I lost the will to live and feel emotions normally so long ago (~5 years ago, I'm 18) that I don't remember what it's like to feel sustained joy, contentment, satisfaction, excitement, only the memory of it, and I seem to just be ploughing forward without cause - it's hurt my grades, academic opportunities, my relationships etc. It's not that I don't put in the effort or the work - I really do, and generously so, but my depression often sabotages things and it becomes a self-fulling cycle e.g. lack of close relationships = unhappiness; unhappiness preventing close relationships developing, and so on.

I give the impression of being able to function normally and definitely convinced myself that this is the case - that the emptiness and pain I feel by default is perfectly okay. Coming to the realisation now that internally I don't think being happy is worth it, that I don't want to/can't fight for a feeling/state of being that I barely remember, and it's pretty terrifying. In my early teens, I spent every moment battling against my OCD tendencies, high anxiety levels, panic attacks, general self-esteem problems (with almost no support network); it ended up not being worth it (look at me now),and I'm too tired/can't care anymore to do so. All of this also worries me now because I'm aware that this makes me extra susceptible to emotional setbacks/life events e.g. I experienced symptoms of PTSD after an event that I feel earlier on in life I could have coped with better.

Have you talked to anyone about this? If not then I would highly recommend seeing your doctor or a psychologist. I've been through similar for the past decade or so and know exactly how you are feeling (or lack of feeling).

(Original post by Anonymous)
I lost the will to live and feel emotions normally so long ago (~5 years ago, I'm 18) that I don't remember what it's like to feel sustained joy, contentment, satisfaction, excitement, only the memory of it, and I seem to just be ploughing forward without cause - it's hurt my grades, academic opportunities, my relationships etc. It's not that I don't put in the effort or the work - I really do, and generously so, but my depression often sabotages things and it becomes a self-fulling cycle e.g. lack of close relationships = unhappiness; unhappiness preventing close relationships developing, and so on.

I give the impression of being able to function normally and definitely convinced myself that this is the case - that the emptiness and pain I feel by default is perfectly okay. Coming to the realisation now that internally I don't think being happy is worth it, that I don't want to/can't fight for a feeling/state of being that I barely remember, and it's pretty terrifying. In my early teens, I spent every moment battling against my OCD tendencies, high anxiety levels, panic attacks, general self-esteem problems (with almost no support network); it ended up not being worth it (look at me now),and I'm too tired/can't care anymore to do so. All of this also worries me now because I'm aware that this makes me extra susceptible to emotional setbacks/life events e.g. I experienced symptoms of PTSD after an event that I feel earlier on in life I could have coped with better.

Happiness seems to have too high a price. Please help.
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I'm so sorry to hear you feel as though you've lost the will to live. Did anything happen over 5 years ago that may have caused you to not feel emotions for such a long time? It's great you've been able to identify that it's a self-fulling cycle because that enables you to see how you could try and change things. I know you mentioned your depression has hurt your relationships; does this include friendships?

I sometimes see feelings as an iceberg - there's only part of them on show and the rest of them are hidden, so I don't think it's abnormal to give the impression that you're coping and functioning normally; alot of people do that. Feeling better can definitely be a scary thought; when my depression had it's biggest grip on me about 4 years ago, I was consumed by darkness and as you've mentioned, you get used to it. It becomes the norm and so feeling happy on a consistent basis was an unknown to me and in that sense it was scary. It's sounds as though you've been through alot OP :/ In what way do you feel as though happiness has too high of a price?

As the poster above me has asked, have you seen anyone; a school counsellor/gp etc. about how've been doing?