To begin, I’ve had quite a bit of experience with psychedelics but I’ve never done brave amounts of them. More than that, I respect the substance. I don’t use psychedelics to get fucked up or have fun. It is that but it’s more for spirituality and expanding my mind. I got a hold of 5g of very powerful psilocybin cubensis. I was waiting for the right time to use them. When I wasn’t stressed out and had a day to spend in nature with the right people. All of those needs were met and it was a beautiful day to trip.

Well I dosed all 5g at 3:30. I prefer to trip alone with all mostly sober people around. It’s because my feelings and thoughts are so different typically than those that trip. I feel more separated from people tripping than sober people. T, B, C, A, and myself are headed out to the wildlife reserve. On the way out there the visuals and feelings start picking up. Just laughter and empathy. The come-up compared to most of my peak time on shrooms before which was only 2g. I was wondering how far I would reach. Well that is just around the corner. We get to the refuge and start talking about rolling the blunts. My hand was shaking nonstop for at least 30 minutes so T would be doing the rolling this day. Not because of anxiety. I was calm but the drugs had some side effects.

I sat down in the driver seat of the car and voices became extremely distorted. I heard the high treble and bass of those around me. As in, it seemed their voices were going through an equalizer that adjusted the pitch high and low. I close my eyes and am seeing a brilliant fractal scene. Not very colorful but the shapes were brilliant. Well the blunt is rolled and I’m smoking a cigarette at the time. I get passed the blunt and take a couple of puffs as we’re walking over rocks to a good chill spot. I’m having a hard time walking because it was so hard to discern any plane or geometric pattern of the rocks.

We arrive at a spot near the water. Just sitting on the rocks near the water. I was peaking at this time and blacked out for the first time in my life. I’m told I couldn’t drink any water, tried to eat an apple, pulled 2 cigarettes out of my pocket and couldn’t even put them in my mouth. My thoughts had gone mad at this point. The first thing to go was my sense of self. Before this time I thought ego death was impossible. That one could only transcend it in a way that broke away from the mainstream. So, really, just ego restructuring. First, I couldn’t tell if I was sitting, standing, laying down. ‘A’ tells me I asked numerous times if I was in the water or on top of the adjacent mountain. The idea being that I lost all physical sense of self. Next, wildest part, I began to think my entire life was an illusion. I thought I had been born at the wildlife reserve and was in eternity. I was looking around everywhere from the water, mountains, the trails around us. Everything was melting and swirling in a vortex. My grasp on reality was hanging on a string.

That thought kept circulating in my mind that nothing was real and we were all fictions of imagination. I kept asking B and A if they existed and if they were memories. I wasn’t sure if I knew anyone there. I was functioning on 3 different perceived realities in this time. One where I was just speaking in my head, one where I was actually speaking, and one where no one existed. I kept looking from the waters, to the mountains, to B and A as if my memory of them was erased with each look away. The oddest part of this time was where I felt my thinking was happening. When studying for a test, one can feel their head overworked- where the thinking and deciding is happening. Well I closed my eyes and I felt as if my thinking was happening everywhere. I kept wondering if I was in the water, or on the other side on a mountain or behind me or to the side or in front. And when I opened my eyes I saw that I existed where I was sitting.

I began to think about my past life. National champion debater, attending a university, a friend to those back home and at school. It all seemed to be made up in my head. I didn’t know what I thought about what was going on in the present. I kept asking if I existed, if A and B existed. They were the only string of attachment I had left to reality. If they didn’t exist then I would have lost my mind that day. After an hour and a half of laying down listening to music, forgetting I existed, and being szchitzo, I realized that losing ego is tied to past experiences. If one sees a rape or murder when they are young, it will affect the way they view the world. Or if someone is robbed, their ego will tell them ways to avoid being robbed in the future. When one forgets their entire life or think it’s an illusion that is ego death. If there’s no experience or memory to derive order from, then the ego can’t exist. It’s just like starting life as a child again. The baby doesn’t have many thoughts of its own other than what he/she has experienced. Thus, experience gives the ego substance.

After losing my mind for that hour and a half, we start to move again. I’m walking again with the group. While I was getting up from laying down my first thought is, “oh my God, the idea of myself is getting up”. Everything was coming back very slowly. I became more convinced that I existed and so did those around me. On the walk, my friends were telling me that they were worried for a while there and told me some of the things I said. Mostly having to do with whether I existed or not. I broke my ego down so far that the only thing I had left was whether or not I or my friends existed. “Animal collective is playing so I probably exist.” “Well yall exist because I know you A and B.” And then after looking away from them it was like my memory was erased again.

Well we found a location and I apologized to everyone for worrying them. I smoked another cigarette and we just sat. I was reflecting on the really heavy times. I felt like I lost a part of myself that I would never be able to regain. I was off the peak to have a bad trip or freak out. I was kind of a solemn time with myself. On the ride home I was down all the way. We took a bunch of pictures that day and it was the heaviest experience in my life. That trip stands out more in my mind than my incredible past with DMT. I try to figure out a lesson with each experience I have with psychedelics. This one doesn’t make any sense. I didn’t have enough ideas in my head to work with to make an idea. Like, friends are what count, or be content unconditionally, or about spirituality and the universe. That trip was all about myself and whether I existed. As I’m writing this, I feel like the lesson meant to learn is starting to develop. Like, before you can figure out the universe, it starts with yourself. I adventured into the void of consciousness in this trip. I know what it feels like to lose my mind. I felt like I had a grip on the right questions before this trip. Like the nature of God, where we came from, the nature of human beings. But what if the questions are illusory as well.

I don’t see myself doing psychedelics for a long time now. Terrence McKenna said, “Know when to lose your grip on reality and know when to hold on.” I feel a great deal that I need to hold on right now for everything I have. I felt the day after that I would never laugh again. A invited me to a cricket game and I laughed maniacally at some points that day. I’m focusing on meditation, exercise, and eating healthy. I’m a happy and loving person but have had some negative thoughts since this trip. I don’t think I’ll know the true meaning of this trip until I’m over these effects. The best part about it, which might also be a lesson is the need for community. I’ve told my friends about all of this and some have dedicated to help me through it. At this point I don’t regret that trip. I was as prepared as I could have been and it wasn’t bad. It just went to the furthest extent possible without reaching permanent insanity. Don’t let this story stop anyone from doing psyilocybin. It is an incredible substance that has true consciousness transforming powers. My suggestion is to take it with a purpose. Come into the trip with ideas about your life and how you can change. That is how tripping can serve you the best.

Welcome to bluelight, man. Very fascinating report ! Reminds me of my pre-addict days where psychedelics were used quite often.

Some good acid may be what my life is lacking. Some severe personal reflection. Good or bad, trips all mean something and you need to take them for what they are. I learned much about myself using psychedelics. Unfortunately getting addicted to IV heroin and cokke unlearned much of that.

5g is alot. 3g is pretty f-in powerful. Exponential response curve. Shrooms can definitely confuse your poor brain so bad, exactly as you describe, you can't even remember what you are, or whether you ever even were anything... can be very humbling to feel your mind and self-awareness dismantled like that before your eyes... and then to make it worse at some point short term memory goes and you cannot even remember how you got that way, can definitely be scary, so your reactions are not at all hard to understand.

I feel with you carltonville...
had a similar experience: 4,5g of cubes in nature. but I was completely alone and a 1,5h walk away from civilization...and it was raining.

this trip was 2 years ago and I still think about it nearly every day. it's not necessarily negative but it left scars on my mind. there was also no lesson, no resolution, no insight.
the beginning was pure ecstasy, then I slipped into the void (last thing I remember was the "tryptamine typewriter" forcing knowledge into my brain until it was too much to handle..) - and I am still convinced that a part of myself just stayed there. I'm convinced that if you go down the rabbit hole as deep as it gets you never come back as the same person. something is exchanged there.
with this trip this was not the case: I went there, lost something and came back with the feeling of having lost something.

for a few months after the experience I tried to go back to that place and get back what i had lost. it didn't work of course..
today I prefer to think about it as an extremely intense experience that blacked me out and left my with the feeling of having lost something. and that's it.

I was - and still am - close to regretting it - due to the fact that there was no obvious outcome. but I think with experiences of that level of intensity it can take years to fully realize what the lesson was and what you can do with it.

for me the trivial lessons were: don't take too much psychedelics in an insecure environment. prefer a safe place over an amazing place. do not always go for the extremes. prefer a safe experience over a - seemingly - amazing one.
and further: don't do stupid shit. and if you need to do stupid shit, don't do it alone. rely on other people. take care of yourself. and let yourself be cared about.

let me tell you something.
it was only a drug.
there is no real explanation behind this trip except the fact that this drug got you real fucked up.
so go out there and be happy! WEEEE!

HAHAHA everyone is very encouraging on here. thanks a lot for the feedback. consciousness = love and love = joy. i feel the happiest i can be after a revealing experience. all of the past mystics, shamans, and spiritual writers had psychedelic experience which allowed them to love the MOST!!!

Nice report, sounds a little scary haha! I recently had an overwhelming shroom trip with 3.5 grams of cubes (more potent then I had expected..most potent ive consumed actually). Still no where near the experience you described though, I dont think I would wanna go that far!

Thank you for contributing, I hope you enjoy this site. Very interesting trip. I haven't voyaged that deep with mushrooms, although I've had many 3.5 gram trips. I definitely touched a tip of the iceberg you experienced on my first trip though.

Was the trip mainly introspective? did you have visuals or "dreams" during the ego loss portion?

I watched a video my friends filmed of me. Completely unaware I was being recorded. I was a completely different person. Kind of like a really tired mob boss. ha i'm not sure if it would be introspective. I just kept repeating the same things: "and i know you because we're friends. What? What? Who's that?" I lost most of my sense of being. I was thinking stuff like, "I'm taking classes at the university? i think i know people outside of this eternity." oh the visuals were of the mountains and rocks melting and twisting in a vortex. Dreams is an interesting word to describe thinking back of my past. that's exactly what it seemed like. i didn't transport away to any alternative realities.

On shrooms, LSA, or LSD I have "dreams", these waking psychedelic visions of events, either completely made up or incorporating parts of things I have seen or felt. Like lucid dreaming while still awake.

This only occurs on stronger doses and when I close my eyes or zone out in a quiet setting. I'll snap out of it periodically and realize where I am and that I tripping, but while in the dream, it seems so real. Its more than closed eye visuals, its completely immersive.

wow! that sounds so powerful. i've heard of some people having close eyed visuals that resembles this from dmt. i don't remember closing my eyes very often. i lost my focus. i wish i had enough will to put my heads phones on and calm things down. i had an awful stomach ache and would probably have thrown up from the motion sickness.