The Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) released their 2018 Annual Report recently. We’re going to be talking about quite a few elements of that report in the days to come. But first, though, let’s wander afield a bit with one of the leaders of this disgraced denomination. Come check out this bizarre segue from the report! Today,Lord Snow Presides over the fundagelical hate-fear relationship with snakes.

(CALL AND RESPONSE: When I say “supernatural” in today’s post, you call back “NOT REAL!”

Supernatural?

NOT REAL!

Supernatural?

…)

Why Does It Always Have to Be Snakes?

Please turn with me to page 105 of the SBC’s Annual Report.

Here, we find Steve Gaines waxing eloquent in the waning hours of his reign as the SBC’s president before handing the title over to J.D. Greear. He gives a tedious, long-winded, meandering, deception-filled sermon about what he claims is the “supernatural” nature of his god. He’s trying to make a case for his god’s protection being “supernatural” in nature, which I suppose is actually true given that it’s supernatural means it isn’t real.1

In the middle of pretending to establish his claim, Gaines suddenly explodes with a segue:

Paul was out there building a fire by bringing in the wood and all a sudden, a viper shows up. May I just make a statement? I HATE SNAKES. If you like snakes, you need counseling. Every snake is a bad snake. All of a sudden a snake comes out and grabs Paul by the hand. Imagine a snake hanging off your hand! I would be running and you’d never catch me! But notice what Paul does – he just shakes it off in the fire! THAT is a man of God. I’m gonna hire that guy, amen! That’s the guy I want on my staff – someone who can have a snake bite him and not be worried about it.

This whole bit of the sermon felt so totally out of left field that I had to just laugh! Could anything even be more fundagelical than this?

(Mr. Captain: “I don’t know who that guy is, but you need to keep an eye on him. He is exactly the kind of guy who’d burgle a turd.”)

Yet Another Marker Belief.

His fear and hatred are so great that he expects every other TRUE CHRISTIAN™ on the planet to fear and hate them as well. Indeed, he equates fearing and hating snakes with being a true and honest “man of God.” If someone doesn’t fear and hate snakes like he does, but can somehow stand being near them at all, even if the snake bites them, then he wants that man working for him. Only supernatural help could ever bring a person to any other place besides fear and hatred of snakes.

Even if we didn’t have copious evidence that plenty of people in other places and faith traditions think decently-well of the snake, we know that snakes perform a valuable role in nature. As one Florida worker at a dog kennel discovered, snakes control other pests like rats. Other types of snakes hunt insects, lizards, and even slugs and worms.

But in Christianity, especially the ends of it that Steve Gaines inhabits, snakes long ago became symbols of demonic power.

How the Devil Got His Fangs.

Sometime after the Old Testament’s last book was set to written record, around 165 BCE, Jewish people’s doctrines and beliefs began to shift. As that website about Biblical archeology puts it,

Two separate things happened and then merged: Satan became the proper name of the devil, a supernatural power now seen to oppose God as the leader of demons and the forces of evil; and the serpent in the Garden of Eden came to be identified with him.

These shifts occurred alongside a move toward belief in a final apocalypse, which Christians–especially fundagelicals–generally buy into even today. By the time the New Testament’s largely-anonymous scribes began developing Christianity’s supernatural ideas, Satan had firmly settled into the basic role he’d play in the religion for years to come. Other religions from that area and time shared this association of evil supernatural beings with snakes as well.

(It was definitely astumbling block for me as a teenybopper Christian to discover that why no, nothing in my religion was truly original.)

Little wonder that Christians see snakes as evil beings that they can kill and dominate as stand-ins for their supernatural boogeymen. Actual living snakes can summon a lot of bang for the violence buck, but most of them aren’t dangerous to people. Of the ones that are, people can easily enough defeat them, given time, proper equipment, and planning.

One flavor of Christianity–a particularly odious and extremist one at that–goes in for what’s called snake handling. People don’t know exactly when it started, but it seems like somewhere around the Victorian Age and in the southeastern United States. In this practice, an abused, starved, improperly kept snake gets manhandled by a fundagelical. This act happens while the fundagelical simpers loudly about how the New Testament totally gives them the power to handle snakes without getting hurt–as long as the game is 100% stacked against the snake, natch. (Hey, don’t ever expect a zealot to offer a fair fight to an enemy.2)

And that reindeer game works right up until these animal abusers get bitten anyway and die. Most researchers studying this topic estimate that about a hundred documented snake handlers have died this way. But the practice persists. The Christians who believe this twaddle conceptualize snake handling as the ultimate expression of hardcore faith for a TRUE CHRISTIAN™.

Could there even be anything more MURRIKIN than this?

SNEK FREN.

Snakes aren’t like a hugely popular pet, but they’re about as well-represented among household pets as hamsters are, according to one survey from 2016. Snake owners have become ever-more-vocal about the pleasure they derive from their danger noodles. Entire online and real-life groups exist for these pet owners (snek frens, though the term can also indicate the snakes themselves) to hang out together and share pictures of their pets.

Steve Gaines’ Tactical Mistake.

I grew up Catholic and immersed in folklore about the supernatural world. When I converted to the Southern Baptist Convention, it was almost a relief to discard all of my fears about demons and ghosts! But I noticed very quickly that my peers at school and in youth group at church still suffered from those fears and more besides.

So the notion that a Christian might need to innately fear snakes would have struck me as ridiculous back then. Whatever one demon disguised as a snake might have done eons ago, I knew snakes were not only a necessary but a valuable part of our world’s ecosystems.

Had I heard this sermon back then, I’d have immediately concluded that Steve Gaines doesn’t trust Jesus’ supernatural protection enough. Perfect love casts out fear, after all.3 But this dude dampens his trousers over just the idea of a snake in a mythical story.

I doubt these same Christians refrain from beating their animals just because Balaam’s donkey complained about being beaten after saving his master’s life from a vengeful angel. Just sayin’…

Today, Lord Snow Presides over a Christian who accidentally told us he doesn’t really take Jesus’ promises of supernatural protection seriously, and instead wages an unnecessary war against a perfectly natural and necessary part of the animal kingdom that his god supposedly created.

I’m not sure the maker of this video makes an accurate claim here, but it IS very cute.

NEXT UP: We look at the rest of the sermon–and guess what? It’s hilarious! See you next time. <3

Endnotes.

1DRINKING GAME: Every time you see the word “supernatural” in this post, mentally translate it to “imaginary” and take a drink. Disclaimer: Roll to Disbelieve takes no responsibility for anyone who gets alcohol poisoning from this suggestion. Please don’t take drinking advice from a blog written by a half-beer drunk. (Back to the post!)

2 Also, in the same part of the Bible, Jesus promises that believers can drink poison and not get hurt doing it–but one rarely sees Christians trying that. They can’t come up quite so easily with fake demonstrations involving poison, I suppose.(Back to the post!)

3 OMG I’m terrified of spiders. I try not to be, but OMG. I nope out like that octopus meme at the sight of one. Thankfully, Mr. Captain doesn’t share my fear. He escorts any spiders we find in the house outside, to let them enjoy lives of peaceful spiritual contemplation in nature. He’s scared of snakes, but we’ve never seen one in the house. (Back to the post!)

Lord Snow Presides is our off-topic weekly chat series. I’ve started us off on a topic, but feel free to chime in with anything on your mind. Pet pictures especially welcome! The series was named for Lord Snow, my recently departed white cat, who knew a lot more than he ever let on.

Captain Cassidy grew up fervently Catholic, converted to the SBC in her teens, and became a Pentecostal shortly afterward. She even married an aspiring preacher! But then--record scratch!--she brought everything to a screeching halt when she deconverted in her mid-20s. That was 25 years ago. Now a comfortable None, she blogs on Roll to Disbelieve about psychology, pop culture, politics, relationships, cats, gaming, and more--and where they all intersect with religion. You can read more about the author here.