RamblingMoosehttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com
It's easier to get here with www.ramblingmoose.com but hey, that's cool!Sun, 18 Mar 2018 13:54:37 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/https://s2.wp.com/i/buttonw-com.pngRamblingMoosehttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com
Why dont you ever see rhinos hiding in trees? They’re good at it!https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/18/why-dont-you-ever-see-rhinos-hiding-in-trees-theyre-good-at-it/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/18/why-dont-you-ever-see-rhinos-hiding-in-trees-theyre-good-at-it/#respondSun, 18 Mar 2018 13:46:59 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=6008A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.
Terrified, they did so thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/18/why-dont-you-ever-see-rhinos-hiding-in-trees-theyre-good-at-it/feed/0ramblingmooseI’m not bragging, but I made six figures this year so they named me the year’s worst employee at the toy factory…https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/17/im-not-bragging-but-i-made-six-figures-this-year-so-they-named-me-the-years-worst-employee-at-the-toy-factory/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/17/im-not-bragging-but-i-made-six-figures-this-year-so-they-named-me-the-years-worst-employee-at-the-toy-factory/#respondSat, 17 Mar 2018 13:33:27 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=6006The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers.

Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger.

All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony.

Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, sturdier. Turns out, Thumb worked quite well with the individual Fingers, and everyone found that they could perform better and do more with Thumb’s help.

Thumb became so useful to the Fingers that soon they found they could not live without his help.

Thumb began to make demands of the Fingers; first it was just more pay, but then he wanted more and more. A diamond-studded glove, a luxury car, the list of demands became longer and longer.

But what could the Fingers do? They resented Thumb’s demands, but needed his help far too much to risk alienating him.

Eventually, Thumb was elected King. And if you think regular Thumb was demanding, King Thumb was worse.

Soon, all the Fingers began to resent King Thumb, for his rulings were tyrannical, and he never, ever trimmed his nail.

The Fingers began to despair, for they feared they would never be able to stand up to King Thumb.

Until one day, when Pinky realized that the Fingers could indeed stand up to the tyranny of King Thumb.

Until then, everyone thought that it was impossible to stand up to Thumb, but Pinky remembered that all Thumbs are, in fact, opposable.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/17/im-not-bragging-but-i-made-six-figures-this-year-so-they-named-me-the-years-worst-employee-at-the-toy-factory/feed/0ramblingmooseInstalling a Software Defined Radio on Debian Linux 9 using RTL-SDRhttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/14/installing-a-software-defined-radio-on-debian-linux-9-using-rtl-sdr/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/14/installing-a-software-defined-radio-on-debian-linux-9-using-rtl-sdr/#respondWed, 14 Mar 2018 14:37:29 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=6001So this one is so simple that it’s only three steps (as root)

Get the radio – and a GOOD antenna. The one that came with the thing is crap. www.rtl-sdr.com is a good first resource to learn about this stuff, but you should be able to get one online from $10 to $20.

Install the tuner of your choice – gqrx is in the Repo. apt install gqrx-sdr

Then have fun. This was GQRX and the RTL-SDR tuned into Radio Martí En Español from my South Florida home. Your Income Tax Dollars At Work. I clearly need a better antenna for Shortwave.

A short description. RTL-SDR is a Software Defined Radio built on specific set of chips including the RTL tuner as well as others. They are thumb drive sized and work out of the box from 24MHz give or take and as high as 5GHz on some specialized models.

Some of them using a “Direct Sample” mode or an “Upconverter” will receive from 0 cycles to 29 MHz.

They receive in AM, FM (narrow, wide, and stereo), and Single Side Band. With companion software you can receive all sorts of things like Baby Monitors, Pagers, Weather Radar, FM Broadcast, and more static and pops and clicks than you will ever figure out what to do with.

In Debian 9 Stretch, everything is found in your software repository. It is accessible with many of the Debian Derived Distributions such as Ubuntu and Q4OS as well as others. It’s available for Fedora, although I could not tell you a thing about that other than “I read something about that somewhere”.

With Debian 8 and earlier you had to compile some of the software. I never got it working on Debian 7. There were also distributions of Debian that would have a complete environment set up for you to boot from USB or DVD Rom, and they would work if a bit slow due to DVD I/O speeds.

But this way if you have a Debian Derived computer, you are almost there.

One thing to consider. The Direct Sample Mode is accessed via an entry in gqrx.

Change your frequency to test by either hitting the (WFM Stereo) FM band and scanning or in the US weather radio is at Narrow FM 162.45-162.65 MHz

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/14/installing-a-software-defined-radio-on-debian-linux-9-using-rtl-sdr/feed/0ramblingmooseWhen does a dad joke become a dad joke? When it’s fully groan.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/11/when-does-a-dad-joke-become-a-dad-joke-when-its-fully-groan/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/11/when-does-a-dad-joke-become-a-dad-joke-when-its-fully-groan/#respondSun, 11 Mar 2018 13:30:50 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5999Now that we’re all bleary eyed and half awake after the time change here in Florida, and the rest of the world is still pointing and laughing… I have a Dad Joke. Or rather, this is the kind of Dad Joke my Dad would tell.

Happy Groaning

Do The Wrong Thing

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?” The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another” trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/11/when-does-a-dad-joke-become-a-dad-joke-when-its-fully-groan/feed/0ramblingmooseTime Change Day Will Take All Day, But Maybe Not Againhttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/10/time-change-day-will-take-all-day-but-maybe-not-again/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/10/time-change-day-will-take-all-day-but-maybe-not-again/#respondSat, 10 Mar 2018 14:02:33 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5994Having a weird attachment for Time Pieces, clocks, watches, computers, and loud ticky things that are starting to get on my nerves takes days to find them all.

Twice a year we set our clocks forward or backwards – Spring Ahead, Fall back.

Tomorrow is the official day, but I generally start well before the time change day because over the years I have been given, bought, collected a bunch of clocks.

Like forty-leven-and-a-half of them.

Since I tend to fix anything of my own that breaks, they all work. Or maybe not. There’s one or two with a broken mainspring somewhere.

That and there’s this one clock I have on a wall above my right shoulder that annoys the daylights out of me. It ticks loud enough to be heard in the bedroom at night and it’s in the dining room. It also has a weird quirk that if it stops, you can’t set the correct time since it will drift to about 20 minutes slow. or more. Then you remove the pendulum and let it run in super-fast mode until it “catches up”.

Now you know what I am doing this weekend. Setting clocks. Each time I use one.

Blah.

However, finally, someone is going to do what I have been saying all these years.

Set It And Forget It.

I personally don’t care if it is Daylight Savings Time.

I personally don’t care if it is Standard Time.

Just stop setting the clocks forward or backwards.

Set it and forget it!

They are considering that here for Florida. If the law passes, I will cheer. Why? It will be Daylight Savings Time all year until someone gets annoyed and repeals the law.

It could as easily be Standard Time for me, I simply don’t care. I just don’t want to set that damn wall clock.

It will annoy the rest of the country for the three or so months that we drift out of sync from the rest of the Eastern Time Zone, but everyone outside of Florida thinks we’re weird anyway.

From what I see, we might be. We have iguanas that shred our plants, alerts because pythons are seen eating cats, and sharks in the tidal water about 5 miles from the intracoastal from time to time.

Yep, it’s a weird state, but abolishing Daylight Savings Time is a step in the right direction.

So if you will excuse me, that nail that sticks up the highest is about to get hit with a sledge hammer.

Yes, I have my wall clock to remove a pendulum from.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/10/time-change-day-will-take-all-day-but-maybe-not-again/feed/0ramblingmooseTraining Rack at Lowes or Lost in Hardwarehttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/07/training-rack-at-lowes-or-lost-in-hardware/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/07/training-rack-at-lowes-or-lost-in-hardware/#respondWed, 07 Mar 2018 14:43:07 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5989To train a Herding dog you have to keep their minds busy. Physical exercise and mental exercise. You know, like a Greek Athlete.

I don’t think that my little McNab SuperDog (TM), Rack will ever throw a discus or take a philosophy course but he’s an amazing creature.

He just wants to help. He wants to be involved.

He wants to come along.

But we have a long term project. Low voltage lighting.

You know that weird stuff that can run off of a car battery. Since it runs at low voltage it doesn’t need quite as much protection and anyone can do it.

We figure that we have about 40 watts of the stuff and you can read on my front porch at midnight due to them.

I have a couple of those three AAA battery lights that are basically a flashlight, and they can be converted over to this system. I have done that already to a coach lamp that is on my fence.

The rest come piece after piece.

This weekend was a Big Project though. Run 20 feet of conduit, sink a lamppost in the front of the house, and rehang the mailbox.

Don’t think it’s much? Stand outside in the front yard holding a post for a solid hour when reinforcements are sent off to the store to get some quick drying concrete.

Since it is winter, do it in full sun, on a cloudless day at 80F/26C. Give or take a C.

All this activity had Rack confused. He wanted to come along. Anywhere. When he thinks he’s taking a ride in the CAR!!! he starts to burble and basically speak in tongues. Its comical. He starts running wind sprints back and forth from the front to the back door whining and making weird coffee-percolator sounds.

Sometimes he is right.

We stopped work so we could take him to the Vet. That’s fine because it’s one of his favorite places to go. We went, he got fussed over and we came home.

But there was a stop first. We needed another piece of conduit to glue to the first pieces laid in the trench I had dug that morning with Rack sitting at the front door looking hopeful.

We took Rack.

You see, Lowes Hardware has a policy of allowing dogs into the store. This seems to be as official as can be, and it isn’t like some idiot taking a dog into a supermarket, this is a hardware store.

Securing a cart, I picked Rack up off the ground and placed him in the blue plastic apparatus.

He didn’t like that. Immediately tried to get out. I did because I didn’t want to be asked to leave because my dog decided to water the plants.

We walked into the store with a 47 pound black and white dog being disrupted by the rattling of the cart across the asphalt. Getting into the store, he wanted no more of that.

When I say SuperDog (TM) I mean it. He is a McNab Dog. One of the most intelligent dogs on the face of the Earth. But he is fearful. Fearful means to run.

Or in this case, to leap.

From a sitting position.

Inside of a cart.

Right in front of the orchids.

When he landed on the concrete floor, he was flat, legs pointing to the cardinal points on the compass. Confused. Looking very surprised that It Worked.

I put him back in the cart and looped a thumb under his harness and we went about our business.

He was thinking “Hmmm. To attempt this again or not? Not completely sure.”

But, by the time we left, he was enjoying himself. Not acting quite so crazed. He actually smiled at a kid walking past.

Yes, certain dogs smile. Others grimace. I can tell the difference.

But this was a training expedition. Rack got about a C+ grade. A little better than average. Form on the High Dive was a solid 9.

Not olympic form, but a good solid performance.

That’s what training dogs is about. Taking steps and keeping their minds engaged.

(You, British people! Stop giggling, that’s what they’re called here!)

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/07/training-rack-at-lowes-or-lost-in-hardware/feed/0ramblingmooseI wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/04/i-wonder-what-my-parents-did-to-fight-boredom-before-the-internet-i-asked-my-18-brothers-and-sisters-and-they-dont-know-either/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/04/i-wonder-what-my-parents-did-to-fight-boredom-before-the-internet-i-asked-my-18-brothers-and-sisters-and-they-dont-know-either/#respondSun, 04 Mar 2018 15:01:55 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5986This is one of those jokes that I have heard told a number of times – but it is told very well here for me to share with you.

What organ can expand to 10 times it’s size…

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/04/i-wonder-what-my-parents-did-to-fight-boredom-before-the-internet-i-asked-my-18-brothers-and-sisters-and-they-dont-know-either/feed/0ramblingmooseWhat do you think will happen in 3 years time? I don’t know, I don’t have 2020 vision.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/03/what-do-you-think-will-happen-in-3-years-time-i-dont-know-i-dont-have-2020-vision-2/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/03/what-do-you-think-will-happen-in-3-years-time-i-dont-know-i-dont-have-2020-vision-2/#respondSat, 03 Mar 2018 13:14:49 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5984There existed a small nation with a peculiar practice.
The people of each town chose their mayor by magically imbuing life into inanimate objects and letting the sentient objects dispense laws.

Often the objects they chose and the way those objects acted reflected the spirit of the villagers that created it.

The wealthy village in the north was represented by a big diamond that spoke with a posh accent and tended to be a bit disconnected from the working class.
Meanwhile, a friendly wholesome community in the west was ruled over by a blueberry muffin that was determined to instill strong morals in its village and always spoke kindly of those it met.

In the south there was a rural, backwater village that was unhappy with its mayor: a wooden 2×4 that spoke with an embarrassing hillbilly accent.
His speeches were excruciatingly slow and drawn-out.

The townspeople implored him to speak with a bit more distinction, but the old 2×4 always fell back into his lazy old tongue.
Though the community built around the mayor did indeed reflect its values well enough, they thought they deserved better.
They spent years trying out different objects to varying degrees of success–a haughty but untrustworthy umbrella; a bashful stapler that couldn’t quite get the hang of being a government official.

The people of the village tried and tried but always found that the new inanimate-object-turned-mayors they created were never any better than the original.
Eventually they gave up, saying, “Well, back to the old drawling board.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/03/03/what-do-you-think-will-happen-in-3-years-time-i-dont-know-i-dont-have-2020-vision-2/feed/0ramblingmooseCrumpets and a Simplified Recipehttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/28/crumpets-and-a-simplified-recipe/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/28/crumpets-and-a-simplified-recipe/#respondWed, 28 Feb 2018 15:05:41 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5978 If you write, everyone has their complaints and comments.

If you write about anything that has measurements, and are writing from one of the three Non-Metric countries, you will get some crank somewhere complaining about “You Should Use Metric”.

First, shut up. You are being pointlessly rude. Blog writers have no control over the government. I wish we did.

Second in this case, this recipe is easier using Imperial Measurements. “For Round Numbers.”

Actually, that’s not completely true, this recipe boils down to a bunch of ratios. And of course the ratios are forgiving and flexible. Since the local conditions may effect how much fluids your recipe will “take up”, you may add a little more or a little less the next time you try this. For us, today, in a dehydrated house in Florida’s Dry Season, 14 to 10 was fine. If you think that someone in a farmhouse in the 1700s used 2% milk instead of raw whole milk you just may need to relax a bit.

Crumpets. The first time it was written down, that we know of, the recipe appeared in a cookbook in 1769. Metric was not invented, and cooking was simpler back then. No refrigeration, “critters” were in the house, measuring was a “guess”, and so on.

You have so much of this, you add double that amount to it and a spoonful of a third ingredient, and you are done. Cook until it looks right.

That’s this recipe.

As for why the US does not use Metric? We do, legally. All “our” measurements are defined in Metric anyway.

The reason was that back when the French offered us an Official Kilogram the first time in the very early days of the Republic, the Official Kilogram was stolen by Pirates, and by the time we could get another one, it was deemed too late to get everyone to switch.

Seriously. Pirates. They must have thought that the ship was carrying Spanish Gold Doubloons and they got a Kilogram. Probably made of brass. Yarrrr!

Another case of the French helping out the United States that the people should realize here just how good a friend they have been throughout our history.

Thank you, France.

This recipe is all about Ratios. It also comes in two parts. The yeast mixture, and the ratio of Flour to Fluid.

Simple:

Yeast and Salt – 1 Teaspoon. I used a common one to measure.

Sugar – 2 Teaspoons. Literally right out of the drawer.

Flour 10 parts

Water 7 parts

Milk 7 parts.

Now to codify this a bit to a proper recipe:

Ingredients

Yeast – 1 Teaspoon or about 5 Ml

Salt – 1 Teaspoon or about 5 Ml

Sugar – 2 Teaspoons or about 10 Ml

Flour – 10 ounces or about 283 Grams

Water – 7 ounces or about 198 Grams

Milk – 7 ounces or about 198 Grams

Process:

Add all ingredients to a large mixing bowl except the Flour.

Whisk the Flour into the mixture slowly until you have a smooth loose batter.

Cover the batter with a towel and allow to double in size and there are bubbles forming.

Cooking:

Preheat your griddle to about 350F/175C.

Generously grease the griddle with butter or oil if you prefer.

If your griddle begins to smoke, reduce temperature.

Generously grease the Crumpet Rings, if you use them, with butter and place on griddle to warm.

Add batter to the middle of the Crumpet rings until they are filled side to side but do not overfill vertically. About half way up the Crumpet ring for a Crumpet. Thicker Crumpets won’t bubble as well but will produce a slice-able English Muffin.

Cook Crumpets until they begin to bubble, then wait until the tops are rubbery and perhaps dry to the touch.

Remove each Crumpet from their ring gently, and flip it to the uncooked side.

Cook until they begin to brown.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/28/crumpets-and-a-simplified-recipe/feed/0ramblingmooseI heard there will be curling in the Olympics, so I told my sister who’s a hairdresser. Boy did I get that one wrong.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/25/i-heard-there-will-be-curling-in-the-olympics-so-i-told-my-sister-whos-a-hairdresser-boy-did-i-get-that-one-wrong/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/25/i-heard-there-will-be-curling-in-the-olympics-so-i-told-my-sister-whos-a-hairdresser-boy-did-i-get-that-one-wrong/#respondSun, 25 Feb 2018 18:44:19 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5976So you know “Proofing” your yeast is making sure it actually is alive by adding it to some lukewarm water and a little sugar before adding it all to bread dough.

(watch I’ll get that one a little off)

A pair of bakers were experiencing a supernatural crisis.
A magical, living snowman had laid a curse on their bakery and they could no longer produce anything.
No pastries, no cookies, no muffins, or cakes. Their proofing oven no longer allowed dough to rise.
Their refrigerator couldn’t keep a chill.
Stovetops were cool to the touch.

Unsure of how to proceed, they called in a specialist in obscure curses to diagnose the issue.
They put some cookie dough on a sheet tray and set it in the oven, but it just would not cook!
The oven felt hot. The dough was made correctly.
It was as if the ability to bake had completely fled the confines of the oven.

“Well,” the old curse expert started, “it seems the functionality of all your appliances are, in fact, still here in the bakery, they have just somehow been displaced to other areas.”
“What do you mean?” a baker asked.

“For example, if we put a lump of bread dough back in the storage racks, it begins to rise as if it is proofing. This must mean that the functionality of your proofing oven still exists, it’s just been relocated. It is all very strange.”
“Is there anything we can do?”

“We will need to break the curse by cancelling it out with some magic of our own. Do you own anything that might be imbued with a hex or charm?”
One of the bakers chimed in that his grandmother had left a silicon baking mat that she purportedly charmed to magically prevent her cookies from burning.
It had been stored away in a dusty old box for years, but surely there was still an ounce of power that remained.

The baker went home to dig up the old mat while his coworker and the curse specialist mapped out where the different functionalities of the appliances had moved to.
The ability to bake, they determined, had been relocated to the bathroom.

It would make a suitable testing ground for their experiment to see if the two conflicting curses would break one another.
When the other baker returned, they lined a cookie sheet with the silicon mat and headed for the toilet.

Years later, the old curse expert was telling the story at a convention for the supernatural.

He got up on stage and recalled, “They crossed he; the snowman. He’s a fairy tale they say. He’s made of snow, but now the bakers know how he ruined their life one day. But there must have been some magic in that old Silpat they found. For when they placed it in the head, the dough began to brown.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/25/i-heard-there-will-be-curling-in-the-olympics-so-i-told-my-sister-whos-a-hairdresser-boy-did-i-get-that-one-wrong/feed/0ramblingmooseWhy did the otter cross the river? To get to the otter sidehttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/24/why-did-the-otter-cross-the-river-to-get-to-the-otter-side/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/24/why-did-the-otter-cross-the-river-to-get-to-the-otter-side/#commentsSat, 24 Feb 2018 13:40:57 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5974Okay – I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed……

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again……

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/24/why-did-the-otter-cross-the-river-to-get-to-the-otter-side/feed/2ramblingmooseSunny Anderson Was Right, Low and Slow is the Way To Go when roasting Porkhttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/21/sunny-anderson-was-right-low-and-slow-is-the-way-to-go-when-roasting-pork/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/21/sunny-anderson-was-right-low-and-slow-is-the-way-to-go-when-roasting-pork/#respondWed, 21 Feb 2018 15:55:17 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5970The recipe is simple.

The night before, marinade.

I used a half of a bottle of store bought Barbecue Sauce to 2 1/2 pounds (1 KG or so) of Pork Loin that was thawed. Lets call that about a pint or a half liter of sauce. Pick one you like, we won’t judge.

Place all that in a plastic bag in the refrigerator and allow to sit overnight.

The next morning, or about 5 hours before the meal, pour your marinaded pork into a baking pan, uncovered, and make sure the marinade gets into the pan with your pork.

Slide in oven and cook at 250F/120C for about 2 to 2 1/2 hours per pound.

Cook until tender, however I cooked to 175F/80C internally and got THE BEST PORK I EVER HAD.

…

So that back story. There’s always a backstory. And if you’re looking for a recipe, you probably don’t care, huh?

You see, Dad cooked Pork Chops when I was a child. I could have used them to resole some work boots.

Shake and Bake coated, Dry and Hard, horrendous.

But that was normal back then. You HAD to cook pork well. There were parasites back then. The rule was cook it well, and hope for the best.

Or so I remember from the bad old “analog” days back when dates started with a 19. You know, when I was a kid, everything was black and white, and my pet was a house sized Triceratops named Trixie?

According to popular theory (word of mouth, maybe a lot of crap), Pork wasn’t a very clean food. I suspect that someone in the back woods somewhere got sick and it became A Thing that you had to do.

Since then, The Pork Industry cleaned up its act. So much so that the USDA has lowered the temperature that you cook pork to from 165F/75C to 140F/60C with a 3 minute resting time.

There are supposed to be no more parasites in USDA inspected Pork than there are in Beef, and that is at 1/3 to 1/4 the cost.

If cooked right, Pork Loin is tender and mild flavored.

So I have been thinking that I should get some of that pork loin out of the freezer and try again. While I was planning this meal, I heard that bubbly TV Personality, Sunny Anderson say “Low and Slow! Low and Slow is the way to go!” over and over and over in my head.

I had tried making this recipe in a crock pot, and it was much better than Dad’s Pork, but it could be better.

I wonder should I try Low and Slow in the oven? Can I Do it?

I started researching recipes. Some cooked low at 225F, some as high as 300F. I settled on 250F because it seemed to be what the majority of the web pages cooked at.

That was the Low. The Slow makes sense. The longer amount of time the meat takes to get “done” the more likely that the muscle fibers will break down.

That’s what we call “tender”.

Since there was a lot of marinade and a lot of humidity in the environment, and the lower temperature, I did not expect it to dry out.

Barbecue? I have a lot of recipes for this, but I wanted just to make it easy so I used a commerically prepared sauce I liked. I do have a couple different recipes on this blog for

But I wanted quick and simple and I wanted something that I couldn’t mess up by adding too much of something in it.

I dumped that half bottle in the bag, sealed it the night before, and cooked in a slow oven starting at breakfast.

Yes, 6:45 on a Sunday Morning, I was making Lunch.

The alarm went off on the electronic thermometer around 10:30 when the internal temp hit 165F.

But it stayed there for the next hour.

I was watching that temperature closely because I was basting this meat in Barbecue sauce from the pan every 30 minutes to an hour.

When it hit 175F, it was just before 12 Noon.

I poked that meat with a steak knife.

The knife went into that meat like it was butter. Plunged right into it. The last time I saw something like that, I was in a beautiful Polynesian restaurant and paying $26 for a Pork Tenderloin dinner that was perfectly and artfully made.

Mine was Pork Loin, a lesser cut, and this was as good as that meal.

I was able to hand slice that meat down into “Cold Cut Thin” slices.

The proof was in the tasting, this was awesome. So good that Rack the SuperDog (TM) was hovering around asking for some.

The Sandwich I made from that meat the next day was just as good. I had a winner of a recipe.

Here it is, story and all, I saved it for my family, myself, and you all.

I am thinking this “process” should work on Beef Brisket as well, but that’s a task to research for later.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/21/sunny-anderson-was-right-low-and-slow-is-the-way-to-go-when-roasting-pork/feed/0ramblingmooseTwo tomatoes were crossing a road when one of them suddenly got run over by a truck. Then the other tomato said: come on ketchup, lets go.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/18/two-tomatoes-were-crossing-a-road-when-one-of-them-suddenly-got-run-over-by-a-truck-then-the-other-tomato-said-come-on-ketchup-lets-go/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/18/two-tomatoes-were-crossing-a-road-when-one-of-them-suddenly-got-run-over-by-a-truck-then-the-other-tomato-said-come-on-ketchup-lets-go/#respondSun, 18 Feb 2018 14:20:44 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5968As I write this, I’m passing on breakfast to go out to lunch later with a very good friend, indeed. I guess I’m hungry, so here’s a food related joke.

Three chefs had operated a successful restaurant for many years thanks to the deeply popular specialty dishes that each of the chefs were known for.

The first chef was a master of searing beef and her exceptional skills landed her the nickname “T-Bone.”

Her sister preferred a lighter approach and was better known for working with flakey, white-fleshed fish: tilapia, cod, haddock. But her specialty, the pickerel, landed her a nickname of her own: Walleye, another name for the fish that had driven so many sales, especially during Lent.

The youngest chef was a bit more wild and experimental. He loved habaneros, Carolina reapers, anchos. If it was full of capsaichin, it ended up in his dish. He especially loved to add this young peoples’ gambit as a twist to classically “old people” foods, resulting in strange menu listings such as the Ghost Pepper Liver & Onions, the Habanero Bread Pudding, or the Chipotle Green Bean Casserole. Only the bravest diners found themselves ordering these spicy plates, but it added a challenging dimension to an otherwise standard-fare menu. His love for the heat earned him his simple nickname: Chili.

But there was a problem. A smarmy new French restaurant had opened down the street and they were recieving quite a bit of hype over their menu: duck breast with blueberry demi-glaze.
Slow-roasted pheasant. Smoked goose. These were fatty, rich delicassies that delighted the tastebuds and the three chefs had to do something lest they continue bleeding out sales.

So, they decided to add a new spin to the menu: black-throated loon that had been cooked long and slow in a slurry of red wine, vinegars, brines, and lemon juice.
Unfortunately, the new menu item did not go over well. Perhaps it was because the loon was not considered a food-animal by the general population or perhaps the flavors were just off.

To find answers, the young chefs sent out surveys to their customers. They got only one very short, straight-forward response from an old regular:

T-Bone, Walleye, & Chili: Don’t go braising waterfowls. Please stick to the livers and the steaks that you’re used to.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/18/two-tomatoes-were-crossing-a-road-when-one-of-them-suddenly-got-run-over-by-a-truck-then-the-other-tomato-said-come-on-ketchup-lets-go/feed/0ramblingmooseMy parents told me ANYONE could become president. I didn’t know it was a warning.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/17/my-parents-told-me-anyone-could-become-president-i-didnt-know-it-was-a-warning/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/17/my-parents-told-me-anyone-could-become-president-i-didnt-know-it-was-a-warning/#respondSat, 17 Feb 2018 14:15:08 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5966A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he’s wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, ‘There’s no charge.’

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the mortician says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

We live in the tropics. If you drop a seed on the ground, it will grow.

I noticed that here years ago when I moved in. People have plants dripping with plants dripping with more plants.

If you don’t want a giant mess in your yard, if you’re looking for something a bit groomed, don’t blink. That “clean” look takes a lot of work here in Florida.

I could go a while before weeding my backyard in Philadelphia. The soil was somewhat fertile, but things took their time to grow. Sun angle up there is 14 degrees lower at any given moment than it is here so it will be proportionally less effective, proportionally less bright.

I have a yard inspection every morning, on a clear morning, at 7:30. I have to inspect the irrigation systems, clear out the palm fronds, remove any debris that falls from the trees into the pools, and basically police the perimeters of the yard.

I have help with me. Mr Dog, my one and only Dingus, Rack the SuperDog (TM) will follow me around the yard, and go into places that my own nearly two meter height will not fit.

I found out that he will answer to Dingus because when someone does something a bit wrong, a bit silly, and a bit dumb, I have a habit of calling them a Dingus for doing it.

I am not exactly sure that it is even officially a Word according to the O.E.D., or Webster, or anyone else, but I use it.

Frequently.

So much so that my Dog adopted it as one of his names. He figured out that he is Mr Dog early on, so why should I be surprised?

Stepping outside, we hear chattering and rustling in the Utility Easement behind the property. It is, predictably, very thick with plantings, even though Rack goes back there for relaxation. Yes, we shall call it Relaxation. As in Rest Stop at mile marker 108.

I see something grey flash in my right eye and go on about my own business. Spray the Milkweed for Aphids. Wiggle the drip-feed water bubblers to clear them from any debris inside that blocks the flow. Inspecting the pots in the backyard is a daily occurrence.

I get to the banana tree that I have been babying and think “What on earth is going on back there” when I spot that the tree had been planted itself.

There was a peanut. Wedged deeply enough that it would have to be removed or else I’d have a Peanut and Banana sandwich there about chest height.

Then I woke up. I realized what was going on. The chattering got more insistent, so I walked to the corner of the yard. Deep Jungle, or what passes for it here in Florida.

I had Squirrels. Arguing. Loudly. For dominance. Who knew? I thought they were a peaceful species.

Squirrels arguing was like a pillow fight with Marshmallows. Nobody really was going to get hurt but they were really going at it full blast. It looked like a Cartoon.

I threw that errant peanut into the corner hoping the squirrels would break it up and move on, but it wasn’t enough. I was within a yard of them as they’re running up and down the telephone pole and the palms and the bamboo back there.

Realizing that I am taller than my banana tree without the peanut, I had to back up. They were running on the outside of the plants back there instead of back in the brush, and I was concerned that they’d mistake my own self for a tree.

Luckily I was dressed in Blue, not Green. Squirrels are not terribly smart.

Shrugging, I thought to get involved. I clapped my hands loudly.

They stopped for a second. Then I got cursed out in whatever Rodential Squirrelish Language that they use here that I am not aware of.

Back to it they went. Running up and down the pole when one of them, the smaller of the two, ran back to the other side of the yard, up my banana tree, looked around then ran off into the distance.

Argument was over. It was now about time for the drip-feed irrigation to stop for the day. Today’s Squirrel War had ended. Who knows who was victorious, whether it was about a Peanut and Banana Sandwich, or whether anyone really cared.

Peace was once again supreme in my strange little yard full of constrained banana trees, Bonsai, and cultivated plants. Rack got to my side, leaned into my right leg, and looked up.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day’s meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. ‘I’m afraid not, sir,’ the clerk told him apologetically, ‘but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.’

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ‘Manicures, $20.00’. ‘Why not?’ thought the salesman.

He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, ‘This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.’

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit….. which now had a button sewn neatly on the end!

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/10/roses-are-gray-violets-are-gray-everything-is-gray-im-a-dog/feed/1ramblingmooseRack Can’t Help Fix A Cellphone, or Can He?https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/07/rack-cant-help-fix-a-cellphone-or-can-he/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/07/rack-cant-help-fix-a-cellphone-or-can-he/#respondWed, 07 Feb 2018 15:54:19 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5953I’m that guy. I can repair a piece of electronics down to “the board level” and replace the components that are on it.

Lets be fair, some of the components are beyond me, smaller than a grain of sand. But the larger things are possible.

If I go out and buy a piece of electronics, I look into how repairable it is. I’ve replaced volume controls on a transistor radio, and the USB port on an external hard drive case.

I guess I was lucky that time, everything was spaced out just so.

Some of that can take a small forever to fix too, but I will give it all a try.

Once the warranty is up, I’m going to at least look inside the case of something.

You see these days, you find things sealed up, glued together and made so that you the owner never have a chance of putting a knob back on something. Specifically I am thinking of anything that comes out of Apple these days.

It’s also why I don’t use Apple laptops. I’ve had to replace bits on my own Thinkpads, Dell, and HP computers. There’s a limit with those too, but I demand the ability to easily replace the hard drive and the memory.

Try that on a Mac. I’ll wait.

Didn’t think so!

I waited for the house to be empty. Had to. Humans being social, they demand attention. Since the replacement of the battery on iFixIt was rated “Very Difficult” and at 30 minutes, I knew that I would probably have to take double the time to put a new battery in the phone.

It took a half hour alone to find the tools to do the job, and I have the tools. We keep them here specifically to do this sort of thing.

Started the whole mess at about 10:30. It would give me time to get it done, shower before lunch, and do it in a leisurely manner.

Nope.

That first half hour of very carefully taking off the plastic fascia, and a few very strange screws had me stressed.

Then the wet nose happened.

Rack was checking in. He padded across the tile floor in the quiet house without my knowing. I had a tickle at my elbow and looked over at the familiar black and white face.

Then I glanced at the clock. 11:30. I frittered away an hour getting tools, and a plastic sliver off the top of my phone.

Oh and two “T5” Torx screws from the top of the thing. I wasn’t completely lost.

Basically I was taking it slow. It’s a beautiful piece of hardware, but it’s ridiculously difficult to work with. In comparison, my older Samsung Galaxy S4 snaps open with a plastic cover in the back I can run a fingernail under. The battery is user replaceable as well as my SIM and my memory chip. Done in seconds.

I took the rest of the time to Noon to get the entire case open and splayed out in front of me.

Sighing, I got up and let Rack out for a walk in the back yard, and to make my lunch.

Lunch, Shower, and back at it in about a half hour.

The disassembly of the phone is a fourteen step process.

Remove screws.

Remove antenna wires.

Remove ribbon cables held in by ZIF connectors.

Lift motherboard.

Remove battery.

It was about 3 in the afternoon before I had the thing disassembled and reassembled.

Each half hour I had a wet nose looking in on me. I guess that I was worried, Rack probably smelled it. He’d come in, look in on me, sit down, make me clear my head.

I’m glad he did. Oh he can’t handle a screwdriver or a soldering iron. He doesn’t have opposable thumbs. But he did serve a very good purpose.

He made me pause and look around. These pieces are so small that in some cases I used another cell phone to take a picture, zoom in, and look at it.

As a result Rack stopped me from having total vision failure from eye strain induced by bad design and teeny tiny itsy bitsy electronic parts.

Well, great! Time for a Smoke Test. You know, press the magic button and see if it comes on?

Oddly enough I had bumped it trying to seal the back and the phone came on before it was snapped in place.

Camera did not work. Flashlight did not work.

Rack came back. I paid attention to him. Set that phone down. I couldn’t see the monitor without

being right on top of the thing now.

When Rack left, I pried it all apart and re-seated all the connections.

Success! I could tighten those screws down and begin to charge the battery.

That half hour repair took me six hours.

Including lunch and a shower and letting Rack out when he needed it.

I think I needed that pause more than he did but I’m not letting him know that.

Trust In Dog, They Know.

That’s a mantra here. There’s a certain something that having a Herding Dog around the house will enhance. They learn. More importantly, they learn YOU. They also know when you need a distraction.

It’s not a weirdly bark at anything that moves thing. He actually knows when there’s too much going on, time to take a break.

There’s that wet nose.

Postie coming by and you’re involved in something? “Moof.” Rack says. Pay attention. Go get the mail, there’s a wee little box in there as long as some circulars and a J. Peterman catalog.

Like I said, Trust In Dog, They Know.

Now the Parrot? He’s shady. Needs to be watched over. He’s got his eye on the woodwork in this house…

Plato was discoursing on his theory of ideas and, pointing to the cups on the table before him, said while there are many cups in the world, there is only one `idea’ of a cup, and this cupness precedes the existence of all particular cups.

“I can see the cups on the table,” said Diogenes, “but I can’t see the ‘cupness’”.

“That’s because you have the eyes to see the cup,” said Plato, “but”, tapping his head with his forefinger, “you don’t have the intellect with which to comprehend `cupness’.”

Diogenes walked up to the table, examined a cup and, looking inside, asked, “Is it empty?” Plato nodded. “Where is the ’emptiness’ which precedes this empty cup?” asked Diogenes.

Plato allowed himself a few moments to collect his thoughts, but Diogenes reached over and, tapping Plato’s head with his finger, said “I think you will find here is the ’emptiness’.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/04/what-do-you-call-a-disrespectful-chicken-a-rudester/feed/0ramblingmooseDid you hear the one about the speed bump and the cymbal? Ba-dum, tish.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/03/did-you-hear-the-one-about-the-speed-bump-and-the-cymbal-ba-dum-tish-2/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/02/03/did-you-hear-the-one-about-the-speed-bump-and-the-cymbal-ba-dum-tish-2/#respondSat, 03 Feb 2018 14:21:15 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5949Seems to me that both of these are old Borscht Belt jokes, but who am I to judge?

A midwife calls a doctor

“Doctor she’s been in labor for 36 hours we need to do a c section.” “Not so fast,” says the doctor “there’s one more thing to try”

He goes to the obviously pained mother to be and says “what do you call maids in space.”

After the woman gives him a blank stare the doctor says “Vacuum cleaners”

Upon hearing this joke the woman cringes so hard that she expels the healthy crying baby.

Relieved the new mother says “Thank you doctor but that’s the worst joke I ever heard”

The doctor smiled and said “the punchline sucks but the delivery was perfect”

I was actually thinking about the Rye bagels I used to get as a kid in Cherry Hill, NJ.

If you couldn’t get a good, proper, and Kosher bagel in Cherry Hill, you couldn’t get it.

Say what you will about NJ, but South Jersey was different, and you could get great Kosher there. I would go to the Bagel Place on Chapel and Kings Highway and talk to Mrs H there, and she would get my bagels.

Mrs H is long gone, I moved away, and I understand there’s still “A” Bagel Place there, although I am not sure if it is still using her recipes so maybe it isn’t or maybe it really “Is” THE Bagel Place. I’ll leave it to someone up there in Jersey to find out for me.

Another quirk about South Jersey was that you could get excellent Ethnic food there. Being that close to Philly, I think it was a requirement.

But that Rye Bread. I knew I would never make a proper Jewish Rye bread, because there’s just a certain something about a loaf of bread with that little sticker on the side.

This was close.

It was good. Had a proper chewy body to it. Everyone who had some of this loaf commented about it, long and loud.

I will certainly make it again.

Oh – and it was one of those “why not” moments.

I was a cup down on the flour and simply poured in as an add-in a cup of Rye Flour.

The recipe below… Substitute 1 cup Rye Flour (or more to taste) to get this awesome loaf of bread.

Ingredients:

For “Sponge” or “Poolish”:

1 1/2 teaspoons of yeast

1/2 cup all purpose flour

1/2 cup warm water – 100 degrees F or 40 degrees C

you may need a few drops more water depending on conditions

For the rest of the bread:

4 Cups All Purpose Flour – Substitute 1 cup Rye for Rye Bread

12 ounce bottle of ROOM TEMPERATURE Beer, your choice

1 1/2 teaspoons table salt

you may need extra water depending on your conditions

For Dusting:

Cornmeal for dusting the pan and Parchment Paper

Flour for dusting the loaf

Process:
I used a stand mixer and it’s bowl to prepare this recipe, Poolish and Dough, but you may choose to use a large mixing bowl and your hands. This dough will be sticky and result in a silky smooth dough – so enjoy the texture. I did finish this out on the counter by hand.

Poolish/Sponge

To your mixing bowl add yeast, flour, and warm water.

Mix the ingredients with fork or whisk.

The resulting mix will be like a pancake batter, it should stir easily.

Add an extra tablespoon of water if needed.

Allow your Poolish to brew in a warm place for 30 minutes.

My own warm place is inside a cold oven with the light on.

Making the dough

To your mixing bowl and the Poolish add the Beer, Flour, and Salt one by one.

Mix the dough by hand or with a dough hook until it is even and pulls away from the walls of the bowl.

The dough will be sticky and thick.

Cover the dough with a wet towel, and place back in your warm place for two hours or until it is at least doubled in size.

Forming the Loaf

Scrape your dough out of the bowl with your hands or spatula.

Place the dough onto the floured board and dust well with more flour.

Roll the dough out into a loaf shape.

The dough should be silky and a little sticky.

You may divide the dough into two loaves for convenience.

Move each loaf onto a baking sheet that is generously dusted with cornmeal.

Dust the top of the loaves with more flour,

Return your loaves to the warm place for another half hour or more.

Baking your loaf

Preheat the oven to 425F with a pan of water for humidity.

Slash some slits in the top of the loaf to allow growth.

Bake each loaf for 30 minutes or until they sound hollow when thumped.

Allow your bread to cool before serving.

Or don’t allow your bread to cool. I couldn’t wait, this stuff was amazing!

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/31/rye-beer-bread-recipe/feed/0ramblingmooseWhat vegetable is always burnt? Chard.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/28/what-vegetable-is-always-burnt-chard/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/28/what-vegetable-is-always-burnt-chard/#respondSun, 28 Jan 2018 14:56:27 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5943After having spent time emptying the dishwasher, making coffee, making dog food, of course I am thinking about making breakfast.

Just like this wonderful lady!

The Drunk Man comes home at 3am completely wasted.

Staggering into everything he knocks over the tv, breaks all of the china, and passes out on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up tucked into bed, with a rose and an I love you note beside the bed.

The man walks cautiously into the kitchen, where he smells bacon and eggs being cooked. He cautiously sits at the table and tells his wife good morning.

With a huge smile on her face she asks if he would like 2 pieces of bacon or 4 this morning.

The man says 4 please. But what happened last night?

The wife proceeded to tell him what happened…

Wife: Well you walked in drunk at 3am.. You broke our tv.. destroyed our china… and passed out on the floor.

Husband: Then why are you treating me so well this morning!?

Wife: Well, when I went to pull your pants off to bring you to bed.. You were kicking and screaming.. telling me NO NO, I’m married!

TV: $150 … China $450 … Saying the right thing at the right time… Priceless!

I never used Mac OS for long. Their walled garden approach of curated software just wasn’t for me. Too limited. I don’t care for handcuffs, whether they’re steel or lined with “mink”.

I got away from Windows when the current approach of Microsoft insisting that You Are The Product with Windows 10 and putting in “Telemetry” so they can know how their software is doing. You agreed to it when you clicked through the user license.

You aren’t? I will let you decide if you are being brave, or just stupid, and leave it at that.

I will put up with the quirks in Debian Linux in exchange for stability, when I don’t break it. My one computer has been Hibernated 170 times as of last night in a little more than 180 days and is still stable. I don’t reboot when I don’t have to.

I back things up, about twice a week. I don’t have to do it so frequently, but I do “Author Content” like this blog, as well as Video and Audio, Graphics, and my laptop does duty as a TV/Radio/Graphics Arts studio on multiple levels.

On Linux, all that software is free. That also includes my office software, but you go on paying for Microsoft office.

Backing up your computer on Linux is fairly painless. When I am through, the end result is a complete clone of what I have on the computer. Remove the hard drive, swap in the external drive, and I am back running with just one file system check “fsck /dev/sda” and a reboot.

Just like on Windows or Mac, you need an external hard drive. USB 3 for the speed, please, and it has to be at least as large as your internal hard drive.

From that point onwards it is just technique.

Technique was what I was lacking on that Saturday.

You see, I wrote a script for the computer to follow. The script works if everything is correct and in place. It backs up my chip where I save my personal writings to the hard drive, then backs up the hard drive. Then to take it one step further it updates the computer’s software, checks to see if there are any spies lurking on the hard drive by scanning for viruses and root kits. Finally it plays a chime to tell me that it was finished and you were a good person for running it.

Well maybe not that last bit but it is complete.

I also got a little slick and simply told it to do everything without waiting. Should not have done that. It’s a lot to stand on its own with the stack of old hardware that I use on a daily basis.

Oh the hardware works, but the wet-ware doesn’t always.

I set the thing going, stood up and just as it started to run to backup the disk, it barfed.

The clone of the hard disk, the actual backup, failed when I bumped the cable and it fell out of the front of the “Destination” disk.

Then it went ahead and updated the operating system, and did all that other stuff.

Automatically.

When it ended I had a computer that showed me everything that I had done wrong to it over the last couple weeks by not starting up again.

I was presented with a black screen telling me that the boot process had stopped and I should try again.

I did, and it repeated itself.

Linux is one of the last refuges of the computer tinkerer. If you like to do that sort of thing, you can tweak to your heart’s content. Mine looks a lot like Windows 7. I could just as easily make it into something that looks identical to a Mac, but I want speed. It runs about twice as fast as this same computer runs under Windows, so I have it.

When I went to enable the second video chip inside the computer, I followed an old guide on how to do it and predictably it had failed. That was what showed when I booted the computer.

So Linux kiddies like myself, don’t go and over-automate. Step by step. Sure, your machine CAN do it, but if you’re sitting at a desk, wanting another mug of coffee, be certain not to knock the cable out of your backup drive because if the next step is a full upgrade of your computer, you may just be stuffed.

Oh and if you’re following along and wondering, the specifics are here since I use this as a scratch pad for my memory.

My computer’s C Drive shows up on /dev/sda with operating system on /dev/sda1, swap on /dev/sda5

The backup D Drive shows up on /dev/sdb and will be a perfect clone of the computer.

The syntax of the clone is one line run as root (administrator for windows people)

dd if=/dev/sda of=/dev/sdb conv=noerror,sync status=progress

Just copy the chip to a place on the hard drive manually first.

*sigh* And don’t get a mug of coffee by putting your hand on your back up drive when you get out of the chair!

If you will excuse me, now, I have a mug of coffee to make. Some home roasted Guatemala Huehuetenango that I roasted last week. Should be just perfect this morning.

Ahhhh.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/24/coffee-and-backups-dont-mix-well-or-how-i-broke-and-rebuilt-my-debian-linux-install-in-two-hours/feed/0ramblingmooseWhy did the poorly made shoe go to confession? Because it had a bad sole!https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/21/why-did-the-poorly-made-shoe-go-to-confession-because-it-had-a-bad-sole/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/21/why-did-the-poorly-made-shoe-go-to-confession-because-it-had-a-bad-sole/#respondSun, 21 Jan 2018 14:08:48 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5937Once again, bringing you the best in bad puns, Dad Jokes, and humor your preteen kid might groan at…

Hey, I like this crap too!

You just might have to explain this one to a Pre-teen. Or not, they’re more advanced than I was back when I was a kid.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s

Though never married, she was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. Miss Beatrice invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’, as he pointed to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.’

‘Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/21/why-did-the-poorly-made-shoe-go-to-confession-because-it-had-a-bad-sole/feed/0ramblingmooseMy brother picked up a fight with me and threw me on the street. The joke’s on him, the police fined him for littering.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/20/my-brother-picked-up-a-fight-with-me-and-threw-me-on-the-street-the-jokes-on-him-the-police-fined-him-for-littering/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/20/my-brother-picked-up-a-fight-with-me-and-threw-me-on-the-street-the-jokes-on-him-the-police-fined-him-for-littering/#respondSat, 20 Jan 2018 14:39:12 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5935The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered the door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.” said one trooper… “Tell me, please! Did you find her?” Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

The batteries I am using are Lithium Ion batteries scavenged from (one or more) laptops. If you puncture, overheat, or otherwise damage one of these batteries it is possible that they may catch fire.

Do not short circuit these batteries. Use a charger designed for these batteries specifically.

This is at your own risk.

The Science Words:

The batteries were scavenged from laptops, and you can get 18650 batteries online that will be of full capacity. I am using scavenged batteries because I had a couple old laptops that were going to be recycled.

From what I have learned, you can not charge these Lithium batteries in series. Connected as a block, the batteries will overheat when charged and they may catch fire. The circuitry in a laptop will charge the individual cells separately.

They are 3.7 VDC cells, which makes them attractive for this project. The saw took 14.4 VDC which is four cells. I had 4 2 cell blocks which gave me more amperage to push into the saw.

I get around all the warnings doing it this way because the cells can be removed, and charged individually in a charger made for 18650 Lithium Ion batteries.

Or so it says when I bought it from a Chinese Supplier – and we all know how trustworthy Chinese Suppliers can be.

Or not.

Sarcasm aside, here’s how I did it.

I had a Saw that was given to me as an oddball item. No battery pack, No Charger.

I had all these batteries.

I ordered the battery holder (that black thing with the blue cells in them) for emergency purposes.

Connecting four batteries gives me 14.4 VDC so I was able to test the saw by connecting the terminals directly. The motor worked.

Waiting for a reason to heat up the hot glue gun, I decided to do this one sunday morning. It took me about an hour.

Step 1 disassembly.

Remove all screws and set the mechanicals aside. I was lucky that the parts did not fall out onto the table when I went to open the saw, and nothing was plastic welded together.

Luckily, the electronics were simple, and the plug into which the original battery pack was to fit was obvious. I could slide that connector out and solder my battery pack to that connector permanently, glue the battery pack in place, and screw things back together.

The placement of the new battery pack was by eyeball, and made sense to me. Your placement will probably vary. See my last picture for what I’m getting at.

Step 2 solder the connection.

I realized I could thread the two wires from the battery pack through the air vents in the side of the saw without drilling holes. Of course, if you are modifying a different tool, your placement will vary.

Using Hot Glue, I was able to attach the battery holder to the side of the saw and only covered up one of the multiple screw holes on the side.

When that was placed, then I could connect the block’s wires to the Red, Positive connector to the Saw’s Electronics with Solder. Red-to-red – to keep the polarity of my connections correct.

I then did the same for the Black, Negative connection. Again, Black-to-Black to keep the polarity of my connections correct.

I did a test to make sure that the wires were soldered to the connector block like in the picture above. The motor groaned to life, the wires held, and I noted that the batteries needed a charge.

I then disconnected all of the batteries and wrangled the connector block back into place, seated the wires, and screwed the Saw back together.

Step 3 the finished product.

Once I seated the wires inside the saw back in their original channels, I could close the unit up back as normal.

After it was placed back together, I tested the saw once again and everything worked.

Great!

Step 4 Why I did it this way instead of getting a battery pack.

So yeah I could have thrown money at this saw. The thing was that I knew that I would not need it much. Having a lot of these batteries around, as well as the battery packs from last Hurricane Season, I knew that I could rig a lot of this sort of thing together.

I had a couple of other tools in the shed that I could have done this with, but the Saw was the only oddball that ran at 14.4VDC. The other tools were powered by 18VDC and we had gotten a charger and a battery for them.

So my red saw being the only odd man out was going to get “hacked”.

Safety would dictate not doing it this way, but I do have the batteries, and I did have a little better than basic knowledge of electronics being able to replace individual components on an electronic appliance.

“I do board level repairs” on electronics, when they are readily apparent as to what needs to be replaced. This kind of a mod is trivial.

It rendered it “more safe” because the batteries are taken out of the unit and charged separately.

But ultimately this kind of thing is at your own risk since it is what a pharmaceutical would call an Off Label Use of the product.

But really ….

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/17/using-aftermarket-18650-lithium-batteries-in-a-rechargeable-garden-tool/feed/0ramblingmooseToday in church they asked what a Bishop does. Apparently “move diagonally” wasn’t the answer they were looking for.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/14/today-in-church-they-asked-what-a-bishop-does-apparently-move-diagonally-wasnt-the-answer-they-were-looking-for/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/14/today-in-church-they-asked-what-a-bishop-does-apparently-move-diagonally-wasnt-the-answer-they-were-looking-for/#respondSun, 14 Jan 2018 15:06:15 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5926Hungry? You won’t be after this…

A KINDHEARTED OLD LADY

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?’

‘We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth’, she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, ‘Why do you buy them then?’

The old lady replied, ‘We just love the chocolate around them.’

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/14/today-in-church-they-asked-what-a-bishop-does-apparently-move-diagonally-wasnt-the-answer-they-were-looking-for/feed/0ramblingmooseWhere does Poland keep its armies? Up its sleevies.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/13/where-does-poland-keep-its-armies-up-its-sleevies/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/13/where-does-poland-keep-its-armies-up-its-sleevies/#respondSat, 13 Jan 2018 14:58:16 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5924I don’t care for Ethnic Jokes, so I don’t generally put them here. Not that the topic was anything but your basic pun.

Basically, I have a couple hard and fast rules. Has to be “broadcastable” on US TV even in a repressed area such as your basic republican red state.

Dad Jokes are good for me. Your basic dumb pun works great.

Oh and it has to make me laugh, and that’s not really a test. I laugh often.

A man walks into a bar.

The barman asks “Why the long face?”

The man replies “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. So I have decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”

The barman looks shocked and says “I’m sorry I can’t help you commit suicide at all let alone in my pub!”

The man asks “Well what would you do in my situation?”

The barman leans in and says “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I’d kill the guy.”

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the pub.

A couple hours goes by and the barman is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the pub with a smile on his face.

My dog, Rack, has some quirks. Some of those quirks are endearing. He greets me in the house, despite other people living there, first.

Mind you since I’m the one that tends to grab the heaviest bags from the back of the car, that’s not always comfortable. That wet nose has found itself in places it never should have been.

He sleeps in his bed, but only until I have drifted to sleep. Many nights, in the glow of the clocks and

Dogs live by their noses, and will curl up next to their favorite people, and barring that, their clothes so

that they are comforted by the scent.

lights in the bedroom, I open an eye and see that he’s moved to the bath mat I keep next to the bed and my boots. I would have thought it is more comfortable in his bed that is chock full of foam rubber, but he’d rather curl up on a flat mat next to my shoes and my bed.

Ok, Boy, as long as you don’t chew anything.

But one of those quirks has bothered me since day one, and is something I will have to watch for the rest of his time.

Food. He’s a terrible eater.

Many dogs are too fast. They eat so fast that they bloat and you end up turning the bowl over, or get a Maze bowl to force them to slow down.

Lettie was fine, although she was a bit too quick on snacks. Just watch your fingers, she thought her snout was shorter than it actually was.

In Rack’s case, Food is an Afterthought.

He has severe food allergies. Grain and Poultry are a definite no. We went through quite a few meals followed by projectile “Soft Serve” and diarrhea until we figured that out.

Cheap food is full of grain. Dogs don’t need grain. They are omnivores, but more toward being a carnivore than we are. So cut out the grain. Chickens and Turkeys eat grains. So whatever was in that grain gets stored in the muscle tissue, and whatever else, that is used to make the dog food and more “Soft Serve”.

We found a couple of foods that he could eat safely, but the damage was done. He gets extremely picky.

Since one of the foods was a dry kibble, he would take as much as a half hour or more to eat on a normal feeding. Twice a day and I was spending an hour tapping and shaking the food bowl to motivate him to eat. I would get frustrated, start nagging him to eat.

Not good. Nobody likes to be nagged.

So I hit on an idea.

Take the food in the bowl, ours is purple plastic, and add an ounce of water or so. Just enough to puddle a little bit in the bottom of the bowl. Coat all of the food with the water. Shake and stir it around.

Then microwave it for 15 seconds. Just enough to warm things.

The last dry day he had was 27 minutes of crunching. Lettie would have had that done in short order and ask for more.

The first wet day he was done so fast that I had to do a double take. It took three minutes.

So the rule is that he gets bored and needs variety.

The main rule is that even just an ounce of water to warm and soak things is a help.

Reading this you may say to “Give him 10 minutes then remove the food, he’ll eat when he’s hungry”.

No. “I mean are you stupid? No.”

I have a dog with a very low prey drive, and a very low food drive. He will starve himself. As in “I’ll lose 20% of my body weight and still ignore that food.”

It simply is not a priority and removing food from a dog is unnecessarily cruel. Better to try something positive and see if you can change things.
Of course we’re also dealing with a dog who was still growing when I got him from the rescue, so he

You see, Puppies are wonderful and beautiful balls of love. However taking a dog away from Mom means that it does not learn what is acceptable in a pack. Feeding is one of those things that is effected and you end up with a painfully fussy dog.

He was almost certainly taken from his mother early and not socialized properly.

When your pup is in a pack of 8 brothers and sisters, you eat or you go hungry. Being picky means failure to thrive. If you aren’t taught that lesson, it may linger.

In our case it did.

So a little water, and 15 minutes in the microwave may just do the trick. It did with us.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/10/teaching-rack-to-eat-a-slow-eater-gets-much-better-with-water-and-heat/feed/0ramblingmooseMy Town Is So Small that our crazy cat lady only has one cat.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/07/my-town-is-so-small-that-our-crazy-cat-lady-only-has-one-cat/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/07/my-town-is-so-small-that-our-crazy-cat-lady-only-has-one-cat/#respondSun, 07 Jan 2018 15:00:37 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5912Yesterday two dogs.

Today, A Cat and a Dog.

Yes, you could say this is a dog of a joke.

Sniffing Dog

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.

“Good boy,” says the Marshall.

“What happened?” asks the man.

“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”

Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.

“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.

The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.

“What’s going on?!” demands the man.

The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/07/my-town-is-so-small-that-our-crazy-cat-lady-only-has-one-cat/feed/0ramblingmooseJokes are like puppies. If you have to pull them apart to see how they work, they’re not as fun.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/06/jokes-are-like-puppies-if-you-have-to-pull-them-apart-to-see-how-they-work-theyre-not-as-fun/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/06/jokes-are-like-puppies-if-you-have-to-pull-them-apart-to-see-how-they-work-theyre-not-as-fun/#respondSat, 06 Jan 2018 14:50:33 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5910Yeah I know nasty little groaner for the topic here today. It’s similar to a Groucho Marx joke:

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

You ask someone who lives in a place where they get wild swings of temperature when you don’t, they may tell you you’re crazy.

But if your dog gets cold, it gets cold, no matter where you are.

In my case, my dog got cold, and so did my relatives. Rack, the McNab SuperDog (TM), handles it in style. He simply rolls up into a dogball and parks himself in the corner.

He does it wrong, but he doesn’t care.

Last night, watching an old sitcom, I saw the ritual of the nest. I’ve got a mat for him to lay on to protect him from the cold slab that the house is built upon. Yes, I know, Cold is Relative. In this case, it’s relative enough for me to be wearing a pair of Doc Martins any time I am not in bed, or a shower, or shaving in front of a mirror.

But that’s normal for me.

The one time I tried to put my own Docs on my dog’s feet, he looked up at me with all knowing brown eyes and basically told me I was an idiot. Taking one foot out of each shoe, he slipped away.

Good for me, I was able to finish dressing. Sitting on the edge of the bed means that I generally have a 46 pound, badger black and white dog weaving his frame in and out of my legs. Like a cat. Which I can’t. I’m allergic to cats. That’s why we have a dog. A Good Dog indeed.

Who’s a good boy? Hmmm? You are!

So as he’s pawing on a mat that has to weigh as much as a bag of flour, not having much luck, and basically making a mess, he manages to roll it up into a ball. Then, Plop! He’s settling in next to it to sleep.

That Dog Sniffing His Tail position that McNab Dog owners are so familiar with. The tighter the dogball, the colder the weather.

But cold is all relative. My relatives. One in the Philadelphia Area, My Sister Pat at least doesn’t laugh at me when I tell her it’s cold out. She does remind me that while I may be feeling cold and it’s 50, I also went to Kelly Drive and would have a skate workout when there was ice on the trails in a T Shirt and Boxer shorts with a sweatshirt if it was windy.

Just a short workout, mind you, only 9 miles, but you can do it too. Come on, it was only 25, and I wasn’t crazy. Really I wasn’t.

The other one is in the middle of the great plains. The Middle of Nebraska. Les Nessman’s dream state. Where it was minus-freaking-25 Farenfreakingheit. Too Freaking Cold.

So cold that it doesn’t make too much sense to take the effort to convert the temp to Celsius because it is roughly the same. And my mind may be going from all that cold anyway because I could be getting the temperature wrong, oh never mind, let me have my damn coffee, it’s too cold to think about that!

Replace Freaking with whatever intensifier you wish. I have one in mind. Four bold letters. Describes the situation perfectly. Survival gear to go to the mailbox cold.

No. Just No. I’ll take solace in that it will only get colder here, and we’re expecting two degrees above freezing. Yes, 38F or 2C.

So this is the dry season. How I know is that it has been raining for two days in a row, and my banana tree sprouted a flower that just popped open. Just in time for near freezing temperatures.

The storm forms in the Caribbean, where the water is still warm, relatively. It does that pirouette dance to spin up into what my Sister will be calling a Nor’Easter, and wondering if it will get above freezing before the storm hits there.

Dunno, Pat, I remember once riding my motorcycle this time of year through the NJ Pine Barrens with just a T Shirt and Jeans because it was 70 with snow banks on the side of the road and ice patches in the shadows.

Dress for the Slide, not the Ride.

So it’s all relative. I will hide from my cold. You hide from your cold. Here, have some coffee.

Did I tell you that the freeze line is 8 miles north of me? Yeah, Clint Moore Road in Boca Raton according to the National Weather Service is as far south as freezing temps get.

Take that Boca! Hah!

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2018/01/03/the-colder-the-weather-the-tighter-the-dogball/feed/0ramblingmooseA New Year Poemhttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/31/a-new-year-poem/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/31/a-new-year-poem/#respondSun, 31 Dec 2017 15:19:56 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5900The new year poem

The horse and the mule live for 30 years, And know nothing of wines and beers;

The goat and sheep at 20 die, And never get a taste of Scotch and rye.

The cow drinks water by the tonne, And at 18 is mostly done, Without the aid of gin and rum.

The cat in milk and water soaks, And then in 12 short years it croaks.

The modest, sober, bone-dry hen, Lays eggs for others, then dies at 10.

All animals are strictly dry, They sinless live and swiftly die.

But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men, Survive for three score years and ten,

And some of them, though very few, Stay pickled till they’re 92!

So, never shed a tear, drink a beer… Celebrate the past, toast the future and Have a Rocking Happy New Year !!!

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/31/a-new-year-poem/feed/0ramblingmooseI went to by some camouflage trousers the other day….But I couldn’t find ‘em.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/30/i-went-to-by-some-camouflage-trousers-the-other-day-but-i-couldnt-find-em/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/30/i-went-to-by-some-camouflage-trousers-the-other-day-but-i-couldnt-find-em/#respondSat, 30 Dec 2017 15:01:35 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5896An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator…’

Some old men can still think fast!

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/30/i-went-to-by-some-camouflage-trousers-the-other-day-but-i-couldnt-find-em/feed/0ramblingmooseFour Paws and Bored? What do you want, Rack?https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/27/four-paws-and-bored-what-do-you-want-rack/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/27/four-paws-and-bored-what-do-you-want-rack/#respondWed, 27 Dec 2017 16:59:44 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5887I putter in the yard a lot.

When you have a string of pots with 25 species of plants in an average sized suburban yard, it tends to take a

little bit of time to do a yard inspection.

I’m out there twice a day, at least, and every day regardless of the weather.

Ok, there really are exceptions. I don’t think I went out there that day that Hurricane Irma was blowing her nasty head all over the entirety of the Florida Peninsula, but cut me a little bit of slack.

We have, all over the perimeter of the yard, plantings. They have been discovered by my dog, Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM), as well as Lettie who proceeded him and came down here with us from Philadelphia.

The plantings have also been discovered by the creatures that are trying to live in this yard. We’ve got two species of lizard here on a daily basis. They’re small enough to be entertaining and not a threat. There have been rare snakes, opossums, raccoons, iguanas, and of course neighbor’s cats that come through here.

The cats don’t belong. If you want a pet, keep them safe inside your home or on a leash. Can’t manage that, don’t have one. It keeps them alive longer.

For the most part whenever Rack explores, and I rattle around the plants, we don’t see anything out there. They hear us and move away.

With all this propagation going on, I’m kept entertained.

Monarch butterflies spot the Mexican Milkweed and eat it all to sticks. When the sticks get long, and begin to re-leaf, I take cuttings and stick them in pots. If I get seeds, the park gets them scattered there to return the favor of the original milkweed plants from years back.

Orchid pots are designed to rot away so that the plants can eat the nutrients. When they do, they need re-potting and you can split the plants into two or more.

Banana trees constantly regrow and are bursting through the pot I have them in. I’ll need a better solution but frankly unless you want to live in a banana grove that won’t happen. Pots it will be. Bananas are growing too, so I’ll have a treat further down the line.

All the while that I am doing that I am being watched. Granted, there are flocks of feral parrots that fly overhead screeching their call to flock, and a random scrawny squirrel that dines on Palm Nuts out of the trees on the property. Those squirrels would be laughed at up North. They’re about half the size of the ones up there.

No, I mean by my own dog Rack.

You see he goes through and does his own plant inspection and waters pots too. Thankfully not my food crops, but he does have his spots behind the hedges and under the Podocarpus.

Sometimes he’ll want to start running around so I’ll get distracted from considering the pruning of the Condo Mango tree that isn’t supposed to get more than 10 feet tall but is getting close. Usually we’ll get into our dance where he’ll run around like crazy to burn off steam. When he does, he will make these sharp turns around the obstacles in the yard at a speed that a hockey player would only dream of, and with grace a ballerina would aspire to.

In a short blast of air, he vanishes into a wormhole and visits his alternate family in the alternate universe. Coming back out of warp, he slows down to conventional speed and will run around some more.

Meanwhile, I’ve gone back to being boring and puttering around the yard. Fretting over the black mold that will grow on the concrete in cold seasons, or debating whether to break apart the Lemongrass that is now over 8 feet tall and swaying in the breezes making me want to make Thai food.

This is when I will feel the weight of his eyes. He will appear. He will tell me that he wants something else.

Inside.

You see, instead of having a kid running around screaming at me, I have a four footed McNab Dog staring me down. Smartest of all breeds, along with all the other smart ones, he knows how to get his point across.

If I ignore him, I do so at my own peril.

He was mistreated before I got him. Most likely removed from his mother too early, and then the first owner tried to convince him to be a hunting dog, he was an owner surrender. I would say that his allergies to grain and poultry based food had a lot to do with that. He came to us with worms that had to be treated three times, and a crushing fear of everything that he still shows from time to time.

However, I am his main person. Wherever he is, he is watching me, or at least where I am. If I am doing something and he wants a change, I find two brown eyes staring holes through my soul. He will sit at my feet and block me from moving on.

That is a herding behavior, modified. As a result of his rough start, his play drive is warped as well as his herding drive. If we are out and not going where he wants us to, he circles in front of me, looks up, and blocks my path.

Usually I give in, but that cuts my own walk short.

In this case, we’re in the yard. I’ve bored him. Plants are for peeing on, not for propagating to make fresh herbs for a pizza.

Come on, lets go! I’m Bored! say the brown eyes.

Just like a kid. “Ok, Rack, Show Me!”.

He trots to the door with a smile on his face.

“Show Me” is something I have always taught dogs. They can’t talk but they surely are expressive. They will take you to what they need or what they think you need. It isn’t always treats, it can be just the door or the leash. This makes things simple.

It also stops the bored dog by giving him a hand in what he wants to do.

Show Me, indeed. “Ok Boy, I’m coming, let’s go in.”

“Anybody want to go for a walk?

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/27/four-paws-and-bored-what-do-you-want-rack/feed/0ramblingmooseDid you hear the one about the speed bump and the cymbal? Ba-dum, tish.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/24/did-you-hear-the-one-about-the-speed-bump-and-the-cymbal-ba-dum-tish/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/24/did-you-hear-the-one-about-the-speed-bump-and-the-cymbal-ba-dum-tish/#commentsSun, 24 Dec 2017 14:31:46 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5885I should just use that topic for all these jokes! I only post what I like. Enjoy!

How did it happen?”

The doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.

“Well, doc, 25 years ago… ”

“Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, “No, everything is fine.”

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“I’m sure,” I said.

“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know.

“I reckon not,” I replied.

“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?”

“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/24/did-you-hear-the-one-about-the-speed-bump-and-the-cymbal-ba-dum-tish/feed/2ramblingmooseWhy was the baby strawberry sad? It’s parents were in a jam.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/23/why-was-the-baby-strawberry-sad-its-parents-were-in-a-jam/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/23/why-was-the-baby-strawberry-sad-its-parents-were-in-a-jam/#respondSat, 23 Dec 2017 14:26:02 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5883A man was walking down a dark street…

A man was walking down a dark street, suddenly he heard a thump behind him. It was an open coffin.
The man started running, frantically trying to get away from the coffin, still it kept coming.

He ran to his car got in and sped off. Thinking he was safe, he ran into his house and locked the door. The coffin burst through the door, sending splinters flying everywhere.
The man runs into the bathroom, trying his best to find a weapon, the only hope left for him was whatever he could find.

He checked everywhere, in the bath, in the sink, under the sink. Finally he checked in the cupboard and found cough syrup.
The coffin with a loud thud jumped through the door, and the man, with one last plea held the cough syrup up to the coffin.

To his surprise there was no more noise, no more fear.
The coughin’ had stopped.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/23/why-was-the-baby-strawberry-sad-its-parents-were-in-a-jam/feed/0ramblingmooseTwice Baked Potatoes – When A Recipe Is Not A Recipehttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/20/twice-baked-potatoes-when-a-recipe-is-not-a-recipe/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/20/twice-baked-potatoes-when-a-recipe-is-not-a-recipe/#respondWed, 20 Dec 2017 16:32:54 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5875The deal with Twice Baked Potatoes is that it isn’t this big fancy thing.

You see first, you make too many baked potatoes. Everyone does it now in the age of the microwave, has a dinner, makes too much and they sit in the fridge until someone nukes a leftover and … well you know what I mean.

A Microwaved leftover baked potato is not terribly appetizing. At least to me it isn’t.

I don’t want to run the big oven for just one potato.

Recipe for that is simple. Scrub the skin or peel it off. 450F/230C oven. Rub spices and olive oil on the outside of the potato. Puncture the skin. Wrap the potato in foil. Cook for 75 minutes or until tender.

Now you either have leftovers or you just made one.

Let the potato cool. You need to handle this thing with bare hands.

Now, when you go to eat it you tend to add things to a baked potato, right?

Butter, cheese, chives, dill, onion, bacon… A long list. It is what YOU like.

Guess what. The recipe for Twice Baked Potatoes reads like that. Granted you add a few drops of milk but there isn’t much more.

First, Slice the potato in half lengthwise.

Second. scoop most of the potato out of the skin, leaving enough that the skin will stand on its own. Less

than a Centimeter or a third of an Inch will do it.

Third, place those insides of the potato in a mixing bowl or the bowl of a food processor.

Finally, add to the bowl your own mix of spices and cheeses. I recommend using cheese, it helps keep it all together.

1 ounce or 28 grams of sharp Cheddar or any other easily meltable, although I use Parmesan.

Add Ins: Get creative – I dusted mine with Dill Weed. You can add bacon. Anything you like.

See? I told you it was simple. Now…

Preparation:

Add all ingredients to the potato insides in the bowl.

Mix ingredients until fairly smoothly incorporated into an even mixture using potato masher or food processor.

Scoop the ingredients into the potato skins.

Bake for 20 plus minutes at 350F/180C moderate oven until the tops begin to turn brown.

Just begin to turn brown… don’t go too far. This always takes more than 20 minutes for me, sometimes as much as 30 minutes to cook. Check every 5 minutes or so after 20 minutes.

Bottom line with this is that I tend to make things ahead. I tend to bake these until I spot a little caramelization in the tops of the potatoes then quit. Since I will be re-reheating this stuff, I will toss it inside the toaster oven.

Can you tell, it’s a very forgiving recipe?

Variation? Yes.

The proportions are simple. For each mid sized potato it is 1/2 Tablespoon (7g) of butter, 1/3 ounce (10g) of cheese, everything else is To Taste.

The cheese will bind this stuff together when it gets hot. Think of mortar holding bricks together.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/20/twice-baked-potatoes-when-a-recipe-is-not-a-recipe/feed/0ramblingmooseHey Girl, are you a bible? Cause you look like you haven’t been picked up in a long time.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/17/hey-girl-are-you-a-bible-cause-you-look-like-you-havent-been-picked-up-in-a-long-time/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/17/hey-girl-are-you-a-bible-cause-you-look-like-you-havent-been-picked-up-in-a-long-time/#respondSun, 17 Dec 2017 14:59:02 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5873When I was growing up, I had a good friend, Dan. His mom was from El Paso, Texas. Diane was her name. She was a fascinating character who put up with my teenage foolishness, way more than a grownup should have. But she had a talent. There is a tradition in the Southwest of the Cowboy Story Teller. She had a bit of that in her, and it was always quite interesting to listen to her talk about the days back in El Paso.

Even if you never got to meet Diane, I could totally see her do this.
Cowboy dies and heads to heaven

A longtime cowboy meets St Peter soon after his death. Business has been brisk at the Pearly Gates so St Peter has instituted a 3 question test to see if you qualify to enter heaven. It’s a fairly simple test to avoid being prejudicial in any way

StPeter asks the 1 st question of the cowboy: how many days of the week start with he letter “t”.
The old fellow thinks a bit and answers with a drawl, “well, I figure all of them do”. St. Peter chuckles and says “there are only 2, Tuesday and Thursday but not the rest. But I’m curious about your answer”. The cowboy looks at St Peter and says “ well y’all right bout there being 2 but they is T’day and T’morra”. St. Peter is delighted by the answer and decides to ask the next question.

“How many seconds are there in a year?”
The cowboy ponders for a moment and answers “12”. St Peter chuckles again and says “Not even close, how did you figure that.”
The old fella says “well there’s January 2nd, February 2nd …. and December 2nd”. St. Peter is amused by the answer and the cowboys oblique approach to the questions so he decided to more to the final question.

“What is Jesus’s first name?” The cowboy answers immediately, “Andrew” St Peter, now beyond doubting the cowboy’s logic, asks, “Ok, how do you know that?” The cowboy replies, “I learned it at church from that song” “Which song?” St. Peter asks, clearly confused.

The cowboy replies, “ Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me ……

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/17/hey-girl-are-you-a-bible-cause-you-look-like-you-havent-been-picked-up-in-a-long-time/feed/0ramblingmooseI saw an elephant crossing the road. I called him a Chicken.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/16/i-saw-an-elephant-crossing-the-road-i-called-him-a-chicken/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/16/i-saw-an-elephant-crossing-the-road-i-called-him-a-chicken/#respondSat, 16 Dec 2017 14:59:00 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5871I guess I have a theme today. Elephant Jokes! Ok, just two of them.

How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?

Student: Sir can i have a question?
Teacher: Yes!

Student: how do you put an elephant inside a fridge?
Teacher: I don’t know

Student: its easy you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!
Teacher: okay ask!

Student: how do you put a donkey inside the fridge?
Teacher: It’s easy you, open the fridge and put it in.

Student: No sir! You just open the fridge take out the elephant and put it in.
Teacher: ohhh.. Ok!

Student: let me ask another one, If all the animals went to the lion’s birthday party, and one animal went missing which one would it be?
Teacher: the Lion of course! Because it would eat all the animals.

Student: No sir, it is the donkey because it is still inside the fridge.
Teacher: are you kidding me?!

Student: no sir! One last question.
Teacher: ok!!

Student: If there’s a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to cross, how would you?
Teacher: There’s no way, i would need a boat to cross.

Student: No sir, you just swim and cross it because all the animals went to the lion’s birthday party!

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/16/i-saw-an-elephant-crossing-the-road-i-called-him-a-chicken/feed/0ramblingmooseHomemade Bisquik Substitute and Biscuitshttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/13/homemade-bisquik-substitute-and-biscuits/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/13/homemade-bisquik-substitute-and-biscuits/#respondWed, 13 Dec 2017 15:39:47 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/13/homemade-bisquik-substitute-and-biscuits/Updated. Please note that this recipe does work, but the next step of making it into biscuits can be wrong if you aren’t careful with how much of each ingredient you use. It’s easy to slip. I did.

I got into a bind. We had just come home from shopping and I meant to get bisquick.

I wanted it in the house so I could make biscuits.

I have two recipes.

One is on here as my Cream Biscuit recipe, and it usually tastes more rich. They should since they are loaded with whipping cream. I can hear a proper Southern Woman saying, of course, honey, y’all have to have fat in your biscuits. She would want me to try it with ice cold butter and cutting it in and …

The other one is using Bisquick. (Little R in a circle, trademark of General Mills and Betty Crocker and …so on). Bisquick is fine, and it’s a fine product, but we just don’t use it enough to keep it here enough that I get good and reproducible results.

It’s two parts Bisquick to one part milk, bake at 450 for about 10 minutes or until done.

But… how hard can it be to make your own mix like a substitute for Bisquick?

Turns out that it is not hard at all. And this is a small quantity so you can double, triple, or whatever the upscale factor is that you need.

This is enough to make 5 biscuits. Just add 4.4 ounces of milk – 125 grams. Bake at 450F for 10 minutes or until done. Update – be careful here. Just because some idiot blog writer says 125g/4.4 ounces doesn’t mean it is right. A Biscuit batter should be rather sticky but will hold a ball shape. It will fight leaving a spoon or a hand and not be dry.

(Where did I hear that before?)

Ingredients:

2 cups All Purpose Flour

1 Tablespoon Baking Powder

1/2 teaspoon Salt

2 Tablespoons Butter – At Room Temp or Partially Melted

Process:

Add the first three ingredients to a mixing bowl dry.

Blend the ingredients somewhat.

Add butter and mix until the mixture is even and lumps are gone.

To use for biscuits, add 4.4 ounces or 125 grams of cold milk to the bowl. Update – be careful here. Just because some idiot blog writer says 125g/4.4 ounces doesn’t mean it is right. A Biscuit batter should be rather sticky but will hold a ball shape. It will fight leaving a spoon or a hand and not be dry.

Mix until somewhat blended but do not over mix.

The mix should be sticky.

Bake at 450F for 10 plus minutes or until done.

May be doubled, add extra butter, or smother with sausage gravy.

After all, 5 lonely biscuits won’t really last you long will they?

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/13/homemade-bisquik-substitute-and-biscuits/feed/0ramblingmooseYo mama so dumb, She asked me the number of ‘911’https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/10/yo-mama-so-dumb-she-asked-me-the-number-of-911/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/10/yo-mama-so-dumb-she-asked-me-the-number-of-911/#respondSun, 10 Dec 2017 16:51:05 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5865If you have ever read instructions and thought “Instructions unclear, installed third eye” this one is for you.

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

“Listen,” says the doc, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to “spend time” with her. (Use your imagination, I cleaned it up)

Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

“Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice house

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/10/yo-mama-so-dumb-she-asked-me-the-number-of-911/feed/0ramblingmooseA Dad is washing a car with his son. The son asks: ‘Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/09/a-dad-is-washing-a-car-with-his-son-the-son-asks-dad-cant-you-just-use-a-sponge-2/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/09/a-dad-is-washing-a-car-with-his-son-the-son-asks-dad-cant-you-just-use-a-sponge-2/#respondSat, 09 Dec 2017 15:01:03 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5863This is definitely a Dad Joke. I’ve heard it told a couple times, and while I groan, I always have enjoyed it.

How much do you know about Gandhi?

He would go on hunger strikes, so he was a pretty skinny guy to begin with. But one time, he walked all the way from the interior of India to the coast to pick up salt from the seaside.

He was protesting something to do with British taxes, I can’t remember the details, but he did the whole trip barefoot, and by the end of the trip his callouses on his feet were so thick he could practically walk on hot coals.

He hardly ate or slept on his March to the sea, he power walked the whole thing.

The thing about doing strenuous exercise without much food is, your body starts breaking down other fuel, like muscles and connective tissues, and your breath gets this sickly sweet smell to it, like rotting fruit.

I was the weird kid that really truly enjoyed these. I learned early that the Redder The Better because there was more flavor on them.

So I went looking, found lots of recipes on how to make this, and ended up tweaking to get this recipe.

It’s the powder that you sprinkle on potato chips to turn them into BBQ Chips after putting it in the oven.

I have been dipping tortilla chips into it and knocking off the “excess” the last couple days and, Yeah!, pretty darn good too!

This is a smallish recipe, and can be scaled up easily if you find you like it.

I bet it could also go into a cheese shaker or a salt shaker for use as a condiment on the table.

I know I like this on a baked potato, and the little bit I need isn’t enough for me to worry about the calorie count, or whatever else is in it.

Yes, there is salt and brown sugar in the recipe. Depending on how you use it, it’s possible that the salt can be left out.

You know… season to taste? Especially good on bland foods.

Oh one last thing that I noticed when I put that pic together? It’s a great way to use up your old or out of date spices. If you look at that pic really closely… you will notice that the date stamped on top of the Onion Powder is 2013. It’s now 2017.

Oops!

Dry Barbecue Potato Chip Seasoning Recipe

Ingredients:

1 Tablespoon Paprika

1 1/2 teaspoon packed brown sugar (I used Dark)

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon chili powder

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon onion powder

1/4 teaspoon black pepper

To Prepare:

Mix everything in a jar thoroughly.

To Use:

Dust the surface of the food to taste after cooking.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/06/dry-barbecue-potato-chip-seasoning-recipe/feed/0ramblingmooseWhat do you call a Christmas wreath made out of 100 dollar bills? Awreatha Franklin!https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/03/what-do-you-call-a-christmas-wreath-made-out-of-100-dollar-bills-awreatha-franklin/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/03/what-do-you-call-a-christmas-wreath-made-out-of-100-dollar-bills-awreatha-franklin/#respondSun, 03 Dec 2017 16:01:10 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5857I love Aretha’s music so any chance to say it I’m all for… but being Sunday, that’s not why you are here, is it? Bad jokes anyone?

Oh and a little back story here. Key West is at the end of the Florida Keys. Coming back to the mainland it is 120 miles of beautiful turquoise waters, tiny little islands full of houses built on stilts, and places to stay. Miami is 160 miles from Key West, and I am 190 from Key West.

If I remember right. It’s a long drive. Four hours…

Last Wishes

Doug Smith lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife rolls her eyes and replies, “The ‘fool’ had a paper route”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/03/what-do-you-call-a-christmas-wreath-made-out-of-100-dollar-bills-awreatha-franklin/feed/0ramblingmooseHow do both Santa and Ebeneezer Scrooge keep their hair so lustrous? With Ho Ho Bah!https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/02/how-do-both-santa-and-ebeneezer-scrooge-keep-their-hair-so-lustrous-with-ho-ho-bah/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/02/how-do-both-santa-and-ebeneezer-scrooge-keep-their-hair-so-lustrous-with-ho-ho-bah/#respondSat, 02 Dec 2017 16:00:30 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5855When four of Santa’s elves got sick and the trainee elves didn’t produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then, the doorbell rang and an irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/12/02/how-do-both-santa-and-ebeneezer-scrooge-keep-their-hair-so-lustrous-with-ho-ho-bah/feed/0ramblingmooseGrowing Ginger in Containers or How We Stumbled Upon A Thinghttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/29/growing-ginger-in-containers-or-how-we-stumbled-upon-a-thing/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/29/growing-ginger-in-containers-or-how-we-stumbled-upon-a-thing/#respondWed, 29 Nov 2017 15:13:29 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5849I say Stumbled Upon because like a lot of my ideas, it was due to a rapid fire exchange of ideas with a good friend of mine up in the Atlanta suburbs, Craig.
Picture from https://en.wikipedia.com/wiki/ginger

You see Craig and I have been exchanging ideas on what to plant for a while. The Climate there is about the same as I had in Philadelphia, Zone 7a or 7b depending on whether you live on the East or West of Philly.

When I lived there, I would fill my back deck with dozens of pots that would all march their way indoors by Halloween or whenever the first cold snap into the mid 30s would happen.

That would be a low of 2 or 3 C for the Fahrenheit Impaired.

Apparently with Ginger, you don’t have to be so concerned. The plants will die back in colder areas and Zone 8 should be fine – that’s 10F or about -7C. Colder than that and it’s a container plant.

I had mentioned that we were given a pot of Variegated Ginger and wondered if it was the same “stuff” that I use when I stir fry chicken. He said No, but you can grow that stuff from the stores.

We banged it back and forth and the method we put together was this.

First, get yourself a piece of ginger with a lot of “fingers” on it.

Select a finger about the length and size of the first joint of your thumb to the length of your thumb.

Wash all the pieces you wish to plant in Dish Soap thoroughly.

Don’t bruise the skin while washing the pieces.

No, you didn’t wash it enough, repeat the wash another two or three times.

Plant in well drained soil, or a pot, and wait.

Water periodically and hope that the Squirrels don’t put peanuts in the pot.

The reason why I mention those damn Squirrels is my neighbors feed them raw peanuts. They grab the peanuts and bury them in my pots. I have peanuts growing in about a quarter of the pots I have out back.

It is the same thing with me, I guess. I’m the kind of guy that throws pieces of tomato or fruit that is past its prime in the garden and watches to see if it grows. Win-win, if it doesn’t I get fertilizer for this beach sand we call soil here.

I had actually forgotten that I put those thumbs in the ground in my front garden because when I walked out there one afternoon, I noticed that two ginger plants were mixed in with all the other confusion that I have out front.

I dug them up and then put into a pot, minus the peanut plants, so I could watch over them.

Ginger does not seem to mind being crowded in a pot, so you can plant it and grow it “Up North”.

Now, if you live in a zone that is on the edge, like my sister does in Zone 7b Cherry Hill, NJ, you may be able to “get away with it” in the ground. Find a south facing wall of your house. Plant close to the foundation because the sun hitting your walls will warm the soil just a few degrees, and it may be just enough.

Here, 8 miles south of the freezing temp lines, I don’t have to worry at all. But as always, your mileage may vary.

Why would you bother?

My friend Craig got further along than I did with this. Of course you can go to your favorite market and buy ginger root, that’s not the point. The point is that the flavor of absolutely fresh Ginger Root is much more complex than some that has been shipped, treated with anti-growing chemicals, and sitting in the store waiting for you to use it. Any natural product will taste different depending on where it grows. In fact, certain plantings in certain fields in certain farms will yield different results.

Oh and the green parts of the plant? You won’t find those in stores, but Ginger Greens and Stems are edible as well. They can be tough, so you may limit that to tea or used in soups or stirfry but it’s worth a shot. You may find a new favorite. Chop fine until you realize your own way of using them. You will have a lot since the plant grows waist high.

That is called the “Terroir” by the French and is used to describe the effect of the environment on the grapes that go into the wine. Similar effects happen with Coffee where one specific estate on one specific mountain will taste different than the adjacent field because there’s just a tiny difference in the amount of water or sunlight or …

Well you get the idea.

So give it a shot, the worst thing that could happen is that you get a “pretty plant” and a great story to tell the nosy neighbors.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/26/ive-been-watching-a-cat-documentary-today-its-on-paws/feed/0ramblingmooseCalculators are reliable. You can always count on them.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/25/calculators-are-reliable-you-can-always-count-on-them/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/25/calculators-are-reliable-you-can-always-count-on-them/#respondSat, 25 Nov 2017 17:27:34 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5845Here are a couple of short-mid sized jokes for you to try on for size. They made me smile, so maybe you will too.

The Mystery Kitchen Utensil

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

Why I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

My wife and I went out for a leisurely drive to see the autumn leaves, when we noticed that one of the tires seemed to be getting low…

She was a bit taken aback when I asked her for some change and asked, “Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!”

I looked at her and winked, “Inflation.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/25/calculators-are-reliable-you-can-always-count-on-them/feed/0ramblingmooseBougainvilleas and Bananas on Thanksgivinghttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/22/bougainvilleas-and-bananas-on-thanksgiving/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/22/bougainvilleas-and-bananas-on-thanksgiving/#respondWed, 22 Nov 2017 16:34:27 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5840On this week before Thanksgiving, there is a lot of “Prep Work” to do.

The hedges get cut back,

House gets cleaned,

Shed gets cleaned,

Yard gets cleaned,

Well, you get the idea.

I would say this is where the law of unintended consequences happens.

While I don’t have a good definition for it, I can explain it really well in one short phrase:

Never paint your kitchen.

Why? Because then your cabinets will look shabby. You then have to replace them. While your kitchen is gutted, you look at your oven from the last decade and think this would be a good time to do it. Maybe swap out the electric range for a gas or propane one. After all, being able to cook indoors is good for emergencies.

You get the idea.

So we got started. Actually we started a while back before the hurricanes hit South Florida and cleared out the shed. That gave me the open “16th Puzzle Piece”.

I talk about this often. There is a game that has 15 square pieces. Usually has numbers on them. There is one piece missing, the 16th Puzzle Piece. You slide the pieces around to get them out of order for someone and then hand it to them to “fix”. I guess it was a Rubix Cube before there were any.

I often joke that I feel like the 16th Puzzle Piece.

It makes me feel like a banana. Or this banana leaf, you never know where they will crop up.

Once you have managed to go out to the shed to get that piece you need to fix something that just broke, you notice the yard and the plants and take a pause.

But there is rather a lot to get done.

Also remember, the dog lives here and you don’t. Different lecture but the tumbleweeds under the AC Intake that the dog left there need to be picked up reminding you that you need to replace the filter bag in the vacuum and no you can’t just pull the old dirt out and dump it into the trash because that bag had that done once already.

It’s a process.

But I will say that if you are reading this and your Turkey is still frozen, you may be out of luck.

I can help but I am not guaranteeing it will work…

Place your wrapped in plastic, frozen, and un-thawed meat (Turkey, Chicken, Beef, it doesn’t matter) into the sink that has been thoroughly cleaned and plugged up. Fill the sink with tap water. It does not have to be hot, and it won’t be for long. Submerge that package of meat/poultry/frozen stuff in the water. Check back in an hour.

The water will speed your thawing up. It’s of course at your own risk so make sure it isn’t in there longer than you need it to thaw and it does not spoil. The good thing is that it is faster and safer than leaving a frozen block of dinner out on the counter overnight. But you do need to use your own judgement on how long to keep it in the water bath.

At least that one hour will let you vacuum the dog or the cat fur out of the kitchen and maybe even let you scour the bathtub.
Isn’t having guests a pain in the tail?

Speaking of guests and pets – remember don’t let anyone feed traditional Thanksgiving food to the dog. Raisins, onions, and many of the herbs and spices that are in that feast will sicken or kill your dog outright. Better to stick with their dog food if there is any doubt.

And no matter how much they beg, no Onions for the dog.

When you’re through with all of that and the meal is done, you can start on the wiring in the backyard. You really did want to get the low voltage wiring run the 100 feet from the front yard to the shed so you can see inside the thing, didn’t you?

Ok lets just skip it and hit the Chinese restaurant for some Curried Chicken instead! They’re open, aren’t they?

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/22/bougainvilleas-and-bananas-on-thanksgiving/feed/0ramblingmooseMy neighbors are listening to good music whether they like it or not.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/19/my-neighbors-are-listening-to-good-music-whether-they-like-it-or-not/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/19/my-neighbors-are-listening-to-good-music-whether-they-like-it-or-not/#respondSun, 19 Nov 2017 16:25:26 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5838Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout.

Not having a spare he finally finds a house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck.
As she opens the door for him to come in, a Three Legged Pig runs out.

He asks “why does that Pig only have three legs?”
She says that they had a fire and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out.

He said “but why does the Pig only have three legs?”
She said well another time my son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in and the Pig ran to the barn and got a rope and saved him.

Again he asked “why does the Pig only have three legs?”
After all the Pig did for us, it didn’t seem right to eat him all at once.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/19/my-neighbors-are-listening-to-good-music-whether-they-like-it-or-not/feed/0ramblingmooseA Dad is washing a car with his son. The son asks: ‘Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/18/a-dad-is-washing-a-car-with-his-son-the-son-asks-dad-cant-you-just-use-a-sponge/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/18/a-dad-is-washing-a-car-with-his-son-the-son-asks-dad-cant-you-just-use-a-sponge/#respondSat, 18 Nov 2017 16:46:41 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5836Till death

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.

Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.

The first man: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his life and never even thought of another woman, so he was granted a brand new Corvette to drive for all of eternity.

The second man: He was a very good man. He Had one moment of weakness and cheated on his spouse but was forgiven and continued to live a life of faithfulness afterwards. For this, he was granted a used Ford pick-up truck to drive for all of eternity.

The third man: This man was intolerable. He had cheated on his spouse every chance he had gotten. For this, he was sentenced to drive an old beat up junker for the rest of eternity.

A few days later, the man in the junker glances down the highway and sees the man in the Corvette crying! The man pulls pulls up and proceeds to ask,

“Why are you crying? You have a wonderful car to enjoy for the rest of eternity! What could possibly be so troubling?”

2 ounces/4 tablespoons of butter at room temperature and sliced into thin pieces.

1 cup of sugar.

2 ounces of water.

To a cold 2 quart saucepan, add the sugar and water.

Stir the ingredients to mix.

Turn on heat Medium High to High.

Boil until the mix turns “toffee colored”

Add the nuts, stir, and count to ten.

Add butter. The butter will boil immediately. Stir

Remove from heat and pour over the popcorn mix.

Serve: Allow to cool fully, break into Bite Sized Pieces.

Oh! and all of it is 1400 calories plus your popcorn calories.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/15/popcorn-peanut-brittle-with-chocolate-chips/feed/0ramblingmooseWhich side of a leopard has more spots? The outside.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/12/which-side-of-a-leopard-has-more-spots-the-outside/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/12/which-side-of-a-leopard-has-more-spots-the-outside/#respondSun, 12 Nov 2017 14:30:44 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5828Since I’m putting this together early and am waiting for the pizza crust to rise a bit, he’s some cheese for you!

Did you hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory?

Da brie was everywhere!

Gouda thing nobody was hurt!

Did anyone else notice that things like these are becoming more and more provolone recently?

A girl asks a boy: “Peter, how much do you love me?”

The boy looks her in the eyes, “Look up at the stars, that’s how much I love you.”

The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”

Boy nods, “Exactly!”

Britain’s oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taken a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…

I told her not to get her hopes up. “After all,” I said, “we’re only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.” When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, “This is your thirty-second birthday.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/12/which-side-of-a-leopard-has-more-spots-the-outside/feed/0ramblingmooseWhat’s the difference between a superhero and a professional wrestler? Superheroes fight for a just cause; wrestlers fight just ’cause.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/11/whats-the-difference-between-a-superhero-and-a-professional-wrestler-superheroes-fight-for-a-just-cause-wrestlers-fight-just-cause/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/11/whats-the-difference-between-a-superhero-and-a-professional-wrestler-superheroes-fight-for-a-just-cause-wrestlers-fight-just-cause/#respondSat, 11 Nov 2017 15:26:28 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5825

Happy Veterans Day. 11/11/1917 at 11:11AM. Someone with Clock OCD said we all stop fighting at that time, instead of stopping immediately.

And speaking of time:

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “you can’t come in here… you have to go to the other place”.

But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, “OK… here’s what I’ll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here.”

The lawyer figured this wasn’t too bad of a deal, so he said “OK”.

St. Peter said, “Great… I’ll see you in 350 years.”.

The lawyer said, “But, how is that possible… I’m only 65 years old!”.

St Peter said, “We go by billing hours”.

Furthermore, Brains:

Scientists removed the right half brain of a man and then, they asked him to count to ten.

The man counted, “two, four, six, eight, ten.”

Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten.

The man counted, “one, three, five, seven, nine.”

The scientists then removed both halves of the man’s brain, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said, “look, we’re gonna count to ten. We’re gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can’t count to one-believe me, I’ve counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn’t count to ten. Well, I’m beating all of those people in the polls. We’re gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!”

Success! But note that the information will be in which ever template that you had chosen for the install of the WordPress software. You will probably want to adjust that as needed since it probably does not match the original blog.

All this will take a while, go pet your dog, or make coffee.

At this point your server will have your blog or website.

In my case, it’s local so I can make changes to my look and feel without harming my “production” website.

That new site can be anywhere, it could be on WordPress on the cloud.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/08/debian-linux-stretch-backup-or-restore-your-blog-or-website-into-your-new-server-using-blogger-or-wordpress/feed/0ramblingmooseWhat did one mug say to another mug after they got mugged? Call the cups!https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/05/what-did-one-mug-say-to-another-mug-after-they-got-mugged-call-the-cups/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/05/what-did-one-mug-say-to-another-mug-after-they-got-mugged-call-the-cups/#respondSun, 05 Nov 2017 14:08:01 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5821A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn’t.

Officer: Yes, you were. I’m giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn’t speeding.

Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?

Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?

Officer: I can’t give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you’re a jerk!

I was at the gas station…
And I noticed this policeman watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas! I saw her and thought, “Is this lady stupid or crazy?! With the cop right there too!”
I went inside and paid for my gas and as I was checking out, I heard someone screaming. I looked out the window and saw that the woman’s arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around like crazy!

I ran outside to help and saw that the cop had put her on the ground and was putting the fire out with his coffee! Then he put handcuffs on her and threw her in the back seat of his car. I was thinking “What kind of idiot smokes when pumping gas?” But being the nosy person that I am, I asked the cop what he was arresting her for.
He looked me square in the eyes and said … “Waving a firearm!”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/05/what-did-one-mug-say-to-another-mug-after-they-got-mugged-call-the-cups/feed/0ramblingmooseI found a baby sheep wrapped in plastic sheets the other day. It had been lamb-inatedhttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/04/i-found-a-baby-sheep-wrapped-in-plastic-sheets-the-other-day-it-had-been-lamb-inated/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/04/i-found-a-baby-sheep-wrapped-in-plastic-sheets-the-other-day-it-had-been-lamb-inated/#respondSat, 04 Nov 2017 13:03:02 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5819A couple were struggling making a baby

They had just married and wanted to have kids. But for some unlucky reason, they had trouble conceiving.

Few months go past and finally! The wife is pregnant. The couple is super excited and happy as ever. The day comes when the wife is giving birth, and out comes a head… just a head. The baby was breathing and crying, but the doctors could not explain why he didn’t have a body.

As sad as this was, it didn’t phase the parents. They gave him a beautiful home, a great education, and a wonderful life. They did their best to not let their child feel disadvantaged, and it worked, because the child grew up to be a happy and successful student.

On the kid’s 18th birthday, his father and some family friends took him out to have a beer. This was his first ever beer, and his father felt like he deserved it. Using a straw, the kid took his first ever sip of beer, and all of a sudden, his body stretches out! And some arms! And legs too!

He couldn’t believe it, no one did. The kid became ecstatic and began rejoicing. He got up, and ran out of the pub to celebrate and spread the news to the other townsfolk, and WHAM! he gets hit by a bus.

His father looks from the window, and says “Well, he should’ve quit while he was ahead”

No, it’s not like Granny saying her “Rheumatiz” is firing up and predicting the weather.

It’s more like the pool is cooling, the house is cooling, and the windows are open.

There are just some things you don’t want to do when the weather is hot. Roasting a chicken or some potatoes, or both is one of them.

Of course I know some people who would say that they would never want to do that, for various reasons. But if the temps are in the mid 90s and will be for two months, you tend to hold off doing that sort of thing.

It’s that “Who Needs More Heat” mindset.

But this week has been what passes for cool here. High in the 70s and warming to the low 80s.

Blistering hot for anyone living in the northern latitudes. For us here in Sunny Florida, it’s perfect weather to roast those root vegetables.

No, it’s not a recipe, but since you asked. Scrub the potatoes well, score the flesh, rub with a little olive oil and perhaps salt or pepper or both. Wrap in foil. Toss in the oven at 450F for an hour. Should be close enough.

Larger potatoes take an extra 15 minutes to 30. Test with a fork.

That’s how I have been heating the house. Or at least I did when what passes for cold here arrived.

Yeah, cold. Get out the survival gear, it’s 56!

Someone who is Farenheit Impaired would wonder what on Earth I am talking about. Then do the conversion and wonder why I am complaining about a 15 C Day.

Here, when that happens, we’re all in black, and sunning ourselves on a rock. Yes, Florida turns you into a big lizard. We get cranky and dress for sub freezing temps when things are merely “cool” to the rest of the world.

Tropical countries would agree.

So when we go to the market later this week, I will look long and hard at that Roasting Chicken, and debate getting more potatoes to “Heat the House”.

Wandering around town, I noticed that the people aren’t the only ones noticing.

Rack the SuperDog (TM) also has more energy. The walks are getting crazy long.
Having a smart dog means that they aren’t just a lump of cute. You see, my boy learned the neighborhood. He knows its bounds. He knows where to go and where not to go.

I got up that morning and said “Lets go, Show me walk”.

Bad idea.

I was cold and cranky. It was two hours to sunrise. I just wanted to get back inside.

We went out, and got walking. He did his business quickly. Now normally a lazy middle aged dog coupled to a cranky and tired man means a short walk.

Nope. We got out a half mile from home. He turned back toward the house. When we got to the turn to the house he stopped, looked up at me, smiled, and did a 90 degree turn wrenching my arm out of my socket.

I bent down, picked up my detatched arm, slid it back inside the leather jacket that would have been unnecessary had we lived in a more normal climate, and attached it into position.

Turbines whirred, lights flashed, pilot noises happened with servo noises and beeps. My arm was reattached with a metallic click. Handy to have a way to take a trip into the future.

“Rack! Wait up!” I plodded after him.

We walked another half mile out. Usually at this point he is ready to go home.

Or so I thought.

We got to walk back to the house, but when we got there, he spun up his robotic space-legs, and pulled me through a warp in Space-Time past the welcoming abode.

“Boy, are we going for more?”

He looked back at me, smiled again, and I shrugged as we passed into another dimension.

Or maybe not.

Total walk was a three mile long one. Five Kilometers.

He is a herding dog after all.

But that’s the thing. Take advantage of the day, whether it is blistering hot, or frigid cold, or what ever you call it.

There will be fresh potatoes waiting for you when you’re back.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/11/01/cooler-weather-potatoes-and-a-weird-dog-walk/feed/0ramblingmooseWhat’s the best part in a boxing joke? The punchline.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/29/whats-the-best-part-in-a-boxing-joke-the-punchline/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/29/whats-the-best-part-in-a-boxing-joke-the-punchline/#respondSun, 29 Oct 2017 14:30:02 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5803A man is on his death bed. He asks his wife…

“Will you re-marry after I die?”
“Oh, I don’t know…” she says. “Maybe.”

“Will you let another man move into our house with you?”
“Oh, I don’t know… Maybe.”

“Will you let another man drive my car?”
“Oh, I don’t know… Maybe.”

“Well, will you have sex with another man at some point?”
“Oh, I don’t know… Maybe.”

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, “HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!”
I replied “Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!”
“Yes, but not from the high dive!”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/29/whats-the-best-part-in-a-boxing-joke-the-punchline/feed/0ramblingmooseI left my chicken feed out in the rain and it turned into porridge overnight. Could I be accused of gruelty to animals?https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/28/i-left-my-chicken-feed-out-in-the-rain-and-it-turned-into-porridge-overnight-could-i-be-accused-of-gruelty-to-animals/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/28/i-left-my-chicken-feed-out-in-the-rain-and-it-turned-into-porridge-overnight-could-i-be-accused-of-gruelty-to-animals/#respondSat, 28 Oct 2017 14:24:36 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5801

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine…

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.

“It’s a unique species of oak tree, with only a few still alive in the world today.”

He told me. Apparently you have to keep them indoors because in the 1800s some botanist called Edward Nooj discovered that their inability to cope with harsh weather conditions could lead to their extinction.

My friend kept his in an enclosed chamber with special UV lamps and imported soil.

“Surely they must have be able to grow out in the weather if they lived for hundreds of years before this Nooj guy came along” I said to him

To which he replied, “Well yes I’m sure that back then they flourished, but these days there’s certainly no Nooj Oaks under the sun.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/28/i-left-my-chicken-feed-out-in-the-rain-and-it-turned-into-porridge-overnight-could-i-be-accused-of-gruelty-to-animals/feed/0ramblingmooseHow Much Chocolate is Too Muchhttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/25/how-much-chocolate-is-too-much/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/25/how-much-chocolate-is-too-much/#respondWed, 25 Oct 2017 15:09:16 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5794When someone near to me came home from London, he brought me something that I appreciated very much.

I just did not know how much?

I mean… this is apparently a “Thing” in Britain.

By which I mean “Supersized” chocolate bars.

I am laughing at the display on my room organizer right now. This is … ridiculous.

But it is a “thing” there, and the reality is that there is the concept of a reasonable amount of any given food to eat.

Really, this is huge! The sheer size of it has me laughing.

Way up at the top of the picture is a “standard” single serving Hershey’s Chocolate bar. It’s not my favorite chocolate by a long shot, but here in the land of Big Food and Cheap Food, it’s what we think of as a single serving.

Granted, it is 220 calories which is a bit large for some of my more petite friends to have in one sitting. I have a friend who is 1/2 my size and weight, and that 1.55 ounce, or 43 gram serving is what should be about all she should have of candy or dessert all day.

My being twice that size I’m maintaining weight with twice that amount per day. I lose a pound all week, gain it back on the weekend, and I have since High School. It’s in balance. My doctor had no complaints about my weight or my fitness level at all.

Rule of thumb is calories are to be balanced from 30% Fat, 30% Carb, 40% Protein.

Training Diets are 1 gram protein per pound of weight. Lower Fat and Carbs as needed. Good luck with that.

Nutrition guidelines aside… that little bar is a “single serving”.

Now, since what we get here in Los Estados Unidos with the name Cadbury doesn’t taste right to me, I have a standing order with anyone going to England to bring back Cadbury Chocolates.

It used to be that Cadbury was made by Hershey by license. It also does not taste right to me, nor the same.

Close, but not quite. Kit Kats are the same too for me. I could be wrong.

Could be the water, or that the chocolate is different. I don’t know. When I have a Cadbury branded chocolate here I don’t think it tastes “right” to me. My opinion. I’d just rather get Cadbury imported from Old Blighty than walk down the block to the rather excellent candy store and get a bar there.

Maybe I should. Just not today.

That and my licorice allsorts. Bassetts. They’re stale if I get them locally, but amazing if bought at the airport at Gatwick just before you leave.

Then there’s that bar of Cadbury Fruit and Nut in the middle. It is 300 grams. 10.58 ounces.

And don’t get me on Your Country Should Go Metric. We did, it’s just we have a translation layer there so it makes things easier for us. All our units of measurements are defined as a multiple of Grams or Liters or what have you.

Maybe you shouldn’t have a license plate for a candy bar.

Anyway, at 495 calories per 100 grams, the whole bar is 1485 calories. At 212 calories per serving it serves 7.

Seven. And that is the middle sized bar.

When I first saw that bar I thought it was insanely sized. Why? Because I know people who would attempt to eat the whole thing in one sitting.

Don’t do that. Nearly a day’s budget of calories for a tall woman in one bar of chocolate is insane. Just Don’t Do it.

Well, at least that’s the math if I can read the British Nutrition Label. They suggest a more reasonable serving size of a little more than an ounce.

While people in Britain are smaller than in some parts of the US – Buddy, you folks are catching up.

But that fruit and nut bar that I truly enjoyed massively was a shock when I saw it. Ok, “Gift Sized” was what I called it.

What about that plank of Dairy Milk in the box. On the bottom of the picture.

Come on Cadbury, you’re kidding me! 800 Grams?

Yes, I know, Portion Control. I’ve been doing portion control for so long that I can estimate calories in my head – and do.

800 Grams. 28.22 Ounces.

When I saw it I asked “What the hell is that thing, is it really chocolate?”

Yep! I am laughing at the massive bounty of chocolate that that is.

Real good chocolate too. The way a Cadbury Chocolate Bar should taste.

And yes, I will enjoy it, completely. Every last gram. But I will “Do The Math”.

For 100 grams, it is 530 calories.

For the whole bar that is an amazing 4240 Calories.

Serving size according to Cadbury is a measly 25 grams or 132 calories.

So a giant 800 gram bar serves 32?

I’m laughing at that.

No wonder why the NHS is moving to disallow hospitals to sell these on premises. I would say that the heft and size of the thing, it could be used as a weapon.

So I guess the whole supersizing thing that we went through here, they did in Britain, differently.

Good luck folks, I’m still laughing at the bar being so bloody large!

At least I have until December 2018 to finish all this stuff!

I’ll go with a roughly 200 calorie serving and enjoy each bit. By the time I finish all this stuff, this “table leveler” block of chocolate, someone else will be going back to England and coming back with a ludicrously large bar of chocolate again.

It will be appreciated.

Six Chunks at a time. I just want to watch the world burn and have a wee bit more.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/25/how-much-chocolate-is-too-much/feed/0ramblingmooseGirl are you a turtle? Because your hot as shell!https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/22/girl-are-you-a-turtle-because-your-hot-as-shell/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/22/girl-are-you-a-turtle-because-your-hot-as-shell/#respondSun, 22 Oct 2017 14:32:30 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5792A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it’s closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?” She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed.

“Where the hell have you been?!” she asks. “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” “Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”

She sees his hands are covered with powder and… “You liar!! You went bowling again!!”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/22/girl-are-you-a-turtle-because-your-hot-as-shell/feed/0ramblingmooseA Story Of Two Jokes In Onehttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/21/a-story-of-two-jokes-in-one/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/21/a-story-of-two-jokes-in-one/#respondSat, 21 Oct 2017 13:57:38 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5789I had a couple short jokes so I’ll just throw them together.

Three construction workers are sitting around a site in break after a couple days’ rain. To pass the time they each bet they can throw a brick the highest. They decide whoever gets their brick to sink the farthest into a deep mud puddle will win. So the first guy rears back, throws his brick, and it sinks 6 inches into the mud. The second guy takes aim, throws his brick up, and it sinks a full foot into the mud. Then the third guy takes his shot, throws his brick up… and it doesn’t come down.

The second joke is thus: A woman decides she wants to visit her mother in the hospital after a recent surgery. She decides she will take her pet parrot too, since her mother loves seeing him. Unfortunately, her mother lives several states away and the only viable travel option is on a no pets, no smoking flight the next day (this is, of course, before no smoking on any flight). So she decides she will smuggle her parrot in under a jacket.

So the next day, the woman packs her bag, dons a jacket and takes her parrot to the airport. Once there, she gives the parrot a treat and hides him in her jacket. Once the plane takes off, the captain comes out into the cabin to speak with the passengers. In his mouth is the biggest cigar anyone in this flight has ever seen. As he reaches the woman, he asks her how she is enjoying the flight. “Just fine,” she responds. “Well great, we should be there in time, so please enjoy the flight.”

As he is just about to walk away, the pilot hears Arw, Polly want a cracker. “What was that?” the pilot asks. “Oh, nothing!” ARW, POLLY WANT A CRACKER! “You have a parrot!” The pilot exclaims. “Well you have a cigar!” The woman responds, equally enraged.

The captain reaches over, opens the woman’s jacket, and pulls out the parrot. “You’re not allowed to have a parrot on this plane,” the pilot says. The woman snatches the cigar out of the pilot’s mouth and retorts, “Well you’re not allowed to have a cigar on this plane!”

At this point, the pilot has had enough, so he opens a window and throws the parrot out the window. Furious, the woman throws the pilot’s cigar out the window before he has a chance to close it. As the pilot storms back to the cockpit, the lady sits down fuming over the loss of her beloved pet parrot.

After the pilot has had a chance to calm down, and has put the entire event from his mind, he hears a tapping, tap tap tap, at his window. He looks over and what should he see but the parrot. And it has something in its beak.

Now you might think the parrot grabbed the pilot’s cigar, but no. In its beak is…

I don’t actually get into the Jeep often. 15 year old car with only 46,000 miles on it. So when I do go for a drive, there has to be a reason, and I almost always really enjoy it. It’s a fun vehicle to drive, and I’ll get there. You may not, but I will.

The occasion was that I got to visit one of my favorite people, my godmother Kathie. She’s a prime example of love makes a family. The godparent tradition came from our childhood, and we both have found different spiritual paths. But we stayed in touch via her moves to Florida, my much later move, and many years.

Plus she’s great company.

I got a message in my email asking if I wanted to come up and enjoy a lunch in the restaurant. Sure! Great! When?

When became a rainy trip up. We’ve had a lot of random smallish rain storms. Fun. I’ve got the right car for it. 30 inch rubber donuts, no lifts, it’s a Jeep not a Mudder. My theory is that 10 mpg is no fun, and while the car is rated 15, I drive gently and get 18 city, 22 Highway.

Not a Prius. But I don’t fit in a Prius.

After watching people do stupid things on the back roads, and one clown spin out, I got there.

We chatted, I added her printer to her Mac, and we went out to look at the Preserve. Hurricane Irma took out a few trees, including a Honeybell Orange that I will miss. But she did point out the Ginger plant. We’ve got one too that I just planted, so I was interested to see it in bloom.

You know that motto, Always Bring A Camera?

She lifted a fallen leaf to show me the blooms and right there, sitting on the flower was this wee little Frog.

So there it is. We still don’t know if that is an Ornamental or Culinary Ginger, but it is a pretty thing. The flowers merely smell Floral instead of smelling like a Gingerbread. That may be what I will get out back by the shed.

The ginger, not the frogs. Frogs are welcome too.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/17/ginger-blossom-and-frog/feed/0ramblingmooseI saw an elephant crossing the road. I named him a Chickenhttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/15/i-saw-an-elephant-crossing-the-road-i-named-him-a-chicken/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/15/i-saw-an-elephant-crossing-the-road-i-named-him-a-chicken/#respondSun, 15 Oct 2017 14:07:47 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5783Joanne Worley would appreciate that … “WAS THAT A CHICKEN JOKE?”
The woman never said anything quietly!

As for this joke… I can tell it, I’m part Irish.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”

“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow b) Thrush c) Magpie d) Cuckoo

“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick, ”So I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin…”

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

“Mick!” cried Paddy, “Dat’s simple it’s a cuckoo.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.

“Dat it is.”

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won one million euros!”

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

“Because he lives in a clock!”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/15/i-saw-an-elephant-crossing-the-road-i-named-him-a-chicken/feed/0ramblingmooseThey say you can hear your blood pump … if you listen varicosely.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/14/they-say-you-can-hear-your-blood-pump-if-you-listen-varicosely/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/14/they-say-you-can-hear-your-blood-pump-if-you-listen-varicosely/#respondSat, 14 Oct 2017 13:59:36 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5781I was walking down the street when I came across a particularly dirty looking homeless man

I took out my wallet, extracted $10, and asked “if I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said.. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

Peanut Brittle. It’s basically a butter toffee that peanuts or some other nut is poured into and allowed to cool. The nuts are cooked and come out slightly softer.

I usually make this with Pecans since we can get them cheap, and they have a stronger flavor.

Most recipes have a couple of steps. This one only has two.

This recipe does not use baking soda for leavening. When you add the ROOM TEMPERATURE butter to the candy, it will almost instantly boil creating bubbles that will add volume and make it easier to eat.

If you prefer a thinner candy, wait a few seconds, and the bubbles will die down.

This also works if you switch the nuts out for about an ounce (28 Grams) of lightly chopped roasted coffee beans. If you use Espresso Grind coffee, you end up with a smoother texture.

I will say that the taste with Espresso is very reminiscent of a specific Japanese candy that I can very rarely find. They look like a toffee but are very dark brown and taste like a sweet coffee or a Cuban coffee. Hard to find here in South Florida, so when I discovered this, it was a special treat.

It’s all up to you.

As for calories? It’s candy for crying out loud:

1 Cup Sugar = 774 Calories

4 ounces unsalted roasted peanuts = 426 Calories

1 ounce Butter = 200 Calories

Total = 1400 calories.

Yes, that is the full recipe calorie count. If you sit down and eat the entire recipe you should reconsider your diet choices. I’d say about 1 1/2 ounce is a good (approximately) 200 calorie serving size. Leaving it out on the counter like I do is a mistake since it means I’m grazing on the stuff all day.

On the other hand since there is no baking soda in it… well you don’t have that gassy problem do you?

This also makes a “reasonable” amount to make in a wet climate. There isn’t so much that you will have to worry about it getting sticky from the humidity or it simply lingering because you got bored.

It threw together in about 10 minutes – so it’s a dangerous recipe, if you enjoy the stuff!

Continue to boil the sugar water until it reaches a proper tan/caramel/toffee color.

Add the butter and nuts at the same time and remove from heat while stirring.

The mixture will foam as the water in the butter boils off.

Pour onto a cookie sheet lined with Parchment Paper or Aluminum Foil.

Allow to cool to room temperature and break into bite sized bits.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/11/peanut-brittle-recipe-one-of-the-easiest-i-have-found/feed/0ramblingmooseWhat do you call a book club that’s been stuck on the same book for centuries? Churchhttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/08/what-do-you-call-a-book-club-thats-been-stuck-on-the-same-book-for-centuries-church/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/08/what-do-you-call-a-book-club-thats-been-stuck-on-the-same-book-for-centuries-church/#respondSun, 08 Oct 2017 14:00:57 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5773This one got me laughing so loudly that I woke the dog. Enjoy!

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “I really don’t think you should.”

“Why not? ” the nun asked.

“Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. ”

“Nonsense,” said the nun, “I’ll just look the other way.”

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink?”

“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister?”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/08/what-do-you-call-a-book-club-thats-been-stuck-on-the-same-book-for-centuries-church/feed/0ramblingmooseDid you know that the British have a special piece of clothing for their favorite meal of the day? It’s called a Tea Shirt.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/07/did-you-know-that-the-british-have-a-special-piece-of-clothing-for-their-favorite-meal-of-the-day-its-called-a-tea-shirt/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/07/did-you-know-that-the-british-have-a-special-piece-of-clothing-for-their-favorite-meal-of-the-day-its-called-a-tea-shirt/#commentsSat, 07 Oct 2017 17:29:03 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5771I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital

I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife.

Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn’t want to miss that part of the soap opera.

Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing.

She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. “Hello”, she said.
“Since you’re in the kitchen, could you bring me a beer?”, I asked on the phone.

I don’t know if it was my golf club or my son’s baseball bat, but everything after that is a blank on my mind.

Not so wordy, and again, that’s this machine. LAMP is a web server, and if you’re coming here to find out how to install WordPress, you already knew that.

Now I am getting ready to install WordPress. I’m doing it as I am writing, so assuming I have the right information to guide me, I’ll have success. I am using this guide to help me. Also if I haven’t made a thorough hash of installing LAMP, it should “Just Work”.

WordPress is a pretty easy install, I’ve done it before on a Cloud Server, and I’ve done it before on a machine here, and a couple of random places in the past.

My install here expects a few basic things.

You followed my guides to build the server and it is running.

You have physical access to the server to simplify the process.

Commands will be run from the terminal as root.

Creating the database for WordPress:

A) Log In as Root to Mysql or MariaDB

mysql -u root -p

B) Create a regular user for WordPress – replace userpassword with a much better password!

At this point, you launch into an install to create the basics for your WordPress website.

A) Information Needed:

Site Title – This is the name of the site you wish to create.

Username

Password

Confirm use of weak password if this box appears.

Your Email

Search Engine Visibility (Click the check box if you do not want to show in searches)

Click (Install WordPress) button

B) The Success page will show you your WordPress username and indicate your chosen password for you to proceed.

Click Log In

Now you can do a happy dance. You’re done. Go create a site.

WordPress will put a red button up for each thing that it needs to have updated.

At this point you may be creative and make a site. You may want to explore templates, but a basic site can be slapped together quickly.

The results are that if you are on that machine, and surf http://localhost you will get a basic page with the information that you put in.

On the other hand, this is not perfect. I surfed it from my phone and another computer here, and I got all the text but not the template. So you will probably have some configuration to do.

But… This is good enough to get started.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/04/debian-linux-stretch-installing-wordpress/feed/0ramblingmooseWhat do you think will happen in 3 years time? I don’t know, I don’t have 2020 vision.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/01/what-do-you-think-will-happen-in-3-years-time-i-dont-know-i-dont-have-2020-vision/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/01/what-do-you-think-will-happen-in-3-years-time-i-dont-know-i-dont-have-2020-vision/#respondMon, 02 Oct 2017 02:28:45 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5766Looking for their wives

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”
The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter – let’s look for yours.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/10/01/what-do-you-think-will-happen-in-3-years-time-i-dont-know-i-dont-have-2020-vision/feed/0ramblingmooseWhy don’t cows skip leg day? To keep their calves in shape!https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/30/why-dont-cows-skip-leg-day-to-keep-their-calves-in-shape/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/30/why-dont-cows-skip-leg-day-to-keep-their-calves-in-shape/#respondSat, 30 Sep 2017 13:25:53 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5764A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning.
After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him.

He looked up at his dad and asked “How do fish breath under water?”
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, “I really don’t know, son.”

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, “How does our boat float on the water?”
Once again his dad replied, “Don’t know, son.”

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, his dad replied. “Don’t know, son.”

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time “Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?”
“Of course not son.” replied his dad, “How else are you ever going to learn anything?”

It’s an operating system. You have probably been using Windows since you were a wee brat. That is bound to be years and years of training. I’ve been using Linux since the mid 1990s, probably earlier.

Oh and I am still learning. I like to learn so that’s why I keep coming back.

One very important point – It’s all about how good you are at finding the Correct Instructions.

I spent three hours going through some instructions that were from the Debian Wiki until I hit a road block. That led me to realize that the Debian Wiki has an incomplete article on how to install the LAMP Stack on an older version of the operating system. Even if I had read it through top to bottom first, I would not have found that out until I actually started using it.

LAMP is what you are installing.

L is Linux. If you got here, you have it or are researching it. Debian, or a derivative like Ubuntu.

A Is Apache. That is the actual web server. You can write basic web pages if you have this installed.

M is MySQL or MariaDB. It’s the database so you can write data driven pages.

P is PHP or it could be Python or Perl. That’s your scripting language.

“Yeah, I know, me too.” That was basic stuff for people just learning.

This is a recipe so I can come back later when I get interested in trying this on another machine.

Importantly, there is a design strategy called “Don’t Break Debian”. Don’t install anything outside of Debian’s Repositories or you may end up with a broken install. While that is a bit impractical in many cases, and I have gone “outside” Debian, things do sometimes not work or they work strangely.

If you find an install somewhere that says add a repository, then your caution flags should go up.

On the other hand, it also implies that you should use Debian’s information first before you go outside to another site. Since I am writing this, it shows that I don’t agree. Their info was flawed.

Here are the instructions, as brief as possible:

All commands are done from Terminal as Root.

Prep – Get the Computer up to date.:

apt update

apt upgrade

apt dist-upgrade

MariaDB:

apt install mariadb-client mariadb-server

mysql -u root -p (add a root password)

CREATE DATABASE newdb;

CREATE USER ‘user’@’localhost’ IDENTIFIED BY ‘password’;

GRANT ALL PRIVILEGES ON newdb.* to ‘bill’@’localhost’;

FLUSH PRIVILEGES;

quit

PHP:

apt install php7.0 php7.0-mysql

Apache2:

apt install apache2 apache2-mod-php7.0

Testing the Server

mousepad /var/www/html/index.php

enter this on the first line, save, and quit: &lt;? php phpinfo( ) ?&gt;

firefox localhost/index.php

Result is you will see information about your system in Firefox, or chrome if you must.

PHPMYADMIN:

apt install phpmyadmin

Answer following questions by hitting space and then tab to OK and enter:

Web Server: Apache2

PHPCOMMON: Yes

MySQL Application Password – same as you created earlier

Test with the following to get to the PHPMyAdmin login page:

firefox localhost/phpmyadmin

That’s it. You’re done. Took me less time than installing the operating system which was under a half hour. Granted I’m on a fast computer and reasonable internet speeds.

There is one more thing to consider. I am not worried about anyone hacking my server because this is not exposed to the internet. If you are going to proceed with this server serving pages to the world, you will most certainly need to get the security brought up to date. I don’t believe that this server even has a firewall active at this point.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/27/debian-linux-stretch-installing-the-lamp-stack/feed/0ramblingmoosePee in the pool and nobody bats an eye. Do it from the diving board and everyone loses their mindshttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/24/pee-in-the-pool-and-nobody-bats-an-eye-do-it-from-the-diving-board-and-everyone-loses-their-minds/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/24/pee-in-the-pool-and-nobody-bats-an-eye-do-it-from-the-diving-board-and-everyone-loses-their-minds/#respondSun, 24 Sep 2017 13:11:27 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5756Ok, so it’s a wee joke with a wee bit of humor!

An old couple celebrate their 50th anniversary at a restaurant that they used to regularly go on dates to.

It was a particularly fancy establishment and a few drinks into their visit, the elderly husband stood from his seat, looks around and asks his wife, “Do you think we should go behind this place and relive our first time here, like against the fences?”

With a smile and a nod, the wife agrees and they venture outside and into the alley around the restaurant.

Not long afterward, a bike patrol cop rolls past the alleyway and hears the most intense love-making session known to man, the couples’ shouts echoing into the street.

He flashed his headlights onto the couple just after they had finished and with a puzzled look, he asked “What are you two doing? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a couple go at it with such passion and intensity in all my years.”

The old man, pulling his pants up and buckling his belt, replied, “Yeah, well fifty years ago this place didn’t have electrified fences here.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/24/pee-in-the-pool-and-nobody-bats-an-eye-do-it-from-the-diving-board-and-everyone-loses-their-minds/feed/0ramblingmooseThe Thermos is the most intelligent thing in the world. It knows how to keep hot things hot and cold things cold.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/23/the-thermos-is-the-most-intelligent-thing-in-the-world-it-knows-how-to-keep-hot-things-hot-and-cold-things-cold/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/23/the-thermos-is-the-most-intelligent-thing-in-the-world-it-knows-how-to-keep-hot-things-hot-and-cold-things-cold/#respondSat, 23 Sep 2017 12:59:47 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5754The thermos.

A guy (MAN A) walks into a diner, sits down, and pulls a thermos from his backpack. Across the room, a man at the counter, (MAN B) noticed the man.

MAN B: “Hey you! What you got there?”
MAN A: “It’s called a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot, and cold stuff cold!”
MAN B: “Wow! I gotta get me one of those!!!”

The next day, the same to men, (A and B) walk into the same diner.
MAN B: “Hey look! I picked me up one of those thermos things!”
MAN A: “Great! What did you bring for lunch?”
MAN B: “2 hotdogs and a popsicle for dessert!”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/23/the-thermos-is-the-most-intelligent-thing-in-the-world-it-knows-how-to-keep-hot-things-hot-and-cold-things-cold/feed/0ramblingmooseIs Anyone Writing Documentation Anymore?https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/20/is-anyone-writing-documentation-anymore/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/20/is-anyone-writing-documentation-anymore/#respondWed, 20 Sep 2017 15:09:22 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5752So the last exercise I had done before Hurricane Irma hit was to take a computer and completely install a new operating system onto it.

I will be doing that again today, from my own instructions.

Sure, it’s a bit esoteric, some people are good at reading between the lines.

The problem with that is that you end up spinning your wheels and finding that something you assumed, you assumed wrong.

For the record, when I write documentation, I write it as I do it. That way I know it actually works.

It may have taken 26 steps once you had all the pieces, but if you had my hardware and the right software, you’d have a nice happy laptop running Debian. Thinkpad Laptop, X201 or fairly similar, although the version of Debian I used (Non-Free) was fairly liberal with getting what you need for many more laptops. Evil Wifi Drivers not withstanding.

The next step was to find documentation to install a web server.

The trick with installing complex software these days is that you basically have to find the right documentation. Or to be more precise, the correct documentation. Documentation that is complete and actually will work.

Oh and of course you personally have to read and understand what you are reading. No distractions allowed.

However, it is rare that you will find exactly the right documentation to do what you want. Often software is updated and that documentation you used two years ago to do that exact thing no longer works.

Highly common in the open source world, some very minor tweak will change where the files are and you are back online doing a search for what you were looking for.

In the consumer software world, you have a similar situation where the documentation was only partially updated since it was originally released. Think Windows XP vs Windows 8.1 vs Window 10. Things just moved around drastically within Windows itself let alone functionality.

I got “caught short” with trying to install a web server. Did it before. No problem. Since it is an open source project, you get what you pay for sometimes. Following the wrong guide I got the entire web server working. I just don’t have any passwords for anything.

As they say on a football field: Drop Back 5 and Kick.

That would be American Football. I never played Soccer, at least not for any length of time. All that running around annoyed me.

So at some point I’ll re-attempt that mess. FInd another tutorial that promises to install the LAMP stack and write down what I did.

Or I will find that one bug and fix it all. My choice, after all.

That is why I keep this blog. Many times I need to do something more than once. Create a Linux Web Server, save it off, then reproduce the results on a different computer a year later.

So when I post a long diatribe on how to do this and the other thing, I’m doing it for Future Me. So I don’t end up banging my head on a wall.

Like Today. I got it wrong. Happens. Time to start over.

For now, I’ll just go look for the football. Maybe the dog will chase it around the yard. Blow off some steam. Finish my Spanish for the day.

Try, Try again.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/20/is-anyone-writing-documentation-anymore/feed/0ramblingmooseAs I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/17/as-i-suspected-someone-has-been-adding-soil-to-my-garden-the-plot-thickens/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/17/as-i-suspected-someone-has-been-adding-soil-to-my-garden-the-plot-thickens/#respondSun, 17 Sep 2017 15:12:05 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5749Three men were driving through a desert while on vacation when all of a sudden the car breaks down.
The three men get out to see what the problem is only to find out the engine block cracked so they agree that they have to go find help and to meet back at the car by nightfall.

They all go to the trunk of the car to see if they have any provisions for their walk and find a jug of water and a loaf of bread.

The first man quickly grabs the jug of water explaining to the other two that if he gets hot he’ll just drink some water and keep walking until he finds help and starts to go on his way.

The second man grabs the bread and explains to his friend that if he gets hungry on his journey that he’ll just eat some bread and keep walking until he finds help and leaves going a different direction.

The third man is left alone and realizes he has nothing to help him survive the desert so he unbolts the car door and starts walking into the desert in a different direction from the first two.

A hour or so later a desert soldier who was on patrol noticed the first man and asked him if he was ok.

The first man explained his situation and assured the soldier that he was ok because if he got hot he could just drink his water.
The soldier pointed in a direction and told him to head to his headquarters for help while he searched for the mans friends and headed out again.

A couple of hours later he found the second man still searching for help.
The soldier asked him if he was ok and the second man told him he was because he had his bread to eat whenever he got hungry.
The soldier explained that he found the first man and to start heading toward the car as help would soon arrive and headed out again to try and find the third man.

The soldier found the third man in no time but was confused as to why he was carrying the car door.

When the soldier asked the man why he casually explained that it gets really hot in the desert and if he gets too hot he can just roll down the window to cool off.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/17/as-i-suspected-someone-has-been-adding-soil-to-my-garden-the-plot-thickens/feed/0ramblingmooseGirl are you a newspaper? Cause you’ve got a new issue everyday.https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/16/girl-are-you-a-newspaper-cause-youve-got-a-new-issue-everyday/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/16/girl-are-you-a-newspaper-cause-youve-got-a-new-issue-everyday/#respondSat, 16 Sep 2017 15:00:52 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5747Since the storm has passed and people are running around cleaning up, how about a little toilet humor.

Just a little. Suitable for all audiences, of course.

Bobby has to use the restroom.

Realizing that he has to, very badly, he raises his hand.

“Teacher, can I use the restroom?”

His teacher looked up from her desk, where she was going through the lesson plans for the day. “If you can say the alphabet correctly, then you may.” she replied.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/16/girl-are-you-a-newspaper-cause-youve-got-a-new-issue-everyday/feed/0ramblingmooseHurricane Irma, The Wait For Powerhttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/13/hurricane-irma-the-wait-for-power/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/13/hurricane-irma-the-wait-for-power/#respondWed, 13 Sep 2017 13:37:01 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5742Really. If I can sit here on a Wednesday Morning and bust out some blather about the electricity being out and that’s about it, then I will survive.

The one story that keeps coming through my mind is a woman on Barbuda in the Caribbean. She was one of 1600 people there. She was watching a baby and a tornado hit her home. The baby was sucked out of her arms. Baby found dead later when the storm passed.

Really. So, count your blessings. If you are reading me, you are better off.

We are without power. The gasoline supplies are very low, we’re waiting on the coast guard to allow tankers into Port Everglades to refill. I guess we join a long line to fill gas cans like many others.

But we’re intact here.

I caught news that the west side of the state, Naples, Fort Myers, and the like got slammed by this horrible storm. Here, not so much. We didn’t have a predicted 9 feet of water in a storm surge come in. We did have white-out conditions with rain so strong that I couldn’t see the wall of a building 250 feet away briefly.

The eye of the storm crossed Cudjoe Key. Call it MM 52 – 52 miles East of Key West. As well as they prepared, anything not nailed down is now not in the house. Those folks will need help getting onto their feet.

So I’ll return to putting the plants back out and scooping my neighbor’s tree leaves out of the pool. Not unscathed, just a bit muddy. Not really even worth taking pictures of it.

A cycle of running the generator an hour, then waiting three hours to run again. It keeps the bags of ice in the freezer frozen and the refrigerator cool.

Much better off than many.

Yes. This is global warming. Anyone that tells you otherwise is a fool and should be returned to their medications. Anyone who makes laws or votes to the contrary is a damn fool and probably should not be allowed to effect other’s lives.

But after all is said and done. A few observations.

Gasoline. I suspect the state has been pretty much drained of this stuff. We’re ok for four days now, after having gotten some. I’m sure many won’t be as lucky. Some of the lines were blocks long. Police were thankfully directing people around.

And Gasoline is beginning to flow in which is a major plus. It will take a while before we start to see supplies even out in South Florida. There was a report that in Tampa, simply forget it. Again, Thankful but that could be “helped”.

Traffic. We drove down to Davie about 10 miles off. I have to say the roads work better with fewer lights. I’ve heard a saying that “Every Traffic Light Means Someone Died Here” but I have to question if streets aren’t just badly designed and enforcement of traffic laws are simply not stringent enough. If you follow the rules, you’ll have a better time of it. If you drive a car like an idiot, you’ll wreck it for everyone else.

A Traffic Light that is out is considered a Four Way Stop by the universal vehicle code. Yes, Even For you.

We did make it to Wawa in Davie. The line was untenable. Close to 100 cars waiting for fuel. Might need to get up in the middle of the night to attempt it next time.

Count your blessings. If you can read this, you’re better off than many others. Now, go talk to your neighbor. They just may need something. Mine just put out another bucket of Avocados. There are plenty left, go and enjoy.

If I could just figure out how to eat the darn things other than sliced on a bagel! I am thankful even for avocados, weird though they are!

It wasn’t until 4PM here that I saw the first rain that left enough water on the ground to sheen the streets.

The county declared a curfew from 4PM through. I’m guessing the duration. I don’t know when that is.

The only thing that has bothered me is a few power pops here and there. When power does go out, we’re sunk. I can’t say that they’ll be by to reconnect us at that point, because there is some wind speed that they stop work at.

I seem to remember 35mph. We are over that now. 44 was the last check, although it’s been gusting faster.

Then you’re on your own, cowboy.

Net’s up. Power’s up. Water’s flowing.

This isn’t a whole lot to deal with compared with Antigua, Puerto Rico, the DR, Haiti, and Cuba.

Now the Florida Keys.

It could be worse, I could be in the Keys. The Eye of the Storm right now is crossing into the lower keys, and they’re still predicting that trip through Key West and up the west coast of Florida. My heart goes out to them since I can’t say I would want up to 9 feet of salt water piling up on my house. That’s going as high as 270 CM.

This map is of the expected storm surge. Those pink areas are where the 9 feet of salt water comment comes from. Naples, Marco Island, north up the coast.

Why laptop batteries? Each one is a larger and longer cell configuration so they will not fit inside of a standard radio or flashlight. They also put out more voltage at 3.7 VDC compared with 1.5 VDC for a D, C, or AA Cell.

But.

Each one puts out between 2 and 4 amps. Connect four together and you get 14.4 VDC. Run them through a voltage regulator like that cigar lighter thing to charge your phone in the car and you now can recharge your phone a couple times.

So those 18650 batteries will charge my flashlights for months. Battery operated fans for weeks. Radios will play.

The air conditioning may not work due to power outage, but I will be able to listen to crappy music.

If you want radar? Follow this link. Remember that the highest point in the Keys is on Key West at 18 feet. The map showing those islands should be considered a suggestion since most of them will be overwashed by storm surge.

That “9 feet” again.

But so far, for me, I’m lucky. Not even anything worth taking a picture of here in Wilton Manors, and I thank my lucky stars for that.

At one point the path for this beast had landfall in Key West – 200 miles away.

At one point the path for this beast was literally 3 blocks away from me here in Wilton Manors, Suburban Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

Then it moved into the ocean between us and the Bahamas.

Then back to us.

Then to where it is, now, Friday evening.

By my reconing, it would be coming ashore about mile marker 30, the Seven Mile Bridge in the Keys, just West of Marathon, FL.

A second landfall would be east of Marco Island, and then North up the state.

Enough Naval Gazing.

A power outage here can happen because a butterfly farted on a power line.

I have become convinced that the infrastructure here is made from old abandoned barbed wire that was sourced from fence posts on a farm in the Southwestern US.

You know those pictures of rusted barbed wire stapled to a weathered piece of drift wood?

Thanks, FPL, power goes out on a Thursday here.

So I spent the day debating and went on a cooking binge.

Made up 20 hamburgers for the dog because it would free a space for another bag of ice in the freezer. It’s now about 2/3 ice in a freezer that is about as tall as I am.

I’m a big guy. Tall, built like a gym teacher.

Then I started looking at the fridge.

Found Cream. Specifically Whipping Cream.

Made 2 and a half batches of:

Cream Biscuits.

2 cups Self Rising Flour.

1 1/4 cups of Whipping or Heavy Cream.

1 tablespoon of table sugar.

Mix, then knead until it becomes semi sticky. Like modeling clay.

Divide into 10, and bake at 450F for 11 minutes or until golden brown.

Sorry for only Imperial Units, I actually weighed everything to the gram and annotated the weights in my recipe book, but it’s late and …

Hey if anyone wants my metric measurements, Ask!

See, the point is that cooked food has a longer shelf life when the power goes out than “raw”.

The other point is that you really do have to analyze your every move in a hurricane for preparation.

So this weekend no jokes.

If I get to have power tomorrow morning, Saturday, I will go through the normal morining rituals which includes putting up jokes for Sunday. Then I’ll write something for the next couple articles. Nothing fancy.

If no connection to the internet because power is down, well folks, think well of me and I’ll get back to you when everything comes back.

When Hurricane Wilma hit here in 2005, my own block was without power for 2 weeks.

If Hurricane Irma goes on that path that will do so much damage to South West Florida, the storm will not be quite as strong as Wilma was. We here will be safe.

I’ll be back then.

Stay safe, no matter where you are reading this from in the world.

Help your neighbor if they need it. Mine did.

Save your prayers, get off your collective butts and do something that positively changes the world. Vote for people who will actually DO something to reduce carbon emissions and stop Climate Change or Global Warming. Millions of people doing small acts of improvement will move the world the right way, away from having two 500 Year Storms in one month.

This process took me all of 20 minutes. It will take you longer to read this blog article.

I have made this into a “recipe” format where you can follow things step by step since I wrote this as I was doing it.

It is wordy, but complete – and it worked for me, step by step.

I need a new server. I had an old netbook that I used for a couple years to move files around. It’s too slow for me now, I will eventually be updating this new install to include a file server and a web server.

The blog sits on Blogger and WordPress. Two places. I need to make the WordPress side look “better”. I have a client that I had developed a website for and I am not happy with the way it looks. So I want a playground to see how tough it will be to get it where I think it needs to be.

So why not build a server. You can skip to the break if you want Just The Steps.

The background is that I use Debian Linux here for almost everything I do. I have a Windows computer that I almost never use. Microsoft has turned Windows into an unpleasant operating system where you are sending data back at every turn of what you are doing. Who ever made the decision to grant themselves that should be fired, mocked, pilloried, set in the stocks, and …

Never mind, there’s Debian. It’s stable, it is predictable, and because it isn’t spying on you, it runs faster and is much more secure.

Oh and it’s free.

And there is so much information about how to use it that it is insane!

And it’s secure.

And it lets me do everything I want.

And it has a long list of software that has everything I need.

And I can use it for web development, audio and video authoring, file servers, surfing, document processing, …

The philosophy is to give you (the user) what you need to get your things done, be stable, and stay out of the way. It is a bit “spare” or “lightweight”. The base operating system is familiar but a bit retro or stodgy looking. It is also intensely configurable.

I mean INTENSELY. You can change just about anything which is good because I am tailoring this for a moderate speed boost by using a display manager called XFCE. My choice, you can choose anything else you want. KDE, Gnome, XFCE, Mate, or Cinnamon. Others are available and you can end up with something looking like a Mac, Windows 2000, or even just a blank command prompt for slower computers.

Some background info to be aware of:

Debian is a distribution of Linux that does its best to be as open and secure as possible. The theory is that if you can modify the actual source code, it will be secure because thousands of eyes will be reviewing the program. That also means that Debian does not include software that is not “open” and is Proprietary and “Non-Free”. Wifi drivers are the worst offenders, and it is notorious that a Thinkpad will demand a Wifi driver.

The suggestion is that when you move to start the install process, you do so with the computer plugged in, and plugged into an ethernet connection so that it can find whatever drivers it needs.

If the install errors or “fails” it will put up a large notification saying it needs the driver. That error message will tell you what driver you need, and you can do a search online to find it. The drivers are always there, I have found, with mainstream hardware. It means that I have to find the proper package and put it on a second memory stick or chip and let the install program find it. Since all my computers are Thinkpad laptops, I have the drivers I need on an SDHC chip and an install just grabs it from there.

tl;dr – know your hardware and get the drivers before you start. Look at Non-Free ISOs first.

Enough blather. Just the steps.

1) Get the Live DVD Image. It will allow you to burn the “ISO” to a DVD and boot from it directly or you can use a program to “burn” it to a USB stick and you can boot from that.

unetbootin – will write the ISO you just downloaded to a memory stick. Make sure your stick is 2GB or larger. Follow the specific instructions for your operating system for the program.

DD – for Linux and Mac, you can dd the ISO to the USB stick. If that usb is on /dev/sdb and the ISO is renamed to debian.iso :

dd if=debian.iso of=/dev/sdb conv=noerror,sync

Once that is done, safely detatch your stick, or dismount your DVD and begin.

3) Boot from your media:

You will probably have to hit a key, typically F2 or F12 or Esc to get into the bios to tell the computer to boot from the external media. I typically set my medias to prefer to boot from the stick or DVD drive so this happens automatically. Since everybody has different computers, I’ll tell you to look for a way to set that up, a way to boot from media, or just say go for it.

4) Optional – Test your computer:

A Live DVD or USB Stick is a cool invention. You basically are booting from the media and are able to run from it. You have full control, if you know how to do anything in Linux, so you should be able to connect to the network, test your hardware, and even surf to a music site. While that all sounds like it’s optional, it also makes sure that Linux understands your hardware. That is not completely optional, but I’ll leave that to you.

5) Graphical Debian Installer:

You tested the machine, or not and are committed to install. Select this from the original Main Menu

6) Steps to Install: Steps A to Z will get you where you want to be!

Hit enter on the Graphical Debian Installer prompt. It will present you with the following questions:

A) Select a Language – English is the default. Change it to your preferred language

B) Select your Location – United States is the Default. Change to your preferred area or “other” wherever that is.

C) Keyboard map to use: Based on your language, American English is the default.

D) Detect and Mount CD Rom: I don’t have one

E) Load installer components from CD: Well, I have a stick but it works just the same

G) Configure the Network: Select your router if on Wireless, Select protocol (WPA) and give it your wireless passphrase. It will connect to the internet and configure the network so it can grab software as needed.

H) Host Name. Name the computer something meaningful like “server” or “debian”. I always choose a moose related name like moose or rudolph, it doesn’t have to be anything serious.

I) Domain Name: For a home network, this is not needed, leave it blank.

J) Set Up Users and Passwords: Since they changed the way they use Root on debian with this version, leave the root password blank. You can add the password later once you are up and running from a command prompt.

K) User account: This will be your main user name. Typically your own name, however debian will accept anything. This will also be the only user that will be able to gain Root access because we purposely skipped the last step. For this install I will be using bill.

L) User Name: This will be who this person logs in at the login prompt. Again, you can use anything. I always have matched it up with the User Account name, so I will use bill again.

M) User Password: The password you use here will be your user password plus your Root password. Choose wisely, grasshopper, and do not forget.

N) Configure the Clock: Time Zone (Eastern for me)

O) Partition Disks: You can select “Guided – Use Entire Disk” and not have to calculate anything. It is a little lazy, and there are other ways to configure it, however this is a basic tutorial and it saves me having to do some math.

P) Partition Disks – Select disk to partition: You will be presented with a list of drives that are connected to the computer at this moment. This will include the existing internal hard drive, your USB stick, and any other chips or disks that are connected. My main hard drive came up called SCSI1.

Q) Partition Disks – Partitioning Scheme: It used to be that every separate tree had to have its own partition. Then they realized “Math is hard, Barbie” and allowed you to select “All files in one partition”. I do that.

R) Finish partitioning and write changes to disk: Like the man says, this will configure the disk via a program behind the scenes and make the changes needed to install to the hard drive.

S) Write the changes to disks: Select Yes to make the changes live. It will format your hard drive now to the partition scheme you selected before.

Following all that, it will install the system. Get yourself a drink, it only takes me no more than 20 minutes, on a bad day. Your mileage may vary.

V) Configure the package manager – Debian archive mirror: Select a mirror that “looks” like it is close to where you are. You can change it within the operating system later.

W) Configure the package manager – Proxy information: if you do not use one, leave blank. I don’t so if you do, you’ll have to figure it out at this point.

X) Install the GRUB Boot loader on a hard disk: Select yes. It will allow you to boot from your hard drive.

Y) Install the GRUB boot loader on a hard disk: Select the disk that you will be using to boot from, and that you installed to. Typically this will be called /dev/sda and be the first disk on the list.

Z) Finish the installation: You are done. Remove your USB Stick or your DVD and hit enter. The next thing you see will be the Debian boot sequence

This trip through the alphabet is brought to you by the number 6 and the letters debian. Happy computing. You now have a happily installed computer.

Relax! And watch the boot process. Or sip your drink.

When you finally get to the operating system, on XFCE Select “Use Default Configuration” for your desktop. If you don’t then you have to hand configure everything instead of using the Default as a starting place.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/06/debian-linux-stretch-installing-the-operating-system/feed/2ramblingmooseI would tell a joke about chemistry but I’m afraid I won’t get a reactionhttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/03/i-would-tell-a-joke-about-chemistry-but-im-afraid-i-wont-get-a-reaction/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/03/i-would-tell-a-joke-about-chemistry-but-im-afraid-i-wont-get-a-reaction/#respondMon, 04 Sep 2017 02:00:20 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5727Two men were going around the park.

One of them dug holes into the ground, then the other would fill them in, they did this for hours, went to a break for lunch, then, as they were about to get back at it, a boy walked up to them and asked why they were doing this.
One of them told the boy “We’re planting trees.”
“But you don’t actually plant trees in the holes” the boy said.

“Oh, that’s true! I dig holes, Steve plants a tree, and Bill fills them in.” said one of them.
The other then replied “Yeah, but Steve called in sick today.”

—

3 man are standing in a bar and are drinking beer. The more they drink the stronger their stories.
“1 day i walked into the forest and saw a bear right in front of me! I took my gun, aimed, shot and thank god he died.”
Pffff that’s nothing laughs man number 2. “I once walked into that same forest and saw two bears. And i only had 1 bullet. I aimed, shot and i killed both of them.”

Its quit for a while and man number 3 starts talking. “That’s nothing. One day i walked into that forest and saw 1 bear. And i also had only 1 bullet left. I aimed, shot and missed. So i run away but in front of me is a second bear. I’m so pumped with adrenaline i grab both of them at their heads and smack them against each other. They both drop dead.

The other two man look at him and say. How is that possible you have only one arm? “A” the 3rd man says” trust me, at that moment you don’t think about those little things.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/03/i-would-tell-a-joke-about-chemistry-but-im-afraid-i-wont-get-a-reaction/feed/0ramblingmooseThree Apple engineers and three Microsoft Engineers are traveling by train to a conferencehttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/02/three-apple-engineers-and-three-microsoft-engineers-are-traveling-by-train-to-a-conference/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/02/three-apple-engineers-and-three-microsoft-engineers-are-traveling-by-train-to-a-conference/#respondSat, 02 Sep 2017 13:08:47 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5725Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft Engineers are traveling by train to a conference

At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Microsoft engineer.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the rest room door and says, “Ticket, please.”

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please…”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/09/02/three-apple-engineers-and-three-microsoft-engineers-are-traveling-by-train-to-a-conference/feed/0ramblingmooseSecurely Erasing Your Old Hard Drive Easily with Linux or a Machttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/30/securely-erasing-your-old-hard-drive-easily-with-linux-or-a-mac/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/30/securely-erasing-your-old-hard-drive-easily-with-linux-or-a-mac/#commentsWed, 30 Aug 2017 15:03:29 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5723I have been thinking of the easiest way to completely and securely erase a hard drive lately. I was given two old laptops and was asked by a dear family member to help get some personal effects off of an old laptop.

To keep this short, I was able to do that using an external hard drive case and my own machine.

Since I use Linux, I am immune to windows viruses, I can simply copy the desired data to my computer. I now have a directory of 1.1 GB of pictures, writings and other information on my desktop which I will burn to a DVD and say “Here you go, enjoy”.

Mac people and other BSD people can rejoice in that as well.

She’ll need to scan that for viruses before she looks at it in detail since she’s on windows.

Ok, that’s all done right, just toss the drive in the nearest secure shredder or sneak it into the trash or….

Not so fast.

You see, data can be forever.

A CD typically lasts 10 years.

A CD that “you” wrote may not last that long, say 5 years.

A DVD will last longer, I haven’t had one that I wrote fail yet, and some are well more than 10 years.

I still don’t trust that removable and optical stuff.

But, if I can get the computer I am looking at now to recognize the drive, the data will still be there. Useful or not.

Even those old 500 MB drives from the first days of the IDE era can be read if I have a way to convince my laptop to read it. How?

Get an external hard drive case. You need to know what kind of hard drive you have in your hands.

IDE External Cases are still available.

Serial ATA or SATA cases are available in USB 3.0 and 2.0 if you want cheap.

I paid under $5 for mine when they were on sale.

Put the drive in question in the case.

Plug the drive case into the computer.

Assuming that your computer can see the drive and the data on it, now what. You’ve got your data off and you want to securely erase the drive.

Here’s where Linux comes in to play, although a Mac will work as well.

Don’t have a Mac or Linux computer? The easy fix is to download a copy of Ubuntu and burn that to a DVD or to a memory stick and boot from that. That is all done via a program called unetbootin and it is available for any modern operating system that I can reasonably think of. Follow the instructions and you end up with a bootable USB stick. Boot from that stick. Plug the external drive in.

Now you’re looking at Linux.

(If you’re a Mac guy, you can to follow this on your Mac.)

Commands from this point forward will be in BOLD
Start Terminal.

Get root with “su” or “sudo su” and give it the system’s password.

Verify the address of the external drive. “dmesg” will give the device name at the end of the display. You can also find it in gparted (if installed). The address will be similar to /dev/sdb.

Verify it again. “Measure twice and cut once”.

In terminal enter the following command – I am assuming that the operating system thinks that the external drive is on “/dev/sdb”. You need to know which partition and this will tell you where it is:

fdisk -l /dev/sdb

(Man, I hate Helvetica – That is a lower case -l )

On the Windows drive I have in question, it gave me two partitions – sdb1 and sdb2. Windows being what it is, will almost always use sdb1 as the boot partition, and it will almost always be the largest one and the one in question with your data.

Since I have cleared out all the data that I would be worried about in an earlier step, I do not have to worry about deleting any partitions. But I do have to create a space to work with.

Within terminal, mkdir work will make an empty directory to play with.

To access the data on the external drive: mount /dev/sdb1 work

To verify you have connected to the drive, cd work

To list any data files you left in that directory, ls will show you.

To create a big file to overwrite all that empty space enter the following command.

dd if=/dev/urandom of=junkfile.txt

That dd Command will write random garbage out to the file called junkfile.txt until it runs out of space. Out of Space is a bit misleading because certain disk formats have maximum file sizes, so just run it again with a different name on the “of” portion of the command – like “junkfile1.txt” until you are satisfied.

That’s about it. Your empty space on the drive has been filled with garbage. You can delete that junkfile.txt and use the drive as a floppy if you like. Since you previously deleted things that you wanted to be securely deleted, this happened with it was overwritten with random data.

The theory goes that with the “new” and “large” disks we have inside of our computers over the last few years, simply writing garbage out would be sufficient.
The Geek version was that the old drives had enough space between tracks that the data would sometimes, but not always, be mirrored and repeated in the empty spaces. Some of the information could be “recovered” by reading that space.

You don’t have the technology to do that. Any “normal” person finding your drive would not either.

New drives over the last few years are so densely packed that that space between the tracks is too small to store extra copies of the data.

If you are super worried (paranoid) about your data, give the drive to a destructive person, and some hand tools, and let them disassemble it for the magnets. Or run over it with a truck. Or both.

But this is as far as I go with my own personal data.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/30/securely-erasing-your-old-hard-drive-easily-with-linux-or-a-mac/feed/2ramblingmooseI went to confession after a long breakhttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/27/i-went-to-confession-after-a-long-break/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/27/i-went-to-confession-after-a-long-break/#commentsSun, 27 Aug 2017 15:06:55 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5720I went to confession after a long break

I was feeling depressed, and life wasn’t going so well, when walking down the street I passed the church.

It had been many years since I went to church, and just as long since I last went to the confessional.

Perhaps, I thought, getting right with god would help fix my life.

I went into the church, and the dim light and smell of incense brought it all back.

I headed for the confession booth and went straight in.

Wow, things had changed in all those years.

There was a comfy chair, a small screen TV, the WiFi password.

Then I opened the cupboard and inside was a bottle of fine malt scotch, and some cigars!

Suddenly the door opened and the priest appeared, and he said sharply “get out! your on my side!”

Or maybe that guy is confessing because….

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

“Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/27/i-went-to-confession-after-a-long-break/feed/1ramblingmooseRetired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeohttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/26/retired-rattlesnake-roadside-romeo/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/26/retired-rattlesnake-roadside-romeo/#respondSat, 26 Aug 2017 15:03:03 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5718Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, “Hey there babe! I don’t usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to long life?”
The chicken is intrigued and asks, “Well, what is it? Tell me”

Roadside-Romeo replies, “What’d you say? Can’t hear ya”
The chicken says, “I said, what is the secret to long life?”

Of course all of that interpretation will change based on where that dog finds himself in a pack.

A dog who is confident will decide that it wants to go for a walk, so it decides it will do so. Whether it is on its leash or not.

Of course they tend to only do such a thing if they are not getting exercised enough or are deadly bored.

Don’t want your dog to wander off? Walk him. Long walks. Three miles for a dog in a day really isn’t a lot unless you have one of those fussy little things that bark at a leaf moving in the next county or an airplane over head.

That’s your burden. It still needs a walk.

Beta dogs are a puzzle. They require careful handling. After all, they are looking to you for guidance.

Constantly.

Rack is a Beta. He’s also incredibly intelligent just like any other McNab Dog. Intelligent breeds are that way. Anything-Shepard. Herding Dogs are used for their intelligence because they think. In a house, they can get bored. A Beta who is Bored is going to still find things to do and interpret what he thinks the rules are.

Luckily Rack isn’t bored often. He’s happy to lay down and sleep next to me for most of the day. My chair that I do most of what ever it is that I actually do is near a window. I see things that happen, after all it is a busy street.

The other day I saw something go on. Rack was asleep. But being a herding dog, it was almost like there was someone whispering in his ear what is going on.

Then I spotted that something. Could have been anything from the feral ducks to a neighbor getting landscaping to a passer by.

I made the mistake of saying “Oh.”. Not particularly loudly mind you. Just a slightly louder than a whisper “Oh.”

Rack had an opinion. “WOO WOO WOO WOO!”

Standing up, he ran to the front door. Fur up on his back. I guess he didn’t like what was going on.

“Damnit Dog, go take a look, there’s nothing out there!”

“WOO! WOO woo grumblegrumble mmm”

The grumbling went on for a bit, then he lay down and go back to sleep.

“Knucklehead”.

I go back to entertaining myself answering emails. Reading tech websites. I realize that I have a website that needs attention. He’s fast asleep and jogging in his sleep. Alternating between running and wagging his tail.

“Hmm, better log into that site.”
“WOO WOO WOO” He didn’t like my tone of voice.

“Rack! Nothings wrong, go look!”

My standard thing is to keep him busy when he’s interpreting what I am going on about. I won’t tell him to look if there’s a delivery in the area. That would set him off again.

I get the same cycle of winding down and walking back to his place where he can continue watching me, getting things wrong, sliding into sleep, and wagging his tail.

When he’s not doing dippy things, he’s actually very quiet in the house. But twice a day…

You see, the UPS truck comes through the neighborhood every afternoon and that would set him off.

Opinions. Interpretations. Two Plus Two are Five.

That’s what you get with an intelligent dog. A Police Officer who worked with dogs once told me “On their best day, they’re still a dog”. I can see that. They just don’t always get it right.

But, I can easily tell him to walk around in the front yard to dry off his feet after I wash them at the end of a walk. Even if his best dog friend the giant Rottweiler named “D.O.G.” is out there.

Yes, D.O.G., and no I don’t know what Double-Oh styled agency that he’s a part of or what it is short for. It’s just 165 pounds of mostly black love sponge who whines at me from across the street. And yes, he interprets as well since that whine is him saying come on over I am lonely.

Weirdly, Rack is now comfortable enough with that that he hasn’t taken the Once Around The Car “Walk in the Grass” order as being conditional and up for interpretation, but who knows.

After all, on his best day, he’s still a dog.

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/23/with-an-intelligent-dog-you-get-opinions/feed/0ramblingmooseShouldn’t We Be On Mambo Number 6 By Now?https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/20/shouldnt-we-be-on-mambo-number-6-by-now/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/20/shouldnt-we-be-on-mambo-number-6-by-now/#respondSun, 20 Aug 2017 14:55:36 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5707At a lavish party the host calls for silence as he makes an announcement..

He says:

“To the first person who can swim from one end of my swimming pool to the other I will duly award them the sum of one million dollars but there’s a twist! As you can see there’s also three huge alligators and…

Before he could finish his sentence there’s a huge splash and commotion at one end of the pool. A man can be seen frantically swimming for his life towards the other end.

He makes it luckily without being eaten. The host congratulates him and asks him what he will do with the money.

The guy says “I don’t care about the money, I just want the name of the jerk who pushed me in.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/20/shouldnt-we-be-on-mambo-number-6-by-now/feed/0ramblingmooseA Widowed Lady on the beach in Ft. Myershttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/19/a-widowed-lady-on-the-beach-in-ft-myers/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/19/a-widowed-lady-on-the-beach-in-ft-myers/#respondSat, 19 Aug 2017 13:27:03 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5705A hot widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Myers.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.

“First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book.

“I’m sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is lonely,” she countered. “Do you live around here?” She asked.
“Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ,” he answered ,and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest while also being flirty, she persisted, “Do you like pussy cats?”

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”

I have basil growing in my garden so I can make pizza. Green onion in pots make so much that even I can’t eat it all. My Rosemary has grown into a carpet of green. I have banana plants in a pot that are taller than I am by a solid two feet that I need to break into separate pots for gifts. I can’t give away my spare coleus or mango trees. There are peanuts growing all over the place…

Yes, PEANUTS! As in Jimmy Carter’s pride

And the conversation petered off at the end. People let their artichokes grow all the time and they end up with a big purple poof that looks like the yellow safflower blossoms.

Beauty is where you find it. No, I mean YOU find it. I may not agree, so don’t let that hold you back. Be creative. Grow what you like, especially if you like it on a pizza.

Gardening here is simple, drop a seed, it grows. It may grow out of control. Up North, that hardy Asparagus Fern you grow in your bathroom. Down here, it is a noxious and invasive weed. I can’t understand why someone wants all those thorns growing inside their house anyway.

But they like it. *sigh*

So I’ll grow a few more oil seeds in my garden. The flower bloomed, and stayed intact. I put the dried flower in a plastic bag, rolled it between my hands, and got more seeds.

You might ask where I get safflower seeds? We ordered something electronic online. It showed up saying that it was shipped from Bahrain of all places.

Bahrain? Don’t they usually sell products in barrels? Crude Oil? Safflower oil too I guess. There has to be a reason why you live where you do for centuries, so enjoy.

I put some seeds in the front garden and watched. Landscapers came by and raked them up. I put more seeds down and will “box” them off with old roof tiles. They are good at figuring that all out.

I hope.

As for the Milkweed, well it was in the pot first. It made it to the seed pod because the Monarchs never discovered it. I carpet bombed the neighborhood with milkweed seeds where ever they were left to grow from the last time I did that. The butterflies will enjoy that, they’re back already eating the daylights out of what is in my yard.

Now, if I can only figure out how to squeeze inside my hedge so I can plant that variegated hibiscus to fill in some bare spots, I may be getting my flowers back!

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/16/safflower-and-milkweed/feed/0ramblingmooseWhy are horses lousy dancers? Because they have two left feet!https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/13/why-are-horses-lousy-dancers-because-they-have-two-left-feet/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/13/why-are-horses-lousy-dancers-because-they-have-two-left-feet/#respondSun, 13 Aug 2017 14:00:03 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5697

A man goes into a jewelry store on his lunch hour to buy his mistress a necklace.
After looking at a few, he decides on a very expensive diamond pendant.

“Is this for your wife?” the clerk asks as she wraps it in the finest paper.
The man turns to see his wife entering the store, out on her daily errands, and replies to the clerk, “It is now.”

I want to invest in massage parlors
I’ve heard that their turnover rate is pretty high.

Nah, bakeries are on the rise.
Selling, like, hotcakes. And their turnover rate can be even higher.
I mean, there’s a lot of dough in it.
I’m just rolling with what the stocks tell me.
I had all these puns just baking in my head.
Now I can have pizza mind.

the boy comes walking back after a bit…
has 6 chickens in the chicken wire…

Next day..farmer sees the boy…”boy what you got in your hands”?
Boy says “Duct Tape” Gonna go catch me some ducks….
farmer says “boy you can’t catch no ducks with that”….
the boy comes walking back after a bit….has 8 ducks wrapped in the duct tape…

The kid comes back later with about a dozen cats and one very disappointed old man.

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant…

They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering “That poor old couple — all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they’re just fine — they’re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks “May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”

The old woman answers… “THE TEETH.”

I was at the mall yesterday and there was a girl with a really tight t-shirt that said: “Guess”.

I’m thinking that “Implants” was the wrong thing to say…

A student walks into a bar

He sulks into the nearest stool. The bartender comes over and asks “What’s wrong, did you fail a test?”

The Student looks up at him and says “Yeah, I want to be a lawyer, but I went straight from my BAR exam to here because I knew I failed and I feel like drinking my problems away.”

The bartender felt sorry for the kid, but refused to serve him, saying “I don’t serve people when I know they’re bar hopping.”

A priest is drowning in the middle of the ocean. His faith in God is extensive, so he prays for God to save him. Not long after, a man in a fishing boat plines up to him and tells the priest to get in his boat. The priest says, “No! I’m waiting for God to save me!” and the boatman drives off.

Suddenly, the priest notices an entire cruise ship he never saw before! They lower someone down in a lifeboat and throw out a lifeline. The priest rejects it, saying “No! I prayed to God to save me!” The boats float away, and they’re gone before the priest even realizes it.

After a while, the priest notices a helicopter coming towards him! It has a crucifix on its side and, when it’s above him, drops a rope for him to climb. One of his priest brothers and a woman he’s never seen before with golden hair look down and yell at him to climb up. He says, “No, brother! I’m waiting for God to save me!” before the priest notices, the helicopter is gone and he drowns.

Once in Heaven, the priest walks up to God as says, “You, damnit! Why didn’t you save me?!”

God says, “Really? I sent two boats and a helicopter!”

Forrest Gump and his girlfriend goes to a bar…And Forrest asks his girl what she would like to drink?

She answers: Rum Forrest Rum.

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are Birth Control pills?”

“Yes. They help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you that there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep.”

The elderly woman reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes dear, I know that. But, every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. Believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

Two retired gentlemen meet while sunning themselves on the beach

They get to talking about themselves.

One says, “I was in the retail business. I started out with a tiny clothing shop, and through a lifetime of long hours and hard work, built my way up to a nice department store. Things got tough when the chain stores started moving in. Then, tragedy. A fire wiped me out. Luckily, the insurance was enough to cover my losses and then some. Rather than start over, I decided to retire to Florida a little earlier than I planned.”

The other guy said, “My story is much the same. I was in manufacturing, and built my way up from a tiny shop in my garage to a big factory. I too find myself here as the result of disaster. There was a massive flood that destroyed my inventory and equipment. I couldn’t face starting from scratch, and when the insurance offered a generous settlement I took it and started my new life here.”

The first guy leans in and whispers, “How do you start a flood?”

A recent warning to Drivers in England.

Drivers be aware. The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A421, near the Northampton roundabout recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “bike”

There’s this guy who goes and buys a loaf of bread right? And at the shop the employee asks the guy if he wants a bag or not.

The guy thinks a little while…and then says yes please, baguette.

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/12/what-do-dolphins-bake-with-all-porpoise-flour/feed/0ramblingmooseGoodbye, David Clarkehttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/09/goodbye-david-clarke/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/09/goodbye-david-clarke/#respondWed, 09 Aug 2017 16:30:59 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5684I told myself I wouldn’t write this. I had already said my goodbyes in a few ways, made my comments, and as is normal these days I made some comments on your facebook feed.

Then I saw this picture of you on a pass through my picture collection.

It must have been what was in the back of my mind when I wrote on facebook that day. It’s exactly what you’d do.

You’d park yourself in the backyard under my umbrella. Next to the pool, you would go out there “Not To Smoke” but you would anyway. You were the only person allowed to smoke on the property but never in the house.

Bringing your cup of tea out there, it became Your Spot. You could look across the pool at the tropical plantings secure in the knowledge that they were tended to by someone else. You were taking a break from your duties. I guess we could call you a Concierge because you were always doing something for someone in some weirdly random way. I was always surprised to find out some of the things you would do.

My backyard was your refuge from all of those duties. You came here, occasionally but not frequently enough, to get away from all that happy nonsense of the life you chose during the week we met.

I have known you since, as best as I can tell, February 1987. We met when I vacationed there and you had just landed from London. It was a vacation from that life, but you would make it permanent. A lucky break or three gave you just enough to be able to set roots down and you could live there. Maybe I have the timing off one way or another but that is my best guess.

We kept in contact excluding a gap in time. One chance meeting I was walking into the market some time around February 1992 and there you were coming out.

It was like old times. We did not lose contact again.

You visited us in Philadelphia. You enjoyed my own neighborhood of Chestnut Hill as much as we did. I was told it looked just like the English countryside town that you came from. It was “Very English”. When you were there, I didn’t tell you that the shop owners took you to heart. When you left they would occasionally ask when you were coming back.

Later we moved to Wilton Manors, Florida. It’s a full 190 miles away and a long four hour drive from you in Key West. I was warned that it was one way in and one out and traffic could completely block. People could have a 10 hour trip through the keys because “The Sysco Truck broke down” or overturned or some dumb tourist cut in front of it. All were plausible. None happened when I went down there.

Just watch your speed driving the Keys. They will ticket in some places at one MPH over.

My visits were a mirror of yours. Take over a room, drop the suit cases, and relax before a long wander through town to see how much things changed. Key West changed completely over the years. Wilton Manors less so.

Every visit I would spend fixing your computers. I was happy when you got a Mac because then you wouldn’t get those Windows viruses. Then the virus writers targeted Mac and you would get them there. I remember you had a literal stack of machines and every one would end up used up and set under the bed in the spare room waiting for care because Virus.

Stop clicking on links in emails, please.

Well now there are no more links to click.

No more Mangos to duck from the trees.

No more check ins.

Someone else will feed the cat that visits you on your porch for food and sometimes come in for a short visit.

You died suddenly of natural causes on July 29 2017.

I didn’t find out until after I called you and left a message, worried.

Four minutes later someone on your facebook feed confirmed it.

The stories went back and forth. You never completely hide from friends. Now it is much easier for friends to talk. We shared details of how you were planning to come here but kept missing the trip because you were feeling badly, twice in the week before. Each time this happened I’d implore you to visit the doctor. You would become more strident about my coming to visit. I think we know why now.

I had a wonderful chat with your friends, even in your home town.

You were so very proud of that town, Winsford, England. When I showed you how to virtually walk down the street there you were “gobsmacked”. So was I. I would love to see it myself but probably never will get there, just like at this point I doubt I’ll get back to Key West.

I captured that picture of the big stone church and put it on your computers every time I set one up for you.

In fact there were three computers here for you to look at. All with the picture of that church in Winsford, England.

We would go through those pictures and virtually visit your town with the old show To The Manor Born on the TV. We watched that series so many times that we could quote dialog along with Audrey and the Rest. All those old comedy shows that you’d bring along, some I had seen, some not, and always a very enjoyable time.

You are and now were more than a friend, you were a big brother from another mother. You will be missed.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?” “For you, sir, no charge!”

What’s 2 times 2? Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!” Mathematician: “After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!” Engineer: “4, obviously, but lets make it 5, just to be on the safe side.”

Three logicians walk into a bar. “You all want a beer?” the bartender asks. “I don’t know,” says the first logician. “I don’t know either,” says the second logician. Says the third logician, “If that’s the case, then we all want a beer.”

A photon checks into a hotel. “Do you need help with your luggage?” the clerk asks. “No thanks, I’m travelling light.”

A mathematician walks into a bar. “I’ll have a pint, and then half a pint and then a quarter of a pint and then an eighth of a pint-” The bartender, who is also a mathematician, interrupts him, “Two pints, coming right up!”

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician travel together by train. Right after entering Scotland they see a black sheep standing on top of a hill.

“Look at that,” says the biologist. “Apparently the sheep in Scotland are black.”

“Nonsense!” says the physicist. “All we can say for sure is that there is one sheep in Scotland that’s black.”

“I am afraid you are both wrong,” the mathematician explains. “The only thing that is certain is that there is a sheep in Scotland, which is black on at least one side.”

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from from incomplete data.

What is the value of the contour integral around Western Europe? Zero, all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.

Why were the Romans so bad at algebra? They always ended up with X equals 10.

“I never get any good data. Sometimes I think the particle accelerator hates me.” “Never anthropomorphize machines. They hate that.”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/06/a-short-collection-of-science-jokes/feed/2ramblingmooseSo The Beatles Go To America For The First Timehttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/05/so-the-beatles-go-to-america-for-the-first-time/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/05/so-the-beatles-go-to-america-for-the-first-time/#respondSat, 05 Aug 2017 15:30:47 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5673

They go to a currency exchange place by the airport and the ask for (along with a decent sum of cash) some of each type of coin so that they could be familiarized with the currency.

They’re rich enough that they don’t have to skimp out on the number of coins they get, so the cashier gives them four rolls of each type of coin–pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. Sure, maybe it was overkill, but they were in America, where bigger meant better, so they didn’t mind.

The Beatles were not a particularly rich sort before their big break, so it may not be surprising that they went from withdrawing no money at the bank to withdrawing a lot of it, leaving no middle room to go there asking for coins. It was, in fact, the first time any of them had seen a coin roll.

“Look at this!” said Paul, “That’s a bloody line of quarters! A quarter line! And all the other coins are in lines too!”

The cashier tried to explain coin rolls, but the Beatles were already so overjoyed with this discovery that they didn’t hear and kept on calling them coin lines.

They walk out and get in a car with a driver that was waiting for them–Ringo in the front, George in the back left, Paul in the back right, and John in the middle.

They put the money in the middle of the car, in the little bit of space between driver and passenger seat. There’s no pocket there, as the car is from the sixties, but it shouldn’t really matter–after all, they’re worth a lot more than their money is.

They drive out of the airport when, all of a sudden, a car traveling in the opposite direction identifies them and tries to swerve in front of them to stop the car. The Beatles speed up to counter, and they end up colliding head-on.

Majestically, three of the Beatles are unscathed as well as the driver. But the fourth–John, who was sitting directly behind the money, took the full brunt of the blow. The quarters, nickels, and dimes drove into his chest before bouncing back down to the floor of the car, but the penny rolls were launched in such a trajectory that they lodged themselves into various facial features.

When the initial shock died down, Ringo asked, “John, are you okay?” But John couldn’t hear or see him–those appendages were blocked off.

“Aaa-argh!” shouted Lennon, “Penny lines are in my ears and in my eyes!”

]]>https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/05/so-the-beatles-go-to-america-for-the-first-time/feed/0ramblingmooseSnail on Treehttps://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/02/snail-on-tree/
https://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/2017/08/02/snail-on-tree/#respondWed, 02 Aug 2017 15:30:05 +0000http://ramblingmoose.wordpress.com/?p=5680In the yard, there is a little garden.

The little garden is an island afloat on a sea of grassy green.

In the middle of that island is an old snag of a tree.

I can’t bring myself to cut it down. It’s old, it’s moth-eaten, and it’s partly dead. But the parts of that old snag are quite thoroughly alive.

The old snag is a bottle brush tree. It puts out red flowers that look like a bottle brush from time to time. So I cut the dead spots off and leave the thing be. I’m overdue for cutting more dead spots off that tree. Because of those dead branches, I also have lots of air plants, Tillandsia, growing on the bark.

It is its own little ecosystem.

Spanish Moss, ants, birds. It’s full of life even if the tree can’t decide what to do.

After a rain, much of that life is forced to the surface. You can go out there and watch the lizards crawl over it and poach a few insects. That is their place in life, to keep the pests down.

They don’t seem to mind being watched anyway.

But on the bark this one day was a snail. They usually are seen stuck to a window or a post or some other vertical object. When they are there, normally, they are not alive. In fact it is rare that I see one out in the open like this particular day.

A little piece of Escargot trailing a shell that looks like a fancy chocolate, right there in the open, on my half alive tree.

Sure, I could cut it all down but what is the point. I already have a palm tree next to it. I did not plant that palm. It ‘involuntarily’ grew in my pot in the back yard, and took it over. Most likely thanks to some errant bird that left the seed when it was getting ready to fly from my Sea Grape tree in the back yard. I did not weed the palm until I realized it was too late so I cut the pot away from the plant and dragged the root ball to the front yard where I figured I would need it.

The blasted palm tree is now more than 15 feet tall.

So it’s all a nice little family. Half dead bottle brush tree. Out sized palm tree. Some red screw palms and another clump of green ones on the other side.

And the chocolate shelled snail lives there happily as well.

We will just call it a garden, uplight the palm, and call it done. May as well. You get some interesting visitors from time to time, you know.

The Farmer has to meet with the banker, talk about the crops for the year, talk about grain prices, and try to forecast the year’s output to plan out expenses for the year.

When the banker arrives at the farm he notices a very tame and friendly pig, running around as if nothing’s wrong, had a wooden leg. If you didn’t know any better you would think the pig was a dog, would help the old farmer out of his truck, hold the spring gate open for him, just a wonderful pig.

As the farmer explains his planting strategy, watering plans, etc, the banker gets ever more curious about the pig and it’s wooden leg, and decides to asks about the pig.

The farmer explains, “This pig?! Oh, this is a wonderful pig, early this spring, the chickens were awoken by a fox in the middle of the night, and the pig stormed in there and chased off the fox, such a wonderful pig.”

Mid-way through the season, the banker’s curiosity gets the best of him and decides to do a wellness check on the farmer and as he pulled up, noticed the pig had two wooden legs.

The farmer instantly explains about forecasts and how he wouldn’t have any trouble paying his loan in full, but the banker isn’t interested, and asks again about the pig.

“Oh this pig?!”, exclaims the farmer, “such a wonderful pig. Just last week, it saved my life. I fell in the kitchen, and he ran 5 miles to the neighbors to get help, just such a wonderful pig”.

Normally, the bank only meets with the farmer annually, but had to know the story with the pig and two wooden legs, he makes up another story to check in on the farmer after harvest time. Upon arrival, notices the same pig, this time with three wooden legs.

He meets the farmer at the gate with his pet pig, and the farmer is confused why the banker is there. The debts are paid up, but the Banker explains, “Sorry to drop in on you, but before I forget, why does your pet pig have three wooden legs?”

The farmer asks, “If you had such a wonderful pig, would you eat him all at once?”