Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 13th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Bernie Madoff, the most reviled person in America, except for perhaps that E*Trade talking baby, went to prison. They did the cavity search. They found 63 billion dollars.- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

He lost 63 billion dollars of people’s money, never invested a dime in anything. He put all of it in one Chase Manhattan Bank account. You know what I don’t understand, how come the FBI didn't notice this but somehow they found Eliot Spitzer's hooker money.- Bill Maher in his opening monologue, regarding Bernie Madoff

Michael Steele, the head of the Republican Party, is in very hot water this week once again for suggesting that actually it is the woman’s choice if she’s pregnant, what to do, and also suggesting that homosexuality is something you’re born with. Rush Limbaugh attacked him for being dangerously sane.- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Bristol says she wants her baby raised free of ignorance and backwoods superstition. But you can't stop mom from visiting.- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

For the sake of our children, this overly powerful and selfish union must be busted.- Bill Maher, regarding the Teacher’s Union

New Rule: To save taxpayer money, someone must fire those courtroom sketch artists and just take a damn picture. It's 2009. Everything in our pocket has a camera on it now - including the lint. And if you really want to draw the people who laid America low, bring your sketch-pad to Wall Street.- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Garbage trucks get to back up without beeping. I'm trying to sleep and you're a giant, churning, groaning behemoth, and when you go backwards, it's at one mile an hour while making the sound of Fran Drescher with her hand caught in a blender. If there's anyone out there who can manage to get run over under those conditions, well, you won't just be letting me sleep, you'll be improving the species.- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: If President Obama really wants to be transparent and level with the American people, he must replace Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner with an actual deer caught in the headlights. Geithner could learn a thing or two about economic stimulus from the deer. For example, if you want to make a couple of bucks you need a little doe up front.- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment