2003 Lingenfelter Hummer H2

Second Place: Battle of the Bricks

Lingenfelter loyalists are already familiar with the company's 6.0-liter truck-engine package. It's no slap-dash affair. The deal includes a three-angle valve job, a ported-'n'-polished intake manifold, new forged pistons and rods, a new camshaft, new valve springs, tougher bearings, a new torque converter, and a new stainless-steel exhaust. Planted atop all that is a Magnacharger Eaton Roots-type supercharger and intercooler from Magnuson—good for 7.8 pounds of boost and 185 freshly arrived horses. The price of this basic package is $17,600. Beyond that, however, you can also specify the heavy-duty transmission (with increased line pressure to clamp the clutch packs more affectionately), a larger radiator (required mostly for towing), a polished supercharger to reflect your cash-depleted visage, a boost gauge, and 18-inch Toyo tires wrapped around Weld forged wheels. That raises the package price to $25,790—more than half the cost of the donor vehicle.

It all works pretty well. On hard launches, the H2's nose rises three or four inches. When it settles, the front tires dig in and try to turn left. It's an interesting sensation. There's no tire squeal—too much weight, too much rubber.

During our first test session, the H2's throttle was opening only 79 percent. LPE hauled the truck home, scolded and chastised various pieces of microchippery, then returned two days later. The Humboy's behavior had improved. Sixty mph arrived in 6.1 seconds, a 4.6-second improvement over stock. The quarter-mile slipped past in 14.5 seconds at 93 mph—better by 3.1 seconds and 15 mph. That's huge.

Throughout, throttle response remained superb, and idle quality seemed unmolested. But we need to talk for a minute about the noise this thing makes at wide-open whack. First there's a whine, then a whoop, then a feline wail, then a tea-kettle scream, then a police siren. Some of it emanates from the air intake, some from the supercharger belt, some from the chromed Corsa exhaust. At two or three frequencies, it's almost painful. LPE says buyers are free to hold on to their H2's stock exhaust, and Lingenfelter will still guarantee 500 horses. Do it.

The modified transmission shifts noticeably harder than the stock H2's. The shifts don't exactly bang, and neither will they snap your head, but it's so rare nowadays for a transmission to draw attention to itself the way this one always does.

LPE didn't touch the H2's brakes. We wish it had. We've never tested a Hummer that could stop from 70 mph in less than 200 feet. Just as bad, its brakes fade faster than a tipsy David Wells in extra innings. There's a hairpin on our handling loop. Driving the H2, you always wanted to approach with your right hand atop the shifter, in case engine braking suddenly became a crisis-management tool.

It sounds funny to say, but compared with the Benz, the Hummer handled like a Corvette. It evinced half of the Benz's body motions. And sharp, quick steering inputs didn't confuse its chassis. Generally speaking, the H2 felt flat, composed, aggressive in a crush-anything way—unflappable and seemingly unflippable. It was also better than the Benz at soaking up small bumps and potholes.

When all is said and done, though, there's always this: The freakin' thing weighs 3.3 tons. On freeways, there's so much wind resistance, so much weight to pull, that whenever you tap into the throttle—even for a 5-mph increase—you induce a transmission kickdown that zings engine revs into a renewed aural assault. It can wear you down.

No Hummer in our experience has ever had the legs to match its looks. Lingenfelter has fixed that. But with its lane-clogging width, gun-slit visibility, and 10-mpg taste for premium unleaded, this most American of icons is still a little like driving one wing of the Pentagon. Not the Air Force wing, either. More like something from the Navy.

If a fast truck is what you want, try a similar Lingenfelter package on a GMC Sierra. We tested one in 2001 that reached 60 mph in 4.7 seconds, all for less than $54,000.