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Nice Haircut! (Day 45)

The other day while I was parking my car, I suddenly saw
"X" with a new haircut. I thought "well, it is cool to cut your
hair after holidays or after you haven't been working for a while, because that
shows that you take good care of your presentation".

I also thought "he looks a little bit weird/funny, his head and face
look like if X was a different person", but I suppressed myself when the
desire of making fun of X activated within my mind as a pre-programmed
reaction.

Then, during the day "Y" made a joke based on "X"'s
haircut; "Nice hair cut!", but only the ones that were next to
"Y" laughed. I remembered a character from the movie The Fifth
Element and within my mind they looked so similar that I immediately looked for
a picture on the internet and I showed it to "Y" while I asked "does
he look similar to someone in here?" and "Y" immediately knew
what I was referring to and laughed and said "you're evil, I don't know
why I'm your friend" (kidding).

I would now like to explore some points that opened up with regards to
my personality as a joker.

Due to my dad's job, my family and I had to constantly move from one
city to another. I was always the "new student" that had to make new
friends.

I had really cool friends when I was a kid, therefore when I had to move
I missed them a lot.

I remember that I was/am good at observing people and as I missed my old
friends so much I saw them in the faces of the people I was just meeting. I thought,
"oh, she looks like Gloria, he looks like Esteban", "people are
the same, but in different places".

This is probably why I developed this "ability" to find people
that look identical before everybody notices it.

So, I can relate that personality as a pattern that still exists within
and as my mind. In the past it was made in order to feel familiar/comfortable in
a new place and from I was a teenager to now it has been based on making fun.

A few minutes ago I was thinking "But it's part of myself being
funny, why should I change it? I have always been like that". I am not
saying that being funny and/or making jokes is bad/evil. The point here is who
I am in relation to jokes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the
thought "well, it is cool to cut your hair after holidays or after
you haven't been working for a while, because that shows that you take good
care of your presentation" to exist within and as myself, because I see,
realize and understand that I have defined that if you do not cut your hair
before getting back to work after holidays you are not a "good boy" that
takes care of himself without realizing that I am placing judgments on other
people based on my beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw all
the bullshit out when "Y" said "Nice hair cut!" and
immediately reacting with the desire of continuing with the joke and making it
"better"/bigger, funnier, because in doing so - after my joke was
accepted/approved with a laugh - I thought "I am creative".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and
believe that being creative is comparing two beings and making fun of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw my
"attacks" out while I noticed someone else did the same that I was thinking, because in doing
so, I am not alone, we are more and it's not only me facing possible consequences
(X getting to know what I thought/said and end up in an argument in which I
know I am "guilty").

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing
problems/arguments/situations/challenges alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see,
realize and understand that me as a "joker" is just a pre-programmed
character based on opinion, therefore it is not self-expression in
self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going
to the hairdresser and end up with a funny/odd hair cut that it wasn't what I
wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that
"X" ended up with a (bad) hair cut that he didn't expected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that
"X" noticed me - while saying "hi" - looking at him weird so that
"X" could perceive that I was thinking something towards him/her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that
others may read my mind/thoughts through my physical expression/gestures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling
exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to
run away when something goes unexpected, because I fear facing the situation on
my own.

When and as I see myself activating my joker persona, I stop and breath
in order to make sure I am not existing in a behavioral loop that I created
when I was a kid due to the emotional attachment towards my old friends.
Therefore, if I react with that programming, which means that, I am not being
self-expression now and here, I am just accepting and allowing myself to
participate in a past personality/character that has nothing to do with who I really am now;
the physical in time and space as every moment of breath, not my memories.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when a joke comes to my mind, so I
can ask myself "on what am I basing this joke? Is it an old pattern or is it self-expression?

I commit myself to stop expecting others to do what I want to do first
to move myself because I fear doing it on my own.

I commit myself to stop fearing feeling/being exposed, because if I fear
this point, it's because there is something that I am hiding from myself,
because I see, realize and understand that I am suppressing instead of
releasing. I am actually resisting to change that point without stopping my participation
in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself perceiving something on other beings and
reacting with thoughts/backchats, I stop and breathe. I realize that what I
perceive from others are mind programs/personalities/behaviors/characters that exist within/as myself and that
other beings are a mirror that shows me the points that I have to deconstruct
through self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to deconstruct through self-forgiveness what it is
reflected back to me while observing other beings.