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Being like Goldilocks – Finding a penis that’s ‘Just right’…

Where oh where did men get this idea that us women want the length of a football field and the width of the General Sherman? Not quite sure what a General Sherman is? Well, here you go…

Or even an Adansonia Grandidieri, which looks more like an ugly penis than the General Sherman does….

Either way, my point still stands that men have this notion that we want a tree trunk inside of us. I can’t imagine anything more visually horrifying and physically painful than the idea of shoving a tree trunk up my va-jay-jay. Just the thought makes me cringe. We are looking for a decent size like Goldilock’s mission to find something that was ‘just right’. Men, it is important to understand that it is most definitely not the quantity but the quality that makes us swoon. We want to be wooed, stimulated and be thought of first. We do not want to do all the work while you get satisfied and us to lay there afterwards, watching you sleep while thinking of ways to get you out the door or more like punching you in the junk ” accidentally”.

Now, I understand that some of you men are not that well endowed. Well, who cares. Own it. Don’t over compensate by being the biggest dick on the planet because chances are your store will go under due to the lack of repeat business. Instead, know that if you can learn how to satisfy a woman than she will stick with you for a very long time. I was once with a guy for 2 years simply because he knew what he was doing. In all other departments, he was a complete selfish douchebag. It’s sad to say that if it’s great sex women will be sticking around. Because like men, we too go a little crazy when it comes to having a good thing. And more to the point a penis who knows what it’s doing. We will even start making up excuses for a man’s shortcomings (no pun intended). ‘ Oh he forgot my birthday because he has been so stressed about work, Oh he didn’t realise that me not getting the promotion upset me, Oh he’s just tired’ and other stupid shit that we might tell our friends along the way. No matter how you spin it, lady you have officially become hypnotized by a cunning cock. And unfortunately there ain’t no spell that can break that trance.

When going through the process of finding a mate, us women take a lot of things in to account before we drop our panties. I, for instance like a man to be assertive, funny and packs some balls below the belt. I most certainly mean figuratively, no lady wants big ol’ gigantic easter eggs attached to her man. They absolutely don’t do anything other than slap and bounce off your ass and va-jay-jay while having sex. Which feels like you’re being hit with two mushy melted stress balls. Evolution most certainly had enough time to invert those nasty things back up into the man and just leave the penis itself. But no, we still have to play with these squishy things and pretend they turn us on while making moaning sounds as we are doing the job down there. They don’t call it a job for nothing you know! Squishing them in our hands while saying ‘ Oh look at these big juicy manly balls, I wanna suck these balls’ is just a snipet of what we have to do for our man. For the record no woman wants to suck on some squishy grapefruit sized balls that also happens to have straggly hairs here and there on them. Oh dear lord I think I might gag right now. Side note, I once had a guy that had tiny hairs around his penis with one longish rogue one taking centre stage. Imagine going down there and finding that surprise with your mouth. I never got up so quick in my life. I also wanted to triple bag that thing before he stuck it inside of me. No joke, my mind was fixated on the scraggly hairs and a new fear arose of me getting hairs up my va-jay-jay. Yeah I SAID IT!! Now you too can gag along with me.

Finding the right sized penis that’s attached to the right man is no mean feat. And I’m affraid that you are going to be kissing a lot of wonky lopsided frogs along the way until you find Mr. Right or Mr. Right-size. This quest isn’t for the weary and faint of heart. You will be faced with so many different obstacles along the way so you must be prepared to weed them out and move on.

You will be faced with tiny ones, who thrust so hard you feel like you are helping the earth move on it’s axis, which is not the right ‘making the earth move’ kind of vibe you are looking for. God bless those tiny penises. They will do there darndest to move you to an earthquake of an orgasm. But all that thrashing and swaying will make you feel like you are out to sea. So if you go down that route just be sure to have your sea legs ready and to be on the safe side pop a motion sickness pill in your mouth before your turbulent ride through the bermuda triangle begins.

You will be faced with penises that veer off to the left or right which will make you feel like a new hole is being created down there. Certain positions will be unattainable and slightly uncomfortable. You might just have to take charge and ride it sideways. Left to right, right to left. Or more like slide to the left, slide to the right.

You will be faced with the General Sherman sized penis where upon you might burst out into tears on the shear size of that goliath bad boy. This is when I say get your breathing right like pregnant women do when they go to a Lamaze class. You think I’m playing. But a big ol’ goliath sized penis ain’t no joke. You will find yourself pacing your breathing while bracing yourself for impact. Heee heeee hoooo hoooo-ing until sweat trickles off your forehead resulting from fear while tears form in the corner of your eyeballs all because the force is just too strong. You will loose your Mr. Miyagi zen concentration, your poor va-jay-jay will be broken and you will end up waddling slightly the next day. There is a reason why those porn ladies should be praised a little bit more for the grueling job that they have to do. And some of those bitches have two or more gigantic goliath sized tree trunks that they have to satisfy. All I can say is, no thank you to that.

You will also come in contact with the pesky turtle penis. What is the turtle penis? Well, just like when a turtle gets scared and reverts back into it’s shell a penis will do the same thing and deflate. One time I was with a guy that just couldn’t get it up and when he finally did, it was like a Thomas the Tank Engine rhythme ” I think I can, I think I can” going a bit faster and picking up steam when his little buddy stayed the pace. You should have seen the look on his proud little face. It was a look of champions. But then when we attempted to change positions it deflated again. This happened at least 8 times. We attempted sex 3 times properly. You do the math. My patience was shot, I was not into it, I of course didn’t get any pleasure out of it and I was ready to chop it off all together and solve both of our problems in one fell swoop. Now, don’t get me wrong. I know it happens to the best of penises. But it only happens once in an evening maybe twice if he’s super nervous and can’t relax. Not every time he tried to stick it in me. Let me tell you, at that moment the woman isn’t thinking about your flaccid penis. They are thinking, shit, I must look like a fat fucker that is melting this guy’s penis right off. Then we start thinking that we should have gone to the gym more times that week, and why did we have to have those 3 brownies and why we couldn’t just say no to that burger and fries and so on. This is what’s actually going on in our minds all the while you are prodding us with your limp member. Fellas, no matter how hard you try and shove that thing inside our hole it ain’t going to get in there. At that point it will feel more like a visit to our Gyno with all the prodding you are doing down there. So please, just call it a night and save us the trouble of us having to whisper gently in your ear and say ” It’s ok baby, it happens to all men that many times. It’s no big deal. Let’s just watch a movie or something.” We might however try the first two times to help your fella out by going down there ourselves and getting the job done right. But if it’s still deflated while I’m pulling out all the stops AND licking and squishing your balls around, that’s where I call it quits. Let me tell you, sloshing a floppy dick around in your mouth is a whole different set of skills. I’m not going to lie, I sometimes do find it a fun challenge to try and get it as hard as a rock, almost like working for a gold star and being labelled the top of the class. But honey, after 8 times I’m not really caring if I was failing at that point. I got shit to do, like sleep.

This brings me to the other extreme. The dreaded, peek-a-boo penis. The one that barely enters to say hi and just comes prematurely. Peek-a-boo, I’m done. While sometimes it would be nice to think, shit I’m just that hot that I can make a man come right on the spot, I can assure you that that thought process does not even compute properly in my brain. I most certainly never think I’m the shit. So I am left lying there once again stroking his hurt ego, whispering ” It’s ok baby, it happens to everyone. Don’t even sweat it.” I now, don’t even bother with this anymore. I am old enough to tell a man, this was a one time opening (literally) and my va-jay-jay will not be reopening for business any time soon for the foreseeable future. It’s not harsh. I just don’t want to waste my time anymore. I am looking for the perfect one (or close to it) remember? I don’t have the patience to see if it might learn new tricks. At this age you should have aquired enough tricks up your sleeve to get the job done right.

Now ladies, once going through all the different frogs out there you will be finally face to face with one that ticks all the right boxes. Not too big, not too small, not too crooked, not too thick, not too hairy and definitely not too thin. When you find the right one, you might even look at that bad boy square dead in it’s eye (see what I did there? Ha!) Hold it firmly in both your hands while your eyes widen with joy as you act like you have found the holy grail of penises. Ladies, you might even look at it like it’s the prettiest thing you have ever seen. And don’t gasp, but you will even want to suck those big juicy sweaty balls. You will do everything in your power to keep that great penis around. Some women go crazy over it and of course don’t know how to handle themselve once they find the right one. Don’t worry if your man is an asshole in all other departments, eventually those dick tinted glasses will wear off. Trust me, I am speaking from experience on that one.

Life is all about trial and error at the end of the day. It’s about learning from our experiences to find out what works for us. We are all indivuals with different tastes. What’s one woman’s goliath penis could be another woman’s perfect pretty penis. It’s all about finding your ‘just right’ companion that fits for you. Come to think of it, Goldilocks only had to go through it three times until she found the ‘just right’ one. Damn, that bitch had it easy!