Love
addiction effects more people than you might think. Terri
has been in and out of a relationship with Jack for 15
years. However, Jack always has other women. Sometimes
he has several sexual relationships going at once. Jack
is a sex addict. Terri, a love addict, is addicted to
Jack.

Beth is a rageaholic. For the last 18 months, she and
Tim have been breaking up for a week or two but then
getting back together until the next blow-up. Tim's
friends cannot understand why he keeps going back for
more. What they don't understand is that Tim is
addicted to Beth.

Most people do not understand love addiction or know how
to identify it, but there are recognizable roles,
underlying emotions and a common cycle of behavior that
you can learn to spot. Here is what to look for.

The
Roles in Addictive Relationships
There are two roles. The first role is the Love Addict
who has an addiction to someone who has another primary
addiction. The second role is the Addict. Like Jack or
Beth in our examples, the Addict has an addiction to
something such as alcohol, drugs, sex, work, raging,
etc.

The
Underlying Emotions in Addictive Relationships
The Love Addict has an overwhelming fear of
abandonment but underneath there is also a fear of
intimacy.
The Addict is terrified of being controlled,
smothered or engulfed but has an underlying fear of
abandonment.

A
Common Cycle of Behavior in Addictive Relationships
Pia Mellody, in her books and tapes on love addiction,
identifies the following pattern in the cycle of
addictive relationships. There are several steps in the
pattern. Like a dance, this pattern begins, progresses
and ends but then begins again. This cycle can last for
years if not interrupted by treatment.

The
Love Addict:

The
Addict:

Step1

Is
attracted to the adulation and power of
the Addict

Is
attracted to the neediness and
vulnerability of the Love Addict and
begins to feel safe and wanted

Step2

Gets
high from their fantasy about the Addict

Experiences
relief from their sense of being alone,
incomplete and not mattering

Creates
more fantasy and begins to feel safe,
complete and valued

Seduces
the Love Addict

Gets high
from hooking the Love Addict into the
relationship

Gets high
from the adulation of the Love Addict

Step3

Becomes
more needy and worries about the Addicts preoccupation with their addiction

Denies
their early feelings of abandonment

Sees
increasing evidence of abandonment which
causes their denial to crumble

Abandons
the Love Addict by engaging in their own
addiction in order to lessen their fear of
control and engulfment

Step5

Begins
to obsess about the Addict and plans to
get relief from their withdrawal symptoms
by
1) engaging in some other addiction
2) planning how to get the Addict back, or
3) planning to get even
then acts their plan out compulsively

Feels
guilt and/or fear about abandoning the
Love Addict

Step6

Gets
to start the cycle over if the Addict
notices and returns to the relationship
with another seduction or waits for a new
Addict in order to start a new Step 1

Returns
to seduce the Love Addict out of fear of
their own abandonment or guilt about
addiction or moves on to seduce another
Love Addict. Returns to Step 1

Hope for Change in Addictive RelationshipsWhether someone
has an addiction to a substance, an activity or
another person, they are attempting to medicate
or distract themselves from the emotional pain
of their life. It is through courageously
facing and ultimately resolving their underlying
pain that people can finally free themselves
from an addictive relationship cycle.

Often the underlying pain that people seek to
avoid or find distraction from is so painful and
overwhelming that traditional talk therapy is
not helpful. In such cases, what can help are
specific treatments designed to relieve
emotional trauma.

Since 1992,
emerging and evolving treatments are making the
job of easing intense emotional pain possible.
Treatments that research and clinical experience
prove powerful enough to eliminate the pain of
traumatic events include
Quick REMAP, the REMAP process,
CBT
and EMDR. Easing this type of pain allows us to
change an underlying and driving dynamic in love
addiction.

Although it will
require professional help, love addicts can
change and they can replace their addictive
patterns with a healthier version of love.
They can learn to say good-by to love
addiction.

Steve B. Reed, LPC, LMSW, LMFT is a
psychotherapist that helps people overcome the
cycle of love addiction. His practice is in the
Dallas area but he provides phone counseling
worldwide. You can reach Steve at 972-997-9955
or through his website at
www.psychotherapy-center.com