Dr. Sally: Someone to blame

Dr. Sally Porter Ross, the psychologist who drives the Middle Lane on Wednesdays, writes about loving friends so much that you are willing to risk losing them. Here’s Dr. Sally:

During my graduate school days, a very wise professor once told me: “As a psychologist, you will often be asked to intervene in the lives of friends and family. It will most often happen in the areas of relationships. This can be very seductive, as you’ve learned much during all your years of schooling and practice and you usually really care about the person wanting your help. But, whenever this happens, you must always give three words as your reply: ‘I don’t know.’ These will be the most freeing words you will learn during all your graduate years of study. And remember, if you don’t utter these three words and instead, fall into that pit of being the advice-giver, the problem-solver or the decision-maker, then you will have added just one dimension to their situation: now, when their problem persists, they have someone to blame: you!”

For most of my adult life, I have followed this sage advice. However, there was one exception. An overseas friend, whom I loved deeply, became an alcoholic. I knew this through reports from their family and friends. All asked me to intervene. Initially, I refused, saying that those who witnessed the situation first hand should handle it. But, finally, I agreed to act. I did so because this person was in a position to do great harm to others as a result of their drinking. I knew that once I became openly involved, I could well be the one blamed, that after the dust had settled, I could ultimately lose the friendship. But I also knew that while this would cause me great sorrow, I could live with it. What I could not live with was the call in the middle of the night, saying that my friend had killed someone while driving drunk or that they had brought great harm to someone while practicing their profession.

So, I intervened. And, I was the one who was blamed. And I lost the friendship. Not a day goes by that I don’t deeply miss my friend. But they are now sober and doing good work in the world. So I can’t say that I regret my part in pushing them in that direction.

Have any of you become the “someone to blame?” If so, do you regret what you did? Or, like me, do you carry a sadness you experience daily along with a deep, true conviction that you did what was right and that, if placed in that situation again, you would step up to the plate and once more, become the “someone to blame?”

3 Responses

sounds like the friend might be “dry” but not sober. or not sober for long. his retained resentment will take him back to his old ways. a truly sober person would have realized the concern that prompted you to intervene.