I'm a rambling mass of inconsistencies, some hidden and some all too apparent. A "messy human", wishing to be visible and yet invisible, cherishing my differences but longing to fit in.

Monday, 9 June 2008

Knowledge

I've now had sight of many of the emails which have circulated round BLPT concerning me. I know there are very many which the search of the system did not (could not) throw up. I've decided not to pursue that - I have the information I need and on the whole it confirms my previous beliefs. It has made me a bit sad to see some of the comments written about me, particularly when those comments contradict things said to my face. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though.

Their line continues to be that my complaint and all that ensued was a result of my mental health complicated by a few mistakes they made.Mine continues to be that my complaint and all that ensued was a result of their actions, resulting in a deterioration of my mental health.

Semantically, there seems little difference. Emotionally and experientially the difference is massive.

They will never accept, I am sure, that their actions were the catalyst for what happened to me. I'm still not convinced that the HCC will be able to put aside all BLPT's words and "professional advice" and declarations that my mental health was at the root of all this. What I have read has convinced me that they will never be able to see my point of view. Can I see theirs? To a certain extent I can. I did make a lot of contact with them. I did constantly seek answers and clarification. But they didn't provide the answers. They didn't provide the clarification. They witheld information. And, most of all, they covered their own backs and didn't apologise for things they patently did wrong. It's interesting, isn't it, that I didn't pursue the failure to provide me with information. Why? Because the relevant department within BLPT provided the information, apologised for the fact that they got it wrong.

In many ways it is behind me now. I'm moving on. But I will not stop calling them to account for what they are doing to so many people in the "system". People like Mandy who have had to fight far beyond their strength to get the help they need.

I do want to register, too, that in my case some of the clinical advice was wrong. For many people it may be correct to have advised that pursuing the complaint was unhelpful. For some people it might have been right that silence was the appropriate response to my enquiries. But not for me. For me, knowledge, information, answers are what I needed. Each piece of knowledge I have eventually obtained (clinical notes, complaint notes, emails) has helped me to piece together this messy jigsaw and see what was going on, what was being covered up and some of the behind-the-scenes conflicts which fed into the problems I experienced. The information has, on the whole, not changed my opinion, but it has helped me to come to terms with what happened to me.

Because I am in no way convinced that their attitude or futur behavoiur is in any way altered.

That feeling is, in my opinion, reinforced by the latest discoveries.

If I leave it here, how many more people will be treated as I have been?

D today told me that things are changing in the way people are treated. I know things are different in certain teams. But until mistakes are admitted, changes are identified - how can real change happen?