Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Because you care, these are my official blueprints for self-improvement:

1. I will stop procrastinating. Today, for example, I re-joined my old gym, purchased furniture for the badly-needed YG Bedroom Floor Reclamation Project, started a diet, cut back to two cups of coffee, called the insurance company about some odd charges here and there, fixed the wireless connection, and finished a book that had been sitting on my bedside table for three months. Tomorrow, I shall take down the Christmas tree, take my children out for our Bi-Annual Shoe Shopping Nightmare Festival of Empty Threats, and will meet with a personal trainer.

For the past little while, I have been the best-intended person EVER, and yet, sadly, nothing ever got, well, DONE. This will change. I am now a Woman of Action. (And you can stop your smart-mouth jokes about that comment RIGHT NOW, darling husband o'mine. I can't help that my number is bigger than yours.)

2. I will stop making assumptions.I shall endeavor to refrain from judging others, and assuming that I know what they are thinking, by their reactions to me. I love to work myself into a tizzy over what I KNOW someone is thinking about me, and it seriously wastes my time and shreds my psyche.

3. I will be impeccable with my word.This goes along with the procrastination. I will do what I say I am going to do. And, I will not promise that I will do something when I cannot.

4. I will branch out of my comfort zone more often.I read a study once that suggested that, if you have not tried something by the time you're 40 - like a particular kind of food, or music, or some such - that, statistically speaking, the odds are that you will NEVER try it. I was like 25 or something when I read that, and I was flummoxed...surely, I thought, I would never be like that!

Well, now, I'm 38, and I'm very, very afraid that that is EXACTLY what is happening. So, for those who know me, please encourage me to get off my couch and go out to see music, or movies, or to go eat at restaurants, as soon, and as often, as is fiscally responsible. Which brings me to number 5:

5. I will be fiscally responsible.Um...for once.

and, finally, and most importantly:

6. I will MOISTURIZE.Every day, without fail.

Something bad happened to my face over break. I'm not sure if it started in Vegas or in Kansas City, but suddenly my face became VERY red, VERY dry, and puffy and swollen. Then, yesterday, I realized that it is peeling, all over, like I had a sunburn. (I suppose that's not out of the range of possibility, since I was in Vegas, but I don't think it's very likely, as I was mostly inside of casinos the whole time.) I tried to put creams and stuff on it, but they really burned my face...so maybe it's an allergic reaction or something?

And the best part - the BEST part, of all this, is what I noticed today, out in the harsh daylight of the CVS parking lot: Apparently, my face, when it is completely dried out, looks EXTRA ESPECIALLY OLD. And wrinkly. It is reminiscent of nothing so much as a piece of crumpled parchment, actually.

So, again, I prostrate myself upon those who know something of the unguent arts. I bought $30 worth of Aveeno products today...they don't seem to be burning my skin, so that's something. Anyone have any other advice?

Dude! I would go to a doctor if you think it's an allergy thing. Otherwise -- and you will think I'm high but I'm not, I swear -- pat a few drops of extra virgin olive oil on your face while it's still a little bit damp after you've washed it. Just a FEW DROPS, not a lot. It won't irritate your skin at all, unless you're allergic to olives, which would be TRAGIC.

About Me

Somehow, the disturbed and twisted person I am (and have always been) has ended up to be a sickeningly happy wife, professional, and mother of two.
How can I be true to my dark, goth heart, in the face of this horrible irony?