The Dam of my Mind

A look inside the mind of a teenager who thinks she's going crazy. It's just hormones, right?

Submitted:Feb 13, 2013
Reads: 43
Comments: 1
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I am thinking, thinking, thinking. .
. The whole process repeats itself like a broken record. I
think so much that I can't even remember what I'm thinking about.
I think about trying NOT to think. I hate it when this happens,
and I don't know why it happens. I can't even remember when I
started. A few day ago, maybe? I am a sixteen-year-old girl in
high school; what big problems are supposed to be nagging at my
cranium? Maybe it's anxiety? Or maybe just hormones. . . the
confusing, mentally exhausting, murky hormones that make my brain
feel like mush.

Faint thoughts race around my mind
like little rats; I should probably be studying for those quizzes
that I have today, how am I supposed to live in the present with
all this obsessional thought, am I doing something to cause this,
I only want to think about my girlfriend, how are you supposed to
do that when you should be focusing on your studies, what about
writing that book, you're overthinking your life away, remember
to write in your journal tonight, gotta look for a job for the
summer, what ever happened to volunteering, hey, remember that
time--. . .

There isn't enough time in the day
for all this. I also can't focus on just one thing though. It's
so confusing when I get like this, what's wrong with me and how
do I get out of it? My mind seems to want to process all this
information at once. Is this happening because I'm actually
doing my work to get better grades? Oh, right. Grades. I
forgot to study last night. I should be doing that now. But I
can't. I'm stuck inside my own head and can't possibly focus on
studying right now. God, this is frustrating. Then suddenly I
stop.

Sitting here in front of my computer
in class with nothing to do, I pull out my binder from my pink
back-pack beside me. I get out a sheet of paper and pen and
begin to write:

I am underwater, flowing with the
swift current that pulls me down a wide, endless river. It's the
river of my thoughts, my emotions, my memory; clear, calm, and
it's turns around bends are sharp. It's flowing with the present.
Not the past, not the future, but the present situations, and I
am flowing with them. Then, slowly but surely, the current begins
to stop pulling, and I am left to sink deeper and deeper into the
depths of the river. My feet touch the bottom, feeling mud and
rocks inbetween my toes. I stand there for a few moments, knowing
something is wrong and the current was supposed to keep flowing.
I begin to swim up to the top, stretching my arms up and kicking
my legs, fighting the pressure of being so deep. It gradually
begins to become easier to swim up, pulling me up faster and
faster.

Finally I emerge at the top and
breathe the air into my lungs deeply. My head slightly hurts from
the sudden decrease in pressure, and I am dazed. I swim up to the
riverbank and crawl up the muddy ground, and collapse onto my
back, taking in the green scenery of the trees above me, and the
blue sky behind them. Then I stand up and look around. To my
left, there is a huge dam wall blocking the waterway. I blink and
my mouth drops open a little at the sudden surprise. I look down
at the dark blue river. Where it should be flowing down, it's
swirling beside the wall, and beginning to slowly flood the banks
on both sides. This isn't good. I walk around, my feet squishing
the mud and water with every step, trying to look for a lever,
button, anything to open or break the wall.

I find nothing. The river is flooding
the banks heavier now, the water flowing over the grass and
around the trees. I can't go anywhere with this wall in the way.
I suddenly feel anger growing up inside me. I look and see
hand-sized rocks below me, and pick them up and throw them at the
dam wall that was at least one hundred feet tall. The rocks do
nothing but bounce off it like rubber balls. I scream at it to go
away, and as if the wall had human emotions, it ignored me and
did nothing. Didn't even move an inch. Panting and losing hope, I
look down at the water. It's up to my knees now, feeling dirty
and murky from the dirt mixed in it. I slip myself into the water
on my back and float to the middle of the river again, tired of
my pointless efforts. I let the water submerge me again, and a
slowly float back down towards the bottom. For what seemed like
hours, I finally reached the bottom again. I lay there, on the
river's floor, wondering why it had stopped here. Why that big
wall had to block our way. Little minnows circle around me. No,
I'm not food little minnows.

Suddenly, I feel a gentle tug at my
body. Then it got stronger and stronger, the minnows swimming
away in the same direction. I was being pulled forward. I
struggle to a standing position and try to fight it, at this rate
that current would pull me into the wall underneath the water and
knock me unconcious. But it's too fast, too strong, and I lose
all control and have no choice but to let the river drag me down
it once again. For a moment, I shut my eyes tightly and waited
for the hard impact of the wall to smash the back of my head, but
it never came.

I continue down the river, feeling
the familiar natural rush of the water pulling me through life
without a single thought about and, and my mind slips away to the
ignorant joy of the moment.

I finish writing and put my things
away, take a deep breath and let it out. It'll pass, I think to
myself. Just like the dam. All I have to do if stop trying and
let my mind do it's thing. I submerge myself in a book and let
the words flow through my head as I read.