July 26, 2010

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Husband Duhamel Blames Alcoholism For Not Connecting DotsSooner/Marrying Butterface .Hollywood, CA (CHN):
Los Angeles County Animal Control Chief Marcia Mayeda landed a big one
this Sunday. Mayeda had been tracking Stacy Ferguson, aka 'Fergie', for
6 years at a cost of 8.2 million dollars to county taxpayers. The elusive Chupacabre (Spanish origin nickname meaning 'goat sucker') has been feared by farmers, children, and back up dancers for far too long according to Mayeda. The
daring capture of the bloodthirsty pop star should finally bring an
'end to nearly 20 years of maulings throughout Central and Latin
America'. The attacks have reportedly claimed 1000's of farm animals
ranging from turkeys in Texas to goats in Colombia and Puerto Rico.

The killing and mutilation of both domestic and wild fauna had puzzled biologists for decades. Ferguson's husband, Josh Duhamel, admitted to TMZ
that he was suspicious of "Fergie's late night disappearances and blood
stained teeth... among other things." After visiting a caged and
sedated Ferguson at the Baldwin Park Animal Control Shelter, Duhamel
opened up to reporters admitting that: "It seemed like Fergie was
always sort of a lone wolf; but I never realized that she was actually
a literal lone wolf.

Rumors
had swirled for years that Fergie was very likely the actual Chupacabra
because of dental records and the fact that Ferguson checked herself
into a treatment center for the ritualistic stalking and murder of warm
blooded creatures by means of 'exsanguination' (death from bleeding out) . Remaining doubters have been directed by Animal Control to read the Wikipedia description of the murderous beast which makes the case against Fergie airtight: "...
a reptile-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray
skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back. This form stands
approximately 3 to 4 feet high, and stands and hops in a similar
fashion to a kangaroo. It is said to have a dog or panther-like nose
and face, a forked tongue, and large fangs. It is said to hiss and
screech when alarmed, as well as leave behind a sulfuric stench. When
it screeches, some reports assert that the Chupacabra's eyes glow an
unusual red which gives the witnesses nausea.

Animal
Control Trapper Dave Negretti said that "given the description it was
just a matter of time before we singled out and lured Fergie into a
trap (set with live pigs and sheep) just outside of her Hollywood Hills
home. After listening to her last album "The Dutchess" and
reviewing upcoming tour dates...there really wasn't a moment to spare."
Negretti believes that LA country taxpayers can "breath easier" knowing
that the cost of bringing Fergie to justice "was a bargain when
considering LA County's other investments in capturing Cryptids such as
the Yeti, Bigfoot, and the Loch Ness Monster. Those hunts have yielded
no return to date despite very promising leads at Queen Latifah's
estate."

The
Black Eyed Peas issued a group statement via Twitter: "Although we
technically lose no talent following the loss of Fergie as a
contributor, we realize that we will immediately need a blond with the
qualified T & A to guarantee future pop success and the
stereotypical racial balance that America demands."