ACT 01: HANG
ON SHINJI, LET ME SWITCH ON THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT CARES

Like many sensible things, the story started at the
beginning.

It was Wednesday, one o'clock. Misato was at home by
herself, drinking beer and watching Survivor.

"The tribe has spoken," Jeff Probst proclaimed
gravely, smothering the losing contestant's flame with a coconut shell. "You
have ten seconds to make good your escape."

The man didn't get far. The remaining players, all
starving, pounced on the man and plunged him into the cauldron of boiling
water. Misato reflected on Survivor's
increased popularity ever since the producers had upped the stakes by refusing
the contestants any kind of food, water, adequate shelter or warmth whatsoever
and landing all the losers into the cooking pot.

"Out of the frying pan and into the fire," the NERV
Major commented as the man's screams faded into a commercial about mouthwash.

She rose to her feet and, like a military SCUD
missile headed straight for a children's hospital, she aimed directly for the
fridge. Opening it, she revealed her own personal alcoholic treasure trove, a
hoard that would put Smaug of the Lonely Mountain to shame.

She glanced about. "All right," she snapped,
planting her hands on her hips. "I'm Major Misato Katsuragi of NERV and I've
had several reports of Yebisu-related disturbances in this area. I'm going to
have to take you into custody."

She grabbed an armful of beer, cracked open several
at once and poured the liquid down her throat. "No," she growled at the beer as
if in reply to an unheard question. "You don't
get a trial. I'm judge, jury and executioner. And you're guilty, Yebisu
scum!"

She downed another.

Suddenly the telephone rang and Misato sighed,
disliking being interrupted from her Yebisu fantasies. She tossed her beer can
over her shoulder and out the window, brutally blasting a hapless sparrow from
its perch in a storm of feathers. It plummeted ten stories to the ground,
unconscious, and landed humourously in an open manhole cover.

Misato picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

Makoto Hyuga was sweating heavily and frantically
slamming his fingers down on the buttons of his MAGI terminal, alarms wailing
in his ears and klaxons blaring angrily at him from all sides. His desperately
writhing figure was bathed in a pulsing, sickly red light and there was smoke
pouring and sparks spitting and hissing at him from his workstation. The words
TERMINAL SHUTDOWN--YOUR DEATH IMMINENT scrolled across the screen in blood red
letters before his terrified eyes.

"Major Katsuragi!" Hyuga screamed into the
telephone. "My God, why aren't you at work!? We're all about to die!!"

Misato cracked open another beer and took a sip.
"I'm at home, silly. I decided to blow work off today."

"What!?"
Hyuga choked out in a hysterical voice, flames beginning to lick at him from
the computer. The walls around him began to vibrate with an extremely
disturbing whine. The whole room began to shake. SEVEN… SIX… FIVE… "Major, for
the love of God, you have to help me!!"

"Isn't there anyone else in Central Dogma who can
help you?" Misato asked pleasantly.

Hyuga paused for a moment and glanced about him. The
whole complex was empty. "There's no-one else in sight!" FOUR… THREE… Pipes and
heavy machinery groaned and wrenched themselves away from the ceiling and
crashed to the floor, missing the tech by inches. Steam began to hiss at him
from all directions, making him splutter helplessly.

"Well, sorry Hyuga," Misato sighed, tapping her beer
can idly as she cradled the phone in the crook of her neck. "I'm having a
sickie today."

"Dear God, I'm about to die!" Hyuga's insane, trembling voice matched his wild, haunted
eyes, locked on the readout that said DEATH PREDICTION: HIDEOUS. "Then I have
to tell you something, Major Katsuragi!"

Misato sighed again. Hyuga was a nice guy, but she
really wasn't in the mood to baby him all the time. She dropped her beer to the
floor and lazily watched the contents spill out, forever ruining the carpet
Shinji had fussily imported for four hundred thousand yen and installed all by
himself over a back-breaking, soul-destroying three week period.

Sadly, the carpet was about to become irrelevant in
the grand scheme of things, because soon it would meet an agonizing and fiery
doom. Unbeknownst to Misato, Pen-Pen had spent the morning behind the couch
lighting pretty little fires.

Glancing warily over his shoulders, the arctic
waterfowl felt his heart thumping as he pulled out another match. Holding his
breath in anticipation, he struck it and stared in rapt attention as the
beautiful little spark danced and writhed. Pen-Pen felt his arousal grow as his
mind clouded in a hedonistic swirl and a particular part of his avian anatomy
began to swell when the licking flames grew brighter.

Pen-Pen was a very disturbed little bird.

He swallowed carefully, not wanting to harm the
flame… the flame was so beautiful… it must never die…

Yes. Pen-Pen was in love with the flame.

Then he accidentally dropped it and the effect was
similar to napalm on a Vietnamese peasant's crops. Before the bird could even
quell his thermal expansion, flames thundered and crackled up the walls and
across the floor, devouring everything in sight.

* * *

Meanwhile, at a certain Tokyo-3 school, classes had
just ended for the day.

"Class dismissed," croaked the ancient sensei as he
lay back down and feebly pulled the coffin lid over him like a blanket.

"Goodbye, sensei!" smiled Asuka Langley Sohryu as
she walked past the coffin, giving it a sharp rap on the lid. "See you
tomorrow!"

"Go away!" the living corpse within it groaned
pitiably, fervently wishing for a freak viral outbreak to strike the classroom
like the hammer of God. "I hate my life!"

The students wandered out. Asuka turned to her
companion, Shinji Ikari and grabbed his ear in a vicelike grip.

"So, slimebag, what are you doing tonight?"

Shinji pondered the answer as Asuka twisted his
ears, squirting blood and pus all over the footpath.

"Homework, I guess."

"You're so boring, Ikari," Asuka snorted,
flicking her red hair over her shoulder, lashing Shinji painfully across the
face in a movement that left him many deep, bloody cuts.

"Come on, I'm sure Shinji can be interesting when he
wants to be," chided Hikari, coming up behind them with Touji Suzahara and
Kensuke Aida.

"Oh sure he can!" retorted Asuka sarcastically,
quick as lightning whipping her hand and clasping a passing fly between her
fingers.

"Damn," it cursed, struggling valiantly but to no
avail.

Asuka casually started pulling the wings off the
screaming bug's back. "Ikari's about as much fun as an instruction manual!"

"He is not!" frowned Kensuke, pushing his glasses up
his nose. He had lovingly added a fresh Band-Aid to the bridge between the
lenses just this morning, as well as four new ballpoint pens to his right shirt
pocket. "I've read some great instruction manuals…"

"Hey!" interrupted Shinji, annoyed as he pulled an
instant ramen cup from his schoolbag. "I've been known to have fun before!
Excitement practically follows me around like a fart at a party."

"Oh, really?"
sneered Asuka, cocking her head on the side and accidentally twisting one of
the fly's legs off, causing it to bellow in agony. "Okay, make a joke then, Third
Child!"

Shinji muttered and absently used his chopsticks to
poke at the cup of overcooked ramen. Asuka snickered victoriously and,
detaching the maimed body of the insect from her fingertips, she flicked it
into her companion's meal. Shinji sighed sadly, and knowing that he could not
win these confrontations, just continued to eat.

"Oh Jesus, nooo!"
cried the pitiful voice of the fly as it was ground between Shinji's teeth.

"See?" Asuka said smugly, crossing her arms as the
group walked. "He's too lame to do anything fun."

Shinji glared at her with yellowed, bloodshot eyes
reminiscent of the Nemesis from Resident Evil 3. The Third Child muttered again
under his breath, just loud enough for Asuka to catch it.

"Mmwhatwasthat?"
she screeched, spinning to face him. Embarrassed, Shinji coughed, sending the
fly shooting down onto the concrete footpath, where it lay moaning just before
Asuka brought the full force of her heel down onto it. There was a crunch and a roar of pain.

"What-did-you-say?" Asuka said dangerously,
narrowing her eyes.

"He called you a cat boner," Touji supplied
helpfully, turning smugly to face her. He had his trouser zipper down halfway
and had stuck his finger down his pants and through the hole. He had been
amusing himself with this all day.

"I know he
called me a cat boner!" Asuka yelled angrily, planting her hands on her hips. "Why?"

Nervously, Shinji looked for a way out as Asuka
advanced upon him. "I… um… hey, I thought of a joke!" he tried weakly.

Asuka's eyes narrowed.

"Well… um… there's a penguin. And he's driving his
car but it breaks down, right?"

"Yeah," prompted Touji.

"And he takes it to the repair place. The penguin
says to the guy, 'You fix my car. I'm going to the shop.' So the penguin leaves
his car and goes to the mall, where he has an ice cream. He doesn't know but he
gets a bit of it on his beak."

Asuka tapped her foot impatiently.

"So," Shinji went on hurriedly, "the penguin goes
back to the repair shop and says to the mechanic, 'You fixed my car? And the
mechanic says to him, 'Looks like you blew a seal.' So the penguin wipes his
mouth and says, 'No, it's just a little ice cream.'"

There was a heavy silence. Then came a feeble laugh.
Five pairs of eyes went to the brutalized fly on the footpath.

"Heh, heh, heh…" it chuckled weakly before it's eyes
darted upwards. "Noo!" it screamed in
terror as Asuka pointed a match and a deodorant can at it before bathing the
wretch in flames. The tiny insect rolled around on the ground, howling in
torment, suffering horribly.

"I've heard that one before," snarled Asuka, and
continued to walk.

"Mmm. That was as weak as a baby fart, Ikari,"
Kensuke said wisely.

"Like you could do better," snorted Asuka.

"I could," Kensuke retorted defensively.

The redhead grinned savagely at the thought of
breaching the walls of Fort Kensuke and slaughtering the natives living there.
"I'll bet you three day's pay that you can't make me laugh."

Kensuke cackled evilly as he realised he had a
chance at sinking the SS Asuka with an Aida-powered torpedo – he didn't have a
job, so there was no way he could lose. Like a lamb to the slaughter, he took
the bait.

"You're on," he said.

"So let's hear the joke," Asuka demanded.

"Hmm. Okay. This'll blow your mind. Two peanuts are
walking down the street, right? One was assaulted… peanut."

"So, Shinji," Touji said cheerfully, spinning to
face him as he thrust out his groin. He curled his finger up and stretched it
out again, grinning.

Shinji stared at it coldly. "Yes?"

"Are you coming out with me and Kensuke later? He
says he has something to show us."

"Sure," the Third Child shrugged.

"Can't you give us a hint as to what it is?" Touji
said with a frown, moving over to his shorter friend and stroking his upper leg
with the… finger… sticking through his zipper.

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing!?"
Kensuke yelled in a huff, waving away the roving appendage. It went limp in
disappointment. "I'm not telling, all right? It's a surprise!"

"A surprise?" repeated Hikari brightly. "Can I come
and see it?"

Touji's finger instantly went stiff again.

"Nah." Asuka nudged her knowingly. "We should go
shopping at the mall."

"Yeah, okay," Hikari agreed.

The finger went so limp so quickly it was almost
depressing. Shinji tore his eyes away from the spectacle and for the first time
noticed smoke rising in the distance. He frowned.

* * *

The group arrived at Misato's flat to find that it
now resembled Ritsuko's ashtray on a larger scale, minus any gigantic
cigarettes. The Major herself was standing out on the street holding a sack,
with a few onlookers nearby as well as some firemen who were valiantly trying
to hose down the roaring flames that engulfed their apartment. Misato was
eyeing them lecherously.

"Misato! What the hell happened?" screamed Asuka
madly as they ran up.

"There's a fire," her guardian replied
unnecessarily, before grinning. "But don't worry. I got all of our important
stuff out in time!" She indicated the sack.

"And my favourite English Premier League video, the
one where Manchester United loses 6-3 to Southampton?" continued Asuka.

"Um…"

"And my Goosebumps
books?" put in Shinji. Asuka glanced over at him disgustedly.

"Why do you read those lame books?" she snorted.

"Well, the Fear
Street series is for older teens, due to low violence and mild sexual
references," Shinji pondered. He looked up, annoyed. "And anyway, Goosebumps is a fine series of complex
literature that's rich in themes and style for any serious connoisseur of the
horror genre…"

"Hmm, yes, How
I Got My Shrunken Head really makes R.L. Stine look like today's Edgar
Allan Poe or H.P. Lovecraft, doesn't it?" Asuka asked sarcastically. "The
eternal question: should you read The
Lurker at the Threshold or Revenge of
the Snowman?" She turned away and began rummaging through Misato's sack.

"That one was really scary!" Shinji cried, breaking
out into a cold sweat just from thinking about it.

"Um… before you do that…" Misato tried weakly.

"Well, there's two hundred pairs of bras and
panties, some NERV-issue uniforms, a whole bunch of frilly and revealing
clothes, a booklet of vouchers redeemable for Yebisu, romance novels, a laptop,
a slightly irate warm-water penguin…" Asuka narrowed her eyes. "In fact, if I
didn't know better, this whole sack is filled with your belongings, Misato."

"Rubbish," Misato huffed quickly. "It's filled with
the bare essentials of living, nothing more. It's all I could save."

"The bare essentials?" Asuka echoed incredulously.
"Misato, I really don't think that The
Millionaire's Seduction is a requirement of basic human survival!"

"You could have made a better effort…" Shinji
whined, wistfully calling up fond memories of Russell Crowe and R.L. Stine.

"I can't do everything. Who do I look like, Optimus
Prime?" snapped Misato.

"Well, in Beast
Wars he was a gorilla," snickered
Asuka.

"Hey!"

"Look, let's forget about it now," interjected
Shinji, the eternal mediator. "Where are we going to live?"

Asuka grinned wickedly and brandished a fireman's
axe. "Much better, I see the relevance now. After all, he died in The Transformers Movie..."

"Bumblebee?" Misato said quickly.

"He was just a dweeb Volkswagen," Asuka frowned as
she jerked her thumb over her shoulder at her companion. "Shinji would be
better as Bumblebee."

"Then you're Soundwave," Shinji muttered under his
breath.

"Whaaat!?"

"Maybe I should call Ritsuko," Misato said.

* * *

When the telephone started to ring, Doctor Ritsuko
Akagi grumbled as she released her hold on the latest Rei clone, cursing as it
slithered gleefully into the sink and down the plughole.

"Damn, it's free!" she snarled, wiping her hands on
a teatowel as the Rei clone's echoing laughter drifted back up the drain and
into her ears. "Well, I hope it likes its freedom brown and sludgy, because
that pipe links up to the sewerage drain."

A smug grin crept over her face as the clone's
dismayed cry floated back up to her, followed by a very wet sounding splat. She
turned and picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, Ritsu! It's me."

"Oh... Misato. Hi."

"Watcha doin'?"

"Just dropped a clone down the plughole," Ritsuko
sighed.

"Uh?" Misato sounded confused.

"Was there something you wanted?" the scientist
asked irritably.

"Yeah... um... I have some bad news."

* * *

"I can't believe you'd be so irresponsible!" Ritsuko
fumed as she stamped around the NERV cafeteria. Shinji and Asuka were seated
side by side at a table with Pen-Pen, watching her warily. Misato looked
suitably abashed.

"I'm sorry," Misato sighed dully.

"How could you be such a... such a... cat boner!?" she exploded. Asuka started
in recognition of the strange insult.

She led the troupe through the winding corridors.
They passed several nondescript offices, some vending machines and a couple of
cloning tanks that were home to creatures that vaguely resembled a cross
between Paul Shaeffer from the CBS Orchestra and the Ugnaughts from Star Wars.

Shinji glanced at a sign that had a smiling
scientist on it and a tagline that read NERV
- a friendly and easygoing organisation! and another right next to it with
a cold-eyed soldier wielding a machinegun in one hand and a ghurka knife with a
human spine hanging off it in the other, and a tagline reading No trespassing, violators will be killed
indiscriminately.

"Right here," Ritsuko said, opening the door that
led to the huge chamber that housed the MAGI supercomputers.

"Oh, Semmm-pai,
is that you-ou?" called Maya Ibuki in
a singsong voice from an her workstation.

Ritsuko didn't even spare her a glance. She stormed
over and planted herself in front of a MAGI terminal. "Maya!" she snapped.
"Someone's put all these flowers and chocolates and crap on my desk! Throw them
out right away! They'll get in the way of my..." here she stopped and sighed
sensually, running her hands smoothly down her body. "Tests."

"Oh... take these too," Ritsuko added absently,
passing her slightly disgruntled assistant some large, heart-shaped balloons
that said Sempai, Will U B Mine??

"Of course," grated Maya, grabbing the offending objects
and stamping out of the room, pushing past a surprised Shinji and Asuka.

"Okay," Ritsuko said, turning around. "MAGI! Coffee,
black, twelve sugars!" There was a whir, the sound of gears grinding and
engines thrumming, and soon a little trapdoor on the workstation opened and a
paper cup filled with coffee ascended from the depths of the MAGI's operating
system.

"Neat," commented Shinji.

"Technology of God in action," agreed Ritsuko,
sipping her coffee. "Ah. I like my coffee like I like my men."

"What... hot, strong and sweet?" Misato winked
knowingly.

Ritsuko frowned. "No. Ground into powder and
liquefied."

"Oh," Misato said carefully.

"Right," Ritsuko said directly, fingers flying
across the keyboard. "I'll see if I can find you an empty apartment nearby."

"Thanks, Ritsu," Misato said gratefully as Maya
slunk back into the room and pretended to look at some reports.

"I see." Ritsuko sighed heavily. "Maybe you should
ask the Commander for a NERV grant."

"Hey, yeah!" Misato brightened.

* * *

Misato opened the door that led to the dimly lit
interior of the Commander's office. The giant logo glowed in the semi-darkness:
NERB. A typing error in the NERV construction plans had led to this misprint
being repeated all over the Geo-Front.

"...and that's why you'll never make full Commander,
Fuyutsuki," Gendo Ikari was explaining casually. He was seated in his trademark
ergonomic Commander's posture.

Kouzou Fuyutsuki gnashed his teeth. "Yes, sir," he
ground out. He was standing behind Ikari, not actually doing anything but
doubtless he was significant in the grand scheme of things anyway. "Sir...
Major Katsuragi is here."

"Ah. Major." Ikari quickly slipped on his white gloves
to hide both the Angel embryo embedded in his hand and his red nail polish. He
also crossed his fingers in front of his face, masking his lipstick. "What is
it?"

"Commander," Misato said woodenly. "Please look at
this." She slid a sheet of A4 paper across the desk towards the Commander, who
picked it up and scanned it.

"Interesting," he commented. "Futski, what do you
make of this?"

"It's Fuyutsuki,
sir," the elderly man reminded his superior, fighting to keep his voice steady.
He leaned over Ikari's shoulder, wishing he hadn't put the g-string on earlier,
and raised his eyebrows as he snatched the paper and gazed at it. "Hmm. You've
burned your flat down? And you need money?"

"Yes, sir," Misato nodded.

Fuyutsuki snorted. "What are you, some kind of communist?
There's no 'equal share for everyone' around here, Major Katsuragi. This is
NERV. Take your evil beliefs back to Australia or wherever, you godless Red..."

Misato stared straight ahead, choosing not to remark
to that. "I was under the impression that employees could gain some kind of
benefit, sir..."

"It is true that we have a large savings account for
such emergencies," Gendo commented casually. "A metaphorical sock under the
grimy, lice-ridden mattress that is NERB."

"NERV," hissed his subordinate.

"However," Ikari continued, ignoring him, "I believe
that Fuyutsuki here has been sneaking small amounts out of it every now and
again. Buying sweets and so forth."

"No I bloody well didn't!" Fuyutsuki replied hotly.

"Did."

"Didn't!"

"I am not playing this game," Gendo told him
sternly. "Trust me, Fuyutsuki, if NERB…"

"NERV."

"…was
communist, my secret police would have had you disappear long ago for your
heinous crimes."

Fuyutsuki blinked. "But we have secret police."

Gendo frowned. "I'm sorry?"

"Those men with the black shades and suits and guns
that walk around being gruff and ominous...?"

Ikari snorted. "I believe that is their idea of
'under cover'. They are journalists. Ever since Bill Gates got down on one knee
and proposed to MAGI Balthasar they've been all over the place, looking for
pictures. Typical paparazzi."

The older man snickered. "Ah yes. Was that part of your scenario, Ikari? The
old men at SEELE sure won't be happy with..."

"Yes, yes, I know," the Commander interrupted
irritably. "You say that exact line every time an Angel attacks or an Eva goes
berserk. I think I have the general
gist of it now, thank you."

Fuyutsuki muttered sulkily to himself.

"And yes, it is
in my scenario. As soon as Balthasar and Gates marry, I will have digital photos
released to the press of him cheating, they will divorce, and we will demand a
payout from Microsoft."

Fuyutsuki laughed grimly. "So which PC has he been
cheating with? I know he has a thing for Pentiums..."

Shaking his head, Ikari spoke with satisfaction
evident in his voice. "Not at all. Hewlett-Packard with a ten-gig hard drive,
overclocked..."

"My God..."

Ikari nodded. "Yes, he's quite the player, isn't
he?"

"Even with a babe as hot as Balthasar. I mean it can
process a trillion commands a
second."

"Oh yes, Mr Bill Gates actually has quite a dark
side to him. Though I hear he doesn't have much of a hard drive himself."

"Oh?"

"Yes, he apparently gives new meaning to the term
three-and-a-half inch floppy..."

Misato listened in despair as the conversation took
ever more bizarre twists and turns. "Um... sirs?" she ventured. "About the
money...?"

"Oh yes," frowned Ikari as he turned to his direct
subordinate. "Well, if it wasn't sweets, what did you spend it on, then?"

"Beer and hookers," explained Fuyutsuki.

"I see," Ikari said through narrowed eyes, then
shrugged. "Fair enough." He turned to Misato. "There is your answer, Major. You
cannot have any of NERV's money on account of Vice Commander Fuyutsuki needing
it for his boozing and whoring."

Misato swallowed nervously. "Yes... sir... um... are
you sure that I couldn't have just a little bit...?"

"Get out!" shrieked the Commander in a high-pitched
voice, leaping to his feet and waving his hands.

"Sir!" Misato quickly dashed from the room.

The two Commanders watched her go.

"This was not
in the scenario," Ikari remarked coolly as he 'assumed the position' beneath
the NERB logo once again.

"What was that problem you had this morning, Hyuga?"
Ritsuko inquired vaguely, refilling her coffee.

"Oh yes, the MAGI went crazy and almost blew up the
Geo Front." Hyuga brightened as he tried to get Misato's attention, and failed.
"I fixed it at the last second, though. It was quite ingenious. You see, I got
it to..."

"Silence!" roared Ritsuko, causing the bespectacled
man's jaw to snap shut, almost severing his tongue. Which would have been bad,
because it would have landed in Misato's coffee, and he never would have had a chance with her then.

"Ma'am!" squeaked Hyuga.

"NERV cannot afford that kind of incompetence,"
Ritsuko growled. "I'm docking the other half of your pay this month. I hope
that's no inconvenience, but you have to be taught a lesson."

"Ma'am," Hyuga replied faintly. He staggered
slightly and fought to keep his balance. "It's all right. I can eat my shoes...
if I cut them up thinly then maybe they'll last..."

"Are you still here, you cat boner?" roared Misato.
The miserable specimen of humanity fled from the room.

"Let's just go to our new home, Misato," Shinji said
dejectedly.

"Good idea," nodded Ritsuko. "Now I'm sure I don't
have to tell you that I expect you to figure this mess out by yourselves. I
want you back here tomorrow for a progress report."

* * *

Misato Katsuragi was soon striding down the middle
of the concrete footpath with a determined expression on her face. Shinji
Ikari, Asuka Langley Sohryu and Pen-Pen were trying hard to keep up with their
guardian. Their new apartment lay on the other side of town and coincidentally,
the other side of the poverty line.

The Major kept her gun in plain sight as they
hurried through the less-than-reputable neighbourhood. It was a cold, grimy,
colourless place, filled with graffitti, car wrecks and the kind of people who
would never get a spot on Temptation
Island but who would definitely keep the nightly news interesting.

"Right," said Misato firmly as she marched, pushing
a one-legged beggar roughly aside. Shinji was hauling their few remaining
possessions on his shoulders in duffel bags and Pen-Pen was waddling along
beside them like a sentient bowling pin. "Both of you are to get jobs,
understand? That's an order. We have to move back home as soon as possible.
Besides, we need more colostomy bags."

"Shinji, I hardly think that comparing a
five-minute, clay animation children's show from Britain to real life is all
that fair."

"I'm not stooping to working with the common
rabble!" proclaimed Asuka haughtily.

"You stooped to working with Shinji, just like the
rest of us," Misato pointed out.

"Hey!"

"That's just convenience," the redhead retorted.
"After all, who knows when I might need a human shield or something? I wouldn't
want my Eva's paint scratched. It's bad for public relations. Plus they can
always strip Unit-01 down for spare parts to put in my Eva."

"Hmm," Asuka mused thoughtfully as Shinji regained a
measure of his meager self-respect and puffed his scrawny chest out proudly.
"Weren't bodyguards supposed to be eunuchs in the old days?"

"Misato, Asuka can take care of herself," Shinji
said quickly as he deflated faster than a balloon at a McDonald's birthday
party.

"Maybe you should get a job as a bodyguard for
someone else then," Misato said.

"I don't know..."

"Or, you can always sell your body, like last time,
Shinji," Misato grinned as an elderly couple passed by. The woman gasped and
fell to the ground feebly clutching her heart while the man froze on the spot
and then groaned out a plea for someone to change his Depend. "Those scientific
experiments were very profitable,"
Misato continued unfazed, patting Shinji companionably on the shoulder. He
shrugged, considering.

Asuka snorted. "Misato, I don't think Shinji should
sell himself like that any more. Didn't they say last time that if they kept
fiddling with him there was a danger of biological meltdown?"

Shinji sighed sadly as he gazed into his reflection
in a shop window and absently flexed his impressive pectoral muscles, the
result of a previous experiment. "That's right," he said. "I don't know... I'll
think of something. I've already spent the money from that Vogue shoot..."

They rounded a corner and gazed up at the crumbling
apartment building. It was red brick, the colour of a Crayola red brick crayon.
"We're here," Misato said.

Asuka stared miserably up at their new home, which
was even worse up close. "Well, let's invite the President and break out the
champagne and red carpet," she sighed. "Because it's going to be one hell of a
party tonight."

______________________________________

Heya! Thought ya'd got rid of me, didn't you? Well,
not-so-hot-on-the-heels of my last fanfic, Evangelion: All Is Right With the
World, comes this… thing. If you read that fic, you might have noticed that
I mentioned doing this, and yes, it has been in production since that time. I
got into University, though, and dumb things like essays and the need to
succeed in life have been getting in the way of doing more important things,
like fanfiction.

Not that I expect this to be a masterpiece, or even very
good, that is. The main reason I wrote this was to practice my writing and to
see if I could even do a comedy. Unplugged is in five parts, and they're all
finished, so expect the wait to be short. That could be a good or a bad thing,
depending on whether you like this. Reviews? Not worth it? Okay, fair enough.
Hmm. All right. Talking to myself, here. I'm going now.

Take it easy,

RENEGADE

=The Underground Empire=
" May Odd Grant Us Strength"

Disclaimer: Oh, sure, sure, I own a multi-million dollar
animation company and one of the most popular anime shows in the world. Yeah,
why do you ask?

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted.