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November 12, 2010

In the long history of the Planet Earth, asteroids crossing orbits and striking it have been a common occurrence (every 100,000-500,000 years). For creationists that's a troublesome number since that's older than their Earth. Regardless, it's true.

An asteroid striking our planet would be catastrophic. Casualty estimates begin in the millions and end in the billions, up to and including every earthling larger than a grapefruit. Well, I'm not sure if all that is true but it certainly wouldn't be good and could very well mean the end of humanity. An asteroid hitting earth isn't a question of if but when. That doesn't mean it will happen tomorrow, though it could. Maybe crazy religious fanatics will have blown up the planet before it ever happens as a way to bring in the End Times.

This poses a problem for Christians. Ever the shepherd, Jesus promised to return before allowing anything like that to happen to his flock. So really, a faithful Christian shouldn't have any concern about asteroids hitting Earth. A faithful Christian should condemn the European Union, the United States, and the other countries who are spending money and actively tracking Near Earth Objects. Jesus, in saving his flock, will fly into space like Superman and deflect the silly asteroid. If he feels like putting on a show, maybe he'll grab it with one arm and throw it into the Sun!

I can imagine the Christian refrain, "God doesn't help fools. He expects us to fend for ourselves, or live with the consequences." Well that's cute and simple, but it's incorrect. God n' Jesus are perfect and cannot ever be wrong or lie. So if Jesus said he'll return before the end times, then I expect him to keep his promise. As a faithful Christian, you should too. There's no reason for the people of the world to track NEOs, or draw up plans to defend our planet from them. Jesus will protect us.

Have you ever wondered why it is that Christianity regularly violates it's own Second Commandment concerning idolatry and graven images? Why do Christians have images of Jesus adorning their church walls, stained glass windows depicting the beautiful baby Jesus in a manger, and gigantic crucifixes erected next to their pulpits? Isn't this idolatry and statue worship akin to what BibleGod punished Israel for?

Well, the truth is that Christianity needs something tangible for their masses to focus on. It's not enough to simply say that Jesus is alive and waiting for you with open arms in Heaven...they need a painting depicting this in order for people to really get behind it. The same goes for the bullshit relics that the Catholic Church prizes...tangible beats intangible any day of the week.

It's really no different than politicians plastering their faces everywhere during an election year. Sure they might win without mugging for the camera, but only a fool would forego the opportunity to put his face with his name. Face-time gets votes. Likewise, with churches facing an uphill battle in their quest to sell tickets to la-la land, they need a face to put with the name. That face is Italian, long-haired and handsome, even with nails impaling his his hands and feet.

Now, erase that image and replace it with an African Jesus. Or an Asian Jesus, any Jesus contrary to the accepted image. Make him short and pudgy, with teeth too big for his mouth and body hair everywhere. In short, make him completely opposite to what the ignorant, skin-deep masses paint as the ideal man. Would the Christian masses accept this?

Sample Jesus's: Scatman Crothers, Jackie Coogan, Marty Feldman

Want some Ice Cream, Jesus?

Uncle Fester, aka Jesus

Abby Normal, Jesus?

I push for all churches to replace their sexy Italian Jesus idols with a Black Jesus, and I'm not talking Billy Dee...I'm talking someone like Beetlejuice from the Stern show. We have a black president and stuck it to bigoted white people in America, now it's time for a black Jesus to stick it to bigoted Christians the world over. If a Black Jesus doesn't work, go for a short, bald and pudgy Christ with enormous teeth, but don't you dare make that bastard Italian. Make him cross-eyed, too.

The important thing here is that the appearance of make-believe Jesus is unimportant, it's the idea of him that counts. Let's see how many real Christians exist out there, those who can look past the face and focus on the core.

Honestly, how many do you think could stomach their prized Italian stud turning into Buckwheat?