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Date: Mon, 18 Nov 2002 09:54:27 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1292
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=== 1292 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1292
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 2002 09:54:14 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1292
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1287 64 votes 5fnab 2gjm5 3bfob 34djp 36nie 28oq4 2fkj8 5arg6 48rg9 18sha
1287 3.4 mean 3.1 3.2 3.5 3.9 3.5 3.3 3.2 3.1 3.3 3.4
--- 1292-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I imagine scads of scantily clad showgirls with big headdresses
> kicking it Vegas Style as they dance and sing the praises of The
> Oracle!
>
> Why are humans so repulsed by cannibalism? All other animals
> eat each other without qualms...
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} There's a flaw in your logic: you assume that there are two categories,
} human and animal, and cannibalism is eating the flesh of other members
} of the eater's own category.
}
} This is not far off from the working definition of cannibalism (as I'll
} explain later), but the flaw is in making categories that are too
} inclusive. Non-humans eat other non-humans without remorse, even
} without table salt, but it's not considered cannibalism by anyone other
} than the most extreme (and hilarious) vegetarians.
}
} Cannibalism is usually defined as "eating the flesh of one of your own
} species and/or tribe." The definition of 'tribe' is certainly
} subjective, and can be fluid, but it accurately gets the idea across of
} why you can't feed your daughter roast leg of Spot. I'm also using it
} to illustrate why feasting on the beating heart of your opponent is
} not only permissible but encouraged in primitive warlike cultures like
} the Incas, the bushmen of Zaire, or the New York Stock Exchange.
}
} Cannibalism and incest are called the two 'universal taboos' of
} anthropology, but one might say that it's also a result of evolution:
} those people and animals who eat the dead of their own herd/tribe tend
} to suffer afflictions like Mad Cow Disease (UK cows unknowingly eating
} hamburger), kuru (the Fore tribe of Papua New Guinea), torches
} and pitchforks (the Sawney Bean "family"), staphylococcosis
} (w**dch*cks), and overwhelming self-importance (fashion designers),
} all of which hinders one's ability to survive.
}
} You owe the Oracle a chianti and some fava beans.
--- 1292-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> ...how I may be banished from the great capital of Sweden.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well supplicant besides the obvious (don't pay your taxes) here are
} some general tips for banishment.
}
} NOTE: Did you know the word banishment has it's linguistic roots in the
} word banis meaning a hot, flat pancake.
}
} 1. stop wearing pants
} 2. don't eat your broccoli
} 3. use red pens for all your correspondence
} 4. make whimsical lists based loosely on a given theme
}
} NOTE: Lists came into fashion in the early 16th century when all
} purpose grocery stores began to replace small shops and village fairs
} as the place to shop.
}
} 5. answer every question with a question of your own
} 6. speak disparagingly of those of import within the city
} 7. borrow books from the library and highlight sections of interest
} 8. always return your movie rentals 3 minutes late and apologize
} profusely
}
} NOTE: Late charges on movie rentals were originally only 5 to 10 cents
} similar to the late fees charged by libraries. It's a fact.
}
} 9. always take longer than you need to make a point
} 10. consistency is your enemy
} 9. stop making sense
} 18. make your own rules, for language and math
}
} NOTE: Mathopathology is the defined as the study of people who died as a
} result of their fear of numbers.
}
} 954. find new ways to be annoying
} 955. build expectations that you will act one way and then act another
} 659. drive at least 50 km/h slower than the posted speed limit
} 1. drink milk from the jug
}
} Follow these few simple points and banishment will follow.
}
} You owe the Oracle a change of address slip. Some people collect
} stamps...
--- 1292-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Grand Theft
> Felony Murder
> Hugging A Bunny Rabbit
> Wire Fraud
>
> One of these things is not like the others
> One of these things just isn't the same
> Can you tell me which of these things is not like the others
> Before I finish this song?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Why, of course it's "Felony Murder", silly.
} It's the only answer that doesn't have a word with
} exactly 5 letters in it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bunny rabbit to hug, and an alibi
} for felony murder.
--- 1292-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Please Wise Oracle answer my humble question then in glory and with
> praise depart to that deep place of thought, your noble Indiana
> Temple where neither struck by wasting sickness, nor having paid the
> wages of the sword you sit and ponder All in your continuing attempt
> to guide us out of the stupidity in which we are mired. For unless
> we are guided by your words and ideas, like every mortal before, we
> will descend to Hades never having had a clue.
>
> Why did they cast the spirits out of the Horse King?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} They couldn't afford to produce a new series.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of "Mr. Ed" videos.
--- 1292-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Um, are you sure this is a good idea?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Of course. Since when was running into the middle of a
} police station wearing nothing but polka-dot speedos
} a bad idea?
}
} You owe the Oracle a mug shot.
--- 1292-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> You're increasing the groveling requirement AGAIN? You're
> worse then the US Post Office!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sorry, your statement has been returned to you due to insufficient
} grovellage.
}
} You owe the Oracle 38 grovels for shipment.
--- 1292-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, you that needs no search engine, nor a fur-lined survival
> wallet, nor a pickled vole's head on a stick,
>
> What will be the most sought after New Year's items this year?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The most sought after New Year's item? Tax relief, of course.
} Followed closely by a way to get rid of those old fruitcakes from
} Christmas.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book on cheats around the tax system, and a
} fruitcake torch.
--- 1292-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> The Oracle's words fall like a nocturnal bird of prey among us,
> snatching glimpse of understanding from our feeble utterances,
> carrying them back to his nest where he digests them. O great
> producer of Pellets of Wisdom, share a bit of Truth with me, I
> beseech you!
>
> What are some good ideas for a Thanksgiving party?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} ASTONDING! STUPENDOUS! WONDERFUL!
}
} These are the words that describe your praise of me. They also happen
} to be the words that you WANT people to use when describing your
} thanksgivingday party.
}
} Unfortunately, I am suck when it comes to planning parties. If you
} include plenty of alcohol and other memory-retarders, however, you
} can't get a bad review. have fun!
}
} You owe the Oracle... uhm... I forgot. Oh! gimme 'nother beer!
--- 1292-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> How many "N" ate wings?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, let's work backwards. You invited N friends over to watch the
} game. You bought the Monster Wing Assortment[TM] from your local Dead
} Chicken Purveyor[R]. The assortment has 289 in seventeen levels of
} spiciness:
}
} 1) A la mode
} 2) Reduced Flavor
} 3) Original Factory Farm Flavor
} 4) Artificial Free Range Flavor
} 5) Salt and MSG Bonanza
} 6) Black Pepper
} 7) Red Pepper
} 8) Original Buffalo Flavor
} 9) Extra Cayenne
} 10) Peppery Piquant
} 11) Fire Bomb
} 12) Thermal Failure
} 13) Incendiary Grenade
} 14) Fire-in-the-Hole
} 15) Like-A-Briquette-On-Your-Tongue
} 16) Nuclear
} 17) Pop-Star Photo-shoot
}
} Of your N friends one half (L) don't eat spicy food and are stuck with
} the lower five flavors. All of those wings were consumed. You have K
} friends who love spicy foods, but can only eat nine wings each, before
} their tongues burst into flame and they leave for the emergency room.
} You have J friends who like to one up each other on heat and who
} consumed one of each flavor. One of your friends is vegan and only eats
} the carrots and celery, thus depriving spicy food eaters of a pallete
} cleanser. Now, knowing that K + J + L + 1 = N, and that after the game
} there were 50 wings left burning holes in your paper plates, you can
} easily deduce that
}
} L = 17 ate 3 each 51 wings
} K = 14 ate 9 each 153 wings 204 total
} J = 2 ate 2 each 34 wings 238 total
} you had left over 50 288 total
}
} N = 34, because your so-called vegan friend actually ate one on the
} sly.
}
} You owe the Oracle pop star suitably matched for the #17 wings.
--- 1292-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O great and wise Oracle who somehow manages to put all of his wisdom
> into Infocom parodies,
>
> Why does rhod suck?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Rhod started out as a place to discuss the Oracle. But it
} slowly eroded into a place for people to complain about
} the fact their witty answer/question failed to get it. This
} sour tone tended to drive out the positive minded souls. Then
} the NG, then populated by complainers, found what they needed
} -- a place where any dang thing they typed would get instant
} approval by their fellow malcontents. Soon aimless 'poker
} cascades', 'donut road rants', and 'todger and cooler raps'
} became the norm where all one had to do to fit in was add
} a word to the end of a zilllion long word thread. Then they'd
} nominate each other for best-of-usenet, until that got it's
} fill of rhod, after which they made their own Best-of site
} to immortalize their ramblings. Now a days its populated by
} a dozen of dazed survivors with nowhere else to go. Which
} won't be so bad but it leaves no where safe for newbies to
} show up and get any help on using the Oracle... alas, the
} Oracle is a row you have to hoe alone. A very solitary sort
} of humor device akin to writing jokes on the back of your
} phone bill envelope and hoping it amuses the mail carrier or
} some weary clerk somewhere.
}
} Ha,ha! Just kidding! rhod is a bastion of love and wisdom
} where the most vibrant minds on the `Net meet to discuss
} ways to make the world a better place. They organize puppy
} give-a-ways for inner city youth and tree planting parties
} for the center medians to roads that lead to homes for dis-
} advantaged artists down on their luck. . . *blink*
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for schizophrenia.