A topnotch QWE agent relives his latest mission. Full of excitement, danger, exotic weaponry, and battletrained janitors. Be amazed at the incredible stealth and disguise skills, be blown away by the skillful combat! Spy!

The QWE is the most secretive agency
in the world. As one of their top agents, even I am not allowed to
know my own code name. So efficient are the methods of QWE's
agents that we are able to prevent anything bad from ever happening,
except for when we mess up and bad things happen. We protect the
world like a stressed out parent who has had a long day and just
wants to unwind in front of the television with a cold beer.

My latest assignment was to infiltrate
Bush Bunny Laboratories, a biological weapons research facility that
has escaped detection by cleverly disguising itself as a biological
weapons research facility. I was flown to Colorado because of a
pilot error, and after some rescheduling, I was flown to New Jersey,
the actual location of Bush Bunny Laboratories. I'd never seen
such a tightly guarded building; there was at least one unarmed fat
guy outside smoking. Thinking quickly, I punched two holes in a
brown paper bag and put it over my head.

Sneaking stealthily out in the open, I
was, of course, shocked when the guard noticed me. "Hey, you!"
He shouted. "I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be here,
give me a minute while I check the employee manual."

"Too bad for you, then, that I don't
eat carrots!" I shouted stealthily. He was thrown off by the
meaningless and out of place statement, giving me enough time to hit
him in the face with my silenced shovel. He fell to the ground like
a sack of moldy cheese and chipped bricks; I took his ID card before
moving past.

I entered the building like a mute cat
with apples for feet, which is to say I slipped and fell repeatedly
as I snuck through the gray halls. Rounding a corner, I spotted the
janitor who was in the process of waxing the floors. I drew my
pistol and took aim. I didn't realize until after firing that I
was holding it backwards, but I only shouted and cursed for twenty
minutes to avoid detection. Fortunately, the janitor was listening
to his iPod and didn't hear me.

I snuck up behind him, and, with
extreme ninja-like skills, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked,
"Could I borrow a mop?"

He took his ear buds out and replied,
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that, stranger? I couldn't hear
you over this young people music."

"Could I borrow a mop?" I
repeated.

"Oh, sure" he said. "The mops
are in the storage closet with the rest of the cleaning supplies.
Here's a key," he said, handing me a key with a little tag marked
"storage closet."

I thanked him; he replaced his ear
buds and resumed waxing the floors as I located the storage closet.
To avoid slipping again and risking detection, I used nine rolls of
paper towels to wrap my feet in a protective shell of paper towel. I
also grabbed a weighty mop and returned to where the janitor was.

Like some weird mop-wielding ninja, I
beat him senseless while laughing maniacally. Fortunately, he was
still listening to his iPod and didn't notice me. I continued
through the freshly waxed halls, finding out too late that the paper
towels caused more harm than good. Suddenly, I noticed a guard as he
shouted at me and ran in my general direction.

"Sir! You must present an ID to be
in this building, sir! I just read my employee manual sir, and it
says people aren't supposed to be here if they're not supposed to
be here sir!" He shouted like some sort of inexperienced newbie
who would easily fall for my tricks. I presented the stolen ID for
his inspection, and he said, "I don't know sir, the picture of
this gentleman on this picture ID doesn't really look like you,
sir."

"Doesn't look like me? How do you
mean?" I asked in a way that made me ponder the phrasing of my
talkative statements.

"Well, sir, the gentleman in the
picture on this ID is an African-American, sir. You're clearly not
an African-American like the gentleman who owns this ID, sir. I'm
going to have to ask you to come with me, sir," he said.

"Are you telling me that my
identification is invalid because of my race, sir? Ah crap you've
got me doing it too!" I said, quickly deciding to put him down
with my silenced shovel to avoid further conversation. I stole his
ID as well, in case any other losers were working as guards.

As I reached the end of the hall, I
encountered a set of stairs and an elevator. I immediately made the
decision to use the elevator because no one would expect such
stupidity. I hit the call button and heard a pleasant "ding"
greet me as the doors opened. Not knowing which floor to go to, I
hit both of the buttons at the same time and waited as the elevator
took me to the only other floor. With another pleasant "ding",
the doors slid open and I performed a quick victory dance. Suddenly,
the doors began to close and I had to hurry through as the elevator
returned to the ground floor, I lost a shoe in the process.

This second floor had far greater
security than the first; I didn't see anyone but the walls were
green and not gray, which I took to mean more security. Fortunately,
I don't know my wall color-codes and soon found the second floor to
be entirely unguarded. I located the CEO's office and found that
the storage closet key unlocked the door for some reason.

I entered the office valiantly like
someone who is not lame and suddenly realized that my superiors, in
the interest of secrecy, did not tell me my mission. In my anger, I
took a quick nap on the floor. As I awoke, the janitor had regained
consciousness and was vacuuming the carpet. I drew my silenced
shovel and beat him as if I were holding a stolen mop. I stole the
CEO's computer, and then threw the monitor through the window
stealthily to make my escape.

On the way back to HQ, I lost the
computer, but I was not of high enough clearance to know whether the
mission was a success or not. Essentially, I was in the clear. News
of the end of my mission spread quickly to a single newsstand, which
was dismantled by QWE agents while the employees were captured and
replaced with Chinese spies.

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