Simple advice. Is it really so simple? No. The tools you must have are confidence and knowing what you like and deserve so well that you can change your decision in a flash. To avoid the pain of a guy who cannot or will not give you what you need.

I know I can walk into a room, pick a guy I want and have it proceed or not proceed exactly how I want. This is not arrogance. It’s confidence. This is me knowing who I am so well that I will watch a mans’ actions and decide whether I want to get to know him better. On the spot. If I decide that I want to get to know him better, I communicate what I want and then see if he produces. Every woman deserves this.

I recently went on vacation with my best friend Mary Ann. We had so much fun. Some girlfriends were having a party and we invited attractive guys to it. A few years ago I would have been too shy to do this, but now if a friend sees a cute guy I will approach him and invite him and his friends to our parties. It’s so fun. I love helping my girlfriends meet fun, cute men! We were swimming in the ocean and I noticed a seriously hot guy. Tall, gorgeous smile and boy works out. I swam up to him and invited him to the party. I’m thinking to myself, yeah…I could play with you. His name was Eric. As we were flirting my other girlfriends swam up and started enjoying Eric as well. I was a little irritated at first. Then I became amused. What woman wouldn’t find Eric hot? For things to proceed for me the guy needs to give me all his attention. He can’t be putting attention on me, then going to someone else, then coming back to me, etc. That doesn’t make me feel beautiful. It makes me feel “next in line.” Which doesn’t fly with me.

Tip #1: It’s fine to approach men in social situations. If you feel like you can invite them into your circle of friends safely, fine too. Be aware of their actions. You can still let them come to you. If you are surrounded by your friends and he is evenly talking to everyone? He may still like you or he may be waiting things out to make HIS selection on who he likes the best. Remember YOU are the chooser. Even when he makes up his mind it’s you, decide whether he is YOUR choice.

Fast forward a few hours later at the party. There was a young hot little stud who was making eye contact, talking and flirting with me. I joined my best friend Mary Ann and she says “That boy is cute that is checking you out.” I agreed. I also noted he was flirting with whatever girl was in his orbit. I’m already done. One minute he’s grinding some girl on the dance floor, the next trying to make eye contact with me. No thanks.

Tip #2: If you’re in a social situation, note the guys that are checking you out. Let them come to you. Until they come to you, notice if they are flirting with everything that moves. If that kind of challenge “winning” the guy every girl wants is for you-that’s fine. A lot of girls get into that game. I don’t. It’s a preference.

Which brings me to our moonlit swim party in the ocean at midnight. Absolute blast!!! I was swimming with my girlfriends and Eric and a friend of his, Cary, saw us and waded up to us. Eric thanked us for inviting them to the party. They had an amazing time and thought the swim was a great idea too. Still thinking Eric is hot I start flirting with him. All my friends want him though, so I let it go. I start talking to Eric’s friend Cary. We had a nice conversation and he is putting ALL of his attention on me. I like this. I decide to tell him a specific want to see if he produces. I say, “I love how men are protectors. I like a man who makes me feel safe.” So we’re all getting out of the water and it’s freezing! He picks up a towel and puts it around me. He also uses his body to shield me from the cool wind that has picked up. I give him a smile of appreciation and say “protection.” He says, “Yeah…you said you liked that.”

Tip #3: You have control over what guy you choose. When you know what you want from a guy and know exactly how you want to be cherished, you can communicate it. If he produces and acts in a way that makes you feel beautiful it’s so good. You can start to feel safe and he can show you ways he likes you.

Keep grounded in the things that are deal breakers for you. Even when he is producing. This will allow you to enjoy a man while keeping your eyes wide open. It keeps you from getting too involved too quickly. Which leaves you open for hurt. Remember: Just because a guy wants to have sex with you doesn’t mean he likes you. Guys always want to have sex with you! The guy who earns your trust is the one who, over time, gives you what you need to feel safe, cherished and beautiful. The prize for him is winning your love and trust.

9 thoughts on “Choosing The Guy You Want”

Here’s one of My Tips: Don’t mistakenly think that 1 guy is EVER going to be able to fill ALL of your desires/needs. If you appreciate, accept, and have him for what he IS able to do, you can release yourself from being disappointed in what he is NOT capable of doing.

My Motto: From each according to abilities; to each according to My Desires (a little play on Marx & Engels).

Here’s another of My Tips: Don’t get caught up in “forever fantasy” thinking. Be IN THE MOMENT and enjoy what is available from each person NOW.

nicely said. i want my daughter to read this. correct thinking brings correct results. choosing someone that does not want what you want, that does not meet your requirements, will not lead to the results you desire. and there is no argument to your statement that guys want sex anyway. some guys think of sex as a way to get to know you, to find out if you make him feel safe and i don’t know if beautiful is the right word, eh? some guys are still to reserved to engage in sex until there is a serious emotional attachment. then there are also guys that don’t want to get to know you, or talk any more than required to get you into bed and then forget you. and you don’t know which type to whom you are talking when you meet. good luck. it’s a jungle out there. these tips are very good guideposts.

I always feel awkward when I find blog posts like these. For example the last part about a man always wanting to have sex with a women? Sure in general this is probably true but is still a generalization. I don’t understand the desire for someone like that however. You’re not special in that situation – you just happen to be there and that’s not the same qualities I’d look for in a women.

What I’m trying to say is we’re not all like that and many of us deal with the exact same things.

Hi Shy,
Please don’t feel awkard reading this blog. I understand why you feel awkward. I wasn’t trying to make guys out to be bad. I wrote it for women. Not men. It was written as a kick in the butt for women who so easily fall into bed with a guy and then wonders why he acts different after. I wrote this for men AND women: http://bitchlifestyle.com/2010/07/giving-you-a-hot-sexy-shot-of-testosterone/ I wrote this to honor men in a way that women could understand. Men need to be honored more in society…the good ones! What do you think? Love, Goddess