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It has been almost 20 yrs. since my oldest son took his life and there are times when it seems like yesterday. There are times when I still hear a voice in a crowded store that sounds enough like his to make me turn and look (during times when he hasn't been in my thoughts this happens). He died Dec. 7, 1989... he was born Nov. 14th, 1963. He deserved so much more.

My father took his life when I had just turned 15, Dec. 10, 1961. At this point in my life I have more wisdom and maturity than I did as a teen just due to living the number of years I have lived...although those suicides and other traumatic life events still affect me at times.

I am a ''survivor''- my other son and daughter are survivors too we are the part of my family's little army that survived and am proud we have. There are everlasting injuries to the little soldiers though.

With the holiday season almost here, it becomes more difficult for me, some years are easier than others but it adds so much sadness and stress and 'hiding those feelings' from others is tough, we celebrate with my son-in-laws family who has never experienced anything like this. My daughter and I share these difficult feelings at this time of year as she is the one that found her brother and had to tell me.
I can't afford counseling at this point in my life but after so many years I keep thinking I still need professional help at times.
I am new to this site and realize that most of you from what I've been reading today have had more recent losses. I am so sorry for all of the loss and tradgedy I've been reading about, for the pain it has left behind.

I only remember feeling stunned and numb at first when my father died (he was an angry alcoholic by then) but when my son died it felt as if my heart was ripped out and I couldn't breathe. I did not want to open my eyes each day and have to accept that it was real. So much happened in between these two deaths but when someone takes their own life there is no saying goodbye or resolving issues - no last 'I love you', "let me help it will be o.k."...I beleive this adds so much additional suffering to those who must deal with the loss of a loved one.
I found this site accidentally, was not looking for this at all, I think I was on a health site first...though for all of my arhritis aches and pains, the pain that the memory of my own losses brings won't feel better with a pain pill or two.
I hope I made some sense here...feel as though I was rambling some.
Pj

My son shot himself January 24. I say it was an accident--he was drinking, he was bipolar, etc. But, I know it was suicide !!! He left a note of only three lines--I love my Mom, I love my wife, I love my daughter. He mentioned me FIRST, he knew his death would crush me, he was my one of my best friends, we talked to one another every day---why didn't he call me in his darkest hour ????

I lost my sister 3 years ago. I have thought a lot about it. I sometimes feel that nobody cared about her, even me... I feel very sad about it. Sometimes when I think of her, it's OK. But, sometimes tears just roll down my eyes...

mom why did you leave me that day? i thought that time went by id be fine, but i was a fool to think that way. who am i without you? i don't even know, it scares me to think of what direction i will go. without your guidance and without your love i am a ticking time bomb. i don't know if the decisions i make are right or if there wrong.i made you such a big part of me and now i don't know who to be.i wish i could talk to you one more time and ask you what to do, but I'm stuck here without you. its been over a year yet still i hear your voice echoing in my brain. the tears the fears the wisdom over the years, in me you'll always remain. thought time would heal but still i feel the enormous amount of pain.

Hi Grandma Patrice, your comments touched me because I lost my beautiful 17 year old son last September. He was a wonderful student and had such a bright future, he hid his depression too and he had also been through a breakup with a girl. I know how bad the guilt feels, I wish I could tell you it goes away. It does get a little better with time. You start to have some good days and then bam, you are right back where you were before. Your grandson knew how much you loved him and I don't think our boys knew what they were doing. I believe they would take it back if they could. They were in a tunnel of depression and they didn't have enough life experience to realize that their misery would pass. God bless you.

My fiance' committed suicide on mother's day- this yr i found him in our apartment - he had shot himself in the head with his duty gun- i found him too late- had stayed up my mother's that night because we had gotten into a fight. He was drinking that night- he stopped drinking heavily awhile back- i'm starting to try an "justify" why he did it- how did i plan a life with someone- and not know he was depressed or mentally ill- i tie everything together after the fact- the words he said to me- the "this is the last time you'll ever hear from me again" wasn't a break up- it was a fact- i never thought i'd be touched up this- suicide changes you forever- it's ugly, dark, and there are no answers. One day we were planning our honeymoon- the next day his funeral- so how does one move on after seeing what i walked into-? talking to him like he was alive.. i went into shock- i should have stayed there that day- he may still be alive today- had i not left- what a wonderful man. Heaven is full of angels- why is okay for another unique and awesome person to leave so many behind. where is our closure? and how does one go on with guilt of the what if's. You are forever changed.. and they are forever gone.

What a beautiful girl - Emma was a very attractive, intelligent, caring and creative 18 year old girl.Leaving her two little sisters, Sophie and Lydia, her older brother James, Nan, Gran, Uncles and Aunties and cousins. Emma sadly left us too soon, there was no time to say goodbye but she is at peace now. She left us all unexpectedly and for her own reasons of which her family are still trying to put pieces of the puzzle together. Emma died in her bedroom from a massive overdose. Emma had so much to offer in life- her best quality is that she could only see the best in people and she loved her family especially her little sisters. Now she is not suffering in agony and torment. The angels have taken you now and the demons have gone. Rest In peace my sweetheart xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My son decided to leave last year just 3 days after his 39th birthday; July 6, 2008. I don't want to feel better. I don't want to do anything. I stopped working when he left and I can't even imagine ever working again. I can't think anyway, so I wouldn't be a good employee. I just miss him soooooooo much and wish I could be with him. We were so close and talked everyday on the phone. Sometimes he would just call to tell me a joke and then tell me 'that's all I wanted to tell you'. I love him and miss him more than I could have ever imagined. I just sit around all day waiting to die and be with him. I miss my Baby.

My best friend took her own life this past weekend. My world has been shattered. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't stop crying. Part of me feels like it died with her. Everyone else seems to be dealing with it okay, but I feel like my life has stopped. It will never be the same. She knew me more than anyone else, and I just miss her so badly. I guess I am just looking to find out if it ever gets any easier? Are there any coping strategies that work?? I keep telling myself, "Just breathe". If I don't tell myself, I am not real sure I will remember to. Please someone help, if anyone can...I can't live like this forever