Letter of Gratitude, Cease & Desist for Vocal Non-Digital Gamer Who Honestly Does Need to STFU

February 4, 2017Written by Heath Hindman

[Dumbsclaimer: This piece of gaming satire does not reflect opinions of any specific individual or this website as a whole. Reported incidents did not actually happen.]

Steverson “Stevie” Townsen of Ridgewold, Maine is an all-physical gamer all the time, and he’ll be the first to tell you so. He’s never purchased a single piece of DLC, let alone a digital copy of a game. If you ever mention a digital deal you got, you can bet Stevie’s right there to tell you how he found it cheaper in a bargain bin and blah blah that’s all you’ll hear before you imagine shoving a sock into his mouth.

Around his hometown, Stevie has long been known for an impressive game shelf and needing to cool his fucking jets, but now, people worldwide are becoming familiar with his all-physical preference, whether they give a shit or not.

Alerted to his grandson’s reputation by a newspaper op-ed, Stevie’s grandfather said, “It’s comforting to know that in this economy, hard drive space won’t be an issue for Stevie and his family. But speaking as one who got routinely spanked as a youth, I have to say that Stevie is about two digital gaming slams away from having his mouth shut for him.”

Unlike the used percentage of Stevie’s PS4 hard drive, this story gets bigger.

Today, GameStop President John GameStop said in a statement:“We appreciate the business of every single customer who walks through our doors, especially Stevie Townsen. We’re glad to see him at every midnight launch party, we just wish he’d shut the fuck up sometimes.”

John GameStop continued:“GameStop, along with countless independent video game dealers across the globe depend on walk-in customers and physical game sales, but we also need our sanity. Steverson Townsen is welcome to shop with us any time, but it’s our highest hope that he’ll not be such a douche about it.”

Townsen was immediately available for comment — many of them — but our sources say he was utterly intolerable.