Archive for Jesus

…kksssshhhhh…sssshhhhh…I know not very much time has passed since I made the last post but quite a bit has happened. I have to admit that I’ve really been overreacting to all this. What? Oh no, I’m not being held captive by Grasshoppers anymore. Actually we all sat down and ironed out a lot of our differences.

I’ve even been given a job in their growing Grasshopper corporation, known as OCP,, in the Security Concepts division. There have been some really positive changes in my life over the past two days. I’m really turning things around. My coworkers and I have all had a pretty good laugh at my panicky, desperate rants this past week

^Jim works with me at the Security Concepts division

So anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know everything’s fi…what? Inconsistent? I’m not being incon….OH! Right. God, I forgot all about the Gloria thing. Sorry. I’ve just been having such a great time at this wonderful company. Um, yeah, Gloria. Well it turns out that Gloria had sex with the leader of the grand Grasshopper Race (and later built a monument to a grasshopper’s sexual organs) and the grasshopper gave birth to the new God (the old one got shot through the neck, if you don’t remember) and it was Gloria and the grasshopper leader who, while lying in bed smoking a cigarette after hot sex, thought it would be funny to change up the old Moses’ Law thing and try something new. Gloria named it ‘Christianity’ after his favorite movie character, Fletcher Christian

Pretty soon it got kind of out of hand when Jesus was crucified and all that. They felt kind of bad about it, really. That’s why the Grasshoppers started this company

to kind of make up for Jesus’ death and the Crusades and Catholic pedophiles and all that by providing quality products at reasonable prices.

I still suck with this new pen. But. From the few pretty good lines I manage on the page I can see clearly that it looks better than what I’ve been doing. So…I don’t know. Basically I might have to eventually go back and redo the pages I’ve already done. It’s a bitch, but it could be worth it. I need much more practice though. I’m going to start using the pen on the pages I’ve already sketched out. I’ll probably destroy them and have to do them over and over, but again, I think it’ll be worth it.

I don’t know about this rap though. I think I did pretty well on it the first time. Ah who am I kidding. I’m just scared of all the hard work. But I’m gonna do it. Anyway, I……kkssssshhhhh……ssshhhh….(static and feedback and whatnot)..

…ssshhhhh….Monteclaire here. There should be less static this week as I have a direct connection now. How’d I get a direct connection? Uh….um, nevermind. I just did, okay? Listen, I’ve got lots of new inside information on the Ant takeover. They have…what? What do I mean “Ant”takeover? Well…I was wrong about the Grasshoppers is all. They are all peace-loving and….no, I don’t think I’m being contradictory. Hey, how about you stop interrupting me and I get on with this, huh? I’ve got a lot to say and a short span of time in which to say it.

Now, like I said a while back, I traveled through a portal in a giant condom billboard to the distant past when Jesus was born. But what you didn’t hear was that this Jesus isn’t the Jesus you’re thinking about.

what you’re thinking about ^

You see, the name Jesus was actually really common back then. It was like….Bob or…Isabald today. Everybody’s got those names. So what’s the big deal about this Jesus that I met being born? Nothing really. It was just a good way of letting you know about what time period I was in. Don’t take everything so literally. Jeez. Anyway, I awoke with a start on top of a sandy dune in the desert. I was sure I was going to die. There was nothing in sight for miles in any direction.

Just then, a car went driving by. Yes. A car. And who was driving? Gloria. That little bastard. You remember that “vacation” he went on some time ago to the desert? And then he came back smelling of booze and acting like he was just on a drug binge in someone’s back yard for a few weeks?

the picture from Gloria’s vacation in the 80’s ^ (he returned there on this last vacation)

I know this is all a bit much to take in all at once, so I’ll let that sink in for now. Just remember:

Gloria wasn’t on a vacation when all that took place. He was IN THE PAST!!!…kkssshhhhhh

Um. I came to conclusion that I should in fact not update today but tomorrow. Why, you ask? Because I fucked up and forgot my flash drive? Yes. This is the reason. I’m sitting here in a bookstore next to some horrible quotable cards. Like this one here says….kkksssshhhhh……

…sssshhhhhhh (static feedback)….You will not believe what I’ve been through in the past week. This is Monteclaire with the latest update on the how and why of Gloria’s involvement with the creation of Christianity. I can’t even describe…you ever read that one part of the Bible, uh, Revelations? You know with lions with 20 heads holding 40 candles hovering above a black hole or some stuff like that? And then like, that part of “2001: A Space Odyssey” at the end when colors and shit are flying by and you see the creation of the universe then settle in a room that sort of represents man’s accomplishments or something and then the guy turns into an immortal fetus? Seriously, for a second there I’m pretty sure I was an immortal fetus.

I have the answer. I know who Gloria is and why grasshoppers seem so keen to take over the world and why I look like Black Jesus (did I mention I look like Black Jesus?)

But…I can’t tell you. Not yet. It’s too extraordinary to just say in a few sentences. So I’ll be taking over the blog for one whole week to describe the amazing ride on which I have just been. And at the end of the week, you will know the truth. Keep watching the stars….Monteclaire out…….

…kkksssshhhhh….and the last one says “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” Lame.

…kksssshhh….is Isabald Monteclaire. I don’t know if you can hear me, but I don’t have much time. Whoever is receiving me, you have to find help. I’m trapped in the past. I’ve spent the last few weeks tracking down information on a friend of mine, Gloria Farmer. If you know Gloria, then…stay away from him. He’s dangerous. There’s something you don’t know about him. I don’t have time to explain all the details. What I need you to do is to go to New Mexico. When you get there drive way out to the middle of the desert.

There will be a decrepit old billboard advertising recycled condoms. Climb up it and make your way to the back of the structure. Just behind the dangling rubber on the other side is a portal into the year 4 B.C. The year Jesus was born. Yes, I’m aware of the irony of the portal to the place in time of Jesus’ birth by his virgin mother being directly behind a dangling condom, but I need you to focus. Once you get there, you have to….KKKSSSSHHHHHHH…oh no, I’m breaking up…kkkssshhh…look, just…ssshhhhhh…and….sssshhhhhhh….avoid the grasshoppers….ssshhhhhh…they’re taking over…sshhhhhhhh…I’ll try to contact you again….ssshhhhh…f I’m still alive, that is….onteclaire out……

Being the son of a clockmaker, I thought of everything in terms of time. As the day passed I watched the metaphorical gears spinning, turning, slowly rusting in rusty decay. My father would always say “Son, the day will come when the clocks stop. When that day comes, and come it will, oh yes, come and come soon, and on the day of the coming clocks, which will stop when it comes, you must be ready to come as well. We must all come on that day, and be grateful to live in a country where we can all get together and rejoice in our massive pool of come.”

-Excerpt: Chapter 12, Gold and Blue and Gay

I thought, since I wasn’t exactly sure how to do that thing where you make a blog post and it posts automatically on a certain day, I’d go ahead and do this as a sort of double post for today and tomorrow. Here’s the update:

I need to go ahead and tell you, Fantastic Benefits is on hold this weekend and next weekend, because I’m trying to get this zine printed and distributed at the Art Mart, Etsy, and wherever they’ll let me sell it. The problem is that I need to finish about six pages before I worry about formatting them and getting them printed, folded, and stapled (I just got a sweet 12″ stapler for the job). But the real problem is that…Kkkkksssshshsssssshhhhhhhh (static, feedback) wwwhhiiiiirrrrreeeeeeeeeeeee

…kkksssshhhh….is the last time we’re trying…I think we’re in. Can you hear me? Right, this is Monteclaire with the promised revelation about Gloria Farmer’s true identity! As I stated before, he is not who he says he is. The truth is so amazing I can barely believe or contain it. It has to do with the real origin of Christianity. I know this will be hard to swallow, but do your best….kkkssshhhhhh

…About 200 years before Jesus was born there was a prophecy that was never revealed in the scrolls and letters that make up the Bibl….kkkssshhhwhhiiirrrrrrrr….ust listen. It was reported that on the night of…..kksshh..man by the name of Johan Baptizzo saw a vision of a short guy with what looked like, and I’m quoting here, “Little stick arms and legs and a shield for a body. And for some reason on the shield was a Roman torture device…not sure why.” See, back then the cross was just a…wwwwhhhiiiiiirrrrrr….and Gloria appeared to be building something, something big. The man, horrified, told the people what he had seen:

“It was like a nightmare and a wet dream rolled into one! This terrible man whom the angel had told me was named “Gloria” was building a gigantic wooden monument on top of the Temple. It appeared to be a 400-foot replica of a grasshopper’s sexual organ. On the bottom of the awesome and terrible structure was a plaque. I had hoped to forget the words inscribed there, but for the sake of posterity, I shall repeat them now. On the plaque was written:

During reproduction, the male grasshopper introduces sperm into the ovipositor through its aedeagus (reproductive organ), and inserts its spermatophore, a package containing the sperm, into the female’s ovipositor. The sperm enters the eggs through fine canals called micropyles. The female then lays the fertilized egg pod, using her ovipositor and abdomen to insert the eggs about one to two inches underground, although they can also be laid in plant roots or even manure.(Wikipedia)

Of course I was confused by this statement. But as the vision continued…I soon new the horrible implications and what they meant for mankind…

kkkkssssshhhhhhh…oh no…ssshhhhhhhhhh…e’re out of time….ssssshhhhhh….have to continue next wee………wwwwhhhhiiiiirrrrrr………Monteclaire out……..ssshhh

….Did I lose you guys? What happened? I thought I heard a voice like from a radio or something… got some serious deja vu too. Oh well.