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December 09, 2013

5 Weirdest Ways to Lose Weight

Losing weight is tough, and conventional methods don't always work quickly or easily. So it's not surprising that people will try tricks and tips that promise shortcuts to shedding pounds, even if they sound kinda offbeat.

Let's just recognize at the outset that there is something sad and pathetic about the desperation that fuels our cultural obsession with weight loss. So much misery, and much of it is driven by vanity, body-image issues, media exploitation of women's insecurities, and low self esteem. Health and "weight loss" are not the same, especially if you take mental health into consideration.

Sure, healthy eating and exercise are good for you, but is less weight always better? Actually, the research is surprisingly mixed! Being somewhat overweight but not obese may even extend your life. (However, my sense from the overall research is that health is less likely to be compromised by excess weight if you are a "pear" and carry the weight around thighs and butt. There does seem to be lots of evidence that "apples" who packs on unhealthy abdominal fat should be more concerned.)

I could get all judgey about how screwed up people are around this obsession with weight loss, but that would be stupid, as I myself am not exactly a role model. I have vanity as well as health reasons for wanting to shed the excess weight that I tend to accumulate around my belly.

However, some ideas are just too wacko to justify for any reason.

Five Stupid-Weird Ways to Lose Weight

1. Get a Tongue-Patch!

Yep, the "tongue patch diet," which involves having a plastic mesh patch surgically sewn onto your tongue to make eating extremely painful, can help you lose 18-20 lbs a month on average.

2. Subsist on Air

I used to have sort of a soft spot for the loony "breatharians," who advocate a diet of nothing but pranic light.

Apparently Michelle Pfeiffer dabbled in breatharianism, which shocked me almost as much as discovering she's somehow 55 years old. How the hell did that happen? Isn't she that cute young actress who was in Witches of Eastwick and Fabulous Baker Boys, which just came out not that long ago right, in, let's see in ... Oh Crap.

But anyway, now the breatharians are telling me that if I don't want to attend one of their immortality workshops my karma will be all messed up when we all go up in flames on March 23. Strangely enough, I'm now finding their lunacy somewhat less charming.

3. Wash Away Your Weight

OK, so they believed a lot of funny things in the old days before everyone had access to sensible dietary and nutritional research. So the idea that you could wash away your body fat with soap and water, while comical, is perhaps understandable given...

Bezoars? If you google, you may discover they are actually quite useful if they come from a goat and you are Harry Potter. However, if your bezoars are not the magical kind but the sort of massive intestinal blockages you get from eating indigestible cotton balls, they are going to have to come out. The removal process is not going to be pleasant or inexpensive.

But Hey, I'm Weird Too!

Yeah, I'm not immune from crazypants weight management antics myself.

I may have mentioned that portion control is not a strength of min? I like to eat A LOT. But fortunately, I am also easily fooled by superficial cues about how "big" something is. Liquid in a small skinny glass? Yay, I get more than if it's the same amount poured into a short fat glass!

And so my current favorite semi-guilty processed food indulgence is the Quest Bar--in particular, the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough or the Peanut Butter and Jelly flavored bars.

I could easily eat these all day long. But since they contain 17-20 grams of fiber each, that would be an incredibly uncomfortable mistake to make. Plus, they are a fake-food treat to be consumed judiciously, not a whole food staple like kale or spinach which I can eat by the wheelbarrow full.

So somehow I have to convince myself that 1/2 of a quest bar, or sometimes a whole one if I have been Otherwise Virtuous, is a reasonable serving size. This is something of a challenge.

Here is a photo tutorial of my current method:

Yes, that's right. I will actually step on my food and squish it.

But see how much bigger the pieces get? Excellent! I get to eat more!!!

How about you guys, do you do anything weird in the name of limiting calories or losing weight?

58 comments:

The Flat Food Diet. Crabby, it's ingenious. Market it.As to the other weird ways, I love love love the weight-loss soap. Lose weight and get clean. As to the cotton ball diet that is sad and sorry and appalling and tells me everything that is wrong with our obsession with skinny.I don't diet as such. I eat full proper dietary fat foods. It's what works for me. Compared with the SAD my full fat, red meat, very low grain ( oats) daily eating is considered pretty damned "out there."

Well how about that. I'm currently existing on only air (haven't had breakfast). But wait, I'm suddenly hyperventilating. Does this mean I'm over-airing? What do the breatharians have to say about this?

OK, I laughed at you stepping on your food. Of course, that was just after I had a glass of chocolate milk from my tiny, striped Fiestaware juice glass - which I love drinking from because it's cute and does make it seem like I'm getting a full glass of whatever! So obviously I can relate. :)

I also use every possible excuse to move, and keep my food intake in check. For example, at a recent Christmas buffet, I chose my favorite foods carefully, and put about a bite size of each on my plate. It still amounted to more than I normally eat...

Love the bites of everything approach HSH, much better than skipping something you'd like to taste and feeling deprived! And your other weapons are almost identical to some of mine. Sometimes I just need a distraction to keep from recreational eating.

I do not agree with the being overweight by BMI crowd is better for your health. The studies I've seen find a direct correlation with rising BMI and problems providing that they do not include cachexia from existing diseases or smoking. The only validity I know is that if you already have a severe disease, it's better to be overweight for the energy reserve.

Totally with you Dr. J on the impact of obesity on health, I just find the studies to be kinda mixed on the effect of overweight non-obese. And I think its especially unclear of the impact of extra weight for those who are eating healthy and getting exercise. I think a focus on the right BEHAVIORS rather than the scale is a more practical approach for those who have difficulty losing weight, but I don't mean to minimize the many health problems that come with being extremely overweight.

I have invested in the intervention cat and it does work well. I find him particularly good at keeping me from making a run to the fridge from the comfy chair. Once the cat is in the lap claws will be applied at any movement from the human. The regular trips to the door for a look outside and then immediate "Let me back in" also keeps me on my toes.

If I was as heroic as you are on the exercise front Kim, I would not be stepping on my food to make it look bigger, and instead eating as much as I wanted of everything! Which, given my voracity, is a LOT.

And then there's the argument that the obsession with thin is not about female beauty, but about controlling women. When we walk around hungry all the time because we are dieting to meet their definition of beautiful, we are angry, and angry people are easy to control.

Good point messymimi, though I think it's sad that so many women are willing accomplices in being controlled that way, and are more comfortable with self-hatred than anger at oppressive attitudes about weight and beauty.

But again, here I am squishing my food, so I should probably get off the soapbox...

It's not a question of whether it's possible to be fat and healthy. That question is just irrelevant until science actually does come up with a way for people to lose a substantial amount of weight in the long term. It's certainly possible to lose some weight long term, and it's certainly possible to lose a lot of weight short term, but a lot of weight long term is outside the abilities of most of us mortals.

In 2007, UCLA did a meta-analysis of weight loss studies, and found that almost no one maintains weight loss beyond five years. Between 1/3 and 2/3 wind up fatter than before the diet.

The National Weight Control Registry had to include anyone who has kept weight off for just one year in order to have a decent set of "success stories".

Weight Watchers, which is generally considered the best of the lot, kind of unintentionally released statistics a few years ago indicating that a whopping 2 out of 1000 members reach their goal weight and keep that weight off for five years.

According to a study last spring, doctors are already biased against fat people by med school, and they carry that bias into treatment of their patients. And they will recommend weight loss for damn near everything.

And don't get me started about stomach amputation.

Unless you have some specific medical issue that requires specialized treatment, the best things you can do for your health are to eat a nutritionally dense diet with limited or no sugar and refined grains. Get some exercise -- aerobic for your heart and lungs, strength for your bones and joints. Toss the magazines marketed to women. Watch British TV, which hires people that don't look like models. If you are very rich or very clever, buy or make clothes you love regardless of whether they have a "slimming" effect or not. Love yourself, not some imaginary version of you. And tell anyone who judges your body to kiss your fat arse.

Now, within the framework of trying to eat a nutritionally dense diet with limited or no sugars or refined grains, I think the flat diet has serious marketing potential. I will try it myself on my Quest Bars, which I'm starting to find too expensive for a daily snack, but if I could smush half of one so that it's bigger than a whole one ... genius!

Wow, Trabb's Boy, thank you for the statistics--as depressing as they are, it does put the whole issue into context. It's not like life is like "The Biggest Loser" where a few months of hard work makes weight effortless disappear never to be seen again.

And I'm SO with you on British tv and movies... I actually find "real" looking people more attractive and compelling than the plastic looking actresses and actors on American shows.

I order the quest bars by the box in a single flavor online, with an automatic refill to save 10%, and try to scrounge up discount codes when I can find them, but yeah, even then they aint cheap!

Your judgy pants make for entertaining comments, Trabb's Boy. :-D I agree with you, though. So many people don't realize the reality of keeping weight off once it's been lost. It is depressing. And I miss the BBC Channel.

Crabby, the thought of a blog named "Cheerful Fitness" completely cracked me up. I'm trying to envision such a thing and can only come up with snarky parodies of cheerfulness.

Your food squishing is kind of like my ice cream smooshing and eating it with a teeny tiny spoon.

The cotton ball thing is a vile reflection of our society.. which is what makes your following line so very true. "Health and "weight loss" are not the same, especially if you take mental health into consideration."

Funny, informative and gross all at the same time. Food flattening looks like fun! I am intrigued by the Quest bars. For some reason I thought they had soy in them, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I do try to limit dairy except for protein powder, so I may have to give them a try...especially the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.

Kimberley, they really are kind of awesome, at least I think so, though some people might not like that they use non-caloric sweeteners. And there are flavors other people love that are kinda "meh" to me, and it is probably vice versa with my faves. But definitely worth a try, as they can come in handy if you're caught somewhere there's no healthy food and need a quick protein & fiber fix that actually tastes good.

Dang, I should be an affiliate or something! Or maybe get them to do a special Cranky Edition bar? :)

How much does the soap sell for? They have a good tagline though. "Wash Fat Away". I wonder if they also add instructions for how to wash with the soap for optimal results. Your Flat Food Method is pretty sweet. I had some problems with eating too many bars before. This just might be the solution!

1. 12 Y visits including 4 swims - 7 visits including one swim. Yahoo!2. Try cyclefit (spin) class at the Y - not yet3. 10 Yoga classes - 3 so far4. Bake 2 cakes - Not yet, but I bought the 6 inch pan (cakes are just for 2). But I FINALLY steamed mussels at home - I've been thinking about this for months but was intimidated. Turns out it was easy and delicious.

Phoebes, that's excellent progress, can't wait to hear more updates! And I've always been intimidated by steamed mussels, even though they are SO tasty. Perhaps you will inspire me to follow your lead!

Oddly enough I was thinking about the national/international weight-loss obsession last night. I've seen so many people say "Why did I eat that much [whatever] when I knew I would feel bad [physically] afterward?" Only foods I'm allergic to do that to me, and it doesn't take a lot. And "You know you've overeaten when you can't exercise right away." Either these people are exercising WAY more vigorously than I do, or I've never overeaten in my life. And I'm talking about eating two twelve inch pizzas for supper after a long day with no time for lunch (while traveling): that was not a problem. I walked briskly back to the hotel from the restaurant. So I guess I don't do anything, weird or not, in the weight loss line, except occasionally think vaguely that I should stop eating two bowls of ice cream for dessert and only eat one. I did manage to take off about thirty pounds over the course of two years by thinking vague thoughts like that.

Mary Anne, I have to confess to being a bit jealous that the "vague thinking" approach works so well for you! I think vague thoughts of accomplishments of all kinds and what do I get? Bupkus. My vague thoughts seem to lack your superpowers, alas, but glad that you've got it down!

I like it Sherri! And if you can stick to one day every other week, you've got major willpower. But it's so smart to have some outlet for junky stuff you love that doesn't lead to total loss of control.

Our Intervention Cat works quite well, but he's a bit too selective. He'll happily relieve us of fish, chicken, and the occasional potato chip. Other than that, we're on our own.

The weight loss soap is my favorite of these lunatic methods. I wonder if it's made by the same people who make First Date soap (not kidding, we have a picture). How does that work? *scrub scrub scrub* "Look, honey! Muscle tone!" LOL, I wish. These weights are damn heavy. :-P

Regarding goals for the month, I've been doing another challenge, hence the whole forgetting to comment thing. D'oh. Mine were to burn more calories, move more often, dead lift more weight, and cook a different dinner for 28 nights in a row. I've met almost all of them so far, but had to cancel the dead lift goal due to joint issues. Still managed to drop 19 pounds since June and greatly improve my blood work, so yay! Everything's coming up bunnies. :-)

Well, Crabby - I happen to think that ingesting largish amounts of healthy stuff like spinach with tons of those wonderful micronutrients is a GOOD thing and that anyone so inclined to chow down should do so with complete abandon!! AND I think it that's what they do - absent some serious straying into other areas - the weight stuff will settle itself out just fine :)

That said - I have gone through many, many a silly scheme with myself as lab rat. If you can imagine what the Little Rascals or Three Stooges might have come up with, that's pretty close to what I've probably tried or at least given serious thought to through the years.

And then there's the Fran Lebowitz High Stress Diet which she wrote about decades ago (so - don't be expecting anything remotely, conceivably healthy). As I recall, the basics were you could eat whatever you wanted in whatever quantity as long as accompanied by equal number of cigs and cups of coffee and preferably a call to a high-pressure not so supportive parental unit.

What I did for a few years (decades ago) was pretty much exactly that! (No breakfast; lunch was usually a Snickers bar or something along those lines; cigarettes and coffee all day until dinner which was simply one giant plate of food.

Oh yeah... I was thin. AND any more time spent doing that and I probably wouldn't be here to write this pathetic little reply to the post. Plus, I'm sure this likely resulted in long term impact/consequences that I now choose to ignore. Or just tell myself that current virtuous efforts have magically 'erased' some of that. Did I mention I also believe in Tinkerbelle and magic pixie dust???Anon

Anon, wow, did not know your snickers and cigarette diet history, which makes your currrent more healthy approach to life even more impressive! And, in my unprofessional opinion, I think youthful indiscretions are indeed mostly erased if followed by decades of better behavior. Or at least I hope so! I don't think many of the folks who have lived to a healthy ripe old age somehow escaped some indulgences or poor lifestyle choices along the way. If it's been decades I'd say you're golden!

Again, suffering from "can't see the mistakes until I publish" syndrome. Let's try again.I don't know about weight loss, but I keep my beautiful six-pack (well, maybe 1/2 pack) by reading your blog. Wait, I have to wipe away the tears. Incidentally, I totally blame you for my laugh lines. On the other hand, there is that 1/2 pack so...never mind, it all gets balanced out. Now, a little bit of off-topic musing: I've often wondered if the "desperation" factor, the type of strange, weird, attempts to lose weight, differ among those who had a weight problem most of their lives, vs. people for whom weight gain was a later development. I don't know about anyone else, but my occasional experiences with weight gain, came later in life and felt "episodic". It seemed like I was "off" for a bit, but I'd get back on track and be fine. For this reason, I was less likely to try extremely bizarre interventions to get back to normal. I wonder what I may have been willing to do, were I to suffer from a lifetime of image...issues, from feeling insecure, criticized, laughed at or ridiculed. I just don't know. Cotton balls may have seemed like a reasonable way to quiet the screaming (in my stomach and my brain).

Thanks dlamb for the kind words, and I appreciate your thoughtful take on the impact lifelong weight problems would have, and how it could really lead to enough desperation to do some crazy things. Our culture is so punitive about excess weight and other superficial appearance issues!

I've read a lot about weight loss, because I had issues with weight, heard about tons of stupid diets and rules, but never come across to things like this or had the slightest idea to search for, Maybe they should add razor diet :D Eat 1 razor befor your meal D

LOL…the things we will try! I am currently doing my annual juice fast inspired by the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I am post about my progress on www.sparklesandglue.com but I love coming here for a smile and motivation from someone keeping it real!