"It's so obvious, but I never would have thought that in a million years." That's what Usable Insight is. It's very close to what you are already doing and you can use it immediately to make your life better and share it with others to help them do the same.

They use fear and intimidation to get the better of you. But don't write off the corrigible jerks and a--holes who may act that way because they don't know any better,just write off the incorrigible ones who do know better, but don't care.

A jerk is always a jerk (find out The Top 10 Ways to Recognize a Jerk); but occasionally an a—hole isn’t one at all. Ugliness—like beauty—is in the eye of the beholder, and sometimes a person who has a reputation as an a—hole is just someone with extremely high standards who can’t be manipulated by whiners, complainers and slackers who turn out to be awful people doing name calling to get out of work.

Next week, in “Awful People: Part 2 – Whiners & Complainers,” find out about those problem people who exasperate you more than they frighten you. In two weeks in the last part of this series, “Awful People: Part 3 – The Simple Way to Deal with Difficult People,” find out how to effectively handle all problem people.

If you like "Usable Insights" share them with your colleagues, friends and family. "Usable Insights" are Mark's signature in all his books.Check them out at: 800ceoread.com

Many people give up their power because they have a conflict about being aggressive. They view aggression as the same as hostility and view being hostile as being pushy, overbearing and bullying which goes against their view of themselves. This is often a reaction to being bullied or watching helplessly when someone else was being bullied during their childhood.

Aggression is not the same as hostility and can be healthy. Tiger Woods is aggressive in the way he plays golf; Lance Armstrong about the Tour de France; Jack Welch about the way he ran GE. All three are tenacious. At its core, tenacity, is fueled by aggression that has been internalized and integrated in your personality.

The key to whether aggression is healthy or unhealthy is whether or not it is tied to a principle. Tiger Woods,' Lance Armstrong’s and Jack Welch's aggression is built upon the principles of disciplined training, preparation, practice, execution, evaluation of the results and readjustment (see more about the Success Secrets of Tiger Woods and Jack Welch).

In the current corporate world, Jim Sinegal, CEO of Costco, and Peter Wuffli, CEO of UBS, are very aggressive about helping their companies succeed. Their success is built upon the principle of doing the right thing with regard to their people, their customers and their shareholders.

Throwing away healthy aggression because you think it’s all bad is “throwing out the baby with the bathwater” and also throwing away your chance to succeed in a competitive world.

Share Dr. Mark's "Usable Insights," with your co-workers, friends and families. If you think it will help them, it's not being pushy.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

In a (.com) time, long, long ago; in a galaxy, far, far away, I was the Couples Coach at ivillage. One of the columns I wrote in response to a reader's question regarding men using pornography generated much controversy. It also was very helpful it showing the high toll that using pornography can have on a man’s life. You might want to share this with individuals and couples who are having problems with this.

Why Men Use Porn (and How to Get Yours to Stop)

Dear Dr. Mark,

I have been trying to talk to my partner about his pornography addiction for two years now. He defends its use as being only for personal pleasure. He also says he can't masturbate without it and that the intimacy he has with me is the "real" thing. The fact that he does this is ironic because he follows a spiritual path whose sacred law is that nothing shall be done to harm the women and children. We have an 8-month-old daughter now and I don't want to hide anything from her as she grows up, yet this seems like a sordid secret. Would he be able to live with himself if his daughter came to him one day and said, "Hey Dad, I want to be a pornography star"? In the meantime, it's hurting me. When I make love with him, I'm flooded by all these images and I get sick to my stomach. Even though he's tried to tell me that I'm his "Number-One Goddess," I don't believe him. When we're out, I can't help thinking that he's undressing every woman he meets. HELP!

You might not like what I am going to say, but please hear me out. For women, verbally venting their frustrations is great stress reliever. No one knows why; it just is. Well, for men, an orgasm is a great stress reliever. No one knows why; it just is.

There are two kinds of sex -- sex with love and sex just for sex's sake. Many husbands feel guilty about having sex just for sex's sake with their wives, because they feel like they are using her as a thing (as opposed to making love to the person they care about). So instead of using their wives as things, many men use pornography and masturbation. I'm not advocating it or saying it's a wonderful practice, I'm just saying it's fairly common and not always unhealthy. Pornography and masturbation (in moderation) have probably saved more marriages than they have hurt. I think it's pretty sad, but it's just a fact of modern life.

To give you an idea of the stress men feel, one man asked me a few months ago if I knew what the definition of a shower was. I told him I didn't. He told me: "A shower is the place where grown men go to cry when they're afraid they can't keep the promise they made to their wives and children to always take care of them and don't want their family to see how afraid they are."

If you can show your husband that you understand the pressure and responsibilities on him, he may feel less alone and less stressed out. And if he feels less stressed out, he may not need to resort to pornography as much. Take him aside and say to him: "Nobody, including me, knows how awful the pressure from all your responsibilities makes you feel. And nobody, including me, knows that sometimes -- even though you love me and our children -- you wish you could be single and have nobody to worry about but you. Isn't that true, honey? I'm sorry it's so tough." From there, you may be able to start a dialog about what is worrying him and help him find positive ways of dealing with the pressures in his life.

I think Dr.Mark gave a poor answer.Such behavior cannot be blamed on stress.Everyone has stress in their lives and there are many healthy ways to relieve it.Any behavior that hurts another family member is not acceptable.I feel SAA(Sex Addicts Annonymous should be contacted.They have a wonderful program that helps a man,or woman,understand their problem,work through it and make ammends to those they have hurt.

04:11PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

I know this sounds strange, but I am a female and I agree with Dr. Mark. A lot of women eat chocolate during PMS, and that makes them feel better and less wound up. Masturbation does the same thing for men. At first I was a little puzzled about the frequency of my partner's porn hours, but now we've talked about it and I understand. Just try talking to your partner so you can understand, too. It actually makes sense when you sit down and listen. But if your man is using this and not having any sexual experience with you, he has a problem.

04:34PM EST02/26/99---Posted by anonymous

yea, but if he uses this as a substitute for having sex with you, it's not a good thing,and i don't believe that this practice is helpful to marriages in anyway

04:38PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

Why should I run to my hubby and tell him how sorry I feel for him having made the decision to have a wife and family. Stress? Stress is self induced. If he's so stressed because of his responsibilities of job and family he is not a man at all.

04:43PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

I,too, am a female who can see the reasoning in the Dr.'s answer. If this is so much a problem for the wife perhaps she should seek counseling. Few female acquaintences would let the thoughts of his 'porn' women come between them in the love bed.

05:06PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

Stress? What, so women never have stress? Yes, I agree that she should try and be understanding, but so should he. If it bothers her that much maybe they should both compromise.

05:09PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

There are all kinds of stress and just as many stress-busters. If a person feels relief in masturbation so be it. Personally, shopping is a stress-buster for me. The wife in question should take the daughter shopping while daddy's flopping!

05:14PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

Dr. Mark is very astute in his assessment of this very prevalent situaiton!

Stress, my ass! He just likes to get off. Having "been there, done that" for 8 years of marriage, it got to the point where even though he said I was his only one, he didnt have sex with me and turned to on-line sex. Did he think that this was a form of infidelity? No. What became of occasional porn/masterbation became stolen midnight sessions on-line and in front of the TV. He thought I didnt know. When we talked about it he became very defensive and closed up all together. We are now divorced after much counseling. He has his porn and I have a new lover who enjoys "live" sex.

05:22PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

Do what I did and tell him its either the porn or me but he cant have both. You could also put one of the Netnanny, etc.. on the computer if he raises a lot of cain about it then you know what you need to do.

05:36PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

My boyfriend has the same problem. In fact, he's been labled as a "sexual addict". Web pornography coupled with masterbation is a form of acting out frustrations, stress and anxeity. Through councelling, I've learned that it is not my problem. However, it doesn't lessen the pain. The thoughts that go through my head when ever he's on the computer, or making love to me wears on my self esteem and my daily life. I feel it's a dirty little secret and can only be discuss with my councelor as he gets very defensive about it. I've recently joined Co-Dependents Anonymous in order to help me through this.

05:49PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

if that what he likes to see let him as long as it doesn't go no furher

06:00PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

That is crap. Sure, understanding is wonderful, but on both sides. Luckily, my husband doesn't look at porn around our home. Thank goodness, too. We have two daughters who are grown now, but when they think about "slimy men" as they put it, they sure won't be invisioning their father. My husband has a storage chest and at the bottom of it is an X-rated movie. I'm sure he's forgotten it is even there. (Believe me on this.) I won't toss it because I'M understanding. Anytime I think of it though, it gives me the shakes. So understanding? Yes. Either he is a saint from what the good doctor is saying, or else he is UNDERSTANDING enough to NOT practice this hurtful exercise at home. He is FULL of stress, but when the needs arrises, he goes out and shoots his bow. By the way, I'm not embarrassed to give my name. I'm proud as hell of my husband's understanding ways.

06:03PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Suzanne (Fly)

My boyfriend and I watch porn together. At one time it became a little too frequent though. I think couples need a bit of both. A little of the "just plan gratify me sex" and a little of the romantic love making.

06:11PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

I have the same problem with my husband...let's turn the tables, if I were looking at men's porno sites I know it would make him feel just a little inadequate if not alot! As I've said to my husband if I always looked at men's porno sites I think that I too would be undressing men, just like I see him undressing women.

06:36PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

Pornography is a sin. It is filth and trash straight from the pit of hell. It manipulates people to do what they normally wouldn't do, and it exploits women, men, and children. My husband NEVER had pornography in our home, nor do our 2 grown sons have it in their homes. People can & do nicely live without it.

i think (as a female) that pornography is a perfectly legitamate way of having sexual pleasure and men need a place where they can orgasm without feeling like they need to be making the woman happy. Why not try to watch a movie with him? And as for your daughter whatever she chooses to do is up to her and I highly doubt that her life aspiration is to be a porn star.

i think it can become an obsession or an addiction, particularly when it replaces a sex ife with a real live person. once that happens, the end of the relationship can't be far behind.

07:28PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

Pornography is sleezey and an excuse to be involved in fantasy without intimacy. The recepient of this behavior, the spouse, does have feeling against this behavior that are legitimate.

07:59PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Liz

Dr. Mark: You missed the issue completyely. It is not just the porn. It gets so the men don't make love to their wives anymore. They don't want to share it with them either. Why on earth should we, as women tolerate it, when it gets to be a sneaky, constant thing that is ruining OUR sex lives???? And the men do not care!!! So, we like hands-on sex instead of porn or constant masturbation. They won't give it to us. Perhaps you should then also advocate that women cheat on their husbands because that could be the only way we get what WE need. I'm not tryinmg to be selfish. A little once in a while perhaps. But some men have lost all perpective of how they have battered the wife's self-esteem and have taken away the beauty of what their marital relationship should be. By the way, sharing it with them does not work when they are so obsessed. They don't WANT to share it with their wife. Makes some wonder who they do share it with.

08:00PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous 2

Well.....1st of all, there is nothing wrong with watching alittle porn now and then!It can spruce up a relationship, by gathering new ideas (for pleasure purposes) for "her" as well as him! Why not be exciting instead of boring!! I am sure that the majority rules in this favor!

My ex-husband was addicted to porn. You noticed the EX, I assume. His constantly looking at the "porn stars" wore away at my self respect until I felt that I wasn't good enough for him to love. He would tell me he loved me, but there was always the thought that he would rather be with them. I finally went for counseling when I could no longer take being ignored and unloved. I went hoping to find out what was wrong with me and came away knowing that there was nothing wrong with me, that the problem was with him. No amount of frustration gives a man a right to turn away from his wife for sexual satisfation and love. What about all the frustration the wife goes through? Not to mention the feelings of not being "good enough". I will never subject myself to that type of rejection again. I deserve better.

09:01PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

I was surprised by the Dr's understanding of men's situations. I was not surprised by, but was saddened by all the women who were so angry and unforgiving of men. So many women today have decided that they have the right to define right and wrong for men's sexuality, though no-one would accept a man trying to define right and wrong for women's sexuality. If a man has stresses, his wife should be the one person above all others who would let him show his weaknesses. Instead, what I see is a lot of women who call him a baby, make fun of him for feeling stressed or weak, and deride his manhood as a means of attacking him. It is no wonder that such men turn away from their wives. It is also no wonder that so many women know nothing of their husband's secret, and perhaps solitary, sex lives. I hold no blame for a man who gets more understanding from his hand than he does from his wife.

09:14PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Chubani

Pornography can ruin a marriage. A person who watches porn regularly for sexual gratification eventually loses the ability to become aroused with a real life partner.

09:30PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

Maybe if my wife felt like having sex more often than once every two months, I wouldn't have any interest in porn.

10:45PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

This question hit me right in my heart. Yes PEOPLE do get stressed out, both men and women. And some women are totally OK with thier husbands (or whatever) wathing porn, going to stip clus, ect... but their are those of us who do mind. Every relationship is different, but one thing all relationships need is love and respect. When either person doesn't feel respected things are bond to either be miserable or end. If the wive is loseing her self respect due to his porn, then he needs to take that into serious consideration. He doesn't seem to be looking at any of this from her point of view. How can he hurt someone he truelly loves? Iknow what you are thinking~ she needs to consider his point of view too, but I'm betting that she has tried that, and it still hurts her too much. I have been there, and trust me, it hurts, to wonder who they are thinkig about when they arre having sex with you? Maybe he ONLY thinks about her, but she doesn't beleave it, so it is still tearing her up inside. Women, you do what is best for you & your child, whatever that may be.

11:18PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

Well he tried to make you feel important or bail himself out! My husband kept hiding magazines from me, not having sex with me and not saying a word to me no matter how I stated his reading offended me....HIS CHOICE OF A WIFE. Size 5 blue eyed blonde of 3 years made no difference.I don't believe he ever gave them up, just gave up bringing them into the bathroom-bedroom-basement! I really understand

11:48PM EST02/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

My boyfriend says he's not addicted to those xrated porn sites.. but, then again, I am not a raving beauty either. Does he get aroused? He says he tries not to get "horney".. what man wouldn't get aroused gazing at naked pics for a few hours at night.. I can read the xrated stories and I know I am normal .. as I get quite aroused.. No body should substitute loving their partner for a xrated porn site.. It's either you love her and want to be with a body not a screen for the rest of your life.. Most men think they aren't addicted.. so what's a few magazines? That is not a problem but, it's when they are on the computer at night during the quality time they should be with their partner instead.. Alot of men use that excuse not to have sex with their spouse/partner/girlfriend/ so that leaves us feeling rotten & our self-esteem totally shot. I would rather have "live sex" with my partner than to be in competition with a naked pic on the screen. Or it's called disconect from the web..

The guy I am dating was a Porn-aholic. His only hobby seemed to be his knowing all the girls by name and bragging like he was life long friends with them. He was definitely living a fantasy. I am an erotic person and will and can do anything he was willing to do or see. After about 14 months of dating I can proudly profess that he has given up porn and is immersed in our non-stop sex life. He loves calls me his 'real life' porn star and can't even imagine going back to merely watching films. We do it all and are really very satisfied.

12:37AM EST02/27/99---Posted by Anon.

My husband goes to the websites with the porno sites. He knows that I don't like it. The way I see it, the more I push it the more he's going to look. Now he doesn't look because it's "old". Mabe if you don't push it he'll get bored with it. The way I see it your husband knows he gets a "rise" out of you. So just ignore it, it mght just go away.

01:52AM EST02/27/99---Posted by Anonymous

The letter sent by the lady never mentioned what kind of erotica he was looking at, why he felt he needed to use it when masturbating, or his view on the quality of their sex life. Since a relationship is a two-way street, perhaps they need to talk things out and reach a reasonable agreement that is sensitive to the needs and desires of both of them. If they continually argue over this issue, maybe they have a communication problem that goes beyond any sexual concerns. It's really a personal matter that is up to the couple. In the meantime, the woman should try to persuade him to make an effort and support her in improving their relationship, for the sake of both.

Maybe you should spice up your sex life. Share the fantasies which you both have and which are very normal. The more he feels compelled to go behind your back, the more hurt you will feel. But there is a time for fantasy and a time for reality.

03:22AM EST02/27/99---Posted by Anonymous

He is ruining your marriage. As a counseolor, I tell you you both need to seek a therapist together. This is a communication problem. Good Luck!

03:38AM EST02/27/99---Posted by Anonymous

I believe that porn is degrading and disrespectful. I refuse to be involved in any way with it and that means not letting my husband use me as an ending to his fantasy. We are human beings not animals and sex is meant to be a beautiful act possibly leading to a new life not just for stress relief. What happened to exercising or other forms of stress relief? People will justify anything to make themselves feel better, but there is no excuse for using porn. Why are people so afraid of having some principles and standards set and expecting people to (try) to live up to them. There are some things that are inherently wrong.

11:17AM EST02/27/99---Posted by anonymous

We share our household with two young men who live downstairs. On Valentine's day I turned on the computer and found a minimized picture of a may as well have been naked woman... It nearly ruined Valentine's day for me. My husband swears that he wasn't looking at it but I still feel suspicious. We have an unspoken agreement that our marraige is sacred and that there is no room for other men/women in it. I feel that people who tolerate the presence of others in their marraige needs to take a strong look at their committment to their relationship.

12:12PM EST02/27/99---Posted by Nutmeg99

Sex is an appetite that can be used or abused, just like any other appetite. An uncontrolled appetite can cause very large bodies, if it’s eating that is your problem. An uncontrolled sexual appetite causes problems in the home. It is as simple as that. One night my daughter caught my ex- jacking off to a porno film in the living room after he had promised me that he would never bring those films back into the house. He is my ex- now!

01:02PM EST02/27/99---Posted by fed up with uncontrolled jerks jerking

My EX would barely never make love to me but he sure spent an awful long time in the bathroom each and every morning!!! (and it's basically the only place we are separated other than work) He is the only man I know who can have an orgasm without making a single peep. I loved him with every fibre of my being but I am a beautiful young woman who needs to be loved and give love and not to just perform BJs for him where the focus is always and constantly on his member! I would not have cared about his bathroom expeditions if he had only "really" been with me more often. It seems that whether the masturbation is done in the more open livingroom or behind the bathroom door, the results are still as devistating. Hey maybe us women should start supporting those gorgeous hunks who bare all for us a little more! And part of the problem lies in "not feeling in the mood" Men will claim they don't want to make love to their bitchy wives but the truth of the matter is that wives would probably not have much to bitch about if they were SATISFIED IN BED!!

It sounds to me like he's (1) either gay or (2) just can't get it up for his wife and maybe she should leave him. My boyfriend and I constantly fight over his porn, but now after he realized that it hurt me, he stopped doing it all the time. Now he only does it when I'm not home.

05:46PM EST02/27/99---Posted by psychologist

In My opinion, have your husband read these posts. I think that this will get him to realize that he is hurting you and I'm almost sure that that is not what his intensions are. After reading these remarks, his attention may turn to you instead of porn. Good Luck

06:52PM EST02/27/99---Posted by Anonymous

I think that if women masterbated more often~as men do~we would have a higher sex drive. I have been married for over 20 years and it seems that the more sex I get the more sex I want. Try it, it can't hurt, and he may get interested again in the fact that you are having fun without him, and can do it without him! YOU GO GIRL!!!!

06:57PM EST02/27/99---Posted by Anonymous

some guys can never be explained and if he has to read pornography for enjoyment then there isn't anything you can do. You just have to decide whether you are going to let this come between you and your husband

08:24PM EST02/27/99---Posted by Anonymous

My situation is similar to most of the posts I read - but my husband goes a bit farther. He SAVES the pics and videos on countless dics that have fake labels. He also has started writing his own porn stories in which the main character always has some form of control over the women he suduces... then I found books he purchased on mind control and hypnosis. He, too, has a drawer in the bathroom and a footlocker that I am not permitted access to ~ he insisted it was "things to improve our love life" !!! I still become physically ill when I think about all these women that he lusts after. He has even written e-mail to some of the "models" telling them just how hot they are. I recently told him that if the porn is not out of the house and out of the reach of our 5 year old daughter ~ we were leaving. He has become more skilled at hiding it, but hasn't stopped. I love him dearly ~ but can not compete with all these models ...

the people in porn movies are real people. if any porn viewer would realize that the woman in the porn shot is someone's daughter. the man is someone's son. can that porn viewer, in clear conscience, have his/her children "perform" in order to relieve a best friend's (or neighbor, or boss, or co-worker) stress? anyone who views pornography has to be willing to allow their loved ones to be the performers. if that is not possible, then one had better realize that viewing of pornography can only be practiced when one is willing to give their loved ones up for another's pleasure!

09:28PM EST02/27/99---Posted by no name, please

My husband too has a "problem" with online porn. At first I was extrememly upset. When I questioned him he became defensive which led me to believe that he too knew that this sort of behavior was going to be upsetting to me. He used to stay up till all hours after me and my children had gone to sleep to look at these sites. He has stopped doing that but still does it at work on his laptop. He says that the guys look at it too. I have tried not to harp on him and so far it has helped. We are having more sex and he is on-line less.

11:58PM EST02/27/99---Posted by Anonymous

Porno and sex have nothing to do with stress. These men have still a long way to work through in their oedipeus complex. It's more a matter of psychic origin than psychological fact. One way to coop with this is to reinvest slowly in a closer relationship with him, until he can focus again upon you and with you. But it's not an ilnesss, it's not due to stress or anxiety. Another way is to question oneself and ask how come it came up in my marriage. and what has it to do with me. But that's a more deeper and far reaching approach to look at. For the question why men read and look more porno, lays in the answer that historically men always, deeply in themselves thought to "dominate", to have the power to give "pleasure". It's a psychic "power" element. Men identify themselves to that strong power phantasy.Women are still submitted for them. So, it's up to him to react and maybe look for some help. Otherwise love and patience can heal the wound in the couple. From Paris in France

My wife and I have always had a great sex life and it often included porn. We each have our own favorites and they add, not detract, from our sex life. The porn industry is probably in the multi billions and the x-rated video brought what was a man's preserve home to the enjoyment of many women. No man should be required to hide what is a perfectly natural interest in sex.

This seems to be a problem for so many marriages. The truth is pornography has been around for a very long time and will continue to be forever. Many men had their share of magazines but with the internet it is all so easily accessible and is very tempting. The problem is I believe when it passes over from just looking to communicating with another individual (chat rooms, etc.) My husband looks at the sites, to the point where my feelings were getting hurt. We spent many hours arguing about all of it. I have finally made him understand that it is not the looking but the amount of time spent there. In a loving relationship pornography should be an appetizer or the spice, not the main course. When it becomes the latter then you have a problem. I think women should visit some of the sites dedicated to just women and get an idea of what it is their men are doing and how harmless it is when used correctly.

08:22AM EST02/28/99---Posted by Anonymous

Hay, there is porn all over the place. You ladys that will not miss your sope in the daytime, night sope's? yes thats a form of porn. Your attrected to the fine hunk thats after "Lisa" or who ever, My point is here so what if you look, if there nude or not that does NOT matter. Its just a form of fanticy. I DO agree though if there is NO sex in your marrage then you have a problem. Not just sex but there are feelings to take into conserdition here. 1st is "LOVE" now there is a word that is so overused. Do you rember what that word means??? I do and its NOT PORN! I like porn but I LOVE my wife. I like like all people but LOVE my family.

01:23PM EST02/28/99---Posted by Kevin

i believe women should start using porn as an arousal device. for some reason, it's unacceptable for women to objectify men's bodies and look at them as purely sexual appendages. perhaps because of the feelings of guilt that are bred into us. but i firmly believe in equal opportunity sexism....and there's nothing more erotic to me than the image of a hot young, ripped body with a full erection. we must learn to separate love and lust as well as the guys do. it would save us a lot of grief and mistaken emotions.

Obviously, those of you that are just finding out about their husbands sexuality, did not know before marriage and do not have great communication. The one that said porn can actually add something to your sex life you are correct. There are just as many women that watch as there are men. Those women are in touch with their sexuality, and know how to get in touch with their men's sexuality. There are some porn out there that are not so "dirty", playboy at night is full of soft porn, they don't show full penetration. If you women are having a problem with men watching now after you are married, then the two of you were not honest and open enough before marriage to let it be known. My husband aims to please me. Not all men cheat after watching porn, only if they had it in them before. I am a spiritual person, and I don't think that porn is that shameful. If your love is strong enough, you can survive anything.

03:59PM EST02/28/99---Posted by Anonymous

I completely disagree with the Dr.'s answer. I just recently became engaged to the man I have been living with. He too likes to stay up late at night and visit the porn sites. One night, I surprised him by walking in on him while he had a picture of a porn star on the T.V. screen. Never have I felt so humiliated and dirty in all my life. I have a very healthy sexual appetite, but he never feels like having sex with me because he's always too tired. The night I walked in on him was one of those nights where he was so tired, but couldn't sleep. I tried to confront him about it, but he only got defensive with me. He doesn't realize why my self-esteem has been so low lately that I have nothing to laugh about, and I cry every time he is watching T.V. and comments on how beutiful the women are. I feel as if the three or four times a month that we have sex, he is picturing another woman. He says he loves me and that they are just appetizers and I'm the main course, but he is getting full on the appetizers and letting the main course get cold. I am at a loss at what to do, and feel as if my relationship with him is over. I am tired of him just wanting a blow job, and me never getting any pleasure that I now realize why so many woman have affairs, and so many marriages are ending in divorce.

09:52PM EST02/28/99---Posted by Alone

My opinion is I want to know how to log on or post to this chat without using my email address. i believe dr. mark is wrong in his opinion.

10:27PM EST02/28/99---Posted by Anonymous

There's no doubt in my mind that porn in a relationship is a serious sign of a communication problem. Both women and men need to learn to let the other know what they want in a sexual relationship. Try talking about what you would like to do with your lover.It can be a real learning experience and very arousing too. Be each other's "porn stars".

10:58PM EST02/28/99---Posted by Happy in Love (Finally!)

I agree to parts of the doctor's advice. Porn and masterbating can be stress-releasing, but the man in question is not doing it occasionally, he is obsessed! He is ruining his marrriage and hurting his wife. I know from experience how damaging this can be to a wife's self-esteem. My husband was obsessed with porno films and magazines. I hated it and felt it was a sin, because of my religious upbringing. Then I tried to watch it with him and bought my own magazines of Playgirl. I tried not to make mention of my disqust and grinned and beared it in order to save my marriage. We went to counseling and I loosened up and got in touch with my sexuality more by buying sexy lingere for my husband and attempting to strip for him. I bought sex toys and tried different ideas for spicing up a marriage from books I read. My husband wasn't bored with me anymore, and our sex life got better. He stopped buying the magazines, and just visits porno sites occasionally now. Usually I know when he has been looking at the pictures, because he comes to bed and ravishes me. What this boils down to, is how much do you love him, and why is he obssessed with porn. A wife can use porn to her advantage, if she is smart and not threatened by it. I know my husband loves me and he uses porn to get excited so he can love me better, and it doesn't bother me anymore. Maybe this wife is somewhat to blame. I know I was sexually inept and a prude when I was first married, and my husband turned to porn because he found me boring.I would advise the wife to join the husband some night at the computer. Wal into the room dreesed real sexy and without a word unzip his pants and give him a bj, while ripping off his shirt. I can almost guarrantee he'll be distracted from the naked grls on the screen to the warm live girl in person. You'll probably end up in bed together. Try it, it works! Good luck!

I am inclined to agree with Dr. Mark. I left our bedroom to sleep alone because I was stressed and he snored so I could not get any sleep. This went on for six months... and my husband called chat lines once a month for six months. I don't consider this to be addicted to porn. In addition, my husband was severely stressed with his job and with his personal life at home. When I caught him, we were both heart sick about the whole situation and it actually rejuvinated our marriage and made us realize how much we really love each other. We are so much in love now and our sex life has never been better. It's a 10 now.

08:30AM EST03/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

I think Dr. Mark needs to get some more information about sexual addiction before he can make a guess like that. Only the women that are/or have been in this type of situation can truly tell of the humiliation that follows a lovers sexual actions. If it is something that is accepted by both partners, it is okay. But, if the man doesn't come clean in the beginning and give the woman the opportunity to make a choice as to whether she wants the man and his porn, then he is not being honest in the beginning. This tears down all of the trust that held the bond for a loving relationship. I have lived in this situation for 6 years and have reached the point where I can no longer tolerate his plans for recovery (not actually carried out though). There is one thing Dr. Mark failed to say and that sexual addiction is a gradual process. They start out with the porn and graduate to flesh and after that everyones life is at stake. Sex addicts can progress to sex with strangers, same sex encounters, and children. ALso, an unskilled counselor in the sexual addiction field can sometimes cause this progression to accelerate. Be careful ladies, it is not a pretty picture. I'm living it and I can't get out.

09:07AM EST03/01/99---Posted by anon

Dr.Mark is way off base. Sex is suppsed to be between two people and kept sacred. SAA sould help this guy more than trying to place the burden on his wife.

09:42AM EST03/01/99---Posted by samz

I don't really know too much about the porn thing b/c my fiance isn't really into all that. He did once sugges that we watch a porn movie together and we did, but it REALLY turned me off and he's never suggested it again. What I'd like to say, however, is that if you are with a man who likes the stuff and you really don't and he isn't respecting you enough to at least cut down the amount he watches or change his habits somewhat, you need to leave him. That means he doesn't respect you at all and that's horrible. Why be with a man who doesn't show you he loves and respects you every day?

09:52AM EST03/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

Porn addiction/masterbation, has apparently been a secret my husband has hidden for many years now. We have 4 children and have been together around 17 yrs. For most of this time I thought our sexual problems were ALL ME! Even when he cheated ither physically or emotional flings, I thought it was because I was too tall, fat, not experienced enough, etc.....Only in last year did he tell me about this PROBLEM of HIS. And we are both CHRISTIANS! He has tried to work out this problem with Paster's help and prayers. He falls back into old habits regularly. What this has done to my self-esteem is bad. I most days put on a smily face, deal with the normal day-to-day stuff, and die a little more each day. I been through so much with him, but this is TOO MUCH! Thank GOD I found out other women also have this prob with spouse. Now I know I'm not CRAZY, and will be joining support group. NO MORE do I want to fear test results from yearly HIV<> PORN use is NOT REALITY only damaging and DAMNING!

09:59AM EST03/01/99---Posted by D

Well, I have been at both ends of the spectrum. My EX-husband did NOT watch porn to my knowledge, but he did masturbate quite frequently. One day I caught him, and I thought I was going to be sick. However, we had no sex life because I didn't want to. And the thought of watching porn also made me sick! Now, my boyfriend and I watch it together. Not all the time, but about once or twice a month. And aside from the porn, we have a great sex life. We realize that there is a difference between gratification sex and making love and we both accept it. I don't know if he masturbates, for example, in the shower or wherever, but if he does, that's his business. We do live together and if he was going to porn more than me, you bet I'd be upset! But in order to avoid this catch22 circle, there has to be compromise by BOTH partners! Stress or no stress, a relationship can not survive without honesty and communication!!! Good luck to all!

10:00AM EST03/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

Porn is just dehumanizing and degrading to women.It is on the same level as the KKK or any other hate group. Would it still be ok if what got the man off were pictures of blacks being used or mistreated? It is about control and power. It is about reinforcing and perpetuating false stereotypes as well as saying it's ok to treat someone like a thing. That's why staight men are so homophobic, it's nottwo men having sex, it's one man subjugating another. I bet if the tables were turned and it was the woman "relieving stress" or "having appetizers" the man wouldn't be very thrilled either.

10:29AM EST03/01/99---Posted by !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My husband has been using porn magazines and movies for 5 yrs and had them while we dated as well (3 yrs)I know exactly how this woman feels. My self esteem has slowly been reduced to almost nil. When we first met I was of average size but after 3 yrs of excuses and lack of affection for me, I gained weight. Then the excuses were my fault because I was gaining weight. Sometimes I wonder why I even married him. I have caught him "in the act" a few times and it makes me so angry and very hurt. It is hard to have respect for someone once you've seen that. We argue about it all the time and He is very defensive and sneaky. We might have sex about once a month or so. We have a young child and I don't want to divorce but don't know what else to do. I have lost 10 pounds now (for myself) but am embarrassed to talk to anyone about this problem. I feel better after reading these msgs knowing that I am not alone.

10:31AM EST03/01/99---Posted by lonely

I know I people are not going to like this, but i think the doctor is right. my fiance' sometimes comes home on his lunch hour nad loooks at porn on the internet, and then masturbates. at first, it upset me, then i approached him about it. he told me sometimes when he is having a ad day at work, or begins to feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities of the future, masturbation helps him relieve his stress. i also learned in a psychology class that for men, nasturbation is not always synonymous with sex, and is often an outlet for stress. I guess we as women should just try to understand thta. It is one of the things, as sexes, that can tear us apart. i just accept it, and realize it does not affect our sex life, he still finds me beautiful, and it relieves stress for him, putting him in a better mood when he gets home from work. why should I complain?

10:39AM EST03/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

This one caught my eye! When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he was the first guy I'd ever dated who was addicted to pornography! I didn't realize it until we moved in together. I make a big deal of it, because it's a blow to my self esteem when it gets in the way of our sex life, because once he masturbates he's done. No matter how much I try to turn him on, he can't get it back up for at least a good hour or so, and just knowing that he is giving his time and his erection to the women on t.v. it kills me. I went through everything in his closet and threw out anything he had that was pornographic. I will not live with it and neither will he as long as were living under the same roof. It makes me physically ill to know that he's doing this. He get's mad at me when he can't watch it because I'm in the room and we fight. It's awful and I thought it was to spice up your sex life which it can be exciting once in a great while, but it got to be too much and I saw every positon and every naked body type and now I just find it disgusting. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way I look, there are a ton of men out there who would love to have me, but this one can't see that.

10:51AM EST03/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

I believe that some people who wrote their responses here are a bit prudish, yes you may have a GREAT body and a fullfilling sex life with your partner but sometimes it isn't enough. Are you willing to have sex everytime your mate is? I am a 26 yr old married mother of 1 and pregnant also and I find masturbation VERY satisfying. I do not need anyone else to be "in the mood" and I can pleasure myself when I want to. Not only men use porn to make themselves feel good. Remember that and also remember you can't change someone, and just because they like porn so what that doesn't make the person. I watch porn and my husband doesn't so everyone is different that's what makes us unique!!

11:42AM EST03/01/99---Posted by lori

I think it should be a given that if the man's only having sex with himself and not his wife, there's a problem. But in general, there's nothing wrong with using porn once in a while. I'm in a long distance relationship and I know my boyfriend has playboys and a video or two in his house. What guy doesn't? He's got a few pictures of naked people on his computer, too. I know that because when I'm at his house he pulls some of them up to show me and we laugh at them together! He's never tried to hide those things from me. When we're apart, we BOTH masturbate. We talk about it. I know he's not fantasizing about me EVERY time he masturbates because I don't think about him EVERY time. But he knows I don't want to hear about it if he's fantazising about Pamela Lee or whoever. So he just tells me when he fantasizes about me. The most important thing is that when we're together he's all over me and couldn't care less about any porn.

12:16PM EST03/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

Very Interesting my fiance is into all the porno Stuff.

12:18PM EST03/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

I think, as a woman, that porn is fine. My boyfriend downloads pictures and movies off the net. I don't care, I will watch them with him. I think that masterbation is natural and if anyone wants to do it then its there right. I would suggest that the woman watch the movies or whatever he is looking at with him and masterbate with him or have sex with him. I have read many health files and masterbation is listed as being healthy. If a woman can't do accept that then she should listen to the Dr. That is just my oppinion.

12:40PM EST03/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

If this man truly loves his wife he will be willing to either stop with the porn or at least cut back. I had a problem with my husband with porn the first 6 months we were married. I was completely devistated, I knew before we were married that he watched it and masturbated but I didn't know how often. I felt completely insecure when I realized it was almost every other day. However, our sex life together never decreased once through this. Once I explained to him that I felt extremely insecure and told him how much I loved him he began changing. One month after this very long discussion about our feelings I came home from work and every porn movie and Magazine that was ever in the house was in the trash, and he told me he didn't need this stuff anymore. He still looks at it every once in a while on the net, and I do notice it more when he is under stress. But he doesn't keep it a secret and every once in a while we watch it together. Our sex life is so much better now, as we are more open with our feelings and our fantasies. The most important thing any couple can do in this situation is talk about it. It is a hard thing to talk about and in my case it took my husband a couple of days before he came to me and said he was ready to open up. Just remember to communicate and be open minded Men have a different view on sex then women.

12:44PM EST03/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

If we women at all would givwe more love and sex to the men they would not need it, but most women are far too shy to develope an own sexual wish, if they have men and women must learn to handdle with it. This will need its time to succeed and to accept the others wishes and desires in sexuality.

01:30PM EST03/01/99---Posted by Linda (52 y.o.)

I think that it is pretty normal to look at porn - and personally I dont have a problem with my husband looking at it in fact we engage in it together. She should look at it with him and experiment if she feels her sex life is deteriorating, it can put some spark back into a marriage instead of hurting one. She should try to be a little more open minded about sex and pornography, not all of it is bad. To be honest there are worse things in this world and shared openly, it may be a way to obtain a closer sexual relationship within ones own boundries.

Well I must say I do understand but in a way find out what he likes and what he dislike when it comes to porn. Get involved with him by looking at pictures and find out what really excites him..What really turns him on and you can yourself put into action. Make it a fun situation. Also porn can also be as art to some eyes who do look at. I look at porn all the time but I also look at with my mate as well. I see that he gets turned on by it and I go in for the kill and just take over. Learn to be creative with your mind and thoughts. I'm not saying he's wrong but not all saying he's write. The key factor is "COMMUNICATION". Thats what I do and now I understand my mate better and life is better than ever. I collect porn for stimation but also for the art of it as well. I have such a wonderful and exciting collections of hot and sensual pictures of men and woman. Just take time and learn more about what he likes when it comes to this.

I understand what the doctor is saying. And maybe that is what some men need. For me I have never understood why this world needs porn. My guy doesn't need it. For his birthday a couple years ago, I gave him a subscription to PLAYBOY. He told me thank you but not to waste my money on that trash again. I was shocked. However, I repected him for it. Then he told me something very sweet and he tells me this most every day in some way. He tells me I'm all the woman he needs and the intimacy we have is all he needs. We have been together for almost 3 years. He works in a stressful job and I try to help him relax when he comes home. We love each other and respect each other. It may not work for everyone but it does for us. I judge no one as that is for God to do. Not all men feel that porn is a need in their lives. If they do and it is a problem then try to work it out or get out of the situation. You have a mind use it. And respect youself.

I would dump him. I was married to a guy for 3 years, and he was like that and still is, he told me he quit - what I lie. I found his magaizine's even under the couch. I have been with another guy now for over 7 years & he has no interest in that stuff. But the interesting / SCARY thing is that the guy I was married to did end up getting arrested for sexual misconduct about 4 years after we were divorced. From when I have talked with others about this type of things I am coming up to the conculsion that it is a illness. I tell him it's either his mind games or me! You can do better then that.

03:36PM EST03/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

I am married, and my husband and I are very sexually compatible, and but if there were something that he was doing that bothered me he would quit out of respect for me, and I would do the same thing for him. Maybe you should talk to him about cutting down, or perhaps you should watch with him, and then you would at least have a role in it. The bottom line is if he loves/respects you and it truly makes you feel uncomfortable, he would quit.

03:47PM EST03/01/99---Posted by Me

Dr. Mark has hit on a little spoken of area of burried stress that men spend most of their lives figuring out how to deal with...no one ever talks about the stress of providing a safe home for your family, making enough money to provide for your family or the stigma of failure that is attached with no being able to be the man of the house.

03:50PM EST03/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

Once, when moving households with my live-in (now hubby of 5 years), i found some out-of-date playboys. I felt as if I wasn't sexy enough for him. But it didn't keep me from going back to look at the same magazines he had hidden... it turns me on, too. We have great sex, but not often enough, we both agree. I would love to be able to not work and save it all up for my man when he comes home, as some on this posting can do. But work is stressful for both of us, and while sex is a stress relief, you have to be in a happy place to get going first. No longer an issue...

03:55PM EST03/01/99---Posted by Gonna go to the restroom now : )

is sex addiction a new step in human evolution, or is it merely a new concept that we embrace wholeheartedly, like prozac? My dad watched porn, read erotic books and had sex with my Mom way more than I thought they should have ... my boyfriend has a stack of porno mags and likes to rent porn videos for us to watch ... we both enjoy it. Either I'm a very different woman from the norm because porn and masturbation not only do not bother me, but also are a part of my life ... or, maybe I just didn't fall prey to society's unwritten rules that women should be demure and not use sex as anything beyond showing love or procreating. Either way, I figure as long as my boyfriend still enjoys a good romp with me on a more than occasional basis I have no reason to complain about his porn consumption or his masturbatory adventures. They get to have fun too ya know?

03:57PM EST03/01/99---Posted by a. nony. mous, of course

I don't understand how all these women are putting this man down, when they don't know the situation. Could it be the wife's problem for not being able to let the image on a video tape go? That in itself sounds like it could be a problem. We are contantly talking about men not understanding us, what about taking the time to treat them the way we want to be treated? How is he doing this, a perfectly natural act from which he will not grow hair from his palms, hurt his family? Are they present? Is he acting out on them? If not, let him alone. And get over yourself. Sounds like you need to do more than talk about spiritual healing.

04:43PM EST03/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

I think it depends on teh person but anything that isn't obsessive is probably okay. If it has become a must then I think his wife should tell him that she is very worried and perhaps may need help to put things in its right perspective.

I think that Dr. Mark is correct. I didn't feel that way in the past but I did learned that its an issue that I would carry around and why would it bother me so much? The truth was I was very insecure of myself and felt threaten by those issues (Porns and Masturbation). As I became face to face with those feeling, I realized that I would also fantasize and enjoy watching those occasion soft porns. It would allow me to escape (and we are guilty of that), it does relieve stress and, at the sametime, it creates a better open communication between you and your spouse. The porns and the masturbation will never ruin a marriage... its other issues that ruin and destroy a relationship.

If you feel dirty when your husband looks at porn, then I must recommend counseling for you. Maybe after you come to grips with reality your relationship will improve to the point where he gets less involved with porn. The Doc is correct.

05:48PM EST03/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

Instead of using porn and masterbation to relieve his stress you would prefer that he beat you? Just because you cannot understand the difference between stress-sex and making love doesn't mean HE has a problem. You do. Women have trouble understanding men cause they don't think like them. The same goes for men, they have trouble understanding. Heck if we were the same, it wouldn't be any fun. Right?

05:53PM EST03/01/99---Posted by JB

I have been married three times...and each husband was into porn. I too felt that I wasn't pretty enough, sexy enough, etc. I was constantly feeling hurt and wondering why they couldn't be happy with one woman's body. They all thought I was so beautiful. I've come to the conclusion that you can BE Pamela Lee and your husband/boyfriend would look at porn and go to strip clubs! You can have sex with him every day of the week and he will still have to look at other naked women. Don't blame yourself or how often you make love. My husband was doing it when we were brand new...a time when a woman wouldn't expect a guy to be bored with her or their sex life. Now there are strip clubs everywhere with couch dances, the net, mags. and bachelor parties. Maybe we should just ACCEPT it and find other ways of raising our self esteem other than from the men in our lives. We can't monitor what they're doing every minute of the day. I just wish I could be like the women who can share the porn experience, and not be the one who always wonders why my husband comes home so turned on.

I'm sorry Dr., but that's not always the story. I'm the breadwinner in the family, and when I come home from a 10 hour day and discover my boyfriend has sat at the computer for 4 hours looking at porn, I'm a little upset. Stressed? Stressed my ass. He works under 10 hours a week and surfs most the time. He looks at porn because he likes to look at naked bodies. It's not the masturbation that bothers me, it's the non-stop drooling on my keyboard. Looking a little every once in a while is OK, but looking for hours every day is not healthy. We now have a rule in the house -- NO PORN ALLOWED.

My husband & I look at the porn, but what makes me REALLY upset we don't have sex that often. He was a VERY nice looking hussie on the side who is an ex dancer and they do their thing. No, I do not like it. I love him we've been married for two years but have known each other for 30 years. We were lovers 29 years ago for 3.5 years. But, guess what, he was married then. His previous wife is deceased. I married some one else and that ended in divore. My husband keeps saying we're going to make it, but you know, I don't know if I want to. I'm 50, he's 54. I getting awfully tired of his Sh--.

The problem is that the "just looking" often turns into an obsession which leads to other forms of sexual acting-out. Not necessarily with the loving wife or girlfriend. After having bought a home together and making a significant life change, I found out that his "looking" lead to calling the girls. He just wanted to "hear their voice". Later, I discovered that he was addicted to prostitutes as well. Of course, I've been told (by he and his sex addiction councelor) that this has nothing to do with me. It's his way of dealing with anxiety. Discovering such an awful thing is devestating. I went through and continue to go through an emotional hell. What does the good doctor suggest for all us suffering women that have had their lives turned upside down and made to feel inadequate? Should we all turn to porn and masterbation to deal with the stress as well, or perhaps pop a "happy pill" so that we can chill and understand the problem? Yes, my other boyfriend "Bob" (Battery Operated Boyfriend) comes in handing once in a while, but a warm, loving body would be better.

08:09PM EST03/01/99---Posted by Martha

I am sick and tired of my boyfriend coming home from work at 2am and staying up until 6 or 7am looking at these porn sites. Natural or not enough is enough. There is no reason any man needs to sit up for 4 or 5 hours a night looking at this trash. i personally am completely discusted with the whole situation. talking doesnt help either. they just get defensive.

08:14PM EST03/01/99---Posted by mez

To the women who think their husband's interest in porn reflects badly on them: please find a good book on the evolutionary roots of human behaviour and read it. Try to understand the way your partner thinks before you condemn him. It's the height of foolishness to demand intimacy from him and condemn his innate need for sexual variety. The good Dr hit the nail on the head by saying porn probably saved more marriages than it ruined. Women who are completely intolerant of men's sexuality (as some of the posters here clearly are) are doomed to be unhappy in their relationships. The only exception I would make is an excessive consumption of porn, which is probably indicative of a problem in the relationship. Your average man likes to watch the occasional x-rated video but he shouldn't be using it as a substitute for sex with you.

08:26PM EST03/01/99---Posted by bilby

I have to agree with Dr. Mike. Many people can shrug it off and say "stress my ass," but men are not open with their feelings the way women are. The important thing is to talk to your mate and let them know that it bothers you, maybe them a compromise can be reached.

09:27PM EST03/01/99---Posted by sms

Excessive porn and masturbation can and often does lead to sexual abuse in some form.This comes from experiance. I am sexual offender. And I have been through counciling an most about 90% are addicted to sex. And the addiction builds like a snow ball rollig down a hill. What gives you pleasure today doesn't tomorrow. All you women with young girls watch the men who do this very carefully. most never expect it and are caught by supprise. Porn and masturbation are not healthy.

10:09PM EST03/01/99---Posted by sexual offender

i think if the wife would give out more and not act like it is something she has to do or does not want to do he would not have to look at that. i know as i am in that situation now, and i can say i am tired of porn and cyber sex . i would give anything to have a good sex life with my wife but she had some bad surgery's and alot of pain - but my god its been along long time 15 or more years . it's a wonder we are still together ,but yes i do hate sneaking around masturbating

11:01PM EST03/01/99---Posted by llefty

Would you people please hit the REFRESH button on your browser after you post so we don't to read your post over and over and...duh!

11:51PM EST03/01/99---Posted by Dank

Typical wife thinks she owns everything and won't let the poor guy have any fun. Not everything in marriage is common property. As long as he doesn't leave mags around the house, he's ok.

01:55AM EST03/02/99---Posted by goatracemitch

I think you ladies should stop thinking that his problem is your fault! It doesn't matter if you have sex everyday, men are still going to look at porn. I agree with "Stress my Ass". Men are men and they just like to look at it. I have tried to talk to my husband about the magazines, but he doesn't give me a reason as to WHY he has to look at them. I am attractive, but this always hits my self esteem and hurts me. Amd I have tried to explain this to him. Who knows what to do!!! This has been going on for centuries!! Just stop beatting yourself up about this because it isn't YOUR FAULT, and it won't matter what you do he is still going to look at them.

07:48AM EST03/02/99---Posted by Anonymous

Perhaps the man would better understand the woman's perspective if the tables were turned.Openly leer at other men in his precence.Partake of nude men,gay porn and bodybuilder mags as well as several imposing dildos.Turn to these in preference even when he's willing to have sex.Perhaps if he gets what he gives he'll better understand where she's coming from.

11:06AM EST03/02/99---Posted by What's good for the goose...

THERE WAS A TIME I USED TO WATCH X-RATED MOVIES WITH MY X-HUSBAND AND WE BOTH ENJOYED IT. IT WASN'T UNTIL OUR MARRIAGE WENT SOUR AND WE SPLIT UP THAT I REALIZED TO WHAT EXTENT HE WAS ADDICTED. WHILE PACKING I PACKED WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A PRONO MOVIE WE USED TO WATCH TOGETHER, WHICH STAYED PACKED AWAY FOR MONTHS. IT WASN'T UNTIL I WAS IN A SERIOUS SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER MAN THAT I DISCOVERED MY X'S ADDICTION. WE WERE WATCHING TV AND TALKED ABOUT WATCHING PRONOS TOGETHER WHEN I WENT TO FIND THE ONE I HAD. UPON PLAYING THIS VIDEO I DISCOVERED THAT IT WAS MY X-HUSBAND AND MYSELF. NEEDLESS TO SAY I FELT BETRAYED NOT TO MENTION EMBARRASSED. THAT IS ALSO THE LAST TIME I HAVE EVER WATCH A PRONO.

12:46PM EST03/02/99---Posted by Anonymous

Well, it's has to do something with stress... And if your woman is not taking care of you - you end up searching the net or the bars for young and pretty girls. And they'll be more submissive and "cooperative" than your wife. With Internet pictures you don't even bother to go out... Beatiful... And is it only men's fault?

12:51PM EST03/02/99---Posted by macho

The women need to stop blaming themselves for the way the men behave!!! If this is such "normal" behavior then why do the men sneak around and hide the porn magazines? They are the ones with the problem, not you ladies.

01:55PM EST03/02/99---Posted by Anonymous

Someone once wrote (I'm sorry I don't remember who) that: "Pornography tells us that this is what women look like, this is what women want and this is how women deserve to be treated."

02:12PM EST03/02/99---Posted by Anonymous

I am female and mostly agree with the answer given. If it is truly an addiction, that needs to be addressed. But occasional porn with each other is great and exciting.You learn things together.I have no problem with masterbation. I and my partner love to watch each other. This pleases him and me and keeps us satisfied. Complete openess and honesty about sex,love,turn ons,fantasy's, ect. is what will keep you and your partner happy and satisfied.And please, if your daughter grows up to be a porn star that is not something she will learn now or get from her genes. It will be because she is very sure of herself, has great self confidence, and self esteem. If she does choose this,it will be her choice.

03:12PM EST03/02/99---Posted by Anonymous

A man must have come up with the "stress reliever" bit. "Stress my ass" is more like it. OK, I can understand an "occasional" bout in the shower. I've done that too. BUT: after months of "I can't sleep, I'll go 'work' on the computer", at 3am? my gut told me this had to be confronted. My husband is very loving, good father, provider, new christian, but when leaving our bed after a late night lovemaking (I thought quite satisfying)and visiting the computer, I walked in on "the act", masturbating to internet porn. My whole body trembled with emotional hurt, I was tasting bitter betrayal, and the worst was a the immediate loss of respect for my idolized mate. He too was a bit humbled and we are currently working it out after a long tearfilled discussion. It's a conscious daily decision to love, forgive, and wipe away that ugly "dirty old man" picture that burns in my mind. If men would just think about the tables being turned. How would they feel if I were on the computer getting off, leaving T-shirts around the room with love-juice crusted on them, or a few "toys" under the pillow for them to find. Come on, it's too easy to turn off your conscience to porn. "Think on those things that are clean, pure..." Respect and quality time - not porn and masturbation.

03:53PM EST03/02/99---Posted by Anonymous

What??? I'm offended by Dr. Mark. First, because women's stress is also often (and nicely) relieved from an orgasm. Yet somehow, we don't need to rely on pornography for stress relief. If my husband were addicted to porn, I certinaly would never tell him I sympathized with his 'man' stress. And the objectification of women (or anyone) is NOT an appropriate outlet for anyone's stress. What kind of example is being set for this man's daughter? 'Yes, sweetie, Daddy thinks women should sometimes be looked at as purely sexual objects.' As for men crying in the shower, well, wake up and smell the 21st century! If you're married and can't share your fears and anxieties with your life partner, get yourself into counseling. As for the answer to this column's question, If you feel it's cheating, IT IS. That's all the answer you need. If other women tolerate it, that's their business. But you can make a choice as to what kind of role model YOU want to be for your daughter. I'd never raise my daughter to tolerate a porn addict in the home.

04:02PM EST03/02/99---Posted by Katherine

I, as a man agree with the doctor. Before I got married I got rid of all my porno. Many of you use the term "Sexual Addiction", who coined this phase. Viewing adult material doesn't make you a obsessed with it. If that were the case I wouldn't have been able a get rid of collection that spanned 15 years. I thought nothing of it. Little did I know I would be reduced to having sex twice a month, if I'm lucky. My wife has no sex drive the "STRESS" from her from job robs us of a sex life. I know its not me, I've discovered the secret's of male multiorgasm I can literally make love a long as I like. My equipment if fine I'm 8 ¼ inches long and 6 ½ thick. And she tells me I'm the best lover she's ever had, and I most some credit to "The Hite report on human sexuality", "The G-spot", "The Karma Sutra" and Porn. But I'm force to masturbate, I much prefer too watch a nameless woman on the screen, then think of my past lovers or worst find a new lover to fill the void. I'm just discovering how selfish women really are. I enjoy to making love until I explode into ecstasy, my wife make love like a man no foreplay 10 minutes and done. I understand she is still following the sexual pattern of her past lovers. My patience is running thin but I still try to support her and create an oasis in our home. From what I see here is an angry lynch mob, most (not all) of you women who has castrated your men, and you wonder why they much rather masturbate then be with you. I think even the most jaded of you will agree it is easier for men to achieve orgasm then women. Sometimes we don't want the added pressure of trying to satisfy her and yes sometimes we just want the release. And believe it or not we don't want to "USE" our wives. YOU DON'T ALLOW PORN IN YOU HOUSE, is he your child or LIFE PARTNER. In this hypocritical society we live your homes should an oasis from all the pressures of life, a place were the TWO of you can explore and grow as a couple and not worry about being judged. This society of Double Standards, sex happens to be an area of MANY of them. Just because you grew up with a believe doesn't make it true, just or right. Remember for hundreds of years people believe the earth was flat and they were just as correct as many of you with your Medieval ideas of sex. Change yourself and question what you believe to true.

04:47PM EST03/02/99---Posted by Anonymous

My husband claims to be "addicted" to porn. He makes 'those' calls (hot girls....or whatever) and he rents videos on a regulary basis. He's cheated several times. He, like other men, claims that nothing means more to him than his marriage. So why does he do it? It hurts me real bad.

06:44PM EST03/02/99---Posted by Anonymous

I cannot believe grown people are having these conversations! Lighten Up! Just what is so terrible about sex and pornography? Don't any of you women masturbate? I certainly do, anytime the urge strikes me, and enjoy it tremendously. American women have been force-fed some sort of fantasy-June Cleaver-idealism that is way out of sync with our realities today. Didn't you learn anything from those of us who marched for your equal rights? Let your men masturbate, better yet - watch them and join them. Maybe you'll be able to rid yourselves of tabus and learn to enjoy sex, in all its forms, including pornography. You know there are "those" books and magazines for women too. Buy some!

each one of us has his own fantasies, appearantly he can not share them with her. he' s trying to get what they can' t have together. I think if she tries to get their sexual life better he will gradualy stop this habit. Telling her daughter?? what the hell does she have to do with it?? Does she go to her daughter and tell her details about her sexual life together, like having oral sex... IT IS PRIVATE If she is just thinking of it, well I think the problem comes from her. May be she should consult a physician

06:01AM EST03/03/99---Posted by Anonymous

if you feel sick while having sex with him like you just said, and keep pushing on that problem, naturally he' ll go elsewhere for understanding!

06:07AM EST03/03/99---Posted by Anonymous

I feel that if you both can enjoy porno with each other then it will help the marriage.

12:52PM EST03/03/99---Posted by Anonymous

whats wrong with masturbating?I have a higher sex drive than my wife.so instead of cheating I masturbate and yes sometimes I watch porno movies even with my wife.My wifes sex drive is getting better with age after all she did raise three kids and two dogs and oh yes me to.we have been together for 23 years and I hope its another 30 years.I masturbate less now,but it use to be every day.My wife also masturbates once in a while its a great stress release even for women.my wife thought it was strange at first because of her upbringing.Now she knows different.So lighten up ladys.If your partner is not hurting anyone or its not getting in the way of your relationship leave it go.They could go elsewhere and that would be a no no.Oh yea try masturbating together its great.

12:59PM EST03/03/99---Posted by anonymous

masturbation is natural me and my partner enjoy doing it alone and together.

06:39PM EST03/03/99---Posted by Anonymous

I recently caught my Husband viewing porn on the enter net.I was really hurt.To me it feels like betrayal.He claims to love me with all of his heart,and he is a very good husband and father,so I really don't get this.He is a Christian and this bothers him too.He knows its wrong but says no matter how hard he tries to stay away he keeps finding himself doing it. I am opened minded,I am very uninhibited,I love acting out fantasies,I enjoy masterbating with or without him.I don't need him to achieve orgasm.{ I do prefer that he is envolved} I want to be there to relieve stress for him .I think it's nice,even if I'm not in the mood,sex is always good. I don't know how I could be any more accommodating,but still it's not enough. (I should have stayed Lesbian.)

10:30PM EST03/03/99---Posted by S.

I recently caught my Husband viewing porn on the enter net.I was really hurt.To me it feels like betrayal.He claims to love me with all of his heart,and he is a very good husband and father,so I really don't get this.He is a Christian and this bothers him too.He knows its wrong but says no matter how hard he tries to stay away he keeps finding himself doing it. I am opened minded,I am very uninhibited,I love acting out fantasies,I enjoy masterbating with or without him.I don't need him to achieve orgasm.{ I do prefer that he is envolved} I want to be there to relieve stress for him .I think it's nice,even if I'm not in the mood,sex is always good. I don't know how I could be any more accommodating,but still it's not enough. (I should have stayed Lesbian.)

10:32PM EST03/03/99---Posted by S.

I think porno is should be banned from the internet. It's caused to many problems between couples and their families. Us women have to stick together and get rid of this crap some how. Men should only look at the women they love nude...NOT OTHERS !!!!!!!!!!!

07:13AM EST03/04/99---Posted by G

He say's I'm the drive of his sexual desire !! BUT porno is the drive of his imagination..Boy the imagination he has is great.

07:30AM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

I feel that there is a place for pornography, and it can be a very sensual part of a couples lovemaking. The doctors answer does make lots of sense. However, a lot of this so called pornography is not what would be considered very sensual by lots of people, and can hurt a couple. Take a look at some of the sites here on the internet - charging a large monthly fee for access. I feel that if a person - MAN or WOMAN - is going to spend this kind of money on a regular basis on the opposite sex for sexual gratification, it's considered cheating. Especially if the significant other has shown an opposition to it.

08:31AM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

i don't have a problem with my men viewing pornography.i understand the difference between men and women. i understand the whole "stress relief thing." i do have a problem with this "online crap" since quite often these late night "chats" turn out to be the real thing.

09:09AM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

Sex on the Screen offers little for me, sorry. I hate the thought of my husband using porn, besides the fact that I have 2 teen-aged sons. I would definitely prefer that they not have access to any of this; but the reality is, it is out there and access to it is all to easy. However, I try to keep my eyes and ears open. I am by no means a "prude," but I would much rather my sons grew up respecting women, than seeing them used as sex objects.

09:18AM EST03/04/99---Posted by anon.

I agree with G. But I don't think porn will ever be banned from the internet even though I really wish it would happen. Free speech and all. But on the same hand have the right to speak out against it! And of course...there is the Net Nanny...even though it blocks everything with the word sex in it...I'm sure that eventually there will be a better version for us to use....until then we have to speak up. The reason I feel this way is because I feel that internet porn does cause a lot of problems for couples. I know from experience as an ex aoler (this service attracts perverts). My mates online viewing turned into 3am chats with local girls who sent him nude pictures and offered to set up "sexy encounters" with him. At least that's what the chat logs that I installed told me. Now, our relationship is is serious danger of ending. All over the internet. How sad.

09:21AM EST03/04/99---Posted by S

The interent is full of smut. It seems like there is more porn on here then good quality sites like ivillage. I hope this will change someday.

09:25AM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

first off i am always impressed by the ton of porno on the net, in the video store, and on the newstand. somebody is buying a ton on this stuff. my husband masterbates a lot, im not offended. my sex life is not affected . hes happy, and it all works out fine here. i am concerned about the youth of the models and i find my husbands videos sometimes spin to the next level of sexual actions that i find offensive (boundage and stuff like that ) and i have to tell him i find that offensive. 15 years ago i found some pornography very exciting but its all just sex now.

I know my husband does it sometimes when I'm a work. So what. Maybe that's what makes him a very giving lover. My pleasure turns him on. I'm not really into watching porn and he's never asked me to. Maybe some day I will suggest it. Once in awhile couples need to have sex, not just make love to keep things exciting. About the daughter, just keep it all out of reach. It's not her business. It's a husband and wife thing. Children don't need to be involved in every part of your life. What if her daughter walked in on them having sex? Parents are people to. I think he should do a little less porn and she should do a little less obsessing.

09:58AM EST03/04/99---Posted by Red

Yeah, I use porn. My wife and I also share a great sex life. Her preferred frequency just happens to be about 3 times a week (except on vacations)- mine happens to be about twice that. Do I turn my libido off and go around grumpy and resentful, or do I pester her for more time? I'm certainly not going looking outside, so occasional visual aids are valuable to our compatibility.

10:34AM EST03/04/99---Posted by anonymous

My husband gets Playboy, and I don't have a problem with that. Infact I read the articles and he looks at the pictures. When we first got our computer 2 years ago, the only reason he got on it was to look at porno. We got into it and I asked him not to do it. I am sorry but I didn't spend 2500 dollars on a sex toy. Well he still did it and tried to erase his tracks, but wasn't very good at it. I wasn't banning porno from the house, I just think a line needs to be drawn. I do not understand how someone can spend hours infront of the computer just staring at naked girls. Don't all the body parts blur together after awhile? I know my husband uses his magazines to de-stress himself quite often. But I recently had a baby and am not in the mood. My problem is he does nothing to get me in the mood. "Will you blow me?" and "We haven't had sex since Tuesday" are not very seductive. After labor and breastfeeding, the last thing I want to feel like is a warm body, I do want to feel desirable. LAst week I went out of town for 4 days. I casually said if he wanted to surf the porn-net he could. So he did, and that is all he did. NOt a dish was washed, not an even minor chore done. There is nothing wrong with porn to a point, but when someone is looking at porn instead of doing what needs to be done there is a problem. IF the husband is that stressed out he needs to be communicating with his wife.

10:42AM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

The doctor's response didn't even address the wife's description of the problem as an addiction. He also seemed to have little respect for the marital bond,ignoring the sanctity and exclusivity of a marriage, as opposed to a casual sexual relationship.Habitual use of porn in a marriage (or outside of one for that matter),is a PROBLEM! The wife's feelings are typical and normal, and if her husband cares about her, his feelings would be the same, if the shoe was on the other foot. Porn is destructive and corrosive to the marital relationship,period. My own experience as a porn addict bears this out, as does all the thoughtful material I have read on the matter. A husband's sexual attention and energy should be focused exclusively on his wife,and she should be able to be secure in knowing that this is so. As for wives,they have an obligation to their husbands,which all too often is ignored. For my own sexual and spiritual health,I stopped using porn before I started dating my wife.I started using it again when we stopped having a sex life, for all intents and purposes. So I can point to very real frustration and devastating emotional hurt, but it doesn't mean I don't have my own problem. The fact that I use material that portrays women in a way that I would never want my wife,daughter,sister,or friend to be seen,stinks. Unfortunately, the rule of thumb for more than half the men I know is, if you're married,you're having little or no sex. This seems to be rooted in a lack of respect, communication, and a sense of duty on the part of many wives. If they actually want sexual attention from their husbands,they should try acting and looking like it. If they don't want sex, they should have sex anyway, because that's part of the deal. Marriage is many things, but the most basic thing it is,is a license to have sex.If you're not having sex, what makes you a couple? Many men who use prostitutes are more lonely than horny. The same is true of many porn users, who aren't willing to actually have sex with someone else but are lonely in their marriages. My observation is that many men (myself included) can't be honest and open with their wives without being rejected or criticized. You can't have intimacy if you spurn it. For my wife's part, she has an additional,more basic problem. She habitually used pornography and masturbation from the age of 9,which distorted her whole view of sex.When she got older she acted out the garbage she was reading,and caused herself a great deal of harm over many years. We are now in our forties,and we're still suffering the consequences of porn addiction.(Parents Beware!). In spite of widespread efforts to ignore reality, some things are bad,period. Porn is one of them.

10:45AM EST03/04/99---Posted by Robert

Pornography is something males in our society have grown up being told is not something for "little boys". As soon as you tell guys this, they want it. They learn that this is something all guys do and they derive pleasure from it. I agree with the doctor. Many females, however, also have sex just for sex's sake...you don't see many of them with stacks of porn. How does he justify this? Also, throughout his article, Dr. Mark talks about how the woman should just understand that this is fairly "normal" and nowhere does he address the uncomfort many women feel, like the original author of the letter, of having their partner viewing this material. Why should the woman simply "understand" that this is a way to vent frustrastion....the man should also take some of the responsibility and try to understand the uncomfort of his partner. This does not have to be a major problem in a relationship but....it requires understanding and compromise on BOTH sides...not one like Dr. Mark described

I think the acception of porn by society is a sad indication of how badly our morals and behavior have plummeted. Pornography is degrading, whether it be of women or men. It creates the idea of that person being an object, not an individual. It's unfortunate that so many of us have been brainwashed by society into believing that this level of immorality is acceptable. Lastly, the idea that stress is a reasonable excuse for a man to use pornography is ludicrous. We all suffer the demands of others and our busy lives. Stress can be better relieved by exercise, meditation, reading a book....There are plenty of alternatives to masturbation! Give me a break with that!

Woman are turned on by words, men by pictures. Pornography is a perfectly harmless tool if it is in the hands of a grownup or someone who knows what they are doing. However, some people have addictive natures...some people are prone to be addicts to just about anything pornography included.

11:19AM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

OK, here's the deal. What's wrong with a man viewing porn to masturbate? It's second nature to them. They're first orgasm was probably from either watching porn or looking at pictures of it. If you can't beat him, join him. You could give him a hand job yourself. It'll be erotic to him and you might enjoy it as well. Afterall, isn't it all about satisfying your partner? I understand that you have a baby in the house, but that shouldn't take the energy away from you being interactive. She does sleep, right? Also, I think that you should be thankful that he's doing himself and not some other woman. Maybe it's not stress. Maybe he's just horny and knows that you don't want to do it all the time. His sex drive may have increased or maybe yours have decreased. And by the way, if you're in love with your husband and enjoy making love to him, then you shouldn't be thinking about other women while you're suppose to making love to HIM. Unless,..... you are slightly attracted to women and are in denial because you are married and have a child. Try thinking about him for a change. I bet he's thinking about you wile he's watching his porn. He's probably thinking about when you used to do all kinds of sexy things for him...that's what gets him excited. YOU! Not those sleezy skinny nasty women. Remember when you used to get all sexed up for him and make him feel really erotic just by seeing you? I bet he misses that. And what about you? what do you miss?

I use to let my husband watch porno, I am a expat living in asia. While I was back in the states having his baby. He would watch porno. Thats what he told me. But in reality sometimes is a negative solution to a mans problem. Since, he watch porn to much while I was a way. He committed adultery because he happen to gotten horny watching porn. He got a prostitute here in asia to do. So eventhough your husband can say he love you and that atleast his watching the porno instead of being in the bars and committing adultery. Well porno now for my opinion leads to adultery.

12:51PM EST03/04/99---Posted by anoymous

I think Tolerance is a good point. Although You may not like porn obviously Men DO! Porn can be just as addictive to men as romance novels are to women. They fill a need whether it me emotional or physical. Also remember that the sex drive is ... well driven by testosrone(sp?) which our hubbies, boyfriends and every other male in the world has lots of. Researchers have found that males DO NOT change their masturbatory habits upon getting married or establishing a relationship. More than likely he is masdturbating in order not to bother you with his own "selfish needs." In the end ladies lets all remember you it is O.K., Let him enjoy a porn mag while he rubs one out, or search for some on the net; it appears to me a quintessential part of being male.. Something we will never really understand.

12:51PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

I think Tolerance is a good point. Although You may not like porn obviously Men DO! Porn can be just as addictive to men as romance novels are to women. They fill a need whether it me emotional or physical. Also remember that the sex drive is ... well driven by testosrone(sp?) which our hubbies, boyfriends and every other male in the world has lots of. Researchers have found that males DO NOT change their masturbatory habits upon getting married or establishing a relationship. More than likely he is masdturbating in order not to bother you with his own "selfish needs." In the end ladies lets all remember you it is O.K., Let him enjoy a porn mag while he rubs one out, or search for some on the net; it appears to me a quintessential part of being male.. Something we will never really understand.

12:51PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

My opinion is: My ex boyfriend is into women online, some invite him to talk dirty to them etc. I could not share my life anymore with him. He knows it is wrong and is suppose to be a Christian, I told him I could not live like that anymore. I thought I had a depression problem, even went to the doctor and took pills etc. After two months I realized I still had the problem and It was him and his women. I saw letters he wrote sending his love to women hugs and kisses. The Bible says if you think it, you have done it. So that is exactly the way I felt, like I had caught him in some cheat motel. So the women online that invite men to do this also have a problem. Well I am very sorry for these people that they turn to this. What they don't know is God invented Sex and that are abusing that. Don't get me wrong. I was a dancer for 7 years so I have been alot of places in my life,, but to be with a man that thinks people he as never met and have husbands, that they need him has a real big problem. God help us all.

Men who watch porn by themselves are actually turned on by the big penises, not the women. It is all part of experiencing fantasies in the privacy of one's home that are usually viewed as socially unacceptable.

01:08PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Mary

Men who watch porn by themselves are actually turned on by the big penises, not the women. It is all part of experiencing fantasies in the privacy of one's home that are usually viewed as socially unacceptable.

01:09PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Mary

My boyfriend had a collection of porn which I believe cut down on the regularity of our intimacy. I told him that I felt that "it" was the enemy and I wasn't getting sex as often as I used to. He threw everthing away. Things are much better.

01:39PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

I have been married 8 years, and my husband has struggled with pornography addiction the entire time. I am still with him, still not giving in and still fighting the cost of self-esteem. We have very open communications about the problem, and the fact that he may struggle with it for his life-time. One of the reasons we both feel it is wrong is the fact that it stimulates beyond that which is 'normal'. It is unnatural to be aroused to the point of never experiencing the equivalent in real life. It is also a problem that grows and feeds on itself, needing more to get you excited and moving from soft-porn to hard-porn in a very short while. This is a definate sign that it is addictive and numbing, in the sense that it numbs your heart, mind and conscience. It takes away from the relationship whether or not the spouse is an addict if the one spouse finds it degrading. On to the subject of degrading, many people, men and women, find it degrading to women specifically. I find it degrading to the entire human race. It makes me feel bad, real bad, and that's enough for me. I do not need to explain myself to all the hardened consciences out there, I know in my heart that pornography has an extreme dark-side. My heart tells me what is right and wrong, and if I ignore it, the ability to perceive this will be lost. My husband would add another thought to consider. The advent of moving pictures and photographs is fairly new. Once upon a time, you would not have these images to ogle at, for as long as you want, as often as you want, and with no consequences. I will add that our marriage bed has been very active from the beginning. I am very open to pleasing my husband, so to those who blame 'frigid' or conservative wives, watch yoursleves. I have never said "not tonight honey" and have always been available to him. This has nothing to do with the pornography issue at hand. If you're uncomfortable with pornography, obey your conscience. In this day, we are asked to let every diabolical adulteration go by, and then we're encouraged to embrace it. I say no, we are to hold ourselves responsible and liable for the deteriation of families and relationships for our audacity.

02:25PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

I think that Dr. Mark's statement that for men an orgasm is a great stress reliever and for women talking about it is a huge load of bullshit that is maintaining false stereoptypes. I know for me (as a woman) an orgasm does help relieve stress and can help me go to sleep. This is all an aside point. I think the more important issue in this letter is the timing. The daughter is just turning eight, which marks the beginning of her understanding of human nature. The wife is probably afraid she will find out. I am supposing that she dealt quietly with the porn for 8 years or more. As for Dr. Mark saying that her husband is using pornography to avoid using his wife as a thing may be a valid reason, but I suspect that it is more hurtful to be excluded from an activity or function and get replaced by a photograph. Everybody wants to be desirable, and wife or not it's flattering to think that your husband would be wanking off to an image of you. How they should proceed going forward will also depend upon the level of pornography. If it is the severely degrading type, that might be a problem. Otherwise, the main issue is communication and not being accusatory in tone when speaking to him. Also, she may benefit from talking over her own sexual fantasies and realizing there may be some that don't include him.

02:33PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

My opinion is that men are visually stimulated animals and I wouldn't let it bother you, especially if your sex llife is not hampered. My husband looks at the stuff, & it does bother me alittle, but hey what casn you do? As far as you daughter goes she's way to young to woory about it.

02:52PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Kristy

My opinion is that men are visually stimulated animals and I wouldn't let it bother you, especially if your sex llife is not hampered. My husband looks at the stuff, & it does bother me alittle, but hey what casn you do? As far as you daughter goes she's way to young to woory about it.

02:53PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Kristy

"For women, verbally venting their frustration is a great stress reliever?" What a sterotypical, chauvanistic crock of bull! I will not even go into how many other things are wrong with 'Dr.' Mark's answer. There are too many to name!

03:12PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

I am in sort of the same situation as 4spirit. My husband enjoys his porn, and swears that it doesn't compare to me. However, I feel that it does. In January, I found him looking at his damn pictures immediately after we had sex. Since that day, I have not had sex with him. That made me feel as if I wasn't good enough for him. After all, I most certainly don't look like those women in his pictures. That's all I have to say about the subject. I was beginning to think that maybe I was alone in this situation.

03:18PM EST03/04/99---Posted by heartbroken

How does one become a Sex Addict? It sounds to me like she has some serious self esteem problems!! There is nothing wrong with a man or woman looking at porno mags, videos, or porn over the net. I subscribe to Penthouse and Palyboy for my husband as well as myself. It has opened our level of communication about sex greatly. I was raised in a home where sex was deemed a "sin" and was never discussed. Now we are able to discuss our feelings and able to enjoy each other completely. Leave the poor guy alone - can you honestly say you have NEVER pleased YOURSELF?

03:31PM EST03/04/99---Posted by jcslady

I have been married 10 years and my husband too looks at porn on the internet. I found out about a year ago and was very hurt and upset about it. I thought I was enough for him sexually and now am trying to live with the fact that I am not. We have a 2yr old daughter and I believe it is important for a child to have a father so I will stay here. He says he loves me and that I am very attractive to him and that the porn has nothing to do with me but I can't help thinking if I was better he would not have the desire to look. Now we have a deal that he can only look if we look together. He gets girls and some guys for me. I act like it really makes me hot even though it does not and he seems to like it. I am trying to do things that I see in the pictures and have even posed for him nude so he could have pictures of me. I thought that that having pictures of me or thinking I was getting turned on by other men would make him stop but it did not. I am 5'2only weigh 105 and am in good shape. I have been working like crazy to make sure my body is back to normal after giving birth but do have a lot of stretch marks which I am very self-conscious about. I can't understand how if you love someone you would want to see others. I also have a self-esteem poblem when I see these young women with tight firm stomachs and rears with no stretch marks. It makes me feel inadequate as a woman and the fact that they turn him on only makes it worse. I would have sex with him daily and have a pretty strong sex drive. I will pose for him and am willing to try new things that only involve the two of us. I just don't and don't think I ever will understand. I guess I will just have to live with it and the pain it causes me since I love him.

03:49PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Hurt

This "doctor" says "Many husbands feel guilty about having sex just for sex's sake with their wives, because they feel like they are using her as a thing (as opposed to making love to the person they care about). So instead of using their wives as things, many men use pornography and masturbation." This is a joke!! This presumes the male to be chivalrous and only concerned about his wife. This perpetrated lie ignores the fact that any male who uses pornography is simply and plainly selfish, totally unresponsive to the woman's feelings. I would bet that this supposed doctor says the garbage he says just to justify his own use of pornography. And I am not afraid to sign my own name.

I have been reading through every single response and just go back and look at how many times the problem is just shifted back to us - women... Porn is degrading, if we don't like it we are anything from prudish to inadequate to the point that we don't satisfy our mates. Simple fact is this. If you can get by with a screen/book/TV and your hand, you really don't need me to pick up after you and clean after you too. I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!! Now, let's all pray together that the women who actually pose in these pictures/movies/sights would by some miracle get a brain and stop feeding this oh so sick market. Call me prudish, call me whatever you like. The Lord is not happy with this, why should I be? Dr. Mark, you need a real life.

Perhaps men do need porn like I need conversation. But if this is true, than I'd rather leave behind the pornography-addicted man and spend the rest of my life chatting with good (and, from Dr. Mark's commentary, predominantly female) companions. I'm tired of being told that "boys will be boys." I don't want to compromise any more.

04:53PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

I would caution people to refrain from even BEGINNING to make assumptions about 'men' and how pornography does or does not play a role in their lives.I think their might be many many reasons why people need or feel they need , pornography. I challenge someone to even define pornography satisfactorily. Is the Victoria's Secret catalogue pornographic?? Or is what you DO in yuor mind with the image..pornographic?? For me , born in the Uk with absolutely NO sexual education at ALL and an absolute HORRIBLE teen life (in fact all through my twenties too) where my hormones were absolutely SOARING and I could NOT for many reasons make ANY connections with girls (thought I did have some outlet with another boy for a while)...for me..pornography would have been a blessing for both myself and the girls I drooled over. As it was I masturbated myself into a frenzy on a regular basis and felt terribly guilty about it. I came to terms with all this finally.some therapy (allowing me to love myself) and the help of.a great book called "Sex For One" helped a lot..allowed me to enjoy my wonderful body when I had no partner to make love to. The Internet was a blessing because I was able to indulge all my previous sublimated curiosities and look at what all this prornography was about (I rapidly lost interest in it which is ,perhaps , an indication that my imagination is quite rife enough without explicit graphics. relaxing and feeling good about my body has helped me really enjoy masturbating when i want to. The thought that masturbation be relegated to STRESS reduction is a sad one...'expressing' one's sexual urges are one thing...cranking my body to blow off steam is just not in the same league.

The problem isn't pornography and whether or not the husband needs it,in this scenario. The problem is that he is deeply hurting his wife and any attempt to justify that is wrong. Her pain is very real and any attempt to justify this behavior just compounds that pain. She does need to understand the stress in her partners life, we all do. It sounds to me that this is causing more stress in this relationship that it could ever be relieving. Does the husband understand the depth of the pain? If he did/does, can he continue to put his "need" above this. Just voicing displeasure about this habit and expecting him to realize the damage he is doing to the relationship is not enough. He has to understand that to his wife this is a serious betrayal that is constantly eroding the foundation of their relationship. She will either learn to live with it but be unhappy or eventually break away in order to nurture and save her feelings of self worth, her feelings that her husband really does love and wants to protect and do what is best for her and her daughters.

06:40PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Camra

The fella could go to counseling to understand why he thinks having free none uninhibited sex is making a thing verses a human being out of his wife. Women after all enjoy free non uninhibited sex as well.

07:02PM EST03/04/99---Posted by D.E.

Here's a secret for you - this is something your husband would love to SHARE with you. I refrain from this stuff because my wife wants me to refrain from it. That's a drag - it creates some resentment. But I can handle it. But if we could share it, wow! I know, you're thinking it's not your cup of tea. That's a shame, because if you could share this, it would certainly bring you closer together. Those of you who are not of the "porn-is-sinful-period" ilk might want to ask yourselves, "Is there anything really inherently wrong with it? Do I really not like it, or am I socially conditioned to react negatively to it?" I guarantee you, if you turned the tables, your husband would not feel threatened or inadequate - he would be thrilled.

07:03PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Ukao

Possibly we women are resentful. It is very difficult to find magazines with men who are undressed, with well endowed erected penis's. Erected penis usually do the turn on trick for most women. Even, the internet does not give women this type of veiwing material.

07:23PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

I am a female: I don't agree with watching porn or masterbating. I do agree with Dr. Mark Goulston. There are so many things about men's minds and the way they think and react to certain things and situations that are puzzling. My advice is to listen to the "MAN", (Dr. Mark)he knows how men's minds work because he is one.

My advice? Ask if you can join him! I, too, had trouble accepting my boyfriend's attraction to pornography. But, after giving it alot of thought, have come to realize that it was my own feelings of inadequacy that were making me uncomfortable. I thought he looked at porn because I wasn't "enough woman" for him. Through hours of discussion, I've come to understand that his looking at pornography has nothing to do with his feelings for me, or make him love me any less. Now, we view pornography (both on-line and in other forms) together. we are both having alot of fun, and our sex life has even improved because of it. Instead of being something that I'm jealous of and he feels ashamed of, it's become something that continues to heighten our intamacy.

I haven't had the problem of a guy using porn (that I know of), but would not tolerate it if I did. I have enough issues of self-esteem and self-confidence without being further undermined in that way. I'm starting to think that basically most men just want to get off and could care less who, how, or whatever and I question their sincerity in general.

08:35PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

I haven't had the problem of a guy using porn (that I know of), but would not tolerate it if I did. I have enough issues of self-esteem and self-confidence without being further undermined in that way. I'm starting to think that basically most men just want to get off and could care less who, how, or whatever and I question their sincerity in general.

08:35PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

Nothing is worth your own self-esteem, and I haven't known anyone whose self-esteem was heightened by their husband being addicted to pornography. It is a common complaint of married men that their wives do not have sex with them enough, but women generally do not desire to share themselves intimately with a man who has to indulge in pornography - which to a lot of women is distasteful, degrading, and disgusting. I think the foundation of marriage is mutual love and respect, and if I were doing something that negatively affects my spouse or is hurtful, or causing problems in the marriage, he would only have to ask me once to stop. Pornography is just sex for sell, and I dont think that was the purpose intended when it was designed. All men are not indecent and some actually do have self-respect and do not seek to indulge in the selling of sex. I suggest the wife either bear down and deal with her husband's addiction or make the decision to seek that which makes her happy. Let him find a mate who is more compatible with him and his love of pornography. Sex is sacred, not to be videotaped, boxed up, and sold - it loses its meaning when treated so casually and without proper respect. No one should try to convice the wife otherwise - there's absolutely nothing wrong with maintaining decency and self-respect - you dont have to give that up to please your spouse.

08:36PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Brenda J (Atlanta)

I dont see any problem with it if you watch it together, if you dont it becomes a habit. A habit hard to break!

10:07PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

Our society is entrenched in gender roles. What I've been reading here is that men watch the porn and women become outraged by it. Did it never occur to any wife or girlfriend that perhaps her mate wants to watch porn with her, but is too afraid to ask for fear of being labeled a sex-addicted, male, chauvanist pig? Men, are you deliberately shutting your wives and girlfriends out of this part of your life because you feel that nothing should spoil the beautiful flower you've placed so high on that pedastal? I tell you all this: A pedestal is a prison. Come down to earth and enjoy yourselves, talk to each other, and learn to share in your experiences. I am a woman and I like to watch porn with my husband. We don't do it on a regular basis, but when we do it it is a mutual decision. I defend pornography and prostitution as legitimate ways for people to make money. I feel that what consenting adults do with their bodies is their business. As for believing that it will harm your children it willl only harm them if you make them think that what Daddy is watching is shameful and abnormal. By no means leave it lying around for the kids to find, but if they do happen to stumble across it just take it away gently and explain that it is something meant only for adults like Mommy and Daddy. Just like you wouldn't want your kids to watch extreme violence on t.v. or in movies so too you don't want them to watch sexual acts they won't comprehend. Communication is ultimately your best key in having a healthy relationship with your mate. I realize not every person feels as I do about porn and thats fine. To tell you the truth I find porn rather boring and so does my husband. I have yet to find a truly erotic and titillating porn movie. Most mainstream movies out right now are more satisfying than the porn movies. Don't get bogged down in these gender roles. Just becuase you're a woman doesn't mean you have to give up being a sensual and sexual creature. I also believe that men shouldn't feel threatened by a strong, opinionated woman who likes to watch porn, or go to strip clubs for the experience. But I understand that attitudes towards what are traditional roles for men and women are so ingrained that it's hard to break of them. Fine. No need to radically alter your life. Guys, if your wife or girlfriend truly despises the porn then ease up on it. Women, ease up, just a bit, on your mates. Don't feel threantened by what's on the screen. Those women aren't real and sweaty flesh on a flat screen is no substitute for the real thing.

10:53PM EST03/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

As one who fell into the internet "relationships" once about 3 years ago, I can attest to the damage and horror that it can cause. I was so very close to losing every thing that was good in my life! It took over a year of staying away from the internet completly and working on my marriage to get to the wonderful point that I am in now. We have a 2 month old daughter and a 5 year old daughter. It is only recently that getting those Playboys in the mail under my name has started to bother me! And, I am the wife. I havn't decided what my change of heart has been. Probably age and maturity but it could very welll be insecurity too. Nevethless, I hate to walk into the home office and find my husband looking at a strange woman and it only makes me more disgusted with him sexually. Honestly, it makes me not want to touch him with a ten foot pole. BUT, masturbation in the shower has never botherd me. Still doesn't.

Whats the big Deal. I agree with Chrissy at about 1:30 today. My fiance and I watch porn movies together. We communicate about everything. We have no secrets. What about woman that masterbate. Masterbation is a normal thing folks.

01:02AM EST03/05/99---Posted by Anonymous

I thought this would never happen to me but when I stumbled upon a whole hell lots of pics on my boyfriend's laptop, I was furious. What make it worst was that I was having my PMS ! So, I got emotion breakdown. But after reading Doc's explantaion, I felt much better. I confronted him via e-mail and we are going to dicuss it tomorrow. I mean, it's not a woman's fault that man look at porno. There'sa lot of opinion and solution out there but not all are practical. The best thing is to talk to each other and find what's the problem about if they love each other very much.

01:04AM EST03/05/99---Posted by Lisa

Film yourselves in bed then your hubby can view it and get off on it. Porn is dangerous. Dr. how would you feel if a man raped your 11 year old daughter and society is getting off on it?

01:23AM EST03/05/99---Posted by ?????

Society's changes over the years have had an enormous impact on relationships, yet we continually try to adhere to a traditional structure with traditional expectations. People are living longer, more and more women are able to support themselves financially, and economic prosperity enables society's insatiable appetites while the media encourages them. We grew up believing and later expecting that relationships are built on true love and true love is everlasting. We believed that men are strong and can take care of things. Well, maybe back when the life expectancy was much younger and the things needing to be done were simply solved through hard labor. Maybe then men could fulfill the expectations of "death do us part" and "I'll make everything okay". This is not today's world. The problems are complex and scary. In a two-income household, many men view their wife's income as threatening; while in a traditional household there's the intense feeling that all the complex and scary issues have to be handled alone, or else he's not a "man". This is how society's screwed-up, outdated expectations have conditioned and damaged both men and women. Men don't want help because if they accept it *someone* will say they must not be a man. While women are either at the mercy of a guy who's trying to do it all (and probably failing) or they're chastised for focusing on their careers. The frustrations that stem from this broken system are simply being revealed through the accessibility and anonymity of the Internet. I have worked in the computer industry for years and witnessed the advent of on-line porn back in the early 90's. Some of the men in the office had pictures on their machines and got a kick out of showing their buddies. It was both because it was sexual and because it was amazing to have television-quality pictures on their own personal computers. It was a novelty. It was also sexual harassment, but that's another story. After a while, only the slimey guys continued with the behavior while the good guys focused on their jobs. Maybe because they knew they could get it when they wanted it. The bottom line is that things have rarely been the fairy tale that society wanted us to believe. We are being forced to confront this truth due to the changing world in this Information Age. My hope is that after some period of time and indulgence, people will remember why it's good to be good. They'll remember why true love should be cherished. They'll realize that marriage isn't something you do because your friends are doing it or because you don't want to get a job or so that you'll have someone to boss around. They'll end up with a renewed understanding of why people enter into unions and say vows. It's not because they need a partner and some kids to work the land. It's not because they'll be an outcast if they don't. It will be because it's real and it's healthy and it's a true partnership. Pictures can't threaten a relationship like this. Get ready to separate the wheat from the chaffe.

01:32AM EST03/05/99---Posted by Anonymous

IT sucks and men who did it are pure scum. They try to say they are NOT comparing us to their stupid little fantasy world of women that they so wish they could have! HA! They are so desperate for sex its not even funny. I dont understand why men say it doesnt feel as good as sex but they still would rather do that than have sex!

01:51AM EST03/05/99---Posted by Anonymous

I am a wife married almost 6 yrs and I have that problem too I understood till I saw he had over 1000 pics on the computer of women added to the tapes, after a while I would think it starts to look all the same. I struggle w/ that alot and deleate the pics from time to time and Sex? whats that he doesnot approach me much anymore

I am disgusted with Dr. Mark's answer. I understand that orgasm is a stress reliever for men, but I think the question goes way beyond stress relief, and into possible addiction. I speak from experience. My husband is addicted to pron and masturbation. People seem to want to poo-poo this addiction, but I can tell you that it is serious stuff. After being with my husband for 11 years (separated now for 2), I found out from him that he had magazines, videos, and downloaded pics that he was hiding from me...in our home. It was a constant source of grief and guilt for him, but he never shared it with me until it was too late. I urge you to take this seriously before more marriages are ruined.

As Tom Snyder says . . . you know why man's brain is larger than a dog's? So he won't hump people's legs at parties.

12:51PM EST03/05/99---Posted by Anonymous

Relax... Men need sexual variety! Let him have his release and get over it!

05:02PM EST03/05/99---Posted by Anonymous

Stress relief? Get real. In most families the woman is the one who does most of the work, so if anyone should be stressed it her. Men need to learn to suck it up and BE A MAN. Pornography is not only disrespectful to the wife it is adulterous. The bible says that the "marrieage bed" should be undefiled and his porno addiction is defiling the marriage bed. He needs to get a relationship with God so that he can be healed of this affliction. Remember what happened to the people of Sodom and Gamorrah. Their fate was death because of the pornographic and homosexual activities that "stunk in the nostrils" of God. I will be praying for this person.

05:06PM EST03/05/99---Posted by A Child of God

I think the reason that men are so fascinated by porn is that they know little, if anything, about women's bodies. If they learned about women's bodies as a natural thing as children and not something forbidden, the fascination would be gone. Instead children are allowed to watch all kinds of violence and think that it is natural while they are not allowed to see naked bodies and therefore don't think of bodies as natural.

05:29PM EST03/05/99---Posted by B

I have noticed several major trends here. One is that many of the women are basing their self-esteem on their husbands habits. I, for one don't see how visiting a porn site is any different from a guy who ignores his wife for a football game. For those women who feel like they're not getting enough love, consider the possiability that your husband just isn't interested in sex at that moment. For men the question is not usually do I want to masterbate right now, or have sex. These are two totally sepparate catagories of activity. If your husband feels like masterbating, but instead you convince him to have sex with you, you will most likely find it very unsatisfying. And so will he. One option that this woman can explore if she wants to pull her husband away from porn is to sneak a look at the type of things he's looking at and try to give him/do for him those things she feels comfertable doing. In some ways this is a little mean because for most men, getting the real version of a fantasy usually kills the fantasy. Chances are once he's had it, he will probably not really want it any more. But more to the point is that whether he want it or not, the pictures will make no sence to him any more. For example, if he likes looking at women who dress like prep school girls, get an outfit like that and wear it on time when you go out. From that point on, every time he looks at a porn picture of this type, it will be you he will be seeing in the back of his mind. Either he will think that you are so much better than the picture, or the image in his mind will turn him off. Either way, no more picture on the screen.

05:48PM EST03/05/99---Posted by Anonymous

OK women, here it goes. Porn is not sex. To all of you who are thinking it means you are not enough for him, stop thinking this way. Chances are you are not only enough, but too much for him. To hose who feel bad about the fact that he is looking at another woman, realize this. You are the woman in his life, those other women are object to him. Would you feel bad if he were spending his nights looking at cool sports cars. To men porn is the same thing, but more fun. To those who feel inadiquate because the girls on the screen are pretty, I should hope that the bond between you and your spouse is founded on much better things than looks, because someday, the only thing keeping you two from seeing each other as prunes will be your love. And NO you don't look as good as the girl on the screen to the average human male. She is in make-up, in pose, edited, and frozen in time. But chances are that durring moments of endearment you look better than her to your man.

06:18PM EST03/05/99---Posted by Anonymous

I think that the wife needs to look at this incident from the "rubber hits the road perpective". Dr.Mark and her husband agree on the idea that human females are "things" to be used in for self-gratification and/or stress relievers; their feelings, thoughts and wishes do not matter- only the "need" for relief on behalf of the man matters. This is an awesome lesson that both of these men are teaching the wife in this letter and the husband is teaching this attitude to the daughter by default, because sooner or later she is going to learn about her father's behavior and her mother's distress. Instead of worrying about how she can learn to "perform" better in order to be a better stress-buster for her husband, she should be concerned that his activities are going to lead him in to more than just wanting to look at pictures, videos or internet images of pyt's (pretty-young-things). He is going to want to DO sexual acts with them. Probably his first victim will BE his daughter or females just like her when she maturates and becomes one of these nubile pyt's. This may seem damming but after all, the husband is CONDITIONING himself via porn to WANT females like that, not to make love or identify lovemaking with his adult wife who is probably near his age. I hope that for her daughter's sake that she gets out of the house and gets a lawyer and the police before she has to live with the nightmare of STD's HIV,or worse sexual assault, either of her or someone else's minor daughter. Porn hurts a lot of people; the main purveryors of visual porn are boys from 9-16; if the porn is "soft" then it sets up a frustration to lust for a female that legally they cannot have- never MIND that the image may be totally faked by surgery and computer generated inhancing. So who gets the brunt of that frustration? female children who are helpless against an assault. Does it hurt? Ask the heartbroken parents of girls, as young as 3 years old who have been assaulted in such a manner. Ask females who suffer under the males' dissatifaction with them (other adolescent girls) who naturally, do not look like these images and if they by chance happen to have such bodies then they are fair game for assault as well or mental/emotional exploitation at least. As to the "hard" porn, just where does "dr mark" want to draw the line. Does the phrase "how do you spell relief" need to include torture, mutilation, befouling a female with bodily wastes- or, let's go ONE better- a snuff film, where a guy can get fantasize about 86'ing his ex-wife/mistress/girlfriend/one-night-stand/the one that said "no"/ in short,the b--ch or c--t that got away or did him wrong- how do you spell "relief" indeed! Finally, everyone has blamed the wife for not being sexually aware enough/attractive/available/ or whatever but NOONE, certainly not the men here think that the husband might BE the problem. If this guy's a typical American Male- he is probably a testicle scratching, belching, pauchy, sportstv addicted moron who leaves the toilet seat UP after he uses it as well as leaves urine droppings around the bowl- you'd be better off with a dog- a dog you can chain it up and leave it outdoors. When I read these posts I am GLAD to be single, a virgin and out of male (penis)idol worship. I deserve better and a man is going to HAVE to respect me and be decent and capable of self-control, otherwise I want as little to do with them as possible( and I am "straight" AND capable of self-pleasure)

I think that the wife needs to look at this incident from the "rubber hits the road perpective". Dr.Mark and her husband agree on the idea that human females are "things" to be used in for self-gratification and/or stress relievers; their feelings, thoughts and wishes do not matter- only the "need" for relief on behalf of the man matters. This is an awesome lesson that both of these men are teaching the wife in this letter and the husband is teaching this attitude to the daughter by default, because sooner or later she is going to learn about her father's behavior and her mother's distress. Instead of worrying about how she can learn to "perform" better in order to be a better stress-buster for her husband, she should be concerned that his activities are going to lead him in to more than just wanting to look at pictures, videos or internet images of pyt's (pretty-young-things). He is going to want to DO sexual acts with them. Probably his first victim will BE his daughter or females just like her when she maturates and becomes one of these nubile pyt's. This may seem damming but after all, the husband is CONDITIONING himself via porn to WANT females like that, not to make love or identify lovemaking with his adult wife who is probably near his age. I hope that for her daughter's sake that she gets out of the house and gets a lawyer and the police before she has to live with the nightmare of STD's HIV,or worse sexual assault, either of her or someone else's minor daughter. Porn hurts a lot of people; the main purveryors of visual porn are boys from 9-16; if the porn is "soft" then it sets up a frustration to lust for a female that legally they cannot have- never MIND that the image may be totally faked by surgery and computer generated inhancing. So who gets the brunt of that frustration? female children who are helpless against an assault. Does it hurt? Ask the heartbroken parents of girls, as young as 3 years old who have been assaulted in such a manner. Ask females who suffer under the males' dissatifaction with them (other adolescent girls) who naturally, do not look like these images and if they by chance happen to have such bodies then they are fair game for assault as well or mental/emotional exploitation at least. As to the "hard" porn, just where does "dr mark" want to draw the line. Does the phrase "how do you spell relief" need to include torture, mutilation, befouling a female with bodily wastes- or, let's go ONE better- a snuff film, where a guy can get fantasize about 86'ing his ex-wife/mistress/girlfriend/one-night-stand/the one that said "no"/ in short,the b--ch or c--t that got away or did him wrong- how do you spell "relief" indeed! Finally, everyone has blamed the wife for not being sexually aware enough/attractive/available/ or whatever but NOONE, certainly not the men here think that the husband might BE the problem. If this guy's a typical American Male- he is probably a testicle scratching, belching, pauchy, sportstv addicted moron who leaves the toilet seat UP after he uses it as well as leaves urine droppings around the bowl- you'd be better off with a dog- a dog you can chain it up and leave it outdoors. When I read these posts I am GLAD to be single, a virgin and out of male (penis)idol worship. I deserve better and a man is going to HAVE to respect me and be decent and capable of self-control, otherwise I want as little to do with them as possible( and I am "straight" AND capable of self-pleasure)

I think that the wife needs to look at this incident from the "rubber hits the road perpective". Dr.Mark and her husband agree on the idea that human females are "things" to be used in for self-gratification and/or stress relievers; their feelings, thoughts and wishes do not matter- only the "need" for relief on behalf of the man matters. This is an awesome lesson that both of these men are teaching the wife in this letter and the husband is teaching this attitude to the daughter by default, because sooner or later she is going to learn about her father's behavior and her mother's distress. Instead of worrying about how she can learn to "perform" better in order to be a better stress-buster for her husband, she should be concerned that his activities are going to lead him in to more than just wanting to look at pictures, videos or internet images of pyt's (pretty-young-things). He is going to want to DO sexual acts with them. Probably his first victim will BE his daughter or females just like her when she maturates and becomes one of these nubile pyt's. This may seem damming but after all, the husband is CONDITIONING himself via porn to WANT females like that, not to make love or identify lovemaking with his adult wife who is probably near his age. I hope that for her daughter's sake that she gets out of the house and gets a lawyer and the police before she has to live with the nightmare of STD's HIV,or worse sexual assault, either of her or someone else's minor daughter. Porn hurts a lot of people; the main purveryors of visual porn are boys from 9-16; if the porn is "soft" then it sets up a frustration to lust for a female that legally they cannot have- never MIND that the image may be totally faked by surgery and computer generated inhancing. So who gets the brunt of that frustration? female children who are helpless against an assault. Does it hurt? Ask the heartbroken parents of girls, as young as 3 years old who have been assaulted in such a manner. Ask females who suffer under the males' dissatifaction with them (other adolescent girls) who naturally, do not look like these images and if they by chance happen to have such bodies then they are fair game for assault as well or mental/emotional exploitation at least. As to the "hard" porn, just where does "dr mark" want to draw the line. Does the phrase "how do you spell relief" need to include torture, mutilation, befouling a female with bodily wastes- or, let's go ONE better- a snuff film, where a guy can get fantasize about 86'ing his ex-wife/mistress/girlfriend/one-night-stand/the one that said "no"/ in short,the b--ch or c--t that got away or did him wrong- how do you spell "relief" indeed! Finally, everyone has blamed the wife for not being sexually aware enough/attractive/available/ or whatever but NOONE, certainly not the men here think that the husband might BE the problem. If this guy's a typical American Male- he is probably a testicle scratching, belching, pauchy, sportstv addicted moron who leaves the toilet seat UP after he uses it as well as leaves urine droppings around the bowl- you'd be better off with a dog- a dog you can chain it up and leave it outdoors. When I read these posts I am GLAD to be single, a virgin and out of male (penis)idol worship. I deserve better and a man is going to HAVE to respect me and be decent and capable of self-control, otherwise I want as little to do with them as possible( and I am "straight" AND capable of self-pleasure)

I think it's great that men have another outlet other than their wives for sexual release. Men were made to reproduce, women were, but only every nine months, so therefore it's purely instinctual and I'm glad my husband has an outlet without always dragging me into bed! I never say no, and am always happy to oblige, but I'd rather not. There's always something else i'd rather be doing. Not that I don't love and worship him, I just can't spend all 24 hours a day in the sack!

09:56PM EST03/05/99---Posted by HAPPY AND SATISFIED

i think porn is a natural thing, BUT there is limit to it. If it is every day always talking and thinking and looking at it, then it is an addiction. Me and my boyfriend watch every once in awhile. About i to 2 times every other month, just when we are in the mood. I don't mind if he looks at playboy or penthouse, because he does not look at them ALL the time. Actually he has them in a box under the bed. If it was every day then i would be upset.

10:04PM EST03/05/99---Posted by Anonymous

Someone earlier said she likes to watch porn with her husband then said they both find it rather boring. If that's the case, why bother? I don't find it arousing to watch - it is boring at best and more than not its disgusting. I always wonder what sort of diseases these "actors" and "actresses" have, and how they can have such litle respect fro themselves. I think many do it to get income to support addictions.

10:06PM EST03/05/99---Posted by Anonymous

03:01AM EST03/06/99---Posted by Celluar phones

I was new to the internet about a year ago and I wanted to check out one time to see how easy it would be for a child or teen to get porn on the internet. I teach children in church boy was I blown away. I started getting addicted to it. All you had to do was click and say you were over 18 and poof you were there some even take less work just hit the first page. I know it is wrong and have been taught it all my life. Maybe its new feelings in midlife for a man or something. When I was first married I had all the sexual relations with my wife I wanted. Now I have to beg and plead for it 1 time a month If i'm lucky then. I do all I can do to motivate my wife massages, cuddling, wash her in the shower etc. I do dishes clean house etc. So she wont be so tired. We have talked till I'm blue in the face about it and done about everthing I know how to get her going. Anyways when I saw this it was easy to slip on my beliefs for awhile I liked the story reading mostly. I tried to find all the R movies I could that had skin in it. It started getting worse and checked out a xxxrated movie for an experiment. That made matters worse I started looking for the next internet fix. It was a trap from the Devil and I fell in. I started looking at every woman I saw in a different way picturing them with their clothes off. Even if they were not very nice to look at. What really got me thinking was when I caught myself thinking about my own Daughter and son how would I feel if I got to the point of sexually abusing them from this addiction. How would I feel then Man I got scared to death of my own thoughts. How would I feel If someone that was addicted abducted my children for this expecially my daughter. I love my children very much and don't want anything or anyone to hurt them. I don't want my children growing up saying some one sexually abused me so I need to be a sex object to get back at whoever for it by teaseing them. I still have to fight major urges when I'm on the internet and it is very hard to fight. Sometimes I hit links that say one thing and take me to a porn site then have a even harder time backing out. I ask God for help and he helps me hit that back button to get out. I then try to find a good site. I don't want my family taken away from me because porn will destroy a family. I don't like to fight my conscience for over the matter for weeks over 1 look. I don't want to go through the pain and agony I went through when my wife found out and my pastor. It was over 6 months of pain over a few hours on the internet the pay off isn't worth it.

I think if a man needs porn. That should be all he needs. He has a women 24/7 to look and have sex with. Sure porn is ok once in a while but if he needs it all the time 24/7 what does he need with a female. That might make the female find a man that enjoys looking at her and she will feel much better knowing she's turning someone on instead of a porn flick turning her man on getting him in the mood. Personally If I can't be the one to turn my man on and get him in the mood for sex what's the point of having sex with him. I'm not going to sit back and let him get ready to have sex with me by watching porns. The stress give me a break, Ok women get more stressed then men. If we were to sit and watch porns with great looking hung and men that know how to do what we like to see. You tell me what our mate(Man) would do! Sorry he will not go for that. And Men you know this.Especially it we express ourselves as to how great and well hung that man is. Then the next thing we have to hear is "What you don't find me sexy or well hung." They will have the problem next. My advice is what's good for the goose is good for the gander. So girl, get you some great porn movies and get down yourself, and maybe start to masturbate and let him see how good it makes you feel. Be sure to get you a couple of toys to play with, that might piss him off, but oh well, he doesn't care about how you feel about what he's doing.

10:31AM EST03/06/99---Posted by Anonymous

Devices for sexual pleasure, a dog for companionship, good friends for conversation, a job and investment portfolio for financial security, AND the remote control. It may not be optimal, but at least it's not a lie. Sounds pretty good to me.

11:57AM EST03/06/99---Posted by Anonymous

Reading these opinions made me appreciate my husband and our religion alot! We are Later-Day-Saints; waching porn is not even a topic to debate. It's wrong, period! I know I am the only one, the only soul mate and love companion to my husband and vice versa. We share everything and trust each others fully. We turn to God when we have problem, and we support each others when one of us is stressed out. I think our approach is much healthier than using porn. And I know it's achievable, too.

01:03PM EST03/06/99---Posted by Minh

What I catch is a total lack of understanding from either partner.Women and men view sex differently (not right or wrong just differently). Dr John Grey touches on this in his Men are from Mars Books. This may be the only place that he is allowed to feel freely and alive. We don't enough of the details of either person to say who should change and who should compromise. Most likely both! He needs to be more considerate and she needs to be less judgemental. Chances are that if they are having these self-estem problems. Then understanding on both sides is needed. Get out of the Jerry Springer mindset and back into loving the person you fell in love with.

02:37PM EST03/06/99---Posted by Anonymous

What you all have to understand is that the world is full of competition. I can only speak from a woman's point of view though. Whenever I catch my husband looking at his pictures and videos and stuff like that, I immediately (as well as naturally) feel threatened. For example, if you're a woman and you enjoy playing tennis and ask your best friend to play a match against you, if she kicks your butt and your mate starts complimenting her and doesn't even acknowledge your efforts, would you be offended??? I bet nine times out of ten you would. It's not any different than your man looking at another woman on the screen. It doesn't matter if he can touch her, or if he even sees her every day....It is still a threat to us. For those of you who have self-esteem problems, your husbands should most definitely stop looking at his pictures. You may be able to understand, and you may be able to live with it, but don't do it if it hurts you.

Maybe if you men would stop with the porn your woman would give you more sex. My husband looks at porn and it turns me OFF. I don't want to have sex with him when he gets all turned on by someone else. All he has to do is turn ME on. touch, hold, kiss, talk, and you have it. I'll give it to him, when he wants it, but if he is "in the computer" all night, that isn't going to turn ME on!! You men want too much. You want the "perfect woman", the mom, the wh***, the pal, all we want is someone to share feelings with and to touch and hold us and love us for who we are, not how we look (not all the time anyway). The venus and mars book is from a mans point of view. Where are the porn sites on the net for women? Not women and women or men and men, just some nice views for us? I'm serious, please respond.

08:54PM EST03/06/99---Posted by Tired of being alone

How do you know that your mate doesn't look at porn? I didn't think that mine did either until I found it. And how do you know that it isn't all the time? I confronted my mate with it and told him that I didn't like it and then I found more a few years later. So what do you do?

08:59PM EST03/06/99---Posted by Anonymous

myself personally it makes me feel like i am not good enough for him,but guess what i am better. now that he knows that he doesnt look around me but now i do look and guess what its not that great most men just want something they will never have

09:43PM EST03/06/99---Posted by Anonymous

09:46PM EST03/06/99---Posted by Anonymous

This is amazing..I've never seen so many defensive responses from women....The biggest complaint I hear from married men is that their wives would rather sleep then have sex....the only advice I can give to the affected ones is that wives should put out more...men are visually aroused...wear a thong, talk dirty, accomodate his fantasies...

10:15AM EST03/07/99---Posted by Anonymous

My problem isn't with him watching porn. All he ever wants to do is stay up all night playing hunting games with his friend over the phone. He will sit up till three a.m., while I'm in bed alone. When he does watch porn at least he comes to bed with me. I don't mind the porn at all.

11:03AM EST03/07/99---Posted by leftalone

women should put out more????? what a rude comment! men may be visually aroused, but most are PHYSICALLY aroused!!! you so-called MEN should know that about your wives! it is NOT the woman's fault! it's all HIM!

03:39PM EST03/07/99---Posted by defensive

most WOMEN are physically aroused I mean. Sorry

03:42PM EST03/07/99---Posted by defensive

Dr. Mark is full of crap. Women like and need stress relief oragasms too. I unfortunately had a similiar experiance with my husband and guess what? The more porn he was into, the less he made love to me. I'm not a prude, a cold or unreasonable women. I am very sensual and have a very strong sex drive, so I don't think the porn offered him something he couldn't get at home, (if he would have been intersted and been there for me). We used to have a very good and open sex life, now our relationship is full of mistrust and inhibitions. We are currently in therapy and I hope things will work out. I finally had to make him choose the porn or me. He said he chooses me, I guess time will tell. Next to infidelity, itself, I've never seen so much damage, hurt and devistation inflicted on relationships like that of pornography.

05:52PM EST03/07/99---Posted by Anonymous

If your husbands had not been looking at porn, they probably would have been playing a computer game, or browsing the net. Get real, what you are all seeing is the new and more technologically advanced version of the husband falling asleep while watching late night TV or reading the paper. Women tend to expect their man to be all about them. When that doesn't happpen, they look for external reasons including blaming themselves, the computer, the TV, or porn. The real culprit is just that reality is not the same as the image we (men and women) have been brought up with about what marriage and love are supposed to be like. The truth is that most of us will be lucky to have someone with us for the rest of our lives who is willing to put up with our faults, take our side over that of others even if we are wrong, and sees us in a better light than we see ourselves most of the time. Most men do not visit porn sites as an alternative for real sex. They visit these sites because of bordome. In todays fast paced world, with the volume of every thing from speed limits to special effects in the movies constantly on the rise, for many men, home life, and the usual attendant distractions are just not loud enough to drown out the noise. One easy way for this woman to get her husband to spend more time with her and less time on porn could be to take up playing raquett-ball with him on a regular basis. Not to mention the fact that this would have the secondary benifit of increasing her self-esteem, and potentially makeing them both more attractive.

11:55PM EST03/07/99---Posted by Anonymous

I put up with my husband for over a year with this filth! I didn't know him anymore! He thought nothing was wrong with it. After many tries at talking about it & counseling, I divvvvorced the BASTARD! I am far happier now, that I don't deal with the stress of living like this. I expect my husband to be for me & only me, & vice versa!

02:59AM EST03/08/99---Posted by Anonymous

As sad as this may sound, all the letters from women whose partners had given up real sex for porn made me feel better!! I wasn't alone. My self esteem has taken a huge beating from this situation and I can't tell you how it made me feel that there were others out there in the same situation. I know he loves me and our son and to leave him just doesn't feel like an option. But I never figured my life would turn out like this....in love but without sex. I guess the next step is counseling.

10:31AM EST03/13/99---Posted by Anonymous

I think she needs to quit obsessing over the porn. It sounds like she is not all that comfortable with her sexuality. I think they both need counseling to save the marriage. There has to be a deeper problem. My husband and I both masturbate(seperately) and I have read his exotic stories and looked at Playboy for years. It has never bothered me that he looks at pictures of naked women. I have never been making love to my husband and been"flooded" by images of porn. Maybe it's a self-esteem issue.

09:49PM EST03/13/99---Posted by Anonymous

I think that thedoctors advice is terrible. Everyone has pressures.I don't recall this woman saying her husband was under any undo stress. I think she should be the one under stress. The husbands actions display nothing but disregard for his wife. Selfishness is what I see. Why can't he include his wife in the fun? get with it. He wants his cake and he wants to pay with it too!

02:08PM EST03/15/99---Posted by Anonymous

Porno is the greatest thing and it should be sent all over the place.

03:34PM EST03/15/99---Posted by Anonymous

sex and drugs and blow jobs and 69 and anal sex and sucking on them fat juicy titties with cum spilling from your partners mouth all while sticking whole and entire fists inside the juicy vagina... is a great thing... but not in porno

My husband never got past the first date before he met me. I met him through a dating service and he is currently a successful professional.I discovered his xxx rated movies while we were dating but being so nieve I never realized the consequences for me of "his problem" until it was too late.This is a second marriage for me and I had always had normal, healthy relationships before I married him. We have no intimate relations whatsoever, he never ever takes me out.He thinks that I am his mother! It used to feel really degrading but now I just laugh at him- he is so pathetic.I pity him because he has no self-control. As for me, I have developed much inner strength from dealing with the situation and this man will certainly be his own undoing!

11:32AM EST03/22/99---Posted by Anonymous

I have same issue with my wife about frequency of sex. She's never "in the mood" because I don't earn a million dollars a year, and she can't quit her job and keep the nanny company all day. We make love about 6 times a year (mostly she'd rather not even those times). I spend about 2 hours a day on the porn sites. What's so bad about that ?

07:48PM EST03/22/99---Posted by sam101

I have same issue with my wife about frequency of sex. She's never "in the mood" because I don't earn a million dollars a year, and she can't quit her job and keep the nanny company all day. We make love about 6 times a year (mostly she'd rather not even those times). I spend about 2 hours a day on the porn sites. What's so bad about that ?

07:48PM EST03/22/99---Posted by sam101

Are you married to a JAP bitch ? Sounds like its your job to do all the chores, bring home a million or two per year. Then maybe you'll get laid on your birthday. Does she use the ole emory board during sex ? How often do you beg for it ?

11:40PM EST03/22/99---Posted by Anonymous

08:31AM EST03/23/99---Posted by Anonymous

i have always understood that my husband needs visual aids. however I do find it hard to accept that he use our brand new computor as a wanking machine. He thought it was quite funny of couse when I told him this. I do draw the line though at watching young porno teenagers and sick acts.My husband got a real shock when he received his latest credit card statement with large transaction fees, for all those internet cheap thrills that he thought he was getting for free. He also felt like a real idiot. come on men, use your brains. Why make some internet company rich,when you could be enriching your lovelife with your woman.Don"t you see that you are being ripped off.Both financially and emotionally!As for masturbation without the computor, isn"t there enough to go around to make everyone happy- as in both yourself and your woman.Why give it all to a hand!I know that I'm being pretty direct here, but I personally to have felt the effects of a sexual drought in a marriage! Isn"t marriage afterall about compromise and consideration!Having sex with the computor and depriving your partner continuously will eventually hurt you both.

08:50AM EST03/23/99---Posted by Wife of big spender

My man likes to watch porns and look at the magazines and he wants to go to the strip joints. When we first got together he said he hated that kind of thing that it was all a big tease. I guess that was just one of many lies he has told me in the course of our year and a half relationship

12:30PM EST03/25/99---Posted by Anonymous

People seem to believe that sex is not addicitng but it certainly is. My boyfriend is a sex addict and whenever he acts out he is so ashamed of it. He says he does it without thinking and feels horrible afterwards. He is a member of Sex Addicts Anonmous and is working really hard at it. I have never masterbated so maybe I dont understand it but it seems this should NOT be a way for a man to relieve his stress. I believe pornography is very demoralizing to women. I work in a Fortune 500 company and see how hard it is for women to work in the "mans" business world. Pornography just makes it that much harder to show we are just as capable as men. I don't want to be seen for my legs, boobs, or butt. I want to be known for my skills and personality. Porno stars just have low selk esteem and make a living off of addicts and others with the same low level of self esteem.

12:49PM EST03/27/99---Posted by living in hell

Ok people, First of all, I am a 24 year old male, and I do not look at porn. As a matter of fact, the images that run through my mind are those of my future wife/current girlfriend. I am so satisfied with everything about her, that looking at porn is no longer an option. Guys have no excuses. They look at porn to get off, and then they imagine their porn queens while having sex with their wives. To support this theory: Wives...does your husband close his eyes while having sex with you?

10:17PM EST03/30/99---Posted by Scott

I too am a woman with a husband who lives in the porno sites. I feel it's degrading, selfish, and sick to spend hours looking at other woman's naked bodies. Masterbating is a natural function, but looking at other woman and lusting for them is no different than going out and having an affair. They are having that affair in their minds and sooner or later they will act upon it. I am in counseling for at the moment trying to understand how my husband can look at other naked women online and have an online affair with a girl he had an affair with 7 years ago. she sent me a copy of their conversation and he said he don't know why he said that and the he really didn't mean to say them. he said them and he meant them at the time. So there fore men and thier porno can and do do alot of damage to a relationship. I feel porno leads to other things.

All I have to say is DONT LET THINGS GET OUT OF HAND...AND DONT FORGET..HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU SLIPPED UNDER THE SHEETS...

11:39PM EDT04/05/99---Posted by Anonymous

All I have to say is DONT LET THINGS GET OUT OF HAND...AND DONT FORGET..HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU SLIPPED UNDER THE SHEETS...

11:39PM EDT04/05/99---Posted by Anonymous

I really think that Dr. Mark has missed the point. I am experiencing the same problem. The problem with the husband is NOT masturbation, which most people will agree is perfectly healthy. The problem is with the pornography that for some reason her husband believes he needs. Pornography, not masturbation, is very harmful to relationships. It creates problems with trust and can lower the wife's or girlfriend's self esteem. I don't think that our so-called "expert" gave a very good response at all. Men do not NEED pornography to masturbate, and any man who says so is either fooling you or fooling himself.

12:44PM EDT04/06/99---Posted by Miss Scarlet

I'm a man and I look at porn sometimes. Why? Because I get horney. Does it mean I don't love my wife of 10 years any less. No, it doesn't. I love her more each day. She looks at with me sometimes. Sometimes she even makes the suggestion that we look at it. It's usually a big laugh fest for the both of us. I masterbate sometimes. Sometimes to relieve stress, sometimes just to have an orgasim, sometimes cause the wife isn't in the mood and I am. Does that mean I have a problem? No. We have a pretty good sex life. She's trying things I want and vice versa. I don't look at porn everyday. It comes and goes in spells. There are times that I look at for long periods of time and then other times I don't look at it for weeks. It still doesn't mean that something is wrong with me. I think it's pretty feakin' selfish of some of the people who have posted to say something is wrong with this guy. If he isn't have regular sex with his wife then yes there's a problem. But if he jerks off a coupole of times a week and still takes care of her, so what?!?!?!? I think the woman in question should give a little more detail. Then some of these lynch additudes might be warranted and then again they might not be. I've looked at porn off and on for over 15 years and I've never raped anyone, never beat my wife, never cheated on her, never screwed animals or any of the other crap that some of these people say porn will make you do. If you cheat on your wife it ain't because you jerked off to a naked pic, it's because you were planning on it. That's my two cents and I might find a nickel later on depending on the response.

Dale has the classic defensive attitude - as most men who use porn on a regular basis have.He's right about most things, but like others like him, doesn't understand the women's majority opinion on this issue, and doesn't want to. It comes down to disrespecting your partner, if you use it alone often. Even if your partner enjoys it with you, which is fun, it's not fair for a person to hoard the porn all to themselves and the partner just has to put up with it. You may as well be cheating.

09:47AM EDT04/07/99---Posted by Anonymous

I think alot of people have miissed the mark...including the learned Doctor. Playboy is not pornography(in today's meaning) Cheri, all Anal, etc. is! And I'd like to remind you all, it's against the law! When you pull this stuff up on the internet, I hope you realize that big brother is watching you! Federal authorities constantly watch these sights and monitor people's usage! I may not have a Doctorate in psychology but I have one in life! Pornography is degrading! It in no way,shape or form resembles art. There are no excuses! I have personally known girls/women who were abducted and forced to perform sexual acts for the "on-line" experience and enjoyment of others. This is not a pretty picture folks! The average age of the girls you're looking at is 14!!! Think about it! Would you like to see you daughter/wife/lover/friend in that position? I think not! Before you look at another pic, THINK! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? I HAVE FRIENDS ON THE POLICE FORCE THAT HAVE BROKEN UP THESE RINGS. I think Dr. Mark should realize that condoning the violence that is behind EVERY scene,is inhumane and HE HAS A PROBLEM TOO!!!!!!! I would like to add that my fiance of almost 2 years was into porn until I helped him realize what was happening to these poor women AND MEN! Now he won't touch the filth! With knowledge comes the chance for understanding and change. I urge the woman to believe in her higher power and help her significant other to see the light of his acts! May you all walk in the light and love from up above! My heart cries for all of you and especially those in bondage being forced to perform these acts!

08:01PM EDT04/10/99---Posted by Anonymous

i do feel sympathy for the wives. but they should never feel dirty because of what their men do! my hubster looks @ pics on the net all the time. especially after i go to bed. i sometimes become offended & voice my opinion, but no matter what i say, he will not stop looking. so why should i worry for nothing, he is with me, not the girlies on the net. LADIES......go get some self confidence. strip for your man, he'll surely stop looking at them to see the real thing in front of him!

10:39PM EDT04/12/99---Posted by confident wife

TO DALE, mr. advocate of porn, you are not a woman, so you don't know how it feels. You are a disgusting man, and I have pitty for your wife. I only hope she has the good sense to leave such a sleazebag. Pornography is NOT okay. It IS degrading to all females, and even some males. If you say you love your wife as much as you do, then you would be able to visualize her when you needed to masturbate, not look at all the whores and sluts in those smut mags. You should be ashamed of yourself. I am not a prude, just someone with good sense. My fiance used to look at it, but quit the day we began dating. If he wouldn't have given it up, I probably would have left him. We share something very special. And you, Dale, must definately NOT have that if you act as trashy as you do. To the woman who wrote in, I hope your husband has the strength to make you happy.

06:51PM EDT04/15/99---Posted by Melissa

I have to imagine that, with the numbers of married couples divorcing - often driven by "insufficient sex w/spouse" - that the porn industry would go 'flaccid' if more individuals would focus on improving their love lives at home. This, from a husband of fifteen years, disillusioned and nearly divorced, with a passionless marriage... Don't kid yourselves ladies; porn and masturbation is not seen as a substitute for real sex, anymore than you would consider water a substitute for wine.

10:38AM EDT04/17/99---Posted by Anonymous

I dont understand why men need a picture to get off, especially when they act like a little breeze gives them a hardon! I am all for masturbation,I do it myself when the need arises(I dont need pictures) ,I am sure my husband did fine masturbating in the shower or wherever before without pictures,but not long ago I found a very tasteless porno mag with a couple of pictures of teens in it downloaded from the net,I got very upset,felt all the feelings everyone is talking about,I told him how it makes me feel,he got very defensive,said it had nothing to do with me whatever!then like so many men do so often he turned it around to me and said well you never initiate sex I always have to.I really felt bad about this and thought it was all my fault,he was using the porn because of me,so the very next morning I initiated it,well when I got home from work I found out he had been back in the porn sites!I exploded,now I dont trust him on the internet,when we go anywhere I feel like he is checking out all the girls.In the last couple of months our sex life has gotten much better,I used to be very inhibited about sex,but I am doing much better,mostly because I dont want him to use the porno,I love him and dont want to have to leave him over this,he hasnt done it since the last time I found it,but now it is so hard to trust him.A little thing like PORNO! The hell it reeks!

12:54PM EDT04/20/99---Posted by Anonymous

How about asking him HOW the pictures on the internet "initiate" sex. Men will give any excuse that comes to mind, they are not as strong as they want us to think. Now there is another excuse for them to use.

01:51PM EDT04/20/99---Posted by Anonymous

After reading all the information the world had to offer, I felt I had to apply my personal facts. I am all of these things the women here are discussing. (1) Male (2) Addicted to the Internet (3) Addicted to porn (4) Addicted to masturbation. Some of you are astute in your viewpoints; most of you penalize your man for being a MAN. Some of you even left the poor soles because you had some personal conflict with yourselves, even boasting proudly about your decision here. Granted, I don't know everyone's situation but I don't believe you can quantify the weakness it takes to divorce your husband because he masturbates. Why we are not honest with ourselves is absolutely puzzling. Never loose sight of what a man is. I could literally quote thousands of popular and colorful euphemisms, one liners and jokes that all tell one common story, man likes sex. In fact it is so obvious, I have to think that man was designed for this purpose, it is obvious that woman was designed to reproduce and just maybe, given the ability of pleasure to remove the burden of the real chore at hand and that is reproduction. Don't take me too seriously on that, I was merely hypothesizing. Understand this, I love my current wife unconditionally. I would never want to hurt her in any way shape or form. I just couldn't live with myself. I have been there before, ex-wife scenario; she was a great woman. I feel terrible inside at the harm and heartbreak I brought to her and I will NEVER go through that again. I could not stop cheating. With her sister, her sister's friends, women I met out in the world during normal every day life. But, I loved to have sex with her as well. I just loved to have sex. Men do! Married or not, we want to have sex with every Lolita that catches our eye, and don't think for a second that we don't. Heck, when I go grocery shopping with my wife, I KNOW I am in for a fun ride, and that's because I catch every Tom, Dick and Harry walking around by themselves or with their WIVES, and starring at mine. 90 percent of the time the only thing missing is drool. I'm no exception, I am checking out every cute dish that passes me. Taking a mental snapshot of my top picks for masturbation later. It is all quite ideal; I have developed a full colored glossy memory. Have you ever looked at someone and thought they looked like a bitch or what have you. You can literally apply a personality to your mental image and have sex with several different women all in the comfort of your own hand. Back to the grocery store... what are the women doing while all of this is happening, SHOPPING! The unsuspecting female shoppers are never even touched, no contact is made, but in the long run, and with a good imagination you can begin to see that we will have you regardless. Here is one of those one liners, "Women need a reason, men just need a place." If a woman does not have sex on her mind, it is not going to happen, she is not going to see things in that way. Here is a good example, a female co-worker asks a male co-worker to copy her in on a report and slip it into her mailbox. Now, I can guarantee you that the majority of men out there will hear this statement in a way none so surprising, and she will have heard nothing but 'Please', 'Report', 'Copy', 'My mailbox' and 'Soon I hope.' Man will mostly likely hear 'I'll make a copy of it, pass it along and be done with it.', 'I'd love to slip a report into her mailbox!' There are a few exceptions to the rule when it comes to men. There are men who simply do not think this way at all. So for those women that must have a man that wants no one else, they do exist. The chances of finding them are about the same as winning the lottery. Now there must be alot of women out there that would probably love to rip me a new one because of what I have said here. But for the love of God, be honest with yourself and think about what is going on in the world. I understand that women are delicate, delightful creatures who need to be romanced, they need that reason. Again, back to sayings, "Boys are made of snails and puppy dog tails, girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice". It exists everywhere; it's a poor mixture of common sense and denial. Women see porn and sex crazed men as a bad thing, that's understandable, with all that sugar and spice and everything nice, you want the world to be warm and fuzzy. There is nothing wrong with that. But men on the other hand (no pun intended, but you can see how I think 'other hand') need and want to satisfy that truly annoying urge for sex. Believe me, I wish I could turn it off or at least be made to need a reason as well. And if that were the case, half of you would probably not have existed to post your opinions here, and men would shop equally for food. Most of us praise God; I also praise porn and the Internet for providing a means of releasing my own bodies demand for sex. This prevents me from sticking my business into someone else. Now for the bad news, yes there is bad news for masturbaters alike; overindulgence in this practice can lead to short sessions with your wife. While masturbating you are allowed to be selfish to the extent that your are training yourself to achieve your goal quickly and effortlessly. In other words, no partner to please as well. Can you see the problem here? Outside of rubbing your skin raw and having to wait a few days before re-engaging yourself, you can develop problems with lovemaking and your wife. You may enjoy yourself, but don't forget, when you least expect, she will find that reason. For the women; ask yourselves this: "Would you divorce your husband because he masturbates or because he is sleeping with your sister?". If your find yourself asking, "Well how about if I am sexually unsatisfied because he masturbates?" I would have to say that it sounds as selfish as masturbation does. Besides, if you married him because he was a good lover and then he started masturbating, you obviously have some personal issues.

12:57PM EDT04/23/99---Posted by Anonymous Male

BE GLAD THEY CAN APPRECIATE A NAKED WOMAN OR YOU MIGHT NOT BE AROUND FOR LONG. NO KIDS , NO CHILD SUPPORT, NO FAT PAY CHECK, JUST YOUR CATS AND MAYBE A NICE VIBRATOR.

10:11PM EDT04/29/99---Posted by Anonymous

BE GLAD THEY CAN APPRECIATE A NAKED WOMAN OR YOU MIGHT NOT BE AROUND FOR LONG. NO KIDS , NO CHILD SUPPORT, NO FAT PAY CHECK, JUST YOUR CATS AND MAYBE A NICE VIBRATOR.

10:12PM EDT04/29/99---Posted by Anonymous

BE GLAD THEY CAN APPRECIATE A NAKED WOMAN OR YOU MIGHT NOT BE AROUND FOR LONG. NO KIDS , NO CHILD SUPPORT, NO FAT PAY CHECK, JUST YOUR CATS AND MAYBE A NICE VIBRATOR.

10:12PM EDT04/29/99---Posted by Anonymous

Going through the same thing right now.Clicking on to his mail ran across porno. This leading me to his fav. folders. looking for more found 3 under hidden labels, such as fishin. I feel this is so inappropiate. I feel why look at someone else's body that you cannot have. Only to compare to your wife, Who cannot live up to the standards of perfect nude bodies. That are proped and airbrushed to profection. I explained to him that I married you,your the 1 to fullfill me to be their for sexual pleasure, not porno. And I respect that I choose to be w/ him I shouldn't need to be lookin else where.It also makes me feel compared reserved. If men have time to be lookin elsewhere then they surely have time to find their wives.

01:32AM EDT05/01/99---Posted by anonymous

I'm a 21 yr. old woman, who as a five month old son. My husband looks at pornography alot. I'd rather let my husband watch pornos than to go find pleasure somewhere alse. It actually increases our relationship, because we've been married a little over a year and yet we still get intimate everyday.

05:22PM EDT05/05/99---Posted by anonymous

No answers, just some questions placed here. I would like to know from all the defenders of porn, here the following questions: (1) Do you personally know or have read the biographies of any porn stars? (2) Do you know how many of them are victims of slave trades? (3) How many of them die or waste their lives from drug addictions? (4) What is their death rate from AIDS and other STDs and physical injuries? (5) Can you be running for public office and admit to the whole world the amount of time you spend each day/week etc. on enjoying porn on say, on a national telecast? (6) How would you feel if a porn recruiter came along and recruited your wife/girlfriend, or mother/father or sister/brother or daughter/son to act in these films or pose for these pictures and sometimes without their consent? These are questions just from my limited male perspective. I am sure some females can design even better ones.

01:30AM EDT05/06/99---Posted by holisic-view

huh?

06:17PM EDT05/07/99---Posted by Anonymous

huh?

06:18PM EDT05/07/99---Posted by Anonymous

My opinion is this:watching videos together, fantasy, role playing, etc. are all ways to add to your relatiohnship but not when its an obsession. This is my experience: I have been married to a wonderful man for 10 yrs. I am a smart sensual beautiful woman. My husband's background is a religious one where sexuality is sinful and wrong. I had felt neglected for a long time before I finally began going out with friends to clubs and such. I met a man who could not get enough of me. I was so overwhelmed by the attention and affection that an affair began. I was not looking to be unfaithdul, actually it is against everything that I thought I believed in. Eventually my husband found out (after it was over) it hurt him and our relationship deeply.Lucky for me, he is a good man. He decided that our family was worth fighting for.Unfortunately, a few months later, I happened to be on the computer and found some files that I didn't know what they were. They were porn sites that he had been going to. I cannot tell you how upset I was. I had been begging for a little of his time and attention - no wonder he hadn't been interested in me. The blow to my self esteem was great. He admitted to enjoying looking at women different than me. I have always taken great pride in my breasts which are lg the one thing that men have always admired but the man I love likes small. After 10 yrs I find this out. This is just a wake up call to men--IF YOUR PORN ADDICTION KEEPS YOU FORM PAYING REAL LIVE ATTENTION TO YOUR WOMAN, SHE WILL FIND IT ELSEWHERE. Women need to feel needed and wanted. (desired). It is part of how we see ourselves as women, wives, lovers etc.

05:44PM EDT05/10/99---Posted by Blondie

Burn them. I makes you wonder if there is something missing in you relationship. If you look now days a any magazine, book, or on TV, women are used a sex objects. I get tired of seeing it myself. Lust of the flesh is wrong in the first place. A lot a men look at the magazines just for the pleasure and that is it. If a man can inly be intimate with a magazine instead of his wife, they both need to get some help. It is not stress.

07:59PM EDT05/10/99---Posted by Anonymous

I also found my husband had been looking at free porn on the net. However, I myself use to watch porn videos at freinds house in high school and I have 1 hiding in my closet now. So having enjoyed the same thing...in a different media...and I know it did not affect me from loving my husband. I have not cared about what he does on the net and have never brought up the fact that I saw the sites he went to. However, I think if he were to actually communicate with live girls on the net , I would probably get quite upset. I guess that is where I draw the line, which he has never crossed.I am not a big believer of fantasy or role play, but I think a physical release may be all some men go for. In high school, I would definitely masturbate before exams and found that it calmed me down. I was an A student thru high school and college.

I also found my husband had been looking at free porn on the net. However, I myself use to watch porn videos at freinds house in high school and I have 1 hiding in my closet now. So having enjoyed the same thing...in a different media...and I know it did not affect me from loving my husband. I have not cared about what he does on the net and have never brought up the fact that I saw the sites he went to. However, I think if he were to actually communicate with live girls on the net , I would probably get quite upset. I guess that is where I draw the line, which he has never crossed.I am not a big believer of fantasy or role play, but I think a physical release may be all some men go for. In high school, I would definitely masturbate before exams and found that it calmed me down. I was an A student thru high school and college.

I also found my husband had been looking at free porn on the net. However, I myself use to watch porn videos at freinds house in high school and I have 1 hiding in my closet now. So having enjoyed the same thing...in a different media...and I know it did not affect me from loving my husband. I have not cared about what he does on the net and have never brought up the fact that I saw the sites he went to. However, I think if he were to actually communicate with live girls on the net , I would probably get quite upset. I guess that is where I draw the line, which he has never crossed.I am not a big believer of fantasy or role play, but I think a physical release may be all some men go for. In high school, I would definitely masturbate before exams and found that it calmed me down. I was an A student thru high school and college.

If men love & admire women so much why would they love to have women dress like a sluts(I have not filled that fanticy of his and never will)? That is also why men like porn so much. The woman is always pleasing the man looking like a slut at the same time. Looking stupid and uneducated I must ad. Don't you get it? Have you ever seen an educated, smart, well dressed, successful woman on a porn movie? No. Men are happy feeling they can dominate woman with their "little thing!" NOT! Men feel superior to women when they are watching porn, that is why they get turned on. They see the woman in the porn satisfing the man while the man has total and complete control over her. They love to dominate. When women allow men to dominate them the man gets a high of of it. By a woman allowing a man to dominate her she is allowing a man to have nothing but disrespect for her.

10:45AM EDT05/11/99---Posted by Anonymous

why do men accept a woman on their keyboard (harddisk)? get a password and no woman will have that pain again. i'd really get a divorce right away if i found out my wife was reading my mail.

12:05PM EDT05/11/99---Posted by Anonymous

First off, I agree with many of the opinions here that Dr. Mark is off-base. My husband too, hid his porno habit from me for many years. I discovered a tape he'd made, confronted him, and was met with defensiveness. That led to Internet porn and the tawdry magazines. I HATE this. I don't understand his need for this filth, which he would never dream of wanting to share with me, this being a "secret" matter for him. It has definately eroded our marriage. Rather, the lies, the deceit, the sneakiness, they are what have worked to destroy us. I have never seen such a response to this issue and am somewhat heartened to know that I am not alone in the belief that pornography is harmful to relationships. Only wish I had known about his habit before; never would've married the bugger if I had.

03:23PM EDT05/13/99---Posted by Stranded

First off, I agree with many of the opinions here that Dr. Mark is off-base. My husband too, hid his porno habit from me for many years. I discovered a tape he'd made, confronted him, and was met with defensiveness. That led to Internet porn and the tawdry magazines. I HATE this. I don't understand his need for this filth, which he would never dream of wanting to share with me, this being a "secret" matter for him. It has definately eroded our marriage. Rather, the lies, the deceit, the sneakiness, they are what have worked to destroy us. I have never seen such a response to this issue and am somewhat heartened to know that I am not alone in the belief that pornography is harmful to relationships. Only wish I had known about his habit before; never would've married the bugger if I had.

03:24PM EDT05/13/99---Posted by Stranded

Your professional opinion must be absolutely correct -- women never want sex for sex's sake, it has to be love or nothing. And women never feel the stress of having to support the family -- ever. Even though most men today actually feel you are not a real woman unless you are making more than they are and raising the kids and keep a perfect home, as well as look like a supermodel the whole time. Stop giving men excuses. I am so tired of "that's just the way they are" , "men are more visual". Trust me, I've been married for 10 years and I feel just as attracted to good looking men as my husband can possibly be to women, and also trust me, when I haven't gotten laid in a few days, I have fantasies about guys walking down the street. Does that mean I search out porno sites and magazines and strip joints with male strippers? NO. It means I pay more attention to my husband and spice up our sex life together, no other women or men included. Marriage is about exclusivity, about having a relationship together, as a couple, without interference ruining the intimacy level. If men can't figure that out, THEY SHOULDN'T BE MARRIED.

06:59PM EDT05/14/99---Posted by Anonymous

Join him in his self exploration of sexuality and you will learn how to please him more, maybe to the point of eliminating the need to "complete one's self" with visual aid. Let nothing come between you... by calmly accepting the changes and going foreward to new levels of intimacy. Nobody knows better how to "get off" than the individual and you can't learn how to help another do this without participating. When you feel that it is an attack on your self esteem, you are simply standing behind your own wall of denial. It is the same thing that happens when one person in a relationship refuses to communicate. It takes two to tango and if you aren't dancing with him he will look elsewhere.

11:23AM EDT05/18/99---Posted by Anonymous

I also have a problem with my husband wanting to watch porn & look at the magazines, etc. But the problem I have is MY problem. I have gained some weight since we've been married & I don't feel attractive enough for him, although he swears he loves me just the way I am, but I look at those girls in & I used to have that perfect body naturally. So, I've decided that since I know he loves me no matter how I look, it is ME that he's comming to bed with, not any of those girls. He's also real good about playing out my fantasies with me. We are very open with eachother in the bedroom & I just don't let myself think that he may be thinking of those other women. And if he is thinking about them, boy are they ever missing out on what he does with & to me! We came to an agreement that we watch them together or not at all. It works for us, but I can't throw a fit when he does want to watch them, and he tends to watch less & less. Mabey it's because he doesn't feel like he's doing something "wrong" that he could get into "trouble" with it. I think that took some of the thrill out of it. Because, let's face it, if he wanted anyone else, he wouldn't be with me & I'm sure that's how your man is. They're going to do it either behind your back, or with you if that's the agreement you come to, but if he want's to do it badly enough, you won't stop it, he'll just hide it or hide it better. Try to watch it, & mabey try some things you see in it, you may be surprised to find that you like them, too! And, as for hiding it from the kids, do you have sex in front of them? You're already hiding things from them & they'll never know. I personally want my parents to keep some things hidden from me & visa-versa. Think about it!

03:56PM EDT05/18/99---Posted by Anonymous

my husband also would rather look at porn then go to bed with me i feel hurt and dirty i cant stand him to touch me after he has been on the net looking at porn our sex life is crap and he wont talk to me i cant live like this much longer

07:39PM EDT05/18/99---Posted by nel

my husband also would rather look at porn then go to bed with me i feel hurt and dirty i cant stand him to touch me after he has been on the net looking at porn our sex life is crap and he wont talk to me i cant live like this much longer

07:40PM EDT05/18/99---Posted by nel

I get sick to my stomach when I read men bashing women here. You guys do not have all the answers. My husband was the most perfect, loving, moral male I had ever met. We worshipped each other and were each others best friend. He stated 3 years ago that he would never have the Internet in his house because of the filth on it. I pushed for the computer so my step-son could use it for school. I would have bet my life that my husband would never get caught up in this obsession/addiction. I was mortified to learn that he was. Now he sneaks and lies to me. I would not have a problem with the porn if it was just used as a past time. I am a good wife and person. I cook, clean, wash clothes, and mother his son as my own. I am attractive, but this doesn't matter anymore. He is so caught up in this fantasy world that everything in the real world is mundane. It has taken over his life and there is no reaching him. I deserve the love he gave me prior to the net porn. I have gone through hell and back trying to please and reach the man I used to know. I have done nothing to deserve this. I used to have the utmost respect for him. That is gone and it hurts. I don't mind when he looks at other women, it's just that since the porn, he wants nothing to do with me. I DID NOT CAUSE THIS. Some of you men may feel like you can blame your partner. That is not always the case. We had fantastic sex before he got into the porn. This is why I feel that it is an addiction. There was no love greater than ours and if this is possible with my husband, it is possible for anyone. Love to all of you women that are enduring this pain. We can never know what it's like to be a man, but we do know the pain that any addiction can do to destroy love. This is one of them. I will never be convinced otherwise no matter how many excuses I hear from men. I wouldn't dream of doing anything that remotely hurt my husband or the vows we took. He used to feel the same way. I was not the person who changed my thinking!

09:50PM EDT05/18/99---Posted by Anonymous

I get sick to my stomach when I read men bashing women here. You guys do not have all the answers. My husband was the most perfect, loving, moral male I had ever met. We worshipped each other and were each others best friend. He stated 3 years ago that he would never have the Internet in his house because of the filth on it. I pushed for the computer so my step-son could use it for school. I would have bet my life that my husband would never get caught up in this obsession/addiction. I was mortified to learn that he was. Now he sneaks and lies to me. I would not have a problem with the porn if it was just used as a past time. I am a good wife and person. I cook, clean, wash clothes, and mother his son as my own. I am attractive, but this doesn't matter anymore. He is so caught up in this fantasy world that everything in the real world is mundane. It has taken over his life and there is no reaching him. I deserve the love he gave me prior to the net porn. I have gone through hell and back trying to please and reach the man I used to know. I have done nothing to deserve this. I used to have the utmost respect for him. That is gone and it hurts. I don't mind when he looks at other women, it's just that since the porn, he wants nothing to do with me. I DID NOT CAUSE THIS. Some of you men may feel like you can blame your partner. That is not always the case. We had fantastic sex before he got into the porn. This is why I feel that it is an addiction. There was no love greater than ours and if this is possible with my husband, it is possible for anyone. Love to all of you women that are enduring this pain. We can never know what it's like to be a man, but we do know the pain that any addiction can do to destroy love. This is one of them. I will never be convinced otherwise no matter how many excuses I hear from men. I wouldn't dream of doing anything that remotely hurt my husband or the vows we took. He used to feel the same way. I was not the person who changed my thinking!

09:51PM EDT05/18/99---Posted by Anonymous

I am in agreement with many of the women who have posted here. While I am in no way prudish, I too find the secret sex fests sickening. I agree that a little porn can be a healthy thing if thats what one needs. But if it comes between a man and a woman and the love they share, then it goes beyond casual entertainment. Sadly, Ive lost both faith and respect for the one I love. It doesnt make him a bad person in any way. It just makes him a person I can do without. Im tired of feeling neglected. Tired of not 'measuring up' Its makes me think Im the one with the problem and I constantly torture myself with feelings of inadequacy. Men need to wake up!! Theres a time and a place for this. Being in a serious relationship with a woman who feels she isnt worthy, is NOT the time or place. Perhaps they will realize that when they go to reach for us, and we're not there. Sad but realistic

11:35PM EDT05/18/99---Posted by Ready To Call It Quits

In so many of the letters on this board, I've seen women say that their mates addiction to porn has led to a decrease in sexual activity. Be grateful! I would find it much better to not have sex at all, than to have sex and feel that I'm simply being used to recreate some fantasy that my husband has seen in a video.

12:58AM EDT05/20/99---Posted by Anonymous

I am married and totally alone. I am a professional working woman, attractive and run a home. My husband is and has been addicted to porn for a long time. He keeps promising to stop and says it's harmless, yet I am not even 40 and have no sex life, no husband and no love in my life. I've lost my husband to porn--the magazines, videos and now the net. He doesn't understand that when he spends time with these pictures, he's giving up time with me. I am totally ignored and have tried everything to regain his attention, including all the lingerie, etc. He prefers the porn. No real live woman could ever compete with a magazine or web site, so now I'm torn between trying to find my husband again or letting him live the rest of his life in a dark room alone with his pictures.

02:11AM EDT05/22/99---Posted by tammy

Yeah, I've read all what has been said about men and their "addiction"... It's well known, that men commit "adultry" in their mind and soon they do it with a real street-walker or cheap bar fly (when they say they have to work longer). Being raised catholic with real liberal attitute, I still won't watch pornos or even being near a you know what. It is discriminating to a decent and honest woman who works her butt of so her man has food on the table, and still being treated like crab, and yet they seem to ignore the fact that we should be paid to be beautiful and be able to have the money and time (a whole day every day)to take care of ourselves. Yet we have to work full time and also at home and for the children, while they kick back on the recliner with a bottle of beer when they walk through that door. Then they wonder why we don't have the urge to spread after all the daily stress and emotional abuse.How are we ever able to satisfy ourselves? When we can not do that, we can not satisfy anybody else... Well, the thing is: if anybody brings porn into my house, he will be thrown out - period! I have no understanding for prostitution on the steets or film. Only men make excuses for all that trash (as Clinton did...). I feel that women do have the power to put their foot down, and if that guy don't want to give it up for her, then he is not worth it... I have encountered similiar situations and dropped each and everyone of those "guys". And I have been very comfortable with this, because I was able to encounter a "new frontier" and not wasting my time with pain, dissapointments ans low esteeme... I am married now and my hubby knows how I feel about this situation. If he "thinks" he needs "this", I also will show him the door and close it behind him forever. Yes, it is a painfull encounter and men are very insensitive when it comes to our sexuality. But all macos out there think they have the right to treat their wifes like second class and whores like queens. It's time to consider this a little deeper and closer "Machos", you will grow old and brittle and then who will take care of you: a whore, a porno or your mate?

I am a man who finally realized that porn (even the mild stuff like PLayboy) is bad for a marriage...period. Any man who looks at pornography regularly has a problem...period. That little innocent fantasy IS taking away from the true intimacy that can only exist in an honest, and truly committed marriage. Speaking from my prior firsthand knowledge, I could use the pornography, and then also be close to my wife (ex wife now), but that closeness was lessened by the emotional games that porn plays on the mind. Denial of the mind games or tricks that porn plays, is a sign that the man is not aware of the power that porn can have in destroying relationships. True love means that you are totally open and honest with your partner, and that you put their needs above your own. A man who refuses to rid his life of pornography is failing to hold up his end of the marriage. No intelligent counselor would ever tell anyone that porn/erotica is good for a marriage. I finally learned my lesson, and for once in my life, the sex is better than it ever has been in my life. The only woman I see naked is my wife, and that makes me appreciate her even more. To me she looks every bit as good as she did when we were married (maybe even better) but she thinks she looks worse. Looking only at her has made our lives better and better. Grow up guys, and take responsibility for improving your marriage. The world needs real men.

Universal truth: If you're getting what you want at home with your partner, you have no reason to roam. If exclusive use of porn is a problem it is not his or hers, it is thiers.

02:53PM EDT06/04/99---Posted by Anonymous

Like so many of those women, I too have a porn addicted husband. He masterbates to very young females with white skin. We are African-American. This hurts me so much, and we argue about it quite frequently. He says I need to grow up, because he married the woman he wants. Yet he doesnot seem to understand how much this hurts me. He refuses to discuss the issue with me because he feels it is a waste of time. He also says he doesn't want a white or asian woman or he would have married one. I can't compete with these porn-teens and I always feel as though he is thinking about them. He will give me sex if I want it, but most of the time I'm initiating it. I'm sick of this and it's on my mind all the time. I am too ashamed to tell anyone. What can I do? He says he pays the bills and buys me anything I want. He feels any woman in my position would be so greatful and not make a big deal out of this. Please help.

One night I came home and found my boyfriend looking at pornography on-line. As soon as he went to bed, I got up and did a search for "naked men". As you can imagine I had many hours worth of viewing model perfect male bodies. He didn't like it at all.... men have the same insecurities we have... try a little turn about. It may not cure the behavior, but when you are laying in bed wondering what model he's thinking about, he can think about which model you're thinking about. Then if he complains you can explain that it's just a harmless stress relief for you. Maybe then he'll be ready to see your point of view....

10:28PM EDT06/07/99---Posted by Anonymous

I want to know if Porn Mags lead to wanting threesomes. My husband fantasizes there's another woman with us EVERY time we have sex lately. I play along and sometimes I like it, but I really think he actually wants this to happen. It's freaking me out.,We've talked about this and he says he likes that I'm nervous and jealous because it shows how much i love him.

04:16AM EDT06/08/99---Posted by HELP

I can't speak for all men, but this is me... I love my wife. She and her well-being mean more to me than anyone or anything. For a couple of different reasons we aren't doing so well. I have looked at pornography to do one thing: relieve stress and experiment. She has ever been all that sexual, I can only theorize why. Just as some have written above, it was -- as I saw it -- a harmless way to give myself peace of mind without "harrassing" my wife. Again, for a couple reasons she became colders and colder and eventually I looked at the internet stuff at my house -- as discreetly as possible. She found out and was terrified by it. I tried to explain it to her, but to no avail. So I promised to stop looking at it at home, and I did. But the damage was done. I have to say that most of us men who have done this love our wives and do this specifically so we do NOT fantasize or undress every woman we see. When I was with my wife, there was no other image or thought -- just how I best can give pleasure to my wife. There is only one woman we want to be truly intimate with. Without telling you all how to run your marriage/relationship, just listen to your man see if his actions follow what he says. He probably loves you.

08:48PM EDT06/10/99---Posted by Me

One more thought about what I said above: If you want him to stop -- actually what it would take for me to stop-- is four actions on your part: One, GENTLY confront your man. I had an inkling that it would be at least uncomfortable for my wife. Also, if you come on strong you're more likely to get a stronger defensive reaction. He's also probably embarrassed if he thinks you don't know or don't mind it. Two, tell him how it makes you feel in no uncertain terms. Three, listen very well to what he says as to why he does it and what he thinks would help him stop. Four, watch what he does days and weeks afterward, remembering that he may very well have a strong (addictive) habit here and he does want to please you -- and NOT hurt you. Don't think of this as babying or coddling, but more as tender and supportive.

09:18PM EDT06/10/99---Posted by Me again

I think the issue here is respect...i see pornography as filth, but that aside, he says he loves you. But he shows a lack of respect by not considering your wishes... personally i would bring up this issue and ask him what he would think if you or your daughter posed and had random men drooling over you the way he does the other ladies....ill bet he hasnt thought of that. remind him that those women are someones sister, daughter or wife....my boyfreind used to use porn too and this is how i dealt with it. and spiritually, if this concerns you and you share his faith, perhaps you may want to talk to your spiritual leader for guidance on how to deal with this....Good Luck.

11:10PM EDT06/10/99---Posted by ShannonC

I'm confused. I understand Porn can be "healthy" at times, but what happens when promises are made and the porn is hid and then you are lied to? My Very recent fiance looks at porn but then denies it to my face. I'm very open about sex and wouldn't be SO hurt if he was honest. I've caught him 2x's and known he's doing it still, but still feels the need to hide it.I even told him i'll look at the sites with him but it never happens. How do you live with someone who proposes to you but feels the need to hide things? I've tried to talk to him (no arguing) but he doesn't see this as a problem or something wrong. I told him i don't want any promises made because i know he won't keep it, but if i walk in on him 1 more time i'm gone. The humiliation is just too much to bear. Any suggestions on how to get him to open up would be appreicated as I love him.

10:38AM EDT06/12/99---Posted by Anonymous

I'm confused. I understand Porn can be "healthy" at times, but what happens when promises are made and the porn is hid and then you are lied to? My Very recent fiance looks at porn but then denies it to my face. I'm very open about sex and wouldn't be SO hurt if he was honest. I've caught him 2x's and known he's doing it still, but still feels the need to hide it.I even told him i'll look at the sites with him but it never happens. How do you live with someone who proposes to you but feels the need to hide things? I've tried to talk to him (no arguing) but he doesn't see this as a problem or something wrong. I told him i don't want any promises made because i know he won't keep it, but if i walk in on him 1 more time i'm gone. The humiliation is just too much to bear. Any suggestions on how to get him to open up would be appreicated as I love him.

10:37AM EDT06/12/99---Posted by Sharon

He keeps his eyes open while we're "bumpin' uglies," he wants sex with me everyday, he grabs me in the kitchen and he also likes porn. I love being the object of his desire. It's good for our marriage.

03:55PM EDT06/12/99---Posted by Happy

i don't know if anyone cares to read my opinion but here it is. i know my issues with my boyfriend looking at porn stem from my lack of self esteem. it's weird because i don't have a problem with the movies. i don't mind if we watch it together. what i don't like is the hours he spends when i'm not here looking at porn pics and adding to his already huge collection of files. All of those women are so much prettier than me and all i can think of is that he's thinking of those women when he's with me. the reason being is because he only looks at them when i'm not around... like he's sneaking around. he told me "it's not the women it's the act." before we started dating i knew he was into porn. I didn't really have a problem with it because i enjoy it too. but i didn't know to the extent that he'd look at it. well anyways, i finally told him exactly how i felt. and i asked him how he would feel if i looked at pics of hot naked men every time he wasn't around how that would make him feel. i think he finally got the picture. i don't know if he's still looking at the sites or not. I guess it's not important. but i feel like i can't trust him because of this (there is more involved that i'm telling here) hopefully, i'll be able to move past this because i do feel that part of it is my problem as well.. if i was more secure it probably wouldn't bother me. thanks for giving me a forum to get this off my chest.

Fine if you like both that kind of thing. If one of you doesn't though, respect for the other person's feelings should stop you visiting sites or watching films. If they won't stop they either don't care about your feelings, and therefore aren't worth being with, or are addicted and need help. My guy went through a long period where he stayed up for hours and hours looking at this. When I found out I went ape and he has stopped because it hurt me, even though he admitted it was addictive. I know he still occasionally lapses but I can handle the odd occasion, just not every night! Our personal life bad, and my self esteem vanished. I am a good looking v. slim with waist length black hair, so please don't use the "I'm not good looking therefore he needs it as an excuse" it goes deeper than that!

01:07PM EDT06/14/99---Posted by Anonymous

My husband is not willing to give up his magazines. He actually pouted and said, "I can't believe you want me to stop masterbating and looking at these magazines...I've been jacking off since i was a kid!" How could i ask him to stop? Poor guy. But hey, since i mentioned it he's been more attentive to my needs.

03:16AM EDT06/17/99---Posted by BangingBlissfully

I don't think its right or wroung. I feel that couples need to comunicate more with each other. Espacily about sex because sharing ones self with the person you love is the greatest experience you could have in my opinion. If it bothers you that much. Then you should confront him. But try to understand why he watches it. Maybe in those videos the girls do things that maybe you don't do. (i don't know) But talking things out never hurts.

10:49PM EDT06/18/99---Posted by Lori

I will make a suggestion that may sound strange, but it worked for me. Try sharing the pornography with him, let him know which women, positions etc you may want to try, which women you think he should find attractive, suggest that you dress as the women he is viewing. Also try asking him why he finds cetain women attractive and others not. Mine wasn't quite as enthusiastic about it when I was making comments and asking questions. Good luck!

12:24AM EDT06/20/99---Posted by Anonymous

My opinion is complicated, because I do believe that both women and men face stress in this world. I do not believe that the world is harder for men than women. And I do not believe that the world is harder for women than men. The sad thing is, I see men and women hurt each other every day in ways that people should never hurt one another. To get back to the issue of pornography, my brother got into pornography in his teens and molested me for four years, acting out his sex fantasies. Both of my parents were divorced and my mother watched porn movies and then would have affairs with married men and make fun of their wives when she saw how much she and her boy friends hurt their wives. Currently, I have been engaged to a special woman for six months and have dated her for three years. We are both Christians and we both experience a great deal of stress in the world. We love each other dearly, but neither of us believes in pornography. Both of us relieve our stress in our study of the bible, which teaches that no matter how badly people treat us, or how much we fail, God loves us any way. Another thing I must say is that a very great number of men do not relieve frustration through masturbation or pornography. In fact, many men relieve stress in more constructive ways. Some love to hike, to spend time reading a book (and I do not mean a porn book or a book with sex in it) or a news paper. In my case I like to volunteer my time with small children. I currently teach Sunday school to first graders and love each of these children dearly. The best piece of advice I can offer is that it is well known that women need the man in their life to tell them he loves them, need him to hold her. As a man, I can say that men need this same thing. Society does not talk about how much a man needs to hear the words 'I love you', or to have someone hold him. But men and women both need to be held by their spouses and hear the words 'I love you', and know that they are loved. In so many ways, holding someone and being held relieves so much stress, because often the worst part about stress is the fear of failure. Having a place where we can find understanding, and give that understanding in return helps to deal with stress. For a lot of men, there is a special bond to his kids and a deep heart felt love for his wife. For a lot of women, there is also a special bond to her children and a deep love for her husband. For all the differences between men and women, this is one place where common ground can be found. The problem is, that there are many marriages where a man shows no interest in his kids and neglects his wife. There are also many marriages where women neglect their spouses and children, as well. My mother was one of these women. My half brother's father was a man who neglected his wife and children. This is deeply saddening. Finally, I'd like to say to the woman who wrote to Dr. Mark that she is right to be concerned about her husband's porn habit. He needs help before his problem progresses toward more destructive behavior. There are documented cases where pornography has led to violence, rape, and a general direspect of other people a humans. In my brother's case, he became a child molester. The other problem I see is the example porn watching sets for children. If Mom or Dad indulge in pornography, somewhere the children may find out and then what kind of example does that set? One criticism I have of pornography comes from the things my brother used to tell me he'd seen in the movies he watched while he raped me. He would describe scenes where a doctor would have a woman drugged and chained to a bed and then would give her a drug that would wake her up so that she would be conscious while he had sex with her against her will. This is only one example of the sick things he described to me about the movies he watched. I have to point out what an insult it is for Dr. Mark to say that for men, pornography and masturbation are a normal way to relieve stress. As a man, I find pornography revolting and disgusting and have never used porn as a stress reliever. If there are a lot of people using porn as a stress reliever, it is because society condones it, and individuals choose to indulge in it by their own choice. The rest of this stuff about porn being a stress reliever is just excuses for saying that this type of perversion is normal.

08:44PM EDT06/22/99---Posted by Bryce

Get over it!! Insecurity run amok in these postings. Women it's not you its the way "they" are wired. I dont like porn it does nothing for me. However,my husband is a totally different story. We've been married for two years. He has a pretty big collection of smut. He enjoys masterbating.He also enjoys making love to me regularly. I never compare myself to the PORN there's no comparrison! I'm real and they're fake so to speak. He doesn't cheat and he's an excelent lover. We dont have children so that's not an issue. I say live and let live. Porn isn't my cup of tea but I'm not destroying a perfectly good relationship because of it. Recenlty he said that he's thinking of getting rid of it. No coaxing from me. Note:For those of you who are suffering with this problem. Hypersexuality in my oppinion is the result of other deep lying issues find those and maybe you can get your man to make love to you more often than to himself...

04:05PM EDT06/25/99---Posted by acceptance

I find this question very tellng regarding the state of our society. Porn caused my brother and my father to not only mastrabate but to seek sexual gratification from me! I hate what it encouraged. I hate the scares it has left. Porn reaches far beyond what ones sees. It reaches to what one does.

06:34PM EDT06/25/99---Posted by wounded by porn

There certainly are varied opinions about the use of porn. I've used it for years out of necessity because my wife does not like sex. I was interested to hear Dr. Joy Brown (a radio psychologist) recommend to a young woman who called, that a good way to spark up her sex life with her husband would be to rent an x-rated movie that the two of them could enjoy. I know from personal experience that when my wife watches an x-rated movie with me, she really gets in the mood, and we have great, hot sex. But, she has refused to watch with me for the last couple of years because of religious reasons. Too bad. I feel really lonely and left out of her life as we hardly ever have sex now.

01:48AM EDT06/27/99---Posted by Anonymous

There certainly are varied opinions about the use of porn. I've used it for years out of necessity because my wife does not like sex. I was interested to hear Dr. Joy Brown (a radio psychologist) recommend to a young woman who called, that a good way to spark up her sex life with her husband would be to rent an x-rated movie that the two of them could enjoy. I know from personal experience that when my wife watches an x-rated movie with me, she really gets in the mood, and we have great, hot sex. But, she has refused to watch with me for the last couple of years because of religious reasons. Too bad. I feel really lonely and left out of her life as we hardly ever have sex now.

01:50AM EDT06/27/99---Posted by Anonymous

03:55PM EDT06/27/99---Posted by Anonymous

I am a 23 year old female who disagrees greatly with Dr. Marks response. My fiance use to look at porn magazines and it hurt our relationship alot. I felt that I needed to live up to the way those computer edited women in those magazines looked. Eventhough he said he loved me not those women. It is mentally stressful and depressing to feel that you are not good enough.

09:19AM EDT06/28/99---Posted by Anonymous

HAHAHAHAHAAAAA

11:43AM EDT06/28/99---Posted by Anonymous

I think if someone were to step back and look at all the strong opinions being expressed here-- all the problems caused by pornography and the resulting selfish behavior it cultivates, one could plainly see that, on the whole it is wrong. God did not make us to be selfish in the matter of sex. Most pornography perverts the sex act and takes away all the beauty and awesome power of love sex can create. If you know someone who habitually uses porn, persuade them to stop this devastating habit.

03:42PM EDT06/29/99---Posted by Anonymous

It amazes me in this day and age how we get skyscrapes, roads, business deals, and homes built, all things in this world that involve brains and talent when most of the people that accomplish these things are men. When it seems to me that all they care about is getting their rocks off, and easy accessible porn makes it sooo much worse. Most men are intelligent and compassionate, but how can they live such dual lives. WHY do they need sex so much? I mean, I love sex, and get it all time, anytime I want, but it doesn't control my life, or destroy it either. If they want it that much, I wonder how a man even walks down the street without boning every female that stands upright. Why do they think that they have the right to look at other naked woman, when they are spoken for? I think that I speak for a lot of women (even strippers,etc.) that when a man (old, bald,fat) looks at you in sexual way, that it makes you want to puke. I wish they would realize that it doesn't make you feel sexy or wanted, it makes you feel like taking a shower! What happened to self control and having respect for God's creations.

04:42PM EDT06/30/99---Posted by Lauren

The reason that he watches porn alot is because he feels that the women in the relationship is controlling the sex.He feel that she give it to him when she ready. So to stop that he masterbates using the porn to prove that he dont need her to have an orgasim.If the women would give him sex when ever he wanted instead of giving him sex when she wanted it.He would stop watching porns

09:33PM EDT06/30/99---Posted by Anonymous

OK--I have never seen a message board that hit home so much with me. I am a beautiful 22 year old who recently married and recently got pregnant. When I got engaged to this man, he offered to give up his porn stuff because he said he wouldn't need it anymore...he was happy to do it. Just after our marriage, I discovered his addiction....not just occasional stuff here. We have had endless discussions about it and I have even tried to be very accepting of it. However, the truth remains that our sex life is suffering. I wish he would let me please him. we are both very good looking people, so that is not the issue. He is having an identity crisis now, and I have no idea of what to do. I am six months pregnant with our soon to be daughter. He is isolating me and I have no where to turn. I have tried to be acceppting......help!

11:44AM EDT07/01/99---Posted by Anonymous

In response to the Anonymous post at 9:33 EDT 6/30/99-- You said the man watches porn because he's lying to himself that he doesn't need a woman to get off, then what the hell to you think he's watching in the porno? A dog? Unless he's a faggot, it's a woman or child! So, he does need a woman to get off, right? If he didn't, all of these woman wouldn't have this problem. A question for all you men out there that sit in front of the porno screen for hours -- Doesn't all the tits and ass sorta run together after awhile? I mean exactly how many times does a man need to jack off in one sitting? All I'm saying is, when a man starts seeing just the parts of women, instead of a person, they are sooo far gone that they should be locked up. If your a woman that has one of these men, you need to show them the door, and never look back, especially if you have kids. I wish I lived in 1956, but it wasn't any different then, just talked about less. Even centuries ago men that sailed huge ships for long periods of time would put little boys on them so that would have a hole to get off in. I mean, men have always been like this. No wonder Satan is male, it's not a far stretch. They will never change, the only person you can change is yourself and your surrondings.

02:17PM EDT07/01/99---Posted by Lauren

I think its wrong when they have to lie to you about it, and hide it, and even when confronted lie about it, to your face. Same thing goes for tit bars. I would rather know up front if that is the plans he has, rather than find out later from someone else and then him still deny it. Also if you find other womens phone numbers, I would say that is included in the not acceptable, because he is extending it to the real world, and regardless of if he uses it or not, he was there, he got it, he thought about it. I don't buy the, "I did it in front of the guys" kind of thing, or the "I didn't want to be rude" thing. And why is it, women don't need porns and magazines to masturbate, they dont need to see a live dancer stripping to get off? JMHO.

12:26PM EDT07/02/99---Posted by shelle

If an individual is a compulsive masterbater or must have porn in their lives, I believe they may be sexual addicts. There are as many reasons for becoming a sexual addict as there are people, but personally I do think it has to do with the amount of stress people have to deal with and are unable to share or communicate their feelings to their mates. This may lead to feelings of inadequacy, fear, resentment and guilt for the person with the sexual addiction. Both men and women have the right to be intimate and do whatever it is that pleasures them, but only if it is not a problem for the partner, if it is, then the other partner should not attempt to force their own sexual needs on their partner---that is wrong! Clear, open communication is a good starting point, but I also disagree with Dr. Mark's opinion that masterbation it just something men do, so as not to make their wives feel as they are being used. Why not bring the subject out into the open rather than in a secret hiding place? Discuss it openly, how else will one know how their mate feels about such matters, if they don't discuss them? Perhaps, if we discussed issues like this more openly and communicate more truthfully with one another, the divorce rate might drop a little. We all just need to learn how to talk to one another more effectively, but even more, we need to learn how to LISTEN to our partners when they speak. By doing this we are showing them respect and love, how can they not react to these strong wonderful offering of acceptance of at least being heard?

12:51AM EDT07/03/99---Posted by ElenaT99

I think porn is just an excuse for a man not to have a warm, giving relationship with his wife or girlfriend. I have been with my husband for 8 years now. The porn has been getting so frequent that he wants me to act out the things he sees on the screen. I'm not bisexual, but he wants to pick up women for me and bring them home. I refused to do that, but I can't tell you how much it hurts and how devistated I am. I know when he is in bed with me he is fantasizing about being with someone else, probably 2 other someone elses. As a matter of fact he makes me talk about it while we are having sex. Making me say what he dreams about, he cant get off any other way. So, the dr is full of sh_t. Porno only hurts women. We cant even define what's sexy for oursevles, it's already been done, by men like my husband. He doesnt care that I would never dream of asking him to be with another man to satisfy me. He only knows what turns him on.

03:39AM EDT07/06/99---Posted by Linda

I think porn is just an excuse for a man not to have a warm, giving relationship with his wife or girlfriend. I have been with my husband for 8 years now. The porn has been getting so frequent that he wants me to act out the things he sees on the screen. I'm not bisexual, but he wants to pick up women for me and bring them home. I refused to do that, but I can't tell you how much it hurts and how devistated I am. I know when he is in bed with me he is fantasizing about being with someone else, probably 2 other someone elses. As a matter of fact he makes me talk about it while we are having sex. Making me say what he dreams about, he cant get off any other way. So, the dr is full of sh_t. Porno only hurts women. We cant even define what's sexy for oursevles, it's already been done, by men like my husband. He doesnt care that I would never dream of asking him to be with another man to satisfy me. He only knows what turns him on.

03:50AM EDT07/06/99---Posted by Linda

I CAN SEE THE WIFES POINT OF VIEW.. I COULD HANDLE WATCHING THE PORN TOGETHER . BUT HIS POINT OF VIEW IS WHO CARES.. AND IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL INADEQUATE,AND YOU DO LOOSE YOUR SELF RESPECT.. AND THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY, THEY SEE NO PROBLEM WITH IT. THEY SAY GROW UP. AND YES IT DOES RUIN A MARRIAGE..THE HUSBAND DOESN'T SEE OR UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM .. HE DOESN'T WANT TO. (HE'LL SAY YOU TRY IT. YOU'LL LIKE IT. AFRAID NOT (JUST LIKE SEX CHAT).. IT ALL STINKS.

09:19PM EDT07/07/99---Posted by TINA

I CAN SEE THE WIFES POINT OF VIEW.. I COULD HANDLE WATCHING THE PORN TOGETHER . BUT HIS POINT OF VIEW IS WHO CARES.. AND IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL INADEQUATE,AND YOU DO LOOSE YOUR SELF RESPECT.. AND THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY, THEY SEE NO PROBLEM WITH IT. THEY SAY GROW UP. AND YES IT DOES RUIN A MARRIAGE..THE HUSBAND DOESN'T SEE OR UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM .. HE DOESN'T WANT TO. (HE'LL SAY YOU TRY IT. YOU'LL LIKE IT. AFRAID NOT (JUST LIKE SEX CHAT).. IT ALL STINKS.

09:20PM EDT07/07/99---Posted by TINA

Stress is just an excuse for selfishness. If stress is an issue in men's life then why not try physical exercise. As a man I can relieve stress with a swim or running without hurting my wife. To those wives and girlfriends who feel the pressure to compromise and give in to their fellas selfishness, do not give in. Stick to your guns. Love always thinks of others first. If my desires ever exceeds my wife's then the problem is with me, not her. Men need to stop blaming others for their lack of self-control. Men today worship at the temple of pornography and sacrifice thier family and loved ones on the alter. May God help us.

09:43AM EDT07/10/99---Posted by a concerned husband

I've been married 11yrs & have 2 children. My husband has attended Sex & Love Addicts Anon. for 6months now & goes to a private counselor weekly in order to help his addiction only after I caught him having phone sex continually after I'd go to sleep,as well as setting up a hotline to meet people locally & also chatting on ICQ and masturbating with multiple women as well as setting up places and times to meet them & also exchanges pics of each other. We both had affairs 7 yrs. &amp;amp;amp; decided to forgive & forget & made a promise to never indulge that way again. He did it again 4 yrs. ago & we separated for 4 mons. & he moved back in & all seemed fine until 6mos. ago when I caught him doing the things I mentioned before. Just last Friday nite, I once again caught him in the cybersex act again on ICQ & told him our marriage is over & there is no love left. I've felt little self worth & am fed completely up. I like porn myself & masturbate alone too, but I never seem to be enough for him and I do not trust him in the least bit & know I never will. It is HIS illness & not one I feel the need to babysit any longer. I've given up & told him to move out immediately! Good luck to you women out there who are strong enough to live miserably forever. I'm 35, attractive and need/want to know what it's like to be happy again, for myself & my kids.

I've been married 11yrs & have 2 children. My husband has attended Sex & Love Addicts Anon. for 6months now & goes to a private counselor weekly in order to help his addiction only after I caught him having phone sex continually after I'd go to sleep,as well as setting up a hotline to meet people locally & also chatting on ICQ and masturbating with multiple women as well as setting up places and times to meet them & also exchanges pics of each other. We both had affairs 7 yrs. &amp;amp;amp; decided to forgive & forget & made a promise to never indulge that way again. He did it again 4 yrs. ago & we separated for 4 mons. & he moved back in & all seemed fine until 6mos. ago when I caught him doing the things I mentioned before. Just last Friday nite, I once again caught him in the cybersex act again on ICQ & told him our marriage is over & there is no love left. I've felt little self worth & am fed completely up. I like porn myself & masturbate alone too, but I never seem to be enough for him and I do not trust him in the least bit & know I never will. It is HIS illness & not one I feel the need to babysit any longer. I've given up & told him to move out immediately! Good luck to you women out there who are strong enough to live miserably forever. I'm 35, attractive and need/want to know what it's like to be happy again, for myself & my kids.

if your behavior(whatever it is) hurts the person you love then IT IS NOT OKAY end of story.

07:19PM EDT07/11/99---Posted by Anonymous

I have just read every piece of feedback everybody here has offered, and I am amazed that not ONE of you has mentioned how much damage the women's movement has had on our personal relationships. I am a woman, and I believe in being treated with the same amount of respect from a man that he would show to any other man, but all you women out there who have given up your God-given right to require love from a man before giving him sex have SPOILED men sexually--that's why men now feel free to be immature, irresponsible children and to NEVER grow up! Some of you with strong religious beliefs have come close to hitting the nail on the head, but not quite. In a marriage, the man's motivation in marrying a woman in the first place is FOR LOVE, and FOR NO OTHER REASON (although, of course, sex is an implied part of the package). We are ALL sexual by nature, (and believe me, I'm just as sexual as any man, in fact I would venture to say even more so than the average man), but once either partner reduces sex to the level of pornography, LOVE has flown out the window. This whole issue is so fundamental--I think we all know the story of Adam and Eve. You might recall that God created Eve "as Adam's helpmeet(mate)". Think about it--who's giving the help, and who's receiving the help? Adam's receiving, and Eve is giving, right? Then it follows that Eve is the one with greater knowledge, whose job it is to share it with Adam. What is this knowledge Eve has? She has a greater sense of SPIRITUALITY, which is what love (or God) is all about. If she loves Adam enough and respects him enough to teach him IN A LOVING, RESPECTFUL WAY how to be more loving and spiritual, he will respond positively and want to be more loving to her. When he starts treating her with more love and respect, she is NATURALLY motivated to want to be more sexual with him. That's just the way it works, folks, like it or not. Add that kind of love to an open, honest and healthy sex life, and it is virtually impossible to find better sex anywhere. That's what the Gospel is all about. God wants us all to not only be happy, but to find the ultimate level of happiness we could find with each other. This is the formula for doing it. Unfortunately, respect between the sexes has all but been destroyed because of all the mud-slinging going on between the sexes. Some of you might not want to hear this, but it's part of the woman's role to teach a man to be more loving and spiritual. In addition, ladies, LISTEN UP--the real truth of the matter is that a man is hoping that you will inspire him to strive to be a better man. Once you reduce your relationship to a mere sexual exchange, you've just lost not only all your power, but all your allure as well, and he'll be much more motivated to move on to another woman that makes him feel LOVE. It's natural for a man to be attracted to pure, unadulterated sex as is offered through all the porn outlets. But it's a FAR CRY from the kind of sex he REALLY wants, deep down with a woman he truly loves. If you spent the time to read all the responses to this so far, you might notice a pattern emerging--I did. Every time the woman confronted her man with her displeasure about what he was doing, EVERY SINGLE MAN responded EVERY SINGLE TIME with the justification that he really loved her, and this porno-viewing had nothing to do with her. Of course, almost none of you women believed it, but the fact of the matter is, those men were telling you the ABSOLUTE TRUTH! You've lost sight of your power as a woman to seduce him through LOVE. The women's movement has caused women to give up their virtue, meaning their ability to say no to behavior that they feel is unethical or immoral from their man. THE WOMAN SETS THE SPIRITUAL STANDARD IN THE RELATIONSHIP, NOT THE MAN! Whatever tiny amount of spirituality you are willing to settle for, is as little as you will get from him, I promise you! Some of you have mentioned John Gray and the Venus/Mars book. Believe me when I tell you that, as a highly spiritually-inclined woman, he did NOT write that from a man's perspective. Women are fairly treated, and the information he shares is right on. I have another book to recommend for those of you interested in learning more. It's called "Getting To I Do", by Dr. Patricia Allen and Sandra Harmon, available in paperback. This explains in very clear and simple language how the relationship between the sexes was meant to work, and how each of us can improve our relationships with the opposite sex. This book along with the Venus and Mars book offers some of the best advice you could get anywhere about all the relationship issues we all struggle with. I can't recommend or encourage you enough to read these two books, and start using the principles in them in your own relationships--you'll be amazed at the results. Then maybe we'd all be a lot happier and more fulfilled, the divorce rate would go down significantly, and men wouldn't feel the need to turn to pornography anymore. Amen!

03:33AM EDT07/12/99---Posted by A woman who knows

My opinion is that women are not trying to decide what is right and wrong for men sexually, but what they will and will not tolerate. My husband watches his porn about 3-4 times a week and it drives me crazy. He denies he watches it, but then he leaves it in the VCR or leaves the blinds closed. It infuriates me. I makes me feel inadequate since this is coupled with the knowledge of his affair one and a half years ago. I know that this is not the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with and when I finally do get up the courage to leave, I will not settle down with another man who cares for porn. I think that it is alright for a man if the partner is not offended by it, but the partner's feelings should be respected at all costs if you truly love one another.

02:20PM EDT07/15/99---Posted by Anonymous

I think in today's day and age everything seems to revolve around women. I myself am a woman but everything is me me me. Understand ME, we are women hear us roar. Well I understand that we now have rights and equality but put in a little more effort to listening to your husband's or boyfriends. I think Dr.Mark made an interesting point. I'd never thought of it that way. I'm not saying its true but have an open mind. I know, there are some guys who replace their wives with videos and that's wrong but I'm just talking about a basic thing called Listening and having an open mind.

06:34PM EDT07/16/99---Posted by Annonymus

I have been involved with a man (my fiancee) for almost a year. No, I am not a virgin and have had several intimate relationships. The very first time that we made love, I felt awkward. He seemed distant and dislocated. I felt weird, to say the least. I had never had a man want me and then show such a response to our love making. Well, I found out why. He loves PORN. He uses it to "deal" with stress. Wow! I had never been with a man that "HAD" to have the Playboy channel etc. Especially after such a short time (months.) Anyway, we have gone through bedtime issues (where he says he will be in in abit), late night TV, lack of spontanious sex, ALL his stress issues, ETC. He has PROMISED on numerous occasions to leave the porn, but he always gets caught at various times by me. My problem is 'Why say you won't do it if you don't mean it?' I have explained to him the awful feeling it gives me in addition to taking away from our intimate life. He always "understands" and promises not to do it. I have always and still always do give him encouragement to talk out his fellings of ANYTHING-including stress, insecurities, failures, sadness. I feel lost with all the leasons that I have learened through the years. All I can say is that it is all different with everyone. If anyone can reply, I will listen. Thanks!

08:00PM EDT07/16/99---Posted by V

How can the doctor even begin to answer this woman's question without getting more information. What exactly does she think makes her husband an adddict? Also, I'm a little tired of hearing how stressed out man are and how the tiny little babies need our understanding. Grow up!

11:53PM EDT07/19/99---Posted by Anonymous

Me and my husband watch porn together once or twice a week and it helps us to get in the mood. My husband never wacthes porn unless Im with him. I have NO problem with porn when we share it as a sexual tool. My husband has not masterbated since we have gotton together for two reasons 1st we keep each other satisfied. andwe are conciderate of each others feeling on the sexual subjects and all other subjects. If in a relationship the partners can't respect eachothers feeling and needs or come to a compromise they need some sierious help. You have to communicate with out getting mad or else you will never have a successful relationship.

i think he is disrespecting his wife. my fiancee used to have porns and watch them. they slowly started replacing having sex with me. i told him how it made me feel and tried to relate it to him so he could better understand how i felt, but it didn't seem to have much of an affect on him. after two months of feeling disrespected, i told him that he can have either his porno or me, not both. i told him how i felt disrespected and that i wouldn't put up with it anymore. as you probably guessed, he gave up his pornos and chose me. we haven't had a problem with the issue since then.

11:41PM EDT07/21/99---Posted by Christine

I'm divorcing my husband of 20 years after I found he had a rented garage with over $30,000 worth of porn -- much of it S&M. He was so deep in the closet with his secret life that I never suspected, because he was Mr. Straight-Arrow in all other aspects of life. Porn use is an addiction. My husband gradually became impotent during "real" sex. The therapist says sexual arousal is a habit, and my ex had "habitualized" to paper porn rather than real women. For the record, I am a good looking, not overweight woman, altho it didn't make any difference. I was furious about the porn, because it is so degrading/dehumanizing to women etc., but it was the lies that really ruined the marriage. Just like a drunk or junkie, a porn addict will lie about where he is and what he is doing. My ex SWORE he had dumped his stash so that we could work on our marriage -- but he had really buried it under the house!! This is crazyness, and I decided I could not spend the rest of my life with a man who would be on and off the wagon -- a man who I would never be able to trust again. If you are dealing with this problem, you need SAA, or COSA support groups and, most importantly, a therapist who treats compulsive porn use as an obsessive/compulsive disorder. Too many therapist are clueless!! Don't waste your money on a therapist who wants to talk about communication or anger or whatever first: First, he needs prozac for the O/C disorder, and first, he needs to be treated for addiction. Then there may be marital stuff to work on.

11:20AM EDT07/23/99---Posted by Becky

Give me a break.. if he knows it's hurting his partner's feelings and he continues to do it, he's showing a lack of concern. Period. It sounds like this guy needs a little self-control in his life. Also, pornography often features women in degrading or harmful situations. Perhaps HE should get a little therapy to re-evaluate his attitudes towards women.

06:26PM EDT07/23/99---Posted by Annie

How quick we women are to assume we hold all the answers in the sexual experience department. It would seem that the many women who site such a problem perhaps have not come to focus on the more deeply rooted problems of the relationship. More over, I know of many men whom have expressed to me the continual projection of their loved ones face to the images they watch. It is a way for them to imagine making love in ways they are too shy to communicate directly with their partner, out of a genuine desire not to offend. It serves to sometimes generate new ideas of pleasing their partner, for they are not open enough to "ask what pleases" because they feel like less of a lover if they have to ask how to pleasure you. In such cases, the best solution perhaps is to assure your man of his ability to rock your casbah, and work ardently, but gently, at helping him to open up. If the porn becomes substitute for sex, by no means is this acceptable, but the behavior may be stemming from a greater issue that needs attention.

I am an ex-wife of what I thought was a porn addict.. I use to feel so disscusted like you.. He was very honest with me about everything... I knew what he was doing every time he would go take a shower late at night, mid day or early morning it use to hurt me so much.. I would be ready and willing just to F him so he wouldn't be so frustrated.. I remember onetime when we hadn't had sex for about 3 weeks.. I was really wanting it.. not just for me but for him.. I wanted to please him and take away all his worries.. I finally bluntly asked him to please have sex with me tonight you won't have any regrets I PROMISE! I latter after waiting in bed for hours.. caught him doing his thing instead of me.. That hurt so much.. before I went to bed I demanded an explanation.. He said, "Honey I love you, I love making love to you, I don't know what my problem is.. It is just that when we get into bed and I look at you I feel like taking you right then and there and hard, and you are my love not my toy.. I just can't do what I really want to do to you You are not a one night stand and I care very much for you I can't just F you and then not care about pleasing you.. When I do this I can just do it and not worry about anything" I was so hurt to think that he couldn't F me.. I could F him and would get pleasure out of it mutualy just because I knew I was pleasing him.. I really didn't mind forfetting an orgasim just so he could have a worry free one... I ended up divorcing him because I became too insecure in our marriage for that reason and others.. I think marriage counciling and a muttual desire to keep our marriage strong but he wouldn't go.. I have realised that he wasn't the one with a problem it was me I had a problem with his porn. and masturbation.. It wasn't him.. I suggest a visit to a good psychologist.. shop around see who you feel confortable with.. tell them you need to have a free get to know you visit to see if your compatible.. You are worth it! What I am also trying to say is I DO trust the Doctors Oppinion. I feel it was deffinatly worded from a mans perspective but gee that is what you were needing a mans perspective..

12:46AM EDT07/26/99---Posted by Anonymous

I WISH THAT MY BOYFRIEND OF THREE YEARS WOULD SIMPLY LOOK AT PORN SITES INSTEAD OF COMBING THE LOCAL AOL MEMBER DIRECTORY FOR GIRLS WHO LIVE IN OUR TOWN FOR CHAT. HE STAYS UP ALL NITE ON OUR COMPUTER TALKING TO ALL OF THESE GIRLS LIKE EVERY NITE. WHEN I WALK BY TO USE THE BATHROOM HE QUICKLY CLICKS OUT OF THE INSTANT MESSAGE SCREEN AND PRETENDS TO READ THE SAME EMAIL OVER AND OVER. CAN YOU SAY PATHETIC? MOST OF THESE GIRLS THAT HE TALKS TO ARE PRETTY YOUNG WICH BOTHERS ME CAUSE I TEND TO THINK HE MIGHT BE A LITTLE WEIRD! EVERYTIME I GO INTO MY DOCUMENTS FOLDER FOR SOMETHING I AM SOOO SICK OF SEEING LIKE,20 DIFFERENT NUDE PICS OF GIRLS WHO LIVE IN MY TOWN THAT HE HAS OBVIOUSLY HAD EROTIC CONVERSATIONS WITH. HE LIKES TO SAY HE HAS NO CONTROL OVER WHAT PICS PEOPLE SEND HIM,YET THEY ARE ALL BETWEEN THE AGES OF 16 AND 25 WOMAN (MOSTLY GOOD LOOKING) AND DISGUSTINGLY NAKED. I'M SORRY BUT YOU HAVE TO TALK TO CERTAIN TYPES OF PEOPLE TO GET CERTAIN TYPES OF PICS!! COME ON! NOW DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU IT IS HARMLESS.I JUST RECENTLY READ HIS EMAIL(WHICH I DID ONLY DUE TO SUSPICION,I WOULD NEVER INVADE HIS PRIVACY UNLESS) AND FOUND OUT HE WAS HAVING INTIMATE INCOUNTERS WITH WOMAN. JUST AS I THOUGHT. HE KNOWS THIS BOTHERS ME AND IS THE ROOT OF SOO MANY OF OUR PROBLEMS,YET HE WON'T STOP! THIS SNEAKYNESS IS WHAT IS RUINING OUR RELATIONSHIP. I THINK I HAVE MORE OF A SEX DRIVE THEN HIM I AM ALWAYS WILLING AT ANYTIME.I LOVE SEX AND FOREPLAY. THAT IS WHY I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THIS.FOR ANYONE WHO SAYS"IT'S NATURAL,IT'S IN MEN'S BLOOD GOING BACK TO THE OLD DAYS WHEN A MAN'S GOAL WAS TO IMPREGNATE AS MANY WOMAN AS POSSIBLE" AS AN EXCUSE FOR INFIDELITY. THIS DOESN'T CUT IT FOR ME.THERE ARE NORMAL MEN OUT THERE WHO DONT FEEL THE NEED TO "SPREAD HIS SEED" EVERYWHERE, AND FEEL THEY CAN, AND WANT TO BE WITH ONE WOMAN THAT IS WHY THEY ARE IN A MONOGOMOUS RELATIONSHIP IN THE FIRST CASE--NOT IN A SINGLES BAR! THE PATHETIC PART IS I AM ONLY 20 YEARS OLD. I SHOULDNT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SO SOON. I FEEL LIKE THE "USED GOODS" OF A 50 YEAR OLD MARRAGE. THREE YEARS WITH SOMEONE IS NOT LONG ENOUGH TO FEEL THIS WAY-ESPECIALLY AT MY YOUNG AGE. THERE IS NO WAY TO CONTINUE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO I HAVE LOST TRUST WITH AND THAT IS VERY SAD SINCE WE WERE DISCUSSING MARRAGE. I CANT KEEP FINDING THE PHONE NUMBERS AND EMAILS FROM HIS LATE NITE ESCAPADES WITH THESE GIRLS HE IS OBVIOUSLY WASTING MY TIME AND LOVE WHEN HE REALLY CANT HANDLE OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT HE CLAIMS HE WANTS SO BAD. ANY ADVISE IS APPRECIATED.

04:39PM EDT07/26/99---Posted by DC

I WISH THAT MY BOYFRIEND OF THREE YEARS WOULD SIMPLY LOOK AT PORN SITES INSTEAD OF COMBING THE LOCAL AOL MEMBER DIRECTORY FOR GIRLS WHO LIVE IN OUR TOWN FOR CHAT. HE STAYS UP ALL NITE ON OUR COMPUTER TALKING TO ALL OF THESE GIRLS LIKE EVERY NITE. WHEN I WALK BY TO USE THE BATHROOM HE QUICKLY CLICKS OUT OF THE INSTANT MESSAGE SCREEN AND PRETENDS TO READ THE SAME EMAIL OVER AND OVER. CAN YOU SAY PATHETIC? MOST OF THESE GIRLS THAT HE TALKS TO ARE PRETTY YOUNG WICH BOTHERS ME CAUSE I TEND TO THINK HE MIGHT BE A LITTLE WEIRD! EVERYTIME I GO INTO MY DOCUMENTS FOLDER FOR SOMETHING I AM SOOO SICK OF SEEING LIKE,20 DIFFERENT NUDE PICS OF GIRLS WHO LIVE IN MY TOWN THAT HE HAS OBVIOUSLY HAD EROTIC CONVERSATIONS WITH. HE LIKES TO SAY HE HAS NO CONTROL OVER WHAT PICS PEOPLE SEND HIM,YET THEY ARE ALL BETWEEN THE AGES OF 16 AND 25 WOMAN (MOSTLY GOOD LOOKING) AND DISGUSTINGLY NAKED. I'M SORRY BUT YOU HAVE TO TALK TO CERTAIN TYPES OF PEOPLE TO GET CERTAIN TYPES OF PICS!! COME ON! NOW DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU IT IS HARMLESS.I JUST RECENTLY READ HIS EMAIL(WHICH I DID ONLY DUE TO SUSPICION,I WOULD NEVER INVADE HIS PRIVACY UNLESS) AND FOUND OUT HE WAS HAVING INTIMATE INCOUNTERS WITH WOMAN. JUST AS I THOUGHT. HE KNOWS THIS BOTHERS ME AND IS THE ROOT OF SOO MANY OF OUR PROBLEMS,YET HE WON'T STOP! THIS SNEAKYNESS IS WHAT IS RUINING OUR RELATIONSHIP. I THINK I HAVE MORE OF A SEX DRIVE THEN HIM I AM ALWAYS WILLING AT ANYTIME.I LOVE SEX AND FOREPLAY. THAT IS WHY I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THIS.FOR ANYONE WHO SAYS"IT'S NATURAL,IT'S IN MEN'S BLOOD GOING BACK TO THE OLD DAYS WHEN A MAN'S GOAL WAS TO IMPREGNATE AS MANY WOMAN AS POSSIBLE" AS AN EXCUSE FOR INFIDELITY. THIS DOESN'T CUT IT FOR ME.THERE ARE NORMAL MEN OUT THERE WHO DONT FEEL THE NEED TO "SPREAD HIS SEED" EVERYWHERE, AND FEEL THEY CAN, AND WANT TO BE WITH ONE WOMAN THAT IS WHY THEY ARE IN A MONOGOMOUS RELATIONSHIP IN THE FIRST CASE--NOT IN A SINGLES BAR! THE PATHETIC PART IS I AM ONLY 20 YEARS OLD. I SHOULDNT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SO SOON. I FEEL LIKE THE "USED GOODS" OF A 50 YEAR OLD MARRAGE. THREE YEARS WITH SOMEONE IS NOT LONG ENOUGH TO FEEL THIS WAY-ESPECIALLY AT MY YOUNG AGE. THERE IS NO WAY TO CONTINUE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO I HAVE LOST TRUST WITH AND THAT IS VERY SAD SINCE WE WERE DISCUSSING MARRAGE. I CANT KEEP FINDING THE PHONE NUMBERS AND EMAILS FROM HIS LATE NITE ESCAPADES WITH THESE GIRLS HE IS OBVIOUSLY WASTING MY TIME AND LOVE WHEN HE REALLY CANT HANDLE OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT HE CLAIMS HE WANTS SO BAD. ANY ADVISE IS APPRECIATED.

04:40PM EDT07/26/99---Posted by DC

I WISH THAT MY BOYFRIEND OF THREE YEARS WOULD SIMPLY LOOK AT PORN SITES INSTEAD OF COMBING THE LOCAL AOL MEMBER DIRECTORY FOR GIRLS WHO LIVE IN OUR TOWN FOR CHAT. HE STAYS UP ALL NITE ON OUR COMPUTER TALKING TO ALL OF THESE GIRLS LIKE EVERY NITE. WHEN I WALK BY TO USE THE BATHROOM HE QUICKLY CLICKS OUT OF THE INSTANT MESSAGE SCREEN AND PRETENDS TO READ THE SAME EMAIL OVER AND OVER. CAN YOU SAY PATHETIC? MOST OF THESE GIRLS THAT HE TALKS TO ARE PRETTY YOUNG WICH BOTHERS ME CAUSE I TEND TO THINK HE MIGHT BE A LITTLE WEIRD! EVERYTIME I GO INTO MY DOCUMENTS FOLDER FOR SOMETHING I AM SOOO SICK OF SEEING LIKE,20 DIFFERENT NUDE PICS OF GIRLS WHO LIVE IN MY TOWN THAT HE HAS OBVIOUSLY HAD EROTIC CONVERSATIONS WITH. HE LIKES TO SAY HE HAS NO CONTROL OVER WHAT PICS PEOPLE SEND HIM,YET THEY ARE ALL BETWEEN THE AGES OF 16 AND 25 WOMAN (MOSTLY GOOD LOOKING) AND DISGUSTINGLY NAKED. I'M SORRY BUT YOU HAVE TO TALK TO CERTAIN TYPES OF PEOPLE TO GET CERTAIN TYPES OF PICS!! COME ON! NOW DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU IT IS HARMLESS.I JUST RECENTLY READ HIS EMAIL(WHICH I DID ONLY DUE TO SUSPICION,I WOULD NEVER INVADE HIS PRIVACY UNLESS) AND FOUND OUT HE WAS HAVING INTIMATE INCOUNTERS WITH WOMAN. JUST AS I THOUGHT. HE KNOWS THIS BOTHERS ME AND IS THE ROOT OF SOO MANY OF OUR PROBLEMS,YET HE WON'T STOP! THIS SNEAKYNESS IS WHAT IS RUINING OUR RELATIONSHIP. I THINK I HAVE MORE OF A SEX DRIVE THEN HIM I AM ALWAYS WILLING AT ANYTIME.I LOVE SEX AND FOREPLAY. THAT IS WHY I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THIS.FOR ANYONE WHO SAYS"IT'S NATURAL,IT'S IN MEN'S BLOOD GOING BACK TO THE OLD DAYS WHEN A MAN'S GOAL WAS TO IMPREGNATE AS MANY WOMAN AS POSSIBLE" AS AN EXCUSE FOR INFIDELITY. THIS DOESN'T CUT IT FOR ME.THERE ARE NORMAL MEN OUT THERE WHO DONT FEEL THE NEED TO "SPREAD HIS SEED" EVERYWHERE, AND FEEL THEY CAN, AND WANT TO BE WITH ONE WOMAN THAT IS WHY THEY ARE IN A MONOGOMOUS RELATIONSHIP IN THE FIRST CASE--NOT IN A SINGLES BAR! THE PATHETIC PART IS I AM ONLY 20 YEARS OLD. I SHOULDNT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SO SOON. I FEEL LIKE THE "USED GOODS" OF A 50 YEAR OLD MARRAGE. THREE YEARS WITH SOMEONE IS NOT LONG ENOUGH TO FEEL THIS WAY-ESPECIALLY AT MY YOUNG AGE. THERE IS NO WAY TO CONTINUE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO I HAVE LOST TRUST WITH AND THAT IS VERY SAD SINCE WE WERE DISCUSSING MARRAGE. I CANT KEEP FINDING THE PHONE NUMBERS AND EMAILS FROM HIS LATE NITE ESCAPADES WITH THESE GIRLS HE IS OBVIOUSLY WASTING MY TIME AND LOVE WHEN HE REALLY CANT HANDLE OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT HE CLAIMS HE WANTS SO BAD. ANY ADVISE IS APPRECIATED.

04:41PM EDT07/26/99---Posted by DAISY

I WISH THAT MY BOYFRIEND OF THREE YEARS WOULD SIMPLY LOOK AT PORN SITES INSTEAD OF COMBING THE LOCAL AOL MEMBER DIRECTORY FOR GIRLS WHO LIVE IN OUR TOWN FOR CHAT. HE STAYS UP ALL NITE ON OUR COMPUTER TALKING TO ALL OF THESE GIRLS EVERY NITE. WHEN I WALK BY TO USE THE BATHROOM HE QUICKLY CLICKS OUT OF THE INSTANT MESSAGE SCREEN AND PRETENDS TO READ THE SAME EMAIL OVER AND OVER. CAN YOU SAY PATHETIC? MOST OF THESE GIRLS THAT HE TALKS TO ARE PRETTY YOUNG WICH BOTHERS ME CAUSE I TEND TO THINK HE MIGHT BE A LITTLE WEIRD! EVERYTIME I GO INTO MY DOCUMENTS FOLDER FOR SOMETHING I AM SOOO SICK OF SEEING 20 DIFFERENT NUDE PICS OF GIRLS WHO LIVE IN MY TOWN THAT HE HAS OBVIOUSLY HAD EROTIC CONVERSATIONS WITH. HE LIKES TO SAY HE HAS NO CONTROL OVER WHAT PICS PEOPLE SEND HIM,YET THEY ARE ALL BETWEEN THE AGES OF 16 AND 25 WOMAN (MOSTLY GOOD LOOKING) AND DISGUSTINGLY NAKED. I'M SORRY BUT YOU HAVE TO TALK TO CERTAIN TYPES OF PEOPLE TO GET CERTAIN TYPES OF PICS!! COME ON! NOW DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU IT IS HARMLESS.I JUST RECENTLY READ HIS EMAIL(WHICH I DID ONLY DUE TO SUSPICION,I WOULD NEVER INVADE HIS PRIVACY UNLESS) AND FOUND OUT HE WAS HAVING INTIMATE INCOUNTERS WITH WOMAN. JUST AS I THOUGHT. HE KNOWS THIS BOTHERS ME AND IS THE ROOT OF SOO MANY OF OUR PROBLEMS,YET HE WON'T STOP! THIS SNEAKYNESS IS WHAT IS RUINING OUR RELATIONSHIP. I THINK I HAVE MORE OF A SEX DRIVE THEN HIM I AM ALWAYS WILLING AT ANYTIME.I LOVE SEX AND FOREPLAY. THAT IS WHY I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THIS.FOR ANYONE WHO SAYS"IT'S NATURAL,IT'S IN MEN'S BLOOD GOING BACK TO THE OLD DAYS WHEN A MAN'S GOAL WAS TO IMPREGNATE AS MANY WOMAN AS POSSIBLE" AS AN EXCUSE FOR INFIDELITY. THIS DOESN'T CUT IT FOR ME.THERE ARE NORMAL MEN OUT THERE WHO DONT FEEL THE NEED TO "SPREAD HIS SEED" EVERYWHERE, AND FEEL THEY CAN, AND WANT TO BE WITH ONE WOMAN THAT IS WHY THEY ARE IN A MONOGOMOUS RELATIONSHIP IN THE FIRST PLACE--NOT IN A SINGLES BAR! THE PATHETIC PART IS I AM ONLY 20 YEARS OLD. I SHOULDNT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SO SOON. I FEEL LIKE THE "USED GOODS" OF A 50 YEAR OLD MARRAGE. THREE YEARS WITH SOMEONE IS NOT LONG ENOUGH TO FEEL THIS WAY-ESPECIALLY AT MY YOUNG AGE. THERE IS NO WAY TO CONTINUE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO I HAVE LOST TRUST WITH AND THAT IS VERY SAD SINCE WE WERE DISCUSSING MARRAGE. I CANT KEEP FINDING THE PHONE NUMBERS AND EMAILS FROM HIS LATE NITE ESCAPADES WITH THESE GIRLS.HE IS OBVIOUSLY WASTING MY TIME AND LOVE WHEN HE REALLY CANT HANDLE OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT HE CLAIMS HE WANTS SO BAD. ANY ADVISE IS APPRECIATED.

04:47PM EDT07/26/99---Posted by DAISY

sorry i didn't mean to post this so many times! it was an accident! by the way after i wrote this, i found out that he had called a good friend of mine from our home state(MA)to chat.he was having a very permiscuous conversation with her and made plans to meet when he went home for a family reunion. he is slime! that was the last straw for me. i left him today and told him he gave up the best thing he had for his stupid sexual addictions!

01:42AM EDT07/27/99---Posted by DAISY

Dr.Mark, You over simplified,justified,rationalized!A man with a porn habbit is unhappy with something in his life.however diffrent men have diffrent problems.The problems don`t even have to be stressful. The women who have divorced men over porn/selfconfidence issues the problem is self evedent:those men needed stronger women!!

12:18PM EDT07/27/99---Posted by matt

Hey..As long as he's just masturbating and being true to you, does it really matter? Better masterbating with porno films than doing the real thing. If you feel SECURE with your own sexuality and love yourself (ie, high self-esteem, etc.) it shouldn't bother you.

12:08AM EDT07/28/99---Posted by Love ME

I've read most of everyone's opinion on this subject, let me offer up another scenario. My boyfriend did get Penthouse Mag. and has many porn sites bookmarked on his computer. His conversation with other male friends very frequently turns raunchy and has a strong sexual undertone. He best-friend calls him a pervert, but what amazes me about this is his lack of interest in sex. I am a very attractive female in her twenty's with a sex drive that sometimes scares me. I could have sex 2-3 times a day easily. But would love it just once a day. My problem is this, why does he talk the talk, when he won't walk the walk. You know what I mean? I am constantly in the mood for sex with him, and it hurts me greatly that he looks at all these other naked women doing perverted things. I wonder at times if the porn has made it harder for him to be turned on to anyone who has less than a perfect body. Because of this, I am constantly striving to achieve a body that would knock his socks off, and it never seems to be enough. I feel so inadequate, I just want him to tell me that I'm beautiful and sexy to him, and I would love it if he would want to see naked as much as porn girls. I'm even willing to let him take naked raunchy photos of me so he can look at those, but it's never happened yet. I don't have any male friends to talk to about this, and when I bring it up to him, he sees that "all" males do what he does, and if I was "secure" in the relationship it wouldn't bother me. Am I wrong here? I'm confused about what is normal. He says it wouldn't bother him if I looked at naked men, but in my heart, I have no desire for anyone but him. Anyone have any advice?

11:52AM EDT07/29/99---Posted by Lauren

Where do you find these women? Clearly, they are people with opinions that are so far different from the "noted" expert on the matter, that it speaks to a latent personal problem of their own? I hear anger, some hurt, and I see women taking an opportunity to "vent" their frustration, but what I don't see enough of are the wives, loves, and spouses taking any responsibility for what they could have or should have done for their life partner to alleviate or even get a definition of how it is or is not a "problem". To judge is not the responsibility of the wife. Clearly, the expert has incontrovertedly stated that you "...might not agree, but...", and did not defer his "expert" opinion as being any less a matter of "expertise". So then, how can anyone so readily disagree~~not being a qualified "expert" themselves? Experience as an "onlooker" does NOT qualify as field expertise by any scope of the imagination. As inexact as the expert opinion is aligned with others' personal opinions, we must always remember that it is, nonetheless, an opinion given by an "expert". Having said all that, let me give my "non-expert" opinion on the matter. I agree with the expert. I believe that, under the right circumstances, it is to be considered a normal reaction to an array of stress situations that are "out of the ordinary" for a standard life-routine. It is an aberration to normal behavior, however, given the stimulus of stress related matters, the outcome~~i.e., the man's behavior~~should be seen as quite ordinary... (caveat)under those extraordinary life conditions. Is it normal to do everyday, all the time, with habitual frequency? No. In fact, it should be considered a clear warning sign that something in the individual or joint personal relationship of that man is suffering. At that point, I believe it should be a clear indication that something is "ab"-normal about the man's behavior, and the wife or partner then has a legitimate cause for concern, but for her partner, moreso than it being something in opposition to her own belief or desired outcome. It is then that the partner should take action to 1) Talk to her man (in non-condemning terms), not using accusatory, inflammatory, or unappreciative comments; but showing her concern that he "get right" unto himself. 2) She should voice her concerns in very true terms, taking care not to isolate him by her words. And 3) She should make every effort to let him know she has her as a partner to get him through whatever is causing him to change his behavior. Now, if at this point, having taken the advice of counsel, if you still disagree with what the counselor has decided, maybe it is time for you to get counseling yourself, as well. If as a partner, you maintain that it is more important for you to voice your concerns over this new-found behavior, above the personal damage the situation is causing your partner, you are probably feeling more guilt than any certifiable discomfort. You might still disagree, as is your option, but that is my "non-expert" opinion on this matter.

To Lauren Your boyfriend is an sex addict. It is the most difficult addiction to recover from. Talking, begging, threats will not make a difference. Your only problem is that you are co-dependent. You are letting him ignore your sexual needs. There are a lot of good books on sexual addiction. You are willing to degrade yourself with naked raunchy photos. Do you really think so little of yourself? This has nothing to do with security on your part. If he was secure with himself, he would not be threatened by intimacy. I know it may seem like you don't want anyone but him. But maybe you don't feel worthy of anyone else but him. He has made you feel this way. Break away ASAP!! Would you stay with a raging alcoholic or drug addict? This is worse because of the devasting effect to your self-esteem. Please try to change your focus from him and his problem and work on recovering your own person. Good Luck

06:37PM EDT07/29/99---Posted by beenthere

My boyfriend is also addicted to the internet. He has hundreds of cd with only pics of nacked girls. I can't belive he is doing this because of stress. what I have heard was that men have less sex if they are stressed. A few months ago my boyfriend whas watching t.v. without the volume on and I was sitting next to the room and whas thinking 'why is it so quiet?' I looked and he was looking porn. Sometimes we do look togther porn but why is he doing so sneeky? There is not only one reason why men are looking pornsites, you have to devide the reasons why. Ans I don't agree that you have to take this as normal because women would be very blind.

10:04AM EDT07/30/99---Posted by anonymous

I believe Glen Pettifords explanation was the longest excuse I have ever read. Obviously well educated but clueless about the feminine perspective on the matter. A well rounded approach to this issue? "Put yourself in your husband/wifes shoes and tread lightly"

09:15PM EDT07/30/99---Posted by Anonymous

The main problem is that the husband is looking at OTHER women, while telling the wife he loves her. "I love you honey, but these women turn me on, not you." Not many women I know go to Playboy to relieve stress.

03:07PM EDT08/03/99---Posted by anonymous

Correction: Not many women I know go to PlayGIRL to relieve stress.

03:11PM EDT08/03/99---Posted by anonymous again

i think porn can be fun and stress releiving if couples use it together. If the man just is looking at this to relieve stress and is not in the mood to "make love" why not have a kinky quickie together. if he seems reluctant then try turning on a porn and watch it together. otherwise if he is doing this behind your back I think he's got a problem other than being stressed.

09:16PM EDT08/04/99---Posted by della

Dr. Mark, You just gave men another "out" to another one of their so-called "addictions" by validating this type of behavior as "normal for men" -vs- what is "normal for women". Sexual Addiction is a serious relationship buster if not recognized and dealt with in a positive, caring, understanding, non-judgemental manner. There is an underlying problem with people who are "addicted" to sex, whether they realize it or not. They maybe hiding some insecurity, have low self-esteem or using masturbation as a "stress reliever". Can you imagine a mother of a young child telling her husband to take care of their child as she is going to the powder room to be alone? Most times we are lucky we can take a bathroom break while our child is napping---how is it that men find the time to masturbate, but not the time to put into their marriage relationship? Then after their marriages are over, they stand there scratching their heads (both their top & bottom ones) asking themselves, "What the hell did that Bitch want from me anyway? Aw, she was never satisfied with anything anyway, I am better off with out her." Never thinking of the devastating effect he has inflicted on his former wife, but their child(ren) as well. Sorry, Dr. Mark, you are way off in your assessment here and just gave men the right to feel they are "justified" in masturbating whenever they feel like it--WRONG! What does your answer say to us women? We should just grin and bear, like hell---who doesn't like a great orgasm whenever possible? I certainly do, but I am not going to sacrafice my priorities in life. My martial relationship with my husband is #1 with me and next is my relationship with our children, however, he too must place me above all else or we are doomed and he knows it. I realize I cannot control his behavior, but if he wants to masturbate in private after he has promised me he would not, he will have to live with that on his conscious, I refuse to be a parole officer to anyone, including my husband, he needs to be responsible for himself, just as I am for myself. Unless there are extenuating circumstances I believe we should make love to each other and only resort to having sex with ourselves if one or the other is physically incapacitated. Hope you will reconsider your answer, Dr. Mark, perhaps you might want to re-evaluate your original answer---please write and let us know. Thank You

11:30PM EDT08/04/99---Posted by ElenaT99

Reading all this makes me sad! My husband and I have a great sex life, but I would like it more often. I do feel jealous when I discover he's been masturbating to porn instead of making love to me. I do understand that SOMETIMES men just want to "get off" and are too lazy to put much effort into it. I just don't think they understand that alot of women like that too. I don't care if he does it when he can't be with me, but when I am ready, willing and able - why would a man prefer masturbation to the real thing? I'm pretty and smart and adventurous in bed and I know he is totally in love with me. I'm amazed at the number of women who are hurt by this, and it makes me very sad to realize how many men behave this way. Aren't there any men who can be satisfied and appreciative of a great wife??? How depressing!

01:56PM EDT08/10/99---Posted by paula

Dr.Mark is some man who wants to validate the fact that it is O.K. for him to masterbate! That is the worst advice I have ever heard and if he had ever studied any true cases on sexual addiction he would see that a counseler has NEVER said that porno and masterbation was good for a marriege if it helped the man relieve stress!!! Dr. Mark needs a therapist!! If anything in your marriage makes you uncomfortable it is an issue that needs attention! We all have stress,tell your husband to try exercise(and not just with his hand), this is something he needs to get help with before it hurts your marriage and your self-respect. Good Luck!

10:37PM EDT08/10/99---Posted by Shocked!!

Excuses, excuses. Maybe he should just grow-up. You can make a choice not to be governed by your every temptation.

08:52AM EDT08/11/99---Posted by Elizabeth

YOU should be your husbands only "personal pleasure" as he states when you approach him on this. And I agree that women should explore their own sexuality and pleasure. All women should masturbate in my opion. Not just for self pleasure, your husband will see that you can also not need him--and I am sure this will open his eyes. It sure worked on my husband---and I have become much more open and sexual.I am very satisfied and actually getting more sex now. Become his fantasy!!!

01:59AM EDT08/12/99---Posted by kathryn71

It´s to easy to blame everything on stress, even if this is the case there are 1,000.00 ways to get relief, walking, joggin, crossword puzels, drawing, painting, skating, swimming.... he´s just being spoild, and if he realy needs it then he is sick, get out.

03:31AM EDT08/12/99---Posted by mm28

Masturbating is a healthy response to stress for both man and woman. Women need to get familiar with their own bodies and appreciate all that it offers. Men need to get inside their heads and appreciate what it has to offer. (imagination) It makes me sad to hear such dis-ease among us. Pleasure yourself. It is the most comforting place to go when life gets overwhelming.

12:39AM EDT08/13/99---Posted by scandalous

Masturbating is a healthy response to stress for both man and woman. Women need to get familiar with their own bodies and appreciate all that it offers. Men need to get inside their heads and appreciate what it has to offer. (imagination) It makes me sad to hear such dis-ease among us. Pleasure yourself. It is the most comforting place to go when life gets overwhelming.

12:39AM EDT08/13/99---Posted by scandalous

its an easy opinion: People will find any excuse to support an addiction. An addiction causes havoc in a relationship because then there is a "third party". Unless both people welcome threesomes...forget it.

06:22PM EDT08/13/99---Posted by Amber

My husband has been using porn magazines, videos and his stash of nude pictures of his ex-wife and ed-girlfriends for the entire time we've been married. Just 3 years ago, he started having an affair with a woman that he works with and told his family that the reason that he "fell out of love" with me was because I wouldn't have sex with him! He sleeps on the couch, this started when I was pregnant with our son. We had only been married 7 months. He stashes his magazines and videos in the ceiling rafters in the basement. The really horrible thing is, he refuses to talk to me. So for years I cried myself to sleep every night. I was convinced thatt I was the ugliest, fattest and most unwanted woman around. Now I realize that the problem is his. I have given up trying to talk to him, and get him to see someone for help. He is completely happy to serve his own needs. I'm suprised that he doesn't have "jerk-off-tunnel syndrom" in his elbow and hand! As for me, I'm getting matters set for my son and very soon, his ass will be back at his mommies (this is where he stayed off and on during his affair) and I will be back into living. My biggest worry is that this is some kind of genetic thing that my son may have to face. What's the doog doctor have to say about that? Stress my ass! I'd have given anything for him to want sex with me. A real, live, warm human that he can touch.

Watching porn movies is not a bad thing. Women get all caught up in the "I'm not good enough" garbage. A man watching porn movies does NOT mean he doesn't love his wife! So get over ladies! Sit down with your man and watch a movie with him. I know he would like that if you are non judgemental.

07:03PM EDT08/16/99---Posted by BG

Watching porn movies is not a bad thing. Women get all caught up in the "I'm not good enough" garbage. A man watching porn movies does NOT mean he doesn't love his wife! So get over ladies! Sit down with your man and watch a movie with him. I know he would like that if you are non judgemental.

07:04PM EDT08/16/99---Posted by BG

BG - I don't think you are getting the idea. The main problem (atleast for me) is that my husband doesn't want sex with me. Nor his first wife, but I didn't know this until recently. For 16 years I have been left to think it was all my fault. During this time, I was staying home to watch his daughter from his first marriage, and our son - he was out at strip joints. I would have gladly been his love slave (I'm no prude) I do enjoy watching certain movies with the man in my life. It just so happens that my husband only hides before I get home from work or after I have gone to bed, and does his self-administered pleasure. This is very painful tp me, my life has been slipping by. I want an active sex life too! His affair with a co-worker was all a mind game. He fancied himself in love with her but as soon as I filed for divorce, he came running back to his security blanket. I don't mean to sound like I think all porn is bad, I just believe with all my heart that all porn and no real sexual activity with another human is wierd. Something is wrong and he needs help. But refuses to even admit that maybe he should try to get help. So where does this leave the woman?

11:06PM EDT08/16/99---Posted by Trish

BG - I don't think you are getting the idea. The main problem (atleast for me) is that my husband doesn't want sex with me. Nor his first wife, but I didn't know this until recently. For 16 years I have been left to think it was all my fault. During this time, I was staying home to watch his daughter from his first marriage, and our son - he was out at strip joints. I would have gladly been his love slave (I'm no prude) I do enjoy watching certain movies with the man in my life. It just so happens that my husband only hides before I get home from work or after I have gone to bed, and does his self-administered pleasure. This is very painful tp me, my life has been slipping by. I want an active sex life too! His affair with a co-worker was all a mind game. He fancied himself in love with her but as soon as I filed for divorce, he came running back to his security blanket. I don't mean to sound like I think all porn is bad, I just believe with all my heart that all porn and no real sexual activity with another human is wierd. Something is wrong and he needs help. But refuses to even admit that maybe he should try to get help. So where does this leave the woman?

About Me

I didn't serve in Vietnam. My high school classmates, Arthur Stroyman and Paul Dunne did. They've spent the past 40 years on the Vietnam War Memorial Wall. My children didn't serve in Afghanistan or Iraq. My friend Jane Bright's son, Evan Ashcraft did. He died and one of the only things that kept Jane going was to establish the Evan Ashchraft Foundation.
Honoring the all who gave some and the some who gave all so the rest of us could be free is just the beginning. We need to repay them. And our repayment shall be in preparing and helping them to succeed as much at Mission Home as their Mission to fight tyranny and terrorism.