I told two of my closest friends they could come over to help me pack up books and things to put into storage. (Side note: most expensive moving help ever, both are doctors)I asked another local friend if he could help m put together some storage cabinets

These are pretty big steps for me since I tend to be fiercely independent and a do-it-mysef type... And have always previously put together all of my own furniture that needs assembling. But I am learning to accept and ask for help which I will need to do in many ways along this journey.

Ever since I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 14 years ago, my husband did all of the long distance and inclement weather driving. I never had a good sense of direction and always found long distance driving in unfamiliar territory a bit stressful, but after my diagnosis, I didn't trust myself. My cognitive symptoms scared me.

Since my husband passed in January, I was forced to get back out there in all kinds of weather. Having grown up in the country, navigating snowy roads came right back to me. Driving in icy conditions scared the hell out of me.

However, the biggest challenge arrived yesterday, when I had to travel 35 miles to a destination I have never been to before. I hadn't even traveled to this town since years before my diagnosis and was not at all familiar with the section of town I needed to go to.

Everyone who I know with a vehicle works during the day, so I had no choice but to venture out on my own, praying most of the way.

This was a very important appointment. The folks at Social Security Disability were sending me to see a doctor for an independent evaluation of my symptoms, and I knew that his opinion would feature prominently in their decision to deny me, as almost everyone is denied after their initial application.

Sadly, the fact that I drove myself was met with shocked disapproval. Every staff member I saw asked if I had done so, and every one of their faces mirrored my "mistake". By the time the doctor inquired, I was ready to explain why and how difficult it was for me to do so. I doubt that mattered.

Nevertheless, I made it up there and back with only a few unsure moments and wrong turns. Once again a fear evolved into a feeling of empowerment. And for that, I am so very grateful.

This discussion has shown me that sometimes it's okay to not "accomplish" anything of note.

I have a different perspective on a lot of this. My husband had a brain tumor for sixteen years. The last three were particularly difficult, and I spent the majority of my time attending to him. I accomplished a lot just by sitting by his bed and letting him know I was there.

When I lost him, I became super super productive. All of the things I had put off, I embraced. Everyday when I went to bed, I could count ten to twenty accomplishments.

But those accomplishments, while nice, were, in a sense, an avoidance strategy on my part. After looking over this discussion, I realized I needed to leave time for being sad, for grieving, for quiet reflection, for anger or for whatever emotion I might be having.

So, I hope that when people have days that seem to have been nothing more than standing in one place and being miserable, they say, "Hmm, maybe just giving myself a day like this is an accomplishment, too. Tomorrow, maybe, I'll have a different type of day."

I confess, I'm a little envious that you have something that smells like your sweet husband. Someone told me the first day or so to find something that smelled like my Jim and put it in a Ziploc bag-- but I didn't have anything. The clothes he wore to the hospital never came home, and he'd been doing laundry when he died. The last thing he said, according to my daughter-- while he was gasping to breathe-- was "Put the clothes in the dryer."

I managed not to have a meltdown today. Given how I've been feeling lately, that's pretty good. :-/

Logged

I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

I was actually doing laundry the day he collapsed at work and continued to do a few loads while he was in the hospital thinking he needs clean sleepy pants when he came home. I knew he wouldn't be going back to work for a while after the hospital so I saved those for last. Thank goodness I did.

Although I am not a newbie, I am still struggling through the days, especially mornings. So yesterday on my way into work (late as usual), a lady smiled at me. So I looked down to make sure everything was okay and I made a mental note that I had accomplished one thing. I was wearing pants. Baby steps.

The past 2 weeks/weekends have been particularly rough and emotional for me. E always helped me with the house work and yard work on his days off. I have been feeling overwhelmed at the amount of things that I have to take care of by myself.

So, I have to post that I cleaned the carpet in my bedroom today. I moved all of the furniture myself and will be buying new bedding, curtains and sheets. I just need a bright, cheery, smells good (3 dogs) bedroom.

I have no idea what got into me this morning but I started to organize (read: moderate version of cleaning) the house and packing up a massive bag full of stuff to throw away. Good, but not a biggie because that stuff is mine. Then I decided that it is time to give away some pants and whatever is left in the closet of his. Good... open closet door and bam, I immediately felt ill just by touching something I wasn't going to give a way but what I needed to move to get to the pile I was about to go through. Nope, close door, next closet, his suit shirts. Bam, hysterical crying. What is wrong with me, I was thinking. I've been doing great and now this? Sheesh, can't do this. I made a mental note to ask my sister to come and help me with that stuff.

I organized stuff elsewhere in the house and then thought, Ok Tweet, just look at the pants that still have price tag on them. Tadaa! all of a sudden I have 2 bags full of suit shirts, pants and stuff to drag to my sister's husband and dad to try out. WOHOO!!!! Even with a rocky start, I DID IT!!!!!

I'm past the 1 year mark, just to put perspective time wise Last time I downsized anything was in January, so I suppose by year 3 I may even have gotten to near normal amount of stuff around the house.