Tomorrow I see a new therapist for the first time. It's a year to the day that I first posted my introduction here at MS. A year now since I told for the first time what had happened to me over those summers 40 years ago.

The conversations I had here enabled me to meet with a general counselor in May for six sessions where I just talked and he listened. It was hard for me to do, but it made it possible to eventually tell my wife of 27 years my deepest secrets. I owe her that and so much more after all we have been through together.

Now I can talk about some of it and because of that I can get help. I never thought I could ever do that, I had resolved long ago to die with my secrets. But they eventually sucked enough life out of me that I couldn't outrun them anymore. I am no longer as fast or strong or as delusional as I once was.

I am hopeful tonight and to be honest, a bit scared too. I know I am going to have to work at this. But I will do it, in large part because I found my voice here and sometimes I have borrowed your courage. That's what a community does. Wish me a clear mind and the courage to put my guard down and be vulnerable. Its only when we open up that we move forward. Thanks.

I had many of the same feelings. I always believed I would take this secret to the grave. I also thought I could control the secret and the past, but in reality I learned it was controlling a part of me, causing so much internal conflict and struggle. It took some time to speak of the abuse, slowly I began to tell what happened, the big brown door haunted me, I was seeing it everywhere. It was the door to the cellar where the priest would take me.

Over time, sharing my story with the T, doctors, support groups, friends helped me to heal. I learned there are those who are not there to support or listen, so please accept this, I did not and it only caused more harm to me.

You attitude is positive and you will know when you feel safe and comfortable to share. I wish you well and I hope this is the beginning of unburdening yourself of abuse that should never had been, but it is part of your reality and past.

It sounds like you are ready for some relief. Best of "luck" to you. The fact that you are taking this step says a lot.

Some Ts take a while to get to know you - wanting to hear a general biographical outline, etc. Others let you direct the flow of content and subject matter.

I found it most helpful to spew it all out as quickly as possible - to tell as much of the bad stuff as soon as I could. I wasn't there to impress him or get him to like me - but to get rid of the garbage. After "vomiting" the worst of it out the first few sessions I felt much better and it reduced my fear of his reactions - which were all positive. We evenntually developed a mutual respect and regard for one another almost like a friendship.

Edited by traveler (04/04/1409:45 AM)

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"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

I think just getting to this point in your life is quite the accomplishment in and of itself. It took courage to do all the foot work to setup the appointment in the first place. The new T will help guide you when you need it. It will become clear at some point whether or not they are the right person for you and if they aren't no big deal. There are other Ts. You will find the right one.

I hope it goes well.

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Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

your making great progress and congratulations. You may not think you are as strong as you once were but i found that anyone who can survive abuse, survive life with the pain, have the courage to talk about it and then open up, Well it takes incredibly strength and courage to do that. As to the new T good luck and keep in mind you are in control and she is there to help you. The new T is any other tool.

Thanks guys. I read your support thread sitting in the parking lot before I went in. Wasn't going to back out, but you sure helped me go in there. It went well. We are going to work together. It's going to get better. Thanks friends. :-)

Hi Dave. Glad to hear the first session with the new T went well. Good luck moving forward with him. I know it can probably be frustrating to start over with a new T and more or less have to go back to square one with your therapy. It was for that reason, when my one therapist ever moved away almost 19 years ago, I never started back with a new one. (That wasn't the only reason I didn't continue on with therapy, but it was the primary one.) Hope you are well. Peace,

Very happy for you, Dave! I found that a therapist who is well trained in abuse and trauma recovery can be tremendously helpful and give you an extra boost in your recovery. As you stated in your initial post, you wanted to do this at least in part for your wife- use that and other motivators you have to keep you going on this journey. I have no doubt your new therapist will be just one more of those supports for you (and in addition be able to help provide guidance and deep insight into your experiences and recovery trajectory).

DaveCongratulations to you for staying true to your journey and forging ahead when the path wasn't cleanly laid out in front of you. Your grit and determination is inspiring. I wish you well as you open a new chapter in your life. Just know that as much as you found your voice here at MS, you gave back to the guys here more than what you took. I have been moved by your story. I am better off than before because I have known you and learned from you. Thank you for all you've done, and I wish you an even better future.

Good for you. I'm glad it went well. It's tough enough disclosing all this to strangers the first time around, let alone a second. There's really nothing like a really understanding and compassionate therapist, in my opinion.

I like your comment about how we only move forward when we open up. That's so true! I think what makes it so hard is that it takes so much courage, and it's so hard for so many survivors to muster. Congratulations again on being willing to take risks--again-- for the sake of healing.

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