Senator, bachelor, and self-proclaimed non-“defective” person Lindsey Graham wants to be president. He won’t be. Between his retrograde stance on abortion, his glib musing that thought crimes merit drone assassination, and the persistent rumors about his alleged homosexuality—“I ain’t gay,” the South Carolina Republican told The New York Times in 2010—Graham repels too many constituencies to be considered a legitimate contender. That Graham would become the first unmarried president in a century—and only the second who never wed—doesn’t help him with the family values crowd either; among Republican voters, Graham routinely polls behind a bellicose hairpiece and a synonym for erectile secretions. Which is a shame, because Graham could be an endlessly entertaining president, scaremongering notwithstanding. The reason: His rom-com-esque plan to cycle honorary wives. “I’ve got a lot of friends,” Graham told Daily Mail Online. “We’ll have a rotating first lady.” Oh? Here, a few suggestions for Graham’s White House WAG.

Pros:** The immediate and total surrender of all foreign foes after they hear her verse on “Monster.”

Cons: One of her alter egos might launch all the nukes; there is a possibility “Beez in the Trap” is not gibberish and instead refers to a literal trap full of bees, which is a bad look for the White House.