After becoming known as the director of classics like The Professional and The 5th Element, Luc Besson has had a sort of second life as the producer of… about a million different things. Now Besson’s back in the director’s chair for The Family, starring Robert DeNiro, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Tommy Lee Jones, a film about Robert Deniro’s family of ex-gangsters in the witness protection program who move to France, but can’t stop doing crime. Because you can take the Brooklyn out of Brooklyn, but you can’t Brooklyn something something. Like everything Besson does these days, it looks like a schlocky genre picture with a tone that seems to fall just short of tongue in cheek. It basically looks like Analyze This meets Mr. and Mrs. Smith Have Kids. (Luc Besson really can’t get enough little girls beating people up). Sadly, I don’t think this one’s going to improve anyone’s opinion of Deniro’s recent output. I haven’t seen anyone crap on their own legacy so thoroughly since OJ.

1. This looks at least mildly entertaining, in a Mr. & Mrs. Smith kid of way. Not high art, but not Grown Ups or anything involving Kevin James, Melissa McCarthy or Adam Sandler either. It’s all about perspective. This isn’t Deniro’s worst movie. There’s no Focker in the title.

2. Calling this “too tongue in cheek” and then lauding The Fifth Element as a “classic” is mind bottlingly stupid. C’mon. Chris Tucker? Ian Holm? If It weren’t for Gary Oldman, The Fifth Element is essentially Star Wars Episode 1: The Insipid Die Harder with a Dumb Plot and poor special effects.

I said “just short of tongue in cheek,” which is just about the opposite of “too tongue in cheek.” The tongue in cheek elements are why I *like* the Fifth Element, and the fact that this doesn’t look like it can decide whether it wants to be tongue in cheek or not is why I think it looks kind of boring.

The Fifth Element is fucking awesome. I don’t hold it up as the greatest thing ever put to film or anything, but if you want to shit all over it I WILL FIGHT YOU.

Also, did you just deride The Fight Element while using a reference (‘mind-bottling’) from Blades of Glory?! Really? That’s either brave. Or stupid. Or brave in a really, really stupid way. Because Blades of Glory sucked all of the sweaty anus. All of it.