$teve is not a name...it's a state of mind. From McGarrett to Young to Wonder to Austin to Vai to Ray Vaughan to Largent to Nash to Spielberg to Carell to Colbert to Martin to King to McQueen, all are great...but a $teve by any other name would still be just as great.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

The Robin's Next

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Tuesday night, Izzy & I watched a movie called “Outcast” that popped up on our Netflix suggestions. Why? I’m assuming because Nicolas Cage was in it (briefly) but you would know that as the story synopsis involves feudal China in the 12th century. What’s that? Why is Nicolas Cage in a story about 12th century China? Why he’s the mentor to Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen), duh!!! Oh, he’s in it too… did I mention that? Sorry, I’m still a little scattered from this movie. Shall I start from the beginning? My humblest apologies (the only apologies I know how to do). Our story begins during the Crusades… where two crusaders (Cage & Christensen) have a bit of a falling out during a battle. Smash cut to three years later in China… oh no, the movie does that… it’s not just my synopsis… to where an elderly Chinese monarch is dying… and has a moving conversation with his young son (says he’s 14 but couldn’t be more than 10 years old) and daughter (of not quite banging age, I’m sure) saying that the monarch wants his young son to be ruler… since his eldest son is basically a warlord. Who’s that at the door? It’s the warlord son, RUN!!! So they run… and within… probably three miles of their journey, they stumble upon to a town, are instantly recognized & the story is over. Roll credits. Wait! NO!!! That’s right… opiate addict Anakin Skywalker is in this restaurant where they’re capturing the young son & daughter… and while trippin’ balls, he sloughs a dozen or so elite “black guards” like it’s f**king nothing… and then they run off together. Of course, Anakin (okay, his name is Jacob in the movie) doesn’t want to take them anywhere… but then he has a premonition that this may help save his soul from all the horrible things that he did during the Crusades. What’s going to happen? Watch the movie… it involves Nicolas Cage stroking his beard with a snake looking like Egg Shen from “Big Trouble in Little China” and some decent fighting scenes… it’s pretty gritty though. Basically, if you like stuff like Game of Thrones, it’s not a bad watch. Don’t look too deep into the story or anything though… it’ll just piss you off.

My 19-year old cousin Alicia flew in last night & she and Izzy went to the zoo today (so you can catch picks on her blog someday) but since we haven’t done a whole lot yet together… here’s episode #2 of Movies by $teve!!! This edition, is kind of a continuation of last week’s “Rockford Files” casting… so now we cast what was basically the continuation of that series…

Magnum, P.I.

(queue that insanely awesome intro music)

Plot Summary: Fun-loving Vietnam (gulf war in reboot?) vet Thomas Magnum has turned his very particular set of skills into being a private investigator… and is employed by a ludicrously wealthy author Robin Masters. Magnum lives on the Masters Estate in Hawaii… which is ran by a very strict disciplined man named Jonathan Higgins. It seems that just about every week that Magnum is… well, not necessarily hired for a case… but usually involved in some sort of shenanigans involving gun play, fights with the Yakuza, saving an old Navy friend, an attack on the life of Robin Masters (they didn’t like his latest book?) or some sort of hit squad… and he usually needs to call on his friends TC & Rick to help out. Oh… and he does it all in the tiniest f**king short shorts that you’ve ever used to wrangle a python. Enjoy!

Thomas Magnum – Timothy Olyphant – Everybody know that Tom Selleck was the original Magnum. There’s just not a Tom Selleck out there other than Tom Selleck… but he’s 70 years old now. He still looks like he’s in his late 40’s but fun fact: He was 35-43 years old when he was playing the role of Tom Magnum in the 80’s. Let that sink in for a minute… next year is my 35th birthday. Coincidence? Why do I say this? Timothy Olyphant is 47 years old… looks like he’s in his early 30’s… and was born in Honolulu… so he was a teenager when Magnum was on the air… so he’s basically BRED for this role. That is all FACT!!! He’s also had similar smart-ass action roles… and is taller than most actors at six-foot. Sure there may be bigger draws like Matthew McConaughey (45) or taller actors like Joel McHale (43) but I just like the idea of Timothy getting another shot at big budget movie leading man stuff… and this role kinda suits him. Of course he will have the moustache… and maybe a scene or two in the speedo or short shorts… but yeah, don’t want it to be too distracting.

Jonathan Higgins – Gary Oldman – Higgins is the caretaker of “The Robin’s Nest” which is the humble sprawling abode of Robin Masters… and he was a decorated sergeant major in the British Army before joining the private sector and he’s usually joined by his Dobermans Zeus & Apollo. He tells a good “old war story” from time to time… but does not care for Magnum’s lack of discipline or antics… but there’s definitely some underlying respect and/or rapport… but still plenty of witful banter between the two. Though I could see that role going to somebody like Ewan McGregor, Jude Law, or any other British actor out there… but Gary Oldman is a f**king chameleon who can pull off the understated “I’ve seen some sh*t” that underlies Higgins’ character if you want a more dramatic movie. He will also have the moustache… but you should pretty much know that by now.

Ted “TC” Calvin – Terry Crews – This former Marine turned tourist helicopter pilot is an old buddy of Magnum… and I can think of a more charismatic, hilarious& chiseled human being to play the part than Mr. AB-DOMINAAAAAAAAAAALS himself, Sir Terance Alan Crews. You may know him from various things like “Expendables”, “White Chicks”, “Everybody Hates Chris”, “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”, “Norbit” and perhaps the greatest role in cinema history, President Camacho in “Idiocracy” but he’s a very versatile actor… and I just want to see him in more things. I almost put him in my “Rockford Files” reboot until I realized the only African-American role in… well, the whole series… would’ve been Gandolph Fitch & Wesley Snipes just needs it more.

“Rick” Wright – Mark Wahlberg - His full name is Orville Wilbur Richard Wright… but you can just call him Rick & he is a bit of playboy who manages the King Kamehameha Club (also owned & operated by Robin Masters) but he’s also an ex-Marine and helps Magnum out whenever needed… usually… when it benefits him. Okay… so the first time that I saw the series… I swear that “Boogie Nights” Marky Mark went back in time& played Rick in the TV show… you simply can’t deny the resemblance. Is it racist? I don’t think so… but yeah, Mark Wahlberg as Rick. There really wasn’t even an alternative. Like Vince Vaughn as Rockford in the last one, Marky Mark was born to play Rick Wright.

Robin Masters – Voice of Alan Rickman – This mysterious man of mystery who, I suspect, does a LOT more than just write books (I always thought that he was based on Stephen King with Bill Gates money & even more influence) was never seen on camera save for a few shots of his hand holding a glass of brandy on his private jet… but he was voiced by the legendary Orson Welles. I like to keep the mystery as to what Robin Masters looks like… and even really playing with the idea that he’s really Tom Cruise/Ethan Hunt from the Mission: Impossible movies this whole time… but we’ll save it for one of the many sequels. Instead, there are many great actors with many distinct voices that could be used such as Christopher Walken, Jack Nicholson, Jeremy Irons, Liam Neeson, Kevin Spacey, Tim Curry, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Anthony Hopkins, Sean Connery, Patrick Stewart, Jon Hamm, or even legendary voice actor Maurice LaMarche AS Orson Welles… and there’s really no wrong answer in this world. Hell, I’d even try to work out a way that the ghost of Vincent Price was the voice of Sir Masters… but the Voice of God is gonna be my choice… or IS IT? Sigh… yeah… it is… or Maurice LaMarche. Then the big reveal at the end is that it’s actually dame Helen Mirren with a voice synthesizer. Robin’s a sexually flexible name. MAGICK!!!

The Bad Guy – Ken Watanabe – The Yakuza usually play a big part in the crime surrounding Hawaii on the show… so it only makes sense that Magnum would be involved in one of the plots. Maybe the Yakuza are attempting to assassinate Robin Masters or something… I don’t know, earn your own keep Hollywood! However, for an actor of Japanese descent, you really can’t go wrong with Ken Watanabe. Yes, there will be a couple (implied) gruesome scenes involving cutting off fingers, making an unwitting American fall on their sword after falling him, all that usual stuff… but yeah, there’s gonna be a lot of gunplay and martial arts in the finale. Also, I have Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson showing up for a brief altercation opposite TC (Crews) at the Club to keep the action going. Maybe a quick bar fight… why not?

The Director – Michael Mann – One important thing that I forgot to mention with the Rockford Files is that there needs to be a certain tone & overall feel to the movie which requires a certain touch behind the camera. For the Rockford Files, being heavy on the humor, maybe somebody like Vince Vaughn’s buddy Jon Favreau might be able to do it along with some great thrilling action & storytelling as well. However, for Magnum, I really like the kind of vibe that came when Michael Mann did the “Miami Vice” movie… but perhaps with a bit more humor & banter between the characters. There are definitely scenes in “Collateral” that had that vibe though… and “Heat” is of course legendary… so yeah, I’d be intrigued how Michael Mann would do with a project like this.

So yeah… you’re welcome once again, Hollywood! I’m sh*tting out summer blockbusters not based on comic books. Also, tell me that anybody is going to say “no thank you” to shooting a movie in Hawaii for three months minimum? Anyway, something to percolate on… have a great weekend everybody!!!