Wedges and I: why did Louboutin have to ruin our great love affair?

Ah, now this is an interesting issue, Tanya, for it is one that touches on several other interesting issues, namely, Kate née Middleton and Christian Louboutin. Only about seven or eight years ago, wedges were the somewhat off-piste lady's alternative to heels, the happy option for those who didn't want to be part of the spindly heel brigade, and who couldn't walk in heels anyway.

Phoebe Philo – née Chloé, now Céline – pretty much masterminded the rise of the wedge in more ways than one. Alongside floaty empire-line dresses, embroidered blouses and high-waisted pale jeans, wedge shoes were part of the Chloé woman's idealised 1970s look that was so beloved in the past decade despite looking – to be brutally honest – like a bit of a mess on anyone who wasn't Philo or a model. Wedge shoes, though, were the one ingredient in that pot that were actually wearable and even flattering on those of us who are shorter than 6ft 2in and are fond of eating pasta, which is why they became my most beloved shoe style pretty much through the years of, oh, 2003 – 2009. To me, they just seemed like the holy freaking grail: a shoe that gave me height, which was useful when I wanted to reach things on the top shelf, but without making me feel like I was going to fall over and break my neck. I could be lifted to the skyscraper-like height of all of 5ft 7in (call Guinness World Records!), yet didn't feel like some Elizabeth Hurley-esque Jimmy Choo-sporting piece of Eurotrash. Me and wedges: it was like the most beautiful love story ever penned. Romeo and Juliet, Troilus and Cressida, Wesley and Buttercup – these couples looked at us andwished they had known the deep love shared by the wedges and me.

But then, the storm clouds drew in. Like all great loves, the wedges and I were beset by enemies who were determined – if perhaps unwittingly – to destroy us. And tragically, they succeeded.

First, there was Christian Louboutin shoes the man who shoulders the credit – or blame, if you're looking at it from my perspective – for hoiking up heels to frankly unwalkable heights. I have seen shoes in Louboutin shop windows that have heels that are taller than me. Louboutin has always said he was inspired to make shoes by the dancing women he had seen in Le Palace, a Parisian nightclub, and at times Louboutin seems to be designing just for these dancers as opposed to your offstage lady. But despite the increasing ludicrousness of Louboutin's shoes, for a good few years he managed to convince the fashion world that higher equals better, and, tragically, the wedge followed suit. I recently rediscovered a pair of wedges in my closet I bought in about 2007, which seemed, at the time, insanely high. Compared with those made by, say, Charlotte Olympia, these days they are practically ballet flats.

So that was one problem with wedges. Then another arrived and its name was Kate Middleton.

Now, before I am accused of pulling a Hilary Mantel (note the "a" in that sentence, please), allow me to say on record that I am sure Ms Middleton/Mrs Wales/Queenie-in-waiting/whatever is a very nice person. She has a sparkly smile, and her hair should be a tourist attraction. However, contrary to what the rightwing press in this country seem to believe, not all women want to dress like her and one of those women is definitely me.

It's nothing personal, Kate – it's just not my style, and that's OK, let's shake on it. But because I quickly learned to associate Middleton with non-me style, I associated everything she wore with non-me style, even things I once liked, namely, wedge shoes. What once seemed slightly offbeat now looked irredeemably sloaney.

And just like that, Middleton with her LK Bennett wedges stuck the (wedge-heeled) boots into a long and deep love affair.

But you ask me, dear Tanya, what your wedges should look like. Well, they should give you a lift, but not so much that they render you immobile. Look out for ones that have extra thin wedges as these do not work, repeat, they do not work. You will tip over before you can say, "Why the hell did I buy these stupid shoes?" Get a pair in black as these can be your new basic going-out shoes, as you can dance in them without suffering the hell high heels give you. And, finally, I happen to know someone with a closetful of wedge shoes she no longer wears for very high-minded reasons, so send a cheque for a reasonable amount to the usual address and my people will talk to your people.