DAYTON, OH—Explaining his disappointment with the overall experience lately, local man Brett Thomas confirmed to reporters Thursday his plans to stop tipping unless the service at Calvary Baptist Church of Dayton improves significantly.

“I remember a few years ago, the service was way better,” Thomas noted. “I could tell the greeters were excited to see me walk in the door. Sometimes there were little donuts or danishes, just sitting right out for the taking. They went out of their way to make me feel special—and I tipped accordingly.”

But, much to his dismay, Thomas has noticed some changes recently. “I don’t know if it’s new owners or what, but the experience just doesn’t have the same energy, the same vibe it used to. The worship team seems to fall flat a lot more often. The pastor’s been teaching from the Old Testament. The ushers don’t seem as sincere. The programs aren’t as nice as they used to be. The pencils aren’t as consistently sharp. It’s the little things, you know, that make all the difference.”

Brett Thomas believes if a church wants to be compensated, they need to earn it.

“Do they really expect a good tip with service like that? I might throw a five or maybe a ten in the plate, but don’t even talk to me about percentages until we start getting some decent service here,” Thomas lamented, shaking his head. “And the pastor has the gall to do a sermon on tithing last month. You want to talk about net and gross? I’ll tell you what’s gross—the coffee you serve at this church.”

A visibly frustrated Thomas added, “I hope it doesn’t come to this, but I’ll tell you—on more than one occasion the wife and I have discussed taking our business elsewhere.”