One man's journey to understand The Bachelor.

Week 8 – HOMETOWNS!

Sometimes in this journey there are episodes that are super enjoyable and also answer most every question I have. They’re tough to write about because I feel like most of my feelings are worked out in real time. Last night was one of those episodes. I’m going into this with very little to comment on. Will anything pop into my mind? Let’s see.

What’s rattling around in my brain?

Arie is following Bachelorette Rachel in his admission that above all else he wants a wife out of this. The right person feels like a nice-to-have. That makes it hard to respect the guy, even if he can Tokyo-drift a racecar around a dirt track.

With the Bachelor and Bachelorette, we get 2 hometown episodes every year and it’s 2 reminders that pretty people don’t always come from hot parents. I don’t understand the genetics, mainly because I was a Communications major in college, but also because the math doesn’t add up. Two 10’s can make a 10. I get that. But how to two 2’s make a 10? I think every hometown parent should be required to present their wedding photos to help us get to the bottom of things. And it shouldn’t need to be said but I’ll do it anyway, none of that really matters. It’s just fascinating. We’re fed 7 weeks of fantasy and then thrown into a normal town and a modest 3 bed 2 bath rambler and it’s jarring.

Tia’s brother said he hasn’t always been there to look after her but he is now. Is that code for, “I was in prison but I’m cool now and looking forward to a new lease on life.” His earrings suggest he was thrown into the pokey in about 1995 and just didn’t change with the times since.

The previews for this episode looked like Arie was going to be thrown into a chipper shredder of protective parents. But everybody turned out to be pretty easy on our man. They all trust their daughters which makes sense because all of their daughters seem to be pretty great.

And that’s the weird thing in all this. After a wild ride, Arie is left with some legit options. The biggest boobie trap would be Laruen’s boringness. How many brunches would you have to go to before saying, “shoot, my wife hasn’t said anything in months and here we are eating another avocado toast in silence while surrounded by a bunch of happy, interesting people having laughs and talking about life. I wonder what dead animals Kendall found on her hike today.”

Speaking of bland, Lauren comes from a family with all the spice of Quaker Oats.

Our hallway paint color is called Distant Grey. It’s basically white. I even saw them make it at Home Depot. It’s a can of white paint with one tiny drop of black. I can’t emphasize how small the drop of black is. They might as well just say Distant Grey is what they call their cans of white paint that sit adjacent to the black paint on the display shelves. Why am I telling you all this? Because the only thing whiter than our hallway is Laruen’s family. Lauren’s family makes the movie It’s Complicated feel like Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail.

Her dad asked Arie about golf. They moved from the formal living room to the formal dining room. Lauren and her mom laid down on a bed with a headboard made of reclaimed wood. The levels of whiteness just compounded throughout the night. I know sceintists think we all came from Africa but maybe, just maybe, Laruen’s family came from a single-celled organism that spawned in sulfer water which is now England. That organism later grew tiny legs and crawled onto shore and immediately subscribed to Land’s End.

Kendell’s sister Kylie is all about intuition, but not in the chilled out way you’d appreciate in a hippy-ish sister in law. She’s like the Joan Calamezo of spirituality with her Gotcha method of reading energy.

Kylie comes at you like a friend but when you aren’t looking she’s questioning everything you’re about. It would be hard to try and recap your fantasy football draft to Kylie. I feel like you’d invite her to a Thanksgiving feast and she’d show up in black to protest America’s stealing land from the indigenous peoples. I would constantly recommend terrible CBS sitcoms to Kylie even though I knew she didn’t own a TV, just for the fun of it.

And I think that’s it. That’s all I got. Let’s take a deeper look at each woman and see if there’s anything else to learn before heading into the last two weeks. And remember the key. Ladies who have just been booted are in blue because they’re sad.Ladies who left a while ago are in red because they angry, yo.

Ouch. Annaliese leaves the mansion giving us two of the most memorable weeks in the show’s history. Hats off for at least trying, but hats gently off. I think Annaliese could be traumatized by aggressive hat-taking-off.

I hope bowling in Florida was worth quitting your job. I also hope you have a wonderful life and find love. Thanks for all the memory.

All four of the women going into hometowns had something to offer. Some kind charm. Becca’s version is perfect for TV. She’d be the Ms. AnyTownUSA. She knows where an apple orchard is. She’d probably bring good post-game snacks to a youth soccer game. She’s stable and witty and looks nice in a ponytail. Tia’s gonna get a lot of applause at the Women Tell All but I think Becca would make the best bachelorette. If not that, she should marry Peter from Rachel’s season. The only issue is that they’d be two 10’s and end up having ugly children because life makes no sense.

She was plucky. She was witty. Some people loved her. Some were tired of her shtick. All of us are glad she’s home safe after landing on the side of a milk carton as a missing person. You’ve got a lot of life to live, Bekah. Good luck.

Ask any former lady wrestler and they’ll tell you, Bibiana’s mom can’t spell. Poor girl was made for the first two weeks of a reality dating show but not for anything more. She leaves us, broken. Watch for her to talk way too much at the Women Tell All.

It was obvious. She had no screen time. We weren’t even sure we had the right Brittany. But she was pretty wonderful when signing off, telling us that she’s hopeful for the future and doing it through tears. One of the better walkouts in the show’s history. Hat’s off, Brittany. Oh, the places you’ll go.

I’m a little shocked. She seemed charming. The other sane women liked her a lot. Did Arie see her as a sister? Was it just not there? Caroline was a voice for the people. Usually the narrator cast member has no shot at winning but Caroline was different. This show just keeps us guessing. I think we’ll see more of Caroline. Maybe, in Paradise.

Chelsea leaves the week after showing us how great she is. She’ll be right as rain after this thing. I’m thinking the town widower who coaches youth soccer and has the body of a guy who coaches youth soccer, is already pursing Chelsea. Maybe they’ll meet at a quaint dinner and their kids will all get along. Chelsea’s gonna be fine. She just wasn’t cooky enough for our boy Arie. Chelsea is a serious person. Serious about youth soccer coaches I hope.

Jacqueline is smart enough to know she shouldn’t be with Arie. That’s just part of being a Jacqueline. She also can’t keep her hands off his body and her lips off his face. That’s also part of being a Jacqueline. Let’s just agree that they should retire the name Jacqueline like sports teams do with jerseys. How is anybody going to out Jacqueline this Jacqueline? It will never happen. So she pries herself off of Arie long enough to walk out the door and into a waiting van. You were too good for us, Jacqueline. We will miss you dearly and look forward to whatever it is you’ll do with that PHD.

Jenna goes out with a lovely experience at Moulin Rouge. I’m glad she was happy. But it was time for her to leave. At one point during Jacqueline’s date, she says, “Arie I just didn’t know what to think because I’m the last to get a one-on-one.” Jacqueline forgot about Jenna and as we just went over, Jacqueline is smart. Everyone in the house knew Jenna didn’t have a chance. But it’s a big world and Jenna is a big ball of energy. She’ll be fine.

A message to Arie. Kendall is “quirky”, not “quarky”. Only Quark can be “quarky”.

She’s also super sweet and while you look at her unwillingness to jump into a marriage when she isn’t ready as a weakness, I’m thinking it makes her more real and healthy. Kendall is lovely, but she probably belongs with someone a little more spiritual, a searcher. Someone who knows how to make hummus and mescaline pants. Are there mescaline pants? I don’t know and that probably means I shouldn’t be with Kendall.

A Top 5 worst all-timer. We’ve had women who say mean things. We’ve had women who say normal things in stupid voices. Krystal was the perfect storm of the stupidest toasts and the meanest cuts, mixed with a voice that makes people want to turn the channel and wash their TVs with a hose and a bucket of dawn. She was good TV but rode right on the edge, like a really powerful cheese. This tastes good but it’s like one factor away from basically eating garbage. Usually I say nice things about the women who get voted off but I really think Krystal needs to do some work. In her current state she’s harmful to others and herself. At least that’s one man’s opinion from hundreds of miles and a really bad edit away. I can’t wait to hear what she’ll say at the women tell all, and how she’ll sound saying it.

They spend the day together riding horses on a beach, kissing in a lighthouse, and eating crab and LAUREN DOESN’T SPEAK!!!!! Later, the awkward silences at her house are just the best. Arie I beg of you, don’t marry a girl because she looks cute on a horse. Let this be the blog that saves your life. I’ll even come to the wedding and we can laugh about our mutual salt and pepper hair.

You know things aren’t going well for you when a Bachelor actually eats the food. But Lauren gives us both the meltdown and the realization that she’s melting down. It’s actually refreshing to see a woman with enough self-awareness to know that she’s going down in flames. I could see Lauren S coming back for Bachelors in Paradise or just living nicely in the real world, far away from wine country.

Your grandpa died and you left. Then you flew to florida, used a telescope poorly, and got dumped, all in the same week. Gosh, that is harsh. I hope the rest of your life is smooth sailing. You’ve earned it, Maquel. I’m sorry Arie did this to you and I’m sorry for thinking your name was Marquel this whole time. I won’t be surprised to see you in Paradise trying to pull Jared away from Ashly I someday soon.

Are we really surprised? Marikh wasn’t crazy, she just wasn’t dynamic enough to shine. That’s the toughest part about surviving in the Hunger Games of Love. You can’t fake a panic attack, but you can’t be boring. If only there was a middle ground between the two. Good luck in life, Marikh. Good luck in love.

Like Jacqueline, Seinne was bound to leave the show before the end. You can’t go to Yale and date a guy like Arie. The world just isn’t ready for that yet. Maybe after we figure out racism we can tackle Ivy leaguers marrying simpletons. Start working on your protest signs now. That march is going to be fun!

It’s really sad that Tia had to go. She’s awesome and she handled the break up with about as much grace as possible. If Becca is winning the town pageant and towing cute kids in a wagon through a pumpkin patch, Tia is at the town bar laughing loudly and making every single man fall in love with her. She’s sassy and sweet and smart and grounded. Tia wins this year’s, “I wish she’d move to a bigger city so she had a larger pool of dudes to meet” award. I’ve never been to Little Rock but if Tia’s dating bad guys, I blame Arkansas. And it doesn’t even need to be a bigger city. Tia, move to Waco and marry that single guy from that episode of Fixer Upper. You two could rule that town. You’re America’s Sweetheart and we’re all rooting for you.

Next week we get the Women Tell All AND another episode. Get ready to listen to Krystal talk about being a victim. Until then, foreverlove each other.