I wish Scooby-Doo did more than just show up as cheerleader for a 30-second Sin Cara match. Would’ve been fun to have a “mystery” unfold on Raw as a subplot to the evening, and we have Scooby & Cara solving it.

If there was a Scooby-Doo comedy chase interlude, I would have 100% loved the mascot. If they’re going to treat a mascot version of a cartoon character as a real character, I demand they go whole hog.

Also disappointing: someone informed me before the show that yesterday was Jack Swagger’s birthday and I am perhaps unreasonably upset that there wasn’t a sketch where the Real Americans wore comically tiny party hats and Zeb presented Jack with a Gadsden Flag cake while Cesaro was kind of a dick about it.

I’m pretty sure there will be another opportunity in the future. The inevitable Scooby-Doo/WWE sequel will be about the gang tracking down the ghosts that escaped from the Undertaker’s urn. And this time they’ll be joined by Hunico as their scamster sidekick and Jerry Lawler doing Lawler Punches following his shouts of “Puppy Power!”

I like that the WWE’s mindset was “Oh yeah, we gotta remind everybody that Tan Dad and Puffington McSkinnyPants are in the main event too” and then after they remember, “oh yeah, let’s maybe not remind the crowd about that”.

49 minutes of bell-to-bell wrestling on last night’s show. Three matches (Fatal 4 way, Cena/Harper, Real Americans/Shield) accounted for 40 of that. All three matches featured some spectacular spots, so I can’t completely disregard this episode, but goddamn did it longer than usual. One has to wonder if they kept Bryan off the show to sell last week’s injuries and/or combat the mostly adult Brooklyn crowd that would have popped far too hard for the man they are trying to sell as the very under underdog. Pretty happy I didn’t make the drive for this show live. Bryan was advertised online and locally for both the show and dark match. I would’ve been pissed.

1. Come on, Randy totally deserves a supplementary Best for laughing SO HARD at Batista getting his face slapped. I actually enjoyed the show open until Batista showed up. Orton wants HHH out of the main event so he pretends it’s for his own good. Their interaction with the crowd is great and when Steph corrects him with “WHEN he beats Daniel Bryan” and Randy is like OK sure and Steph says “thank you” and Randy says “you’re welcome” I lol’d pretty hard. Then Batista came out and the segment no longer had a point but still Randy ROFLing at Batista getting slapped was great. I wish he had just RKO’d him out of nowhere again after that but I guess they have to give some indication that there’s a snowball’s chance in hell of Batista winning.

2. The fact that the Fatal 4-Way was the third best match on this show blows my fucking mind. That match was so good and the wrestling on this show only got better. The wrestling on Raw so far in 2014 has to be some of the best there’s been in a long time. This match was so good that I actually thought Ziggler might win at one point. Which is saying something.

3. That Harper/Cena match, though. I was so stoked to see Harper pull out the suicide dive on free TV for the world to see and holy SHIT that superkick! Harper is going to be an absolute monster when they finally let the Wyatts go their separate ways and I can’t fucking WAIT!

4. I totally got goosebumps hearing an arena full of people chant “THIS IS AWESOME” for the top heel faction “sacrificing” (or whatever) the top babyface. This is by far the best image of 2014 (leaving “Shield/Wyatts Faceoff” in the DUST) and probably one of the best in YEARS. That’s one thing I love about a lot of the up-and-coming talent is that they know how to create visual imagery in the ring (and outside of it) SO WELL.

5. THAT SHIELD/REAL AMERICANS MATCH THOUGH! What can I even say about this other than please let the Shield be the new Four Horseman that we all know they can be and also put a goddamn belt on Cesaro already! I will say that Rollins going straight from a suicide dive on one side to a plancha on the other made my heart jump out of my throat and scream SIERRA HOTEL INDIA ECHO LIMA DELTA! If Rollins isn’t a main eventer by this time next year I will eat my shoe. Look at that fucking guy GO! All three of these guys are such dynamic characters and wrestlers. They wrestle more in character than anyone, they sell better than most on offense and defense, they all have great move sets and work hard as FUCK. It’s not just an NXT catchphrase: THE FUTURE IS NOW.

1. Randy Orton is doing fantastic work right now. I guess everybody is tired of him so he isnt getting much credit but dude is on fire. Plus I’ve ALWAYS cheered for the bad guys…. except the Yankees….. fuck the Yankees,

2. The crowd was totally ready to lose it’s freaking mind if Zigs won. He got the loudest cheers and the crowd was so into him. Could this be the time for Zigs to return to the spotlight?

3 & 4. The Cena match pissed me off. I now understand why people hate Cena. Dude just wouldnt be pinned. The ending I didnt like. That match needed Cena to lose. Then maybe the other would have been better.

5. I can honestly say that the Shield and Cesaro are my favorite things in the WWE. Other than HHH (right now) and Orton (right now). I know everybody was blowing their loads with the Shield v. Wyatts but, Cesaro v. anyone on the Shield I’ll watch the whole night.

1. He really is. I don’t think he gets nearly enough credit, especially for his in-ring character. I think the first taste we really got was at the Rumble, because that was the perfect crowd for it. He seems like he literally trolls the crowd for “BORING” chants and it’s wonderful. I LOVE when he stops to pose in the middle of a match. It’s just so dick. He turned one of my least favorite things about him into one of my favorite. I mean, even the over-explaining thing is great because he’s filling air time with the sound of his voice. Paul Heyman is the KING of this. Talking in “Wrestling Voice” super slowly and significantly and articulating everything you say in painstaking detail using a completely unnecessary amount of words but it makes everything you say sound important and prestigious.

2. As much as I’d love nothing more than to believe that “THIS time…” it’s happened too many times before for me to believe it. And I think WWE tends to write off certain guys’ popularity (especially Ziggler) in certain cities (New York, Chicago, Philly, et al) because BIZARRO WORLD or whatever. The problem is, it’s getting to the point where half the crowds they get are BIZARRO so at what point does what these fans think matter to WWE Creative?

3 & 4. I have to disagree with this even though I do understand the frustration with this aspect of Cena. I actually think neither guy could afford to lose this match which is what made the ending so perfect. If Bray is going to come out of the match with Cena better off than before, then Cena ABSOLUTELY can’t lose to a guy who–while he’s breaking out at the moment–is still basically one of Bray’s cronies at this point. He DOES have to look vulnerable and he did x10. And, By God, if you didn’t get chills from the Wyatts standing over sheep masked Cena then I think you might need this: [www.helloquizzy.com]

5. Guys that have come out of NXT have been responsible for pretty much 95% of all the amazing wrestling we’ve been blessed with over the past year or so. What they’re doing with talent development in Orlando is starting to make WWE really special and it’s the most exciting thing in wrestling right now, as far as I’m concerned. If we get to see Rollins v. Cesaro main event Raw in 2014, I will seriously flip my shit as it’s never been flipped.

Then thing about Cena and Harper/Rowan is that the Wyatts should have just been trying to kill Cena….. kinda like what HHH did with Bryan. Instead of going for a million pins that Cena could kick out of, (tangent: the more Cena matches I watch the more it annoys me that Cena makes every pin kick out the same. From the first pin to the last pin every kick out looks like he just got murder but miraculously kicks out.) Harper/Rowan should have just beat his ass without trying to pin. Then after a 10 min match either Cena “finds a opening” or they get a disqualification to save Cena’s face. But they matches didnt do anything for me cause you knew Cena would win.

And I maybe souless… cause last nights ending ruined a decent match for me.

I’m with @hobbitcore . Cena has to win these matches because when he loses to Bray at WM, then it will mean something. And Harper definitely looked like a beast in defeat!

And to go with #5, I keep wanting a new member to join The Shield or The Wyatts. These factions are doing such a great job of getting new guys over, I’d love to see an addition. However, I have no clue who they would be from NXT.

I’ve encountered him at a few bars and restaurants when I went to school at the University of Illinois, general dirtbag who requests the hot server with the big boobs and eyefucks the shit out of them.

I always thought Undertaker’s character was hokey until I thought it through a little and realized he’s the real ghost story. (In horror movies you get the guy who doesn’t believe in ghost bs and is looking for the wires and trick mirrors until he finds out this ain’t a trick-1408 or Fright Night)

Brock/everyone who feuds with Taker has this happen to them-“it’s just trick lighting, it’s just effects, oh crap I hit him with everything I got and he’s still coming at me.” It’s why even a monster of a man like Brock can get shook at facing Taker at Mania-he’s a monster of a man facing a real monster.

To be honest, it makes perfect sense that Brock would be freaked out by this incarnation of the Undertaker. When he was wrestling him the last time, he was BikerTaker. There were no druids or smoke or spooooooooky stuffs. And if we assume that Brock is BEASTMAN BORK SMASH, then it makes sense that he would be super-spooked out by all of that.

I think Luke Harper has quietly become my favorite performer on the show. I say performer because I feel like it covers all the bases in the sense of “sports entertainment;” he sticks to looking crazy, and fights like a monster, and all his subtle 1000 yard stares and his beard are just magical.

A lot of guys are clearly being made to look as though they can go toe-to-toe with Cena (The Ryback, I’m looking right into your eyes, brother) but Harper genuinely looks like he could fold Jern in half and use him as an attaché case.

With Cena’s slow but steady increase to the move-set (Cenacanrana, Tornado DDT, Old Bastard Lariat) I wanna see him age into some latter-day Dean Malenko. Like the 5 Moves Of Doom become increasingly ineffective and every match he has to whip out some new and crazy to set up the finish. BAM, Pele Kick! BAM, Michinoku Driver! BAM, 360 Splash!

what’s a 360 splash? won’t a 360 make it end with a stomp? (which would be the COOLEST THING EVER OMG WHY HASN’T SOMEONE USED THIS AS A FINISHER YET?! (the closest to this is the moonsault into a stomp from sonjay dutt))

Welp. Looks like the Divas matchs wins the “WrestleMania Bathroom Break” for the up-teenth year in a row. Wtf is that shit? A single fall 12 person match? Are you kidding me? It will be fascinating to see how they turn a match with this many elements into something that lasts 2 minutes.

Before the match starts, Cameron requests a mike and starts performing her single “Bye-Bye”, causing all the divas to perform finishers on themselves to escape the torment, the bell rings and Cameron just puts a foot on the nearest person for 5 second win.

That Shield/Real Americans tag match was giving me all types of boners last night. The best part about Face Shield is Rollings getting to go The Full Dragon Gate. If the referee gets “distracted” in a Shield match at some point and a guy on the other team gets whipped into the corner and suddenly like 10 random wrestlers “sneak” into the ring and take turns corner splashing the guy I’ll probably die of an excitement induced heart attack.

On the whole CM Punk thing: It seems that the story they have going now actually makes more sense than whatever they were going to do with Punk. Blessing in disguise AND elaborate work when Punk returns and screws Bryan at WM. Batista still has to win the belt after all.

I dunno how many people here have been watching Old School Raws on the Network but if you thought Cena was bad about shrugging everything off and deciding to win, just imagine if he was a midcarder and danced around the ring every time he decided to win. I give you: Tatanka.

Brandon, I think you’ll be heartened to hear this: I was sitting in one of the sections just off the floor, and some guys a few rows behind me attempted to revive the Attitude Era “SLUT!” chant when Stephanie was in the ring. Disgusted murmurs were heard, and several people (including someone with a kid) hushed them. I was actually proud to be a wrestling fan (for once).

Other notes:

-The casket business went on interminably long, but the crowd enjoyed the final payoff. I’m surprised you didn’t write about Brock splattering his head on the coffin. Maybe it was a “Wrestlemania Rewind” to WM XIX. Eat. Sleep. Break the neck. Repeat.

-Seth was over huge with the crowd. He got a better reaction than even Roman did. Overall, the Shield were the biggest babyfaces on the show, and they closed the night with a dark match vs. The Wyatts. Roman hit all his signature spots, and Seth delivered a speech praising the crowd, requesting that we all do the “three-fists-in-a-circle” Shield salute with the people sitting next to us.

-Though ham-fistedly written, Vickie’s promo was very-well received by the crowd. I enjoyed it, because it invoked past history, and showed that AJ is so loathsome, even the ultimate (in WWE canon) female Big Bad wants to see her punished. It was the WWE equivalent of Lord Zedd and Rita rooting on the Power Rangers in the Power Rangers Movie (did I just make that reference?), and Vickie was the perfect person to deliver AJ her comeuppance.

Yep, nobody sluttier than the businesswoman in pantsuits who’s been happily married for 15 years. Those guys, yeesh. Glad to hear that behavior is shot down.

Vickie’s promo kinda proves how soft the majority of the women in the WWE currently are. All AJ did was cut a promo saying they were worthless (standard heel stuff) and smack them around a little after a match (standard heel stuff). Compared to Trish making fun of Lita’s dead baby or Mickie James kidnapping Ashley Massaro, it’s kids stuff. But, yeah, she’s a bitch and loathsome for being kinda mean WWE. Sure.

Secondly, I am happy that your jaunt through society as “Brandon Stroud, Wrestling Nihilst” isn’t as severe as we all feared. I do agree wholeheartedly on HHH being aces; I’m just so worried that he’s going to decide “To hell with it, I’ll be champ and then D-Bry can beat me at Over the Limit or something.”

If they do this right, Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H should end in a schmozz at Mania (DQ, decision getting reversed, etc) with Bryan winning the title at the end, thus setting up a Bryan-HHH main event championship grudge match at Extreme Rules, with DB going over.

Everybody wins: Bryan wins the title, and gets a main event feud coming out of Mania that establishes him; HHH doesn’t lose cleanly at Mania (the show everyone remembers) and instead loses at a show no one will remember (Extreme Rules), allowing him to claim he’s a selfless performer; the fans get to see Bryan reach “top star” status and stay there (even if it’s only for a little while). I hope they don’t botch it.

I just had a weird vision that the Battle Royal will come down to Goldust and Cody Rhodes and with one betraying the other. Another likely scenario is they get down to the final three play it out, and a third person wins it.

“In my brain, Lesnar should’ve been the first guy to ruin Undertaker’s dumb mindgames trap. When the druids rolled out the big coffin, Lesnar should’ve pounced on them, destroyed them, tipped the coffin over. Set it on fire or something. Go digging around under the ring, drag Taker out by his horrible New York Slice mohawk and pummel him in those dumb blue lights. That’s what I wanted. Lesnar’s already fought the Undertaker plenty of times. Hell, he beat him in a HELL IN A CELL match. HANDILY. Why is he afraid of coffin gags?”

I think it’s because The McMahons are still punishing him for ditching them way back when. Sure, they’ll bring him on to wrestle but really, he’s there to wreck Big Show and Mark Henry en route to being wrecked by HHH or John Cena or Undertaker, his own self.

It’s funny because somewhere on YT there’s an old Bryan interview — I can’t remember if it was with Rosenberg or maybe the first one he did with the hawt girl from Sky Sports, but I think it was shortly after the Sheamus debacle and thus predating the debut of the Shield — where he’s asked who he’d like to see get a push in WWE, and without hesitation he says Seth Rollins. As much as the smark backlash from “18 seconds with Sheamus” kick-started his run, and as much as YES! rocket-launched him, to me, Bryan really got over and mainstream just by having great matches every week and seeming like the only thing in the ring, even when he was with/against other great performers.

I get that same vibe with Rollins right now. He’s just incredible in the ring and fans are really responding to it…

Seriously we need to make “Main Event Watch Parties In the Best/Worst of Raw Thread” a thing. I think that may actually have been better than the match last night. They just threw everything at each other.

wasn’t christian the one that was going to face big E for the IC belt? what happened?

but these orton and batista commercials were indeed awesome. especially how uninteresting and horrible the idea of orton vs batista alone is, even to WWE, that they had to fade bryan and hhh’s photos behind them at the end of it XD