Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Blog Rulez

So after Company magazine has released their "Blogger edition" today, it seems that a lot of bloggers are up in arms over the "Shitblogz.com" part of the mag.

And I'm not even going into them playing it safe, with the same bloggers that pop up everywhere, I'm sure they are lovely but there are a LOT of fresh voices out there that could also be heard.

So here for those that care, are MY blog RULEZ.

Firstly, be young. That is like TOTES important right? I don't care how you do it, but NO-ONE likes to look at wrinkles. It is what Instagram filters were invented for, if you are over 22. USE them. Capiche?

Secondly, bloggers, know your role in the world, stick to light fluffy pieces about fashion, pose prettily and hush your mouth. You know it makes sense. Play nicely bloggers and maybe we will throw a sparkly badge your way.

Check you are female. Coz male bloggers are nasty, and quite frankly, you smell.

Don't get above your station. You want to be Queen of the blogging world? How arrogant are you? Wanting to make your teeny online diary better? No sparkly badge for you.

Dress to impress. Because the only blogs that count are fashion ones, oh and make-up ones when we can't make the numbers. Oh and if you think you may be ugly. blog about shoes or something. no-one wants to see your face.

- Ombre or dip dye hair in a precision top know (tweeted as a pic with caption 'omg i'm such a state today')

- Apple everything. If you're not taking pictures on your ipad, loading them onto your macbook pro to edit then sending then to your iphone to instagram, you're a nobody. After all, you cannot write things on the internet without £5,000 of shiny toys.

- If you're a male blogger, you better be gay. Because if you're straight and interested in grooming and fashion that's (quote) 'like totes awks'

- Deny having any motivation for free stuff. THEN blag all the free stuff you can, sell it on ebay, drink all the free booze at events and demand a goody bag. Because you blog for the love of it. Not for freebies.

- It's about the content not stats. Thanks PR company, so why do you want a full stats breakdown then?

Repeatedly ask when you start getting the free stuff, Make duckface a lot while wearing oversized Zooey Deschanel glasses and make sure you never, EVER forget to instagram a meal. Or a cup of coffee. Or an apple. Or dust. And don't let a silly thing like a paragraph get in the way of a nice post about a very expensive faux-vintage teacup birdcage floral thing. No need to learn the difference between Your and You're either, nobody will notice because they'll be too busy looking at your fabulous lashes.

Great post Kelly! I guess I was doomed from the start...almost 43 bald, 5'4'' mannnnnnnnnnnn!!! I did take a shower last night, so I do not smell toooooooo bad today!! LOL Always enjoy reading what you come of with!!! I am comfortable in my own skin, and that is what countttttttttttttttts!! Jim :))))

Be 19, live with your parents, spend your student loan on designer handbags, get the Michael Kors watch, wear impractical shoes, be incapable of parsing anything correctly, be unaware of sentence structure, be whimsical at all times, wear clashing patterns designed to give a migraine to any passing normal person, take photos of everything and post them to tumblr/instagram/facebook and twitter all at the same time, call everyone babes, think youtube subscribers are the same as "fans", live your entire life online, wonder what the hell to do with your life when you turn 22 therefore over the hill.

I need to get the magazine to see what all the fuss is about. I'm probably guilty of doing quite a lot of 'typical blogger' things but unfortunately I don't have the time to turn my loves of cats and photography via my phone into a job (or the desire, for that matter) xoxo

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