Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• David Welles of Chicago sent a link to "The Quadrilogy of My Favorite Snow Shovel," which he summarizes as "My neighbor stole my Snow Shovel. Caught it all on Video – and my revenge." When I asked if I should post his name despite neighborly ramifications, he wrote, "You can. I don't know her. And I hope she sees it." There's no better way to start a Super Bowl Sunday than with footage of vengeance achieved. [YouTube]

• Phil Simms, who threw three incompletions in Super Bowl XXI, apparently threatened to hit Desmond Howard yesterday. Something about smack talk regarding one of the younger Simms. Desmond Howard proceeded to cry about it on Twitter, like someone who deserves to get hit. [MKRob]

• Cleveland Cavaliers: They achieve! A league-record 24-game losing streak. Said Coach Byron Scott afterwards, "Mentally, [the streak] starts to wear on you a little bit until you can get over the hump." Profound words. [Cleveland Cavaliers]

• Evgeni Malkin of the Pittsburgh Penguins is expected to miss the rest of the NHL season. Bum knee(s). [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

• Here's a tease for Kevin Cullen's Boston Globe column "Sure, the marriage of Vernon and Betsy Grant was mixed, but not in the way you might think." He's black, she's white. He's a Pats fan, she's a Packers fan. See what he did there? [Boston Globe]

• And the Mets/Madoff mess gets even messier. To wit:

The lawsuit filed against the Mets co-owners by Irving Picard, trustee for Madoff's victims, alleges that Wilpon, Katz and their colleagues at Sterling Partners freely dipped into their wives accounts as if they were their own.
They "counted the purported equity in their wives' accounts toward their own total net worth, and also used funds withdrawn from their wives' accounts to meet their personal and/or business financial obligations," the documents said. [New York Post]

• The humongous-est story nobody's talking about: How do the Miami Dolphins and their fans feel this time of year? [Miami Herald]

• The new Chicago Cubs pitching coach has taken the "tough love" approach. That should go well. [Chicago Tribune]