Yom Kippur, Still Single

I slowly began to realize that Yom Kippur is a gift, not a burden.

Growing up, I often heard Yom Kippur described as the “saddest day of the year,” but I wasn’t sure what the women in my synagogue were crying about. Maybe they felt true remorse for their sins. Maybe they cried because they were begging God for a good year; their heartfelt wishes for the future bringing them to tears.

When I turned ten, I started spending the day with my mother in shul. As we walked there together, she would tell me, “This is your chance to ask for what you want. Whatever you’re going to get this year will be decided today. So it’s important that you pray with a lot of concentration.” I tried to follow her instructions, but as the hours dragged by, I was grateful for my Artscroll machzor, which had lengthy commentaries in English.

My mother thought that she was helping me by giving a purpose to my day. But I ended up with performance anxiety. I worried that if I didn’t do my job properly, I wouldn’t have a good year.

After I graduated high school and started dating, Yom Kippur took on an added urgency. This was the day when things would be decided for the coming year, when God would decide whether to grant me with a husband or not before the next year’s High Holidays. “You have a lot to pray for,” my mother would say. “What time do you plan on getting to shul tomorrow?” my father would ask.

I was beginning to feel uncomfortable in our synagogue. The single girls that sat at our table were all married now, and I thought I detected glances of pity from some of my mother’s friends. It was hard to focus on the prayers with everyone staring at me. The climax of the day came at Neilah. I knew from the many lessons I’d received in school on the subject that this was my last chance to submit my requests before the heavenly gates shut.

“Try to bring yourself to cry,” my teachers said every year. “The gates of Heaven are never closed to tears.”

I don’t cry easily. Watching the women around me sobbing into their machzorim made me wonder if there was something thing wrong with me. I buried my face in my Artscroll and hoped that no one was looking at me too closely.

My relationship with Yom Kippur has evolved over the years. I can’t point to one specific moment when I began thinking differently about the holiday, but slowly I began to realize that Yom Kippur is a gift. It’s a chance for me to go through the painful process of enumerating where I’ve gone wrong in the past year, and emerge on the other side feeling light and free, ready to begin again. This day wasn’t about feeling bad for myself. I had a purpose here. I needed to ask for forgiveness for a year’s worth of mistakes, and I needed to rededicate myself to serving God. Asking for a husband was part of that, but by no means all of it.

I was grateful to realize that the correct approach to Yom Kippur did not involve approaching the day with a mental shopping list. It was day of getting in touch with who I am and my place in the world, accepting what He has given me thus far, and asking for the opportunity to be a part of His world in the coming year.

Even though I know that Yom Kippur is an important, once-a-year opportunity, it can be hard to get into the right mindset. I imagine myself entering shul and heading to my regular seat. There will be girls my age and younger who have gotten married or had children in the past year, while I still look the same. Part of me thinks, “Here we go again. Another Yom Kippur, and I’m still praying for the same thing. God didn’t answer my prayers last year – what makes me think it’ll be any different this time around?”

It would be tragic if I let my loneliness and despair distract me from all I could achieve.

But then I remember. I have work to do, and it would be tragic if I let my loneliness and despair distract me from all I could achieve. If God decides to grant some of my requests, all the better, but I won’t judge the day a success or failure based on that.

This past Yom Kippur, I realized that I wanted to teach in a college program. I had been feeling frustrated and under-stimulated at my job, but didn’t know what to do next. I’d been considering many options, but it never occurred to me to try and teach adults. It seemed like an impossible dream at the time. I couldn’t visualize myself getting up in front of a classroom, and it took me a few months to gather the courage to even apply for the job. Now, almost a year later, I am preparing for my third semester. I’ve enjoyed the experience more than I could have imagined I would. But that flash of inspiration, the sense of direction, of what I could maybe accomplish – that came on Yom Kippur.

Yom Kippur is a day when it’s easier to do the right thing. I don’t eat or drink, and spend most of the day engaged in prayer. All I have to do is open my heart, talk to God, and let Him in.

About the Author

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Visitor Comments: 20

(14)
Magda,
October 11, 2013 8:00 AM

It Could Be That Marriage Is Not For Everyone

Thanks for sharing, Delia. I have enjoyed reading articles from Aish.com and yours is certainly one of the greatest sharing!

May G-d Himself grant you comfort in your days to come.

Magda

(13)
ruthiel,
September 21, 2013 8:32 PM

Excellent article

Thanks, really enjoyed that

(12)
Bobby5000,
September 15, 2013 3:50 PM

What we non-Orthodox Jews don't understand

I think we conservative and Reform Jews understand a good deal about Judaism. Many like me honor Shabbat and go to temple. We like the idea of a close-knit, supportive Jewish community, and of making Tzedakah and observance a central part of your life.

What we don't understand is this seeming preoccupation with early marriage. My youngest son is 23 and my wife and I certainly would not want him to get married at this young age, Marriage requires commitment and has its own pressures and demands. At 26 if you lose your job, you simply look for another one, at 34, you will be answering to a wife 5-10 times each week, what are we going to do, how should the mortage be paid, what are your prospects.

Marriage can be a wonderful thing but to jump into this just to get married makes little sense to us. We feelthe same way about our girls too, have a career, meet people, travel, experience life. Take advantage of your free time. None of us wants promiscuous daughters but we realize the sacrifices women make in a marriage. A women with 2 children may work part-time, take care of a house and cook; the job of a modern women is certainly more imposing than that of her stay at home mother. If you find the right person, that is wonderful and one son at 30 found his soul-mate and they happily go to concerts, museums, parties, with the seeming G-d given gift that they enjoy the same things. But to simply pick someone to spend 2-3,000 hours a year with just to have someone, no we don't get it.

Jacob,
September 18, 2013 8:00 PM

the other perspective

Bobby,
you list a ton of great things the world has to offer and there's no doubt that someone who lives the life you describe is society's definition of success.
i look at the world as something to give to. getting married and raising children is a perfect example of a way to give to the world. i think that's why "orthodox jews" get married (it's also a torah commandment if you like that approach) tzedaka is important, and there's a big difference between giving up 10% of your paycheck and giving up a lot more than 10% of your time.
i'm sure a million people could give a better answer so this is just my thought. lshana tova.

scott,
September 26, 2013 6:12 PM

Early Marriage? How is 23 early?

The Hasidim say that one should start having kids as soon as possible. If you wait until you're rich, in nine months you could be poor and if your're poor you could be rich in the same time.
You can lose your job at any time and anyone can fall behind on the mortgage at any time. Heck we're in our mid forties and we're arguing about that tonight. So you should keep waiting until life is certain? Good luck.
As someone who came from a reform background I gotta tell you that from a religious perspective I don't understand your priorities at all. Museums, parties, career, travel...as if those things and life itself ends at marriage. How sad. I didn't know that marriage was death.
I got married and I travel more than I did before I got married. We go to museums and shows and parties...more than I did when I was single. Heck we moved across the planet just 'cause we could.
But because we waited so late to marry, it was harder to have kids and there were complications. We also had such great separate lives that it was and is very hard at times to get on the same page. Had we not bumped into each other, we'd have probably never married at all.
And when I was 23 it would have been nice to have someone with which to work through life. Would have probably made better decisions.
My mom and dad married at 22 and they're still married at 75. My grandparents married at 20 and are still married at 94. The good ones go early. You see they actually want to be married...that's why they stay that way.

Eclipse,
September 29, 2013 11:17 PM

Marriage isn't for everyone

And neither is having kids. Some of us want that same freedom in our 40s and 50s, to just look for another job if we lose the one we have. Maybe we have dreams of our own, which couldn't be pursued if we had to spend money and time on a child, save for college, etc. The world is already overpopulated, and not everyone needs to reproduce. Not everyone needs to get married either. Today, everyone has choices. More men and women are choosing to stay bachelors and bachelorettes, and more couples are choosing to not have kids, and there is nothing wrong with that. Life isn't one size fits all.

(11)
Greg,
September 14, 2013 8:01 AM

I Understand Your Pain---God Understands Your Sorrow and Your Pain

Delia,I was very touched by the title and content of your article. My grandparents (on my father's side), whom I never met while they were alive (They lived in Tel Aviv; and then their final years were spent in Netanya). I am a Christian by faith--a minister, in fact. I can certainly identify with your pain and your sorrow; however, more importantly, God knows your pain and your sorrow, even as He knew the suffering and the affliction of His people in the land of Egypt (See Exodus 3:7-10; 16-17). For many years, I have prayed for a wife--since I was in my early 20's, I think. Now, I am 59, and have never been married. I only say this so that you will know that I understand your pain and your sorrow. As I say, however, more importantly, the same God Who was aware of His people's affliction and suffering in the land of Egypt so long ago, is certainly aware of your pain and your suffering and your sorrow. Moreover, He cares--just as He cared about their pain and their suffering, and delivered them in His appointed time. I don't understand why God allows suffering, other than that it causes us to turn our faces to Him, and to seek Him with all our hearts. I am touched by your article and I will pray for you!

Anonymous,
September 29, 2013 11:18 PM

No pain here

At 48, I never prayed for a husband, and I never will. Just don't want one.

(10)
Arona,
September 13, 2013 4:40 PM

Beautiful

Great article, and so true. Thank you for being honest and open and sharing your feelings. May Hashem answer your prayers - and all of our prayers for good always. Gmar Chatimah Tovah.

(9)
Aa,
September 12, 2013 10:57 PM

I know

I used to pray for a wonderful husband, and this very special year, I got one. It took two tries as I so badly wanted to marry I chose the wrong partner first round. Just be patient and the right one will come.

(8)
Anonymous,
September 12, 2013 9:39 PM

Argh!! Saddest??!!! No say our sages: Gladdest!!

What a horrendous failure of Jewish education that people think YK is sad!! They are confusing it with Tisha b'Av because of fasting. But the two days could not be more different. Our sages say the two most joyous days of the year are Tu b'Av and Yom Kippur. On both days the maidens would don white and dance in the vineyards. Tu b'Av is a day of seeking and finding your soulmate. Yopm Kippur is the day celebrating restoring relationship after a breakup!! We all know that's an incredible joy! We were apart. We hurt the other party. We repented. The other party forgave us and took us back in a way that makes us even closer! Wow! THAT is Yom Kippur. Hashem takes us back, wipes our slate clean, forgives us and says I LOVE YOU!! The Kabbala teaches that tears on YK if they are present should be tears of LONGING. They are a sign of deep love and wanting to mend what is broken. NOT sadness, G-d forbid. YK is a day of tremendous intimacy: when the Jews cheated on G-d with an idol (the golden calf) G-d took away the Torah he had given us and Moshe smashed the luchos (tablets). Moshe prayed for us and G-d forgave us and 80 days later on YK, Moshe returned to us with the SECOND luchos - the sign of taking us back again as the beloved bride! On Tisha b'Av we fast for our brokenness. On YK we lift ourselves high above earthly anchors like food and we step into the heavens like angels. The whole day is dedicated to one thing: just being close and together with Hashem. Hashem allows no accusations against on this day. The Satan is of duty. It's just closeness and love! The last line of your post however is very very good: "All I have to do is open my heart, talk to God, and let Him in." The CHasidim came to the Kotzker Rebbe and said "Rebbe - where can G-d be found?" the Rebbe told them "Wherever you let Him in!"

Anonymous,
September 14, 2013 3:15 PM

Thank You To Delia Fine and Anonymous

This article and the comment from anonymous really lift my understanding of this important day.

(7)
Diane Veitzer,
September 11, 2013 3:48 PM

Don't be jaded on Yom Kippur!

Delia, I so related to your feelings of "what makes me think this year will be different?" I wrote about this very topic several years ago (see "Standing Before God", on this website), when I opened myself up to the possibility of one Yom Kippur being different from all others. Change is possible when you are willing. Gmar tov!

(6)
abby,
September 11, 2013 2:00 PM

amazing!

I could relate to every single word, this could of been me, thank you for putting into writing the feeling I could never say.

(5)
Anonymous,
September 10, 2013 11:52 PM

wow!

What a beautifully written and well-thought out piece. It's a perfect combination of emotions that inspires me and reminds me to reflect and be grateful. A truly incredible essay, indeed.

(4)
Anonymous,
September 10, 2013 2:38 PM

Yom Kippur is NOT the saddest day of the year

I was horrified to see Yom Kippur described as the saddest day of the year. Tisha b'Av is the saddest day of the year; Yom Kippur is holiest. Little can be achieved with sadness. We must approach Yom Kippur with awe and joy. It is a Yom Tov and a day to come closer to G-d.

(3)
Pesach Davids,
September 9, 2013 1:26 PM

Still single?

Beautiful article indeed, but singles please bear in mind the due diligence not to reject or pass over your bashert! I know well too many stories, where the shidduch was rejected, and years later if not decades they meet again and get married.

Anonymous,
September 11, 2013 6:38 AM

Get A Life,

Why do people like you always need to bring things like this up, when you don't know the situation, don't know the people just think that you know better! Grow Up! Stop thinking you know all the answers and get a life!!!

(2)
Anonymous,
September 9, 2013 3:23 AM

Beautiuully written article......so inspirational.

(1)
Anonymous,
September 9, 2013 2:50 AM

Congratulations

I llover tris article it is so real and it is true about what we fe el in You lipiria CongratulationsI to much to thinking about what we percive in You kipur

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!