The Book of Tells (Peter Collett)[unlocked]

THE BOOK OF TELLS not

THE BOOK OF TELLS not because they want to leave. During a party, for example, a guest might turn to the hostess and say, 'I'm sorry we have to leave so early, but we promised the babysitter we'd be home by eleven o'clock.' • CONTINUITY TALK. People try to reassure each other by projecting their relationship into the future. When they say goodbye to someone they say things like, 'See you soon', 'Let's keep in touch' or 'I'll call you next week.' • EVALUATION TALK. People try to protect their relationship by expressing their gratitude to the person they're leaving. When they leave a social gathering, for example, they tell the host and hostess how much they enjoyed the evening. Similarly, when they bump into an old schoolfriend and are saying goodbye, they often express their pleasure with remarks like, 'It's good to see you again.' There's often a lot of pressure on departing guests to exaggerate their appreciation, especially when they've heard other guests telling the host and hostess how much they enjoyed the evening. They feel (a) that they should not be outdone by the previous guests, and (b) that they should say something original. This can very rapidly give rise to a form of 'gratitude escalation', where each departing guest feels compelled to produce a more florid expression of thanks than his or her predecessor. Mark Knapp captures the situation thus: Take, for example, the final moments of a cocktail party. Several guests are lined up ahead of you saying goodbye to the hostess; you hear each guest preceding you say 192

GREETING TELLS something like: 'Cynthia, we've had a great time. It was so much fun. Thanks a lot. . .' Now it's your turn. Because of the attending farewells preceding you, you may be forced to add emphasis which you may not feel, but which is demanded lest you be seen as unoriginal and unappreciative. Hence you boom out with: 'Cynthia . . . just fantastic! I can't remember when I had a better time. You and Zeke must come over to our house sometime.' Later, as your wife questions the wisdom of your spontaneous invitation, you discover that you yourself aren't sure why you extended the invitation in the first place. 13 During a parting ritual people often move away from each other and then back again. If you watch people saying goodbye, you'll notice how one of them takes a step back, or several paces away from the other person, and then returns to their former position, sometimes repeating this process a number of times. This is the 'yo-yo phenomenon'. It's very common in spaces that encourage this kind of movement, and where the participants aren't under any pressure to leave in a hurry. If you watch people chatting on the street you'll often see one or both of them moving away and then back again as a prelude to leaving altogether. Some years ago, when I was watching people in the centre of Oxford, I recorded one couple that made a total of seventeen moves away from each other before they finally separated! On the surface the 'yo-yo phenomenon' looks like a bad case of indecision - or a theatrical fausse sortie, where an actor pretends to exit and then returns immediately to the stage. But it's neither; it's the consequence of closure signals and relationship signals 193