So what is The BDSS?
Call us the cast of 'Drama´s in the Borough' (as opposed to Sex and the City!!) For over a decade, we've all laughed, cried, argued and debated together in person, over the phone & via email. BDSS is an online version of what we do best; right down to the glass of wine that's always lurking around!!

Connect With The BDSS

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Addictive relationships - Cryptonite Man

Everybody has something that they are addicted to and can not do without.

My own personal addiction is to gorgeous shoes, whenever I am out shopping I have to browse the shoe department/section without fail just incase there is a lovely and gorgeous pair of shoes ready to be purchased.

Other people are addicted to handbags, some to food, some to drugs,some to porn, and some to relationships. Whatever the addiction you just need that fix! It makes you feel better at least in the moment .... the long term repocussions are often not felt until later down the line.

What is an addictive relationship? How can you recognise the signs?

If you are reading this right now and you're looking over at your partner whom you've just recently allowed back into your life after numerous failed attempts at your relationship, and this is your 4th or 5th try, then it may be that your in an addictive relationship!

It can feel a little like this song by Kem:

And for various reasons you just keep going back!

The most common reasons for returning to the relationship no matter what state its in include feelings of love, being afraid that no one else will compare, great chemistry/sex, better the devil you know, maybe a partners saying everything you want to hear this time (they've changed, grown, they want the same things as you).

And I'm not talking about the kind of relationship where your together off and on for a year, I'm talking about the addicton where you do not see this person for years after a break up, but then as soon as you meet again, your wondering if this person is available to pick up where you left off, the first thing you want to ask them is not how are you, it's are you single? you start scanning their hand for a wedding ring lol, your addicted, so you instantly want them again!

You don't tell your friends about it straight away as you know that you shouldn't! You exchange details, again telling yourself it will be fine, nothing will happen, but I was addicted once so I know what happens.....Something always happens lol!

My relationship had ended with this person 5 years previously, it had been a very intense, fiery, relationship involving very strong feelings, it ended on less than favorable terms and we both moved on. Fast forward five years to a night I went clubbing, and he was there - my cryptonite man.

Who is Cry-Tonite man?

He is someone who get's you everytime....well for a period of time atleast! You want to be with him again, for one or other reason. He is like cryptonite in the sense that he makes you go weak for him. While you don't take no sh*t from any other man, you put up with all his sh*t!

Will it work a second, third time around? The chances seem very slim, there were reasons why you split up to begin with, often they will re-appear once the initial feelings of excitement die down.

So BDSS'ers have you ever been addicted to a particular relationship with someone? and after how many attempts and after how many years did you decide that it didn't work? Or maybe your in one of these relationships and it is working!

2 attempts over 5 years was enough for me to move on for good from this person....and it re-confirmed my belief of moving on and not looking or going back.

10 comments:

Personally I have not gone back after an extended period, or if I have it has only been for a matter of a week or two. I definitely hold onto to the idea that it must get better than any sort of 'he was the greatest love of my life!' (Cryptonite!) ha which is why I prefer to move on, but to each their own and that being said there are definitely those people who will always hold a special place in my heart, so I don't know if that has anything to do with the going back?

No I can't say I have had a cryptonite man, I always think ex are such for a reason, and I don't deal in foolery, if you stupid enough to leave a good thing this door is not going to stay slightly open for you to look back, don't look back you left, keep it moving. However i get that some people can have such, i just say ask yourself why you broke up and if you up what made you do so and if you get back together find out if they have changed don't just go back because you can go wasting your time or setting yourself up for more pain.

Nope I've never had a cryptonite man, I think after I leave a relationship and months or years have gone by with no real contact I tend to go off them in a major way.

I remember once I was with a guy and we broke up, and years later we met up. He was always really lovely and would do anything to get us back on track so being single and a bit lonely I relented. I soon realised that I really wasn't into him anymore and I think I was his cryptonite woman. Needless to say it only lasted a few weeks until I moved on.

I have heard lots of stories where mainly women go back to old relationships after decades, and to be honest they hardly ever work out. I think the roots of a person are very difficult to change, even with time. So you will probably get the same person in the end, but with a different story.

Totally agree Bi, and Sel I love that song "I think about the day I got wrap around your finger!"

It's kind of wishy washy to think about being so enthralled in someome else that they are your 'weakness' the problem is they probably have done little to deserve the pedestal in the first place and will continue to do little second, third, fourth time around.

OK, so it’s no secret that I have in the past fallen victim to my very own kryptonite man LOL! As much as going back to a person who caused you (or didn’t help the) pain or hurt isn’t what one would ordinarily choose to do, I suppose it brings about a refreshing approach to unconditional love. . .

Going back on certain decisions and progressions made is never a breeze or a walk through the park and should never be taken lightly, as MFMU said, you are an exes for a reason.

I don’t think there is a problem if both (and that’s the key word here) parties wish to rekindle their relationship and truly work at it; it only becomes an issue if (as Bi depicted) feelings and efforts are not reciprocated or mutually felt.

Reasons obviously vary as to why relationships don’t work out; be it lack of understanding and empathy, selfishness, unacceptable misdemeanours – and all of these are very important. Or one that I can personally vouch for; extremely unfortunate events of life that bring about true tests of character, temperament and solidarity of the relationship. Family members who love to step in like a third wheel. . . even jealousy!! But we’re all human so can all falter at any stage but I am taught that to remain a Christian, we should not ever forget the pain but learn and prosper from it. In the good fortunate that two people are able to learn, grow and work things out together, it’s a testament to the struggles that may have been your previous relationship and the fact that even the trials weren’t enough to put out that fire!

In conclusion; both parties have to WANT to be in it. Everything else should simply adapt and fall into place.

I know its never easy when you have had history and sometimes you go back because you believe and it may well be true that there is some good or there is life yet still left in that relationship. Before you go back don't just go back because he called you and said some sweet things to you, or you haven't spent enough time to really find out what has improved. Personally I think including God in your relationship and building it on his foundation will allow you to see things very differently. I your faith is important to pray if indeed you have issues, see you elder or pastor and get help through there. The bible talks about marriage. Any who have a good one