A Life-Changing Experience of the “I AM”

As a small child I experienced a continued and puzzling fear of England especially when I encountered scenes of it on TV or in books. Yet in this lifetime I was born in Australia and had never once visited England until 2008. Paradoxically, the first of these miraculous experiences of the “I AM” occurred on my third trip to England’s beautiful Somerset region during a particularly exasperating time of inner conflict back in 2010.

Obviously I held some deeply ingrained memories or perceptions that I had carried over from a previous life. But rather than get lost in speculation over the particular ego “story” that seemed to cause these fears, I decided to offer them wholly and solely to Spirit for reinterpretation. I wanted to be free of these fears entirely.

I remember my soul buddy and teaching partner, Tomas and I were preparing to co-facilitate a 4-day Retreat in Somerset which is a stunningly beautiful place. We were near the town of Glastonbury. But for some inexplicable reason, I allowed my perception to descend into a hellish state. Dreadful fears and crazy scenes flashed across my mind each of which increased the intensity of my already fragile emotional state. Oh Lord, there seemed to be no end to this ego nightmare that I had visited!

What was I seeing!? What was I feeling!? Surely this was far too enormous to be the past life memory of just one single person? I sensed that I was feeling somewhat of a collective fear rather than the fear of a single soul. In a weird way, none of this was a personal experience.

But the sudden intensity and impact of this overwhelming rush of memories and emotions, whether personal or not, broke me open in some way. Whatever deep, dark resentments I had harbored against this innocent piece of land called England, had finally exploded and blown the lid off its own suppression.

Little did I know at the time that this inner conflict would be the catalyst for an awe-inspiring breakthrough; one that would literally change the way I perceived not only England but the entire experience of that which I previously called “me” and “life” here on planet Earth.

At the height of this inner struggle, Tomas had decided to give me some sacred space in which to align with Spirit. I recall sitting in a car alone weeping, yet my heart lay open in expectation to receive Spirit’s Answer. The window too was open, and I began to feel the presence of Grace wash through me as I overlooked a delightfully picturesque scene of swaying trees and luminous flowers. In this precious moment of lucidity, I felt a ray of sunlight gently extend itself to meet me. Its radiance eagerly wrapped around me and held me in the warmth of its ever-increasing glow.

It was in this Holy Instant, the universe opened itself up to me. I felt and saw a point of light, just one that felt to be the singular source of this entire universe. The paradox I experienced was that while the entire universe was birthed from this tiny point of light, it was also included within it. But the most astounding acknowledgment in that moment was the recognition that this light was me! And I’m not talking about the mistaken identity called Nouk, but the one Holy Self, the “I AM”. This was, I was, “I AM” the Son of God!

I will attempt to use words here to describe an important insight, while I realize that words are such poor substitutes for direct experience. On top of this, as it says in ACIM they are merely symbols of symbols and are therefore twice removed from reality. But here goes!

The essence of what I experienced in that mystical encounter completely shifted how I saw myself and the seeming world in that moment. My fear of England completely disappeared. Every shadowy echo of the imagined past spontaneously vaporized in the light of Loving awareness. What exactly did I witness that triggered such a profound shift in my perception?

The first thing I knew from inside that point of light was that I was the “I AM”. There was not Nouk and the “I AM”. I was it! In a flash the seeming gap that previously existed between Nouk and God abruptly collapsed!

And in this “I AM” that held the universe within it, was the knowing that England was birthed from me. Its entire historical story within the dream of fear was a fabrication that came from within my very own mind. England was not nor ever apart from me. It was and always will be within my perception and birthed from this.

And then came the most massive of all realizations; that every single soul who ever lived in the imagined history of time, was also birthed from me, from this point of light as the “I AM!” No one, seemingly dead or alive, was missing!

Then, as I felt this, another wave of lucidity struck me with full force. No one and nothing could possibly exist without me as the “I AM”. Everyone’s existence was inside me. If I (Holy Self) suddenly became annihilated which is impossible, then every being who ever lived would also be extinguished because they were part of my Self; they made up my ONE whole Self.

Another way to say this is that for a brief instant I saw that nobody could exist apart from my Self. They all emanated from me, yet they were the sum of me; my entirety. It felt as if their very existence depended upon my conscious awareness with and as God, as the “I AM”.

This was an incredibly valuable experience I will never forget even though I did not fully understand it at the time. As an experience, it came and went just like all phenomena in the dream. However recently, some four years later, some spontaneous flashes of an ever deepening of this experience have occurred.

I am seeing and feeling something that I just did not “know” consciously until now. Recently, I’ve had a resurgence of this experience, only this time there is some understanding that is coming with it. It’s as if now I have a context in which it all makes so much sense.

“I and the Father are ONE.” My God, this is an immensely powerful knowing! Now I’m actually having the experience of this being so. It’s not intellectual as it was before. From inside the knowing of the “I AM” comes the remembrance that everyone and everything comes from me. And I would not have been ready to recognize this experientially had I not been somewhat willing to dare to look upon my devastation.

In other words, I had to look with Spirit at the entire illusory ego thought system. And this meant facing up to what the ego never wanted me to see, to witness my sole responsibility for choosing it. After all, there was no one else but me, as the one “I AM”.

From this then, I caught a tiny glimpse of the complete meaninglessness of the separation, of the entire dream of time and space; that it really did NOT occur. The statement, “I and the Father are ONE,” is the most powerful knowing we could ever have here in the dream. But its meaning is useless unless it becomes truly embodied and lived out from.

And then I realized something profound. I could not completely accept my guiltlessness, my literal invulnerability as the Holy Self, until I was willing to take full responsibility (with Spirit, not ego!) for making the entire ego world dream. My desire is to become the realized and embodied Christ whilst here in this dream because I “made it” so now it’s up to me to joyously “un-make” it via the Holy Self and its abundant miracles within the Real World dream. I am done with the game of playing an independent entity with a fearful will that’s secretly plotting my destruction!

I see now that my part in the imagined making of a dream of fear was total. Ooh, see how the ego cringes at the mere suggestion of this! Yet I recollect that when I made this choice to play in a grand dream of fear at the separation – I made it in all innocence. This is very important, to see it was an innocent choice.

Imagined guilt arose from the illusory ego and not from me as the “I AM”. And that is why all guilt is imaginary because it stems from an illusion. It does not exist. Nor do all its painful “effects” exist as sickness, pain, scarcity, conflict and death; these are the ego’s hierarchy of illusions.

Guilt and its numerous effects in the 3-D world never came from God. And this is why God as Love without opposite, cannot acknowledge them. Instead he gave us the miracle, the Atonement to undo all we mistakenly made to punish ourselves. And that is why the miracle heals everything regardless of its severity or size. It heals equally because everything it heals does not exist!

The God of Love does not judge, punish or condemn. Only the ego’s god does that! While I continue to project my own self-condemnation (guilt) onto others, the body, the past and the world, then I exclude myself from receiving the most precious gift possible; of knowing my Holiness, that I AM guiltless and therefore, that I AM literally invulnerable in God’s innocence. As Jesus tells us in A Course in Miracles:

“Your holiness reverses all the laws of the world. It is beyond every restriction of time, space, distance and limits of any kind. Your holiness is totally unlimited in its power because it establishes you as a Son of God, at one with the Mind of his Creator.

Through your holiness the power of God is made manifest. Through your holiness the power of God is made available. And there is nothing the power of God cannot do. Your holiness, then, can remove all pain, can end all sorrow, and can solve all problems. It can do so in connection with yourself and with anyone else. It is equal in its power to help anyone because it is equal in its power to save anyone.” W-38.1,2

13 Comments

Nancy Storm
on September 9, 2014 at 1:00 am

Nouk,
Are your blogs available in print, or will they be in your Volume II? This is so powerful and feels so right. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your experiences, it does help to know this is truly possible.
Thank you!!

Nancy, the blog is not available in print however nearly all these posts will be edited as part of The End of Death Series. I just don’t know yet which Volume this particular post will appear in. Volume Two is due out next year and hopefully, Volume Three not too long after. It’s up to my publisher. I am so glad these experiences help! Just writing them out like this keeps them front and center for me. I love it! I am here only to serve! 🙂

Dearest Nouk , thank you for your wondrous Beingness , and for sharing your profound insights of your awakening . Once Grace has gently enfolded the dreaming self , awakening replaces dreams of joy and sorrow , and all that lies between . Then it is known that truly there is only One —I AM —and all is within THAT—I AM . The original separation was indeed an act of innocence , as only innocence existed . Perhaps the separation occurred to experience the joy of creativity —-only to discover the polarity of the world of make believe . Within the subsequent chaos of the dreaming , Mankind appeared to become trapped and incomplete in this world of opposites .
In these days of awakening , what joy to realize that the dream of separation ended the moment it began . Nothing really happened ! We are all Home in Love , where we have always been ! Rejoice !

How beautifully you have shared this Barbara! I agree, maybe the dream was to experience that joy of creativity – but then we got lost IN it. Finally we’re awakening into the I AM THAT I AM. Thank you for joining in the final release of a dream that never happened. Indeed, we are all Home in Love. Love, 🙂

Dearest Nouk, thankyou for this piece. Your direct experience shared is a monumental help. I could feel myself falling into the “pit” again this weekend. When this happens I remind myself that I’m close to a breakthrough but this piece speeds it up so thankyou Holy One. In appreciation. Jo

Dear Nouk, thank you. I’m doing the lessons third time round. This time I’m taking as many days over each one as I feel guided. I want what lies beyond the words. I’m on Lesson 44, God is the light in which I see, and was feeling frustrated, albeit mildly, at just the intellectual understanding I have. I’m so tired of the aridness of the ego’s thought system which arises in subtle resistance to the holiness of approaching the light. I’d asked for help and moments later came to read this. These words help. These symbols of symbols. I’m not quite sure why or in what way but they point me to a glimmer of something I want. Your desire to become the fully realised and embodied Christ while here in the dream has always been my desire. Onward, together <3

Anne, the most difficult part of this awakening is not so much to recognize that of our self, we can DO nothing…but to wholly ACCEPT this fact. And therefore our greatest resistance is in RECEIVING God’s Healing.
All our healing has already been given us. It doesn’t await time. It doesn’t need for us to earn it. It’s given…awaiting our open-hearted acceptance of it. But this means we need to TRUST it, expect it. To trust it completely. I am with you in this healing Anne! Together we WILL RECEIVE! Amen. Much Love, 🙂

This story Sister .. is a carbon copy of my own .. different spaces places and times. However when ONE is Exalted, or Christened with a Revelation so pure that transcends everything know up until that moment showing you only your “HOLINESS” the outpouring of Grace and Light one emits shines through each and every facet of the illusionary hologram. Sharing LOVE and Oneness with you NOW <3 Thank you for sharing your story Nouk.

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About Nouk

Nouk Sanchez is a beacon of Light among the many wonderful teachers of A Course in Miracles. Her unconditional Love and depth of wisdom awaken a safe and uncompromising space for students to safely explore hidden fears and blocks to God’s Love.

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Our aim is to help people recognize and undo the one cause of all suffering: the ego (aka – fear). By providing resources, education and mentoring, our intent is to empower individuals with the means to trust in their Divine Teacher within.

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