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Topic:
Understanding feelings of rejection.

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up.

Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples.

1. “I’m not good enough”
This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more!

2. "Nobody will ever love me”.
This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us.

3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?”
Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes.

In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language:

it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Ive taken it for 5 yrs now. I sit here tonight and I'm truly alone and want to run. If I do 3 kids won't have their mum. My ex could careless about them, my family either. Their to young and I'm to tired

I can't find another post by you so I'd like to welcome you here in Dr Kim's thread. (If you do have a thread already please let me know, I apologize for not finding it)

It sounds that the last 5 years have been a most horrible time for you and being so alone is very bad.

Do you think you might like to make your own thread in the Forum? It's the thing most people do and is quite simple. Just go to the section you think is right (perhaps Depression, perhaps Suicidal Thoughts) and hit the NEW THREAD button.

Doing this gives you your own area where you can talk about the difficulties facing you. Others can see what you have written and can answer.

We would really like to know more about you and your situation. Being alone with 3 kids and so down is something many can relate to.

this post seems a very good resource although I feel the type of rejection I experience daily isn’t listed and I’d like to hear others thoughts on it. As I have no spiritual beliefs I have found it easy to separate my self view from the ways others view me in terms of rejection. Other people’s thoughts about me are not my concern, however, my thoughts about me are very troubling. I am rejecting me on a daily basis despite being aware others are not. I usually make it through my day by pushing these thoughts to one side. My partner helped as a distraction from these thoughts but he has recently gone home for a few months and the feelings of self rejection are harder to keep in check. It’s hard to describe the feeling. Perhaps I can liken it to my ideal being a crisp fresh Granny Smith Apple and feeling like an old bruised decomposing pink lady Apple. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect as I am currently enjoying isolation haha.

I've copped rejection all my life from so-called 'family', even my own father. I'm feeling it so much more now that my grandfather (pretty much the dad figure in my life), died on 16.5 aged 96. I would've loved to have had my cousin to be there fore me like me and my family have done so for him so many times when he was desperate, but I had a fight with him 9 months ago because I stood up for the fact that he repaid our kindness with nastiness, rejection and what it seems spreading it all over facebook that he was getting rid of some of the 'negativity' in his life. And at the same time his sister unfriended me and my mother. Funny that, just as he began a new relationship. So yeah my expiry date was reached, yet AGAIN. Sick of rejection and don't want to be here any more. If it weren't for my kids and husband I wouldn't.

Someone with me know says they love me, but I cannot believe it, because I have no worth - and in my mind, always, I have no worth to them. I really understand how hard it is to love someone else now. Don't even ask me about sex - what should be the most intimate leaves me feeling the loneliest I've ever felt...

This is exactly what I needed to work through right now. I'm heading into the 10th week of my separation. The sense of relief I felt that things had finally ended have given way to a deep sense of loss and hopelessness.

I spent 17 years giving some one unconditional love and then he left me. His need to leave was so great, he also had to leave behind his two children whom he loved very much. He left without a penny, without an income and with no place to go to. I never asked for anything but his happiness. I shielded him from harm. I supported him financially and emotionally.

I must be the worst person on earth. The ugliest, most unlovable ogre that has ever existed for him to have done that. Where to now?

Also watching the clip I realized that in trying to keep the peace and shield myself from criticism I was putting up an armor which is also stopping me from enjoying life. A very important lesson I think.

Was wanting to follow the thread. I am new at this and unsure on how to follow. I am interested of part 3 of ruining the perfect relationship, as i feel that i do. Sarcastic comments are the main cause and not sure why they happen. Interested in other views on this subject.

Hi Strangefemme2000, that is me to a T. I absolutely loathe myself. For me, it's like there's a constant fight between two sides of the same coin. The kind and gentle voice speaks so quietly, and always rebutts the loud, aggressive, angry voice. But I can hardly hear it. It's so quiet, and the loud voice just keeps talking over the top until I forget there is another voice and remember how very horrible and disgusting I am. Very hard to value yourself when you don't... Is this my circle of life...

Please forgive me for butting in, your posts sparked my thoughts. The discussion has revolved around relationships, how a person feels when they end, or even remain but with the person feeling isolated and alone.

I'm going to talk a little becuse I've been blessed with two wonderful people. For a long time I was reluctant to say anything as I worried it would simply make those less fortunate even more unhappy. I no longer think that way for a couple of reasons. The first is to show happy long term relations do exist, sometimes people despair and think they don't.

First a good relationship takes two people in the long term. True there can be short term inequalities with one carrying the other, but overall it has to be effort by both. My first partner shouldered an incredible burden when I was ill and invalided out of my occupation. Later I returned the favor when she was ill, and in the meantime tried to be a support. I'm not saying I'm particularly good, just I tried, she was very much worth it.

Lilykitten: it looks like an unequal relationship where a massive effort on you part has finally come to an end. The human mind for some silly reason equates this with failure, and lack of self worth and all the rest of that blame. I've no real idea why, jut that it happens and is undeserved. 17 years of effort is a mammoth task.

Lost Traveller and Boobella: if I understand you feel your remarks, angry or sarcastic, are a major contribution to destroying a relationship. True they are unhelpful and should not be indulged in. However again that is half of it. The reaction of the listener is the other half. Both of my partners could be cross at times, but I rarely take it to heart or feel too guilty. A grin in reply is initially annoying, but normally ends up healing the rift. That's the other half of the cross words interchange. I'm not saying my response is suitable for your situation, just that a suitable response makes all the difference

Why do I say all this -so you do not try to shoulder all the responsibility. Anger can be frustration to things outside you , sarcasm a defense having been let down - I don't know, maybe you do.

Tired and sleepless: You are generously giving a huge gift with you body and your emotions, if not returned in kind of course you feel alone, I'm sorry.

You are all good people and deserve to regard yourselves with kindness.

But there is professional help out there and if you cannot get away from the hurtful people, you can learn to switch off from it with Psychological help.

As Dr Kim said, "there is good along with the bad." We just need to focus on the good if it's possible. If you can only focus on the bad then psychological help is advisable. I cannot recommend it enough and say how helpful the ten months of psychological care has helped me!

But you sometimes have to be firm with those who are hurting you, because if they do not know that they are hurting you they cannot change. Keep in mind that you cannot change them, you can only change how YOU RESPOND to them. Worry about what YOU CAN do or change, NOT what you CANNOT! Accept and acknowledge what you cannot and let it go - that was the theory behind Dr Kim's Post.

Hi I know months have passed since you posted this comment but I understand what you mean. I was experiencing the same debilitating self talk and was desperate to stop it. I attended hypnotherapy to try it out and for me it solved my internal battle, mostly. Good luck. I hope things are better for you now.

Hi. This is my first post. I am struggling at the moment because my sister has cut off contact with me for no apparent reason. This really hurts. She used to do it many years ago but seemed to be more easygoing the last few years: I think she may have a personality disorder as she has used this tactic to various people. I just want the pain to stop and for me to try to come to terms with the silent treatment: I would prefer someone to abuse me to my face rather than endure this.

I understand your pain. I struggle to know where to put unresolved pain. And it’s very difficult when you haven’t been given the opportunity of communication. Some people avoid uncomfortable communication at all costs, where as I would rather know where I stand so I can then deal with it and hopefully then learn methods to move on. Unfortunately we can’t change other people’s behaviour.

Perhaps speaking to a psychologist yourself to try to work through the hurt and grief might be useful. If somebody won’t give you closure then the only thing you can do is try to navigate your own pain and take control of it moving forward so you actually can move forward.

2. "Nobody will ever love me”.
This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us.

The statement is said to be a lie, because you cannot tell for certainty that nobody will ever love you from the the this time now, to the end of your life. We don't really know what will happen tomorrow, let alone in 1 year or 5 years time. Evidence might suggest that nobody has loved you, but cannot talk about the future.

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