Message Boards

Topic : 03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

Number of Replies: 358

New Messages This Week: 0

Last Reply On:

Created on : Friday, November 04, 2005, 02:48:17 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 11/09/05) Meet the "Boomerang Generation" -- children who attend college and then move back in with their parents after leaving the nest, sometimes multiple times. -- you can put a period at nest and delete sometimes multiple times. Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family to take care of her for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her parents. -- change to: Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her folks. Share your thoughts.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

what do you say

I have a 24 year old boyfriend that still lives with mom and dad and is supported by them. We have a child together and haven't had our own place yet. I am still a student as i am a lot younger then my boyfriend. He dropped out of college and didn't work for the longest time and his parents supported him. His parents think that a women should make everything happen and that men should just be able to enjoy their lives. Any suggestions on how to get my boyfriend to get us our own place?

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

I would like to say, that I live with my boyfriends parents. There is nine people in one household, and of course its hard. They are helping us out with the bills so we can take care of my boyfriends ( of five years) children, all four of them. I don't consider ourselves moochers, because I take of the chidlrens needs, and care for them, I clean the house, do the laundry, and make the dinner for everyone in the household. My boyfriend works from 8 to 10 hours a day, and comes home and takes care of the children. We would love to be on our own, but we know that it is for the best for us to be here right now for the children. Not to mention I do watch over my boyfriends, grandfather that has Alzheimers. So when this topic came up, it kinda hit me hard because I can see both sides of people that live with their parents for help and ones that dont.

hang in there

I come from a very dominating matriarchal family. As soon as I graduated, i went to college about 5 states away from my parents. I met my husband, we bought a 5 bedroom house, had a baby, and were working careers in the computer industry that let us live comfortably.&nbsp

&nbsp

I had been gone for about 10 years and became pregnant with our second child when my parents called us and asked us to move back home to take over the family business so that they could retire. They owned a small software corporation.&nbsp

&nbsp

After some thought, we sold our home, paid off all of our debts and squirrelled the rest away as a down payment for our new home once we got there. The three (and a half) of us went to upstate NY.&nbsp

&nbsp

At my mother's suggestion, we moved in with my parents so that we could look for a house without feeling like we had to take the first one we saw. Also, she said, that would make it easier to train us on the ins and outs of their jobs and clients.&nbsp

&nbsp

After a few months of training, they told us that there was a customer not paying their contract off timely enough for them to make their ends meet that month. Would it be all right if they borrowed some $$ from our savings- temorarily- until that contract came in? It shouldn't be more than a week.&nbsp

&nbsp

So we loaned them the $$. It totalled about 9 G. It hurt a lot since we were already living off of our savings (groceries, gas, doctor's appts.) until we could take over the company officially.&nbsp

&nbsp

After another 2 or 3 months, they still hadn't paid us, and Mom came to us again.&nbsp

&nbsp

"Things aren't working out very well. We've hit a big slump and we don't know when it'll ease up. Dad's looking for work outside of the business. Maybe you should too- just until we can get more contracts."&nbsp

&nbsp

I even helped my dad write a resume.. he hadn't had to write one for about 40 years. But here we were with no house and nothing in our savings, a baby on the way and a toddler needing care too, and no way to care for them! As well, who will hire a visibly pregnant woman? No one! They know that I'll need maternity leave almost as soon as they hire me.&nbsp

&nbsp

Fortunately, my husband is very experienced and in a much demanded career, so it wasn't too long before he got work. My father got work, too.&nbsp

&nbsp

Another month goes by and my mother comes to me again. How are we doing? Do we have enough to get by? They're in a spot and need to borrow about $2000.&nbsp

&nbsp

Ok, we're not stupid. We told her we didn't have that much left. Suddenly there's no heat in our section of the house. She says something must be wrong with the propane tank. We should probably move out into the guest house until it gets fixed....&nbsp

&nbsp

My husband checked the propane tank. The feed to the house was shut off, but mom was adamant. We needed to move out until they could "get it fixed."&nbsp

&nbsp

So we moved our (now 4) family into the tiny (made for 2) guest house. We're paying for all of our own utilities, groceries, etc- the same as before, but we refuse to help with anything. No mowing, trash service, snow shovelling, etc. We are paying no rent. And we are avoiding any "fun" activities whatsoever in order to quickly recoup our losses and have our house built.&nbsp

&nbsp

I badgered her for another month until they paid back a third of what they borrowed, but we're not expecting to see the rest ever again.&nbsp

&nbsp

Mom is over about 2-3 times a day without even knocking to tell us exactly what we are doing wrong with our children, our housekeeping, our finances (*snort*), and on and on and on...&nbsp

&nbsp

And recently, I caught her admitting that there was never a slump and that my dad never needed to or did look for a job! They just didn't want to hand over the company.&nbsp

&nbsp

Even at the earliest, we won't have a proper down payment until at least next summer and then will still have to wait a few months until the house is actually built. Renting an apartment will only slow us down to get our own house done, but I don't know if I will be able to keep my temper in check that long.&nbsp

&nbsp

Any advice that anyone wants to give will be appreciated more than you know! We feel like moochers but we know we aren't. HELP!&nbsp

&nbsp

&nbsp

My advice would be to hang in there. I'm definately part of that boomerang generation. When my boyfriend and I moved in with my parents over a year ago, my sister and her boyfriend had already been there for a year or two. It's difficult to live at home knowing that they want you there, but at the same time -- they don't want you there. It sounds to me, though, that you and your husband have the right idea. You don't go out and waste money, you save where you can and still are responsible enough to pay your bills. If you can withstand your mother coming over and giving you a hard time, I would say keep going the way you are. The only way you'll save money is if you don't have to pay rent on an apartment. And if your mom gives you a hard time about not paying rent on the guest house, I would point out that you lent her all that money. Then make a game plan to start saving for your house. I find that knowing that the end is sight (ie: If you know it'll only take you a year to save, then make sure you give it your all to ensure that it only a takes a year :) ) makes the journey easier to put up with. A lot of patience, determination, and a lot of optimism will really help. Good luck!

P.S. As far as your parents taking advantage of you -- unless you have a really concrete plan to get your money back or help you transition into ownership of the family business, sometimes it's better just to cut your losses. But that would require making it really clear to your parents that you've done all you're willing to do and that you don't want any bitterness to remain between the two of you.

MOOCHERS

I HAVE A 30 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER THAT CAME HOME 5 YEARS AGO AFTER HER AND HER HUSBAND PARTED. SHE HAS 2 BOYS 13 AND 11 AND THE 11 YEAR OLD HAS DOWNS. HER HUSBAND PAYS NO SUPPORT THOUGH ORDERED (BUT THAT IS ANOTHER SHOW) AND SHE DOEN NOT WORK. MY HUSBAND AND I ARE IN OUR EARLY 50'S AND BOTH WORK FULL TIME. I HAD TO GO BACK TO WORK TO HELP PAY BILLS. MY PROBLEM IS HOW DO I GET MY DAUGHTER TO FIND A JOB AND GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE AND ON HER OWN. BABYSITTING IS A BIG PROBLEM FOR HER BECAUSE OF THE CHILD WITH DOWNS, HE CAN'T BE LEFT WITH JUST ANYONE , ALOT OF PEOPLE CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS. SHE HAS NEVER HAD TO WORK AND I THINK SHE THINKS SHE DOESN'T HAVE TOO AS LONG AS SHE HAS MOM AND DAD. HAVING A DEAD BEAT AS A FATHER OF HER CHILDREN DOESN'T HELP AND NEITHER DOES THE COURT SYSTEM. DR. PHIL WHAT CAN I DO TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM, I CAN'T JUST THROW THE 2 BOYS ON THE STREET.

Living with the parents

I have some experience with moving back into the nest. After finishing graduate school, I moved back home. It took me six months to land a job (this was in 1992) but I was in an accident during that time, too. I went through a lot of stress, not wanting to burden my folks. Once I got a job, I began paying off graduate school and paid my parents rent. I helped buy groceries, pitched in with chores, cleaned my room and did anything I was asked to do. I felt grateful to be there.&nbsp

&nbsp

My parents really do love me and didn't want me to move out. When I would mention it, my father would ask me to stay. They liked having me at home and it worked for us. When I was 27, I did move out and got my own place. It was definitely time, probably overdue. But considering the fact Dad died 2 years ago, I'm glad we had those extra years together.&nbsp

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

I have a 24 year old boyfriend that still lives with mom and dad and is supported by them. We have a child together and haven't had our own place yet. I am still a student as i am a lot younger then my boyfriend. He dropped out of college and didn't work for the longest time and his parents supported him. His parents think that a women should make everything happen and that men should just be able to enjoy their lives. Any suggestions on how to get my boyfriend to get us our own place?

No offense, but I wouldn't want to live with someone like that -- at least not yet. It sounds like he still has a lot of growing up to do. What if you moved in with him and you had to end up taking care of him the way his parents do? Do his parents pay for everything? Does he contribute to keeping up with the housework and does he pay rent? Does he have a job? I would say that he needs to move out on his own first and learn how to take care of himself so that he can learn how to take care of you and your child. In fact, he can start a lot of that learning at home where he is now. He can pay rent to his parents (even as low as $50/month) that would teach him responsibility and encourage him to learn how to budget. He's at a place right now were he has the advantage of not paying an excessively high rent. He doesn't pay for utilities or groceries, so he has a huge opportunity to save. Pointing out all the benefits that can come about from saving can be very encouraging for someone. He could do something simple where he takes $25/month and puts it in an envelope. When I started saving, I took 10% of my paycheck (after taxes) and put that in a separate savings account. When I had adjusted to the change in my budget, I increased that to 10% of my paycheck (before taxes). When I had adjusted to the change in my budget from that, I increased it to 20% (before taxes). Doing that, my boyfriend and I were able to save $5,000 in a year (and we have a very low income -- I'm a waitress and he works in retail). Originally we estimated that we would be able to save only $3,000. Having a plan and being responsible enough to follow through with it can make you feel really good about yourself. The only problem then would be if your boyfriend doesn't want to move out of his parents house!

Moochers

Phil, you said "Just take one," you did not say "Take JUST one." which would be correct English. It was your fault they didn't understand. Your message was just take one, just take one, not that they should take JUST one.

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Why doesnt Dr. Phil deal with this fact, that NO ONE would live at home given a choice? Many people CANT GET JOBS! or the pay is so low, they can't sustain even the most humble standard of living--ie keep rent paid and transportation. He calls them moochers while never facing the fact that the wages of todays especially entry level jobs are so low, no one can live on their own. What does a young adult do who makes so little money they have the choice between crawling to the ghetto, endangering their health or well-being or ending up in a shelter? Are those parents to tell them get out?

I believe the economic realities out there are ignored to the extreme. When most kids come crawling back home, they arent MOOCHERS, they are BROKE. They are SICK, they are UNEMPLOYED.

I wish Dr. Phil would face the facts about the modern working world. That wages are so stagnant, people can barely make a living. Even older people are having a hard time making ends meet. . That even for many people especially young and inexperienced FINDING a job is near impossible. There is a trend in society for wealthy or middle class Baby-Boomers to be told just throw those kids out. Used to be in the old days families did come together to share resources. Not anymore.

Im tired of this whole MOOCHER mentality like they are all lazy instead of UNABLE TO GET A JOB.

It isn't simply the fact that people live in the same home as their parents that makes them moochers. There are people who need a multi generational family structure because of economics or for cultural reasons. They can be moochers or non-moochers. IMO A non-moocher who is living with family:

doesn't have children when he knows that he can't support them;

doesn't turn up his nose at any form of work that will allow him to contribute to the household;

uses his time productively;

happily and with a willing spirit helps out with all of the household chores, including home repair and maintenance;

expresses appreciation for the help he is receiving.

If you can say that you do those things, you are just an adult who happens to live with his parents-not amoocher at all in my book.

(sorry for using the male pronoun all through...it just gets cumbersome to always add "or her")

My son

I have a son who is 34 years old that I have not heard from in 8 years. He came to live with us in 1997; he did not want to go to work; he slept til late in the afternoon; ate anything he could find; bummed money for beer and cigarettes. I told him plain and simple that "if anyone was going to live in my house and not work, it would definitely be ME". He left, didn't bother to say goodbye. I have not heard from him since. This was not a new situation; it was ongoing for 10 years. I had helped him in the past many times. When the time came for him to work and help out, he would get mad, storm out, go off and pout. Then he would find someone else to mooch off of. When they got tired of him, he would call me, crying, saying he was hungry and didn't have a place to live. After hearing that so many times, and his not taking responsibility for his life, I got tired and put my foot down. It broke my heart but it was something I had to do, and something that I live with. He made his choice and I made mine.

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

I have a 24 year old boyfriend that still lives with mom and dad and is supported by them. We have a child together and haven't had our own place yet. I am still a student as i am a lot younger then my boyfriend. He dropped out of college and didn't work for the longest time and his parents supported him. His parents think that a women should make everything happen and that men should just be able to enjoy their lives. Any suggestions on how to get my boyfriend to get us our own place?

Why are you still with him? He's a 2d-generation loser. Get yourself and your child out of there as fast as you can!