Honoring Sinful Parents

Reader: At what point can a
parent not be honored? My father committed incest. Do I have to honor him? My
mother stole from me. Do I have to honor her?

Mesora:
In his laws of Rebellion (Mamrim) 6:7, Maimonides describes the extent of one’s
required parental fear and honor:

“How far must one go in his
honor of his parents? Even if they take your purse of gold for before you, and
toss it to the ocean in front of you, do not shame them and do not be pained
before them, and do not be angry in front of them, rather, accept the decree of
the Torah and be silent. And how far must one go in his fear of his parents?
Even if one was wearing precious garments, sitting at the head in front of the
congregation, and his father and mother came and tore his garments, hit him on
the head, and spat in front of him; Do not shame them, but be silent, and fear
and tremble from the King, King of all kings, that commanded you in this.
Because if a flesh and blood king commanded on you a matter more painful than
this, you would not be able to refuse the matter. Certainly (the command) of
the One Who spoke and the world came into being - as is His will.”

In law 11 he writes: “Even if you
father is wicked and one of many sins, honor and fear him.”

Maimonides defines “Honor” as feeding
him, clothing him, rising upon his entrance, and ministering before him as a
servant in front of his master. Honor is defined as “positives”. “Fear” is
defined as not contradicting him, not sitting in his seat, and not calling him
by his name. Fear is defined as “negatives”, or rather, not detracting from his
reputation or identity.

But we must understand why such sinful
parents deserve our honor and fear. What is the Torah principle, which
underlies these commands, demanding our honor and fear of those who harm us?

The Torah equated honoring one’s father
and mother to honoring G-d. The equation is that fear and honor of G-d
commences with our initial fear and honor of our parents. A child learns from
early on, the concept of “authority”. Parents are taller, stronger, more
capable, they punish us, and they nurture us. They are the source of our good
and evil. We turn to them for all our fears and desires. In short, G-d designed
mankind in a manner where he must learn the concept of an ‘authority figure’.
Had man not been born, but created as Adam, complete, tall, and independent,
with all the knowledge needed to survive, he would have no need for parents,
and he would forfeit the lesson of authority. But it is vital that this lesson
be learned, as it is essential for the greatest objective: Love of G-d. It is
only through our state as feeble and dependent infants, that the role of
authority may be successfully permeated into our being. Some semblance of authority
must be learned early on, if we are to express “fear and honor” with relation
to G-d. Without learning what authority is in our youth, we cannot approach our
fear and love of G-d as adults. Once we accept the Creator’s authority, we may
then excel to a true appreciation of His majesty based on the knowledge we are
fortunate enough to acquire during the rest of our lives.

For this reason, in the Ten
Commandments, the command to fear and honor parents is rightfully placed in the
section dealing with our approach to G-d, not our fellow man – in the first,
Five Commands. When the Talmud equated fear and honor of parents to fear and
honor of G-d, the equation is not one of commonality - it is an equation of
dependency: fear and honor of G-d depends on man’s inculcation of parental fear
and honor.

Therefore, although our parents may sin
and afflict us, this in no way removes the command to fear and honor them. For
when we do, we are in fact respecting G-d’s command, as Maimonides stated:
“Because if a flesh and blood king commanded on you a matter more painful than
this, you would not be able to refuse the matter. Certainly (the command) of
the One Who spoke and the world came into being - as is His will.”

Understanding that you fulfill G-d’s
will in your act of honoring and fearing your parents, must be your focus. This
knowledge should make the performance one you desire to do.

We thereby learn that G-d’s will must
replace our emotional tendencies, for He knows best what is essential for our
perfection.