The city by the sea that attracts alternative viewpoints is just the sort of
place for a Tory revival

We’re doomed: the Right is doing a 1980s Left, and splitting its vote. The unelectable Ed could, however preposterous the concept, become PM by default. The Right is finished anyway, its fissiparous state due partly to a significant proportion of its electorate being “old skool”; and, as the country’s demographics change, the Right – whether Tory, Ukip or whatever – will struggle ever harder to win a majority.

I’m no optimist, but I think such a view is mistaken, needlessly pessimistic. The future of Britain need be neither Tower Hamlets nor Hampstead.

It could be much more like Brighton. Studying that city by the sea should give Tories hope – and some pointers for a post-Ukip local election frightening.

What do you know about Brighton, beyond its location and the pier? 1) It has a Green MP and 2) there are loads of homosexuals there. I’d bet those two responses occur, reflexively, to most people on mention of the city’s name. And some of you will already be thinking: “vegetarian, homosexual Archer, quelle shock that he loves it there”. Brighton is a symbol of radical Britain. “Everyone” knows this.

“Everyone” is partially correct. Brighton is radical, but that isn’t a synonym for anti-Tory. My own label was incomplete: it’s vegetarian, homosexual, Conservative Archer, actually.

Did you know that Brighton & Hove has three MPs? Two are Conservatives. They’re not clinging on to ancient safe seats, being nibbled away by demographic change: Mike Weatherley in Hove and Portslade, and Simon Kirby in Brighton Kemptown (Gay Village Central, by the way) won their seats from Labour in 2010.

Yes, Brighton Pavilion has a Green MP. But that took an immense amount of targeted resource, of the folding kind, not easily replicated elsewhere. The first lesson, then, for Tories regarding Ukip is: relax. So Ukip won a few council seats. Big deal. I’d go further: it would have been better had they won control of an entire authority.

Because the Greens also control Brighton council (it’s currently Green-as-largest-party; previous to that it was Tory-as-largest-party; previous to that it was Labour. I’m fairly sure control will revolve among Brighton’s three parties as long as there are bins to be emptied and schools to be filled).

How have the Greens performed under the spotlight of leadership? Apart from digging up a bowling green (honestly) and raising the council tax? Last week, nearly half of their group attempted to unseat their leader, Councillor Jason Kitcat. It turns out that Greens consist not only of “watermelons” (Green with a red, socialist interior); a significant proportion are also “mangoes” (Green with a yellow, Lib Dem interior). Councillor Kitcat – an earnest, decent-seeming young man – appears to be of the liberal variety. Thus the infighting.

This shouldn’t be a surprise: with first past the post, there’s only a finite space available for a limited number of political brands. Gilbert and Sullivan were nearly right (I’d add “socialist” to their “liberal or conservative” list).

The Greens won their seats partly by displacing the Lib Dems as the non-big-two vote. Ukip won their council seats by also being the non-big-two vote – since the Lib Dems and Tories are in Coalition, a non-socialist protest vote has to go elsewhere.

That (Coalition) won’t be the case, come the general election. That’s why I’d prefer it if Ukip were already in charge of a council. Those Ukippers who are Tory, under the pressure of decision-making, would revert to type. Those with, ah, other political preoccupations would soon reveal their true colours: just as we’ve seen with the Brighton Greens.

What about demographics? On the surface, Brighton contains some very non-Tory types: dreadlocks. Tattooed legs. Flesh! Everywhere flesh!

But look a bit more closely: Christian councillors – fall foul of Leftist thoughtcrime. Coming Out support groups – Big Society in action. Vegetarian café – suffers from idiot municipal socialist policies on parking as much (more, in fact) as any MegaCorp. There is nothing here antithetical to Toryism.

The trick for Conservatives is to look past the labels. I deliberately picked one for myself earlier, but the best description for me is “Graeme”. All those Brighton “radicals” have first names, too.

Away with labels, and seductive, reductive definitions of “authentic” Conservatives. The Ukip proposition – that an authentic Conservative looks like Nigel Farage, and hates David Cameron enough to let Ed Miliband be PM – is toxic for precisely this reason: act as Ukip acts, and we’d never win those dreadlocked votes, no matter how many align with our Euroscepticism.

The best reason for Tories to visit Brighton? The sea, the sea: it makes you open your arms, and face outward; a practice that translates into politics. The quickest route to Conservative oblivion: to stand, muttering, in a closed circle. Staring at our toes.