2013: Emmitt on the Brink - Week 8

2013: Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.

PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS

By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Wednesday, Oct. 23, 2013

If you don't believe that success in the NFL stems from the front office, just look at the Miami Dolphins. Coming off a disastrous 1-15 campaign in 2007, Miami hired Bill Parcells to help turn the franchise around. By Year 4 in the Parcells era, the Dolphins advanced all the way to the AFC Championship, losing to the Patriots by a field goal.

However, by his own admission, Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga had to led go of Parcells for financial reasons.

"Now that we got good again, I have to let go of the Tuna," Huizenga said in a 2012 press conference. "With tons of season ticket holders locked in for years, I can now hire a cheaper GM and make more money. I figure that with a cheaper guy, I can make $500.1 million a year as opposed to $500 million. Ooohh! There's a penny on the ground! It's mine! It's mine! I call dibs!"

Huizenga subsequently traded away Pro Bowl quarterback Chad Henne and hired Mike Martz, who was desperate for a job after ruining St. Louis, Detroit, San Francisco and Seattle. Huizenga defended his coupon-clipping tactics.

"Hey, if I can save a couple of dollars... whoa, whoa whoa does anyone else see what I see there? It's a dime! I'm now 10 cents richer than all of you! Ha!" Huizenga said. "But anyway, if I can save a couple of dollars, it'll be a better situation for my family."

Huizenga then refused a follow-up question from a reporter who brought up the fact that the Dolphins owner sold his grandson to a North Korean slaving company for 20 bucks.

"Jeeeez Chrithhh!" Martz exclaimed. "Carr is like the most super awesome quarterback ever, guys! Little do you know that I've devised this awful combination so I can get Carr's organs to pop out of his body so I can sell them on the black market! Muhahaha! I mean, uhhh... who said that? I didn't hear anything. Jeeez Chrithhh!"

Though the Dolphins stand at just 1-5, Emmitt warned his team that Miami could provide a challenge Monday night.

"You cannot underestimitize the Miami Dolphin," Emmitt stated. "They have a break but does... does... do... are not bend defense."

And what about Carr?

"David Carr is a good NFL quarterback," Emmitt continued. "He throws short passes to his runnin' backs. He throw medium passes to his tight end. And he throw long passes to... uhh... the other guys who catch the football."

It sounds as though Emmitt has the Patriots prepared for an inferior opponent. I'm sure New England fans are glad to hear that their defense will be ready for Carr's passing versatility.

GOODELL CANCELS ALL GAMES TO HONOR HIMSELF

By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Sunday, Oct. 27, 2013

When Roger Goodell first became commissioner of the NFL, people questioned his loose suspension and fine policy. Many thought he was more of a dictator than a commissioner, slapping hundreds of players with fines ranging from $1,000 to $500,000. Well, if those people knew what was coming in the future, they would have considered Goodell a softie back then.

In 2010, Goodell prohibted all fans from standing up during games. Those who had to go to the bathroom were forced to do their business at their seat. Anyone caught standing up was throwin in jail and given a fine of $200,000. The following year, Goodell petitioned the U.S. government to issue the death penalty to any player or coach who criticized the officials, but was denied. Last season, Goodell had his patented TV Spy Cameras installed in every single television set in this country. Anyone caught bashing the officials or Goodell would have their football-watching priveldges revoked.

On Saturday afternoon, Goodell announced that every Week 8 game would be canceled because his "mission was complete." The following day, Goodell addressed the media.

"Behold, from now on, Oct. 27 will be known as Roger Goodell Day," the commissioner declared. "I'm the most important person in the world, and all shall honor my glory."

It turns out that all of the fines Goodell collected that were supposed to go to charity actually went to Goodell's bank account. Goodell used all the money he obtained to build 32 statues of himself - one for every stadium in the league.

Each statue is made entirely of platinum and various jewels, such as rubies, sapphires, emeralds and diamonds.

"It has come to my attention that not everyone understands how glorious I am," Goodell said. "Now, all will know. I am making it a requirement that every fan entering the stadium must kiss the ring on my statue's hand. Those who refuse to do so will be deported to Mexico unless they can come up with $2 million in unmarked 10s and 20s."

Goodell stated that each team would receive a loss this weekend, meaning there won't be any undefeated teams this year.

"Hey, I'd like to give these teams a tie; I really would." Goodell said. "But that's just not a realistic scenario. If everyone acknowledges how great and powerful I am, maybe I'll change this in the future. But for now, everyone is a loser this weekend."

Emmitt wasn't a fan of "losing" for the second consecutive week, but was careful not to criticize the commissioner.

"I understand why Roger Gordon gived us this loss," Emmitt said. "But I wish we did not lossed for the second game in a row. Miami was a team I thought we could winned it against."

The NFL will be back next weekend, so get your lips ready, NFL patrons - you'll be doing a lot of ring kissing from now on.