The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world

(no subject)

June 25th, 2002

This makes two days in a row. This could become a record streak of journal entries for me. Oh well. I am still in doubt about the direction of my spouse. She’s been dipping into that distracted, self-destructive pattern again where she stays up very late and neglects herself. Of course, this sets her up. She starts feeling depressed and sorry for herself and then she goes out and indulges her "itch" as she calls it — feeling justified in whatever "fooling around" she can get away with because I am such an evil person who oppresses her and harshes her buzz. She’s started hanging out online and developing "attachments" to various male persons who share her outlook and interests. Gah! I have seen alcoholics, and the pattern with her is exactly the same, and she thinks I am spineless because I won't fuck around on her. I have to laugh, except that it’s just too weird and disheartening to be any kind of funny. I can’t help either. I just make things worse. That’s disheartening as well.

I finally got curious about things. She does not tell me anything, not ever. I looked her up on this online weblog journal that she keeps. It confirmed my suspicions. She’s teetering around again. Some bozo has "invited her to move in." As I said before, where does she find these idiots that will fall all over themselves over a woman they may have only met in the flesh once, if ever? I guess she’s just felt tempted, but at least she’s not gone far enough in her dissatisfaction to consider seriously that she is head over heels...again. Maybe she’s not really feeling all that dissatisfied with me, despite what she says in that online journal. Maybe she’s just projecting her frustrations in working with a woman whose style she doesn’t understand. The camp director is driving her nutz and she's really getting crazy about it.

Tonight when she came home, she actually sought me out. I was pleasantly surprised after what I had observed and learned. She actually sat down and talked with me for a while. This could be a sign that whatever crisis she was going through, complicated by her hectic Girl Scout Day Camp preparation duties, is finally over, now that Day Camp is in progress and is going off smoothly after this first day. She appears happy and pleased with herself. This is good. I don’t know if our relationship will ever bloom again, but things aren’t nearly so bad when she’s not stressed over something. She gets so damned driven, about things over which she has no control too. Hmm, I should talk.