Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

And the good news is that you can buy Twinkies and Wonder Bread in bulk today before they go bankrupt and keep 'em in your car (or cupboard) for five years and they will be just as good (or the same ... depending on your tastes) as they would be if you ate them today ... trust me on this one ... I speak from experience.

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, the Twinkie was my favorite snack item from Hostess as a child, and I still prefer them over any of the other options. On the other hand, I'm currently doing low-carb (and it's working) so I am apparently contributing to their demise.

Tina
Not to worry, Twinkies made before the birth of Britney Spears will outlast her career, her lifetime and perhaps even the earthly existence of the cheerfully undead Keith Richards. At least the cockroaches will have something to eat.

Anyone remember the Spy Magazine article in which they tried (unsuccessfully, if i recall) to destroy a Twinkie? It was pretty funny and had accompanying pix of the various experirments.

I found MKJs link to the the baby fat doll implants disturbing. Do we really want sickos fondling the bottoms of "collector dolls" because they are so realistic? (And that originating from here in Utah too!) What is the world coming to???

I don't normally eat twinkies, but after seeing this, I went right out to the vending machine and got one, just for old times sake. The "best if purchased by" date is kinda smudged, but it looks like Oct 12,1974. Yum!

*The only way to destroy a Twinkie is to cast it into the fires of Orodruin.*

My guess is that the Elves would never allow this 'cause the only thing that (besides a Twinkie) is more unchanged by braving the elements, battles to the death with Cave Trolls and epic journeys with no shower facilities, is Legolas' hair. Same color too.

Good ole Pixie Pan and his merry site have been a favorite of us Barry-Blog-Heads for some time now. I think he even not-so-merrily wrote to Dave at one point, or posted on this blog. Can anyone help with a link?

A long, long time ago I can still remember how
that twinkie used to make me smile
and I knew if I had my chance
I’d never lose my twinkie trance
and maybe I'd be happy for a while
but then September made me shiver
with every paper I delivered,
bad news on the door step,
I couldn't take one more step,
I can't remember if I cried
I know I hoped the newsman lied
About that cake, crème filled inside
the day, the twinkie, died. So...

CHORUS
Bye, bye Great American Cake
drove my Go-Kart to the Walmart
to buy all I could take
and good ol' boys were struggling not to cry
singin this will be the day that I die,
this will be the day that I die.

Did you write the recipe
and can I get a clean copy,
if I promise I will share,
and do you believe in great snack cakes,
or will your childhood you forsake,
and can you teach me how to just not care?
Well I know that you're in love with them
cuz I saw you hork them in the gym
you ate until your gut swelled
and loved the way that they smelled.
I was a lonely teenage bronkin buck
with a Dave Barry haircut and a pick up truck
but I knew I was out of luck,
the day, the twinkie, died.
I started singin...

Chorus

Maybe in ten years we’ll bring them back
and eat ourselves to a heart attack
but that's not how it’s s’posed to be,
when Dave Barry sings it's quite a scene
in a coconut bra he got from our queen
and a voice as good as you or me,
oh and while the crowd is getting down,
Dave Barry wears a wicked frown,
the mosh pit starts to shakin’,
while Judi munches on bacon,
and while Ridley reads a book on Pan,
the bakers all swear, to a man
to keep on cooking, while they can,
the day, the twinkie, died. We were singin...

Chorus

Loss of sugar and a cry of ‘Booger’
the snacks that I’ll always prefer
eight hundred years of shelf-life,
and sweeter than a good wife
the bakers said they’d always last
and we never thought their time was passed,
now the filling sprays out a plume
filling the air with sweet perfume
and we all got up to dance
oh but we never got the chance
oh as the bakers tried to take the pan
the bank called in the old tax man
do you recall what was the plan,
the day, the twinkie, died. We started singin...

Chorus

Oh and there we were all in one place,
a generation lost in space
with no time left to start again,
so come on, Dave be nimble, Dave be quick,
Someone save Hostess before I’m sick
because snack cakes are my only friend,
oh and as I watch the final stage,
my hands just clinch in fists of rage,
no angel born in hell
could break that banker's spell
and as the factories closed their doors
and wallstreet cheered the corporate whores
I saw the banker laughing, eating s’mores,
the day, the twinkie, died. He was singin...

Chorus

I met a girl who ate a lot
and I asked her where her cakes she got
but she just burped and turned away,
So I went down to that bakery store
where I'd bought my twinkies years before
the man said the twinkies were all gone to stay
and in the streets the children screamed,
the lovers cried for cakes baked and creamed
but not a word was spoken,
the ovens all were broken
and the food that I like the best,
cream filled sponge cake, on a breast
I never again will be blessed,
the day, the twinkie, died, so I’m a singin...
Chorus

You'll notice it started -- like so many of the inventions most important to the survival of the race -- in Brooklyn. It was actually a fish & chips restaurant run by Brits. One day they were bored and thought, "Hmm, what if we deep-fried this Twinkie?" And they say guys don't have goals! Thus was culinary history made.

Here's their site and you can even send in suggestions as to what they should deep fry next. (Currently they have a Fried Atkins Diet Bar and a Twice Fried Cherry Pie, as well as the Twinkies, Mars Bars, Bounty, Twix, Snickers, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. They are deeply twisted.)

And when you go to the site the first thing you hear is John Cleese. What could be better?

" ... So she had this friend, who I will call "Laura", because that was her name, who was very odd. This was her best friend in the whole world. Brainless as well, I might add. She wore dark makeup and black clothes always, and could have been Marilyn Manson for all I know. She had a boyfriend that was a complete psycho, who loved to have bonfires in his back yard, about 3 1/2 inches from his house, and got drunk and threw explosive spray cans into the fire to hear them blow up. Another Yale graduate . . . "

You should see the stuff I ALMOST post, but change my mind because:
"Although we do not have any obligation to monitor reader comments posted to this Weblog , we reserve the right at all times to review them and to remove any information or materials that are unlawful, threatening, abusive, libelous, defamatory, obscene, vulgar, pornographic, profane, indecent or otherwise objectionable to bla bla bla . . . "

If you put "twinkies" into e-Bay's search, there's a bunch of memorabilia there. I think it would be great if someone would pick up on punky's suggestion and market actual Twinkies (circa 1974) and start bidding at $0.99. Heck, put a whole carton of the things up for sale.
"Pre-Bankruptcy Claim, Vintage Twinkies. The ultimate for the twinkie collector buff! New in package (see closeup of expiration date, photo not altered). Don't miss out on these beauties!"

The first time I read this article I misread the name of the company. I thought it said that "Interstate BATTERIES" makes Twinkies. I sure am glad that I had it wrong! I can't imagine tasting a cream filling made with battery acid, blech!

I don't think Cbol should sing it. I'd hate to have this illusion of him being the creative god that he is be shattered by the discovery that he can't sing. Better to imagine he can, than to have proof that he can't.

Not that I'm saying he can't sing. Of course, I've never heard (or seen, for that matter) him sing. So I wouldn't know. But just better to not take the chance.

Mahatma, I hope Polly saw that great "association" item. I mean, how cool would that be to drive up to a crime scene of crispy critters and drop the bit about the car being used for Jeffrey Dahmer body parts? For someone in Polly's line of work it doesn't get better than that.

Okay, I admit it. I am the sole cause for Twinkies going away. Being on a low-carb diet, I am ashamed that I have caused this unexpected side effect of losing weight. I am sorry, and beg y'all's forgiveness...

...wait...

...hey, even when I wasn't doing low-carb, I wasn't buying Twinkies! What are y'all blaming me for? The last time I bought a Twinkie was 1 year, 8 months, 16 days, 4 hours and 6 minutes ago!

But hey, take consolation in the fact that I predict that this low-carb revolution that's happening is going to quiet down after a bit. Everyone's making low-carb stuff. Most of it's junk, too. Naturally low-carb food is better than most of these low-carb variants of regular junk food. I think it's either going to stabalize and everyone will have a low-carb variant of their products, or it's all going to come crashing down and we'll be back to the old ways again.