coffee talk

perhaps its from all the SNL I watched this week, but the group shot intro for Vanderpump Rules reminds me of The Californians where everyone goes to stare into the mirror at the end.

it’s like every bus boy and dishwasher thats ever worked there trying to squeeze into the corner of the shot. the right hand corner its like everyone trying to make there way in – sheana, shay, pandora and vail hidden back there trying to get their heads in the shot… the two people that run the place and speak french….. good god everyone.

Scheana’s wedding got even white trashier than her crop top during this weeks episode where we got to see her reception. For such a smiley person who befriends everyone, she was the bitchiest bride! She was flipping the hell out all day and night, as in, mid hugging guests goodbye she’s like “WTF!? I DIDNT DO THE DOLLAR DANCE YET?!”

scheana….. hate to break it to you sweetie, but I’m guessing whatever this “dollar dance” is shouldn’t be happening at a wedding reception and it’s probably a good thing your hot mess instagram “wedding planner” sucks and didn’t orchestrate it properly.

it’s too bad your first dance music played properly though…. whatever that grinding/club move thing you were doing was will be as big of a regret as that crop top.

:: the bachelor ::

I mean….. we had 4 hours of the bachelor this week plus an hour if chris harrison interviewing.

good lord.

I HAVE A FULL TIME JOB. but of course I have to watch every damn minute still!! thanks a lot ABC. GEEZ.

chris interviewed crazy-pants-widow and she hadn’t seen the episode where she completely sh*t talks Princess-Jasmine-Belly-Ring and then gets kicked off.

she is saying to Chris ” I hope my respect for her still shines through”

OH SWEETIE. Women Tell All (and America) are going to rip you a new one and you are still acting like you have no idea that the world thinks you are crazy and not that your story is AMAZING.

Also, Chris interviewed Andi about her breakup with Josh.

Ok…… I thought I had gotten better about going all soft over reality TV shows….. but this really got me.

She was sobbinnnnggg. Before the interview even started you could tell the make up people had been trying to fix her but you could already see how red and puffy her eyes were. Then she cries and cries and her nose runs and runs and CHRIS DOESN’T EVEN OFFER HER A TISSUE.

Like, seriously. Waterworks and a snot fountain, and he doenst think for a moment to wait and get the girl a damn tissue!

but my eyes were filled with tears at one point at the end of it watching her cry. you can’t fake that kind of sadness and I really felt for her.

but enough of my emotional moment….. on to bitching about the current season…..

The girls go to IOWA!

WOO HOOO!

worst season ever to be cast on this show. these girls must be so disappointed.

they leave the bustling metropolis of des moines iowa to drive 3 hours to the middle of nowhere-ville that chris wants these girls women to call HOME.

They drive there are…… I mean….. working on their acting skills to pretend they are totally fine with it.

No bar no restaurant NO COFFEE SHOP! I don’t even drink coffee and I would be like UMMMMMM THERE’S NOT EVEN A COFFEE SHOP? There’s literally not a single place for socialization. Nowhere.

And the grocery – “THE market” – is closed too!!

so literally like, what else is there?? If you can’t even socialize at a grocery store what the hell are you supposed to do?? And what do these people eat ?

Right when Lipstick Britt was about to give up hope on moving there, SHE SAW A SUNSET. She can totally live there now.

Right when I was about to claim I could NEVER EVER EVER live there the camera panned to a sign :

damn straight I took a pic from bed of the TV…. you’re welcome.

Liquor

Pizza

Chicken

Fro yo

TO GO

UM WHAT ELSE COULD A GIRL WANT?

That is literally a white girls dream diet.

Sorry for being moody Chris…. I take it back…. I could marry you and live in deliverance.

Jade the playboy playmate (not yet revealed to Prince Farming) gets the AMAZINGLY FAB date to his old high school to stroll the halls and check out all 300 people that the town consists of in the bleachers. she even meets the parents!

THE IRONY of the playmate getting that date and meeting the parents is SO not lost on me. well done producers. well done.

chris keeps shooting himself in the foot “she’s such small town girl with a good head on her shoulders.”

{insert jaws music for what is to come…… da nun……..}

:: Group Date ::

Lipstick Britt : Sweet midriff top on the ice rink

Crazy Carly : talking to chris about Lipstick Britt “it really freaked me out and I know how much you like her and it made me scared for you”

SIMMER DOWN GOOD LORD HE’S NOT THAT GREAT GOOD GOD.

:: hometown dates ::

kaitlin, who has more personality in her finger than chris does in his whole body, and who I truly can’t comprehend why is she still there, gets

FARMER CHRIS RAPPING.

NO WORDS. IT’S SO HORRIBLY GREAT.

HE HAS NO COMPREHENSION OF BEAT or RHYTHM.

NONE. ZERO.

I SERIOUSLY WANT TO SEE HIM DANCE.

kaitlins mom is a little saucy and seems like she likes to have a good time. can see where she gets it.

jade’s hometown begins….

they walk in to her house and her whole family is areall just sitting silently in chairs facing the door.

HOLY AWKWARD.

then chris is like I LOVE HOW SHES A SMALL TOWN GIRL ITS HARD TO FIND SOMEONE WITH THOSE VALUES. her mom, dad, brothers, are all trying to tell him he’s nuts and that “she’s a wild mustang”

chris learns back at the hotel just how wild of a mustang she is when she shows chris the pictures and PLAYS HIM VIDEOS (i can’t i just can’t — hands over my face so awkward I can’t handle it) of her naked and seducing the camera.

This is like….. the most hilarious thing I’ve ever witnessed and so horribly painful to watch, especially with how smiley and giggly she is while playing the videos.

I mean…… please ABC don’t put us through four hours of IOWA and Hometown ever again.

:: RHOBH ::

yawn of an episode.

how much pinot grigio had they had at lisa’s party when they all are “singing” sentences into the microphone? menopause mamas is right (damn you brandi)

I really hope thats not what my friends and I look like when we are tipsy and think we are hilarious

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

Comments

It was so funny seeing those girls go to Iowa. And like you said, hearing "Lipstick Britt" changing her whole perception of wanting to live in Iowa based off of a BEAUTIFUL SUNSET LIKE WOW…that just tickled me. I can see her living off of gumdrops and fairy dust. I would say angel dust but even she wasn't that loony.

I love reading coffee talk – I look forward to each one you write. We are on the same page. I came across a Bachelor recap site, by a former contestant? Had to share. Thanks again for making me laugh! http://www.alltheprettypandas.com/bachelor19/

omg looove it! Did you see the SNL with Blake Shelton where he was the bachelor and asking all the girls if they wanted to come live nowhere with him and all the girls responded "I love it" Soooo true! How could anyone live there?!! Yikes! Felt the same way as you, 4 hours of the bachelor?! cmon ppl! And SNL 40th anny was perfection. Then I read a few behind the scenes about how Eddie Murphy was supposed to play Cosby but backed out at the last minute and how he hadn't returned to SNL since he left but when he was on he was da bomb apparently.. Now I want to go watch old episodes where Eddie Murphy was on b/c he doesn't seem that funny now..

HI. I’M TAYLOR

A Southern girl turned Chicago transplant, recently settling back down in Atlanta. Fluent in sarcasm. Devout Bravo-holic and TV addict. Balances fitness with french fries. Penchant for Prosecco and Pinot Grigio. Wannabe Ina Garten in the kitchen. Online shopping enthusiast. Lover of fashion and decor.