As someone who up until very recently worked as a restaurant server to supplement my PT library job, I can honestly say that I’ve seen pretty much the worst humanity has to offer.

So if you want to be the world’s biggest D-bag, here are some handy tips.

Demand that your party of 11 people be seated immediately even though only 2 of those people have arrived and you have no idea when the other 9 will show up. Make sure that the rest of the party show up no more than 2 at a time in 15-20 min increments. Each time a new person shows up be vocally irritated that your server doesn’t appear within 2.5 seconds. Periodically order appetizers while you’re waiting. Order half the entrees at one point and the other half a hour later once the rest of the party has finally showed up. Your server has nothing better to do than make 27 trips to your table and has no problem with you camping out in their big top for the entire night.

When your server introduces his/her/their self, cut them off and/or talk over them. It’s not like they’re a human with a name or anything.

Never say please. Or thank you. Obviously.

If you have children with you, let them push their chair in and out while your server is walking by and run around the restaurant. Then get super pissed when anyone else comments that your kids should really stay in their seat.

Everyone on the table should be on their phone or tablet. Don’t look at your server when speaking. Alternately, be talking on the phone when your server approaches and then get super annoyed that they are interrupting your conversation.

Order water first. Then about 50 seconds after you’ve ordered your food, decide you want wine. Ask for the menu back. Take 6 minutes deciding and then order a cheap Moscato because you actually don’t know anything about wine. Be vocally annoyed when your wine doesn’t immediately appear.

Order coffee with your meal anywhere other than a breakfast restaurant.

When provided with a free carbohydrate such as chips or breadsticks, continually ask for more and complain when you have to wait 5 seconds.

Stop your server when they are walking by you with an obviously heavy tray. Have extended conversation.

Never ask for more than one thing at a time. When one person asks for a different drink, wait until your server brings it to the table to ask for another bowl of soup, then wait for the server to bring it to ask for more napkins. Repeat throughout the meal.

Order something without really knowing what it is. Then complain that what you got isn’t what you wanted after eating over half of it. Send it back so you can get a free meal of something different and half your bill comped because you were too lazy to read the fucking menu.

Order something and then modify everything on the plate until it in no way resembles the dish described on the menu. Be really pissed it takes longer than other food.

Be sure to speak to your server in the most condescending way possible. Either call them “honey” in a tone that makes their skin crawl or just snap your fingers until they notice you. When they ask you clarifying questions like “that dish is very spicy, is that okay?” reply as if they’ve just asked you “what color is the sky?” because they’ve definitely never had a guest go completely apeshit because the dish is too spicy and they just want to make sure everyone is going into this with their eyes open. They’re clearly trying to be an asshole because they want to deliberately ruin your night.

Make some inappropriate comment about your server’s appearance. You’re currently in a position of power, what with the deciding how much money they’ll make off you today and that whole “the customer is always right” horse shit, so take advantage of the situation by making them as uncomfortable as possible.

When your server tries to check in on you send all kinds of signals that you want to be LEFT ALONE, stay and talk for 30 minutes after you’re done eating, then get really pissed your server doesn’t psychically know the instant you want your check.

Speaking of checks, definitely put your server in the middle of your argument about who is going to pay the bill. Each of you try to hand them a credit card and say “No take mine,” “No mine!” because that’s a total win-win situation.

Choose one or more of the following:

Don’t tip

Tip 10% or lower

Tip exactly 15% to the cent

Leave a note saying you don’t believe in tipping

Leave a note welcoming the server to come and meet Jesus

Make not a single complaint during the meal and then leave no tip along with a note about how terrible the service was now that it’s too late to do anything to correct it

Pay in cash, ask for exact change, leave coin change the server carefully counted out for you as part of the tip

I have to nitpick! I’m a terrible offender of 15, and it usually ends with me standing in my kitchen the next morning realizing that I am not having leftovers for breakfast because I’m a moron! I gather from conversations with people that this is a fairly common experience.

Most of the others? Yeah, you either have to be malicious or not believe your server’s a person; fuck that shit.

Yeah, that one is forgivable and I’ve certainly done it myself. It’s the people that I hear say, “actually I don’t want this. Just leave it.” As they get up from the table that make me crazy. If you didn’t want it JUST TELL ME!!