Seeking the ideal Olympic games

Saturday

Feb 8, 2014 at 6:00 AM

By George Barnes TELEGRAM & GAZETTE STAFF

I am no Anders Jacobsen, and certainly no Aksel Lund Svindal, but like those legendary Norwegian Olympians, I have high hopes.

This year's Winter Olympics are in full swing, and although the main sport in Sochi seems to be deadline-pushing by construction companies, it will still be an opportunity for athletes from all over the world — especially Norway — to compete for medals, glory and a chance to tweet about their quest for medals and glory.

I only mention Norwegians because Norway's Winter Olympics team is always annoyingly successful — so successful I find myself gnawing on lutefisk and drinking a snifter of Haandbrygg Odin's Tipple Imperial Stout while watching the games, screaming, "Skal!" every time someone named Stig or Olav does a good job.

It's great the Norwegians are good at all the skiing sports, especially those involving skiing and guns, but even as I watch them, I wonder if maybe there should be sports in the Olympics for the average guy or woman to compete in. The bobsledders, ski jumpers, snowboarders and biathletes are all basically cut from some advanced evolutionary cloth that allows them to run faster, jump higher and do cool flips and twists while wearing what looks like a mini-surfboard attached to their feet.

And every time they do something great, we shout out, "Skal!"

But average people like myself, people not blessed with quality genes, would also like to hear the crowds cheer, not just while we're sitting at home watching television.

I've tried things similar to the official events and am not good at them. I can't jump in my stocking feet, let alone with skis on. In cross-country skiing, I do fine until I start thinking too much as I head down a trail. Then I get confused, cross my skis and end up face-first in the snow.

I used to downhill ski, but unlike the Norwegians, who schuss smoothly down the hill, occasionally shouting, "Skal," I would stagger from the start screaming "No! No! No!" My skis would flap around as I ran out of control until I hit an obstacle that thankfully ended my run. I would then drag myself inside for a hot chocolate.

I know I sound like I am running myself down and admitting I will never be on the same stage as Petter Northug, Thomas Ulsug, or some other Nordic type. But I do have skills, and I argue that although skiing and skating are the major Olympic sports, if curling or ice dancing are so defined, why not winter brush burning?

If the Olympics are really as idealistic as they claim to be — and they had better be perfectly idealistic after the billions the Russians spent on the Sochi games — then they should not just include supermen and superwomen, but also people with more earthly skills.

I try not to brag, but I know of few to none who can match me in starting, sustaining and extinguishing a burning brush pile, even at 5-below with a strong breeze. If competitive brush burning were a sport, I think I would have a good shot at making Team USA.

Although best at burning, I could also see myself representing America in plastic toboggan racing events. Years of practice have honed my skills in the sport to a razor edge. I am not only fast, but can turn on a dime if need be.

My third sport could be in one or two of the outdoor marshmallow-cooking events. I have a rare ability at turning a marshmallow perfectly brown, but excel at the flaming marshmallow competition.

I love the Olympics and love the Norwegians (although I almost always root for Americans if they are in events), but as I sit on my couch the next few days, enjoying all Sochi has to offer, a part of me will be dreaming of crossing the finish line in my toboggan as the crowd shouts as one, "Skal! Skal! Skal!"

Contact George Barnes at george.barnes@telegram.com. Follow him on Twitter @georgebarnesTG.