I'm pleased to report we marched all seventeen (17) children onto the subway this past weekend for a visit, and it was great. If you too are the parent of small human children in this city I should not have to tell you the importance of indoor activities located close to subway stations (especially in winter), and as such I would strongly recommend that you add this wonderful institution to your inventory of weekend activities. (You can read more on my other blog, Parenting Snob NYC.)

Who says bike blogging doesn't pay?

Indeed, later in the day I was still brimming with good cheer, and so I headed back out for an afternoon ride. I didn't feel like trudging through the snow again, and you never know what road conditions are going to be like outside of the city after a snowstorm, so instead of riding north I headed down to Central Park for a leisurely spin. The streets were perfectly passable, but of course the shoulders and bike lanes were clear in some places and a mess in others:

I was in no particular hurry, nor was I particularly eager to slip and fall in a puddle of slush, so I rode slowly and savored the brief respite from the twin tumults of weather and parenthood. Heading south on St. Nicholas, I turned left onto W. 120th Street, from whence I intended to make a right onto Adam Clayton Powell, which would then deposit me right into the park:

Anyway, there I was heading east on 120th. Traffic ahead of me was moving slowly due to a double-parked vehicle (shocker!) and the cars were shifted over to the left. As I mentioned, I was in no particular hurry, and the road shoulders were variably messy. It's also a short block owing to the fact that St. Nicholas cuts across it diagonally, so I made no attempt to pass anybody and instead took my place in the traffic queue in anticipation of making the right.

Meanwhile, the driver behind me starts honking. I can't see any reason he'd be honking at me, since there are cars up ahead of me and I'm certainly not holding him up in any way. So I figure he's just one of these assholes who honks whenever traffic's not moving as quickly as he'd like, which a lot of idiots do when driving in the city.

I'm still blissed out from the familial activities earlier in the day, and I'm also still really happy to be out on my bike on a Saturday afternoon, and so I choose to ignore this minor blemish on an otherwise lovely day.

Unfortunately, as I make the right onto Adam Clayton Powell, the honking driver pulls up to me and starts berating me for not riding in the bike lane. He's very insistent. I have to ride in the bike lane.

So let's look at W. 120th Street between St. Nicholas and Adam Clayton Powell:

There is indeed a bike lane on the left side of it. However:

1) I'm preparing to make a right;
2) The road shoulders are slushy;
3) Traffic is shifted over to the left due to a double-parked car, just like in the streetview, so you wouldn't know there's a bike lane anyway:

In fact the streetview scenario is pretty much the same scenario as when I was there, with the addition of the slush, and so I was positioned accordingly, directly following the vehicles ahead of me:

And once again, I'm moving at the same speed of the rest of the traffic, so you can't even say I'm holding anybody up.

Given all of this I have no obligation to be in the bike lane. First of all, there's snow in it. Sure, it's not an Obama 2009 amount of snow:

More like a Trump 2017 smattering:

So it's patchy and intermittent, but it's there.

And even if there had been no snow and instead puffs of pink clouds in the bike lane spelling out "Ride me!," I'm preparing for a turn at an intersection, so given all of these factors there's no reason for me to be in the bike lane according to state law:

Whenever a usable path or lane for bicycles has been provided, bicycle riders shall use such path or lane only except under any of the following situations: (i) When preparing for a turn at an intersection or into a private road or driveway. (ii) When reasonably necessary to avoid conditions (including but not limited to, fixed or moving objects, motor vehicles, bicycles, pedestrians, pushcarts, animals, surface hazards) that make it unsafe to continue within such bicycle path or lane.

The New York City Department of Transportation puts it even more succinctly:

On top of all that, you can use either side of a 40-foot wide one-way roadway, and I think Manhattan cross streets are 60 feet wide. (Though I might be wrong there.)

In short, there's absolutely no fucking reason, legal or practical, for me to be in that goddamn bike lane.

Yet here's some asshole in a 2010 Hyundai Santa Fe with New Jersey plates (the special ones with the lighthouse on them he probably paid extra for) not only honking at me but also telling me off for not riding in it. Furthermore, this dimwitted shitbag has the audacity to tell me that I need to learn how to ride a bike, and that he rides everywhere, all the time. From the driver's seat of a fucking Hyundai he says this.

Holy motherfucking shit.

I actually took video of the ensuing interaction and was looking forward to posting it today, but having cooled down over the past couple of days I've decided it would do a disservice to my valuable brand to appear on the Internet looking any way other than utterly composed. So I've shelved it.

Righteous indignity, however warranted, is never a good look.

Nevertheless, I remain stunned by this fuckwit's audacity. I'm Wildcat Rock Machine, dammit! I make it my business to know where I can and can't be when I'm on my bike. And this guy's gonna drive his Hyundai shitbox into my town and start fucking with me on a Saturday afternoon? What goes through his head as he drives? "Here's a guy on a bike. He isn't holding me up or anything, but he's not in a bike lane! I, on the other hand, ride my beach cruiser on the boardwalk in Jersey sometimes. So I think I'll rub my dick and balls all over his face."

I am of course an inveterate "woosie" who would never embroil himself in a physical altercation, but if this guy usually behaves this way I can't believe he doesn't get u-locks put through his windshield on a regular basis.

Here's a related question: this is not the first time I've told a person with New Jersey plates to "Go back to Jersey," nor is it the first time they've replied with "I don't live in Jersey." Why is this? Surely there must be people who actually live in Jersey. Are they all committing insurance fraud, or are they just embarrassed? Or is it some combination of the two?

In any case, when you use a Citi Bike you have to agree to terms of use, and I think the same thing should apply when you drive a car into Manhattan. Oh, sure, in theory there are laws you're supposed to follow, but we all know how that goes. So I think in order to operate a motor vehicle in Manhattan every driver should agree to the following:

TERMS OF USE FOR DRIVING IN MANHATTAN

I hereby acknowledge the following;1) I am choosing to drive a large heavy motorized box into the most densely populated county in the United States;2) This choice endangers people's lives;3) This county has an extensive public transit network and is well-served by taxis, livery, ride-hailing apps, as well as a comprehensive bike share program;4) While I may get lucky, neither deity nor US Constitution entitles me to immunity from traffic delays, nor does it guarantee me the right to store my large heavy motorized box anywhere for free;5) Bike lanes do not cause traffic congestion. My large heavy motorized box, however, does;6) I understand that people actually live in Manhattan as well as the rest of New York City. It is not a theme park or a sitcom. Therefore, any expectation that my car is the "It's a Small World" ride or that my windshield is a TV screen across which life will unfold according to my own whims or expectations is pathologically unreasonable;a. Should I forget the above and elect to communicate my displeasure to any other road user by means of car horn or verbal haranguing, I acknowledge that I or my personal property may be subject to physical damage;b. In the event of such damage, I shall not hold the other party responsible, nor shall I be entitled to any claims of loss, damage, or legal liability for anything that happens to me as a result of my being a complete douchebag;7) If I don't like any of the above, I can feel free to shove a Bruce Springsteen box set up my ass.

I think this would go a long way towards obviating a lot of potential misunderstandings.

Anyway, apart from my exchange with Captain Fucknuts in the Hyundai, the rest of the ride was lovely.

82 comments:

211. In the late Middle Ages there were four main civilizations that were about equally “advanced”: Europe, the Islamic world, India, and the Far East (China, Japan, Korea). Three of those civilizations remained more or less stable, and only Europe became dynamic. No one knows why Europe became dynamic at that time; historians have their theories but these are only speculation. At any rate, it is clear that rapid development toward a technological form of society occurs only under special conditions. So there is no reason to assume that a long-lasting technological regression cannot be brought about.

There's a rumor going around that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was sidelined from a Trump Administration job because there were questions about whether he was in fact a legal New Jersey resident. (Nothing to do with Christie throwing the father of Trump's son-in-law into prison!)

Grump - you are correct. Recent events prove that that percentage is at least 45%. And they don't just take up space; they crap up the space disproportionately with their accoutrement. Add that to their "god-damned stupidity and country-club attitude" (phrase uttered long ago by a fed-up teacher)and you can find yourself feeling crowded out.

Snob... when you finally figure out the BEST way to deal with fuckwits on NYC roads, please write a report?

...Everytime I get into a spat with someone, especially when they endanger my life with their motorized shitboxes, it takes me days to come out of the anger/indignity/regret (the regret is after cooling down and realizing that a spat with another indignant human is useless, even if they're at fault, and they endangered your life). It takes me that long because I can't think of a solution... and I've tried almost every method.

...I'm still reeling from a confrontation with an SUV driver last week who jumped in front of me into the bike lane so she could park her SUV next to a fire hydrant. My daughter was behind me and I slammed on the brakes so quickly that she smashed into my back. I went around and told the driver, "do you realize you almost hit us?" I was not angry or indignant at this point as I realized she probably didn't look and therefore didn't see us. What set me off was her reaction... she just dismissed us with a wave of her arm like we were a mere inconvenience to her hurried life. To make a long story short, I let her have a piece of my mind... and started seething so much that, had it not been for my daughter behind me, I would have taken the U-lock to her car.

...After cooling down, I regretted my behavior as I had to explain to my daughter that I can't allow anyone to endanger her life and then act as if her life doesn't matter. Also to never let anyone step on her. But I think she got scared seeing me boiling over... especially because the driver acted all calm and proper.

...Is the only way out of this not ride a bicycle? ...not to complain or point out mistakes to people? ...never to argue?

When some jerk in a car yells at me for absolutely any reason while riding my bike I do my best to turn slowly towards them, acknowledge them with a very slight smile and then turn my head back to watching the road and completely ignore them. This obviously makes them more mad, which is satisfying for me.

I had a nearly identical encounter on Saturday (citibike, snow in bikelane, double parkers, right turn, guy blaring horn). I could have explained all of your excellent points to the driver, but it was easier to just give him the finger.

You describe it very well. Unfortunately the "best" way I've come up with to deal with them is to ignore them, if only because you don't deal with that protracted period of regret that comes with confrontations, just that initial anger that subsides after a few blocks. Plus no matter how wrong they are it's impossible to communicate to people how fucking stupid they are.

I've gotten better at ignoring people, but not nearly good enough that when someone confronts me directly I can resist replying.

I love it when people tell me that they ride too right after they have tried to kill me with their fucking shitbox car, as though that makes it all better. If I am nearly apoplectic and using a lot of swear words, it is because they just threatened my life and I don't appreciate it when stupid people threaten me with a deadly weapon (car, gun, whatever). And I don't really care if they pull their dusty Huffy out of the garage once or twice a year, I just want them to stop jerking off and watch where the fuck they are going.

what the nj mvc (from one of the mvc official guides) has to say about that

In lanes 13 feet wide or less, most vehicles, especially wide ones, will have to move left to comfortably pass. In these situations, if a bicyclist rides too close to the edge of the lane, they may "invite" motor vehicles to pass without moving left, and in so doing the bicyclist may end up being squeezed off the road, into parked cars or drainage grates or other roadside or road edge hazards. Therefore, the best approach is to position yourself several feet out into the lane where motorists will see you and not be invited to squeeze by in the same lane.

of course i get the ride on the sidewalk from time to time. and the assholes typically claim the law requires that i ride on a sidewalk. again what the dot peeps say -

Don’t Ride on Sidewalks

Sidewalks are for pedestrians. Although riding a bicycle on a sidewalk is not prohibited by statute, some municipalities have passed ordinances prohibiting bicycle traffic on certain sidewalks. This prohibition is usually posted. Riding on sidewalks can cause conflicts with pedestrians and, because it places bicyclists in situations where motorists do not expect them, it can lead to crashes. Except for very young cyclists under parental supervision (and not crossing intersections) sidewalks are not for bicycling.

And part of me is glad to know you, who wrote about the ineffectiveness of flaming out at asshole drivers in one of those books also succumbs to the fight part of the fight o flight instinct (with the unavoidable regrets). I try to prepare myself to not do so before every ride - my batting average is below the Mendoza line - shit just instinctively spews out before I Can stop it. I prefer the smug afterglow on those few occasions when I take the high road...

Hey Ted, many would argue that the Islamic world was far more advanced than Europe. However, when the Mongols layed waste to Baghdad it set the Islamic world back to the point that they still haven't recovered.

A simple "Fuck off" accompanied by a finger salute (if safe and practical under the circumstances) is about all I'll offer an offensive driver. The only exception is if they aggressively tried to kill me, in which case I'll pound on the nearest window and try to get a little more creative with the swearing. With age, I've become more willing to ignore and move on, though. Hilariously, all of the biggest assholes "ride, too!"I hope Snobbie's traditional Central Park glue-huffing settled his nerves after that incident.

Wildcat, what were the snow conditions that you rode the husky bike in? Wet and heavy, icy, etc? How did the bike handle? Simplest question, maybe: was it enjoyable enough of a venture that you're excited by the idea of doing it again? Anything you are thinking that you'd like to have different?

My favorite response to the obviously malicious blaring of the car horn is to sit up and give a big exaggerated "HI MOM!!" kind of wave and idiotic smile (all the while saying "even jesus thinks you're an asshole, Asshole").

It often de-fuses the situation, or at least pisses them off, while keeping me amused for a minute...

Honking like that is actually illegal. Too bad the cops are useless for this sort of thing. In theory, it's their raison d'etre. In practice, they're just as likely to be clueless idiots from Jersey too.

Then I cut a hole in the ice, fished for my dinner, spent the night under a bivouac, and undertook the roughly three-mile return trip the next morning. In all, the entire ride was a little over six miles, and I was gone for a mere fourteen (14) days.

What a pussy, you didn't even get snow-blindness, lose 3 fingers or toes to frostbite. If you don't a spend least 6 hours inside the carcass of a dead animal to warm up, it's not snow biking. And you think you people can just move up here because of a pushy oompa loompa.

Road Rage is not just for motorists. I too, would describe myself as a 'wuss', but such incidents flip the switch of middle age male aggression. Glad that you, and I, have managed to avoid jail time (so far).

Remember, the reason New Yorkers are derepressed, is because the light at the end of the tunnel...is New Jersey!

For the vast majority of motor vehicle operators in the United States of America (calling them drivers would be misleading), the sight of a bicycle in front of them causes the Pavlovian response of honking the horn and attempting to pass the cyclist. It simply can't be helped. Whether you are both stuck in the same traffic, are both approaching the same red light, or the motor vehicle operator needs to make a right turn in the exact spot the cyclist will be when the pass is initiated by the operator. The idiot behind the wheel is compelled to honk the horn angrily and attempt to pass the cyclist.

Don't get me started with pickup trucks and SUV's pulling trailers. If said pickup truck is being operated by immigrant landscapers, they won't pull back in to the lane so quickly that the trailer will take you out. If said SUV is pulling a boat or camper and is being operated by a person of privilege, their boat or camper will hit you for sure!

Those NJ license plates with the lighthouse do cost extra. The tagline on them is Shore to Please, as in Shore to Please get the fuck out of my way!

A thing I learned in yoga, which I've found applies to bikes, is that everyone has a natural strength. Some people have a sweet natural cadence, some people are great climbers. I have always had a more or less relaxed sangfroid in traffic. But honking can really make me lose it. It's actually the best way to get me to freak out. I think of the number of times I have been nearly doored or nearly doored and I've been calmer than when honked at. But the two crazy stories I will share have nothing to do with honking.

1) West 55th street. Two Jersey shore type guys lingering in the bike lane with the open doors blocking the bike lane. I gave a bell at about 15-20 feet and one of them said "fuck you." I had to stop an wait while they finished and then slowly got in the car. They said something else to me. I can't remember what it was and I can't say what broke in my head, but I popped that kickstand down and started pulling on the door (which they locked when I hopped off of my bike). I kept pulling. The car service guy was like "ma'am, they're sorry. They kept it up with the trash talk and I was like, just get out of the car!!! Finally my rage subsided and at the next red light a lady with jersey plates was like "good for you honey, fuck those guys."

2) I didn't lose it in this one. This was way, way back my first year as a cyclist. I was a real safety nanny and took a lot of pride in my assiduous hand signalling. Anyway, this guy rolls up next to me to tell be that sticking an arm in a direction doesn't give me the right to change lanes. Which still blows my mind. I mean, this is very "what if c-a-t spells dog," but what does give you the right to change lanes, whether signaling with your hands or lights. I know you're obligated to use the signal before, and that you can't change lanes unless it's safe BUT WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT? I still think about it, especially on 5th Ave (that's where my mind was blown).

My first memory of a car "operator" feeling the inevitable need to talk to me as I rode my bike was actually sort of funny. I was probably in 6th or 7th grade and some joker pulled up and said "Hey kid - your back wheel is going forwards" - took me a second to get it. Stuck with me for decades ...

This is like a Dagwood sandwich of a blog post. There are so many good things crammed between the beginning and the end that it is difficult to focus upon a single flavor.

I had a similar encounter with a fukwit in a Toyota Rav 4. I was on my way to work on my trusty Gunnar Crosshairs, less than a block from my home (which I owned and paid hefty taxes upon) when she rolled up next to me and said "I will fucking kill you if you get in my way." Then she stops at the first traffic light, and I invited her to stay out of my city with her shitbox bearing MD plates. A chocolate cupcake with pink frosting was then heaved at me, striking me in the chest and leaving a smudge of pink frosting on my jacket. That was the funny part. What she said next wasn't funny... and I won't repeat it. I just let her go on her way. That was ages ago, and even my mother in law still brings it up at times.

Whatever you do, don't read the latest P. Adeney/MMM blog post. It is completely *on point* with respect to the d-bag Hyundai driver from NJ, harassing WCRM in NYC. Small fucking world.

Chazu - I have always considered Senor Dinero Bigote to be a bit of a Jackass, but that latest BLOG post is pretty interesting. I often think about how we (especially in the western US - where I happen to live in a house that the bank owns until I am done paying them back for it) are prisoners of our lifestyle because everybody thinks that they need a detached house, a green lawn, and a two-car garage. Our lives would be much better in a lot of ways if we lived in dense cities with lots of supper accessible public transportation and if the space that is currently consumed by urban sprawl was given over to farm land and open space for recreation.

While reading the story about the honking driver that followed you after the turn to honk again, I thought to myself "oh, Snob dropped something and the nice person behind him is trying to signal him". I feel like I'm ready for NYC!

I can't reach my u-lock easily when riding, and I think smashing a window or a rear mirror is quite dangerous. But my keys are always easy to grab…

I'm late to the party, but just thought I'd share my last incident of pedestrian rage. It happened after a particularly evil week of cycle commuting, so I might have had a hair trigger, but after being close-to-mowed down on a pedestrian crossing (her bumper actually touched my knees, without quite knocking me to the floor) I got an earful from inside the offending hyundai... apparently despite being in the middle of a UK zebra crossing, this was apparently my fault. Anyway, something flipped and I found myself first berating the driver from close to her window, and then reaching and grabbing the keys from the ignition, throwing them down a railway siding next to the road, and walking off without another word. Despite shaking with excess adrenaline for about an hour I'm still quite proud of myself.

Today's post was great! So frequent are my run-ins with dangerous drivers that I'm considering keeping a video camera recording while I walk with my young children here in BK (sad,sad,sad). Had words with an SUV operator today who aggressively accelerated through a steady red light as I was pushing a stroller in the crosswalk with the white walking man giving me the right of way. Be safe out there, treat others with respect and enjoy your ride!

A driver once gave me the "Hey, I ride too!" line after nearly running me over. Too late I realized I should have said "Then why don't you drive like it." Instead I just fumed for an hour. But next time...

Well,well,well,a motorist has taken exception to the existence of a cyclist or pedestrian. What a rare events, similar to an encounter with a yeti, unicorn, loch Ness monster or Easter Bunny. I think I will write about it, as it is an absolute rarity.

I used to get all cross about stupid car behavior, but since I took to abusing them very loudly, using language that would make a wharfie blush, I find that I ride away happily, leaving them all angry and frustrated and hopefully, less likely to be a dick in future, for fear of getting another serve.

Your mileage might vary, as I believe you say in the snowy parts, but it works for me.

Ms. Babble, The Donald Inc. will invade Vancouver next week with the opening of The Grand Trump Hotel and Tower (man with small you know what must always have the word TOWER associated with himself in order to live vicariously through large object). No word if the Donald himself will turn up to hawk "Make Canada Great Again" hats that are made in China.

Thanks for the history lesson and as usual history proves you are correct. All the intellectuals on here agree with you but of course the rude Trump supporters will hurl meaningless personal insults because they don't have the mental capacity to debate your valid points or even comprehend them.

Yoga: tight lycraCycling: tight lycraYoga: classes on hard floorsCycling: spin classes on hard bikesYoga: dress hours before and after class and walk around with conspicuous bright colored mat.Cycling:dress hours before and after rides and shuffle around with bright crabon bike.Yoga: hot women,gay menCycling: hot women,gay menYoga: na·ma·steCycling: you ride on, na·ma·ste and get another frappaccino

WRT Herr Chancellor Drumpf: John Oliver's inaugural season 4 show featured his relation to the truth (ie, strangers) and mentioned that he even lies about how big his towers are... (he says 68 floors, when it's actually 58). Figures.

Should you try riding on the road in the Netherlands you would have similar experiences. Admittedly your turns off the cycle paths there are generally catered for by the traffic engineers, but you may find you're in for a wait at junctions for the privilege.The Dutch accommodation to urban motorized madness was conceived in the 70s, an era where the world was still rushing pellmell for total car dependence. "Better infrastructure" is helpful in some places, but a) rarely is "better"; and b) a general distraction from the real problem of aggressive motoring.The road is the road because that's the best line on the way to somewhere: don't get kicked off it. Doesn't the second amendment allow you to shoot out the tires of motorists who behave in a threatening manner? There must surely be some advantages to being a cyclist in America, though that's the only one I can think of offhand.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!