Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Biggest Loofah

Dear Chuck,

I’ve been seeing a guy for about four weeks and we have just started having sex. When he removed his underwear for the first time I was confronted with the biggest penis I have ever encountered. I must admit I was taken aback but I recalled Madame Boodwah’s advice (http://realitybytes101.blogspot.com/2009/08/beauty-is-in-girth-of-beholder.html) on tackling a well-hung man and besides I was intrigued.

We got down to it and it started to take shape although it never got really hard. He kind if ended up stuffing it in which was somewhat disconcerting but we had drunk a bottle of wine so I put it down to that. He did manage to finish the deed. Anyway, we have had sex a few times since and he has never managed a full erection.

What is going on?

Sheena

Dear Sheena,

What a let down for you! You open the refrigerator crisper hoping to find the freshest and firmest cucumber and instead you end up with a limp and soggy excuse for one. Your vagina is more than likely thanking God that he couldn’t crack a bone but nonetheless, he got your hopes up only to dash them. Totally devastating.

A keen fan of John Holmes would know that even the king of porn suffered from a similar affliction. Despite being blessed with a 13 inch donger, Holmes often struggled to bring the thunder and his co-stars likened intercourse with him to “doing it with a big soft kind of loofah” (Which would probably have been a good thing if they were shooting an anal scene). Some context should be put around this however since Holmes was snorting cocaine every ten minutes, severely impacting his ability to achieve the necessary levels of wood for a money shot.

Now Chuck’s not suggesting that you’re currently dating Pablo Escobar the conquistador of cocaine, but would it hurt to sneakily take a sample of his blood and have it checked out? Fuck knows how you’re going to get him to take a drug test without him knowing, but think of the benefits if you could pull it off! Ok, so Chuck’s not one to leave you hanging so the best way to get a drug test out of him without him knowing is to either payoff someone at the Red Cross and then tell him that you’re a social crusader who gives blood regularly and that it would be cool if he did it as well. The downside to this is that at least once a month you’ll have to perform some wanky altruistic act like marching through a national park picking up rubbish to keep up the ruse.

Or, you could tell him that you hate using connies and that if he gets a STD and drug test you’ll allow him to plough you rubber free. Most guys will cut off their left arm for the pleasure of the no condom root so you’re definitely on a winner here. Make sure you get the test done on a Saturday morning since cocaine goes out of the system fairly quickly and you’ll need to pin him down close to a potential use date. If he comes back clean and you have to go on the pill, enjoy the weight gain and moodiness coupled with his semi aroused trouser snake.

If it turns out that he isn’t contributing 1/3rd of Columbia’s Gross Domestic Product, then what on earth is causing his inability to snap off a rock solid boner? Well age may be a contributing factor. You didn’t indicate whether or not you were dating a senior citizen but as the ads will tell you, as you get older there is less sizzle in your sausage – why on earth do you think there are so many old timers knocking off beers at their local pubs at 11am during the week? Drowning their sorrows at not being able to pop a fattie! If your boyfriend is getting on in the years, you may need to knock him up a Viagra smoothie and see if that rights the ship.

Other problems like diabetes; kidney disease or alcoholism can cause erectile problems. If you notice him scarfing M&Ms and washing it down with a beer that may be your answer. Additionally smoking and being overweight can cause a bloke to have crankshaft issues. What a killer combo: an obese alcoholic smoker – you’ve stumbled into mister right!

Chuck would like to believe that your man couldn’t get a screamer because he is hung like a Shetland pony. It sounds so much more romantic than some of these other bullshit afflictions. However, before we progress, we should also consider that his inability to get a marble bar might be some psychological issue like stress, anxiety or guilt. Perhaps you are particularly frail and he is freaking out over the possibility of tearing you in half! If it is psychological, you’ve only been dating 4 weeks or so (unless you failed to mention that you’re devoutly religious and 4 weeks ago was your wedding night), so give it another crack with a lot of encouragement and if that doesn’t work, kick him to the curb. You don’t want to be fucking a mental midget.

There is the remote possibility that he isn’t that interested in you but Chuck is going to discount this for 2 reasons: 1) you only just started seeing each other so if he wasn’t attracted to you he wouldn’t have tried to chop and 2) Chuck has never met an unattractive Sheena.

Chuck has done a cursory 15 minute search online for other possible causes and cant really find anything other than people writing in to say that they are 10 inches long and 7 inches in diameter and they hurt their partner if they penetrate too deep. So either Chuck’s search ability has diminished or the problems listed above are the main causes for your mans flaccidity.

HOWEVER!

Since Chuck is always here to help, his web-based research did find a cure:

A Mechanical vacuum device!

This contraption causes erection by creating a partial vacuum, which draws blood into the penis, engorging and expanding it. Jump on EBay post haste and get one in the mail as soon as humanly possible. After your next dinner date gets a little hot and heavy, tell him that you want to role-play. You play the parched stranded desert explorer; he plays the well that needs to be pumped!

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About Me

Date gone wrong? Can’t decipher what a guy/girl is trying to say? Not sure where you're going wrong and need an honest opinion? Or are just in need of a laugh at the expense of other's stupidity?
This could be the place for you...Reality Bytes
Born out of repeated tales of confused women actually beginning to lower their standards in order to accept the bizarre mating rituals of their male suitors, Reality Bytes seeks to provide insight, merriment and to break down some truly confounding behaviour.
The two purveyors of truth are:
Madame Boodwah - a woman of the world who has beaten a worn path in her travels around the block.
and
Chuck Long - a successfully married gent with a PhD in translating man speak.