Study Shows Dogs Know How to Write, They Just Don’t Have Any Good Ideas

A new Stanford University study has proven that most dogs have the ability to write in human languages, they just never do because they don’t have any good ideas.

“Brain scans showed that every dog we studied had the physical capacity to write prose, but their ideas were so dull and unoriginal that it wasn’t even worth the effort,” said Dr. Heather Marion. “Every time they sat down to actually put their thoughts on paper they would suffer from crippling bouts of writer’s block. The few words they did manage to scratch out were so boring and cliche that they had to be burned immediately.”

Further research by Marion’s team found that many dogs had actually gone so far as to send their novels to publishers. However, their writing was collectively so bad that no publisher had ever managed to get past the first page.

“I remember the first time I received a copy of Sausage and Treats: My Journey Through the Cupboard Whilst Human Was Away. I thought, ‘This is so bad it could have been written by a dog,'” said publisher Stephen Howard. “It turns out it was.”

Marion even experimented with having some dogs start blogs. But she says all of their posts came off as forced and insincere, and the blogs were eventually taken down.

“They keep coming back to the same subjects, meat and belly rubs, without ever digging deeper into what these things mean,” she said. “I’m afraid dogs may never have the ability to be successful as writers, no matter how hard they try.”