Am I Just A Greedy Whore, or Am I A Polyamorist?

As we embark on this holiday weekend, I thought I would ponder over a question that came in from one of my readers, and provide any insights that I can share on the question at hand. Here is his question:

“I consider myself a polyamorist, however, how am I to know if I AM a polyamorist and not just a greedy, (dare I say it) typical male, who likes to get affection, attention and sex from multiple women?”

What an interesting question! And good for you for asking. 🙂

Please Note: I would like to quickly point out here that being a “greedy whore” and/or a “slut” (an ETHICAL slut in this conversation) who enjoys sex is totally cool, awesome and you go with your sexy self! The below is just trying to make a distinction between several things – that can also overlap in terms of loving sex – based on what I believe the questioner is trying to figure out for himself.

I would say what defines a polyamorist in part is the desire, inclination and proclivity to have multiple, loving relationships at the same time – all openly, honestly, ethically and with consent. This implies caring about the well-being and feelings of your partners, partly because you indeed LOVE them as human beings. Being a polyamorist also rests on the concept of abundance (versus scarcity) in the ability to have and share love.

For sake of discussion, let me tell you what comes to mind from a generalization point of view…

When I think of what you are implying about a “typical male” who likes affection, attention and sex from multiple women, my mind conjures up a man who is very self-serving, possibly a philanderer / womanizer. To use a phrase that we have all heard, he possibly “thinks with his dick” for his own gratification, perhaps with little regard for the women that he is seeking the attention from. He may be engaging in “risky” behavior in terms of using safe sex practices during his sexual exploits. And I am unclear if he is being up front and honest with all of these various partners about his affairs. Also, while he is getting this affection and attention, is he also giving back quality affection and attention to these women, or is he mostly taking from them?

Now to illustrate from a real life scenario:

Before my husband met and fell in love with me, and before he knew what the term “polyamory” was, he decided to conduct an experiment. Being a “Cheater In Recovery” who very much knew that he did in fact enjoy the attention, affection and sex from multiple women, he decided to come clean as he dated. For the first time in his life, he actively dated several people, being up front and honest with all of them that there were in fact, other women in his life that he cared for and was actively having sex with. He threw all of his cards on the table, even though it was scary to do so, and then let the women he was interested in decide if they wanted to continue potentially creating a relationship with him. I think he expected that many would tell him to “F*ck off” upon learning that he was a “Romeo” per se, and not solely interested in ONLY them exclusively. But much to his surprise, literally every woman made the choice to continue getting to know him both on a personal and romantic level. He was a bit shocked and pleasantly surprised! I think what is worth pointing out is that he truly cared for them, and grew to love some or all of them at various stages. And I also know that he was completely RELIEVED to be able to be so honest, live so authentically and true to himself. It was a happy epiphany!

So to summarize, I would say here is a quick guide to help assess whether one is in fact a polyamorist / ethical non-monogamist(versus acting non-ethically, more along the lines of “polyfuckery” or defining oneself as a “polyamorist” more as a “cover” or excuse for explaining away multiple sex partners to the naive).

Do you genuinely have real feelings for your multiple partners, in the form of love, affection, regard for their well-being and feelings?

Do you wish to explore and / or engage in a relationship with them? (versus a casual fling or just recreational sex with your partners. Note: sex is not a requirement for polyamory, by the way!)

Are you being honest, transparent and completely upfront with your partners about the fact that you have multiple partners, while also answering honestly any questions they might have (if you are comfortable answering them from a privacy perspective) about these other partners, giving the space for them to meet face to face if they both wish to do so? (meeting is absolutely not a requirement, but more an illustration of transparency in the willingness to have partners meet).

Are you practicing safe sex, as well as discussing openly any safe sex concerns with all of your partners, sharing information openly?

Are you treating your partners with respect, admiration and “giving back” to them just as they are giving to you? (versus just “taking” from them.) This includes practicing time management skills, as well as working on your communication skills whenever necessary to honor and protect the relationships, as long as you have them.

Are you acting with integrity (not lying, cheating or otherwise hiding pertinent and relevant information) with your partners? Another way to ask this question is would any of your partners be hurt, seriously ticked off or upset about anything that you are doing in your behavior that you are purposely hiding from them for your own benefit?

Are you willing to work on satisfying agreements, boundaries and negotiations with all of your partners and honor those agreements to the best of your ability? And are you willing to communicate openly as soon as you know that you are having an issue with any of these agreements?

If you can answer “yes” to the above questions to the best of your ability, than I would say that you are a practicing polyamorist. We are not perfect people. We will all make mistakes. But to identify and practice polyamory, it is more about self-identifying that way and doing your best to love multiple people well, act with integrity and honesty to the best of your ability, and also NOT lie, cheat or hide important information just because it is easier to do so to get what you want in the short term.

I would love to hear from my readers! What would you like to add here or is there anything that I might have forgotten? Any other insights to keep the conversation going? Have a wonderful weekend, everyone, and enjoy spreading love and awesomeness wherever you are in the world!

Well done! A slew of comments are coming in on Facebook with the exact same sentiment! I may have to add a few sentences in this post to address that.

May 21, 2015 at 12:02 pm

dandelion

The question I ask is: Am I growing through relating or am I stagnating? That is the question I ask about any relating- monog or poly. If I am not actively growing myself I am not being true to myself, and therefore, not true to others either.

Oddly, one could say that a guy could be both; I’ve been ethical in my non-monogamy and still been told that I’m a greedy bastard for being in a relationship with multiple women. So while polyamory has rules about being ethical, is it really all that unethical for a man – or even a woman – to want to get all the affection, sex, whatever, from as many people as possible but not want to “officially” be in a relationship with them?

It depends on how you care to look at it, doesn’t it? I think the “mistake” we make in this is assuming that everyone wants to be in a relationship and be monogamous (at first, anyway) but as we should know, not everyone can do the relationship thing under any conditions; being that “free agent” is really what works best for them.

So is it wrong for a guy or even a woman to be a greedy whore because they like all the attention, affection, and sex from multiple people? I really don’t think so and more so if the only difference between a “greedy whore” and a polyamorist is their ethical behavior/mindset. I think we forget the nature of what we are as humans, that we’re a social animal, that men have one role and women another and that at least at the individual level, “ethical” can take on very different meanings – eye of the beholder stuff and more so since, unlike monogamy, there are no hard-set rules… yet.

Is just giving into “the call of nature” considered to be unethical, that there has to be a purpose or reason for being that greedy whore other than doing it just because you can? It is really a matter of how you do it as opposed to what you’re doing?

While I do agree with your “quick guide,” I am the guy who’d point out something that should be obvious and, in a way, we try to avoid like the plague…

> I’ve been ethical in my non-monogamy and still been told that I’m a greedy bastard for being in a relationship with multiple women.<

Well, consider the source. I know people who think the latter of me, but in general, that's because they wish they could be where I am and are too afraid to take that first step: asking your existing partner.
(Full disclosure: I got off easy on that one. We're poly because my wife brought it up, not me.)

I 100% agree with you on this point. Some find my actions “greedy” such as saying “you already have a husband! Why have two?” I say, because I can, and I choose to. You can too! I have realized that some people are jealous of that fact. But we all make choices and arrangements. Anyone can do this, if they decide to and find partners that wish to engage in that relationship style (or can talk to their existing partners about the possibilities, as you suggested also).

June 4, 2015 at 11:37 am

Anonymous

That would be an interesting write up. How do you juggle two men/relationships? Did you have a commitment ceremony with your other partner since you think of him as a second husband?

Thanks for your comment. It is not always easy to juggle two men and relationships. Frankly, I have no idea how many polyamorous people juggle more than that! No, I have not had a commitment ceremony with my other partner – partly because so far, he has not wished to do so. But I would be open to it. Like anything else, both partners have to be ready and willing. 🙂

Hi kdaddy23. Thanks for your thoughts here, as always. I totally agree with you that one can be both while still being ethical. Who are we to judge who’s greedy and if that’s a bad thing? Loving sex and affection is positive and awesome, and there is nothing wrong with that! And yes, we don’t all have to want relationships. In polyamory (vs. swinging), relationships are implied and maybe most of the time desired. But it depends on the person and the situation. And yes, there are also the solo poly people that like to be considered more free agents, versus belonging to anyone. There are many blogs devoted to that type of thinking of poly-single-ish.

I’m also here to mention that there are PLENTY of women out there – yours truly included – who love all of the attention, affection and sex from multiple partners as one can get. I just choose to come at it as much as possible from a polyamorous point of view. Some may call me greedy, and that’s OK. Many think us poly / swinger folk like to “have our cake and eat it too.” That’s right! So what? 🙂 To each his own. Again, the difference / distinction here is really about honesty, openness, and acting responsibly with the intention of not hiding anything, and acting as ethically as possible. That’s really the main point. The rules are just what you and your partners decide on together. And they can change over time. “Unethical” only happens when agreements are broken, lies are told, cheating occurs, and feelings are hurt and relationships get damaged as a result. It all comes down to agreements, honesty (with oneself as well as others), and mutual respect.

May 21, 2015 at 7:37 pm

Will

It is refreshing to read your thoughts on this. Thank you.
A comment which is also a question I open up to the readers: I answer ‘yes’ to all in the quick guide. However, not everyone knows the actual identity of other women, nor the number, only that they know I am not monogamous. Is this still being honest enough to consider one’s self a polyamorist?
Also, thank you for that insight in to your situation. Interestingly, each time I meet someone and we are attracted, early in the proceedings I am open and honest and let them know I am not into a ‘normal’ relationship and not monogamous, giving them the opportunity to not be involved. Invariably they stay around and we have a wonderful time. This has surprised me no end.

Hi Will! You are most welcome. More than happy to write this post. As far as your question here about knowing the identity and number of other women… I have given this some thought. My answer would be that if the other women prefer not to know the identity or number of other women, then I find that to be on the ethical side of the fence. If however, the women prefer to know the identity and/or number of other women, and you are choosing to keep that information hidden from their view, then I find that to be more unethical. It’s a matter of preference for HOW MUCH the various partners wish to know – and it is also a matter of privacy. Do your partners feel comfortable with the amount of transparency you are offering? Also, if they are not, they can always choose not to date you. That is their prerogative.

You are most welcome! I love telling stories about my life, my loves, and how I got to where I am today. It’s fun, and I find it helps other people. I’m an open book, so no worries there. Good for you for being so honest with your new partners right off the bat! It sounds like you have had the same reaction as my husband. “Wow, these girls still want to date me? Yay!” 🙂

I (you know me well enough by now to have guessed this, I’m sure…) agree with all of these wholeheartedly save #3. My beliefs on that one have to do with the core philosophy behind the way I think of polyamory. Yeah, the sex is great, but the core of it is the emotional portion–the love and support. Which in my head elides into the idea of polyamory as extended family. Which, of course, leads to the idea of family cookouts. 😀

Seriously, though, it is meaningful for me for everyone to know everyone else, because we’re all one big support network, in essence. Last weekend my wife had some boundary issues with the woman who was (at the time) rapidly becoming my new girlfriend, and her immediate reaction was to turn to her boyfriend’s wife; the two have become best friends over the past few months.

That’s just kind of the way it works for us, either because that’s the kind of folks we attract (/are attracted to) or because people are just more inherently social than I give them credit for. (Being an introvert, I tend to think it’s the latter more often than not.)

Thanks very kindly for your thoughts on all of this, and “sharing with the class.” 🙂 You and I have similar thoughts on this, as I prefer to think of polyamory as a way of untraditional family making, in part because I don’t have any children myself. The love and support is of high value. And indeed, family cookouts are of high importance to me as well! Come over a for a BBQ! 🙂

I too prefer when everyone knows everyone else, as it also is a show of transparency and honesty, which I also value. I did have to learn the hard way that some prefer to not know each other (the metamours), and I need to respect that wish. Others get to decide how polyamory works for them, just as I do. And there is nothing wrong with that. It does tweak my sense of trust about that person, but to some extent, that is partly my issue to work on if they give me no other reason not to trust them.

Your polycule sounds wonderful, fun and very supportive and loving as you wish it to be. Good for you! My polycule is highly social by nature. Which leads to many cookouts. 🙂

As I’m reading these questions I found myself making sure I can honestly answer “yes” to each of them (or at least most of them) because it shows how where I/we are at in our relationships and how we are treating each person(s) we encounter. I think part of feeling like we are “poly-whores” or something like that is we’re unsure if we are being as honest and openly as possible. Even being in open relationships, non-monogamous, and (dare I say) swingers tend to feel this way too because people outside of this structure may feel or believe we are all just sleeping around and being deceitful towards everyone we encounter. That was before we became ethical sluts!
When we walk in a path where we value each person we counter and make a commitment to be honest about who we are and who we are involved with does change the game dramatically.

I talked to someone yesterday and (indirectly) mentioned to a woman I work with about an open relationship in regards to a failed relationship she was in. He was the one who cheated on her and never mentioned he was with another woman to her. I said “it’s one thing if he mentioned he wanted a more open and honest relationship with both her and other women, but he never gave you the choice”. She agreed. But what she said afterwards was thoughtful to me. “He never trusted me to make up my own mind as if I wanted a life like this or not. And I have a feeling he would never give the other women he’s involved with the chance either.”

If we can give the chance to the people we care about the chance to think open relationships through in an honest context it may come as a surprise to some just how many are willing to consider such an option.

I could not have said this better myself. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspectives here. I used to be deceitful towards my partners, but that was before I read the book and became an “Ethical Slut” myself! This is so much better then my previous life.

I loved this:
“When we walk in a path where we value each person we counter and make a commitment to be honest about who we are and who we are involved with does change the game dramatically.”
Well stated!

Thank you for sharing about your conversation with your co-worker who had been betrayed. I have found the word “choice” coming up alot in my discussions on polyamory. It is so true that by not having the tough conversation about the desire to potentially open up a relationship (choosing instead to cheat or lie), we are not giving our partner any choice in the matter. It is happening without their knowledge, whether they like it or not. What if they would have truly considered and been open to the idea of ethical non-monogamy? Perhaps consider giving your partner some credit. It’s a self-defeating and self-sabotaging way to live if you ask me (not giving your partners a choice). Some of the comments here reflect the surprise that you speak of regarding talking to your partner about ethical non-monogamy and their openness to it as a result.

You are so welcome! I am so happy that you enjoyed this article. You made my day! Yay! 🙂
xoxo
Kitty