As fans of Girls know, Hannah, Marnie, Shoshanna, and Jessa are big on mouthiness but low on maturity. So each week, blogger Chris J. Kelly is grading the four main characters’ emotional ages based on their words and actions.

Chris took a semester of psychology so he’s, like, totally qualified.

Hannah
Emotional Age: 25

While discussing job opportunities with a website that is definitely not XOJane, the interviewer suggests Hannah should do a whole mountain of coke as inspiration for a story. This sounds like a swell idea to Hapless Hedonist Horvath. In her quest to be the kind of fun person who talks about drugs on the Internet, she manages to trade shirts with a stranger, ruin the paint job in her bedroom, possibly trigger a recovering addict, badger a good friend into a crying jag and evict her roommate. Oh, and she displays her signature self-centeredness in the inappropriate ways she processes Elijah’s confession that he slept with Marnie.

It’s tough to judge her actions accurately this week since they’re all fueled by blow, but I’m going to go ahead and say that she’s acting like a twentysomething. Her problem is that she’s exceptionally dumb for her age.

MarnieEmotional Age: [not applicable]

There’s an indication early in the episode that Marnie is a real person: She knows where to get cocaine and initially rebuffs Booth Jonathan’s advances with some harsh words about his talent.

But don’t get your hopes up.

Marnie allows herself to fall under the repugnant little twit’s spell and follows him him back home. There, she is locked into horrible art projects, praises said art projects, and then has weird (and probably awful) sex with him. When Hannah stops by—politely ringing the buzzer even though she’s amped up higher than the Kool-Aid Man—Marnie gets badgered into tearfully admitting that she’s a terrible friend, even though it’s not true. Her age is immaterial this week, because she’s become an inanimate object incapable of displaying any sort of agency.

ShoshannaEmotional Age: 76

We barely see Shosh this episode, save for a quick outdoor interlude at what I assume is her apartment building. In this brief appearance, however, she emits a cloud of world-weary guilt and passive aggression so strong she would put my Italian grandmother to shame. That kind of festering, fermented stank takes decades to build up.

If she continues aging at this rate, she’ll be dead before mid-season.

JessaEmotional Age: 8

Like Shoshanna, Jessa pops up for only a moment at the stoop sale. She didn’t have much to say other than what I assume is a severely embellished story about her blouse, so I’m putting her in the high single digits because that’s when you’d run a lemonade stand, and that’s what she’s essentially doing.