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Burlington Police Whip the Shit out of Some Guy in Chiv’s Backyard

The Burlington Police Department is facing possible sanctions and penalties in lieu of a dispute on Main Street early Sunday morning. A 20-year-old male from Winooski was seen punching somebody in the face while police were responding to an unrelated call concerning a man climbing a street lamp. When police attempted to subdue the violent male, he freed himself and struck both officers in the face. After being tasered and falling to the ground he was punched several times in the back and handcuffed, violating his fourth amendment right to flee the scene of a crime without unlawful search and shit-kicking.

The investigation began the next day when the Officers were kept in from recess.

When asked to comment, the arresting officer stated, “What? That guy wasn’t playing fair. Right Johnson?” He went on to say, “I couldn’t see the guy’s hand, he could’ve been finagling anything!”

The BPD released a statement claiming that no excessive force was used in the incident. However after officials got a hold of definitive evidence from a “cellular video phone,” they decided to take action on the matter.

Chief of Police Michael Schirling announced late Monday that all officers will now be equipped with mandatory pillows around their hands tightly secured with duct-tape.

During talks with Schirling, the head of State Police, Thomas L’Esperance, recommended possible use of “Socker Boppers” or making the officers wear “Hand Slippers” in reparation of their acts. This bare hand policeman ban will be enforced for the next three months of operations, or until the officers think about what they have done and apologize to those in question.