Like this:

What if Bruce Willis never pissed off the Germans? What if Matt and Mike never thought of this Christmas Dies Hard special spectacular? We may never know the answer to these and many other questions, such as: “what are birds for?” and, “who says you can’t bake a casserole with toothpaste?” However, what we DO know, is that Christmas Dies Hard is THE MOST AWESOMEST MOVIE MANGLE OF 2013! We dare you to think otherwise… go ahead, watch the video, and tell us why YOU think it’s not the most epic Movie Mangle you’ve seen this year. Ready, go.

We were so excited to review the Twilight Saga, that we sat down to watch every single episode before we got started. The problem we ran into was that the Twilight saga is really really long! It occurred to us afterward that maybe that’s why it was called a “saga” but by then it was too late… We started hallucinating from the lack of blinking for so many days on end.

The resulting dimensional shift had us seeing in black and white, smoke was everywhere, and the room was spinning. We tried to go outside to clear our heads, but the bright light made our skin start to burn. But then we thought, wow this must really be what it’s like to be a vampire! And that was just the kick we needed to get our Movie Mangle going.

So sit back and enjoy the most realistic Twilight Saga review parody ever invented… but don’t forget to blink.

When we set out to review The Avengers we thought, “first, let’s watch the film, THEN, let’s finish the Jagermeister.” A few days later, when we finally made our way back from Tijuana and got our camera equipment out of hock, we started filming.

What emerged was a movie review that we were completely proud of. Mike firmly declared, “This is our best one ever!” We hope you will laugh a little, cry openly, make strange noises in what can only be described as your “lower throat,” and ultimately not get sick all over your computer screen. People and boys, here is… Avengers: THE MOVIE MANGLE!

Avatar is a phenomenal film dedicated to the struggle of a guy in Illinois who can’t decide which cellphone selfie to use on a forum profile. Wait, no sorry that was me in 2007.

What we tried to create with our review parody of James Cameron’s epic film Avatar, was a realism unmatched by any other guys named Matt and Mike in a major metropolis referencing Bon Jovi in 2013. We think we’ve done a bang up job at doing just that. And although our review is completely derivative of such films as Top Gun, What Dreams May Come, Howard the Duck, and The Hours, we’re confident you will find the substance to be entirely substantial. How many film reviewers can say THAT?

If George Lucas was here right now he would probably say, “You can’t hold me prisoner forever you radicals.” But then after we fed him a steady diet of peyote and wheat grass juice, he might be singing a different tune… one where he comes to agree with our take on his ever-changing “true vision” on Star Wars.

Therefore, we’re pretty confident that this Movie Mangle of STAR WARS is fully endorsed by George Lucas, Walt Disney, Alec Guiness, and probably Odysseus as well just for good measure. Now if we can only cash in on some of that merchandising loot!