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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

There was a time when I was in a hurry as you are

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday (We have
typed exactly one word, and We’re parentheticalizing already (Everything prior
to “Wednesday” was left there from the day before (Just another fascinating
behind-the-scenes glimpse at the inner workings of Erix Daily horoscope (“Glimpse”
is a peculiar word, no? (And apparently, the longer you stare at it, the
peculiarer it gets. (At any rate, this plethora of parentheses was brought on
by the word “Wednesday”, which, in contemplating as We typed it, We suddenly
discovered is an anagram for “SwedenDay”, which, while not an actual word,
actually should be, as it sounds like a lot more fun than “Wednesday”. Especially when One combines it with the
concept of Hump Day, and imagines the participation of the Swedish Olympic Men’s
Swim Team.))))))

So
Happy Hump A Swede Day.

It
further occurs to Us that, given Our cunning linguistic skills, We ought
perhaps to pursue a career encrypting documents for the CIA. Kiss Us quick, We’re Alan Turing. (Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

In
other news, some people have sex dreams; We?
Have date dreams. Yes, indeed…We
went on a date, We rode bicycles (riding a bicycle is, apparently, like riding
a bicycle…you don’t forget), We got rained on, then We lost each other in a
parking garage.

Well,
We didn’t say We had GOOD date dreams.
And, for you perverts who are wondering, neither “rode bicycles” nor “got
rained on” is a euphemism. Sometimes a
parking garage is just a parking garage.

We
have no idea what that meant. We’re
still recovering from Paula Abdul’s birthday party. (You thought We’d forgotten
that We’re a serial now, didn’t’cha?
Honey, Bunches Of Oats™.)

Our
Astute Readers (both of whom are very nice (hey, how many people do YOU know
who can read a stute?)) will not have been distracted by that barrage of
badinage from the fact that We never said who Our dream date was with. And We are here to tell you that We are not here
to tell you.

Here’s
the HorrorScope:

Oh,
good lord. We’ve not even recovered from
Paula Abdul’s birthday, and now We’ve got to celebrate Nicole Kidman’s? Tom Cruise’s elevator shoes! (Remind Us to come back and turn that into a
joke.)

You
can rack up quite a few points today (But pointing out racks would be rude.)

—
and otherwise find yourself busier than usual. (Also bustier.)

(Apparently,
we have embarked upon a titty motif. You’re
welcome, str8 bois.)

(Micro$oft
Weird™ seems to think that “titty” is not a word. Tough titty said the kitty, but the milk’s
still good.)

Your
productivity should impress anyone who’s watching, (Wait…We thought you were
just reading this…you can SEE Us?!? That’s
not good.)

though
it might not be the most fun you’ve ever had.
(Neither was losing Our date in a parking garage. Although Paula Abdul’s birthday party was a
pretty good time. Till the cops came.)

There
are two families in your life (The Montagues and the Capulets? The Hatfields and the McCoys? The Addams Family and the Munsters?)

—
the one that contains the people you’re related to, and the one that includes
the friends you choose to have in your life. (Our way was more interesting.)

It’s
time to get these two groups intermingled — plan a dinner party or an informal
cocktail get-together so that everyone you love can be in the same room at the
same time. (Two questions: can the
Swedish Olympic Men’s Swim Team be there?
And do edible Speedos™ count as hors d’oeuvres?)

(Apparently,
We have abandoned the titty motif in favor of banana hammocks. Oh, well; what did Our str8 boi readers ever do
for Us?)

There
will be no huge personality clashes (You’re no fun.)

—
as a matter of fact, some interesting new relationships might be born. (“Interesting” is such an interesting word,
isn’t it?)

The
energy’s mellow, (Thank you, Olivia Newton-John.)

while
you may be far from it. (We have never been mellow. Nor have We ever tried to find a comfort from
inside Us.)

(Meanwhile,
why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.