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Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

You know how you discuss your uterus at work?

Yeah, I didn’t think that happened. Unless you work in a gynecology office or in porn or for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas (Aw snap! Clarence Thomas jokes are soooooo 1991. Better rinse off that Coke can).

But I talked about my uterus at work, or at least I answered questions about it. It seemed odd at the time…mainly because it is completely #$!%^*^!%$ odd.

Here’s what happened:

Another coworker is pregnant with her first child. Since I’m not a hoarder nor planning on having anymore children apart from the one, I am giving her a ton of my old baby items that my 19-month-old no longer uses. She is very grateful cuz that sh*t’s expensive and you use it for about 5 minutes. She is not the problem.

Before a work meeting began, I let her know that I had some bottles, a sterilizer and a feeding chair in my car.

Won’t you need those for your second child? asks someone else very appropriately since my childbearing decisions clearly affect her and I was including her in the conversation by not addressing her in the slightest. Uh…no, I answer. This is a really good time to have a second child.

At this point, I am really enjoying the direction this conversation is headed…probably in the same way single people enjoy being asked when they will get married, childless married couples when they will have children and the elderly when they will die.

Oh, I’m just having the one, I breezily say and continue my conversation with my pregnant friend.

You can’t let your son be an only child, chimes in another coworker.

Um….I can’t do what now?

He’ll be lonely.

Yes, my daughter and son are best friends, says the other.

Have I suddenly become a character in an after-school special about peer pressure? Hey man, everyone’s having second babies. You don’t wanna be a loser, dawg.

That’s sweet. My brother used to kick me so hard, he’d knocked the wind out of me. I’m good with the one.

It’s really much easier with the second one. You don’t even notice it.

Really? I don’t really notice another human being completely and utterly dependent upon me for his or her survival? Alright then, let’s get with the babymaking.

There are many reasons why I’m only having one child. These are reasons that I’m not completely comfortable discussing with people I work with but barely know at all..especially at the start of a work meeting.

Since these questions will likely continue until I reach a certain age, I need to come up with a better response than “uhhhhhhhh.”

1. I would LOVE to have another baby!!!! With your husband! And you videotaping it!

2. Your question just gave me menopause.

3. It’s weird. After the first baby, my uterus packed its suitcase and up and left without even leaving a note.

4. The satanic cult said they only needed the one.

5. I suffer from adult baby syndrome. My doctor said I would need to give birth to an adult to take care of me.

6. Oh, so you want to know about my husband and my lovemaking sessions? Great! I’ve been waiting to tell you about them for like, ever. First we light all of our Paula Deen Crisco-scented candles until our living room smells like the midway at a state fair. Then my husband lets the gimp and monkey out of the cellar. While the gimp teaches the monkey to whistle Nelly’s “It’s Getting Hot in Here,” my husband begins to cut pieces of his clothing off and stuff them into his mouth. By this point I’m done eating the peanut butter sandwich I’ve made in the kitchen and become part of the quartet as the monkey begins spinning like a whirling dervish….wait, where are you going?

7. Oh see the psychic told me my next child would ask completely inappropriate personal questions of work acquaintances and I didn’t want to inflict that on anyone.

YESSSSS! I get the ALL the time too! Drives me crazy. I usually just say, “we aren’t able to have any more” They don’t ask any more questions because they just assume it is a physical problem when in actuality its a mental/sanity issue. I like staying sane and I know another child would put that in jeapordy. That being said, I vote for 7… and I just may use it from now on!

Some people are so tactless. I’ve got a 4 year age gap between my boys, and I can assure you that it wasn’t “planned”. In fact, my husband and I had just made the absolutely permanent and irrevocable decision that we weren’y having a second child when I discovered that I was 14 weeks pregnant. (Not joking.)

But from the time my eldest was about 2 years old, random strangers would ask me when I was going to give him a little brother or sister. All the time. In the end, I resorted to saying, “I’d love to, but I’m…” and then pretending to burst into tears and run off. (Joking. Although I wish I wasn’t.)

No way to win. When I told a relative years ago that we were planning on three, I was referred to as a baby-machine. The appropriate response is to ask the questioner exactly how many kids they feel it is appropriate for you to have. And how you should feed them. And whether or not you should return to work afterwards. And what religion you should raise them to be.

NUMBER 7. That one rules. It’s like totally passive-aggressive and the dumbasses probably wouldn’t even get it. You could always tell them you’ve been court-ordered to never have another child. Make ’em wonder.

No. 7. Oh yes, for the above reasons and because, Gawd, I’d love to see the expression on their faces. I relate. I have only one child. As such, she had advantages she would otherwise not have had. Now she has grown up to be absolutely everything I could ever hope for. Stick to your guns. No matter what you do there’s going to some pompous ass questioning your choices.

When I told my neighbor that I didn’t plan to have a third child, she replied, “Well, we just didn’t feel like our family was COMPLETE with two children, so we had to have another one.” She said this in front of her obviously deficient #1 and #2.

I’m torn, but I think my final answer must be #7.
One month after my wedding, I walked in the door to my husband’s family Thanksgiving dinner. Before I could even say hello, his uncle asked me why I wasn’t pregnant yet. I said I would have a baby when I was sure I wouldn’t eat my own young.