Grand Theft Prophylactic: RI Man Steals $338 Worth Of Condoms

Pawtucket police are on the lookout for a man who stole $338 worth of rubbers. We have questions for the condom thief.

Shoplifting condoms is one of those crimes that there’s really no good defense for. There’s no “Don’t Judge Me” defense when it comes to stealing prophylactics. At best, an offender may explain that the girl was really hot and he was really high…and really broke, so he snagged a condom 3-pack in the hope of preventing himself from reproducing. What happened in Pawtucket on April 17th is something completely undefendable. This man went into a CVS and stole $338 worth of Jimmy hats.

How is he going to have the endurance to evade the police?

Sorry, but we can’t resist this Band of Brothers reference, especially when our Rhode Island raincoat thief has taken an even larger arsenal than the private subject to David Schwimmer’s wrath.

Is this a political message to RI Senate President Dominick Ruggerio?

Up until this point, Rhode Island’s most famous sheath thief has been RI Senator Dominick Ruggerio, who was arrested for taking Trojans from another CVS back in 1990. Is someone sending the now-Senate President the message “Anything you can do, we can do better?”

Are Catholic fundamentalists coming after our pecker ponchos?

It’s no secret that Rhode Island is the most Catholic state in the country. Is it possible that someone actually took a look at church teachings and took it upon themselves to reduce the supply of French letters available to the general public?

What are the chances that the thief uses all those close combat socks before they expire?

Assuming that these pipe pull-overs are for personal consumption, he’s likely walked out with 4-500 joy bags. One look at the man’s photo says this guy isn’t pulling that much strange. Are most of these condoms going to suffer the same fate as that which befalls most condoms which find themselves in the wallets of 14-year-old boys…death by expiration?