Caregivers Support Group

A voluntary caregiver is a spouse, relative, friend or neighbor of a disabled person or child who assists with activities of daily living and assists those unable to fully take care of themselves. The challenges of a caregiver are unique and sometimes it's hard to find people to talk to who know what you're going through. Join the conversation and find others who...

When family won't help

Hi, Just a question to you caregivers out there. How many of you have family within a few miles of you and recieve no help from them?I care for my mother and I have a Brother and Sister inlaw within walking distance. We are lucky if he stops over for a little visit. I do think he feels all her needs are being met. And hes right they are I am doing everything. My question to you all is should I call and ask right out for help. I keep thinking he and my sister inlaw will one day wake up and see that I can use a helping hand. Or just a day to spend alone with my husband that is quite ill. will they wake up or should I call and wake them up. Love D

My husbands family refuses to help. There are 5 other brothers and sisters. They all are very well off. While their brother is waiting to find out were his next meal will come from or going without medication they are going on vacations to mexico. It drives me nuts! We have asked them to just come visit him if they can't afford to help and they won't even do that. They will drive accross the state for a flea market but not just a few miles for their brother. My hubby and I have nothing left. We are totally struggling to make it paycheck to paycheck and blew all our savings. But as long as I have a roof over my head and food to eat so will my brother in law and his wife! My family knows what is going on and fortunatly they tell me that they have our back. If we are ever in dire need we can count on them to help. (Thank God I will be living in their basement soon!) It really pisses me off when I have to tell my daughter no she can't have something because we have no money left, yet the inlaws are out enjoying themselves and buying anything they want without a care.

I have SIX siblings. I get no help from any of them...Two are out-of-state and *would* help if they could, two live out-of-state and don't even have contact with Pops, and two live here and couldn't be less interested in him...but how much would anyone bet me they will ALL show up with their hands out when the Old Goat croaks?? It seems to me this is fairly typical in a lot of families (not just mine)...

You need to OUTRIGHT tell your brother and his wife.
With your husband being quite ill, it should already be obvious that you need help.
Don't stretch yourself thin by staying silent. Also don't be afraid to say you need time with your husband (and tell them what if anything you do to aid your husband)
BEFORE you talk to them, figure out what you are capable of giving of yourself towards your mother (and husband). Tell them what you need them to do.

I am caring for my maternal Grandmother. My Mom lives two doors up and all I get is &quot;I can't handle this&quot;. Gram has three children total one of which doesn't even call, well about once a month. There are three other able grandchildren two of which have visited once and none have ever called. If I ask my Mother to help she tells me I am irresponsible. Hello it is her Mom I am caring for. It can be very frustrating but my Uncle does talk to me on the phone and will take my Gram to the doctors. If it weren't for my wonderful husband I don't know what I would do. I am glad I found others who are having this issue I don't feel so alone anymore.

I so can understand where you are coming from! I have a sister less than a mile away and another about 7 miles away and a brother about 20 miles. None of these miles are to far to travel to help your parents. I take care of both my mother and father and have done so for 14 years. Noone helps me but everyone wants to judge me when I am frustrated and burnt out (like now). It seems to be when I ask for help I always get some excuse why they can not help. I think they are just selfish and evil my parents are there parents to. My mother had a brain anurysm and a stroke and my father is a amputee he lost his leg a year ago June 22. I am here if you wanna talk. Please get in touch.

I am caring for my father, who is terminal. I have four living brothers. Two out of state, one out of country and one just down the road. My father has gotten to the point where I need to quit my weekday job to insure he is not alone. I have been with him every other day but now he needs someone around all the time. Not one of my brothers has said anything about could they help since I would lose money without this job. In fact, my brother who lives just down the road keeps talking about how he cannot take even one day off as he needs to be paid. He just shrugs it off when I say I don't get paid when I don't work either. All my brothers are happy that I am here to watch over our father but they seem to think it is without cost to me.
Do you think I should ask them for money to make up for my lost wages? They have been sending money to my Dad to help him with his expenses. Shouldn't they divert some of that money to me since I am out of wages due to taking care of Dad?

I know. Same here where did the rest of the family go? I don't know how someone could totality ignore a loved 1 in need. I guess that is y I am always having health issues myself. My sister ,who was always in need of 1 of us when she had her issues, would call crying. We would drop everything to go over 3 hrs. in a car to help. Now she lives within 10 minutes of me but she hasn't called or visited since last Xmas. That is only because I have a big party at Xmas where she receives lots of gifts. Also to help our parents..well she doesn't and SHE lives with them. There is my Dads' younger sister who lives about 10 minutes away also. She has 1 married adult and no job. Does she help?NO! There sure r a lot of rude people in this world. I guess they all have blinders on. It is so upsetting. I also know when there is a death. The relatives will come out of the wood-work to get in on the family fortune. lol

ARGH...I know exactly how you feel. My grandmother suffered 3 strokes in 2 years. The last one kept her pretty much immobile and she was just miserable. Not because of her condition, because the RN's my uncle hired for her were doing all her housework and laundry wrong and she was just set in her ways very much so. About a year before she died, I came to Atlanta (I live 2 1/2 hours away in Augusta, GA) to see her twice a month. The last month I visited her she begged me to stay with her because she couldn't take it anymore for people to take care of her and help her put her bra and underwear on. So the last month she was alive, I think she was so relieved. She past 27 days after I moved in with her. I was almost 2 months pregnant, and everyday I woke up very early and took care of my grandmother the last days of her life. She was so grateful. She was a woman of God, and I know that he opened the gates wide and clear welcoming her home.

And about your other question, YES my whole family lives in Atlanta, and I live almost 200 miles away...

I'm in the same situation. My brother lives 1 block from my mom and I and he pops his head in about once a week and only for 2 minutes. I don't think he even really looks at my mom who is 81 years old and having complications due to diabeties. She has had 2 major surgerys in the last 3 years. we have gone throw 4 deaths of family members and my sisters who live out of state say oh u will be fine but never come to see her. even when i say I need a break they don't care. I have lost my 26 year old son 3 years ago and have been taking care of my mom for 10 years. I miss my children and grandchildren and need to see them but do u think someone will come stay with my mom NOOOOOOOO thats the answer. and as far as money is concerned they are all better of then us, who both life on ssi. but theres always a reason they cant help with med's or other things she needs. I am in debt why over my means but she will not go without what she needs and they will have to life with themselfs and answer to a higher power then me. So anyway u are not alone and God see's all Hugs to u. Linda

People suck, sometimes that includes family. I took a leave of absence from my job in another state to help my father take care of my mother. Well, my father now just takes her to some dr.'s appts. and that is all. My sister, who was always closer to my mother, has visited twice since last Xmas. I would talk to her everyday, of course about her 'problems'. She would tell me on the phone how I should go take a vacation when she comes to visit, that she would take care of Mom. Well, surprise surprise...... when she was here she slept &amp; ate. Mom wasn't getting her medications or even a meal. Needless to say I was pissed- but some people either just don't have it in them, they just don't care or someone being sick makes them nervous. To be honest, I don't want to decide which one my sister or Dad is because I think I would cry. My Mom &amp; I agree that they suck and her &amp; I will keep our positive attitudes.

Some people are just not caregivers and that sums it up. You want to scream sometime that they dont see you need help when they call and you tell them the house is falling apart because your Mom has dementia and you cant leave her frequently during they day even to clean downstairs because she gets more confused. Your sisters dont ask if you need any help with finances, or legalities or even groceries. My one sister comes maybe four times this year for one night stays and thinks that is helping. She eats and sleeps and complains if Mom gets confused and agitated during the night when she is here, heaven help she miss her sleep, like I have done night after night. They are so preoccupied with their lives, it makes me boiling mad what I have had to give up in my life to take care of my parents the last 5 years and in the past just because I was the nurse or just because I was the divorced daughter without a husband. As, I said some people are just not caregivers. Dont misunderstand me, I would not change anything in my life, my parents have given me more than I can say in my life, so it is only right that I help them when they need me, and my one sister will have to live with her actions. jrmom

honestly i feel sometimes family thinks you have things well in hand and that you don't need them . I think you should call them and ask them for help and try and schedule time for them to be there for you. try to involve them in her everyday life by telling them all that is going on sometimes that will tug at the heart strings and make them feel in their heart they want to help because the heart is where you want it to come from then it goes much smoother for you all.If they dont really know you struggles then they don't know how bad you need them .sometimes they just need to here they are needed. good luck hope this can help some.

I miss traveling with my husband. Has anyone found a specific site regarding cruising for widow/widowers or any sightseeing trips. Not interested in being with couples and kids,,,I realize a cruise ship will have a portion size of families and couples, but perhaps they also put together a part of the cruise ship for groups of widows/widowers????

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

All content posted on this site is the responsibility of the party posting such content.
Participation on this site by a party does not imply endorsement of any other party's content,
products, or services. Content should not be used for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.