“Hello, my name is Morty Sharp. My hobbies are masturbating in public, and kicking dogs.”

“Hi, Morty!”

“All my life, all I ever wanted to be was a degenerate. Its amazing how sometimes life’s plans can work out for you. If you aim low enough.”

Like in his dreams, the crowd began to chant rhythmically, and he stood there, arms outstretched peering his well honed hypnotic gaze on the crowd.

“And just like I can make you people pay to hear me say these things, just as I can sell you a house, just like you will buy my audio book series: ‘Hyp-gnosis, the ultimate book to self-help and real-estate mastery through hypnotic suggestion, by me, Morty Sharp!’

The crowd burst into a ruckus, cheering, whistling and stomping their feet. All the while chanting his name.

He lowered his palms, and dimmed his gaze. The crowd grew silent.

“I wasn’t always the Morty Sharp you know now. There were times when I would dream of being here. In fact, I got the whole idea in a dream.

“I spent my whole life aimless and broke. I was angry, and lonely. I lived in a tiny apartment that was built around a bathroom that was constantly sprayed in bleach. It had one window that I used to fall through. I had one fancy suit that I could only afford to wash every two weeks. I learned later one of the reasons I was so alone is because I needed more suits.

“I lived every day in a daze, doing nothing, thinking nothing, just believing what was on TV, and I know now that that is no way to live my life. I knew I had to do right, I knew I had to make a mark. I knew I had to try.

“But trying never got me anywhere, I tried to be everything they said, I tried to do what they told me I should do. And that got me nowhere.

“And at long last, I felt myself break down. I didnt know what was happening, but I was quickly sliding from bad to worse. I found myself with personal problems, I was suddenly drinking to hide from my problems. I had stray dogs stalking me.

“I needed to do right. I needed money to do right, and whats more, I needed help.

“I began to reach out, and found, when you need help, it is there. It always seemed by chance, so random, but I had to accept it, as I had everything else. I learned that there was a wide market for helping yourself, and I looked into it deeply. I studied the techniques and developed my own 5-step formula. From there it was just a snap to write a book, really its pretty easy, especially when you set realistic goals. Most importantly, I learned the secrets of hypnosis, self-hypnosis.

“Through switching off my inputs from the world, and my own quiet study, I learned how I could then buy a house with no money down. I learned to spot good markets, and I learned the 3 critical steps to reselling houses with almost no effort on your part.

“These, of course, you should all know by now, because they are in my book!”

The crowd applauded, and a sea of book covers rose in the hands of the audience.

“And you all know, as part of the Hyp-gnosis self-help and real estate mastery program that you must bring as many people into the fold as possible. You will only get out of the system what you put into it, and what the system needs put into it is new members.

“So, go, now! Out in to the world! Bring them into the fold! With each new member we help ourselves more. We grow more powerful!

“Say it with me: SUCCESS!”

“SUCCESS” the crowd cheered.

“REAL ESTATE!”

“REAL ESTATE!” the crowd began to filter noisily out the back, all the while cheering his name.