After reading an erotic novel, Peter writes one himself using Carter's money. When Carter gets sued and loses all his money, he's forced to live as a middle-class citizen. Meanwhile, Stewie trains for the Olympics.

When Peter gets a vasectomy, he loses his sex drive, causing Lois to get depressed and gain weight. Meanwhile, Stewie's half-brother Bertram returns to confront him and they have a battle for control of the playground.

After Brian's near-death experience he starts a new life where he ends up with a nightly singing gig with Frank Sinatra Jr. Meanwhile, Meg pretends to be a lesbian to fit in with a new after-school group.

When Meg gets turned down on a date, she heads with Lois to the mall for an extreme makeover. Meanwhile, Peter tries to start a band with the guys and when that fails, ends up performing with his family.

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Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?