Friday, January 19, 2018

You watching football? Your guys winning? Good. ‘Cuz I know how y’all love winning… Hate to complain, but last time you “won” turned out to be a bit of a disaster — pretty much a year-long nightmare of chaos and Nazis and treason and stuff. Turns out the loudmouth racist asshole you elected didn’t make such a great president. He didn’t just set the country back - he aged us all something like five or ten goddam years. But hey, at least you got to drink up those sweet sweet liberal tears, right? Now I know it’s supposed to be some kind of “new normal” but there’s still some basic rules, y’know? We still have a social contract and if we don’t stick to it things fall apart. Like when you say something stupid and I make a snide remark and then you get back at me by electing the worst person in the whole wide world to be President.

And then you go back to watching football so you can be “winning” again while us loser snowflakes who actually give a damn about what happens between elections have to deal with the guy you made President just to annoy us. So we’re the ones listening to him lying his ass off and ranting crazy shit about fake news and deep states. Or tweets out weird and paranoid lies about being a victim or pompous blowhard asshole lies about being a hero. Oh yeah - He called Africa a “shithole” the other day. Insulted the whole continent… We’re thinking that’s some kind of record. I know you don’t care about international relations - unless it’s a war, so you can “kick ass” and do more of that winning - but in just one year he’s managed to alienate something like half our allies, practically gut the State Department and severely damage NATO…These things are essential to the survival of our country and it’s vitally important you take them seriously, like when my guy wore a tan suit or had dijon mustard.

For us, social progress is both a moral and creative imperative driven by our need to fulfill both our social obligations as well as our creative potential. In other words, it’s our magical snowflake powers that make us social justice warriors. Even though you may not appreciate our efforts, or even see the need for change, you depend on us to keep doing it: if people like me didn’t make things, people like you would have nothing to attack, and without any threat of change your identity as a “conservative” would be meaningless. This identity through opposition is the very soul of our contract, and through it certain cultural expectations have evolved, some being crucial to the function of our society, specifically that people like you go apeshit about sex stuff!

It doesn’t matter who it is, when a politician is caught dead to rights paying hush money to a porn star followed by another porn star saying he was trying to cop a threesome… it’s your goddam duty as Conservative Americans to lose your shit over it. We spent three goddam years listening to you assholes drone on about Clinton getting a blowjob, and if you think we’re gonna just let you ignore your moth-eaten lothario getting spanked with a Forbes by a pornstar watching shark week you’re even more batshit crazy than we thought. Which believe me is saying something.

Now I just finished telling you how far down this guy’s flushed our country into the toilet. If you’re gonna let him slide on all that and then sit on your hands for the porno stuff too, then you’re moving into brand new territory, and it ain’t covered in the terms of our contract. Having a leader who can do no wrong is just fascist shit, pure and simple. If you want to exchange our limp-wrested little Democracy for the tiny-handed grip of fascism under Donald J. Trump, go right on ahead. Under the benevolence, wisdom, quiet strength and Christlike humility of Ol Bonespurs McPussygrabber, how could you possibly fail? But you’ll do your marching under his banner because you can all go fuck yourselves if you think you’re taking our flag.