Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Hello, my name is Kevin. Being my first post, I'd like to use this space to detail why I've decided to share my thoughts and words on the almighty interweb.

Two months and 14 days ago I had a son. I've never been more proud of any creation before or since that little boy graced my life. His name was Aiden, and he was the spitting image of his old man: Tall, skinny, fiery red hair, hands like a 90 year old, and eyes like... Well, I never got to see his eyes, and that's something I regret profoundly. You see my son, my little Aiden, was stillborn at 37 weeks.

Thursday, August 12th, started as a normal day. I woke up early and showered, dressed for work, said goodbye to my wife Angie and rubbed her belly while I told Aiden how excited I was to see him. Angie was due August 30th, and today she was having a standard doctor's visit. A couple of weeks ago she had begun seeing him every week for regular checkups.

Work went as normal that day. I answer phones and schedule appointments for orthopedic surgeons, and in the afternoons I put on an IT hat and work help desk. My IT manager couldn't make it in today, his wife having gone into labor the night before, so I was especially busy fixing programs and troubleshooting user errors.The morning flew by, and after lunch I dove back in. Around 2pm I found myself looking for a screwdriver to assemble a desk for a new workstation when I got a phone call from a strange number. I let it go to voicemail.

"It's my wife telling me she's in labor," I joked with my other manager. With my IT manager out I would be covering all help desk troubleshooting for the next couple of weeks. If my wife were to go into labor my other manager would be handling the help desk all by his lonesome. "Don't even joke about that!" was his reply. I smiled, and looked down quizzically as the my phone rang again with the same number. Whoever it was, they were persistent, but I was at work and I was busy.

The third call was from Angie's number. I answered.

"Hello, this is soandso from Dr. Feldman's office, is this Kevin?" She sounded uncomfortable. She was talking very fast.
"Yes this is, Kevin, what's going on?"
"Angie needs you to come here right away, and would like you to bring her mother."
"What's wrong?" I begin to worry.
"Angie is okay. It's really better if you just come here as soon as you can, and bring Michelle."

I didn't hesitate any longer than a moment, just to put down my screwdriver, find my mother-in-law (who I work with), and head to the doctor's office. I'm not normally a fast driver, but a fifteen minute trip took me maybe five.

"They wouldn't want me there unless something was wrong," Michelle kept saying. I agreed. I fought off the tears until I knew they were necessary, though.

Rushing into the office I told the receptionist who I was and went back into the exam rooms. She told me where my wife was and I hesitated at the door. Apart of me really didn't want this to be right room, though at the time I didn't know why. I knocked and went in.

My wife's face was the first thing I saw. She was blank. Gone. Staring at a spot in the wall. Dr. Feldman looked at me and told me how sorry he was, there was no heartbeat. Aiden was gone.

From there everything is a blur. Going to the hospital, the inducing drugs, family around us trying to keep our minds occupied, endless sobbing... In the early hours Angie started going into active labor. It seems like it was just seconds before my son was out of the womb. I remember praying, please God, please I'll give you anything, just let him breathe. Take my life for his. God, please.

God never answers my prayers, or if He does it is unsatisfactory.

At 2:43am, August 13th, Aiden was born without life.

We held him as long as we could before we were too exhausted to stay awake. We slept a couple of hours and then held him some more. At the time it seemed so long, just us and him. I'm ashamed to admit how badly I just wanted to go home and have everything be over. Now I know the time was too short, and I would give anything to be back in that room holding my little boy and kissing his face.

So that's the story. The reason my life is on a different path than it should be. The reason that inspired me to make this blog. Not everything I write here will be about Aiden, but everything will surely be inspired by how he has affected my life.

I love you, son. May you live forever in the stories I intend to create.

Heartbreakingly beautiful. Im so sorry Kevin. Im so glad you have decided to blog about this and life in general. I always like seeing it from the fathers perspective...well perhaps 'like' isnt the best word but you know what I mean. Im so proud that our babies brought us together and we were able to walk together at the LA walk. You and angie are in my prayers always.

Followed the link from Angie's facebook and just wanted to let you know that I am reading along, sending love. Reading Aiden's story from your perspective takes my breath away. I cry some days just knowing that my best friend lost his daughter, and I can't just abide with him in his grief, since I am grieving for the same little girl.

Blogging helped me so much, connecting with others, learning more about other people's experiences with the emotions I was feeling. If you want, I know a few grieving fathers who blog too. I can email you a list, if you are interested. XO