Posts Tagged ‘co pilot’

No one will ever know the whole truth but I may be able to shed light on it from an experience a friend of mine had a number of years ago.
People who know her, know that she’s far from suicidal and she says that if she ever thinks about it now, she’s sure she would never do it, she would never have the courage, for a start. Besides, she doesn’t believe in it, she thinks it is selfish and cowardly.
However, what if…
Years ago there was a moment when life seemed to stand still for her. She was fixed in a cloud of nothingness while she lay in bed, waiting for a wound to heal. Her mind seemed to coagulate into a mulch of shadows. Thoughts faded into an unfocused blanket, She daydreamed, if anything, but she felt she couldn’t be bothered. She really couldn’t be bothered watching TV, reading a book or doing anything, not even thinking. She felt happy, secure and unperturbed as she lay there, doing nothing.
When she did think, the thoughts were shallow, meaningless, lacking any passion or feeling. Everyday, three times a day, she says she took the required number of tablets, had a drink and a meal, answered nature’s call and lay back to enjoy her self-indulgent laziness.
One day, while she was not really thinking about anything specific she thought how life had no beginning or end, it was meaningless, nothing mattered, not her not her family not her friends. She swears she was not depressed or anything. It was as if she was in a vacuum. She thought she may as well finish the pills, after all they were there. There was no drum roll, no sudden desire to do something drastic, the thought just came to her quietly as if it just crept into her mind the same way a gentle breeze might touch her cheek. It was nothing important. It was just something she could do. Fortunately, before she did anything, she forced herself to ‘wake up’, reminded herself that it would have serious consequences if she took all of the pills and stopped herself in time, even though it still didn’t seem to matter.
so the co-pilot?
What if, for him too, he felt he was living in a constant dream. Nothing mattered. He had normal conversations with everyone, he went through the usual motions of his daily routine. He flew the plane as always and then, when the captain left the cockpit, still in a kind of daze he thought, life is meaningless, it just goes on and on, nothing ever happens, what if- what if he just flew it straight into the mountain. It wouldn’t matter, no one and nothing mattered, and then in that daze he simply made it happen, nothing, not even the loud calls and thumping on the door would distract him, It really didn’t matter…