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Early on in life our parents, teachers and other family members teach us the importance of “taking turns” – an important lesson because it’s learning the value of patience and courtesy. Knowing how to take turns becomes even more important as we move forward in life as adults, as we build relationships and alliances with others that we need in order to sustain. But adult “reason” can get in the way of this – making some people, events, and things more important or convenient. This can be hurtful.

As adults we are more apt to apply judgment as to why some things are more important than others. We can slight people without knowing because our reasons seem just, so it is easy to assume they should be accepted by others. When we do this, we block other people from having experiences that they need to feel valuable and “part of.” We also block people from truly being known and appreciated outside of the roles that we tend to put them in.

A couple of types of situations come to mind. One is the position of “mother.” I have many clients in my West Chester and Chestnut Hill, Philadelphia, PA based counseling practice who are mothers. Their lives are busy with raising children and taking care of their families. They are the nurturers and always aiming to make things better for the people they love. Through their commitment to their families they often sacrifice of themselves. Over the course of years as children grow older and grow up mothers can continue to be viewed as the “givers” and not receive as much. Mothers may not be asked questions about themselves – How they are doing; what is going on in their lives, opinions, and thoughts, etc.. It is easy to overlook that “mother” is also a woman, friend, sister, professional, essentially a person with needs, wants and dreams of her own.

Imbalances can happen with friends, too. For instance, in a friendship between two young women one can be the talker, entertainer, and center of attention while the other can be quieter and go with the flow, but seems to be the “supporter’ or audience for the other. Over the course of years this imbalance can take its’ toll. Perhaps the “go with the flow” friend, realizes that she is no longer amused with her entertaining – high energy friend who seems to dominate conversations and require constant attention. She decides to move on in search of more equitable companions.

There is a time to turn the table and start giving back – Striking balance. This is important in all types of relationships, including friendships, coworkers, spouses, and siblings.

As much as we might not want to take turns and do what we feel is wanted or suits us, taking turns is necessary to relationships. At times we must let go of what we want for the greater good of relationship and of the other person. People can get stuck in roles within families, couples, friendships, workplaces and communities and not have enough room to be more of who they really are. Often, when people are stuck in roles they may either clamor or become withdrawn. Sometimes people do not know what is going on inside of them, but something seems off and there is dissatisfaction and conflict. Roles prevent people from growing – and, we are designed to grow. One cannot have a relationship with a “role” only with a person.

Stepping back and looking at your most important relationships, what do you see? How are you with taking turns? Is there someone or some people in your life with whom you could have a better relationship?

We invite you to explore your relationship skills. Are they working for you? Is there room for improvement? Do you have a friend or family member who might need a refresher?

Human emotions are complex. They are also unique to each and every person. This means that each person experiences emotions differently. If a group of five people who were sad were asked to describe their experience of sadness, we would more than likely get five different responses. Why? Because emotions are private experiences. Emotions are part of a complex tapestry including human temperament, life experiences, relationships, and perceptions. No two people are completely alike.

In my counseling and therapy practice in Chestnut Hill, Philadelphia and West Chester, Pennsylvania my clients tell me about their feelings and emotions and how they were responded to by the people in their lives. Since I work with issue involving, addiction, codependency, depression, chronic pain, etc., learning self- care and self- advocacy is of primary focus. In order to build these important skills one needs to learn how validate themselves. This is harder than one might imagine, especially if the person has been exposed or is living in an invalidating environment.

So, what is validation? Validation is to recognize and accept another person’s thoughts and feelings, regardless of whether or not you feel that they should be experiencing them. Validation helps us to develop a sense of self-worth. People who are validated feel reassured that they will be accepted and loved regardless of their feelings, while those who are not validated are more vulnerable to emotional and behavioral problems and relational difficulties.

We can validate another person by paying attention and reflecting back what we heard them share with us, asking questions, and identifying with them. This helps all of us feel “part of” and less alone. We can easily overlook the fact that ignoring others or neglecting to acknowledge them is indeed invalidation. This is why childhood neglect is considered abuse.

Here are a few everyday ways of validating one another. These can be built into how we communicate over the course of time and help improve relationships.

Listen with empathy and genuine concern, being careful to stay in the moment. Display interest and engagement through verbally and non-verbally: Nod and maintain eye contact, and use verbal replies such as “Yes” and “I understand.”

Be responsive by reflecting back what the other person has shared. For example, “It sounds like you were very hurt that your friend didn’t call you back.” Check for accuracy by asking “Is that right?”

Observe and articulate the individual’s unspoken feelings and emotions, based on what he or she says as well as nonverbal cues. Ask if your observations are accurate. For example, “So you are frustrated when your friend does not communicate directly with you about plans – That when she doesn’t call by a certain time that it means that she cannot follow through. You cannot accept that way of interacting. Is that correct?”

Communicate that you are aware of the “bigger picture” of the person’s feeling or emotion. Acknowledge that his or her current emotions are understandable within the context of his or her past experiences and/or present circumstances. For example, “Considering that you grew up in an alcoholic home with little stability, it is understandable that you would feel anxiety when cancels plans with you and things are uncertain.”

We can validate one another quite readily if we pay attention and seek out opportunities to do so. Validation strengthens relationships, communities and reduces conflict.

What is your experience with validation?

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Counseling & Therapy

Paula Tropiano is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Co Occurring Disorders Professional Diplomate (Certified at the state level to treat mental health and addiction issues occurring together).

Integrated Treatment Solutions is holistically oriented and applies a self-empowering, solutions focused, skills based approach in treating addictions to alcohol, drugs and other problem behaviors and issues related to mental and physical health. Learn more...