The Dame’s Football Tour o’ Sex: Winners

Inter wins Serie A – Didn’t watch. I’m sure Ibra sexed it up in that douchy way he always does.

Real Madrid wins La Liga – Played Levante on Sunday as a mere formality. Every time I see someone lift that cup I’m always appalled by how massive the thing is. Robinho’s pretty arms looked like they were having a bit of trouble lifting the damn thing. I also spotted some budding pretty-ness in Levante’s other keeper, Jordi Codina. Casillas is still hotter, of course.

It’s SOOO big!

More things Arsenal didn’t win along with your Victorious Victoria Day hotties…

Portsmouth wins the FA Cup – Save for the first half hour this thing was a bit of a snore. Kanu’s miss of the century coupled with his eventual winning goal were about all you needed to see. Distin’s run in the second half would’ve been worth talking about had it actually produced something. Instead we’ll just have to leer at his rockin’ bod. Alas.

He wants you to touch him.

On my side of the pond, Columbus’s Schelotto caught a case of dive-like-Drogba circa ’07 at the BMO. None of his antics worked though because my boys leveled with Columbus extending Toronto’s glorious unbeaten streak to five matches.

Today’s also Victoria Day for your girl up north. Also known as May Two-Four: a reference to the copious amounts of beer Canadians will collectively consume on this long weekend. It also means we’ve got an extra good excuse to sit around and drink away the pain of our boys losing out on the (rightfully ours) World Ice Hockey Championship yesterday.

In fact, this post is only getting in the way of my own reckless alcohol consumption.

Baby-Daddy to a woman who appears to be his granny, Zlatan is a case study in arrogance made sexy. As Nigella Lawson (an underground Chelsea fanatic, apparently – who knew?) once said: ‘it’s very unattractive when men fancy themselves, but I don’t think it counts when they’re foreign.’ So true, girl. Zlatan winds reporters up and that only makes him hotter. Zlatan gloats and it only makes him hotter. Zlatan speaks of himself in third person and it only makes him hotter. Everything that would make a regular dude seem like a douchie only makes Zlatan hotter. He’s superhuman.

[Dame’s note: I suppose I should’ve stuck a photo of Ibra all smiley and high off winning the title here to coincide with the ‘winning’ theme. Meh. Nekkie ballers are better than clothed ballers, I say.]

The I-Don’t-See-It

Sergio Ramos a.k.a. Time to get a haircut
Team: Real Madrid/Spain
Position: Defender

I think I’ve got an issue with long hair in general. Its clouded my judgment so much that I can no longer appreciate any baller with longish hair. This one has a bit of a horseface actually but loads of girls seem to dig him. Where’s the attraction, people? I mean, I can appreciate the bod – verymuch – but that’s where it stops.

[Dame’s note: Torsten Frings may be the only footballer with hair past his ears that I can hack. Yeah, he’s a bit weird and has sideburns but I don’t care. And Timo Hildebrand. In fact, I think I better officially call dibs on all Germans and Frenchies right now. And Spanish boy-toys. Including Torres. You know, just in case he opts for a haircut between now and Euro. And yes, I do realize this note is longer than the actual entry. I don’t care. It’s May 2-4 and I may or may not be a teensy bit drunk.]

Every match Luca plays at least ten photos of him doing the ‘OMGZ!! ME?! But I didn’t even touch HIM! Look what HE did!’ gestures hit the interwebz not even an hour later. Like clockwork. He’s Italian though so I suppose diving and complaining (and winning according to the marketing geniuses over at ESPN) are in his blood. All is excused, however. Because he’s hot.

Ibra’s hotness is exactly like his playing: some times he’s superhot, other times he’s totally atrocious and no-one can understand why he’s even on the pitch. obviously I am contractually obliged to loathe him, as a roma fan. but he kind of earns his arrogance.