My Girlfriend Keeps Sending Out Mixed Signals

Asked by dennisc on 2018-10-31 with 1 answer:

I’m now 4 months together with my girlfriend. We got to know each other during a bike ride. Last couple of moths there were a lot of things that changed in her life. she had a boyfriend since 3 months (me) she started a new job (it’s tough for her because its new and it take a lot of energy) she started an evening education for becoming a win steward (sommelier) and she needs to train for a cycling vacation next year where she needs to cycle 150km each day during 2 weeks.

We had a wonderful time according to me. 1.5 week ago on Tuesday she told me she had a nice weekend. she needed the rest and time to study for her wine education because on Wednesday she had an exam. than 2 days later We met at the home of her parents. I needed to be there in the neighborhood the next day for my work and on Saturday she had the official graduation event. That Thursday night she came home late (the took another shift of someone the called sick at the last moment. She was quiet and she looked tiered. we went to bed and I asked about het day. Then everything came above. so told me that she did not know is she made the right choices if she sees her future with men etc. the next day I took some time to have a breakfast with her (she had a day off) she looked more happy she told me about a house that she have seen and that she loved at somewhere in my town, she was telling me she wanted on a long vacation with me next year, somewhere far. we had a good conversation. then I went to work. after a couple of hours she sent me a message that we needed to talk. in the evening we talked for hours. The said that a part of her lost her feelings for me, she told me that she wanted time for herself so the knows what to do with her life. the next day week kept sending messages.in the evening she wanted to call, she said the missed me. then we had a conversation about her busy life. The next day i asked is we could call her, she did not respond, I thought, OK she wanted time. I will give it to her. I have written a letter and put it on the mail on Tuesday an waited until Friday to contact het. On Saturday she sent me a message that my messages are shorter, I did not contacted her last week, it looked that I did not want to give her (our relationship) attention. apart from that she lost her filings, but because I did not contacted her she took that decision more easily. then she also told me that she left to Paris for 5 days. she needed the rest. she did not received my letter on time, until today she did not read it. In a couple of days I see her again, because I thought we needed to talk, but all those mixed signals. What do i need to say or think? (From Belgium)

There isn’t much here to work with. Mixed signals are warnings. Don’t invest too much time, energy, or resources. Let her know she can get back in touch with you if she is interested. Until or unless she does, it is a waste your time to pursue someone so confused.

As long as someone remains ambivalent, you are in the position of trying to convince them. This isn’t satisfying because even if you succeed, you will be haunted by the fact you had to convince them and will be worried they can always lapse back into their ambivalence.

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Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.