there's no such thing as adventure, there's no such thing as romance, there is only trouble and desire

Monday, June 14, 2004

June 14 (Monday): A very hot day. First day back walking to work and not getting a lift to work with Azmei. I wake up totally disorganised, so much to do, so little time. I really donâ€™t want to go to work today. At 8.30 Azmei texts â€œdonâ€™t forget you have to walk to workâ€?. I ignore it, Iâ€™m an arsehole. To be honest though, I am happy to be walking to work again, it is good exercise. And I get to listen to the radio every morning again. Regardless, I still faff about my flat and leave at 8.40 for a 25 minute walk meaning I will get to work late.

Work is ok. Again I am stuck in Chernobyl on my own but I just put on the radio on my phone and it puts a bit of life into the dead office. Actually, the whole business is dead, Jack is out playing golf so therefore the partners donâ€™t want to be around the office, be seen to be the one responsible. I see Randy Pan first thing and he looks at me very sheepishly for reasons I donâ€™t know.

I stagger to town at lunch and buy the Sonic Youth DVD. The kid in HMV tells me how cool my purchase is (therefore I am so cool?). I walk around town on my own on a lunch break for the first time in ages. I see the girl/lady/woman I fancy but Azmei said â€œwas out of my leagueâ€?. We make eye contact but I look down, shame as I am in my suit and looking very good. I donâ€™t bother with lunch, I honestly donâ€™t really feel hungry and today is supposed to be day one official of the great Atkins restart. Sarah texts me to tell me she is bored. Just what I always wanted to know. I ask he if sheâ€™s been texting Randy Pan (ie why he may have been sheepish) and she skirts around the issue. I tell her if she is going to doing that â€œwe cannot be friendsâ€? and I stop replying to her messages. Around this time Phoebe texts and it makes my day.

I begin the afternoon at work watching my Sonic Youth DVD on one of the companyâ€™s laptops. It is fantastic, the 1992 period was the greatest year in music for me and the videos for 100%, Youth Against Fascism and Sugar Kane look better than ever to me. Early afternoon Randy Pan calls me into his office for a meeting, a general state of the union address, â€œyouâ€™re almost qualified, where do you see yourself?â€?. â€œAn overpaid office junior because you fucks aren't progressing meâ€? is what I donâ€™t say but perhaps should have. It turns out Dr Who is slagging my work again (funny, he is the only one of four partners to do so) and it really appears to be working against me, hiccupping my career. He also says I am not assertive enough. This coming from the man who does one thing, forgets it and then does exactly the opposite thing, you can use the Jedi mind trick on him, a man who divers beyond belief to the point heâ€™s been labelled by colleagues "the doddery old fucker". Helpfully, Randy Pan suggests that in such a situation I tell him to "fuck off". Yeah I could really see that, me telling the humpiest partner to "fuck off", I would soon be out the door. We quickly get into specifics and I finding myself whispering as I am shouting Randy Pan down, does an angry whisper make a person sound like a psychopath? Once more I feel discouraged, as if all I said is akin to banging my head against the wall and that, as usual, I am working against management rather than with them. Randy Pan reviews a job of mine and it is basically him being fussy and pedantic, teaching me to suck eggs. I wonder sometimes how much of this I bring on myself but surelyâ€¦..how can they expect me to work wonders when half the day I canâ€™t see my fucking computer screen because the sun is shining on it too much. Before leaving for home, I dust off my CV.

I get home in time to find Phoebe on MSN. Her screen name is â€œJust Sad!â€?. Thatâ€™s not good. We talk for a bit and it is fantastic, did she stay behind at work to speak to me? I hope so.

Today is Ninaâ€™s birthday but I canâ€™t make it out, Iâ€™m not accepted by that clique. I need to bath and much more anyways. As I get in Denmark are already playing Italy. I love Denmark but the game is a bit of a snorer, save for heroics by Denmarkâ€™s keeper (being a fellow goalie I can appreciate his efforts, ho ho). Chris begins MSNing me and subsequently all attention is diverted away from the game. By now, the Sonic Youth DVD has made its way onto my tv, I just want to see a younger Kim Gordon in a pink catsuit in the My Friend Goo video.

I am still deep in MSN with Chris as Swedan v Bulgaria begins. No one fancies Bulgaria initially but they soon prove a troublesome test to Swedan. That wanker Ljungberg scores a faggy tap in just before half time and as expected Swedan begin to take the game. Henrik Larrson then quickly adds two goals and its proper bo Swedan. I donâ€™t really give this game my full attention either, Iâ€™m self conscious because I still have not bathed. Azmei sends me another text that I ignore, this time a multimedia message of a balloon saying â€œhiâ€?. Iâ€™m an arsehole. In the meantime Ibrahimovich scores a penalty struck equally as well as, if not better, than Zidaneâ€™s perfect penalty last night. And then a fifth flies in (Albecht) and Swedan look good. It is a fantastic evening, come 9.45 it is still satisfyingly light.

Sarah logs in on MSN and tries to contact me but I switch off, pressing the Appear Offline option (the little red man). Its all too much hassle for me at the moment, Iâ€™m losing to the will everything. Bed ways is best ways.