The Guardian reports that Russian President Vladimir Putin will not attend the 2012 London Olympics because he would rather eat a bag of dicks than attend your stupid Olympics, London, MOSCOW 4 LYFE.

It is believed that the boycott is intended to express Putin's displeasure with a sundry list of British governmental policies (and vibes), including a Parliamentary proposal to bar senior Russian government officials accused of human rights violations from entering the country.

Putin is expected to send Russian Prime Minister/Occasional President Dmitry Medvedev in his stead.

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Earlier this month, Putin also boycotted the G8 summit hosted by America's own Barack Obama. He said he was too busy to attend. He sent Medvedev in his place, which is not how parties work, Vladimir Putin.

Desperate to make their event seem cool again, the British Foreign Office aka Hype Squad is claiming that these Olympic games will mark "the largest top-level international gathering in diplomatic history," even without Putin, who will no doubt regret his decision not to attend once he realizes that he doesn't get any of the gang's new inside jokes.

120 heads of state are scheduled to travel to London, versus the 87 who came to Beijing for the 2008 games.

Russia is due to host the Winter Olympics in 2014. Putin will presumably attend those, though it remains to be seen whether anyone other than Putin will be invited.