We may be living in a "post-truth” culture where feelings trump facts (and Trump ignores facts) but the tabloids have been living there for years, and this week’s tabloid flights of fantasy are no different.

“Drugs tearing Keith & Nicole Apart,” claims the ‘National Enquirer’ in an exposé about Nicole Kidman and husband Keith Urban - except the story is about an alleged former drug dealer’s “fears” that Urban is “teetering on the brink of a devastating relapse.” In other words Kieth is still straight and sober as far as the Enquirer knows, and a dubious source who admits not seeing Urban for 15 years is worried. Post-truthism at its finest.

As is the ‘Enquirer’ exclusive proclaiming: “Prince Harry Cross-Dressing Disaster!” Has Britain’s most politically incorrect Royal taken to fishnets and stilettos? No such luck. Though the ‘Enquirer’ claims that Harry is “caught in a shocking cross-dressing scandal,” actually it’s his girlfriend, American actress Meghan Markle, whose “brother" is revealed in photos wearing a dress and fake breasts. Actually it’s Markle’s mustachioed half-brother, and the photo clearly shows he’s wearing the dress for a lark, not as some lifestyle statement. There’s no scandal, and no way that Prince Harry is somehow entangled in it.

“Drugs Driving Kanye Insane!” screams another ‘Enquirer’ headline, claiming that the singer's hospitalization for “exhaustion” was sparked when “sky-high on booze and a cocktail of drugs.” Based on what? A source claims: “He’s got big problems!” True, but that doesn’t necessarily make his breakdown drug-related. Where are the facts?
Post-truthism has been prevalent in recent political coverage, and this week’s tabloids continue that laissez-faire approach. “Hillary, Bill & Chelsea Indicted!” screams the front page of the ‘Globe.’ What? Did you miss that story in the New York Times or Washington Post? That’s because the Clintons haven’t been indicted. Period. “Clinton Clan’s Going to Prison!” reads the headline above the story claiming the former First Family face “federal fraud and bribery charges” for allegedly using Clinton Foundation funds to finance their own lavish lifestyles. There are certainly serious questions for the Clintons to answer, but predicting the future because of an editorial political stance should hardly be a reporter’s guiding star.

“Muslim Spies in Obama’s CIA!” proclaims the ‘Enquirer’ cover, alleging that 55 “double agents” have been found within the spy agency. Setting aside for a moment the accuracy of this claim, the ‘Enquirer’ seems to have forgotten that these alleged traitors have been uncovered on President Obama’s watch, and that our current president may be happy knowing that he can feed these spies misinformation and keep them isolated. Instead, the ‘Enquirer’ seems to think that this is president-elect Donald Trump’s triumph, and reports: “He’s ready to crush them!” CIA officials allegedly gave Trump a report code-named “Deep Cleanse” designed to flush out double-agents, and a source explains: “They’ve been working on it for months.” In other words, Obama’s administration has been working on it for months. But the Trump-loving ‘Enquirer’ could never praise Obama, so their headline proclaims: “Trump’s Islamic Spy Attack Plan Is A Go!” It’s revisionist history before it even happens - quite a neat trick.

Convicted killer and legendary “wall of sound” record producer Phil Spector “has only six weeks to live” claims the ‘Enquirer.’ Let the countdown begin! Meanwhile, the last time I looked Nick Nolte was still alive, even though the ‘Enquirer’ gave him four weeks to live way back in July. What’s taking him so long?

Among other fact-challenged reports, the ‘Enquirer’ claims that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s adopted sons Maddox and Pax may have to be returned to their biological parents after the celebrity couple’s split, Barack and Michelle Obama are divorcing, and Melissa McCarthy’s marriage is on the rocks because her husband Ben was seen talking with Jennifer Aniston, while the ‘Globe’ claims that Caitlyn Jenner is drowning “in a sea of booze.” Intriguing stories, lacking any evidence, but doubtless written because they just feel right, and that’s what’s important in modern journalism.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Busy Philipps wore it best, Katheryn Winnick (Who she, Ed?) carries mascara, fluffy socks and a Costco card in her Cambridge Satchel Company tote, that Elizabeth Hurley “used to want to be a nun,” and that the stars are just like us: they shop, play soccer, eat nachos and snap selfies. Revelatory, as usual.

As ever, the ‘National Examiner’ brings us word that alien life is trying to contact Earth, under the headline: “Scientists See the Light, And It’s Coming From E.T.!” It goes on to explain that “mysterious signals from the stars may prove aliens are trying to contact us!” Indeed, light pulses have been detected in the distant universe, which the ‘Examiner’ reports “looks like signals from extraterrestrial intelligence.” Or perhaps they’re not signaling Earth at all? Maybe it’s just a galactic-scale disco strobe light, or the finale of a Hotblack Desiato-fronted Disaster Area concert?

Onwards and downwards . . . ]]>

We may be living in a "post-truth” culture where feelings trump facts (and Trump ignores facts) but the tabloids have been living there for years, and this week’s tabloid flights of fantasy are no different.

“Drugs tearing Keith & Nicole Apart,” claims the ‘National Enquirer’ in an exposé about Nicole Kidman and husband Keith Urban - except the story is about an alleged former drug dealer’s “fears” that Urban is “teetering on the brink of a devastating relapse.” In other words Kieth is still straight and sober as far as the Enquirer knows, and a dubious source who admits not seeing Urban for 15 years is worried. Post-truthism at its finest.

As is the ‘Enquirer’ exclusive proclaiming: “Prince Harry Cross-Dressing Disaster!” Has Britain’s most politically incorrect Royal taken to fishnets and stilettos? No such luck. Though the ‘Enquirer’ claims that Harry is “caught in a shocking cross-dressing scandal,” actually it’s his girlfriend, American actress Meghan Markle, whose “brother" is revealed in photos wearing a dress and fake breasts. Actually it’s Markle’s mustachioed half-brother, and the photo clearly shows he’s wearing the dress for a lark, not as some lifestyle statement. There’s no scandal, and no way that Prince Harry is somehow entangled in it.

“Drugs Driving Kanye Insane!” screams another ‘Enquirer’ headline, claiming that the singer's hospitalization for “exhaustion” was sparked when “sky-high on booze and a cocktail of drugs.” Based on what? A source claims: “He’s got big problems!” True, but that doesn’t necessarily make his breakdown drug-related. Where are the facts?
Post-truthism has been prevalent in recent political coverage, and this week’s tabloids continue that laissez-faire approach. “Hillary, Bill & Chelsea Indicted!” screams the front page of the ‘Globe.’ What? Did you miss that story in the New York Times or Washington Post? That’s because the Clintons haven’t been indicted. Period. “Clinton Clan’s Going to Prison!” reads the headline above the story claiming the former First Family face “federal fraud and bribery charges” for allegedly using Clinton Foundation funds to finance their own lavish lifestyles. There are certainly serious questions for the Clintons to answer, but predicting the future because of an editorial political stance should hardly be a reporter’s guiding star.

“Muslim Spies in Obama’s CIA!” proclaims the ‘Enquirer’ cover, alleging that 55 “double agents” have been found within the spy agency. Setting aside for a moment the accuracy of this claim, the ‘Enquirer’ seems to have forgotten that these alleged traitors have been uncovered on President Obama’s watch, and that our current president may be happy knowing that he can feed these spies misinformation and keep them isolated. Instead, the ‘Enquirer’ seems to think that this is president-elect Donald Trump’s triumph, and reports: “He’s ready to crush them!” CIA officials allegedly gave Trump a report code-named “Deep Cleanse” designed to flush out double-agents, and a source explains: “They’ve been working on it for months.” In other words, Obama’s administration has been working on it for months. But the Trump-loving ‘Enquirer’ could never praise Obama, so their headline proclaims: “Trump’s Islamic Spy Attack Plan Is A Go!” It’s revisionist history before it even happens - quite a neat trick.

Convicted killer and legendary “wall of sound” record producer Phil Spector “has only six weeks to live” claims the ‘Enquirer.’ Let the countdown begin! Meanwhile, the last time I looked Nick Nolte was still alive, even though the ‘Enquirer’ gave him four weeks to live way back in July. What’s taking him so long?

Among other fact-challenged reports, the ‘Enquirer’ claims that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s adopted sons Maddox and Pax may have to be returned to their biological parents after the celebrity couple’s split, Barack and Michelle Obama are divorcing, and Melissa McCarthy’s marriage is on the rocks because her husband Ben was seen talking with Jennifer Aniston, while the ‘Globe’ claims that Caitlyn Jenner is drowning “in a sea of booze.” Intriguing stories, lacking any evidence, but doubtless written because they just feel right, and that’s what’s important in modern journalism.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Busy Philipps wore it best, Katheryn Winnick (Who she, Ed?) carries mascara, fluffy socks and a Costco card in her Cambridge Satchel Company tote, that Elizabeth Hurley “used to want to be a nun,” and that the stars are just like us: they shop, play soccer, eat nachos and snap selfies. Revelatory, as usual.

As ever, the ‘National Examiner’ brings us word that alien life is trying to contact Earth, under the headline: “Scientists See the Light, And It’s Coming From E.T.!” It goes on to explain that “mysterious signals from the stars may prove aliens are trying to contact us!” Indeed, light pulses have been detected in the distant universe, which the ‘Examiner’ reports “looks like signals from extraterrestrial intelligence.” Or perhaps they’re not signaling Earth at all? Maybe it’s just a galactic-scale disco strobe light, or the finale of a Hotblack Desiato-fronted Disaster Area concert?

What are we coming to when the ‘National Enquirer’ accurately reports Donald Trump’s speech promising reforms in his “first 100 days” in office? They even add, in giant print on the front page, "in his own words” - because they know how rare it is for anyone quoted in the ‘Enquirer’ to actually be quoted correctly.

Of course, the Trump-supporting rag can’t resist gloating, putting it all beneath the cover headline: “We Told You So!”

How long can it be before the New York Times is reporting on Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie’s divorce, or Prince Harry’s latest girlfriend? Oh wait -- they’ve already done that.

But the ‘Enquirer’ can’t maintain its facade of accuracy for long, plunging headlong into a series of highly dubious fact-free zones. Princes Harry’s girlfriend, American actress Meghan Markle, is reportedly enduing a “Nude Photo Horror!” But it’s typical ‘Enquirer’ wishful thinking. Markle evidently told a humorous anecdote about skinny-dipping in a New Zealand lake one day in 2012, only to find that pranksters had stolen her clothes. “She’s panicked that the photos will be published,” raves the mag. Except there are no photos. Never were. There’s no suggestion that a single photo was snapped. No nude photo horror. No panic.

Actress Jennifer Garner is saving her troubled marriage to Ben Affleck by having a baby, reports the ‘Enquirer,’ for at least the second time this year. This is based on a photo that shows Garner is a loose-fitting shirt. Just like the photos of her six months ago in a loose sweater, when they also swore she was pregnant. This is one of those games where they will keep reporting she’s pregnant until one day she actually will be, and the ‘Enquirer’ will congratulate itself for always being right. “We were right Again, Again and Again!” the ‘Enquirer’ proclaims in this week’s issue, ignoring the times it was wrong about Ted Cruz’s father being involved in the assassination of John F Kennedy, or the Queen’s abdication, or actor Nick Nolte’s death -- the ‘Enquirer’ gave him “four weeks to live” many months ago and -- many, many other fantastical tales.

In a “custody bombshell,” the ‘Enquirer’ cover claims that “Brad’s secret tapes destroy crazy Angie!” The mag reports that Brad Pitt “has damaging tapes exposing her insane rages -- and sick sexual kinks.” But these aren’t tapes of Angelina Jolie behaving badly. The tapes -- if they even exist -- are allegedly recordings of Pitt complaining, made by Pitt’s “lifelong confidante, celebrity psychic Ron Bard.” Even if Bard decided to breach the confidentiality agreement he undoubtedly signed, such tapes would prove nothing more than Brad making unsubstantiated allegations about Angie. It’s proof of nothing, and would have no effect on their custody battle.

Best of all is the "Enquirer World Exclusive” offering a “jailhouse confession” by prison inmate Gary Olivia, who was reportedly “once a key suspect” in the murder of infant pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey, But despite the headline’s suggestion, he’s not confessing to killing the six-year-old. He simply “confesses” to having “partied” with her ghost, building a shrine to JonBenet in his cell, and allegedly admits that he is a “deranged pervert obsessed with the death of a small child.” Why would the ‘Enquirer’ publish the ramblings of a self-confessed deranged pervert in the first place? Because they can.

‘The Globe’ claims that TV’s ‘Crocodile Hunter’ Steve Irwin “committed suicide,” according to a "chilling new autopsy report.” But the ‘Globe’ story goes on to admit that there is no new autopsy, only the original one performed a decade ago. And claims that he was suicidal because of neck pain are not made in the coroner’s report, but dubiously come from an unnamed “insider.” Presumably Irwin was killed by a stingray that had been paid large sums of squid to hurl its barb into Irwin’s chest, because stingrays are the hitmen of the ocean. Right.

“Skinny Angelina” has been warned: “Eat Now or Die!” according to the ‘Globe,’ which claims the actress has dropped to 76 pounds, while in the same issue reporting that Pitt’s first wife Jennifer Aniston “gains 50 lbs!” If Pitt’s estranged wife would only eat all his ex-wife’s meals, perhaps they could both be fit and happy. Mel Gibson also “packs on 50 lbs” and “goes from hunk to chunk” says the ‘Globe,’ whose reporters are routinely recruited from State Fairs, where they work in 'Guess Your Weight’ booths.

“Oswald didn’t kill JFK!” screams the cover of the ‘National Examiner’ -- which would put Ted Cruz’s father in the clear -- claiming that it was a Castro hitman who killed the president. Presumably because Castro couldn’t pay a stingray enough to do the deed, due to the famous Cuban squid shortage of 1963.

Fortunately we have ‘Us’ magazine’s crack investigative team to tell us that Olivia Culpo wore it best, Christian Serratos carries a copy of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ lip balm and post-defecation fragrance “Poo-Pourri” in her Stella McCartney tote, and that the stars are just like us: they swim, they stretch before exercise, and “they hold onto their bags.” Yep, that’s the best caption they could come up with for a photo of Liev Schreiber "(wearing a Tiffany CT60 watch) headed to work in NYC Oct. 31.” Presumably because they rejected the caption: “The stars are just like us: They hate being photographed by strangers.”

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

What are we coming to when the ‘National Enquirer’ accurately reports Donald Trump’s speech promising reforms in his “first 100 days” in office? They even add, in giant print on the front page, "in his own words” - because they know how rare it is for anyone quoted in the ‘Enquirer’ to actually be quoted correctly.

Of course, the Trump-supporting rag can’t resist gloating, putting it all beneath the cover headline: “We Told You So!”

How long can it be before the New York Times is reporting on Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie’s divorce, or Prince Harry’s latest girlfriend? Oh wait -- they’ve already done that.

But the ‘Enquirer’ can’t maintain its facade of accuracy for long, plunging headlong into a series of highly dubious fact-free zones. Princes Harry’s girlfriend, American actress Meghan Markle, is reportedly enduing a “Nude Photo Horror!” But it’s typical ‘Enquirer’ wishful thinking. Markle evidently told a humorous anecdote about skinny-dipping in a New Zealand lake one day in 2012, only to find that pranksters had stolen her clothes. “She’s panicked that the photos will be published,” raves the mag. Except there are no photos. Never were. There’s no suggestion that a single photo was snapped. No nude photo horror. No panic.

Actress Jennifer Garner is saving her troubled marriage to Ben Affleck by having a baby, reports the ‘Enquirer,’ for at least the second time this year. This is based on a photo that shows Garner is a loose-fitting shirt. Just like the photos of her six months ago in a loose sweater, when they also swore she was pregnant. This is one of those games where they will keep reporting she’s pregnant until one day she actually will be, and the ‘Enquirer’ will congratulate itself for always being right. “We were right Again, Again and Again!” the ‘Enquirer’ proclaims in this week’s issue, ignoring the times it was wrong about Ted Cruz’s father being involved in the assassination of John F Kennedy, or the Queen’s abdication, or actor Nick Nolte’s death -- the ‘Enquirer’ gave him “four weeks to live” many months ago and -- many, many other fantastical tales.

In a “custody bombshell,” the ‘Enquirer’ cover claims that “Brad’s secret tapes destroy crazy Angie!” The mag reports that Brad Pitt “has damaging tapes exposing her insane rages -- and sick sexual kinks.” But these aren’t tapes of Angelina Jolie behaving badly. The tapes -- if they even exist -- are allegedly recordings of Pitt complaining, made by Pitt’s “lifelong confidante, celebrity psychic Ron Bard.” Even if Bard decided to breach the confidentiality agreement he undoubtedly signed, such tapes would prove nothing more than Brad making unsubstantiated allegations about Angie. It’s proof of nothing, and would have no effect on their custody battle.

Best of all is the "Enquirer World Exclusive” offering a “jailhouse confession” by prison inmate Gary Olivia, who was reportedly “once a key suspect” in the murder of infant pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey, But despite the headline’s suggestion, he’s not confessing to killing the six-year-old. He simply “confesses” to having “partied” with her ghost, building a shrine to JonBenet in his cell, and allegedly admits that he is a “deranged pervert obsessed with the death of a small child.” Why would the ‘Enquirer’ publish the ramblings of a self-confessed deranged pervert in the first place? Because they can.

‘The Globe’ claims that TV’s ‘Crocodile Hunter’ Steve Irwin “committed suicide,” according to a "chilling new autopsy report.” But the ‘Globe’ story goes on to admit that there is no new autopsy, only the original one performed a decade ago. And claims that he was suicidal because of neck pain are not made in the coroner’s report, but dubiously come from an unnamed “insider.” Presumably Irwin was killed by a stingray that had been paid large sums of squid to hurl its barb into Irwin’s chest, because stingrays are the hitmen of the ocean. Right.

“Skinny Angelina” has been warned: “Eat Now or Die!” according to the ‘Globe,’ which claims the actress has dropped to 76 pounds, while in the same issue reporting that Pitt’s first wife Jennifer Aniston “gains 50 lbs!” If Pitt’s estranged wife would only eat all his ex-wife’s meals, perhaps they could both be fit and happy. Mel Gibson also “packs on 50 lbs” and “goes from hunk to chunk” says the ‘Globe,’ whose reporters are routinely recruited from State Fairs, where they work in 'Guess Your Weight’ booths.

“Oswald didn’t kill JFK!” screams the cover of the ‘National Examiner’ -- which would put Ted Cruz’s father in the clear -- claiming that it was a Castro hitman who killed the president. Presumably because Castro couldn’t pay a stingray enough to do the deed, due to the famous Cuban squid shortage of 1963.

Fortunately we have ‘Us’ magazine’s crack investigative team to tell us that Olivia Culpo wore it best, Christian Serratos carries a copy of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ lip balm and post-defecation fragrance “Poo-Pourri” in her Stella McCartney tote, and that the stars are just like us: they swim, they stretch before exercise, and “they hold onto their bags.” Yep, that’s the best caption they could come up with for a photo of Liev Schreiber "(wearing a Tiffany CT60 watch) headed to work in NYC Oct. 31.” Presumably because they rejected the caption: “The stars are just like us: They hate being photographed by strangers.”

Now that all that election nonsense is behind us, let’s get back to what really matters in the world: Prince Charles has seized the British throne in a palace coup, Michael Jackson is having his first grandchild, Tom Cruise has a "$1 billion Doomsday bunker,” and U.S. Special Forces have killed a 15-ft tall red-haired giant in Afghanistan.

It’s business as usual in this week’s factually-challenged tabloids, getting back to the truly important world issues: the love lives of the stars. As the nation draws together in a spirit of post-electoral reconciliation, so the tabloids are hoping that shattered celebrity couples will reunite: The ‘National Enquirer’ claims that Gwyneth Paltrow wants to “get back with rocker ex” Chris Martin, and also that Drew Barrymore “pleads with her ex to come back.” Love is clearly in the air, as the ‘Enquirer’ reports that Madonna’s son Rocco is picking a new mate for his material mother, Prince Harry wants to show American actress girlfriend Meghan Markle his mother’s grave because it is his “most cherished place on Earth” (and what girl can resist a romantic trip to a cemetery?) and singer Mariah Carey is recovering after being dumped by fiancé James Packer by partying all over town with a “new boy toy” - though at 33 years old, dancer Bryan Tanaka may not take kindly to such a characterization.

And let’s remember: The ‘Enquirer’ was one of the most vocal supporters of Donald Trump, so if they got that right then maybe the rest of their stories aren’t the vacuous drivel they at first appear.

Has Prince Charles seized the throne, as the ‘Globe’ proclaims on its cover? If you missed the TV images of tanks rolling into Buckingham Palace and armed guards storming Windsor Castle, that’s because it never happened. Elizabeth is still Queen of the (unraveling and discordant yet still allegedly) United Kingdom. Amusingly, the ‘Globe’ reports that Charles has usurped his son in the race for the throne, claiming “Will & Kate stripped of power.” But for months the ‘Globe’ has been the only publication worldwide which has failed to understand that Charles is the Queen’s heir and will inherit the crown, and he needs no “palace coup” to remain as next in line for the monarchy. “Queen to be exiled,” adds the ‘Globe’ for good measure, suggesting that she is virtually under lock and key at Balmoral Castle in Scotland. While the Queen loves to holiday at Balmoral each summer, don’t expect her to endure a Scottish winter there - which means we can expect future ‘Globe’ headlines about the Queen overthrowing Prince Charles and escaping her gilded cage. Who writes this stuff?
Is Michael Jackson having his first grandchild, eight years after his death? And who’s the proud parent: 19-year-old Prince? Paris, aged 18? Maybe 14-year-old Blanket? None of the above. The father is allegedly Brandon Howard, who claims to have DNA proof that he is the gloved one’s son. An unidentified pregnant woman claims that she is carrying Brandon’s child - though she still needs to undergo DNA testing to prove Brandon's paternity. Pending DNA testing, this story is the very definition of “half-baked."

Not that the tabloids have forgotten politics in this crucial week. “Hillary’s brain is about to EXPLODE!” yells the ‘Globe,’ reporting that “shocking scans” reveal that “her skull contains a ticking time bomb that could kill her at any moment.” Has the ‘Globe’ team of highly trained medical reporters carefully scrutinized Hillary’s brain scans? Of course not. But they did show a doctor the brain scans of another patient “stricken with the same damage Hillary suffered after plunging down a flight of stairs and suffering a serious concussion in 2012.” Because that’s how the best doctors deliver a prognosis: by looking at the results of other patients’ tests. Hillary Clinton and aide Huma Abedin are “Going To Jail!” screams the ‘Enquirer’ cover, which proudly reports on Vladimir “Putin’s spy files” - which must surely be accurate and undoctored - allegedly showing evidence of a cover-up, and raising questions about Clinton’s health. Expect more Russian revelations in coming months as the Trump-loving ‘National Enquirer’ changes its name to the ‘National Pravda.’

Has Tom Cruise built a $1 billion doomsday bunker, as the ‘Enquirer’ reports? Well, the alleged bunker (if it exists) is actually owned by the Church of Scientology, and Cruise has reportedly given the cult $10 million - not exactly $1 billion - in donations, claims the mag. As proof of the supposed bunker’s existence, the ‘Enquirer’ publishes a photo of a small group of houses in the New Mexico desert. Huh? The ‘Enquirer’ explains: “ . . . the vault is masked by houses designed to appear like a suburban neighborhood.” Great disguise. The giant nuclear fallout shelter looks just like suburban sprawl. It’s such a convincing cover, the story must be true.

As must the ‘National Examiner’ story about the red-haired giant slain by Special Forces in Afghanistan, after reportedly killing a soldier. This allegedly occurred in 2002, when the 1,100-pound dead “creature” was flown to a U.S. base in Ohio. And there the mystery deepens, because the giant's death was apparently covered up, and there remains no official record of it ever existing. Thank goodness we have the ‘Examiner’ to preserve the historical record.

'Us' magazine brings us the real-life horror of Kim Kardashian’s days living “in fear” following her recent Paris robbery, revealing her “daily therapy, intense security,” and the horror of a life in "social media silence.” Kim even evaded the paparazzi and entered her sister Kendall Jenner’s 21st birthday party by a side door. Oh, the humanity.

Fortunately we have Us magazine’s crack investigative team to inform us that Hillary Duff wore it best, actress Italia Ricci carries dill-pickle sunflower seeds, cheap plastic reading glasses and pens stolen from hotels in her Louis Vuitton purse, and that the stars are just like us: they walk their dogs, buy ice, eat pickles and swim with dolphins. Wait, what? Do dolphins really like chilled pickle-eating celebrities? Enquiring minds want to know.

Onwards and downwards . . . ]]>

Now that all that election nonsense is behind us, let’s get back to what really matters in the world: Prince Charles has seized the British throne in a palace coup, Michael Jackson is having his first grandchild, Tom Cruise has a "$1 billion Doomsday bunker,” and U.S. Special Forces have killed a 15-ft tall red-haired giant in Afghanistan.

It’s business as usual in this week’s factually-challenged tabloids, getting back to the truly important world issues: the love lives of the stars. As the nation draws together in a spirit of post-electoral reconciliation, so the tabloids are hoping that shattered celebrity couples will reunite: The ‘National Enquirer’ claims that Gwyneth Paltrow wants to “get back with rocker ex” Chris Martin, and also that Drew Barrymore “pleads with her ex to come back.” Love is clearly in the air, as the ‘Enquirer’ reports that Madonna’s son Rocco is picking a new mate for his material mother, Prince Harry wants to show American actress girlfriend Meghan Markle his mother’s grave because it is his “most cherished place on Earth” (and what girl can resist a romantic trip to a cemetery?) and singer Mariah Carey is recovering after being dumped by fiancé James Packer by partying all over town with a “new boy toy” - though at 33 years old, dancer Bryan Tanaka may not take kindly to such a characterization.

And let’s remember: The ‘Enquirer’ was one of the most vocal supporters of Donald Trump, so if they got that right then maybe the rest of their stories aren’t the vacuous drivel they at first appear.

Has Prince Charles seized the throne, as the ‘Globe’ proclaims on its cover? If you missed the TV images of tanks rolling into Buckingham Palace and armed guards storming Windsor Castle, that’s because it never happened. Elizabeth is still Queen of the (unraveling and discordant yet still allegedly) United Kingdom. Amusingly, the ‘Globe’ reports that Charles has usurped his son in the race for the throne, claiming “Will & Kate stripped of power.” But for months the ‘Globe’ has been the only publication worldwide which has failed to understand that Charles is the Queen’s heir and will inherit the crown, and he needs no “palace coup” to remain as next in line for the monarchy. “Queen to be exiled,” adds the ‘Globe’ for good measure, suggesting that she is virtually under lock and key at Balmoral Castle in Scotland. While the Queen loves to holiday at Balmoral each summer, don’t expect her to endure a Scottish winter there - which means we can expect future ‘Globe’ headlines about the Queen overthrowing Prince Charles and escaping her gilded cage. Who writes this stuff?
Is Michael Jackson having his first grandchild, eight years after his death? And who’s the proud parent: 19-year-old Prince? Paris, aged 18? Maybe 14-year-old Blanket? None of the above. The father is allegedly Brandon Howard, who claims to have DNA proof that he is the gloved one’s son. An unidentified pregnant woman claims that she is carrying Brandon’s child - though she still needs to undergo DNA testing to prove Brandon's paternity. Pending DNA testing, this story is the very definition of “half-baked."

Not that the tabloids have forgotten politics in this crucial week. “Hillary’s brain is about to EXPLODE!” yells the ‘Globe,’ reporting that “shocking scans” reveal that “her skull contains a ticking time bomb that could kill her at any moment.” Has the ‘Globe’ team of highly trained medical reporters carefully scrutinized Hillary’s brain scans? Of course not. But they did show a doctor the brain scans of another patient “stricken with the same damage Hillary suffered after plunging down a flight of stairs and suffering a serious concussion in 2012.” Because that’s how the best doctors deliver a prognosis: by looking at the results of other patients’ tests. Hillary Clinton and aide Huma Abedin are “Going To Jail!” screams the ‘Enquirer’ cover, which proudly reports on Vladimir “Putin’s spy files” - which must surely be accurate and undoctored - allegedly showing evidence of a cover-up, and raising questions about Clinton’s health. Expect more Russian revelations in coming months as the Trump-loving ‘National Enquirer’ changes its name to the ‘National Pravda.’

Has Tom Cruise built a $1 billion doomsday bunker, as the ‘Enquirer’ reports? Well, the alleged bunker (if it exists) is actually owned by the Church of Scientology, and Cruise has reportedly given the cult $10 million - not exactly $1 billion - in donations, claims the mag. As proof of the supposed bunker’s existence, the ‘Enquirer’ publishes a photo of a small group of houses in the New Mexico desert. Huh? The ‘Enquirer’ explains: “ . . . the vault is masked by houses designed to appear like a suburban neighborhood.” Great disguise. The giant nuclear fallout shelter looks just like suburban sprawl. It’s such a convincing cover, the story must be true.

As must the ‘National Examiner’ story about the red-haired giant slain by Special Forces in Afghanistan, after reportedly killing a soldier. This allegedly occurred in 2002, when the 1,100-pound dead “creature” was flown to a U.S. base in Ohio. And there the mystery deepens, because the giant's death was apparently covered up, and there remains no official record of it ever existing. Thank goodness we have the ‘Examiner’ to preserve the historical record.

'Us' magazine brings us the real-life horror of Kim Kardashian’s days living “in fear” following her recent Paris robbery, revealing her “daily therapy, intense security,” and the horror of a life in "social media silence.” Kim even evaded the paparazzi and entered her sister Kendall Jenner’s 21st birthday party by a side door. Oh, the humanity.

Fortunately we have Us magazine’s crack investigative team to inform us that Hillary Duff wore it best, actress Italia Ricci carries dill-pickle sunflower seeds, cheap plastic reading glasses and pens stolen from hotels in her Louis Vuitton purse, and that the stars are just like us: they walk their dogs, buy ice, eat pickles and swim with dolphins. Wait, what? Do dolphins really like chilled pickle-eating celebrities? Enquiring minds want to know.

As Country Joe and the Fish once sang: “There ain’t no time to wonder why, whoopee, we’re all going to die.”

That’s the cheering message at the heart of yet another week of dispassionate, balanced and fair political reporting from the ‘Globe.'
“World War 3,” thunders its cover. “Doomsday if Hillary wins the White House.”

Better duck and cover if you plan to vote for Mrs. Clinton, warns the mag.

“Russian nukes ready to launch,” a headline screams. But hang on a sec - Russian nuclear weapons have been ready to launch for decades. Nothing new there. Oh, but there is, says the ‘Globe’ - “Clinton gave Putin Nuke That Can Wipe Out Texas!” As if she had a spare H-bomb laying around, and handed to Putin on a visit to Moscow while he gave her a set of nesting dolls and a bottle of vodka. The worst deal ever, as Donald Trump might say. Russia had enough nuclear weapons to wipe out Texas and the rest of the nation long before Clinton approved the sale of a U.S. uranium mining company, giving Russia access to 20 per cent of the uranium mined in America. And Clinton was only one part of the approving committee, which included the Secretaries of Defense, Homeland Security, Commerce, Energy and the Treasury. And Clinton could not have stopped the sale if she wanted to - only the President could make that decision, while she was merely Secretary of State. But as far as the ‘Globe’ is concerned, Hillary Clinton is responsible for all the world’s evils, and gleefully reports: “Clueless Hillary would trigger World War 3 if she wins presidency.”

What’s the solution, you wonder?

The ‘Globe’ helpfully explains: “Now only Donald Trump can stop the certain nuclear exchange between America and the Russians!”

The ‘National Enquirer’ opts for a more measured, restrained approach on this week’s cover: “Hillary: Corrupt! Racist! Criminal.”
Far more interesting - though perhaps no less fanciful - is the mag’s “special investigation” into “The Stars’ Secret Sex Club,” reportedly an ‘Eyes Wide Shut’-style upscale orgy “for Tinseltown heavyweights.” It’s the monthly staging of Snctm, a members-only Los Angeles gathering described by its hosts as “erotic theatre,” and which was previously profiled by Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop, which makes the ‘Enquirer’ seem rather lame in following up such a source.

Most entertaining is the ‘Enquirer’ spread on Hillary Clinton’s alleged "Mr. Fix-It,” self-proclaimed bagman Jeff Rovin, who produces pages of his decades-old diaries as “proof” of Hillary plotting to kill harmful news reports about her and husband Bill. But the diary pages prove only that the allegations are the product of a cluttered mind, filled with disorganized scrawl, scribbled notes, random thoughts and illegible entries roughly crossed out.

As for “Hillary’s ’N’ Word Rant,” the ‘Enquirer quotes chef Tracey Martin claiming to have heard Mrs. Clinton rage after a plate of cookies were slow to appear at a tea party, until finally served by an African American waiter, prompting her to allegedly proclaim: “What’s that n—— doing in here?” Which admittedly seems a strange reaction to delayed cookie gratification. “It’s all true,” declares the ‘Enquirer,’ which assures readers that Martin “passed the National Enquirer lie detector” - even though polygraphs have been widely discredited, and are only accepted as court evidence in certain states.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Jessie James Decker wore it best, actress Brenda Song carries a toothbrush, toothpaste and Tylenol in her Alexander Wang tote, and that the stars are just like us: they bite their nails, exercise outside and eat pasta. Britain’s Prince Harry’s “secret romance” with ‘Suits’ actress Meghan Markle dominates the cover of ‘Us’ mag, but excitement over impending wedding bells may be premature. They have reportedly been dating for just two months, and ‘Us’ helpfully points out that Prince William dated his future wife Kate Middleton for six years before she was allowed to meet the Queen. In other words: Don’t go printing those Royal Wedding mugs just yet.

‘People’ magazine devotes its cover to Jon Bon Jovi telling “My untold story,” which lamentably remains untold no longer. “Still married to his high school sweetheart,” adds a cover headline, greatly spoiling the surprise of the untold story within. Bon Jovi pushes Hillary Clinton off the cover, and ‘People’ mag’s four-page softball interview with the Democratic presidential candidate is notable mainly for Hillary’s use of the phrase “Holy Moly!” as an exclamation of surprise, presumably because she believes she’s a 1940s comic-book character and couldn’t bring herself to use the n-word in front of ‘People’ reporters, who presumably served her cookies with appropriate speed.

Leave it up to the ‘National Examiner’ to warn of a coming “Martian Attack,” though it admits that the alien invasion “will start small.” The mag is worried that NASA’s mission to Mars could return with “nasty microbes wreaking havoc,” though as anyone who has read ‘War of the Worlds’ knows, any microscopic alien invaders will be killed by the common cold virus, or maybe simply wiped out when Russia nukes America on November 9 after Hillary is elected.

Onwards and downwards . . . ]]>

As Country Joe and the Fish once sang: “There ain’t no time to wonder why, whoopee, we’re all going to die.”

That’s the cheering message at the heart of yet another week of dispassionate, balanced and fair political reporting from the ‘Globe.'
“World War 3,” thunders its cover. “Doomsday if Hillary wins the White House.”

Better duck and cover if you plan to vote for Mrs. Clinton, warns the mag.

“Russian nukes ready to launch,” a headline screams. But hang on a sec - Russian nuclear weapons have been ready to launch for decades. Nothing new there. Oh, but there is, says the ‘Globe’ - “Clinton gave Putin Nuke That Can Wipe Out Texas!” As if she had a spare H-bomb laying around, and handed to Putin on a visit to Moscow while he gave her a set of nesting dolls and a bottle of vodka. The worst deal ever, as Donald Trump might say. Russia had enough nuclear weapons to wipe out Texas and the rest of the nation long before Clinton approved the sale of a U.S. uranium mining company, giving Russia access to 20 per cent of the uranium mined in America. And Clinton was only one part of the approving committee, which included the Secretaries of Defense, Homeland Security, Commerce, Energy and the Treasury. And Clinton could not have stopped the sale if she wanted to - only the President could make that decision, while she was merely Secretary of State. But as far as the ‘Globe’ is concerned, Hillary Clinton is responsible for all the world’s evils, and gleefully reports: “Clueless Hillary would trigger World War 3 if she wins presidency.”

What’s the solution, you wonder?

The ‘Globe’ helpfully explains: “Now only Donald Trump can stop the certain nuclear exchange between America and the Russians!”

The ‘National Enquirer’ opts for a more measured, restrained approach on this week’s cover: “Hillary: Corrupt! Racist! Criminal.”
Far more interesting - though perhaps no less fanciful - is the mag’s “special investigation” into “The Stars’ Secret Sex Club,” reportedly an ‘Eyes Wide Shut’-style upscale orgy “for Tinseltown heavyweights.” It’s the monthly staging of Snctm, a members-only Los Angeles gathering described by its hosts as “erotic theatre,” and which was previously profiled by Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop, which makes the ‘Enquirer’ seem rather lame in following up such a source.

Most entertaining is the ‘Enquirer’ spread on Hillary Clinton’s alleged "Mr. Fix-It,” self-proclaimed bagman Jeff Rovin, who produces pages of his decades-old diaries as “proof” of Hillary plotting to kill harmful news reports about her and husband Bill. But the diary pages prove only that the allegations are the product of a cluttered mind, filled with disorganized scrawl, scribbled notes, random thoughts and illegible entries roughly crossed out.

As for “Hillary’s ’N’ Word Rant,” the ‘Enquirer quotes chef Tracey Martin claiming to have heard Mrs. Clinton rage after a plate of cookies were slow to appear at a tea party, until finally served by an African American waiter, prompting her to allegedly proclaim: “What’s that n—— doing in here?” Which admittedly seems a strange reaction to delayed cookie gratification. “It’s all true,” declares the ‘Enquirer,’ which assures readers that Martin “passed the National Enquirer lie detector” - even though polygraphs have been widely discredited, and are only accepted as court evidence in certain states.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Jessie James Decker wore it best, actress Brenda Song carries a toothbrush, toothpaste and Tylenol in her Alexander Wang tote, and that the stars are just like us: they bite their nails, exercise outside and eat pasta. Britain’s Prince Harry’s “secret romance” with ‘Suits’ actress Meghan Markle dominates the cover of ‘Us’ mag, but excitement over impending wedding bells may be premature. They have reportedly been dating for just two months, and ‘Us’ helpfully points out that Prince William dated his future wife Kate Middleton for six years before she was allowed to meet the Queen. In other words: Don’t go printing those Royal Wedding mugs just yet.

‘People’ magazine devotes its cover to Jon Bon Jovi telling “My untold story,” which lamentably remains untold no longer. “Still married to his high school sweetheart,” adds a cover headline, greatly spoiling the surprise of the untold story within. Bon Jovi pushes Hillary Clinton off the cover, and ‘People’ mag’s four-page softball interview with the Democratic presidential candidate is notable mainly for Hillary’s use of the phrase “Holy Moly!” as an exclamation of surprise, presumably because she believes she’s a 1940s comic-book character and couldn’t bring herself to use the n-word in front of ‘People’ reporters, who presumably served her cookies with appropriate speed.

Leave it up to the ‘National Examiner’ to warn of a coming “Martian Attack,” though it admits that the alien invasion “will start small.” The mag is worried that NASA’s mission to Mars could return with “nasty microbes wreaking havoc,” though as anyone who has read ‘War of the Worlds’ knows, any microscopic alien invaders will be killed by the common cold virus, or maybe simply wiped out when Russia nukes America on November 9 after Hillary is elected.

We’ve come to a pretty pass when the ‘National Examiner’ report that “Frozen Zombie Killers Coming to Life” is actually one of the more accurate stories in this week’s tabloids.

Never letting the facts get in the way of a good story, the ‘Globe’ cover hails its “world exclusive” story: “Whitney Houston Exhumed!” Hardly surprising it’s a world exclusive, since the late singer has not been exhumed, as we learn inside the ‘Globe,’ under its pleading headline: “Dig Up Whitney’s Body!” Evidently “legal experts” are calling for her exhumation to prove that Houston’s 2012 drowning death was murder. Except their “legal expert” is actually a tame “Hollywood private eye."

Rachel Ray now reportedly weighs 277 pounds and has been ordered by doctors: “Diet or Die!” according to the serial fat-shaming ‘Globe,’ whose cover screams that she is “Eating Herself to Death!” At least she’s a celebrity TV chef, so she should have fun doing it. Did the ‘Globe’ team of highly-trained medical reporters put her on a scale, or hack her latest cholesterol test? Of course not. They simply eyeballed it, like “I Guess Your Weight” hucksters at a county fair. And they found a doctor "who has not treated her” to warn: “The excess pounds she’s now carrying bring the definite possibility of high cholesterol, diabetes, heart failure or even cancer.” What about hypertension, stroke, gallbladder disease, osteoarthritis, breathing difficulties, infertility and sleep apnea? Why not throw the whole medical dictionary at Rachel Ray, because she’s no longer rail thin? I’m only surprised that the ‘Globe’ didn’t adopt its usual approach to celebrity health and warn that Rachel Ray has only weeks to live. Which reminds me - Nick Nolte is still alive and kicking, more than two months after the ‘Globe’ assured us he would die. Can it be long before the ‘Globe’ editorial board put out a “hit” on Nolte, if he keeps flaunting their reports of his imminent demise?

Singer Cher is another star the ‘Globe’ keeps telling us is at death’s door, yet who refuses to believe her own press. She went and ruined the weeks-to-live narrative by announcing a major concert tour, launching in February. Undaunted, the ‘Globe’ this week tells us that Cher is “calling it quits” - after her tour is over. As if.

The Donald Trump-loving ‘National Enquirer’ continues its fair and balanced election coverage with this week’s cover proclaiming: “Hillary Blackmailed FBI to Kill Corruption Probe!” The Democratic presidential candidate allegedly dug up dirt on investigators to kill the Whitewater probe two decades ago. That must be why nobody has ever heard of the Whitewater investigation and it disappeared without trace. Right. An unnamed “White House insider” reportedly “made calls to people” to “silence witnesses and bury evidence.” And Hillary ordered this alleged cover-up? Well, no. Supposedly it was “contacts in the White House who worked for Deputy White House Chief of Staff Harold Ickes.”

Close enough. I’m sure that will stand up in court when President Trump brings Hillary to trial.

Medical stories dominate the tabloids, such as the ‘Enquirer’ claim that singer Britney Spears “tweaks her twin peaks!” which is their 8th-grade way of saying she has had breast reconstructive surgery. Except she hasn’t. As the story later admits: “. . . she’s dying to undergo major nipple and areola rejuvenation.” Because in the tabloid world the Thought Police have jurisdiction, and Britney is guilty as charged - assuming she’s even thinking about it.

‘Us’ magazine’s cover claims that Tom Cruise is “Choosing Scientology Over Suri,” explaining that a five-day visit in July with his daughter was the star’s first contact in months. I’m no apologist for that dangerously misguided cult, but the story begs questions that ‘Us’ fails to address. Clearly Cruise could be spending more time with his ten-year-old child, but ‘Us’ mag seems to have opted for the easy explanation, without asking what other dynamics might be in play. Is he choosing Scientology, or is he choosing work? In the four years since splitting with wife Katie Holmes, Cruise has filmed six movies in locations from Iceland to Louisiana, and has two lined up for next year. Does Cruise not want Suri with him on film sets, where she could spend lonely hours in double-wide trailers waiting for him? If Suri has been branded a “suppressive person” by Scientology authorities, as ‘Us’ implies, surely Cruise wouldn’t be permitted to spend any time with her, let alone five days. Does Katie Holmes want Cruise to see Suri, or is she limiting Cruise’s parental visits? Does Cruise think his daughter will fare better with a stable home life rather than being shunted back and forth between warring exes? These are hard questions; it’s no wonder that ‘Us’ avoids them.

Fortunately, we have the crack investigative reporting team at ‘Us’ mag to tell us that ‘The View’ cohost Joy Behar makes a “fabulous lasagna” and has “gorgeous feet,” that Rumer Willis carries knitting needles and yarn, melatonin-tinged water, and lip balm in her Cleobella tote, and that the stars are just like us: they sip boba tea, play golf, and (assuming that His Holiness the Pope is a “star”) play foosball.

‘People’ magazine devotes its cover and five pages inside to the “Hunt for the Long Island Serial Killer." The shocking story of ten women whose bodies were found buried along New York’s Gilgo Beach was horrifying when they were discovered in 2010 and 2011. But what makes them such big breaking news five years later? Perhaps it’s because, by some wild one-in-a-million coincidence, the murders are also the subject of a two-part TV special airing next month, produced by . . . ‘People’ magazine.

Which brings us back to the "frozen zombie killers coming to life,” for as the ‘National Examiner’ explains: “As Earth warms, deadly prehistoric viruses are unleashed on humanity!” And that’s not terribly far from the facts. Global warming thawing the Arctic tundra has caused an epidemic among Siberian nomadic herders, hospitalized by an Anthrax outbreak that scientists believe was unleashed by rising temperatures. Anthrax spores can survive frozen in human and animal remains for centuries - undead, like the bacterial version of zombies - and the ‘Examiner’ rightly reports: “There are other pathogens out there, too.” Admittedly, the tabloid’s photo of an actor in full zombie make-up, blood-spattered with rotting flesh, broken teeth and lividity-dappled skin implies that it’s human zombies rising from the grave, but let’s give credit where it’s due to a rare accurate story in this week’s tabloids.

Onwards and downwards . . . ]]>

We’ve come to a pretty pass when the ‘National Examiner’ report that “Frozen Zombie Killers Coming to Life” is actually one of the more accurate stories in this week’s tabloids.

Never letting the facts get in the way of a good story, the ‘Globe’ cover hails its “world exclusive” story: “Whitney Houston Exhumed!” Hardly surprising it’s a world exclusive, since the late singer has not been exhumed, as we learn inside the ‘Globe,’ under its pleading headline: “Dig Up Whitney’s Body!” Evidently “legal experts” are calling for her exhumation to prove that Houston’s 2012 drowning death was murder. Except their “legal expert” is actually a tame “Hollywood private eye."

Rachel Ray now reportedly weighs 277 pounds and has been ordered by doctors: “Diet or Die!” according to the serial fat-shaming ‘Globe,’ whose cover screams that she is “Eating Herself to Death!” At least she’s a celebrity TV chef, so she should have fun doing it. Did the ‘Globe’ team of highly-trained medical reporters put her on a scale, or hack her latest cholesterol test? Of course not. They simply eyeballed it, like “I Guess Your Weight” hucksters at a county fair. And they found a doctor "who has not treated her” to warn: “The excess pounds she’s now carrying bring the definite possibility of high cholesterol, diabetes, heart failure or even cancer.” What about hypertension, stroke, gallbladder disease, osteoarthritis, breathing difficulties, infertility and sleep apnea? Why not throw the whole medical dictionary at Rachel Ray, because she’s no longer rail thin? I’m only surprised that the ‘Globe’ didn’t adopt its usual approach to celebrity health and warn that Rachel Ray has only weeks to live. Which reminds me - Nick Nolte is still alive and kicking, more than two months after the ‘Globe’ assured us he would die. Can it be long before the ‘Globe’ editorial board put out a “hit” on Nolte, if he keeps flaunting their reports of his imminent demise?

Singer Cher is another star the ‘Globe’ keeps telling us is at death’s door, yet who refuses to believe her own press. She went and ruined the weeks-to-live narrative by announcing a major concert tour, launching in February. Undaunted, the ‘Globe’ this week tells us that Cher is “calling it quits” - after her tour is over. As if.

The Donald Trump-loving ‘National Enquirer’ continues its fair and balanced election coverage with this week’s cover proclaiming: “Hillary Blackmailed FBI to Kill Corruption Probe!” The Democratic presidential candidate allegedly dug up dirt on investigators to kill the Whitewater probe two decades ago. That must be why nobody has ever heard of the Whitewater investigation and it disappeared without trace. Right. An unnamed “White House insider” reportedly “made calls to people” to “silence witnesses and bury evidence.” And Hillary ordered this alleged cover-up? Well, no. Supposedly it was “contacts in the White House who worked for Deputy White House Chief of Staff Harold Ickes.”

Close enough. I’m sure that will stand up in court when President Trump brings Hillary to trial.

Medical stories dominate the tabloids, such as the ‘Enquirer’ claim that singer Britney Spears “tweaks her twin peaks!” which is their 8th-grade way of saying she has had breast reconstructive surgery. Except she hasn’t. As the story later admits: “. . . she’s dying to undergo major nipple and areola rejuvenation.” Because in the tabloid world the Thought Police have jurisdiction, and Britney is guilty as charged - assuming she’s even thinking about it.

‘Us’ magazine’s cover claims that Tom Cruise is “Choosing Scientology Over Suri,” explaining that a five-day visit in July with his daughter was the star’s first contact in months. I’m no apologist for that dangerously misguided cult, but the story begs questions that ‘Us’ fails to address. Clearly Cruise could be spending more time with his ten-year-old child, but ‘Us’ mag seems to have opted for the easy explanation, without asking what other dynamics might be in play. Is he choosing Scientology, or is he choosing work? In the four years since splitting with wife Katie Holmes, Cruise has filmed six movies in locations from Iceland to Louisiana, and has two lined up for next year. Does Cruise not want Suri with him on film sets, where she could spend lonely hours in double-wide trailers waiting for him? If Suri has been branded a “suppressive person” by Scientology authorities, as ‘Us’ implies, surely Cruise wouldn’t be permitted to spend any time with her, let alone five days. Does Katie Holmes want Cruise to see Suri, or is she limiting Cruise’s parental visits? Does Cruise think his daughter will fare better with a stable home life rather than being shunted back and forth between warring exes? These are hard questions; it’s no wonder that ‘Us’ avoids them.

Fortunately, we have the crack investigative reporting team at ‘Us’ mag to tell us that ‘The View’ cohost Joy Behar makes a “fabulous lasagna” and has “gorgeous feet,” that Rumer Willis carries knitting needles and yarn, melatonin-tinged water, and lip balm in her Cleobella tote, and that the stars are just like us: they sip boba tea, play golf, and (assuming that His Holiness the Pope is a “star”) play foosball.

‘People’ magazine devotes its cover and five pages inside to the “Hunt for the Long Island Serial Killer." The shocking story of ten women whose bodies were found buried along New York’s Gilgo Beach was horrifying when they were discovered in 2010 and 2011. But what makes them such big breaking news five years later? Perhaps it’s because, by some wild one-in-a-million coincidence, the murders are also the subject of a two-part TV special airing next month, produced by . . . ‘People’ magazine.

Which brings us back to the "frozen zombie killers coming to life,” for as the ‘National Examiner’ explains: “As Earth warms, deadly prehistoric viruses are unleashed on humanity!” And that’s not terribly far from the facts. Global warming thawing the Arctic tundra has caused an epidemic among Siberian nomadic herders, hospitalized by an Anthrax outbreak that scientists believe was unleashed by rising temperatures. Anthrax spores can survive frozen in human and animal remains for centuries - undead, like the bacterial version of zombies - and the ‘Examiner’ rightly reports: “There are other pathogens out there, too.” Admittedly, the tabloid’s photo of an actor in full zombie make-up, blood-spattered with rotting flesh, broken teeth and lividity-dappled skin implies that it’s human zombies rising from the grave, but let’s give credit where it’s due to a rare accurate story in this week’s tabloids.

Last June, the Economist ran this chart: "Lies, Damned Lies, and Directives," which documents decades of flat-out lies about EU regulations that were published in the tabloid press (many invented by the UK's post-Brexit foreign minister and Trumpian hairclown Boris Johnson, whose press colleagues considered him most reckless confabulist on European matters in their ranks).
(more…)

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Last June, the Economist ran this chart: "Lies, Damned Lies, and Directives," which documents decades of flat-out lies about EU regulations that were published in the tabloid press (many invented by the UK's post-Brexit foreign minister and Trumpian hairclown Boris Johnson, whose press colleagues considered him most reckless confabulist on European matters in their ranks).
(more…)

“Fight off the zombie hordes!” cries a full-page ad in this week’s ‘National Enquirer,’ featuring a hand-crafted and hand-painted shattered human skull with a bloody axe embedded in its cranium.

It’s a Halloween decoration that makes a pleasant change from the truly frightening usual ads offering ceramic angels, silver pendants to show how much you love your granddaughter, and life-like Princess Diana figurines.

But it’s also the perfect gift for ‘Enquirer’ readers who by now may be fearing a zombie invasion as the inevitable outcome of this year’s presidential election if “crooked Hillary Clinton” wins the Oval Office, having been fed a diet of panicked warnings by the magazine. This week the ‘Enquirer’ does its bit to ramp up the fear level with “the explosive story that will change the election,” bringing us ten pages exposing “24 years of cover-ups and crimes” by Hillary. A “hitman” for Hillary tells the ‘Enquirer’ how he was allegedly ordered to destroy Bill Clinton’s sex victims, bribe reporters to hide the truth, hide her sleazy affairs and pay hush money to hookers. Alas, none of the allegations is backed by anything that rises to the level of proof, or has corroboration from any additional sources than its unnamed “Mr. Fit-It."

“Hillary’s Plot to Kill Monica!” is a great headline spread over two pages, but the article includes not one mention of a plot to assassinate former White House intern Monica Lewinsky. Claims that the White House was doing its own investigation on Lewinsky are hardly new or surprising. Among the “fixes” allegedly arranged: encouraging a well-known columnist to “write positively about the Clintons” in exchange for access, and paying tabloid reporters - who the ‘Enquirer’ with blithe lack of self-awareness call “cowardly” and "slimy” - for advance warning on any bad stories about to be published. When rumors allegedly circulated linking Bill Clinton to ‘Entertainment Tonight’ host Mary Hart, the Mr. Fix-It claims he was summoned to help, though “it doesn’t appear anything came of that.” Hardly shocking. And when the Monica Lewinsky scandal reared its head, so to speak, Mr. Fix-It was allegedly ordered to kill the story “under direct orders” from Hillary Clinton. Yet there is no evidence of Hillary giving any such orders, and as a for a cover-up, that clearly went perfectly. Who’s ever heard of Monica Lewinsky?

Mr. Fix-It claims he “arranged a lesbian romp for bi-sexual Hillary with a prominent Hollywood identity” - not a prominent Hollywood actress, or executive, but an “identity,” which makes it sound like Hillary met with a corporate logo rather than a person. The fixer claims to have arranged a meeting for Hillary with this mystery woman at a Beverly Hills hotel, immediately after Clinton visited a Hollywood studio for a movie screening in 1994. “I helped her slip out of the back exit for a one-on-one session with the other woman,” claims Mr. Fix-It. But that makes no sense. Why would Hillary have to "slip out” of a screening at a Hollywood studio, when she could simply walk out after the movie, if she’s then going to drive across town to a liaison at a Beverly Hills hotel? You can’t “slip out” of a Hollywood studio and into a Beverly Hills hotel - any Beverly Hills hotel is at least 10 minutes drive away from the nearest studio. And how does Mr. Fix-It know that Hillary was heading to a sex romp? He claims she left the movie trying “to look casual . . . but really it was for something presumably more sordid.” Presumably? Presumably!! That’s what the ‘Enquirer’ calls “proof,” presumably.

‘Enquirer’ readers not reaching for their blood-dripping axe might instead be reaching for their surgical scalpel, as the magazine seems obsessed with breast enhancement surgery this week. They report that Caitlin Jenner had “a new set of massive mammaries” installed to “lift her love life," that Ben Affleck has reunited with estranged wife Jennifer Garner who is “celebrating with a breast lift,” and accuses NBC’s fired ‘Today’ show co-host Billy Bush of being “a boob job bully” for allegedly pressuring his former ‘Access Hollywood’ co-host Kit Hoover to get breast enhancement surgery “to save her job.” Not that the ‘Enquirer’ is obsessed about women’s breasts, of course. They also take a good look at Jennifer Lopez’s backside, concluding that it looks “better than ever,” and therefore must have been surgically “plumped up a little,” according to an unnamed insider. Because she couldn’t possibly just be wearing Spanx, or pants that lift her derriere.

The ‘Globe,’ not to be outdone in scraping the bottom of the gutter for stories, literally dug through Hillary Clinton’s trash bins to find "surgical supplies," "junk food" and “drugs.” The surgical supplies? Latex gloves. The drugs? Reporters supposedly found perfectly legal “stamina-boosting stimulants.” Did they find any discarded medications for the illnesses they claim she is suffering, including lung cancer, multiple sclerosis, brain blood clotting, double vision and blackouts? Not a single empty pill bottle. Imagine their disappointment. “There were remains of potato chips, M&Ms, gummy bears, half-eaten bagels and several empty burrito and taco bowls,” claims the trashy tabloid. But the contents of the garbage could have been generated by Bill Clinton or any of the staff or security teams who drift in and out of their home in Washington D.C.,, or even the Secret Service agents who sit in vehicles outside the house, eat lunch in their cars and throw their refuse in the same bin, and let ‘Globe’ reporters openly carry it all away - but the ‘Globe’ attributes it all to Hillary.

Fortunately we have 'Us' magazine’s crack investigative team to tell us that Dakota Johnson and Rosie Huntington-Whitley both wore the same $420 Gucci leather belt the best, while Jennifer Aniston failed miserably - though how one fails at wearing a belt, I have no idea - and that Tyler Perry loves country music, ‘Supergirl’ actress Melissa Benoist carries sunscreen and chocolate bars in her Tory Burch tote, and the stars are just like us: they golf, garden, and listen to music.

Kim Kardashian is “haunted by flashbacks” of her recent Paris robbery, while US swimmer Ryan Lochte, who falsely claimed to have been robbed at gunpoint in Rio de Janeiro, is “overcoming my shame” by ‘Dancing With The Stars,’ reports ‘Us’ mag. Perhaps Kim Kardashian needs ‘Dancing With The Stars’ therapy? Ellen DeGeneres tells ‘People’ mag “How I finally found happiness,” by surviving tough times to make marriage work with Portia de Rossi, while the mag’s writer Natasha Stoynoff recounts how she feels “violated all over again” after Donald Trump denied sexually assaulting her.

As always, leave it to the ‘National Examiner’ to report the week’s most ludicrous yet apparently true story, already reported by CNN and the London Sun: the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education’s call for NASA to send condoms into space, to ensure safer sex with aliens.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

“Fight off the zombie hordes!” cries a full-page ad in this week’s ‘National Enquirer,’ featuring a hand-crafted and hand-painted shattered human skull with a bloody axe embedded in its cranium.

It’s a Halloween decoration that makes a pleasant change from the truly frightening usual ads offering ceramic angels, silver pendants to show how much you love your granddaughter, and life-like Princess Diana figurines.

But it’s also the perfect gift for ‘Enquirer’ readers who by now may be fearing a zombie invasion as the inevitable outcome of this year’s presidential election if “crooked Hillary Clinton” wins the Oval Office, having been fed a diet of panicked warnings by the magazine. This week the ‘Enquirer’ does its bit to ramp up the fear level with “the explosive story that will change the election,” bringing us ten pages exposing “24 years of cover-ups and crimes” by Hillary. A “hitman” for Hillary tells the ‘Enquirer’ how he was allegedly ordered to destroy Bill Clinton’s sex victims, bribe reporters to hide the truth, hide her sleazy affairs and pay hush money to hookers. Alas, none of the allegations is backed by anything that rises to the level of proof, or has corroboration from any additional sources than its unnamed “Mr. Fit-It."

“Hillary’s Plot to Kill Monica!” is a great headline spread over two pages, but the article includes not one mention of a plot to assassinate former White House intern Monica Lewinsky. Claims that the White House was doing its own investigation on Lewinsky are hardly new or surprising. Among the “fixes” allegedly arranged: encouraging a well-known columnist to “write positively about the Clintons” in exchange for access, and paying tabloid reporters - who the ‘Enquirer’ with blithe lack of self-awareness call “cowardly” and "slimy” - for advance warning on any bad stories about to be published. When rumors allegedly circulated linking Bill Clinton to ‘Entertainment Tonight’ host Mary Hart, the Mr. Fix-It claims he was summoned to help, though “it doesn’t appear anything came of that.” Hardly shocking. And when the Monica Lewinsky scandal reared its head, so to speak, Mr. Fix-It was allegedly ordered to kill the story “under direct orders” from Hillary Clinton. Yet there is no evidence of Hillary giving any such orders, and as a for a cover-up, that clearly went perfectly. Who’s ever heard of Monica Lewinsky?

Mr. Fix-It claims he “arranged a lesbian romp for bi-sexual Hillary with a prominent Hollywood identity” - not a prominent Hollywood actress, or executive, but an “identity,” which makes it sound like Hillary met with a corporate logo rather than a person. The fixer claims to have arranged a meeting for Hillary with this mystery woman at a Beverly Hills hotel, immediately after Clinton visited a Hollywood studio for a movie screening in 1994. “I helped her slip out of the back exit for a one-on-one session with the other woman,” claims Mr. Fix-It. But that makes no sense. Why would Hillary have to "slip out” of a screening at a Hollywood studio, when she could simply walk out after the movie, if she’s then going to drive across town to a liaison at a Beverly Hills hotel? You can’t “slip out” of a Hollywood studio and into a Beverly Hills hotel - any Beverly Hills hotel is at least 10 minutes drive away from the nearest studio. And how does Mr. Fix-It know that Hillary was heading to a sex romp? He claims she left the movie trying “to look casual . . . but really it was for something presumably more sordid.” Presumably? Presumably!! That’s what the ‘Enquirer’ calls “proof,” presumably.

‘Enquirer’ readers not reaching for their blood-dripping axe might instead be reaching for their surgical scalpel, as the magazine seems obsessed with breast enhancement surgery this week. They report that Caitlin Jenner had “a new set of massive mammaries” installed to “lift her love life," that Ben Affleck has reunited with estranged wife Jennifer Garner who is “celebrating with a breast lift,” and accuses NBC’s fired ‘Today’ show co-host Billy Bush of being “a boob job bully” for allegedly pressuring his former ‘Access Hollywood’ co-host Kit Hoover to get breast enhancement surgery “to save her job.” Not that the ‘Enquirer’ is obsessed about women’s breasts, of course. They also take a good look at Jennifer Lopez’s backside, concluding that it looks “better than ever,” and therefore must have been surgically “plumped up a little,” according to an unnamed insider. Because she couldn’t possibly just be wearing Spanx, or pants that lift her derriere.

The ‘Globe,’ not to be outdone in scraping the bottom of the gutter for stories, literally dug through Hillary Clinton’s trash bins to find "surgical supplies," "junk food" and “drugs.” The surgical supplies? Latex gloves. The drugs? Reporters supposedly found perfectly legal “stamina-boosting stimulants.” Did they find any discarded medications for the illnesses they claim she is suffering, including lung cancer, multiple sclerosis, brain blood clotting, double vision and blackouts? Not a single empty pill bottle. Imagine their disappointment. “There were remains of potato chips, M&Ms, gummy bears, half-eaten bagels and several empty burrito and taco bowls,” claims the trashy tabloid. But the contents of the garbage could have been generated by Bill Clinton or any of the staff or security teams who drift in and out of their home in Washington D.C.,, or even the Secret Service agents who sit in vehicles outside the house, eat lunch in their cars and throw their refuse in the same bin, and let ‘Globe’ reporters openly carry it all away - but the ‘Globe’ attributes it all to Hillary.

Fortunately we have 'Us' magazine’s crack investigative team to tell us that Dakota Johnson and Rosie Huntington-Whitley both wore the same $420 Gucci leather belt the best, while Jennifer Aniston failed miserably - though how one fails at wearing a belt, I have no idea - and that Tyler Perry loves country music, ‘Supergirl’ actress Melissa Benoist carries sunscreen and chocolate bars in her Tory Burch tote, and the stars are just like us: they golf, garden, and listen to music.

Kim Kardashian is “haunted by flashbacks” of her recent Paris robbery, while US swimmer Ryan Lochte, who falsely claimed to have been robbed at gunpoint in Rio de Janeiro, is “overcoming my shame” by ‘Dancing With The Stars,’ reports ‘Us’ mag. Perhaps Kim Kardashian needs ‘Dancing With The Stars’ therapy? Ellen DeGeneres tells ‘People’ mag “How I finally found happiness,” by surviving tough times to make marriage work with Portia de Rossi, while the mag’s writer Natasha Stoynoff recounts how she feels “violated all over again” after Donald Trump denied sexually assaulting her.

As always, leave it to the ‘National Examiner’ to report the week’s most ludicrous yet apparently true story, already reported by CNN and the London Sun: the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education’s call for NASA to send condoms into space, to ensure safer sex with aliens.

What do these lurid stories in this week’s tabloids have in common? They cling to the barest gossamer thread of reality - a thread that grows more frayed with each week’s reports.

“Backstabbing Obama destroy Hillary,” screams the Trump-loving ‘Globe’ cover story, ignoring the small detail that the Clintons’ finances have been dissected in numerous public investigations and public tax filings, and allegations of her sexual proclivities have been long ago and repeatedly aired in depth. There’s little dirt that the Obamas could offer the Republicans - as if they’d want to - that hasn’t already been revealed.

If Hillary wins the White House, husband Bill plans to live in a “Little Rock love shack” - actually, his Presidential Library - where he has transformed his apartment into “a Hugh Hefner-style playboy penthouse” where he aims to seduce women, claims former Republican political strategist Dick Morris in the ‘National Enquirer.’ Bill reportedly plans “to build a swimming pool on the roof of his library . . . to have naked pool parties the way JFK did at the White House.” Seems like fair and balanced reporting to me, despite the complete absence of supporting facts.

Why are Prince William and wife Kate such bad parents, according to Camilla? Because Kate squatted down to talk to son George at his own level, rather than talking down to him to make him appreciate his inferior position. “Camilla knew that’s a royal no-no,” reports the ‘Globe,’ which apparently believes that Camilla adheres to Victorian parenting practices, and has no problem in endorsing them.

“Hugh Hefner’s sad last days” trouble the ‘Globe,’ which claims the 90-year-old publisher is a frail 90 pounds and a “tragic recluse.” Which simply means that he hasn’t been photographed in public lately. Let’s remember that the tabloids gave Nick Nolte four weeks to live - several months ago.

Perhaps this is a good time for a trip down memory lane, to the ‘Globe’ issue of May 2012 whose cover screamed: “Who’ll Die Next?” and revealed the “stars’ secret health shockers.” Pictured on the cover, the stars whose days were numbered: Liza Minnelli, O.J. Simpson, Heather Locklear, Demi Moore, Mary Tyler Moore, and, yep - Nick Nolte. Four years later, all are still alive. In the interests of complete fairness, let me acknowledge that this 2012 ‘Globe’ cover also included a photo of country singer George Jones, who did indeed die the following year . . . at the age of 81. Hardly a shocking or premature demise.

Why does Goldie Hawn “need rehab”? The 70-year-old actress was partying in England and on two separate evenings left a club “looking like a hungover train wreck.” Except she didn’t. The photos simply show that she was smiling and having fun. Maybe she was tipsy. Maybe she was drunk. Heck, she could have been sloshed. But two nights out partying with friends does not make one an alcoholic - unless the ‘Globe’ sets its crack team of medical reporters on you, enlisting a doctor “who hasn’t treated the star” to diagnose her condition based on paparazzi photographs - which is the way I always prefer my own medical experts to prescribe treatment.

The ‘Enquirer’ cover’s grammatically challenged headline yells that Angelina Jolie is “back on drugs! & back with gay ex!” But even the ‘Enquirer’ struggles to piece together this fantasy, admitting that supposed lesbian love Jenny Shimizu is “now married.” In fact, the ‘Enquirer’ can’t find even a hint of evidence of a continuing romance between Jolie and Shimizu since at least 2006. Nor do they have any evidence that she is taking drugs. And if you trouble to read to the story’s penultimate paragraph, we learn that Jolie is not back on drugs nor back with her “gay ex,” but those are merely the fears of unnamed friends. As the ‘Enquirer’ concludes, following Jolie’s recent split from husband Brad Pitt, “friends hope it doesn’t push her back to her wild-child ways - and Jenny!” In other words, the entire story and all its allegations are just wild fabrications, just another fantasy in the myriad of cruel distortions that are evidently the price of modern celebrity.

With equal decency and compassion, the ‘National Examiner’ brings us a “world exclusive special report” on “Hollywood’s Fattest Stars!” When the tabloids aren’t warning us that stars are “too thin” and risk death by dieting, they are fat-shaming others and actively promoting body dysmorphia. “New shocking photos” show every extra ounce on celebrities who I won’t bother to name. Shameful. And we have the ‘Enquirer’ this week telling us that singer George Michael’s weight has “exploded,” Tim Robbins has “gone to pot - potbelly, that is,” and that “stick-thin” Kendall Jenner is “too fat for the catwalk,” while the ‘Globe’ informs us that former ‘Cheers’ actor George Wendt “needs beer belly surgery."

Fortunately we have ‘Us’ magazine's crack investigative team to tell us that Rachel McAdams wore it best, comedian Kevin Hart loves taco Tuesday nights, Laverne Cox carries Maybeline highlighter, Warm Vanilla Sugar fragrance, and cilantro jalapeño hummus in her Zac Posen tote - and bless her, is the first celebrity honest enough to admit carrying condoms in her purse - and that the stars are just like us: they eat pastries, run errands, and play golf.

I’m at a loss to understand the motivation behind the cover stories in ‘Us’ and ‘People’ magazines this week, however. ‘Us’ features the “Teen Mom Wedding” of Maci Bookout and Taylor McKinney, while ‘People’ features the marital and commercial bliss of Chip and Joanna Gaines, stars of TV’s ‘Fixer Upper.’ Are these people really celebrities whose lives we are supposed to aspire to? Celebrity used to mean the glamour of Marlene Dietrich, the hauteur of Bette Davis, the sensuality of Marilyn Monroe and the grand passion of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. Today it’s a “teen mom” (who is 25 years old, which last time I checked makes her an ex-teen mom) and a couple of home-improvement house-flippers? I can’t wait for them all to get their stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

What do these lurid stories in this week’s tabloids have in common? They cling to the barest gossamer thread of reality - a thread that grows more frayed with each week’s reports.

“Backstabbing Obama destroy Hillary,” screams the Trump-loving ‘Globe’ cover story, ignoring the small detail that the Clintons’ finances have been dissected in numerous public investigations and public tax filings, and allegations of her sexual proclivities have been long ago and repeatedly aired in depth. There’s little dirt that the Obamas could offer the Republicans - as if they’d want to - that hasn’t already been revealed.

If Hillary wins the White House, husband Bill plans to live in a “Little Rock love shack” - actually, his Presidential Library - where he has transformed his apartment into “a Hugh Hefner-style playboy penthouse” where he aims to seduce women, claims former Republican political strategist Dick Morris in the ‘National Enquirer.’ Bill reportedly plans “to build a swimming pool on the roof of his library . . . to have naked pool parties the way JFK did at the White House.” Seems like fair and balanced reporting to me, despite the complete absence of supporting facts.

Why are Prince William and wife Kate such bad parents, according to Camilla? Because Kate squatted down to talk to son George at his own level, rather than talking down to him to make him appreciate his inferior position. “Camilla knew that’s a royal no-no,” reports the ‘Globe,’ which apparently believes that Camilla adheres to Victorian parenting practices, and has no problem in endorsing them.

“Hugh Hefner’s sad last days” trouble the ‘Globe,’ which claims the 90-year-old publisher is a frail 90 pounds and a “tragic recluse.” Which simply means that he hasn’t been photographed in public lately. Let’s remember that the tabloids gave Nick Nolte four weeks to live - several months ago.

Perhaps this is a good time for a trip down memory lane, to the ‘Globe’ issue of May 2012 whose cover screamed: “Who’ll Die Next?” and revealed the “stars’ secret health shockers.” Pictured on the cover, the stars whose days were numbered: Liza Minnelli, O.J. Simpson, Heather Locklear, Demi Moore, Mary Tyler Moore, and, yep - Nick Nolte. Four years later, all are still alive. In the interests of complete fairness, let me acknowledge that this 2012 ‘Globe’ cover also included a photo of country singer George Jones, who did indeed die the following year . . . at the age of 81. Hardly a shocking or premature demise.

Why does Goldie Hawn “need rehab”? The 70-year-old actress was partying in England and on two separate evenings left a club “looking like a hungover train wreck.” Except she didn’t. The photos simply show that she was smiling and having fun. Maybe she was tipsy. Maybe she was drunk. Heck, she could have been sloshed. But two nights out partying with friends does not make one an alcoholic - unless the ‘Globe’ sets its crack team of medical reporters on you, enlisting a doctor “who hasn’t treated the star” to diagnose her condition based on paparazzi photographs - which is the way I always prefer my own medical experts to prescribe treatment.

The ‘Enquirer’ cover’s grammatically challenged headline yells that Angelina Jolie is “back on drugs! & back with gay ex!” But even the ‘Enquirer’ struggles to piece together this fantasy, admitting that supposed lesbian love Jenny Shimizu is “now married.” In fact, the ‘Enquirer’ can’t find even a hint of evidence of a continuing romance between Jolie and Shimizu since at least 2006. Nor do they have any evidence that she is taking drugs. And if you trouble to read to the story’s penultimate paragraph, we learn that Jolie is not back on drugs nor back with her “gay ex,” but those are merely the fears of unnamed friends. As the ‘Enquirer’ concludes, following Jolie’s recent split from husband Brad Pitt, “friends hope it doesn’t push her back to her wild-child ways - and Jenny!” In other words, the entire story and all its allegations are just wild fabrications, just another fantasy in the myriad of cruel distortions that are evidently the price of modern celebrity.

With equal decency and compassion, the ‘National Examiner’ brings us a “world exclusive special report” on “Hollywood’s Fattest Stars!” When the tabloids aren’t warning us that stars are “too thin” and risk death by dieting, they are fat-shaming others and actively promoting body dysmorphia. “New shocking photos” show every extra ounce on celebrities who I won’t bother to name. Shameful. And we have the ‘Enquirer’ this week telling us that singer George Michael’s weight has “exploded,” Tim Robbins has “gone to pot - potbelly, that is,” and that “stick-thin” Kendall Jenner is “too fat for the catwalk,” while the ‘Globe’ informs us that former ‘Cheers’ actor George Wendt “needs beer belly surgery."

Fortunately we have ‘Us’ magazine's crack investigative team to tell us that Rachel McAdams wore it best, comedian Kevin Hart loves taco Tuesday nights, Laverne Cox carries Maybeline highlighter, Warm Vanilla Sugar fragrance, and cilantro jalapeño hummus in her Zac Posen tote - and bless her, is the first celebrity honest enough to admit carrying condoms in her purse - and that the stars are just like us: they eat pastries, run errands, and play golf.

I’m at a loss to understand the motivation behind the cover stories in ‘Us’ and ‘People’ magazines this week, however. ‘Us’ features the “Teen Mom Wedding” of Maci Bookout and Taylor McKinney, while ‘People’ features the marital and commercial bliss of Chip and Joanna Gaines, stars of TV’s ‘Fixer Upper.’ Are these people really celebrities whose lives we are supposed to aspire to? Celebrity used to mean the glamour of Marlene Dietrich, the hauteur of Bette Davis, the sensuality of Marilyn Monroe and the grand passion of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. Today it’s a “teen mom” (who is 25 years old, which last time I checked makes her an ex-teen mom) and a couple of home-improvement house-flippers? I can’t wait for them all to get their stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The latest news - from decades past - seems to be the theme of this week’s tabloids.

“Trump’s Tax Returns Revealed” screams the 'National Enquirer' cover, promising that “Hillary’s ugly smear campaign falls apart!” But The ‘Enquirer’ has only obtained the Republican presidential candidate’s tax returns for 1975 to 1977, almost three decades out of date. To learn that he paid an average of $23,977 in federal taxes over those three years is scarcely relevant to the questions hanging over Trump today. But for the ‘Enquirer,’ that’s good enough to exonerate Trump of any question of tax avoidance.

The “sinister plot” behind the famed meeting between President Richard Nixon and Elvis Presley a staggering 46 years ago is “revealed” by the ‘Globe.’ If they had bothered to read Nixon aide Egil ‘Bud’ Krough’s 1994 book ‘The Day Elvis Met Nixon,’ however, they would have read the same story: that Elvis wanted the US government to condemn The Beatles. As Krough said: “Presley indicated that he thought the Beatles had been a real force for anti-American spirit.” It’s sweet to see a vaguely accurate story in the Globe for once, even if it’s four decades late.

The ‘Globe' continues digging into history by declaring (for the umpteenth time) that it has “proof” that Prince Charles “murdered Diana!” Having already decided that the Queen ordered Diana’s body exhumed and demanded a new autopsy - demonstrably false - the publication now reports on details of the non-existent coroner’s report, allegedly proving that Charles had his wife assassinated. Of course, Diana died back in August 1997, so that’s a relatively recent story fas far as this week's tabloids are concerned.

The ‘Globe’ goes even further back for its story about Ethel Kennedy being “stabbed in the back” by her sister-in-law Jean Kennedy Smith (Bobby’s wife), who penned a letter to Marilyn Monroe purportedly condoning the movie star’s fling with RFK, saying: “Understand that you and Bobby are the new item!" The letter is among Monroe’s personal correspondence being auctioned in Los Angeles next month, which would make it news, if not for the fact that this story appeared back in 1994 when the letter was previously auctioned. At that time Jean Kennedy Smith issued a statement: “The suggestion that the letter verifies an affair is utter nonsense. I am shocked that anyone would believe such innuendo about a letter obviously written in jest.” No doubt Jean Kennedy Smith, now aged 88, would be equally horrified that the antique letter is being treated as a news item.

Just how ancient are the readers of the ‘Globe’? The editors this week treat us to the story of Eleanor Roosevelt’s “lesbian love” affair, which they claim is now “exposed!” How fresh is this revelation about the First Lady’s relationship with White House correspondent Lorena ‘Hick’ Hickok which first blossomed in 1932? Well, back in 1978 more than 3,500 letters between the two women, detailing their intimate friendship, were revealed. But it goes back decades beyond that. Hickok maintained a bedroom in the White House next to the First Lady’s bedroom for several years, and although the mainstream media would never report on such a liaison, it was an open secret in Washington D.C. that everyone knew about - except from ‘The Globe.’ All the news that’s unfit to print, only 84 years late.

Jack Nicholson “couldn’t handle the truth” about his own family - the fact that his 'older sister' June was actually his mother - reports the ‘National Enquirer.' It’s a great story, or at least it was when first reported by Time magazine in 1975. Only 41 years late, guys - quite an improvement.

‘People’ and ‘Us’ magazines both dutifully devote their covers to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s marital split, with ‘People’ promising “Family Secrets,” and ‘Us” offering a glimpse “Inside Brad’s Shattered World.” It’s all depressingly voyeuristic celebrity train-wreck reportage, sourced by unidentified “insiders,” “pals” and “friends” of the couple. Kim Kardashian’s “night of terror,” when she was “robbed at gunpoint” in Paris, also merits masturbatory indulgence from the reality TV-obsessed mags.

Fortunately we have ‘Us’ magazine’s crack team of investigative reporters to tell us that George Clooney’s wife Amal wore it best, that Green Day rocker Billie Joe Armstrong “once thought I won the lottery, but I misread the scratcher,” that reality TV’s Monica Potter (Who she, Ed?) carries B12 hypodermic shots, Sea Buckthorn balm, and facial oil in her Henri Bendel tote, and that the stars are just like us: they drink, surf, and take pies to church events.

But for real news you can use, the ‘National Examiner’ reports that “The number 9 . . . figures into your year ahead in amazing ways!” Explains respected numerologist (and star of TV’s ‘Empire') Terrence Howard: “All nature moves with the number 9. So every ninth year, something amazing happens.” Perhaps after nine years we’ll actually see a new story in the tabloids?

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

The latest news - from decades past - seems to be the theme of this week’s tabloids.

“Trump’s Tax Returns Revealed” screams the 'National Enquirer' cover, promising that “Hillary’s ugly smear campaign falls apart!” But The ‘Enquirer’ has only obtained the Republican presidential candidate’s tax returns for 1975 to 1977, almost three decades out of date. To learn that he paid an average of $23,977 in federal taxes over those three years is scarcely relevant to the questions hanging over Trump today. But for the ‘Enquirer,’ that’s good enough to exonerate Trump of any question of tax avoidance.

The “sinister plot” behind the famed meeting between President Richard Nixon and Elvis Presley a staggering 46 years ago is “revealed” by the ‘Globe.’ If they had bothered to read Nixon aide Egil ‘Bud’ Krough’s 1994 book ‘The Day Elvis Met Nixon,’ however, they would have read the same story: that Elvis wanted the US government to condemn The Beatles. As Krough said: “Presley indicated that he thought the Beatles had been a real force for anti-American spirit.” It’s sweet to see a vaguely accurate story in the Globe for once, even if it’s four decades late.

The ‘Globe' continues digging into history by declaring (for the umpteenth time) that it has “proof” that Prince Charles “murdered Diana!” Having already decided that the Queen ordered Diana’s body exhumed and demanded a new autopsy - demonstrably false - the publication now reports on details of the non-existent coroner’s report, allegedly proving that Charles had his wife assassinated. Of course, Diana died back in August 1997, so that’s a relatively recent story fas far as this week's tabloids are concerned.

The ‘Globe’ goes even further back for its story about Ethel Kennedy being “stabbed in the back” by her sister-in-law Jean Kennedy Smith (Bobby’s wife), who penned a letter to Marilyn Monroe purportedly condoning the movie star’s fling with RFK, saying: “Understand that you and Bobby are the new item!" The letter is among Monroe’s personal correspondence being auctioned in Los Angeles next month, which would make it news, if not for the fact that this story appeared back in 1994 when the letter was previously auctioned. At that time Jean Kennedy Smith issued a statement: “The suggestion that the letter verifies an affair is utter nonsense. I am shocked that anyone would believe such innuendo about a letter obviously written in jest.” No doubt Jean Kennedy Smith, now aged 88, would be equally horrified that the antique letter is being treated as a news item.

Just how ancient are the readers of the ‘Globe’? The editors this week treat us to the story of Eleanor Roosevelt’s “lesbian love” affair, which they claim is now “exposed!” How fresh is this revelation about the First Lady’s relationship with White House correspondent Lorena ‘Hick’ Hickok which first blossomed in 1932? Well, back in 1978 more than 3,500 letters between the two women, detailing their intimate friendship, were revealed. But it goes back decades beyond that. Hickok maintained a bedroom in the White House next to the First Lady’s bedroom for several years, and although the mainstream media would never report on such a liaison, it was an open secret in Washington D.C. that everyone knew about - except from ‘The Globe.’ All the news that’s unfit to print, only 84 years late.

Jack Nicholson “couldn’t handle the truth” about his own family - the fact that his 'older sister' June was actually his mother - reports the ‘National Enquirer.' It’s a great story, or at least it was when first reported by Time magazine in 1975. Only 41 years late, guys - quite an improvement.

‘People’ and ‘Us’ magazines both dutifully devote their covers to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s marital split, with ‘People’ promising “Family Secrets,” and ‘Us” offering a glimpse “Inside Brad’s Shattered World.” It’s all depressingly voyeuristic celebrity train-wreck reportage, sourced by unidentified “insiders,” “pals” and “friends” of the couple. Kim Kardashian’s “night of terror,” when she was “robbed at gunpoint” in Paris, also merits masturbatory indulgence from the reality TV-obsessed mags.

Fortunately we have ‘Us’ magazine’s crack team of investigative reporters to tell us that George Clooney’s wife Amal wore it best, that Green Day rocker Billie Joe Armstrong “once thought I won the lottery, but I misread the scratcher,” that reality TV’s Monica Potter (Who she, Ed?) carries B12 hypodermic shots, Sea Buckthorn balm, and facial oil in her Henri Bendel tote, and that the stars are just like us: they drink, surf, and take pies to church events.

But for real news you can use, the ‘National Examiner’ reports that “The number 9 . . . figures into your year ahead in amazing ways!” Explains respected numerologist (and star of TV’s ‘Empire') Terrence Howard: “All nature moves with the number 9. So every ninth year, something amazing happens.” Perhaps after nine years we’ll actually see a new story in the tabloids?

What do crystal bracelets inspired by Michelle Obama, a John Wayne commemorative beer stein, a viagra substitute, a Life Alert alarm, and mustache hair remover - for women - have in common?

They’re all ads in this week’s 'National Enquirer,' whose demographic appears to be aging frail bearded Democratic women and alcoholic men with erectile dysfunction.
That might begin to explain the tabloid’s dubious connection to reality, and why Donald Trump is reportedly “very close” to ‘Enquirer' chief executive David Pecker, even writing several pieces for the rag during his presidential campaign: they share an equally tenuous relationship with the truth.

Angelina Jolie’s divorce from Brad Pitt dominates this week’s tabloids, but only the ‘Enquirer’ boasts “world exclusive first photos” of Brad entering a hotel just weeks ago with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston, exposing their “secret rendezvous.” But look hard at the “world exclusive” photo - single, not plural as the ‘Enquirer' promises - and you’ll see in tiny print the words: “Photo Recreation.” In other words, the Enquirer has a world exclusive photo of two lookalikes shown from the rear entering a hotel, and no photos of Pitt and Aniston together anywhere. Because it probably never happened.

Trump’s pal Pecker is also CEO of the ‘Globe’ tabloid, which this week carries ads for a ‘Granddaughter, I Love You’ “heirloom” music box (though it won’t become an heirloom until you pass it down to your beloved granddaughter), Count Cat-ula figurine (a vampire cat, of course), and portable oxygen tank “that will never weigh you down.” The ‘Globe’ shares the same scant relationship with the truth as the ‘Enquirer.' Its cover revisits the 20-year-old murder of infant pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey, in headlines screaming: “JonBenet Dad’s Confession to Cops!” Did John Ramsey really confess to killing his daughter? And why isn’t he behind bars? Because what he “confessed” to is having wondered if his home had adequate security, and doing nothing about it. In other words, the sort of self-recrimination that any parent feels, wondering if there was something more they could have done to protect a child. It’s not the murder confession that the cover seems to promise.

Actress Meg Ryan is reportedly “wasting away” according to the ‘Globe,' simply because she appears slender in recent photos, while the ‘Globe’ team of highly trained medical correspondents conclude that actress Nicole Kidman is “pregnant at 49” based on a photo that appears to show her “baby bump.” Psychic reporting at its best.

‘People’ and ‘Us’ magazines predictably immerse their issues in Brad and Angelina’s split, though while ‘People’ focuses on “why she left” - reportedly clashing personalities and months of unhappiness - ‘Us’ exposes “her plot to destroy Brad,” alleging that Jolie is behind reports that Pitt was boozing, abusing their children, and generally behaving badly. Behind the scenes, this means that ‘Us’ magazine is aligning itself with Pitt and actively pursuing his exclusive story at some future date, while ‘People’ magazine is pursuing her exclusive tale, which will inevitably come with a huge price tag attached.

Fortunately we have ‘Us’ magazine’s crack team of investigative reporters to tell us that Nina Agdal (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, actress Juliette Lewis carries digestive enzymes and vitamins in her Christian Siriano satchel, and the stars are just like us: they ride bikes, play tennis, and take vacation snaps.

Not that this week’s tabloids are all frivolity and eviscerating the private lives of the stars. The ‘National Examiner’ delves deep into international geopolitics with its exclusive story revealing that Islamic State’s ISIS is “under attack from UFOs!” They report a “mysterious object hovering above territory held by the Islamic State - followed by an enormous blast.” As the ‘Examiner’ explains: “. . . the terrorists now have an off-world foe!” The magazine found “UFO analysts” who believe the incident in southern Turkey was “either a warning blast or a direct intervention against the terrorist regime.”

It’s good to see some real news coverage amid all the celebrity nonsense. It makes me want to buy the good-luck elephant figurine advertised in the ‘Enquirer,’ which “sparkles with 30 faux gems.” Just like this week’s tabloids, which sparkle with nothing but faux gems.

Onwards and downwards . . .
]]>

What do crystal bracelets inspired by Michelle Obama, a John Wayne commemorative beer stein, a viagra substitute, a Life Alert alarm, and mustache hair remover - for women - have in common?

They’re all ads in this week’s 'National Enquirer,' whose demographic appears to be aging frail bearded Democratic women and alcoholic men with erectile dysfunction.
That might begin to explain the tabloid’s dubious connection to reality, and why Donald Trump is reportedly “very close” to ‘Enquirer' chief executive David Pecker, even writing several pieces for the rag during his presidential campaign: they share an equally tenuous relationship with the truth.

Angelina Jolie’s divorce from Brad Pitt dominates this week’s tabloids, but only the ‘Enquirer’ boasts “world exclusive first photos” of Brad entering a hotel just weeks ago with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston, exposing their “secret rendezvous.” But look hard at the “world exclusive” photo - single, not plural as the ‘Enquirer' promises - and you’ll see in tiny print the words: “Photo Recreation.” In other words, the Enquirer has a world exclusive photo of two lookalikes shown from the rear entering a hotel, and no photos of Pitt and Aniston together anywhere. Because it probably never happened.

Trump’s pal Pecker is also CEO of the ‘Globe’ tabloid, which this week carries ads for a ‘Granddaughter, I Love You’ “heirloom” music box (though it won’t become an heirloom until you pass it down to your beloved granddaughter), Count Cat-ula figurine (a vampire cat, of course), and portable oxygen tank “that will never weigh you down.” The ‘Globe’ shares the same scant relationship with the truth as the ‘Enquirer.' Its cover revisits the 20-year-old murder of infant pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey, in headlines screaming: “JonBenet Dad’s Confession to Cops!” Did John Ramsey really confess to killing his daughter? And why isn’t he behind bars? Because what he “confessed” to is having wondered if his home had adequate security, and doing nothing about it. In other words, the sort of self-recrimination that any parent feels, wondering if there was something more they could have done to protect a child. It’s not the murder confession that the cover seems to promise.

Actress Meg Ryan is reportedly “wasting away” according to the ‘Globe,' simply because she appears slender in recent photos, while the ‘Globe’ team of highly trained medical correspondents conclude that actress Nicole Kidman is “pregnant at 49” based on a photo that appears to show her “baby bump.” Psychic reporting at its best.

‘People’ and ‘Us’ magazines predictably immerse their issues in Brad and Angelina’s split, though while ‘People’ focuses on “why she left” - reportedly clashing personalities and months of unhappiness - ‘Us’ exposes “her plot to destroy Brad,” alleging that Jolie is behind reports that Pitt was boozing, abusing their children, and generally behaving badly. Behind the scenes, this means that ‘Us’ magazine is aligning itself with Pitt and actively pursuing his exclusive story at some future date, while ‘People’ magazine is pursuing her exclusive tale, which will inevitably come with a huge price tag attached.

Fortunately we have ‘Us’ magazine’s crack team of investigative reporters to tell us that Nina Agdal (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, actress Juliette Lewis carries digestive enzymes and vitamins in her Christian Siriano satchel, and the stars are just like us: they ride bikes, play tennis, and take vacation snaps.

Not that this week’s tabloids are all frivolity and eviscerating the private lives of the stars. The ‘National Examiner’ delves deep into international geopolitics with its exclusive story revealing that Islamic State’s ISIS is “under attack from UFOs!” They report a “mysterious object hovering above territory held by the Islamic State - followed by an enormous blast.” As the ‘Examiner’ explains: “. . . the terrorists now have an off-world foe!” The magazine found “UFO analysts” who believe the incident in southern Turkey was “either a warning blast or a direct intervention against the terrorist regime.”

It’s good to see some real news coverage amid all the celebrity nonsense. It makes me want to buy the good-luck elephant figurine advertised in the ‘Enquirer,’ which “sparkles with 30 faux gems.” Just like this week’s tabloids, which sparkle with nothing but faux gems.

Just look at this week’s ’National Enquirer’ cover, breathlessly billed as “The story that will doom Hillary.”

Under the heading “World Exclusive,” the headline screams: “Bill Groped Me On Campaign Jet - and Hillary Did Nothing!”

Campaign flight attendant Cristy Zercher is horrified that Bill Clinton allegedly hugged her from behind and placed a hand on her breast. On another occasion she claims to have opened the plane's toilet door to find Bill standing with his fly unzipped, though exposing nothing.

I almost hate to mention it, but there are just one or two minor details of this ground-breaking story that I’d like to take issue with.

Like the fact that this “world exclusive” first appeared in the 'Star' tabloid in March 1998. That Zercher’s harassment allegedly occurred on Bill Clinton’s campaign plane 24 years ago - not on Hillary’s current campaign jet. And even Zercher confessed that the reason Hillary “did nothing” was because she was asleep at the time of the alleged incident. Let’s note that much of Zercher’s new “world exclusive interview” appeared word-for-word 18 years ago. We’re not supposed to recall that Zercher was interviewed by the Washington Post in July 1994 and never mentioned being harassed by Bill Clinton, saying only that he had flirted with her. Is it churlish to point out that TV news show ‘Inside Edition’ ran a two-night special on Zercher’s claims in April 1998, and revealed that she not only flunked a lie detector test, but “failed miserably,” according to show spokesperson Jan Murray. There are a long list of women who have claimed that the former president sexually assaulted or harassed them, but why resuscitate Zercher’s threadbare claims now? To smear Hillary Clinton by making it appear to have taken place on her campaign jet. Tabloid reporting at its best, no doubt.

The ‘Enquirer’ continues its Trump-loving vendetta against the Clintons with its Page Two story: “Hillary Brain Cancer Drama!” Hillary was spotted last week apparently wearing some kind of earpiece during a presidential TV debate. It’s been the subject of widespread speculation and heated denial by the Clinton campaign, but for the ‘Enquirer’ it’s proof positive that Hillary has been “spoon-fed lies live on national TV because of ‘memory lapses.’” And to the ‘Enquirer’ medical team, that can only mean cancer. Well, it stands to reason: why would anyone wear an earpiece if they didn’t have cancer. Right? though I’m intrigued: why does the ‘Enquirer’ believe that Clinton’s back-stage aides are feeding her “lies?” That’s fair and balanced reporting at its best.

“Queen Kate’s having Twin Girls!” yells the cover of the ‘Globe,’ which continues to forget that Kate Middleton is not a queen, not even a princess, but a mere Duchess. Kate is reportedly “three months pregnant and William is naming one of them Diana!” This report has been circulating in the tabloid world since April, which means that Kate has been three months pregnant for the past five months. Kate reportedly has only told “William, his brother Harry, her family and grandma Queen Elizabeth.” And the ‘Globe,’ of course, who must be on Kate’s speed-dial - though she seems to have fed them a lot of misinformation in the past. You have to admire the ‘Globe’ Royal reporters’ restraint in referring to Prince Charles’ bride as his “evil wife Camilla . . . The 69-year-old, horse-faced banshee . . . “ Seems like impartial reporting to me.

Unfulfilled promises abound in ‘People’ magazine, whose cover boasts Renée Zellweger’s "most revealing interview ever,” while the inside story assures that she addresses “the changes in her life (and her appearance) . . . “ So, to address the elephant in Zellweger’s mirror: why did her face appear so dramatically changed a few years ago? We’ll never know. “That’s a big question,” she says, moving on the evade addressing the issue. Zellweger’s most revealing interview ever, indeed.

At least ‘Us’ mag tells us how ‘Real Housewife’ reality star Bethenny Frankel “survived my divorce from hell.” Her secret? “Focusing on her daughter . . . helped her survive the insanity,” reports ‘Us.’ And that’s it. That’s the secret to surviving the divorce from hell. The rest of the feature is dedicated to exhuming her messy divorce in gloriously painful detail, with ‘People’ magazine’s typical celebrity trainwreck voyeurism.

Thankfully we have ‘Us’ mag’s crack team of reporters to tell us that Cara Delevingne wore it best (and still looked a mess), that Kiefer Sutherland “can be impatient,” actress Piper Perabo carries natural wood incense sticks, Italian hair perfume and wildflowers seeds in her Friends of the Library tote (are these stars now hiring stylists to curate their handbag contents?), and that the stars are just like us, as long as you can surf, ride a bike, shoot hoops and eat cotton candy (though not necessarily all at the same time.)

As ever, the big news of the week comes courtesy of the ‘National Examiner,’ which reports “Reincarnation is Real!” Researchers have evidently found a number of infant children who accurately recall details of past lives of which they could have no possible prior knowledge, like the two-year-old who remembered being shot down in his plane over Iwo Jima in WWII, even accurately recalling the name of his boat and his co-pilot. This information from a toddler, of course, was told to a parent before any researcher was summoned - and there’s no possible way that any parent could have planted such information in a pliable young mind, is there?

Onwards and downwards . . .
]]>

Just look at this week’s ’National Enquirer’ cover, breathlessly billed as “The story that will doom Hillary.”

Under the heading “World Exclusive,” the headline screams: “Bill Groped Me On Campaign Jet - and Hillary Did Nothing!”

Campaign flight attendant Cristy Zercher is horrified that Bill Clinton allegedly hugged her from behind and placed a hand on her breast. On another occasion she claims to have opened the plane's toilet door to find Bill standing with his fly unzipped, though exposing nothing.

I almost hate to mention it, but there are just one or two minor details of this ground-breaking story that I’d like to take issue with.

Like the fact that this “world exclusive” first appeared in the 'Star' tabloid in March 1998. That Zercher’s harassment allegedly occurred on Bill Clinton’s campaign plane 24 years ago - not on Hillary’s current campaign jet. And even Zercher confessed that the reason Hillary “did nothing” was because she was asleep at the time of the alleged incident. Let’s note that much of Zercher’s new “world exclusive interview” appeared word-for-word 18 years ago. We’re not supposed to recall that Zercher was interviewed by the Washington Post in July 1994 and never mentioned being harassed by Bill Clinton, saying only that he had flirted with her. Is it churlish to point out that TV news show ‘Inside Edition’ ran a two-night special on Zercher’s claims in April 1998, and revealed that she not only flunked a lie detector test, but “failed miserably,” according to show spokesperson Jan Murray. There are a long list of women who have claimed that the former president sexually assaulted or harassed them, but why resuscitate Zercher’s threadbare claims now? To smear Hillary Clinton by making it appear to have taken place on her campaign jet. Tabloid reporting at its best, no doubt.

The ‘Enquirer’ continues its Trump-loving vendetta against the Clintons with its Page Two story: “Hillary Brain Cancer Drama!” Hillary was spotted last week apparently wearing some kind of earpiece during a presidential TV debate. It’s been the subject of widespread speculation and heated denial by the Clinton campaign, but for the ‘Enquirer’ it’s proof positive that Hillary has been “spoon-fed lies live on national TV because of ‘memory lapses.’” And to the ‘Enquirer’ medical team, that can only mean cancer. Well, it stands to reason: why would anyone wear an earpiece if they didn’t have cancer. Right? though I’m intrigued: why does the ‘Enquirer’ believe that Clinton’s back-stage aides are feeding her “lies?” That’s fair and balanced reporting at its best.

“Queen Kate’s having Twin Girls!” yells the cover of the ‘Globe,’ which continues to forget that Kate Middleton is not a queen, not even a princess, but a mere Duchess. Kate is reportedly “three months pregnant and William is naming one of them Diana!” This report has been circulating in the tabloid world since April, which means that Kate has been three months pregnant for the past five months. Kate reportedly has only told “William, his brother Harry, her family and grandma Queen Elizabeth.” And the ‘Globe,’ of course, who must be on Kate’s speed-dial - though she seems to have fed them a lot of misinformation in the past. You have to admire the ‘Globe’ Royal reporters’ restraint in referring to Prince Charles’ bride as his “evil wife Camilla . . . The 69-year-old, horse-faced banshee . . . “ Seems like impartial reporting to me.

Unfulfilled promises abound in ‘People’ magazine, whose cover boasts Renée Zellweger’s "most revealing interview ever,” while the inside story assures that she addresses “the changes in her life (and her appearance) . . . “ So, to address the elephant in Zellweger’s mirror: why did her face appear so dramatically changed a few years ago? We’ll never know. “That’s a big question,” she says, moving on the evade addressing the issue. Zellweger’s most revealing interview ever, indeed.

At least ‘Us’ mag tells us how ‘Real Housewife’ reality star Bethenny Frankel “survived my divorce from hell.” Her secret? “Focusing on her daughter . . . helped her survive the insanity,” reports ‘Us.’ And that’s it. That’s the secret to surviving the divorce from hell. The rest of the feature is dedicated to exhuming her messy divorce in gloriously painful detail, with ‘People’ magazine’s typical celebrity trainwreck voyeurism.

Thankfully we have ‘Us’ mag’s crack team of reporters to tell us that Cara Delevingne wore it best (and still looked a mess), that Kiefer Sutherland “can be impatient,” actress Piper Perabo carries natural wood incense sticks, Italian hair perfume and wildflowers seeds in her Friends of the Library tote (are these stars now hiring stylists to curate their handbag contents?), and that the stars are just like us, as long as you can surf, ride a bike, shoot hoops and eat cotton candy (though not necessarily all at the same time.)

As ever, the big news of the week comes courtesy of the ‘National Examiner,’ which reports “Reincarnation is Real!” Researchers have evidently found a number of infant children who accurately recall details of past lives of which they could have no possible prior knowledge, like the two-year-old who remembered being shot down in his plane over Iwo Jima in WWII, even accurately recalling the name of his boat and his co-pilot. This information from a toddler, of course, was told to a parent before any researcher was summoned - and there’s no possible way that any parent could have planted such information in a pliable young mind, is there?

It’s hard to be disturbed by this week’s tabloid revelations that Hillary Clinton is dying, Robert Wagner has been arrested for murdering Natalie Wood, and Tom Hanks’ marriage is imploding in a $355 million divorce battle, when the 'National Examiner' reveals that a “phantom planet” is heading our way and will “destroy Earth.”

You’d think that might be big news, but the end of the world doesn’t even merit a mention on the Examiner’s own cover, instead devoted to “The Royals Nobody Knows,” with the revelation that Prince William and wife Kate will “drag the dusty old royals into the modern world.” Not that there will be a world left for the royals to enjoy, if the Examiner’s crack scientific reporting team is correct in its analysis of a “new video of a rare blood moon” which supposedly shows that “a rogue planet is hurtling toward a collision with Earth.” The ‘Examiner’ seems unconcerned that the video doesn’t show a hidden planet, which doesn’t exist in reality and has been widely debunked in all but the most paranoid corners of the interwebs.

It’s about as realistic as everything else in this week’s tabloids, however, which seem to have given up even attempting a semblance of accuracy.

“Robert Wagner Murder Arrest!” screams the ‘Globe’ cover, with a photo of the actor in handcuffs. Search hard, and you’ll find in tiny print the word: “Dramatization.” Search within, and you’ll find that Wagner has not even been arrested - that’s simply what the ‘Globe’ believes should happen, as it refuses to stop beating this long-dead horse. There’s no new evidence in the case, but the ‘Globe' claims investigators have reviewed decades-old evidence and concluded that Wagner had at least one affair - “possibly two” - while married to ‘West Side Story’ star Wood. If true, that would tell any rational reader that Wagner had cheated on his wife. But to the insightful ‘Globe’ crime reporters such allegations of infidelity can mean only one thing: he killed his wife. Seems logical.

The ‘National Enquirer’ doesn’t even give Hillary Clinton the benefit of a “dramatization” caption when its cover photo features a disturbing shot of the presidential candidate Photoshopped with dark wrinkled bags beneath both hollowed eyes, deep wrinkles across her jowls and above her lip, and ancient folds of skin carved into her sagging neck. The doctored photo accompanies the ‘Enquirer’ medical team exposing “Hillary’s full medical file,” and though they haven’t actually got their hands on so much as Hillary’s nail file, they’ve discussed it among themselves and concluded that she suffers pretty much every ailment imaginable: Alzheimer’s disease, muscular dystrophy, multiple sclerosis, brain damage, three strokes, alcoholism, liver damage, violent rages and memory loss.

This is the same crack ‘Enquirer’ medical team that tells us “acting legend Al Pacino has undergone life-or-death cataract surgery” - because every medical reporter knows that cataracts left untreated can lead to blindness, which as we all know is a fatal condition.
The most bizarre story of the week is the ‘Enquirer’ “world exclusive” interview with John Mark Carr, secreted away in Thailand, who claims that he witnessed the death of child beauty pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey in 1996, and helped move her body and “stage” the murder scene that police subsequently found. But Carr “refused to name the killer … or be more specific about the ‘accident.” Even the ‘Enquirer’ is at a loss to explain why Carr “oddly” insisted that DNA evidence found by police at the murder scene “has absolutely no connection to that little girl’s death.” It’s a story lacking all credibility, but that never troubles the ‘Enquirer.’

Tom Hanks’s alleged impending divorce has been a ‘Globe’ obsession for months, but nobody seems to have told Hanks, who tells ‘Us’ magazine that he’s the biggest supporter of wife Rita Wilson’s singing career, insisting: “I’m the biggest groupie.”

‘Us’ mag devotes its cover to the heartbreaking news that Taylor Swift and actor Tom Hiddleston have called it quits after a three-month fling which seemed designed to titilate tabloid editors while annoying the heck out of the rest of the world.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ mag to tell us that Olivia Culpo (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, rapper Trina carries lip gloss and lollipops in her Chanel satchel, Harry Connick Jr. “once ate 19 Krispy Kreme doughnuts in one sitting,” and that the stars are just like us: they go shopping, wear hats, play with their dogs and pump their own gas.

‘People’ magazine devotes its cover to ‘Bridget Jones’s Baby’ actor Patrick Dempsey revealing how he saved his marriage and found new joy in fatherhood. Why did Dempsey walk out on his wife of 22 years in January 2015? “I became frustrated with the lack of quality of experience in my life,” he explains. “I wanted to get to that deeper level, and not just skirt the surface.” I hope Mrs. Dempsey had a better time understanding that than I did.
News hounds can rejoice that this week ‘People’ mag gives us its 2016 “Style Issue!’ devoting 30 vacuous pages to celebrity fashions. This fall’s top fashion tip: fill your closet with leopard prints and velvet. Will do!

There are always gems to be found among the advertisements run in the tabloids, and amid this week’s ads for miracle anti-wrinkle pills, “love bug” pendants for “your special granddaughter,” Thomas Kinkade’s frosted glass snowman, a Snoopy porcelain music box, nail fungus therapy and a Star Trek 50th anniversary glass sculpture, there’s the impossible-to-resist 12-inch “Mother Teresa Canonization Collector’s Edition” statuette complete with tiny crucifix, rosary, and her trademark blue-trimmed white sari. Best of all, it comes with a “free rosary for personal use,” all for only “five easy payments of $25.99 each.” Or you could just send the money to starving children in India.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

It’s hard to be disturbed by this week’s tabloid revelations that Hillary Clinton is dying, Robert Wagner has been arrested for murdering Natalie Wood, and Tom Hanks’ marriage is imploding in a $355 million divorce battle, when the 'National Examiner' reveals that a “phantom planet” is heading our way and will “destroy Earth.”

You’d think that might be big news, but the end of the world doesn’t even merit a mention on the Examiner’s own cover, instead devoted to “The Royals Nobody Knows,” with the revelation that Prince William and wife Kate will “drag the dusty old royals into the modern world.” Not that there will be a world left for the royals to enjoy, if the Examiner’s crack scientific reporting team is correct in its analysis of a “new video of a rare blood moon” which supposedly shows that “a rogue planet is hurtling toward a collision with Earth.” The ‘Examiner’ seems unconcerned that the video doesn’t show a hidden planet, which doesn’t exist in reality and has been widely debunked in all but the most paranoid corners of the interwebs.

It’s about as realistic as everything else in this week’s tabloids, however, which seem to have given up even attempting a semblance of accuracy.

“Robert Wagner Murder Arrest!” screams the ‘Globe’ cover, with a photo of the actor in handcuffs. Search hard, and you’ll find in tiny print the word: “Dramatization.” Search within, and you’ll find that Wagner has not even been arrested - that’s simply what the ‘Globe’ believes should happen, as it refuses to stop beating this long-dead horse. There’s no new evidence in the case, but the ‘Globe' claims investigators have reviewed decades-old evidence and concluded that Wagner had at least one affair - “possibly two” - while married to ‘West Side Story’ star Wood. If true, that would tell any rational reader that Wagner had cheated on his wife. But to the insightful ‘Globe’ crime reporters such allegations of infidelity can mean only one thing: he killed his wife. Seems logical.

The ‘National Enquirer’ doesn’t even give Hillary Clinton the benefit of a “dramatization” caption when its cover photo features a disturbing shot of the presidential candidate Photoshopped with dark wrinkled bags beneath both hollowed eyes, deep wrinkles across her jowls and above her lip, and ancient folds of skin carved into her sagging neck. The doctored photo accompanies the ‘Enquirer’ medical team exposing “Hillary’s full medical file,” and though they haven’t actually got their hands on so much as Hillary’s nail file, they’ve discussed it among themselves and concluded that she suffers pretty much every ailment imaginable: Alzheimer’s disease, muscular dystrophy, multiple sclerosis, brain damage, three strokes, alcoholism, liver damage, violent rages and memory loss.

This is the same crack ‘Enquirer’ medical team that tells us “acting legend Al Pacino has undergone life-or-death cataract surgery” - because every medical reporter knows that cataracts left untreated can lead to blindness, which as we all know is a fatal condition.
The most bizarre story of the week is the ‘Enquirer’ “world exclusive” interview with John Mark Carr, secreted away in Thailand, who claims that he witnessed the death of child beauty pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey in 1996, and helped move her body and “stage” the murder scene that police subsequently found. But Carr “refused to name the killer … or be more specific about the ‘accident.” Even the ‘Enquirer’ is at a loss to explain why Carr “oddly” insisted that DNA evidence found by police at the murder scene “has absolutely no connection to that little girl’s death.” It’s a story lacking all credibility, but that never troubles the ‘Enquirer.’

Tom Hanks’s alleged impending divorce has been a ‘Globe’ obsession for months, but nobody seems to have told Hanks, who tells ‘Us’ magazine that he’s the biggest supporter of wife Rita Wilson’s singing career, insisting: “I’m the biggest groupie.”

‘Us’ mag devotes its cover to the heartbreaking news that Taylor Swift and actor Tom Hiddleston have called it quits after a three-month fling which seemed designed to titilate tabloid editors while annoying the heck out of the rest of the world.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ mag to tell us that Olivia Culpo (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, rapper Trina carries lip gloss and lollipops in her Chanel satchel, Harry Connick Jr. “once ate 19 Krispy Kreme doughnuts in one sitting,” and that the stars are just like us: they go shopping, wear hats, play with their dogs and pump their own gas.

‘People’ magazine devotes its cover to ‘Bridget Jones’s Baby’ actor Patrick Dempsey revealing how he saved his marriage and found new joy in fatherhood. Why did Dempsey walk out on his wife of 22 years in January 2015? “I became frustrated with the lack of quality of experience in my life,” he explains. “I wanted to get to that deeper level, and not just skirt the surface.” I hope Mrs. Dempsey had a better time understanding that than I did.
News hounds can rejoice that this week ‘People’ mag gives us its 2016 “Style Issue!’ devoting 30 vacuous pages to celebrity fashions. This fall’s top fashion tip: fill your closet with leopard prints and velvet. Will do!

There are always gems to be found among the advertisements run in the tabloids, and amid this week’s ads for miracle anti-wrinkle pills, “love bug” pendants for “your special granddaughter,” Thomas Kinkade’s frosted glass snowman, a Snoopy porcelain music box, nail fungus therapy and a Star Trek 50th anniversary glass sculpture, there’s the impossible-to-resist 12-inch “Mother Teresa Canonization Collector’s Edition” statuette complete with tiny crucifix, rosary, and her trademark blue-trimmed white sari. Best of all, it comes with a “free rosary for personal use,” all for only “five easy payments of $25.99 each.” Or you could just send the money to starving children in India.

We loved you in ’48 Hrs’ and ‘Down and Out in Beverly Hills.’ You were masterful in ‘The Thin Red Line’ and ‘Cape Fear.’

It’s sad, but at the age of 75 you’ve lived a good life, enjoyed your share of drink and drugs, and earned three richly-deserved Academy Award nominations.

But now it’s time to go.

A month ago the 'National Enquirer' gave you four weeks to live, and now your time’s up. A good actor knows when to leave the stage. I know you’re looking hale and hearty, but the ‘Enquirer' equates your unkempt hair and occasional disheveled attire with mental decay and imminent death, and their team of highly trained medical correspondents couldn’t possibly be wrong could they? I know you have a new TV series, ‘Graves,’ debuting in October, but the ‘Enquirer’ wants you in a grave of your own. II know you wouldn’t want to make liars out of the good and decent folks at the ‘Enquirer.’ I’m sure your fans can trust you to do the right thing.

The good news, Nick, is that you won’t be alone in the morgue. Jack Nicholson is also on his last legs, according to the ‘Enquirer,’ which claims ‘Dying Jack’s love child fights for $400 million fortune.’ Nicholson allegedly fathered a daughter in Denmark 35 years ago, and his “face would light up” whenever she was around, though he never publicly acknowledged her. But now Jack is at death’s door - or at least, his family is reportedly "worried about his cholesterol" - and that’s always the cue for a good old fight over a star’s fortune.

Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton is also dying, “battling MS” according to the Globe, which has decided she “can’t walk without help.” Despite clearly walking unaided before reporters and TV cameras daily, apparently the couple of momentary occasions when she has been given a polite helping hand up a slick staircase is reason to believe that she’s soon going to be doing ads for Life Alert shouting: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Actress-singer Cher, who the tabloids have been promising for several years is at death’s door, has now reached a “deathbed truce” with “dying ex-husband Gregg Allman,” claims the Globe. After years of estrangement, she reportedly "wanted to be sure she is there for him before he passes.” Allman, however, plans “on getting better and back on the road as soon as I can.” How ungrateful can you get?

Back in the world of the living - though the tabloids had him dying just weeks ago - Bill Clinton must be kicking himself that me missed President Obama’s “Wild White House Orgy!” As the ‘Globe’ explains, after Obama celebrated his 55th birthday with “an outrageous $2 million White House bash,” he and several friends retired to a private room where they indulged in booze, pot and cocaine, while ‘two of his friends received oral sex from women believed to be high-class hookers brought in for the event.” It’s good to know that the White House is no longer using interns for this long-established practice, and equally gratifying that the hookers were brought in for the event, and not part of the permanent White House staff. Still, it’s hard to imagine that the party actually cost $2 million, unless Beyonce, Ellen DeGeneres and Stevie Wonder actually charged appearance fees to be there. The story comes from “D.C. insiders,” so it must be true.

The ‘Enquirer’ exposes a Natalie Wood “autopsy cover-up,” as it reveals that the coroner failed to take fingernail clippings from her body. When was this detail first revealed? In the ‘West Side Story’ star’s autopsy report almost 35 years ago - but that’s news to the ‘Enquirer.’ Former coroner Dr Thomas Noguchi recently gave a deposition in the case as police take a fresh look at the death, and in the absence of any real breaking news, the ‘Enquirer' has dusted off that decades-old tidbit and decided it's part of a deliberate cover-up. Hard to argue with that logic.

Fortunately we have ‘Us' magazine’s crack investigative team to tell us that Zendaya wore it best, Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs sleeps “with 15 pillows,” ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ star Teresa Giudice carries lip gloss, lip liner and lipstick in her black Furla handbag, and the stars are just like us: they play golf, boogie board, eat ice cream and ride bikes.
‘Us' mag devotes its cover to Jinger Duggar and fiancé Jeremy revealing details of “our whirlwind courtship,” and how they are “saving their first kiss” - kiss! - “for their ‘intimate’ wedding day.” Ye gods and little fishes. Us mag keeps putting the myriad Duggar family members on its cover, so I have to assume they sell copies, but I’m at a loss to comprehend the fascination with this dysfunctional clan of sexually-repressed breeders.
“America’s sweethearts” dominate the cover of ‘People' magazine, as the U.S. women’s Olympics gymnastics team “share their emotional journey to gold.” Revelations include Simone Biles admitting: “I have everything I need,” and Laurie Hernandez confessing: “We all support each other really well.” Shocking.

Most helpful story of the week comes courtesy of the 'National Examiner,' offering “5 surprising uses for your old comb” - groom your pet, defuzz your sweater, scratch your back, fluff up rugs, and then - and this is the wonderful part - decorate a cake by running your old comb through the frosting. Yum! Next week I’d like to read about “5 surprising uses for your old Puffy Combs."

The Examiner also offers readers guidance on how to become billionaires by looking for “lost or hidden loot” which can be found “buried in forests, hidden in mines and lurking beneath ocean waves.” Sunken pirate treasure, buried Spanish gold and other fortunes are “out there - for anyone to find!” promises the Examiner, which may have been reading ‘Treasure Island’ and mistaken it for a scientific report. Easily done. “Somewhere inside a remote mountain in New Mexico there’s a treasure of gold and other items believed to be worth about $2 billion,” the Examiner gushes. Prospector Doc Noss reportedly discovered the treasure in 1937, and then “could never find the right spot again.” I have the same problem with my car keys.

Onwards and downwards . . .

P.S. If Nick Nolte dies after the publication of this story I’d like to extend my heartfelt condolences to his loved ones, and to the ‘Enquirer’ editors who suffer heart attacks when they realize that they actually got a story right.]]>

Farewell, Nick Nolte. We’ll miss you.

We loved you in ’48 Hrs’ and ‘Down and Out in Beverly Hills.’ You were masterful in ‘The Thin Red Line’ and ‘Cape Fear.’

It’s sad, but at the age of 75 you’ve lived a good life, enjoyed your share of drink and drugs, and earned three richly-deserved Academy Award nominations.

But now it’s time to go.

A month ago the 'National Enquirer' gave you four weeks to live, and now your time’s up. A good actor knows when to leave the stage. I know you’re looking hale and hearty, but the ‘Enquirer' equates your unkempt hair and occasional disheveled attire with mental decay and imminent death, and their team of highly trained medical correspondents couldn’t possibly be wrong could they? I know you have a new TV series, ‘Graves,’ debuting in October, but the ‘Enquirer’ wants you in a grave of your own. II know you wouldn’t want to make liars out of the good and decent folks at the ‘Enquirer.’ I’m sure your fans can trust you to do the right thing.

The good news, Nick, is that you won’t be alone in the morgue. Jack Nicholson is also on his last legs, according to the ‘Enquirer,’ which claims ‘Dying Jack’s love child fights for $400 million fortune.’ Nicholson allegedly fathered a daughter in Denmark 35 years ago, and his “face would light up” whenever she was around, though he never publicly acknowledged her. But now Jack is at death’s door - or at least, his family is reportedly "worried about his cholesterol" - and that’s always the cue for a good old fight over a star’s fortune.

Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton is also dying, “battling MS” according to the Globe, which has decided she “can’t walk without help.” Despite clearly walking unaided before reporters and TV cameras daily, apparently the couple of momentary occasions when she has been given a polite helping hand up a slick staircase is reason to believe that she’s soon going to be doing ads for Life Alert shouting: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Actress-singer Cher, who the tabloids have been promising for several years is at death’s door, has now reached a “deathbed truce” with “dying ex-husband Gregg Allman,” claims the Globe. After years of estrangement, she reportedly "wanted to be sure she is there for him before he passes.” Allman, however, plans “on getting better and back on the road as soon as I can.” How ungrateful can you get?

Back in the world of the living - though the tabloids had him dying just weeks ago - Bill Clinton must be kicking himself that me missed President Obama’s “Wild White House Orgy!” As the ‘Globe’ explains, after Obama celebrated his 55th birthday with “an outrageous $2 million White House bash,” he and several friends retired to a private room where they indulged in booze, pot and cocaine, while ‘two of his friends received oral sex from women believed to be high-class hookers brought in for the event.” It’s good to know that the White House is no longer using interns for this long-established practice, and equally gratifying that the hookers were brought in for the event, and not part of the permanent White House staff. Still, it’s hard to imagine that the party actually cost $2 million, unless Beyonce, Ellen DeGeneres and Stevie Wonder actually charged appearance fees to be there. The story comes from “D.C. insiders,” so it must be true.

The ‘Enquirer’ exposes a Natalie Wood “autopsy cover-up,” as it reveals that the coroner failed to take fingernail clippings from her body. When was this detail first revealed? In the ‘West Side Story’ star’s autopsy report almost 35 years ago - but that’s news to the ‘Enquirer.’ Former coroner Dr Thomas Noguchi recently gave a deposition in the case as police take a fresh look at the death, and in the absence of any real breaking news, the ‘Enquirer' has dusted off that decades-old tidbit and decided it's part of a deliberate cover-up. Hard to argue with that logic.

Fortunately we have ‘Us' magazine’s crack investigative team to tell us that Zendaya wore it best, Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs sleeps “with 15 pillows,” ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ star Teresa Giudice carries lip gloss, lip liner and lipstick in her black Furla handbag, and the stars are just like us: they play golf, boogie board, eat ice cream and ride bikes.
‘Us' mag devotes its cover to Jinger Duggar and fiancé Jeremy revealing details of “our whirlwind courtship,” and how they are “saving their first kiss” - kiss! - “for their ‘intimate’ wedding day.” Ye gods and little fishes. Us mag keeps putting the myriad Duggar family members on its cover, so I have to assume they sell copies, but I’m at a loss to comprehend the fascination with this dysfunctional clan of sexually-repressed breeders.
“America’s sweethearts” dominate the cover of ‘People' magazine, as the U.S. women’s Olympics gymnastics team “share their emotional journey to gold.” Revelations include Simone Biles admitting: “I have everything I need,” and Laurie Hernandez confessing: “We all support each other really well.” Shocking.

Most helpful story of the week comes courtesy of the 'National Examiner,' offering “5 surprising uses for your old comb” - groom your pet, defuzz your sweater, scratch your back, fluff up rugs, and then - and this is the wonderful part - decorate a cake by running your old comb through the frosting. Yum! Next week I’d like to read about “5 surprising uses for your old Puffy Combs."

The Examiner also offers readers guidance on how to become billionaires by looking for “lost or hidden loot” which can be found “buried in forests, hidden in mines and lurking beneath ocean waves.” Sunken pirate treasure, buried Spanish gold and other fortunes are “out there - for anyone to find!” promises the Examiner, which may have been reading ‘Treasure Island’ and mistaken it for a scientific report. Easily done. “Somewhere inside a remote mountain in New Mexico there’s a treasure of gold and other items believed to be worth about $2 billion,” the Examiner gushes. Prospector Doc Noss reportedly discovered the treasure in 1937, and then “could never find the right spot again.” I have the same problem with my car keys.

Onwards and downwards . . .

P.S. If Nick Nolte dies after the publication of this story I’d like to extend my heartfelt condolences to his loved ones, and to the ‘Enquirer’ editors who suffer heart attacks when they realize that they actually got a story right.]]>

You know the National Enquirer doesn’t believe its own story that it has found child beauty pageant murder victim JonBenet Ramsey’s killer when it relegates the story to a sliver at the bottom of its cover, and concludes that based on the alleged murderer's purported diary “authorities need to take a closer look at him as a potential suspect.”

People magazine doesn’t hesitate to devote its cover to JonBenet, promising “new twists in a 20-year mystery,” yet after police have reviewed more than 1,400 pieces of evidence, probed more than 140 suspects, and generated more than 50,000 pages of documents, “the case remains unsolved.” New twists? CBS is filming a TV series on the case, and JonBenet’s brother Burke is being interviewed by TV’s Dr. Phil next month. In other words: nothing new.

The Enquirer continues its assassination of “Crooked Hillary” Clinton, devoting this week’s cover to “Clinton’s secret health crisis.” Evidently she has suffered a “mental breakdown,” and is “eating herself to death,” having allegedly gained 103 lbs since announcing her candidacy for the White House. Her supposedly ravenous appetite for food, prescription drugs and alcohol have “caused her butt to balloon at least 20 inches in the three weeks since the Democratic National Convention, reports the Enquirer. You have to admire the Enquirer’s intrepid reporters, who each week must surreptitiously slip a tape measure around Hillary Clinton’s thighs, tracking every fluctuation in her adipose tissue. That’s investigative journalism at its best. As if that wasn’t bad enough, “she’s covering up a brain injury,” and dealing with her husband’s medical collapse “as dying Bill battles Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s” diseases, the Enquirer claims. No wonder Donald Trump complains about the media: he must be outraged by such unfair treatment of Hillary.

For those following the Nick Nolte Death Watch, he now has only one week left to live, since it’s been three weeks since the Enquirer gave him just a month left. Sister publication the Globe doesn’t seem to have received the pending death announcement, however, because Nick Nolte looks hale, hearty, and far from his deathbed when pictured in the magazine talking to Sheriff’s deputies after reportedly hitting a woman’s car. Should he even be driving around Malibu hitting strangers’ vehicles with only a week left to live, when he should be racing through his bucket list by climbing Machu Picchu or touring the pyramids? Perhaps he hasn’t seen the Enquirer’s reports, and doesn’t realize he only has only a few days left. So sad.

Sadder yet is Us magazine’s Olympics-themed cover story proclaiming: “gymnasts tell all!” And boy, do they tell all! Can we expect the secrets of sex, drugs, booze and debauchery in the Olympic village in Rio? No, of course not. Simone Biles reveals she “feels remarkably calm” while competing. Parallel bars darling Madison Kocian confesses that she is “a bit nervous” about starting studies at UCLA in the fall. US gymnastics team captain Aly Raisman admits “my stomach is sore, not from training but from laughing.” Wow, when these girls “tell all,” they really spill their guts.

People magazine profiles the “All-American Exorcists,” three girls formerly known as “The Teenage Exorcists” until they grew up. They claim to have expelled hundreds of demons from tragic victims - some of whom never even knew they were possessed until the evil spirits were removed. They tag team because “it’s not a smart thing to do by yourself,” says Brynne Larson, aged 22, in a warning to all little girls longing to grow up to become demon-busters. People may not know they are possessed, but Tess Scherkenback, aged 21, says: “We know when we’re looking at a demon. It’s quite an experience when you look pure evil straight in the face and it’s staring right back at you.” Or is that the mirror?

Actor Al Pacino has reportedly been seen in public “with wild uncombed hair, dirty fingernails and bizarre clothing,” reports the National Examiner, behavior which in kinder days past may have earned him a spot on the late Mr. Blackwell’s annual Worst Dressed List, but in today’s harsh tabloid climate prompts the magazine to report that he is suffering a “mental breakdown” and is “depressed, disheveled and appearing half-crazed.” And that’s not just journalistic speculation. “Al Pacino is heading for a catastrophic emotional breakdown, experts fear,” it explains. Experts? What experts? The magazine quotes a New York psychotherapist “who has not treated Al” but who admits: “Anything is possible.” Indeed.

This psychological analysis comes from the same tabloid that this week informs us to “Beware of dogman!” - a ferocious dog-like beast prowling American forests walking on its hind legs. “The dogman is very real,” assures the magazine. Like a canine version of a werewolf, “the dogman is the Midwest equivalent of Bigfoot,” the Examiner explains helpfully. I have a sneaking suspicion that the Examiner’s photo of a fanged, bearded man in tattered clothes baying at a full moon is a photo recreation. But I can’t be certain.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

You know the National Enquirer doesn’t believe its own story that it has found child beauty pageant murder victim JonBenet Ramsey’s killer when it relegates the story to a sliver at the bottom of its cover, and concludes that based on the alleged murderer's purported diary “authorities need to take a closer look at him as a potential suspect.”

People magazine doesn’t hesitate to devote its cover to JonBenet, promising “new twists in a 20-year mystery,” yet after police have reviewed more than 1,400 pieces of evidence, probed more than 140 suspects, and generated more than 50,000 pages of documents, “the case remains unsolved.” New twists? CBS is filming a TV series on the case, and JonBenet’s brother Burke is being interviewed by TV’s Dr. Phil next month. In other words: nothing new.

The Enquirer continues its assassination of “Crooked Hillary” Clinton, devoting this week’s cover to “Clinton’s secret health crisis.” Evidently she has suffered a “mental breakdown,” and is “eating herself to death,” having allegedly gained 103 lbs since announcing her candidacy for the White House. Her supposedly ravenous appetite for food, prescription drugs and alcohol have “caused her butt to balloon at least 20 inches in the three weeks since the Democratic National Convention, reports the Enquirer. You have to admire the Enquirer’s intrepid reporters, who each week must surreptitiously slip a tape measure around Hillary Clinton’s thighs, tracking every fluctuation in her adipose tissue. That’s investigative journalism at its best. As if that wasn’t bad enough, “she’s covering up a brain injury,” and dealing with her husband’s medical collapse “as dying Bill battles Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s” diseases, the Enquirer claims. No wonder Donald Trump complains about the media: he must be outraged by such unfair treatment of Hillary.

For those following the Nick Nolte Death Watch, he now has only one week left to live, since it’s been three weeks since the Enquirer gave him just a month left. Sister publication the Globe doesn’t seem to have received the pending death announcement, however, because Nick Nolte looks hale, hearty, and far from his deathbed when pictured in the magazine talking to Sheriff’s deputies after reportedly hitting a woman’s car. Should he even be driving around Malibu hitting strangers’ vehicles with only a week left to live, when he should be racing through his bucket list by climbing Machu Picchu or touring the pyramids? Perhaps he hasn’t seen the Enquirer’s reports, and doesn’t realize he only has only a few days left. So sad.

Sadder yet is Us magazine’s Olympics-themed cover story proclaiming: “gymnasts tell all!” And boy, do they tell all! Can we expect the secrets of sex, drugs, booze and debauchery in the Olympic village in Rio? No, of course not. Simone Biles reveals she “feels remarkably calm” while competing. Parallel bars darling Madison Kocian confesses that she is “a bit nervous” about starting studies at UCLA in the fall. US gymnastics team captain Aly Raisman admits “my stomach is sore, not from training but from laughing.” Wow, when these girls “tell all,” they really spill their guts.

People magazine profiles the “All-American Exorcists,” three girls formerly known as “The Teenage Exorcists” until they grew up. They claim to have expelled hundreds of demons from tragic victims - some of whom never even knew they were possessed until the evil spirits were removed. They tag team because “it’s not a smart thing to do by yourself,” says Brynne Larson, aged 22, in a warning to all little girls longing to grow up to become demon-busters. People may not know they are possessed, but Tess Scherkenback, aged 21, says: “We know when we’re looking at a demon. It’s quite an experience when you look pure evil straight in the face and it’s staring right back at you.” Or is that the mirror?

Actor Al Pacino has reportedly been seen in public “with wild uncombed hair, dirty fingernails and bizarre clothing,” reports the National Examiner, behavior which in kinder days past may have earned him a spot on the late Mr. Blackwell’s annual Worst Dressed List, but in today’s harsh tabloid climate prompts the magazine to report that he is suffering a “mental breakdown” and is “depressed, disheveled and appearing half-crazed.” And that’s not just journalistic speculation. “Al Pacino is heading for a catastrophic emotional breakdown, experts fear,” it explains. Experts? What experts? The magazine quotes a New York psychotherapist “who has not treated Al” but who admits: “Anything is possible.” Indeed.

This psychological analysis comes from the same tabloid that this week informs us to “Beware of dogman!” - a ferocious dog-like beast prowling American forests walking on its hind legs. “The dogman is very real,” assures the magazine. Like a canine version of a werewolf, “the dogman is the Midwest equivalent of Bigfoot,” the Examiner explains helpfully. I have a sneaking suspicion that the Examiner’s photo of a fanged, bearded man in tattered clothes baying at a full moon is a photo recreation. But I can’t be certain.

What’s in celebrity handbags this week? Is it lip gloss and sunglasses? Car keys and chewing gum? We’ll never know, because Us magazine this week deprives us of its weekly feature ‘What’s in my purse?’ which gives “celebrities" aspiring to rise to the D-List the opportunity to fill their tote bags with healthy snacks they’d never usually eat, products they’re paid to promote, and books they’d like to be seen reading. Has Us mag run out of celebrities? Has this window into stars’ private lives become too intrusive? Or could it be because every "celebrity” purse carries the same dull, predictable contents week after week? And why have we seen inside dozens of celebrities’ purses yet never encountered a single one with any condoms, soiled Kleenex, or medication for their bipolar disorder? They can’t have dropped the feature because there’s too much real news, because that’s one thing sorely lacking in this week's celebrity magazines and tabloids.

O.J. Simpson attempted a jail break, scooping out a shallow trench beneath the razor wire surrounding Nevada’s Lovelock Correctional Center, claims the Globe, which says that he was caught red-handed. It’s hard to imagine that one of the most recognizable inmates in the US prison system would try to escape under the eye of 213 prison guards and CCTV into a flat expanse of desert without any accomplices outside to help him flee, yet that’s what the Globe would have us believe. Or maybe he was just walking too close to the fence, and tripped?

The pro-Trump tabloids continue their attacks on Hillary Clinton, with mounting desperation. President Reagan’s shooter John Hinckley Jr has won release from a mental institution, and is “set free to kill!’ according to the Globe, which helpfully explains: “Why you should blame the Clintons.” Evidently the judge who released Hinckley was “appointed when Bill and Hillary Clinton ran the White House.” Because as every Globe readers knows, Hillary previously ran the White House for eight years, and personally appointed all members of the judiciary.

The National Enquirer’s front page screams that Donald Trump will take “revenge on Hillary & her puppets,” and discloses his “plot to get even.” Explaining that “Donald is determined to protect America,” it unveils his “no hold-barred strategy to expose their darkest secrets.” According to a “well-informed source,” these secrets include ”shocking details of President Obama’s cocaine rampages and homosexual romps” in Chicago decades ago, and evidence that he was born in Kenya and is a “secret Muslim.” But these aren’t secrets. They are long-discredited, thoroughly disproved and unsubstantiated tabloid tales of yesteryear exhumed from the vault for the sake of political muckraking. Fortunately, the world knows that Trump would never recklessly repeat unproven allegations from the Enquirer. Unless, of course, it’s to accuse Ted Cruz’s father of plotting with Lee Harvey Oswald to kill President John F Kennedy, as Trump did in May.

Are Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Garner pregnant? They are according to the Enquirer and Globe respectively, which means that both have simply been photographed with the slightest of stomach bulges, and the tabloids’ crack team of psychic gynecologists made the medical diagnosis.

For those watching the Nick Nolte Death Countdown, the excitement mounts: there are only two weeks left before he shuffles off this mortal coil, according to the Globe, which two weeks ago gave the actor just a month to live.

This week Nolte is joined by a host of other dying stars who “fight for life” in their “sad last days,” according to the National Examiner. Robert Redford, Julie Andrews, Al Pacino, Ryan O’Neal, Valerie Harper, Howie Mandel, Shelley Long, Gene Wilder, Joan Baez, Carol Burnett and Jim Nabors are all on their way out, claims the Examiner, which by the law of averages is likely to strike it lucky and be right with at least one of them in the coming year. Amazingly, Nick Nolte isn’t on the Examiner’s list. Don’t they know he only has two weeks left to live? Nor is Cher, who has been given “weeks to live” numerous times over the past decade. According to the Globe, that’s because Cher’s “life was saved” by “controversial stem cell treatments.” But there’s a catch: “The life-saving therapy destroyed her body - and her famous face,” says the Globe, which claims her visage is “drooping and sagging.” I believe doctors call this phenomenon “aging,” but evidently the Globe thinks that 70-year-old Cher should still look like she did at 30. Then they ruin it all by including a photograph of Cher without makeup looking, frankly, sensational for her age, with no sign of jowls, no wrinkles, no wattle neck. Maybe they didn’t bother looking at her photo when they wrote the article.

Fortunately we have Us magazine’s crack investigative team to tell us that Yara Shahidi (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, that US Olympic athlete Simone Biles is “a Justin Bieber fan” whose favorite color is purple, and the stars are just like us: they skateboard, carry groceries, and walk their dogs.

Country singing star Blake Shelton tells how Gwen Stefani “saved my life,” which evidently didn’t include a near-drowning rescue at sea, and had more to do with how they comforted one another as their marriages fell apart, according to Us mag, which simply lifted its quotes from an interview Shelton gave to Billboard magazine and put them on its cover.

We don’t know what’s in a celebrity purse this week, but by way of compensation Us mag tells us what’s in the lunch box of the seven-year-old daughter of ‘American Pie’ actress Alyson Hannifin. Because enquiring minds want to know that her little girl loves “a banana and almond butter sandwich shaped like an owl.” Well, who doesn’t?

TV’s ‘Bachelorette’ JoJo Fletcher’s choice of Jordan Rodgers as the love of her life dominates the cover of People magazine, which reveals that “she calls him ‘lovey;’ he calls her ‘babe.’” And that’s about as revealing as it gets.

For truly chilling news we must turn to the National Examiner, which reveals that “children with soulless black eyes terrorize residents foolish enough to let them in” across the globe. Once considered an urban legend, inspiring a clutch of horror movies, the Examiner claims that there really are black-eyed children who appear on doorsteps seeking shelter, bringing paranormal mayhem in their wake. One woman who encountered two such children claims that since they departed, “three of her cats have gone missing and her husband has had severe nosebleeds and skin cancer.” There’s no way that could be a statistical anomaly - it has to be the curse of the “horror kids,” with eyes “as chilling and empty as the void of deep space.”

I fully expect the Enquirer to reveal next week that Hillary Clinton was a black-eyed child in her youth.

Onwards and downwards . . .
]]>

What’s in celebrity handbags this week? Is it lip gloss and sunglasses? Car keys and chewing gum? We’ll never know, because Us magazine this week deprives us of its weekly feature ‘What’s in my purse?’ which gives “celebrities" aspiring to rise to the D-List the opportunity to fill their tote bags with healthy snacks they’d never usually eat, products they’re paid to promote, and books they’d like to be seen reading. Has Us mag run out of celebrities? Has this window into stars’ private lives become too intrusive? Or could it be because every "celebrity” purse carries the same dull, predictable contents week after week? And why have we seen inside dozens of celebrities’ purses yet never encountered a single one with any condoms, soiled Kleenex, or medication for their bipolar disorder? They can’t have dropped the feature because there’s too much real news, because that’s one thing sorely lacking in this week's celebrity magazines and tabloids.

O.J. Simpson attempted a jail break, scooping out a shallow trench beneath the razor wire surrounding Nevada’s Lovelock Correctional Center, claims the Globe, which says that he was caught red-handed. It’s hard to imagine that one of the most recognizable inmates in the US prison system would try to escape under the eye of 213 prison guards and CCTV into a flat expanse of desert without any accomplices outside to help him flee, yet that’s what the Globe would have us believe. Or maybe he was just walking too close to the fence, and tripped?

The pro-Trump tabloids continue their attacks on Hillary Clinton, with mounting desperation. President Reagan’s shooter John Hinckley Jr has won release from a mental institution, and is “set free to kill!’ according to the Globe, which helpfully explains: “Why you should blame the Clintons.” Evidently the judge who released Hinckley was “appointed when Bill and Hillary Clinton ran the White House.” Because as every Globe readers knows, Hillary previously ran the White House for eight years, and personally appointed all members of the judiciary.

The National Enquirer’s front page screams that Donald Trump will take “revenge on Hillary & her puppets,” and discloses his “plot to get even.” Explaining that “Donald is determined to protect America,” it unveils his “no hold-barred strategy to expose their darkest secrets.” According to a “well-informed source,” these secrets include ”shocking details of President Obama’s cocaine rampages and homosexual romps” in Chicago decades ago, and evidence that he was born in Kenya and is a “secret Muslim.” But these aren’t secrets. They are long-discredited, thoroughly disproved and unsubstantiated tabloid tales of yesteryear exhumed from the vault for the sake of political muckraking. Fortunately, the world knows that Trump would never recklessly repeat unproven allegations from the Enquirer. Unless, of course, it’s to accuse Ted Cruz’s father of plotting with Lee Harvey Oswald to kill President John F Kennedy, as Trump did in May.

Are Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Garner pregnant? They are according to the Enquirer and Globe respectively, which means that both have simply been photographed with the slightest of stomach bulges, and the tabloids’ crack team of psychic gynecologists made the medical diagnosis.

For those watching the Nick Nolte Death Countdown, the excitement mounts: there are only two weeks left before he shuffles off this mortal coil, according to the Globe, which two weeks ago gave the actor just a month to live.

This week Nolte is joined by a host of other dying stars who “fight for life” in their “sad last days,” according to the National Examiner. Robert Redford, Julie Andrews, Al Pacino, Ryan O’Neal, Valerie Harper, Howie Mandel, Shelley Long, Gene Wilder, Joan Baez, Carol Burnett and Jim Nabors are all on their way out, claims the Examiner, which by the law of averages is likely to strike it lucky and be right with at least one of them in the coming year. Amazingly, Nick Nolte isn’t on the Examiner’s list. Don’t they know he only has two weeks left to live? Nor is Cher, who has been given “weeks to live” numerous times over the past decade. According to the Globe, that’s because Cher’s “life was saved” by “controversial stem cell treatments.” But there’s a catch: “The life-saving therapy destroyed her body - and her famous face,” says the Globe, which claims her visage is “drooping and sagging.” I believe doctors call this phenomenon “aging,” but evidently the Globe thinks that 70-year-old Cher should still look like she did at 30. Then they ruin it all by including a photograph of Cher without makeup looking, frankly, sensational for her age, with no sign of jowls, no wrinkles, no wattle neck. Maybe they didn’t bother looking at her photo when they wrote the article.

Fortunately we have Us magazine’s crack investigative team to tell us that Yara Shahidi (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, that US Olympic athlete Simone Biles is “a Justin Bieber fan” whose favorite color is purple, and the stars are just like us: they skateboard, carry groceries, and walk their dogs.

Country singing star Blake Shelton tells how Gwen Stefani “saved my life,” which evidently didn’t include a near-drowning rescue at sea, and had more to do with how they comforted one another as their marriages fell apart, according to Us mag, which simply lifted its quotes from an interview Shelton gave to Billboard magazine and put them on its cover.

We don’t know what’s in a celebrity purse this week, but by way of compensation Us mag tells us what’s in the lunch box of the seven-year-old daughter of ‘American Pie’ actress Alyson Hannifin. Because enquiring minds want to know that her little girl loves “a banana and almond butter sandwich shaped like an owl.” Well, who doesn’t?

TV’s ‘Bachelorette’ JoJo Fletcher’s choice of Jordan Rodgers as the love of her life dominates the cover of People magazine, which reveals that “she calls him ‘lovey;’ he calls her ‘babe.’” And that’s about as revealing as it gets.

For truly chilling news we must turn to the National Examiner, which reveals that “children with soulless black eyes terrorize residents foolish enough to let them in” across the globe. Once considered an urban legend, inspiring a clutch of horror movies, the Examiner claims that there really are black-eyed children who appear on doorsteps seeking shelter, bringing paranormal mayhem in their wake. One woman who encountered two such children claims that since they departed, “three of her cats have gone missing and her husband has had severe nosebleeds and skin cancer.” There’s no way that could be a statistical anomaly - it has to be the curse of the “horror kids,” with eyes “as chilling and empty as the void of deep space.”

I fully expect the Enquirer to reveal next week that Hillary Clinton was a black-eyed child in her youth.

The lost continent of Atlantis has been discovered, and the grammatically-challenged National Examiner reveals: “descendants of Atlantis still roaming the streets today.”
It’s probably too late for Atlantians to be accredited to compete in the Summer Olympics, but Atlantis survivors will be delighted to know that their homeland isn’t a mythological fiction after all - which is more than can be said for much of the offerings in this week’s tabloids.

Former kidnap victim and 18-year prisoner Jaycee Dugard faces a “new nightmare” and “desperate fight to protect her kids” after learning that her abductor may be eligible for early release . . . in 2036, at the age of 85. That’s actually when kidnapper Phillip Garrido would become legally eligible for parole, but since he was sentenced to 431 years behind bars, the Enquirer’s fears may be slightly overblown.

That’s equally true for Amal Clooney’s “secret pregnancy,” as the Enquirer claims: “George Clooney’s wife hoping a baby will save their rocky marriage.” Has she announced her pregnancy? Of course not! “Insiders have exclusively claimed” that she is expecting, which in reality means that a recent photograph of Amal showed her with the merest hint of a paunch, and in the mythical world of the tabloids that’s as good as a pink + on a pregnancy test strip.

Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have “Split!” according to the Enquirer cover, though inside the report backtracks to claim only that they “are on the brink of a nasty divorce.” Why? Because Rita allegedly threw a fit over her wardrobe selection at a photo shoot. Sure sounds like grounds for divorce to me.

Country singing star Kenny Rogers “tells all before he dies,” screams the Globe’s cover, though clearly he isn’t speaking to the Globe, and while he allegedly tells “a friend” of his unconsummated love for Dolly Parton and his obsession with cosmetic surgery, Rogers doesn’t tell us where Jimmy Hoffa is buried, the true identity of Jack the Ripper, or whether aliens built the pyramids - so strictly speaking he’s not telling all.

At least we now know where Atlantis is: at the bottom of the Mediterranean. This will come as a bitter blow to actress Shirley MacLaine, whose latest book ‘My Wild Oats Adventure’ explained at great length that Atlantis was in the Canary Islands off northwest Africa and that she was present when it sank without a trace, but you can’t argue with facts, and according to the Examiner scientists have definitively discovered Atlantis. Or at least, they’ve found remnants of the city. Well, actually, just a 10,000-year-old monument under water off the coast of Sicily. Okay, maybe it was just a lighthouse. Alright, it’s just a large stone with a hole “or an anchoring system,” scientists tell the Examiner. So that’s Atlantis for you: no marble palaces, grand forums or sweeping amphitheaters; just a large stone where you could tie up your ship.

Perhaps there’s less to this story than meets the eye, which is certainly true of the Globe’s report that actress Demi Moore and Britain’s Prince Andrew are enjoying a “hot new romance.” While that may well be Randy Andy’s dream, it’s simply a case of the duo being spotted together at the Chelsea Flower Show in London in May, and a lot of wishful editorial thinking. It’s also true of the Globe’s claim that Dolly Parton’s “boobs explode.” When did this shocking incident occur? “They nearly killed her in 1992,” reports the Globe, always first with breaking news.

And let’s not forget our fun funeral countdown for Nick Nolte, who now has only three weeks before he pops his clogs. Last week the Globe gave him four weeks to live, and we’ll be counting down each week. So exciting. I’m sure Nick’s finding this as entertaining as we are.

He could fill his final days reading Us magazine’s cover story on TV’s ‘Bachelorette’ star JoJo, who evidently had to think twice before accepting a suitor’s proposal of marriage. Shocking. Us magazine won’t disclose which lover JoJo chooses, because it has signed a confidentiality agreement with the show’s producers, but it happily describes contestant Jordan Rodgers as a “confident former NFL player,” and then reveals that she rejects a “once-confident man.” I wonder who that could be?

People magazine puts Britain’s Prince George on its cover and devotes six pages inside to the three-year-old who can barely form cogent sentences and has nothing to say, which makes for a thrilling read. People also devotes five pages to sandwiches - PB&J, turkey, egg, tuna and steak - which have about as much to say for themselves as Prince George.

Thankfully we have Us magazine’s crack reporting team to tell us that Alicia Vikander wore it best, actress Julia Stiles was taught to knit by Julia Roberts, Olympic swimmer Missy Franklin carries sunglasses, hair ties and lipstick in her Speedo backpack, and the stars are just like us: they walk their dogs, take family camping trips, surf, golf, and post mail.

Not to be outdone by People mag’s sandwiches, the Examiner brings us two glorious pages of deep-fried food from America’s fairgrounds, including deep-fried Oreos, cheese curd, beer ravioli, watermelon, avocado, butter, and chocolate-covered bacon. If Americans keep eating food like this, don’t be surprised if the U.S. follows Atlantis and sinks into the sea under the weight of its deep-fried obesity.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

The lost continent of Atlantis has been discovered, and the grammatically-challenged National Examiner reveals: “descendants of Atlantis still roaming the streets today.”
It’s probably too late for Atlantians to be accredited to compete in the Summer Olympics, but Atlantis survivors will be delighted to know that their homeland isn’t a mythological fiction after all - which is more than can be said for much of the offerings in this week’s tabloids.

Former kidnap victim and 18-year prisoner Jaycee Dugard faces a “new nightmare” and “desperate fight to protect her kids” after learning that her abductor may be eligible for early release . . . in 2036, at the age of 85. That’s actually when kidnapper Phillip Garrido would become legally eligible for parole, but since he was sentenced to 431 years behind bars, the Enquirer’s fears may be slightly overblown.

That’s equally true for Amal Clooney’s “secret pregnancy,” as the Enquirer claims: “George Clooney’s wife hoping a baby will save their rocky marriage.” Has she announced her pregnancy? Of course not! “Insiders have exclusively claimed” that she is expecting, which in reality means that a recent photograph of Amal showed her with the merest hint of a paunch, and in the mythical world of the tabloids that’s as good as a pink + on a pregnancy test strip.

Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have “Split!” according to the Enquirer cover, though inside the report backtracks to claim only that they “are on the brink of a nasty divorce.” Why? Because Rita allegedly threw a fit over her wardrobe selection at a photo shoot. Sure sounds like grounds for divorce to me.

Country singing star Kenny Rogers “tells all before he dies,” screams the Globe’s cover, though clearly he isn’t speaking to the Globe, and while he allegedly tells “a friend” of his unconsummated love for Dolly Parton and his obsession with cosmetic surgery, Rogers doesn’t tell us where Jimmy Hoffa is buried, the true identity of Jack the Ripper, or whether aliens built the pyramids - so strictly speaking he’s not telling all.

At least we now know where Atlantis is: at the bottom of the Mediterranean. This will come as a bitter blow to actress Shirley MacLaine, whose latest book ‘My Wild Oats Adventure’ explained at great length that Atlantis was in the Canary Islands off northwest Africa and that she was present when it sank without a trace, but you can’t argue with facts, and according to the Examiner scientists have definitively discovered Atlantis. Or at least, they’ve found remnants of the city. Well, actually, just a 10,000-year-old monument under water off the coast of Sicily. Okay, maybe it was just a lighthouse. Alright, it’s just a large stone with a hole “or an anchoring system,” scientists tell the Examiner. So that’s Atlantis for you: no marble palaces, grand forums or sweeping amphitheaters; just a large stone where you could tie up your ship.

Perhaps there’s less to this story than meets the eye, which is certainly true of the Globe’s report that actress Demi Moore and Britain’s Prince Andrew are enjoying a “hot new romance.” While that may well be Randy Andy’s dream, it’s simply a case of the duo being spotted together at the Chelsea Flower Show in London in May, and a lot of wishful editorial thinking. It’s also true of the Globe’s claim that Dolly Parton’s “boobs explode.” When did this shocking incident occur? “They nearly killed her in 1992,” reports the Globe, always first with breaking news.

And let’s not forget our fun funeral countdown for Nick Nolte, who now has only three weeks before he pops his clogs. Last week the Globe gave him four weeks to live, and we’ll be counting down each week. So exciting. I’m sure Nick’s finding this as entertaining as we are.

He could fill his final days reading Us magazine’s cover story on TV’s ‘Bachelorette’ star JoJo, who evidently had to think twice before accepting a suitor’s proposal of marriage. Shocking. Us magazine won’t disclose which lover JoJo chooses, because it has signed a confidentiality agreement with the show’s producers, but it happily describes contestant Jordan Rodgers as a “confident former NFL player,” and then reveals that she rejects a “once-confident man.” I wonder who that could be?

People magazine puts Britain’s Prince George on its cover and devotes six pages inside to the three-year-old who can barely form cogent sentences and has nothing to say, which makes for a thrilling read. People also devotes five pages to sandwiches - PB&J, turkey, egg, tuna and steak - which have about as much to say for themselves as Prince George.

Thankfully we have Us magazine’s crack reporting team to tell us that Alicia Vikander wore it best, actress Julia Stiles was taught to knit by Julia Roberts, Olympic swimmer Missy Franklin carries sunglasses, hair ties and lipstick in her Speedo backpack, and the stars are just like us: they walk their dogs, take family camping trips, surf, golf, and post mail.

Not to be outdone by People mag’s sandwiches, the Examiner brings us two glorious pages of deep-fried food from America’s fairgrounds, including deep-fried Oreos, cheese curd, beer ravioli, watermelon, avocado, butter, and chocolate-covered bacon. If Americans keep eating food like this, don’t be surprised if the U.S. follows Atlantis and sinks into the sea under the weight of its deep-fried obesity.

Forget Iraq and Afghanistan, Syria and Nigeria. It’s Kim Kardashian vs Taylor Swift that has Us mag so excited, after the reality TV queen called the singer a “f--king liar.”

People magazine also gets in on the war reporting as Kim and Tay’s “feud explodes” after Kim videoed husband Kanye West asking Swift’s permission to include a song lyric saying they might have sex - but failed to tell Taylor that he was going to call her a “bitch" that he made famous. Therein lies the philosophical difference that evidently is the pop culture equivalent of assassinating the Archduke of Austro-Hungary.

The Globe is preoccupied with another battle-front: “Queen Kate’s War With Di’s Brother!” Ignoring for a moment the fact that Kate is neither Queen, nor will she be even when HRH Queen Elizabeth pops her royal clogs, Duchess Kate is supposedly outraged that Diana’s brother, Earl Charles Spencer, is renting out his stately home - and Diana’s last resting place - to well-heeled tourists. for up to $40,000- a-night. Perhaps the Globe is forgetting that Buckingham Palace is currently open to visitors until October 1 for a mere 37 pounds (about $49)?

A “Top Secret GOP Convention Plot” to ensure that Donald Trump wins the presidential election is exposed by the National Enquirer. I’m not sure how secret a “convention plot” can be when it’s being televised live every day, but the Enquirer nevertheless reveals Trump’s “7-Step Plan to destroy Hillary.” This supposedly involves the GOP exposing seven dark secrets about the Democratic candidate and her husband, including Hillary’s alleged “lesbian shenanigans,” her spell in an Illinois mental hospital “following a nervous breakdown caused by Bill’s cheating,” Bill’s illegitimate love child with an ex-lover, exposing Monica Lewinsky’s secret diaries, and Hillary’s secret pact to divorce Bill if she loses the election. Let’s see how many of these are even mentioned at the convention, let alone becoming major planks in the GOP platform, shall we?

Actor Nick Nolte has only “4 weeks to live!” claims the Globe. “Nolte dead in a month,” agrees the Enquirer. Evidently he is suffering “clogged sinuses” (sounds like a death sentence to me) and “cardiac palpitations.” How do they know he has only days to live? “Friends are worried,” reports the Globe. He was reportedly spotted wandering the streets of Los Angeles “in filthy clothes.” As everyone knows, dirty clothes are an infallible sign of terminal late-stage chronic fashion blindness. Death is sure to follow swiftly (or Kardashianly, depending on which side of that conflict you’re on.). I'm starting a death count-down. Let's see if Mr. Nolte is still with us in four week’s time. He won’t let the tabloids down like Val Kilmer, who over a year ago was given just weeks to live but stubbornly refuses to go. Or Cher, or Bill Clinton, or the Queen, or George Bush, or all the others who have been given weeks to live by the tabloids yet keep clinging on.

Hopefully Nolte will live long enough to see the “100 yard-long kraken” which surfaced near Antarctica, according to the National Examiner. I can’t help wondering if its crack team of science reporters might be adding just the merest touch of spin to the satellite photo that supposedly shows a “massive disturbance” breaching the ocean surface and a “fin-like object” in a black patch of sea? Apparently not. “This looks like the kraken,” says Scott Waring of the UFO Sighting Daily website, which certainly sounds like it must be some branch of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration. The Examiner quotes a “commenter” who says: “Maybe the stories about the giant monster of the deep are all true.” Hang on a second: what’s a “commenter?” Just a random person making a comment, who they can’t even be bothered to name? Like the kraken, this smells fishy.

Michael Caine’s “amazing secret to learning his lines” is also revealed in the Examiner: he repeats them to himself, over and over. Amazing!

Fortunately we have Us mag’s crack investigative team to tell us that Lucy Liu wore it best, Zoe Saldana lacks feeling in one finger after a childhood bicycling accident, Abby Elliott (Who she, Ed?) carries lip balm, bobby pins, sunglasses and keys in her straw Clare V bag, and the stars are just like us: they enjoy a cold beer, sip drinks while they stroll, ride bikes and “they hold the phone.” Remarkable. I’m holding my phone right now, and I’ve never felt more like a celebrity.

The presence of Kim vs Tay on the cover of both Us and People magazines gives you a good indication of the vacuousness of the rest of the stories inside. People magazine devotes its cover to “The JFK Jr you never knew,” and since almost 100 per cent of People’s readers never met, spoke to or knew the former President’s son, it should be a slam-dunk to tell us something we don’t know. But that's not to be. People, celebrating the 17th anniversary of JFK Jr’s death - because 17 is a prime number? - tells us that John John was “ridiculously handsome,” a “reluctant hunk,” had “brains and brawn . . . but no coordination,” and was “his father’s son.” Well, we never knew that.

TV’s Bachelorette suitor JoJo gets rejects a lover in the Fantasy Suite next week, reveals Us, which is good, because we need more room in the Fantasy Suite for the editors of the tabloids and celebrity magazines. We can only hope and pray that they wear their flak jackets and survive another week in the savage trenches of celebrity war reporting.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

“It’s war!” screams the cover of Us magazine.

Forget Iraq and Afghanistan, Syria and Nigeria. It’s Kim Kardashian vs Taylor Swift that has Us mag so excited, after the reality TV queen called the singer a “f--king liar.”

People magazine also gets in on the war reporting as Kim and Tay’s “feud explodes” after Kim videoed husband Kanye West asking Swift’s permission to include a song lyric saying they might have sex - but failed to tell Taylor that he was going to call her a “bitch" that he made famous. Therein lies the philosophical difference that evidently is the pop culture equivalent of assassinating the Archduke of Austro-Hungary.

The Globe is preoccupied with another battle-front: “Queen Kate’s War With Di’s Brother!” Ignoring for a moment the fact that Kate is neither Queen, nor will she be even when HRH Queen Elizabeth pops her royal clogs, Duchess Kate is supposedly outraged that Diana’s brother, Earl Charles Spencer, is renting out his stately home - and Diana’s last resting place - to well-heeled tourists. for up to $40,000- a-night. Perhaps the Globe is forgetting that Buckingham Palace is currently open to visitors until October 1 for a mere 37 pounds (about $49)?

A “Top Secret GOP Convention Plot” to ensure that Donald Trump wins the presidential election is exposed by the National Enquirer. I’m not sure how secret a “convention plot” can be when it’s being televised live every day, but the Enquirer nevertheless reveals Trump’s “7-Step Plan to destroy Hillary.” This supposedly involves the GOP exposing seven dark secrets about the Democratic candidate and her husband, including Hillary’s alleged “lesbian shenanigans,” her spell in an Illinois mental hospital “following a nervous breakdown caused by Bill’s cheating,” Bill’s illegitimate love child with an ex-lover, exposing Monica Lewinsky’s secret diaries, and Hillary’s secret pact to divorce Bill if she loses the election. Let’s see how many of these are even mentioned at the convention, let alone becoming major planks in the GOP platform, shall we?

Actor Nick Nolte has only “4 weeks to live!” claims the Globe. “Nolte dead in a month,” agrees the Enquirer. Evidently he is suffering “clogged sinuses” (sounds like a death sentence to me) and “cardiac palpitations.” How do they know he has only days to live? “Friends are worried,” reports the Globe. He was reportedly spotted wandering the streets of Los Angeles “in filthy clothes.” As everyone knows, dirty clothes are an infallible sign of terminal late-stage chronic fashion blindness. Death is sure to follow swiftly (or Kardashianly, depending on which side of that conflict you’re on.). I'm starting a death count-down. Let's see if Mr. Nolte is still with us in four week’s time. He won’t let the tabloids down like Val Kilmer, who over a year ago was given just weeks to live but stubbornly refuses to go. Or Cher, or Bill Clinton, or the Queen, or George Bush, or all the others who have been given weeks to live by the tabloids yet keep clinging on.

Hopefully Nolte will live long enough to see the “100 yard-long kraken” which surfaced near Antarctica, according to the National Examiner. I can’t help wondering if its crack team of science reporters might be adding just the merest touch of spin to the satellite photo that supposedly shows a “massive disturbance” breaching the ocean surface and a “fin-like object” in a black patch of sea? Apparently not. “This looks like the kraken,” says Scott Waring of the UFO Sighting Daily website, which certainly sounds like it must be some branch of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration. The Examiner quotes a “commenter” who says: “Maybe the stories about the giant monster of the deep are all true.” Hang on a second: what’s a “commenter?” Just a random person making a comment, who they can’t even be bothered to name? Like the kraken, this smells fishy.

Michael Caine’s “amazing secret to learning his lines” is also revealed in the Examiner: he repeats them to himself, over and over. Amazing!

Fortunately we have Us mag’s crack investigative team to tell us that Lucy Liu wore it best, Zoe Saldana lacks feeling in one finger after a childhood bicycling accident, Abby Elliott (Who she, Ed?) carries lip balm, bobby pins, sunglasses and keys in her straw Clare V bag, and the stars are just like us: they enjoy a cold beer, sip drinks while they stroll, ride bikes and “they hold the phone.” Remarkable. I’m holding my phone right now, and I’ve never felt more like a celebrity.

The presence of Kim vs Tay on the cover of both Us and People magazines gives you a good indication of the vacuousness of the rest of the stories inside. People magazine devotes its cover to “The JFK Jr you never knew,” and since almost 100 per cent of People’s readers never met, spoke to or knew the former President’s son, it should be a slam-dunk to tell us something we don’t know. But that's not to be. People, celebrating the 17th anniversary of JFK Jr’s death - because 17 is a prime number? - tells us that John John was “ridiculously handsome,” a “reluctant hunk,” had “brains and brawn . . . but no coordination,” and was “his father’s son.” Well, we never knew that.

TV’s Bachelorette suitor JoJo gets rejects a lover in the Fantasy Suite next week, reveals Us, which is good, because we need more room in the Fantasy Suite for the editors of the tabloids and celebrity magazines. We can only hope and pray that they wear their flak jackets and survive another week in the savage trenches of celebrity war reporting.

Dark smoke rings hover in the sky over Zurich, Leamington Spa in England, and even Disneyland.

Are they naturally occurring air vortices, or thermal microbursts as some meteorologists believe?

Of course not.

“They came from another dimension!” explains the National Examiner, whose crack science team reports: “Some believe they are UFOs or a sign of some supernatural presence.”

That’s about as logical as everything else in this week’s factually-challenged tabloids and celebrity magazines.

“Hillary failed secret FBI lie detector!” screams the National Enquirer’s front page, claiming that she failed to tell the truth about sending military secrets on her private email server. Pot, meet kettle. Hillary Clinton never took a polygraph test when testifying before the FBI. Rather, the Enquirer simply fed audio of some of her public statements through a purported stress detector, which I’m guessing came with its own decoder ring, cape and mask when you send $2.99 and ten cereal box tops. It was a “secret” test because nobody except the Enquirer knew she was taking it, raising forensic science to new levels.

Just as former ‘Friends’ star Jennifer Aniston was publicly raging this week against tabloid intrusion, lies and the perpetuation of unrealistic body images, the Enquirer obliged by reporting “Aniston’s boob job to save her rocky marriage . . . “ Declared Beverly Hills dermatologist Dr Susan Evans: “Jennifer’s breasts look much fuller than they used to.” Because a plastic surgeon just won’t do. It takes a certified dermatologist to determine if mammary glands look larger. Or maybe Aniston just wore a push-up bra.

Actress Sandra Bullock is cautioned: “Stay away from bad boy Bryan!” in a two-page Enquirer story about her new boyfriend. Who issued this dire warning? Not Sandy’s parents, or Bryan’s ex-girlfriend, nor a behavioral psychologist or probation officer. No: “Sandra Bullock’s childhood drama teacher urges her to ditch lover,” reveals the Enquirer, which wants a 50-year-old successful independent single mother to take romantic advice from the 81-year-old who once taught her as a little girl. Seems reasonable to me. We should all take life advice from kindergarten teachers we haven’t seen in decades.

The unending body-shaming continues in the Enquirer: actress Valerie Bertinelli is warned: “Diet or die!” after allegedly gaining 49 pounds; the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton is a “walking skeleton” and “Royal insiders fears she’s anorexic”; and Angelina Jolie is supposedly 79 pounds “and wasting away.” Then the Examiner goes and ruins it all by reporting on the 490-pound Bobbi-Jo Westley “whose 90-inch bottom is helping her make some very big bucks” by appearing scantily clad on live webcams for “chubby chasers.”

“I’m very confident and it’s my body, so if I want to show the world me naked or in bra and panties, that’s what I choose to do,” she says. If only Jennifer Aniston had a 90-inch backside.

People magazine devotes its cover and six pages inside to “Real people, inspiring stories, easy diet tips,” demoting “America’s agony” and “our nation’s race crisis” to a small box in the corner, because Thin Lives Matter.

“Demonic possession on the rise in America!” screams the Globe, reporting on a psychiatrist who has spent 25 years “as an exorcist’s assistant.” After a quarter of a century you’d hope he’d have graduated to full-fledged exorcist, but no. Must be the devil holding him back.
Satan’s handiwork can be seen in the romance between Taylor Swift and British actor Tom Hiddleston, who according to Us magazine’s cover “is ready to pop the question - and they’re already talking babies!” They’ve been dating for only a month, so it’s natural to expect wedding bells for songstress Swift, whose average romance only lasts around two months.

Right.

Fortunately we have Us mag’s crack investigative team revealing that Taylor Schilling wore it best, Rachel Maddow learned to split wood from her pastor, E.J. Johnson (Who he, Ed?) carries Jo Malone London fragrance, La Mer moisturizer and Chanel Rouge Coco Shine lipstick in his Chanel tote - because what man doesn't? - , and the stars are just like us: they take selfies, go to theme parks, roll luggage and send text messages. Lord knows, the stars can be boring sometimes.

If I stack this week’s tabloids in a pile and set them ablaze, will they send up a dark smoke ring in the sky? I think it’s worth finding out.

Enquiring minds want to know.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

Dark smoke rings hover in the sky over Zurich, Leamington Spa in England, and even Disneyland.

Are they naturally occurring air vortices, or thermal microbursts as some meteorologists believe?

Of course not.

“They came from another dimension!” explains the National Examiner, whose crack science team reports: “Some believe they are UFOs or a sign of some supernatural presence.”

That’s about as logical as everything else in this week’s factually-challenged tabloids and celebrity magazines.

“Hillary failed secret FBI lie detector!” screams the National Enquirer’s front page, claiming that she failed to tell the truth about sending military secrets on her private email server. Pot, meet kettle. Hillary Clinton never took a polygraph test when testifying before the FBI. Rather, the Enquirer simply fed audio of some of her public statements through a purported stress detector, which I’m guessing came with its own decoder ring, cape and mask when you send $2.99 and ten cereal box tops. It was a “secret” test because nobody except the Enquirer knew she was taking it, raising forensic science to new levels.

Just as former ‘Friends’ star Jennifer Aniston was publicly raging this week against tabloid intrusion, lies and the perpetuation of unrealistic body images, the Enquirer obliged by reporting “Aniston’s boob job to save her rocky marriage . . . “ Declared Beverly Hills dermatologist Dr Susan Evans: “Jennifer’s breasts look much fuller than they used to.” Because a plastic surgeon just won’t do. It takes a certified dermatologist to determine if mammary glands look larger. Or maybe Aniston just wore a push-up bra.

Actress Sandra Bullock is cautioned: “Stay away from bad boy Bryan!” in a two-page Enquirer story about her new boyfriend. Who issued this dire warning? Not Sandy’s parents, or Bryan’s ex-girlfriend, nor a behavioral psychologist or probation officer. No: “Sandra Bullock’s childhood drama teacher urges her to ditch lover,” reveals the Enquirer, which wants a 50-year-old successful independent single mother to take romantic advice from the 81-year-old who once taught her as a little girl. Seems reasonable to me. We should all take life advice from kindergarten teachers we haven’t seen in decades.

The unending body-shaming continues in the Enquirer: actress Valerie Bertinelli is warned: “Diet or die!” after allegedly gaining 49 pounds; the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton is a “walking skeleton” and “Royal insiders fears she’s anorexic”; and Angelina Jolie is supposedly 79 pounds “and wasting away.” Then the Examiner goes and ruins it all by reporting on the 490-pound Bobbi-Jo Westley “whose 90-inch bottom is helping her make some very big bucks” by appearing scantily clad on live webcams for “chubby chasers.”

“I’m very confident and it’s my body, so if I want to show the world me naked or in bra and panties, that’s what I choose to do,” she says. If only Jennifer Aniston had a 90-inch backside.

People magazine devotes its cover and six pages inside to “Real people, inspiring stories, easy diet tips,” demoting “America’s agony” and “our nation’s race crisis” to a small box in the corner, because Thin Lives Matter.

“Demonic possession on the rise in America!” screams the Globe, reporting on a psychiatrist who has spent 25 years “as an exorcist’s assistant.” After a quarter of a century you’d hope he’d have graduated to full-fledged exorcist, but no. Must be the devil holding him back.
Satan’s handiwork can be seen in the romance between Taylor Swift and British actor Tom Hiddleston, who according to Us magazine’s cover “is ready to pop the question - and they’re already talking babies!” They’ve been dating for only a month, so it’s natural to expect wedding bells for songstress Swift, whose average romance only lasts around two months.

Right.

Fortunately we have Us mag’s crack investigative team revealing that Taylor Schilling wore it best, Rachel Maddow learned to split wood from her pastor, E.J. Johnson (Who he, Ed?) carries Jo Malone London fragrance, La Mer moisturizer and Chanel Rouge Coco Shine lipstick in his Chanel tote - because what man doesn't? - , and the stars are just like us: they take selfies, go to theme parks, roll luggage and send text messages. Lord knows, the stars can be boring sometimes.

If I stack this week’s tabloids in a pile and set them ablaze, will they send up a dark smoke ring in the sky? I think it’s worth finding out.

It’s summer, so let the body shaming begin. The National Enquirer brings us four pages of “Celebs with Cellulite,” and Us magazine assaults us with six pages of “bikini diet tips,” which lamentably forget to include the genetic code for readers to reverse-engineer themselves to look like Gigi Hadid. People magazine sends mixed messages, offering two pages of hard-bodied stars splashing about in the ocean, along with eight pages of celebrities cooking dishes of dubious health benefit such as brown sugar bacon, honey-pepper cast-iron biscuits, and spaghetti with meatballs.

But don’t lose too much weight for the summer - the National Examiner warns that country singer Dolly Parton is 89 pounds and “wasting away."

Comedy veteran Carol Burnett “Tells all before she dies!” screams the Globe, which is good, because it’s probably easier than telling all after she dies. What does she tell? Nothing to the Globe, which is going to have to wait with the rest of us for the publication of her memoir later this year, though that doesn’t stop the Globe speculating that Burnett was saddened by her daughter’s drug addiction. Seems like a stretch to me. What parent wouldn’t be proud of their child’s drug addiction?

With all the chaos surrounding Brexit, I must have missed the abdication at Buckingham Palace and Prince Charles’ refusal to accept the crown, because the Globe splashes its cover with: “Queen Kate’s Reign Begins - and she’s pregnant with twins!” Ignoring for a moment the fact that Kate Middleton remains Duchess of Cambridge and has not been named Queen, reports of her pregnancy with twins have been circulating since April, so she should be showing a considerable baby bump by now if it were true. A tabloid editor can dream, I suppose.

Elvis Presley’s daughter Lisa Marie is facing a $700 million "dirty divorce" according to the Enquirer, though she’s already lost more than half her fortune in the Globe, which accuses her husband of squandering Presley’s “$300 million fortune.” Maybe the missing $400 simply slipped behind the sofa cushions.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have separated and face a $480 million divorce, claims the Enquirer, which repeats this story almost weekly, and hasn’t been right yet. But a tabloid editor can dream.

Tom Cruise must be thinking he can’t win with the tabloids, and he’d be right. Accused repeatedly of not seeing his daughter Suri for almost three years - a statistic which actually means that the paparazzi haven’t seen Tom with Suri for three years - this week’s Enquirer claims that Cruise reunited with Suri “to get revenge on ex Katie.” Any other divorced father seeing his daughter would be enjoying legal visitation rights, but the Enquirer says that Cruise “snatched back” Suri. It’s rare that I feel sorry for Tom Cruise, but on this occasion I’ll make an exception.

It takes the National Examiner’s world-respected religious correspondent to bring us the week’s most impressive tabloid revelation: a Bible prophecy “cover-up” and the “shocking truths the church doesn’t want you to know.” Inspired by texts from the lost gospels that failed to make it into the original version of the Bible, the Examiner warns readers to “Beware the Lost Angel,” that Heaven and Hell are real, and that “The Christian belief in reincarnation is one of the best-kept secrets of the church.” Naturally they predict the End of Days, global conflagration, and for true believers “salvation guaranteed.” Or your money back?

Fortunately we have Us magazine’s crack team of investigative reporters to inform us that Blake Lively wore it best (but only by showing more cleavage), TV’s ‘Bachelorette' suitor JoJo Fletcher loves the smell of gasoline and fresh-cut grass (perhaps she has a future as a rural arsonist?), US Olympic gymnastic hopeful Simone Biles carries keys, lipstick and a hairbrush in her Nike duffel bag (how do Us reporters elicit such intimately personal information from celebrities?) and the stars are just like us: they apply makeup, get haircuts and eat ice cream (though little bits of hair would get all over your Rocky Road if you tried doing both at the same time.) Talk about the Book of Revelations.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

It’s summer, so let the body shaming begin. The National Enquirer brings us four pages of “Celebs with Cellulite,” and Us magazine assaults us with six pages of “bikini diet tips,” which lamentably forget to include the genetic code for readers to reverse-engineer themselves to look like Gigi Hadid. People magazine sends mixed messages, offering two pages of hard-bodied stars splashing about in the ocean, along with eight pages of celebrities cooking dishes of dubious health benefit such as brown sugar bacon, honey-pepper cast-iron biscuits, and spaghetti with meatballs.

But don’t lose too much weight for the summer - the National Examiner warns that country singer Dolly Parton is 89 pounds and “wasting away."

Comedy veteran Carol Burnett “Tells all before she dies!” screams the Globe, which is good, because it’s probably easier than telling all after she dies. What does she tell? Nothing to the Globe, which is going to have to wait with the rest of us for the publication of her memoir later this year, though that doesn’t stop the Globe speculating that Burnett was saddened by her daughter’s drug addiction. Seems like a stretch to me. What parent wouldn’t be proud of their child’s drug addiction?

With all the chaos surrounding Brexit, I must have missed the abdication at Buckingham Palace and Prince Charles’ refusal to accept the crown, because the Globe splashes its cover with: “Queen Kate’s Reign Begins - and she’s pregnant with twins!” Ignoring for a moment the fact that Kate Middleton remains Duchess of Cambridge and has not been named Queen, reports of her pregnancy with twins have been circulating since April, so she should be showing a considerable baby bump by now if it were true. A tabloid editor can dream, I suppose.

Elvis Presley’s daughter Lisa Marie is facing a $700 million "dirty divorce" according to the Enquirer, though she’s already lost more than half her fortune in the Globe, which accuses her husband of squandering Presley’s “$300 million fortune.” Maybe the missing $400 simply slipped behind the sofa cushions.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have separated and face a $480 million divorce, claims the Enquirer, which repeats this story almost weekly, and hasn’t been right yet. But a tabloid editor can dream.

Tom Cruise must be thinking he can’t win with the tabloids, and he’d be right. Accused repeatedly of not seeing his daughter Suri for almost three years - a statistic which actually means that the paparazzi haven’t seen Tom with Suri for three years - this week’s Enquirer claims that Cruise reunited with Suri “to get revenge on ex Katie.” Any other divorced father seeing his daughter would be enjoying legal visitation rights, but the Enquirer says that Cruise “snatched back” Suri. It’s rare that I feel sorry for Tom Cruise, but on this occasion I’ll make an exception.

It takes the National Examiner’s world-respected religious correspondent to bring us the week’s most impressive tabloid revelation: a Bible prophecy “cover-up” and the “shocking truths the church doesn’t want you to know.” Inspired by texts from the lost gospels that failed to make it into the original version of the Bible, the Examiner warns readers to “Beware the Lost Angel,” that Heaven and Hell are real, and that “The Christian belief in reincarnation is one of the best-kept secrets of the church.” Naturally they predict the End of Days, global conflagration, and for true believers “salvation guaranteed.” Or your money back?

Fortunately we have Us magazine’s crack team of investigative reporters to inform us that Blake Lively wore it best (but only by showing more cleavage), TV’s ‘Bachelorette' suitor JoJo Fletcher loves the smell of gasoline and fresh-cut grass (perhaps she has a future as a rural arsonist?), US Olympic gymnastic hopeful Simone Biles carries keys, lipstick and a hairbrush in her Nike duffel bag (how do Us reporters elicit such intimately personal information from celebrities?) and the stars are just like us: they apply makeup, get haircuts and eat ice cream (though little bits of hair would get all over your Rocky Road if you tried doing both at the same time.) Talk about the Book of Revelations.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

http://boingboing.net/2016/07/07/its-summer-so-let-the-tabl.html/feed21470623Humans and robots are on a collision course for a war, says Examinerhttp://boingboing.net/2016/06/30/humans-and-robots-are-on-a-col.html
http://boingboing.net/2016/06/30/humans-and-robots-are-on-a-col.html#commentsThu, 30 Jun 2016 21:56:07 +0000http://boingboing.net/?p=469607

When you’re attacked by an alligator, the National Enquirer has some great advice for you: “Run!”

That’s just one of the really useful survival tips in this week’s helpful tabloids.

Don’t drive - “driving can be hazardous to your health,” the Enquirer claims, noting a medical study that found motorists who drove more than an hour daily were on average six pounds heavier.

“Sleep for health,” advises the National Examiner, which also offers “10 ways to beat menopause” and how to live with “losing a limb.” Is this a problem among their sedentary readership, or has Oscar Pistorius bought a life-time subscription?

But what’s the point of staying healthy, since the world will be ending soon?

“Humans and robots are on a collision course for a war that could break out by the middle of the century," according to the Examiner, which cites experts ranging from a Canadian novelist to Stephen Hawking. Maybe now is a good time to make sure that robots have a five-day waiting period before buying guns - or might the NRA object to that?

The Globe continues its obsession with fat-shaming celebrities who dare gain an extra ounce or two. Candice Bergen is branded a “blue whale,” Jeff Bridges is “fat and sassy,” country singer Blake Shelton is suffering “fat shame” about his “soft belly and man-boobs,” and actress Tara Reid sports a “belly bulge.” “Diet lowers cancer risk” and “teen pounds are lethal,” state two articles on the Globe’s health page, all of which makes me hunger for People magazine’s recipes this week for eggs Benedict, strawberries & cream parfait, and apple rhubarb scones.

The Globe’s elite informers inside Buckingham Palace report on the British Royal Family: “William tells Charles: It’s okay if you’re gay,” claiming “He wants Dad to stop hiding taste for men.” Despite his rather public marriages to Princess Diana and Camilla, Prince Charles allegedly “has desperately tried to hide his gay secret for decades.” So kind and caring of the Globe to share his “secret” with the world.

The Enquirer returns to its favorite theme of “Crooked Hillary” with a cover emblazoned: “CORRUPT!” An Enquirer investigation claims that Hillary accepted $139 million for political favors, and used the Clinton Foundation as a slush fund for “fraud & bribes,” concluding: “Money-grubbing Hillary Clinton should be disqualified from the presidency!” It makes Fox News actually seem fair and balanced.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us magazine to tell us that Heidi Klum wore it best (compared to Courtney Love . . . is that even a fair fight?) and that soul singer Maxwell ”would love a pet,” Nia Long carries Dior mascara, Nivea Creme and dental floss in her Street Level vegan leather tote, and that the stars are just like us: they ride bikes, buy in bulk, play musical instruments and climb ropes (though I can’t recall the last time I climbed a rope or played an instrument, so maybe the stars are different after all.)
Us mag worries that TV’s ‘Bachelorette’ suitor JoJo is “falling for a fraud” in handsome smooth-tongued Jordan - a topic that is undoubtedly troubling more Americans than is the fall-out from Brexit. Us mag also declares that Taylor Swift’s latest beau, actor Tom Hiddleston, is “the one,” though I can’t help felling they said the same about Calvin Harris, Harry Styles, John Mayer, Taylor Lautner, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Swift’s past lovers ad infinitum.

“The mysterious case of a missing 2-year-old” dominates the cover of People magazine, noting toddler DeOrr Kunz’s disappearance in the remote Idaho mountains, and asking: “Are his mom & dad hiding something?” Apparently there’s nothing like a national magazine implying that you murdered your own child to bring a family comfort and closure at a time of crisis. It’s not as if they took their son to Disney World and made him swim in an alligator-infested lagoon.

As for your best options when faced with an alligator that doesn’t realize it would be better off as a handbag holdings the lipgloss, sunglasses and car keys of a celebrity featured in Us mag, “Don’t try to fight it,” and “Don’t climb a tree,” advises the Enquirer, which urges you to “Run!” and “Make noise!” In other words, flee screaming. That’s advice that could save your life the next time you visit Disney World - it’s certainly my standard reaction whenever I see a life-size Mickey Mouse or Goofy approaching, though I must confess that the urge to fight them is often overwhelming.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

When you’re attacked by an alligator, the National Enquirer has some great advice for you: “Run!”

That’s just one of the really useful survival tips in this week’s helpful tabloids.

Don’t drive - “driving can be hazardous to your health,” the Enquirer claims, noting a medical study that found motorists who drove more than an hour daily were on average six pounds heavier.

“Sleep for health,” advises the National Examiner, which also offers “10 ways to beat menopause” and how to live with “losing a limb.” Is this a problem among their sedentary readership, or has Oscar Pistorius bought a life-time subscription?

But what’s the point of staying healthy, since the world will be ending soon?

“Humans and robots are on a collision course for a war that could break out by the middle of the century," according to the Examiner, which cites experts ranging from a Canadian novelist to Stephen Hawking. Maybe now is a good time to make sure that robots have a five-day waiting period before buying guns - or might the NRA object to that?

The Globe continues its obsession with fat-shaming celebrities who dare gain an extra ounce or two. Candice Bergen is branded a “blue whale,” Jeff Bridges is “fat and sassy,” country singer Blake Shelton is suffering “fat shame” about his “soft belly and man-boobs,” and actress Tara Reid sports a “belly bulge.” “Diet lowers cancer risk” and “teen pounds are lethal,” state two articles on the Globe’s health page, all of which makes me hunger for People magazine’s recipes this week for eggs Benedict, strawberries & cream parfait, and apple rhubarb scones.

The Globe’s elite informers inside Buckingham Palace report on the British Royal Family: “William tells Charles: It’s okay if you’re gay,” claiming “He wants Dad to stop hiding taste for men.” Despite his rather public marriages to Princess Diana and Camilla, Prince Charles allegedly “has desperately tried to hide his gay secret for decades.” So kind and caring of the Globe to share his “secret” with the world.

The Enquirer returns to its favorite theme of “Crooked Hillary” with a cover emblazoned: “CORRUPT!” An Enquirer investigation claims that Hillary accepted $139 million for political favors, and used the Clinton Foundation as a slush fund for “fraud & bribes,” concluding: “Money-grubbing Hillary Clinton should be disqualified from the presidency!” It makes Fox News actually seem fair and balanced.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us magazine to tell us that Heidi Klum wore it best (compared to Courtney Love . . . is that even a fair fight?) and that soul singer Maxwell ”would love a pet,” Nia Long carries Dior mascara, Nivea Creme and dental floss in her Street Level vegan leather tote, and that the stars are just like us: they ride bikes, buy in bulk, play musical instruments and climb ropes (though I can’t recall the last time I climbed a rope or played an instrument, so maybe the stars are different after all.)
Us mag worries that TV’s ‘Bachelorette’ suitor JoJo is “falling for a fraud” in handsome smooth-tongued Jordan - a topic that is undoubtedly troubling more Americans than is the fall-out from Brexit. Us mag also declares that Taylor Swift’s latest beau, actor Tom Hiddleston, is “the one,” though I can’t help felling they said the same about Calvin Harris, Harry Styles, John Mayer, Taylor Lautner, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Swift’s past lovers ad infinitum.

“The mysterious case of a missing 2-year-old” dominates the cover of People magazine, noting toddler DeOrr Kunz’s disappearance in the remote Idaho mountains, and asking: “Are his mom & dad hiding something?” Apparently there’s nothing like a national magazine implying that you murdered your own child to bring a family comfort and closure at a time of crisis. It’s not as if they took their son to Disney World and made him swim in an alligator-infested lagoon.

As for your best options when faced with an alligator that doesn’t realize it would be better off as a handbag holdings the lipgloss, sunglasses and car keys of a celebrity featured in Us mag, “Don’t try to fight it,” and “Don’t climb a tree,” advises the Enquirer, which urges you to “Run!” and “Make noise!” In other words, flee screaming. That’s advice that could save your life the next time you visit Disney World - it’s certainly my standard reaction whenever I see a life-size Mickey Mouse or Goofy approaching, though I must confess that the urge to fight them is often overwhelming.

Parasites are threatening to “destroy the human race,” claims the National Examiner, which coincidentally is what this week’s tabloid magazines also appear to have in mind.

Just like the Examiner's “evil bugs” with “the power to turn us into zombies,” the tabloids try to burrow into our brains with their latest mindless worm-like ravings.

Comedy legend Robin Williams’ death “is now a murder probe” claims the Globe, reporting that the case has been re-opened as “cops probe brutal murder!”

But read the story and you learn that the case has not be reopened by police; it’s merely Globe’s rent-a-quote “investigators” speculating wildly, accompanied by a disturbing photo purporting to show Williams’ corpse with horrific strangulation marks around his neck. This is the same discredited photo which in 2014 was proven not to be Williams after being traced back to a Spanish website specializing in strangulation. But that hasn’t stopped the Globe reprinting the image, even with its own caution: “the authenticity is in question.” No kidding.

Happy marriages simply aren’t allowed in the tabloids’ version of Hollywood. Jennifer Aniston’s marriage is “in crisis” because husband Justin Theroux is away filming in Australia, claims the Globe, and John Travolta’s marriage to Kelly Preston is heading toward a $275 million divorce, claims the Enquirer, which for years has repeatedly floated this story questioning the actor’s sexuality, in the forlorn hope that one day it may be proven right.

“Hillary will never be President!” screams the Enquirer’s cover, accusing her of treason for leaking US intelligence, bribery for accepting a $145 million Russian “payoff” to the Clinton Foundation, and conspiracy for the Benghazi attack. “This means the end of Crooked Hillary,” a source tells the Enquirer, suspiciously echoing Donald Trump’s language to describe her. “You can stick a fork in her. She’s done!”

With such parasitic thoughts worming their way into tabloid-lovers’ brains, what will they make of the Globe’s full-page ad for a “Barack and Michelle Obama Commemorative Tribute” limited edition “heirloom-quality” statuette, nearly 12 inches tall and incredibly life-like: Barack in tuxedo and white tie, Michelle in red off-the-shoulder halter gown, both waving and smiling? Will they use the “hand-cast, hand-painted sculpture” for AR-15 target practice? Search the statuette’s “marble-look” base for a “Made in Kenya” stamp? Use it as a fancy spatula to flip their Trump Steaks on the grill?

“Dolly Parton in Gun Threat Drama!” screams the Enquirer. You’d be forgiven for thinking that the singer was threatened by a gunman - but no. Dolly was nowhere near when her brother opened the door to his Tennessee home with a gun in hand . . . because the Enquirer was knocking on his door. Seems like a reasonable response to me.

Muhammad Ali was a “gentle giant nobody knew,” according to the Enquirer, but to the Globe he led a “shocking double life,” leaving behind “four love children and died a victim of elder abuse.”

North Carolina blonde Pixee Fox has spent $125,000 to look like Jessica Rabbit, including having six ribs removed, liposuction, body sculpting, four rhinoplasties, four breast augmentations, cheek and lip injections, and having her eyes made a permanent neon green, reports the Globe, breaking the news only seven months after this story appeared everywhere from the New York Daily News to the UK’s Daily Mirror. Perhaps better never than late?

People magazine devotes its cover and eight pages inside to remembering those slain in the June 12 Orlando mass shooting, and even Us magazine gives up two pages to report how celebrities and the rest of the world memorialized and mourned the attack. Of course, Us devotes the same amount of space to Oprah Winfrey, who proves that the stars are just like us - as long as you fly 20 loaves of your favorite bread over from South Africa because American bread just doesn’t ring your bell. Oprah admits: “I’ve literally been in hotels and brought my own: ‘Please, can you toast this? I have my own bread.’” Marie Antoinette had nothing on her.

But the stars are just like us, insists Us magazine, showing celebrities texting while cycling, eating ice cream cones, carrying packages and shopping for groceries like Alicia Vikander, pictured amid the fruit aisle in a market in Sydney, Australia, presumably because she prefers to fly to her food than have it flown to her.

Us mag’s crack investigative team tells us that Beyonce wore it best, Chelsea Handler doesn’t like water but loves chicken nuggets, and that Ashley Tisdale carries a vegan smoothie, lip gloss and hand cream in her goatskin Givenchy satchel.

Leave it to the Examiner to tell us that a pet parrot could be poised to testify in a Michigan murder trial because the victim’s family believe the African grey witnessed the slaying - and could tell whodunnit. As risible as this seems, it appears to be one of the rare accurate stories in this week’s tabloids, though whether the court will admit evidence from a genuine stool-pigeon is open to doubt.

As for the zombie parasite threat that could “destroy the human race," the Examiner is simply dipping into some of nature’s more wondrously destructive microscopic killing machines, from Toxoplasma gondii to Trypanosoma, and good old-fashioned rabies. The Examiner delights in the threat of Naegleria fowleri, calling it “the insanity amoeba” which “chews through a host’s brain,” leading to hallucinations, unconsciousness and death - a fate almost as debilitating as reading the tabloids every week.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

Parasites are threatening to “destroy the human race,” claims the National Examiner, which coincidentally is what this week’s tabloid magazines also appear to have in mind.

Just like the Examiner's “evil bugs” with “the power to turn us into zombies,” the tabloids try to burrow into our brains with their latest mindless worm-like ravings.

Comedy legend Robin Williams’ death “is now a murder probe” claims the Globe, reporting that the case has been re-opened as “cops probe brutal murder!”

But read the story and you learn that the case has not be reopened by police; it’s merely Globe’s rent-a-quote “investigators” speculating wildly, accompanied by a disturbing photo purporting to show Williams’ corpse with horrific strangulation marks around his neck. This is the same discredited photo which in 2014 was proven not to be Williams after being traced back to a Spanish website specializing in strangulation. But that hasn’t stopped the Globe reprinting the image, even with its own caution: “the authenticity is in question.” No kidding.

Happy marriages simply aren’t allowed in the tabloids’ version of Hollywood. Jennifer Aniston’s marriage is “in crisis” because husband Justin Theroux is away filming in Australia, claims the Globe, and John Travolta’s marriage to Kelly Preston is heading toward a $275 million divorce, claims the Enquirer, which for years has repeatedly floated this story questioning the actor’s sexuality, in the forlorn hope that one day it may be proven right.

“Hillary will never be President!” screams the Enquirer’s cover, accusing her of treason for leaking US intelligence, bribery for accepting a $145 million Russian “payoff” to the Clinton Foundation, and conspiracy for the Benghazi attack. “This means the end of Crooked Hillary,” a source tells the Enquirer, suspiciously echoing Donald Trump’s language to describe her. “You can stick a fork in her. She’s done!”

With such parasitic thoughts worming their way into tabloid-lovers’ brains, what will they make of the Globe’s full-page ad for a “Barack and Michelle Obama Commemorative Tribute” limited edition “heirloom-quality” statuette, nearly 12 inches tall and incredibly life-like: Barack in tuxedo and white tie, Michelle in red off-the-shoulder halter gown, both waving and smiling? Will they use the “hand-cast, hand-painted sculpture” for AR-15 target practice? Search the statuette’s “marble-look” base for a “Made in Kenya” stamp? Use it as a fancy spatula to flip their Trump Steaks on the grill?

“Dolly Parton in Gun Threat Drama!” screams the Enquirer. You’d be forgiven for thinking that the singer was threatened by a gunman - but no. Dolly was nowhere near when her brother opened the door to his Tennessee home with a gun in hand . . . because the Enquirer was knocking on his door. Seems like a reasonable response to me.

Muhammad Ali was a “gentle giant nobody knew,” according to the Enquirer, but to the Globe he led a “shocking double life,” leaving behind “four love children and died a victim of elder abuse.”

North Carolina blonde Pixee Fox has spent $125,000 to look like Jessica Rabbit, including having six ribs removed, liposuction, body sculpting, four rhinoplasties, four breast augmentations, cheek and lip injections, and having her eyes made a permanent neon green, reports the Globe, breaking the news only seven months after this story appeared everywhere from the New York Daily News to the UK’s Daily Mirror. Perhaps better never than late?

People magazine devotes its cover and eight pages inside to remembering those slain in the June 12 Orlando mass shooting, and even Us magazine gives up two pages to report how celebrities and the rest of the world memorialized and mourned the attack. Of course, Us devotes the same amount of space to Oprah Winfrey, who proves that the stars are just like us - as long as you fly 20 loaves of your favorite bread over from South Africa because American bread just doesn’t ring your bell. Oprah admits: “I’ve literally been in hotels and brought my own: ‘Please, can you toast this? I have my own bread.’” Marie Antoinette had nothing on her.

But the stars are just like us, insists Us magazine, showing celebrities texting while cycling, eating ice cream cones, carrying packages and shopping for groceries like Alicia Vikander, pictured amid the fruit aisle in a market in Sydney, Australia, presumably because she prefers to fly to her food than have it flown to her.

Us mag’s crack investigative team tells us that Beyonce wore it best, Chelsea Handler doesn’t like water but loves chicken nuggets, and that Ashley Tisdale carries a vegan smoothie, lip gloss and hand cream in her goatskin Givenchy satchel.

Leave it to the Examiner to tell us that a pet parrot could be poised to testify in a Michigan murder trial because the victim’s family believe the African grey witnessed the slaying - and could tell whodunnit. As risible as this seems, it appears to be one of the rare accurate stories in this week’s tabloids, though whether the court will admit evidence from a genuine stool-pigeon is open to doubt.

As for the zombie parasite threat that could “destroy the human race," the Examiner is simply dipping into some of nature’s more wondrously destructive microscopic killing machines, from Toxoplasma gondii to Trypanosoma, and good old-fashioned rabies. The Examiner delights in the threat of Naegleria fowleri, calling it “the insanity amoeba” which “chews through a host’s brain,” leading to hallucinations, unconsciousness and death - a fate almost as debilitating as reading the tabloids every week.

It used to be said that photos never lie, back in those simpler, innocent days before Photoshop and Facetune made liars of us all. But as this week’s tabloids show, photos can lie even when they are the unvarnished genuine article.

Richard Simmons, the fitness ‘guru’ whose celebrity seems to continue only in the minds of tabloid editors, is pictured on the National Enquirer’s cover clad in fur-trimmed lingerie and black leggings, while wearing a long black wig, above a headline screaming: “He’s now a woman!”

“Yes, this photo shoot is real!” adds an accompanying caption - a notation that is necessary because veteran Enquirer readers will know how many of its photos are doctored fakes.

Quoting an unnamed “pal,” the Enquirer claims that Simmons has been out of the public eye for the past two years while he transitioned into a woman, having a “secret boob job” and researching “castration surgery.”

Leaving aside for a moment the appalling intrusion into the private life of anyone going through the emotional rollercoaster of gender realignment, just as the Enquirer had previously brutally forced the outing of a transitioning Caitlyn Jenner, Simmons' photo was clearly taken in jest, just as the flamboyant self-publicist Simmons has dressed in women’s attire many, many times before for the camera and on TV.

The fact that Simmons was photographed a week ago wearing a beard should be the first clue that there may be less to this story than appears. Add the fact that in March the New York Daily News reported that Simmons had been kidnapped by his maid, prompting Simmons to emerge from seclusion to assure the world he was fine, and you realize that the 'Sweatin’ to the Oldies' star is the subject of frequently wild speculation.

If he wants to transition to a woman, that’s great - but this unsubstantiated story and misleading photo don’t suggest that’s the case.
There’s also less than appears in the Globe’s “world exclusive’ cover story “Patrick Swayze died a battered husband,” accompanied by a photo of the ‘Dirty Dancing’ star with shocking black eye and bruised lip, allegedly beaten in his final months by his wife, Lisa. The supposed “tragic truth,” exposed by an unnamed “friend,” is brought to harrowing life by the image of a gaunt and beaten Swayze - if only it were real. Harder to find than Waldo, hidden away at the foot of the page in the smallest of print are the tell-tale words: “Photo dramatization.”

There’s no such caption on the Enquirer’s photo of Hillary Clinton, however, showing the Democrat’s presidential hopeful wearing an orange prison tunic and pants, her wrists shackled by a chain around her waist. “She should be jailed for compromising top U.S. secrets,” says the fair and balanced Enquirer, which notes the result of its readers’ general election poll, showing that 60 per cent support Donald Trump. You’d expect the other 40 per cent to support aliens or tabloid favorite Bat Boy, but no - they opt for Hillary Clinton.

Fortunately Us magazine’s crack investigative team bring us the week’s real news: Gabrielle Union wore it best (though I’d give her marks off for those sneakers), Nick Jonas likes sriracha-flavored popcorn and Cuban sandwiches, Jennifer Beals carries a Swiss Army knife, emery board and eye drops in her boho blue satchel, and the stars are just like us: they bike to work, hold hands in public, and eat ice cream (which I never knew, assuming that all celebrities were contractually barred from consuming ice cream.)

Muhammad Ali rightly takes the cover and ten pages inside People magazine, which might make Us mag wonder if its single paragraph - 34 words - might have underestimated his popularity and cultural significance. With his death on June 3 close to the mag’s deadline, perhaps they debated throwing out their feature on the “Hottest Bachelorette Ever” or their “wedding season survival guide” to squeeze in a few words on Ali, but decided against it? Or maybe Us editors simply decided that Ali wasn’t one of Us?

But finally, some news you can use from this week’s tabloids: the National Examiner explains how you can tell a victim of demonic possession apart from someone with a mental disorder. The mental patient is holding a copy of the Examiner. No - I made that up. The “truth” is far better. According to a Vatican exorcist, you can tell the difference by noting the patient’s reaction to prayer. “The way a victim reacts to prayer, says the Vatican expert, can hold clues to whether a demon is trying to take control of a person,” the Examiner reports. Clues to watch out for: “Frightening facial expressions, threatening words or gestures, and other things, but especially blasphemies against God and our lady,” the exorcist reportedly says. Holy mother of Christ! Who knew? By that reckoning, half of America must already be possessed by demons, but who am I to argue with an expert? I’m sure he has photographic proof.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

It used to be said that photos never lie, back in those simpler, innocent days before Photoshop and Facetune made liars of us all. But as this week’s tabloids show, photos can lie even when they are the unvarnished genuine article.

Richard Simmons, the fitness ‘guru’ whose celebrity seems to continue only in the minds of tabloid editors, is pictured on the National Enquirer’s cover clad in fur-trimmed lingerie and black leggings, while wearing a long black wig, above a headline screaming: “He’s now a woman!”

“Yes, this photo shoot is real!” adds an accompanying caption - a notation that is necessary because veteran Enquirer readers will know how many of its photos are doctored fakes.

Quoting an unnamed “pal,” the Enquirer claims that Simmons has been out of the public eye for the past two years while he transitioned into a woman, having a “secret boob job” and researching “castration surgery.”

Leaving aside for a moment the appalling intrusion into the private life of anyone going through the emotional rollercoaster of gender realignment, just as the Enquirer had previously brutally forced the outing of a transitioning Caitlyn Jenner, Simmons' photo was clearly taken in jest, just as the flamboyant self-publicist Simmons has dressed in women’s attire many, many times before for the camera and on TV.

The fact that Simmons was photographed a week ago wearing a beard should be the first clue that there may be less to this story than appears. Add the fact that in March the New York Daily News reported that Simmons had been kidnapped by his maid, prompting Simmons to emerge from seclusion to assure the world he was fine, and you realize that the 'Sweatin’ to the Oldies' star is the subject of frequently wild speculation.

If he wants to transition to a woman, that’s great - but this unsubstantiated story and misleading photo don’t suggest that’s the case.
There’s also less than appears in the Globe’s “world exclusive’ cover story “Patrick Swayze died a battered husband,” accompanied by a photo of the ‘Dirty Dancing’ star with shocking black eye and bruised lip, allegedly beaten in his final months by his wife, Lisa. The supposed “tragic truth,” exposed by an unnamed “friend,” is brought to harrowing life by the image of a gaunt and beaten Swayze - if only it were real. Harder to find than Waldo, hidden away at the foot of the page in the smallest of print are the tell-tale words: “Photo dramatization.”

There’s no such caption on the Enquirer’s photo of Hillary Clinton, however, showing the Democrat’s presidential hopeful wearing an orange prison tunic and pants, her wrists shackled by a chain around her waist. “She should be jailed for compromising top U.S. secrets,” says the fair and balanced Enquirer, which notes the result of its readers’ general election poll, showing that 60 per cent support Donald Trump. You’d expect the other 40 per cent to support aliens or tabloid favorite Bat Boy, but no - they opt for Hillary Clinton.

Fortunately Us magazine’s crack investigative team bring us the week’s real news: Gabrielle Union wore it best (though I’d give her marks off for those sneakers), Nick Jonas likes sriracha-flavored popcorn and Cuban sandwiches, Jennifer Beals carries a Swiss Army knife, emery board and eye drops in her boho blue satchel, and the stars are just like us: they bike to work, hold hands in public, and eat ice cream (which I never knew, assuming that all celebrities were contractually barred from consuming ice cream.)

Muhammad Ali rightly takes the cover and ten pages inside People magazine, which might make Us mag wonder if its single paragraph - 34 words - might have underestimated his popularity and cultural significance. With his death on June 3 close to the mag’s deadline, perhaps they debated throwing out their feature on the “Hottest Bachelorette Ever” or their “wedding season survival guide” to squeeze in a few words on Ali, but decided against it? Or maybe Us editors simply decided that Ali wasn’t one of Us?

But finally, some news you can use from this week’s tabloids: the National Examiner explains how you can tell a victim of demonic possession apart from someone with a mental disorder. The mental patient is holding a copy of the Examiner. No - I made that up. The “truth” is far better. According to a Vatican exorcist, you can tell the difference by noting the patient’s reaction to prayer. “The way a victim reacts to prayer, says the Vatican expert, can hold clues to whether a demon is trying to take control of a person,” the Examiner reports. Clues to watch out for: “Frightening facial expressions, threatening words or gestures, and other things, but especially blasphemies against God and our lady,” the exorcist reportedly says. Holy mother of Christ! Who knew? By that reckoning, half of America must already be possessed by demons, but who am I to argue with an expert? I’m sure he has photographic proof.

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Prince Charles is now a serial killer. Having murdered Princess Diana, he recently ordered the assassination of his “secret daughter” who claimed to be next in line for the British throne. That’s the claim in this week’s Globe magazine, which having had fun for the past two years reporting on ”Sarah” - allegedly conceived in vitro by Charles and Diana during a pre-marital fertility test, and implanted by a devious doctor into his wife’s womb - has now killed her off.

As if that wasn’t enough, the Globe declares that “Charles ordered her death.” Presumably because the Tooth Fairy was busy and the Easter Bunny doesn’t do contract hits on innocent women.

There has never been a shred of evidence that the Globe’s mystery Sarah ever existed, let alone died. She appears to have been inspired by a 2011 novel The Disappearance of Olivia, which imagined a fictionalized child of Princess Diana’s growing up in Florida.

Now - surprise, surprise - Sarah has disappeared while traveling on the Greek isle of Crete, and “a special tracking device she always kept hidden in her clothing” has stopped signaling.

Let’s ignore for one moment that there are currently no reports of missing tourists on Crete, and the fact that the Globe wasn’t imaginative to dream up a tracking device embedded under Sarah’s skin rather than in clothing that is easily shed. Why, when Prince Charles' imaginary “secret daughter” fictionally disappears is she first assumed dead, and secondly presumed murdered on her father’s orders? The Globe has the answer: “She knew the truth about Princess’ death in Paris car wreck.” Right. If she ever existed as claimed, Sarah would have been 15 years old and living a life utterly unrelated to the British monarchy when Princess Diana died in 1997. How could she know the truth about anything happening within the Royal Family, let alone events one night in a tunnel in Paris? Perhaps she reads the tabloids - that’s clearly the best way to keep up with the truth about those dastardly Royals.

The fate of Prince Charles’ secret daughter has as much of the ring of truth about it as many of the offerings in this week’s tabloids.

Bill Cosby was “caught fleeing country!” screams the grammatically-challenged National Enquirer cover, detailing his “plot to escape justice.” But as the 78-year-old disgraced entertainer prepares to face his first criminal trial for sexual assault, the Enquirer claims he has “stashed millions overseas and has plotted his escape from America.” The evidence for this? Zero. It's just what “top law enforcement experts fear.” That should stand up in court.
Charlie Sheen “moved to Mexico to satisfy his sick vices!” claims the Enquirer, which claims the actor has purchased a three-home waterfront estate for $1 million in Rosarito. Let’s get real: For Sheen a $15 million mansion would be moving to Mexico. A $1m estate? Just a vacation retreat.

On the political front, Hillary Clinton is “freaked out . . . on booze and food binges as Feds expose her lies!” yells the Globe, which actually ran the same story last week with the throw-away line that Hillary is “hooked on pills” amid a larger rant about her physical and mental health. This week Hillary’s alleged predilection for prescription pills is front and center in yet another unsubstantiated attack by the Trump-loving tabloids that alleges: “People are very, very worried about her!” I’d be worried about her too, under all that assault by the tabloids.

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani “elope in Vegas!” says the Globe - except they haven’t. Demi Moore is “painfully thin” and “heading for a deadly collapse,” while Britain’s Princess Kate is being “eaten alive by stress,” claims the Enquirer, for whom being thin is always a life-threatening medical crisis, except when it’s a life-long aspiration.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team from Us magazine to tell us that Kate Hudson wore it best, Paula Abdul believes in UFOs, Roselyn Sanchez carries keys, Chapstick and mascara in her handbag, and the stars are just like us: they drink iced coffee, have facials and walk their dogs - revelations that will doubtless touch many readers and change their lives forever.

The “toxic marriage” and “nasty divorce” of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard dominates the covers of People magazine and Us mag respectively. Both promise the "inside story,” but fail to deliver. People mag claims that Depp is possessive, while Heard is freedom-loving, evidently a synonym for screwing around, though she insists she was always faithful. Us mag merely reports the he-said/she-said clash: Heard’s allegations of physical and emotional abuse by Depp, and his army of friends insisting that’s not the gentle peace-loving Caribbean Pirate they all know and love.

None of this will matter soon if the National Examiner is right in reporting: “Darth Vader’s Death Star Ready To Attack Earth!” Evidently Saturn’s moon Iapetus bears an uncanny resemblance to Star Wars’ Death Star, complete with a giant crater that looks like the deep-space battle-station's planet-destroying weapon. Photos of Iapetus were taken by NASA’s Cassini spacecraft in 2004, so presumably the Examiner’s scientific team has spent the past 12 years analyzing the images before reaching this devastating conclusion. While conceding that Darth Vader and Imperial Stormtroopers “may not” be living within Iapetus, the mag’s crack reporting team found someone on a UFO web site willing to speculate that “Iapetus is a constructed object, it’s artificial.” And that must mean it has weapons pointed at Earth, because aliens (who say they believe in Paul Abdul, too.)

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Prince Charles is now a serial killer. Having murdered Princess Diana, he recently ordered the assassination of his “secret daughter” who claimed to be next in line for the British throne. That’s the claim in this week’s Globe magazine, which having had fun for the past two years reporting on ”Sarah” - allegedly conceived in vitro by Charles and Diana during a pre-marital fertility test, and implanted by a devious doctor into his wife’s womb - has now killed her off.

As if that wasn’t enough, the Globe declares that “Charles ordered her death.” Presumably because the Tooth Fairy was busy and the Easter Bunny doesn’t do contract hits on innocent women.

There has never been a shred of evidence that the Globe’s mystery Sarah ever existed, let alone died. She appears to have been inspired by a 2011 novel The Disappearance of Olivia, which imagined a fictionalized child of Princess Diana’s growing up in Florida.

Now - surprise, surprise - Sarah has disappeared while traveling on the Greek isle of Crete, and “a special tracking device she always kept hidden in her clothing” has stopped signaling.

Let’s ignore for one moment that there are currently no reports of missing tourists on Crete, and the fact that the Globe wasn’t imaginative to dream up a tracking device embedded under Sarah’s skin rather than in clothing that is easily shed. Why, when Prince Charles' imaginary “secret daughter” fictionally disappears is she first assumed dead, and secondly presumed murdered on her father’s orders? The Globe has the answer: “She knew the truth about Princess’ death in Paris car wreck.” Right. If she ever existed as claimed, Sarah would have been 15 years old and living a life utterly unrelated to the British monarchy when Princess Diana died in 1997. How could she know the truth about anything happening within the Royal Family, let alone events one night in a tunnel in Paris? Perhaps she reads the tabloids - that’s clearly the best way to keep up with the truth about those dastardly Royals.

The fate of Prince Charles’ secret daughter has as much of the ring of truth about it as many of the offerings in this week’s tabloids.

Bill Cosby was “caught fleeing country!” screams the grammatically-challenged National Enquirer cover, detailing his “plot to escape justice.” But as the 78-year-old disgraced entertainer prepares to face his first criminal trial for sexual assault, the Enquirer claims he has “stashed millions overseas and has plotted his escape from America.” The evidence for this? Zero. It's just what “top law enforcement experts fear.” That should stand up in court.
Charlie Sheen “moved to Mexico to satisfy his sick vices!” claims the Enquirer, which claims the actor has purchased a three-home waterfront estate for $1 million in Rosarito. Let’s get real: For Sheen a $15 million mansion would be moving to Mexico. A $1m estate? Just a vacation retreat.

On the political front, Hillary Clinton is “freaked out . . . on booze and food binges as Feds expose her lies!” yells the Globe, which actually ran the same story last week with the throw-away line that Hillary is “hooked on pills” amid a larger rant about her physical and mental health. This week Hillary’s alleged predilection for prescription pills is front and center in yet another unsubstantiated attack by the Trump-loving tabloids that alleges: “People are very, very worried about her!” I’d be worried about her too, under all that assault by the tabloids.

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani “elope in Vegas!” says the Globe - except they haven’t. Demi Moore is “painfully thin” and “heading for a deadly collapse,” while Britain’s Princess Kate is being “eaten alive by stress,” claims the Enquirer, for whom being thin is always a life-threatening medical crisis, except when it’s a life-long aspiration.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team from Us magazine to tell us that Kate Hudson wore it best, Paula Abdul believes in UFOs, Roselyn Sanchez carries keys, Chapstick and mascara in her handbag, and the stars are just like us: they drink iced coffee, have facials and walk their dogs - revelations that will doubtless touch many readers and change their lives forever.

The “toxic marriage” and “nasty divorce” of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard dominates the covers of People magazine and Us mag respectively. Both promise the "inside story,” but fail to deliver. People mag claims that Depp is possessive, while Heard is freedom-loving, evidently a synonym for screwing around, though she insists she was always faithful. Us mag merely reports the he-said/she-said clash: Heard’s allegations of physical and emotional abuse by Depp, and his army of friends insisting that’s not the gentle peace-loving Caribbean Pirate they all know and love.

None of this will matter soon if the National Examiner is right in reporting: “Darth Vader’s Death Star Ready To Attack Earth!” Evidently Saturn’s moon Iapetus bears an uncanny resemblance to Star Wars’ Death Star, complete with a giant crater that looks like the deep-space battle-station's planet-destroying weapon. Photos of Iapetus were taken by NASA’s Cassini spacecraft in 2004, so presumably the Examiner’s scientific team has spent the past 12 years analyzing the images before reaching this devastating conclusion. While conceding that Darth Vader and Imperial Stormtroopers “may not” be living within Iapetus, the mag’s crack reporting team found someone on a UFO web site willing to speculate that “Iapetus is a constructed object, it’s artificial.” And that must mean it has weapons pointed at Earth, because aliens (who say they believe in Paul Abdul, too.)

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

There’s an epidemic of “pot-eating pooches,” the “world’s toughest duck” has died, a dog named Archer was shot in Oklahoma by an arrow, and your cat can live in a “pur-r-r-r-rfect” replica of the Kremlin.

There’s plenty for the animal-lover to chew on in this week’s tabloids, which also include ads for an “adorable” posable realistic monkey doll, a limited edition figurine of 12 Yorkies crowded on a sofa, and two porcelain Siamese cats decorated in a willow pattern. There’s even a lovable photo of the 200 pound chimp who chewed the face and hands off his owner, and a mosquito bringing the Zita virus, because sometimes cute-and-cuddly nature will get Medieval on your ass.

So will the fact-challenged tabloids, which this week claim that Julia Roberts and George Clooney have been caught cheating, Angelina Jolie is living in “bone disease hell,” the Obamas plan to “ransack the White House,” and John Travolta is a secret “drag queen.”

How were George and Julia "caught cheating”? The National Enquirer found them both on the set of their new movie, Money Monster. Sounds like grounds for divorce for me. The Enquirer offers no evidence of an affair, but an unnamed source claims the two actors “cozy up,” and Clooney’s wife Amal feels “it’s cheating - emotional cheating.” Right. Just like I feel cheated of any facts in this story.

Is Jolie suffering some dreaded “bone disease” as the Enquirer claims? Not if you read the story below the sensational headline. Claiming that Jolie now weighs 79 pounds, the Enquirer says she is “at risk of developing arthritis and the debilitating brittle bone disease osteoporosis.” In other words, she’s thin, and everything else is sheer speculation.

Are Michelle and Barack Obama about to strip the White House of its treasures when they leave next year? The Enquirer warns that “millions of dollars in precious American art . . . could be looted.” Why would they think that? “It’s certainly conceivable,” says the Enquirer. Its’s also conceivable that aliens intent on global domination will blow up the White House. I’ve seen it happen on the big screen. It’s only a matter of time.

Photos of John Travolta in a blonde wig and pink dress could be “the final straw” for his wife Kelly Preston, claims the Globe. But these photos, taken at a party in 1997, six years after marrying Preston, first appeared in sister tabloid the Enquirer in 2012. So these photos couldn’t possibly be “the final straw.” They’re just an ancient costume party dressed up as a new slur, hoping that readers have forgotten it’s an old story. Newsflash: We haven’t.

The Trump-loving tabloids continue their attacks on Hillary Clinton, who is “hooked on pills,” is “prone to strokes, is battling depression and alcohol abuse and is in the early stages of multiple sclerosis,” according to the Globe. And she has gained 45 pounds, they add - the ultimate tabloid sin. Hillary used “unsecure phones to woo lesbian lovers,” claims the Enquirer, though I’m pretty sure there is no constitutional requirement to woo lesbian lovers on a secure line. Hillary battling MS? Dubious.

The unauthorized Hillary memoir Unlikeable by Ed Klein published last year quoted a purported Clinton friend claiming that Hillary “might” be suffering from MS based on the health issues she has battled. Hardly an official medical diagnosis, but it certainly meets the exacting standards set by the Enquirer’s fact-checkers.

Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at Us magazine to tell us that Demi Lovato wore it best, Emayatzy Corinealdi (Who she, Ed?) carries lipstick, vitamins and sunglasses in her leather Patricia Nash backpack, that Simon Cowell loves licorice, and the stars are just like us: they shop for flowers, walk their dogs and take selfies. Revelatory.

After People magazine last week brought us its 'bodies of the year,' Us mag follows this week with its ‘best bodies’ issue, featuring singer Carrie Underwood on the cover proclaiming “My best body.” I’m pretty sure it’s the same body she’s always had, just in better shape. I’d far rather see Dr Frankenstein, or Burke & Hare, reveal “my best body,” but that’s unlikely to happen. It’s just another excuse for Us mag to flaunt dozens of women in bikinis and shirtless men brandishing their waxed pecs, because nothing says “sexual equality” better than turning all men and women into sex objects.

People mag puts TV personality Steve Harvey on its cover telling his rags-to-riches story, having once lived in his car for three years, and now worth $100 million, doubtless offering real hope to every homeless person currently living in a car. The secret to his transformation? Landing a high-profile gig performing on ‘Showtime at the Apollo.’ Come on, homeless people - you can do it!

Us mag gets the headline of the week award for ‘Taylor’s Terrifying Night,’ revealing “Swift gets a scare." What dire misfortune befell songstress Taylor Swift? Her boyfriend, top DJ Calvin Harris, was in a car crash and cut his nose. You might think it was a scarier night for Calvin Harris, but evidently ‘Calvin’s Terrifying Night’ didn’t appeal to the sub-editors at Us mag, presumably because anything that happens to Harris is only of interest as far as it affects Swift. That must be slightly disheartening for Harris, but at least he didn’t have his face chewed off by a chimpanzee.

As for the “world’s toughest duck,” Perky survived three shootings and two days left in a fridge nine years ago, before being rescued by a Tallahassee sanctuary, until her death this month, according to the Enquirer.

“Pot-eating pooches” have become an epidemic in Colorado since the state legalized marijuana, and pets are increasingly munching their owners’ no-longer-hidden stashes, claims the Globe. The dog shot with an arrow was named ‘Archer’ by the vet who saved him, reveals the National Examiner, which isn’t quite as ironic as it first sounded. The Examiner also features luxury cat playhouses designed to look like the Kremlin, a Chinese pagoda, and the White House - doubtless emptied of everything by the Obamas’ cats.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

There’s an epidemic of “pot-eating pooches,” the “world’s toughest duck” has died, a dog named Archer was shot in Oklahoma by an arrow, and your cat can live in a “pur-r-r-r-rfect” replica of the Kremlin.

There’s plenty for the animal-lover to chew on in this week’s tabloids, which also include ads for an “adorable” posable realistic monkey doll, a limited edition figurine of 12 Yorkies crowded on a sofa, and two porcelain Siamese cats decorated in a willow pattern. There’s even a lovable photo of the 200 pound chimp who chewed the face and hands off his owner, and a mosquito bringing the Zita virus, because sometimes cute-and-cuddly nature will get Medieval on your ass.

So will the fact-challenged tabloids, which this week claim that Julia Roberts and George Clooney have been caught cheating, Angelina Jolie is living in “bone disease hell,” the Obamas plan to “ransack the White House,” and John Travolta is a secret “drag queen.”

How were George and Julia "caught cheating”? The National Enquirer found them both on the set of their new movie, Money Monster. Sounds like grounds for divorce for me. The Enquirer offers no evidence of an affair, but an unnamed source claims the two actors “cozy up,” and Clooney’s wife Amal feels “it’s cheating - emotional cheating.” Right. Just like I feel cheated of any facts in this story.

Is Jolie suffering some dreaded “bone disease” as the Enquirer claims? Not if you read the story below the sensational headline. Claiming that Jolie now weighs 79 pounds, the Enquirer says she is “at risk of developing arthritis and the debilitating brittle bone disease osteoporosis.” In other words, she’s thin, and everything else is sheer speculation.

Are Michelle and Barack Obama about to strip the White House of its treasures when they leave next year? The Enquirer warns that “millions of dollars in precious American art . . . could be looted.” Why would they think that? “It’s certainly conceivable,” says the Enquirer. Its’s also conceivable that aliens intent on global domination will blow up the White House. I’ve seen it happen on the big screen. It’s only a matter of time.

Photos of John Travolta in a blonde wig and pink dress could be “the final straw” for his wife Kelly Preston, claims the Globe. But these photos, taken at a party in 1997, six years after marrying Preston, first appeared in sister tabloid the Enquirer in 2012. So these photos couldn’t possibly be “the final straw.” They’re just an ancient costume party dressed up as a new slur, hoping that readers have forgotten it’s an old story. Newsflash: We haven’t.

The Trump-loving tabloids continue their attacks on Hillary Clinton, who is “hooked on pills,” is “prone to strokes, is battling depression and alcohol abuse and is in the early stages of multiple sclerosis,” according to the Globe. And she has gained 45 pounds, they add - the ultimate tabloid sin. Hillary used “unsecure phones to woo lesbian lovers,” claims the Enquirer, though I’m pretty sure there is no constitutional requirement to woo lesbian lovers on a secure line. Hillary battling MS? Dubious.

The unauthorized Hillary memoir Unlikeable by Ed Klein published last year quoted a purported Clinton friend claiming that Hillary “might” be suffering from MS based on the health issues she has battled. Hardly an official medical diagnosis, but it certainly meets the exacting standards set by the Enquirer’s fact-checkers.

Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at Us magazine to tell us that Demi Lovato wore it best, Emayatzy Corinealdi (Who she, Ed?) carries lipstick, vitamins and sunglasses in her leather Patricia Nash backpack, that Simon Cowell loves licorice, and the stars are just like us: they shop for flowers, walk their dogs and take selfies. Revelatory.

After People magazine last week brought us its 'bodies of the year,' Us mag follows this week with its ‘best bodies’ issue, featuring singer Carrie Underwood on the cover proclaiming “My best body.” I’m pretty sure it’s the same body she’s always had, just in better shape. I’d far rather see Dr Frankenstein, or Burke & Hare, reveal “my best body,” but that’s unlikely to happen. It’s just another excuse for Us mag to flaunt dozens of women in bikinis and shirtless men brandishing their waxed pecs, because nothing says “sexual equality” better than turning all men and women into sex objects.

People mag puts TV personality Steve Harvey on its cover telling his rags-to-riches story, having once lived in his car for three years, and now worth $100 million, doubtless offering real hope to every homeless person currently living in a car. The secret to his transformation? Landing a high-profile gig performing on ‘Showtime at the Apollo.’ Come on, homeless people - you can do it!

Us mag gets the headline of the week award for ‘Taylor’s Terrifying Night,’ revealing “Swift gets a scare." What dire misfortune befell songstress Taylor Swift? Her boyfriend, top DJ Calvin Harris, was in a car crash and cut his nose. You might think it was a scarier night for Calvin Harris, but evidently ‘Calvin’s Terrifying Night’ didn’t appeal to the sub-editors at Us mag, presumably because anything that happens to Harris is only of interest as far as it affects Swift. That must be slightly disheartening for Harris, but at least he didn’t have his face chewed off by a chimpanzee.

As for the “world’s toughest duck,” Perky survived three shootings and two days left in a fridge nine years ago, before being rescued by a Tallahassee sanctuary, until her death this month, according to the Enquirer.

“Pot-eating pooches” have become an epidemic in Colorado since the state legalized marijuana, and pets are increasingly munching their owners’ no-longer-hidden stashes, claims the Globe. The dog shot with an arrow was named ‘Archer’ by the vet who saved him, reveals the National Examiner, which isn’t quite as ironic as it first sounded. The Examiner also features luxury cat playhouses designed to look like the Kremlin, a Chinese pagoda, and the White House - doubtless emptied of everything by the Obamas’ cats.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

http://boingboing.net/2016/05/26/worlds-toughest-duck-ha.html/feed9463796Stories from the alternate universe inhabited by the tabloid magazineshttp://boingboing.net/2016/05/18/stories-from-the-alternate-uni.html
http://boingboing.net/2016/05/18/stories-from-the-alternate-uni.html#commentsWed, 18 May 2016 20:20:26 +0000http://boingboing.net/?p=462559

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Superstring theory suggests there are ten dimensions, while bosonic string theory posits as many as 26 dimensions of spacetime.

But I’ve discovered an additional dimension: the alternate universe inhabited by the tabloid magazines, where the laws of reality rarely apply.

They all spring from the quantum mechanics of this week’s National Enquirer, which approaches events with the certainty of Schrodinger’s Cat. If a story could conceivably have happened, that’s good enough for these fact-challenged folk.

Inspired by allegations that Cuba’s Fidel Castro has ordered celebrities’ hotel rooms to be fitted with hidden cameras and listening devices, the Kardashian-bashing Enquirer screams: “Kim in new sex tape shocker,” claiming “she’s caught on film Havana romp with Kanye in Cuba.” But read the story, and you’ll find the Enquirer admitting that “cameras probably caught” the couple - because without evidence the story is sheer conjecture.

As is the list of “A-List stars in Hollywood Madam’s black book.” The Enquirer names Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Hugh Grant and Justin Bieber in its recreation of Fleiss’s contacts book.

Let’s not quibble about the inclusion of Justin Bieber, who was born in 1994 - one year after Fleiss’ arrest and the collapse of her vice ring. The Enquirer undoubtedly had insiders in his mother’s womb who witnessed Justin’s embryo hiring hookers. The Enquirer even admits that these celebrities are not in Fleiss's black book; rather, they are the result of “an exhaustive Enquirer probe.” A host of other stars allegedly named in the book - if it exists, since even Heidi isn’t certain - may have simply been friends or acquaintances of Fleiss, rather than clients, the Enquirer admits. But that doesn’t stop it smearing the lot of them.

Janet Jackson allegedly had not one secret love child but two, both given up for adoption, claims the Enquirer. The singer supposedly had these children while married to pop star James DeBarge in the ‘80s. “I hadn’t known,” DeBarge reportedly tells the Enquirer - because you know how easy it is in a busy modern marriage to miss little details like your wife's pregnancy. There’s the trash to take out, the dog to walk, a world concert tour to arrange - who has time to notice that your wife is pregnant? Twice.

Why is the Enquirer interested in Jack Worthington II, who first claimed to be JFK’s love child way back in 2008? Because he’s endorsing the presumptive Republican presidential nominee and Enquirer favorite Donald Trump, saying: “Donald’s the one to lead the nation.” How does Mr. Worthington know his own parentage? Through a failure in planning, the Enquirer did not have an insider in his mother’s womb. But when Mr Worthington wondered why he had different DNA from the man he always assumed was his father, his mother gave the perfectly natural explanation that she had a fling with JFK. Presumably because Elvis wasn’t available. And his saintly mother couldn’t possibly be lying, could she?

Jennifer Garner has reunited with estranged husband Ben Affleck and is expecting their child, claims the Enquirer, based on nothing more than a photo of Garner in a blouse that could be showing a modest baby bump, or merely a slight gust of wind. I’m not sending a baby gift until I receive the official announcement.

Not to be outdone in the fan fiction department, the Globe has sensational photos of Prince Charles tenderly kissing and hugging a young “toy boy” lover. It seems remarkable that Charles and his team of bodyguards could have allowed photographers up close to snatch these intimate images, in which the unidentified young man lovingly straightens Charles’ tie, pulls the Prince toward him and embraces in a passionate lip lock on a public street. “Shocking proof of secret life dooms fight to be King,” proclaims the Globe. But wait . . . what are those tiny words tucked away in a small corner of one image? “Photo recreation.” So these “explosive pictures” aren’t real at all. In fact, the Globe provides no evidence that such photos even exist, but that doesn’t stop the mag from quoting an “insider” who concludes: “The photos have undoubtedly clinched the crown for William and his wife, Kate, who have disowned him.” Undoubtedly.

Marilyn Monroe’s missing private journal has been “found at last,” claims the National Examiner, which publishes two pages of excerpts, allegedly revealing the star’s anger that the Kennedy brothers and Mafia mob boss Sam Giancana all treated her like “a whore” and promising “I’ll get revenge . . . I know all their dirty secrets.” It seems a highly convenient explanation for her suspicious drug overdose death, but it’s there in her journal, so its must be true - though the Examiner confesses that it “cannot independently verify claims the diary is genuine.” Well, I never saw that coming.

With summer and swimsuit season approaching, People magazine brings us its “bodies of the year” issue, an excuse for 23 pages of celebrities baring flesh. Two pages alone cram in 39 actresses, aged from their 20s to 50s, in bikinis and swimsuits, while another page squeezes in 18 hunky actors baring their pecs. Celine Dion is given People mag’s cover, explaining how her heart will go on after the death of husband René, and how she explained his passing to their five-year-old twins by throwing a “glitter-and-balloon” party (doesn’t every widow?) and explaining that their father had “gone up,” floating away on balloons like the old man in the Disney movie Up. Will Dion's children grow up believing that their father is still alive in a small house on the top of a cliff surrounded by a pack of talking dogs? Squirrel!

Fortunately we have the investigative team at Us magazine to reveal that Kerry Washington wore it best (not much of a contest when you’re compared to Tina Fey), Joe Biden’s favorite meal is pasta, singer Jennifer Nettles carries sunglasses, a protein bar and hairbrush in her Madewell purse, and that the stars are just like us: they pump their own gas, snack on the go, run on the beach, and (branding Her Majesty the Queen a “star,” which seems something of a demotion) color-coordinate.

Us mag devotes its cover and eight pages inside to a “tenth anniversary special” on TV series The Hills. Because that’s what America really cares about today: what happened to Lauren, Kristin, Audrina, Spencer and Heidi. Perhaps we’ll also find their names in Heidi Fleiss’s little black book, and on a Cuban secret police sex tape in some alternate universe. Because if you can think it, then in the Tabloid Dimension it must have happened.]]>

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Superstring theory suggests there are ten dimensions, while bosonic string theory posits as many as 26 dimensions of spacetime.

But I’ve discovered an additional dimension: the alternate universe inhabited by the tabloid magazines, where the laws of reality rarely apply.

They all spring from the quantum mechanics of this week’s National Enquirer, which approaches events with the certainty of Schrodinger’s Cat. If a story could conceivably have happened, that’s good enough for these fact-challenged folk.

Inspired by allegations that Cuba’s Fidel Castro has ordered celebrities’ hotel rooms to be fitted with hidden cameras and listening devices, the Kardashian-bashing Enquirer screams: “Kim in new sex tape shocker,” claiming “she’s caught on film Havana romp with Kanye in Cuba.” But read the story, and you’ll find the Enquirer admitting that “cameras probably caught” the couple - because without evidence the story is sheer conjecture.

As is the list of “A-List stars in Hollywood Madam’s black book.” The Enquirer names Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Hugh Grant and Justin Bieber in its recreation of Fleiss’s contacts book.

Let’s not quibble about the inclusion of Justin Bieber, who was born in 1994 - one year after Fleiss’ arrest and the collapse of her vice ring. The Enquirer undoubtedly had insiders in his mother’s womb who witnessed Justin’s embryo hiring hookers. The Enquirer even admits that these celebrities are not in Fleiss's black book; rather, they are the result of “an exhaustive Enquirer probe.” A host of other stars allegedly named in the book - if it exists, since even Heidi isn’t certain - may have simply been friends or acquaintances of Fleiss, rather than clients, the Enquirer admits. But that doesn’t stop it smearing the lot of them.

Janet Jackson allegedly had not one secret love child but two, both given up for adoption, claims the Enquirer. The singer supposedly had these children while married to pop star James DeBarge in the ‘80s. “I hadn’t known,” DeBarge reportedly tells the Enquirer - because you know how easy it is in a busy modern marriage to miss little details like your wife's pregnancy. There’s the trash to take out, the dog to walk, a world concert tour to arrange - who has time to notice that your wife is pregnant? Twice.

Why is the Enquirer interested in Jack Worthington II, who first claimed to be JFK’s love child way back in 2008? Because he’s endorsing the presumptive Republican presidential nominee and Enquirer favorite Donald Trump, saying: “Donald’s the one to lead the nation.” How does Mr. Worthington know his own parentage? Through a failure in planning, the Enquirer did not have an insider in his mother’s womb. But when Mr Worthington wondered why he had different DNA from the man he always assumed was his father, his mother gave the perfectly natural explanation that she had a fling with JFK. Presumably because Elvis wasn’t available. And his saintly mother couldn’t possibly be lying, could she?

Jennifer Garner has reunited with estranged husband Ben Affleck and is expecting their child, claims the Enquirer, based on nothing more than a photo of Garner in a blouse that could be showing a modest baby bump, or merely a slight gust of wind. I’m not sending a baby gift until I receive the official announcement.

Not to be outdone in the fan fiction department, the Globe has sensational photos of Prince Charles tenderly kissing and hugging a young “toy boy” lover. It seems remarkable that Charles and his team of bodyguards could have allowed photographers up close to snatch these intimate images, in which the unidentified young man lovingly straightens Charles’ tie, pulls the Prince toward him and embraces in a passionate lip lock on a public street. “Shocking proof of secret life dooms fight to be King,” proclaims the Globe. But wait . . . what are those tiny words tucked away in a small corner of one image? “Photo recreation.” So these “explosive pictures” aren’t real at all. In fact, the Globe provides no evidence that such photos even exist, but that doesn’t stop the mag from quoting an “insider” who concludes: “The photos have undoubtedly clinched the crown for William and his wife, Kate, who have disowned him.” Undoubtedly.

Marilyn Monroe’s missing private journal has been “found at last,” claims the National Examiner, which publishes two pages of excerpts, allegedly revealing the star’s anger that the Kennedy brothers and Mafia mob boss Sam Giancana all treated her like “a whore” and promising “I’ll get revenge . . . I know all their dirty secrets.” It seems a highly convenient explanation for her suspicious drug overdose death, but it’s there in her journal, so its must be true - though the Examiner confesses that it “cannot independently verify claims the diary is genuine.” Well, I never saw that coming.

With summer and swimsuit season approaching, People magazine brings us its “bodies of the year” issue, an excuse for 23 pages of celebrities baring flesh. Two pages alone cram in 39 actresses, aged from their 20s to 50s, in bikinis and swimsuits, while another page squeezes in 18 hunky actors baring their pecs. Celine Dion is given People mag’s cover, explaining how her heart will go on after the death of husband René, and how she explained his passing to their five-year-old twins by throwing a “glitter-and-balloon” party (doesn’t every widow?) and explaining that their father had “gone up,” floating away on balloons like the old man in the Disney movie Up. Will Dion's children grow up believing that their father is still alive in a small house on the top of a cliff surrounded by a pack of talking dogs? Squirrel!

Fortunately we have the investigative team at Us magazine to reveal that Kerry Washington wore it best (not much of a contest when you’re compared to Tina Fey), Joe Biden’s favorite meal is pasta, singer Jennifer Nettles carries sunglasses, a protein bar and hairbrush in her Madewell purse, and that the stars are just like us: they pump their own gas, snack on the go, run on the beach, and (branding Her Majesty the Queen a “star,” which seems something of a demotion) color-coordinate.

Us mag devotes its cover and eight pages inside to a “tenth anniversary special” on TV series The Hills. Because that’s what America really cares about today: what happened to Lauren, Kristin, Audrina, Spencer and Heidi. Perhaps we’ll also find their names in Heidi Fleiss’s little black book, and on a Cuban secret police sex tape in some alternate universe. Because if you can think it, then in the Tabloid Dimension it must have happened.]]>

http://boingboing.net/2016/05/18/stories-from-the-alternate-uni.html/feed2462559Secret White House economic analysis foresees new Great Depression within months, and other tabloid stunnershttp://boingboing.net/2016/05/11/secret-white-house-economic-an.html
http://boingboing.net/2016/05/11/secret-white-house-economic-an.html#commentsWed, 11 May 2016 18:08:54 +0000http://boingboing.net/?p=461444

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Yet the mag also seems intent on hurrying readers to an early grave with artery-clogging recipes for mustard barbecue ribs and grilled corn with cheese and cayenne, along with ads for cherry and chocolate s’mores, fudge stripe cookies and caramel macchiato.

When Us magazine insists that the stars are just like us - this week they walk their dogs, slurp soup and buy in bulk - it doesn’t mention that they’re also fighting depression and chugging diet pills, both of which are advertised in its pages.

But if you’re not already sick, this week’s tabloids will get you there.

Ten pages jam-packed with Bill Clinton’s alleged mistresses, sex harassment victims and even discredited accusers fill the National Enquirer, which explains “Why Hillary can never be president” because “she covered up predator Bill’s sex crimes.”

It’s a claim that bears consideration, but the Enquirer’s full-nuclear-option attack listing Bill Clinton's 36 alleged victims and “Hillary’s decades of terror and threats against women” may seem just a mite politically motivated. Especially when followed by a spread headlined: “We’re backing Donald all the way!” in which “ex-wives Ivana and Marla reveal why Trump’s the only man for the White House.” Because he’s done so much to advance women’s rights, one assumes.

How sick must you be to believe the Enquirer’s “world exclusive” claiming that Tom Cruise has not seen ten-year-old daughter Suri since September 2013 because he “has been brainwashed into believing that an ‘evil spirit’ is controlling his innocent little girl”? What the Enquirer actually means is that Cruise hasn’t been photographed in public with Suri in three years, which isn’t exactly the same as not seeing his daughter. But as the Enquirer will tell you, if they don’t see it, it never happened. (And if they report it, it probably never happened either.)

It’s a similar logic that has the Enquirer show a photo of Drew Barrymore, freshly split from husband Will Kopelman, in a baggy sweater which prompts an “insider” to say: “It looks like she has a baby bump!” Let’s get this straight: a Kalahari tribesman could look at this photo and say: “It looks like she has a baby bump!” It’s a baggy sweater, fer cryin’ out loud. We don’t need an “insider” to speculate on why an actress wears loose-fitting clothing. An “insider” would actually know. And the Enquirer simply doesn’t, which is par for the course.

Beyonce “is rocketing toward a blockbuster $1 billion divorce” from husband Jay Z, claims the Globe, flying in the face of all evidence that she has overcome whatever concerns she may have had over her husband’s alleged infidelity. The Globe also claims that Ted Kennedy’s first wife Joan is writing a “deathbed tell-all,” “feverishly scribbling page after page during the wee hours of the night in a race against time.” A “deathbed” normally conjures up images of hospital ventilators, intravenous drips and painkillers, but evidently to the Globe it means writing long into the night. Which naturally gives the Globe carte blanche to dredge up every Kennedy clan scandal it can think of, because speculation is always more interesting than reality.

Kelly Ripa tells “My side of the story” in People magazine, revealing her shock at co-host Michael Strahan’s departure from TV show Live, and I really couldn’t care less.

Us magazine brings us Prince’s “final days” hiding his prescription pill addiction from loved ones, and “his last-ditch plea for help.” But that’s just wishful headline writing: Us mag’s story reveals no last-ditch plea for help by the rocker - it was worried aides who called an addiction specialist, and Prince’s lawyer confirms that “the hope was to get him stabilized . . . and convince him” to go to a rehab clinic.

Fortunately we have Us mag’s crack investigative team to tell us that Lily Aldridge (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, Caitriona Balfe (Seriously, who she - Ed?) carries mascara, highlighter and an In-N-Out Burger gift card in her Miu Miu satchel, Trevor Noah admits “I love cuddling,” and that Kim Kardashian had an epiphany on her recent trip to Cuba: “Living in the moment having no phone service was so amazing!” If a visit to Cuba stops her posting relentless selfies, I for one would happily donate generously to a fund to keep her there.

The ever-optimistic National Examiner reveals details of a “secret” White House economic analysis which foresees “a new Great Depression within months or even weeks,” with U.S. unemployment hitting 40 per cent, average annual salaries dropping to less than $10,000 and uncontrolled inflation. I can’t imagine why the Wall Street Journal hasn’t picked up on this yet.

Onwards and downwards . . . ]]>

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Yet the mag also seems intent on hurrying readers to an early grave with artery-clogging recipes for mustard barbecue ribs and grilled corn with cheese and cayenne, along with ads for cherry and chocolate s’mores, fudge stripe cookies and caramel macchiato.

When Us magazine insists that the stars are just like us - this week they walk their dogs, slurp soup and buy in bulk - it doesn’t mention that they’re also fighting depression and chugging diet pills, both of which are advertised in its pages.

But if you’re not already sick, this week’s tabloids will get you there.

Ten pages jam-packed with Bill Clinton’s alleged mistresses, sex harassment victims and even discredited accusers fill the National Enquirer, which explains “Why Hillary can never be president” because “she covered up predator Bill’s sex crimes.”

It’s a claim that bears consideration, but the Enquirer’s full-nuclear-option attack listing Bill Clinton's 36 alleged victims and “Hillary’s decades of terror and threats against women” may seem just a mite politically motivated. Especially when followed by a spread headlined: “We’re backing Donald all the way!” in which “ex-wives Ivana and Marla reveal why Trump’s the only man for the White House.” Because he’s done so much to advance women’s rights, one assumes.

How sick must you be to believe the Enquirer’s “world exclusive” claiming that Tom Cruise has not seen ten-year-old daughter Suri since September 2013 because he “has been brainwashed into believing that an ‘evil spirit’ is controlling his innocent little girl”? What the Enquirer actually means is that Cruise hasn’t been photographed in public with Suri in three years, which isn’t exactly the same as not seeing his daughter. But as the Enquirer will tell you, if they don’t see it, it never happened. (And if they report it, it probably never happened either.)

It’s a similar logic that has the Enquirer show a photo of Drew Barrymore, freshly split from husband Will Kopelman, in a baggy sweater which prompts an “insider” to say: “It looks like she has a baby bump!” Let’s get this straight: a Kalahari tribesman could look at this photo and say: “It looks like she has a baby bump!” It’s a baggy sweater, fer cryin’ out loud. We don’t need an “insider” to speculate on why an actress wears loose-fitting clothing. An “insider” would actually know. And the Enquirer simply doesn’t, which is par for the course.

Beyonce “is rocketing toward a blockbuster $1 billion divorce” from husband Jay Z, claims the Globe, flying in the face of all evidence that she has overcome whatever concerns she may have had over her husband’s alleged infidelity. The Globe also claims that Ted Kennedy’s first wife Joan is writing a “deathbed tell-all,” “feverishly scribbling page after page during the wee hours of the night in a race against time.” A “deathbed” normally conjures up images of hospital ventilators, intravenous drips and painkillers, but evidently to the Globe it means writing long into the night. Which naturally gives the Globe carte blanche to dredge up every Kennedy clan scandal it can think of, because speculation is always more interesting than reality.

Kelly Ripa tells “My side of the story” in People magazine, revealing her shock at co-host Michael Strahan’s departure from TV show Live, and I really couldn’t care less.

Us magazine brings us Prince’s “final days” hiding his prescription pill addiction from loved ones, and “his last-ditch plea for help.” But that’s just wishful headline writing: Us mag’s story reveals no last-ditch plea for help by the rocker - it was worried aides who called an addiction specialist, and Prince’s lawyer confirms that “the hope was to get him stabilized . . . and convince him” to go to a rehab clinic.

Fortunately we have Us mag’s crack investigative team to tell us that Lily Aldridge (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, Caitriona Balfe (Seriously, who she - Ed?) carries mascara, highlighter and an In-N-Out Burger gift card in her Miu Miu satchel, Trevor Noah admits “I love cuddling,” and that Kim Kardashian had an epiphany on her recent trip to Cuba: “Living in the moment having no phone service was so amazing!” If a visit to Cuba stops her posting relentless selfies, I for one would happily donate generously to a fund to keep her there.

The ever-optimistic National Examiner reveals details of a “secret” White House economic analysis which foresees “a new Great Depression within months or even weeks,” with U.S. unemployment hitting 40 per cent, average annual salaries dropping to less than $10,000 and uncontrolled inflation. I can’t imagine why the Wall Street Journal hasn’t picked up on this yet.

Onwards and downwards . . . ]]>

http://boingboing.net/2016/05/11/secret-white-house-economic-an.html/feed3461444Angelina Jolie on a secret hunger strike to call attention to Syrian refugees, and other tabloid stunnershttp://boingboing.net/2016/05/04/angelina-jolie-on-a-secret-hun.html
http://boingboing.net/2016/05/04/angelina-jolie-on-a-secret-hun.html#commentsWed, 04 May 2016 22:31:31 +0000http://boingboing.net/?p=460376

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Pictures never lie, do they?

So there’s no arguing with the graphic video footage that the National Enquirer’s latest edition offers showing singer Prince’s last moments dying in an elevator at his Minnesota mansion, and of a suicidal O.J. Simpson trying to hang himself in his prison cell.

Dramatic images indeed - if the video actually existed, and if the Enquirer had it. Which it doesn’t.

But somehow that doesn’t stop the from littering its cover with photos of Prince sprawled lifeless on an elevator floor, and of prison guards cutting O.J. down from his hand-crafted noose (apparently an impromptu concoction of towels, sheets and old shirts like you might find at a Maker Faire run by Dr Kevorkian.)

Beneath the blazing “World Exclusive” headlines you have to look really closely to find the hidden words: “Photo Recreation” on these pictures. And it’s far from certain that they are recreating video that even exists. Prince had video surveillance at his home studio, but were there cameras in his elevator, and did they film his demise? Prison CCTV cameras may cover hallways, but rarely peer into individual cells. There’s some wild speculation at play here, which is business as usual in this week’s tabloids.

Katie Holmes is expecting Jamie Foxx’s love child, and singer Rihanna is pregnant with Leonardo DiCaprio’s baby, claims the Enquirer. I don’t think we’ll have to wait nine months to discover the truth of these speculative allegations.

Imaginations simply run wild at the Enquirer this week, where the ever-thin Angelina Jolie is now reported to be “on a hunger strike to call attention to the plight of Syrian refugees.”

There’s only one small problem with that scenario: Jolie would have to be publicizing her hunger strike in order to draw worldwide attention to the refugee crisis. Having a hunger strike in secret defeats the object of the exercise. Or could this just be more wishful thinking on the part of the Enquirer?

The Globe claims to have uncovered Prince’s “tragic suicide note” in the vault at his Paisley Park home, allegedly writing about his loneliness and desire for someone in his life.

But this purported note doesn’t include any mention of wanting to kill himself - traditionally the hallmark of a suicide note - and in fact sounds remarkably like what is known in the music industry as “ideas for a song.” The Globe also boasts a remarkable photo of Prince laying dead on the autopsy table, though the small print says - you guessed it - “photo re-creation.”

Britain’s Prince Harry tells People magazine “I don't play Xbox or PlayStation any more,” and that “There’s been times I’ve been put off having children.” After all, why have children if you can’t be bothered to play Xbox games with them?

And Us magazine reveals that Ashley Madekwe (Seriously - Who she, Ed?) wore it best, that Billy Idol was kicked out of the Boy Scouts at age ten, and that Cyndi Lauper carries Burberry perfume, Mac lipstick and a copy of Reza Aslan’s Zealot (as if she didn’t know she’d be emptying her purse for a photoshoot and dumped the Jackie Collins novel) in her MZ Wallace tote. The stars are still just like us, says Us mag: they sunbathe, walk their dogs, and carry bags. The revelations never end.

Thankfully the National Examiner gives us two pages of photographs of dogs eating peanut butter - and why not? - and reveals that wooly mammoths will “walk the earth once more,” as “scientists use DNA to recreate massive mammoths for a real-life Jurassic Park in Russia.”

Who cares that this story first broke in March 2012, when even the BBC jumped on board? Some stories are simply too much fun not to repeat once everyone seems to have forgotten about them. Performing this experiment in Spielbergian cloning is the implausible-sounding Mammoth Museum in Yakutsk, which against all tabloid logic actually exists - which is more than can be said for Prince’s suicide note and video evidence of his death, O.J. Simpson’s suicide bid, and the pregnancies of Katie Holmes and Rihanna.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Pictures never lie, do they?

So there’s no arguing with the graphic video footage that the National Enquirer’s latest edition offers showing singer Prince’s last moments dying in an elevator at his Minnesota mansion, and of a suicidal O.J. Simpson trying to hang himself in his prison cell.

Dramatic images indeed - if the video actually existed, and if the Enquirer had it. Which it doesn’t.

But somehow that doesn’t stop the from littering its cover with photos of Prince sprawled lifeless on an elevator floor, and of prison guards cutting O.J. down from his hand-crafted noose (apparently an impromptu concoction of towels, sheets and old shirts like you might find at a Maker Faire run by Dr Kevorkian.)

Beneath the blazing “World Exclusive” headlines you have to look really closely to find the hidden words: “Photo Recreation” on these pictures. And it’s far from certain that they are recreating video that even exists. Prince had video surveillance at his home studio, but were there cameras in his elevator, and did they film his demise? Prison CCTV cameras may cover hallways, but rarely peer into individual cells. There’s some wild speculation at play here, which is business as usual in this week’s tabloids.

Katie Holmes is expecting Jamie Foxx’s love child, and singer Rihanna is pregnant with Leonardo DiCaprio’s baby, claims the Enquirer. I don’t think we’ll have to wait nine months to discover the truth of these speculative allegations.

Imaginations simply run wild at the Enquirer this week, where the ever-thin Angelina Jolie is now reported to be “on a hunger strike to call attention to the plight of Syrian refugees.”

There’s only one small problem with that scenario: Jolie would have to be publicizing her hunger strike in order to draw worldwide attention to the refugee crisis. Having a hunger strike in secret defeats the object of the exercise. Or could this just be more wishful thinking on the part of the Enquirer?

The Globe claims to have uncovered Prince’s “tragic suicide note” in the vault at his Paisley Park home, allegedly writing about his loneliness and desire for someone in his life.

But this purported note doesn’t include any mention of wanting to kill himself - traditionally the hallmark of a suicide note - and in fact sounds remarkably like what is known in the music industry as “ideas for a song.” The Globe also boasts a remarkable photo of Prince laying dead on the autopsy table, though the small print says - you guessed it - “photo re-creation.”

Britain’s Prince Harry tells People magazine “I don't play Xbox or PlayStation any more,” and that “There’s been times I’ve been put off having children.” After all, why have children if you can’t be bothered to play Xbox games with them?

And Us magazine reveals that Ashley Madekwe (Seriously - Who she, Ed?) wore it best, that Billy Idol was kicked out of the Boy Scouts at age ten, and that Cyndi Lauper carries Burberry perfume, Mac lipstick and a copy of Reza Aslan’s Zealot (as if she didn’t know she’d be emptying her purse for a photoshoot and dumped the Jackie Collins novel) in her MZ Wallace tote. The stars are still just like us, says Us mag: they sunbathe, walk their dogs, and carry bags. The revelations never end.

Thankfully the National Examiner gives us two pages of photographs of dogs eating peanut butter - and why not? - and reveals that wooly mammoths will “walk the earth once more,” as “scientists use DNA to recreate massive mammoths for a real-life Jurassic Park in Russia.”

Who cares that this story first broke in March 2012, when even the BBC jumped on board? Some stories are simply too much fun not to repeat once everyone seems to have forgotten about them. Performing this experiment in Spielbergian cloning is the implausible-sounding Mammoth Museum in Yakutsk, which against all tabloid logic actually exists - which is more than can be said for Prince’s suicide note and video evidence of his death, O.J. Simpson’s suicide bid, and the pregnancies of Katie Holmes and Rihanna.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

http://boingboing.net/2016/05/04/angelina-jolie-on-a-secret-hun.html/feed6460376Torrents of lava will gush across the Western United States, and other tabloid stunnershttp://boingboing.net/2016/04/27/torrents-of-lava-will-gush-acr.html
http://boingboing.net/2016/04/27/torrents-of-lava-will-gush-acr.html#commentsWed, 27 Apr 2016 16:30:14 +0000http://boingboing.net/?p=459379

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Earthquakes, floods, fire, nuclear war and the promise that “the world as we know it will end” in the next 100 days is the cheering news from this week’s National Examiner. You’d think this might warrant the front cover, but buried on page 42 is the news that “Torrents of lava will gush across the Western United States,” and “an earthquake off the coast of Hawaii . . . triggers a tsunami that lashes both sides of the Pacific.” This naturally unleashes “flooding and mudslides” that rupture the San Andreas fault and ignite volcanos at Mount St Helens and Yellowstone Park, igniting a “lake of fire” across Wyoming, Montana and Idaho. And that’s just by June. By August expect "a civil uprising” leading to “nuclear holocaust” that “devastates entire countries.” Definitely a good time to stock up on sunscreen, sturdy shoes and an ample supply of burgers.

That’s the optimistic forecast from “the country’s most trusted psychic consultants and religious scholars.” Well, that’s good enough for me. I’m cancelling my Hawaiian vacation and perhaps I’ll spend the summer building an underground shelter. Just because it’s in a tabloid, that doesn’t mean it isn’t the truth, does it?

Well, there’s “the real truth,” and then there’s “what really happened.”
Both are apparently quite different when it comes to the death of pop icon Prince, if this week’s tabloids are to be believed.

Far from spending his final days in agony, the Globe claims “he stubbornly continued his partying ways just a day after undergoing emergency medical treatment” having fallen ill days before his demise.

People magazine quotes unnamed sources claiming that the entertainer had been battling an “ongoing illness” and “undergoing treatments that made his immune system weak” - suggesting that he was relying on medical science and not just prayer.

At least Us magazine has it right when it reports: “It is still unclear why the star passed away so suddenly.”

Tabloid headlines continue their misleading bait-and-switch as the Globe devotes its cover to a topic that has intrigued its readers for two decades: the murder of former child pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey. “JonBenet Mom’s Confession To Police!” yells the cover, proffering “the real story.” Hang on - where have I heard that before . . ? The cover promises: “What she did, how she did it and why cops hid the evidence!”

But if you search the mag for Patsy Ramsey’s “confession” you will be disappointed. In a lengthy interview with investigators in 1998 JonBenet’s mother allegedly admitted that she had been having emotional problems before her daughter’s death, that she had no idea if her daughter had been sexually abused before her murder, and that the handwriting in a note left by the killer looked “familiar.” That may have been mildly interesting in 1998, but today it is hardly a “confession.” And what about “how she did it”? Since Patsy Ramsey admitted doing nothing, we will never know how she achieved such a feat. But that’s what passes as a blockbuster revelation in the tabloids. Why did the police “hide" this “evidence”? Probably because it wasn't evidence of anything, and detectives were determined to conduct their investigation outside the wildly speculative sensationalized world of the tabloids. Speaking of which . . .

The Globe claims that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas “is a kinky swinger” who liked porn videos and “threesomes” according to an alleged former mistress, that Julia Roberts and Jennifer Aniston had the “mother of all catfights” while filming their new movie ‘Mother’s Day,’ and brings us a ten-page special tribute for the Queen’s 90th birthday and momentarily forgets its usual obsession that she’s allegedly at death’s door. The Enquirer continues waving the flag for Donald Trump by attacking Ted Cruz’s preacher father Rafael alleging he runs “shady ministries” as a tax dodge, having previously linked him with JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald. And after dozens of stories branding renown record producer Phil Spector a murdering monster, the Enquirer this week declares “Phil Spector Innocent,” according to new forensic analysis.

Fortunately we have Us magazine’s crack investigative team to tell us that La La Anthony (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, that Mischa Barton carries sunglasses, chewing gum and lollipops swiped from a local bank in her 3.1 Phillip Lim bucket bag (whatever that is), that David Hasselhoff has sold more records than Michael Jackson (in Switzerland), and that the stars are just like us: they try on shoes, they devour burgers and they apply sunscreen. Someone must have tipped off the stars that armageddon is coming.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Earthquakes, floods, fire, nuclear war and the promise that “the world as we know it will end” in the next 100 days is the cheering news from this week’s National Examiner. You’d think this might warrant the front cover, but buried on page 42 is the news that “Torrents of lava will gush across the Western United States,” and “an earthquake off the coast of Hawaii . . . triggers a tsunami that lashes both sides of the Pacific.” This naturally unleashes “flooding and mudslides” that rupture the San Andreas fault and ignite volcanos at Mount St Helens and Yellowstone Park, igniting a “lake of fire” across Wyoming, Montana and Idaho. And that’s just by June. By August expect "a civil uprising” leading to “nuclear holocaust” that “devastates entire countries.” Definitely a good time to stock up on sunscreen, sturdy shoes and an ample supply of burgers.

That’s the optimistic forecast from “the country’s most trusted psychic consultants and religious scholars.” Well, that’s good enough for me. I’m cancelling my Hawaiian vacation and perhaps I’ll spend the summer building an underground shelter. Just because it’s in a tabloid, that doesn’t mean it isn’t the truth, does it?

Well, there’s “the real truth,” and then there’s “what really happened.”
Both are apparently quite different when it comes to the death of pop icon Prince, if this week’s tabloids are to be believed.

Far from spending his final days in agony, the Globe claims “he stubbornly continued his partying ways just a day after undergoing emergency medical treatment” having fallen ill days before his demise.

People magazine quotes unnamed sources claiming that the entertainer had been battling an “ongoing illness” and “undergoing treatments that made his immune system weak” - suggesting that he was relying on medical science and not just prayer.

At least Us magazine has it right when it reports: “It is still unclear why the star passed away so suddenly.”

Tabloid headlines continue their misleading bait-and-switch as the Globe devotes its cover to a topic that has intrigued its readers for two decades: the murder of former child pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey. “JonBenet Mom’s Confession To Police!” yells the cover, proffering “the real story.” Hang on - where have I heard that before . . ? The cover promises: “What she did, how she did it and why cops hid the evidence!”

But if you search the mag for Patsy Ramsey’s “confession” you will be disappointed. In a lengthy interview with investigators in 1998 JonBenet’s mother allegedly admitted that she had been having emotional problems before her daughter’s death, that she had no idea if her daughter had been sexually abused before her murder, and that the handwriting in a note left by the killer looked “familiar.” That may have been mildly interesting in 1998, but today it is hardly a “confession.” And what about “how she did it”? Since Patsy Ramsey admitted doing nothing, we will never know how she achieved such a feat. But that’s what passes as a blockbuster revelation in the tabloids. Why did the police “hide" this “evidence”? Probably because it wasn't evidence of anything, and detectives were determined to conduct their investigation outside the wildly speculative sensationalized world of the tabloids. Speaking of which . . .

The Globe claims that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas “is a kinky swinger” who liked porn videos and “threesomes” according to an alleged former mistress, that Julia Roberts and Jennifer Aniston had the “mother of all catfights” while filming their new movie ‘Mother’s Day,’ and brings us a ten-page special tribute for the Queen’s 90th birthday and momentarily forgets its usual obsession that she’s allegedly at death’s door. The Enquirer continues waving the flag for Donald Trump by attacking Ted Cruz’s preacher father Rafael alleging he runs “shady ministries” as a tax dodge, having previously linked him with JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald. And after dozens of stories branding renown record producer Phil Spector a murdering monster, the Enquirer this week declares “Phil Spector Innocent,” according to new forensic analysis.

Fortunately we have Us magazine’s crack investigative team to tell us that La La Anthony (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, that Mischa Barton carries sunglasses, chewing gum and lollipops swiped from a local bank in her 3.1 Phillip Lim bucket bag (whatever that is), that David Hasselhoff has sold more records than Michael Jackson (in Switzerland), and that the stars are just like us: they try on shoes, they devour burgers and they apply sunscreen. Someone must have tipped off the stars that armageddon is coming.

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

All politics is showbusiness these days, so it’s no surprise that this week’s tabloids and celebrity magazines are knee-deep in matters of state, displaying their usual gifts for gravitas, balance and fairness.

Ted Cruz’s father is linked to JFK’s assassination, Michelle Obama is working to destroy Hillary Clinton, Angelina Jolie plans to run for Congress, and Hillary reveals that she likes Goldfish and hot sauce, we are told in what passes for political coverage.

“Ted Cruz Father Linked to JFK Assassination!” screams the National Enquirer’s typically ungrammatical cover, boasting a “world exclusive investigation.” Photos obtained by the Warren Commission purportedly depicting Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald distributing Communist-leaning pro-Castro pamphlets three months before he shot the president show the killer posed next to a man who for 52 years has remained unidentified by federal investigators - but who the Enquirer now claims is Ted Cruz’s father, Rafael Cruz. The magazine employed “a group of world-renowned experts in photography and facial recognition” to reach their verdict: “The man in the frame is indeed Rafael."

How positive are these experts? Not very. “There’s more similarity than dissimilarity,” says veteran photo analyst Mitch Goldstone, hardly giving the image a ringing endorsement. The Enquirer also wins the dubious imprimatur of “renown court-certified expert witness” Dr Carole Lieberman, who says: “The photos of Rafael Cruz all seem to match.” But wait a second - Dr Lieberman is an author and psychiatrist, not an expert witness in facial recognition or photo analysis. Chicago plastic surgeon Dr Otto Placik tells the Enquirer “The photos are difficult to decipher,” and that the man pictured alongside Oswald has "thinner lips, a weaker jaw and a more prominent brow” than Rafael. But the Enquirer doesn’t let that keep them from a good slur.

Michelle Obama is “out to kill off hated Hillary’s campaign!” alleges the Globe, claiming that the current First Lady is a Bernie Sanders supporter working secretly to undermine the former First Lady. Michelle has never forgiven Hillary for the bruising 2008 presidential campaign, the mag claims, and calls Clinton “Hillbilly Hill” behind her back. But how exactly is Michelle trying to torpedo Hillary? The Globe hasn’t quite figured out that part yet, floating the idea that she is “compiling a secret dossier of Hillary’s mistakes.” Oh, that’ll hurt. Michelle is also allegedly campaigning to turn Democratic powerbrokers against Clinton. I think the Globe won’t be satisfied with anything less than a mud-wrestling Michelle vs Hillary catfight on primetime TV.

The Globe takes a week off from screaming that Angelina Jolie is near death from an eating disorder, instead revealing her “ten-year scheme” to run for Congress. But as anyone who reads the tabloids knows, Jolie only has months left to live, so such long-term plans seem moot. But the Globe warns: “It may not be smooth sailing - George Clooney may also be considering a run.” Then we’ll have a Jolie vs Clooney electoral race that’s sure to garner some serious political coverage in the tabloids.

Us magazine’s indefatigable investigative team this week bring us their exclusive cover story about Hillary Clinton: “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me.”

Among the shockingly unexpected revelations: “I’ve been coloring my hair for years.” Hillary confesses that she can’t sing, likes hot chile peppers, loves the Beatles and Adele, chocolate and Goldfish snacks, and twice rejected Bill Clinton’s proposal before accepting. How Us mag was overlooked when the Pulitzer prizes were handed out this week is beyond me. This is the same crack reporting team that this week tells us that actress Jennifer Carpenter carries vegetable soup, toothpaste and lip balm in her leather Tumi rucksack, that Emma Roberts wore it best, and the stars are just like us: they get parking tickets, eat corn on the cob, go jogging, and shop at supermarkets.

People magazine anoints Jennifer Aniston as "The World’s Most Photoshopped Woman,” though through some inexplicable editing error the printed cover actually says “World’s Most Beautiful Woman.” But readers are left in no doubt that the wrinkle-free 47-year-old, with flawless baby-smooth glowing skin beaming from every photograph, is all natural. Her secret to looking good: yoga, spin classes, cardio, drinking hot lemon water, protein shakes, seared ahi tuna and imbibing water all day. For some reason she doesn’t mention good genes and great Photoshopping. With all those smoothies, lemon water and bottled smartwater, she must also boast a cast iron bladder.

Leave it to the National Examiner to bring us the week’s most important news: “Planet X will end life on Earth!” That’s a “top scientist’s chilling warning,” apparently, and you’d think that the world’s imminent destruction might merit front page coverage rather than being buried on page 42. Maybe they’re trying not to scare us. We’ve actually been hearing claims about this alleged planet, supposedly orbiting just beyond Pluto, for several decades. Despite the abject failure of scientists to actually find this celestial object with an estimated mass ten times that of the Earth, the Examiner assures us it’s out there, and about to fling deadly comets heading our way.

I, for one, will be glad if they hit Earth before we have to endure any more of this unending barrage of what passes as political coverage.

Onwards and downwards . . .]]>

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

All politics is showbusiness these days, so it’s no surprise that this week’s tabloids and celebrity magazines are knee-deep in matters of state, displaying their usual gifts for gravitas, balance and fairness.

Ted Cruz’s father is linked to JFK’s assassination, Michelle Obama is working to destroy Hillary Clinton, Angelina Jolie plans to run for Congress, and Hillary reveals that she likes Goldfish and hot sauce, we are told in what passes for political coverage.

“Ted Cruz Father Linked to JFK Assassination!” screams the National Enquirer’s typically ungrammatical cover, boasting a “world exclusive investigation.” Photos obtained by the Warren Commission purportedly depicting Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald distributing Communist-leaning pro-Castro pamphlets three months before he shot the president show the killer posed next to a man who for 52 years has remained unidentified by federal investigators - but who the Enquirer now claims is Ted Cruz’s father, Rafael Cruz. The magazine employed “a group of world-renowned experts in photography and facial recognition” to reach their verdict: “The man in the frame is indeed Rafael."

How positive are these experts? Not very. “There’s more similarity than dissimilarity,” says veteran photo analyst Mitch Goldstone, hardly giving the image a ringing endorsement. The Enquirer also wins the dubious imprimatur of “renown court-certified expert witness” Dr Carole Lieberman, who says: “The photos of Rafael Cruz all seem to match.” But wait a second - Dr Lieberman is an author and psychiatrist, not an expert witness in facial recognition or photo analysis. Chicago plastic surgeon Dr Otto Placik tells the Enquirer “The photos are difficult to decipher,” and that the man pictured alongside Oswald has "thinner lips, a weaker jaw and a more prominent brow” than Rafael. But the Enquirer doesn’t let that keep them from a good slur.

Michelle Obama is “out to kill off hated Hillary’s campaign!” alleges the Globe, claiming that the current First Lady is a Bernie Sanders supporter working secretly to undermine the former First Lady. Michelle has never forgiven Hillary for the bruising 2008 presidential campaign, the mag claims, and calls Clinton “Hillbilly Hill” behind her back. But how exactly is Michelle trying to torpedo Hillary? The Globe hasn’t quite figured out that part yet, floating the idea that she is “compiling a secret dossier of Hillary’s mistakes.” Oh, that’ll hurt. Michelle is also allegedly campaigning to turn Democratic powerbrokers against Clinton. I think the Globe won’t be satisfied with anything less than a mud-wrestling Michelle vs Hillary catfight on primetime TV.

The Globe takes a week off from screaming that Angelina Jolie is near death from an eating disorder, instead revealing her “ten-year scheme” to run for Congress. But as anyone who reads the tabloids knows, Jolie only has months left to live, so such long-term plans seem moot. But the Globe warns: “It may not be smooth sailing - George Clooney may also be considering a run.” Then we’ll have a Jolie vs Clooney electoral race that’s sure to garner some serious political coverage in the tabloids.

Us magazine’s indefatigable investigative team this week bring us their exclusive cover story about Hillary Clinton: “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me.”

Among the shockingly unexpected revelations: “I’ve been coloring my hair for years.” Hillary confesses that she can’t sing, likes hot chile peppers, loves the Beatles and Adele, chocolate and Goldfish snacks, and twice rejected Bill Clinton’s proposal before accepting. How Us mag was overlooked when the Pulitzer prizes were handed out this week is beyond me. This is the same crack reporting team that this week tells us that actress Jennifer Carpenter carries vegetable soup, toothpaste and lip balm in her leather Tumi rucksack, that Emma Roberts wore it best, and the stars are just like us: they get parking tickets, eat corn on the cob, go jogging, and shop at supermarkets.

People magazine anoints Jennifer Aniston as "The World’s Most Photoshopped Woman,” though through some inexplicable editing error the printed cover actually says “World’s Most Beautiful Woman.” But readers are left in no doubt that the wrinkle-free 47-year-old, with flawless baby-smooth glowing skin beaming from every photograph, is all natural. Her secret to looking good: yoga, spin classes, cardio, drinking hot lemon water, protein shakes, seared ahi tuna and imbibing water all day. For some reason she doesn’t mention good genes and great Photoshopping. With all those smoothies, lemon water and bottled smartwater, she must also boast a cast iron bladder.

Leave it to the National Examiner to bring us the week’s most important news: “Planet X will end life on Earth!” That’s a “top scientist’s chilling warning,” apparently, and you’d think that the world’s imminent destruction might merit front page coverage rather than being buried on page 42. Maybe they’re trying not to scare us. We’ve actually been hearing claims about this alleged planet, supposedly orbiting just beyond Pluto, for several decades. Despite the abject failure of scientists to actually find this celestial object with an estimated mass ten times that of the Earth, the Examiner assures us it’s out there, and about to fling deadly comets heading our way.

I, for one, will be glad if they hit Earth before we have to endure any more of this unending barrage of what passes as political coverage.