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30 September 2006

It was gloomy and quiet in the emperor's palace in Constantinople since the evening of September 26, when the mail pigeon with a message from the Ottoman Sultan arrived.

The message reader clerk that was summoned by His Majesty to read the message, reported lately that it was at the following paragraph

Guided by the principles of Islam, the religion of moderation, tolerance, recognition of the other and all revealed religions, the Ministers believe that it is befitting to the Emperor to retract or redress the said statement, in demonstration of the correct spirit of Christianity in dealing with Islamic issues.

that the Emperor "lost it completely", as the clerk put it. "He broke three priceless vases of Venetian glass, and then threw on the floor the unique Tupperware set he received the other day from the Russian ambassador and jumped on it... yes, simply jumped on it!" whispered the awed clerk.

Today the emperor summoned his Foreign Minister and sent him on a mission that will encompass all Muslim capitals of the world and includes wallowing in the mud, tearing hair, abasing self in any way required by the hosts and generally showing the deepest humiliation humanly (and inhumanly) possible.

"I simply cannot take it any more, Stavros," said the emperor embracing his loyal Minister after handing him a protective suit (for wallowing), knees and elbows protectors (for crawling on stone floors) and soothing balm (for banging forehead on same floors). "Please do your best to satisfy these... these...", the emperor succeeded to say before breaking up in tears.

According to the emperor's favorite chambermaid, he requested that she purchase several burqas in different colors. No member of emperor's household ventured an opinion regarding this strange request so far.

The best way to sell newspapers is by producing noisy headlines - this is commonplace. Sometimes, though, zeal of the editor may lead to a headline that really does not do justice to the article it leads. Take this one, for example:

No buts about it - the headline gets the desired attention. The article, however, is not exactly supporting the headline.

A dream researcher from John F. Kennedy University in California has discovered fundamental differences between the dream worlds of people on the ideological left and the ideological right.

Unquestionably interesting. For a person without a fixed political affiliation who is more concerned with having a good time, the article could become a turning point in his/her life. I would not recommend this article as a prime recruiting tool for conservatives on the strength of the headline alone.

The researcher took a look at several aspects of dreaming as reported by liberals and conservatives.

Among his findings, Kelly Bulkeley discovered that liberals are more restless sleepers and have a higher number of bizarre, surreal dreams - including fantasy settings and a wide variety of sexual encounters. Conservatives' dreams were, on average, far more mundane and focused on realistic people, situations and settings.

Out of the 134 liberals who participated in the study, 91 per cent said they recently dreamed about sex; only 76 per cent of 100 conservative subjects admitted the same. But Mr. Bulkeley said the two political stripes showed very different tastes in dream partners.

Liberals were far more likely to have sexual dreams about strangers and a variety of partners, while liberal women showed a greater tendency towards same-sex fantasies than their conservative counterparts (24 versus four per cent).

Liberals showed slightly higher levels of nightmares than conservatives - a statistic at odds with a similar dream study Mr. Bulkeley conducted in the late 1990s.

The study includes some of the dreams recounted by liberals, such as the following nightmare: "I was at a presidential rally where George W. Bush was speaking. There was so much red, white and blue. Bush speaks: 'There are those who say that we are giving up our civil liberties. But I say, we should be proud to sacrifice our freedoms for America!' The crowd went wild, clapping, cheering and waving flags. I awoke in a cold sweat."

Not surprisingly, Republicans had much more benign dreams about their commander-in-chief: "I was friends with George W. Bush and we were working together on his ranch. I was happy to be there."

So, what do we have here? On one hand, conservatives may have a bit less nightmares and generally wake up better rested and refreshed. On the other - their dreams are quite colorless and are mostly from the realm of "more of the same".

Liberals: on one hand, they are a bit more prone to nightmares (not much more, though). Their nightmares are very close to what a conservative will consider a happy dream, as it can be seen from the two examples above . On the other hand, their dreams have a lot of steamy and varied sex encounters, with frequency definitely higher than that of an average person's visits to a cinema or to a video rental.

Taking these differences into account, I would say that the results of this research show a much better chance of a youngster being persuaded to go the liberal way, promised a life of variety and excitement, even if only in the dreamland.

Hmm... Maybe not only a youngster. I cannot say more, what with SWMBO watching over my shoulder here. Enough said...

29 September 2006

How do some people get around so much is a pure mystery to me. But this is how you get to all the good stuff. And here it goes - a superb work by Andre Glucksmann.

In the media, the commemoration of the fifth anniversary of the attacks on New York and Washington often turned into an exorcism seance with George Bush as the perfect whipping boy. When attacks and threats increase, he is to blame. When terrorists here and at the other end of the world engage in unscrupulous murderers, this is his sorry legacy. When in Iraq the faith war swells, when Muslims in Morocco, Algeria, Afghanistan and Indonesia slaughter each other, when Iran builds nuclear weapons, then they don't look for those responsible, it is Bush and Bush again.

No, for feck's sake, we are not Bush supporters. Better read what Glucksmann has to say.

Under this misleading headline Ynet published an article that may contain the answer to the question that bothers many a thinker these days: why cannot Muslim world accept the unending series of apologies from the Pope?

It is true that Sheikh Abu Saqer (a prominent Gaza Strip preacher and leader of Gaza's Jihadia Salafiya Islamic outreach movement) said that "the only Christian-Muslim dialogue that is acceptable is one in which all religions agree to convert to Islam." However, this is not a surprise, after all many other Muslim religious clerics already expressed this opinion, no matter how self-contradictory and stupid it may sound.

But if you read carefully the assorted quotes from Abu Saqer's speech, one peculiar note could not fail to be noticed: the frequent reference to the Pope's size. See here:

little racist pope

small racist

this dwarf pope

This clearly shows that our Sheikh has trouble accepting the Pope's dimensions. He probably expects a much greater size from a religious leader and is disappointed by the current physical manifestation of the pontiff.

We do not know the height or, come to think of it, the weight of the Pope, never considering that there might be a link between girth (to take one dimension) of the pontiff and respect the said pontiff gains with followers of other religions.

Goes a long way to show how Elders influence the brains of some people.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks.

Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Bush says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

28 September 2006

Bunny Wailer is the latest creation of the ZioDomination machine and is the product of years of exhaustive research and development.

The ZioDrone is Pictured here, having just exited the business end of one of our core incubator units, being subjected to rigorous Quality Assurance routines. The digital readout (3,410) represents the device's IQ rating.

Pictured below are two sample core incubators at our secret Raanana plant. Thousands of these incubator units are unwittingly deployed and funded by the Elders, and are programmed periodically during gestation using our Ultrasound data transfer protocol. The core incubator on the left produced Bunny Wailer, while the one on the right is pending extraction.

The high holidays carry with them a high probability of all kind of supernatural phenomena. There is that special feeling of the air being charged by expectation of some otherworld spirit showing itself to mere mortals and pointing out to us the errors of our ways. This is precisely what happened to yours truly the other night.

Some kind of deity descended to me in the middle of the night, and its luminosity was such that it penetrated every corner of my dark soul. Its face was terrible and too frightening to behold, so I didn't behold and thus cannot describe it in details. Suffice to say that I was awed enough to listen to every word. This is the discussion that ensued:

"You, SnoopyTheGoon (some nickname this wretch has chosen) are a sinner. No more are we ready to close our eyes on your wicked ways. If you do not do anything to redeem yourself quickly..."

"Then you are to become the guardian angel of Mulham Assir whom you have dubbed 'the spitting cobra'. We put you in charge of positive criticism of his articles. No more of your cynical nihilistic views, no more of your kneebiting remarks - is it clear? We have perused thethree posts you have written about Mulhie, and this kind of shit must stop. Oh, and you may continue calling him 'the spitting cobra', we rather like this fighting image. And stop kvetching or else."

This is how it came to be that I am saddled with the task of being Mulhie's guardian angel. My role is now to positively criticize and advise him on his articles, and I have chosen four of them for starters.

Bravo, Mulhie! I am especially proud of your masterly usage of the language reading the following:

The only force that can stop Israel and force it to end the carnage against Lebanon, end the Nazi-like camp running of Gaza, to withdraw from all stolen Arab lands that rightfully belong to one group or another of the Arab nation are the people, the Arab nation. The same force, and only that force can help liberate Iraq.

This is the way, man! No mincing your words, no hiding behind false politeness! You show them Zionazis!

You are the first, Mulhie, to suspect and to get out of the closet the super-secret link between Al-Qaeda and the Zionists. Some people might wonder at the turn of speech you are using here:

It is amazing how protean "Al-Zawahiri" and his "Al Qaeda" are in their supposedly immutable goals: they promote sectarian slaughter in Iraq (against the "infidel" shias), but they also wish to help the same "infidels" in Lebanon. The Zionist propaganda machine in Washington hastens to dispel the confusion and patch over the strange inconsistency: the Sunni extremists of Al Qaeda, they tell us, have overcome their hostility towards the shias in the interest of their jihad against Israel.

But you, Mulhie, and I - we both know that the Elders took control of Washington ages ago, and the only reason ZOG does not use Hebrew is purely technical - some people just do not take to this difficult barbaric language.

And your clarity of vision is incomparable - you have got to the bottom of so called "Al-Zawahiri", not to speak about the mythical "Bin Laden" - Zionist agents both, so here. Good job, mate.

A lot of ink has been used in attempts to draw a portrait of the leader of the Lebanese resistance against the Israeli aggression, Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah, and to pinpoint those leadership qualities that explain his incredible achievement, namely, leading the Lebanese resistance forces to push the Israeli war machine out of Lebanon and thwarting this phase of the larger plans of the colonialist superpowers for "a new Middle East."

Some might say, Mulhie, that you went too far with that praise. After all, these Zionist lackey dogs might mention, it is because of Hon. Sheikh Nasrallah that the Israeli war machine got to be in Lebanon in the first place. And that pushing out you hail, they will add, happened only because Condoleezza told them to go away. But you and I, we know better. Don't we?

Our enemies might also claim that the level of brown-nosing you are displaying in this article is beyond merely shameful, it is even vomit-inducing. But again - you and I are both of Levantine origins, and our noses are fairly brown as it is, so a bit of professional brown-nosing will not make a significant change, will it?

This one is the best so far. Your crowning achievement, I swear to Allah. You don't even suspect how close to the truth have you got in this passage:

The only explanation is that this is his offering of repentance for the sins of his youth, hoping for Zionist mercy. It is pathetically futile: the Zionists will never expunge the Hitler Jugend information from his dossier. It is too valuable and will always be held over his head.

Oh, man, if I could only show you that dossier! I mean, leave Hitler Jugend alone - there are some pictures that will blow your mind away as sure as taxes and Ramadan. The first time I have seen it, I have blown my lunch, man...

And of course, mercy is out of the question. Zionists don't know no mercy. People who are taught from the tender age to drink goyim's blood at breakfast time, are not into mercy. Mercy - shmercy, they say.

The United States, Britain, France, Germany, Russia and China have offered Tehran economic and political incentives if it suspends uranium enrichment, which the West believes is part of a nuclear weapons programme.

I can imagine all this back scratching: "Just a bit lower and to the right, here, here, yes, don't stop, please. Ahhh, what a bliss... So, what else can you offer for my peaceful H-bombs?"

Prostitutes and smugglers will give the Greek economy an unexpected boost as their illicit activities will now be counted in the country's official economic output, a senior official said on Wednesday.

So what does this new measure make the Greek PM? Should he be called "madam" from now on? And the interior Minister - does he/she become a chief bouncer?

An illegal Brazilian immigrant at the center of a love triangle with two immigration judges was found guilty on Wednesday of blackmailing one and stealing a sex video from the other. Roselane Driza, 37, of north London, worked over several years for both judges as a cleaner before being fired in 2004. The male judge was named in court only as Judge I and the female as Judge J. She was cleared at the Old Bailey of blackmailing Judge I, a one-time lover who had described her as "real chilli-hot stuff".

One thing is clear from the above text: there is not enough information there. On the other hand, what you see is quite enough for a few hundred pages of a steamy-hot thriller Le Carre could dream about. Mystery, exotic women, sex, court of law and whatnot - a winner if I ever seen one!

Seventy-one percent of Iraqis responding to a new survey favor a commitment by U.S.-led forces in Iraq to withdraw in a year.

Support for attacks on U.S.-led forces has grown to a majority position -- now 6 in 10

So, 71% of Iraqis want U.S. forces to stay for a whole year and 60% want to attack the same forces. Which means that at least 31% of Iraqis want to enjoy the best of all worlds: both to have the U.S. protection and to kill a few Americans! Doesn't it tell something about Iraqis as well as about occupation?

BERLIN, Germany (AP) -- A leading opera house called off a production of Mozart's "Idomeneo" that features the severed head of the Prophet Mohammed, setting off a furious debate Tuesday over Islam, freedom of speech and the role of art.

It seems that the Israeli Ambassador offered a solution that is being considered: instead of the severed head of the Prophet Mohammed, these of Jesus, King David and Ariel Sharon will be used alternatively. Being of Jewish origins, these heads should meet a warm approval from the (potential) Muslim audience.

The flare-up around the interview Clinton gave to Mike Chris Wallace is called a controversy for some reason. I strongly suspect that it is deliberately being made to look like one - to let the mass media have a field day. Meanwhile, left and right both claim a moral victory, and the mudslinging is at its peak.

The whole issue is not worth all the noise - it is admirably resolved by the main protagonists. Here is what Clinton says to Wallace:

So I tried and failed. When I failed, I left a comprehensive anti-terror strategy and the best guy in the country, Dick Clarke, who got demoted.

So, a) a comprehensive anti-terror strategy was passed to Bush and b) Richard Clarke is the best guy in the country. Now let's listen to the best guy in the country:

Um, the first point, I think the overall point is, there was no plan on Al Qaeda that was passed from the Clinton administration to the Bush administration.

Not that the above absolves Clinton's heirs in the office of all responsibility in continued incompetence, bureaucracy and blindness. But it clearly shows that Clinton's administration is at least as guilty of these sins as Bush. Taking into account that Clinton has 8 years versus 8 months given to Bush, the fingerpointing is at least senseless.

Let's assume, for the purpose of the discussion, that you have written an article where:

You declare that Israel today has "the purest Revisionist government in its history". You forget to mention that the same people who are in government now supported the withdrawal from Gaza. That the same people supported that general you love to hate when he became the first Israeli PM supporting the right of Palestinians for a state of their own.

You go into the pedigree of some of the current leaders, automatically ascribing to children the views held by their parents and grandparents. Guilt by association - some Stalinist exercise.

You quote the revisionists, not mentioning that they were a minority in a largely socialist independence movement. And that it was Hagana that was the representative of the majority, not the Irgun.

You bemoan the cruelty of the Jewish terrorists of Irgun who killed a few British soldiers, forgetting to mention that these were the soldiers of the same army that in cold blood has driven away thousands of desperate survivors of the unspeakable bloodshed who tried to find the promised land.

You continue to carp on the wrongs on one side completely omitting the historic background. Imagine somebody describing the destruction of Dresden by Allies without mentioning the WW II and the Nazi atrocities.

You put with obvious relish the following: "Only elements on the far left and some radical Islamists today care to call the Israeli government fascist. And yet..." Of course, your faithful crowd of Guardian regulars does not miss the opportunity to cry "Zionazis" and "Ziofascists" etc. Speak about elements on the far left...

You resort to sentences like "There have indeed been outrageous and indefensible killings of Israeli civilians, but even that raises more questions than it answers." and "It is a platitude to say that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter." Of course, it is not a platitude, it is just a deadly wrong crapola. But much abused by a certain category of "thinkers".

So - assuming that you have written all this indeed, where do you get off and what does all this show?

Simply that you are one Geoffrey Wheatcroft - a thinker that for some reason is too shy to publish at Jewwatch or at BNP place, but otherwise - doing the Der Sturmer proud under auspices of Guardian.

As it was astutely mentioned (by a commenter JimmytheFox):

Bringing Mr Hecht into this Guardian article is masterly, by the way. Were Mr Hecht alive today, he might respond:

"Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock".

26 September 2006

Byzantine emperor Manuel II met yesterday with the emissaries of Turkish Sultan, Egyptian Pasha and several other, less important Muslim ding dignitaries to resolve the outstanding issues.

Reporters from Constantinople Star, Cairo Sphinx, Messopotamia Messenger and other MSM organs were not allowed to be present during the meeting. Due to the exceptional thickness of the meeting room's door, the discussion remained under wraps. The sounds of occasional thuds, dragging of heavy objects and knocking had their source, most probably, in the ongoing repairs activity in the emperor's palace.

The senior emissary, Vizier of Turkey, said after the meeting that it was "constructive, positive and to the point". He refused to be more specific, saying only that the minuscule misunderstanding was resolved to full satisfaction of everyone present. When asked about the slight discoloration on his left cheek and a minor bump on his forehead, his answer was "Oh, just stumbled into a door the other day".

The emperor has chosen not to speak to the press immediately after the meeting. He was seen during his morning audience for the newly arrived Ambassador of Abyssinia, visibly relaxed and clearly in a good mood. "We are getting much closer with my Mohammedan friends," he told the gathered reporters, "I can tell you. I believe that there is nothing that cannot be resolved between two good men over a bottle of good wine."

The British art of understatement found its expression in this article about the British Airways pilot / management decision to press on with the flight despite a fire in one of the engines.

Air traffic controllers monitoring a British Airways jumbo jet were stunned at the pilot's decision to try to "get as far as we can" after an engine caught fire on takeoff, a transcript of discussions between the plane and the control tower revealed.

"Amazed" and "stunned" was the choice of Guardian's reporter. This was regarding the reaction of traffic controllers. The passengers must have been mortified - for the whole duration of this fairly long flight. And the possible reason for this strange decision:

By pressing ahead with the flight, the aircraft avoided a £100,000 bill for delay compensation, though there is no suggestion that this is why this flight went ahead.

I wouldn't mind the valiant RAF pilots protecting me.

But having one in the cockpit of a passenger plane seems to be quite a bad idea. Especially after reading this:

The Air Accident Investigation Branch found that since April 2001, BA had recorded 15 incidents in which jumbo jets continued after an engine had been shut down.

Well, to tell you the truth, all the options above are misleading: the man in the picture is a literary agent for an over-the-hill senile expert in linguistics turned politician:

In other words - a salesman. Not to be derided, since his success in this specific case is beyond any reasonable doubt. Not that he is too choosy about the means used on the way to success. After all, a trip around the world including hot embraces and wet kissing with characters like Mahmoud the Mad, Nasrallah the Groundhog and Fidel the Undead (some tongueing included in the last case) - it takes a staunch man with a lot of willpower. But one should not judge a victor.

There is one small problem with this salesman - for many years he is nurturing a death wish. Every two or three months his intelligence services produce a rumor about another failed attempt by CIA to assassinate their dear salesman leader. For some reason, though, CIA is not enamored by the idea, and so far has not answered the challenge in any active way. Moreover, everyone is so tired by the fake assassinations game that CIA doesn't even bother to deny the rumors lately.

This lack of response, however, only raises the ire of our salesman who has decided to resort to public dirtmouthing his sworn enemy Bush. This in the hope that it may irritate Bush enough for a termination order.

Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez said Saturday that US President George W. Bush may be seeking to kill him for calling him "the devil" at the United Nations.

Too stupid even for a third rate stand-up comedian, you might say. And you will be absolutely right saying this.

Interesting, what will be the next step in this exciting war of insults? Comical Hugo having a dump on the White House lawn in the hope that a Secret Service sniper decides to take a potshot?

24 September 2006

While Jacques Chirac denies this or refuses to confirm that, our valiant agents roaming far and wide have done their considerable best to get to the bottom of the story. And, of course, to connect the dots. The result: here is the main culprit in Osama's demise:

Operation Spinach, which, of course, got a bit out of hand, seems to have achieved the goal - either kill or seriously cripple Osama. The ingenious move by an unnamed security service that, in a moment of enlightenment, decided to cover the attack focused on one individual by hitting several hundreds, does not have peers in the history of clandestine operations.

The choice of weapon - unwashed spinach - is also pointing out to a high level of sophistication. No wonder that nobody in Osama's inner circle suspected anything - who would suspect a few innocent green leaves so readily consumed by followers of all religions?

Of course, a corollary of the case is that Osama was eventually located in Wisconsin, where the vector of operation Spinach clearly pointed: "With 42 cases, Wisconsin has the highest number, according to the FDA." But this is secondary - the fact that the authorities kept their eye on that character all the time is highly comforting.

Another corollary of the story is: boil your vegetables. The taste will go, true, but at least you shall stay alive.

First Lebanese army troops deploy on Israel-Lebanon border (Israel Radio)Yes. And the other day a first group of Hezbollah supporters demonstrated on the border and threw stones at Israeli patrol. No response from the patrol.

Qassam rocket lands in western Negev; no casualties (Haaretz)A good answer to another declaration by Abu Mazen about the end to violence.

U.S. intelligence chief: Iran tries keeping West in the dark on nuclear plan (Reuters)Is it only my impression or US intelligence is eternally angry with people who do not share their secrets with it?

Rice: Iranian refusal to negotiate will trigger Security Council action (Reuters)There is that cannon in a circus. It shoots a clown into a safety net... Trigger my foot...

West foils Arab bid to have UN declare Israel's nuclear arsenal a threat (Reuters)Good. On the other hand - what good is a nuclear arsenal if it is not a threat?

Palestinian police exchange fire with assailants outside West Bank church (AP)The good news here is that there is still a church standing in West Bank.

Bill Clinton slams Bush for not doing enough to capture Al-Qaida`s bin Laden (Reuters)If this is not a case of pot calling kettle...

Abbas: Unity gov't will recognize Israel (Ynet)Palestinian PM's aide says Hamas will not join unity government if recognizing Israel is a condition (Ynet)You must get your act together, folks. It becomes embarrassing...

The chief of staff of the Iranian army, General Atallah Salhi, said on Friday that Tehran has detected signs that the "Zionist regime" is falling apart (Ynet)Don't worry, General. It is true that I had a bad case of flu and SWMBO said indeed that I am falling apart pitifully. But I am much better now, no sweat...

20 September 2006

The term anger management commonly refers to a system of psychological therapeutic techniques and exercises by which one with excessive or uncontrollable anger can control or reduce the triggers, degrees, and effects of an angered emotional state.

This (and more) is what Wiki has to say on this fascinating subject. I have stressed the word "one". The meaning is clear - the whole procedure is geared to take care of an individual, who may have some issues with outbursts of anger (rage).

Some people took the idea further, aiming to apply it to a whole bunch of people. In this case, all followers of Islam. Quite a big bunch, I can tell.

When the Qatari Islamic scholar Yusuf al-Qaradawi called for a Day of Rage this Friday in response to Pope Benedict XVI's remarks about Muslims, it might have sounded like a call for street violence.

Violence? Mr al-Qaradawi and violence could not be further apart! The fact that the scholar supports suicide bombing is just another aspect of his specialty, which is anger management. After all, what is better than suicide bombing in both expressing anger and cooling off?

But if there is trouble Friday, and there could well be, it will not be because of language but because of what some people choose to do after they have answered the call for "Yaum al Ghadab."

Definitely not, if there is trouble it will be, as usual, due to misinterpretation of peaceful teachings of the learned scholar, his colleagues and Kuran. Continue reading the ABC article, it is so full of it, it fairly squeaks. Just to mention this:

A day of rage does not mean a day of jihad (war), added Gerges.

I distinctly remember long passages on jihad explaining to us, infidels, that jihad is not a war, but a peaceful conquest of souls... Now it is a war again. Some people will bend every which way to explain the unexplainable and to justify the unspeakable.

But back to anger management and Wiki:

In modern society, anger is viewed as an immature or uncivilized response to frustration, threat, violation, or loss. Conversely, keeping calm, coolheaded, or turning the other cheek is considered more socially acceptable. This conditioning can cause inappropriate expressions of anger, such as uncontrolled, violent outbursts or misdirected anger, or, at the other extreme, repressing feelings of anger (or lacking them altogether) when those feelings would be an appropriate response to the situation. Also, anger that is constantly "bottled up" can lead to persistent violent thoughts or nightmares, or even physical symptoms like headaches, ulcers, ohypertensiveon.

We certainly don't want the Muslim folks to bottle up their anger and develop headaches, ulcers, or hypertension. So here comes a proposal that takes our learned Mr. al-Qaradawi's idea one step further. And what a step!

We propose that from now on, one hour every day, one day per week and one week each month be allocated for rage. Different activities will be associated with each of this three periods:

The Rage Hour will be dedicated to beating life-size effigies of various enemies of Islam by a baseball bat. This activity will be performed at the place of work/study/hiding in a cave from various authorities.

The Rage Day will consist of various outdoor activities, such as shouting "Kill the infidels!" and other exciting slogans, running around waiving guns, shooting in the air, burning the effigies (see item 1) that became unusable.

The Rage Week will be spent in a fun and sporty exercise "Hide The Infidel". An infidel, kidnapped for the purpose, will be hidden by one team in a place of its choosing and the other team's mission will be to find him (her). During the week the infidel should be transferred to several different places without the other team noticing. At the end of the Rage Week the infidel will be allowed to go, but not before converting to Islam.

We are confident that this system will be able to resolve most of the residual anger issues. In special cases and upon a dispensation from a trained Imam, a permission to vent the anger in a more direct way shall be given to the person in question. An explosive belt and a secluded location will be provided for the ultimate in anger management.

The 18-year-old, who has asked not to be named, was driving home to Saxmundham from Bury St Edmunds at about 4am on Saturday, August 26. As she drove over the Orwell Bridge she saw two spinning lights about 12 feet ahead of her. They remained in front of the car as she drove, and worried her so much that she was distracted and missed the A12 turning at Seven Hills.

I would never! One can get to Saxmundham via A12 turning at Seven Hills!

18 September 2006

No, this is not the title of a mediocre movie. This is a battle cry issued by a character known as Anjem Choudary, who lives in UK and enjoys to the hilt the freedom of expression granted by this most liberal and enlightened monarchy. Mr Choudary holds very strong opinions regarding people who should or should not waste the oxygen supply on our planet. Here he is, in the center of the picture, using a microphone to make some of his opinions known to the public.

Oh, and lest I forget, Mr. Choudary is a lawyer in addition to his other talents, so his opinion is especially weighty.

Yesterday he said: "The Muslims take their religion very seriously and non-Muslims must appreciate that and that must also understand that there may be serious consequences if you insult Islam and the prophet.

"Whoever insults the message of Mohammed is going to be subject to capital punishment."

He added: "I am here have a peaceful demonstration. But there may be people in Italy or other parts of the world who would carry that out.

Being a lawyer, he obviously tried to sound as if sending a general message, but the quote above is quite damning. I am sure, though, that in a British court of law he will find enough loopholes to walk out free. And, in any case, nobody is even trying to bring him before a judge. The response of police is amazing:

A Scotland Yard spokesman said of his comments: "We have had no complaints about this. There were around 100 people at the demonstration. It passed off peacefully and there were no arrests."

Obviously it must take a stronger bite in somebody's arse to wake somebody up. On the other hand, the man is right: there were no complaints, so it seems that the citizens of UK are comfortable with Mr. Choudary's hate speech.

I am not in the habit of recommending capital punishment*, unlike our learned lawyer. However, a few years in the nick should do wonders to Mr. Choudary's disposition. And better soon, so his blood pressure could get back to normal quicker.

World marches to save Darfur, announces Independent. No, let's not get excited - the world mentioned in that headline is not marching on the way to Sudan. Not yet, and not in the near future. It makes many people feel that they have really done something worthwhile, that marching for an hour or two - all the time in the vicinity of a pub or restaurant, under watchful eye of the police. Good for one's health, too. I don't want to sound more cynical than I am (which is difficult to achieve anyway), but the usefulness of these marches is very doubtful. It is the corridors of power where the fate of Darfur is being decided.

"It is over three years since Darfur first came to the attention of the Western world," says BBC under a less optimistic headline No end in sight to Darfur troubles. The ever careful BBC offers a conservative estimate: "Tens of thousands of people, probably many more, died." Independent quotes 300,000 as the number of victims. There are some indications that even the latter estimate is on the low side.

Meanwhile, the government of Sudan is stalling any diplomatic initiative, blaming the Western countries in attempts to re-colonize Sudan, using the cheapest slogans with tacit support from the usual suspects.

Speaking in Havana, at a meeting of non-aligned nations, Mr Bashir said: "We don't want the United Nations back to Sudan, no matter the conditions." He has likened a UN force in Darfur to "Western colonisation" and has vowed to personally lead the "jihad" against it.

Once the magic J word sounded, there is no doubt that it will work its way to the hearts and minds of many totalitarian rulers, so richly represented in Havana. But let's not overestimate their power. With all due respect to Mahmoud The Mad, Hugo the oil drunk and their ilk, the real powers still could do more, much more to stop the insanity in Sudan. Even if the august bodies in charge of UN terminology still bicker about applicability of the term "genocide" to Darfur (of course, what Israel does in the occupied territories is much easier to call genocide for some reason).

But the powers that be seem strangely unable to give birth to a decision on Sudan, and BBC gives a hint about the reasons.

American or European sanctions would undoubtedly hurt but Sudan still has good friends in the Middle East and most of the country's oil is bought by China, which has a less than perfect human rights record.

Strangely, it is the Indy that is more forceful on the subject:

Mr Blair and President George Bush have also been trying to persuade China, one of Sudan's strongest allies, to use its influence to change Mr Bashir's mind. China has lucrative oil ties to Sudan and, along with another country with economic links, Russia, refused to vote for the recent UN resolution to send in peacekeepers.

So, it is Russia and China again. Just like with Iranian nuclear ambitions, their goals are similar - to counter someone else's influence, instead of really addressing a problem. Nothing much changed in the world. The Cold War continues, only the methods and the regions have slightly shifted. The main protagonists are still there, and people are still dying.

UN has adopted the "Never again" motto. They better change it to "Never say 'never' again". Words are cheap, especially when used by cheap politicos.

The American and the Zionist aim is to undermine the glorious triumph of Islam’s children of Lebanese Hezbollah, which annulled the undefeatable legend of the Israeli army and foiled the Satanic and colonialist American plot.

Byzantine emperor Manuel II Paleologus issued a correction that returned peace and tranquility to the world.

Interviewed in his summer residence near Constantinople, while he was tending to his praised collection of orchids, overseeing his two favorite scythian slave gardeners, Manuel II spoke truthfully about his genuine mistake.

"Of course, I didn't mean to say Muhammad - what nonsense! I was going to say Samuel - you know, that Jewish prophet. This one is real bad penny. I don't know what happened to me. It must have been the kippers I ate at breakfast that day, something was wrong about them. I have already ordered the breakfast cook to be strangled. With extreme prejudice."

In related news: the Muslim world grudgingly accepts the apology. "Did I say I want him beheaded? Surely I meant befriended - in the sense that he is going to embrace Islam, the most peaceful religion in existence. This son of a ... I mean, our dear Manuel II was clearly enthralled by the Zionists that insinuated themselves into his household. But we'll help him to get rid of these sons of pigs," said the Sultan to the press this morning.

Still, some of the more zealous Muslim groups are not satisfied by the state of affairs. "All this does not amount to a definitive apology," declared Egyptian Pasha. "We want that infidel to crawl on all four to Mecca before we consider the incident forgotten," he added after some mulling.

17 September 2006

There is nothing new under the sun. The legacy of Arafat's double-tongued speech and triple-dealing behavior is alive and well, serving its new users - the Hamas crowd. The news are doubtlessly confusing for a reader who just arrived from another planet.

On Saturday, PA Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh said that the political program of the proposed Palestinian national unity government does not include recognition of agreements that were previously signed between Israel and the Palestinians.

"The program does not talk about recognizing agreements that were signed with the Israeli occupation," he told reporters in Gaza City. "Instead, it mentions that we will have to accept these agreements in accordance with the national interests of our people. This does not mean that the new government would recognize these agreements."

So, what the heck does it all mean, our friendly alien may as well ask? If these Hamas people accept the agreements, why nor recognize them as well? Or vice versa? Why would a politician talk like a bleeding lawyer anyway?

Then it becomes even more confusing:

Hamas has made it clear that while it is prepared to "deal" with the agreements with Israel, it will never honor them. Hamas has also stressed that the unity government's program does not recognize Israel's right to exist. Abbas, on the other hand, argues that the program is based on the 2002 Arab peace plan that implicitly recognizes Israel.

So, if Hamas will never honor any agreements, in what manner it is going to "deal" with them?

You see, dear E.T., these folks of Hamas don't actually want no peace agreements with no Jooz. They would like to continue trying to kill these pesky Jooz off in any way possible, but there is a small catch to this simple program: while they spend their time and what money there is in finding new ways to kill Jooz, the other folks, the ones with money, do not agree to feed them.

So they would like to get the money from the rich folks and continue killing Jooz at the same time. This is why these Hamas folks are making it to seem that they are together with the Fatah folks* and are much more benign and generally nicer than they would look to you when you know them better.

But, on the other hand, they do have a problem: for Hamas folks even to promise (let alone to actually behave in this way) that they will be ever ready to get along with Jooz is very difficult. Simply impossible, I would say. Still, they need the money first and above all, and as soon as possible. And they are almost ready to say something that will make the rich folks (especially ones of Europe) happy enough to open their wallets.

Almost, but not quite. Something gets stuck in their collective throat each time they are opening their collective mouth...

So they are not quite up there with that old late Yasser Arafat (tell you later about him), but they show some promise. I bet in a few weeks they will find the formula that will suit the European folks on one hand and let the Hamas folks continue killing Jooz on the other hand. And then everyone will be happy again. Aside of them Jooz, of course, but who cares...

(*) The other, Fatah folks, would also like to kill the Jooz, but are ready to promise not to. For a while, at least. This is called "pragmatic approach" on Earth, dear E.T...Cross-posted on Yourish.com

The following page from Yahoo! News left more questions than answers in my mind (click on the picture to enlarge):

Not being an expert on usage of English in some delicate situations like this one, where a major religion is involved, I tried to understand better the meaning of "hump of Islam". The following alternatives offered by a dictionary are hardly enlightening:

Noun: hump

1. Something that bulges out or is protuberant or projects from a form

Verb: hump

1. Arch one's back2. [vulgar] Have sexual intercourse with

Confusing, isn't it? But it is only half of the mystery. The second half is hidden in the Reuters' caption to the picture:

Muslims deplore on Friday remarks on Islam by Pope.

How exactly does one deplore on something? Is it like "Darling, our dog deplored on the carpet in the living room again!"?

16 September 2006

Byzantine emperor Manuel II Paleologus issued an apology to the world Muslim community during the daily briefing in his Constantinople palace press room.

The press kit included the text of the apology that will be published soon in all main media organs. At the end of the long apology the emperor went on his knees, facing Mecca, and hit the floor by his forehead several times repeatedly, begging forgiveness. The witnesses' reports differ on the number of hits, but all reporters present agree that the tears freely flowing from the emperor's eyes do not have anything to do with the resulting pain.

The photograph attached to the press kit shows the results of self-flagellation the emperor inflicted on himself during the night as an act of penance.

The picture is issued by the emperor's press-room, so there is no doubt of it's authenticity.

15 September 2006

The unfortunate statement made by Byzantine emperor Manuel II Paleologus angers the Muslims all over the world.

Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.

(THE TEXT ABOVE IS A QUOTE ONLY!!!)

The provocative statement caused a widespread outrage.

Byzantine embassies in Damascus, Jakarta, Tripoli were set on fire, in other areas were set on fire Byzantine-looking foreigners that had been caught in the streets.

Effigies of the emperor Manuel II were burned (28 cases), stomped (43 cases) and served as spittoons (175 cases). Starbucks franchise was reported burning in Riad, but it may be just the smell of burned beans, and all the bets are off regarding this case.

Ambassador of Saudi Arabia in Constantinople was urgently called home "for consultations". His request for half an hour delay to allow him to finish the delicious seafood dinner with homegrown couscous was refused.

President Ahmadinejad was reported to blame the Zionists for the outrageous statement. "First they set up shop in the middle of Muslim land. Then they provoke us by these blasphemous cartoons, and now this. Is there a limit to Zionist chutzpa? Millions shahids will march on Constantinople."

Professors Petras, Mearsheimer and Walt published an article that conclusively proves that the latest outrage was caused by a Mossad mole close to the emperor Manuel's chambermaid. The degree of closeness will be a subject for the follow-on article. There was no response neither from Jerusalem or from AIPAC whose sinister role in this Mossad operation is covered in the article.

There are unconfirmed reports that the Turkish army is brought to the state of highest alert and even rumors of fires over Constantinople, however the only black and white picture comes from Reuters:

There are some doubts about the authenticity of the trees in the background.

The rumors about some Germanic tribes offering support to the emperor's position are also unconfirmed and may be blamed on translation issues. However, the papal Swiss guard was beefed up by some elite units from Zurich, trained in fierce facial expression.

The only source of this news item so far is Debka, but if true it should be regarded as one more step to demolish the remains of the UNSC resolution 1701.

Until Wednesday night, the Shiite terror group stood by its consent to the Lebanese army on the border with Israel handling any military problems or clashes with Israel, with Hizballah assisting. Now, Hizballah has gone back on this deal and announced that henceforth its own forces will no longer wait for the Lebanese army to act but send its own forces into action against Israel. This is the first time since the UN-brokered went into effect on July 14 that Hizballah has threatened direct military action against Israel.

This also opens the way for its men to shoot at any Israeli aircraft entering Lebanese skies and any naval craft in Lebanese waters. In a second statement, Hizballah warned Berlin that German troops posted at Lebanese air ports, seaports or Lebanese-Syrian border posts would be legitimate targets for attack. The warning came just hours after the German government approved a 2,400 naval and air contingent for the UN Lebanon force.

The Hizballah threat applied also to all the foreign contingents serving with expanded UNIFIL, thereby limiting their area of operation to the border with Israel.

There is not much left of the 1701 letter. Spirit was lacking from the start. What now?

"Writing a thriller without knowing how to shoot a gun is like a virgin writing a sex scene," says Joseph Finder in a telephone interview with Haaretz journalist.

It's a good thing Finder is not writing medicine thrillers yet. Or Clancy-style blockbusters about nuclear or biological warfare.

After writing numerous thrillers, American author Joseph Finder decided to learn how to shoot a gun. He occasionally goes to a firing range near his home in Boston and shoots. He has a wife and a 12-year-old daughter, is a graduate of Harvard and Yale, and he grew up in an intellectual home. One might even call him a man of letters.

One might. On the other hand, one might decide not to...

In not totally unrelated news, "a company in Snowdonia has won an award for making greetings cards and gifts out of sheep droppings."

Creative Paper Wales won a £20,000 Millennium Award for its Sheep Poo Paper products, reports the BBC. They collect sheep droppings from the surrounding mountains, sterilise it in pressure cookers and recover the washed and undigested fibres. A sheep digests just 50% of what it eats. The recovered fibres are mixed to form paper and cardboard for the company's range of stationery and gift products.

I think that this environmentally-friendly enterprise should be encouraged and expanded to the whole world. There are thousands of books printed in millions and millions that clamor for this elegant solution.

The moment the Welsh folks find a way to feed the used books back to the sheep and prove the total absence of smell from that paper, they are definitely up to a Nobel.

13 September 2006

Only a few days ago we have discussed some lingering suspicions about Fidel Castro. I have also promised to check the Elders' archives. Unfortunately, the state of our archives is not what it used to be. Some poisoned tongues blame the great fire of 1965 on the person who was then our chief accountant. Indeed, the fire started in the corner of the archive allocated to the accounting records, but the presence of an empty gas canister was explained to everybody's satisfaction. The fact that the chief accountant disappeared and was subsequently found in Galapagos was clearly due to his hobby as an ardent supporter of intelligent design theory, bent to disprove some elements of Darwin's theory of evolution.

Anyway, there is no trace of the Castro file in our archives, and I was forced to use information in the public domain. Yes, I know that it sounds pathetic, but here you are...

And I must say that the public domain did not disappoint. I hit the pay dirt very quickly. Wikipedia says it loud and clear:

Fidel Castro, President of Cuba, among others, have acknowledged Marrano ancestry.

That's it, Fidel. You can get out of the closet now, the game is up. Not only are you a pseudo-Socialist, but a crypto-Jew as well. You can come home to roost, and we shall rename the famous musical to Fidel On The Roof in your honor. Topol will be tickled breathless to play under this title!

Go by the nose, the beak, the honker, the schnozzle, and you shall never miss, I always say!

Follow two hours of insufferable crapola spouted by inimitable George Galloway and his sidekick for this specific Talk Sport show - Michael Rosen. If you are able to sit through the whole time, you will be able to do some fisking of the contents. The two hours are split into six (uneven) portions for technical reasons, but maybe it will allow you to take it in installments. Enjoy.

Al Jazeera knows how to make its readers happy. No matter what you thought about that spot of trouble near the US embassy in Damascus, Al Jazeera will put you straight: Syria blames US policies for attack.

Syria has accused the US of fuelling extremism and terrorism in the Middle East after four assailants attacked the US embassy in Damascus. The Syrian embassy in Washington said in a statement on Tuesday that US policies in the Middle East had fuelled extremism, terrorism and anti-US sentiment.

The attack today against the United States embassy in Damascus was orchestrated by American intelligence to embarrass the Syrian regime and extract political concessions, a senior member of Syrian President Bashar Assad's Baath Party claimed to WND. "We in the government are 100 percent sure America was behind this attack, which is not the same as other attacks by Islamic groups," said the senior Baath party official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Only the Americans can succeed in carrying out an attack just 200 meters from President Assad's residence in the most heavily guarded section of Syria," the official said.

What can one say? The years Syrians spent under papa Assad and baby Assad made them able to see things other people don't even dream about...

Gang members in one of Colombia's most violent cities face an ultimatum: give up guns or give up sex. In what is being called a "strike of crossed legs", supported by the Pereira mayor's office, the wives and girlfriends of gang members have said they will not have sex with their partners until they vow to give up violence.

12 September 2006

There were several articles like this one in various papers regarding the latest threats by OBL's left hand* Ayman al-Zawahiri. I have chosen the one linked above for the picture:

Even in a picture of such a low quality it is easy to see that the scar in the middle of his forehead has grown significantly. My admiration for the man grows too, I must admit.

Not only does Zawahiri hide for years and years in the wilderness of the Afghan caves, eating not a lot more than camel dung (I am afraid to think of the liquid he drinks to make the dung more palatable). No, this is not enough - he is stopping speeding imperialist bullets or even Hellfire missiles by his forehead alone!

That finger does not bode well, I guess then...

(*) The definition of Zawahiri as OBL's left hand may be not entirely correct. I distinctly remember that one of the hands is used for purposes less than noble in the region, so it will have to be clarified at another opportunity. Unless OBL does assign to Zawahiri tasks that ... no, let's wait for clarifications.