DESCRIPTIONA young girl who recently left for college finds herself in an intimate relationship with another woman. She discovers that the relationship is acceptable at college, but not in the conservative small town she grew up in. Her emotional immaturity leads her to deny both this specific relationship and her general attraction to women. [852 words]

ABOUT
THE AUTHORThe author is originally from California. She currently resides in New York, where she trains guide dogs, hates the winter, and tries desperately to get something published.[January 2001]

When I got back to Santa Cruz after going home for Christmas, I let Claire hug me first. I savored it, trying to memorize the feeling of her arms around my neck and her face against mine so I could recall it later, when I didn't have her anymore. Then I told her that if we really weren't gay or bisexual, as we both knew we weren't, we should start dating guys. She let go of me and said okay, not looking emotional or anything, but then she went into her room and shut the door and turned on the Cranberries really loud, like she always does when she's depressed. And later, when we went to dinner in the dining hall with our other suitemates, I saw that her eyes behind her glasses were red and swollen. She said her contacts had been bugging her, but of course I knew the truth.

**********

I never meant to have a girlfriend. I always liked guys, and I wasn't tomboyish to an extent as a child, or anything. I never had anything against people living an "alternative lifestyle" (one of the many ways people in my home town avoided having to say "gay"), but I always felt that I was pretty straight. So, when I met Claire, I had trouble identifying the way I felt about her. At first I just thought she was the best friend I'd ever had. But I found out differently. She _was_ my best friend, but I'd had best friends before. I'd never had a girlfriend.

It was nice. Worlds different from being with a guy.

But we weren't lesbians. We told each other that. Promised.

That's what I kept in mind when I went home for Christmas, that's the only way I could go home, because individuals leading the "alternative lifestyle" just aren't cool in small towns.

**********

I didn't know Claire would be that angry when I agreed to go out with that guy Aaron from my biology lab. I mean, from the beginning we told each other that we weren't lesbians, not even bisexuals, just in love with each other.

I _was_ in love with her, too, don't think I wasn't.

It's just that, when I went home, for the first time out of the protective, tolerant bubble we lived in at the University, I got some idea of what it would mean to have a girlfriend when you were a girl in the real world. And I didn't like it, not at all.

It sounds stupid, but I made my decision because of a spot on the six o'clock news that showed a gay rights group doing some kind of a toy collection project for disadvantaged children. My mother and sister and I were in the living room, relaxing after a huge dinner. "Hey, Mom," I said, like I was making a joke. "I belong to that group! I'm a lesbian!" The words sounded strange on my tongue. I'd never said them before, not even in jest.

"You'd better not be, Danielle." She looked at me sternly, like I'd said I was a devil-worshipper. "Those people are sick! God didn't make us like that. They're abnormal."

"Ewwww," added my younger sister.

After that, I just shut up. Why bother?

So that's what I come from. A bunch of small town homophobes. And I sold out to them. I really did. I imagined my mother looking at Claire in disgust if I introduced her as my lover, and I thought that would be the most painful thing that ever happened to me, to have someone look at Claire like that. So I decided to end it.

**************

The next week I went out with Aaron, who was tall and gangly and had a noticeable lack of social skills. But that didn't matter; he had a dick and I went to dinner with him and therefore I was straight, no funny stuff going on here. I even let him kiss me. A girl living an alternative lifestyle certainly wouldn't let a guy kiss her.

"I'll miss you, Dani," Claire said to me, the day she moved off-campus.

"It's not bad to go out with a guy," I said, feeling defensive even though she wasn't accusing me of anything. Not out loud, anyway. "I like guys. So do you, Claire, we both do, remember?"

"Yeah, right." She wasn't supposed to say that; neither of us were. For just a second, looking into her eyes, I wanted to break the rules too, and to hell with my family and my hometown and anyone else who disapproved. But of course I didn't -- I'm a sell-out, after all. Sell-outs don't break rules.

So Claire is gone, leaving me with some stupid guy who won't stop calling and a pillow that's wet with tears every morning and night. My mother's happy that I went out with a guy. People here are surprised; they used to call me and Claire Girlies, which is sort of an affectionate term for girls with girlfriends in my dorm. They don't call me Girlie anymore, just Dani.

I hope my mother is proud of me. I hope someone is.

READER'S REVIEWS (5)DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.

"Cool! You go girl! :-)" -- The Cheerleader, Tyna Aberdeen."Well... that would explain why it's so difficult for me to get a date." -- EC Allen."you being a knobend would explain why you can't get a date." -- Robert o'boyle, Dublin."Hey... maybe he's right!" -- EC Allen."not as good as your other story. the dilemma and the tears are well presented, but you needed to further flesh out the nature/emotions of their relationship. at what point was it physically and emotionally? that would make the heartbreak of the whole small town thing more moving." -- sunny, DC, usa.