Navigating the World as a Trans Ally and Activist

Category: Transgender

This weekend Rose and I attended the Philadelphia Trans-Health Conference. It was our second year going and we were quite excited to see all the wonderful people we had met the year prior. We were equally excited that we would be bringing our awesome friend J who had told us right before our 1st conference that he, too, was trans. It would be his first year and we couldn’t wait for him to be able to relax a bit and feel like he belonged completely.

When we walked into the conference Rose was immediately recognized by none other than Aydian Dowling himself. She was on cloud 9 as he called to her by name and commented on how tall she had gotten and how long her hair had grown since he’d seen her last year. You see, she is completely, totally and madly in love with Aydian!

As we moved around we met up with Jason Ballard (Founder of FTM Magazine). He and his wife commented on how much taller she was and how awesome her hair was and just generally caught up on life. (They really are an adorable couple). We met up with some of our less famous but MAJORLY important friends as well, like Kathryn. We just got into our Conference Groove. Even though I sat in on so many presentations last year I know there was still more of my daughter’s world that I need to learn how to navigate so I took off to sit in on some sessions while my mini-celeb child hung out with Kathryn, her Uncle Corey and numerous other grown ups who absolutely love and admire her. She even got to hang out and chat with Sophie Labelle (creator of the Assigned Male comics).

Later that night came the pizza/pool party with Jazz Jennings who, you guessed it, remembered Rose from last year and was amazed at how much she had changed. Jazz barely had to lean down this year to match Rose’s height and the change in her is amazing as well.

On Saturday, as the conference was ending, we hung out with Skylar Kergil (an amazing musician… check him out if you don’t know who he is already). He too remembered Rose and was having a blast talking to J who had met him just the day before and was already being asked to perform at the conference with him next year!!! I was a very proud stand in mom for J as his own mother had to leave earlier that day! (How awesome do they all look in their Trans Proud shirts!?)

When we returned to our hotel room that night I made a comment, never know that it would be semi-prophetic.

I sat with Kathryn, J, Rose and a new friend (Luigi) and made the comment “We’re all standing here in our “THIS IS WHAT TRANS LOOKS LIKE”, “Pretty Fly for a Trans Guy” and “OMG KAREN. YOU CAN’T JUST ASK PEOPLE WHAT’S IN THEIR PANTS” shirts and we have not a care in the world. How safe will we feel tomorrow walking through the city in shirts like these now that the conference is over!?” Everyone kinda acknowledged how much different “tomorrow” would be and we moved on to talking about where we’d eat dinner.

Then came Sunday. We heard there was a shooting at Pulse in Orlando. We went about eating breakfast, packing our bags, checking out of the hotel and planning whether we’d march in the Philly Pride Parade that day. We decided to find Nellie Fitzpatrick (from the mayor’s office) and see if we could march with her. We were given the go ahead, then the REAL news reached our ears. The news that this was the LARGEST mass shooting in history. There were 50 people dead and (at that point) 40 known injured. We were out on the streets of Philly where there was no shielding Rose from overhearing the news that EVERYONE was talking about. I waited to see what reaction she would have to the news. I thought I would see terror in her eyes at the though of still marching in the parade. That was not the reaction that she had. My 10-year-old grabbed her flag (the largest one we could find the street vendors selling) and got behind the Mayor’s float (after taking a few groupies of course. My daughter raised her flag as high as she could with PRIDE, with appreciation for the lives that had been lost, in solidarity with her LGBTQIA family.

We have talked a LOT since leaving Philly late Sunday afternoon. We have voiced our fear, our sadness, our outrage and our love. We mourn those who were lost as well as those who still may die. We grieve for their family and friends who have felt the impact of this tragedy so deeply and will continue to feel it long after the world at large forgets and moves on. Once all the vigils and the social media posts come to an end, they will still be there. It will still be a part of their every day life. They will still grieve.

Rose and I (as well as many others in the LGBTQIA community at large) have made vows to not let our fear or anger have a negative impact on our world. We will instead turn that fear, grief and anger towards speaking out more, being more visible, being more vigilant when we encounter others who need our help and to spread more love in our daily lives.

We will do so in honor of all those who died in Orlando on June 12, 2016 as well as all of those in the LGBTQIA community (named and unnamed) who have been the victims of hate and violence.

I know many churches think that adopting an accepting and affirming stance will drive people away. I wrote this piece to (hopefully) show that it can also bring people BACK or even bring new people in.

I often see a lot of anger towards us Allies. Not JUST from those who are opposed to the LGBTQIA “lifestyle” but from the LGBTQIA community itself. They feel, maybe correctly, that allies try to talk over them or make themselves out to be THE VOICE of all in the LGBQIA community. I hope that is never me. IF it is then call me out on it!

It is my job to SUPPORT the community. As someone who is pansexual (not my own term) I am TECHNICALLY a part of the community, but I just don’t feel like I am the one being attacked. Maybe because pansexuality isn’t as advertised when those who oppose the community speak out against them.

Right now my child is 10. She needs me to fight for her until she can fight for herself. It is my job to make sure she has as safe of an existence as possible. It is my job to teach her how to speak for herself and plug her into opportunities that give her the chance to do so. I will do so with no apologies … to anyone. It is not my goal to “exploit” her. If she wanted to speak up for any other community (learning disabled, congenital heart defects, etc) which she is a part of I wouldn’t hold back, I will not hold back because the community she wants to represent is the Transgender community.

A few weeks ago we were put in touch with a Documentary photographer by another friend with a transgender child. He is doing a photo documentary about transgender children around the world. He wants to show that being trans TRANScends culture, race, religion etc.

ANYWAY. We scheduled our shoot for yesterday and Rose LOVED it. She was really nervous at first because she wasn’t sure how to be a model, but she is a natural! When he interviewed her I couldn’t believe that she was my child. She was so eloquent and really opened up about her journey thusfar.

Our pastor was there with us and after listening to the interview would like to do a story on Rose featuring Paule’s photographs for the church. Rose really will change the world, even if it is just HER world.

Paule uses film rather than digital so the actual shots will not be ready for about 2 weeks. He sent me some of the ones he took using his iphone just so he could show Rose what the composition looked like. Here are the 5 he sent to me via email last night.

This bathroom thing, the one I said could get violent on my FB page, it has.

Some may not view it as violence by “the other side”, but I do.

The past few days I have woken up to posts that include the following:

“My MTF daughter took her life today, my heart will never be the same….”

“Today is the second day in a row that I woke to the news that we have a lost another young person to suicide. My heart and thoughts go out to the family”

“My Child: Mom, no one’s going to kill you will they?
Me: What?
Her: Because you’re speaking out for equality. The angry people won’t do to you like what happened to Martin Luther King Jr. will they? ”

A group I am part of had to hustle to get a youth who was attempting suicide help last night.

Our children are dying, they’re afraid of being killed and they’re afraid that we will be killed for standing up for their right to PEE. TO PEE!!!

Maybe you’re new to this journey and maybe you’re one of the lucky ones (like I was) and have seen nothing but support from friends and family. Buckle up sweetie! I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is a VICIOUS world out there and you need to prepare yourself and child for it!

Here are just a few screen shots from today (and this isn’t even close to the worst):

Asaf Orr posted this on his page today:

“I am begging you to believe me when I say suicide contagion is real, and that the way we talk about this matters.”

Though the suicide attempt rates for trans people were already around 41%, this number will increase while we fight these “bathroom issues”.

If you know someone who is considering suicide please help them reach out!

It is a tradition at R’s school. We have gone every year since 1st grade. This year I handed the reigns to daddy. It was bittersweet. I am SO proud of how far she has come since this year last time. Last year the dance was the Friday right before she went into school as R instead of T. The difference in her smile is HUGE. The difference in her confidence is HUGE and she is SO happy that her daddy is going with her. Here are pics from the 2 years (1st one is last year with me and 2nd is this year with daddy {don’t mind his face…he always looks like that haha})