Jaguars @ Browns

Weeks ago, this would have been an easy decision to side with Cleveland. But Jason Campbell’s confidence was short-lived and he predictably got injured, which allows for the last last chance for Brandon Weeden. I’ve seen enough of Weeden to advise he tries to re-start his baseball dream after the season. Some NFL team might give Brandon Weeden another opportunity to hold a clipboard as a back-up or third-stringer because Curtis Painter is still a back-up and teams keep giving John Skelton the chance to show how woefully inaccurate he can be at throwing the ball. On the other side, Jacksonville is finally starting to play competitively with Chad Henne sorta moving the football. With the Brandon Weeden scarecrow strategy the Browns are employing, expect the Jaguars to create turnovers and run the ball enough to win.

Win: Jacksonville Jaguars

Titans @ Colts

Dammit Donald! Reality was recognized earlier this morning as Indianapolis has justly pulled the plug on 2013 Trent Richardson. Trading for Trent Richardson proved to be more of a gamble than originally thought, but I still think the Colts can squeeze value out of Richardson next season. Offensively, I hate the philosophical shift from Bruce Arians (masking protection and taking risks downfield) to Pep Hamilton (conservative protection and runs with considerably shorter passing routes). Andrew Luck is Indianapolis’ most dangerous weapon, but the offense is not oriented around his strengths. Despite the shackles placed on Luck, Andrew the Giant has orchestrated impressive comeback drives to win many games. With Tennessee jockeying for a playoff spot guided by Ryan Fitzpatrick, this division match-up might be another situation where Andrew Luck must pull the horseshoe out of his ass for an Indy win.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Bears @ Vikings

No one knows what to expect out of either of these teams. Who is starting at quarterback for the Vikings nowadays? Did Minnesota just decide to eat those millions they moronically gave to Josh Freeman? Regardless of who is handing the ball off to Adrian Peterson, the Vikings will face an uphill climb against Chicago as long as the Bears wisely crowd everyone near the line and challenge Shitty QB #1 (Christian Ponder), #2 (Matt Cassel), or #3 (Josh Freeman). I don’t feel confident in Josh McCown to move the ball, but Chicago has more at stake with their playoff window closing whereas Minnesota should be sucking for success in the future. Expect a boring but close game for 60 minutes.

Win: Chicago Bears

Dolphins @ Jets

This must be the game of the week that no one cares about. Miami and New York are both incredibly bland and exceedingly unlikable. I would truly love for Rex Ryan to stop being a head coach in the NFL and for the Jets to remain shameful losers. The Dolphins have a stout defensive line that should pressure Geno Smith and potentially create turnovers. And Mike Wallace should be able to break loose again on some long distance throws launched by Ryan Tannehill. Of course, that just means the Jets will sack Tannehill 6 or 7 times and torture everyone by still sticking in the playoff picture. But I’ll continue to keep hope alive that the New York Jets will falter and fall out of playoff contention.

Win: Miami Dolphins

Cardinals @ Eagles

Nick Foles is playing out of his mind and the Philadelphia defense has been surprisingly effective in recent games. Carson Palmer hasn’t made crippling mistakes the past few weeks and the Arizona defense has been borderline dominant at times. Something has to give. Don’t trust the Eagles. Chip Kelly has managed to create offense despite mediocre weapons, but the Philly defense previously couldn’t stop anyone. Ultimately, this match-up comes down to whether you trust Carson Palmer or the Eagles defense more. I’ll side with Bruce Arians because I think he’ll put the Cardinals in the best possible position to win, which means a balanced offensive approach. As long as Arizona doesn’t have to endure a back-breaking interception, then the Cardinals should be able to control the tempo.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Buccaneers @ Panthers

Why is Greg Schiano still coaching?! I don’t understand why you would give Schiano the opportunity to save his job. Greg Schiano is not a good coach. I’m not sure if Riverboat Ron Rivera is a good coach either, but Carolina has considerably more talent. Unless the Panthers shit themselves, the Buccaneers should struggle to establish the run with their third-string running back. Good luck keeping Mike Glennon upright in the face of the surging Carolina defensive line. Cam Newton needs to put the team on his back and ensure the victory to really start earning all the hype.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Patriots @ Texans

Coming off last week’s relative upset over the Broncos, the Patriots must be feeling confident since they’ve made Stevan Ridley inactive after his fumbling problems persisted last week. Hopefully, that irrational cockiness comes back to haunt them, but it seems completely unlikely to pay dividends in this match-up against the Texans. Houston is just waiting out Schaubiak Era and there’s a real chance that the Texans could end up being one of the worst teams in the NFL. Don’t be surprised if this turns into a 30-point chasm.

Win: New England Patriots

Falcons @ Bills

Flip a coin to see who will win this game. Atlanta is awful and Buffalo is bad, at best. For reasons still rather unclear, the Bills will be playing this game in Toronto, which seems like a slap in the face to both the fans and the team—since it’s somewhat of a road game. For reasons very clear, I don’t give a shit who wins this match-up of mediocre teams. Matt Ryan needs to show people he’s capable of leading a team and Mike Smith’s job could really be in jeopardy if they lose to another shitty team.

Win: Atlanta Falcons

Rams @ 49ers

Jeff Fisher deserves serious credit for putting out the potential dumpster fire that started to smoke up once Sam Bradford went down for the season. Despite Kellen Clemens being their starting quarterback, St. Louis has created scores from seemingly nothing. I don’t think the magic can continue this week since San Francisco has started to re-gain their footing offensively, which should increase with improved health. Colin Kaepernick could vault himself back into the discussion of the most promising young QBs with another 3-TD game. Regardless of how they do it, the 49ers need to keep pace with the Arizona Cardinals.

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Broncos @ Chiefs

If you only listened to the press coverage of last week’s Broncos vs. Patriots match-up, then you might actually believe it was a great game. Despite what the talking heads yap at you, that was a horribly sloppy affair in frigid, unplayable weather. The Patriots seemingly fumbled away their chance at winning early by turning over the ball and facing a 3-score deficit. Although Denver benefitted from New England’s botched play, Peyton Manning never had the opportunity to establish a rhythm offensively. Denver’s shitty defense reared its ugly head and the Patriots positioned themselves for the victory. Regardless of the “Manning in Cold Temperature” rhetoric, Peyton calmly led a crucial game-tying drive after New England had just taken the lead. Unfortunately, the rest of the Broncos weren’t up to task and yet another monumental mistake by a Denver defender (a la last year’s playoff game against Baltimore) ruined the team’s opportunity to win. By the way, the NFL overtime rules are still embarrassing and only a minor improvement over the previous system. Coming off the sloppy tilt with the Patriots, the Broncos are now heading into Arrowhead against the bitter division rival Chiefs, which will likely be the determining factor in who takes home-field advantage in the playoffs. Kansas City is trying to weather the injury bug on defense while Denver will not operate with at full capacity on offense. Everything is set up for a close, competitive game—playing into Kansas City’s favor. But I expect Denver to establish a 10-point lead and push Alex Smith around with pressure from Von Miller.

Win: Denver Broncos

Bengals @ Chargers

What a remarkably boring match-up. Cincinnati has been a complete disappointment this year with inconsistent play from the Ginger Gunslinger while San Diego has been surprisingly competitive despite all-or-nothing performances from Philip “Little Dick” Rivers. Since both of these teams are near mirror images, San Diego’s home-field advantage should mean something. Riding the high from defeating the Chiefs, the roller coaster ride that is the San Diego Chargers would plummet with a loss to Cincinnati. Ultimately, the Chargers can connect more on downfield passes, and that big play ability could be the difference.

Win: San Diego Chargers

Giants @ Redskins

New York couldn’t stop Dallas as the end of the game last week, which effectively ruined any comeback chatter for this season. With most teams, that means everyone would pack up and just go through the motions for the remaining games. But the Giants have always been irrational and I don’t anticipate that stopping any time soon. On the other sideline, Washington has been transformed from a lavish oasis into a barren, post-apocalyptic wasteland. Whether Robert Griffin III is still hurt or just lost, his sophomore season has had very few highlights as he looks like a shell of his former dynamic self. As long as RGIII isn’t doing further damage, the Redskins need to keep trotting him out there and hope he gets in a groove. Going against the Giants defense, don’t expect a sudden breakthrough.

Win: New York Giants

Saints @ Seahawks

Seattle is the mecca of performance-enhancing drugs. After yet another suspension, the Seahawks are between a rock and a hard place, but they appear as comfortable as always. I hate the stupid look on Pete Carroll’s face and the phony demeanor of Russell Wilson. The Seahawks are so incredibly unlikable and deserving of suffering a setback in terms of home-field advantage in the NFC. But since this game is in Seattle, the Saints could have serious issues communicating and coordinating their offense at their typical maximum capacity. New Orleans needs a stable running attack to establish consistent offense on the road with an inconsistent defense that needs to force turnovers in order to be effective.