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April 28, 2005

The babe is all screwed up from the trip and he is taking it out on me. Last night it was like i was sharing my bed with a rabid weasel. He was just gnawing on me constantly from about 4-7 am. He is back to screaming bloody murder when I put him down for the night. Screaming. From the second he leaves my arms. Then proceeds to wake every hour. We are never traveling again. Ever. I know that you cio-ers are shaking your heads and wondering when we will give in to the dark side (oh let me tell you it won't be long). I knew this would happen but Matthew and I are just so sad to be back in sleep purgatory.

April 27, 2005

We're back from california aka Grandparentland. In Grandparentland there are 8 arms for every baby. Delicious meals materialize on time and can actually be eaten in one sitting. The beds are big and comfy and there is no need to sleeptrain the baby who is 3 hours ahead anyway. In Grandparentland you can pee when you need to pee. Everyone thinks your baby is just as cute as you do (maybe even more). You can go days without having to change a diaper and the babysitting is free. You are showered with gifts. It's a wonderful place and I am sad that we had to leave.

Cold reality greeted us in Queens as we touched down. (Although I'd like to publicly thank the transportation gods for giving us a completely turbulence-free flight and letting our bags come out first thus paving the way to spot #3 in the taxi line. Ahhh it was good). Today I ignored everything on my list that I left for myself in order to stretch out the vacaciones, but the list beckons like a Poe plot device. Putting the boy down tonight was painful. Back to square one as we knew would happen but still, ugh. We have officially retired the bassinet and he will be sleeping in our pack and play until we get a real crib. I am so sad to see the bassinet go. Everyday he becomes more and more of a little person and it is wild and wonderful but it's still hard to let go of newborn Lowell.

April 20, 2005

I was having an IM conversation with my friend Erica on monday (happy belated birthday Ericyar! It's raining Aries on LetterB...) and she asked me how motherhood was going in general. "Has it taken over your life?" she asked. I thought for a second, because I wasn't sure how to answer. (IM is good for that. You can take some time before you have to respond unlike normal conversation where you have to fill the verbal space pretty quickly or people get concerned). I paused because the phrasing of her question made me realize how totally different my life is since Lowell came along. I wouldn't say that motherhood has taken over my life because like most traumatic events there is life before the event and then there is the life that comes after. They feel like two distinct lives in a way. I was telling her that of course I miss my old life. I miss it sorely sometimes and even mourn it. But that my new life is so amazingly beyond my wildest expectations that the old one pales in comparison. It was the first time that I really thought about it and I am the first to be surprised by how fulfilled I am by becoming a mother. I never thought I would feel this way. I'm not sure why, maybe because I don't think that it happens to all women and for some reason I thought I would be one of those with much more ambivalent feelings. But I was wrong. When I am not cranky or foggy or in a total panic I am pretty much completely blissed out. That is the news today and the news is good.

April 19, 2005

April 17, 2005

Lowell's sleep issues are becoming the focus of our existence. Will he sleep tonight? Will he nap for more than 32 seconds? Will we experience the sweet joy of 3 hours of sleep in a row? Will I be interrupted during this blog entry? One time? Six times? When I speak with friends, family, colleagues, strangers in line at the grocery store, the conversation pretty much revolves around whether the boy is sleeping or not. I think that this happens not because i look like ca-ca most of the time but because it's the only thing that I really talk about these days. It's my obsession and I am boring people, people that I love as well as innocents, to death. I apologize. I really do, for losing my mind and babbling on ad nauseum about my son's (lack of) sleeping habits. I apologize for this post, although if you are reading this you really have no one to blame but yourself.

So back to Lowell's (non) sleeping. We aren't really trying that hard with the 'methods' right now because we're headed to California this week for Passover. Another symptom of the tunnel vision is that as much as we are looking forward to this trip we can't stop seeing it within the prism of the havoc it is going to raise on the 'routine' and how it's going to send us back into the dark ages of hourly waking. Matthew and I were discussing earlier that if he sleeps through the night before thursday we'd be forced to cancel the trip. I know you may be thinking, "by Jove, the girl has lost her marbles" but it affects every single thing in our life right now and if he did make it through we'd be sorely pressed to f##k it up by traveling to another timezone. This was really just a joke, but kind of like a joke one person makes to another person on a desert island about passing up a life raft for a magic five-star dinner. Relaxing the 'routine' though has had the unintended affect of making him sleep slightly better. If we don't count last night (and we won't because it suuuuuucked) he has had a few nice stretches of sleep lately. Unfortunately most before we were in bed so it would behoove us to adjust our sleeping habits accordingly. But, and I know I'm preaching to the choir here (or more colorfully, farting at the skunk), the time that he is in bed in the evening is the only fricking time we ever get a second to do something other than parent or work. It's our time and we'll be damned if we spend it sleeping! I'm sure you see the conundrum, Gentle Reader. In any event, if you aren't preoccupied now with ways of not speaking to me or checking this blog until this obsession has passed then I'll fill you in soon on how we're doing as the saga continues. If you are bored to tears at this point then check out the latest Lowell album. There are new pics. xoxoxox.

April 09, 2005

This is a belated birthday wish (is there any other kind these days?) for my sister Kara who turned (insert ridiculous age here - how is this happening?) on April 1st. A few words here about my sister: Kara is the most generous, caring, loving, honest, wise and delightful person that I have ever known. The fact that she is also my sister is the cream on the cake. She has always been my most cherished friend, whether I knew it or not. Kara is an incredible mom, my role model as a mother; if I can be half as good as she is then I'll be just fine. I don't know what we would have done without her help, support and excellent advice these past few months. Not to mention putting up with me during my pregnancy (can you say drama queen?) and then being my fairy god-doula during delivery. Kara, you are the most amazing person inside and out. I hope I tell you this enough. I love you. Happy birthday!

April 05, 2005

Did i miss a cultural moment here? When did CareBears make a comeback? I just bought new diapers for the boy and those cuddly kitch masterpieces are cavorting all over the velcro strip. To me Lowell looks like the height of ironic 80's retro-chic and could be pictured in Vice magazine's "Do" column but I have been assured that CareBears are all the rage again and are available in stores.

We had another sleepless night and then I had a hilarious dream today when I was napping with the boy. We were in the back seat of a parked car, Lowell was just lying on the seat and I was sitting not buckled in and we were both sleeping. The driver started the car and pulled into traffic and I knew that I should tell him to stop but Lowell was fast asleep and I was like "f#ck it, I'm not waking him up."

My favorite quote of the week (from an otherwise totally underwhelming article about globalization/outsourcing by Thomas L. Friedman): ''Remember, in China, when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.''

April 02, 2005

The boy is 17 1/2 lbs at last count. He is in 6-9 month old clothes and gone up a diaper size (of course we didnt realize this until just after we had bought the supermegagiant pack of his old size). For those of you keeping score he is just over 4 months old. If these baby metrics mean nothing to you let me assure you that were issued an xxl baby. He has discovered the beauty of his hands floating above his face and stares at them for hours. He looks like a little stoner tripping out on tracers. He has also figured out that it's best to stick your tongue out for the majority of your waking hours. (See fig 1). Speaking of waking hours he has many of them. Many many many of them. Especially between 2 and 6 AM. He is doing slightly better on the sleeping front since last report but mainly when he naps a lot during the day. This last week getting him to nap has been a real struggle. He hates the swing, hates the vibrating seat, doesn't really cotton to being rocked, walked, patted or jiggled. Mainly he likes to stand and play and then meltdown. Lowell is also starting to drool quiiiite a bit. (see fig 1 again). Teething is in our future. Hurray! And last but not least, he has discovered his feet and can now grab them. We're very proud. Lowell sends love to his many fans and asks that you say hi in a comment. ;)

This week i started working on a part-time basis at my old job. I am going in 2 days a week and workings some hours at home in a consultant capacity. My emotions pretty much ran the gamut. I was elated on the first day. Everyone was very happy to see me and to have me back. I was really happy to see all my work friends and comrades. Since I'd left Lowell at home with Matthew I felt fine. I missed him of course but I wasn't worried or anxious which was great. I felt calm, capable and productive for 8 straight hours as opposed to careening from okay to bewildered to euphoric to hopeless several times an hour as I do with Lowell. I came home and helped put the baby to bed and felt like it was going to work out great. On Tuesday I missed the office. That was surprising. I can totally see why women who don't necessarily have to go back to work do go back and keep working throughout their kids' childhoods. It is in some ways so much easier than staying home. Not to get into the great debate but leaving your baby with your spouse and going into work is a hell of a lot easier than being the one home with the baby. And that sums up the history of traditional bourgeois division of labor by sex I guess. Plenty of drawbacks of being the one bringing in the paycheck and working 9-5 sucks in its own vile way but the traditional husband role is cake in comparison to the SAHM role. On Wednesday I went back in and it was still good. I was so happy to leave the house in the morning and have an entire day of adult interaction ahead of me. By Friday though I was hating having to respond to emails and I was remembering a lot of the drawbacks of my position in a very visceral way. We'll see how it goes. It helps to be working in some capacity both monetarily and otherwise but I wonder if it will be the best of both worlds or the worst. For now I feel pretty lucky that I can experiment, that's for sure.