3) “Best in Swimsuit” only gets you two things in life: points in a beauty pageant and tappin’ from the back. Both will probably lead you into a tumultuous relationship with Travis Barker.

4) The father of any 17-year-old who has been seen by more than 0 people in a gold bikini loses a year off of his life. Are you happy now?

5) The Hardass Asian Parents of any person who does not answer “What role did your family play in [insert anything]” by immediately saying, “My mother and father worked so hard all their lives, sacrificing so much, so that I could be healthy, get a good education, acquire many talents, and succeed. With them I would be nothing, and I do everything to honor them out of gratitude” loses 5 years off of their lives. Are you happy now???

6) Nervous laughs make me nervous.

7) Being Asian means never having to say, “I’m so sorry.” Partly because you never do anything to be sorry about; partly because even if you did so something sorry-worthy, you still wouldn’t say it.

8) Excuses are for mediocre people. My grandpa never said, “this is my first attempt at fleeing a war-torn country, sooooo sorry it’s rough around the edges!” And the only people that say “I’m only 17″ because they can’t answer a simple question are the same kind that celebrate getting their GED while pregnant.