I Will NOT Be Beaten.

Good morning! I have a little bit of a heavier topic on my mind today that could potentially be triggering. If you feel like this could harm you, PLEASE just close this window immediately. I debated whether or not I wanted to post about this, but I ultimately decided that I need to

a) Stop denying the truth and

b) Keep my blog honest

So, that being said, let’s just cut to the chase. I’ve been struggling lately. With eating. I have been denying this for as long as it has been happening, both in my life and on the blog. I haven’t intentionally tried to play up a false image or pretend that I wasn’t struggling. I just hadn’t admitted it to myself.

When I was at my worst with food, it was a total control issue. Yes, I wanted to lose weight, but it was primarily not knowing what was in my food that gave me the most anxiety, not necessarily the amount of it. And with all of the exam and life related stress I’ve been dealing with lately, I’ve found myself resorting to some of my old coping mechanisms (read: weighing peanut butter, “Do I really need this snack?”, etc.)

I wish I couldn’t tell you the exact amount of every single thing in this picture.

For example, yesterday I was hungry when I got home from my biology exam at 12pm, but I tried to put off eating lunch until 2pm because that is my “acceptable” time to eat on Thursdays. I don’t like eating a snack at work (we’re usually really busy and I get self-conscious eating in front of people) and don’t get home for dinner until around 7pm, so I put off lunch as late as possible to avoid hunger. I know that it doesn’t make sense and I have zero problem with eating (pretty hefty) afternoon snacks all other days, so I don’t know why it bothers me so much on Thursdays.

NOT a snack.

I cannot let this continue. I just registered for my half marathon, and will be burning a TON of energy in the upcoming months. There is no way that I will allow myself to lose more weight and/or get another injury because I was being stupid with my eating habits.

This was me less than one month ago! And it will be again.

I know what the answer is. I have to suck it up, put the scale away, and not care if I have 1.3 tbsp of almond butter instead of 1. I need to realize that just because I whip out a granola bar at work does not mean everyone is suddenly going to stop everything that they are doing and judge me. All in all, I need to get with the program.

This applies to exercise too. Though I did have a hard time with lunch yesterday, I chose not to go for a run. I had intended on it, but I was tired from my exams, I had exercised Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday already, and my shin splints were acting up. I could have ignored those signs, but instead I cancelled my run, and promptly laid on my bed reading blogs before doing some serious foam rolling.

I want the experience of training for my half marathon to be FUN! I don’t want to feel pressured to run all the time, and I especially do not want to lose the muscle I have worked so hard to put on this month. <– Seeing arm definition is a fun feeling! I may be battling some old demons again, but I will NOT be beaten.

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13 thoughts on “I Will NOT Be Beaten.”

Gosh girl I can relate to every single thing you just stated. With me it’s always about ‘control’. More work-related stress = restricting. It’s so habitual sometimes I don’t realise that I’m doing it (that is – cutting out a snack here or there in order to be ‘in control’ or something twisted like that). I feel like I’ve been working at getting better forever and I go through periods where I am making progress..then BAM! I get extra stressed over something and I’m tempted to fall back :(. But we can do this! We can beat it well and good 🙂

First of all, thank you so much for opening up! I’m so glad you are recognizing that you are slipping and trying to change. I really hope you give that scale away – it’s not worth it! Please know that you can email me at any time if you need to talk – especially about half training, I trained for my half and ignored shin splints, overtraining, and exhaustion + not enough food, and so I ended up not being able to run it. So yeah. Learn from that and be smart and please reach out to someone if you can who you are close to. (Your mom maybe?) I’m here for you if you need to talk. I have the same problem with restricting when I get stressed – we both need to work on that it sounds like!

I’m so happy that you’re realizing and addressing that you have a few problems when it comes to your thoughts on eating! I think that putting it out there and being honest with yourself is a HUGE step in the right direction.

I can relate to a lot of what you said… Trying to put off a meal until later, “acceptable” times to eat, worried about what others will think of my meal… I’ve been there, girl! Thank you for opening up (to yourself, first and foremost!!) but to us as well. It sounds like you are very self aware and accepting of what needs to be done to train healthy for your half. I know that’s only the first step in your battle but know you have all of our support!