Thursday, March 8, 2007

After a really tough day, I decide to skip beer, I drink too much anyways so its always good to skip once in a while. I am tired so I hit the bed, soon enough I am in deep sleep. It seems like it is like 1 am in the morning and my sleep is disturbed by someone moving around in my room...

I open my eyes, its an old man with a ghastly face, its as white as the snow and I can see the deep impressions under his eyes, he stares directly at me. For some reason I can't move my body is frozen, my muscles have been paralyzed, I try really hard to breathe, every breath is an effort in itself. I can feel my heart beat go thomp, thomp, thomp, thak, dhak...

What does this man want? Why is he here? and why the hell can't I move my self? I wan to get up and scream, but my lungs choke on me, the fear settles in and I know at this point I am completely helpless!

He takes hold of my bedsheets under me and starts tugging, he pulls and I get dragged along with it, I fall on the floor with a loud thud, my body behaves like a dead corpse, but my mind is still fighting. The man walks right through the door, and its not open, the bed sheet slides under the door crack and I keep moving towards the door, it is at this point that when my body cannot go through the closed door that my lungs get this gasp of air and body is awakened by this lighting of realism that shoots through my brain to my physical self.....

Monday, March 5, 2007

Is the Crazy voice inside my head a representation of who I am? or Is it just me introspecting!!!!

The beginningIt starts in the brain, you think you are invincible, every passing moment of your life, the smallest particle of the biggest missile, it cannot hit you. You have the power... in fact you are the power, to create, destroy, recreate and throw away. Life is a cake walk, everyone else is wrong, you are right... in fact you are PERFECT, you have the might and the will to do anything, get as many girls you want, have as much drugs you want and it would never ever have the slightest impact on your life......

but then reality strikes and the dream is over...

you spend three years in rehab, your body is broken in many places, the doctors fight to put you back together, its painful, its bloody, its agonizing, you fight for your worth day in and day out, physiotherapy, medicines, more medicines, injections, more injections, pills, lots of them, you eat more pills than your food. Its endless, goes on forever, will it ever end.... and finally it does.....

The body knows no bound for the pain it shuts it out if it has too much of it, what happens later.... the psychotic brain it creates images day in and day out of things you have never seen, fear you have never felt. Pain uh... what was that. You are taken over by a desire to have more want more and achieve more out of life. But its not that easy... you are bound by the realities of life.....

The question still remains.... after fighting for so long and hard, it still does not feel that I have reclaimed my life.... how the hell do I do it?The PresentDoes the presence of a specific individual make a life/death of a difference in your life. How can this happen that the pain inflicted to other is felt by you. I never knew that I would let my guard down in front of someone so fast and so low that I really feel I could be struck down by a single blow.

Why if life so freakin tough, all you ever want is more, you want a bigger car, a better house, more love, more respect, or is it that you need none of these things. You just want peace of mind. A serene environment with a cup of coffee and a beautiful landscape to look at. I probably have lived half of my good life already and what's left in the remaining half simply amazes me and makes me feel overawed as to what will happen next.

I know..... All "I" want is peace of mind and nothing else.... rest all that I do is for other people in my life.... Given a choice I would leave everything here and move to some remote place with the least of civilization and be happy there....

About Me

Keys

Keys To My Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.