No Tears or Anger: Responding to Negative Feedback

No one likes getting criticism. But it can be a chance to show off a rare skill: taking negative feedback well.

It is a skill that requires practice, humility and a sizable dose of self-awareness. But the ability to learn from criticism fuels creativity at work, studies show, and helps the free flow of valuable communication.

Tempering an emotional response can be hard, especially "if you're genuinely surprised and you're getting that flood of adrenaline and panic," says Douglas Stone, a lecturer at Harvard Law School and co-author of "Thanks for the Feedback."

Gillian Florentine was stunned when a supervisor at a previous employer accused her of working "under the cover of darkness." She was gathering internal data for a proposal she planned to present to him on scheduling flexibility for information-technology employees, says Ms. Florentine, a Pittsburgh human-resources consultant. She knew she should respond calmly, acknowledge that she sometimes made decisions on her own and ask specifically what had upset him. Her emotional response overrode her judgment, however.

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Can you learn to control the knee-jerk tendency of turning defensive or angry when faced with workplace criticism? WSJ columnist Sue Shellenbarger discusses on Lunch Break with Tanya Rivero. Photo: Getty

"I was like, 'Are you kidding me?' " she says. "I felt offended and personally hurt," and responded in an angry tone. Ms. Florentine later smoothed over the rift and promised to keep the boss better informed. But she told him that his wording had "felt like a personal attack on my integrity."

Many employees don't get much practice fielding negative feedback, managers say. It is out of vogue, for one thing: Some 94% of human-resources managers favor positive feedback, saying it has a bigger impact on employees' performance than criticism, according to a 2013 survey of 803 employers by the Society for Human Resource Management and Globoforce. Performance reviews are infrequent, with 77% of employers conducting them only once a year,

When people are criticized, the strong feelings that ensue can be tough to control. "If you end up in a puddle of tears, that's going to be the memorable moment," says Dana Brownlee, founder of Professionalism Matters, Atlanta, a corporate-training company.

If tears well up or you feel yourself becoming defensive, ask to wait 24 hours before responding, says Brad Karsh, president of JB Training Solutions, Chicago, a consulting and training company. "Say, 'thank you very much for the feedback. What I'd like to do is think about it.' "

People react badly to feedback for one of three reasons, says Mr. Stone: The criticism may seem wrong or unfair. The listener may dislike or disrespect the person giving it. Or the feedback may rock the listener's sense of identity or security.

Some people distort feedback into a devastating personal critique. Mr. Stone suggests writing down: "What is this feedback about, and what is it not about?" Then, change your thinking by eliminating distorted thoughts. "The goal is to get the feedback back into the right-sized box" as a critique of specific aspects of your current performance, he says.

Mr. Stone recalls a meeting years ago where a client tossed down on the table a report he and his colleague and co-author Sheila Heen had written and yelled, "This is a piece of s---!" Mr. Stone says his heart sank: "I'm thinking, 'This meeting is not going well.' "

But Ms. Heen had a comeback: "When you say s---, could you be more specific? What do you mean?" The questions touched off a useful two-hour discussion, Mr. Stone says. Ms. Heen confirms the account.

"What" questions, such as "What evidence did you see?" tend to draw out more helpful information, says productivity-training consultant Garrett Miller. Questions that begin with "why," such as, "Why are you saying that?" breed resentment and bog down the conversation, says Mr. Miller, chief executive of CoTria, Tranquility, N.J.

It is tempting to dismiss criticism from a boss you dislike. Lori Kleiman, a speaker and author on human-resource issues in Chicago, finished a sales call several years ago by signing up a new client. A manager who had been listening in called afterward, congratulated her, then delivered a critique: Ms. Kleiman said "like" too often while talking to the client. Ms. Kleiman bristled at the call, because she felt this manager frequently "one-upped" her, and at first dismissed the feedback, she says. But after some thought, she saw that the manager was right. As a result, she says, she began to choose her words more carefully and broke the habit.

Extra restraint is needed if a boss or colleague issues a critique in a meeting in front of others. "Don't create a scene. Just nod and keep a smile," says Mr. Karsh. Later, acknowledge the feedback, but explain that it wasn't appropriate or helpful to receive it in front of others. Ask that in the future, "we have those discussions one-on-one," he says.

Employees tend to become less defensive if they receive frequent feedback, says Catalina Andrade, training and benefits manager at Tris3ct, a Chicago marketing agency. Tris3ct trains managers to give frequent, direct feedback and to show empathy while doing so.

Some feedback may actually be out of line with your performance or character. It is fair to ask a supervisor about the basis for the critique, Mr. Karsh says. If the boss hasn't bothered to gather appraisals from co-workers, clients or customers who know and depend on your work, it may be all right to ask that their evaluations be included.

After reflecting on feedback for a while, however, most people realize, "I can totally see why someone would say that," Mr. Karsh adds.

Mr. Miller, the productivity consultant, says he was angry when a boss on a previous job scolded him for hosting an informal team strategy meeting the night before an all-employee conference. The meeting was productive. But the boss criticized Mr. Miller, reminding him of the boss's directive that no conference gatherings were to begin until the next day.

"I was screaming in my mind," Mr. Miller says, but he kept quiet. After some thought, he realized that "it wasn't about whether I made a good business decision. It was about his authority." He called the boss and left a voice-mail apology, saying he should have cleared his plans in advance. "All feedback has some truth in it," even if only to reveal how others think, Mr. Miller says. Before dismissing it, ask yourself, "What is the nugget that I can pull out of this?"

The best negative feedback is about what is to be done. Then a different course can be jointly decided with no hard feelings. So employees are well advised to regularly ask their bosses for feedback on their work plans. That is: present the work plan in simple and clear terms to the boss and then ask for feedback. Regular follow ups during the course of the work gives employees a chance to self-identify errors and unexpected outcomes and make course corrections. Then, during performance reviews, the discussion can focus on how the boss weighs the various aspects of the work.

As humans, we try to derive 'meaning' from another person's actions or comments. Negative feedback seems to send this mental cycle off the deep end in many people and can drive them bonkers. (Technical term...) Asking meaningful questions about the negative feedback often provides some outstanding insight into one's own performance. Answers to those questions may also change the feedback's 'meaning'. And even if the negative feedback is not based in fact, it is still 'real' in the mind of those delivering it and needs to be treated as such.

As a executive business and leadership coach, this article has some very useful information on how to receive feedback. Two additional factors critical for feedback to be productive are for the person offering the feedback to ask permission before offering feedback, and to know how the recipient likes to receive feedback.

International interpersonal communication that inevitably includes local culture bias is even harder to master.

Worst of all, however, is the lack of practice inherent in the low frequency of feedback. One must work very hard, especially with over worked technical professionals, to make the time for that communication.

Sometimes, only years of experience with trial and error validating training can make the difference. If all workers understood this serious limitation in us all, maybe they would prepare more when invited to engage by peers or supervisors

The article provides some helpful ideas about how to process and respond to negative feedback.

It also mentions the overwhelming reality that most feedback is positive (bland and meaningless). This is in part because supervisors do not wish to confront the anger, tears, and resentment depicted in the article's cartoon. This behavior shuts down communication, and I suspect that this is a subconscious goal. If I cry or rant, you will stop criticizing me.

Two more obstacles to meaningful feedback are a lack of communications skills among supervisors, and unions that decide to intervene in every communication in the workplace.

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