I was sitting this afternoon outside a pub called the Leigh Arms, it's a little way outside Northwich and is entirely blameless and does really good tomato and basil soup.

Anyway I was sitting at a table outside, enjoying the fine soup and a beer, when a guy turned up with a young springer spaniel. It couldn't have been more than six months old and was consequently bouncing around in the excited way that they do. He had it on a lead and even then it was trying to investigate everything and make friends with everybody in range. Then for some reason he let it off the lead while he went into the pub.

Within seconds said spaniel pup ran up to me and jumped up with its paws on the table, which wasn't attached to the ground, rocking the table and spilling about 3/4 of a pint of Black Sheep bitter over my phone.

I then did every single thing you should not do with a beer soaked phone.

I tried to see if it still worked by turning it on. Which it did briefly before the screen began glitching and it turned itself off. I then dried it with toilet paper and held it under the hand dryer with the back off. Then tried to turn it back on, which resulted in the same.

At which point I went back outside to confront the fool who'd let his wee spaniel run amok but he'd buggered off.

And now the fucking thing won't turn on at all, which is unsurprising as leaving the battery in anything electrical and wet then repeatedly pressing the on button is going to fry it better than a Scottish pizza.