Heal yourself from the impact of abuse

This is why you need to recover your self-esteem

Abuse is a systematic attack on who you are as a person…focused on destroying your self-esteem. Even if you feel down, insignificant and not appreciated by anyone, please, see those aspects as caused by the relentless abuse…and decide that you will fight back.

Only you can do this process, and if you abandon it, the impact results in long lasting damage. We all need to appreciate ourselves, our own person with behaviors and dreams, in order to function in the world. So, decide that regardless the situation you are in, nobody will make you feel better but yourself.

Here we will offer you some ideas, you can start using any of them and then try some of the others…You will feel better about yourself and re-learn to appreciate the wonderful, creative person you deeply are!

1) These are the steps to recovering your self-esteem:

There is a fundamental step you need to fulfill NOW:

EVEN WHEN YOU ARE LIVING IN THE MIDST OF VERBAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE, do recognize that verbal, psychological and emotional abuse behaviors are not about you, you are not responsible of provoking them.

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO MERIT, PROVOKE OR DESERVE HIS ABUSE.

Your partner may insult you and use cruel words towards you, but understand that this behavior is a projection of the fantasies of his sick mind, and that his remarks are in no way whatsoever a reflection of the person that you are.

The hurtful emotional manipulations that he plays on you are not truly connected in any way to your merits as a spouse or as a woman.

If anything, those behaviors should actually serve as indicators to you that he is engaged in a power struggle where he feels the need to be “in charge” and is therefore trying to control you by diminishing your value as a spouse and as a person. It is almost an upside- down compliment: the aspects he attacks the most must be your best aspects!

There may be times when he will stoop to batter you with things you have shared with him in the past – insecurities, vulnerabilities, and shortcomings. Though these intimate details may be true of you or your personality, every human being has faults, and is unfair to accuse you of them in fights.

Be mindful that in emotional abuse situations they are simply used as poisoned darts; items he throws mindlessly because they are within his reach and he knows they have the power to cause you damage.

2) Never see the assaults for anything other than what they really are: a desperate attempt to hide his own vulnerabilities by gaining power over someone else.

Battering, whether it is emotional abuse, verbal abuse or physical abuse, exists to create or maintain an unequal distribution of power in the relationship. It is, overall, a matter of control. However, this is not a new concept – surely you have already heard from friends or coaching that abuse is all about power.

The important notion to learn after gaining this realization is that when an abuser feels that he is losing his grip (if it appears to him that you are usurping or taking on some of his power), the violence will escalate. In other words, the gravity of the emotional assault is directly proportional to the attacker’s sense of vulnerability.

Thus, the act of emotional abuse is not purely about control, although that is how it seems to manifest. In reality, the need for control is a way of expressing a deep-set and debilitating sense of vulnerability. Here, you say to yourself: “What he does to me only reveal how scared and weak he is.”

3) Find the YOU within the assault.

This is what gives you the ability to not only survive emotional abuse, but to thrive in the very face of it. Finding the “you” means that wherever the assaults occur, whatever he uses against you, you refuse to be defined by the abuse. You draw on your own strength to determine your validity and self-worth. Here, you mantra should be: “I KNOW WHO I AM,”

A) You can’t break free from an emotionally abusive relationship if you are barely remembering who you are every day.

This may sound easy, as if you just needed to give yourself a pep talk in the mirror every once in awhile. However, pep talks won’t leave a lasting impression if you are not deeply connected to yourself. Imagine that you are a tree – if your roots are not deep enough into the earth, a fierce wind will easily rip you right out.

You can develop your own pep talk. First, write down in a piece of paper your favorite and or most needed affirmations. Here are some examples for you:

“I’m a valuable person who deserves respect.”

“I’m worthy of love and attention.”

“I have power over my own life”

“I completely appreciate and I’m grateful for all my good qualities.”

Then face yourself in the mirror. Not with the purpose of making an inventory of the features you don’t like about your face, but to connect with your subconscious mind. After breathing deeply to be calm, use one of the phrases that you want to impress deeply into your mind. Repeat that sentence to yourself several times, changing your tone of voice, and observe the effect that it has on you. Once you have the tone of voice and the phrase matched to produce the most effect, do the repetition up to 10 times.

Now you know how to reinforce self-esteem… repeat every day for a week at least…and keep the list of your affirmations visible to you so you can remember them frequently. For myself and many others as well, the quest to find yourself starts with contemplative activities or relaxation techniques, such as meditation or yoga. Here are some pointers about these two practices.

4) Learn to use Meditation:

You can learn to cope with the stress of everyday life in your abusive home doing meditation. Meditation may be practiced for many reasons, such as to increase calmness and physical relaxation, to improve psychological balance, to cope with illness, or to enhance overall health and well-being. Today, many people use meditation outside of its traditional religious or cultural settings, only to be centered, improve health and enhance their well-being.

It will diminish the impact of stress on your body, help you center and produce feelings of self-acceptance and contentment. This feeling of contentment and well-being can help you to cope with the difficulties of daily life. Of course, it is not the only solution you can implement to improve your abusive situation, but meditating will allow you to tap your inner center and make you experience your own power. A very difficult situation will become easier to deal with, because you will feel more centered and able to use your resources better.

5) Change your social isolation step by step:

Many a times your abuser tries to socially isolate you so as to make you more dependent on him in order to serve his basic social needs and aspirations. He imposes a series of restrictions and controls to gain control over your social life. It is the abuser who often decides about the persons with whom you will interact and the friends with whom he will socialize. Any external social support system imposes a threat and a challenge to his authority over you.

Your abuser may often deliberately insult your friends and relatives so as to scare them away. He may resort to emotional blackmailing, mood swings, tantrums and denial of communication to impose his will over the victim. He may take recourse to actively spying over the victim and may openly question his loyalty towards the marriage.

This is invariably accompanied by unreasonable demands on her. The chain of events may include checking in on you, depriving you of any means of transportation or communication, inquiring about your daily routine, criticizing your friends and relatives, and so on.

If your situation seems similar to this description, you can take a variety of steps to change it. One of them, for instance, is to get out of the house and engage in an activity in which your husband is not involved. If you do not feel able to find a job, you can start by finding volunteering opportunities in your community. Your children’s school is an excellent place to start because chances are, you will be able to meet other women there. You can also find out if there are charity activities for any cause that you care about, and try to participate.

SHORT GUIDE TO ACTIVITIES YOU CAN DO NOW:

If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and lack the financial resources for professional help (my first recommendation for assistance), there are many free resources available as well. In fact, even if you are receiving help from a professional, I recommend pursuing these other routes of help as well, especially those that promote your emotional health.

1) Read

Read from the Internet and from your local library as much as you can about the dynamics of abusive relationships. Learn to identify situations where you have the lesser power, and compile the suggestions others have had for how to handle those situations.

2) Internet chat/communities

In addition to providing you with reading material, the Internet is a great place to connect with other women in your situation. What often happens is that women not only learn from each other what works and what doesn’t, but that their communal support facilitates a sense of strength and empowerment. Reaching out to others and eventually being able to provide them with advice can also help you to develop a larger sense of your own worth, thus increasing your self-esteem and confidence.

3) Reach out to women in your community

That sense of empowerment can also take root through involvement in local agencies that support battered women. Keep the information for agencies in your area handy even if you don’t feel comfortable casually meeting with them. You never know when an emergency may arise.

4) Express yourself

Emotional abuse doesn’t just take a toll on your body and mind; it can also leave you with resentment and poisonous emotions like hatred, fear, anxiety and depression. Most of the time, talking about them skims the surface but doesn’t cut it all out. There may be some things that you may have trouble coming to terms with, let alone telling someone about. If you suspect some of those emotions might be building up and weighing you down, get them out of your system! Paint them, write them, sing them; whatever your instincts lead you to do. Artistic expression can be an excellent way to voice your feelings and to gain a better perspective about yourself. You can even identify an interest or hobby that could lead to a new business!

5) Learn how to be assertive

Convey your feelings or opinions about the situation: “I don’t want to do it anymore”, or “I become frustrated because then I don’t have the energy to do other things that I want/need”.

Assert your wishes: “I would like you to clean up after dinner”. “I want you to help me by instructing the kids to clean up the kitchen”.

Reinforce or reward: “Thank you so much for taking this seriously” or “If I get your cooperation on this, I will have more energy (time or interest) to devote to …” or “If I can get your help with this, I will be in a much better mood in the evening.”

Be mindful: While it can be tempting to bring up other grievances or frustrations, try to tackle them on a one-at-a-time basis.

Be confident: Do not be afraid of stating your wants and needs. Do use phrases like “I want…” and “I would like…”

About Nora Femenia

Nora Femenia, Ph.D. Relationship Advisor and Conflict Coach
Helping people see through their current relationship pains and trace a path to a better, richer life, where they can be emotionally satisfied and develop their life purpose with joy and confidence.

? Before offering my experience as a Conflict Coach, I had a successful career as a family therapist for more than 20 years, where I also worked as a mediator and conflict resolver.

? After widening my career to include online coaching I have learned to overcome time and distance obstacles so as to provide reliable assistance to clients around the globe. Experience has shown that in most cases I can help people out of very hard situations by helping them to observe the situation from an external perspective.

? I’m still discovering the laws of the universe concerning why relationships can deliver so much happiness and hold the potential for us to develop and fulfill our life purpose. Each time I discover a new trick, I’m happy because my clients will get it too...
? I have developed, along all my experiences, a direct approach to people’s dilemmas where I can pinpoint where is the pain, and offer fast solutions that work. I care about my clients, so I offer free orientation sessions.

I teach Conflict Resolution at graduate level at Florida International University and do frequent international consulting and training on demand.