The strongman is revealed as a Dark Lord of the Sith, apparently able to evade capture by changing the spelling of his surname at will.

TRIPOLI, Libya -- In the ninth day of civil war, Libyan strongman Moammar Qaddafi defiantly insisted that he was in complete control of the country, excepting the East, also certain cities in the West such as Misurata, but certainly Tripoli itself, though perhaps minus a few gas stations on the outskirts of town. Tripoli radio stations, however, were heavy guarded by loyalist troops and still playing Qaddafi's favorite hits.

On Tuesday night, Qaddafi gave a fist-pounding speech, vowing to fight to the death, evidently the death of some of the mercenaries who were just arriving from other countries in Africa. His initial plan, to send out Libya's own fighter planes to drop bombs on the insurrection, was problematic, as such of the pilots who had parachutes resigned their commissions at about 2,000 feet.

Foreign statesmen, diplomats, and experts wrung their hands over an appropriate response. French president Nicolas Sarkozy raised the possibility of economic sanctions but was reminded that there is currently no economic activity in the country. U.S. president Barack Obama went way out on a limb and declared the violence "outrageous and unacceptable."

A resident of Tripoli said, "We are at the mercy of a man who is not a Muslim," an example of the baseless charges made against Mr. Obama over there. Another idea gaining traction is for the United Nations to declare a "no-fly zone" over all of Libya. The U.S. would be named guarantor of the zone and the prospect of bogging the U.S. down in a third endless military occupation would amuse everyone.

But U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton advised Americans in-country to leave immediately. She told reporters the United States had arranged for a fairy to ensure their safe passage. However, some Americans were startled at the fairy, a young man named Lance; also at his gregarious manner when he told them he was there to help them evacuate.