In 1990, I exited a
religious cult in which I had spent the previous 18 years of my life.During the course of my adjustment to life outside of the group,
and as a result of working through myriad recovery issues common to
former cultists, I recognized, both in myself and in other former
members, a profound sense of loss accompanied at times by a tremendous
grief and anguish.Consequently,
I decided to research the issue of grief and loss as it relates to the
former cult member in order to learn just how prevalent and how
anguish‑producing it is.Even
though the research completed at this time represents a biased sampling
of the entire former cultist population, the findings are consistent
with my initial impression that former cultists come face-to-face with a
multiplicity of losses, accompanied by a deep, and sometimes
debilitating, sense of anguish.

The study consisted
of a three-page survey mailed to 150 former cultists. Eighty surveys
were returned (53%). Of the 80 respondents:

74%
exited �religious� cults

16
% had been with groups having a �new age� focus

The
average length of stay in the group was 9 years

The
average length of time since exiting was 7.7 years

�Walkaways�
numbered 66, or 85% of all respondents

9%
of all respondents had been exit counseled

The
former cultists rated three factors as having been most helpful to
them in their recoveries:

Learning
about mind control (49%)

Having
other former members to talk to (47%)

Reading
books on the subject (40%)

With
respect to the experience of the former cult members with mental
health professionals:

52
acknowledged having received professional help

26
stated that their particular mental health professional was very
well informed; many former members had received referrals from
people involved with AFF or the Cult Awareness Network

21
stated that their mental health professional knew little or nothing
about cults, mind control, and recovery issues related to former
cultists, but that these professionals were willing to be educated
about such matters

Of
the 52 who acknowledged having received professional help, 5 claim
to have been misdiagnosed and/or mistreated

The last two pages of
the survey focused on 31 specific areas of loss. Sadly, many of the
surveys were returned with nearly all 3l checked as applying to the
respondent, and as having caused tremendous distress during the first
two years out of the group.Of
the 31 issues addressed, l will mention the five that were identified as
having caused the most distress not only during the two immediate post-cult
years, but since departure, however long ago that may have been.All of these issues were rated as having caused �extreme�
distress in the lives of the former cultists involved.

The
loss of innocence (the result of feeling that one had been
spiritually �raped, used, betrayed) (84%)

Grief
over the years �lost� in the group (71%)

Grief
regarding �what could have been . . .� (71%)

Loss
of meaning/purpose in life (69%)

Loss
of trust in religion (68%)

Although
exiting a high-demand group signifies, and carries with it, hope of a
new life filled with individual freedom, especially the freedom to make
one�s own decisions and choices, departure also means coming face-to-face
with a multiplicity of losses.

Let us consider, for
a moment, a few examples of these losses, and empathize with the
inner struggle and grief that challenge many a former cult member.Consider, for example, the former cult member who leaves
spouse, and/or family, behind in the group, and the long-term
friendships one forsakes upon leaving the group.What grief must accompany the loss of such precious
relationships?What of
the individual�s personal and social sense of identity, which
identity, for so long, was �defined� by the cult leader or
leadership?The recovering former cult member struggles with the loss of
his �cult� identity, and must find, for himself, the answer to
the age-old question, �Who am 1?�In addition, the former cult member�now no longer part of a
group where lofty, unattainable ideals of perfection and
responsibility reign�may grope in an emotional �limbo� of
sorts, feeling that his life has lost significance, meaning,
purpose.He no longer
has the �personal responsibility� of saving the world, or of
being �perfect,� weighing upon his shoulders, and struggles to
define what his role is, and will be, in life.Needless to say, in these instances, the potential for
feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and despair are great.Finally, what of all those innocents, who come face-to-face
with the realization that their trust has been violated�that their
bodies, minds, and souls, their love, devotion and energy�have
been manipulated, used, and abused, in the name of all that is
�supposed to be� good?Whom
can they trust now?Their
sense of loss and betrayal, and subsequent grief, are indeed
profound!

My hope upon
initiating this research was to magnify the issue of �grief and
loss� as it relates to the former cult member: first, validating,
through research, its existence among the former cult member population;
and then focusing attention upon both the acute and long-term distress
accompanying this process.My
desire was also to further sensitize those of us who are dedicated to
helping individuals recovering from cult life so that, with increased
awareness and sensitivity, we might help to alleviate some of the
emotional and psychological pain associated with this grieving process.