NASA's Guide to Doomsday

Government scientists should be trusted, obviously

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Have the ads for the disaster porn movie "2012" worked you to a tizzy? Are you wandering around the house, fretting about the Mayan calendar? Are you hoarding tin foil, constructing not just hats, but entire suits, including wee little ones for the 14 cats you own? If so, you're a nutball.

And that's why the rest of us are all thankful that the government is ready to respond to all citizens, sane and insane alike.

The good folks at NASA -- who've brought us such innovation as Tang and those pens that write upside-down -- have outdone themselves with their latest effort. They recently posted a 2012 FAQ: your guide to the end of the world.

"Question (Q): Are there any threats to the Earth in 2012? Many Internet websites say the world will end in December 2012.Answer (A): Nothing bad will happen to the Earth in 2012. Our planet has been getting along just fine for more than 4 billion years, and credible scientists worldwide know of no threat associated with 2012."

Oh yeah, but what about IN-credible scientists? What do they say? I mean, I was just reading this thing on the internet about how the Mayans predicted that real government scientists would try to dupe the unsuspecting public into tranquility before the world exploded, just like in the movie.

"Q: How do NASA scientists feel about claims of pending doomsday?A: For any claims of disaster or dramatic changes in 2012, where is the science? Where is the evidence? There is none, and for all the fictional assertions, whether they are made in books, movies, documentaries or over the Internet, we cannot change that simple fact. There is no credible evidence for any of the assertions made in support of unusual events taking place in December 2012."

Oh, but Mr. Scientist -- Mr. Can't-Be-Trusted Government Scientist, that is -- can you show us any evidence that there WON'T be doomsday in 2012. Your puny calls for facts and so-called "evidence" ring hollow until you provide said "evidence" for yourself. Prove to us that there ISN'T an invisible planet tracking silently behind the sun, waiting to emerge in a few years to destroy Earth.

On one hand, we have government scientists telling us we'll be OK. On the other hand, we've got a capitalist visionary like Roland Emmerich, director of the movie, telling us something else. Who's got more at stake? The scientists in their cushy taxpayer-funded jobs or the director who stands to lose millions of his business' money should the movie lack credibility.