Thursday, September 17, 2009

It's not that I'm opposed to honesty. In fact, I try to be an honest person with high integrity. I really dislike telling untruths--even "white lies."

But I'm a bottle-er. Hence the "no crying mama" moniker. I don't try to avoid crying, I just don't. Rarely. I have a hard time being honest when things are challenging. I don't lie...I just don't talk about it. When there are several days of silence on my blog, it's usually because I'm going through a difficult time.

So, the honest truth is...

It's hard being a working mom of three young kids. I have an amazing job that affords me many family perks and flexibility. But, it's still hard. I'm exhausted by the end of a workday. Being a pastor requires emotional energy. Being a mom and wife requires emotional energy.

I'm thrilled Miss Rose is in Kindergarten, but that also means leaving at 7:30am--having all of my work things ready, the little girls ready to go wherever they are going that day and of course Miss Rose's lunch, snack, papers etc. It feels like no matter how much prep I do the night before, no matter how early I get up, we are still rushing out of the house. And I still have to go back in at least once for a forgotten item. Last week I had to return home after dropping off Miss Rose because I had left my breastpump at home.

Bean is an amazing help. He gets Miss Rose up and dressed before he leaves for work. And often Gracie is demanding her "prilly dress" bright and early, so she's dressed too. He always asks me how he can help before he leaves. But he can't change when the baby poops or projectile vomits before we leave. Or when Gracie has an accident outside the classroom while waiting to say goodbye to Miss Rose.

We are blessed to have family caring for the little girls on my work days. But that is an ever-changing flux. We are once again changing up the plan, which means finding a new normal and routine for each day. The new plan SHOULD last for an extended period of time, but you just never know. Sometimes they are at our house, sometimes elsewhere. For some reason, the uncertainity of it all is hard on me.

Want to hear how my Wednesday went this week?

Arrived to drop Miss Rose off. Gracie had an accident in front of the classroom, so I had to go tell the office. When I returned, Miss Rose was in tears because her teacher hadn't opened the classroom yet. Stripped Gracie down nude, wrapped her bottom half in a blanket I had in the car and drove home where I was dropping them back with my mom.

Got Gracie cleaned up and dressed. Left for work. There was a whole coordination going on of my sister in law coming over with her kids, my mom getting Miss Rose from school for a short time, so all the kids could put their handprints in the newly poured cement for the almost complete addition. I wasn't involved in that--but it still weighed on me during work, hoping it was easy for all involved and that Miss Rose got back in time for her first visit to the library.

Wednesday is Miss Rose's half day and it's not an easy feat carting the little girls to school. So I left work and picked her up and brought her home to my mom. Lily was fussy and her nap schedule was off, and the moment she saw me, she just wanted comfort. So I nursed her and put her to bed. Back to work.

Home at the end of the day, nurse the baby, head off to Rubio's for dinner before church. Church, home and finally bed for kids and soon after for me.

Did I mention that I have a cold this week and I was full of sinus pressure and a headache? Or that there is massive construction related stuff going on right now? Or that I almost flashed construction workers because we don't have curtains on all the windows in the back and I wasn't fully dressed yet? Lovely. Just lovely.

I'm realizing more and more how much predictability and stability keep me centered.

Some days, many days, life feels like a complicated walz that I'll never learn the moves to.

Just when I think I've learned the choreography, it changes.

I know that I am not the only one with these kinds of struggles. I'm sure if I talked with many of my mom-friends, they'll have similar stories to tell. It's just life. It's life with small children.

I still love my life. I love my children and I even love their closeness in age. I'm not complaining. Honestly, I'm not.

In fact, I'm learning to rejoice no matter what. To be anxious for nothing. To remember that even when the snapshots of my life don't make sense or are full of craziness, the panorama that God sees, is perfect in his eyes.

Life is a dance. And unfortunately, I've not got much rhythm. Just ask my friends! But I'm trying to learn. To go with the flow. To trust the Lord I dance with. To let him take the lead and just follow. Because I know that my life is beautiful. Even if sometimes it's a beautiful mess.

I don't think (per your most recent post) that this was a negative post. I think there is power in being able to write your truth. It tends to take the power of the negativity of the feeling. There is also comfort in knowing that the things that make me anxious (i.e. having family watch your kids and how it is let's say flexible) feel the same to you. Thanks for helping me feel a bit more normal.