Pages

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Balancing Act

Before I go any further, I should probably acknowledge the jurassic-sized elephant in the room: The four-and-a-half months that have transpired since my last post. It's the longest I've gone without writing since I naively started this silly little pink blog in April 2008, not realizing that it would lead me to where I am today -- in a job that I love so much it consumes me to the point where I have little energy left for anything outside of it. The ultimate blessing and curse that often leaves me wondering if I'm living the dream or abiding in a nightmare. I've missed this space. I've missed being able to Pollack my thoughts into the universe without thinking about who was reading (or, more accurately, who wasn't reading) because the foremost point was unfiltered self-expression. But most of all, I've missed my identity as a writer and the balance it brings to my life.

I don't regret my decision and would choose the same path again without hesitation, but I do regret that I've let this side of myself shirk to the background while "PR Diana" commands the room. Sometimes I get a panicked feeling that all anyone sees anymore is that girl. I worry that perhaps they (you?) miss who I was before when my hand wasn't constantly clutching my phone, when I remembered to send birthday cards on time, and when I would unearth unedited and uninhibited daily compositions on chocolate bars and quinoa salads as though that was what mattered the most in the world.

It's easy to be nostalgic for those days, to see them through 20/20 vision and block out the paralyzing anxiety I felt over "my purpose" during that period of time. That particular memory box is filled with tear-soaked phone calls to my mom, toxic self-doubt, and a pulsating fear that I was never going to be anything more than an assistant who made someone else's travel arrangements. I still get a bit giddy when I present someone with my business card that's emblazoned with a legitimate title. I mean that's really the whole point of having them, isn't it? So there's some form of official documentation that one has achieved an approximation of adulthood? However meaningless it all is.

Naturally, the "achievement of adulthood" comes with a new set of struggles that feel, in many ways, equally paralyzing as the ones that preceded it in my former life. How do I reconcile the "new" me with the "old" me? How do I stop myself from letting a career, cultivated from a passion that first found its voice on this blog, bleed into every aspect of my existence?

How do I find balance?

I've been thinking a lot about that word lately. Last month I joined a group of "career-focused women" at my church that could easily come with the tagline, "The Pursuit of Balance: Learning How to Not Do it All." The subject keeps coming up over and over again in such an avert way that I feel as though I'm in the midst of a giant "wake-up call." I'm starting to realize how much I stand to lose if I don't find some semblance of balance in the months to come: Pre-existing relationships, the potential for future relationships and, perhaps most importantly, a relationship with my true self.

No comments:

About Me

Maybe it was during my trip to NYC in July, 2006 when my older brother took me on a culinary tour of the city. Or maybe it was when I discovered that steak tastes better when not charred black. Or maybe it was present all along -- just waiting for the right moment to spring forth.
Some may call it obsession, others might call it gluttony, but I call it passion. My name is Diana, and I love food.