Thursday, December 3, 2015

In Case You Were Wondering: Things I Say to My Children

I promised you a series of blog posts designed to make you feel better about yourself. But like Ed McMahon with my giant Publisher's Clearing House check, I have not yet delivered. (Ed McMahon might actually be dead, though. Which gives him, at least, a valid excuse.)I have been feeling a little down about recent events going on across the world. And when I feel down, I like to publicly shame myself in hopes of making other people laugh. And letting them know that no matter how bad of a parent/partner/person they think they are...I can top them. I'm fairly confident in this assertation.(Plus I have a ton of studying to do. And I don't want to.)Sometimes I say things to my children that should not be said out loud. They should probably not even be thought in the first place. But, oh, I think them. And worse than that? Yeah, I actually say them. And then I jot them down somewhere for above mentioned purposes. On that list:* I'll give you a dollar if you go away. No? How about 5?* Mommy DOESN'T like to be TALKED TO AFTER 10:00!!! (In this instance it was PM. But I'm not gonna lie and say this doesn't also apply to AM most days.)* I'll roll your head up in the window if you don't stop singing that song.* You look like a hobo. I hope you don't think you're going anywhere with me.* If you pee on my toilet seat one more time, I will chop off the thing with which you pee.* Did you not brush your hair at all this morning or did you just get attacked by a flock of mad pigeons on your way home?* I will buy you anything you want if you don't make me take you to the store with me.* Oh. You don't like dinner? That's ok. I don't like you.* You smell a like an entire Olympic wrestling team. From Russia. (I know. There is nothing wrong with Russians.They probably smell the same as any other wrestling team. But I grew up during the Cold War, so...)* I find it hard to believe that something so stupid could come out of the mouth of someone who came out of my body. * Do your friends not make fun of you? They probably should.* If you wipe one more booger on my wall, I will cut off BOTH of your hands. And then keep them. And use them to pick MY nose with.And that's just a sampling. Yeah. I'm a monster. I know. I also consistently call them names they don't get like Dweebil Zappa and Alexander Dumas (cuz, ya know, Dumas.) In addition to the dork, the shrimp, the loud one, and the annoying one when I can't think of their names fast enough.They will either grow up to be strong and have a wonderful sense of humor. Or they will need therapy for the rest of their lives.Let's just say if one of them becomes famous, there will definitely be a memoir. I doubt it will flatter me.At least I don't beat them with wire hangers.