29 August 2016

two goddamn words I had to struggle with

Back in 2014 when nothing was right, I was losing my touch with words and how to talk properly to other human beings because I just couldn't control my words. I'm telling you once again, 2014 was absolutely the son of a bitch for me. My words were flowing here and there, around my head, tingling my fingers but they never stayed, never on paper and I totally forgot how to type them in a way that'd make sense or sound beautiful. I was a total loser soldier whose bombs were just useless and couldn't find a way to make sense of things.

And one more thing, the words I was left with were so bloody useless. Thank you I was sorry all the damned time.

Yep, thank you & sorry or sorry & thank you. I have never been more sorry in my whole life than I was in 2014. I'm sorry I don't know how to exist the right way. I'm sorry I'm going to hell. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. Thank you I'm just sorry. So sorry to be thankful. I'm sorry I'm not thankful enough. I'm sorry did you say something, oh thank you that you said something. So sorry I'm not dead? Oh thank you didn't stab me in the eye.

That actually happened. A huge part of my vocabulary was thankyou10000x + I'm sorry10000x. I actually said I'm sorry I exist and it's one of the most pathetic things I've ever said out loud. I mean, I can type a lot of pathetic things online but saying it in real life feels really pathetic. I was the girl with heart shaped in a sorry.

These two goddamn words are what I had to struggle with for a long long long time. I just couldn't stop saying sorry when I wasn't even sorry. I'd try with hey but it came out as sorry. I mean, I was a sorry little crap back then.

It's a long journey from sorry thank you to YES I AM FEELING ABSOLUTELY FINE. It's just, I don't know amazing!!??!, how words can impact your whole life. And words like sorry and thank you that might actually have 0 importance in almost all of the world's population wrecked my mind once. And I'm terribly cautious when saying sorry now, I try my best to spit sorry out of my mouth only when I'm really very sorry because it goes a long way back when everything was absolutely worse.

But I'm too good with thank you. It doesn't hurt, not anymore. Maybe because I'm actually thankful for everything I have. I'm a thankful little kid with a lot of words and art around her so it's 200% fine. And also because I've now met people who were kind to me, more than I will ever be even to my own self. And it makes me really want to say THANK YOU! I can shout it out from my rooftop because I'm really very thankful to everything in my life atm.