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Over the weekend a large collection of nude photos of celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton was leaked to the internet through the online message board 4chan. King Masturbator, Lord of All Who Wank, weighs in with his take on the event.

King Masturbator

Loyal subjects, masturbators of the realm, it is I, King Masturbator, ruler of all who are masturbating! I have set down my royal KY jelly and silken tissues to address you on this, the day following what has turned out to be quite a weekend for masturbators far and wide. Some of you are calling it “The Fappening” others “The Great Leak” and still others are just calling it “holy shit you see these Jennifer Lawrence pix.” What we can all agree on is that this weekend, naked photos of many beautiful and famous ladies became available to all masturbators and many of you have taken up the call and yanked away to this arousing trove of titillating treasures. And yet I feel it is my duty to inform you that, though I masturbated over two dozen times this weekend — as is fitting my rank as king of ye who self-pleasure — I am proud to say I did not do it even once to these leaked photos. And, whats more, I am here to implore you to similarly restrain yourselves. For we masturbators must hold ourselves to a higher standard, one of moral masturbations and ethical ejaculations. Releasing ones own jism to these photos is just not right.

Now you all know me. I attained my place as King Masturbator not just for my masturbatory stamina but also for my ability to pleasure myself to pornography of all stripes. Straight, gay, amateur, those weird drawings of the Simpsons having sex — I have masturbated to it all. So where do I “jizz the line” between what is OK and not OK to masturbate to? It’s not easy. For yes, I have masturbated to leaked porn before. The Kardashian–Ray J video, for example. But only after Kim gave tacit permission for us all to do so by her somehow building a whole career off its existence. Or how about that Alison Pill accidental nude tweet a couple of years ago? Well, if you leak nudes yourself by your own technological incompetence and then laugh it off in good fun as she did I deem that FAIR GAME! But, even a King must know the limits of his power. And this leak is that limit. These women did everything right. They sent the photos only to masturbators they loved and, in many cases, covered their tracks well by deleting the photos. It was the Apple Computer Company that made the technological error. Indeed, I masturbated to the Apple logo twice this weekend to punish them. But I shall not levy the same auto-erotic tax upon the victims of this leak! They did not give us permission and they have not erred. The only crime they have committed is being talented enough actresses that we know their names, and no one should be masturbated to because of their God-granted talents unless that talent is posing nude and they choose to exercise that talent consensually. Doing otherwise we debase ourselves to the level of The Animal. We are not dogs humping dog-shaped logs. We are men and as long as I reign we shall masturbate with honor!

But what about Kate Upton, you ask. Here is a woman with no discernible talent that appears in many “OK to masturbate to” forms like in a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue or on that zero-gravity airplane ship. Why is it OK to stroke one out to a photo of her THERE and not one HERE? This is a good question and I think it gets to a deeper underlying truth about these photos: These specific photos were MEANT to be masturbated to but not by you. Indeed, it is the case that masturbating to photos not meant for you even from a woman whose sole existence is to be masturbated to is plain sad and pathetic. I am the King of Masturbators. I masturbate literally all day and contribute nothing else of merit to society and yet even I think it is pathetic to masturbate to a photo that was meant for somebody else to masturbate to. Think of it this way: If Kate Upton gave Justin Verlander a gift, say a beard trimmer, would you feel good about stealing that beard trimmer and using it on yourself? No, you would feel bad because that beard trimmer belongs to someone else. Even if that someone is just some regular-looking dude on a shitty baseball team who it makes no sense why he gets to have a beard trimmer from Kate Upton and you don’t, you would still feel bad.

And if not for me, choose not to masturbate to these photos for a higher cause: to inspire the young masturbators in my kingdom. The youth of today are surrounded at all times by things they can and will masturbate to, yet they know not what deserves their masturbatory focus and what does not. Young masturbators today need role models. And yes, of course they have me to look up to as they rub their penises, but they need more than that. They need you, the everyday masturbators in their lives too. Older brother masturbators, older brother’s friend masturbators, even fathers and uncles that are still active masturbators. The younger generation of masturbators is looking to you for guidance. Tell the little masturbators in your life that it is OK to rub one out to porn or their girlfriends, but it’s not OK to masturbate to these women.

And if you are a young masturbator, to you I say this: There is nothing more liberating in this life than masturbating and feeling PROUD of what you are doing. Everyone agrees masturbating is good. Trust me, little boys, every hot feminist out there stands for your right to explore your body in this way. It is healthy and fights cancer probably. But that pride only comes from masturbating to legitimately attained pornography or nude photos of a current love interest. Just as it is wrong to masturbate to photos of your friends on Facebook (the subject of my last decree), so it is wrong to spill your seed to these photos.

As the King of All Masturbators I wear not pants. All I have is my crown, my dirty socks, and, most importantly, my integrity. And that integrity is all that stands between me and the crippling post-masturbatory guilt and shame that I know is wracking the hearts of all those who beat off to these photos this weekend. Honorable masturbators, be like me. Only masturbate to free pornography ripped from pay sites and put on tube sites. Then you too can become masturbation royalty.