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Talib Kweli Releases Surprise Album Too

By a Gossiping Bitch on December 20th, 2013

If you’re reading that headline and thinking hahahiphoponion, think again, fool! Fact: Talib Kweli released an album this week. Fact: You had no idea that happened. If an album comes out and no one is around to hear it, then that makes it a Surprise Album. This story has a solid foundation based on superficial interviews with random people who don’t know anything.

“I am afraid you have me at a disadvantage,” said your uncle when asked if he knew that Kweli’s album, Gravitas, was released earlier this week. “These words have no meaning to me, individually or in total. Leave my office now. You disappoint my sister.”

Really, call your mom. But your uncle was not alone. Even the online rap journalistic community seemed caught unawares:

“WTF! Noooooooooo, didn’t know about it,” said writer with Tumblr account (an actual adult, whatever the prose may imply), “and I don’t have time for REALHIPHOPFUCKLILWAYNE anyway. I am currently covering the burgeoning Tampa frippfripp scene. I’ve streamed all of Chootah’s youtubes, and watched all the suggesteds too with the Mosquito crew and them. I use some of the same words they do, like ‘chootsy.’ That means good. If you don’t know that, I will make fun of you.”

If rap writers slept, it is no surprise rap fans slumbered as well. One guy we assumed was a rap fan because he was nodding his head to whatever was playing on his headphones told us he had “no idea that dude still existed as a music entity.” When asked how he managed to avoid early discovery of Gravitas, headphone guy said, “I think the secret to this whole thing was not caring. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to knock out these neck flexes.”

For his part, Kweli was excited to finally let the world in on the secret.

“[…um…yeah, this is Amy, unpaid intern at Gossiping Bitches, and I was supposed to transcribe the interview tape and fill this quote, but I’ve got finals and NO time to do anything. They kind of just left me to do all this and went on vacation. I’d quit if I thought this company wouldn’t look impressive on my resume. Anyways! Talib said a lot, there were a lot of consonants and staccato kind of words upon words, and not a lot of breathing, and I don’t know if you can call someone’s manner of speech claustrophobic, but yeah he seemed happy about his album. Got to study now, will fix this after winter break bye xoxo]”

Thoughtful words from the veteran Brooklyn rapper. The surprise album has several innovative bonus features sure to excite fans:

– Each song will come with its own 3-5 minutes of rapping.
– Musical accompaniment including quantized synthetic drum beats, samples, and some live instrumentation.
– Probably some talking and stuff, we haven’t listened to it.