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May is masturbation month and I did some research for a dating site called Adult Match Maker to help us understand what it’s all about. Where do we do it? who do we do it with? and what are the major differences between masturbation for men and women?

We instinctively know some of the answers to these questions, men do it more frequently (see below) and women use vibrators (80% compared with 20% of men) but let’s have a deeper look at some of our habits and desires when it comes to sex with ourselves.

What are those statistics telling us? In general women are less likely to masturbate than men but they are more likely to masturbate once a week than men. Why?

Personally I don’t think it has anything to do with desire I think it’s about where we are comfortable masturbating, or even the fact that most women use a vibrator and even the little ones are noisy.

The statistics show no significant differences when it comes to masturbating in private; with a partner (women 79%, men 76%), a friend (women 34%, men 27%) or with someone on the internet (women 49%, men 47%) . But when things become a little less private it seems men are more adventurous than women with 38% of men saying they masturbate at work compared to only 25% of women.

I think men are more likely to take the risk that others might know they popped out for a quick wank because men’s sexuality is more socially acceptable than women’s, made so through myths that men have higher sex drives and irresistible needs. Women on the other hand historically have occupied the moral high ground when it comes to sex. We’re supposed to be more in control of our urges and in the past if we strayed from the path and heaven forbid got pregnant we became fallen women, socially marginalised and financially compromised. Today we know this is no longer the case but the myth prevails.

So girls and boys what are we going to do to make sure that women get to catch up on the masturbations stats. I’d suggest some me time, some do not disturb I am having a wank time, it’s defiantly time women came out of the closet. A quick flick of the bean is revitalising, lifts your spirits and puts a smile on your face. Yay for May, celebration month.

It’s not so different to finding the g-spot on a woman in some ways. In and up towards the belly. A bit further in than the g-spot around the second knuckle for me but I have long fingers. You’re looking for something quite firm, about the consistency of a medium steak.

How do women incorporate P-spot pleasuring into sex play?

Women can insert fingers or sex toys in the anus. However there is another way. In Norwegian and Afrikaans Tjommie (“chômmy”) means best friend. It’s also slang for the perineum. I think that’s kind of interesting because becoming intimate with the perineum is one way to extend and enhance sexual pleasure. It’s non-confrontational way to have fun with the p-spot . There’s a little indentation you can learn to play with and if you do it right you can multiply, extend, delay and generally play with a man’s sexual pleasures. Be aware that it is possible to press too hard.

Are there sex toys specifically designed for the P-spot?

There are heaps of sex toys available for the p-spot. Personally I think it’s important to go and have a look and a feel if possible. Invest some time and money and get it right. There are a lot of novelty toys out there that don’t quite do the job. For first timers I suggest something small and silicon. Go to a good girl friendly store like Max Black in Sydney or D’Vice in Melbourne or New Zealand and talk to the girls in store. You can also ask someone who knows about p-spots to take you to a sex shop.

What role does sexual identity play in the P-spot?

The prostate is easily accessible through the rectum so straight away people think of gay men.But gay men don’t have anal sex because they are gay. There isn’t a switch in gay men’s bottoms, They have anal sex because it feels good. Unfortunately this has limited many “straight” men’s sexual pleasure. I just did some research for a dating site called AdultMatchMaker.com.au. 7631 answered the survey and 25% of respondents said they were bisexual and another 5% weren’t sure of their current sexual orientation. That’s a long way from the one and two percent census estimates for gay and bisexual people. I think Robbie Williams is right, Everybody Swings Both Ways” or at least the sex interested segment of the population is highly likely to.

There are many issues surrounding the P-spot so how do straight couples overcome them?

First let’s take a look at the gay myth. The prostate is easily accessible through the rectum and because culturally we associate gay men with anal sex anal sex must be gay. So anal sex is gay! Even though we know this is logically untrue. All gay men don’t like anal sex. Some women like anal sex and anal sex can be a fetish or a fantasy that makes people feel turned on but they never actually want to do it. So the gay taboo is based on a myth.

Another issue people have with anal play is the potential for mess. Nothing enema’s and latex gloves can’t fix. When you go exploring don’t forget the lube!

Last year I did some research for Adult Match Maker and this is what we found…

Adult Match Maker, Australia’s largest adult dating site, is pleased to announce the results of its inaugural sex survey.

The results of a recent large-scale survey of Australian’s sexual habits and orientations have revealed that we are not as straight as we might think we are.

Over 7600 people completed the AMM survey. Twenty five per cent of the respondents identified as bi-sexual, 0.4% of women identified as lesbian, 1.6% of men identified as gay, and a further 5% said they are unsure about their current sexual orientation.

The lesbian and gay figures are in line with Australian population estimates however, the percentage that identify as bi-sexual or unsure far exceeds previous estimates. Australian research undertaken in 2002 (La Trobe University) and 2008 (Victorian Government) estimates the bisexual population at less the 2%.

The research also revealed that kinky sex is a popular fantasy with 60% of respondents including it as a fantasy and post Fifty Shades of Grey, it’s hardly surprising that BDSM is popular, with 30% of respondents including it in their list of sexual fantasies.

For heterosexual men looking for sexual partners there may be more competition than ever before. Thirty six per cent of women identified as bi-sexual and the heterosexual women who took part in the survey are 50% more likely than men to fantasize about women and 50% more likely to act on their fantasies.

Men have a wider range of sexual fantasies scoring higher in all categories and are more likely to be drawn to hardcore activities such as golden showers and porn. Women on the other hand are more likely to fantasize about sex toys, tantric sex and their partners. Thirty per cent of both women and men like the idea of strap-on sex.

According to Dr Mars, “Australians are more sexually curious and sexually adventurous than ever before”.

AdultMatchMaker.com.au is Australia’s largest online adult dating site with singles & couples registered! They teamed up with Dr Mars to create this survey because they wanted to peek under the covers of the average Aussie and find out what made their toes tingle.

Dr Michelle Mars is a health researcher and sexologist. She believes we need to be more light-hearted and pleasure focused in our sexual thinking. When we seriously consider sex we tend to think about health and disease rather than considering the links between sex health, mindfulness and quality of life. It’s time we started exploring and understanding our sexuality and the ways it can help us to live happier healthier lives.

What does it mean if you are transgender and you exist somewhere between girl and boy, equally as comfortable in both modes but never fully one or the other?

From a trans politics perspective it’s a bit tricky but history gives us a few clues about where trans politics is at right now. Identity politics through history, whether it be feminist, disability, sexuality or ethnicity has tended to follow a similar pathway. 70’s feminism brought with it the idea that hairy legs and underarms are okay and that women could be just as powerful as men. Not bad politics at the time but what ended up happening was a hierarchy of oppression. Each oppression got you higher up the ladder of authenicity. At an early 80’s feminist conference workshop an exercise was undertaken. You got a chocolate biscuit for each oppression you experienced. She with the largest pile of chocolate biscuits, for example the low income, disabled, lesbian, in an interracial partnership… won.

What would those conference participants have made of transgendered people? Would they have been welcomed to the oppressed, therefore good, end of the hierarchy or would they, like the middle class conference delegates, have been pushed way down the bad end? Who knows, trans politics wasn’t out there yet, but I suspect back in those days, with all the vagina in the mirror gazing, the lack of a biological vjj might have been a problem. If transgendered girls had been allowed to come to the conference at all (and in many cases they still are not) they would have been dowb the bad end of the continuim.

In the transsexual community, it seems to me, passing as a genetic girl is the privileged position. I understand this. Doing another gender and passing one way or another is time consuming, emotionally challenging and not an easy thing to achieve. But what about all those people who will never pass? Simple things like going to the gender segregated toilets can become a massive issue. No wonder passing as a woman is so important.

Personally I think that it’s time for a more trans-cool politics, more gender play, gender bending and talking to each other. The LBGTI rainbow needs to keep on growing and changing we need to keep questioning and moving on.

Gender play is more than how you look, my girlfriends can go totally fem without even lifting a mascara wand or a shaver sometimes. I think it’s time some of those old hierarchies and binaries were laid to rest.

What do you think? Is there more to doing girl than looking like a genetic girl? Is there more to being a girl than walking the walk, talking the talk and wearing make up?

Dr Michelle Mars is a sexologist living in Sydney. You can contact her on +61 4000 82 936 or info@drmichellemars.com consults (ladies high tea in the dungeon) $120

I have last night! We did a group massage thing. Seven of us, 2 massage tables and oceans of bliss. The thing I am really enjoying is that the bliss is still with me today to the point that I am writing the post, the first time I’ve blogged for months.

Sexual experience is so intimately connected to our sensuality but I think that in a busy world, where lives are moving fast, we often lose sight of our bodies aside from a quick bonk when the time is right (and its Business Time) . Sometimes it can be hard to let boundaries go and explore, it’s just not a big part of ‘western’ culture. In fact we’re culturally programmed to be suspicious of sensuality. When I was first invited to a group massage experience I was vaguely creeped out! Was this going to be some kind of weird cult-ish experience? So it was with a sense of mild curiosity and the hope that I wouldn’t scream ‘get your hands off me’ and stomp off that I entered the room.

I didn’t freak out and the first experience was interesting in a weird kind of way. I walked into a room of about 20 people I didn’t know, candles glowing, heaters blowing, it was warm and friendly right from the start. People of different ages, sizes and shapes all together in one room with the purpose of getting naked and massaging eachother. We sat around and introduced ourselves and talked about what the group was: a few people getting together once a month to practice sensual (not sexual) massage. People said what they wanted and the rules where agreed upon. Sensual rather than hard massage strokes, ‘my breasts are part of my body but I don’t want to be sexually stimulated’, ‘if you get a hard on it’s not a problem’,’ if you brush sexual organs inadvertently just carry on’, and so on. We had about 20 minute sessions each. 3 people got on massage tables and the rest of us took turns massaging them. After about the second person when I had relaxed I got into this really cool head space. It was one of those moments when I felt like I learned something but not in words so putting it in words is also difficult. But there is something about several people giving you their energy and about you working with a few people to give someone else a blissful experience that feels good for the soul. I slept like a baby that night.

I slept like a baby again last night and had amazing sex this morning and I’ve been blissed all day since. In my experience of being part of the other group it just gets better as the energy builds, the expectations come into line and everyone gets comfortable. I’m looking forward to more of the same.

Has anyone else had interesting sensual experiences?

Dr Michelle Mars is a free lance sexologist living in Sydney. She can be contacted on +614000 82936or info@drmichellemars.com