Hey kids! Tired of lame old camps where you play soccer, sing songs and roast marshmallows? Welcome to our new summer camps:

Camp Funny Faces
This camp will teach you the basics of plastic surgery, then you get to practice on our “volunteers”! See the hilarious results as they look themselves in a mirror to admire your masterpieces! Fun for 5 to 12 years old.

Character Building Underground Fun Camp
Want to learn the value of hard work? Try our Character Building Underground Fun Camp where you will whistle and smile while pushing carts full of coal 3 km underground for 16 hours a day. After 2 months, your friends will admire your pale complexion and your sparkling red eyes!

Instead of asking for higher wages, more vacation time and retroactive whatnots, we should demand more important things on picket lines:

“Abolish sleep!”
Without sleep, we could be more productive, spend more time practising our hobbies, going to the gym, watching movie and sipping cocktails on the beach!

“Less gravity!”
With reduced gravity, we could walk much further, jump higher, carry more bags, use less fuel on our planes and rockets…

“Slow down the earth!”
With the Earth rotating slower, our days would be longer, thus allowing us to do more things in a day! We should also demand for a slower rotation around the Sun to make the years longer.

Interior designers and painters break into houses when people are sleeping to repaint and decorate their kitchens, bathrooms or even bedrooms.
They have to make sure to cut those pesky alarm system wires before they begin their intrusion and dress up as ninjas.
Before leaving, they hide camera to watch the reaction of the house owners.

The Nose

Blindfolded contestants have to smell people and guess who they are. Highlights of the show include a 80 homeless man with chronic diarrhea, a sweaty sumo and a sardine worker.

Win it Back

An hilarious reality TV contest where 5 random strangers are abducted and one of their organs removes. They are then invited to guess which one is their organ. If they guess correctly, they can have it back!

Mile-High Roulette

5 contestants are pushed down a plane with only 4 of them having a real parachute. Each round, one of the contestants gets flattened, while the final remaining contestant wins the $50,000 prize.

Concept:
Matter is mostly empty space so a solid surface is only an illusion. The atoms themselves are mostly empty space as the particles are very small compared to the size of the atom. The idea is to compress matter by collapsing the empty space between the atoms — very much like how we compress computer files by removing empty spaces and mapping where the spaces should be.

Application:
Compressed Hydro-balls. A sphere the size of a ping-pong ball could contain the same amount of water as an Olympic-size pool. We could use those balls to easily ship large quantity or water to irrigate farms or desert.

Problems:

The ping-pong-size Hydro-Ball would weight exactly the same as all the water contained in an Olympic-size pool, which holds 88,287 cubic feet of water. Each cubic foot of water weighs 62.43 pounds. The tiny Hydro-Ball would they weigh 5.5 million pounds or 2.5 million kilos. Imagine shipping a box full of Hydro-Balls…

Finding a way to keep matter from re-expending would be amazingly difficult.

Developing a release mechanism to expend the content of the ball — water — slowly would be next to impossible. Imagine 88,287 cubic feet of water expending from the size of a ping-pong ball to an Olympic pool in 1 nanosecond. It would be similar to an atomic bomb exploding.

Avoiding misuses would be very tricky. Imagine someone who expand a Hydro-Ball in his living room or his car.

Show everyone around the table how you can fit your fist in your mouth.

On a sunny day, arrive at the meeting with your clothes and hair totally soaked.

Bring a canned laugh machine to emphasize your jokes and a clapping machine to cheer what you say something quasi deep.

Lower every chairs but raise yours. You’ll look much taller.

Before the meeting, place a small mirror, a razor blade and a small amount of sugar on the table, in front of all the seats. Watch who tries it discreetly.

Fill half the chairs with blow-up dolls dressed in 3-piece suits.

Spend 20 minutes to set a laptop, a tablet, 2 smart phones and a portable printer. Then use only pen and paper for the meeting.

When visiting a new company, pretend to be mute and request all communications to be written. At the end of the meeting, thank them verbally.

Warm people before the meeting that you have STS (Selective Tourette Syndrome) triggered by obscure business jargon and yell obscenities every time people mention “leveraging the paradigm shift”, or “Incentivise the top-tier multi-mode architecture”.

Ghosts, with all their limitations, can still be invaluable friends. By being able to go through walls, disappearing on command, being invisible and floating in mid air, they can help you in many ways:

Spying: They can go see what your competitors are doing and report back to you.

Blackmailing: You can easily gather monetary gain from people’s embarrassing secrets. This is your chance to use that proverbial “fly on the wall”.

Recon: Ghosts can’t really transport anything heavy, so they are pretty useless at stealing gold bars or bags of money for you. But they can look around for you to find safe combination, passwords, names on a list, PIN numbers, etc. No need to learn complicated and illegal hacking techniques with you’re friend with a ghost.

Pranks: With ghosts, the potential for pranks is endless. A head coming out of the toilet, an empty suit chasing your friends, body parts in the soup, a torso peeking through the wall… You’ll never be bored again!

Pretending to have psychic powers: With otherworldly connections, your ghost friend can tell you about your customer’s deceased family members to make you look like the big shot who charges the big bucks.

Preparation: One day, you might have the chance of turning into a ghost yourself, so learn the trick now!

Chemical Food WarIn this cooking competition, 5 chefs compete by creating dishes using a basket of ingredients, plus a shelf full of expired prescription drugs. Dishes are judges on taste, presentation and side effect.

Prechewbaccah
Pre-chewed food is all the rage! A team of 3 chefs travel the world to experience the delicacies of pre-chewed cuisine. Yum!

Look Who’s Steaming!
On hidden-camera, a group of chefs feed unsuspecting tourist 5-alarm chili. The chef who cause the most damage wins.

Chemical Food WarIn this cooking competition, 5 chefs compete by creating dishes using a basket of ingredients, plus a shelf full of expired prescription drugs. Dishes are judges on taste, presentation and side effect.

Prechewbaccah
Pre-chewed food is all the rage! A team of 3 chefs travel the world to experience the delicacies of pre-chewed cuisine. Yum!

Look Who’s Steaming!
On hidden-camera, a group of chefs feed unsuspecting tourist 5-alarm chili. The chef who cause the most damage wins.

I went downstairs very quietly, grabbing my baseball bat on the way. What I saw left me puzzled and shocked as I peeked through the doorway.

An out of shape bearded old man in a dirty and torn red suit was looking through my wallet. The TV was smashed, most of my DVDs were missing and there was a repugnant odor of vomit and cheap beer emanating from my once pristine living room.

The most disturbing aspect of that sad scene was probably the dried blood stains on his urine-soaked pants. Just before running out of the house, my eyes stopped on the dark curved shape just above his belt  Santa was armed.

Dr. Martin, if you can’t watch basketball and do your double-bypass surgery, I’ll have to turn off the game.

It seems Dr. Martin forgot his watch and his coffee mug in you abdomen during the surgery. Any chance you can drop by next week?

The experimental anti-depressant medication I put you on for 2 years actually created a full fledge violent psychopathic multiple personality disorder. My bad.

Dear sir, your new heart and lungs have been recalled due to cyanide contamination. Please return them in the yellow envelope in the next 5 business days.

Miss, I can assure you the low cost sugar beverage now replacing your blood will do just fine.

Dear sir, you’ll be glad to hear that we took the liberty to optimize your body during the routine root canal. We took out about 4 buckets of stuff. If you think we took things you need to stay alive, please come back and we’ll put it back, free of charge.

Well, your critical brain operation cost $375,000. If money is an issue, I know a blind surgery enthusiast who can do it in the back of his van for $350. He’s pretty good with the steak knife.

Aphrodisiacs are used since the dawn of time. It is a huge market, particularly in China, for some reasons.

Did you ever stop and think about HOW people found out some substances make them horny?

Some of them might have been eaten as part of a regular meal  chocolate, asparagus or oysters for example. Then the guy noticed that his pants were tighter than usual and that he wanted to jump the farm girl.

Some of them are herbs. We could imagine indigenous guys walking in the forest, very hungry. They pick up some leaves or some foul smelling roots and chew them. Then, BOUM!, full erection!

Some other popular aphrodisiacs could NOT have been tested by accident. Someone walks with a lab coat and a clipboard, and sample everything on the whole planet, then note the effect in their pants it seems. Here are few:

Spanish Fly: the dried, crushed body of the green blister beetle known as Cantharis Vesicatoria. I won’t even ask how the first guy found out about this one.

Rhinoceros Horn: used by some tribes in Northern India. It is said to make men sexually unstoppable. Unfortunately, the “horny” play on word only works in English, unless the “horn” and “horny” are both “naboualabito’hah” in Sanskrit.

Tiger Penis: A much revered as an aphrodisiac in China, Taiwan and South Korea. A Tiger Penis soup is sold for up to $350 per bowl. Who is the first guy who thought: let’s catch a tiger, cut-off his pecker, chew on it for a while, then try with the old lady to see if we notice a difference?

Powdered Reindeer Antlers: How would guys in Asia know that the reindeers possess a strong aphrodisiac in their antlers, but only when you grind them up?

Since guys take obviously anything to get aroused, what about selling them things we have too much of, like Northern Ontario Black Flies, Powered Rat’s Tails, Fried Pigeon Livers or Cockroach Tea?

Immolation
Based on a desire to know what the marshmellow feels like while roasting in the campfire, immolation is the act of transforming onself into an inspiring lighthouse, using only gasoline and matches.

Defenestration
A sudden need for fresh air is encouraging you to jump out the window and try to fly like a bird. Free at last! (from the French word “fenêtre”  literally, “Out of the window”.

Trepanation
The gentle act of slowly drilling a hole in your head to release the pressure. This should stop those voices from barking orders in your head.

You have a big meeting and you don’t like the way you look? Hire a BodySynch from Ideum. Those LipSynching professionals will speak your works real-time with our patented Puppet 2 way communication system. Come in 3 male styles (hunky poet, successful CEO, bulky marine) and 3 female styles (elegant model, enticing waitress, mysterious executive). Now you can sound smart and look good too!