the backstory

The guy that raped me was my first (ex) boyfriend. We dated back in seventh/eighth grade, up until about eleventh grade. It wasn’t continuous, it was on and off again, mostly my fault. I always had some commitment issues when it came to him. But after we broke up the last time, we remained friends. As time went on, we grew farther apart. We had the kind of relationship where if i ever needed him (or vice versa) he would be there for me, type of relationship. Other than that, we didn’t really text, maybe the occasional snapchat, but that was about it.

Now, I’m the type of person that doesn’t love easily, so if you have the pleasure to be loved by me, that’s it, I’ll love you for life…obviously now, he’s an exception to this. But up until this time, I loved him and always wanted to start over and try again at a relationship. So when he threw that out there last year, I was desperate and couldn’t pass it up.

Looking back, I wish I would have.

So here’s the backstory as to why I was so desperate and eager to be with him again.

We’ll call him mystery man. If you’ve followed me on instagram for a while, you’ve probably read the four #mysteryman posts I made last year. I said in those posts that he had cheated on me, but I never gave the full story as to what happened besides the cheating. There was a reason mystery man completely destroyed me and it was much worse than him cheating.

I met mystery man my first semester of college. He was the RA on the floor that I lived on. I never went to any of the “mandatory” floor meetings so I didn’t meet him until about four months into my stay, when I had a room inspection. He came over and it was pretty much, love at first sight. And when I say I loved him, that doesn’t do it justice. He was amazing in my eyes. We both had the dream of being doctors, we had the same hobbies, same taste in music and I just loved how passionate he was about everything he did, how his eyes would just instantly light up when he would talk about something he was passionate about and I always thought we complimented each other nicely.

It was about three months into our relationship that made everything change.

We found out I was pregnant.

From that day on, our lives weren’t the same. We became consumed with stress, fear and anger towards one another. Mystery man had is mind made up on what he wanted to have happen. The night we found out, I asked him what he wanted and his response was that he wanted an abortion. He then asked me what I wanted and I just didn’t know. And to this day, I still don’t know what I would have wanted, it’s a really hard decision to make.

But he wanted what he wanted. (or so I thought). So he began taking me to shady abortion clinic, to shady abortion clinic. And yes, we were going to abortion clinics but at the same time, we were both kind of “on the fence” about it all still. After a week or so went by, we started to become attached to the growing baby inside me and we began to talk about our future as a family. Keeping it and dropping out of college, getting jobs, moving in together, and being good parents to our child.

But by doing that, our dreams of being doctors, would be gone and most of all, we would have to tell our parents and the fear of *possibly* being abandoned by our families was scary. So we gave ourselves a couple weeks to take break and breathe. We came back, and we still weren’t sure.

May 8, 2016. I was eight weeks pregnant when I had a miscarriage. I had just moved back home for the summer, mystery man was an hour away, I was home by myself, and I was crying on the bathroom floor as I watched our future slip away.

I waited three days to tell him what had happened. At this time, I wasn’t diagnosed with a miscarriage, but with the symptoms that I had, and the clots and blood that I had lost, I was confident that’s what happened. I waited so I could have time to grieve by myself. But during those three days, mystery man could sense something was off and begged me to tell him what was going on. On day three, I finally broke down and told him.

I’ll never forget that day.

After I told him, he immediately called me, yelling and crying, begging to know why I didn’t tell him. That it was his baby too and how could I. I guess didn’t know what I was expecting when I told him, but if I were to, honestly, I didn’t think that he would care, or that he would be happy. So I was surprised and heartbroken by his response.

As I type this, I can still hear it echo in my mind.

And that right there, is why he’ll never forgive me.

After this day, mystery man changed. We spent time grieving but one day he stopped being sad and became increasingly angry. I also soon learned that he was also in denial about the whole situation. He once again, began dragging me to more abortion clinics and appointments. He no longer wanted a family, and since he believed I was still pregnant, even after ultrasounds that clearly showed I was no longer, he wanted to get rid of me and our baby. From appointment to appointment, we would be told the same thing, we would get sat down in a private, little room with a doctor or nurse, who had the same disappointed look on their face and would be told the same news, “I’m sorry but you’re not pregnant.” Mystery man never liked that answer so off we would go to the next place.

This went on for three months.

At the end of the summer, he decided to take this to the extreme. He borrowed $1.000 from a friend and took me to the best gynecologist in Michigan (that accepted paying out of pocket). We went to this doctor twice. Both times we were told the same thing. I’m not pregnant. Now, hearing this over and over again took a huge emotional toll on me, I basically had it rubbed in my face that I lost my baby. Just imagine listening to the worst news possible but on a loop and you can’t escape it. That was my life for those three months and it was hell.

After the last appointment, he changed again. He turned to me in the car and calmly said “okay, I’m done now. You’re not pregnant.” And a couple days later I got a text message from him saying that he was leaving me and blocking my number and social media so I had no way to contact him. That was just adding insult to injury, salt in my wound. If I wasn’t already destroyed by hearing “you’re not pregnant” over and over again, I was definitely done for now.

As I said earlier, I loved him more than words could possibly say and that love was intensified to know that we were going to have a baby together. So for him to just pick up and leave, to delete me from his life, at a time when I needed him the most, was absolutely devastating and I couldn’t figure out why he did it.

thats when I began my research. He had blocked me from all social media at this point so I had to think outside the box. I made a fake Facebook account and that’s when I found out about “her.” He left me because he was seeing someone else. And after I found this out is when I began making the instgram posts about him.

He read them and texted me. We met up and he explained that I was never supposed to find out, that he didn’t mean to hurt me and that they had been dating for 5 months. He met her one week before we found out I was pregnant. And that made me realize something. He never had any intention of starting a family with me. That he wanted to get rid of our baby so he could start fresh with his new life and not have to worry about my baby ruining that. And that killed me even more.

But after he left I was destroyed and was desperate for some sort of love and affection and that’s where my soon to be rapist comes in…

Published by survivorunknown

I want my voice to be heard in what ever way possible. So I will begin documenting my life as a survivor. Thoughts, feelings or whatever comes to mind. I want to write it all here. I hope you will follow me along in this journey of ups and downs and if you are a survivor of sexual assault / rape, I hope you get the help you need and that you may find comfort in knowing you're not alone here <3
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