That’s the question I constantly ask myself, I’m 20 years old , I come from a African family where things like anxiety, depression , mental illness is a “tabu” . I have been depressed since I was 17, I became empty, distant, unhappy and very confused. I started to have suicidal thoughts because I didn’t know who to talk to about this feelings, I was afraid nobody would understand, would think I’m crazy or psycho... I’m 20 now I’m still empty , confused and unhappy, I never show it though, I’m very good at pretending everything is alright . But when I’m by myself I overthink everything and it’s always dark thoughts, my insecurities, everything. I hate myself, I hate the fact that I can’t feel normal like other people.... I just want to be happy and normal !!! I don’t really know how it feels to be happy without faking it. I also have been to Church and I always pray... still the inner peace , the confidence, the happiness does not last. I just wish I could talk to my family about it but since they won’t understand, I just ignore it, and pretend I don’t feel anything... this is also affecting my relationships, when I’m dating someone, some days I’m very happy other days I just ignore them and act like don’t know them, then I break up.

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Janice30 - I read you come from an African family, and wonder where you live. Knowing might help someone who wants to reply to you. I hope you get the help you need to get onto the path to where you want to be.

I can understand it would be difficult for you to speak with your family and Community but you do need to talk with a professional and I have listed some below, please do speak, ring or email as soon as possible.

Beat run a helpline for people experiencing an eating disorder. The telephone number for support and information is 0808 801 0677 open 3pm to 10pm, 365 days a year, or you can email help@beateatingdisorders.org.uk

BIpolar UK has an information and support line open weekdays, 9am - 5pm on 0333 323 3880

CALM. If you’re a man experiencing distressing thoughts and feelings, the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is there to support you. They’re open from 5pm–midnight, 365 days a year. Their national number is 0800 58 58 58, and they also have a webchat service if you’re not comfortable talking on the phone.

Mind doesn’t offer a crisis line but gives plenty of support and information.

Tel: 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri, 9am – 6pm, except Bank Holidays).

Email: info@mind.org.uk

Text: 86463

OCD Action helps those affected by OCD. Tel: 0845 390 6232, email support@ocdaction.org.uk or find out about local support groups in your area.

OCD UK has an advice line usually open weekdays between 10am–4pm. Tel: 0345 120 3778, or you can email them at support@ocduk.org

Papyrus - are a national charity for the prevention of young suicide. They offer a specialist telephone service staffed by trained professionals who give non-judgemental support, practical advice and information to children, teenagers and young people up to the age of 35. Tel: 0800 068 41 41 Email pat@papyrus-uk.org or text 07786 209697 Opening hours Mon-Fri: 10am-10pm, weekends: 2pm-10pm & Bank Holidays: 2pm-5pm

Rethink Mental Illness directly supports almost 60,000 people every year across England to get through crises, to live independently and to realise they are not alone. Tel 0300 5000 927 (Monday to Friday 9.30am – 4pm).

Samaritans is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, to listen to anything that is upsetting you, including intrusive thoughts and difficult thoughts of suicide and self-harm.

Freephone: 116 123

Email them jo@samaritans.org or visit them at your local branch.

Samaritans also offer a Welsh Language Line on 0808 164 0123 (from 7pm–11pm only, seven days a week).

SANE offers emotional support and information from 4:30pm–10:30pm, 365 days a year.