I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in.She said - Cheque books.*****
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.
*****
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
*****
Definition of Nurse : A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.
*****
Boss:- We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
*****
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
*****
Q: What's the similarity between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
*****

ENGLISH SIGN-BOARDS IN NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING COUNTRIES:

1. AT A RESTAURANT IN NAIROBI:: Customers who find our waitresses not cooperative mayvisit the Manager.

2. AT A HOTEL IN ZURICH:: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests ofthe opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested thatthe lobby be used for this purpose.

3. AT A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX :: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famousRussian and Soviet composers and writers are burieddaily except Thursdays.

4. AT A TOKYO BAR:: Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.

5. AT A DOCTOR'S CLINIC IN ROME: : Specialist in women and other diseases.

6. AT A COCKTAIL LOUNGE IN NORWAY:: Ladies are requested not to get children in the bar7. AN ADVERTISEMENT BY AN UNDERTAKER OFFERING SPECIALDISCOUNT:Now the time to die cheap why live?

. Principal to student: "I saw you yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette?"
. Class teacher once said: "Pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!"
. Once Hindi teacher said: "I'm going out of the world to America.
. "Don't try to talk in front of my back.
. Don't laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....
. It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. And then she said "why is fan not oning"
. Teacher in a furious mood says "write down your name and father of your name"!!
. Shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college.
. Will you hang that calendar or else I'll hang myself.
. Librarian scolds: "If you will talk again, I will kneel down outside"
. Chemistry HOD comes and tells us: "My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter".
. Tomorrow call your parents especially mother and father.
. Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I am in the class?!
. Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code.. "I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??"
. Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class.. "Keep quiet, the principal has passed away".
. Once Teacher Told "If you Talk So Loudly I Will Stand Uping you"
. Teacher to students: Don't spit outside, the understanding people will suffer.
. I have 3 daughters, all are girls.
. This is what my manager said, "Peoples, please sit down and take your seats".

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

. Principal to student: "I saw you yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette?"
. Class teacher once said: "Pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!"
. Once Hindi teacher said: "I'm going out of the world to America.
. "Don't try to talk in front of my back.
. Don't laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....
. It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. And then she said "why is fan not oning"
. Teacher in a furious mood says "write down your name and father of your name"!!
. Shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college.
. Will you hang that calendar or else I'll hang myself.
. Librarian scolds: "If you will talk again, I will kneel down outside"
. Chemistry HOD comes and tells us: "My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter".
. Tomorrow call your parents especially mother and father.
. Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I am in the class?!
. Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code.. "I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??"
. Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class.. "Keep quiet, the principal has passed away".
. Once Teacher Told "If you Talk So Loudly I Will Stand Uping you"
. Teacher to students: Don't spit outside, the understanding people will suffer.
. I have 3 daughters, all are girls.
. This is what my manager said, "Peoples, please sit down and take your seats".

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

Why donuts ? What was wrong with donuts ????

__________________
Fair use is a limitation and exception to the exclusive right granted by copyright law to the author of a creative work. In United States copyright law, fair use is a doctrine that permits limited use of copyrighted material without acquiring permission from the rights holders. Examples of fair use include commentary, criticism, news reporting, research, teaching, library archiving and scholarship. It provides for the legal, unlicensed citation or incorporation of copyrighted material in another author's work under a four-factor balancing test.

"Dhritrashtra was the best batsmat ever walked on this planet ...2 balls me century bana daali that too playing blindly"

What does that mean Singapore Arline is pulling ? and then BC is benchod ? Why is your teacher abusive ?

__________________
Fair use is a limitation and exception to the exclusive right granted by copyright law to the author of a creative work. In United States copyright law, fair use is a doctrine that permits limited use of copyrighted material without acquiring permission from the rights holders. Examples of fair use include commentary, criticism, news reporting, research, teaching, library archiving and scholarship. It provides for the legal, unlicensed citation or incorporation of copyrighted material in another author's work under a four-factor balancing test.

One SardZ said to another : Jo tu sach-sach bata de shake,.... ki meri muththi mein kya hai,... then, I may give you away half of the cashew from it !

Other SrdZ puzzled, perplexed and confused,.. n' kept on looking at his fist in confusion.

So,.. to make his life even more easier ,.. the first one said again ,... :
aur, haan,..... agar tu jo yeh bata de shake, ki how many are they,.. I will give you away all of the 10.

2nd one kept on puzzling and perplexing even more !

Needless to say, the venue where I said this joke,.. no1 laughed,.. But after my show was over,.. one Sardz from the crowd came to me, very hesitatingly and afraid,.. and Finally he asked up me, very straight to me , in a fearful way !

If a guy pulls out in time, there should not be babies. one expected that you would understand that
-
This is a very old joke (over 20 years). The original one mentioned North west airlines, which is no more. so they use Singapore now.

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This is quite a game, politics. There are no permanent enemies, and no permanent friends,only permanent interests. - Some Firang

A man received message from his neighbour.
Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.

Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.

Few minutes later he received another message.

Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.

__________________
There are four kinds of people to avoid in the world: the assholes, the asswipes, the ass-kissers, and those that just will shit all over you.

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well with one problem - he kept winking at the camera.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem. I'm afraid we won't able to hire you unless you get it under control."

"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done"

"Allright, show me," said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. First he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills.
Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and the second take went without a single hitch.

The interviewer said, "That's amazing, I'd hire you on the spot, except that we're not in the habit of hiring such womanizers. We've had too many sexual harrassment suits."

"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"

"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.

The man sighed. "Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin and winking all the while?"

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor"???

Of course child...What may I do for you???

Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday...It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it...Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me???Hide it under your robes perhaps???

I would love to help you dear but I must warn you, I will not lie.

With your face Father, no one will question you"!!!

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first...The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare"???

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare".

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor"???

"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is to date, unused..."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father...Next Pls..."