Jewish Unplanned Pregnancy

There are no easy answers when facing a pregnancy for which you are unprepared – emotionally, financially or socially.

Over eight years ago I received a call from a dear friend that left a permanent impression on my heart.

Something was off in her voice from the second I picked up. She hesitated.

“I'm pregnant and I'm not going to keep it.”

She was sobbing. Most of the rest of the conversation is a blur for me. She had already to decided to abort. She was just letting me know because we were such close friends.

I heard her heart breaking. I felt my own breaking, too. I wanted desperately to offer her help, a way forward without having to resort to abortion. My attempts were futile, my own emotional upset clouding my vision. I could offer nothing of use to her.

Growing up in the American Jewish community had not prepared me or her for this. Not even as a possibility. We both grew up politically “pro-choice,” as is 74% or so of the American Jewish community. But what about the “choice” to continue pregnancy, to give birth and give life to the one in her womb?

Placing the baby for adoption seemed like an embarrassment to her family.

It just didn't seem like that could be a “real” option for her. “Staying pregnant” seemed like it would make her a failure, maybe ruining her future. She was in her early twenties. She had barely finished college. Her life was far from together – her “Mr. Right Now” boyfriend was not good marriage or father material. Placing a baby for adoption didn’t seem like an option because, among other things, it seemed like it would be an embarrassment to her family. She had dreams and none of them involved motherhood – not yet.

But did she really have to choose between her own precious, unique life and the precious, unique one growing inside her? Couldn't there be room for both? She is such a wonderful person, truly one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. Any boy or girl she could possibly have had growing in her womb would have been amazing.

Was there anything - any offer of support - that could have made a difference for her or for other women in her position? Either for parenting or adoption?I asked myself these questions not from judgment, but from love and a broken heart.

There are around 1.2 million abortions annually in the U.S.; more than 20% of all American pregnancies end in abortion. It is unknown how many are from Jewish women, though we do know Jews make up 2% of the overall American population. After Jewish maternity homes closed down in the 1970s there has been no coordinated effort in the American Jewish community to offer alternatives to women struggling with unintended pregnancies, particularly ones outside of marriage.

There are also 15,000-30,000 abortions annually in Israel alone. In Israel, abortion is often driven by lack of economic resources to have a child or more children. Two organizations in Israel, Efrat and Just One Life, assist women struggling with unintended pregnancies who are considering abortion. Each offer specific methods for helping women address their economic challenges as well as providing emotional and psychological support. Over the last 30 years, through two different approaches, they have helped more 40,000 women have children that would have not have been able to.

Inspired By Shifra

Shifra and Puah were the Hebrew midwives whom Pharaoh instructed to kill Israelite boys on the birthstool. The Torah records: “They feared God and did not do what Pharoah asked” (Exodus 1:17). Instead, they did everything possible to help the Israelite women give birth.

Shifra became the namesake of In Shifra’s Arms,a new American Jewish organization dedicated to assisting women struggling with unplanned pregnancies. Shifra is the symbol of “the Hebrew midwife” who guides women through pregnancy, birth and beyond, even in the face of the darkest circumstances.

Our goal is to help women struggling with unplanned pregnancy to create a positive future both for themselves and their child. We have a professional social worker who works with all our clients. Many of our clients know they want to continue their pregnancy despite very difficult circumstances they face and the social worker helps them to create a practical plan for their personal and professional future, whether they want to raise the child or place for adoption. Our social worker is available to them throughout the entire pregnancy for coaching as well as after birth for additional referrals. For those who are unsure about what to do, the social worker creates a safe space for her to explore her feelings and options and make up her own mind. It is not our place to try to make her decisions for her. In addition, our organization also does not provide or take the place of medical advice or rabbinical guidance. However, it is our place to offer her practical, loving support that might help her address the challenges she is facing.

Our services can include emergency targeted financial assistance, maternity clothes, educational/career counseling, referrals for therapy, prenatal care etc. While we do not facilitate adoptions directly, we make referrals to Jewish adoption resources and make sure if a woman considers that route, she gets all the emotional/psychological counseling she needs during the process and after birth. We can set college students up with internships if they’d like to get away for a semester before placing their baby for adoption. Through volunteers, we can provide some niche services. For example, we have set up a mother getting a divorce with hours of assistance to help her get her home ready for the baby and brought food to help ease her transition back to work.

Our volunteers come from a variety of religious and political perspectives.

In Shifra's Arms is exclusively a social service organization, not a political organization trying to change abortion law. We have supporters with a variety of views on the politics of abortion. We treat people with kindness, compassion and caring whether they choose parenting, adoption or abortion and throughout the process. Given that this is a hot-button issue, we have received plenty of criticism. However, our experiences helping real people in crisis have confirmed again and again that this need exists.

One of our first callers came to us because she found herself, as a 19-year-old college student, impregnanted by a family friend who had gotten her drunk and was now pressuring her to abort. She was in the middle of exams and had just lost the job she was using to help support herself in school. She was certain that when her family found out, they too would tell her to abort.

She needed help and she needed someone to listen. When she called In Shifra's Arms, she was crying. "I don't want to abort. But I don't know what to do." We listened, helped with maternity clothes, and offered some housing support while she made plans for the future.

Here's a message we got from her shortly before the birth of her daughter:

“After a number of conversations, I realized that [the In Shifra's Arms volunteer I was speaking with] was an angel sent... to me to help me get through this very hard time and learn to love myself and my life again... My life was never going to be the same, whether I was going to give up my tiny baby for adoption or keep her and raise her… You showed me that you don't need to know somebody for 10 years to show them you care for them... I have chosen a name for my baby and though I will name her and I wanted to share [the name and its meaning] with you. Her first name, Eliana, means ’my God has answered me‘... I would like, from the bottom of my heart, to thank you for the ongoing support you are providing me...”

Our supporters, volunteers, Board members, staff come from a variety of religious and secular Jewish backgrounds and political perspectives. What brings us together is our mission to serve and the belief that women struggling with unplanned pregnancies should have support available to help them overcome their challenges and create a positive future for themselves and their children.

I’ve come a long way since that day eight years ago when my friend turned to me and I had no idea how to help. There are many, many more Jewish women out there who need the community’s support. Let’s help them.

Visitor Comments: 28

(18)
Anonymous,
January 27, 2012 7:38 PM

Re: The women from the former USSR who were having abortions. The reason abortions were "accepted" was because those women had no access to birth control. For a more detailed look at what these women have been through, I highly recommend a book called Intimate Wars. The book was written by Merle Hoffman, founder of CHOICES abortion/prenatal care and mental health clinic. If a pregnant woman is not educated about ALL of her options, then the facility is not doing its job. She needs to get thorough and ACCURATE information about abortion, adoption and raising her baby. CHOICES does all of the above.

Anonymous,
January 31, 2012 8:01 PM

MERLE HOFFMAN

Here's some great quote from Merle Hoffman:
" You don't have to argue that abortion stops a beating heart. It does." I am pro-life because abortion kills a living HUMAN being. She's pro-abortion despite that fact. She says she's fighting to claim "abortion as a mother's act". Actually, motherhood is about sacrifice, love, generosity, not voluntarily and happily killing one's offspring. Also, this is not about offering INFORMATION. This is about offering PERSPECTIVE. The perspective that the woman's life is precious and so is her baby's. If her life is not physically threatened by the pregnancy, then we should do everything in our power to help them both.

(17)
Tina L,
January 13, 2012 1:06 PM

Relations in marriage only

Let the truth come out AISH.COM - G-D - the creator of the world and everything in it wants Jews to get married before having relations. Our distorted world have made this truth be very clouded that we forgot about it completely and see it is ridiculous - ho sad!
The creator of the world gave us a book of guidance - The Torah - and Rabbis to ask questions when needed. Only when we don't follow the instructions do we need "solutions" b/c only when we don't follow HIM do we have real great conflicting problems.
Hashemis the creator of the world - that can be PROVEN scientifically very easily www.divineinformation.com or Aish.com - so let's just take the time to see that and start following his rules.

Pregnant and Jewish,
September 1, 2014 1:41 AM

Pregnant, Jewish, Single Gal, Here!!

Well, aren't YOU smug!? Anyone on here who has not BEEN in MY SITUATION SHOULD KEEP THEIR HOLIER-THAN-THOU JUDGMENTS TO THEMSELVES! I have made the CHOICE to keep my child, and am currently undergoing the incredibly stressful process of trying to find a suitable Jewish husband in a hurried manner, despite my SEVERELY DECREASED PROSPECTS, and the fact that now my "pool" now must be widened to include significantly older men who have children of their own and have been through divorce. I am not a "bad/ irresponsible person" for having gotten knocked-up, I am a 30-something Ivy-Leaguer ADULT WHO WAS ON BIRTH CONTROL! I am an ADULT. I SIMPLY HAVE NOT YET MET "THE ONE," and gasp, YES, I HAVE SEX OUT OF WEDLOCK. And I OWN THAT. GROW UP, or may the FIRST STONE BE CAST AT YOU, WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A BAD SITUATION!! You have ZERO CLUE how much this SUCKS, and I currently am working with In Shifra's Arms to try to survive my day-to-day and find resources to survive my ordeal. Had I been raised in an Orthodox family, I might have made a VERY DIFFERENT DECISION!! You really have no idea, I know I don't (!) how it would feel to be outcast from an entire such community that is all you have ever known, esp. if at a young age. In Chareidi communities a young women in this sitch would see her entire WORLD DESTROYED! I DO NOT JUDGE SOMEONE ELSES' decisions in this awful situation, and nobody else should!! There is PRECIOUS LITTLE SUPPORT/ ACKNOWLEDGEMENT IN THE JEWISH WORLD FOR WOMEN IN THIS SITCH, and may we AMELIORATE THIS SOON!

(16)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2012 4:43 AM

As I understand it Jewsih law forbids abortion except if the mothers life is at risk ?Am I correct?

Outside of the Orthodox communities an abortion seems to me to be the most common reaction to an unwanted pregnancy.In the Orthodox world where sex outside of marriage is not accepted I'd think having a child out of wedlock would be devastating to the individual and in many circumstances,would even hurt marriage prospects of siblings. It would take great courage to have a baby either keeping the child or giving it it up for adoption. An organization such as yours I feel is needed.May you be blessed with success in your holy work

ladydi,
January 10, 2012 1:35 PM

Deleted comment

This comment has been deleted.

Anonymous,
November 19, 2012 4:11 PM

2wk gestation is NOT life

ladydi; I disagree. @ r wks gestation it is a collection of cells with the potential to be life. If the cells were extracted could they incubate and develop into a fetus and then a baby? NO. The womb is needed. Thus it isnt alive, it is a parasite, as it lives off the woman.

lilkunta,
November 19, 2012 4:05 PM

why does preMarital baby hurt marriage prospects of siblings

"... I'd think having a child out of wedlock would be devastating to the individual ... would even hurt marriage prospects of siblings. It would take great courage to have a baby either keeping --->how does a girl becoming pregnany b4 marriage effect her siblings?

(15)
Kay,
January 9, 2012 11:42 PM

A long time ago, I was part of a group formed to help women through Post abortion syndrome. Yes it is real. For one of my friends, the moment of break came as she stopped at a school crossing. A child about the age of the one she had aborted crossed in front of her. My story is one of reoccurring grief. Afterwards I found that life is in the blood and a baby has it's own blood at a very early point. I believe we need more places of help. In my work in a hospital, I once cared for a woman who had been raped. She delivered a little girls. With the adopted parents, this woman sent a closet of cloths, toys and fresh breast-milk to help her baby on her way. What love is like that? I still find peace in her choice.

(14)
@MamaMichelley,
January 9, 2012 7:16 PM

My Miracle is Five Months Old

After doctors told me spontaneous (natural) conception wasn't an option, I spent my twenties angry at the G-d I thought took away my maternal right. But ours is the G-d of love, mercy, & compassion who hears our prayers & bestows His blessings upon us when he knows we're ready for them, even if we don't think we are. I saw my surprise pregnancy for the gift it was - a way back to Hashem's holy path, the light at the end of a long dark tunnel. My non-observant family couldn't understand why I wouldn't consider the alternative - I was (and still am) single & unemployed - abortion, to them, was the only option. But how could I even, for one moment, think that my life would be better without my child in it? Even my son's father begged me to think about adoption, but it never crossed my mind. My family doctor in Jerusalem put me in touch with Ruthi at Efrat; while I didn't need to be talked out of an abortion, I did need support & guidance, and received it in abundance. They provided me with the stroller in which I push my son through Hashem's holy city & send diapers to our house every month. Being a mother is the daily fulfillment of my destiny; I can't possibly imagine doing anything else with my life right now. Raising my son is my greatest joy, an eternal gift I am constantly grateful to receive. It has restored my faith, filled my world with purpose, & inspired me to share my strength with others. Legal abortion is an important option for women whose pregnancies endanger their lives or are the result of brutality; thanks to the good work of organizations like Efrat & In Shifra's Arms, it doesn't have to be a sad reality for women who don't know what else to do.

(13)
Mirah Riben,
January 9, 2012 2:32 PM

Cruel

Asking women to act as brood stick or "Handmaids" - per Margaret Atwood - is unkind, and cruel. Infertility is a grievous loss, but it is a medical problem and should not seek a social solution at the behest of another's pain and suffering. People are also in need of organs, limbs, eyes etc but we do not ask healthy people to make such sacrifices for strangers and it is illegal to pay for organs. exploiting a temporary crisis with a permanent loss is unconscionable and unnecessary as there are more than 100,000 children in foster care who could be adopted. We do not need to encourage the creation of additional "artificial" orphans!. Women in crisis pregnancy need non-judgmental support that will help them in the most expedient way with the least amount of shame and well documented lifelong, life-changing harmful effect on themselves, their child, their family and all future relationships by loosing a living child to adoption..

Anonymous,
January 9, 2012 5:02 PM

To commenter #13: Have you ever read the book The Girls who went away? It is an excellent book of essays written by women who became unexpectedly pregnant in the pre Roe v. Wade era, when the only option they had was to surrender their babies for adoption. I highly recommend that all of the commenters read that book. Btw--I truly appreciate your comments.

(12)
David,
January 9, 2012 1:02 PM

Worthy cause!

Just made a donation, and hope others will do the same.

(11)
Anonymous,
January 9, 2012 12:29 PM

@ 4

There are 1.2 million abortions every year in American, 20% of ALL pregnancies end in abortion- don't you think enough is being done to provide for that "choice"? Why does an organization designed to help women continue their pregnancies have to also help them abort? Why is offering help limiting someone's options? Have you asked any abortion clinics whether they are willing to provide maternity clothing, babies supplies?

Anonymous,
January 9, 2012 4:59 PM

To anonymous #11: If a pregnant woman is not well informed about ALL of her available options (adoption, abortion and the decision to raise her child), then she absolutely CANNOT make the right decision for herself. Please keep in mind that many women live in parts of the United States where they have little or no access to birth control and/or abortion. Also, when we speak of choice the woman must make her own decision. After all, it is she and not the man who will bear the physical/medical responsibility.

(10)
Cynthia,
January 9, 2012 4:57 AM

Joshua says to choose life!

I don't understand how we can wear jewelry with the Hebrew "Life" on it, read what is in the Tanach, and still not value the life within the womb enough to keep it...Can you help me with this?

(9)
Elisabeth Soros,
January 9, 2012 3:20 AM

Jewis unplanned Pregnency

If may I can give advice from my own? I is not easy that is sure.I did went through in this situation.In the communist system to have four children with extremely responsible job and providing the very minnimum for our family have been just to hard.Unespectedly the fifth baby said" I am here" The DR-s said " You must abort,, You can loose Your Life"After front of 9 Dr-s I had to signe a paper. I must do abortion, otherwise is my responsibility.The story is long, but against every all the NOT opinion, I have decided to keep my baby.I have had a extremely strong trust in G-d. I had a dream too and G-d given for me a clear mind and intellect to translate my own dream.I have just have trusted totally Hashem.He is there, if You seek to Him! Today my beautiful doughter who born for 6 month - have several degree and just abaut finishing her PHD.I think there are very serius situation / as mine / but G-d given us choices, with responsibility.Seek support if You are not strong, Dr-s.Rabbis,Parents, Social workers. Do not forget G-d and trust Him totally!

(8)
Anonymous,
January 9, 2012 1:55 AM

Good information...

thank you for being there for these young women in crisis. there will always be unplanned pregnancies. i had my abortions (not jewish) shortly after it was legalized. at that time, organizations like yours were non-existent. i suppose your type of organization has been born, in part, from the grief of so many who have suffered post traumatic stress related to their abortions. i did get counseling from a christian perspective many years after the fact. i can only guess at how different post counseling would be from a jewish perspective,,,,

(7)
anonymouse,
January 9, 2012 12:30 AM

Baruch Hashem for your organization

Baruch Hashem for you and your organization. You are saving lives, both of mother and child. May Hashem repay you for your chesed, as I am sure he will.

(6)
Anonymous,
January 8, 2012 9:49 PM

Emailing ISA

You can email ISA at inshifrasarms@gmail.com

(5)
Sarah,
January 8, 2012 5:41 PM

Blessings

Being that there are a certain number of souls that have to descend before Mashiach comes, you're helping to hasten his coming! May Hashem guide you and protect you!

(4)
Anonymous,
January 8, 2012 4:00 PM

Whle well intentioned, you are not providing women with their full range of choices. Sometimes carrying a pregnancy to term and raising the child is the right decision for a young woman. Sometimes adoption is what is best. However, abortion MUST remain safe and legal under all circumstances. If we take away this option from young women, we are turning the clock back to a time when women died needlessly from self-induced abortions. Please keep that in mind. Thank you for writing an improtant essay.

Silky,
January 8, 2012 7:37 PM

Read the article again

"In Shifra’s Arms is not a political organization trying to change abortion law. We do treat people with kindness, compassion and caring regardless of whether they choose parenting, adoption or abortion and throughout the process."
They are not anti- abortion. They are TRULY pro-choice. Many people who say they are pro-choice really mean "pro-choice as long as you chose the choice I agree with".
I think it is great that women, regardless what part of Judaism they identify with, have a choice.

Anonymous,
January 8, 2012 11:29 PM

To Silky--I read the article a second time and I can see how caring and compassionate the staff members of "In Shifra's Arms" are. Nonetheless, I have a question. If after a lot of soul searching one of them women decides abortion is the option for her, do you have any place to refer her? Having asked my question, please understand that I have a lot of respect for what you do and I am going to go to your website as soon as I submit my comment.

Daniel,
January 9, 2012 1:56 AM

By your second-to-last sentence, are you referring to Bernard Nathanson's claim that 10,000 women per year were dying of illegal abortions? He's since confessed that he made that number up to advance a "pro-choice" political agenda. The CDC reports that in 1972 (the last year before Roe), the number of women who died from known illegal abortions was 39.

(3)
Alan S.,
January 8, 2012 2:33 PM

May Hashem bless you for the wonderful work you are doing.

(2)
Laya,
January 8, 2012 12:58 PM

Blessings

Only blessings for all the good work that you are doing. May you grow to educate, support, and help many women. <3

(1)
Anonymous,
January 8, 2012 12:00 PM

Although I knew of the Efrat organization in Israel, I am so happy to hear of a similar organization, In Shifra's Arms, in the USA. Many years ago I suffered a miscarriage, and was in pre-op awaiting a D&C with several other women. These 4 other women were Jewish and about to have abortions. They were new immigrants to the US from the former USSR, where abortion was not only accepted, but used as a form of birth control. I was so desperate to have a baby, and these women were destroying theirs voluntarily; it devastated me. How I wish there had been an organization like In Shifra's Arms at that time. There was nothing I could do and I felt so powerless, just as the author felt when her friend confided in her.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
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