Category Archives: Doubt

They had me at “hum.” I mean, who could resist these whimsical winged wonders as they dipped and sipped at the hummingbird feeder on my parents’ desert patio? I was fascinated by their flight, mesmerized by their movements and captivated by their colors. They reminded me of miniature hovering helicopters as they swooped in for a quick bite to eat. My favorite was a male who was draped in neon purple. I christened him “Royal.”

I was smitten.

Apparently, I’m not the first. Hummingbirds have a long list of admirers dating back centuries. The Aztecs called them “reviving birds,” observing their amazing ability to slow their metabolism almost to death, only to “come back to life.” Christopher Columbus, upon arrival in the New World, remarked of “little birds, so different from ours, it is a marvel.” Captain John Smith dubbed them “humbirds,” and described them as “one of the wonders of the (country).”*

My newfound obsession with these agile little aviators inspired me to purchase my own feeder. Only I soon learned that attracting a hummingbird in Wyoming would not be easy. We live on the western edge of their habitat, and only three types of hummingbirds are found in this region.** In our 20+ years here I had only encountered ONE hummingbird.

Undaunted by these intimidating facts, I requested my mom’s sugar syrup recipe, and in faith, filled my cute mason jar feeder. I hung it on a shepherd’s hook outside the kitchen window and asked God to please send me a hummingbird. Then I watched, and waited.

Three weeks passed. As far as I could tell, our hummingbird diner had not served a single customer. Initially I changed the water every few days as instructed. But as the days turned into weeks, I was less diligent. I began to lose faith. My husband expressed doubt that there were even hummers to be had.

The last week of May, we celebrated our youngest daughter’s high school graduation with family and friends. In all the commotion, I completely neglected the hummingbird feeder. The day after graduation, as I sipped my morning tea at the kitchen table, I noticed the stale water in the untouched feeder. Sigh. I felt discouraged and defeated in my hummingbird quest. Maybe Chris was right after all.

Then unexpectedly, fresh faith bubbled up in my heart, like the sticky syrup when I’d refill the feeder. I recalled the many sweet gifts God had so graciously given me over the years, and how I’d come to know Him as a good Father who loves to delight His children. I’d walked with Him long enough to know He could certainly do it again.

So I mustered a mustard seed of faith and prayed:

Lord, I believe You will send me a hummingbird. Just because I asked. And because that’s just the way You are.

An hour or so later, my parents arrived at the house. When they entered the kitchen, my mom excitedly exclaimed, “Look! A hummingbird!” Sure enough, there she was–a very ordinary-looking, brown, female hummingbird sticking her pointed beak into the metallic red flowers around the base of the feeder! God had answered my prayer! We all gathered around, enjoying the shared moment and celebrating her much-anticipated arrival.

Everyone, that is, except Chris. He was at work that morning. Later, he listened skeptically as we recounted the tale of our tiny backyard visitor. Unconvinced, he wondered if we had instead witnessed a hummingbird moth, commonly mistaken for a hummingbird. We googled images to compare. I was pretty sure we had seen a humming bird. But “Doubting Chris” was putting doubts in my mind.

A week later, Chris and I were sharing a quiet meal at the kitchen table. He happened to glance up from his plate to spy the female hummingbird hovering at the feeder! She had returned! This was no imposter, and Chris was no longer an agnostic! A few days later, he even spotted the male, with his iridescent emerald head. I am now happily married to a Believer!

The advent of these tiny birds brought some not-so-tiny take-aways:

We can ask God for anything. Even a hummingbird!

When we ask, the answer may delay. Others may discourage us. Doubt may come.

Even if we doubt, God is gracious and patient with us. Just like He was with Thomas. And Chris! (And me!)

Keep watching and waiting. The answer may be only a hummingbird’s breadth away!

God’s answers are even sweeter when shared with others. That’s why I’m sharing this story with you!

So what will YOU ask your Heavenly Father for today? Step out in faith. He loves you. Let Him surprise and delight you as only HE can!

Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it! (John 14:14, NLT)

Now Thomas (also known as Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.” A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!”Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” (John 20:24-29, NIV)

Note: See my blog post from April 2016 for more biblical perspectives on Prayer!

I was weary and discouraged. A couple of very difficult appointments with clients at the pregnancy center where I work had left me questioning my abilities and doubting my adequacy. I felt like a failure. I wanted to quit.

But I had a Bible study to prepare for that evening. Flipping through the pages of my workbook, I spotted the photograph. Thoughtful Geraldine had excitedly given it to me before the start of our study the previous week. It was a picture of a sunset over the Sea of Galilee in Israel, with a short poem printed below. She knew I had traveled to the Holy Land and thought of me when she saw it. I didn’t have time to look closely at it just then, so I tucked it between the pages of my workbook and promptly forgot about it.

Until now.

I picked up the photograph and slipped on my reading glasses to examine it more carefully. The sun, setting behind the Galilean hills, was in the shape of a Star of David.

This was the text of the simple poem that followed:

Star of David on GalileeJesus walked on this very seaHe called to Peter, step out and believeOur eyes on Him and we receive.He calls us now through Holy SpiritFor those with hearts and ears to hear it.God Almighty, Creator of allNo prayer too big, no prayer too small.So step out of your boat, you're not aloneYour miracle awaits, sent from the throne.*

Geraldine didn’t know that the story of Peter walking on the water with Jesus was special to me. But God knew. He had used this very story to lead me to accept the very position I had taken at work. Geraldine had no idea that a week later I would need confirmation that the Lord was still with me in the midst of a storm. But God knew.

It was as if He had sent this photograph into the future for me to find at the exact moment I needed it.

He knew I would recognize His voice speaking through this little poem, reminding me that HE was the One who called me out upon the water, that great unknown where feet may fail. (He had also used these very lyrics, from the song “Oceans,” to confirm His call when I took the job.) He knew I would see Him in this beautiful photograph of the very waters upon which Peter walked, and the shores upon which I had stood.

The truth is, I had actually begun to enjoy being out on the water with Jesus, preferring my exhilarating adventures with Him to the safe confines of the boat. Until like Peter, I took my eyes off of Him and placed them on myself–my inabilities, my inadequacies–and on the cresting waves around me. Next thing you know I’m panicking, thrashing, and coughing up sea water.

He came for me that morning in a poem and a photograph, and pulled me close, dripping and sputtering. He gently informed me that it was never about me. He pointed out that the storm didn’t actually stop until He and Peter returned to the boat.** And He patiently instructed me that He alone will determine when our walk on the water is over and it’s time to step back into the boat.

Who is this, that even the winds and waves obey Him? Who exists outside of time, sees our future needs and makes preparation for them? Who defies the laws of nature, walks on water and invites us to do the same? Who comes to our merciful rescue when we forget that apart from Him we can do nothing?

Jesus.

Amazing Jesus.

For Reflection: Where are you in your journey with Jesus? In the boat? Out on the water? Going under? Wherever you find yourself today, He is there too. He knows exactly what you need. Just “step out and believe.”

Watch this video of “Oceans,” filmed on the Sea of Galilee, and be encouraged!

(Are you sure it’s not April Fool’s Day? Because you could’ve fooled me.)

Around here the First Day of Spring is just a date on a calendar. No daffodil or robin sightings in these parts yet. The hills are still clothed in muted shades of brown and the branches hang as bare as empty closet rods. The First Day of Spring could be more aptly named The 91st Day of Winter.

I must be a skeptic at heart, because every year about this time I catch myself wondering if spring will really come. Everything just looks so dead, dry, lifeless. How is it possible to transform this barren landscape into something vibrant and alive?

When spring tarries, doubt multiplies.

I’m like this in life too. I scan the horizon and see bleak situations. Cold hearts. Lifeless marriages. And I wonder.

How? Is it even possible, Lord?

Then a bud appears. And another. The grand green carpet is rolled out once again. Spring shows up, surprising us, delighting us.

Although the wind is still whipping and whirling unrestrained around him, a strange stillness has suddenly settled within. For there, on the water, he sees the One whom his soul loves.

It is the Lord. Their eyes meet.

His heart leaps at the thought of being near this One whose very presence presses peace into all that surrounds Him. And there is that familiar twinkle in the Master’s eyes as His hand beckons him to join Him.

Warmth floods his body as he responds, compelled, drawn, unaware of the murmurings of his companions in the boat behind.

Their gaze is unbroken and the moment seems timeless as he approaches…

Until, for an unexplained instant, he looks away.

A wave of fear engulfs him and he is now painfully aware of his vulnerability and the absolute absurdity of his position. The water begins to close in around him. As he’s going under he manages a muffled cry to the One who had so captivated his attention just moments ago.

He is there. His strong arm reaches down and pulls the dripping, shivering figure close.

“Oh, you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

It might have been a stinging rebuke had not that twinkle still been shining in those loving eyes.

And together they return to the boat.

(Note: I wrote this way back in 1989(!), and thought I would share since my post yesterday reminded me of it. It was one of those special times when I felt the Lord allowed me a behind-the-scenes glimpse of Scripture.)

I had a “Job” moment last night. You know, one of those “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?” kind of moments. The kind where we question God. And God silences us.

I had come across this very thought provoking quote by Beth Moore:

“Fear is an emotional outburst of unbelief.”

Go ahead and read that again. I know I had to. I wondered. If fear has its roots in unbelief, then what about God am I not believing? What am I doubting about Him, His character, His activity in the world and in my life?

I decided to be honest about the things I sometimes think about God, but don’t often voice because they look so ugly out in the open. I timidly peeled back the layers of spiritual correctness I hid them behind.

The “conversation” that followed went something like this. (My words are in italics. God’s words are in bold. Words in quotes are Scripture.)

I don’t believe You are still in control of this fallen world. It looks to me like sin messed things up too badly.

I don’t believe You can be trusted when You say You will protect us and that no harm will come to us. Because harm DOES come. People get sick and die. Soldiers don’t come home alive.

I don’t believe that Your good and perfect plan should involve pain and suffering.

Neither did Peter and the disciples. Boy, were they surprised…

Peter: “This shall never happen to You, Lord!”

Jesus: “Get behind me, Satan.” (Matthew 16:22)

The belief that bad things should never happen to good people is a lie from Satan.

And I have believed it.

“You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God’s.” (Matthew 16:23)

It’s true. I am so focused on the here and now. You see the Big Picture.

I wasn’t quite ready to give up yet.

“If You are really God, then why don’t You prove it by…?”

This was the essence of Satan’s temptation of Jesus in Matthew 4 and what I realized was at the heart of my doubt.

Oh, I could. But even if I don’t, I am still God.

Then He repeated what He said when Peter was trying to intervene (again) on the night of His arrest:

“Do you think I cannot call on my Father and He will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?” (Matthew 26:53)

Oh, I can alright.

“But if I did, how then will the Scriptures be fulfilled, which say that it must happen this way?” (v. 54)

I took one more swing.

But God, YOU wrote the Scriptures! You wrote the script! You could have written it any way You wanted!

WAS there any other way?

I thought for a moment before raising the white flag.

No. There was no other way. Your ways are not my ways.

“No one (took my life) from Me but I (laid) it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and I have authority to take it up again.”(John 10:18)

I was the One in control, even when it appeared things were out of control. I am still the One in control. Just because I don’t act in the way you think I should doesn’t mean I am not.