My commitment is to transform our current cultural conversation about cancer from one of fear and dread to one that empowers those of us who have cancer, as well as our friends & loved ones.

I had cancer. Cancer didn't have me.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Strange Things

Today has been a heck of a day. For starters, I am experiencing chemotherapy induced cold-sensitivity for the first time. I picked up a jar of salsa that had recently been in the refrigerator and touching it gave my fingers a sensation very similar to "pins & needles." The same thing happened when I held my hands under cool water running from the faucet. I sure as heck am not about to eat anything cold. The sensation is supposed to be similar to "brain freeze" - pass!

I am also experiencing a stinging in my jaw muscles whenever I take the first bite of what ever it is I am eating.

On quite a different scale, today has been a day filled with cynicism for me. My attitude has been quite negative, but not about anything particularly important. I was in the midst of a conversation with Daniela, sharing my concerns with her, concerns that I can now see were honestly, quite irrelevant. After listening, she quite tactfully asked me if my current perspective on things might be a side effect of the chemotherapy. I listened, thought about it and then smiled at her. She was right. The chemotherapy is definitely taking my emotions for a ride.

It's the strangest thing to have my emotions altered from chemotherapy. I totally get that when I'm feeling "sick" from the chemo, I may as a result, have a less than positive attitude. But when the chemo leads me to question myself and where I am in life...that's strange. So, I just avoid those thoughts. I essentially thank my emotions for sharing and move ahead. And, I'm not feeling 100% positive at the moment, but I'm to the point that I'm just keeping to myself for the most part.

It brought me back to one of my Mom's favorite sayings when I was a kid: "If you don't have anything nice to say, please don't say anything at all." It may have taken 38 years for it to finally sink in, but it has sunk in. Now I can pass it on to my kids. I'm sure they'll be thrilled!

I took a short break from this entry to play catch with Beau. We tossed his favorite ball back and forth. Once he had decided to move on, I found my fingers to be tingling. Another side effect of the chemotherapy. Strange things are happening in my body...

I'm really glad that this will be my last treatment for a while. And I hope as my journey continues into the Fall and I return to chemotherapy, that I might be so lucky as to receive a treatment with gentler side effects. You know? Maybe my journey will not require me to experience some miserable....well...who knows. We'll see.

"Old Iron Sides"

Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”