~ A New Dawning Of Health And Fitness

The Vegan Monologues

When you go vegan, you must develop a thick skin. Vegans are always easy targets for barbs from carnivores, hunters, vegetarians, and the uninformed. Here are just a few examples of how vegans are becoming a presence in the comedy mainstream. Stop me if you’ve heard these…

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At school one day, the teacher asked, “Can anyone use the word ‘vegan’ in a sentence?” Little Johnny immediately raised his hand. “Go ahead, Johnny,” replied the teacher. “Vegan’t go on vacation this year unless vegan hit the lottery.”

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What is a vegan’s favorite Halloween treat?
Meatless ghoul-ash with ghost peppers.

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What’s the difference between a stoner and a vegan?
One smokes his hemp and the other uses it as a flavor enhancer.

Why did the vegan cross the road?
To make sure the chicken got safely to the other side.

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Yo Mama was so vegan, she only gave you black-eyed peas for dinner.
Oh, yeah? Yo Mama was so vegan she fed you quinoa painted to look like black-eyed peas.

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A vegan and a duck walk into a bar to watch the Patriots game. The bartender came right over and said, “We don’t allow ducks in here.”
“C’mon, give us a break,” replied the vegan.
“Nope. Rules are rules,” said the bartender.
“How about this,” said the vegan, “You let us sit here for the first half and if Belichick doesn’t do anything stupid, we’ll leave. But, if he does, you have to give us whatever we want on the house.”
The bartender thought it over and finally replied, “You’ve got a deal.”
Late in the second quarter, the Patriots went for a first down on fourth-and-three from their own 37 yard line and promptly lost two yards on a running play.
“You idiot!” cried the bartender, slamming his towel down in disgust.
“Hah!” replied the duck. “We win. I’ll have a shot and a beer!”
“And I’ll have a double veggie burger with sautéed mushrooms,” yelled the vegan.
The bartender looked over and said, “We don’t allow vegans in here.”

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A vegan was walking down a country road when she came across a blonde throwing chicken wings into a hole she had just dug.
“Why are you throwing chicken wings into a hole?” asked the vegan.
“My doctor told me I would be healthier if I ate food that came out of the ground.”

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A liberal, a conservative and a vegan arrive at the pearly gates and are met by St. Peter. “I’m sure,” said St. Peter, “that you all want to gain entry into the kingdom of heaven but we may not be able to take all of you. Of course, you all know what the alternative is. I’m going to ask each of you why you think you should be allowed in.”
The liberal immediately pointed at the conservative and said, “Don’t let him in. He gives tax breaks to the wealthy and leaves the poor and middle class with nothing.” The conservative fired back, “Well, don’t let him in because he’ll run up the deficit and only increase the size of government.”
St. Peter looked over to the vegan who was standing quietly. “So, vegan, what’s your story?”
The Vegan calmly replied, “I fed my family nothing but healthy fruits and vegetables for twenty years.”
St. Peter’s eyes glassed over a bit and he scratched his head. “Are you sure you’re at the right gate?”