Nokia unveil the new N0M8s; the world's first 'Smart Human'

With the number of ‘Smart’ Phones predicted to overtake the number of people on the planet, mobile phone giant Nokia have unveiled a new product that will result in the creation of the ‘Smart Human’. The new product, the Nokia N0M8s will be in the form of an implant in the skull, and will enable the customer to fulfil all of the functions of their phone.

Nokia’s Chief Executive, Stephen Elop, told a press conference ‘this has got to be our most ambitious project. Customers who have the implant will be capable of remembering dates, doing basic calculations, and talking to other ‘End users’ verbally as long as they are in range, all without the use of a handheld device.’ The N0M8s will be released in beta form, allowing for updates to be made to the software. ‘Using hands and an ‘ink-stick’ on paper to leave messages instead of a keyboard, buying music in disc format, and the ability to use a diagram of streets in book form described by some as an ‘analogue Google Earth’ to get around are just some of the expected advances to be made.

Critics say that this will see the beginning of the end for teenagers hibernating in the safety of their bedrooms, and may encourage them to go out to socialise with other users. Kieran Alger, Editor of ’tech site’ T3.com said ’after all the hard work put in by the technology companies to get kids off the street, this feels like a backwards step. My Grand-dad used to talk to people face-to-face, write letters, and he certainly didn’t know what his friends were doing at any given moment. What good did it do him? He died’

Early tests have gone well and users of the technology have been described as appearing ‘very life-like’. Mr Elop told us that they were ‘able to do things and act in a way not seen since the 80’s. We do accept the software may need a bit of tweaking though. We have seen some trialists struggling to string together a sentence of more that 160 characters and one man became so embarrassed about actually having to buy his porn over the counter, he spent the next 10 minutes shouting ‘clear history’’

Lovely stuff. I have to laugh at the iPhone advert where a young dork asks his phone “is my brother here?” Firstly, why not phone him and ask, secondly, as he (the dork) is sitting in the stands at Nottingham Forest, the answer is almost certainly “no.” 5*