Tuesday, March 23, 2004

like a rolling stone

it's funny how two weeks ago i was beginning to believe that the world was my oyster. i was ready to stick my knife right in it and claim my pearl out of the sticky goo-i was ready for anything and hoping everything was in commute. i was finally feeling the momuntem of movement and progress; so happy to be busy, to be able to seriously plan a trip to paris with belle, to not feel bad about spending $20 at los lupes on margaritas, to feel as if things were finally looking up and it was only a matter of time until this stage of my life could be made into a memory. i forgot to knock on wood and before i could blink twice the progress slowly tumbled to the ground; the lack of momuntem left me anxious; the boredom crawled into my pores, flooding my head, and pouring itself out through the sockets of my eyes; the plans for paris crawled under scrutiny causing me to wonder if unless i found a real-non-waiting-tables-steady-income-job that perhaps it wasn't going to happen afterall; the feeling of optomism was over powered with the feeling of lonliness then toppled with pms for dramatic results, and, after a day of analyzing the causes, of drawing up strategies towards a sure victory i went home only to be greeted with the news that i must find somewhere else to live and to find it fast because, well, the kids were 15 minutes late to school and i forgot to make sure caleb wiped the breakfast off his face. i'm too confused with thinking about "ok so what do i do now" to be mad at them because really what do i do now? i haven't had time to save any money. i don't have enough shifts to think i'll have enough money for the first months rent somewhere else in ten days. i don't even know with my bad credit that i could get a place even if i wanted to. and i'm sure as hell not going back to corpus christi. should i join the coast guard? hmmmm. the navy? hmmmmm. should i just pack up and hike it out to portland? what is a girl to do???