Fond Memories: Mail Order Monsters

Share.

Slap a grav-gun on that squid and send it into battle.

By Levi Buchanan

As advanced and beautiful as games may be these days, it's good to know your history. With over three decades of videogame releases, there are hundreds of titles from yesteryear that still hold a special place in our hearts. Games may be getting longer, prettier, and more complex, but that doesn't take anything away from games we played back in the day, and that's where our Fond Memories come in...

Before Electronic Arts earned its reputation as the House of Madden, it was a savvy, scrappy computer game publisher. Founded in 1982 by Trip Hawkins, EA sought out original, innovative games for the Commodore 64 and Atari computers and then proceeded to give them the rock star treatment. Early EA games shipped not in boxes or baggies (oh man, remember those days?), but in record sleeves that featured great cover art and photos of the developers.

One of EA's greatest sleeves belongs to Mail Order Monsters. A rubber Godzilla-like brute is kicking through the top of a parcel bearing a Transylvania postmark. The creature is armed to the teeth with a mace, spear, machete, and assault rifle. A bandoleer is draped across its chest. And, just for good measure, this Rex is banging to tunes on a Walkman. You know, just for something to do while sitting in the post.

Lest the cleverness end there, opening the sleeve reveals a catalog of weapons and gear, such as the Flamer, Laspistol, Grav-gun, and Mindsink. All of these weapons are represented by small plastic models, not drawings. EA wanted to produce what looked like a very real catalog for a correspondence-based fighting game. Mail Order Monsters, if you will.

What It Was All About

You begin the game as a new entrant into the exciting world of Mail Orders Monsters. As part of your starter kit, you are allowed to choose a free monster from 12 different beasts that include the man-eating tree Carnifern, the Wuzzle-esque Lyonbear, massive spiders and squids, and even a hominid for those that like to keep it in the species. Each monster has a starting set of stats, basic supplies, and a weapon. Once you have your monster, you must enter a series of brawls in order to win Psychons, the currency used in the world of Mail Order Monsters.

The many morphs of Mail Order Monsters.

Psychons are used to increase your creature's stats, such as armor, muscle, and speed. Each upgrade saps cash from your account, but you must continuously beef up your creature so it can enter (and win) battles against increasingly horrible foes. In addition raising stats, you can also genetically enhance your monster with offensive and defensive measures, such as fangs, tentacles, a stinging barb, or special healing. One of the coolest features about Mail Order Monsters is that these enhancements do not exist on some static stat sheet. Your monster is morphed right before your eyes as you customize it with different enhancements. For example, adding fangs to the Carnifern gives an actual mouth with little sharp teeth. And then there's the weapon shop, where you outfit your creature with a selection of guns and melee weapons, like missiles, needlers, e-maces (an electric mace!), and boorangs.

Your creature is never stagnant in Mail Order Monsters. You are constantly encouraged to return to the Vats, where upgrades are made, and try new features. And you are not stuck with one beast, either. Leave your champions (or failures) at the Corrals and then build new scaly, slimy gladiators at the Vats. Maxed out the Tyro? Stomped many mudholes with the Lyonbear? Why not test yourself with the giant worm, which requires more enhancements to turn it into a fit, fighting machine?