Hi! I'm sorry, I know. I've missed you too. I've actually been working on this post for a while - I just didn't know how to say it.

But then, tonight - I read the post that I was trying to create - written by another mother, on another blog. So I'm going to send you there to read it.

Before I do, let me give you a little background.

Recently, I was finishing project #2 (I'll post pictures later). I was having a great night! I had a couple friends over. Jon had a friend over too and we were all sitting downstairs with Grandma. It was a perfect evening filled with laughter and crafts and music. Then my phone dinged. I had an email from an Expectant Mom.

I read her email - and I was hopeful. But cautious. It sounded funny. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and I emailed her back. Then we did some background work, and it looked like this woman was real. We exchanged emails back and forth - and then, just as quickly as it began, the emails stopped. Right when I asked her to contact my agency. And then the rest of the information came in.

You see, I am a part of several groups that protect each other against scams. Whenever an adoptive couple is messaged, and it sounds ... off ... we cross check. And this woman had been caught in several lies.

Turns out this girl was running a scam. Sadly, this is a real thing. I'm generally met with disbelief whenever I tell somebody that this sort of scam exists.

Let me give you quick rundown: there are generally two types of scams ran on hopeful adoptive parents:

1. An expectant mother contacts a couple and makes an adoption plan with them. Asks for living expenses to be paid, or medical expenses to be paid. Gives birth, and then keeps the baby. There is no protection for the hopeful adoptive parents who have just lost all that money. They are sent away to a home that they have prepared to be parents in, with no baby.

Let me VERY clear. To make an adoption plan knowing full well that you will not follow through is a scam. Making an adoption plan, and then deciding to parent the child is not a scam. Every mother has the right to change her mind and parent her child. That is not the situation I am describing above.

2. Worse (in my opinion) is the emotional scammer. In most cases, an emotional scammer isn't even pregnant. An emotional scammer steals ultrasound pictures from the internet and passes them off as her own (even worse - you can buy them. And fake positive pregnancy tests, too). They take you for an emotional ride - having all the power over you. They will say things like "If you want this baby ..." or "I'm going to find somebody else if you won't ..." They do it for fun. They do it to feel powerful. This was the type of scam that I was hit with.

In this case, I'm lucky. I realized that I was being scammed within 24 hours. I did not invest any money in this situation, and I was not emotionally invested yet either. I was easily able to walk away. But I was angry. I am still angry. I know couples, real live people, who have lost thousands of dollars and months of their lives to scammers. It's heartbreaking. It's horrific. And there's nothing that can be done to stop it.

So that's the background. If you click here, you will be taken to another blog and an open letter written to adoption scammers. It's short - but to the point. It's exactly everything that I wish I could say.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. All this waiting can really start to get you down and drive you crazy. Really. Crazy.

So Jonathan and I talked about how to make this wait a little easier for ourselves. We decided to sign up for a couple of social media accounts that connect us with other adoptive families as well as with potential Expectant Mothers (they're called Adoptimist and Your Adoption Gateway - but more on those in a future post)

I've also decided that I am going to work on 2 projects a month for either the baby, or the nursery. With that in mind, I picked up a project I started last year, but never actually finished! I present to you ...... (drum roll) ...... the over the crib mobile!

​

​Ugh - I just realized that it's hanging crooked - so now I'm going to have to go upstairs and fix it.

Close up. Look at those elephants!

Coming up next ... painting the nursery! Maybe ... or maybe the alphabet project for over the dresser. We'll see.

In the meantime, enjoy this slideshow of the process I followed to make this project.

Today's post is not written by me, but rather by Rachel Shriver. It's our first Guest Post!!

I've been wanting to talk about Positive Adoption Language for quite some time, but could never do it as passionately and as fiercely as Rachel - two words that describe Rachel perfectly, actually. I was absolutely honored when I heard that Rachel chose PAL as the topic of an argumentative essay assignment at Penn State - and am equally honored to share her passion with you today.

I hope you not only enjoy Rachel's essay, but that it helps you to consider a side of adoption that perhaps you hadn't thought of before.

Love,​Nikisha

“We’re Adopting!”

“You know, you could’ve just gotten a Mexican baby off of the street for free!” “How much did he cost?” “Is her real mom still in the picture? …was she a crack baby?” “Oh, you’re adopting? I didn’t know you were having fertility problems.” “Don’t you want your own kids? There’s just such a bond when you have real kids!”​Hundreds of these offensive and naïve comments are aimed at prospective adoptive parents and parents who have already adopted every day, often creating a tense, awkward environment for all parties involved. There is not a graceful way to explain, “I am her “real” mom, this wasn’t a plan B for me, and my child isn’t a pair of shoes you purchase in a catalog.” With over 60% of people reporting in 2002 (Quiroz) that they had been individually affected by adoption in one way or another, anything but the use of Positive Adoption Language (also known as Respectful Adoption Language) is unacceptable and unwarranted. Just as education about inclusive language regarding homophobia, mental illness, equality of the sexes, and other social issues are beginning to pick up steam, PAL should be right along with them. Society’s perception of adoption needs to expand beyond the stereotypical Christian white parents who are infertile; society cannot allow others’ sense of self to take the blows from public ignorance. Positive Adoption Language and adoption familiarity need to be more universally known and accepted in order to positively reinforce adoptees’ and their parents’ bonds and identities.

With over 150 million children internationally living in need of a family (not including those in orphanages) and 2.5% of children in the U.S. alone having been adopted (PBS), almost every person in America is bound to come across adoption personally at some point in their lives. It is common amongst children who have been adopted, especially older kids, to battle with issues of abandonment and trust. Language such as “when did your parents give you up?” or hearing a joke in the lunch line of a peer yelling to another “ha- well, you’re adopted!” only serves to fortify these obstacles, and can leave someone feeling like they have no sense of self or a family. Media and film are major sources that permit and promote negative language. A classic example is that family movie or TV show with the witty big sister that tricks the younger brother into believing he is adopted: “I mean, really Johnny. Just look at yourself- you’re a redhead! Do you see any other redheads in our family?” The younger brother is mortified and runs upstairs to the parents, shouting, “Am I really adopted?!” and the parents chuckle a little with a shocked expression on their face and respond, “Well, of course not little Johnny! Why would you ever say that?” Johnny stops crying, the sister gets in trouble, and the audience is entertained. This directly teaches children that being adopted is something to be ashamed of, and that it is actually funny to ridicule someone’s identity; going as far as using it as an insult. These “jokes” are direct microaggressions against adoptees and need to be eliminated in common conversation to protect others’ deep rooted perceptions of belonging.

A widespread accepted phenomenon among people who have not considered adoption is that adoption is a “plan B,” for everyone, all the time. It is almost expected that parents choosing to adopt will be asked by an outsider about their presumed fertility problems, simply because the idea of choosing adoption over pregnancy is a foreign concept to some. Regardless of the fact that one’s reproductive system is personal and perhaps should not be causally brought into conversation over a Facebook message, nor in line at a grocery store, questioning someone’s health in correlation with someone planning to adopt it is a prominent sign of ignorance and carelessness. When someone directly correlates adoption to infertility, it not only implies that choosing adoption is wrong, but that it is also undesirable. No one wants something “wrong” with them, so when one insinuates this to a prospective adoptive parent, it is disheartening and displays disapproval. Many couples who discover they are infertile do decide to adopt, but even considering infertility as a stepping stone to adoption does not take away from the beauty and magnitude of the journey ahead. Putting aside all reasons why someone decided on adoption, parents choosing adoption still need all support from the people around them; not harrowing questions from their oblivious counterparts.

In 2013 it was reported by Gallup (Benson) that 58% of Americans were against all abortions. However, in that same year, only 249,694 adoptions took place in the U.S. (Intercountry Adoptions). These statistics are startling because if abortion services were wholly eliminated, a percentage of these pregnancies would end in more children being placed in waiting. Yet if we apply those statistics, that is about 3% of Americans adopting (University of Oregon), but 58% demanding the elimination of abortions. With thousands of children aging out of the foster system every day and others bouncing from home to home for years, the low rates of adoption and awareness of it being a primary option for some people is alarming. There are ads on the sides of websites advertising: “Timothy, 14. Has a smile that will melt any parent's heart. Very polite, funny, and slow to open up, but he loves sports! Contact this number if you’re interested in adopting Timothy.” Children are creating short pitches for themselves, not for a job, or for a college admission, but for the prize of parents, endless love, and worth. Society easily takes these serious, heart wrenching issues and slaps a “who’s your real mom?” on the end and walks away. These negative comments suggest a child's parent who adopted them is not their "actual" parent, and prolong the stigmas associated with adoption.

The way society talks about adoption was not even recognized as “negative” until the 1980s, when Positive Adoption Language appeared (Quiroz). Some argue it is being “too politically correct,” overrated, and sensitive. Where is the line of “too politically correct” drawn when it is referring to one’s identity? Language directly shapes personal identities and views of others, which is why society has widely deemed using “nigger” or “retarded” unacceptable in any case (Schlumpf). If a small change from using “natural mother” to “birth mother” or “gave a child up” versus “made an adoption plan for” can help aid a vulnerable child’s idea of self and safety, it would be foolish to argue being politically correct is too much work. Most of society’s use of negative language results purely from ignorance, and although awareness is increasing, it is by no means where it needs to be. For example, November was named National Adoption Month by Bill Clinton in 1995. Although this was a huge win for adoption supporters, it is disconcerting that this issue was given an awareness month nationally less than 20 years ago, when adoption has been around far longer. It is confusing that Columbus Day is ubiquitously known by most Americans (recognition and awareness for a man who is now realized to have done more harm than good), but jokes such as, “you’re adopted!” still float in day-to-day conversation; with hovering oblivion to any harm done. If Positive Adoption Language could be as recognized as “save the tatas,” humanity could be a safer place for so many people who have been adopted. These efforts would also most likely decrease those children waiting for families, and increase America’s 3%. Adoption statistics and realities need to move away from sympathetic looks and empty comments of “what a shame,” to action, difference, and a change in structure on what adoption truly is.

The views and associations of adoption are in desperate need of reform, and the key to fix this issue is increasing public knowledge. Criticisms of being “overly political correct” when referring to language involving adoption need to be erased. Most Americans are given family bonds without effort or even much thought, whereas many children are acutely familiar with how difficult establishing everlasting attachments and securities can be. Even if a person is not interested in adopting for themselves, it is still worth a great deal for society to be mindful of what they say and what their impact can be on someone’s identity. With millions of children sitting in waiting, the least they deserve is a safe environment in the world that they can further grow in and form who they are. Elie Wiesel said “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” Contributing to the struggle of negative stigmas that adoption carries is not necessarily openly bashing the idea. It more commonly comes in its smaller forms. It comes in the mall: with cocked heads and squinted stares and, “how is that her real mom if she’s black and her mom’s Asian?” It comes in conversation while clinking glasses: with family around the table and adoption announcements and, “Here’s to Jane and Eric’s adoption...and may they also have their own kids one day!” It comes in family tree presentations in the first grade: with young audiences and bizarre looks and, “Class, Carey’s real mom couldn’t take care of her, so she gave her up, and that’s why her tree is different from everyone else’s!” Positive Adoption Language and adoption efforts are slowly growing, but so are the number of children waiting for families. Society must take it upon themselves to bring change. Indifference can no longer be accepted as normal.

I am beyond humbled at the amount of love and support Jonathan and I have been showered with recently.

Rachel Shriver surprised me with a t-shirt fundraiser. It was so popular, that after it closed, she got multiple requests to reopen it, which she has (so there's still a chance to get one if you love it!)

​I'll let the pictures do the rest of the talking. If you would like one, they can be purchased here: www.bonfirefunds.com/kozik-adoption.

​If you bought one already, and I haven't included your picture below, tag me on facebook with it, and I'll add it right away!

Love, Nikisha

PS - If you get one, upload a picture of yourself to social media and use the hashtag: #kozikadoption

This letter to you is about your Auntie MayMay. Here are 10 things you need to know about your Auntie MayMay, in no particular order:

1. Your aunt is one of two women in my life of whom I have no doubt will be with me until the day I die. Stephanie (your godmother) is the other one. Lucky for me, the two of them love each other too.

2. Your aunt and I are very different, in almost every way. We love each other beyond measure. We also fight with each other sometimes. Those fights can be epic. But we always love each other. I guess that's how sisters are.

3. Auntie MayMay is fiercely devoted to family, and is already fiercely devoted to you. I believe this waiting period (currently sitting at 40 weeks and 4 days, but who's counting?) is almost as hard on her as it is on Dad and me. She's already called "dibs" on many firsts in your life. Most of them dealing with fashion, which leads me to my next point ...

5. Your aunt is not perfect. Aunt May has had some hard times in her life, and made some hard decisions. Sometimes, they weren't the right decisions. But here's the thing: she knows she's not perfect, and she is constantly working on improving herself. I admire that so much.

6. Your aunt is talented. From writing, to drawing, to massage therapy. Anything she decides she wants to do, she excels at. I honestly believe she can do anything.

7. Your aunt is funny. Ask me to see the video of her acting like her thumbs were dragons. It's hilarious.

8. Your aunt tries so hard. She tries so hard to be there for others, to do the right thing, to love everybody around her. She tries so hard to be the best at what she does, to be an example to others, to not let the little things get her down. There are a lot of people in this world who judge Mayghan for the life she has lead so far - and those people are missing out on a huge opportunity not only to get to know the wonderful person that is my sister and your aunt, but to understand that she is constantly learning from herself and others. That's a lesson we can all learn, I think.

Everyday, I wake up after hitting snooze a couple times. I get coffee. I check my phone. I get in the shower and get ready for my day. I go to work. I come home. I spend time with my family.

These days, I'm in grad school. I do homework now instead of assigning it. I stress about my grades. I'm memorizing lines. I'm making new friends, and laughing with old ones. I'm missing my husband, but enjoying the support he gives me in furthering my education, even if that support comes from 715 miles away. I count down the days until I get to see him again - seventeen, in case you were wondering.

I enjoy the same hobbies as before Jonathan and I began this process. I read books. I paint my quotes. I drink wine. I shop (I swear I've only bought one pair of shoes while here in Chicago). I go to the theatre. I work out ... sometimes.

But I'm also waiting. I have this little voice in the back of my head every step along the way ....

I wake up after hitting snooze a couple times (maybe today will be the day). I get coffee (I love this coffee mug, it's so artistic. I wonder if our child will be artistic...). I check my phone (Maybe I got a call when I was downstairs and didn't hear it. No? Oh well. Let's catch up on some adoption blogs over this cup of coffee). I get in the shower and get ready for my day (How am I going to shower when there's a kid to watch? I guess that's what husbands are for...) I go to work (Yes, students, my ringer is on, and here's why...). I come home (No call today). I eat dinner (I really should learn to cook. And to eat more healthy. Isn't that what moms do?). I spend time with my family (our growing family...).

These days, I'm in grad school. I do homework now instead of assigning it. I stress about my grades. I'm memorizing lines. I'm making new friends, and laughing with old ones. I'm missing my husband, but enjoying the support he gives me in furthering my education, even if that support comes from 715 miles away. I count down the days until I get to see him again - seventeen, in case you were wondering. (What if we get the call while I'm still here in Chicago? Will I have to drop out? Will I have to take a couple years off? What if we get placed right before I start my last year? What then? Can Jon and Grandma and Baby Kozy live in Chicago with me? Is that selfish? What if ... In what other ways will being a mother change me? How long will "Baby Kozy" be an acceptable nickname?)

I enjoy the same hobbies as before Jonathan and I began this process. I read books (Adoption for Dummies...). I paint my quotes (each one that sells gets me that much closer to Baby Kozy). I drink wine (and make jokes about being an expectant mom and still being able to enjoy a glass of wine). I shop (Jon - I swear I've only bought one pair of shoes while here in Chicago) (And I avoid the baby section as best I can). I go to the theatre (How cool is it that my kids will grow up in the theatre?). I work out ... sometimes (this is so infrequent, we don't really need an adoption thought to go with it). And it goes on and on.

Being a waiting parent seems easy, and in a lot of ways it is. But in a lot of little hidden ways, it's really hard. While discussing this with a pregnant friend of mine, she said "It's like being pregnant, with no due date". Which is kinda true.

All the thoughts described above aren't 100% of the time. But it is constantly somewhere in my mind. Almost every time my phone rings, I wonder briefly before I see the caller ID if it's my social worker. When I see baby items at a store, it's hard for me to resist stopping and losing myself in imagination. Instead of just checking Facebook and updating my status, I'm checking in with adoption support groups - both large and small. I am celebrating joys and literally crying over bumps in other people's roads. Because I fear I will have the same bumps, and I fear I won't have the strength to overcome them.

Being a waiting adoptive parent is like being in love with somebody who you don't know yet, and cannot wait to meet. Isn't that how all expectant parents feel?

My Aunt Karla has graciously hosted an online tupperware party to benefit our adoption. If you find yourself in need of tupperware products, please consider purchasing through the link below.

Thank you all for your continued love and support. I would like to say two special thank yous. First to Aunt Karla for thinking of us when setting it up, we appreciate you more than we could ever say. Second to my mother. She wrote up an absolutely beautiful description of me and Jon on the Facebook Event page - it truly brought tears to my eyes.

As it's been a while - I thought I would entertain you with all the things that have been in my mind recently. Doesn't that sound like fun? :)

I am so grateful. For so many things in my life. My husband. My health. My grandmother. My cats. My awesome job. But today I want to focus on something else that I don't think I've ever articulated in words. My support network.

I have been so lucky to be the recipient of so much support. Ninety-nine percent of my family has welcomed our adoption plans with nothing but enthusiasm and excitement. I have never felt the need to explain our desire to adopt or defend our decisions. I cannot even begin to explain how much that means to Jonathan and me. We are so lucky to have such an awesome family on both sides.

We have also been given support from some pretty awesome friends. From Trisha allowing me to talk endlessly about this process to Stephanie and Eric generously accepting the post of Godparents to my Junebugs who created us a cookbook and a fund that comes from those sales (that's right!! I have a cookbook dedicated to our adoption journey!!) - the support has been overwhelming. And wonderful. Thank you. From the bottom of our hearts. I have lots of thank you cards going out in the mail soon - they are overdue, and I am so sorry. Being busy is never a good excuse - but it's the only one I have.

Next update: I am now an artist! Ok, I guess technically I always was with my performing. But now I've focused in what I can do to continue building funds for our adoption. So I would like to introduce to you The PaintedPage ! It's not very populated right now - but I will continue to create these paintings and put up listings on the store. If you find yourself in need of a kinda cool concept painting - head on over and get one! I can do any quote from any book. Here's one I did last night/today for my good friend Lia ...

So that's kinda fun! And really - any quote, any book. Or song lyric. Or whatever. I enjoy making them - and then you can say "I have an original Kozik Quote Painting" ... but only if you say it in a snooty voice.

Random Thought: Mommy shaming. What? Seriously? How is this a thing? I have just recently stumbled upon this "trend" and I was horrified. I don't know ANYTHING about parenting (want a good story? Ask my dad about the time I discovered how expensive daycare is) - so how could I possibly judge another human being on how they are raising their tiny human being? Then I realized the awful truth ... I was already doing it.

I've looked at kids who were filthy and thought "You really need a bath". Or a baby who wasn't wearing shoes and thought "that seems like a terrible idea". I've side-eyed women who I thought breast fed for too long, or not long enough. I've judged celebrity's baby's names. I could go on.

But here's the thing. I could be placed with a baby today. TODAY. (I mean, in all likelihood we have a while to go, but still) And I am going to know just as much about being a parent in that moment as I do now. Which is almost nothing. I'm going to make so many mistakes. I'm going to call on so many people for advice and help. And I am going to be judged. Harshly. And I'll cry over that. And then I'm going to move on with my life - because whatever I am doing, I am doing because in that moment I think that's what's best for our baby. And isn't that what it's all about?

So please, let's not mommy shame. It's shameful (ha! see what I did there?).

Parting Thought: Something that I have been noticing a lot recently is the tendency for people to be nervous about asking me questions. Most people say something along the lines of "Is it okay if I ask ...". Here is my universal response ... YES!!

The majority of questions that are asked about my adoption are asked out of mere curiosity or the need for information in order to begin their own adoption process. Regardless of the reason why the questions are asked, it is a topic which I highly enjoy discussing - and will do so until I am asked to stop. So please ask away. Even if you are part of that negligible percentage of people who ask with ill intent in their hearts - please ask. I will do everything I can to hear your point of view and respect it. But I do want to ask that you respect my decision and be kind.

A lot of people ask if we want to adopt more than one, and so the long and short of it is - yes! absolutely!

I am lucky enough to have sisters. One biologically, and one through my mother's second marriage. I am also lucky enough to have amazing relationships with both of these women, although I will be the first to admit (closely followed by my sister Mayghan) that being an only child was something that I dreamed of growing up and when I discovered I had friends who were only children. "What do you mean you don't have to share your clothes?! Ugh. You are SO lucky."

Growing up, Jon was happy to be the only child. He got all the attention, got spoiled by his grandparents, didn't have to fight anybody. He says it was nice. (Can you tell he's a man of few words?)

So when it comes to our children, Jon and I bring two different viewpoints to the table. We both agree however, that we want to adopt more than one child. And whenever this conversation happens, I wonder who we will have as our second child. Will we adopt the way we are now (domestic infant adoption)? Or will we go overseas? Or will we foster to adopt? Will we have an older child? I just don't know. I do know that I hope, wish, and pray that they are as close with each other as I am with my siblings.

I also hope that I don't have to defend to people that they are "real siblings". This has been a topic of many articles that I have read recently - and those women handled the situation so much better than I would - but that's a topic for another post.

This probably seems waaaaaay too early to be thinking about this sort of thing, especially since we haven't been placed with one yet. But I've been reading a collection of blogs that host a link up every two weeks, and this is the most recent topic - so it's been on my brain. I'm actually really far behind on those blogs - so this is a really late post. But if you have some time, you should hop on over and check out their much-more-active-than-mine blogs:

We moved into a new house - something you may have already heard. Here is the "Yay! We bought a house!" Picture:

And then one week later we had a pipe burst and we woke up to 16 inches of water in our basement. So that really sucked - and as a result we haven't really done much but moved our stuff in. No pictures on the walls yet, no fun decorating projects. But I have plans! And dreams! They'll get done eventually.

I've been plugging away at work - we're producing Seussical the Musical this year, and it's been hard. I really expected this show to be a walk in the park as I have seen it and directed it and performed in it all before. But it has been a real challenge. Costuming has been a blast though. Lots of bright colors and patterns.

Nothing really new on the adoption front. I've actually been avoiding talking about it with people. I feel like perhaps I wore my heart on my sleeve just a little too much with this previous potential match. Normally, I'm an advocate for talking about your feelings whenever you need/want to - but I feel like if we have another potential match situation, I'll only tell those nearest to us. That way I won't have to consistently explain that we were not chosen this time - and that it's okay that we weren't chosen. I've come to realize that people who don't know us or our journey very well expect me to act a certain way in certain situations, and I just don't like that. So, we'll just avoid that altogether.

Jon has been working and taking care of grandma with me (we had to move her upstairs due to the flooding) - which has been wonderful. He's also been the world's best husband helping me with the show in terms of building and going shopping with me for costumes (he even picks some out - and they're consistently better than the ones I pick!) We love our new home - and I'm really excited to put together the nursery, and I think he is too. I'll make sure to post pictures of that when it happens.