Friday, January 20, 2012

Worse than

Worse than not looking like me, is not feeling like me...(I think)

Here I am, theorizing again, but now that I have begun chemo, and before it has changed my outward appearance, it has changed the way I feel. Normally outgoing and friendly, ready to join in almost any conversation, I walk through masses of people, feeling fuzzy. The room almost "spinning" as the cliche goes. And just when you're not sure if anyone else can notice how you're feeling-so out of place-a total stranger walks up to you, in a place where you are a "regular", and utters these words: "Are you alright, ma'am?" Ugh.

I found myself identifying (some might say mellow dramatically) with the "Gadarene Demoniac", the man with the unclean spirit, of Mark 5, in the Bible. The story says of him:

"And always night and day he was in the mountains and the tombs, crying out, and cutting himself with stones."

Ok, now even I think that sounds a little mellow dramatic! I'm not saying I was sitting there contemplating injuring myself when the helpful young man came up...I'm saying that this Gadarene guy was not the one cutting himself either. He was merely the guy trapped in a situation where he had no control. Someone or something else was calling the shots. And that is miserable.

Cancer is-at the moment-my "someone or something else" calling the shots...what is it for you? What has you so turned around, that you don't know whether to worship Jesus, or to fear him? (Mark 5:6-7). Is He your cure, or your judge? That can be the question in your head, and like the Gadarene, it was put there by demons themselves. The demoniac (full of demons identified as "Legion") put his hope in Jesus-the demons themselves begged Him for mercy and received it! And what was the outcome? If you know the story, you know a herd of pigs took a demonic leap into the sea...their herdsmen got really freaked out and told everyone in town...they all came out and saw the Gadarene "former demoniac" sitting there dressed and fully looking and feeling like himself again.

Happy end of story, right? Not exactly. The townspeople were scared of the big giant change that had occurred. Sure they had been trying to contain the demon possessed guy for years, tried chaining him, maybe even praying for him...and now, clearly, something huge had broken through. But it wasn't something they felt comfortable with. It had cost them something. Pigs, maybe, or maybe just normalcy. Things should go back to normal...in a normal way. Their brilliant plan to regain normalcy? Beg Jesus to LEAVE.

Jesus did leave. But not in a huff. Not shaking the dust off his feet from the undeserving town. He left there, among them, one abruptly changed life. And this charge to the transformed man:

"Go home to your friends, and tell them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He has had compassion on you. And he departed and began to proclaim...all that Jesus had done for him; and all marveled."

I don't know what you're going through...I don't know what stage it's in. Are people looking at you side ways, wondering if you're alright? Are they avoiding eye contact all together? Are they asking you how you're doing, and hearing what they want to hear? Are they uncomfortable with the way Jesus is delivering you? Too quick, too dramatic, too slow. Too untraditional? They love you, (or maybe they don't), they want to help you...(or, again, maybe they don't). Just remember, they can't. There is only one Who the winds and the waves and the demons and the substances obey. Put your hope in Him, and you will never be put to shame. And, eventually, all will marvel.

11 comments:

wow... that's amazing... yeah, that sums it up... amazing...I look through the tears and can only whisper...thank you...I can't thank you enough my friend...Just know that your words here have met me where I needed them most...You are wonderful and I am grateful to know you :).

You are so right....only God can help you with your new normal! I know that feeling of being somewhere physically but not feeling present. I think we usually walk through our lives here like the "unaware" people in the Matrix, thinking we are living life in this world, when our real life is "somewhere beyond the blue". This world is NOT our home, my friend, and God is letting you experience the reality of that, isn't He? I love you....I'm so thankful we're passing through together!

Right to the heart Lisa and so relevant to many, many ppl. Love your bio too. I had never read that. Feel like so much of your words are me. I know I have said the same stuff and written similar and often feel still stuck on the merry go round of perfectionism. I love you and thank you for sharing your journey despite the fear. Xoxo.

Lisa you have expressed and voiced for me what I've been struggling for months to get out of me and put into words! I know my situation can't compare to what you are going through but the verses and word of God you quote have given me some relief from my feeling of being "stuck" with writer's block. You said exactly what I needed to hear/express myself for do long. Thank you! And I will see you Friday to give you a hug! You are amazing and an inspiration to me and I thank God for you and am ashamed I didn't pursue knowing you better sooner when you wrote my and B's name in your bible that first time we met so many years ago.

Lisa, we serve an amazing God. He has indeed allowed us to travel this path. Sometimes that is hard to bear when pain and outward appearances change. Chemo brain was and is at times still hard for me. I still occasionally have problems with fuzziness, but it does improve. I am honored that you asked me to share your journey with you and I will lift you up in prayer daily. I pray for a clear path to be given to you and for health and a swift recovery. Also prayers for your family and support system- energy, peace, and humor.You have a beautiful gift with words. The nice thing about being a perfectionist is that we are indeed only made perfect because of Christ's sacrifice. So in that light, we are both perfect. Blessings for a wonderful 2012 - Jenny

Wow... This is exactly how I feel. Six years ago I was in a car accident at the hand of someone else, since then I have been dealing with issue after issue, surgery after surgery, trying to be a mother of 3 and a wife. Needless to say I have been in a very deep valley, with no sun in sight. I understand people asking how are you- seeing the blank stare and the look(oh please don't really answer me!) I have gone through emotions that I didn't even think I had. Anger, sadness, and questioning God why me? I found it hard to worship God. Fear had taken hold of me. So each day is a day to day event. I declare that I am going to have a good day! And I will not give into fear! Thank you for your encouraging words. I just want you too know that you have been a true blessing. Thank you

About Desperate Me...lisa seymour jones

I am a perfectionist. If you were to take one look at my house, you would be quick to label that a glaring-maybe even raging-misdiagnosis, but on some misguided level it is paralyzingly true.

In my desperate attempt to know God...seek Him...please Him, I fall into the trap of trying to be perfect. And since I'm far from it, the enemy can keep me ineffective for the cause of Christ, just by accusing me with my imperfection.

Today I need to remember that I am called to:
Live justly
Love mercy
Walk humbly (Micah 6:8)

I am not called to:
Have the perfect words
Bear the burden of the
world with blood sweat &
tears...

I need to understand I don't have to be everything to everyone-spiritually-(Lord knows I'm not otherwise).

But, if the enemy can keep me "perfecting", or just postponing...then the one or two (be it singular people, or hundreds, or thousands) who God prepared me specifically in advance to relate to, will still be waiting-while I am waiting to unveil something that will impress...move...motivate-Everyone.

So, if it's you that's been waiting-I apologize. I owe you a coffee. Here's some stuff God's been asking me to share...(in it's quite imperfect form:)