has been

This post has been written whilst I’ve been steaming pissed, so, apologies for spelling, grammatical and moral mistakes. By moral mistakes, I mean the high chance of swear words.

If people want to know and understand the reason for my depression, it is simple. I’m scared.

I’m scared of what this world is becoming, maybe not for me, but for my kids. With everything going on in the world, terrorism, in-school violence and just generally the shitty attitude people adopt to each other makes this world a scary place.

We read constantly about the threat of terrorist attacks, the so called Russian threats etc etc, and I’m sick of it to the point it weighs heavy.

I’ve been fearful of writing this post for sometime and this will also explain the lack of motivation for doing anything.
I’ve said before, that this blog is my psychological outlet, and though it doesn’t get updated much, I vent a lot of frustration, anger and fear through this blog.

With recent attacks in Paris, France and the threats of more to come, it worries me, it worries me to the point that things get neglected.
Currently, I find it difficult to concentrate on most things, and the simplest of “online” tasks become arduous and increasingly frustrating.

Depression is a very difficult thing to talk about, and in my situation, I am trying my best to do what I need to do.

I have neglected friends and family that have helped me, and please understand, if any of my family and/or friends are reading this, it isn’t intentional and I apologize if you feel that I have ‘used’ you. I haven’t. I am battling with depression.

It’s hard to try and think of what to say without facing ridicule and people wishing to take the piss.
I try my hardest to get through each day, and some are easier than others. I wish people could try and understand, but as I have always said, regards depression, no-one feels it more than the person going through it. What one person thinks is ‘ok’, another thinks it is the worst thing ever. You are trapped in your own bubble of sadness, often feeling guilty for feeling emotions such as joy which then brings you back down again.

I can’t even begin to ask people to understand, nor can I write exactly how I feel.
To the people who know me, I thank you for your support, despite my rejections.

I’m sat here at my keyboard, not knowing what to type, and thinking if the stuff that I already have written makes any sense.

I’ll close this post with the explanation that as I have previously said, it’s not a cry for help, I’m not suicidal, I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want anything but to feel ‘normal’, and this is something I need sort on my own. I have a loving family and so far, this is/has been enough to get me through each day as much as I do.

Please don’t treat me any different, please don’t ask me to explain face-to-face and please don’t judge me. My feelings are my own and I don’t expect people to fully understand them, but I ask they respect them no matter how odd or confusing they maybe.

Again, apologies to the grammar/spelling police, and certainly for any profanities.

For the past couple of months, well, about six months to be precise, I have found it increasingly difficult to motivate myself to do anything across the whole of my domain.

Personal healthhas been one of the biggest factors causing this period of inactivity, but amongst that, I am suffering from a kind of depression I find difficult to talk about, as to some it would probably sound silly.
Nevertheless, it is this amongst a few other issues that are causing me to show very little interest at the moment.

So what will happen to RBCJ Hub?
To be honest, I have not yet thought deeply into it much, purely for the same reasons as above.
However, for the meantime, the pages of RBCJHub will remain open and active until such time I am able to give a clear and decisive action.

I hope that for the moment people will at least try and understand without prejudice and continue to visit for whatever reason you choose. As I have done today, I will try at some point(s) to keep you all updated, but for now, thanks for visiting…

Over the lastcouple of months a lot has changed.
Through my own choice, I am now a stay at home dad having quit work to support my wife. As my wife is her fathers full time carer, its made it an extra strain, and so with that followed my resignation.
Sad to leave, but family come first.
Of course this also means I will be attempting to update my sites quicker and more often, although, my luck in this areahas been a little less than “nothing”.
However, we shall see over the coming months…

Long time no see…
Well, truth is, I’ve been a little self absorbed.
Ultimately trying to sort my head out.

Those who know me will know that from time to time I go through phases where I pretty much think “Screw it all!”.

Over these last few months, it has been one of those times and even now I’m having trouble focusing on things I really should be.

This blog is the only place where I feel I can speak openly and freely without ridicule or judgment.
At the moment, I’m just concentrating on being me, rather than trying to please people all the time.

I’m not very good and speaking in the fullest abouts my feelings etc, but a little part of my emotions comes out one in a while in posts etc.
Nobody likes to read the rantings of a moaner I guess, and thats probably why everyone tends to see me as “fun loving” Roy which sometimes is a strain in itself.

Anywhoo, this is the way I deal with things, so thats that off my chest 🙂

Not only, generally speaking, have I not been to my own bed because of this f**king cough, not only the fact I’ve been messed around from pillar to post by DWP idiots, not only this, but I find that my bank are absolute arseholes.

An account of mine is in the red, I’ll admit, it was my fault. Anyway, after ringing them promptly, answering all their questions like incoming vs outgoing etc, I set up a payment which so far I have adhered to.
Today I find out, that my safety net accounthas been wiped out to pay for the account in red. Basically going against the agreement that I have kept to.

I hate banks, I hate them with a vengeance.

But on top of all this crap, I have a splitting headache and can’t sleep. I’m so pissed off its untrue, I’m sick of all the bullshit from companies or government departments, that just spin line after line of falsities!
Why is this world full of shitters and spitters that basically ruin peoples lives?
I’m sick of all the people who tread on other people for a bit of profit, treating people as an actual human being is the furthest thing to these morons.

I’m on my soapbox because I’m fed up of constant shit brought about by people trying to make things difficult.
I’ve got a lot on at the moment and can really do without all the stress.
Perhaps I really need to see the doctor, and see if I can get any medication, ideally not amitriptyline!

Well, “main backup” has been recovered to an alternate drive.
The curious thing was, apparently the drive had a corrupt filesystem ultimately leading to drive being reported as “RAW” format, or “limbo” state as I call it.
I was offered some hope recovering the disk using “sudo ntfsfix /dev/sdc” via the terminal in ubuntu (as I have my laptop duel booting).

This didn’t work and ubuntu reported to use chkdsk. I couldn’t use this as Windows could not access the drive in the first place. Back to square one!

I finally resolved the issue using ZAR “Zero Assumption Recovery”
Only issue was the free version only allows 1Gb of file recovery, and thedrive was full at 74Gb (80Gb, but as always filesystem etc etc lowers it)
So, after several hours the drive had been completely scanned, verified & recovered.
Joy!
The drive is now being prepped for scanning and formatting procedures and should be back up and running shortly. Yey!

After all that side tracking, I can get back to the more important things, like the site :0)

ARRRRRGHHHH!!!!
One of my major hard drives has just failed, and to make matters worse, the backup (on a separate drive) is corrupt for some reason!

So there has been little to no work done on the main site.
Not a happy bunny. I’ve tried everything to get the drive back online but with very little joy.
The disk has reportedly got a corrupt filesystem, but doing what I do, and knowing what I know I cannot get the bugger to work. The only option I now have is to image the drive then recover/search for files :0(

I’m not so sure how long I have before the server times out again.
There is an intermittent problem with the Amsterdam server I’m on, and basically any requests keep timing out.
This issuehas been reported and I’m awaiting feedback from my hosting provider.
Unfortunatly there is no resolution time frame.
I only hope that (as I am typing) the server doesnt decide to bottom out.
Again, this is an intermittent fault so you may be able to navigate rbcj-hub.co.uk for a brief time before the site throws you out or times you out.

Portal has totally bottomed out. Server time outissues causing problems accessing the site. Unfortunately, this also happened in the middle of an upgrade. I don’t yet know if I can resolve this issue or even verify the upgrade was successful, until the intermittent server side problems are resolved.
It’s really frustrating as I cannot do anything until morning, so I’m left with a non-function site overnight :0(
A ticket has been raised with provider, I know it’s not anyones fault, but its just so head bangingly frustrating…
Let’s see what tomorrow brings.