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funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

I can’t fathom the kind of person who would take the time to write a fucking novel about a missing avocado. If it really bothers you that much, just poison another avocado and leave it in the same place and the situation will resolve itself. Damn hippie college kids, get practical, stop whining.

I can understand this persons pain. Being from Australia and having grandparents that own an Avocado farm I think I can comment.

Firstly Avocado’s here are not cheap, we have a Dupoloy with supermarkets, it is Coles or Woolworths and that is it. They never stock ripe Avocados (Called Avo’s in Oz… you know how we just love to shorten words) because they don’t want to lose money due to stock going bad on the shelf. They can cost anything from $2-4 each depending on what the supermarkets think they can get away with. Furthermore they can take up to a week to ripen in a warm climate. Canberra is not warm, it’s cold and it is a geological basin (sh*t hole) which also explains the disposition of our avo eating passive aggressive. They most likely go to ANU (Australian National University) which means they are likely the loveless child of some liberal conservative career politican (Don’t believe me, check out comment 1 and 2, the belief that they work hard for their money and also the contrived idea that ‘plenty of charities’ exist in Canberra, not to mention the implicit belief in private property that the note is based on).

Since it is so cold you are looking at about 1-2 weeks for the Avo to ripen. Put simply, you don’t ‘purchase’ an Avocado in Canberra, you ‘invest’ in one in the hope for a return 2 weeks later at which point you can paste that mofo onto some toast with cracked pepper and lime.

This was not the mere theft of an Avocado. This was the worst of white collar crime, the robbery of a neo-con’s investment in their future consumption. It cuts to the core of this young student’s belief in private property and return on investment. I bet they claimed a capital loss on their tax return!

I was just rummaging through the refrigerator, and your lunch looks really good. Your number was tucked inside, so I thought I’d ask if I could have lunch with you……NO? You said you’d share…but……. what charity?

Nevermind, I just ate it. Could you pack something more filling tomorrow?

I have sympathies for the victim of any lunch theft, no matter how histrionic their notes may be. You do have to be a complete asshole to steal someone’s lunch at work– there is no excuse for it, unless their lunch is so similar to yours that you happened to grab their lunch by mistake, in which case they will probably be happy to eat your lunch as compensation. If for any reason they’re not happy to do so, or even if they are, then own up and offer to buy them a new fucking lunch. This is not something that adults should have to be concerned about.

I agree, I work at a grocery store and we have a break room with a shared fridge. I had food in there with my name written on it twice and someone stole it. They steal other people’s bitten sandwiches, juices, yogurt, lunch from home, anything; it’s pretty pathetic. Sorry, nobody working there is THAT hard up where they need to steal coworkers food. Besides, we have food at demo daily, often have employee tastings at the store and once again…it’s a GROCERY STORE. There is plenty of food around for you to eat/steal that doesn’t belong to employees if you really insist on stealing. When I make laxative filled brownies, put them in the fridge and someone steals them, maybe the runs they end up getting will make them stop stealing food.

Has PAN ever posted a note that responds to such a note with something like, “I am so sorry I took your lunch. I have seen the error of my ways and shall go forth and counsel other lunch stealers.”?

I work in a big office building. From time to time, someone takes my lunch. I am thoroughly annoyed when it happens. Yet, in my state of irritability, I am still not idiot enough to sit at my computer and write an anonymous note to an anonymous person about a long gone avocado.

Also? Avocados are very portable. There is no need to leave them lying about in public places. They can fit in your drawer, in your pocket or in your sock. Or, you can simply sit it on top of something in your general area. The avocado eating public knows this and will take care to keep their avocados to themselves. Thus, any avocado left out in the open is a signal that it is a PUBLIC avocado.

I did enjoy that avocado, thank you for asking! In response to your letter, I’d like to say:

1. I work hard to find my lunch. I put in effort to select it from co-workers’ lunch.

2. Why is “poor” in quotations? Do I need an explanation for the word? Australia’s food charities are for those in need. While I’m not above accepting the kindness of charities, I don’t need it (I get free lunch from the co-workers), I choose to leave it for those who have no co-workers to thieve from. Do you want me to use up the limited supplies meant for those who really need it?

3. I did ask you, last week, remember? I said “Hey Avocado, I don’t have money for lunch, would you mind sharing?” and you said: “Well, you would have money if you didn’t spend it all on those hideous clothes.” Not only did you hurt my feelings about my clothes, you made me go hungry. That was the start of taking lunches. ARE YOU HAPPY?!

4. Ask yourself whatever you want, it’s still talking to yourself, and we, the “sanies” don’t want to hear it.

5. I’d return what was stolen, but now it’s past the toilet, and into the ocean (much like Nemo). So, it’s irretrievable. I’m sorry.

Thanks for the lunch, I look forward to thieving from you again!
Mr. Guacamole

Although I’d love to return what was stolen,
It has already passed through my colon.
Your careful selection, by me disgraced,
Cannot possibly by me be replaced.
Next time bring something less unique,
I’ll still take it,
But I’ll replace it…if you don’t peek.

How was anyone supposed to know that a random avocado sitting around up on the 4th floor was spoken for?
Was there a Robinson Crusoe-like message carved into it as if were a coconut cast upon the seas, or what?

Dear F.O. Grundy of the AFB
We followed you and saw you abandon the avocado in a non native environment. After you left we rescued said avocado from crying in the wilderness and laid it gently on a nice bed of lettuce tomatoes and thickly sliced bacon.

“I invite you to return what was stolen, because even though I said I’d happily give it to you, I was actually lying about being generous. I suppose we still have a lot to learn and teach about telling lies too.”

Anglophile – maybe you need a sense of humor. Maybe you are just upset that someone ate your stupid avocado and stuck the pit up your bum. I can tell you have a bug up your butt if you have to judge others for thinking something is funny and you don’t. All I can say now is “bite me”.

Thank you for your kind reply, bikermomrt. You make several excellent points. I will take it under advisement, and if, at the end of extensive study, I do in fact come to believe that Comment #27 was undeniably the funniest comment I have ever read, you will be the first to know.

Here is what you should do: make a crappy lunch. Make it look appetizing, but feel free to spit in it and mess with it. This is for the lunch stealer. Bring money with you to go out and buy a lunch for yourself. Now, you got your pay back.

The only problem with those, aaa, is that Kathy with a K will feel compelled to throw your lunch out so it doesn’t contaminate her lunch, not waiting until the designated fridge clean-out time of three p.m. Friday.

I am disappointed in note whiner writer. He did not provide enough information He seems to be anal kind but even he did half assed job being anal too. He covered time and place of his lunch being at. Not a single word about was avocado in container or not? if it was did thief steal that too? what kind of container was that? or it was in a coach bag? how am I suppose to know which lunch is he talking about?

My belief that submittar is a quitter is supported by one more evidence.
He covered guilt(point # 1), self righteousness (#2 as far as he knows you know), condescension (# 3)
holier than thou, self inspection(# 4).
What about Jesus, bible and sin? what? waht?
and last but not least what about pink penises and lovely colors?
Sir I regret to inform you that you received only B- meticulous whimpering.

You would have shared? Really. A precious, rare and delicious avocado. The whole day spent with part of your bliss, swallowed by another. Are we being honest here? Creamy, fat-tongued Lover, sliding down the throat of another. You didn’t sleep, admit it. Blame the fruity nature of your desire. Who can resist the… Avocado?!

I didn’t eat your avocado, I threw it in the trash. It was green, wrinkled, and tasted weird – I thought it was a pear that had gone bad. … Why did I taste it? Well, if I hadn’t done you that favor, you could be dead from food poisoning right now.

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"The thing that drives me bonkers at work is to open up the trash can drawer and see a cup half-full of water that was carefully placed into the trash can so it doesn't spill--in a trash can an arm's length away from the kitchen sink!

99% of the people in my office are college graduates, probably toward the top of their class. But some without enough common sense to pour the water in the sink before putting the cup into the trash can.