Grope against hope

You've reached your article limit

Subscribe now to continue reading the Arkansas Times

I went out with a friend to meet two guys she went to college with. We played pool, had a few beers, and I ended up sleeping with one of them. He was passionate, romantic, and generous in bed. He called the next day and said we should go out. He told me he’d call later in the week to set something up for the weekend. He never did. I called him twice, but I never heard from him. I’m really hurt and confused. What happened?!!
—Ignored To Tears
Ask your grandparents how they got together. Odds are slim Gramps’ll brag he got the old girl drunk, and they stumbled out to his Model T for some no-strings-attached sex: "Well, I’ll be! Granny tore off her girdle and jumped me in the parking lot before we could make it to the back seat!"
Sure, times have changed, but Ye Olde Double Standard hasn’t. Not because of some sinister "patriarchal" plot, but because our psychological operating system dates back to cave days, and has yet to see much in the way of upgrades. 10-million-some years before Carl Djerassi invented the Pill, women didn’t "decide" to have kids. If they had sex, chances are, they had kids...and a pressing need to feed them, protect them, and pay their way through a degree in bison hunting from Cave State. And so courtship began — an incentive program offered by men hoping to show their willingness to stick around for more than a roll in the leaves.
Nooo, a guy doesn’t wine and dine you because he’s worried it’s been a while since you’ve had a gourmet meal and a nice cabernet. In fact, if he thought he could show up, unshowered and unshaven, with a bag of chips and a six-pack, and get you to have sex with him, he would. All the better if he could convince you to supply the chips and beer.
The big worry for men has always been that their woman will run around on them. As a woman, if you give birth — a process akin to pushing a Ford Escort out your nostril — is there any question the kid is yours? Unfortunately for men, male psychology predated the invention of DNA testing by millions of years. That’s why men are still wary of putting in 12-hour days clubbing small woodland animals to feed the kids — only to be ensuring the survival of the genes from the knuckle-dragger two caves down.
No matter what men might claim about respecting what’s-her-name the morning after (the companion to the female lie, "No, really! I never do this!"), maybe biology really is destiny. Research by evolutionary psychologists Martie Haselton and David Buss indicates that, for men who are players, sex on the first date is likely to be sex on the last date, because they tend to find women uglier and less hot immediately following The Big O. Unfortunately, at the exact moment the guy’s writing the woman off, she’s probably lying in bed dreamily wondering what they’ll name the children.
Accordingly, your problem wasn’t that you skipped the dating and went straight to the sex, but that you had any expectation that sex would lead to dating. Big surprise, in the cold light of day, the guy lost interest in seeing what you look like with your clothes on. Keep in mind, you’re the one who set the tone: "Free sex! For any guy who gets me drunk and beats me at pool!" What was he supposed to say? "Thanks, but I’d rather buy you 20 dinners you barely touch, reshingle your roof, and hear all about your rising sign"?
Lez is snore
I’ve lived with my girlfriend for five years, but I’m still not "out of the closet" at my new job. Making a political statement isn’t important to me, but I would like to take her to functions where employees bring their significant others. I’m not ashamed of being gay, but I worry about alienating my coworkers. Should I go stag or tell them the truth?
—Omission Statement
So, the other half of your phone bill gets paid by a woman. It’s not like you’re a closet baby eater. In fact, you’re just as boring as everybody else. The thing is, somebody’s bound to spot you with your girlfriend — and then you will be making a political statement by hiding who you are. Sure, if you let "my girlfriend" slip into water-cooler conversation there might be an initial spike in the office news cycle, and a few old farts and their fart-ettes might sneak a stare at the company picnic. In time, everybody will go back to worrying about more interesting stuff.

Comments

More by Amy Alkon

I got irritated reading your advice to “More To Love,” the wife who went from size 3 to size 14. Your contention: She needed to lose weight because her husband couldn’t change what he was attracted to. My view?

My girlfriends and I spend so much effort trying to find the right man to settle down with, yet marriage seems such a bleak prospect. My grandparents are still married (not happily, I might add), but my parents aren’t. And now, I have friends who aren’t e

While pregnant, I gained 80 pounds. Before, I was 5’8”, 118 lbs. (size 3 or 5), and I always wore slim-fitting jeans and miniskirts. In the first six months after giving birth, I lost 35 lbs. I’m now at the 13-month mark, and I haven’t lost another ounce.

Latest in Advice Goddess

Galleries downtown, out west, host receptions.

I got irritated reading your advice to “More To Love,” the wife who went from size 3 to size 14. Your contention: She needed to lose weight because her husband couldn’t change what he was attracted to. My view?

My girlfriends and I spend so much effort trying to find the right man to settle down with, yet marriage seems such a bleak prospect. My grandparents are still married (not happily, I might add), but my parents aren’t. And now, I have friends who aren’t e