The Iron Warrior

Five Things You Want To Know

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

Humans are just no fun. Why can’t we all be like our feathered, furry, scaly, slimy, microscopic, and extinct friends? Here are five fun things animals can do that we all wish we could do.

Barnacles Can Adjust Their Penis Size

Since barnacles are stuck to rocks all day, but still want to get laid just like anyone else, they have penises several times longer than their own body. Not only are their dicks prehensile, but they can also change their length and girth at will. This helps them deal with rough water conditions, and also impresses the lady barnacles. Oh wait, they are all hermaphrodites. Well, whatever floats your, err…

Mantis Shrimp Can Punch a Sonic Boom

That’s right – the mantis shrimp has claws so powerful that they can cause a sonic boom just by shadowboxing. If you try to keep them in an aquarium, watch out! They have been known to go full Kill Bill to get out of there. As if that isn’t cool enough, they can also see polarized light.

Hairy Frogs Are Basically Wolverine

Think you’re hardcore? You have nothing on the hairy frog. First of all, they grow hair made of skin, just so they can take in extra oxygen. Forget that high-altitude training. Secondly, they intentionally break the bones in their fingers, and push sharp bits of broken bone through their skin to make claws. Why not just evolve claws? Well, which would strike more terror into your enemies?

Dolphins Stay Awake… Permanently

Yes, they are ever awake, watching. Waiting. In fact, dolphins do sleep – they just also stay awake. How? They can sleep with one half of their brain, while staying awake with the other half. If only we students could do the same.

Axolotls Are Just. The. Best.

Sorry, everyone. Axolotls are the pinnacle of evolution. Why? Let’s just start counting the ways. In the first place, they don’t have to grow up. Sure, they can if they really need to, but they can live a rich and fulfilled life in their childhood state. Secondly, they can regenerate new limbs, organs, and even parts of their brain. They can donate organs to each other easily, which is nice. All that means that they are super important for science. Last, but not least, they are freaking adorable.