This blog was my lifeline when I struggled to make sense of all the emotions, information and hospital visits involved with expecting a baby with a heart defect. Now I write to come to terms with the loss of my beautiful baby boy when he was 3 days old.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I'll never forget...

I’ll never forget:

Knowing something wasn’t quite right at the beginning of my pregnancyGetting to know him when he was in my tummy – his kicks and squirmsMy belief in my instinct to know that he wasn’t going to die inside meFeeling at one with him in the last few weeks of being pregnantTelling my baby that if it was too hard and too painful, he could say goodbye

Seeing my baby boy hooked up to so many machines and feeling helpless and detached from himSeeing my baby hooked up to so many machines and feeling my heart breaking

His tiny little fingersHis tiny little feet

The Freeman consultant who told us our baby was probably going to die and the fact that he was chewing gum as he told us

Jamie fighting to stay awake despite being anaesthetised for his transfer from the RVI to the Freeman

The kindness of the nurses and doctors in NICU at The Freeman

Washing my son’s hair as he lay in his NICU bed

The last time we saw him alive – he was properly awake. We got to talk to him he held our fingers, we tickled his feet and we saw him smile at us.

Thinking that this was Jamie saying goodbye to us

Waiting at home for news of Jamie’s surgery and crying when we were told it had become complicated and Jamie had been put onto bypass

Seeing my husband sob uncontrollably

Waiting back at the hospital for further news about Jamie

Being told by the surgeon that he was fighting hard to save Jamie but it was looking unlikely

Seeing the blood on the surgeon’s boots, knowing that was blood from my son

Telling the surgeon’s we wanted them to stop. Jamie had been in surgery for 12 hours, he had been bleeding out for several hours, all of his internal organs were damaged, and he would most probably have suffered severe brain damage. The surgical team agreed with us.

Feeling like the walls were closing in on us as the staff went to switch off Jamie’s life support equipment

Seeing my dead son being brought into the room, all wrapped up as if he were asleep.

Hearing a scream and realising it was me

Holding my son and willing him to wake up

Kissing his cold skin and stroking his beautiful black curly hair

Telling him how much I love him

Wishing the nightmare would end

Holding my husband

Walking on the beach at sunrise the next morning. My heart was broken but it was so beautiful and peaceful walking on the sand that maybe it was a sign that his pain was over

Holding my girls

The kindness, the support, the words, the tears from family, friends and acquaintances

How difficult this year has been on all of us but we have found our strengths when we have needed it and I will never forget the strength of my children – they have kept us going on the darkest of days

I’ll never forget our little boy and the precious time we spent with himSleep well Jamie, we love youxxxx