Not escaping 2007 less than scathed after all

December 31, 2007

Ah yes, the neverending saga that is BroDucky. He’s delusional. Is there any other explanation? After our knockdown, drag-out, earsplitting fight two weeks ago in which he declaimed all sorts of morally reprehensible things such as the rightness of his decision-making, etc., etc., after telling me in words, actions and behavior that our family means less than burnt beans to him ….. he wants to move back home.

He says that he’s tried and tried, he’s hit rock bottom, has nowhere to go, nothing left, no friends, and on and on. Says he wants to come home and help our family, help our mother, help me. Can I believe a word of it? Certainly not.

Yep. It’s been a very merry week of strife.

After much agonizing, I still have to stick to my guns: he needs to get a job, he needs to get his act together on his own, he needs to pay me back, and needs to own up to his mistakes and actually physically try to make things right on his own. Not by mewling to me about how he knows that he’s hurt me multiple times, and then having me save him from his mistakes so that he can go right back out and do it again.

Families are, in so many ways, so very complicated. Parenting seems more impossible than ever, if this is any example of the results.

I’ve begun to search for a new abode. His pigsty habits aside, I don’t believe that he’ll truly strike out on his own and try to make his own life so long as his family is accessible to beg.

For tonight? I wish everyone a very happy New Year, and plan to hunker down indoors, take no calls, make no calls, and generally hide from humanity for just one evening.

10 Responses to “Not escaping 2007 less than scathed after all”

Although it’s title seems like this book isn’t applicable to you, I believe it can help you immensely. It is called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and the first time I read it my jaw dropped in recognition. It is very difficult having narcissistic family members and I wish you the best of luck in the New Year.

You’ve begun to search for “a new abode”? Do you mean that you’re thinking of moving out of the house you share with your parents? Sorry to sound skeptical, but how will it help–financially speaking–to maintain TWO homes (two rents, duplicate pots & pans, two sets of furniture, etc)? And who would be there to keep a close eye on your aging/ailing parents? Or do you mean that you’d move WITH your parents to a different home?

As for BroDucky, it seems that he still hasn’t found a job. What is he doing with himself all day? Do you think he has substance abuse issues or emotional problems (in which case, a treatment program might help), or does he lack basic job skills (in which case, vocational training might be the answer)? Are his career goals realistic, in light of his education and qualifications (maybe he’s looking for jobs in the wrong places and needs career counseling)? It’s hard to understand why he seems so lazy and unmotivated–especially in comparison to his overachieving sister–unless there are other factors you haven’t mentioned. (No need to spell them out publicly for your readers, but please do give this some thought.)

~E.C.~ They are supportive. They’re saddened by the necessity, but they understand that this is what has to be done, and that I’m the only one who can “get away” with doing it. For some reason, no matter how hard I am on him, he hasn’t held a grudge against me, whereas he displaces all his aggression and plays the blame game towards my parents as if it’s their fault that he’s squandered every opportunity they’ve given him.

~Anon~ Thank you for the recommendation, I’ll find a copy of that book.

~FB~ Yep. I know you know. He’s not just stressing me, more unforgiveably, he’s stressing my relationships with people through his actions. We’re doing the best we can, though. Poor BoyDucky, I wouldn’t want to marry into this, I still don’t understand why he’d be willing to.

~sabrina~ Oops I was unclear. I’d be moving them with me. There’s no way to protect them from his conniving ways, if I’m not on the scene. And the reason I never moved out to save my sanity before was precisely because paying for two households is currently impossible/unfeasible.

The day he took the car, he said he had the job because he took it without permission. And promptly managed to lose it, claiming that the manager said he had to have a settled, permanent residence before they’d take him back. I’m sure that his vagabond mentality had more to do with that than his actual status. If he was serious about the job, he’d make sure he was there on time, every day, and prove that not having a settled home life wouldn’t be a problem. I think it’s evident that he’s relying on excuses instead of willpower and that shines through.

He definitely has emotional issues to do with dependency and some kind of inferiority mentality where he needs to be top of the heap. However, the only way for him to BE at the top of a heap without hard work is to pick progressively lower and seedier heaps.

Additionally, he’s fairly delusional in thinking that he can dream up all sorts of ways to make the “big money” and refuses to approach any plan with more substance than shine to sell. I have tried hard to motivate him, but honestly? He’s a selfish jerk. He literally does not care one iota for his family, and says so, when he’s doing well. His actions and speech all clearly indicate that he only wants to be able to use his family, and doesn’t feel any obligation towards us, whatsoever.

That’s the basic stuff that’s pretty clear to anyone who meets him. Whatever underlies these issues are deeper waters. And I’ve put so much time and energy trying to just be supportive, motivational or any of the things he claims he needs from us to succeed that I’m worn out.

Sorry if my advice sounded naive and glib. It’s hard for me to understand that type of personality. But I really sympathize with you. It seems so unfair that the way your brother conducts HIS life has such a great impact on yours; imagine what your life would be like if he was a responsible decision-maker and a co-contributor to the household finances, instead of a perpetual economic and emotional drain!

~sabrina~ Far from it, it’s perfectly sensible advice! I myself can’t understand his personality, even after trying to explain it to you, and oftentimes I wonder if that’s what stands in my way of coping with him in a more productive manner. Then again, no one I know understands it either, so we’re not alone in that.

Many times, I’ve tried the whole power of positive thinking technique hoping that he would become a productive, responsible adult, but it’s simply just not happened. Friend T tells me never to give up hope, but that’s just given me indigestion. ;P I guess what I’m trying to say is that you have suggested some good avenues of action, but I’m not ready to commit myself in another quest to save him from himself. He’s a fulltime job, and I just can’t take on any more, voluntarily, when there’s so much going on already. Perhaps after the wedding! I will definitely give it some thought, either way.

So if you and your parents move won’t he just be able to come to wherever you are? I mean you’re not moving out of the LA area? OTOH seems like you have a very long commute to your job, so any nearer would be good though I suspect it’s expensive in that area.

Although it’s title seems like this book isn’t applicable to you, I believe it can help you immensely. It is called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and the first time I read it my jaw dropped in recognition. It is very difficult having narcissistic family members and I wish you the best of luck in the New Year.

You’ve begun to search for “a new abode”? Do you mean that you’re thinking of moving out of the house you share with your parents? Sorry to sound skeptical, but how will it help–financially speaking–to maintain TWO homes (two rents, duplicate pots & pans, two sets of furniture, etc)? And who would be there to keep a close eye on your aging/ailing parents? Or do you mean that you’d move WITH your parents to a different home?

As for BroDucky, it seems that he still hasn’t found a job. What is he doing with himself all day? Do you think he has substance abuse issues or emotional problems (in which case, a treatment program might help), or does he lack basic job skills (in which case, vocational training might be the answer)? Are his career goals realistic, in light of his education and qualifications (maybe he’s looking for jobs in the wrong places and needs career counseling)? It’s hard to understand why he seems so lazy and unmotivated–especially in comparison to his overachieving sister–unless there are other factors you haven’t mentioned. (No need to spell them out publicly for your readers, but please do give this some thought.)

~E.C.~ They are supportive. They’re saddened by the necessity, but they understand that this is what has to be done, and that I’m the only one who can “get away” with doing it. For some reason, no matter how hard I am on him, he hasn’t held a grudge against me, whereas he displaces all his aggression and plays the blame game towards my parents as if it’s their fault that he’s squandered every opportunity they’ve given him.

~Anon~ Thank you for the recommendation, I’ll find a copy of that book.

~FB~ Yep. I know you know. He’s not just stressing me, more unforgiveably, he’s stressing my relationships with people through his actions. We’re doing the best we can, though. Poor BoyDucky, I wouldn’t want to marry into this, I still don’t understand why he’d be willing to.

~sabrina~ Oops I was unclear. I’d be moving them with me. There’s no way to protect them from his conniving ways, if I’m not on the scene. And the reason I never moved out to save my sanity before was precisely because paying for two households is currently impossible/unfeasible.

The day he took the car, he said he had the job because he took it without permission. And promptly managed to lose it, claiming that the manager said he had to have a settled, permanent residence before they’d take him back. I’m sure that his vagabond mentality had more to do with that than his actual status. If he was serious about the job, he’d make sure he was there on time, every day, and prove that not having a settled home life wouldn’t be a problem. I think it’s evident that he’s relying on excuses instead of willpower and that shines through.

He definitely has emotional issues to do with dependency and some kind of inferiority mentality where he needs to be top of the heap. However, the only way for him to BE at the top of a heap without hard work is to pick progressively lower and seedier heaps.

Additionally, he’s fairly delusional in thinking that he can dream up all sorts of ways to make the “big money” and refuses to approach any plan with more substance than shine to sell. I have tried hard to motivate him, but honestly? He’s a selfish jerk. He literally does not care one iota for his family, and says so, when he’s doing well. His actions and speech all clearly indicate that he only wants to be able to use his family, and doesn’t feel any obligation towards us, whatsoever.

That’s the basic stuff that’s pretty clear to anyone who meets him. Whatever underlies these issues are deeper waters. And I’ve put so much time and energy trying to just be supportive, motivational or any of the things he claims he needs from us to succeed that I’m worn out.

Sorry if my advice sounded naive and glib. It’s hard for me to understand that type of personality. But I really sympathize with you. It seems so unfair that the way your brother conducts HIS life has such a great impact on yours; imagine what your life would be like if he was a responsible decision-maker and a co-contributor to the household finances, instead of a perpetual economic and emotional drain!

~sabrina~ Far from it, it’s perfectly sensible advice! I myself can’t understand his personality, even after trying to explain it to you, and oftentimes I wonder if that’s what stands in my way of coping with him in a more productive manner. Then again, no one I know understands it either, so we’re not alone in that.

Many times, I’ve tried the whole power of positive thinking technique hoping that he would become a productive, responsible adult, but it’s simply just not happened. Friend T tells me never to give up hope, but that’s just given me indigestion. ;P I guess what I’m trying to say is that you have suggested some good avenues of action, but I’m not ready to commit myself in another quest to save him from himself. He’s a fulltime job, and I just can’t take on any more, voluntarily, when there’s so much going on already. Perhaps after the wedding! I will definitely give it some thought, either way.

So if you and your parents move won’t he just be able to come to wherever you are? I mean you’re not moving out of the LA area? OTOH seems like you have a very long commute to your job, so any nearer would be good though I suspect it’s expensive in that area.