Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2012 16:27:58 -0700 (PDT)
From: Bono Torros
Subject: Sleepy Days, Come No More_Chapter 26
Sleepy Days, Come No More
Chapter 26
The next two days were full, to say the least. I woke up, showered,
dressed, had breakfast, and then headed over to the University for hours of
lecturing and workshops. It was just so much information constantly being
projected. It was not bad, just a bit overwhelming at times.
On Friday afternoon I gave my presentation. I was a slightly nervous right
before I took the stage, but after I got started all the butterflies and
tension subsided. In fact speaking in front of all those people was
exhilarating.
First I presented the statistics of children suffering from psychological
conditions and traumas. Then I compared the success rate of children who
were admitted to private hospitals as opposed to state run
facilities. There were graphs and charts, which were shown on a
projector. Next there was a question and answer session, and then I was
finished. Weeks of work was conveyed in less than an hour.
Early that evening we were taken back to the hotel to freshen up and
change. Then we were transported back to the University for the banquet. It
was nice. There was a lot of socializing and congratulatory remarks
regarding the success of the conference.
The banquet was to continue until after midnight, but I left early. When I
returned to my room I noticed someone's jacket thrown across the sofa and a
pair of leather boots on the floor.
"Hey man." Chuck exclaimed with excitement.
"Chuck!" I said with a smile.
We hugged and sat on the sofa to talk.
"So, when did you get in?" I asked.
"I've been here for a couple of hours. I got the key at the desk, like you
told me." He said.
"You look so good." I said.
"Thanks. You look good too, nice duds." He said.
"I was at a banquet." I informed.
"So what's up?" He asked enthusiastically.
"Nothing, just happy that the conference is over and happier to see you." I
exclaimed.
"I mean what are we doing tonight?" He asked.
"Catching up." I paused. "We can order room service and watch movies or
play cards." I suggested.
"That would be nice for my grandma, but we are young and hot. We should go
out and have some fun." He countered.
"You want to go out?" I asked.
"Hell yeah." He exclaimed.
"I don't know." I said.
"Come on. We will go out dancing, flirt with a few guys, and then come
back. It will be fun." He assured.
"Okay, but we are still going to Tonto tomorrow." I insisted.
"Fine. I can operate on very little sleep." He said with a laugh.
"Okay, but we are getting up early." I proclaimed.
"Cool. I know of a couple of clubs in Phoenix." He said.
"Just for a couple of hours." I insisted.
"Alright, but you are going to change right?" He encouraged.
"Yes." I said.
We both went about our dressing and grooming. Then we got into his car and
were on our way to Phoenix. It was a smooth and relatively short ride to
the club.
We were there for a few minutes before Chuck managed to get me on the dance
floor. It was the typical scene, at least in keeping with my limited club
experience. There was loud music, drinking, and some rather intimate
dancing.
Chuck was quite something on the floor. He attracted a lot of
attention. Eventually I found myself standing aside as he was encircled by
three other guys. He seemed to love the attention. There was a large smile
plastered on his face, which seeped into me. It was so good to see him so
happy.
I stood there and watched him for a while, before I found a suitor of my
own. He was about my height, with a slightly husky build. He had short
black hair and a neat beard. He appeared to be Latino, with bronze skin. He
walked over to me with a broad smile on his face, and I smiled back. He had
big, dark brown eyes and full lips.
"Hey, I'm Luis." He said in a loud voice trying to be heard over the
music.
"I'm Steven." I said matching his volume.
"You wanna dance?" He asked.
"Sure." I replied.
We danced; somewhat awkwardly as we each tried to gauge the other's
style. Soon we settled into a nice groove. We danced until both of our
faces were glazed with sweat and our breath had become strained. Then we
went over to the bar and he offered to buy me a drink, but I insisted that
I buy.
Once we had our drinks we found a little table on the outskirts of the club
to sit.
"That was nice. I like your moves." I said with a smile.
"Thanks man, you have moves yourself." Luis said.
"So, you come here often?" I asked casually.
"I've been here a few times." Luis informed.
"Well, it's pretty nice." I observed.
"You been here before?" Luis inquired.
"No. Actually I am here on business." I said.
"At the club?" Luis asked.
"Oh, no. I am in Arizona for a conference." I explained.
"What ya do?" Luis asked.
"I am in nursing." I said.
"Do wear a uniform?" Luis asked flirtatiously.
"No. Do you think I should?" I asked with a smile.
"I think you would look good in those, uh, tight cotton pants." Luis said.
"Is that right?" I asked seductively.
"Yeah papi." Luis said.
"Papi, that is sexy." I confessed.
"What?" Luis inquired.
"You calling me papi, your accent. It is all very sexy." I said with a
laugh.
"I think you're pretty sexy. Are you with somebody?" Luis asked.
"I'm here with my friend, the rock star." I said.
"Is he just your friend?" Luis probed.
"Yes, we are only friends." I said.
"So you're solo?" Luis asked.
"Recently divorced." I said with a laugh.
"Divorced?" Luis asked with a bit of surprise.
"Yeah the wife just could not accept me as a homosexual, let alone my many
male lovers. She is such a bitch." I said with a chuckle.
"Seriously?" Luis asked.
"No. I was just playing around. Actually, my boyfriend and I broke up a few
weeks ago." I explained.
"So are you, what is the word," Luis thought for a moment, "on the
rebound?" Luis asked.
"Should I be?" I countered.
"Do you want to be?" Luis asked.
"Well, maybe with the right guy." I said with a meek smile.
"And what kinda guy would that be?" Luis inquired.
"I have always wanted to learn Spanish." I said with a smirk.
"I think I can help you with that papi." Luis affirmed.
I giggled, "I think you could help me with more than that." I said
flirtatiously.
"I would like to." Luis said with a grin.
We continued to flirt with one another for a while longer and then rejoined
the dance floor. This time around Luis was a little more forward. He was
dancing really closely to me, even grinding his crotch against me from time
to time. At one point he had his face so close to mine that I could
literally taste his breath.
The dancing was interrupted when Luis had to go the restroom. His absence
gave me time to search out Chuck. He was at the bar with one of the guys he
had been dancing with earlier. I joined them.
"Hey Chuck." I said.
"Steven, you having fun?" Chuck asked.
"I am." I said.
"Steven this is Mitch, Mitch my friend Steven." Chuck introduced.
"Hello Mitch." I said extending my hand.
"How's it going?" Mitch said.
"Everything is fine. I saw that you two were having fun on the dance
floor." I said with a smile.
"Yeah. Chuck has some serious moves." Mitch said mischievously.
"You're no slouch." Chuck replied.
"Are you about ready to leave?" I inquired.
"Leave?" Mitch said.
"Excuse me?" I replied.
"It is still early. Me and my friend have plenty of beers and condoms,
maybe we could use both." Mitch said with a smirk and nodded at me.
"Wow." I said with an uneasy chuckle.
"What?" Mitch asked.
"I don't think my friend is use to your brand of charm." Chuck said.
"You aren't you use to a man being direct?" Mitch said looking at me.
"No, I think it is more so the lack tact that is so, um, refreshing." I
said with a smile.
"Mitch why don't you give me and Steven a minute." Chuck suggested.
"Alright." Mitch said and turned and walked away.
"What was that?" I asked.
"You've never met Prince Charming?" Chuck asked sarcastically.
"Apparently not." I said.
"So who was that cute guy all over you?" He inquired with a smile.
"He is cute isn't he. His name is Luis." I informed.
"I wonder what Blake would say about his boyfriend out dancing with another
man." Chuck said.
"I don't think he would have much to say." I announced.
"What, you are in an open relationship?" Chuck asked playfully.
"Yes, apparently I was, for a number of months, unbeknownst to me." I said
with a laugh.
"What?" He inquired.
"Blake had been seeing someone else." I said.
"No." Chuck exclaimed.
"Yes." I affirmed.
"Why didn't you say something?" Chuck asked.
"I have only told you and my therapist." I confessed.
"Well, are you working it out." Chuck asked.
"It is settled. We broke up." I informed.
"Steve." Chuck said in with surprise.
"Look let me say bye to Luis and I guess you can say bye to the prince, and
we can head back to the hotel." I suggested.
"Alright." Chuck agreed.
I went and found Luis. He looked to be searching for me.
"Hello sir." I said with a smile.
"Hey papi." Luis said.
"Did you relieve yourself?" I asked with a grin.
"In a way, but not the way I really want." Luis said flirtatiously.
"Oh." I said.
"So you want to go back out." Luis asked as he looked over to the dance
floor.
"No. I am leaving." I announced.
"So soon?" Luis asked.
"It is late for me." I contended.
"How long are you in town?" Luis inquired.
"For a couple of days." I replied.
"Let me have your number, maybe we can do something tomorrow." He
suggested.
"Okay, maybe." I said and proceeded to give him my number.
We shared a brief hug and I gave him a kiss on the cheek. Then I walked
over to Chuck and we left. I fell asleep during the ride, but Chuck woke me
once we arrived at the hotel. We went to the room and started to prepare
for bed.
I went to the bathroom and washed up and changed into a pair of
pajamas. Chuck went in after me. I went to my bed and turned down the
sheets and set the alarm. Then I sat up in bed under the covers and waited
for Chuck.
He emerged from the bathroom wearing a pair of bikini cut underwear and
nothing move. He strutted over to his bed and climbed upon it.
"So, are you ready to talk?" He asked eagerly.
"About Blake?" I asked.
"Yes." He said.
"I told you we broke up, he was seeing someone else." I said.
"Details!" He exclaimed.
"Well, I had told you that we were having some problems a few weeks ago." I
said.
"You said `a rough patch'." He reminded.
"Yes." I agreed.
"A rough patch means something that won't last long, something small." He
said.
"I guess I underestimated the depth of our problems or maybe I was just
being delusional." I admitted.
"Delusional?" He inquired.
"I mean, I left without notice, and it wasn't on a whim. I planned my
departure." I paused. "I had to fill documentation at work, I had to
receive medical clearance, and I had to make arrangements at the clinic. I
should have told him before I left and to his face. It was foolish of me to
think that I could make love with him, then disappear for three months, and
return to a blissful reunion." I explained.
"When did he start seeing this other guy?" He asked.
"He said they started about two months after I left." I said.
"What is that, like five months?" He asked.
"Almost. I found out nearly a month ago though." I explained.
"So, who ended it?" He inquired.
"I broke up with him." I said.
"So was it the cheating or the lies that did it for you?" He probed.
"Actually, I am not even sure I would have broken up with him, had he not
insisted on continuing with this other guy. I mean maybe I would have but I
can't say for certain." I admitted.
"He wanted to continue to see this guy?" He asked in shock.
"Yes. He said that he didn't want to hurt him." I said.
"That blows." He exclaimed.
"You know my father has cheated on my mother for as long as I can
remember. My mother could be a real bitch, but I always wondered why she
stayed. It clearly bothered her and it just had this terrible effect on the
whole family. I mean we all knew that he was cheating, he would even brag
about it to me, like it was some sign of masculinity." I paused. "I used to
pity her so much, I would think I would never accept that from anyone, and
when I was faced with it, I accepted it." I confessed.
"You accepted it?" He inquired.
"For a week I let him maintain his affair and be with me, for a week I was
my mother, and it was not as hard as I thought it would be. It wasn't such
a chore to just accept it. If I am really honest, I should have suspected
it. All the late nights, the drinking, the distance; I just did not look
into it. You know it would have been easier to accept if it had been a
fling." I paused. "Hell, it would have been better if it were several one
night stands. At least then I could say they were meaningless, but four
months with one guy, that is a completely different animal." I said.
"Did he say why?" He asked.
"He felt betrayed and abandoned." I said.
"So having his dick in someone else helped him overcome those feelings?" He
asked sarcastically.
"I guess." I said.
"What a schmuck." He proclaimed.
"He's not a schmuck." I said defensively.
"Oh, you still love him." He said with a smile.
I blushed, "I do love him." I confessed.
"Did you get tested?" He asked.
"Yes. I am negative." I informed.
"Well, maybe you guys will get back together." He said.
"I don't know, I guess the timing was just wrong. Maybe if we had met later
in life, or under different circumstances." I said.
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"I mean if I didn't have so much baggage you know. I just wish things could
have been simpler." I said.
"You mean if you weren't depressed or hadn't been molested?" He inquired.
"Yes. I wish that I could have been perkier or something." I said with a
laugh.
"Perky." He said with a broad smile.
"You know, like the people on TV, just happy and smiling, maybe then things
could have worked out." I said.
He laughed heavily.
"What?" I asked.
"I just can't imagine you as perky." He said.
"I know. I tried too, but I could never really pull it off." I said joining
his laughter.
"That shit just doesn't go away." He said.
"I don't know if it ever goes away but I know I tried to make it go away."
I said.
"How? By pretending it didn't happen or trying to forget? Please, the more
I tried to forget the more I remembered." He said.
"For a while it worked, I stopped having nightmares, I felt happy, not
lonely." I exclaimed.
"But it didn't last." He said.
"No, it didn't." I paused for thought. "It caught up with me; it's a part
of me that I cannot escape. It showed up in bed with me, in the bathroom,
on the bus, just every and anywhere. That is why I went to the clinic, that
is why I told Blake." I sighed. "He feels that I should have told him
sooner, that I didn't because I don't trust him or love him enough, but I
was just trying to protect our life from it. Do you understand?" I asked.
"Yeah." He said.
"My whole life has been defined by this event; it has cast a shadow over
every area." I paused. "I wanted Blake to be mine; I didn't want to lose
him to it. I wanted to be who I could have been, who I want to be. I
thought I could just get rid of those memories, that I could vanquish the
past." I confessed.
"I know." He said.
"But honestly, I feel like I may never be fixed. I think deep down, that I
will always be that little boy pent against the sofa, it's like I'm stuck
there. Sometimes it is so real that it is as if no time has passed at all."
I paused. "My stomach tightens and I can't breathe, I literally have to
remind myself that I am a grown man, that it happened long ago, that I am
safe." I confessed with a half smile. "I know it sounds insane." I said
with a laugh.
"No. It doesn't sound crazy at all." He paused. "I used to go days without
sleeping, because of the nightmares. I can't even take a dump or piss
without being reminded of some father and son time." He exclaimed. "And now
that I am sober, I have to actually feel it. So, I know how you feel. I
know the fear that memories may never go away. Before I would just get
stoned or turn a trick." He took a breath. "But the more drugs I did and
the more tricks I turned the more ashamed I became, which made me do more
drugs and turn more tricks to pay for the drugs. It was never ending." He
explained.
There was a short period of reflective silence, and then he continued.
"You tonight, at the club, that guy just wanted to go back to his place and
fuck. I was tempted; if you weren't with me we may have hooked up." He
confessed. "I know he was a douche." He said.
"Yeah, he was." I said.
"What about that cutie you were with?" He asked.
"Luis, he was cute." I paused. "It was nice to flirt with someone. He wants
to go out again before I leave." I informed.
"Do you think he wants some action?" He asked.
I chuckled, "The question of desire and the answer of reality are often
very different." I said with a smirk.
"So if he made a move you would shut him down?" He inquired.
"Yes. I only just met him. Hell it took Blake almost six months and I
thought that may have been too soon." I explained.
"Are you saying that you don't have any urges?" He asked intently.
"Look I went through my entire adolescent and early adulthood without sex,
I think I can go a few weeks. Besides, masturbation is delightful, and it
comes with far less complications." I said with a meek smile.
"Well, the way you described your experiences with Blake, I just thought
there was no going back." He said.
"No going back?" I inquired.
"You made it sound so amazing." He said.
"You thought it was amazing?" I asked surprised.
"Yeah." He said.
"I guess, since you are so experienced I thought that it would seem routine
to you." I confessed.
"Steven, there is a difference between fucking and making love. I have
fucked and been fucked by so many guys, but there is no love. No hugs. No
kisses. Just fucking." He explained.
"You've never been with anybody who wanted to kiss or cuddle?" I asked.
"No." He admitted.
"The cuddling and kissing is the best part. Sometimes that is all Blake and
I did, was cuddle. It made me feel safe and loved." I informed.
"That is nice." He paused. "I think we should call it a night." He said.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"Yeah, we are going to Tonto." He said.
"Alright. Good night." I said.
"Good night Steve." He replied.
We turned off our lamps and I settled into bed. I lay there looking up at
the ceiling. I had become a little conflicted; I guess all the talk of
Blake had made me uneasy. I felt alone. I felt very alone. I turned on my
side and looked over at Chuck.
"Chuck." I said.
"Yeah?" He replied.
"Would you sleep with me tonight?" I asked meekly.
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