My Favorite Quotes ~ General ~

"The most important human endeavor is the striving for morality in our actions. Our inner balance, and even our very existence depends on it. Only morality in our actions can give beauty and dignity to our lives." -- Albert Einstein

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." -- Unknown

"Never interrupt an enemy when he is making a mistake." -- Napoleon Bonaparte

"You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write about you as long as you’ve got a beautiful piece of ass." -- Donald Trump

"You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do when you’re down there." -- George Burns

"He distrusted her affection and what loneliness is more lonely than distrust." -- Unknown

"It's pretty clear now that what looked like it might have been some kind of counterculture is, in reality, just the plain old chaos of undifferentiated weirdness." -- Jerry Garcia

"The trouble with real life is that there's no danger music." -- Jim Carrey in The Cable Guy

"Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers." -- Voltaire

"Let us endeavor to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." -- Mark Twain

"Loyalty isn't standing by someone when he's right - that's good judgment. Loyalty is standing by someone when he's wrong." -- Susan Estrich

"Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves." -- Abraham Lincoln

"Sincerity is the key. If you can fake that, you've got it made." -- George Burns

"The gods conceal from men the happiness of death, that they may endure life." -- Lucan

"Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it." -- Stephen Butler Leacock

"There's a lot we should be able to learn from history. And yet history proves that we never do. In fact, the main lesson of history is that we never learn the lessons of history. This makes us look so stupid that few people care to read it. They'd rather not be reminded. Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing." -- A. Whitney Brown

"There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more." -- Woody Allen

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me." -- Erma Bombeck

"For those who understand, no explanation is needed… For those who don't, none will do." -- Jerry Lewis

"A dream is a wish your heart makes." -- Cinderella

"In politics, stupidity is not a handicap." -- Napoleon Bonaparte

"There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with ‘or die’." -- Alistair J.R. Young

"The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along." -- Unknown

"I wont insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said" -- William Buckley, Jr.

"All say, ‘How hard it is that we have to die’ -- a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live." -- Mark Twain

“Civilization is the distance man has placed between himself and his excreta.” -- Brian Aldiss

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" [Charles Schulz]

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” -- Calvin, “Calvin and Hobbes” [Bill Waterson]

“Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” -- F. P. Jones

“It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.” -- Rod Serling

“Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.” -- Real TV (TV show) announcement

“Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.” -- Unknown

"Slow down, simplify, and be kind." -- Naomi Judd

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” -- Unknown

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off." -- Stephen King.

“Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.” -- Mary Ellen Kelly.

“Do not speak unless you can improve the silence.” -- Unknown

“I never lost a game. I just ran out of time.” -- Bobby Layne, former Detroit Lions quarterback. (also credited to Vince Lombarde)

“Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.” -- Unknown

“If you're gonna act stupid, you gotta be tough.” -- Johnny Knoxville

"Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid." -- John Wayne

“The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.” -- Unknown

“Time is nature’s way of making sure that everything doesn’t go all wrong at once.” – Unknown

“Sometimes a majority simply means that all the fools are on one side.” -- Claude McDonald

“Being a cynic is like chewing tobacco... every once in awhile you gotta spit.” -- James Walden

“The first mistake in judging ART is to assume its serious.” -- Lester Bangs (rock critic)

“America is one of the few places where the failure to promote oneself is widely regarded as arrogance.” -- Gary Trudeau

“Its amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” -- Harry S. Truman

“When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. If you become a monk you'll end up as the pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.” -- Pablo Picasso

"Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly." -- Arnold Edinborough

“The greater the emphasis upon perfection - the further it recedes.” -- Unknown

“Problems are only opportunities in work clothes.” -- Henry J. Kaiser

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." -- Hector Berlioz

"If you're going through hell, keep going.” -- Winston Churchill

“Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.” -- Danny Kaye

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it." -- Ellen Goodman

“How frighteningly few are the persons whose death would spoil our appetite and make the world seem empty.” -- Eric Hoffer

“A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.” -- Joseph Stalin

“Winston, you are drunk" - Lady Astor. "Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober" -- Winston Churchill

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, ... it doesn't matter.” -- Mark Twain

"In a mad world only the mad are sane." -- Akira Kurosawa

"Millions yearn for immorality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon." -- Susan Ertz

"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." -- Andre Gide

"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving words in evidence of the fact." -- George Elliot

"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking." -- H. L. Mencken

"I find that no matter what kind of backgrounds two men are from ... if you go, 'Hey, man, women are crazy,' you've got a friend." -- Chris Rock

"No matter how beautiful she is, someone... somewhere is tired of her shit." -- Unknown

“Perhaps those unable to find true happiness just need to lower their standards a little” -- James Walden

“I used to be high on life, but I built up a tolerance.” -- Unknown

“Revere those that remember how to do things the hard way for they’re needed proof that man evolves somewhat from generation to generation.” -- James Walden

“My likely historical significance is a terrible burden.” -- Calvin

“We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.” -- Kin Hubbard

"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." -- Eric Hoffer

"The '60s are gone, dope will never be as cheap, sex never as free, and the rock and roll never as great." -- Abbie Hoffman

"Good people are always so sure they're right." -- Barbara Graham (seconds before being executed at San Quenton in 1955)

"Education is a progressive discovery of our ignorance." -- Will Durant

"It's the American way: if you don't vote, you don't get to whine." -- Dan Rather

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"One thing I have learned in a long life: that all our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike - and yet it is the most precious thing we have." -- Albert Einstein

"The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage." -- George Carlin

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?" -- Groucho Marx

"If you always tell the truth, you won’t have to remember as much." -- Jesse Ventura, offering a little campaign wisdom to Arnold Schwarzenegger in his bid for Governor of CA.

"I believe in the brotherhood of man, all men, but I don’t believe in brotherhood with anybody who doesn’t want brotherhood with me. I believe in treating people right, but I’m not going to waste my time trying to treat somebody right who doesn’t know how to return the treatment." -- Malcolm X

"The strong man is the man who can stand up for his rights and not hit back." -- Martin Luther King Jr.

"As far as I am concerned, being any gender is a drag." -- Patti Smith

"Making the decision to have a child - It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -- Elizabeth Stone

"Work like you don’t need the money, dance as though no one is watching, and love as if you’ve never been hurt." -- Unknown

"It's a lot easier to dismiss one person's idea than it is to dismiss a group of people with the same idea." -- James Walden

"We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities." -- Bill Maher

"Generally, when there's a lot of smoke... there's just a whole lot more smoke." -- George Foreman, addressing the hype behind a fight.

"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion." -- Abraham Lincoln

"I'm like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to shit." -- Tony Soprano

"It's not so much a need for a "love" relationship as it is a need for an occasional response to "Hey, look at that!" -- James Walden

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." -- Emo Philips

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to." -- Dorothy Parker

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet every evening down at the bar." -- Drew Carey

"I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence." -- Doug McLeod

"Every time an old person dies, it's like a library burning down." -- Alex Haley

"After all is said and done, more is said than done." -- Unknown

"Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else." -- Ogden Nash

"When I go to a beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate." -- Phyllis Diller

"It really puzzles me to see marijuana connected with narcotics . . . dope and all that crap. It's a thousand times better than whiskey - it's an assistant - a friend." -- Louis Armstrong

"One good thing about being a man is that men don’t have to talk to each other." -- Peter Cocotas

"Charm is a way of getting the answer without asking a clear question." -- Albert Camus

"The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job." -- Slappy White

"You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing." -- Michael Pritchard

"Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell." -- Tom Robbins

"The best part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised." -- George Will

"The movie is draining. It is dread. By the end of it, you're just exhausted, empty, like you've had a thousand reverse orgasms." -- from the online review of Rob Zombie's Halloween by The Last Psychiatrist

"The worst feeling isn't being lonely, it's being forgotten by someone you could never forget." -- Unknown

"We used to sit out in the country and see the trains go by, watch the sparks come out of the smokestack. That was smokestack lightning" -- Howlin' Wolf (for any other folk who might have wondered.)

"You’re writing the story of your life, one moment at a time." -- Doc Childre and Howard Martin