A few weeks ago I unleashed my latest review upon the world, an updated version of an article I wrote sometime last year about a game released in 2001. Despite my obvious commitment to cutting-edge, up-to-the-minute journalism, the kind of journalism that is simply too extreme for non-hyphenated adjectives, certain people read the article and came to the inevitable conclusion that because I hate a game from Korea, I also want every Korean in the world to die. These certain people apparently decided that the best way to express their displeasure with my article was to send me long, rambling, angry messages informing me that I am both a “stereotyped motherfucker” and a “dickcunt-sucking shitlick.” How did I react to such a sudden and brutal onslaught of flame mail from people who apparently thought up insults by randomly copying and pasting titles from hentai games? You will find out when you see a sample of the hateful and scathing messages I have been smacked upside the chops with, in this first and only episode of...WHEN RAGNAROKKERS ATTACK!

Since I uninstalled Ragnarok Online about eight or nine nanoseconds after I wrote the original article about it, I was afraid I wouldn't have any pictures for this article. Fortunately forum goon Shizuka saved the day, offering some high-quality screenshots of himself confusing the hell out of other people in the game!Before we proceed to the parade of idiots, be sure to note that my article was not a Truthmedia review, and was not written intentionally to get people to flame SA. In fact, I anticipated a few people might be upset that I was insulting Ragnarok Online for a massive gameplay flaw that all MMORPGs have, so to deter them from emailing me I mentioned that my criticism of the game should be taken with a grain of salt, since I have never enjoyed an MMORPG. However, this paragraph did not stop some people from reaching three highly scientific conclusions.

I made fun of a game from Korea, therefore I hate Koreans. I did not differentiate between North and South Korea in the article, therefore I am unaware that they are two separate countries. I insulted Ragnarok Online, therefore I enjoy licking shit and sucking dickcunts (whatever those might be).

With those three points in mind, let’s take a look at the first message from the young and vibrant Derek Seagal, who seamlessly combines a complaint about racism with some very interesting “Everquest is bad too, therefore Ragnarok Online is good” logic. Let’s take a look!

There is a reason why you go to RTC. You are an ignorant person. Korea's pastimes are: Killing random things Eating dogs Killing random dogs and then eating them. I understand that this is for a site where people can go to laugh and have a good time, but perhaps you can write about something you are knowledgable about instead of looking up some quick "411" on a topic. Due to the fact that some country has domesticated the animal means that it is the only way to treat the animal and any other things done to it is wrong? Sir, please understand that dogs and cows are both animals, but it's ok to eat cows without being persecuted? No, this is an injustice that many Americans commit. Attempting to get laughs by exploiting a misleading stereotype is pathetic at most. The fact that you down play the game by presenting the readers with little to no information about the actual game is a sign of very poor writing and I quote, "Ragnarok Online is a massively multiplayer point-and-click RPG, meaning you can play it without having to use cumbersome things like your keyboard or your brain." In that statement, you clearly declare that Ragnarok Online is a game that does not require any intellegence to play, however what is there in Everquest that is so hard? Is it not another game where all you must to to advance is put in countless hours? I quote once again, "First you find an enemy, meaning anything wandering around that isn't a player. Then you click on it, and your ... but that's no excuse for this game getting played in America." I guess in Everquest you don't kill things to level up? What about that quality of Everquest that when you level up and then die, you lose your level? How great is that? Also, you slander the ability of Koreans to speak/write english when you said, "The English version looks like it was written by a 12-year-old Chinese boy who was clubbed senseless, shipped to America in a sealed cask and allowed 5 minutes to read a Berenstain Bears book to learn English before being chained to a chair and forced to write a website on a 386 laptop with a monochrome monitor that randomly turns itself on and off." Would you like to compare the literacy rates of second languages in Korea and America? Sir, when you started to make comments about different cultures that you have close to no information on, it was too much. Making fun of RO, whatever, for laughs, but targeting a whole country and saying that their practices are inhumane just because they disagree with what you have been told is 100% out of line. You must be open to other cultures and ideas or you will be the same ignorant person. Please take this as advice and learn from your horrific mistakes.

Ruh roh, he’s on to me! You see, by mentioning that people eat dogs in Korea I was actually condemning the entire Korean culture for heinously allowing people to eat a noble creature that inhabits millions of American homes and heroically performs important duties like “shitting on the carpet” and “repeatedly attempting to eat any object smaller than your house.” Most of you readers foolishly thought my comment about dog-eating was a joke, but good ol’ Derek Seagal saw through that facade and realized the horrible, horrible truth: when it looks like I’m reviewing a game, I’m really reviewing an entire race of people! AND THE KOREANS SCORED A ZERO!