would you be mad at this?

DH and I agreed an amount of what we could afford in a change to his maintenance due to change of job and much lower income. He is dire with money BTW and for years I've bailed him out several times,but never learns I've even taken his bank card off him so he doesn't go over his overdraft

Not a great relationship with dss always texting and asking for money and he obliges. He never discusses it with me and everything is sneeky and behind my back. Our wages and money are our household income and we should discuss and agree these things I think.

We are going on on Hols soon we agree for me to pay hol and for him to provide the spending money, he's very OD at the bank again so now I've got to use my wages for spending money, which is going to leave us very tight for the next couple of months also I worked loads last month extra as we have lots if bills coming up to pay

I've just found out again by accident he's given hundred pounds out to the dss, I'm gobsmacked

I meant to add that I felt betrayed, deceived, marginalised, ganged up on, humiliated - to name but a few , by both of them. It is really the deceit that hurts more than the money itself as many of you have said.

The OP is about bunging the SS money directly though , nothing to do with maintenance or payments to fund or maintain a certain standard of life. The SS just contacts his dad from what I can gather when he 'fancies' having an extra hundred pound spending money etc. I think this is entirely different.Reminds me of the time I looked out of our front bedroom window one day to see non resident SS furtively lifting up our milk bottle holder and getting a little packet from under it and then off he went without even knocking. Turns out he had rang his dad at work to ask to 'borrow' (in the loose sense of the word as it is never paid back) £60 to pay his mobile phone bill. DH had agreed but knew I wouldn't !, hence the money left in pre-arranged place so mean old step-mummy me wouldn't know.To say I was angry on so many levels is an understatement.

We keep spreadsheets to track our money , many years ago I used Microsoft money so I could see a breakdown of my spending and realise if I was overspending in one area. I am sure there must be an app that does the same.

I find a bit like food, if I have to write or track everything , I eat or spend less.

OP, it's not just isolated to the monetary gifts to DSS, right? I mean, he has broader issues about money management, I gather?

Maybe this is the first front on which to wage battle. Putting the other issues aside at the moment, this kind of financial irresponsibility is quite serious and damaging to the relationship even where things are otherwise positive (I have a really lovely husband who is totally crap when it comes to money). Can you get him to acknowledge this, take it seriously, and agree to do something about it? Maybe a sort of financial boot camp? Perhaps starting with a visit to a financial advisor? I'm not sure, but I suspect there may be free advice centres? (There is also the Money Advice Services - https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/ ) Barring that, would he - if he could be made to see that you are putting your foot down - agree to "austerity measures", and let you manage all the finances, on a temporary basis?

I'm afraid that this is one of those situations where if he doesn't want to change, then all you can really do is protect yourself from the effects as much as possible - which at the least, means separate and ring-fenced finances. And that would mean some unpleasant choices - like maybe saying "ok, you don't have your share for the holiday, so it's off", or "sorry you don't like the food we have in the house, but our budget has shrunk"...it's not fair to you to have to go without because he can't manage his money - but on the other hand, as long as he knows you will make up the difference, he may not get the message.

Aris, you have an amazing set up. I agree when I've had my kids, I consider the ones here first and how things would change for them before I would decide to have another or make any other big changes.

All the best with the baby.

Op, its the lies I couldn't stand. Surely he understands that lies destroy trust. If you're short I would try to let him give you control of the accounts. Is he like this about spending in all areas of his life not just his son?

As I said I do not mind people disagreeing with me , as a rather vulgar , loud parenting and common upstart most people on here disagree with most of my decisions . In fact when people agree with me I start to question myself

I just think saying that my children are treated as inferior to my stepson and that I let this happen is a little below the belt . As is telling my that I deserve better than my rather fabulous husband .

This is actually quite hurtful to have a gang of strange women turn on me and accuse my husband of not respecting me, especially when I am pregnant .Aris, no one is ganging up on you. You posted some stuff that other posters disagreed with. You yourself have said several times that you didn't mean any deliberate offense, but simply disagree. And no one has suggested that you are not entitled to disagree! But you can't then cry 'poor me' because we, in turn, express our own views and disagree with you. I think you should be aware that your post to the OP could itself be seen as quite hurtful. I have no interest in criticizing your own life choices - but yes, I have certainly criticized your advice because I think it is wrong-headed and unworkable for most people, and because I think it came across as judging the OP (and then others), rather than helping her.

His son, and his ex though. Why would anyone settle with a person with children who sees their ex more important than them, purely because they are the mother/father of their child? I wouldn't. The whole "first" family and "second" family thing I find so distasteful. I define our family as "Family", not "second family", or "subsequent family".

I have not said my family is second best, I have said that when I first settled down with my husband his son was more important than me.

I have actually said a number of times that all of our children are equal. However before having any more children we considered how it would affect the ones that already existed and dissuaded it with the mother of our stepson - if she was affected.

But it is controversial, particularly on a board like this, when you state that his previous commitments are more important. So you're saying you and him both believe the 'first family' is more important than the 'second family.'

It seems, from this thread at least, that you're happy with your position as second best - and if it works for you, that's fine - but you find it hard to accept that many other women wouldn't tolerate it.

Add message | Report | Message poster Arisbottle Mon 05-Aug-13 11:32:37As I said the dishonesty would annoy me. When I met my husband, I had to support him because he was supporting his ex and son, I made that choice to settle down with a man who had a previous more important commitment and therefore chose to make sacrifices.

This is my second post, I don't think it is controversial or inflammatory to say that when you settle down with a man who has children that you will have to make sacrifices. Over time his love for you will grow but at the start of a relationship the children must take priority.

I apologised above if my wording was inflammatory, and restated what I meant, if people choose to read otherwise I can't do much about that.

I have not told anyone that their children are second class citizens and yet I have been told that is how I am treating my own children . I have not questioned anyone else's marriage but others have mine.

This is exactly why I don't post on here very often, despite being a step parent.

I can't believe this is still being dragged out. I have not said everyone should live as I do, I was sharing my experiences , as people do on here. I said that I thought people should be able to provide for the children they have before having any more, whether this is in a traditional nuclear family or a step family. I don't think that is controversial. I have said that it is a good idea to get along. Again not that controversial. I have said that if a couple have a child together they have made a life long commitment to parent that child together, even if the relationship fails.

I have not sacrificed any life goals, we don't keep another woman and I had less maternity leave than I would have liked with ONE child, I don't think that is unusual and requires me to be seen as in need or treated badly.

It's not her choices that I am challenging - but her assertion that her way is what others should do - it may have worked for her, but it's not supportive to share it if there is an expectation that the OP can only solve her problem if she does the same.

Sharing experiences can be very supportive; dictating that "your way is the only way" and DCs will suffer if you don't is critical and judgemental.

Arisbottle I have no interests in " trawling" your posts, I simply remember then as standing out as very sad that you've sacrificed your personal goals and your babies early weeks/months to keep another woman

I don't see why people are picking apart Aris's choices. Obviously she has an unusual setup in that they are all friends, but just consider how positive that is for all the children involved? No, not everyone would subscribe to discussing important personal life-changing decisions with their partner's ex. I would certainly not say one should feel obliged to do that- but how lovely that she cared enough about her dss to do just that. She was not forced to do it, it was done entirely of her own volition. Again very unusual, but what she has achieved is harmony within her extended family which creates a stress-free environment, avoiding all the day-to-day battles with steps and exes that we all have to face.

Everyone on this thread has expressed a valid point, but there is no definitive 'wrong' or 'right'. You are certainly in the minority but I can't see that you have behaved anything other than responsibly. Good luck to you!