Ellie Chat Feb. 27: Controlling Partners

Hi Everyone! There’s a fine line between a caring partner, and one who cares too much about where you go, whom you see, what clothes you wear. Recognize that you’re in a controlling relationship, is upsetting, and difficult to change. But, it CAN can be done. The chat starts at noon, questions and comments are already coming in. I look forward to answering yours!

by Ellie2/27/2013 3:09:35 PM

Hi Ellie. My husband and I have been together for 8 years. Just over a year ago, I had a brief fling at work which I quickly confessed to my husband. Luckily, he forgave me and since then our relationship has gotten stronger through counselling and more communication. However, since my affair my husband has gotten quite controlling although he never had this issue in the past. He gets suspicious when I go out without the kids, he says he doesn't like when I get all dolled up for work (my affair happened with an ex-coworker) and I can always sense an underlying air of distrust towards me even though I have admitted to and accepted my mistake and will never make a similar one again. Will he ever learn to trust me again or is this normal for couples who have been through similar situations?

by Michelle2/27/2013 3:09:40 PM

My partner has opinions on just about everything – she has “rules” for everything in the house, from how underwear is put in a drawer (including mine!) to how to squeeze the most garbage into a garbage bag. Neither the kids nor I can make a move without her assessment and criticism. She questions our doctor’s advice, argues with their teachers, and even tries to get me to argue against every procedure at my work. I’m at my wits’ end.

by Wits' end2/27/2013 3:09:53 PM

Welcome All! When “I’ll take care of you” changes into smothering control, many people feel too intimidated to stand their ground. But it’s a necessity if you’re to stay in this relationship. We learn from each other’s experiences, so share yours. and join the chat. I’ll answer the early questions and comments, then respond to yours. And I’ll be live-tweeting @ellieadvice.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:00:00 PM

Michelle – Classic signals of insecurity from your “fling.” Sorry, but it’s cheating and calling it a “fling” can sound like you’re dismissing it’s significance, which would worry him. That said, you need to calm him down with reassurances of your love, good sex (to show it wasn’t better elsewhere…even if it was, as often happens in an affair).

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:00:39 PM

Plus, be understanding but stand your ground. Say where you’re going out (this is normal) but if he asks or shows suspicions, just insist that he has to believe you now, period. Dress as nicely as ever for work, but don’t be overtly sexy, no husband appreciates that. If he still comments on your clothing, say you’re glad he cares, and kiss him as you walk out the door.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:01:06 PM

Wits’ End – No wonder. She’s extremely insecure, fears chaos c if she’s not in charge of everything. This usually comes from past experiences or trauma, and needs therapy help. Tell her she’s creating dependent kids who can’t make decisions, and will grow up to let others control them…most likely people with opposite agendas to her own overprotection.. Add that she’s pushing you away, which will be even harder on the kids.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:01:50 PM

Sorry, but these questions are silly. I control all the finances in our family at my wife's request. She can see the numbers anytime she'd like but she prefers I handle it so how is that controlling? And while some people may feel comfortable allowing their spouse to hang out with a former lover, I don't think it makes one controlling to not be crazy about that sort of thing. An old friend is one thing, maybe even a high school sweetheart but just randomly spending time with exes sounds strange to me.

by Gerald2/27/2013 5:02:08 PM

Gerald – The poll’s intended to raise discussion so thanks for your comments. Your wife’s agreed to your handling of finances, so that’s different from one partner saying only he/she can be in charge, and blocking questions. The red-flag phrase in this poll question is “taken over.” Trust me, that does happen and IS control.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:02:40 PM

Also, while you’re correct that former lovers are commonly not welcome by the other spouse, the word “forbid” is the clue here. Most people in relationships have longtime friends and even ex’es who became buddies. If never seeing these people, is an order, and creates negative consequences, that’s serious control.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:03:13 PM

There is a difference between a division of responsibilities and complete control. It's OK if one person is responsible for paying the household bills, but not OK if they make all the decisions about household expenses. For example, my husband pays all the bills online, but always lets me know how much is going out, asks if we should cancel a service (i.e. cable or Netflix) before actually doing it. That is teamwork, not control. The same goes for shopping and cooking. Usually one person takes on more responsibility, but should get input from the other, or help with related tasks (carrying groceries, chopping veggies, menu planning).

by SueL2/27/2013 5:03:31 PM

Yes, Sue, yours is the sane way that people work out teamwork, especially when both work and there are kids and there are so many tasks to share! But control has other elements than just one area like finances, It often involves treating a partner like a subordinate or a child that can't be trusted.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:04:49 PM

My wife of 30 years has ended our sex life, with no discussion. She says she’s entitled after three decades of fulfilling my sexual needs, and not caring that she wasn’t that interested. The thing is she wouldn’t discuss her lower sex drive when we were younger and now says she doesn’t have to. I say this shows her to be a controller, and it’s unfair in a marriage.

by David2/27/2013 5:05:00 PM

Yes, she’s been “controlling” the intimacy levels and now it’s absence, for 30 years. You may’ve tried to change things, but she’s held this power throughout. Hard to change now but not impossible.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:05:38 PM

Insist you go to counselling together OR you’ll weigh your options. And do so….you can leave, find a sexual partner when on your own again, have an affair to which she agrees, cheat if she doesn’t (causes other problems) or satisfy yourself. Make sure she understands you do have choices.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:05:44 PM

I made the mistake of asking my girlfriend how many sexual partners she’s had. Her number was much higher than mine. She explained that she had a wild period after University, after her college sweetheart dumped her and moved in with a gay partner. I get it how that affected her, but it’s made me pretty insecure. I do check up on her if she’s late from work, or says she’s having a girls’ night out, and now when she’s planning a vacation with her female cousins. I want her to make promises to me about no “dates” or hook-ups, and I want her to answer my calls, which she ignores when she’s out.

Am I wrong?

by Insecure2/27/2013 5:06:01 PM

Yes, you’re wrong. The “numbers” game is a fool’s set-up, since someone’s always going to have had MORE. But she’s been upfront about how many and why…all in the past. You need to be talking about what you both expect from a committed dating relationship. If you stop hounding her, she’ll answer your calls if they’re for real reasons and not constant

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:06:45 PM

Any others having a hard time with partner who had more sex in the past?

by Ellie edited by life2/27/2013 5:07:07 PM

Thanks for the advice Ellie. And I realize I cheated, I only refer to it as a fling because there was no sex involved, just some fooling around and inappropriate texting. Nevertheless, I am determined to make it work with my husband as I know one mistake cannot break us apart.

by Michelle2/27/2013 5:07:21 PM

Thanks for the feedback. The fact that there was no actual physical sex shows how very insecure it's made your husband. Cut him some slack on this but gently show that you have to be trusted now and not "supervised."

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:08:25 PM

My husband’s ex-wife is very manipulative, she constantly uses “the kids” to get my husband over on some phony excuse, which half the time is just about having a drink together. It happened a few times so I’ve said, no visiting her at night, anything can wait till the next day unless someone’s bleeding. I’ve also said no more than one “visit” a month beyond when he has to see her every other weekend to get the kids to come here or take them home. I’m protecting MY interest, not controlling.

by Protective2/27/2013 5:08:42 PM

You don’t get to make up rationalizations for control. Divorced people with shared child custody can’t be given orders about how often they have contact with the other parent.

You’re entitled to say that their regularly having a drink together, makes you uncomfortable. A loving partner will understand and limit unnecessary visits on his own.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:09:25 PM

But note this: when it comes to seeing his kids and spending a little extra time in their presence, stop the commands or your indifference to his kids and their relationship, will be a bigger problem.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:09:44 PM

To All - the issue of ex-spouses where the kids live is a touchy one in many relationships. How is it handled in yours, without "controls?"

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:10:30 PM

My fiance used to be a player but says that’s all over since he fell in love with me. I say fine, then he cannot object to my knowing where he is and with whom he has contact. I don’t allow either of us to have personal email accounts, we either share the same one so everything’s clear between us, or I’ll have to suspect/believe he’s hiding something.

He sometimes accuses me of being irrationally jealous, but if you’re dealing with a former player, you can never be too sure.

by Cautious not jealous2/27/2013 5:11:28 PM

HE can be sure – that you’re irrationally jealous. And I’m sure that you’ll end up losing him, unless you back off your patrols. It seems you like that he’s a former “player,” as it gave you assumed license to order him about. Stop it. Either believe he’s reformed because he loves you, or you’re creating a self-fulfilling prophecy….even if he doesn’t cheat, he’ll leave.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:12:05 PM

Note to all....sometimes "control" comes in the form of "I'm going to change him/her for their own good."

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:12:50 PM

In a healthy relationship, even if you each have some flaws - and everyone does - the other partner isn't your teacher/parent.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:13:38 PM

Ellie, do you think cell calls and texting can easily progress to controlling behaviour. I notice at school that the texting between couples becomes obsessive about were the other one is, why they are not answering...etc.

by student2/27/2013 5:13:49 PM

Yes, right on! And many of the questions I get in my advice column reflect this too - an obsession with whereabouts, a hyped-up drama about what MIGHT be going on. In young people it's often about huge insecurity, and lack of self-confidence. But if the other person gives into it, it becomes control.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:15:08 PM

Remember, jealousy and rage around perceived "flirting" that didn't happen, is another form of control.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:15:38 PM

I have a Master’s Degree, travelled a lot when single, can speak several languages and love reading. I married at 36, and now four years later wonder if my husband resents my education and travels. He’s a hard worker, not an owner, likes sports and playing poker with friends, doesn’t read books, has rarely travelled. I find him putting me down in company, belittling my “expensive education,” says I have no idea of the “real world,” as he does. He dismisses most of my opinions as “book-learned.”

by Booklover2/27/2013 5:16:07 PM

Find this guy’s talents and attributes soon, and praise him, or you’ll be apologizing for your education and worldliness for years to come. So far, he’s constantly comparing himself to you, feeling under-achieving, and under-valued.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:16:40 PM

This is likely in his own head, in which case only counselling or successes will change that attitude.

However, if you’re inadvertently showing him up or your friends are making him feel belittled, you need to address that.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:16:51 PM

How have others dealt with such "mixed" marriages of different backgrounds between income levels, education, so-called sophistication, etc.??

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:17:43 PM

My parents worry about my marriage of six months. My husband’s older and a loner, he doesn’t like to visit or have company, he says we married to be together and don’t need anyone else. But he does love me very much, and also he likes us to have sex every night so we do need time alone to have dinner, watch some porn (he says it’s helping us with new ideas and getting in the mood, which is true),. And be in bed with enough time for practicing what we learned. I know he only wants us to be happy and fully bonded together. How do I tell my parents to stop worrying? I’m 22 and know he’s doing the best for us.

by Vera2/27/2013 5:18:01 PM

Frankly, I’m worried too. Your youth is preventing you from seeing what your parents see – this man is a serious controller, and isolater, who’s all about you servicing his every need and not in the least interested in your need to see family.

by Ellie edited by life2/27/2013 5:18:49 PM

Vera, Do not believe his twisted idea that seeing no others and getting all your sexual inspiration from porn will “bond” you. I predict it will overwhelm you, and eventually turn you off him completely.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:19:08 PM

ALSO See your parents on your own if he won’t go along, and maintain contact with them frequently. Have a signal about where and how you can reach them if he’s trying to prevent it. Like I said, I’m worried.

by Ellie2/27/2013 5:19:22 PM

Ask yourselves some questions about your relationship, if you have any sense at all of being controlled: