Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Shit My Job Says, Part 3: Employer Boogaloo

Yes, it's time for the third installment in a continuing series of whimsical observations intended for companies that want to grow and be successful and avoid insurance claims relating to employees beating themselves senseless with staplers. ﻿﻿

The red ones do the most damage. And camouflage the blood most effectively.

Be sure to read Part 1 and Part 2 of the series. And remember, any resemblance to real employers is probably sheer coincidence. After all, no real company could do all these things and stay in business. Right?

So let's pick up where we left off, shall we?

Rule #32: Employees who are reassigned to a different department may require more orientation than being told repeatedly what a bunch of losers their former co-workers are.

Rule #33: Lacking a policy to deal with an issue is not an excuse for not dealing with the issue, especially if the issue involves taking six weeks to authorize a 30-minute service call.

Rule #34: If employees are expected to make hotel reservations for executives using their personal credit cards, and then don't receive reimbursements in a timely fashion, they may make the executives' next reservation at the Wastewater Treatment Plant Inn.

Rule #35: Technology upgrades should, whenever possible, actually result in the technology working better than before.

Rule #36: The person who insists on making an exception to the rule is probably the reason the rule was instituted in the first place.

Rule #37: When a procedure has to be explained to staff more than three times, it's not necessarily the staff that is stupid.

Rule #38: "Agreeing to disagree" typically means the same as "agreeing to do nothing."

Rule #39: Everyone expects the HR department to employ certain euphemisms when an employee leaves the company abruptly. There is a qualitative difference, however, between "Johnson will be pursuing other opportunities" and "Anyone asking questions about Johnson will be following him out the door."

Rule #40: A company's training methods are best modeled on something other than the children's game "Telephone."

Rule #41: Under certain circumstances, sharing one set of trade-show materials between offices can be a cost-saver. Those circumstances may not include spending $100 to ship a $200 item three times.

Rule #42: The difference between hanging a "WET PAINT" sign and labeling a file "OLD - DO NOT USE" is that eventually the paint will dry all by itself.

OK, 42 is always a good place to stop. I hope these rules have been helpful in a completely hypothetical and non-specific way. And remember, it takes two people to come up with a really bad idea: One to think of it and one to say nothing and keep a straight face until the meeting is over. See you next time on "Shit My Job Says"!