Friday, June 11, 2010

Moving on

What could I do other than move on with my life? She had not been a part of my life for a few years, and the chance phone conversation we had obviously gave me quite a bit to think about.

I played the conversation over and over in my head. The more I thought about it, the less I understood why she said all of the things that she said about me to her friend. It was like she was talking about a completely different relationship...not ours. The things she said were not even true. We talked on the phone often, but at random times throughout the day...not way late so I was keeping her up. She usually came to visit me instead of the other way around because of her family at home. She always told me it was easier that way. I am not sure what she meant about not telling my family about her. It was difficult, but I told them about her before I ever started my contact with her.

I was beyond confused, but had no choice other than to move on. I had wanted to know what happened, why she stopped all contact with me...I got my answer. Not at all what I wanted to hear, but it was an answer.

I am pretty good at hiding my feelings. I had years of practice, so it really didn't take much effort to muster up a smile and act like everything was OK. Any spare time that I had, I filled it with other tasks to keep my mind busy. The key was to stay as busy as possible so I didn't have time to think. If I didn't have time to think, I didn't have time to feel. That was the plan, at least. However, this was different. It was much more difficult than I thought.

The fact that I was rejected by my birth mom for the second time hurt me to the core. No matter how hard I tried to bottle it up and stuff it as deep as I could, the reality was still there. Every time I looked at one of my own kids, I wondered "how could a mother reject her own child?". I understood the adoption part of it...she was young, she thought she was doing the right thing by me. I got that. I had accepted that. But to be given a second chance, just to reject me again was like a slap in the face. I started questioning myself and wondering what was wrong with me. Why didn't she want me? What made me so unlovable?

A couple months had passed and still no word. You would think, by now, I would not be holding on to the hope that she would call or write. She had proven to me that she was not interested. She had completely bashed me and our relationship to a new friend of hers, but there I was...still waiting, wondering if today was going to be the day.

After talking to my bf's one day, I finally got the push that I needed. I was forced into reality and realized that I had 3 babies of my own that needed me. I had been so depressed and so hurt by everything that had happened, that I was not the mother that my own children deserved. It was time for a change. As much as it hurt, as hard as it was, I HAD to let her go. So, I sat down and wrote her a letter.

I can't remember everything that I wrote about. I told her that it would be the last letter or form of contact that she received from me. I took the comments that she had made in her letter into consideration as I wrote it, mentioning several false accusations she had mentioned. It wasn't an angry letter, but it was very honest and straight forward. I mentioned feeling hurt about the things that I heard her say. I told her that if she would have voiced her thoughts and feelings to me, we maybe wouldn't have got to the point we were at. I told her that I was hurt, but needed closure to the situation so I was basically saying good-bye. I told her from that point forward, the ball was in her court. I had tried and tried to force a relationship that she obviously resented and I was done. I wanted her in my life, but I didn't have anything left. I fought for four years, and received nothing...not one letter, one phone call, absolutely nothing.

It was around Christmas when I wrote the letter and for some reason I felt compelled to include our photo Christmas card. She had not seen my 3 year old and 9 month old before. I had withheld sending pictures with any letters I wrote her while we weren't talking. It was really just my way of controlling the situation as much as I could. Crazy, but true. In order to truly move on, I felt like I needed to let go of my anger towards her and the situation as much as possible. I guess the pictures were a peace offering of sorts.

I read the letter twenty times, at least, before I finally sealed the envelope and dropped it in the mail. As I dropped it in the mailbox, I did feel a small glimmer of hope as I walked away. I hoped that maybe she would find it in her to want to call me. Maybe something I said in the letter would move her just enough to want to reconcile our relationship.

Hope was the only thing that kept me going. Others may think of it as a weakness...pathetic, ridiculous, naive..whatever you want to call it. However, for me, hope was the one thing that no one could take from me. When I found myself in the darkest moments of my life, all I could do was hope for a sunnier tomorrow. So that is what I did.

Can I ask what happened with your birthmom? What was the reunion like? Why did it go badly? I'm scared of being distant with my child if he fades from my life and this open adoption goes south. I'd really like to hear about your experience.

Lia...I'm sure the feeling of "Ahh you depress me." is somewhat mutual. I'm not trying to be mean, because I know that you wrote an apology post on your blog. My issue is that you are coming to adoptees' blogs, asking for answers to questions for which you don't really want the truth..not yet anyway. I hope you get to the point where you can handle the truth..

Jen, I came across your blog from out of the fog, I stayed up until about 1am last night reading most of your story from the beginning and I really wanted to comment, but didn't think I could put a coherent sentence together at that hour so I waited until this morning...we'll see how I do today =)

First let me say I am so so sorry for the way your birth mother has treated you, as you put it "rejected by my birth mom for the second time". My heart aches for you. I have no idea why she would do this (it baffles me) so I won't even begin to guess.

The reason your story interested me was for two reasons, one is that you are on the other side of the fence than I am (as a birth mother) and second, that you have already been reunited with your birth mom. I loved reading the way you described the "honeymoon" phase. I am sure there is proper terminology for all of the phases, but I don't them at this point. I can so relate to feeling like that.

I appears our situations are flip flopped tho. My son who was placed for adoption when I was 17 years old just turned 18 in April. I "found" him when he was 16 so I had been waiting two years at that point to contact him. I have never stopped thinking about him and wondering how he was and who he looked like and if he hated me for what I had done. I sent him a pkg as well as a letter for his birthday and he wrote back to me 3 weeks later. He said he wanted us to write for a while and then meet somewhere down the road. I was exstatic and elated! We wrote back and forth a few times and I was on cloud 9, or as you put it, the honeymoon. Then we connected on fb and I found myself wanting more and more at that point. I wanted to comment on his status, send messages and chat when I saw him online. I always asked him if I was overwhelming him but he always assured me I wasn't. I started feeling a little obsessive and ignoring my family here so I tried to back off a little. Once he graduated at the end of May he quit writing letters back to me. His return messages on fb started to taper off (he never initiated one, it was always me) and now we really aren't communicating at all. I am really sad about this and do not want to lose him again for the second time. I know it's just the beginning and I feel so unsure and find myself second guessing everything I do! I guess my point here is that you have much more time under your belt with this and I am only going into the 3rd MONTH. I don't know if he is just living up his last summer as a kid before he goes off to college or if he has just lost interest in connecting with me already or if it's just not as important to him as it is to me. I feel so needy with him and I don't want to scare him off worse by asking him these questions myself. I know you can't answer these questions for me, but I was just looking for some insight as an adoptee who has been there. Whenever I have teasingly said "hey my mailbox is still empty" he tells me he is just really busy right now, but then I see him posting on fb to his friends that he is locked up in his house all the time with nothing to do cuz his parents took his car away until he gets a job...I am so lost and just plain sad.

I look forward to reading the next chapter in your unfolding story. Thank you for putting yourself out there. Whether you know it or not now, you are helping other people out there by sharing your experience.

@Jen, since I am reading your blog from the beginning, I see so many similarities in our situations. The only thing is I am the mom.

"I had tried and tried to force a relationship that she obviously resented and I was done. I wanted her in my life, but I didn't have anything left. I fought for four years, and received nothing...not one letter, one phone call, absolutely nothing."

I know exactly that feeling...I have recently gone through it...for the 5th time.

About Me

I have known that I was adopted my entire life. Despite seeing reunions of adopted children and their natural parents on daytime talk shows growing up, I never consciously thought or imagined it would happen to me. Unexpectedly, at the age of 24, I was reunited with my natural mom. Upon meeting her, my life has been forever changed. I started this blog to journal about my adoption and reunion and the emotional roller coaster I've been on for the past 8 years. Thanks for coming along and joining me on this crazy ride.