Wednesday, November 15, 2006

"It ain't too late, Killer in 2008"

My fellow Americans, President Killer

I like taking money for doing favors. I like flying around the country to smile and shake hands. I like calling anyone who opposes me, "a terrorist loving, tax raising, homosexual." This is why I am officially announcing my intention to run for President of the United States of America in 2008.

I have been following politics for quite a while now, and I paid especially close attention last week when we upset the status quo in Washington in order to replace it with the new status quo that we will most likely replace in about six years with another group, shockingly similar to both of these groups. What did all this political study teach me? It taught me that I want in on the action. I like to think I am a good public speaker, and people generally like me. So why not enter the wonderful world of politics?

I haven't really decided which party to run with yet. I think it is best to wait until the dust settles. Americans are very fickle. 20% are die-hard Republican conservatives and 20% are un-wavering Democratic liberals, but another 20% don't follow current events enough to know what the hell is going on, and which party stands for what. They just have friends in the other two groups who steadily barrage them with inane talking points until they decide to choose someone based on what color tie they are wearing. Oh, the remaining 40% is a chaotic mix of morons, slackers and illegal aliens. The kind of people who think Super Tuesday is "two for one lap dances" at Terry's Titty Town Cabaret and Oyster Shack.

My platform for Presidency is going to be solidly built on telling everyone exactly what they want to hear. If I go to a rally in Mississippi, I am a born again Christian who hates gays and loves shooting animals in the woods, and sometimes gay animals. If I go to a rally in San Francisco, I am a recovering alcoholic who wants strict gun control and, although not gay, I did experiment a little in college, so I can support that lifestyle. When I go to a swing state, like Florida or Ohio, I am going to say as little as possible and just smile a lot. Those people can't even decide what they hell they want, how can I.

I am not above running dirty campaign ads. I might try to run the dirtiest campaign around. A campaign ad with Hillary in a explicit menage a trois with McCain and Giuliani. There is no limit to the things I can do with photo shop. If it is one thing I have learned from politics, "if it is not true, just show it over and over again until it is." You don't have to convince everyone, just that undecided 20% who only get their political information from 30 second commercials between "Desperate House Wives" and "Andy Griffith" reruns.

And don't forget my secret weapon, I am going to offer free Hot Wings at Terry's Titty Town, every Tuesday while I get up and campaign between strippers. Then come the real Super Tuesday, I bring a couple of buses and bring all those idiots to the polls. That 40% of the population just might be stupid enough to send me to the White House. Stupid enough is all I need.

Forget the Republicans, Dems, and the Green Party... start a Mauve Party. Or just have a damn party and let someone else be a politician because I hear you have to get out of bed in the morning and stuff.

i think you've gone too far this time--leave the gay animals alone for christ's sake. retract that statement and you may be able to convince me to be your running mate. i think i could pull old ladies demographic for you--they all love me.