Throwing Stones

Throwing Stones

Not too many people know this about me, but the name Sierra Sugar was originally used for my writing because I wrote in fictional stories. There were tales humorizing things from gaming to life. I expressed myself in stories and poetry freely under a pen name so those that knew me, and therefore had the potential to judge me, could not judge. I was free to say what I wanted without fear of repercussion in the form of disappointment. I had only to please myself. And it was fun.

Time went on, and as we as humans are wont to do with the things we create, I began to share. It was nice to be appreciated, understood. So I shared more. This cycle continued, and naturally over time those people began to know me. Not just as someone who writes, but as a person; as a person with insecurities, flaws, and fears.

My writing went from being an escape from those who knew me simply to please myself, to trying to please others and avoid that fear of disappointment. Not my disappointment mind you, but their disappointment in me. I began writing to prove something, that perhaps I was someone worth knowing, or someone worth liking.

Funny how we do that to ourselves, place so much value outside of ourselves. Somehow, along the way I forgot how to write for me. I began to over think, over plan, and underachieve in any true sense of self appreciation. My writing went from a celebration of life to a chore. What happened to my joyful escape?

I recently took a little time to read over past stories. I spent a bit of time not thinking, but instead letting my mind wander down whatever rabbit hole it stumbled into. I sat and wondered in sheer dumbfoundedness how I let my fears take over. How I allowed those fears to turn something I once enjoyed creating into something that felt more like a job interview. Where did all the rum go? FUN! I mean fun. Where did all my fun go?

Where'd all the rum go?

I built up this glass house all around me, so instead of being free to explore life I was trapped by walls only able to gaze at it from a distance. I did this. And in all honesty, I will probably do it again, because that's apparently what I do.

But for now I've decided to throw a big, giant rock at those glass walls. It's time to shatter those perceptions. Time to break free of self imposed expectations. It's time to just be me instead of trying to be what I think others expect me to be.