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I’m Going To Have A Black Friday Sale For My Emotions

It’s almost Black Friday, which means that consumerism will run rampant and that the joy of Christmas will be trampled to death. To combat this, I’ve decided to hold a Black Friday sale for my emotions. You won’t leave with an Xbox One or a new lawnmower, but you will take home a little piece of my wonderful soul.

I’ll be having a Buy-One, Get-One-Free sale on all complicated questions about my relationship with my extended family.

If you go to my website, you can get a coupon that entitles you to %20 off on all long conversations about how I still feel aimless after college.

For you bargain hunters out there, make sure that you take advantage of the What-Could’ve-Beens. I’ve marked them down to $9.99. That’s right. The “I guess we just wanted different things, Brittany…” that was once $17.99 is now going for $9.99!

Also, if you find any examples of an inability to cope with a constantly shifting emotional state that are priced lower than mine, I will MATCH THEM.

If you come in at 6 PM on Thanksgiving, you’ll be my crying shoulder. That’s a moment of infinite value, now absolutely free!

If you own an existing version of a sad letter that I wrote to you, explaining the worries that I had over our decreasing amount of communication, you can upgrade to a current model for just $100!

Make sure that you’re carrying a Rewards card, so that you can get 10% off on all explanations of my current spiritual beliefs.

Remember, we’ll be open twenty-four hours on Black Friday, so sign up for our membership bonus! You’ll get a text saying “Sometimes, I regret walking away like I did,” which means that the sale is really heating up!