SCOBYsaurus Rex and the new offspring that fell from the surface when I moved this to take the pic. At least I know fermentation is happening!

When I worked a corporate job with a long commute, I often dreamed of having fabulous riches that would allow me to use my enormous plot of Center City land to farm like a MacGregor. No borage, of course, it attracts rats! But most other things would go. I would have beekeeper friends tend the hives, chicken-lovers tend the chickens and generally live out my urban-hippie dream teaching kids how to grow amazing things in the ground, to milk the friendly goats and to reap the rewards of gorgeous, fresh produce and tangy cheeses.

There was one problem with this fantasy, however. Okay, there were many problems with this fantasy, however. The one that really bugged my fantasy brain was a conflicting fantasy. You know the one, right? You pack a bag on a whim, sling it over your shoulder and hop a plane for Patagonia, Paris or Papua New Guinea. As an avid rooftop and patio container gardner, I know that even a week-long trip in the growing season requires friends to give generously of their time and even then there is very often tragic plant death. Well, as it turns out, as a farmer of yeasts, bacterias and molds, I face the same challenges. Finding caretakers for all the ferments that need love within a five week period was a bit of a challenge and normally I like to check in frequently on those that don’t need regular help.

I left my beloved Philly on November 25th and returned the night before last. I bribed friends to care for my cultures (“That SCOBY will offer you her firstborn!”) and crossed my fingers on a few others.

Here’s how I left things:

Kimchi: Left some completed batches in the fridge at my parents’ house before we left for Peru.

Result: Fine, obviously. We could not have been more grateful for the dose of good bacteria after our trip.

Kefir Grains: Asked a former recipient if I could have their babies upon arrival home. Left a spare set with my sister.

Result: Crossing fingers for the babies from the friend. Let’s say a prayer for those left with my sister that their death in a thickened, cheese-like mass wasn’t too painful.

Kombucha: Made a fresh batch and left it to ferment. Left a great SCOBY with a friend.

Result: SCOBY at home is ENORMOUS! New batch is made, so we’ll see how fermenting goes. Friend Abby reports that the SCOBY she has is alive and well, so looks all good on this front.

Ginger Beer Starter: Left out without feeding because I forgot.

Result: Dead as a doornail. I’m racked with guilt! However, this is easy to start and I use it for everything, not just ginger beer so she’ll be up again in no time.

Sauerkraut: Left several batches to ferment, figuring that 5 weeks would be just about right.

Result: Some serious top mold that needed skimming. They taste great. Don’t worry friends. I don’t share my molded ferments, because I think it (wrongly) freaks people out and I’m not a fan of pushing my values on people who aren’t interested.

Honey Gin and Maple Rum Vinegars: Left ’em.

Result: YUM!

Cider Vinegar: Left it to ferment.

Result: Some seriously awesome looking and smelling vinegar. Mothers in every batch!

Desem Sourdough Starter (aka Hercule): Left him in the fridge and crossed my fingers.

Result: A not insubstantial amount of fuzzy mold on top. Also, he was inactive for five weeks. Prepared myself for the worst, but after some serious surgery, I was able to salvage a bit of untainted starter and I what I have fermenting now looks and smells great! More power to Hercule!

I finished everything else before we left and didn’t start batches, which was a really good move. Although I had wanted to have a batch of miso going so that the wait time would seemingly be reduced, but that’s getting started today instead, due to lack of time before we left. It was three years since our last vacation (trips to parents’ houses don’t count!), and my desire to move my ass around the world a bit is definitely rekindled. This makes me very grateful that my ferments survived their solitude so well. Some Peru ferments are soon to come. Thanks for being patient in my absence! I’ll be back to posting how-tos this week!

Making cultured butter is as easy as making crème fraîche and getting your food processor dirty. There. I just gave you the recipe.

If you avoid saturated fat, I suggest you avert your eyes now. Or maybe click over here to become so much smarter. Or here to laugh for a while. But don’t continue reading if you don’t want to know how to make something that will inevitably increase your saturated fat consumption by about 6000%.

Okay now that you know what you’re getting into, I’ll give you the scoop. Of butter. Rimshot. Crickets. But really, this is easy.

1. You just throw some crème fraîche or partially cultured crème fraîche into your food processor and turn it on.*

2. Let it process for a few minutes (I go 4-6 minutes) until you can see rough butter chunks and some whitish liquid. That liquid is the liquid gold we call buttermilk.

3. Set a small, fine-mesh strainer or a strainer lined with fine-mesh cheesecloth over a bowl or jar and pour the contents of your food processor in.

4. Push down on the butter with a spatula to get all possible liquid pushed through the strainer (don’t push so hard that the butter goes through, obviously).

5. Once you have as much liquid as possible removed, pour the liquid off into a sealable container and stick it in the fridge. You can use buttermilk for many things!

6. Now, put your liquid-free butter back in your food processor, throw in a couple ice cubes or a few tablespoons of ice water. Blend again for a minute or two, until you see your butter chunks start to stick together.

Clockwise: needs a few more minutes, straining out the buttermilk, about to hit the fridge

7. Strain out the liquid and discard. That is butterwater, which is a word I made up just now, not buttermilk. You could probably use it to make soup or as the liquid in your bread-baking if you wanted to.

8. Repeat the processing of butter with ice water and straining 1 or two more times until your butter seems pretty much like unshaped butter. Add salt to taste (Less is more. You can always salt it once it’s spread.) and run the processor again for 30 seconds to incorporate it.

9. Take your solid butter out of the processor, press it into some paper towel to remove any remaining surface water. The better you’ve been about straining out the water, the longer your butter will last. Form it into the shape you like, or press it into a small jar. Wrap it tightly in plastic wrap and stick it in the fridge for a few hours or longer. If you put it in a jar, you can put water over the top of it to keep the air away.

10. Once it’s chilled, it is ready to use! You did it!

11. (optional) I like to make my butter into fun shapes. Adds to the table decor at brunch!

This is my husband! I have a cookie cutter of his adorable head. This is the only context in which I would call him a butterface.

*If you do not have a food processor, you can also use a well sealed container and a child whose hands you want to keep busy. Just make them shake it hard for as long as it takes to make solid butter. It will take a long while, and the butter will be soft, but hey, you kept a kid occupied and buttered your bread. Not a bad night’s work.

Note: This post was scheduled in advance. I’m currently visiting the wonderful country of Peru and have limited access to wifi and my own electronic devices. If you comment and it doesn’t post or I don’t respond immediately, I apologize. I promise I’ll catch up with you when I’m back in the country!

Kefir sour cream tastes just like store bought sour cream except way, way better. Making it is easy as…kefir. Where you would normally pour milk over your kefir grains for you next batch, you will substitute cream. Then leave it as you would kefir. (My kefir cultures in about 12 hours in the summer and 24 hours in cooler weather). Once it is thick and creamy (not totally set), you are ready for the tricky part, removing your grains. Okay, it’s not that tricky, it just takes way longer than regular milk kefir. I hold my mesh strainer over a clean storage jar, spoon in some sour cream and then gently stir the mix with the rounded end of a chopstick, slowly pushing the sour cream into the jar and keeping the grains in the strainer. Once you’ve strained the sour cream into the jar, stick it in the fridge where it will completely set into sour cream texture. You are all done! You made delicious sour cream!!