Reckless. Distracted. Hysterical. Murderous. These are just some of the words you might use to describe the motor pool of American mothers who everyday strap their small children into car seats and get behind the wheel of their sensible, four-door sedans with only four hours of restive sleep and a belly full of sugar free Red Bull. Driving moms are dangerous, so dangerous, in fact, that an entire finger-wagging internet survey was devoted to figuring out just how virulent our maternal driving sickness is.

The survey results may shock you. According to a special, not-at-all-sensationalized report rhetorically titled "Is Your Baby Safe on the Road?" America's self-flagellating driving mothers have admitted to taking various ill-advised risks behind the wheel. Like, okay, American moms aren't shooting sake, blindfolding themselves, and screaming, "Banzai!" at their terrified toddlers as they steer their minivans into oncoming traffic, but they are talking on their cell phones, wiping the sleep out of their eyes, and take their eyes off the road to figure out what the fuck their shitball kid is wailing about in the backseat.

Ten percent of moms who participated in the survey of 2,396 U.S. mothers with kids under the age of two said they were in a crash while driving with their baby, a figure that is three times higher than the rate of car-crashers in the general population. That's probably because moms, unlike ordinary citizens of our mobile republic, are little more than sleep-deprived chauffeurs for children so young and stupid that they can't be trusted electrocute themselves if they're left home alone for the 15-minute span of an errand to Walgreens. A kitten is more trustworthy. Think about that before you reproduce, and then ask yourself, "Does the human race really need to perpetuate itself?" The survey found that 78 percent of moms talk on the phone while driving with their kids and 26 percent engaged in the car accident roulette of texting while driving with their kids in the car. Other moms admitted to the sin of tending their child's needs while driving, or of pretending that it's 1997, Twisted Metal 2 has just been released for the original Playstation, and they're about to beat Dark Tooth and unlock all the special levels.

Moms only get an average of five and half hours of sleep every night. That sleep, moreover, is usually interrupted by the banshee wails of their newborn children, creatures who have not yet learned how to conceive of their most pressing animal needs as anything other than personal catastrophes. According to Dana Points, editor of American Baby, the mixture of insomnia and distraction renders moms peculiarly incompetent drivers:

While we expect new moms to feel exhausted, we were shocked by their lack of focus while driving, especially when their baby or toddler is in the car. The combination of fatigue and distraction is a perfect storm where safety is concerned.

Shocked, Dana says, most likely sighing and wagging her finger. Although, also not shocked at all because moms are more tired and distracted than most other drivers. Well, which is it? Should we be collectively outraged that moms are shitty drivers, or should we get cracking on building those fancy high-speed rails the Europeans are always bragging about? Ha, trick question! The answer, as it is with all of today's problems, is jetpacks. Jetpacks will solve all of our problems. Babies wearing jetpacks, moms wearing jetpacks — in short, jetpacks for everyone.