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I listened this afternoon. My heart broke for the pastor’s wife who called in recounting her stories of her prostitutional marital discomfort in fulfilling her husbands”fantasies”. These are not benign fantasies. I was her.

I was married to a very gifted pastor for 27 year. He traveled all over the country as an invited guest speaker. He was also in church administration for a time. I was required to do things I was not comfortable with. And I did, thinking I needed to please my spouse. He was very charming, good looking, intelligent and had a lot of charisma. He had an affair, I forgave thinking it was a one time event, and “she came on to me.” 27 years later, I had an STD, and found out he had at least 3 affairs and one of them was underaged.

When my marriage fell apart, I thought I would fall apart. My heart hurt for my children, because, now they had a father whom they really never knew. I thought I would have to grandparent alone. I thought I would be alone and had to figure out a way to financially support myself. My heart was splayed open, because I genuinely loved this man. Part of me did not want to have to leave ministry, because I loved being a pastor’s wife. I literally thought life had come to an end. Until it didn’t.

Yes I am divorced. No I am not alone, because Jesus my heavenly husband is with me. Yes, he has taken care of me in ways that anyone would recognize as miracle upon miracle. I am financially blessed. He has guided me into higher education, and a career where I am helping patients everyday live well with cancer. I am stepping into young women’s lives who have been abandoned by their spouses, and have to figure out how to feed their babies–my ministry as a person like everyone else sitting in a pew.

If I had a chance to have a do-over, this is what I would do. I would have been more wide-eyed, dependent on Jesus to open my eyes to what was going on behind closed doors. I would have exposed this prideful ministerial infestation that was going on that I knew about in my heart, but refused to see with my eyes. If I had, fewer people would have been spiritually scarred. I would have saved my children from a world of hurt in the exposure that was so ugly and so public. Sometimes the best thing you can do, is put the man you love in the hands of God and walk away, so that God can deal with him.

My arms want grab this sweet pastor’s wife and say, “I know it is scary, but you must walk away, and stop enabling this person entrenched in the ugliness of evil–a duplicitous and self centered man who thinks he can continue to keep fooling those he is supposed to be shepherding.” I was blessed enough to have the opportunity to ask Billy Graham, “…but how do I respect my husband, forgive him and honor my vows? He replied, “You can respect your husband by providing him the freedom to live with his free will and his choice. Place him in God’s hands, and pray for his salvation.”

Janelle, bless your heart for wanting and desiring to help your brother and his family but you really need to slow down and listen, you were all over the place while the hosts tried encouraging and suggesting things to you. The show gave some awesome advice, heck I think I was helped in the process to help a coworker who’s going through a similar situation. God bless you and I pray you take the advice and I pray that things work out for your family, especially your niece(s). God’s peace be with you and the family.