Melanie McFarland has her finger on the pulse of the television remote. The networks, the premium channels, the great shows you love and the asinine shows the rest of America watches … she knows what's on. If you have a question, e-mail her at tvgal@seattlepi.com.

ABC’s Stephen McPherson makes us almost lose it over a “Lost” announcement

Now, I don’t mean to sound jaded because for some of you, that is the biggest OHMYGOD piece of news that you may have ever heard. You will call your friends, write letters and start planning parades. Whatever brings you joy.

But if you knew that Perrineau was always supposed to come back — a morsel most “Losties” tucked away the moment Michael sailed off at the end of season two — your reaction may be along the lines of:

“Oh. Nice. Well, that should be interesting … hmm, what’s for lunch?”

ABC entertainment president Stephen McPherson needed something to get us talking, however, because his network doesn’t have much to buzz about. Oh, it has shows: “Pushing Daisies” elicited high expectations along with the inkling that we probably should not get too attached.

A number of us also like “Dirty Sexy Money,” the new drama starring Peter Krause. These series haven’t debuted yet, and outside of the Beverly Hilton, not many people have watched their pilots.

There have been a few verbal reports of free-range Perrineau sightings over the past week or two, though — which could have been unrelated to this news. Even so, the sightings led some of us to believe that if he is or was here, ABC might have something to say about his return to “Lost.”

If you’re McPherson, what can you do?

Then the lightbulb came on: Poke the bears. Poke, poke, poke.

This is the second to last day of what has truly been one of the more controversy-free (i.e., boring) press tours in memory. No littlest grooms; no lippy, empty-headed actresses; no uproar over “American Idol” or “Dancing with the Stars.” No muttered threats to choke one another. No spontaneous live re-enactments of “Destroy All Monsters” in the lobby. Yup, we’re over this thing like it’s Paula Abdul.

However, as our earlier encounter with Star Jones showed the world, there is no better way to get us antsy than to dangle the carrot of an announcement only to yank it back and state said announcement would be made in a “more appropriate forum” than a room full of journalists.

Jones must have known that a column in Glamour about her weight loss would have gone ignored if she didn’t manufacture some kind of kerfuffle. Know who’s always hungry for a worthless kerfuffle? TV critics trapped in hotels.

She dangled and yanked, making us press, push and threaten, only to find out upon closer inspection that the carrot is actually an inedible root with no nutritional value. We feel used. Us Weekly picks it up from there.

Hence, during this morning’s executive session when McPherson stated that ABC had a hee-oooge announcement to make about “Lost” — at Comic-Con, it did not go over too well, according to the accounts of several moles. (Sorry, I skipped it to prepare for an afternoon set visit.)

Here’s what happened next. “Say what?” a few people said, followed by, and remember I’m paraphrasing here, a hearty chorus of heh-heh-hell no.

The very idea that a room full of socially awkward types who get paid to obsess over people and worlds that do not exist would be passed over in favor of a convention center stuffed with socially awkward types who obsess over people and worlds that do not exist — while wearing costumes! — was simply unacceptable. We are the true nerd herd, the gatekeepers of stupid information! We WILL cast Intimidating SHOUT!

Much badgering and hissing ensued and all told, my understanding is that we were a tuft of chickadee fuzz away from storming the lobby, overturning limos and setting this bee-yotch on fire.

Finally, with a sigh, McPherson relented. Well, he said, since he was sure Damon Lindelof wouldn’t mind … OK, Harold Perrineau is returning.

Waa, waa, waa, waaaaaaaaah.

So, there you have it. I hope it’s worth it to you kids, but if it’s not, consider flying down to San Diego. My guess is that ABC probably is holding a few things back.