Ask Dr. Amy

Dear Dr. Amy: My son didn’t make the football team! He is devastated. We have hired a specialty defense instructor. The poor kid has my husband’s weak knees, poor kid. What else should we do? I have heard of football players taking ballet. Do you know anything about this?

Signed, I already bought the jersey …

Dear Sidelined Mom:

Parents tend to think their most important role is helping their kids succeed. But what about the importance of teaching kids to fail? There is a compelling body of evidence that kids need help learning how to fail.

How do we help a kid cope when he or she doesn’t get picked for the team or the lead in the school play … but rather is cast as “the rock”?

What about when Harvard passes on their application? Not learning to tolerate the disappointment of failure leaves kids with an inability to cope when the inevitable failure does occur. And perhaps even more important, it can make kids give up trying.

The greatest success stories most often start as stories of failure. We tend to remember the success, but the true legends failed espically and repeatedly long before they hit the mark.

It is through failure that we learn, grow, and ultimately succeed. Famous basketball star Michael Jordan has spoken a lot about turning failure into success.

He said, “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

In fact, he wasn’t chosen for the varsity team as a sophomore in high school. The coaches recognized that if Jordan made the team, he would almost never play. Instead, they put him on the JV team where he could better hone his skills. Jordan was devastated.

He has told the story of crying in his room, ready to abandon his dreams of playing ball. It was his mother who spoke to him about picking himself up and doing what champions do — try, learn, try again. So he played JV and worked himself to the limit.

Being able to cope with frustration and disappointment is an important life skill to master. It will help a kid become more independent and ultimately succeed in future endeavors — whether the goals are athletic, personal, or academic. Unfortunately, as the world puts increasing pressure on kids to win, we are seeing more and more kids who become panic-stricken over the smallest misstep.

So how do we help kids to learn to fail and get back on the horse? My advice to parents in many situations starts with acknowledgment and empathy. Please don’t say, “Don’t worry, it’s no big deal."

Rather, offer validation of their feelings: “I know you really wanted to get on the team. I can see that you’re really bummed out about this.”

Let the child talk if he wants to, but it’s also OK to give him some space to process his feelings.

These are teachable moments and an opportunity to help your children develop problem-solving skills. Ask them what they might do differently next time.

For example, teach your teenager to come up with a study plan (not writing it yourself!) or suggesting they talk to the teacher when they start to struggle

It is also important for parents to serve as role models for disappointment. Don’t just tell kids about the promotion you got. Tell them about the college you didn’t get into or the internship you missed out on.

Kids are rarely exposed to the reality of the time we took the wrong path and had to figure out how to get back on track. And if fear of failure impairs daily functioning, it may be time to talk to your pediatric provider, who may refer you to a therapist.

Amy Lyons, a local therapist with URMC, said treatment may involve “exposure therapy,” a type of cognitive behavioral therapy.

“The idea is to get them used to the notion that things don’t have to be perfect and it’s not the end of the world,” she said. “A kid can learn to acknowledge the discomfort and, with practice, learn to cope with it.”

It’s hard to watch your child fail. Think back to when she was learning to walk — if you had never let go of her hands, she would have never experienced the pride of succeeding on her own.