Feast Your Eyes On The Creepiest Advice Ever Given

This may or not be Donkey. It sure sounds familiar, and as mentioned, how many clients can this daddy-issued, tit-baring lunatic have? Seriously. But how fucked-up and completely insane is this advice? Truly the worst advice you could give a donkey who is already a creepy Stage 5 Clinger with no boundaries who has not and would not hesitate to break the law when scorned.

Desperate & confused about the volcanic conflict in her relationship, my client “C” recently wrote me for support. After working with her for over 2 years, she finally found her true love. But they were deep in the power struggle phase, fighting all the time. He was ready to give up, pushing hard for a break-up. She was terrified & losing faith. Here’s what I wrote back:

But this is exactly what True Love looks like sometimes – messy, ugly & despairing.

Your relationship is building character right now. Matters of the heart are always complex & labyrinthine. Don’t worry about how far this seems from the fairytale. A love that has been to the edge of annihilation and back is wiser & more trustable.

True Love is the most painful education there is. Remember, it doesn’t take a lot to make love work…it takes everything. And in my research it’s worth each wince, quiver & heartbreak, if you stay with the “Initiation”.

The “Initiation” -which never ends- is learning to continuously generate faith in the success of your relationship even when you’re most scared, angry or upset. The faith comes not from your feelings, reasons, evidence or proofs, but is conjured de novo from the audacity of your imagination. It’s funded by a deep commitment to something you believe is good, true & beautiful -the partnership itself.

True Love is the strongest force I know of in the universe, but it has no power if you don’t believe in it.

I think your relationship can survive the current drama and I will help you get through. But this will take more courage, resilience and outrageous dedication than you have ever wielded before. Love can render the impossible possible, but it requires your faith.

Don’t listen to friends who encourage you to give up. Much of the world won’t support your being in love; it highlights where they may have settled. You have to be willing to walk some paths alone. It takes daring to stay in a game that others think you’re losing.

No one else can fight for your love, only you. And it’s always a private battle between your inner idealism and silent cynicism -two sides of the same coin (since all cynics are failed idealists). I’m here to reconnect you to your deep romantic dream -the part of you that believes in magic & destiny.

Here’s the deal, True Love doesn’t look any one way…just like a son or daughter doesn’t look any one way…each time love emerges between two people it looks different and is different. Yet, there are some unifying characteristics of True Love you can practice & cultivate:

1) Be willing to do whatever it takes to understand your partner’s emotions & perspective. Are you willing (like Orpheus for Eurydice), to descend into ‘hell’ & risk that horror in order to reconnect with your lover? What if you knew the development required to do that work would make you a more extraordinary human…

2) Feel all the feelings in the spectrum that arise in you -from the heights of ecstasy to the depths of despair. Learn to stay with your somatic awareness, breathe through each feeling that visits and interview it for its wisdom. Being able to stay with the intensity of anger or fear and not threaten the relationship or give up on the partnership is crucial.

True Love “is the white light of emotion” (says author D. Ackerman)…a glass prism shows light is comprised of every color in the rainbow, so too Love is comprised of every feeling in the psyche. We must learn to feel each of them in order to earn our place in the exclusive cult of True Love. All of this takes gladiator courage, plus a heart that is willing to break & heal, break & heal -over and over again.

3) No matter how bad it feels or looks right now…stay connected to the knowledge that being with your lover is a privilege and an exquisite gift worth fighting for, perhaps even dying for (ie: your protective, defended persona must die-into the raw authentic self that your partner is actually in love with)

4) Notice the parts in you that see perfection or catastrophe. Don’t trust either of them. Reality rarely falls at the extremes of ideal happiness or full on disaster, it happens mostly between, in the grey zone. You, my dear, tend to polarize and pendulum swing from one extreme to the other (happily-ever-after vs. we’re f*cked). Start tracking this ancient habit of projecting binary outcomes in black & white, good or bad and expect results in between. Reality is way more nuanced, subtle & complex…as are you.

5) Never ever give up, even when everything in you (or your partner, or the world) says so. When two people are actually in love (for real) break-up is not even an option. You know in your soul they were custom-made-by-the-universe for you and you for them, so there’s no where else to go. It’s a strange, inevitable trap.

I recommend you take some space to ground and calm yourself; use movement if you can. Dance, stretch, walk, hike. If you’re angry, scared, confused or overwhelmed with doubt it’s your job to regulate your nervous system when you’re triggered/ upset. Don’t fall into the victim-stance that expects him to rescue you from your pain & fear. It’s our responsibility as adult women (and future mothers) to practice generating safety for ourselves in our body & in our circumstances.

If your surroundings have you feeling physically unsafe, take action & change them. If you feel emotionally unsafe, use conscious breathing, meditation, stretching, yoga, visualization, dance, anything that gets you into your body & back to the present moment. Once you’re good at feeling your feelings (tuning into the physical sensations in your soma-scape) by staying connected to your breath, you’ll then become aware of your ancient wise-woman-wisdom, and it will be obvious what to do next.

When we internally regulate our emotional states first, our partner is then better able to regulate their nervous system. Remember, your man is unconsciously looking to you as a mother figure (all men do) and if mommy is not grounded, safe & calm, baby boy can’t feel safe & calm….so the woman has to lead.

You say he wants to break up. But break-ups should only ever occur when both parties are soft, loving and deeply intimate…never during a fight. If both people are in a place of mutual reverence and still aware they’re not a match as life partners then it may be appropriate to shift the dynamic. However, the fact that your historic “break-ups” have always been driven by anger/ conflict makes them untrustable.

Know this: True Love always wins. ALWAYS, that’s a fact…and if you really believe you & your man are soul mates, then no matter what it looks like now (happy, angry, sad, fighting, together, broken up, separated, in mutual simultaneous orgasm, panic…whatever) trust you both will eventually find your way back to each others’ hearts & end up together. Your ability to lean in and trust this truth will allow you to relax about how it all looks right now and let the process unfurl organically. Let go of any time limits you are placing on the “issue”. Each love has its own rhythm and pace, one cannot rush romance.

I believe in you & your love. But you’re the only one that can keep the flame of your dream alive. No matter how dim it gets, never, ever let it go out.

As for the pain…the heart is a muscle, every break makes it stronger. You have an epic love story in the making and it demands you keep standing for it regardless of your fleeting thoughts or feelings. True Love is a realm available only to those who believe & are willing to do the ego-transcending work it demands. This game is not for the fainthearted; it’s a gladiator sport. But, I know you can do it, you were made for this. And I’m right here at your side, clapping.

157 Responses to Feast Your Eyes On The Creepiest Advice Ever Given

1. “With softness”. Are you fucking kidding me? Who talks like that???
2. Her client “C” as in c–t? That would hint toward Donk.
3. This is quite possible the creepiest piece of “advice” I’ve ever seen, worse than “heated growth opportunities”.
Listen, freak. Sometimes relationships don’t work out and then the healthy thing to do would be for both partners to walk away. Since this was a business arrangement to begin with, it’s even more straight forward.
I can’t with these people.

I think it’s funny, that guy hasn’t posted shit on her fb in months and as a parting gesture he writes a novel? And her brief response to try and show she’s fine-it’s all about how things appear to others which is why she will never be happy.

True Love doesn’t break up and True Love doesn’t constantly argue in the first two years. Agony is definitely not a word I’d use to describe life with my One True Love. There is no advice to give, or receive for that matter. You’re welcome for the sound advice, Lalalalala, and I’m sorry to hammer down your grifter and grifted fool$.

Perhaps if this couple had gone to a REAL couples therapist, or she’d gone into therapy, they wouldn’t be in this place today. A therapist who’d call her on her shit and tell her what’s what i.e. she has histrionic personality disorder. But she’s shown she can’t do the work.

Love advisers, gurus, dating columnists play into people’s insecurities. People who listen to love advisers, gurus, or dating columnists never learn to trust their own instincts.

Annie Lalla advises putting A LOT of work into something that should be FUN…NATURALLY FUN! If you aren’t having fun with your partner, leave, because you are NEVER going to have fun!

Poor Julia, she listens to so many people, but never to herself. This relationship was doomed from the start (check out the eye roll she gave Debbie when he showed up at the door with his sweater over the sweater swagger).

“5) Never ever give up, even when everything in you (or your partner, or the world) says so. When two people are actually in love (for real) break-up is not even an option. You know in your soul they were custom-made-by-the-universe for you and you for them, so there’s no where else to go. It’s a strange, inevitable trap.”

She is obviously crazy and part of the grifty angle is that no one wants to pay the Love Coach that tells them to break up. That said, like the MA scene “THEY CALL ME DONKEY” – nevar 4get – Annie gives Donkey the tough medicine that she’s never had, and promptly falls apart and cries, of course. There are nuggets of decent advice here – like, your relationship is always either the Greatest Love Ever Known or on the brink of collapse, so Earth to Donkey, strike some middle ground and don’t get so high on your own fumes after fireplace sexxytimes that you don’t see the ongoing challenges. Also, the bit about victim-stance, expecting him to rescue her – not just from pain and fear, but from having to be a functioning adult.

Its kind of a crazy sandwich, with some slices of truth in between a bunch of manic garbage.

Or worse. And I don’t know about you, but whenever I hear “gladiator sport”, I think of blood, not bliss and only one person making it out alive. Then again, if you’re Annie GaGa, you’re reference is probably American Gladiator.

At first I thought Donks wrote all that garbage. But it was such a long stream of insipid nonsense trash, I realized A Donkey wouldn’t have the concentration or attention span to crap out such an endless piece of shit advice.

(Also, that pic: I’ve seen it before; are they in a church or something? These people are disgusting. Donks’ white stripper heels and Joker smile, Leathery Lala’s jutting her ass out on a chair with a cross on it.. nauseating, horrid people. )

Again. Worst advice ever. Unless her idea of a successful relationship includes it being a case on some police serial because all these kinds of relationships usually lead to is resentment and maybe a homicide no one saw coming, although they totally should have.

These other people actually seem somewhat accomplished. She will have nothing to say but will still dominate the event. “Georgetown grad and 2008 Wired cover girl.” Oh honey, both of those things were a long, long time ago. No. One. Currrrr.

Is she out of her fucking mind? TL:DR but jesus. I read one sentence:
When two people are actually in love (for real) break-up is not even an option.

Um. I was (still am) in love so crazily with my ex. For various reasons, we had to end. Like I loved him so much I used to think I would not be able to survive if he ended it. But Christ. Sometimes two people cannot be together. Esp when, I dont’ know, one doesn’t want to? I’m too tired from work to even critique this fully.

The entirety of Number 5 is horrifying. I am in a lovely relationship where break-up is not an option because we like each other, and nothing in either one of us is telling us otherwise. There are no traps, strange, inevitable or otherwise. Is there work? Yes. Does it involve stalking? No. The work of a relationship is keeping communication open, maintaining mutual respect, and being your best for each other. I would never describe anything that goes on in a healthy relationship as a “fight” or a “descent into hell” unless one of you is actually for real ill in some way.

I eventually left a marriage I fought like hell to save because it finally penetrated my skull that he wasn’t interested in putting any time or effort in, and that it was rapidly degenerating into a complete loss of respect for each other. Of course, I highly doubt there was any respect in a Donkey’s relationship to begin with, so…

So if Lalalala hadn’t pushed Donks into this relationship, when they were clearly on the rocks last year, Donks would have moved on much sooner and tried to find an actual wallet with actual money in it. Good going, Lalala. Because of you we had to endure several months of boredom.

But Jesus. People break up. Things run their course or people find they’re not right for each other or the timing is awful or all three. If I followed Annie Lala’s advice I’d still be clinging to my high school boyfriend.

I get the feeling that Lala does every normal activity in a “suggestive” way.
Sit on a chair? Hey, lets spread eagle that thing backwards.
Walk down the aisle? Hey, lets slither up and down on a Daddy lollipop.

Also — Lala dancing down the aisle with her father before her wedding? I think of my Mad Men era Dad (who makes Don Draper look absolutely emotionally connected) if I pulled something like this at my wedding walking down the aisle at a church. Wow.

Semi-OT, but I have fallen down the rabbit hole of MMBH’s archives, and they are wincing me.

“… I have been CRAVING this lemonade and the smootie!! Plus, green juice from the smootie places…”
“… the sulpher in the lemon…”
“… always keep a Moleskin journal…”
“If you want something super cute, I would go to Paper Source, Kate’s Paperie (in Soho) or a stationary store.”
“I like it with Peach Lambech and a fresh orange slice.”
“… she introduced herself as a tumbrreader… ”
“… it’s on main land San Francisco and not in Merin county or The Valley…” [Nobody says The Valley– it’s the South Bay. This was in a “piece” she was writing for the HuffPo… the place also serves an artisinal breakfast.] WHO GIVES THIS TWIT MONEY???

This reminds me of a Dr. Phil episode I totally watched and I never watch him I swear. This chick was there with her current husband, they had only been married 8 months. Her prior husband went to Iraq, came back, and was all sortsa fucked up. So she had to leave him. She served him with divorce papers just to test him adn he signed them. IT was like her one true love bla bla.

She OBVIOUSLY settles for this poor guy who seems so nice, cute etc. Well, the ex came back and was like I made a mistake, I wanna be with you, etc. She GOES OUT FOR DRINKS WITH HIM and basically let’s her husband know she still wants to be with him. Itw as really sad for all involved. Her husband was like a needy mess and clearly have to get out but…he wasn’t. She basically admitted she was in love with the first husbo and not in love with the second.

At the end? Dr. Phil suggests she stay with her husband cuz “She left one relationship unfinished and she shouldn’t do that with another one.” A RELATIONSHIP IS FINISHED WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU LOVE SOMEONE ELSE MORE.

This was tots incoherent and TLDR. i just couldn’t believe dr. phil told a woman to stay with her current husband when she admitted she loved the first one sitting on the couch in front of her and her current husband. worst advice ever! jesus! they were all young too. like a 30 y/o woman is gonna stay with husband 2 when she’s desperately in love with number 1?

point being…things end and often messily. you don’t tell someone to stay when they don’t want to. or their partner doesn’t. cuz um, that’s psycho?

You know, I almost feel sad for her right now. Not because of the end of her relationship with Debs, but because I know that when I went through a rough breakup, work was a saving grace for me. It gave me something to throw myself into. And she just has… nothing. No distractions. Jesus, what a sad life.

What’s funny is looking back on the RBD January archives and seeing all the madness now that we know that as of Jan. 14, and probably for weeks beforehand, she knew the writing was on the wall. What, did he live with her for even three months before realizing he had to escape (only took Pancakes a week or so)? Not going home for Christmas was another clue that shit was getting real.

This has been a really bad month for Julia Allison > didn’t get to clomp around NYFW w/ her poached NBC mic, thanks to getting called out last year by some publication > the hired-hand fake boyfriend dumped her on Valentines Day > can’t afford to keep her San Fran apt (good thing Dad$er co-signed the lease!) w/out scamming the landlord & AirBNB renters > has to celebrate Birthcray alone, can’t even rustle up a birthcray chicken …

She posted about some invitation-only griftathon given by The Pickup Artist and Blahblahblah in Miami, starting Feb. 27. So she’s spending birthcray there??? They’d better organize a chicken with candles on it.

O hai Bunny, sorry you are feeling so blue, come to my exclusive invitation-only griftinar for the small sum of $2995 and we’ll talk about how you really don’t have to let your soulmate go. It will be the first of ten transformational lessons from my video series for only an additional $1995! Should I send the bill to the same place as before? Peter Baugher, right?

It was so weird that after some of those posts she would add “Devin, I love you” in the comments. It reads to me as “Dammit Devin, I’m talking to you here! Comment so that the whole world knows that you love me, too!”

Suicide attempts are not at all odd and prove how much you love him! the fact that you didn’t die means it was meant to be! Don’t believe your psychiatrist that you have Borderline Personality Disorder! You just can’t let go because you guys were meant to be! Western medicine, gross! Call me from the psyche ward, I’m here for you.

That dress is so cheap I’m sure it combusted after the photo flash. Next, trout pout was never cute. And last, those knock off YSL shoes are so awful, even a blind, one-legged, stripper wouldn’t wear them.

For what little bit of Falalalalala’s advice I could stomach, it won’t ever work because Donk’s is a TAKER and not a GIVER. She loves herself too much to even consider descending into hell for someone; let alone dying for them.

I love this photo so much. She would look horrible even if the hideous clothes and unfortunate posture were doing all the work, but then she goes that extra mile with her ludicrous idea of a sexy face. I don’t know why she always makes me think this even though I have no offspring, but: it would be so mortifying to have this beast as a child. To me–but not to Pete & Robin. So odd.

I would be most interested in we can all discuss how Julia Allison is turning the ripe, old, expired age of 33 in ten short days…. which is the say age Jesus hung up on the cross for a few hours and yada yada yada….. This is NEWS people! This is FRESH, SINGLE, NON-DEBBIE’D DONKEY!!! Even though it is the Chinese year of the Horse – I am proposing our old cat lady horse is, actually, a Donkey!

I’m not asking her to die for my sins…. I’m asking if I can LIVE for HERS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA

What is happening in that picture?
“OK, you in the casual henley with the business French cuffs, straddle this chair. And you, over near the fresco, in the Target shoes? Show me where your leg turns into butt.” NAILED IT.

You are all slaying me!! I’ve LOLd so often my cat keeps meowing at me like “wtf?”.

Would love your thoughts on this part of Lalalalalala’s crazy screed:
“Let go of any time limits you are placing on the “issue”. Each love has its own rhythm and pace, one cannot rush romance.”
In addition to other points discussed already, it really makes me think this WAS about donk. We know she’s been pushing for a proposal. I bet that was the “issue” TraLalalala mentioned.

Hey Falalala. It’s untrustworthy. Untrustable is straight from some cheesy song and the urban dictionary. Even now, there’s a squiggly little red line lighting up under untrustable on this comment form.