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12 May, 2008

Medical Miracle Backfires

The unwitting subject of Longview, Connecticut’s first documented medical miracle, Francis Paine is suing his youth pastor, Richard Finster for “inhumane betrayal of a spiritual trust”. It all began when Francis confided to Richard that he had fallen in love with Cassandra Sweet, lead vocalist in the youth praise band at their church, Beulah Land Assembly of God.

Richard said, “When Francis approached me, I saw this as an opportunity to both encourage a potentially lovely relationship and Francis’ faith. He just needed a little help, a little self-confidence to show her his heart.”

“Cassandra is so, like, sooooo hot, you know?” said Paine. “How do you get a really spiritual person with awesome looks to notice you? She’s so amazing, you know? I wanted her to see the real me but I just couldn’t talk to her.”

That’s when Rev. Finster took matters disastrously into his own hands. “My brother’s a pharmacist,” he said. “I sort of asked him for a milliliter of sodium pentothal. Then, just before our youth group meeting, Francis and I met for a season of prayer after which I mixed the truth serum with holy oil. I prayed Joshua 1:9 over Francis to be strong and courageous to show Cassandra his heart. Then Francis prayed for transparency and I anointed him.”

Accounts diverge over what happened next but all agree that Cassandra didn’t like what she saw...

“Now what am I ‘sposed to do?” Paine wailed. “She won’t even give me a chance, you know? I’m a really caring person but she has a really mistaken impression."