Monday, February 04, 2008

Unwillingly, a smut meme

Well, just when I thought it was safe to come back onto the internet, I've been tagged with a smut meme. Now, it's not that I'm not grateful or anything, it's just that I'm not bloody grateful. I mean, who writes these bloody things? And can't they let us internet voyeurs go around the internet in peace, reading other people's blogs anonymously and never expecting to be challenged. Gah!

Still, I guess it's one of the difficulties you get on the net from time to time. Faced with this smut meme, I've been considering several options.

1) Lie completely and utterly. (This is a protection from any potential embarassment, and really, does anyone expect anything else from me? Don't answer that.)

2) Tell the truth. (Yeep!)

3) Post an elaborate excuse on my blog as to why I will not do the smut meme while simultaneously not appearing to be timid or a coward. (Nope, can't think of any).

4) Only post the questions to the smut meme, letting my ever-astute readership figure out the answers themselves, as a kind of cooperative experience. (I could post it under the title 'So, tell me about my sexuality', or something. Actually, that could could be kinda fun.)

Or there's always the last one, option 5):

5) Actually do the smut meme.

Oh, all right then. But I'm not tagging anyone for this thingo. (Though it's tempting to tag Nottlesby and Prude.)

3. Outdoor Sex or Indoor Sex:What's this got to do with... oh, it's one of those questions, is it? Well, both have their virtues, I'm sure.

4. In the Jacuzzi or In Bed:I'm not even sure what a jacuzzi is. It sounds like a type of carnivorous plant. In bed, thanks.

5. Bad Sex or No Sex:Chastity, all the way!

6. Dominate or Be Dominated:No idea.

7. Thigh highs or Bodystocking:A ludicrous question. I would prefer if the person in question was wearing a few volumes of Wordsworth.

8. Fast or Slow:Both, and both at the same time, thanks. Especially when it comes to whipped cream.

9. Rough or Gentle:??????

10. Bite or Suck:Again, I refer you to 1).

11. Role play or Reality:All the world's a stage/And all the men and women merely players.

12. Dirty Talking or Dirty Talking To:Fuck, no.

13. Edible panties or No Panties:Bugger off. I prefer chocolate.

14. Spanking paddle or Bare-handed:What the hell is a spanking paddle?

Actually, please don't answer that.

15. Landing Strip or Kojak:What kind of freak goes around calling their genitals either of these things? Can you imagine using one of these terms in 'Where do you come from'? ('And babies come out of the Kojak!')

These expressions are hideous. Let us never use them again.

16. Multiple Sessions or One Good Fuck:If by 'Fuck', you mean 'Readings of the poetry of Yeats', then multiple sessions, please.

17. Moaning or Screaming:As the occasion suits. But, as some schmuck said, 'Moderation in all things - even this sentence'.

18. Older (Wo)men or Young (Wo)men:Who are you asking these things, anyway? Don Juan?

I really don't find much movie sex very erotic or interesting to look at, and I'm not sure why they draw out the scenes so long. The actors usually look at their best when they are flirting, dancing, teasing etc, but when they are actually having sex (or at least acting the sex scene) ... errrgh. I suppose in the movie they want us to know they have "done it" but the long drawn out scenes take away from a movie rather than add to it in my opinion.

Italian movie sex is the best movie sex. They make out like a kiss is the greatest thing in the world, and to emphasise this, they'll just roll their heads around a lot, mostly with their lips not even touching. French movie sexing often involves a lot of talking, while American sexing in movies is pretty coy and prudish. (Bums and breasts are often covered up by sheets.) The sexing in early 1980s and late 1970s movies is pretty funny, often symbolised by waving silken veils and characters dragging their hands across aforementioned silken veils.

Haha, yes, the 70's sex scenes were...obtuse. I have a Hammer flick on DVD where the sex scene (between a vampire and a human, no less) consisted of ethereal sighs and a series of meaningful looks across the bedsheets.

I still find one of the best "sex" scenes to be when Rhett Butler takes Scarlett upstairs, and then cut to Scarlett sitting in bed, singing to herself with the most cheerful can't-wipe-it-off-her-face smiles on. Nothing more need be shown. But then, I'm a Gone with the Wind fan.

I suppose the scene I was thinking about when I wrote that post was a movie I watched recently called "Taking Lives" starring Angelina Jolie and Ethan Hawke - when they are having sex, it involves a lot of press-Angelina-up-against the wall, grunting, groaning, rolling about in bed, etc etc, after a while you feel like you've heard all the grunting and groaning necessary, it's hardly a turn on, neither actually looks becoming and it gets a little too long.

And I thought the Americans were supposed to be into Wham, Bam, thank You Ma'am! Quite the opposite, from what these movie scenes would have moi believe!

I has not played a game of tag for a long time, not since I was a young Prude and I found it is used even at that age for some rather unPrude-ish reasons. The persons in questions runs about saying Prude! Prude! then tips you and tries to touch your derriere! Not good! Then they say "Now you has to kiss the nearest boy!" I say "I does not!"

I is glad to see you has found your inner prude by exploring smut.

Hmmm.

It is my own belief that sexiness is often very dirty and not very aesthetically pleasant. I has been wondering if sexiness tapes were shown to young children they would be put off sex forever. I may explore this possibility on my Prude Mission Blog, after all I do not discount worthwhile Prude Endeavour possibilities.