He said to me that he needed to grieve. I suggested otherwise. You see, grief is absolutely about resistance. Grief is a fight against the loss, a refusal to accept or adapt to the change in our lives. Grief is a battle in the service of preserving our status quo. Adaptation occurs when we give up that fight and adjust to the change. We let go of what was and reach out for what is now.

Because we do not want to embrace this change, it is natural to fight it. And that is grief. But you know, some things are beyond our control. If we do not adapt, we will become exhausted and burn out. Our life energy will be lost.

So yes, grief sucks. The reason for it almost always sucks. We can hate the burden that it places on us. But, life asks that we keep moving and keep looking forward. There is more to enjoy ahead of us and more losses to come.It is a universal experience.​Breath deeply, quiet your struggle, and them put one foot forward.

There is much talk about the pursuit of happiness. We want to be happy, joyful. But too often happiness is like a cool breeze on a summer day. Feels great but does not hang around. And the heat is not cured by its passing by.

Instead, I recommend a focus on gratitude. Sometimes this is not an easy task as the positives might only be a silver lining. But when we look hard enough with an intention of finding some gratitude, something to be thankful for, the rewards can be substantial. This perspective is also, often, more under our control and is an active task instead of a more passive experiencing. Happiness can be too dependent on outside forces beyond our control and for which we can not fully take credit. Many think of their happiness as a materialistic possession. And it may be unstable whereas a grateful attitude can be taken anywhere.

I am not talking about positive thinking or optimism which is also important. But perhaps a thankful outlook brings positivity and optimism to us in a more natural and rewarding way.

I just viewed a video where the motivational speaker was quoting Darwin's Theory on "survival of the fittest (or strongest)". As in prior post, it continues to occur to me that evolution of the earth, our species and even the path of our own lives really depends on "survival of the most adaptive". Those who seek, embrace and welcome change tend to survive and thrive. Those who resist eventually burn out or die out.

Thoughtful adaptation can be quite productive and life giving. Not impulsive or reactive, not driven by stress. But reasoned and controlled change that allows us to flow with the natural courses of change around and within us.

"Who Moved my Cheese" was a best seller. It was about adapting to change.

From the Psychology Today website. Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes. Psychologists have identified some of the factors that make someone resilient, among them a positive attitude, optimism, the ability to regulate emotions, and the ability to see failure as a form of helpful feedback. Even after misfortune, resilient people are blessed with such an outlook that they are able to change course and soldier on.

As I read this description / definition I realize it is in line with many other definitions of resilience and what it takes to cope better with life’s ups and downs, with tragedy or loss or setbacks. But in identifying traits of people already resilient, I do not think it really gets to the heart of it. What really makes a difference.

So when a client asked me about how to become more resilient, “stronger”, I told them they would have to be more flexible, not tougher. Which trees withstand strong winds the best, the ones that bend, not necessarily the ones with thicker or stronger structure.

When change is forced on us, we resist and cling tightly to status quo, what we are used to and comfortable with. The familiar. We naturally grieve what is lost, as we should to be healthy. But then we adapt and embrace change and move into the ‘new normal’. If we do not, then the act of resistance begins to burn up energy, tire us out and wear us down.

To truly be resilient, we must practice flexibility, adapt to and embrace change, and actively participate in the new normal which is our life at that time. Consider yoga instead of weight lifting. Don't look to spring back, sprig forward.

Btw, when change is wanted then resiliency only comes into play when obstacles and problems arise. Not everything goes as planned and the ability to adapt is essential to ultimate success.

Goal

In this new blog I have added entries from a past website of mine and some new thoughts for your review ... and to hopefully give you something useful to think about. I look forward to hearing from you.