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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My stomach was in perpetual free-fall, my fingers clenched into my palms and I stared across my room as if a tidal wave were headed right for me. It was so strange, really. Not moments before I had been so happy, so instilled with joy that I thought it'd never end. And yet there there was my problem, so perfectly placed before me.

That the happy moment would end, it would be gone forever and be replaced by something uncertain.

I dove into the memories of days gone by, around the many ups and downs, twists and turns that I'd already gone through in the already half gone year. It was too much, too much for me to try and digest in that single moment and I sighed, allowing myself to brood in the feeling of hopelessness. Hopelessness for a future that had not yet arrived.

To put it simply, I was copying everything that had gone wrong from my previous few months and pasting them into the rest of 2012. And I was doing this more often than I'd like to admit. It was pathetic, it did me no good.

So as I sat there on my bed, lamenting the bitter choices I would have to make with family and friends I looked over at the paper I'd recently pinned on my wall:

"There is no 'good' or 'bad'. There is only the moment and what you make of it".

I stared at it, thinking.

Then I spoke.

"There is no future".

I blinked, realizing how refreshing it sounded. And then I frowned. I knew that it also appeared bleak, as if there was nothing after the moment I was in.

But, strange as it may sound, I couldn't get over how much I liked that notion!

It was as though everything was put into the tiniest perspective possible and I was on this huge mountain overlooking how puny it was! All those problems! All those issues! They didn't matter if there was no future!

There was only now, the moment that I was living in. And I loved it because it was not so overwhelming, not so filled with "what ifs". It was just me, being myself and taking every moment for what it could be: my very last.

Now, every morning as I wake up to greet the day, I have another sign on the wall which greets me with:

"There is no Future, there is only Now."

And I thank my lucky stars that I have Now to live in, to create and mold into whatever I so please.