Being the devoted husband that I am, I often will volunteer to run errands for my wife when she’s working. Today she needed to return some purchases to Lane Bryant and I figured I had time so I’d do it for her. Well, I thought nothing of it at the time, but walking into an all women’s clothing store, returning a purchase that was clearly an item designed only for women, makes a man feel a little perverted. So in honor of my self-proclaimed embarassment I give you this little gem from Bob Rivers.

Wow. Do I really displace so much air when I walk that the simple act of crossing the threshold into my bathroom is enough to cause the door to close? See, the walls of this house are, aparently, crooked and our bathroom door has a mind of it’s own. So bumping the door can make it close. Fine, I’m cool with that. However, if I’m displacing that much air when I move, it is time to consider Oreo Cookie Diet(TM) Shanti.

While I definitely do not support using women as sex objects in order to sell a product, I do find it interesting that the brand recognition has increased and at the same time, they are not forcing some image of the “perfect woman”, who is infact mostly a fabrication of PhotoShop anyway, down our throats.

If you are a normal, heterosexual male with a healthy Y chromosome, I know you’ve seen the ad- the pure white background, a stunning brunette who purrs
at us, “It’s all about the O,” in a slightly foreign accent.

Kreegah. Tarzan want.

You could care less about Overstock.com or what it sells. The ad fulfils the first rule of advertising, “Be memorable” through its spokesmodel. You wonder
why she’s so enticing, so overwhelmingly feminine that your spinal cord reacts before your brain has processed her image. She’s not your typical ad bimbo
with plastic boobs and collagen injected lips. She’s not blonde. She’s not a twentysomething wearing sprayed-on jeans or a miniskirt. She is an ordinary
mouse-brown, middle-aged, pretty woman. Men would find her approachable. Women would find her non-threatening.

Perhaps that’s the reason right there.

Her name is Sabine Ehrenfeld. She is 41. Originally from Germany (hence the slight accent) she now lives in California. In addition to English and German she speaks French and Italian, is a competent tactical pistol shooter (“Because it’s fun”) and a private pilot. She is a mother. If the accent was Scottish instead of German she would score 100% on your perfect-woman test.

Since her ad began running, Overstock.com’s brand recognition has risen from 12% to 46%, showing the power that a sexy, smart, 40ish, real woman has.

Really, at least my, point is Hollywood can start using real people any time now. I really fear for what my children will see if/when we have them. I’ve seen how much television, and advertising, has changed over the past several years and for the most part it annoys, and even disgusts, me.

I’m not talking about the content of the shows, that’s a topic for a different day, but merely the images that are being seen. In a world where 70% of what you learn is visual, what does it tell say when you see nothing but plastically enhanced bodies, fake parts, and scanky clothing?

I wish the rest of the world shared my values and I could watch TV for entertainment without hearing nothing but double-entandra (?), and watching promiscuous, and loose morraled, individuals parading across the screen because they send a “sexy image”. THat’s not sexy!

Okay, if you happen to look like that, and are naturally that way, or do it for your own satisfaction, fine. When you force yourself to conform to some societal expectation just to fit in, something’s wrong with that.

True, I’m not a woman and I’m not telling them what to think/act/do/eat whatever. What I’m saying is that the Suits need to stop teaching our children that to be sexy is to be tiny and bimbotic.

Right. Time to end this rant. I’m not making sense. I can tell because I started making up words.

I’m IMming Snowflake tonight and I pop open a new browser window to look at something. The computer busts out with “more train half bra.” Um… yes, those fragments were in the conversation, but nowhere near the way they appear. I had actually mentioned, “public transit {…} half a brain,” but I guess this is funnier.

I really can?t understand how some people can be so irresponsible with their bodies, and with a life that doesn?t even belong to them.

Yesterday, I was running some errands and while riding the bus I saw a former coworker of my wife?s. We started talking and she mentioned that she was going to the doctor later that afternoon. She, very nonchalantly, informed me that she was pregnant again.

A little background. This will be her third pregnancy. She is not married and has given the two previous babies up for adoption. They have both been adopted by the same family and from what I have heard are healthy and well cared for.

I guess I don?t understand how someone can be so disconnected from reality and not see how irresponsible it is to continue with this kind of behavior. She?s in a long-term relationship with th same guy she was with when she had her last child. He has denied that the last child was his.

I?m not a psychologist or anything, but I can only figure, based on other behavior, that she enjoys the attention it brings her. Even if it is potentially negative. Man, she really needs to find God, but other than praying for her, neither one of us knows what to do. Maybe that?s all we can do for now anyway and hope for an opportunity to help more.

I realize that in an effort to diversify the environment in which we midwesterners live, you have seen fit to provide us with four seasons. I am writing in regards to Winter, the coldest, drieriest season of them all.

I respectfully request that, in the future, you would please pick either snow, or cold. My personal preference is the cold without the snow, but I’ll leave some room for negotiation.

You see, I am a pedestrian by necessity. As such, the combination of the above mentioned elements makes it increasingly difficult to conduct my everyday, necessary, business. For you see, the inability to travel through the piles of snow, and rink-like patches of ice is exasperated by the amount of clothing I must wear to survive your onslaught of cold. I can sympathize with the lowering of the air temperature. After all, gas prices are on the rise and show no signs of coming down, and we’re all pinching our pennies.

Now, I accept that some believe snow to be visually pleasing, even fun to play in, and so I am willing to give in on the snow issue as well. Provided that you are willing to aggree to the following.

1) The snow shall fall only on the areas of the ground normally occupied by green plantlife including plants, trees, and various forms of flaura, hereafter referred to as “grass.” and;

2) Water, which has been frozen into a solid state, hereafter referred to as “Ice” shall not be deposited on any paved, unpaved, or encrusted surface whose primary use is to allow the passage of vehicular and/or pedestrian traffic, hereafter referred to as “streets” and/or “sidewalks.” Frozen water in the form of icicles may be affixed to the branches of trees, bushes, and/or the roofs of structures for astetic reasons, provided the affixation will not cause, nor contribute to, permenant damage of the object in question.

If we have an agreement on this issue, I look forward to a much more hastle free winter season. If not, I will continue to wine petulantly until you cave in, I am relocated to a warmer climate.

Thank you for your time and attention to this matter.

Sincerely,
TechTiger, President (and possible only member)
The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pedestrians

Not only do I love my wife more and more every day, but I continue to nerdify her each day as well. She just uttered a sentence that made my morning, “This is why We need a [file] server.” Eeeeeexcelent!!