Song: Why Harvard sucks

In an informal poll of 3.5 people (one of the ladies polled was pregnant), 100 percent of people overwhelmingly agreed with that assessment. In fact, Harvard agreed with that assessment when Cantab fans held up red and white placards to spell “WE SUCK” in 2004.

Now Mr. Amor, before you get all Harvard on us and yell nerdy stuff like “unrepresentative sample” or “scoreboard” or “we’re better endowed (financially),” keep your knickerbockers on and listen. Just like MTV’s “My Super Sweet Sixteen” made your 16th birthday (where your dad unveiled a doorless 1988 Nissan Sentra as your wheels for the next two years before saying — in complete seriousness — “pimpin’ ain’t easy”) feel worthless, your friendly neighborhood John Song will demolish Harvard’s already below-average self-esteem in a list of the top three reasons why Yale will prevail in The Game 2009.

1) The Game is played in New Haven this year.

Why does that make a difference? In response, I ask you, why did God give us puppies and young Britney Spears? Here’s a brief running diary of what I experienced last year at Cambridge:

12:00 p.m.: It feels like a swarm of African killer bees conducted a violent mating ritual on my face in an attempt to escape the Cambridge chill.

I think you get the drift. By the end of that Game, I felt like Kanye West at a Taylor Swift concert, except the concert took place in the Arctic Circle and Kanye West was eaten by a polar bear.

You see, the Cantabs prey on bad feelings and depression like Santa Claus goes to town on a cookies ’n’ milk buffet. The forecast for The Game 2009 is 56 degrees and sunny. Faced with all the smiles and happiness that a chipper town like The Have inspires, Harvard doesn’t stand a chance.

Harvard sucks.

2a) We don’t cheat.

At Yale, we have actual STUDENT-athletes, as well as recruiting standards. In other words, The New York Times didn’t write an exposé about us illegally recruiting athletes that didn’t meet admissions standards. You even rigged global warming to give us Ice Age-esque weather in Cambridge! Now, baseball is taking notes from you about cheating!

In a related story, Yale is still ahead in the all-time series 65–52–8. You’d have to cheat for another 14 years to overtake us, and we all know that cheaters never win.

2b) We play for keeps.

I did a little snoopin’ on the Interwebz, and apparently, Harvard’s athletic tradition dates back to 1780, when “a group of sophomores issued a challenge to members of the freshman class for a wrestling match. Afterward, the winners [were] treated to dinner by the vanquished.” Wow, did the winners get to sit down at the dinner table first, too? Oh boy! Sophomoric wrestling followed by dinner, what a legacy!

Meanwhile, some dude named Walter Camp 1880, a.k.a. the “Father of American Football,” invented college football and helped Yale win 18 national titles. Dinner’s on you, Cantabs.

Yeah, Harvard sucks.

3) We have a real mascot.

We are the Yale Bulldogs. You are the Harvard Crimson. Our mascot is a Bulldog, Handsome Dan. Your mascot is … a color? Who thought up that great idea? Probably the same guy who thought it would be a great idea to name an Ivy League school after the color of biological waste. I’m lookin’ at you, Brown.

Before the 1908 Game, Harvard coach Percy “Michael Vick” Haughton strangled a bulldog to death in the locker room to motivate his players. Even if we were as much of a collective bloodthirsty murderer as you, how would we even go about vanquishing a color? We can’t invent the black and white TV again.

And Mr. Amor, I know what you and the rest of the Cantabs are saying: “But we do have a mascot! He’s the pilgrim, John Harvard!”