5. Zoisite

But wait…you mean there’s another villain who fits the above criteria?

Who’s sassy and fey and cosplays as Sailor Moon and manipulates a wall of rats for evil purposes?

Whose greatest weakness is ROSES?

The soundtrack for this moment is Kanye West and Lil’ Pump’s “I Love It.”

Zoisite manages to play tragic villain while targeting enemies for the PETTIEST reasons.

When upset, he cries to his boyfriend about all the people he hates.

Ugh. RELATE.

Lucien Dodge’s voicework in the 2015 dub is just fantastic.

Nephrite’s cool, but Zoisite is FUN.

4. Kunzite

PATRICK SEITZ VOICES A TRAGIC, LONG-HAIRED VILLAIN.

Surprisingly, that IS what I asked for for my birthday!

Upgrade Zoisite with a deep voice, barrel chest, and competence.

Add a cape and unbutton his shirt.

Ta-daaaaaa.

Kunzite takes over Zoisite’s mantle of pettiness. He and Endymion engage in nonstop, passive-aggressive snark battles and I LOVE IT.

Something about a man who’s hot AND competent WORKS for me.

3. Endymion

I originally had Tuxedo Mask in Endymion’s place.

Tuxedo Mask is my longest-standing TV crush.

I’ve loved that ridiculous man for 20 years, vague advice and all.

Unfortunately…

Tuxedo Mask kisses an unconscious Usagi twice. Those scenes did not age well AT ALL.

He also dates Rei (WHY?) and his treatment of Usagi occasionally dips into unnecessary nastiness. What is your PROBLEM?

In a late-season twist, Tuxedo Mask is wounded, captured, and brainwashed by Queen Beryl.

He becomes the sassy, irritating, unhelpful Endymion.

I didn’t know this change would STRENGTHEN my love for the character.

Endymion is WONDERFUL.

He lounges around the Dark Kingdom in his princely uniform (did Beryl preserve it for this very purpose???) taunting Kunzite about his plans.

Then, when Kunzite sets his plans into motion, Endymion shows up IN A TUXEDO flinging BLACK ROSES.

I just finished an episode where Endymion INTERRUPTS KUNZITE to antagonize him in front of the Sailor Senshi.

Their argument CONFUSES EVERYONE.

For all the threatening of Sailor Moon he does, Endymion doesn’t do much of anything. He flies in, spits insults, and flies out, shouting over his shoulder, “I don’t have TIME for you, Sailor Moon. Until we meet again.”

I laugh every time he’s on screen. Well met, sir.

2. Sailor Jupiter

Tall girl: check

Tomboyish appearance: check

Love of baking: check

Obsession with romance: check

Soft heart: check

Overprotective: check

Guess which character I identified with in high school.

Makoto smashes the hell out of stereotypes – she might be an aggressive tomboyish rebel, but her deepest desire is to get married and open a flower shop. While fighting off gangsters and pulling girls out of traffic, she repeatedly falls in love at first sight.

I like that Takeuchi didn’t take the route of, “Jupiter’s basically a dude!”

A bunch of lying liars want me to believe that Usagi values Rei most as a friend.

In the anime, at least, I see more of a connection between Usagi and Makoto.

Theirs is a friendship I actually believe.

1. Sailor Moon

Rewatching the original anime, it hit me how unprepared 14-year-old Usagi is for heroism.

A TALKING CAT pins the fate of the world on a teen who’s never fought a day in her life.

How can she save the world if she can’t get to school on time?

WOW, DO I RELATE!

Usagi goes from bratty teenager to competent, caring heroine.

Her teammates (REI ESPECIALLY) consider her a loser.

By the first season’s halfway point, Usagi learns to ask for help and take action in spite of her fear.

On her bad days, she’s still a friend, inviting outcasts into her orbit.

Sailor Moon showed me how to be soft and strong, silly and serious, just and merciful.

Even losers can do the right thing.

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She/her. 4w3. Lover of vegan cream cheese and performative angst.
Seattle-based writer currently dabbling in socialism and progressive Christianity.
I love to call out, complain, overreact, analyze, and reimagine.
This site contains the fruit of that labor.
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