Sharing Inspiring Self-Help Wisdom By Author, Marilyn Fowler

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Dear Readers, I live near the ocean, and sometimes when I look at that vast body of water, I think of the multitude of water droplets it takes to create the oceans, and I think of all the people it takes to create our world. We are the world. But it seems we’ve lost our sense of who we are in the great sea of humankind. I remember when we created our world together, each a part of that creation. But today we live with an ‘us and them’mentality, and we deny our belonging to each other. I feel sad. Today I want to share an article I posted a few years ago on this subject.

The Sea Of Life

Yesterday I spent the day at a hospital with a friend who had surgery. I’ve been in many hospitals in the past, but this experience made what I already knew more real to me. Each of us is unique, traveling our own individual journey through life, but at the same time part of the great whole that makes us the human race. It’s kind of like each unique drop of water being part of the whole body we call the ocean. And the ocean is not the ocean without each drop.

“Individually, we are one drop. But together we are an ocean.” ~Rhunosuke Satoro

While my friend was in surgery, I wandered up and down the halls. I’ve always been a people-watcher, but yesterday I was more keenly aware of everyone and everything I came across. I saw people in wheelchairs or walking with canes while others walked straight and tall. I saw a nurse consoling a woman who was crying, and I noticed a beautiful little boy grinning at me. I saw people in pain and heard their moans, while medical personnel saw to their needs. Contracts everywhere. Yet, in their humanness, they were all apart of each other.

Later I went outside of the building and found a concrete ledge where I sat down. I took off my shoes and rested my bare feet on mother earth, while little ants scampered around as if they knew where they were going. The sun was warm, but there was a cool breeze under the big oak tree where I sat watching a black crow scrounging for his lunch in the dirt nearby. Once in a while, someone sat next to me. Some were happy. Some were not. But each had a story to tell–a unique story, yet part of all the stories that portray who we are.

“Life is like the ocean. It can be calm or still, and rough and rigid, but in the end, it is always beautiful.” ~Unknown

As the day moved on, the hospital became a microcosm of the bigger world, and I became more increasingly aware of life and our connection with each other. We each know sadness and joy, pain and bliss, feast and famine, love and hate, lack and plenty, illness and health–everything in the human experience. And we’re never alone in any of it. While we’re going through something, another person somewhere else is going through the same thing in their own unique way. How sad we don’t claim the ocean in which we swim. It’s really quite a beautiful ocean in spite of the differences we believe separate us.

I’m grateful for this hospital experience. It reminded me we’re much more than what we see in the mirror. In essence, Mother Teresa says, “We know that what we are doing is only a drop in the ocean. But if the drop were not there, the ocean would be missing something.” You serve an important part in the sea of life, and your unique presence helps maintain the sea in which you live. Love yourself, and pour your love out to others. And claim the beautiful ocean in which you swim. It is your home.

First I want to apologize for being gone for several weeks. Since I live in Florida, I spent time before, during, and after hurricane Irma. Trees, limbs, wires, and debris were everywhere, but I rode out the storm and survived without damage to my house or car.

I’m grateful but so sad for others less fortunate. And I ask you to pray for all those who suffered and are still suffering. I appreciate all the well wishes and prayers from you all and was touched. God bless all.

Now For This Week’s Post!

Imagine that when you wake up each morning a familiar feeling of dread reaches your mind, and your stomach immediately tightens with stress.You fold your hands over your chest and calm yourself enough to get up and go to a job where you have to face the monster who supervises you with criticism, insults, and anything his sick mind conjures up. You would have left long ago, but you love your work, and you keep thinking things will change. But they don’t. What would you do in such a situation?

On our journey through life, we each experience painful situations that hold us hostage with no visible way out. These situations can involve health, work, financial issues, damaging relationships, losses, various addictions, whatever causes us pain. We bring some on ourselves, and others invade our orderly world without explanation. And we usually view each one as our all-powerful enemy. We may fight back, or leave the situation. Then another one is sure to come. And we move through life never really free to be who we are. Maybe we need to take a closer look and see what’s really happening.

Obstacles in your life are not enemies. They’re opportunities to learn, overcome, and grow into more of the person you’re meant to be. Without these opportnities, you may never realize the depth of how wonderful you are. At times, the road is painful, but if you meet each encounter with faith and determination, life can be rewarding and meaningful.
Years ago I worked as a Mental Health Therapist in a Psychiatrist’s office, and I suffered the same experience as in my opening example. I awoke each morning with dread about going to work. I went to my Minister for help, and she carefully listened, then said, “This man is probably one of the most important teachers you will ever have. Pay attention, learn and grow, and you will be guided to the next plateau in your life.” She was right. I saw myself and my situation with new vision, and I finally left for a new rewarding position, as a wiser and happier me.

“If you can learn from the worst times of your life, you’ll be ready to go into the best times of your life.” ~Author Unknown

Methods For Change:

Meet each difficult situation as an opportunity with a willingness to learn and grow from it.

Analyze the situation and your response to it. You can learn a lot about yourself in the way you respond to a negative, even hurtful, situation in your life. The more you learn, the more powerful you become. And your situation’s power over you weakens.“Keep asking yourself: What am I supposed to learn from this?” ~ Unknown

Go within and examine your attitude and feelings, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Do you feel stressed with worry, fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, forsaken, etc? How immersed are you in your feelings? How clear is your mind? Where is your focus…on the situation, your inner response, or both? Do you view the situation as more than you can handle? Can you call on your Higher Power for help? Question and learn.You’re stronger than you think. Uncover your strengths, and let them shine. Use denials and affirmations ie; “I deny that this situation has any power over me. I am strong and unbeatable.” This process will reinforce your power.

Create a plan to deal with your situation. Then choose techniques that would work best for you…confronting, accepting, or getting away from it. As you go along, monitor your situation and your response, and know you have a right to the life you want. And make it so. Each time you pass a hurdle, you can look back with a grateful heart to where you were, compared to where you are now. And what you learn now will lift you to a higher place for future encounters.

Home is a place where we live, where we keep our toothbrush and our dirty clothes hamper–or is it? We don’t usually take notice, but what if it’s a state of being that one feels in a certain place, or in every place. I’ve known people who feel at home wherever they go, and others who have never felt at home anywhere. The place where one lives could be a house, an apartment, a cave, the side of a mountain, a ship at sea, or under a bridge somewhere. Does the place matter? Or is home really inside of us, in our mind and heart waiting for expression?

“It takes hands to build a house, but the only heart can build a home.” ~ Anonymous

We each have our own ideas about what a home should be–or what it should not be. And our memories are sometimes involved in this perception. We may want to escape painful childhood memories or re-create happy ones in our surroundings. For some, it’s the physical environment, for others the people they’re with, or the state of their affairs. A person can live in a mansion and long to go home. But the place where we live is just a place until something there satisfies a need in us, and then we perceive the place as home. So it’s the meaning we assign to a place that brings us in touch with our inner sense of home.
I have a friend who was born and raised in Poland. She sometimes speaks of walking in the woods near her grandfather’s farm when she was a child, and of the safe, warm feelings she experienced there. Now when times get rough for her, she longs to go home to Poland. That place is where she found her inner sense of home, and that’s where she yearns to be when she feels a need to rest from life’s burdens.

Until I moved into my present home, I had never lived in one dwelling for more than four years. I used to wonder what it was like to have a home. When I was nine-years old I came close to knowing what that meant. I spent several months with an aunt and uncle in their lake house in Michigan. It was a beautiful time when I felt home inside of me. I felt joy in the scenic wonder of the place, validatedand loved by my aunt and uncle, accepted by my school friends and was treated as a special part of the universe. That’s what home meant to me, and I found it there, if only for a little while.

“Some people look for a beautiful place. Others make a place beautiful.” ~Hazrat Inayat Khan

Each of us is unique, and howhomes are created differs with different people. Some may feel at home as soon as they walk into a place where they will live. Others may already know what they need and want, and they plan purposefully to fulfill their unique perception of home. Others may create gradually without purpose toward a home, and over time, without forethought, add little by little, until one day they look around and say with a smile, “Oh, my goodness. I’ve turned my place into a real home.” However a home is created, it’s a feeling made manifest from the heart.“A house is made of bricks and beams. A home is made of hopes and dreams.” ~Unknown

What thoughts, memories, visions, scents, and sounds come to mind when you think of home? Do you already have a place that’s home to you? Does where you live satisfy a need in you? Your home is an ongoing expansion in your life, and as the years’ pass, allow it to reflect more of you and what you hold dear.

I wish you love, peace, joy, safety, and abundance in your special home.

We seldom think of life as a journey,but that’s what it is. For most, it goes from infancy to old age, and we travel through many situations with different people, places, and experiences. And most of the time we don’t really notice where we’re going. We just move along and deal with whatever comes up. But every single moment is a precious part of what makes your journey unique.

Our journey is like a tapestry where our life weaves many designs reflecting our happiness, our pain, our challenges, opportunities, lessons, and yes, our blessings. We face many changes, some welcome, some bitter memories, but all a part of our own individual journey that no one else can live for us. As you move through the years, every thread is woven by you and becomes a part of who you are.
Sometimes your journey provides pit falls with people and situations that pull you down. And you feel lost. Did you make a wrong turn? Where is your road? How can you go on? But then you dig deep inside where guidance is always there to lift you back to your familiar path, the one you know in your heart is where you belong…your rightful place on your journey. And you begin again, stronger and wiser than before.

“Somewhere on your journey, don’t forget to turn around and enjoy the view.” ~Unknown

Our journey consists of a series of stages where life takes on new flavors with new ways to live each day. Although we may fight the passage of time, each stage is equally important with opportunities to learn and grow. We all know nostalgia, and sometimes we want to go back. But on this journey when the road gets rough, we can’t make a U turn and go back to happier, easier times. Those memories you want to recapture now live in your mind and heart.

Oh, how I remember when my children were small. I rocked my babies, rode on the sled with them when they got older and when my son fell off his bike, I got the gash in his head sutured, I ordered art lessons for my other son and made my daughter’s prom dress. Treasured memories, some wonderful, some not so wonderful. You know what I mean. You have yours too. Did you realize time was passing when you lived those years? I didn’t. I just took it all for granted.

Then one day I looked around and realized I had aged, and I wondered where it all went–those precious memories, my clear skin, my flat tummy and my firm rear end. Wow. It must have happened when I wasn’t looking. Time has a way of creeping up on us, and we don’t notice the changes until they’re demanding our attention to make necessary adjustments.

“Be brave enough to live life creatively. The creative place where no one else has ever been.” ~ Alan Alda

So much is said about living in the present, but I think we don’t realize the full meaning of the word ‘living’. To live is to learn, to savor, to share, to be aware of self and others, and to know where we are on our journey and what we want to do with it. We have the power to create the quality of our lives in spite of challenges. Did you know that? And you’re probably a lot smarter than you used to be, so you’re more able to create the quality you want.

Think about where you are now, and where you want to go. Keep the precious moments from the past, and forgive your mistakes. You did the best you could according to your growing ability at the time. Don’t carry them now. You’re a beautiful being on a glorious journey of self-realization. There is a Divine purpose in your journey, and you’re part of that Divine plan for yourself and humanity. Hang on and enjoy the ride.

Each of us is a unique being, expressing a unique self, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And no one else can live our life for us or deal with all that happens to us. But as we move through life, we do a lot of feeling without an accurate understanding of all that’s taking place at a given time. And it’s important to also experience life with knowledge and understanding and find meaning in our being here.

When we suffer, there’s one question that usually comes up,“Why do I have to suffer in this life?” There are all kinds of answers, but in the end, who really knows? Maybe it’s there to teach us something, to make us grateful for the good times, to appreciate our blessings, to emphasize compassion…and more. Whatever the reason, it’s part of life, and we can learn to see it in a different way with our innermost self.

We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are. Unknown

No one wants to suffer at all, but suffering must be included in a meaningful life. Step back, look at your life, and ask questions. What is yours, and only yours, to do in your life? What is, or was your suffering, and what do you see in it…pain, loss, bondage? Your own perceptions of your suffering create what it is, and no one else can experience or express it. Therefore it becomes something more meaningful than simply pain. And you can learn to not only survive but to thrive in spite of it…or because of it.
Your suffering may be temporary or of a chronic nature. But your perception of it is vital to the quality of your life, and it can save you or destroy you. Ina positive way, your perception can provide valuable information about you and help you see personal qualities of which you’re not aware. Maybe you’re stronger than you think, or you have ‘first hand’ experiences that can help others, or you’ve developed skills to compensate for the suffering.

In a negative way,your perceptions of your suffering can influence the severity. Or when you allow your suffering to become who you are, your true self may get lost in the pain. We apply meaning to everything. And if you assign negative meaning to your condition, defining what you believe it is, that may lead to more pain and inability to deal with it. But sometimes life itself will heal your suffering and provide a way to escape.

Until my early forties, I suffered from serious depression and cursed the pain every day. Then 2 years of intensive therapy released me from my prison and opened a door to a rewarding career as a Mental Health Therapist. Looking back I blessed those bitter years and expressed gratitude for the suffering that led to renewed purpose for my life. Those years provided insight into the lives of my suffering patients, and I understood their pain.

While working in a jail setting, I circulated a book titled,“Man’s Search For Meaning” by Viktor Frankl. I can’t imagine how many read this book, or tried to read it, but its pages are yellowed, phrases underlined in pencil, words scribbled in the margins, and many questions from my patients about its contents. It offered new understanding and possibilities for their lives…some attainable, some not.

In this book, Dr. Frankl offers various ways to deal with your suffering and find meaning in it. Imagine you’re 85 years old looking back on your life when you did a lot without thinking about it. Be an observer and remember…happy times when you laughed and had fun, the people in your life, problems you solved, your skills and talents, your accomplishments, things you did well and mistakes you made, lessons learned, small kindnesses like hellos to strangers, warm hugs, holding doors open for others, blessings given and received, etc, etc. Look at your life, and include your sufferings. They were an important part of it.

“Your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same.” ~Unknown

Now return to your present time and see your life with new eyes, with a new mind and heart, with knowledge and understanding, and with love and forgiveness wherever it’s needed. Can you now accept your suffering as something you deal with, while your light reduces any darkness you face? You have the ability to rise above any situation, and your beautiful self can find peace.

Chaos…that thing that drives us up the wall, that most of us can’t define, but we know how it feels. We avoid it whenever possible, but it does invade our life. Roget’s Thesaurus describes chaos qualities as confusing, disorderly, unruly, disruptive, haphazard, disorganized, undisciplined, etc, etc. You know…the kind of atmosphere you don’t want to be around.

Usually, on our journey through life, everything moves along at a steady predictable pace. But then those bumps in the road project us into a state of chaos, or at least to a point where we need to resurrect our problem-solving gear and get busy reducing its influence on our nervous system. It creeps into our peaceful world when our antennae’s are clogged with all our familiar daily activities. And we just don’t see it coming. Or it can attack suddenly without warning, and transport us from a sunny day at the beach to a sinking ship without a paddle for survival. And we stand in confusion wondering what just happened. We’ve all been there.

Chaos comes in many forms from mild to severe, and can affect us physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. And it can take a toll. Chronic worriers live with chaos, and most don’t realize they’re bringing it on themselves. Every day is a crisis, and the crises don’t end. “What if I lose my job; whatif I can’t pay my bills; what if I get sick; etc.” Their whole life is a chaotic experience. Or Uncle Joe comes to live with your family in your orderly, well run home. He throws his clothes on the floor, drools at the dinner table, turns on lights and music during the night while he raids the fridge, answers your phone with nonsense, etc, etc. That’s chaos, and you’re feeling it big time.

I remember when I welcomed a new group of people moving into the house next door to me, but I soon regretted their presence. They were members of a band with amps and a microphone, and practiced everyday on their screened porch that faced my living room. I felt surrounded by chaos every time deafening sounds filled my head and scrambled my nerves, my floors vibrated, and my poor dog crouched shaking on the sofa. Finally, after visits by the police, they moved out.

Chaotic situations are okay as long as they don’t last too long. But what happens when they last for days, months, even years, with no end in sight? We think, there’s no way out, I can’t deal with this anymore, I feel like just giving up. But giving up means you think the chaotic situation has tremendous power over you, and you’re done. However, each of us is blessed with everything we need to survive and thrive. And you have more strength within than you imagine, and there’s more you can do.“If plan ‘A’ fails, remember there are 25 more letters.” ~Unknown

There are2 ways to deal with a chaotic situation. Either resolve it or accept it.First write down and clarify outer areas of chaos, and work with others to create a less chaotic world. Fill your surroundings with people, places, and things that bring joy and order in your life, and learn to tune out what you don’t want to see or hear. Do what you can, and include ways to distance yourself from the chaos.

When you’ve tried everything to resolve it, and it’s still there, accepting it means making peace with it, letting go of the way you feel about it and the way you respond to it. Write down and clarify your opinions and feelings. Then practice “inner work” to create “inner peace.” Talk about the situation with denials and affirmations; “I deny you have any power over me, and I affirm peace in my heart as I release any painful response or feelings about it.” Repeat every time the challenge comes to mind. And be patient. In time, you can replace the chaos with peace.

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

Find a place of your own where you can pray, meditate, whatever you want, and remember who andwhat you are. And allow your chaotic situations to show you what you need to know. You are important as your life does have meaning. So don’t let anyone or anything turn your head or heart from that truth.

We’re all involved in relationships, and no two are alike. The easy ones bring joy and comfort. The impossible ones may stay for a while, but most of the time they don’t last. The difficult ones may take some work, but we usually feel they’re worth keeping. And each one is there for a purpose, to bring a blessing and/or a lesson. No matter what, our life is blessed by people.

When dealing with those difficult ones it’s wise to first know yourself...to understand your feelings when someone ticks you off. What bothers you and what doesn’t …and why? Do you know your strengths and weaknesses? Are you tactful or confronting…quiet or outspoken…judgmental or accepting? What are your fears and insecurities? And what ability or talent can you express to others? You may have valuable qualities of which you’re not even aware. The better you understand yourself, the better you’ll understand others, even the difficult ones. So know yourself first, and then focus on the people in your life.

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; oftentimes we call a man cold when he is only sad.” ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

A person’s behavior patterns are clues that reveal much about them. And difficult people may require closer attention to understand their behaviors. The more you observe and understand, the better equipped you are to deal with them. They may have inner fears or insecurities that cause troublesome behaviors that frustrate or irritate you. Maybe there’s fear of losing control, losing position, revealing weaknesses, or some other hidden fear. Or there may be some emotional pain the person is not comfortable sharing. We all try to protect ourselves in some way, and we may use negative behaviors to cope. We can’t see inside of another person, but knowing and understanding as much as possible may lead to a better relationship.
Everyone is unique with particular talents or abilities, and these become part of who they are in the world. Some can fix problems, some are comforting, some are fun, some give good advice, some are good listeners, etc. But no one is all of these, so we can’t expect anyone to be everything to us. Nor can we be everything to everyone else. But learning a difficult person’s talents and abilities can be used to create a more harmonious relationship.

“Some of the best people with whom you can have a relationship are the people who challenge your thinking.” ~ T. D. Jakes

Years ago when I worked with a mental health team in a jail setting, one Sergeant felt threatened by our presence and always gave us a hard time. So I devised a plan to soften his attitude. I noticed he was organized and had a talent for keeping his floor running smoothly with few problems. So I assumed a subordinate attitude and began complimenting him on the exceptionally good work he was doing. Well, his frown quickly changed as he threw out his chest and smiled with ego satisfaction. From then on, our difficult relationship became one of congenial cooperation. So compliments are sometimes useful in melting a negative attitude.

Sometimes things work and sometimes they don’t. So if your efforts to create more harmony are not producing results, it may be time to regroup and alter the way you relate to a person. If there’s conflict when you try to discuss deeper personal issues with someone, but it’s absolutely necessary, then do it. But try to generally relate to them on a lighter, more surface level, so as not to step on any thin ice. Avoid areas in which they become defensive. Try to understand where they’re coming from, and help them feel safe with you. But if nothing works, be willing to let them go.

If you want to keep a difficult person in your life, try to look past behaviors that disturb or irritate. And don’t get caught up in their chaos. There’s good in everyone, even those who come across otherwise. So look for qualities in them that you can enjoy. You wouldn’t want to keep them if you didn’t already see something of value, even something to help you learn and grow. Approach all of your relationships with love and as much understanding as you can muster. You just might find a diamond in some rough exteriors. And their lives just might enrich yours.

I wish you many happy relationships.

Marilyn Fowler, Author of “Silent Echoes” and Writer for “Keys To Recovery”