Republican Defeat Over Government Shutdown Frees Democrats to Pursue Obamacare Death Panels

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just after midnight on Thursday morning, President Obama signed a bill to reopen the federal government and raise the debt limit after the Senate reached an eleventh-hour agreement Wednesday, following a nearly three-week shutdown. If the goal of the maneuver, as many Republicans stated, was to benefit taxpayers by curbing spending and bolstering economic growth, the House seemed to have missed the mark. The loss of government services could siphon $3.1 billion from the gross domestic product, according to economists. In reality, tax reforms and spending cuts were merely the public-facing facades for a deeper ideological battle over repealing Obamacare and environmental regulations. "We fought the good fight. We just didn't win," Speaker Boehner told reporters, beaten down and frazzled by his party's failed attempt to hold the president's health care reform to ransom. Now, seizing momentum with a major mid-term victory, Democrats are eager to deploy their insidious Death Panel initiative with "renewed vigor and aggression."

Despite enduring heckles, invectives and a humiliating defeat that may have permanently crippled the evolution intelligent, upwardly mobile design of the Tea Party, Rep. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) refused to abandoned his fight to rid the nation of the Obamacare scourge.

Referring to the Affordable Care Act -- the president's cleverly concealed campaign to kill the infirm and elderly -- as "that train wreck, that disaster, that nightmare that is Obamacare," Cruz encouraged fellow House Republicans to stay strong and continue devising extortionist tactics to save American values.

"When satirist Jonathan Swift wrote 'A Modest Proposal,' he never meant for it to become this administration's playbook, but it has," Cruz said.

Astute Tea Party thinkers recognized the inherent dangers of the new health care legislation back in 2009. The real purpose of Obamacare, they understood, was to create a "Death Panel" of evil, socialist bureaucrats to decide whether specific segments of the population -- primarily the elderly and disabled -- were worthy of receiving medical care.

"The horrifying nature of Death Panels accomplishes several key administration goals with one bloody stroke," Cruz cautioned. "First, the law destroys the economy by forcing doctors to abandon private practices, and then subjugates them to toil away at minimum wage on a gruesome assembly line of bodies. It also paves the way for Obama to bring his army of jackbooted Mengeles into this New World Nazi order. Politically, the Death Panels allow him to execute an entire generation of voters who oppose his policies of equal opportunity, civil rights and gay marriage."

White House spokespeople and liberal ACA advocates say the Death Panels were intended to strengthen the economy and improve the quality of life for Americans.

"When we first debated how to roll out the controversial Death Panel committees, we took steps to craft a plan that would meet with bipartisan support," U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius clarified in a related discussion on Friday.

"The entire purpose of the Death Panels is to reform and eventually abolish welfare programs such as Social Security, Medicare and food stamps -- all things Republicans claim they want to destroy," she said. "In fact, by formalizing legislation to kill off old people, sick people, retards, cripples and other undesirables, we're doing more for the conservative cause than these so-called Republicans. Our plan immediately removes the greatest strains on the tax system. Frankly, I find the GOP's claims disingenuous. But as Marx implied, unfettered capitalism eventually leads to communism. So who are the real pinkos in this situation? Ask Comrade Cruz."