How to Have An Orgasm with Your Vagina

It has come to my attention that a lot of grown-ass women out there have yet to experience an orgasm, which makes me want to jump off a cliff on to a bed of sharpened dildos. Orgasms are important, and you need to be able to make yourself come. I know it can be frustrating, but you have to keep trying because the entire world runs on orgasms.

I remember masturbating like it was my homework as a young teen because I knew that eventually I’d get the hang of it, and it would put me on par with the rest of the orgasm-experiencing world. That world, of course, includes 100 percent of adult males, who make up nearly 100 percent of presidents and the majority of CEOs and police officers and professors. I’m not really sure why that part’s important, except for the fact that it would make me really mad if everyone telling me what to do could magically blast cum out of their genitals, and I couldn’t. My point is that it was a conscious, effortful process for me, but I persevered and succeeded.

I noticed that a lot of the “instructions” on how to masturbate were purely physical, but that’s clearly not the only ingredient in an orgasm casserole. As we all know (or should know) girls are mental basket cases, just like their mothers, and their mothers’ mothers, and centuries of some anthropological bullshit that I don’t understand, and sometimes that stuff can really get in the way of everything fun. Therefore, I am going to approach this orgasm problem from a meditative standpoint.

PRIVATE SPACE

One day as I was driving down a busy street during rush hour, I suddenly realized that I was about to have an orgasm, because I was masturbating. That realization was amazing to me, since I could remember feeling uncomfortable about touching myself in my own bedroom, simply because it was inside my parents’ home. Women’s magazines will probably recommend that you find an isolated spot where you can feel comfortable being alone—like in the shower with the door locked, for instance. But I think you just have to confront what it is that makes you feel so shameful about masturbating.

I used to get worried that someone would see my fingers and notice cervical-mucus residue, or see that my face was all flushed and postorgasm-like. Then I realized: Fuck it. I am a disgusting, gross piece of shit, just like everybody else, and if I don’t have an orgasm today I’m going to end up killing someone.

No one will notice that you were masturbating. No one cares. Join the party.

AROUSAL

You have a clitoris, which is supposed to be full of nerve endings and blood flow and all of this magical, orgasm-inducing stuff, so then why, when you touch it, does nothing happen? Are you broken? No. You can’t just mechanically rub your clit and expect something nice to happen. You have to zone out and think about things that make you feel good (horny).

What makes you excited? You don’t know? For some reason, this is often a hard question for women to answer (probably because of centuries of oppression, but I don’t want to get into that), meaning fantasizing about love and sex might require a lot of mental effort. Maybe you’re deeply, truly aroused by the thought of sharing the same values and meaning of existence with another human being. Maybe you’re aroused by the thought of having kids and starting a life with someone you love. Maybe you’re aroused by rape. Whatever it is, you need to dive into it with reckless abandon and know that these thoughts are yours to keep, entirely private, and nothing to feel guilty about.

LETTING GO

This is crucial. A lot of women will get really close to having an orgasm but then stop themselves because the feeling is too overwhelming, or scary, or maybe even painful. In all steps of the process, you have to keep letting yourself go. What does that mean? I guess it’s a combination of A) freezing time in the moment of fantasy, B) getting in tune with your body and carrying out all of its impulses, and C) again, diving into the sensation with reckless abandon. Your body is resilient; it can handle your orgasm. Even if it feels like you have to pee or whatever, just let it out. The worst thing that could happen is your sheets will get wet, and you’ll have to do some laundry. (It’s not pee.)

Which reminds me, when my first boyfriend and I starting becoming “sexually active,” I was 15 and still had memories of being in a diaper and putting Vaseline on my diaper rashes. Unsurprisingly, that made the sensation of him taking off my underwear REALLY WEIRD. That’s super fucked-up, but maybe a lot of people have weird childhood residue like that and don’t realize it. Sometimes all it takes is saying, “Fuck it.”

Basically, my main piece of advice to you is to accept that you are a weird human-animal sex thing, you CAN have an orgasm, and you won’t die from it.

If you want to look at porn but porn sites intimidate you or piss you off, try getting inspired with James Deen and Nicole Ray, or James Deen and whoever, or Manuel Ferrara and whoever. They know how to treat the ladies.