I am praying a powerful prayer in my life. I am asking for a holy boldness in my life. I am asking for a strength that is not my own. I want to be used beyond what I can do on my own. I want to do things that take me out of my comfort zone, that take me quiet literally out of my house. I want to be used by the Lord in ways that I never thought possible. I don’t want to settle or be mediocre in my life. I don’t want second best.

Quite honestly it’s a terrifying thing to ask. I like to be comfortable and not step away from what is familiar. Aren’t we all like that? We say that we want to travel the world and to take that step of faith but isn’t there usually a fear or what some consider a form of rationality that stops us from our dreams and taking that step of faith?

I know that I have written that I want more. But to start praying for it…y’all prayer is a powerful thing. When you believe and truly mean it and are expecting for something to happen. When you are completely surrendered, ready, and willing. Be ready. That’s all I got to say. His plans for you are bigger than you ever thought.

And how he can use such tiny things to get you ready for such huge things. It’s mind blowing and how he can use you for such bigger things than you thought. There is such freedom in this surrender.

Let me be honest though, this surrender is not easy. It hurts. It has meant sacrificing some things. Things that have been very important to me. People that are very important to me. But I’ve had to let go of because the Lord has called me for a very specific purpose and has brought me to a very specific point in my life, as he does with all of us. I know that he has called you, my friends, and my family to different things. These things are meant for you all, just as this is meant for me.

As I pray for this holy boldness to be in his will and follow his direction, I pray for the blood covering and protection over my life. This is because I know that the enemy is real and fights hard, especially if you are trying to follow the Lord. He has brought my depression and anxiety to the forefront of my struggles again. These are not things that I like to talk about or disclose to many people but they effect my everyday life. I know it has stopped me from things before. However, I know that the Lord has used these things before too.

I am thankful for the favor and the boldness that he has given me before and that he will continue to give me, as I take this step of faith. One step is me sharing this blog with the people that I know and I’m friends with. Those of you that have found this blog so far have stumbled upon it. And I am beyond grateful that you have. Now I have to get over my fear and let people that I know in.

My hope and prayer for each of us is that the Lord gives us the holy boldness that we need. The holy boldness in whatever area it is, whether it’s to love, forgive, step out in faith, speak up, slow down, surrender, or whatever other myriad of things you can think of. I pray that you have the holy boldness to do it, conquer it, overcome it, grown in it, share it, and be it.

May you all have a blessed night or morning! God is up to something…just you watch!

There isn’t much between here and the city where UVA resides. I personally love the city of Charlottesville and have gone there quite frequently. I almost stopped through there today and then to see it all over the news again. The fact that there are still anti-Semitic and racist people in this country, quite honestly blows my mind. It blows my mind because I can’t fathom thinking that someone is less than me because of their race, religion, or background. And yet, there are still people who think like that.

No one is less than another based on their race, gender, background, religion, etc. We are all created in the Lord’s image and are descendants of Adam and Eve. Jesus loves all of us. Why can we not accept this?

I honestly watched several documentaries over the last few days about what happened with the Nazis and their targets during World War II. Then I quite honestly watched a documentary called the “The Last White Knight.” I had no idea that there was a rally planned this morning or that there was a march, designed to intimidate last night on UVA’s campus. My heart was breaking to watch these documentaries and then to see it playing out in real time, in my home’s backyard. Oy….my heart breaks for my community.

My heart is scared of what road this could lead to. We cannot be okay as a society and humanity as a whole, when this is going on. Maybe because it’s not happening close to you, you can disconnect from it. That’s a problem…quite honestly, that’s what happened with Hitler and the Nazis. People were too scared to say anything and stayed quiet, for too long. I don’t want the past to be repeated. I had more hope for humanity. This is not the legacy that I want to leave.

For too long, too many of us have been silent. We think it doesn’t impact us. But it does. “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” Martin Luther King Jr. Whether it is our community or not, it impacts us.

The response by the man in the White House, quite literally makes my blood boil. He is so ignorant. And he chooses to be that way. This is what infuriates me more. Thankfully this helps to fuel me. Education is a powerful weapon and one that I intend to use moving forward.

Please remember Nelson Mandela’s quote:

“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

Do something. Speak up. Use the platform that you have been given. Advocate for truth and justice.

My heart is heavy about many things at the moment and I don’t know where to begin. If I’m honest, I’ve been perpetually in this mindset for a while. It’s just that life happens and I get distracted. But my heart is often bombarded with overwhelming waves of passion and conviction. And I don’t always know how to channel it. I don’t know what I can do to fix the things that are troubling me and right these wrongs.

They are things that are much bigger than just me. They are things that are bigger than my community and the people that I interact with on a daily basis. And yet, I think that it has to start there. It has to be a movement and a change that happens in each town and community. It needs to start small and spread. It’s not something we can rely on a government to mandate or command. We have to make the choice.

We have to choose to be different, to act different. WE have to choose to look at others with the love of Christ. We have to see beyond our fleshly selves and our own selfishness. WE have to truly converse with and listen to one another. WE need to be willing to interact with those who are different than us. WE cannot be comfortable with only being around those who think, act, look, and talk like us. WE are each uniquely different and each have a lot to teach one another. Yet WE don’t take the time.

WE make excuses and push it off. But what is that leaving the next generation? Doesn’t that defeat the progress we have made? Doesn’t it prevent further progress from being made. I don’t want to live in that world.

My heart is sad and heavy. There is a change that needs to happen and I want to make a difference with those around me. I want more than to type and say something. I want to have an impact and make those around me feel valued, loved, and appreciated. I want us all to know that we matter and have a voice. There’s a lot of things I want and hope for. I guess I need to just start with me and hope that it spreads to others.

While it’s been several months since I have been on here, the words and thoughts have still been transpiring. I just haven’t expressed them in this forum. I’ve realized that I have been missing out by not posting things on here.

What I have realized is not only do I have a fear of failing but I have a fear of succeeding. I am terrified that I just may be good at something and that I just may make a difference. While I get excited about new things and going after my dreams, there is something that holds me back. Sometimes it’s the fear that I will be great at it and that God will use me in a bigger way than anticipated. Honestly, that’s me limiting the Lord and what he can and will do.

It means letting people in and going after my dreams. It means sharing with others and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. So what happens when I get stuck here? The Lord pushes me out. He forces me out of my comfort zone and reminds me of my dreams and my passions. He reminds me not to get stuck where I am at and shows me that he has equipped me with the tools for this change and transition.

He also reminds me that he does not always call the qualified but instead qualifies those whom he calls. I just need to keep my eyes on him. It is so unclear and muddy right now. It’s tough to see 6 inches in front my face or even just past the moment that is in front of me right now but praise the Lord that he is in control and he has plan for this.

I don’t know where you are at or what the Lord is calling you to do. What I do know is that you and I are not alone in whatever it is. He will provide and he already has it figured out. Don’t settle for less than God’s best for you. Don’t be scared to succeed. It’s a beautiful thing to succeed. And don’t quit when you fail.

So after being in a funk of things recently with writing and also getting caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. I finally had something come to mind, that I took the time to type out. (Stay tuned, as I am about to be a regular with writing again!)

I was recently talking to someone who finally gave me the encouragement that I’ve been longing to hear from them. I have wanted them to believe in me for so long. But then I was reminded that I don’t need them….in all honesty. While I love and appreciate their words, I need to be focused on how the Lord sees me and knowing that I am going after him and focused on what he has for me.

So I wrote down some words that I was thinking about. I think that these are things that we all think of about ourselves and wonder if others think these things about us. Some of the questions are tough and honestly sometimes we don’t want to know the answers but the truth is, we don’t need everyone to be in our corner. We know that the Lord loves us and that he provides the love and support that we need. Sometimes it comes directly from him and sometimes it comes from others. Either way, we only need to trust in him. I hope you appreciate my words!!!

What do you see?

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see me?

Do you see the me that I used to see?

Do you see the me that I want to be?

Do you see the me that you think I should be?

Do you see me as someone who is loved

Someone who is valued

Someone of worth

Someone who can make a change

Someone to make a difference.

What do you see?

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see someone with promise?

Do you see the real me?

Do you see the true me?

Do you see the me that I am trying to be?

Do you put me in box?

Do you limit me?

Do you think that I have voice?

Do you think that I have something of worth?

Do you see the real me?

Do you see my heart?

Do you see my thoughts?

Or do you just see the physical me?

Do you see the real me?

The me that I am striving to be?

Do you see the me that I am?

Or do you limit me?

Do you label me?

Do you assume that you know me?

Do you really know what I have to offer?

Do you really care to get to know the real me?

Will you really listen to me?

What do you see?

What do you see when you see me?

Next time, I’m going to have something about how I see me. It’s not something to be seen as self-centered. It’s more that I finally have confidence in who I am and I honestly want others to have a confidence in who they are as well. You have to love yourself before you can truly love anyone else. This is something that I have learned and I’m trying to embrace.

I have finally been living life again and have gotten so caught up in that, that I am struggling to keep up with this. I have so many thoughts and ideas of what to share. Because let me tell you the past week in and of itself has been an interesting ride.

I declared my winter season was over and that I was walking into Spring. I firmly believe that. But with the Spring comes severe temperature changes, blossoming, and growth. It comes with rain and storms. It’s a new season that is for sure. There are many blessings that come in the Spring but it is still painful.

The growth that you went through on the inside during the Winter is exposed and brought to light on the outside. It’s beautiful but it has to push through some dead things and dark things to demonstrate it’s beauty. That’s what I’m going through right now.

The Winter was cold and dark and quiet at times. A great deal of inner work was happening in this hibernation, if you will. It felt very lonely and seemed painful and unfair at times. Now I want to come out and share my buds and my growth and expose all the things that the Lord has worked out on the inside.

However, I am fearful about how others may react and I am fearful of being destroyed and exposed if I show the beauty that I feel. Because for so long I have felt insecure and like I don’t measure up. I feel like no one will accept me or see my beauty or appreciate me for me. All I want to do is show what the Lord has done for me to help others see what he can do for them.

But the insecurities and fears keep coming back. The darkness of winters past try to pull me back and keep me small and insignificant. But I know that is the enemy talking. That is not what the Lord has for me. He has greater plans that I had for myself. He is beginning to reveal his Spring for me in my life.

I just have to keep blooming and blossoming and fighting through. I have to keep trusting him and relying on him to do what he said he was going to do. No matter how early so may say the Spring is coming this year. For me, it’s been a long winter and this is a beautiful Spring. It’s my year.

It’s requiring me to step out in more faith. It’s requiring me to rely on him more and trust him more. It’s allowing me to see him in new and mighty ways. It’s giving me confidence in him and the importance of sharing what he is doing. It’s helping me to understand his love for me and for my fellow man.

It’s helping me to see that it’s time for me to really step out of my comfort zone and go where he is calling me. It’s time for me to speak out and say the things that he is asking me. It’s causing me to ask for help and to trust others to help me and support me through this. It’s keeping my walls down and exposing me in the most interesting way.

It’s allowing me to finally and truly be me. It’s letting me be the me that I always was. It’s helping me to remain soft but tough at the same time. I’m not fearful of what others may say against me because it is not about me. I am doing what the Lord is asking me to do. I am saying what he has laid on my heart and showing others his love. It’s the easiest and toughest thing all at the same time.

But I am not alone. He is with me and he is giving me support through some of the most unexpected of sources. He is protecting me along the way and helping me to be discerning. My time in this location and place is drawing to a close. He has been preparing me for this next chapter. He’s equipping me for what is next.

He can and is doing the same thing for you. You need to trust him. You need to listen for him. If he can do it for me, he can do it for you. You just have to be willing. I’ll be the first to tell you it’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be hard but it’s going to be worth it. You just have to make the choice.

As I have been watching the news and reading the headlines, I decided I wanted to write about my thoughts. I want to honor a great man.He was such a pioneer and such a wise man in history. I sincerely wish that I could have met him. His life was ended too soon but I do believe that the Lord has used him and his legacy in a mighty way. I believe that there is still much to be learned.

I just want to share with you some of the powerful things that this man said that I think are important to reflect on. And this is by no means an exhaustive list and I am not claiming to be an expert on his life. I just appreciate him and what he stood for.

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase”

Phew that is so true and as Christians, God calls us to step out in faith all time. We aren’t always going to see what’s coming or what lies ahead but we have to trust the Lord and his guidance and direction. I am personally reminded of this pretty much every day in my own life. I can’t imagine what it was like for him in his life.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” Dr. King

Dr. King was a peaceful man and believed that hate was not the answer. When he literally had every reason to hate people back, he didn’t. That is huge and very humbling. I don’t know that I could do that myself. What a great example of a man in the face of adversity. He was treated so unfairly and yet he did not resort to being violent back. Again, I do not know that I could have shown that much grace and mercy, if I were in the same situations as him.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Dr. King

Where he stood,what he did, and how he handled things with such grace blows my mind. I cannot imagine.

It truly breaks my heart that people have judged each other simply based on the color of skin. It saddens me that people still have prejudices and preconceived notions today. I wish this was not the case and I will not sit by and be silent. It’s not right and not something that pleases the Lord. It hurts my heart even more that it still occurs among Christians and in churches.

As MLK Jr stated:

“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools”

We need to learn to love one another no matter what the differences are between us. We are all made in the image of God. We need to take time to learn from one another and converse with one another. We need to stand up and fight for one another. We cannot sit on the side lines and let people be mistreated. It’s not right to watch our brothers and sisters be attacked for no reason. As Dr. King stated,

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends.”

I don’t want to be the person who stood by and did nothing. I want to help make a difference. I want to be part of the change. I want to be part of the discussion. I want to have a positive influence. I don’t want to just sit by and do nothing, when there is clearly unjust treatment of my fellow human beings.

As I mentioned racism and discrimination still happens in the church. It is not right. How it must break the Lord’s hear to see this amongst his people. God created each and every one of us in his imagine. No person is any less spectacular and amazing in his eyes than anyone else. He loves each one of us and Christ died for everyone. We need to not look at anyone as less than ourself.

“And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their fellow believers.” -1 John 4:21

Why there is hate and racism between believers is not right. God is love. We love because he first loved us. If we do not love one another as fellow believers, are we really a believer?

“Beloved let us love one another, for love is of God and everyone who loves has been born of God, and know God. He who doesn’t love doesn’t know God, for God is love. By this God’s love was revealed in us, that God has sent his one and only Son into the world, that we might live through him.” -1 John 4:7-9

I agree with Dr. King’s other statement, “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” Hate is confusing to me. The history of our country in regards to hate based on the color of someone’s skin saddens me and sickens me. It really hurts to see that we can treat one another this way. Though there are things that I personally will never be able to relate to, I want to understand as much as I can and learn as much as I can. I want to stand up for what is right.

I am sorry for the discrimination and racism that has taken place in this country and across the world. I wish it was not something that we had to deal with. I want to do everything that I can to help it end. It’s not right and we need to come together to end it. I want to make a difference and make a change.

I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot recently and I have to say something. It’s a topic that is continually being brought up right now. And rightfully so. What I have become aware of is that this progress that we supposedly have made has not happened as much as we believe, especially as much as white America says it has. I’m honestly scared for my country and fellow man.

It breaks my heart that we can still sit here in the year 2016 and judge someone based on the color of their skin. For what? Just because someone looks differently than you doesn’t give you a right to judge them. You wouldn’t want to be judged based on that sole factor alone. So why does it happen in our society every day? We are naive to say it doesn’t. It happens subtly and not so subtly. It breaks my heart and I want to be someone who stands up and says so.

Believe me I plan on doing more than just write this blog. I know that this requires more than one tiny little blog post. I intend to do more but I felt like I needed to write this out here as well.

I want to help bring about change. I want to be part of a conversation. I don’t want to sit idly by and allow this to continue to happen to people. I want to make a difference. I want to stand up for what is right.

So we have different skin tones. Cool. We are each beautiful and uniquely made in the image of God. I am ashamed that some of my white brothers and sisters see others as less than them. I wish that we all had eyes to see one anther the way that Christ sees us. I am sure his heart breaks over this daily. It should break all our hearts.

What saddens me more is that it happens in churches and among Christians. How is this possible? How is that loving as Christ did and doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. If we love God, we should love his image bearers.

This blows my mind the most, as we are not to be like the world. We can’t keep pretending that it’s not an issue. It is a very real issue and I want to make a difference and make a change.

How are we expect anyone to want to come to Christ if we treat our fellow man this way? You can’t treat someone differently just because they look differently than you.

If you see an injustice happen, speak up and out. Don’t sit there quietly and do nothing. It’s just as bad to allow the injustice to continue. Get to know people for who they are and don’t make prejudicial and racist assumptions.

God made each and every single one of us. We are all made in the image of God. Not one of us is any better than anyone else. God has called us to love one another and as Christians, we need to stand up for our fellow man and especially our fellow believers. We should not allow this to continue at all.

I hope and pray that we can all make a difference together and come together as humans. I am going to do everything in my power to stand up and speak out against injustice. I hope that you will too.

So continuing off my last post about reflecting over this last year, like everyone else is starting to do at this point, I’m going to reflect on the idea that “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.”

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While that sounds all nice and pretty it’s no the truth. The Lord does give us more than we can handle. This is not to discourage us or to keep us down but to grow us and stretch us. It brings us closer to him. Because he can handle everything.

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.” -James 1:2-3

Are not the times that you are at your lowest the times that you cling to the Lord more? Are they not the times where you talk to him more? You read the scriptures more? You seek conversation with those who you believe to be close to him. You seek out those whom you know will really pray.

It’s during the most difficult times when we feel like we have no hope that we find our hope in him and draw in to him. He’s going to give us more than we can handle because he knows that we will turn to him. He uses this time to mold us and shape us and bring us higher. He wants us to get to the next level with him. He wants our faith to increase, therefore, he is going to sometimes give us more than we can handle.

We often don’t talk to him when we think everything is going smoothly. We start to assume that it’s because of our own strength and doing. We forget to thank him and praise him and talk to him, often times when when he is blessing us.

Believe me I wish that he wouldn’t give me more than I could handle. But the great thing is that he gives me super strength to handle whatever the situation may be. He provides me the encouragement and the power to handle what is presented to me. When I pray and ask for things and speak over my life, he hears and answers. He moves and lifts me up. He brings me through like only he can.

It is not by myself that I make it through. It is only by him and who he is and his power inside me through the Holy Spirit that I can defeat the enemy. He’s given me that jurisdiction. He has that ability and he gives me the ability. But it’s only by him.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9

So he is going to give us more than we can handle. Not to the point where he won’t provide and take care of us. But we have to get to the point where we give it all over to him and surrender. We have to let him have control of whatever the situation is.

“Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.” -Ecclesiastes 11:5

Often times what we are going through doesn’t make sense to us but we have to have faith in what the Lord is doing. It may take days, months, or years before we see why we had to endure what we did. God doesn’t have to explain to us why he’s doing what he’s doing and we aren’t going to understand it in our limited human understanding. But there is always a reason and a purpose and he is doing it for the kingdom.

When we try to do it on our own, no we won’t be able to handle it. But that is because we are trying to do things on our own strength and not in his strength.

Rely on his strength and he will make a way out of no way. He will move mountains. He will make miracles happen in the darkest of situations. You just have to have faith.

“Let us therefore draw near with boldness to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy, and may find grace for help in time of need.” -Hebrews 4:16

It’s the month for thanks right? Well I’m not going to lie I wasn’t feeling very thankful this morning. Why is it that for every good day there is bad day right after? Or what starts off as a bad day?

Yesterday was great. Work was good…busy but I love the people I work with. I love where I work. It’s beautiful. and this may not sound all that great to some but there are windows in my office. My last office did not have windows. After work I got to help at the Salvation Army. We served them a Thanksgiving style meal. It was such a blessing to work alongside those beautiful women. They all have such kind and giving spirits. I can’t wait til next month when we get to serve together again.

I was able to speak with some of them and really get to know them a bit more. What I’ve learned is that I’m not the only one who is shy. So I have to sometimes make the first step. Starting conversations are sometimes awkward but so worth it. You never know how your testimony or story is going to bless someone else.

I was even reminded of that with the student that I had met with yesterday morning. Give God the glory in everything and trust that he can do it. I am thankful that he brought me out of where I was headed. I do not even want to think about where I would be without him. It would be a sincerely scary and dark place.

Because honestly right now every time that I feel alone he reminds me that he is there. Whether it is a song, a verse, or his presence. When I start to feel down and I call to him or whisper to him, he is there. I don’t know why I ever doubt him. His timing is so perfect.

But then I sleep and I dream and it brings things up. Last night’s dream was particularly painful. For me it’s heartache that keeps coming up because that is part of what I am continuing to battle. I dreamed again that he was not talking to me and then that I agreed to go on a date with someone else but then he showed up and he and I kind of patched things up but then I saw him ask some other girl to dinner and I tried chasing after them to see who it was.

It killed everything inside me. It just made me realize that I don’t want anyone else. I’m not looking for anyone else. And reminded me that I need closure if anything. But I don’t know when I’ll get it. It started my day off bad. I didn’t want to get up. I had dreams of being productive and getting things done and doing this that and the other thing but then this paralyzed me.

I’m tired of being paralyzed. Again I prayed and then I started to think about all the things to be thankful for. So I’m going to show you in pictures some of the things that I am thankful for. The things that are important to me. But basically they aren’t things. I am thankful for people and my time with God and I want more of it.

I would keep posting pictures of people. I have too many to be thankful for and here I am worrying about one man. When you enter my life, I will forever care about you and will forever want the best for you. I am grateful for however long I have you in my life. For some, like him, I fall in love with. And I don’t easily fall out of love. But I think I’ll delve into the romantic love side of things in another post.

I am thankful for the change he has made in me and how he is using me everyday. I am sure he has used me in ways that I may never know. Because he has used other people in my life in ways that they will never know. So be thankful for the people. And dwell on what you are thankful for. This has changed my whole outlook on today.

I’m ready to go out and do what the Lord will have me to do today. I will not be stuck in bed or dwelling on the negatives. I will look at the positives and the possibilities of today. I want more out of life and therefore I will do what I can to ensure that happens. I have to make the choice. You have to make the choice. You can’t expect it to just happen.