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Radio Silence

I figured out recently why book three has fought me so hard, and why I've kept radio silence on some critical issues: I'm depressed, a lot more than I thought, and for some time now. If I haven't answered something you've asked me, that's why. Not an excuse but an explanation. I'm trying to clear things up and get straight.

I can tell this mood is starting to break up because in the last few days book three finally sorted its structure out in a logical way. Today, for the first time in months, I feel as if I can work. Until recently, sitting down in front of the IHGK and/or DIC Scrivener files has resulted in actual panic attacks.

You're supposed to write through times of no inspiration, but I think this has been bigger than "no inspiration." Those of you who've been with me since the "old days" remember when I was diagnosed with bipolar two a few years ago. I'm on meds and am generally a WHOLE lot better than I was, but sometimes the brain chemistry goes awry. I think this is one of those times; it's just taken a while to see it because it's not the spectacular crash-and-burn of pre-diagnosis days--NASCAR had nothin' on me.

And also last year there were some definite situational depression triggers; I was sick or recovering from surgery for three months of the twelve. A confluence of suck, in other words.

Comments

I'm thinking about you, Mei! Your writing and the community here got me through some tough times, and I hope that you find yourself in a good place soon I'm so glad to hear that you feel like the rough patch is breaking up. All the best!

That kind of depression is incredibly hard to recognize, because you are not in the pits of despair, and it doesn't massively impair your functioning in the same way. For me things slipped out of control so slowly that I lacked the awareness to know it wasn't just an old pattern repeating itself until I intentionally failed a class at college. Like, just woke up one day and decided to stop going to it. I didn't have the energy. And then I still didn't do anything, and it took about two years altogether to turn into a major depressive episode and for me to talk to my doctor.

I am glad you have the self awareness to know before it reaches that point. Don't push yourself too hard, okay?