July 4th is over, it is the one holiday I absolutely don't like and dread every year. I am feeling very down and depressed. I don't know why. I saw my Pdoc last week and she upped my a/d med. I was on the lowest dose having come down from the highest but we did it very slowly, over a period of about 1 and 1/2 years. I am now going up to the middle dose and will see her again in 3 months to see how I am doing. I see my therapist tomorrow and she always helps me. I don't know what happened to make me get so depressed again when I was doing so well. And I was on the lowest dose for 3 months and feeling fine. Now it is all down hill. I feel so alone. I have a couple of old friends I could connect with again but I don't have the nerve or energy to do it yet. I still ocassionaly see my regular group of friends but not as often as every one is so busy and doesn't want to spend money to go out. I was thinking of going back to my old church and seeing about becoming a member again in hopes of meeting some new friends. But again I don't have the ability to get myself going and go talk to the minister. My hopes of finding a part time job are slim to none. Does anyone know how long it takes to feel better when you up your med? I have been on this med for a while so I hope it won't take 5-6 weeks to work. I get down in the summer because I hate the heat and humidity here. It is so oppresive. I know I am also faced with the broken wedding date of my son. I just don't know what I am going to do on Oct. 3 but it is going to be a hard day for me and the next day too. I was thinking of having some friends over and have some kind of a pot luck supper. I know I need to be with people. I am just so lonely.

Aurora,Holidays are hard for everyone. It is an exhausting period of time & being lonely can really add to that. But try to give yourself a few days to get back into a regular schedule without all of the festivities surrounding you & see if the depression doesn't improve a bit on its own.

It does take quite some time for the higher dose to kick in, but I don't think you should resign yourself to weeks of misery just yet. You have been doing pretty well at staying as positive as could be expected right now. Hang in there until tomorrow, talk to your therapist & see if you don't then feel a bit better. As far as making friends or rejoining the church, I don't think any of us would ever reconnect with anyone if we waited until we felt like it. Sometimes it just takes making a choice -- doing what we know is good for us even though it just feels awful at the time.

I was SO terrified of starting my job. The first day I was 30 minutes late b/c all I could do was curl up in a little ball & cry. But I pushed myself through it & now it is easier. It has been the same about getting together with friends. It's just always going to be hard & scary until you do it. I don't know why that is. So I just wanted to encourage you to do whatever will help you get through this weekend for now, but then maybe consider trying one small thing (maybe just invite an old friend over for coffee -- or if your house looks like mine, maybe go out somewhere for coffee). It's not easy to do, but I will say that I have a lot less time these days to think about my depressing life (though granted, it is still way too much time :). Hang in there!

Aurora: Having just read your post I can certainly sympathize with you. I have been alone for this entire July 4th weekend as well. My children are with their father, his live-in "fiance", son and family doing things with his parents that I used to do with them. And others I know are all at picnics. Meanwhile, I am here cleaning, painting and trying to get my house ready to be put on the market in another week and-a-half or so.

But despite all this loneliness and busy work, I am finding some solice in being alone. I went out to a movie last night and I have been doing a lot of reflecting. I've been thinking about what has gone wrong in my life, what currently is wrong and how the heck I am going to get out of it and survive it and then what I would like the future to look like for me and my girls. It seems like you have been doing a lot of the same yourself, looking at all the issues you and your son have had with his former fiancee and how fantastic you have been in supporting him. And you are also looking in advance to that day that was supposed to be so special in October. --By the way, I think it is a great idea to make you own plans ahead of time so that you won't be alone on that day.

I wish I had some magical answers to make everything seem better for you. But increasing your meds to the middle dosage again sounds like it will be a good thing for you. Hopefully you won't have to wait to much longer before you feel some positive effects. I know when my meds get upped (and I just upped them 2 days ago) it usually only takes them a few days to make me feel better again. In the meantime, would it be possible to treat yourself to a matinee movie, curl up with a good book or take a drive somewhere just to get out of the house?

I am sorry your feeling depressed but I do think increasing your med was a good idea. I would like to think the med will start to work quickly. When I dropped down on mine it only took a short time for the increase in the med to kick back in and raise my blood levels to an acceptable level to help me feel better. I want to say a week to two weeks and I saw improvement. I hope that works for you too.

I know how you feel about getting established with new friends as I am still looking for new friends but it does take energy and that is usually my problem. That and afraid of failing and feeling more depressed.

I do joke with a friend online that I am going to go out to the airport and ride the shuttle or tram all day and maybe I will make new friends.

I am going to toss out some places to meet new friends and then I may even take my own advice.

Join a health club: solves two problems; you'll become less of a couch potato ( not that you are) and more fit. Think of all the people you will meet.

Take a class, any class: again a two in one tactic; you'll learn something new and make new friends. Conversation is easier if you have something in common.

Join a Book Club: Check this out at your local library. Reading books and sharing them is another great way to get to know people.

Go to every Party you are invited to: even if you don't want to go...go. You never know who you'll meet.

Go to seminars: lots of people go to seminars alone; great place to start a conversation.

I am going to look for seminars especially related to the medical field as I used to enjoy going to seminars. Especially the 2 day ones as I would go and spend the night in the nice hotel, spoil myself and still mingle with people.

I am glad you have your appointment with your therapist as that always helps you.

May I suggest that you do not anticipate Oct 3rd at all. The wedding has been cancelled and therefore the date now has no meaning in your life and will just fade away if you let go of it. Do try to spend you energy on making new plans and setting new dates for other happy events. Don't let the date turn into something bigger then it is.

I am here for you and I wish you peace as always.

Gentle Hugs to you.

Kitt

Kitt, Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/HeartburnAnxiety/Panic, & Depression*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."Not a mental health professional of any kind

Thanks for your help, Frances and Cass. Frances I know you are right in that I will have to push myself if I am going to accomplish something. Right now it feels like an impossible task. Cass, I was alone almost the whole weekend. Fri night I had dinner with a friend and that was nice. Yesterday another friend said she would go to a movie with me and then she cancelled on me. It was raining most of the day and I just didn't have what it takes to go out. Same today. All I have been doing is sitting and watching TV. I can't get myself to do anything else. My son who lives with me will be back tonight so that will help me and my other son will be back at his condo and he said he would call. I think once the week starts and I can talk to my therapist I will hopefully feel better. I went to a depression support group a few times in hopes of getting some support and maybe meeting some friends. I only went about 3 or 4 times because almost all the people in the group were parents of adult children who are bipolar and that did not help me at all. But there is another meeting next week and I am considering going. I am hoping the meds will help also. Sometimes when you are very depressed it is hard to do things. I did get dressed at least in my around the house clothes but I look like the wicked witch of the west. I know I won't be seeing anyone so why put on makeup or do my hair. I hope I can get up the strength to go to my old church and find out what I need to do to become a member again. It is not in the same town where I live. I don't want to be around the snobs that live here. Time just seems to be creeping today. When I get like this I just can't perform as a normal person. All I seem to be able to do is watch TV and cry. In fact I cried when I came back to HW to see that I had 2 replies. It helps to know someone cares.

Awe Aurora,the heat and humidity sure can be hard, so maybe do things in the early morning..I'm glad that you'll be talking to a therapist tomorrow and hope that will help..We all care about you, it's just so hard to come up with replies sometimes, My daughter goes off to College soon and that'll start whole new chapters in her and my life..and it'll be hard, but if I can face this then you will do fine on 3rd of October, we'll get you thru itjust on day at a time, is a start..Lots and lots of soft HUGZ...(((((((((((((((((((((((((Aurora))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))********************************************** * Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc, Fibromyalgia, Gerd, Enlarged Pituitary Gland, Sjogren's and Ocular Migraines

Kitt, Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/HeartburnAnxiety/Panic, & Depression*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."Not a mental health professional of any kind

Kitt,I think Aurora was posting as the same time you were. She probably just didn't see what you wrote. It isn't like her to not even recognize someone who posted to try to help her. I'm sure she will see it later & post to you. :)

Dear Kitt, I am so sorry you thought I wasn't paying attention to your post. I didn't see it until after I answered the other 2. I think your reply was excellent and had many helpful ideas. There are many things that you suggested that I can do to help me and hopefully meet some new people. You have always been so good at getting to the right answers and I in no way was ignoring you or thinking your reply was not helpful. I am going to look into some of the things you suggested especially a class and seminars. I have been very down today and didn't come back on to look at the posts. I have been worrying about my sons getting home from their 4th weekends and I understand the traffic was a nightmare. My oldest is still not home and I worry about him the most because of his epilepsy and the strain of the long drive. Please forgive me if I offended you in any way. I certainly didn't mean to and hope you will accept my apologies. You are a great help and source of comfort to me. I am so,so sorry. If I ever do get invited to a party I will surely go. And to Chartreux, thank you also for your help and support. I know how hard it is to have a child go off to college. It takes some getting used to. I am here to support you when your daughter goes and you need someone to listen to you.

I agree with the advice you’ve been given – what a wonderful group we have here. I know it’s so hard when you’re at home and you can’t bring yourself to go out and try something new. I went through that when I left my husband. I was so uncomfortable speaking with people, mainly because I was really depressed and emotional at that time…..I found myself bursting into tears at any given moment. I was so afraid of being judged. However, I found as I took each step that was needed to get out and do things, it did become easier. Like Frances was saying, I had to force myself. It was a major accomplishment just to say hello to someone at the laundromat or the grocery store, for example, but I made sure to congratulate myself for things like that. I think sometimes we forget to acknowledge all the little things we do that are positive, because we feel so sad and overwhelmed by the negative.

I’m glad you were able to up your meds, and I feel sure that your therapist will help you to feel better, after the wonderful things you’ve said about your relationship with her. I like your ideas about going back to the support group, and to your old church again. I’ve found having things that are regularly scheduled like that to be comforting….it keeps me in a routine, when I might otherwise stop caring what day it is.

When I was at my lowest point, and trying desperately to get out in the world again, I really tried to say ‘hello’ and ‘how are you’ to people in public places wherever I went. I actually made a couple of new friends over the course of time by making small talk with them at their places of business. One of these associations ended up providing me with the part-time job I have now. So…you never know how it might benefit you to do these little things…..if nothing else, it feels good to smile at someone and have them smile back.

You are often in my thoughts, Aurora, and I hope that things will become brighter for you soon. Be kind to yourself, and know that we care about you.

Thank you Raniah for your support. I am at a very low point right now so getting out and doing new things is a bit difficult but I am going to try. Maybe with the help of my therapist I can get some confidence back. I have always been good with people and am always friendly. I just seem to not have much self esteem right now. I do OK at my volunteer job at the Senior Center but everyone knows me so that is easy for me. But I went into that situation cold by forcing myself and it worked out well. I think I will start with the depression support group and see how it goes. Maybe there will be some new members. I am still thinking over the church idea because once you start they always want you to join all the programs and go to services every Sunday and i'm not sure i'm up to that yet. Thank you Raniah for helping me. I will post how things are going.

Thank you for your response and I guess I was just trying to get through the weekend too so coming here and trying to help others was my way of coping. I understand you did not see my post but my sensitivity was running high yesterday. I am sorry about assuming you did not value my opinion.

I shut down the puter last night and went to watch a rerun movie with my husband who promptly fell asleep in his chair.

I like some of my own ideas but when it comes to carrying them out it is difficult as I sit here in a fog unable to make a decision re what to do to get out and be with people. Bedtime comes and I am glad as I can go to sleep and not have to feel down because my life is so boring and so often seems senseless.

I often feel that I am not very effective as a Moderator but I know this "stinKin thinkin" is the depression trying to push through.

I do find when I accept an invitation to go to a social once I get there I have a good time. It is often forcing myself out the door that is my downfall.

I am hoping that once school starts again I will be called upon to substitute for the school nurses as this gives me purpose and pride. It makes me feel good about myself.

I am sure by now your sons are home safe and that both of us can put another holiday behind us and keep moving forward. If you lived closer we could do lunch and then we would each have made a new friend in person. Would you consider moving? LOL

Health & Happiness,Kitt

Kitt, Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/HeartburnAnxiety/Panic, & Depression*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."Not a mental health professional of any kind

Dear Kitt, It was good to hear from you and I am so glad you are not angry with me. Your post had so many good suggestions. I am in a very bad place right now and it is going to take me a while to resolve some of my issues. I am going to see my therapist in a few minutes and hope she can help me deal with this terrible feeling I have inside of me. I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach and I have no appetite which is very unusual for me. Maybe when the higher dose of my a/d med kicks in I will start to feel better. I can usually pinpoint what is bothering me but this time I just don't know what it is. I feel bad and I can't understand what is happening to me. I know I am good at trying to help others find things to do and make their lives better but when it comes to me I just seem to fail. I think abuse as a child is still with me and keeping me from becoming a stronger person. Iwish too I lived closer as it would be so great to have a wonderful friend like you to really do things with. Will update with any news.

I will be waiting to hear how your appointment went and please know you will find the answer or at least how to deal with the feelings.

I know how hard it is to feel alone even when you are surrounded by people and you try so hard to understand why you cannot feel happiness. I do try to stay in the moment but there are times when being in the moment is painful too.

So we keep moving forward dear Aurora and we will come out ok but right now you are in pain and that makes me feel sad too.

Here we are two people looking for a good friend and yet we are so far away.

You have my support and caring always even when my brain is in malfunction mode........

Dear Kitt and HW friends, I did see my therapist today and we did go over a lot of things. I am still not feeling very good but she did give me some advice and suggestions. First of all she is glad my Pdoc upped my med but that is going to take a bit before I can feel the effects. We have determined that the one big thing that is making me so down is getting dragged into a discussion with my son about his former fiance. Although he asked her not to contact him anymore she doesn't seem to be able to help herself. She has many serious emotional problems and her move to DC where she knows no one is making her very sad. She has left him voice mail messages and emailed him. He tells me about them as he wants to discuss it as he feels it helps him in getting over her. And he is improving quite a bit. She left him 4 voice mail messages over the weekend which he said were so sad and weeping. She drove back to IL this past weekend to leave her car with her parents and they told her on the way to home to stop by and pick up her wedding gown as it was ready. She was also unpacking boxes of things that she had left at my son's condo. When he told me the bit about the dress I just cried. How could her parents be so cruel to make her get the dress she will not be wearing. I think her parents are very angry with her and not giving her any support right now. They are in the process of moving to Colorado so they will now be very far from her. I think she was hoping for some support from my son but he has made up his mind that he cannot ever contact her again or it will hamper his recovery. I told him not to listen to these messages and delete the emails but he said he can't. I also told him he should get a new email address and new phone # but he says it would be difficult because of all the friends he has who have his numbers. I am hurting terribly for her as I understand the true dispair of lonliness. But I think hearing all this is what is making me so depressed. I want to support him and help him but I think I am going to have to tell him I am having a hard time with this and that he really needs to talk this over with his therapist. Is there a nice and comforting way I can tell him without offending him or having him think I am not there for him? I am so caught in the crossfire. I love him dearly but I think this is too much for me to take now. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanking you in advance.

I’m so glad you saw your therapist today. It sounds like you made some headway as far as pinpointing some things that are upsetting you. That’s really good….at least you know where to put your focus, and you can start making some steps as you are able.

I was really taken aback by the insensitivity of the ex’s parents. No matter what the reasons, a cancelled wedding is a devastating thing, and to think that her parents would add salt to the wound like this……well, I am stunned.

I can understand why your son is finding it difficult to avoid/erase messages from his ex, because he is a caring person like you are, and he probably hates to see anyone in pain, no matter what has happened in the past. I think that is a wonderful quality in a person, and I believe you have set a strong example of compassion as a mother. That being said, I also understand your concerns about this lingering on. I guess it will be up to him to decide when and how to cut the ties completely.

In the meantime, you are very wise to consider talking to him about leaving you out of it, at least for the time being. Seeing what a caring person he is, I know he would want to know your feelings about this, and I feel sure that he will recognize your need to step back from that issue for a while. I had a very close relationship with my mother, and I truly felt honoured when she was able to tell me honestly when she needed to ‘take a break’ from certain situations about which I was consulting her. That kind of honesty and forthrightness in an adult parent/child relationship brings a new level of support and intimacy, IMO. So….I would encourage you to talk with him about how this is affecting you. He obviously loves you very much, and I’m sure he would want to know.

Aurora,I think Raniah gave you a good suggestion. My own mom just stopped answering the phone -- which, btw, I wouldn't really recommend.

When my depression was at its worst, I've had some people, including relatives, tell me honestly how they were feeling & ask if I had any ideas. Usually I would swing way the other direction & say that I wouldn't call them ever again. Then they would follow up by saying that they really did want to talk to me, but that they had so many problems in their own lives & were trying to fight negative thoughts themselves so could we maybe plan on talking once a week (or once a month or however often they were comfortable with), but that if I were ever really, really in a bad place & couldn't get a hold of my counselor that I could call them. It seemed to work out pretty well.

Hope that gives you some ideas. I'm sure you will find a way to be sensitive about it. Your son seems like he is a strong young man. I imagine it must be really hard to draw protective boundaries between you & someone you love so dearly, but just keep reminding yourself that both you & your son will benefit greatly by you putting a little bit of space between the two of you. It may be a bit painful at first, but it really is for the best. Just like you wouldn't let your child put his hand on a hot stove no matter how much he protested & insisted you were not being loving. It is the best thing for him not to get burned. It is the same with him being able to survive short periods on his own. He will build strength & resiliency and in the end will be better off for it.