I have to admit, I don’t really think this IVF cycle is going to work. My head was going a mile a minute on my walk this morning, and I realized that I just don’t think it’s going to work. I’m sure someone who’s big into the importance of positive thinking would tell me that I’m going to jeopardize our luck by not thinking good thoughts, but I don’t buy that. The IVF is going to work or not work, regardless of what’s going on in my head. And I don’t think I’m just trying to keep myself from having overly high expectations. I really just can’t imagine this working. Maybe it’s because we’ve had nothing but “no”s over the last two years.

But the strange thing is, I feel no anxiety, no real worries, no big fears, even though I don’t feel like it’s going to work. And I think I know why that is. I’ve gotten pretty good lately at being able to push out of my mind anything that’s uncomfortable or hard to think about. That doesn’t mean I stick my fingers in my ears, squeeze my eyes shut, and ignore everything that’s important; it means that I’ve started choosing to not think about things that aren’t here yet. For example, leading up to the start of this IVF cycle, I haven’t been thinking much about the fact that my husband will soon be giving me injections every day. It’s not going to be a fun part of the process, I’m sure, so I’ve just sort of put it out of my head, thinking I’ll just deal with it when the time comes.

As far as me not feeling overly anxious about IVF, even though I don’t have much confidence in it, I think it’s because I’m choosing not to think about the things that I’m sure will pop into my head the minute we get an “I’m sorry, it didn’t work” phone call (if in fact we get that call.) Things like “What will we do next?” “What will our money situation look like?” “How do I feel about another IVF cycle?” “I can’t believe I’m getting close to the age when they start talking to you about possible birth defects and Downs Syndrome when I haven’t even had my first child yet.” I know those things will enter my head swiftly, but right now, on this side of the cycle, I don’t have to deal with those questions and concerns yet, so I’m not thinking about them.

Maybe a part of me actually is sticking my fingers in my ears, squeezing my eyes shut, and saying, “La-la-la-la,” over and over. At least in this situation.

I know this sounds batty, but it’s working for me. It’s allowing me to enter into this IVF cycle with peace and strength. Even though my optimism isn’t high. And I’m praying like a mad woman that God will give M and I abundant strength and peace and trust and faith if we get the negative phone call.

Our pre-cycle visit had to be moved to this coming Monday, instead of the next Monday, so M and I will be talking through some things this weekend in preparation for signing the consent forms and things on Monday. We’ll need to talk about where we stand on how many eggs to fertilize. We haven’t discussed that in several months, and I’d like for us to be prepared with some answers when we get in front of the nurse.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend!

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First, I love the new blog look. Fabulous, really. In response to how you’re feeling, honestly, I’m not sure what to say. I tried writing something but really, the best thing to say is that I am praying for you. Deal with this the best you can and don’t worry about what other people may or may not believe. The Lord has a plan for you and your children. Good luck with your discussions this weekend. I know the Lord will give you the wisdom to make the right decisions. Let us know how Monday goes!