My Weight Loss Journey

As I said in my last post, I’ll be posting regular weekly updates, weigh-ins basically. The goal of these posts is to keep regular track of my image and weight as I progress through my diet.

So here is the first weigh-in, at 316 pounds.

I wish I could be happy to say that at least I’ve lost four pounds since I started seeing my dietician six months ago, but that’s just a drop in the pond, and nothing really to be impressed by since I shouldn’t be this weight anyway.

Stage 1 of my diet starts tomorrow. I will be spending the next two weeks with the following daily meal:

Breakfast:Protein shake

8oz combined of fat free soy milk and fruit of my choice

Lunch (which will probably be somewhat spread throughout the day rather than eaten all at once):

2 hard boiled eggs OR 3-4 oz of steamed tofu

1 cup broccoli, cauliflower, asparagus, or carrots

1 cup low-sodium veggie broth

1 cup spinach

Dinner:

Protein shake

8oz combined of fat free soy milk and fruit of my choice

Pretty basic, but it really seems pretty good. The only seasoning I’m allowed to use is garlic, so at least the tofu won’t be too bland.

There have been a few things I’ve been debating with myself. Although this is the Lap Band diet, I’m doing this without the actual Lap Band, so there are some changes I could make to the diet that wouldn’t necessarily hurt me:

1) Starting with the pre-surgery diet. A strict high-protein, low-fat diet for two weeks before the surgery helps to protect muscle mass while minimizing the fat around the liver, allowing for placement of the Band. I don’t need to have the Lap Band placed, so I could go straight into the actual diet itself.

2) The first three weeks will be a 100% liquid diet, consuming no more than 64oz of liquid a day, including water. Since water isn’t going to make me gain weight, I could possibly consume more water per day.

3) The diet calls for liquid multivitamins to make up for any nutrients that might be missing in the first few weeks. Since the band won’t be restricting my stomach, I could just take regular pill mutivitamins.

I’m concerned about a slippery slope, though. If I start cutting corners here, and there, where else am I going to end up cutting corners? A little extra steamed veggies with my meal? One can of Diet Coke? 2% milk instead of 1%? They may not seem like a big deal but how many exceptions will I make before it’s not even a diet anymore?

I’ve decided that, no, this will not be the “Crystal’s version” of the diet. This will be the diet. THE diet, just exactly as if I had the surgery. No exceptions, no cutting corners, no changes.

Besides, after doing some research I discovered that there are other benefits to these rules too. The pre-surgery diet is very limited (a protein shake for breakfast and dinner, and two hard boiled eggs, some broccoli and a cup of veggie broth for lunch) will help shrink and prepare my stomach so it won’t be such a shock to my system when suddenly I’m not eating for a few weeks. The hunger pains will be hard enough for the first several days, might as well do everything I can to reduce that.

Additionally, and this could be useful information to many of you if you’re interested, a liquid diet isn’t just necessary for Lap Band patients. Many people go on clear liquid diets for a few days at a time to help “detox.” Basically, when anything non-liquid, ANYTHING, goes into your body, including the slightest bit of fruit pulp or crumbs or pills, and even “full liquids” (non-clear liquids) like milk, the body has to digest it. The body makes digesting a priority, putting aside a lot of other stuff for “later,” but often “later” never comes, because by the time the body’s ready to start on that other stuff, we’re eating again and the body has to digest again. Staying on a liquid diet helps give the digestive system a break, and allows the rest of the body to have more energy.

I’ve got pretty much everything I need to start my pre-surgery diet Monday. My meals will be boring and repetitive and small but my body won’t care once it’s digested, whether it was a slab of tofu or an ice cream sundae. The biggest key will be to keep myself distracted when I’m feeling hungry.

I’m also upping my exercise from 20 minutes three times a week to 30 minutes every day.

Tomorrow’s my last day of being able to enjoy real food so I’m trying to finish off any of the tempting things I have in my house, including the 2% milk, yogurts, etc.

I’m feeling a lot of support and it’s fantastic. Both my boyfriend and my dad are starting diets with me on Monday. Not the same diets (because this diet is only for crazy people), but diets nonetheless. I’m also hearing a few other people saying they want to start dieting too because of me. I’m really lucky to have so much support, this is going to be incredibly hard.

Later this afternoon I will post the first of what will be weekly Sunday updates, which will include my current weight and a fresh picture of myself. I think this will help me both stay motivated and keep good track of my progress. (Plus, if it works, how cool would it be to make a flip book of that?)

I’m starting to get pretty excited about this. Like really excited. I was doubting myself at first, and maybe I’m being unrealistic and ridiculous and thinking that I’ll be just like all those inspirational people you see who suddenly melted off the weight in no time using nothing but hard work and determination. Maybe this is completely silly and three days in I’ll crack and give up. But from where I’m standing (well, sitting) right now, I really, honestly feel like I can do this, and I feel more sure than I’ve ever felt about any weight loss attempt before.

A couple of people have suggested, not in any rude or unfriendly way, that, although they support me 100%, they aren’t sure I can do this. And why would they be? This is a very hard lifestyle I’m about to be living, and it’s not like I’ve given them any reason to believe I can do this. If I had, I wouldn’t still be a fatty. I hope that I can give them a reason to believe I can do this, though. I ask for one favor from everyone, though: Don’t be impressed, don’t compliment me, don’t glorify what I’m going to do, I haven’t done anything yet. Once I’m successful, THEN be happy for me.

I’m gathering all the supplies I need to start my diet. I want to make sure I have everything so there won’t be a moment where I’m hungry and realize, “Oh, all we have is Mac & Cheese, guess that will have to do.”

For those not familiar with the Lap Band diet, here’s some information. That’s not 100% of it – I also have to supplement it with multivitamins and such – but that’s the gist. Since the Lap Band restricts your stomach so much you can’t even eat solids at first, they recommend liquid vitamins. I won’t technically have a restricted stomach so I’m debating whether I should just use my regular multivitamins, or if I should really take this 100% seriously as if I had gotten the Lap Band – I don’t want to tempt myself to cut corners here and there. But I guess that will depend on the cost of liquid multivitamins.

For the first two weeks, I will be on 100% juice, half a gallon a day, sipped two ounces at a time and given at least a half hour between servings. So I’m buying lots of juice, ensuring to not get sugary drinks. Apple juice, for example, is a no no. So are all citrus juices.

It’s interesting to compare, and you really have to look at the nutrition facts. For example, Ocean Spray Diet Pomegranate Cranberry has 5 calories, 0 fat, and 2g sugar, while Ocean Spray Pomegranate Cranberry Light has 40 calories, 0 fat and 10 grams of sugar.

I also won’t be able to have any alcohol whatsoever for a couple months, nor any carbonated beverages, diet or otherwise.

I’m starting to feel better and better about this diet. I feel like if I’m properly prepared, and really have a day to day plan in front of me (instead of a vague “eat better” mindset) then I can really do this. I’m going to enjoy (in moderation) some foods I won’t be able to eat for quite a while over the weekend.

Okay, maybe I was skinny when I was like four, but after that I was fat.

I see lots of women, my size and even bigger, that I think are absolutely gorgeous, and they have confidence and style and are perfectly happy. I’ve always wanted to be one of those women, but I just never have been.

I have never, ever looked into a mirror and liked what I saw. I have never considered myself a “BBW” because I’ve never felt beautiful. I don’t even like wearing cute clothes because I feel ridiculous. As Obama said, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”

I began comfort-eating at a very early age. I was a very lonely, depressed child. I had no friends, my dad was always really busy and rather short-tempered – I can’t blame him too much for that; my mom left me at a very early age, and he was a single dad from the time I was a baby, with little help, trying as hard as he could to make the best life possible for me.

My grandparents, my dad’s parents, helped him to an extent but that became an additional burden. They weren’t good or nice people. They were mean, manipulative people, who tried to fill my head with vicious lies about my dad from the time I was old enough to listen, their goal being to take me away from my dad, not because he was unfit as a parent but because they had lost the respect and much of the love of their own kids, that they thought they could start fresh with me.

They became obsessed with me, in every sense of the word. They wouldn’t let me bathe, they forced me to wear old, ratty clothing, and overeat, explaining that “fat, stinky kids never get kidnapped.” When I started school, of course no one wanted to hang out with the fat stinky kid.

I tried replacing friendship with animals. I had a lot of kittens growing up, but never for very long. They would always “run away” after just a few weeks. It wasn’t until I was older that I discovered my grandparents were “getting rid of them.”

So let’s recap the story so far. By the age of five…

– My mom had made it clear she didn’t want me

– I was under the impression my dad was an evil psychopath

– My grandparents had convinced me I wasn’t even good enough to kidnap

– No one at school wanted to play with me.

– Even my kittens didn’t want to be around me.

I’m not trying to be emo here, this is just how I felt as a child. These things pretty much aren’t issues anymore.

Anywho…

My grandparents had me convinced that they were the only people on the planet who loved me, and they showed me this with all kinds of delicious foods. Chocolate chip pancakes and bacon every morning for breakfast, hot chocolate and cookies every night. Food was love. That’s how I grew up.

When I was 12, my grandfather, who, by the way, was on steroids, owned a gym. He was at this gym every day. He had me at this gym several times a week, too. You wouldn’t believe how strong my legs were. Before I even hit my teens, I was leg pressing heavy weights. Terrible idea. This did a lot of damage to my spine, which I am still suffering from today.

So through my teens, my life was loneliness, comfort food, and the inability to move around without pain. That formula created the Crystal you see today. I’m happy to report that since then I have learned a lot about myself and have (for the most part) stopped the comfort eating, and take much better care of myself in that respect, but that doesn’t mean a lot when you’re in so much pain that some days you can’t even get out of bed without crying, let alone exercise normally.

Eventually I just accepted this. This was my life, there wasn’t going to be much I could do to change it, and why should I? This is the life I’ve always known. I’ve ALWAYS been the fatty fatty fat fat of every social circle I’ve been in. This is just my role.

Almost a year and a half ago, the concept changed. My mom came to me and told me that she might be able to help me get the Lap Band. I was really reluctant at first. I joined chat rooms and social groups for people who had the Lap Band, to talk to them about it. Everyone, every single one, had success stories. People almost twice as big as me were down to bikini size! I started to get excited; maybe this COULD work, maybe this is what I need.

I began getting poked and prodded and tested and studied in the name of the Lap Band. I had consultations and meetings with dieticians and adjusted my diet and learned a lot about nutrition. As time went on I got more and more excited. The goal was to get the surgery before my insurance runs out, when I turn 26 (June 12).

Everything was going great, and it all looked like I would be able to get my surgery in late May, right in the nick of time!

Nope.

My insurance is one of the strictest insurances as far as approving bariatric surgery. Yesterday, I got a call from my weight loss consultant that my insurance is insisting on two more months of meetings before they’ll approve my surgery. That puts my surgery in July, a month after I lose my insurance.

Fantastic.

After some tears, mostly out of frustration that I’ve had so. many. procedures done – I’ve been stabbed with needles and had tubes shoved down my throat and things stuck to my face and so on – for nothing. For absolutely nothing.

I’m sick of it, you guys. I’m really, really sick of constantly being unhappy with myself, I’m sick of wearing the same five outfits because I’m afraid to go shopping. I’m sick of avoiding amusement parks for fear that the seat belt won’t fit around me. I’m sick of feeling like everyone is staring at me and thinking, “How disgusting!”

What the Lap Band does is restrict your stomach so a) you feel fuller faster, and b) you literally cannot eat more than a little bit of food at a time. If you try to, you throw up. It’s not like liposuction or other cosmetic surgeries, all it does is make it easier to restrict your own diet, because as anyone who’s ever dieted knows, that shit is hard.

But not impossible, right?

If all it is is changing your diet, couldn’t a person technically do that on their own? With enough willpower and determination, the weight loss brought about by the Lap Band could be made, without the Lap Band.

That’s my plan. And right now, honestly, I feel like I’ll fail, but I’m determined to try my hardest. This blog is a testament to change. While I normally hate talking about my weight (it’s humiliating, I hate calling attention to it when I don’t have to, and frankly, I’ve been in tears while writing some of this post, because I’m a fat blubbering fatty fat), I’m going to do the exact opposite. I’m done accepting this as my life. I’m going to get the supplies I need over the weekend, and starting this Monday, April 30th, I’m going on the Lap Band diet. I’m still working up the courage to post my weight (plus, I want to weigh myself for accuracy), but my ultimate goal is to be down to a healthy BMI (150 pounds or less) by my 28th birthday (June 12, 2014). I think my ideal weight at my height (5’4) would be around 120 pounds.