Menu

There are narcissists among us. We love them, go to dinner with them, and tolerate them. They are our bosses, subordinates, and neighbors. I’ll give you three examples and then guidance on how to recognize people so taken with themselves they have little affection left for you.

First, though, the top-line description of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as found in the DSM-5:*

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts … .

Or, as I like to picture it, someone who stands so close to the mirror (the better to admire himself) he can see nothing else of importance in the world.

TWENTY-YEAR-OLD GWENDESIRED not only an easy life, but a delightful one, requiring little effort and guaranteeing an avoidance of unpleasantness. She wanted the center of attention, being unconcerned with the wants and needs of others, including her family. This young lady envisioned a world created especially for her, like a custom-designed outfit, where her stunning beauty and innate wit won every eye and red carpets forever laid at her feet. Work, accomplishment, and service sounded distasteful.

Gwen overestimated her gifts as an untrained singer and suffered a narcissistic injury when an accomplished musician deemed her talent modest. She enjoyed the thrill and diversion of risk and reward, never considering that one person’s gain is often another’s loss. The beauty didn’t dismiss the misfortune of her fellow-men so much as fail to notice it. The world of Gwendolyn consisted of a circular room full of mirrors, each one reflecting her image alone. If your approach made her environment less pleasant or more complicated, she dismissed you by smiling you away. Dazed and alone, you wondered what just happened. No surprise that the young woman had never been in love, except with her dazzling self.

CALL OUR SECOND EXAMPLE, MC. Here was a man who, to use a Barry Switzer quote, “was born on third base and thought he hit a triple.” He had the right parents and a fat wallet because of them. MC owned an impressive physical bearing and cold command. The esteemed gentleman reluctantly offered the social niceties, but calmly scouted the passing human parade for those advantageous to him. Without such potential, your presence wasn’t required or tolerated. The job of a fellow-creature was that of a chess pawn on the board of his existence, to be moved about as needed; just an instrument or an object, nothing more. The man had no friends.

Actually, MC was rather a bore. He didn’t read, didn’t study, simply arranged the world to his liking. MC enjoyed yachting, for example, because it permitted total control, escape from the world of obligation, and avoidance of bothersome humanity.

If you studied this man’s handsome face, you noticed eyes of unusual length and narrowness. Later you might recognize the reptilian quality.

Unlike members of his class, MC didn’t subscribe to the idea of “noblesse oblige.” He believed in no requirement to serve others, only to be served. Once in his vicinity, you either bent your knee instinctively or he bent you to his will. He’d charm you just long enough to grip your shoulder and push down.

MY FINAL EXAMPLE WAS A WOMAN of high middle-age. She rebelled against her father’s wish for her to become a conventional wife and mother in a dutiful, subservient role. Instead, this lady broke free and imposed her own vision on others. I’ll call her Countess. Talented and ambitious, C took the world of musical theater by force and rose to continent-wide acclaim. When she became pregnant she decided she could not love the child: he would be an obstacle to her career. Countess gave him up.

This proud woman knew many men and was loved by even more, but chose those who submitted to her domination, allowing her to set the path of their lives without complaint. Though the Countess recognized the imposing self-love at her core, no motive to be otherwise existed for her. In sculpting her life to exactly the shape desired, this magnificent presence consisted of the hard, dark marble of her own chiseled perfection. Had you seen her in a museum you might look atop her pedestal, but not touch. She owned a dictionary lacking the word apology.

How do these people match up with the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder? In addition to the sentence quoted above, you must meet five of the nine following diagnostic characteristics:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

Believes that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

Requires excessive admiration.

Has a sense of entitlement (i.e. unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).

Is interpersonally exploitive (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).

Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

In general, narcissists seek therapy only when they have suffered an affront to their overblown sense of self-esteem. Responsibility-taking is not their forte. Treatment gives them a place to vent and provides bolstering support. Once reinflated to their out-sized vision of themselves, they most often itch to end counseling. The therapist merely is expected to find sufficient wind to inflate the balloon back to normal.

I don’t advise taking on a narcissistic business partner or mate in the hope of remaking him into a person who is reciprocal: to create something close to a 50/50 relationship. On the other hand, the woman in the first example was one who did begin to recognize her self-involvement after a major trauma. She and the others are, in fact, not real people, but characters in George Eliot’s towering novel Daniel Deronda.

Eliot was a master psychologist long before the profession and its diagnostic categories existed. Read her (yes, her) for knowing sympathy with and optimism about the human condition, as well as beauty of language. The antique notion of a woman’s inability to write well caused her to take the pen name by which we know her.

Apparently, the famous football coach, Barry Switzer, deserves the credit for the quote, Joan. That said, there is also the suggestion on the net that the quote was out there even before him. I’ve changed the reference from Harkin to Switzer, so thanks for prompting me.

Hmmmmm, easy to note that #45 displays all 9 characteristics; thankfully we don’t love, go to dinner with or love him. Last day of our holiday, at hotel near Heathrow now, flight home tomorrow morning. Incredible trip – Rome with 4 of our kids, London to visit son in law Tommy’s family, then family wedding in countryside, all good! Hugs S and S

What about people who spend large amounts of time thinking about themselves and their problems because no matter how hard they try, their efforts at everything seem to bring little else but criticism and rejection from others?

Interesting question, Joseph. They might be depressed or avoidant; certainly low in self-esteem, but not typically entitled or demanding. If they are in enough pain, they might well come to a therapist, who would be more likely to help them make major changes than a narcissist.

The nine diagnostic characteristics of a narcissist read like the list of qualities required for successful corporate CEOs who must make tough decisions that impact the lives of the populations that they serve.

The criteria describes my sister to a tee, and my family and I have suffered from her dominance, control, having to constantly be the center of attention, and wrath. My therapist has shown me how to stand up to her and I have been successful for the first time in my life! We rarely talk and it is because she no longer can exhibit control over my life, and thanks to therapy, I no longer see myself as inferior to her. My therapist was the one who brought to my attention what he thinks could possibly be her diagnosis, and for the first time I now see the truth, which has set me free.

Is there such a thing as healthy narcissism? Sometimes I think I am a narcissist when I try to use self-affirmations to alleviate my low self-esteem. It does not always work, but when it does, I keep going and try to remain positive. I used to be able to twin with others and balance give-and-take in relationships. Being alone and the csnter of attention in therapy for years makes me feel narcissistic. I have much to do to fall on my sword and fix myself, if that is the case. When I come across a person who appears narcissistic or controlling, I often find myseld in the submissive position of the relationship before I run for cover. I feel like I do some of the things on that list, like with thinking that good grades meant a successful career. I was wrong, and I burned bridges in my attempts at thinking I had it in me when I could not see that I was falling and failing. I talk over others sometimes, and most of my comments here are about me. I am afraid to reply to others or to say something inappropriate though. I do not know blog or email etiquette, and I forgot how to give and take in relationships since I have been alone for the past 10 years. For narcissists, are any of them ever successfully treated? Can their implicit self-esteem issues ever be acknowledged enough so that their narcissistic injuries could be dealt with appropriately and with humility, humbleness, and empathy? Their explicit self-esteem always seems intact, but underneath, they fail to see their brokenness and flaws. Could they not learn that brokenness and humility are strengths to be proud of, or would they just take that to extremes? I knew a person who seemed like a narcissist whenever he told people he quit drinking, began volunteering fornthe community, and attended church. He broadcasted that every few months in his sobriety, until some narcissistic injury happened right before he relapsed. When he relapsed, he would blame everyone and try to tell us what we should do or how much he had done for us. He lost many friends, including me. I felt sorry for him for years until his gaslighting got to me. I wonder if addiction correlates with narcissism.

Your reply reminded me of this: A philosophy professor of religion once told all of us that unconditional love does not mean that you become a doormat. You must love yourself as you love others, and allow others to love you as they love themselves – or something along those lines. If others are important to love, so are we, ourselves; we are all included in that unconditional positive regard, or love, in all its purity. Healthy narcissism, like healthy altruism, includes ourselves in the mix of humans deserving love, praise, and purpose. You are absolutely right, and you say it way more clear and succinct than me.

Welcome!

In addition to psychology, you'll also find me musing on baseball, classical music, love, friendship, how we live, and how best to live. I'll tell a few stories and draw a few conclusions.
I hope that some tales will touch you and others help you to look at yourself and the world anew. Thanks for reading (and thinking) along with me! Your comments are most welcome.

Email Subscription

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.