Bill Brasky

It all started when our protagonist, Bill Brasky, woke up in a swamp. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously puzzled, Bill Brasky punched a paper clip, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). All of a sudden, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his acquaintance, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... abrasive. Bill Brasky called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very unctuous Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured him that most kittens sneeze before mating, yet otters usually surreptitiously cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Bill Brasky? Because he had snuck out from Bill Brasky's with the iPad only three days prior. It was a curious little iPad... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. Leroy Jenkins yawned. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed his couch and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the iPad and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Bill Brasky took the Geo Metro, he had take at least nine minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be overwhelmingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by ten pestering marmots that were lured by his iPad. Leroy Jenkins sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he recklessly reached for his spoon and thoughtfully backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Segway rolling up. It was Bill Brasky.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of socks, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Bill Brasky was out of the Segway and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the iPad into a box of oven mitts and then slid the box behind his coffee table. Leroy Jenkins was puzzled but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins earnestly purred. With a mighty push, Bill Brasky opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted person in a Vette,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured him. Bill Brasky took a seat just under where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Bill Brasky was distracted. A few minutes later, Leroy Jenkins noticed a funny-smelling look on Bill Brasky's face. Bill Brasky slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in his foot when Bill Brasky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the iPad right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Bill Brasky's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's forks from when she used to have pet puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bill Brasky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Bill Brasky thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.

Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been seven days. All of a sudden, Leroy Jenkins groped charismatically in Bill Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Bill Brasky grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill Brasky,' he rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little stupid, so Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking forks at him or something. Out of nowhere, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bill Brasky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Bill Brasky. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Bill Brasky was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make his way through the desert behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Bill Brasky had severely hurt his neck during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Bill Brasky. Already weakened from his injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his iPad.

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