In a few weeks Belgium's biggest open-air metal festivals takes place - and you'll fucking know it! Graspop Metal Meeting has become a yearly tradition of three days of sweet metal madness on four different stages. Harboring over 75 bands and as much as 100.000 sweaty, stinking, inebriated metalheads, the festival celebrates its 15th anniversary this year.

Since the line-up of this year's edition is as safe as safe festival line-ups come (for fudge cake, even the Wacken line-up looks like an adventurous jungle trip next to this), I figure you guys can use some advice to get the most bang for the buck. So, this fine piece of literature serves as a festival guide - a metal helpline if you want - to survive the fest and enjoy it to the fullest.

The article addresses 666 reasons to come down to Graspop. For each festival day we'll discuss the 6 bands that, at least in my eyes, serve best as a must-see recommendation.

Of course there's one band on the festival that stands above the rest with head and shoulders. Most people around here are already vivid fans, I'm sure. They just haven't come out of the closet yet. I'm talking Bullet For My Valentine of course - Metal Storm's all time favorite band by a long shot (sorry Trivium, but you're a nice second). Seriously, Bullet For My Valentine (Day 2 - 15:05-15:55 Main Stage) will get you laid - guaranteed.

So when you scratched that off your list, let's talk real music. Here are the remaining 666 solid band suggestions anyone should go see on Graspop Metal Meeting 2010.

The Belgian metal scene may be relatively small, but it sure is bursting with emerging talented metal acts, like Oceans Of Sadness for example. Oceans of Sadness are in fact a pretty solid progressive/avant-garde band - and I can tell, have seen them live before. So when I heard they were opening this year's Graspop Metal Meeting, I just had to be there.

I seriously have no idea what this band is capable of live (wanted to see them on their latest European tour with Paradise Lost (Day 2 - 20:00-21:00 Marquee 1), but since I'm done spending money on seeing said band butchering their own heritage, I wisely cancelled that trip).

But if Ghost Brigade are anywhere near as good as they sound on their records, you have a sure winner right here. And if you want to prove me wrong (highly unlikely though), go see them anyway, and report back to claim your right (and receive a free cookie).

Did you know that when this guy, who was nicknamed "The Duff", saw Deicide live for the first time, he quoted: "Ow yeah!" Some other guy named Matthew Groening - who was also at this gig - copied that phrase, used it for one of his obscure TV shows, and it's been a thing ever since. True story.

And did you know that only pansies and total tools don't like The Stench Of Redemption? A fact proven by scientists. Another fact is that Deicide will blow the roof off that tent.

Time to eat that stout heavy metal heart out. Don't know much about this band, but I do know a lot of relevant people have been raving over Ratt's new album Infestation. So yeah, I'm willing to give them a fair shot. Bring it on and let's see what all the fuss is about.

A clash between Slayer and Devin Townsend (Metal Dome)? In the middle of the freaking afternoon? Who comes up with this kind of absurd time schedules? People were burnt on the stake for less in the Middle Ages, y'know.

Well, this is just too damn bad for Hevy Devy, but hey, it's S-L-A-Y-E-R. You know what to do.

Ahh, Therion. If there's one band that is able to break your jaw into seven pieces, it ought to be Therion - at least that's what I want to believe.

While I'll be hurling my last minutes on my deathbed, here are a few things I'll be thinking about: the first time I beat up a guy (I mean, one never forgets the first time... he sees a dead body), and of course that time I saw Therion live on GMM 2010. So... make it happen guys!

[If you must know, I already had the utmost pleasure of seeing Sepultura (18:35-19:25 Metal Dome), Motörhead (20:40-21:55 Main Stage) and My Dying Bride (22:00-23:10 Marquee 1) in concert once before - and that one time will suffice, thankyouverymuch. And I do not care one iota about Nile (20:45-21:35 Metal Dome), Saxon (22:00-23:10 Marquee 2) or Aerosmith (23:15-00:45 Main Stage)... So camping after-party it is.]

Jesus flipping Christ, Graspop is in serious lack of big, powerful killers on this anniversary edition, don't you think?

Another Belgian band with potential, Spoil Engine plays a hazardous mix of thrash metal and infectious metalcore. A surprisingly loud and tight combination, and an excellent way to get the day rolling. Consider it a candy treat for the more open-minded few.

Here's your quick fix of Prozac to get you going for the remainder of Day 2: Hail of fucking Bullets. A band that is able to make most nipples so hard they have cut all the glass in the Staff realms of Metal Storm Towers. A band whose releases are more addictive than heroin - you'd punch your mother in the face for another listen. So yeah, there's no way I'm going to miss this death metal party. Front row, no doubt.

In case you just found out about this crazy little thing called the internet, Mastodon are totally hot! You got your real reason for global warming right here.

Missed out on this band several times before (I know... I'm a disgrace), though I will give you a 100% guarantee this band will kick some metalized ass on that stage. Can you live with yourself missing that?

EDIT: Ah well, in the meantime Mastodon cancelled all scheduled summer live dates. There's only one appropriate reaction to this news: FUCK!EDIT: Mastodon got replaced by the mighty Carcass. Good news.

(I know I should advise you to go see Obituary next (17:50-18:40 Marquee 1), but the both of us know that by this time you fell asleep/passed out on the grass. There's always one band you sleep right through; we've all been there.)

Sick Of It All

Here's another band that will undoubtedly set your little vagina on fire. I'll let you in on a little secret: Sick Of It All are an insane live band. The absolute highlight of such a Sick Of It All show is the mosh pit (well duh). Bigger than Dave Mustaine's ego, and cozier than a My Little Pony tea party hosted by musical superstar Gaahl, the mosh pit is undoubtedly the place to be... Excellent location for a Metal Storm meeting too.

Probably the greatest thrash band to ever walked the Belgian landslides is Channel Zero (sorry After All, but you're a nice second). The guys disbanded thirteen years ago, but fortunately they kissed, made up and are touring back together under the Channel Zero moniker for a select number of reunion concerts.

So unless I'm suffering from a severe festival-food-induced crisis of inflammatory bowel disease in one of those raunchy mobile toilets with no toilet paper, there's no chance I'll be missing this little piece of Belgian metal history.

It's black metal boner-time! In order to keep your cool/kvlt factor at ten, seeing Immortal on this festival must be priority numero uno. You just know Immortal will raise the roof with their real life black metal mayhem. So yeah, the mandatory stuff.

If you happen to be one of those idiots people denying the grandeur of Between The Buried And Me, I don't think you'll like their live show either. Ah well, your loss. Pretty sure this jizztastic band will wipe the floor with at least 3/5 of the main stage acts. A-fucking-men to that!

If your world revolves around thrash, thrash and blue M&M's (like mine), missing out on Exodus is pretty much non-negotiable. You just know these long-running Bay Area veterans will tear the place up with high voltage thrash. Stretching them good ol' neck muscles is a mandatory requirement though.

Everyone report back to the mosh pit. We have another certified ass-kicker right here. If you're a fan of ice cold death metal that will get your blood pumping (and who isn't?), Bloodbath is something for you. In terms of sheer badass-ery, this is another "no excuses, no bullshit, just be there" moment.

Is there a better way to end a metal festival than with a huge folk metal party (if so, I don't want to know). It's like they say in most countries: missing out on a Finntroll concert is like masturbating; it may seem like a good idea at the beginning, but you ended up fucking yourself.

So just for the sake of partying will I drag my sorry drunk ass to half an hour of these two concerts - because that's about all I can take, drunk or not.

Confession time: I love (LOVE!) old Amon Amarth. I mean, at one point they were easily among my top 5 all-time favorite bands out of the 11 bands I knew back then. I even tried shaving the band's name into my pubic hair...

But that didn't work out too well, and I gradually lost interest in this band as they went down the mainstream drain. Tonight I can once and for all deal with the feeling of regret I never saw these synchronized windmill headbanging buffoons live before, and move on with the rest of my life.

Plus, there's really nothing better to do at this point of time (at the same moment Devildriver will rock out at Marquee 2 in front of nine people, a passed out drunk and a lost hobo). Even picking dinner (burgers or Vietnamese spring roles?) was a harder choice.

So it seems Kiss (23:00-24:30 Main Stage) will be headlining this year's GMM? Fuck yes! That's terrific news! You can leave early. Beat traffic to the camping site. And be right in time for one colossal after-party (preferably with those BFMW chicks you hooked up with) = Win.

Hope you enjoyed this chance to benefit from my wisdom and guidance. And if this article didn't convince you to go to Graspop Metal Meeting this year... well, there's always the Belgian beer *wink*

So be sure to wear a Metal Storm t-shirt if you have one. If not, you can always make one yourself (the best self-made Metal Storm t-shirt gets a free Bullet For My Valentine CD autographed by yours truly). Or, y'know, you can just tattoo/carve the Metal Storm logo on your forehead/back/dick. Either way, we'll find you.

Awesome article Thryce. Ok, I laughed outloud at this part: "If you happen to be one of those idiots people"

Hahahaha. Awesomeness.

Yeah I so wish I was going. Grasspop continues to be one of my favourite line up year after year of all the summer festivals. This year I'd go for no other reason than the Korpiklaani/Finntroll show (and of course ReVamp, Eluveitie, Tarja, Evergrey, Therion, Saxon, and OF COURSE Immortal, for kvltness cred )