Sister visiting and dealing with CO mother

BG: my mother, really more like ED, cut off a little over 3 years ago. Not the first time, but this time I decided I was going to handle it differently. When she CO before, I totally did a rug sweep when she got sick and "needed" me to come to her side. This current CO happened a month before my wedding and was brought on bc I asked her not to wear white in our wedding (she went out and bought a dress that was white and seriously thought this was ok). She showed up for our wedding and didn't speak to me at all the entire day. She didn't even smile in our pictures, something I found out 6 weeks later when I was looking through them.

I reache out a few times since then just telling her my new address as we moved a few times since getting married. I have talked to her once since then. When my bio father died last summer, she called saying she had "news to tell me". I already knew as the hospital called me a couple days before. She found out in the newspaper. I know this was her attempt to rug sweep again and I wasn't going to do it. She hated the man and she's been a crap mother to me so it's not like she was calling to see how I was. We talked for a little bit about events surrounding the wedding and I ended up crying a lot bc I hate he person she is, and then ended the conversation with her by saying I wasn't going to continue talkng and if she wants a relationship I will meet her somewhere with a professional counselor and we can go from there. I don't want to continue in the relationship unless there are changes. She said counseling is "not her thing" and she's resigned herself to not ever knowing our children, if we have any.

FF: LO was born late spring and my sister and nephew are coming to visit us next month. They live with my mother, always have. Sis got pregnant in HS and struggled to get her life together. She depended a lot on our mother and mother soaks it up bc it gives her someone to control. I've never depended on mother since I left home bc I knew it always came with LOTS of strings attached.

Sister has finally made steps towards independence. She finished her associates, has a full time job with benefits. She wants to move out bc it's time and also bc mother and husband (her 3rd, not either of our father) are moving out of the area and she's doesn't want to go with them.

Well mother has in sisters terms "lost it." I don't know what that means but sister says she is packing up her stuff and doesn't know where she will go but she's leaving. She said she might just put in storage until she can figure it out.

I told sister if she needs to delay this trip to figure leg out it's perfectly fine and we totally understand. I wouldn't put it past mother to throw her stuff out of the house while she's away. I have a feeling part of the reason mother has "lost it" is bc sister is coming to visit me. Mother has always had the policy that if she doesn't like someone, then you can't like them either.

I don't know what to do to be supportive of sister. I've never shared with sister how I really feel about mother and her actions over the years bc I didn't want sister to feel put in the middle and I didn't want to be like our mother (dumping is one of her favorite things to do!). Also, I've always kept an open door for sister to visit but never pushed or expected it bc I understand that she needed my mother and I know how mother will punish if you go against her.

I feel like sister visiting now is a bad idea but I don't feel like it's my place to tell sister what to do. I just want her and DNe to be ok and for their life to have stability and I recognize that they need time to figure things out. Please advise and I can answer questions if necessary.

Comments (7)

I'm new to this but maybe you can be a support to her if your ED does kick her out. Find some resources like low income housing in her aria. Then let her know that there is help out there and give her the information.

My two cents:
Postpone the visit until your sister gets it all figured...

Posted
07/29/2014

My two cents:

Postpone the visit until your sister gets it all figured out.

I think your sister was hinting to live with you. If she visits, what happens if she decides she isn't leaving and your home is now her home.

You can have a relationship without your mom, but if Sis lives with your mom, then she is dependent on her to an extent and there will always be issues.

Oh - and OP - CO means that person is DEAD to you and therefore does not exist. You don't reach out or give out your new address to dead people.

Thanks for the input. Confident that sister doesn't plan to live with me or would even try. She wouldn't leave her son in another state and his father would never allow him to move that far away. Also our home is not open for her to move in. Her next step needs to be a place of her own and she has expressed that she wants to make that step.

And to clarify, I know what a CO is...mother cut me off but I've always kept the door open in case she decides to get emotionally healthy. When I've sent my new address it's nothing more than the standard card that everyone else on my mailing list gets. I realize it's me holding onto hope that she could one day change.