My journey with bipolar disorder.

Month: March 2018

This past week, my oldest who is 7, Taylia, dressed up Addison in one of her uniforms. Complete with tucked in shirt, shoes, panda backpack, snacks, and hair done.

Oh the sass!

She looked so stinking cute. But Taylia had her thinking that she could go with her to school. I told them they wouldn’t let her on and when Taylia left she was super upset and crying.

Oh the sass!

She looked so stinking cute. But Taylia had her thinking that she could go with her to school. I told them they wouldn’t let her on and when Taylia left she was super upset and crying.

She finally came over to me and I said I’m sorry you can’t go until next year. She said but Bria (a girl from primary) goes to “pretty school.” She meant pre School and I talked to her mom today and apparently she doesn’t go. But still so funny.

My oldest has been saying for months that I need to send Addy to preschool or homeschool. That she needs to know her letters etc. She keeps acting like she is behind because she doesn’t know as much as her 3 years older self.

This piles on the mom guilt when I’m depressed which ends up being most of the school year let’s be honest. This year it was from about November to a week or so ago. So at least half the school year.

I often have guilt when I need a little screen time babysitting (or a lot).

When I don’t teach or have cute crafts because they make a mess or I can’t handle more than meals (frozen pizza) and moving from the bed to the couch.

Honestly it wasnt normally that bad this year. Things went really well as far as productivity levels. But it has been in the past.

I have been working really hard to let go of the idea that I have to be entertaining my children 24/7 to be a successful parent. I’m realizing sometimes it’s the opposite. They need to feel bored occasionally and they need to play outside (our goal right now is an hour a day). They need to read and be creative and make a mess.

It has been freeing to me to let myself take a nap if I need it and let my 3 yr old play with Daddy working nearby. I’m so much happier the rest of the time for it and that is what is amazing about self care. True self care not this crap that is just selfish, but the whole put on your own oxygen mask first, fill your vessel stuff. True self care makes you better and more able to give.

So heres to letting go of mom guilt and hoping one day they invent “pretty school”.

I found a blog called A slob comes clean a few months ago now and I love it! I have now bought both her books and listen to her podcasts almost daily while I’m cleaning or working in the yard. So much of what she said clicked and it has helped my home a ton. Remember the post about my Kitchen and the disaster state it was in? This blog and the books have helped me stay out of disaster state for months now and it feels amazing!

I have decluttered:

some which helps and I also started the weekly tasks this week. So as to avoid getting overwhelmed I decided on Tuesday to just do one bathroom rather than all 3. I did the one we use the most and the one I had already decluttered the most. I then worked on another day decluttering my master bathroom and I will go from there. I figured if I did them all and burnt out then I would go months again without clean bathrooms. Where as if I do one and do another next week and wipe down the first and then another and wipe down the others by week 4 it should be easier and way better.

So far so good, as I ran errands Wednesday, and Thursday I mopped my kitchen and attached laundry room floor. It was bad this week and took longer but hopefully next week I make it to the dining room and it’s easier.

Tomorrow I will be vacuuming which has been done more recently and with a 5 min pick up shouldn’t be hard.

The laundry is going well too. Although I’m struggling with putting it away I’m still excited with how much easier Monday laundry days have been in general.

Now to the point that sparked my desire to write this post. I don’t know what to write on my blog but I want to blog. I know to some degree I need to just get started and try. I need to practice and do, to get over my fears and find out what I don’t know that I don’t know. Where I need to learn and stretch and grow. Also what my audience wants and what I want the blog to be too. Who my people are? Who my tribe is? What my passion is around balancing my bipolar?

I think some of that is just being honest. Honestly maybe this post is the place to start. Maybe recording my thoughts on my mental state through depression. My frustrations with not being able to be social and donate my time by volunteering and doing it all. My frustrations with dinner being hard and cleaning being hard and showering more than once a week being hard and doing anything. My worries for my kids and what they need me to be. Letting go of some of that guilt too. Improving one step at a time. Acknowledging myself and giving myself some credit that my book is actually helping some people. Reading it again and facing the reality that it could be better and my fears and hypomania may have rushed it. But realizing that I made a decision to do that and it’s okay.

This is what I’m feeling right now. Unfiltered maybe crappy, definitely less than perfect but “done is better than perfect” and it’s real and it’s what is reality right now, not my made up dream in my head.