Mega Piranha [2010]

A movie produced by The Asylum for SyFy with giant mutated piranhas. How can this not be fun? The movie poster says they are created to save mankind. How the fuck can giant piranha save mankind? From who? Besides that the poster is epic, as you can see. I also wondered who Tiffany is. I can’t possibly remember, but she was a shitty (listening to Greatest Hits album as I write) pop singer in the 80s. Twenty years later she posed naked (watching the scans as I write) for Playboy. We have a playboy cover girl here, fuck yeah!

First scene and tits. Looks promising.

When piranhas eat the boat containing a fat US diplomat and naked chicks in Venezuela, the government send special agent Jason Fitch (Paul Logan) to investigate. There he meets a scientist Sarah Monroe (Tiffany) who tells him what the fuck happened, and General Diaz (David Labiosa). he of course doesn’t believe it at first, and when he does, he bombs the shit out of the river, destroying couple of villages, but he has a big cigar and it’s Venezuela, so I guess that’s ok.

Saggy tits, but tits nevertheless.

But the catch is the fish gets bigger and bigger exponentially. Before you know it, they are jumping out of the river, hitting the buildings and exploding, impaling them selfs on antennas. Later on, they get to the sea, adapt to the sea water, survive the nuclear attack, eat battleships and helicopters. But then Jason Fitch stops all that with the stupidest thing in the movie. Spoilers ahead, but who cares, right?

Is this how an important US diplomat looks like?

Early in the film he gets attacked by piranhas, he stabs one with a knife and all of them eat her. Stupid, but ok. At the end, after they tried everything, Jason blows up the helicopter one piranha was holding in the mouth, and now injured, she gets eaten by the other fish. And that’s the ending, they are all happy because they now defeated the piranhas. What the fuck? Was that the leader piranha, and now the moral is so bad that they will retreat? Two days later and I’m still impressed by how fucking retarded that is. But I wonder little less, after I’ve read the interview with the director. The guy’s mentally challenged, and I’m sure of that.

The most annoying thing except for the awful CGI is the shaky camera. In this making of clip you can see the motherfucker shaking that camera furiously. Also, you can’t see these piranhas clearly almost never. Tiffany is a bad actor, she looks really bad. Not that she’s got a few ponds extra, but she looks so not taken care of. It’s depressing, watching her here, like this, knowing that she was a platinum sales pop star. All other characters are completely miscasted, with the lamest people imaginable. Except for Paul Logan. That guy rocks. He has the most macho voice there is, and he’s not faking it I think. Maybe he acts like a rock, but he looks good (as in appropriate for the role, of course) and has the voice.

Yes, they did that.

The plot holes are enormous, but no one really cares for that in this kind of movie. The movie is stupid like all other Asylum movies, but being a SyFy movie also, I’m not happy. SyFy movies have this special chamber atmosphere I love about them, and this one doesn’t. Nevertheless, everyone knows what can be found in a movie like this, and if you want it, watch it.

Ha ha! Stupid soldiers!

Adventure!

It’s a piranha.

“This fish has at least hald a dozen new organs! Look! Two hearts, triple thick skin and is a hermafrodite!”

Lamest interface ever.

Kamikaze.

Now imagine this in motion. Looping twenty times. Beautiful.

They swim.

Badass underwater gun.

I find this picture soothing.

You can find the trailer yourself, though I don’t recommend it. But this shit you gotta see.