Category Archives: Suicide

Like many others of my generation, I grew up in a family that didn’t talk about anything. Shhhhh. what might the neighbors think? There were horrible arguments in my home growing up as the child of an alcoholic. And without fail, a day or two later, after the “Sounds of Silence,” people would break it and act as if nothing ever happened and simply go on with their lives. On occasion, there would be days, weeks or even months that went by and not a word was spoken. What happens to all that energy not expelled, all that tucked into the cells of our beings – festering in the “Sounds of Silence?”

I truly hope at some point that the numerous people who have criticized me over the years for this or that or whatever the fuck they thought MY problem was, will read these blogs or my upcoming book and possibly understand on a deeper level what it is actually like to grow up in a household with constant trauma as a über sensitive soul. When a child is so young and vulnerable, they have no way of defending their self from the ENERGY of ANGER, of RAGE of constant discord in an environment that molds them. A child should be in a happy and nurturing environment always. (Example, children are sensitive to energy just like animals are. They are pure souls without defense mechanisms. That is what makes them so beautiful, their innocence. Over the course of the last days since I found out about my sister’s death, I have had to shelter my sweet Mona from my immense emotional expulsions of grief. When I first found out about Barb’s death, the sounds that were exiting my body were none I have ever made before. And because I have done SO MUCH WORK to be at my level of self-awareness, I know that to suppress is to get sick. SO I FUCKING LET IT OUT!!! Depression on many levels, is simply anger and/or sadness turned inward. And I am NEVER going back there. NEVER. So if I need to emote, I am going to do so in a safe environment so that the ENERGY coming from me is not absorbed by anyone around me, 2 or 4 legged.)

The intention of writing and publishing a book about my journeys in life is not about EGO gratification. Rather it’s about real life experiences that people who suffer/struggle from any kind of trauma, mental health issue or addiction can hopefully relate to. It’s for people who are in recovery, and no, I am not just talking about drugs and alcohol. It’s intended for people who have been victims of abuse, of domestic violence, people who struggle with abuse of ANY kind, people who have been victims of homophobia, people who have suffered or currently suffer from mental illness, depression, anxiety, or more other serious diagnosis. I’m simply writing so that I can help others through REAL LIFE EXPERIENCES, not hypothetical ones. So many self help books have been written on recovery that come from a clinical standpoint, people who have studied all of the aforementioned soul sicknesses. And although more are rapidly emerging, in comparison, there have been few that are written from actual life experiences. I do believe this is the new form of “therapy.” Instead of going to have “treatment” with someone that has a bunch of letters behind their name, the recovery coaches of the new age are going to simply hang a shingle out that says. “My name is so and so and I have been through the HELL and back.” And they won’t charge $175 per hour, yet if one doesn’t have that idiotic green stuff we all value so much in this life, the door will still be open – sliding scale and FREE if people do not have money and need help. This is my way I can give back to humanity. Because after all, that is WHY we are here, to be of service to our fellow humans and our planet. End of story.

So, in closing this brief musing today, I hope that by reading my real life accounts of being IN it and moving THROUGH it, people can find a life of freedom, liberation, and experience the true nature of their soul, a happiness and bliss that is not BECAUSE of anyone or anything outside of ourselves. IT IS JUST BECAUSE IT IS OUR GODDAMN BIRTH RIGHT! Namasté

Yes, I finally did it. I de-activated my Facebook account. I had to finally break a very unhealthy addiction. Thanks to some lovely “moral majority – right wing” #dolts who have not a clue what a FACT is, who turned around after I wrote my last blog and insisted that it was “leftist bullshit” and that I was mentally ill (CORRECT? cuz FACTS have a party affiliation? And when you can’t come back with anything to intellectually debate, of course you attack someone’s mental health or physical appearance!) I thought, WHY IN THE NAME OF ANYTHING GOOD AM I WASTING MY TIME WITH THESE #DOLTS? Yes, “I let go of that which no longer serves my highest good.” And if you who I have been feverishly debating (with futility I might add) are reading this, I truly do thank you for sparking my greater intelligence. My better judgement said, “Get rid of Facebook altogether because the IGNORANCE on there disturbs you so that you can’t simply just “scroll on by.”” Yes, in my EDUCATED OPINION, IGNORANCE prevails amongst those who still are waiving the flag in the name of patriotism in this day and age. This is #fakepatriotism, IMO. Little do most “wavers” realize that the most patriotic thing a TRUE American can do is question his government, his leadership, and when it is not serving it’s people as it should, not hide behind a flag, or an anthem or “service” in our armed forces to defend our so-called freedom. Oh, that last sentence is definitely an opinion although I sure stand behind what Teddy said… FYI, I will no longer be writing my blogs to waste time on #dolts, yet hopefully, through my own shit storms and blisses of life, write for those who are interested in being better and more evolved humans and taking the optimum care of our planet and ALL it’s life forms! ONWARD…

About 8 months ago, I began a daily recital upon awakening the mantra above that titles this blog. It was one that was given to me a very long time ago from one of my Spiritual teachers in California. Two weeks after crossing over the border of peaceful Canada into this cesspool of drama and political chaos, I watched and FELT myself getting more tense, getting more ANGRY… People kept telling me I was angry and I was like, “Really, you think so??? Duh!” I think I am self-aware enough to take some time when feeling stuff like that arise in me to take a step back, to take a breath and get to what the root of it is as to not let it leak out to situations or direct it at people who do not deserve it. As I wrote recently, there is nothing wrong with expression of anger as long as it is directed towards what or who you are actually angry at and as long as it does not turn violent or harm another. Anger is just an E-motion = energy in motion. That is why those who have pent up stress or anger often resort to exercises like kick boxing to release it. (BTW, my recent anger that arose was properly directed at the #fuckingdolts who still support that Orange Anus. So, after the events of Thursday which I am getting to, A VERY wise woman advised me on Friday… “Sue, now that you have found what you think the root is, (operative word is think there – wink wink 😉 why not go to a big beautiful tree in the yard and wrap your arms around it and send it down into the earth, to the very core, where the molten lava exists? And then, don’t forget to ask Gaia, or the GREAT SPIRITS THAT BE, to come in and replace that emotional release (anger) with a positive and healthy energy.” Best advice in that moment for sure. Thank you Cyndy! I will continue repeat this process until the bucket of anger is empty, so that I do not have to dip back in again. A wise and aware person, never lets that bucket fill back up again if they truly are living consciously in the moment, which is what I attempt to do each and every day. So, in closing this thought, I am going to again state that there is absolutely nothing wrong with anger. It’s all how you handle and express it. So again, I want to thank the #FUCKINGDOLTS for bringing to light my RAGE over IGNORANCE! After what I am about to share next I do believe a HUGE piece has been lifted in the last few days and I can now allow more of my divine flow in or step further into my Goddess shoes (or flip flops 😉 as Cyndy also recently suggested.

I arrived back in my beloved hometown late on last Wednesday evening, 9.27. As those of you know who have read my recent blogs, I do not have very fond memories of growing up in WNY and could not wait to get out of here after high school. I woke however on Thursday refreshed and happy to be “grounded again” at least for a short spell, to begin the work of editing over 800 images shot on my recent journey. Mona is also happy to be back with her boyfriend Matix. My sister Mary came out to Clarence to have lunch with us and it was pleasant and relaxing. I bid her a good day and came into the house to find 2 messages on my computer from a friend in my sister Barb’s neighborhood. They simply said “Sue” and then another “Sue.” I can’t explain the feeling that came over me, but I knew it was really NOT good. My mind immediately went to the worst. And my worst was confirmed shortly thereafter a brief phone call with Shannon Maurer, that my sister was indeed deceased. For any of you that knew my sister Barb, you do know that she had basically been a shut in for the last 2 decades, more or less. After the birth of her second son in San Francisco, she started experiencing terrible neurological problems, such as her mind thinking to turn on a light switch and her body not responding. Without elaboration, I will say that her life slowly became hell, that living in her at heaviest 115 lb body became more and more excruciating. So, with great grace, dignity and COURAGE, my sister Barb took her own life at 63 years old on September 28. 2017. She leaves behind 2 wonderful young men in the world with new families of their own. A few years ago when Barb made it common knowledge that she wished to exit her body, she made it very clear that she thought her work was done on the planet in this lifetime, raising her sons so that each had loves in their lives and children either on the way or already here. Unfortunately, she told too many people, myself being one of them, an

Barb on the lower right and sister Mary above at Phyllis DeJohn’s wedding in Atlanta 10.11.86. I do believe that is how Barb would wish to be remembered before vaccine damage rendered her less than. Her Spirit will live on… RIP B from A

d I told someone who called Crisis Services against my adamant plea not to do so crying on my knees in her house. I consider this to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life because my poor sister not only had to endure another 3 plus years in a body that did not serve her, but when they threw her in the hoosegow, (aka as the psych ward – and here is where the RAGE comes in for she was NOT MENTALLY ILL IN THE LEAST!!!) she had a massive seizure and busted up her shoulder requiring major surgery and adding more pain on top of the already existing unbearable… I wish to end here and now without elaborating on how it has effected everyone involved. Nor do I believe any more details are necessary to be expelled here except MY SISTER DID NOT DIE FROM A MENTAL ILLNESSas I am certain the“town that friendship built and gossip destroyed (Barb coined that phrase by the way) would probably like to be reveling in rumor.” LET IT BE KNOWN HERE THAT MY SISTER DIED WITH DIGNITY AND GRACE AND HAD MORE COURAGE TO DO WHAT SHE DID, (DESPITE WHAT OTHERS MAY DEEM COWARDICE) THAN 99% OF THE HUMANS I AM ACQUAINTED WITH WILL EVER HAVE! Unlike what the “Christians” might say that she went to hell for “suicide” I beg to differ. Like a pure-souled animal, she went to the human rainbow bridge, right straight on, not passing GO or collecting $200! She very basically assisted herself out of a body that no longer could house her gregarious Spirit. [ By the way, even if Barb DID have mental health issues, the whole stigma of mental health and suicide is yet another sickness in our Western society that needs to be healed.]

In closing… “I let go of that which no longer serves my highest good.” The gamut of emotions I have experienced during this, definitely one of, if not THE most difficult times of my life, are up at the surface and raw. Boy, have I had my work cut out for me after the last days as anyone would have expect. One of my main points being here is be careful what you ask for, cuz you definitely will get it and you NEVER know what it will look like. And, ALSO, this is NOT about me, but the situation has caused me to WTFU further. This is about my sister Barb who was one of the toughest, outspoken, brilliant, truth-telling, pain-in-the-ass bitches I have ever met, my role model since I was a very young girl. She unfortunately was cast aside by Western medicine and often shrugged off as her illness being “in her head.” SO ~ FUCK YOU Merck Sharp & Dohme Corp for manufacturing a faulty Rubella vaccine and having women either die or wind up in complete paralysis for life as the result of an adverse reaction. My sister was a victim of your faulty vaccine, but unfortunately did not meet the statue of limitations for a law suit from which a nice settlement may have allowed her to live a far more comfortable life away from the climate as a shut in in Hamburg, NY for 25 years. FYI… Merck settled multiple million dollar law suits out of court with gag orders (which to anyone with a brain, admits their obvious guilt.)

RIP Barbara Ann Culig Ruof…

I am writing this in your favorite color, the one you joked about painting Felix when you lived in your beloved San Francisco!!! Without your guidance and love in my life, I would probably be dead or heroine addicted on the streets. I’m very sorry for disappointing you of late. In your honor, I will live my very best life with courage, honesty, integrity, strength and dignity from here on out. When I think I am having a “bad” day, I will say “Fuck it” and invite Mick and the Boys and/or David Lee Roth for dinner. I will not dwell on the petty shit. I will do absolutely everything I thought you wanted me to do or that which you were unable to do in a shitty, shitty, vehicle/body that you absolutely did not deserve. 🙁One of these days, hopefully soon, we can erect the “Church of the Almighty Girlfriend” in your honor. That promise I hope I can keep to you before I too exit this plane of existence. Know though that it already exists without a physical structure 😉

Always with a smile, humor and ultimately classy, even when she was telling someone to “Fuck off.” That was my sister Barb, seen here in one of the last photos I took of her in yard on 9/14/14. As one of her dear friends said, “She could talk like a truck driver, but also sing like a bird. She wasn’t for everyone, but I totally dug her.” So did I, Auntie Phyl, So did I…

To those of you readers who have made it this far, don’t grieve for me. Get ANGRY at Western Medicine for fucking my sister over. And send your most heartfelt sympathies to her sons who no doubt are paralyzed with grief. Thank God they had her as long as they did, because she knew they would be solid and and strong enough to get through it. I am eternally grateful I had as many years as I did with my beloved sister, guide, confident, Spiritual teacher, and over-all INCREDIBLE and BRILLIANT human being. Remember, “Religion is for people who fear Hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there.” ~Unknown

Writing for me is usually spontaneous and inspired by events and/or dreams. It’s as if I wake up one morning and the inspiration is more of a demand. Writing is also very cathartic. For this very reason, I have kept journals most of my adult life. Last time I took to the keyboard to blog was after the Orlando shootings. Granted there have been infinite topics since last year’s entry that should have commanded my derrier to sit in the chair and tap the keys. Maybe I have been speechless? hmmmm… Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows this is highly unlikely because I tend to have a burning necessity to proclaim my truth, to “Speak my mind because it hurts too much to bite my tongue!” Ironically, I am sitting here listening to Chris Cornell’s “Higher Truth” as my fingertips are busy busy. Shall I begin with musings of Chris’ life and death first? Or should it be religion? Or should it be politics? Or should it be awareness? It may all just merge together… round and round she goes… addressing topics people would much rather have their head in the sand about.

CHRIS CORNELL… AND OTHER INSPIRATIONS

There is nothing in my playlist that resembles true “grunge.” There is some Eddie Vedder from the movie “Into the Wild.” That soundtrack was mesmerizing. Eddie’s voice is hypnotic. And I won’t go into depth about what that movie meant to me. Some people think I am crazy for seeing it up to 12 times. Others have accused me of wanting to live like Chris McCandless did. Nah, truthfully, I like my creature comforts way too much! I know many lines from that epic film by heart and scenes for sure. Yes, I know when Chris starts paraphrasing Thoreau, when Rainey jabs at Chris about being an “industrious little fucker” and about the obsession, his desperate NEED to experience being in the middle of the WILD. This is where McCandless and I see eye to eye. There is NOTHING like being in the wilderness without humans to soil the serenity and rawness of it all. The scene in particular that invokes DEEP emotion each time I see it is when Chris is asked by Mr Franz (Hal Holbrook) to be his son as he is finally leaving Southern California to embark on the BIG journey North. A little aside here…back in October of 2011, I ran into Hal Holbrook at Trader Joe’s in Richmond, VA. He was not really trying to be inconspicuous, but it was difficult to recognize him as he was in his “Lincoln” character at the time. As fate would have it, I ended up directly behind him in line. As with other celebrities I have met out in public, I have never been afraid to talk with them as if they are one of us, because most of them really are unless their ego is humongous! I started the interaction with Hal by tapping him gently on the shoulder and telling him that he looked a lot like someone famous from the movies and then I winked 😉 He smiled back and reached out his hand to shake mine. I then proceeded to tell him how taken aback I had been by his role in “Into the Wild.” As the genuine and humble being that I have always assumed he was, he said, “I was completely honored to have been involved with such amazing actors and a genius director in Sean Penn.” I agreed with his assessment of Penn as a director, although when I had met Sean in San Francisco many years earlier, he struck me as a bit of a prick. He’s got a reputation to uphold.

Back to Chris, depression and addiction… There were a few songs of Chris’ that I loved and “Higher Truth” was one of my favs. I also am fond of “Seasons” and “Like A Stone.” Other than those three songs, I hadn’t known much about Chris or his life, career and/or tendencies towards severe depression. I DID know he was sober, but I didn’t know he was taking Ativan. After all, most folks who claim to be “sober” do not take dangerous and highly addictive drugs like Benzodiazepines (Xanax, Klonopin, Ativan, Vallium, Serax) which were developed initially to be used to assist immediately with crippling anxiety attacks, not to be taken in high doses on a daily basis. Those drugs can also be an easy “gateway” back to alcohol. Using both in combination can be lethal. And trying to withdraw suddenly from either can also be lethal. You might ask how I know this?

CO-OCCURRING… MENTAL HEALTH AND ADDICTION

After my mom passed away in April of 2015, I fell into a DEEP depression. I wasn’t working at all and could NOT work. (Many did not understand this and judged me and still do. And right here is my middle finger for them!) This particular period of depression AND anxiety was severe and was definitely not the first time in my life I felt this way. One of the only things I was doing was regularly attending 12 step meetings in my hometown, which most times made me want to drive directly to the store to buy a six pack afterwards. Months went by and I finally succumbed to the constant urge to drink. Depression does that. Isolation does that. Hiding your feelings does that. Your sick mind gives you this great idea that you can escape how horrible you are feeling. Sure, that’s true for a few hours, until you wake up the next morning feeling like suicidal hammered dog shit. I can’t remember when I REALLY lost my sobriety again in 2015, (I’d been at it since March of 2010) but I suspect it was around mid September of ’15. I just remember going to California to pick up Moby the VW van and drinking rather socially there and on the drive back to NY as well. I feel like the relapse could be another blog entirely, but what I will just segue here by saying is that severe depression is not just a “bad attitude,” “negative thinking,” or something that one just get’s over by “pulling ones self up by the bootstraps.” Clinical depression and mental illness are VERY serious diseases that are crippling and debilitating at times. My very close friends who have saved me from intentionally overdosing or jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, know this about me and the disease I have struggled with for many years; having remembered my first major depressive episode around 7 years old. Nonetheless, eventually we will find out exactly what happened with Chris Cornell. For now, I can testify from my own personal use AND abuse of Ativan, (sometimes up to 6 mgs per day) that it is NOT a drug to be messed with. Withdrawal is excruciating at times and often people develop suicidal thoughts or hallucinations and/or both. During my attempted withdrawal while having been in the supervision of someone who knew very little about withdrawal from benzos, it was suggested when my drugs ran out that I should “tough it out” and “buck up and get through it” if I truly wanted to get off of them fast and forever. If that person only knew what it felt like in my skin and in my brain, they never would have said that. I knew abrupt withdrawal was definitely not the way to get off of them, but I certainly wasn’t thinking clearly and attempted to appease the person who’s company I was in. After three days, going from 3 mg down to nothing, I “toughed it out” alright… right to the ER after 3 nights of insomnia, hallucinations, hot and cold sweats, trembling uncontrollably and feeling extremely suicidal. I couldn’t sleep, eat, drive, or see straight. I sobbed hysterically for hours and used an entire box of Kleenex. Everything I EVER felt negatively about myself, my life, my intimate relationships, was playing right in front of my face on an enormous screen in high definition technicolor with surround sound and looping to boot. I also was in danger of a stroke, seizure, heart attack or all 3. Immediately upon arrival, the ER doc gave me a 2mg injection, and supervised me until I was stable enough to leave. They sent me away with an emergency Rx to get “the devil drug” back in my system until I could find help to properly detox from it. My next step which needed to be accomplished rapidly, was to find an outpatient program and a substance abuse/mental health counselor as well as an MD who would help me withdraw, regularly urine test me, and NOT up my dosage each time I asked like my old doctor did. Needless to say, she is not my MD any longer. Someone was definitely watching over me, (mom) because everything I needed for treatment fell right into place in a mere matter of days. During the withdrawal process, it is suggested that one tapers down VERY slowly because the side effects are brutal. Each time I lowered my dose, I felt the agitation, the irritation, the physical side effects of profuse sweating and palpitating heart etc. Breathing deeply works for a spell. Exercise works ok too. Magnesium L-Threonate and 5HTP at bedtime in HIGH doses works a bit for the insomnia which ensues. Each time I lowered my dose, usually by .25 mg a script, I went through “little pergatory” for a spell before feeling somewhat “normal” or stabilized. My Ativan was initially prescribed much like I assume Cornell’s was, to assist in the withdrawal from alcohol and the anxiety and depression that went along with it. The problem is that the drug is HIGHLY addictive and I should never have been taking more than .5 mg and ONLY when I experienced intense anxiety. During that horrific attempted “cold turkey” withdrawal, I could have wound up like Cornell, but I had the help of incredible professionals and a great support system that has very little to do with traditional recovery or the 12 steps to help me get back on track. The 12 steps have saved lots of lives, but the question is… Aren’t they a bit outdated? Same meetings, same literature, same format, same people, same stories looping over and over again… Needless to say, I’m happy to be pursuing a new career in the recovery field and am pleased to see how it is evolving from archaic ideas that once convinced folks that they were powerless and had to surrender to “God” to help kick their addictions, to a new form of EMPOWERING people to NOT be powerless over anything. Sorry to all you AA-ers, but it never worked for me and now I understand exactly why. Maybe it never worked for Chris Cornell either. My hope is that we are moving into a new age of holistic recovery where safe/recovery houses (that charge 1400 per month to share a small room) and traditional rehabs (that are similar to jails, attempting to brainwash both mentally and physically sick souls into wellness in 30 days) are going to be a thing of the past. Could it be possible that we are moving into a new age where mental illness AND addiction are no longer going to be stigmatized or considered illegitimate health issues? They are probably two of the most serious diseases that get shelved time and again because they have to do with our brain’s function. As a woman friend said in a meeting I attended last week, “If I was sitting here telling a room full of strangers that I was recovering from breast cancer, I would get all kinds of sympathy and love. But here I am saying that I have mental health issues and addiction problems and I am potentially open to being publicly scorned!” Point here??? Recovery IS recovery whether it’s from cancer OR mental health issues and/OR addiction. Depression and addiction are both epidemics of insane proportions in our society and country and they are still being largely ignored… THIS MUST CHANGE QUICKLY IF WE ARE TO SAVE LIVES!

onto more of “THE INSANITY OF NOW”

I don’t know what was going on astrologically in the last 48 hours, but some really whacko shit happened yesterday for sure. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a TRUTH seeker in ALL aspects of my life. Religion or “faith” is often a touchy subject, but politics is NOT, nor should it ever be something “private” for one’s decision to vote, and candidate of choice, effect every single one of us as well as the entire world! I believe many who voted for the garbage currently in office are embarrassed to admit any longer that they did. Those who are still defending 45 are either in denial, delusional and/or #foxnewswashed. More on that particular insanity later… On the topic of religion (some call it faith) my deviation from Catholicism and/or Christianity began about 40 years ago during my evening studies to prepare to make my confirmation after I left Catholic grade school. I told my mother that if she sent me to Catholic high school that she would never see me again, that I would run away and NEVER come back. Recollecting as far back to my first communion, I can remember thinking… “Why am I eating this round thing pretending that it is part of someone’s body?” My parents and peers knew I was a smart child, but my rebellion began when I was asked to confirm my belief in THE messiah. Nope, not me… Don’t ask me exactly why, but I just knew in my gut and my heart that I would rather be skipping my religious education classes and toking a spliff with Larry R behind St Bernadettes. My mother didn’t speak to me for 4 months when I pulled out of confirmation. It was the beginning of an earnest Spiritual quest that continues to be an educational journey each and every day. (If you really want to know about my Spiritual beliefs and about “experiencing God” you’ll have to wait for my blog about being in “church” with the Native Americans in a sundown to sunrise teepee peyote ceremony in Oregon in the summer of 1999. It changed my life FOREVER! If I ever doubted there was a spiritual world beyond this one, I absolutely no longer do.) Basically, for the sake of ending this blog and sticking to the point I am trying to make, I believe in the ENERGY of the Universe that responds to our thoughts and actions to create our reality. I believe in karma. I’m not big on the word prayer, but I do believe in positive thought and sending LIGHT to others when they are in need. Call it prayer if you want to, but prayer connotes religion and I simply don’t do an organized one of those. My belief is that the sooner we start taxing churches, the sooner we will be able to provide health care for everybody, which I believe in today’s modern society should be a right, not a privilege.

Here’s the thing with “faith” – believe anything you want in regards to religion/faith, but #1, just be a good person, damnit. Obey the golden rule and please don’t ever tell me that what I believe is bullshit and I will return the favor. I’ve learned to keep my staunch opinions a bit to myself on this ONE topic! 😉 Last but not least, PLEASE don’t ever try to convince me that something you believe is what I should be believing! As I mentioned to a dear, very long time friend last night, we might all have different ways to get to the LIGHT. We might call the LIGHT different things. But in the end, the LIGHT is LOVE and IMO, GOD IS LOVE. Therefore, my religion is LOVE. My religion is KINDNESS. My religion is TRUTH. And just for the record, the flow chart of determining religions posted on my Facebook yesterday was meant for a chuckle. My most sincere apologies if anyone was offended by it.

TRYING TO COVER UP THE TRUTH ISN’T WORKING ANY LONGER

Last night I had a very heated and reactionary debate with someone who I love a lot that told me to “get a life” when I started talking about the 1% and the corruption in our Republic. (BTW folks, we are NOT a Democracy, we are a REPUBLIC that is SUPPOSED to be run in a democratic fashion.) At least that is how our forefathers intended it to be. Anyway, when the topic of 911 came up and it being an inside job, I was accused of being “crazy.” So be it… bat shit crazy for the TRUTH is what I am! Those buildings were ALL detonated on 911 and there are over 2000 engineers world wide who have testified to this, especially building #7! [Google it if you have the nerve to maybe have your mind altered and blown! Here’s a quick video for starters… 911 Truth Video Can Not Be Debunked.] Say whatever you want about my sanity, but I base my views on FACTS and what I feel in my GUT to be TRUE. If you choose to, it’s your prerogative to stay in the dark, listen to the mass media and to our government telling lie after lie… IN MY OPINION, it’s totally your loss to live behind the veil. If ignorance is bliss, then so be it for the one who refuses to ask questions where questions SHOULD be asked. I’d rather know the ugly TRUTH and get pissed off than hide my head in the sand! The war after 911 made a lot of the 1% a hell of a lot more wealthy. Crazy? I don’t think so. Human life over $/oil? Nope, remember that Michael Jackson song, “They Don’t Really Care About Us?” Bingo! that is our government. As the dearly departed George Carlin once said, “QUESTION EVERYTHING!”

Ok, nearing an ending on this one. Reflecting on the last two days, maybe my internal unrest and exterior conflict on this was triggered by watching the miniseries “The People v OJ Simpson – An American Crime Story.” If anyone hasn’t seen it yet, it is gripping and truth telling and spine chilling. Anyone who has known me since childhood knows that I was a huge “Juice” fan when he played for Buffalo. In 1975, my brother-in-law took a beautiful portrait of OJ in the locker room with a nappy head after just removing his helmet. He enlarged it and took it back the next home game for OJ to personally autograph it for me. It was matted and framed and gifted to me on my 11th birthday. It read “to Susie, all my best, OJ Simpson #32.” I still have it packed away somewhere, although I really don’t know why because the knowledge that he got away with BRUTAL murder makes me want to vomit to this day. To have watched my childhood idol and his attorneys lie their asses off and pull a race card to get him off, while somehow being able to sleep at night, reminds me much of what is currently going on in our “government” except on a MUCH larger and horribly corrupt scale. The American people will continue to be victims of the murder of our civil liberties until #WETHEPEOPLE get out there and take this government down. I’m not just talking about impeachment, I am talking about a total 2 party abolishment and a government that WORKS FOR THE PEOPLE, not just the 1%.

OK, off my soapbox now… To answer the looming question, I am still sober and intend to live out the remainder of my life as such and hopefully help others come back from the abyss of mental health issues and addiction. They do go hand in hand 95% of the time. Feel free to leave ANY comments or opinions if you wish. Rest assured “The Insanity of 45” is coming soon 🙂 Namasté