10/31/07

One time, I said the word "condom" in front of Grandma Margie. The End.

(Well not really, After the event my brain stopped functioning and withered into a little raisin under Grandma Marige's laser-beam glare.)

((Actually, that isn't true either. After the event I realized I'd made an unforgiviable error and simply got up, left the room, left the house, got in my car, and drove away. In the middle of a family party. No one has ever mentioned the event again.))

This week, In honor of a former London roomate who will remain nameless, (except for not, Catilin McNally,) I'm sharing my two most awkward stories ever. This was one of them. Stay tuned.

Hello.Yesterday I decided to brave the elements of my Grandma Margie's wrath and attend the family Sunday get together. I figured I was mostly safe since the hair dye has rinsed out to a vaguely normal reddish/brownish hue. I also memorized my intended line of defense "It will wash out soon, Grandma, It will wash out soon." This line was a risky one though, because my Grandma has a beauty parlor in her basement, and would not be above dragging me down their to "wash it out" herself. Thus, I developed a second line of defense. You see, my boss, Jean, loves my hair. The same boss who I thought would refuse to schedule me until I looked normal has turned into my numero uno advocate. My boss and my Grandma are also friends, and my Grandma, out of courtesy, tends to agree with whatever Jean says. Because Jean provides her with limitless supplies of Chinese food. I come from a family of addicts and enablers. I would go into withdrawals without my rainbow selection of hair dye, and my Grandma would die without her shrimp tempura. So last night, just as my Grandma was settling in for a long round of hair criticism, I casually mentioned that Jean thought it looked pretty.And behold, the Red Sea parted, and I was delivered. Suddenly, like manna from heaven the compliments came pouring in. My hair makes my skin look more "porcelin" (um, creepy much?) It does wonders for my coloring. It's the hair color I knew in the pre-existence. I'm sure the fact that I told her that Jean was waiting for her to come in and try the Lunch Special had nothing to do with it. My Grandpa is not so easily deterred. He kept mentioning that he liked my natural hair color. I eventually had to break him the hard news- I don't remember my natural hair color. My husband of seven and a half months has never even seen my natural hair color. It just isn't going to happen, er, um, I mean, it will wash out soon, Grandma, it will wash out soon.

Ensign, October, 2007Share10:24pm Wednesday, Oct 24 Edit NoteDeleteSheesh. I just like Dumbledore ok, you'd have thought I told people that funeral potatoes were against the Word of Wisdom. Lots of people got all off topicy and snappish.Man I want this to be over. I want people to stop telling me that "Gay members cannot be good members of the church, they can be good people, but not good members of the church. They won't be excommunicated, but they cannot go on missions, serve in higher church callings or attend the temple."Now I'm willing to let a lot slide, but when people write me with such incorrect and ignorant assumptions about the church, I feel inclined to be helpful. Gosh, I wish the church would give talks, make statements, publish articles in the Engisn, and maintain a church website so my questions about members who have same-sex-attractions. OH SNAP. THEY DO!!!!!!!!!!Brought to you in this months Ensign, a talk by our friend Elder Jeffery R. Holland, Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I will quote directly, but if you want to double check, well read the Ensign or visit lds.org. context- A gay young man visits Elder Holland telling him he is no longer worthy to remain a member of the church because he is gay. Elder Holland asks if he has acted on his feelings. The young man says no, and Elder Holland responds,"As long as your life is in harmony with the commandments, then you are worthy to SERVE in the church, ENJOY FULL FELLOWSHIP with the members ATTEND THE TEMPLE, and recieve all the blessings of the Savior's Atonement."Ok, so I may have gotten a little caps-happy, but the wording is all word-for-word.So. I think that settles that little mind-teaser. I think somebody who felt inclined to comment on my notes repeatedly needs to sign up for the Ensign. Oh, and it's this months, so it seems like even after Pres. Hinckley "raised the bar," gay people who obey the commandments can still go on missions.I feel inclined to say "OH SNAP" right now. I don't know why. Wierd. I don't want to go into all sorts of nonsense about when a person with same-sex-attractions "crosses the line" and makes a bad choice. That's between that person, their church leaders, and the Lord. I just wanted to clarify that what I said in my initial posting is still true. You can be homosexual and a good member of the church.I'd like to end with Elder Holland's message to the young man he interviewed, he quoted President Boyd K. Packer,"We do not reject you, We cannot reject you, for you are the sons and daughters of God. We will not reject you, because we love you."Isn't our church great? Isn't the Ensign Great? Isn't wonderful how the church encourages it's members to be well educated by producing all sorts of wonderful reading material. I think so. Now if this makes you angry, please write Elder Holland and Packer. I'm sure they would love to hear from you. As for me, I am officially done discussing this matter. I want to go back to the important stuff. Like my hair color, and the chickens invading my yard.

The creatures have upped the attack methods. They've commenced pooping on my porch. And my gnome. Nobody goes poop on my porch gnome without serious ramifications. The war on Terror has reached new levels. Now I have to vote for a Republican because if I vote for a Democrat, the War on Terror will be over, and who will I go to for funding? I need resources. The chickens aren't going anywhere on their own. You're either for me or against me.

professorShare7:22pm Saturday, Oct 20 Edit NoteDeleteLast summer I took Analysis of Argument (Comm 1020) as my final GE class. I took Analysis to get out of Math because it is and always will be my goal never to do math again. I’m on year three of no math and I was not going to let a little QB GE requirement ruin my winning streak. I actually enjoyed the class, thanks to an amazing professor named Aubrey. Aubrey had the remarkable ability to teach in such a manner that every student felt comfortable enough in her class to spill their guts on a myriad of subjects. We discussed everything from healthcare to Iraq, to whether or not the new Diet Coke with vitamins was a good thing. One day Aubrey fainted in class, which led her to explain that she had cancer, and the effects of chemotherapy often made her dizzy. At the time, she was more concerned about her students feeling uncomfortable than about her own health.Aubrey was a liberal, which was one reason I liked her, but she was also LDS, and apart from all the technical things I learned, I also learned that it is possible to be a passionate, caring, Christian as well as a politically active Liberal. She had two small children and an adorably nerdy-sounding husband. Aubrey was everything I wanted to be. I learned to respect Aubrey the day I watched her listen to “that student,” (you know, that annoying one who makes ignorant comments and spews Limbaugh-esque rhetoric) for a half hour without once loosing her cool. She never made the student feel stupid, but she continued to respectfully and powerfully assert her point of view. She did that with every difficult student, even the ones who after every lecture asked “Is this important? Is this going to be on the test?” In my entire life, I do not think I ever met someone so charitable to people clearly less intelligent than herself. (Note: I am not nearly so charitable.) In the middle of class, Aubrey held a class discussion on how everything in life is uncertain, and that effective arguing allows us feel certain about things that we have no business being certain about. She told us how because her doctors told her that her cancer was treatable, she somehow felt like she “knew” she was going to live and watch her kids grow up. She also convinced herself that she would be able to grow old with her husband.Aubrey passed away a few weeks ago. I am incredibly sad for her kids and her husband who clearly lost wonderful mother and wife. I myself feel like I am in some form of grieving Limbo. Aubrey was my professor, who I enjoyed, but never got particularly close to. But she is closer than the various great aunts and uncles whose funerals I attended as a child. Mostly, I feel as if I lost an opportunity to experience a wonderful and fleeting phenomenon. Because despite my lack of in-depth knowledge, I do know that Aubrey was a remarkable person, if only for being able to tolerate someone who actually agrees with Rush Limbaugh. PS. The following is a brief excerpt from a letter to the editor that Aubrey wrote last summer. It concerns the LDS stance on Homosexuality as well as a discussion on how to incorporate both reason and religion concerning how we treat members of the Gay and Lesbian community. Religion and reason are not at odds, and we are well served to consider each in deciding how to treat others. While the LDS religion does teach principles about relationships and families which are important to our faith, an even greater tenet of our gospel is to love one another, exercise charity, and not judge others, especially when we don't understand the particular challenges they face in day-to-day life. Applying reason to religion might recommend that we focus our interactions on these commandments that were prioritized by Jesus Christ as second only to loving God. If we are concerned with the normalization of behaviors that are harmful to society, we should begin with the tendency to say and do hurtful things and use religion, reason, or any other world-view as justification. Faith tells us to love one another. Reason tells us that human beings should be treated with dignity and compassion. Experience teaches us that when we do those things, we are rewarded with multiple opportunities to learn from one another, be a part of fulfilling relationships, and make the world a better place. Let reason and religion stand together. Let's be nice.

You know I’m talking about Dumbeldore, right?Let us take a moment to take a deep breath before we get all riled up and take another moment to unbunch our underwear.1. Yes, I think that J.K. Rowlings is incredibly stupid to make such a blatant play at extra publicity and extra attention. I do not know why such an seemingly reasonable and intelligent person would do such a thing. Except for maybe she is human and capable of error. Let’s take a walk down memory lane and remember the last time we said or did something stupid and out of the norm for our usual intelligent and reasonable selves. Got that memory? Do you think it makes you an overall despicable human being? No? Then lay off J.K. Rowlings. Everyone does something stupid once in a while. It is not like she re-wrote Harry Potter into gay pornography. 2. Since the great wizard-outing I’ve had the unfortunate experience to talk to many members of the LDS community who are outraged that their Hero is Gay. Dumbledore is now the villain. Mormons for Voldermort! He may have killed a bunch of people, but at least he liked Lily! I find this all very disturbing. We do not belong to a church that excommunicates it’s gay members. Yes, we find homosexual sexual activity to be amoral, but we hold heterosexual people to a similar standard. Both a homosexual and a heterosexual person can be excommunicated for not remaining chaste and breaking covenants made in the temple. What this means is that one can be a faithful member of the church in good standing and a homosexual. Don’t believe me? Go to any Deseret Book and view the myriad of books published by the First Presidency concerning homosexuality and staying in the church. Not one of them states that homosexuals are inherently evil, despicable, or disgusting. All of them will offer words of hope and encouragement. You can be a homosexual and a good Mormon. You can be homosexual and a good person. You can be homosexual and a good role model. The complaint I have heard most is that people no longer feel comfortable reading Harry Potter, or no longer feel comfortable with their children reading Harry Potter. This is a shame. If we begin to teach our children that Gay people should be avoided and shunned in literature as well as in real life, we are failing to teach our children the commandment that comes second only to loving the Lord. We have been instructed to love one another. I have yet to read the addendum to that commandment that states “Love one another. Unless they are Gay. Unless they make choices we do not agree with.” We are to love one another.Last night I had the opportunity to hear a fireside by Elder Uchtdorf (sorry if his name is misspelled) In his talk, Uchtdorf quoted Dumbledore. Since the fact that Dumbledore is apparently Gay made CNN news last week, I’m fairly certain that Uchtdorf was aware of recent events. However, even if he was not, I feel that he would have still found Dumbledore to be a suitable quote. Why not? Dumbledore consistently taught values of loyalty, integrity, and the necessity of fighting against evil. If we are following the commandment to judge someone by their fruits, as well as to love one another, I think we would be more correct in admiring Dumbledore for his integrity, instead of being disgusted by his sexuality. Uchtdorf quoted Dumbledore telling Harry that, “It is our choices that show who we are far more than our abilities.” We have a choice. We have a choice to be loving and accepting, or bigoted and afraid. I am not making a statement here for or against Gay Rights/Marriage. I am making a statement that charity allows us to love people for the good they do, and to think seriously about a person’s soul before dismissing them based on their sexuality. Come on. Dumbledore saved Harry’s life, fought on the side of good, and said wonderfully witty and endearing things. I think that counts more than if he happened to be gay or not.So. Return your underwear to the pre-bunched position. Send me angry messages. Burn those awful Harry Potter books. Goodnight.

Hello.Well I have not quite been disowned. But my family has made it quite clear that they dislike my hair. My favorite reactions so far come from my Dad's side of the family. Grandpa Gerry- "Do you want truth or diplomacy?"The next day when I saw him again, he didn't recognize me for a full minute, then he gave me a very awkward hug, and said "You look strange." I have yet to see the Grandma Margie (Mom's side of the family) and I dodged the Sunday night family get-togehter by actually getting sick. I have never been more grateful for a sinus infection.Thanks to all the people who messaged me with suggestions. More thanks to the makers of the craptastic Suave 2 in 1 hair shampoo and conditioner. Thanks to this product my hair is now dark brown. It also managed to remove whatever pigment was causing my hair to glow an evil red color in some lights. In other news, I got an official check from the United States Treasury today. I recieved 53.64 cents. I do not know why the goverment is sending me money, so I am interpreting it as a bribe from the President. Sorry Geroge W., but its going to take more that 53.64 for me to stop hating your guts.

Hello.I am in hiding. Hair hiding. Because I am a cheap-hair-dye-from-the-grocery-store addict. I come complete with an enabler (husband) who aids me in my fixes.Two nights ago the enabler and I decided to go a little darker. One half hour later I have hair that can best be described as "burgundy." But lets be honest. My hair is dark purple.This wouldn't be a problem except for three things:1. The hair dye won't wash out. It will not. In the past, all it takes is about three washes with the cheap Smith's brand shampoo and we're back to normal. But it won't wash out. And I have to wait at least 2-3 weeks to dye it back to prevent complete hair fry-age. 1. My job right now is to look pretty. I'm serious. I stand behind my podium at the restaurant, I greet the customers, and I smile winningly when I tell them it will be at least twenty minutes before they get a table. And about thirty-five minutes for their sushi to arrive at said table. These same people then trust me with their credit cards. Would you trust someone with purple hair with your credit card and personal information? I didn't think so.But this is all child's play compared to the real problem- the mormom mafia/clone army that is my family. In this organization it is illegal to dye your hair. Highlights to increase the blondeness and set off the blue eyes? Fine. But going darker? Blasphemy. I mean, what would the prophet think? More importantly what would Grandma Margie think? Last month my cousin dyed her hair a few shades darker. Grandma not only wrote her out of the will, but she verbally crucified her in front of the entire family. Repeatedly. For weeks. She recently went back to being the flaxen haired clone we all know and love. (ps. HI JESS!) The enabler and I are currently thinking up excuses for missing the weekly family get together on Sunday. And next Sunday. And however many Sundays it takes to get rid of the eggplant hued mess. Seeing as my aunts still show up to this particular family function mere hours after giving birth, I'm probably going to have to die first. Or dye. Again.PS. For all of you still showing interest in the chickens that live outside my house, I'd like to inform you that a duck has now joined the ranks. So I'm in hiding. With my chickens and a duck. Think that will be enough to ward off my grandmother?