"​The difference between the life experience for neurotypical people and neurodivergent people with anxiety is that for us, the anxious feeling is constant."

Guest blogger this week is my daughter, Carly Boudreau. Today she is sharing her perspective to help shed light on what it's like to live with chronic anxiety.

There are plenty of subjects regarding depression and anxiety that I think are underrepresented in discussions thereof, far too many to list or count. But one unacknowledged symptom in particular has been on my mind lately. It affects me, it affects my friends, and it even mildly affects those who aren’t sick at all. I’m talking about self focus.

I wrote to my friend about it recently and she told me the word I’d used initially, “narcissism,” was too harsh. “Narcissism” evokes images of self aggrandizement, selfishness, and delusions of grandeur. But the image I want to convey is one I’m positive most people have experienced on one level or another.

What Self Focus Is Like for a Neurotypical Person

​Imagine you’re a researcher scheduled to speak at a panel, or a guest speaker at a church, or a high schooler giving a presentation. The anxiety therein is understandable. Everyone will be focused on you. You’re in center stage with the spotlight on you. Now think of the first day at a new school, the first time you tried to talk to someone you had a crush on, going to a fancy dress event you didn’t feel confident in attending. It feels similar, but why?

This is what I mean by “self focus.” Even in situations where the world isn’t actually watching us, it sometimes feels as though if we slip, everyone will see us fall.

What Self Focus Is Like for a Neurodivergent Person

​The difference between the life experience for neurotypical people and neurodivergent people with anxiety is that for us, the anxious feeling is constant. Mental illness is a bubble engulfing you that’s so large you can’t even begin to see outside it, and all you have left to focus on is yourself.

​When I go out to meet with people, I spend hours ahead of time fretting over how I’ll mess it up. When I write for people to read, I’m terrified of the catastrophic effects it will have, that I’m doing it wrong and people will notice.

On especially bad days I’ve been known to forget how to walk properly and I have to manually move my feet, because what if I’m doing it wrong? Will people notice? I am hyper aware of myself at all times and that means I assume others are as well.

The World Spins On: My Personal Revelation

​One of the most comforting things I’ve ever experienced was going through a minor existential crisis. I know, that doesn’t make sense, but bear with me. The baseline of an existential crisis is “Nothing you do matters.” Roll that one over in your mind for a minute. No matter what I do, the world spins on. It doesn’t matter if I tripped and fell in public, it doesn’t matter I said something awkward, it doesn’t matter I couldn’t behave “normally” on one day or another. Strangers don’t care about me! My mild slip up will not affect their life and it shouldn’t affect mine either.

The world spins on. It’s liberating to think about. But, I had to come to that revelation myself, after a long period of introspection.

​It’s not a subject that gets talked about, because it’s a hard topic to tackle from all sides and for all parties involved. I had to sort through my fears alone and even now it’s not easy to make the lesson stick in my mind, because fear is hard to conquer when it stems from messed up chemical reactions.

​The self focus is still there, and it makes me feel selfish and broken a lot of days.

How To Help

​I wish I could give advice on how to counteract that voice. I wish I could tell you “do X, Y, and Z and it will shut off that voice forever.” But unfortunately it isn’t that easy.

All I can say is to please be understanding when we’re fearful.

Remind us gently that we aren’t the center of the world.

Be a safety net so we feel less fearful of walking that tightrope between chronic anxiety and the bravery and effort it takes to push through it.

Remind us that we're likable, lovable, and remember that we aren’t bad for thinking mostly of our own perceptions.

​Because at the end of the day, we aren’t selfish or evil or even self centered. We’re just sick.

"Dealing with the judgment [from the church] was almost as hard as dealing with my son!"- Mother of a child with a diagnosis

Once again I had a conversation with a mother of a child with a diagnosis. Her son is now a young adult, and wants nothing to do with the church. He has hidden disabilities and was considered a behavioral nightmare throughout his childhood years.

Predictably, his mother shared how she is still dealing with the vestiges of bitterness left over from fielding the judgments of her peers and leaders from church... judgements against her son, and judgements against her parenting.

"Dealing with the judgment was almost as hard as dealing with my son!"

It's true. I experienced the same dynamic during those difficult years. It's a lament shared by many parents raising children with hidden disabilities.

Dear Church, Remember These Truths

​I want to remind the church of a few truths.

Christ died for us while we were sinners. (Romans 5:8) It's easy to have vision for "good people" to come to Christ. But the truth is, God doesn't just come for really nice, well adjusted people. He came for all of us, even those of us who are dreadfully broken, and emotionally unhealthy, and egads, even those of us who may parent poorly. So even if every single negative assumption you have made about my parenting is true, I am the object of God's attention, affection, compassion and love. As such, I should be yours too.

Christ Himself, the One who never sinned, didn't come into the world to condemn it. He came so that through Him, the world might be saved. (John 3:17) The focus is on offering a nail scarred hand up. Jesus came to destroy the works of the enemy, and you share Christ's mandate. (1 John 3:8)

Among other things the works of the enemy include marginalization, exclusion, the voice of accusation, diminishment and demoralization sown into the lives of entire families coping with hidden disabilities.

How will you serve to offer a hand up and destroy the works of the enemy?

Much truth has been written about positive thinking and its power to change the way we act. Even so, the power of positive thinking is a watered down weapon of warfare against Satan, a dull sword in a combatant’s hands against a lethal enemy who will stop at nothing less than your annihilation. Your greatest spiritual weapon of offense is not positive thinking but the Sword of the Spirit, the Word of God (Ephesians 6:17). With it in your mind and heart, as well as on your lips, you are able to stand firm when the enemy on the outside or the lies within attack.

At times I feel isolated and cut off from God’s restorative presence. When these times come, I combat the lie of helplessness with the sword of truth, which says I am the temple of God whose Spirit lives in me twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, regardless of circumstances (1 Corinthians 3:16). When I am attacked with the lie that today’s failures make me particularly odious to God, my sword strikes back with the sharp-edged declaration that my life is “a Christ-like fragrance rising up to God” (2 Corinthians 2:15).\​You see, time spent reading and meditating on the Word of God is not merely a spiritual discipline or one more brick to add to your trudging load, another area where you can fall under its weight. Instead, consuming the Word provides nourishing truth and life to your innermost being, life that defeats the lies of the enemy.

From Toppling the Idol of Ideal: Raising Children with Hidden Disabilities, Chapter 4, The Battle.

This morning I’m not feeling alone, even though technically our circumstances have not changed since yesterday. My daughter is still unemployed. But we have a path forward. ​

﻿Isolation is something parents raising children with disabilities face. I know this situation well, and recently discovered a helpful online resource that has the potential to help you connect to people and resources in your local community.

I am not affiliated with them in any way. I'm just sharing what I experienced so that it might help you.

This past week, in an attempt to help my daughter find suitable employment, I turned to Nextdoor, a private social network where posts are made to your own neighborhood. I was surprised and encouraged by how quickly people in my own community responded to help me.​

A woman responded thanking me for the gracious and honorable way I described my daughter.

Another told me where her nephew with autism had found work.

One woman promised to explore opportunities in her place of work.

A man called and talked with me candidly for an hour about his own hidden disabilities and how his life and career have been impacted through the years. He now teaches vocations and invited us to explore educational options through his contacts.​

Another offered a job lead. Yet another shared where we could sign up for help with job leads for adults with disabilities.

One family shared how their daughter with similar disabilities was at the same juncture in life and also struggling.

Another offered to pass our need on to her contacts. She is an ADHD life coach, a woman with ADHD herself. Who knew such a thing existed? She described her profession like this:

“We are life coaches specifically trained to work with people affected by ADHD symptoms...Which is not the same as traditional life coaching. We work on systems and strategies to manage the challenges presented by this unique brain wiring. Beginning with helping them understand why areas like organization, time management, relationships, communication, etc...Are challenging to begin with...”

About Melanie

Two of our three children have Tourette's Syndrome as well as a few other co-morbidities, inherited neuropsychiatric disorders. I'm still happily married, love life and want to share encouragement bringing hope, humor and insight into the process of raising children who are different.