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Friday, June 26, 2015

Nine Ways To Light Up Your Man (Or Not) Guest Post By: Vikki Claflin

One of my favorite things to do during the summer when things slow down a bit, is to get caught up on my reading. I have stacks and stacks of books that I'm dying to read, and most are written by my fellow writer friends. There's something magical about getting cozy on the couch with a cup of coffee in one hand a good book in the other.

Another favorite pastime of mine is visiting my fellow writer's blog sites to see what they've been up to over the summer----the trips they're taking, new recipes they've tried, DIY home projects and of course, my favorite thing---HUMOR posts!

This summer while I'm getting caught up on my reading (and working on a special writing project…shhhh!), I'm going to invite a few of my favorite writers to pop on my site once or twice a month to share their awesomeness with you.

Today I am over the moon happy to have my sweet friend Vikki Clafin of Laugh Lines on my blog! I ADORE this woman---she's kind and generous and so damn FUNNY!! Vikki has the ability to pull me back up when the world brings me down; she dusts me off and convinces me to keep moving forward with my dreams by reminding me that the hard work will soon pay off. Seeing as we are both authors of humor books, Vikki and I share the same goals in life and are always here to lift one another up. It really is wonderful to share this journey with such a good friend!

I
was recently running a Google search for material on
another post, and up popped a dropdown selection of ways to spice
things up in ye’ ole marital bedroom.

Congenitally
incapable of not going where I shouldn’t, I clicked on a
few links. Three hours later, my cheeks hurt from laughing
out loud at the visuals in my head, as I imagined Hubs’ responses,
and I’d completely forgotten what I originally sat down to
research. But whatever it was, this was way
better.

I
decided to share some of the best suggestions with you because,
well, that’s the generous kind of person I am. Who knows? Maybe I
can save a marriage or two. What can’t be resolved
by a teenage style make-out session in the family
SUV? You’re welcome.

1.
Send
him on a “Love Hunt.”
Similar to a treasure hunt, but he must drive all over town, asking
storeowners if they’re hiding something for him from his wife.
Suggestions were the liquor store for his favorite beverage; the
florist for their limited-edition “You’re My Hot Stuff”
bouquet; and Safeway for a half-dozen “I Heart my Husband”
balloons.

Yeah,
no.

Hubs
hates
to run errands, and although I could probably sell
him on the liquor store, I’m reasonably
certain, after 15 years together, that flowers and balloons
wouldn’t get him where I wanted him to go.

2.
Sex
up the bathtub.
Light a couple dozen candles, draw a deep bubble bath, and pour the
champagne. Get into the tub and call him with, “Babe, can you bring
me a towel?” The theory is that he’ll take one look at you
lounging naked and bubbly in the tub, backlit by the soft glow
of the candlelight, and be diving in to join you before the
water cools.

The
one time I tried something similar (two candles, wine, and
no bubbles), Hubs dashed down the hall with a towel, tossed it
through the open bathroom door, with nary a glance, yelling
“Gonzaga is up by 12!!” as he ran back to the
living room to watch the game.

3.
Take
personal photos
of your man so everyone can see what a stud he is. Suggestions
included cowboy hat and boots, pajamas, briefs or boxers, and of
course, nekkid.

Just…Wow.

My brain
just can’t formulate an appropriate way to ask Hubs if I can
photograph him in his birthday suit, wearing nothing but a cowboy hat
and boots, so all my Facebook friends can see what a hunka-hunk I
married.

4.
Kidnap
him.
Walk in, unannounced, to his workplace, and hold a toy gun on him
while you handcuff his wrists, and take him away for “secret
interrogation.”

Oh.
My. God.

Any
visual of me walking onto Hubs’ job site and slapping
handcuffs on him while carting him away for an obvious
afternoon of motel room boogie ends with him being
totally mortified, while the scene is embellished and
replayed for weeks at every construction site in town. I’m not
sure that making your man the laughingstock of his industry for
the next year is the way to his…well, you know.

5.
Share
his favorite sport
by initiating sex with him on the football field, the soccer field,
or in the gym. Because nothing turns a man on like having his name in
the local paper for public nudity and indecency after getting
caught having sex in a public stadium by the high school
marching band. All 42 members.

6.
Give
him you as a present.
Cover yourself with sticky bows and let him take them off one by one.

Before
we get started, who puts the bows on any area I can’t reach? I
scrolled my speed dial list and couldn’t find a single
person I’d be comfortable calling to ask if they would come over
and slap red bows on my naked behind. As for Hubs peeling them
off? Possibly the world’s worst Brazilian.

7.
Send
him to work with a balloon bouquet.
Fill his car with balloons that have tiny “I love you”
notes inside, and leave a pin with a note that says he
has to pop all the balloons before he can get into his car.

Maybe
I’m getting old, but this would just piss me off. Trying to get
out the door to work and finding my car full of cutesy
teenage-appropriate balloons that I had to pop and then clean up
before I went to work would not be
foreplay.

8.
Take
a walk in the rain,
wearing nothing but your raincoat and rain boots.

Are
you high??

Walking
in the rain is one of those things that sounds more romantic than it
really is. And the mental image of me, standing in the
rain, shivering, with hair plastered to my head and water
running down my face, flashing Hubs in nothing but rubber
boots and 58-year-old boobs would pretty much guarantee never getting
laid again.

9.
Be
Jane and Tarzan.
Him in a loincloth and you in a leopard print bikini.
Feed him by hand from a bowl of nuts, fruits, and berries while
jungle drums play on your iPod.

Few
things leave me speechless.

This
might
have worked in my 20s. But Midlife Jane, still trying to
work the leopard thong, with body parts having migrated
visibly southward and butt jiggling in time to the jungle drums,
as I snuggle up to Hubs with a handful of berries,
is more likely to send him screaming for an eye wash
station.

At
this point, I decided that the best way to find out what would fire
Hubs up would be to ask
him.
“That’s easy,” he grinned, “Greet me at the door.
Naked. Holding a beer and a sandwich.”

Notwithstanding
the fact that, at 58, naked is not my best presentation, I can do
that. What the hell. As long as it doesn’t involve balloons.

BIO:

Vikki lives in Hood River, OR, where she writes the award-winning humor blog Laugh Lines, sharing the funny ups and down of midlife. She believes that laughter, a good glass of wine, andan econo-sized box of Milk Duds are the path to true zen. Vikki has been featured on the Michael J. Fox Foundation website, Erma Bombeck’s Writer’s Workshop, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Midlife Boulevard, Better After 50, and Funny Times Magazine. She also received a BlogHer14 “Voices of the Year” Humor award. Vikki recently released her new book Shake, Rattle and Roll With It: Living and Laughing with Parkinson’s, recently added to Amazon.com Editor's Favorite Books of 2014, which chronicles her hilarious, and sometimes poignant journey living with Parkinson’s disease. Her book is available at Amazon.com.

I, too, am a big fan of Vikki's writing. I can't imagine doing any of these. Thank G-d I'm not married, so I don't have to worry about it. Re: #8--I showed up once for a special someone in a fur coat and nothing else. Got a lot of laughs but no action.

So funny! I really don't think I'd go for any of these.... for very similar reasons:) Frankly, I haven't found it difficult to get my husband's attention and interest. Is this a big problem? I think a simple, "ok" does it.

Marcia... omg, that was hilarious... Vikki is a hoot. They are all good but that one about going to his work and kidnapping him... my new guy works in constuction too... he adores me but he would not be amused.... everyonw would be ribbing him for weeks... lol

Laughed all the way through! Just the pepper I needed this morning! And in every scenario, I kept picturing my rather santa-esque sweetheart. Hey. I've seen this guy in a speedo. It was enough to have our children call off Christmas. Can you imagine the ripple around the world if I photographed him in boots and a hat? Or me in a leopard-print bikini? I just thought of something - I could tuck the girls in. I'd only need the bottoms . . .

I can relate, I have internet Alzheimer's, I get lost on there for hours and don't remember what I was looking for in the first place. These are all hysterical but I love the picture in my head of entering Hubs' work with a toy gun. Yeah, I bet that would go over quite well in the conservative financial industry. NOT!

I was all ready to share this on Facebook - until I remembered my mother in law and her next door neighbor are both my FB friends, as is my son. Can you imagine? Total mortification. Loved this. I shred on Twitter, instead. Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com

OMG. Is this crazy. Most are illegal! Some are plain stupid. What if those pictures accidentally got posted! What if the neighbors saw you? This is toooo funny. I'm sending this to my 82 year old mom! She'll probably throw up!

Who does this stuff? This is crazy, but I love the humor you added to it. I wouldn't have liked to do any of this in my 20s let alone my 40s. I think we all could come up with better ideas to light up our men. Food would have to be involved to kindle a fire with my man. LOL! Great post.

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Menopausal Mother

Musings on the good, the bad, and the ugly side of midlife mayhem. If you bring me wine and a large jar of Nutella, I'll be your best friend. This is rogue humor at its finest. Welcome to the nuthouse!