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The 10 strangest sex-related studies/crimes of the year

As 2011 comes to a close, I felt it was my personal duty to recap the strangest sexual studies/shenanigans of the year (not my own, of course). So read on, and read to the very end. You don’t want to miss the sad tale of a man who was caught giving the old one-two to a shape-shifting donkey…which he then promptly fell in love with though he was outraged she had morphed from a cheap hooker into an ass.

ORAL SEX = ORAL CANCER
Did I just put my foot in my mouth? Not quite. Non-smoking white males are at great risk for oral cancer because of HPV. According to the National Cancer Institute, 65% of all cancerous tumors in 2007 were linked to HPV. Sorry boys, but you may have to do without your blowjobs unless you’re sure where she’s been!

WOMEN THINK ABOUT FOOD MORE THAN SEX
This is news? Just kidding. I think about sex more than food, but I act like a dude most of the time, so that’s not abnormal. A British survey found that 25% of 5,000 women polled thought about food every half hour, while only 10% thought about sex. Blame chocolate. It may go straight to your ass, but at least you know it will be good.

SEX CAN CAUSE HEART ATTACKS FOR LAZY PEOPLE
“Couch potatoes”, “lard bottoms” and “lazy bones” beware: if you aren’t into being physically active on the regular, then sex may kill you — or at least give you a heart attack. Two researchers at Tufts Medical Center in Boston have concluded that acute cardiac events were significantly associated with episodic physical and sexual activity. Let this be a lesson to you all: sex is good. Sex is fun. You don’t want to abolish it from your life, right? So train for it as if you were training for a marathon. The treadmill may be the endless road to nowhere, but at least it’ll help you get your rocks off in the long run.

CELL PHONES DON’T REDUCE YOUR SEX DRIVE (IN BUNNIES, AT LEAST)
If you haven’t heard the expression “at it like rabbits” then you’ve clearly been living underneath a very large rock. For those who have stones sticking to their asses, here’s what the expression means: a couple that likes to have sex…a lot. But does constant cell phone use kill a guy’s libido? Sadly, I can’t tell you that you need to tell your guy to put his goddamn phone away (and yes, I myself have that problem with the man in my life). For the study published in the International Journal of Impotence Research, scientists strapped cell phones underneath the balls of male bunnies for eight hours a day. Their findings: the mobile (or not, depending on your point of view…cell phones are heavy!) rabbits showed just as much sexual enthusiasm as the phone-free rabbits. Sigh. Back to the drawing board…Who wants to help me star a rumor that cell phones decrease penis size? Anyone? Bueller?

25% OF PEOPLE ANSWER THE PHONE WHILE HAVING INTERCOURSE
OK, this is just rude. According to a poll by British company MyPhoneDeals.co.uk, 25% of the people polled admitted to answering a call while getting it on. Um, ladies? This is when you roll off, grab his phone, and smack him in the you-know-what with it. HARD. At least one thing will be…and it won’t be him for awhile.

STUDY OF BEETLES HAVING BEER BOTTLE SEX WINS IG NOBLE PRIZE This is just plain weird. Entomologists Darryl Gwynne and David Rentz finally earned an Ig Nobel Prize for their research with Australian beetles 30 years after starting a project based on the insects’ sexual habits. They’ve found that the beetles will try to get their freak on with discarded brown beer bottles, specifically the ones with ‘bobbly bits.’ Next up: fascinating research on why men opt for shiny, Lucite-heel wearing objects when wearing beer goggles.

A WOMAN’S LIP SHAPE CAN INDICATE HOW EASILY SHE ORGASMS
Given that I live in Los Angeles, the American playground of plastic surgery, I am about to poke holes straight through Stuart Brody‘s theory that a lady’s lip shape indicates how readily she’ll be making an “O” face (* side note, when I think “O” face, all I can think of is that terrible expression John Mayer wears when he sings). The University of West Scotland professor wrote a paper entitled “Vaginal Orgasm Is More Prevalent Among Women with a Prominent Tubercle of the Upper Lip” and named the plump spot beneath the cupid’s bow, or tubercle, as the best indicator of sexual satisfaction. After polling 258 primarily 27-year-old Scottish women, he says that it is the shape rather than the puffiness of lips that indicate an easy ability to orgasm. So whether you have thinnish lips like Jennifer Aniston’s or Angelina Jolie’s Mick Jagger mouth makes no difference: both women would be considered equal. To that I will say, “Stuart, sir, have you ever visited Hell-ay? Most of the females here have been getting Restalyne since their fourteenth birthday. I’m not sure they even remember how they looked pre-surgery.” So how bout them apples?

1 IN 5 WOMEN LIKE FACEBOOK MORE THAN SEX
Well, this is depressing. In a survey of 2,000 women conducted by Cosmopolitan magazine, one in five women would rather give up sex for a week than Facebook. That’s 20%! Who in their right mind…Sorry, lost my train of thought. It was time for a status update.

LAPTOPS CAN BE DETRIMENTAL FOR SPERM
Again, I’m going to sigh and moan “If only this applied to cell phones!” A new study published in the Journal of Fertility and Sterility suggests that close and constant contact with laptops can fry a guy’s sperm. A team of Argentinian scientists said: “Our data suggest that the use of a laptop computer wirelessly connected to the internet and positioned near the male reproductive organs may decrease human sperm quality,” after essentially zapping 29 samples of healthy sperm under the electromagnetic waves of a Wi-Fi connected laptop for four straight hours. What they ended up with were some very overcooked samples of should-have-been healthy little swimmers. All work and no play not only makes Jack a dull boy, apparently, but an impotent one.

MAN HAS SEX WITH DONKEY, SAYS HE THOUGHT SHE WAS A PROSTITUTE
Yes, yes I am a bad person for laughing uproariously at this, but I’m not alone (Sophie and Jody, you’re going to hell in a hand basket too). A Zimbabwean man named Sunday Moyo was arrested in October for shagging a helpless donkey. When he was caught in the act at 4 a.m. the 28-year-old protested that the donkey must have performed some kind of voodoo on him, because mere hours earlier it had been a — get this — prostitute. New Zimbabwe reports Sunday’s statement read as follows: “Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested. I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town night club and I don’t know how she then became a donkey.” According to The Herald, he also claimed he was in love: “I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with [the] donkey.” Jesus. What an ass.