Archive for the ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ Category

Okay, so last night I was watching Buffy season 7 episode 18 (Dirty Girls) and a thought occurred to me: Buffy was screwing up strategically.

This will be Dick Cheney's favorite post of mine...

For those of you who don’t know, this is the episode where Buffy goes after Caleb for the first time. She gets her ass kicked, several potential slayers die, and Xander loses an eye. Oh yeah — there were spoilers in that last sentence.

Caleb and these weird guys without eyes (the “Bringers”) are holed up in some weird barn looking thing on a vineyard. Buffy decides she needs to take them out so she gets her army and heads over there. At that point the whole thing goes kerplooey. Afterwards, she wants to go back and everyone bails on her. Her own sister kicks her out of the house. Harsh bud, bro.

The problem was Buffy attempted a frontal assault and got defeated, handily, by her enemy. Caleb is stronger than her and the Slayer potentials are just weak. Buffy’s main strategy in combat — close quarters hand-to-hand — is an effective one in this case.

Here’s what she should’ve done.

Get some machine guns. A lot of them. Aim them at all the doors from fixed points pretty far away. When the Bringers and Caleb come out, shoot them. A lot. Shoot them in the face. Shoot them in the chest, in the legs, in the junk, etc. These guys aren’t that tough. Knives can bring down the Bringers, and Caleb is only tough in close quarters. Solution: shoot them in the face. Dick Cheney them, as it were.

How should Buffy get them to leave the barn? I’m glad you asked. The barn is made out of wood and stone. So here’s what you do: when the machine guns are in place, fire bomb the shit out of it. Just start throwing Maltovs like you were playing GTA IV. Eventually, the jackasses inside the barn will get the picture and leave. When they do, they get shot in the face. Done. Caleb is killed, the First needs a whole mess of Bringers, and Xander still has both eyes.

What’s really irritating is Buffy has used this strategy before. When she went up against the Judge, another devastating hand-to-hand opponent, home girl used a goddamned rocket launcher. That’s forward thinking. That’s being pro-active and getting shit done.

He got blowed the F up...

In conclusion, when in doubt, shoot people in the face.

Oh, and about that Seal in the basement of the school. You know the one — it’s where all the killer Uber Vamps come from. Here’s a solution: concrete. Lots and lots of concrete. Fill the damn room full of concrete and then go have a shake. Easy, right? Somehow the idea of using a lot concrete to seal up a room eluded a crew that includes a dude that works in construction.