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This has been a turbulent week for students at the
University of Pennsylvania, where professors are under pressure to combat the grade inflation that has been rising steadily since the ‘90s. Some
professors have been quick to criticize the new policy, arguing that the old
grading metrics need to be corrected for the social media and technology
addictions that have brought
down academic standards in schools and universities across the nation.

The decision to bring down grade inflation rates has been
met with unilateral outrage from student groups. Patrick Lalley (C ’18), a
graduating senior just five credits shy of his English degree, argues that this
policy is too far-reaching to be sprung on students with so little preamble.

“Many
of us didn’t even realize our grades were being inflated,” Lalley reflected
sadly. Lalley had intended to dedicate this semester to his thesis on the
intersection of young adult sci-fi/fantasy novels and erotica, but he fears that
this project may fall to the wayside as it becomes increasingly evident that
students must start attending classes in this cruel, dark world where a
‘C’ is average.

Crying? Me? No! I’m not crying. I mean, yes, there are tears in my eyes, but I’m definitely not sad. Sadness doesn’t happen at Penn, especially not right after Jeff breaks up with you at the table in the back of Saxby’s.

See the reason there are tears in my eyes is that, walking back from Saxby’s (in a great mood, mind you), the wind was so strong it blew a bunch of that snow salt in my eye. Do you know how much that stings? My tear ducts started having to work overtime to wash that toxicity out, and not because Jeff ripped my heart out while drinking a groothie.

Why are the tears still pouring out? Have you ever heard of something called winter allergies? The real killer isn’t pollen—it’s the constant smell of pine needles. And let me tell you, Saxby’s today was especially in the Christmas spirit.

Recently, many students have protested against Penn’s pre-professional culture and the seemingly few number of students who don’t pursue a career path in business, medicine, or law.

Josh Patchington (W ’18), who recently signed on to be an analyst at Bain Consulting in NYC next year, had something to say about the matter.

“Penn has such a toxic, pervasive, pre-professional culture,” wrote the incoming management consultant in an incendiary Facebook post. “People are so hyper-competitive that it makes me sick. Whatever happened to pursuing your passions and focusing on things besides money?”

In a stunning turn of events Thursday night, Brian Rice (W ’19) was forced to cancel an UberX and call an UberXL in order to accommodate Jeremy.

With the UberX only three minutes away from the house, Jeremy came downstairs and announced his intention to go downtown with the group. This brazen move increased the size of the group from four to five, requiring an UberXL.

“It was pretty shocking,” Brian said. “Jeremy said he was going to chill at home for the night, but I guess he decided last minute to come with us.”

Juul: it’s the oral fixation that’s sweeping the nation, and now there’s evidence that it’s an even more juvenile habit than we thought.

Research by the Wistar Institute for Biomedical Research on campus has yielded these interesting results. Penn students are well-known for pushing themselves too hard during grade school and, as a result, becoming washed up stoners by the time they get to college. According to psychological metrics taken by Wistar during their study (n = 420), Juuling offers a dual-purpose emotional remedy to this condition.

Students who Juul can indulge their washed-uppedness by maintaining a constant, mild buzz throughout the day. Previously, this was achievable only through cigarettes, but now students can keep it up during class while simultaneously reverting to the mouth-centric bliss of childhood.

Sam O’Neal (W ’21) takes pride in his networking abilities. He has read How to Win Friends and Influence People seven times now, and it has clearly paid dividends. The Finance concentrator has already lined up an internship at Goldman Sachs, and he claims that he’s just getting started.

“The kid is a total stud and has a much better knack for business than his older peers,” a recruiter told us.

To many recruiters, it may seem like O’Neal is a wholesome and likable guy. Yet it just so happens that he’s a total jerk. Shocking! Many of his classmates believe he lacks empathy and is just, for lack of a better term, “an asshole.”

The drop deadline is rapidly approaching, and midterms are already in full swing. Cole Barron (C '18) put off his Physical World requirement until his very last semester at Penn, and has a Geology midterm coming up. Naturally, Barron raised his hand eagerly in class on Monday to ask the professor if the midterms will be graded before the drop deadline. The professor replied, "Yes, they will be, as they always are. But Cole, you're a senior and you need this requirement to graduate. How could you possibly drop this class?"

Barron has been asking the same question every semester for the past four years. His performance on the midterms seems to be entirely contingent on whether or not grades come out before the drop deadline. In fact, he has enrolled in Geology 125 a total of seven times—once every semester since his freshman fall—and each time has simply dropped the class after receiving his midterm grade.

Which begs the question, will Barron pull through and get higher than a 26% on this upcoming test? Will the University let him graduate, perhaps without a sector fulfilled? We'll have to wait to find out.

In a groundbreaking move that has shattered the glass ceiling for cultural clubs everywhere, the Penn Taiwanese Society has accepted John Huang (C '21) into their organization, making him the first member of their club with a true Taiwanese heritage.

This club, based on an highly specific, small, and homogenized region of Asia, has members with a wide range of backgrounds, hailing from Madagascar, Liechtenstein, Massachusetts, and even New Jersey. There has always been one notable culture missing, however, with Taiwanese people failing to make the cut for the club.

“Here at PTS, we value inclusivity and diversity,” remarked Joseph Kim, a member of the PTS executive board who is half Korean and half Japanese. “Being Taiwanese should not restrict someone from joining the Penn Taiwanese Society. We believe that is unjust.”

It will be used to browse Facebook and do homework in Google Drive and Canvas.

The device is capable of complex 3D graphics and renderings, 4K multi-cam video editing, and graphics-intensive gaming. Zhao's use of the computer will take advantage of precisely none of these capabilities.