21 predictions for FYF Festival 2013

This year’s FYF Festival in downtown Los Angeles has one of the best lineups of any festival in years for a fraction of the price of its overcrowded, summer-bookend counterpart, Coachella. With such a dream list of performers announced over three months before the festival, the excitement of those two dust-filled days in LA State Historic Park is already fucking with my imagination.

Here are my predictions for what seems to be the sleeper-hit blockbuster festival of summer:

A minimum of forty people will overheat and pass out from either A) Becoming too aroused during Solange’s set or B) Taking too much acid during Dan Deacon’s.

The park grounds will still consist entirely of dirt and some chalk-like substance.

My Bloody Valentine will effectively drown out any band, from any stage, that overlaps with their performance. Any children on indie-elder partents’ shoulders will undoubtedly bleed from their ears; possibly acquire super-powers.

You will make out with someone. They will have dirt in their mouth. Or a chalk-like substance.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs will frighten a hoard of teenagers to tears.

The upper age bracket will have an 86% intensely meaningful, time transposition experience rate, partly due to purchasing leftover LSD from fried Dan Deacon fans, while attending any of the following: MBV, The Breeders, The Melvins, Jonathan Richman.

Devendra Banhart will go largely unnoticed by civilians, but not celebrities.

The above two groups shall meet afterwards for a cacophonous bone-sesh yielding sensual punk children that will headline FYF 2033.

Low-billed acts like Mikal Cronin and Ty Segall will be worth getting their early for.

You will see your ex gyrating to !!!.

From a mix of alcohol, drugs, exhaustion, and the possibility of heat stroke, you will have a ridiculously transcendental experience during Beach House that urges you to find your ex and reconnect. Continuing through this high, fighting your way through the stages to find him/her, you will have another transcendental experience during Deerhunter and decide to be alone instead. You will thank Deerhunter in the morning.

Foxygen and MGMT will run into each other backstage and become infinitely perplexed as they gaze into their pasts and futures existing concurrently.

TV On The Radio have probably “been up to something.”

I’ve never heard of this band here, Poolside, but judging by their name and their promotional photo let’s throw this set into the “good break for a beer” pile. [the author has not, and will not, conduct any research for this opinion]