Ohio Gov. John Kasich recently opened up
to members of the business community about his wish list for 2014. Much
like last year, our governor is interested in finding tax cuts and
reducing personal-income tax. In the past, Kasich has proposed radical
ideas such as reducing the number of years it takes to get a four-year
degree from four to three. Providing a glimpse into a future where
education funds are cut while tax shelters for the rich are made more
lucrative, Kasich explained that, “It’s a sin not to help people who
need help ... my mother told me this, and frankly it’s biblical as well.
It’s also a sin to continue to help people who need to learn how to
help themselves.” This pleased Ohioans everywhere and made them more at
ease knowing that one of the most influential people in the state relies
on wisdom from his mom and the Bible when making decisions. The
reasoning behind giving credence to these sources of information is
rooted in accepting that moms know a lot of stuff and the Bible is good
to reference when making vague comments about how poor people are
aggravating.

McDonald’s Shuts Down McResource After Running Out of Jokes

Instead of trying to think of new ways to
insult their employees for being poor via the Internet, McDonald’s has
opted to pull the plug on its McResource Line employee help website. The
site gained notoriety when it advised employees to break their food up
into smaller pieces so they would feel full quicker and to sell their
possessions on Craigslist to get some scratch together. The last straw
for the site came after it was leaked that the McResource Line warned
employees about the dangers of eating fast food. Having run out of ways
to make workers feel bad about their wages and the product they serve
for the time being, McDonald’s IT team has shifted its efforts to
installing a slide-whistle noise effect to accompany the click that
takes employees to view their paychecks online.

Atlanta Takes Bold Steps to Combat Peeing in Train Stations

Large cities don’t have any bathrooms,
and this situation, coupled with drinking a lot of alcohol, can result
in citizens having to pee while using public transportation.

Atlanta’s
public transit authority, MARTA, is trying to crack down on the worst
kind of people who pee in public places — those who do so in elevators.
Escalators and elevators across Atlanta are being fitted with urine
detection devices, or UDDs. Sensors across elevator floors will be
installed, so as soon as urine is detected an alarm sounds, alerting
MARTA police officers to the scene immediately. It is hoped that more
rapid responses coupled with the use of emerging technologies will make
using Atlanta’s public transit system a more enjoyable and pee-free
experience. Residents are leery of the UDDs and afraid of being targeted
just for having stepped in pee somewhere earlier and ending up with
criminal charges because of it. Early feedback from MARTA officers
suggests that while catching more public urinators is the principal
benefit of the new program it is also the biggest drawback.

Teacher Who Now Needs Job Believes Nation Doesn’t Need Another Black President

A teaching job is likely to be opening
soon at the Fairfield Freshman School after science teacher Gil Voigt
was suspended for getting all David Allan Coe about who belongs in the
White House and who doesn’t. Science teachers are known more for being
awkward and unable to interact with students than for being big old
racists, so it came as quite a surprise to Fairfield City Schools when
it came to light that in response to a black student saying he wanted to
be president one day, the now-fired instructor tried to explain that
the nation doesn’t need another black president. Discouraging the lofty
aspirations of our nation’s youth on basis of race or gender is frowned
upon in the educational community, and largely the reason for this man’s
dismissal. The terminated employee has 10 days to request a hearing to
dispute the personnel action. In advance of next week’s deadline, the
embattled teacher is working diligently to prepare a series of pie-chart
diagrams that thoroughly explain the appropriate proportions of black
people in different professional sectors throughout all three branches
of government.

Ohio’s Public Safety Department Shines Light on People Who Drink and Drive Like Way Too Much

In an effort to better monitor Ohio
drivers who have racked up five or more DUI convictions in the past two
decades, the public safety department has expanded its online database
to be more comprehensive. The update was made after reports indicated
that the registry only contained information from courts in around half
of the counties in Ohio. The update resulted in the number of names on
the list growing from around 400 to 5,300. Despite the exponential
increase in the number of Ohio residents who are now in the system, the
safety department urged the public to celebrate this recent update
rather than wonder how it is possible for people who have been caught
drunk driving once every four years for the past 20 years to still be
allowed on the road.

Beyonce Samples Audio from Historically Terrible Incident

Pop star Beyonce has come under scrutiny
for her bizarre decision to incorporate audio samples from the space
shuttle Challenger disaster into a love song on her new album. Most
people haven’t figured out how sampling a national tragedy that claimed
the lives of seven astronauts works into romantic overture, but the song
“XO” begins with NASA public affairs officer Steve Nesbitt’s voice
saying, “Flight controllers here looking very carefully at the
situation. Obviously a major malfunction.” Many have decried this
artistic choice as insensitive and hurtful. Beyonce’s representatives
responded that it’s not like she was singing, “If You Liked It Then You
Should Have Put O-Rings on It” and that people are overreacting as
usual.