Yesterday I got an email from our building manager notifying everyone that we would be have training sessions on the new copier on Monday. He asked that people kindly sign up for 30 minute sessions in groups smaller than 10 people and arrive on time. I have a grant due Monday and it's a fucking copier. You put a document on the glass, close the lid and hit the button. I've never found myself having copier-related issues and couldn't foresee this as a major issue in my life. That was until I walked into the mail room and saw this machine, that is larger than my car and probably costs 10x as much.

It'll make your copies and transport them into the future, if you like. Don't forget to try the Chai Latte dispenser.

Did a Kinkos branch move in upstairs? What could I possibly need to copy that would necessitate the use of this thing? I'm scared that if I get too close it'll clone my ass. I'm pretty sure it holds a forest of paper at any one time - either that or I'm going to open it one day and 43 clowns are going to pile out. Every time I copy something it's going to take me 10 minutes to find where the paper came out and if there is ever a paper jam, the damn thing has more doors and closets than Liberace's New York apartment. Here's to hoping there is a button on it that says "copy".

That's the second reference to a built-in barista now. Is that for real? If so, I would be totally down for a 30 minute training session on *that* feature. Can I use my departmental copy account to pay for my tall soy lattes no whip?

Whenever I go to these sorts of things (the last one I went to was about changing the IT networking), I seem to stare at the guy (it's usually a guy) while he is speaking. I am waiting to see whether he is genuinely as serious about what is coming his mouth as he appears to be. I just stare with a puzzled expression, even when he looks at me as if to cue me to 'stare off', waiting for some kind of ironic sign. If he is over 50 years old, I feel like shedding a quiet tear about it. These guys are often so proud, earnest and no-nonsense about what they do. It's touching.