The World Trembles Under the Weight of a New Lohan

Today in celebrity gossip: Michael Lohan has a new child, Barry Manilow is causing more trouble on Broadway, and Selena Gomez is doing great.

Well folks, there is officially another Lohan in this tattered, woebegone world. Lindsay Lohan's father Michael and his kind-of girlfriend Kate Major — the former tabloid reporter who also dated Jon Gosselin at one point — welcomed a baby into the world yesterday, a 7 pound 5 ounce ball of wonder named Landon Major Lohan. Major Lohan, this kid. Just total Lohan. He wasn't but three minutes out of the womb before he was checking into the Chateau Marmont and ordering cigarettes from room service, this kid. Major Lohan, that one. But yes, the child was born in Florida and is said to be doing well. He joins half-siblings Lindsay, Michael, Ali, and Cody, all of whom will, I'm sure, send him hastily signed greeting cards on the occasion of his high school graduation. Sigh. It's hard not be down about this poor kid. It's really hard not to. [Us Weekly]

God bless Page Six and its staff of 70-year-old ladies. How else would we know what a Kafkaesque nightmare the opening of Barry Manilow's Broadway show has been? We just wouldn't know! But thanks to them, we do. It seems that at Tuesday night's big opening, lots of "Fanilows" (that's the best they could do, I guess) totally annoyed traditional theatergoers. An old former theater critic from the Newark Star-Ledger got in a fight with one such Fanilow, who was standing up and whooping during each song. He just didn't get that this is what Fanilows do! He demanded that she be removed from the theater, but she wouldn't budge. Finally producer Clive Davis, himself something of a professional Fanilow, intervened and switched seats with the lady, so she could stand and cheer and do whatever else she wanted in peace. And that's how it's done at a Barry Manilow show. But seriously guys, this thing has been more fraught with problems than a space launch. This Barry Manilow show is the most complex, labor-intensive thing since the Chunnel. Man has this been a lot of work. [Page Six]

San Francisco 49ers idiot Chris Culliver, the one who went on Artie Lang's radio show recently and said he would never accept a gay person in his locker room, has sort of apologized, saying "The derogatory comments I made yesterday were a reflection of thoughts in my head, but they are not how I feel." They are in his head, but they are not what he feels. See, he feels from his elbows. The thoughts in his elbows are totally gay-friendly and not at all offensive. Don't worry. [TMZ]

Selena Gomez says that she is doing pretty well post-Justin Bieber breakup. She recently told Nylon magazine, "I've been recording, having a lot of fun with my girlfriends, having a good time." Ohhh. Recording! Such an artiste, that Selena Gomez. Recording. Well, hey, whatever. Good for her. It must be hard to break up with Justin Bieber! Where else are you going to find a young man who wears drop-crotch jodhpurs that frequently? [E!]

Hey, look at these pictures of 54-year-old Sharon Stone with her 27-year-old Argentinian model boyfriend. Not much to say about them other than way to go Sharon Stone. And, actually, way to go Argentinian model! Everyone looks great. Weird and wild and a little posed for the cameras, certainly, but still great. Sharon Stone's had an interesting life, guys. This latest development is only slightly less interesting than that time a dragon ate her husband's foot. That was the most interesting Sharon Stone moment, but this comes close. [Daily Mail]

Here is Jason London's attorney's statement about his sad recent arrest. He was in a bar fight in Scottsdale and was roughed up by some bouncers and, some say, he had an accident in the police car. But that's not in this statement, obviously. That's not something you put in a formal statement. Anyway, have a read. It's sad. The whole thing is sad. [People]

Chelsea Handler had Piers Morgan on her show last night, and it went about as well as you would expect. Meaning, it was a complete freaking nightmare. Acrimony and terrible jokes on both sides, two people who are terrible at their jobs ribbing each other awfully on national television. What a world we live in! So glad they could both be on the television together. [Daily Mail]

Known person Kim Kardashian was on Jimmy Kimmel's little program last night, and when asked about her upcoming baby, set to drop later this year, she joked about its clothes. See its father is Kanye West, and Kanye West is very particular. "I don’t think hand-me-downs are going to work," Kim giggled. "I think it has to be, like, really fun stuff." Hahaha, isn't that great? Screw off, parents using hand-me-downs because it's ludicrous to buy all new clothes for a constantly growing baby if you don't have to. You should be dressing your baby in really fun stuff, like Kanye West and Kim Kardashian will. Because they are successful people in America. And most of you are not. [People]

Everyone has someone on their holiday shopping list who’s impossible to buy for. For the second year in a row, we asked Atlantic readers to describe their someone, and brainstormed a few perfect gift ideas for them.