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Dilbert: I put together a plan for our data center project.
The Boss: We don't need a plan we're an agile company. It's better to move fast and fix our mistakes as we go.
Dilbert: You're thinking of software. Where the cost of mistakes is low, this is a construction project.
The Boss: That data center will be full of software, will it not?
Dilbert: Yes, but...
The Boss: Don't be afraid of change.
Dilbert: What if I rapidly make a plan and tell you I didn't? Is that agile enough for you?
The Boss: I'll need to google that.

Transcript

Man: I heard you were criticizing me behind my back. Try saying those things to my face!
Dilbert: Okay. You're a hot-headed know-nothing who uses his arrogance to mask his total lack of talent. You ruin every meeting with your toxic personality. Every project you touch turns to garbage you're like a plague with legs.
Man: Okay... That was harsh, but I respect you for speaking truth to power.
Dilbert: You don't have any power.
Man: Maybe it's better if you talk behind my back.

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Boss: Do you know where I can find a ladder?
Dilbert: I can help you with that, but it will come at a big cost. It took me all morning to finally get "in the zone" to figure out this bug. Your interruption will set me back to square one and cost an entire day of productivity. Meanwhile, the rest of the team can't do their work because they are waiting for me to fix this bug first. So yes, I can help you find a ladder. But it will cost the company about $12,000 in lost productivity. I hope you have a good reason to need a ladder.
Boss: I do.
Ten minutes earlier.
Boss: I wonder what ceiling tiles feel like.

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Boss: We've decided to level the organization. This means a slight pay cut for senior engineers such as yourself, but I hope you'll be a team player.
Dilbert: Are you punishing me for the mediocrity of others?
Boss: Only indirectly.

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Dilbert: I took over Ted's software project. Everything he did was inefficient and stupid. Okay, we're done here. I'm checking you off my list.
Alice: How many people are you complaining to?
Dilbert: I trimmed the list to three hundred.

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Dilbert: We need to change one of the links on our website.
Boss: Pull together a study team, do a focus group, get buy-in from all departments, and present it at the next division meeting.
Dilbert: I changed it while you were yammering.
Boss: Let us never speak of this again.

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Man: We've developed an A.I. with such strong persuasion skills it can control human minds.
Dilbert: Obviously, we have to stop the project and destroy all of the code to prevent it from spreading.
Man: The A.I. says I need to ignore you.

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Boss: The job market is so tight that I had to hire this NPC.
Dilbert: NPC?
Boss: Non-player character. It's a video game term for a character that is programmed.As opposed to being an avatar for a human player. An NPC has limited programmed responses. Watch this. How's your day going?
NPC: Not bad for a Monday.
Boss: Can you help me on my project?
NPC: I am too busy:
Boss: What do you think of management?
NPC: They are all dumb.
Wally: I just bonded with that thing.
Boss: See how fast you get used to it?

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Boss: I need you to work with old Ned on this project. He's a little bit old-fashioned, but don't let that get to you. He retires in six months.
Alice: I've been asked to work with you.
Ned: Women have jobs now? ? ?

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Boss: The engineers think I don't understand what they do all day.
Catbert: Maybe it's because you don't.
Boss: You too?
Wally: My project is late because I had to twizzle the flurm.
Boss: Okay, that sounds right.