You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns when it can manage to in these troubled Trumpian times. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.

September 29th

One of the recurring themes of the 2016 Republican primary field is that some of these people are better or smarter or less horrible or more moderate than the others. But it's simply not true. Carly Fiorina is still defending her Planned Parenthood lies. George Pataki wants Twitter to kick Edward Snowden off its service. Before he quit, Scott Walker was planning to abolish all federal unions. The point is, the moral calculus required to compare these fuckballs is both incredibly complicated and ultimately, a zero-sum game. Further evidence lies below as IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Our message is one of hope and aspiration. It isn't one of division and get in line and we'll take care of you with free stuff." - John Ellis Bush! Bush, one of the so-called reasonable moderates in the race.

Quick question. We all remember that saying that black people vote for Democrats because they love welfare benefits is incredibly fucking racist, right? Right? Because Jeb Bush just went to a town hall in South Carolina town hall and said this really, really incredibly fucking racist thing, and apparently he's getting away with it. So I'm wondering how that's a thing that can happen.

For fuck's sake, even Mitt Romney held off on saying black people love free stuff until AFTER he lost the election. Jeb's pulling it out weeks before his run for president ends for reasons inexplicably unrelated to him going down to South Carolina and being super-racist. It'd be wrong even if black people got more of the free stuff than white people did, but since they don't, it's also butt-ignorant. I'm telling you, they're ALL AWFUL.

"But, right now, when you have something that is against the rights of women, against the rights of gays, subjugates other religions and a host of things that are not compatible with our Constitution, why in fact would you take that chance?" - Ben Carson, accidental self-parody expert.

This quote, which Carson emitted from his stupid, stupid mouth-hole in an attempt to defend his comments that Muslims shouldn't be president, came out against the backdrop of Republicans attacking Planned Parenthood based on a lie, the ongoing saga of Kim Davis, Ben Carson saying Muslims can't follow the Constitution, and the ongoing Republican support for revoking birthright citizenship.

I mean, I didn't even have to try hard to find deliberate, specific, and recent examples of Republicans doing exactly the things Ben Carson thinks we shouldn't take a chance on. It's right there. This guy made a career out of operating on brains. But like the rest of them, he is awful.

"You don't know that. I mean, he asked a question. You don't know that he was a bigot," - Donald Trump, continuing to defy the very concept of reality.

Oh, yes you do. You do know that. Trump was, of course, talking about the crazy bigot he got in trouble for not correcting when the crazy bigot asked a crazy bigot question at one of Trump's campaign events. This, I am contractually obligated to mention, is a crazy bigot so crazy and bigoted, the right-wing pro-Trump movement spent WEEKS trying to track the guy down to prove that he was actually a liberal PRETENDING to be a crazy bigot to embarrass Donald Trump.

But this is Trumpworld, where a man asking a question based on a clearly bigoted premise that he espouses an unqualified belief in is not necessarily a bigot, because nobody can know anything for sure. Because if we knew anything for sure, we could make judgments, and the judgments would be that every last one of these fuckers are awful.