Tuesday, August 09, 2016

Politicians echo that refrain like hyperactive crickets in the summer dusk: “It’s what the American people want.” And “Let’s see what the American people want.” Nooooo. Let’s not see what the American people want. Have we learned nothing at all from segregation and civil war and The Real Housewives of Orange County? You want to know what the American people want? We’ll tell you what the American people want:

The American People want drive-thru nickel beer night.

The American People want to lose weight by eating potato chips.

The American People think louder is better and deafening is best.

The American People want to climb K-2 in a Lazy-Boy recliner.

The American People want the Supreme Being to help their team beat the other team totally oblivious that fans of the other team expect the same thing.

The American People require a warning label on their brake fluid to keep them from drinking it.

The American People want to win the lottery without having to buy a ticket.

The American People think any piece of clothing they can squeeze into, fits.

The American People want to make society safer with more guns.

The American People want to visit foreign lands and speak English.

The American People want better schools and roads by paying fewer taxes.

The American People would chew off their own foot if Oprah told them there was liquid gold in their ankle veins.

The American People want to look like George Clooney by getting $10 haircuts.

68% of the American People still believe professional wrestling is legitimate.

The American People have the attention span of tornado-strewn straw.

The American People think the laws of gravity should be repealed.

The American People love the Home Shopping Network because it’s commercial free.