Checking The Male

Uploaded 05/15/2009

Something odd happened to me no more than an hour ago. I was out having a smoke and decided to go check the mailbox. I walked up (its one of those communal ones with the individual cubby holes) and a neighbour of mine was there too.

I smiled at her and said hello...normal meet-and-greet bullshit you do to appear like less of a cock-bag to the immediate neighbours....and she proceeded to strike up a somewhat uncomfortable conversation.

She said she's seen me outside smoking before and was curious as to who I was. So naturally I introduced myself. She said her name and told me how close she lived to my place, then proceeded to tell me all about how she checks the mail every day at the same time, gets a coffee from the Hortons at the same time, makes lunch at the same time....you get the picture.

She then tells me how often she has watched me smoking outside and thought I might like some company some time. I asked her if she smoked, but she said no. (What the shit?!?) She then said how often she sees me at home in the afternoons (I work a lot of nights and get a lot of days off in between 12+ hour shifts) and asked if I get bored during the days.

Something smelled fishy here, so I decided to stop with the answering of personal questions and keep my responses to a minimum. I told her that during my off days I watch my kid (not specifying boy or girl) and that "the kid" keeps me hopping most of the afternoon, leaving little time for socialization. (I was going for the illusion of a busy person.) She then asked if I see much of my girlfriend/wife because she's noticed she works a lot of long days and is gone most of the time.

I wasn't too sure how to answer that one. I stammered out a "Oh, sure, yeah. Plenty." and started back to my place. She starts walking the same direction---SHIT!---and keeps talking. She tells me how she was engaged once but it was called off, how she never has time to date, how she works really hard from home (she owns some sort of business I'm sure she mentioned but I wasn't paying attention to) and how lonely things get. ALARM BELLS!! ALARM BELLS!!

I shrugged, said "Yeah...that's tough" and started to go up the driveway to the safety and relative sanity of my home. She then says, in a parting shot, that if I ever want to get together in the off days to drop by and we could "do something". The big shit-eating grin and body language gave me a good hint as to what. I nodded, said again "Sure. I'm pretty busy most days, but yeah...." and trailed off as I went inside. She stood and waved and smiled as I went inside, the went to her home.

I watched her depart through the curtain slat and saw that she lived a little diagonal to my place across the street. I'm not sure how she can see me smoking every day, and I'd rather not know, really. The whole thing gave me the gibbly-gibblies!

Now, it's not like she's an unattractive person. (Quite pretty, actually.) She's just a little crazy. I mean, who the fuck does that?? If you're going to proposition me, at least get to know me a little first. Ease in; really sell that adultary instead of just tossing it out there to hop on. I'm no stranger to unwanted attraction by crazy people (honest-to-goodness mother-fucking crazy people...certified by the province and all) but this one threw me a bit. She didn't seem noggin-nuts, just socially insane.

I guess I'll start getting my mail at night now.

Just thought I'd share with you the oddities that live in my neighbourhood.