One of my exes was a compulsive liar and another was a body shamer. Both were cowards. Every so often I try to imagine what it would have been like bringing them home to meet my family and I cringe.

zero isn't perfect (neither am I) but he just has it. He knows what works best for the occasion and for my different family members, and me, and he never has to be anything other than who he is and he never wants me to be anything other than who I am.

Trump needs to lose in 2020 so I can marry this man (zero, not Trump).

I think I must generally suck at being a person or communicating, or come across as always angry/sad/depressed/needy/something. Without fail, whenever I'm looking for sympathy or gentle words of encouragement, I tend to get responses that indicate I'm coming across as much more desperate/sad/angry/whatever than I actually am and/or I'm given advice. All I want is a "That sucks." or "Sorry to hear that." That's it. I'm at least a little smart. I don't need fixes. Especially obvious ones. Just a little acknowledgement that while others have it s*** tons worse, I'm allowed a little exhaustion or annoyance.

With that said, I get one weekend off between now and November because of staffing shortages and work trips (these are never as fun to me as people make them out to be, so why they don't count air travel as the stressful thing it is is beyond me). I'm tired already.

I am, however, really tired of miscommunications, misinterpretations, slights, etc. that suggest I am not a pleasant person, even when (especially?) I do it to myself and deserve it. I am feeling so easily triggered these days and I just...feel like I can't anymore. Or, I never really could be part of the bigger fabric of the world, not well or naturally, and now, after spending so much time and energy trying to be less of an awful person, I just don't have the energy anymore. And Pweb has never been shielded from the ugly parts of me, and sometimes it was okay and sometimes, not so much. But that sort of short-tempered, highly emotional side of me doesn't fly in the real world. And I'm tired. I want to take my boyfriend, my dogs, my family (the ones I like at the moment) and run off to an island where I can be an awful person but loved anyway.

Gravity Defier wrote:Can you apply and defer for a year if accepted but you determine you need a break?

Good luck with the decision.

Thank you~

I'll have the summer off regardless, when I've been working through them up to now. But that's kind of why I can apply; I plowed through so many credits and requirements in the first 2 years that I'll be finishing my undergrad early, and I'll have a year of my GI Bill left over. It was a no-brainer, having half the master's program covered financially, when I can cover the second half easily with what I've saved and with a part-time TA spot. But I'm still nervous about the application, and if I don't get in I don't really have concrete plans. If I do, will I be ready? I mean I'll be graduating with ~3.6 but this is a different animal.

Yesterday I got a message that my pregnant sister wasn't feeling well and went to the hospital. They found she was going into labor at only about 5 months. They couldn't stop it and so she delivered, and it was a foregone conclusion the baby would not survive. She and her husband had been trying for awhile to get pregnant, but her health was not good enough it seemed. She worked very hard to be healthy enough to have a baby. She is devastated and her husband is numb, and the family is out of sorts. He was 21 weeks, about a month shy of the possibility of extraordinary measures saving him. I can't imagine what's she's going through and I'm just... There's nothing I can do.

I'm so tired. 11 days off from work but 3 were travel days (the longest was 19 hours between the two stops) and 6 were split between two families.

Just 2 to be at home and relax.

I'm going to burn out from life.

Also, just had zero help me move our bed and while it opened up the room, it also made it more likely we'll both bump heads on our slanted ceiling. If we had a different bed frame, this would be less of an issue but those are pretty expensive. Cheaper to just move it back. I'll give it 'til the weekend, though, to be sure.

I was talking about this place last the other day, and thought I'd take a stroll around the old neighborhood.

Sending out love to everyone. Hoping you are all happy and well.

love, me

you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant