Worst Kid’s Show Ever

January 13, 2010

Are you mad at your children? Are traditional forms of punishment not punitive enough to alter their behavior? Then let me introduce you to the worst children’s program ever filmed and set loose upon humanity: The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson.

Now, we could probably deconstruct this thing all day. From the “theology”, to the music, to the puppeteer (visible at times), or the production value; however, watching it was probably more than you could stand already so I’ll keep it brief.

How about Chip The Black Boy? “My ex-wife left me for another man and he has her on crack cocaine, and it really hurts.” So the young lad in this children’s program has an ex-wife? Really… wow. The child, the young boy, has an ex, and she’s on crack? I’ll tell you who’s on crack: the dude that wrote this thing.

Right around the panda song is when kids will start weeping and pleading for the television to be turned off. Don’t cave in. Discipline calls for a consistent hand. Make them listen to the whole song, and then inform them that if they ever do said action again that you are punishing them for, you will make them watch the video twice. Your child will never, ever misbehave in that fashion again. You win.

The Panda has one-eye, comes to life, and then dies at the end of his song… which is appropriate because I died a little inside while watching.

Just in case you think the writer and producer had an “off day” with the above episode here’s another little tune by Mr. Grey Spaceman singing “Mother Evening Jehovah Prayer”. How about just one sentence where Mr. Grey’s mouth moves in time with the words? No? OK.

Off course, there’s an alien singing this song; otherwise, it just wouldn’t make sense.

I won’t scar my kids with this, but once when we were in Nova Scotia I flipped on Treehouse for the kids while I put away our clothes. After a few minutes of a surreal show my oldest said, “dad, can you turn that off, it’s freaking me out.” I imagine I’d get the same response from this.