My best friend relapsed

My best friend relapsed

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Aug 9 10 11:53 PM

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Well, I just need to post a comment of gratitude for not smoking today. My best friend quit about 6 months ago (It became a challenge to hang out with her when I smoked, because I wanted to chain smoke with her like we used to) and I eventually quit. Not because of her, but her quitting made it uncomfortable for me to be around her while smoking.

Anyway, although she didn't use this website, she did quit cold turkey.She had a house fire and her cat died in the fire today. She relapsed about 1 hour after the fire.

I am grateful for this site, because I was taught that a puff will not help anything. Not if someone dies, if the house burns down, if there is a car accident, etc.Unfortunately, now she has no cat, no home, and her addiction to smoking.

My part? I have to support her (not the smoking part but her) and remember that there is absolutely no reason, none, nada, at all! to ever ever ever take another puff. Sometimes life gets a little tough, but it never helps to take a puff.JulieQuit 7/20/10

Thank you for sharing that story, Julie. Perhaps you can introduce her to this site at some point. If that's not an option, you could print out the eight-page PDF of the Law of Addiction for her to have on hand (you can access it through the link in my signature). How very wise of you to understand the ramifications of giving in to a smoke under stressful circumstances. There's a common saying around here that goes: "
If I have a problem and choose to smoke, then I have two
problems," but I really like your little rhyme: "Sometimes life gets a little tough, but it never helps to take a puff." I'm definitely going to keep that one.

Welcome to the site and good luck on your upcoming one-month celebration!

"If you have a quit going, do everything in your power to make
it last.

You really don't know that you will ever have the strength,
desire or opportunity to quit again."

So so sorry to hear about your friend's relapse, Julie. But as Joel constantly reminds us, we don't relapse because of a sudden jolt of sorrow, pain or fear. If so, there would be few long-term ex-users. We do so because we allow nicotine back into our bloodstream. But there's no doubt that the horrible feelings your friend felt likely had her mind searching for some way to relieve them, and that over in the corner were thousands of old memories of smoking having brought relief.

But what your friend likely didn't next reflect upon was that those memories belonged to a drug addict who was again in need of a fix. She failed to appreciate that just one powerful puff and up to 50% of her brain's dopamine receptors would become occupied by nicotine, and that her brain would soon be begging for more.

Once beyond withdrawal, believing in the relief message flowing from years of old replenishment memories will result in a significant disconnect. Nothing is missing from the brain and there is nothing in need of replenishment. Instead of relief, there will be hot smoke, possibly accompanied by a toxin tissue burning sensation or dizziness. The opposite of relief will occur as the addict is back. Soon urges and anxieties for another will arrive, followed by hunger for another, and another, and another.

Julie, I'll close with the below email that greeted me this morning. It's about smoking coming between friendship and love. As suggested by Jenny's nightmare, someone needs to get the ball rolling, to show smokers they love the beauty of living clean and free. Still just one guiding principle that if followed guarantees success to all ... no nicotine today!

Breathe deep, hug hard, live long,

John (Gold x11)

My beautiful mom passed away on 5 Jan 2010 at the age of 61. She had been smoking since she was about 18. She was diagnosed only 6 months beforehand – in July 2009. Hers was a brief fight, but oh so difficult! She went through severe chemotherapy, even though we knew that the cancer was incurable. It had already spread to her lymph nodes and it looked as though she had 2 soccer balls on either side of her neck. She started the battle so positively, but the chemo slowly takes it's toll. She had 6 sessions, but there was no change. In fact, new spots had appeared on her lungs. They stopped chemo and decided to try radiation to relieve the symptoms. She was ecstatic as she could now eat again :) But stopping the chemo meant that the cancer just ran rampant. She died 3 weeks later.

How do you get over something like this? I stopped smoking 5 years ago and have stupidly been smoking again for the last 4 months. This site has inspired me to NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF! Starting right now. I don't care how difficult it is!

Losing my mom has been the hardest thing. She was so vibrant and full of life, a keen golfer and a wonderful friend. I am an only-child and I feel the void each and every day. I have just bought a house, gotten a new dog, am starting a business and have the most wonderful man in my life – and yet I cannot share any of these joys with her. The memory of her last few months haunts me. She was in so much pain and couldn't breathe. Watching your loved one go through something like this is heartbreaking and if this email stops just one person from taking a puff, then I feel that it’s worth it.

Thanks so much for the support..What a touching email, John. That is devastating.

It is amazing how my addict mentality is jealous that my friend is smoking now and I am not. What a baby I am!! Well, I am going to do what I've learned - continue to be smarter than nicotine, and get out my quit list. Read and educate myself more. Knowledge is definately power. It sure helps to visit this website! Thanks for the support.JulieQuit 7-20-10

Thanks for sharing your story and your resolve to NTAP - even in the midst of tremendous stress and relapse of your close friend. I keep telling myself that my quit does not depend on anyone else, but I've been scared that I wouldn't have the resolve to stand up to my principles if it came down to something drastic. Being relatively new to my quit- it is a tremendous help to read your story and believe that there is hope - that I can be strong as long as I keep my commitment to never take another puff!

Thanks!

Jason Prior - Free and Healing for Four Days, 15 Hours and 14 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 7 Hours, by avoiding the use of 93 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $25.50.

The relapses of dear friends are among the most powerful tempters we'll feel. But if we remember our love for those friends, we hang tough--at whatever cost--to offer them hope for the future...knowing quitting can be done.

Yesterday I saw a number of posts from people who had quit for long time periods in the past before relapsing. I think one was a 20 year quit, others were ten plus years. While this is scary to witness in so many people, it serves a purpose of teaching a very valuable lesson. It shows the addiction to nicotine. What I always thought was the greatest indicator of the addictive nature of nicotine is not how hard it is to quit. I think what better illustrates it is how easy it is to go back. That after being off for months, years, or even decades does not render a person "cured."

Many years ago a man who had once been off smoking for 25 years joined one of my clinics. After that great period of time his daughter developed a case of mononucleosis, and in trying to keep her occupied, he and his wife played pinochle with her for many days straight. He was sitting between the two of them who were constantly smoking. By the third day the tedium of the situation and the constant exposure to their smoke tempted him. He decided he would have a cigarette. After all, he figured he had been off smoking for a quarter of a century--what harm could there be in having one or two cigarettes?

That was 8 years and approximately 117,000 cigarettes smoked before he joined my program. Without understanding the concept of addiction, he allowed himself a cigarette. That resulted in an eight-year and two packs per day addiction. While 25 years would logically seem to be a safe period of time to have permanently broken free from a habit, addiction is a totally different matter. In drug addiction, no period of time makes a person capable of controlled limited use of a substance. Whether it be alcohol, heroin, cocaine, or tobacco, "once an addict always an addict" is an adage which must be understood and lived by. The day it is forgotten the addict will become complacent, and that complacency may cost the addict his continued abstinence, health, and, eventually, his life. It is a high price to pay for a poorly calculated gamble.

While this man may have been off longer than most ex-smokers, his story is in no way unique. In almost every clinic I ever did, at least a quarter of the group had quit for a year or longer. In fact, in the majority of programs we had at least one 5-year-plus ex-smoker enrolled to quit again and even ten-year relapsers were not at all uncommon. These people demonstrated over and over again the danger of taking even one puff, and its ability to cause a full-fledged relapse. The more this phenomenon is witnessed, the more undeniable the concept of one puff being capable of causing a full-fledged relapse becomes.

That is why continued reinforcement is imperative if an ex-smoker wishes to stay free from cigarettes. That is why continuing to occasionally participate at here at Freedom even after quitting for significant time periods is probably a good tool to keep everyone reinforced. Long-term quitters may disassociate themselves from their past, forgetting the level of control once exerted by cigarettes. "Maybe I am different" are famous last thoughts that pass through the ex-smoker's mind before relapsing.

Come witness the shock and disbelief of once successful quitters who are once again desperately trying to quit because they thought they could have just one. The anger, frustration, despair and pain are apparent in them as well as in the first time quitters too. While you may be having occasional passing thoughts for a cigarette as an ex-smoker, these people are experiencing a constant all-consuming obsession toward smoking.

Spending a few minutes reading or even participating in these stories, in all probability will prevent you from becoming the next victim of the complacency that caused their relapse. To avoid ever going through a difficult and possibly insurmountable quitting process yourself, keep up at Freedom and, most importantly, NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF!

and

From: Joel. Sent: 1/26/2003 10:20 PM

I saw where a new member wrote that she was getting intimidated by reading about all of our lost long-term quits. I think she might have read this thread. Please look at the original dates of this thread, it refers to what Freedom was like when we didn't have our current policies in place. People did indeed relapse in numbers. That does not happen anymore because we have got our membership understanding from the day they join that the only way they can keep their membership, and more importantly, the only way they can keep their quit is to stay 100% committed to never take another puff!

We are a board dedicated to one simple premise. There is no legitimate reason to relapse. Some people may not like this premise. Some may feel that if the most tragic thing in the world imaginable were to occur, smoking would be understandable. Well, if a person relapses under such a tragedy would the rest of us understand. In fact, yes we would. We would understand perfectly what happened.

We would understand that the person who just went through a horrible life tragedy has just compounded his or her problem by thinking that somehow relapsing to a drug that will slowly cripple him or her, cost him or her a small fortune over the rest of his or her life, will make him or her a more nervous and sadder person for the rest of his or her life, and will likely eventually kill him or her. Do we feel bad for the person for the original problem? Sure we do. But the fact is every person on this board has past, present and will face future life tragedies.

But every person on this board has to recognize that no matter what the stress, smoking cannot solve it. All smoking will do is cause another problem, in many ways a bigger problem than the problem that led the ex-smoker to take relapse. While it may sound heartless to say a bigger problem, if the problem were a loss of a child, spouse, parent, sibling, or even a close friend, the bottom line is smoking can cause the death of you.

That is going to leave your parents, wife, husband, siblings, friends and everyone else you know facing the same feelings of loss and disruption. Do you want any of these people to relapse to drug addiction when you die? If on your death bed would pass out cigarettes to your children who are ex-smokers, heroin to your siblings are a recovering addicts, bottles of booze to your parents who have been successfully off drinking for decades? Would you say to them, "Well I am going now, you may all want to consider taking this stuff, I understand how upset you must be."

There are only two legitimate reason to relapse. One, you want to go back to smoking until it cripples then kills you or two, you enjoy withdrawal so much you never want it to end. If this is the case just take one puff every third day, withdrawal will last forever.

Any other reason you take it is not legitimate, and thinking that it is will only undercut your ability to ever quit and stay off for over life other things will happen. If one tragedy is a good reason, so will the next one be. To have to explain this to each and every members specific past life tragedy would tie the board up. It would in fact become a diversion to what everyone is here for. To focus on not smoking today.

We must remember the past, and hopefully learn from it. But the lesson had better be the real understanding that a past relapse was a mistake, a big mistake, one that if not undone now in itself will be a tragedy. If the lesson is anything else, that relapse was the biggest mistake you ever made in your life, one that in fact one day will cost you your life. Don't get caught up in the mind games of a legitimate relapse. Instead, learn from the past and prepare yourself to face the future, no matter what it holds with your full commitment and resolve to never take another puff!

There is only one kind of person that you should lock in as your one and only buddy--a person who you know beyond any shadow of a doubt will never take nicotine again, who you also know beyond the shadow of a doubt is going to outlive you so that they are always around to support your quit and who you have total access to 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and will have that kind of access to the rest of your life. The fact is that you don't know this about any single individual.

Your quit has got to be contingent on you and nobody else. Another string that addresses this concept is the one on Crutches to Quit Smoking. There it explains how even Freedom as a whole cannot be your one crutch or buddy system for there are times that even we will not be available due to technological glitches at our end or at yours.

So recognize that you have to count on yourself. Learn as much as you can and be armed with as much ammunition and understanding as you can possibly muster to talk yourself through those occasional thoughts or urges that may materialize. Have your reasons for first quitting and your reasons for wanting to stay smoke free at your disposal so that you are always keeping yourself reminded as to why you are now committed to never take another puff!