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Friday, December 27, 2013

Frisky Friday: NYE

Now that Christmas is over and I didn't get Michael Fassbender in my stocking (What kind of shit is that?), let's talk about how to party like it's 1999 for New Year's Eve. I've never been out on New Year's Eve, unless you count house parties in college (meaning New Year's was no different from any other night of the week), so you know my advice is sound.For married people with kids:Step One: Find a venue that any other night would be totally reasonably priced for drinks, and over pay for admission. Then pay for drinks on top of that.Step Two: Get hammered by 9:30, because hey, it's late for you. Your kid is gonna be up at 5am, mkay?Step Three: Bail by 11:00 to beat the traffic. And also because you're tired. Who even cares about NYE?

For married people without kids:Step One: Find a venue that any other night would be totally reasonably priced for drinks, and over pay for admission. Then pay for drinks on top of that.Step Two: Arrive by 9:00. Silently judge all the skanks with better bodies than you. Drink chardonnay.Step Three: Give your spouse a peck on the lips at the anti-climactic strike of midnight.

For single people:Step One: Find a venue that any other night would be totally reasonably priced for drinks, and over pay for admission. Then pay for drinks on top of that.Step Two: Don't even leave the house until 10:30. Of course you're pre-partying at home, just pump that tequila into your veins. Girls: Make sure the little clothing you're wearing has something sparkly on it. It's fucking NYE and you better dress appropriately.Step Three: Just...try not to get pregnant.

For single parents:Step One: Find a venue that any other night would be totally reasonably priced for drinks, and over pay for admission. Then pay for drinks on top of that.Step Two: Also pay out the ass for a babysitter.Step Three: Get buzzed on cheap drinks because you spent all of your money on the sitter. Come to the drunken realization that partying on New Year's is for young, single people. Go home and give your kids a big hug.