Relationship Connection: How do I best help my depressed neighbor?

I have a neighbor who is a young man in his early 20s. He lives with his mother and siblings. His father isn’t a part of his life and, as a result, his mother is overwhelmed trying to meet everyone’s needs.

It seems like this young man has fallen in between the cracks. He doesn’t work, doesn’t go to school, and appears to have no future.

I’ve visited with him over the past few years and tried to be a support to him. Our visits seem to go well and he tells me he appreciates the time I spend with him. I worry I might be enabling him to stay stuck in his life by not challenging him.

When loved ones try to push him, he pushes back the other way. I hate to see him so stuck. I want to challenge him to move forward in his life, but I also realize I’m probably the only man he has in his life that has taken an interest in supporting him. I don’t want to make things worse for him.

Any advice you have would be appreciated.

Answer

This neighbor family is fortunate to have you on their side. Your sensitivity to the needs of this young man coupled with your commitment to be there for him is a powerful combination. I have no doubt that whatever you decide to do with him will be helpful because your motivation is out of love.

When people close to us become stuck in their forward progress, it ignites a range of emotions. Sometimes we feel fear for their future. Other times, we might feel worried that we aren’t doing enough. Regardless of the emotional reaction we may have, I think it’s safe to say that this is an uncomfortable situation for most people who genuinely want to help.

However, I want you to continue doing what you’re doing. I believe your role isn’t to fix this young man and rehabilitate him. While there may be moments where you can give him guidance, advice and challenges, you are in a fortunate position of building trust with him.

No doubt this young man is stalled out and could use some direction. However, no amount of pressure, threats, bargains or deals will help him discover his purpose. My friend, Dr. Wally Goddard, once told me that he believes people don’t change until we accept them where they are. This doesn’t mean that we don’t encourage them to move somewhere different. However, it’s human nature to resist someone’s attempts to change us.

As the neighbor and friend, you can focus building trust with him, which might allow him to reveal more about why he’s so stuck. My prediction is that these visits will produce the insight, courage and strength for him to take risks and move forward. I love this wise observation from Henri Nouwen:

To listen is very hard, because it asks of us so much interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept.

Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond. Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings.

The beauty of listening is that, those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their own true selves.

Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends, to get to know their inner selves more fully, and even to dare to be silent with you.

This young man doesn’t need a lecture. He needs a listener. You’re not raising him. He’s lost and needs to find his own way with the caring support and presence of a more experienced neighbor – you. Don’t underestimate the value of what you’re providing him. Don’t become impatient and force a directive or ultimatum that would disconnect him from your loving support.

Since you’re not providing his living conditions, you don’t have the pressure to have him be more independent right away. That is between him and his family. If they kick him out because he’s not contributing or improving his life, it’s still not your responsibility to provide for him. You are in a unique position as a neighbor to offer a special kind of support that isn’t tied to any specific outcome.

This won’t be the only challenge this young man faces. You are positioning yourself to offer him a lifetime of mentorship and support. As you listen, ask good questions, invite, and show genuine interest in this young man’s future, he will learn more about himself and develop the courage to create forward movement.

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are solely his and not those of St. George News.

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About the Author

Geoff Steurer is the co-author of "Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity" and is the founding director of LifeSTAR of St. George, a three phase treatment program for individuals and couples healing from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, UT. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. He also specializes in working with individuals and couples dealing with any form of sexual betrayal. He has been married to his wife, Jody, since 1996 and they are the parents of four children. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.
The opinions stated in this article are Steurer's own and may not be representative of St. George News.

4 Comments

Here in Utah, the doctors could fix him right up! A well balanced diet of anti depressants, anti anxiety pills, sleeping pills and pain killerrs. His life will really take off from there…….ALL BETTER!!!!!!!!

I hope this isn’t one of those mormon schemes to try and bag another convert. I’ve had a few like that over the years. They’re real nice and friendly until they realize you aint ever gonna come attend their cult, er uhm church. After that they basically fall off the face of the earth. Seems like they make a project out of someone and always with some sort of underhanded motive. I guess the more converts a person bags the higher he gets up into the celestial pyramid scheme.
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and it aint just utah doing the doping. that’s the norm with mental health
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and if someone is an actual friend, refer to them as a friend and not just a neighbor…

I’m a semi-inactive Mormon, the view you have of Mormons is one I used to have. But the truth is they don’t drop you as a friend because you don’t join the church it’s because you simply don’t have anything in common with them because most of thair lives are occupied by the church. There are a few Mormons that are normal but you will not recognize them because they don’t think it’s important to let you that they are a Mormon.