1. Singletons who worry aloud that they will be single forever (almost always real life women and male leads in romantic comedies)
2. Recently dumped singletons who cannot help but wallow in their new found singlehood (usually but not always women who are quite capable of ruining your Valentine’s Day if you get too close)

3. Single women whose biological clock sounds like Big Ben

4. Widows and widowers who are still hopelessly in love with their deceased partner (the only Valentines Day haters who deserve our sympathy)

5. Men who reject Valentines Day on principle and revel in this self-perceived intellectual superiority (these are the same men who think the Terminator movies are stupid and can’t name the quarterback of the Denver Broncos)

6. Singletons who are overly concerned about what others think of them and cannot bear to be seen alone on Valentines Day (cowards, for example, who refuse to leave the apartment on Valentines Eve lest they be seen without a date, usually found in romantic comedies but also existing in limited numbers in real life)

7. Overweight male hipsters who cannot fit into skinny jeans and purposely reference obscure indie rock bands from the early 90’s in an attempt to appear simpatico with the likes of Patton Oswald

8. Husbands and wives in failing marriages (husbands will almost never talk about their failing marriage but will find a way to depress you nonetheless)

9. Cheap men who don’t like to pay a premium on flowers or be told when to purchase a gift. These men often have wives or girlfriends who pretend to agree with this anti-Valentines Day stance even though deep down they hope beyond hope that their overly frugal husbands will cast off the shackles of financial wariness and give them something beautiful and silly on this pink and glossy day

10. Curmudgeonly versions of myself from fifteen years ago who once believed that nonconformity, logic and common sense trumped the quickened heartbeat, widening smile and joyful laugh of a woman who suddenly finds herself on the receiving end of a bouquet of roses