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24 June 2010

It has been some time since I visited this topic. And in that time, much has happened; here on my blog, on other blogs related to adoption and mostly within myself.

Through my other posts, I have presented reasons why I feel adoption is outdated as a law and institution. Many disagree with me whilst many others agree with me, even if they were not aware of it at the time! This has certainly been a journey all of its own.

However, I feel it is necessary to wrap this one up as I left it very much open and unfinished with my last post. I had intended to go further with the “series” as some would call it but I grew weary with the weight of this issue.

I disagree with adoption. Absolutely and completely. And I have come to the conclusion one of the the main reasons I detest adoption so much (apart from the many other reasons I have stated in the past) is because of what it does to people. The ensuing consequences; the reactions to the actions. What it did to me and created in me. The endless destruction. The negativity, lies, pain, anguish, hatred and more.

Adoption, as I have seen over the past 10 years since entering the wider world of adoption through the internet, brings out the very worst in people. Like THE worst. It brought out the very worst in me and turned me into someone I never was before adoption infected my life. And it is not someone I sit comfortably with. Not only myself, but I have seen and watched people become uglier than I could ever imagine and for me, anything that brings out so much hatred, violence and cruelty can never, EVER be a good thing.

Perhaps at one time, there were good intentions with adoption. I know there are individuals I have been privileged to meet who had and have very good intentions and have adopted for the right reasons. But sadly, the majority of people I have encountered across the world of adoption, have impacted on me in a devastating way. These are the people who reinforce the reason why adoption has become as controversial as it is. These people are the proof adoption is vile and full of everything BUT goodness, love and compassion.

As a child and young adult, I have seen and been in the middle of war, revolution, terrorism, starvation, pain, poverty, death and more. My family have faced many trials and I myself have been through some awful experiences. But none of them have ever had the destructive power in my life in the same way adoption has. I have never felt the force of evil quite so much as I have with adoption. With the above experiences, they are validated as horrific and there are, sadly, many people throughout the world who have been impacted by these same experiences and the world, for the most part, recognises these experiences as being terrible and thus appropriate actions are taken (in some cases) to provide care and assistance.

But in adoption… oh no. Poverty is seen as an excuse to take another person’s family to satisfy the need and ugly desires of another to have their own family. Hardships are seized on almost with glee by those facilitating adoption and are exploited for the personal gain of others. Babies and children are ripped from the arms of women and families for the sake of another’s selfishness and the worst part, PEOPLE TURN A BLIND EYE TO THESE EVIL ACTIONS. The hypocrisy in adoption is absolutely astounding. The double standards forced on those less fortunate than others who for some reason feel they have the right to dictate another person’s life to them, is beyond unbelievable. It is shocking. The mass abuse of human rights that occurs with adoption is bad enough without people refusing to see the truth of it.

I see this in articles splashed through magazines and newspapers, throughout the world of blogging and in the general public. I have seen pure venom directed at people in forums and commentary on articles. It is pure ugliness.

When people try to tell me adoption is all about love, I think about what I have read and heard and I cannot see the love. Because at the end of the day, the actions of so many people, agencies and government bodies has drowned out the love. The positives. I also feel that love can never grow in places that are entirely self-oriented, lustful and desire something that will only cause pain and destruction to another human being. For me, the nature of Love is to build someone up, not tear them down.

It is not wrong to want to parent. It is not wrong to want to have a child. What you decide to do with these desires is what determines if what you choose is right or wrong. Perhaps there would be room for adoption if it was so drastically changed it no longer resembles the adoption of today however, like I have stated in the past, once you change certain legalities about adoption, it is no longer adoption but some other law.

I have learned much through this journey of exploring why adoption should be undone. I have discovered there is a lot of common ground out there with people who do not see themselves as being anti-adoption. It has been a rewarding experience to learn and grow with the discussions online and through email I have had with my readers on this topic.

However, at the end of the day, I come to the conclusion that adoption is built on such a rotten foundation without the focus on the child and their best interests (despite what it says) and therefore needs to be scrapped with something less ugly built in its place. I admit, some of this feeling comes from my own pain and experience I have suffered at the brutal hands of adoption however I have seen too much and learned too much to ever see adoption in a favourable light.

Before people jump on the soap box and question me about orphans and abused children, please, give it a rest. This is a tired, circular argument which in the scheme of things is just an excuse people use to get what they want. Most people who have used this argument are not adopting the abused or orphaned children of this world but are lusting after the child of another mother so I am really not going there with you.

Adoption is about loss. Period. And until people can face this, many will continue to see it in a good way. Until people are courageous enough to face the truth of adoption and its demons, adoption will continue with all the ugliness it ensues. I just pray one day, the truth will be so obvious it can no longer be ignored and people finally start re-evaluating this barbaric practise and its consequences.

07 June 2010

Just as you are traveling along feeling grounded, something comes along to challenge you and trigger feelings of old. And this is what happened recently with "Glee" or should I say a couple of the songs from this show.

I have only ever watched a couple of episodes and have tried not to watch it due to all the hype surrounding it (I don't like being too mainstream LOL) however from what I have seen so far, it is okay. Anyway, the reason I watched it at all was due to the story line surrounding Rachel and the recent discovery of her mother. (Long story short: Rachel is the result of a "surrogate" arrangement). Her first introduction to her mother was through a tape of her singing to Rachel and then you see Mother and Daughter on stage singing "I Dreamed a Dream"...

Wow, that song has had me feeling a lot! I guess because of the setting in which it was performed and the words which I can so keenly relate to:

"I Dreamed a Dream" as sung in the show Glee (not sure who wrote the lyrics)

(Sung by the mother)
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life, worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

(Sung by daughter)
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wastedThere was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung no wine untasted

(sung by both)But the tigers come at nightWith their voices soft as thunderAs they tear your hope apartAs they turn your dream to shame

(sung by daughter)
And still I dream she’ll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

(sung by both)I had a dream my life would beSo diff’rent from this hell I’m livingSo diff’rent now from what it seemedNow life has killed the dream I dreamed

The sections I have bolded are the words that stuck with me most. These words highlighted exactly what I was trying to say in a previous post about grieving what I had lost and the need to move on. Hearing the words put into song like this (I have a thing about music, it is my soul food) really spoke to my core. However, instead of leaving me broken, it has helped me see that yes, my life I dreamed of is dead... so now it is time to have a new dream and breathe life into something new for my whole family.

Life did kill the dream I had, the dream of my daughter and I and all the things we would do together... and I can never get that back. It will always be a loss. It will always be sad and painful. But now, right now, I have a chance to create a new dream, including her, and my other children. It will be difficult as it wasn't what I expected but it is where my journey is leading. So as I move through my own "Boulevard of Broken Dreams", I move onto another road, a new road with a new purpose. I have no idea what lies ahead for me on this road and there is no map to follow but I am ready to see what waits for me out there.

03 June 2010

Some days, like today, for no reason at all, I can feel you; as if you are standing right next to me… and I miss you, miss you more than I do on all those other days I miss you. Like a ghost, I can feel your hand reaching out to me and I want to fold you in my arms and inhale your unique and precious scent.

Your smile has become like a drug to me. I stare at your pictures for hours, wishing our next encounter would be now and not in a mere number of weeks. I thought seeing you more often in a year would be enough but I find myself addicted to you, wanting more, never feeling satisfied with our time. And the person I crave is the you of now… not the baby I longed for so many years but the beautiful girl with long dark hair; the big beautiful brown eyes that almost mirror mine and your little sister’s.

I ache just to hear about the mundane things in your life, the little things. The books you have read, the songs you adore, your favourite movies, your friends; the silliness and innocence of pre-teen life.

I miss you so much… and it really hurts. I could never tell you this as I wouldn’t want to burden you but it has to come out or sometimes I feel it would swallow me and I am doing so well right now. I love you.

About Me

My name is Myst and I am the mother of three children, one whom I lost to forced adoption in New Zealand in 1998. I use this blog to share my story so others may be better informed of adoption practises in New Zealand and not lose their child in the same way I did.

Some quotes I love...

"This story had its beginnings in a wrongful belief that women could be separated from their babies and it would all be for the best. Instead, these churches and charities, families, medical staff and bureaucrats struck at the most primal and sacred bond there is - the bond between a mother and her baby"

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend, some hurts that go to deep... that have taken hold."- Frodo, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

“Many people, especially ignorant people, want to punish you for speaking the truth, for being correct, for being you. Never apologise for being correct, or for being years ahead of your time. If you are right and you know it, speak your mind. Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is still the truth.”-Gandhi

“Man has the capacity to pass on from generation to generation the wrongs that he has suffered whether they are overt or covert wrongs. And there is a whole generation of people who have suffered from the inhumanity of our social service system because they were poor, because they were helpless, because they were young, because they had no advocates, because they were treated unjustly, because they were treated as though they had wronged people by having a child. We now have to call those social service systems to task.”- Family Involvement ‘Editorial’ John L. Brown No 5 (1977):1

"Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home, to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenue each year..."- Commission on Human Rights, resolution 2002/92; E/CN/2002/79; page 25

"Hope is like a bird that senses dawn and carefully starts to sing while it is still dark."- Author unknown

“When a baby is born, a mother is born”-Adapted from a quote by Alice Meynell

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."-Martin Luther King, Jr.

“A mother’s love endures through all; in good repute, in bad repute, in the face of the world’s condemnation, a mother still loves on.”-Washington Irving

“Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness”-Amnesty International

“There is in this cold and hollow world no fount of deep, strong deathless love save that within a mother’s heart.”-Felicia D. Hemans

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."-Dale Carnegie

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”Psalm 139:13, 14

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up. “-Anne Lamott

“No language can express the power and beauty and heroism and majesty of a mother’s love. It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over the wastes of worldly fortune sends the radiance of quenchless fidelity like a star in heaven.”-E.H. Chapin