Tag: travel

In other McNews, actor Keanu Reeves told the Hollywood Reporter this week that he is the only real actor left, and that everyone else is locked into a titanium sensor grid at the center of the earth, dreaming their lives away, doing sequels. Giving the weather report from the surface, Reeves claims that nuclear winter has been a reality for “some time now,” and that no groundhogs are still alive to see their shadow, if they could. “It’s very dark and windy up here,” the actor reported from Grid phone 16345.58. “Scattered acid rains and radioactive tornadoes have covered southern California, and are moving east at 220 MPH. Expect hurricane force propane clouds to hit Florida in about an hour as the Troguldites from Centuri 9 plan to burn away the last remaining mosquitoes prior to colonization.” When asked why the aliens chose to keep him on the surface to witness all this, Keanu claimed ignorance, but said he has given up drinking for the time being.

A woman living in a trailer was discovered dead, sleeping on a mattress with $150G used as stuffing. $350G more was found used as insulation in her walls. Gertrude “Izzy” Rosenstein had no living relatives, and hadn’t been on vacation in 20 years. She ate Ramen noodles, and feared banks, going out, and squirrels. According to cable company records, she watched the Food Network, The Kardashians, and The Travel Channel…although the bulk of her time was spent watching game shows, televangelists, and other reality TV shows. She left a Will written on a pizza box, leaving her “estate” to Victor Cashman, a preacher now living in Dubai after being acquitted of fraud in Florida. No other details are known at this time. Except that she was once married to an executive at Goldman Sachs.

In other McNews, Dubai police are employing robots who can’t shout “Stop or I’ll shoot!” because they have no mouths. They also have no guns, so they can’t shoot. Some people are trying to use them as teller machines, but they have no money either. And the author of the scifi story “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream” (Harlan Ellison) is considering a lawsuit just for the fun of it.

Finally, is Mario Batali from Italy? Not the chef, but his spaghetti. According to the author of THE MIND SPAN DIET all flour products in America have added iron, which is a suspected cause of Alzheimers and Parkinsons. In Italy they do not “enrich” with iron, and have far less cases of these diseases (also they eat less meat.) So why is there added iron to Batali’s pasta products, listed as “Product of Italy”? Note that Alma’s have zero iron, listed as 100% Italian whole wheat. Of course health is not a subject likely to be touted on cooking shows and Iron Chef competitions. All that matters is taste. Expecting them to discuss health or PETA is like asking Mr. Wonderful on Shark Tank to discuss Pope Francis. “Crawl out of here like the cockroach you are.”

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POP Quiz: Only one of the above paragraphs is real. Can you guess which?