I’m Shame-Loving Hipster Beards

I’m just going to go ahead and put this out there. I’ve kinda got a thing for hipster beards. It’s been brewing for a couple of years, but some recent beard conversations and debates had me looking (and liking) again. Oh, hey Jared Leto!

For those of you not familiar, or maybe those of you choosing not to notice, I’m going to do a little beard classification for you, and then we can discuss.

*Disclaimer: The classifications below are sweeping generalizations based upon limited experience, personal opinion, and half-assed research. If you are offended by sweeping generalizations, please stop reading here and head on over to SF or NYC to do your own beard-vestigations.

There’s really nothing not to like here. You’d have to be dead not to appreciate this. IMHO, of course. BC I’m DONE telling people what they should like.

I’ve never been attracted to men with beards. At all. I’m pulling out my psych minor and saying this is because my dad had a full professor beard as long as I could remember. It suited him, but I’m pretty sure there is something evolutionary that conditions us not to be physically attracted to someone who resembles our Dads. Personality traits, absolutely yes, physical traits…HELL NO. Also, many of the professor Dads in my neighborhood, growing up, had beards as well. Elbow patches, pipe-smoking, beard-wearing Dads. Not HOT.

So, beards are making a comeback. They’re passing through the fringe of society and have been inching back into mainstream. I don’t like average guy beards (my own opinion. If you or someone you know has an average guy/girl beard, I’m sure it’s quite lovely/maybe consider laser hair removal) though, and I’ll tell you why. Besides lacking the coolness of the hipster beard, or the sexiness of the scruff beard, the average guy beard is born of laziness. That’s right. Most guys that I’ve talked to about their new average guy beards have said this: “I can’t be bothered to shave anymore. It’s such a pain to shave every day.” OMG, I KNOW!!!! We women wouldn’t know what it’s like to have to spend an extra TEN whole minutes every day or two grooming. It is really unfair for society to expect that of you. How do you feel about pit hair and sasquatch legs on your woman? You likey? Awesome, beard up! Otherwise, I don’t care if it’s catching on, trim that baby down! Most guys don’t look hot with average guy beards. Case in point, average guy: if Jake G doesn’t look good with one, neither do you.

See what I mean? Wow. Why have I never noticed those eyebrows before? They look like RPattz brows (except when they were all tweezed and waxed for Twilight. ‘Member that?)

An informal survey at a weekend party I was at drew these comments about beards from some really smart and insightful drunk women (my friends and me):

“Beards are like barbed wire for cougars.”

“It’s like he’s trying to draw you in and yet repel you at the same time.”

“They’re convenient facial reins.”

“It just can’t be comfortable for anyone, if you know what I mean.” (yeah, I’m pretty sure we do)

“Beards are gross.” (that was late, very late, hence the profundity)

“Guys with beards always smell like cheese.” (now THAT is gross)

“That’s not a beard, that IS cheese. Literally. A beard made of cheese.”

“How do they keep them clean? There’s always food in them.”

“It’s my flavour saver.” (yup, this came from a guy)

If those comments don’t convince you that BEARDS R GROSS, you’re probably a logical person who can’t be swayed by inane comments about cheese beards. Good for you.

That being said, I’ve become a bit obsessed with hipster beards. It’s the current incarnation of hot, alternative bad boy (my favourite). There’s not much there to take home to Mom, but dayum! These guys make me want to pretend that I’m a waitressing student living with four other girls in a two bedroom apartment, listening to Sun Kill Moon and Fuck Buttons, and trying to figure out who I am. These are the guys who break your heart and help show you what you DON’T want in your real life future. Nostalgia for my early 20s aside, I think some of these guys are really hot. Call me crazy or don’t. You’re going to be seeing more and more of these in the wild too.