Upright Citizens Brigade

Realtor: This is the Hot Chicks Room. The breakfast table's just over this way...

Wife: Excuse me? What was that room again?

Realtor: Oh, this is the Hot Chicks Room. It's filled with assorted hot chicks, who party in here 24 hours a day. But you'd be more interested in the kitchen...

Wife: You know what? We're not going to need a sexy chicks room.

Realtor: Well, actually it's a Hot Chicks Room.

Wife: Well, whatever it is, we don't need it.

Husband: You said the same thing about the microwave, and we use that darned thing all the time.

Husband: So, a Hot Chicks Room, huh?

Realtor: Yes. The previous owner installed the room in the 80's, and I'll be honest with you, some of the chicks aren't all that hot anymore. However, they are replaceable.

(lull)

Realtor: So, you have children? Wonderful. My parents had children as well.

"Man, I'm just so tired of all these Star Wars..."

"The Power of Spitty Slurpy is all around us!"

"We'd rather have a gun in the outfield, than under a mattress where a child could get to it." -Joe Auxillary, UCB Director of Health Services

“This is a urinal cake, not a real cake.”

“I made this bong out of a dildo I found. It's name is bonga-longa-dingdong”

"Well, Sgt. This whole operation is FUBAR!"

I paid the psychotonimists over $4,000 because they promised me they could cure me of being white. And after they brainwashed me into believing I was an African-American I moved to the ghetto and upon greeting my first African-American brother he beat me mercilessly. And all I said was, "Hey, my nigger."

"They didn't even get the lyrics to 'Screwing Cats Doggie Style'!"

"Humans rule, dolphins can suck it!"

"Captain Lunatic: I didn't fight a secret war in Nicaragua so you could walk the streets of freedom, badmouthing Lady America in your damn mirrored sunglasses!"