No HATE No More

LET IT FLOW LIKE WATER

I’m failed.
The Coffee Shop has no meaning now. I’m failed in manage it. Too many intervention that I can’t deal with it. I can’t accept it to be honest.

I always the “Fool” for whatever happens. My decisions, my movements, my thinking, my ideas, all sounded more idiot to my ears every time these all become a hot topic on the table. She laughing, blaming and pointing herself as the “Genius” one.

And I feel that I’m being used. All things I built and arrange slowly taken over by her. Nobody thinking about running a Coffee Shop before, but when I start it, she then as if using her brain. My drinks sold out, she starts to sell drinks too. All agreements we agreed before is like a fog: thick but then disappear. And so we were before my Coffee Shop opened. People who are order for foods from her place are welcomed in my place and she only selling foods while I’m selling drinks. But it turns out that she sells various drinking too after a month went by.

My mom always said “Just let it go. She needs it more than you need it. We must pity her, she raises her child herself. Your life is much better than her, you’re more lucky than her. Can’t you see it?!”

Lucky what?
She cheats me!?? – hey!!!!
My mother, she never understand from the first time she united me with this women, that was the first time in my life I cursed my Mother. My mother only thinking about how to save our family face but never realize that she just sent me to the chasm of doom.

I no longer handling my father property. She took it. So all my ideas to make this property to be better are like a piece of shit. My Father more trust her than me, even the plans we have arranged together as if nonsense for him. The more I try to convince him, the more he hates me.

Sometime I think Mom was right. In this case I have to let it go. Let her taking handle all the property matters. But I can’t let her to take over my Coffee Shop. That’s my idea, I spent my savings in to it and how can I let her ruins my dreams?!

Only my Mother (maybe) who always said to me that she needs it more than I need my Coffee Shop. That she needs money to raise her child. Then who was firstly care when I’m in need? No one !!! Who fuckin’ care that I also have ά dream? No one, eh ..?

This is unfair that I have always being not considered. And if I tell this to Mom she will deny it. She said “You and her are just the same in my eyes. I love you both without any difference. But it just a words for me, because the fact isn’t like that.

My parents (in my eyes) keep busy in helping her to survive while they never know that I’m dying here. Irony, isn’t it?

I have dreams, just like others. I will do anything to reach them. But it seems like nobody hear me when one tries to ruins my life, as if I have no family, or as if they are suddenly deaf when I have my words.

I always called “The Fool” for ideas and plans that I’m going or have built. But when finally this “Fool” ideas runs good, why it suddenly taken over? Why she never thinking that she just rob my “Fool” thinking??? I see her happiness when she did it not irritated like when she called me “The Fool”. And when it happens, nobody stand by me, but words for me to let it go.

Better silent from now I think. My Guru is just the same. He asks me to let it flow! I asked to believe that whatever happens – it’s a bless !!! But I have never cursed my Guru. I don’t know, maybe because I’m scared he would bewitching me, maybe??? Uhmm…

My Guru is too divine if I can describe. Too logic-too patient-too wise. Sometime I think he pretending to be like that but most every time I feel lucky that I found him, that he the only one who willing to hear my complaints.

But I’m still dying even more. My Guru only gives me one recipe to end my grief: “Let It flow like water. Let the earth guide you to the place where you can achieve your dreams”

And it means I’m failed or the worse I’m broke (again). My Coffee Shop is only a memory. A memory of a fool who spent her money in it. A memory of a greedy women who keep calling me “The Fool” – and she’s my sister.

Now I’m waiting for the “water and earth” to guide me. I don’t know when or how, but I hope my Guru words will find it’s truth. And when I writing these down, I feel deeply in grief. Because again and again I have to let it go.