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Examination season is upon us! Except for me; I always pay someone else to take my exams. Being the helpful sort I am, I have compiled a series of pencil-chewing mock exam questions for you to try out. Hopefully you will find the exact same questions when you turn over your test paper!

You have three hours… no talking, eating or bleeding.

Good luck!

MATHEMATICS
1. Assuming an average erect penis is 5.25″, how many members of the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team would be able to sign their name on one penis before they run out of space?

2. A car is travelling at 130 kilometers per hour. A police officer has 6 minutes to wait before being served at the Tim Horton’s drive-thru. How long will it take for the cop to finish his coffee and apprehend the speeding car?

3. A Somali pirate has slashed your throat after seizing control of your ship.
Assuming a bleed rate of 58ml of blood per second, how many minutes will you wreathe on the floor in agony before succumbing to your injury?

4. An Amsterdam prostitute charges €50 an hour for services rendered. At an exchange rate of €1 to $1.37, calculate the cost of a 7 minute blow.

5. Scholars insist 3 into 7 won’t go. Make it go.

HISTORY
1. Did the 19th Century Chartist movement represent a major challenge to the English political system? Or was it all just a bit gay?

2. “Peas in our time.” Discuss the political impact of frozen vegetables on the 1948 Berlin Blockade.

3. The construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza – How dey do dat?

4. With reference to the socio-economic hypothesis presented in Das Kapital, if Karl Marx was an ice cream, what flavour would he be?

5. Explain the main issues behind the Great Papal Schism of the 14th Century, in a French accent.

PHILOSOPHY
1. Meat Loaf would do anything for love, but won’t do that. Explain what you think that thing is he won’t do.

2. “‘Tis is better for a man to be noble and impotent, than be ignoble and have a really hard cock.” Discuss.

3. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Explain.

4. “You’ll be saying ‘Wow’ every time you use it.” Examine this statement a) in relation to ancient Greek Sophist theory and b) with reference to Aristotle’s assertion that a Zorbeez was a lot better at mopping up cola spills.

5. Why is Richard Simmons? Discuss.

BUSINESS STUDIES1. Your business can save $1,000,000 a year by transferring production to an African sweatshop. Give five reasons why having small children working in your factory is actually for their own good.

2. A competitor has copied your product and has flooded the market with a cheap imitation. Explain how to counter the threat using a) revised marketing strategies b) legal action and c) a dirty hooker and a video camera.

3. Wholesaler #1 has 55 grams of poor quality Kush, whereas Wholesaler #2 is offering 28 grams of premium Moroccan hash. The wholesale price for both is $13 per gram. Assess the best value deal for your clients.

4. Customer profiling reveals that 57% of your customers are male, aged 35-50, with a preference for large hairy men. Explain how this will affect your forthcoming advertising campaign.

Time’s up, pencils down. So how did you do? I’m guessing not so well.
Don’t despair, hopeless exam flunkers! Trump your tests the Tiggy way, with my new study guide Math, Marx and Meat Loaf – only $19.95, available from all good pet stores.

Global oil prices have rocketed, food is now a luxury and we’re all going to freeze to death this winter. Fortunately, I’ve been giving this some thought and come up with some energy saving tips to help you through these dark days of global crisis and misery. You’ll help save the environment, but more importantly you’ll have extra money to spend on essentials like cake and video games.

- Save on outrageous heating bills by installing a herd of cows in your basement. The warmth created by their bulky bodies and frequent urination will fill the house with radiant heat and also provide you with a source of free cream and leather goods.

- Install a hot tub. This may not sound very green, but you can utilize its soothing bubbles to wash dishes, dirty clothes and bathe the whole family – all at the same time! You can probably buy eco-friendly hot tubs with solar panels and wind turbines or something.

- Reduce energy bills by junking unnecessary and wasteful gadgets like your computer. Recreate the fun of the internet by making your own ‘green’ web pages using newspaper clippings, catalogues and porn magazines. You can even create your own offensive spam messages!

- Can’t afford food? Simply seek out free fodder by following the masters of the free lunch – rats. Join them for a feast of leftover pizza, filet-o-fish burgers and cigarette butts at their favourite dumpster. The local duck pond is also a good source for bread and home-baked goodies.

- Hypermile. Elderly drivers have been using this gas saving technique for years. Simply drive everywhere at 20mph and slipstream by driving 5 inches behind the car in front. Turn off your engine at every intersection and red traffic light.

With the money saved by hypermiling, you too can afford to buy a huge motor home and drive it very slowly around Florida

- Conserve water by flushing the toilet less – leave the bathroom only after completing all necessary functions for the day (including bladder, solid waste and any other desired expulsions). It may take a while, but just remember you’re also helping to save dolphins or whatever. Better still, wait until you are at work to perform your morning ablutions – it may not save water but it won’t be on your utility bill.

You could save even more money by not going to work at all. You can now spend your days in the hot tub eating discarded fish burgers and recreating internet porn. Although the drop in income means you cannot pay your electricity bill, look on the bright side – you couldn’t afford it when you had a job so you’ve lost nothing. Happy days!

Are you stressed out, under pressure and short of time at work? Or are there days when your ‘In’ tray stays empty and the hours drag on until home time?

You’re not being lazy – there is nothing to do. Not even dull stuff. How can you look busy and avoid being labelled a slacker by your boss? I’ve come up with a few tips to help you waste time while looking productive.

Paper Mountains - The must-have desk accessory for those toil-free days. Scatter files, letters and other meaningless junk across your desk. Make your own paper mountains by rescuing items from the recycle bin or photocopying old reports. Shuffle, staple and hole-punch these paper props whenever the boss walks by.

Internet - The timewaster’s best friend. If co-workers can see your monitor, hide your browser behind an Excel spreadsheet so you can toggle between the two to avoid suspicion. Look slightly pained as you surf – you are not poking your friend on Facebook, you are working out a very complicated equation.

Phone Calls - Mask personal calls as business conversations. Tell your friends to ask questions you can only answer with a yes or no. Using your best business voice, respond “Yes…yes. No.” in a professional manner, throwing in random comments about sales figures. You can chat away to your buddies and look productive at the same time.

Have a Stroll - Don’t wander about aimlessly, but take a random document from your paper mountain and march around the office pretending to look for someone. Make sure they’re out – you don’t want to run into them and have to explain why you’re bringing them a stationary invoice from 1987. If your workplace is expansive you can walk around for hours. If not, have a walk around the company next door.

Caffeine - Waste valuable time at the coffee machine as you ponder the brew selections and stuff sugar packets into your pockets. Work in several trips to the water cooler and you’re well on your way to 5pm. Think of the extra time you’ll waste rushing to the washroom after all that fluid.

Meetings - Use these communal time wasting sessions to your advantage. Arrive early and scribble furiously in your notebook during the meeting (obviously you will be writing your novel, not taking notes). Ask the speaker lots of questions at the end to avoid returning to your desk – you’re doing them a favour by wasting their time too.

Desk Games - Who has the stupidest name in the phone book? How many paperclips can you stack? If you take your mouse apart, will it work when you put it back together?

Start Smoking - How come nicotine addicts can slope off and indulge their habit whenever they like? If drinkers and stoners were afforded the same privilege, time wasting would be much easier (and hazier). If you don’t want to start smoking, just go outside anyway and tell your fellow smokers you’re on the patch but can’t shake the smoke break ritual.

Get Another Job - If you spend every day making paperclip towers, wandering the corridors looking for invisible people and hiding in the washroom, it’s time to quit. Your employers are wasting your valuable time.

Life is too short to be doing a non-job, unless you really enjoy spending your day doing nothing useful. In which case you should have followed your parents’ advice and become a lawyer.

Good to see Heathrow Airport’s new Terminal Five get off to a flying start. Lost baggage, confused staff and crashing computers caused long delays for crowds of suffering holidaymakers. Sounds like T5 is running normally already.

As a frequent prisoner of Terminal Hell, I’ve come up with a few tips to ease your Departure Lounge delirium.

Worrying Rash – Get to the front of the massive check-in line by making a call to the Centre for Infectious Diseases to find out if your test results are in yet.

Buggy Run – Electric airport buggies look fun to drive, so borrow one for an hour. Charge kiddies $1 each to go on your Magical Mystery Airport Tour, or charge them $2 each to have a burnout contest.

Air Scare – Amuse yourself scaring passengers at the observation deck by shouting “Oh my God! That plane’s not gonna make it! Oh… it’s in the air now, phew. Oh my God! Is that smoke coming from the engine? No, wait… it’s just a cloud.” Hours of fun (until you are escorted from the building by Security).

I’m Not Spartacus – Entertain crowds of bored travellers by inviting them to remake famous movies with your video camera. You will have enough bodies to remake Spartacus or Gladiator in the Departure Lounge.

Gimme an ‘R’ – Pretend you are a rock star. Buy a pair of Duty Free shades and walk closely behind a security guard to make it look like he is protecting you from hordes of screaming fans. Wave to people randomly, shouting “Rock and Roll!” and talk loudly on the phone to Axl about the sound check for the Rio gig.

Drunk Rock – Tell a hapless-looking bartender your rock band drank all the booze in the Executive Lounge so you have to sit at the common people’s bar. Your manager will take care of the bill after he coaxes Axl off the Departure Lounge roof. You’ll give them your autograph in exchange for a Rye on the Rocks.

Stinky Sweet – If you cannot find a seat to lay your weary head, visit the Duty Free store and spray on as many powerful perfumes as you can. In no time you will have a whole row of seats to yourself, if not the whole lounge.

Of course once you are released from the Terminal holding pen, you will again be trapped inside a flying chamber of horrors, and still hours away from your holiday destination.
Next year, go camping.