The Westboro Baptist Church is at it again. This time, they have planned a massive protest at the funeral of Iron Maiden guitar player Janick Gers. There is only one problem; Gers believes that he is not dead.

In spite of Gers protestations, the Internet has been filled with articles about his passing into the afterlife. Facebook has registered over 10,000 “RIP Janick” posts in the last several days. The Westboro Baptist Church has already flown 4,000 protestors to Des Moines, Iowa, where Gers’ memorial service is supposed to be held next week. Yet, in the face of overwhelming evidence, Gers will simply not admit that he is dead.

“You have to believe me! I’m alive! ALIVE!!!!!!” howled Gers as he fended off two EMTs who were trying to force him to lie down on a stretcher in order to be transported to the morgue.

The cause of death is yet to be determined and probably will not be until Gers agrees to an autopsy. So far, he has refused to be dissected. “If he’s alive, then let’s have him prove it,” said Des Moines Chief Medical Examiner Claude Perineum, “if we get in there and find out he’s telling the truth, we will immediately stich him back up and send him on his way. Otherwise, he’s just being dishonest and wasting the time and money of the taxpayers.”

While many in the metal world have grieved the supposed passing of Gers, Westboro Baptist Church leader Fred Phelps has been overjoyed. Phelps, who believes that America is being punished for its acceptance of gays and lesbians and its tolerance for high amounts of fluoride in the water supply, has already arrived in Iowa for the funeral. According to Phelps, “the decadent lifestyle and love of Satan preached by these British ne’er-do-wells has eroded the moral fabric of America. Iron Maiden’s singer, Ron Halford, is, in fact, an admitted homosexual!!!”

WBC Pastor Fred Phelps Prepares To Welcome Maiden Fans To Iowa

At a rally last night at The Des Moines Church of Christ The Climate Change Denier, Phelps announced that he had in his possession proof that heavy metal is a Trojan horse being used to turn America into a “breeding ground for the gay way of life”. “In my hand right now is a list of 205 homosexuals in the heavy metal world!” hollered Phelps with his grocery list grasped tightly and held over his head.

Many Iron Maiden fans plan to attend the memorial service whether Gers is dead or not. “Iron Maiden is the greatest band of all-time and, even though no one can figure out why they needed a third guitarist, this is indeed a terrible loss, if it is true, which it might not be,” said devout Maiden listener Kent Tekulve, who plans on walking over 1,000 miles from his home in Flagstaff, Arizona to the service.

And besides, he said RON Halford. Who could in fact be the gay new singer for Iron Maiden. Keith is very on top of these things you know. He always has his ear to the ground because he hears voices there.

dude, you know “the onion”, right? this shit’s like that…. just with a LOT of metal (based on my skimming).

the whole Gers thing is a joke, like a forced living funeral thing. as is… well, all of it. even the picture. notice the words on the sign, they actually are anti-christian and in rainbow. pretty off for WBC to do, eh?

I got two little niggles with ya. First, if you carve up a living being, it’s a vivisection, not a dissection. (I actually learned that on “The Simpsons”. 😯 ) The other is, I don’t think those refugees from failed lobotomies HAVE 4,000 supporters.
But I love the plan. Tempt Westboro into the middle of nowhere, surround ’em, and see how long they last. If you need an airstrike, I’ve got a couple military friends who could make that happen…. 😉

Westboro, I wouldn’t call yourself Christians. If you in fact read the bible( which I highly doubt that you do) we are taught to love. What you are showing is hatred. You are a cult of hate and not a church. How dare you call yourself Christians, when your doing the opposite of what Christ teaches. Love thy neighbor.. You should be ashamed of yourselves!

Not to defend the WBC, but Sodom and Gomorrah and Job are in there as well. I think they are reflecting that side of the “creator”.

I just think it’s throwing a lot of silly prejudices under the banner of religion in order to make them seem acceptable. I doubt the religious aspect of the thing is a big motivator. Much bigger is the chance to blame problems on some “others” and dismiss your own issues.

Agreed, Jay. It is funny, I might add, that the bible the WBC reads from ( in fact most Christians today) is the King James Version. Oh, and the Almighty King James? The most widely known homosexual king there ever was!! Damn, That would make WBC not only hypocrats, but homo’s as well!

and they say that the guitarists are responsible for the moral decline in america, But how about the people who picket everything they don’t agree with. And try to discredit everything that they don’t believe in. You want to talk about the moral decline of civilization look at how selfish/ignorant/arrogant these people are. How about we picket the Westboro members funerals for taking us back to the year of 1950 where segregation was prevalent and hate crimes were in abundance…

Please don’t play tricks like this! I almost lost my mind! Nice article though and thinking about it these WBC assholes are so crazy they will eventually protest the funeral of people BEFORE they die….since they are supposed to talk to god and he can see the future, y’know! XD

Okay, I realize this is all satire, but it’s also based on established beliefs and attitudes among the politically influential. With that in mind, I wish Reverend Phelps and his entire flock would run for the hills … run for their lives!

First off, he’s not dead, so Fuck off!! Second ROB Halford, yes, is a homosexual ( so what) and he is the Singer in Judas Priest not Iron Maiden. Iron Maidens singer is Bruce Dickinson. The reason Iron Maiden has 3 guitarists is because after Adrian Smith left and took a sabbatical, Maiden hired Janick Gers (from Bruce Dickinsons solo project) to replace him. When Adrian came back they let him. Since they are a melidoc band and harmonize their solos, the more the merrier. ;And I have heard nothing good about the Westboro Baptist church. I feel Fred Phelps should drink the “kool-aid” of his cult and wash his mouth out with a shotgun, In my opinion. Protesting military funerals, what an idiot. I personally would like to meet him so we can talk!!

This is gotta be the strangest rumor I have heard in a long time..and the church pastor is seriously warped. Janick ain’t dead ,reverend; but I’ll be sure to come protest at your funeral, which couldn’t come soon enough if u ask me

Fred Phelps is probably upset that Iron Maiden won’t let him be the 4th guitarist/stage stage decoration. I guess in his mind, it goes like this “three gtr players, all playing six strings,.. Equals 666!!, The Mark of the Beast!!! Noooooooooo!!” ..makes about as much sense as hiring an Amish guy to program your television Remote

Ooo, careful there, Mr. Barto. My wife used to drive Amish around, and there’s a lot of them that carry cellphones or smartphones. And I can’t do justice to the giggles you can get from going to pass an Amish buggy at night, and seeing the light blue glow in the back from the kids playing on their Gameboys and such! There are whole catalogues of stuff powered by car batteries, as well – that’s how they get around the big “no dependence on English (non-Amish) utilities”. They have little sheds out by the road that have an electric line leading to banks of battery chargers. If it wasn’t against their religion, they would make kick-ass lawyers – they can ALWAYS figure a way ’round their “no-no” rules! 😀

I think that we should support the WBC sending its members to protest funearals of people who are not dead! Then they won’t have time to bother the family and friends who are really in mourning for lost loved ones .. and eventually it woll bankrupt them!