Tallying All of the Good and Bad Decision-Making in the Premiere Episode of The River

Produced by Oren Peli of the Paranormal Activity film series, The River follows a crew of documentarians into the wilds of the Amazon, as they search for the missing cast and crew of a popular nature show. Shot partially in over-the-shoulder documentary style, ABC’s new Thursday-night show traces the adventures of the search party as it navigates through a haunted jungle—almost like a choose-your-own-adventure book. It made this recapper wonder: which path would I choose?

In comes the “Bad-Decision Timeline.” On a scale of -10 to 10, we’ll grade the major events of each episode, dissecting how, when, and why the search party invariably went astray. But first, a brief intro to the cast.

Dr. Emmet Cole: Our story’s MacGuffin. Once the host of The Undiscovered Country, a popular nature show, Emmet went missing some six months before the show begins. He may also be a magician.

Lincoln Cole: The protagonist. A recent med-school graduate with an apparent chip on his shoulder, Lincoln leaves in search of his father at the request of his mother. May or may not be magical to some degree.

Tess Cole: The mother. Once the co-host of The Undiscovered Country, Tess manages to secure funding to search for her husband by selling both herself and her son as a reality show. Definitely not magical.

Lena Landry: The eye candy. Lincoln’s childhood friend and the only other child who sailed on the Undiscovered Country ship—she also appears to have been the closest person with Emmet right before his disappearance. Definitely a magician along the lines of Emmet . . . she just doesn’t know it yet.

Clark Quietly: The one you’re supposed to hate, but kind of end up liking. As the former producer of The Undiscovered Country, Clark is funding and filming the rescue mission. Not magical in the slightest.

Kurt Brynildson: The muscle. Guns, guns, and more guns—this summarizes everything the gruff, practical Kurt has brought with him on the expedition.

Emilio Valenzuela: The mechanic. A crew member on the original ship, Emilio can fix basically anything.

A.J. Poulain: The overzealous go-getter. As a cameraman, A.J. will do literally anything to get “the shot”—sacrificing not only himself, but others.

Jahel Valenzuela: The creepy kid. As the daughter of superstitious mechanic Emilio, Jahel has the ability to talk to ghosts and the inability to speak any English whatsoever. As someone well versed in creepy superstitions, Jahel is likely to be the bearer of all ominous catchphrases throughout the show.

Sammy: The cannon fodder.

The Timeline:

Episode One: “Magus”

Tess convinces Emmet to leave in the first five minutes (-3): While a bad idea for the obvious reason that it almost immediately puts the entire cast in the middle of a magical jungle full of things out to get them, it’s also a negative because it happens a bit too easily. Emmet is forced to quit his newly acquired residency to join in what will in all likelihood be a dead-end search for his father. While there is some conceivable hope that Dr. Cole would have known enough about the Amazon to survive with his crew for six months, the chances are slim at best and a little bit more screen time spent convincing Emmet would have made it more believable.

Tess finds Emmet’s beacon underwater, in a shattered steel cage, and decides to keep looking for him. (-6): I’m no expert, but the last time I checked, nothing remotely close to human has brute strength to pry apart a steel diving cage. Sure, the party is already in the jungle, and sure, they’re clinging on to hope, but with their only lead being that the original ship, the Magus, was at some point on the Amazon river, it would have been a much better decision to call it quits right here.

The gang resupplies in a village and adds new cast (+6): One point for making the good (and realistic) decision to stop in a local village and resupply, and five points for the arrival of Lena. Not only is she the show’s much-needed eye candy but she comes with useful leads on where to go and boating experience. As tempted as I was to give this decision a 10, when everyone subsequently ignores Jahel’s ominous warning that the boat is in the Boiúna—what appears to be the Bermuda Triangle of the Amazon—my hand was forced.

The teams finds the rusted Magus and boards it (-7): Not only is the boat barely seaworthy when they finally find it, when the crew hears what can only be described as “ominous growling” from within it, they decide to check it out and venture deeper! Without even bringing ghosts into the equation, this is the Amazon. If you hear something that sounds like it can eat you, the chances are it’s not your missing father but something that will in fact eat you.

The crew opens the panic room (-7): If a panic room is welded shut from the outside, chances are that who/whatever is inside didn’t do the metalwork. Whoever welded the door shut was trying to keep something in the room, not out . . . and as no one on the crew of the Magus seems like the kind of person who would seal their good friends into a metal box to die, whatever is in there definitely isn’t a missing nature host. (Spoiler alert: it’s a blood-drinking spirit cast out of hell called a Corpo Seco. And it’s hungry.)

Lena finds and shares the secret tapes (+10): Lena has proven to be hands-down the most useful person of the episode. Not only does she find secret tapes that show us that Dr. Cole, a magician who can walk on water, conjure fire, control dragonflies, and trap evil souls in wooden containers, but she has the good sense to share these tidbits with the group rather than destroy them as Dr. Cole—who we find out had been in contact with Lena until the day of his disappearance—had ordered her to. Finally, the search party knows what it’s up against.

Sammy goes on deck to film a rampaging evil spirit that’s attacking the Magus (-10): While Emilio and Jahel’s managing to repair the rusted wreck of an engine was a quite a feat, it is over-shadowed by Sammy’s hotheaded decision to head on deck. If something is powerful enough to literally rock a moving boat and break through steel, it definitely packs enough of a punch to take out a cameraman. R.I.P., Sammy, you will be missed.

Lincoln traps the demon (+3): While stopping the rampaging Corpo Seco from eating everyone on board is most definitely praise-worthy (with extra kudos for figuring out how his father’s ghost trap worked), Lincoln’s triumph is more than a little marred by his mother’s attempts to delay her son from trapping the man-eating hell-spawn so she can have a chat with it. Sure, finding Emmet is important—after all, it’s the reason everyone is out there—but you have to be alive to find him. This is a lesson no one seems to be learning.

Kurt, the bodyguard, is planning to kill Emmet if they find him (+6): I have to say, when this plot twist was revealed, it caught me completely off guard. Who is he talking to on his satellite phone? What is the Source they’re talking about? And why does it need to stay secret? Obviously Kurt knows something about the magical happenings in the Amazon, but exactly what does he know? Ten points for awesomeness, but negative four points for the decision to kill what will likely be their only chance for survival throughout their journey (anyone who can make fire appear out of thin air is useful in my book).

Total episode score: -8

Total season score: -8

Episode Two: “Marbeley”

The gang establishes a video timeline (+4): If you insist on continuing your journey after a blood-drinking demon tries to eat your entire party, you might as well have as clear a view as possible of what you’ll come up against, and organizing the video journals of the only magician you know is a good start. Using Lena’s knowledge that Emmet had an infected bug bite on his hand, the crew is able to get a vague idea of when each video was filmed, and where the missing cast and crew of The Undiscovered Country were before they disappeared.

Everyone ignores the possessed girl (-10): If the spirit of your missing husband possesses the clairvoyant daughter of your mechanic and tells you to run away, you should listen. Period.

The group finds, and then camps out in, a graveyard full of disfigured dolls. (+1): While credit is due to the group for at least attempting to not spend the night in the haunted jungle dollhouse, they really should have tried harder.

In a flashback, Lincoln accepts a magic necklace (+3): Sure, this was back in 1989, and Lincoln no longer actually has the necklace. But there’s a nice scene where Emmet tells his son that nothing truly important is ever really lost, which suggests that the neckpiece will make a reappearance. It also hints that Lincoln might have some sort of magical ability of his own.

A.J. wanders the camp taunting the ghost of a lost child (-4): You would think that after being attacked just hours ago by an angry spirit, A.J. would have the good sense to not taunt another one . . . sadly, this is not the case. In his endless quest as a cameraman to “get the shot,” A.J. goads the ghost in to attacking Lincoln, which starts a domino affect of bad decisions.

The group flees the ghost child through the jungle (-3): While being camped near an angry ghost trying to drag people into the water is obviously not an ideal situation, running blindly through the jungle in the middle of the night just makes things worse. Light a fire and stick it out till morning, then run like hell.

Jahel forces the spirit of Emmet to continue possessing her (0): While Jahel should know better than to force a ghost’s hand (especially as it’s revealed that her mother was lost after being possessed) it is an act preformed out of necessity, and does confirm that Emmet is in fact alive.

Lincoln steals a teddy bear and then tries to give it back (-11): I know the lowest score is technically a -10, but when is stealing a doll that was meant to appease an angry spirit ever a good idea?

Lincoln figures out how to appease the spirit (+7): Turns out it was as simple as connecting the ghost child to his nearby ghost mother. Obvious, maybe, but it’s hard to think when your own mother has been dragged down to murky depths. Lincoln is starting to work his way up the ladder to episode MVP.

Lincoln retrieves the magic necklace (+8): As things continue to get stranger and more deadly, this can only be a beneficial move in terms of party survival.

Turns out the group is traveling with a “chosen one.” (+7): Turns out the magic necklace probably wasn’t meant for Lincoln after all, but rather Lena, who has a birthmark that matches the symbol on it. Chosen children always make good travel buddies.