, considering I'm the one that had the keys. Nothing like the crazy anxiety of being late for work anyway...but knowing that there's 30 people standing on the sidewalk waiting for you to show up? Yeah. Quite the intense way to wake up. :)

This week is sailing, and I'm VERY excited about it.

I'm home on my lunch break, so I won't get too fancy or involved. Have a happy day, and I'll post tonight. :)

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

VERY personal finance.

**Edit: This is NOT a complaint or a whingeing post--it's merely a State of the Union address. I appreciate the kind thoughts, but don't cry for me, Argentina! I'm doing just fine! :) **

I used to hate the Dashboard. But I've come to understand that I need the Dashboard.

I also need to write some shit down and sort out my head. Boy oh boy, do I need to sort out my head.

I've started no less than a billion posts in my head this week, and none of them have made the transition to text. So much of my life is carried out in text, that it seems odd for me to not be able to make the translation of my thoughts easily and quickly. But I can't.

I am stepping away from my Bloglines for a bit. I can't promise myself a complete break from it, as, quite frankly, you folks are all far too interesting. But I have over 200 blogs on my daily reads list, and I'm wasting too much of my life reading about other people having one.

I am in need of a serious mental purge. Emotional, psychological, and even physical. Not necessarily in that order.

I've been living too much inside my own head. Which is the whole reason I started this blog in the first place, to let some of the jetsam out.

I find though, that the blog is now something that binds my thoughts, and hinders my clarity. The more people I meet and know through the blog, the less free I feel I can be. Not that any of my blog-meets have put that pressure onto me, I've done it myself. And to be honest, it's likely not even the semi-anonymous blog-friends that hinder me. It's the people that I know in real life...and the expectations that I believe they may have for me, and my thoughts, and my actions.

Don't we all do that, really? We live each day in a way we think others expect us to. We claim that we don't give a rat's ass what people think about us, yet we refrain from cursing in public, we wear the right clothes, we don't offer up unsolicited opinions and advice (to their face, anyway). And yet, we judge. We judge the way people dress, the way people act, how well they tip, the length of their hair, the manner of their speech. We judge their shoes, their teeth, their intelligence. We judge EVERYTHING. Except that we don't. We judge what people allow us to see. We judge our perception of their self.

Yes...it's a circular phenomenon. We are all so busy judging each other, and worrying about what to present to other people for their judgement, that we forget what we have going on inside us in the first place.

This isn't a 24-7 process. I mean, we're doing it, but for the most part we're doing it without thinking. It's like breathing, really.

So I've made a decision today..I've made lots of decisions today. I can't take back my outside...but I can take back my blog.

This blog was called Cleaning House because that's what I intended to do. I've taken steps to do it, but I'm no where near close to done. I started the blog intending to do a clean sweep of all my cobwebs and all my dark, secret corners. I don't know if I'm prepared to go that far just yet, but we shall see.

One of the things I wanted to clean out, was my financial house. I needed to get that fucker in order.

I've been reading a lot of personal finance blogs lately. I go through phases with this, actually. I've come a long way, out from under a huge burden of personal debt. I've still got a long way to go, but I feel much better about it. Most times. Every once in a while though, when I feel that my pennies are too tight, and that my life is quite dull, I get into a financial funk. I'm there now. And when I get there, that's when I delve into the world of Personal Finance (PF) blogs.

There's a ton of them out there, but the ones I prefer are the anecdotal ones. Sure, I love getting advice on how to diversify my RRSP and my mutual fund portfolio...but my REAL issues is that I have no cash. So while I muddle along trying to figure out how to pay my power bill this month, I am quite content to let the professionals manage my mutual funds and plan out my retirement savings for me.

I love the stories of how people got out of debt. I love reading how they got into it, and I love reading about their struggles to get out of it. It gives me hope to see people who are way in over their heads just take the bull by the horns, dig in their heels, and drive down their debt load.

It gives me hope.

People are far more willing to talk about sex in public than they are about money. I'm certainly no exception. I'll talk abstractly about sex with pretty much anyone...and the more bizarre and deviant the behaviour? The more fascinating I find it. Not necessarily willing to participate, but I'm less likely to judge you for your shoe-fetish than I am to judge you for wearing white socks with black pants.

I am going to let things all hang out, and share my current position with you.

**This is in lieu of the post about my current personal emotional state(awful, thanks for asking)--because, much as talking about money is taboo, talking about my 'feeeeelings' makes me want to hurl from embarassment and abject terror.**

My car loan is in good shape: $8233.43. They keep taking out my payments at random, and not on the timely basis that they are supposed to, but it's consistently random, and I've called the bank a few times about it--so I guess it's fine.

My LOC (student loans/rest of the car/other) is the only balance that I'm not 100% sure of right now. It is in my parents' name, and the bill goes to them. I just pay it every two weeks and count that the balance is going down nicely. It is quite likely far less (like $3000 less), but I assume that it's around $13,000.00 and it gives me even more incentive to drop it like it's hot.

My Visa is currently sitting at $6600. Yes, gasp away..it's ridiculous. Consumer debt is craaazeee...and I'm the mayor of CrazyTown. The rate is high, too, at 19.5%. I'm driving the pennies to it as fast as I can. Well, not quite, actually. Because of this one...

My MC, which is currently closed but still carries a balance, has a rate of 23.5%. Yeah, almost as bad as a store card. It's NUTS. And it's got a balance of $1200. Long story about this, for another time. But be pleased that I've closed it, and move on for now.

I also have a personal debt of $4000 that I want to pay off as quickly as possible. This loan has no timeline, and no interest rate, so it has moved to the bottom of the priority list. This is not good, as it's the one that bothers me most to owe. Anyway.

So there you have it, boys and girls...my financial snapshot. If you add up all the damage, it's about $7800 in high interest credit card debt and $21,000 in personal loans. I have no mortgage, so that's something, at least.

I drive over $600 a month to debt servicing. A lot of this goes to principal, as I pay bi-weekly. This will, in the long term, reduce my interest paid dramatically. However, I will be paying on this debt for a LONG time to come.

My original debt load when I left university was over $45,000. That was nothing but tuition, books, living expenses and credit card debt. One day I'll tell you the story of climbing out from under that mountain.

Today, my total debt snapshot is just less than $29,500. This includes almost $14,000 in car debt. But my credit card debt is a scary, scary burden. I'm working at digging my way out.

This is why I'm constantly poor. I pay too much rent. I can TECHNICALLY afford it, but if I had a roomie, I could afford both to have a life, and to toss another $250 a month to servicing my debt and be out from under it that much sooner. Domenic did one thing for me by being here, he allowed me to live a really fun life last summer while still pounding down the bills. It would have been so much easier though, if he'd just paid his damned rent on time!

Which brings me to this week...I've started actively looking for a new roomie. I have issues with this, as it's going to have to be a total stranger. All the people I meet at work, are people that I could not live with. It would not be politically kosher. And everyone else that I know? Paired up or own homes of their own.

I even went so far as to ask Bill if he wanted to take the other room. It would be better for him for any number of reasons, and theoretically we should be able to do that *twitch*. We have (theoretically) gotten the dating issues out of our respective systems (another loooooooong post about that coming up some day soon, I'm thinking *twitch*) and I need the cash.

But who knows. It was a stupid thing. I did give it a ton of thought, and it would be a rockin' good time to live with someone that I actually enjoy again. That hasn't happened since I lived with Heather...and I really miss that. (Technically Luke, but that was only 6 weeks, and I think that the fun was negated over the long term by his becoming an unmitigated bastard...but we had a GREAT 6 weeks in the apartment before all that crap took place so...you decide!)

Anyway...I'm working on another, very different post in the other window...and you may get it tonight or not. But at least you have a glimpse of some of what's been on my mind lately. The rest is all emotional *twitch* and gut-kickingly personal *TWITCH* and I just don't want to deal with it at the moment...so we'll see what you get to read and what you don't.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Tonight--

Friday, June 08, 2007

Remote posting

Umm….thought I sent this to the correct remote address. Apparently I did not. Put it in the queue behind the two that follow this one…the ones that I wrote in the middle of the night. BLARGH! : )

** I started this post on Monday – it’s now Thirstday. I’m pokey, what can I say? Sorry it’s so longwinded, but what else do you expect from me? It’s who I am. Enjoy! **

I have had a whirlwind couple of weeks, which culminated in this past weekend.

I had a three day weekend this weekend, and I have to say it was one of the best weekends I’ve had in ages.

My weekend started on Thirstday, which was unremarkable, really, except that Bill drove. Which is the second time in 3 weeks. Which, for the record, rocks the Casbah. I’m not used to being picked up and delivered, but I’m telling you—I could GET used to it.

I decided that I no longer have any tolerance whatsoever for Terry, and should he speak to me this week I intend to tell him to go away and leave me alone. FOREVER. He thinks he’s being witty, but in fact he’s just being offensively annoying. I haven’t the patience for it any longer. I’ve been pleasant. I’ve been tolerant. I haven’t even been mean. But I’m about to start.

Friday I was invited out with Steven and Chris (Chris was in town for the weekend) but I declined. They were heading to Chris’ sister’s place…which would have been fine, if it had been Chris issuing the invitation. But it was Steve. And I don’t go places I’m not expressly invited. Also, I’m still on the ‘cutting back on time with Steve’ program, so ‘No thanks’ was the right way to go.

I was home, and trying to decide what I was going to do. So I went to the gym. I hadn’t been in AAAAAGES and really needed to. While there, I got a text from Billy inviting me out to hang with him and Damian while they played guitars. This actually sounded like fun, even though the invite was a bit of a surprise. So once I got home, I called him back and said ‘sure’. He said that they were about to leave Damian’s because D’s GF had exams on Monday and wanted quiet…so they were heading to Bedford to either Finbar’s or the Roadhouse. I figured it would be more fun with them within stumbling distance of my place than driving into town to hang out at the Triangle by myself, so I again said ‘sure’.

It was actually quite fun. We went to Finbar’s. I thought D’s GF was coming with, but it ended up just being the three of us. After the pub, I got dropped home. I realized as soon as I walked in that I should have invited them in for food. So I texted that I had both food and beer. They turned around. We had a lovely evening. D was MUCH more pleasant this time…right up until the end when his beer caught up with his mouth. Then he was pretty rude. He kept making comments about me and Billy. They then went home. Proper thing.

Saturday Billy fixed the brakes on my car. We also replaced several extinguished light-bulbs, and he bolted my bumper back onto my car. Doesn’t sound like much when it’s just two sentences on a piece of paper, but it reduced my stress level by miraculous amounts. I can now schedule my annual auto inspection and have no real fear that I won’t pass. He doesn’t seem to think it’s that big a deal, the helping with car repair stuff. But to me--to me it’s HUGE. I can’t afford to have it done in a shop, and I don’t know how to fix brakes on my own. I knew what needed to be done about my bumper, but was completely unable to do it myself given the space and tools available to me. I am perfectly capable of changing light-bulbs, even though the headlight required the complete removal of the BATTERY, but I had not done it for the last 4 months that they were burnt out!

The weather this weekend was SPECTACULAR. It was finally the taste of Summer that we’ve been waiting for, and I was so fortunate to have it as my weekend off.

Joanna and I had planned a patio afternoon at the Split Crow, but the car repair went on a little longer than I had hoped. I invited Billy to join us, should the mood strike, and headed for home to get cleaned up. I didn’t get to do a whole lot of car stuff, but I did enough to get a great bit of sunburn (yeah, I’m one of those. Melanomas be damned!) and a good bit of dirty. I was downtown by 6 and working hard at getting caught up.

Good times ensued. Oh my, did they ensue.

I met Jo and a friend of hers at a table filled with boys. This is pretty much the norm for my downtown outings. Because if the table wasn’t full of boys before I got there, we would certainly fill it up shortly thereafter. Boys are, for the most part, much fun.

We sat and drank and chatted with a herd of boys from Sackville…one was hitched, one was engaged, and the other poor fellow was single. All were a riot. We were then set upon by a herd of Argentine sailors. They were not so pleasant. They were gropey and icky; as foreign non-English speaking sailors generally are.

I got a text at quarter past 8 saying B was heading over to meet up with us if we were still there. I messaged back that should he be coming along, he should bring me a sweater. He did. (I found out later that he’d been at the bridge when he got my message, and had turned around to go home and fetch it. What a kind person! I’d have told me to freeze.)

Anyway…Jo and I were trashed. Good times. Everybody else bailed, and the three of us headed to the Triangle to listen to the music. But we ended up sitting in the Snug…which is lovely, and quite pleasant now that it’s smoke-free. B wasn’t beveraging, and drove both Jo and I home. AWESOME Saturday night.

And the even bester part of my weekend? Sunday.

I got picked up at home and driven downtown to my car. (!!!!!! WTF?!!!!) This saved me at least an hour on the bus. And was awesome. Then? I went from my car to the park to walk and read my book. I laid out on the grass for about an hour reading, then I wandered off into the woods to see what I could adventure. I found an amazing little clearing where I sat on a rock and read for another 40 minutes or so. I heard a noise rustling, and assumed it was a dog. I didn’t look up but said, “Hey puppy…” Silence. So I then looked up to see what kind of dog it was, and was no more than 10 feet away from a doe. She looked at me, I looked at her. Then she high-tailed it out of there. It was AWESOME.

I then drove out to Windsor to visit Lynn. We walked downtown to get ice cream (Huge cone, and CHEAP like dirt). Then we went to the Spitfire to drink beer and eat fries for a couple of hours. What a lovely way to spend an afternoon!

So I had a fantastic weekend.

Monday sucked coming back to work, but was not a bad day overall.

Tuesday was Gaelic, which was great. We had new people sitting in on class, so we did a lot of very basic reviewing, but it was good for the practice. It’s funny how you get used to a certain group though, and how new people can really throw off the dynamic.

Yesterday was my day off….and I nearly killed myself at the gym. I felt fantastic doing it though. I fell off the gym-wagon lately, and I have really been noticing it. Instead of hitting my goal of ‘revealable’ abs by my birthday, I think I am now worse off than ever I was before. My mid-section is beyond the point of non-revelation, and into full-on concealment. Good thing nobody’s been looking at my naked self lately except my naked self.

I went to Steven’s for a BBQ last night. I had picked him up at the airport last month at midnight, so he’d promised me dinner. Well…dinner it was! BBQ’d pork chops, baked potatoes, sautéed asparagus spears, salad and beer. Such a great dinner! It reminded me that I really need to save up and get myself another BBQ soon. I haven’t had one since the movers left mine in Yarmouth, two moves ago. I had forgotten how amazing BBQ is, but that is no longer the case, and must soon be remedied.

Tonight is Thirstday…and one of the head Gaelic people in town is performing with his band, so I think we’re going to have company tonight. There was an invitation e-mail sent out to the local Gaelic community to see who would go out to support them. Should be a good time, if I can ever get out of the store in time.

So now you’re up to date…Don’t you feel enlightened? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

I’m assuming that you’re seeing the same trend in my social life that I am…and other than my liver needing a bit of a break, I also need to be seeking out some new companions. I’ve been really enjoying the company, but I also see the need for friends other than the one with whom I’ve been spending all my spare time. This is a post entirely unto itself, and I’ll give it one some day soon. Likely Friday night, as I shouldn’t be going anywhere. I might be going somewhere, but I shouldn’t, as I work on Saturday at 6:00 am. I’m such a glutton for punishment. In soooo many ways.

Anyway…it’s quarter to 9 and I’ve got locking up to do before I head over to the Dark Side. Happy Thirstday!