An online journal from perhaps the biggest, stupidest Tommy on all the internet.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

An Offer

Alright. Here's the deal.

I go back to work tomorrow, after being on vacation this week.

I work for 3 weeks, and then I go on vacation again.

Here's what I want.

How about one of you go in my place for the next three weeks?

I'll take those weeks off, and finish up some writing I'm trying to do.

Then, after those three weeks...and really, it's not even 3 weeks, it's like 18 days...that's like 2.5 weeks....I'm scheduled for that vacation, and after that vacation, I'll return to work, refreshed, renewed and reinvigorated after a five-week break?

You can have my salary.

That's the deal.

You can have my salary, for each of those days you work for me*.

You won't need a disguise. Get this: for years and years I scoffed at the whole idea that Clark Kent could hide behind a pair of glasses to disguise himself from the general public. Me? If I get a haircut, I'll have customers who've seen me at that store twice a week for the past four years come up and say to me "you must be new here."

They won't notice. Maybe shave yourself a baldspot. Other than that? You'll be good to go.

There are roughly 108 little things you have to do for my job, but to be really convincing, you just need to look vaguely frustrated, but not yell at customers. Remember: Do Not Yell at Customers!

I'm not going to feed you any stuff about the customer being right all the time. We could debate that mess until the cows come home and regale of us stories of their time away at Cow College (otherwise called The University of Tennessee). The customer isn't right. The customer is simply the customer. Treat them with respect. And if they are wrong? Tell them, politely.

Do not take your pants off! That's a rule, too. No matter how aggravated a customer gets you, do not take your pants off in front of them. For any reason. I know it's tempting. Just don't.

Anyway. You get my salary. I make some headway into this writing project. You get valuable experience working like a botard. I get to sleep when my body's biological rhythms tell me to sleep. Nobody takes their pants off in front of customers. I cannot stress how important this part is. Just don't do it.

It's win-win.

Any takers?

*In the interest of Full Disclosure: I make $1 per day, plus all the water I can drink.