Special Blowout Edition!

Break open the gin, throw back some lithium, and put on your favorite Allen Iverson album-it's that time Again . . .

Most Popular

Jan 29, 2007

WHY IS THIS MAN LAUGHING?

George W. Bush was elected the forty-third president of, really, a pretty large portion of the United States.

AND IN SOME SCENARIOS, THE WINNER COULD TURN OUT TO BE MEL CARNAHAN

On election day, al gore won more votes.

ALONG WITH SEVERAL DOZEN COPIES OF THE SADDEST-LOOKING ASSES YOU'VE EVER SEEN

Two missing computer drives containing nuclear-weapons secrets were found behind a copy machine at Los Alamos National Laboratory.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

OH, SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE. WE'RE TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME

"I think our friend the bandanna-ed one might be in for a little symbolic retribution this year, a theory espoused by Dante in his masterpiece the Inferno. . . . Now, in layman's terms, the theory is as follows: How you perform in life is how you are either rewarded or punished in the afterlife."

YEAH, WELL, THEY STILL HAVEN'T APOLOGIZED FOR CARRYING "THE FAMILY CIRCUS"

Most Popular

The Hartford Courant, one of the oldest newspapers in America, apologized for having carried advertising that sought the return of runaway slaves.

MORE GOOD NEWS FOR THE GABOR SISTERS

Researchers in Virginia reported that they had managed to clone pigs.

ANOTHER EGREGIOUS EX- AMPLE OF THE MEDIA TAKING AN INNOCENT QUOTE OUT OF CONTEXT

"I want your heart; I want to eat your children."

-Mike Tyson to Lennox Lewis

SO WHO'S RUNNING GOD'S NAVY?

A hospital outside Bangkok was seized by members of a ragtag Burmese rebel group called God's Army, which is led by a pair of twelve-year-old twins, Luther and Johnny Htoo, who carry machetes, chain-smoke cheroots, and believe they are impervious to bullets.

OH, SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE. WE'RE TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME

Talking on Court TV about her career aspirations, Paula Jones said, "I used to do some drawing. And I thought about maybe taking some art classes. I would love to do a book deal. Maybe an exciting [one], more like a comedian-type book deal. You know, the real me, because I don't think I'm boorish at all. Do you think I'm boorish?"

THE PREFERRED TERM IS "RAG-HEAD NATION"

Madeleine Albright announced that the United States would no longer use the term "rogue state" when referring to "countries of concern" to the U. S. government.

THE WINNER THOUGHT HE WAS GETTING THE OLD BAG HERSELF

Margaret Thatcher's old handbag was auctioned off for $150,000 on a UK Web site.

THAT'LL BE NOT TO BE, THEN

According to Ethan Hawke, "More than anything else, I thought Kurt Cobain was a modern Hamlet. I thought he'd be the perfect guy to play this part."

SO . . . YOU GUYS LIKE THE COMMODORES?

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

A federal jury in Texas awarded a Ku Klux Klansman $55,000 in damages after prison officials put him in a cell with black prisoners, who beat him.

"O Captain! My Captain!":

1. DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE WIFE IN THE POOL?

According to William Shatner, "During the process of sitting shiva, the concept occurred to me: Grief can be funny."

After President Clinton signed the T-shirt of a woman in Lake Placid, New York, the recipient took off her shirt to show it to friends. Authorities hustled the bra-clad woman away.

NO SHIT

John F. Kennedy Jr.'s flight instructor stated that he "would not have felt comfortable with [Kennedy] conducting night-flight operations on a route similar to the one flown on, and in weather conditions similar to those that existed on the night of the accident."

JUST WATCHING THEM DIE IS PROBABLY EVEN EASIER

The American Heart Association issued new, simplified instructions designed to make learning CPR much easier. Some steps that were cut out include looking for a pulse, trying to position one's hands perfectly atop the breastbone, and the Heimlich maneuver.

JUST SHOW US YOUR TITS

"I only wear these crop tops because other clothes would make me sweat when I dance."

-Britney Spears in Germany's InStyle magazine

F IS FOR FATWA

Yusuf Islam, formerly Cat Stevens, released his new album, A is for Allah.

THE THROBBING BLUE LINE

After taking a fourteen-year-old girl's camera at a concert in Florida, police officer Thaddeus Antoszewski returned it to the youngster, but only after photographing his partner's penis.

THE COSTUMES WERE CRISP AND MAGISTERIAL, BUT THEY PRACTICALLY PHONED IN THE MIRANDA WARNING

Rex Reed was arrested for shoplifting.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

ALTHOUGH DOCTORS STILL RECOMMEND BITCH-SLAPPING FIRST

The FDA approved a form of Prozac for the treatment of severe premenstrual syndrome.

A thirty-five-year-old Italian man tried to drown himself in a Milanese river but was swept into the city's sewer system. After six hours and seven miles in the "stinking, filthy water," he was rescued through a manhole.

A Japanese company has developed a Lo-Jack-type system designed, according to Salon, to help track down "grandmas, grandpas, and anyone else" who tends to wander off.

OH, SURE, AND THE "ARTIST" GETS AWAY SCOT-FREE

Two men were charged with grand larceny after attempting to make off with one of the five hundred life-sized fiberglass cows placed around New York City as part of the CowParade 2000 art event.

NO MAN WOULD HAVE BEEN SURPRISED

A crazed, thirty-pound beaver attacked a Canadian woman's two large Newfoundland dogs. "I never would have imagined this from a beaver," said the woman.

WHAT GENIUS DECIDED TO PHASE OUT THE ARMREST?

Archaeologists in China discovered a two-thousand-year-old toilet complete with running water, a stone seat, and a comfortable armrest.

THERE GOES THE WHEATIES DEAL

Sumo wrestler Asanokiri forfeited a match after his mawashi belt fell off on Japanese national TV.

THE ISLEY BROTHERS VEHEMENTLY DENIED THE CHARGE

A federal appeals court has upheld a $5.4 million jury decision that pop singer Michael Bolton partly plagiarized one of his biggest hits-"Love Is a Wonderful Thing"-from soul legends the Isley Brothers.

DKNY TERRIER HANDBAG, $450

Donna Karan and her daughter, Gaby, looked on in horror as their Jack Russell terrier, Petey, was attacked and killed by a swan in Central Park.

SO THEN KARENNA'S THE SMART ONE?

Al Gore's son, Albert III, seventeen, was charged in North Carolina with driving ninety-seven miles an hour in a fifty-five-mile-an-hour zone.

THOUGH SHE DOESN'T DISPUTE THAT THE SEX WAS FANTASTIC

Debbie Mathers-Briggs, the mother of Eminem, is suing her son for defamation of character, claiming that in a media interview he portrayed her as stoned white trash.

HAVEN'T THEY SUFFERED ENOUGH?

Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You" accompanied a fire- department video showing Columbine High School days after the massacre.

BUT EMPLOYEES' SCROTUMS MUST REMAIN COMPLETELY SHORN

Disney executives relaxed the stringent appearance code set by Walt Disney in 1957 to permit "neatly trimmed" lip hair on its male employees.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

"WE PUT THE HIC! IN VEHICULAR HOMICIDE"

Audrey Kishline, the founder of Moderation Management, an alternative to Alcoholics Anonymous that promotes moderate drinking for some problem drinkers, pleaded guilty to vehicular homicide after killing two people while driving intoxicated.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, RAISE YOUR LEFT HAND

Anonymous sperm donors can be forced to testify in legal proceedings, the California supreme court ruled.

IN OUR DAY, A DUMB BASTARD WHO LANDED HIS PLANE IN AN ICY WASTELAND COULD DAMN WELL EXPECT TO REMAIN FROZEN THERE FOREVER

Famed aviator Dick Rutan was stranded for twelve hours after his plane landed on the North Pole and then sank through the ice.

THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKIN', AND THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY'LL DO. ONE OF THESE DAYS THESE BOOTS ARE GONNA LOOK ADORABLE WITH A PAIR OF LAURA ASHLEY CULOTTES

In reaction to games made boring because of increasing serve speeds, the United States Tennis Association is considering introducing new tennis balls. According to USA Today, they want to use "a bigger ball, with more fuzz, because it turns out that small, bald balls travel faster than large, fuzzy balls."

SPEAKING OF SMALL, BALD BALLS

Reclusive author J. D. Salinger's daughter published a book revealing intimate details of her father's life.

Dubious Man of theYear Tie!

THE WINNER OF THE BATTLE ROYALE

Each may be the only man in America who couldn't beat the other freakin' guy.

AND WHEN WE COME BACK, MORE BORING SHIT NOBODY'S WATCHING

After finishing a CBS Early Show interview with conservative pundit Robert Knight, Bryant Gumbel was caught on camera mouthing the words, "what a fucking idiot."

GOOD EVENING, I'M WILLOW BAY . . .

Russian television station M1 broadcasts a program called The Naked Truth, on which a naked woman interviews newsmakers.

AND I'M STONE PHILLIPS

M1 also has plans for a program called Natural Selection, on which a chimpanzee will conduct interviews.

An Israeli researcher believes Goliath suffered from acromegaly, a condition asssociated with gigantism that may have prevented him from seeing the stone flying at his skull.

IT WORKED FOR BAGGER VANCE

University of Wisconsin administrators admitted they used computer retouching to add a black student to the cover of a brochure to project an image of diversity.

BUT THE BLACK GUY WAS REAL

CBS admitted that it dubbed recorded bird sounds into the background of televised golf tournaments.

SHE'S COUNTERSUING FOR RETURN OF HER BLOW JOB

A Kentucky man who won $65.4 million in a Powerball lottery sued to recover $500,000 he gave away to a woman during a spree of drunken generosity.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

GOOD FOR HIM

A Court TV reporter was held hostage for four hours by convicted murderer Kenneth Kimes, who grabbed her during the taping of an interview and held a pen to her throat.

I MAY BE A DUMB JOCK, BUT I DON'T MOLEST LITTLE GIRLS

In 1997, after winning the Super Bowl with the Green Bay Packers, tight end Mark Chmura refused to visit the White House, citing Bill Clinton's philandering and immorality as his reason.

OKAY, BUT MINE WASN'T FAT

In April 2000, Chmura was charged with sexually assaulting a seventeen-year-old girl at a liquor-fueled post-prom party.

KATHIE LEE GOT ONLY $5,000

Desperate to bolster viewership, CBS offered $10,000 to the first contestant to volunteer to quit Big Brother so the network could replace him or her with a good-looking woman.

Most Popular

IN AMERICA, IT WAS CALLED "CAMPAIGN 2000"

On the Dutch TV show Beyond the Limits, contestants run nude races with paper money crammed into their bodily orifices.

365 reasons to kill yourself

307. Drudge Manifesto. 308. A second book of staggering genius by Jewel. 309. A second book of fiction by Ethan Hawke. 310. Natural Blonde, by Liz Smith. 311. American tourists who travel to Third World war zones and act surprised when they're taken hostage by rebel forces. 312. "Hey, whoa, sorry about that decimating the population thing." --Bureau of Indian Affairs 313. George W. Bush called a reporter from The New York Times a "major-league asshole" while never once thinking to mention the cocksuckers from Newsweek or the shit-stains from Time. 314. The joyous reality of a Jewish vice-presidential candidate only means that every four years we are going to have to pull out the Ethnicity List and make sure everyone gets a shot, or we are never going to hear the goddamn end of it. 315. You're not allowed to sell your soul on eBay. 316. But selling it on Meet the Press is no problem. 317. Cindy Adams's star-studded party in honor of her Yorkie, Jazzy. 318. The disco that opened on a site at Auschwitz. 319. Barbra Streisand's farewell concert is not a legally binding agreement.

320. Jesse Jackson, exiting the Barbra Streisand $2,500-a-seat concert, called it "the ultimate ethnic experience." 321. "Yes, but how would you use the surplus?" 322. After a week of hysterical reporting on the possibility that toxic bottled water was being sold in New York City, the media blamed public hysteria. 323. 10:00 P.M.--10:25 P.M.: Full-team coverage of the Roger Clemens bat-throwing incident. 324. 10:26 P.M.--10:30 P.M.: War in the Middle East, trouble in the Balkans, Koreas unite, Ebola outbreak in Africa. 325. Subway Series. 326. Paul Simon sang a musical tribute to Joe Torre. 327. Isabella Rossellini's cosmetics. 328. The JFK action figure from Hasbro. 329. Webcams. 330. Hotsyncing. 331. Tim Burton filming a commercial for Timex. 332. Kevin Smith filming commercials for Coca-Cola. 333. Will Smith's children's book. 334. Katie Couric's children's book. 335. "You can't win on terrorism anymore. Even Arafat has learned that. Terrorists now hire consultants . . . they conduct their terrorism through PR campaigns." --Eric Dezenhall, president of Nichols-Dezenhall Communications, a Washington, D. C., PR firm 336. A German PR firm, Hunzinger Information AG, was hired to improve the image of Libya, home of Muammar Qaddafi. 337. A former woodworker living on disability and painkillers died alone in his trailer, and the only reason anyone cared was that fifteen months earlier, he had lost control of his minivan and hit world-famous multimillionaire horror author Stephen King. 338. For a brief moment there, Robert Downey Jr. was free and Wen Ho Lee was in jail. 339. Tom Green still has one testicle. 340. Tom Green is marrying Drew Barrymore. 341. You only need one testicle. 342. The outside chance that cell phones might not be harmful. 343. The use of Cream's heartfelt ode to depression "White Room" to sell white iMac computers. 344. Two Reform party candidates. 345. "Fuzzy math."