Love is a finite pool fed by the waters of your shitty opinion about your ass, which definitely looks fat in that. Fatter than hers, anyway, and also less bubbly. And way, way more wobbly. Come to think of it, you should never ever wear jeans again. Basically, you suck.

As for the sex bit, overthink that too, and be enthusiastic about it, for godsakes. Roll around in the tears of your self-pity until you feel so insecure that you can’t even land one date, let alone maintain a fraudulent poly relationship. The only reason your partner is poly anyway is because she wants to dump you. That problem is easily solved by calling her every 30 minutes to propose marriage. Sending a singing telegram can’t hurt either. In fact, hack into her social media accounts and Photoshop yourself into all her pictures right this second. She’ll soon see sense.

If you truly love someone, constantly cleave to their left leg like an overconfident jellyfish. This is the monogamist at her most tempting: clingy, needy, and very, very sexy, exactly like Angelina Jolie.