Guilt

It has been quite some time since I have written. Somewhere along the way I was hurting feelings and creating anger from a blog that was purely meant as nothing more then an outlet for my own feelings and accounting’s of my life. It never had any intent of creating feelings of resentment from others. I found myself guilty of my own feelings and post. I like the hermit I have become held in all my thoughts and opinions and have not been on here or even verbally communicating much either. Of course that has lead me to nights like this where I am laying in bed blogging in my head crying alone and having no outlet. So here I am again.

Update on my health……. I really have had very little interest in going to the “cancer ” doctors anymore. Every solution is one that takes from the quality of life. Or worse it takes from my ability to be a mom. Which I am not willing to give up. I still have shelves full of meds but no I don’t take them. I haven’t been to any of my doctors in well over a month now. I do however work closely with several natural healing options and doctors. The u med center has allowed me to function. I had a Charcoal poultice done no idea if I am spelling that correctly. I have complete cut pop out and to be real honest I eat very little but I drink so many protein shakes in a day that Im not having drastic weight loss at the moment. However a few weeks ago when a common cold hit me I lost about 13 lbs in 10 days. I was in three hospitals and I seriously wanted to die through most of it. I think the best thing I can do for myself now is educate. I haven’t been back to a cancer doctor or even a regular doctor outside of emergencies rooms so I can’t tell if what I am doing is shrinking my tumors or helping in anyway. Truth is I have no desire to know. I don’t find any security in their numbers. I don’t think any doctor has the power to say how long my life will last. I’m looking into many other alternatives to prescription drugs and toxins. In fact on the daily my inbox is filled with so many options. People with great ideas and suggestions. I find myself constantly researching. Knowledge is power.

Update on my minions! The minions are all battling colds, viruses, and infections like crazy this year. I feel like we are always cleaning trying to keep the germs away! I find lots of distractions for them from my health….. Crying in pain means time to pack up and take 20 people to the water park. No one will notice mom’s pain while barreling down a water slide. Hotel stays trips to dinner where I eat maybe two bites for show and bring home the left overs without anyone noticing I didn’t eat. Or the trips I took to the bathroom to vomit those two bites up! Malachi and Chuck really have grown close over the past couple months. Ky’s behavior did a total 360. He still has his moments that we expect because being a teen is hard enough adding adhd makes things even more difficult. Hailey jade is trying me at every turn making sure to keep me on my toes. I mean someone’s got to make sure I am on my A game and show me how much I am needed to keep fighting right? Allen is excelling at everything he touches. I am so proud of my son. I’ve been making sure to spoil him rotten so he knows how much he is truly appreciated. I could not ask for a better child. Clare bear is really maturing. She is def my biggest aide. She is always so helpful. She is thrilled to move soon and have a bigger place. She really wants a puppy. I think she has been sending me every homeless dog ad within a 100 mile radius for the last 6 months! Aj has had a few struggles lately with behavior and school. I think he really needs some extra time with me and his daddy. I keep making plans to surprise him at lunch at school and something always ends up coming up someone needs to be seen at doc. Or Im sick or lost my glasses ( still have yet to locate those to drive) Klowey is trying to find her place. She wants to be with her older sister at all times. She wants so desperately to be in the center of attention. She is butting heads with both me and her dad. Her reading level is sky rocketed! She is into a freshmen reading level now. She is for sure becoming my little drama queen! Paytyn has really come a long way. We do see some issues becoming more predominant though. Not only can he not make eye contact while communicating now he can’t speak without his hands in his mouth or shirt or something. Making him difficult to understand. He also has a new thing to rhythm everything not only he says but everyone else says too. Of course that leads to inappropriate words and trouble. He had an apt this week with the peds about his autism struggles but sadly i had to reschedule.

I have tons more to write but currently can’t get my cough under control to continue so until next time.