THE Department of Culture, Media and Sport is run by Tessa Jowell, the nearest thing to a chocolate fireguard in the Cabinet.

Beneath her at the DCMS are Dick Caborn, the no-nonsense Sports Minister, and two juniors, James Purnell and David Lammy.

Lammy, possibly the lamest member of the front benches, says "er" so much in his parliamentary performances that he should be officially retitled "Minister-er-er-er".

And Purnell, the quiffy-haired child politician, has a double helping of Blairite condescension. Not surprising, since he graduated from the infants' class at Downing Street.

This week, he loftily reassured MPs anxious about very late-night boozing that everybody will behave if only the pubs can stay open until 2am, as this will stagger their drinking.

It will stagger them all right. Binge drinkers will stay until closing time before falling out into the street.

It is too late now to change New Labour's dangerous drinking charter, but I bet a future government will be compelled to rein in boozing hours simply to save our towns and cities from alcoholic ruination.

In the meantime, Jowell, Lammy and Purnell could usefully be given the building industry's version of the DCM - Don't Come Monday.