Juggling work, raising kids, running a household and being a member of the community can be hard work and often puts a lot of stress on parents. This stress can be all too easily passed to their kids, creating household tension and jittery kids. You may be a kid or teenager who has to deal with the stressed out parents, which can be difficult. You may also work in childcare, education, or are a youth care worker, and there will be times when you will have to deal with emotional and stressed parents. It may seem daunting at first, but with a little work, it can be done. There are some guidelines you can follow in order to minimize conflict, empathize, and work strategically with your own or others' parents in a constructive way. Kids and teenagers should refer to method one, while childcare workers will find methods two through five useful.

Steps

Method1

Dealing with Your Own Parents

1

Manage the situation. If your parents are being overly emotional or stressed, it is generally easier to manage the situation instead of engage in it. If you need to get something specific from them or talk to them about something specific, try to be direct with your questions or within your discussion. If you avoid responding in an emotional way, your parents may be more likely to respond in a similar fashion. Even if they don't, you will be less likely to gain stress from the interaction if you just attempt to manage them instead of engaging in their emotional, stressed behavior.

For example, if your parents are raising their voices at you, don't raise yours back. Calmly try to continue the conversation without making it worse.[1][2]

2

Remove yourself from the situation. If your parents are too stressed and you can't handle it, remove yourself from the conversation or situation, if possible. If your parents are stressing you out, go to your room or another room of the house. Don't do it in a disrespectful way, but try to remove yourself from the situation so you don't make it worse or become stressed yourself because of their overly emotional behavior.

If you are in a situation where you can't get away from them, try to remove yourself from the conversation. This can be done by telling them that you don't want to talk, respectfully telling them that you are removing yourself from the conversation, or simply ignoring any stressed or emotional behavior they exhibit in your presence.[3][4]

3

Help the situation. If you see what is causing the stress or emotional behavior in your parents lives, try to help with it if you can. There may be some situations where you can't help, such as personal issues with their relationship or their relationships with others, or in some cases money troubles, but there are other situations where you can help. Even removing just a little of the pressure can help deescalate the situation to where your parents may calm down.

For example, if you see that a messy house is making your parents stress out, try picking up around the house or washing the dishes. Or if you are old enough to get a job, find a job and start buying some of your own things or giving your parents a little bit of money to help with things.[5]

4

Talk to them about it. If your parents are too stressed and emotional for your to deal with, talk to them about it. Have concrete examples of how they have acted that has stressed you out or been too emotional. Don't blame or accuse them of horrible behavior, just explain to them that they have been overly emotional and stressed lately and that it is interfering with your life. Most parents may not even see how they have been acting or know how it is effecting you.

Make sure you do this calmly. Even if your parents fight back with harsh words or can't see what they've been doing, make sure you stay calm. You can only do so much in these situations. Once you've told them, it is up to them to change it. If it still doesn't change over time, try having the conversation again with additional examples of their actions.[6]

Method2

Listening to the Parents

1

Support the parents. Parents today have a lot to stress about. Raising children while juggling all the other demands of life in today’s economy and culture can most certainly take its toll. Parents can get overwhelmed and, as a caretaker of their child, you provide assistance to them and their stress as well. Youth work is all about teamwork, and helping support parents essentially is helping support their child. It can be very helpful for parents to have someone they trust and who has real knowledge about their child just listen to them talk.

Sometimes the best thing you can do to help stressed out parents is to provide a safe space for them to get their emotions off their chest and to give them the support they need.[7]

2

Pay attention to the parents. There some methods you can employ, other than simple support, that will help you actively listen to parents when they talk to you. Whether you are on the phone or in person, plant your feet firmly on the ground and remain present. Keep your breathing calm and focused, lean in to the conversation, and truly be there for the parent. Stay as grounded as possible in your interactions with them so you can stay as focused as possible on their conversation.

In order to create a safe space, you have to be safe person who is paying attention and taking their concerns seriously. Be present for them. The parents will notice if you are really engaged in what they are saying. If you are really engaged, then you can handle their need to purge their emotions and stresses. [8]

3

Take notes. Another active listening technique is to take notes. If you are not on the phone, ask the parent if they mind if you take notes. Explain that you just want to make sure you are fully absorbing what they are saying so that you can work with the rest of your team to help find solutions to their concerns and help take some of the burden off of them. This will let them know that you truly care about their concerns and their child as well. [9]

4

Make reflective statements. Sometimes when parents are overly emotional, it can be difficult for them to stay focused. Use statements like that start with things like, "What I am hearing you say is," or, "I can hear from your voice how stressed you are." These statements will let them know you acknowledge their stress.

You can also use validating statements such as, "That must be really difficult" to help the parents truly understand you are listening and taking their stress, emotions, and concerns seriously. [10]

5

Let them know you are here to help. Sometimes people are uncomfortable when they get stressed. The parents may also find it challenging for them to feel so emotional and want to avoid seeking help. Assure the parents that you are there to help, you are there for their child, and you are there for them. Let them know it is part of your job to offer support and ask them if there is anything you can do to make them feel more comfortable talking and expressing themselves.

6

Legitimize the parent's worries and concerns. Don’t offer advice, minimize the parents stress and emotions, or suggest any kind of quick fix. The first step is to listen, and let the parent say what they need to say, beginning to end. Try to avoid interrupting them while they are describing their issues to you. Remember, they are the parents, and respect that their experience with their child may be different than your experience as a teacher or caregiver.

By withholding judgment and solutions, you can learn more about the family dynamics, other aspects of the child in question, and behaviors that may not present at school or day care. By using your listening time to also gather information about the child, the parents, and family dynamics, you will have a better arsenal of ideas of what can be done to help the parents and child. [11]

7

Comfort the parents. While you are listening, after you reflect to the parent how upset and stressed they sound, encourage them to try to breathe and relax. This will help to dissolve the situation and put the parents at ease.

By reinforcing that they are not alone and you are actively listening, you can help de-escalate the parent’s emotional state so that you can better help them.

Method3

Validating the Parent's Feelings

1

Reassure the parents. Sound, logical advice and planning is great, but when you feel stressed and overwhelmed, most of the time you want to be heard and feel validated. After this, you can think more rationally about the issues that you are dealing with. Keep this in mind while you are dealing with stressed out parents. Giving them your attention as well as validation and reassurance can go a long way in lowering the emotional intensity so that solutions can eventually be discussed.

Keep reassuring the parents that you value their worries and opinions.

2

Ask reflective questions. Reflective questions are questions that start with why, what, who, or when. Try to avoid questions that are black and white or just yes or no. Reflective questions validate the experience the parents are having. It also makes it easier for you as the listener to gather as much information about what is going on with the parent and begin to think about possible solutions. Reflective questions also allow the parent to explore their own feelings and why they are stressed.

Sometimes talking through a stressful time with someone the parent feels is a professional can really help the parent feel supported.[12]

Try questions such as "What can I do to help with this situation?" or "What exactly do you think is causing this issue for your child?" These require long, in depth responses that the parents can answer. These questions will also help you figure out the exact problem and figure out what to do to fix it.

3

Validate the parent’s situation. Holding back all judgment, focus on the fact that the feelings the parents are having are very real for them. Make statements that validate their emotions. Validate how difficult it is to be a parent in general as well. Validating the parent and their emotions can also help calm the parent down. If you feel like someone is listening to you and understanding you, it helps you feel less defensive and more open to talking about options and solutions.[13]

Tell them something like, "I understand your frustration with this situation," or, "I can see the stress and upset that this event has caused you."

4

Empathize with the parent's feelings. Allow yourself to feel what the parent is feeling and try to put yourself in their shoes. Humans have a unique ability to empathize with others, and if you are working in childcare or youth work, you most likely are familiar with how much empathy can mean to another person. The parents that are stressed, emotional, and reaching out for help need your empathy too. Remember that youth work is really family work, and by empathizing with what the parent is going through, you are not only supporting the parent, but you can also empathize better with the child and their home situation.

Even though you are not at the solution stage yet, by truly empathizing with the parent, you can begin to form questions of your own about what you would do in that situation, which will help you create an action plan. Keep those questions in the back of your mind and stay focused on listening, validating, and empathizing with the parent.[14]

5

Assure that you are here to help. When parents get overly stressed, it can be really helpful for them to know they are not alone, and that other adults are here to support them. You are in a professional position and represent someone who they feel they should be able to trust with their children. Make it very clear that they are not alone and that you are listening.

This will help validate their feelings and show that you empathize with them so that you can be supportive. Tell them that this is a part of your job that you are ready and willing to do.[15]

Assure the parents with phrases such as "I am here to help you with every concern you have," or, "I understand your frustration and I am here to help you until you are satisfied with the result."

6

Suggest breathing exercises to help destress the parents. If you have listened attentively, presently, validated, and empathized but the parent you are dealing with is getting more upset and escalating in their emotions, gently suggest that you both engage in deep breathing. Even if you are on the phone with a parent, ask them to place a hand on their belly and breathe deeply into it. Express to them that you are doing deep breathing too in order to help dissipate the emotion and stress. Also tell them that you want to be calm and centered enough to help them.

Do not rush this step. Allow plenty of time for the parents to vent and speak, but also realize when it’s time to calm down and start being productive.

Be conscious of your time and energy as well. If thinking about solutions is not appropriate because the parent is just too emotional, try to set up another meeting or phone call when you can talk again.

7

Ask for guidance from the parents. If you are not sure how best to help the parents, ask them what the best way is for you to help them. Give them the power and control, which may also help ease their stress levels while you are talking to them. Ask what they need from you in this moment to best serve them, their distress, and their child. This can help them focus, feel nurtured, and also feel heard and as though they have a voice.

Method4

Trying Concrete Solutions

1

Address the problems separately. Start helping the parents one step at a time. Knowing that there is help on the way and that you are on their team can help the parent feel secure and supported.[16] Depending on what the concerns are, try to address each of the stressors individually and cohesively.

For example, if their child is acting out at home, address what can be done from your side as the caregiver or teacher, and what the parent can do at home to complement the actions you are taking when the child is in your care.[17]

2

Ask for a list of concerns. Ask the parents to create a log of the issues and concerns that they are having and how the child is involved. Ask the parents to try to notice times, events, situations, and people that are causing the stress and emotions. This way, you can get a better idea of what types of services and interventions will best fit what is going on with the family. [18]

This exercise can also help you to notice similar events with the child when the parent is not around.

3

Give support to the family. If the parents are stressed because of housing, economic, or financial concerns, use the resources you have in your community or place of work to help support the family through this time. Give the parents as many options as you can about services, welfare programs, and school programs for families struggling with poverty.[19]

This may not offer an immediate solution, but it can help decrease their stress in the long run.

4

Offer outside solutions from the problems. If there are clear instances of family loss, abuse, substance abuse in the household, divorce, or other stressors that are directly related to the current issues, be proactive in finding programs and counseling that will benefit the child. Contact the school counselor for suggestions, or ask your supervisor for referrals for counseling.

Most urban communities have free programs for children who have been victims of abuse. As a youth worker, you should have access to resources for when family situations such as trauma arise.

Assure the parent that you are on their side and will make every effort to find the resources to get their child the help they need.

Involve the parent and listen to their perspective. By developing a team-like environment, not only will the parent benefit by feeling involved and empowered, the child will also benefit by having multiple perspectives and strategies at home as well.[20]

5

Ask the parent directly how you can help. Keeping the parents involved will help them feel less powerless, and in turn this will help reduce the feelings of stress and lower the emotionality. Present yourself as a part of their team, and as a someone who wants to support them and cares deeply about the wellbeing of their child. [21]

Method5

Encouraging Self Care

1

Suggest self care for the parent's stress. As anyone will tell you, parenting is the toughest job you can have. Sometimes, when parents are stressed and over-emotional, it can be helpful if you encourage them to take some time and space to care for themselves. By doing this, you are again showing support, showing that you are listening, and helping ease their stress by giving them permission to focus on themselves.[22]

Depending on the severity of the situation, you may need to suggest different things. For example, if there has been a loss in the family, encourage the parent to seek counseling. Offer to connect them with free services, or ask the parent to contact their insurance company to find a therapist that can help them. The parent may be beyond their capability to fully handle what is going on in their family, and seeking the help of a professional may be the best thing for them and for their child.

2

Encourage the parent to take time for themselves. Parents often forget to take care of themselves. Even if this means an hour alone in a hot bath with no interruptions, encourage the parent to find ways to relax. You don’t have to be explicit with your suggestions, but be sincere that you feel they deserve some pampering. Using your empathy, reaffirm that their stress and emotions are valid, and they must take care of themselves so that they can also take care of their child.[23]

3

Ask the parents what they need. It might help you to ask the parents what they think they may need to get through their stressful emotions. See if there is anything you can do to help, such as suggesting parenting classes or books. Depending on what is stressing the child, perhaps a support group would be helpful and you can help them find it.

For example, if the parents have an autistic child and are stretched beyond their limits, a support group for parents with autistic children might be a great way for them to relieve feelings of isolation and connect with other parents with similar stressors. [24]

4

Emphasize the need for emotional stability. Impress upon the parents how important their emotional state is for the well being of not only themselves, but also their child. Sometimes parents can lose themselves in the daily stress of work and child rearing, and it can be helpful to hear that their emotional health is important and valid. Tell the parent that they matter, their feelings matter, and even though you care for their child as your job, part of caring for that child is caring for the entire family.

Be a pillar of support and validation for stressed parents. In the long run, better emotional health in the parents make for better emotional health for the child. As a youth worker, your job is to promote arenas for healthy children. Be kind, listen, validate, and empathize when parents get stressed.[25]