America Declared A Republic

Today, at 11 a.m., GMT, the British colony of America today declared itself to be a republic.

In a move that shocked the world, the former Commonwealth citizens stopped speaking English, and stopped fighting pointless colonial wars in the Middle East.

Spokesman for the new American nation, George W. English, had these words to say about the drama: 'Yes, from now on, Americans will no longer be British, and will stop sending their troops to die to keep the British rich.' And fellow revolutionary, Edward O'Irish, added: 'Yes, for 250 years we've pretended to be independent - now we are! Honest, mum - I mean, mom.'

Political analysts have suggested that the newly-founded republic will succeed, but that it will take about a thousand years for that to happen, and by then nobody will care. But others have been less polite.

Speaking from his Zurich bank, Mr. George H. Thief said: 'Now we can really screw America, the British could actually run things, we're gonna turn the place into a fascist dictatorship, and spend all the tax money on weapons of mass destruction.' And speaking from England, Prime Minisbore Gordon Brown added: 'Whew! At last we've got rid of that massive tax loss. All we need now is to get rid of Northern Ireland, and then we're really laughing.'

But presidential joke, Hillary Clinton, said this: 'Where is America? Where are my Swedish magazines?'

Adolf Eichmann is being held in Guantanamo Bay.

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