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Spouse's Name: __________________________Relationship with spouse(_) Sister(_) Brother(_) Aunt(_) Uncle(_) Cousin(_) Mother(_) Father(_) Son(_) Daughter(_) PetNumber of children living in household: ___Number that are yours: ___Mother's Name: _______________________Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box)___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks___ Number of refrigerators on front porchFirearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shedModel and year of your pickup: _____________ Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed ofpickup: ________Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:(_)The National Enquirer(_)The Globe(_)TV Guide(_)Soap Opera Digest(_)Gun World___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFOHow often do you bathe:(_)Weekly(_)Monthly(_)Holidays(_)Not ApplicableColor of teeth:(_)Yellow(_)Brownish-Yellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)No teeth(_)N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-ManHow far is your home from a paved road?(_)1 mile(_)2 miles(_)don't know(_)can't get there from hereBUMPER STICKERS:___ Eat more Possum___ My other car is a piece of junk too___ Honk if you love Jesus___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't nothin'___ Red-man Chewing TobaccoFavorite Recreation: Check all that apply:___ Square Dancin' ___ Possum Huntin'___ Skinny Dippin'___ Craw Daddin'___ Gospel Singin' ___ 4-Wheelin'___ Drankin' ___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin' ___ Honky Tonkin'___ Noodlin' # of Dogs: ___ Type: ___ Blue Tick ___ Beagle___ Black & Tan ___ Bird DawgCap Emblem: ___ John Deere ___ McCulloch Chain Saws___ Budweiser ___ Vo-Tech___ Skoal ___ Coors___ NAPA ___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear

Spouse's Name: __________________________Relationship with spouse(_) Sister(_) Brother(_) Aunt(_) Uncle(_) Cousin(_) Mother(_) Father(_) Son(_) Daughter(_) PetNumber of children living in household: ___Number that are yours: ___Mother's Name: _______________________Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box)___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks___ Number of refrigerators on front porchFirearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shedModel and year of your pickup: _____________ Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed ofpickup: ________Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:(_)The National Enquirer(_)The Globe(_)TV Guide(_)Soap Opera Digest(_)Gun World___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFOHow often do you bathe:(_)Weekly(_)Monthly(_)Holidays(_)Not ApplicableColor of teeth:(_)Yellow(_)Brownish-Yellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)No teeth(_)N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-ManHow far is your home from a paved road?(_)1 mile(_)2 miles(_)don't know(_)can't get there from hereBUMPER STICKERS:___ Eat more Possum___ My other car is a piece of junk too___ Honk if you love Jesus___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't nothin'___ Red-man Chewing TobaccoFavorite Recreation: Check all that apply:___ Square Dancin' ___ Possum Huntin'___ Skinny Dippin'___ Craw Daddin'___ Gospel Singin' ___ 4-Wheelin'___ Drankin' ___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin' ___ Honky Tonkin'___ Noodlin' # of Dogs: ___ Type: ___ Blue Tick ___ Beagle___ Black & Tan ___ Bird DawgCap Emblem: ___ John Deere ___ McCulloch Chain Saws___ Budweiser ___ Vo-Tech___ Skoal ___ Coors___ NAPA ___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear
__________________

Holy Crap, I almost peed myself.

"You just keep pushing. You just keep pushing. I made every mistake that could be made. But I just kept pushing" - René Descartes

I've lived in Wv my whole life and seen and heard all those stories before.Problem is, most of them were changed from PA a long time ago.:D:D
Kind of like how in PA, your old console TV becomes the stand for your new TV.:D

DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
"There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

Back in the days of yore, in a certain kingdom there dwelt a man of knightly values, but of short stature. He tried mightily to convince the King that he was worthy of being one of his chosen knights. For years he was turned down. One day the King, being a bit short of knights at the time, finally agreed to let his erstwhile supplicant become an official knight. He called forth the Royal Armorer and instructed him to fabricate a full set of armor for the mini-knight. The armorer assured the King that it would not take long to make it so. Then the King called his Royal Weaponsmaster to aid the new knight in his selection of weapons, which also took little time, since a short sword worked fine for him.
Then the King sent to the stables for a horse for him to pursue his quests on.When informed they had no steed small enough for him, the King thought for some time before hitting on a solution.
He called the newly armored and beweaponed knight to his throne room to accept a quest. When he got there the knight was distressed to see the King had dressed a large dog as a knight's horse for him. The King explained that was the most fitting steed for him that could be found. Grudgingly, the knight departed to begin his quest for honor.
One night he was traveling and the weather was truly terrible. It was raining,sleeting,snowing,foggy and dank. He spied a light ahead, and hoped it was an inn, which it did turn out to be. The sodden knight asked the innkeeper for room and board for the night for himself and his trusty steed.
The innkeeper looked out and exclaimed, "That's not a dog fit for a knight to be out on!"

DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
"There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

A guy spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens.
The tale went this way: "There are beautiful maidens who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If you hear them call, 'Woo Woo,' take off your clothes quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a fabulous time!"
Several days later, the headlines in the local newspaper read: "Body of Naked Man found in Tunnel, Run Over by Train."

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Fresh from my Inbox

Five Canadian surgeons are discussing which career category makes the best patients to operate on.

The first, an Ontario surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded!"

The third, a BC surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best: everything inside them is in alphabetical order!"

The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in:" Ya know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand the situation were you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth, a Newfie surgeon, stopped them all cold when he observed: "Nah, yer all wrong. Politicians, thems da best and easiest to oprate on. No guts, no heart, no balls, no brains an no spine, and da head and da @ss er interchangeable!"

This one got me...

Five Canadian surgeons are discussing which career category makes the best patients to operate on.

The first, an Ontario surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded!"

The third, a BC surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best: everything inside them is in alphabetical order!"

The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in:" Ya know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand the situation were you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth, a Newfie surgeon, stopped them all cold when he observed: "Nah, yer all wrong. Politicians, thems da best and easiest to oprate on. No guts, no heart, no balls, no brains an no spine, and da head and da @ss er interchangeable!"

There was a friar who decided to open a florist shop to help raise money
for his church. The shop was an instant success. But the friar grew to
like being a florist and spent less and less time at his church and more
and more time at the florist shop.

The church protested and asked the friar to spend less of his time at the
shop. But the friar wouldn't listen and now spent all of his time at the
florist shop. He'd grown very fond of being a florist.

The church decided to act. So Hugh the Ogre was sent to the friar. Hugh
the Ogre placed a very powerful spell on the friar and the friar,
accordingly, returned to the church.

The moral of the story is "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars"..

DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
"There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?"I'm out of gas!"The bee told the man to wait right thereand flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flewto his car and into his gas tank. After afew minutes, the bees flew out."Try it now," said one bee.The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up."Wow!" the man exclaimed."What did you put in my gas tank"?The bee answered, "BP."

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?"I'm out of gas!"The bee told the man to wait right thereand flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flewto his car and into his gas tank. After afew minutes, the bees flew out."Try it now," said one bee.The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up."Wow!" the man exclaimed."What did you put in my gas tank"?The bee answered, "BP."

Mutter, mutter.

Good one!

DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
"There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

Straight from the Inbox

'You've reached "___________". I'm not available right now but thanks for calling.I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the tone. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently.

Several months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding - more so now that his hair is gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding.
Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.
On a follow-up visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they found that the man has a terminal cancer and that he only has months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck.
"No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck."
"But sir, you have a 17-inch neck."
"Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch neck."
"Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?"
"What?" "It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and we had a great time."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again.
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is going at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that ******* fence wasn't electrified."

Back in the Roman days, there was a farmer who lived on the outskirts of Rome. He was a very successful farmer, having learned how to grow all manner of things better than all of his peers.
One year, he grew a bunch of strawberries. One of them grew to truly gigantic proportions, bigger than anyone had ever even heard of. This strawberry was big enough to fill a wheelbarrow! Of course, all his neighbors and friends kept coming by every day to congratulate the farmer and praise his enormous berry. Naturally, word of this fruit eventually came to the ears of the current Emperor, Caesar. Being what he was, the Caesar naturally believed the berry belonged to him, as did everything in the Empire. So he sent some centurions to the farmer's house to confiscate the berry and take it to the Emperor.
When they got there, there was a huge crowd gathered around the berry patch praising the berry and the farmer. The centurions shouldered their way through the crowd and came up to the farmer who asked if they were there to laud the fruit.
The leader of the centurions said, "No, we are here to seize your berry, not to praise it."

DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
"There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

I heard this one from a friend that lives in Italy. A variation of one we've all heard.

There was an airplane carrying The Pope, a Boy Scout and Prime Minister Berlusconi. It developed engine trouble and it turned out there were only two parachutes. Berlusconi cried out, "I am the Prime Minister of a great country - I must be saved!" Then he grabs a parachute and jumps out the door. The Pope says to the Scout, "My son, take the last parachute - I've lived a long and pious life, I don't have much to fear." The Boy Scout says to the pope, "Don't worry Father, that smart Prime Minister jumped out of the plane with my backpack, there's parachutes for us both."

Meanwhile, down on a lake in Italy, two men were fishing when they heard a loudening scream and whoosh! The Prime Minister landed in the water nearby. Not knowing who it was, they rowed over and pulled him gasping from the water. He was extremely grateful and told them, "Whatever you want, you can have for saving my life!" The first man thought and said he would like a nice Roman villa and a healthy income for life. "Done!" exclaimed the Prime Minister. The second man thought and said, "I'd like a huge reward - and a wheelchair." "Done" cried the Minister, "But why do you want a wheelchair?"
The man said, "Because if my father ever finds out I saved your sorry butt, he'll break my legs!"

DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
"There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

Dead Duck..

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "$150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."