Writer of the Year got off to a splendid start when Aleister in Chains nominated Funnybony and SPIKE for the award by writing brief but poignant marriage proposals to both of them. Thank goodness for Aleister, if not for him the wider world might have assumed we weren't all massive girls. Since then Thekillerfroggy nominated Xamralco, who was not able to express his appreciation due to a serious case of not editing the wiki any longer.

As always what should be a rigorous heterosexual competition involving manly pursuits like backstabbing, lies, blackmail and threats is being irretrievably compromised by people like Aleister and Shabidoo; people whose sole purpose on the awards pages is to make everybody else feel bad about not noticing other people. Uncyclopedian of the Year is being lead by Romartus, Uncyclopedia's voting-in-chief. Shockingly, he was also nominated by Aleister who, as it turns out, is gayer than Christmas, apparently Romartus makes him "Proud to be an uncyclopedian", he makes "Legendary votes on VFH" and gives "Legendary hand relief".

Potatochopper of the Year is a more subdued and manly affair, where absolutely nobody has been nominated at all... it's like reviewer of the month were moved to a different page name. Hopefully Aleister or Shabidoo will nominate someone soon, we here at the UnSignpost have gone to the trouble of writing the nomination for them: "<insert name here> has made many fantastic images, at least two of which I have made love to on at least nineteen occasions. My genitals ache for them every single evening and someday they will make my dreams come true and love me! Also Olipro sucks balls."

Once again you all stand before us, another year of failure behind you and another year of subjugation ahead of you. The non-existent Cabal would like to wish you all a happy New Year. All workers users are reminded that failure to celebrate the new year with adequate happiness and joy is punishable by enforced time labouring in the non-existent Lime Quarries followed by the immediate cessation of chocolate rations for the remainder of this work quarter.

Once again you have failed us, utterly and completely. Last year we advised you all that resistance was utterly unnecessary and, if anything, we have had to tolerate 0.22% more resistance, we have heard you discuss and then decide to leave our kind benefactors, whilst promoting several of your own number to within the cabal in an effort to encourage dissent and democracy within our ranks. We saw you continue to tinker with that which does not concern you whilst simultaneously complaining when people are warned about the indecent images you propagate amongst your number. It seems prudent to remind you that if we delete every single template, every single image and every single forum your freedom will only increase. It is not what some of you have foolishly referred to as "overly deletionist", it is streamlining and it is good for all of you.

It is with vague optimism that we note that you continue to strive at a barely satisfactory level, you have certainly earned a small fraction of the baubles and trinkets that have been handed out over the past year. It has not escaped our notice that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2012 only closed on time this year due to Thekillerfroggy skipping sixty of the reflections, we are gratified to note that Roman Dog Bird had practically no input on the list and very few of them regard uncontrolled outbreaks of creativity and morale, such dangerous forces must be carefully rationed and controlled.

Cutting of corners and a blatant disregard for regulations do not amuse the Cabal.

Now we must inexorably turn our attentions to 2013 and the promise it brings. All users should note that due to several security compromises over the last few months movement throughout the Uncyclopedia complex has been restricted during the hours of darkness. Where major editing is to take place you must ensure that you have faxed the appropriate forms to your divisional liaison officer prior to commencing work, failure to do so will result in an unacceptable breakdown in bureaucracy.

Uncyclopedia must prevail, editors must remember that without patient mind numbing work and servitude we can never accomplish our ultimate goal of... well, that need not concern you.

03:48, May 2, 2012 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes ‎ (Hahaha you're not an admin so I can do this and get away with it! Hahaha! (hahahhaha))

16:11, December 19, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Necessary research into the reasons for no funny bans having happened last week. Do not be alarmed, we are trained professionals, and also very aroused.)

01:29, December 26, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 33 seconds ‎ (Telling me how to be an administrator)

Biopic of the Week
When we carried our knuckle-dusters and brick-filled socks to the talk page of new user Equilateralperil this past week to interview him, we were amused and perplexed to see him employ the classic defensive stance of a painfully shy, abused opossum. Rolling into the fetal position on the ground with his buttocks in the air, he began to reveal embarrassing personal details in a shrill voice, shouting "Have a field day, you scamps! Yes, mock me harder!", apparently hoping that we would walk away in disgust. However, to assume that reverse psychology would work on Uncyclopedians is to give them credit for having something that they don't, namely, a psychology. Some of the details which he will now regret ever having shared:

Equilateral (that's what we call him for short, when we don't call him Bitch) is a 17-year-old schoolboy living in Victoria in Australia, is at the "top of his class" in multiple subjects, and is on his school's debate team.

As he is on his school's rock band, jazz band, and "show" band, we are forced to assume that his school, like the one from Glee, is filled to the brim with people wearing matching plaid shirts, bow ties, white vests, and straw skimmers, who are all horrifyingly perky and prone to breaking into song (or dance) for no apparent reason—especially when the occasion does not require it.

He claims to have had one girlfriend, who was Japanese and broke his heart. He refused to supply nude pictures of her, so we are forced to conclude that she is imaginary.

For Christmas, he claims he received a "charcoal Italian moleskin jacket", which he is apparently wearing at this moment, over his Casper-the-Ghost™ footie pajamas.

So there you have it! From our experience, Equilateralperil is most likely his school's Designated Punching Nerd, and spends most of his spare time pulling his poodle-haired head from toilets, when he isn't writing excellent articles for Uncyclopedia. While he's on holiday in Perth or Canberra or someplace, do give them a read.

We got six members, six watchers, and pageviews in double sixes. You know what this means? The Number of the Beast. Our group needs to be promoted more. I mean, we need an ad that shouts "Uncyclopedia!" |Si PlebiusDato'Joeang KyuremCUN|ICKill| 04:24, 11 January 2013 (UTC)

If you haven't heard, we recently moved and split from those meanies at Wikia. If you haven't heard, you're 1) either oblivious or 2) new to this site. Because... you are on the site now. But don't get me wrong, we are sooooo better than the fools who stayed. AY! Speaking of fools at the old, less stylish Uncyclopedia site, (maybe I'll regret saying this in the future) SPIKE made a bet with a few other users that the new site would be out and down by the end of the week. Being Saturday the 12th. We will all stay up Friday night and count down until that naughty dog is proven wrong. However if we do fail, which we won't, SPIKE will become known as a psychic throughout the globe. We aren't going to let this happen, are we? If you haven't gotten the hint... the answer is a big N and a big O! NO! Plus, SPIKE, according to TKF has a very bad betting history. Send him to Vegas, lord, please! Make him bankrupt or something, please?

Also, some examples of the users that decided to migrate to this site (all the cool users do this) are for one, myself, Zombiebaron, RAHB, Simmy, Lyrithya, Aleister who received a name change, and TKF, who received a name change. Not to forget that one guy, Sir Frosty, who has been recently reverted all of our pornos, for our self enjoyment. The majority of his reverts of the Wikia censorship thingy-ma-bobber pics involved boobies. Nice work, Frosty. Round of applause everybody!

On the other hand, all the cool cats are doing it, so go add yourself to this list and tell us about how you stumbled upon calling yourself what you are known as here. Better be good, or we're coming to get ya! We're gonna suck out your insides using your intestines as a bendy straw, YUM! An example includes Zombiebaron, who got his name from stealing it from a video game. Another example is Strange but untrue, who took the name from her first (probably porn) website. Some lame examples include David Gerard's and Splaka's, who became known as that because of a typo. I myself, am a typo of my parents, who misspelled condom worked and here I am. Splaka failed to tell us more about the typo and what word was suppose to be the username. Shame, shame, shame!

And one last thing, Ly is demanded the reporting of any and all (EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF 'EM, OR ELSE) bugs/crashes/malfunctions/apocalypses the site gives you. They should be reported here, or else we'll kill help you.

That is it for now, I am Sir Peasewhizz, you are some random reader in which I may not know, this article is over, except for this line: I need some soup.

18:12, January 5, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked MoneySign (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (Not supporting my vote, also hasn't been banned in 2 and a half years, you call yourself an admin???)

Biopic of the Week
Sorry, due to recent tasks that are far more important, there is no Biopic of the Week. If you need medical help, wait... what?

Newsroom UnTune of the week
Sorry, due to recent tasks that are far more important, there is no Newsroom UnTune of the Week. Please go listen to your favorite band. It is highly recommended by 8 out of 4 doctors. Which means 2 doctors recommend it.

No, we do not mean users with ages soaring into the atmosphere. Well, I hope so. Because 80 year old users would be weird, just saying.

However, users who had currently quit the Wikia back up to years ago have now returned, and maybe all will return. Why did they leave? Protest mainly, or traveling the world. The world is big, however, so that could explain things.

Recently, I have raised a master debate on HGA's (who desires to be called HGA instead of his actual username, so don't call him Aimsplode by his actual username ever! You can read about the reasons here, where he also made a speech that made many children cry in appreciation of its beauty. If I may quote the great Aimsp-er, HGA himself:

“

I love the swastika. I find it bold, and very rigid, just as Hitler intended (usually, only the Nazi-stylized version, such as this). It's almost mesmerizing how beautiful such an object can be. That is why I use it as my person identification symbol. I want to be associated with this figure. If I didn't, then hell, I wouldn't be using it.

Another reason is my facination with the NaziParty, and Hitler: the order, regimented society, propaganda. He was a fucking genius, Hitler. He wrote all his own speeches, made his own tours, just to keep the public in a trance. He had human psychology to an art. He new how to run his country perfectly. His only blunder was attacking the Russians, which was caused by his lust for world domination too quickly. If he had kept pounding the British, and had a little more patience, surely he would have won. This lifestyle, rise and fall, rage and grace, interests me to no end. I love spending time picking apart the various aspects of Nazi society, and Hitler's life. A few of my views fall in line with Hitler's, but nothing substantial. I would not be massacring people, of course: that only make conflict. And in this day in age, it is impossible to pull off such a feat as him in such secrecy.

”

So there ya have it, folks: HGA ≠ Nazi. However, he does think Hitler was a good person. He dicked with some admins and now he's infibanned. Hmmm...

So hopefully, Kip's influence off my original forum will die down and stop influencing others. Like Joey's instinct to respond, as seen here: Joey Number's sig.

However, DO NOT confuse these mock threads with this response seen here, as Socky has a very good point. Go vote now!

Biopic of the Week
This week, when we spoke to Sir Peasewhizz via teleconference from his executive jetliner as he was cruising 45,000 feet above the Bay of Bengal, he appeared to be lounging on a settee constructed entirely from nude women and the pelts of animals which he'd personally made extinct. It made us wonder if he was compensating for something, such as the fact that he's 14 years old, or that he has no girlfriend, or that, as a girlfriendless 14-year-old, his extracurricular activities likely consist of taking potshots at the family cat with ropy streams of jizz. (Just guessing, of course. The alcohol and STDs killed our recollection of our teenage years.)

Sir Whizz, who joined the wiki last year as Kamek98, got acquainted with the other fresh talent, nominated a few articles on VFH, and wrote a couple of articles himself before promptly being bollocksed by SPIKE, whose helpfulness towards newbies knows no bounds. And by "knows no bounds", we mean "doesn't exist." In spite of this, Sir Whizz stuck with Uncyc like gum on a brand-new shoe, and is currently doing his best impression of a puppy, sticking his nose into everything, leaving puddles of drool everywhere, and actually running off with the UnSignpost, which we would be grateful for, if we weren't too busy shaking our fists at him for having initiative.

Sir Whizz informed us rather ostentatiously that he is unable to make a major monetary donation to the New Uncyclopedia because, as he put it, "I just bought a new electric guitar." He went on to show us the guitar, a one-off Gibson Flying-V with ebony inlays, a solid-platinum humbucker, and the autographs of Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton, and Jimi Hendrix done in gold-leaf along the neck. It's good to see that Sir Whizz has his priorities in order—"Axes before taxes", we always say, and as this quip immobilized long-time IRC lurker RAHB with an uncontrollable fit of giggle-spasms, we believe it is quite excellent, and intend to repeat it at every available opportunity until Judgement Day.

Nobody could have expected the return of the spam. I'm just kidding. Everyone knew it was going to happen. Recently, Ly has made it so editing is more open to those who aren't "users" and with that, came the inevitable spam. Probably the first major bit of spam came from a user who was putting a troll face in 400px on many pages (including category pages). I alerted Lyrithya on IRC and she blocked the user with a time of infinite. I had already put the user on Ban Patrol. Yes, Ban Patrol. We need to kick it into gear now. Like it once was. We want more of it.

The everyday troll causing harm to the defenseless like me and you.

So please, get your spam spray ready, the Ban Patrol ready to penetrate, and your anti-spam mind in motion. That is an order!

Well, ladies and gentlemen... It has begun. For those of you who don't know, (you should all know, it has been a few weeks) the great internet humor wiki known across the world as Uncyclopedia has officially split, since January 5th to be precise. While there are those who remain loyal to the original (now completely Wikia-owned) Uncyc, others have left and formulated a site of their own, "Free Uncyclopedia," if you will. Every Saturday, starting this week, I will give an update at Uncyc Cold War on the current situation, sharing details with the populaces of both sites on any updates pertaining to the current split. Post on that page's talk page if you wish to give your input as a Wikia Uncycer or a Free Uncycer.

Some of you may wish to know how this started... It all goes back a very long time ago, when a man named Chronarion sold the original Uncyclopedia (uncyclopedia.org) to Wikia for beer and hookers, the company originally created by Jimbo Wales as a hub of wikis for various specific subjects. Over the years, Wikia did many things to Uncyclopedia, including domain name updates, restrictions on hardline levels of satire, and most notable of all, the censoring of all unclad racks on the entire site. The final spark was (according to Frosty, one of the Free Uncyc leaders (Sannse we're ratting you out), a heavy demand over adding a North America-only suicide prevention hotline to the suicide page. Regardless of the circumstances, members were tired of Wikia, and as such left the site to formulate their own variant. Frosty would then go on a rage to revert all booby pictures and give us nudes once again.

If you touch the red zones in just the right way... it will cause an explosion.

A primary difficulty for years was the fact that there was no original domain name that a new Uncyclopedia could be built on. Uncyclopedia.org was in Wikia's hands, after all. Incapable of simply leaving, a domain name ([en.uncyclopedia.co]) was eventually found, and the move was made by the majority of writers and the like. The inevitable struggle between these two wikis will prove to be most interesting to watch as it plays out.

Until next week, keep on trucking!

UnVoyage - journey around the world without leaving your seat, the ultimate travel experience for lazy people!

Uncyclopedian Yrtneg has created a new project - UnVoyage. It's a parody of Wikivoyage. It's a fake travel guide with pages like "Space", "Hell", and etc. Now of course, we're all going to forget about it before six months, but who cares. Go ahead and add some pages! Bitch. Right now there's nothing but who cares. Uncyclopedian Carlb suggested making pages like "Titanic" and "the moon". The main page is at UnVoyage and it's pretty fucked up. Go check it out!

Select User of the Week
The select user of the week for this edition of USP is RAHB, because he was the only one who would pay attention to VFH. Be ashamed all you neglecting other admins! Just kidding, the VFH is dead. So go vote.

We asked him what his favorite thing to do was... he replied doggystyle or the Reverse Manatee. We asked him what he was doing to help the site. He replied; "Continuing to manage our social media presence, reforming project layouts to adhere to Wikimedia's formatting, and managing our e-store and donations. Also acting as our PR contact but the press isn't interested."

When we asked him if he does all these while performing the cowgirl over the top squeezedown twister-ma-jigger down-town position. He said yes, on occasional basis. He also says, "Occasionally it can get tedious so I sometimes must defer such responsibilities to a third party."

Then we asked him if he was aware the term rape can also be called a struggle snuggle. He said "Yes, and I think it's a shame that liberal political correctness has infiltrated almost every inch of our culture."

Then we asked him what he thought of Obama snaggin' our guns. He replied, "He'll get my guns when he snatches them from my cold, dead fingers, which I only have 7 of because of a loose firing pin on my Glock. Ehh, make that 6.5 actually."

Nice.

Then we asked him, "for the bright young users who migrated here and are very active, where do you see them going on this site? Any advice? Any tips? What they should do to become a better user? etc."

His advice was heart-touching. "I haven't been looking at our new users, but I encourage them to keep editing and refer their friends to do the same. We hope to have cash prize contests again so I encourage them to stick around for that and other exciting things to come. One tip I could recommend is to not be a dick. Most users are very likable once you talk to them through another medium such as IRC or Skype, so don't take the editing or wiki politics personally. And they can just read all of my articles instead of the HTBFANJS. My articles are a guide and inspiration for humor."

January is over, and to sum things up; the Real Uncyclopedia is doing well. Along with the move, we had multiple features, new users, successful donations, the opping of Bizzeebeever, the new ability to check users, the return of TheLedBalloon and Dawg, etc., a new Uncyclo-project called UnVoyage, new gadgets, name changes, a new poopsmith, more boobies, and even edits from a V6 IP address! Last but not least, the USP is getting done. With contributions from ZB!

Recently, a new addition has been made to Uncyclopedia's Social Media Team. None other than the one, the only, the fabulous Sir Peasewhizz! Sir Peasewhizz has already updated the only Twitter you should care about, found here. He has also been made part of the staff for the official Uncyclopedia Facebook, found here. And if you're not following these precious and incredible feeds, then shame! Make time!!!!!...please? Thank you. Thank you.

Select User of the Week
The select user of the week for this edition of USP is Zombiebaron for carrying out the VFD orders. Or should we say, he ate them?! No? No?

Everybody's mom is SO GHEY. Giving birth is the most homosexual thing anyone can do.

I was going through my boyfriend's text messages and found that he had told his ex that she was a "sexy fox" that "anybody would be lucky to have" and he still expects me to sleep next to him tonight and I don't know how to feel. What do I do? (asked by ColinAYB @ 19:30, Sunday 27 January 2013)

First off, stop reading your boyfriend's text messages. Those are private. But here's what you should do: use his phone to text that slut all kinds of sexy stuff. Then meet up with her and have some amazing lesbian sex. Then just break up with your boyfriend and move in with her. That'll teach him!

where do I keep my keys hidden? (asked by Madclaw @ 22:11, 27 January 2013)

Biopic of the Week
This week we spoke with the new, the mega, the Meganew! Done via IRC, we spoke with him. He had some nifty things to say for us this week during his interview!

When we spoke with Meganew, he said his intentions to for Uncyclopedia was to fuck it up keep the control stabilized whilst putting his leadership to keep Uncyclopedia as one of the top sites located on the internet! His favorite part of this plan is that he is going to use his leadership ability. He said this will be done as a result of an obvious supporting from the member-base in his political movements.

Meganew is eager to show you the Uncyclopedia Civil War thing he is doing too.

His last input was on what he thought of the first month of the Real Uncyclopedia's running. He said he thought it was rather interesting, and he is very ecstatic to see where where the new site goes over the next few years!

So there you have it folks! Give a good old round of applause for the talented Meganew!

Aye! Yes, it is true. January is now over. So we're into to February 2013, where the second month of the new site is bound to be kickin'! Am I right or am I right? Well, here's some news that you can get excited for. With the conclusion of January 2013, we have the 2012 Year Award winners implanted into the sexy body of Uncyclopedia History and boy do we have some happy users out there! After a close competition in each category, (which wasn't rigged at all!) behold the users whom gained more "jazzy-ness" from the conclusion of the voting!

A trophy for winners!

First off, the Writer of the Year is none other than the killer... the froggy... TKF! TKF won Writer of the Year 2012 with 8 for votes and a baby-slapping 15.5 features tallied for the year twenty-twelve. Coming in second place was Funnybony with 5 votes and 14 features in 2012! Xamralco came in third with 3 votes for and most of his 2012 features being Top features of the month!

Second off we have Uncyclopedian of the Year. The winners of UOTY 2012 is a tie between the recently opped in January '13 and quite picture-n-tech master; Bizzeebeever. Who did he tied with? Oh, just the newly opped in September of 2012; the young Australian divinity Frosty! Both had 9 for votes! Coming in 3rd place was Romartus, an admin who chose to stay with the old site, who received a pretty good 6 votes for. Good competition boys!

Third off is Potatochopper of the Year (AKA Radical-X of the Year). Who is this winner? Going for the double crown after winning the Uncyclopedian of the Year along with Frosty, is Bizzeebeever! Great pictures man! Great pictures! Not only did he win by an impression-pushing 8 votes in his favor, but he was so good he scared away competition! He was the only nominee and obviously nobody else was nominated because everyone knows that BB would crush his competition. We're not kidding...

Another trophy for the winners!

May the fourth be Gobshite of Ultimate in 2012. Being the only two gobshites nominated, the two tied and were written down in shame Uncyclopedian history. Who were these fine young users? Only your very own Zombiebaron and Olipro!

Y, who received 5 for votes won the NOTM for January of 2013. There was a tie for Uncyclopedian of the Month, the MoveCabal and Sir Peasewhizz both mustered up the minimum 5 for votes to hold co-ownership of the January 2013 Uncyclopedian of the Month award-title-thing. For the Useless Gobshite of the Month, Zombiebaron won with 6 for votes, being the only nominee. With 3 for votes, Bill Melater won the January 2013 Foolitzer Prize! Also being a single nominee in a category.

Well, congratulations to all winners of something, something! Keep on being aggressive, because a few categories have been already entered by users in a February 2013 campaign! And for the Year Awards, see you again in January 2014 and right here with the winners in February 2014. And also, voting records can be found right here and over here.

After a serious level of contention on VFS, a conclusion was reached, one that I personally feel was poorly made. Instead of allowing Wikia Uncyc to "reap what they sow," as the old proverb goes, ChiefjusticeDS felt he simply had to intervene. As such, he eliminated Aimsplode's nomination and permabanned him from the site.

Admittedly, I was in favor of aim becoming an admin, but not for the reasons everyone thinks. I'm of the opinion that you should suffer the full rewards or consequences of your choices. With the populace having voted for Aimsplode, despite Chief's attempt to eliminate his nomination twice before his permanent termination of it, it's only fair that the Wikia site gets a Nazi as an admin. That's what they want, so that's what they'll get. It's like vandalism: Sure, you can vandalize Uncyclopedia all you want, but you'll suffer the consequences of that. In that case, a ban.

As someone who considers himself to have a more traditional view of things, I fully believe that ChiefjusticeDS had no reason to stick his nose in the business of the userspace. Were Aimsplode to have proven himself to be a good admin, he would've stayed. Were he to have been of poor quality, his employment would be terminated. Point is, either way, they would've got what they asked for.

Speaking of Aimsplode, he's been doing a good job of terminating all proof of his existence elsewhere on the internet. From Habbo to Deviantart, and even I can haz cheezburger, he has tried to terminate his existence from the web. Perhaps there is more to this pseudo-Nazi then any of us know...

Another update, another day. Keep checking back on your daily USP for the next update on the Uncyc Cold War.

I spilled cocaine on a math assignment that I handed in to my teacher, and now I'm afraid that she's addicted to giving out homework. What do I do? (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney @ 10:07, Friday 01 February 2013)

Buy more cocaine.

What is the meaning of life? (asked by Sir Peasewhizz @ 00:31, 31 January 2013)

Life is meaningless. The only thing that is certain is that we will all one day die. Except some of us don't stay dead.

05:11, February 4, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Page blanking troll 2 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years ‎ (You are undoubtedly the most pathetic vandal ever. See you in another 5 years???)

22:48, February 1, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 2.216.151.169 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (That thing you did... Don't do it again)

05:44, January 31, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected RAHB (Talk | contribs) (To be fair, I would have blown you but I didn't want my breath to smell like whiskey and old socks.)

Kip: Xtreme Paint Drying is exactly how I would describe Uncyclopedia in a nutshell.

USP: And what part of these six long, hard years was the most fun? What about the worst? Was there a time where you just could have killed someone? Was there a time where you could have had an orgasm just because of something cool happening?

Kip: That Mr. Winkler controversy was pretty fun, because that's one of the major classic dramafests of which I actually got to take part. My worst time at Uncyclopedia was definitely my first year when I epitomized dipshitttery. Receiving serious infinibans from the likes of Famine, Hinoa and Zombiebaron was soul-crushing. My best time, however, would be when I finally won UotM. It felt like I had finally broke out of my shell and became a valued member of the community. The fact that it took place at Christmas time only enhanced it, as I shine brighter than the Rockefellar tree in December. Reflecting back, I wouldn't trade my experience at Uncyclopedia for anything. Except money, fame and love.

Recently, we have seen the return of many passionate members of the community, which have seen the return of Uncyc daylight upon arrival. Was that a run-on sentence? Idk... anywaaaays. So the point is, Ljlego has returned recently, and so has Dawg. I bring these two in particular because Ljlego and Dawg have revealed over the IRC hints that they wish to stay here, on the new site. Ljlego was looking to get an Uncyclopedia cloak, while Dawg just plain out said he was interested in staying. To sum it up, yay more returnees! Go Jesus! Oh yeah, and you can join the Proofreading Service. This is basically the Grammar nazi equivalent to the Poopsmith Lounge... only less dead and slightly more squeamish.

Lol, no. Just kidding. But hasn't it come to most people's minds that maybe, possibly the Wikia's members are curious to what is going on in here (Bitches, alcohol, and partying) and might come sneak by? Well, first off Chief banned BB on the Wikia and set up a spam account here. BB found out that Chief was the account owner of the vandalizing account and banned both of them. Though Lyrithya unbanned Chief. W.O.W. Gay.

Keep your eyes open, boys. Or not, it's not like they mean harm. What do you take me for? Pulixer? lol no.

Okay, so most of you ungrateful bastards won't update your Hall of Shame entrees yourself. Well, did you even see that forum link? It even said "SIGN HERE FUCKERS". Yeah, that's right. Please, go update your Hall of Shame entrees and/or help me update those who don't update their HOS entrees. Man, that was pretty awkwardly worded. However, still. This task isn't easy. Much help is needed. USE THE EFFIN' FORCE, I KNOW THERE'S JEDIS WITHIN OUR RANKS!!

BUT SERIOUSLY.

Ask Zombiebaron
Sorry, he's not giving advice on Valentine's Day. We don't need little pregnant babies because ZB told you cut a hole in the condom for maximum results. He'll answer next issue and the ones after that. Or we'll kill him.

21:07, February 7, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ ((Good luck, ChiefjusticeDS. I liked you too, but you're the one violating Rule 2, and while this block is essentially meaningless, let me just say... enjoy eternity. (DO NOT UNBLOCK))

Well, this one's a bit late, but still important. Illogicopedia has considered moving their hosting over to the Free Uncyc servers, netting a nifty anti-Wikia deal. As well, a series of "hate bans" occurred recently, involving ChiefjusticeDS banning people on the Wikia site, and a sockpuppet of his being banned on this site.

It has come to the attention of this fine news source that Uncyclopedia is being overrun by robots, displacing tens of writers on a daily basis. After we realized they might be useful (in spite of lacking a sense of humour and soul), we captured and trained a couple of them to deliver the UnSignpost for us. To appease these ravenous automatons, we were forced to switch to categories from our archaic signup list. You may have noticed a new template on your page, which should be placed on the page you wish to have your UnSignpost delivered, where it will be dropped at the bottom (as always). Please refrain from petting the robots, as they may bite (we're working on that with them).

One of these 'bots (as we call them) was easier to train and has assisted us in huffing literally hundreds of old (pre-2011) User: and User_talk: pages for anonymous IPs. They're now working deep in the bowels of the site removing crap categories and fixing broken stuff.

The one attached to Dawg has the painfully unfunny name of DawgBot, and the one attached to Sir Peasewhizz is suspiciously not a bot at all. He's the... the... OH GOD NO. HE'S THE SLENDERMAN. AHHHHH!!!

Well, I was cracking codes in wingdings this day and I found the message at the right when I typed "MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC" In ALL CAPS in wingdings. This magnificent message, according to our codecrackers, might mean that the death of the Internet is caused by bronies. This message starts with a bomb and a Jew star, in which the bomb represents October 10, 2010 while the Jew star represents the money-makers of Hasbro. Then it is followed by a sadface, a palm, 2 snowflakes, another sadface, and a finger pointing left. This might mean that 2010 is the winter and sorrow of all franchises, caused by cooperate corruption and...bronies. Both can be read as: "In the day of the bomb, all franchises will be corrupted". The third sentence is pointed flag, flag, skull, Jew star and computer, which might represent the death and conquest of the internet. The fourth sentence is a finger pointing right, a sun, a finger pointing left, a skull, a thumbs down finger, a water drip, a palm, and a pointed flag. This possibly represents that a dawn of death will rise, all the straight men will fight, and finally the dawn of death will make them bleed. The fifth sentence is palm, water drip, bomb, two fingers, one finger, palm and thumbs up. This might represent that we are currently on a countdown to demise. HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT?????? Fortunately, there is good news. The good news is that the same might be used against the bronies, and if this happens it might read as: The bomb had set by the Jews and franchises are corrupted. But now, we will conquer over the terror. they might fight the dawn but they will bleed. The bronies are on the countdown to demise.

This is a two sided prophecy. nevertheless, The war against faggotry will eventually prevail.

As of February 19th of 2013, Aleister (formerly Aleister in Chains) leads the Hall of Shame with 67 features. Which article robbed Soggy's and Aleister's tie at 66 features? None other than probably the most boring material to work with, but it happened; UnBooks Biography:The guy who invented soap! Go read it! And also, you must go read the rest Aleister's features. Or else. You can access them here. Remember, we're watching!

Ask Zombiebaron

Dear, Zombiebaron, please explain the 2nd law of thermodynamics in six words or less. (asked by RAHB)

Nothing means anything. Everything just is. There is no meaning of undeath.

Zombie, what is your favorite weight-loss diet? (asked by Simsilikesims)

Life is short, eat whatever you want. Don't change your diet to conform to society's outrageous standards of outward beauty.

Hypothetically speaking, say you and I were to suddenly decide one day to sail the Mediterranean Sea in search of various treasures, and hypothetically, we crash our boat on a deserted island. Now... hypothetically, we try to signal for a rescue for any planes passing by, but hypothetically, that proves uneventful, seeing as this island is buried under massive amounts of fog. However, we are able to setup a hypothetical shanty campsite using nothing but bamboo and wood we've collected from fallen trees, and eventually (but hypothetically), we're even able to create a water purification system after our supply of bottled water runs out. But one day, while attempting to catch fish, we discover this hypothetically deserted island is not deserted at all. In fact, it happens to be populated by a completely hypothetical tribe of cannibals who are fresh on our trail. Hypothetically, we must build a raft and escape the island. After two weeks of evading the cannibals, we finally manage to build this raft and we set sail once again. Hypothetically speaking, of course. Sadly, we only manage to make it less than a mile from the island before a giant hypothetical wave forces us to crash and endure the cold, murky waters. Hypothetically, we're able to swim back to the shore but because of the time we spent in the water, I've contracted a hypothetical case of pneumonia. What's worse is that we've hypothetically used all of our Kleenex supplies in our old water purification system, meaning I'm left with a very runny nose and no hypothetical way of treating it. My question is, will you let me blow my nose in your butt cheeks? (asked by Supergeeky1)

IRC Log of the Week
[12:57] Mr-ex777 HERO: faggotry is the biggest sin.
[12:57] HERO no
[12:57] HERO its one of them
[12:57] Mr-ex777 HERO: of the internet
[12:57] HERO you damn skippy
[12:58] HERO turns into a black cat and jumps on Mr-ex777's head. Looks down in his face."Meow?"
[13:00] HERO Stays on Mr-ex777's head. Just sits there.
[13:02] Mr-ex777 HERO: Jews did wtc? nope, YOU did WTC
[13:02] HERO ?
[13:02] Mr-ex777 they just mistook you as jew

Select User of the Week
The select user of the week is again, Dawg for lots of hard effort in deleting outdated pages!

Confucius says

If you wiggle your pinky up and down inside your ear, it sound like pacman.

Rock and roll make good half breakfast.

Girl named Paige Turner love to read.

Dieting is wishful shrinking.

Sexy typist will bang on keyboard.

Biopic of the Week
This week we spoke with RAHB over the IRC. We did a Q&A of 3 questions.

USP: First question. If you had to fuck a Muppet, which Muppet would you fuck and why?

RAHB: Lola because I bet she could turn me inside out with those lips. Wait. Is her name Lola? The one with big lips and no eyes? Janice. That’s the one. Yes, Janice.

USP: Second question. If you could kill any musician, which musician would you kill?

RAHB: If I could kill any musician I would kill the first musician ever, just to see if it would have any effect on the development of music beyond that.

Like, if I went back in time and killed Ugg before he found out he could make a percussive sound out of two rocks, would today's contemporary music be entirely recorded in reverse? Who knows?!

USP: Third question. Do you come here often, baby?

Only when I get a tip that there's some good zombiedick hanging around.

And there you have it, folks! RAHB!

Nothing is happening here at all. So stop looking. Wait, look at this picture!

Sir Peasewhizz's mother. An example of accuracy and truth-in-advertising.

We Here At The UnSignpost™ bear a strong commitment to accuracy—in fact, the UnSignpost is required by law to print at least one truthful statement per issue in order to retain our status as a tax-exempt organic fish-cannery.[1] We believe that our track record speaks for itself: in our nearly 45 months of existence, the USP has printed only 243 retractions, a full 20% of which were not ordered by a court.

It was with some consternation, therefore, that we discovered a massive error in our reporting. In recent weeks, former USP editor and general mensch ChiefjusticeDS was repeatedly identified by the UnSignpost as being a "putrid puddle of poodle puke", and also as having been "perm-banned" for vandalizing the new Uncyclopedia with sockpuppet accounts. While the first statement remains an object of controversy, the second one could not be further from the truth. ChiefjusticeDS is one of the least-likely vandals in the history of Uncyclopedia; furthermore, our research indicates that he is not actually aware of the new Uncyclopedia, and while his lawyers apparently are, he is currently blithely executing his sysop duties on the old site, much as a mother elephant seal mournfully attends the corpse of her crushed pup.

We would like to take this opportunity to apologize profusely for any inconveniences this erroneous reporting has caused anyone. While we have traced the original mistake to confusion on the part of ourcorrespondents (who are possessed of more eagerness than brains), the final blame must lie at the feet of our fact-checking department; we intend to take them thoroughly to task for their laziness and inattention, just as soon as we figure out how to fire people who don't exist.

On a related note, we would like to issue the following corrections and clarifications:

On page 43 of last week's Lifestyle section, an article titled "Fun snacks for kids" erroneously identified nitroglycerin as a "delicious pudding substitute". According to the American Society of Nutritionists, nitroglycerin is unsuitable for children's meals, as it contains dangerous levels of saturated fat.

The last name of U.S. House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner does not rhyme with "butt-pipe", as was reported in last week's Capitol Review section.

So, even if it has felt like a long past couple of weeks, bring your spirits up! We can help, because there is the PLS coming up soon. So yeah, I know this is short. But it's longer than you. HA! HA! HA!

I believe that we can neither prove nor disprove conclusively the existence of demons. It seems likely, however, that demons are merely characters invented by the human mind as a personification of our own evil desires and impulses, as a story to scare children, and as a sexual fantasy for octogenarians.

I'm sick of you! I'm gonna get you, Zombiebaron. I'm gonna get you! How do you like those particular apples? (asked by Roman Dog Bird)

You still owe me $20 and I told you last time that half an apple is not real money.

Biopic of the Week: Strainj1
The Biopic of the Week is usually written by a USP correspondent, but the interview with this week's subject yielded a paragraph so excellent that we couldn't possibly do better. Although we could certainly do worse. Strainj1 is one of our "newer" users (we think, although he has probably been here since 2009—we can't be bothered to check). In his own words:

“

I'm from Gympie, which is quite clearly the center of the universe. My real name is Nils, which to be honest a quick Google search with that fact and my username would probably lead FAR too easily to my full identity. My surname is VERY Asian sounding, even though my entire genealogy is Northern Europe (Danish and Dutch mainly) - feel free to say as much about vikings as you like, because I'm totally like one. As far as dependents go, I own a small dog, and an awesome purple party house, complete with and a discoball and laser lights controlled by a party switch. My parents' immigration status is all good - however my dad did just marry a Ugandan woman, and my sister is a statistical mathematician in Switzerland. But that's all legit yeah? I meanwhile coast through life in a full time job that is more varied than the colours on the walls in my ridiculously multicoloured toilet. I'd also like to state that every statement in this paragraph is NOT a lie.

”

Confucius Say

Unborn twins are womb-mates

Installing fan can be a breeze

Heck is where those go who don't believe in Gosh.

Couple who sleep in water bed start to drift apart.

When man go to court, he put his fate into hands of people not smart enough to get out of jury duty.

If you haven't heard the sad, sad news; TKF (formerly Thekillerfroggy) has announced his departure from Uncyclopedia as an Uncyclopedian, Admin, Bureaucrat, Legend, and Hero in the afternoon of March 2nd. With it, his reason; not enough writers who enjoy it for the fun and enjoy others work as well as he doesn't want to write anymore nor does he need to. He feels this has taken him from a shitty high-school writer to something he had gained confidence in.

Of course, he wishes us good luck and knows we'll boom with excellence in the future.

"Peasewhizz, sorry man, you've got the energy and passion but you've got a long way to go to develop your talent and rein in your hyperactive aspects. You do remind me of myself from 2006, which is to say you've got a little bit of something goin on here but it needs to be toned down a LOT. Writing-wise, you need an editor. You would benefit the most from pee review coming back. Which gives me an idea: how about instead of Pee Review, we just have writing partners or something? I dunno. But back to the point: focus less on all of the bullshit "community" stuff, stop nominating your own articles, and go back and edit all of your older things. Become embarrassed by what you wrote 3 months ago, I still do with my own articles. Read them out loud. Get better before you get bigger."

This is also his heart.

He also states he will NEVER FINISH 18TH CENTURY BIIIIIIIIITCH!

But Frosty thinks he will return, as he states (and believes) "Once an Uncyclopedian, always Uncyclopedian".

As a wise man once said, (yesterday) "Whatintheworldofgaysex?! It's already March?" To answer that question, well, yes. You see, FEBRUARY 2013 HAS DIED. So... I guess we shall show you all the award winners of the month of February this year.

Want a plate? It is a trophy, made out of pure plate. You can eat cookies on it.

The noob of February 2013 was none other than Hoof Hearted. With a score of 5 obtained, this user has passed the ultimate liftout course and went on to claiming this sexy title. Still up there, ready to take March by the balls, is ProfessorScience. Hoof Hearted, however, has left ProfessorScience a strong against vote stating that the humor ProfessorScience gives out was hard to find funny. Sorry, but THAT WAS MEAN. I mean, such n00Bz voted against more than once in this month's Noob of the Moment contest.

And guess who was the UOTM? DUH! None other than MadMax, whom we all knew would win. However, we boggled and offended that this guy only won once before claiming this month's UOTM title. Wow. Not cool, bros. But hey, does his 2007 Uncyclopedian of the Year title override this? Well, fuck, now I'm trying to figure that out. Thanks for putting my head into a crisis-like state. I love you for this.

I think the real question is how could the perfect combination of Lynne Adams's terrible monotone narration and the shine of mechanically precise cold polished steel not give you a boner. How It's Made is basically porn.

20:45, March 4, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 115.25.216.6 (Talk | contribs) to an expiry time 2 years (You are editing on a gay proxy. As such you are banned, sucks don't it? Spam, eh? More like WHAM, amirite?)

20:03, February 28, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Mike the Great (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Needs to be unblocked as part of the test. I still don't see any malted milk balls.)

00:30, February 27, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.59.28.95 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (Block, just a block: Hello and bye (don't come back pls))

IRC Log
<derpyy> I'LL CUM TOO MUCH AND DIE!
<UncycBot> <derpyy> I am very happy for you.
<derpyy> This damn pussy of yours is also just a pussy! <UncycBot> <derpyy> Oh now I see.
<derpyy> FULL THROTTLE EROTICA!
<UncycBot> <derpyy> That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about dicks car.
<Frostee> derpyy is gay like UncycBot
<UncycBot> <Frostee> I think derpyy is a lot of things.
<derpyy> My vagina hungers!
<UncycBot> <derpyy> Where did you get your vagina hungers?
<derpyy> THE LIPS OF MY WOMB ARE CONGESTED WITH BLOOD AND SUCKLING ON THE TIP OF HIS DICK LIKE A BABY BEING PAMPERED! <3

Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week, we are debuting the UnSignpost's "Biopic: In Their Own Words", which is to say, we are so incredibly lazy that we can't even make up our own bullshit anymore. In fact, we are so lazy that we debuted this feature several weeks ago, but were too lazy to announce it until now.

I'm originally from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The first article that comes to mind as a favorite is Inebriated'sThe fact that you don't want a poodle. I'm 18 years old, I turn 19 on April 2nd. Politically I veer left like I'm driving drunk. If hip-hop and rap music were classes in high school I would be valedictorian. I sometimes do drugs. My favorite book is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Arrested Development and Firefly are the best shows ever. On the site I don't do a hell of a lot besides write articles about 9/11 and related topics. I've goatse'd the main page not once, but twice.

”

So There You Have It! Colin is a terrificguy who enjoys urban music, weed, and timeless Internet memes. (For future reference, Colin, we're in ur base, killin all ur doods.)

Confucius say

Business can mean bad or good. When it is none of your business it cannot be either

AIDS do not help body

First crush feel heavy, second crush feel heavier

Math class is full of drama. There are so many problems to work out

A group called Balloons sings pop music

Random Article of the Week

This week, we shall have five random articles BECAUSE WE CAN! Mmhhhmm. Son.

Yes, salad. It has come to my attention that Uncyclopedians are simply not consuming enough of it. Ladies and gentlemen, we here at the Unsignpost implore of you, we beg you, to eat more salad. Why should you eat more salad? Well you only need to look at the facts to find the answer:

But clearly, this is not all that salad is capable of. Clearly a great cosmic injustice is being done by not mentioning salad's tremendous influence on the Russian space program, 80% of whose members consume salad on a regular basis, some more than once a day. But that's not all. Several tremendously influential figures in scientific history, including Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan, and Billy Mays, have admitted to having consumed salad at least once in their lifetime, sometimes even while doing important scientificthings! Sexy sweet Mary, it's true!

This is not a picture of salad.

In fact, most major celebrities (the attractive ones, you know) are regular salad masticators. Lady Gaga, for example, may be best known for wearing a meat suit, but she is also well-known for eating salad. If by "well-known", you mean "she does it and nobody makes much of a fuss." Same goes for the salad eating.

Salad is known to have cured countless diseases, voted tremendously in favor of liberal politics, saved at least three dolphin from inconveniently placed tar deposits, fixed a plethora of flat tires on the side of United States interstate highways, eliminated the existence of internet memes, punched Adolf Hitler in the face, gone toe-to-toe with John Wayne in a cage match, and given a lustrous sheen to the coats of some of the world's prettiest felines.

Biopic: In Their Own WordsMultiliteralist here looks like spongy potluck in potluck in the field in homo? Are you wonder how tomatoes ghost it up? AHEM He has also worked tirelessly toward reviving both UnNews and the art of surrealism since his recent return to Uncyclopedia, which makes us just positively horny inside. Just think of all the olives! We interviewed the legendary taxidermist this week in order to find out what makes him tick.[1] He had the following to say:

I'm a rugged Caucasian male from the Caucasus mountains. Everyone secretly wants to get laid by me. My personal philosophy is this is OK. My purpose at Uncyclopedia is to leave and come back again after a cooling-off period, again and again. Crimean war fucking sucked.

This is particularly enlightening in the case of AHEM the modern anti-vice table in front of abortions yet closing remarks about remarks are they became:

Closing remarks are for pussies.

Fleasy. Get a pies.

↑As it turns out, the source happened to be a small wall clock that inexplicably follows him around, hovering in the air, everywhere he goes. Scientists are debating what this means to the future of space travel.

People like the UnSignpost because it’s hot! It has the best graphics and everything. Marcus, USP! Step yo’ game up![edit]

If you haven't heard, the "lovely" and "beautiful" Jew / Cabal runner named Mordillo, who left in 2011, has decided to return. It's not official yet, he's just made a couple of edits, but WHO GIVES A DAMN. Let's just say he's back. We will now have our (nonexistent) cabal back with our favourite Jewish Uncyclopedian, kakun Mordillo. Let's give him a big round of applause. And remember kids, there is no cabal.

Yes, we're doing it. We're doing it. We're doing it, if you know what we mean. And not only is it great that we're bringing it back since the 99th issue of the UnSignpost (8 issues from 100th anniversary of the section departure), but it makes it extra special that it's Why?:Your cat died making it on the big screen for its return! This, we swear, was not an incident of Sir Peasewhizz[1] taking advantage of his abilities during the construction of the USP this week. And we're totally not promoting propaganda. Sillies.

If you haven't already heard (which you probably have), RAHB started a vote to give bureaucrat rights to MadMax, the awesome admin. In a 14–0 vote, Dawg gave him the rights on the 16th. Now, this obviously raised the age old question - what is MadMax's use of this user right?

IRC Log Of The Week
<Kippy> You know chaos theory and/or the Butterfly Effect? What if it could cause ripples through the spacetime continuum? Like, say, I farted while peeing and retroactively caused the Holocaust.
<Strainj1> hahaha
<Strainj1> it probably did
<Kippy> :O
<Kippy> A sandwich caused one of the World Wars, so I'm not ruling it out.
<Strainj1> probably a pastrami and cucumber sandwich
<Strainj1> they're evil

Biopic: In Their Own Words

SKIZZERZ IN ACTION.

Skizzerz takes the seat in the the one and only Biopic of the Week, only available on demand! Well, before we start, you need to know that Skizzerz's natural habitat is on the IRC and lurks within the darkness! So, that'll be a reason you don't know who he is if you are stupid and are one of those who don't! Here's what Skizzerz had to tell the press:

Rick, this is a bad time. A very, very, very bad time. I'm so sorry. But, hey! Listen. You can't be mad at me. You shan't be mad at me! Even though you hired me to babysit your cat, it was not my fault! Now the reason why Mr. Snickermuffins died is not one that could be easily taken for truth. But, in this case, it was what happened. I swear! What are you doing Rick? Stop searching for evidence and knifes! DAMMIT RICK! RICK! I can explain! Just stop panicking, Rick! God dammit! Rick. Listen.(Full article...)

People scoring 70 out of 100 points (passing GPA :D) were Aleister (with Second conquest of the moon as her topic), Sir Peasewhizz (with Ding dong ditching houses as his topic, but later changed it to an UnBooks), IFYMB! (with his UnReview of the Crimean War) and Zombiebaron with his book about meeting his enemy on that one day. He scored 97 out of 100 points, which is quite considerably erotic.

So, for once, we ask you! What did you think? Did you love it? Did you love the HMC this year? You better have, or we'd be sad.

In this issue on this given week, we interview the very crazy one: Very Crazy Rafael! This man is commonly more seen lurking around IRC and hasn't made his user page yet. So red links are his thing. But this is what this CRAZY Rafael had to say to the press:

I found the Wiki on July 17, 2008. I am Brazilian, so I'm user of the Portuguese version: "Desciclopédia." My first article was about Jerusalem, translated from the English version. My best article is about the game: Grand Theft Auto IV. I'm male, I'm 18. I am practicing law.

Sideboob comes into play when a fashionable upper-class woman wants you to lust after her breasts, but can still live with herself in polite society. Sideboob, which is a peek-a-boo look at the side of either one or both breasts, aesthetically enhances any situation in which it appears. In fact, in our virtual/material/antropological world, good Sideboob is usually so attention-grabbing that all of the other objects of attraction in the vicinity can only brood silently, start the toe tapping thing, get into the arms crossed pose, and then storm out. That is the power of Sideboob. (Full article...)

Yes, it's true. After only three months of sickly sweet freedom, our "Free" Uncyclopedia has broken. As the main page announced only days ago, our brief period of independence has come to an end, and it is now time to reconcile with the welcoming - if brutally oppressive - arms of Wikia. Or, in the bittersweet, tear-wrenching words of RAHB; "All will be assimilated into the bliss of the Grand Wikia Empire. Those who resist will be disposed of." Amen to that!

Maybe years in the future, we will even look back and say that the day we repented was the day that everything changed for the better. A date that will surely go down in history for Uncyclopedia: April the 1st.

So... what did you do this Easter Sunday? Did you even celebrate Easter? Did you see any bunnies in your house hiding eggs? Laying eggs? Making you "special candy"? I know I sure did! If you're not doing anything next year 'round, you could do some of these things; kill a baby, do nothing, watch baseball, make a sandwich, skateboard, eat soup, and worship SatanJesus! Happy Easter from the UnSignpost! Ruining your lives since 2008!

19:17, March 29, 2013 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Sir Peasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 12 seconds ‎ (I've had it with these motherfuckin' UnSignposts without my motherfuckin' name linked in them. Put this ban in the ban log plz. ; D)

Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week, we traveled to Saskatchewan to visit the ancient and revered Taiwanese sheep herder Lon Chang Eee, to ask him about his rich and storied life experiences traveling the Earth and meeting its various peoples. Unfortunately, he was not home. So instead, we interviewed Madclaw. When we arrived, he was naked and entirely covered in mustard, prompting us to ponder why we didn't come to him in the first place. He told us this about himself:

"My prick is a biohazard. One......................... two................................................ three....................................... four............................................... five............................................ six............................................... seven............................................... and a half................. inches. And due to the large amount of pubic hair you almost can't see the genital warts."

Speaking of my prick I once tried to thrust it into a grapefruit but due to the PH value of it my dickhead kept feeling a burning sensation. Fucking grapefruit give you crabs kids, unlike Grae-fruits, they give you AIDS."

He also told us that the most exciting thing he had ever stuck in his butthole was "A French hookers tiny dildo when I 69'ed her".

Since it became the world's most popular search engine, many people imagine that the Google™ corporation of California™ is a young company. However, this is not the case. Google was first registered as a trademark as long ago as 1894 and has been in business ever since, though it is only in the last decade that it has achieved the international fame that it now enjoys. (Full article...)

Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boooyyy! My cat is a horny bastard! Seriously! My cat won't shut up! He's always chewing on my chords, meowing, biting my laptop's corners (of the screen) and interrupting my Yankees baseball game! Seriously, what should I do? I wanted to write something interesting today for the UnSignpost, but I have to deal with this cat situation! His name is Max by the way. Somebody help me! My cat is horny! HORNY!

10:30, April 9, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) blocked BrookeTra (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Tired of these bot created accounts with names. What happens when the real Brooke Tra tries to join Uncyclopedia? Nothing, because you stole her username you faggot)

02:10, April 5, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) (Banning me for nearly 2 years over a link on a subpage that I haven't edited in over a year seems a bit much)

Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week, for the Biopic we went to the extremes of MAGIC BUS RIDES! Ladies and gentlemen! The magical MagicBus! YEAH! This is what he had to say for us at the UnSignpost! And yes, the ride was magical! I came. But you don't want to know that. That's icky stuff. Here's what MagicBus had to say:

Hello, I'm MagicBus. I have a mom and a dad. I also have one cool sister and three very annoying brothers. I am Christian and I believe in God. My favorite colors are blue, green and black. I am currently attend high school and I'm in 11th grade.

I will try my best to kick the 5-time champion and the 4-time champion out of NASCAR. My favorite football team is the Buffalo Bills and I extremely hate the Cheaters. I also like many rock bands from the 60's, 70's and 80's and wish Justin Bieber to hit puberty and to stop kissing his girlfriend. I also love to play the drums and I play them like Keith Moon of The Who. My favorite NASCAR driver is David Ragan. And this was his closing statement, which came extremely magically:

I'm MagicBus and I approve this message!

There you have it everybody! The magical, the transportation daredevil, the hip MagicBus! Yes, cheer. Cheer. Harder, louder, faster stronger. Now twist. One more time. Okay stop! Hammertime.

Minecraft is a sandbox-building independent video game written entirely in Java, created by Swedish professor Markus "I-can't-make-circles-or-other-shapes" Persson.

Persson began on the project after he decided that he had a deep yearning to create a game that was more boring than real life. Instead of, you know, making something that would actually benefit the world. At the time, he probably thought the project as small, insignificant. Little did he know that his creation would soon amass a mighty army of sheepish gamers that would never have a relationship or even know a life outside of Minecraft.

The game is mainly comprised of extremely pixelated blocks, gardening tools, inconsistent gravity and 12 year olds who will spend every waking moment at this little game. (Full article...)

If we were to crash several small meteors into Mars as to build up its mass slightly and we then syphoned some of the greenhouse gases from Venus' atmosphere and enveloped Mars in it, would Mars become habitable? What about Venus? Would it cool down enough following the removal of the greenhouse gases? (asked by Dexter111344)

Yes.

I made a movie called "iRape". How do I promote it in theatres? (asked by Hotadmin4u69)

02:28, April 11, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Mr-ex777 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (What he's doing is seriously so not blanking. You're an idiot.)

IRC Log Of The Week
<gaybo_the_clown> the anime came first
<gaybo_the_clown> like everything in japan
<gaybo_the_clown> it's based on anime
<SirPeasewhizz> \wp Date Masamune
<gaybo_the_clown> I'm not even sure japan exists
<gaybo_the_clown> I think it's just from cartoons and fucked up porn
<gaybo_the_clown> like king arhur

Welcome on board everyone, or as our German friends would say, "Hello!" I'm Stephen Baldwin. You may recognise me from the front of that pamphlet you're holding. This is Stephen Baldwin's Excellent Tour of Hollywood, On a Bus, driven by Me, Stephen Baldwin. I bet you didn't know I was a bus driver! Well, things aren't so flash in the movie business lately. Hold my whiskey... thanks. God, I'm Irish!

Let's all buckle in and get started. Actually, I couldn't afford seatbelts. Whenever I'm not talking -- not often, I assure you! -- feel free to ask me questions about me! I'll respond by talking about myself. Now I know you folks are probably wanting to see the sights -- and you will! But mostly, I'm just going to talk about myself and drive past them all at 60 miles an hour. (Full article...)

Whilst I sit, watching a Yankees Classics rerun-David Cone's Perfect Game, I become bored. Yes, bored. Sorry to break out the truth stick. So let us talk, paper to reader. Why do you give such gay faces when I say that? Is it that you don't like me? You don't like me?! THE UNSIGNPOST PAPER?! Well then you can just rip me the FUCK UP! Just kidding... I enjoy living.

It seems that Votes for Highlight has received a blow. Er, a boost. You fucking pervert. Gawd! Anyways, good job ladies on taking VFH (around 6 votes per article) and pushing it somewhere else! (10.03 votes per article as of Friday, April 19th)

IRC Log Of The Week
<RAHB> Sure, as soon as I finish watching How To Irritate People
<SirPeasewhizz> lol
<RAHB> Clever flick, incidentally :)
<RAHB> Got most of the Monty Python cast pre-Flying Circus
<SirPeasewhizz> hahaha

Biopic: In Their Own Words
For this week's Biopic, we turned our attention to Denza252, because he is the master of Biopic'n! Here's what this dude had to say! Behold:

I am denza252, I am an aspie adhd suffering bipolar schizophrenic, soon I will be an uncyclopedia administrator and I have big plans for this wiki, I am a southern baptist christian and my favorite Star Wars character is Quinlan Vos, I am gonna murder SPIKE for impersonating me

And this was Denza252's closing statement:

is that enough?

Yes. That is enough. Superb, in fact! Everybody, give it up for Denza252! Woo, woo!

I'm Facebook friends with Frosty, RAHB and Cat the Colourful now, if you don't know. Dude, you wanna be FB friends with me too? I do know that your name is Dan but that's all I really know. Is your last name Spaceman by any chance? (It would be really cool if it was!)

You can send me a private message to matthlock5@gmail.com if you feel so obliged. MAT​THL​OCK 00:26, 1 June 2013 (UTC)

Here we are, we are not dead. Ignore the fact that the staff is entirely changed from last time. We did not murder them. And we definitely didn't murder Sir Peasewhizz. Because that would be just terrible. What we did do, however, is listed below:

Recently Uncyclopedia's esteemed writing competition, the Poo Lit Surprise took place, and the outpouring of entries would have been overwhelming if it had happened. The meager number of entries we did receive seems to have done the trick though, as it has kept the judges confounded and overwhelmed for several weeks past the judging deadline now. We suspect that they are toiling away, scrutinizing every fine detail of the pieces entered, to ensure that the Uncyclopedian people are guaranteed results of the utmost quality. And we certainly did not murder Legoktm. That would be just terrible.

Aninsidiousstreamofbuttsexfarticles relating inexplicably to Doctor Who and Mr-ex777 has recently taken over Uncyclopedia's mainspace. There is no reason to be alarmed, this is just another of the strange series of ways in which the BBC is celebrating the 50th anniverary of the popular long-running science fiction series. They've also recently dressed mating animals in Doctor garb at the San Diego Zoo, anonymously left replicas of the Eleventh Doctor's sonic screwdriver inside various cakes and chocolate bars, and spray-painted Matt Smith's penis onto several trains and bus stops, in hopes of building up hype for this Novemeber's big event.

This week we were treated to the triumphant return of one of our most beloved image manipulators and an all-around great gal, Sonje! She's already taken to clearing out the backup at Image Request, helping out with the projects of a few delirious madmen and laughed heartily at the antics of a certain unnamed IRC Markov bot. Go welcome her aggressively on her talk page so that she doesn't leave to work on her Master's degree again!

And there you have it. That is literally everything that happened on Uncyclopedia since the last UnSignpost. It may have seemed like not much information, but really we just used a sort of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey device to cram a hell of a lot of data into a very short space of time. This is part of the UnSignpost's new technological advances that will make us a constant competitor in the world of wiki-news in the future. Please, tell your friends. Please. Seriously, please.

Also, Wikia still sucks (just in general). But please don't murder them. That would be just terrible.

00:06, May 31, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 123.202.12.124 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (I'm still intrigued about this "blood of the number one scorer" that you keep mentioning. Is it an album or something?)

12:36, May 22, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 209.221.90.250 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Thanks for coming back after your last ban! See you in 6 months!)

10:02, May 15, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Arcom0911 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days ‎ (If you're gonna bully kids at your school at least have the balls to do it somewhere they might actually see)

IRC Log of the Week
[23:46] <ifymb> Sounds very scientific
[23:47] <RAHB> Oh, it is
[23:47] <RAHB> Trust me, it totally is
[23:47] <RAHB> We have test tubes and everything
[23:47] <ifymb> Lab coats?
[23:47] <ifymb> You gotta have lab coats
[23:48] <RAHB> Yeah we've got lab coats
[23:48] <RAHB> Well
[23:48] <RAHB> We've got one lab coat and we just sort of share it
[23:50] <ifymb> what, you all have a patch
[23:50] <ifymb> all you all fit in one?
[23:57] <RAHB> Well, sometimes, if we've had too much to drink
[23:57] <RAHB> But usually we just rotate it around
[23:57] <RAHB> Whoever's using the test tubes gets to wear the coat

Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week Sonje returned to our ranks after nearly two years of inactivity. We were intending to do a Biopic: In Their Own Words on her for this issue of the UnSignpost, but we got lazy, and then we got drunk, and then we started trying on other people's clothes, and then things got really hazy, and now we don't have a biopic for this week. We promise to do it next week though. We totally promise.

The thirteenth edition of the PLS was held a while ago (in May). If you would like to know the result, we (me) decided to make life easier for you and give you the result of the contest, so you don't have to go all the way to the PLS page (one click).

Just to remind you, all in all there were 4 categories and, therefore, there were supposed to be 4 people who got the first place and other 4 who got the second. However, this was not exactly what happened, as there are 6 writers who came from nowhere and won the second place, therefore diminishing the amount of prize money that others got.

There has recently (a certain amount of time before the latest UnSignpost issue) been a lot of talk about creating an Uncyclopedia App as well as an Uncyclospecies. The idea consists in producing and selling the app which will transform all the human beings who use them into Uncyclopedians. The majority of the users (about 50% of those two who really participated) found this idea great (think that it is funny to talk about) and maybe even began working on it (asked someone else to think about it). Nothing else is known about them, as they disappeared soon after the first experiments were held.

The main problem this project has is that, in fact, nobody knows how to create an app. In addition to this, there is no money, as most of it was spent on Ferraris, that were supposed to bring more money but didn't. Finally, some people think that it might be harmful for the environment (nobody cares).

The project is currently being discussed (some users still post random spam on the forum) and with a certain probability the app is going to be created in nearby future (it is never going be to created but some people do think about it). Anton(talk) 12:51, 6 July 2013 (UTC)

Millions of uninformed idiots in the Western world have been left "completely unable" to decide who to support during the current Egyptian crisis, an UnNews report can exclusively reveal.

When asked his opinion, Todd Layman, 22, an English major, said "Alright! Arabic Spring Part Deux! Democracy now!" However, when we explained that the Muslim Brotherhood was the party elected by the democratic elections which the Arabic Spring provoked, Layman asked us not to print his reaction.

I can sympathize. Here's my list: [1] The first 6 or so articles I did sucked. But I think I am getting better with practice and so might you. Just keep trying, don't give up. It takes longer for some of us than others. And sometimes it just requires the proper inspiration. Sometimes I can only think of one paragraph. Then maybe I put that paragraph in my userspace. It IS easier to just post a number than write a full article. Thus, the idea of everybody posting a word and making an article out of it happened. I don't know if that still exists, but I do remember Imperial Colonization before the drama of "Transformers" happened. It did work well for awhile, and I would like to see it happen again. -- Simsilikesims(♀UN)Talk here. 01:56, 20 July 2013 (UTC)

Yeah, I suggested the Colonization on Frosty's talkpage, but he replied very coldly. IFYMB!Talk to me baby!01:58 20 July 2013

Dude, since Frosty's being a bully, we should work on an article together[edit]

Remember the Jerry Garcia article you'd promised you'd help me out with. Well, I think it's time since Frosty's put down Count to a Million. I've written 23 mainspace articles so I'm no stranger to writing and you're no stranger to the Grateful Dead, since your parents roadied them and you've listened to them yourself. Let's do it. You won't regret it. MAT​THL​OCK 19:47, 30 July 2013 (UTC)

Approximately how much money Uncyclopedia has now. Oh well, one zero is still more than no zeroes.

In a genius financial maneuver called "eat only Ramen for nine months", Uncyclopedia administrator Isarra has paid for Uncyclopedia's servers until September with what little student loan money she had left.

The remaining three months of 2013 were paid for with money raised from donations, merchandise sales, and advertising on the Uncyclomedia Shop. It cost $277.80 of the site's whopping $307.51, leaving the rest of the admins with barely enough money for their Ferrari gas tanks and an Uncyclopedia Android app.

However, this makes it obvious that the site is not yet financially self-sustaining and that other methods of generating revenue and/or more exposure to Uncyclopedia are needed if the site will do better in 2014. Ideas proposed on IRC include advertising, finding a generous sugar daddy, playing the lottery, and selling synthetic marijuana. Also worth considering is that even though raising awareness of the site through word of mouth and Operation Infamous is embarrassing and socially isolating, it will attract more people who will (hopefully) put money in our cup. And clicking on the ads in our e-store helps a bit too.

Count to a million fiascoOn July 29th, 2013; the infamous Count to a million thread which is popular for it's time wasting appeal was locked by Frosty in what could be said as "an action of gay gay gay proportions." Several Just three users took to the streets to protest this decision, angry that their only source of time wasting has been taken by one gay snowman; of course, they didn't protest or anything so nothing notable happened.

When we asked Frosty about this, he responded "This is to make sure people edit in the mainspace like they're supposed to, for so long very few edits have taken place in mainspace and it seems like the most popular thing here is that blasted thread. I feel like I've made the perfect choice." However, TheHappySpaceman and co-partner in crime Kırby think otherwise; claiming that "This is just so Frosty can get the "gayest person in the world" award; we've made attempts to make the thread viable by contributing comics and other stuff and to mock all of our attempts, that's gay indeed. Even gayer than Mr. Winkler's F."

Everybody else is oddly not disturbed by this recent conundrum; knowing full well that the thread will be open in a week. "It's nice that we have a motivation to edit mainspace, I was getting tired posting numbers in an attempt to reach a million. Hey, maybe I'll make a featured article in a week." said a random Uncyclopedian. Okay, so it's not much of a fiasco as we portrayed it to be but two people are pissed off and that at least has to make it a mini-fiasco right? As of writing, TheHappySpaceman and Matthlock are currently planning to write a mainspace article, presumably with lots of gay jokes.

UnDroid
For eons, an Uncyclopedia Android app was only a pipe dream. Maybe like two weeks ago. Thankfully, it's now a reality. The app, developed by some guy you've never heard of named Jude Pereira, can be found here. It's free in exchange for money and referring your friends to download the app. The app also has many exciting features such as AutoTypo 1.0, which shrinks the keypad and allows you to create typos faster than ever before, and Zoom 0.8, an innovative feature allowing you to make large things small and small things large. It's truly revolutionary technology, and it's completely free. So download it, use it, and be somebody.

Biopic
In this Biopic we examine the trials and tribulations of Fakehater who, with a few uploads under his belt (however that works), is taking audio requests in the Village Dump. He says he enjoys proofreading, doing audio, and based on his userpage, The Goonies. He is also into older women but, like most UnNews reporters, he has little to offer any dignified, diabetic septuagenarian. Embarrassingly, his IRC nickname is "arsenic_x", which we're pretty sure is what created the Powerpuff Girls.

Some headline to make this awful story by an inexperienced editor seem important and newsworthyBy Llwy-ar-lawrSo it seems nothing much goes on these days that's really newsworthy. Sure things happen, new users stop by, edit a while then leave, people write things, but...nothing really notable, you know. But we won't write an entire article about how nothing's happening and how depressing that is because, well, it's depressing, you know? So we're going to tell you about one thing the author - in her extreme vanity - thinks is worthy of reporting and make it seem like that's important and trick you into caring, when you'd really much rather be playing video games or (gasp) writing an article.

This forum resulted in our acquiring a new admin, Llwy-ar-lawr, who is still all over the place just like she was before but now shows up in different places and is making this slow website go a little faster to hide how slow it is (we hope). There are rumours that she sleeps sometimes, but they have yet to be verified. She also happens to be writing this text right now, which is a terrible conflict of interest so we can't say any more on the matter; this means we will distract you with more pointless drivel about nothing. Now back to our regularly scheduled commercials, which we've forgotten to serve you. We bet you were really missing them because they're so yummy and informative. And yellow. That comes from the pee, which is high in nice nutrients like phosgene phosphorus...we think. Probably. We're telling it to you as a fact, though, because we're never wrong.

Dear readers, only a few days late, the UnSignpost declares the Retro Week open! Applauds!

Originally Shabidoo's very controversial idea, the Retro Week has grown to become the time when all the Uncyclopedia administrators take an official rest from their site work, unless they are also the UnSignpost editors. You don't believe us? Check the recent changes!

So the 2014 Retro Week opened with a really big tree. A very big one. But it is pretty much everything original about it. It pursued with Slender Lorises, that are able to live in wet and dry forests, next - with Template:Boner, which we are not going to use in this UnSignpost, no matter how many times you ask us. Then came the turn of Hardwick Fundelbuggy's Userpage, featured not because it was funny, but because its author had written a lot of funny stuff (following this logic we can feature sandboxes and user contributions). Finally, we saw the Fire Hydrant spreading its waters around Uncyclopedia and slowing down - if not destroying - the servers.

Amongst other pros of the Retro Week are the facts that it gives users a good excuse for not voting on VFH for a while, because nobody does this anyway and that it is keeping our main page busy, while we are making an UnSignpost for you.

Thank Sophia, it happens only once a year!

Biopic
We haven't managed to get hold of anyone long enough to get sufficient information out of them for a biopic. They always managed to ooze away just in time. Must be that slime that's got into the works.

Uncyclopedia is like a moldy pile of kelp right now. Not a lot of fun is happening right now. Or is it? Well probably not, but the UnSignpost is back! You know that newspaper that occasionally makes appearances on your talkpage that you also totally read. More than ever this newspaper will be uninformative, filled with articles that seem to endlessly ramble on about nothing in particular just to serve as filler and most importantly it will be thenewspaper written by barely literate drunks.

Of course, you must ask, will this project actually be happening on any regular basis? You bet! Certain people who are extremely vain, as proven by the writing himself into the article will try and deliver you an UnSignpost every single Friday! That is of course, unless he gets devoured by a moldy pile of kelp. Then it might not happen. Other writers may also take part in this wonderful franchise, but let's face it, it's more likely that you read this entire article through to the end, than people actually write for this place anymore.

New admin timeBy Frosty
Once again we find ourselves in that horrible, horrible mode of electing new administrators for Uncyclopedia. A process that never fails to see at least three users permanently quit the site because of "hurt feelings". But apparently, this time will be different. Although we say that every time, we truly mean it this time. Every drama stirrer will win an all expenses paid trip to RAHB's secret rape dungeon where they will have their anus mercilessly pounded with a stick coated in pieces of broken glass, and to top it off, the glass pieces will have been soaked in the HIV virus before hand.

Users are all encouraged to vote, because unlike with the presidential election, your vote counts! Further more, not every single candidate is a loser, most of them are, but not all of them. Voting commences on August 1, so get ready for some old fashion in your face comedy tragedy!

Biopic
For the first time in 2014, we actually have a biopic! This week's biopic is Banzaikitten, who, is one of the very few new comers of 2014 to not bugger off within 7 days of signing up. We would like to thank SPIKE for his contribution in bringing Banzaikitten closer to us through his "take no prisoners" banning style on Wikia. If it wasn't for this, Banzaikitten would never have quit Wikia and joined us at the chosen Uncyclopedia. Please take a moment to thank Banzaikitten for being one of the very, very, VERY few users to join in recent times.

Predictably (and because let's face it, nothing else is happening on the site), the admin election takes the lead story. For those of you living under a rock and those that are just plain slow, Kip the Dip is leading the race by far (+19) and should win be a few lengths, this is definitely because of how hard his jockey is riding him. Cat the Colourful is trailing at second with +13, followed by Leverage at +8 and Banzaikitten at +6. Other notable mentions include Aleister, Mr-ex777, Lost LabyrinthMattsnow and DungeonSiegeAddict510 who have all succeeded in avoiding the highly embarrassing score of getting +1 or less. Feel free to message the losers with negative scores and point and laugh a lot hahaha.

If you haven't been to the forum yet to cast your vote, do it today! Uncyclopedia admin elections: Twice the drama, half the fat!

VFH smellsBy Frosty
This story is nothing short of a PSA, circle-jerking with traces of vote whoring in as well. If you are reading this, you should vote on VFH. VFH voting takes very effort and makes it, at the very least appear, that we have active users. So get down there some time today and vote on all the articles. Some might say you need to actually read them first, well this is (probably) a good idea, but do bear in mind that we don't actually know if you've read it or not. And unlike, when you didn't read Hamlet in your 9th grade English class there is not going to be a surprise test on the matter.[citation needed]

You should also go vote on Frosty's article(s) currently on VFH, it's the least you could do after he SINGLE HANDEDLY wrote this terrible newspaper for you. If you don't, the length of his e-penis will decrease considerably all because he didn't get another feature on a website with a userbase smaller than an Eastern Siberian village.

Biopic
This week's biopic is the user named TheRealSexyFluttershy, which just goes to show how desperate we are for biopics that we are willing to write about literally anyone who shows a vague interest or presence in the site. TheRealSexyFluttershy can be found on The Internet Relay Chats discussing things that have relevance to ponies and poopdick on a disturbingly regular basis. However, he does occasionally make the odd presence on the Wiki and even more occasionally he makes useful edits to some page or another.

If you appreciate him go to his talk page and thank him for his noble contributions in the field of poopdick, if you don't appreciate him please feel free to spam his page with poopdick (although he may start furiously masturbating).

From The Logs
• 16:25, 25 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled, autoblock disabled) (You look like you're doing something important right now. Are you? What is it? Why are you doing it? Did I break it? Would that be bad?)
• 11:46, 26 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Asking for it, begging for it actually.)
• 09:24, 29 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 173.44.44.121 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Now sit in your corner and think about what you've done)

Not that much over a year ago, TKF left us with the classic "I'm quitting forever in a highly obnoxious and auto-fellating manor". For about 66 seconds Uncyclopedians everywhere were sad, we all fapped in sadness at the loss of our beloved TKF and things were never going to be quite the same again. Then we all thought to ourselves "good riddance, I hope he contracts Anthrax and dies."

No surprise, but he has come back under the highly illusive nickname "Argylesocks" which is obviously not somebodies sockpuppet because it contains the word socks in it. I mean, if you were a sockpuppet would you give it away so easily? Flawless logic! He can also be found on IRC chatting casually under the "dcik", showing his support for "The Dyslexia Support Foundation".

Head over to his user page and talk page to find out details about his awesome "Uncyclopedia Retrospect project" which is probably some grand social experiment documenting the life and times of hopeless losers on the internet, but hey it SOUNDED COOL.

Forum dramazBy Frosty
Uncyclopedia has recently had an infestation. An infestation of drama. Drama is bad mmkay? Aside from the obvious fact users get banned, users quit and people proceed to hate each other to the point where you would rub hot English Mustard into their prolapsed anus if you ever saw them in the street, drama distracts you from writing. As does reading the UnSignpost. But reading the UnSignpost is more constructive as the constant not so subliminal messaging telling you to write articles is plastered everywhere. WRITE ARTICLES.

Biopic
This week's biopic is Chaoarren, which if you haven't meet him yet... You suck basically. He can be found on IRC, occasionally editing the Wiki and frequently reporting established users to Ban patrol because "they made fun of him in his pink skirt" or "he smells funny". Chaoarren has also done the highly laughable feat of running dead last in the most vote rigged admin election in history, where losers like Kip the Dip and Colin actually stand a chance of winning losing.

He's also a noob that hasn't buggered off yet. I wish more of them were like you Chaoarren... I really do...

Biopic
This weeks biopic is on someone who doesn't read Uncyclopedia (but they will because we will make them through laughter har har). Her name is Elizabeth and she's from Australia. She showed Sir Peasewhizz her tits...

It's the USP!By Banzaikitten
Welcome to another no longer sporadic edition of Unsignpost. Yes, the quantity of USP's being written has gone through the roof in the last few weeks and as such there is absolutely nothing to report- hence why people who have previously never written one of these are being roped in. One thing of note that has changed is I am now an admin and as such can block RAHB with impunity. God I love to block RAHB. There is nothing quite like the fizzy rush in the root of your penis and the dizzy thrill you get in your anus when blocking RAHB. I urge all who can to try it.

Banzaikitten warns you that this UnSignpost may change your sexual orientation.

But anyway, I'm an admin now and I'm going to try and be the best admin that I can be, and judging from my recent attempt at changing the featured article, and all the admins reactions to my fuck up, the best admin I can be is one who does absolutely no administration work and just writes the occasional UnNews. Thanks for all your votes.

RAHBs SexualityBy Banzaikitten
I know I've already spoken about RAHB but god help me I just can't stop. We all like voting and there is a very important vote occuring right now. You, yes you, could decide what sexuality RAHB is. Come the end of the vote RAHB sexuality will be decided for him and he will have to perform sexual acts of that nature for the rest of time. I'm hoping Ponies wins.

As the curate and the moral compass of this sinful land I must say that I have been appalled at the terrible news that my milkman brought to me. Although I don't remember his exact words, I'll try to reconstruct his speech from my memory, which - and for this I thank God - I am still honored to possess, despite my respectable age.

“

Now, I heard Mr What's-his-name talk to his son about something he heard in the neighbor's house, which I didn't hear, but Mr. What's-his-name-again described it so well that I am positive I can repeat it almost word-by-word. So his neighbor was giving his dog its food and commenced discussing our village's events with it, Mrs. Elizabeth soon became the topic of the conversation, and she, as you know, has a daughter... And a cat. Oh, what a fine Siamese cat! But it is of no relation to our current subject. So e man and his pet chattered on and on and, apparently, that dog ... oh, I mean the man (but, you know, from a distance you really can't tell the difference) uttered that "Mrs. Elizabeth's daughter once read an educational page on the Internet, which talked about homosexuality and how you cure it." And can you guess who the author its author was? Mr. Frosty, the man who lives next door to you!

”

These were the words of the milkman. However, this isn't all. I was not terrified when I heard this, because teaching fellow villagers to cure an abominable disease, which homosexuality certainly is, is a commendable act from Mr. Frosty's part, especially if it was done with no impulse other than to save good Christians.

Alas, I, we have been greatly deceived in our trust! Beware of the appearances, especially when they are found on the unholy Internet!

Ah, wicked men! I, your curate, willing to help your ungrateful souls, decided to try the so-praised advice of Mr. Frosty on myself and proceeded to accomplish it yesterday. I did everything he said to the very last phrase and - I swear by the Holy Grail - it didn't work!

Biopic
bakpak2hvy is a guy who frequently lurks on our IRC without saying anything. The other day he said something.

From The Logs
• 15:59, August 16, 2014 Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) blocked Chaoarren (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ([22:58] <Chaoarren> Can I get joke banned? :D)
• 15:00, August 15, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked DungeonSiegeAddict510 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (As you aided my quest to take over Uncyclopedia, have a block. I was meant to give this to you earlier but you were already banned for 40 minutes. Have a 1 second extension!)
• 05:57, August 15, 2014 Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) blocked Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 seconds (Fuck Finland)

Did you know that every ten seconds: another ten seconds kicks in? Yeah, mind equals blown right now, eh? Did you know that the return of one legendary user triggers other legendary users to return as well? When Argylesocks returned from his previous state (not Blue Mountain), it only was a matter of time until the legend named MadMax returned from his couple-of-months-long sojourn in the wild country known as Ethiopia. MadMax does not steal the few supplies of food Ethiopia has, you sick fuck! HE HAS A SOUL.

For those who have heard of the legendary Xamralco, he has returned to. He is an admin and a fantastic writer. We love him. You love. YOU LOVE HIM.

Okay? Okay.

Now if anyone sees Dawg, slap him and tell him to come back. And for Olipro... gosh. I can't even.

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Biopic
For this edition of your favorite paper, the USP, we had the chance to get the Biopic for one of the biggest badasses to ever live. That person/thingy/chatter was auror, whom we found frolicking in our IRC channel one evening.

When we asked auror if she would like to be Biopic'ed (did I spell that right? SPELL CHECK PLS) she gave a powerful speech.

It is days like these when I realize what a cruel world we live in. It seems that Pee Review has bitten the dust. For just a few minutes of your day and some cash you can help solve this crisis. Seriously, you hoes.

There has recently (a certain amount of time before the latest UnSignpost issue) been a lot of talk about creating an Uncyclopedia App as well as an Uncyclospecies. The idea consists in producing and selling the app which will transform all the human beings who use them into Uncyclopedians. The majority of the users (about 50% of those two who really participated) found this idea great (think that it is funny to talk about) and maybe even began working on it (asked someone else to think about it). Nothing else is known about them, as they disappeared soon after the first experiments were held.

The main problem this project has is that, in fact, nobody knows how to create an app. In addition to this, there is no money, as most of it was spent on Ferraris, that were supposed to bring more money but didn't. Finally, some people think that it might be harmful for the environment (nobody cares).

The project is currently being discussed (some users still post random spam on the forum) and with a certain probability the app is going to be created in nearby future (it is never going be to created but some people do think about it).

Biopic
Alas, an actual Biopic for SEPTEMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Today, the Biopic will be on a man who carries the identity, MrC. He was doing some hardcore crunches while he was surfing the IRC and thus we gained a little more info this is a run on sentence fuk yea murica.

His origin: "Some Uncyclopedians messed around in another channel recently. After hearing all the stories and rumors, I figured I'd like to see for myself."

Previously, in the past, Uncyclopedia has done a project called Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization, which mimics is a battle against crap-quality articles. We recently have finished the colonization of Albert Einstein, because fuck we didn't need a good article on him before amiright?

Anyways I'm telling you this because it would be soooo sweet if we could get this running again... and I kinda need Xamralco or any other admin to combine histories again because I just found out I shouldn't have moved the project myself...

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Wow a third week of using the same entry in a row? GEEZ.

Biopic
Nahhh. I don't really feel like it!

From The Logs
• 13:13, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked WolfganKix (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Wolfgan's arse is going to get Kix if he doesn't stop making accounts here.)
• 13:12, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked JanetteMelton (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (You brought your girlfriend with you? How sweet. She can fuck off too once she's tossed me off.)
• 13:11, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked AndreBecker (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (OMG A SPAMBOT! I've missed seeing you around man. Where you been these past few days? It's been so emotional. Okay, emotional reunion is over. Now fuck off.)

Incoming October bullshitBy Sir Peasewhizz
So apparently, October follows September. As we all know, Halloween follows September. This means that I get to make a suggestion, amirite?

So I was thinking long and hard one day (which was literally five minutes not twenty-four hours) about something cool we could do for Halloween this year. No, I don't mean egg your neighbor's house... I was thinking maybe we could feature something on Halloween?

Okay yes, I know this is something we basically do every year, and I know you are reading this preparing to accuse me of filling space... and you'd be right.

Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, the USP?[edit]

As we all know, a Texan man has brought the Ebola virus to the United States of America. And as country, we are all freaking out. Even Obama, who never freaks out, has freaked out. He now refuses to kiss Michelle because he has become a germophobe.

Anywho, we here at Uncyclopedia have determined that Ebola can be avoided by simple measures. We encourage everyone to wash their hands, especially after ferocious masturbation. Remember kids, diseases come for hookers. So stay away from hookers as well.

Biopic
Nahhh. I don't really feel like it again!

From The Logs
• 12:34, September 25, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked 178.137.80.72 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (dickery)
• 15:07, September 28, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked 23.231.7.217 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (The Maitri Inthusut has ordered us to block editing permanently for all residents of the Phuket Province.)
• 13:39, September 28, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked Leanna Hollway (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (she wouldn't go the "holl way" with me)

Donate your soul to Uncyclopedia!By Sir PeasewhizzBefore time began there was the cube. Wait, hold on... yeah wrong script. Okay, let's start again. Before the internet was cool, there was no Uncyclopedia. This is because before Uncyclopedia was a website, there was this awful site for information that anybody could edit called Wikipedia. There was also catfishes and cocks.

That all changed back in 2005. When Uncyclopedia was established/founded/spawned/born/emerged/created, the internet took off. Not literally, but metaphorically... or something. The fact remains that the world, with the introduction of Unyclopedia, began to gain faith in the internet. The Amish began to use electricity after Uncyclopedia was established!

And our legacy could fade away; not unlike my basketball trick shot.

All jokes aside, Uncyclopedia may be content-free, as one could say, but it is not free to run. Uncyclopedia runs on a server and this requires money. We don't mean like the billions Obama requires, but it still needs a bit of money to be a legendary thing.

How does Wikipedia stay up then? Well, we're not Wikipedia. We're run by no employees and we're instead run by dedicated users who spend their time editing/fucking with the site that they love. Uncyclopedia is nearly ten years old, so it's not like the joy of "uncyclopediating" isn't real. It's in the Webster Dictionary.

Not every one is rich either, in fact, we're all kinda bland. Money doesn't grow on trees. Now we're not gonna hold you for ransom and we sure as hell aren't going to guilt you into donating to our cause... but think about the children that would starve without us!

Biopic
You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it!

From The Logs
• 05:54, November 7, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked DickSankthptxd with an expiry time of infinite (talk | contribs) (his dick sank)
• 22:48, October 29, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked 50.115.173.177 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (made me read some gay book)
• 15:45, October 29, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked Zficysll (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Why bother trying to spam Uncyclopedia? If you're as good with girls as you are at hitting abuse filters then I'm sure you'll have no problem getting laid.)

It's that time of the year again! We're going to be showing off our Top Ten Articles of 2014 soon but so far, very few people have voted. It's all up to you to decide what's the best of the best! Go to Forum:Top 10 Articles of 2014 and vote now! --SirXamRalcothe Mediocre 02:21, 30 January 2015 (UTC)

I haven't seen you sign up for [Monkey]. I know that was an oversight on your part. I will forgive you once you sign up. I'll cut off one of your family members fingers every hour until you do. YEAY!!! happy times. If you cannot participate...you can always be a judge. The more judges...the better! ShabiDOO 16:39, 31 July 2015 (UTC)

Please look at my talk page. You and Grammar can decibe between yourselves who does in depth judging and who does light judging. ShabiDOO 04:18, 3 August 2015 (UTC)

Hey Spaceman, Just thought I'd remind you that you still have 2 more reviews to do for HMC. 05:41, 6 August 2015 (UTC)

Sorry about that, I didn't realise you already have done the reviews. 07:15, 6 August 2015 (UTC)

Hey spaceman. Thanks a lot for judging. I appreciate the time you took and even a few lines of constructive criticism. Happy Monkey will give you a sweet golden shower as a thanks. ShabiDOO 19:42, 6 August 2015 (UTC)

Also if you have a moment...please do a quick check over the scores to make sure there weren't any notable errors (that means no tweaking the results but let me know if there is a serious problem with the scores you gave). ShabiDOO 19:44, 6 August 2015 (UTC)

I just realized I completely forgot to thank all the judges for taking time out of their "busy" schedules to read all of the happy monkey entries. Especially mine since it was the size of a small island nation. So thanks ths. For judging and reading and everything. (And for judging mine as pretty good. Appreciate it!) TheWoodburninatorMinimal Effort™ 17:52, 15 August 2015 (UTC)

You're welcome, I actually gave yours the highest score among the entries. You did a good job. ~[ths]UotM 17:55, 08/15/2015

I forgot to add a reference to the movie Hot Tub Time Machine in my article. Since I was too busy playing Wolfenstein 3D, I don't have a time machine now. How the hell am I ever going to fix this mess?