I've been a bad, bad blogger this year. It's getting pretty ridiculous how slack I've become on posting. Kudos to those of you who are still visiting. I've noticed my views have dwindled down significantly from what they once were, not sure if that's due to the lack of posting, bad content, or a combination of both, but I'm still planning on plugging away at this thing I've created here, for better or worse.

Maybe I'm not as motivated to blog as I once was because things have been going pretty smoothly in my life. Negativity has always seemed to inspire me way more than positivity. Sad, but true. Don't get me wrong, I still have problems, even the same old ones that have haunted me for years. I guess I'm just better able to deal with them now. Something in me has changed lately, and I feel more confident and comfortable with myself than ever before which is strange considering I just keep getting older and fatter. I keep thinking, "Man, if I had just had the confidence I have now when my skin was tight and my body was bangin'. I could have conquered the world..."

I was reminded recently just how much I've changed both physically and mentally when I wore this beautiful, lacy top. The last time I remember wearing it for the blog was in a post that garnered a lot of attention for it's melodramatic glorification of a scandalous affair (True story, haters, deal with it). I was 2 years younger and 10 pounds lighter, but I remember being so scared of everything - scared of how I was being perceived, scared of what people were saying, scared of just being me.

It's so funny how life works. I may not be as "hot" as I once was on the outside, but I feel hotter than ever inside. I'm much more comfortable with who I am as a person and all the things that make me uniquely me. In fact, I've even been sporting my dreaded curls as of late. It all started when I went down to Florida for vacation. There's no fighting the curls in that humidity, so I had to just go with them. Combine that with 2 weeks of humid, overcast conditions here at home, and well, I said fuck it and stopped doing any styling at all to my hair and have been going au naturel. It's felt really liberating. I know on the surface it's just hair, but deep down it's so much more than that. The simple fact is that it feels really good to let go of trying to be who you think everyone else wants you to be and just be yourself.

CONVERSATION

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comments:

Ugh. I always secretly feared that below my admiration, nay, my adoration, of you was a pool of envy. Then, you revealed THIS HAIR. It's official - as much as I love you and applaud all your efforts and contributions, I hate you a little bit. Just a little. You gorgeous girl. What you say about negativity vs. positivity in the creative vein is true, of course. If Van Gogh had anti-depressants, we would not have Starry, Starry Night. Whaddya gonna do? Have a wonderful weekend :o)

You may think you were "hotter" ten pounds ago, but now you look beautiful. The happiness is truly radiating through your pics-not just these but all your later ones and that makes you more beautiful and confident and "hotter" too! When I was at my most thin, I was at the low point of my life. A lot of times I look back at those pics and wish I could look like that again, but I forget to remember why I was so skinny-I couldn't eat, wasn't sleeping, and was crying all the time. I may have gained some weight since then, but I'm a happier and mentally healthier person now. I try very VERY hard to remember that every time I step on the scale in the morning and wish I was even 5 pounds smaller than I am now. Of course that doesn't stop me from going to the gym (UGH!!!!!) and feeling guilty when I scarf a cookie or four. I'm working through my body image issues, and I'm happy encouraged to see you conquer yours. And by the way, I LOVE your hair like that-jealous!

Wow, your hair is really curly! You are so lucky! Why the heck do you straighten it all the time? It looks fantastic! You do look so happy here, which is nice to see! I'm glad you are in a happy space in your life now. And you'd better not abandon your blog! I look forward to my morning coffee and reading your posts!

What Kristin said. The skinniest I've ever been in my adult life was when also my unhappiest time. My very very long-term boyfriend and I were breaking up and I was a mess of anxiety. I couldn't eat and the only thing that lessened the anxiety for a bit was working out. I got in awesome shape, I got tons of compliments, but I felt like shit the whole time. Not worth it.

On the other hand, my favorite pictures of myself are from ten pounds later when I ditched the loser, met another guy who really appreciated me, and was having an awesome summer in Rome. I have this huge ear-to-ear smile--a lot like yours in the pics above!

Same here, Katie. The skinniest I've ever been since I was a teenager was 5 years ago when I went through a terrible bout of debilitating anxiety. I couldn't eat or sleep either. I dropped 15 pounds in 2 weeks. Not worth it.

I guess the grass is always greener. I've always hated my curls. I think it might have something to do with the control freak in me. I can't control this curly hair. I just have to comb it out wet and let it do what it's going to do. It scares me a little.

Yep, That's me. Mayhaps I should expand on my connotations. I think this line in your piece boils things down. "The simple fact is that it feels really good to let go of trying to be who you think everyone else wants you to be and just be yourself." We all fight this battle every day, and question where to find our balance. I'm just excited to hear you make the statement. It's nice to see progress, as I try to make my way. Gives me hope for myself and others. We all get attached to the roles we play whether they're healthy or not. I like the way James Baldwin said it. "Nothing is more desirable than to be released from an affliction, but nothing is more frightening than to be divested of a crutch"... Sweeet! indeed.

Before even reading the post, I was just looking at the pictures and thinking: "oh, wow. these are the most gorgeous I've ever seen on this blog." And all of that was the way you're smiling here - you look really, truly happy, and it gives you a kind of radiance no amount of makeup or dieting or fancy clothes can ever produce (though the hair doesn't hurt - love the curls! I get similar sort of waves if I don't brush my hair out while it's wet, but somehow mine just always end up looking like a lion's mane that got in a fight with a light socket. I am envious!).

As someone who's in the "skinny" phase... yeah, no, I liked myself better when there was more of me. I was sort of unhappily average through high school and most of college, but my closest friends all walked out on me in rapid succession and I went down 40lbs because there were so many days where either I a) was too depressed to do anything more than claw through my work and go back to sleep, b) couldn't eat because the anxiety was so bad it made me physically ill, or c) forgot to eat because my body had stopped expecting food and everything was a sort of timeless fog, and now people keep telling me I look "amazing" (I've even heard I'm "lucky" because I "didn't even do anything" to lose weight), and I don't think I've ever felt more like some sort of hideous bog monster. I won't let anyone take pictures of me now because I don't want to remember what feeling like that looks like - not even close to being 1% worth it. And somehow, I suspect that whether or not someone cares about you is going to have less to do with ten pounds here or there and more to do with whether you believe you're worth caring about.

I can't imagine anyone having something unpleasant to say about these photos. You look infinitely lovely, and all I can think right now is: I hope I can smile like that someday.