Dear Gregger,
5 years, 60 months, 1825 days, 43,800 hours, 2,628,000 minutes, 157,680,000 seconds since you’ve been gone. I thought it’d be different by now. Not quite so raw. But. It stings. Burns. Aches. The pain. Sadness. Tears. Far too pronounced. Wetting the corners of my eyes. My face. Emptying my heart of the pain. I'll be okay. But. For the moment. I remember. You are gone. And the pain is real.
Somedays I can barely remember my telephone number. I search frantically for a word, a name. Blank. Nothing. But the vivid memories of August 30th, 2014? They are etched in my brain. I blink my eyes. I’m back on the beach. Black Rock. Maui. Sun shining. Ocean blue. Perfect Hawaiiian Read more [...]

As I reflect on my birthday this year (and it’s a big one), I ask myself, “Is this what I thought this age would look like?” Where did I think I would be? This was most definitely not the life I’d planned. But. I am happy with the me I’ve become. So I believe that’s an amazing accomplishment. A gift to myself. Why did it take so long? Why couldn’t I have learned these things and lived this life years ago? Why couldn’t I have been this “me” for all of my life? Maybe it took this journey to get me to this place. Maybe it took life’s hard lessons to make me realize the simple things. And. I suppose that’s what life is really all about. Such simple wisdom. Such simple truth. Read more [...]

Dear Gregger,
Happy 65th Birthday! Wow! What woulda, coulda, shoulda been. A celebration. Party. Reflection. Your request?Understated. Family. Maybe. But. Knowing what I know now. NEVER. You deserve BIG. Birthdays. Every one worthy of celebration. Because. We never know when it’s going to be our last. So. WE will CELEBRATE. WE will rejoice in your LIFE. WE will treasure the moments we had. Not the moments we LOST. Because there were far too many.
Birthdays. Each one a gift. A time to renew. Milestones. 18. 21. 25. 40. 50. And then. 65. Medicare. Retirement. Slow down. LOL! Never. You. The original energizer bunny. Going, going, going. Morning to night. Your gears spinning. Faster. Harder. Read more [...]

Dear Gregger,
43 Years…Our Anniversary…Happy? 4 ½ years ago it was. For 38 years it was a day to celebrate. Us. But today? No. For better or worse. ‘Til death do us part. As we did. Parted. August 30th, 2014. I stand here alone. 43 years. Wondering. Wishing. Wanting. But that’s all I can do. I believed in fairytales. Happily ever afters. This wasn’t our ending. I want a rewrite. Now what? How do I “celebrate?” How can I find joy on this special day that joined us together as “one?” We were writing our story. But there are so many blank pages. I can only go back and read what was. Because that’s all there will ever be. Memories.
January 10, 1976. Our first dance. “We’ve Read more [...]

As I sit here reflecting on 2018, I ask myself, “What would I do differently? What would I change? How could I have been better?” I don’t have exact answers. It was a year of happy moments, a year of loss, a year of ups, downs, and all the in-betweens. It was LIFE. Every day presented something new. A challenge. An obstacle. Joy. Stress. Family. Friendship. Laughter. Love. But, each day was an opportunity to grow. To learn. To become better. To be kind. Compassionate. Patient. Empathic. Nurturing. And grateful. Always grateful. Not for “things.” But for the people we are so blessed to have in our lives. The people who fill our hearts. We so often take these people for granted. We forget. Read more [...]

4 years. 48 months. 1440 days. 34,560 hours. 2,073,600 minutes. 124,416,000 seconds. An eternity. An instant. Forever. A flash. Time. Gone. From earth to shining star. In heaven. August 30th, 2014.
August 29th. Our life was magical. Vacation. Maui. Beautiful. Magical. Sunshine. Family. Laughter. And love. Perfect. And in a moment. Gone. My love. Husband. Father. Brother. Friend. Gone. Our lives. Our love. Our magic. One moment. Lives changed. Forever. How? Why? There are no answers. Reasons. Even logical explanations. We can’t imagine. We don’t think it will happen. In the moment, it seems impossible. It did for me. We take for granted. We live. We breathe. And one day. We don’t. It was Read more [...]

Dear Gregger –
🎈Happy 64th Birthday! 🎉 Really? Is that even possible? Wasn’t it just yesterday I was planning your surprise party? Four years. Past. Gone. Your 60th birthday. Your last. Your best. What I wouldn’t give for one more celebration. You should be here. We should be celebrating. We should be raising our glasses together.🥃🍷 But. God had different plans. As the old saying goes, “We make plans and God laughs.” Well he must have had one good chuckle when he heard our plans.
I could make this about me. How I miss you. 💔Miss us. Miss my friend. My partner. My best love. But. You know all that. Or. I hope you do. I thought it’d be easier by now. It’s not. Read more [...]

I’ve been off the grid. Nothing life shattering. Just. Life. In the past, I would have stressed. I’d push myself. Write. Get it done. Post. Something. Not now. I stop. And enjoy. Don’t get me wrong. I love writing. Connecting. Sharing. But life. It’s precious. And I need to enjoy. Cherish. And live. In. The. Moment. I don’t want to look back and say, “Shoulda.” I want to look back and say, “I did.” So. I am. Busy. With family. Friends. Baby. Sweet. Precious. Moments.
I spoke of this with a friend the other day. He was kind enough to point out the “unobvious.” “You are moving on. You are okay. You don’t need “outlets.” Or venting mechanisms. You’ve figured it out. Read more [...]

The dating game. Sucks. Truly. I’m happy to say, I’m officially off the online market. Cannot take one more loser. Weirdo. Liar. Manipulator. I’d rather be alone. For the rest of my life. I decided. One more try. I had shut down. But again. I was bored. So why not? Check it out. Read the messages. They’re humorous. Entertaining. I was lured in. They were cheesy. But. Better than nothing. It was Saturday night. And there I was. Alone. On my couch. With Angel. How pathetic. One dude. Talked about feeling young. Acting young. Laughter. (I was ready. Laughter was enticing.) Surround yourself with happiness. Sounded good. On paper. Of course. Anyone can. Gave my number. Hated messaging on Read more [...]

“Grief is a big bowl to hold. It takes so many formations, so many textures and colors. You never know how or when it will rear its head and take a hold of you. Sometimes you cry unfathomably, some days you feel guilty because you haven’t cried, and in other moments you are so angry or filled with anxiety you just don’t know what to do.”
I thought I had won. The battle. Beaten the waves of emotion. It’s year four. I thought I’d passed. The tests. The hard stuff. The firsts. The surprises. The “creepers.” (Those grief moments that just appear.) But suddenly, it emerged. Like a tsunami. As tiny tremors, then earthquakes rocked my world, they unraveled the grief buried deep within. Read more [...]