Saturday, April 4, 2015

It's just a small thought - or a thought that makes me feel small? - but I don't really get this thing about human relationships. I don't get a lot of things about them.

For some, I sit around wondering what the point of it is, like it's a blunt instrument staring me in the face, and I'm really curious about what it thinks it's going to accomplish. Nope. You're blunt as a wheel. And yet at other times it's all I want.

I leave the room cause it's too noisy, I space out cause I'm too tired, I don't speak cause I'm raging. I speak to 'the rest' instead of 'the one' because I'm afraid of conflict, and I'd rather do anything but confront. And when people ask me what's wrong? It's nothing. Nothing's wrong. I'm just tired, irritated, or having a headache. That's just the way it is; all systems functioning. When something is wrong, I won't even be there. I'm good at escape.

And just about people in general - there is so much more than what we normally do. At times things feel so limited. Why must we only be one thing? And must we only be one thing? It feels like such a waste. If it's a matter of what we're comfortable with, then I suppose all we need is courage - my mom's favorite word, which can make me feel like crap.

I think people can also be hypocrites about anything. Maybe that's a harsh term for my sentiments. And yes, I can think in strange phrases, which I don't bother filtering when I type, because what's the point?
(What's the point of being submissive all the time? No, I won't throw your trash. Such a waste of life. I think ward rounds in surgery made me more impatient. Just kidding. I was thinking this before that.)

Yes, I know many times we don't mean it when we say one thing and do another, or vice versa. That doesn't solve anything, though? Saying sorry doesn't really do anything about that stab wound, does it? I don't think I'm losing faith in people, which is good because I'm not sure I have that much anyway. But the fact that we can lie to others and ourselves without even realizing it just makes me feel sad.

Am I going to say the same thing I've always said, that I've said so much? Self examine more? I wonder. Maybe live a bit more. Make a few mistakes. Piss a few people off. Love your loved ones more. I don't know what works. But it's definitely not what we're told works.