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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Why Nice Guys Come Last

The end of innocence is when you realize that your knight in shining armour was more fiction than reality. Where friendzoned is a stigma worse than a woman running after you with a Rakhi. Where men make you feel guilty for not falling in love with them.

Disclaimer:
This is not a generalization, but rather an observation borne of some years of
life experience, a few of which were spent in the dating circuit.

If I lost a brain cell for every time I’ve heard “nice guys always come last”, I’d be Rahul Gandhi. From whiny posts about the Friendzone to vitriolic rage in the YouTube comments section, females of the human species are frequently made to feel guilty for all the nice guys they reject in favour of apparent douchebags.

Let me clear up something before I’m accused of being a feminazi, or worse, an empowered woman who doesn’t need the validation of a man to live: douche-y people can come from all backgrounds, ethnicities, cultures and yes, genders. There may actually be guys out there who are genuinely nice, and got dumped for someone they perceived as undeserving. However, from overwhelming evidence based on personal experience, I have found the Nice Guy Hypothesis to be faulty. You may think you know a story, but you only know how it ends. So let me start at the beginning.

I grew up, like many girls, on a steady diet of fairy tales and in my naiveté, I “dated” my first boyfriend when I was in middle school. He was the archetypal “nice guy”. Expressive, attentive, given to great displays of generosity. He called every night and even got me flowers on Valentine’s Day. It ended with quite a bang, with yours-truly being declared a “slut” for breaking up with a guy who used guilt as a relationship tactic. I was shamed; a “bitch” that did not deserve him. I felt something was warped in this whole incident, but it took years of perspective to truly understand my first mistake.

Law A: Nice guys, under close observation, are not as nice as they think

Sure, he drove you home, he talked to you till the sun came up, he bought you a promise ring. But how “nice” is he if he threatens to kill you for daring to break up with him? And that’s the problem, right there. The most terrible people raise the most hue and cry when they think they are wronged. Law B: Nice guys cannot be said to be nice, if they do so only to get into your pants

The Friendzone is the single shittiest invention since the nuclear bomb. So you’re really nice to someone, you help her with her homework, you’ve met her parents, she even begins sharing her biggest secrets with you and…oops, you’re in the Friendzone. Confused?

Do you want to know why you were friendzoned? It’s because you were friendly! Just because you pretended to be her friend, doesn’t mean she owes you anything. If she really likes you, she will say so.

Law C: Niceness cannot exist in a vacuum

Being nice is a big plus. Most girls don’t want to date a guy who treats them like trash. But be honest with yourself (guys and girls) – would you date someone who is really nice but has no other definable characteristic or anything in common with you? No, don’t give me that “opposites attract” nonsense. Paula Abdul isn’t the authority on relationships. How do you propose to sustain a relationship if you have nothing in common to talk about?

So, to all you nice guys who guilt women and treat them like lost trophies – please get over it. If you think she’s a bitch, move on and find someone else you can plague. If you think she dumped you for a grade-A asshole, move on and find a girl who believes she deserves to be loved as much as you love her. If you love her that much, fight for her, continue to be by her side, but be prepared for the fact that she can’t choose who she falls in love with. Love is bloody complicated and honestly, if you want to avoid heartbreak, I recommend moving to a monastery and take a vow of chastity.

53 comments:

:) A very well written post, Miss Tee. I have found the friend zone quite strange and guilt is never a good tactic. You need to give space and freedom. People just enter into a relationship to look cool, without really understanding themselves and what they want. My reply when I got my Dear John letter was to wish her luck and hope that we would meet again someday somewhere and laugh about the past. Never called her again or talked about it to anyone. Maybe it hurt, but only for for a while. Life moves on, I guess. We can either continue to wail in our sorrow or stand up, dust the clothes and then again walk with more strength. Also, sometimes it never helps if a girl makes the first move.

Thank you, thank you.The courtship dance is so unnecessarily complicated really. I've often wondered why we're even built that way. A family environment that is open and non-judgmental is sooo key in a healthy relationship. *old lady voice* Kids these days. Tut tut.

However, I've only used guilt under duress..On the other hand I'm notoriously prone to ignoring her for long periods of time. I will talk for ever (or at least until I fall asleep), I'm not much of a gift giver.

On second thoughts maybe I'm not the nice guy. Just clueless.

True story coming up:

So I'm at a friends place for dinner. At this point I'm married with two kids. In walks this girl (lady) with her husband and kid. I haven't seen her in a decade, at least. We chat. "Hey how are you?" from me. I then found out she knows all about me over the last decade or so, what I've been doing, kids etc. I'm a little taken aback. Then she drops it. "Remember that other time at S's place, I waited alone in the dark room with you, but you didn't make a move.."

The thing is - I didn't have clue I was supposed to have. I wonder how many other "opportunities" I squandered. The late 70's and very early 80's were a long time ago, and I don't remember all of them... sigh

I really don't like that term: "nice guy". I mean, it's completely subjective, isn't it? Some people like the "wet blanket, never-leave-my-sight" approach. Others hate it.

Ah, that story makes me cringe. Poor lady, and poor you. In a situation like that, there is really no "correct" move. Depending on what you do you are a tease/desperate/gormless/a creep. I look forward to a day when women and men can approach each other freely, with no shaming and labeling.

I once met a nice guy and he was so nice to be true, when he later turned so possessive he wouldn't let me talk to other male friends and started making decisions for me.. so for everyone else he was the epitome of male evolution but I knew him better ! Well later I became the bitch obviously. :D

I am not in the dating circuit but I totally get it when you say, "But how “nice” is he if he threatens to kill you for daring to break up with him? And that’s the problem, right there. The most terrible people raise the most hue and cry when they think they are wronged."

That's some pretty good writing. You hit the nail smack on the head there, and I must say I completely agree with you. As I keep saying, these nice guy chaps are total losers. In fact, I really don't know why human evolution is taking so long to kill off these obnoxious creatures. I'm so disgusted with them, that when I happen to meet one of the members of this species, only the existence of section 302 of the Indian Penal Code prevents me from squelching him under my boot.

But the good thing is, you see less and less of these disgusting fools every year. It seems that the two-pronged attack of human evolution and women's neglect is finally disposing of them. So don't worry Miss Tee - I'm sure in a few years the last of these miserable creeps are going to be wiped off the face of the earth. And then we will be left with only asshole and douchebag men. Now that would be a great thing for women and for humanity in general, wouldn't you agree Miss Tee?

Human evolution and natural selection too, to be fair, are not the perfect processes they are made out to be.We, the women of the world are tired of meeting nice guys who turn out to be douchebags. Douchebags, on the other hand are deep down, in the dark recesses of their hearts, still douchebags. No surprises. I mean, it is after all completely our fault if anything goes wrong anyway, right? If he's a nice guy, we are unworthy. If he's a douchebag, we have no self-respect. If nice guys are facing extinction, it's because we are"neglecting them".

Certainly, the extinction of all miserable creeps from all ends of the niceness spectrum couldn't come sooner.

However much you love someone, rejection is something inevitable: either in life or death. As one grows in a relationship, sometimes people outgrow them, and if people accepted it in good grace, a lot of breakups would end up in everlasting friendships. But unfortunately most people take it as an ego hassle and not as a sign that that some people appear in your lives with a limited time period. And then there are the masked people, who've mastered the art of deception. “A lie that is half-truth is the darkest of all lies.”― Alfred Tennyson

I loved your write-up about 'Nice Guys' turning out not-so-nice after all, with only one addition: I'd say it is a human fallacy and not gender-oriented.

Ah, I did try making it as gender-unbiased as possible, but I am limited by my experiences :)Niceness isn't usually intrinsic, but something you have to work on. However, once you do, you have to be consistent and that's when things start getting tough.

I have this theory - Women like bad boys because they like fixing things and producing a better version of it. With nice guys, there is no scope of improvement..infact they get boring after sometime BUT bad boys are unpredictable. Also, the pride you get when you finally turn a bad boy into a nice one is amazing.

But what happens when the bad boy becomes a nice boring boy? Do you still continue or do you go on with your search for the next bad boy... I am still working on that theory :P

Fantastic post Purba ! You hit the nail on the head. Sometimes nice guys are plain boring and if that critical zing, is not present in the relationship, then well , friendzoned it is :) I didnt even know such a word existed - thanks for the introduction !

It was a nice post but at the same time girls do put "nice" guys in the friendzone. How else is a guy supposed to approach a girl if he is not friendly at first? Then, it really hurts when she goes and clings to the nearest douche bag she finds. I have seen quite a few girls who be with these friendly guys just to use their good nature. Yes, most of those guys are utter idiots no doubt. After a few instances, I started following a principle of flirting along with being friendly. Also, being a jerk works with most girls. Maybe, the reason is, like most guys, most girls are stupid. My last break up was very confusing. Before starting a relationship, I had specifically told the girl I can not tolerate irrationality. When I broke up over that reason, I was suddenly the bad guy. What would you say in this case? In the end, I would agree with most of your points and believe me, I have been at the other end and it is equally shitty.

You sound like man weary of relationships :PEverybody is kinda stupid when it comes to relationships, and it is so because we rarely know what we want. Being a jerk is horrible. Please do not do that to anyone you like. Just be you, don't force yourself to act against your principles.Haan, being friendly is an oft-used tactic but I reiterate: If she likes you, she will say so and she also cannot choose who she will fall for. Of course, if she's a douchebag (yes, they exist among all genders) then she's really not worth the trouble.

It is a very nice post, the nice guy terminology is over exaggerated and is a safe zone for most guys than accepting that they are being creeps or a little freakish as well. And from what I observe, the so called nice guys are the last to take any initiative, responsibility, they find it easy to hide under the cloak of a nice guy and pretend as if they do not know what happened. Truth being that they do not actually want to know what happened or they do not care. So much for the idea of a :"Nice Guy"

Nice guys...are hard to find, There is always this motive behind niceness. A real nice guy won't mind if you are just his friend. I am telling this after being married to a nice guy who has never been bad. :) The nice guys will throw you in the guilt cabin and you will feel bad but will they really be there for you. A "nice guy" role play that is what you get. Brilliant Post!

hmm this happens when you don't have transparency in life.i dunno why people live such complicated life. i do stay away from such people coz its like inviting sadness into life knowingly.you will find such people more around us and people will never change their attitude when it comes to expression or maintaining transparency in feelings.hmm its very suffocating life when you don't express everything with clarity.

many people say that freud lived all his life questioning "what women want?" its really simple ,if you don't maintain transparency or express yourself ,none of us is going to know . if you dunno how to address a relationship with clarity then a person should not call himself/herself as educated.even the wisest man on earth can read a person with 90% perfection,do ya want people to analyse your emotions on own or do ya like to express yourself to keep things and life simple.

i did face same thing with my 2ex-gfs,they never express or they never speak their mind.a person who lives with secrets and hidden emotions can never live happily.people don't have same magnitude of emotions on 1st day and 90th day.my gfs din't last more than 3 months coz there is no transparency in their behavior.

there are only two kinds of people in this world.people who are good and people who act as good according to circumstances and opportunistic behavior.people who are really good maintain absolute transparency and morals in every aspect of life.transparency in life makes life easy and happy coz you have nothing to hide and you are free from ego to have any kinda conversation to solve any issue that surfaces in your life.so whenever i meet someone ,i make things very clear and say all the above lines to make a relationship simple,but people would never like to follow above lines.

till date, i din't see a wise and pretty woman who has more substance.even in cyber world, when you write something with more substance in a woman's blog,they are not going to like those writings.i dunno when women will become as wise as men,am looking forward for that from my childhood.i don't hate women,but its truth about girls aka women.they are too superficial.truth is,women can't think beyond certain extent.

hmm to all feminists and people who believe in gender equality,truth will always remain bitter and you should accept it and live with it.

Finding that one person who you gel with and understand completely is tough, but it becomes impossible with a jaded outlook on life."What do women want" is another one of those questions that really get on my nerves. It's an issue made problematic by eons of weird courtship rituals and norms.Why aren't women direct? Maybe because women are, in a patriarchal society, expected to submissive. A women who is frank about what, or who, she wants is labelled a "slut", a "bitch" and a "whore".It's pretty tough meeting a beautiful man with a beautiful mind too, believe me.

From the tone of your comment, I'd say that staying away from women for the rest of your life would be better for you, and for womankind in general.

wow, women who are frank are never labelled as slut but women who use their sexuality to get their things done are termed as slut or any other words.people who use such words are insecure and immature people who lack character.i never used such words in my entire life but i find more vulgar words being used by woman bloggers to define themselves free and independent.if freedom or gender equality is all about using f-words and s-words, then one should call themselves illiterate or uneducated.being not direct is behavior of an opportunist who weighs different options for their comfort.do you think woman bloggers in 21st century are still living in patriarchal society to not to express opinion frankly.i din't write above lines blindly ,after going though thousands of women in real and cyber world,i came to that conclusion.

hmm am not a bitter man,am bitter for people who don't have clarity in life or who who don't have acceptance to truth.staying away from womankind is funny coz i have huge fan following among girls aka women from my school days.

There are no fairy-tales, the sooner we accept the fact, the better. There are no perfect endings, we just have to make do with a tale which makes us happy, even though it might be with a not so perfect guy. Perfection, my friend - is a myth!

To this date I never understood the concept of friend zone. I Mean how can you love a person who cannot even be a friend. I was once shamed for not falling for a nice guy. My friends actually cornered me and asked me to list points why I rejected him. As you said nice is a criteria but not the only criteria. Loved reading the post.

i like the balance between emotional and rational. A lot of nice guys have tried to melt a girls heart with their persistence but then love is love it happens and it doesn't. Why doesn't he love me or she love me, is something noone can answer. In any friendship when one side falls in love, teh other side only ends up explaining reasons why they don't love instead of being a friend.

Nice post. I'd argue that all nice persons aren't that nice in truth - one has to put up constant passive-aggressive shit with them. No wonder I've developed a preference for tomboy-ish type of bold girls.