Sunday, October 18, 2009

With the 2010 midterm elections gaining steam in the press, I thought it'd be fun to publish an old throw-back; an article I wrote about the 2006 Senate Elections. Virginia and Missouri are my personal favorite one, but you can decide for yourself which you think I displayed the most amount of sheer world-changing genius.

8 Most Competitive Senate Races

1. Tennessee- Harold Ford (D) v. Bob Corker (R)

Harold Ford- Imagine if Barack Obama quit Student Government and became a vicious, sadistic frat boy. Ford has also had controversy in his family life recently from his uncle’s federal indictment to his great-grandfather Henry’s “I don’t sell Model-T’s to Jews” ad campaign.

Bob Corker- More like Bob “Coke”er! Actually, we have no proof that the Chattanooga mayor does coke, but wouldn’t a coked out Senator make C-Span a lot more interesting? “No, you yield the fucking floor, skank!” “Motion to turn that song up: I just wanna fucking dance!”

2. Pennsylvania- Bob Casey (D) v. Rick Santorum (R)

Bob Casey- “Hello. My name is Bob Casey, my dad was a great governor, so I think I’ll be good at politics, too”. Well let me tell you something, Mr. Casey, in American, we don’t make “daddy’s little man” Senator. We make him President.

Rick Santorum- In college all the guys used to call Santorum “Sticky Ricky”. But now, after a certain infamous Dan Savage column, they call him “Sticky-biproduct-of-feces-sperm-blood-and-lube Ricky”.

3. Missouri- Claire McCaskill (D) v. Jim Talent (R)

Claire McCaskill- Total whore. Just, like, blowjobs, all the time, everywhere.

Jim Talent- To fill the Senate seat left vacant by the death of Democrat Mel Carnahan, Jim Talent beat Carnahan’s own widow who was running for her husband’s seat. Talent beat Carnahan’s widow with a brick wrapped in a t-shirt. This incident took place two weeks after Talent ironically “beat” Carnahan’s widow by receiving more votes than her in the election.

Mike DeWine- DeWine has run a defense-heavy Senate campaign and pollsters attribute his low poll numbers to his lack of aggression. You know what the say, you got to crush some grapes to make De-Wine! Get it? Seriously, though, Mike DeWine is a major alcoholic and his wife just left him.

5. Montana- Jon Tester (D) v. Conrad Burns (R)

Jon Tester- Tester grew up on a farm in rural Montana where he lived a cowboy’s existence of herding cattle, shooting guns, and loving Jesus but not as much as he loved America. What he is doing in the Democratic party is a complete fucking mystery.

Conrad Burns- Conrad Burns has the lowest approval ratings of any Senator, he accepted millions of dollars illegally from Jack Abramoff, and he once said that terrorists “drive taxicabs during the daytime and kill at night”. He also laughed really hard when he heard about the Crocodile Hunter’s death.

6. Rhode Island- Sheldon Whitehouse (D) v. Lincoln Chafee (R)

Sheldon Whitehouse- Vote for me, I have the most embarrassing name.

Lincoln Chafee- No I do! Vote for me.

7. Virginia- James Webb (for election purposes D) v. George Allen (R)

James Webb- Webb, a decorated Vietnam veteran, is said to be “fighting for Virginia’s future”. However, as a Vietnam veteran, Webb is also fighting an invisible army of shit monsters that lurk in every shadow waiting to attack him and eat his still beating heart.

George Allen- “You know what’s a silly word” George Allen thought to himself one warm, summer day, “Macaca. That’s the silliest word I’ve ever made up. I think I’ll use it at my campaign stop today and make everyone laugh”. Allen has been asked to never “make up” any words ever again by the RNC.

Joe Lieberman- That pudgy, little Jew Joe Lieberman got what was coming to him no matter how much it offends Al Franken. Lieberman lost the Democratic nomination because he is too conservative, too vain and too cozy with Bush; that’ll show him!...when he is comfortably re-elected in November.

Ned Lamont- Lamont astonished the nation when he beat Joe Lieberman to receive the Democratic nomination for Senate from Connecticut. What’s even more astonishing is that he managed to win despite being born with an asshole for a mouth. If you don’t believe me, look at a picture of him. He chews with his sphincter.

Schlesinger- Wait. There is a republican in this race? Besides Lieberman?

Monday, October 5, 2009

Since starting at Carolines, I've been kind of getting my funnies out on there website, which you should totally go to: https://www.carolines.com/blog/ Its just that I had this thought recently that I knew I could only express right here.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Over a bottle of wine the other night, my friend Kelly told the story of her friend Darcy, who reportedly had sex with a guy so that he would buy her dinner. Kelly then declared "the saddest thing in the world to have sex for is dinner." It started a heated debate. What is the saddest thing to have sex for? Here are my favorites:

The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... DIAPERS

The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... INSULIN

The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... A RIDE HOME (based on a true story)

The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... THE ANTIDOTE

The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... BAIT (if you are having sex for bait, you are either a very dedicated fisherman or a very undedicated prostitute)

The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... ROB SCHNEIDER'S AMUSEMENT

The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... THE TIME

The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... FREE! (Am I right, ladies?! Woo woo!)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I am working on a screen play and have decided to serialize it on my blog. The following is the first installment, Act I, scenes I through IV. Enjoy and let me know what you think!

Act I.

Scene I. DQ’s Library.

Fade in on a man reading in an ancient library. His face is handsome, architectural, and his eyes are in deep focus on a book. They dart back and forth rapidly.

A black page outline swoops across the screen and cut to:

A medieval moonscape. The ruins of a castle grows out of a craggily cliff, looming over a lake of fire. A beautiful, raven-haired princess is trapped on the highest wall, screaming – without sound – for help.

Cut to:

The eyes of the man in the chair stagger into focus; they have become blood-shot and frantic.

A second page swoop:

From the sulphurous mist at the foot of the castle a shadow begins to manifest. Slowly, malevolently a yellow-eyed, thick-scaled dragon ten-stories high emerges.

Cut to:

The man in the chair is now flop-sweating and speaking to himself.

A third page swoop:

POV shot of the castle off in the distance. The image is jostly and it pans out we see a knight charging on a mighty steed; the knight’s face is obscured by his helmet. The music swells as he charges towards a chasm that separates him from the castle. His steed leaps – in slow motion – over to the other side and continues his gallop at full speed.

Cut to:

The man in the chair is now shaking and is truly disturbed.

A fourth, fast page swoop:

The knight charges at the dragon, who has now reared up on his hind legs.Cut to:

The princess appears socked, but she cannot turn away.

Cut to:

The man in the chair now looks as if he will burst.

A fifth, faster page swoop:

The knight is now in feet of the dragon.

Cut to:

The princess’ beautiful face.

Cut to:

The dragon’s wretched form.

Cut to:

The man’s eyes and their bursting blood vessels

Cut to:

The steed leaps in the air, the knight thrusts his lance into the dragon’s belly, and brilliant gold light is released, all in slow motion. The dragon is sent over the cliff and tumbles to his death.

Cut to:

The weeping princess, over-joyed, rushes to her savior. Just as the knight steps down from his steed, the Princess throws herself into his arms. She pulls back.

PRINCESSWho are you?

KNIGHTI…

Knight slips the helmet and reveals his identity. He is the man reading in the chair.

KNIGHT (CONT’D)Am Don Quijote…de la Mancha!

Black out.

Scene II. Back in the Library

Don Quijote stands up in a daze, clutching his head. The room is spinning and excessive sunlight pours in through the leaded glass windows. As he gains his balance, the gravity and majesty of the revelation dawns on Don Quijote.

Cut to:

Don Quijote looks to his left and seeing a cane on his desk. A changes to POV shot, however, quickly morphs the cane into a golden lance. Don Quijote grabs the lance.

Don Quijote’s arm-chair has also been transformed, now a swirling, golden mass.

DQ looks at his lance, the music swells, and he steps on to the golden mass. DQ raise his lance over his head.

DON QUIJOTEI am Don Quijote

DQ thrusts out his lance out and cries.

DON QUIJOTE (CONT’D) De la Mancha!

The thrust sends DQ off balance. The music screeches to a halt, the light stops swirling, the chair flips over and DQ tumbles head first into the curtains. The curtains are dragged to the ground, pulling a suit of armor down with them.

Cut to:

POV shot of the armor crashing down. A large bang is heard.

Black out.

Scene III. The Make-shift Infirmary and Barn.

Don Quijote is sleeping in a light-filled room with white walls. The helmet from the suit of armor has become lodged on his head. DQ’s matronly old housekeeper Eugenia is nearby, folding linens. Enter DQ’s angelic niece, Sobrina, with a look of worry on her face.

SOBRINAEugenia, where did the barber and blacksmith go?

EUGENIAThey’re preparing a fire in the courtyard.

SOBRINAAnd how is he? Any change in his…his…his condition? [She becomes weepy]

EUGENIASenora Sobrina, I keep telling you. He’s not hurt. That suit of armor just knocked him out. He’ll be fine.

SOBRINAOh uncle! [She throws her arms around DQ] Trapped in a helmet..forever!

EUGENIASilly girl. Its just stuck on his head.

SOBRINAYou put such a brave face on things, Eugenia. I want him [choke] I want him put out of his misery.

EUGENIAWhat?

SOBRINAWhat kind of life can he live?!

EUGENIAA normal one.

SOBRINAI know a dead man when I see one!

DQ begins to stir and speak.

DON QUIJOTEI am…Quijote…I am…la Mancha.

Eugenia and Sobrina rush to DQ’s side. Sobrina grabs his hand and Eugenia produces a towel. Sobrina grabs the towel from Sobrina’s hand and begins to pat down his helmet.

DON QUIJOTEI am…la Mancha…Quijote…

SOBRINADon’t go into the light!

EUGENIAHe’s not dying!

SOBRINAThat’s right. You’re not dying, uncle! You’re not dying!

Barber and Blacksmith burst in. Barber his holding a pot full of water. Blacksmith is carrying a red-hot iron with him.

BLACKSMITHComing through! Hot iron!

BARBERIs he unconscious?

BLACKSMITHI hope he’s unconscious!

BARBERWouldn’t want to wake up with a face full of molten lead!

Barber and Blacksmith laugh.

SOBRINABarber! Blacksmith! My uncle is at death’s door.

Eugenia rolls her eyes.

BARBERShouldn’t be too tough of a job.

Puts the bucket water on the side of the bed.

BARBER (CONT’D)Not too tough at all. I’ll just hold his arms and Blacksmith here will slice through that helmet like a Portugeuse farmer through a donkey sausage!

Blacksmith and Barber burst out laughing. Barber restrains DQ’s arms.

EUGENIABut what if he wakes up?

SOBRINANon-sense. Get it off him quickly, Blacksmith.

Blacksmith leans over DQ and takes his time lining up the bright-red tip on the iron with DQ’s left helmet cheek.

BLACKSMITHWe have to be very careful. On the count of three. One…two…

DON QUIJOTEDragon!!!

DQ kicks Blacksmith square in the crotch, sending him back and the iron tumbling point down into the bed. Sobrina and Eugenia scream.

DON QUIJOTE[Thrashing violently] The dragon is eating my arm!!!

DQ grabs the iron and bashes Barber over the head with it. DQ leaps to his feet, now standing on the bed, helmet still on, brandishing the iron as a sword.

SOBRINAAaah!!! He’s dying!!!

EUGENIAHe’s not dying! He’s mad!!!

DON QUIJOTEHold your fire breath, Dragon!

Barber struggles with his injury as a choked up Blacksmith moves towards Don Quijote.

BARBERSenor! Put down the iron.

BLACKSMITHAnd don’t kick people in the crotch!

DON QUIJOTEYou dragons are all the same with your orders and your fire breath and your crotches. [To Sobrina and Eugenia] Don’t you start!

Don Quijote leaps off the bed and starts swinging the red-hot poker wildly around the room. Blacksmith, Barber, Sobrina, and Eugenia make a mad dash for cover as DQ breaks tables, destroys tapestries, etc. all while shouting “Cowardly beast” and “Spiteful lizard.” Don Quijote takes a few more swings and then, using the iron as a lance, hurls it through a window.

DON QUIJOTEEscape through the window, will you? Prepare to be destroyed!

DQ takes a running start and leaps directly through the remains of the window. DQ lands in a crouch on the desiccated lawn. Before him is a rolling hill, a barn, and a plain stretching out for miles ahead.

Cut to:

DQ lifts up his visor and quickly surveys the land.

Cut to:

POV shot transforms the farmland into the medieval moonscape from the story. DQ, now seen in full armor, rushes down the hill.

Cut to:

Barber, Blacksmith, Eugenia, and Sobrina in the now ruined kitchen. They are all terrified. A brief pause is broken as the bed collapses noisily.

EUGENIASave him! He’s not in his right mind!

Barber and Blacksmith pull themselves up and rush out the kitchen door. They spot DQ running a few dozen yards ahead of them; he is now running around in flimsy undergarments and a helmet. They begin to chase him down the hill but DQ is running at an impressive speed.

Cut to:

DQ’s eyes light up and the shot switches to his perspective. POV of a scaly green tale flickering and disappearing behind the barn.

DON QUIJOTEStop! Stop I say!

Barber and Blacksmith are now running full speed, catching up to DQ.

BARBERSeñor! Stop! Stop I say!

DQ turns a corner and reaches a closed barn door. DQ quickly surveys the situation. An axe, a club, and an awl all lying within feet of the door. DQ pauses, scratches the chin of his helmet, and proceeds instead to throw his full weight against the door, breaking it open and crashing into the ram-shackled barn.

Cut to:

Interior of the barn. DQ looks around wildly, but sees nothing. Suddenly a stirring comes from the back of the barn. DQ quickly seizes a shovel.

DON QUIJOTEOut dragon! Show your scaly self!

Out from the back of the barn comes the wiriest, leatheriest horse you have ever scene; he looks as if he has not been fed in weeks. DQ’s eyes open wide.

Cut to:

POV has transformed the horse into a glowing, muscular white steed.

DON QUIJOTERocinante! [Drops the shovel] The mighty steed of yore!

New, wider shot of Rocinante, who has changed back to normal and belches out a cough. Suddenly, Barber and Blacksmith burst through the door.

BLACKSMITHSeñor! Señor, step away from the…the…the dog?

BARBERThe jamon?

DON QUIJOTE He’s a mighty steed. A dragon fighter.

BLACKSMITHSeñor, there is no dragon. You suffered a blow to the head.

DON QUIJOTE[Incredulous] Blow to the head?

BARBERYes. The blow released many evil humors and you’re in hysterics. Now we need to get hundreds of leaches on your skull or you will die.

Don Quijote offers a puzzled, reluctant look.

BLACKSMITHHe is a doctor, Señor.

BARBERYes. Top medicine. Real 16th century stuff.

DON QUIJOTEI…but…the dragon.

The Barber slowly and calmly approaches a now bewildered Don Quijote.

BARBERShhhh. Señor, there is no dragon.

DON QUIJOTENo dragon? Preposterous. Next you’ll say there are no knights. Or chivalry is dead.

Barber takes DQ’s arm.

BARBERThere are no knights. No chivalry. Just us. In a barn.

DON QUIJOTEBut…I…

BARBERCome with us, Señor. You’ve had enough adventure for one day…

The barn door swings open with a whack. A farm laborer appears.

LABORERGood ‘morrow Señor…

DONQ QUIJOTEDragon!!!

DQ throws Barber to the ground and leaps on to Rocinante, who lets out some dirt as he weezes.

BLACKSMITHSeñor, no!!!

DQ grabs a broom from the wall, kicks Rocinante, and the horse charges, albeit lop-sidedly, at the door. DQ thrusts the broom out as a lance and heads straight for the laborer. The laborer ducks just in time and DQ takes out a chunk of the door instead as he crashes out of the barn.

Cut to:

The Barber and the Blacksmith’s now share a horrified look on their faces.

Cut to:

Exterior. DQ is riding full clip and screaming. Cut to a POV shot of a leathery green tail flitting around the tree, heading down into the sparse pasture. DQ charges on.

Cut to:

Blacksmith and Barber have run to the stable, which is an adjacent building. They grab two horses, quickly climb on top and charge off after DQ, heading at full speed down the hill towards the pasture.

Scene IV. Out on the Pasture.

The scene opens on a valiant knight, riding at a terrific clip atop his mighty steed framed against the medieval moonscape. As the rider continues, though, the knight devloves into DQ, the steed devolves into the emaciated, wobbly Rocinante, and the moonscape devolves into a craggily pasture.

Barber and Blacksmith are behind DQ by some yards, riding much healthier horses and closing in on DQ fast.

BARBERWe’re closing in!

BLACKSMITHOf course we are! He’s riding a goat!

The shot changes such that we see DQ riding up front and Barber and Blacksmith closing in from behind. The shot narrows in on DQ’s eyes and quickly changes to his POV. The mountainscape is back and a yawning chasm opens up before him, some 100 yards ahead.

Cut to:

Back to Barber and Blacksmith. Blacksmith’s eyes light up at something ahead of him. Blacksmith’s POV reveals that the three really are riding at full speed towards a 20-foot wide canyon with a river running below it.

BLACKSMITHThe rio!

BARBERWhat?

BLACKSMITHThe rio! The canyon is right ahead!

BARBERMadre de dios!

Barber and Blacksmith whip the reigns and close in on DQ. DQ also whips his reigns.

Cut to:

A wide shot of DQ approaching the river and Barber and Blacksmith closing in to within feet of DQ.

BARBERSeñor! Stop!

BLACKSMITHParate hijo puta!

The three men charge closer and closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. DQ squints his eyes, lowers his head and forces Rocinante to charge off the cliff.

Cut to:

Barber and Blacksmith screeching to a halt at the rim of the canyon.

Cut to:

Rocinante leaps over the cliff in slow motion, exactly as the steed did in the story. Time speeds up back to normal as Rocinante, amazingly, lands on the other side of the small canyon, continuing his wobbly gallop at full pace. DQ laughs triumphantly as Barber and Blacksmith fade into the background, trapped on the opposite side of the river. DQ lifts his visor.

DON QUIJOTEI am Don Quijote..de la Mancha!

DQ rides off into the distance. The Spanish sky begins to turn orange as DQ rides into the sunset.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Hot on the heels of Justice David Souter's departure, rumors abound that 89-year old Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is planning his eminent retirement (slash death). The day is not far off when Barack Obama will have to pick his second Supreme Court Justice. With all fairness in mind, I would like to offer him the following tips:

Mold them in your image - “Supreme Court justice” is a lifetime title and they act as a lasting legacy of each presidential administration. Reagan? He picked a solid, loyal conservative like himself William Rehnquist to steer the court. Eisenhower? He selected a moderate in the mold of himself like Earl Warren to bring to court together. And Nixon? He chose the ever-controversial face-eating vampire Count Viletooth to make sure his own interests would always have a place on the court. Three presidents and three excellent choice, except of course, for Count Viletooth, who was expelled from the court for killing and gorging upon the flesh of Debbie Roe, from the famous Roe v. Wade case, after ruling against her.

Pick someone you will be comfortable with - Picking a new Supreme Court justice isn’t like buying a new puppy for the family; unlike a puppy, if the justice doesn’t work, you can’t beat it to death with a shovel in the back yard. Each president must select a justice that he (I deliberately say “he”, and not the gay “he or she”) is and will forever be comfortable with. My suggestion? When selecting a new Supreme Court justice, stand naked with them for an hour during the interview. If either you giggle or if they giggle, they’re probably not the best person for the job. But if you can stand naked in front of them for an hour without the nakedness becoming a distraction and without vomiting at the sight of their wrinkled, dilapidated form, hire them on the spot.

They've gotta have a good name - As a History Major, trust me on this one. you're going to want to pick the person you know with the most embarrassing old-timey name that you can find. FDR picked associate justice Wiley B. Rutledge. Lincoln picked Salmon P. Chase and Jefferson picked Brockholst Livingston. So if you know a good lawyer named something like Hickory Explosion or Zebulon Artemis Fisticuffs, hire them immediately.

Make sure they are loyal - Loyalty cannot be overrated. Case in point, Lyndon Johnson named his personal lawyer Abe Fortas to the bench after a night of Tequila shots and sloppy make-out sessions. Don’t pick any one for the job unless they are willing to give you, like, at least a quick handie in the oval office when you are feeling down.

Everybody loves a minority! - Well, not all minorities. Don’t pick anyone with an accent or, you know, a goofy lookin’ ethnic face. The first minority on the court, Louis Brandeis, who was a Jew, was actually quite a good pick. That is, up until he was expelled from the bench for being the only justice to support Romans in the landmark case of Jesus v. Crucifix. In memoriam of this historic event, Brandeis College was founded outside of Boston, where you ugly, nebishy cousin Shira goes today. Lyndon Johnson picked Thurgood Marshall, the first black man on the court, with the condition that he would mop the floors of the court when session was over. But Marshall made good and became an important figure in the history of civil rights. Fortunately, Clarence Thomas has eroded all of those important steps forward that Marshall made for African- Americans. And there was Sandra D. No, not from Grease! Sandra Day O’Connor. Her choice as the first female Supreme Court justice was part of a promise Reagan made in the election of 1980 to “put some tits on the Supreme Court”. But O’Connor has chosen to be a great pick, known for moderate social stance. Except she really can’t trusted to make proper legal decisions four days a month. Its just science.

I hope that these tips will give our President some much needed incite into picking his next Supreme Court justice.