Every single week I look forward to Friday because it means we get the share the voice of a community member. A voice that has her own story. This week brings the voice of someone I consider to be a friend. Tracy of Sellabit Mum is a beautiful, intelligent, wickedly funny woman I had the honor of meeting last year at BlogHer. She is a mom, a fashionista, a skilled photographer, a runner, and she has a heart of gold. And today, she is here, sharing a VERY personal story.

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At 4:45 am on a warm September morning I ran into my neighbors quite by accident. It was a somber and private scene that I wanted to run away from, but that would have made my uninvited presence even more obvious. So I picked up my jogging pace and sped by them making neighborly eye contact with the daughter ducking into the backseat, giving a nod to the mom digging her keys out of her purse, and I watched silently as the dad came out of the house with one suitcase that belonged to the daughter.

One by one the tears started down my face, releasing into a full-fledged sob as I reached my house. And I stopped running and turned back to them, and as they pulled away, I considered stopping them and yelling “WAIT, wait – I want her to know that it does get better!!!”

*******
I wore jeans this week. Size 2 jeans that do fit. I hated them the whole day. The way they touch my skin and pull at my thighs and ride down my muffin top. I can feel the seams along the legs and feel the zipper when it touches my soft stomach.

I’d catch a glance at myself in mirrors all day long and see my large backside accentuated by these jeans, how my thighs were too close together and how the baggy shirt I chose actually looked like a tent over my midsection and now did everyone think I looked pregnant?

I barely ate that day for fear that even eating an apple would add to my ample thigh, and then I realized that my size 2 jeans – while uncomfortable – were actually a brilliant diet aid.

But I hate jeans – the way they touch my body. Give me a swishing, forgiving skirt to hide my womanly shape and all of my flaws. And when I wear jeans I become a horrible mother. I snap at my kids and don’t want to play on the floor. I don’t want to take them places for fear of ridicule and stares at my figure, and I get irritated easily. Damn jeans – a reminder that I have curves and bumps and squishy places and saggy things and they make me angry.
*****
I had an eating disorder in high school. I starved 30 pounds off of myself and when I couldn’t starve any longer I found the beauty that was throwing my food back up, popping laxatives like M&Ms, and learning that diuretics could help you loose a quick 5 pounds.

And while I was basically ‘cured’ by my mid-point in college, no one prepared me for the lifelong illness that this really is. At 43 and the mother of three kids here I am still feeling like that 17-year-old caught simply licking an apple and crying herself to sleep for that sin.

I don’t starve myself or practice any form of bulimia and haven’t for nearly 20 years – but here I stand at a healthy 5’7″ and 122 pounds and I’m still not cured.
*****
So how do I tell her that it will be okay? How do I tell her that yes, you can stop the unhealthy and physically destructing habits, but the mental ones will stay with you just like with any addict. How you will still think about almost everything that enters your mouth, how you will still see only your flaws in the mirror, and how your size 2 jeans will feel uncomfortable and angry at you. Food is a daily requirement for survival and when it’s your ‘drug of choice’ it makes just daily living sometimes painful.

But I can tell her that things got better for me when I became a mother. How I had to give my body completely to my baby when I was pregnant the first time. How selfish the person with the eating disorder is when they watch their body grow with a baby.

And I can tell her that things got better when I had a daughter. How I go to bed nightly praying that my daughters don’t see me glancing in mirrors or trying to hide my flaws. How I teach them to eat healthy and shower them with love, yet how I hope they never find out my secrets. How I hope I’m not the parent at 4:45 am driving my anorexic daughter to a place that can help her because I couldn’t.

But through all of the pain that is living with an eating disorder your entire life, I do want her to know that there is so much joy and hers is a life worth living. I want to tell her to throw away her jeans and look at all of the beauty she is missing while she is staring in the mirror.

I have bad days. I have bad jeans days. I do. But those days have become fewer and fewer as the happy swishy skirt days have taken over. Motherhood has given me a joyful outlook that I never thought possible. I want to raise strong, happy, loving, accepting daughters who will love themselves their whole lives and not travel the road their mother did. These small people have given me so much hope that I never thought was possible.

Motherhood has given me a second chance to see that my physical imperfections are the ones that made it possible to bring a new life into this world. That the squishy parts of me are their favorite parts and I thank them daily for healing my heart.

So I’m yelling down to you now, sweet neighbor: “It does get better. It really does. It will never, ever be the same, but it does get better once you can share just a little bit of your heart with someone else.”

Oh Tracy..first as a member of JBE..thank you so much for coming forward with this story, for sharing all these emotions and revealing the harsh truth behind them. It can’t be easy, but your words are going to reach and touch women all over the world today and that will be worth it..I promise you.

I have never had an eating disorder, but I have a few very close and treasured friends who had. One who was in and out and in (and out) of rehab for it and each time all I could do was pray that she came home, that I didn’t lose her to the monster in her head.

I am not always happy with my body, being a size 2 would be ..well it would be amazing…but I think that for all of there is always that “you don’t know how lucky you are” and honestly it’s a stupid thing to say and a freaking selfish thing to say. I will NOT say it to you and I will not tell you you’re beautiful and perfect and wonderful…you are and you should know that is how I feel about you. Instead I will say..that I’m sorry that you have this monster and that if I could I would slay him for you , I would kick and beat him down so that your reflection in the mirror showed you what I see…what this WORLD sees.

You are a better mother because of this and your devotion to your girls…your acceptance of who you are is a gift to them and us.

I have so much respect and love for you…even more so now.

(and I long to do the same thing with my own demons…to tell girls of domestic abuse and sexual abuse that you can get past it and love your body…you can love yourself and not live in that past of seeking acceptance and feeling unworthy…maybe finally after seeing you write this I can write my story too)

You can come slay my monster anytime. It is just knowing that I have friends like you that make the days so much better and the monster stays away. I love you. xoxotracy@sellabitmum recently posted..Mom

Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us. I identify with it in so many ways, Tracy, as I’m sure many others do. It is a lifelong struggle– you’re right– and we don’t often discuss that part of eating disorders in adolescence.
I’ll be sharing this post!ML@My3LittleBirds recently posted..The Binky Fairy is My New Hero

Anorexia is linked to depression and anxiety – the need to control. Sometimes, controlling your body is the ONLY thing a person can control in life.
Your neighbor is lucky, cognitive behaviour therapy is a highly recommended ‘treatment’ for eating disorders. But I don’t know if the ‘monster in your mind’ ever goes away.
At 5’3″ I’ve been 200 pounds and 113 pounds, and every thing in between. I’ve also not eaten, lived on a very restricted diet, and over exercised. Now I live a life with no bathroom scale and no full length mirrors. I buy clothes that fit and feel good on my body, I don’t look at size. My life is full with three wonderful children and a husband who tells me I’m beautiful (I don’t believe him, but am happy to hear it anyway).
I think if you can shut the door on the monster in your mind other doors are opened, but I’m not sure if that monster ever goes away. I wish everyone battling the monster the best of luck in this struggle.Angela recently posted..C is for Hell – Post Caesarean Section Blues

Tracy,
I think you already know this but I was an active Bulimarexic from the ages of 17-25. It is a lifelong, day by day recovery but like alcoholism, our disease is always a part of us lurking right beneath the surface. Stay strong. I also have been cursed with body dysmorphic disorder since the age of twelve. This will never be cured and my doctors have told me for many years that I can not trust how I see myself in the mirror:( having my daughters has made me try my best not to pass along this way of thinking, this way of living. It’s hard every day to pretend to be okay when I hate everything about my body.With recent events, I hate it even more so. I feel betrayed and let down by my body. But I am thankful that this body that I detest was also the same one that produced my two beautiful daughters . Our issues may remain always but we are strong enough for our girls to help them to see the beauty in their bodies even when we can not see it in our own . Hugs to you, my dear friend. I am here if you ever want/ need to talk!Debi( @ truthfulmommy ) recently posted..All I Can Do is Cry

Tracy
What a wonderful and courageous post. I went through an anorexic phase in high school for about six months. I somehow pulled myself out of it by myself. But, I always say that once and anorexic always an anorexic. Even if you are a healthy weight and eat in a healthy way, the body images never completely go away. I always see myself as heavy. I always see the fat not the thin. It’s a perceptual problem. So, I try to minimize how much I look in the mirror.
Thanks for this.Jen recently posted..Take Two Llamas And Call Me In The Morning

Oh Tracy, how brave of you to share your story. While I have not had an eating disorder, I have grown up the child of a mother on the other end of the spectrum. A lifetime of diets, overindulgence and guilt for consumption could have led me to mimic her behaviors, but instead for some reason, I have not. I don’t know if it was intrinsic or the support of those around me, but I know how easy it could have been me.
Thank you.Jackie recently posted..Tiger Mom in Training

Thank you so much for sharing this here. It can’t have been an easy post to write.

It would be unfair to people like you to say I ever had an eating disorder, but I will say I have gone through periods of disordered eating, and I understand so much how my mood can be determined by how I feel about my body (which is never particularly great, to be honest.)

Having a daughter has made me acutely aware of how and what I want to teach her about our bodies, and I am trying so hard to help steer her away from the issues I’ve had.

I will tell you you’re beautiful, though I know that doesn’t change how you feel about what you see when you look in the mirror. But your beauty is so much more than your body (though you are smokin’!) It’s in the way you smile and follow your heart and find goodness and humor all around you.

Sending ((hugs)) and thanking you for sharing your/my story. Now that I too, have a daughter I hope & pray that she never has to experience what I went through and sometimes still struggle with. Wonderful, heartfelt, and emotional post. Kate recently posted..Gratitude on Mother’s Day

Much love Tracy. Thank you for sharing so openly. It is a lifelong recovery, I know. I think you might have just given me the courage to write about my own battle one day. You touched my heart with this post. xoxoDelilah recently posted..Bits ‘n Pieces

Oh, Tracy. Thank you for “outing” this! How do you tell your kids they are perfect when you feel like the most unperfect person every day? I know that outside compliments don’t count (if you’re anything like me, and judging by this post we are peas in a pod), but I wanted you to know you ARE beautiful

You are so brave and real. I’m so glad I found your blog and want you to know how moving this was. Having just come off reading your mother’s day post, I’m especially struck by why you were crying when you were running. Not just for the daughter, but the parents as well. I am certain in my bones that your post will help so many struggling women.Jessica recently posted..Tortilla Success

I know you think it’s private, but I think if I were a mother, struggling with the unknown and self blame of a child in that situation, I would welcome a kind, caring call.Alexandra recently posted..Best Diet In The World

Oh Tracy. How brave of you. I’ll say what a couple of others have said, but THANK YOU for sharing your story HERE on Just Be Enough. I KNOW you will help people with this post. And that’s so much what Just Be Enough is about – helping people.

I’ve said it to you before, but your girls are the luckiest girls in the world to have you as their mother. And we are lucky to know you and learn from you.

Thank you for your honesty and bravery. As a person whose issues are on the other side of the spectrum, I’d look at you and think “She has it all together, she’s never had an issue” – even if it wasn’t a conscious thought, subconsciously seeing you would remind me of what I mess I am. Just another reminder that we can never tell what’s going on with a person beneath the surface. Much love to you.

but once I ran into an old friend who had put on weight (as had I) and I realized when I hugged her how nice it felt to hug a soft body instead of a bony one. It made me wonder if I’m being too hard on myself.Lady Jennie recently posted..I Have a Stalker

This comment made me swoon. Funny, after I had Eloise I had a very hard time soothing her. She never felt quite right on my bony lap or in my thin arms. She would struggle to find a spot…but then my step-mom would come over and just lay Eloise on her soft shoulder and arms and Eloise would immediately settle. xoxotracy@sellabitmum recently posted..Mom

I can’t even write because I am crying so hard. My goodness, Tracy! You poured your heart and soul and all of your 5’7″, 122 body into this post. This should be shared and shouted from the rooftops. I know I haven’t been following your blog for long but on day one when I landed there, you and your girls had a piece of my heart. Today, that piece just got a lot better. You are an amazing mother but you are an amazing woman too! xoKristen recently posted..The Tail of Two Lobsters (Pun Intented)

I kinda wish we were sitting side by side on a sofa, drinking coffee and just hanging out. Because you are a very real person and I love you, no matter what struggles you endure.liz recently posted..My Loves

I don’t know quite what to say but I know your words have touched me, I hope all is well with that neighbour’s daughter and well done on making it to such a strong, healthy place both mentally and physically, the journey isn’t easy I know. Thank you. idiosyncraticeye recently posted..Commentary to Yesterday’s Back Story

The next time you see her or her mother, I want you to clasp her hands within yours and say simply, “It does get better.” People need to hear it. You need to remind yourself of it, and you’ve done a wonderful job of just that here, Tracy.Arnebya recently posted..Mothers and Daughters: A Review of You Have No Idea

I am writing this through tears and so very much want to hug you right now. As a person who “gets it”. I too suffered for years and still struggle with anorexia. Anytime I don’t feel in control a little voice inside my head says you can be, if you just take control over food. It’s been hard, and like you said you never FULLY get over it. It gets better, but it’s still there. In the dressing room when I try on the those damn jeans or god forbid a bathing suit. Ironically, people comment on how skinny I am, which makes me cringe, because it triggers that bad part of my brain the one that wants to take it one step further…just to see how much more I could lose. Also, it makes me mad because I don’t want to define myself by my weight, but my accomplishments…like competing in triathlons and being a healthy role model for my sons. I too want to tell that girl driving away that you will get through this, and that SHE is stronger than those terrible thoughts in her head. So glad I read this today. Brook recently posted..A {Poop} Sound Bytes of the Week

Beautiful post! We try to look our best, but it is a slippery slope! Moderation turns into preoccupation. A few weeks ago, I wanted to cancel dinner plans because I had been eating junk all week and wanted to get back on routine. A friend stopped me in my tracks and pointed out that moderation doesn’t mean stop living. Thank you for the reminder. Thank you for your courage.Paige Morgan recently posted..A Mother’s Day Drinking Song

Tracy, this is so brave. And I’m so glad you shared because so many will relate and feel less alone because of your story. Thank you so much for sharing this with us here. xoRobin | Farewell Stranger recently posted..Let’s Talk About Something Else

What an amazing message to share with young girls. I grew up with a girl that suffered from anorexia and never truly understood what she was going through.
Honest and heartfelt. Good for you for sharing.Susan recently posted..Friday Fancies :: Color Crush

For those of you that suffer with this I want you to know that as Tracy’s mother I am so blessed Tracy lived through this time! It was a very scary times as a parent. Now you have a beautiful family and you are a wonderful daughter and mother. Happy mother’s day to my precious daughter. Love mom

I really love your for sharing this in such an open and honest way (and that your mom commented right before me). You are a powerful storyteller my friend. I identify with many parts of your post and have struggled with disordered eating/body image. I think that it really hit home for me Freshman year in college when I realized that friends of mine thought that I was leaving the room to go purge. I can only thank them for making me realize that how I was acting and thinking really wasn’t healthy. xoxoChristine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted..FITNESS Magazine Meet & Tweet

Oh, my friend. I am so sorry you’ve has these struggles. It can be so hard. I’ve been on a dirt my entire adult life, since about 16 years old, and I’m almost nexer happy with my body or my size. Thank you for this post and for your honesty, xoxoLoukia recently posted..Very Thankful, Indeed

I love the message. I somehow missed this post on Friday, I usually check the site everyday. I don’t have and eating disorder, but I recently started treatment for anxiety and depression. But the last few days have been a bad slide. I reached out to my doctor and hopefully this adjustment will help in the next couple of day, but it was perfect timing to hear that it does get better.Corey Feldman recently posted..Faith – existential turning point – Depression & Anxiety

A brave post, Tracy. I think it’s important because while you write about an eating disorder, it touches on themes that many of us face…letting our skewed self-perception get the best of us sometimes, hating ourselves for things that shouldn’t matter. I have come to loathe jeans. I need to buy some more forgiving skirts and just be ok with it. Thank you for a message I needed to hear today. XoGigi recently posted..Cute Clothes: My Favorite Things