The Portable Zoo

Sometimes, riding a BART train during commute hours is like going to the zoo. You see all sorts of creatures that you might not normally see. Taking the escalator up, I could see the platform was more crowded than usual. My first sighting was the quickly becoming common, Obliviatus Chaosator. The middle age woman on the step above me to my right, exited left basically forcing me back into the people behind me. The common Obliviatus Chaosator generally pays no attention to those around them, knocking them over by owning all the space they can see. Sadly they have tunnel vision and often dress in ways that functioning fashion senses avoid. Sadly, this creature is becoming far more common. I seem to stumble, and I mean that literally, across them several times a day

Walking down the platform, amongst the crowd, was Gothika PastMeByicus. This breed only appears after the age of 40. She appeared to be in her late 40s or older. This was a great specimen, all in black, too much leather for summer, ass length black hair, which was three shades too dark and too even for, as Lambchop would say, a woman of certain age and he outfit was topped with jet black sunglasses. Clearly uncomfortable with sunlight, this aging vampire breed is highly uncommon on BART, but this specimen has been tagged and I recalled seeing it on numerous occasions. I had often assumed their habitat was in nightclubs and vintage clothing shops, but some must travel to Macy’s or Sax to work the cosmetic counter.

As I settled into my seat on the train, I was joined at the next station by the extremely rare Overstuffed Coffee Clutcher (genus undefined). This creature never travels without a cup of coffee and generally has a backpack stuffed to gills, making it hard to drink and impossible to maneuver. Often they share their coffee with their seatmates, but spilling copious amounts on them. Luckily, I was spared this unnecessary ritual, but there was significant bag shifting to allow for the coffee consumption. This breed always ignores the signs and recordings about no food or drink on the train or platform.

Soon after, I was able to see a prime example of the Bicycle Doofus in full glory. The Bicycle Doofus is rarely seen without a two wheel accessory. This one jumped like a baboon when His bike fell, flinging his bag across the aisle to free his hands and pick up his bike. With exaggerated motions he moved the bike and tied it a rail with great aplomb. All that was missing was his red ass protruding for the all the females to see. I wished I had a banana to give him, as a reward for his show. They do react well to positive reinforcement, when not riding their bikes.

Ten minutes into the commute and I was already exhausted. Had I been at the zoo, I could have wandered to the concession stand for a soft serve ice cream cone or over to the penguins for some relaxing levity. Instead, more and more exotic breedw crowded in the car, heightening my awareness of so many odd creatures. At least the TooMuch JeanNateRequried that choked me on Friday was missing. The joy of unimpaired breathing is too often taken for granted. Perhaps this would be a good day.