Special Thanks to my friends, the Quo Platypus Martini Club ("J.H. is Iron Bartender Martini51, M.F. is Iron Bartender Brewmeister, and K.M. is Keptin Plastic"), especially J.H., for their assistance with the cooking details of this story. (If you can't cook it in a microwave, I don't bother!) Thanks to Siubhan for the Sith Academy playground, and to Siubhan and Melissa for some of the Iron Chef ideas.

George Lucas owns the Star Wars universe and everything in it (All Hail Lucasfilm!), and FujiTV & The Food Network own the Iron Chef. Wesa makin no money off of this!

Darth Sidious leaned back in his chair and tried not to belch. "Maul, that meal was wonderful."

Maul permitted himself a smile. His plan to slowly drive his master to a coronary was going well. His arteries should be 50% blocked by now.

"You know, this gives me an idea."

Maul winced. That was never a good thing. "Yes, my master?"

"Seeing as this is an election year, I think I have a way for you to get me some free publicity. The 'Iron Chef' competition is coming to Coruscant. I will enter you as a challenger!"

Maul stared. "Master? Isn't that the show where guys compete with cooking?"

"No, no, it is not yet time for us to reveal ourselves. No, I have decided. You will compete in Kitchen Stadium!"

Maul sighed. "Yes, my master."

"You know, Chairman Kaga is an old friend of mine," Sidious continued. "I'll have to choose something special to wear if I'm going to see him again. Let's go shopping!"

"You want me to come with you?"

"Of course!" Sidious smirked. "I want you to model the outfits for me, so I can see what they look like. I intend to make a fabulous impression!"

~~~~~~~~~

Fukui: "Five Standard years ago, one man's fantasy became reality in a form never seen before: Kitchen Stadium, a giant cooking arena. The motivation for spending his fortune to create Kitchen Stadium was to encounter new, original cuisines, which could be called true artistic creations. To realize his dream, he secretly started choosing the top chefs of various styles of cooking and he named his men the Iron Chefs, the invincible men of culinary skills."

Fukui: "Kitchen Stadium is the arena where Iron Chefs await the challenges of master chefs from around the galaxy. Both the Iron Chef and challenger have one hour to tackle the theme ingredient of the day. Using all their senses, skills, creativity they're to prepare artistic dishes never tasted before. And if ever a challenger wins over the Iron Chef, he, she, or it will gain the galaxy's ovation and fame forever. In every battle, reputations are on the line in Kitchen Stadium where master chefs pit their artistic creations against each other. What inspiration does today's challenger bring? And how will the Iron Chef fight back. The heat will be on."

Kaga: "If memory serves me right, the esteemed Senator Palpatine has often been seen at some of the best restaurants on Coruscant. Today, he sends his ward, Maul, to challenge the Iron Chefs. Senator Palpatine has often been heard to boast of his ward's cooking excellence. Now he gets a chance to prove it!"

[Kaga bites pepper. Stock footage of Kitchen Stadium.]

Kaga: "If I'm not mistaken, Senator Palpatine has always been supportive of young artists. He is known as a patron of many arts, including the culinary arts. He helped to start a school for young, male artists on his home planet of Naboo."

[Photo of Palpatine having his portrait painted by a young man with an artist's palette.]

Kaga: "He is on the Board of Directors for the Coruscant Multi-Species Symphony and the Republic Theater for the Performing Arts."

[Photo of Palpatine conducting a symphony with all male musicians. Second photo of Palpatine surrounded by young, male actors in ballet tights.]

Kaga: "Today he brings a challenger who, despite his lack of formal training, has vowed to battle the Iron Chef and win. Now, Maul, show us what show us what an aggressive amateur can do!"

[Camera pans to show Palpatine and Maul entering. Maul is wearing a black chef's tunic with "Kiss the Cook's Ass" embroidered in red on the left shoulder, blue jeans and black boots. Palpatine is wearing a green and yellow embroidered tunic, a white ruffled collar, shiny blue pants, and orange suede shoes with Cuban heels.]

Fukui: "The Senator has convinced Chairman Kaga that despite his lack of formal training, Maul will be able to battle the Iron Chef and win. Maul will be challenging the Iron Chefs today, here in Kitchen Stadium."

Kaga: "Welcome Senator and Maul."

Palpatine: "Thank you."

Kaga: "We're glad to have you here today."

Maul: "Thanks." [Baring teeth]

Kaga: "Maul, you've had no formal training. How do you plan to win?"

Maul: "I plan to annihilate the ingredients, terrorize the staff and totally destroy the Iron Chef."

Kaga: [Staring at Palpatine and obviously not paying attention...] "Very good. We look forward to it. Now, which Iron Chef will you choose?"

Maul: "Iron Chef Alderaan."

Kaga: "Very good. I summon the Iron Chef!"

Fukui: "Ascending into Kitchen Stadium, Iron Chef Alderaan Bail Smits. Born into one of Alderaan's finest families, this young man had his choice of professions: science, politics, hairdressing, acting. However, he chose to pursue the culinary arts. Following his intensive training at the Culinary Institute on Coruscant, he opened a small bistro near the Government Center, specializing in regional cuisine. After much success, he returned to his home planet of Alderaan where he is proprietor and head chef of Chez Lucaasta.

Kaga: "If memory serves me right, there is a special delicacy from the Senator's home planet of Naboo. We unveil the ingredient! "

[Kaga pulls back the cover and a platform rises. Limp amphibian forms can be seen.]

Fukui: "Okay, Challenger Maul will take on the Iron Chef with Brainless Gungan as their weapon. We will see what Maul's untrained skills can do against the centuries of tradition of Iron Chef Bail Smits. We will see whose skills will come out on top."

Kaga: "Allez Cuisine!"

Fukui: "There's the opening gong! The battle is underway! Both chefs are headed for the ingredient platform. Wow! Did you see that? The challenger shoved the Iron Chef out of his way!"

Hattori: "Hmm, that's not something we usually see. Not very sporting."

[Time Limit: One Hour. The Chef who offers dishes that best articulate the theme ingredient is the winner. In case of a tie, there will be a 30-minute overtime battle.]

Fukui: "Brainless Gungan! This is a very unusual and rare ingredient."

Hattori: "Yes, only one in four thousand Gungan are born without a brain, and it's very hard to determine which ones are brainless. A single brainless Gungan will cost up to twenty thousand dataries!"

Fukui: "Well, it looks like one of the Gungan wasn't quite brainless after all!"

Hattori: "Yes, as we said, it's very difficult to determine which ones are brainless."

Fukui: "Okay, both chefs have taken a couple of the Brainless Gungan and headed back to their stations."

[Shot of Maul whacking off the head of a Gungan with his lightsaber.]

Fukui: "The challenger really seems to enjoy his work!"

Hattori: "Yes he does."

[Shot of Maul continuing to cut off Gungan body parts. Camera view is suddenly obscured as blood splashes across the lens. Shot switches to another camera. Assistants can be seen scrambling to escape the carnage]

Ohta: "Fukui-san!"

Fukui: "Yes, from the floor, Ohta!"

Ohta: "Yes, I spoke with the challenger about his plan of attack. He said his plan is to dominate the flavors of the ingredients and force them to do his will."

Hattori: "Glad to be here as usual. Apparently this is free-range Brainless Gungan. You can get farm-raised Brainless Gungan, but it doesn't have the same intensity of flavor as the free-range Gungan."

Ohta: "Fukui-san!"

Fukui: "Take it!"

Ohta: "I asked the challenger what he thought of the ingredient and he threatened me!"

Fukui: "Threatened you?"

Ohta: "Yes! He said he'd put my head in the pressure cooker if I didn't get out of his way!"

Hattori: "Since these are whole brainless Gungan they require a certain amount of prep before their parts can be used. The challenger is using a lightsaber, and I must say I've never seen more precise knife work in my life!"

Fukui: "I agree, it's a first for Kitchen Stadium! He seems to really get into his work."

Ohta: "Fukui-san!"

Fukui: "Go!"

Ohta: "It appears the challenger has several dishes started. He's filleted the Gungan tongue and stuffed it with some kind of pâte. He's now brazing it with a mixture of shallots, sweet peppers, and uh, olives."

Fukui: "Sounds like a tasty start!"

Ohta: "Fukui-San!"

Fukui: "Yes, Ohta!"

Ohta: "The challenger tells me he is using a Bantha pâte combined with white wine."

Hattori: "That really sounds marvelous!"

BDJ: [Giggling] "Oh yes!"

Ohta: "It looks like the challenger has also started some type of soup, using the Gungan snout, and is also preparing a Gungan tenderloin."

Fukui: "In the Royal Box today we have several distinguished guests. In addition to Senator Palpatine, we have Dartha Stewart, well-known homemaking expert. Next, Mary Sue Stewart, CEO of MacroStiff and Dartha's daughter. Finally we have representatives from the Jedi Temple: Jedi Council Member Mace Windu, Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and Master Jinn's Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi."

[Shot of the Royal Box. Dartha waves at the camera, Mary Sue rolls her eyes and looks bored. Qui-Gon is whispering something in Palpatine's ear while Mace glares. Obi-Wan has My Apprentice on his lap and a small sign that says "Go Maul!"]

Ohta: "Fukui-san!"

Fukui: "Go!"

Ohta: "I asked the Senator how he thought his ward was doing, and he said he has confidence that Maul will do his best, if he knows what's good for him."

Fukui: "I believe Senator Palpatine is up for election this year."

Hattori: "Yes, I think so."

[Panel all turn to camera with glazed look.]

Panel in unison: "A vote for Palpatine is a vote for order!"

Ohta: "Fukui-san!"

Fukui: "Yes! Go!"

Ohta: "I tried to question the challenger about the preparation of the Dewback broth for the soup base, however he said it was a secret recipe and threatened to scoop out my heart with a ladle if I got any closer!"

Fukui: "It sounds like Maul is feeling a little pressure!"

Ohta: "Bantha milk is usually used to thicken this dish. It's a Tatooine dish in the traditional style."

Hattori: "The inclusion of the flash fried Gungan snout as a garnish for the Gungan snout soup is a bold stroke for the challenger! The final texture should be quite interesting."

Snootles (wiggling nose): "Gungan soup with Gungan garnish? Well, I guess you can never get enough Gungan!"

Fukui: "I've never seen a challenger work so quickly before, it's almost as if the utensils are moving themselves!"

Hattori: "That's fortunate, since I understand that some of the assistants in Kitchen Stadium were uncomfortable with the challenger's um, er... methods."

BDJ: "What is the challenger doing?"

Hattori: "It looks like he's searing a tenderloin of Gungan with the lightsaber!"

Snootles: "Ah, you're right! That's an unusual technique."

BDJ: "He's so pretty! Er, I mean his food is so pretty!"

Ohta: "Fukui-san?"

Fukui: "Take it big fellah!"

Ohta: "I've made my way over to the Iron Chef's side of Kitchen Stadium. The Iron Chef is using a wide variety of fish in addition to Gungan."

Hattori: "Ah! That would certainly compliment Gungan."

Ohta: "It looks like the Iron Chef already has already prepared a Gungan stew with fish...."

Fukui: "Perhaps a cioppino?"

Ohta: "Yes, yes, that's correct! He's also just placed a salt-encrusted piece in the convection oven. I also see some tempura, and right now the Iron Chef is working on what appears to be... sushi!"

Fukui: "Quite a wide variety of dishes, just like in his restaurant. The Iron Chef Smits is certainly taking the challenger seriously, he's pulling out all the stops!"

[Maul glances over at the Iron Chef, then does a tiny hand wave]

Fukui: "It looks like there some kind of commotion on the Iron Chef's side."

Ohta: "Fukui-san?"

Fukui: "Yes, Ohta?"

Ohta: "Yes it looks like the Iron Chef has cut himself. They're bandaging it now."

Hattori: "That's unusual for the Iron Chef."

Ohta: "Yes. I've just been told that the Iron Chef has cut off his little finger!"

Fukui: "Will he be able to continue?"

Ohta: "Yes. It appears they've packed the wound with bacta and they've put the finger on ice."

Fukui: "Okay, the Iron Chef battling through injury."

Hattori: "Can we get a shot of the challenger's side? It looks like he's opening a tin can!"

BDJ: "Is that tuna? Why would he use that?"

Hattori: "Tuna doesn't really go well with Gungan."

Fukui: "I agree, Doc. Maybe we get an instant replay of what he was doing?"

[Replay shows Maul cooking with the Royal Box in the background. My Apprentice sits up and raises a paw. Maul reaches into a cabinet and pulls out a can.]

Snootles: [Puzzled] "Well, based on the replay, I can't really tell what he's doing. I suppose we'll just have to wait for the surprise."

[Maul turns the can upside down on a plate and dumps out the tuna]

Hattori: "I have to admit, I'm stumped by this."

BDJ: [Hesitantly] "That's not very pretty."

[Maul sets the plate aside and My Apprentice jumps down from the Royal Box and starts eating]

BDJ: "Oh, a kitty cat! How cute!"

Snootles: "I guess it isn't going to be part of his dishes! [Worriedly] Or is it?"

Hattori: "I guess not. What a lovely cat!"

Fukui: "Okay, it looks like the Iron Chef's ice cream maker has broken. He's sending an assistant over to the challenger's side to use his."

Snootles: "Whoa!"

BDJ: "Aieee!"

Fukui: "Wow! The challenger slammed a carving knife into the assistant's hand just as he was reaching for the machine! Well, I guess the Iron Chef is going to have to skip the ice cream this time! Quite the challenge for him."

[Shot of Maul, up to his elbows in blood and Gungan guts.]

BDJ: "Oh, I can't watch!"

Fukui: "Yes, er, he seems to be disemboweling the Brainless Gungan."

Hattori: "That doesn't really seem necessary. Is he going to use the entrails?"

Ohta: "Fukui-san!"

Fukui: "Ohta, go!"

Ohta: "The challenger is now working on Gungan sausage. He's preparing the stuffing using minced Gungan, Paprika, fennel, Yavin allspice, and a special spice from the planet Arrakis."

Fukui: "It looks like he's using the entrails as casings!"

Hattori: "That's very unusual. I wonder how he's going to clean them in this short time frame?"

Fukui: "I never realized they were edible!"

Snootles: "Is he using the lightsaber again?"

Fukui: "Yes, I think you're right. He's drilling the entrails with his saber, then stuffing them."

[Cut to Royal Box: Qui and Mace watch the carnage, their faces aghast]

Hattori: "Ah, that's how he'll get them done in time."

Ohta: "Fukui-san!"

Fukui: "Go!"

Ohta: "I talked with the Jedi Masters in the Royal Box, and Master Jinn was quite upset about the way the challenger is using a lightsaber!"

Fukui: "Really?"

Ohta: "Yes, he said that the Jedi consider the lightsaber to be sacred, and a true Jedi would never use a lightsaber simply to cut things or drill a hole in something."

Hattori: "Interesting."

Ohta: "Fukui-san!"

Fukui: "Go!"

Ohta: "I asked the Iron Chef what he thought of the Challenger's cooking style, and Smits said that he's very impressed. He said he's never seen anyone cook like this before!"

Fukui: "Okay, this is turning out to be quite a battle here in Kitchen Stadium."

BDJ: "Is that chocolate the challenger is using?"

Hattori: "Yes, he must be getting ready to make a dessert of some kind?"

Ohta: "Fukui-san!"

Fukui: "Take it!"

Ohta: "Yes, the challenger is using chocolate with the Gungan ears he sautéed earlier."

Ohta: "I'm back on the Iron Chef's side and he's currently putting mangoes in a blender."

Fukui: "Mangoes?"

Hattori: "Ah, I wonder if he's making some kind of salsa to go with the tempura?"

Fukui: "It looks like you're right again Doc!"

BDJ: "Oh yummy!"

Snootles: "Whoops!"

Fukui: "It looks like the top just blew off the Iron Chef's blender! There's mango everywhere. I hope he can scrape together enough for his dish, there isn't much time left."

[Replay: As top blows off blender, Maul can be seen in the background using a Force push]

Hattori: "Yes, it looks like he has just enough to garnish the Tempura."

Fukui: "And the last 60 seconds tick away! Battle Gungan is ovah!"

[Ohta with Iron Chef. Behind the Iron Chef, the challenger's assistants are bruised and bleeding. Several bodies are being dragged offstage.]

Ohta: "How do you think you did?"

IC Smits: "Well, it was a difficult ingredient to work with. I think I did okay."

Ohta: "Will you win?"

IC Smits: "I did my best."

[Ohta with Challenger]

Ohta: "Your thoughts."

[Maul crosses arms over his chest. Glares.]

Ohta: "Uh, do you think you'll win?"

Maul: "Of course."

Ohta: "Oh-kay..."

Presentation of dishes

Fukui: "Challenger Maul is offering five dishes. First, Gungan tongue stuffed with Bantha white wine pâte. This dish showcases a contrast in textures, skillfully combining the firm texture of the tongue, with the creamy pâte. Second, Dewback tripe soup with simmered Gungan snout. This rustic dish is brought to the levels of haute cuisine simply by the use of the uniquely flavorful Brainless Gungan. Third, tenderloin of Gungan, encrusted with walnuts, served with tree ears and morel mushrooms from the forests of Endor. The heartiness of the tenderloin is well balanced by the delicate flavors of Endor. As beautiful in appearance as in taste. Fourth, Gungan sausage. Requiring extremely involved preparation, a very rare and unusual treatment showing the true versatility of the Brainless Gungan. Finally chocolate crème brulee with sautéed Gungan ears. A bold experiment, demonstrating the aggressive approach of the challenger."

Fukui: "Iron Chef Alderaan is also offering five dishes. First, Sushi Three Styles: One, Sushi with Gungan liver, sirachi sauce and two layers of roe. This dish shows off the beautiful colors of orange and purple roe. Two, Naboo roll with Tee fish, cucumber and purple Gungan roe on the outside. And three, Mee fish roll. The yellow Mee fish is beautifully complimented by the purple Gungan roe in a royal presentation. Second, Cioppino with Gungan, guptafish, juba and nunas brains. The rich, savory broth and seafood complement the unique flavor of the Gungan meat. The nunas brains provide a special treat to the palate. Third, Tempura Gungan with mango salsa chutney. Light, crunchy Gungan, with a lovely, fruity garnish. A juxtaposition of flavors and textures. Fourth, Mon Calamari ink pasta with braised Dewback tail, garnished with flash fried crunchy Gungan ears. Pasta rises to new heights with this combination of reptile and amphibian. Finally salt grill of Gungan heart served with kohlrabi au gratin. The pungency of the Gungan heart melds smoothly with the creamy au gratin, resulting in a spirited finish."

Snootles: [slurping noodles] "You're right, it is rich, I don't think I could eat too much of it, but the depth of flavor is interesting."

Kishi: "The pasta is done nicely, and the dewback is flavorful, but these dishes are supposed to be a showcase for Gungan! And here you've used it only as a garnish. I think it's been completely overshadowed by the other ingredients in this dish! I think you could have done better."

"Well my young apprentice, that was not exactly the kind of publicity that I had in mind."

Maul just growled and continued waxing his master's speeder.

"On the other hand, it was the highest ratings ever. And you were very popular on the 'net."

"It was rigged!"

"Oh of course it was. I enjoyed watching that buffoon Kaga hide under his 'Royal Box'. He deserves it for stealing my best tailor."

"You should have let me shove that pepper in his..."

"Sith Don't Whine, my apprentice. I believe it's in the Handbook."

"No, Sith Get Revenge! Next time I want to take on that Corellian guy."

"Next time?"

"Yeah, a re-match," Maul snarled. "And this time, I'm going to get that damn 'Culinary Critic'."

Sidious leaned back in his lounge chair and sipped his drink. "Did I tell you Kaga asked me if you would be interested in taking a position as an Iron Chef? I had to turn him down of course. That would take up too much of your training time."

"Yes my master," Maul sighed.

"On the other hand, maybe we should get you your own cooking show? I'm sure my dear Dartha would be happy to sponsor you."

"No! No, that's okay."

"Now that I think about it, Dartha was quite impressed. Yes, I believe that would hone your rage nicely!"