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the pages of her journal

diary

I watched a movie this evening… A movie I read the book of.
I’m never pleased with books made into movies. Maybe it’s because I’m a reader and love books, but the movie adaptions are always horrible.

I’m left with this icky feeling that is not pleasing. I must have certain triggers that I’m not fully aware of.
My mood was more or less fine all day. It’s been this way for a couple of weeks. Now all of a sudden, I’ve been rushed back to this god awful state of bewilderment and unease and pain.

I don’t understand why all these horrific thoughts are coming back and running through my mind. Why now? What made them return?

My plan was to go into work today, but my body and mind wouldn’t pull together to make it happen. I laid in bed until 3pm, not by choice. My aunt (who I’m still living with) was on her way home because the stove guy was coming. I had to look like I went to work, she couldn’t know I stayed at home, she couldn’t know I’m not well.
I starved myself all day then binged right before dinner.
My aunt went back to work, so I left to go to a friends place in hopes of getting cheered up.
I played with her almost two year old son. I love him, he is the cutest thing ever. It makes me think a lot about having kids of my own. We talked for a while which made me feel slightly better. But when she got to the ex bit, I froze up. I stopped talking.
And to make matters worse, she borrowed my phone and deleted his number and blocked him on Facebook. She did this without telling me or asking my permission. It caught me way off guard. I blew it off like it was nothing, but inside I was breaking down, having an anxiety attack.
Eventually I left to go to work a basketball shift. I was all over the place, I kept fucking up the scoreboard. Thank god they are older women and don’t give two shits about the score.
I drove back to the house and went straight to my room. I feel so emotionally drained. I’ve hit the red zone, max capacity for everything.
I’m inching closer and closer to using that blade. I feel so worthless, like nothing is going right in my life. Nobody wants me, or wants what’s best for me. Nobody likes or even loves the real me. They run and hide when I get “crazy”. Does anyone have the ability to feel empathy and sympathy?
It’s so hard going on every day, feeling so much pain. I can’t bare this forever. When will I fall and never get back up again? Tomorrow?
Why can nobody understand the internal struggle that we go through?
Why should I have to contemplate overdosing every night to put me out of my misery.
Is no one scared for me?
Do they think it’s some joke?
Attempting to commit suicide twice doesn’t matter?
Being dependent on self harm just to make it to the next day is okay?

My anxiety level is dangerously high.
Why won’t this shit go away. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I’m exhausted and sick. I cannot continue like this. It’s ridiculous. My mental health is so out of wack. I can’t stay stable. I’m falling and breaking into pieces.
I can’t find it within me to care about my many jobs and responsibilities, it’s all too much. I’m so overwhelmed with the littlest of tasks. It takes hours to get out of bed in the morning. My body won’t get out of bed or keep my eyes open. I just want to stay curled up in a ball where no one can see me or get to me or know where I am.

My nightmares are so severe. I wake up multiple times through a night scared shitless. It’s freezing over here and I’m sweating because of my nightmares.
This is insanity.
Please make it stop.
I beg of you.

I had another night full of disturbing nightmares. They usually happen every night, I’m lucky when I wake up and don’t remember them.

The nightmare that still haunts me today was when my boyfriend broke my heart and left me and then all my exes tormented me. I was in so much pain it actually woke me up. I had been crying without knowing it and I was sweating like crazy (in a freezing cold room).

Also, earlier in the night. I can’t remember what was going on exactly but someone was physically hurting me. It woke me up because my body actually goes through the pain. It’s usually my sides. I wake up and they are sore and almost cramping in a way. It’s hard to explain because I don’t even know what’s going on.
This dream happens a lot.

Like this:

It’s 3:30am and just getting home. I work at 7:45am.
This is going to suck… Big time.

Tonight I hosted a game night with some friends. I host every now and again. We’ve been doing game nights for over a year now.

One of these friends is my last ex. I’m fine with him being a friend. He has a great personality, he is quite humorous, and we share some of the same interests, as well as sharing friends.
Ever since he split with me, he holds onto a lot of negativity. He jokes around a lot, but his jokes are just low blows at me. He has turned into this major douchebag. I can only handle him for a few hours, then I get real sick of him and my frustration levels rise.

I long for my Janitor. I miss him. He hasn’t messaged me since Thursday afternoon. It is his birthday weekend, but still. 😦
I’ve been talking to a few friends about him and my worries. I don’t want to mess things up with him, so I need to learn and change my old patterns that cause a relationship to turn sour. It’s really damn difficult. I think I can clarify a few, but it’s hard to wrap my head around exact reasons. And solutions, don’t even bother. I have no idea how to go about changing my bad habits.

I thought about seeing my therapist again to go over this. It’s causing me an unhealthy amount of anxiety, which is not good for my health and my road to recovery.