Friendzoned the gf/rant

I've been with my gf for about 16 months at this point. Things started out alright, and have largely been 'ok'. I feel that I have effectively friendzoned her, and while I do still care for her and about her, it isn't in the same romantic sense as before. A lot of this is onset by that we have started to fight more and more, especially about really dumb things. Some of the things I had previously overlooked as being unattractive are becoming more and more obvious. For instance, she is excessively low maintenance, no jewelry (not even stud earrings), makeup, skirts etc) Her excuse(s) are that she has gained weight and that she doesn't have the money. On the first point I have constantly tried to reassure her and compliment her, give her some guidance for working out, eating better etc. Unfortunately, I tend to eat out a bit which makes things difficult, and she has had 'eating issues' in the past, and so whenever I even politely question if she should be adding the extra ranch and cheese to her burger, she gets upset.

As far as money goes, this is another issue for me as well. She got herself into some financial difficulties before I met her, got stuck making $350/mo payments on a Chevy Cavalier (whole other story, and suffice it to say that she also had to settle with her creditor so she has minimal chance of refinancing). Therefore, I end up paying for just about everything, maybe every 10th time or more that we go out she pays for it. So, I have bought her jewelry for anniversary/birthday/christmas, but she never wears it (it is mostly very basic stuff etc)

It appears to be a cycle that she is in, she 'claims' that if her clothes fit she would dress nicer, and similarly buy nicer clothes, and she refuses to buy newer clothes (or let me) that fit, because she wants to lose the weight. I mean she is incredibely stubborn in that regard, it is a good intention, but still problematic.

On the money issue she doesn't appear to have much drive to make more, she still hasn't talked to her boss about a raise even though she deserves one (she works as a construction company office manager), eventually he brought it up and acknoweledged that she deserved more, but still no money. She wants to go to grad school to get an Educational Specialist degree (School Psychologist degree etc). However, she still hasn't started applying to schools yet, or even taken the GRE (I bought her a Kaplan study CD set, and she is used it a few times, but still not signed up to take the test).

On the school issue, I love Denver and Colorado, she is from Michigan, and has made it fairly clear that she does not like Denver nearly as much (too dry, too sunny, etc etc etc) Anyway, in Colorado there are only really 2 viable schools with the degree, one is mine which is an expensive private school, and the other is literally in a cow town. Therefore, she should probably look out of state, and while she loves me (and I know she does a lot), and would want to try and work it out over a long distance, I am afraid she might not go because of me. This has been an issue as I just graduated and I'm hunting for a job, but she won't be going to school until a year from now, and not knowing where she would get in makes it very difficult to determine where to apply for jobs etc. So I have resolved myself to just hunting in Denver/Colorado since that is where I am, my parents are, and where I love.

I tend to feel like I end up doing a lot for her, going and doing what she wants to do most of the time, and receiving a fair amount of grief when I want to do something. For instance, she wanted to go see a movie the other night, there were a couple that I wanted to see, but she didn't want to see them so she decided she would do something else instead. She is afraid of heights which makes rollercoasters/skiing/snowboarding very difficult. I play the piano, but she has little interest in hearing me play for her. I have been trying to get her to go swing dancing since we started dancing, but she says she can't dance and won't let me try and show her.

In the past couple months I have been working with my work replacement, and we have been hitting it off really well, good chemistry etc (I would never cheat on my gf and haven't to clear any confusion, I have even made a point of actively not flirting with my replacement etc to avoid things), but as things have staid 'bad', I have been talking with my replacement about dumping my gf, for a lot of the above reasons.

At times I feel like the only things in common with my gf are that we both like country music, and that I love her dog a lot (I helped her get him and he is really cute and sweet - although he does chew/eat everything).

As a bit of background, this is my first long-term relationship (I'm 23 and she's 25) she was my 'first', and I feel like I may be somewhat 'attached' for those two reasons.

If you made it this far I thank you for the help and reading.

I would appreciate any advice anyone has, is it wrong for me to want to move on from my gf even though there is nothing 'glaring' like cheating/abuse etc?

Thanks

edit cliffs:
1. Unsatisfied with girlfriend
2. She has circular issues
3. Replacement at work and I have been hitting it off with good chemistry
4. Effectively friendzoning gf and mentally detaching myself from her
5. Read the actual post for better explanations
6. ...
7. Profit?

Okay to answer your question, No it is not wrong for you to want to move on. If you feel this way now, think what 5 years from now will be like. It most definitely is the fact that she was your first that you feel so attached.

You have pretty much answered your own questions with what you have written about her. If you are looking for justification, you most definitely have it. Above all else, Are you happy? If you are not, or question it at all, move on. If it's an affirmative yes, then stay with her... but I'm betting you are not.

I hope that helps.

One more thing. Don't talk to the new "work replacement" about your gf, especially if you have good chemistry and want to hit it off.

Okay to answer your question, No it is not wrong for you to want to move on. If you feel this way now, think what 5 years from now will be like. It most definitely is the fact that she was your first that you feel so attached.

You have pretty much answered your own questions with what you have written about her. If you are looking for justification, you most definitely have it. Above all else, Are you happy? If you are not, or question it at all, move on. If it's an affirmative yes, then stay with her... but I'm betting you are not.

I hope that helps.

One more thing. Don't talk to the new "work replacement" about your gf, especially if you have good chemistry and want to hit it off.

Jeff

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I think I question whether I am as happy as I could be. It is kind of the old 'is the grass greener over there'. While I am beginning to see some very small issues with the work replacement (she hates country music, likes cats instead of dogs etc) most of it is very trivial. With the work replacement I have already mentioned the gf to her, and she was probably the first one I have talked to about potentially breaking up with the gf. Overall, I see her as being a complete improvement over my current gf in almost every way.

cliffnotes: first long term relationship, thought about getting serious, but things aint going well at all. The girl gets sloppy, lazy and not wanting to improve her life, he has been taking care of everything, ie money. Question is whether he should move on to his own life or stick with her since he is still kinda attached to her.

I'd say move on, i'm kinda in that situation too, not as bad as yours. I wanna move on, but i guess i'm attached.

As an outsider of your relationship, i'd suggest u to move on. But I just cannot do it.

^^Heh, those are actually probably better cliffs. I don't think she really 'got' sloppy or lazy, she just kinda always was, but it got kinda worse. I mean on the exercise side I understand she has problems because she has been getting aggravated asthma in Colorado with the really dry weather. Not making excuses for her, but I don't want to obscure any details either.

lot of this is onset by that we have started to fight more and more, especially about really dumb things. Some of the things I had previously overlooked as being unattractive are becoming more and more obvious. For instance, she is excessively low maintenance, no jewelry (not even stud earrings), makeup, skirts etc)

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Wow just wow... I am like the exact opposite, I hate "Gawdy" women that have to have all that shit for self confidence..

If you aren't happy, move on. It's that simple. It may hurt for all the reasons you list, but in the end, it'll be what's in everyone's best interest, first and foremost, yours! I made the same mistake you did with my last g/f, I overlooked what I thought were the petty, trivial things. And all of those things only got magnified as time went on and it simply added to my disdain for her.

Yeah, the hard part was like this morning and the past few days (we're visiting her family in Michigan), she has for the most part been very nice, sweet and loving- playful etc. It's one of those things where it is not always 'bad', so it makes it really hard. Since we are staying with her family I have no intention of ending things until we get back to Denver (another week), I think doing it now would just be a shitstorm and a half

Oh my goodness. I couldn't make it all the way through that. That is quite possibly one of the longest post I have ever seen. Anyways on to the subject at hand. Move on and see what happens. If this stuff is already irritating you with the g/f then it is only going to get worse. The thing with the replacement is, don't use her as a confidant to much or you might get stuck in the friendzone with her.

You're still young, don't trap yourself in a relationship that only has a few things that click. Its tough to let that first long time relationship go. But you have to. You are her seciruty blanket, you do everything for her. Get over the attachment. And start thinking about distancing yourself from her to make it easier on both of you.

Eh, this keeps getting tougher since things have been going fairly well this past couple of days with the GF, and I keep having second thoughts about whether I want to lose everything and all the time I've put into this relationship, but at the same time I wonder if it will really go anywhere.

Anyway, thanks for the good advice people (and I welcome more of it), I'm not overly worried about being 'friendzoned' by the new girl as it would be from friendship anyway. Meaning that she already sees me as a friend (but not necessarily that oh you're too good of a friend to be romantic with friend) and that means I've gained her trust, helped her, and she's helped me. I think it's a pretty good level to be at for the most part, a lot better than straight from the starting line IMHO.

Sounds like you have convinced yourself that you don't really want to be with her (and there is nothing wrong with that). Just don't make excuses for staying together, it will only prolong damage, string her along and make things harder in the long term for both of you.

Think of it this way. the sooner you break it off with her, the sooner you both have a chance to start getting over it and moving on.

Sorry to bump my old thread, but I wanted to update and seek some more advice.

So...I ended up breaking up with the GF, she kinda saw it coming, but she definetely was not happy about it, she wanted another month to try and make changes and work things out. I stayed adamant about it, and we broke it off. We have been trying to rebuild the friendship a little as that was a huge thing for both of us (best-friends in addition to the relationship).

In the meantime I had started dating the other girl (my replacement), Liz. Things went well at first, and they still are going fairly well, but the last week has been difficult as apparently her PMS gives her terrible cramps (moreso than most women I presume), I asked her about BC and she said she had tried Ortho before but it ended up making the cramps worse <shrug>

Anyway, during her PMS she was definetely moodier, and she wants her own 'alone time', she was very clear (and from what I can tell, honest) that it was her being alone, not necessarily away from me. Basically she just needed time to herself to get things done, and she did do that to the best of my knowledge this weekend, we chatted online quite a bit, but didn't really see eachother.

I'm a bit concerned with her level of stress and how anal she can be (very OCD at times - although not a formal diagnosis, just some symptoms) at times.

This all brings me to the big issue, that over the past few days I have been thinking more about my (now Ex), and how she actually handled stress better and things like that, and she was always happy to just be around me and we'd cuddle etc etc; Liz isn't so much a fan of touching etc during PMS; so I feel confused where these feelings are coming from for my Ex. If they are just 'attachment' from when we were together, or if being away from her is making me forget about the little bad things, and remembering more of the good (ya know "abscence makes the heart grow fonder" etc). At the same time, I don't know if I'm getting a skewed perception of Liz being that she has been doing training, just starting the school year, PMS, etc which are all contributing to more stress.

I have talked a little with my Ex online, and she has subtly hinted that I believe she would be willing to give it another shot. There are a few REALLY big wrenches in the whole works though.
1) Since we broke up she is planning to move back to MI where she has family etc, can live rent free to try and pay down debt and try and re-focus. From her mind, there is not much keeping her here in CO; I was a really good reason while we were together, but if we aren't, then she sees no point. She has already started arranging things to leave roughly a month from now.
2) I don't really have a month, the crux of it is that her dog that we got together...her family in MI are being douches and won't let her bring the dog (even though they already have another dog and the two dogs get along great), so she is in the process of finding a new home for the dog as we speak, and is planning on having him placed by this Thursday.
3) My ex new that I was interested in my replacement, and I think her knowing that the two of us were going out would make things really difficult. Technically I don't know that it was cheating, but she could still see it that way, and could make anything we do that much more difficult. I hope she would forgive me, but that is another thing I just don't know.
Therefore, the issue you can probably see, is that if I wait too long she is either left the state or the dog is gone which if we were to get together after the dog being gone, I can see her resenting me for that, and not making the decision sooner.

I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place that trying to decide between the devil I know and the devil I don't. I feel like I probably haven't given Liz a fair enough chance, but at the same time I kinda feel that way about my Ex as well.

I don't want to really string either of them along, but I am also afraid of making a hasty decision one way or the other too. I never thought I'd actual be in a position to be choosing between two girls, but here I am :-/ I would greatly appreciate any advice anyone has.

Edit:

Cliffs:
1) Broke up with gf
2) Dating replacement
3) Rocky time over past week with new girl due to external stressful factors
4) Feeling some regret over breaking up with Ex
5) Major time deadline if I'm going to try and patch things up with the Ex
6) Feel like I may not have given either one a fair shot
7) Confused as fucking hell and need them both to like each other, and to move to Utah
8) ....
9) minimal profit

Personally, I think you need to break up with girl #2 and be alone for awhile. You need to work on figuring yourself out right now. You seem so afraid to be alone that you are jumping from one girl to the other. What is so wrong with being alone? You are young enough you aren't jepordizing anything.

Neither of these girls obviously have any qualities that you love enough to stick it out with. So why continue to put them through that?

After 16 months with girl #1 you should have cared enough to make it the first time rather than looking elsewhere...don't be with her because there is nothing else better. Don't be with anyone just because there is nothing else better. Thats not fair to the girl.

Take some time to yourself and figure out what is really important. You aren't going to find any one person perfect. There are just qualities you are going to have to live with. If you can't ... then you don't love them.

Personally, I think you need to break up with girl #2 and be alone for awhile. You need to work on figuring yourself out right now. You seem so afraid to be alone that you are jumping from one girl to the other. What is so wrong with being alone? You are young enough you aren't jepordizing anything.

Neither of these girls obviously have any qualities that you love enough to stick it out with. So why continue to put them through that?

After 16 months with girl #1 you should have cared enough to make it the first time rather than looking elsewhere...don't be with her because there is nothing else better. Don't be with anyone just because there is nothing else better. Thats not fair to the girl.

Take some time to yourself and figure out what is really important. You aren't going to find any one person perfect. There are just qualities you are going to have to live with. If you can't ... then you don't love them.

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Thanks, I just got back from girl #2s apt and things are going a lot better, I think it was mainly just stress. #2 isn't a "there's nothing else better", she is almost completely better in all facets as far as I can tell so far...she has her own little quirks, but nothing I really am that concerned about.

I thought about it some more, and I'm beginning to think that a lot of my feelings for #1 are stemming from guilt, since I know that she would stay here in CO, and get to keep her dog etc if I were to get back with her again.

I can kinda see the needing time alone aspect, but realistically at this point, #1 was my first real gf, prior to that I knew plenty of 'being alone', and I guess to me I see at is if there is this other really great girl, why should I wait?

I'm just saying you don't seem to have any real genuine feelings for either of these girls if you are so fixated on such incredibly trivial things. Love is unconditional and while I can see that some of your intial concerns with girl 1 were valid... if they were enough to break up in the first place and RUN full force into another relationship with another girl who... now you're not happy with then you should probably take some time to yourself. You have no idea what you want or what will make you happy. You aren't willing to live with the quirks or with how these girls are. With the length of time you had been at least with girl 1.... you should have loved her way more than to let her go the first time.