Single Tom’s new friends

The point of this article is that everyone is better off when they’re friends with Emily Blunt.

Tom Cruise was out with Matt Damon, Chris Hemsworth, Emily Blunt, and John Krasinski the other night in London. There was a private room. A burlesque dancer performed.

Tom has new friends! And…they’re actually kinda cool!

So how did this come together?

Tom and Emily are shooting All You Need Is Kill. Emily and John Krasinski are super tight with Matt Damon. And Damon and wife Luciana are holiday friends with Chris Hemsworth and Elsa Pataky.

God, I love Emily Blunt, don’t you see? How this happened?

She felt bad for him.

There he is, working on their movie, the big movie star nerd on the movie set with his hands stuffed in his pockets pretending not to be eavesdropping on her Friday night plans. I can almost hear John Krasinski pleading with her not to do it. “Don’t do it, Em. I know you. You are too soft! Don’t do it!”

And Emily can’t help herself. A pity invite:

“Hey Tom, if you’re not busy tonight, we’re going to the Box with some friends. Do you want come?”

Do I?

Does he?

Of course!

At which point John pulls out his iPhone to text Matt and warn the boys. And they agree that Hemsworth has to sit next to him because he’s never experienced the Scientology staredown before.

What’s this?

Is that a twinge of sympathy you’re feeling there? From all the times you’ve seen that sh-t go down in high school? Me too, me too. And here’s where we’re supposed to remember that he belongs to a cult that locks people in dungeons and forces them to leave their families. But maybe that’s only because nobody’s ever invited him out on a Friday night. Maybe if more people like Emily invited him out on Friday nights (and told him it was ok, the dirty thoughts he was having about, you know, the others) he wouldn’t have let Xenu into his life so easily.