Screenshots

And behold, it’s such a huge dose of comic relief that you made it to the 21st century where the screenshot is one of the most used technology and deleting history is more important than making history. Screenshot is the new way to pirate illicit revelations and propagate endless chunks of humor with a credit note that acknowledges theft and felony, mostly used as a footnote that humbly declares, “#STOLEN” as the valid citation.

Screenshot has given birth to a generation of assholes. People who will talk you crazy just so they can show others. You will want to send a raunchy text to your wife on Whatsapp about how you plan on sprucing up your love life by eating each other like groceries that evening, but the message will safely land on a highly religious Whatsapp group in the full glare of staunch Christians. Before you can take back your words and apologize for having a profound sexual appetite, the message will have attracted a whopping 250 screenshots and a staggering figure of forwards. Your apology might as well be accepted but your intended private message to your love nest will spread like bush fire in the savanna. A moment of silence to Brother Ocholla who is one of the victims of this irreparable atrocity.

Whatever you write on Whatsapp will be used against you, thanks to screenshots which capture the contents of your brain in colorful visual presentations and inscriptions of chats. Yes, Whatsapp gives you the double blue ticks to track how your message is fairing. What they don’t tell you is that your message was sent, received, seen, ignored, screenshot and sent to others for further ridicule.

Do you have old conversations stashed somewhere in the heart of your smartphone and dumb past? Some reading…

“Babe I can’t live without you, I will never leave you no matter what. “

You are currently single so instead of feeling like a miserable looser you laugh your lungs out. You remember how naïve you were back then and you immediately roll on the floor erupting a rapturous laughter.
Digging deeper into the conversation you read a part where you promised your girlfriend the world. You are shocked! How could you in your right mental state promise your girlfriend the world! Where would all the rest of us live? You reckon that not only were you gullible back then but also stinking stingy to the rest of the world. You want to accept that whenever things start going well in your life, the devil comes along and gives you a girlfriend.

Then you bump onto another conversation which was more of a bedtime story that bruised your ego so tragically …

“What are you doing?” You ask her.

Her: Lying in bed.

“Just lying in bed… nothing else?”

Her: Am drinking wine

“What would you do if I was in bed next to you?” *inserts a naughty wink emoji*

Her: I would drink my wine

“LOL! I mean if the wine wasn’t there”

Her: I would go buy wine.

Silence.

This was a brutal conversation that ushered you into this cruel screenshot world! At this point you are convinced that most, if not all females, have 365 screenshot quotes waiting in their album ready to be posted when shit goes down.

Last year there was a heated debate on twitter when a lady threw a potential suitor under the bus with a single screenshot, without an iota of remorse. The guy was probably tirelessly looking for a wife after having enough of the free Wi-Fi offered at the Orange Telcom shop where he worked. A customer walks in and in his hospitality while assisting the feminine client, the guy retrieves her number (without her knowledge) and later texts her in a bid to initiate banter. The lady takes a screenshot almost immediately ready to present her case to the high court of Twitter. The lady values her privacy more than making babies and compliments from strangers. Heck she doesn’t give a deafening hoot if the guy will lose his job for sliding into his inbox which is housed in a number that is highly confidential and a breach of the same would cause national insecurity. Her number was violated and this made her heart bleed so bad, she had to tell the whole world her predicament through a screenshot of the chat released on social media showing the guys number to all and sundry as she complains about how her number has been compromised by an Orange Employee. The irony.

Texts are replacing real constructive conversions, and this is what has degenerated into small talk. Its ladies first everywhere but you wonder why ladies won’t text first. When you text a “girl”, she will screenshot and seek attention, when you text a “lady”, she will politely put you off while keeping the private conversation under wraps. Relationships are for two people but some people are bad in mathematics. Unless polygamy prevails. Speaking of which, Solomon had 700 wives and cheated on them with 300 concubines; your man cheats on you with one lady and we can’t have an everlasting world peace in this country?

Concubines are not even the problem, ‘blue ticks’ is now the leading cause of relationship problems. Grown ass men and love sick fellas are the most affected by this blue tick menace. They don’t realize no message is also a message. Guys will be worried sick why their message is not being replied without realizing it is for the same reason jobs don’t call you back when you do not meet criteria. And what’s wrong with not replying some texts, I mean I can’t talk to you today, I already talked to two people yesterday.

Subliminal talks are thriving on whatsapp and whatsapp groups sometimes feels like a busy open market selling broccoli yet all you want to consume is some fine ass cabbage. You are added to a group and the first ritual for a thanksgiving you make is mute the group because leaving the group is tantamount to a torturous death sentence. The group admin knows where you live and no sooner had you left the group than he called you and told you..

“I will find you, I will kill you and everyone you’ve ever met.” Chills down your spine follow. What nerve!

Screenshots is the new copy and paste which even saves many the trouble of typing borrowed jokes. Everyone wants to be a funny clown who generates top notch memes that makes you want to scratch your intestines, appendix and the underbelly of your ribs amidst raucous laughter. Others just want to be entertained while taking endless screenshots, stashing them in their phones, locking their phone gallery and making their Instagram account private. But who bewitched those who make their Instagram account private? Instagram was made to share pictures then you make it private? You can as well keep the photos in your gallery and check them out yourself.

And by the way, why are people complaining about Whatsapp stories, it won’t affect you if you don’t use it.