(968) The power of a simple heartbeat – Part 2 of 4

Post #968[Private journal entry written on Friday, October 5, 2012 about a conversation with my therapist – continued from previous post]

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Edward: Tell me more about that sense of fragility . . .

Me: (With a wry laugh) Well, I started my therapy session without you . . .

Edward: (With a gentle laugh) Oh, really . . . ??

Me: Yeah . . . it started about three- or four-o’clock this morning . . . and I even had trouble holding it together while waiting for you downstairs . . . I’m afraid I’m a bit of a mess . . .

(As I struggled to control the arrival of new tears, I told him about my efforts to build my tolerance of the heavy feelings and about this morning’s flood of body memories. At some point in my monologue, I noticed that Edward was sitting on the front edge of his chair, leaning forward towards me. I was comforted by him being just that little bit closer to me.)

Photo by Martin Chen

Me: I don’t really know where this is coming from . . . I don’t know if it has to do with the sexual abuse or from my dad . . . I can’t pull up any specific memories associated with the feelings in my body.

Edward: It sounds to me that you are stuck in a loop . . . that you haven’t been able to move through the memory to bring it to completion. Is that a possibility?

Me: Yeah, that does sound accurate.

Edward: Would you like to see if we can move you through the memory so you can experience a sense of completion – at least to some extent – around it?

Me: Yes, I would.

Edward: I’d like to start by asking you some questions about what you are experiencing – would that be okay?

Me: Sure . . .

Edward: Can you tell me . . . are there any words that go with those feelings?

(When I thought about using words to express what I was feeling, I was hit with a sense of paralysis. I froze up. It’s all I could do to shake my head and whisper, “No”)

Edward: Okay . . . let’s try something . . .

Where in your body are you feeling the terror?

Me: I feel it in my chest and neck . . . like in my lungs and throat . . .

Edward: Can you put your hand where you feel it . . . ?? (Demonstrating with his own body)

(I nodded my head and placed my hand around my neck, almost like I was choking, but a little bit lower.)

Edward: Is it in your throat?

Me: No, it is lower . . . like around my collarbone.

Edward: Okay . . . if you feel comfortable doing so, I’d like for you to close your eyes . . . and keep your hand on that spot . . . would that be okay?

Can you tell me more about the body memories . . . can you describe them to me?

Me: I’m feeling waves of terror . . . I get a burst of adrenaline, my heart starts racing . . . I feel like I can’t get enough air . . .

Edward: With your breathing . . . does it feel like your choking or that your airway is closed off?

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I closed my eyes and tried to listen to my body . . . to gather the information I needed in order to answer his question . . . but, I couldn’t find the answer. I felt anger rise up. I buried my face in my hand as a couple of sobs escaped.

I heard Edward moving around in his chair – I didn’t open my eyes, but it sounded like he was leaning forward in his chair, as he had been before. I was glad. I needed him close.

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Me: (After a few moments) I’m feeling anger towards you . . . I don’t have a good reason to feel that, but that’s what I’m feeling . . .

Edward: Tell me more about that . . . what are you wanting to say to me? It is okay if the words don’t fit the situation . . . they don’t have to.

Me: I want to tell you that I don’t have the answers . . . I want you to stop pushing me to have all the answers . . .

Edward: Okay . . . but you don’t have to . . . we can stop at any time.

Me: Thank you . . . I do know that . . .

So, to answer your question . . . I don’t feel like I’m choking . . . I can get air in and out . . . it’s more like the air is thick . . . I can’t get enough oxygen . . . I can get enough air but the air doesn’t have enough oxygen so I have breath heavily in order to get enough oxygen.

(After some more reflection) Um . . . do you know what it feels like when you’ve been under a blanket for a while . . . the carbon dioxide builds up and the oxygen starts running low . . . how you have to take in more air in order to get enough oxygen . . . ??

Edward: Sure . . .

Me: That’s what it feels like . . . like there’s not enough oxygen in the air.

Edward: Okay . . . I understand.

Can you tell me about the position of your body? Are you lying down, are you sitting up or standing up?

I’m trying to be as quiet as possible . . . I’m trying to hear what’s happening in the main part of the house . . . so maybe they will forget about me and nothing bad will happen . . . I’m trying to determine my dad’s mood . . . if I hear him ask where I’m at, then I know it’s going to be bad.

I have to be quiet . . . I have to not make any noise when I breath . . . even though my heart is racing and I’m breathing heavily . . . that’s why I can get enough oxygen . . . it’s because I can’t allow myself to make noise when I breath so I can’t breath as deeply as I need to . . . that’s what the suffocating feeling is about . . .

Edward: How awful to not be able to allow yourself to breath . . . to not even allow yourself to meet such a basic life-sustaining need . . . ouch!

About the post dates

For each post, there is a significant lag in time between the date the journal entry was written (shown in the heading of the post) and the date the post was published to the blog.

The time lag allows me the opportunity to alter names and other identifying data for privacy purposes, check for grammar and spelling errors, break longer passages into smaller parts, and add the tags, categories, photos, quotes and url links.

It also provides a buffer against the natural “ebb and flow” in the volume of therapeutic writing I produce. After all, I do have a life outside of therapy, LOL.

In fact, there will likely be times when I don't publish anything for weeks . . . that would be because I am preoccupied with events currently occurring in my life. Of course, participating fully in my current life takes precedence over documenting my history.

However, it is my intention to continue documenting my journey even though I may run significantly behind in publishing those journal entries to my blog. I'll publish entries when I can!

On a side note, I write a lot about other people. Please know that I almost always change names, and I often change other characteristics such as gender and age in order to protect the privacy of those people.

Thank you so much for stopping by to check out my blog!

- Marie---------

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