Saturday, 13 February 2016

She can't tell me the ocean doesn't want to swallow me and I don't need to breathe but I've dreamt of destruction , I've made it my fate with my fingertips , I've refused to let this sadness eat me whole and so it has broken me down before devouring me piece by piece

Tell me why she won't look me in the eyes, do they reflect so blindingly everything she's lost 4 years and three heartbreaks ago? She pushes me out and I'm left with her perfume and the memory of a summer day bright in my mind when her skin was warm and her face glowed with innocence. We've come a long way from home honey and I've lost my tears to the world that has bled me dry and you've lost your faith but we didn't have to lose each other , not like this.

The paper crinkles against my cheek , and I wake up in starts, I exist but to dream of her lately , it seems, a few thousand miles away, my best friend's getting married and I can't hold her hand and it breaks me a little inside, California is light years away and I'm typing congratulations when my heart breaks for the fourth time.

I've heard someone say that in what they've seen of life , it can only be said that it goes on, and some find that comforting but God sometimes I wish it didn't. That I could put a stop to this earth spinning and time winding years and distance between us and never truly letting us be who we once were. Her promises were empty , my declarations of love magnified but I'm here waiting , till time eats me alive .

Thursday, 11 February 2016

But have you counted the poisoned arrows that flew from then venom between her jaws , I've given up on the road to normalcy when her heart was lade bare in front of me and all that it beat out was hate , I've counted blades and silently swallowed them to protect myself from the screams tearing out of my lungs.

A violation, of the common code friendships hold, I've scarred myself walking on coals, bending backwards through the fire and trying to stay alive, I've let go of lifeboats and oxygen masks, all I need to survive is the truth, and when it hit me with force of a point four bullet , I bit my tongue. I'd rather live for the truth than love a liar and you were a fantasy built on bullshit , and when you succumbed to the strings of honesty , it did not hurt to watch your act fall apart .

I am intoxicated by my pain and she was drunk on love and we
were
a
mistake

I'm sorry I'm this weak but I've got her name on my brain and her voice in my lungs , I can remember everything she said to this day , and I can remember when she stopped saying anything at all.

One day you'll be hung over from all the poisonous mistakes you inhaled and when you're dangling on the edge puking your guts out , corroded from all the toxins they fed you, bittersweet broken promises and empty nothings , you will find God and let him take away the pain

Friday, 5 February 2016

I shut my eyes against these blatant untruths , I swear when he looks at me I can count the stars strewn across his eyes , every dream he gave up on etched in the lines on his forehead , his disappointment flooding this room with a sadness so thick you could suffocate in it. his eyes are weakened, staring at the computer screen, he almost forgets to not let me see him limp , he breaks my heart every time he gets on a flight to leave again.

I've walked this empty road with bleeding soles only to end up in hell , the demons are alive and playing with my mind again,the walls threaten to envelop me and the fight has drained out of my fists, does the sea complain about always returning to the same shore? Does the sky weep for all the children it returns to the sea, is there a story that ends in anything but death ?

Will these questions ever really stop spinning around in sickening circles in my head, will I ever see her face again? Don't let slip those honey sweet words from your charismatic mouth and charm me out of mind again , I'm begging you .

Nobody ever tells you how lonely it gets trying to stay alive , and honey I could cup your face in my hands and lie to you just as easily as they lied to me when they said I'll survive , but I have too much poison spilling out of me from all the toxic people I've made the mistake of loving .

Don't trust the people who claim to love you , promises won't make the pain of their absence any easier when they end up leaving , and they always do

Tuesday, 2 February 2016

Hello there , old friend. Smoke screens and coffee steam and two screens separate this voluntary virtual meeting between us . Let us proceed to have yet another empty conversation where our words are pregnant with insinuations and we care more than we know we should and yet we let on nothing in this nonchalant exchange of nonsensical pleasantries. The word we really want to and need to speak are dancing underneath our tongues as our fingertips slide underneath letters . Here's everything I wanted to say to you and I never really will.
I wish we used to be the kind of friends we were five years ago , I wish you'd pick up when I called, I wish you'd text back and not shut me out , I wish what I did to save myself didn't break you till you wanted nothing to do with me.
Have a wonderful birthday , I wish you were spending it with me.