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Relationships with abusive youth?

2014

Hello,

My name is Katie and I am in my second year
of Child and Youth Care Counselling at Mount Royal University. I have
been doing a practicum at a residential treatment program since the
beginning of September, and I was wondering if anyone would be willing
to answer a question I had about relationships with the youth.

There is one youth at my practicum in
particular who has been at the program previously for a 9 month period,
and his behaviours and mental health had deteriorated by the time he
left. He was recently placed back into the program, and the staff were
visibly uncomfortable with this - stating that they did not want to
experience the emotional abuse that they had to endure from this youth
while he was previously here.

Their comments and warnings about working
with this particular youth have caused me to become almost cold and
distant while interacting with this youth, and I catch myself feeling
guilty about how neutral I am.

I was wondering if anyone had similar
experiences working with a youth who causes you to put your "guard" up,
and if there was any advice you could give about how to build a
relationship with youth who make it difficult to get close?

Thank you.
Katie
...

While it will not be uncommon to engage with
"repeaters," staff who are professionals must be prepared to present
themselves as unconditionally positive and enthusiastically engaged.
Staff who become toxic, especially as a toxic influence to other staff,
should be reported to management, as they are detrimental to both the
well-being of the child/youth and the morale of staff. Don't try to
figure those kind of staff members out....help weed them out of the
system!

Scott
...

Hi Katie,

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we have
chosen to work with individuals who have difficult behaviours as a
result of mental health issues, substance misuse, trauma etc. Therefore
we should expect the difficult behaviour and cannot label it "abuse".
Changing the way you view the behaviour might be a good starting point
for changing the way you currently feel about this young man. Also
difficult behaviours can be scary so we need to do all we can to help us
feel confident and in control of our fear, for example: make sure we
have training in Non Violent Physical Crisis Intervention, educate
ourselves about pertinent mental health issues etc, use a team approach,
self-care ... Changing how we think about the behaviour and feeling
prepared to deal with it is key to developing relationships with those
in our care. Remember this young man is communicating needs through his
behaviour. Focus on trying to figure out what those needs are and on
helping him to meet those needs in more productive ways. This can only
be done through relationship. So I would encourage you to take a risk,
put yourself out there and build a relationship with this young man, who
sounds like he really needs someone to care about him.

Good luck,
Kim Nicolaou
...

Hi Katie,

A significant part of working with traumatized
children is understanding that their traumatic past has them stuck in a
physiological state of fight/flight, in which the child often presents
as violent or abusive, but this generally is more reflective of the
child's perceptions of their own personal safety. We have to remember
that they come from a place of hurt, isolation and rejection and our
number one goal should be to provide the most safe and nurturing
environment possible.

In regard to safety, Steele, W. and Malchiodi, C.
(2012) in Trauma-informed practices with children and adolescents
(New York: Routledge) say there are four questions practitioners must
routinely ask.

1. How do we determine who the child believes is a
safe person?
2. How do we as practitioners, yet strangers to the child, present
ourselves as safe?
3. What defines a safe intervention?
4. How do we create an emotionally safe environment for traumatized
children?

Honestly, I hate to answer a question with more
questions.. but if you examine the situation critically, using those
four questions as a base for critical analysis you may end up with a
better understanding of this child's needs and how to better support him
in this program.

Good luck,
Catlin Thorn
...

Katie,

It does seem strange that the young person was
placed back into a program that didn't seem to work for him. And the
perspectives of the team as you describe will certainly add to the
challenge.

One thing that helps is to consider that the
defenses and difficulty this person has in connecting with others are
there for a reason. Perhaps from past experiences, not feeling
physically or emotionally safe, or simply an attempt to find out how
much he can trust those around him.

Those who are the most difficult to connect with are
often the ones who need human connections the most.
Be genuinely curious about him and his needs, finding ways to help him
meet those in more productive and satisfying ways. Focus on the moments
you have with him and how they relate to his future rather than his
past.
He's there for a reason and so are you - and perhaps part of that is so
that you can be a model for the team in helping him experience a fresh
start.

James Freeman
California USA
...

Hello Katie,

I have to second what Cat has written.

Always keep in mind that these troubled youth
demonstrate many pain based behaviours and remember that trust is built
over time, but that you can also do immediate small things like asking
this youth how his/her day has been and consistently giving this youth a
smile to convey safety. Also, as someone new to the field of child and
youth work, make sure that you are able to debrief with someone you
trust and hopefully, the organisation you work in will provide you with
emotional and psychological support.

All the best on your journey forward,

Delphine Amer
...

Hi Katie,

Ffirst let me compliment you on your self-reflective
thoughts in regard to this child and your practice. If someone asks me
the question "What makes someone 'professional'?" one of the first
things I say is the ability, and the willingness, to be self-reflective
about ourselves and our practice. I think this is even more crucial in
the Child and Youth Care world as so many of the kids raise so many
feelings in us that can impact our practice and the way we care for
children.

I have had many experiences over the years with
children like you describe and agree that they create a challenge for
us, and for teams, to digest all the conceptual understanding we have
about the impact of trauma on children, don't take it personally, etc.,
etc. One thing that always helped me with this kind of child was to step
back and think that if I could make a strong connection with them then I
might be one who can begin to help turn their view of the world around.
My experience has been that these youngsters are often easier to reach
than we think because despite all their attempts to "push people away"
they are very ripe to connect with that one person who hangs in there
and remains in an accepting mode with them. Some practical ideas for
you:

(1) I remember Thom Garfat talking about tuning in
to the "Bids for Connections" that people make and how important it is
to recognize and seize the opportunities they present. For kids like
this those bids are usually pretty rough around the edges and often
socially awkward. Try to have the mind set to look for them and zoom in
to connect where you can.

(2) Try to find as many ways as possible to tell
this child that you want to be with them and like being with them. The
Circle of Courage thinking has referred to it as an "Invitation to
belong". I built a number of recreation and activities programs with
kids in my practice based almost exclusively on this concept and they
were all significantly successful. I remember on one occasion asking a
girl who was very often in behavioral difficulties in the program to
join a small group we were taking on a trip from New York City to spend
a long weekend in Montreal to the dismay of most others in the program
who felt she "didn't deserve it" and she would create disruptions on the
trip. When I asked her to join us for the trip she looked surprised and
said sarcastically "Why do you want ME to come?". I replied evenly
"Because I want to spend the time with you and get to know you better".
The look on her face was confused but precious. Yes, she attended that
year and the next year also....predictably no "issues" with her on the
trips.

(3) When he is starting to look agitated or getting
verbally aggressive ask him to help you with something. I cannot tell
you how many crisis' I settled by asking a kid to come outside and help
me carry some stuff in from the van, etc.

(4) Try to find some time to meet with him and
explore his feelings about being back in the program and tell him you
are happy he is here.

(5) I built much of my practice around a concept I
call "Money in the Bank"...that is putting relational "Money in the
Bank" with children so that there would be something relational there to
"draw out" in times of crisis or for the child to draw out somewhere
down the road. Having the mind set to put that "Money in the Bank" with
a kid like you describe is usually even more valuable in that those
'deposits" often can focus around empathizing and nurturing when most
others would want to run away or punish and they present many
opportunities to do just that. Just as important for your own growth in
your career is that my experience was when you put "Money in the Bank"
with this kind of youngster you were also putting it in with every other
kid who is watching you....who may be thinking "If I ever am having a
hard time like he is she will be there for me too!", It brings you a lot
of credibility and respect with the group.

(6) Capitalize on your willingness to be self
reflective and make your interactions with this child a regular topic of
discussion with your supervisor to help you monitor how you are doing
with him.

I hope some of these suggestions help Katie. I think
the fact you are asking the questions and willing to look at yourself
has you off to a good start.

Frank Delano,
Piermont, New York
...

Hello Katie,

Let me echo what Frank Delano said and compliment you on your
self-reflection. It is so important for us child and youth workers to
always question our motives, thoughts and feelings regarding the
children we work with. It is great to read about someone who is so new
to the field of child and youth work and yet wise enough to question her
own feelings regarding a child she is working with. You certainly sound
intelligent enough to realise that what staff have been saying about
this youth has biased your thinking and feeling slightly, but I would
suggest that you try to remain open minded and give the youth the
benefit of the doubt and tap into your natural compassion by reminding
yourself that this youth was once a little baby and that he has reached
the place he is in because life has undoubtedly dealt him a couple of
hard knocks.

Good luck and keep up the good work.

Delphine Amer
_______

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