What is a Memory

Saturday, August 29, 2009

You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived. You can close your eyes & pray that he will come back, or you can open your eyes & see all he's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared. You can cry & close your mind, be empty, turn your back or you can do what he'd want: SMILE... OPEN YOUR EYES, LOVE & GO ON... ♥ nate 8.28.09 ♥

Jessamyn Harter, Nathan's sister, wrote this the day after he died...such strength...

Last night I found out that two of my childhood friends, sisters, lost their 22 year old brother. The sadness that comes with this news is overwhelming. I began to think about all of the things in my life that are not truly important. Our pastor last week did a sermon on How to Live Everyday Like it is your Last....It is hitting hard now that someone did have their last day and I wondered how they lived it. Did they get the chance to do what they had wanted before they died? This is obviously of some serious thought....Forgiveness is a tough one to pull through. If you were to die tomorrow would you want to die knowing that you have forgiven those who have hurt you? Those people who shattered your life or just scared it...would you want to have forgiven them before you died?Moments come quick and pass even quicker. I decided this past year to stay home with Olivia so that I could have more time with her and work with her on her speech therapy. Since I have stayed home with her I have noticed these little moments in our day that I was missing while at work. The little kisses she plants on my lips every morning while eating her cereal...milky and all! The times when her and I are playing on the floor and she comes to sit in my lap. I'm not sure why she sits in my lap...the floor seems fine, but knowing that she chose MY lap is so special. These moments would have gone unnoticed if I did not choose to stay home with her.Money defintely does not grow on trees. Worrying about money seems to be a constant in my life and many others, at least I hope so. Where would you like to be financially when you die? Why do we buy these little things that cost money and do not really matter instead of spending money on activities or time with family?All of these things have been streaming through my head since I heard this sad news. It gave me the opportunity to re-evaluate where I stand in my life. Some things have turned out exactly the way I want them, but other things need work and it is something I am going to really try for since life IS so short. He was after all only 22....

Friday, August 28, 2009

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Olivia had her hearing test yesterday. I do not know why they decided to schedule her appointment for 1 o'clock, which happens to be her nap time. She did pretty good but eventually got freaked out and cried for almost 20 minutes. It would have been great to have some help, but my husband decided he had to stay late and work...Her results came back with a hearing of 25 db's which is right above the normal, well actually 25 db is the normal so she just made the cut off. The doctor is still concerned with that result. He thinks that it may be off slightly and that she has more damage to one ear than the other. He ordered two more tests to be done to ensure that we are not missing anything.The audiologist said to keep working with her on speech therapy and stick it out. I decided, based on what he said, to re-examine how much time I am spending with her on speech therapy during the week. We go once a week to the speech therapist, but I do speech therapy at home with her the rest of the time. I have realized that I do not think I am doing as much as I could be. So I started timing our time that we spend doing it in the morning...it turned out to be 14 minutes before I wanted to get up and do something else. So I stuck it out for about 25 minutes, because it is supposed to be 30 minutes. Before I finally turned on her Baby Einstein movie that she loves.... I have also decided that Olivia needs a little more direction in the form of consistency and then freedom in the way of needing to ask for things. It is hard when you have an only child, you can quickly and easily give them what they want without them having to ask for it. So I am going to work with her on showing me what she wants and showing her how to ask for it. (more than I was before)I hope that a re-examination of what I thought I was doing compared to what I was actually doing will help Olivia get more out of our time together. We will see.....

Monday, August 24, 2009

I believe I have mentioned in previous posts about Olivia's hearing problems. If not I will fill you in...Olivia was not speaking by 18months and had multiple ear infections. When I took her to the doctor for yet another ear infection I would not leave until I got a referral to an Ear Nose and Throat doctor. She went for a hearing test and it showed that she could not hear anything below 50-60 decibills...60 decibills is a normal conversation. We were shocked by the results and we were not sure what to do. She had tubes placed in her ears to drain the fluid that may have been causing the impairment. The doctor was still concerned with her hearing due to the amount of hearing loss. Normal hearing loss from ear infections and fluid build up is 30 decibills, hers was double that. So we are now 6 weeks after surgery and are able to do the next hearing test. She goes on Wednesday for the final hearing test to determine her hearing ability. Unfortunatly I as a mom am pretty sure that she still has significant hearing loss. This morning the alarm for the house went off at 4 am for 2 minutes because Joe opened the door without shutting it off first and Olivia did not stir at all. She was still snoring when I checked on her after I turned the alarm off.....we will see on Wednesday.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Olivia got to see her first hummingbird today! Joe and Olivia were out on our back deck letting the dogs do their business. We hung up the feeder yesterday afternoon and cleaned up the deck so that we could use it more often. She noticed the hummingbird first and told her daddy to look. They both looked over and saw the hummingbird...our first one! Now the little sucker comes back regularly to feed and is pretty much living the good life.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Olivia is officially in a big girl bed! We switched out her crib with a toddler bed. It was a big moment for us as parent's and are glad she is becoming more independent. This obviously comes with a price though...she is able to get out of bed whenever her little heart desires. So we have been battling with the little terrorist, that is what I've knicknamed her because she is dang sneaky! For instance; today I put her down for her nap and then I would stand at her door and peek through the little crack and watch to make sure she would not get out of bed. When she would slide out of bed I would open the door and tell her to get back in bed. She figured it out pretty quickly that I was standing at the door. So she would slide her leg over the side of the bed and then quickly glance at the door to see if I was going to barge in and yell at her. Then she would slide the other leg out and again glance at the door....obviously this is now a game to her...yay for me who just wants to break out the cookies while she is napping and indulge myself without having to share. So this evening we had the same battle that went on for about ohhh 30 minutes or so. This time she got really creative.... Joe and I tag teamed the war which was now fully waging inside our house. The sneakiest thing I have ever caught her doing was this evening. I got up to see if she had snuck out of bed yet and as I cracked open the door she was low crawling across the floor so that we would not hear the pitter patter of her feet. How sneaky could she possibly get! So I immediately called my mom to tell her what kind of grandchild she had...the terrorist kind. She informed me that she gets it from her mother, me, and that I use to sneak out of bed and fall asleep at the bottom of the staircase so that I could hear what was going on while everyone else was still up. She also said that she would find me sleeping in the oddest spots in the house just because I wanted to still be part of the party.....Can you say....Like Mother Like Daughter?

Daddys and Daughters have a special bond....first dance, first kiss, so many firsts...

The soul is healed by being with children. ~Fyodor Dostoevsky~

Family....

When you look at your life, the greatest happinnesses are family happinesses. ~Joyce Brothers~

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. ~Confucius

Stay a child while you can be a child. ~Stephen Sondheim~

Fairness....

The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life's essential unfairness. ~Nancy Mitford~

Our First Memory

The first time Olivia was sick I made Joe set up the portable crib in our bedroom. While we were sleeping I started to hear her cough and reached over and smacked Joe on the back to get up and check on her....He, literally, levetated off of the bed, somehow landed on two feet, checked on her, and came back into bed the same way he got out...I looked at him and said, "Did you seriously just do that?" Right then and there we realized we were parents and nothing would ever be the same...