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Topic: Dessert wars (Read 24028 times)

Tom is a big baby and should stay home because his whining will ruin the party. We were just rewarded at work with a steak dinner for acing a corporate inspection. Head of the dining area came to me after the announcement and said "Don't worry Veghead(his term of endearment for me), I will get you some garden burgers". I told him he did not have to do that, I could eat the sides and I didn't need any special treatment (I am seriously the only vegetarian out of 70 some employees!) but he made some (and others ate some too!) and made sure there were sides I could eat (he made loaded potatos so that was out but the risotto? yumyumyum!) I hatehatehate people who make their dietary choices (Not allergies, choices) every stinking persons issues because then everyone is looking at me suspiciously like I am going to knock the fork out of their hand and start screaming at them.

Since when does a guest get to demand that the hostess prepares a special dish just for you? Then to top it off he's griping about it, as if he's entitled to make demands on the hostess.Talk about being a special snowflake.

I'm a Catholic. When I was young we weren't allowed to eat meat on Friday. Strange I know, but it was considered a way to show God you were willing to make a sacrifice in His name. Since a lot of parties and events occur on Friday this came up often. Sometimes, people who knew you were Catholic would serve an entree you could eat, but often they never even thought of it, because why would they?We NEVER suggested to anyone that they make something special. You simply ate the potatoes and salad, or ate a hamburger bun with tomato and mayonnaise.

Honestly, there are a lot worse things in life than not being able to eat some of the food at a party.

The two of you are people I'd love to have over!

I've mentioned before that when I have dietary restrictions, I believe it is my responsibility to handle them, not make them other people's responsibility.

We just had 200+ over to our place recently and we served a pricey main dish fried in peanut oil. One of our friends is allergic to the type of food (not the oil) so he just ate other stuff. Which was fine, there was a lot of other stuff to eat. But another one of our friends, Jan, has quite a list of foods she can't eat without being on the toilet all night. She was bemoaning that she couldn't partake of the main dish because of the breading we were using so my DH fried up a few pieces for her w/o the breading. I thought that was nice. She did too and happily ate the food. Much later she asked DH what type of oil the food was fried in and he told her it was peanut oil and then she was upset because she was allergic to it. Not like she goes into anaphylaxis but she will be on the toilet all night long. I'm sympathetic, but if you know you're allergic or sensitive to a particular oil for frying, then it's your responsibility to ask what type of oil the food that's being offered to you is fried in.

When I was rearranging dishes on tables, she was complaining out loud that there was nothing she could eat. I said, "I'm really sorry," and she responded with, "Oh don't be sorry! It's not your fault!" I thought to myself, 'I know it's not my fault but what else can I say?'. DH sometimes goes to sporting events with Jan and her husband and DH tells me she spends a great deal of time complaining about the lack of food options for her. Also at smaller get-togethers she doesn't really socialize as much as she walks around and fiddles with things.

A couple of days later, I was on the phone with Jan's mom to discuss something else, and she gently admonished me that we should have had a sign up that the food was being fried in peanut oil the way some restaurants do. Now, this isn't a bad or wrong idea and I may even do it.

But we didn't have any issues with food allergies with anyone else because however many of the 200+ people at our house that had them, managed them - themselves.

So I explained to Jan's mom that I may put up some kind of sign next time we do this but took the opportunity to tell her that Jan would probably be a lot happier at get-togethers if she just focused on the socializing. I've had dietary restrictions that I've been dealing with for 4 years and unlike with Jan, few people even notice because I behave in such a way as to not call attention to it. You'd only know if you were inviting me for hospitality and asked me if there was anything I can't eat. I mentioned my own food restrictions and said that if there is something I can't eat I just eat what I can or bring food or eat pre-emptively and just focus on having a good time with other people. I told her when I'm at someone else large party, I'd be playing volleyball, cornhole, dancing, listening to music and just chatting with all kinds of people. Jan's mom agreed with me that Jan would be happier if she quit crumbing about the food and just hang out with friends. She gets the brunt of Jan's complaining, I think. And then we changed the subject.

I think Jan is 'stuck' in her grieving process (it really is lousy to have to give up so many foods) but it's been over two years now so she will (IMO) be happier if she moves on from it.

And in case it's not obvious, I'm Team Tina all the way and think Tom is a special snowflake.

Hey all, Tina's party was yesterday and I figured that I would give you all some kind of closure on it, even though it is kind of a non-update...

The party was great. Tina really outdid herself with her tapas/small plates buffet, and the dessert table (with The Cake, vanilla ice cream, pistachio ice cream, coconut sorbet, and a huge fruit tray) was delectable.

Tom was not there. No one mentioned him (and a lot of the people there are his friends as well as Tina's friends) and no one seemed to miss him. I have not heard from Tom since about a week before Thanksgiving, and Tina has not heard from him for about as long (she did not go to her family Thanksgiving, but went with her partner to his family's Thanksgiving/Hanukkah celebration instead). Tom seems to be laying low. I can only home that he got the message about how unwelcome he was making himself with all of his unreasonable food demands...

Hey all, Tina's party was yesterday and I figured that I would give you all some kind of closure on it, even though it is kind of a non-update...

The party was great. Tina really outdid herself with her tapas/small plates buffet, and the dessert table (with The Cake, vanilla ice cream, pistachio ice cream, coconut sorbet, and a huge fruit tray) was delectable.

Tom was not there. No one mentioned him (and a lot of the people there are his friends as well as Tina's friends) and no one seemed to miss him. I have not heard from Tom since about a week before Thanksgiving, and Tina has not heard from him for about as long (she did not go to her family Thanksgiving, but went with her partner to his family's Thanksgiving/Hanukkah celebration instead). Tom seems to be laying low. I can only home that he got the message about how unwelcome he was making himself with all of his unreasonable food demands...

I do feel a little bit sorry for Tom... if he were nicer about it, I am sure that people would be more then happy to help him out by avoiding tempting non-gluten-free and non-vegan food around him. But instead he decided to be a pill about everything, so people are pushing back and being unwilling to accommodate him. And I don't blame them.... if someone is not nice to me, I am sure not going to go out of my way to be nice to them. What would be the point?

But my feeling sorry for Tom has limits... he is the root cause of all of his problems....

My sympathy wanes when the person with the restrictive diet demands that the rest of the world to cater to them. Tina provided things he could eat, and offered to get him a cupcake that was especially for him. He ordered that she not make the Cake she's been looking forward to for a year so that he wouldn't be tempted. At that point, I'd have told him to go pound sand.

Logged

If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,Five things observe with care,To whom you speak,Of whom you speak,And how, and when, and where.Caroline Lake Ingalls

My sympathy wanes when the person with the restrictive diet demands that the rest of the world to cater to them. Tina provided things he could eat, and offered to get him a cupcake that was especially for him. He ordered that she not make the Cake she's been looking forward to for a year so that he wouldn't be tempted. At that point, I'd have told him to go pound sand.

This. It's one thing (and I think fairly reasonable, at least with closer relationships) to ask if it's possible to have something available or to offer to provide something. As in, if Tom had graciously said something like "I'm really looking forward to the party. You know my doctor recently restricted me to a vegan diet. Would it be ok if I brought a few cupcakes I'm able to eat so I can still have something sweet?" Then I'm sure Tina would have said, "Don't be silly; I'll get some cupcakes for you - were you thinking of the Vegan Delights bakery, or is there a different one you prefer?" or something similar.

Instead, Tom chose to be rude, entitled, and demanding. So I don't think he should be surprised that he got pushback. Classic case of "you get what you give," especially if there has been a pattern of Tina being asked to give in to appease Tom in the past.

I do feel a little bit sorry for Tom... if he were nicer about it, I am sure that people would be more then happy to help him out by avoiding tempting non-gluten-free and non-vegan food around him.

Actually, I think that would be beyond reasonable limits for most people - even if they were sorry for him, and he was really sweet about it, I can't see his social circle switching to vegan gluten free fare for holiday parties or dinners out - it's just too major and comprehensive a restriction to expect other people to follow, except maybe a spouse or parent.

What they *would* do is make sure there was a treat that he could eat, or pick restaurants where he had a reasonable food option (I'm not sure that restaurants exist that are both fully vegan *and* completely gluten free, for that matter).

I do feel a little bit sorry for Tom... if he were nicer about it, I am sure that people would be more then happy to help him out by avoiding tempting non-gluten-free and non-vegan food around him.

Actually, I think that would be beyond reasonable limits for most people - even if they were sorry for him, and he was really sweet about it, I can't see his social circle switching to vegan gluten free fare for holiday parties or dinners out - it's just too major and comprehensive a restriction to expect other people to follow, except maybe a spouse or parent.

What they *would* do is make sure there was a treat that he could eat, or pick restaurants where he had a reasonable food option (I'm not sure that restaurants exist that are both fully vegan *and* completely gluten free, for that matter).

Exactly. I have a number of friends with different dietary restrictions and I am always more than happy to to make sure there's plenty for them to eat and drink at my home, because they're nice about it it. Come into my home and tell me that I can only serve dishes that suit your dietary restrictions and you'd probably never be invited again.

I just found this thread.OP - I have no patients with people who expect the world to stop on a dime and change for them. So I'm glad Tina got to have her cake on her birthday. Tom needs to grow up and take care of his own health and the rest of the family needs to demand he act like an adult instead of indulging and catering to his wims.

Toots I'm sorry for what you are going through. I never went through that because my two big allergies peanuts and shell fish have always been issues. Actually your post made me understand what people who find out later are going through. Peanut butter taste like novicane and crab and shrimp just taste foul so I've never craved them. I do like lobster and mussels - like citrus I have to keep it under a certain level or I itch. The closest I came to grieving was when Nestle's changed crunch bar to have peanut products. It was the first label I ever read by myself.

Boo - I'm going to kind of agree with Jan's Mother. I think anyone using peanut oil should warn people it is the 2nd most common and most deadly food allergy in the US. I can smell it on food, but others I know who are allergic don't smell anything. It is a high priced and somewhat unusual ingrediant. (I do ask)

I especially think people frying/deep frying in peanut oil need to warn people ahead of time- Both my 5 yo cousin and I probably would have gone into anaphylaxis just by breathing the air before we ate the food. I went into anaphylaxis 2x at the Ren Fair near Houston. We couldn't figure out why - I hadn't eaten anything. Hadn't been touching stuff. The first time I was 3 or 4 and the hay and animals were the chief suspects and I wasn't allowed to go into the lifestock show part of the rodeo for years because of that. The 2nd time I was in HS and the docs pretty much decided that something blooming on the property must have been the cause. Then I made a remark here and one of the posters who is active in the community did some checking. She came back to warn me that that peanut oil was frequently added to the deep fryiers (raises the flashpoint) at Ren Fairs and that might be what I reacted to. It also means I can't go to many fish fries held around the area.

That said if the invite was obvious come eat a deep fried Turkey - or come to our Fish Fry, I would ask when I called to RSVP. If you told me then you were using peanut oil I would decline. The problem is people then pressure you to just come and eat other stuff. Simply being around the fryier is dangerous for me and people tend ot use their fingers so there is the touch thing.