Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Running with Oda

I feel like I can’t get thin because my thighs are holding me back. Literally. How am I supposed to run as fast as all those skinny people when I’ve got these big thighs slapping each other around like sisters?

Oda Mae is half miniature beagle, half mutt and part wimp. Basically she looks like a beagle that God stretched long ways and blew up to be 15 pounds overweight. When we adopted her, the receptionist said she would max out at 20 lbs. She’s 35.

We even feed her weight management dog food, and she keeps getting bigger. One time Oda was eating her fat girl dog food, and I was eating carrots and we decided to go to McDonald’s. Oda’s decision mostly.

Let’s just say she’s my genetic miracle, but athlete she is not. When we go for a run together, my cottage cheese factory is in full motion, and her fat rolls ripple in the wind.

And together we rule this neighborhood.

I wouldn’t say that we run together as a team, per se. I run at a 20 minute mile pace, and Oda runs happily at a sprint in front of me. Then Oda finds the scent from a squirrel that ate a nut two days ago and stops to smell it. I keep running only to get yanked backwards by the physical force of planted Oda. Then I tug on the leash and yell “Oda! Move!” Oda runs happily at a sprint in front of me, and the cycle starts all over again… Thus said, we don’t get very far.

The worst was when a woman ran faster than us up a hill, and she was pushing one of those high-tech running strollers - with 2 kids in it. That’s when Oda looked at me and nearly said, “We totally suck.”

But Oda and I have our own running club, and not anyone can join. You have to be especially cool to join it, and people like workout instructors can NOT join. Anyone with a natural affinity to sweating is OUT.

Our club is mostly for people who put on their workout clothes and say they will do sit ups while watching Oprah. But because Oprah is such a compelling show, you mostly just lay on the floor in your spandex.

Don’t tell the City of Mission, but I really don’t like to carry poop bags around with me either. How is a person supposed to run with a filled poop bag? Once Oda starts to do her business in a front yard, I take off her leash. Then before the house inhabitants come running after me, I yell, “Did someone loose a dog?”

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I used to perform standup comedy but tired of the constant worry of people looking at me and thinking how fat my elbow looks. So now I document the funny incidents of my life and only reveal headshots or above the elbow pictures of myself to the public. hee hee.