SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Really, the title says it all. But seriously, unless the dude is super obvious, it goes RIGHT over my head.

I have weekly interactions with customs and border patrol agents. Last week, there was one from my home county. Tall, handsome, oh. I got that he was flirting with me b/c he asked me normal questions. I flirted right back. But damn. Didn't give him my number. (My inability to think to do that is another NB post).

But yesterday, the agent pissed me off. Leaned into my car. Demanded to know where I was going, asked me what my job was, if I owned my car (a sports car marketed to 25 year old men). And I got pissed b/c I thought he was being rude & inappropriate. And so I was sharp and rude to him. I learned how to be a complete shut you down make you shrivel inside gremlin from my father (b/c that's how he treated me as a kid). Seriously, you need someone shut down, just ask me. It's my forte.

So I was telling someone about it and they said, cayc, he was *flirting* with you. Wtf?! Apparently leaning into the car was the signal. How was I supposed to know?

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3446 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico

clralb♀ 17185Member # 17185

Posted: 12:46 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013

Cayc:

I'm interested in this thread too. I have no idea how to flirt, never have. I don't know how to flirt and am clueless if someone is flirting with me.

I guess I'm too serious most of the time. If a man flirts with me (and I only know this by my friends telling me), I think he's just being nice and is like that with everyone.

Someone, help???

"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 682 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast

gahurts♂ 33699Member # 33699

Posted: 2:22 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013

If it's the same border agent that you were flirting with before, just apologize that maybe you mis-understood him and over reacted. I bet he'd let it pass.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3835 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia

cayc♀ 21964Member # 21964

Posted: 2:51 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013

No, it was not the same guy. Sorry I wasn't clearer about that. Why would I be mean to someone I was flirting with before who was nice to me?

But the point I'm posting about it isn't that I owe someone an apology, it's that I don't recognize flirting. I thought the guy #2 was being an asshole and was mocking me. And apparently others have a different take.

[This message edited by cayc at 2:51 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3446 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico

Williesmom♀ 22870Member # 22870

Posted: 3:11 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013

Is it because you don't realize your own worth, beauty, charm, etc??

It's a defense mechanism to not let your guard down - very similar to my own woes.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 8366 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA

nowiknow23♀ 33226Member # 33226

Posted: 3:19 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013

Cayc - I don't know how to flirt, and I have NO idea if/when it's happening to me, either. I think it's a skill. One I haven't learned. I hope that some of that becomes easier as I continue to lower my guard. I'm pretty sure having my shield sets on "exterminate!" isn't helping matters.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14184 | Registered: Jul 2011

phmh♀ 34146Member # 34146

Posted: 5:30 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013

I think you're being too hard on yourself.

Of course none of us were there except for you, but trust your gut. (Do I need to put in another plug for the Gavin deBecker book?)

Was he smiling and being friendly? Or was he, as you said, demanding and acting inappropriate and rude? I'm not so sure that he was flirting. You recognized it when someone actually was. It's entirely possible this second guy was just a nosy control freak. (Leaning into your car could just as well be a signal of control or being a creep and trying to get a glimpse down your shirt.)

Don't be too hard on yourself. You did recognize flirting when it really was flirting, and you flirted back and had fun.

You'll get there! But don't stifle your gut feelings as that can lead you to trouble.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 3871 | Registered: Dec 2011

gonnabe2016♀ 34823Member # 34823

Posted: 6:30 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013

What you posted about that guy sure doesn't sound like flirting to me.....

Yea, leaning into your car is a *signal* alright....a signal that he needs to get slapped in the face.

Apparently *I* don't know how to flirt either.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8628 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest

little turtle♀ 15584Member # 15584

Posted: 8:43 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013

Leaning into the car may be a signal of flirting, but if he's going to be rude and demanding, who cares? However, I try not to be rude to people, even if they appear to be rude to me.

I remember many years ago traveling from Canada to home and being asked a bunch of questions before I was allowed to go. I had to pop the trunk, tell the guy my license plate number (luckily I had it memorized), open my glove compartment (they inspected my gold fish cracker bag that I had for emergency food), and I don't remember if anything else. I was driving a car that my grandpa gave me, but why would I steal an old man type of car?? I just answered the questions and went on my way. Now that I think of it... this guy leaned in my car too... He definitely wasn't flirting with me though!!

Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4410 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan

cayc♀ 21964Member # 21964

Posted: 10:10 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013

Well in my defense, I think he was a shit flirt lol, but in so far as the questions he asked me, they were outside the pale of the routine. Trust me, I know the routine b/c I cross here all the time, plus my job is similar to his so I have an interview routine too & I know what's normal and what's not.

It was the abnormal questions that caused my friend to squint at me and say, "I think he was flirting with you".

But regardless, I don't like it about myself that I get my back up so easily though. Let's say he was being rude? Why is my reaction to be 0 to 60 put you in your place back instead of deescalate via flirting? NIK you said it perfectly, my shields are apparently set to exterminate! I just want to be more relaxed and open & can't seem to figure it out.

[This message edited by cayc at 10:13 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3446 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico

Bluebird26♀ 36445Member # 36445

Posted: 5:14 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013

Me either! I tend to shut myself down pretty quickly, I guess a skill I learned from the ex. I think someone would have to hold a sign "I'm flirting with you"

I even had a nice guy ask me out for a drink and my reply was "oh I don't drink"

Totally oblivious

Me: BW

Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.

Life's good.

Posts: 1501 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia

phmh♀ 34146Member # 34146

Posted: 6:36 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013

Why is my reaction to be 0 to 60 put you in your place back instead of deescalate via flirting? NIK you said it perfectly, my shields are apparently set to exterminate!

Yes, this sounds like the better place to start, IMO, rather than be worried about not recognizing flirting. I'd even say deescalate with a smile, being friendly, etc.; not just flirting. As the old cliche goes, you do catch more flies with honey. What would your reaction have been had it been a female who treated you this way?

If that was flirting, he was one of the creepiest flirters I have ever heard about!

(Reminds me of a scene in Arrested Development when Tobias sends out letters to casting directors that are supposed to get them to want to cast him: "I know where you live. Ha ha ha.") The questions he was asking were (if not needed for his job) intrusive, like he was getting ready to stalk you. NOT fun, harmless flirting.