This blog is not necessarily about having a bad day, or about Crohn's...so in hindsight, the title may be slightly misleading.
Sarcastic ramblings from an "attorney" with self-diagnosed Tourette’s Syndrome. I in no way warrant or represent that these words or drawings will entertain you, make you think, or change your life. The possibility of mild seizures, decreased brain activity, and eye-rolling may occur.

Friday, September 30, 2011

I maybe should have posted this earlier to wane some of the concern from my multitude of followers (hi you 10!-oooh eleven, looks like somebody just hit the big time!). Luckily no one put out a missing person on me and the world seems to have kept on turning. I appreciate you being strong during your time of possible grieving.

I know some of my dear friends were concerned for my life following my last post. Some people may say my post about the Tough Mudder was a bit dramatic. Those same people may also say I'm dramatic about other things in my life. And to those people...I would say you're absolutely 100% correct. I say drama is funny and it lets me vent. Plus if I don't die, you also get the enjoyment of watching me freak out. It's a win-win. On the other hand, if I do die, at least I went out with a bang! (And I gave you a heads up).

On a side note, I didn't die in Tough Mudder. In fact, I had a pretty good time and some might say...I dominated it. And by dominating, I mean finishing. I was a bit taken aback when I saw my pictures from Tough Mudder and I realized I was smiling in all of them. I was seriously unaware my face was doing that and it makes me question....everything.

Here is some proof. 'Cause you know I don't lie.

This was me getting out of a freezing cold carcinogenic ice bath. It was blue.

10,000 volts of electricity were in some of the wires; I was shocked. What is wrong with me? Masochist? Probably.

I am doing a 10-mile run that thousands of other people are doing and aren't complaining about? That would be correct.

I'm flying on a plane for a 2 hour flight which an average of TWO MILLION people do DAILY seemingly without handing out living wills to everyone they meet and I'm writing my gravestone? Correct.

This is how my week before a trip looks:Monday: Lunch with friend-let them know they can have my tv and tv stand if I die. Friend says tv and tv stand suck. I say I hate you and you're no longer invited to my funeral (side note: tv and tv stand are in fact crap).Tuesday: Do laundry and attempt to frantically clean because when my parents and the local TV crew come to collect my stuff, I don't want all my embarrassing stuff out.Wednesday: Send out emails to everyone telling them how much they have meant to me and how much I love them. Drink many glasses of wine.Thursday: Attempt to drink myself into oblivion so that I won't be conscious (or at least be hungover) when the time comes. "Oh thank God I'm plummeting to my death, finally this headache will end."Friday: Frantically tweet, facebook update, and document the remaining moments of my life. In case I die, I want my last words on earth to be: "Look at me holding this lobster pen!" In your face Caesar.

...2 hour flight later we land safely. What? I wasn't even worried. *Rescind emotional emails.*

I am impressed with people who can do what I would call "normal/everyday" things and not act like the world is going to end. One, it's probably less burdensome to those around them, and two, they probably have lower blood pressure.

Here is an allegedly true story from my recent flight home (I was technicaly there but don't remember it so I can neither confirm nor deny these clearly fabricated facts).

I may have had a "mixed cocktail" to help ease the anxiety. Side note: there are a lot of slang words for cocaine. I mean a lot. I was trying to find the word that means you mix alcohol and prescription drugs, Recipe? I did have a legit prescription. Oh this is getting bad. Don't try this at home kids. I'm probably getting on a lot of federal governments lists due to my research for this post. But I know how my readers rely on my due diligence.

Back to the plane ride. If you've seen Bridesmaids when Kristin Wiig gets a little loosey on the plane, I guess I was like that. Apparently I was being too "loud and obnoxious" for my travel buddy. Let's give me a generic everyday alias like "Bob". Are you going to tell me trying to clamp someone's nipples with a lobster pen is obnoxious? I don't think so. That's pure comedy.

So if you know me at all, when someone tells me to quiet down...I do exactly the opposite. So I allegedly got louder and then noticed the man across the seat looking at us. In order to ease the tension of this volatile situation, I alllegedly told this gentleman that everything is okay, Bob is just on his period. Then I passed out.

Who is the fun one to fly with? It's me! It's me!

So in conclusion, yes, I can be dramatic. I can also be shy and very quiet. But I really enjoy letting the dramatic part out sometimes, and it's actually much easier in print than in person. LOOK! I'M WRITING IN ALL CAPS AND USING EXCLAMATION MARKS! Okay, sorry, that's really annoying. If you write in all caps.......stop it. STOP IT NOW!

I lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, I can be dramatic. I wanted to be an actress when I was a kid but my mom told me that all actresses were whores. It turns out she's right, but then again I know a lot of whores who aren't doing what they love and getting paid boat loads of money for it, so pros and cons I guess.

For now, I'll just stick to dramatic blogging and wait to see what the future will bring.