Kobe Is a Film Buff, Dick

“Hands down, he’s the biggest video fiend we’ve ever had,” said Chris Bodaken, the Lakers’ director of video services. “I didn’t know if it was possible to be more competitive than Magic was, but I think he might be. It carries over into his preparation, and this is part of that.”

Kobe Bean Bryant (born August 23, 1978) is a shooting guard for the Los Angeles Lakers of the National Basketball Association, a “rapper,” a “raper,” a husband, a father, and a dick.

Yes, his middle name is Bean. Also, if you were thinking that Bryant’s unique first name was a result of his parents’ diverse, multicultural interests, you would be incorrect. He is named after meat.

Also:

Prior to this point, Bryant had successfully pissed off his coach, his teammates, his wife, and many fans, making it a seemingly inopportune moment to make demands. Inopportune, perhaps, for a person who is not a dick.

Before the 2004-2005 season, the Lakers traded Shaquille O’Neal to the Miami Heat. Rumors circulated that Bryant had insisted that he would no longer play with O’Neal, forcing the Lakers to choose between the two players.

In 2005-2006, Shaquille O’Neal led the Heat to the team’s first NBA Championship. The Lakers lost in the first round of the playoffs, creating a poetry that was altogether significantly more enjoyable than either of their rap albums.

In May and June of 2007, Bryant made another series of demands in the press that the Lakers trade him to a contender. Apparently, Bryant was upset at the team’s inability to find a dominant player to play alongside him. Shaquille O’Neal had no comment.

Unfortunately for people who wished they could watch Bryant eat his words, Bryant had a phenomenal season earning the MVP award. This led up to an NBA finals with the Boston Celtics and Kevin Garnett that was billed as the second coming of Bird vs. Johnson. The series lived up to that billing in every respect except for excitement, intensity, general classiness, epicness, quality of basketball, and overall significance.

But rather than excerpt the thing in its entirety, I demand you go read it. The 50 Cent line is probably my favorite.