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SimplyJews' usual response would be, who gizza fuck. However, having rethought our position on this issue, while considering our Zionist Hasbara duties, we take the opportunity to let you know that we respectfully acknowledge you, and have taken the trouble to thoroughly stereotype you into practical categories. With the assistance and funding of our Elders, their operations department (Ha'Mossad lebituach Leumi), we have compiled a simple yet intuitive guide that'll let you effortlessly categorize yourself into easily workable titles. If you don't feel comfortable in the provided categories, let us know. However, before you do that, make yourself acquainted with our Charter, and take particular note of the advice given under item number 2.

Anti-Semites:

You are the traditional Jew haters adopting the trendy, politically correct Anti-Zionist (AZ) umbrella. Your language is self limited to insertion of the Jew word every now and then, while still enjoying the relatively safe protection afforded under the AZ shield. You are often heard in reference to 'The Protocols' and 'Zionist World Domination', you casually apply the term Neocon before Zionist, when the Jew word is not suitable. You count Jews in influential places, fire off-the-cuff, a staccato of Jew names at the Pentagon, in the White House, and on Capitol Hill. You'll add the odd Jewish sounding names to the list, and argue that these definitely have latent Jew genes. Your type of AZ amalgamates well with the extreme left and right.

A word in your ear:

If you recognize yourself, as described above, we'd like to let you know that we Love You to bits. In fact, come over sometime. The experience will be life altering, we are acquainted with just the right guys, to show you a really good time, we are constantly on the lookout for new genetic material (See Project Zchug for details).

Another issue we'd like to set straight for you, is that you were right all along. The Elders were resurrected along with the 'Zionist Entity' in 1948, and founded their HQ three hundred feet beneath Solomon's stables below the Temple Mount.

Economic World Domination;

An example of the Elders recent successful forays into World Domination, which we freely acknowledge, and some of you have suspected all along; yes, it was the Elders who were behind replacing Greenspan at the top of the money mountain with another Jew Zionist, Mr. Ben Shalom Bernanke who'll be taking the reigns, and will control the world economy and your money according to Zionist interests. We have equipped Mr. Bernanke with a copy of our World Domination Software; Promis Administrator License.

Nuclear Weapons vs. Project Zchug.

Here's a red herring you walked blindly into. At one of the first Elders conference, we came up with some creative diversion tactics, and yes there is a Messada contingent, however it has a twist - this time we take the proverbial Romans along with us. We are indeed stockpiled to encompass the globe. Conversely, and this is where you stepped into it, the Nuclear issue is redundant. Our source of pride for the last five decades is in the field of Genetics and Biotech. We have been able to mark you genetically. We have the capability deliver a silent targeted eradicator, we know it by the code name Project Zchug.

The Anti-Israelis:

You are specifically that, you adopt a campaign of blocking Israel at every possible level and venue, promote cultural as well as trade boycotts, and would like Israel to be labeled as a pariah, rogue terrorist state. For you there is no place in the Middle East for a Jewish state, the mere concept of one is regarded as racist. You are easily identified in a crowd, by the tell-tale Corduroy and Kaffya mix. Your version of the History of the Middle East timeline is restricted to suit your agenda. Your peers judge your aptitude by the vitriolic twist you are able to give any emerging story. You rally behind the tactic that every Jew in Israel is a combatant, and therefore a viable target.

Some useful information for you;

·Our IDF D9 Caterpillar operators have all been diagnosed with acute tunnel vision. They are trained to move hard forward using day glow coloured markers that coincidentally match those worn by the ISM.

·Our snipers are trained using the same methods.

·Cannabis is cheapest in Sharem El Sheikh, Egypt.

·Palestinian men are not that well hung, but on the positive side, they'll mount even the sloppiest foreign dog slapper.

·Never say fence when you can say wall instead.

·Not everyone gets a musical as a reward for their hard work.

·Druze IDF Border Guards are the gentlest of creatures, you should always target and direct your anger at them, they're guaranteed to respond with kindness and love.

Anti Occupationiks.

You are genuinely concerned for the plight of the Palestinians and the Middle East conflict. You tend to get bewildered by the banter and vitriol, spewed by the former types. You keep in focus and steer away from the arguments and anger produced by the Jew haters and Anti Israelis, and have adopted your own label to differentiate yourselves from the AZ. You are also the most action driven group by far, you are active under the Anti-Occupation campaign. You seek a fair resolution to the conflict, one which would produce a state, a homeland for Palestinians, while leaving space for Jews in the Middle East. Some of you support a just, two-state-solution, while others believe in a multi cultural single state.

Some Advice:

Understandably you may feel genuinely confused at this stage. So, we took the trouble to help you listen in for some tale-telling nuances;

Occasionally the Jew haters adopt the language and partial ethics of the Anti-Occupation campaign. What usually gives them away, are a select number of terms, banners, and half truth stories. Their language is one of hate, some outright but mostly tacit. They will speak of Israel's politics and military tactics as Nazism, use words like Ethnic Cleansing, Apartheid and Mass Murder in macro detail, but are totally blind to such real world injustices where other countries are concerned. They use words like Hasbara (Hebrew for Information, Publicity, Explanation), the term coined for Israel's PR campaign, to explain the secret Jewish Plots for evil manipulation of the world as a whole, which is merely an up to date version extended version of the protocols "myth".

Jewish Anti-Zionists (Self Serving Jews).

You like to be perceived as the intellectual AZs. As an SS Jew you can rationalize and dissect with aplomb. You easily find parallels between Zionism and Nazism and any other isms that suit your agenda. You intertwine well thought out theories, from minor events to show cooperation between the Third Reich and early Zionism. You are a Jew of the timid, easily freighted variety. Your fragile psyche is driven by the feeling that you are forced into the position of being "hated" by the society you live in, because of those loud Zionist Jews, the "fascist" Israelis and their actions – it infringes on your life. In the back of your mind, and your core driving motive is to keep the noise down and away from what you perceives as "My" kind of Jew, by disassociating yourself from those two identities that infringe on your apparent well being. As a Jew you would prefer not to be identified, and to mingle into the surrounding goyim. The definitions of Anti-Semitism and indeed Anti-Zionism don't matter much to you in isolation. You are basically the sort of Jew that blames the Holocaust on loud mouthy Jews that rocked the boat.

Counter indications:

Some unresolved issues include your mother force feeding you chicken soup. You feel she abused you when wiping your bottom, and consequently suffer from appalling constipation, physical and emotional. You are compelled by a strong urge to seek out and destroy the Mohel, whom you hold responsible for you physical inadequacies. You were rejected by an assortment of Israeli women, the slightest of which could arm-wrestle you to submission. Israeli Kibuznik men always felt obliged to help you carry your food tray in the dining hall. Your skin blisters after being exposed for periods longer than sixty seconds to the Middle Eastern sun. Your father squandered your inheritance, with massive contributions made to KKL (An Elders fund for acquiring Zionist land). You rationalize the feeling that gentile AZs are never fully candid in your presence, and have more than once eavesdropped on their conversation about Jesus and his "close" friend.

We take care of our own:

The Elders see you as an asset, and cherish you. You may have recollections of people, events and places in your early childhood that don't make sense. Those small bumps on your head should not be scratched or tampered with in any way. When the migraines get out of hand, consult only Jewish doctors; they are exclusively trusted and outfitted with the equipment to perform the necessary adjustments. When your ears ring, focus your thoughts on, and construct a mental picture of Temple Mound. Our QA department is working on this Bug.

We have invested time, energy and technology on you. You are our greatest Humint asset. You will be taken care of once outmoded, and are assured access to our retirement facility in Ariel. Keep up the good work!