Matt Ryan: Oh, hey there Matt Ryan From An Alternate Universe Where Matt Ryan Has Won All The Big Games.

Elite Matt Ryan: How goes it, Choker Matt Ryan?

Matt Ryan: No, I’m regular Matt Ryan.

Elite Matt Ryan: Every version of Matt Ryan thinks it’s the regular Matt Ryan. I used to think I was the regular Matt Ryan. But then I discovered there are an infinite number of universes and each contains a different Matt Ryan, no one more regular than any other. I’m just the version of Matt Ryan who has won all the big games in his career.

Matt Ryan: You just think you know everything because you’ve won all the big games.

Elite Matt Ryan: I will say it does help. In my universe, I can do no wrong because I’ve won all the playoff games. For example, when I yell “GET THE F*CK OFF OUR FIELD!” to the Carolina Panthers, people are cool with it because I’m a winner and whatever I do is what winners do.

Matt Ryan: People think I’m a jerk for doing that stuff!

Elite Matt Ryan: That’s because you’re the version of Matt Ryan who doesn’t win big games.

Matt Ryan: That’s not fair!

Elite Matt Ryan: I don’t know what to tell you. I didn’t design the multiverse. Take it up with the version of Matt Ryan who designed the multiverse.

Matt Ryan: A lot of quarterbacks were labeled chokers before they eventually won the big one. Like John Elway and Peyton Manning. Even Tony Romo eventually won a playoff game. Why can’t that be the same for me?

Elite Matt Ryan: It could be. Maybe you’re the Matt Ryan who undergoes early career postseason struggles only to finally put it together and win a bunch of rings.

Matt Ryan: Like a reverse Tom Brady?

Elite Matt Ryan: Brady? That bum?

Matt Ryan: You mean Tom Brady sucks in your universe?

Elite Matt Ryan: He was horrible. He got drafted with the first pick in the 2000 draft by the Browns. Total flameout. Out of the league within a few years. Now he spends all his time on ESPN debating who is the best quarterback of all-time, me or Trent Dilfer.

Matt Ryan: Your universe is both strange and beautiful to me.

Elite Matt Ryan: It’s working out all right by me, too.

Matt Ryan: You seem to know so much. Am I the Matt Ryan who finally gets it together or am I doomed to lose all the big games ever? What’s the point of trying if I’m always going to lose?

Elite Matt Ryan: Look, I don’t have all the answers. I’m just as smart as you are. The only difference between us is that I win when it counts so people trust me a lot more. I’m probably just as skilled as you are. Just go out there and play as well as you. You might win and you might not. There’s only so much you can control.

Matt Ryan: That still seems like a shitty deal.

Elite Matt Ryan: It probably is. But either way, at least you’re doing better than drug addict Matt Ryan, who incidentally is also called Matty Ice.

Everyone likes Ray Lewis because he’s a jerk atheist who has never even talked to a cop before, Drew Brees’ birthmark was actually lipstick that was brushed off by Oprah (a homeless beggar), Mark Sanchez’ real name is Pedro, and Joe McKnight just ran for 2,206 yards this last year.

And guy named Hannukah Monkey is a wedding features writer for the paper-based New Amsterdam Tribune, as the internet is slowly being phased out for a new, daily paper-based news source called “print media.”

Peter King is a decisive internet-based political writer whose columns, using on-point, relevant and topical cultural references offer concise, practical and informed solutions to real-world problems.

In the decades that followed, Elite Matt Ryan searched countless realities, and met thousands of different Matt Ryans, however he never met a Matt Ryan as deeply sad and worthless as the one he’d met in our universe …His impossible search continues

Bob Kraft gives full GM control to Bill Parcells, who drafts Ray Lewis instead of Terry Glenn, giving the 1996 New England Patriots ORoY with Curtis Martin, DPoY with Ray Ray, and their first of 6 Super Bowl wins, starting with Brett Favre.

In Elite Matt Ryan’s universe, Tim Tebow is the heir-apparent to Glenn Danzig in the rock/punk scene, Skip Bayless has own numerous awards including a Nobel Prize in his work in advancing biomedical engineering, and Jason Garrett dropped out of community college and now is the assistant night manager at a Hardee’s in Newark.