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Author
Topic: Love & HIV (Read 10351 times)

I thought of a question reading another post, but I didn't want to hijack the original poster's spotlight. Viola! I created another thread. No hijacking. It's fabulous! (somebody put something in this tea, I swear)

After the nurse gave me the schpiel about me testing positive and such, the woman who originally pricked my finger started talking, and the conversation went like this:

Valorie (not her real name): "I know a lot of people are scared that HIV will kill their sex life. You don't have to worry about that. People with HIV still have very active sex lives. You just have to be extra careful; you don't want to pass the virus on or get 'co-infected.' "

Me: "That's not really what I'm afraid of."

Val: "What are you afraid of?"

Me: "My fear is who is going to want to love me now that I'm essentially a loaded gun? I don't want to live my life alone."

Valorie tried not to show it, but she got a lump in her throat, and her eyes watered when I said that. It still is a deep down fear that I have. She jokingly asked, "Are you SURE you're just 22? I have never EVER heard a 22 year old list that as their top priority when finding out they have HIV."

I do sometimes wonder if this bed is going to just have me in it for the rest of my life. I know that that is partly an irrational fear, but it's there nonetheless.

What are your stories? Has it been difficult or easy?

I apologize if this seems like a bogus/ridiculous question, but it's been bothering me since I found out and Rob decided to pursue someone else who was HIV-.

« Last Edit: June 08, 2006, 01:24:32 PM by MoltenStorm »

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"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, adaptation in A Walk To Remember

Molten, no need to apologize don't ever feel you are asking a ridiculous question because probably most of us have experienced the same feelings at some point in our life. As for me I've been with my current partner/husband for nine years, 10 years in December. He is also positive. Prior to meeting him I've had many relationships/tricks mostly who were negative and seemed okay with my status at the time because I generally told them early on.

Sure someday that someone special will again enter your life. From your picture you are a cute boy and I'm sure you still turn plenty of heads just remember HIV is only a small part of what makes you - YOU

I tested positive while being in a relation which ended last april. Its June and I am on a new relation with a negative guy. I told him before even having our first sexual relation. His old boyfriend was also HIV+ so I didn´t have to explain him anything. Our sex life is very good. I was very lucky. His ex-boyfried did all the tough work for me...

Been pox for 2.75 years. It did not affect my sex life at first, though I was in complete shock- drank like a fish and informed the guys of my status before we even left the bar. Alcohol is empowering because it numbs you. After the shock was over I stopped going out. I have not had sex for 2.5 years. Been on a few dates, nothing worth writing about. I have lost all interest in men, dating, all of that. My friends who do not know my status can't figure it out. They just think I'm a workaholic. My doc thinks I should get back out there. We'll see.

When my love was diagnosed at only 21, he went thru the same as you. When he'd wank, he'd look at his semen and think of the poison it contained. He cried that no one could love him now. I did. I stayed right with him. He wanted NO sex of any kind. Then, 4 months later, he finally relented and allowed oral, but it freaked him some for awhile. Then, 4 months later we slowly and with protection, resumed intercourse.

Unfortunately, just a few months later, drunk together, I did him unprotected and that was the last straw. He so feared infecting me and he felt that if we stayed together, sooner or later he would, so he disappeared from me.

Now, 4 years after his diagnosis, at age 24 he's been in another loving relationship, living together for nearly a year now. His partner is also poz, something he can live with.

The important message I wish to send to you is that, your initial reaction is normal. But there is love and a good life after HIV.

They still love us, that is unconditional. The difference is we have to be more careful on protection and disclosure issues. I have had HIV for 12 years and AIDS for 10 of those years, I also have 4 BF's, 1 is an ID doc, 1 is an RN, 1 is a rancher, and 1 is a medical biller. Two out of 4 are HIV positive. Having HIV does not make you a lesser person, it makes you a better one because something once life-threatening has tried to take control of your life and you are stronger by not letting the disease take control. Have the best dayMichael

I never reply but I feel have to on this one....I was one the lucky ones...when I found out...I tried to run off Chad...I could never live with myself if I got him sick..............but damn he stayed.........its been two years...he is still ---its been hard but I am so lucky I have him.............why he stayed I don't know

It's not a ridiculous question at all. I've been positive for about 16 years now, and at 42 years old I still wonder if/when I'll find a partner to share my life with. But my concern doesn't stem from being positive. Mostly, I just find it difficult to find guys I feel I am compatible with. It's hard to articulate, but even though I feel I have plenty of friends and interests, I always feel "different" from everyoneelse. But being positive is not the issue.

I'm sure that in time you'll see that there are plenty of guys that are interested in you. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve it -- you deserveto love, and to be loved.

Cheers,

Henry

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"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." - Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

I have a different perspective on all this. I tested positive after someone I thought I was living with in a loving, honest relationship with lied and infected me. He'd even shown me the negative results of an HIV test (and neglected to inform me that he'd had anonymous unprotected sex right after the test). After he-and subsequently I-tested positive, needless to say, my trust was shattered.

Since my own diagnosis I've shied away from love and sex simply because I feel that if one "love" could do something like that to me, then someone else could easily screw me over. Even if it's not with an infectious agent, someone could still hurt me in a number of other ways. When we get involved with someone, we let our guards down. We trust them, with our emotions, with personal information, with the space we share with them at a given time. And as much as we feel we trust someone, he/she can still shock us-negatively-after a long period of time. There are no guarantees. How many times have we heard of long-term relationships going belly up...with someone getting very hurt and saying 'I thought I knew him/her'?

A couple times since my diagnosis, I have been approached about starting a relationship, and the people in question (both negative) weren't deterred by my HIV status. Rather, I was the one who said no, telling them frankly, "I'm sorry, but I can't trust you completely."

I realize that many people with HIV do date and form very meaningful, long-lasting relationships. I have some poz acquantances who have met someone and fallen in love, and are now happily married. That's wonderful, and if you do want such a relationship, there is certainly someone to love you. If you're worried about rejection, remember that HIV/STDs aren't the only reason people reject others. Individuals are rejected because of body type, hairstyle (yes, can you believe it?), age, job ambitions, etc. But though there are jerks out there, there are also mature, sensitive people who look past things like HIV status, height, and income level and love others for who and what they truly are.

Even though I'm still not ready to get involved with someone else, I'm fine with that. I'm very self-reliant. If I ever am ready to trust and love, then I'll know it when the time comes.

If I ever am ready to trust and love, then I'll know it when the time comes.

I agree - till then, keep your guard up as your gut instinct is telling you. And yeah, even 30-year marriages can go belly-up because one partner is living a double-life making the whole thing like a movie on the Lifetime women's channel

Molten: To answer your request about personal experiences, here goes: I was dating Ray in early 2000, status unknown. I tested + a month later. I was sure he'd run for the hills. He didn't. We had a +/- relationship for over 3 years and due to his neuroses I was the one who suggested we be just friends and that's where we are today: good friends. My point is, my being + had nothing to do with the breakup nor was it a dominant issue while we were together. Instead, the issues were regular relationship issues e.g. communication, I need my space, blah blah

Molten,Not a bogus question at all. I thought the same thing when I found out. I told my boyfriend (who later became my husband) to leave. I really never imagined that we could have a normal married life together. I always thought hiv would be hanging over our heads.

But I was wrong. We did get married, and we have the "normal" married life. Love is love. Hiv is a factor we have to deal with, and sometimes it is horrible and overwhelming, and sometimes we don't even think about it.

Hiv does not make you unworthy of love, or undeserving of love. It is just another part of you that comes with the complete package. Everyone has something...we have hiv, someone else might have cancer, be paralyzed, blind....that thing does not make one loveable or not. Everything else wonderful about you makes you loveable.Christine

arg!!! that Rob guy is a goof and missing out on some VERY interesting and personal growth times. Maybe he'll get over it, maybe not. So it goes.Poz or not, you'll find and lose boyfriends through the course of your life. We all do! It's part of growing, and gotta happen. Found my partner in december of 99 and tested poz about the same time. I suggested we break off anything further and was told NO. Partner still tests neg and tolorates my every mood, rant and rave. But hell, we're both crotchety old men, and content with each other. LOL Take care of you! the other parts will fall into place like a beautiful puzzle.

Hang in there ..you are very young and have a lot to give to a partner....someone will find you or you may find him/her whatever..... just let yourself be available..don't automatically rule out any one because of HIV status...your family still loves you and someone else will come along as well.

Since I found out I was positive, I have had mixed experiences with dating and sex. I *always* disclose my status to anyone with whom I have sex, and a couple of guys have told me "no thanks" once they were informed. One guy had sex with me (three times in one afternoon) and then disappeared completely after that. Go figure. Other guys have barely blinked, but then, I do live in San Francisco.

Before my diagnosis, many of my negative friends told me that they wouldn't date a positive guy because it was either too hard to deal with the anxiety or emotional issues or because they wanted to find someone with whom they could be monogamous and eventually have unprotected sex. Although I understand their feelings, overall I'd say that there's a lot of discrimination against positive guys in the gay community.

In truth, I am too new at this to know what the answer is. I don't know how much of an impediment HIV will be to your finding a relationship. I suspect that everyone will deal with love, sex, and HIV in different ways. Just for the record, I currently have a partner with whom I have a very limited sexual relationship. In some ways, I've settled for this because I doubt I'll do a whole lot better out there on the dating market as a middle-aged, HIV+ man with lipodystropny. Don't get me wrong, I love my partner, and I'm happy he's in my life. All I'm saying is that HIV has forced me to make compromises that I might not otherwise have made. Some might say that this is a blessing in disguise because it's allowed me to accept a "good enough" relationship and to stop holding out for perfection.

So that's my take on things. And as my father likes to say, "this advice is worth exactly what you're paying for it."

i'm single. I dislike dating negative guys. I just don't want the worry or stress about it.... i'd prefer to date positive as that seems to make it easier.. but positive and 'cute' here, well... to me... is rarer... I tend not to go out much anymore.

i am not actively looking for a relationship with anyone... but i'd prefer when i do, that they are positive... less drama and bullshit. But positive guys can be just as much dicks as negative guys.

I was four years in a relationship when I was diagnosed with HIV just over 2 years ago. My partner still tests negative. Luckily our relationship got stronger. Molten you can still love and be loved and be HIV positive.

Molten,One thing I've learned is NEVER SAY NEVER. In 1984 my soon to be wife stayed with me. Why? She loved me. You will go through many ups and downs with this hiv/aids thing. But you need to land on your feet, feeling depressed and sad and depressed is going to happen. That's normal...and the fears you have now are totally understandable. Eventually you will come to realize that if you stay sad ,lonely, and depressed no one will want to be around you. So you have to get it together if you want to find that love of your life. But everything has to "BE GOOD" inside you first. I'm not saying this is easy. Hell it's a constant battle for us all to be happy. But start loving your self. If you don't, it will be hard to love someone else. As my shrink always told me"Be brave, be strong.Oh and one more thing: You can have a great life if you choose!HIV is not for the weak. I've noticed over the years the weak don't do well.Love and Hugs To you....Jeff

As for you - I know you don't want to hear that you are just 22, but you know what - you are Blanche, you are! Frankly no matter how mature you are, what you don't yet have is the perspective of age. You've got so many experiences ahead of you and so many possibilities (yes even with HIV) - that you should understand and accept that if you want to be in love (and loved in return) then you will have it - HIV BE DAMNED*

It can be more difficult, and is, with hiv. Don't shut yourself out from friends and family like I did/am. There are a bunch of hiv poz people out there too.... if you prefer dating someone with the same sero-status... just a bit harder to find at times.

I'm not dating now and have no interest at the moment. I need to work on myself first before 'complicating' it with a relationship.

or perhaps the relationship is the solution and things will 'fall in place' after that?

When I met my future husband I had been poistive for quite some years.Not having disclosed to him we only had safe sex. Told him it was better for the two of us as he was still married to his wife at that time and I was travelling a lot and had sex with others.

Talking about fear : I remember me "monitoring" his hands when we had had sex. He sometimes jokingly brought it to his mouth, when it had semen on it. It freaked me out. And he had no clue why.

I finally ended up disclosing because sex had become fearfactor 1.

He needed time to adjust to the idea and refrained from having me top him for several months. I don't bottom, so that was OK.Slowly I started oral sex, but of course I never came into his mouth.

It seems to work. He is still neg after 14 years. And I do enjoy sex without fear with him now.

We talked about accepting me with HIV lately. He told me he loves my personality first and then my body.

So, Molton, without any doubt : you will find love again. Not because you're cute, but because you have a connection with your deeper spirit.Sit back, relax and watch the movie of your life : you will know when your soulconnection walks in....

Hug

hermie

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Diagnosed in 1987 and still kickingKivexa (Epzicom),Tivicay once daily.

I had an interesting call from Rob today. He wanted to spend some time with me this weekend, and I couldn't help but hope he'd changed his mind. I just hadn't mentioned that hope to him. Well, he laid his intentions clear tonight. He said, "I don't want to mislead you. While I do think I made a mistake, I don't want to ever hurt you again like I did. I'm still afraid of getting HIV. I miss you, and I think about you all the time, but if I go back down that road, I would probably end up doing what I did again, and you're too special a guy for me to do that to." I hadn't said anything about what I was secretly hoping, so I just said, "I appreciate that, and I sincerely hope that the next guy who catches your heart is HIV-, so you don't have to deal with all that entails."

I got a little bummed. Rob really is a fantastic guy (minus the HIV paranoia), and I do miss him a lot. He'll probably never know how much. In time, those feelings will subside, and I'll meet someone else. However, I think it's best that I get comfy with ME and HIV before I add someone else into the picture.

Again, thank you for the support guys/gals. You all are the best!

to all!

« Last Edit: June 14, 2006, 10:13:07 PM by MoltenStorm »

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"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, adaptation in A Walk To Remember

I was diagnosed over 2 years ago. I never thought I would love again or have anyone love me. Then I met the most incredible man in the world. He taught me there are still people out there who can love unconditionally. he is Neg and I am Poz. This week we celebrate our one year anniversary. You will find love, when you are ready and when you find someone who is not just out to get their rocks off but also wants to settle down and build a life. Don't give up on love. If I can find it in Oklahoma, the bible belt of America, anyone can find it.Okie Cowboy Guy

When i started dating my boyf i was neg and i knew he was poz. I was one of the first persons whom he told about his status. Anyway, that didn't matter at all. I loved him and still do.I decided to take the risk (yes, there is a risk) and became poz myself.No, i didn't play unsafe or did it on purpose. Always used condoms, but something went wrong. I don't really care about that anymore, it's not important for me to know "when and how". It would only make me feel anxious.Important is: I love him as i did before and he loves me. I had to help him with his feelings of guilt along with helping myself with knowing that I became poz. Trying to live a normal life as i did before.What if we broke up now?Well, I don't think I would find someone else so soon. On one hand, I would have to disclose to him and hope he would still be interested in being with a "loaded gun", on the other hand I know I wouldn't bother going through the whole process of disclosure and would probably say something like: "I need some space. I'll call you back" ;-) I can't be bothered. Know what i mean.But then i know i feel like this because i have someone and feel loved... of course i would bother if things were different...

And, IMHO, another positive aspect in a +\+ relationship is this: Both people are +, so, in contrast to a +\- relationship there's zero chance of a negative person developing "bug-chaser" thoughts

Example: a handful of times my ex-bf would say things that gave me a weird "vibe". not necessarily sex stuff and nothing as direct as honey lets ditch the condom and go buckwild! together 4ever babe! feel the love! but still, whatever words were used gave me some "vibes" ... I don't want another +\- relationship and possibly run into those vibes again

Welcome to the club. We are all positive and we have our ups and downs when it comes to relationships. When I found out i was HIV, it had a major impact on me emotionally than anything else.

As far as Love, "Love IS what Love DOES", if it is meant to be it will happen for you. No. I don't think HIV has a bearing on you finding Love.

There is something better that is waiting on you. You have to work on acceptance and handle the depression and other stuff. Get it together, when you aren't looking LOVE will be staring you right in the face.

I date only POZ guys because we both can relate to our moods and things.

I have to agree with what Eldon said about love finding you Molten, probably when you're not even expecting it.

I also agree with Iggy's "Deepak" moment:

... what does a virus have to do with your ability to fall in love and someone's ability to fall in love with you? Though the practical effects of living with the virus can create obstacles - A virus has nothing to do with the ability to love and be loved - unless you or the other person let it.

I had an HIV- partner for ten years. We ended up parting ways not at all because of my condition, but because we simply grew apart. We are now however, best of friends. We still love each other, just not romantically.

After we split, I just couldn't bring myself to face the prospect of dating, for about three years. Then I was pursued by a man who I have now been involved with for more than two years. He is HIV-. We love each other. How long it will last is anybody's guess but I'm not looking at it in terms of lifelong, just each day.

He's an honest person and very compassionate toward people. Sometimes even more than I am. Our love life/sex life is good.

Lawd, does anyone else get frustrated with reslentlessly positive (no pun intended, seriously) messages? Love: "Oh, It's out there waiting for you; it'll come to you when you least expect it; it'll come when you're no longer desperate for it. If you're down on love, well, of course, it stands to reason, that you're traumatized, depressed, stressed-out, poor fellow." Eeew... is my natural reaction. Some of these statements come from real-life experiences, no doubt; some come from a desire to buck up those of us who are down in the doldrums about love; some just seem, well, deluded. Am I going to get banned for this? Is a positive tone our necessary commitment here? Can I alternate between dismissive cynic and bawling sentimentalist?

(b) Only when time has slain desireIs his wish granted to a smiling ghostNeither harmed nor warmed, now, by the fire."

A virus can affect your ability to love. And be loved. No number of Deepak Chopra [and I'll delete my expletives] can change that. "Unless you or the person let it," said someone. Timeless wisdom -- and (I'm certainly going to be banned for this) timeless horsheshit.

I have spent the last year reading about Help and Altruism; countless journals of scholarship, personal narratives, internet boards, observations in general (friends and family). Don't know much. but I know this: false consolations almost never work (however well-intentioned).

Having said all that in spleen: here's to our future/current romances,

Jay

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Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

Love: "Oh, It's out there waiting for you; it'll come to you when you least expect it; it'll come when you're no longer desperate for it. If you're down on love, well, of course, it stands to reason, that you're traumatized, depressed, stressed-out, poor fellow." Eeew... is my natural reaction. Some of these statements come from real-life experiences, no doubt; some come from a desire to buck up those of us who are down in the doldrums about love; some just seem, well, deluded.

Hey, your stance, your choice - If you like it and you find it helpful to your life, by all means keep it. The Deepak stuff ain't going anywhere - It'll still be out there for you if you ever want it

Okay, I do withhold. That's without a doubt. I figure if you give someone exactly what they want they'll always be in your face buggin' the shit out of you. You won't get a moment's peace. And they might think you're some sort of idiot or weakling. I'm so cold

A virus can affect your ability to love. And be loved. No number of Deepak Chopra [and I'll delete my expletives] can change that. "Unless you or the person let it," said someone. Timeless wisdom -- and (I'm certainly going to be banned for this) timeless horsheshit.

Wow! What an incredibly inspirational and uplifting message. LOL I shall order your instructional videos at once. Clearly I’ve been wasting too much time choosing love over sex, and optimism over despair.

Silly me.

Gotta agree with allopathicholistic on this one:

Your stance, your choice - If you like it and you find it helpful to your life, by all means keep it.

I wonder if I should post at "HIV and Sex" or "HIV and Love"...tell me what you think.

If I meet someone in my town (pop. 200K) in North Carolina, they usually find me attractive physically and socially, but when they think about HIV and its concomitant issues, they usually come back to me and say "I just can't deal with the HIV thing." Love nor sex get fulfilled in this way, though I have made some really good friends.

As for love, I have many people I love platonically, but have been stymied by HIV in getting to the next step with people for the past few years. I was in what turned out to be a 15 year relationship when I discovered my status in 1985, but we grew apart over the years and his love became "protectiveness" and control.

Now, for sex, to meet the carnal needs...if my potential partner is HIV-, I am finding that they might actually be willing to play safely once, but often that is all they can handle. Either they don't want the pressure of consistent safe sex, or they are afraid of the off-chance of getting infected.

If poz, there are other issues to consider. There are guys who will not play if I insist on playing safely. There are guys who will not play if I don't. There are guys who are my type and they rarely are interested, while the guys who are not my type are often far too interested. This, I realize, is not specifically an HIV issue, but it is a problem. I just can't seem to find it physically possible to have sex with someone who appears unwell, so though many wonderful guys are out there who are potential friends, willy won't play if they look really sick. With time, I am looking less well than in the past, so that issue may come back to bite me soon.

The last issue I have found: poz guys who look well, who are fun in bed, who would be willing to play, but who have partners at home. I don't want to cheat. I want a hot, sexy, loving, loyal, kind, well-hung, attractive, and sexually versatile single man who wants me back. I keep hearing he is out there.....I guess I should open this place up for applications.

Any gems of knowledge out there on living in the small pond? Is it really necessary to move to another pond?

If you're down on love, well, of course, it stands to reason, that you're traumatized, depressed, stressed-out, poor fellow." Eeew... is my natural reaction.

Jay, someone who says that to you is probably 100% aware of how presumptuous and offensive they sound. There are exceptions of course, but in general those words patronize and needle - they're not meant to be helpful. so yeah I can understand that "Eeew" reaction to those specific words. I usually give those people a mouthful, then I laugh thinking they'll later crack open a dictionary to learn WTF I said to them.

But your overall disdain for silver lining quips - that I don't understand. More often than not, cyncism etc prevents genuine concern and goodness from entering your life. Just trust your instincts - they'll tell who's genuine and who's full of shit

All sarcastic remarks now purged, I strongly believe that the mind has an effect on our bodies. Not that we can self-heal, or any of that other new age garbage, just that attitude can help build us up, or help run us down. I choose a more optimistic approach to life. I’m not blind to life’s challenges. It’s really just a choice in how to approach them.

Why would I not want to give myself the best possible odds? If you think you will never find a compatible mate, then you probably won’t.

An optimistic attitude is just as easy to choose as a pessimistic one. It’s not rocket science, once you’re aware of. I know it sounds simple, but that's because it is. Nobody said it would be easy.

I’ve been jilted in love, and outright rejected. But I refuse to become some jaded old cynic because of that. I’m still here, and no way am I going to live in despair, no matter what anyone else chooses.

My earlier post was written out of two impulses: insomnia-exacerbated bitterness (I don't normally post at 7 a.m., I hadn't been able to sleep all night) and a horror of New-Agey-Self-Helpesque-I'mOKYoureOK palliatives. I see plenty of silver linings. And I LOVE love. I love cheesy romantic songs (my friends mock me relentlesly for owning Air Supply). And it's not that I think I'm "undeserving" of love. Oh sure, like everyone I have (healthy?) doubts -- am I out of shape? is my nose too big? am I boring my date? -- but I would go so far as to say that I think of myself as a "catch." And sure, optimism (not necessarily a matter of choice, but anyway) is usually, in most situations, better than pessimism. Remember the Monty Python song: "Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it. Always look on the bright side of life..."

I suppose one function of these boards is to emphasize to the second sentence of that refrain, and that's a good thing. Or, switching from Monty Python to (supposedly) weightier stuff: Epictetus -- "It is not things, but ideas about things, that make people upset." And Hamlet: "... for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

So... Do I think I'll find love, romance, compatible mate, the whole shebang? Yeah, maybe. Do I think it's inevitable? No. Do I think that I'll be single and lonely when I die, surrounded by gin bottles and crazy cats? Yeah, perhaps. Am I going to have plenty of fun on the ride? Damn right!

In-love-with-love Jay

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Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

I had the same thoughts you did when I was first diagnosed...it caused me to relapse (alcohol and crack). Then, later, after some recovery, I was approached by woman (I'm straight) and didn't believe it when she wanted to have sex with me despite my disclosure (we were very careful and used condoms). We split, then I hooked up with another woman. I've since been with a total of four women in relationships. Each time, I disclose. We always wait before having intercourse, and I invite them to see my doctor so they get the information first hand from somebody else than me who will give them the straight story on the risks without any possiblity of being self interested.

Having HIV has made me a much more tender, open, communicative lover. We have very frank discussions about all kinds of sexual issues. I sure miss the spontaneity and freedom of no condoms but there are much bigger payoffs in the openness and loving that we share. Love and sex is really much better for me now than it was before HIV. Strange to say, but true.

Just hang in there, and be open with your potential lovers. You will know when and how to disclose. It's scary but also amazing how people react to so much honesty.

Molten-I had the same feeling that u had when I became diagnosed, or when I heard those few words that drastically changed my life. I told my bf, who has proposed to me a month b4, and he claimed that we will both work our way thru it. Mb he was just trying to put up a strong front or mb he was panicked, I am not sure. I then told my closest friends, who happen to b pos as well. They claimed that I was strong and resourceful and I will manage. I am still trying to this very day. A month l8r of when I heard my results, my soon-2-b partner visited me. It seemed that he just cud not leave his hands 2 himself. I felt so ashamed and guilty that there were many of nights that I just cud not sleep, even in my own bed beside him. I slept out on the couch instead.Thruout all my tantrums and depression, we r still 2gether. I just wud not b the same w/o him. I miss him terribly cuz he lives in London, UK. It has always been a dream that we both share 2 get me emigrated over there, but that is in itself a very SLOW process. There r more times that I feel that he has not researched fully what I have been going thru, but I know that he does care immensely.What I am trying to say thruout this long, long story is that the "loaded gun" mentality is common w/ newly infected individuals; but over time it is kept in a very dark corner of the brain and rarely thought about. It is still there, but tucked deeply away from the normal struggles of daily living.U will get used to it, it may take time. Time heals all wounds, or a majority of them. When this thought is somehow forgotten, u will find the "one". It may take time, but the "right" one will come along.