WWF RAW is WAR

18.5.98

BLAH

DISCLAIMER: I
have jet lag. I also am way behind on answering my email
so if you wrote me last week and I haven't written back, that's why. I
will take THIS opportunity to thank all of you who told me that Special
Guest Tony Siragusa wasn't being booed, the audience was just chanting
"Goose!" I honestly didn't know that one, but thanks to those of you who
just thought I was being clever, har har.

One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Let us take you back to last week, where we see Dude Love in a suit, Stone
Cold Steve Austin complaining about Vince McMahon's special guest
timekeeper, announcer, and referee (Brisco, Patterson, and himself, in
that order), the main event of Austin & McMahon vs. D-Lo & the Rock, Vince
McMahon's lariat heard 'round the world, and all hell breaking loose.

LIVE from the Nashville Arena in Nashville, Tennessee, it's RAW! closed
captioned and en espanol sea disponible, 18.5.98. Your hosts for this
first hour of fireworks are Jim Ross and Michael Cole. We learn that
tonight's main event will have the New Age Outlaws taking on the Rock &
Owen Hart for the Tag Titles.

Walking to the ring is VINCE
McMAHON,
flanked by the Yes Men. "As a
result of my devastating clothesline...it is rumoured that Mr. Austin has
suffered a mild concussion. Given that Mr. Austin might be seeking to
extract some revenge against myself or my associates here tonight...I have
taken the liberty, and this is only for Steve Austin's own protection, to
bar Steve Austin from this arena here tonight. As a matter of fact, you
might find this piece of video interesting..." and we see an "earlier
tonight" clip of Austin trying to get into the building, and his
conversation with the guy who's supposed to keep him out (ha!) Austin says
he'll have a couple Steveweisers and come back and he better not be around
when that happens. We move on to DUDE LOVE, introduced by McMahon and
resplendent in suit, tie, and ponytail. "Mr. McMahon, it seems somewhat
ironic that as the hours tick away and May 31st comes closer, that as
Steve Austin's reign as champion comes to an end, the Dude only becomes
stronger, the Dude's appearance becomes younger, as we all learned last
week, the Dude becomes more handsome and well-educated every day. Mr.
McMahon, I believe May 31st will be a night where dreams come true for all
of us. For you Mr. Brisco, because it will be your hand ringing the bell
signifying the end of Steve Austin. For you Mr. Patterson, because it
will be your voice as the special announcer that announces the name of
Dude Love, a name that will be music to the ears of any sports
entertainment fan who has tired of hearing the vulgarities, and then Mr.
McMahon, it will be time for my dreams to come true...as your hands hit
the mat for the one, two, three, thereby propelling the name of Dude Love
into history..." Vince beams. And now Vince calls out DUSTIN RUNNELS,
the former Goldust himself, "someone who's stuck their nose in our
business, as evidenced last week." He apparently has had knee surgery.
"Last week, you blamed me for every problem you ever had. Give me a
break! When are you going to look in the mirror and take control of your
own life? ... I gave you opportunity! I gave you Goldust! Now here is a
man who seizes opportunity. I know you've got a knee problem, but if you
can beat Dude Love here tonight, you'll be the #1 contender - but if you
lose, I won't pay you for 30 days but you'll still have to work." Dustin
says that's fine, and then gets a good shot on Dude Love, until *Patterson
and Brisco* attack from behind, and a triple-team is on. After a suitable
amount of time, a bevy of referees comes out to separate Runnels from
those in the ring. We're promised that Val Venis is NEXT!

Outside the arena, Jerry Lawler brings out a guy covered by a purple
blanket and, after convincing the doorman that it isn't Steve Austin, is
allowed in.

Jerry Lawler's already lost his man when we return. Turns out he's on a
pay phone (listening to Ross report?)

SCORPIO v. VAL
VENIS
- Venis makes his entrance wearing a towel and with a
theme that's kind of a cross between Rude's old theme, and the Model's old
theme. Lockup, to the ropes, standing switch, they trade blows.
Shoulderblock by Venis, clothesline by Scorpio, back and forth we go.
Standing switch, reverse, Arm bar, reverse. To the ropes, Scorpio with a
flip, and a kick. Both men back up. Commentators try to talk up Scorpio
('cause he'll lose later, no doubt). Venis with back elbow, forearm, chop
to the throat. To the corner, Venis with clotheslines in the corner,
snapmare for 2. Venis with forearm, whip, powerslam. Venis stands over
Scorpio and gives a pelvic twist. Venis with repeated rights. Whip,
puthisheaddown, Scorpio with a kick, and a roll for 2. Big kick from
Scorpio, who wastes time looking around or something. Into the corner,
whip out, Venis with shoulderblock. Bodyslam by Venis. To the second
ropes he goes, but catches a boot in the face - rather, near the face.
Scorpio comes back with punches in bunches. Off the ropes with another
spinning kick. Scorpio with a whip, followed with a clothesline. Elbow,
slam, Scorpio to the ropes and a big splash after a 180 horizontal spin in
midair, but only 2. Venis comes back with a back elbow, belly-to-back
with a bridge for 2. Venis to the top ropes, but Scorpio moves the ropes
and crotches him. Bodyslam by Scorpio. Whip into the corner, follow
clothesline. Scoop slam by Scorpio. To the top rope, but Scorpio misses
the moonsault. Val Venis climbs the ropes, and hits the big splash - of
course, it's called "the Money Shot" - and that's all she wrote. 1, 2, 3.
(6:09) This
Scorpio looks a lot like the old Flash Funk, har har. Venis
does the Rude pelvis dance over Scorpio.

Outside the arena, Steve Austin has another tet a tet with the door man,
culminating in Austin running him into the metal garage door.

I hear the glass, must be time for the ass - STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN walks
to ringside and the crowd goes wild. "Stone Cold can crash the party any
time I want to - if there's gonna be a Monday Night RAW, you can damn well
bet your last little bottom dollar that Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna
be there. Vince McMahon can pull all the strings he wants, and I'm
starting to get" censored here (pissed off?) and he calls out the Big
Three. And out they come. Vince: "Who the hell do you think you are?
This is MY arena. You're calling ME and my associates out here? You're
breaking into MY arena?" "Oh hell yeah." "Who do you think you are?" "I
think I'm the person standing in here looking at three jackasses dressed
up in suits." Austin demands to fight all three men right here right now.
Vince demurs, saying it would mess up their nice suits. "You want a
street fight with the three of us here tonight?" Patterson: "I don't
suck!" Brisco: "If Mr. McMahon wants me to..." Vince says two out of the
three will be happy to take him on, but he won't say which two. VM:
"You're looking at three Musketeers here, you're looking at all for one,
and one for all." SCSA: "I think everyone here would agree with me when
I say you can all screw yourselves." So the upshot of all this is that
Steve Austin will take on two of the Musketeers in a street fight
tonight.

EDGE
promo. Damn, he DOES look like Chris Jericho.

WWF RAW is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT, Castrol GTX, and WWF: The
Music Volume 2 and Blockbuster Music, and the Super Soaker CPS 1000

Jerry Lawler's friend is still under the sheet - getting makeup. The King
reminds whoever it is that he's here to take care of Lawler and protect
him from the Undertaker, and in turn Lawler will take care of him.

SABLE bounces
to ringside and calls out MARVELOUS
MARC MERO, who complies.
As Mero walks to ringside, we get a replay of last week's nutkick and
Sablebomb as experienced by Mero. Crowd chants "Sable." "You know Marc,
I've been thinking a lot about our relationship lately, and I'm willing to
let bygones be bygones - if you can be an adult about this, we can have an
amicable split, you can go your way and I can go mine." "Wait a second,
you're telling me that you want to LEAVE Marvelous Marc Mero?" "That's
what I'm saying." Mero pulls out the contract that Sable signed two years
ago, and reminds her that he "owns" her, and demands that she get back
into his corner. Apparently, she complies, but we immediately move into

TERRY FUNK v. MARC MERO (with
Sable) - Mero punches Funk before he he
enters the ring. On the outside, whip into the barricade by Mero. Mero
punches Funk while Funk is on the apron, and again he's on the outside.
Mero with a punch on the outside. Whip, reverse, and MERO hits the steel
steps. Funk throws Mero into the ring and finally FUNK is in the ring.
Piledriver by Funk. 1, 2, no. Funk with neckbreaker for 2. Mero comes
back with the fists and a clothesline. Another clothesline. A third
clothesline. Mero with forearms as Funk gets to his knees. Funk's head
meets the corner. Mero kicks away in the corner. Whip into the corner
and a follow clothesline. Forearms by Mero. Whip, Funk gets up a foot,
clothesline and Mero is down. Now Funk is doing the punching and Mero
goes down again. Funk repeatedly slams Mero's head in the corner.
Unfortunately the ref goes down. This gives Mero time for the Golotta.
Sable is up on the apron, trying to let the ref know that Mero's been
cheating, and sure enough instead of counting a pinfall after the
obligatory TKO, referee "Blind" Jack Doane is talking to Sable. Funk
manages a DDT in here for the pin. And Sable smiles. (4:02)

We see the security guy, still holding his head, walking around with some
cops. They're looking for Steve Austin, it appears.

The 1-800-COLLECT Rewind is Jerry Lawler being chokeslammed and
tombstoned, from last week's War Zone.

The police accost Jerry Lawler and his blanketed friend, but he's still
not Steve Austin.

LOD 2000 (without Sunny) v. CHAINZ &
SKULL (without 8-Ball but with Those
Beautiful Titan Bikes) - we see clips of the DOA
scoring the surprise
pinfall on the Tag Team Champions in a nontitle match three weeks ago, the
LOD turning the DOA's title shot into an eight man tag two weeks ago, and
Hawk losing via pinfall last week to the old switcheroo. Funny to see
Chainz back after a couple weeks. Anyway, this match can't suck enough
and I'm not going to describe it. You probably can figure out that
8-BALL
comes in from the crowd, and pins Animal after the old switcheroo in
2:39
and it just floats like a big ol' turd, so I won't bother. LOD challenges
DOA to a 6-man next week. God help us all. Can you wait to find out who
the LOD's partner will be?

Earlier today, Paul Bearer and Kane went to a local medical facility to
get tested - part of Paul Bearer's plan to prove that he IS Kane's father
- TONIGHT!

War Zone opening - it's rated TV-PG-V, yup.

JERRY LAWLER,
with his friend, joins Jim Ross at the commentary table.
"I've been getting sick and tired, and I've had it up to here..." to keep
a poor commentator from doing his job. And who's under the sheet? It's
AL SNOW (along with
Head) who gets a headset for about a minute until
Lawler decides it's a better idea to just sit Snow at ringside instead -
Lawler has apparently promised to get Snow a meeting with McMahon in
return for his services.

DUSTIN RUNNELS v. DUDE LOVE in a #1
Contender match - Runnels is all over
Dude Love until Runnels tries to followup while Dude is outside. As we
see Patterson and Brisco suddenly appear at ringside, Dude gets a good
kick in on Dustin's knee. We also take a break to see Austin in the back
watching the match on TV. The end is Gerald Brisco jumping up to the
apron, Runnels trying to take a swing at him, Dude sneaking up from behind
with the Love Handle (Mandible Claw) and Runnels losing consciousness
(2:19) so now
Runnels has to wrestle for a month without pay. The Yes Men
escort the Dude back. Dude, by the way, has "VKM" and a giant heart on
his arm. Ross lets it slip that Vince's middle name is "Kennedy" and now
I'll NEVER forget it.

The cops have found Steve Austin and start reading him his rights.

When we come back, the cops have Austin in cuffs and McMahon is telling
him this is for his own good, and his only regret is they can't have the
street fight later in the show.

THE HEAD BANGERS v. DICK TOGO &
(mens) TEIOH (with Sho Funaki, Yamaguchi
San and Flag) - apparently, this match is so
exciting we keep cutting to
Snow and the Head having a conversation. For an encore, we have a Taka
Michinoku and Bradshaw run-in for no reason to cause the DQ
(5:20ish) and
my heart just isn't in it tonight.

Ad for the RAW IS WAR Monster Ring. Ha! No matter how "adult" the
product gets, there will always be toy ads.

The Castrol GTX Slam of the Week is Vader's Vaderbomb from last week's
RAW. Drive hard!

More scenes from Paul Bearer and Kane undergoing DNA testing.

NEW AGE OUTLAWS (with D-Generation
X) v. THE ROCK & OWEN HART (with the
Nation) for the WWF Tag Team Championship - The
Champs come out first, to
the DX theme instead of their own. X-Pac: "DX got game!" HHH: "<poor
man's Michael Buffer followed by masturbation jokes>" Road
Dogg: "<I did
this last week and EVERY week>" James DOES call Owen Hart "Cannibal
Lecter" so I'll give him props for that at least. Hunter talks so long
poor old Billy doesn't even get to talk. AND the Nation doesn't even get
introduced before we have a pier ten brawl and I wonder if this match will
even happen here. In the process, a cameraman gets LEVELED, and
fortunately we're using his shot when he goes down (lurch, bang, oh).
While we try to sort out things, let's take an ad break.

When we come back, everybody's been removed but the four combatants and
Chyna. James and Maivia are in the ring. The Rock is on top here,
culminating in the People's Elbow for 2. Tag to Hart. Repeated atomic
drops. Head to the turnbuckle. James with an eyepoke and a tag. Gunn is
all over Hart with punches. Whip, press slam - no it isn't, Hart is down.
Reverse, reverse, enziguiri by Hart for 2. Tag to the Rock. Nothing
settled until Gunn goes down after an elbow. Arm wringer by Maivia but
Gunn punches out and tags. James kicks the Rock, another kick,
clothesline attempt but the Rock hits a Samoan drop. Hart with an elbow
from the middle rope and a bite of the ear for good measure. Tag to the
Rock. James comes back with a flurry of punches, but runs into Hart's
foot off the ropes. Rock with Rock Bottom but Gunn makes the save. Owen
and Gunn battle to the outside. Chyna distracts referee "Blind" Jack
Doane - cue Faarooq, who delivers a vicious piledriver on the Rock. And
Doane turns around - 1, 2, 3. (8:00+) New Age Outlaw music
plays.

Oh look, Steve Austin is still in the car. And...the car is still here.

Over the Edge is Sunday, 31 May! And rated TV-14!

Stone Cold has been released after apologising to the Door Guy.

Kevin Kelly interviews Dr. Chuck Woosley (no relation to Chuck Woolery),
who lets us know that the DNA tests reveal that Paul Bearer IS Kane's
father. Sure enough, KANE and PAUL
BEARER make their way to ringside "I'm
not the little boy that howled wolf, I'm the fat man that tells the truth!
I told you, Undertaker, that your brother was alive and here he is! I
told you, Undertaker, that I am the father of Kane, and the proof is in
the pudding. There's something you need to understand, Undertaker,
there's something your brother accepted a long time ago, your mother was
nothing but a two-bit whore, and that's the truth!" Out RUNS the
Undertaker (no music, no lighting treatment - he MUST be mad!), who takes
out Kane AND Paul Bearer, until Kane turns the tide and the doubleteam is
on (not that Paul Bearer can inflict much damage). Out comes -
VADER -
who fights Kane while Undertaker runs after a hastily departing Paul
Bearer. We learn that Vader and 'Taker will fight at Over the Edge. Will
the streetfight be next?

Let us take you back to Moments Ago "Yo mama wasn't nothing but a damn
two-bit who-" and he's cut off to presumably make TSN happy. And
Undertaker runs out...

Back live to a shot of Stone Cold Steve Austin lacing up for the Street
Fight.

PAT PATTERSON & GERALD BRISCO v. STEVE
AUSTIN in a Handicap Street Fight -
Brisco has a "Brisco Brothers Body Shop" T shirt, and Patterson has a
"First IC Champ" T shirt. We learn that there's a Special Guest Referee
and it is SERGEANT
SLAUGHTER. After making his entrance, Austin
hands
Slaughter the belt, then flips him the doublebird, so Slaughter waffles
him and the doubleteam is on. Slaughter turns a blind eye to the
shenanigans, including the brass knux shot. Slaughter tries a quick count
but Austin kicks out, then Hulks up and takes out both men. Needless to
say, both men get Stunners. Sarge tries for the Cobra clutch, Austin
drops down, kicks out and give a Stunner to Slaughter. Cue Dude Love, who
doesn't fare much better. Suddenly a fan wear ing a Stone Cold mask joins
the fray, shoving Dude aside, then doing a goofy dance. The fan grabs a
chair - and chairs Steve Austin with it! That's no fan, that's Vince
McMahon! Huh? Austin's down...and we're outta time!