Dumbass Pages

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Guy Sets Up Fake Bigfoot Sighting on Side of Hiway; Gets Splattered by a Ford!

Best of Dumbass News

We have covered some very strange Dumbass Ways to Die here on Dumbass News and we'll do so again today, But, let us first review some of the stoopid ways that some of our Dearly Departed Dumbasses have left this veil of tears.

One example of a real good (unless you're dead person) to die is during sex. In one story, we found out about a woman who died doing the dirty deed with her husband. No she didn't bite the Big One having the Big O, she bit the bullet. Literally shot to death by her old man during some freaky Dirty Harry Sex Game. I have heard of sex weird ass sex toys, but a .45 ain't one of 'em.

Then there was the case of some Old Guy keeling over during a lap dance at the local Jiggle Joint, or the Titty Bar as some of you prefer.

Those dead Dumbasses have nothing on the guy we will be High (low?) lighting today.

Ghillie or Ghoulie?

Big Foot & A Weird Way to Die Go Together

We have also covered some Bigfoot stuff that is relevant to today's story in which a Bigfoot "researcher" actually uses moonshine to lure the legendary beast to within camera range. So far he has had no luck in sighting Bigfoot, but has had some legendary Saturday nights while alone in the woods with his hopes of a sighting and his hooch, which I understand provides one with some outstanding "sightings" of some sort. Like green snakes on the ceiling perhaps?

You may be asking yourself, "Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, just how the hell do getting sent to your Reward during sex, vapor locking at a strip club and drunk Bigfoot "researchers" tie in to day's excursion into the Shallow End of the gene pool and an untimely demise?

Let me splain.

Death and Sasquatch

Randy Lee Tenley of Kalispell, Montana was setting up a hoax Bigfoot sighting when he was killed. During the set up of he fake Bigfoot encounter on the night in question, Tenley was on the side of Highway 93 doing the hoax thing when he was struck by a car! It is my Considered Fearless Leader Bigfoot Hoax Expert Opinion that when a normal size man is struck by a motor vehicle doing 70 miles per hour or more, that he will instantly gain fame in the Darwin Awards category. In other words, Randy Lee Tenley was squashed like a ripe tomato while doing what he was doing.

Police suspect alcohol was involved. You don't say?

Here's the entire news brief from the Associated Press via the HuffPuffBigfootIsRealPost, "A man dressed in a military-style "ghillie" suit and apparently trying to provoke reports of a Bigfoot sighting in northwest Montana was struck by two cars and killed, authorities said.

The man was standing in the right-hand lane of U.S. Highway 93 south of Kalispell on Sunday night when he was hit by the first car, according to the Montana Highway Patrol. A second car hit the man as he lay in the roadway, authorities said.

Flathead County officials identified the man as Randy Lee Tenley, 44, of Kalispell. Trooper Jim Schneider said motives were ascertained during interviews with friends, and alcohol may have been a factor but investigators were awaiting tests.

Ghillie suits are a type of full-body clothing made to resemble heavy foliage and used to camouflage military snipers.

Tenley was struck by vehicles driven by two girls, ages 15 and 17, who were unable to stop in time, authorities said."

One Less Bell to Answer

This accident sadly eliminates one of our Fellow Dumbasses from the Horde. But on the bright side, Randy Lee Tenley will no longer procreate given that he has assumed room temperature. Storm clouds, silver linings and all that. I am just a bit curious, however, about a couple of things.

Why was it so important that Randy Lee dress up in a ghillie suit at night in order to perpetrate this little joke on the local citizenry? Oh, yeah. Alcohol "may have been involved. And if you read the Bigfoot story at the link above, you would know that alcohol is a very necessary tool in hunting down Bigfoot. Or at least getting drunk enough to "see" the beast.

Why is it that drunk Dumbasses who do the best stoopid shit always have three names, like Randy Lee Tenley. Why ain't it ever some simple name such as John Smith? I want to know. Really. I do.

Isn't there a decent strip club in Kalispell where Randy Lee could have gone to die? I mean getting a lap dance from a nekkid chick seems like an infinitely more "fun" way to buy the farm than to be obliterated by a couple of teenage girls in a Prius. Maybe I am wrong, because I have never died before and I am quite unwilling to find out which way is a more "pleasant" way to go. Although death by stripper appears to be more enticing.