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Science is around you everywhere. At the supermarket. In your home. In the box of books someone so “generously” donated to the library. Why look – learn how to give a sensual massage, that’s anatomy AND health! A car repair manual for a 1988 Ford – how about some electrical engineering! A…moth? A fucking moth! Run for your liiiiiivess!

See that? Moths with skull tattoos will sit on your face and make you eat people.

Moths are pure evil. Actually, no, scratch that. Moths are like 80% evil. Pure uncut evil belongs to spiders. Then 90% evil belongs to flying ants because that’s some crazy shit with the flying and being an ant. I reserve lesser levels of evil for the likes of ladybugs (don’t be fooled), sugar ants, cicadas (if you throw one at me I will pass right out) and caterpillars.

Bugs are tiny monsters. If they were bigger they would eat you and digest you in their juices and they would terrorize you and you would have to run from them like those stupid fuckers in Jurassic Park. Only you can’t outrun a man-sized centipede. No, it is impossible.

But!

This is where knowing science is helpful. Science will save your life.

This will never happen. Thank Jeebus.

Fact 1: Bugs will NEVER get man-sized and here’s why. Bugs don’t have lungs. They get their oxygen through their exoskeleton. The air has to pass all the way through. Try taking the corner of a washcloth and putting it in a teeeeeny bit of water. Does it make it all the way to the top? No. That’s what would happen if the bugs got too big. The oxygen wouldn’t make it all the way through. They would at least be very lathargic and you could run them over with a tank. Or, at best, be very dead. That’s not to say bugs can’t get large, just not Them sized.

Fact 2: Bugs are really stupid. With the exception of a few notable homosapians (cough Jim Inhofe cough) most humans can outsmart them with traps.

Fact 3: Though maybe not a fact so much as a thing that I’ve been told. Bugs’ mouths are small and the deadliest ones, like the Daddy Long Legs can’t bite you. But your feet are still big and you can still step on them. Don’t give me grief for that. I don’t ever step on bugs. I run screaming in fear.