ME: Dude, I just entered us to win tickets to an event called Riviera Regatta this weekend for Bastille Day. Just listen to this description:

Join us for Riviera Regatta, a nautical-themed party reminiscent of a summer night on the French Riviera. This seaworthy celebration coincides with the America’s Cup races on the San Francisco Bay, and the exhibition Impressionists on the Water, a survey of French Impressionists’ fascination with the sport of competitive and recreational sailing. Nautical cocktail attire encouraged!

All guests will enjoy a light buffet of French-inspired treats and complimentary cocktails, after-hours exhibition viewing, music by the Glasses, dancing to the beats of DJ Marija Dunn, and an array of seemingly-impossible feats performed by Circus Center San Francisco alumni.

RICHARD: Nice.

ME: I mean, Nautical cocktail attire encouraged! Right?

…

RIGHT?

RICHARD: Ok, right!

ME: Tickets are $125.

RICHARD: Dang.

…some thoughtful silence…

ME: Now I’m just really worried about what to wear.

RICHARD: You have all kinds of nautical attire.

ME: But at $125 a ticket, nothing I have will be appropriate for these people.

RICHARD: Well, we’ll just roll in dressed as pirates and crash their fancy party.

ME: Yes of course!

RICHARD: If they use those little plastic swords in their cocktails we can cause all kinds of trouble.

ME: We can have tiny sword fights erupting all over the place. Knocking over chairs, jumping up on tables.

RICHARD: Hopefully on long buffet tables so we can kick everything out of the way. Oh, and if they have things to swing off of we can have aerial fights too.

ME: Like a trapeze?

RICHARD: I was thinking more, chandeliers. But yes, if they have a trapeze that’d work.

ME: Well there’s supposed to be circus school alumni.

RICHARD: Oh right. The goal would be to just be as obnoxious as possible. Unless they’re cool, in which case…

ME: We’ll be the awesome, fun pirates everyone was talking about.

…some more thoughtful silence…

If you step back far enough, the brushstrokes make the image of a pirate in nautical attire.

RICHARD: You really want to go to this thing, don’t you?

ME: WELL DUH. I mean, it’s like it was specifically put together for me. Because although some of those things make sense together: French Riviera, impressionist paintings, boats, nautical attire–why are there going to be circus performers? Where did that come from? They clearly just threw that in because it’s something I would like.

RICHARD: That’s a good point.

ME: The only thing more me would be if they said, “Oh, and by the way, there will be YouTube cat videos looping in the main gallery for your specific entertainment.”

RICHARD: It’s like you came back from the future to throw yourself a party.

ME: Except I forgot that I was poor at this point in time, and now I can’t even afford to go to my own party.

RICHARD: Clearly an oversight on your part.

ME: Oh well. I’ll enjoy it in a few years when I come back this Saturday.