How to Extinguish Anger, Part 2

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In the first part of How to Extinguish Anger, I wrote about ineffective ways of responding to anger. This can be confusing because most people think there are only two options:

Option 1: Tell off the person who just told you off.

Option 2: Say nothing and be a doormat.

Both are ineffective, though. Being a doormat is no better than lashing out. Neither strategy works for reasons that I described in the last post. What does work? Listening, understanding and responding appropriately. The appropriate response will depend on the situation. If someone is angry because you made a mistake, then an apology is in order. If someone is angry because you broke something, then it’s appropriate to fix what you broke. It’s important to note that sometimes people are angry for inappropriate reasons. These could include any of the following:

It’s a misunderstanding.

They woke up on the wrong side of the bed, are hungry, didn’t get enough sleep, are sick, are drunk or otherwise experiencing a chemical imbalance in the brain that triggers anger.

They are really angry at someone or something else and have transferred that anger onto you.

I’m sure there are other types of inappropriate anger. You can discuss them in the comments. In these situations, it can take a lot of finesse to figure out the best way to respond. For a misunderstanding, it might be as simple as saying, “Wow, you sound really hurt about that. It was never my intention to hurt you. You are so important to me.” If your spouse is grumpy, then compassionate assertiveness might be in order, such as, “I don’t find you pleasant to be around right now so I’m going to relax out in the yard. Feel free to join me when you are feeling better.” For transferred anger, it might be as simple as saying, “I didn’t deserve that” or “It hurts when you talk to me like that” or “What is this really about?”

Note that one of the most effective ways to reduce someone else’s anger is this: Refuse tobecome the person the angry person thinks you are. If the angry person thinks you are an asshole and then you go ahead and act like an asshole, it just confirms what the anger person thought. Remember the story I told about the angry guy at the post office? I extinguished his anger by behaving in the opposite manner that he expected me to behave. He thought I was selfish, so I behaved selflessly.

But it takes a lot of strength to remain centered in the face of anger, doesn’t it? Lately I’ve been trying to strengthen my ability to remain calm, centered and collected in the face of other people’s anger. I’m still no expert, but here are some of the strategies that have helped.

I remind myself that no one’s anger ever lasts forever. Anger always eventually comes to an end. When it ends, rational judgment often returns. All I need to do is wait out the anger. It’s then, once the anger subsides, that the true conversation starts.

If I don’t think I can deal with the anger without losing my own temper, I put physical distance between me and the other person until I feel stronger and more capable. For instance, not long ago, I accidentally turned off my kid’s handheld gaming device before she’d had a chance to save the game. I committed this fatal error right before bedtime when she was excessively tired. She began screaming at the top of her lungs that she hated me, that I was the meanest mother in the entire world, and that I was lucky she was willing to still look at me. She threw herself on the hotel room bed and banged it with her fists and she screamed words like “stupid” and sounds like “Arrrrgh!” I felt that hot ball of anger growing and the urge to shout “Shut the ___ up! Everyone in the hotel can hear you!” So I said, “I’m going to sit in the bathroom until you’re done.” And that’s what I did.

I remind myself that I’ve been angry before. Anger is like a storm in the brain. I am not my anger. My anger is not me. Similarly, when someone is yelling at me, that person is not the anger. The anger is a delusion—something that is causing the person to behave out of character for a short while. This person is only a flawed human being—just like me. The anger does not make this person a bad person.

I focus on something that keeps me calm, such as my breathing. This helps me to override the fight, flight or play dead response.

I vocalize what’s going on inside my head. I might say, “I feel really threatened right now” or “I feel really hurt right now” or “I am feeling defensive right now.” Then I might go on to say that I think a time out is in order.

I remind myself that anger never feels good. The person who is angry is already suffering. I don’t need to make that suffering worse.

I remind myself that generosity always feels good and that retaliation always feels bad. I ask myself, “Do I want to feel good about this or bad about this?” I try to talk myself into being generous so I can give the angry person the gift of peace of mind. In this way, I know I will feel good in the end.

I imagine how unhappy my life would be if I didn’t have the ability to communicate and be a big person. I think of how my friendships would suffer, how my marriage would suffer, and how my career would suffer. This allows me to find compassion for people who lack positive communication skills and who lack the ability to act big.

And, in the end, if I lose my temper, I remind myself that I am human and that tomorrow is another day.

You will find more advice on how to defuse your own anger in this post. What strategies do you use to keep your cool in the face of someone else’s anger?

About the picture that accompanies this post: I took a bunch of photos with my phone these past few weeks. I was surprised how nicely some of them turned out given the lack of definition that a phone camera has. I thought it would be fun for you all to come up with motivational captions for the photo that link it to the content of the post. You know, captions like, “Sometimes the only good thing about any given day is that it’s finally over.” What caption should go with this photo?

My caption would be, “When you get angry at someone, go outside and contemplate clouds.” The reason for this is that it puts you in touch with the universe somehow and brings perspective. I used to do this when I cared for my elderly parents and got exasperated/angry. It worked.

Hmm, not sure what my caption would be, but I wanted to share a tip that I’ve found helps defuse these types of situations.

When Stephen loses his cool, I try restating what he’s angry about – so I say, “So you’re upset because I didn’t talk to you about this first?” or “So you’re upset because I texted your mother back?” (and yes that last one happened).

Sometimes, it just clarifies what the person is truly angry about. Sometimes it shows them you ARE listening. Other times it serves to show them that what they are angry about maybe isn’t so serious after all.

One our favorite mottoes for our marriage says, “Never both be angry at the same time.” Often, there is a need to vent and I wait until the anger is vented and go back to it at a later time. My husband is usually apologizing before we even get an opportunity to discuss it and I know that keeping my cool allows him to vent in a safe manner. He also suffers from Diabetes so quite often it the “blood sugar” talking and not him. Keep the comments coming. They are so encouraging!

It always helps me to remember how difficult we all are and how we all have our struggles. I’m humbled by this, which helps me to be a better listener, and it’s always through better listening that things get better. Also, I often sit on my hands as a reminder to be quiet and listen.

What do you do when the spouse uses anger as a way to get you to back down because they know you are a “retreater.” If they are using it as a manipulation technique to “win” the fight and scare you into not responding, although they truly may be angry, how do you respond to that? My friend’s husband breaks things, throws things and screams, often in front of their older child because he knows she hates that, so she immediately backs off. Even if it started off a calm situation. I don’t know how to help her.

Rose what you are describing is abuse. He may not hit her but to throw such tantrums & scare the spouse not to mention the children IS abuse. If he is abusive their isn’t much she can do. He needs anger management or some for of help. If not this could even escalate into physical abuse. I am always one to say work it out when you can but abusive personalittes rarely if ever change. They usually don’t see any need for change. Typicaly they blame the spouse they are abusing for “setting them off”.

Way back when I was a cop in the U.S. Air Force I saw this behavior in base housing many times. The end can be tragic to the wife/husband (yes some women can abuse) & even worse for the children. They may not in the end be physically harmed but the psycological damage is very long lasting.

Lastly, those children need to be protected & not learn that this is how a man treats his wife. I would hope that he would be open to therapy but if not then she has a tough decision to make. Mind you this is just my personal opinion but I can tell you that abuse is NEVER justified. I do hope things change for the better for your friend no matter what path they choose.

I think that sounds abusive, and I would worry about what I was teaching a child if I was staying in a relationship like that. That said, just to answer the question, I would tell him, “I would like to talk to you about this once you’ve calmed down. I am afraid of you right now so I’m going to leave the room for my own safety.” And I would take the child with me. I wouldn’t let the issue go. That’s the difference between retreating and assertiveness. I just would refuse to engage in that angry moment. But once he’s calm, I would bring it and say that it’s not resolved.

Most men like this will not ever learn to stop this behavior unless faced with a STRONG impetus: Such as his wife and kids leaving the house and staying with her family. This is usually enough to get the man to “wake up” to his behavior. Nothing will change by waiting to see if he gets better.

As much as it pains me to say it, your friend needs to have a plan of action and have an emergency bag packed. If something starts again… she should be ready to leave and say to him “Look, I love you, but I cannot be around you when you are like this [angry]. I am going to spend a couple of nights at [family]‘s house and I suggest you look deep inside yourself to control your anger.”

Now… the question remains… has he ever hit her? Because if so… she may need to make a move BEFORE he gets angry.

No one should live in constant fear of physical harm. If that is the situation, it’s better to act now.

I have an idea when dealing with a person who is angry. How about a pie in the face? There could even be varying levels of a pie to the face. For instance if they are the type of person who rarely ever goes off then perhaps a yummy chocolate pie. I mean it would be hard to stay mad at somebody who just gave you a chocolate pie. After all who doesn’t like chocolate pie?

Now if they are a person who just seems to often be in a sour puss mood then perhaps a lemon pie. They do still taste good but would seem to match the personality of the receiver of said pie.

Then for those who are just total jerks in every aspect of life then may I suggest a smelly dead fish pie. No not going to the store for some freshly cut up filets. That just wont do for these types. Instead go to the local fish market & buy some fish whole. You then put them out in the hot summer sun in water for a day or so. This will allow the fish to ripen JUST RIGHT. Then just place in a crust, top it with some month old whipped cream & smack them right in the face with it.

Well this may not defuse the situation it sure would be fun…So what do ya think phea fans?

I TOTALLY crack me up
Just kidding by the way
You still ROCK Alisa
Ron

First, I think a good caption would be similar to your article, maybe like those motivational posters:
PERCEPTION: What do you see in the clouds? A person, an airplane, a calm evening? Just like other people’s emotions (like anger), you can see what you want to see in it.

And, similar to Rose’s comment, my ex would fight with me (show anger) in front of the kids because she knew it would get to me and I wouldn’t retaliate (in front of the kids), so it was manipulative. What I saw was she was more concerned with being right and controlling things than the welfare of our family. Sometimes I was bigger, sometimes I mucked in with her unfortunately. Finally it got to a point…well, sad to say on a site like this, she is my “ex”, but I am happier now.

The telltale sign for me was what you identified in Rose’s friend’s situation, “Typicaly they blame the spouse they are abusing for “setting them off”.” My ex would blame me for making her feel angry and for being the way she was, while a more rational person may fly off the handle occasionally but would sense that they stepped over a line and apologize or self-correct. I realized over time that it was an unchangeable situation.

I like all of your examples of how to try to diffuse the anger. Sometimes in the heat of the moment it certainly is hard to refocus.

I still do tend to go into myself until I can wrap my brain around how I’m feeling and why.

Ron – thank you for your posts – I find them most informative and can usually gleam something from each of them.

I learned a very long time ago that holding onto anger in the end only hurts me. I learned to forgive – not necessarily forget but just being able to forgive has been helpful. My mother died when I was very young and I lived with my father & step-mother for about 2 years where she abused me and my father did nothing about it. My maternal grandmother fought for custody of myself and my 2 brothers, changed a lot of laws in NY in regards to grandparent’s rights, etc and really was an amazing woman.

She was however an angry woman who was bitter over the loss of my mother until the day she died it ate her alive. I did not see my father & stepmother for about 12 years – he refused to pay child support and my grandmother had a restraining order against him but when I turned 18 I decided it was time to try to rekindle that relationship – he was after all my father.

It was scary at first to go and I was angry that he essentially just gave us up all those years ago and I was angry that my stepmother was so abusive and neglectful to us but I had some really hard conversations with both of them. I forgave them and now have an okay relationship with them. Why did I do this? Well for several reasons – not the least of which it felt right for me and I now have 2 kids and in order for them to have a relationship with their grandfather I knew I’d have to come to terms with my past.

So I did it for someone else essentially but in the end it was the best thing I could have done for myself. When I go to bed at night I can lay my head on the pillow and know that I am living my life in the best way possible.

That is old anger – day to day I try to remain as calm as I can and not react to everything that could anger me. I have learned (and still struggle with this) that “I do not have to attend every fight I’m invited to.” I can choose to walk away and sometimes that is the right answer.

Thanks again for all the comments – I love reading the blog and what everyone has to say.

The following was my E-mail to my angry wife
“The debate we had last night left me feeling rather sad especially since it caught me by surprise. One moment we were giving our one cent’s worth of advice to another couple and the next minute we are lying in bed looking miserable and lost.Let me point to the following before i proceed: It didn’t have to wait for such a moment for that debate to come up….or so i feel. Secondly, our conversations don’t seem to identify the actual cause of our dissatisfaction therefore leaving the other person with no clear corrective measures. When there is no current event that can be attributed to such a turn of events, my only guess is that we have some unresolved past issues that may need to be revisited. If you will, consider the following questions with me;

What kind of meditations occupies My/Your mind concerning this marriage?
Which past hurts keep on recurring in my/your mind and still affect My/Your moods?
Do I/You have future imaginations of our lives apart?
Are I/You making future plans that are exclusive of the other person?
What kind of energy am I/You putting to this marriage?
Do I/You attribute all the problems we experience to the other person or do I/You have my share?

AM I/YOU STILL INTERESTED IN THIS MARRIAGE?

From my point of view, it will take our joint effort to make this marriage become what we want. We also need to look deep into our hearts and give an honest unambiguous feedback to the other partner on the real issues we are struggling with and propose some workable solutions to each other. Our concern for each other should make us make a genuine efforts to meet the needs of the other person. When we feel that some outside interference is imparting negativity to our marriage, we should voice it out and also apply the same yardstick to ourselves.

I would hate to have you feeling like you are trapped in an unhappy union just because you made some vows. We have to radically look at this marriage and IDENTIFY the real causes of these recurrent phases of disconnect. This must be done with fairness and empathy considering whether we are willing to fulfill what we require of the other person. We should be friends enough to share our personal struggles with each other in an environment of acceptance and compassion. We may also have to accept the real difficulties of life that we may never completely eliminate but may just manage them as best as we can-this is best done by partners who are operating on a united front. We also need to look at what we don’t love at ourselves and refrain from victimizing the other person as the cause of situations we can personally deal with.

Am writing all the above not as an expert or a perfect person but as a concerned imperfect husband who is digging the ground looking for an elusive formula to give a fresh start to a marriage he values and treasures. You views, opinions and suggestions on how to address our current situation will be appreciated and honoured.
I will remain in this marriage whatever it takes and wish to make it a safe haven for You and Austin. Help me out!
Your Hubby”

And this was her reply
“First of all,i did not intend to raise such a heated debate.it was a casual statement that could have as well been ignored.
I often think this marriage is dull. Im hating to have to go thru the icy meeting with your folks again,and apparently this is a non issue to you.honestly i would rather not interact with them again.
This brings me to imagine our live part and how peaceful it might be for me.
I still havent made any future plans that excludes you.
I n this way,i could be inputting negative energy but i do not wholly attribute it to you. However,i still do not want to share meals with people i dont like and who dont like me also. All this makes me cold and unfriendly and definately dont feel like having cold ,boring sex.
May be you cant live with this and i dont have the psych to try.
Until im completely healed of these heartaches i dont see myself being very helpful to you and you may have to look at your options.”

Friends, kindly help me on how to handle this situation. My wife has completely refused to accept my family though we live kilometres apart and meets only once in a long while. As contained in her reply, i fulfill all my obligations but she is no longer interested in sex due to her anger.

Wow… those are some cold words from coming from your wife. She has emotionally detached from you and now it seems that the has physically detached from you as well.

But she is not a broken woman.

She is reacting to you just as any woman would do with unmet needs.

While you may THINK you are meeting her needs by providing for her and fulfilling your obligations but you are not meeting her biggest need, which is to feel “attraction” for you. You are not meeting her biggest emotional needs, and if you asked her what they are, she wouldn’t be able to tell you. She just expects you to KNOW.

So what can you do about this…You can learn to LEAD your marriage. You can stop some of your behaviors that cause your wife to move away from you and start showing behaviors that CREATE an attraction for you in your wife. For more information about you can contact me.

For men…. everything is all fine in the marriage until the sex comes to a halt. That’s how it was for me too.

You are not going to logically CONVINCE her that she needs to meet your needs and contribute to the marriage. Writing letters to her just lets her know that you think she’s broken and further drives her away. Eventually… she will make plans (or is actively making plans) to leave you and as soon as all the ducks are in a row she will be gone or she will have an affair.

One thing you can do right now is stop forcing her to have a meal with your family. She doesn’t like it and she resents you for it. Instead offer her a choice. Say “I would like to go and meet with my folks, you can come along or stay behind, it’s YOUR choice.”. If she chooses to stay behind.. let it be. Don’t get angry, upset, or miffed about it. You gave your wife a choice… and that makes you attractive.

Being counselling trained I’m aware of the reflecting-back-to-the-person-how-they-are-feeling-so-they-feel-heard thing (i.e. reflective listening). But also, being counselling trained, I instantly know when someone is doing it to me, when I’m mad about something, and curiously, it makes me even more angry (especially when it is done with that slightly higher tone people tend to use when talking to small children). It seems to says, ‘poor you’ in a way that is really patronising. So I don’t do that anymore. I found I have to be authentic; to be real, I have to actually let myself feel what they are feeling – empathising not sympathising.

It is accepted in the industries of people who help people that this is the only way to help them, you have to authentically connect with where they are (preferably with a one foot out as well as a foot in of course). The down side to this is that if you do this for a living, every day, then pretty soon you’re going to get what is now called Secondary Trauma (or Compassion Fatigue) and if it goes too far then the symptoms are not nice – you end up feeling like you’re no longer a very nice human being (see http://secondarytrauma.org/secondarytrauma.htm) You can’t avoid it (if you really connect with your clients), and the accepted advice is you ensure you have a way to off load it (e.g. good supervision AND time-out having fun) and keep the input and output of the trauma balanced. In our lack of time world, that is very hard to do and often impossible. Hence the large numbers of burn out.

The hardest part to the above is that being authentically empathic with the other person requires that you care enough about them to want to. With a vulnerable child that is easier, but with a grumpy aggressive adult it is not so easy. Personal values have to be put to one side as judging of any kind will make being authentically empathic almost impossible.

What is interesting to me though is that I have often seen myself (and others) substitute putting-personal-values-to-one-side with activating-low-self-esteem instead. We make ourselves wrong in order to be able to be nice, or understanding, or accommodating – both professionally and personally. I’m someone who finds getting outwardly angry very hard, I tend to be passive aggressive, so I do/did that a lot. But last year I got betrayed by a business associate in a way that made me so clear in my anger that I had no doubts about showing it. And learnt a lot from the experience. Here is something I wrote at the time – something that I’m actually still kind of proud of:

“Hmm, well having so far gone through extreme hurt, sadness, devastation and humiliation I have certainly arrived in anger. In fact I currently experiencing more anger than I’ve ever felt in my life, and I’m actually rather enjoying it. There is something about the ball-honest feeling of being so angry that I’ve stop caring about being good, nice, generous, self-facing, or any other of the stuff I tend to spend too much time trying to be, and this is in fact really very liberating. The one thing that we clash over is—if there is truth in the teaching that you hate in others what you have disowned in yourself—is exactly what I need to get from this – authenticity. This period is teaching me it is not only safe to call a ‘spade a spade’, but actually calling it a ‘bloody shovel’ is not a bad idea either. There is of course that part of me that still sits back and watches and finds it all immensely amusing, but I’m mostly in the part of me that has jumped in so deep that the emotions are amazingly strong. I’m really enjoying the dance of going between the two and seeing just how weird and fun the human vehicle can be – classic 3 principles exploring stuff. But then, I always did believe that understanding the 3 principles does not mean we don’t get caught in the human drama, it just means we know it is a drama. E.g. A holy master who broke down in tears when news that his son had died was rounded on by his disciples saying, “Why are you upset master? You always told us all life is illusion.” – “It is,” he replied, “and losing a child is one of the most painful illusions.” So yes, I’m angry – absolutely bloody furious. But why not? To paraphrase a previous teacher of mine: ‘Being in a human body is like being in school, stop fighting it and try taking the curriculum.’ – hehe!”

“Am glad at least I know exactly the issue we are dealing with. To start with, I now remove any obligation relating to my part of the family from you. You don’t have to attend the meeting at home or any other in future as long as it makes you uncomfortable. I will not revisit this matter and will deal with my folks my own way just like you do with yours. On the issue of you imagining how peaceful your life would be apart from me, I would suggest first addressing the issues you have mentioned and let’s see the outcome. Since I would also not look forward to being party to a lifeless/loveless marriage, if you still find our situation untenable, we will bite the bullet and consider our options.
On the state of marriage where it concerns the two of us, we might need to evaluate our individual effort in considering the other persons concerns. I may not excuse you from not being helpful to me unless we are giving up since life together will call for sharing of many aspects of our lives.

As we reason together, let’s not appear like we are throwing the responsibility of restoring the marriage to one individual as long as we are willing to work out issues. Remember, as long as we remain husband and wife, there are no other options for either of us.

I know realize the magnitude of the discord between you and my family and the effect it has had on you. I will maintain the required distance to ensure you are not forced to interact with company that you don’t want to. I might have held on to my wishes of having a friendly relationship between you and my folks for too long but as I told you when we came from home, I have since given up and my view is the kind of relationship we maintain with our in-laws will depend on our wishes.”

And she responded,

“Ok.its agreeable”

I will be proactive to shield her from company she does not enjoy and work on restoring the “attraction”.

Wow. “Refuse to become the person the angry person thinks you are.” That is absolutely brilliant and something I will never forget. Thank you so much for this insightful reminder, Alisa.

I’m not married, but I had a heated argument with someone the other day. They were yelling at me and telling me how I made them feel this and that and the other thing.

At first I thought “What the heck?” I wanted to yell back and “prove” them wrong and then I realized, I can either be right or happy, and I chose to be happy.

So, I took a deep breath and calmly said “I am sorry you feel that way. It is never fun to be criticized, so if that’s what I did, I am sorry. I will work on that. However, I cannot make you anything. I am responsible for my feelings and you for yours. So, I’m going to be quiet now and just breathe. Can we talk about this another time?” Luckily, the person agreed to talk it about it later (and we did).

What I realized a few minutes later is that both of us were saying the exact same thing, we just weren’t willing to hear the way the other person was saying it. It’s in all the delivery. That’s big. We were also tired and hungry which always plays a role, though it’s never an excuse to rant on someone.

I’m glad I said my peace, remained calm and didn’t latch on to that person’s anger entirely. A lot of defusing anger is just not taking the bait. I was able to acknowledge this person’s anger and then focus my attention elsewhere. It was good to do that.

Anger isn’t always a bad thing, it can be a life saver, but it can also be quite destructive. I’ve worked on taming my own anger and I no longer take the brunt of other people’s anger.

I’m sure defusing my own anger, and not taking others’ anger on, is a trait I will continue developing throughout my lifetime.