If Mason Disick has taught us anything, it’s that toddlers are super effing hot. Hello Kitty, knee-highs, baby tees, ring pops, those stupid stuffed animal backpacks; I literally just came up with the word “infanstyle,” so you can compliment me on it in the comments, and hashtag it or whatever. Point is: looking like a small child has never been cooler or sexier, so get with it.

The last time I wore pigtails was in July, to a birthday party. It was one of those extremely common five-year-olds-on-acid-themed parties, and, yeah, I dug it. Stylish babes love looking like children and dudes love babes that love looking like children. Suffice to say, I got lots of grease-daddy attention that night.

It was that evening, sandwiched between a transformer and some chick that was too cool to dress to the theme, that I realized that there’s a pigtail scale, from more subtle Pocahontas plaits, to “Baby One More Time.” Actually, all the other chicks were too cool to dress to the theme--infanstyle had only just trickled down to Austin. Regardless, my Sailor Moons were tipping the scale toward the absurd.

There’s a universal truth: the higher the pigtails, the freakier the chick. They’re basically a subtler version of those tacky sex bracelets, for adults... duh. You know Longstocking is into some weird stuff.

So, wearing pigtails without flying your freak flag: can it be done? “Yassss,” as Tynan would say. But really, no. You’re gonna look a little freaky--let’s say “cheeky”--with pigtails. But as we found that out when we got dressed up for Barn Dance in eighth grade, pigtails = boners.

That said, I’d like to announce an exciting time here at xoVain. Coming at you over the course of FIVE FREAKING DAYS are my favorite pigtail looks guaranteed to pitch some tents.

We’ll start with a classic: The Lazy Cowgirl. The look says, “I’m hot, young, and don’t need to look particularly well-groomed today; I eat steak with vegan sides; I love porches, Free People, bottled beer, and the taste of Marlboro Reds on the tongue of some dude with a beard; and I probably just got done rollin’ around in the hay.” But without all the hay.

Loose, simple braids that fall right behind the ears are nothing new, so I decided to make the look more interesting by sprinkling on a bit more IDGAF (which actually takes a bit more effort, but WHATEVER). Before weaving the two braids, I left out a small section at the very back on each side to wrap and loop through the finished braids, tying the end into a little knot to secure.

Instead of elastics, because using elastics is G-ing way too much of AF, I hairsprayed the bejeezus out of the ends to keep the braids from unraveling; same for the little knots you looped through with the spare sections. Like most intricate-ish up-dos, this style works best with dirty, grimy hair, which is appropriate, because, if you’re truly a lazy cowgirl, you stopped G-ingAF a while ago.

Now all that’s left is to grab a Lone Star, rolling papers and a dude named Dusty, and start getting lazy on a porch or whatever.

I tried to make an informative tutorial video for you guys. Keyword: tried.