Students Learn Professor’s Name in Time to Turn in Late Assignments

It’s that time of year when emails start flooding professor’s inboxes from students that haven’t been in class since syllabus week. Tis the season of recently “dead grandmas” and other wicked lies that students tell to get those extra few points on final grades.

It’s tough to remember your professor’s name of your Intro to Whatever-the-Fuck when you’ve been sleeping through it for the past 3 months. The extra 2 hours of sleep seemed to be worth it at the time, but having to guarantee your place in hell after you tell your TA that your nonexistent Grandma Edith kicked the bucket might have been a bad move in the long run.

Professor Hardwell commented on the current influx of emails, “It’s too bad that FSU webmail can’t recognize the pleas for grade changes as junk mail. At the very least, spell my name right when it’s on the goddamn syllabus.”

Blackboard has slowed down to a glacial pace because of the amount of email traffic during the past few days.

Sophomore Brian Elrick, after refreshing his webmail page 12 times stated, “I emailed my Professor Hardbill and told him that I’ve been really sick for the past 3 weeks and he hasn’t responded. I should’ve read the Rate My Professor review before I signed up for the class.”

FSU administration is currently developing a two-question quiz to determine if students can gain access to FSU webmail to ask their teachers for a grade change. The first question is a fill in the blank that asks for the name for the professor. The second question is multiple choice that asks for the course code and section number.

After emailing the entire class for the answers to the quiz, Brian finally got a response from a fellow classmate. He passed the two-question quiz and was consequently given permission to send his email to Professor Hardwell.

“I’m just going to ask for a 3-point boost to get a B in the class. My grades slipped because my ex-girlfriend Chelsea started dating some graduate school tool, so I had to play a lot of Xbox to feel better. But staring at the screen for that long damaged my vision and made it really hard to read the material for my courses.”

As students face their last regular week for class, the temptation of asking the professor for a little under-the-table help increases. Just make sure that you spell your instructor’s name correctly before you asked for unearned help for your slacking ass.