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Thursday, March 17, 2011

It is hard not having Mallory, although we talked very little as time passed, she left a huge impact. I do not really understand death or why God chooses certain paths for people, I am stuck asking why a lot and questioning my faith. More than anything my faith reminds me that I am not in control and there is only one constant in my life….. GOD. I guess I am a huge “why” questioner, in every aspect of life. (yes, I was the three year old that asked why after each answer) How do you cope, how do you fill the holes in your heart and how do you have the strength to keep picking your self up?

Its not that I question GOD, I just question his method. Yes, did I mention I was very contradictory sometimes too? I just miss Mallory and others that have passed, why couldn’t he have stopped at the end of sixth day (“saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good” - Genesis 1:31). I know the answer and deep down it completely makes sense, at times though pain, sin & anger get the best of me and I forget.

Sadness, Tragedy, Loss, Pain… all the ills of the world exist because of a key part in having a relationship with God: all the ills exist as a reminder than sins have consequences and everyone needs a Savior.

I am not questioning God, I guess I am scared to think of a world without the impacts certain people have made to not only my life but also my families and even the overall public. I question everything, even when I shouldn't, I would rather open my mouth and inquire than to keep quite and ponder. Some of my conversations with God are rough and looking back I cannot believe the intensity and evil I felt, let alone expressed. I’m not ashamed by it, because that is me, just embarrassed that I forgot my values and religion. The uncertainty of life scares me, I think more than anything I am scared of my plan not working out. (Yes, I’m a control freak, I’m working on it) I carefully step forward and sometimes miss opportunities because of fear. Trust is difficult.

I think about Mallory a lot. Maybe not the times we spent together or even how I miss her. But I think of her spirit and how no matter what, she danced. I have spent many many many hours, dollars and tears worrying about what happens after you dance. Pure exhaustion can any describe the energy put into my fears and the energy others have put into dragging me on the dance floor.

It has made me, know “me” better and understand my relationship with God better. It is by no means perfect, (nowhere near it) and I do not always agree BUT I think I understand HIM a bit more.

The past few months, I think something really is starting to click.

Dance and then you'll see, but never stand on the sides plotting every step.

Now I do (occasionally, baby steps people) watch my feet but they are moving! I have spent the last 3 or 4 semesters worrying about how my dreams and desires have U-turned my college plan too many times. Completely freaked out, to a point where I barely tried, just to keep me standing still, safe.... All that standing, planning, and contemplating did was produce a path that I didn't even know where I was going. Not that I really much more now BUT that planning and standing path was the complete opposite of me.

I just realized how unhappy I was and how living life scared the crap out of me. I think that path was rough and bumpy, but it taught me a lot and who I was trying to get out and cause a big detour. I kept running away, stuffing my pain and eventually exploding…. A cyclic cycle I’ve been stuck in.

This cycle I’ve allowed fear to keep me in has handed me many very very very VERY hard mouthful to swallow BUT it’s made me who I am. (yeah I never really caught on easy method being EASIER) Through all this, I dug me out and looked hard into the mirror (it only cracked a little).

I honestly have a long way to go, but I am trying..... actively trying and actively putting effort in staying on the dance floor. Its been awhile and consecutive. (which speaks mountains)

Some where some how, Mallory reminds me to keep dancing, even if you have 2 left feet or only 1 leg! Its starting to click and I cannot remember when those clicks sparked anything or kept me going. I got a HUGE mountain in front of me, but I’ve started and that is a lot. Yeah maybe the fact that I'm "growing up" and have traveled down almost every dead end or dangerous road adds to it, but Mallory is a big part, she reminds me that rhythm has nothing to do with dancing in the rain!....

Thank you Mallory for the extra push, the extra faith, the extra pair of heels, you pick me up to make use of me, to keep me on the dance floor, no matter the conditions!