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Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Tonight I'm going to be doing a live author chat over on Twilight Moms, a website devoted to moms who enjoy astronomical chitchat.

Or maybe they have something to do with vampires. Hm. Come to think of it, that might explain a few things, actually...

Well, if I've learned anything from being a fangirl myself (though admittedly more of the sci-fi genre) it's that you always look for common ground when dealing with bloodthirsty devotees. That, and no sudden movements. So, Twi-hards, sink your teeth into THIS (while the rest of us casually stroll off in this direction):

As you can see, there are two crucial elements to most Twilight cakes:1) edible photo paper, and2) lots of black icing.

Unfortunately, black icing does tend to show how green the "black" ink in edible photos can be. But what can you do? Draw something?

Say, this is actually pretty good! And way to represent the big girls, baker; I'm tired of the skinny chick always getting the sparkly immortal. Even if she is impaling his arm with her big ol' man-hand.

Well, better get back to the formula, I suppose. Only, what's that you say? You want MORE black icing? Nooo problem:

Well that's gonna leave a mark stain. No, I don't know what the white swirly bits are supposed to be. And yes, it does look like a postage stamp. But let's not give anyone ideas, mmkay?

You know, for vampire-themed cakes these things have been awfully blood-free.

(Yes, I know that Forks is the name of the town in the story. That's hardly an explanation, though.)

As with all cakes, the most important thing to remember when ordering a Twilight design is that nothing beats a little forethought, balance, and beautifully scripted text:

Yep, nothing would have beat any of those right about now.

[Pro tip: if you're going to scratch guide lines into the icing, keep in mind that airbrushed icing is white underneath.]

And lastly, choosing the right text for your tribute cake is also key:

"What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm the bad guy? What a stupid lamb! What a sick, masochistic lion."

Er.

Yeeeahh...so...

Happy Birthday!

Or would it make more sense as an anniversary cake? [evil grin]

I hate to admit it, Giselle P., Katelynn B., Emily S., Jennifer T., & Itzkeleen, but I think the first Twilight Wreck I posted still takes the cake. (Keeping in mind that only the professional cakes count, of course; there are tons of hilarious amateur jobs out there.)- Related Wreckage: The Twilight of our Discontent

I love twilight wreckage! Even with all the blobs of black icing, Edward still looks yummy (pun intended). I think the guidelines in that one cake are suppose to be there, but it was still silly to make them white when in the logo they are the same color as the text.

Wow I just realized how much of a twi-nerd I am. I'm off to go get a life now...

when i saw that second to last cake, i thought it actually said "What if i'm not the nerd" before getting to what you said about it. also, who doesn't love a couple of humping worms next to a chess piece????

hm.... I thought that last one said, "What if I'm not the nerd?"I'm not a Twilight fan, so I know I'm not getting a lot of the references, but what's the decoration on that cake? I see a bell pepper/apple thing on the left, a chess piece on the right, so what the hell is in the middle?

You know... I do not appreciate Twilight as a work of literature per se (being extra PC to avoid flame wars on your lovely lovely site!) But I think I would order one of those cakes. Really. They are too darn hilarious.

LOL as usual. Although, on the last one those white lines aren't guide marks....the Twilight movie logo has white sparkly white lines dancing off the letters like that. Just for the record. :) Big fan (of CW and Twilight!).

Wow, I totally read that last one as "what if I'm not the nerd." I like my reading better. :)

THanks for explaining the "Forks" thing to those of us who avoid Twilight like the plague. If you don't now anything about Twilight, that made NO sense. (Okay, even if you do, I suppose it really don't either....)

Oh, man. Somehow I missed that first Twilight post back when you wrote it, so I just saw it for the first time today. Can I just tell you how much more I love you for making a Richard III pun in the title? Now is the twilight of our discontent, indeed.

(Full disclosure: I was an English major, sure, but I wouldn't have recognized the quote except for the Extreme Richard III scene in Thursday Next. Which, Jen, if you haven't read it, RUN, don't walk, to your nearest bookstore and get the whole series - you would LOVE them.)

It took me far too long to realize that the "bell peppers" were supposed to be apples... and even longer to stop staring at the center of the last cake,trying to decide what that bacon-lookin' stuff is supposed to be.

The last one kind of reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Bart calls Australia. At one point, a guy from the government is at the house and shows the family pictures from the Land Down Under, and one of them is a sign advertising the "Yahoo Serious Festival", to which Lisa replies, "I know all those words, but that sign makes no sense." In turn, I know what all of those illustrations are supposed to be, but it makes no sense. :P

I did a Twilight cake for my daughter's birthday and when I looked at it I thought "oh dear god how craptastic" (black fondant...yeah...good times). But after seeing these I suddenly feel like I did a really good job.

I'm sorry, but I jsut HATE vampires. They are the whiney, lame-ass kings of the world.

I went to UC Santa Cruz, and the poor "I got picked on and beat up in high school" group in thier trenchcoats and top hats, or worse, capes, would play live-action role playing vampire games, wadering around the main street (PAcific) all hours trying to boost thier egos.

"I'm a vampire! I'm so cool! Please think I'm cool! Have a black rose! Vampires are so very depressed and black!"

Pretty much what Anne Rice was doing with her whole Vampire series.

I know I'm in the minortiy here, so bear with me.

Girls like vampires because they are un-threatening sexually (without blood, the "member" cannot function) yet scary and threatening (They can bite you and make you one of them! OoohhhhhHHHhhh!)

Lately, books and movies like "Twilight" have made the vampire even LAMER by turning them into teen hearthrobs. Sort of like David Cassidy with pointy teeth.

Read the original legends. In the beginning, vampires were stinking smelly walking corpses that could tear you apart. They weren't pretty.

They looked and smelled better in Dracula, but let's not forget that Vlad the impaler, well, impaled people. This involved jamming a long sharp pole up the butt and then sticking it in the ground so the live victim could slowly slide down.

I think the things on top of the last cake are supposed to look like the pictures on the front of the books. An apple, a chess piece and ...drum role...a red ribon. Too bad the ribon in icing looks so much like bacon!

I think the things on top of the last cake are supposed to look like the pix on the book covers. An apple, a chess piece and ....drum role...a red ribon. Too bad a ribon looks very much like bacon when done in icing!

You mean twi-tards. We had a girl get put in the hospital in our local highschool because she discriminated against the book saying she didn't like it and another girl attacked her giving her a concussion.

Those are horrible cakes. I can't imagine how bad black icing would stain.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought the last cake said "what if I'm not the nerd"

I recently made a Twilight themed cake for my niece. It didn't come out disastrous, aside from having a pic of whats-his-face on it. I was even able to get a pic of myself taking a butcher knife to "Edward's" face. =)

Obviously, I'm not a fan of the series......

Another side note - there is better quality black edible ink out there that doesn't look green.

Well I did NOT know Forks was the name of the town (I think I pride myself on having the LEAST Twilight knowledge of anyone I know) but you're right. Knowing that does nothing to help explain that cake.

Glad I am not the only one who saw nerd instead of hero. Also, why is there bacon on that last cake?

Also also, I don't really understand why you would airbrush an entire cake in the first place, rather than just dyeing the icing BEFORE you put it on. That would avoid the white scratch marks, and make all other nicks and imperfections harder to see, too. And just look better.

Doesn't anyone read through the comments before posting? Bacon. Nerd. We get it. :D

As someone already said, the last cake is supposed to be representive of the four book covers: apple, red and white tulip, red ribbon and chess queen. Likewise, all of the text on the border are lines from the books. However, I don't get what the dusting of powdered sugar is all about. Snow? Sparklies? Maybe the dust of ancient Volturi's?

Oh, "What if I'm not the hero?" I thought it said "What if I'm not the nerd." huh.

Then, what's the deal with the white fire hydrant and red hose? or maybe that's a queen chess piece. But then what's with the peppers attacking each other? WTF? Are these the best quotes available? Maybe I should read the book. I don't understand. I didn't know the vampires had a hydrant/chess connection.

Okay. The one where someone drew Edward and Bella (I can't believe I know their names and I've never read the books) is pretty darn awesome (even if poor Bella's arm is a bit swollen...maybe she's allergic to vampire saliva?).

The rest? Black-frosting wrecktastic. See, the way I see it, there's different levels of wrecky--"What the heck is it?", "Poo-like," and "Black frosting." XD

Loved all the Twilight wreckage. Some of them are just....no words, sorry. Yes, the last cake looks like it says "nerd". Of course, true Twihard FF fans could think they are refering to "Geekward". After all, you gotta love a geeky Edward.

OK, OK, I thought "nerd" too for the last cake. But what on earth does the FIRST cake say? "And so the ___ [obscured by label] fill in [scribble] with the dumb"?? I'm lost. (And obviously not a Twilight aficionado.)

The last one makes me sad. Here was me thinking that asparagus wrapped in bacon was the least of all the hors d' oeuvres, and now just look at it. Flaunting itself with wonky peppers and skid-mark leaving chess peices all over the place.

Seven cakes in one day-- that is a lot of black icing. If you feel nauseous and your lips are turning blue... you've probably been eating one of these beauties!

I like how the fourth one has a Walmart mark with the little camera symbol on the "postage stamp." You know, to keep you from using this symbol in unauthorized ways that might diminish the image. *snicker*

oh my what wonderful wreckage!. i'm glad i'm not the only one that saw hero as nerd and thought that the flower and ribbon on the last cake looked like bacon. if it wasn't for the chess piece i probably wouldn't have figured out that they were trying to put the cover art from the 4 books all on one cake. i'm letting my daughter have a party when new moon comes out in november. i will defiantly be making their cupcakes myself after seeing some of this. not sure what we'd end up with for cupcakes if i request werewolf heads.

I'm with Lindsey - I saw the line as "what if I am not the herd". My other reaction was "what the heck - is that BACON on that cake?" Maybe it was a breakfast cake - strawberry jelly and bacon. Very strange. My daughter is 24 and has complete and utter disdain for all things Twi, so I have no idea what the text on the cake is supposed to mean.

Yes! "What if I'm not the nerd?" T-shirts that have a red bell pepper, bacon-wrapped asparagus, bacon on its own, and a comparably giant, inexplicable white fire hydrant. All on a lopsided black background flaked with snow. Can't believe I didn't go into design professionally.

What I'd like to know is when are we going to see Edward with a yellow sanding sugar complexion. *Sparkly* LOL!

Oh, and the very first carrot jockey? Dismounted, but we're researching* glues to get him back in the saddle.

Enjay

*by researching I mean the man makes a suggestion and I veto it. So far caulk, gorilla glue, wood glue, super glue and something called liquid weld have been shot down for fear of inducing a grotesque appearance in the crotchal region.

C. Beth said... I'm exposing myself as someone who hasn't read Twilight here.... Is there supposed to be a mustache on the one male on the 3rd cake? It looks like Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara to me.___________________________Have not read the books either.Also thought it was a gone with the wind theme

I definitely saw bacon, too, on that last one. And "nerd." I thought it was a spoof cake at first, but the bacon threw me WAY off! Vampires don't eat bacon! Unless they're desperate, maybe. I'm guessing a live pig would work better than a cooked one. Wow. Contemplating the bacon for way too long, here.

I HATE Twilight with a burning passion that fills my very soul until I feel ablaze with the agony of rage. These cakes cool the flames a little. I mean, Twi-hards have to have a sense of humor about their wrecks, right? So therefore, we CAN coexist!

I read 'nerd'. I see bacon. I wonder about bacon on a cake. And I can't work up much interest in vampires, either to like or hate. Although I did like Bram Stoker's Dracula (the movie) years ago. Pirates are infinitely more interesting creatures, both real and created.

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