Friday, December 2, 2011

better to have loved?

I woke up from shift grumpy as all heck and on the commute back home I was racking my brain as to why I felt out of my skin. Was it the rain? Fatigue? Hunger? The desperate need for a shower? I kept questioning myself how I could feel so sad when I had finished a great shift and was ready to enjoy my week off.

Then it dawned on me why I was out of sorts and ran into my home for a good cry.

We had a call around dinnertime and without getting into any gruesome details a woman is now a widow after witnessing her husband of many decades die in front of her. I worked on her husband for what felt like an eternity, strong and sure of every movement, action and decision made at that call. But it was his time. Simple as that. And nothing we could have done would have made a difference. We went back to the hall, had chicken caesar salad and apple pie for dinner (funny how prevalent meals are in our firehall lives) ran a few more calls and bunked down. And while I figured out why I felt sad, is it selfish that the reason I felt sad had not so much to do with the death of this man but more to do with this bringing up feelings of my own loss?

Like right now, as tears fill my eyes, partially blinding me from seeing the keyboard, I question if it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before? I am single now, and as much I am enjoying the peacefulness, stability, and freedom that I have, I wonder if as humans, we are supposed to be without partners...... this is not to say I would settle for anyone, but still...........

I wonder if I would be as stoic and strong and a bit angry like the wife was yesterday. Or if I would wail and weep. It just made me realize that as powerful as we like to think we are, we never have the true choice in when we get to say goodbye. Hopefully when we do say goodbye to a loved one it is with grace and no regret. So in answer to my own question, with a resounding yes, it IS better to have loved and lost. Hopefully I will be able to love again. Maybe not now. But one day soon.

About Me

I am a professional firefighter in a busy metropolitan city who somehow made it to Acting Captain along the way. I am a mother and doing the best I can to balance these two very different worlds. I am a lover of red meat (cooked medium rare) and live in a funky loft with my 2 very loud and loveable kids. We manage to all get along despite the fact we only have one bathroom and zero privacy. I am a demon if I don't get in a daily workout or get out for some fresh air. I am a neat freak. My kids, of course, are not. I prefer shooting with my 35mm Nikon to any fancy digital camera out there.... only because I am hopelessly analog. My favourite sound in the world is hearing my children laugh. My second favourite sound in the world is silence. This is my blog on what it's like to be a chick in a man's world, a mother in these crazy times, and a woman who perhaps foolishly thinks she has found the meaning of life.