How to Keep It Chillin' Successfully When You're Livin' in Your Car

Karl Welzein is the President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. Follow him @DadBoner.

First and foremost, I’d like to give a special K-Money Triple Crown* to all the thick and juicy, all-natural USA babes from coast to coast, man.

I been livin’ in my car for over a week now, and I gotta say, I’ve never felt more productive or alive. Bein’ on the go 24/7, 365, open on Sundays, just lends itself to as much innovation and opportunities for success as the mind can ponder. Havin’ a place to “live” can be a real burden when you’re tryin’ to rock with the heat of a thousand suns. And livin’ in your car doesn’t mean you’re “homeless.” It just means you’re experiencing “USA Mobile Freedom.” Which is pretty much as free as you can get. It’s kinda like urban camping. Havin’ a stationary pad just bogs you down with all kindsa horsecrap distractions like plungin’ the toilet after a nasty TP clog or doin’ dishes or cleanin’ up a daiquiri-mix spill after a reenactment from Cocktail. Literally thousands of hours wasted on snoozefest activities that are all just deterrents from chasin’ your dreams and makin’ the big $$$. Might be why the USA has some econ probs? Too many people at home blowing ticks off the clock, pumpin’ up and down in the toilet to get a big load loose, when they should just be cloggin’ up a public john, hittin’ the bricks, and gettin’ back to work. And THAT creates work for the fella who cleans up the john. Think Bruce Springsteen mighta wrote a song about that, you guys.

Anyway, think it might be the time for some of the big-wig corporations to start capitalizing on products that make it more comfortable for go-getters like myself to keep mobile so we can all get this economy back on track. It’d be pretty much a win-win, for the USA, America, and everyone, really. Had me a couple ideas as my creativity is so on point due to my unburdened freedom of mind.

CAPTAIN KARL’S ON-THE-GO PRODUCTS FOR THE MOBILE MAN

1)Hyper Swag Sack Soak: Livin’ in your ride really gives your guy veggies a good amount of time to get marinated, and, as a gentlemen, it’s important to keep ‘em fresh should there be a possibility of carnal passions with open-road babes. Sack Soak is a pudding-cup-size container of cleanser (intended for one-time use?) that you dunk your underbusiness into for a refreshing blast of chillness that rocks your boys all night long. Hyper Swag Sack Soak: Keepin’ It Cool ‘Til the Action Gets Red Hot.

2)Alpha Mountain Wolf Backdoor Deod: What happens after you just got your backdoor fresh and cleansed in the john at the mall, only to find that you got a brewed-up stinky situaish set to destroy all the work you put into gettin’ your third pit so money? With Alpha Mountain Wolf Backdoor Deod, you can be confident in gruntin’ out a wet brown beef. After your BM release and a quality clean up sesh, just run your slim stick of Alpha Wolf Backdoor Deod through your rear entry, credit card style, to release a pile of antitoxins, soothing ointments, refreshing deod, and Mountain Wolf freshness that’ll leave your split ham loaf ready for a day of professional action. Alpha Mountain Wolf Backdoor Deod: Respect The Third Pit, You Guys.

3)Icy Trunk: Sure, crashin’ in your ride has its benefits in the Midwest winter: all the booze and cold ones you keep in your trunk are chilled to perfection. But what happens in those warm spring and summer months? Disaster. With the Icy Trunk system, it’s YOUR trunk and YOUR rules. Icy Trunk turns your ordinary auto trunk into a top-notch refrigeration system, keepin’ all your bevs at their chillest for smooth enjoyment whether on the go, or anytime, really. As one of today’s gentleman of biz, it’s important to be ready for peak performance when the head honchos hit you up for the $$$ ideas. With Icy Trunk, You’ll Be Loose and Conversational… Anytime.

4)Microbox: Can’t really eat Totino’s Pizza Rolls successfully without heatin’ ‘em up. Cars should just have the glove box be a microwave for snacks. I mean, only drug dealers and murderers use glove boxes, anyway, for stuff like guns and dope, so the crime rate would go down if every car had a ‘wave built in. Don’t wanna ‘wave your Glocks and ‘caine—probs not make ‘em work right anymore. Plus, on-the-go Pizza Rolls are a big-time saver, and if everybody across the USA could eat Pizza Rolls on the go, anytime, any place, man, productivity could go through the roof without folks havin’ to rush home to make ‘em all the time. It could be THE innovation that takes the USA to the next level of financial success. Microbox: Let’s Roll, Against Crime, You Guys.