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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Adventures in Tutoring

So, I've been tutoring this kid for a couple years. The other day I was encouraging my student to do some writing, so I decided to write with him to teach by example and keep from distracting him.

So I asked him to give me a prompt. Now, he has learned that Batman is kinda my favorite, because . . . well, he's the Goddamn Batman and he runs around Batmanning the hell out of Gotham City. What's not to like?

My kid though, he's a Spider-Man fan, so he tell me I have to write an essay about how Batman sucks. Here it is, reproduced in its entirety for your enjoyment (Warning: leave your rational brain out of this, please).

I am here to talk about Batman. There are a lot of people who think Batman kind of sucks, especially you compare Batman to Spider-Man. Everybody who knows anything about me knows that I am a super huge Batman fan. I think he's the coolest. However, even I have to admit that Batman does suck at some things.

First, though, I think we can all agree that Batman would totally win a fight with Dumbledore. Batman may suck, but he doesn't suck that much. No one sucks as much as Dumbledore. Dumbledore just walks around wishing he was Gandalf. But the difference is that Gandalf rocks, and Dumbledore sucks.

But now back to Batman and how much he sucks. I've never seen him play baseball, so I bet he sucks at that too. I bet he would strike out as much as Carlos Peguero and run as slow as Wily Mo Pena. And there's no way Batman's curveball is as good as Larry Bernandez's. Batman sucks at baseball.

I'm also pretty sure that Batman isn't any good at playing board games. I bet when Batman plays Monopoly he always lands in jail and never builds any hotels on his properties. I think Batman sucks at board games because he doesn't really know how to have fun. All he ever does is sit on the tops of buildings acting all serious and stuff while it rains on him. That's stupid. Batman sucks.

Someone once told me that Batman sucks at making nachos. I bet he does. Batman has a butler to do everything for him, so he probably can't even microwave a burrito. Forget nachos: Batman sucks at cooking anything!

In conclusion, there are a lot of things Batman sucks at. Except dancing. Batman is an awesome dancer.