Venable: With a Sharpie, the future is yours to imagine

2019-20 winter outlook map from the Old Farmers' Almanac(Photo: The Old Farmers' Almanac)

If the Old Farmers' Almanac is correct, East Tennesseans can forget about a white Christmas.

According to OFA, conditions will be “sunny and cool” on Dec. 25. Bummer if you hoped for a play date with Frosty.

How accurate is this forecast? The almanac claims a steady 80% success rate ever since publication began in 1792. It’s based on a secret formula (you’re surprised?), but here’s a snippet of detail from Page 202 of the current edition:

Sam Venable, KNS columnist(Photo: Paul Efird)

“Over the years, we have refined and enhanced this formula with state-of-the-art technology and modern scientific calculations. We employ three scientific disciplines to make our long-range predictions — solar science, the study of sunspots and other solar activity; climatology, the study of prevailing weather patterns; and meteorology, the study of the atmosphere.”

Trust the woolly worms

We of Southern Appalachian ilk take our winter cues from a different set of guidelines: color bands on woolly worms, height of hornets’ nests, number of fogs in August, thickness of corn husks, that sort of homegrown science.

Our success rate varies, depending on who says what and when. As the late Carson Brewer, my News Sentinel colleague and veteran sky watcher, used to say with a chuckle, “Yesterday’s weather can be predicted with 100% accuracy.”

Now there’s a new element in the game.

Thanks to President Donald Trump, the Sharpie pen has become a trusted telescope for peering into the meteorological future.

As you surely know, Hizzoner recently displayed a days-old government weather map that had been crudely altered with a black Sharpie to “prove” his earlier assertion that Hurricane Dorian might wreak havoc on Alabama.

Rewriting history with a Sharpie

In addition, the internet has exploded with Sharpie-enhanced photos “proving” everything from the record-setting size of Trump’s inaugural crowd, the enormity of his fingers, a Mexican wall visible from outer space, the inclusion of Greenland into the United States, ad infinitum.

My favorite image obviously was created by a Tennessee football fan livid over the Vols’ humiliating losses to Georgia State and BYU.

When those games ended, their respective scores were Georgia State 38-UT 30 and BYU 29-UT 26. But hang on a moment. Upon further Sharpie review, the scoreboard now reads Georgia State 38-UT 130 and BYU 29-UT 126.

You gotta hand it to His Paunchline. In addition to providing a much-appreciated moment of hilarity, he put the smackdown on a centuries-old adage.

Not only did he talk about the weather, by gum, he did something about it!

Sam Venable’s column appears every Sunday. Contact him at sam.venable@outlook.com.

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