Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Oh god. I was in Paris the last few days and honestly, the City of Love? Wrong...it was more like the city of filth. It's pretty darn god awful with its litter-strewn streets, slum-like housing everywhere, incredibly dirty and putrid subways, and a general sense of underwhelm washing over me whenever I revisited several monuments (Arc de Triomphe, Tour Eiffel, Château de Versailles etc.), so naturally I am so happy to be back in London. Londontown is honestly really great. I had dinner today at the Ritz and walking around Green Park and stuff, man, feels so good. I still remember in Paris how I got really quite sick of all the third-world-esque filth that I went to the Champs-Élysées to pop into a few stores: Chanel, Hermès, Louis Vuitton, and the store layouts were outdated, the display pieces uninspiring, and generally just a drab - then I went over to the Italian brands: Armani Collezioni, Gucci, and it was a lot more modern and refreshing.

It's all subjective of course, but to me, Paris has decided to snobbishly cling on to its grime and dirt and ancient malfunctioning infrastructure, along with a vehement resistance towards modernity and change with the silly excuse of preserving "charm" but really - it's because French people go on strike all the time, and nothing ever gets done there! London has preserved quite a lot of its old-school charm but has cleaned up everything pretty well, and is continuing to do so at least. Sure, the rest of England is butt-hurt because all resources pour into London but...let's face it, the same case with Paris, the rest of the country is just considered "province" (this was honestly told to me by a Parisian classmate lol).

It's really funny how this has made me appreciate London so much more now :o)

Monday, March 23, 2015

This is insane. I was just playing Sufjan Stevens yesterday to N, showing him a live performance of Casimir Pulaski Day, and today I learn that Sufjan is releasing a new album. And immediately I streamed the entire thing (link above). His music isn't for everyone - it's extremely stripped down indie folk, and carries a heaviness (especially in this album) that makes you furrow your eyebrows and just kind of empty all thoughts, in a non-pretentious way. I don't listen to such music to pretend that I'm a cool kid, I genuinely think it's great music, with great lyrics that I can connect with.

This is his description though of the album, which may seem a bit more pretentious:

"Carrie & Lowell sounds like memory: it spans decades yet does not trade on pastiche or nostalgia. Stevens’s gauzy double-tracked vocals wash across the dashboard of long-finned, drop-top Americana, yet as we race towards the coast we are reminded that sunshine leads to shadow, for this is a landscape of terminal roads, unsteady bridges, traumatic video stores, and unhappy beds that provide the scenery for tales of jackknifed cars, funerals, and forgiveness for the dead. Each track in this collection of eleven songs begins with a fragile melody that gathers steam until it becomes nothing less than a modern hymn. Sufjan recounts the indignities of our world, of technological distraction and sad sex, of an age without either myths or miracle—and this time around, his voice carries the burden of wisdom. Carrie & Lowell accomplishes the rare thing that any art should achieve, particularly in these noisy and fragmented days: By seeking to understand, Sufjan makes us feel less alone."

I still remember my first time at Panda Express with my family - I immediately shot it down, just like the younger kids in the video above, but my parents liked it (they said it was a bit too greasy but very flavorful). And I think it's really because they've just become a lot more chill about life in general lol, since they were older and wiser and stuff.

So that's one thing I'm learning now too: to be less judgmental about everything. N is essentially my first real boyfriend, given that my previous relationships were tormented and very short-lived. And although N has dated guys before me, this relationship has been the longest one he's been in as well (1.5 years of living together). We've both grown up a lot and it's quite incredible watching the transformation. Similarly, we've also both had to eat our words when we were more "naive."

Obviously one thing was the cheating. Both of us never expected we would ever cheat, and definitely didn't expect us to forgive a cheating partner. But we realized that we both cheated not because fundamentally we weren't satisfied or compatible with the other - but because we were both communicating with each other really unhealthily and chose the easy way out. Plus, it was easier to forgive in some sense because no actual penetration happened, we both take that to be a lot more intimate than dick-sucking. Now we both learned our lesson - and that lying is just awfully horrible for a relationship, because mistrust grows far quicker and deeper than the slow and painstaking process of creating trust. Any problems between a couple should be solved in a less defensive and more constructive manner, which is only possible if both sides give and take to reach a compromise for every issue, and not letting anything fester beyond repair.

The other thing was sleeping around. We both never thought that we would have a ménage à trois - but bam, it happened. Not that we really did plan it...it did kind of just happen. But we still spoke very honestly with each other after it - are we going to be doing this often? Does this mean we are in an open relationship? Our answers to both are no, because we still are incredibly in love and happy with each other. We both agree though that if we somehow do have threesomes often, or start sleeping around with others, the fundamental basis of our relationship will have changed a lot, and we will have to assess then if 'we' are still viable.

Nevertheless, we have become a lot more sympathetic to others that we have judged more harshly before. N says he can kind of understand why his French friend (the one who got engaged in Koh Samui but still sleeps around) and his fiancé are in an open relationship, because for some people it really does work to separate love and sex altogether. I also have grown a bit more sympathetic to young Asian guys who date old white guys - maybe it's just really their thing, they feel more secure this way.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

And it was kinda strange really. Parts of it felt super hot, parts felt...kinda off.

We first had dinner together near G's place, lovely Italian place, and a bottle of rosé. At first I was so nervous - what is my boyfriend going to talk about with the guy who I cheated with? But it surprisingly went super well. The really cool thing is, N actually doesn't blame G at all for what happened in the past - we were really rocky, and so he said he understood why it happened. Dinner was very civil, and very nice, and I could totally see G eye-fucking N the entire time.

Then we went back to G's place. G's bf is currently away for two weeks in Germany, so we opened a couple more bottles of prosecco and rosé again, and soon we were in his hot tub slightly tipsy. His place is really cool to be honest - huge hot tub with funky lights and built-in speakers and a gorgeous view of The Shard and the rest of the dreadfully dwarfish London city skyline. Suddenly G's swim shorts go off, and I mischievously pulled N's ones off too. He was kinda unhappy about it at first. G starts getting off the tub and getting more bottles and walking back completely naked, with his massive pecs and perky muscular butt - it was turning both N and I on. Then as we started drinking more, N suddenly told me "suck it" pointing to his dick, and I said that no I'm too lazy, but I give permission for G to suck N off. N was caught off-guard when G actually began dunking his head underwater sucking N off...and he gave me a 'wtf?' face, before realizing that I just opened the floodgates for a threesome to happen. Lol.

We all started just touching each other in the hot tub naked, each of us rock hard, and then after a while we went back into his room. A lot of making out happened. G starts whispering in our ears that he thinks we're both really hot, and then he was also really nice to apologize to N saying he never meant to cause any trouble between N and I back last year, to which N forgave him completely. N put a condom on, but had trouble staying hard due to the alcohol, but he finally was able to fuck G while G's legs were spread wide and he was moaning really sexily, while I wanked G and myself off. N was fucking G pretty roughly, something which he knows he can't and won't do with me. After N jizzed in the condom inside G, I sprayed all over G's torso (went everywhere lol), and G...well, oddly didn't cum.

This was the weird part. After cleaning up and cuddling back in bed, G KEPT making out with N still, and touching him everywhere, even though we were all trying to sleep. I was so annoyed and jealous cos I kept hearing the smooching sounds, and I started becoming a bit protective. I slept in the middle for a while to block them off lol, but then it got too hot under the sheets, so I switched again, and just let them kiss for a while. G did kiss me too, but it was weird because I felt a bit needy in the process.

After we got home, N and I did a bit of post-threeway evaluation hahaha. First, we both agreed that it was some parts hot, some parts bad, because we got jealous when the other was making out with G. N also told me that he thinks G is hot, but he's very different from both of us since he's super blond, blue-eyed, almost colorless, and very bulky. He also said G's pecs and butt are very nice, which I agreed with. It was also weird because we both agreed that if we met G before we met each other, we would have dated him (although G and I would be tricky since he's mostly a bottom too). N also said that G is looser than me, and that it still feels the most natural when we are both having sex together instead. Which is true - even when I was making out with G, it was good because he's a good kisser, but I still prefer kissing N. So it was really nice because after that we both realized how lucky we are to have each other, because things just feel so much more natural and intimate with us both.

N said he's up for a threesome again, but this time with much less alcohol so he can stay hard, and with us doing an Eiffel Tower instead. I agreed too, because it was pretty rushed and hazy last night. I think G would probably be up for it again, although it's not necessary that we'll do it again with G.

This morning we made delicious French toast together, watched The Voice, and then we cuddled in bed and had sex again. I had a really amazing orgasm, because we both dirty-talked about having a threesome with G again lolol. At the end of the day, sex between us still feels the best though. It's probably the thrill of forbidden fruit, and being naughty that's making us intrigued by threesomes. I don't think however this means we will be in an open relationship, or start making this a regular thing at all. I do think the next time we do it though, might be at the steam room at the gym hehe.

Anyway, it was great fun! I'm about to take a nap now though - so, so tired.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Anyway, I am finally done with my last final for the term! Hell yeah bitches! Easter break is onnnn...and I don't exactly have that many plans. Granted I should be way excited since I'm still going to Paris, Munich, Milan, Florence, and Venice, but I kinda wished that I filled it up even more! But this gives me plenty of time to just laze around in London I guess. Need to go back to the gym again since I realize that exam periods always put me into horrible horrible lifestyle habits.

I completely skip gym days. I tell myself it's because it takes way too long (I take almost 2 hours because I also spend about 15 minutes in the sauna, and then 15-30 minutes showering, getting dressed, lingering around and checking out naked hot dudes in the locker room etc.) and I need more time to study, but I don't actually study anyway, so I really should just go to the gym instead next time.

I sleep such shitty hours. I sleep late and then force myself to wake up early thinking I can study, but I never do, until the day of an exam/deadline, then I set the alarm to be like, 5 am lmaooo to do some last-minute cramming. N did it this morning too - he woke up at 4.30am ahahaha.

FUck dude I stress eat so much. I swear if my fridge was edible, I'd have eaten it a long time ago too. I fucking ate three big bags of chips today. DAFFAQ. And I had curly fries...a Nutella sandwich, and peanut butter cup ice cream....but hey I also ate healthy food like salad and baked salmon but what's the shitty point lol. I just need to surround myself with a shit ton of comfort food whenever I'm stressed as hell.

I also wank way way way too much. I think I jerked off like, 5 times yesterday and honestly when I was cuddling N last night my penis fucking hurt when it got hard. But it forms like a mental blockade - I get to the point where I'm like 'okay just wank once more, and then concentrate on your shit'.

I really only work well under severe time constraints, but each time I regret it and tell myself to stop procrastinating so much but I never do. I find myself running after the bus/train/tube every day and I'm like, why can't you just leave two minutes earlier you dickhead. Man...

G, N and I are supposed to have dinner on Saturday but I kinda don't want to. G has been giving me a lot of shit because people have been leaking stuff that I've told them and he's all like 'hey it's not cool you didn't consult me before dragging my name into it all, I feel very hurt' yaddayadda. Man. And I thought some of these bitches were my friends, but I guess never to give people juicy gossip. I've learned my lesson now, but the problem is - I find it very difficult to keep secrets. I've always been that sort of guy really, which is why staying in the closet for so many years ate me up so much. And you know what? I don't want to make him think that I want a threesome or whatever. N and I are great and I love just having 'us' time. And frankly, the way G has been talking to me, although he has every right to be pissed at me, is a huge turn-off. I know G wants post-dinner shenanigans, but I'm going to make sure that N and I only have dinner and that we leave after. Dinner will also be hella awkward - wtf is my boyfriend and the guy who I cheated with gonna talk about?

But anyway, boy, I can't wait to start the summer holidays, and then I'll start working. Definitely do prefer working to studying - I need the semi-autonomy in my life, guided by a more big-picture mindset of accomplishing things. Of course, I'm not talking to the self-actualization nirvana sense, just more along the lines of...I don't have to report at fucking 8.30am for a door bitch to take my attendance every single goddamn day.

Alright peace out. You know, I wonder if there are any good blogs out there to read that touch on gay coming out experiences and the like. I used to have quite the veritable list, but now everyone's pretty much given up on blogging.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

So...G invited N and I over to his place next week for dinner...with G raising the possibility of us all getting naked in the hot tub after. For some very strange reason, N agreed to have dinner (I left out the second half), so it's going to be the first time they'll be meeting, and I'm not really sure what to expect.

I don't really want to rock the boat. N and I are doing fantastic again. We communicate very openly; I even told him about how some of my classmates have been spreading to others that I've done a threesome with G and the other older dude (but most of them took it with a pinch of salt because, thankfully, they don't think I'm the kind of guy who does stuff like that when my relationship with N is clearly known to many as a very committed one). We have spoken about threesomes before, more as a "let's try it once" kind of thing anyhow. So I'm not sure if this will add layers of complexity into what we have now, and possibly corrupt the innocence that we have once again built between us.

On the other hand, I am really extremely curious as to how it will work out. It sounds extremely hot. G is one fit motherfucker, and he's such a slutty bottom, he would really be able to take all the pounding that N has wanted to dish out on me. And I love voyeurism, and so I think watching N, who is obviously incredibly attractive to me, fucking G, who is the epitome of "twunkness" (twink face, hunk bod), would turn me on a lot. After all, I kinda prefer just whacking my dick off by myself some times.

But what if G wants to make out with me, and N gets pissed off? Does this also mean that only G can suck me off but not vice-versa? It seems awfully complicated when a threesome involves a couple. And also, I wonder how N and I will feel after - will we feel slutty, or will we be more like 'hey that was kinda fun', or what? Feels also like a Pandora's box will be opened.

Maybe I'm just overthinking this as I do with all things. This doesn't mean that we will keep having threesomes in the future to "spice" things up, and it certainly doesn't mean that we're in an open relationship. Regardless, all I know is that some times now when I fantasize about N fucking G, I get really rock hard. Hmm...

Sunday, March 8, 2015

What's up everyone! Life is good. Man. Life is pretty good. Other than the fact that I have a gigantic cystic acne on my face AGAIN, I've been cruisin'. Having a job waiting for me after I graduate is AWE-SOME. And I'm super excited about it. It's part of the tech industry, and it's something I've never done before, but I figured since tech is basically the newest big thing, I'm staying ahead of the curve with this. However, the pay is pretty shite (one of my other friends in another firm is being paid 50k pounds a year!!), but...I guess if I'm living rent-free in London things should be a lot better.

I've been going to fantastic restaurants with N a lot. We are super super in love again it's so mushy it's funny. I've been hanging out with friends from grad school quite a bit, it's been good. Also, I've been going to the gym and running quite a bit, and I think I have become slightly leaner. I'm happy with that.

Not tooo shabby I guess, although still a long way to go.

Man I love all these random cameos by these great actors!

So a couple of days ago I had one of my 'firsts'. N and I were having sex cowboy style at first, and then I was looking at myself in the mirror and it turned me on that I could see myself, and so we flipped over to doggy style, and he started getting really into it, as we both looked into the mirror too. As I eased up, he started thrusting harder and harder, until he actually fucked the cum out of me. I didn't even use my hands! It didn't shoot of course, it just kinda dribbled out, but it really did feel like he was pressing against my prostate so hard that it just pushed the cum out. We collapsed after completely exhausted.