vijita, could you talk to your doctor about trying a different medication? I know my doctor tried a couple of different ones before we found one that worked for me with a minimum of side effects.

That's not a bad idea, but I am nervous about them not working/carrying worse side effects. I tried a bunch of different medications for depression years ago and all of them had some pretty extreme side effects. And for a convoluted reason, this medication is fully covered under my medical. I guess I'll just ride it out for a little while. It is really weird to have no appetite for food or sex though.

My anxiety problems really smacked me in the face yesterday and I've realized that it's quickly crushing my life. I thought I had a handle on it but I don't think so anymore. I still think I'm doing really well at overcoming anxieties but it's still not enough and things need to change. I'm starting to consider preventative medication but I won't use something like Valium (which I've used in the past) because I feel like I have too much anxiety in general- it's more my personality than any short term problem. I don't know whether I want to use medication or not though. How much does it really help, for those of you who are on it?

I feel like I miss so much in life because of my anxiety and fear or everything. I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere or be successful in any facet of my life until I overcome my insane amount of anxiety and calm the hell down. My anxieties make me stress out over stupid things and make everything worse- it's ruined nearly every part of my life and I can't take it anymore. I want to feel like I'm free and happy, not scared and hiding. I'm sick of shutting down, shutting out and becoming depressed. I walk on eggshells when I'd rather be walking with confidence. I don't want to be like this anymore and I'm no longer content with things how they are.

_________________"...anarchists only want to burn cars and punch cops."- nickvicious"We'll be eating our own words 30 years from now when we're demanding our legislators outlaw aerosol-based cyber dildo-wielding death holograms."- Brian

Of course it's different for everyone, I got put on anti-depressants for my anxiety a while ago and sometimes I thought it helped a bit, but then I still had attacks after that and getting therapy to help me "train my brain" to stay out of triggering ways of thinking was what helped me the most. The main thing that I found with anti-depressants (I'm assuming that's what you mean by "preventative medication") was that they put some distance between myself and my emotions but that wasn't usually enough.

Of course it's different for everyone, I got put on anti-depressants for my anxiety a while ago and sometimes I thought it helped a bit, but then I still had attacks after that and getting therapy to help me "train my brain" to stay out of triggering ways of thinking was what helped me the most. The main thing that I found with anti-depressants (I'm assuming that's what you mean by "preventative medication") was that they put some distance between myself and my emotions but that wasn't usually enough.

Anyway, hugs, I know exactly how you feel!

I was seeing a therapist but stopped about a year or so ago. I didn't feel that it was really helping with anything and instead would sometimes make things worse by having me focus too much on things. I've been in and out of therapy since I was in elementary school and I just don't think that therapy has really helped me. A lot of what has helped me to overcome certain things in my life has been me realizing things and working hard on myself. It's hard growing up and learning about yourself/becoming someone, especially if you're not in the healthiest environment (I'm working on this).

I've been trying medication since I was 16 until 1.5 years ago. A big problem is that I'm bipolar and a lot of medication doesn't work for me or I'm allergic to it. The bipolar disorder itself is manageable but my anxiety isn't and sometimes it triggers an episode. I'd be willing to start trying medication again if other people who have anxiety issues felt that medication has helped them but if people feel like it didn't help them enough then I think I'll just have to keep going as is and do things on my own.

I just need an off switch for my brain sometimes because I think too much about things a lot of the time.

_________________"...anarchists only want to burn cars and punch cops."- nickvicious"We'll be eating our own words 30 years from now when we're demanding our legislators outlaw aerosol-based cyber dildo-wielding death holograms."- Brian

I will consider medication. What has helped people get over anxiety- especially with meeting new people? Meeting new people is one of the hardest things for me. I always feel that I'm going to say something stupid, do something stupid, not be awesome and that people are going to laugh at me or think poorly of me, that I'm not going to look good or that I won't make a good impression. I just always feel this pressure to be perfect and that I need to be a certain way for other people and if I'm not perfect or a shining star, the whole world will come crashing down on me.

_________________"...anarchists only want to burn cars and punch cops."- nickvicious"We'll be eating our own words 30 years from now when we're demanding our legislators outlaw aerosol-based cyber dildo-wielding death holograms."- Brian

I will consider medication. What has helped people get over anxiety- especially with meeting new people? Meeting new people is one of the hardest things for me. I always feel that I'm going to say something stupid, do something stupid, not be awesome and that people are going to laugh at me or think poorly of me, that I'm not going to look good or that I won't make a good impression. I just always feel this pressure to be perfect and that I need to be a certain way for other people and if I'm not perfect or a shining star, the whole world will come crashing down on me.

Hey, I know these same kinds of fears! For me, I have feelings of not measuring up, never being good enough, expecting myself to always be perfect, and fearing that everyone is always judging me at all times. In therapy, I've gone through getting down to what started that for me, and it seems to be a bunch of crepe I internalized from my mom. She is very critical of everyone and everything and it kind of ruled our family. I bet it is different for everyone, but for me I feel like there are definite psychological issues causing my anxiety (mabye "emotional issues" would be more accurate) and in unraveling that in therapy I am learning to have more self-esteem not dependent on others. (See also the Looking-glass theory.)

I don't post about mental health stuff usually but my anxiety has totally been worse lately...do you ever feel at a loss to explain it? Like what do you say, I can't hang out right now because I feel like someone is sitting on my chest? If you tell someone you're anxious they're usually like, why are you feeling anxious? And I'm like, uh, I think my brain chemistry is forked basically and it always has been because when I was a toddler I would stay up all night freaking out about how I thought my parents were going to die?

_________________"No one with hair so soft and glossy could ever be bad at anything." - Tofulish

I have no idea how to explain it either strawberry. When I am going through a prolonged spell I literally live the life of a hermit because even the slightest interaction with other people is enough to topple me over the edge. It takes a few weeks of peace and quiet before my anxiety levels have decreased enough to be able to tolerate other people. Not exactly a great combo when my job are absolute tools and give me stick for my sick leave then rip the peas out of me when I am in work for not being happy and then make fun of the traumatising experiences I have had in work.

And I'm like, uh, I think my brain chemistry is forked basically and it always has been because when I was a toddler I would stay up all night freaking out about how I thought my parents were going to die?

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:36 pmPosts: 1692Location: the land of too much wine and wind

I'm pretty shocked I haven't had some sort of major breakdown after the week I've had. Warning: monumental word vomit ahead.

Sunday: This was our associate wine buyer's last day at our store. She is now the wine buyer at another store in town. She's seriously amazing, one of my favorite people, and I'm really sad to see her go. So, yeah, emotions. I stayed at work 2 hours late looking over her awesome folder of information for the whole interview process, since I'm applying for her job. When I got home, I went to unlock the door, but it already was. I wanted to check something on my computer, but couldn't find it. Slowly, I realized that our apartment had been robbed. For the second time in 3.5 months. I immediately called Fred, then the cops. Fred came home about 10 minutes later. The cops came an hour after that. We spent all night changing every password we could think of, and then around 1.45am, I got a call saying the crime scene investigator was outside. That took about an hour, during which I was mostly sitting on the bed, trying not to vomit, shaking uncontrollably while the investigator dusted for prints. I was the one to point out the window in the back room that we use for storage that the investigator missed. He didn't get any prints or anything off of the window, but I'm now about 90% convinced they came in that door. This summer all the terrible anxiety and depression started after the first break in, so I'm doubly paranoid that I'll just lose it at any given moment. Plus, the more we think about it, the more obvious it seems like this was the same people as before. So, our apartment is being watched. Yeah, I don't feel safe here any more.

Monday: I didn't have to work, but I did have class later in the day. I had a bunch of homework to do and a lab report to write, but since my plans to do everything the night before were ruined, I couldn't get it all done. I decided to forgo the lab report, hoping that my instructor would give me an extension due to the circumstances. All day long, I felt so horrible: shaky, nervous, jumpy, depressed. I considered skipping class, but since Monday is lab day in Chemistry, I knew it was a bad idea. I took a xanax, which made me feel drunk at first, but did calm me enough to leave the house. I was so paranoid when I left, double and triple checking every lock on every door and window. I even locked my bike to a pole in the basement, just in case. I somehow made it through the lab, and my instructor gave me the extension. If Fred hadn't texted me that everything was fine when he got home, I would have been too nervous to enter the apartment by myself for fear that everything would be gone. As I walked home from the train, there were a couple of sketchy characters that freaked me out enough that I had to call Fred while I walked the last three blocks. Not cool.

Tuesday: Got to work, and saw our wine buyer was kind of down. I though it was she and the previous associate buyer are really good friends, so she was going through her own series of emotions about the whole thing. Yeah, but no. She told me that the receiver for beer and wine, another one of my favorite people on the team had been fired earlier that morning for making a really stupid decision to try to save herself from being put on a final warning for attendance. It ended up costing her her job. This girl was also going for the associate wine buyer position, and was my biggest competition for the position, but I am so shocked and shook up about it. There is another guy interviewing, but I think I stand a more realistic shot at getting it. The whole thing is a mess. I was in a daze all day, forgot to do a rather important task the wine buyer left for me, and honestly don't remember anything about work, other than there was a definite loss of morale in beer and wine. I went to Home Depot after work and got a bunch of stuff to better secure our windows.

Today: Walked outside to ride to work only to turn back into the apartment once I realized it was raining. Put my bike away and started walking to the main street to catch a cab, since I had about 10 minutes. I saw the bus was coming, so I decided to just take it, but I forgot it was rush hour and traffic was horrible, so I clocked in 15 minutes late. Not good, since my attendence record isn't great lately. When I finally got to work, I was immediately told that one of the cheese guys (beer, wine, coffee and cheese are all in the Specialty department) was fired this morning. He let his girlfriend use his discount card, which is not allowed, and the cashier told on him. Or something. I don't know. Totally rattled me. He was the second really awesome, hard working, all-around great member of our team to get fired for something totally stupid that he shouldn't have done in 2 days. W.T.F.???? We had a wine training day scheduled, so I tasted through probably 50 wines today. It sounds (and was) awesome, but I started to get palate fatigue after about the eighth wine, so nothing after that really registered. I had to talk to our regional coordinator about my interview, which was nerve-wracking, but she seemed to like what I was saying. After work, I immediately headed to school. About an hour into my 4 hour class, I had a coughing fit that would not stop. I've been sick lately, and would ordinarily drink some water, but our chem lecture is in a lab, so no food or drinks are allowed. Shortly after, I realized I was having a really difficult time swallowing, which is a bad sign, given my history of thyroid cancer and the multiple swollen lymph nodes in my neck that I just had ultrasounded two weeks ago. I couldn't focus on the lecture because I was convincing myself that my stupid cancer is back and I'm completely forked. And Fred has been distant lately. We talked about it, and he says it's because of the break in, the loss of his 6 month old computer which held all of the work/art he's done for the last 10 years (he's a musician and web designer). Thankfully, he runs regular back ups, but the anxiety of dealing with all this shiitake compounded with my medical woes and the fact that he just quit his job of 5 years for another one, but doesn't know when/if he starts means that he's retreated into himself. I was trying to not lose it on the train all the way home, because I didn't know all this. I just thought that with the way my luck is going lately, that he was pulling away because he doesn't want to be with me any more. Thankfully, our conversation was good, and he reassured me that's not the case.

Tomorrow: I have to go to court at 9 am regarding an old credit card that some junk debt buyer bought out. I'm pretty convinced that the way everything else is going, I'm going to lose it. I can't even prep for it because I have 532037452160239 other things on my mind that are infinitely more important. I'm just gonna go and try to not break down in a sobbing puddle so I can go home and forget about it for the rest of time. Tomorrow, our insurance company is sending an auditor out to check out our claim regarding the break in. I understand why they have to do it, but the idea of having some stranger in my home is not cool right now. Once that's over, I need to work on my lab report and homework that aren't due until Monday, because I want to focus the rest of my weekend on this interview. But I also have to work every day until then.

Oh. And I had an argument with my Republican father about gun control, but the real reason for my call was to ask him to help with my tuition. That conversation did not go well. I need to text him to forget about the money, because a check I deposited finally went through (I have an old credit union that doesn't do online deposits, and the closest branch is 3 hours away, so I mail it), so I can actually afford it.

Fork everything. Seriously. How am I not in a puddle on the middle of the floor, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably? It'll come. I know it will. In time.

_________________I just brought out the carrot sticks. This is war. - paprikapapaya

And I'm like, uh, I think my brain chemistry is forked basically and it always has been because when I was a toddler I would stay up all night freaking out about how I thought my parents were going to die?

<3 <3 <3 I relate completely.

I thought this was just me. Sigh! I made my parents promise every night before bed that they would still be there in the morning.

And kara kara, that is a massive metric ton of bullshiitake to deal with. Hugs!

So after months of being under control, now I'm having panic attacks in my sleep again, which is leading to high anxiety levels the whole rest of the day, compounded with not getting enough sleep. Awesome. The forked up part is, I had a really great week last week, and I don't know exactly when I turned into Captain Wreck, but now I'm a total mess and I'm like, why did I even bother having such a great week? Ugh.

_________________Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnationblog!FB!

So the new psychiatrist who has been telling me that I have a phobia and I need to deal with it by going to work and not to transfer because it is only running away from my problems has decided that I need to transfer for my own sanity and no wonder I am so anxious. He was appalled that I'm being bullied in the unit I am on for taking 2 weeks sick leave because of mental illness. He recommended that I request a move to another unit while waiting for the transfer. Strangely enough that has made me feel a lot better. I still feel like a useless turd but at least I feel a little less useless now that he believes me.

Do many of you have experience going off of anti-anxiety meds? A doctor I recently saw to get a refill for my Cipralex said if it has worked for me (and it really, really has!), I should be considering stopping with the meds. I am not NOT open to this, but it seemed a little bit rash considering how much I was suffering less than four months ago. I would love to be off meds (this particular doctor told me they were awful for my liver and kind of freaked me out), but my long-past experience of going off anti-depressants scares me a bit.

I came off one of mine with no problem. Well, it was Effexor XL and the withdrawals were a bisque but mostly manageable. The second tablet I failed at coming off of even though there is no discontinuation syndrome. I had to go back on it.

I say if you are happy to stay on the tablets get 6 monthly liver function tests and eat stuff that helps the liver. Don't ask me what they are because I tend to wander off when the conversation isn't on chocolate.

Vijita, I went off the same drug after six months and my anxiety has not returned. My therapist said that there was some research showing that people taking an ssri for less than six months tend to have the same symptoms again. I don't know for sure how accurate that info is, and I've done a lot in therapy that has gotten rid of my anxiety.If it were me, I'd try to stick it out to six months and try tapering off. It took a few weeks for me to feel like my mood leveled out again and then I felt normal. But if you don't want to stop, I don't see why you have to.

I just had my first panic attack. It scared me. It was right before giving a presentation. At first I was light headed and that was tolerable, but then my hands froze and I started crying on top of everything else. I'm afraid of going to class in the future and giving other presentations.

I've been having panic attacks at work and now I'm in that upward cycle of anticipatory anxiety, fear of the fear, etc., and have been for a few weeks. I've been waking up each work morning in a panic about possibly having anxiety at work and where my super imaginative brain thinks that will lead (disability! losing my job! losing control of my life!). Ugh.

_________________Did you notice the slight feeling of panic at the words "Chicken Basin Street"? Like someone was walking over your grave? Try not to remember. We must never remember. - mumblesIs this about devilberries and nazifruit again? - footface

CQ, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I've woken up from panic attacks before, and they're the worst because the one time I thought I was safe was when I was sleeping.

kara kara: first of all, good for you for not completely losing it. It sounds like you've had a lot of rough and ridiculous stuff that happened all at once, so all the anxiety you've been experiencing is completely reasonable. I hope that things get better for you, and that you can hold it together.

daisychain wrote:

Strangely enough that has made me feel a lot better. I still feel like a useless turd but at least I feel a little less useless now that he believes me.

For me, one of the most therapeutic things about going to therapy is the affirmation that I'm not crazy.

Now for me: I just realized that I should be really proud of myself. Perhaps some of you may recall that about a month ago I was threatened with expulsion from my internship for not really having done anything wrong. I just realized that I haven't had a single panic attack over this. Years ago, I'd surely be having constant monster attacks, as even things like going to class on a normal day would start me panicking. But this year, I've been really stressed, but no panic attacks. None. It's an amazing feeling.

For me, one of the most therapeutic things about going to therapy is the affirmation that I'm not crazy.

This times a million. I can (albeit with hindsight) pinpoint the beginning of my recovery to when I was (literally) screaming at a psychiatrist "I don't know what is wrong with me!" and he very calmly replied "I do". The realisation that I had a recognisable illness that could be treated, and that I was not "mad", made all the difference in the world.

_________________Everyone turns into Boo Radley, if they live long enough ~ seitanicversesThere are as many ways to live as there are humans in the world ~ SchwaGrrrl

Now for me: I just realized that I should be really proud of myself. Perhaps some of you may recall that about a month ago I was threatened with expulsion from my internship for not really having done anything wrong. I just realized that I haven't had a single panic attack over this. Years ago, I'd surely be having constant monster attacks, as even things like going to class on a normal day would start me panicking. But this year, I've been really stressed, but no panic attacks. None. It's an amazing feeling.

I had an interesting revelation the other day. I was trying to remember when I first started having anxiety, and a memory came to me that I now understand. When I was around 6-ish, I remember going to my mom and telling her that I didn't feel well. She asked what was wrong and I told her I felt homesick. She said that was silly because I was home with my family, I couldn't be homesick, and she dismissed me. I know now that I was having an anxiety attack, and the only way I knew to describe it was as homesick, because it was the way I felt anytime I was away from home. So I grew up feeling like I couldn't talk about it when I felt that way, and that the way I was feeling was 'wrong'.