Archive for the ‘Business’ Category

NEW YORK – Shadowy militant organization Standard & Poor’s, which just days ago reduced the United States’ credit rating from AAA to Less Than AAA, has struck again. The target this time: The sneeze.

A representative from S&P announced earlier today that the sneeze was being downgraded from a religious experience to a biological function. Reading from a prepared statement, the spokesperson said, “It has been determined that the soul does not, in fact, leave the body during a sneeze. The sneeze is no more significant than the cough or the hiccup. We are advising people to stop saying, ‘God bless you,’ after someone sneezes. It’s stupid and a waste of time.”

Indeed, most economists agree that, in the United States alone, office employees who stop to bless sneezing co-workers cost more in lost productivity every year than pornography and death. The tradition also causes a backlog in America’s court system, with atheists regularly suing their employers for allegedly permitting hostile work environments.

Many religious groups, on the other hand, are calling the S&P downgrade, “another volley in the War on Christmas.”

Creationism advocacy group Y6K (Yes, the Earth is 6000 Thousand Years Old) issued a statement today claiming, in part, “Our scientists, all graduates of Y6K University, which is fully accredited by the Y6K Accreditation Society, have proven that Satan tickles your nose with a feather just before you sneeze. Only by saying, ‘God bless you,’ is the soul returned to the nostrils and saved from an eternity in the fires of Hell.”

Marcus Bachmann, Y6K’s president and husband of GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann, was busy trolling gay bars in disguise and could not be reached for comment.

Standard and Poor’s is no stranger to controversy. Last October, the organization’s co-founder, Montague Poor (pictured above), was arrested for throwing feces at competitor Dow Jones, who was exiting a nightclub in the SoHo section of New York City. The charges were dropped when a judge ruled that feces throwing, while disgusting, is not illegal.

Two months later, S&P found itself in the news again when it downgraded your sister from “skank” to “fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down,” their lowest rating.

ISLAMABAD – Donald Trump, real estate magnate and possible candidate for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012, is being sued by Osama Bin Laden’s relatives for breach of contract, according to court papers filed today in Islamabad, Pakistan. Bin Laden was recently killed while living at a secret lair built by Trump’s company, Luxury Lairs, Inc.

In a statement released to the press, lawyers for Bin Laden’s family said, “Mr. Bin Laden was led to believe it was a secret lair, yet it was neither hidden inside a mountain nor disguised as a half-sunken ship or a huge magical mushroom. It was an ugly white building that any passerby could plainly see. That fact cost Mr. Bin Laden his life.”

The Bin Ladens’ lawyers also claim the lair came with a 15-year “no infiltration” money-back guarantee – which is standard in the secret lair industry – and are seeking punitive damages.

Long considered to be world’s number one terrorist, Trump denies having promised anyone it was secret lair.

“It’s a compound,” Trump told The Anvil via telephone today. “I told them it was a compound. These people are clearly ignorant jerks who don’t know what a compound looks like. They’re stupid, ignorant people.”

Trump also said, “Show me where the words, ‘secret lair’ appear in the contract. I’m waiting.”

When told of Trump’s comments, Bin Laden’s niece, Trixie Bin Laden, said, “It’s not even a compound. It’s, like, a building. Compounds have control rooms in the basement with giant screens and computers. If this place was a compound, then CVS is a compound and so is Taco Bell.”

To get a better understanding of the legal distinction between a compound and a secret lair, we spoke with Sir Edmund Bollocks, a professor at Oxford University and expert on legal distinctions.

“Technically speaking, a secret lair must be inhabited by someone evil,” says Bollocks. “A compound merely has to have a security fence.”

But how does one decide who is evil?

Bollocks explains, “Osama Bin Laden is a jolly good example, don’t you think?”

A copy of Bin Laden’s bill of sale obtained by The Anvil seems to support Trump’s assertion. The words “secret lair” do not appear anywhere in the contract, though neither does the phrase Narcissistic Personality Disorder, despite the compound’s assets including five 20-foot-tall bronze statues of Trump as well as 18 oil paintings bearing his likeness.

The controversy over the Bin Laden family’s lawsuit is only the latest scandal to hit Trump. Just last week, it was pointed out that he is beginning to resemble your 66-year-old Aunt Gerta from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, who has never had sexual intercourse and makes her own hand-cranked sausage.

When asked how Trump’s business ties to Osama Bin Laden may affect his chances of being elected president in 2012, Sir Edmund Bollocks, who is also an expert on pitiful candidate pools, said, “How do one’s chances dip below the zero-percent threshold at which they already resided?”

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WASHINGTON DC – The rising tide of civil unrest across the Middle East and northern Africa may bode well for democracy, but it isn’t doing much to help jobless figures. Each time a brutal regime is overthrown, say economists, another name goes on the unemployment roll.

“It’s true,” says Mary Smith, an economist.

While she may feel comfortable showing a flippant, heartless attitude when discussing people’s ruined careers and lost dreams, the grim news is hitting close to home for some.

“I hate being a statistic,” says Hosni Mubarak, 82, who recently lost his job as oppressive ruler of Egypt. “I want to work, but who is going to hire me at my age when some kid fresh out of college is willing to crush rebellion and stifle freedom for a quarter of my salary?”

Skeletor, who briefly ruled Eternia before being overthrown by He-Man (also not elected) two years ago, claims to have turned in over 200 applications since then without landing a single job interview.

“I’ve commanded legions of beasts. I’ve turned skies black. I’ve laid siege to magic castles,” he says. “But will anyone hire me? No. I also have a masters degree in business administration, by the way.”

Even those still employed in the industry are feeling the pressure. Muammar Gaddafi, who has ruled Libya for over 40 years, says can feel change in the air.

“Sure, I go on TV and say, ‘dissent will not be tolerated, you infidel dogs,’ or ‘you guys are about to accidentally open up a big can of whoop-ass that cannot be closed,’” he told The Anvil today via telephone from his home in Tripoli. “But, realistically, they’ll probably shoot me one of these days.”

Gaddafi adds with a laugh, “At least I hope they shoot me! What else can I do for a living? Barista at Starbucks? Oppressing people and sponsoring terrorism is all I know.”

Other economists, who are not such icy bitches as Mary Smith, sympathize with the plight of Mubarak and others but also believe the evil dictator industry has not changed with the times.

Ricky Roma of Mitch and Murray, a New York-based economic policy think tank, says, “Kids don’t get into the language of evil dictators these days. Look at the guy in North Korea, what’s his name. The deadbeat. Kim something. He says, ‘I, your dear leader, will wield the mighty sword of the free workers to combat the enemies of justice bla bla bla. Who tawks like that?”

Roma says young people are the consumers who drive the world leader market these days. “They want someone edgy and hip, not some weirdo in a Cossack uniform who listens to Edith Piaf records and collects antique deep-sea-diving helmets.”

When asked who he thinks will be the next ruler of North Korea will be, Roma smiles and says, “Kanye, of course. You ask me twelve, fifteen years ago, I say Prince. But it’s Kanye. Don’t quote me.”

Don’t miss Part Two of our one-part series on evil dictators tomorrow, when we interview Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, Than Shwe of Myanmar, and the editor of The Anvil.

[Perhaps you should start preparing a story on unemployed journalists. You can file it freelance- ed.]

When businesses run out of this, they go "out." Science has yet to discover where.

America’s worst economic recession in almost 80 years may be over, but its aftermath is still being felt by countless businesses struggling to stay above water. These are the eight companies at greatest risk of failing before the end of the year:

U-Fly

When U-Haul, the do-it-yourself truck rental company, decided to apply its successful business model to the air-freight industry last year, economists hailed the move. In a tight economy, they said, average Americans would rather fly their own stuff across the country than pay some cargo company and an overpriced pilot.

But when eighty percent of U-Fly’s fleet was destroyed in crashes on the first day of business last August, the company was forced to ground the remainder of its aircraft. They still sit today, rusting.

“What we found out,” says company CEO Zap Crossin, “is that it’s really hard to fly an airplane when you don’t know what you’re doing.”

Seven/sixteenths Foods

With upscale supermarket chains Whole Foods and Wegmans competing for the attention of heath-conscious shoppers, executives at Seven/sixteenths Food Markets decided to target the blue-collar consumer who still cares about quality, but only sometimes. Sounds like a giant, untapped audience, right?

Wrong. It turns out that there are tons of ordinary supermarkets out there that don’t sell imported cheese and gourmet desserts. Seven/sixteenths is finding the competition rather stiff and continues to search, in vain, for a market share. Their nonsensical TV ad slogan, “Slightly less than half,” isn’t helping.

TypewriterMax

The one-stop-shop for Clark Nova, Martinelli, and Krupp Dominator typewriters was one of America’s most powerful corporations in the 1950s and 60s. Then, in 1967, they made the mistake of firing a young clerk by the name of Bill Gates, who vowed to create a software program that would one day render typewriters useless.

“I didn’t even know what the words ‘software program’ meant,” Gates wrote in his autobiography in 2002, “but once I said them, I knew I had to come up with something.”

TypewriterMax hasn’t sold a single unit since 1981, when movie director John Landis needed one for a movie prop.

Johnson & Johnson

Not to be confused with the massively successful global pharmaceutical firm, this Johnson & Johnson (the “Johnsons” are reversed) sells paper bags full of dog poop. Customers place the bags on their cranky neighbors’ porches, set the bags on fire, knock on the door, then run away. The neighbor comes outside and, in a panic, stomps on the… well, you know.

It’s all in good fun. Until the target of the prank is wearing dynamite shoes, as was Edward Gymteacher of Calumet City, Illinois, on the day he was killed in October, 2008.

“We live in a very litigious society,” notes company president Johnny “John” Johnson.

1M and 2M

1M invented little yellow squares of paper. 2M invented strips of mild stickiness. But unlike Reese’s brilliant union of chocolate and peanut butter, these two companies never thought to join forces, and the rest is history.

1M, on the other hand, refuses to look back, instead devoting its resources to promoting pale yellow as the confetti color of choice.

IndirectTV

Binocular maker IndirectTV, which asks its customers, “Why pay for TV when your neighbor already does,” has struggled for years to invent a lens that can penetrate curtains and blinds. And with the ubiquity of home surround sound nowadays, the product’s total lack of audio is turning off tech-savvy buyers.

“I thought I was getting a deal,” says unhappy shopper Jacques Voyeur, “but my neighbor hardly watches TV at all. She just has naked pillow fights with her lingerie model friends all day.”

The company says it will have to close its doors if it can’t think of a new marketing pitch for the device.

Puppy&KittenChipper.com

This upstart equipment manufacturer has yet to sell a single one of its $3000 pet chipper units and will likely cease operations by late spring.

“We drastically overestimated consumer interest in a product that grinds up fluffy, cute animals and blasts their bloody pulp all over the wall,” laments company owner Jeffrey D.