Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Snowball Effect

Ugh it’s that time of year again. The weather is getting
colder, the snow is falling, and all of the hot girls are going snowboarding.
When did this happen? And why wasn’t I warned when I was younger that the best
way to impress a girl was knowing how to carve it up on the slopes? (Is that
even a saying? “Carve it up.” See, this is the shit I need to know!) Here I am just trying to keep a job, stay in shape and not get an STD, but I have no idea
how to skid down a snowy hill on a wheel-less skateboard, so I am stuck, feeling really left out.

"I'm getting laid tonight, bra."

I have only been to the snow once. I don’t mix well with nature. One time in
college I went “camping” and I ended up sleeping in the car eating Arby’s.
(Note to future campers: When there’s no bathroom around, do not eat Arby’s.) My trip to the snow was so long ago that
snowboarding wasn’t even invented yet. All we did was ski, which nowadays is
considered lame. It’s the “missionary position” of snow sports—everyone does it when they're first starting out and when they do it now odds are they’re not impressing anybody.

And don’t get me started on hiking. I’ve been on record as
saying, “The only people who like hiking are girls (and guys who want to sleep
with girls who like hiking).” Why would a guy want to walk through a dirt trail
up a hill in the heat? How is that fun? It can’t be for the workout because if that were the case the guy would
just rather play sports or go to the gym. I can only assume they just want to update
their Foursquare to say “Runyon Canyon” so girls will quiver, “OMG, according to US
Weekly Justin Timberlake was there last Thursday!”"

She left him for a guy who snowboards.

The same reason I don't snowboard now is the same reason I never got into video games. I never had a system other than Nintendo
NES, so while everyone else was conquering Sega or Nintendo 64, I was still
running through the sewers trying to save that ungrateful princess. Sure I
could have gotten one of the better systems to try and improve, but at some
point it was just too late. I would never be as good as my friends who had been
playing them for years. Same logic applies to snowboarding. I don’t want to
come back to the cabin and listen to everyone else reminisce about their
awesome day on the mountain while I can only brag, “I made it down the hill
without falling. Once.”

Thankfully, I am finally realizing this is a completely demented way to
look at life and I should step out of my comfort zone and just go for it. At
the very best I pick up the skill quickly and have an amazing time and at the
very worst I die. That's a risk I'm prepared to take. This
season is finally going to be the year I try snowboarding. It’s time to break
out of the bubble. It’s time to lose the safety net. I don’t want to be that
guy eating Arby’s in the car. I don’t want to be that guy playing Mario Bros. while everyone else is
sniping each other on GoldenEye. It’s
a new and improved Todd. Willing to take chances and try new things. Just don’t
expect to see me at Runyon Canyon with JT.

Snowboarding is tons of fun. I pretty much ate shit about every 2 minutes and I looked like a human snowball going down the slopes. But other than being sore for a couple of days and someone running into my back with their snowboard, I had a blast! Its a great place to take a girl =)