Oh, you.

Sometimes I look at what people are searching for that brings them to this blog, and sometimes the search term is so long that you have to hover over it with your curser to see the search phrase pop up, and then you just sort of back away slowly while shaking your head.

Below is a screenshot of a few things people were googling that brought them to this blog. (If you can’t read the picture then click on it once to see a larger version.)

Baffled.

PS. A message to the person leaving the second search-term: I’m not sure if you meant to write “babyshitting” or “babysitting” but either way, you’ve managed to misspell it. Also, what is wrong with you?

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And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Hey, I won a BlogHer Voice of the Year in Humor this year and I won’t be there because I’m poor, so I need you to scream ridiculously for my post when it is shared, please. It is the one about Star Trek. Please and thank you.

(Will do. And I hear you on the money. It always costs more than you think it will. ~ Jenny)

I have a blog, and when I get spam, I often look to see how they got to me. Once, a long time ago, I took a photo of my cat sitting on top of the propane stove/fireplace. It was in the middle of summer, and not even the pilot light was on. I titled that blog, ” How to cook a cat.” I am disgusted at how many people get there with that google request!” The second most popular search seems to be, “Only sluts get tattoos.” BTW the second one was my mother’s quote, not mine.

People be crazy. The best search terms used to get to my blog this week were, “giant suppository” and “my battery is low when I gotta go google what about farts.” What?

And the link you shared, “The future is here and it’s horrible,” made me cry-laugh, craugh. That first one with the trash flying everywhere, I’m just picturing someone watching out their window and then, “Oh no that di’int just happen.”

Cabinets of Wonder reminds me of (author of The Invention of Hugo Cabret) – Brian Selznick’s Wonderstruck. There are 2 stories: Ben’s, set in the 70’s & told entirely in words and Rose’s, set 40 years in the past & told entirely in pictures. A real cabinet of wonders is a prominent feature in the story. It looks like a looooong read – but it really isn’t! I have shared it with my 3rd and 4th graders as a read aloud & character study text. It’s a great summer escape!

But seriously, what was the rest of the search that started with “I put hydrogen peroxide in my ear for fly but found there was a tiny one …” That one. Yes, I need to see how that one wraps up… Was he/she trying to kill the fly? Simply cleanse it?

To be fair, I’ve never seen birds and bees getting it on either. I don’t understand that phrase.

I might, but my mom never gave me The Talk. She just let me go to public school when I was 10-13. I learned about pregnancy and sex safety thanks to her watching Lifetime constantly around the same time. She tried to give The Talk to me when I was 18 or 19 and I was like, “no, stop, I’m already scarred for life don’t make it worse”.

The Science Museum in Oklahoma City has a Wunderkammer (aka Cabinet of Wonder), and ever since I visited it, I’ve been collecting for one of my own. So far, I have an unidentified skull, some feathers, and a few photos of dead birds.

“angry vagina” is my favorite too. I once wrote a story about how my Grandma called my kitty cat leggings “hot pussy” pants. And now I have all sorts of fairly disgusting search terms that show up. I’m sure the “searchers” are very disappointed in what they find.

I love how the searcher felt the need to star out the “i” and “n” in “fucking.”
I think the message is that the ongoing nature of the verb is the heinous part that needs to be censored, rather than the singular act.
Only fuck once, kids.

Yea, sometimes I try to talk to google like it’s a crazy friend/therapist. I’m probably on a lot of the NSA’s lists. But, I don’t expect google to answer back and I certainly don’t expect it to be a friend of mine who got kidnapped. It’s odd to think that some people might be weirder than me.

Be careful with the Cabinet of Wonder. I started one about a year ago and now I’m that weird brawd at Estate Sales being given the stink eye because “that statue of Jesus isn’t creepy enough for my collection”. I do however, have a wet specimen of a raccoon fetus which keeps certain people from ever darkening my doorstep. Win!

I’d like to see the rest of the hydrogen peroxide in the ear with a fly something… Anyway, you have the craziest search terms finding your blog period. I don’t think any blogger can beat you on this. My craziest search was, “Dribble it down my face college girl,” and that just does not even come close to your search terms.

I have had 9 people referred to my site by Googling “disabled pussy”. I can only assume they were extremely disappointed when they got there. But then again, anyone searching for that probably deserves disappointment, if not jail time.

All of the search terms are slightly scary. Of course the one you highlighted is the scariest b/c it doesn’t seem like the guy is aware he’s entering a search term rather than a comment. He’s just chatting up the internet.

Someone Googled “I am in you.”
And Google said “Here, you must mean The Bloggess.”
And this seeker said “Yes, The Bloggess” with a click.
This is scaring me. I’m terrifying myself thinking of this seeker and where the IP address says this search originated and the finger that clicked the mouse and the insatiable hunger. And the eyes that crawl.

I also wanted to share a wine tasting story which has nothing to do with your post, but has everything to do with taxidermy animals. It involved a gold room with gold accessories, headdresses, and a gold couch. Greeting us at the front door was a stuffed leopard. If I could attach a picture I would. It was fantastic. Wine was good through.

I know that theoretically bloggers are supposed to look at search terms to “maximize SEO” or something, but I love them for pure entertainment value. Thanks for sharing yours. That paragraph is far better than even the craziest stuff that has brought people to my site.

[and when that searcher grows up a bit, and gets the hang of grammar, and has the benefit of hindsight…]

“Grandson, I’ll always remember that day. It was the day Eazy E went on to the great beyond. On that afternoon, your great-grandparents sat me down and talked to me about reproduction, using an oft-quoted phrase regarding birds and bees. But grandson, I’m here to tell you: In all my many days on God’s green earth, I’ve yet to see a bird having intercourse with a bee. So it is my belief that your great-grandparents did not, indeed, understand reproduction at all. And may Eazy E rest in peace.”

Aren’t you at all scared that a reader of your blog was able to kill Easy E just with their mental frustration around having sex poorly explained to them by their parents? Although, I guess they’re on your side so maybe their telepathic (telekinetic?) powers might come in handy…

A friend sent me a post you had a while back and that’s how I found you. But I couldn’t remember who you were but I remembered the post. So I looked up and googled… syphilis monkey. And I found you, and haven’t let you go

The Challenge::
Utilize all these delightful sentence starters within the body of a blog post. Its like creative candy crack, and, here- I’ll get you started….

“Despite suffering an angry vagina after debating my visitor’s angry cock-story, I decided to attempt teen lesbian babyshitting while wearing a wolf pelt. In addition to the single long white hair growing out of my face, the white fuzz on my face and neck made me look fatter, and lent itself to my credibility as a pack animal in search of kidnappers wanting a bj. I almost didn’t need to take the extra step of putting hydrogen peroxide in my ear for the tiny fly in there… I was feeling exhilaratingly wild already. ”

I try to avoid my curser at all costs, and would certainly never co-hover with it. Hey, it’s a real word, so Mr.Spellcheck can’t help! Spelling? I’m one to talk. Damn it, Jen, I’m an engineer, not a grammaticyst.