Saturday, March 13, 2010

filth

I can't stop thinking about this. I want to ignore it, but I can't. I'm going to use this space as a template for my confessions yet again, I want to expose this ugliness, I want to feel the deluge of grace powered change in my heart.

I have been beyond excited about my upcoming trip to Austin. I love knowing that the wedding of a dearly loved friend is bringing me there, that I get to be a part of a day that will seal her with her love for life and that as a bonus I get to be with family. I am enamored by how much Corey's parents love our children, I never had grandparents like them, it is a treat to see their adoration and hear their words of praise for the mother I am learning to be. I am trying so hard.

But in all my genuine excitement there is this really ugly, selfish, deceitful story playing out in my thoughts. Thoughts of wanting to have free time to myself, of leaving my children with my in-laws for countless hours so I can just be by myself, go shopping, buy things I can't afford and don't need just because my husband isn't around to maintain my accountability. I've thought of shoes and purses I want, expensive meals I want to eat and movies I want to see. Now, these things, in and of themselves and not entirely negative, but how I covet them, how I think of them often and devise ways in my mind to hide the spent money from my family is pure greed and pure sin. I had to write it here because with each day I felt my grip on reality passing and found these plans making ever more sense. So yes, I will probably eat at my favorite couple of spots, and yes, I might even do a tiny bit of shopping, but here and now I stand up against the prowling lion of deceit and declare that it will all be open, all be honest, I will not let him win.

The shame of these thoughts has been brought to light not entirely by my own conscious, but also by my recent exposure to Compassion International and their recent project of sending popular bloggers to impoverished countries that they might share their experiences with their readers and some how inspire them to sponsor a child. I also thought these things were shams, that somehow my $30 a month was going into a greedy pocket somewhere, but after reading this and this I am all the more aware of how backwards our American thinking is when looking at the scope of everywhere else. GOD. I'm wanting a new bag and purse and then wondering if we can afford $38 a month so some kids some where can have a meal a week. Yeah. A WEEK. We can afford it, we will, we have to. How could we face our own children and say that we refused? I have never done this before, because it seemed so trivial, it never seemed like enough, but I wonder what ever would? I think that is the greatest scheme against changing this world, the whispers that one small act of generosity won't go far enough so why even do anything?

But it's wrong. That prince of darkness is wrong.

How beautiful and good could it be if everyone on your street sponsored one child? That could be what? 6? 10 children going to school, eating, given a chance to change their life that they might turn around and change others?

One YES means a thousand nos.

It means saying no to complacency, to self doubt, to selfishness and greed.

If there is ANY way you can make this work with what you have, won't you? Isn't that what this life is all about...taking care of those who need it?

3 comments:

I followed your link on Facebook and found your blog here - I didn't know about this one:) Anyway, we started sponsoring a Compassion child about six months ago. We so enjoy writing letters to our child, Franlin. And even more exciting is receiving his sweet letters/drawings in return. I think it's a wonderful lesson for Owen and a good reminder that sacrificing one meal out a month really CAN make a difference!

Enjoy your trip and don't forget to treat yourself to a few things - you deserve it!!!! You're a hard working mama!!!

Yes! Just today, I met a man from Uganda who was abaondoned by his father, found by a pastor on the shores of Lake Victoria and taken to Compassion's place there. A woman from AZ sponsered him from age 8 through college...he is now married and a pastor, here in the states to get his Master of Div. so he can go back to his country and train pastors there. We have sponsered a boy in Peru for several years, hope to add another boy from Africa soon, and will add a little girl when Eva is old enought to appreciate it! :) Sorry to ramble, but, YES! Compassion puts the money to wonderful use for children and God's kingdom. No better place for $38 a month!

Oh I just love hearing that so many people already know about this! How have I been in the dark for so long?! And you're so right Lauren, it's just one meal for us but a month's worth for a child...SO WORTH IT!