Breed: "I'm pretty darn close to a boy whatchamacallit terrier mix of some sort."

Turn-ons: "Did I hear what I thought I heard? Did Texans head coach Gary Kubiak really say on a sports talk show, 'It's not all David Carr's fault. As coaches, it's our job to teach him how to play quarterback in this league.'? Carr has been the starting quarterback for FIVE years. He should be in the prime of his career. If he doesn't know what he's doing by now, he never will. We need a different quarterback next season or it'll be another miserable long year. Nobody wants to go through this again. Not the Texans, not Carr, not Kubiak and especially not us fans."

Turnoffs: "I'm going old-school on you. Why do hack comics like Bob Saget, Howie Mandel, Penn Gillette and, help us all, Danny Bonaduce think they can host a TV game show? Give me Bob Barker, Alex Trebek, Bill Cullen and the great, great Wink Martindale any day ... or prime time. When it comes to this new bunch of quizmasters, I say NO DEAL."

Ideal home: "Jeff Bagwell just announced his retirement? When was the last time he stepped on a field? He must hold the record for most money made without doing anything. I'm guessing the tote board reads $43 million for a handful of games in 2005, none in 2006 and a buyout for 2007. Nice work if you can get it and not actually do it."