BREAKING: San Diego Sailors Make Peace With God As Steady Rain Threatens Life As We Know It

SAN DIEGO, Calif. – The worst storm to slam sunny San Diego in the past six years has encouraged thousands of sailors to repent for their sins and seek the unconditional forgiveness of the omniscient deity of their choosing, sources confirmed Friday.

Many service members elected to remain home and spend their last moments with their families — except those on duty — who were tasked with bringing two animals of every kind aboard their ships.

“Duty is duty,” proclaimed an unidentified master chief.

While the storm hammered central and northern California with gale force winds, washing out roads and causing landslides, San Diego’s unreal exposure to steady precipitation for more than two hours has led many to accept that the end is, in fact, near.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Petty Officer 1st Class Eric James. “Today was the second time in my naval career that I’ve actually prayed. The first time was in boot camp, when I learned that I could leave the barracks if I went to church.”

James added: “I stayed home today boarding up my windows and trying to get the generator to work. There’s no way I’d risk driving. San Diegan motorists are conditioned to use highways built for consistent sunshine and the occasional mild drizzle.”

The storm, part of the “Pineapple Express” weather system, is expected to break from the coast and swing inland by Friday evening.

“I always knew that my life would be at risk when I decided to join the Navy,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Jeff Miller, who held a candlelight vigil in his barracks room with several close shipmates.

“I just never imagined I’d go out like this,” he added. “I always assumed I would drink myself to death.”

Even transplants from harsher climes, such as the rest of the United States, expressed unease with the doomsday-like downpour.

“No, no, no! Not again!” cried out Chief Petty Officer Andre Allen, a Virginia native who has spent the entirety of his 15-year naval career in San Diego. “I can’t go back to this!”

At press time, a momentary lull in the rain had inspired a glimmer of hope and the promise of brighter days to follow, while also inspiring commanding officers to recall everyone back to work for full accountability.

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