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Monday, 14 February 2005

Apologies to all you lovely vixens out there obviously distraught at not having received a valentine's card from me today. As you are no doubt aware, security concerns here in Washington have caused enormous delays in our postal service (well, you try opening 500,000 envelopes every day and reading their entire contents!) Consequently, patriot that I am, I have refrained from sending out my annual missives of suggestive artwork and erotic prose. Let's just hope Dubya can bring a speedy end to this war on terror so that normal service can be resumed ASAP.... In lieu of a card, I'd like to send out my heartfelt throbbings to the following sweet little chickies in the hope that their day will be brightened by the knowledge of my febrile sexual yearnings for them:

Melissa Etheridge

Bette Midler

Scarlett Johansson

Kate Moss

Anna Massey

Condoleeza Rice

Penny Smith

I could go on - there are just so many lovely ladies out there. But I'm sure you'll agree that the list of names above would brighten up anyone's Valentine's Day.....esp. if you could get them all in the same room!

Regular readers will be aware of my annual "Ministry of Swipe" compilation of love songs and tired old MOR standrads. You'll be pleased to know that this year's effort will be available online. Just click on a title for a superb MP3 sample, remastered from pristine vinyl source. Happy Listening!!

Monday, 7 February 2005

Second in an occasional series in which your humble scribe scours cyberspace for the pick of world wide web.

This week, a real gem. OK, you all know I was born in 'dear old blighty' and even though I now consider myself a fully paid up member of "Team America", there are still few things that mark me as a true Brit and run through me like the writing in a stick of rock. One is a love for a 'decent cup of tea' - I can't abide the paltry piss-water you yanks throw down your gullets in the mistaken belief that you are drinking tea. The other is a profound and deep seated dislike of the Germans and all things teutonic (this is mainly football related but there are a few war-related themes too). So, imagine my surprise when I found my icy English breast melted by the work of one of the 'master race'. For it is a cold and ignoble heart that could not be charmed by young Heike's lovingly tended homage to all things elevated in the footwear department. I can't really add anything in words but to thoroughly recommend that you totter over to the link opposite and feast your eyes on some of the nicest feet (and legs) this side of Munchengladbach. Oh, and Heike - if you're out there - please feel free to contact the site and maybe we could....you know, hook up and .....if the mood was right and you felt there was something going on between us.....you could.....you know.... walk all over me???

I would love to be able to say that my long absence from your world has been caused by a lengthy sojourn fighting the forces of imperialism in Eye-rack; or in infiltrating the Old Trafford canteen in order to attempt an audacious coup to overthrow "Sir" Alex Ferguson by adding poison to his vat of vintage methylated spirit; or siphoning of profits from U2's multi-million seeling "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb" CD in order to redistribute the profits with a view to ending global poverty. I wish any of the above were the case. Sadly, the reason for my lengthy silence is more prosaic: I forgot my Password!

So, without further ado - or in Arsenal's case, Edu - what's been happening at Swipe Towers over the last few months? Well, to be frank, not an awful lot. I've been putting a lot of time into my pornographic, anti-Iraq war novel, "Get Your Cock Out of my Face, Condi" - to the extent that I have lost quite a degree of wrist flexibility and have developed a most unsightly blistering between thumb and forefinger. Sadly, despite the obvious commercial potential of a novel set in the Abu-Gharaib detention centre, tracing the Fanny Hill-like journey of sexual discovery embarked upon by the book's heroine, I have received no positive feedback from any of the publishers I have emailed the text to. Regular readers will know the short shrift I give to the currently prevalent conspiracy theorits' mumbo jumbo. However, though it pains me to say it, I'd say that this concerted effort to impede my self expression has 'censorship' written all over it. I will be relentlessly pursuing my White House contacts with a view to having this sad besmirchment of the democratic ideal condemned from the very top.

Worse news from the football pitch. Hank and I coptered it over to the UK to watch the match of the season as our beloved Arsenal played their make or break tie with United of Manchester. Sadly, after a promising start, 'The Arse' capitulated to a spirited United performance in the second period and with those three dropped points went all hopes of our retaining the title. Oh well, short of covering the Red Devil's manager in post-match refreshments, what can I guy do?

More later - and sorry it's been so long. I will update you further on the battle to end third world poverty a little later - beware fans of Ms. Siead O'Connor, Mr. Paul Bono and "Sir" Robert of Geldof - it doesn't make pretty viewing!!

Love on ya!

Bob

p.s. Three cheers for the plucky Crawley Tigresses. I note that they won their first game in 18 attempts this season! I knew that bad run had to end soon. Here's to the next 18 unbeaten!! Way to go, girls!!!