I wanted to share everything below so I can get it off my chest and not be alone with it, but also, if someone can relate and has some advice too.

I want to give you my current story so everyone knows where I’m at and what I’m struggling with. I have 13 years away from drugs/alcohol but I consider myself a newcomer because I’ve been using porn and sex as a replacement the whole time. It has gotten progessivly worse over the years and I was in a deep dark depression for a number of years and this year it’s been the worst. Thoughts of suicide, complete isolation from the world, hasn’t been to meetings for about 6+ years. I know some will be able to relate to the sex addiction and others, it’s not your ailment. But for the sake of this forum, I’d like to have everyone assume that my drink of choice has been sex/porn and I’m an alcoholic.

I also have depression and anxiety separate from my alcoholism, but of course acting out has made it worse.

The most recent tragic event in my life which lead me to my bottom was my wife leaving me. We have known each other for 15 years (I’m 32 now), dates for 10 of those years and been married for the last 2.5 years. The thing is she didn’t leave me because of my sexual acting out. She doesn’t even know the worst of it, if she did I’m sure she would have left either way. She left because she wanted a real life full of advancement and achieving goals. And my world has been getting smaller and smaller over the last 10 years. The more depressed I got the more I turned to porn to soothe my pain, which lead to more guild and shame causing me to act out more. So because of her sticking around for so long hoping I would get better, she got really sad about it and finally had the courage to leave.

Since she left I have started to go to 12 step meetings for sex addicts, started daily journaling, meditation, prayer, have a sponsor and am working the steps, practice rigorous honesty, exercise daily, and share my inner pain with people around me so I’m not hiding from my feelings. I have also changed my diet because I was also using sugar obsessively and wanted that to not become my new crutch. And I also see a therapist weekly

Here’s a list of my problems. They might all be related to my addiction, but I’m not sure.
- intense shame and guilt about what I’ve put my wife through and for what I’ve looked at and done in terms of porn and sex.
- as a kid I had some very strange and borderline sexually abusive interactions with friends, that really messed up my ability to trust people. And also sparked my addiction journey.
- my general depression and anxiety (comes out of nowhere just randomly)
- my wife left me, very very sad!

So far I am 45 days sober. And last night I had a huge emotional breakdown.

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Here is my journaling from last night while in the thick of it.

I’m feeling really depressed. I’m having thoughts like “what’s the point of living?” And in the past the only way I’ve soothed these feelings was with porn. But I don’t have that anymore.

I saw a pic of my mom and dad with their moms and all I could think about is how old that photo was and how old my parents are and how close they are to death and how sad it will be when they go and how alone I’ll be and how my wife isn’t here either and how everyone will be gone one day and I’ll be alone. And what’s the point of living and what’s the point of trying so hard to be better when my outcome is alone and sad. I should just do what I like when I like it, eat food, abuse sex and porn (in all ways - sick and twisted), and then die.

1. How can I not keeps these thoughts to myself, it’s too horrible!
2. How do I tell someone about these feelings?
3. Who do I tell? (Sponsor is for recovery, not depression expert, therapist has legal obligations to tell authorities about my behavior, parents will be sad and worry, my wife is gone.

Every day is one day closer to death. I’m losing my hair (going bald), and getting older and can’t get it together. In the past I have felt like this offer. And tonight I feel he same. What’s the point of living if you just slowly decay into death?

Why restrict myself from worldly pleasures, even if they’re wrong or sick if this is as good as life gets?

How are other people walking around notncompletely saddened by this decaying life? How can they want to live knowing on day they’ll die? How can I do this work to be better knowing my outcome will be the same regardless?

How could I ever have a kid with these thoughts (one thing I’ve always been afraid of and my wife wanted but I couldn’t see myself being stable enough to take care of one)? These thoughts are exactly why I used and abused my wife’s trust with sex and porn and nude pictures; because I’ve had the “I don’t give a F*** about life, I’m outta here anyway” type days and went for it, 100mph because none of this matters. Death by shootout I’m not going to jail mentality.

What’s the point of learning to live life when you know your going to die? This feeling has been soothed in the past with food, porn (the most disgusting porn).

Do I want to die? In this Moment, yes!

If I were to relapse what would happen?
I would stay up late looking at the worst porn imaginable, then pass out crying, then sleep in and waste half the day and tell myself “tomorrow might be a better day.” This depression would pass, either in its own or because relapsing would sooth it. And I would feel intense guilt for what I’ve looked at and did, and the depression would always come back

How do I stop moments like this from happening?
Where did it come from?
Do other people think like this?
How does this relate to the 3rd step prayer and belief in god?
How do I join the natural flow of life and be the person God intended?
How can God help me through these days?
What does it mean to give myself utterly to him?
When I’m in a moment like this how do I enjoy life? How do I not believe it’s hopeless?

I want to never think like this. I want to be happy, enjoy life and be happy to be alive. I want to see life as a precious gift and treat it that way. I want to see this life as a gift I was given an see each day as not a sad moment of the evils of the world but as a beautiful moment for me to appreciate for at least one more day.

Do I really take the 3rd step to heart 100% and completely abandon myself? Is that the only answer to dedicate every waking moment to helping others like Jesus? Where I no longer exist and only good for others exists? This is extreme, is there a more balanced approach?

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Like I said I don’t really need answers to my problems, just wanting support and possible insight into what I’m going through, and if others have had days like this or am I unique?

i identify with your post though I've never had an addiction to porn. In my own experience: for some reason every time I get sober, around the 2 month mark I get extremely depressed. For me personally, the first couple months sober I'm too worried about cleaning up whatever mess I made last relapse. Then after the crisis is over, I have too much time to think and I start feeling hopeless about the future. I've learned to "ride it out" when I feel depressed and I find that my mood improves eventually.

Sounds like alcoholic thinking doesn't it? Unfortunately, for me, they DID know. I only "found out the worst of it" when doing my 4th, 5th 6th, 7th & 8th Steps!

We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future... We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol. Page 66 BB

Maybe something is coming up from your Fears list? If I might be so bold: Time for some work on the Steps before you get drunk again... If you drink there is no hope.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment (fear) leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment (fear) is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

Harboring is like hiding a criminal in the Dark that we feed and nurture. It is our secrets that keep us sick. Most of us do not know the Truth until we work Steps 4-8... Go through from Step 1 if your sponsor deems it necessary, but DO the work. Because again... this business of resentment (fear) is infinitely grave.We found that it is fatal... we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
and do not forget page 62

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible.

Those are some pretty strong words right there. A DOUBLE "MUST" even!

We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

I read that as: Must be Mastered... so who/what is your Master?

Now get busy living or get busy dying. This thing works if you work it.

Step 6 is "AA's way of stating, the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job... with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement." 12&12 Step Six, p.65

When what you're doing is hopeless, do something else instead. Nature doesn't exist in a vacuum, so when we stop a destructive behaviour such as drinking, it has to be filled with something else. Addictions are harmful because of the brain-chemistry involved. It gets acclimatised to a certain level of stimulation (dopamine), which is why it needs more for the same effect. But instead of giving it more of the same (which is never enough), what we need to do is give it something different.

Some substitute one destructive thing for another, eg putting down the alcohol and picking up codependency, gambling, other drugs, etc. Eventually, those also stop working without "more", as we still have not addressed the real problem. Drinking alcohol is not the alcoholic's real problem, it's the alcoholic's solution to a problem.

So if you are alcoholic and did nothing to identify and address the real cause, chances are you're sicker today than the day you stopped drinking. Quitting drinking alone is like a band-aid for a gunshot wound: essential first-aid, but you probably still have to get out what would kill you.

As for Step 3, I suggest you study the bit in the book that describes why it's important. What is the real problem that alcoholics have?

I kindly would like to know if you still use this site. And if you're okay. I recently got that stupid porn thing going on, the alcohol messes up the mind and it does seem like something to do when bored (watch porn) but the feelings it leaves a person with is disturbing. Well bye.

Need to do deep soul searching. It's better to work with a person who has come out of this addiction. It takes a lot of work in this area. The people I work with, if they have this addiction, I will sincerely let them seek help from the other fellowship that deals with it. I will not pretend to know this and mislead them.

Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

I relate to this post in so many ways because it is talking directly to alcoholism and the EGO or lack of Spiritual experiences and conscious contact.
The importance of working this program (pg.1 thru 164 of the Big Book) rigorously.
Self will run riot can kill.
I can here the loneliness and desperation in the words of the OP. (The Hideous Four Horsemen) (The Jumping Off Place)
Time in AA can't help you.
a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
c) That God could and would if He were sought.

Our One addiction that we can fully engage in is the addiction to God and His Love and Power.

I have an AA friend who says, "I have a disease that wants me dead, and it talks to me in my own voice." As I think about that, I realize that my disease can use alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, eating--the list is endless. For me, it's alcohol. But beneath my choice of "drug" is a powerful drive for MORE, more to distract me from what I don't want to face, more of whatever supports my belief that I'm worthless, more, more, more.

So a good 12-step program, in my opinion, is the solution. It gets beneath the drug of choice (porn, booze, gambling) to repair the faulty underlying thinking and bad reinforcing behavior. I suggest that you stop the self-judgment and look forward, using a good 12-step program to guide your way.