A personal release from the ties that bind.

moving on

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I’m done crying and I am done trying. I am done listening to the narcissist’s constant spew of ever flowing lies. It’s making more and more sense.. The lies, the twisting and the debilitating way he preys on my kindness and understanding with no remorse, guilt or admission. He moves on to his next victim as he entertains and dances his grandiose version only he thinks of himself and which he tries to portray to his children and closest enablers. The selfishness in hurting your own children in this manor should be an act punishable by law. It clearly is child endangerment, mental harm and setting them up for a life of disillusion, confusion and trauma and ultimately recovery or a life of hell.

Yet nothing will be done. They will fall through the cracks of our intensely messed up society and continue a life long trail of harm. Because there is ALWAYS another victim to replace you. Always.

Ultimately a breech of contract within our own ten commandments surly punishable for an after life in hell with their father, Lucifer.

How does one wrap their head around this calculated and masterminded torture that starts from the very moment you fall for their false persona? How does one make sense of this? Educate yourself, take a look at yourself and if you see you are always hurting in your relationship with occasional bouts of happiness with someone. If you keep changing to make things work yet it’s never enough and there is always a higher bar, always just out of reach and never acknowledged. If you are a positive and optimistic person who is pulled down constantly by their negativity. If you find yourself believing in their potential more than they do, yet that doesn’t come to light until they no longer can suck anymore life out of you or when they see you’re catching on and standing up for yourself. Then, you are no longer any good to them and they will leave you. Then you look back and you see it’s been years in the making. You wonder how in the hell all of this happened?

It happens because you are a kind, loving, emotional, giving and positive human being with a soul. That’s why they seek you out. If you lived in a toxic environment growing up infused with alcoholism, mental and physical abuse you are a target. Don’t second guess yourself. Ever. You are the target. It will change your life more than you could ever even possibly visualize or fathom. Until the day the relationship ends and you see how quickly they move on to the next victim as though you are absolutely nothing to them.

They get you to go through a phase where you are trying to explain how you know what’s happening, you bargain to work with a counselor because you dove in so deep educating, trying to find a reason for the constant chaos, then you realize it was their plan all along. They sense your coming to terms and they start to retreat. They surround themselves in the company of their enablers and reclaim their pedestal. Abandoning you. If you’ve been set up over a long period of time you may be so invested, financially it will take everything in your power to be released from their grip. You can and you will. You are fighting for your life now.

Life shattering.

This is the only way I can explain this new found information. How it all comes together to make perfect sense in it’s true timing. Do not and I repeat DO NOT think poorly of yourself for falling into this awful trap. It’s extremely deceiving and you really are being preyed on for your gift of empathy, your caring, honest and loving personality. DO NOT change this about yourself! Be single until you have dealt with the damage, processed and moved forward from it. You need to make sure you don’t fall for this again! I see all of the red flags looking backwards now.. I see all of the “hooks” he used to keep me constantly hoping for a partnership and family life. It would never happen this I have now learned.

I will not allow myself to be in this type of relationship ever again. That means my eyes are wide open, my lessons have been learned and I will conquer my past blind mistakes. I am using my pain to push me forward. I am finally standing up for myself. I was traumatized throughout my childhood and into my adult years by my own blood. I trusted in them to not hurt me. I learned from a very young age and by their teachings on what love is..

THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!

This is what you do. You pick yourself back up, you dust yourself off and straighten that crown! You distance yourself as much as possible from them. Mark my words, if you don’t, they will pull you back in and play off your emotions, trust, heartbreak and pain. They are testing their boundaries with you. They will lie to you, they will guilt you and they make you feel like they want the same out of the relationship. When in fact they don’t want anywhere near the same as you. They are so emotionally dead inside they are not able or capable to love. They are so weak and damaged and they will never ever do anything to change it! They are content moving from one victim to the next and never having to face their demons. They will never see their wrongdoings nor will they ever fully admit to them. I fell for the partial smoke screen admittance, don’t do it! They will eat you alive if you let them.

Physically, I can feel the burning flames and see the clouds of smoke, smoldering around me that I am left and abandoned in and struggling to breathe. Holding onto my children for dear life, giving them any ounce of oxygen I have left to give. He casually walks away, as if to have thrown the final match, never once turning back for even a glimpse. A glimpse would mean he has feelings, emotion or empathy. He is dead inside. He has not an ounce of emotion for others let alone for himself. It’s “His way or the highway.” He walks away from the burning flames and into the arms of the new embers he has so delicately and meticulously cared for in preparation to throwing that final match.

He goes on, never looking back and never having any regrets…for now.

Remember this…

Actions truly speak louder than words. And this goes for ourselves and others.

Everything we think we have stuffed or buried within ourselves or ran from will catch up to us…one day it will ALL catch up!

I can tell you this much, ending a 22year relationship isn’t easy, it’s absolutely fucking heart wrenching! How does someone suddenly stop all conversation and treat you as though all those years meant nothing, not a God damn thing!? I feel like I put every ounce of myself into the relationship to constantly battle issue after issue after issue. I loved so many things about him when he was sober. When he looked at me with love and compassion, when I meant something to him.

Now I’m absolutely nothing to him.

He is so cold. Even in a break-up I could never in my life be so cold to another human being. How do you just drop everything and start fucking someone new and bury any and all emotion to our relationship? I have to remind myself that by being a narcissist is how you do this. Yes, I see all the evidence right in front of me yet it seriously doesn’t take away the absolute devastation and heart break I am feeling right now.

Why can’t I just let go? Why do I have to grieve the hardest I’ve had to grieve yet other than my mothers death? Why am I grieving a person who for the past two years has treated me with nothing but disrespect, control and manipulation. Like a puppet. Why did I have to be the person to see his potential and hope more than ever one day soon he would see it also? My dreams were for us. For our children. Our family.

Now it’s gone, over and done. Just like that.

I feel like you can be so open and honest with a person then have them use it against you to make you feel awful only to support their shitty behavior towards you. Then spend so many years going through some of the most difficult times with each other and supporting the person to become the best version of themselves that they can be and then just be shoved aside as though all of it meant absolutely nothing at all. How can people be so cruel? Why?

It’s been a very hard day for me since a message from him earlier this morning. I clearly see he has put me in the past and moved forward. He quit. And it brought on instant flowing tears on and off all day and evening.

I feel like it was all a lie.

And the truth is we were toxic together, yet why do I still see and feel that th is shouldn’t have ended like this? I’ve realized my codependences and I have done everything to learn how not to be that way and my actions prove this. He agreed with everything I learned on what he was dealing with to help him. He would listen and talk a little about it and agree. Yet there was never any action behind the words.

My head is spinning and I want this heart break to end. I want to shut it out or deal with it anything to make it take it’s course as fast as possible so I don’t hurt so terribly bad any longer.

It’s crazy because about three months prior to our ending I noticed the way he looked at me. It was the look of sadness. The look of distance. It was the look of guilt. I knew something was off then and I asked him yet he always denied it. I feel like that’s when he was securing his next “fix” and knew he was going to say good bye to me in the near future. His eyes showed more than he could ever imagine. I knew this man very well yet now, I feel like I’ve never even met him before.

Something doesn’t feel right, he’s never been like this and it worries me that this is the calm before the storm kind of situation. He’s too calm.

My brain is finally slowing down from writing and getting this all out of my head so while I have some peace, I think I’m going to get some sleep. Speaking of which, months ago I awoke from a very vivid dream involving him with another woman, his mother was in my nightmare also supporting him and it felt as though she was behind the demise of our relationship in my dream. It was so real I woke up crying so hard I could hardly breathe.

Now my reality that I am living is that nightmare I had..

I’ve always had a sixth sense or premonitions when it comes to bad things happening. I pick up on others energy or changes in a persons voice or actions and mannerisms when it isn’t something good… I ignored the ones I’ve had the past sixth months…

All because I trusted he loved me as deeply as I love him. I believed he would always love me. I believed he would love himself, his children and our family so much we would withstand anything and come out on top stronger and better than ever.

I was so wrong and now I am paying the price mentally, emotionally and physically.

It’s truly awful knowing essentially he planned this. He wasn’t man enough to be honest, to put in his all. He pushed me to the point I had no choice but to end the relationship due to his lack of actions and his down right being cruel to me. I can only pray he feels the guilt one day to the extreme I am feeling. And the heartache and heartbreak I am and have been feeling for months.

As much as I want to wish him the best I’ve realized today I am still far to angry for his selfishness and what it has done to us. Most of all what this has caused for our children. It absolutely devastates me.

Notice how I didn’t say, “rough days?” That is because I realize how we need to feel these moments whether it is a moment of joy, happiness, sadness,despair or accomplishment. We need to acknowledge these moments yet not let anyone of them control our entire day. Earlier I went way to far into my sadness, to the point of forgetting the reality of the reason for the break up. With it raining all day long I could have easily slipped into a full day filled with tears falling as quickly as the rain fell from the sky .

I didn’t though.

I instantly dove into reading and researching Co-dependency and Narcissistic relationships. I quickly was able to relate and remind myself why I am on this journey. I also was able to see how to heal from Co-dependency and become healthy. How not to pass this onto my children. Because I can tell you this is not what I would ever want for my children to have to figure out in their adult years. Thank goodness there are only literally a couple things I have said or done that would plant the seed into my children. Which I am fully aware of now and I will make sure I do not say or do certain things to them. The blessing is that somewhere deep inside, I have known how not to treat my children, by how I grew up. It was the subtle things I didn’t realize until now. I still carry deeply embedded issues within me and those are the things I am changing and working on.

I had posted earlier on how I spent so much time figuring out my ex husband that I never took the time and energy to dig into myself and my childhood. Every Co-dependent wants to “fix” everyone else and so easily can see everyone else’s problems yet it is literally impossible to take care of yourself when you’ve put so much energy into everyone else’s happiness. I am very happy to say I have no interest in wanting another relationship for quite some time because it’s going to take some time to make sure I’m taking care of myself. Repairing the damage done by the adults in my childhood.

Fuck that pisses me off!

To see right now how God damn damaging they were to me.

I was an innocent child.

It pisses me off to realize this now, when I have three children I have brought into this world, prior to realizing all of this. My biggest fear is their fathers impact on them. Especially since Narcissistic people will never change. Never ever will they change, and do not forget that. How can they change what they never see? The damage done to children by parents is unbelievable. And it’s heart wrenching to know it’s passed down usually generation after generation. Co-dependent people have a chance at least in my opinion. Narcissistic people don’t stand a chance in changing.

So make sure you really evaluate how your parents or caregivers raised you. How they talked to you and treated you. If you had an alcoholic or any trauma in the family during your beginning years make sure before you get into a relationship that you are aware of behaviors you are carrying before having children if possible. You won’t fuck them up and you’ll be such a better parent! Not to mention having a wonderful relationship and a healthy spouse/partner!

I seriously think this is a root cause of what is happening in our world. The amount of hatred, disrespect, selfishness and increase in divorce and a decrease in healthy committed relationships. The list could go on forever of negatives. How’s that for irony? It’s like a trickle down effect that just keeps getting worse. I bet there is an overabundance of Narcissistic personalities walking among each of us in this world.

Think about it…

How are all these crimes like killings, bullying, shootings, robberies, rapes, kidnappings increasing at alarming rates? A coincidence in negative behavior and Narcissistic personalities, I don’t think so. I had originally believed that is was due to parents not teaching their children respect, honesty, loyalty or appreciation. Now I’m not so sure if these are the only causes.

I would bet that behind every person committing these crimes, there is a 99.9% chance, of the person being a Narcissist with secondary or multiple disorders and/or addictions.

Mental health needs far more attention than this world is even considering.

I am terrified for my children, due to the fact that their father, has with out a doubt passed on some severe traits. Hopefully my awareness, along with their own wisdom, they will not inherit these behaviors. I have one child who I know with out a doubt is going to struggle as he is the child of an alcoholic and now I see the other behaviors/addictions he is subjected to by his father. I’ve seen with my own two eyes the lack of showing love to his boys verbally, I’ve witnessed the constant negativity that is projected onto the children by him and I would always come in to “save the day” with positivity and pointing out how my one son is always so negative. The first words out of his mouth to anything is negative and I remind him of this because it’s worrisome to see this behavior. I could feel it just by being around the two of them for an extended period of time. To the point I would have to leave as it drained me mentally and physically.

Yet I was always made the fool for pointing out these things…

I know that I stand a chance in supporting my children by offering what I have learned and by continuing to educate myself so I respond in a healthy manor to these situations with them.

The best I can do is show them through my actions and give them some “food for thought” in hopes that they are open to learning about the Co-dependent vs. Narcissistic relationships.

Their future depends on it along with their children’s futures…

Best saying I’ve learned yet,

“When you point a finger at someone, remember there are three pointing back at you.”

Start with yourself always. It took me far to long to understand why my life has always been such a struggle. When all I’ve ever wanted was a happy life, a happy and healthy family and a happy home. What I have always wanted most, was always sabotaged, and now I understand why.

So my ex-husband text me asking to take our son, who is five and autistic, on vacation four hours away for a week. Now most people would be just fine with this. I am not. I am not for the wellbeing and for the best interest of my son. My son has therapy the day they wanted to leave with him and he also has therapy the following day. Now I explained to my ex the reasons I do not feel it is safe for my son, and yes I use “my” because since the day he was born I do 200% of his care, to be away for that amount of time.

My ex has never had my son overnight without me in his entire life. When my ex has had him for longer than three hours something is always an issue and my son tells me when he gets home. He has a brother who has major behavior issues and when he acts up it effects my youngest. My youngest complained that Dad didn’t stop the older son and it hurt his feeling and it made him scared when they were yelling. I have seen first hand and my older child was always told if he wanted us over he needed to stop the behavior or we would leave. Sometimes his behavior changed for the better and we stayed, other times it became worse and we would leave. Now mind you during all of the confrontations my ex wouldn’t say a word and if he did it would be him swearing and yelling at our older son.

I have been to the cabin they use up north and I have been there to first hand witness how grandma allows the children to drink alcohol as does my ex. These kids are all underage. Now this year my step son is the only one of the kid of age to drink. Previous years I have seen my volatile ex brother in law drinking and freaking out at any given moment. I have seen my ex drinking with the kids. He acts like he is one of their friends and he is back in high school.

I’ve witnessed constantly how drinking delays dinner and usually it’s burnt or over done due to lack of judgement by either my ex or his brother because they are intoxicated. I’ve witnessed my niece who has more issues than a treatment center start some sort of drama that grandma jumps in to save the day or enable.

I actually left for a day with my son because it was all so overwhelming to be around them and the tension was causing my son so much stress we had to get out and do something away from all of them.

I realized after reading this I had not finished writing! ugh, that tells you exactly where my mind has been lately!

So I declined to have my son go with his father and his grandmother up north because I don’t feel it’s in the best interest for my son nor is it in the best interest of his safety. His father didn’t put up much of an argument yet his grandmother felt the need to ask me through Facebook messenger. She felt the need to tell me how I need to think of them and their wants. Not once mentioning Keagan’s needs or best interest. I decided it was best to not entertain her and I have not been responding to her messages bullying me. I don’t think she will ever understand and I absolutely am not the one to be able to have her understand. There is far to much hatred from her to me. She would never fully listen or understand.

My son has a medical diagnosis of Autism. She refuses to believe he is not what some would consider “normal” when really what is the idea of normal anyhow? The problem is she refuses to believe he needs the added help and therapy. She chooses to make this about me and that I’m going “overboard” with his treatment and care. Her idea is, “He’s going to school in the fall.” so he’s just fine. She has no idea what it takes and has taken to get him to school. In that I mean the struggles I have faced and continue to face. Do I mainstream my son? Will he do alright? Will the kids break him and discourage his amazing desire to achieve and be the brightest light in the room? He gets so upset when he doesn’t understand social situations and this hurts him. He retreats. He doesn’t understand. Mom and his therapists are the ones to teach him coping skills, to give him the love I need to as a mother.

It’s not just as simple as signing him up for kindergarten for he or I. Especially when his father is threatening to stop paying for where we live, knowing I can’t afford it, which is also very scary. I have less than a month to figure out school. I have to consider therapy, IEP meetings, transportation, care before and after school. I have to find a new place for us to start making memories, a new place that is scary for not just myself but for my son. Change isn’t a strong area for him as he is greatly attached to people, places and items. All of these things that neither his father or grandmother even consider. They have not been a part of his care at all. They hardly see him and they have so much hatred towards me. All I am concerned for is my sons continued therapy and his wellbeing. I’ve also learned to focus on my health and my happiness. No longer letting those who aren’t involved try to harden me.

It would be nice if people in this situation would truly put my son’s best interest, happiness and wellbeing first. Because that is truly the only thing that matters…My son.

Well folks…I gotta say he (ex-husband) sure duped me. He has fully and completely broken my heart this time.

I found out today as I am bringing our son to hockey what he got so emotional about the other night. He over heard his grandmother talking to her friend and knew something was up..in fact his father slept with her gardeners sister while on the trip to Hawaii…

Nothing like he and I sleeping together for the past three months and him coming over to my place and having sex after Hawaii…fucking makes me want to puke.

I asked him so I knew where we stood..he said he wasn’t fucking anyone nor was he looking for a girlfriend.

Today after dropping our son off at hockey I text him saying, “So you slept with Amanda in Hawaii…I got it. Good luck with her.”

His reply, “Have a goodnight at work.”

Yeah….thanks.

I tried…can’t say it isn’t the hardest thing to hold back that lump in your throat, the elephant on your chest and put on a big old smile for everyone you see. And all my co-workers know something is wrong with me…they ask and I never thought I’d have to decline a hug…as I knew it would open the flood gates of hell.

I will get through this.

I hope the good lord has something better planned for me in this life because it feels as though no matter where I look my life is falling apart. It’s almost as though I have this awful black cloud that won’t leave me and I honestly wonder if it ever will.

Maybe I need to change back to my maiden name.. I kept it because I guess in the back of my mind I thought one day we would actually work through our bumps..or maybe when his mom kicked the bucket..apparently it’s not just her that’s the problem. Now he has become a liar… I think it was his way once and for all to get back at me for filing for divorce as that broke his heart more than ever…I’ve never heard the end of that either.

I’m unbelievably heartbroken right now..but “This too shall pass.”

I feel quite broken and lost right now yet I know it can’t last forever and this will be the true test of when one door closes another opens.

So I’ve come to learn or realize that there will be situations or moments when I’m reminded of how let down or hurt I still remain by my divorce. I also instantly remind myself of how brutal the pain was living with him. As my mother would always say, “This too shall pass.”

And it will..

For the moment..I’m going to allow myself to feel what I feel…it’s sadness, jealously and anger.

Most recently my ex brother in-law became engaged the night before Christmas Eve..my ex husband said he couldn’t pick our youngest up from daycare for me..it was my night so it was understood. He said the family was going to dinner so his brother could give her a ring..he instantly said, “They aren’t getting married, it’s just a ring.”

I think he said that given he knew how much it meant for me to get my new “just a ring” two years prior on Christmas. My ring though was picked out with his mother..he claims he designed it..who knows. And he was completely wasted drunk the day before and the day of..I knew I was getting it, we talked about it..so I open it and honestly I didn’t like it..it was nothing like I had shown him..he picked it out with her and he was so awfully drunk leading up to it..I felt awful but the ring didn’t seem to fit “me” I guess you could say..and when I opened it and put it on he said, “Now you know if anything happens, I get the ring back?” I think that was the final blow… Just what every woman wants to hear right..

A little insight.. When he proposed to me we were in Naples Florida at Gordon’s restaurant..we, meaning his mother, him and myself. She kept hinting during dinner..finally he asked me..no bended knee..(he may have fallen over drunk)..his mother so excited lets everyone around us know he proposed…

Well no ring, she gave me a heart shaped god awful looking temporary ring..when we got home I had to drive three and a half hours to get the ring from her home..she was passing on her first ring from her second husband. I thought how cool is this?!!! For real, I was so excited because it had a really great story of how he proposed to her and he was one of the greatest men I have ever met in my life..he was also dying. Even though I had to go get it myself..by myself and not a proper proposal..it was a beautiful ring with a beautiful story..that meant the world to me.

So we divorce, I kept the ring..

I never had any intentions of selling the ring..it meant the world to me..even while going through the divorce. I was in an accident on the way to our divorce hearing..major accident. I was out of work, lost my job..didn’t have a dime to my name. I asked him if they wanted to buy the ring from me and I was told they wouldn’t be extorted for money..

That was NEVER my intention.

I sat in the parking lot of the bank, my gas light on..no money, no food and I had to go pick my kids up and needed to get them to school again the next day..I didn’t have any other option in my mind at that moment. I brought the ring in..I cried the whole time, the lady even asked if I was sure I wanted to do this…I said, “I don’t have a choice.”

Never…ever..were they to let me live that down during the time we tried again three years after our divorce. He and his mother always had some comment to make me feel even worse than I did on my own for having to part with that ring. I even remember wondering why a woman with so much money WOULDN’T want it back? I realized why, her hatred of me outweighed any attachment she had with that ring…I had more sentimental attachment to it than she did…

To this day, I still find that unbelievably sad…

It feels good to tell my story..to get it out..so many close to me may not have known how much that situation affected me..still affects me.

I have to say the hardest time for me is when my two and a half year old son visits his dad every other weekend and Tuesdays overnight. I miss my little man so much it’s crazy. I also know what goes on while he is over there..I can see it in him when he returns or hear it in his voice when I talk to him over the phone while he is there.

I have three boys, sixteen, ten and two and a half years old..all over the board! (And an eighteen year old step-son I was around since he was 2.)

To explain the dynamics a little…my ex husband is an alcoholic and current cocaine user…I know your saying, “what the hell are you letting the kids go there for???” It’s not all that simple.

My ex husbands mother is EXTREMELY wealthy…we’re not talking a few million wealthy…we are talking hundreds of millions wealthy. With that comes control..

A little background…

We divorced in 2006, then in 2009 were hanging out together (which included sex) for some time and then found out we were pregnant with our now almost three year old son. I moved back in with him..in the house we were given as a wedding present that I was able to pick out. Almost immediately after our son was born the drinking and drug use on his part became worse. At this point I didn’t want to leave because I knew how his mother and her money controlled things in court during our divorce..I couldn’t go through that again.

I decided I needed to get a job doing something, I couldn’t go back into the medial field as the car accident left me with a four level neck fusion and unable to lift like I used to do. I went back to bartending..only part time at first..then I gradually picked up more and more shifts because I felt alive again being around the greatest group of coworkers I could have asked for! And the best boss I have ever had made/makes it great too!

Then in June of 2012 I found out I was pregnant again… I was thrilled beyond belief..maybe this was my girl!!! He on the other hand flipped out..and I mean flipped out..telling me we were going in and I was to have an abortion!

Are you kidding me?! I was 38yrs old him 42…no way was this a form of birth control and as far as I was concerned..I took care of the kids from the time they were born anyhow..financially, his mother gave him on a monthly basis…over ten thousand dollars easily..she pays for their college tuition where ever they want to go..so why would I think any different. We were supposed to be together this time to the end, through thick and thin…his true colors were showing again..and I needed to take off my rose colored glasses once again.

Wanting my marriage, my husband and my children to have a family was what I wanted more than anything..yet anything was seriously being tested to the fullest.

His mother tore me apart on how I should not be having this child…found any and everything possible to absolutely rip me apart on how wrong I was to have this child when her son did not want it. Last time I had checked, he was fully aware of how children were made…can’t say he wasn’t at fault also. Knowing I wasn’t on birth control.

August 8, 2012 I went alone to my first ultrasound. There was no heartbeat. My child had died at two and a half months. I was absolutely showing, family, friends, coworkers and customers knew I was pregnant. At that moment my whole world fell apart…

I dealt with this alone..for the most part. He was with me for the D&C procedure..watched me fall apart..cry uncontrollably..watched the physical and emotional pain I was in…never would ask how I was doing. Never once wanted to talk about it.

I did receive an apology letter from his mother.

He knew I didn’t want it to end this way…he knew I wanted another child..he played my emotions and we had sex twice all along leading me to believe we were trying for another child.

Then the third time we had sex he pulled out…I was devastated! I asked him after what was that was all about…here’s what he said.

“I only did it the other two times because I knew you couldn’t get pregnant, I don’t want anymore kids, ever.”

Good bye rose colored glasses and hello resentment.

You don’t move past resentment, at least I couldn’t being with him and knowing he alone controlled and was taking away any chance of me having a future I dreamed of.