You'll All Be Sorry

In the posh apartment Peter (Spider-Man) Parker shares with his super-model wife…

MARY JANE: Peter? Peter, are you in here? **giggle!**

PETER: I missed you, MJ! I missed you SO MUCH!

MARY JANE: I can TELL! I mean Peter, the flowers and champagne in the foyer…how thoughtful of you! What a nice welcome home, really. Can I turn on the light? I can't see you at all, you big cutie!

PETER: No, not yet. I…I just want to see you like that…s'more romantic, okay?

MARY JANE: I think my face is stuck in the "sultry look" after three weeks in Europe doing nothing but modeling for that stupid swimsuit magazine. But I promise, after being away so long, I don't need any flowers to feel romantic. Face it, Tiger. You're about to hit the jackpot.

PETER: Heh. Get in the bed, Ms. Watson-Parker. I've been here waiting for you.

MARY JANE: Mmmm…like a good boy?

PETER: Oh, I've been VERY good.

MARY JANE: Well, I don't LIKE good boys. **chuckle**

PETER: Guess I'd better learn to be bad, then, huh?

MARY JANE: Hm. You don't sound very convincing. Maybe I should go out and find myself a REAL bad boy, like Carnage or Doctor Octopus…?

PETER: Oh, no. Listen, I promise…you get in the bed with me and I'll SHOW you how bad I can be. God, you smell wonderful.

MARY JANE: It's a prototype for my new personal fragrance…you like?

PETER: I like a lot. Now get over here.

MARY JANE: Okay, I'm coming…OW!

PETER: You all right? What happened?

MARY JANE: I tripped! Ew…Peter Parker, there's WEBBING across the doorway here! I fell right over it…ick. Now it's on my pants…Yuck!

PETER: Would you please accept this web-sack full of sperm and then kill me and devour my corpse?

MARY JANE: WHAT?!!?

PETER: Just this once?

MARY JANE: Peter Parker! Have you gone INSANE? What the **** are you TALKING about?!?!

PETER: Honey, it's no big deal! LOTS of people do it! All you have to do is accept this web-sack full of sperm into your reproductive organs, and then kill me and use me for food until you can excrete eggs into a cocoon. Simple! Come on, be a good sport--You might even like it!

MARY JANE: Oh, my GOD. What is that I'm feeling?

PETER: Oh, that's just my anterior cephalothorax. Anyway, how about it? I'll be gentle, I promise. Just accept my sperm and kill me and eat me this one time, okay? I'll never ask again.

PETER: I'm NOT POUTING. Hiss. If you don't want to indulge in a little harmless experimenting…

MARY JANE: LISTEN TO ME. When you were bitten by that radioactive spider, you gained all those wonderful powers and became a s superhero. And you're the BEST at it, Tiger. You're the funniest, the smartest, the coolest hero in the WHOLE WORLD. But, honey, that spider's DNA-it must be catching up with your metabolism. You're going through some sort of delayed metamorphosis!

PETER: Click Hiss Snick I ate three hundred grasshoppers today. Click. Hey, you think this is easy for me? You're kind of repulsive to me now, snick click hiss. Only two eyes and arms, and you don't even have a hardened epigyne anterior plate! I had to read Charlotte's Web TWICE to get interested enough to fill the web-sack! And now you won't even kill and eat me! SOME RELATIONSHIP!

MARY JANE: Peter…I'm sorry. I can't. I can't do that for you. I can't accept your…web thing. I'm scared of what you've become…

PETER: Really? Huh. Well, then you probably don't even want to HEAR what body part all this WEBBING came out of snick click hiss hiss click.

Spider-Man and all related characters are ™ & Marvel Comics. All other characters are ™ & their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.

You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.