Friday, September 16, 2005

One month today

The incubus is due one month today. I'm feeling a mix of excitement (I am so pleased we haven't found out if its a boy or girl) and realistic dread (about the crying, the sore boobs, establishing feeding, the sleep deprivation, the crying, the wobbly post-baby belly that takes me so long to .... well, I've never gotten rid of it really so, I guess I can put that worry in a bubble, the crying, the sleep deprivation, the crying, oh, the CRYING) stirred by a big crazy spoon of "I can't believe we're doing this again". I must say I am feeling less 'stressed' about going back to baby land - in that I know all of those things I'm dreading will pass. This is a huge indication of progress as when you have kids close together like Oscar and Felix, you don't have time to recover and so the sense of completing fucking up your life is at times so oppressive, so suffocating, so depressing you don't ever think you'll surface. At least now I look at the boys and know that it gets better and in fact, it gets fun. Who would have thought.Now just to get through the next three years with some semblance of sanity (thanks to undoubtedly lots of therapy and a return once more to my little white happy pills) . . .

2 Comments:

A) you know it gets better;b) you know there are happy pills;c) you know what? it's your turn to get THAT baby: you know, the one who sleeps 10 hours the first night you bring her (I'm voting for a her) home from hospital and for six nights out of seven for the next year, by which time she is changing her own nappies, making her own breakfast and keeping her older brothers in line because you know WHAT?? She's going to be your THIRD child and she will be genetically programmed to be SELF-SUFFICIENT.

of course, the Evil Twin is technically our third child, by one minute and, well, self-sufficiency isn't always everything it's cracked up to be...

I now acknowledge the amazing empowering power of hindsight. And medication.

I so know its my turn for THAT baby. Here's the go - last night, the period pain-like sensations were so strong I was like, 'holy fuck, I might be whinging a lot, but I'm not that ready!'

Thankfully this morning they seem to have abated and I think I can put it all down to wind. Don't you love the female form.

If the ET is technically your third, I am now afraid, very afraid. That child has a world dominator trapped inside of her - and at this point, its all conveyed through those eyes. God forbid the power once she hits school, let alone puberty.

The amount of inutero activity the incubus engages in (ie, all.the.time.) is making me nervous. Maybe 'it' will come out so exhausted from the daily gymnastics of the last nine months it will have no choice but to sleep...