86 Rules of Boozing

Today: Rules 71-86

It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice. [hell, I do this all the time... when it's time to go, I go]

Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass. [pay fucking cash as you go next time dickhead]

If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it. [if you sneak it to the bar, you deserve to have your ass kicked]

If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink. [heh... you to the back of the fucking line]

Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious. [it all makes you stupider than you already are]

The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar. [fuck the idiot who does this]

Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .” [so why the fuck are you asking for it?]

When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying. [wait till buys all the drinks, then kick his ass]

If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you. [don't ficking come back at all, thjat's why you were kicked out]

Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way. [why?]

If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor. [not true at all, it's just clear]

There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work. [meh]

The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call. [you are twice as drunk after midnight, dumbass]

A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it. [and it better not be some fucking fruity flavored schnapps]

On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss. [depends on who you are sharing it with... abeautiful babe or some big smelly hairy bastard]

You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink. [no shit]

86 Rules of Boozing

Today: Rules 61-70

Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block. [a good way to get your ass thrown out too]

If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him. [always say yes if the other guy is buying]

If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response. [yeah right, that like trying to pick up a titty dancer, besides you ain't waiting around till 3am]

The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers. [no shit, how do you think they got all that money in the first place]

Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.” [dip-shit]

Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning. [same fucking thing as last night]

If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar. [sage advice - stay your ass out of the service well too]

If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours. [the coldest beer is mine]

The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers. [sounds like hillbilly Harvey is having a party!]

86 Rules of Boozing

Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row. [You aren't the DJ, but if he does that, he not very good]

Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar. [or right after you've left]

Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know. [put your own friggin money in if you want to hear something special]

Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean. [who thought that up.. everyone lies in the bar!]

If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English. [If you think you may be slurring, then you are probably fucking drunk]

Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked. [you were likely to get your ass kicked in places I worked]

For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight. [3 percent?... more like 10 or 20 percent]

Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious. [no shit]

If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move. [fuck your friend.. don;t laugh if he's not funny, and he'son his own as far as wingmen]

If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended. [if you are broke stay the fuck home, otherwise if your friend is "making sport of you" he needs an ass whuppin']

86 Rules of Boozing

You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth. [you can tell how good a BJ a girl gives by how she lips her longneck]

A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else. [if you puke on the bar, clean it up before you get kicked out]

Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it. [being drunk is feeling good]

It's okay to drink alone. [I only drink when I'm by myself or with someone]

After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”. [I can't remember anyone's name... you are known by what you drink]

86 Rules of Boozing

Today: Rules 31-40

If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one [If there's not at least one left, someone's gettin an ass-whuppin].

You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25 [what does cost have to do with it?].

The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor [theiving bastard shoot be shot].

If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge [you better drink all of it you cheap asshole].

Learn to appreciate hangovers [fuck you]. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it .

If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried [don't be such a pussy... go get drunk].

Try one new drink each week [only if you are a rookie].

If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you [or tells you to shut the fuck up]. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him [just don't let him tell you any dumbass jokes].

Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change [always], but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back [bullshit] . To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value [another fucking lie].

If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are Harveya cheap ass.

Part of being young is being stupid, and anyone who tells you that he or she has never gotten drunk is either lying, boring, a Mormon, or some combination thereof. But just because so many people get drunk doesn't make it OK. A recent survey found that 3 out of every 5 college students have engaged in binge drinking. Binge drinking completely thrashes your liver and kidneys, not to mention puts you at risk of death via alcohol overdose. But you don't need us lecturing at you... you know that massive drinking is bad. How do you know? Because your mother tells you - no, not Mother Goose... Mother Nature.

A nasty hangover is Mother Nature's way of telling you, "Fool, I thought I told you not to drink so much. Now you gonna pay." (Don't ask us why Mother Nature sounds like Mr. T.) Hangovers can completely incapacitate you, giving you an upset stomach, a huge headache, a gross-tasting mouth, and a guilty conscience. So what we've constructed for you are some tips for easing the pain and curing that hangover. We only expect you to use this article once. If you find that you need our help to cure your hangovers every weekend (no matter how happy all those page views will make us), we insist that you contact Alcoholics Anonymous right away. People (especially those in their 20s) usually revel in binge drinking, but it really can be life-threatening.

Understand What Alcohol Does To Your Body

They don't call it intoxication for nothing. Happy juice is poisonous. Put enough of it into your body and you die. What concerns us here, however, is not so much alcohol itself (which we'll take as a given) but the by-products of alcohol, and especially one particularly nasty chemical critter by the name of acetaldehyde. It's got a lot more of the bad kind of kapow, and the latest research suggests that it may be responsible for the worst of your hangover.

Symptoms

After you ingest alcohol, your body breaks it down into (among other things) acetaldehyde, before converting it into less harmful substances. The acetaldehyde messes with your brain at the same time as a host of depleted minerals are short-circuiting your nervous system, and that's in addition to low blood sugar and the classic headache-and-dry-mouth symptoms caused by dehydration. The result: nausea, twitchy nerves, unpleasantness, pessimism, terrible brain pain, and a temporary suspension of the laws of gravity.

The severity of a hangover varies according to . . .

The amount you've guzzled in a given period of time
Your own innate enzymatic capacity to deal with the poisons
Your age

Translation: the more you drink in a short amount of time, the more you'll feel the alcohol. One's weight is also a factor (the less you weigh, the more you'll feel it), as is a genetic predisposition. Finally, the older you get, the more you'll feel the alcohol the next morning. (I was wondering about about. I used to drink like a fish during my college days and never have half the hangover I do now-a-days...The Bartender.)