the musings of a free-spirited young woman dedicated to giving her soul a voice

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Trying to Understand Depression

"The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression." ~ Gary Larson

Well, I figure that if I'm going to struggle with depression, I can at least find ways to laugh at it. Yep, it's true. Along with wild creativity, wit and the ability to weave a tale or two, I can also thank the Irish side of the family for passing along depression.

I don't think I even realized I struggled with it until I went away to grad school. There, isolated in Connecticut, I faced an environment that wasn't exactly friendly and certainly didn't offer enough sunlight. It was miserable...the sun would begin to set at 4.15pm in the wintertime. While there, I definitely struggled through some dark days, wondering about the point of life and trying to do small things to cope - like eating more fish, painting my bedroom walls white and getting high spectrum light bulbs to enhance the room's brightness.

Interestingly, I only began to notice a pattern in my behavior one winter when I decided to re-read my journal. Only then did I realize that from Christmas to about April, it took more energy to do just about everything.

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For many years, I have been seeking to understand depression - what causes it and how to minimize its effects. I know that taking drugs works for many; however, my body has always rejected that which isn't natural, so I'm hesitant to try them.

What seems to work for me is a combination of the following:

Yoga - at least an hour per day but I'm finding that I do better with 1.5 hours.

Some of these things are out of my control, like sunlight, however, others are entirely within my reach. The trick is motivating myself to do it.

Even if it's hard, I have to look upon this plan as "medicine" because sometimes I just don't know how to cope otherwise. I know I'll get through the darkness (to borrow a phrase from Jen), but I just wish it wasn't so hard sometimes.

I know we really only know each other as Ramadan paints us each to the other, but that is certainly enough for me to feel connected to you. He certainly has that effect but I think you do, too. So know that you touch, awe and inspire many people -- even when you are unaware of it. Also know that there are lots of us out here who are supporting you and loving you and sending you positive, uplifting vibes in good times and in the harder ones.

One Thing: Be Brave

About Me

I feel very much rooted in the earth, but my friends and family describe my personality as "free spirited." It is good to be free spirited and wholly alive, methinks, swimming in the flow until fingers get pruney and one's soul feels saturated and content. Life is a mystery to be cherished and traveled. I like to eat good food. Soak up Nature's beauty. Laugh in the company of good people. Drum at pickup music sessions. Feel lamb's ear and pine and lavender and sage between my fingers. Count the stars in the sky and watch satellites whiz by in their orbits. I like listening to the old ones and absorbing their stories that always manage to sound fresh. I feel honored when the Muse sits and visits and the dreams that dance me into other realms at night. The synchronicities that lead my way each day, always making me feel like Alice. And the quiet that can be heard in the desert and on the shore and in the trees.

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Quotes To Live By In 2012

“Be wild; that is how to clear the river. The river does not flow if polluted; we manage that. The river does not dry up; we block it. If we want to allow it its freedom, we have to allow our ideational lives to be let loose, to stream, letting anything come, initially censoring nothing. That is creative life. It is made up of divine paradox. To create one must be willing to be stone stupid, to sit upon a throne on top of a jackass and spill rubies from one’s mouth. Then the river will flow, then we can stand in the stream of it raining down.” ~Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run with the Wolves

I can tell you that it takes great strength to surrender. You have to know that you are not going to collapse. Instead, you are going to open to a power that you don't even know, and it is going to come to meet you. In the process of healing, this is one of the huge things that I have discovered. People recognized the energy coming to meet them. When they opened to another energy, a love, a divine love, came through to meet them. That is what is known as grace. We all sing about amazing grace. It is a gift.

I think that it comes through the work that we do. For some people, it can come out of the blue, but I know that in my own situation, the grace came through incredible vigilance.