For those pastas that are smelling less than fresh…

Nightmare

Nightmare
Darkrai. The one pokemon that I wanted more than anything in the world and I missed the date of the event where he was dropped. As a veteran pokemon player I actually didnt know about events with free pokemon being given out until Victini in Generation five. To be quite honest I thought that they would cost money so I blew it off as a gimmick for Game freak and Nintendo to make money. That Victini would be about 5$ along with me having to drag myself outta bed and head to the nearest gamestop for a pokemon that i didnt even think was worth the drive or money.

During the promotion of Victini, I actually needed to head into Gamestop to return the terrible abomination known as “Final Fantasty 13″ or XIII if you want to be a hardcore FF nerd about it. When returning said game, I noticed that the store was more lively than usual. So I asked the guy at the counter who was putting the game disc back in a “used” container, “Why all the little kids here today Geoff?” I didnt know him personally but he actually was a friend of my cousins who worked there.

He told me about Victini and the promotion that was currently happening. I was shocked and asked “All these kids are willing to spend hard earned money on a little furry fire/psychic type?” He responded with the fact that none of the promotions actually cost money. He said that kids would bring in their DS, have the clerk take their DS and then the kids would eagerly await the clerk to return. When it was complete a brand new pokemon determined by the promotion was added to your roster of pokemon.

I was not only extremely surprised, but a little angry and sad with myself when i went home and reserached all the pokemon that had a special event distribution.

Sure enough my favourite of all time, Darkrai, had previously been given out during these events. I almost felt like i had lost out on a part of something really cool. It also explained why you cant catch Darkrai in the main storyline of “Pearl” and “Diamond.” Scouring the internet for other event pokemon I found that shiny legendary dogs, arceus, and zororak all had these events. All I had missed. All I was furious about leaving behind. To me it was like an ultimate tease not being able to “Catch ’em All.” So having a DS I actually cracked and gave into the “Victini Craze” and picked one up for my Black Version.

When I got back to my place I made myself a sandwich and decided since Victini is a low level pokemon, why not play through black a little differently. Instead of using the starter pokemon, I would just use Victini instead. Besides the combination of Fire/Psychic was more appealing than another boring ass Fire/Fighting starter pokemon. I would move Victini out of the Black that I had it in and move it to my white version for safe keeping while I restarted the game. You know just so i didnt lose the little guy when creating a new save file on Black. When i went to my PC to transfer the little fire mouse, my jaw dropped to see what was in its place. A darkrai. In all of its pitch black glory words couldnt escape my mouth as my luck had finally started to come full circle with pokemon. It was almost like this Darkrai was intended for me. Its nature was Lax and its Bad Dreams ability coupled with Dark void, Nightmare, Psychic, and Thunder made him unstoppable. Instead of starting up Black again this gave me a whole new range of games that I could use Darkrai in. I could play battle revolution and see if we would dominate the round battle arena. I could even transfer him to my Peral and Diamond games where i wanted to find him in the first place. I was so happy. My girlfriend thought I was gonna go insane. She’d say things like “Do you love that Darkrai more than me” Jokingly I would say “YES MY DARKRAI IS MY WIFE AND WE’LL LIVE IN A WOODED COTTAGE WITH OUR KIDS AND GRANDCHILDREN” She always punched me in the stomach after that. Not hard though, just one of those “stop being such a doofus” punches. We always laughed at the goofy things we did together. God i love her so much. Life was actually starting to rock for me.

Being younger I actually had major problems with anxiety and depression. Towards the end of my highschool career, I had lost most of my contact with the outside world keeping only a few friends who i know I could trust close. Things changed when I met Samantha and truly started to feel happy again. We shared all the same interests, hobbies and even personality wise she was my double. It didnt hurt that she was gorgeous and way to beautiful to be with a guy like me. Im not ugly but Im not a hunk either. It was like day and night.

I guess what was missing from my life before was compationate love. Not love that friends or family give but actual love itself. After about 2 years of going out I had asked her to move in with me and she burst with joy at the thought of us becoming our own people in the world. Moving in, sleeping together everynight. Talking one day about marriage and children. My life for once was perfect.

They say depression is an old friend. Its not an inviting or warm friend but none the less I call it a friend because essentially it will always have a grasp on you. My grasp on realty started to slowly deteriorate after I found out that my girlfriend was starting to not sleep properly. It started with her waking up with sore arms and legs. I assumed that this was just her not sleeping in a comfortable position at night. Besides my sleeps were always amazing. I dont know whether it was the mattress or the position of the bed but i digress this isnt the only thing that happened. One morning a very long stand of black hair was found in my bed. This not shocked but worried both of us considering I had blonde hair (ya im in my early 20’s and my hair is still its natural blonde colour go figure) and my Samantha was a brunette. Considering the situation at hand, Samanthas first reaction was “ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME WITH SOME BLACK HAIRED WHORE!?!?!?” I told that was impossible because at that time I hadnt slept a single night outside my house without Samantha by my side. If that hair was in the bed before i went to sleep I would have felt it under the covers. She agreed and apologized for acussing me over betraying her trust. I told her it was ok and quickly grabbed her for a kiss. Her kisses were the best. My lips fit hers perfectly. I know that sounds weird but hey they say love makes you say crazy things right? Even stranger than the hair was what this hair seemed to be made out of. The hair waved like a strand in the breeze but when touched felt somewhat like pudding? Jello maybe? In any case it astounded me and I actually picked it up to throw into my car and have it tested at the university in which i currently took up classes at. However the most odd occurence that day was when I went to get the hair sample checked out. From the time I had been driving from my place to the school, the hair had mysteriously gone missing in my back seat. I tore up every inch of my car but to no avail. The hair was gone. Coming home with no answers and a missing object made me furious. I wasnt one to lose things and I hated it when things became missing for no good apparent reason. Sam knew I was troubled so she began to rub my back and talk calmly in my ear. She always knew how to relieve my stress. She asked if the lab at the school came up with anything. I told her that I had acctually lost the thing and never knew where I would find one again. She kissed me and said “You worry too much my handsome man. Now cmon you’ve had a busy and stressful day. She was right. Other than going to the university for that test sample, I also had an exam in biochemistry that very afternoon. To be quite honest I was worried about my results on the test because my focus was on that stupid hair. Little did I know that stupid hair would change my life forever.

The next morning and the following mornings after that were to be my worst ever. I tried to wake her up but she just lay there motionless. Oh god Sam. Why did you leave me? Why so soon? Why so sudden? Why couldnt I protect you from whatever took you from me. I slept next to you and for all I know I could have kicked your corpse in my sleep and I wouldnt even know it. Oh dear god. No you know what. Why am I praying to God? Its obvious he doesnt care about me. And thats how my depression began again. My rock, my solid, my babygirl. My everything. Gone. My spiral began with me leaving the appartment to move in with parents. I cant sleep in that bed. Now knowing its where my beloved perished. My parents were nothing but sympathtic towards me but it was no use. My mind had essentially snapped in two and there sure isnt any super glue for the brain.

Therapists will say they help with stress. Dont believe them. Ive been seeing them all my life and I can assure you that “encouraging words” dont rid people of depression. They need to experience hapiness again without just being givin examples of joyful situations in the therapy session. I became a recluse. Only coming out to see family or close friends. Although in this time frame i guess the only thing positive about it was my love for videogames began to blossom again. When Sam was around we would always play Xbox but since her death, I havent touched it. Other game consoles kept my interest like my Ps3, my gamecube. Hell I even still had my N64 working perfect condition. The Nintedo 64 was probably my most played system to be quite frank. I’ve had it since I was 4 and it spoke a special nostalgic voice to my childhood. one day when I was playing pokemon stadium when something completely caught me off-guard.

D-D-Darkrai? Yes to my amazement he was there. For those who dont know, when starting up stadium the intro to the game plays and then a title screen is displayed showing “Press Start.” Along with every pokemon from the first generation, there smack dab in the middle was that black embodiment of terror. this was of course impossible. Darkrai hadnt been added to the Pokemon universe until late in the 4th Generation. What was doing in a game that featured only the original 151? My curiosity began to grow as i was actually able to select drakrai in the pokemon team selection screen. He was at the very bottom as I had expected. During the selection though something was even more odd than a gen 4 pokemon being in stadium. Where Darkrai’s moves or move set should have been four moves were replaced with a phrase. “Why did you leave?” At this point I was really starting to get angry. Had my stadium become corrupt? What in the hell was going on? Then I thought to myself “OOOOOOOOO MAYBE IM ONE OF THOSE CREEPYPASTA VICTIMS” I laughed for a while but the game still perplexed me. Then I remembered this isnt the first time a Darkrai has appeared to me without explanation. The Victini mix up was just as odd and unexplainable as stadium. So without hesitation I bolted to my pokemon Black version to see if anything was screwy or out of order.

On the surface my Black version wasnt even remotely strange. it played normally and didnt glitch out at all. I was almost expecting to see a 6th generation pokemon in my Black version. With my life the way its running I almost half expected it. Its not like things arent already weird enough as it is.

So with that said and done I pulled out Pearl to see how MY Darkrai was doing. I really wish I hadnt. My Darkrai was always at the head of my team but when I checked his stats, I nearly threw up. Replacing Darkrai’s moveset were four more words that spelt out the phrase “Sleep can be Dangerous”………….This sick fuck was trying to toy with my emotions. How in the world did this game know that my most traumatic experience in life happened when I was asleep next to Sam. I began talking to the game or rather i screamed at it “YOU SICK FREAK HOW DO YOU KNOW?” It took awhile for me to realize but the words in Darkrai’s moveset began to change again. “She was no good” It continued “I love you more” “Come Play with me” “Dreams set you free” “Together we will be” “Suffering in the Eternity” I had no idea what any of this meant but I was certain that this couldnt be considered a pokemon game anymore. Hell it couldnt be considered rational. My situation was one of my own. I probably would have alerted my parents with all the yelling and screaming had they not already left for cancun for their 2nd honeymoon 3 days earlier. I shouted “I COULD NEVER LOVE SOMETHING SO CRUEL. DO YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN MY SAMMY” I could feel at this point I wasn’t just yelling but crying as well remembering her soft face and kisses. Now I was not only beyond raging but also losing control of my sanity. Its moments like this that make me realize how much i needed sam in my life. Stress led me to sleep. With my dreams normally being calm and stable, this night showed me how terrible the human imagination can be.

I was placed in a dark london street. No cars, no noise. Just one person. Sam. I didnt know whether to be happy to see her, to be sad that i knew it was all fake, or to be angry for not being able to say I love you one more time to her. Her face was fragile and silky smooth just how I had remembered. I threw my arms around her as quickly as I could and began to sob unbelieveably hard. My heart-felt moment soon turned into pure horror. When I hugged Sam, her body felt like….like..like that goddamned hair I found in our bed. Opening my eyes I saw what I was now actually hugging. Replacing Sam was Darkrai himself. “Shes all mine now” I began to sob even harder. Had my love been killed by..by this black entity. “Why?” Thats all I could say. Instead of speaking only in fours like he had previously done he exclaimed “You ever wonder why so many people die playing pokemon? Im that reason. The suicides in Japan? Me!”

All of this made sense. The kids probably were controlled to suicide in their sleep. Their own willpower must’ve not been enough to stop Darkrai’s assault on their minds. “Every event that distributes pokemon to you foolish humans, is another gateway from our realm to yours. You dont even know that every so often Darkrais like myself are incorporated into every event.” “But you said you loved me. What kind of LOVE IS THIS??” I said while wiping tears from my eyes. ” We Darkrai like giving false hope. We arent meant to be played. We were made TO KILL!”

…………………………………………….Hello this is Wilfred French with the 11oclock news. Police today are still trying to patch together how a young man aged 24 died in his parents house late last night. No signs of forced entry were found. The toxicology reports havent come in yet but the most peculiar thing in the house was a long black stand of hair next to his bed. Before the Police could use it as any evidence, one officer said it vanished.
Credit To – Hunter Rebizant

Well, isn’t this a big pile of ridiculous.
I started giggling half-way through. Goddammit, author, you had one job.

Pax

…giggling? You giggled? Even after that ABOMINATION OF A LINE THAT DRIVES THIS WHOLE PASTA DOWN THE-

Nono Pax, calm down. Control your anger. Don’t flip your shit.

I will agree that “ridiculous” is one of many words that come to mind when I read this, good sir/madam.

Pax

So. This Pasta.

Anyone who reads my comments will know that I’m not a mean guy by nature. True, I may have said some cruel things about stories a year ago (wow, has it been a whole year already? Damn, I feel old), but I think we all need to get that rage out of our system before we can contribute to the community with constructive criticism. Ever since September of 2013, I’ve made sure to be polite when commenting stories and leaving helpful advice in my wake… so long as it’s obvious the Author actually made an effort in writing it. What many people seem to forget is that behind each story is a person, and that person honestly poured their heart into these Pastas… well, most of the time, anyway. I keep that in mind with every story I comment on.

However, this is the one Pasta that made me so angry, I wanted to flip my keyboard in fury. I HATE this story with a burning passion, and the pitiful excuse of an Author who wrote it. However… A little while ago, I realized that I’m being a bit of a hypocrite with my personal philosophy when it comes to these stories-that is, even the worst of the worst have SOMETHING good about them, even if you have to be drunk to find it.

This is it, guys. I’m getting this story out of my system once and for all. I will tear it apart, analyze every minute detail, and find SOMETHING redeemable in this mess of a story that invokes nothing but wrath from me. Derpbutt, I apologize ahead of time, but this is going to be a LONG comment.

Let’s begin.

“Nightmare” –The title seems innocent enough. True, it’s a bit… well, bland, but it might just be the least offensive title for this story. Seriously, try thinking of a title that seems LESS cliché. Here’s a list of all the alternative titles I can think up off the top of my head:

See? It’s near impossible! But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s see how this story actually begins:

“Darkrai. The one pokemon that I wanted more than anything in the world and I missed the date of the event where he was dropped.” –And there we have it folks, a Poképasta. This is one of those catagories that barely ANYONE seems to like. Even Derpbutt himself (herself? Does anyone really know?) states his dislike for the genre with the category description: “Pokemon isn’t scary, guys.” To my knowledge, the only successful “Creepypastas” of this category are the Lavender Town Syndrome and Lost Silver-both of which I personally find to be more interesting reads than actual horror stories, and many people will hold that both those stories are miserable piles of tripe as well. It takes a LOT of talent to make one of these Pastas successful, and the way the Author goes about it… well. Just keep reading.

“As a veteran pokemon player I actually didnt know about events with free pokemon being given out until Victini in Generation five. To be quite honest I thought that they would cost money so I blew it off as a gimmick for Game freak and Nintendo to make money.” –Dude, if you’re a “veteran Pokémon player” than you should KNOW about the free events. Nowhere do they say it costs anything, and I would think if you’re a longtime fan of the series you would at least stop by for a curious glance at least ONCE in your life. Frankly, this seems like the author is trying to force a conflict so as to get to the point he wants to reach in the story more quickly and with much less hassle.

“That Victini would be about 5$ along with me having to drag myself outta bed and head to the nearest gamestop for a pokemon that i didnt even think was worth the drive or money.” –And here I have to stop and point out something very bothersome: The spelling and sentence structure. It’s no secret that I hate this story. Even if it were perfectly legible, I would still hate it for… well again, keep reading. But the fact that I have to read over lines multiple times because the way the sentence is phrased confuses me and requires a minute to decipher? That’s just adding insult to injury. To any potential author who is reading this, take note: Get a friend to proofread the story before you submit it anywhere. Not only will they pick up on several spelling errors that you would have otherwise missed (5$->$5 or five dollars, gamestop->GameStop, pokemon->Pokémon, i->I, didnt->didn’t in that sentence alone), but they can help point out things that are even harder for you to pick up yourself: Sentence structure. Oftentimes, I send my short stories to friends and family to find out if the way I phrased a sentence makes sense or not. Their input allows me to correct my mistakes and keep the flow going. You’re bound to have ONE friend out there who’s willing to read your work. Send it to them, and listen to what they have to say.

“During the promotion of Victini, I actually needed to head into Gamestop to return the terrible abomination known as ‘Final Fantasty 13’ or XIII if you want to be a hardcore FF nerd about it.” –While I can COMPLETELY relate to your anger over this game (seriously worst ten bucks I ever spent in my life what the hell is wrong with all those characters I hate Hope with a passion aaaaaaugh), this detail didn’t need to be in the story. While it is true that detail helps spice up a story, the wrong kind of detail transforms your story from a narrative to a blog post of you complaining about things you don’t like. Allow me to provide a corrected sentence that still says the same thing, but removes the “blog post” quality:

“Said Victini event happened to be going strong at my local GameStop the day I arrived to return a game.”

Someone could probably re-write that sentence to make it better and fit with the paragraph more, but that’s just the general idea.

“When returning said game, I noticed that the store was more lively than usual. So I asked the guy at the counter who was putting the game disc back in a “used” container, “Why all the little kids here today Geoff?” I didnt know him personally but he actually was a friend of my cousins who worked there.” –Just as I said before, certain details don’t need to be spelled out for the reader. Unless Geoff comes back later in the story (read: he doesn’t), you don’t need to take the time to introduce him as a new character.

“He told me about Victini and the promotion that was currently happening. I was shocked and asked ‘All these kids are willing to spend hard earned money on a little furry fire/psychic type?’” –Why did you say it like that. What human talks like that. On top of that, have you ever tried saying “fire/psychic type” aloud? Would you pronounce the slash as well? Or would it be “fire psychic” when pronounced? I know this is a nitpick, but this seriously bothers me.

“He responded with the fact that none of the promotions actually cost money. He said that kids would bring in their DS, have the clerk take their DS and then the kids would eagerly await the clerk to return. When it was complete a brand new pokemon determined by the promotion was added to your roster of pokemon.” –I call bull. True, this is how it may have worked back in ye olden days of the GameBoy, but nowadays all you need to do is access an approved location where the event is going on, connect your DS to Wi-Fi, and pick the Pokémon up that way. I’m beginning to question the credibility of the writer himself when it comes to his knowledge of Pokémon.

“I was not only extremely surprised, but a little angry and sad with myself when i went home and reserached all the pokemon that had a special event distribution.” –Okay, so it shows that you DO have access to the internet and know reliable sources to study this information. If you had all this at your fingertips to begin with, why didn’t you do any research in how to get Darkrai before? I remember when I was… what, ten? Twelve? It was middle school, so… Twelve, yeah. I scoured the bloody internet for any information on how to catch Arceus. You would think this man who claims to love Darkrai so much would have found SOMETHING about a free event at some point or another.

“Sure enough my favourite of all time, Darkrai, had previously been given out during these events. I almost felt like i had lost out on a part of something really cool.” –Game Shark. It doesn’t seem like you’d be the kind of guy who’d mind that much about cheating. Just hack in the Old Letter and you can catch your favorite Pokémon fair and square… well, as fair and square as you can get by cheating, that is.

“It also explained why you cant catch Darkrai in the main storyline of ‘Pearl’ and ‘Diamond.’ Scouring the internet for other event pokemon I found that shiny legendary dogs, arceus, and zororak all had these events. All I had missed. All I was furious about leaving behind. To me it was like an ultimate tease not being able to ‘Catch ‘em All.’” –Again, not to sound like a broken record, but if you care that much, just Shark them in. Yeah it sucks that you can’t get them via the events, but at least you can get them at all. There is zero conflict here.

“So having a DS I actually cracked and gave into the ‘Victini Craze’ and picked one up for my Black Version. When I got back to my place I made myself a sandwich and decided since Victini is a low level pokemon, why not play through black a little differently.” –Oh no. Don’t tell me you’re doing what I think you’re doing.

“Instead of using the starter pokemon, I would just use Victini instead. Besides the combination of Fire/Psychic was more appealing than another boring ass Fire/Fighting starter pokemon.” –For a self-proclaimed “Pokémon veteran” you’re an idiot when it comes to the series. As an Event Pokémon, Victini counts as a traded Pokémon. Not only do Traded Pokémon evolve faster, they also start to disobey you when they reach high enough levels. Yes, having one of these suckers on your team is really helpful and can get you out of a lot of scrapes, but if you don’t have a reliable member on your team that you can back up on-like, say, the frickin’ STARTER-you’re royally fucked once your Pokémon reaches a high enough level. It’s at this point I’ve pretty much accepted that the Author doesn’t know at ALL what he’s talking about when it comes to Pokémon.

“I would move Victini out of the Black that I had it in and move it to my white version for safe keeping while I restarted the game. You know just so i didnt lose the little guy when creating a new save file on Black.” –See my previous comment. You’re an idiot.

“When i went to my PC to transfer the little fire mouse, my jaw dropped to see what was in its place. A darkrai.” –Um. Wat.

“In all of its pitch black glory words couldnt escape my mouth as my luck had finally started to come full circle with pokemon. It was almost like this Darkrai was intended for me.” –That’s not luck, that’s… well, I don’t really know WHAT that is. If that happened to me, sure I’d be happy to have a Pokémon I’ve always wanted, but mostly I’d be concerned that my game was glitching up, or I somehow downloaded corrupted data. Also, if you’re perfectly fine getting Darkrai this way, let me ask you: Why didn’t you even think of Sharking the thing into your game?!

“Its nature was Lax and its Bad Dreams ability coupled with Dark void, Nightmare, Psychic, and Thunder made him unstoppable.” –Remember what I said about details? This is one of those times. I understand mentioning the Bad Dreams ability and the moves Dark Void and Nightmare might be a method of foreshadowing, but you don’t have to list ALL of this. If you have to include this for the aforementioned foreshadowing purpose, it could have gone something like this:

“Its stats were through the roof! With the ‘Bad Dreams’ ability and the moves Dark Void and Nightmare to compliment it, my Darkrai was unstoppable!”

Again, I’m certain someone else could phrase that better.

“Instead of starting up Black again this gave me a whole new range of games that I could use Darkrai in. I could play battle revolution and see if we would dominate the round battle arena. I could even transfer him to my Peral and Diamond games where i wanted to find him in the first place.” –Do you know NOTHING of Pokémon? Black and White are Generation V games, whereas Diamond and Pearl are Generation IV. While it’s possible to transfer Pokémon from the earlier game into the later one, the reverse is NOT true.

“I was so happy. My girlfriend thought I was gonna go insane. She’d say things like ‘Do you love that Darkrai more than me’ Jokingly I would say ‘YES MY DARKRAI IS MY WIFE AND WE’LL LIVE IN A WOODED COTTAGE WITH OUR KIDS AND GRANDCHILDREN’” –Okay, credit where credit is due. That was a cute moment. That’s the kind of crap I’d pull with my girlfriend. If I had one, anyway.

“She always punched me in the stomach after that. Not hard though, just one of those ‘stop being such a doofus’ punches. We always laughed at the goofy things we did together. God i love her so much. Life was actually starting to rock for me.” –And then that moment is lessened somewhat by what I’m going to start calling the “Blogger Syndrome.” Look, it’s perfectly fine to express your affection toward your girlfriend for the purpose of this story, but going at it like that makes it seem like you’re a teenager who just recently got a girlfriend and you have to write out how madly “in love” you are with them. Pace yourself. Show, don’t tell.

“Being younger I actually had major problems with anxiety and depression.” –Wait, what? Don’t get me wrong, I do want to hear what makes your character tick for the purpose of the story, but this is a bit of a sudden shift. A better transition would have GREATLY improved this part.

“Towards the end of my highschool career, I had lost most of my contact with the outside world keeping only a few friends who i know I could trust close. Things changed when I met Samantha and truly started to feel happy again. We shared all the same interests, hobbies and even personality wise she was my double. It didnt hurt that she was gorgeous and way to beautiful to be with a guy like me. Im not ugly but Im not a hunk either. It was like day and night.” –I’m calling it: This was written by a young teenager in high school who just recently got a girlfriend. This sentence is still layered with “Blogger Syndrome” but it’s much better than what you wrote earlier. Unfortunately, you’re still telling more than you’re showing.

“I guess what was missing from my life before was compationate love. Not love that friends or family give but actual love itself. After about 2 years of going out I had asked her to move in with me and she burst with joy at the thought of us becoming our own people in the world. Moving in, sleeping together everynight. Talking one day about marriage and children. My life for once was perfect.” –Anything I say to this at this point would just be redundant and repeating myself. Am I the only one who sees this? It’s not THAT important, but for the purpose of getting this idea across without spelling it out like this out of the blue… I feel there should be a better way to go at it.

“They say depression is an old friend.” –I like this line. It’s short, yet powerful in its implications.

“Its not an inviting or warm friend but none the less I call it a friend because essentially it will always have a grasp on you.” –I don’t like this line. It ruins the subtle grip and implications that the previous line provided. I like the basic IDEA behind it, but… the structure of the sentence just fails to bring the idea across properly. Also, “I call it a friend because essentially it will always have a grasp on you”? Again, I get what you’re TRYING to say, but… what kind of fucked-up friends do YOU have, dude?

“My grasp on realty started to slowly deteriorate after I found out that my girlfriend was starting to not sleep properly. It started with her waking up with sore arms and legs. I assumed that this was just her not sleeping in a comfortable position at night.” –Well, that sucks, but it’s a reasonably fixable problem. Try sleeping on the couch and let her spread out, see if that fixes anything. Flip the mattress. If this is a reoccurring problem, think about seeing a doctor.

“Besides my sleeps were always amazing.” –Oooooh God. Where do I even begin with this one. Why don’t we write up a list?

1. “My sleeps” is awful grammar.
2. That is a very sudden shift from what you were just saying earlier.
3. “My sleeps” is a terrible, terrible phrase.
4. Even in context, this statement makes no sense. You go from talking about your girlfriend to yourself back to your girlfriend.
5. “My sleeps” is an abortion of the English language.
6. Once again, you’re telling rather than showing. If this is to demonstrate that it’s not a problem with the mattress, it could be phrased much better.
7. “My sleeps” is a FUCKING ATROCIOUS PHRASE SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU FUCKING THINKING YOU FUCKING FUCK, FUCK!

…whoa. Sorry, everything went red there for a second. Moving right along…

“I dont know whether it was the mattress or the position of the bed but i digress this isnt the only thing that happened.” –Once again, if you just bunched this together with your previous sentence (barring that six-word one that we shall not mention) and rephrased it, the idea you’re trying to present in this paragraph could be told much more coherently.

“One morning a very long stand of black hair was found in my bed. This not shocked but worried both of us considering I had blonde hair (ya im in my early 20′s and my hair is still its natural blonde colour go figure) and my Samantha was a brunette.” –Several things. To begin with, I think you meant to place an “only” near the beginning there. “This not only shocked but worried us both” sounds MUCH better. Next, “Ya” is WRONG. It is “yeah” or even “yea” (though personally I see the later as “Yay” rather than “yeah”). Not only that, but it just sounds unprofessional. Here’s another rephrasing for you:

“(Yes, I know, I’m in my early twenties and my hair is still naturally blonde. Mock me all you want)”

I’m going to move on before I’m trapped on this one part forever.

“Considering the situation at hand, Samanthas first reaction was ‘ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME WITH SOME BLACK HAIRED WHORE!?!?!?’” –There is no reason for all those exclamation points and question marks. Nor is the quote, either. “Samantha’s first reaction was to accuse me of having an affair” tells the same idea much better… However. If the two of you love each other so much, why would she IMMEDIATELY jump to that conclusion? I understand a long strand of black hair is suspicious, but a relationship without trust is not good at all. Not only that, but if it was so easy for you two to notice when you woke up all groggy in the morning, you would have noticed it before you went to sleep, proving it happened while you were asleep.

“I told that was impossible because at that time I hadnt slept a single night outside my house without Samantha by my side. If that hair was in the bed before i went to sleep I would have felt it under the covers.” –I wouldn’t know about feeling it under the covers per se, but at least the story is trying to show us that this is an abnormal event that only could have happened while they were asleep.

“She agreed and apologized for acussing me over betraying her trust. I told her it was ok and quickly grabbed her for a kiss. Her kisses were the best. My lips fit hers perfectly. I know that sounds weird but hey they say love makes you say crazy things right?” –Blogger Syndrome. Nothing more.

“Even stranger than the hair was what this hair seemed to be made out of.” –Well, at least you tried to connect the two senten… wait a second. What… what the hell is this sentence even saying? Are you trying to say “stranger than the substance which this strand of hair seemed to be made out of”? Because as the sentence stands now, it makes NO sense. Again, a single proofread could have corrected many of these issues!

“The hair waved like a strand in the breeze but when touched felt somewhat like pudding? Jello maybe?” –The description could be improved, but I like this. It raises some intrigue, lets us know something’s not right here, that this strand of “hair” is abnormal.

“In any case it astounded me and I actually picked it up to throw into my car and have it tested at the university in which i currently took up classes at.” –That’s… convenient. I guess I’ll let it slide, considering you’re making an active effort to figure this strange event out. For future reference, however, maybe you could introduce the university earlier in the narrative so it doesn’t seem like you’re pulling it out of your ass.

“However the most odd occurence that day was when I went to get the hair sample checked out. From the time I had been driving from my place to the school, the hair had mysteriously gone missing in my back seat. I tore up every inch of my car but to no avail. The hair was gone.” –You just literally THREW it into the back seat? You didn’t think to put it in a Ziplock baggie and carefully place it in your glove box so you wouldn’t lose the SINGLE STRAND OF HAIR?! I take back what I said earlier, you’re an idiot.

“Coming home with no answers and a missing object made me furious. I wasnt one to lose things and I hated it when things became missing for no good apparent reason.” –You mean like THROWING A STRAND OF HAIR INTO THE BACK OF YOUR CAR?! I think THAT’S pretty damn apparent!

“Sam knew I was troubled so she began to rub my back and talk calmly in my ear. She always knew how to relieve my stress.” –If this turns into porn I am leaving.

“She asked if the lab at the school came up with anything. I told her that I had acctually lost the thing and never knew where I would find one again.” –Maybe you wouldn’t have lost it if you… I’ve already run this into the ground, I’m going to move on.

“She kissed me and said ‘You worry too much my handsome man. Now cmon you’ve had a busy and stressful day. She was right.” –You forgot to put an end quote.

“Other than going to the university for that test sample, I also had an exam in biochemistry that very afternoon.” –Wait. So… you drove all the way to the University. Lost the hair. Then… drove back home. All in one morning. Either you live five minutes away from this University or you just wasted a metric crap ton of time and gas, dude.

“To be quite honest I was worried about my results on the test because my focus was on that stupid hair. Little did I know that stupid hair would change my life forever.” –I could be biased, but I REALLY don’t like that “change my life forever” trope. That’s just a personal issue though, I feel it would be unfair to judge the work based on my own personal issues with certain tropes.

“The next morning and the following mornings after that were to be my worst ever. I tried to wake her up but she just lay there motionless.” –Who, your girlfriend? Well, in the next few sentences you mourn her loss, but this just stays disconnected. Maybe you could add a sentence? “She seemed so peaceful sleeping next to me, so I waited for her to wake up. I waited for a few minutes. Then an hour. Soon it was noon, and I knew something was wrong when she didn’t awaken.” See? Adds emotional impact and leads the reader into the next sentence for a smooth transition.

“Oh god Sam. Why did you leave me? Why so soon? Why so sudden? Why couldnt I protect you from whatever took you from me. I slept next to you and for all I know I could have kicked your corpse in my sleep and I wouldnt even know it.” –I like how you show us your torment using your first person narrative, with the actual story telling slowly breaking down into an incoherent mess of you mourning the loss of your girlfriend… problem is, that’s not quite what this segment does. We jump straight from the narrative into the mourning. If you had it be a slower, smother transition to show us your breakdown, this would be much more powerful.

“Oh dear god. No you know what. Why am I praying to God? Its obvious he doesnt care about me. And thats how my depression began again.” –Wrath against God is a bit overplayed, I think, but I think it works a bit in this situation. He’s already been clinically diagnosed with depression and his girlfriend just died, that’s bound to be a huge impact on his psyche.

“My rock, my solid, my babygirl. My everything. Gone. My spiral began with me leaving the appartment to move in with parents. I cant sleep in that bed. Now knowing its where my beloved perished.” –The wording is still off, and something about the way he writes it puts me off a bit, but… progress is definitely being made, here. If this part were cleaned up, I think this would be a solid bit of writing to show the torment our protagonist is going through.

“My parents were nothing but sympathtic towards me but it was no use. My mind had essentially snapped in two and there sure isnt any super glue for the brain.” –Aside from the spelling, I REALLY like this last line here. It’s simple and effective. I have to say, I’m pleasantly surprised! If I never did this analysis, I wouldn’t have found these few gems in the story.

Now let’s watch as all that good is just flushed down the drain.

“Therapists will say they help with stress. Dont believe them. Ive been seeing them all my life and I can assure you that ‘encouraging words’ dont rid people of depression.” –Okay asshole, you can kindly shut the fuck up. Therapy is more than just “encouraging words,” it is a trained medical profession designed to help people deal with things that they cannot solve themselves. Unless you, the Author, have been to therapy for a serious condition, you have NO RIGHT to say this.

“They need to experience hapiness again without just being givin examples of joyful situations in the therapy session.” –Or, you know, they need MEDICATION. Despite what many people believe, Depression is a serious mental condition that could be attributed to a few wires being twisted the wrong way in the brain. It is NOT “a case of the blues” that you can get over with the power of “twue wub” it is a condition that can be dealt with medication designed to correct the “glitch” in the brain and years of therapy. The mere IMPLICATION that trained medical professionals who dedicate their lives to helping people with these conditions are worthless next to “experiencing real happiness” is SICKENING. It takes a lot to do this, but Author, you have OFFICIALLY pissed me off. And we’re not even at the part that made me flip the keyboard in rage the first time I read this, folks!

“I became a recluse. Only coming out to see family or close friends.” –A comma would have worked just fine there.

“Although in this time frame i guess the only thing positive about it was my love for videogames began to blossom again.” –Wow, that doesn’t make you sound insensitive at all. I get what you’re TRYING to say here, I really do, but it’s another case of needing to find much better wording to get your idea across without coming off as a jerk.

“When Sam was around we would always play Xbox but since her death, I havent touched it. Other game consoles kept my interest like my Ps3, my gamecube. Hell I even still had my N64 working perfect condition.” –This whole part could handle with a fair bit of rephrasing, but I’ll get you started with the first thing that jumped out at me: Change the period after “Gamecube” to an ellipses and add a comma after “Hell.”

“The Nintedo 64 was probably my most played system to be quite frank. I’ve had it since I was 4 and it spoke a special nostalgic voice to my childhood.” –I’m not going to complain about Blogger Syndrome here because this serves as a way to lead into the following part. However, I will say that there was an easier way to connect these ideas without all this “fat” between it. Off the top of my head:

“The only thing that brought any joy to my life was the return of my childhood friend, the Nintendo 64. It had gathered dust from how long it was stored at my parents’ place, but it still played like a dream.”

There you go. Your character no longer sounds like a jerk, and it connects the ideas for a smooth transition.

“one day when I was playing pokemon stadium when something completely caught me off-guard.” –Remove one of these “when”s. Otherwise, it really sounds like it is really redundant.

“D-D-Darkrai? Yes to my amazement he was there.” –Oh yeah! I almost forgot that this was a Poképasta. I was distracted by your claim that therapists are useless and “my sleeps”.

“For those who dont know, when starting up stadium the intro to the game plays and then a title screen is displayed showing ‘Press Start.’ Along with every pokemon from the first generation, there smack dab in the middle was that black embodiment of terror.” –Aside from a few spelling errors, this was a… decent ATTEMPT at describing the picture to someone who’s never played the game before. It falls a bit short, however, with what seems to be a missing sentence in the middle to connect the two sentences and finish the mental description.

“this was of course impossible. Darkrai hadnt been added to the Pokemon universe until late in the 4th Generation. What was doing in a game that featured only the original 151?” –Says the guy who tried to migrate Darkrai from a Generation V game into Generation IV. Just sayin’.

“My curiosity began to grow as i was actually able to select drakrai in the pokemon team selection screen. He was at the very bottom as I had expected. During the selection though something was even more odd than a gen 4 pokemon being in stadium. Where Darkrai’s moves or move set should have been four moves were replaced with a phrase. ‘Why did you leave?’” –Oh no. Oh God no. Don’t tell me you’re doing what I think you’re doing. This is almost as overdone as the Unknown spelling out ominous phrases in the trainer’s party.

“At this point I was really starting to get angry. Had my stadium become corrupt? What in the hell was going on? Then I thought to myself ‘OOOOOOOOO MAYBE IM ONE OF THOSE CREEPYPASTA VICTIMS’ I laughed for a while but the game still perplexed me.” –Ask anybody on the site and they’ll say the same thing, but I’ll go ahead and spell it out anyway: Never. Ever. Say. The. Word. “Creepypasta.” In. Your. Story. It’s a failed attempt at self-referential humor that just falls short unless in the hands of the best of writers, and even then it’s skating on thin ice.

“Then I remembered this isnt the first time a Darkrai has appeared to me without explanation. The Victini mix up was just as odd and unexplainable as stadium. So without hesitation I bolted to my pokemon Black version to see if anything was screwy or out of order.” –That’s… actually an intelligent decision. Something beyond strange is going on in your Stadium Game, similar to the strange event that happened in your DS game, so you check the other game to see if anything has changed. Kudos.

“On the surface my Black version wasnt even remotely strange. it played normally and didnt glitch out at all. I was almost expecting to see a 6th generation pokemon in my Black version. With my life the way its running I almost half expected it. Its not like things arent already weird enough as it is.” –Heh. Another part that brought a smirk on my face. It’s this kind of attitude I like to see from horror protagonists. Like the rest of the story, the wording could be cleaned up, but… yeah. Two kudos in a row, dude. You’re on a roll.

“So with that said and done I pulled out Pearl to see how MY Darkrai was doing.” –I said it before, I’ll say it again: Bullshit. Also, even assuming it was POSSIBLE to transfer your Darkrai over, why didn’t you check Pearl FIRST? That’s the game that has the Pokémon created by the strange event. That’s the game that holds the Pokémon that has appeared on your Stadium Game for no reason whatsoever with the strange sentence in his move list.

“I really wish I hadnt.” –Considering what I know about what’s coming up in this story, same here.

“My Darkrai was always at the head of my team but when I checked his stats, I nearly threw up. Replacing Darkrai’s moveset were four more words that spelt out the phrase ‘Sleep can be Dangerous’………….This sick fuck was trying to toy with my emotions.” –One, this is the point where you close the game and bugger off. Two, those are far too many ellipses. Any more than one in a row and it just looks silly.

“How in the world did this game know that my most traumatic experience in life happened when I was asleep next to Sam.” –After all these strange events that are going on, THAT’S the one thing you question? This is obviously paranormal. Again: Close the bloody DS and flee.

“I began talking to the game or rather i screamed at it ‘YOU SICK FREAK HOW DO YOU KNOW?’ It took awhile for me to realize but the words in Darkrai’s moveset began to change again.” –I notice you’re not running. Why.

“’She was no good’ It continued ‘I love you more’ ‘Come Play with me’ ‘Dreams set you free’ ‘Together we will be’ ‘Suffering in the Eternity’” –There is no reason for you to stick around other than sheer stupid curiosity. Flee you idiot.

“I had no idea what any of this meant but I was certain that this couldnt be considered a pokemon game anymore.” –In the immortal words of my brother: “YOU DON’T SAAAAAY?!”

“Hell it couldnt be considered rational. My situation was one of my own.” –I’m glad we agree. So, if you could just close your DS and get to-no? You’re going to… You’re gonna stick around to finish this awful story? *Shrug* Alright.

“I probably would have alerted my parents with all the yelling and screaming had they not already left for cancun for their 2nd honeymoon 3 days earlier.” –It’s good that you clarify this to leave yourself alone, but again, if you don’t introduce it EARLIER, it just comes across as an ass-pull.

“I shouted ‘I COULD NEVER LOVE SOMETHING SO CRUEL. DO YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN MY SAMMY’ I could feel at this point I wasn’t just yelling but crying as well remembering her soft face and kisses. Now I was not only beyond raging but also losing control of my sanity. Its moments like this that make me realize how much i needed sam in my life.” –I get the idea you’re trying to portray here, but like the details of your beloved before, it comes across as another case of Blogger Syndrome.

“Stress led me to sleep.” –In a hotel far away from this house after you destroyed your DS, right?

…I DID call this guy smart before, right? I wasn’t just imagining that?

“With my dreams normally being calm and stable, this night showed me how terrible the human imagination can be.” –Well, considering the fact that A CHARACTER IN A VIDEO GAME HAS PROVEN ITSELF TO BE SENTIENT AND IS MOCKING THE DEATH OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND, I can well imagine.

“I was placed in a dark london street. No cars, no noise. Just one person. Sam. I didnt know whether to be happy to see her, to be sad that i knew it was all fake, or to be angry for not being able to say I love you one more time to her.” –While I don’t understand why this had to be a dark London street and not just a dark, foggy city which you couldn’t make the details out, but that’s just a personal nitpick. Like I said before: Decent idea, poor execution due to word choice.

“Her face was fragile and silky smooth just how I had remembered. I threw my arms around her as quickly as I could and began to sob unbelieveably hard. My heart-felt moment soon turned into pure horror. When I hugged Sam, her body felt like….like..like that goddamned hair I found in our bed.” –On one hand, this is a nice callback to that bizarre event that happened to you earlier in the story to draw forth and elaborate on the conclusion you’re about to reach. On the other hand, how would you know her face was silky smooth if she felt like that alien strand of hair? Do you mean her face LOOKED silky smooth? Clarification would have been nice.

“Opening my eyes I saw what I was now actually hugging. Replacing Sam was Darkrai himself.” –I think we all saw this coming, but I won’t harp on it too much. I’ve already explained how this was a decent reveal to a few decent hints sprinkled through the story… if the wording were a little better, anyway.

“‘Shes all mine now’ I began to sob even harder.” –I know you’re saying that Darkrai said this and you’re the one crying because of it, but if you just added a few words-like “he sneered” or something-it would have removed any confusion that might have been laid out due to this sentence’s confusing structure.

“Had my love been killed by..by this black entity. ‘Why?’ Thats all I could say. Instead of speaking only in fours like he had previously done” –You mean in place of the four moves that normally are placed under the Pokémon? He never SPOKE in four words (except that last part just a moment ago) it was written out in place of his moveset. It would only make sense that he would speak in longer sentences.

And now, we come to… it. The big one. The part of the story that made me flip my keyboard in rage and truly HATE the story:

“he exclaimed ‘You ever wonder why so many people die playing pokemon? Im that reason. The suicides in Japan? Me!’”

…

“All of this made sense. The kids probably were controlled to suicide in their sleep. Their own willpower must’ve not been enough to stop Darkrai’s assault on their minds.”

•••

“‘Every event that distributes pokemon to you foolish humans, is another gateway from our realm to yours. You dont even know that every so often Darkrais like myself are incorporated into every event.’”

You worthless, inconsiderate FUCKWAD. You REALLY just used suicide as a catalyst for your stupid fucking story. CHILDREN’S suicides at that. And for what? Just to say “oooh look my character is the evulz lol”? NO! YOU DO NOT FUCKING DO THAT YOU ASSWIPE. SUICIDE IS A REAL FUCKING ISSUE, AND IN WORST-CASE SCENARIOS IS THE END RESULT OF THE “DEPRESSION” THAT YOU CLAIM CAN ONLY BE HEALED BY LOVE.

There are a few things that only the best of Authors can pull off, and even then they have to be VERY careful when writing it. Child Molestation, Rape, and Suicide are among them, and are the most common to use blindly for a cheap “scare” or pity points.

I’ll be the first to say Suicide is the coward’s way out, but I understand that some people honestly cannot see any other way out of their situation. It’s a sad, sad event to happen, AND THESE PEOPLE DO NOT DESERVE THIS. ALL THE CHILDREN WHO ACTUALLY KILLED THEMSELVES IN JAPAN DO NOT DESERVE THIS WORTHLESS TRIPE TO TAKE A STAB AT WHY THEY KILLED THEMSELVES.

“‘But you said you loved me. What kind of LOVE IS THIS??’ I said while wiping tears from my eyes. ’ We Darkrai like giving false hope. We arent meant to be played. We were made TO KILL!’” –This is just stupid. You throw away any intrigue and mystery you might have built up just to make your character evil. You have failed so hard that there are no words to describe just how MUCH you’ve failed.

“…………………………………………….Hello this is Wilfred French with the 11oclock news.” –Ellipses do not for a great transition make. I see what you were trying to accomplish, but again, the way you wrote it just caused it to fall apart.

“Police today are still trying to patch together how a young man aged 24 died in his parents house late last night. No signs of forced entry were found.” –It could have been suicide. Unless you specify that the cause of death was homicide, saying “he died in his parent’s house” could have been anything, even a heart attack. Saying “no signs of forced entry were found” would only work if, say, he was strangled.

“The toxicology reports havent come in yet but the most peculiar thing in the house was a long black stand of hair next to his bed. Before the Police could use it as any evidence, one officer said it vanished.” –And just like everything else in this story, this is a decent idea that suffered from terrible execution: Final proof that Darkrai’s fur… hair… whatever, proof that it vanishes without a trace, leaving no evidence that it was ever there.

And now, my final thoughts… look, Author. I can see that you TRIED here. I pointed out the sections of the story where you actually did things right. I know I got rather loud. I went all-caps on you and called you names out of anger for what you wrote. But I want you to understand, even if you’ve abandoned this little story and will never look at this site for the rest of your life, I want to get this out as self-therapy:

I don’t hate you. I’m angry with what you’ve written, but not you yourself. This wasn’t said in a mean-spirited way. You said stupid things, but as I’ve discussed earlier, I like to think you’re someone in High School, if that. You’re going to grow up, and you’re going to continue to improve.

Many people on this site will lash at the Author when they read something particularly bad. My little brother actually suggested that I tell you, Author, to cut off your hands because, and I quote, “that’s what you say on the site when you’re angry at a story.” I don’t want you to cut off your hands. I don’t want you to stop writing.

I’m still mad at this story, don’t get me wrong. But after this in-depth dissection of it, and as I type these words, I realize that this isn’t the worst story in the world. When I find a story that has NOTHING good about it and makes the world a worse place because it exists, I will call that the worst story in the world. I don’t think that’s going to happen.

“Tears of a Shadow” shows us that the fellow commenters on the site will band together for the purpose of encouraging and helping one another.

“did you stumble across herobrine?” reminds us just how popular a small indie game eventually became, to the point where stories about it have its own category on this site.

And this story? You had a basic understanding of structuring a story. You had hints of good writing buried underneath these details. As for calling Therapy worthless, or using Suicide as a means to show off how evil your villain is? Well. I can only hope that you’ll understand why this is bad yourself once you’ve had time to grow up.

And there you have it, folks. I did it. I found not only a good thing, but SEVERAL good things about my most hated story on this site. Once again, I’m sorry for taking up so much of your time with a review that, according to word, has reached 7900 words by this point. I hope whoever reads this finds something to chew on. I know I certainly did.

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