The confession you weren't expecting from Lance Armstrong.

Come down to Armstrong Used Rugs this weekend for our annual blowout rug sale!

He used them to hide the trap-door entranceway to his underground laboratory where he had enslaved children mixing stonger strains of steroids. Seriously this guy is way more evil than we all thought. He's so evil that even rugs are considered an accessory to his crimes. All so he could ride his bike real fast. We knew we were wrong to put our faith in a guy named Lance. Go on, show us a non-evil Lance. There aren't any.