'The Scoop' Column: A Thanksgiving guide

Now that Lehigh has beaten
Lafayette for the fifth year in a row, we can finally look forward to
Thanksgiving. For many, this may be the first time you've been home since
August. I am here to help you adjust during this major transition. Be aware that you could experience some
culture shock; you may not be used to waking up in a clean room that doesn't
smell like stale beer and gym socks. There will be a small group of people that
call themselves your family. Try your best to remember their names. They'll
like that.

On Thursday — after watching
closely for bad lip-syncing in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade — you will
likely be taken to a second location. Here, many more people (who also claim to
be family) will gather. These people will probably be grandparents, aunts,
uncles and cousins. You will encounter many different personalities that you
should prepare for. Take notes.

The
talker. The talker comes in many
shapes and forms. Sometimes you won't be able to recognize a talker until it is
already too late. If two people have been talking for more than 10 minutes,
look for symptoms of the victim being talked to death. These warning signs
include excessive nodding, eyes glazed over, not being able to get a word in
edgewise, ears falling off, forced laughter and a sigh of relief when you enter
a 2-foot radius of the conversation. This means you're next. The only way to
politely evade a death-by-talking is to give the talker someone else to talk
to.

The
squeezer. This is a touchy-feely person who will be very happy to see you. The
squeezer gives long hugs that may result in suffocation caused by the force of
the squeeze or the strength of the person's perfume. Squeezers may attempt to
keep you close by putting an arm around your waist or holding your hand. Patting
this person on the hand may disable them long enough to get away, unless you
have missed the warmth of human embrace and would rather stay put.

The
politician. This person stays dormant for much of the evening. Politicians
aren't interested in small talk until you bring up the election, the economy or
current events. Once engaged, the politician will debate or argue until all
opposition has given up reasoning with them. Then they return to dormancy.

The
football fan. For reasons I don't understand, there is always a football
game on Thanksgiving. The football fan is the one who will be heard shouting or
growling at the television throughout the evening. They're pretty calm
otherwise.

All of these people will ask you
the same questions about school, if you like it, if it's cold there, what your
major is, what you want to do with it, how your grades are, how old you are now,
if you're dating and why not. You will have to repeat yourself a lot, sometimes
to the same person. You should also be ready to announce what you're thankful
for, in case that is one of the family traditions you've forgotten.

The reason you're all there is to mingle,
catch up with each other and eat to your heart's content. By now, you've become
accustomed to Rathbone, Cort and Ramen noodles. You may be overwhelmed by the flavor
and richness of a home-cooked meal, but I'm sure you'll adjust quickly. Hors
d'oeuvres, cider, turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, gravy, biscuits,
casseroles, vegetables, pumpkin pie, apple crisp and things that smell like
cinnamon — all plentiful and delicious.

Unfortunately, there are foods that
people bring that might not be appetizing to you. For instance, cranberry jelly
sounds nice, but it's not so appealing when you see a burgundy cylinder jiggle
on its plate. People bring all kinds of gelatinous, congealed substances that
keep the form of the container it lived in. They could be enjoyable, but I will
never know.

Eventually you will find the right
gravy-to-mashed-potato ratio, sit next to someone who tells funny and/or
embarrassing stories about your family, drink some cider, eat some pie and
realize you are warm, comfortable and home.
You're surrounded by people that love you, or kind of like you, and you feel safe
and full. That's a pretty good sensation. As soon as you remember what home
feels like, and you're used to it, you are plucked from that warm comfort and
sent back here to take finals.