.... "The first guy says, 'Well I''m an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn.' And the second guy says, 'Well I am a pimp so I drive a cheap Escort.' And the third guy says, 'I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."

sorry chuck, though everyone enjoys jokes at the expense of the French, the small payoff at the end does not justify the length of that joke. you have to go with something shorter and that requires less thought.

Guy walks into the bar, sits down and after a while bets the bartender $10 that he can bite his own eye. The bartendder accepts the bet, whereupon the guy takes a set of false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them on his left eye.

The bartender grumbles and hands over the $10. The guy says, "That really wasn't fair. I'll bet you $20 I can bite my other eye." The bartender thinks this is a sure bet and accepts. The guy then takes out his right eye, a glass eye, and bites it. Now the bartender is furious and slaps a $20 on the bar.

"Now I really feel bad," says the guy. "Tell you what. I'll give you a chance to win $50. I'll bet you that if you slide a shot glass down the bar past me, I can piss into it without a single drop going outside the glass."

The bartender thought and said, "Okay pal, you're on!"

He went to the end of the bar, slid the shot glass and the guy totally missed, leaving the bar dripping.

"Well, I guess you finally lost!" said the bartender in triumph.

"That depends on how you look at it," said the guy. "See that table full of guys over in the corner? I bet them $100 that I would piss all over you bar."

Two guys driving and their car breaks
So they got to a fruit farmer and say "Fruit farmer do you have a place for us to stay tonight"
The fruit farmer replies "Sure you can stay in the loft upstairs, but you had better not touch my daughter.

His daughter was a knock and a slut, so the two guys screwed the hell out of her
The next day the fruit farmer says since you disobeyed me i want each of you to go out in my fields and pick a hundred pieces of your favorite fruit.
Relieved, the two guys go to work, so the two guys set out to pick there fruit

The first guy comes back with a hundred cherries.
To his surprise he finds himself staring at a double-barrelled shotgun
And the fruit farmer says "Now shove them all up you ass"

Well the guy gets to 25 and he starts giggling,
He gets to 50 and he starts laughing,
Finally gets to a hundred and he is laughing so hard pees a small stream down the inside of his trousers
Not amused the fruit farmer yells "What the hell so goddamn funny?"
The guy replies "I'm just laughing at my buddy because he is picking watermelons"

A: 6. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to explain how they did it just as well as an Ivy Leaguer

Friend told me that and I thought it was pretty good. There was also a funny Michigan meme website going around and the disappointed Asian dad said "You get into B-school? Why you know get into A-school?"

anybody ever heard a "joke" that was actually funny as opposed to one that you were culturally obligated to laugh at? Like a real "I got a good one to tell you" joke and not a spur of the moment comment. I just don't think jokes are funny. Sure, like Eddie Murphy's are but the kind that some asshole just tells you because he needs attention. Those are never funny.

I am perfectly light. That's what she said gets me every time. It does not even have to really be applicable. But the "there were three guys in the desert, one of the....." kind of jokes just are not funny to me. I find myself making a kind of "haeya" noise at the end of placate the teller. I don't know, you know the punchline is coming, and it is just anticlimatical. Maybe all my friends just tell shitty jokes.

Three guys are driving in a car when suddenly, the driver swerves, hits a tree, and they all die.

The three of them go to Heaven and see God in a this huge room surrounded by billions of clocks. They ask God, "what are all these clocks for?" and God replies, "Everytime you jerk off, the clock moves forward a little".

Guy#1 looks around for his clock, finally finds it and sees it is at 1:30. "Not too bad", he thought

Guy#2 sees his at 7:30 and says, "yeah, I was single for a long time, whatever!".

Guy#3 can't find his so he asks God where his clock is. God replies, "Your clock is in my office, I use it as a fan".

I have 3 that come as a package. 1. Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can. 2. How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Suck his dick. 3. Two drunks are walking down a street and pass a dog licking his balls. First says, "I wish I could do that." Second says, "You could, but you'd have to pet him first." Thank you. I'll be here all week.

1. An old man walks into a pub in Scottland, his feet shuffling, his back bent. He drags himself onto a stool and orders a beer. Placing the full glass in front of him, the bartender inquires upon his sad face.
The man answers with a smoky and trembling voice and a Scottish accent:
"Ah, tell ya man! This pub, this very pub we're just sitting in. I built it, with me own hands! But do they call me the Pubmaker? Naa! See the wall over there, that protects our town? I built it, with me own hands! But do they call me the Wallmaker? And the bridge, you know, that crosses our river, I built it, with me own hands! But do they call me the Bridgemaker?........long melancholy pause.........But I tell ya, man! YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!"

2. There were these two guys having lunch one day when the first guy says to the second one, "Have you ever made a Freudian Slip during a mundane conversation?"

"What's a Freudian Slip?" asks the second one.

"Have you ever said one thing subconsciously to someone when you meant to say something else?"

"I'm still not clear." replies the second one.

"Well last week I was at the airport in Philly and I wanted to come back here to Pittsburgh and the women at the counter had these enormous breasts so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh."

"I now I know what you mean.", says the second guy. "Why just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife. Instead of asking 'Honey, please pass the sugar' I said, 'YOU FUCKING BITCH, YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!!'"

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and starts to play pool. Suddenly, the monkey picks up the cue ball and swallows it. The man apologizes to the bartender, gives him $20 for the cue ball, then leaves with his monkey.

A week later the man returns to the bar with the monkey. The monkey jumps up on the bar, grabs a pretzel from a snack bowl, sticks it up his ass, and then eats it.

is gently stroking the neck of her beer bottle with her hand.
I turn to her and ask, "hey hunny, what;s on your mind?"
She says, "My ex-boyfriend..."
Jealousy slaps me across the face so hard, so ashamely I ask, "Well do you ever think of me?!"
She moves her hand down to the base of the bottle, all while keeping the motion going and replies, "Yeah, sometimes."

It's a great prop-humor joke to bust out at the bar around your buddies.

Two Yoopers died and were sent to Hell for drinking cheap beer. The devil takes them to their room and leaves. He checks on them the next day and was dismayed to find them sitting back and relaxing. Perplexed, he says "I have souls screaming, crying, and gnashing their teeth because of the heat, yet you two are sitting here comfortable as can be in your snowsuits and swampers. What gives?"

The two Yoopers reply "Well, you know we come from da land of da ice and snow. Dis nice warm weather is such a nice change from da cold up dere in da UP!"

The devil loves a good challenge so he decides to turn the heat up and checks on them the next day. To his dismay again, the devil sees them in jeans and t-shirts, but happy never the less. He asks again, "What gives?"

The two Yoopers reply "We told you yesterday we come from da land of da ice and snow. Dis nice heat is someting we can get used to!"

Angry, the devil turns up the heat all the way. He hears the wailing, screaming and gnashing of the teeth all night. Excited to see the two Yoopers suffer, he opens the door and to his shock, he sees the Yoopers in their skivvies looking very content. Angry, he asks them why they aren't screaming, wailing, and gnashing their teeth.

They reply in an arrogant tone "Like we've been telling you, we come from da land of da ice and da snow! Dis warm spell yous guys are having is like going to da ocean down in dat Florida down dere!"

Then it dawns on the devil, if they want it hot, then he will turn off the heat completely! He hears the chattering of teeth instead and is convinced he has taken care of those Yoopers. He comes to their room the next morning and hears screaming and yelling. With a smug grin, he opens the door to find the two Yooper back in their snowsuits and swampers jumping up and down celebrating!

Confounded, he askes them "I turn up the heat all the way and you love it! I tune the heat off and you are celebrating! You must be two of the toughest souls I have encountered!"

The Yoopers look at him and reply "Nope, we are just so happy right now! Hell has frozen over! Dat means Da Lions have one Da Superbowl!"

One bright Boston day, a Harvard student, being industrious, was looking for the library. It being his first day he had no idea where to look, so he asked a professor, "Excuse me, could you please tell me where the library's at?"

The professor, very affronted, drew himself up and said haughtily, "Here at Hahvahd, one does NOT end a sentence with a preposition."

In a ditch? Phil. On the floor of the shower with a lisp? Dwane. On a grill? Frank. What is Frank's girlfriends name? Patti. In a Tiger cage? Claude. On a grassy knoll in the morning? Dewey. In a lake in Kentucky? Billy Bob. B.B.'s girlfriend? Lily. Sailing over the centerfield fence? Homer. On a colorwheel? Hugh. Under a car? Jack. On the Presidents desk? Vito.

A panda walks into a restaurant and sits down for a meal. After he finishes eating, he pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter dead, and starts to leave. Just as he's about to walk out the door, the manager says, "Wait, stop! Why did you shoot the waiter?!?!?"

The panda stops, looks back, and says, "I'm a panda. Look it up," then walks away.

Being a resourceful man, the manager pulls out his dictionary and finds the definition for a panda bear, which reads as follows: "Panda, n, eats shoots and leaves."

This one is a bit longer, but my Father loved it, and he's dead, and it was just Father's day, so I'm telling it:

One day a duck walks into a bar and hops up on a barstool. He asks the Bartender, "you got any grapes?" the Bartender says no, so the duck hops down and goes on his way. Next day, Duck walks back into the bar, hops up on the stool and again asks the bartender if they have any grapes. The Bartender says, "No we didnt have any grapes yesterday, and we dont have any grapes today This is a bar. We serve beer and liquor. We dont have any f-ing grapes". The duck hops down off the stool and leaves.

This goes on every day for a week until finally the Bartender loses his patience. On the 7th day, when the duck asks the bartender if he has any grapes, the bartender grabs the duck by the neck and carries him out to the parking lot. In the lot he shoves the duck's face into a telephone pole and says, "look, i told you we dont have any grapes. If you come in here and ask me for grapes one more f-ing time, I'm going to nail your f-ing bill to this f-ing pole. Get the hell out of here"

The duck leaves, but returns to the bar after a couple of days. He hops up on the stool and proceeds to ask the bartender, "You got any nails?" and the bartender says, "No" so the duck says " Well, in that case, you got any grapes?"

Two little boys are in the woods playing catch with a football. One kid says go deep. He tosses the ball out of the kids reach and it lands in bushes.

So the the kid goes in the bushes to get the football. 5 minutes go by and then 10. The kid gets worried and goes in after him. He finds his friend spying on a girl skinny dipping. They stare for a while then one kid runs away.

So the other kid caught up with him and asked him why he ran. He said my mom told me I would turn to stone if I saw a naked woman. I felt something getting hard so I ran!

A salesman walks up to a house, knocks on the door, and a boy answers. Opening the door, he has a robe on, is smoking a cigar, and has a Playboy in his hand. The salesman asks, "is your mom home?" and the boy responds, "What the fuck do you think?"

Tom, Dick, and Harry are walking through a town one day, and it's scorching hot. Like 100+ degrees, but they can't find any shade anywhere and they're parched. So eventually, they find their way into a Catholic parish and are about to quench their thirst with a drink from the holy water when the priest stops them and says "Ah ah ah, my sons. You must confess a sin before you can drink of the holy water."

So Tom, Dick, and Harry look at each other, then run out of the parish to commit a sin. After a while, they've all come back and are excited for a drink from the holy water. The priest looks at them and says, "Do you have something to confess?"

Tom steps forward first and excitedly says, "I robbed a bank! See? Here's a bag with all the money!"

"Ah, that is a very bad deed. You may drink of the holy water," says the priest.

Dick steps forward next and says with much enthusiasm, "I went and mugged and robbed an old lady! See? Here's her purse!"

"My son, you have sinned. You may drink of the holy water," responds the priest.

Then the priest turns to Harry, who is doing all he can to contain his laughter. "Harry," says the priest, "why are you laughing? What bad deed have you done, that you may drink of the holy water?"

With a burst of hysterical laughter, Harry exclaims, "I PEED IN THE HOLY WATER!"

3 little people are sitting at a table the first one says, "boy I think I might have the smallest hands in the world."

The second one says, "that's nothing i'm pretty sure I have the smallest feet in the world."

The third one says, "I might have the smallest penis in the world"

The next day a representative from the Guiness book of world records comes in and measures each person's claims. After getting the results the first one says, "I do have the smallest hands in the world!"

The second one says, "I can't believe ti, I do have the smallest feet in the world!"

The third one visibly upset says, " I can't believe it, I dont have the smallest penis in the world......WHO THE FUCK IS URBAN MEYER!"

It's the first day of 1st grad and the teacher has already heard what a trouble maker Little Johnny is. She says to the class "Today, we are going to learn about the word definitely. Can someone use the word definitely properly in a sentence?" Everyone raises their hands but little Johnny is in the back row going "oh oh oh pick me." The teacher, knowing that's the last person she wants to pick, picks Jessica.

Jessica goes, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher goes, okay class, now does anything disagree with that? A few kids raise their hands but Little Johnny is still in the back row going "oh oh oh pick me pick me." Again she doesn't want to do that so she picks Andrew in the front row and he says, "At night, the sky is black." The teacher says "You're right Andrew, that probably isn't the best use of definitely is it."

She asks again and of course Johnny is still trying to get picked but she picks Brian and he says " The grass is definitely green." The teacher asks if anyone disagrees and after being called on Lauren says, "during the winter, the grass turns yellow" and the teacher says, "You're right, that's probably not the best use of definitely is it."

She asks if anyone has any more and the whole class is scared to tell theirs now that the first 2 got proven wrong, except Little Johnny is still in the back row going "oh oh oh..."Reluctantly, the teacher says "Yes Johnny?" And Little Johnny says "Teacher can I ask you a question first?" and the teacher replies yes so he asks, "Are farts lumpy?"

The teacher instantly becomes furious and says "Johnny, that's disgusting I cannot believe you would ask that! But to answer your question, no farts are not lumpy!" So Johnny smiles and responds, "Then I definitely shit my pants!"

Guy finds a lamp, rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie says he will grant the man whatever he wishes but that his wife will get double the wish. The man agrees and tells the genie he wants a new car. The genie gives him a car and sends two to his wife. Next the man asks for a new house. The genie gives the man his new house and gives two to the man's wife. The genie tells the man he has one last wish remaining and that he should think a bit longer on his final wish. Without hesitation the man says he knows what he wants his last wish to be. The genie reminds him that whatever he gets his wife will get double. The man quickly responds, "I want you to beat me half to death."

One fine Saturday, the local rabbi, who loves playing golf in any minute of spare time he has, looks out the window and thinks, "what a beautiful day. If it weren't the Sabbath and a day of rest I'd spend all day out on the course." And the more he looks, the more he thinks what a shame it would be not to be outside. So he finally decides, "God gave us this beautiful fine day and he didn't mean for it to go to waste," and grabs his clubs and heads out.

One of the angels sees this and goes running to God and says, "God, look - one of your holy rabbis is breaking the Sabbath! See, there he is on the golf course." God takes a look and says, don't worry, I'll take care of him.

So the rabbi gets to the first tee and hits the most perfect drive of his life. In fact it's such a great shot it goes right in - a hole in one. The angel goes angrily back to God and says, "I thought you were going to fix him good, and you reward him with a hole in one? Why?" God smirks and says, "Who's he going to tell?"

Three salesman are driving down a country road close to dusk. Being so far from any town and not wanting to drive in pitch-darkness, they pull up to a farmhouse and ask the farmer for a place to spend the night. The farmer agrees, but says that he only has one spare room. However, the bed in that room is large enough that all three salesmen should fit on it. The salesmen thank the farmer and go up to the spare bed, where they get in and sleep the night.

In the morning, the three salesmen are getting ready to head back out to their car. The salesman who slept on the left side of the bed says, "I don't mean to be awkward, but I had the best, most vivid sex dream last night." The salesman who slept on the right says, "That's amazing, I also had a wild sex dream last night! It was unbelievable!" The salesman who slept in the middle says, "God dammit, you guys had these great sex dreams, and all I had was a lame dream about going skiing."

4 buddies are driving back home from a fishing trip when they crash the truck, and they all die. They come up to the gates to be judged by god. The first guy steps up and god asks him:

God: "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Guy 1: "Not once god. I'm totally clean. I love my wife"

God: "I know you didn't. Which is why I'm letting you into heaven with the gold cadillac"

Guy 2 steps up...

God: "ok, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Guy 2: "Well god, I'm sorry to admit that I did have a time of weakness, but it was just once. I never betrayed my wife from then on, and I love my wife."

God: "Yeah I know it was just the one time, and I believe you. So I'm going to let you in with a nice Camry."

Guy 3 steps up....

God: "Well....how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Guy 3: *sigh* "I'm so sorry god. I slipped up twice, and I regret both times."

God: "It's alright. I know about the two occassions, but I believe you as well. I'm going to let you in with a Civic."

Guy 4 steps up...

God: Alright you know the drill. How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

*long pause*

Guy 4: *sigh* "God I'm not going to bs you. I cheated on my wife several times. I made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I'm begging your forgiveness."

God: "I know son. I believe your sincerity. So I'm not going to leave you high and dry. I think I have an old Pinto way in the back of lot that still runs. You can take that."

Guy 4: "Thank you so much god."

About a year goes by, and the 4 buddies all bump into eachother at an intersection. Guy 1 is sitting behind the wheel just crying his eyes out. His 3 friends jump out of their cars and run over to him.

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:

Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.

"I'm here about your ad," he says.

"You must be mistaken," she says.

"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."

"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Three southern belles are sitting on the verandah and discover that they are all married to men named Marvin. They decide to nickname their Marvins after soda pop so that they can tell them apart.

The first southern belle says "I'm going to name my Marvin Mountain Dew, because he comes from the mountains and he likes to do, do, do it all the time."

So a nun gets on to a bus. She waits until all of the passengers leave and approaches the driver. She says,"Before I die I would really love to have sex." The driver looks at the nun. She is in her thirties and kind of cute. He says, "Sure, I can help you out."
The nun says," well a couple of things first. It has to be with an unmarried man, because adultry is a sin. And I have to have anal sex, to preserve my chastity."
The driver responds, " I am not married and I am good with anal."
So they go to the back of the bus and he throws it in her ass. Afterwards, he is all sullen. The nun says, "What is wrong my son."
"well sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three kids."
The nun replies,"That is OK my son. I have a confession to make too. My name is Bob and I am on the way to a costume party!"

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, swimming? - Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, water skiing? - Skip
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in a hole? - Phil
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor? - Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the wall? - Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in a pile of leaves? - Russell

These are from my brother. When talking to someone ask them where there from. They say Detroit for example. Then you say "Only two things come from Detroit. Whores and hockey players! Which team does your mom play for?" Or. "A girl once asked me to kiss her where it stinks. So I took her to Detroit." Both great at breaking the ice. Sorry it isn't better separated. For some reason nothing happens when I press the enter key.

A husband and wife are watching a tv show with a discussion of mixed emotions. After 15 minutes the husband says to the wife, this is bullsit. There's no such thing as mixed emotions. In fact I'll be you can't tel me one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time. His wife looks at him and says, " out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick".

So Paddy is at the bar with his drinking buddies and they decide to have a contest: who can make the best toast? Paddy raises his glass and says, "Here's to spendin' the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" Everyone decides that's the winner and Paddy goes home with a pocketful of money.

Of course his wife wants to know where he got all the money and he tells her that he won the contest about making a toast. But he doesn't want to tell her what he told them, so he tells her the toast was, "Here's to spendin' the rest of me life at church next to me wife!"

The next day she is talking with one of her friends, who is a wife of one of Paddy's friends, and the friend says with a little wink, "Hey, I heard Paddy won the big toast-making contest last night. My husband told me all about it." Paddy's wife says, yes, but I don't understand what got him all enthusiastic about that kind of toast all of a sudden. "I have to drag him by the ears just to get him there, and as soon as he's there he falls asleep for an hour!"

I heard this one last week from the person scooping my ice cream: why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.

I heard this one the second day after I moved to Texas: two guys from California were speeding across Texas on their way to Florida. They suddenly see the flashing lights in the rear view mirror and seeing it was a state trooper pull over. The trooper gets out, taps on the driver side window, as soon as the window was down he punches the driver in the mouth and the driver starts crying. He then calmly walks over to the passenger window and taps on it. The passenger slowly rolls down the window and WHAM, right in the jaw, the trooper punches him. He then walks back to the driver and hands him the speeding ticket. As the trooper is walking back to his car, the guys yell at him and ask what that was all about. The trooper turns and tells the driver, that was for when you would have protested your speed. The passenger says, what about me? Why did you punch me? The trooper says, that's for a mile down the road when you would have said, I wish he would have tried that shit with me.

I use this one around Christmas: a little girl gave her Daddy a long Christmas list one year. To try and teach her a lesson in being grateful he tells her to place her list next to the baby Jesus in their family nativity set and say a little prayer. The girl does it and goes up stairs. An hour later, she takes the list, tears it up. And makes a new list half as long. She places the new list next to the baby Jesus, says a prayer and goes up stairs. The Dad, watches proudly. An hour later, the little girl grabs the list, tears it up, and writes an even shorter list, leaves it with the baby Jesus, says a prayer and runs up stairs. The Dad, very proudly thinks he is a great parent. An hour later, the little girl tears up the old list, leaves a small slip of paper, grabs the Virgin Mary and hides her in the closet. Confused, the Dad goes to the Nativity to see what was on the small slip of paper. It said, Dear baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, you will give me everything I want.

Three men had a very late night drinking Molsen Canadians. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

"You think that was drunk?" said the second guy. "I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

I like to run off a litany of ARRRRRR jokes (ARrrgyle, ARRrrbitration, ARRRRdvark) and then hit them with "What armed service did the pirate join?" Arrrrr-- no you idiot he's a pirate he'd join the Navy!

My brother does an Irish accent really well, and tells all these jokes where the protagonist is a drunken Irishman named Murphy. My favorite:

Murphy comes home one day, changes and is about to head out to the pub when he sees his wife is crying. "What's wrong?"

"You forgot didn't you! You were supposed to pick up the snails and we were going to have escargot like the night we met."

Murphy's like "Oh, I was just going out for the snails right now!"

So he makes it down to the grocery mart and gets a bag of snails, and is on his way home but passes the pub, and there in the door is his friend Paddy who's like "Murphy, you have to come in!" And Murphy explains about the anniversary and the dinner and Paddy's like "oh just one pint"

Now you must understand "just one pint" is the downfall of Irish society. So...nine pints later Murphy is stumbling back home and he's got the bag of snails, and as soon as he gets to his front door the bag rips open and the snails spill all over the ground. And as he's looking at this disaster the door opens and there's his wife with tears of anger on her face. And he looks down at the snails, and looks up at his wife, and looks down at the snails again and is like, "C'mon boys, we're almost home!"

Three guys from Detroit die and go to hell. Since the Devil hates Detroit he decides he wants to make sure these guys are getting especially punished. So he checks on their room and they're all sitting around with cocktails and grilling hot dogs in the hellfires, and he's like "What the here?" And the Detroiters are like "We're from Detroit, land of snow and ice, so when we get a nice day we have to enjoy it!"

So he turns the heat way up, gives them some time to burn, and checks in on them again. And this time the Detroiters have somehow managed to tie a bunch of boats together on top of the lava flows and are drinking Labatts and having a grand old time. Devil is all WTF and the Detroit guys are like "sure it's a little hot but we're from Detroit, land of snow and ice; we gotta enjoy the warmth while it lasts, you know?"

So the Devil gets an idea, and turns the temperature WAY down low. Like we have to be talking Kelvin here. And he lets them freeze for a good long while then goes to check on them and...and the Detroiters are throwing a HUGE party. THey're running around on the ice and slapping each other five and hootin' and hollerin' and the Devil is just fed up and he's like "What the hell guys?" and theyr'e like "Well Hell froze over! Obviously the Lions just won the Superbowl!"

So a man enters a bar with his dog, and the bartender is like "you can't bring your dog in here!"

But the man is like "Please? I mean it's just to watch the Lions game; he's a huge fan."

"The dog's a big Lions fan?"

"Huge. I swear."

So he lets him in and the game starts and a bit later the Lions score a field goal and the dog starts jumpin up and down and barking and is just really excited.

And a bit later the Lions score a touchdown. And the dog jumps around the bar, gives high-fives to all the patrons, watches the replay, then chases his tail in circles a bit and runs around yipping. And the bartender turns to the man and is like "Wow you weren't kidding; that dog is a HUGE Lions fan. What does he do when they win?"

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct.

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct.

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.

If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey. I love you!"

She responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. "He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."

Cornhusker, Buckeye, and Wolverine are walking down a beach one day when they find a magical lamp. When they rub it a genie comes out and says that he will grant them each one wish.

The cornhusker says that his family has been farming for generations and he wishes for fertile soil in Nebraska for ever. Poof! He goes off to Nebraska to farm the fertile soil.

The Buckeye says that he is so proud of Ohio and being a Buckeye that he doesn't want anyone or anything to get in and ruin it. So he wishes for a wall to be built around the entire state. Poof! A wall appears and he goes off to be in Ohio.

Finally, it's the Wolverine's turn. The genie asks the Wolverine what his wish will be. The Wolverine says he wants to know more about the wall. The genie says that it is 100 feet tall, 6 feet thick and NOTHING gets in or out. The Wolverine then says, "Fill it up with water"!

A Buckeye, a Spartan, and a Wolverine are all standing at their respective urinals; the Buckeye finishes first and proudly states, "At Ohio State, they teach us that cleanliness is next to godliness," and makes a big show of thoroughly washing his hands.

The Spartan finishes next and says, "At Michigan State, they teach us the importance of conservation," using as little water as possible and only one paper towel to dry his hands.

The Wolverine flushes his urinal and breezes out the door, saying, "At Michigan, they taught us to not piss on our hands."

One of the posts in the Requested Stories thread made me remember this joke. A TA is proctoring a final exam in a lecture hall and reminds the students that the professor has a hard and fast rule about all exams being finished on time; any exam not turned in by the end of the exam period would be given a grade of zero. As time is winding down, the TA reminds the students of this rule. The TA gives a two minute warning, and there are still a half dozen or so students, furiously trying to finish the exam. Finally, he announces "times up," and everyone except one kid turns in their exams. The TA gives a final warning, but the kid just keeps right on working. The TA says, "that's it. I'm sorry, but you have just earned a zero on the exam." The kid keeps working and a few seconds later, stands up, walks to the front of the room, exam in hand, looks at the stack of exams on the desk, and says to the TA: "Do you know who I am?!" The TA, with a look of disdain, says "No." The student says "good," shoves his exam in the middle of the stack, and walks out the door.

So three men are totally lost in a deep dark jungle. Suddenly they are set upon by a group of natives. They are taken captive, tied up, and brought to their village where the men kneel before the largest tent. The natives go silent and the chief emerges:

"We are the....UNGA BUNGA. You have trespassed on sacred lands and defiled them. Our gods demand PUNISHMENT. YOU must choose: either you shall receive death, or you shall receive...UNGA BUNGA!

[cheers from the other villagers: UNGA BUNGA! UNGA BUNGA UNGA BUNGA!]

The first man is like "well I don't want to die; I'll take Unga Bunga." The crowd cheers and they take him away and in a minute the other two men can hear screaming and wails from their compatriot. Finally the screaming stops, and they see their friend, looking like he's been through hell, limping away into the forest. The villagers and their chief return and they look at the remaining two men.

"Choose!"

"Well," the second guy says, "I don't want to die either. I'll take the Unga Bunga."

Cheers! UNGA BUNGA! UNGA BUNGA UNGA BUNGA!!!

This time the screams are even worse, peals of horror shaking the forest. As the villagers watching him are distracted the third man shuffles over and peers around the tents to see what is happening, and there the second man is getting raped by the villagers in every orifice. Finally it ends and the second man is released and the chief returns to the third man.

"Choose!"

And the third guy is like "There's no way I can live with myself after that. I choose death."

The chief and villagers are astonished. They look at each other perplexed, and then the chief waves his arms. "Death? Nobody choose death before. Are you sure?"