This Week in Posters & Stills: PROMETHEUS, the new Superman

THIS WEEK IN POSTERS & STILLS: I’m leading off with the new batch of stills from Prometheus, since this movie is the strongest nerd crack I’ve got until more Dark Knight Rises stuff drops. This one’s of Idris Elba on the bridge of the ship, which I believe is called, aptly, “Prometheus.” I’m getting a weird hokey vibe from this picture. It’s like a cross between “I’m givin’ ‘er all I’ve got, captain!” and the trolley driver from The Rock.

Obviously, Michael F. Assbender hollowed that cave out with his penis.

Wait, you mean to tell me holographic computer images are commonplace in the future? My goodness, I’ve never seen that in every futuristic action movie ever!

Prometheus promises us a futuristic journey to discover the origins of man, and obviously this room full of space bananas proves that we were descended from monkeys. It’s like some reverse Kirk Cameron shit. Typical liberal Hollywood.

The simple fact that this is a horror poster in which the baby’s not the scary one is so different as to be revolutionary, these days. I support this. Though I don’t know where the sparks are coming from. They must’ve been shooting an 80s rock video next door.

Save the best piece… for last? So then this is going to be the last one? You promise? We should be able to sue for false advertising if it isn’t (and I suspect it won’t be), right? (*rubs palms together*) And now we wait.

Hold on, I’m making my own version. I couldn’t get Tara Reid, but it’s basically the same thing…

Yup.

Samuel Jackson’s got that “Watchoo talkin’ bout, Willis” face in this one. This is like a Def Comedy Jam bit come to life.

“You ever notice when white people be hearin’ explosions they be all like, ‘Well gee whiz, Muffie, I wonder what’s going on over there? I’d better go investigate.’ And if that was a brother, he’d be all like, ‘Yo, you better investigate my black ass cause I’ll be runnin the other direction, gnome sayin!!'”

Floating heads… mismatched names and faces… pointless diagonal horizon line… BEHOLD: This isn’t just a shitty poster, this is EVERY shitty poster.

I’ll just leave this here.

I like R-Pattz fine, but OPEN YOUR DAMNED EYES, MAN! IT’S NOT EVEN BRIGHT IN HERE!

I’m a little confused by the girl in Brave. She has the head of a 10-year-old but the body of a basketball player.

Not even cartoons are immune to the ugly-guy-with-hot-chick thing. But you know why that’s a cliché? Because it happens constantly in real life. It’s not my fault girls hate me because I’m beautiful and end up settling.

Somehow, I feel like all three of these guys kind of look like Billy Connolly. I think when you draw Scots, you just get ten different caricaturists to draw Billy Connolly.

This would be so scary if those ginger kids weren’t cartoons.

“It’s this movie that looks totally boring that we can’t tell you anything about that all the nerds think is the best thing ever!”

This is a perfect microcosm of Joss Whedon’s entire career.

Here’s the first of a new batch of Dark Shadows posters, and I’m not going to lie, I’m digging the hell out of these. Usually the poses would be in front of some boring backdrop, but framing them against actual scenery makes them.

She’s heavily photoshopped, right? Those aren’t actually her real proportions? Remember, the crux of this movie is that this woman wants to bang the protagonist.

…I’ll be in my bunk.

She’s diagonal, but at least there’s a reason for it. Normally, she’d be standing in that same angle but the background would be cropped out and it’d just look like she was tilted.

The FBI has advised me to refrain from commenting on Chloe Moretz from now on.

That’s the most male neck you’re ever allowed to see in a Tim Burton movie. Mock turtleneck is as uncovered as it gets.

Those are really high heels.

Aw, poor Helena Bonham Carter, she gets the dumb, pointlessly diagonal poster. Also, the placement of the cot makes it look like she has corgi legs.

If I owned that outfit I would rock it every weekend.

I’ve always said Jackie Earle Haley had the face of a gravedigger. And the name of an assassin.

Are these quotes supposed to be portentous? They come off just kind of boring.

I bet those words were kind of profound when they were written. Now they’re like Cosmopolitan-quiz-level cliché.

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From the producers of Little Miss Sunshine – When an unusual classified ad inspires three cynical Seattle magazine employees to look for the story behind it, they discover a mysterious eccentric named Kenneth, a likable but paranoid supermarket clerk, who believes hes solved the riddle of time travel and intends to depart again soon. Together, they embark on a hilarious, smart, and unexpectedly heartfelt journey that reveals how far believing can take you.

So, yeah, it’s a quirky love story, though it’s got a lot of talented people involved. Supposedly based on a real classified ad. I’m sure it’s probably good, but my first inclination is to avoid anything with this much whimsy.

Remember this trailer from the other day? I posted a full breakdown. The poster is great, it’s just… I can’t bear to see something like this without C-Tates. Hold on, let me mock something up…

See? Much better.

If that lady wasn’t clearly American Indian, everything else about this poster would lead me to believe that it’s about gingers. And the dark history of their recessive genes.

Here’s a higher res look at the new, darker, edgier Superman logo from Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel I posted the other day. I like it.

I just can’t muster that much hate for this project. Once you get past the basic blasphemy of new guys playing the original stooges, it’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect. Not that that’s a good thing.

# 9 looks like the poster they’ll be using here in D.C.: “Look at that heroic-looking, bluetooth-wearing bureaucrat! While the girl on the team holds a pistol in each hand, he looks like he’s struggling to hold one gun with both his hands. I hear his special power is smugly explaining things in a nasally accent. I identify with him! When does this movie come out, ’cause I’m there, man!!”

Come. The. Fuck. On.
Transparent stockings…unmistakable “do me” eyes…sitting on what is basically a Gothic casting couch.
I take back what I said last week. Pretty sure Dateline would shelve that episode under Was Totally Asking For It.

I know they don’t go to Mars. Let’s don’t pretend the “plot” of the original was really dependent on being on Mars – it was a planet sized McGuffin. But I don’t think anyone born after 1995 is going to want to see a mind-fuck movie starring Bullseye.

I saw that too. My hopes were up until I saw the critics that have posted so far; they’re largely from sites like IGN, SFX Magazine, and FEARnet. Seems like they might be deliberately screening certain critics for better early buzz. They did something similar with GI Joe, where it had something like a 92 RT rating a week or two ahead of time. I hope I’m wrong. The Evil Dead + The Truman Show seems like an interesting concept.

I kind of get why Chris Rock has a baby strapped to his chest what with the two other crumb snatchers in the double stroller. Here’s the thing though. What the hell is wrong with the other three douchequeefs? Wearing your kid as a fanny pack while pushing an empty stroller?

The problem with the movie holograms are that they are always transparent and dark as fuck. If they made that shit in real life, it would look so much better. Hollywood is shit when it comes to computer visual design.