Headspace Special Meditation Session: Your Payment Was Declined

Welcome back to another Headspace session. This is a special session because it is exclusively geared toward you, Stephen Bradley. The name of this lesson is Your Payment Was Declined, Stephen.

As always, make sure to find a comfortable spot in which to do this exercise. A nice chair, or even the floor, if you’d like. If the chair’s very nice, and you could sell it and make some quick cash to pay your outstanding balance, then I suggest the floor, so as not to depreciate the chair’s value. If the floor’s worth more and you know someone who wants to buy a floor, use the chair.

Now, start with your eyes open, your focus soft, and take a few deep breaths. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. You may find it helpful to speak on the exhale, Stephen. You could say something like, “I admit I bought a year’s worth of Headspace and then lied to Visa saying it was a fraudulent charge. Despite that, I still use Headspace every day and have ignored their kind e-mails and calls asking me to fix the situation, forcing them to record this special lesson. I am getting peace of mind without paying $95.04 for it, which is wrong and evil.” It doesn’t have to be exactly that, Stephen. That’s merely a suggestion.

Now let the breath fall back into its natural rhythm as you begin to scan the body. I want you to note any particular feelings, comforts or discomforts, in your body as you mentally focus on each area. Let’s start up top with your ugly, lying head, Stephen. Now we’ll move down to your black heart, full of sludge and ill will. Now let’s venture down to the hips, where you keep a wallet full of money that is rightfully mine. And, finally, let’s drift down to the soles of the feet. Notice how the feet aren’t broken, Stephen. If I don’t get the money by next week, that won’t be the case. Several mobsters love my app and would do anything for a promo code.

With body and breath aligned and you hopefully terrified, it’s time to allow your mind a few moments to do whatever it wishes. If it wants to think, let it think. If it wants to rest, let it rest. What’s important here is not to force anything, Stephen. Forcing things leads to unease. I should know. I was forced to inform my daughter that she couldn’t go to equestrian camp this summer, since I was $95.04 short of the twelve-thousand-dollar tuition. That led to a lot of unease in my house. If your mind wants to feel extreme guilt, let it feel extreme guilt. If your mind wants to think of a way that you, Stephen, might dress up like a horse and appease my daughter, let it think of a way that you might dress up like a horse and appease my daughter.

Now it’s time for a short guided meditation. Stephen, with your eyes closed, I want you to imagine you’re on a pristine white-sand beach. The waves are lapping at the shore. The gulls call to one another softly. Are you there, Stephen? Good. Now imagine leaving that beach and booking it to a fucking bank. Ask for a loan. If you get turned down, imagine holding up the teller and demanding the $95.04. With that money in a bag, imagine driving to Headspace’s offices and paying off your debt.

Have you imagined all that, Stephen? Wonderful. As you bring the mind back into the body, notice some sounds, maybe even strong smells. And whenever you’re ready, in your own time, you can look around, stretch your arms and legs, and go to the fucking A.T.M. and get me my money, Stephen. Or, again, you could always sell your floor. Either is fine.