Yeah, my parents definitely blame themselves and are still alive. They are no longer in contact with him.

More my mother than my father, but I don't think anything else is possible. I've taken them to Al-Anon meetings and the rest of it, there is no point though they have improved considerably. I can't "save" my family. I have tried to the nth degree, by the way.

Actually I've known other parents who had kids with antisocial personality disorders and the rest, because everyone I hung out with from 13 on was so messed up in some way. I was a "rebel" or whatever you want to call it with or without my brother, but he led me into avenues no human being should see or even understand, as I'm sure a lot of the people on here have had to deal with.

When I think back to incidents with my brother and his facial expressions, his delayed reactions to things, his markedly high intelligence, and his insane--and I mean insane--impulsiveness, I'm inclined to think that he had a form of bipolar disorder on top of pathos. His unerring instinct for human vulnerability and a person's internal weaknesses are proof positive to me he was a psychopath though.

I never understood, growing up, why people gave me strange looks and such until I realized: why, my brother went here to school and was kicked out! This family knows about my family, etc.

Some of the most disturbing times in my life have been "processing" all this. I've meditated, done everything you can imagine, and I literally can't stand the feeling of some of these memories. I have no desire to process everything. When I go to my shrink he veers in the direction of talking about my brother, as he always does, I come out feeling depersonalized, or like my whole life is an illusion, I don't know how to describe it.

Hi, very sorry to hear about your parents blaming themselves, that seems to be a pretty common thing. It is very sad because research does show it is in the genes. In looking at your family history do you see any other members who might be carrying the gene?

It is great that you escaped the truly bad part and the drugs. Processing all of this is seriously tough business. Along with the meditation have you tried mindfulness or being in the present moment techniques? I know for myself just for life in general it can be the line between letting things rip the roof of my head off and staying centered.

I can understand your not wanting to process everything, sometimes it is best to focus on areas that are causing the most concern. When I was in therapy, it was years ago and at the time there was a lot of focus on blaming the parents for everything. At some point, I decided that wasn't heading me in any direction that I could work with so I tried to look forward. A rear-view mirror is great; however, it is best to not be so focused on it; we don't see anything in front of us.

Yes, I still do practice mindfulness and try to stay in the present. I just know that somehow, this experience has made my relationship with others difficult and complicated, so that's what I want to understand. I don't dwell on the past in any morbid sense. I think it just pops up.

I don't know if it is indeed genetic, but I do not at all blame myself for the destructive phenomenon of my brother. I hate his guts and wish him the worst possible for an organism, human or otherwise.

Hi and Thank you for this forum. I'm new here and are happy to see that there's others who have a psychopath as a parent. My father was a full blown psychopath and what he had put me through in my life is so crazy that most people don't believe it. I have a question to all grown up children of psychopaths: What is the main thing you are struggling with in your adult life? What parts inside of you has been "broken" from your psychopath parent?

[/quote] The only thing that my dad broke permanently was my ability to act like a normal human being. [/quote]

I've read somewhere that grown up children of psychopaths are looking for a recipe to how to act and react in life, asking themselves is this normal? Do other people do/feel/think like that? I often ask myself these questions, and from what I understand from your answer you do too. Is that what you meant?Where do you feel you do not act normal? Sorry for asking all these questions, but I don't know anyone else who have had a psychopath parent. Only people with a husband or wife who's a psychopath, but the person themselves have had a normal childhood.

The only thing that my dad broke permanently was my ability to act like a normal human being.

I've read somewhere that grown up children of psychopaths are looking for a recipe to how to act and react in life, asking themselves is this normal? Do other people do/feel/think like that? I often ask myself these questions, and from what I understand from your answer you do too. Is that what you meant?

I didn't have to ask if I was acting normal or not, I Knew damned well I wasn't. It was painfully obvious from the reactions of everyone around me that I was Very different; cold, hard, logical, and utterly without feelings. Whole conversations would fly over my head because I simply could not comprehend the emotional aspect of what was being said.

Originally Posted By: Draculas Daughter

Where do you feel you do not act normal?

That was then. Now-a-days I am a whole and fully connected person -- until I get angry. The instant I become angry all other emotions shut down and I once again become that cold monster I was trained to be. The difference now though, is that I can come back from that.

Thank you very much for your answers. I quess we just become what we're raised to be, until we wake up somewhere in life and understand that it's wrong. I was very angry when I was a teenager, and I did everything I could to shut down my feelings at that age because I saw feelings as difficult and as a weakness. I didn't manage to cut off my feelings by will (there's too much of them), so I tried alcohol and smoking pot to shut down - but that didn't work either, so that stopped when I was 18 years old. Then I found the love of my life (I thought), married and started a life with him. And I became what my father raised me to be - a slave. My father always told me from I was born that women didn't have a brain, so they can't learn anything. Women are only born to serve the man, that's it. So that's what I became, until I was 40 years old, then I broke free from the slavery.I have an okay life now, but what is permanently broken is my feeling of being worthless, I know it's not true in my head, but my heart always tell me that I'm not worth a damned [censored] (sorry for my use of words).The other thing is - Dianne always ends her podcasts with "stop painting those red flags white" - it's true for most people, except for children of psychopaths, they are raised to see all red flags as white, so red flags doesn't really exist for them, it's just so normal to be treated extremely bad that we don't react to it - or I don't react to them. That's my struggle.