Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a
light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are
improving every day.

Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the
liberal media.

That light bulb has served honorably, and
anything you say undermines the lighting effect.

Why do you hate freedom?

====

Submitted by: Wendy in Aptos

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and Said "All I want out
of life is four little animals, just like my mom always says."

The teacher asked "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said. "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all."

====

Submitted by Peg in foster city:

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive

woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman
and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the
sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a
response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After
reading the note,
the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note,
handed
it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches
off. Just send the bottle back."

===

Submitted by Laura (no city)

All the obits written about Saddam were incomplete. A corrected copy:

He was predeceased by two sons, Uday and Qusay, and is survived by 15 sons:

Sooflay, a restaurateur, Guday, who lives in Australia, Huray, a sports
fanatic, Sashay, who is gay, Kuntay and Kintay, twins living in Africa,
Sayhay, a baseball player, Ojay, a stalker and murderer, Gulay, a
singer and entertainer, Ebay, an internet entrepreneur, Biliray, a
country music star, Ecksray, a radiologist, Puray, a manufacturer of
kitchen blenders, Raygay, who lives in Jamaica, and Tupay, who is bald,

and by seven daughters, Lattay, a coffee shop owner, Bufay, a big
eater, Dushay, owner of a feminine care products company, Phayray, an
actress, Sapheway, a grocery store owner, Ollay, who lives in Mexico,
and Gudlay, a prostitute.

There is reportedly another surviving son, Oyvay, but he has been
disowned by the family.

====

Submitted by Tom (no city)

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

====

Submitted by Rob (no city)

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving
drinks to an eager looking group of men.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”

“I was just wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the
hand jobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”

The man replies, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

====

Submitted by Mike in Petaluma

My wife and I were sharing a bottle of wine when
I said, "I bet you can't tell me something
which will make me happy and sad at the same time".

My wife thought for a few moments, then said,

"Your penis is a little bigger than your brother's".

===

Submitted by Stan in Belmont

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

===
Submitted by Bob in San Mateo

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.

"We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

===

Submitted by Lois in Millbrae

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about
the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third
remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came
to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She
said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

====

Submitted by Phyllis in San Jose

A missionary gets sent into deepest, darkest Africa and goes to live
with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to
read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he
particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit
adultery nor fornication!!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white
child. The village people are shocked and the chief is sent by his
people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman
gave birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever
set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has
been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you
have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to
thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is
one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says
"Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say
anything about the white child"!

===

Submitted by Bob in Pleasanton

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a
penis was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00,
they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to
give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After
$250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was
to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to
keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

====
Submitted by Roseanne (no city)

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody
asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died
before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our
wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat
on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

====

Submitted by Bill in Walnut Creek

Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm
spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they
happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a
woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left
his friends and took off running for home.

The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same
hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a
few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.

On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again
after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But
this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.

Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked
woman, I would turn to stone...

And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard… "

====

Submitted by Barbara in Oakland

A Frenchman, an Italian and an American are heading off to war when the
Frenchman bragged that he made love to his wife 3 times last night to
say goodbye.

“Yeah, well I made love to my wife 6 times last night to say goodbye to
her,” the Italian boasted.

“What about you, Mr. American?” asked the Frenchman.

“I only made love to my wife once last night.”

“Is that all? What did she say this morning ?”

“Don’t stop!”

====

Submitted by Paul in San Lorenzo

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the
afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to
hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this
problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets
on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way and Bill
asks, "How bad was it down there?" The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of
hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now. There's one
thing up there I have been looking forward to." Bill asks, "What is
that?" The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary." Bill, shakes
his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."

====

Stanley in San Bruno

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female
(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that
computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for
drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as,
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

===

Submitted by Jim in Hayward

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the
entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I
don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and
that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside
and showed her a passage which read, . . .

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

===

Submitted by Bob in Oakland

Hidden Talents

These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking
about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don't get it,"
complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no
taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always
manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!" "Yeah," replies
his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationally, all he does is
sit there and lick his eyebrows."

===

Submitted by San Mateo

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did
you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

====

Submitted by John in Fremont

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations
at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with
the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he
dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There
sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and
the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a
bastard in the family than a lawyer."

----

Submitted by Rick in Hayward

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000
and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a
dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales
clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker
the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?"
"I am actually 47." That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up
your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let
him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the
old man said, "Ok, You are 47."

Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"

=====

Barbara in Berkeley

Johnnie Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted
to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer
suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr.
Cochran what he was doing on his property.

"Retrieving a duck that I just shot," he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the
farmer.

Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.

"No," replied the farmer. "I don't know, and I don't care."

"I am Johnnie Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the reply.
"I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free
man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your
farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless
on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3
kicks law'."

"Never heard of it," said Johnnie.

The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to
your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours."

Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and
figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said.

So the farmer kicked Johnnie violently in the groin. As he was doubling
over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he
kicked him hard in the ribs. Several moments later, Johnnie slowly made
it back to his feet.

"All right, now it's my turn", said Johnnie.

"Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

R&B
Joke Hour, October 27, 2006

Submitted by Jim in Boulder Creek

Mowing and Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the
eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's
why she cuts the grass."

===

Submitted by Moonbabe

GEORGE AND THE PARROT

Laura Bush bought her husband a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick
Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to
pronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive", Cheney said, "but you realize that he
just says the words. He doesn't really understand what they mean."

"That's OK", Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot".

===

Submitted by Sherry in Newark

A man escapes from prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in
there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He has
probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain ... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets
angry, he could kill us both. Be strong honey, I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love
you too!"

===

Submitted by Jim in Boulder Creek

A Country Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The
funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man
would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a
typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I
saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was
nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of
the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the
workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to
do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my
heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and
"Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before:

From Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

===

Submitted by Lynn

1. An invisible man married an invisible women - their children were
nothing to look at.

2. Two antennas got married. Their
marriage ceremony wasn't good, but their reception was excellent.

=====

Submitted by Debbi in Benicia

What do you call a baby born in a whore house?

A brothel sprout!!

====

Submitted by Chuck in San Jose

President Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the
corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in
the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

A couple of days later, Bush is running with his buddy Senator Bill Frist
and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Bush says to Bill,
"You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Bush says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little
kittens.
Hey, kid, tell my friend the Senator what kind of kittens they are." The boy
replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!" Bush says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were
Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

====

Submitted by Chuck in San Jose

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and
ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says,

"How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm
celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says
the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked,

"What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years
all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized
eggs."

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at
me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood,
and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
===

Submitted by Dan

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and
bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock
dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry
all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was
approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley
We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

===

Submitted by Marilyn

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

===

Submitted by Jay

Texas Chivalry

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was
stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central
London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent
white
horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their
side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was
going well.

This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse
let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence
ever
heard and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries
did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was
a ridiculous
manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr.
Bush and explained,

"Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you
understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty,
please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said
something I would
have assumed it was one of the horses."

====

Submitted by Jay

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare
species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult
to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the
problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of
Eddie, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's
cages.

Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought
they might have a solution.

Eddie was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think
the matter over carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their
offer, but onlyunder the following 3 conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

And last of all Eddie stated, "You've got to give me another
week to come up with the $500.00."

===

Submitted by
Mary in Concord

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental
hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, he
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news
she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news"

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally
respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I
have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that
Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to
his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?"

===

Submitted by Dee in San Jose

A Kindergarten
teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She
would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They
will in a minute."
===

Submitted by John

What do you get when you cross Lassie with a
cantelope? Melancholy
===Submitted by Tom

Paddy staggered home very late after
another evening with his drinking
Buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigit.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his backside was cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the
now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and
backside and Brigit staring at him from across the room. She said, "You
were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigit said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene
got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant
again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

===

Submitted by Al

Bono, the lead signer of the band U2 is
famous throughout the entertainment
industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the
audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every
few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd,
pierces the silence...

"Well, fucking stop it then!"===

Submitted by I.M.

So, this man walks into his psychiatrist's
office wearing only Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "clearly, I can see you're
nuts.

===

Submitted by Tony in Sunnyvale

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did
this to you?

I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
suit steps out of the
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and
tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

R&B Joke Hour,
April 7, 2006

Submitted by Donna

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear
on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for
"Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball
bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the
homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there
and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off,
the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then
be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He
hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

---

Submitted by Stan in Belmont

The day after his wife disappeared in a
kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced
Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilken, but we have some information about your wife," said one
trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilken shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good
news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had twenty, five pound king
crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilken demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow ! "

---

Submitted by Ben

Two dwarfs go into a bar,
where they pick up two women and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf,
however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact
that, from the next room,
he hears his little friend shouting out cries of
"Here I come again! One,
two, three, uh," all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even
get on the bed...."

---

Submitted by Mike in Vallejo

A guy sits down at the bar and orders 6
vodka shots. "Rough day?" asks the bartender. "Just found out my younger
brother's gay," said the man. "Well.... hang in there," said the bartender.

The next day the same guy sits down at the bar and, again, orders 6 vodka shots.
"Another rough day?" asks the bartender. "I just found out my older
brother's gay, too, " said the man. "Wow, that's a lot to deal with. Tell you
what, this is on me," said the bartender.

The very next day the same guy sits down at the bar and, once again, orders 6
vodka shots. "Jesus, buddy," said the bartender. "Doesn't anyone in your
family like women?" The man looked up from his drink and said, "Yeah, my wife"!

---

Submitted by Sharon in Morgan Hill

As President Bush gets off the helicopter
in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The
Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback
Hogs. I got one for Vice President Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary
Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

---

Submitted by Ted in Pittsburg

Bob was excited about his new rifle and
decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small black
bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned
around to see a big black bear. The bear said, "That was a very bad mistake.
That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to
death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the
black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob
soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where
he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on
his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly
said,

"That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices:
Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you."

Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be
mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it
took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged,
so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot
it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his
shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar
bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting,
do you?"

---

Submitted by Ethan

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr.
Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was
called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said,
"Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was
brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern
down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within
minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...
It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye
think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

---

Submitted by Bobbi in Chico

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself
seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy,
"What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet
the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse
produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

---

Submitted by Kelly in Fremont

There were four sophomores taking
chemistry and all had an "A" average so far.

The four friends were so confident, the weekend before finals, they decided to
visit some friends and have a party. They had a great time, but after all the
hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until
early Monday morning. Rather, than take the final, they decided that after the
final would have finished, they would explain to their professor why they missed
it. They reported they visited friends but on the way back to campus they had a
flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied. The Professor placed them in
separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first
problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each in separate rooms, thinking
this was going to be easy.

Then they turned the page...

On the second page was written: "For 95 points: Which tire was flat?"
---

Submitted by Jeanne in Napa Valley

Bubba died in a fire and his body was
burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they
sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done
everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said,
"Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician
rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that
was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and
said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him
over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you
tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" asked the mortician.

"Yup," said Gomer. "Everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to
town, folks would say, Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
---

Submitted by Peg in Foster City

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and
approaches a blonde sitting by herself :

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they open!"

---

Submitted by Peg in Foster City

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found
himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no
shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, now tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so
seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax"
him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare
chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I
hope not, it's only 2130 now."
---

Submitted by Norm in Millbrae

A pompous Baptist minister was seated
next to a cowboy in the first - class section of the plane on a flight to Texas.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a
whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let
liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too. I
didn't know we had a choice."

---

Submitted by Tim in Mountain View

An older couple were having memory
problems, and decided to consult with a "memory therapist."

Having a friend over for dinner, they told him about the therapist, and how
satisfied they were with the results.

The friend expressed great interest, saying he may want to consult with the
therapist also. "What's his name?" the friend inquired.

The man furrowed his brow for a few seconds, then said "What's the name of that
... thing on the end of a stem? ... a flower ... usually red ... and the stem
has thorns on it?"

"A rose?" the friend responded.

"THAT'S IT!" the man replied. Turning to his wife, he said "Rose, what was the
name of that therapist?"

---

Submitted by Neil in San Francisco

There was a lot of controversy about
'Crash' winning Best Picture over 'Brokeback Mountain' at this year's Oscars,
and there's one lesson to learn from this...that there's nothing wrong with
coming in number two.

---

Submitted by Jim in Boulder Creek

An Irish daughter had not been home for
over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why
did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not
understand what ye put yer old mum through?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this
family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,
title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to
the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend
New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... "

Two old guys are pushing their carts
around Home Depot when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying
attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's, OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does
your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter ... let's look for yours.

---

Submitted by Paul in Fremont

A young farmer who had been dating for
several years decided it was time to get married. He and his fiancee set the
date. Now on the night before their wedding, he informed her, "I want you to
promise me, after we are married, you will never look in the trunk of my car."
She reluctantly agreed.

On their 40th Anniversary, her curiosity after all these years, got the best of
her so she sneaked out and opened the trunk of her husband’s car. There she
found 3 ears of corn and $20,000 in cash. She quickly closed the trunk and went
back inside.

When her husband came in the room, she said to him, "Dear, I’m sorry. After all
these years I broke the promise I made to you before our wedding and looked in
the trunk of your car. I am truly sorry."

"But you promised," he said. "Why would you break your promise now?"

"I told you I was sorry. But what I don’t understand is what are the 3 ears of
corn for."

"Well," her husband said, "every time I was unfaithful to you during our
marriage, I threw an ear of corn in the trunk."

At first, his wife was quite upset. Then she realized that after 40 years of
marriage, there were only 3 ears of corn in the trunk, so she said, "OK, OK....
but where did you get $20,000 in cash?"

"Well," he said, "every time I got a bushel of corn, I sold it."
---

Submitted by Jim in Boulder Creek

A lady walks into a drug-store and tells
the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do
you need Cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you
Cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license,
they will throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any Cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed
with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Well, now. You didn't tell me
you had a prescription."

---

Submitted by Bob in San Rafael

My husband, being unhappy with my mood
swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my
moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad
mood, it leaves a big f'ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!

---

Submitted by Norm in Los Altos

Did you hear about the teacher who was
helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the
boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up
a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the
wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier
pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool
as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get
right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once
again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't
know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots
on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of
my boots..."

---

Submitted by Judy

Please pass this on to any woman you care
about...

A new scam is being pulled on women mainly in broad daylight.
What happens is that when the intended victim stops at a traffic light, an
almost NUDE, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to her car and
pretends to wash the windshield. While he is doing this, another young,
handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car, jumps in and insists the
woman drive off with him to some lonely spot, where he has his way with her.

They are very good at this!

They got me three times Friday and five times Saturday

I couldn't find them on Sunday.
---

Submitted by Emily

After having dug to a depth of 1,000
meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back
1,000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone
network all those centuries ago..

Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000
meters and shortly after headlines in the U. K. newspapers read: "English
archaeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cable and have
concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications
network a thousand years earlier than the French."

One week later, Israeli Newspapers reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists
had found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, concluded that, 5,000 years ago,
Jews were already using wireless technology."
---

Submitted by Dave in Philly

What do you call oral sex that lasts for
eight days?

Hanukah Lewinski!
---

Submitted by Mike in Danville

At Fiore'd Italia the other evening, a
guy walks up to Ronn while he's eating dinner. "You're Ronn Owens!" he cries.
"I just can't tell you how much I enjoy your program."

"Well," suggests Ronn, "send over someone who can."

---

Submitted by Mike in Danville

Two businessmen, vacationing at Miami
Beach were comparing notes. One said, "I'm here on insurance money. I
collected $50,000 for fire damage."

"Me too," said the other man, "but I got $200,000 for flood damage."

There was a long thoughtful pause. Then the first man asked, "Tell me, how do
you start a flood?"
---

Submitted by Tim

This had most of the state of Michigan
laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's the 8 inches you
promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half of the crew did too they were
laughing sooo hard!!
---

R&B Joke
Hour, February 3, 2006

Submitted by Sam and Bobbi

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track
of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I
couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "magic."

Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older
and my energy is somewhat reduced since you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a
few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that
tubby, easy-going men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great
lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f*** off.

---

Submitted by Liz in Petaluma
To deal with the threat of bird flu, President Bush has ordered a preemptive
bombing of the Canary Islands.

---

Submitted by Liz in Petaluma
A Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just
so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer

---

Submitted by Dan in Fremont

Bill Maher's Rules for 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And
by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I
don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The
Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we
can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's
the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

---

Submitted by "MJ in Vacaville"

Why is the GOP leadership better than Viagra?

They have a Boehner without Delay.

---

Submitted by Johnie in San Jose

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a
beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a
special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and
brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something Very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock And brought another
ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's
eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing
this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, By check. "
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday
afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money
in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
---

Submitted by Pat

An elderly couple were in court. The wife had shop lifted a can of peaches and
the judge asked her why she took them. “Because I was hungry.” The judge asked
her how many peaches were in the can. “Six, your honor." With that the judge
sentenced her to six days in jail.

As the judge was about to end the case her husband spoke up and asked if he
could say something. The judge said yes and her husband said, “She stole a can
of peas too.”

---

Submitted by Ted in
Pittsburg

An old couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and
asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty
years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back
fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it
for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and
having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old timers
having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no
trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking
sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans
against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse
panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he
didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask
them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me,
but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Well, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

---

Submitted by Penny

The First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast

At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....

---

Submitted by Imhovey

A young man moved into a new apartment, and went to the lobby to put his name on
his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment
next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As
they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else
on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few
minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I
hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,
allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What
would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they
are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.
Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part
of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me."---

Submitted by Tammy Jo in Belmont

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be
taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence.

Then the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my
condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

---

Submitted by Mary in Concord

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in
the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed
on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog
is a "Sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show
you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this."
He tells Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and
finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the Agent’s arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds returns to its
seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of
his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seatmate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment,
and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or
why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going
on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
---

Submitted by Mike in Castro Valley

Some put-downs:

- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege.

- The proctologist called. They found your head.

- If my dog looked as ugly as you, I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk
backwards.

---

Submitted by Shauna in San Jose

A Super Bowl Joke

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.

Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the
last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than
the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his
binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the
security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman
sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of
the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!" The man replies, "Well,
actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she
passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we
got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to
take the seat? A friend or close relative?"

"No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
---

Submitted by Mike

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asked her
husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road
and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and the woman said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we
take it with us, get it warm and let it go in the morning?"

He said, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He said, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the baby skunk she used to beat the s**t out
of him died at the scene.
---

Submitted by
Allan in San Jose

A lady goes to a doctor and
asks him if it is possible to get pregnant via anal sex.

The doctor replies "Sure. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
---

Submitted by Mary Dee in Citrus Heights

A man in San Francisco manages to hail a cab immdiately during a downpour. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like
Sheldon."

"Who?" asks the passenger

"Sheldon Cohen. Now there's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being
vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every
single time."

"Well, no one is perfect," says the passenger. "There are always a few clouds
over everybody."

"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone
on the Pro Tennis Tour. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, just like
Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something! And
not only that, somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy."

The cabbie continued.
"He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew
all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
can't change a fuse."

"Wow, incredible! No wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.

"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.

"After he died, I married his wife."

---

Submitted by James

After a long night of making love the guy rolls over and is looking around,
when he notices a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed.
Naturally, he began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied,
snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at
his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he said, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she said.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
---

Submitted by Steve

Dave Letterman's Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're A Gay Cowboy

10. "Your saddle is Versace"

9. "Instead of 'Home On The Range', you sing 'It's Raining Men'"

8. "You enjoy ridin', ropin', and redecoratin'"

7. "Sold your livestock to buy tickets to 'Mamma Mia'"

6. "After watching reruns of 'Gunsmoke', you have to take a cold shower"

5. "Native Americans refer to you as 'Dances With Men'"

4. "You've been lassoed more times than most steers"

3. "You're wearing chaps, yet your 'ranch' is in Chelsea"

2. "Instead of a saloon you prefer a salon"

1. "You love riding, but you don't have a horse"---

Submitted by Jeanne

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, he's not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a
bass boat.

I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

---

Submitted by Leslie in San Francisco

Hi Ronn, my friend Helen passed the following news on to me:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The
Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications
from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly
greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who
never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but
his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart
cookie, wasting much of his; dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a
little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a
positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane
Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father,
Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
---

Submitted by Kathleen in Danville

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,

I pray for wisdom to understand my man;
I pray for love to forgive him;
And for patience for his moods.
Lord, I won't pray for strength,
Because if I do, I'll beat him to death.

9. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't
turn down the stereo.

10. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

11. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

12. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

13. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

14. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

15. You take naps.

16. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

17. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than
settle, your stomach.

18. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.

19. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

20. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

21. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink
that much again."

22. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

23. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

24. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of
asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

25: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

---

Submitted by Tom and Tracy

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with
second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and seeing the
severe pain he is in, the Doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous
intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill
every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor?

"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
---

Submitted by Jeanne

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not
enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always
white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something
new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart
then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't
all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the
table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering
from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're
okay, then it's you.
---

Submitted by Mike in Petaluma

A man enters a bar and orders a
drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared
cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected: A half-gallon
of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine
lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You
must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?
.
.
.
.
.
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
---

From Kathy in Redwood City

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made
love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would
break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle
of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked
down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...a
vibrator! Soft, wonderful and quite large. She went completely ballistic. "You
impotent jerk," She screamed at him, "How could you lie to me all of these
years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the
toy . . . you explain the kids."

---
Submitted by Al

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?" The woman says, "No .... he's 9 and
she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No," he replies. "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

---

Submitted by George in Fremont

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical
procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his
gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and
moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing
wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank
you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
---

Submitted by Obie in San Francisco

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he
would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill
came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you
didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what
happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

---

Submitted by Paula in San Jose

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird
fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as
hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other
is in your oatmeal

---

Submitted by Tom

A guy walk's into a bar. He has just been through the ringer with a terrible
divorce ....his wife's attorney took him for big bucks.

"All attorneys are a bunch of jerks," he says, sitting down and ordering a
beer.

A mean looking man at the end of the bar get's up. He's very tall with broad
shoulders. Walking over to the guy he says, "Hey, I take offense to that!"

"Why?" asks the guy. "Are you a attorney?"

" NO! I am a jerk."
---

Submitted by Ethan Winning

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until
all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could
squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time: weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody
could do it.

One day this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and
a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After
the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed lemon, and squeezed
away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist
around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man:
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow replied: "I work for the United Jewish Appeal."

---

Bobby in San Carlos

Interesting Psychological Fact:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind
of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is
in her menstrual cycle.

For example:

If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to prefer a
man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is
on fire.

Further studies in this area have been canceled.
---

Submitted by Mike in Petaluma

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting
in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just
look at you....you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I
rang the doorbell didn't I?"

---

Jokes from 2005

Submitted
by Sherry in Newark

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetestlittle
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her
level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack
wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

---

From Chicago Steve Barkley

What do you call a black guy who's flying an airplane?

A pilot you racist.

---

Submitted by Gerry in San Ramon

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating
your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells
out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your
mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom
yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can
understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from
you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor,
but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I
asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

---

Submitted by Susan in Mill Valley

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife. He went to a
psychiatrist to discuss the problem.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on
assertiveness. After finishing the book, the man went home, stormed into the
house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From
now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is
law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my dinner, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you're going
to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," his wife answered.

---

Submitted by Susan in Mill Valley

A young couple is about to get married. The groom's father took him aside and
said, "Son, to have a happy marriage, you have to establish who's in charge. On
the first night of our honeymoon, I handed your mother my pants and had her try
them on. She said they didn't fit. I told her "That's right! I wear the pants in
the family, and as long as you remember that, we'll both be happy!" and we've
been happy ever since."

Well, the first night after the wedding, the new groom gave his new bride his
pants. "Try these on."

"They're too big, and they don't fit."

"That's right", he said, "I wear the pants in the family, and as long as you
remember that, we'll both be happy."

The new bride handed him her pants, and said "Try these on."

"They're too small. I can't get in your pants."

"That's right", she said, "and as long as you keep that attitude, you never
will."

---

Submitted by Peter

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place
expensive...................

So I took her to a gas station.

---

Submitted by Sherry in Newark

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file
her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He
gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks ... "What is
your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that will never work. That is much
too crass. Let's try to rephrase".

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken
farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore
or a call girl?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

--

Submitted by Michael in San Francisco

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father was about to die, Dick
decided he needed a

woman
to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a
woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within
a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Dick, and four days later she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

--

Submitted by Curtis

Today is my daughters 18thbirthday.......

I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month,
year after year, those ...payments! So I called my baby girl to come over to my
house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take
this last check over to your mothers house and tell that her that this is the
last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you tell me the
expression on her face."

So my baby girl took the check over to her.

I was so anxious to hear what the witch had to say and what she looked like.

As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?"

"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy..."

---

Submitted by Tom at PG&E

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when
she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip
was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she
would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the
Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything
she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag
and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. speaking with the quiet
wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

---

Submitted by Craig in Davis

After a long night of making love to his date, a guy notices a photo of another
man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ears.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

---

Submitted by Peg

A woman walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the
exotica, she notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has
no price tag, but is so striking she decides she must have it. She takes it to
the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story," says the owner.

The woman gives the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can
keep the story."

As she walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, she notices that a few
real rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers, and begun following her down
the street. This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins walking a little
faster. Within a couple blocks, the group of rats behind her grows to over a
hundred, and they begin squealing. She starts to trot toward the Bay. She
takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the thousands,
maybe millions and they are all squealing and coming toward her faster and
faster. Now terrified, she runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze
rat as far out into the Bay as she can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all
jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The woman walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "I'll bet you
have come back for the story?"

"No," said the woman, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

---

Submitted by Jaime

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books
of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and
said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had
a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these
matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap
him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the
manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all
the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send
us a complete dick."

---

Submitted by Don in Sacramento

A man goes into the unemployment office in San Francisco to look at job
openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren’t many jobs it doesn’t take him
long. Then, just as he’s on his way out, he spots something.

“Wanted,” it says, “Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500
per day, guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses.”

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at
the counter. “I’d like to apply for this job,” he says, “reference number
E78446.”

“Oh, that one,” says the clerk. That is a model agency right here in San
Francisco. They are looking for a pubic hair snipper. The agency supplies
girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk,
they’d report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps
of pubic hair showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves
quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London ... that sort of
thing...and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class
hotels.”

“I reckon I could learn to live with all that,” says the fellow. "I’d really
like to apply for the job.” The clerk shrugs and says, “OK, here’s an
application form and a bus ticket to Reno.”

“RENO? What do I wanna go to Reno for?”

“Well,” says the clerk, “that’s where the end of the application line is at the
moment!”

---

Submitted by John

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she
pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.

She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

---

From Michael Krasny

A guy walks into his living room carrying a very well groomed fluffy white
sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I make love to when you're not
around."

His wife is sitting there and says, "That's a sheep, not a pig, you dumb ass."

He responds, "Shut up!! I wasn't talking to you."

---

Submitted by Fred

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower
when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of
Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up
in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob, the next-door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" The husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

---

Submitted by Jerry in San Lorenzo

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of
water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to
celebrate my 80thbirthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's
your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to
buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of
water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you
one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops
of water."

"Coming! right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the
Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold
your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

---

Submitted by Jim

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar,
and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals
inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will
each of you buy mea drink?"

The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and
places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its
mouth as the crowd gasps.

After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on
the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals
-- unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is
delivered.

"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.

After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up.

"I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

---

Submitted by Jerry in San Lorenzo

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check.

He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE
coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a
job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard
for his nympho-maniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes,
but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is
$200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're b.s.'ing me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

---

From Mickey Luckoff

A rabbi and a priest are seated next to each other on a non-stop flight
cross-country. Shortly after takeoff, the priest tries to start up
a conversation with the rabbi and asks him, “Say rabbi, is it still a part of
your faith that you cannot eat pork?”

The rabbi says, “Yes father, pork is still a forbidden food”.

Then the priest asks, “So, have you ever fallen and eaten pork?”

“Yes, I did have pork once”, replies the Rabbi.

They both get quiet again, and a little while later the Rabbi asks, “Father, is
it still a part of your faith that promotes celibacy among priests?”

The priest says, “Yes, for all men of the cloth”. The rabbi then asks, “So,
have you even broken your celibacy?”

“Yes, I have fallen to the pleasures of the flesh once”, replies the priest.

They get quiet again until the rabbi says, “Sure as hell beats a ham sandwich
huh?”

****

Jokes heard on the R&B Joke Hour, October 29, 2004

Submitted by Geri in Austin, Texas:

What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?
Dubya had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.
===

Submitted by Jeff in Benicia:

The girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only
count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,
10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we
showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."
===

Submitted by Gary:

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a
light bulb?
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb
needs to be changed,
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb,
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for
changing the light bulb or for darkness,
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for
the new light bulb,
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor,
standing on a step ladder under the banner: Lightbulb Change
Accomplished,
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting
in detail how Bush was literally in the dark,
8. One to viciously smear #7,
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush
has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along,
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
===

Submitted by Kelsi:

Did you see Roy Horne on the documentary special the other day?
Maria Shriver looked great, but he looked like something the cat drug
in.
===

Submitted by Mark in Santa Clara:

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is
holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking,
shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on
the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried,
across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in
her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As
soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied, "divorce attorney."
===

Submitted by "CorksKids":

A young blonde from Kentucky was on vacation in the depths of
Louisiana. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes
in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the
local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then,
maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair
of shoes at a decent price!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all
just go and give it a try, why don'cha!"
The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps,
determined to catch herself an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over
to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman
standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just
then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great
deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were
several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed
silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its
back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great
frustration, she shouts out, "Crap, this one is barefoot, too!"
===

Submitted by Frank in Texas:

A man walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range
from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts
for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she
appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
"Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral services are pending.
===

Submitted by Herm in Hayward:

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THESE NEW VIRUSES
THE GEORGE BUSH VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep looking for
viruses of mass destruction
THE JOHN KERRY VIRUS - Reverses every position each time you turn your
computer on
THE BILL CLINTON VIRUS - Gives you a permanent hard drive, with no
memory
THE AL GORE VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep counting,
recounting, recounting ... ad nauseum
THE BOB DOLE VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
THE ARNOLD VIRUS - Terminates some files ...leaves .. but assures
that He Will Be Back
THE MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Collapses after two bytes
THE PROZAC VIRUS - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care
THE MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS - Attacks only minor files
===

Submitted by Frances in Alameda:

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first
available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is
shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to the hospital where
she gets fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor says, "You're going to have triplets. They're fine but
each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the
bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."
As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says,
"Mommy, I've done a very weird thing." Her mother asks her what
happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into
the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about the
incident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears
streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing." The
mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet,
right?" The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes. How
did you know?". The mother comforts her child and explains about the
incident at the bank.
A month later her son comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very Bad
thing." The mother says, "You passed a bullet into the toilet,
right?". The son replies, "No, I was masturbating and I shot our dog."
===

Submitted by Arnette:

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom,
cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
===

Submitted by Jerry in San Lorenzo:

Three couples went to see a minister about becoming new members of
his church. The minister said they would first have to go without sex
for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. Two weeks
passed and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week,
but after that it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "A
can of paint?" asked the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man.
"She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to
have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, but you are not
welcome in this church."
"That's OK," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
===

Submitted by Don in Benicia:

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
grandmother and comforted her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear,"
replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we
figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive
if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
===

Submitted by Tom:

A beautiful, well endowed, young lady, goes to her local pet store in
search of an exotic pet.
She spots a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs...Only $20
each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the
instructions carefully:
1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog on the bed
Following the instructions exactly, she quickly gets into bed with
the frog.
Nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper,
"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
She calls and is told by the salesman, "I had some complaints earlier
today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes he is ringing her doorbell and is welcomed in.
"See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn
thing just sits there."
The salesman picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes "Listen
to me froggy. I'm only going to show you how to do this one more
time!"
===

Submitted by Ellie in Foster City:

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which
almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote
“The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part
for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg
in.
And then the trouble started…
===

Submitted by James:

4 golfers were standing on the 1st tee waiting to tee off when one of
the golfers says, "John what did you have to offer the wife to play
golf today?"
"Well, I had to offer to take her shopping at the new mall next
week. Hey Peter, what did you offer?"
"I had to offer to remodel the bathroom. So George, what did you
have to offer?"
"I had to offer to paint the kitchen."
By the 6th hole these guys were wondering what Tony had to offer his
wife. So they asked him. He said, "The alarm went off at 6am and I
tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, 'Sex or golf?' and she said,
'Don't forget your sweater.'"
===

Submitted by Tom:

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning !!"
*******************
Jokes heard on the R&B Joke Hour, March 19, 2004

Submitted by Sherry in Newark:

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all
the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.The
doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget
dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and
started examining him. He put one finger under his left testicle andtold
the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a
hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right
testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctoragain
and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on theleft side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted withamazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told him to walk around the examining room to see if his
testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discoveredhis testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does thatfeel now?"
The midget said, "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did youdo?"
The doctor replied ...
"I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
===

Submitted by Morris in Sacramento:

Three engineers were having a theological discussion concerning themind of God when He created man.
The first said, "God is an electrical engineer. Look at the neuralpathways that send electrical impulses throughout the body."
The second one said, "No, God is a mechanical engineer - look at theintricacies of the hand and the opposable thumb."
The third one said, "God is most definitely a civil engineer. Whoelse would put a waste disposal line right through the middle of arecreation area."
===

Submited by Liz:

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.He asks, "What for?"
She says, "I want to kill my husband."
He says, "Sorry, I can't do that."
She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husbandin bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
===

Submitted by Peggy:

A man and woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of the plane. Suddenly, the woman sneezed, took out a tissue,gently
wiped her nose, and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shudderedquite violently; as before.
The man was becoming curious and concerned about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Againshe took a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shuddered violently.
The man couldn't restrain his curiosity.
He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times and this
has resulted in noticeable shuddering spasms. Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare
condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed, but even more curious and said, "I've
never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
===

Submitted by Sue:

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone," so namedbecause he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone!
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one daya young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,Onestone..."
He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where hemade love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all thenext day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a womannamed Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for manyyears. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when shesaw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made loveto her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all thenext day, made love to her all the next night...but, Yellow Birdwouldn't die!!!
What is the moral of this story???
Come on..........take a guess!
Think about it................
Here it comes............................
And the moral is.......................
You can't kill two birds with one stone!
===

Submitted by Liz:

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after thewedding,
he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and Idon't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't yougive
me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or
not."
===

Submitted by Ken in Novato:

Here's a dilemma for you....
With all your honor and dignity what would you do? The test only has
one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving
an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you
will have to make a decision one way or the other.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please consider each line -- this is important for the test to workaccurately.
You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact...
There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and
severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a
CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The
situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos.
There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the
water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping
everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying
not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is -- it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you cantake
the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W.
Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo
displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer) ....
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic
black and white?
====

Submitted by Cindy:

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbedher
body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamedfor
5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbedher
body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and shescreamed for 15 minutes."
The old Jewish Man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I
rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), wemade love, and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could youhave possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
===

Submitted by Peggy:

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for
"Gorilla Removers" He calls the number, and the gorilla remover sayshe'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,
a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testiclesand not
let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks
the concerned and confused homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the pit bull."
===

Submitted by Mike in Petaluma:

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to
her place to have wild, passionate sex.
After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "Iguess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says.
"What makes you say that?" asks the woman.
"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made yourtoes curl," he explains.
"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take offmy pantyhose first."
===

Submitted by Sherry in Newark:

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rushhome and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked ifit's not ready
on time."
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the cupboard was awilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food, and she didn't havetime to go to the supermarket. In a panic, she opened the can of catfood, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf --just as her husband walked through the door.
She greeted him warmly, then watched in horror as he sat down to hisdinner. To her surprise he seemed to be really enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in forty years ofmarriage! You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made herhusband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified."You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the clubhouse one day when one of themsaid, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food everyweek would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing youmurdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while
he was licking his butt."
===

Submitted by Ken in Novato:

Pentagon officials believe they have been unable to locate Bin Laden
because he has found a place to hide out where:
(1) It is easy to get in if you have the money;
(2) No one will recognize or remember you;
(3) No one will realize that you have disappeared;
(4) No one keeps any records of your comings and goings;
and
(5) You have no obligations or responsibilities.
Pentagon analysts are still puzzled, however, as to how Bin Laden found
out about the Texas Air National Guard in the first place.
===

Submitted by Stan in Belmont:

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almosteverything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls thatcould move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen anelevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in mylife, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat oldlady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed abutton. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a smallroom. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the smallcircular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then thenumbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls openedup again and a gorgeous 24-year old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly tohis son....
"Go get your mother."
===

Submitted by Tom and Tracey in San Rafael:

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that wasenough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went tohis doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy thatcould fix his problem, but it was expensive. A less costlyalternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, lightit, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and countto 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in theworld, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next tomy ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. Heheld the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, andresumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, Utah, Nebraska andWest Virginia.
===

Submitted by Cindy:

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me sixdouble vodkas."
The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the samedrinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer cameback, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another sixdouble vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?""Yeah, my sister..."
===

Submitted by Jeff in Benicia:

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to adead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worsethan usual."
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,so he
rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his
motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and sethimself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why wewent to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaida, orthat his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; thepress called him on the lie
about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is
threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press
conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."
The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still
siphoning."
===

Submitted by Donna in Monterey:

A brunette goes into a bar and sits down next to a blonde. They'rewatching the 10:00 news on TV.
During the news, they show a suicidal man on the roof of a tallbuilding, threatening to jump. The police are trying to talk him down.
The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20 the guy jumps."
The blonde says, "You're on. I'll bet you $20 the guy doesn't jump."
So they continue watching and the guy jumps.
The blonde says, "Well, here's your $20. You won fair and square."
The brunette says, "I can't take your money. I already saw the 6:00news and knew that he jumped."
The blonde says, "I saw it at 6:00 also, but I didn't think he'd do itagain!!!!"
===

Submitted by Doug in Palo Alto:

Three guys are sitting at a bar.
Jesus walks in and hears them complaining about their various ailments.So, acting in his role as healer, he walks up to the fellow from Ohio,places his hand on his shoulder and says, "Bless you my son, yourcancer is cured."
The man jumps up and yells, "Oh thank you Lord!" and runs out of thebar.
Next Jesus approaches the man from Iowa, lays his hand on his shoulderand says, "Bless you my son, your brain tumor is cured."
"Oh thank you Lord!" he cries and runs out of the bar.
Then Jesus moves toward the man from California, who jumps off his stool, backs away from Jesus, saying, "Hey man, don't come near me, I'm on Worker's Comp!"
===

Submitted by Bob in Lafayette:

A blonde police officer pulls over another blond for speeding.
She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. Theblonde driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your pictureon it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls outher compact, opens it, and hands it to the blond cop.
The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, rolls her eyes,hands it back to the blonde driver, and says, "If you had told me youwere a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could haveavoided this whole thing!"

*****************************************************

Jokes heard on 11-21-03

Submitted by Brin in San Francisco

Q: How many Ray Taliaferros does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "If it WEREN'T for the Re-PUBLICANS, it WOULDN'T be DARK in the FIRST PLACE! Myyyy my my my my..."
===

Submitted by Ron in Milpitas

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
===

Submitted by Charles

The Cadbury's Candy and the Merck Drug companies have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
They will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called: "Predickamint."
====

Submitted by Jay in Fremont

A small wild animal park in Arkansas acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Bubba Jones, an Arkansas redneck who was a part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Bubba, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.00?
The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," Bubba said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third," Bubba said, "I want all the offspring to be raised in the South." Once again the administrator agreed.
And last of all Bubba stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
===

Submitted by Laurie

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?!"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
===

Submitted by Stan in Belmont

One evening Mike went over his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, "Did you like what you saw?". Mike said yes I did. She said, "Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay.
She said "Meet me here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then.". Mike said, "I'll see you then."
The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.
Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, yes.". Terry asked, "Did he leave $500?" She said as a matter of fact, he did. Terry said, "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
===

Submitted by Phil

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
===

Submitted by Mick in San Francisco

First Christmas joke of the season!!!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
===

Bad Michael Jackson Jokes

Q: Why did Michael make a phone call to Boys 2 Men?
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: When do you know it's bedtime in the Jackson household?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get fired from his job as boy scout leader? A: He was up to a pack a day.

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse".
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302"
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic ... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend."
"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!"
===

Submitted by John in Walnut Creek

Q: "How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis ... I mean ladder!"
===

Submitted by Barbara in Berkeley

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right then, I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
===

Submitted by Marilyn

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and his 11 children.
"My, my," says the nun, "11 children, a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you."
"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!" she replies, "You sex maniac you."
===

Submitted by Allan in Kelseyville

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
===

Submitted by Dr. Mary

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we make love!"
"If I moaned when we made love, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.
As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"
"No, not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"
"No, I'll tell you when"
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to make love to her.
"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
So Sadie goes, "OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
===

Submitted by John

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered
for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.
"I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.
"We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
===

Submitted by Jeff

Sharon Stone and some guy get washed up on desert island together after a ship wreck.
The guy has saved Sharon's life and she promises him love, sex and obedience to his every wish.
Six months later, Sharon is very very happy. Loads of sex, and he has built a little home away from home, for them. But the guy looks miserable.
A year passes. Loads of sex. He had built a swimming pool, a bar for drinks and everything. But is really unhappy.
"What's the matter, darling?" Sharon asks him. He says, "There's something I miss. I need you to do something special for me. I really need it. I'll explode if I don't get it." She looks him straight in the eye and says, "Anything, Anything, Anything you want, anytime." She is getting excited just thinking about what it could be.
He takes her to his home-made bar and tells her to lean against the bar. His breathing becomes heavy. She leans
against the bar.
He has made a false beard out of coconut hair. "Would you wear this for me?" he asks. "Certainly," she says. She puts on the beard and his breathing become husky.
"And," he says, "Can I call you Brian?"
Sharon looks puzzled but says, "Yes, all right if you have too.'
The guy gets really excited and goes over to her, and says, "Hey Brian, you'll never guess who I've been screwing."

Jokes heard on 9-5-03

Submitted by Jeff in Santa Clara

While walking down the street one day, a female head of state is
tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met
by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you
see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of
state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down,
down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the
middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in
front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked
with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to
greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf
and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who
really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling
jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it
is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They
have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by
and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would
never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down
to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of
a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bag. The
Devil comes over to her and lays his arm around her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today, you voted for us!"

===

Submitted by ChiliJohn in Woodland

Couple was visiting the cemetery to put new flowers on the wife's
father's grave when they heard a heart-stopping cry of grief coming from
behind a tree. They were concerned and went to see if they could help.
They found a man prostrate across a grave crying "Why, Why, Why did you
have to Die, Why, Oh Why....." They tried to console him, but he
continued to cry and wail, "Why Did You Have to Die." The wife edged up
to the grief-stricken man and said in a soft voice, "Sir, we share your
pain, when did your wife pass on?" The man on the ground looked up and
said, "It's my wife's first husband!"

===

Submitted by Rakesh in Fremont

Two Irish Nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat. One nun says to the
other, "I heard that the occupants of this country eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America we might
as well do as Americans do."

So both Nuns walk towards a hot dog vendor. "Two Dogs, please," says the
first Nun. The vendor is only too happy to oblige, and wraps 2 hot dogs
in foil.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs". The
first Nun opens hers and stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other
nun cautiously asks, "What part of the dog did you get?"

====

Submitted by Luise

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds. Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent
of white people and over there is a continent of black people."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and
said, "What's that one?"
"Ah"' said God. "That's California, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful beaches, deserts, streams, hills, and forests. The
people from California are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and
humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will
be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be
known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. "

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Sacramento."

===

Submitted by Steve in Saratoga

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast
fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He
pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a
detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get
dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any
milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

===

Submitted by Jacque in Monterey

Man and a woman had been dating and were about to consummate their
relationship. The woman is in bed watching the man undress.

As the man takes off his shirt, tattooed on his arm is the word “Nike”.

The woman asks “What is that?”

“Oh” says the man. I was working out at the gym and a guy comes up to me
and says I’ll pay you $5000 dollars to tattoo the name ‘Nike’ on your
arm. So I took it.”

The woman thinks this is a bit odd, but oh well, she likes him.

As the man takes off his pants, he has the word “Converse” tattooed on
each leg.

The woman again asks about these odd tattoos.

“Well,” says the man. “A second guy came into the gym while I was working
out and saw the Nike tattoo and said he would give me $100,000 for each
leg, if I would tattoo ‘Converse’ on each leg.

Well the woman is getting leery, but hasn’t had sex in a while and
figures the lights will be out soon enough, so ignores this new revelation.

Finally, the man drops his shorts and the woman is aghast. Upon his penis
is the word “Aids” is tattooed.

“Whoa” yells the woman “I’m not sleeping with anyone with AIDS.”

The man states, “Give it a moment, it will say Adidas.”

===

Submitted by Peg

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's
been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making
truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one
swig.

The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a
hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I
just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my
life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I
overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no
insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I
had forgotten my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the
gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to
my life, and you show up and drink the damn poison."

===

Submitted by Donald

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

====

Submitted by Deanna in Castro Valley

Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts from National Public Radio and
a Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured
by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The
chief said, "I am familiar with your western
custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat
you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of
hot, spicy chili."

The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of
is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want
to sing 'We Shall Overcome' one last time."

The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening."

Jackson sang the song, and then said,"Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my
tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till
the end."

The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief said, "And, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass." said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass." insisted the
Marine.

So the chief untied the Marine, shoved him into the open, and kicked him
in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a
9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting
confusion, he leapt to his haversack, pulled out an M16, and sprayed the
cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were all dead or
fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they each asked him, "Why didn't
you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass? "

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you assholes call ME the aggressor?!?"

====

Submitted by William in Santa Rosa

Jesus went into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender said, "Sure, but
why don't you have it in the back room which is more private?" Jesus
said, "Okay." Later a man in a wheelchair came in and the bartender
told him about
Jesus. The man said, "Great! Please buy him a beer on me!", which the
bartender
did. Later a man on crutches came into the bar and the bartender told him
about Jesus and he said, "Fine! Please buy him drink on me!", which the
bartender did. Then a man with a cane came in and when he heard about Jesus
he also bought him a beer. Later when Jesus finished his beers he came out
and went up to the man in the wheelchair, thanked him for the beer and put
his hand on his head. "Hallelujah!" said the man. "I can walk!" and
threw his
wheelchair away. Jesus went up to the man on crutches and did the same
thing. "Hallelujah!" said the man. "I can walk!", and he threw away his
crutches.
Jesus then went to the man with the cane who said, "Hey don't touch me. I'm
on worker's comp."

===

Submitted by Edward

Three Engineers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three
Engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all
three Engineers cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket,
please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The MBAs see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the MBAs decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and
save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get
to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a bathroom and the
three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his bathroom and walks
over to the bathroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket, please."

====

Submitted by Duane in Concord

This guy walks into a Diner with an ostrich. He orders # 3, burger,
fries and a coke. The ostrich says, "Same for me." They eat, and the
waitress says, "that'll be $6.11." He pays her the exact amount out of
his pocket.

Next day, same guy walks into the same Diner, with his ostrich. He
orders the same - # 3, The ostrich says, "Same for me." They eat,
finish, and the waitress says, "that'll be $6.11."
He pays her the exact amount from his pocket.

Next day, he comes into the Diner, with his ostrich. The waitress says,
"Have your regulars?" He says no, not today. Today, I would like fish
and chips and iced tea. Ostrich says: "Same for me." They eat, and the
waitress says, "That'll be $7.44." Guy reaches into his pocket and pays
her with exact change. The Waitress says, "Excuse me for asking, how do
you always have the exact amount of your bill in your pocket?" Well, the
guy says, some time ago, I was cleaning out my attic and found an old
metal lamp. I rubbed it and out popped a Genie. "I'll grant you two
wishes", he
said. So, I said, "I'd always want to have enough money for
whatever I wanted to buy, and a tall chick that agrees with everything I
say."

===

Submitted by Robin in San Carlos

A couple of airplane mechanics, drinking buddies, are in the hanger at
Newark, where the runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do.

John says, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

"Nah," says Bill "but I hear that you can drink jet fuel, that it will
give you a real buzz."

So they proceed to drink jet fuel, get smashed, and have a beautiful
time as only drinkin' buddies can.

Next morning, John expects his head to explode when he gets up, but is
pleasantly surprised that he has no hangover at all.

"That jet fuel is great stuff and no hangover," says John. "We ought to
do this more often."

Yeah," says Bill, "But there is one thing. Did you fart yet?"

"No, why?"

"Because I'm in Phoenix."

===

Submitted by ChiliJohn in Woodland

A red-head goes into the doctor obviously in pain. "What's the problem,
young lady?" says the doctor. "I hurt everywhere, it's terrible," says
the red-head. "Make it stop! Make it stop!" The doctor asks for her to
tell him just where it hurts. She touches her knee and screams, she
touches her arm and screams, she touches her ear and screams. The doctor
looks at the woman and asks, "You're not really a red-head, are you?" She
replies, "no, doctor I'm a natural blonde." The doctor then says,
"You've got a broken finger."

===

Submitted by William in Santa Rosa

A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those
clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

===

Submitted by Adam in Santa Cruz

There are two best friends named Bernie and Fred. One day Bernie says to
Fred, "Fred, I know everyone, and everyone knows me." Fred replies,
"yeah, sure, Bernie, I bet you 100 bucks you don't know the governor of
California." So, Fred and Bernie go to Sacramento, and the governor
greets them with open arms.

Well, Fred still doesn't believe Bernie and says, "Bernie, I bet you 500
dollars you don't know the president of the United States." So, they go
to Washington DC, and they're invited to dinner. Well, Fred still
doesn't believe Bernie and says, "All right, Bernie, I bet you 1,000
dollars you don't know the Pope." So, they go to the Vatican. As the
pope is standing up on the pedestal, Bernie says to Fred, "Okay, Fred,
you wait here and watch me go up to the pope and watch how the guards
let me walk right up and watch how the pope greets me."

So, Fred watches, and just as Bernie is about to tap the pope on the
shoulder he looks down to Fred to make sure Fred is watching. Just then,
he sees Fred collapse to the ground. He rushes down to his friend's aid.
"Fred, Fred, what happened?" asked

Bernie. "Well, just as you were about to tap the pope on the shoulder,
somebody tapped me on the shoulder, I turned around and they asked me,
'Hey! Who's that guy up there with Bernie?'"

===

Submitted by Steve in Saratoga

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were
doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th
floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned
beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this
building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time
I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said,"Bologna again.
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm
jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box,
saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and
jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and
jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping.
She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of
corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it
to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have
given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he
hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own
lunch."

===

One of Brian's favorite jokes

A man walks into a pharmacist and asks for a bottle of arsenic. The
pharmacist says "I can't give you a bottle of arsenic."

The man says, "OK then, give me a half a bottle of arsenic." The pharmacist
says "I can't give you a half bottle of arsenic and even if I could, what do
you need it for?"

The man says "I want to kill my wife."

The pharmacist responds "knowing that there is no way I can give it to you."

Just then the man pulls out a picture of his wife and hands it to the
pharmacist. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says "Oh, I didn't know
that you had a prescription."

===

Submitted by Jane in Marin

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds

Q:What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A: About 45 minutes

===

Submitted by Pat

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and
wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that
something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the
matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the
best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me
splinters." This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day
he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto.

When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering
Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. Pinocchio revealed his
dilemma to Gepetto. Gepetto searched up and down for a solution.
Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out
Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously
thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed
that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple
weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the
hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying
all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked,
"So, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls,
eh?" To which Pinocchio replied, "Girls? Who needs girls?"

===

Submitted by Debbie and Jack

25 Rules Guys Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really!
8. Women wearing wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like the soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.Not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

===

Submitted by John

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning
at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to piss." The 80 year old man
says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and
groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90
year old man says, "At seven I piss like a horse, and at eight I crap
like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others. "I don't wake up until nine!"

===

Submitted by Brian

In the town square a nasty crowd had gathered, intending to stone to
death a prostitute. From the crowd, Jesus strides forward, holds up his
arms and yells "Let ye without sin cast the first stone!" The crowd is
contrite, for none amongst them can honestly say they are without sin.
Then a little old woman comes hobbling up, picks up a good size rock and
beans the prostitute right between the eyes. Jesus just stands there
with his hands on his hips and says, "Sometimes, Mother, you really piss
me off!"

===

Ronn's mom favorite joke

Morty Rosenthal is a new member of the Golden Goose retirement
community, and is passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near
the garden.

Rebecca, out for her morning constitutional, sees Morty, and says "Do
you mind?"

"Not at all" Morty says.

So Rebecca sits down on the opposite end of his bench. "So, you're new
here?" Rebecca asks.

"Yes" Morty affirms.

"So, you are from where?" Rebecca inquires.

"Washington" Morty answers.

"The capitol or the state?" asks Rebecca.

"The state" replies Morty.

"So how old are you?" Rebecca asks.

"I'll be 70 in October." Morty replies.

Not yet satisfied with the answers, Rebecca presses on with "What did
you do in Washington?"

"I was in prison" Morty retorts.

"Really?" says Rebecca. "What were you in prison for?"

"My wife of twenty years was always asking stupid questions, so I
chopped her up and put her down the garbage disposal." he says.

"Sooooo," purrs Rebecca, "you're single?"

===

John in Walnut Creek

A long time welfare recipient walks into the local welfare office,
marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi, I hate drawing
welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The man behind the counter replies, "Your timing is amazing.
We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his gorgeous 25 year old nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, and the suits,
shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job,
meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the
young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year."

The young man says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

*********************************************

Jokes heard on 4-25-03

Submitted by Cathy in San Bruno

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair turned on
the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it
starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here,
flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect
me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and
clean and wash and iron all day long ......"

The husband sighed. "It's started!"

***

Submitted by Clint

The REAL story!

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and
sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the sights -- everything is wonderful.
But I have just this one problem. It is these three breasts that
you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging
them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body (such as
her limbs, eyes, and ears) came in pairs, and she felt that having
only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she
put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only
half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into
the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in
the garden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has
her
Bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate, and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you...Now let's see...Where did I put
that useless boob?"

Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?

***

Submitted by John

CIA TEST:

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These
highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing
and background checks involved before anyone can even be considered for the
position. After sending some applicants through the background checks and
testing, the CIA narrowed the possible choices down to three men.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the applicant
men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun
and kill her."

The man had a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I
could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," said one CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job
then!"

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We
must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your
wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went
in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door suddenly
opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to
shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife! I guess I'm
not the right man for the job..."

"No," the CIA man replied, "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go the hell home!"

Now one man was left to test. Again they lead him to the same door leading
to the same room and handed him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will
follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside you will find
your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed
all the way, the CIA men heard several gun shots, one shot after another for
a total of 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. The CIA men
heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for
several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there
stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, "You guys
didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat her
to death with the chair!"

***

Submitted by Mary in Concord

Little Tommy (who is Jewish) was doing very badly in math.

His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special
learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally, in a
last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local
Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very
serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he
went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread
out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the
minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time
he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time,
day after day while his mother tried to understand what made the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the
table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his
Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math! She
could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, WHAT
was it?? Was it the nuns??" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head,
no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms??

WHAT was it??"
Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when
I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

***

Submitted by Diane in Vacaville

A high school English teacher reminds her class of their final exam the next
day, "Remember, I won't tolerate ANY excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it; no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?"

The class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

Silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand."

***

Submitted by Rocky in Fremont

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, father, for I
have sinned, I have been with a loose woman." The priest says, "Is that
you, Tommy?" "Yes, father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The
priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No, father." "Was it Fiona
MacDonald?" "No, father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No, father, I cannot tell
you." The priest says. "I admire your perseverance, but you must atone
for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail
Marys." Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and
asks what happened. Tommy replies: "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail
Marys and three good leads."

***

Submitted by Kasey

Moral of the Story

I was happy. My girlfriend and had been dating for over a year, and had
decided it was time to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me..... my mother-in-law to be.

She was a career woman, smart, beautiful and sexy. She flirted with me
occasionally, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. So I went.

She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be
married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to
make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come
and get
me."

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front
door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and
said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We
couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

***

Submitted by Sam in Burlingame

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one
of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a
non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The
other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on
charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in the
Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is
limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I
am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I
would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the
street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.

All thing considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancee and look
forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally
honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

***

Submitted by Mike in Petaluma

This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an
affair with a woman........almost......"

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost? "

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. Now say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks
over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.....

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw
that, you didn't put any money in the poor box"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently
that's the same as putting it in!"

***

Submitted by Dave in Fremont

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a
portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very
black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had
black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African
Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis
also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay
men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached the
couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied... "In fact, there are no
African Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal
miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

***

Submitted by Brian in Pittsburg

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only say one thing. They say, 'Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' and keep repeating it all the time."

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought a moment. "You know,"
he said, "I may have a solution. I have two male talking parrots that I have
taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two over and we'll put them in
the cage together and Frank and Jacob will teach themto pray and worship."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may well be the solution." The
next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered
her in, she saw two male parrots holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her two parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're
hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers
have been answered!"

***

Submitted by Corkie in Elk Grove

An Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the
other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been
there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to
pull him by the ears to make him come."

***

Submitted by Jim

I was traveling between New York and Boston the other day when I got a flat
tire. Checking my spare, I found that too was flat. My only option was to
flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the
window "Need a lift?". "Yes, I sure do," I replied. "You a Democrat or
Republican?" asked the old man. "Republican," I replied. "Well, you can
just go to hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same

question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger
and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my
strategy. Since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared
to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blond.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican.
"Democrat!" I shouted. "Hop in," replied the blond.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in
the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts and
a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the
brakes and as soon as the car stopped I jumped out. "What's the matter?"
she asked. "I can't take it anymore." I replied. "I've only been a
Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

***

Submitted by Margaret

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything
inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best,
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers. They
always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the
job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine.
Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.

***

Submitted by Carlos in Mountain View

My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for
the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back
turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled
and said, "Not bad."

***

Submitted by Jerry

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my
coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled,"
volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to
which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he
slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully "and thank God we can
all still drive."

***

Submitted by Lily in Santa Rosa

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in
the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's
company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner
and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to
join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a
natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a
most enjoyable roll in the feathers.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they shared, each was
lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more
gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken
off my pantyhose."

***

Submitted by Steve in Union City

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," the devil
says. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have
to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of
people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first
room.

In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," bin Laden said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with
a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all
I did was break rocks all day," bin Laden commented.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does
best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can
handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

***

Submitted by Dave in Dallas

A man walks into a pharmacist and asks for a bottle of arsenic. The
pharmacist says "I can't give you a bottle of arsenic."

The man says "OK then, give me a half a bottle of arsenic." The pharmacist
says "I can't give you a half bottle of arsenic and even if I could, what do
you need it for?"

The man says "I want to kill my wife."

The pharmacist responds "knowing that there is no way I can give it to you."

Just then the man pulls out a picture of his wife and hands it to the
pharmacist. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says "Oh, I didn't know
that you had a prescription."

***

Jokes heard on 2-14-03

Submitted by Diane in Vacaville

Valentines Rhymes

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme
with the most romantic first line but ... the least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and
so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

===

Submitted by Kent in Hollister

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first
person
he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" The man answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification
Theory and other mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, What is your IQ?" The
lady answers, "144." "That is great!" says Albert. "We can discuss
politics,
religion, and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man
answers, "51."
Albert says, "How 'bout dem Raiders?"

===

Submitted by Mike in Olympia, WA

Two tourist groups, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend in Vegas. The brunettes ride in
the
bottom of the bus and the blondes ride on the top level.

The brunettes down below are whooping it up and having a great time when one
of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear,
staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.

The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time
downstairs!"

One of the blondes says, "Sure you are. But you've got a driver!"

===

Submitted by Mike K.

A man went into a popular Chinese restaurant and was asked to wait at the
bar
until a table was available. The bartender asked "What would you like?"

The man answered, "I'd like a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender paused for a moment, then said, "Once upon a time, there
were three little pigs....."

===

Submitted by Evelyn W.

Out of the mouths of babes ...

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up
and
said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and
watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel
so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my
boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started
adjusting
the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started
hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy
heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the
door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is
your
grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yes, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

===

Submitted by Chris in Cupertino

Here's a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that
the
waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also
had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that
all
the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting,
experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes."

"After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers
drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil."

"This represents a Drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour. "

"If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce
the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with
his spare spoon.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an
extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around.

I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's
fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the
waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice.

"Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also
found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?" I asked.

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the head of you know what, we
can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate
the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by
76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how
do
you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about
the others, but I use the spoon."

===

Submitted by Mike in Petaluma

Ronn, did you hear that they are tearing down all the Wall Marts and K-Marts
in Iraq? Yep, its true! They're putting up TARGETS!

===

Submitted by Bill in SF

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for
a
Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I
thought
that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a
valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe
start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent
valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all
over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't
hate
anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shit out of him."

===

Submitted by Brian in Pittsburg

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly
impressed he buys a pack, and when he gets home he tells his wife about his
purchase.

"What makes them so special?", she asks.

"There are three colors," he says. "Gold, Silver and Bronze.

"What color are you going to wear tonight," she asks.
"Gold of course," the man answers proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver ... it would be nice if you
came
second for a change."

===

Submitted by Leslie in Danville

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to
begin tracking down high-powered offenders, like the Enron or WorldCom
guys.

Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his
assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and the taxes were
pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought
he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes,"
answered

the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he
asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and
when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now
and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor
somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical
answer.

So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all
these
matzo purchases?

What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah,
yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from
the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the
manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh,"
replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What
we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send
them to the IRS."

"The IRS?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the IRS....and about once a year, they
send
us a little prick like you."
===

Submitted by Geri in Austin, TX

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each
day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided, when the boss left, they would leave right behind
her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know
they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent
playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before
meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when
she
got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and
quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband
fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of
her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

===

Submitted by Corkie

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, Cruise
Special -- $99!"

So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the
$99
cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner
tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river,
where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside,
lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied
to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the
first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde
asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year...."

===

Submitted by Kay in Sacramento

Numerous doctors attend a funeral for a cardiologist. Behind the
cardiologist's casket is a large, beautiful heart. At the conclusion of the
service, the casket swings around and moves into the heart, and the heart
closes, enclosing the cardiologist's remains in its beauty forever.

At the back of the room, a man starts laughing. Asked about this later, the
man says "No offense, I was just watching this and thinking about my own
funeral someday. I'm a gynecologist."

Nearby, the proctologist fainted.

===

Submitted by Fran K.

A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings. "Hello," she says.

"Hello," says the male voice at the other end, "I bet you'd really like it
if
I came round, ripped off your blouse and bra and pants, then threw you to
the
floor and made hot, sweaty love to you ..."

The Jewish lady replies, "From 'hello', you can tell all this......?"

===

Submitted by Dee in Citrus Heights

Two blondes are in heaven...

One blonde says to another, "How did you die?" "I froze to death," says the
second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually,
it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if
you're sleeping."

"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband
was
cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the
bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one
was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding
there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got
there,
I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity! If you had only looked in
the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

===

Submitted by Mark in Fremont

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
her
car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing
some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The
trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he
says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"

===

Submitted by Mel in Mill Valley

Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks
at
the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it
He turns to the other Priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put
that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day"

===

Submitted by Rocky in Rocklin

A new year of school just begun. And the 4th grade teacher thought it would
be a good idea to get acquainted with her class. She asked each child to
tell
their name and what their father's job was.

The first child answered, " My name is Bobby and my dad is a postman."
The second child answered, "MY name is Mary and my dad is a mechanic."
The third child answered by saying, "My name is Johnny and my dad strips in
a
gay bar."

Very embarrassed and alarmed by his answer the teacher immediately changed
the subject. During recess the teacher approached Johnny and questioned if
his father really worked as a stripper in a gay bar.

Johnny answered "No, I
was too embarrassed to admit it but, my dad is the defensive coordinator for
the Oakland Raiders."

===

Submitted by Bob in Half Moon Bay

Yassir Arafat is in his office, alone, when his bodyguards hear a loud
explosion inside his office. Rushing in, they see him on the floor, face
bloodied.

They ask, "What happened, Mr. Chairman?"

"A letter bomb," exclaimed the injured Arafat.

"But a letter bomb would have wounded your hands, not your mouth," replied
one of his experienced men.

"I was sealing it," said Arafat.

===

Submitted by Barbara in Berkeley

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Leo
Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest
and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the
other five complete their playing time standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws and Goldberg picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife
answers, and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost
$500, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him."

===

Submitted by Ray in San Jose

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught on fire.

===

Submitted by Obie in Atherton

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the
condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes
of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when
you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday
night."

The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?"

The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for
Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for.

The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for
January, one for February, one for March......"

===

Submitted by Ronald

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some training on a
Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the
space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his
son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.
The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message
to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks
found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message,
they asked the son to translate it. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the
tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's
message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He
reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these assholes; they
have come to steal your land."

=========

Submitted by Dale in Santa Rosa

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a grocery store and he says, "I've
lost
my wife. Do you mind talking to me for a few minutes?"

The woman looks puzzled. She asks, "Why talk to me?"

The guy says, "Because every time I talk to a woman with big boobs my wife
shows up out of nowhere."

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade
especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 40 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her
own beauty.

Between 41 and 50 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and
a desirable place to visit.

Between 51 and 60 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war -- haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 61 and 70, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 71 and 75, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.

After 75, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but
no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 12 and 92, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

---

Submitted by Artee

Ariel Sharon, the Israeli Prime Minister comes to Washington for meetings
with President Bush. For the State Dinner, Laura Bush decides to bring in a
special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night,
the first course is served and it is matzoh ball Soup.

President Bush looks at this and after learning what it is called he tells
an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide
says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it.

Not wanting to cause any trouble, after all he ate sheep's eye in honor of
his Arab guests, the President gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and
retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, then swallows
and a grin appears on his face.

He digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.

"That was delicious," he says to Sharon. "Do the Jews eat any other part of
the matzoh or just the balls?"

----

Submitted by Mark

Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.

After the 6th one, an old man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the old man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a
time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own damn business!!"

---

Submitted by Bob

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a
man standing, holding a five-iron in his hands, staring at the lifeless body
of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club, and
puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know," said the man, "five, six. Put me down for a five."

---

Submitted by Nick

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, (so that he's on the same level
with her), and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy
bwack wabbit?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't
fink my pyfon weally cares."

---

Submitted by Scott in Concord

A man is talking to God.

He says, "God, why did you make women so beautiful?"

God Says, " So you would like them."

Then the man says, " Well then why did you make women
with such wonderful bodies?"

God says, "So you would like them."

At last the man says, " So then why did you make women
so stupid?"

God says, "So they'd like you.

---

Submitted by Bob in Marin

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late
at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The
first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the
bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie
on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch
it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then
make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down
one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first
mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I
can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each
morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a
long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this b.s.
Gotta go home and boink the cat."

----------

Submitted by Jack

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against
a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an
entire bottle of laxative." The owner exclaims, "You idiot! You can't treat
a
cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in
Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious
constitutional reason.

They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in
the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough
asses to fill the stable.

---

Submitted by Charles in San Jose

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in
the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he
decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely
undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he
left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing
the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her
cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.''
The other lady asked what she meant.

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was
30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I
was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I
forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm
too old to squat!"

---

Submitted by Alan in Stockton

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new
Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a
Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai
stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai
sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny
box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The
fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number
three Samurai?" Number Three Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened
a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and Swoooooosh!
flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.
But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly
isn't even dead."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his belt buckle. The
bartender looks at the pirate and says, "Hey, do you know you have a
steering wheel on your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Arg, it's drivin' me nuts."

-------------

Submitted by Jeanna in Concord

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me
for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says
"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine
to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if
other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a
lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much
he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart
swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "And once that gets him out in the open, Our troops
could blow the crap out of him."

-------------

Submitted by Gerry Ott

On a visit to his doctor, an elderly gentlemen asks for a prescription of
Viagra. Doctor says, "No problem. How many do you want?"

Old man answers, "Just a few, but cut them into quarters."

Doctor says, "Well that won't do you any good!"

Old guy says, "That's all right. I'm over 90 years old, so I don't need
them for sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't
pee on my shoes."

---------

Submitted by Anita

This is so typical of a child. Did you hear about the teacher who was
helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for
help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots
still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked
up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right
feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather
than get right in his face and scream, Why didn't you say so? like she
wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots
off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear
them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in
the toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next week.

----------

From Larry "Bubbles" Brown

A couple are driving down the road.

The wife says to her husband, "I wish they'd name a freeway after you."

The husbands asks, "Why, do you think I'm *that* important?"

"No," she replies. "It would mean that you'd have been dead 5 years."

-----------

Submitted by Mike Orkin

It is teeming rain and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of
private homes,
including that of the local Rabbi.

With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and
the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting
dangerous."

The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the
Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me."

Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has
been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat
comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water
level is getting dangerous."

The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the
Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me."

The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his
house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab
the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!"

The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the
Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me."

The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in
the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is
admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord,
I don't understand. I've been a righteous, observant
person my whole life, and depended on You to save me in my hour of need.
Where were You?"

And the Lord answers, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more
do you want?"

---

Submitted by Joanne

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion
on his own.

One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she
asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis in the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh ... she got fired too."

----

Submitted by Joe in Redwood City

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your
thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised."

”What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My Mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

-------------

Submitted by Gerry Ott

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

Man - "Fine."

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ...
that is way more than those two things a worth. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

The winner of the $500 prize for best joke heard on the R&B Joke Hour on August 9th was submitted by Rick Maier:

A bartender on a slow day looks up and sees President Bush and Collin Powell
arriving and taking seats at the end of the bar. He is surprised to see
them and asks them what they are doing in a bar. Powell answers, "We need
time to discuss what the next actions will be in Iraq."

The bartender asks, "What are some of your ideas for Iraq?"
Bush answers, "Well we have one idea ... but it won't be pretty. We will
strategically drop a nuke in Iraq ... but it will kill a half a million
Iraqis ... and one blonde with big boobs."

Powell looks at Bush and says "See? I told ya no one would care about the
half million Iraqis."

----------

Submitted by Marjorie in Santa Rosa:

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang
the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying
on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume
filled the room. What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no
end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and
ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He
walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.

----------

Submitted by Ron in Pleasant Hill:

A young Jewish kid comes home excited from the casting call at the local
theater.

"Momma, Momma," he says. "I got a part in the play. I'm gonna play the
husband!"

"So," she says. "you couldn't get a speaking part?"

----------

Submitted by Anita:

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes
and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a
break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having bald tires!! So I called him horse shit. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...

----------

From comedian Chris Alpine:

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you get an onion with really long ears, but every once in a
while you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

----------

Submitted by Lynn in Contra Costa:

SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

----------

Submitted by Ward and Barbara:

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,
"Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a
baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in
your butt?"

----------

Submitted by Mavis:

So a guy walks into a bar with a goose under his arm and says to the
bartender: "Give me a beer. And hurry your butt up about it -- I don't have
all day."

The bartender cocks an eyebrow. She pours him a mug of beer and slides it
across the bar to him.

"That's quite a pig you've got there," she says.

"Will you give me a damn break," the man tells her. He takes a huge slurp of
beer and burps. "This isn't a pig -- it's a goose."

"I'm talking to the goose," says the bartender.

----------

Submitted by Phil:

Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son
playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw
his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the
opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud
of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian
accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a
fine?"

Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the
field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by
the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat,
exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk.
Ain't he-a wonderful?"

The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finally someone threw him the
ball. He fumbled it, then recovered ... running in the wrong
direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again,
dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line
on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand
it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa
*my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?"

----------

Submitted by Suzanne:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub."

----------

Submitted by Doug in San Francisco:

While on a business trip to Rome the CEO of Tyson Foods manages to be granted
an audience with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers to the Holy Father, "Your
eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100
million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord.
It must not be changed as stated in the Scriptures."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason,
we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that
you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give
us this day our daily chicken'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. As I have said, this
prayer represents the immutable word of God and it cannot be changed under
any circumstance no matter how good it may appear."

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your
adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500
million dollars -- that's half a billion dollars -- to the great Catholic
Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our
daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'. Please consider it."
And so he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good
news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church has
come into $500 million dollars."

Maude and Claude, who were up in years, met one another at a retirement
community. They found they had similar interests and enjoyed spending time
together. One day Claude asked Maude if she'd like to go out to dinner with
him sometime. She said she would, so they set a date. They had a wonderful
time and afterwards Claude invited Maude to his apartment for after-dinner
coffee. She told him she would enjoy that. As they finished their coffee,
Claude moved closer and asked if she would like to go to bed with him. Maude
thought for a moment and told him that was a good idea. So, they went to bed
and there was a fair amount of action. When they were finished, Claude
thought to himself : "I wish I had known she was a virgin. I would have
been more gentle." Maude thought to herself: "I wish I had known he could do
it -- I would have taken off my pantyhose."

----------

Submitted by Mary in Pleasant Hill

A husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have
to let your wife hen peck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband took the doctor's advice. He rushed home, slammed the door,
shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking
orders from
me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go
upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight I'm going out with the boys
and you are going to
stay at home where you belong. And another thing, guess who's going to comb
my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His wife said calmly, "The undertaker."

----------

Submitted by Teri:

This morning, as I lie on my bed thinking about you, I have this strong urge
to grab you ... because I just can't forget about last night.

Late in the balmy night, unexpectedly, you came to me in my bed and what
happened there still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared out of nowhere and shamelessly, without reservation, you laid on
my naked body without guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy with your
taunting and sucking.

Only after you were finally satisfied did I fall asleep, but today, when I
woke up, you were gone. I've searched for you everywhere, to no avail. My
sheets still bear witness to last night's events, as does my body, which
still shows your mark, making it that much harder to forget you.

Tonight I promise to remain awake and wait for you and as soon as you appear,
I will grab you and never let you go. This time you won't disappear. And, I
won't rest until I squeeze the life out of you and destroy you once and for
all, you damned mosquito!

----------

Submitted by LL:

A plumber received a call from a lady whose sink had a bad leak. The plumber
said he could come right over. The lady said that would be great but she had
to go out. She agreed to leave her key under the door mat by the kitchen, she
also mentioned that she had a large pit bull dog and a parrot in the kitchen.
The dog would be no problem she said, but what ever you do, don't talk to the
parrot.

When the plumber arrived all was as the lady said ... key under mat, pit bull
sleeping and a parrot squawking in its cage. The plumber started to repair
the leak all the while the parrot was making all kinds of noises and swearing
at the plumber. The poor plumber could take it no longer and yelled at the
parrot to shut up!

The parrot was quite for a moment ... and than said, "Sic him, Max!"

----------

Submitted by Teri:

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a walk she came upon a gentleman
neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden and expose myself and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to
her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How
did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

----------

Submitted by Melvin and Mae:

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger.

The other is just a fish.

----------

Submitted by William in Petaluma:

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he
has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmm ...," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?"

Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe
the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have
a program here that will teach Buster how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that
program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the
course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the
semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Buster doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe
this -- they've had such good results with this program, that they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." ...And his father sends the
money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his
father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the
dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Buster? I just
can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of
the shower, Buster was in the living room kicking back in the recliner,
reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and
asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who
lives over on Oak Street?' "

The father says, "Oh, NO! I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

----------

From Father Guido Sarducci (as told by Bill Newsome):

When you die and go to heaven, you're given a bankroll of $250,000. But
before you can enter the pearly gates, you have to pay off your sins.

Take murder, for example. You lose all. Armed robbery costs you $25,000.
Or suppose you went out and stole a car. That's ten thousand bucks.

Masturbation costs a quarter.

Why only a quarter?

Well, it adds up!

----------

From Dan and Jean:

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after
the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the years has another 22 children
with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she
becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin,
looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean
Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
----------

From Michele in Brookvale:

Guy has stuffed his pant pockets with golf balls he found searching the
rough at the golf course across town. He catches a bus for the trip home.
The bus is very crowded and he has to stand. Guy notices a young woman
staring at his bulging pockets. He whispers to her "golf balls." She
continues to stare and then asks, "Is that as painful as tennis elbow?"
----------

From Jeanna:

It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher figures she'll get to
know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers do for a
living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease
dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school
yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it's really true that
his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushes and says, "I'm sorry but my dad is really an auditor for Arthur
Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

Q: What do Kmart stores and Catholic priests have in common?
A: Both have boys underwear half off.
----------

From Bill:

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new
dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high
school class so many years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded
any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was
too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local
high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1960."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?
----------

From Janis in Mill Valley:

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual
death notice in the paper, but added that he died of
gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when
a good friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhea,
not gonorrhea.

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night
and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I
thought it would be better for posterity to remember him
as a great lover rather than the big s*** he always was."
----------

From Mike in Olympia, WA

A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day,
what would you want?" "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they
went to a local theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered
out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along
with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs,
popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six
again?"

With one eye barely opened she said, "I meant my dress size, you asshole."

----------

From John in Dublin:

I left Montreal heading toward Quebec City, when I decided to stop at a
comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one.
I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are
you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations,
and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a
little embarrassed: "Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to
think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back,
there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking
you."
----------

From JD:

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip
cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted
himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made is way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was the elderly Irishman in Heaven?
Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his Irish wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on
his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste
of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife ....

"Back off," she said, "they're for the funeral."
----------

From Phil:

A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computer, stops for
a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door
reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk."

He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him,
sniffs him, says that he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does
for a living. The truck driver says that he drives a truck, and the
smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartenders says
okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to
worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are
in season.

"You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident,
and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out
all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and
programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let
them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he
pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them
instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

A couple, both 78 years old, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?" The man asks, "Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged
them $50.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the
doctor asked, " Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and
we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The
Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43."

The best joke of February 2002, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Submitted by Mike in Arizona

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
waiting
for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and
it was
her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight
to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the
bus. She
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a
little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her
skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step,
and, once
again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
unzip a little
more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked
her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went
ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you
touch my body, I don't even know who you are !"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends."
----------

The best joke of January 2002, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Christina in Sunnyvale

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he is sending a
friend over
to look at a horse.

The buddy says, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a dwarf with a speech impediment."

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for
a male or
female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the

once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's
ears.

"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf"

The rancher is getting pretty upset by this point, but he picks
him up again
and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally upset at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm
and jams the
dwarf's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls
him out and
slams him on the ground.

The dwarf gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a
widdle bit?"
----------

The best joke of December 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Submitted by Mike in Arizona

Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like
only
yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands
and knees.
----------

The best joke of November 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland

Submitted by Jim:

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet
at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the
girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit
later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The
conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this
restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer
him up and started to wonder whether it was
me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I
wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I
said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm
around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant
because you know he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he
was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk
but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said
I was going to go to bed.

Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my
surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed
really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to
confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I
really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

The 49er's lost. Got laid though.
----------

The best joke of October 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Bill Tacherra of Bolinas.

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not
in bed. She
put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the
kitchen table
with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep
thought,
just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye
and take a
sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down
here at this
time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and we were
so young?"
he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of
my car making
love?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you
marry my daughter or spend the next twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know...I
would have
gotten out today."