I didn't ask "then why is the OP is even doing aikido," I asked why she chose to study aikido and continues to do so. I think that her answer to that question might provide clues toward helpful advice.

Dan, I apologize for my paraphrase which I did change the tone of your query.
I both read quickly AND was using aikiweb on my little iPod, which makes it impossible to scroll back up once I've hit "quick reply."