A Lack Of Peace…

My mom, bless her heart, calls me to say “So I’ve been thinking and I wonder if Andrew left because…” Maybe mom, maybe. The problem is, just like all your and everyone else’s theories, we don’t know. And I can’t just pick the one I like the best and suddenly feel like I understand why he left me. I appreciate her efforts to understand the situation and I appreciate everyone’s kindness and optimism but the reality remains that it’s been two weeks and there’s no sign of Andrew wanting or even trying to come back. At some point, we’re all going to have to stop hoping and praying and wishing and start moving on… And it kills me to say that because my heart misses him every second of every day…

On my doorstep is where he hugged me for the very first time and said “You’re real and you’re here”. In my kitchen was our second date where he cooked me dinner and also where he held me close and said “If I know one thing, I know what love is and I know I love you.” I see the living room where we spent many nights cuddling and watching movies. My car reminds me that the day after I brought it home we went on a road trip. His toothbrush still sits by the sink in my bathroom and the earring he lost in my bed still sits on the nightstand on his side. I think of the first time he met my dad and the rest of my family and how everyone took to him as if he’d always been part of the family…

And there’s not a day that someone doesn’t ask about him, a day where I don’t end up crying over a song or a memory… And the truth is, I know I have to start trying harder. I know I can’t keep telling myself that today will be the day he comes back. Sooner or later I have to come to terms with the facts… He hasn’t reached out, he hasn’t stopped by, he hasn’t asked to talk… The fact that he broke up with me, the fact that he wasn’t committed, the fact that I’m never going to have the luxury of understanding… The fact that heartbreak is just… Awful. It’s sad and horrible and it’s just unfair.

Sometimes all we can do is trust that God has a bigger plan and maybe this isn’t it. And as hard as it is to let go of the desire to understand, the want to reach out and to simply let it be… Sometimes that’s all we can do.

CC

One thought on “A Lack Of Peace…”

You are a very wise young person. Yes, God has a better plan and He “heals the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” You’ll get through this to something better. Keep on trusting in God, the One who will never leave you nor forsake you. My heart goes out to you, dear.