Sophie’s Song: “Sophie The Sophist … had a sultry little tale … to melt the judge … who was made of fudge … and, wanted her in … jail.

SOPHIEPlease, Pistosi, you have to help me.

PISTOSI Can’t you just get someone else to speak for you?

SOPHIE How could I do that?

PISTOSI Someone who lacked an emotional connection to you might be better suited for your defense.

SOPHIE Pistosi, are you saying that you do notlack an emotional connection to me?

PISTOSI What? You’re not asking me to speak for you — you have to defend yourself. That’s the law.

SOPHIE I know. Precisely. So, why would you say what you just said? What help is that?

PISTOSI Well, you could keep that in mind when you are in front of the judge. Maybe it will help you stay composed. You won’t know who he’s going to be until you are in front of him, you know?

SOPHIE Of course, I realize this. He could be farmer whose wife has wandering eyes.

PISTOSI Or a carpenter with one lazy eye.

SOPHIEWhat difference would his lazy eye make?

PISTOSI Well, he’s only got one eye, and it’s lazy — might be hard for him to spot the truth.

SOPHIE But, we don’t want him to see the truth; we just need him to feel I’m innocent.

PISTOSI Precisely. So, what do you need me for?

SOPHIEI get nervous in front of strangers.

PISTOSI You get nervous in front of strangers!?

SOPHIE When my clothes are on, and I have do be myself — defending myself, yes.

PISTOSI Oh, come on, you’re not more yourself with your clothes on.

SOPHIE Pistosi … please just help me. I need to rehearse. I need to stay focused. I need a script.

PISTOSI I’ve never written anything before.

SOPHIE Well, now is your chance. You apathetic waste of time.

PISTOSI I haven’t wasted all of it. You’re just meeting me in … a stale period.

SOPHIE Well, time to freshen it up, then.

PISTOSIWhat did you do wrong?

SOPHIE I didn’t do anything wrong!

PISTOSI What are you accused of?

SOPHIECorrupting the young.

PISTOSI How many “young“?

SOPHIE Just “the young”. They apparently aren’t being bothered with specifics.

PISTOSI Well, that’s not a bad thing. It will be easier if they do not focus on any individual act. For all we know, the judge may have had personal experience with you. That would be awful. We need to stay positive. We cannot project any shame or hesitation. As you said, we only need him to believe you are innocent.

SOPHIEWe?

PISTOSI Yes, “we,” damn it.

SOPHIE Thank you, Pistosi.

PISTOSI You are welcome. Hah!

SOPHIE What?

PISTOSI I think that’s the first time I’ve ever said anything in appreciation for being appreciated.

SOPHIE Don’t get too proud of yourself, yet. We’ve got to convince a potentially familiar, random stranger that I’m an innocent person in front of a crowd of potentially familiar, random strangers.

PISTOSI The more random the better.

SOPHIE How so?

PISTOSI Mortals cannot select without bias.

SOPHIE Well, we don’t have eternity for trial and error.

PISTOSI You want to focus on your trial?

SOPHIE Of course.

PISTOSI Don’t be impious towards the deathless. We are disrespected enough.