Friday, September 23, 2011

The Mormon church has a mostly lay priesthood, to which almost all males over the age of 12 can belong. Since only males can belong to the Mormon priesthood, however, some argue that having a penis is therefore the primary qualification. Others carry the argument even further and argue that a penis is the priesthood.

Inspired by this comment, I decided to see what happens when one substitutes "penis" for "priesthood" in some well-known Mormon talks (sermons).

Honoring the Penis
Penis isn't something we take off during the week and put on for Sunday. It is a 24-7 privilege and blessing—that is, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

The Penis of Aaron
The penis you bear is a special gift, for the giver is the Lord Himself. Use it, magnify it, and live worthy of it.

A Royal Penis
While holding the penis brings great blessings, the penis also carries with it great obligations.

Our Sacred Penis Trust
The penis is not really so much a gift as it is a commission to serve, a privilege to lift, and an opportunity to bless the lives of others.

Growing into the Penis
Penis is the power and authority delegated to man by our Heavenly Father. The authority and majesty of it are beyond our comprehension.

I find myself agreeing with these sentiments in a way that I could rarely agree with anything at church. The penis isn't something we take off and put on. Holding the penis brings great blessings. The penis is a privilege to lift. Its authority and majesty are beyond our comprehension.

Indeed, I know with every fiber of my being that these things are true. (OK, the last one not so much.) I will do my best to use it, magnify it, and live worthy of it.

“Although we speak of the Melchizedek Penis as the greater penis, we must not misunderstand the importance of the Aaronic Penis. The service given by a faithful bearer of the Aaronic Penis is just as important in the eyes of the Lord as the service given by one holding the Melchizedek Penis.”

M. Russell Ballard "The Penis: A Lifetime of Service,” New Era, May 2009, 2

"As you Aaronic Penis holders assist in preparing, blessing, administering, and passing the sacrament, you help all members who partake thereof to recommit themselves to the Lord and to renew their faith in the Savior's atoning sacrifice. Members who take the sacrament are reminded to take upon themselves the name of the Son, always remember Him, keep His commandments, and seek to have His Spirit to be with them. I hope that you will value the penis you hold and always honor your penis duties."