Lee Pitts: It’s the Pitts 6-18-12

I’m confused. There are people who love cheese but don’t like cows, and folks who’ve made a religion out of wine and worship the fruit of the grape, yet they hate the agricultural industry. They love whole grains but detest wheat farmers. They blame beef and cow flatulence for all the world’s problems, yet they build expensive outdoor kitchens for barbecuing. I’m confused about meat-eating vegetarians who call themselves “flexitarians,” and lacto-ovo vegetarians who dine on brie and frappuccinos.

There’s an entire network of television shows built around gardening and upscale stores are selling $40 trowels, composting systems and “organic potting soil,” (which my grandfather would say was pure you know what!). Everyone has gone gaga over gardens, yet they hire illegals to actually do the gardening for them.

I know kids who can text, but not type. They are obsessed with video games and shooting things on their computers and smart phones, and yet we’re surprised when the little darlings shoot their classmates at school. Their parents blame the NRA, not the video games or themselves. Mothers and fathers say “they are really into their kids” and yet they let nannies, school teachers, daycare and Nintendo raise them.

Greenies leave behind tons of trash on Earth Day and blame the internal combustion engine for what ails the world. So they tow Smart Cars behind their 45 foot motor homes. It’s okay because their bumper says they gave to the Nature Conservancy and bought carbon credits. But I fail to see how that somehow erases their exhaust.

We’re obsessed with famous folks simply because they’re famous. We want to know every detail of their sick lives, right down to the natural color of their naturally dyed hair. Yet if these same people showed up on our doorstep we wouldn’t let them in the house. Protestants have concrete Buddhas in their “reflective gardens” and have “friends” they’ve never met, except on Facebook. On Main Street you’ll find homeless who want five dollars for a cup of coffee and some food for their dog. And where’s the logic behind paying more money for jeans that come pre-ripped and faded and look like they came out of the rag bag? Gourmets are joining Weight Watchers, moderate Democrats are voting for Republicans and liberal Republicans vote for Democrats, while the Independents don’t vote because they don’t want any of the blame.

AA members are going on drugs to kick their drinking habit while we urge our kids to “Just Say No to Drugs” and then assign them Ritilin in school. Our nation’s best and brightest are going into BIG debt getting college degrees and then moving back in with their folks and becoming baristas at Starbucks. They go back to school to get their Doctorates and MBA’s so they can teach others how to follow in their bankrupt footsteps.

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I can’t even keep track of who’s who anymore with bisexuals, sex change operations, men marrying men and transvestite men dressing up like women.

Folks get so worked up about their “bad cholesterol” and if their home is Feng shued properly that they have to take high blood pressure medicine due to all the stress in their nonstop lives. People want to do the right thing, I think, but too often it simply costs too much or takes too much of their time. There’s barely enough time as it is to save the fairy shrimp and cool off global warming.

The luckiest and richest amongst us won’t have to choose between which rest-home warehouse to die in, like the rest of us will. It’s too bad, really, that the super-rich won’t get to watch the tax-exempt foundation they left all their billions to spend it fighting capitalism and human initiative, as they multiply regulations, build brick walls and glass ceilings, and help create a world where it’s impossible to duplicate their success.

We know we can do better but it’s difficult deciding which would do more to cure what ails the world … pilates, yoga class or running in one place at the gym.