Forgiving Daddy

Even I am worthy of love.

For a very long time I carried with me feelings of toxic shame and debilitating fear. These feelings had their roots in my relationship with you. The father/daughter relationship that should have been filled with love and trust had been transformed into a nothingness that defied that fact that you were physically present.

At the age of 31, I felt lethargic and lifeless. Although my life with a husband and two healthy children was basically calm, there was a heaviness in my heart that threatened to drown me. This feeling translated itself into intense anxiety and depression. I was barely able to do basic household chores. It took great energy to talk with my children and put on a semblance of normalcy. I didn’t know why I felt so anxious and afraid. Thoughts of ending it all filled my mind. Death seemed to be the only way out of this agony.

Thoughts of ending it all filled my mind. “Rabbi,” I whispered, “I have a family. I can’t give up.”

It was a frigid day in January when I made the tentative phone call to ECHO, the National Jewish Institute for Health. “My life seems to be fine but I have no desire to continue living,” I told the Rabbi. I gave him a brief history of the therapists and medication which had failed to relieve me. Then I whispered, “Rabbi, I have a family. I can’t give up.”

“I’m glad you called,” he said. “I have a wonderful therapist for you.”

One week later, I found myself sitting on a black leather couch with the person who would profoundly impact the rest of my life. Before I entered therapy I decided not to talk about my childhood; I was wary of psychoanalysis and told myself that it was nonsense. Well, I was about to have a major revelation. My therapist, gently reminding me that past therapy had not worked, asked me to be open to revisiting my past. Desperate, I agreed. As the therapy progressed, I came in touch with my inner child, a little girl whose voice had been silenced. But now she began to speak.

I wasn’t worth your time, Daddy. You were too busy gambling our savings away to take notice of me. I thought it must be my fault. I felt that maybe if I was better you would see me. I did everything a little girl could do to get your attention. I drew a pretty picture with you in it. ‘Daddy, look what I have colored!’ I would say. You would mumble something, pat my head and hurry out the door with the money you had taken out of mommy’s purse.

Mommy was busy and distracted. Because of your addiction, she was forced to work full time just to make ends meet. She didn’t want to admit to herself or to anyone else that there was a problem. She blamed your boss, your family, and the economy for your inability to hold down a job. She chose to protect your addiction instead of protecting me. I was left to raise myself.

After school the bus would drop me off at Aunt Myra’s house. She was your great aunt and my great great aunt. She was a cranky old lady who needed a companion and probably needed a home attendant as well. I had to fetch this and that and got a frown rather than a smile for my efforts. I was expected to eat whatever she had left over and like it. I still have a bitter sweet memory of the little, ceramic, doll house furniture sitting on a tray in her living room. There was a tiny bedroom set, a living room set and bathroom – including a tiny sink and bathtub on legs. I was mesmerized by it but knew that I did not dare touch it. My reward if I was ‘well behaved and obedient’ was to sit near it. It was meant to be looked at, not played with. At night you would pick me up and thank her for taking such good care of me. She would ‘lend’ you money which you promised to pay back with dividends when you returned from the bar or casino. But of course you just gambled it away.

You hurried me home and sent me to my room. There was no good night kiss, no bedtime story and no teddy bear to cuddle up with. There were no words and no eye contact.

With the help of my therapist I realized that this deprivation had caused me to feel worthless. Over time, my pain had gone in deeper and deeper. I felt that I didn’t deserve to take up space, to exist. Humans are resilient and I survived, but I did not go unscathed. I continued to carry the shame that a child feels when she knows that her parents treated her only as she deserved to be treated. For parents can do no wrong.

“I give you back your shame! It is not mine! Here, take it!”

But in therapy you were brought into the room and placed on a chair in front of me, and I gave you back your shame. My therapist made me say it out loudly: “I give you back your shame! It is not mine! Here, take it!”

I cried out all the sorrow and released a flood of toxic energy. Slowly, I began to feel lighter. I began to believe that I do have value. I realized that although you never saw me, God did. He held me through it all, ensuring a miraculous survival. He saw to it that I would find an incredible therapist to assist and accompany me on my journey of self-discovery.

It’s time to let go. It’s time to heal. It’s time for my heart to be a little more whole. It’s time for me to experience joy. It’s time for me to dry my tears. It’s time for me to move out of isolation and to choose life.

I no longer feel fragmented and lost. I have a heavenly loving Father and He is providing all my needs. He always saw me; He sees me and will never take His eyes off me.

Even though you’ll never hear these words, I say to you today, Erev Yom Kippur, with a sincere and cleansed heart: I forgive you daddy. I am free of resentment. I understand that something dreadful must have happened in your own childhood that made you sick, but this cycle has been broken. Love has prevailed. Your smiling, happy grandchildren are living proof.

I will never mail this letter to you, because you have demonstrated numerous times that you will never acknowledge or take responsibility for the part you played in my painful childhood. Due to your mental illness, you don’t have the capacity to understand. So although it is addressed to you, I am really writing this letter for the benefit of all those who have never experienced a father’s love. I am here to tell them that I know it hurts. I am here to remind them that our true Father has never abandoned us. He has and will always watch over us. He hurts when we hurt and only permits pain and loss so that we will seek Him. He wants us to ask Him for protection and to know that we have the right to protect ourselves. Most of all, He wants us to understand the vital importance of protecting those around us who need our love and our care, our young, our old and our infirm.

I am also writing this letter to You, my Daddy in Heaven. With a heart full of gratitude, I thank you for bringing me home.

Visitor Comments: 45

It had to be painful to commit these comments to writing. Thanks for sharing them. I suspect they touch a lot of readers. God bless you in your journey.

(33)
Marianne Litte,
September 27, 2012 12:22 PM

I had a good father who was always away at important government work. It was my mother who hated me until her last breath. I was not even told she died until the day I buried my beloved, most cherished daughter. I was raised my loving grandparents for many years and even they or my late husband understood her intense hatred to me. However these past four years have taught me I have a true eternal father who never left me or forsake me. She had to express her hatred for me to Hasheem and I don't need to understand it. He is all I will ever need in this life or eternity. Praises to our true Father for his eternal love, greatness, compassion and goodness that keeps us from asking WHY! Bless you for your letter, Sarah!

(32)
Michael,
September 27, 2012 5:46 AM

Dear Marc,

Marc, I see that you now view your dad as a good person and get along well with him now.
You are holding your days of abuse deep iside you.
You cannot live like that. I would imagine every time you see your Dad, the days of your youth haunt you.
Speak to a close friend who has compassion for others. I cannot say to confront you dad and mom. But talking to a good person of G-d will guide you. Please-Please seek help and take care of yourself Marc.
G-d bless you dear one, May G-d also guide your way.

(31)
Michael,
September 27, 2012 5:28 AM

Good Lord !

This has to be one of the most heartfelt articles AISH every published, and every one of AISH' articles leaves me in total awa. May G-d bless dear-dear Sarah, her Rabbi, and even her very disturbed father.
I am printing this article out and giving it to friends who can relate to Sarah's story. I am overwhelmed as I write.
Sarah, I believe all the fine people that read your article will be saying a special prayer for you. G-d will be sending you more hapiness then you can imagine,
G-d bless you dear Sarah and all the "Great-most loving people at AISH"

(30)
Anonymous,
September 25, 2012 8:20 PM

stay strong and drink a coffee

What got me strong from a similar situation is a verse in tehillim that we say every day twice from elul until hoshana raba. "ki uvi veimi azuvini vahashem yasfeini", because my father and my mother have abandoned me and hashem has collected me. This article came at the right time for me. My sister just made barmitzva and our father did not come. he lives one block away , is baruch hashem not sick but maybe mentally. he is just playing more games thinking we will go on buying and playing it his way. everyone keep strong hashem is always present even if biological fathers are not. sometimes i wonder if orphans are not better off than difficult fathers, but hashem knows what to do, kavey el hashem chazak veametz libecha vekavay el hashem. go get a good coffee! ( in yiddish kave= coffee)

(29)
Anonymous,
September 24, 2012 9:34 PM

I feel the same way!!!

OMG!!! What Hashgachat Pratis that I found this Article. I have suffered a little worse than this case but I have been neglected by my father my whole life. And today I got up for an early appointment with my therapist and I felt life less. I didn't want to draw,read etc I had no energy to learn I felt hopeless. I have been truamatized as a child and I suffered immense Lonelyness and one of the main things that I learned today from my therapsit is a sense of worth. I kept having messages in my head telling I am not deserving of anything good. Weather it's love,religion,judaism,happiness,success,health. I should just be worthless. And this message is one of many traumatic messages I got in Childhood from my Father,Mother and Abusive Brother. I can't believe I survived I had wanted to end my life so many times and I felt life will be over for me soon with an un happy story. I am 19 years old now and 18 years I suffered through a lot. As a result I have feelings of lonelyness,anxiety,stress,eating and sleeping disorders and much more which I plan on keeping private. Only last year did I find a great therapist. 10 years I have went through therapy and all but one helped me. This year I am struggling a lot with my past but I have hope because I have a loving Father who cares for me and wants the best. Whenever I feel lonely I know deep inside there is still a g-d who cares and does care about me. Having G-d in my life gives me worth,value and strength to continue. I pray I truly change,heal and succeed in living a good life I have never had.

What a tragic, textbook classic representation of paternal alienation of an innocent child, and the psychological professionals who perpetrate this sort of division between fathers and children via mock trial in abstentia.
Mail the letter to your father, and reacquaint with him. He is not the monster you were led to believe during adolescent years of matters needing to be black and white. Now you are a mother and adult, and comprehend all is grey.

(27)
lily,
September 24, 2012 3:10 AM

This came at the right time for me. Thank you.

(26)
Naomi,
September 23, 2012 9:46 PM

Well I feel you and u should be grateful like I'm grateful thAt u broke that chain ther is so many like us that didn't have a chance to see light at the end of this tunnel I congratulate u for writin this article it talks to so many of us and gives us inspiration to get the proper help and believe in god.

(25)
Anonymous,
September 23, 2012 8:40 PM

see here too!

http://www.aish.com/sp/so/80054877.html

(24)
Raul Avalos,
September 23, 2012 7:58 PM

Our Heavenly Father changes hearts

Dear Sarah:
This is a touching story of life and hope, thanks for sharing life with us. Hashem will take care of you always, and He will reply your email.

Marco,
September 25, 2012 2:59 PM

Sarah, thank you. Erev Tom Kippur. Barush Hashem.

(23)
Maria Dodoc,
September 23, 2012 4:33 PM

Thanks.

Thank You!

(22)
Reuven Frank,
September 23, 2012 12:59 PM

Powerful!

This is W-A-A-A-Y out of my league to comment on.
It is moving, and powerful, and human, and sad, and beautiful all at the same time.
Thank you for this MAGNIFICENT message on the love our Father in Heaven has for us; especially at this time, when it will be Yom Kippur in a couple of days.
Since I feel that this is so beyond me, I will bring a saying of the Ba'al Shem Tov.
Once, the Besh"t was seen to be crying.
The Hasidim asked him, why?
He said, "I am so sad to be only human and so limited.
I wish that I could only love the greatest Tzadik, as much as HaShem loves the greatest sinner."
Thanks again,
Reuven

(21)
michelle,
September 22, 2012 9:31 PM

thanks

This couldn't have come at a better time for me. Thanks &be blesssed.

(20)
Tzipporah,
September 22, 2012 8:12 PM

Thank you so much for sharing this, i am going through a similar experience and thank you for reminding me to to constantly see Hashem in the picture. May you be zoche to Simchat Hachaim and Menuchat Hanefesh!

(19)
Ilana,
September 21, 2012 8:42 PM

Understanding the parent

I am the commenter who wrote number 7. I know when being ignored, etc, it feels horrible. But what you guys dont seem to do is look at the parent themselves. My father is an increadably loving man. However he does have a tremendous amount of anger in him where he can lash out. But people fail to see the background. My dad was raised in communist europe, dirt poor! and many worse things.
what im trying to say is, look at their view first. then you can forgive and grow to love them for the good that they do

(18)
Ananymous,
September 21, 2012 3:50 PM

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I want to tell you that I have the same problem even though my father was always there and noticed everything I said and did. It's just that everything I did wasn't good enough - I spoke in a voice that was too loud, I walked too slowly, and my grades could have been better, my friends were never good enough. Everything I said and did could have been said and done better. It wasn't until I moved far away that I began to see and realize that I am capable of making good decisions and that my voice is just fine and so is my cooking and may other things he criticized. Whenever anyone praised me I used to think that they are just trying to be nice. But now that he is far away and has no influence on me, I see that people who compliment me are actually sincere and I am finally beginning to believe them and believe in myself.

(17)
Rabbi Kosman,
September 21, 2012 11:53 AM

Forgiving an abuser

Yom Kippur with the emphasis on forgiveness, can sometimes confuse. An Adon Gadol told me, there are crimes that one simply can`t forgive, and the halacha does not demand us to be "angels".
On the other hand there are different levels of forgiveness. The bottem level we can strive for, even towards an abuser, is not to doven that they die.
Gmar Tov!

(16)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2012 6:39 AM

Therapist

Wow, assuming Sarah was in the NY area, anyone know how I could get the name and number of her therapist?

(15)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2012 12:39 AM

Thank You Sarah

Thank you for sharing your story, Sarah. It gives me hope that I can also one day heal from a similar childhood. At 51, I still struggle with feelings of worthlessness because of the way my father treated my mother, my siblings and myself. May God continue to bless and heal you.

(14)
Anonymous,
September 20, 2012 9:07 PM

your emergence from pain is a shining lesson to all

thanx so much for sharing it!

(13)
elana,
September 20, 2012 3:21 PM

from the wife's perspective

Your article made me cry as I am the now ex-wife of a compulsive gambler. I gave 10 years if my life trying to help the person I loved and married; I was not able to; oh he would stop for a while but things always got worse. I finally gave up and got divorced. With three boys, who really don't understand why I did what I did. All they know is that I have to be away and work all the time and no other parent is there for them. Especially a father. Life is full of difficult choices.

(12)
Marc,
September 20, 2012 1:48 PM

clarifying

First off, I would like to thank all who gave their input.
I'd also like to add, that my father often would hug and kiss me after he slapped me up and apologize that he had to resort to tough love. It's that he never apologized to me after my childhood for those years. My brothers got that treatment as well, but I by far got it the worst. My sisters didn't get it at all though, for by them he was satisfied with their report cards alone. Ironically, I have no recollection of ever getting a daled (a D) on any of my report cards. And gimmels (C) were almost never. Plenty of A's and B's that failed to get it's due attention.
Shana Tova.

(11)
Me,
September 20, 2012 11:49 AM

Wow

Such suffering! I feel so bad about these accounts and agree with so many (including original author) that therapy can open a whole new world of acceptance and appreciation for ones self. I read about walking with Hashem etc and am so not there, I must admit. I read it and say to myself "really?" Don't think it has worked for me so much even tho my father had a tremendous amount of bitachon.
Honor yourself. Trust yourself (very hard to do!) and for those childhood stories...you were just kids...didn't even know you could turn to someone for help. My heart goes out to you all. Gmar Chasima Tovah.

(10)
rina,
September 20, 2012 7:24 AM

great article

i really got alot out of your article, you were very honest and brave for sharing all that. one line i didnt understand-"because he has a mental illness he doesnt have the capacity to understand." i take issue with that bec. there are people with mental illness who are doctors, lawyers, physicists, etc. mental illness does not equal low i.q. but in any case, im happy to hear you are doing much better. you should continue to go from strength to strength.

(9)
Anonymous,
September 20, 2012 1:36 AM

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(8)
Anonymous,
September 19, 2012 10:09 PM

CONTINUED HEALING TO YOU.........

Dear Sarah......I know the pain of neglect and abuse of a parent..I know,personally the intensity of the pain you have beautifully described here. It has taken me years and years of committed "lancing-the-boil" to have my Neshama be returned to a place of Shalom and forgiveness. The truth and my family's fear and denial of it created a split that only a miracle can fully heal. The ONLY reason I was able to deal with all of my conflicting thoughts and intense feelings was because of my unwaivering connecion and guidance from our Beloved
Hashem. I was able to let go of the VERY LAST little bit of pain I was holding on to and say with a FULL HEART.."I forgive and let go of this,Mom"..........Four DAYS later I got a call long distance that my mother(my abuser) had died. I was able to attend the funeral, be fully"present" to the event AND to the LOVE and Gratitude I had for her...The ambiguity had healed, and I was left with a heart full of love.....So THANK-YOU,Sarah for sharing your path. Honor yourself--ALL PARTS OF YOURSELF----and most of all, continue to strengthen your beautiful walk with Hashem..He will ALWAYS be there for us. L'SHANA TOVA to you and to everyone!

(7)
Ilana,
September 19, 2012 10:08 PM

To the Author

I am very sorry that you had a negative experience. I wish you much success in healing from your past. I hope you realize that you dont have to be stuck in the past. Many people go through much worse things that you described that you went through. But they enjoy life. its all about how you decide to focus on things.

(6)
Anonymous,
September 19, 2012 6:59 PM

Thanks

Thank you for writing this story.

(5)
hadara,
September 19, 2012 5:51 PM

HaShem is our Father, Avinu Malkeinu

Thank you for sharing this in order to help heal others. You are very courageous for having written this. May HaShem bless you to be the wonderful parent you are always being there for your children. Their having your love and growing up healthy in body, mind, and soul will be the tikkun for what you went through and your greatest compensation. As you wrote so poignantly, we are never alone without a father, as HaShem is always with us and watching over us. My own father passed away suddenly when we were all very young children, however I never felt abandoned, as I felt His presence always with me, guiding my every step in my life.

(4)
Lyone,
September 19, 2012 5:30 PM

Thank you

This was an uplifting article to read. So many of us suffered through different types of abuse in our childhood. It is always helpful to hear/read about a story like yours--one of overcoming and working through the devastating pain.
It is so crucial to recognize that forgiveness is a matter that comes as a result of self-fulfillment. It can never be real if it is imposed as a matter of self-denial.

(3)
Anonymous,
September 19, 2012 5:12 PM

Beatings were my life too..

Not in this exact way as told by Marc, but for other infractions, whether real or imagined. Mental illness is so hard to deal with. Unfortunately, though I did not beat my children, one of them has problems from words I said to her. She would have been difficult to raise, no matter whom raised her, but I did not do well enough. All I can do now is apologize and I have. I do think counseling is important, and if you are young enough your children are at home, do seek it now. While we can break some of the generational curses, others we need help with. I did hunt to find help, but in our town nothing was available to me!! Today if nothing else we have the internet!! Blessings on recovering from your trauma. My dad died a couple years ago and never apologized to me. Mental illness seems to have such outcomes.

(2)
Marc,
September 19, 2012 6:09 AM

Can relate to subject matter

My father is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. He would take his shirt off for a man in need...
But, my father had a habit that did tremendous harm to me. He would test me every Shabbos on my studies of that week and if I didn't meet his standards, he would harshly punish me whch included "petsh" i.e. beatings. He would never be satisfied with my performance. Even though I got an 85 on the gemarah test, somehow his standards were always way higher and if I didn't properly understand what bothered Rashi... Even though I knew it by heart with translation, I got a nice beatdown because my comprehension of that piece of gemara failed to meet his standards.
Because I would be beaten 90% of Shabbossim, I always dreaded shabbos. On Monday I started getting nervous because shabbos was just 5 days away. By Thursday, I was quaking in my boots. The greatest gift from God was the weekends that he was out of town.
My father used to tell me that one day I'd thank him for his method of raising me. To this day, and I'm married with children... I can't understand why he did what he did to me. He never apologized to me. I feel he basically stole my childhood from me.
While most people look back fondly at their youth, I'm just glad to be at a stage in life where I have no fear of being beaten. Paying my bills is a struggle but I would never trade that burden for my "youth", i.e. my traumatic years of trembling at the thought of Shabbos nearing. I really wish my father would apologize, well..., he hasn't.
I never told anybody about this including my wife, out of shame.
How do I gain closure for such a thing? At this point, confronting my father is basically out of the question for me.
P.S. I wish my mom would have defended me more. On rare occasion she has, but she would mostly just shrug her shoulders. I would love your perspectives on my "story".

miriam,
September 19, 2012 12:19 PM

I am so sorry, how awful

what your father did to you was wrong wrong wrong. First of all, you should tell your wife, and secondly you should find a good therapist to help you process what happened. wishing you all the best!

Anonymous,
September 19, 2012 4:24 PM

Marc, hello

maybe you should tell your wife. I too was treated in a similar way, not quite as bad though. I too have had trouble with careers in life. An elder female raised me (my mother died when I was young), I remember being 11 or 12 and understanding that she knew all along what had been going on. To this day I have difficulty trusting people, especially mature women, I always fear a betrayal just around the corner. I told my kids about this though, to educated them that violence exists but should not remain a hidden family secret,

Anonymous,
September 19, 2012 5:46 PM

Dear Marc, your story is indeed heartbreaking. What you describe is quite common, i.e. an abusive father who is charming and helpful to the whole world, except of course to his family, or to a particular family member. I agree with Miriam that a good therapist may help you. I also want to note, that on Aish, the emphasis with these kinds of stories is on honoring parents and forgiveness, yet you should remember that this is your story and your trauma, and how you approach it belongs to you. The most important thing is for you to honor your feelings, and the goal is for you to heal. Forgiveness may be a biproduct of that, but it should not be the goal. I wish you healing from all the pain and much happiness.

Barbara,
September 19, 2012 7:13 PM

Marc, I've never heard such a horrific childhood situation in a religous family.

I'm just a regular reader of aish.com, but I'm touched to the core by your letter. I am writing just to tell you that I am floored, and I cannot believe a father could be so cruel. And ruin not only his relationship with you, but also your childhood and also your Shabboses. I'm so glad you're married now, and I hope it is a loving marriage. Personally, I wouldn't expect any sort of apology from either of your parents. They are too damaged by their own childhoods to be able to hear your pain. I wish you only good.

Rochel,
September 20, 2012 2:03 AM

Tell them...

Why is telling him out of the question. Your father needs to know that he ruined your child hood and that he made Shabbos something to dread instead of look forward to. He needs to know that he is an abuser and that he harmed you in ways that he cannot imagine. he needs to know that you do not thank him for the the way he raised you, rather, he hurt you and he must agknowledge that and make ammends. your mother needs to know that she is an enabler who allowed her child to be abused his whole childhood. She needs to know that her inaction ruined your formative years. While therapy may be beneficial, there is no reason to let them get away without even having to face the evil that was perpetrated against you go. And please tell your wife. She needs to know and she will help you.

EG,
September 21, 2012 12:38 PM

Why do they need to know?

What purpose would it serve at this juncture? Just cause a lot of grief. He is grown up now and has a good relationship with them, what is the point? It won't benefit his parents' raising children anymore.

Anonymous,
September 20, 2012 3:46 AM

Hello Marc,
I am not the author, yet I, too have been abused as a child. I now help others whom have come out from this. you have asked an important question, :"Is there closure?"
Closure is different for all people. I think it is not totally possible until Moshiach comes to completely understand all that has been done to a person. In the mean time you can come to have insight about yourself not in spite of this abuse, yet because of it.
My rav has said that when we go through painful times that is when Hashem is closest to us. He has been there and bringing us through this time to abetter place Thankfully you have a good wife and are not in the situation anymore..
I am not looking for closure because I know that this pain is here for my growth. I speak to Hashem that while it was difficult what when on before, I am grateful because i am stronger for it. Hashem gave it to me because He knew I could handle it. Difficult? Yes. i used to ask, "Why do I need therapy- they do!" I am glad that I got therapy and Jewish perspective.
it is sad and weird in a cool way to be the daughter that is more mature and the like. They are immature and it is dificult, yet the more I learn about myself and the jewish perspective on this, I see their immaturity and their illness for what it is. It is said that Moshe Rabbeinu said not to hold onto hate becasue it brings you down and a person/ nation cannot move forward if they harbor hate.
So, where do you go with unfinished business? Speak to Hashem and also speak with a mashpiah (a person who can guide you) and allow yourself the time to bring this issue out onto the table to examine it and move forward with it. If not it does something called "cycling" - it keeps going round and round in your head, yet stays locked in.
Does it mean you have to discuss it with your wife? Maybe. Ask a trusted guide who is knowledgeable in Judaism on this type of issue.
I wish you peace and success on this issue. G'mar chasima tova.

Marc,
September 20, 2012 1:31 PM

clarifying

To clarify, my relationship with my father is very good now. The question is, should I just appreciate the present and forget the past?
It happens to be my father is a inherently good person. He helps tons of people and was raised by a father from the old generation, so he may have thought he's giving me tough love... Needless to say, I don't see it as a beneficial method of child-raising (being a 'tiger dad').

anonymous,
September 21, 2012 12:24 AM

So, here then, Marc, when we say "forget the past" what it really means is not that you forget it. It means you do not dwell on it and bring the topic up when you see your father. Meaning you do not harangue him about it or the like.
Appreciate the present? Oh yes! Right on target. I would spek with someone, though, still just to make sure this is appropriate and that you are ok with this. In other words- and I don't mean you, yet some will say, "Oh forgive and forget" and what they really mean is, 'Oh, don't rock the boat and non- confrontational at all costs etc...." You get the point. Yet, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders....You should be proud of yourself.
G'mar chasima tova!
Kol tov.

Marc,
September 21, 2012 2:01 PM

Told my wife

I gathered the courage to tell my wife. Wasn't easy but it definitely feals a bit better. Thanks guys.

(1)
Adina,
September 19, 2012 5:15 AM

Beautiful.
Thank G-d for the healing of another precious, gorgeous soul.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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