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Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 16:44:38 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1234
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=== 1234 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1234
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 16:44:25 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1234
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1229 70 votes 5clgg bon93 6ulb2 68jmf 47jsc aeoca 35pt8 7anic 4blnb 4dsh8
1229 3.2 mean 3.4 2.6 2.6 3.5 3.5 3.0 3.5 3.3 3.4 3.2
--- 1234-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle So Wise,
> Please bestow upon your unworthy supplicant a proof of Fermat's Last
> Theorem that will fit in the margin.
> Thank you.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} a^n + b^n != c^n for n greater than 2, and a, b, c are whole numbers.
}
} If a is a shirt, b is pants, it is impossible no matter how many
} suggestions n that I make that my lady will think I am telling her
} the truth and that she looks good enough to meet the expectation
} c that is inside her head. Only when it so happens that there is
} not enough time for the number of inquiries to go beyond two is
} it possible she will be satisfied with what I choose.
}
} As repayment for your inquiry, please give a hug to the next human
} being to walk within range of your arms.
}
} Cheers.
--- 1234-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> So you have roosters, chickens, and hens. Who's having sex with who?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I don't see what the livestock has to do with anything, but Who is
} going to lose his job as First Baseman if he doesn't learn to be more
} discreet when pleasuring himself.
--- 1234-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Are you going to disemvowel him?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Y_s, _ _m g__ng t_ t_k_ _w_y _v_ry l_st v_w_l th_t h_ h_s.
} _nf_rt_n_t_ly, _t _s _ _n_v_rs_l s_tt_ng, wh_ch c__ld c__s_ h_v_c f_r
} _v_ry_n_ _ls_.
}
} Y__ _w_ th_ _r_cl_ _ w_y t_ _s_ th_ l_tt_r 'y' _nst__d _f _ny v_w_l.
--- 1234-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, whose imagination makes imaginary numbers real,
>
> How many ways can you cut a pi?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Really you can cut pi as many ways as you would ever want to, and more.
} Just don't be too picky about all the pieces being the same size...that
} would be irrational.
}
} You owe the Oracle more puns involving natural logarithms.
--- 1234-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Great and Humunguous Oracle, you are Oh So Smart.
> You are multitudinous, and even your Own Mother has
> trouble telling you apart, because of your clever
> disguises.
>
> How can I discover the Real Me?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Reality was banged out in the three seconds after the biggest bang.
} (quiet Lisa) In normal everyday life, the real "me" is obvious, but in
} the bathroom, it can be easy to lose track of it.
}
} 1) While shaving: When applying the shaving cream, the real me is the
} one that is three dimensional. Cool, flat me's are not normally real.
}
} 2) While singing in the shower: Go thee past Ray, but stoppest thou
} before Fa. So is right out.
}
} 3) When using the "facilities": Depending on the person, this can be
} hard to determine. The surest method is to wait until after flushing.
} The real you is almost always the one that doesn't dissapear at this
} point.
}
} 4) After a big party: The REAL you is the one with it's head resting
} on the toilet rim. Many wish that this weren't true, but it
} unfortunately is. The flush test works here as well, and should be
} applied often.
}
} Normally, merely asking this question is a symptom that you have too
} much of the material the "false" me is made up of (in items 3 and 4)
} inside of you, and it needs to be purged. A careful #3 or #4 session
} is desperately needed to cleanse these impurities, because if you're
} asking questions like this, you're full of them.
}
} You owe the Oracle the writings of Descarte and a laxative.
--- 1234-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great and stable Oracle, who never needs debugging, never
> blue-screens, and can serve many thousands of users without the
> slightest hint of a GPF...
>
> Is there an incantation that can defeat the unholy daemon of Microsoft,
> the evil lord Baghwan Bill, the false gateway to wisdom Gates?
>
> Or are we forever doomed to suff press any key to reboot, and send us $350 to renew your license>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Don't be silly, supplicant.
} Of course there's an incantation to fix all the bugs out of Windows,
} remove all the easter eggs from Office, and render Outlook and IE both
} stable and secure. It goes like so:
}
} First, you must cleanse the space. You do this by sweeping the area
} with an O'Reilly book while focussing your mind on purity of code and
} compile. Now, you must ground. With care, connect your anti-static
} wrist band to the ground point on your workb^H^H^H altar.
} Next, place your computer on the altar. Cast a circle around the
} machine by tracing around it seven times with your ritual hex-nut
} driver.
}
} Now, you must invoke the elements of computing. This can vary quite a
} bit - think grovel, and you'll about have it. The elements of computing
} are, in this order: North - Machine language and binary
} East - Compiling and linking
} South - Rebooting and POSTing
} West - Stability and security
}
} Now you must invoke the deities of computing. The favored ones for this
} are Woczniak of the hardware, and Lovelave of the software.
}
} Once you have completed this, you are ready to begin. Raise a cone of
} power and charge up the capacitor attached to your electromagnet. Take
} your ritual hex-nut driver and remove the hard drive from the possessed
} computer. Use your ritual electromagnet on the harddrive. You have
} cleansed it of demons now, but it is vulnerable. you must complete the
} ritual.
}
} Reinstall the hard drive. Take up the sacred linux install media, and
} raise up your new linux box.
}
} Once this is complete, it is traditional to share cakes and ale, or at
} the least pizza and dew, within the circle.
}
} Be sure to devoke the deities, uncast the circle and discharge the
} capacitor after you are done.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ritual hex-nut driver.
--- 1234-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh bountiful Oracle, whom I am unworthy to fathom the dew that forms on
> grass in the same ZIP code as he...
>
> How are you feeling today?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Mainly with my hands, as usual.
--- 1234-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Mr. Insanely Big Cheese type entity, the CEO and President of the Board
> of all knowledge....
>
> One day, I strive to be CEO of a really big computer company that
> already has a very ingenious, enigmatic, and charismatic leader. What
> can I do to best ensure my proper place in history?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You know, you don't have to become CEO of Microsoft to be universally
} hated for eternity. Just invent a TV remote which scurries away and
} hides in the rosebushes once a month and replaces itself on the table 3
} days later. Making it the industry standard should be easy, TV
} companies always want more obnoxious remotes.
}
} Good luck!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Monopoly. The game or Microsoft, it doesn't
} matter.
--- 1234-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why is it that the principal identifying ingredient of German chocolate
> cake is coconut? As far as I am aware, coconut is not a particularly
> well-known or significant portion of the German gross national product.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} While coconut may not be a particularly well known portion of the
} German gross national product, that's primarily because hardly anyone
} is interested in inspecting that product. If they were, they'd find
} that coconut features quite noticeably since the Germans are rather
} fond of chocolate cake.
}
} And in answer to your question, the coconut is the principal
} identifying ingredient because the flour, milk, sugar, chocolate,
} butter and eggs all are all digested much more completely than the
} coconut--this makes them much harder to identify in the resulting
} product.
}
} You owe the Oracle a report on your upcoming trip to the Berlin sewers
} and your subsequent analysis of the German's gross product.
--- 1234-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle, so wise in the ways of stuff,
>
> Why can't we just have peace in the world? Why does there have to be
> fighting and arguments and bickering over who got the biggest doughnut,
> and then puerile name-calling like "you fat pig", I mean why?
>
> Not that it was even such a great doughnut anyway. I think someone
> sucked out all the jelly beforehand.
>
> Thanks,
> A.N. Supplicant.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The human being passes through three phases, all of which contribute to
} war in the world. The "ME" "US" and "THEM." phases.
}
} During the first, or "ME" phase, each think only of ourselves. You try
} to get exactly what you want however you can. You wheedle, cajole,
} lie, cheat, steal, what have you. For most this phase lasts just a bit
} longer than it takes your parents to throw you out. But for some, it
} lasts indefinitely, possibly your whole life. These are the people you
} choose as leaders. Not because you particularly want them to be
} leaders, just to get them out of the way. Better they're lying to,
} cheating, and stealing from other groups than from yours. And maybe,
} they might throw you a few scraps along the way. Probably not, but you
} never know.
}
} Which brings us to "US." After your parents throw you out, you
} realise that everyone else is only after the same thing you are. Some
} of you form groups. Cliques, Gangs, Fraternities, Sororities,
} Political Parties, Factions, Ethnic groups, Countries, what have you.
} You form these groups on the principle that it's easier for a group of
} fifty to steal fifty portions of food from fifty individuals than it is
} for one individual to steal one portion of food from another. However,
} this life is a little tough, and you eventually get old. As do the
} people you're stealing from. Eventually you realise you need to come
} to a more formal arrangement.
}
} Which brings us to the "THEM" phase. This is the phase where you rely
} on others to do your fighting for you. The groups that have done well
} in the "US" phase will have built up a lot of "stuff," money, drugs,
} power, muscle, children, connections, what have you. Whereas the
} groups that have done poorly in the "US" phase will have built up a lot
} of emotions: anger, resentment, jealosy, pride, mistrust. You then
} pass these things on...ideally to your children, but really, to anyone
} else you can get your hands on. Anyone young, strong, idealistic,
} stupid, brave, compassionate, greedy, generous, what have you. Just as
} they're realising they would be smarter to be part of a group, you
} provide them a group to join. And then you sit back and watch them.
} And go all misty (or if you're Jewish, get all verklempt) as they
} follow exactly in your footsteps. And so the cycle continues.
}
} There are rumours of a forth phase, called "NOONE" or "ENLIGHTENMENT."
} This is the phase where you realise this is all a load of bollox, that
} people really could live in peace if the WANTED to, they just DON'T
} WANT TO. Most of you know little about this phase, because people who
} achieve it don't seem to last very long. For some reason it tends to
} lead to apathy, failure, disllusionment, depression, treatment, drugs,
} debt, suicide, what have you. Most of you steer well clear of this
} phase. It just sounds like one big downer.
}
} And that's it, really. You're afraid. Afraid of apathy, failure, what
} have you. You're afraid that if you stop fighting first, you'll lose,
} and the other guy will win. Or worse yet, that when you stop fighting
} there will be nothing left to do. Plain and simple.
}
} Almost makes you want to give it all up as a load of crap doesn't it?
}
} But that doughnut really does look good doesn't it?
} And don't worry about the jelly. I left plent of it for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Master's Degree in Philosophy.