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Part 5: Telling Others About Depression

Our panel on major depression addresses the challenges of talking about depression and offers tips on how to respond to those who open up to you about their condition.

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In this Q&A series, three people with depression and two experts who treat mental health conditions shed light on the daily challenges of managing depression and offer their tips on how to live better with the condition — or to support a loved one. This is the fifth part of the series.

Panel at a Glance:

Mani Garcia-Lesy, 42. Doctoral student at the City University of New York’s Health Psychology and Clinical Science program. Diagnosed with depression at 29.

Q: Whom have you told about your depression? What advice would you give to other people with depression to help them talk about their condition, and to their loved ones to help them respond?

Mani: I am open about my depression. I am part of a movement called the Depression Army, in which people from all walks of life openly discuss their depression, online and in person. Openly talking about depression changes the conversation around it, reducing the stigma and the feeling of being alone with these symptoms. That said, I have received the full gamut of responses, from compassion to camaraderie to oppressive ignorance. I’ve been most disappointed by certain people in the health field who do little to actively change their attitudes and responses to people in their daily lives who have depression.

My advice to those who don’t have depression but live or work with others who do is to really listen to those who are depressed. They are not making things up or exaggerating. Believe them. Then proceed with compassion, allowing what you learned to affect the way you think and act toward that person.

Bianca: Most of my family and friends know, and anyone who looks me up on Twitter can easily figure it out. I take any opportunity I can to teach others what it’s like to live with depression. I have found there are two basic response groups: those who seem to want to understand and help, and those who believe depression is “all in your head.” People who know someone with an “invisible” disability are more likely to understand that depression is a real illness. People with depression sometimes feel as though no one would miss them if they were gone. I know that all I have ever wanted is for someone to care and show it, for someone to say, “What do you need?”

Sara: Overall, I try not to talk about my depression unless I have to. When I was attending my outpatient program, it was a five-day, six-hour commitment, so I told my closest friends. The people closest to me as an adult have been incredibly understanding. Everyone else doesn’t need to know.

As for advice, I would say: Just be patient with people who have depression. Every day is something of a struggle for them. But I would also encourage people who are close to someone with depression — or in a relationship with them — to seek support for themselves too. It takes a toll.

Expert perspectives:

Dr. Appel: One of the great challenges for people with depression is that depression, like all mental illnesses, continues to bear a social stigma. Yet it’s often essential for people to discuss their depression with those around them to avoid misunderstanding or conflict. If you’re depressed and can’t focus on your job, your boss may assume you’re merely not committed to the work, unless you explain to him or her why you’re unable to focus.

I have found that it’s helpful for people to describe major depression as a “serious, highly treatable condition” when discussing it with others. If the person with depression meets with initial resistance, he or she can emphasize to the other person the need for their help in overcoming this condition, much as one might do if revealing a cancer diagnosis.

Some advice for those who don’t have depression: If a friend or loved one tells you of their depression, don’t be afraid to ask direct questions, posed with sympathy and compassion. If you fear your friend or loved one may be suicidal, ask directly. Asking about suicide does not plant the idea in a person’s head, nor will it increase the risk of a suicide attempt. Rather, it can be an important step in steering someone toward necessary care.

Dr. Whetstone: It’s your decision whom you tell about your depression. Certainly your spouse should know, but other than that, it’s your personal choice. Unfortunately, many in our society are ignorant about depression and make assumptions and judgments about it that are completely off base. Some people think depression has to do with not being strong-willed enough or being weak. Nothing could be further from the truth. Having depression is a brain illness, much like a malfunction in some other organ in your body. You wouldn’t beat someone up if their pancreas didn’t work correctly, so it doesn’t make sense to fault those with brain illnesses.