Tuesday, September 04, 2007

On Saturday afternoon, I spent the day sprawled across our sofa, reading, languishing in the last few precious hours of My Summer Vacation. I had The House all to myself because Totally Awesome Boyfriend told me he had some Important Things To Do, like Errands and Stuff. So, I put The Alone Time to Good Use and finished up, “Middlesex.” This, by the way, was The Fourth Book I have read in Three Weeks, and it was Very Good. It has been A Very Relaxing August.

Around Four O’Clock, Totally Awesome Boyfriend returned home. He came through the door Out Of Breath, Excited, Nervous. “The Daily Randi, I brought Something home!” he informed me. “And I think you are going to LOVE it!” Then, he ran back outside.

I sat up from my cozy sofa seat and watched him though the front window. “He brought Something home? Something I am going to LOVE?” I thought. “Wow! What could it Be!!??” Quickly, my head filled with All The Things That Totally Awesome Boyfriend could bring home that I would LOVE: A New Duvet Cover? A Giant Television? Chocolate? A RING?????!!! Standing up, I found my flip-flops, slipped them on, and ventured outside.

Totally Awesome Boyfriend had pulled his car in front of our house, illegally parking it behind my car. I observed him opening the rear door and gingerly reaching in to pick up Something. He was being So Careful, and I could see that Whatever This Something I Will LOVE was, it was Heavy. Very Big. And perhaps Delicate!

Before The Something I Would LOVE came into view, I realized: “Ohmygod!!! He brought home A PUPPY!!!” Well, we had talked about Getting A Dog around the end of the summer. I assumed we would Pick It Out Together, but Totally Awesome Boyfriend must have driven by and Saw The Dog and Just Couldn’t Resist and decided he would Surprise Me because he figured, of course, Whatever He Brought Home, I would LOVE. Yes!! It had to be A PUPPY!!! I LOVE PUPPIES!!!! I rushed over to His Car to see How Cute Our New Doggie was when I heard him say, “Watch Out!” I stopped. And then I saw him lift up…..

A GIANT TREE STUMP.

“Do you LOVE it? I thought we could put it out on The Side Patio. I could sit on it and drink my coffee in the morning.” He dropped THE GIANT TREE STUMP to the ground. My Jaw dropped there, too.

“It’s Awesome, isn’t it, The Daily Randi?!”

A GIANT TREE STUMP.

“I saw it on the side of the road and I thought it would be Perfect!”

“You want to put A GIANT TREE STUMP on our patio?”

“You don’t like it?”

“You thought I would LOVE A GIANT TREE STUMP???”

“It’s Rustic!” he answered.

“It’s UGLY!” I replied. “I thought you got me A Dog!!”

Totally Awesome Boyfriend looked at me for a second and then cocked his head. “Oh.” he whispered. And then: “Well, we could Name The Stump if you want! We could call it ‘Stumpy’!”

I shot him The Evil Girlfriend Eye. The Evil Girlfriend Eye, of course, made him Immediately place The GIANT TREE STUMP back in his car and drive it away to The Nearest Dumpster, never to be Spoken About and hopefully Seen Ever Again. But not until after I took A Picture, just in case I needed to Remind Him that We Don’t Want GIANT TREE STUMPS on our patio. We want FURNITURE.

But before I snapped my camera, Totally Awesome Boyfriend patted the log and solemnly said, “Good, Stump. You were A Very Good Stump.”

And he is A Very Good Boyfriend, too. Well, you know, except for The Whole GIANT TREE STUMP Thing. But then, at least, he is A Very Amusing Boyfriend, as well.

Eh, I would have let him keep the stump, as long as he didn't then feel the need to furnish the patio entirely in in Stump Style. One stump isn't fatal. I believe a Sponge Bob episode features Bob's friendship w/a stump.