Saturday, April 30, 2005

In this infite sea of potential that exist around us, why do we keep recreating the same realities?

I just watched, What the Bleep Do We Know.
It is a documentary about the mind.
about quantam physics
about non-linear time... if that can be comprehended
about the universe
about God
it was about EVERYTHING.

There were a couple segments in the movie that really excited me. The doctors that were interviewed spoke about the chemical reactions that occur with every emotion we feel. Every emotion has a corresponding chemical. The chemical is released into the blood stream and grab onto the recepters on every cell in our body. When we're angry, when we're in love, when we're feeling sorry for ourselves..... these are all different emotions that all create it's own chemical and fills the body with it.

So that explains perfectly WHY we repeat the same cycles over and over. Why we go through the same struggles in relationships is because we are addicted to the chemicals that are associated with certain emotions. Heroin attaches itself to the same recepters on each cell that the emotional chemicals do. This further explains that we are ADDICTED to certain behaviors due to the chemicals that are created. Did that make sense? If it didn't... just watch the movie. It explains a whole lot.

Watching the movie can effect change by understanding HOW and WHY we do what we do in any given situation... then stopping things before they happen. It went into greater detail on many different area's. I really like the idea's they had on God without dogma.

Another area that was of enormous interest to me was the work of Dr. Masaru Emoto. His study of water is proof that thoughts and feelings affect physical reality.

"Essentially, Dr. Emoto captured water's 'expressions.' He developed a technique using a very powerful microscope in a very cold room along with high-speed photography, to photograph newly formed crystals of frozen water samples. Not all water samples crystallize however. Water samples from extremely polluted rivers directly seem to express the 'state' the water is in."

"Dr. Masaru Emoto discovered that crystals formed in frozen water reveal changes when specific, concentrated thoughts are directed toward them. He found that water from clear springs and water that has been exposed to loving words shows brilliant, complex, and colorful snowflake patterns. In contrast, polluted water, or water exposed to negative thoughts, forms incomplete, asymmetrical patterns with dull colors."

It is an amazing representation of the power of words and positive thinking. Please go to the website and view the actual pictures of the water crystals.

I watched the documentary three times in a row. It was an amazing discovery for me. I enjoyed every minute and have a very clear picture of how I can implement it into my life.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Lately I've been watching TV court religiously. My favorites are Judge Mathis, Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown and The People's Court. In that order. It's a toss up on the reasons I happen to love courtroom comedy. I get a good laugh at watching folks on national tv, in front of an actual judge, airing their dirty laundry. It's hilarious. Like, piss in my pants hilarious.

Judge Mathis is my absolute favorite. Maybe it's the glasses or that weird sounding voice or the way he just calls people on their shortcomings. **shrugs** All I know is that he keeps me laughing from beginnig to end. I always agree with his rulings... actually I agree with all these judges rulings. Getting to the ruling is the fun part. And Judge Mathis got jokes. He is always clowning.

Okay so I'm watching Judge Mathis the other day and the plaintiff was sueing an ex-coworker for money owed on a loan. The plaintiff stood with his wife and proceeded to tell Judge Mathis how the loan was incurred. In the process he sez the defendant was interested in him sexually. The defendant being male... the plaintiff being male... it was a "Gay" case... back to front. The plaintiff is standing there with his wife while the story is being told. It was hilarious.

I could give you the play by play on the case but that wasn't the funniest part. That episode, Judge Mathis' brother was in the audience. So while the litigants are arguing about who was tryna get with who...

Judge Mathis asks the defendant, "Is that how things work in the gay community?"

While the defendant begins to explain Judge Mathis interrupts and says,

I just fell out laughing. It was just hilarious. I'm sitting there laughing my behind off cuz the Judges brother is like stark, raving RED. Yes! This man turned RED. And he is stunned and shocked and laughing at the Judges reference to him. If no one knew Sam was gay, now they do... cuz Judge Mathis just blurted his business on national TV. I swear my gut was aching from laughter.

So ask me again why I love Judge Mathis and all the other judges on network TV... it's COMEDY.... that's all there is to it... straight gut-busting COMEDY.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

It was still light out when the moon began rising. It was a gorgeous ball of white glowing in a purplish-orange sky. As it grew darker, the moon moved higher into the sky and grew brighter. The connection I have with the earth drew me outdoors to enjoy the beauty around me. It was very peaceful outside.

I found myself thinking of the last occasion I had enough time to actually sit down and watch the moon rise. As we progress into adulthood, we really do lose the magic that made us children. We get so busy in the day to day routine that we don't stop, take a breath and let God's beauty enfold us. I promised myself to NEVER miss the opportunity again. When it presents itself again, I will embrace it.

I've always been an admirer of this beautiful earth. But lastnight was different. I sat on a bench in my folks backyard, beneath 8 foot tall red ginger plants and stared up at the sky. It was such a beautiful evening.

The light from the moon illuminated the clouds in the sky. The stars littered the sky. In my mind, I was led to ALL THE GOOD things that have happened to me.... and that led to all the hurtful things I've experienced. There is an intrinsic relationship between the good and the bad. You CANNOT have one without the other. I am convinced that all the trials I've endured ONLY prepared me for the wonderful blessings awaiting.

To tie it all together. It is fact that the moon affects the waters on the face of the planet. It affects the tides. It is also rumoured that THE MOON AFFECTS HUMAN BEHAVIOUR. The moon's appearance last evening was about manipulating my mind to accepting the good and the bad and the changes in my life as a cycle... just as the moon orbits the earth every 29 1/2 days... so does my life follow a series of cycles.

I believe that I am finally finding the balance in my world. I am finding the value in ending the battle in my life against the series of cycles that I must experience. I am grateful to lay and bask in the rays of the moonlight and contemplate lifes struggles and lifes rewards. In the peacefulness of its rays, I have found reflection. I can look at myself with complete honesty and embrace my strengths and resolve to overcome my weaknesses.

Lifes greatest lesson thus far is HUMILITY. I wish to surrender to it. I wish to continue on in life a servant to HUMILITY, a productive citizen of the world and a servant to MY CREATOR.

Is it odd to find serenity in such a chaotic world? **big ole grin** A resounding "NO!!" answers that. My tranquility was found on a bench, under some red ginger, staring up at the moonlight.

Why is it that I feel MOST alive when I'm either really sad or unbelievably happy? When I'm teetering on either ends of the spectrum, that's when I'm most passionate and MOST emotional. Perhaps that is why I react to BOTH sides of the spectrum in the same manner --> through tears and through laughter. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm happy. I laugh when I'm sad and I laugh when I'm happy. Go figure.

It's when things are just neutral. When things aren't really that rough... monotonous even.... that's when I find myself searching for either sides of the spectrum. And in that search... trouble finds me.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

A Brief Summary of what was goin' on in my life....
I was living in New Mexico prior to this entry being written. I returned to Hawaii to testify in a sexual assault case.... my own.

I got dumped by Shane**... the same Shane** that turned out to be my first husband. So when I returned to Hawaii... I stayed. I couldn't go back to New Mexico because I was living with Shane**. Basically I had nowhere to go back to.

So there I was... a rape survivor... my life in complete turmoil because of the sexual assault. I remember at that time, I couldn't even admit to having been raped. For some reason, I equated it to being weak. I'll blog about the rape later... well... not about what happened but about where I've been.... emotionally.

Without further delay.... here is my diary entry.... 10 years ago.

Sunday, April 23rd, 1995
Dear Pepa, (i named my journal Pepa)
Lastnight, I went cruising with Bernadine and Mae. It was a whole lotta fun. We ran into Luandrias... she has changed her name to Cyrene Autumn. It was so nice to cruise with them but I still wanna go back to New Mexico.

My feelings are still very mixed up. Okay, this is the plan... if I can get on the job in New Mexico and get accepted for school then I'll be straight. And if not, then I'll probably just turn around and come home or go to L.A. or Frisco. I just need my space and I need my man. I want it all. I just don't want Shane** to brush me off. I wish he could love me as much as I for him. I'm so lonely for him. I'm sad... I wanna be with him for a long time to come. At the NCO Club on Friday, I didn't talk to no one... jus' chilled. Everywhere I turned and seen a atall, bald, Black man dressed somewhat like John** --> I'd go crazy and yearn to feel him near. I really miss him but I don't think he'll ever understand.

Oh gosh, it hurts so much. Why did I let him get that close? He says to wait 'til August... when he gets back from Saudi Arabia. I gotta know. I'm trying so hard to understand him. He says COMMITMENT is what is scaring him away and it's not me. How can that be? He thinks that I'm pressing him to marry me. Sure... it would be so nice to spend the rest of my life with him but only if he feels the same. He just flipped my world upside down again. But I'm prepared to wait for as long as I see fit.

He says there's nothing wrong with me... I'm PERFECT!... but I wanna know why he can't trust me or why it gotta end. I told him that if he never puts his heart on the line he'll never know how fulfilling it can be. I give up already. I always get close and then get jacked in the end. It doesn't take much to make me happy. It hurts so much. He makes it seem so easy to throw it all away and I told him that. He said it ain't even like that. Then, what's it like? He seems immuned to it all. It's tearing me up inside. Maybe he's right about me tryin' to get him to marry me but I still, feel too young. But I can see him and I, but it's all up to him.

I always end up with the bad end of the deal! Every man that has ever come into my life has hurt me, either by not reciprocating the feelings or just bein' a DOGGY DOGG. When is someone ever gonna love me for what I am? When are they gonna see that I'm a good woman? Physically, I can feel my heart breaking and my stomach is hurting. Love me today. I just feel sick. I wish I could just disappear.

I'm losing the ONLY person who has been there for me since the RAPE. And I'm gonna miss it.

******************

I read that today and just had to laugh. Shane** had me whooped for a good long time. My life has changed... but I only realize it when I go back to my old journals. I'm actually grateful for having these journals to look at and read and see where I've been. When I broke up with Shane**, I was soooo tempted to burn ALL OF THEM. BooBoo convinced me otherwise.

But probably, more important is the growth I've experienced within the past 10 years.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Sometimes I get so upset about something he does... and I scream, tears streaming down my face, hardly breathing... just so frustrated because there's no one that I'd care to share my issues with. I'll rarely ever blog about our arguments.... I did it once before, he found it and lost his mind about the things I said. Actually I put it on my blackplanet page. He was so upset! But it doesn't matter cuz we get through the junk.

I think that's what real commitment comes down to. The hard times are the glue that keeps it all together. Trust is my foundation... at first, the foundation was a little shaky but we've been repairing the damages done to it.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Fa real this time. No games. No questions. It may not be forever. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? What I KNOW today is that I cannot and refuse to live my life in two worlds.

I say goodbye to a string of heartache and trade it for REAL commitment. I trade "the life" for peace of mind. There is no battle anymore about old loyalties and sacred vows. My eyes, our eyes are ever focused on the same goals and that has made all the difference. So today, I really mean it, Goodbye!

I really do hope you find happiness. I have never wanted anything less for you. I have always told you that I want you to be happy even if it meant that happiness would lead you away from me. And it did. Well, as it turns out, the grass wasn't greener on the other side because you came back to me, hoping I'd take you back as I always have before. But I didn't! After you put me on the selling block, I loosed myself from the shackles that weighed me down.... and didn't turn back. So today... though I've said it before -- I really mean GOODBYE.

Though I credit you for teaching me so much and being there for me through some of my darkest days, the counter balance is that you have hurt me also. I'm not angry about having experienced all the pain and heartache because it has only prepared me to accept and appreciate the goodness I enjoy today.

It wasn't all hurt, you have put smiles on my face many times. Do you remember that Valentines Day... we got ready to go out but ended up slow dancing in our living room all evening long. We had champagne flutes filled with Becks beer. We ended up making love on the living room floor. Every single time we made love was magic even the time when I knew it was OVER. I cried when we were done because I knew in my heart that our chaotic love affair was finished. So, though I knew back then that we were through, though I've said goodbye a thousand times before.... today, I really mean it!

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Am I a "hater" because I don't think Halle Berry is all that? I've heard countless men tell me that I don't compare to her which is why I'm always hatin' on her. Whatever. I don't really care what people think and I don't think the woman is all that.

I give her props for her oscar... big whoops. Why that is her measure of success is beyond me. I don't agree with the role she took to do it. Heather Hunter could have played that role, if you ask me. I don't think she's an exceptional actress. Her acting has NEVER made me believe in her character. I'm like... that's Halle Berry acting like a slave. Did yall see QUEEN? Or... that's Halle Berry acting like a single mom. Monsters Ball. And oh my, she overdid it in BAPS. Though I love the movie, I was not feelin' her performance. Fa real. And I didn't think she was convincing, at all, in Losing Isaiah. Funny thing though, I thought she was good in Boomerang. That's the extent of my admiration for her.... if that! I kinda liked her in X-Men... but how is she gonna go from being 'Storm' to being CatWoman? **SMH** I'm sorry but Eartha Kitt CANNOT be replaced!

So why all the hate for Halle Berry? Cuz I just don't think she's all that!

Is she the standard of beauty? Men swoon over her. Women too.... as if to say other black actresses aren't as beautiful. Vanessa Williams was once the standard of beauty according to the media... back in her Miss America days. So the standard of beauty calls for COMPLETELY undressing for the camera? Is that how it goes? Or maybe you have to be half Caucasian to crossover into the general audience instead of being accepted by a minority audience?

Women who WILL NOT sell themselves short get NO recognition. I happen to think Angela Bassett is an EXCELLENT, CONVINCING actress in every role she has taken on. I'm a big Angela fan. I loved her performance in Waiting to Exhale... she smoked the hell out that cigarette in the fire scene! LOL.... and she is Betty Shabazz... whether it was in Malcolm X or Panther. She does her thang!

I am also a big Sanaa Lathan fan. That scar on her face is a slight imperfection but it makes her original, believable. Also, I just happen to think she is pure to her craft. She was outstanding in Blade and could have skipped Alien vs Predator. LOL.... Did yall see Catfish in Blackbean Sauce? That was a diverse role.

So anyway, when I was little, I seen Chaka Khan in that video "I Feel For You". I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life. She was round and curvy, had hair EVERYWHERE, a beautiful smile and cheeks for days. LOL. (What's weird is that's how I'd probably describe myself.) The media still skips a voluptuous woman in hopes of landing the next Halle. Either way, I'm sick of the media influencing the masses on what they think the standard of beauty should be. Give me Chaka over Halle all day, everyday!

I'm glad for Queen Latifah. She's making the magazine covers, hosting award shows, making movies, etc. etc. She's putting a different spin on the media's ideal of beauty. I don't think she's a great actress at all. She overacted in EVERY epidose of Living Single... but I'm glad it got airtime. And I'm just glad she's out there to counter the ideal that ONLY petite women can be beautiful.

So maybe I'm not really hatin' on Halle... I'm hatin' on the media and how they impose their standard of beauty on the masses. I still don't think Halle is all that...but I may have been a little hard on her. Whatever... we can't please everyone! LOL

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Do you know that the scar on my right knee is from playing football with my boy cousins? Or do you know that I'm lactose intolerant yet ice cream is my absolute favorite thing? Do you know that I love sunrises MORE than sunsets? And that I love the snow if I never have to drive in it?

Do you know that I love you? Do you know why you love me?

Do you know that I'm afraid of being betrayed? Not being able to trust you is my biggest fear. Please don't EVER betray that trust. Do you know I loved you the instant I laid eyes on you... the second time around? Do you know that if you fall asleep before I do, I stare at you from time to time and thank God for you?

Do you know that I believe in the goodness in your heart? I always have... even when we went through rough times. Does the thought of eternity scare you? Or can I count on seeing you around for a long while to come?

Do you know that I doubt you sometimes? Every now and again I question if you're really here for the long haul. But please don't doubt me. My love is genuine, strong, ever-lasting. And sometimes I'm afraid that you'll take it for granted and betray me in some form. Can you see me through it? Reassure me? And promise that our lives will continue to grow together?

There is something in all of us that links us to the land. Much of American society today overlooks that connection. Our need to progress technologically and industrially tends to sever the ties that connected our ancestors to the land. Rather than work with Mother Earth, the love of money leads investors to develop a housing project in the middle of a swamp... Working AGAINST Mother Earth.... I mean, just cuz the developer filled in the swamp doesn't necessarily mean that it'll stay that way at the first sight of rain. Ya feel me?

Early MAN and WOMAN had to be wanderers. I haven't delved into the study of early man but my senses tell me that they didn't settle for long. Every season carried them to wherever was safest. Do you honestly believe that early Native Americans would settle in the plain lands of Kansas if it was tornado season? Or settle in Nebraska in the middle of winter? It's just not logical. They were wanderers. Plain and simple.

Think of this: my mothers house is built on a piece of land that used to be a river bed. Should she be surprised when water collects in her yard instead of draining? I say no because in its natural state... the land should be a river bed. **SMH**

So how can I work with MOTHER EARTH? How can I help replenish MOTHER EARTH?

1. I will take only what I need from the earth. With mass fishing and mass farming nowadays, this issue is a lil hard to enforce. (I sound like a tree-hugger, don't I?)
2. Reduce consumption.... this is directly related to numero uno. I will walk or ride a bike whenever possible instead of firing up my engine and consuming more gas AND polluting the air with the car exhaust.
3. Conserve energy... (see a trend beginning... they're all kinda related. LOL)... if I don't need the AC on... I'll turn it off. Lights... turn them off if not in use.
4. Conserve water... I will stop being wasteful with water -- a natural, necessary resource!
5. Plant a tree every month.
6. Recycle! Recycle! Recycle!

These are my 6 goals for the next 6 months. I will incorporate these values so that I can help REPLENISH Mother Earth instead of taking from her. We use up so much natural resources at a rate faster than Mother Earth can replenish them. **frowning**

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

"...Baby come back, any kind of fool could see
There was something in everything about you
Baby come back, you can blame it all on me
I was wrong, and I just can't live without you..."

Isn't it funny how a song can take you back to a particular moment in your life? I'm completely guilty of this! I was two when this song came out in October 1977. Oddly enough, this song reminds me of the summer of 1986.

So there I was, a budding pre-teen with hopes of boyfriends and endless dates. **LOL** You know that silly age that most girls go through. Boy crazy. I wasn't that bad cuz I had a mother that was on ME all the time and I ain't mad at her for it. (My mother KEPT ME IN CHECK when it came to boys.)

One evening, I'm laying in the middle of a grassy field, under the stars, the ocean crashing against the shore just 50 yards away. Who am I laying out with? That summer, he was my best friend. I don't know where the rest of the kids our age were. We kinda just slipped away. Somewhere off in the distance, Baby Come Back is playing. We hear it on the wind.

He lay out his sleeping bag for us. We had intentions of playing UNO but the battery to our flashlight went out. So we sit there and talk. I never looked at this boy as a boy. He was just a person that I happened to click with. We sat there for hours... laughing, talking then laughing some more.

"...Now that I put it all together
Give me the chance to make you see
Have you used up all the love in your heart
Nothing left for me, ain't there nothing left for me..."

I felt this odd giddiness as the evening wore on. He wasn't a person anymore. He was a guy. A really cute guy at that. LOL... and I was transformed into a princess. The last words we spoke that evening were about him moving away and how we'd promise to keep in touch. We drifted off into a deep slumber.

I woke to my mother screaming at me about falling asleep next to a boy. LOL... it was completely innocent yet she took it to another level. I look back and laugh at it now. He probably does too. If he even remembers me. I hear BABY COME BACK and this is the memory it conjures up. I miss that innocense.

okay... i remember being this sad way back when. i wrote this little poem... if you wanna call it that for a man i thought i was wisely investing my time. 9 years later... i finally let go and am now VERY happy with someone else.

All Of This

I sit and watch my life pass me by
A necessary sacrifice

And I willingly give this to you
I give you the rest of forever

I give my womanhood
And the right to bear children

I give you my youth
The best days of my life

I promise to wait patiently
Standing strong as your support system

I grant you the comfort of my love
As the steal beams in your house

I'll be second in your world
If it means that someday I'll be your one and only

I'll be our future while you care for your past
If it means you'll return to me eventually

I set you free, **insert name**
I unchain you from my selfish love

All of this
For the opportunity to love you

For the chance to be the center of your world
In the hopes that all will be as it was
You and I

i don't take back any hurt i've known. it only prepared me for all of the goodness that i enjoy now.

Monday, April 04, 2005

When you make changes in your life, your whole routine is different. Your set of friends are different. Your daily discussions are different. Your routine is different. It's just like that!

I am loving the positive changes my husband and I are making. We have raised our level of thinking and have NO TIME for the little stuff that used to get in our way. We FINALLY have more common goals than common differences. That is VERY IMPORTANT! We also agree on the road that gets us to the common goals. That's rare.

I am excited about the road ahead of us. I am excited about the endless possibilities. The only sad difference is that if our old set of friends can't change along with us, they get left behind. And it's not because we choose to leave them behind. It's more that we gravitate towards like-minded individuals as will they. If our conversations only lead to differences than it makes no sense to continue the arguing. And I'm okay with that. We will continue on our road to success and they will continue to do how they do.

Sanity defined -- ALWAYS doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I'm changing my ways. Change is coming. Change is happening as we speak.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

He was much older than I was.
I wasn't physically attracted to him. Honestly, he advanced with me because of my insecurities. I was eating up the attention he was giving me. What can I say? I was still feeling awkward about the woman I was becoming.
I can't even tell you what he looks like because I honestly don't remember.

I was 19 when I finally decided to explore sex. At that age, I was a couple of years behind all my friends and all the men we were dealing with... which meant I was singled out as the "virgin". The men stayed far, far away from me cuz:

1. I had no experience and would have no idea what to do.
2. It was just a given that I'd ALWAYS say no.
3. My girls were super protective of the vultures that came calling.

Enter Sgt. White! He was new to the scene and didn't have a clue about my "history". I ate up the attention he was serving me. Okay... so I'm 19 and feeling a little behind on things because I was still a virgin. I swear it was like that 80's movie, The Last American Virgin. Do you remember that movie? I'm tellin' you I was TRYIN' to give IT away. I just wanted to get it over with.

My folks taught me abstinence all through my life. In fact, my mother was a virgin when she married my father. So naturally she expected the same of me. She said that the MOST appropriate gift I could give my husband on our wedding night is my "chastity". What a different world we live in.

The night my first experience happened... there was a full moon. Sgt. White picked me up at the spot we agreed upon. It was crazy. We went into the room and we just went to it. Sad to say that all the romantic notions I had about my FIRST TIME vanished. There was no candlelight. No "knockin' boots" music. No tender kisses all over my body. No massage. Nothing.
The man put it in me. It hurt like hell. I bled. And that was that. It was 15 minutes at the most, beginning to end. And that's being generous.

I'm sad that I gave it to someone who could never appreciate the gift I gave. That was MY BAD... cuz I should have been a little more protective of my chastity.

I'm sad that it wasn't love.

I'm sad that it wasn't special.

I wish I could do it all over again.
He didn't know he had taken my virginity until a day later. Then he thought he owned me. I was disgusted. All of a sudden he wanted to be with me just cuz he knew no one else had. **sigh**
What did I learn from all of it? I learned that I should want more for myself. I wish I wasn't so insecure back then. I wanted to "belong" so I compromised ME.... bad choice. And that really does sum it up -- It was a bad decision.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

My mother and I rarely ever get along. I admire so many of her qualities and strive to mirror them. Then there are other qualities that I react so adversely to. Most times I want to pull out my hair when we get into it about something. And the funny thing is --> the things I dislike MOST about her, I find myself doing. **sigh**

The same things I complain about my mother are the same things my husband sez about me. He speaks volumes of truth when he tells me I have an attitude problem.

Resolve... maybe everytime somebody asks me a question, I should answer it... not think about the motives behind why they asked it. LOL... that would be a wonderful start.

Friday, April 01, 2005

It's the magic that I fall in love with over and over again.
If you say that we're not brand new anymore, does that mean the magic is gone?

The electric you made me feel when we first met is magic.
The first kiss... is magic.
LOL **grinning**
The first time I seen your body is magic.
Those dimples and that smile... magic.
The love I instantly felt... magic.
How you still pursued me even though I told you to go away... magic.
How you knew you could make me love you... magic.
For now... the list is short...but today I'm remembering the ORIGINAL magic.