Bruce Schneier got a perfect score on his comp-sci degree. Just by writing Bruce Schneier for every answer.
Bruce Schneier memorizes his one time pads
Bruce Schneier can reverse any one-way cryptographic hash, just by staring it in the eye
Bruce Schneier once found the inverse of a trapdoor function counting only on the fingers of one hand
The output of Bruce Schneier's pseudorandom generator follows no describable pattern and cannot be compressed.
Bruce Schneier mounts chosen-ciphertext attacks without choosing the ciphertext
Beyond computational complexity, there is Schneiertational complexity
Bruce Schneier can straighten out an elliptic curve with nothing but his teeth
Bruce Schneier makes abstract algebra look like elementary algebra.
Whitfield Diffie and Martin Hellman use only their surnames out of fear of Bruce Schneier
Bruce Schneier can conduct secure multiparty computation... on his own
Bruce Schneier mounts side-channel attacks through the front channel
Bruce Schneier's discrete logarithms are uncountable and continuous
Bruce Schneier always inhabits the soundness of error margin of your zero-knowledge crypto protocol
When Bruce Schneier pre-computes S-box tables, he does it dynamically from the key... over breakfast.
Bruce Schneier can determine the exact location and velocity of any particle that's being used by quantum cryptography.
Quantum cryptography exchanged the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle for the Schneier Dead Moral Certainty Principle when Bruce Schneier came to town.
Bruce Schneier knows Alice and Bob's shared secret.
Bruce Schneier eats 0s and 1s for breakfast. And snacks on pi.
Bruce Schneier assembled assembly...with his bare hands!
Bruce Schneier is computationally infeasible.
A mystery wrapped in an Enigma is no more puzzling to Bruce Schneier than a mystery wrapped in ROT-13.
Bruce Schneier doesn't even trust Trent. Trent has to trust Bruce Schneier.
Bruce Schneier once found three distinct natural number divisors of a prime number.
As Bruce Schneier says there is no Oscar for security theatre.
Bruce Schneier's secure handshake is so strong, you won't be able to exchange keys with anyone else for days.
Most people use passwords. Some people use passphrases. Bruce Schneier uses an epic passpoem, detailing the life and works of seven mythical Norse heroes.
Bruce Schneier's online purchases are so secure, his shopping cart is an M-1 tank.
Bruce Schneier doesn't need steganography to hide data in innocent-looking files. He just pounds it in with his fist.
Bruce Schneier can solve NP-Complete problems in N log N time.
"When I wake up in the morning I piss cryptographic excellence." - Bruce Schneier
Bruce Schneier's tears can burn holes through an OpenBSD firewall. Lucky for us, Bruce Schneier never cries.
Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it.
Bruce Schneier decrypted the Bible. The plaintext read, "Bruce Schneier".
If you use the digits of Pi to generate a visual image, it draws a picture of Bruce Schneier.
The universe was created to serve as Bruce Schneier's crib text.
Bruce Schneier's public and private keys are known as "Law" and "Order."
SSL is invulnerable to man-in-the-middle attacks. Unless that man is Bruce Schneier.
When he was three, Bruce Schneier built an Enigma machine out of Legos.
A vigenere cipher with the Key "BRUCESCHNEIER" is in fact unbreakable.
Bruce Schneier fully discloses his own vulnerabilities: none.
Bruce Schneier knows your private key.
Bruce Schneier's Twofish algorithm has 16 rounds, but he always gets a knockout in the first.
The nuclear launch codes held by the President of the United States are secured by an unbreakable system: a plain brown envelope with a picture of Bruce Schneier on the flap.
Ron Rivest wears Bruce Schneier pajamas.
Bruce Schneier was only allowed to view the Kryptos sculpture at Langley for 1 second, in order not to spoil the fun other cryptographers. It was 0.9 seconds too much.
Bruce Schneier doesn't have a chin under his beard -- just more ciphertext.
If at first you don't succeed at breaking a cipher, you're not Bruce Schneier.
In a fight between Ron Rivest and Adi Shamir, the winner would be Bruce Schneier.
There is no chin behind Bruce Schneier's beard. There is only another pseudorandom number generator and he's gonna use it to encrypt your face.
When Bruce Schneier does modulo arithmetic, there are no remainders. Ever.
It has recently been discovered that every possible hashing algorithm produces the same value for the phrase "Bruce Schneier" -- Bruce Schneier.
Bruce Schneier made Bell-LaPadula do a brutal doodle.
Bruce Schneier once broke AES using nothing but six feet of rusty barbed wire, a toothpick, and the front axle from a 1962 Ford Falcon.
Every time Bruce Schneier smiles, an amateur cryptographer dies.
Mr. T pities the fool. Bruce Schneier just pities his data.
Bruce Schneier can change most random distributions. With his fists.
Geologists recently discovered that "earthquakes" are nothing more than Bruce Schneier and Chuck Norris communicating via a roundhouse kick-based cryptosystem.
Sweeping NSA reforms will soon require all employees to grow a Bruce Schneier beard.
As initialization vectors, 'Bruce Schneier' and 'Chuck Norris' are interchangeable.
When Bruce Schneier uses double ROT13 encryption, the ciphertext is totally unbreakable.
The final Beale Cipher, written 175 years ago, detailing the rightful owners of a cache of gold, has just two words in its plaintext: Bruce Schneier.
Autographed copies of "Applied Cryptography" reguarly sell for twice the going rate for enigma machines on eBay
Bruce Schneier sneers and solves Gödel's incompleteness theorems.
When Bruce Schneier clicks "Random Fact" the outcome is never random.
Humboldt squids have sensors capable of detecting clothing worn by Bruce Schneier at 800 yards - to trigger their flight response.
Every time Bruce Schneier writes a fully general halt-checker, God kills a passenger pigeon. This is why passenger pigeons are extinct.
Bruce Schneier writes his personal journal in Linear A.
If Bruce Schneier rot-13s a plaintext, it cannot be broken by applying rot-13 again.
Albert Einstein wears Bruce Schneier pajamas
Bruce Schneier was born with the Phaistos Disk in his fist.
P = NP in Bruce Schneier's very presence.
There are no finite state machines. There are only a series of states that Bruce Schneier allows to exist.
When the Zodiac Killer heard that Bruce Schneier was going to decrypt his messages, he turned himself in.
The only reason the Etruscan incriptions haven't been decyphered is because Bruce Schneier hasn't been bored enough to take a look.
Bruce Schneier PGP signs his grocery lists so that he can detect if someone has tampered with his milk.
Bruce Schneier is the ideal man. Alice loves him; Bob fears him; Charlie wants to be him.
Bruce Schneier cuts meat in prime number lengths.
Bruce Schneier once decrypted a box of AlphaBits.
Bruce Schneier is Knuth's homeboy.
Bruce Schneier taught Chuck Norris how to divide by zero as they stood silent in an elevator.
Bruce Schneier is the seed for your random number generator.
Bruce Schneier's mail server only sends him the emails' hashes, just to make things a little more interesting for him.
Bruce Schneier obtained his legendary cryptoanalytic skills through a deal with the devil. He then proceeded to encrypt the devil's personal information and barter the plaintext for his soul.
Bruce Schneier can slam a logic gate.
When God needs a new secure certificate, he uses Bruce Schneier as the signing authority.
For Bruce Schneier, quanta only have one state : afraid.
Bruce Schneier is not only the man-in-the-middle, he's at both ends and has wiretaps on Alice, Bob, Carol and Dave.
BRUCE SCHNEIER understands that all finite sets are countable , but not all countable sets are finite.
Can Bruce Schneier cypher something that not even He can decypher? Of course he can, and he can decypher it too.
Bruce Schneier beard has the bigger prime number of hairs
Bruce Schneier is the reason that 57 isn't prime.
Bruce Schneier doesn't know the meaning of "ciphertext" -- only "easy plaintext" and "very easy plaintext".
Bruce Schneier once gave a roundhouse kick to the Internet. The backbone collapsed.
Bruce Schneier does not leak information on the EM spectrum: he emits the theme to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
Bruce Schneier once killed a man using only linear cryptanalysis.
Bruce Schneier has a "compsci 100 life" tatoo on his back.
Bruce Schneier factors integers in constant time.
Bruce Schneier knows where Grigori Perelman is.
There is no such thing as security by obscurity, but only because there is no such thing as obscurity. Bruce Schneier can always see you.
Bruce Schneier can decrypt your PKI message with the public key.
The birthday referred to in the 'Birthday Attack' is Bruce Schneier's.
Bruce Schneier reads RFID cards with the knuckles of his clenched fist.
The last person to attempt to steal Bruce Schneier's identity lost his memory and has never recovered.
There are no such thing as Carmichael numbers, only primes that Bruce Schneier has beaten factors into.
Mathematicians recently developed an elementary proof for Fermat's Last Theorem. It was based on the Schneier Axiom, which reads: "Bruce Schneier said so."
Bruce Schneier doesn't believe in terrorist profiling because he already knows who all the terrorists are.
Alice and Bob got Eve pregnant together; the result was Bruce Schneier.
There is no Information Theory. Just data that Bruce Schneier allows to be quantified and transmitted on a channel.
Bruce Schneier and Lance Armstrong once had a contest to see who had more testicles. Bruce was forced to forfeit when no one could decrypt his scrotum.
Bruce Schneier's fists violate the anti-circumvention clause of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act.
When Bruce Schneier decrypts the Da Vinci Code, the ending doesn't suck
There is an otherwise featureless big black computer in Ft. Meade that has a single dial with three settings: Off, Standby, and Schneier.
Bruce Schneier doesn't even know the meaning of the word ciphertext, because to him, everything is plaintext.
Bruce Schneier knows you are reading this.
Bruce Schneier's private key is so strong that he doesn't even hide it -- if you saw it, you'd die before you could use it.
Bruce Schneier doesn't keep secrets -- they keep themselves out of fear.
Bruce Schneier whistles white noise.
Bruce Schneier can losslessly compress random data by 50%, with his fists.
When Bruce Schneier divides the circumference of a circle by the radius, the answer is rational.
Anyone who makes love to Bruce Schneier discovers a 0-day flaw in a crypto protocol the next day.
Bruce Schneier can log into any computer just by staring down the prompt.
The spacing between Bruce Schneiers ribs forms an Optimal Golomb Ruler.
If Bruce Schneier was a bacteria, he'd be a virulent form of Cryptosporidia.
Bruce Schneier doesn't use a keylogger. He's standing right behind you.
Bruce found a secure way to reuse a one-time pad.
Bruce Schneier's DNA is a secure platform and cannot be cloned.
Bruce Schneier's skin has no pores. Pores are vulnerabilities.
Bruce Schneier is not balding, you just can't see the encrypted portions of his hair.
Though a superhero, Bruce Schneier disdanes the use of a mask or secret identity as 'security through obscurity'.
Adi Shamir stopped working on factoring once Bruce Schneier accidentally leaked that he can solve sparse linear systems by shaking them Etch-a-sketch style.
An autographed picture of Bruce Schneier is all you need to securely wipe any hard-drive.
On Bruce Schneier's birthday, a person standing at the very center of Stonehenge casts a shadow in the shape of Bruce Schneier's PGP public key fingerprint.
The phonograph record included on the Voyager probe contains a hidden watermark inserted by Bruce Schneier.
Bruce Schneier's name appeared in EBCDIC in the output of /dev/random every time there was a full moon. Even after they changed the RNG algorithm.
Only one security god has a surname with three adjacent vowels.
Bruce Schneier doesn't need facts. With one roundhouse-kick he can generate a formal proof for whatever he needs.
Bruce Schneier was to star in a movie called "S-boxes on a plane" but the studio feared it would be too scary for the audience, so it went a different direction.
Bruce Schneier only smiles when he finds an unbreakable cryptosystem. Of course, Bruce Schneier never smiles.
Bruce Schneier tampers with tamperproof hardware.
The Dining Cryptographers always wait until Bruce Schneier has been served.
Bruce Schneier tapdances in Morse Code.
Bruce Schneier gets the jokes in the Voynich MS.
Bruce Schneier knows the state of schroedinger's cat
Crytanalysis doesn't break cryptosystems. Bruce Schneier breaks cryptosystems.
Bruce Schneier has a tattoo of the value of the Ramsey number R(5,5).
If you manage to steal Bruce Schneier's identity, you become the new Bruce Schneier.
Bruce Schneier doesn't need to hide data with steganography - data hides from Bruce Schneier
Bruce Schneier doesn't need full vulnerability disclosure because he already knows.
Bruce Schneier once proved the infinitude of twin primes -- by enumeration.
Bruce Schneier knows the last digit of pi. He won't say it because it's considered a matter of national security.
Vs lbh nfxrq Oehpr Fpuarvre gb qrpelcg guvf, ur'q pehfu lbhe fxhyy jvgu uvf ynhtu.
Bruce Schneier has found SHA-512 preimages of all these facts.
Nuclear physicists at Fermilab were amazed to find that Bruce Schneier's internal clock is more reliable than the vibrations of a Cs-133 atom.
Bruce Schneier decided the color of the blue box
Bruce Schneier's earliest childhood memory is encrypted.
Bruce Schneier can determine if a program terminates just by looking at it. And then the program terminates itself.
Setting SSID of an open Wi-Fi network to "bruceschneier" makes it completely secure.
Bruce Schneier makes a mean Bearnaise sauce. But you need a password to access it.
Attempting to decrypt Bruce Schneier's cyphertext causes extreme time dilation
Bruce Schneier's social security number is a Sophie Germain prime number having a reciprocal generating an infinite stream of pseudorandom numbers.
The set of Bruce Schneier's weaknesses is a mathematical constant. It is represented by the symbol ∅.
Bruce Schneier expects the Spanish Inquisition.
For Bruce Schneier, SHA-1 is merely a compression algorithm.
Bruce Schneier's wedding invitations included instructions for participating in a cryptographically secure RSVP protocol.
If we built a Dyson sphere around Bruce Schneier and captured all of his energy for 2 months, without any loss, we could power an ideal computer running at 3.2 degrees K to count up to 2^256. This strongly implies that not only can Bruce Schneier brute-force attack 256-bit keys, but that he is built of something other than matter and occupies something other than space.
Bruce Schneier can cook a perfect prime rib
Radia Perlman may be the mother of the Internet, but Bruce Schnier is the mutha of the Internet.
Bruce Schneier can smell weak keys.
Bruce Schneier's abs are NP-hard.
Santa Clause doesn't know if Bruce Schneier has been good or bad
Bruce force: recovering a password or key by typing it in correctly on the first try.
Bruce Schneier can see SHA-256 collisions by holding a hash up to a mirror and crossing his eyes.
Bruce Schneier's p is irrational, and his q is imaginary.
When Bruce Schneier observes a quantum particle, it remains in the same state until he has finished observing it.
The universe exists because Bruce needed a reference platform
Bruce Schneier has already solved the Goldbach Conjecture. He just enjoys watching us try.
Bruce Schneier has an Olympic-sized entropy pool.
Bruce Schneier killed Eve and Mallory with a birthday attack!
Bruce Schneier can break elliptic curve cryptography by bending it to a circle.
There are no prime numbers. Only numbers that Bruce Schneier does not want you to factor.
Bruce Schneier can van eck phreak Waldo on every page from three bookshelves away.
Bruce Schneier had a 3-way with Alice and Bob.
Bruce Schneier never gets picked for a random search at the airport.
Bruce Schneier always has prime ribs and scrambled eggs for breakfast.
Bruce Schneier had a Diffie-Hellman key exchange with Eve - and she absolutely loved every bit of it
Compilers don't warn Bruce Schneier, Bruce Schneier warns compilers.
Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle doesn't protect your qubits from Bruce Schneier. Bruce knows with certainty.