Bacon is moving to New Zealand.
I told her she needs to move her little self into one of them hobbit houses.
I would kill for a big round door.

So two nights ago, I am sitting here, space mining, watching TV, and my channels started changing super fast – like by 20 channels in 2 seconds. Odd. I tried to change it back, but my remote was dead. So I open the controller to change the batteries…

Upon checking the battery compartment, I discover a clear, odorless liquid.

At this point I would like everyone to know that, yes, indeed, I am stupid enough to lick something in order to identify it.

I placed my finger in it, and then licked it.

OUCH! BURN!! PAIN!!! FUCK!!!!

Battery acid. I have now tasted battery acid for the 4th time in my life. Don’t ask me why I didn’t learn my lesson after the first.

So I think GREAT, my remote is dead, now I need to buy a new one…

But wait, there’s more.

I decide to MacGyver this thing.

You heard me.

So I unscrew the thing, open it, and take it to the bathroom, after peeling the rubber keypad off the circuit board, I washed it and the case in hot water, and use saline Contact solution on a Kleenex to wipe away the bit of crud (Ie dead skin flakes + battery acid + God only knows what else [Not a word, Bacon]), I dried everything well and put it back together, and then installed new batteries.

Then it happened.
I had felt what King Leonidas felt after he and his men had beat back the Persians time and time again…
What Georgie felt when he lied to America over his National Guard service, and WMD’s in Iraq…
What Stephen Colbert felt when Ben & Jerry’s made that amazing fucking flavor of Ice Cream in his honor…

Around 3am Monday morning, I signed on to Xbox Live to play some COD4 — Hey, its the best time to play – no 12-year-old douchebags on — Anyway, I did my usual pregame scroll through the menus, looking for the week’s deal, news, and updates when I saw the latest Game With Fame message.

The moment I saw it, I burst out laughing.

Why? Because the game was Halo 3, and the fame was Asher Roth.

Let me give you some info here. As a gamer – an Xbox gamer – who is NOT a Halo whore, I can tell you that Halo’s Multiplayer is geared toward the severely retarded crowd. SURE, co-op is fun as hell, but adversarial is… Well… Stupid.

You see, in gaming, one who jumps repeatedly to dodge bullets is known as a Halo-Jumper — though I prefer bunnyhopper, because bunnies, like these people, are lame and gay. This is a problem that plagues Halo 3.

This doesn’t happen on occasion, people repeatedly hop to their destination to avoid being shot… add this to Halo 3’s shitty hit detection and inaccurate weaponry, and you’ve got a stupid and gay clusterfuck of epic fail.

Often, the shooter will shoot at where he thinks a person will run to, only to miss because the bunnyhopper… bunnyhopped, while shooting back at the… shooter. The bunnyhopper will claim that the person shooting at them lacks skill because they missed, and that he has skill, because… well, he can aim while jumping. Often this bunnyhopper is between 9 and 12 years old, and will proceed to teabag your corpse while bragging about banging your mother – Clearly the actions of a mentally-deficient homosexual.

Now, take Halo 3, add Asher Roth, and you get an even retardeder, yes, I said retardeder gaming experience. This guy sucks, and his music sucks – It sucks worse than 50 Cent has ever, or could ever, suck. Plus he reminds me of Michael Cera — Whom is also stupid and gay.

So I was surfing about random wordpress blogs, and I found this one. It doesn’t look like it’s been used in a while, but I ran across a post, and it inspired me to post something near and dear to me.

My “Approved List” – the list of celebrity women that you get to do, if you get the chance, and your wife or girlfriend can’t be mad about it because they were on the list (we all know they have a list of celebrity dudes they would do anyway).

Here’s mine —

Five:Christina Aguilera

Miss Aguilera gets her place on my list for the times when I am in an extra-dirty mood. You know, that bend you over a desk and fuck you silly while you sport your assless chaps mood.

Four:Morena Baccarin

Morena is on this list just cause… Dear lord was she ever hot as a super-evil, nearly-god-like bitch in Stargate: SG-1. I like girls with a bit of attitude.

Three:Olivia Munn

Hot, Asian, Gamer. She makes a gold bikini look a lot better than whatsherface from Star Wars ever did, and there’s a video of her jumping into a giant pool of chocolate pudding, dressed as a french maid. It makes nice in the pants.

Two:Gianna Jun

If I weren’t so busy drooling, I would give you a better explanation, but GOD BLESS KOREA will have to do.

One:Diane Lane

Miss Lane has been at the top of my list for a number of years now. I would sell my soul for one night with her, and even then, I’d probably be content with just sitting across the room and looking at her. Soooooooo pretty… want want want.

Bacon and I had this talk once, years ago, but I figured I would share with the NON-Bacon crowd. I find the man ridiculous. Not for his mullet – though I could go on about that – but because of his pre and post hunt personas.

Pre hunt he’s all “Let’s go get this motherfucker, lets go get this drug-dealing, wife beating waste of skin. Oh I wanna get this motherfucker bad! Beth, let’s get this fucker! FREEZE MOTHERFUCKER DON’T YOU MOVE! ON THE GROUND NOW FUCKER!”

… THEN the minute he gets them in the car …

He puts on that Dog’s-about-to-cry-while-he-solves-your-problems face and goes all High School Guidance Counselor on the individual, whom just moments ago was referred to as the MOTHERFUCKER. “What did you want to be when you were a kid, Bobby? You got kids, you gotta clean your act up and be a role model. You’re gonna die, brother, if you don’t walk through the door your family is offering you. Dog’s here to help. Dog will support you, you got friends here, brother. We can help you turn your life around. Don’t you wanna be a better daddy for your kids? Come on, step on this crack pipe. Stomp it good and let’s start over together, brah.”

Just… UGH. Goddamnit, Dog. Pick one, Dog. Be a prepper-spray-gun-toting badass, or be a social worker. Sheesh.