Saturday, January 17, 2009

Pactum Serva

The afternoon was warm, so I decided to take Arianrhod out of the paddock for her first hosing of the winter. Achmed was pulling on my boots in the kitchen when Madame Boyo came in. She told the boy they'd never suit him, so he slouched off to his kiosk barefoot.

She turned to me, her face pale, pinched and querulous. A vein squirmed from one end of her eyebrow to the other. Her fists bunched like ribs through the pockets of her Mao jacket. Everything was as it ought to be. Then she said:

"Three men are waiting for you in the drawing room. They are all Welsh. I've had to lock the dogs in the neighbours' wendy house."

'Odd. The Rugby Union selectors don't normally turn up until February,' I thought to myself as the allyah-oiled door slid open across our best Bokhara rug. Then my guests rose to greet me - Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen, David Emanuel and the late Leo Abse, who was the first to speak.

I sat on the arm of the chesterfield. "A sad loss to Wales, and therefore the world," I remarked.

"Sadder than you think," continued Abse. "He was our leading nobleman, hereditary ostler to the Court of Senghenydd, and an under-rated political satirist. All of this is true. But it is truer still that he was the last Cotsengi."

A drink sounded like a good idea. I said nothing, but three hip-flasks of gin were offered up to my quivering lips.

"You mean his brother Roddy, surely?" I murmured through a mouthful of Bols.

"If not," I ventured, "perhaps you could bring my readers up to date on the Cotsengi and his ways?"

"An honour," bowed Bowen. "As Edward Longshanks lay on his two deathbeds, legend has it that he was attended by a Welsh monk of the order of Saint David, a Brother Ystlum. Wracked with guilt for foisting a gay English on the Welsh as their prince, he sought absolution from the priest.

"Ystlum said he would guide the future Edward II wisely if, in return, Longshanks decreed that a true Welsh should bed each woman that might aspire to marry into the Royal House of England. The dying King agreed, and the line of the Cotsengi was created."

Emanuel lit a cheroot and took up the tale. "In each generation, the greatest rutters, buffers, boffers and boulevardiers of our mountain race have named one of their number to lie with these ladies, so that no munters or psychoes should taint the sang réal. Fact!"

"From Ystlum himself, through Rhowter Hers, who mounted most of the Plantagenets, Nell Gwyn, the finest female impersonator of the Restoration, and right up to Lloyd George, Ivor Novello, Lord Harlech and then Sir Dai, a Welsh has test-driven every princess, at least two princes and, memorably, Oliver Cromwell.

"The only gap was during the Tudors, when the royals was all Welshes anyway. And the chosen one has borne the august title of Cotsengi - Hound of the Ladygarden." The pride rang ripe in Llywelyn-Bowen's voice.

"I have heard of this," I replied. "But why have you come to me? Do you really want my opinion? Do the words 'Tom' and 'Jones' mean nothing to you?"

Emanuel spat in the fireplace, sending sparks flying across the room. "Tom's been out of it too long, man! He can't handle these new girls. A pierced navel and his head of curls is an accident waiting to happen."

"It's not your views we want, Boyo. It's you," said Abse quietly.

"No." I wandered over to the window and watched Madame Boyo at the pond showing Arianrhod how to fish with a Mauser. "How could I do it to her?"

"Well, not within an hour or so of covering some Sloane, anyway," noted Emanuel. "Even your pods need time to refill, innit?"

Abse laid his hand on my raised arm. "Think of it, man! If the line is broken, Longshanks is freed from his bond. God alone knows what further horrors he might visit on Wales from beyond the grave!"

Llywelyn-Bowen stood beside me, his eyes trained on the watchtower over by the plague pits. "It's Wales. You know that. Nothing is bigger than Wales."

"Except an area of rainforest twice the size of Wales, and most Australian farms," added Emanuel, who had made himself comfortable on the regimental thunderbox.

"I should have realised it wasn't Roddy," I muttered at last. "Armstrong-Jones had already vouched for Princess Margaret."

"We don't need an answer, Boyo." There was a firm tenderness in Abse's voice as he opened a Gladstone bag embossed with the initials D.L. and various teethmarks. On the Ottoman he laid out a garden swing, a pair of stirrups, a doublet and a slate codpiece. "We'll leave these with you. You'll need them."

I watched them walk down the drive towards the waiting Hillman Imp. Madame Boyo emerged from the grandfather clock with a ring of bright snappers in her gloved hand.

"Kannst du diese für das Abendessen kochen?" She wagged the bait back and forth as Arianrhod leapt about her knees.

Llewelyn-Bowen, Emanuel and Abse are steeped in the Rougist theories of historical determinism, Boyo, and they can be trusted on this. But it's a dangerous job - remember, that Dodi ap-Ffyedd was a Cotsengi too.

You're right about the Triawd Tost, Gadjo, as our three leaders are known, but wrong on young "Lecha" Dodi, as we used to call him. Cornishmen come close to the Welsh, but only when we've left our oars at home.

Gyppo, What exactly was this Icke fellow playing in the goal, and didn't the footballers mind? And on this blog it's called Occupied Hereford (Henffordd wedi ei meddiannu), by the way.

GB, as Andrew may have been the result of the monarch's 30-year service from the then Lord Harlech you're probably right.

Wales expects, and all that. I note your use of the expression "munter" - is that a Welshism, as I've only ever heard it from the lips of one of your countrymen - along with "chucking one's monkey" for the process of ejaculation.

I bow to your greater knowledge in these things, Boyo - young Lecha's name just looked so ripe for a bit of amateur Welshification! Lord Snowdon is a Welsh, surely; so maybe the quickest and Welshest route to power is to bed his daughter Lady Sarah and then eliminate the rest of them.

"Chucking the monkey" is new to me, and a worthy addition to the English lexicon of self-abuse.

As a letter-writer to Viz's "Fuck Knows" column recently remarked, the collocation "present active participle + definite article + noun" is guaranteed to summon up images of a science graduate hunched over his keyboard with a Japanese expression on his face. I really think so.

"Chucking the monkey" is new to me, and a worthy addition to the English lexicon of self-abuse. Hey everybody, lets have a competition for the top ten epithets for masturbation. Only rule is that they have to be pertinent to each competitor's current cultural circumstances.

Re. that evocative m-word, I found a 7" single in Lawrence Records, Nashville, last March teasingly entitled 'You Made My Sun Come Up' by Ed Munter (20th Century Records, 1975). I was too cheap to buy it, I just wrote down the title in my notebook. Below that I noted two worthy-sounding songs from Moe Bandy: 'When It Comes To Cowgirls (I Just Can't Say No)' and 'All My Friends And All My Beer Are Gone.' I hope you appreciate the lengths I travel to bring you vaguely amusing C&W song titles.

Wales is similar to the south in that there are certain cities where you can be arrested for not being in a fight by midnight on a Saturday. But is it warm enough in Wales to go straight down to the river on Sunday morning and have the sin washed out of your blood-stained shirt?

Well, NGB, congratulations with the new job. It means you would be able to dispense with the usual daily self-gratification now. Besides, that passage "A vein squirmed from one end of her eyebrow to the other" is sure to warrant you a month on the living room coach, so you will be up to the challenges in no time. Avoid cabbage in large quantities and too much alcohol just before the task and everything will be just peachy.

Snoopy, Clarissa, you are generous with your offers and advice. Assuming I accept the Heimatklang, you will be the first to know. I gather Prince Hal has dropped his current squeeze, so the game may be afoot shortly.

I apologise for the lack of posts. I completed a work of Brucknerian intensity and significance yesterday, only to delete it by accident. It was good training in Zen discipline, eventually. I'll try to sort it out today.

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