M*A*S*H (MASH) S1 E15 'Tuttle'

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0:01:19:Hey, Trapper, how much do you suppose this stuff's worth on the black market ? 0:01:23:What would you do with your share ? 0:01:26:Pay for my hernia operation. 0:01:28:All right, let me see — blankets, powdered milk, penicillin. 0:01:32:Okay, that's everything. 0:01:37:All right, Sister Theresa, all set. 0:01:39:Oh, how can I ever thank you, Hawkeye ? 0:01:43:- And you, Trapper. - No, don't thank us. We're just acting on orders. 0:01:47:But whose ? Who's the author of all this generosity ? 0:01:52:Uh, Tuttle. Captain Tuttle. That's who. Right, Trap ? 0:01:56:- Captain Tuttle ? - One of our finest officers. 0:02:00:- And a beautiful man. -Just picture George Washington with John Wayne's agent. 0:02:05:I'll have the children at the orphanage write him a thank you letter tomorrow. 0:02:09:Oh, don't do that. He doesn't like anybody to make a fuss. 0:02:12:No, no, uh-uh, that's right. I mean, he's Mr. Humility. 0:02:16:- Captain Humility, actually. - Captain Humility. 0:02:19:-Just tell the good captain I'll be praying for him. Good-bye. - Bye. 0:02:29:- Lovely lady. - Yeah, but she could never be more than a sister to me. 0:02:35:Isn't she wasting her prayers on somebody who doesn't exist ? 0:02:38:- Who doesn't exist ? - This, uh, Tuttle you made up. 0:02:43:Who says I made him up ? 0:02:46:Don't con me. He's a figment of your imagination. 0:02:49:And what makes you think you're not ? 0:03:01:- Rough shift. - Picnic. 0:03:03:Oh, not too many wounded, huh ? 0:03:05:- No, no wounded. I worked on a pregnant infantryman. - Oh ? 0:03:09:Nobody can figure out how it happened either. He hasn't been near a woman in months. 0:03:13:Ahh, that's coffee. 0:03:16:- Hawkeye. - Anybody coming in here telling me about more wounded... 0:03:20:is sucking around for a lobotomy. 0:03:22:Captain Tuttle's gotta sign this requisition form... 0:03:24:before Sister Theresa can get her next batch of supplies. 0:03:28:Listen, how did you come up with a name like ""Tuttle'' anyway ? 0:03:31:- It was my imaginary childhood friend. - You had an imaginary friend ? 0:03:35:Yeah, if anybody said, ""Who knocked over the garbage ?'' I said, ""Tuttle.'' 0:03:39:They said, ""Who broke that window ?'' " "Tuttle.'' 0:03:42:- ""Who wet the bed ?'' - ""Tuttle.'' 0:03:45:He had no control at all. 0:03:47:- So when you got drafted — - He got drafted. 0:03:50:Just in case you wet your cot. 0:03:53:Precisely. 0:03:55:Hey, I had an imaginary friend when I was a little boy. 0:03:58:- Terrific. - Her name was Shirley. 0:04:05:- Your imaginary friend was a girl ? - Mm-hmm. 0:04:08:- What'd she look like ? - Like me,0:04:12:- only with tiny little breasts. - Out! 0:04:15:Out ! 0:04:23:- Good morning, sir. - Morning, Radar. 0:04:25:- Sign these, please. - Right. 0:04:27:Whoa, those stockings came out nice, sir. 0:04:30:- Yeah, my wife sent me some new soap powder. - Uh-huh. 0:04:32:- Uh, where do I — - Sign the original of each form, sir,0:04:35:and initial the carbon copies. 0:04:37:Or, if you want, you can sign the carbon copies and initial the originals. 0:04:40:And then sign this form signifying that you signed what you should've initialed. 0:04:44:Radar, do you really understand all this army stuff? 0:04:47:It helps not to be too bright, sir. 0:04:50:Uh, sir, would you sign the supplementary supply form, please ? 0:04:54:It only needs a countersignature. 0:04:57:- Captain Tuttle's already okayed it. - Fine.