Spanx You Very Much!

Yesterday I had a funny post on the facebook page for this blog. Kari said “So, I’ve decided that getting into Spanx right after a shower should count towards my daily workout. :)” It got me thinking about some of the Spanx incidents in my life.

After I had my first C-section and had to go back to work every day, I purchased some high waisted granny-panty control-type thingies. I wore them every day over my underwear. Then one day I stopped wearing them. I live in Florida. I was in sales, and it’s really fucking hot to wear a non-breathable nylon tourniquet thingy. Plus, they started to roll down and I would be pulling up these things all the time.

Since I became heavy, I stopped wearing dresses. Why? Chub Rub . My inner thighs rub together, and get sweaty (Florida, people!) and….eew, the last thing I need is a rash on top of those fucking shaving bumps I already have. So If I want to wear a dress, I need something underneath. Pantyhose are OK, but again….Florida! I wear open toed shoes! What slims you, doesn’t add bulk and prevents chub rub? Spanx.

So I went to purchase some Spanx. I took them into the dressing room to try them on. I grabbed all kinds. The first thing I did was try on some high waisted briefs. I struggled and pulled, tugged and jumped. Now I was getting sweaty, making it even harder to get them on. I knew they were the right size! But fuck…now this big roll of elastic was wedged right over the widest part of my thigh….digging into me, bruising my cellulite ridden thighs. Finally I got the fucker up, and the crotch was still down between my knees. WHAT. THE. FUCK? At this point the sweat was just dripping from my underboob area (c’mon ladies, tell me you don’t sweat there?) and I suddenly realized I had to try to get these fucking things off me. So I try to pull it down, and it won’t budge. Before I start screaming into Macy’s for help and some butter, I sat down and calmly read in the fitting room while I cooled down. When I finally got those things off, I swore, “never again”.

I have a short memory.

Maxi dresses were so big last year. I had to get a few. So here it is, the night of my birthday, and I wanted to wear my new dress. I pulled out an old shaper I had that was like a bike short. After a small struggle, I got the thing up and slid on my dress. I thought I looked great and was so excited to go out. Until I got to the restaurant and sat down. Phftht….The waistline rolled down and is digging into my c-section scar causing me to see stars. I want to fix it, and I’m trying to under the table, but really, I looked like a little kid that had to pee. I finally got it rolled back up when I reached for my drink…phftht...there it goes again. I’ve had enough! So I get up to go to the bathroom to remove them and of course, I don’t have a big bag with me that night. I actually stuck them under my dress and ran them out to the car. By the time I got back from my short walk, chub rub set in.

The last time I wore one was for a Bar Mitzvah. This time I got smart and got the high waisted one. It goes right up to your bra. This one won’t roll down, right? Well no. But when it started to slip down it made my lovely back boobies two cup sizes larger, bulging between my bra strap and the Spanx (now I get why they make the ones with straps–but they would have shown). When I realized I had to pee….thankfully there was a hole! Lets put it this way…drunk peeing through a Spanx hole while trying not to touch a seat? Don’t try this at home.

Another problem with Spanx is one I thankfully don’t have to deal with. The unveiling. So what do you single girls do? You look amazing with your sausage casing under your clothes, but what happens when things start getting frisky? There is nothing sexy about Spanx, and removing them is even harder than getting them on. Plus all the indents and marks left over from them…not sexy.

Plus there is the “lying” factor. But fuck that…clothes, makeup…if it makes you feel better about yourself, do it.

I have to mention one more ick factor of Spanx. Nylon does not breathe ladies! Are you wondering why you get recurrent vag problems? Take a look at your undergarments and make sure your vajayjay can breathe.

I just told my husband about this post, and he said “Remember that time your pants slid down from them and you didn’t notice?” Uuuummmm…..no, I must have blocked that particular Spanxident out.

So what about you? Have you had any “Spanxidents?” (Accidents involving Spanx). Do you love them? Hate them? Are they a necessary evil?

Comments

This is fucking hysterical. Have you ever seen Melissa McCarthy’s interview on The Ellen Degeneres show? She tells a story about a spanxident that cracked me up! Luckily, I haven’t had any major issues with my Spanx, other than to get the fucking things on and off. The chick that invented them is brilliant – though she’s super skinny and most likely can’t relate to chub rub. But I totally thank her for allowing me look at least a size smaller and my boobs look a size bigger. On a side note, though there is totally nothing sexy about Spanx, the hubs finds the hole convenient. (My sister probably vomited a little just now) LOL!

Good lord woman, this post had me cracking up while my kids were trying to figure out what was wrong with their mom!!! I do the tank top version of Spanxs, and while it’s winter here now, those suckers are NOT okay to wear in the summer. Holy sweating! And the rolling up of the tank from my jeans…I’m always “adjusting” myself, kinda like men do, but in different areas. Thanks for the laugh this morning. I’ve been following your book blog, and just came across this one last night. You do a great job with both!

I hate Spanx or any type of control garments…all they do is make my small rolls look like one HUGE roll. Smooth me out, yeah right. This is why I wear low cut shirts…if ppl are too busy looking at my cleavage, they arent looking at my rolls 😉

I’ve never tried the actual Spanx brand, but I have one of the tanks from Victoria’s secret that’s supposed to lift and smooth. I have a bit of a pooch (too mine beer) and I swear it made it look bigger! And I had the constant roll problem in my pants from it. I only wore it a few times before it ended up in the abyss of my closet somewhere, never to be worn again.

Oh man this just made me laugh burning sunscreen tears into my eyes. Totally had my fair share of spanxidents over the years! AND I have the c-section shelf pooch (2 c-sections and a hysterectomy). Looks so gross in jeans. I actually daydream about hacking the damn thing off with a kitchen knife (I’m not crazy and will never do this) but I may just invest in a professional to hack the damn thing off one day!

Trackbacks

[…] “There are a few things in my life that you’d have to pry from my cold, dead fingers before they were ever taken from me. The first thing is my Spanx. Which, in my opinion, are the best man-maid contraptions ever, better than electricity or chocolate. The creators of these life changing pieces of cloth should be put on a pedestal for all of the chubby girls in the world to worship. Spanx, the body shaping devices of the fatty girl world…I bow down to you” (See my post about Spanx here) […]

[…] And if I wear a high waisted one, it defeats the whole purpose of wearing a dress: cool comfort. (See my post about Spanx and “Spanxidents”). I wish I could find some that are mostly cotton with a bit of shaping that don’t roll […]

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I’m Ana. I’m always cheating on a diet. I gain weight preparing to “start on Monday”, but I rarely get past Tuesday. Every time I lose weight, I gain it back with interest. My closet ranges from a size 12 to a size 20. I’m a chronic reader and a book blogger at Ana’s Attic Book Blog. I’m married forever to a skinny guy, with a 20-year-old (not at home) and a 13-year-old. I hate cooking (except baking treats), cleaning and basically anything besides sitting on my ass and reading or going to my kids’ activities. I’m the queen of procrastination!

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