You guys, I'm about to tell you something shocking that I doubt anyone saw coming: Mitt Romney — smiling, gazing longingly at people, wincing and blinking, skin tanned by the bright orange Jergens sun, hair shellacked to look like a baby Ronald Reagan, hugger of babies, loving America so much he lets it be the little spoon whenever it wants — is actually a homophobic asshole. I'm not name-calling; that's the technical term for a guy who spent much of his time as Governor of Massachusetts actively making life difficult for children who dared be born to same-sex parents.

According to the Globe piece, the state's Registry of Vital Records requested that the Governor sign off on a change to birth certificates for children born to gay married couples. The old hetero-only certificates contained spaces for both "mother" and "father," and the Registry recommended the space for "Father" be amended to read "Father or second parent." Simple, right? Well, not when you've got someone with a homo-allergy so severe he should carry an epi-pen around running the state government.

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Rather than complying with the Registry's request, the Romney administration instead insisted on individually reviewing every child of same sex parents' birth certificate and personally amending the birth certificate by crossing out "father" and writing "second parent" by hand. The state's Department of Health warned Romney that this ridiculous crusade was actually putting children of same-sex couples at a disadvantage, as having a birth certificate with handwriting on it could feasibly cause children in a post-9/11 world to undergo increased scrutiny when applying for anything requiring proof of birth or citizenship.

It was even worse for children born to same-sex couples via surrogate, who had to get a court order before having their names placed on the birth certificate. In at least one case, a legally married couple's request to use the word "wife" in reference to a female legal partner of a woman was denied. In another, the Romney administration refused to list the same-sex partner of a woman who gave birth on the child's birth certificate, because the two were not married.

To add irony to the situation, Mitt Romney has said, time and time again, that his opposition to same-sex marriage is based on the idea that SOMEONE MUST THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN. THE CHILDREN need a mother and father. THE CHILDREN! He's so in favor of THE CHILDREN that he has traveled all the way to Washington to argue against gay marriage. From the Globe

"The children of America have the right to have a father and a mother,'' Romney said in his prepared remarks. "What should be the ideal for raising a child? Not a village, not ‘parent A' and ‘parent B,' but a mother and a father.''

Romney also warned about the societal impact of gay parents raising children. "Scientific studies of children raised by same-sex couples are almost nonexistent,'' he said. "It may affect the development of children and thereby future society as a whole.''

Romney expressed similar beliefs during a speech in 2005 to socially conservative voters in South Carolina, as he was beginning to be viewed as a serious candidate for president.

"Some gays are actually having children born to them,'' he declared. "It's not right on paper. It's not right in fact. Every child has a right to a mother and father.''

Yes, every child has the right to two parents so deep in the closet that they're practically in Narnia.

But I don't want to be too harsh on Romney here. What he did in Massachusetts boils down to a minor paperwork headache. At least he didn't hold the kids down and force them to get less fruity haircuts.