It's Christmas time, or near enough, and around the country normally uptight managers and their generally extremely conscientious and dedicated players are allowing themselves to let their hair down and have a good time. Take, for example, the Blackburn boss, Henning Berg, who proved he was a really good sport at the club's Christmas party. The Norwegian was volunteered when the DJ sought competitors for a hilarious party game and nervously climbed on stage, where he was convinced that it would be fun if he put a stocking over his head. It was harder to convince him to then attempt a bestockinged dance for the entertainment of his watching colleagues, but dance he eventually did. Then someone tried to put a comedy disco frightwig on his bonce, at which point Berg performed a heroic strop so emphatically furious that it is thought he may now leave the club for good. Crikey.

Talking of parties, Steven Gerrard threw one that was so loud, raucous and, well, long that neighbours got miffed and called the police. Officers of the law promptly attended the scene and said "Shhhhhhh", with a particularly stern look on their faces. "No further action was taken," said a spokesman. There's dancing-based fun also to be had at Old Trafford, where Wayne Rooney has developed an obsession for an iPhone app that transplants the user's head on to the body of Gangnam Style supremo Psy and makes them do his signature dance. "He's uploaded most of the United lads on to it," a "source" tells the Sun. The same paper also reveals that the England forward recently bought his son an ice cream. Honestly.

Sadly iPhone-based Gangnam Style japery is the closest anyone gets to actual dancing in the Manchester United dressing room. This is the fault of Patrice Evra, the team's house DJ, whose musical meanderings are now considered so dubious that they may be responsible for the team's continued habit of starting games really badly. "I'm not saying Patrice is showing his age," said Danny Welbeck, "but his tunes are." Meanwhile Sir Alex Ferguson has explained the thinking behind his decision to sign Portuguese flop Bébé. "I am only interested in players who are bad," he revealed, adding: "losers like me."

Talking of United, it seems that one head-to-head tussle against arch rivals Manchesters City – for the Premier League title – is simply not enough and the pair are set to grapple for Shakhtar Donetsk's 27-year-old Brazilian ace Fernandinho, with a £16.5m fee being mooted. That's just loose change for the blue half of the city, who according to the Express are "set to send shockwaves through Europe" by spending £134m – one hundred and thirty four million pounds – on the Real Madrid pair Cristiano Ronaldo and Fábio Coentrão. Let's hope that they are more excited at the prospect of a switch to the Etihad than another rumoured target for Roberto Mancini, Fiorentina's Stevan Jovetic. "It's good to hear rumours about my work," he said, "but I am not thinking about the market. I am not thinking of leaving." To be fair, he has yet to see Sheikh Mansour's chequebook.

Bad news for Liverpool's much-trailed re-signing of Tom Ince from Blackpool: Tottenham and Newcastle want him too, with the Star reporting that fully seven clubs have made offers for the second-generation ace, who is clearly taking the business of preparing for life in the Premier League extremely seriously – he's just bought a Porsche. Better news for Liverpool is that Daniel Sturridge is all set to move Merseysidewards, with the switch likely to trigger yet another massive spending spree at Chelsea. João Moutinho and Marouane Fellaini are their prime targets, and there is even talk of them triggering Radamel Falcao's £48m buy-out clause.

Marseille's French international striker Loic Rémy has issued a thinly-veiled come-and-get-me plea to Newcastle, with whom he has been linked with an £11.4m January move. "They are a very good team. They're a big club with good players, very good fans and a nice stadium that's always full," said the pacey acey. "If I have to leave, then all parties must be happy. I have a contract, so let's wait and see." Talking of fast French forwards, Nicolas Anelka is on the comeback trail as his move to China turns rapidly into a nightmare, and both West Ham and QPR are ready to offer him a way out. "Anelka's a top player, so if he's available he's a player I think would be of interest to people," said Harry Redknapp.

West Ham and QPR are both among the clubs said to be mulling over a move for Celtic's Gary Hooper, with Sunderland and Southampton the other guilty parties. And the Hammers' scouting department win the busiest-people-of-the-day award after their club was also linked with the St Etienne left-back Faouzi Ghoulam, who surely exists entirely so that he can trend on Twitter when the hashtag #scaryfootball does the rounds on 31 October, along with 1930s Arsenal ace Ted Drake-ula and former TV microphone bandit Skeleton Welsby.

Just hours after being linked with a move for the Ajax ace Christian Eriksen, Tottenham are rumoured to be preparing a move for another of the Dutch club's players this morning. The object of their affections today is the Belgian defender Toby Alderweireld, who is also rumoured to be interesting Arsenal and has just issued a thinly veiled – that is, not veiled at all – come and get me plea. "Ajax is a very nice club," he said. "It won't be hard to play here all my life. But a club such as Arsenal and Tottenham, they are fantastic clubs and would be a step forward." Tottenham also like the look of Standard Liège's former Manchester United left-back Zeki Fryers.

Championship plundering update now, and Stoke are rumoured to have the hots for Bolton's Lee Chung-yong, while Fulham want Nottingham Forest's Lewis McGugan. Even though the midfielder's contract expires at the end of the season, however, the parsimonious Premier Leaguers don't want to shell out the trifling fee that would bring him to Craven Cottage in January, so will take him on a free next summer instead.

And finally children at Great Ormond Street, already reeling from the theft of £2,000 worth of their Christmas presents, received a further blow yesterday when, after being told that a nice old man was going to come round, chuckle a little and give them a little gift if they were good, Santa Claus emphatically failed to materialise and Roy Hodgson turned up instead.