Terrific Parenting: Mistake No. 7 — Parenting with all talk and no action

In everyday life, we communicate constantly with words. In school, your children learn through communications based in language. As soon as possible, we teach our toddlers to use words to express their needs and wishes. Thus, it is quite understandable that we try to use words and discussions to manage behavior.

However, here’s the truth: Words are a pitifully weak tool to manage or change behavior patterns! And even though I am communicating daily with words to my clients and I would be lost without those very “words,” I am critiquing, it is my understanding the role of ACTION that allows me to be effective.

When I point out the weakness of words to manage behavior or to create real change in humans, many parents struggle with this idea, thinking that their children “should just listen” despite the fact that reality has proven that they don’t listen well to words.

Is it normal to repeat yourself a dozen times to your kids? NO. It’s not normal. This is where we must see how weak our parenting system has become. It is a waste of your energy and leads to a constant daily process of YOU trying to control or manage THEIR behavior using words.

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It will not get better, by trying to find better words. It will not get better by putting your child in therapy. It will not get better by threatening them with bigger consequences. We need a real change!

Establish authority from action, not words. What does this mean? It means that once we acknowledge the feebleness of words to manage behavior, we turn our attention to taking action when, in the past, we have been talking, yelling, negotiating and threatening. Here is one simple method to consider.

Dr. Cale’s absurdly simple but effective action formula

1. Establish a few fundamental rules and keep it simple.

It is essential to understand that too many rules are similar to too much talk — it leads to constant negotiation and arguments. So keep it short and sweet. A few examples might be:

• Always do work before play

• Aggression and violence will land you in time out

• Eat or don’t eat my food, but complaints will excuse you from the table

• Curse, abuse or allow negativity on your electronics and you will lose them.

2. A rule is worthless without a commitment to the action YOU will take.

Thus, always connect the choice with the consequence, which is your commitment to action! Don’t remind and threaten that you will take action. Instead, honor the rule you put in place.

Often parents come in stating that such and such are “unacceptable.” What does that mean really? Mostly nothing!

Why? Because there is no consequence (or action) built into the vague threat of “unacceptable.”

Instead, each rule must have a clear, unrelenting consequence that you will always honor.

3. Don’t expect the rules to do anything — expect the consequence to be the teacher.

This means that we are grounded in reality. We don’t set up these rules, expecting them to be followed. That would be foolish!

Instead, I expect many children to test the rules. They must violate the rule and experience the consequence. This is where the teaching occurs.

And should I expect this only once? NO! Expect that it may take a few times. Only then can you begin to see the power of your actions, rather than your wasted words!