Adolescents and Bullying Coaches

When secondary school coaches bully players, parents must intervene.

The question put to me was basically this: "It's bad enough when students bully other students, but when it's an adult who does the bullying, it's even worse. My son has a bully for a coach at school. What should I do?"

Fortunately, it's the exception not the rule when secondary school coaches abuse their authority to manage student athletes in their care. But when this misconduct occurs, a lot of damage can be done to adolescents who, despite their proud bravado to the contrary, really do care about how they are treated by significant adults, particularly when in front of peers.

Secondary school coaches have a lot of power. Unlike the mandatory taking of academic classes, athletic participation is voluntary, students electing to be there because they really want to play. In this situation, the coach sets the terms of involvement and students accept those terms out of their desire to play. How the coaching is conducted is part of the price of admission students must pay. That adult can determine who makes the team, what team membership requires, how players are treated, which players get reprimanded, who gets game time, and who gets kicked off for not fitting into the program.

It's hard to have power over someone's life and not abuse that power as most parents do sometimes while parenting their child, using a loud voice, threatening words, or the grip of angry hands to get their way, frightening the child into submission, bullying the youngster to get their way.

So the coach has power over the players' athletic lives, and in his or her zeal to win, in frustration with practice or play, or out of innate hostility, may bully a player for example's sake to show other adolescents what can happen if they do not adequately perform, if they step out of line, or if they fail to do as told.

Bullying behaviors from coaches include intimidation (using yelling and threats to scare into obedience), insulting (name calling to demean appearance, toughness, or worth), ridicule (making fun of bad play or lack of skill), humiliation (singling out a player for public embarrassment or blame), and benching (refusing to let a student play.)

The impact of these kinds of actions on adolescent age players can be performance anxiety about making mistakes, hesitant play because of unsure decision-making, loss of confidence one's capacity to perform, believing mistreatment is deserved, losing enjoyment of the sport one once enjoyed, even quitting the sport to avoid any coaching at all.

So what is a parent to do if their son or daughter falls prey to this kind of coaching? Consider five possible steps.

The first parental step is to give your child empathetic support for the hurt he or she is feeling. Then see if you can parcel out how much of the adolescent's adverse experience is due to what the coach is doing and how much is rooted in the teenager's personal response. Their student athlete needs to have realistic expectations. In general, students need to expect that playing for a secondary school coach can be more seriously competitive, more demanding of hard work, more critical of mistakes, and more personally intense than the nurturing, recreational coaching received playing on younger teams. Part of the hardness of playing secondary school sports is having a coach who can be harder on you.

Also, determine if the young person is taking personally treatment that is just part of the coach's harder operating style and given to all. For example, the coach believes in one trial learning and is impatient with anyone who doesn't incorporate a new instruction the first time it is given.

The second step is to get the teenager to specifically describe what feels like bullying behavior - what operationally happens, how often it happens, and to who it is directed. Now the parent needs to make sure the young person is not taking the mistreatment personally. A clear distinction needs to be made. The bullying is not about anything wrong with the player; it is about something wrong with the coach. If a determination of repeated bullying is made, the parent needs to ask the teenager's permission to talk with the coach on the young person's behalf.

This can be a hard decision. Bullying coaches with a successful program can have a lot of community support. In the world of sports, winning excuses a multitude of sins. In addition, bullying coaches create an atmosphere of fear that players, and their parents, can give extortionate power. The student player can avoid speaking up for fear of being seen as a complainer or a troublemaker, injuring their opportunity to play. The player's parents can fear speaking up for fear of making a bad situation worse for their son or daughter, or invite censure from other parents who support the program.

In both cases the coach is not confronted. The painful truth for players and their parents is that there are no self-made bullies. Bullies are partly made by the consent of those who allow themselves to be shut up and pushed around.

The third step, after getting specifics of mistreatment from their adolescent, is for the parent to ask for a private talk with the coach. Because parents tend to feel victimized and angry when their child is bullied, they have to get themselves in a calm place where they can present the specifics of their concerns without criticizing or attacking the coach.

Better to go into the interview acting like you and the coach share the same objective - to help your adolescent become the best athlete he or she can be. Your message is that for your child some of the coach's behaviors are getting in the way of this objective. Not all hard coaches mean to be mean. Some are just tougher in their approach and more competitively intense than others. Such a coach can simply be ignorant of his or her impact and be willing to modify the coaching to get players more enthusiastically engaged.

The fourth step, if the coach refuses to acknowledge or alter the bullying behavior, is for the parent to check with other parents to see if they share similar concerns about the coaching. If they do not, that can suggest your child is, for whatever reason, being singled out. If some do share your concerns and are willing to do so, suggest they all collaborate and make a united appeal, requesting a meeting with the principal, the coach, and the school district athletic director to lay out their concerns. In these cases, the voice of many is usually taken more seriously than the voice of one.

The fifth step is what to do if the individual or group appeal falls on deaf ears, nothing is going to change, and now the adolescent wants to leave the team, and even abandon the sport. "All coaches are bullies!" the young person objects. Not so. One abusive experience with a coach does not mean all coaches are abusive. While an understandable hurt response, this kind of generalizing is not a helpful way to deal with a bad experience. This would be like being bitten by one dog and deciding thereafter to beware the entire breed, or to swear off dogs entirely.

The parent needs to try and strike a bargain with the adolescent. Support the young person leaving this team if, after an agreed upon time out, he or she will consent to try another team with another coach who the parent can check out in advance. An experience with a bullying coach should not be reason for a hurt adolescent to give up on playing the sport itself, an activity in which the young person has invested a lot of time and effort, and from which he or she gains important self-esteem.

Bullying coaches abuse the authority of their position, often equating being respected with being feared. Of course they mislead themselves. It's not respect these coaches earn from players but resentment and contempt, because nobody respects a bully. By browbeating and mistreating players, bullying coaches can give a fine profession a bad name.

There is a difference between coaches that challenge and coaches that bully and its important parents know the difference. My son has played for both. How the kids respond or complain is clearly different as well. I believe as kids get older, parents need to distance themselves from being involved with coaching expcept in this one case. KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! From my experience, its watching how my student athlete responds over time in that relationship. Hardwork and perserverance in a positive coaching situation reaps rewards and growth that are positive in the end. Its not the win/loss record butthe student athlete stronger mentally and emotionally and finding joy in his sport and hard work. Bullied athletes mentally deflate over time no matter how hard they work. They are robbed of the joy of sport and competition, not because they fail in performance. They may win every game but lose there joy and eventually the love of the game. These are very different coaching relationships. Know the difference.

When high schools hire a football coach they should require not only a full background check, but also a character assessment. When hiring an un-seasoned High school coach at minimum they should be on a probation period till there coaching abilities are assessed. If a problem with a new coach’s behavior towards his players is brought up to the administration, it should be taken very seriously. I am finding my self in this situation currently because of a coach that not only lacks basic coaching skills but also display foul verbal demining behavior towards the players. This has my son on edge and he is very unhappy playing a sport he loves. As one of many parents faced with this situation, we are afraid we cannot get another coach at our school, and don’t want our son singled out as the one to bring down the team. We have already lost many players who have quit, and one would have hoped that it would have sent a red flag to administration that there is a huge problem, all I can hope for is that during this season no one gets hurt. Any advise?

Not sure if anyone will respond to this as the post is from
2012
My son is in the same situation except, my son plays
baseball. The football coach is now coaching the baseball
team and my son after 9 years of playing for schools and
travel teams has quit because of this screaming/cursing
coach. He started the off his first meeting with the team that he knew nothing about by saying he didn't like loosing. I sent a email to the coach telling him that my son
would no longer be playing for the team due to the yelling
as he doesn't feel he can endure it and play at his best. I
received an email 3 days later from him stating they wish
my son the
best of luck.
My son received backlash from his team
members calling him a wimp amongst other things, the
other coaches have changed and seem afraid of him
themselves. One coach approached my son and told him
that he was disappointed in him. I'm disappointed in him for sitting back supporting the coach for doing this.
My son has received support from
some of the students at school that would not play football
because of this coach. One coach told the entire team that my son quit as soon as he received the
email. The same coach informed a player that was inquiring
about some of the things that the "Head Coach" said to my
son by saying. There's more to the story and besides I don't deal with players that quit. He texted this to a player. This was someone that my son
looked up to. My son is now realizing that he actually does
want to play in college but refuses to play for his school
because of the coach. At this point I'm going to wait until the parents see what's going on with their own eyes because the players are not talking yet. This is such an
unfortunate situation.
We are on our own for now as no parents have called but
there is one parent that has raised an eyebrow as to why
my son would quit. Especially since he is one of the best
hitters on the team. I have supported my son in his
decision. At first I did not because it just came out of no where that he no longer wanted to play baseball. The deal
breaker for me was when he was near tears and told me he didn't know how he was going to get through it.
I'm hoping the coach will be exposed now that he is dealing with a different sport that he doesn't seem to know much
about and he is now dealing with a different set of parents
that I think will complain to the AD if they see it.

When high schools hire a football coach they should require not only a full background check, but also a character assessment. When hiring an un-seasoned High school coach at minimum they should be on a probation period till there coaching abilities are assessed. If a problem with a new coach’s behavior towards his players is brought up to the administration, it should be taken very seriously. I am finding my self in this situation currently because of a coach that not only lacks basic coaching skills but also display foul verbal demining behavior towards the players. This has my son on edge and he is very unhappy playing a sport he loves. As one of many parents faced with this situation, we are afraid we cannot get another coach at our school, and don’t want our son singled out as the one to bring down the team. We have already lost many players who have quit, and one would have hoped that it would have sent a red flag to administration that there is a huge problem, all I can hope for is that during this season no one gets hurt. Any advise?

If multiple players have quit the team over the coaching, then that means many people (players and parents) may have concerns about the coaching in addition to you. If so, all together request a meeting with principal, athletic director,coach and aggrieved parties to air the issues out. Option number one is always communication. Talk in specifics and not generalities; share concerns, don't attack.

After 4 years of being threatened to be "ended" by her cc and track coach he finally ended her senior year by benching her in her best race at State sectionals. She is the school recorded holder in this event and has run at State the last 3 years. The last week has been hell and she is so devestated that she can hardly get up and walk. The reason? She went on the French exchange arranged by school. It has ruined her high school experience. Thank you for this article that let me know that my anger and her grief are normal. This is a cause who's time has come.

All is not lost. Your daughter can take her record of accomplishment and will to achieve and invest it in her future endeavors to happier effect. The coach was just an unhappy obstacle. She has what it takes to move on succesfuly with her life.

We have a HS basketball coach who every year singles out 1 or 2 players to mis-treat and abuse. He will take guys off the JV roster and bring them up to Varsity and then will not play them. He makes them sit and watch and not put them in the game. These young men miss out on JV time and then not play Varsity and then at the end of the year the coach will not give them their Varsity letter stating that they didn't play enough to earn it!! To many of us that is boarderline sadistic treatment to these kids. He has crushed the quite a few kids over the last few years. No one will speak up for fear of being targeted. The A.D. and some Board of Ed. members attend these games and just look the other way. Do laws regarding bullying and abuse apply to teachers/coaches as well as students??

If parents are afraid of speaking up, what can you expect students to do? Bullying is enabled by witnesses and victims shutting up. Can't tell if this situation qualifies as bullying. At least it sounds like a coaching strategy that works better for the coach than for the affected students. If you know this is a standard practice, help your JV student faced with Varsity promotion decide if that is what she or he wants to do.

My 16 year old daughter is a well respected athlete having won 7 athletic awards in her first two years of high school. 3 of those awards were for Volleyball.
She has also been the team captain since 6th grade for basketball, volleyball and she was pulled up as a freshman to play varsity softball.
But this year, she is having a difficult time with her varsity volleyball coach.
Even though she has played in every single volleyball game since 7th grade, and was awarded the honor of an all tournament team last year, her Varsity coach has completely benched her. She has worked hard for years honing her skills and becoming a great VB player but now her coach has completely withdrawn from her, not even bothering to give her instruction during practice. At her first game, she was the only girl out of 16 not to play at all. I watched her on the bench try to smile and support her team members as they came off the floor but I could tell she was crushed. In the car on the way home she cried, telling us that before and after the game her coach verbally reprimanded her for the slightest infractions in front of her team.
Last year's VB coach told us he wished he had a whole team of her, this year's coach treats her as if she doesn't exist.
My daughter is that athlete who everyone just assumed would win the athletic awards and scholarships at the end of high school. She is a sweet, hardworking, team player who gives 110 percent. Her basketball coach told me that she is "just one of those girls." And yet, all of that appears to be in jeopardy because her new coach doesn't like her. I think it's as simple as that.
Her coach is a 24 year old girl who played VB in High school and I think is mentally still in high school.
But my daughter is angry, sad, ashamed and hurt and I don't know how to address this. She is losing her love for a game that she had adored and excelled at for years.
I honestly think her coach is trying to get her to quit. I don't want her to quit, having told her over the years that athletes don't quit, they work harder. And that is what she has been trying to do, work harder, do better and show the coach what she's got. It has always led to success for her before. But this time, it doesn't seem to matter and I am at a loss as what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I don't know what's going on. Only the coach could say. Certainly she could be asked why your daughter doesn't get to play, and what your daughter could do differently to get to play. If the answer is there is nothing your daughter can do, then maybe your daughter should apply her skills elsewhere.
Since your daughter is a multi-sport athlete, maybe she could concentrate on other sports she loves, or play volleyball in an outside league.

In Texas, football is a religion, not a sport. There is no end of talent and kids come out of the woodwork to play. There is so much competition, that is creates the need for "Select" teams. This is where you filter out the Ok athletes from the Strong & Competent athletes.

Many of the coaches played in college, which is a plus as they have great knowledge of the game. However, there is a dark side and that is the fact their own boys play the game. These coaches are "clickish" and "fraternal" with other parents who share their background.

Our son plays on a select team and he has proven himself to be there. He recently took the position of another player whose father happens to be one of the Coaches. This Coach constantly hammers on our kid with negative feedback, highlights his mistakes and displays body language that reflects his dislike for our son.

We are now at the point where we are going to confront this coach face to face, me and my son together. We are going to ask him the hard questions regarding his unsavory behavior and actions toward my son. It will be uncomfortable, but it's necessary because this Coach is a bully - and unfair.

If the Coach comes to his senses and gives us an apology with a commitment to change his behavior, we'll consider staying with the team. If not, we're leaving. And, we will email the entire roster as to why, what created the condition and how we responded to the problem.

My son, who has played soccer since he was 5, quit his varsity team due to a bully coach. When the team (they were 3-8-0) last year, faced the team that were runner-up state champions, they of course lost, 7 to 1. The coach punished them by making them run 4 miles at the next practice. At the last loss before he quit, the team was ordered into the goal, where the coach yelled at them for losing, he had done his part, he had given them the tools to win, why didn't they do their job and win the game? he had enough. He played the entire game (playtime is not an issue), but 12 kids played the entire game, while there were 19. A kid joined the team the day before the game, and he played nearly the entire time, while those who have been there all along were benchwarmers...While my son loved soccer, and loved playing, he has been so much happier since he quit. Most of his team has been supportive, and continues to tell him coach horror stories. We complained to administration, but they really do not seem to care. They seem to believe that this is acceptable behavior by coaching staff. The coach has manipulated my son for 2 years now (if you get this kid to sign up, you can play midfield), or belittled him (players don't tell me where they play, I tell them where they play, so he was forced to give up being goalie, even though he loved it, was good at it, and had won the position for the previous coach who held tryouts). The AD's response (she has proven worthless) was at first that we were the first complaints about this coach (which I knew was a lie and called her on it) then was basically that it was my son's loss...I do not understand why the school is "circling the wagons" and now seems to want to defend their bully coach....who has done nothing but drive people out of the program. The 7/8 program has 30 players (different coach), while the 9-12 program (coed, no JV, only varsity) currently has 17, although before this guy showed up there were like 32...
How come no one else is seeing this but me? I can't send my son back, his mental health and self-esteem are much too important. Any advice?

My son has made the team every year but this year he didn't . They had a basketball camp where there was drinking of crown royal and team mates got drunk . My son came home and told me and I went to the principle . There was nothing done to the players ., but the adult was do called turned over to the tobacco and fire arms people . The coach was called in on the red carpet for questioning and at try outs my son was told to go down to the para professional to do his scoring . People who have never made the team made it and he didn't . I think the coach took it out on my child because he was the one who turned them in . I think he is a poor excuse of a human .

You seem to be saying that parents and kids need to walk on egg shells around bully adults if they want to play sports in a school where they pay tax dollars to be educated. What the heck kind of advice is that? The job of a parent is to give their child the tools to succeed in life. That means not letting them believe that such behavior is okay in real life. IT'S NOT! If those bully coaches were bullying other adult employees like that, they'd be fired. PERIOD. A high school student is not yet an adult, yet you imply they should suck it up and take bullying from people in a position of power within an educational setting just because the other parents are too afraid of the overgrown want-to-be athlete to say anything. That's a piss poor way of dealing with this issue. Until the public is willing to take back their schools from idiots hell bent on protecting such, nothing is going to change. My advice is to run as fast as you can from any adult who would bully a kid like this. There are plenty of school districts run by intelligent and worthwhile administrators and coaches. A school district that allows adults to bully and drive away student athletes is not a place you want your child to be. If they treat student athletes like that, how are they treating the more at risk students?

I agree with you 100%. The problem is that only a few parents are willing to step up and say I'm not tolerating this and I see exactly what you are doing. These coaches are bullies and they can change a childs/persons life. My son was in a situation where he was bullied and suffered consequences by quitting the team. One of the coaches told another team member when he asked was it true of the reason my son quit the team "I don't deal with quitters". Ironically the same player that he said that to ended up quitting the team also because he did not want to deal with coach and his bullying anymore. Parents please know this is extremely damaging to your children if you do not acknowledge and support your children when they bring issues of bullying to your attention.

Important to help the targeted child not to take bullying personally -- as though it shows something wrong with him. It does not. It just shows meanness in the bully. As for being called a "quitter," that is just name-calling and only discloses information about the caller who is feeling hurt, angry, and threatened by a player who is quitting on him. The name-calling makes an example of the target to discourage other players who might want to leave as well. The bullying adult puts them on painful notice of treatment they can expect should they dare to try.

I think these coaches should be fired, but as you said "Bullying coaches with a successful program can have a lot of community support. In the world of sports, winning excuses a multitude of sins." At the least the school or association should require the coach to take an anger management class. And with parents and administrators present acknowledge and apologize to the victim.

When adult bullying of your child occurs, go one step at a time. If first not work, go on to the next:
1) Communication -- Give your child an empathetic hearing.
2) Coping -- Explore relationship strategies the child can use to cope.
3) Confront -- Encounter the bullying adult with the need for change.
4) Choices -- Explore alternative sources of influence and other options.

"Run as fast as you can from any adult who would bully a kid like this" is poor advice. It counsels helplessness, encourages victimhood, and it discourages resourcefulness.

My daughters were both in a sport for years and the coach stole money and was reported after that the retaliation started. The coach ruined my oldest senior year benched her for taking direction and refused her letter. School did nothing. Then our youngest tried out freshman year and this coach changed/altered scores and insulted her appearance. It was reported and the arrogant principal who is more worried about his ego did nothing. She changed her sport and made a team then they told her she did not make it without explaination. This coach has mental issues and has lupus. Her mind is fried and she is full of hate. School wont do anything,. We now have a lawyer.

His sport is basketball. It is something he loves with all his heart and soul and also something he is very good at.

Last year, we were frustrated with what we saw as unfair treatment in terms of his playing time and also a starting position. His coaches told him they liked him as the sixth man so we accepted it and went with it. Their team had a losing season, and we (and many other parents and community members) believe our son could have helped the team. We gave the coaches the benefit of the doubt, not wanting to interfere...for all of the reasons you mentioned.

Not long after the season, they started grooming our son as a varsity starting point guard for this year.

Our son is skilled, has a good attitude, is a team player, is dedicated on and off the court (he puts in two or three extra hours himself a day because he wants to), abides by all of the rules on and off the court, etc. He is also the only player on the team who plans to pursue a college basketball career.

Our coaches have always been harder on our son than anyone else on the team. They tell him it is because they care and want to make him better. His father and I disagree on whether or not this is true. I want to believe it but it is not what I am seeing. Also, at times his father doubts it as well.

For two months our son has been opening up to me about his coaches telling him one thing, then he does it, then they tell him something else. He has also shared with me how they address it when he lets them know he is confused and/or asks for clarification. I have been telling him that they are being disrespectful in terms of how they are speaking to him. He has said that he knows but that he wants to handle it himself.

Our son is harder on himself than anyone. He is honest with me/us when he has an off day. For two months, he has been telling me how well he has been playing at practice. He was sure he would be starting and helping his team toward a state championship.

The scrimmage before the season, he played really well, scoring 27 points.

Then comes the first game. At the last minute, one of the coaches nephews decide to go out for the team. He had not played for two years. He also did not play on summer league. He started over our son.

Our son is still getting a decent amount of playing time but he is always pulled right away with one mistake...other kids are allowed to have several turnovers or missed shots before getting pulled.

I am watching his confidence deflate. He is overthinking his game. All of the things you mention in the article are happening.

He has kept his head up through all of this and just keeps saying he will prove to his coach that he needs to be on the floor. He has already proven it! We are 1-4. We need him!

He came home from practice the other night and told us that his coach embarrasses him in front of his teammates and that he feels like his teammates are going to disrespect him because of it. He said he doesn’t even enjoy practice anymore. He showed us a text where the coach blamed losing on the kids for not listening...after our son asked for clarification on practice time...schedule said 4:30, and coach told them 3. He makes him feel stupid for asking questions, etc.

That night, I looked at his dad and said, “This is bullying.” That is how I came to your article and many others, all of which validated what I know is happening but that none of us want to believe.

Our son does not want us to contact his coaches. He said he doesn’t want to be the kid whose parents fixes his problems. I totally get and respect that. I even admire it.

But I am deeply concerned for our son’s well-being.

The coach stated at a meeting at the beginning of the year that if we want to talk with him we should copy our kids. I understand that, too. But I almost feel like his conversation needs to happen with just his dad and I and the coaches. At the same time, I see some value, for our son’s sake, of our son being there.

Someone else might see what you have reported differently, but on balance, what you have described seems to me to be less a bullying coaching issue than the competitive reality of secondary school sports -- you have to agree to compete for playing time and to play to win.

To manage this more intense approach, usually secondary school coaching is more aggressive than elementary school coaching that is more nurturing and intramural -- everyone gets to play and playing is for the fun of it.

If your son intends to play on a college level, he will likely encounter more demanding coaching.

Personally, I applaud your son for handling a hard situation well. The main thing is that he not allow the coaching to dampen his enthusiasm for the sport he loves, that he continues to talk with you about how it can feel hard, and that he avails himself of the opportunity to talk to his coach if that is what he decides to do.

Since you have significant concern about this situation, you might want to get better advice from someone knowledgeable in your community.

Thank You for your response. I feel like I must not have made myself clear. All of this is occurring (minus the benching and the quitting):

“Bullying behaviors from coaches include intimidation (using yelling and threats to scare into obedience), insulting (name calling to demean appearance, toughness, or worth), ridicule (making fun of bad play or lack of skill), humiliation (singling out a player for public embarrassment or blame), and benching (refusing to let a student play.)

The impact of these kinds of actions on adolescent age players can be performance anxiety about making mistakes, hesitant play because of unsure decision-making, loss of confidence one's capacity to perform, believing mistreatment is deserved, losing enjoyment of the sport one once enjoyed, even quitting the sport to avoid any coaching at all.”

Let me just add that so long as his team wins, our son is not concerned with his playing time, etc. Admittedly, as his parents, we still want to see him get what we feel he deserves for his talent, attitude and work ethic. Still, we are team players as well and encourage that with our kids. The player who came out of nowhere to take his position does certain things well but is simply nowhere near the caliber our son is. Our son earned this position, and it would benefit our team: it feels so confusing as to what happened. It literally feels like his coaches stripped this out from under him for no good reason.

I played ball through college myself. I have tried to view this as simply coaching at a secondary/competitive level (I personally have experienced that and bullying both). But something is just not sitting well with me, and when our son described how he was blatantly humiliated at practice the other night, that was the icing on the cake.

It really is challenging to know how to handle this type of situation.

Part of the change in our son is that he is bummed about their losing record so far (though he is incredibly resilient, thank goodness) but part of it is that his coaches, knowingly or unknowingly, are messing with his head. And it is heartbreaking and frustrating to watch.