Criticism Part I: The Harmfulness of Criticism

If I were asked to identify the most common problem presented to me in three decades of therapeutic work with children and families, my answer would be unequivocal: "As parents, we are, unwittingly, too critical of our children."

This statement has surprised some of my colleagues and is at odds with conventional wisdom about contemporary parenting:That we are overprotective or overly indulgentThat we fail to provide children with needed guidance and limitsThat we are too ready to be our child's friend, rather than an authority.

Research findings from recent studies, however, provide ample scientific evidence to support my personal experience and this, admittedly, anecdotal claim.

We all know, from our own lives, how criticism feels. We may have experienced the demoralizing effect of frequent criticism in the workplace or in our love relationships. It is surprising, then, how often we fail to consider this in relation to our children.

In many families, parents and children have become locked in vicious cycles of unhealthy family interactions. Criticism and punishment lead to anger and defiance or secretiveness and withdrawal; this leads to more criticism then more defiance and withdrawal.

As these cycles escalate, parents feel increasingly justified in their criticism and disapproval, and kids, for their part, feel increasingly justified in their resentment and defiance. Parents say: "He never listens." The child says:"All I hear is criticism." "They are always yelling at me."

Much of our criticism, of course, is well-intentioned. We criticize because we are anxious about our child's future. We want her to improve, and eventually succeed in a competitive world. We think of our criticism as constructive, or not as criticism at all, but rather as instruction and advice, and we regard our child's defiance or his unwillingness to communicate (especially during adolescence) as an unavoidable consequence of responsible parenting.

I disagree.

When frequent criticism persists, all other efforts to improve our family relationships are likely to fail.

The Solution

The solution to the problem of frequent criticism begins with this fundamental fact: Children, when they are not angry and discouraged, want to do well. Your children want to earn your praise and approval, and they want you to be proud of them.

There is no better antidote for frequent criticism and argument, and no better way to help children bounce back from the common frustrations and disappointments of childhood, than patient and respectful listening.

Listening, of course, does not mean agreement or giving in to unreasonable demands. When we listen, we make a genuine effort to understand and appreciate our child's point of view and to acknowledge what is right about what he is saying before we point out what is wrong.

Ten Minutes at Bedtime

I recommend that parents regularly create moments that are conducive to this kind of patient listening. Set aside some extra time, perhaps 10 minutes at bedtime, for you and your child to talk. In these brief daily conversations, we should encourage kids to talk about whatever they were upset or angry about during the day, to say what they liked or didn't like, or what they may be anxious about the following day. And when kids have nothing to talk about, we can make use of this opportunity to talk about the events of our day, perhaps to share a moment of frustration or a moment of humor.

Children look forward to these moments, just as they do opportunities for play. It is, again, surprising how infrequently we make this a regular part of a child's day. Often, when parents set aside time to listen and talk with their children, they report immediate improvement in their child's mood and behavior.

At these times, it is also important to acknowledge your errors and, when appropriate, apologize to your child. We should say, for example, "I feel bad that you were so upset earlier today. I know I was very angry at you. Maybe I got too angry."

Some parents express concern that, in apologizing to their children, they may implicitly condone disrespectful or defiant behavior and diminish their authority as parents. This fear is understandable, but unfounded. Your apology does not excuse your child's bad behavior. ("You still should not have hit your sister.") To understand your child's mood is not to indulge his mood; the needs of others always have to be considered.

When a parent offers an apology, he has modeled an important lesson in interpersonal relationships and gains authority with his child, because our children's acceptance of adult authority is, ultimately, based on respect.

In my next post, I will continue this discussion, and offer additional solutions to the problem of frequent criticism.

I dont know why others cant see it, and it makes sense even if some parents are over indulgent. This is what happens. Instead of a parent being a parent and giving straight guidelines on right and wrong, they instead attempt to control their childrens behavior through verbal criticism and other passive aggressive means.This in turn does not make their children stronger, no it makes their children fearful.

i could not agree more. i grew up in a consistently hyper-critical environment, where extreme praise was "that was good but imagine how much better you could have done."
the best advice i received when my son was a baby is think before you say "no" or any other negative comment, then when you say it, say it with a purpose, not reflexively.
i work hard to assure my kids that they fill their parents with delight and love, just as themselves.
we expect our kids to always be respectful, kind and gentle, and we show that by being so. do they say please and thank you? yes, because we do.
our kids are universally loved by adults and (most) kids they meet, because they are happy and expectant, but not entitled.
so much of this is because they choose to be nice people, but i would like to imagine that at least part of it is because their parents have always modelled love and acceptance to them, and made that choice easier.

The next question then becomes, "Why are parents so often critical?" In my experience, there are many reasons, but the most common are these: our anxiety about our children's futures and our own frustration and lack of support.

I have counselled parents about not being critical, setting boundaries, having time with their children, showing respect for each other and most importantly love. Kenneth, you are right about anxiety. On the one hand, I have encouraged my children to climb high into trees with the understanding that I will "spot" them (guide their feet and have my hands under them in case of a fall) if they get scared when down climbing but I will not get them out of the tree - I want them to learn that I am there for them whilst they are learning; however, if they climb and I am not there, that they have learnt the skills and have the confidence to get out of the tree themselves. All good and well with a physical skill; however, transfering that over to social skills when I have an 8 year old who is socially anxious as well as very articulate is exhausting physically and mentally ("If you hold me too close mum, I won't ever learn"). To have the head space to manage my own anxieties ("what do I do about her desperate want to play with the kids down the road whose parents are using drugs?"...."Bathing in the tubs in the bathroom is not a good idea. We have a shower and a bath for that reason. Yes I know we used to do that when you were little......" and on and on and on.......choose your battles - easy to say to a client; harder to do when it has become one's modus operandi. My anxiety is around their safety and future well-being. I have heard so many stories and seen evidence of hurt from outside families that I am so very wary. Mindfulness and faith are helping - giving more breathing space in the moment to let go of learnt behaviours and instead respond with love.

Due to constant criticism in childhood, I have developed a sense of fear in my psyche. Specially when I try to study or any work that require focus & concentration, I begin to feel strange fears of criticism.

Could you please guide me, how can I work out of this deep rooted problem ? I want to live a fearless life every moment. Any books or topics to explore online ?

I grew up with constant criticism my whole life. Not just deserved criticism but "nit picking" criticism. I could do 10 good things on any given day and make one tiny mistake or forget something and the good things would be disregarded yet I would receive heavy, lengthy, and harsh critical attacks for that one tiny oversight or error.

In the wake of it I grew up with a very low sense of self esteem, a sense that I was a failure, and a feeling of a need to withdraw and be abstracted as opposed to confronting challenges and aspiring and moving forward.. My confidence in myself was weakened tremendously, particularly with regards to achieving success in the outside world. I am also a major procrastinator.

Parents, give you kids constructive criticism when and where needed. Give them a little praise for the good things they do to help them build confidence and self esteem. Don't nit pick and criticize them for every tiny little mistake they might make while ignoring any good they might have achieved.

Even as adults, children need their successes to be acknowledged and criticism from parents to be dolled out sparing and lovingly. When we speak out of love, we are both kind and honest. My father easily criticizes and is condescending toward me; but refuses to acknowledge success I've had overcoming tremendous odds, ie: getting a divorce from a violent man. He also refuses to acknowledge accomplishments that took a great deal of effort. When I told him I was so happy and relived the divorce was final, (I waited 4.5 years...), his answer to me..."You'll get over it." I asked him why would i want to get over being happy I got divorced, he told me it was a joke and I just didn't get it. Why would he joke about such a serious matter??? My motto is that if I'm willing to complain or criticize, I am also, just as willing to praise. What does my Father think...That I will explode if he acknowledges something I worked for so diligently?