Haven’t posted a food review in a while…mostly because not many people seem to find them at all interesting. I definitely haven’t stopped putting disgusting things in my body (that’s what she said), but today I went with a phenomenon that’s been making its way around every major news network, the KFC Double Down.

It’s two fried chicken breasts with bacon, pepperjack cheese, and special sauce sandwiched in between. How can you not want to eat that?

Let’s see how it breaks down:

540 calories, 32g of fat, and 1380mg of sodium.

The fat is pretty much what I expected, but the calories and sodium were lower than I thought it would be. If you’re not pigging out on potato wedges and a Coke, the sandwich itself is reasonable in calories for a meal. The sodium is way more than you should be eating, but I was expecting over 2000mg sodium from this thing. It also comes with a whopping 53 grams of protein.

What it doesn’t come with is Awesomeness.

I love the concept of this thing, but it just wasn’t very good. The bacon was thin and droopy and the sauce made it feel like I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. The whole point in getting to pack a food full of fat and calories is to make something delicious. This was disappointing empty calories, not like the joy-inducing empty calories that come from eating an entire sleeve of Oreos.

Here it is,the third and final installment T.G.I. Friday’s frozen food reviews. [Read the first and second entries.] This time we’re taking a look at three different chicken products, Honey BBQ Chicken Wings, Buffalo Chicken Wings, and Buffalo Popcorn Chicken. Again, all the products are roughly the same size by weight, so the stats are for an entire small box, not per serving. The popcorn chicken comes with a side of buffalo sauce (in addition to the buffalo seasoning already on the chicken); so the popcorn chicken will be listed both with and without the sauce.

Round One: Bad Nutrition

Calories

Honey BBQ Chicken Wings: 400

Buffalo Chicken Wings: 360

Buffalo Popcorn Chicken: 480 / 690

Fat

Honey BBQ Chicken Wings: 22g

Buffalo Chicken Wings: 22g

Buffalo Popcorn Chicken: 21g / 25g

Carbs

Honey BBQ Chicken Wings: 20g

Buffalo Chicken Wings: 8g

Buffalo Popcorn Chicken: 45g / 90g

Sodium

Honey BBQ Chicken Wings: 1100mg

Buffalo Chicken Wings: 2060mg

Buffalo Popcorn Chicken: 2010mg / 4090mg

Round Two: Good Nutrition

Protein

Honey BBQ Chicken Wings: 28g

Buffalo Chicken Wings: 30g

Buffalo Popcorn Chicken: 27g / 27g

Calcium

Honey BBQ Chicken Wings: 8%

Buffalo Chicken Wings: 4%

Buffalo Popcorn Chicken: 0% / 0%

Vitamin A

Honey BBQ Chicken Wings: 4%

Buffalo Chicken Wings: 16%

Buffalo Popcorn Chicken: 12% / 24%

Iron

Honey BBQ Chicken Wings: 8%

Buffalo Chicken Wings: 8%

Buffalo Popcorn Chicken: 6%

Round Three: Cost

Honey BBQ Chicken Wings: $2.98

Buffalo Chicken Wings: $2.98

Buffalo Popcorn Chicken: $2.98

Round Four: Convenience

Honey BBQ and Buffalo Chicken Wings: The wings had the same cooking instructions. They could be, theoretically, microwaved, and while I am favoring convenience in products, wings are just something that really need to be baked. They bake at 450F for 9 minutes, need to be flipped, and then baked for another 8 minutes.

Buffalo Popcorn Chicken: These also had both baking and microwave instructions, but I went with the microwave on this one, at a quick 2:30. Trouble with these is the extra sauce packet, which cannot be microwaved. You thaw it by setting it in a pot of hot water for about 8 minutes.

Round Five: The Main Event – How Was It

Honey BBQ Chicken Wings: Bad choice in sauce. Barbeque is sweet enough as it is, no need for anything to ever be honey barbeque. It wasn’t gross, just too sweet to be good. The texture of the meat was fine, but baking it did not produce anything resembling a crispy skin. The wings are too drenched in sauce to crisp up at all, but pretty much what you find in all second rate wings. B-

Buffalo Chicken Wings: This sauce was actually pretty decent. If you’re looking for something really spicy, this won’t be it, but I think that’s a good thing. Too many wings go for heat over taste. Buffalo describes a specific type of mild-medium hot sauce, and they produced that flavor pretty well. And, despite not being as drenched in sauce as the barbeque wings, the skin on these still didn’t crisp up in the oven. You’d be much better off buying the wings cooked by your local grocery store. B

Buffalo Popcorn Chicken: The processing, freezing, and microwaving really took a toll on the texture of the nuggets. These probably would have benefited from baking (where as the wings would have been the same out of the microwave). Otherwise though, they were pretty decent. They got the same good buffalo flavor as the wings, and weren’t too hot. As for the extra sauce…completely unnecessary. It tastes exactly the same as the chicken. B+

Results

Since the Buffalo Popcorn Chicken was ultimately eaten without the extra sauce, those numbers will not be considered in the results, except to say right now that 4090mg of sodium is INSANE.

Best Bad Nutrition: Potato Skins? None of these was remotely good for you, but the Potato Skins seem like they’ll kill you the slowest.

Good Nutrition

Worst Good Nutrition: Potato Skins? Again, a tough thing to judge. This one just ranks so much lower than everything else for protein that it’s the only thing to stand out.

Best Good Nutrition: Mozzarella Sticks just barely beats out Chicken Quesadillas. Everything competing was high protein, but these two also packed in a lot of calcium.

Cost

Those of you who’ve been keeping up will have spotted this already: a 7 way tie! Everyone one of these products came in at just $2.98 (which is why I was willing to buy so many).

Convenience

Least Convenient: Both of the Wings and the Mozzarella Sticks are pretty inconvenient. All three bake, which slows the process down. The Wings require being flipped halfway through, and the Mozzarella Sticks have a whole sauce thawing process. Mozzarella Sticks are the least convenient, by a field goal.

Most Convenient: The two Quesadillas will split this victory with the Popcorn Chicken. Sure, the Popcorn Chicken has a packet of sauce to thaw, but you’re better served throwing it away, making all three of these products about equally convenient. (I still suggest baking the chicken.)

How Was It?

It Was the Worst: Mozzarella Sticks, without a doubt, hands down, one of the worst things I’ve ever eaten, and I’ve had horse.

It Was the Best: This isn’t much of a victory, since nothing stood out as great, but the Popcorn Chicken wins this one.

Final Verdict

What the hell, let’s give it to the Potato Skins. If I went back and looked at all the data carefully, I might reach another result, but right now the Potato Skins are simply the only thing I could imagine buying again, and that basically makes it the white guy boxing against the black guy. If you’re black, anything other than a knockout in the ring results in a loss. Sorry, but there you have it, I’m a food racist.

Yesterday I started a comparison of 7 different frozen T.G.I. Friday’s products, looking at the Potato Skins Boats and Mozzarella Sticks Travesties. Today continues into the quesadillas, with both Chicken Quesadillas and Turkey and Bacon Quesadillas. Each package contained two quesadillas, but to make the stats comparable, I’m again using the values for the entire box (as each box is roughly the same weight, though they list varying serving sizes).

Round One: Bad Nutrition

Calories

Chicken:520

Turkey and Bacon:560

Fat

Chicken: 22g

Turkey and Bacon: 24g

Carbs

Chicken: 56g

Turkey and Bacon: 60g

Sodium

Chicken: 1060mg

Turkey and Bacon: 1200mg

Good Nutrition

Protein

Chicken: 24g

Turkey and Bacon: 24g

Calcium

Chicken: 40%

Turkey and Bacon: 20%

Vitamin A

Chicken: 8%

Turkey and Bacon: 8%

Iron

Chicken: 20%

Turkey and Bacon: 20%

Round Three: Cost

Chicken: $2.98

Turkey and Bacon: $2.98

Round Four: Convenience

Both products had a microwave cooking time of 2 minutes. Kinda. 2 minutes leaves the middle a little bit cold, and by then the tortilla on the edge is already over cooked. They come with crisping sleeves, but that didn’t get them to heat evenly. They can also be prepared on a skillet which takes a bit longer, but if you’re going to go to that effort, you might as well just make your own quesadilla.

The packaging on the two products needed some work. Each box contained two quesadillas, and while you’re likely to just cook one and put the other back in the freezer, they were not individually wrapped. I think keeping it in the open wrapper, stuffed inside the box will protect it, but it struck me as odd to put them in one bag.

Round Five: The Main Event – How Was It?

Chicken: Surprisingly decent. The tortilla needed some work, and while the flavor was limited by the fact that it’s a microwavable quesadilla, it wasn’t at all unpleasant. It’s definitely a step above a comparable Hot Pocket. B

Turkey and Bacon: Given the Chicken’s adequate performance, I was surprised by the Turkey and Bacon. The flavors were pretty similar, except this one had some weird, and very unappetizing onion bits in it. Onion is the type of food that either has to be done very well or not at all, and you definitely don’t want to bite into it if you’re not expecting it. C+

Remember to keep checking back so you won’t miss the final round of the T.G.I Friday’s Food Fight. The final round will be between three different chicken products.

This is the first of three installments in which I put any concern for my health aside in order to explore the quality of 7 different frozen T.G.I Friday’s products. In this first segment, we’ll be taking a look at Cheddar and Bacon Potato Skins, and Mozzarella Sticks with Marinara Sauce. Since all the packages are about the same weight but the serving sizes have a big range, the data will be for the entire package. All of the contestants are the small, ~200g containers. Info for the mozzarella sticks includes the servings of marinara.

Potato Skins: One of my pet peeves is that too many companies do not understand the difference between a potato skin and a potato boat. A potato skin is a very thin slice of the skin of the potato, with a little bit of the flesh of the potato attached. A potato boat is the same idea, but with a thick, substantial amount of potato. These were potato boats, and like all potato boats, the texture was crap (unlike potato skins, which come out nice and crisp). The cheese was very mediocre, but they did contain a fair amount of bacon pieces, which actually seemed to be genuine bacon. C+

Mozzarella Sticks: As a whole, mozzarella sticks are a pretty disgusting food and are never very appealing. These are the most retarded kid in the special ed class. While most mozzarella sticks have a cylindrical shape, these looked like they’d been flattened. The firmness of the stick didn’t hold up. The overall appearance was like a limp, deflated mozzarella dick. The flavor was completely unappetizing. I only ate a second one to confirm that the first was so awful. The only saving grace here was the marinara, which comes in at average. D-

There won’t be any winners until I’ve gone through all 7 of the products I picked up, so check back for updates as the food fight continues.

Once again it’s time to subject my already punished body to needless experimentation with processed food products. In this installment we’ve got a side-by-side-by-side battle between three frozen, microwavable macaroni and cheese products. I originally was just going to compare Lean Cuisine to Smart Ones, but figured I should throw in a third, non-diet brand to give a good taste comparison, so I’ve added in Stouffer’s as well.

Both the Smart Ones and Lean Cuisine came in single serving packages, and while it looks like Stouffer’s does to, my store only had the large size. The two diet brands weighed in at 283g, while one serving of the Stouffer’s was 225g, so the Stouffer’s nutritional data will be increased by 25% to compensate.

Round One: Bad Nutrition

Calories

Stouffer’s: 438

Lean Cuisine: 290

Smart Ones: 270

Fat

Stouffer’s: 21g

Lean Cuisine: 6g

Smart Ones: 2g

Sodium

Stouffer’s: 1150mg

Lean Cuisine: 630mg

Smart Ones: 790mg

Carbs

Stouffer’s: 43g

Lean Cuisine: 43g

Smart Ones: 52g

Winner: Close class, but this round goes to Lean Cuisine. Smart Ones smashed Lean Cuisine for fat, but I’ve found finding low fat options fairly easy to do. Low sodium is harder, so the higher sodium count of Smart Ones costs it this round.

Round Two: Good Nutrition

Protein

Stouffer’s: 19g

Lean Cuisine: 15g

Smart Ones: 11g

Calcium

Stouffer’s: 38%

Lean Cuisine: 30%

Smart Ones: 15%

Iron

Stouffer’s: 10%

Lean Cuisine: 6%

Smart Ones: 10%

Potassium

Stouffer’s: 0%

Lean Cuisine: 16%

Smart Ones: 0%

Winner: Stouffer’s. No contest here. Stouffer’s ties or beats the other in everything aside from potassium. Not too difficult for the fattening product to win on protein and calcium though, especially in a cheese dish.

Round Three: Cost

Stouffer’s: $1.31 per serving ($2.63 for the box). The box says it has 2 1/2 servings, but the 25% we’re using here brings that number down to just 2.

Lean Cuisine: $2.53

Smart Ones: $2.53

Winner: Stouffer’s, by a good margin too. I’m not entirely sure on the prices for the Lean Cuisine and Smart Ones, since I got them on sale (5 for $10), and the receipt was confusing about the original prices. So, I distributed the discount evenly over the 3 items I got on sale, and reached a price of $2.53 for each.

Round Four: Convenience

Stouffer’s: Cook for 8 minutes, stir, cook for another 3. Keep in mind that this is a large container, so it will have a longer cooking time.

Lean Cuisine: Cook for 3 minutes, stir, cook again for 90 seconds.

Smart Ones: Cook for 3 minutes, stir, cook again for 1 minute.

Winner: Draw. Lean Cuisine and Smart Ones are too close to make a difference, and Stouffer’s large size means it can’t really be compared. All three require stirring in the middle, which I find annoying. Where am I supposed to put the fork after I’ve stirred? (I know, on the box, but I’ve usually thrown it out by then.)

Round Five: The Main Event – How Was It?

Stouffer’s: I expected Stouffer’s to come in as the tasty-but-bad-for you contestant, but it just wasn’t very tasty. The noodles were soggy, tiny grease pools were visible on the surface, and the cheese was down right bland. C

Lean Cuisine: Just by looking at it, I could tell that the pasta had a better texture than the Stouffer’s. But, just from eating it, I probably could not have recognized it as macaroni and cheese. The color is spot on, but the cheese sauce just tastes thin and watery. D

Smart Ones: After Smart Ones triumphant victory in the mini pizza battle, I expected them to do well with another classic junk food item, but they didn’t pull through, not in the slightest. While Lean Cuisine was edible (if awkward), Smart Ones is just disgusting. I can’t place what’s wrong with the cheese sauce, my only because I refuse to eat enough to really figure it out. F

Winner: Stouffer’s wins this round, but I’d consider it more of a loss for all three. I wouldn’t want to have to finish any of them.

Final Verdict: Total Failure

None of the three products is worthy of a victory today, and my recommendation is to simply avoid them at all costs. The boxed mac’n'cheese options are far better, and there’s definitely better frozen food choices. No need to ever try any of these.

Full disclosure requires me to mention that each also has instructions for preparing it in a conventional oven. These cooking times are much longer and I wanted this to be a straight up microwave battle. I don’t think the oven would have improved them much. It might have given the pasta a better texture, but all three fell flat in the taste department, and I doubt the oven would have helped that.

Frozen pizzas have managed to get some really nice blends of multiple cheeses and herbs. I think that technology needs to be applied here. A combination of cheese sauce and actual cheese would have given them a nice, stringy texture and could have resulted in an actually pleasant flavor.

It’s only the first day of the new week, and I’m already subjecting myself to disgusting food products out of my sense of duty to provide you with desperately needed information. Today won’t be a competition, but just an exhibition of the new limited time item on Arby’s menu: Southwest Mini Egg Roll. They have a typical egg roll wrapping and are filled with a mix of chicken, corn, black beans, (I think) a little green chili, and some sort of liquid cheese sauce (I think a blend of the cheddar ooze they put on the melts and some other cheese).

Let’s start with a run down on the nutritional information for a small order (of four): 250 calories, 10g fat, 450mg sodium, 31g of carbs, 11g protein, 8% iron and 10% calcium. You can find the nutrition information for the chili-lime ranch dipping sauce online, but since you’ll consume only a small amount of it, I’ve left it off.

I was surprised by how much protein they managed to get in, given the small amount of chicken. But, I was more surprised by how much sodium and carbs they packed in there.

Nutrition wasn’t the worst thing going for these little guys though. What makes the Arby’s mini egg roles a real loser is the value. Each mini egg roll is truly mini, only maybe a little over an inch long, about the size of a large tatertot. A small order of four weighs in at only 91 grams, but it’ll set you back $2.89. With tax, you’re paying about 75 cents for each miniature ripoff. My medium roast beef sandwich weighed in at 210g and only cost $3.99. And now with Arby’s value menu, a small order of curly fries is a measly $1. The mini egg rolls are definitely topping the list of worst values, not just at Arby’s, but at any fast food chain.

The only really redeeming there about them is they weren’t as gross as I expected. The cheese sauce was a bit unappetizing, especially when you don’t expect a quasi-molten liquid inside an egg role. But, after accepting what they were trying to create, I found myself not particularly inclined to vomit. If I was to grade all fastfood flavors on a curve, this would probably get a B-.

The verdict on this can only go one way though: unless you have three friends who are curious and want to split an order with you, skip this one.

This is the first of what will likely be many side-by-side(-by-side) comparisons of various junk foods. I got the idea when I happened to see kosher Maca Babies in my local grocery store, and I thought to myself “Self, those look pretty disgusting, let’s try them!” And, since I’m unemployed and have little better to do than subject my body to various disgusting processed foods, here we go.

Maca Babies, produced by Macabee, are essentially the kosher knockoff of Bagel Bites. They’re microwavable mini bagel pizzas and come on a sheet of 9. Pretty much the exact same concept. But, I don’t really get what’s not kosher about bagel bites. I know you’re not supposed to have meat and cheese without sight of each other, but what’s wrong with cheese bagel bites? Cheese is okay, right? I know bagels are, and I can’t think of pizza sauce of particularly offensive. Maybe pizza sauces secretly contain anchovies (like Worcestershire and sweet and sour sauces do)? Who knows.

I also saw some Smart Ones had created their own version, “Cheese Pizza Minis,” but these were on something similar to a very thin English muffin, but more of a shell than just a lump of dough with toppings. I figured what the hell and added them to my shopping cart.

Before getting to the real taste test portion, let’s start with analyzing the nutrition information of these three products. All three contained “two servings,” but the Bagel Bites and Maca Babies consolidated the two onto one microwavable tray. Since that’s generally how they’re eaten, as one serving of 9 mini pizzas, the nutrition info below is for the whole box. The Smart Ones were a little more complicated. The two servings were each of 4 mini pizzas, divided onto two trays. One serving of Smart Ones weighed 124g, while Maca Babies and Bagel Bites came in at 170g and 176g (for the entire box). So, all the data for Smart ones will be increased 40% to give a more even comparison. You don’t get points for smaller servings. No way.

Round One: Bad Nutrition

Calories

Bagel Bites: 400

Maca Babies: 400

Smart Ones: 378

Fat

Bagel Bites: 12g

Maca Babies: 16g

Smart Ones: 9.8g

Sodium

Bagel Bites: 700mg

Maca Babies: 840mg

Smart Ones: 672mg

Carbs

Bagel Bites: 58g

Maca Babies: 50g

Smart Ones: 53g

Winner: No surprise here, Smart Ones edged out the competition. But, not by as much as you would think. What gives Smart Ones a real advantage in this category though is that the two servings are individually packaged. Remember that the Smart Ones numbers were increased by 40% to adjust for weight. If you’re looking for a small snack, one tray of Smart Ones is the clear winner, since you know you won’t just microwave 4 Bagel Bites and save the rest.

As for the other two, I think Bagel Bites clearly take second place. Sure they have more carbs, but Maca Babies lose this round with their higher fat and sodium.

Round Two: Good Nutrition

Protein

Bagel Bites: 16g

Maca Babies: 20g

Smart Ones: 18g

Vitamin A

Bagel Bites: 8%

Maca Babies: 8g

Smart Ones: 3%

Calcium

Bagel Bites: 20%

Maca Babies: 40g

Smart Ones: 35%

Vitamin C

Bagel Bites: 0%

Maca Babies: 16%

Smart Ones: 0%

Iron

Bagel Bites: 12%

Maca Babies: 16%

Smart Ones: 10%

Potassium

Bagel Bites: 8%

Maca Babies: 0%

Smart Ones: 0%

Winner: This is a little hard to judge, since Maca Babies gives Vitamin A and Calcium in terms of grams, while the others give percentages, and I don’t care to figure out a conversion. I’m going to call this one a wash, but with an asterisk:

*If you’re hungover, go for the Bagel Bites. Potassium can really help out in your recovery.

Round Three: Cost

Bagel Bites: $2.39

Maca Babies: $4.39

Smart Ones: $1.77

Winner: Smart Ones. This was a little tricky to calculate, since the Smart Ones I got where on sale and the receipt was a bit unclear about the original price (there were a few items marked at 5 for $10, but the discounts listed weren’t evenly distributed; I had a total of $1.58 in discounts for 3 items purchased as 5 for $10, so I assumed a discount of $0.53 each, and added that to the price, divided it over the two servings, and then multiplied by 1.4 to adjust for size).

It’s odd for a diet food to come in so cheap, but there you have it. The Maca Babies are a clear loser here, almost twice as expensive as the Bagel Bites, and nearly three times as much as Smart Ones. I’m sure there’s some inappropriate Jewish stereotype to reference here, but I’m not sure whether to go with the higher price reflecting all the money Jews have, or if Macabee is trying to Jew its customers out of a few more bucks. Since I can’t decide what joke to go with, I’ll just settle for neither.

Round Four: Convenience

Bagel Bites: 2:30 cook time

Maca Babies: 3:00 total cook time, divided into two 1:30 sessions (then rotate), cooked at power level 5

Smart Ones: 1:45 cook time

Winner: Again, Smart Ones carry the day. The shorter cook time doesn’t really make much of a difference, since all three were so low. But, since Smart Ones individual package their two servings, you have the option of just cooking half if you want a smaller snack. That makes Smart Ones the clear winner for convenience.

Maca Babies: Completely flavorless, not far from eating cardboard. The only redeeming qualities were that the bagels had a decent texture and they weren’t offensive in flavor. The appearance was a complete failure though. Not even recognizable as mini pizzas, they were just a weird smattering of unappetizing off-yellow color. D-

Smart Ones: Huge surprise here, they were actually pretty good. Smart Ones opted for a more complex flavor by adding in some herbs and a sauce that seems like someone actually tasted it before sending it off for mass production. Plus, the shell shape makes them less messy and they look more appetizing. Only thing really holding it back is the medium of microwave mini pizza. B+

Final Verdict: Smart Ones Cheese Pizza Minis

This comparison wasn’t even close. Smart Ones win in nutrition, cost, convenience, and most importantly, actually tasting good. I was expecting a battle between Bagel Bites superior flavor and Smart Ones better nutrition, but Smart Ones simply dominated the contest.

And Maca Babies…I guess the only thing redeeming here is that you won’t go to Jewish hell for eating them. Better to just stick to something Jews are good at making though, like guilt.

The Juris Doctors were created by law schools.
They were laid off.
They devolved.
They look and feel human.
Some are programmed to think they are human.
There are many copies.
And they don't have a plan.