editors note: i have a great brand new letter that needs to be written…and i had all these grand plans to do just that this morning. however, it is 28 degrees, and not a cloud in the sky. so im going to ski instead. this is my 3rd ever letter and had like 17 viewers though, i figured id give it another chance. if you have already read it, sorry. but it’s my blog, and i can do what i want. including writing in all lowercase letters. deal with it.

Dear Carolyn,

It was over 20 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. Tucked away into the hills of a small town New England State (can’t give away my anonymity quite yet), I was a 9 year old kid who received his first kiss from the cutest 12 year old this side of the Mississippi. Granted, I made it entirely awkward by turning to the side and I think half of your lips were on my cheek, the other half on my ear, but you have to cut me a break…I was 9, and I was being held up to you against my will by my bunkmates.

I believe it was during those thirty minutes after evening activity was over (capture the flag, perhaps?), back in the days of overnight camp when boys and girls could still socialize without having to worry about some kind of parental complaints. Though to be completely honest, there is no way I was actually socializing with you – A. you were a girl & I was (still am) a boy (well, almost a man) B. I was 9 & you were 12 C. you were cute & I was somehow the most awkward looking 9 year old who didn’t have braces, probably due to my bowl cut and freckles…and a face that reminded many of Paul from The Wonder Years.

But my bunkmates forced the relevant information out of me; and by forced I mean they probably asked me who I was going to ask to banquet. My immediate response was “no one,” but after a couple older boys told me I couldn’t go alone, my next response was you, Carolyn. So they convinced my to ask you, right then and there. I walked over to you, and like out of a movie you were somehow sitting alone on your cabin steps, which of course made it far easier for me to talk to you (and way too hard to back out). Somehow I stumbled up the courage, or fear of more torture from my entourage who was right behind me, and here’s how I’d like remember the conversation transpiring,

Me: Would you like to go to banquet with me?

You: Awww, you are too sweet…but I’m already going with the best athlete and cutest guy at camp. If you had asked me first though, I totally would’ve gone with you.

This is probably how the conversation went,

Me: Um, hey…I’m XXXXX, oh yeah, we are on the same tennis court, you know that. Um, I know you probably don’t want to, but um, I need a date to the banquet and uh….

You: Oh, no. Thanks though.

I turned to walk away, quickly. Some idiot ‘friend’ of mine shouted, “he wants a kiss too!” You were too sweet, you should’ve just laughed it off…but you told me to turn around, which some of my friends did for me by grabbing hold of my arms. That’s when you went in to kiss me on the cheek, and I turned and you got some ear. There is almost nothing I regret about that night, Carolyn, except not turning the other way. If I had done that, perhaps you would’ve felt the chemistry that I knew was there between us when our lips connected…or more likely you would’ve slapped me in the face. Either way, at least I would remember my first kiss a little more successfully. Anyway, that’s enough for now. Hope this letter finds you well…and maybe still single?

editors note: this is a repost of one of my earliest letters. i do this for two reasons 1. not many read my blog in the early days (not many still do, but i have a few more readers) 2. i cant stop blowing my nose long enough to write a full post. enjoy!

Dear Shayna,

I want to thank you for making me re-think my internet dating habits: Lesson #1 – Never, ever agree to more than a lunch or a drink for the first face to face meeting, dinners are simply too long, and sometimes really painful. Like it was with you. So while you may have cost me about $40 (remember, when you offered to split it I couldn’t take you up on it quickly enough), you also taught me something priceless.

Lesson #2 – Whether it is on purpose or subconsciously, you made me realize that we all sell our selves online. We project an image of what we think people want to see in our profile, and then enhance that image through emails, online chat and dare I say – even an adult-like phone call. I think everyone does this to a certain degree; I like to think I try my best to show people that I am down to earth, witty, and pretty much the man. You seemed like a happy-go-lucky, easy to talk to, educated individual. Well, at least you are educated (I can only presume you didn’t lie about your Master’s Degree). Turns out you were actually quite miserable. Upon getting the awkward greeting out of the way, I asked how your day went. Your response, a terse, “Awful.” I’ll spare you the details, but it was only downhill from there.

Lesson # 3 – You also taught me to watch what I say. When I mentioned I was looking for jobs at prep schools, you were curious as to why only private. My answer, if you recall, was along the lines of, “Well the administrative type job I’m looking for aren’t typically at public schools, I’m not certified to teach at a public school, and I went to a private high school so I know the landscape and think I’d really enjoy that environment again.” I didn’t realize that was such a snobby comment, because you replied, “Private school kid huh? Aren’t you the privileged one.” At least that wasn’t 20 minutes into knowing each other. Oh, wait. Yes it was.

Lesson # 4 – I guess I’m not the only one who has trouble reading signals. Let’s recap real quick: You barely spoke, and when you did something miserable usually came out; you called me a snob; I scoffed at a second glass of wine and dessert; even though I have always paid on the first date unless the female absolutely insists, as soon as you brought out your plastic I think I tore it from your hands to throw in with mine; oh yeah, I shook your hand goodbye. Despite all this Shayna, you actually had the gall to send me an email the next day informing me what a blast you had and that you wanted to do it again soon. Suffice it to say, that certainly didn’t happen…and if you couldn’t read that signal, hopefully this letter spells it out a bit clearer.

See you never,

Privileged

PS – I should tell you that my guess is you were just having a bad day, and that you are probably far cooler and sweeter than you presented yourself on our date. But first impressions are everything. Sorry.

I really owe you an apology. I treated you like an absolute ass for the duration of our relationship. I guess the truth of the matter is it was just one of those times in my life when I feel like I NEEDED a girlfriend. You see, I had just started 7th grade and had yet to do anything substantial with a female (and by substantial, I mean making out for an hour after school under the bleachers). But the thing is, once we started going steady, I closed up. I didn’t know how to deal with such a meaningful relationship with a female. I had absolutely no idea what “going out,” meant. I thought I could just tell my friends and family (who I think were already trying to pressure me) that I had a girlfriend, and all was right with the world.

For the life of me, I can’t remember a single thing the two of us did together, as a couple. How long did it actually last? A week, two at most. I vaguely remember trying to coordinate a date at the movies, but I think your mom had an issue with you seeing ‘Schindlers List’ at such a young age. I guess that makes sense, you were but a 6th grader, or your mom was just secretly anti-semitic, I’m not sure. Anyway, I wonder what would have happened if we had done something, could two pre-pubescent kids have fallen in love? Ah, what a daydream that is.

Truth be told, we never had a chance. Why the hell did you even say yes to me in the first place? Do you remember how I went about asking you out? I sure as hell do. I think we had talked once before our Wednesday morning assembly that week, and you must have smiled at me because I thought for sure you’d want to be my girlfriend after that. So as we sung our school song to finish the meeting, I subbed in the words “Alabama will you go out with me?” for one of the last lines of the song. Holy crap, I’m getting that cold nervous sweat I had just admitting that to the general public. What a jackass.

Well, honestly, that’s it. I have nothing else I can write here. I doubt we’ve even conversed since I finished middle school and I don’t even think, wait hold on a second…nope, we aren’t even facebook friends. Anyway, hope the men you have been with since have been better at the whole communication thing than I was.

Sincerely,

Jackass.

ps – you know this was almost entirely sarcastic, right? Unfortunately the way I asked you out was 100% true. Eff my life.

* Forrest Gump (turns out i am a smart man, and i dont know what love is – then or now!)

Like this:

I realize you are both extremely busy this time of year – Kramer whipping up bagels at H&H, and Frank I’m sure you and Lloyd Braun are still slinging computers left and right, but I’d like to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the creation and commercializing of Festivus. It is, without a doubt, the best part of being an adult who does not celebrate Christmas. Sure, I might only be 5’9, 150 pounds and can barely bend a wet noodle, but I have always stepped it up when it comes to the ‘feats of strength’. And the ‘airing of grievances,’ I mean, wow, just effing wow! Can’t you tell from this blog alone that there is nothing in this life I appreciate more than telling other people, specfically ex girlfriends, how much they annoy me. I was going to put up a Festivus Pole this year, but decided it looked too much like a stripper pole and I didn’t want to have to explain that to any potential females that might stop by. Wait, I’ll be back in twenty minutes…

Ok I realized after writing that last sentence that there are no females coming over and thus I have put up my Festivus Pole. Now all I need is to find some female to make out with tonight and my 2010 Festivus will be complete with a true FESTIVUS MIRACLE!