Jersey Shore: Padding The Ugly Truth

SNEAKY DICKENS

Jersey Shore: Padding The Ugly Truth

By Karen Malmquist

JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT THE SITUATION COULDN’T BE MORE SQUEAMISH ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP with human hot air balloon Paula, the gang discovers she’s got a secret hiding in her pants. Yep, just a typical night in Seaside Heights (RIP Seaside Heights) on Thursday’s Jersey Shore!

Deena is still a rolling meatball of emotion, crying that she needs to go home. It’s possible that she hasn’t been fully sober for the past three days, so what she really needs is to take it down a notch.

Vinny and Pauly try to convince her to just sleep it off and that she’ll feel better, and then Vinny takes her outside to try and calm her down some more. The others talk in the living room about Deena’s behavior lately, and then Ronnie decides to call Deena’s mom. He explains that Deena really doesn’t need to come home, despite what she may have said, but her parents are already on their way.

Vinny takes Deena back inside and gives her some chips before the gang heads out to Karma without her. She seems like she’s calmed down and is ready to go to bed. Or at least, she’s stopped barking at everyone. She may not fully know where she is.

Deena’s parents arrive with food for everyone in the house. They sit her down and try to reason with her. She insists that she’s just drinking because she’s having fun, but her mom thinks she needs to see a therapist. “But no, mom! I don’t need a psychologist! I was just being a meatball!” Yeah, a psychologist would see nothing wrong with that statement. Actually, they might assume she’s having a profound existential crisis.

After the parents are reassured that Deena’s okay, they say goodbye and tell her to stay out of trouble. Deena somehow goes to bed without touching the casserole they left for the house. Really, Deena? You’re drunk and you’re turning down a home-cooked meal that the roommates will surely finish on their own? Maybe you do need professional help.

At Karma, Mike is being a “sneaky dickens,” according to Ronnie. Basically, he’s loving the attention from other girls at the club. Mike insists that he’s not technically cheating if he’s just flirting, but Jenni comes over to break up the scene, telling the girls that he’s got a girlfriend. Mike doesn’t understand why letting girls grind up on him is a bad thing. He is also over 30, so if he hasn’t figured it out by now, he never will.

Vinny, who previously said he was going to be celibate while down at the shore, manages to bring a girl home. She was pretty friendly at the club, but now she’s not really putting out. In his interview, Vinny thanks god that at least his hand won’t let him down. Several minutes later, I realize what he means by that.

MVP goes shopping for all the food in Seaside, so they can have a big fancy family barbeque. Of course, it’s not a family dinner without everyone making d*ck jokes about the hotdogs. The roommates then tell Mike that grinding up on other girls at Karma is a bad thing when you have a girlfriend. Mike insists that he cares a lot about Paula, no doubt secretly hoping the guys would go back to making penis jokes so they’ll stop reminding him he has a girlfriend.

After dinner, Jenni asks Deena if she wants to have some Pinnacle Whipped and orange juice, but Deena says no, she needs a break. Sam tells Deena that she doesn’t want her to keep having a rough time, and lets her know that she’s been a little frustrating lately. On that note, it’s time for everyone to go to bed.

Deena and Sam are still in the kitchen, and Sam decides to keep being honest. She tells her that she really loves Deena and that she’s always going to be there for her, but everyone in the house is worried about her relationship with Chris. They think that she’s got the whole middle child syndrome thing, that when she can’t have her boyfriend she changes for the worst, and is a little too focused on herself. Deena is mad, and says in her confessional that a friend wouldn’t be like that to her.

Nicole, Jenni, and Sam are late for work the next morning, but Jenni takes the blame. As she begins to apply her makeup in one of the store mirrors, Danny tries to figure out how to get her to actually do her job. He makes a deal with her, that if she can sell 108 shot glasses, she can go home early, or she can stay until they’re all sold. She decides to put in a little effort, and manages to sell them in time for her to bail early.

Back at home, Mike and Deena plan a double date on the boardwalk with their respective mates. This date hasn’t even started yet, and America is already feeling secondhand embarrassment for everyone involved.

The girls are finally off work, and head to the boardwalk on the way home. Nicole spots a claw arcade machine that’s broken, and opens it to steal a giant stuffed leopard. She starts to get nervous when she sees a cop walking around, so she quickly scampers off with her new friend. And to think two years ago, her craziest moment only involved her getting arrested for trying to swim to England with her purse and a watermelon in hand.

Chris comes over before their date, and he lets Deena know that she’s not clingy at all, but it’d be nice if she didn’t insist on calling him at 4am all the time. He seems like a real trooper.

Paula arrives, and then the four of them head out to dinner. Mike seems a little embarrassed every time Paula opens her mouth, as she goes on about food babies and whatnot. She then reveals that she’s been arrested before, but that’s all she’ll say about it. Umm…? Perhaps that’s all she says because she already forgot what she was talking about mid-sentence. But she seems like she has a heart of gold.

Paula and Deena go outside for a smoke, and Mike asks Chris for some advice. He clearly hasn’t been in a relationship in a long time, and asks if things will get better. Wow, they’re off to a great start! He thinks Paula’s too comfortable, while she’s outside with Deena, telling her about how it’s great that she can be so open with Mike. After dinner, they go on some rides together, and Paula for some reason flashes the “shocker” hand signal to everyone. You can actually see Mike’s soul leaving his body.

When they all get home, they tell the other roommates about their double date. They talk some more about the whole “shocker” thing. Mike is visibly embarrassed, and tells Paula, in front of everyone, that he just “chocks it all up” to Paula being Paula. Awkward. Thank god the cabs have arrived.

After everyone leaves, Nicole, Ron, and Sam hang back and talk about how it was rude of Mike to tell Paula that he basically prefers her sitting quietly with a smile on her face.

At Karma, the boys do their own thing, while the girls shake their groove things with an old lady. Deena’s excited because she’s like a old little meatball, and has her do the Jersey Turnpike move. The lady bends over, and it looks like she’s fallen on the floor. Deena’s worried, until the woman immediately shoots up into a handstand and continues to bust a move in front of the entire club. When she gets up, Paula runs over and gives her a hug. Paula may just think she’s hugging Deena, but it’s still a nice moment.

When they all get home, as Mike heads upstairs to get in the shower, Paula reveals that she wears butt pads. She then tells everyone about some really dirty sex positions, except they’re so raunchy that the amount of bleeps let us know nothing. Something smells like cake, and there’s Superman involved, and Nicole is suspiciously quiet through the whole conversation.

Mike comes back downstairs, and the guys joke about everything Paula told them. Mike is speechless. In his interview, Pauly declares that Mike hates Paula, and hates his life. But hey, at least he gets to see Vinny wearing one of Paula’s butt pads like a yarmulke!

Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.