Melbourne, Australia -- Police officials warned Australians not to head into Melbourne city today amid fears that giant Chinese lions would stop spreading good luck and fortune, and start attacking people. A spokes person for the police said "I fear for the Chinese people of Melbourne, they are among the worst perpetrators of Chinese Driving in the world". When asked about the pending giant lion threat, he further added "no comment".

Numerous calls were made to politicians to call off Chinese New Year, and have it banned in the future. Current prime minister Kevin Rudd said "that's it, Chinese new year is canceled, time to change new years to 1st of January like the rest of the world". Asked if this action was a little too reactionary, and over the top, he went on to say "It is about time they had new year at the start of the year. It is just too hard to work out when Chinese new year is, who can remember their lunar cycles. All government calendars state that new year is the 1st of January. So simple and easy to remember."

Police believe that the 舞狮, wǔshī or Lion Dance as it is know in China got out of hand when the 红包, hóng bāo or (red envelope) given to these two lions was in fact green, enraging the lions. Calling on their brothers the Power Rangers (who were a no show) the lions transformed into mega lions, and started spreading good luck and fortune through the city of Melbourne.

A local spokesperson for the Chinese Association of Melbourne would not go on record, but did say this. "The dance is usually performed as a ceremony to exorcise evil spirits and to summon luck and fortune. Looks like it is a very fortunate and lucky year for the Chinese people of Melbourne"

Welcoming the big lions, the spokesperson then went on to say "with lions that big, ain't nobody gonna mess with our sh*t!"

A skeptic of luck and fortune among the crowd retorted with: "you lyin' 'bout this giant lion""