Tom Davies was awarded the PFA Fans’ Player of the Month award for January, following his long-anticipated breakthrough into the Everton first team. The teenager has strung together a series of impressive performances for the club, since his first start of the season in the victory against Southampton.

U23 coach David Unsworth, who has overseen the development of the youngster from West Derby, believes he has what it takes to follow in the steps of other players who have made the transition from promising Academy talent to first teamer:

“Tom can follow in the footsteps of the talent we have produced over the last 20 years, it’s really up to him. He could get into drugs and maybe crime, become terrible at football and just end up playing in League One. Alternatively, he could be really good, leave for a club in the Champions League – come back to Goodison, kiss someone else’s badge in front of the Gwladys Street as he’s being booed, anything really – he has the world at his feet.”

Bill Kenwright also shared his thoughts on the youngster, but it involved several bouts of crying and 86,000 words which we couldn’t be bothered typing out.

The charity that is Everton Football Club is thinking of venturing into football.

An illustrious history has seen the charity complete many notable achievements, such as donating at least 4 points every season to Liverpool FC, giving generous contracts to clearly incompetent managers, and providing a lucrative income for the long-term injured and those with drug and alcohol problems.

They now feel that the time is right to diversify, and attempt to be successful at football. This isn’t the first time that they have embarked on such a venture. In fact, it has only been thirty years since the charity last made a concerted effort to try and be a force in the game. That wasn’t sustainable – mainly due to restrictions about trading in Europe. However, the new regime believe that there is now an opportunity to try once more.

Addressing concerns about football being a distraction, they have confirmed that their main focus will continue to be their charitable endeavours.

Everton’s fortunes have taken a turn for the better since the start of the year. The turnaround coinciding with Koeman promoting players such as Tom Davies, Mason Holgate and Dominic Calvert-Lewin from the youth setup. However, the Dutchman still carries a reputation as a Manager with a reluctance to blood youth, which he queried:

“I don’t know where this reputation has come from. I am always happy to bring younger players into the first team. It’s not like I didn’t have a choice is it. You could hardly say we were inactive in the summer transfer window, or that I inherited a squad full of old crocks that had just been walking around for the last two years. My hand wasn’t forced at all.”

On the youth set-up at USM Finch Farm, he also added:

“Just last week I bumped into Kevin Unsworth at the coffee machine, and I’ve met the other guy as well – Dave Sheedy, or whatever he’s called. Great guys, doing great jobs. I like to keep a close eye on how their teams are doing. Though I obviously haven’t seen them play – have you ever commuted back to Cheshire from Southport? It’s a nightmare, it’s not like I’m being paid £6m a year for the privilege!”

On the back of this weeks’ General Meeting, Everton showed their newfound ruthless streak by managing to exit both domestic cup competitions by the 7th January.

In stark contrast to last years cup exploits – which saw blues fans have to endure a protracted cup run as far as the semi-final in both the FA and League Cups, there have been no similar problems this year. A capitulation at home to Leicester City, mean Koeman’s boys made light work of exiting both competitions early – winning only one game in either cup.

The result means Everton can now concentrate on their top priority of trying to keep hold of that exclusive seventh place in the premier league. And that Liverpool can make a new fucking banner.

The Decepticon leader and archenemy of Optimus Prime replaces Chang as the official shirt sponsor of Everton in a five year deal.

A sentient robotic life-form from the planet Cybertron, Megatron’s main business areas are focussed on transforming into a P38 handgun, a telescopic laser cannon, and waging war against the Autobots.

The club were unavailable for comment, but the shift in emphasis from sponsorship by a weak, tasteless, Asian beer to that of a robotic villain, alludes to a more ruthless streak being adopted by the club going forward.

The sponsorship deal also breaks new ground in it being the first ever between a Premiership club and a fictional Hasbro character.

Bluespoof have uncovered an ambitious plan to send Tom Cleverley to the Africa Cup of Nations rather than Idrissa Gueye. The influential midfielder is set to miss several fixtures in the new year whilst representing Senegal at the tournament in Gabon. Everton however, deem the player far too valuable to their premiership cause to allow him to leave.

It is believed that theatrical impresario Bill Kenwright, utilised his contacts within the industry to perform the extensive makeover required to pull off the ruse. The resulting disguise was said to be so convincing that the Senegalese team and management would have been more likely to discover it was Cleverley, not from the disguise itself, but from his abysmal midfield play.

Rather then being offended, Cleverley himself was said to have been keen on the plan; having not had the opportunity to disappoint an entire nation since his last appearance for England in November 2013.

As tensions reached boiling point between supporters of Everton and the playing staff and manager, following a disastrous run of spineless performances; the Everton team decided it was time to deliver a hard-fought victory against title chasing Arsenal on Tuesday evening.

“I think we’d tested the fans patience enough. We weren’t sure how far we could push it, but Watford seemed like the tipping point. The Arsenal game felt like the right time to top-up the levels of false-optimism which had completely drained away from the start of the season. Especially with the derby being up next – it’s good they have some misplaced belief going into that. It seemed to work anyway, I saw them lapping it up online – talking about us having turned a corner, maybe even being able to beat Liverpool. All really funny stuff. Normal service will be resumed next week – don’t you worry about that,” said a player after the game. Phil Jagielka or someone, he’ll do.

Ronald Koeman is set to be briefly re-united with his bitter, angry ex-partner at the weekend. The Dutchman, who ended their two year relationship in the summer, is due down south for a work engagement. His ex, meanwhile, continues to insist she isn’t bothered that he left, by spending every day crying about it on social media and every available online forum.

It is believed her issue lies with the fact that herself and Koeman had a joint trip to Europe planned this season. “I hardly ever get to go to Europe“, she weeped, “me and Ronnie had worked so hard for it as well. It was only a budget holiday, nothing special. How could he leave me when we were about to go to Europe? I mean, I know he’s been loads of times himself, and his new partner has also been loads of times before, and will again. But they’re not going this year – this specific year. I just don’t understand it? Surely me and my budget trip to Europe were a more attractive proposition – what a backwards or sideways step that is for him. I was an attractive proposition as well you know – once, for a minute, forty years ago.”

His new partner couldn’t quite understand what the fuss was about. Both they, and Koeman, see their relationship as a short term mutually beneficial arrangement. Maybe even with a trip to Europe planned at some point in the not too distant future.

Ex-footballer and long term friend of the couple Matt Le Tissier said something about the break-up, but no one really cared.

Ronald Koeman has accidentally been giving all of his team talks in Dutch, it emerged today. The bizarre revelation by the Goodison boss goes some way to explaining the poor performances by the blues so far this season. In an exclusive chat to bluespoof, he tried to clarify his confusion:

“I’d just been offered six million pounds a year. Eighteen million pounds over three years. And all they wanted was for me to try and push them towards the top four. I couldn’t believe it – talk about hitting the jackpot. I lost the plot for a while and just kept talking Dutch. I forgot where I was. Which is good if you’re the Everton boss.”

On the team talks themselves, he added: “I had no idea why they weren’t trying to do what I was asking. Every week I’d be telling them to press harder, play with more aggression and intensity, and just generally stop being completely shit. To an outsider, it might have looked like they were just ignoring me. That they were just a bunch of useless, over-paid, passionless, mediocre footballers with no professional pride. But on the contrary – they just didn’t understand me. Except Romelu – he speaks about twenty languages you know. He keeps telling me he could be the best at languages in the world.”

When asked why it had taken twelve league games for anyone to query the language problem, captain Phil Jagielka explained: “I’ve never been one to question anything. I thought I caught the gist of what he was asking me to do. Something about being really slow and shit, and to keep giving away penalties. When I wasn’t getting dropped I thought I must be doing the right thing. I’ve not had any defensive coaching for four years you know.“

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DISCLAIMER

All articles on this site are a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, incidents and all references to anybody associated to Everton Football Club and the club themselves are made in a fictitious manner.