topiary cats

Friday, April 17, 2015

Spring Lows

This is a hard time of year for me. Every year. Nothing is wrong, in fact things are pretty fine for the most part, but the Spring blahs always hit me. Maybe it is something biological; I don't know. But for whatever reason, I have a heavy sadness. It's just something I maneuver around.

Apparently this is pretty common. And May is the prime month for suicides.

Almost two years ago I had what might be the worst conversation in my life. Or maybe a tie for worst, I can't decide. Someone just absolutely ripped me apart, out of nowhere. While I was at work. They knew exactly what they were doing; they admitted it while they were doing it. I was told, among other things, that I try so hard, I make such an effort with people, reaching out, but all I really do is embarrass myself. Because I am ignorant about the proper way to go about things. So I try and try, I get it wrong and they are just completely embarrassed for me. Anyhow, I reacted quite badly and it blew up two family relationships. Pretty much the last two that were standing.

It caught me completely off-guard and messed me up for a really long time. I worked through it but I discovered it is still affecting me.

It has made me very gun-shy, so to speak. I discovered this from- of all things- sending a gift card to someone for their birthday. It's a distant acquaintance, someone I haven't seen or spoken to for a long time. But I wanted to do something nice for them. Even though we don't have much contact, I care very much for this person's welfare and, well I just wanted to do something nice for them. That's all.

And I just can't help wondering if I have embarrassed myself. I KNOW it is crazy and irrational. But there it is. I know exactly where it stems from, I can analyze and understand it all I want- but it is still there.