So You Finally Want Kids. But She Doesn't. Wait, What?

What would you do if after several years dating you discovered that the love of your life isn’t interested in children — especially when you see a future as a family man? If she’s more than content remaining a childless couple and not continuing the gene pool, what options do you have? Do you stick with her and hope she changes her mind — or break things off? We look at the choices men should contemplate if dealing with this important dilemma.

How Soon Should You Discuss Kids?

Some psychologists have suggested discussing the issue of reproduction early on in a relationship. In one book, the writer even advises raising the subject after just three dates. Dr. Helen Nightingale, clinical psychologist and therapist in London, stresses that the subject is “one of the most important life issues you’re ever going to face” and emphasizes the need for a guy to do some serious thinking about what he wants in life.

“Choosing whether you want to breed is probably one of the most serious life issues you will ever deal with,” says Dr. Nightingale. “If marriage is in the cards but it’s suddenly going to be no kids — and you’re taken aback by that — then you obviously haven’t asked the right questions in terms of entering into a relationship.”

Dexter, 37, is facing such a scenario now. “I’ve been with my girlfriend Tamsin for eight years. She’s a year older and I feel the biological clock is ticking away. At the moment she’s keen on marriage, but not on the idea of having kids. I’m just hoping that she’ll come round to the idea. I love her but want a family as well.”

Risks

Dr. Petra Boynton, social psychiatrist at University College London, believes that a guy should tread carefully when airing his feelings from the start. “It could be quite off-putting to bring up the issue so soon. Because whether you’re saying you want them or you never want to have them, it’s saying to the person that you’re dating that you’re thinking about this in relation to them. And that could scare them off.”

Dr. Boynton certainly doesn’t agree about having a set time to bring the issue up. “If you’re saying on Date No. 3 that you never want to have kids, well, that’s as full-on as saying that you would love to have kids.”

Listen To Your Partner

So imagine you’ve been dating for months and the situation gets serious. The subject of children comes up over a drink, and she says she has no intention of having kids. What are the options that won’t necessarily mean finishing the relationship? Dr. Boynton believes in talking honestly about the situation and the future together.