Thursday, February 7, 2013

Barbie® Lists Malibu Dreamhouse®

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A little birdie chirped to Your Mama earlier this week that Barbie®, the world's most famous and anatomically impossible doll, has put her internationally renowned Malibu Dreamhouse® on the market exclusively through Trulia with a dolltastic $25,000,000 price tag. That's right, children, Barbie® is selling up in The Bu.

Marketing materials Your Mama received via covert communique from the hardworking assistant to a superstar PR diva with whom we're friendly indicates Barbie's® Malibu bachelorette pad sits on an unusually roomy for Malibu 23,456 square foot lot with 150 feet of prime beach frontage. The towering, tri-level residence—generously described as "Contemporary Glam" in listing details—measures in at more than 8,500 square feet but includes just one bedroom and one bathroom. Guess that means when Skipper, Todd or Tutti come to town they have to curl up on the love seat or shack up in a motel.

The townhouse-like street-side, facade is, of course, all hot pink faux brick with flower petal shaped arched windows and flower boxes. The front door is tucked around the side and opens directly into an open-concept ground floor living/dining/kitchen area. Listing information indicates the moldings are pink, the hardwood floors are a custom-tinted Pantone® 219C and the ceilings are "voluminous," a damn good thing since Barbie® is significantly taller than the average human being.

The adjoining kitchen area is quite compact for an 8,500-ish square foot house. It's a kitchenette, really, but that makes sense. Just look at Barbie® and her itty-bitty waist. That gal can't eat more than a spoonful of yogurt a couple times a week and maintain a figure link that. Anyhoo, listing information shows the pink Poliform-brand kitchen has cotton candy pink cabinetry, hot pink granite counter tops and all the necessary appliances an ever-young and curvaceous but pin-thin doll could ever need.

There does not appear to be a staircase, which means access to the upper two floors is only via the tiny elevator that's wrapped in filigreed detailing that depicts the famous home owner's pony tailed profile. The elevator lifts by way of a pulley system to a cozy second floor sitting room outfitted with a sky blue tile floor, a pink crystal chandelier, a tufted Victorian settee—in hot pink, natch—and a flat screen t.v. surmounted over a self-crackling fireplace.

Listing information reveals Barbie's® lone bathroom, located just off and open to the second floor sitting room, has a single pedestal sink, radiant heat flooring and a stand-up corner steam shower with a glass door that, like the elevator, is imprinted with Barbie's® pony tailed profile.

The penthouse level master bedroom doesn't have an attached private bathroom—for that Barbie® must hustle her tiny hiney into the elevator and head downstairs—but it does have a fabric draped canopy bed and a fitted closet for all her bikinis, handbags and her high-heeled beach sandals. The bedroom opens up to a small terrace girdled with an ornately scrolled railing and has a sexy-sexy hot tub for two and multi-million dollar Queen's Necklace to Point Dume views.

We're not really sure what sort of—ahem—doll might want to buy Barbie's® beach side Dreamhouse® but Your Mama thinks Mister Altman may want to reach out to some of those goulish and increasingly popular Monster High dolls like, say, Cleo de Nile™ or Venus McFlyTrap™who would surely Goth the place up with cobwebs, crucifixes and scads of candelabras.

I went to the opening of the malibu house by Johnathon Adler. I can not image its stayed the same from several years ago. Being from the East Coast I don't understand living on a Highway for views of the beach.

The Rabbi wishes to discretely inquire if Barbie's highly important furniture is separately available for sale, including especially the Thomas Chippendale camelback sofa from Philadelphia, the button-tufted Victorian horsehair settee from New York, and the ever-so-romantic lit a la Polonaise?

Barbie has no doubt squandered her inheritance on innumerable designer handbags, shoes and hats, not to mention profligate spending on an extensive and mostly unnecessary wardrobe, and is now being forced to market her heavily-mortgaged Malibu property prior to forclosure. We sincerely hope that Barbie at the least breaks even following the transaction.

Larry Ellison is her $ugar daddy, duh! But she's grown tired of him and so she's blackmailing him with a sex tape and moving on up. Malibu is so cliche anyways, she's ready for the platinum triangle. Barbies Beverly Park Dream HouseA pink chateau by Richard Landry