The New Old

On the morning of April 6th Heather and I woke up as part of a family. The next evening, April 7th, we returned home a couple. This was a cataclysmic shift in the dynamics of our home life, the kind of shift that, for most married couples, only happens after eighteen years or more when their children move out. Even then, however, that experience isn’t really comparable to ours. Those couples still have children who return home from time to time. Those couples, even if they don’t live under the same roof as their children, are still part of a family.

On April 6th just about everything Heather and I said and did revolved around Madeline. On April 7th Madeline was gone, and while our daughter was still, and always will be, an incredibly huge part of our life, there were now only two people in our home – Heather and me. This felt very overwhelming, disorienting, and not a little bit surreal. In many ways, we found ourselves living as if the preceding two years had never happened. Silences previously filled by talk about our life with Maddie now remained silent. Nights out together, nights that used to have to end early because we he had to return home to Maddie, now were free to extend into the night indefinitely. This new life was full of so much silence and time, silence and time that had to now be filled by us and us alone.

Statistics show that the majority of couples who go through an experience like ours eventually divorce. I certainly can understand that. Trying to find ways to fill all of the silence and time left in the wake of a tragedy like ours is very, very hard. Luckily for Heather and myself, we have slowly but surely found the ways. We’ve talked into the night, held each other and cried, and leaned on each other when we sunk to our lowest depths. We have found a deeper connection than ever before.

In February we will become a family once again. This is something I look forward to greatly, but I know that when we do, we won’t lose sight of the couple we’ve become.

Also, I just want to remind everyone that today is the last day to vote for Heather’s blog in thebump.com’s Mommy Blog Awards. You can vote as many times as you’d like, so vote over and over! If she wins, she’s donating the entire prize money ($1,000) to Friends of Maddie. $1,000 buys forty NICU support packs – enough to supply an entire NICU. So, please vote for her blog (voting is over, thanks!)!! Thank you everyone!

Erica says:

Dear Mike and Heather,
Thank you Mike for sharing with us today. The love you two share for each other is so very strong and is standing the test of the most challenging of times. You two are an amazing couple, your love for each other shines through your posts, just like your love for your precious Maddie. A very special love. You also have the love and support of all your readers and fans all over the world.
I’ve been voting often!
With love to you both
Erica in Luxembourg

Krissa says:

Thanks for writing, Mike. I hope Heather’s getting some rest. Though I only know you guys from reading your blogs, I am so glad you have each other. Sending (((hugs))) and thinking of your family every day.

Krissa says:

I have voted a couple times, but I was worried that maybe we’re only allowed to vote once – or once a day? I can’t find the rules on the page where we vote. I voted again, but does anyone know if multiple votes are allowed? I hope I didn’t cancel out my vote. If you haven’t voted at all yet, please go vote asap. Sorry if this has been answered already and I didn’t see it.

cj says:

Debbie S. says:

Yes, if you have the time you can get about 5 votes in per minute!! I sat for 35 minutes last night doing nothing but voting and got in about 175 votes. Heather was behind when I went to bed and now she’s in the lead, so someone has been very busy today!! I have about an hour before I have to leave for a meeting so back to voting for me!! GO FRIENDS OF MADDIE!!!

Mike and Heather you are extraordinary. Oh how I wish you could have stayed merely ordinary, parenting Maddie and waiting to welcome Binky home.

Only the participants can truly know the interior of a marriage, but I am convinced that you two have done and will continue to do all the difficult and painful work necessary to keep your union strong.for both of your daughters.Your commitment to each other is yet another beautiful expression of love that you so generously share with your readers.

I am just one of so many cheering you on and wishing you peace, good health, and joy.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Oh Poor Me… =-.

I am glad to hear that your relationship will survive, and even got “better”, if we may say so.
It certainly is a fact that life can be horrid, and that not all people do find ways to cope with the horrid stuff. I am so glad you guys found a way…
It must be so weird to have that history of Maddie and then find yourself in the “couple” again… It sucks beyond words that parents loose children, it is against all logic and emotional reasoning.
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..It’s about goose… =-.

Going from a family of three back to a family of two is a particular type of cruel. Especially when you were so used to being that family. My husband and I had much less time than you did, but I understand your pain. We’ll be a family of three again in just a few short weeks. I can’t wait for you and Heather to join us in the weeks after that. But, we will both be families of FOUR. Just wont look that way to the outside world.
Much love to you both.
.-= Sally´s last blog ..All belly =-.

Bless all of you for your strength, your love, your faith. I never know quite what to say here but I want to at least say- your words are being read, Maddie’s light is still with us, and we are all hoping peace for you, sending what love we can.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Monday, Monday =-.

Mike that was so important to say, and you said it beautifully. I’m so glad that you and Heather have found a way to deal with all this together, dealing with it alone I’m sure would have been too much. Binky will be lucky to come into a family that is built on parents that have such a strong bond.

Love and hugs to both of you.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Making the Cut =-.

Jara says:

You guys are so strong and wonderful. I do want to say though that the idea that parents are likely to divorce after the death of a child is in fact a MYTH! I feel like some sort of really cruel person started this myth and poor bereaved parents now have something else to stress about…the LAST thing they need. Here is a well regarded study of the matter dispelling that hurtful and cruel NONSENSE!

I’ve waited to hear this from you both. I’ve hoped and hoped that you would find each other in the wake of this tragedy, because you’re right, all too often, it tears couples apart. I hope you have many many long years together, both as a couple and as a family. ((hugs))

Jara says:

Just voted again. Will keep doing so all day. Also, I seem to be unable to post (or I am missing it) But want everyone to know that the idea that the majority of people divorce after death is a big fat MYTH! People like Mike and Heather cruelly have been told this and its simply not the case. I tried to post the link to a well regarded study on the issue that dispels the myth but can’t seem to post. Maybe its here ( or awaiting moderation) and if this is a repeat feel free to delete!!!!

I am so proud (is that even the right word?) of you guys and I am so happy that you have been able to work together within your grief; to be each other’s support. I imagine some days it was easier to sit in your own silence and not talk to each other. You are certainly two of the strongest people I know. xo
.-= pgoodness´s last blog ..Next steps =-.

Allyson says:

Simply put, and it works! I commend you both on your newfound closeness and reaching for each other; I have to say that I’m not sure I’d be up for the challenge. And also that you’ve been able to laugh occassionally when you most certainly feel like crying. There are a few Mike/Heather stories of late (aka, Chicago trip, unfortunate trip down the stairs, “your WATER!”) that have me laughing still and just wondering “how do they do it all?” Role models, I tell ya. I, too, look forward to February, and reading every week’s successful milestone that passes.

I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that, in spite of everything, you two are becoming closer, rather than drifting apart. You are such beautiful, strong, special people. The whole wide world is rooting you on.

It’s great to hear that you guys are growing closer as you go through the unimaginable. I’m praying for you and your baby, and Maddie, as always.
.-= Daddy Dan´s last blog ..babitosdad: @mjjaaska Good morning! =-.

Laura says:

Mike, you sound like such a supportive and amazing father and hubby. You two are so lucky to have each other.

You are right about the statistics~ but I think if any couple can beat the odds, it is the Spohrs. Just like your Maddie, you are going to be so much stronger than some people may have given you credit for at first. In the last 6 months, we have already seen that from the both of you; the difference you have made in the world through the MoD, and FoM, and even visiting Washington, D.C., are so inspiring and powerful. I think another commenter (Miss Brit I think?) hit the nail on the head when she said at a time when you could have just curled up in a ball and refused to go on, you took your pain and turned it into something beautiful. I am so proud of the both of you.

Thank you for sharing your daughters, your love, and your life with all of us.

Jara says:

I know that’s what people are told. You were probably told that too. But its not TRUE! Google “Divorce after death of child myth” and you can see the studies that show that the majority do NOT divorce after death. Some cruel person started this rumour and got many of us believing its true. Its’ not You are totally right though about waht great people Mike and Heather are and how they would beat any statistics that were out there!

I’m on the voting like white on rice baby! I, too, cannot wait until binky makes her debut, but of course I CAN and want to wait as I am wishing for a LONG and HAPPY and HEALTHY pregnancy!!! Love from AZ
.-= Patty´s last blog ..I Am =-.

Glenda says:

Mike and Heather: What a beautiful post from Mike’s perspective. It’s amazingly beautiful that through this trajedy, both of you have become closer. You lean on each other through the ups and downs and that’s what makes your love so extra special and your bond even stronger. Binky will have a great example of what true love really is! Hoping Heather is feeling well and relaxing and sending you both hugs! You guys are an inspiration!!! XXX

As I have said several times, Maddie is the ray of sunshine in my day, her picture puts big smiles on my face. Great post Mike. It is so sad that you have to have The New Old but I am very happy that you have walked this journey hand in hand. God will for sure take you both to “for as long as we both shall live” and that in todays world is an miracle in its self. May God bless you with your second child who I know will be loved beyond measure. Take care & God Bless.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..HAVE YOU MISSED ME? =-.

Thank you for sharing that part of you with us. It’s unimaginable to most of us, being a family and coming home a couple. Although, you’ll always be a family anyway because Madeline has never been too far from your presence. I am so glad that you have weathered this incredibly painful, painful, unfathomable storm together. I am so glad that you can talk and be there for each other. I have some close friends who lost their beautiful baby girl at eight months and they are one of the strongest couples I know, three years afterwards. They are now in the process of adopting and hopefully they too will fulfil their dreams to become a family again, just like you and Heather are. I think about you and Heather every day and there’s not one that goes by that my little ones don’t send up special prayers for Madeline, the light of your life. She was and still is contagious.
Love and hugs to you both,
Tricia xx
.-= Tricia (irishsamom)´s last blog ..Remembering 9/11 – Repost – 8 Years =-.

Heather and Mike,
I am so inspired by your willingness to take such an immense loss and so selflessly allow your pain, coping, and growth together make all of us better people and parents. You really are incredible and together with Maddie have changed so many of us.

I am so sorry that you guys had to experience that silence and all that has come with it. My heart goes out to the both of you.

I do want to tell you something though. While you both were going through the hardest time in your life, you showed us all something soo special. You showed us how to turn to each other for support and comfort. You guys are an amazing couple and love that you have held on tight to each other through all of this.

I can’t wait for sweet Binky to get here!!

I will be voting all day! So glad to know that I can keep voting. I thought I could only vote once…so yippee for FoM!!
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..The Worst 5 Days of My Life =-.

Julie says:

I commend you both on the work you have continued to put into your marriage. It is SOOO! HARD! We lost our first born son and we were crushed! When we would hear our friends complain about their children driving them crazy we would just look at each other and vow no matter how annoying our future children my be we will treasure everything they do and say. Seven years later, we now have three and they do get annoying, but many times after we discipline them or they are just about to drive us crazy we just look at each other and smile. They are so very precious. I know your little Binky will be loved and each day will be treasured just like you treasure every moment and memory you have of your sweet Maddie.

Sarah Bear says:

Bless you both. I’ve been following since April, but haven’t commented. What a beautiful thing that you have been able to lean on each other, rather than rankle at one another. You are always in my thoughts and prayers, and I look so forward to watching you two progress into familyhood and better times again.

Krissa says:

Voted as many times as I could before work and was so glad when I came home and saw that the voter turnout for this blog has been going strong today. Also feel like a bit of a dummy for not reading Mike’s entire instructions about voting – I just saw the words “last day to vote” and hit the icon without even registering that I hadn’t read the rest of what he wrote. (Duh!). – This blog truly deserves to win. We can make that happen!

Pam says:

I’ve often wondered how Maddie’s death has impacted your relationship and was really heartened to read your thoughts, Mike. You expressed it so beautifully. Thank you for sharing your lives with us- you are so inspiring, individually and as a couple and family.

what you both continue to go through is unbelievable. the fact that you are each other’s rocks and continue to be is outstanding and recharges my belief in god.
.-= Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..whoppin’ =-.

Shannon Kieta says:

Mike and Heather…
I just voted like 100 times. Whew! I bet you win this thing! Mike, I envy you for sharing your love for Heather, Maddie and Binky. Not many people can say they become stronger from an ordeal like this, but you both are so strong and love each other so much, that it shows. Poor Heather, any one to go through all this for a baby is defineatly the best mommy in the world! Love to you both! Shannon

Alexandra :) says:

Katy says:

Oh, Mike! I love hearing from you; you seem like a real sweetheart. Heather is a lucky lady (I’m sure you tell her that ALL the time, too)! Hearing about you two together just makes me so happy (but it’s bittersweet, obviously) and I’m so glad that you two have been able to fill the silence and put some of the pieces back together.

you guys are such an inspiration. I’m so sorry (every time I read this blog I’m sorry) that you’ve had to go through so many trials. You have inspired me to hold my husband a little tighter and draw closer to him.
thank you for your example
.-= damaris´s last blog ..Roasted Tomato Sauce =-.

I’ll vote.
When our son was diagnosed with autism, we faced similar statistics. Like you, I see why it happens. And just purely logistically, it does create some distance, as everyone is different and handles things at their own pace. But we found ourselves clinging to each other. For us the loss was that most others around us fell away. They couldn’t deal with the changes that occurred in us. But we still had each other, and the need overcame the separation. I’m grateful for that, and truly equally grateful that the two of you still have each other too.

Dee Dee says:

OK, I have voted, voted & voted some more. Now my husband wants the computer. I think I might have to stay up late to make sure friends of maddie WINS! What an excellent way to honor the beautiful baby girl. Good Luck & I will keep voting!

I love how you and Heather have the time and the strength to write despite the loss of Maddie. I know though that’s it’s because of her ever so beautiful existence that motivates you to live your life and to share your story. To continue on. I also love how you’re a couple who blogs. You’re just as good a writer as Heather and from the way you write about her, I know that you’re not going anywhere. Neither is she. So wonderful that instead of divorce you two decided to lean on one another. You two are awesome. And Maddie could NOT have had better parents. Binky is a lucky baby girl (so was Maddie).

wow what an amazing couple you guys are…so strong, so together in a time of need. Good to know that Maddie’s Mum/dad and Binky mum/dad are going to be making to through this.
Have voted, will vote again and again…what an amazing way to spend the money.
Gosh you guys make me cry..
Take care and stay smiling.
Lisa
.-= lisa wood´s last blog ..Canoe At Bribie Island =-.

This post as with so many others of yours brought a tear to my eye and a smile to my heart. I love that you and Heather have found an even deeper love than before. Maddie, I am sure is smiling about that too.
I love your family!