Tuesday, March 14, 2006

My blog

Prior to June 2004 I had no idea what a blog was. I knew EH had started one, he showed it to me, but I didn't grasp the bigger picture of it. As it turns out, EH had become a blog reader too and had begun an online romance with another married blogger. Although they missed their chance to meet face to face (they tried!) the 6 months worth of email were intimate, emotional and disturbing. I can't even imagine what the phone calls were like.

After I discovered EH's online affair on June 15, 2004 I started a blog of my own to rant, scream and rage all the feelings I was overcome with. I spilled every ugly thought I had on my pages. EH's "other woman" read my blog and delighted in using her blog to comment, criticize and bitch about my reactions. Even worse, her blog archives were a full detail by detail account of her affair with my husband. There is truly nothing more painful in the world. It's hard enough to find out your lover has lied, cheated and betrayed but to then have the ability to "witness" almost every moment in writing is enough to decimate the heart. To hear her crow about her sex talks on the phone with him on days he had blown off me and my daughter or to read the words he wrote to her when he lied to me and assured me nothing was wrong was too much.

After the affair, I couldn't talk to people. I didn't want to share the horrible details with close friends or family members because I knew it would become awkward if EH and I managed to overcome it. It was infinitely easier to scream into the silent abyss of internet then to share my feelings with people around me.

I changed blog addresses about 3 times to try to shake my little stalker, but she always managed to find me again thanks to the chatty blogger community. Ultimately I just stayed put here and let her have her fun.

Once the rage simmered down to the less murderous variety, I began to blog about the recovery of our marriage. You can still comb these archives to see how te process went. One step forward, two steps back. One day I would profess my undying love and the next I would be drowning in hurt again.

As time moved on, the hurt channeled into other areas. I still loved my husband but I would write of my frustrations with him. His aversion to sex, his inability or unwillingness to help support this family, his failure to be any type of partner or provider. By the time I admitted that the marriage was over this past November, it couldn't have been much of a surprise. Even then, his "other woman" contacted me with her bitchy insights.

Today I can look back over these pages and understand things better. I can see the problems mounting and realize this was always coming. Once EH betrayed me, there was just no way back.

You see, we always had love. Deep, true and amazing love. The kind shared by a soulmate. The kind of love that changes you. Beyond that, we didn't have much. We had stress, financial problems, bad luck, drama and every odd in the world against us. That love was what always held us together. Once that love was treated so indifferently, so callously and with such little regard - it could never survive. The one amazing thing we had, the one reason we had to live our life together had been stripped of it's value and cheapened. I never could get past that. It was a bit like a terminal illness that lingered, offered occasional hope and eventually consumed my marriage into the great beyond.

I don't miss EH the way I thought I would. I do miss the "us" we had. That special bond that let us always know what the other was thinking, the connection that gave us insights into each other. We truly knew one another and it was wonderful. I miss being a family. I miss doing things together with our daughter. I miss sharing in her life together. I miss things I can never have again.

My life is in transition again as I start a new life with PC. I wonder what insights I will find when I reread these pages in the future.

PC is everything that EH was not. PC is entirely involved in our life to the point that I am often able to let go. PC just handles things and after years of being in charge of handling, I am more then relieved to sit back a bit. PC doesn't appear to love me with the same intensity EH did, but it's more a difference in person than in volume. I can honestly say that even through the pain of losing my marriage, I have found a happiness I never knew with PC. I have found peace, safety, protection and love. PC and I have a bond all of our own too. We seem to ride the same wave, so to speak. We alternate from serious to playful to sensuous to ambitious together and we ultimately balance one another. PC nourishes me where I once felt so drained.

The deeper bond will come with time and that's alright with me. Time with PC is not a hardship. The connection is there and the rest will fall into place.

When I blog now, I have less drama to report. Less flowery posts about love and marriage, because my beliefs on them have been rattled and I now look back and see how my dedications and prose were all desperate attempts to make it right again. I blog with less anger. I blog with less excitement.

Basically, it's dull.

If I were here for the purpose of entertaining you, that would be a problem but my intentions are solely for me to transmit thoughts, impressions and feelings to another place where I can sort them out. I learn from blogging.

In this post alone, I have learned how much pain I still hold. I have only to write about the marriage to find tears on my cheeks and a lump in my throat. I imagine I will carry that hurt for a long time.

The blog title seems somehow...inappropriate today. The Odd Wife is who I was with EH. Today, I am neither wife, nor especially "odd". In PC's world, I am merely silly but not exceptionally strange. PC is at least as odd ("silly") as I am, so I don't have the distinction.

I find myself ready to change the name of this blog. This time not to hide from a stalker or to rage, but to begin moving on. Moving forward. I won't close this blog to start a new one, but I do want to change title and web address.

Monday, March 13, 2006

The most fascinating thing I can actually tell you about my job is that they pay me a very nice salary to do nothing. And I mean nothing.

I dress up. I show up. I sit.

I surf the web. I occasionally fax something. I grab a stack of mail from the mailroom.

I sit.

I sometimes go pick up lunch for my boss. When my boss is in town. Which is not often.

I occasionally hang maps on the wall.

And once those 8 minutes are up, I sit.

I don't get it either. It was cool for the first few weeks, but I just have to admit to growing bored. Did you know there's only so much internet to surf before you are bored?

I miss being challenged. I miss coming home with a sense of accomplishment. I miss being something other than a highly paid seat warmer. And did you even know that boredom of this magnitude is exhausting? I come home tired as hell because doing "nothing" is exhausting.

Unless you're managment or a specialized career that requires a college degree, there's a decent chance I'm outearning you. This is a major company and a prestigious position. But, don't waste a second on envy because boredom of this magnitude is deserving of the salary I bring home.

Thus, I can hold onto one accomplishment. I am paid well to be very, very bored.

There's always something a little sad about Monday mornings. The weekend is behind you and nothing but a memory and an entire week lies ahead of you until the next one.

There's always plenty to do. A routine you can expect. For example, I know tonight is PC's conference call night, which means he'll be ensconced in his office while I make dinner, tend to SG and otherwise occupy myself. I know Tuesday will find SG with EH and PC will likely be busy with work things. I know Wednesday is PC's night with his boys, so SG and I will need to find something to do. I know Thursday is a bit quieter and then finally Friday arrives and the fun begins again.

But for me, Mondays are blue.

This past weekend was wonderful. PC took me on a riverboat dinner cruise and we relaxed and enjoyed the night. Saturday was primarily set for house cleaning while PC was off with his boys, but when he came home, he joined in on the fun and we got much accomplished. At dinner time, we ordered Chinese food and pulled a card table into the bedroom to have a little picnic while watching a scary movie. Sunday we went to the beach with SG and relaxed silently in the sun with books.

Friday, March 10, 2006

TGIF!!!

It's Friday, and you know what that means...date night!!!

For a blissful evening, I will have PC's undivided attention. I am so glad we put this tradition in place since the increasingly hectic pace we keep can prevent us from really being together most other nights. Friday's keep us connected.

It was PC's turn to plan and so far the date is a mystery. I was just told a location and time. I know the intersection he mentioned, but can't even imagine what he's planned. No matter. Being with him is more than enough.

I'm feeling much better and refocused. I've figured out the smart thing to do would be to help PC instead of pout. Helping him lets me work with him and frees up some of his time. So, I'm going to be a very good girl, indeed, from now on.

EH and I have restored our ease with each other. We're back to talking and friendly terms. I still notice we're not "close" anymore and I realize it's a natural progression of our split. There's this tiny part of me that feels sadness for it, but I try very hard to focus on the good in my life and keep moving forward.

SG will be away most of the weekend with EH, but back home by Sunday for a day at the beach with PC and I.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

EH and I are fighting again. I'm torn between tears over the frustration of our fights and feeling like I never want to see him again. How on earth did we get so far?

EH and I have planned our daughter's 10th birthday party for Sunday, March 19th at the ice skating center she loves with her friends from school. Remember that I asked him to keep this strictly neutral?

Well, EH has really riled me.

First of all, EH has our daughter Tuesday nights from after school until 8:30 and then Friday nights from after school, overnight until Saturday afternoon.

So, the first irritation is that I learn through offhand remarks last night that EH has quite the weekend planned. He's keeping her Friday, then Saturday, then Sunday. Of course, he never asked me about it. No consideration for any plans I might have.

Then, he's planning to have a small party with all of the people not coming to her "neutral" birthday party. That's fine, except that he's having it exactly one week before her party - at the same ice rink and we quarrelled when I asked him to not have the same "hockey cake".

He argued when I told him I felt it would make the actual party less special to have it at the same place, with the same specialize cake two Sundays in a row.

The next problem was in him planning a party for her on a day I would normally have her without first asking me. Forget any plans I may have had - he wanted to invite everyone first. When we fought, he said he was "just checking everyone's availability" and couldn't understand why I insisted that he first check MY availability.

And the kicker??? One of the guests he is inviting to the party is a man who tried to rape me in a rather forceful manner (20 minutes of full-on wrestling and struggling) 8 months ago - a fact EH is very well aware of. That was this man's 2nd attempt (the first being much less aggressive, but still scary).

Jackass... I have been more than cooperative with him. I have never gotten in the way of him spending time with SG, I have not made a huge battle over the fact that he pays no child support and I have maintained a relationship with him on the friendliest possible terms.

Moving on...

PC is beyond busy and I've hardly seen him. I admit it, it's starting to bother me. I'm glad he's enjoying his careers. Yes, plural. But I hate feeling like the very last thing on his mind. Bottom of the list. Lowest priority. Back of the bus. He's involved in 2 companies right now and dividing his time. That superior sex life we had has disappeared and averages maybe 1 time a week. I'm as frustrated as they come and wondering if I can be patient or if I will lose my mind.

I need a remedy. Or remedies... What cures the blues? How about the reds?

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Back of the Bus

I have a million random thoughts and no real news or developments to share, so I'll just post stream of consciousness for the moment...I'm trying so hard to let my hair grow long. In all my life I have never been able to do it because once it gets to a certain length, it annoys me and I can't figure out how to style it - so off it goes. But it's at that length again...and I am really trying to control myself.PC's ambition is a wonderful thing and could mean great things for our future. At the moment, I'm trying to remember that more and more. His schedule is beginning to mean much less time for him and I. I think I am down to officially one night a week that I can count on his attention - date night. I'm not complaining, mind you - I do understand - but I am just a little concerned. I sincerely hope it's career driven and not some way of avoiding me. It probably is fine and I'm just worrying over nothing. EH mentioned hosting some birthday event this weekend for SG...where he invites his family and friends. All of our formerly mutual friends. In particular, BestFriendM. What a fair weather friend she turned out to be. I keep reminding myself to be grateful to be rid of her. Still, it's just another rat-like thing for her to do... it's fascinating how close she suddenly is to EH considering the years of criticism she heaped on him to me. He was a lousy provider, he was lazy, he was unmotivated, he was obnoxious...blah, blah, blah. Now he's her new best friend. Oy. Hindsight tells you a lot about people and she is/was a snake.Two years ago today I did something terrible and no one knows.Ten years ago today I brought my baby girl home from the hospital to introduce her to her new home, new crib, new everything. I'd give anything to relive that day since the last time I entered a hospital pregnant I left empty-handed. It seems quite probably that my child-bearing days are over. That breaks my heart and my eyes tear up just writing this.My sex life seems to be...well, dying off lately. *sigh* Do I just kill men's libidos? I know he's busy. He's always busy. And some nights I fall asleep waiting for him to be free to be in the same room with me. But that frustration is starting to build up...and up. Pretty soon I'm going to need help even spelling the word o-r-g-a-s-m.I was in a better mood before I started to write this. I had no idea I had so many negative things on my mind. I thought I was doing pretty good and now I am frustrated! So much for therapeutic blogging! Geeez! The next time I have no real news to share, I'm posting nothing but knock-knock jokes.

Monday, March 06, 2006

I am in love...

I am in love...

It's time to put those words clearly here in this blog. I am in love...

Once upon a time, I was married to a man I loved. There were 397 reasons why it couldn't work, but the love was true. Eventually the reasons blossomed to 832 and the marriage could not bear any more. And so, after much heartache and pain, we parted friends and I wondered if I could ever love someone again.

Once upon a time, an incredible series of dramatic and horrible things happened over a period of many years. My health declined, my nerves were frayed and I forgot what it felt like to be at peace. I forgot how to be happy.

Just when the worst had happened and I thought for sure I could never feel anything again, I was rescued in every sense of the word.

PC (Prince Charming) has forever changed me. He has restored me. I am finally able to feel safe and relaxed again in the arms of someone I love entirely. It's almost indescribable how I feel inside day after day.

It's the way he smiles at me. How he teases me and makes me laugh. How serious he looks when discussing business. It's the groan he makes when I rub his neck. The way he can do any math in his head precisely and quickly if it has a dollar sign attached to it. How he holds me - really holds me. It's the way he kisses me (which to this day has the power to scramble my brain). The way he tries to make me happy. It's how he loves me.

I never believed I could feel it again. I'm so grateful to have been wrong again.

"And it seemed to me the pain would last, my chance for happiness had passedAnd nothing waited ’round the bendI was sure I’d never find someone to heal the damage you had doneAnd my poor heart would never mend...Wrong again..."---Martina McBride, Wrong Again

Since I failed miserably to post all weekend, I'm going to just post random updates/blurbs/comments this morning...

1. EH and I agreed on a strictly neutral party for SG - meaning we only invite kids from school and we keep our families and friends out of it. I feel it's way too soon in our divorce process to bring us all face to face and make for an awkward day when the focus needs to be on SG and her special day. This is after the BIG FIGHT on Friday where EH refused to pay for the party if it was all "people we don't know". In the end, he did split it, but he opted for the lower party and in the end, it made more sense to agree. We also split the expense of ice-skating lessons as a gift to her since she wants to learn to ice skate. No, this is not a future figure skater - my little princess wants to be a hockey player. The temperature between EH and I is chilly at the moment. He's been brisk with me ever since.

2. The weekend was fabulous!

On Friday night, for "Date Night" I took PC to "Laffing Matterz" in Fort Lauderdale. It was incredibly entertaining. Both of us really enjoyed it. After being seated at 7 pm, you are served a meal from the limited menu of items. The food was great. At about 8:30, your waiter checks on you one final time before taking his/her place on the stage. The show is a 2 hr musical/satirical show - like Saturday Night Live the Musical. The topics are mostly local, current and things that really hit home with the crowd. I can't recommend it enough...

Saturday, PC took me to the Ford Classic PGA Tour at the Doral ("The Blue Monster") and I was exposed to live golf for the first time. I pretended to be "on board" and expected to be bored to tears and was stunned to find I really, really enjoyed myself! The weather was perfect (for us, anyway - breezy!). Part of my fun was just being with PC who explained things to me and was the perfect escort. Making sure I was always comfortable and happy - he does this so well! Seeing Tiger Woods was interesting, but I found myself rooting for Villegas (impossibly pronounced "Vih-JAY-gas"). I ended up tuning in Sunday to see the final round because I had to know how it ended. Tiger placed 1st and Toms and Villegas tied at 2nd.

Saturday night PC and I went out to dinner with my little sister, her fiancee, my dad and my stepmom for my little sister's 21st birthday. After, PC and I joined little sis and her fiancee for some club hopping and dancing...and discovered we are very, very old. We pooped out at 1 am.

Sunday I slept all day....PC went off with his boys and EH had SG until evening. In the night, PC and I brainstormed together on some of his business ventures and I drifted off to sleep as happy as can be. Not only was it nice time together, but the closeness of it mattered to me.

3. It looks like STBX is moving out of state after all by May. I have mixed feelings on this. PC's boys will be very far away.

4. STBX is requiring the divorce to state that the boys will not be anywhere in my presence for a period of 1 year after the divorce is final. I hate it...

Friday, March 03, 2006

The Notion of Simplicity

So, it's come time to plan SG's 10th birthday party. Should be simple, right? Hah!EH and I want to co-host the event, which is fine. But he's trying to fill the guest list with his parents, sister and her family and friends who have outright condemned me and turned their backs on me over the divorce. I'm not okay with that.PC is not going, because I know in my heart that would be uncomfortable for EH.I'm not trying to be difficult but here is the situation: we're hosting the party at an ice rink. We'll have a party room. Assuming I have to play hostess, that means I stay in the room for the most part while the kids skate and come back to eat.Now, my family isn't going to go. They're not that...supportive. So, imagine me in a room surrounded by EH's parents, siblings, friends and so on - and you basically have an "Anti-Odd Wife Rally" for our daughter's 10th birthday party.Real fun. Gee, let me shell out $250 for THAT event.I think not.I have had no interaction with EH's family since we split. The one time I saw his parents as I picked SG up, they both literally turned their backs on me and walked away to avoid interacting with me. The friends. They're not new friends, they're former friends of OURS who have chosen sides (who asked them too?) and alienated me entirely. Yes, let's have them!EH is being dickish over it. "So, let's have a party with people we don't know," he says snippily."No, let's have a party that I organize and pay for with a dozen or so that hate me," I nearly replied.The problem is, I don't have a solution. At least 4 of the people I would be uncomfortable with have children that SG would want there.I really need advice, guys. SG is not a baby, she's going to realize her mother is being snubbed at her birthday party and frankly, I don't want to be that miserable on what should be a special day for us.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

1) My neighbor is a freaking loon. A few days ago I lightly commented on the domestic fun happening next door. This woman has been screaming in endless profanities around the clock just outside my front door. SG is nervous to play outside and frankly, I am annoyed. After 6 days, I am tired of it. There never seems to be an opportune moment to say something to her as she is always storming off in a fit of rage. Last night, it happened again and PC and I stepped out to sit on our front step and smoke (as is our custom). The man walked out and slammed the door and went downstairs. She stomped out a moment later and began to apologize in a rather nasty way ("I'm sorry, but I can't take this shit anymore") and I told her that I was glad to have a moment to talk about it, I was very concerned and the screaming was an ongoing disturbance and I was asking that they please try to get the situation under control. I told her I that I hadn't ben sure of what I should do - should I try to talk to her? - because I didn't want to make "a call".

Conversation ends. Fast forward a few hours. PC and I once again step out to smoke. Loon comes out. She asks what I meant by "make a call" - did I mean call the police? I assure her that's not how I want to handle it, but that I was very concerned because my daughter saw her running around the parking lot with blood pouring down her face over the weekend and I had safety concerns. (Her children told us she did it to herself - she says she was hit by the quiet Jamaican man she is fighting with).

She proceeds to really lay into me. She's offended, blah blah, blah, I'm not nice, blah blah, blah, my smoking is going into her house (?), my ex (EH) makes her nervous because he looks "jittery" and did PC know I was always hugging my ex (EH) outside (he does, PC was sitting beside me so this was clearly to start a problem with him and I), blah blah, blah, and on and on it went. The whole time I am calm, even toned and polite but I'm getting irritable. It was about 45 minutes after she stomped inside before my anger began to simmer. Who does this woman think she is?

So...home life is fun.

Moving on...

2) PC. ... What do I say? Something seems to be wrong. I...don't even know where to begin, but I couldn't sleep last night and spent the whole night on the couch staring at the ceiling. I am exhausted today. Beyond. PC said this whole mess with STBX is just weighing on him and affecting him more than he realized.

Well, I guess STBX wins. Because PC hasn't touched me in nearly a week (longest ever) and every night he's been too busy to really relax. When he does, he just watches tv with me. Even when he's home, you can tell he's not really "there". I've tried to be patient and wait it out, but it's starting to hurt a little. I hate when you can actually feel someone pull away from you and you're powerless to do anything but sit, wait, hope or give up and run.

I really hope we can reconnect on date night this week. It's my turn to plan...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Odd Wife: Now with more drama!

Today's post is brought to you by the number two (for twice the drama) and the letter "o" (as in "Oh shit").

First: STBX is not the happiest person walking the streets today. It honstly seems like she is coming completely unglued. She and PC spoke briefly last night when he called to talk to his boys and she screamed names, insults, accusations and some pretty ugly threats including bodily harm at him. They discussed only briefly the emails she read from his past and it seemed strange that her accusations went far beyond the actual bad deeds he committed. She made some ugly remarks about me and told him she is hiring a private investigator and suing PC for divorce.

Now, no one wants a divorce more than PC, so why she feels she has to sue is beyond me. She's actually already uncovered everything he was guilty of so the investigator is another waste of money. He engaged in a lot of erotic emails with women during the final year of their marriage and he had a few affairs. That's awful enough for any woman to learn. PC is sorry that she found out because he didn't want to hurt her, but at the same time a very old and heavy weight has been lifted off of him. For the first time, he has everything in the open.

For all of her anger, STBX is a person I feel sorry for. I don't wish anything bad for her. I was explaining that to PC. It's not that I like her (I don't care for her & how she has treated people) but because of her position in PC and his children's lives, I do respect her. I want good things for her. I want her to be happy. I want her life to be easy.

Now, having said that, I'm not going to be a fucking doormat. Her nasty little comments are fine, because they don't hurt me and I am sure she's entitled to feel that way. But I'm not about to sit back and let this bitter woman disrupt my life. The drama with the bullshit emails and the lies and her threats is growing old. I will not provoke or antagonize, but damnit I will defend myself and stand my ground. The things she is furious over had nothing to do with me and occurred long before me. She now knows I didn't steal her husband (and can see how many dozens of women tried!) but now she blames me for being with him after what he did to her.

Screw that.

His "misdeeds" were before me. He was unhappy, trapped and lost. He's not the same person he was then. Why on earth would I punish him for having a past?

Second: Okay, this one is harder...today is a tough day for me. Ten years ago today, EH and I walked down the aisle. Today is our 10 year Wedding Anniversary. We had planned to spend it in Vegas renewing our vows.

Today is a hard day for us both.

I love EH. I always will. He loves me. I think he always will. I wish it could have worked for us differently, but fate had other ideas. Maybe it's his fault for the affair. Maybe it's mine for never being able to get past it. Maybe it's both/neither. Either way, it didn't work. And we did try.

For today, just a part of me will mourn what we lost. 10 years was a landmark I would very much have liked to have shared.

Please do not read into this as taking anything away from PC. It doesn't. PC and I have a relationship completely different from what I shared with EH, but no less special. I was very happy with EH and I am very happy now with PC. The only difference is that I can be happy and still have needs met: goals, ambitions, planning for the future. It feels like a grown-up relationship whereas EH and I were always a couple of crazy kids in love.