self titled

Sunday, March 25, 2007

what's it going to be then eh?

sabrina says there are book people and there are movie people. i guess i am a book person because i think movies are pretty much stupid i mean reading a book is like watching a movie in your head right so i guess movies are the version for people that don't have an imagination. or the gift of literacy.not really any cooler looking than whatever i imagined in my own head when i read the book.

i mean i watch movies all the time. usually when i am so hungover i can't really do anything else besides sit in front of i don't know probably the shining breathing through my mouth and thinking GOD THAT'S PRETTY. even though i really really love the shining enough to watch it twice every time i am too drunk to sleep i kind of hate kubrick because he made a clockwork orange and i fucking hate that movie and i hate people that like that movie and that is pretty much all people in the universe. i feel like that movie is one of those movies where if you asked someone what their favorite movies were they would probably say it even if they never saw it. like when you ask people what their favorite book is and they already looked at your bookshelf and realize that you are way smarter than them so they say 1984 or something but then when you try discussing it with them it turns out they read it in high school and they don't actually remember it and then you start grasping for ways to get this person out of your house. that is what a clockwork orange is like everybody likes it and nobody knows why and i bet you it's like the most mentioned movie in myspace profiles or something.thank god you died so i don't have to find out how it could be possible for a movie to be even stupider than eyes wide shut.

i do not like a clockwork orange and i actually know why i do not like it i do not like it because i am a book person and i like books and that movie totally slaughtered the book. good job stanley kubrick you successfully desecrated a really fine peice of literature good for you. anyway the real version of the book has 21 chapters except the 21st chapter is missing in the american version of the book because i guess the publisher thought the ending was a cop out or something okay i will just tell you what happens in the end because you are never going to read it anyway alex rehabilitates himself. get it because human beings aren't clockwork oranges after all. and it's inappropriate to apply mechanical principles to human beings who are complex and are like an orange becaue they are capable of sweetness, duh. anyway the point is if i wrote a book about my ultimate faith in the goodness of humanity and then someone came along and turned it into that fucking movie, like if i methodically comprised my book of three sections and 21 chapters for a very specific reason related to the fucking theme or whatever and i titled it meaningfully i would be so super pissed if some fat bearded fuck came and used my words to make a movie of the same title that said like exactly the opposite of what i was trying to say. man if i was anthony burgess i totally would have shot stanley kubrick in the face by now.what did the five fingers say to the face? slap! i'm anthony burgess, bitch!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

god i get so restless this time of year.

sometimes i meet a girl who throws bottles through windows and condescends to maitre d-s until we get a table we never had reservations for at a hotel we are not staying at and we wear a bra on our head and later i get invited spend passover with her family in new york and i go because a one way ticket costs less than a bike lock. it's like if you spend enough time screaming at someone like HEY YOU FAT STUPID WHORE GET ME CHEETOS AND PEDIA-LITE NOW NOW NOW AND TRY NOT TO VOMIT IN ANY PLASTIC BAGS ON THE WAY HOME they have no choice but to invite you to the seder because clearly you are family. i have no impulse control. i can't help it i just get so bored all the time. do they have a pill for that yet?

Monday, March 19, 2007

these boots make me want to kill people

i went to the drake with my dad on saturday to eat snails for his birthday or whatever and i don't know what happened because on friday i looked like a pockmarked street whore and then on saturday i woke up filled with magical prettiness or something i don't know but everyone at the restaurant kept looking at me and it made me nervous and i guess i was yelling because my dad told me to be quiet except he was drunk so i was like YOU ARE CRAZY AND DRUNK I WILL NOT AND BESIDES EVERYONE IN HERE IS STARING AT ME ANYWAY. i wasn't drinking and i have no idea what my dad was talking about the whole time. if i was pretty every day and people looked at me all the time i think i would walk around completely filled with rage and probably stab someone in the eye eventually. i hate people looking at me.

Friday, March 16, 2007

stalking you stalking me

I JUST CHEKCED MY VOICEMAIL AND MY PHONE TOLD ME THAT SOMEONE TRIED TO ACCESS MY VOICEMAIL THREE TIMES FROM 847.864.5071. IT IS IN EVANSTON AND IT IS A BUSINESS TOO BAD WHEN I CALLED THERE IT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE A BUSINESS. I THINK I AM BEING STALKED BY A SUBURBAN DRUG CARTEL. THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

i just want to ride my bike to work what the fuck

yesterday it was nice as hell outside actually it was nice as hell outside all weekend and i started getting all excited about riding my bike to work so yesterday on the way home i stopped at the bike shop and got a new lock because last year i broke my key off inside my lock even though it is called a kryptonite lock sometimes i become endowed with superhuman strength apparently. anyway i didn't get a new lock until now because i lost faith in the bike lock industry i guess i was waiting for them to invent a new and indestructible bike lock or something. i mean my bike is a fucking 1968 schwinn collegiate nobody is going to steal it anyway so of course i would have a bike lock incident involving me destroying my own lock. plus then i had to cut the bike lock off jessica's fence with wire cutters YOU DO NOT NEED LEX LUTHOR LIKE DETERMINATION TO BREAK A KRYPTONITE LOCK YOU JUST NEED TOOLS.this is what my bike looks like but brown.

okay i don't know what the fuck that thing is made out of but i swear to god it weighs sixty pounds and i know i can carry a sixty pound box of books up and down three flights of stairs because nobody helped me move in here but a sixty pound bike is pretty much like trying to drag a flailing five year old child down the stairs. anyway by the time i got the thing down the stairs i was bleeding in three places and i wished i just threw it over the side of the porch. also the walkway to the alley gets smaller and smaller i thought it was like an optical illusion but no i got stuck in it. then i get on the fucking bike and it has a flat tire and there is no way i am trying to push it through that fucking walkway again so i am walking up and down the alley trying to find something to lock it to and a bum laughed at me. finally i threw it back in the yard.

then i come in the house to get a fucking air pump but can i find the fucking thing no. i just tore my room apart for twenty minutes NO AIR PUMP. WHAT THE FUCK. I AM GOING TO FUCKING RIDE A BIKE TO WORK TODAY OR DIE TRYING. the bike shop doesn't open until 10. i am going to sit here until it is fucking 10 and then i am going to the bike shop and i will probalby just buy a new bike because i hate my bike so much right now. probably i will go in there and start picking up bikes and be like I WILL TAKE THE FIRST BIKE THAT WEIGHS LESS THAN A PERSON. and that will be any bike because thanks to modern technology they no longer make bikes out of fucking solid steel. i bet if i crashed my bike into my nissan sentra the bike would win.

Friday, March 09, 2007

another friday night and i aint got no money.

i'm tired. i'm going to blockbuster and renting every john waters movie they have there and forcing my roommate to watch them all in a row and possibly making a blanket fort. plus i'm making tilapia and broccoli and sweet potatoes. and i guess drinking tea why not. maybe i will even wash my face for the occaison.

Erin: and i would know since i scour the sex offenders websites regularly.

Sabrina: erin, looking for love in all the wrong places since 1979

it turns out i excel at forming judgments regarding peoples sexual predilictions based on their appearences FUCK YEAH.

You guessed 15 of 19 correctly (%78.9). Your grade: B-Out of 1,870,743 people who took this test, the average score is: %49.3okay i'm going to blockbuster now and no i'm not actually going to wash my face isn't that the whole point of laying around and watching movies, that you don't have to not be dirty as fuck to do it?

Thursday, March 08, 2007

i know that i'm going crazy

i'm trying to stay home and be good like making blackberry and sage marinade like maybe if i put on an apron i will be okay because that is what all those ladies in the fifties did and fuck it those ladies had to be faltering between sanity and madness i mean look at their fucking hair but i don't even have an apron maybe if i had an apron maybe if my hair didn't look like shit already i could smooth it out and hide behind it.

i try not to listen to myself when i talk because i talk all the time i can't shut up i'm trying to distract myself from whoever i'm with and the fact that i'm bored and i'm scared of them and they're strange and stupid and even though i know they're real i can't completely convince myself. and i don't even know what i'm saying somtems i can hear myself and it sounds like i'm speaking in tongues i have no idea what i'm even talking about and if they pretend to listen i start to hate them for it and then at the same time i'm wondering what if i cut off my own arm and made human stock with it. and then laterout of nowhere i have this vivid image of me in my edward scissorhands boots stopming on someone's throat not anyone even some faceless nobody and i think about it until i actually gag because it's so disgusting. i don't want to stomp on someone's throat until the skin splits and blood gurgles out and sight and sound are reminiscent of some fat newborn eating strained blackberries. and then i have to wonder why i can't stop thinking of blackberries. that is it always, why can't i stop thinkg about xyz. fuck.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

i just got home and the back door was open like not unlocked open but like hanging open open so now i have to go through all the rooms and closets and make sure ed gein is not hiding in wait to make my labia into a mobile. okay now that i've made that awesome serial killer reference i will be able to sleep because if i actually got killed now that would make this ironic and meaningful and i know that i don't have it in me to say anything ironic and meaningful ever. once you laugh at something it can never hurt you in case you wondered, good night and good luck.

Friday, March 02, 2007

here is another story about worms for you

i guess you actually CAN get worms under your skin my crazy friend thought she had them. i can't decide if i should try to find a picture of this or not. ew okay it turns out theyr'e called guinea worms or some shit and you do not want to see a picture of it. they are just like my dream holy shit i think i am making up diseases in my mind and it turns out they are real it is like i am psychic i hope i don't actually have a guinea worms. my friend didn't think she had guinea worms she thought she had this other kind.

okay gross i was just trying to find out about the other kind for you and instead i found out when you have a guinea worm you get BLISTERS and they pop and BABY WORMS COME EXPLODING OUT. also if you have a worm in your rectum you can set a trap for it with tape SIGN ME UP TO PUT GO TO SLEEP WITH TAPE ON MY BUTTHOLE SO IN THE MORNING MAYBE I CAN PULL A GIANT WORM OUT OF IT. oh my fucking god.

i was going to tell you this really disgusting story about my friend who lives in mexico and had a massive tapeworm but i think i have already given you enough disgusting information for the time being.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

last night i dreamed i had worms under my skin like i could see them crawling around in there they were thin like a piece of yarn and like half an inch and right below the surface and you could see them slaloming all around in there and it was FUCKING SICK. and they itched too. and if you itched them hard and broke the skin you could maybe pull them out maybe not they were fast as fuck. also when you pulled them out they grew so it was like i don't know pulling yarn out of a skein or whatever the fuck yarn comes in but anyway like how you keep pulling it and it will come out forever. yeah it wasn't totally disgusting or anything. oh yeah also i didn't want anybody to know i had worms in my skin because i still wanted to like hang out and stuff even though i had a highly communicable growing worm disease. like anybody is not going to notice that i am scabbing bloody worms from under my skin. you should be glad you're not me because i dream about this type of shit all the time and also when i am awake. okay i just wanted to let you know how disgusting that was.