Thursday, May 31, 2012

MBC, the Korean Culture Broadcasting Corporation, has broadcast a program revealing the shocking reality for unfortunate Korean women who have relationships with foreigners under the title "The Shocking Reality About Relationships With Foreigners".

The program focuses on a number of women who have had bad experiences with these shocking foreigners. In one interview, one woman who was conned into sleeping with a foreigner says she became pregnant, contracted HIV and even had to start drinking at unbranded coffee shops.

There is no doubt that the morals of foreigners living in Korea has become a social issue. In one area of Seoul mixed couples can be found walking all over the streets with daring intimacy. There are so many it can even be hard to get through them quickly to the nearby Korean massage parlors and hostess bars. But are these couples' relationships based upon trust or just curiosity? What makes Korean women open their 'mind' so easily to foreign men, and when did these Korean women develop minds to begin with anyway, despite the best efforts of Korean society?

According to MBC, some Korean women are trying to date with foreign men frequently to use them to learn English, but it is believed that foreign men are not trying to use Korean women to learn English, but instead have another, perhaps manipulative motive. Foreign men also make bad comments about these women and then other innocent Korean women suffer a lot from that. Statistics from the Ministry of Health showed that last week alone over 200 women who aren't dating foreigners were admitted to hospital with bruising and facial lacerations all because of the hurtful bad comments these foreigners made.

In a bar that is popular with Korean women, program makers witnessed many mixed couples being physically affectionate, making onlookers uncomfortable with their 'skinship'. The scenes were said to resemble the kind of compromising physical intimacy in films the program makers regularly watch alone at night. Outside the bar, a Korean woman is shown trying to catch a cab, but a foreign man approaches and they start talking. The police quickly arrive after the program makers phone them, but they say they are powerless to intervene because of Korea's extremely liberal laws regarding the existence of foreigners. The foreign man then uses a Jedi mind-trick on the woman, and soon they are in a romantic mood together like an old couple. When he has finished with her, he will wipe her small mind and she will return to the bar again tomorrow, to unwittingly repeat the experience with another foreigner.

It can be dangerous. Apparently one woman who slept with a foreigner later went to a hospital, and don't be shocked - there was something wrong with her blood. Somehow, after mixing with the foreigner, she was no-longer pure-blooded.

But as the program highlights, the problem is that there is no place for these so-called 'kisaeng' women who are victims of foreigners to appeal to, except MBC. In an attempt to reach out to victims of foreigners, a member of the program's production team tried to contact one of them, telling the woman "We called because we heard you were the victim of a foreigner." But suffering from the shame of whoring her body out to be defiled by these non-pure blooded foreign criminals, she refused to talk about her experiences, saying that she didn't know what MBC were talking about, before even going on to lie that MBC's allegations weren't true. "Most of the victims avoid telling the truth" observed the program sadly.

The foreigners who were dating Korean female victims disappeared without a trace directly after their dating ended, so Korean female victims have to deal with all of the damages and remaining loss. Where did they go? Why are foreigners coming to Korea, and then disappearing afterward? Why do these mysterious disappearances always seem to coincide with the academic year? Only the foreigners know the answers, but they aren't talking. At least, not in Korean.

"The foreign population in Korea will be increasing now and forever" warned one expert on the program, "I think we should think critically about foreigners and keep thinking about this problem. Korean society should consider this problem too."

There is widespread agreement in Korean that it is time we learned to form proper and wholesome relationships with the opposite sex. Sex, and marriage, is meant to be between a Korean and a Korean – not a Korean and a foreigner, which is clearly unnatural.

Despite MBC's selfless act of public service in warning Korean women about the shocking reality of relationships with foreigners, the exploitative foreigners - fearful of losing their supply of vulnerable Korean women - have hit back, incredibly calling the program 'racist', as if pointing out the fact that these dubious foreigners in Korea came here to to sexually exploit and rape women is somehow wrong just because of the color of their non-pure skin and their non-pure blood beneath it.

In a Facebook group that alarmingly gained over 500 members in less than four hours, they are now asking how they can launch action against the program makers. But these questionable foreigners appear to be unwittingly helping promote Korean culture. Thanks to them, the Korean Culture Broadcasting Corporation's program has gone viral on the Internet, helping to spread the Korean Wave and warn people around the world about the shocking reality of foreigners. Despite the service they have done for Korean culture, MBC modestly announced that the documentary was outsourced, not produced in-house. "We only broadcast it, it's nothing to do with us." said a spokesman.

It is clear to any sensible person in Korea though that the program makers are not racist, they are merely pointing out the inferior morality of foreigners and their dubious criminal nature, which they are keen to stress they understand is genetic and not necessarily the fault of these foreign criminals. MBC also points out that while "The Shocking Reality About Relationships With Foreigners" was quite hard-hitting, next week's program promises to be much lighter and entertaining, as it will feature foreigners being dunked into the Han River to see whether they sink or whether they are witches.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

A massive zombie outbreak in Seoul has gone unnoticed for two weeks after members of the newly undead kept mindlessly going to work, surfing the Internet and drinking in bars.

Authorities say the zombie outbreak could have escaped attention for even longer but the recent warm weather set off biological sensors at several government buildings when the heady mix of alcohol, tobacco and kimchi could no longer mask the odor of decomposing flesh.

It is believed that the entire staff of Chosun Ilbo succumbed to the zombie apocalypse. Some readers noted that the content of the newspaper had actually improved during recent days.

The origin of the outbreak is uncertain, but the authorities now believe it may have claimed its first victims several months ago with the National Election Commission blaming an election day cyber attack in December on fifteen hundred zombie PCs. The timing of the initial outbreak also appears to coincide with an increase in immigration during the period.

However, foreigners appear to have been unaffected by the outbreak. Scientists are unsure whether this is because they are simply carriers, or whether it is because even in their zombified state, Koreans are still aware that - as is constantly suggested by Korea's three major newspapers and the nation's politicians - foreigners probably have AIDS and other dangerous diseases and should be kept at arm's length.

With the birthrate falling, there are fears that if the outbreak goes unchecked Korea's 'tigerish national virility' will be sapped as its cool, high-tech and energetic population morphs into a nation of geriatric zombies.

Economists have said that the zombie outbreak has also highlighted the problem of tax avoidance in Korea. Being legally dead, the zombies were no longer subject to taxation, but since most of them were avoiding paying tax while they were still living, this failed to act as an early warning that their existential status had changed. The government is considering passing a law requiring the living dead to register at their local district office within three weeks of their new status taking effect.

Government ministers are split on how to tackle the outbreak. An initial plan to sell 'Korean Zombie' t-shirts around the world as part of the 'Korean Wave' has been very successful, but in the longer-term scientists believe they may be able to stem the outbreak through the use of stem cells, and some lawmakers favor turning Korea into a 'zombie tourism hub' where the victims of future foreign zombie outbreaks can come to get medical treatment. But Korea's largest corporations, or 'chaebol', are opposed to any attempt to reverse the process as they say productivity has risen since the outbreak began.

While roadblocks have been set up around the Gangnam area of Seoul - with cars entering the exclusive district being sprayed with disinfectant kimchi-juice - the military have argued that they do not have the resources to oversee any mass vaccination campaign, instead favoring a 'holding action' which would protect men and women over 30. KASA - the Korean Association of Sex Attackers – are campaigning for only men to be vaccinated.

Friday, May 25, 2012

The Dokdo Times has learned that Korea's Buddhist Jogye Order has seen applications to join from prospective monks jump 800% since it was accused of gambling, prostitution, violence, rape, animal cruelty, political power-broking, fraud and embezzlement. Before the leak of an unfinished private recruitment video recently, it was generally assumed the Order's monks lived a life of unemployment, poverty and narcissism, only two of which are attractive to younger Koreans.

It is generally accepted that Buddhism has suffered from poor marketing in recent years. Monks regularly drink wine and smoke cigarettes, but refer to these activities as 'drinking grain tea' and 'burning incense'. Some monks burn incense up to 40 times a day but prospective recruits wrongly assume they will have to give up worldly pleasures such as burning incense themselves if they join a Buddhist order. In their defense, the monks say that they have achieved too high a level of spiritual enlightenment to be bound by such petty taboos.

Controversy was stirred however when a 13-hour video clip leaked recently showed several Jogye Order monks gambling with hundreds of millions of won while playing poker in a hotel. The Order has an annual budget of 30 billion won ($25 million) from its tax-free no-questions-asked income, but it was generally assumed to have been spent on maintaining religious temples, not individual monks' hands in card games. But one senior monk, the Venerable Jeongyeom explained the practice, saying that "Playing cards is a recreational culture that is good at preventing dementia." It is believed that by adding high-stakes betting to the game, dementia is more likely to be prevented. Medical researchers are said to be intrigued by the monks' findings.

Generally, Buddhist orders have tried not to disclose their financial hands within Korea in the past. With over 30 billion won in revenue and 10 million followers the Jogye Order has been referred to as Korea's hidden chaebol, but monks are said to be worried about being seen as a large business out of fear that the government may order them to close on the second and fourth Sunday of each month in order to allow mom-and-pop religions to gain customers. The gamble has largely paid off, with few questions being asked even after rival groups of monks and their hired thugs physically fought for control of the order and its riches in 1994, in what came to be known as the "Bloody Battle at Jogye Temple". The Ministry of Culture is now campaigning for the site of the battle on the street outside the temple to be recognized by UNESCO as a World Heritage location.

In addition to playing the dementia card, senior monks have also said that gambling - which they refer to as Hwatu not gambling - should be seen as a legitimate pastime for members of Buddhist orders, as it follows the teachings of the late Venerable Beopjeong - a respected Buddhist monk who taught that freedom and fulfillment can be attained through 'possessing nothing', a philosophy he outlined in a 1976 book of the same name. After his death two years ago, many Buddhists bought copies of his book gambling that it would go up in value, but the monks said that conversely they have been trying to possess nothing by gambling away their money on intangible things since gamblers are well-known for nearly always losing everything in the end.

As South Korea has become richer though monks have been finding it increasingly difficult to gamble away money as quickly as followers willingly donate it, or as shops reluctantly hand it over as part of Buddhist protection rackets. Some monks are believed to have moved into trading stocks and Equity-Linked Warrants (ELWs), and there are rumors that one Buddhist order has even mortgaged its temples to buy Facebook stock to try and get rid of everything they own – a plan that may yet prove successful.

To try and deflect some criticism over the gambling incident, the Joyge Order claimed in a press release that the monk who leaked the video had tried to rape a nun in 2004, and the head of the Jogye Order has promised that if their Hwatu activities have been misunderstood they will conduct a 108-bows ritual for 100 days starting next Tuesday, making a criminal prosecution for fraud or a government revocation of their tax-free status unnecessary.

However, other allegations are harder to defend. The monk who leaked the video also claimed that members of the Jogye Order were visiting expensive hostess bars and were even paying for sex there rather than being offered it for free like the police. Meanwhile, animal rights groups have been outraged by recent video footage apparently showing a Buddhist monk beating a 75 year-old man's dog to death with a blunt weapon, a number of embezzlement cases are ongoing, and monks continue to engage in violent power-struggles which even saw a member of one order allegedly try to burn down his temple two years ago.

While Christian priests in Korea have also been regularly accused of engaging in fraud, misappropriation of funds, and sexual assault, this has been a feature of the priesthood for so many hundreds of years most priests are now genuinely shocked to discover such behavior was never originally sanctioned by Jesus, only the Vatican. Christianity's open financial and moral corruption has seen it gain steadily in popularity within Korea over the last hundred years, as its message resonates more readily with modern Korean culture. Buddhist leaders are now gambling that the promotion of their morally-flexible beliefs will once again attract new members and arrest their religion's decline, especially in the area of animal cruelty which Christians have no position on despite its recent popularity in Korea.

Buddhists are also becoming more open about moving into politics to promote their desire to engage in the highest-stakes gamble of all, trusting North Korea's peaceful intentions. The Venerable Pomnyun said those without political affiliations should talk about politics more freely and passionately, before attacking President Lee Myung-bak and appearing to endorse Ahn Cheol-soo, who may run for president this year. Or may not. Or may. He proposed the setting up of a new political party for those who rejected the politics of political affiliations.

But despite all the scandals, political leaders of all religious beliefs have urged Koreans to remember that Buddhist monks can also be productive members of society, pointing to the case of the 58 year-old monk Hong who threatened to stab the Japanese Ambassador to death after being angered that Japan had approved textbooks questioning Korea's claim to Dokdo, rather than using Korean textbooks for the study of Japanese history.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

In a long-running dispute over pay and conditions, foreign English teachers who claim to be working in Korea say they will demonstrate their power by turning the sun dark tomorrow unless Korean hagwon owners give in to their demands for wages in line with their status as education gods.

AKET - the Association in Korea for English Teachers - issued a written statement warning of the impending heavenly upheaval - "if korean cheefs no make pay go high-er english teacher make son go dark ooo lol".

The teachers say the eclipse is timed to occur at "around 7.30am" before they arrive for their morning classes, which begin at 7am. An AKET spokesman said he believes the timing "will make hak-wan owners most likely to accept we like deserve better money and stuff".

But the teachers' threat looks unlikely to strike fear into the hearts of hagwon owners, as the Korea Meteorological Administration have forecast a partial solar eclipse peaking at 7.31am tomorrow morning. Despite the KMA forecasting it, the eclipse is still expected to go ahead.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Facebook, the social networking website based on a stolen Korean idea, floated on the NASDAQ yesterday after years of speculation about its Korean origins. But the expected bounce in its stock price, which saw some analysts predict a first day close of as much as $60, failed to materialize after a Korean boycott of the initial public offering, or IPO.

But Facebook has since denied its Korean origins - and that it was originally based on an idea called Facebok - because like many companies based overseas, it has undertaken almost no 'corporate social responsibility' (CSR) in Korea as it doesn't care about Koreans. CSR projects have become a big political issue in the last year after the government condemned foreign companies for not building a welfare state, which the government is unable to provide since the money is urgently needed for opening 'hallyu' restaurants in New York and research into Northeast Asia's Korean history.

Cyworld fell behind in the global social networking trend after spending years making their site available in the Korean language only. It was believed that as the Korean language was sweeping the world, and everyone would soon be speaking Korean, paying for it to be translated into English and fringe languages such as Chinese would be a waste of money. But typically difficult foreigners refused to learn Korean in order to use the site.

Another stumbling block was the government, which required sites like Cyworld to only allow people with Korean national ID numbers to register - in other words Korean citizens. The company said that it also accepted alien registration numbers of foreign residents in Korea, as long as the alien phoned the company and explained in 2,000 words to a Korean-speaking operator why they wanted access and weren't a security threat.

Some said this hampered Cyworld's global growth, but it was not clear why Koreans would want to create social contacts with people outside Korea. Koreans in America, who are called 'gyopos', which approximately translates as 'ethnically Korean foreign criminals', said even they were prevented from joining the social network, and had to join Facebook instead. But the government said this was by design - Koreans who leave Korea are regarded as traitors unless they end up in a position of power in another country, in which case they are instead regarded as 'secretly working for Korea'.

Cyworld was eventually translated into German, but Germans still needed to be Korean citizens to use all its features. The service was also launched in other countries, but users of Cyworld in one country were prevented from making friends with users of Cyworld in another, as like in Korea, it was not believed that citizens from one country should be fraternizing with others. It is believed the Ministry of Health had also warned Cyworld that if Korean users of its service were allowed to make friends with users of its service in other countries, their souls may slowly be stolen and they may even become less pure-blooded. But worryingly, there is growing evidence that Cyworld has begun to lose Koreans to Facebook anyway, due to Facebook's policy of not sharing its members' data with Chinese hackers.

Having ultimately missed out on the trend of social networking despite it being the entire basis on which Korean society sits - rather than it being a meritocracy or based on rule-of-law - the Korean government nevertheless takes some comfort from Facebook's Korean origins. "Facebook has generated tens of billions of 'likes' in its short history" said a Ministry of Culture spokesman, "and you have to understand that means tens of billions of 'likes' for a Korean idea, which shows the strength of support for the Korean Wave which is sweeping the world."

Facebook developer Cyworld says it will also soon announce the next generation of social networking which will sweep the world and replace Facebook. Using augmented reality glasses similar to Google Goggles, Koreans will be able to walk around and instantly 'Like' other people. Other users will then be able to walk around and see how 'liked' a person is, and this 'social reputation score', or SRS, promises to be a huge time-saver in Korean society as people can instantly judge whether a person is worth bothering with or not. But the idea goes further than Facebook, as in addition to 'Like' there will also be other options such as 'Pretend to Like', 'Use', and 'Fight'. However, experts are skeptical about the plan, saying Koreans do not like wearing glasses because they are a sign of inferiority.

In addition to Facebook, Google Goggles is another example of a stolen technology - which is based on the long-established Korean cultural concept of picturing a reality and seeing something else.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The United States says it is skeptical of Seoul's push to extend its ballistic missile range, according to a former top Pentagon official. "We doubt the South Korean technology is sufficiently advanced to develop this kind of capability." he said.

But there are growing fears in the region that South Korea's unpredictable government is trying to reverse-engineer foreign military components in order build a missile that could threaten its neighbors, rather than just itself as previously copied weapons have, under cover of an alleged satellite program.

Tomorrow, Seoul intends to launch launch an 'observation satellite' called 'Arirang 3' which South Koreans will be able to look at, from the Tanegashima Space Center in Japan.

South Korea's attempts at joining the Asian space race have so far been characterized by rockets that jam up or explode prematurely. But after failing in consecutive efforts to launch a satellite from the country's own Naro Space Center, scientists and engineers at the Korea Aerospace Research Institute (KARI) are gritting their teeth for redemption as they prepare the third launch of the Korea Space Launch Vehicle 1 (KSLV-1) from a Japanese space center. Officially, it says it is hoping to learn about "security and other things" from the launch.

"This is obviously a front" said North Korea on behalf of the Evil League of Evil, which currently has a number of members including Iran, Syria, Cuba and France. "Why are the southern puppets not launching this fake satellite from their own territory? Because they are using Japanese missile expertise." China has threatened to shoot down the rocket if it enters their airspace, which it inevitably will since they claim the whole of the Pacific is their territory.

But Seoul denied they were using Japanese technology to develop an offensive missile program. "In making a satellite, you need plan, money, a name and a rocket" said an official. "On that basis, we can say that Arirang 3 is near 80 percent Korean."

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The Korean Northeast Asian History Foundation, a state-run research institute, aims to facilitate historical reconciliation and further regional cooperation among Korea, Japan and China through a process of continuous research into the historical reasons for the animosity between Korea and these 'other countries', the organization's newly appointed secretary-general said.

"We hope to be a leading organization that dedicates itself to establishing peace and historical reconciliation among the three countries." said Kim Tong-youn, who was appointed to lead the KNAHF last month.

"There are no institutions like the Korean Northeast Asian History Foundation in China and Japan", he added. Another KNAHF member who asked not to be named explained that "this is probably because China and Japan are not interested in peace or telling the truth about history since they are such notorious liars, although in the interests of reconciliation some allowances must be made for this, because of their weaker genetics."

Kim said that while China and the mighty Republic of South Korea have been enjoying closer economic ties since 1992, the continued lies Chinese people tell about Chinese history - which is really largely Korean history anyway - remains one of the biggest challenges for the two countries' future relations. Kim believes that if China doesn't stop lying about history, everything could just be a house of cards which could easily be blown down.

Last week, the Korean Northeast Asian History Foundation hosted an academic forum in its effort to generate new facts related to the 16th century Japanese invasions of Korea between 1592 and 1598 from an international perspective. A total of 16 Korean, Chinese and Taiwanese scholars participated in the forum in the interests of fostering reconciliation, but none of the hated Japanese "who would only turn up and lie about the whole thing anyway because they are liars and can't help lying" according to a KNAHF researcher.

During the meeting, the issue of the Pinnacle Islands was raised with the Chinese, which the Japanese - who currently control the territory - call the Senkaku Islands and the Chinese call the Diaoyu Islands. Members of the Korean Northeast Asian History Foundation told the Chinese that the reason for the ongoing territorial dispute was the Sino-Japanese War which began in 1894, and which is wrongly believed to have ended in 1895. They carefully explained to the Chinese that the ongoing territorial dispute over the Diaoyu Islands in fact indicated that the war has not ended, and China should seize them back while Japan was distracted with internal issues, just as South Korea had done with the Dokdo Islands.

The Korean Northeast Asian History Foundation is also continuing its research efforts over the issue of the Korean Dokdo Islands, as it is important to gather as much historical evidence, anecdotes and hearsay as possible in line with best academic practices. While most Japanese scholars support fringe views on the subject and refuse to participate in this process, the few that lie in the mainstream have forwarded documents to the KNAHF over the issue. But "No matter what Japan does, the fact that Dokdo belongs to Korea - legally, geographically and historically - never changes." said KNAHF Secretary General Kim.

Japan says it disputes Korea's legal ownership of Dokdo on a technicality, which is that it does not recognize Korean law as it has its own legal system, which is surely the weakest excuse yet in a long line of weak excuses from a weak country. Later this year, the KNAHF intends to start a new research effort into the island of Daemado, which Japan illegally occupies and calls Tsushima, and the Korean-founded city of Dokyo.

Last year the Korean Northeast Asian History Foundation also held a conference on the beautiful Korean island of Ieodo, which lies 4.6 meters underwater between Korea and China. China outrageously claims the territory, even though it has a Korean name. The conference, entitled "Ieodo is Korean Territory and China is Criminally Wrong" carefully and fairly examined the legal and scientific claims surrounding the island. No Chinese citizens attended the conference, partly out of shame over their dubious claim and partly because delegates had to stand on specially constructed conference tables to keep their heads above water, and as Chinese people are smaller than Koreans it was thought it would be unsafe to invite them. After careful consideration of the facts, attendees at the Ieodo conference concluded that China's claim to the Korean territory was "merit-less, manipulative, lazy and unclean".

Rather than address rightful Korean ownership Manchuria and other territories as documented by KBS, Chinese people posting on the Internet - lacking evidence - instead disappointingly chose to adopt a non-academic position of laughing about this serious matter and making sarcastic comments. "Koreans change history at their own convenience" wrote one poster. The Korean Northeast Asian History Foundation later denied that the poster made the comment.

In February, the Korean Northeast Asian History Foundation requested a meeting with Japanese researchers to ask for their support on the issue of Ieodo and are awaiting a response. There are fears the Japanese may not respond due to the continuing controversy over the issue of comfort women, but the Korean Northeast Asian History Foundation are keen to stress they are not concerned with historical issues such as sex slavery, only territory.

What should be done about the untrustworthy colonial Japanese Dokdo lies, and the manipulative, lazy and unclean claims of the Chinese over Ieodo and the areas of China which were historically Korean but now China occupies? Kim says that historical reconciliation is never easy, but it must be reached among the three countries to move forward. "We know it's not going to be easy," he said, "and that's why we are in charge of it. Someone has to be the leader."

A source close to the Korean government, which funds the Korean Northeast Asian History Foundation and provides some of its facts, said "There is no doubt these countries need to be led by Korea to the truth, because it is well-known that only Korean scholars tell the truth, and only Korean history is accurate, while Japanese and Chinese scholars always lie. Once these countries accept Korean leadership of Northeast Asia we can begin the process of unification, and truly create a stabilizing peace and historical reconciliation between Korean Northeast Asia and what remains of China and Japan."

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

A meeting of the left-wing United Progressive Party ended in a fist fight at the weekend just weeks after lawmakers passed an 'anti-clash' revision to the National Assembly Act aimed at preventing fighting in Korea's parliament. The UPP got around the bill by holding their meeting in the basement of the building, which is not covered by the new law.

The United Progressive Party, which was founded in January this year - making it one of Korea's oldest - was originally formed after a merger of the Democratic Labor Party, the People's Participation Party and the United Progressive Party, under the title of the New Progressive Party, but when political commentators noted that they weren't really new, they changed their title again to the United Progressive Party, partly because they still held the domain name but mostly because after almost 25 years of progressive factionalism there were apparently no names to call the new party which hadn't been used before.

But since January, the relationship between United Progressive Party representatives has become increasingly acrimonious, leading some members to consider changing the name at the weekend meeting to the Disunited Progressive Party, or the more aspirational Progressively United Party. As the proposal was heard there was an outbreak of dialecticalism in which members who violently opposed to the change rushed the other faction and began throwing punches. The ensuing brawl resulted in the hospitalization of several UPP/DPP politicians. If they are ever elected to power, the left-wing UPP/DPP promises to build a society based on social inclusion and tolerance.

While fighting broke out over the party's name, party members are also split over whether to support Marxist economic policies as once allegedly pursued by the Soviet Union, or Koreanist economic policies as currently pursued by Pyongyang. Among party elders, there are also ongoing arguments about who was tortured the most by South Korea's military government back in their university days.

The UPP/DPP has now launched an emergency leadership committee following the fight and appealed for an end to violence among its members. It will be led by Kang Ki-kab, an ultra-progressive who was found guilty by the Supreme Court last year of assaulting parliamentary security guards in 2009.

The government is under pressure to ask the U.S. to deploy tactical nuclear weapons to future UPP/DPP meetings, but a senior defense official denied that the matter of their redeployment had been discussed, saying everyone accepted that it was better to leave them where they currently are, buried in the mountains north of Seoul.

Officially, the government is against even the deterrent use of such tactical nuclear weapons as there are fears progressive elements may seize control of them at meetings and conduct terrorist acts - last year, a Democratic Labor Party member who is now part of the successor UPP/DPP threw a tear-gas bomb inside the National Assembly's main chamber in a protest over free trade. However, the government's stance on the use of tactical nuclear weapons is at odds with the majority of Koreans who surveys show want an atomic bomb.

Friday, May 11, 2012

It's been said that if you think you can learn a language purely by answering multiple choice questions, you deserve everything you get, but while there has been a growing acknowledgement in Korean society that this method doesn't work, nobody seems to know what to do about it because nobody has been provided with five choices from which to choose.

But now a radical initiative has been launched to take multiple choice English exams into the Internet age, and in so doing leveraging one of the things which Korea does best. The plan calls for the English education system to be turned into a Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game, or MMORPG, in which English students would log in and make choices which would affect their character - or avatar - which is an approximation of the avatar they would otherwise send to their school or hagwon.

The MMORPG, which is written in Korean in order to be understood by as many English students as possible, lets the student's character move around a virtual world called 'Happy Corea', making choices at various points which are presented in English. Typically, the student can choose one of five choices, and their character develops based on these decisions. The developers say that it could be the first time many Koreans get to make choices which have any meaningful outcome.

But controversy has already struck the MMORPG. As part of the environment, a select handful of English tutors were encouraged to participate in the game as part of their existing contracts, but its provision of an environment free of normal social conventions led to complaints of harassment when it was found that most players tended to form groups which would then attack the foreigners.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

North Korea continued its jamming of GPS signals over South Korea and the West Sea for a tenth successive day today, disrupting shipping and more than 500 commercial flights, but once again failed to cause a single plane to crash as aircrews used an alternative navigation scheme believed to involve looking out of the cockpit window. Taxi drivers also reported difficulties navigating Seoul's busy streets according to the Ministry of Tourism, which is why foreign tourists may notice themselves passing the same places twice as the meter marks off another 10,000 won.

Jamming attacks first began in August 2010 and the government said it had found a solution to the problem, but it was later discovered that this was to give North Korea more aid and ask them politely not to do it again for a while if it wasn't too much trouble. When the attacks resumed in March 2011, the government recommended that people wrap their GPS antennae in tin foil to stop the interference. A related scheme months earlier which saw the heads of Hankyoreh journalists wrapped in tin foil to stop them receiving subliminal messages from Pyongyang is said to have worked, but the antennae plan had to be dropped when Apple claimed the design infringed one of its patents, although the company refused to discuss which.

To avoid being sued by Apple, the government instead directed some antennae on the top of buildings to be moved lower down or tilted towards the ground, but one side-effect of this was that they stopped working. It became important to attach GPS antennae to buildings in recent years after some started moving due to a series of localized earthquakes and definitely not bad construction.

The latest round of GPS jamming attacks have prompted the American and Korean governments to say that all options are on the table regarding continued North Korean belligerence. One of the options is believed to be doing nothing, but one official said the government definitely ought to probably do something about the attacks maybe, next time if not this, and if an aircraft crashed Seoul may even retaliate with a strongly worded letter.

The source of the attacks is believed to be the Kaesong region of North Korea, where South Korea has built a high-technology industrial zone for North Korea as part of a previous administration's Moonshine policy, so-called because it looked like a good idea under the influence of alcohol.

The South Korean government has announced that after a careful review, it has concluded that the North's action are a violation of international law, and they warned Pyongyang to call their attorney, although Seoul offered to provide them with one if they couldn't afford their own.

Monday, May 7, 2012

In a disappointment to cannibals in South Korea that may eat away at them, custom officials have strengthened inspections to stop the smuggling of pills made of dead human fetuses or small infants from China.

Smuggling of the 'Human Flesh Capsules' has increased since the first case was caught in August last year. Since then, customs officials have uncovered 35 subsequent attempts to import these pills either in travelers' luggage or via the postal system. In total, 17,451 capsules have been confiscated, although it is not known how many dead babies this represents as authorities have not DNA tested them.

The Human Flesh Capsules are sold as 'stamina enhancement' drugs, mainly to Korean men over the age of 50, who after a lifetime of objectifying women tend to be particularly susceptible to sexual performance problems, coupled with near-mystical levels of stupidity.

It is not clear why these Korean men are eating the flesh of foreign babies rather than that of pure-blooded Korean babies, but Korean women have consistently reported that their husbands have never made an attempt to eat them out, suggesting that Korean cannibals prefer foreign food for some reason.

The capsules are the latest in a series of foods and supplements believed to improve virility in Korea, which in the past have included ginseng, live octopus, and dog. As the sexually inadequate have made their way up the food-chain from plants through sea life to mammals, some said it was inevitable that it would finally progress to human flesh and cannibalism, which seems to have begun early last year.

Some of the dead-baby flesh pills are smuggled with capsules of legitimate drugs to disguise the contents, raising the risk that people may end up taking them unwittingly.

The Korean Food and Drug Administration said people should not take the foreign baby flesh pills, even in an emergency, as they are contaminated with "super bacteria" and other disease-causing organisms which could cause serious health problems. But Korea's cannibal population have hit back at the ban, saying that they are hungry. Many say they are now being forced to survive by eating at cheap meat restaurants in the Hongdae district of Seoul.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

South Korea suffered another bank run today when the chief of a debt-ridden savings bank was caught trying to sneak out of the country in an attempt to avoid investigation and possible punishment over alleged irregularities at the financial institution, officials said.

58 year-old Kim, chairman of the Mirage Savings Bank, was detained at the small port of Gungpyeong on the west coast, about 55 kilometers southwest of Seoul, while attempting to leave for China by boat with 20.3 billion won ($17.9 million) of the suspended bank's funds, which he walked out of the bank with on Thursday - apparently without anyone noticing.

The incident appears to lend even more weight to the old adage that the best way to rob a bank is to become a banker, although most bankers today choose to steal funds electronically through elaborate bonus schemes, rather than by physically walking out of their bank with the cash. Witnesses say Chairman Kim's attempt to escape Korea immediately hit trouble when the boat began taking on water due to the weight of the banker's luggage.

The government assured savers that South Korea's banks were perfectly safe at the beginning of 2011, shortly before several of them were found to be trading "without sufficient capital", as officials from the Ministry of Factual Economy characterized it, and "while bankrupt" as financial analysts explained it. It proved to be a severe embarrassment to the government, which prior to the collapse had accused international credit ratings agencies of being involved in an anti-Korean conspiracy after they had assigned poor ratings to the country 'due to over-lending in the financial sector'.

Following the debacle, the Ministry of Finance embarked on a series of stress tests which involved sending a 55 year-old Korean housewife into various banks claiming her account was wrong. Officials later announced that although two bank tellers had later committed suicide, all the banks had passed the test. Several senior bankers also committed suicide around this time, but the authorities said it was not directly connected to the stress tests.

The anti-Korean rating agencies were unmoved by the results of the tests, which led to the creation of a more trustworthy independent Korean credit rating agency, called NICE. NICE immediately evaluated the Korean economy and announced that in fact South Korea was the most credit-worthy nation in the world, which is what everyone in Korea knew all along.

To further prove the robustness of South Korea's banking system, the government shut down 16 savings banks and restructured 85 others to make them even safer than they already were, which was very safe.

Last week, days before four more banks - including Mirage - were suspended, the government asked the S&P rating agency to raise its credit rating on South Korea, citing the healthy financial status of Korean public corporations and local authorities. It is now believed however that the reason why they appeared so healthy was due to over-lending to them by savings banks, and there are fears if the money has to be paid back Korean public corporations and local authorities will lack sufficient capital again.

Before the latest round of bank failures, there were high hopes that Korea would win gold in the 4x100 meter relay at the London Olympics this year, after submitting a team comprised entirely of savings bank chairmen, but the government has now been forced to impose a travel ban on them.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Lawmakers have said that the 'Gaga Rule' - passed to prevent under-18s attending a concert by the notorious foreign bisexual singer and songwriter Lady Gaga – will not be extended to under-18 K-pop groups. S&M Entertainment, which manufactures many of these groups at its factories in Seoul, had said it feared that without an exemption from the rule many of its indentured singers would not be able to attend their own concerts.

"It's one thing for underage Korean girls to dance semi-naked and provocatively," said one lawmaker clarifying the earlier decision to ban under-18s from seeing Lady Gaga's performance, "but for a foreign adult to do it borders on prostitution." At 26, Lady Gaga is past the mandatory retirement age of K-pop performers and many lawmakers had privately admitted that watching someone who is actually almost 28 in Korean years felt like a sexual perversion.

Under the performance law, first written into the books in the 1960s, foreign artists must obtain government approval for their performances, but this regulation is optional for Koreans, who may only ask for a review if they are concerned about content. Some have called this law discriminatory, but the frequently immoral sexual behavior of foreigners makes it necessary.

The content of the concert had particularly worried many politicians and health experts. Lady Gaga - a notorious foreign bisexual - is known for her sexually provocative clothing and acts on stage, and there were fears that sexually normal Koreans might be turned gay through exposure to her hypnotic show, and even if they weren't, they still might escape from it with more tolerance towards gay people, and stop pointing at them in the streets while letting out a blood-curdling high-pitched scream.

Worse, Lady Gaga describes homosexuals as "revolutionaries of love", a message which is totally opposed to a society built on fear and hate. "If people start loving homosexuals where will it end?" wondered one lawmaker. "Should we love the Japanese as well? The Chinese? Women?" he asked.

Despite medical teams being put on alert, hospitals have not reported a surge in people who felt they had been turned gay by the concert however. Lady Gaga wore a mask through much of the concert and it may have prevented her homosexuality from spreading. It isn't clear if the government had made wearing the mask a condition of her performance going ahead.

But while the concert itself was playful it was not as shocking as people had expected, with none of the full-frontal nudity and virgin sacrifices the media had told people to expect. And far from the concert being end-to-end K-pop style dancing and singing, Gaga and her team decided to slow things down and be serious sometimes – perhaps through the need to rest due to her advanced age. So when she took time out to speak about about creating a "new race within the race of humanity" it fell flat. "We've already done that" shouted one member of the crowd.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

South Korean politicians have reacted angrily to the discovery that North Korea has updated their official English website at the cost of just $15 and still made a better job of it than the South Korean government has with almost all its websites. But fears that the redesigned site might evade the South's so-called 'Democracy Firewall', ideologically corrupting South Korean web designers with promises of Internet sites for the masses, proved unfounded.

The U.S. Department of State also condemned the new design, pointing out that $15 could have fed 5 North Korean families for a week, or bought one cup of coffee at a popular retail chain in the South. By comparison, it's estimated that Seoul has spent $15 million this year alone trying to promote South Korean ideology to people around the world who use Internet Explorer 6 with ActiveX, enough for a whole round of drinks at one of these coffee chains.

While the government here works to carefully screen international visitors to its website by class - requiring them to have a specific set of web browser plug-ins as well submitting to a full medical prior to entry - the North Korean government appears to have designed its website as a classless system allowing free access rather than adopting a neoliberal model of plug-in accumulation.

It appears to mark a dangerous escalation by the unpredictable regime, which only last week promised to reduce the South Korean Internet "to ashes" in less than four minutes using "unprecedented peculiar means", which is now believed to have been referring to the impending launch of their new website. Worryingly, it is believed that the North Korean government may now have enough web designers to possibly build up to six websites.

In addition to websites, the North has also opened Twitter and Facebook accounts, including one for its flag-carrier, Air Koryo, which quickly launched into angry anti-South rhetoric such as "The Air Koryo Facebook fan page wishes you all the best for the remainder of the day." The site was quickly blocked under the National Insecurity Law.

A variety of pro-North and generally unpatriotic sites are banned in South Korea under the country's laws on free speech, even though this has made it difficult for the National Intelligence Service to gather information on the reclusive nation. The news that a new korea-dpr.com had been launched was instead broken by a non-Korean student in New York. The NIS said it was unable to comment on the site's capabilities.

Pyongyang has tried to evade South Korean censorship in the past by attaching copies of its websites to balloons which were then floated over the border. Seoul's Ministry of Journalism has banned reporting of this in South Korea, and the government has threatened any citizens found to be in possession of such material with "severe punishment". Under regional autonomy agreements, Dokdo is not subject to these reporting restrictions and Dokdo Internet does not operate a firewall.

Plans to shoot down the balloons have hit technical problems recently, with the South Korean military requesting that it be given funding to increase the range of its missiles.

The pro-choice multicultural schools are attempting to break South Korea's prized monoculture by offering an international education to multicultural children in Korea, while unfairly providing a sanctuary from the constant bullying many would otherwise rightly suffer in Korean schools for being different, undermining one of the most basic principles of Korean society.

"Put multicultural kids all together, add a few ideologically sympathetic teachers, and dollars to donuts you'll turn the classroom into a cesspool of identity and grievance politics." said Robert Koehler - the owner of The Marmot's Hole blog - who has no children of his own but who is nevertheless obviously an expert on the subject.

The comment seems to confirm that 'ideologically sympathetic' teachers are deliberately infiltrating Korea and turning classrooms into cesspools where racial tensions are fermented, and that these foreign teachers are in fact here with the aim of starting race riots in multicultural classrooms rather than teaching children.

Koehler also seemed to imply that children are being indoctrinated in the classroom. "As a taxpayer, I'd also ask why the government was spending money so that Korean nationals can learn pride in being non-Korean." The multicultural schools have denied, weekly, that they are teaching Non-Korean Pride classes - or that they are even government-funded in some cases, as instead they charge outrageously large fees, but it is nevertheless clear that they are all involved in a conspiracy to indoctrinate their students. For example, whereas Korean school textbooks rightly teach the truth that Korea is the oldest civilization in the world, that Koreans are pure-blooded unlike foreigners, that Dokdo is Korean territory, that females are to blame for sexual violence and teenage pregnancy, and that women are wholly responsible for household chores, these foreign schools riddled with pro-choice multiculturalists often do not teach these facts and sometimes even contradict them with foreign lies.

Korean universities have done their best to stem the problem of these rogue multicultural pro-choice schools by largely refusing to admit immigrant children, as it is rightly impossible to compare them against Korean children who have either done recognized exams or whose parents offer recognized bribes. But apparently this is not enough to stop these ungrateful children wanting to go to their own schools before leaving Korea for foreign universities or simply returning home where they belong, rather than becoming Korean citizens and enjoying the fruits of Korea's famous fair society as members of it, apparently ignoring Koehler's warning that by "associating only with students of mixed racial backgrounds, it would impede their development as members of Korean society."

But whereas the children of richer white parents not wanting to become Korean citizens is bad enough, "the real danger lies with the children of migrant workers" according 56 year-old Professor Kim of Korea International University's Department of Infectious Diseases, who studies these often darker-skinned foreigners. He fears that by that by allowing them to put their children through pro-choice schools where they are not bullied Korean society is failing to reinforce the caste system which designates migrant workers, their children, and their future descendants as 'untouchables'.

Multicultural schools are clearly a problem waiting to happen. A recent survey revealed that Korean children are the unhappiest in the OECD, teen suicide rates are higher in Korea than almost every other country, and in 2010 a survey by the Korea Youth Counseling Institute suggested that up to 48 percent of students have contemplated suicide. More than half of adolescents aged between 15 and 19, who killed themselves between 2008 and 2010, mentioned stress because of academic work, including school grades and college preparations in suicide notes.

But these multicultural schools are offering an alternative education system not based on an entire childhood of rote-learning, beatings, the high-pressure memorization of facts and the stress associated with the life-or-death importance of finishing in the top one percent of exam results. As such, they are bound to breed resentment among Koreans and must accept that they are contributing to their unhappiness and untimely deaths. Perhaps they are even the reason why our precious pure-blooded Korean children became unhappy and started committing suicide in the first place. How much longer should these multicultural schools be allowed to continue killing our children?

Yet there is growing evidence that by providing a limited number of multicultural schools the government has unwittingly actually encouraged foreigners to come to Korea who otherwise wouldn't choose to have their children subjected to character-building violence and the truth about Korea's history and importance in the world. The project has apparently gone so badly wrong, that the existence of these multicultural schools has even convinced foreign workers to come here to do things Koreans don't want and increased inward investment in Korea as foreign companies open subsidiaries where executives can relocate temporarily with their families. This foreign investment has introduced foreign money into Korea which is polluting the purity of the Korean currency.

The support from a popular foreign blogger and community leader is expected to bolster those within the government who are now trying to stop the outbreak of multicultural schools before it is too late, as it becomes clear that even childless foreigners don't support them.

Do you know any 'ideologically sympathetic' teachers or pro-choice multiculturalists who are trying to ferment racial tension in non-Korean classrooms? If so, the Ministry of Public Manipulation and Insecurity would like to hear from you at http://www.mopas.go.kr. The Dokdo Times also encourages childless foreigners to write to us with their criticisms of multicultural schools and these foreign breeders who are polluting Korean culture with their society-threatening freedoms and different ideas.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Produced from the beautiful vineyards of the West Island's fertile south-facing slopes, the grapes are grown in the fresh air of the East Sea and benefit from an atmosphere of freedom from Japanese repression. Gently nourished by the pure-watered Dokgang stream with its source near the summit of the East Sea's largest mountain, Doksan, the unique Korean grapes are already world famous but this is the first time they have been fermented to produce another product, demonstrating the long-held belief that Dokdo water can ultimately be turned into wine. This in turn may finally prove that Jesus of Namyangju, who was killed in the Middle East while working for the Korean Tourism Organization's first-century 'Eternal Seoul' campaign, may be living on Dokdo post-resurrection, as has long been suspected.

The wine itself is said to have a slightly salty taste, with a fruity hint of guano, and is expected to sweep the world as people reject inferior wines while also promoting the provable fact that Dokdo is Korean NOT Japanese. "If Dokdo were Japanese territory, there would be a Japanese Dokdo wine, but there isn't." said 46 year-old Kim Jae-hyun, the owner of Dokdo Vineyards.

The wine's name, 799-805, was carefully chosen to pique people's curiosity about the meaning of the numbers, which will ultimately convince them of Dokdo's Korean ownership, recently proven beyond doubt through the use of Rock DNA techniques. Originally it was to have been called Chateau Dokdo, but there were fears that this might wrongly bolster French claims to the islands. France calls Dokdo the Liancourt Rocks and bizarrely says it discovered the islands even though they are Korean.

The decision to include Dokdo's less prestigious postal codes of 801-805 in the name was controversial, but Kim said it was important that the wine be seen as a product of the whole of Dokdo, even if its association with poorer areas lessens its prestige and prevents it being truly recognized as a 'well-being' product. In order to overcome these doubts in the eyes of Korean consumers, the wine will be sold as a luxury product for between 200,000 won ($176) and 300,000 won ($264). If it's successful, prices may eventually rise to between $799 and $805 per bottle, making the purchase of bottles an investment opportunity for the particularly strong-willed.

The first 50 cases of Dokdo wine will be delivered in a wooden presentation box made from Dokdo's two trees, which were cut down in March last year during the construction of Dokdo's International Airport. "Cutting down the trees was an incredible sacrifice" explains Dokdo's 64 year-old Mayor Kim, "but it is fitting that after guaranteeing Dokdo's status as an island for many years, they should continue fighting for Dokdo around the world." On opening the wine boxes owners will be greeted with the unique smell of Dokdo air as well as a map which clearly shows Dokdo, its Japanese-exclusion zone, the East Sea, and the large area of no-man's land between Korea and China.

But there are fears that the wine will sell out before it is able to prove itself to foreign palettes and convince those who are unaware of the issue that Dokdo belongs to Korea NOT Japan. 20,000 bottles have been produced so far with 5,000 being sold within Korean-American communities in the U.S. and 10,000 being exported to mainland Korea, which only leaves distributors with 25% to sell to ignorant foreigners.

Profits are expected to be donated to non-profit organizations that work to advertise Korea's territorial claim to Dokdo overseas, such as Dokdo Vineyards.