World's Worst Superhero Names

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World's Worst Superhero Names

I was taking a look at the recently released video game Marvel: Ultimate Alliance, and it got me thinking about superhero names. The Silver Surfer is an unlockable character in the game, and I think that's pretty cool.

The trouble is, I don't know why I think it's pretty cool. You'd think the name itself would put him in the loser category, and it probably would, except that there are so many terrible names for superheroes and supervillains in Marvel and DC comic books that "Silver Surfer" doesn't even make the bottom 50.

This would be a great name for a guy who's really, really interesting. And a guy who's really, really interesting would make a great supervillain: "We tried to stop him, but he started talking about the history of space exploration and we just had to sit there and listen! It was so absorbing!" But no, the Absorbing Man's just this big shirtless guy who turns into the substances he touches, like a reverse King Midas, if King Midas had been made of gold.

Terra-Man

It's tough to pick the worst name among Superman's enemies. We're talking about someone who's faced off against Metallo, Bizarro and Titano. In Terra-Man's original incarnation, he was a cowboy who was raised by aliens and had a winged horse and ... well, it's all very odd but the main thing is he's called "Terra-Man" and even someone with the best powers ever wouldn't be cool with that name.

She-Hulk

I guess I should be glad they didn't call her "Hulk Woman," or worse yet, "Hulk Girl." Still, female comic book characters deserve more than a half-assedly feminized version of another hero's name. They have to put up with those bust-lifting outfits, fighting in high heels, and that painful-looking pose where their lower spine forms a perfect "J," at the least they should get a name of their own.

Jean Grey

It bothers me that Jean Grey doesn't get a superhero name. And her real name isn't really that interesting. It's as if the Avengers included Captain America, Iron Man, Thor and Dave Henderson. She was originally Marvel Girl, and I can see why she didn't want to stick with that name. And the Phoenix thing didn't really work out for her, OK. But come on, she's not even trying anymore. Even "The Amazing Henna-Woman" would be better than just "Jean Grey."

Captain Boomerang

"Boomerang" is a silly word, and no military title can offset that. He could be Admiral Boomerang and he'd still just be a guy who throws curvy sticks at the Flash. I don't know what makes a man choose to commit crimes with boomerangs, much less to imagine that a boomerang is going to be an effective weapon against someone who can run at the speed of light, but I imagine it involves low self-esteem and a whittling knife.

U-Foes

I've been keeping the intentionally silly names like "Funky Flashman" and "Frog-Man" out of this. I assure you, then, that the ridiculous pun highlighted here was foisted on Marvel readers in all seriousness. They're sort of an evil version of the Fantastic Four, so I guess they needed an even dumber name. One of them has the ability to turn the Hulk back into Bruce Banner, which is a pretty specific power, but handy in its own way.

Robin

It's easy to spot the good Batman movies; they're the ones without Robin in them. There are enough problems with being the kid sidekick of a billionaire vigilante, but when you're named after some wimpy little worm-eating bird? Clearly Batman just called his youthful colleague "Robin" to make himself look cooler by comparison. I'm surprised he wasn't called "Whoopty-Woo the Precious Bongo Boy."

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become self-actualized, self-interested and self-cleaning.