Monday, July 10, 2017

One Month Closer

One month ago, I was holding Lucas for the first time. I'm so grateful labor was long enough that the horrors of yesterday are separate from the joys of today. Because, holding Lucas was pure joy. Delivering him, helping him into his first and only diaper, kissing his sweet forehead, reading him his first book...these are the moments that make me feel like his mommy. And I can celebrate that today.

I thought for a long time about what I'd like to do for today. Yesterday was miserable, reliving the moment we learned he was gone over and over again. But today? Well, it's still so difficult of course, there is still so much pain surrounding the memories. The quiet of his birth, the lack of monitors beeping, the smiles on the doctor's/nurse's face. But through it all, there is immeasurable joy. Because our time together was so special, full of such great memories. Memories we knew would need to last us a lifetime, and so we absorbed every second of our time together. And I can sit here today and look back through our pictures, and remember his sweet little face. And how ridiculous it was the he had a unibrow at 23.5 weeks. And that a nearly 1 pound baby could have a little chub to his cheeks. Oh, he was so cute.

So, I imagined what we would have done today if he survived. If he was fighting it out in the NICU today. Well, for the boys, we bought them presents - clothes, a new book to read as we sat together in the NICU, and some special things for their room. At 1 month old, we finally began to think of decorating their room. But Lucas is gone, and doesn't need those things. But...maybe another little boy would. Maybe another little boy born today would appreciate a surprise blessing. So, we headed to the store. And I took a few deep breaths and headed into the baby boy section. And together, the kids and I picked out some special items for a baby boy we would never know, including a pink plaid romper that Dean absolutely loved. If it came in 4T he might have gotten one.

And then we did the most difficult part. We walked into the hospital, past the triage room, past the memories of the gut wrenching cries I let out, down the hall of labor and deliver. And we handed everything over to the nurses with tears in our eyes, with tears in their eyes. Then we walked out. The ride down the elevator was the hardest part, remembering it all too well, when I made that trip after handing over my son.

So today, I am 1 month closer. One month closer to be reunited for forever with my sweet Lucas. And Reagan. And Reagan's twin. Half of my children are gone. I pray they would be proud of us, that they would always know how much we love and miss them. My dear Lucas - Mommy misses you more than words could ever express. My heart breaks at knowing all the moments I will miss, all the while knowing that you are loved and cared for beyond what I can fathom.