At a press conference attended my media pundits and reporters from the
nations major newspapers Dr. Harvey Gizmo Rosenberg,
announced that the Federal Drug Administration had finally approved his
(patented) breakthrough medical technology for public use. Dr. Gizmo commented:

After a three year of testing period the FDA has finally approved
my newest medical invention. Most of you are not aware that my gizmology
extends to many other fields, so it shouldnt surprise you that I
am very interested in the frontiers of medical technology. With the audio
industry suffering with a two decade long chronic debilitating disease
of the mind and spirit, I was determined to develop a new form of medical
technology that would end this plague of dissipation.

The Hydraulic Audio Butt Plug Remover is a very simple medical
device and extremely effective. By just clamping its jaws onto the entrenched
audio butt plug, and then by attaching a bicycle pump, and simply pumping
a couple of times, and achieving five pounds of pressure on its tiny hydraulic
cylinder the suffering audiophile s audio butt plug will be yanked
free without any pain. This is a real breakthrough for the audio industry
which, according to the latest Gallop Poll, has the highest incidence
of butt plugs sufferers than any other industry devoted to marketing luxury
boy toys.

My plan is to mass produce the HABPR so it can be purchased
for the price of a CD, and I am hoping that a major record label will
distribute this product because it will also have dramatic effect on record
sales. But perhaps the most exciting news of all is that I have just
signed a contract with Beavis and Butthead, who have agreed to be the
official spokesmen for the HABPR, and will be appearing in all of our
infomercials and advertising and doing demonstrations all over America.

At this point in his news conference Dr. Gizmo took questions from the
reporters in the audience.

The reporter from the Christian Science Monitor asked: Could
you explain in greater detail exactly how the HABPR works?.

The combination of clamp, cam and hydraulic cylinder is the breakthrough
and why it was worthy of a patent. Until this time most uptight audiophiles
who wanted to have more fun were using the string attached to the
doorknob/slamming the door shut technique which is not effective
for removing butt plugs, because our research demonstrated they must be
turned to the left (never to the right) to break their seal before they
can be removed. The FDA approval confirms that the HABPR is the
real breakthrough. After the clamp is attached to the butt plug and air
pressure is built in the hydraulic cylinder and the trigger is released,
the hydraulic cylinder impacts a cam which turns the clamp with great
force to the left breaking the seal, loosening the audio butt plug, while
the cam, in its second stage of operation yanks the plug free. The
whole process takes less than a second.

In anticipation of your questions...the reason I designed the hydraulic
cylinder to withstand 100 pounds of pressure (which you can get by using
your HABPR at your local gas station) is because there may be some audio
butt plugs that are so entrenched that extreme pressure is needed to yank
them free.

The reporter from The New York Times then asked: Dr. Gizmo,
how do these audio butt plugs get inserted in the first place?.

It is a well known fact that the Tooth Fairy, who sneaks into
every little boys room, also has an evil twin brother, The Audio Butt
Plug Fairy, who sneaks into grown up boys rooms, and when they
are sleeping does his evil work. The Audio Butt Plug Fairy is a very dark
evil spirit because almost all young men wake up in the morning and dont
even know that they have been plugged up. They only know that they are
acting much more uptight and arent having fun experiencing the spontaneous
joy of life anymore....and most importantly..they stop dancing to music
when they listen to their stereo...and tragically become very intellectual
about music.

Rush Limbaugh asked the next question: Dr. Gizmo, why not just
leave the audio butt plug where it is...if no one really cares...why bother.
Dont you think that the kind of physical pleasure you are taking about...is
dangerous and can lead to child abuse, violence and a loss of control?

Good question Rush. As we all know there is a little gland in men that
is responsible for spontaneity, joy, creativity, and freedom of
expression; this is the gland that makes us dance, celebrate and be affectionate
loving and passionate men, and when this gland gets blocked by the audio
butt plug we become control freaks, rigid, overly intellectual, analytical,
professorial, intolerant, and uptight...we cant respond to music with
our bodies and have fun. So by removing..I mean...yanking out the audio
butt plug....the whole experience of music in our home because filled
with spontaneous joy, and our body takes over and our head relaxes, and
that is what is missing in the audio industry. Some call it fun. I call
it the natural organic response to music. There is no doubt that some
men loving being uptight, and they will never use the HABPR.

Larry King then asked: But how can we tell if we suffering and
are blocked by an audio butt plug when all of the feelings you are describing
seem so normal for most American men?

Larry, do you do what John Mellencamp recommends? Do you dance naked
in your living room, or are you worrying about the micro-dynamics of your
stereo image?

Dan Rather, who was having a bad hair day then asked:

Arent you going to make many enemies in the audio industry with this
new product? You have to expect that many will try to discredit you and
your invention.

Right on Dan. You cant have a revolution without upsetting the keepers
of the moldy cheese, but I think most in this industry now recognize that
if there isnt a dramatic change in attitude, and by that I mean...if this
industry doesnt stop being so uptight, the flight from its products will
not cease. So I am reaching out to everyone and anyone; every audio industry
professional, and offering them one free unit of the HABPR, and asking
them to try it...no obligation. I am completely confident that once this
industry gets rid of most of its audio butt plugs, it will explode with
growth, and then I can start marketing my HPBPR..Hydraulic Politician
Butt Plug Remover.