6/14/2005

Sean Hannity Loves Dick:After last night, it can no longer be denied: Sean Hannity loves Dick. He can't get enough Dick. He loves Dick so much that he wants Dick right in his face. Hannity stares straight at Dick and tells Dick how amazing Dick is. There's nothing Dick does that Hannity finds objectionable. Dick can thrust itself into places where no Dicks should be thrust, and Hannity would simply smile, happy to know Dick is there. Dick needs no justification for Sean Hannity. Just the fact that Dick exists and does everything that Dick does, well, who is mere Sean Hannity to question the ways of Dick.

Fresh from receiving magnificent head from Larry King, Dick Cheney slithered into a chair across from Sean Hannity for an interview for the Fox "News" show Hannity Will Pick His Teeth With Colmes. Over the weekend, the interview made news because Cheney said about the Gitmo campers who are kept in isolation for weeks on end, forced to wallow in their own shit, beaten, humiliated, and not charged with anything like a crime, "[T]hey are well-treated. Their medical needs are attended to. They're well-fed. They've got -- their religious requirements are catered to. If they want the Koran, they've got the Koran. These people are very well treated for terrorists. If you put them out on the street now and if you were to take action to release them, then you'd find yourself in a situation where the -- you may well find them back trying to kill more Americans. So we need a facility. If it's not Guantanamo, it's got to be something else. The function has to be performed."

And that function, one presumes, would be to deny prisoners any due process or Geneva Conventions oversight while forcing them into stress positions, questioning them endlessly, and, well, putting them into isolation for weeks on end, making them wallow in their own waste, beating and humiliating them. In other words, its specific function is for there to exist a United States-operated legal, moral, and ethical black hole. And our tax dollars pay for it (well, at least our tax dollars from, like, 2020). So if it ain't Gitmo, what's it gonna be, America? You want to keep 'em in your basements?

But it's okay, you see, because Gitmo is like Club Med, only with cages, significantly less forced sodomy, and lots of chicken, tasty fuckin' chicken, and rice motherfuckin' pilaf, and oh-so-yummy lemon-infused fishy goodness, said Republican Representative Duncan Hunter. In one of the most bizarro speeches, Hunter showed plates of food that the detainees allegedly chow down on, although it's hard to get all those delicious almonds in the rice pilaf when your fingers were broken during your interrogation rubdown.

The other part of the Hannity handjob that made news was Cheney's comments on Howard Dean. Said the man, who in August 2002 claimed "there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction. There is no doubt he is amassing them to use against our friends, against our allies, and against us," regarding Dean's recent aggressive stance against Republicans, "I think Howard Dean's over-the-top. I've never been able to understand he appeal. Maybe his mother loved him, but I've never met anybody who does." Well, love him or not, one can be sure that Andree Maitland Dean, a widow, does know her son was elected and re-elected governor of Vermont. Not Dick Cheney, though: "He's never won anything, as best I can tell." And on the amped up rhetoric of the Democratic Party, the man who told Patrick Leahy to "go fuck yourself" on the floor of the Senate said, "We try to be restrained. I've had times when people on the other side of the aisle led me to react rather harshly, but I did it in private. I didn't do it in public."

The rest of the interview was just the usual adminstration bullshit and lies interruped by sycophantic questions. Cheney did acknowledge the role illegal immigrants play in the American economy when Hannity tried to get Cheney to join him in a Fox-driven game of "Stop Those Fuckin' Wetbacks": "We've got millions of people here illegally. They are, on the one hand, an important part of the economy. They hold a lot of jobs that would not otherwise be filled."

And, in the funnest moment, Hannity asked the former oil executive, whose company did business with terrorist nations in order to ensure that the teat of black gold cash would flow no matter how many people were killed or tortured or how much the earth itself is fucked in pursuit of that filthy lucre, about global warming. Cheney, predictably, said, "I think we need to look at the facts. And clearly, there has been some warming. It's not clear exactly what caused it, how much of it's cyclical, how much of it's caused as a result of the activities of man." Cheney smirked and took out his engorged member. He nodded at the manly-jawed Hannity and winked in the direction of the pulsing penis. Hannity smiled. This meant something to him. As he bent down to his knees and licked his lips, he knew he had earned the trust of the Vice President.

The segment ended there and headed back to the studio where Hannity sat with Alan Colmes. Hannity demonstrated that not only does he love Dick, but he's a cocksucker, too. When Colmes tried to insist that perhaps the Vice President hadn't been very nice to Howard Dean, Hannity leapt on the desk and screamed, "Stop it, stop it. Look at my teeth. They are gleaming with semen, Vice Presidential semen, and I love the shine." Colmes sunk a little lower into himself before announcing that they would be back with more on the disappearance of that white girl in Aruba. It was par for the course. The show had demonstrated how newsworthy the interview was by spending the first thirty minutes of the hour on the Michael Jackson verdict.