John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Most people don’t even know that recovery from loss is possible, much less how to go about it. (Published 10/11/16)

Q:

Four years ago, my 30-year-old son was killed on his way to work. Since that happened, I have a strong feeling of unworthiness about me. I feel like there's a gaping hole in my heart — like there has got to be more to life than this. Of course, I'm sad and I miss him horribly, but I've come to the realization of the whole thing and am in acceptance of it. It seems I just do not have any ambition to want to do anything anymore. It's very difficult for me to get myself together to go out of the house. I do work full time so I have to leave daily for work, but it is a continuous struggle. Could this be related to losing him or is it just typical behavior of a woman in her 50s? I have a daughter also. Thank you,

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

Of course, we can’t comment on whether or not your feelings are “typical behavior of a woman in her 50s.” We don’t think anyone could legitimately say that is or isn’t a fact.

We can say that what you describe

– about your diminished feelings of worth; the absence of meaning in your life; your reduced ambition; your inability to get out of the house; and to perceive your life as an endless struggle – are all very common to grieving people who are stuck in grief for years, often decades or more. It isn’t so much the grief that paralyzes us and takes away our normal energy and verve for life, it is the absence of awareness about recovery from or completion of the pain caused by the loss or losses that have affected our life.

Most people don’t even know that recovery is possible, much less how to go about it.

And they don’t know that grief recovery – which is the actions of completing what was left emotionally unfinished for us when someone meaningful to us dies –does not rob them of fond memories, but it also doesn’t mean they can’t be sad and miss the person who died. It is only human to have feelings about people whom we love and miss. The pain and paralysis can be lifted as a result of taking the actions of grief recovery.

Here is a truthful statement: “Unresolved grief drains energy and robs choice.” That is something we talk about all the time, and when we read your note, we immediately thought that quote defines a great deal of what you wrote.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and start taking the actions it outlines. As you do, you will find your energy and will to participate in life returning. Yes, you will still miss your son and be sad he’s not here, but you can still have a life of meaning and value.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.