Catching the Gay

Honestly, this post has been a long-time coming. In a previous post that you can read here, I was hinting at someone that I never thought I would ever catch feelings for, and that person was, well, a woman.

Talk about a damn plot twist.

But, before you get your hopes up for some dirty deets, there really aren’t any. This whole thing is going to kind of be anti-climactic, but it is a realization that I think is extremely important on this path of figuring out who the hell I am.

For the case of keeping her identity unknown, we will call this girl Ashley. We met through my cousin, Sebby, who also works at the mall that I work at. It started off as us just being friends, but one thing turned into another, and I started to catch feels – feels that I have never had for any guy that I ever dated. It’s actually kind of funny, though, because if she didn’t lean into the kiss that I wasn’t even trying to initiate, I might still not even know that I also like women.

Ashley and I were driving around together, just hanging out like we had been the last few days. We were talking, sharing stories, listening to music, and I was probably ranting about whatever nonsense at work that made me mad that day, which always makes her laugh. I don’t remember what I was going to show her (honestly, it was probably a meme), so I leaned over to show her, and that’s when it happened; we kissed.

If I am being honest, the only thing I felt at that point was pure fucking confusion. I couldn’t tell if I was into it or not, but as I pulled away, I just smiled and awkwardly laughed. The weird thing is that even though I wasn’t sure if I was into it or not, I still kissed her goodbye when I left. Don’t ask me why, but I just felt like it was right and what I should do.

Weird…I know.

We started hanging out more, and I started to get feelings for Ashley that I had never had for anyone else. It was all pretty strange to me, especially since I had never felt this way about any guy that I have ever had anything with – whether it was ‘serious’ or just a, uh, romp in the hay, I’ve never cared for any man like I did for Ashley.

Ashley and I were never even serious, but I liked her far more than any guy that I was ever involved with. When I wasn’t with her, all I wanted to do was to be with her. I wanted to talk to her all day, every day. She was all that was on my mind anymore.

This truly wasn’t like anything I had ever experienced before. It was such a nice feeling, but at the same time, it was so strange. My whole life, I had thought that I was straight, I mean, that is what society tells you that you are supposed to be, but then Ashley came along and just changed everything. Not that, that is a bad thing, either. I have always thought that I might be bisexual or gay, but I never had any real reason for thinking this, so I usually just shoved that thought to the side, like I do with most things I don’t want to deal with.

All jokes aside, even though Ashley and I aren’t a ~thing~ anymore, we are still good friends, and she will always have a special place in my heart (Ashley, I know you’re reading this, so don’t get a bigger head than you already have, pls~n~thx, because I will fite you – f-i-t-e, fite).

As for where I stand right now, I really have no idea. I don’t know if this counts as me ‘coming out’, because honestly, I still have no fucking idea what’s going on. I’m pretty sure that I’m gay, but I think that it is something that I need to explore more before I just go on and come out. This is, quite literally, a journey that is being unfolded, but I promise to keep you all updated as I go further down this path.

To my friends and family that have been nothing but supportive while I have been figuring this out, thank you from the bottom of my heart. This would have been so much shittier if it weren’t for those of you that have known about this and did nothing less than love, support and help me through all of these confusing feelings.

And to those of you that may also be in this type of situation, I am always here to support you if you need it. Feel free to contact me via social media or email. I would be more than happy to talk about it with you. It’s tough enough as it is, and going at it alone certainly won’t make it easier, so if you need it, I am all ears.

Until next time, friends. I hope you all are doing well and I hope 2018 is being good to you.