found porn on hubbys phone

Just where do I go from here?

Last night my hubby left his phone at home and it went off. I checked the text and sorted it out for him then went into his photo's and video's to view our sons birthday. I got the shock of my life when I found about 8 porno video's on that he has downloaded over the last twelve months - one even downloaded on my birthday.

I am totally shattered by this. I feel as though he has cheated on me and I am not good enough for him. Is he picturing these women when he is with me in bed? Obviously we had a blazing row last night when he returned from work and now we are not talking.

We have been married for eight years and have three children between us as well as my daughter from my previous marriage and I now feel totally betrayed by him. I know it is early days but all the trust, respect and honesty I thought we had has just evaporated. I am on the verge of leaving him as this has totally broken me.

The children are all upset, as whilst they do not know about the situation, they have seen me today virtually unable to cope with the basic household chores. I just keep on crying and cannot stop.

I am at my wits end here. Has anyone else been in this situation as I could do with some advice from someone outside of the situation. At present I cannot bear the thought of him near me.

it can be hurtful but as long you know thats all it is men are odd yet so simple their brain is in their trousers i know my hubby has some on his phone and watches it on telly it doesnt bother me cause we dont have a sex life i have no drive i prefer him watching that and being able to deal with me. i dont if all men r like this but mine if he hasent had some form of release he is a nightmare. try watching some yourself see what the deal is hope that helps he prob does see anythin wrong

hello, i think most men are like this. My other half has some on his phone, he has a video and loads of mags in the bedroom, it bothered me at first (about 4 years ago when i found it!!) but now im not bothered at all - it keeps him happy when i cant / dont want to!!

it can be hurtful but as long you know thats all it is men are odd yet so simple their brain is in their trousers i know my hubby has some on his phone and watches it on telly it doesnt bother me cause we dont have a sex life i have no drive i prefer him watching that and being able to deal with me. i dont if all men r like this but mine if he hasent had some form of release he is a nightmare. try watching some yourself see what the deal is hope that helps he prob does see anythin wrong

Cassandra, that is what is hurting me so much. We had a very intimate close sex life and now I just feel he was thinking of the porn whilst with me. I have viewed it and it has disgusted me on how the women in it behaved. Does he think of women including me in that light?

HI have you never talked about likes and dislikes about sex during your time together?Did your hubby know how you feel regarding pornography?And was your private life prior to you finding the vidoes ok?My and hubby sex life has gone from making love every day to now maybe 1-2 a week my hubby does get neglected now my son is here but he is not perfect either.In Jan i found text messages and photos from another woman on his phone and managed to keep my cool and talk the problem over.Idid agree that i did neglect his needs but pointed out the reason why .He said he was not seeing anybody but had just text and kept the photos.Idid give him an ultimatum thoe and so far things seem to be ok.Maybe you both need to sit down and talk propally about your needs and hopes for the future.

I know this feels like betrayal right now, but in some way its good that he's using porn as an outlet and not something worse.

Maybe doing something a little saucy was a little thrill for him, especially as he probably had a fair idea that it would upset you, maybe that added to its effect and such feelings can be very powerful and addictive, hence why he's got quite a few. Dont worry, its not the slippery slope into an affair that some think it is, Infact , if he is looking at porn I think he's less likely to be looking at other women.

I doubt he is thinking about the porn when he's in bed with you, not unless he'd been looking at it becuase he wanted to find ways of enhancing your love life.

My hubby has been known to look at porn sites from time too time, I just get upset when he looks at stuff that I think is inappropriate, but most of its pretty harmless. Most of the blokes I know have it on thier phone or in a magazine under the bed somewhere... My DH always tries to hide it from me even though he knows I'm not bothered, because I think he feels embarrased, maybe that is why your DH wont talk to you about it...

Try not to be too upset with him or you will either add to it's attraction and make him do it more, or he will stop doing it, and you know what kids do when you take thier toys away!!!...

Hi Geri,
I have been in that situation and I know exactly how you are feeling. But please take a bit to think things over. Your husband makes love to you. It safe its nice its what he wants. YOU are what he wants. Yet porn is classed as dirty, sordid as a secret. Its like the forbidden thing. Most men view porn alot in their own privacy and will happily enjoy it. Yet it is not as good as the real thing with their wives. Its almost like a fantasy to them and for the few minutes of pleasure they get they are happy. Yet take it away and you have your husband. The one that looks after you, treats you nice, makes love to you in reality.

I doubt that he thinks of 'porn' women when he is with you or making love to you. Because YOU are the reality, porn is a fantasy. Thats why men do it I think.

Try and calm down and speak to your husband calmly. Tell him how you feel, how porn makes you feel and how you are looking at your situation. Chances are your husband is ashamed, embarrased and feeling guilty for making you feel like this. If your husband thought of 'porn' women while with you do you think he would be so shallow as to still be with you? I dont think so.

Cassandra, that is what is hurting me so much. We had a very intimate close sex life and now I just feel he was thinking of the porn whilst with me. I have viewed it and it has disgusted me on how the women in it behaved. Does he think of women including me in that light?

i dont think men read that far into things to men i think porn is form of letting yourself go its like when women talk for ages it helps us relax get things out this prob sounds wierd.
if you dont want him looking at it give him an ultimtuim otherwise tell him as long s dont find it and that it is him only looking thats what i do and make sure he treats you special if he is intimate with you not tying to get you to all sorts in the bedroom he isnt thinking of nything else

I think that could have been my OHs phone you looked at! I always think that you need to be ready to find things if you go looking!

Its porn, nameless bodies having sex. If it were pictures of normal women with their bits out accompainied by a personal message you amy have more to worry about.

You need to tell him how upset you have been over this hun, I think you are getting in a huge state over pretty much nothing. Talk to him before you get any more wound up. Im sure he loves you and your children, you would be silly to let something like this ruin what you have built up over the years.

I know this feels like betrayal right now, but in some way its good that he's using porn as an outlet and not something worse.

Maybe doing something a little saucy was a little thrill for him, especially as he probably had a fair idea that it would upset you, maybe that added to its effect and such feelings can be very powerful and addictive, hence why he's got quite a few. Dont worry, its not the slippery slope into an affair that some think it is, Infact , if he is looking at porn I think he's less likely to be looking at other women.

I doubt he is thinking about the porn when he's in bed with you, not unless he'd been looking at it becuase he wanted to find ways of enhancing your love life.

My hubby has been known to look at porn sites from time too time, I just get upset when he looks at stuff that I think is inappropriate, but most of its pretty harmless. Most of the blokes I know have it on thier phone or in a magazine under the bed somewhere... My DH always tries to hide it from me even though he knows I'm not bothered, because I think he feels embarrased, maybe that is why your DH wont talk to you about it...

Try not to be too upset with him or you will either add to it's attraction and make him do it more, or he will stop doing it, and you know what kids do when you take thier toys away!!!...

Its not the end of the world honestly...

I agree 100% would you rather he look at porn or cheat? i know what i would choose. my husband looks at porn, he openly admits what he has on his phone and what he has downloaded..we watch porn together and he feels open to me to talk about what he likes to look at and why.. porn is just a fantacy and the women are nothing like your everyday wife/mother, that doesnt mean our/your husband dreams of them at night. men are very visual hence why they like porn so much. it killed me at first when i first realised hubby was looking at in when ever i was in bed or out the house.. so i figured the old saying cant beat them join them. I then realised his liking of porn had nothing to do with me at all..men just arnt build the same way we are(in everyway lol) And to be honest our now open honesty has made our sex like so much better..

Really hun dont let it kill your relationship, its nothing to worry about, have a nice relaxing evening one night few bottles of wine and discuss it, im sure you will realise its nothing horrid agenst you. you never know maybe you can enjoy it together one day

Whats wrong with a little bit of soft porn(as long as it isnt horribel ie kids , annimals etc). I would rather know he watched it occasionally then go out and look for someone else.
I think men are more childish and less emotional. My hubs occasionally looks at soft porn on the internet but our comp is inl iving room and we laugh about it. I dont really like it but I would rather have him being honest than hiding.

Trust me all men watch porn at some tie in there lives, aslong as it doesnt interfere with your sex life then i think its fine, i think men just soemtimes want a bit of relief without having to think about there oh's, maybe he doesnt want to bother you sometimes with sex as he thinks your maybe tired or not in the mood or something?
i really dont think its worth throwing a perfectly good relationship away over a bunch of women who he's never gonna meet[smilie=056.gif]
its you his with ,he's not out cheating hun, men see things different to us women sometimes. talk to him im sure he will be able to reassure you that its nothing to do with your looks, performance or anything like that, please try not to get upset over it, its just porn not real life hun xx

I think that could have been my OHs phone you looked at! I always think that you need to be ready to find things if you go looking!

Its porn, nameless bodies having sex. If it were pictures of normal women with their bits out accompainied by a personal message you amy have more to worry about.

You need to tell him how upset you have been over this hun, I think you are getting in a huge state over pretty much nothing. Talk to him before you get any more wound up. Im sure he loves you and your children, you would be silly to let something like this ruin what you have built up over the years.

i agree
my oh watches it too, i don't mind i knew from the beginning, he doesn't bother much now though but we're open about it and i don't mind if and when he does, better to be looking at nameless bodies like mel said than looking at real people elsewere...
its a shock if you had no idea i can imagine, no wonder your upset
i hope you manage to resolve it he must be upset your upset too xxx

Thanks for all the replies. I am a bit more calmer now, and, after reading your comments I have been able to put the whole situation into a broader picture.

I realise now my biggest issue over this was not the porn - it was the secret, that he was going behind my back. We have an extremely regular and good intimate relationship and can talk very openly about our intimacy. That is why I was so shocked when I saw his phone.

We have talked a little over this weekend although not as much as we should of. Too many kids milling about! He realises and understands where my hurt has come from and I do genuinely believe he is truly sorry for the upset he has caused.

Now I have got my head around the situation I understand that I am not that upset that he is looking at the stuff, I just wish I knew about it and it was part of our relationship whether I liked it or not. I admit I am not keen on it but I think we can work around this once we get back to normal, we can work on this together as we are a close couple.

Again, thank you to all who commented because it has really helped me come to terms with this what is now a minor problem.

We will work through it. I am not about to leave him now because I feel it is too small an issue to split the family. I have been through divorce before and it isn't pleasant. Our family is a good family, very close and we generally have a pleasant life together. A few dirty videos - that he has now deleted - isn't worth the pain of the family splitting up.

Obviously the next step is for him to understand the trust and honesty needs to be rebuilt. If he wants to look at the stuff let me know about it. That's all I need.

Finally.....again. Thank you so much, it's not the sort of thing you want to discuss with your closer friends. I had no where to turn, and you all have helped me come to a reasonable decision more than you can imagine.

Hi Geri
I'm so glad you managed to talk to him about it and sort something out. Thank you also for sharing this with us, lots of members do feel the same way as you and I hope your experience and how you handled it helps them too.
Donna x