Taking on life, one sip at a time

Tag: change

Amazing what can happen when I choose to spend time in my art studio! Made this one this morning at, you guessed it, 5am.

I’m sure you’ve heard about #oneword by now, right? It’s been around for a while. The gist is you choose one word at the beginning of the year and use that word to improve yourself throughout the course of that year. I’ve attempted it in the past. Multiple times. I came up with a word, wrote it somewhere, and then hoped for the best. If I remember correctly, past words of mine were Simplicity, Enough, and I think even Change. Except that I haven’t.

Changed, that is.

I keep repeating the same years, over and over and over again. I mean, sure, some things change. The kids keep getting bigger, after all. But this rut that I’ve gotten into has just not gone away. It’s exhausting being this stuck and constantly spinning my wheels but getting nowhere. But, I had an epiphany.

I haven’t changed because I haven’t done anything differently.

I know, right? It’s like, whoa, that’s some deep stuff! Seriously, though, I have been waiting for changes to happen instead of actually doing the things that need to get done to see some changes. (Duh.)

I know it sounds ridiculous, just waiting for change. In fact, I KNOW it’s ridiculous. I’ve been living it, for crying out loud! But I think many (most?) of us are waiting for the next thing before we decide we’ll make a change. The next season. The next event. The next house. The next job. The next {fill in the blank}.

But change ain’t gonna happen if we just sit back and wait for it. Trust me, I know. My years keep ticking by… If you want something different for yourself, you have to DO something to get there. You want to have better health? Reading all the health blogs in the world won’t get you there. You have to DO something, like eat better and exercise. You want to get out of debt? Reading all of Dave Ramsey’s books, while inspiring, won’t make it happen unless you DO what he tells you to do in those books. You want a cleaner house? Buying all the fancy supplies and setting up schedules won’t work unless you DO the things it says to do on those scheduled days.

You want a better life for yourself? You have to DO something for it. (Amazing concept, isn’t it?)

In order to DO something, you have to know your options. You have to know what it is that will get you where you want to be. And then you have to decide to do it. This is the trickiest part for me. See, I’m awesome at researching options. I can research the heck out of things, and then overthink them, and then get overwhelmed, and then freeze. A dear, smart friend calls this “analysis paralysis”, and I totally have that. To. A. Tee. So, how do I change?

I have to make a choice.

A-ha! And there is it. That’s my word of 2016. Choice.

I have been a perpetual decision-deferrer. (Is that a thing?) I have no opinion about anything, or so it would seem, and I constantly avoid decision-making. I’m not sure if over the years I thought it would be better, maybe more peaceful, to just let the other person decide? You know, so they’re happy? I dunno. But I’ve gotten worse and worse at making choices. (Unfortunately, that’s rubbing off on my kids which is annoying the heck out of me, so we must remedy this problem post-haste.) On the other end of the spectrum, because I’m a researchaholic, I tend to give myself way too many options when needing to make a choice, and then I can’t decide what to do or how to start so I just don’t. I do nothing. Add a lack of DO-ing to the lack of decision-making and it’s a recipe for perpetual sameness, folks.

I read an article (researching again, surprise!) about strong women and things they do and don’t do. (I’d post a link but I can’t remember where I saw it…. sorry about that.) One of the items in the article that stuck out to me is they do not apologize for making decisions. They make decisions and stick with them because they know what’s best for themselves. They don’t doubt themselves. They don’t question themselves or their actions. Decisions are a sign of strength and are powerful.

Choice: The opportunity or power to make a decision.

So, that’s where I’m going to start this year. I’m going to consciously make choices about what I do each day. I can choose to be lazy (default setting) or be active. I can choose to be the same day in and day out or to change. I can choose to DO or not. Either way, it’s a choice. My “choosing” perspective has already helped! I chose to get up at 5am this morning, for example, because I know I have better days when I take time for myself first. I chose to clean the house today instead of letting it go just “one more day” because it really needed to get done. I chose to start meal planning again because I know that’s the only way we will eat better as a family. Could I chose to sleep in and then be cranky and unproductive? Of course! Could I choose to continue to live in a less-than-kept house and cringe when others visit? Sure. Could I choose to just wing it with our food and struggle daily with what to eat? Yep.

Could I choose to stay the same, repeat another year, and end up in the same place yet again? Yes.

Every year I make a pact with myself to be Facebook Free on Fridays. And every year I fail. Utterly. This year, apparently, is no exception. (In my defense, I’ve been sick and on the couch for a good chunk of the week so I had no idea what day it was.)

But, I digress.

So, today is Friday. The 5th Friday of the year, and I was on Facebook. (Hello, my name is Jessica, and I’m an addict.) *Sigh*

Why am I posting about it? Well, in the past, as soon as I peeked on a Friday, I called the whole thing off because there is NO WAY I can do Facebook Free Fridays since I failed once! I mean, why even bother!? Right? (Oh, I should note that I *may* have a little too much drama. Maybe.)

And this is where this year is different. Instead of my typical inner dialog, I’m just going to try again next week.

*Gasp*

You can DO that?

I know, it’s earth shattering, really, to think of just trying again instead of writing the entire next 11 months off as a loss. But really, why not? Who says that screwing up once makes it useless to try it again? (The answer to that would be my former self, in case you were curious.) Will I be completely Facebook Free on every Friday? Not a chance. I am human, after all. But, I’m baby stepping my way there. Ultimately, I’d like to break the hold that Facebook, and social media in general, has on my life (that’s a whole other post) but for now, I try to just keep away on Fridays.

So, why this sudden bout of grace for myself? Well, for starters, remember that cleaning routine I’ve been working so hard on? And remember how I mentioned I’ve been sick on the couch most of the week? Yeah…. guess what hasn’t gotten done at all this week? In the past, that’s it – I’d give up. But this time? I’m going to try again. I’m in a rut from being sick and my house has suffered because of it, but not because I chose not to do the chores due to laziness or just a general “I don’t wanna” attitude. I chose, instead, to let my body rest and heal. (And Hubby made sure of that so I didn’t really have a choice in the matter.) Because of this new me that allows for mistakes, I’ll get back in the groove as soon as I’m well and able. I don’t have to throw in the towel. Maybe I’ll do a quick run through of the house tomorrow. Or, maybe instead I’ll just plan on spending a little extra time in each room during their set days next week. No matter what, it will get done, and it will be ok.

The point is, I’m learning flexibility. And grace. And learning to be ok with not perfect. I’ve finally, after many years, learned that I can’t keep going the way I’ve been going because it wasn’t getting my anywhere.

Now, this isn’t as easy as I may be making it sound. My inner self has been bashing me all week while I was on the couch, and continues to do so. I’ve pity partied with my inner dialog many times, and it’s a struggle to stop. But slowly, I’m working on that. I’m allowing the inner me to throw her tantrum and be mean and hurtful. I’m just trying harder to ignore her and not to join in this time.