"Welcome to Washington, DC, everyone, and welcome to the 2019 grand opening of the Despicables Museum, part of the Smithsonian Institution, the world's largest museum, education, and research complex. We believe it's important to remind ourselves how evil and despicable some human beings throughout history have been. Here in the museum, we show you the worst of the worst. These are the individuals who have most stained the reputation of the human race. We'll show you why we should always remember these individuals with disdain and utter contempt.

"This museum is a national treasure. It has been built at a cost of 352 million tax-payer dollars, and is worth every penny. We have worked so hard for so many years and are so proud to be able to open our doors today. And we're proud you're here to celebrate this grand opening with us. It's an important day in history. It's an important day in revealing the truth about the most despicable people the world has ever known. Welcome!

"This section where we're standing right now is the Grand Hall, and as you see, it's decorated with black paper bunting and nothing else. It's fitting decoration for a museum that focuses on the most disgusting human beings in the history of mankind.

"Now, if you'll follow along behind me, I'll show you the first exhibit room.

"Here we are. It's the Ronald Reagan Room.

"I apologize if the mention of his name upsets or nauseates you. If at any time during this tour it becomes too uncomfortable for you, there is a museum 'Recovery Room' located at the far end of the Grand Hall, and you're welcome to use it. We have soft pillows there in muted colors, your choice of eight channels of pleasant earphone music, several books of happy puppies to look at, and your choice of no-sugar doughnuts, yogurt, or Tylenol. And of course there's bottled water -- three flavors, plus natural. There are also numerous Teddy bears you may embrace for as long as needed. And please feel free to use as much Kleenex as you need.

"The first exhibit in the Ronald Reagan Room is a replica of the bowl of jelly beans Reagan kept in the Oval Office. It turns out they were specially-made jelly beans with powerful drugs injected into each one. Visitors would eat a jelly bean and then wouldn't remember how nasty and disgusting Reagan actually was. The only recollection they would have was of him being jolly and pleasant. It was a diabolical but successful scheme using experimental drugs under development by the U.S. Army. What an outrage!

"This next exhibit shows a copy of his dreadful 'Malaise' speech he gave on television to the American public. Such a spiteful and bitter old man he was. No sense of humor whatsoever. Not an ounce of optimism in him. Disgusting! Disgraceful! Let's look at the next exhibit.

"In this next exhibit, we have a video of starving people in a soup line. As you know, Reagan's policies resulted in severe economic hardship for the entire country. It was, after all, the 'Great Reagan Depression.' Millions starved to death and millions more were close to dying. Reagan never even admitted there was a depression, once saying, 'This whole thing is just a fabrication of the Washington Post.' Such an evil man!

"On the wall over here is the front page from the New York Times describing how Reagan stole the election in 1984 from Walter Mondale. You'll recall it was a very close race. The Times article details by state the ways Reagan used election fraud to squeak through to victory. It was an assault on the democratic process. It was a flagrant violation of our laws. It revealed the essence of evil that characterized this man.

"Next is the statue of Reagan that stood at the entrance of what used to be called 'Reagan National Airport' just across the river from the Capitol. During the recent 'Reagan Purge,' almost all statues of Reagan were destroyed, so we're lucky to have this rare specimen. You'll note, however, it has been severely burned and one arm has been torn away. As far as we know, there are no other surviving Reagan statues, just as there are no longer any buildings or streets in America bearing his name. I'm told Reagan's name has been removed from all or almost all of the nation's text books, as well. And for good reason! Let's move along now.

"Here we see a replica of the closet Reagan used at the White House to lock up African Americans. Careful records were not kept of the actual number of blacks he locked up, but estimates are between 43 and 91. Confidants said when Tip O'Neill laughed at him or Sam Donaldson asked him a really tough question, Reagan would get mad and would ask an aide to find a homeless black man on the streets of Washington and have the man taken to this closet. Then, Reagan would laugh at the man, mimicking Tip O'Neill's laugh, and he'd ask him a couple of difficult questions which the man couldn't answer, before the door was closed and locked. The lock-up would usually last for as much as an hour before the man was released, at which time Reagan would remark, 'None of you voted for me, so what difference does it make, anyway?'

"You see there are several other exhibits in this room, and I invite you to come back and examine them at your leisure, but now let's move on to the next room. Please follow me.

"All right. Now you're standing in the Donald Trump Room. Oh, I see several raised hands. I'll answer questions at the end of my . . . What's that? Oh, you need to go to the Recovery Room! Yes, of course! How many need to do that? Let's see . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . six . . . seven. All right, seven. Take as much time there as you need, please. Perhaps you can join us for questions and answers at the end of the tour. If you need counseling, professionals are on hand to assist you, but we only have four counselors on staff, so some of you may have to wait a while.

"Yes, this is the Donald Trump Room and the first exhibit is his Russian birth certificate. This is not the original, but a copy. You'll notice he was born in Serpukhov, which is just a short distance south of Moscow. And you'll note his name at birth was 'Donovich Trumponski.' He kept this information from the public for years. This display also contains the solemn oath he signed at the age of 12 to advance Russian objectives and be forever faithful to the Russian president. This is the original oath, and it includes supporting documentation stating it isn't a forgery. Let's take a look at the next exhibit. What? I beg your pardon? Oh, two more of you wish to visit the Recovery Room. Yes, of course, I understand.

"This next exhibit shows the names of people who have announced publicly they want Trump dead. It contains 7958 Hollywood people, 4608 radio and TV news people, 239,409 teachers and professors, 29,771,290 Democrats, and 8,002,324 Republicans. It's fun to read through the list and look for the names of your favorite actors or TV personalities.

"Now, this next exhibit is special. It shows a complete video of Shakespeare's Julius Caesar with a Trump look-alike playing the part of Julius Caesar, who is stabbed to death, as performed in New York City's Central Park in May and June of 2017. You'll want to come back and watch this several times. It's really wonderful. The gift shop has this video on sale for just $29.99.

"Now, take a look at this exhibit. It's the swastika flag Trump had mounted over the headboard of his bed. Each night, he would stand at the foot of the bed, click his heels together, give the Nazi salute, and then kiss the edge of the flag three times before he got under the covers. This was a ritual he followed religiously. He had four pictures of Adolf Hitler on his night stand, and these are seen in the glass case over here.

"Over here in this exhibit is the mannequin Trump used to vent his hatred of Mexicans. As you can see, it's dressed like a Mexican man. Trump called him 'Pedro.' And in this box, here, are some of the darts Trump would throw at Pedro. We've counted and found 198,034 puncture marks in the mannequin. If he threw one dart a second, it would have taken him over 55 hours to make all those punctures. If he spent five minutes a day throwing darts, it would have taken him more than 660 days to get so many puncture holes. Trump's hatred of Mexicans knew no bounds. He's a dreadful man. Let's move on to the next exhibit.

"Here is perhaps the highlight of the Trump Room. It's an original copy of the photo of Kathy Griffin holding what's made to look like Trump's severed head. Just look at that! And it's autographed by both Kathy and the photographer who took the picture. It's priceless! We're selling reduced-size copies at the gift shop for only $19.95.

"Next, behind the glass is a page from Trump's diary. Notice how it starts out: 'I had to talk to an old woman today. It was awful. She must have been 92! She was fat and ugly, I can tell you that. I think all ugly people should die. I think all old people should die. I think all poor people should die. I hate people. I hate disabled people. All disabled people should die. All sick people should die. Most people are bad. Most people should die. I can tell you that!!!'

"Over here in the next exhibit is a list of the names of puppy dogs Trump has tortured. He enjoyed drowning them, burying they alive, and hanging them on a clothes line by their tails until they were dead. Just look at this list: 'Snuffy,' 'Rex,' 'Murphy,' 'Cuddles,' 'Doctor Zhivago,' 'Ralph,' 'Mr. Mud,' 'Snap Dragon,' and there are at least a dozen more. And right next to it is a list of the three cats he tortured: 'Rainbow,' 'Sweet Pea,' and 'Snookums.' He enjoyed torturing dogs more than he did cats.

"In this next display, we have the bust of David Duke that Trump owned. He had it placed on a beautiful piece of lace laid out on a specially-built table. It was more like an altar. A candle on each side of the bust was lit every December 24th, the day in 1865 when the Ku Klux Klan was founded. Trump idolized David Duke and would bow his head every time he passed the bust.

"The last exhibit I'd like to show you in the Donald Trump Room is a depiction of him drinking blood. Many people do not know that while he was at the White House, he drank blood every day, at midnight, usually a 6-ounce glass. It was one of his rituals. He would drink blood slowly for about ten minutes, as Melania read devil-worship stories to him. They did that for years!

"And that concludes the tour of the Despicables Museum. Are their any questions?

"Yes, the boy there in the pink shirt. Do you have a question, young man?"

"Hey, I'm a self-identified girl! Don't call me a boy. It offends me. My question is: Are there just two rooms in the museum? What about Adolf Hitler? Why isn't there a room for him?"

"Please excuse my mistake. I'm so sorry I referred to you as a boy. What an insult. I beg your pardon. Please accept my most sincere apologies.

"To answer your question: Yes, there are just the two rooms. Sure, Hitler did some bad things, but they don't compare with the inexcusable things Reagan and Trump have done. Hitler was just trying to help his country. Reagan was a conservative! We all know what that means. And Trump, whether he knew it or not, made conservative decisions and took conservative actions. Inexcusable.

"All right. Any other questions? Yes, you there with the green sweater. Please tell me how you self-identify."

"I'm 16, but my parents say I can't decide until I'm 18 years old, so I'm a gender-pending person right now."

"Very good. Thank you for telling us that. What's your question?"

"Is it true all people with conservative views should be ignored and belittled? Isn't there any conservative who deserves some respect?"

"Good question. All people who think conservative thoughts, say conservative things, or take conservative actions are a disgrace to humanity. They're all despicable people! They're nasty, mean, thoughtless, disgusting, heartless, vicious people. And you know what, they're haters! They don't know what compassion means. There's not an ounce of love in their bodies. They're hate machines. They all should be relegated to the dustbin of history. They must be shunned, humiliated, disgraced, and ridiculed. There is no place in civil society where they should be tolerated. And their most grievous sin? Their most unforgivable trait? I'll tell you what it is. They're intolerant! They will simply not tolerate the views of people with differing views and opinions. What an outrage!

"And now, if there aren't any further questions, this tour is concluded. Thank you all for visiting the Despicables Museum on this day of its grand opening. Thank you all for coming. We hope you come back soon.

"But before you leave, if you need to make use of a rest room, please feel free to use any of the facilities here at the museum. We have bathrooms for men, for women, for the trans-gendered, for those who are mixed gender, for those with no gender, for the gender-confused, for those with changed-gender self-identifications, for those with gender-pending status, and for those who don't feel comfortable in any of the other bathrooms. These facilities are located along the long corridor adjacent to the Recovery Room.