And, yes I admit openly that I like the show enough that I notice the furniture…It’s been a while since there was any risk of me being cool anyway. Seriously, the last time I knew what cool was it involved people strutting their stuff wearing backwards baseball caps and neon T’s. Don’t get me wrong, I was never cool enough to actually wear them myself, but I could totally identify cool in the past. Not anymore. Now, as my niece’s rolled eyeballs reminded me the other day, I don’t even have enough stuff to strut. I could sway it slightly…

Me – Hey, did your new band poster come in?

(FYI, this would be the one that I ordered for her on-line. Ok, asked her mom to order for her, then wrote a cheque for because I hate pay-pall and refuse to be forced into this century with online purchasing. What was wrong with poster stores?)

Niece(Who shall remain nameless. Well not really nameless because her mom says I can’t take away her name due to the inconvenient fact that she’s not my kid and because she’s pretty sure you can’t go around without a name.) – Yah.

Me – Can I see it?

Niece – Ok. <deeply sighing>

Me <Looking at a picture of Blood on the Dance Floor – seriously I couldn’t make that up – and realizing I’m officially old enough to ‘not get’ a whole generation of music.> – Oh, they’re goth.

Niece <Eyes rolling so deeply back into her head I was worried I might need to do some sort of ill-defined eye-based fist aid.> – No. Auntie. They are the opposite of goth.

Me <Deeply ok with not being cool.> – No honey. I’m the opposite of Goth.

Anyway, an amazing friend found these chairs at an auction (Pretty sure they were set pieces. Are so! Don’t ruin this for me.) and thought of me. For the record, it is always ok to think of me when you find geeky Stargate related things. As soon as I get these cleaned off they are so going to be my favourite new writing chairs. Who couldn’t be inspired while sitting on a Goa’uld throne?

Writing Exercise:

My cat talks to me. Not in actual words, but in the way she looks at me, and in the interpretations I give her actions. (Usually her voice sounds remarkably like mine…) Today, spend five minutes watching your pet in an activity – prowling, eating, running, playing, silently judging you…whatever. (If you don’t have a pet, most communities have a dog park so go watch a stranger’s pet, then give that animal a voice. (If it helps, actually start talking to yourself in their voice…this is better done out of earshot of those who may not understand the creative process.) Once you have found their voice write down what you think your pet is saying. They may be having a conversation, or thinking, or just rambling, but I bet you’ll find a story there. Spend fifteen minutes telling your pet’s story. Happy writing.

Sharing:

Head up I lowered my lashes to the rain causing the world to flicker in and out of focus. The view at my feet was clearer, but what I was looking for couldn’t be found by looking down. So I looked up and out through the flicker, obscured but searching.

This is a seagull I like that has nothing to do with this post. I just like him. And he looks well rested and in good focus, unlike my mind currently.

I’m in a strange place and so tired I couldn’t find my way back to my hotel room without directions. Not find my hotel mind you, but the room, within the hotel. When I finally got back to my room I spent five frantic minutes searching for my driver’s license. Earlier in the day I had demagnetized my room key and couldn’t find my id to prove who I was so they would let me back into my room. Thankfully I found my passport and that took that. But it did lead to my desperate search, which would have been much shorter if I hadn’t been so tired that my brain stopped working.

Brain – Go to sleep.

Me – I have to finish this work.

Brain – I’ve prevented your fingers from functioning to make you give up on work, don’t make me take out any of your other bodily functions.

Me – I don’t know where my id is, I have to search for it.

Brain – I’ve turned off higher reasoning.

Me – Why isn’t my id in the bathroom?

Brain – I just told you, I’ve turned off your higher reasoning.

Me – Maybe I put it in the pocket of the pants I wore yesterday for safe keeping.

Brain – Maybe higher reasoning wasn’t the best choice, on my part, here have it back, but I’m giving you a huge headach.

Me – Ow.

So long story short, I found it…in my wallet…right where I left it, and now I have a headache. Plus I feel really bad about judging the guy on the plane who held up our flight (for over an hour) because he lost his id. Ok, I feel a little bad at least. After all I lost my id in the hotel room, and inconvenienced myself. He lost his id between the top of the gangway (where he showed it) and his seat. How do you lose your id walking down and empty hall and sitting down? And he inconvenienced a whole plane full of people while they deplaned him and his luggage, which of course had been loaded first so they had to unload everyone’s luggage to get to it. But I got to watch a movie on the complimentary ear-buds that the airline gave us for our inconvenience, so you know, silver lining.

Writing Exercise:

You’re trapped on a plane. No, don’t panic, I don’t mean right now (this is just pretend). The AC is broken, and they won’t let you leave (after all its just a slight technical delay that will be resolved soon). Four hours later you, and two hundred sweaty strangers are still stranded. Ok I’ve set the scene, now what would you do? Are you the heroic person who has a fit and finally pulls the emergency door open, then dumps tiny cups of water down the inflatable slide to create a slip and slide of freedom? Do you start taking stewardesses hostage until they reveal the location of the tiny cans of coke and extra peanuts? Or, do you start a revolt, declare the plane a sovereign nation and send a petition to the flight crew that their presence in your country is a threat to national security and if they don’t leave you will have to protest to the UN? Did I mention I’m tired? Anyway, spend twenty minutes trapped on a plane (in pretend world), pen in hand, and see what happens. Happy writing.

Have you ever seen an animal on the discovery channel and thought, “Really? That’s the best design they could come up with?” or “How is that an evolutionary benefit?” Then I think maybe, just maybe the gods might get a bit bored now and again. Can you imagine having to come up with thousands of new and unique animals for the creation of the Earth? That had to get dull. So, what better way to lighten things up then with a few games of Yahtzee – Animal Kingdom version. Rather than numbers, the dice could have animal features…

“I’m way ahead in score…you could concede.”

<clacking of dice shaken in a Yahtzee cup – Animal Kingdom version>

“No way. Common dice, I need an enormous size roll for that 50 point bonus.”

<clatter of dice rolled on a melamine table top>

“Skinny legs, big head, bald looking, herding animal, land and water…What am I going to do with that? <sigh> Scratch.”

“What? You should score it against the ‘elegant graceful water animal’ category. It’s all you have left and aquatic’s hard to come by…”

“What? No way, I totally feel the aquatic vibe in the dice. I’m rolling the perfect platypus next round. Scratch.”

<clacking of dice…clatter >

“Medium-sized, Fins, Solitary, Intelligent…Land-based. Arrrrgggggh!“

Writing Exercise:

I love to read news stories about the strange creatures found by scientists each year. They make me feel that the creatures I create in my writing are possible, if not likely. Seeing the weird and wonderful things that exist make me wonder what else could be out there, and what better to fire me up to write than something that makes me wonder?

Create a creature. Imagine that you’re a scientist, you’ve travelled to some far off land, or deep into the sea to discover new and likely-endangered creatures. What does it look like? What makes it strange? Why does it have that strange characteristic? Will you be rich for discovering it? Spend ten minutes exploring the improbable.

NB. If you’re having difficulty with a place to start, choose a sub-set of animals that has a specific set of characteristics that you must include, then explore from there. For example molluscs are quite varied, but all of them have a mantle, shell and foot.

After 6pm, everything in my office turns off automatically. I may never know whether the building is telling me to go home and have a real life or the system is just conserving power. But, what I do know is that it’s totally creepy. I’ll be sitting at my desk and all the lights flicker off and on, just like it always does in the slasher flicks when the big bad is entering the building, or rounding the corner with a butcher’s knife. They say the flickering is a reminder to anyone still in the building to walk over and re-set the timer. But isn’t there always a perfectly simple explanation, in those movies, for all the creepy things; an explanation, just plausible enough, to convince the next victim to remain in their dangerous and isolated position?

If the lights thing isn’t enough to creep you out, and it should be, (Seriously, how brave are you?) the building also goes silent at 6pm. I don’t mean people have gone so there’s no more talking and moving about. Nope, all the buzzing, humming and wooshing noises that the building usually makes go away. At first I thought…”well that’s good, it’ll be way easier to hear someone sneaking up behind me with a butcher’s knife”. But there is no way to overstate how creepy silence can be. Sure in movies there is the ominous music, and that freaks me out, but I think silence is worse somehow. Maybe just the proof becasue it is proof that no one is there to hear you scream?

PS. I’ve been told the sounds go away because the ventilation system automatically turns off. Like that supposed to be better? Now it’s not just the somewhat-imaginary big bad that I have to worry about, but the whole building is actually trying to kill me slowly by asphyxiation. Great.

PPS. I’m now told that no one is trying to kill me and that I’m paranoid. Well FYI, you can be paranoid and still have people trying to kill you; they are not mutually exclusive.

PPPS. I think I may be working too much…and where are all these bad guys getting butcher’s knives?

Writing Exercise:

The mood of tv shows and movies is set, in great part, by the score. Sure the actors and writers have a great deal to do with it too, but the musical accompaniment and sound effects can take something silly and make it scary and vice versa. When done subtly, viewers may not even realize there is music playing to set the scene; we just feel the emotions rising.

Test this for yourself. Take a show you find frightening and turn off the volume. (This works better in a scene where there isn’t dialogue.) I’ll wait…

There, see? Way less scary.

I’ve found that the sound track that’s playing when I write can affect me, and the scene I’m writing, as much as the score of my favourite movie affects me as a viewer. This can be the music I’m actually listening to or the soundtrack that plays in my head (they sometimes appear with a scene, entering like an unexpected character). Does music affect your writing?

Choose several upbeat songs that inspire you to happiness. While listening to the songs, begin writing a scene. (If you need help to get a scene going, try one of the writing prompts from a previous post.) After five minutes, switch to a pre-prepared set of songs that you find frightening, dark or violent, and continue to write the same scene. After ten minutes (or longer if you’re in the groove) stop and re-read what you wrote, noting when the music changed.

Did the music throw you off or inspire you? Did the story change or twist as the music altered?

Happy writing.

Sharing: – I wrote the following as part of a scene that was inspired by the first time I wore a Sari. I was so excited, and I thought I looked beautiful, but I was convinced I was about to be naked any second because they are held on by friction, folds and wishful thinking.

I’m about to be naked. Not by choice. No, I am about to expose my lily white but begonia bumpy ass to the room because “Saris on white girls are hot.” One stumbling step was my downfall, then time slowed as yards of artfully folded fabric reverted to their natural state, trailing behind me like someone had spilled the sunset.

Have you ever looked down at your chest and gone “WTF, when did I eat mustard?” Well it might as well be a daily occurrence for me. As proof, I have officially stained my new white skirt. I have no idea how, but apparently something coffee coloured spilled on it (I don’t even drink coffee!). And, I’m refusing to throw the skirt away, because:

It’s a super comfortable skirt; and,

I haven’t gotten $29.99 worth of wear out of it yet. (True story, I’m cheaper than I am vain.)

Don’t get me wrong, a stain is still embarrassing, but I have a plan. Every time someone notices the stain I’m going to be all “what stain?”, then search, ‘find it’ and look all disappointed (I’m practicing the look in the mirror.)

The not-owning-white-cloths rule should extend to owning or even sitting on white furniture. I have a terror that I will sit down and then there will be a TV-style flash-forward to me (empty glass in hand) standing over the previously-white chesterfield now covered in cranberry juice.

Me – How the hell did I get cranberry juice?

Couch Owner – You asked for cranberry juice.

Me (Incredulous fury) – Never give me cranberry juice!

Couch Owner – Ok here’s some Clamato instead.

(Flash forward. Repeat.)

I worry about these things, because someone has to.

Writing Exercise:

What if your TV was alive? Consider how strange the world would look to a machine that we spend so much time staring at each day. Some people just stare, while others interact; yelling at characters and shows, asking why the picture is fuzzy, crying at a tragic plot twist. In your world does the machine know we watch stories on it, or does it perhaps think that we are interacting in some unexplainable way? Is the TV aware of the signals it receives and sends? Does it hear the stories coming from it and wonder where they are? Or, if it knows it is technology, does it fear the next generation with thinner screens and bigger resolution? Park yourself in a corner and spend ten minutes as a TV.