How to raise a feminist in 6 not-so-easy steps

In almost every society, from Baltimore to Beijing, boys are told from a young age to go outside and have adventures, while young girls are encouraged to stay home and do chores
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Ophelia Galloway, 5, of Mesa, stands by her mother, Kathryn Galloway, and brother, Oliver Galloway, 7, during an equal rights march at the Arizona State Capitol in Phoenix, on January 21, 2017.(Photo: David Wallace, The Arizona Republic)

Many parents tell their children that when they grow up, they can be anything they want. For that to be true, experts say, we must raise them as feminists. Teaching kids feminism means emphasizing everyone deserves equal respect and equal opportunities.

USA TODAY spoke with Kimberly Churches, the CEO of the American Association of University Women, a non-profit organization that advances equality for women and girls, and Ted Bunch, chief development officer of A Call to Men, a violence prevention organization that focuses on reframing the definition of manhood, to get their tips on how to raise the next generation of feminists in a post-#MeToo era.

1: Fight stereotypes — including your own

We all have unconscious gender biases. These are the things we've internalized — like seeing a woman in scrubs and thinking she's a nurse rather than a surgeon, or assuming that girls cry more easily and boys are more aggressive.

"We can’t allow our boys or our girls to grow and change if we don’t first examine our own stereotypical thinking," Churches said.

Such biases were given to us by parents, teachers and mentors, and were reinforced by media and society at large. Bunch says dads who tell their boys not to cry, for example, likely had fathers who didn't openly display emotion.

2: Show kids how it's done

We must show kids what "healthy relationships look like," Churches said.

At home, avoid adhering to traditional gender roles. If mom never changes a lightbulb and dad never helps clean, that sends message to kids about roles for men and women. Try to divide chores and activities in your family in an unbiased way. Of course, if dad hates cooking and mom loves it, there's nothing wrong with her taking on meals. Just like there's nothing wrong with your daughter saying she'd rather mow the lawn than wash the dishes.

3: Encourage friendships between boys and girls

Opposite-sex friendships are normal and healthy. When girls only play with other girls and boys only play with other boys, it reinforces gender stereotypes.

"I remember when my daughter started kindergarten in a new school, the moms came to me and said 'Lets get all the girls together.' And I resisted that, and I then hosted my own playdates with boys and girls, so I could let my child figure out who she wanted to play with," Churches said.

If your daughter is having a birthday party, make sure the boys in her class get invites, too, experts advise. Explore co-ed activities. And if a girl and a boy do develop a friendship, definitely don't call them "boyfriend and girlfriend." Boys and girls need to understand they can interact in friendly ways that are strictly platonic.

4: Talk about consent

If your child says he or she doesn't want to give a family member a hug, respect that. Talk openly about boundaries, and how words are used to enforce them.

"[It's] important for us to be teaching our boys and our girls the power of words ... to ensure safety," Churches said.

CLOSE

The Girl Scouts of the USA are warning parents to not force their children to hug relatives during the holidays. The article is titled “Reminder: She Doesn’t Owe Anyone a Hug. Not Even at the Holidays.”
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As children grow into adolescents, it's important to emphasize to young men especially that sex is not about "the conquest," Bunch said.

In a Harvard survey, 76% of young people said they'd never had a conversation with their parents about how to avoid sexually harassing others, and a majority had never talked with their parents about misogyny. More than 60% said they had never spoken with their parents about "being sure your partner wants to have sex and is comfortable doing so before having sex," while 57% said they'd never talked about the "importance of not having sex with someone who is too intoxicated or impaired to make a decision about sex."

6: Follow your child's lead

Don't make assumptions about what your child likes based on gender. Let them show you. Your daughter may prefer her blocks over her Barbies, and your son may gravitate toward more nurturing toys. Just last month, popular doll line American Girl introduced its first boy.

"What if, in raising children we focus on ability instead of gender? What if we focus on interest instead of gender? . . . . The problem with gender is that it prescribes how we should be rather than recognize how we are" (Ngozi Adichie) We Should All Be Feminists #Metoo#timesup

"It’s not just about those differences between the sexes, there are differences among human beings," Churches said. "I think one of the biggest things here when we’re thinking about raising feminist boys and girls is not to overgeneralize or make assumptions ... and to really celebrate those differences and follow our children’s leads."