I remember when I was young and guys first started talking about sex. It's intimidating, all I knew was if I turned it to the Playboy channel on 68 and manually flipped back and forth between 69, you could hear the audio. On a good day you could even see a blurry titty.

Young boys are stupid and make shit up though. This one kid said, "First time I have sex I'm putting everything in...even the balls." Everyone in the circle agreed and looked at me. I put my hands in my pocket and lied, "Yeah for sure. You said the balls too, right Chris? Yup, I'm putting in everything as well."

Now that I'm older that is ridiculous, ain't nobody putting the balls in. Number one, it's rude. Number two, they wouldn't fit unless you had extremely narrow testicles, in which case you should probably get checked at your nearest medical provider immediately. Number three, how do you even ask that? "Hey babe, would it be cool if I put the balls in tonight?" She would emphatically answer, "No, that is not cool. Even if I said yes, then what? You're going to have to take them out the next thrust you idiot. Then they'll be cold. Is that what you want...cold balls?"

That question would inevitably get her sidetracked, "by the way is this pillow tempurpedic because it's hurting my neck? Why the hell do you have so many posters of Scarface? You know he dies in the end of that movie right? The scene where he's dancing with Michelle Pfeiffer is terrible, he has no rhythm at all. Why do you use magnum condoms, they're way too big? Looks like a god damn tube sock with no elastic on you. I gotta go, this isn't working. Hey, is it cool if I eat one of those Gala apples in your fridge?"