Humor might deflect this Neanderthal

February 17, 2009|By Amy Dickinson

Dear Amy: My husband has been retired for a number of years, and I hold a full-time job. We share household chores and are comfortable with our arrangement. For example, he does the grocery shopping, I do the cooking and he'll do the dishes.

We both pitch in and do laundry, housework and yardwork.

Because he is so helpful, we are able to spend my days off together. This arrangement seems fair to both of us.

The problem is that we are good friends with another couple, "Jim" and "Jane," both retired.

Jim rigorously adheres to the "man-of-the-house" role, with Jane handling all household chores. In other words, he is retired, but she has a full-time job keeping house, which she sometimes grumbles about. When my husband mentions that he has plans to grocery shop or do laundry, Jim makes taunting remarks and tells him he is a "traitor to his sex."

Apparently Jim believes that I should handle all the household chores when I come home from work and my husband should spend his retirement being waited on hand and foot. How should we handle this irritating situation?

-- Working Wife

Dear Wife: When your friend witnesses your husband behaving like a true partner to you, it highlights the contrast with his own behavior. His comments are merely a smoke screen designed to divert everyone's attention from his own choices.

What would happen if his wife, for instance, got ideas from watching the way you two handle yourselves? She might resign her post as his personal waitress.

The best way to handle an irritant is to slather it liberally with antibiotic ointment. Because you can't do that to your friend, I'd suggest that your husband hand the joke back to him by saying a version of, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a nice soapy sponge will never hurt me."

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for just over a year but have been together for almost 10 years, since we were 18. I love him very much. He is an amazing person and will be a good father when/if we decide to have children.

Lately, for no good reason, I've been feeling trapped. I feel as if we got together too young, moved in too quickly, and I desperately need some space.

We have our little arguments like anyone else, but no real issues that I think justify ending a marriage. I'm sure we can get past this, but sometimes I don't know if I want to.

I don't know how to talk to him about how I'm feeling because I can't explain it myself, but he has noticed that I've been distant, and I don't want him to feel hurt. I can't talk to my friends about it because they all think we have the perfect relationship.

Is this a normal phase for newly married people? How can I knock it off and focus on the very nice life we have built together?

-- Concerned

Dear Concerned: I diagnose you with a case of galloping ennui. This malady attacks most thinking people at some point, often in their late 20s. Some people bury their ennui in babies or polka lessons. Don't do this -- figure out what's going on.

Rather than becoming distant and considering ditching your marriage, you should let your husband in. Imagine how alienating your distance is to him. Tell him, "I'm going through something. I don't really know what it is, but can I tell you about it?"

Share. Share with him and with your friends. Talk about what you're experiencing.

Therapy is the ideal place to plumb the depths of the unknowable and indescribable. You should consider it.

Dear Amy: Regarding a recent letter from someone telling about an "online baby shower," I also think it is a tacky request for gifts.

An e-mail birth announcement would perhaps be OK, but that's it.

I would be tempted to respond by sending an e-mail photo of a virtual gift, all in the spirit of replacing a real shower with one online.

Then the "guest" could enjoy a return e-mailed photo of tea and cake.

-- Dee in Oregon

Dear Dee: I can imagine an "online shower" would be helpful for women living a great distance away from friends or family (due to a military deployment, for instance), but otherwise, I appreciate your witty response.