I, Frankenstein 3D (Blu-ray)

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All Rise...

Aye, Judge David Johnson? Nay.

The Charge

I, suck.

Opening Statement

Originally released just in time for the winter cinema graveyard, this action
fantasy re-imagines Dr. Frankenstein's lumbering and oblivious monster as a
smoldering acrobatic demon assassin. On paper? Dumb, but potentially fun. In
practice? Just dumb.

Facts of the Case

Adam (Aaron Ekhart, The Dark Knight) is
Frankenstein's monster, a soulless creation pieced together from an assortment
of lantern-jawed corpses. He's a provocative character, especially in the modern
world, which is dominated by two supernatural races: the gargoyles (remnants of
Heaven's archangels charged with protecting Earth) and demons (dirtbags from
Hell looking to overrun humanity). Adam is the key to tipping the balance of
power. He's got the moves to demolish the demonic horde, but the fact that he's
lacking a soul (a mandatory prerequisite to reanimate slain demons) may be just
the recipe head honcho demon (Bill Nighy, Hot Fuzz) needs to resuscitate his fallen
comrades for a final cataclysmic push.

The Evidence

My expectations weren't exactly stratospheric going into I,
Frankenstein, but once its bananas mythology was laid out my attention was
piqued. I'm a sucker for Heaven/Hell fantasy, and the crazy world of Gargoyles
vs. Demons held some potential. Of course, nothing made much sense—the
gargoyles have a gigantic headquarters in the middle of the city, and the demons
routinely screw around in public. The human characters somehow can't wrap their
heads around the fact that there's a war going on, but when it comes to
Hellspawn getting smote by divine battle axes, I'm willing to let that go.

My biggest problem with I, Frankenstein is its bread and butter: the
blockbuster action sequences. The storyline upon which this mayhem is strung is
ridiculous enough to sustain all manner of demon/gargoyle brawls. Simply put:
the CGI overload is way too much. Granted, I don't know how you execute magic
gargoyle jujitsu practically, but there has to be a better way than what
ultimately plays out on screen. The real stumbling block is the gargoyle
animation. These guys are clunky, monochromatic, and rendered with all the
finesse of a sledgehammer. Lionsgate's HD transfer undercuts the sub-par visual
effects, ensuring that anytime these guys show up the film flies off the rails.
It's just too distracting to watch these Syfy original movie level constructs
whizzing around.

Another oversight is Adam, the Frankenstein monster himself. Built up to be
a legitimate badass from the get-go, it's all downhill after his first bout
(which happens within the first 10 minutes). From there, our synthetic stud
demon-smacker is relegated to near-bystander status. When he IS called upon to
throw down, he ends up winning by default (a ballyhooed face-off between Adam
and the head gargoyle enforcer ends in an accidental stabbing). The finale is
bombastic and fireball-filled, but once again our boy doesn't contribute a whole
lot. Which is ultimately the film's biggest bummer.

Give me a goofy mythology. Lay the cheesy CGI on thick and creamy. I can
take it. All I ask in return is a Frankenstein monster that brings it!
This one could use a few more lightning strikes to the head to get him
really pissed.

A top-notch technical presentation anchors I, Frankenstein 3D
(Blu-ray), kicking off with a sterling 2.40:1/1080p transfer. The visuals,
as over-the-top (and sporadically shifty) as they are, pop off the screen.
Sound-wise, the DTS-HD 5.1 Master Audio track delivers the goods, pumping out
chaos with panache. Bonus Features: the 2D presentation, two commentary tracks
with director Stuart Beattie and his producers, two brief making-of featurettes
highlighting the film's creature effects, the theatrical trailer, a standard def
DVD copy, and an UltraViolet digital download.