I hate Mondays, and I know I'm not alone in that. But for me, it goes beyond just Mondays. Here are some other times I hate:

The days (weeks?) after guests leave our house after visiting

The hours (days?) after any change in routine, including interacting with unfamiliar people either in or outside of the house

The rest of the day (and usually, the following day) after I go out of the house before Daniel's nap (even if it doesn't interfere with naptime)

The rest of the day (and sometimes, the day after) a long phone call or any length Skype conversation with family

I dread these activities...and then even more, I dread the hours and days and weeks that follow them. Many Sunday nights I cry because on Monday morning I'll be alone, once again...with my child.

And then I cry because I feel that way, and no one else seems to share my feelings or be going through what I'm going through.

And then I cry because I must be a horrible mother to not enjoy being a mother.

And then I cry because my kid deserves better than that.

There seems to be no solution to our predicament. (Though we're starting OT again in a couple of weeks, so maybe that will be the cure.) I've tried doing childcare exchange with another mother, and Daniel was destroyed for days after that child was in our house (so I've never even gotten to take my "turn" because I fear that change would have the same effect). I've tried going to playgroups, but they're at inconvenient times (for naps) and/or the children are older/bigger/more physically aggressive than Daniel, and he freaks out. I've tried having family come in from out of town to give me a break, but that never turns out to be as relaxing or as helpful as I had hoped.

When he was much younger (and all my friends were still on their maternity leaves from work) I had a couple of friends who would come over sometimes and just hold Daniel or take him out for a walk while he screamed so that I could take a nap, make a meal, take a shower. I don't get those breaks anymore, and his screams have only gotten louder as he's gotten older. Bonus: now, he can kick and hit me, too.

I feel extremely isolated. I don't know anyone else who is going through this. I don't personally know anyone who is a stay-at-home-mom to a baby who doesn't have extended family support close by. My family isn't geographically close (again, my choice) so they can't drop in to help out (not that it would be helpful, since routine changes mess everything up anyway). And every time I try to seek community outside our home (read: anyone other than Jaymz), there are consequences in the form of Daniel becoming totally dysregulated. It's as if I get punished every time I leave the house, so it's not worth it for me to try anymore.

In some ways Jaymz and I still have a newborn. And parents aren't meant to go through the newborn stage (of crying, need for a "womb-like environment," and need for all the time help regulating their nervous system) constantly for a year and a half (or more!). It's just too hard.

Not only is it hard to have him screaming most of the time, and still needing me so much, I have this guilt for hating it. I chose to become a mother. I knew that I was signing up for a sealed envelope. And wishing I could've chosen a different one makes me feel bad. Knowing that I feel that way and wanting Daniel never to know it (for fear he'll think it's his fault or that I wouldn't have chosen him) is a huge burden to bear.

Yeah, it'll probably get easier. But there's no guarantee, and furthermore, so far that hasn't been true! Up until this point, it's gotten harder and harder as time has gone on. Yes, he'll probably be a wonderful, delightful little kid, a sensitive, insightful teenager, and a perceptive, nurturing adult. But that's not happening right now. Right now, all I have are weeks full of Mondays.

45 comments:

Oh Amy, your pain just seeps out of every word. I'm so sorry you feel isolated and depressed, and I wish there was something I could do to help. I'm very thankful that you're stepping outside of your comfort zone to come visit when you know that it will mean a harder time when you get home. I hope that your time here is worth it!!I'm always here for you just to unload on, when you need it.

I really, really feel for you. I can't pretend to know just what you're going through, because Annabelle and Daniel are not the same, but the isolation is something I understand fully. I'm a 16 hour, fifteen hundred dollar flight from all of my family and some days it really stings. My husband was away for the first eight months of our daughter's life and at that point, I had no friends here. No community. The isolation is dreadful. The husband is with us now, and I have made some meaningful connections, so I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself, but just to say: I hear your cries. I feel your pain. Motherhood is not all sunshine and roses, but you are there for your son regardless and he is blessed to have such a loving mother, even if she's human every now and again.

For what it's worth, I think you're pretty darned awesome, and I appreciate you bring honest so that the rest of us can remember that we're not alone.

I hear you, sister! I have experiences dealing with people outside of our home that leave me so angry or upset that I can't go back out for days and days. After my son was born in July 2011, I barely left the house for the next year!

May the love and support that you are receiving from these comments (and likely many more to come) be felt deep in your soul, bringing you strength for the times when you need it most.

I can count the number of days I've truly enjoyed being a mother if I think about it a little bit, and my kid is 3 and a half, and without Daniel's issues. In fact, we were at the library the other week and I realized I was feeling flooded with warmth and love towards my daughter, and then I realized it had been at least a year and a half since I'd felt that positive towards her and then I wanted to cry.I have to hope that it will get better, but when people would tell me that "Oh you'll miss this stage when she's grown!" I always replied "I'm looking forward to missing this."I hope that you can find some helpful support for your situation, or at least a way to get you the space you need to carry on through the week. I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but know that there are other mother's out there crying because it's Monday.

I don't have any advice other than to say that I'm also a SAHM with not family nearby. They're all 10 hours away, and I don't have a single friend here. No babysitter. No play dates. I feel the pain of every word that you've written and know the dread of the obligated skype calls with a screaming child while everyone else expects you to stay on. I still don't have any advice, but just wanted to say that you are not alone.

Hi Amy... Beloved. I've sat with the meaning of our name many times, especially like those you are experiencing. Isolation with screaming children must be one of the most intense experiences on the planet. I recently made a video for an offering and the words I say at the end apply here... if you can watch past the course information (so as not to take what I say as suggestive) you will get what I mean, friend to friend... hugs... http://peace4parents.com/relaxation-meditation-intro (the video is at the bottom and it's about 4 minutes I think. Love and peace to you and Daniel...

Oh, sweetie. Hugs to you. Thank you for speaking out about the darkness in parenting, because so many stubbornly refuse to talk of anything but the light. And the darkness is real, believe me (and I believe you). I just went back, out of curiosity, through my archives when Mikko was a newborn up to Daniel's age, and there are so many scattered reminders throughout of how hard I found it all: whiffs of regret, outright longing for other people to share the burden, discouragement with the fact that barely anyone tried, disappointment with the results when they did, tentative motions toward camaraderie with other mothers about our (I hoped) shared frustrations with mothering that were shot down, fear that things would not get better and that we had made the wrong choice to have children. I felt so alone. And that was with Sam helping me out at home every day!

What Shannon said up there about looking forward to missing this stage happened to me so often. People would say, "They grow up so fast!" And I would reply fervently, "Thank goodness!"

Your struggles with Daniel are beyond what we went through with Mikko, and yet Mikko was not a piece of cake, let me tell you. Anyone who judges those of us who talk about parenting being hard have not had a child with those needs, and been the only one around to meet them.

So to you I say: You are not a bad mother to feel the way you do. You are not alone in the world though unfortunately locally. You will find a whole community of people who have the same or similar thoughts, and experiences, and fears. Someone has to be the first to speak out.

I keep wishing we lived closer so I could be an allomother to Daniel, learn what it is that works and doesn't, help in the ways that actually help you, and share the load. I keep wishing that.

Love to you, and please keep talking about your journey, good and bad.

I just want to say, I've been there. My son Patrick screamed for over two and a half years. I mean, SCREAMED. No hugs, no love, no laughing, no fun. Just irritation and screaming fits. He woke up crying, went to bed crying, would cry for an hour before a nap and again after. And for a large chunk of that, we were in Maine, 400 miles from anyone we knew, with no friends or family to support us.

It was HELL. I was miserable, I felt trapped and at my wits end. He eventually calmed down, and now he is a happy, funny, adorable seven year old boy. He is still sensitive, and prone to crying more often than my other children, but he is also a thousand times more caring and compassionate than his siblings.

I am so sad for you, friend. I could see the exhaustion and defeat on your face the other day, and I feel at a loss. I DO live in town, but it's so hard to know how to help if my presence (or anyone's) ends up being counterproductive later on. I just really really ache for you. Deeply.

Frankly, it just isn't fair. It isn't fair at all. Especially because you so desperately long to be a peaceful parent, and that is the opposite of what you are experiencing. You are sewing peace and reaping chaos. It just isn't fear. I am so sorry.

Though I cannot relate with you at all, and I'd be pretending if I tried, I CAN say that if I WERE in your shoes, I would feel JUST as you feel. Any mom would. I don't have to be able to relate to know that you are not wrong or bad or awful for thinking how you think and feeling how you feel. I know I would feel and think those things if I were in your shoes.

It probably doesn't help to know this, (but I'm sure you already do) but your situation is pretty unique. You have been dealt a really difficult blow. When people talk about having a fussy guy or a colicky baby, that doesn't even compare to what you are going through. So comparing your emotions to theirs probably seems impossible. I know there are mamas out there that can relate to some extent. There are mamas who have felt how you feel. And they still love their babies, just as you love Daniel.

I don't know why you are going through this. I wish you weren't. I SO wish you weren't. I pray for you to find help, a solution, a break, solice. It's out there, somewhere, somehow.

Reading this post brought back the hole in my stomach feeling of the first three months of my sons life. I know all too well the feeling of not being able to take a shower or clean the house. My son too needed copious amounts of attention and never seemed to nap. Thankfully, once he learnt to sit and then to crawl he is happy to amuse himself for short periods, giving me a break to do the things I need to do. (So I can only partially relate) All I can say is that I wish you well, and you are in my thoughts.

One of my dearest friends, who was moved to our area via military,(ie no family or friends here, or where her daughter was born) has a daughter with SPD, who wasn't diagnosed until she was four years old. Her father refused to acknowledge it, and it wasn't until the parents separated, and my friend and the kids moved with my family that the girl was finally taken in for evaluation. I feel for you. I promise you that there are people who want to be helpful, even if they don't know how. This little girl is very dear to me, and is one of my daughter's best friends. Still, I've seen how inordinately challenging and isolating it can be for her mother, and the additional torment she went through for not having a supportive spouse.

My youngest doesn't have SPD, but is the "neediest" baby who isn't special needs that any of my mama family members and mama friends remember. She would scream unless held in exactly the right position, and generally only wanted me. I too dreaded leaving or handing her to anyone else for even a few minutes while I did something like... wash my hair. Even though I have family near by, they all have full time jobs, 2 - 6 kids of their own, or were otherwise unavailable, and my husband was gone usually about 12 hours a day. Just me and a spunky two year old and and this "spirited" high-maintenance mama's-girl, all day, every day. I definitely lacked support and suffered some postpartum depression. She almost three, still "spirited," and still nurses at least three or four times per night. On the upside, she'll actually play with other people now. Kudos to you, Mama, for giving it your best, and know that I don't think any less of you for wishing you had more support and a less-challenging child. Actually, I think you're normal, and that helps me feel normal too.

I cannot take any of your pain away, but thank you for sharing it. I don't have any solutions to give you, but I can offer "permission". As in, it is ok to feel your feelings. You may not welcome them, but they are yours and not wrong. You can allow yourself the tiny luxury of self-acceptance while you're struggling through your Mondays. May peace find you, mama.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said the newborn stage isn't supposed to last years and years. I know young children cry as their only means of communication but I think parents can bear it becasue it is short lived, normally. When it goes on and on like you (and myself) have experienced, it wears on you. My son, in many ways, is trapped in his own heads without the ability to say many words. And although it is getting better, I have a very young child trapped in the body of an almost three year old... and strong and strong willed three year old. As a perk, I have a young, neurotypical toddler.I love my son dearly and every breath and word is a miracle. But, yes, I too am plumb tired.

This is my family to a T! I have two sensory children who also have food allergies. You are not alone! And yes OT helps tons. You may also want to go to play therapy as well. Our therapist worked wonders!

Oh, lovely. I wish I could offer you more but for now I just want you to know that you are an inspiration, and I personally am touched that you have shared such a raw and honest piece with us. Every day you hear about the sunshine and rainbows of motherhood... but no one ever tells you about the other side for fear that they'll be called a "bad mom". In truth I feel the more honest we are with ourselves and eachother the better women and moms we can be. You are a FANTASTIC mama and your baby is so blessed. I want to just give you a huge hug, which I will do this weekend, but for now just know that you're in my thoughts and prayers, and I thank you for sharing this.

I cannot express how grateful I am for each and every one of these kind words. I would like to respond to each of you individually, but I'm so overwhelmed right now, I don't even know what to say. All I have is this: Thank you...SO much.

I wish to throw my love and sorrow over your situation onto the pile! Living away from consistent support is really hard - that I can attest to. Having a particular, fussy baby, as I did with Zoralee, I can attest to (though not to the extent you and some of these other moms are experiencing). Being so ready for the next phase, I can attest to. Wondering if another parent could do so much better with my kid, I can attest to. Having days you're afraid you'd actually sell your child to a band of passing gypsies, I can attest to. With so many of these feelings, as others have said, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I also second and third what some of the others are saying - that yours is an extreme situation, and that you shouldn't feel guilty not being able to "manage" all of it for this long. That said, and bouncing off the last commenter, I have a good friend who is a play therapist there in Portland. She is AWESOME. In fact, coincidentally, once I referred her to your blog, I think for a gluten-free recipe. Let me know if you are interested in exploring that route, and I'll shoot her info over to you.

I've been there too. My first daughter cried for 2 1/2 years straight it seemed. All that calmed her was nursing. I couldn't take her anywhere because she screamed when we were out too. Even if other people pretended they didn't mind - *I* minded and was embarrassed to boot. We had her tested for ASD and had OT and SLP and counselling even just last year when she was 6 for social skills building. She still prefers to be by herself and she still struggles with emotional regulation on a daily basis. When in doubt out come the screams, whether she doesn't like something her sister does or she hits her finger on a table as she walks by. It's very hard. I want to have fun with her but she always says no. She cries at my jokes and when I laugh at anything she thinks it's bad. She's 7 now. It sucks. We too did not have family nearby for her first 5 years. Now that we have my mom nearby she still isn't much of a help but once in awhile we get away. I just want you to know you're not alone and reading this makes me feel like I am not alone too. Your love for your son will carry you through.

My 2yo daughter has always been high need and very strong willed. It just makes everything difficult. I dreaded taking her out because of the constant battle. I always looked like "that" mother that had the out of control child. I don't have any family around and have only a few friends in the area. We tell everyone that you know you have a difficult child when your trached, gtube child (her 4 month old sister) is the easy one! Honestly, sometimes parenting just sucks. I suppose every area of life does at some point or another, but motherhood makes us feel guilty for ever thinking that! Praying things start to look up for you!

Hugs and hugs and love and love to you!!!!I know the horrible mother feeling. I really thought I was turning into a mean mommy when Melody was still up all night after 2 1/2 years. I was just exhausted and fried... She feels totally loved though and I'm sure Daniel does too. I wish I lived near you so I could actually do something in a concrete way. You are so kind and loving to everyone else. I will continue to send you love and light and hopefully you'll start to get some breaks. much much love....

I look forward to meeting you and Daniel... I'm sorry for the backlash when you go back home. :-(

Like Dionna said, I can feel the pain in each word. I can not imagine how difficult it must be. If its any consolation, I know we *all* have moments (at least) when we don't *like* our kids.

I know my husband and I have both had moments where we *wanted* to throw the baby across the room, but we didn't. And you haven't either (I'd be willing to bet)... and THAT means you're a good mom! No one is a saint and you'd have to be a saint to go through this without some resentment.

I wish you did have SOMEONE nearby... that could come over regularly. Maybe if it happened often enough, it would stop being a disruption! I really, REALLY hope you find a solution soon and things ease up for you! {{{hugs}}}

sending you love and support from the tropics where i am raising two children far, far away from my loving family/support. parenting is hard and overwhelming and sometimes dark and frustrating...thank you for your honesty. know that you are not alone in your journey...

I was going to say I feel ya.. and then I realized that I have family and friends near, and that my kids are neurotypical. If I were you, I'm sure that I would have been hospitalized at least once by now (I'm depressive, and am triggered by sound among other things). I'm not trying to compare our lives so much as attempt to imagine myself in your shoes...

Parenting physically healthy, neurotypical kids is hard enough. Add in any kind of special need (or more than one), and it must become geometrically more difficult. You are doing an amazing job!

I really appreciate your honesty. All parents have their moments and struggles, but it is so much harder when your child has special-needs. On top of the usual overwhelm, there is the WORRY. It's very consuming. It's very, very hard to take care of yourself.

In my area there are support groups for moms with SPD children. Granted, I'm not sure how they navigate the overstimulation issues (my baby boy is more "sensory seeking" so our challenges are different) but it might be worth looking into? Gosh, that sounds lame. Mostly, I'll be holding you in my thoughts and hoping things ease up for you one way or another. Hugs.

Just wanted to also chime in with a huge hug and tons of prayers headed your way. After working for several years with behaviorally and mentally challenged individuals, I can still only moderately imagine what you are feeling. You are a wonderful mother. Being honest about your frustrations doesn't mean you love your child any less! (((Hugs)))

My heart goes out to you. You are NOT alone. I have often felt that same disappointment, wondering if I missed the "mommy gene" because I seemed to be no good at it, didn't enjoy it, hate it at times, in fact. Many times it just SUCKS. Give yourself permission to feel that way. My darkest moments, my most isolated times, my most horrible thoughts, my deepest doubts, have all arisen from motherhood. From needing to care for these small children, and feeling woefully incapable of it, and sometimes not even caring. Except I do, and then it all just feels that much worse.

FWIW I'm a SAHM who has no family close by. We live in California, and both our families are in Texas. Thankfully our families are extremely helpful when they do come visit, and about a year ago we were blessed with coming across an incredible nanny, and wised up enough to splurge on her help part-time. It has literally saved my sanity. I mean that completely honestly, I am almost certain I would have sank into deep PPD after having my second baby had it not been for her help.

I have no words of wisdom for your particular situation 9and know you don't want anyway anyway, and I COMPLETELY understand that as well). Just... hugs. I've been there. I've felt all of those things. You are not alone in feeling this way, and you ARE NOT a bad mother for feeling this way.

(ok, my one teensy piece of advice-- internet support groups can be amazing. When I had my first baby abroad, even more isolated from friends and family, it was the connections through my blog that helped me through the worst times. Don't underestimate the power of an online community. There, I'm done!) ; )

Oh, Amy, I'm so sorry. Some of my friends threw me a very non-traditional shower (in a bar) when I was pregnant and after a couple of beers, one of them said, "when you get to the point when you want to smack your kid, when you understand shaken baby syndrome -- and it will happen -- call me. I'll come over with a bottle of wine." It was possibly the best baby gift I got, and I wish for you that we could each take turns stopping by with a treat and a fresh pair of ears for the screaming, a new arsenal of funny faces to exhaust and a shrug, because yeah, it'll be better someday but for now (sometimes), it sure does suck.

Thank you for writing these words of truth. I read through all the comments, as well. I hope these wonderful people help you know that you are heard and supported. I remember those trapped and isolated feelings; the guilt; the anger; the sorrow; the grief. I'll be thinking about you a lot and sending you lovingkindness every time. If I can be a shoulder or an ear, I'm here without judgment or advice.

Oh honey, you wrote "Please don't give me suggestions, solutions or advice. I just need loving support. " And here I am, offering my loving support; unconditionally, without any suggestions, solutions or advice. An abundance of blessings to you sweet mama

you have just described my son. As much as I want social interaction, I dread it , as well. I dread that change in routine. What will happen the days that follow.

I couldn't even begin to give suggestion or solutions 'cause I don't know any. I sit here in tears most days trying to console my son.

We are hoping to get OT covered through insurance since early intervention hasn't given it to us and as they said D is an extreme case and needs a multitude approach that sensory is all over the place, etc.

I know what you're going through to some extent. It's tough and most don't understand. There are days, I sometimes hate my position as a SAHM, I overall love it, but it's those days that no matter what I do, I can't fix it and we're both crying and I just want to give up.

or how about the time we got, all he needs is a spanking. we knew at that moment, that person didn't understand D and it wasn't a simple solution 1. we are against spankings 2. he's having a melt-down not a tantrum and it's totally different. Only using this example because it's part of that unsolicited advice people like to give and judge our situation.

This past weekend, I remember finally saying aloud, why can't D be normal like the other little boys at the apple orchard. I didn't mean it the way it came out, but there are days I wish, I had known 'cause there are days I would have given him up for adoption (no I wouldn't, but I think just maybe, but I did fall in love all over again the second I saw him.

I think, I'm a bad mommy for this but then there are moments when everything is going perfect, as perfect as it can and I'm reminded how blessed I am to be his mommy. and when chaos breaks lose, which seems to be almost daily and sometimes every second of the day, I remember screaming to my husband, I didn't ask for a special needs child, why did GOD give him to us, and I may never know that answer.

But what I do know is, I fight for him. One doctor told me all that was wrong was global delay and I fought and fought and finally got there is way more wrong than him (sensory and possibly autism)and we are now waiting for a 2nd opinion.

Don't give up momma, you are blessed, as I am but it's normal to feel like WHY on some days, and sometimes it seems it's every day... we feel this way, it's normal to want to give up, it's normal to feel how you do.

What you wrote basically describes my son to a tee, and I thought I was the only one in the world going through this. You have helped me in so many ways, I can't even explain. Thank you and I'm here for you, if you ever just want to vent. As I understand in so many ways and would never judge you...

Thank you all, again, from the bottom of my heart for your love and openness in response to this piece I wrote. It was cathartic to get it out, and it's been truly healing to read all your comments. My heart goes out to all of you who are experiencing (or have in the past) similar parenting struggles, and I wish none of us had to deal with this kind of struggle and pain. In spite of that, I want you to know it's nice to be among such amazing company.

I'm going absolutely crazy now that my husband has a new job and is gone a lot more. I can't drive and I feel trapped. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to leave the house and run away, leaving my daughter inside. I've also screamed at her for the first time ever... And then I did it a few more times in the past few weeks. It's hard... Especially because I feel like I simply CAN'T leave her anywhere else. Not even at daycare, school, or with my mom. She may *need* me. In fact, I have tried daycare, just at the gym, and it was a no go. We tried for weeks to get her used to it, nope. We're about to try again with preschool. I hope it works out. The only one I can trust her with is her dad and not for prolonged periods of time, besides he is working...

Going outside does help us a lot. Running around and wearing her out also makes it better later when we do come inside.

Oh Amy! I didn't see this until today. I'm so glad 41 people have gathered around you virtually and offered support. It's a lonely job normally, let alone with a high (HIGH) needs baby/toddler. I think Rachel said it exactly with 'you are sewing peace and reaping chaos.' Melodie probably knows best what you are going through...

I have an intense child too, and can certainly relate to your feelings of guilt and thinking someone else could do it better; I had a birth mother and a foster mom looking over my shoulder in my imagination, every time I failed or stumbled in those first years with him!! All I can say is, it helped me to remind myself or try and think of ways where I am a good match with him; I can empathize with his sense of loss because of having no relationship to speak of with my father. I'm good at getting on the floor and playing with my kids; tickle wars, wrestling, shaking them upside down, etc, and he needed lots of kinetic touch based activities to keep him stimulated. My focus matched his focus. Even though some of my characteristics SEEMED like a mismatch, I could usually find a way to spin it positively.

The more I can think of myself as well matched, the more stamina I have with him (still, at 7, but especially so as a toddler).

Echoing sentiments above... let me just add, I'm sure at least five times as many people as have commented are praying for you/sending posi thoughts your way, because I'm sure I can't be the only one who reads while holding a wiggleworm and needing to do five other things, and who lets good intentions slide for a few days...! All I can say is I am praying for you. I have learned so much from your blog and I think your honesty is a real service to us all.