Friday, March 15, 2019

Dusty Springfield.What kind of name is that?Brings to mind a deadly bout of allergies.But I digress. The reason her name has come up at all is because of her 1966, number-4-on-the-charts hit, "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me". It's 491 on Rolling Stone's list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time, and it had a bit of a journey getting there.This symphonic pop song started out its life as an Italian ditty titled "Io Che No Vivo Senza Te" (literal translation, "I will not live without you"). It was written by Giuseppe Donaggio and Vito Pallavicini, who probably were not members of the Mafia, no matter what you might be thinking.British pop diva, Sneeze Inducer - er - Dusty Springfield, heard the song and asked TV producer Vicki Wickham (say that over and over until you giggle) to write some English lyrics for it. The manager of the Yardbirds, Simon Napier-Bell, helped out and "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" was born.

And a more pathetic, pleading, clinging, Fatal Attraction soundtrack has never been written:

When I said, I needed you

You said you would always stay

It wasn't me who changed, but you

And now you've gone away

Don't you see that now you've gone

And I'm left here on my own

That I have to follow you

And beg you to come home

You don't have to say you love me

Just be close at hand

You don't have to stay forever

I will understand

Believe me, believe me

I can't help but love you

But believe me, I'll never tie you down

Sounds EXACTLY like you want to tie me down and keep me wrangled. Run away, Vito! Run away!

Friday, March 8, 2019

You know how when people say "To make a long story short" it doesn't really result in making their story any shorter? Yeah, well, this is kinda like that.

Not that I'm complaining, but......when the weather forecast changes every four hours, it doesn't make any sense to worry or whine about what the weather app on your phone says is going to happen a week from now....convenience store employees that don't know how to smile or use complete sentences ought not to be convenience store employees....trying to use a coupon that expired 18 months ago and getting upset when it doesn't work should be grounds for a slap upside the head....people really need to start doing the zipper merge, and that includes when a lane ends just beyond a traffic light. And in the same vein......picking up your baggage at the airport would be a lot less stressful for everyone if all the wise, thoughtful people would just stand the farnsworth back a couple feet instead of crowding up to the carousel like a bunch of pigs at a trough. Everyone could see down the whole carousel and be prepared for their piece of luggage, instead of having a 10-inch window of opportunity to recognize your bag, elbow past the Yorkshire crowding the carousel, grab your luggage, and be dragged through the next four Herefords while trying to unwedge your Samsonite from under some sow's set of skis.Just sayin'.

Friday, March 1, 2019

From The Almost the Truth Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean:Abandoned (v) - Allowed a formerly forbidden activityAbominable (n) - An explosive device that can't explodeAdapts (n) - Smartphone software that creates merchandising messagesBaccalaureate (n) - A sack of leftovers from Laurie's mealBalladeer (v) - Form a sphere with a buck or doeCablevision (n) - Electronically-charged particle in a taxi driver's blue jeansDangly (adv) - In a not-quite-damning mannerDeclassifiable(clause) - A possible answer when asking a student with a sprained ankle where they are goingEarthly(v) - Lithening to thomething thecretlyEavesdropped (clause) - What happened when the edge of the roof collapsedEclipse (v) - What a male barber does when a customer sits in is chair.

Friday, February 22, 2019

Just because you really like a song and it makes you feel a certain way doesn't mean the song means what you think it means.Know what I mean?

Case in point, "Running on Empty" by Jackson Browne. According to Rolling Stone, it's the 492nd greatest song of all time.I would personally put it higher on the list (which would give it a lower number, if I'm not confusing you). I mean, I even wrote about this particular song in my inspirational blog, Truth Is.... (Honest! I really did. Click here to read it.)Lyrics like "Gotta do what you can just to keep your love alive / Trying not to confuse it with what you do to survive" really make it seem like the song is an important coming-of-age artistic expression.And then I go and read Rolling Stone's write-up:

The track was actually written when Browne was driving back and forth to the studio each day to make The Pretender. "I was always driving around with no gas in the car," he said. "I just never bothered to fill up the tank because -- how far was it anyway? Just a few blocks."

Friday, February 15, 2019

Some people will do practically anything to make their work situation more fun.I am some people.At the FastStop convenience store/gas station/cigarette emporium I work at part-time, when authorizing the pumping of fuel without the use of a payment card at said pump, my co-workers are satisfied with a quick, bland, and boring "Go ahead, Pump 4," or "Pump 5, you're cleared for inside payment."To which I say, "Zzzzzz...."When the mic is in my control, all heaven breaks loose.

Friday, February 8, 2019

I know it's probably hard to believe, but sometimes even I get confused.I was in a local restaurant's restroom...minding my own business...when I was confronted at the towel dispenser with this symbol.

I think it's probably meant to tell me to wave my hand in front of the towel dispenser in order to get the towel dispenser to dispense towels, but there are other possibilities:

Hi, there!

Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't understand.

High five!

The hand is being pulled back in a slingshot and is about to be released.

Friday, February 1, 2019

In July of 1963, the #MeToo movement wasn't even a shadow of a consideration of a possibility of a thought.Not that sexual harassment and assault wasn't happening in 1963. It was happening, but according to the 493rd greatest song of all time, "Then He Kissed Me," it was "a consummation devoutly to be wished."I know, I know...that Shakespearean quote is 1) out of context, and 2) too literal to be used in this age of political correctness and sensitivity.But check it out. This whole song is the story of a girl being absolutely giddy about being approached by a good-looking stranger and then overcome by the romance of the dancing and the stars.

Observe verse one:

Well, he walked up to me and he asked me if I wanted to dance

He looked kinda nice and so I said I might take a chance

When we danced he held me tight

And when he walked me home that night

All the stars were shining bright

And then he kissed me

Verse two is an example of the dangers of combining Stockholm Syndrome, a lack of creativity ("didn't know just what to do"), and verbal catchphrases:

Each time I saw him I couldn't wait to see him again.

I wanted to let him know that he was more than a friend.

I didn't know just what to do

So I whispered I love you

And he said that he loved me too

And then he kissed me

According to the song's bridge, this fella had skills, though:

He kissed me in a way

that I've never been kissed before

He kissed me in a way

that I wanna be kissed forevermore

Then the third verse ends the tale with an example of the sad, sad truth that men will pretend love in order to get sex, and women will give sex in order to get love:

I knew that he was mine so I gave him all the love that I had

And one day he took me home to meet his mom and his dad

Then he asked me to be his bride

And always be right by his side

I felt so happy I almost cried

And then he kissed me

But hey, it's got a good beat and it's easy to dance to. [Holds fingers in ears and chants "La la la! I can't hear you!"]