I got catfished. Because you can’t trust anyone on (or off) the internet.

Toay I’m going to tell you about the time I got catfished. But not in the “traditional” way. It’s not like one of these stories where you fall in love with someone online but then find out that your lover is actually a married 68 year old man. No, this is a much different way.

When I was 24 years old I booked a one-way flight to Eat. Pray. Love. my way across China and Southeast Asia: Adventure! Self Actualization! A Journey Inward!

I also got drunk alone a lot.

China was a new kind of lonely. No longer self-imposed, but absolute. There were a million people within a six-foot radius and I could communicate with 0% of them. So I did what loners do (Hi, guys) and started a small blog to keep in touch with friends (all three of them) and family (who never read it).

But then someone started leaving comments. Her name was Renee and she’d also spent a year backpacking by herself! She was fifteen years older than me and randomly stumbled across my blog. We had so much in common and she really seemed wonderful, so I decided to take our relationship to the next level: I gave her my email address.

I know it’s hard to imagine, but I used to be really good at keeping secrets. I know I’ve told you about my sex life, the psych ward, and my ex’s naked photo, but back then I was just a dread-infested twenty-something on the 7th floor of a Chinese apartment.

Suffice it to say, I was primed to pour my heart and soul out to this person.

We started with the usual stuff:

“Haha I can’t identify the food I’m eating this is so fun I think I have dysentery but this is what your 20s are for, YOLO”

And moved on to:

“I feel fundamentally flawed and am all alone in this world, shouting into the void.”

Our correspondence went on for several months as I opened up about all sorts of things I’d never even told my friends. Then one day I saw a new email from her and the first line, visible before I opened it, said: “Aussa, I’m afraid I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

Turns out she hadn’t just found me online, how crazy, she’d actually been sent my way for a very specific reason.

TLDR; they asked her to befriend me so I would trust her when she suggested I get back in touch with them.

I’ve felt foolish at many points in my life, but nothing wounds quite as much as discovering you’ve shared something with someone but JOKES ON YOU they already knew it and that’s why they cozied up to you in the first place.

Apparently she lived with my parents when she was a little girl. They’d been group home parents at a “Boys Ranch” and even though they only accepted boys she was somehow placed with them and it was THE BEST TIME OF HER LIFE. Listen, Crazy. I’m glad you have such great memories from 1978 but a few things have happened since then.

I never emailed her back, even though I’m sure she meant well.

As you may have guessed, I failed to achieve self-actualization by the time I returned to the States. Instead, I embarked on a whole new tour of life’s dumbest choices. I was still caught up in trying to run from things I didn’t want to think about, creating diversions for myself and everyone else and keeping my mouth shut about all the things I knew I couldn’t say.

Then at some point, I just stopped: running, keeping secrets, trying to convince anyone I was anything other than exactly what I’d always been. It was all the best sorts of cliches: a weight lifted and a clean slate and a fresh start.

But not everyone likes it when you stop being whatever they’re used to you being.

I recently received a message from someone who knew me before I started writing online. They think I should be ashamed of the things I’ve written— not the actually things I’m writing about, but the fact I shamelessly cop to it all. To them, it was better when I was grinning and bearing and keeping my mouth shut.

Again, I think they actually meant well— which is what scares me more than anything else.

We’re taught to be wary of the bogeyman or the predator with the rapey van, but sometimes the people who think they’re helping are the ones primed to inflict the most pain.

I’m not sure what to take away from all of this, other than TRUST NO ONE EVER. But that still misses the mark. I think the real task, the great mission, the one last step in this fake quest for self-actualization is not to stop trusting people, but to trust myself. I’ve done some stupid shit in the past, but I’m the only one who really has to live with it.

I don’t know that I’ve technically been catfished, but I have been lied to by a few too many men on the internet, usually about their marital status. My gut always tells me when something is amiss, but I still haven’t learned how to totally trust my instincts, which is ridiculous, because I’m approaching 48 and should be smarter by now.

Have I ever been catfished? Yes. And yes I should have known better. I was taught at a very young age to trust no one and I usually keep that in mind. This person got under my guard and like you I told them things I would not have ever told anyone and somethings I haven’t told anyone since. Yup, got hurt big time. Didn’t listen to my gut screaming at me. I never made that mistake again. When I tell people I’m not a trusting sort of person they don’t realize just how much I mean it. One thing I have learned and took it to heart with a passion. Always. Be. Yourself.

Wow…
“I am aware now…” is written on my bathroom mirror. Has been for over twenty years… (I don’t wash that part) but I DID wash the part that said “Who’s afraid of the big bad penis” after I got married the second time…
My other saying, “There’s a fine line between learning your lessons well and living in the past” came along because since I DIDN’T trust ANYBODY, I was always being told to ‘quit living in the past’ to which I replied, “I have learned my lessons well.”
It is and was a losing battle.
And, I don’t have any good advice 🙁
Trust your gut, especially when it sends tracers to your ears and electric currents to your eyes.
And dogs.
And kids.
It’s impossible to fool them… after the treats are gone, they will tell you all you need to know about a person.
In the meantime, pat yourself on the back 🙂 YOU have survived a covert Mom and Pop spy situation AND a bunch of other stuff I’m not getting off the couch for 😉
#MightyGirl !!

Mine did something like that to me, but nowhere near the creepiness level of your experience. I was a troubled teenager with alcoholic parents…also an honor student and a violinist, so no common warning signs that I was becoming suicidal. Apparently they asked my fundamentalist violin teacher and his wife to “lay hands on me and let the spirit of God flow into me”. I had no idea he was a fundamentalist; we were very liberal Episcopalians. It scared me half to death. Finally I had to let them do it or they wouldn’t let me go back to my dorm (I was at Tanglewood). To my relief, nothing happened. But I was quite started that my parents, generally too self-absorbed to pay any attention to us, had not only noticed something amiss but had told somebody outside the family.

Wow. Yeah, that sounds like a creepy experience. I met a girl in China, who was from the states, whose Mother took her for an exorcism because she was depressed. Now that I think about it… I don’t think I’ll complain too much about this story, ha.

OMG. This is sad and horrifying all at once. Someone who has had such trust broken and then to have this person do this to you. I just don’t know what to say. Did you find this out about her recently, or have you known about her for a while now?

I also had my trust broken by my parents. Not in the same way as yours (I told you about it once but don’t know if you remember). I thought it taught me how to NOT be conned. But, I was conned again. When I hated myself for being such a fool, someone told me that just because a few people used trust for evil purposes, doesn’t mean trust is bad. Trust is a virtuous thing.

I loved your second to last sentence. That’s a wise quote for anyone. Thanks for sharing this, Aussa.

I found about it in 2010– so I’ve had plenty of time to stop trusting people 😉

Honestly… I feel like I constantly learned the same lessons over and over again. It’s like the Moral Fairy was super persistent and wanted to make sure I really *got* it. At least that was all my 20s. Time will tell what my 30s want to teach me.

That would require a more active relationship on our part and me turning into an idiot. I love my baby sister dearly and even trust her, but I always check when someone claims something or offers something etc.

In 1978 I worked with a woman who wanted to be my friend. I was this budding young lesbian, she was cute, and she kept giving me attention. One morning as we got . off work (night shift in the hospital) she asked me to go get pancakes and I finally said yes. She ended up driving me 20 miles outside of town to a fundy tent show as she was going to “save” me.1978,before cell phones but I just ran away as fast as I could until I came across a bait shop and called my friends to come get me.
I don’t know if that is catfishing, but I do see the common theme of toxic fundy religious types.The idea that someone “knows whats best” and can do anything including lie to get you in the fold is very disturbing.I remain interested in the toxic fundy world and that is how I found your blog. It was your story about busting your dad for his down low behavior. I am glad I found you, I enjoy your writing. You get to tell your own truth, and by the sound of it I think you are kicking ass. Congrats too on the marriage thing, he seems nice.

I love your posts Aussa – they make me think, laugh, ponder, reflect. I did one of those trips to Europe in my 20’s as well, but that was WAY before we had cell phones and blogs, etc. It was a different time where communication was mostly done in person. I find myself in agreement with you – the real trick, the ultimate challenge is to trust yourself. If you are true to that person (you) you find you really don’t care a whole lot about whether others are trustworthy. And sadly, I find I don’t trust myself a lot of the time – so I can’t be all that mad at those who break my trust. Sorry your parents chose to deceive you by sending Renee in. I don’t know your story with them, but it sounds like they are desperate to re-connect. We make bad choices when we are desperate. Anyway, thanks so much for making me laugh once again. I work so many hours I don’t have time to read much, but I always take the time to read your posts.

And it’s crazy to think how much travel has changed– I feel like I was just on the cusp. No cell phone, but I had a laptop and access to google things and post photos. In the future, even that will seem super “off the grid.” There are so many good things about the world becoming more accessible and connected, but I wonder if we’re going to lose our sense of adventure.

Trust is something you have to get good at, and it’s not one dimensional. My retired friend JT once told me “You can’t trust my son” and I replied “Sure I can. I can trust him to show up here an hour late, try to con some money out of you to pay for the dump, fail, go to his mom and succeed, and then tell us ‘I’ll be right back’ as he walks out the door to go buy drugs with the money.” JT just groaned and put his head in his hands. Then, an hour later, his son, while walking out the door, said “I’ll be right back, what’s so funny?” as we laughed at him for doing literally exactly what I had predicted. It wasn’t that hard of a call. He did it every damn time.

I was recently sort of shocked when this brave, articulate, and funny young Muslim woman whose blog I had been reading and commenting on turned out to be a guy closer to my age. I told him that the only clue I’d had was that the Muslim woman didn’t seem like she was old enough to know about the music she claimed to like. I had to think about whether or not to reply to him at all, but I decided I would, based on one of my own closely held ethical views, that being that when someone takes that first real step in the right direction from whatever errant path they are on, I have to show some sort of support for that behavior. He was coming clean about not just that, but multiple online deceptions, and claimed to be unsure if he could write in his own voice, so even though I was mightily pissed about the deception, I still replied to his new online persona. If he turns out to be something else entirely (Trump operative, FBI agent, carcinogenic slime-mold) I can handle that, as it would fall outside my own operating standards and I could then cheerfully tell him to fuck off.

I’ve probably been and am currently being catfished, but remain clueless. Definitely a betrayal of trust, but it was your parents’ desperate (albeit twisted and deceitful) attempt to reunite with you. Silver lining? Probably not… but an indication that they care.

I have had family members express concern with my blogging family secrets. Been told, okay to share my shit, but not to betray others’ privacy and be disrespectful. Sometimes, I’ll revise a post, tweaking the language I used to be less judgemental, more compassionate, yet still honest.

When writing as you do, the posts fall flat without your signature flat out in-your-face blunt use of yes-it-was-this-fucking-crazy storytelling. Keep the stories coming – please, for those of us entertained.

Yeah. I’ve been on that self actualization journey for a while now and you totally nailed it. Working on trusting yourself. I just wish I’d figured it out a few decades sooner; but it’s never too late. It’s so much more important to trust yourself first. That way, when someone tries to catfish you, you’ll smell it a mile away. And when you get that niggling little feeling inside telling you to beware, you won’t blow it off. The more you trust yourself, the more you’ll find life will rock. (As me how I know!)

I definitely listen to that feeling now– though it took many many tries to perfect it. Sometimes I’m aware of people’s shit intentions and just go with it anyway. Because I’m curious. That’s probably the latest in my new wave of shady choices 😉

I don’t think I have ever been catfished. But if I have, I never figured it out or they never owned up to it. The reason I don’t THINK I have is because I have known the people I open up to or tell things to because I already have a hard time trusting anyone. The ironic thing about me is that there are many who trust ME..lol. I can keep secrets and folks open up to me who never talk to others. I can be trusted because I do not pass judgement. I am the last person on this planet who has a right to judge anyone. Glass houses and all… you know? I can count on one hand how many people I have opened up to in my life. ONE hand! I am 53 years old Aussa. The one person who has burned me the most is my own mother. She doesn’t know all my secrets and she never will. We do not speak anymore… her choice. But I do not trust her, will not play her games, will not tolerate all of the ugly things she has said about me, my husband and the kind of parent I am. She burned the last bridge when she chose not to come to my daughter’s wedding last summer. The ONLY grandchild she will ever see walk down the aisle. She was asked, sent an invitation and several people (including my perfect brother) tried to get her to put pride aside and be there. It could have been a time of healing.. getting things behind us. But no. Her excuse? My daughter didn’t let her be a part of the wedding planning and I (me) made sure she wasn’t included. Untrue… but whatever. Sooo, I am done. D.O.N.E. which sounds awful since she is my mom, but I can’t help that. She is either bi-polar, delusional or has early onset of Alzheimer’s but I can’t do anything about it anymore. At some point, you have to take care of yourself and your own and protect them against whoever would do them harm no matter who they are……

It’s really sad that oftentimes the people who are “supposed” to take care of us, protect us, etc. are in the best position to wound us in ways other people couldn’t achieve. I’m sorry about your Mom, and I’m sorry she didn’t come to your daughter’s wedding. That’s pretty low… Weddings are such a complicated web of people’s expectations and hurt feelings.

Yes, I have been. I find it very hard to trust anyone and while I have people I talk to and hang out with, there is only three people that I trust with most things, some things are best left unsaid 😉 None of whom are my parents or brother. I love all your posts but this one hit something inside me.

What Sherry says!! Trust is a form of courage indeed. Sorry this happened to you and your trust was broken. I think I have been catfished on occasion but apparently everything happens for a reason and here I am still living my life. Keep being you, I love your stories 🙂

I suppose I’m too oblivious to know if I’ve been catfished. My parents wouldn’t; my wife wouldn’t; but my ex most certainly would. What would she or anyone else get out of it? I don’t know. Catfishing the distracted and heedless seems an awful lot of effort for very little reward.

That said, I’d echo comments of others: Trust your gut. You have good instincts, as shown by your ability to analyze and dissect the different events of your life. You’ll get even better at it with time.

I think it’s the *listening* to my instincts that I’m still waiting to full develop, ha. But seriously! “seems an awful lot of effort for very little reward.” This is what I think of the internet catfish people. Like… wouldn’t it be so much easier to just be who you are? I’m exhausting enough without having to fake it.

At the end of the day, who gives a rat’s ass, as long as you’re happy. I know it’s hard to believe, but I’ve been lied to hundreds, if not thousands of times in my career as a cop. The funny things is, that I believe I know 95% of the time when I’m being lied to, and sometimes I let the person win and other times I don’t. The 5% of the time I don’t know if I’m being lied to, I let the person off (if it’s something outside of murder, rape, etc.) and never lose any sleep over it. Younger police officers always shake their head and ask me how I know i’m not being played. Pffft to that. I’m never played, because it’s my decision to let a person go or not, but whether I’m lied to, I don’t always know, and it doesn’t matter. You let this person and maybe they made you feel foolish for what, a couple of days or a week? Did you get satisfaction for many weeks before that being their online friend? Then good on you. You controlled that and you got what you needed from them, even if it was a farce on the other end. You’re a wonderful woman with an amazing past that I can’t wait to read about in a best selling book one day, Aussa. It surprises me when you are duped because you’re one of those people who are so in control of their lives. Well, you make it seem that way at least. Jesus, did any of this make sense? Probably not, but it’s 2 pm and I’m a six pack in already because it’s my birthday and i’m home with a sick kid. Lol. Also, I may have thought catfishing was a sex thing before reading this. Shhhhhh. I’m still “hip,” right?

I’m glad I already wished you a happy birthday on Facebook, Don, because I’m like five years late on my blog comments. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I don’t think I’ve ever lied to a cop– I’m always like “yeah… sorry about that, my tail light has been burned out since three days after I bought this car five years ago, oops.” Of course, that was a college town, where you got pulled over for existing.

Aussa! I don’t believe I’ve ever been catfished, I just don’t think I am that important or interesting. However I am well aware of what having your trust stomped, ground up, lit on fire, put out with piss, and thrown back in your face. Not in the least bit pleasent,yet somehow I always seem to find my way back to trust. Not those that did me wrong, but let all kinds of new folks have a whirl at it!

As a man i think i am very gullible, I was taught to belief in the best of people and be nice. Thus i probably been catfished many times that i lost count. What usually happens is that i trust in this total stranger because part of me wants to be liked and treated as nice and humble as i treat the other person. But as it turn out there is no common sense. There is no thinking before they act/say/do something. And on the net the idea that they can remain anonimous by hiding behind this fake persona is like a shield they form over themselves.

I came to find your blog Aussa 2 years ago while i was searching for my own job social problems. I believe the first post i read was the one about your previous job and the interactions with your co-workers. I was hooked by your stories. I am glad i subscribe. Since it makes me forget how bad my life is for a little while.

Thanks Jorge! I’m glad you’ve stuck with me over the last two years– a lot has changed, ha.

I was also raised to be nice to everyone and try to be likeable. I generally think of this as a very “female” trait, so it’s interesting that you relate. Alex told me the other day that his default reaction to things (like when people approach him, ask for stuff, etc.) is “no.” Mine is most definitely “yes.” Yes to everything unless someone goes out of their way to give me a reason. Pretty crazy to think about.

It’s been a while since I’ve visited you over here, but I’m glad to see that you’re as entertaining as ever! I base my trust for each individual based purely off of my gut instinct. I used to think I was judging people, but I’ve learned that my gut doesn’t lie. So I listen to it and act accordingly!

“Listen and act accordingly” is perfect. Why aren’t we taught that? Maybe you can’t… because yeah, it’s like you have to differentiate between unfounded judgement and “yeah that person would steal my iPhone if I got hit by a car.”

You just have to keep on getting the crazy stories out in the atmosphere to dissipate over time. Truth (Especially yours lol) is always stranger than fiction and if you keep it all suppressed it will become a very messy time bomb just looking for a place to explode. Keep writing em out and we will all keep reading. You are kicking lifes ass and we wanna hear about it. Keep rocking Aussa