Friday, January 29, 2010

I had a conference on the far south side of Chicago, on a day that the high is 15 degrees, and on my way home, I saw a guy on the street in a Statue of Liberty costume dancing around trying to get peoples attention to buy something. You may think your job sucks some days, but at least you're not that guy.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Today, Dr. Ken is off to the IHOP to work on his second play with his writing buddies. I have to whip up a couple pages of dialog because I told them I would, so it's time to get into the characters and try to get funny. Wish me luck . . .

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

As I was walking through the parking lot on my way to work (I work in a school) on this bitter-cold day, I saw a Vietnamese mother walking her three or four daughters into the building, and mom bent over and shot huge snot rockets out of each nostril in succession.

Monday, January 25, 2010

They sat in a metal tin, they all had fifty legs a piece, they kind of looked like cockroaches, and I swear I saw one of them move.

I walked back to my table, hoping that no stowaway crawdads jumped onto my plate, and I heard one guy say to another, "What about The Joshua Tree? Do you have that one? That's my favorite." This was weird not because this particular one was his favorite because it's like likely a lot of people's favorite, but because he said it in a way that suggested that he thought maybe his dining partner had never heard of this disc - the one with "With or Without You," "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," and "Where the Streets Have No Name." Yeah. That one. Who hasn't heard of that one? U2 is the equivalent of Matt Damon to me: I like them, but I have an irrational hatred towards them. That's too strong. I do hate Matt Damon, mostly because he has to be a genius in every movie, but that's for another blog. U2 I don't hate - I just don't dig on them too much. I admit they're good, they're important, but I just don't dig.

If someone told me that I could pay $75 for a mid level U2 ticket or $7.99 for a so-so China Buffet, I'm taking egg rolls and pot stickers every time, I'm drizzling sweet and sour sauce on those bitches like its syrup over flap jacks, and I'm getting me some hot tea and a sugar cookie, maybe even some soft served ice cream.

Yes U2 is good. Yes they have managed to make albums that don't suck even when they got old. But no I don't choose an evening with Bono over supper with General Tso. Sorry, but I'm not going to go see U2 at The Garden when I can just as easily get Lo Mein at the strip mall.

This could quite possibly be the most pointless blog I've ever written, but I'm over-tired, restless, and full of rooster sauce.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I had tons of groceries in my trunk packed into four huge, re-usable, eco friendly bags. As I wrapped a bag around both arms and grabbed the other two in each hand, I started in with the English accent . . .

Announcer 1: "Gancey Van Gancerson is one of the most mammoth men you'll come across, and the Grocery Carry, although an event he usually excels at, is going to prove difficult with the nagging injuries he sustained in the Pickle Jar Opening. It looks like he has a solid grip upon those bags, each weighing at least three stones. He looks as if he's in severe pain, but he has a quality waddle going.

Announcer 2: Why the waddle, Jim?

Announcer 1 (Jim?): It helps shift the weight so that the knees don't feel like they're going right into Old Gancey's shins, and, oh, we have a dog walker coming, and he's not going to get out of the way!

Announcer 2: Yes, but couldn't he just set them down or swerve out of the way?

Jimbo: Are you shitting me? If he sets them down, he's pussing out, but if he maneuvers around them, that's extra steps out of his way that he can ill afford to take at this stage. And, oh, yes, he's giving the dog walker a sorry look, as if moving would be, and, yes, he's home free now!

Announcer 2: So, he's going to set them down at the steps?

Jimbo: No way!!! This is where we separate the men from the boys in the Strongest Everyman contest. He's looking good . . . Oh, he may tip over and send cans of spaghettiOs flying everywhere . . .

Announcer 2: He eats those? What is he? 5?

Jimbo: And he's leveled it out and made it to the door! What an effort! Just listen to this crowd. He's certainly a showman and a crowd pleaser!

Announder 2: This is stupid. Why didn't he just make 2 trips?

Jimbo: Because, asshole, that would be missing the whole point . . . you know, I just don't know why you announce this thing if you're just going to shit all over it . . .

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I'm going to be writing an article for Starpulse.com in which I talk about (make fun of) the TV show, Little Miss Perfect. I want to know what you think, if you could leave me some insights in the comments, but here's what I think so far:

1. The moms and dads of these kids are really demanding. You always hear about asshole dads making their sons shoot a million freethrows, or whatever, what about a mom I saw the other night making her obviously already tired daughter practice her routine over-and-over, and then saying, "just 15 more and you can go to bed." The worst part about it is that the father and little son had to stay up and watch too. Maybe that wasn't the worst part, but I was just picturing myself being one of those two.

2. It's sick and wrong that they dress these little girls up with clothes and makeup that make them look 11 years older. And whores. What's worse, sometimes they dance like whores too. Are they trying to get their kids molested, or worse, killed like JonBenet Ramsey?

3. How funny is that host? How is it that he's better at prancing around than all these girls?

Monday, January 18, 2010

A blog buddy of mine, Grant Miller Media, has done some funny posts about which web searches are leading to hits to his site, and it got me curious about what people are looking for when they find my site, apparently ranked number 12,440,042 most popular in the free world!

8. Try the Veal. Are people searching to see who said that, only to find that it's just a general phrase that comedians would say, and now people trying unsuccessfully to be funny say it? What comedy clubs served veal, anyway?

7. Edward 40's Hands. Yes! It's comforting to know that this awful drinking game sure to make people puke is bringing folks to my site.

6. Tour De Franzia So, this slightly classier (?) drinking game appears to be slightly edging out the former one, at least among the eleven people who come to my page a week.

5. Urban Sombrero. People looking for information on the Seinfeld episode with this apparel were not likely to find what they were looking for in this now embarrassing to me, slightly misogynist post.

4. Text in Blankets. This is the only one where I wasn't sure which post of mine it was meant for, and it turns out it's the one where I bitch about people sending blanket text messages on holidays. It must be one of those things that pisses people off but there's not much on the web about it.

3. Who said crappola Apparently I've used the word crappola in three different posts, making me a decent answer for 'who said crappola?'

2. Gancers. What's odd is that the plural form of Gancer has never been used on here, yet it still comes in at number two, somehow.

1. Jeff Galuli. The people who searched the most for my site were looking for Jeff Gillooly, only I spelled the name wrong in the comments section of this post I did years ago. I'm thinking that this was just some guy named Jeff Galuli who searched his own name a few times, wondering why people laughed and thought of crowbars and ice skaters when they heard his name.

Also, before I forget, Beck Eye over at The Pop Eye was the winner of my caption contest, and because I'm broke and can't afford to give a good prize, I told her I would give a plug to her site. She does an awesome job updating regularly, and she has an insane knowledge of pop culture and today's music. Also we recently figured out that we are both unpaid writers for Starpulse.com. There, Beck Eye, that should get you eleven more hits on your site this month.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Anyone watch that crap, The Jersey Shore? We were talking at work today about what type of idiot calls himself The Situation, and I started singing "you're the Situation" to the tune of Chicago's "You're the Inspiration." Try it. It's a good time

So, right now my two writing partners are across the street getting cash, and I'm in the corner booth at The International House of pancakes - the corner booth so that I can rip off WiFi from Popeye's Chicken, which was a great tip by the waitress. I'd like to put in the liner notes of the play we write together, "This play was conceived in a booth at The International House of Pancakes, just like Dr. Ken, 33 years ago today!

Thursday, January 07, 2010

I got thinking about how people still smoke cigarettes even though it says right on the package that it will kill you and kill your baby, and it got me wondering if maybe they should go beyond just putting the warning on the label and actually use the death to sell smokes.

Let me know what you think about an ad like this . . .These things kill you, yes, everyone knows that, but is that really so bad? Aging is sucky and depressing. I mean, have you seen really old people? Oh, yeah, but that won't be you because you don't smoke, and you eat lots of soy and no read meat and stuff. Yeah, you're going to be ripped like Jack Lalanne when you're old. Give me a break! You'll be a decrepit old coot, and you'll wished you had smoked while you were young and looked cool like the Marlboro Man. You enjoy the deterioration of your body, and we'll keep looking cool and die young like all the people who have mattered in this country.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

The Internet has killed the notion of simply wondering things. I used to lie in bed and say, "I wonder what ever became of Pete Willis, original lead guitar player for Def Leppard . . . " I'd wonder things like that, and I'd concoct stories in my head as to the possibilities. Maybe he became a roadie or a junkie, or maybe he was a junkie/roadie who had to become what he feared becoming the most: a guitarist for a Def Leppard cover band. Not anymore do I wonder such things. Not for long. Now I can look it up and have an answer instantly, and I always do - on the internet. I can't sleep until I've looked it up, and there are times where I will reach over for the lap top two or three times to look up dumb things I just have to know to rest at ease.

By wondering, we could formulate guesses at things, come up with our own ideas, and this is what people did thousands of years ago. This is what man did when he stared into the sky at the stars and tried to figure out what they were, like, "Uh, those three shiney ones there? That's part of a guy named Orion, a hunter, and he killed lions and stuff. Those three, they're his friggin' belt cause he's an ass kicker. He used to whip lions with that belt, and Metallica thought that was a badass move, so they wrote an eight minute plus instrumental about him." That's how we wrote stories - we made shit up. Now, now we log on to wikigoddamnpedia.com, get our answer, and go back to our boring lives, knowing everything under the sun and thus, we're wholly uncreative bores.

It's also killed the notion of the guy you call who knows lots of useless stuff - the Argument Settler. There were those times where your friend insisted on being right about something you know is wrong, such as Eric Clapton writing "I Shot the Sheriff**," or J.R. was shot by Patrick Duffy, and you know he's wrong, but he just doesn't believe you. The only guy who could convince him he's dead wrong was the Argument Settler. So, you called up The Settler, figured out what's what, and drank free beer bought by your dumb friend cause he was wrong and dumb. You never need to call me, I mean, that guy, anymore cause now that guy is The Internet, and everyone is getting stinking drunk off drinks bought from scores settled by Mr. Internet, and no one is storing any of the information away themselves, like so many dumb-dumbs who can't find their way around in their cars without Mapquest.

Anyone with me here, or am I just getting a case of the butter-churners/barn raisers?________________________________*He now runs a property management business in Sheffield, England.**I had a friend who actually thought this, and after showing him a CD that said Marley wrote the thing, he still was not convinced. No information superhighway or phoning any friend, even Clapton himself, could have set this ding-dong straight.

I was watching Top 100 80's One Hit Wonders on Vh1, and these ones really stood out. As always, remember to hit pause on the music player along the left side before hitting play on the videos.

"Under the Milky Way" by The Church. This song is so moody and beautiful.

"Lunatic Fringe" by Red Rider. I've always loved this song, but it's one of those songs that sounds shittier once you see the video. So, I'm going to find a youtube without the piss poor video. That way maybe you'll like it too. This song always makes me think of the film Vision Quest (1985) starring Matthew Modine as a high school wrestler doing a slightly older woman in Linda Fiorentino. The soundtrack also had "Crazy for You" by Madonna and "Only the Young" by Journey. But, who of you remembers that the lead singer of Red Rider was Tom Cochrane who would have a shittier song that was a hit in the early 1990's, "Life Is a Highway?"

"Boom Boom Boom (Let's Go Back To My Room)" by Paul Lekakis. This poor fellow had a monster drug habit, started prostiting himself, and now he has AIDS. I never would have thought of this song again had it not been for this special. This one holds up . . . not at all. It sucks, and I can't believe I liked it, but I was only like 11-years-old, so we'll let it slide.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

BLOOMINGTON, Ill. (AP) — Bloomington's Miller Park Zoo has raised $20,884 this holiday season selling necklaces and ornaments made from reindeer droppings.The zoo had such success last year selling Christmas ornaments made of the reindeer droppings that they started making jewelry this year. The droppings are dime-sized, dehydrated, sterilized and spray-painted with glitter. They're called "Magical Reindeer Gems."

The Miller Park Zoological Society says this year they made about 300 necklaces and more than 2,000 ornaments. Society spokeswoman Susie Ohley says the money will go to help the city-owned zoo.

The last ornaments were sold Sunday, but Ohley says the items will be available in the zoo gift shop again next year.

Copyright 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Would if reindeer could reason and talk? What do you think they'd have to say about humans turning their poop into jewelry and selling it to other stupid humans?