It's NOT all about ME ME ME (yes it is)(no it is not) I GIVE UP

Category Archives: darkness

Life has been very hectic lately and it got to a place where I just wanted to give up and pack Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading and throw in the towel.

I am so lucky to have people by my side who do not judge me and also see that I’m not mental or delusional. Natalie, Niama, Kaff and Kelly have been my rock recently and without them by my side I really would have packed it all in.

Over a month ago I started to slip into my darkness where everything was too much for me and the lack of sleep and paranoia was draining my body of the few bits of colour I had. I had to concentrate on myself and Ethan but I couldn’t Piaroo’s Wish has taken over my life and its all I think about I stopped going to church coffee morning and stopped going to art club on Tuesday and barely made in on the Monday.

The house which is only a bungalow was bulging and I felt suffocated everywhere I looked there where donations and it was drowning my being into a slump of grey misery. Do not get me wrong I love having and doing Piaroo’s Wish but after 22 months I had a different vision in mind. Life doesn’t go the way you want it to. I wanted to have some huge storage right by me and have the shed up and running full of food parcels and toiletries. I wanted the Queen’s Arms Non Alcoholic Pub up and running and us to be firmly situated all day and be giving the guys some classes and so much more.

I felt a failure and I also felt that I had let my mum down by not achieving my goals. Every morning I woke up a little deeper into my downer and I couldn’t see a way out. Natalie and Kelly were amazing and Nemo held the fort too.

Every Tuesday I use to get so excited not knowing what donations I would receive to help our family but the last month I woke with dread I hated the feeling and I didn’t cry like I would normally but I held it in and now that I can see the glorious opening into my levelness I want to cry. it is not rational but my mind is not rational either. The life I have led and the things I have done have bought me to this point but having Schuermans Disease, Fibromyalgia, Diabetes type 2, COPD stage 1, Arthritis, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar and kidneys not so great. I have struggled so much in my life and I thought that it was done and dusted but certain times of the year my debilitating depression can cripple me more than my actual illnesses.

I sometimes wonder why I have had the life that I have got and then I think of Ethan and if I hadn’t had the life I had he would not be here. God trusted me with his life to raise a wonderful son. One thing I can say for certain is Ethan is amazing how he has coped with me, I do not know. I asked him once how his life was and how he dealt with me and he said ” Life is normal to him”.

I know I go off topic which is because my brain is always working and it never wants to just be. I have to analyse everything. My paranoia is the worst that in itself is stiffening and can be so intricate and webbed. I wish I could explain but it is just what is is. MY LIFE.

Last Thursday Kelly and Kaff and I had to go and view somewhere and when stopped and had a drink and I ordered a treble vodka and coke and as I sipped (gulped) it down it felt so smooth, one of my old friends that kept the light going.

I took every drug available during my youth and alcohol was my dear friend. I had no problems giving them all up from weed to heroin (which I only took when I visited slough) so I was not hooked but I understand when people take that first bite of heroin the come down is sickening and excruciating. I could of easily become a slave to the drug but my escape was going home to Reading.

Anway back to Thurday I Kaff took me home and I felt a buzz so idecided to give my zombie make up a go and I felt the rush of creativeness and I cam getting back to my scattyness which means watch out everyone because I am becoming manic which is a great sign.

This last bout od downer has been a long one so taking last weekend off had beena blessing and knowing that I have amazing people to keep me standing when all I want to do is hide makes me feel not alone.

Not just them but everyone who helps in Pairoo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading makes me feel not alone too. Knowing that people in Reading have the passion to continue when I don’t stirs my soul and feeds my belly especially when I don’t want to eat. I could name everyone but I don’t think I could remember over 2250 people names.

Even when I don’t love myself, the guys still love me which encourages me to continue the work that I started in December 2015. Twenty two months later we are still going and growing. I have so much I want to do and I am learning to delegate which for me is not an easy task. I have brought myself up in my mind and I have led a very lonely life but I know no matter what my mood is, someone has got my back. that feeling is so new to me.

Being the only person I could rely on all my life has made me not bitter but sad, The years I spent not letting anyone help me and thinking I can do it has finally gone. Which for me was a flashpoint. Even at 49 I am still learning to open myself up but still guarding my heart so no one breaks it. I have been so lonely thinking everything is fine when really I was deluding myself. You cant live a life without friends and family and the love that surrounds them. Learning how to love others is a new thing but the love I feel for everyone in Piaroo’s and the guys brighten the path for me to walk.

Even thought the nights are getting longer, colder and grey, my son and Pairoo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading and my family show me I am not alone.

Everyone knows I have mental health issues/problems, however people want to describe depression, borderline personality disorder or Bipolar. It is very depilating and can cripple me at times. You would think I would have a handle on it but these conditions are unpredictable.

What I do know is I have tools in place which I use daily which I learnt from having intense psychotherapy twice. Apparently I am over therapized. There is nothing they can teach me as I know it all, My consciousness and my unconsciousness which means for every action my head works, needs, unravels, dissects, analysis, break down, pros and cons and glue back together. My head is constantly on the go hence not been sleeping for more than a few hours at a time.

Yesterday I went to my support group and the guest speakers were talking about suicide and the after effects and the heartache of those left behind. My unconsciousness must have known as I missed the first half. Now if I was in a good place I would have found it an eye opener but because I have been in a dark place I found it profoundly heart wrenching. I left the group and went to burger king to get myself in a place to go home and see my wonderful son.

I got home and I spent the evening trying not to cry. What’s the point and then yet again my head is doing its own thing.

Today I woke up after having a few hours undisturbed sleep which was a good feeling. Laura who is a good friend wanted to come over for a cuppa to talk about policies. But she ended up taking me to the doctors for my acupuncture which was painful but needed. Then we went to get her dog who is adorable his name is axle and he lifted my spirits so I could look up and see the light. I wish I was able to take pictures but he is only a puppy of 3 and he only sat still when he was hugging me and comforting me.

Laura treated me to Lunch something I didn’t deserve but she knew I needed a treat. We chatted and laughed and had food. I wont mention much about the food at the Mansion House apart from saying it was delicious. I took my meds and that was it I needed to sleep and i was slurring my words I was so relaxed and at peace I was trusting that my body had shifted.

Anyone she got me home and I went straight to bed. I had a meeting at 5.30 and I woke up with enough time to get dressed and get the bus.

This meeting was glorious in every way and uplifting and God was shining his light on me and letting me know that no matter what I have been through and that I was and am his daughter until he calls me home. I see the hope and possibilities and the future is bright and I know I will be having a manic few days coming along as I feel the splurge of ideas flooding my brain.

The darkness that has plagued me for the last month started when we had to close Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading. That was the first nail. then as the days went on and then weeks the more nails penetrated my skin my soul my heart and the pain has been hard to cope with. Knowing I couldn’t do what brought me so much joy and peace knowing I was worth something and that I was needed that my love and my care was being given freely and knowingly to the people who I call my family.

I have many families and the homeless and the vulnerable are another I would love in the future to have all my families in one place. That would be awesome. Anyway my blood family are great now that I am learning to keep my mouth shut and not argue which is me doing the arguing. My friends family are more than friends they are the people like Sonia, Therese, Kelly, Laura, Emma, Mandy, Maz, Kaff, Nemo and many more and yes they are all women. My Christian family who save my soul and brought me to God and he forgave me my sins and boy did God have a lot of sin s to go through and He STILL LOVES ME. My Piaroo’s Wish family who bring the peace and love to me that is heart breaking to know I am unable to do what I Love which is help them feed them listen to them and be there.

I am not one for blogging when the changes occur but its time to let people know the signs for my mania like talking fast, falling and tripping, banging into walls and car doors, having ideas of grandeur, taking on too much and not listen to my body, cluttering my house and not doing a job and seeing it through because I have got side wipe and started doing another job.

Then maybe after a few days I will crash and deflate and the darkness will start to swirl and spread I may not get to that point of uselessness and being not needed which will then take me to my suicidal thoughts. One thing I can say for now is that I wont do anything as I know I couldn’t leave Ethan. I need him he grounds me and he loves me even when he is being a typical Kevin and Perry. Ethan has kept me from taking that step for years and he carries on without knowing how much his love and trust holds me together. Thankfully he doesn’t know how much I need him.

Anyway for now I am loving my life and the light is shining and God is teaching me to take this time to prepare and pave the way forward. Bright amazing things are going to happen. I know I need to pray more and listen to what God is teaching me.