New income stream for Treasury - chip and wank

The Government has today announced radical new measures to help the unemployed find more fulfillment in their lives and incidentally to raise more funds for the Treasury in its hour of need.
It is understood that many idle benefit scroungers, commonly known as the unemployed, waste precious hours of potential job-seeking time indulging in what is euphemistically known as ‘self-pleasuring’.
With the latest microchip technology the employees of the Government’s Communications Headquarters are now able for the first time to monitor this behaviour and record every instance of self-pleasuring.
From now on, it will be a condition of receiving benefit that claimants have to wear microchips which are linked up to the computers at the Communications Headquarters. Every instance of self-pleasuring will result in a £10 fine, the money to be automatically deducted from the following month’s benefit.
The Chancellor said : ‘This scheme will undoubtedly reward virtue and punish indolence.
The rich (bankers) will get richer and the poor (wankers) will get poorer.’
A spokesman for the Church of England agreed : ‘The new policy is almost Biblical in its vision.’