Feelings.

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~Apologizing in advance as this post is mostly a ramble without much meaning~

Have you ever put a tired baby down for a nap? (If not – this metaphor is probably not gonna land and I apologize.) They are obviously exhausted and the thing they need most is sleep, but they fight it with all they have. And the closer they get, the harder they fight. Until they have no energy left and finally give in. That’s basically how I’ve been feeling the last few weeks. Big adventures are on the horizon and the feelings are building; excitement and fear and love and worry – all growing at once. I have a tendency to start fighting against feelings as soon as they grow into “too much” instead of just giving them the space they need. Treating them as hot potatoes instead of traveling professors (Thank you to Glennon Doyle Melton for that wonderful metaphor.) Regardless of the feelings being positive or negative, when they grow into my definition of “too much” I start fighting with them. Pushing them away.

Mostly this only happens when preparing for new adventures; stepping into new arenas. [Side note: this always makes me wonder about caterpillars and butterflies. Do those little guys know what is happening when they are in the cocoon? Are they afraid? Are they excited? Do they care? What is their mental management technique?]Because once you engage with the fight in the arena and set off on the adventure, all those feelings fall backwards, out of focus. And it’s easier with every moment to sink into the adventure at hand and start swimming. (But first you are required to get into the water.) I know in those moments when I want to fight the feelings that I’m simply pushing away the things I need the most. And so I try and remind myself to use my energy for fighting what matters; shrinking the fears and eliminating the roadblocks to adventure instead of fighting against my own feelings. Embracing the feelings; allowing them the space to be whatever they need to be. Knowing they are here more as an adventure guide and in support of the bigger fight in the arena. Not to mention – excitement and nervousness are quite similar and at times hard for me to decipher. So maybe if I can remember to focus on giving them space it won’t matter as much exactly what those feelings are. And instead will leave more time for celebrating and smiling and adventuring. Because at the end of the day, no matter how big the fear becomes, I hope my love of adventure will always be bigger. And there is never a reason for fighting with love – only for it.