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Technical difficulties is delaying Twitter News Weekly until early next week, so in lieu of that, we’ve got a very special treat for you. Before we became Average Nobodies, we had a weekly web series called Drinking with Class, and the episode below was our Memorial Day Special. Enjoy the video, and have a great weekend everybody.

For those of you who don’t know what “flair bartending” is… The Average Nobodies very rarely turn down a chance to drink during the week, so we attended the Flair Bartending Flip Out On Cancer charity event Monday in Providence, Rhode Island. The logic is simple: you pick a song or two and you bartend your ass off. While we were watching the competition, we thought we’d throw our hats in the ring and pick a few songs and create a routine in case there ever comes a day where we need to flair bartend to save our families from a Russian super villain bent on world domination.

Ryan

Flair bartending is all about energy, and with these two songs I’ll have it in spades. Return of the Mack will get the people on their feet and Dance With Somebody will literally have people dancing with each other. If you can’t jam to these two songs, you have no soul and I don’t want you apart of my flair bartending routine. Another good thing about these songs is that they will distract the audience away from my routine. A lot of the bartenders we saw were all hands and arms, so I’m thinking I use a feet heavy routine. Do people want their bartenders feet near their drinks? Probably not, but I’m the flair bartender and they’re not. At some point I’ll probably roll multiple bottles on the ground and kick them like a soccer ball. Add in a couple hip thrusts and some obscene gestures, and you have yourself one hell of a flair bartending routine.

Matt

From what I saw at the flair bartending event your music can make or break your performance in two ways: 1. The music doesn’t speak to your inner showman or show-woman and you come up short. Using the music to get the juices flowing is like a natural adrenaline shot to the heart. You ever hear about mothers that gain ridiculous strength to save their children? Well i’m pretty sure I could jump over a small building while listening to 80’s hair metal. and 2. The music doesn’t get the people going. Nothing’s worse than getting ready to perform something in from of some people and the crowd isn’t cheering your every move. Look back at some Stone Cold Steve Austin entrances. When that glass breaks there isn’t one ass in one seat in the whole arena! Handicapped sections included (if that’s terrible of me I am sorry, but I need to prove a point). That’s the kind of energy a flair bartending performance deserves!

Having said that, my choices were easy. I start off with some ‘Twisted Sister’ followed up by the ultimate party song, Cherry Pie. I figure I will use a lot of ice in my routine. Like throw it around and keep the eyes off the action at hand. That way I can lean on some simple bottle flips and cup twirls throughout my performance. Smoke and mirrors people, that’s the first rule of magic school. I also will be yelling pretty loud so that should create an additional distraction. Like so loud that people will think i’m hurt, but I won’t be..I think.

Side note: Veteran flair performer, Lauren, said that Cherry Pie is too slow of a song to flair to. I didn’t listen, so I could be off to an awful start to my flair career. I regret nothing.

How long have I’ve been saying I want to go to one of Clooney’s parties? Years, that’s how long. It’s the only dream I have left. To hang out with George at one of his fancy parties and become best friend bachelors forever and ever and ever. I’m going to Italy in 6 days and one of my stops just so happens to be Lake Como. The same Lake Como where Clooney has a house. Not even the Italian Guard (?) can stop me now. Although this invitation is fake, Clooney ABSOLUTELY has pool parties with just his famous friends and the 30 hottest women on the planet. I know it for a fact. That’s just how he rolls. Game. Set. Clooney.

(Source) “Looking for a little extra affection? Meet Sam Hess, a 29-year-old cuddle professional who makes a living by selling snuggles to those in need. Hess is part of a new breed of business people who believe that touch, no matter who it comes from, is the key to a happy life. She hatched the idea after watching a YouTube experiment in which two men offered free or paid hugs to people on the street. “People paid for hugs more than they took the free ones, and I realized that there’s real value in affection,” Hess tells Yahoo Shine. “My friends and boyfriend were a little wary at first, but once they realized I was serious about it, they were supportive.” Hess’s Portland, Oregon based company, called Cuddle Up To Me, offers two basic packages: A 30-minute session for $35 and a 60-minute session for $60 (She charges a $1 per minute in overtime), during which Hess and her client might hold hands, cuddle up on the couch, or spoon to the tune of her “cuddle playlist,” which includes classic music and hits by Phil Collins and Jack Johnson. There are also prepaid weekly sessions and a flat rate for overnight stays. However, before she does business, Hess conducts a free 45-minute meet-and-greet in a public place such as a coffee shop, to assess the intentions of potential clients. “I need to know where a person is coming from so I know what I’m walking into,” she explains.

This is sad. Not “someones dying” sad, but the “he’s sitting all by myself at the restaurant” type of sad. Who’s paying someone $60 an hour to cuddle with them? Splurge and pay the extra $100 for a prostitute like a normal person. I don’t care how many write ups Sam gets Yahoo or any other website to do. This is weird and anyone who thinks otherwise is weird. Buy a teddy bear. Go out in society and meet people. Basically do anything but pay a stranger to come cuddle with you.

– Ryan

P.S. The only thing I’m on board with is the choice of Phil Collins for this girl’s cuddle playlist. I’d love to cuddle to Phil’s angelic voice. Again, just not with a stranger.

Like this:

If this is what happens when SNL alums get their own talk show, then count me as the #1 fan for Seth Myers new show. Jimmy Fallon is as versatile as they come, and now he’s bringing paparazzi killer Alec Baldwin in on the fun. Simple concept, but they both knock it out of the park here. You just know Fallon has a million more sketch ideas like this, and he gets the best celebrity guests on late night TV. Since NBC is looking for the next breakout comedy show, why not give Fallon a half hour a week to get some of these sketches on the air? I know at least 6 people that would watch that.

But Smith is no longer driven to have sex with just any car. He says his joyriding days are over and that he is committed to “Vanilla,” a Volkswagen Beetle he purchased 30 years ago.

“When I hold Vanilla in my arms there’s a powerful energy that comes from her in response to that,” he said in an interview with Barcroft TV. “If anything was to happen to her I would be more than heartbroken.”

So Edward Smith not only exists, but he’s free to roam the Earth, having sex with every car he lays his eyes on. There’s disturbing news then there’s this. I really don’t understand why this guy isn’t in a mental institution, because if there’s one guy who’s potentially a danger to society it’s the guy who fucks cars. I guess this technically isn’t a crime but can’t we just build a bubble around this guy with a bunch of cars so he can just go to town? I’d say we could helicopter food in but apparently he has sex with those too. Maybe shoot food down a long tube so he doesn’t starve. Pretty much do anything but interview this guy who “hasn’t hurt anyone and doesn’t intend to”. If that doesn’t keep you up at night then I don’t know what will.

– Ryan

P.S. Are we supposed to be okay with this because he’s finally settled down and is only going to have sex with one car now? That actually makes me more nervous.

I love Conan, but nobody seems to have more fun doing late night TV than Jimmy Fallon. Whether he’s reuniting Jesse and The Rippers, having hash tag conversations with Justin Timberlake, or spoofing Breaking Bad, Fallon always comes off as the coolest guy in the room. His lip sync karaoke segment is no different. He created the segment a few months back with John Krasinski, and now he’s back at it with Joseph Gordon Levitt and Office co-creator Stephen Merchant. I can’t wait until he takes over The Tonight Show, but for now, let’s enjoy the lip syncing.