Category Archives: BDSM Lifestyle

Though men won’t usually report it, they have their consent violated a lot more than we think. Women and men, grab their ass and fondle their junk. They have their personal space invaded and hands roam their bodies…all without consent.

Why don’t they report it? Why don’t we hear about these instances? Why don’t they write about them, explaining why they felt violated and why they didn’t speak up? Why don’t they refuse to go to parties where their predator lurks?

Since I am not a man, I can only say what I have been told by men and can theorize about why they don’t come forward…

It’s not manly.
Men are taught to be strong and protectors. Feelings are for women and would make a man appear weak and womanly. Other men would tease and ridicule a man for coming forward. He may get his man card revoked.

The person was really good looking
They were almost flattered and took the touch as more of a compliment, than a violation. They simply changed their feelings about what happened , in order to get through the moment. It isn’t wrong, it is a choice.

It wasn’t a big deal.
They simply don’t care that much about simple touching. They didn’t consent to it, but they realize that the persons intent wasn’t meant to cause harm. They may write it off as a bratty sub, misbehaving. Or they may feel that since no permanent damage was done, they don’t need to bring it up.

No one believes them.
More often than not, men are the predators. So when a man reports a consent violation, they have to fight against the beliefs that they are physically stronger than women and therefore, less vulnerable. We simply don’t acknowledge that a woman can intimidate or violate a man. That old saying, “You can’t rape the willing”, implies that men cannot be violated without their consent.

No drama.
Men want to avoid the drama associated with reporting a consent violation. More often than not, a mistake on someone’s part is blown out of proportion and a persons reputation is ruined in the community. People are viewed as guilty of being a predator with little proof and must prove their innocence. Seeing other men go through a Fetlife firing squad, makes men refrain from reporting when they feel violated.

There is no measure of your worth. There is nothing to compare to, because there is only one YOU. There is nothing to measure against.

You can try…but you will always fall short. Because we are always looking out, not in.

Can you measure your worth based on others? No.

Can you measure your worth based on society? No.

Can you measure your worth based on the money you make? No.

Can you measure your worth based on the possessions you own? No.

When you feel like you aren’t worthy…when doubts start creeping in…that is your instincts telling you that you are in a situation that isn’t healthy. Don’t ignore your gut…listen closely because it knows your worth.

A mentor is an experienced and trusted adviser. Usually a mentor is older, but emotional growth can also be a factor.

Mentoring someone should be taken seriously by both parties. It should not be entered into lightly. There should be discussions and agreements between parties. Both people should have a clear understanding of what is involved and what are the goals. Without clear and defined goals and objectives, there will never be any progression.

It isn’t about teaching someone how to use their new toys or how to sit at someone’s feet. Mentoring is about every aspect of the lifestyle. It’s about guiding and advising. It’s about learning from someone that has experienced it and gaining information for personal growth. It’s about being open and self aware. It’s about taking the advice and applying it as it was intended.

A mentor is a “trusted” adviser. You need to trust that they have YOUR best interest at heart. You need to trust that there isn’t a hidden agenda. You need to trust that feedback is given openly and honestly. A mentor relationship that can develop is deep and meaningful, but it is not sexual. Once a relationship turns sexual, it changes the whole dynamic.

Here’s a good rule of thumb:

If you are fucking your mentor…they are NOT your mentor. They are…something else.

People could draw a fine line between submission and oppression, if they didn’t really understand submission.

But who can say that they REALLY understand submission? Each person’s desire to be submissive is individually their own. No one submissive is the same as another. They may share similar kinks, but their root desires are not the same.

Women fight an internal battle between being oppressed and being submissive. Living in a male dominated society, fighting for equal rights, yet longing to give those rights to a trusted individual. It’s a struggle that most don’t even see. Transitioning from the vanilla world we reside in, to the kink world we desire is not always as seamless as we would like, and not everyone does it well. You may work in a male dominated field, but come home to a Master/slave dynamic. Or you may just go to a party or munch, after being the head of your household. Being submissive after fighting for dominance all day, can be difficult.

Women also fight an external battle between being oppressed and being a bitch. Society views men as the dominant species, leaders of the race. Strength and intelligence doesn’t always factor into these views. A male simply must be present. A woman must fight for respect. A woman must be assertive and aggressive to compete for dominance and be viewed as a leader. A woman will never be invited into the inner sanctum I like to call, The Good ole’ Boys Network.

The GOBN (because acronyms are the thing) exists in every community. It’s a man’s man club. A woman will NEVER be a member of this club. It exists because women have always been viewed as the weaker sex and men need to protect and dominate the weaker sex. These are primal instincts that go back to creation (whatever your views of this are).

I thought, when I first entered the local community, that the GOBN wouldn’t be present here. That the lifestyle, with its open views, would be exempt. WRONG. It exists everywhere. If there are men and women, there will be a GOBN.

We all play a part in creating and maintaining this network. Consciously or unconsciously, we feed the fire. How many times have you looked for a DM or Host, expecting it to be a man? How often do you expect a man to violate consent versus a woman? When you look around a party, who do you consider the ones to be in control? Just a glance…but if you were to really look…discard societies views…what would you see? How many times has a man made a comment that was inappropriate, yet we don’t respond because we know, we will be viewed as a bitch if we don’t just politely respond. We just gave them the power.

How often does a Host have a submissive doing a lion’s share of the work for a party, yet they are the ones that are given the most credit. They viewed as leaders of the community. They are given the keys to the city, so to speak. The GOBN takes them in and the membership grows. Yet they are only as strong as the submissives back that they rode to the top. Without the power we give them, they would likely be just a man.

Watch…and listen. The GOBN greetings…hard slaps to the back…firm handshakes. All shows of dominance. Listen to the discussions…power plays and dealings with problems in the community. All going on around you. Leaders making decisions in a GOBN.

Women should be able to be whatever they want to be. We shouldn’t have to be aggressive to be viewed as leaders. We are told, submissives hold all the power. We CHOOSE to give the power away, usually to someone that exhibits more power. We don’t have to give all our power away. We can be a force of nature. We can be a collective power, if we see our own potential. If we rally together and stop allowing societies views to taint our own.

Stop fighting to enter the GOBN and let’s create our own. Let’s stand up and show the world that submission doesn’t mean oppression, it means power.

With the internet it is easy to get involved in local communities all over the world. Fetlife.com is about the only site I recommend for finding communities. It isn’t really designed to be a dating site; it is a social networking site, the Facebook of BDSM. Although many still use it as a dating site. Fetlife definitely has its issues and could always use some improvement. But it has been the best place in my personal opinion for networking in the kink community. All these people you come across doing everything imaginable. You may think some is hot, some is not and other things you see you ask yourself WTF! Welcome to the kink world, it can be a strange, fun and scary place.

So here are some quick tips for dipping your toes in the water…

Use a pic of yourself not anyone else. If you are not able to be out and open about your lifestyle that is ok. Use some cute meme or something like that. Anything that won’t be construed as a picture representing you. Most all of us in the kink community understand that you can’t always use a picture of yourself. But it is never ok to use a picture of someone in a manner that people will believe is a representation of yourself.

Fill out your profile. Granted like any other social website, many people won’t read the profile, they’ll just see the profile pic and write all kinds of ignorant to intelligent things to you. But the ones worth talking to will read it.

Attend education classes and events to learn about the lifestyle. Don’t assume that since you read 50 shades of grey you understand the nuance to the lifestyle. Other than exposing the BDSM lifestyle to a more mainstream public view. That book has little to nothing to really do with the lifestyle. There are many organizations who provide educational classes, workshops and events all over the world. If you did join Fetlife, you can find many of these organizations through the events tab at the top of the website.

Attend munches or social events to meet people. Get out and active in the kink community and you’ll have friends flowing before you know it. Yes, this can be scary and nerve wracking. Especially for someone who tends to be shy and introverted. It is also possible you won’t quite feel like you fit in at first. But keep going and trying, people will begin to open up when they start to realize your wanting to become part of the lifestyle. Not just another passer by stopping in to look at the kinky people.

There is only one true way to practice the BDSM lifestyle, your way! So take the advice and education you get and adapt it to fit you in a personal meaningful way. However, pay close attention to the safety precautions of certain play aspects. Doing anything in an unsafe manner in which could cause serious harm to another is never ever ok. And never assume you know everything…. I’ve been in this lifestyle 20ish years and I am still learning new things all the time. Humility, it will go a long way to aiding you on your personal journey.

You may be living a kink lifestyle but common sense still applies here like it does everywhere else. There is a real life world with work, kids, family, etc. that we all have deal with. How you work kink to fit into the world is the personal journey you’re on.

Communication, learn how to! It is one of the most important concepts to the lifestyle. It is fundamental to your personal growth and the relationships you develop. Be honest with yourself and your partner(s). It may not always be the easiest thing to do, but it is the only intelligent way to be.

I hope you find these quick tips helpful as you step into the lifestyle. Stay safe, have fun and enjoy the ride your about to get on. Because it can be a doozy at times!