Well gang, we had a good run. And after very little consideration and no loss of sleep I’ve decided to call this blog quits. I’m tempted to use a well-known metaphor involving broken-legged horses and guns…

I’ve thought about starting a new blog from scratch over on Tumblr. I have some fun ideas but I don’t know if I’ll ever get around to following through with any of them.

Anywho. Thanks for reading! I’ll leave the archives on the right should you feel inspired to reminisce about our time together.

Last weekend I absconded to Philadelphia, PA if for no other reason than to use the word abscond. It was a great solo weekend and a much needed get away from the city. I intentionally had no itinerary. It was basically a day and half of wandering and exploring and talking to locals. A brief and highly amateur photo gallery is below.

The card swiper at the Key Foods near my previous apartment used to silently drive me insane. I’ve never shared this with anyone because these are the kinds of things you hide from loved ones lest they force you into a mental hospital. I’m sharing it with you now because I don’t love you it finally worked itself out.

The checkout person would ask “Credit or debit?” and I’d say “Debit”. I’d enter my 4 digit pin number and then hit “Enter”. That 5 button combination makes an absolutely perfectly toned Shave and a Haircut. But only.the. first.part. So I was forced to tap something twice to finish it. The swiper, the counter, the checkout lady, etc. Because we all know few things in life are as frustrating as an unfinished Shave and a Haircut. Total strangers will honk back if you start it in your car. It’s the audible equivalent of keeping your hand up for a high-five and being left hanging. It’s like having one shoe tighter than the other, but its your ears and not your shoes. You get the idea.

This has gone on for the last 5 years. Five, y’all. Five years of slow bubbling rage. But now that I moved I go to another Key Foods. And this card swiper has two additional prompts asking “Is this amount correct?” and “Cash back?”. I answer Yes and No and these two tones perfectly complete the Shave and a Haircut and all is finally right with the world.

And everyone in line looks at me funny because of the enormous smile on my face and then wonders why I’m so happy about buying frozen pizza.

I successfully moved all my crap from one place to another with the help of some amazing humans. Being a basement dwelling there were some logistical obstacles to negotiate. For instance I only just got my satellite installed last weekend. Here’s part of the phone call setting up my Direct TV:

Nice Lady – “So how soon do you need your satellite installed? I’ll find out what dates we have available for you.”
J – “Okay let me think. Um, do you know when season 3 of Justified starts?”
Nice Lady – “Haha! Yeah I think it’s the 17th.”
J – “Great, put me down for the Saturday before then.”

Internet is being set up Tuesday so pics and other apartmenty stories will come shortly after. Seriously, I’ve been living like a caveman for almost a month. I’m getting Verizon internet so we’ll see if it lives up to the hype. I have greatly enjoyed all the e-mails I’ve been receiving from Verizon regarding my installation appointment. All the e-mails. About my internet being… installed. We all have smart phones so it’s not really as funny as it should be, but I still find the concept amusing. Reminds me of the time a few years ago when I called someone about my cell phone not turning on and they asked me if it was the one I was using to make the call.

I live a relatively simple existence. I do my best to maintain a drama free social circle and I have my daily/weekly/monthly routines and rarely deviate from them. But every now and then I like to take my comfortable little life, pack it into a proverbial food processor and mix it without the lid on.

Pictured: Change

At the ripe old age of 30, I’ve decided it’s time to get my first apartment to myself in the city. I lived on my own a few times in Texas and I loved it. Of course I was also paying somewhere around $400 a month. Up here roommates are more or less required if you also intend to eat regularly.

Through the connections of some truly wonderful people I’ve found a great Astoria studio in my price range and I’ll be moving around the first of January. We haven’t drawn the paper work up just yet but I have verbal confirmation from the landlord and that’s enough to get me excited and to start the wheels spinning.

I’m really looking forward to taking a space that is singularly mine and putting my personality into it. I’ve never looked at NYC apartments as long-term things and so I’ve never bothered accumulating much or going out of my way to decorate. As a result I’ve always felt like I live in a dorm room. I consider having matching furniture to be a sign of refined living. But I’m convinced I can (and need to) do better. Truthfully I expected to be married by now and had hoped to avoid making the really difficult life decisions like what color paint to use in a living room. Seriously. I see those little paint sample cards and just freeze up.

Fortunately I’m blessed with a lot of amazing and creative friends to help in the process. And lord knows I’ve helped enough people move I won’t feel guilty calling in a few favors come moving day.

I’m kind of a genius. A few years ago I discovered that if you put the sugar in before your coffee, the hot coffee will then melt the sugar and make the whole mixing process a lot easier.

Wednesday morning when making my daily cup of caffeinated wonderment, I smugly reached for my sugar packet watching the poor soul next to me add sugar to coffee that already had milk in it. *Sigh* Some people.

Anyway, it’s time to do the flicky-flicky-flicky thing to get all the sugar in the bottom of the packet. My favorite part. But wouldn’t you know it there was a hole in the bottom of the packet, effectively spreading Sugar in the Raw clear to Jersey. Seriously y’all, I think I may have found a revolutionary way to seed huge fields.

Okay, not the best way to start the workday but surely an isolated incident. Cut to Thursday. I’ve already forgotten yesterdays mishap and now it’s time for another cup of Jason’s Motor Skills. Flicky-flicky-flicky AW FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD, NOT AGAIN?!?

This morning, just moments ago… I have never so cautiously selected a packet of sugar in my life. And I’m happy to report zero sugar spray.

Today’s phrase comes from the opening lines of the 1970 song “I am Woman”, written by Helen Reddy which quickly became an anthem for the women’s liberation movement happening around the same time.

I, being the smartass creative person that I am, insist on taking such a phrase and branching it out a bit. Surely women aren’t the only people out there who need a voice. So here are a few more unappreciated groups that I feel could potentially make use of a good battle cry.

I am Historian, hear me lore

I am Math Teacher, hear me bore

I am Sad, cheer me more!

I am Bull, hear me gore

I am Beggar, hear me poor

I am Indian Tracker, me hear floor

I am Rower, hear me oar

I am Golfer, hear me, “Fore!!”

I am Sheep, shear me more.

I am Sleeping, hear me snore

I am Prostitute, hear me whore

I am Grounded, hear me chore

I am Supersonic Pilot, hear me soar

This is the kind of humor that can also result from having too much Pratchett in your diet. Oh well, hopefully good for a laugh or two. Of course sharing your own empowering battle cries is encouraged. I gave up trying to find one for Texan, Blogger, New Yorker and various Star Wars characters.

“Is it not a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt for so small a thing?”

– Boromir, LOTR

That quote popped in my head a few nights ago as I got out of bed around 2:00am to do battle with a mosquito. The next day I had a bit of trouble explaining to Roomie why he heard me yell “FOR GONDORRRRRR!!!!” and then a loud thudding sound.

I’m an average reader. If I were to make a list of things I do to pass the time reading is easily in the top 5, but tends to fluctuate depending on my proximity to an electrical outlet. I’m always working on a book or two, which makes me look like quite the little bookworm. But that’s just it. I feel like I’m working on a book. I enjoy it, sure. I love the escapism books offer, but then I also love the escapism of shadow puppets. From this you should glean that it takes me a while to finish most books. Not because I’m a slow reader, but because I live in a world with lots of shiny things that distract me.

I finished reading The Hobbit not too long ago and it got me in the mood to start Lord of the Rings again. I read it a while back and it took me the better part of 6 months to finally rid Frodo of that stupid ring. Now just a few years later I start over and find he went and got it back. That’s one thing about re-reading books and re-watching movies. No matter how many times they go through the story it’s like the main characters never learn anything.

Like, oh I don’t know, maybe Gandalf could just call an Eagle for Frodo and have him drop the ring in Mt. Doom during a fly by. If I were him I’d have been pretty pissed to find out at the end of my adventure that the old coot could have called up Middle Earth Airlines any ol’ time.

And don’t give me that, “It’s about the journey, not the destination” crap. It’s about me skipping the part where I fight a spider the size of a mobile home. That’s what it’s about.

But I digress*. I’ll not go trying to poke holes in undisputed masterpieces. Among others, a thought I’m zigzagging and meandering toward is that these books alone justify the purchase of an e-reader. I almost spit coffee on my iPad when I saw this last weekend.

To be fair that’s because I was holding the iPad sideways. When you do that it splits the book into a smaller two page view. When you hold it vertically it orients to one page and adjusts the page numbers accordingly.

Neat trick, Mr. Jobs. Either way, that would be a lot of paper to carry around. And in a city where we literally carry everything around, it’s a great space saver.

Really J? You made us read all that to tell us you like your iPad?

Yes. Apparently I did. I didn’t exactly approach this one with much of a game plan.

Enter June and 4 months of sleepless nights and me being a whiney brat. My disdain for summer heat is almost legendary. Most of my friends really just don’t get the misery involved for me. You winter haters put on a few extra layers and you can at least still function. Us summer haters suffer no matter how many layers we take off. In fact, take off too many in public and you can even get arrested.

My recent revelation is that sunburns and sunscreen are obvious signs that we’re not even designed to be outside in temperatures above 75. If I have to put a layer of slime on my skin to protect myself from the outside world, then I’m probably not supposed to be in it in the first place. Sunscreen: The Hazmat suit of summer.

And let’s not forget how bad summer is for the environment. Everybody’s running air conditioners all over the world, using more water because you have to take more baths and buying more bottled water to stay hydrated. Summer is killing the planet, y’all. That carbon footprint we’re all so worried about? It’s being made by a sandal.

Okay. Summer rant is done. We now return you to your regularly, not-scheduled updating.

We’re all familiar with a bucket list. That list of things you need to do before you die. It’s a very morbid concept if you think about it for a minute. “Before my imminent death, I must do these things to know what it really means to live.” It’s depressing, really.

A bucket list is usually comprised of very lofty goals and there’s nothing wrong with having such a list, it’s just that they shouldn’t be crossed off spontaneously or as a last minute act of defiance against death.

Run with the bulls! Fly a plane! Visit the pyramids! Swim with sharks!

I’m only 30. I still have plenty of time and opportunity to knock out the big crazy adventures. At this point in life my list of undone personal achievements just isn’t that urgent or dramatic. It’s not a Bucket List of things to do before I die. It’s more like a Tupperware List of things to do whenever I get around to them. And, as the name implies, no real loss if I have to throw them out.

J’s Tupperware List

Go to an Ikea

Bake a pie from scratch

Lose 10 pounds

Complete all my unfinished video games (there’s about 15, going all the way back to the Game Cube)

Go to a circus

Watch Arrested Development

Finish the Harry Potter books

Get better at bowling

Have a pet in the city

Learn video editing

Learn a second language

Buy a harmonica

Learn to play harmonica

Apologize to Roomie for playing harmonica

Give up harmonica

Pick up drums instead

Find new roommate

I’ll be sure to cross these off if any of them happen. And feel free to share your Tupperware Lists too!

The icy death is long gone and it turns out the meteorological marmot was frustratingly correct in his prediction of a short winter. So I guess that means it’s time for me to come out of hibernation and Spring a long overdue update on you.

I’d love to tell you that in the last several weeks I’ve been away having harrowing adventures and now I have a backlog of amazing stories to tell. Unfortunately all I did was play pool and eat a lot of Chinese take out so that would be a lie. I mean, that’s not all I did of course. There were a few poker games too.

One game was on a casino cruise in international waters where I played very poorly. It was not my fault though. I was distracted the whole time by pretending to be a pirate and plotting to take over the ship. I wondered where I would take my newly stolen vessel after swashing sufficient amounts of buckle and fighting off the casino staff. With my newfound crew of salty sea gamblers and little blue-haired marauders we would ravage the seven seas in search of Dramamine and treasure chests. Or ATM’s at the very least.

You know that old saying “If you can dream it you can achieve it.”? In my case it’s probably for the best that’s not always true.

And finally, last weekend I made another contribution to saving the economy by purchasing the new iPad. It’s pretty sweet if I do say so myself. And yes, I do say so.