I Suddenly Remember Why Scott Walker Is Not the Nominee

CLEVELAND, OHIO—It says something about the crowd gathered here that Laura Ingraham, a famous radio terror, was invited to speak at the Republican National Convention, and that she got a wild ovation at the beginning and at the end of her remarks. Her theme was "Respect." She told a touching story about watching TV back in the 1970s at her Momma's knee and asking why people were burning the American flag.

"Honey," said Momma Ingraham, "that's because their parents didn't teach them about respect."

"Respect."

When she was at Dartmouth, she edited the Dartmouth Review, during which time she arranged to surreptitiously record a meeting of the campus gay students association. She then outed the members in her magazine and sent the tapes to their parents. She later changed because one of her brothers came out, but fck that, too.

"Respect."

Back in 1995, in a truly embarrassing piece in The New York Times Magazine, there was this darling anecdote about Ingraham's evening in some DC bar.

As we sat in the bar of the Tabard Inn knocking back big glasses of Sambuca ("Should we all sing 'Kumbaya'?" suggested Ingraham), she entertained us with stories of her adventures in El Salvador during the mid-80's. What was she doing there? I asked. "Subjugating third-world nations," she said with a dry laugh.

In the course of the proxy wars launched illegally and luxuriously financed by everybody's hero, Saint Ronnie Reagan, some 20,000 Salvadorans were killed. Archbishop Oscar Romero was gunned down while saying Mass. Four American nuns were raped and slaughtered.

"Subjugating third-world nations."

"Respect."

Yeah, right.

This was followed by a speech by Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi. "I've dedicated my entire public career to the rule of law."

"Lock her up!" cried the crowd.

"I love that," said Pam Bondi.

And, in case you were wondering, that's the same Pam Bondi who's being looked at sideways these days because, after soliciting a nice contribution from some outpost of the Trump empire, she announced that she was calling off the Florida investigation into the scam that was Trump University.

"Rule of law."

Yeah, right.

Then there was a video about Apollo 11 and the space program, a deep and heartfelt tribute to the miracle of big government. Astronaut Eileen Collins gave a nice talk about how we have to reach for the stars again. This unseemly appeal for big government didn't seem to sink in. Which reminds me that, all week, delegates from all over America have been thanking the assembled lawmen, and having their pictures taken with them, and generally making quite manifest their support. I am wondering, of course, what will happen when they go home and some poor sucker whom they'd elected mayor asks them to pay another dime in taxes to equip and train the local cops. I am terribly cynical.

This was followed by a couple of bullgoose ravers—a Kentucky state pol named Ralph Alvarado and a pastor named Darrell Scott. Alvarado gets points for yelling about "the IRS scandal," as far as I know the first big bite taken here out of that particular nothingburger. Pastor Scott roared to a conclusion by reciting the Presidential Oath as he imagines He, Trump will take it next January. Then along came Harold Hamm, an extraction billionaire from Oklahoma, notable for trying to get professors fired for doing studies linking fracking to the unlikely seismic hootenanny that has broken out beneath the ground. (Thanks to FOTP, LLC. for the link.)

"Every time we can't drill an oil well," Hamm told the hall, "a terrorist is funded."

This seems to me to be an odd economic theorem, but I'm just along for the ride here.

I had forgotten all the reasons why Scott Walker never even made it to the Iowa caucuses, dropping out, you may recall, so that he could help the Republican Party stop the barbarian with the combover. They all came back when he came bounding out and grabbed a hand mic. Geez, I thought, maybe he's going to give us his hard five minutes. Instead, employing his Big Boy tenor, he once again recited all those arguments that made him invisible during that part of the campaign when he was actually participating in it. This is what he said.

"We made a solid commitment to support our veterans with health-care and everything else they need once they get home…If Hillary Clinton were any further inside, she'd be in prison."

Saith the man who once employed a dude who literally stole money meant to take war widows and war orphans to the zoo and used it to go on vacation, and who then ended up really, really inside.

All of this and N. Leroy Gingrich, Definer of civilization's rules and Leader (perhaps) of the civilizing forces, came on with his Churchill act and told some scary stories about how Sharia law is lapping at our coastline and how The End Is Near.

"The cost of Hillary Clinton's lies might be the end of America as we know it."

Oh, give it a rest, Chauncey.

There never has been a moment in which Lily Tomlin's wisdom was more needed. No matter how cynical you are, it's hard to keep up.

Charles P. PierceCharles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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