Couple CounsellingAlthough it is common wisdom that sex, money and kids are the three biggest issues for couples, the single biggest concern couples bring to me is COMMUNICATION!

We long to feel close and to be understood by those we love and with whom we share our lives.In couple counseling, I work with partners to help them:

Connect better by knowing and naming their own needs and learning to understand and respond to their partner’s needs

Learn skills for speaking and listening – and not just to the words being said! - so they can work through issues

Manage differences that often result in conflict, and manage conflict when it arises, so that it does not become destructive

Identify and overcome emotional barriers that keep them distant from each other

Become more comfortable with their own and their partner’s sexuality and intimacy needs

What to Expect in Couples' CounsellingIn the initial stage, (4-10 sessions) therapy is a combination of us getting to know one another, and of calming your anxiety and distress in this difficult situation. Together, we will begin to identify the beliefs, behaviours and patterns of interaction which are causing problems. You will be learning to pay attention to what is happening between you in a different way. Usually, I schedule an individual appointment with each of you, to get to know more about your background, family history, and personal perspective on what is happening in your relationship.

Occasionally, it becomes obvious in this phase that at least one party is not really willing or able to continue with counselling, or with the relationship. I will do my best to help you both deal with this difficult decision.

In the ‘working’ stage, which may begin as early as the first session, but certainly by the fifth, we will explore the roots underlying those beliefs, behaviours and patterns of interaction which are causing problems, and begin to experiment with ways to change them. At the same time, you will be learning a lot about yourselves and each other, and finding ways to share that learning. As you begin to develop ways to communicate more clearly and honestly with each other, without blaming and defensiveness, you will discover you can be more real with each other, so that you can feel a deepening sense of connection and trust. Using your improved ability to communicate, we will work on long-standing issues and differences, and with current ‘hot spots’ in the relationship.

Of course, it is possible that, despite the best efforts of all parties, it is not possible to repair the relationship. If this is the case, I will do my best to help you recognize and deal with this very difficult realization.

In the ‘consolidating’ mode, which begins when you as a couple start to look forward with confidence to happier and more satisfying life together, we will reflect together on the changes you have made, how to maintain and protect them, what might put them at risk, and how to anticipate problems and stressors and lessen their impact.

And then you graduate – knowing, of course, that you’re always welcome back for a ‘tune-up’!

How to Get the Most out of Couples' CounsellingTo get the most out of the process described above, here are some things you can do:

Identify your goals: How do you want your relationship to be different? (This will help you know the direction in which to head, and know when you get there!)

Take responsibility: Be willing to acknowledge the contribution you are making to the current problem. Be conscious of the choices you are making and their consequences for others and for yourself

Pay attention: The most important work takes place in the ‘lab’ of your day-to-day lives. It will be important to notice what is going on when you get caught in old ways of interacting, or when you succeed with new ones. How are you feeling? What are you thinking? How are you acting? Are you tired, pre-occupied, over-whelmed? Learning to catch yourself before you react in the same old way, and choosing to respond in a new way is the first big step toward transforming your relationship

Be honest: Share your feelings, your hopes and fears, about what is happening between you and what is happening during counselling sessions

Be realistic: Though many of us may aspire to ‘happily ever after,’ we live in an imperfect world, and we are all imperfect – even when we are doing the best we can! Take time to sort out what you can realistically expect of yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Be patient: Problems take a long while to develop and be identified; they seldom disappear overnight.

Take care of yourself: Couple counselling is not an easy process: you may be challenged, hurt, frightened; you will definitely experience a lot of uncertainty. Make sure you are getting adequate support, taking care of your health and maintaining those things in your life that, individually or as a couple, bring you pleasure.

Counselling works best when it is a combination of your intention and effort, and my expertise and experience

Suggested ResourcesHere are a few of the books I find myself suggesting most often to couples: