Tag Archives: consciousness

I have a dream. And I also had a dream. About corporations and fear. Or shall I say ultimately, about corporations and love.

I have a dream that one day it will be possible to say these two words – “corporations” and “love” – together without it sounding like an oxymoron.

I have a dream that one day executives and employees, CEOS and administrative assistants, peers and teams and managers alike will join together, say a few “kumbayas” and make love the bottom line or maybe even just one of them.

I have a dream that it will be okay to say the words “I love you” within the confines of corporate walls, real or virtual.

Yes, I have about love in the business world.

I also had a dream. A real one. It was about fear in the business world. It went like this:

I was drifting off to sleep, thinking about my years in corporate life and how I was afraid so much of the time.
Afraid of what I could or could not say, afraid of whether I was wearing the right thing, afraid of what people were saying about me, afraid that I wasn’t pleasing the boss, that my staff might not like and respect me, afraid of the next performance review, afraid of getting in trouble, (which I never did by the way). Afraid. Afraid. Afraid.
The fact that I worked in Human Resources only exacerbated my already fearful state. As the organizational parent, conscience, judge and jury, my own behavior had to be beyond reproach. It was on display and it was being watched. As if I wasn’t afraid enough just trying to navigate the corporate machine as a regular ol’ employee, being in this role ratcheted up the fear factor significantly.

A few minutes pass, my eyes gently give way and I settle into slumber. Suddenly, I’m transported to another consciousness, whisked away, like Dorothy in her tornado only instead of Oz I was headed back to the LAND of THE FORTUNE 500, a land where the road isn’t always paved with gold but the parachutes are.

I find myself sitting in my black leather executive chair, in my nicely appointed office only I’m dressed in my pajamas with no makeup and my hair askew, much like I dress for my new line of work as “self-employed.” I’m shuffling papers as if i‘m trying to find something terribly important while mumbling the words “Love is the bottom line, Love is the ultimate bottom line”

My assistant comes in and asks me if I am okay and I tell her not only am I okay, I am truly blessed. I then tell her that I love her. I go to give her a hug but I can tell by the look on her face that wouldn’t be such a good idea.

I then proceed to my morning meeting – still in pjs, no makeup, hair askew. Needless to say I receive a number of funny looks from these folks too. They have that same look on their face – something between horror and trying to hold back laughter – that my assistant did. They ask me for my thoughts on a solution to a very sticky problem and I respond — Hmmm – “let me meditate on it”.

I then put my hands in prayer position and tell them all “Namaste” – “the light in me honors the light in you.”

Later that day, Human Resources shows up in my office. Everything I have been fearing finally comes true. I said the wrong thing. My boss doesn’t like me and neither does the staff now. To top it off, I’m told I’m not seen as a “business person”. The ultimate corporate insult.

HR then politely tells me I am “not a fit” for the culture, sympathetically offers me the services of the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) to assist me with getting my head back on straight (not HR’s job), and generously provides a bunch of boxes to pack my things.

I lay my head on my desk sobbing, I mumble to myself – “Oh If only I had stuck with business language, if only I didn’t say “I love you” to those I love, if only I said we are in business just to make money, if only I had the answer on the spot to the problem, they would have let me stay here in this LAND of FORTUNE and reap the benefits. Or at least I could have jumped on to the golden parachute and landed with some dollars in my pocket.”

If only….

I did the only thing left to do when you have just gotten fired in your dream.

I clicked my mouse three times (right click)….

And then I was “home.” Back in the real world, or the unreal world, however you choose to look at it. I realized I had just woken from a nightmare and returned to a place where dreams really can come true and actually do.
Even my dream about company’s being in business not only to make money but also to make love.

I am getting to that age where “unexpected” deaths are becoming more and expected, perhaps even accepted. Yesterday I went to a very sad, yet very beautiful and exceedingly divine memorial service for a 45 year old former colleague of mine who died “unexpectedly” after lingering for a couple of months subsequent to a brain aneurysm.

She had recently met and married a man who it turned out and much to both of their surprise to be the love of each other’s lives, finding each other after coming to close to giving up on love after years of singlehood and easing into mid-life (he ten years older) She quit her long held, chreished job and moved from the East Coast to California to be with him. They were just starting in mid-life, anew. They had found the very thing they thought they never would. By all accounts, their love was palpable and real and a light to others.

In the last several weeks I have learned of at least half a dozen deaths of people close to my age or younger (she was ten years younger) in my circles. Brothers and sisters of friends, childhood playmates, the ex-husband of a close friend.

Many of them were “unexpected”. A fast moving cancer that was never discovered for one, the fallout of a hardened life for another, a seemingly healthy heart that gave out without warning and the like for still others.

If I were sitting atop my spiritual perch right now (which I often am tempted to do) I could gain and try to give some comfort by pontificating about deeper understandings of life beyond death, the difference between physical bodies and formless timeless spirits, how death is merely a transition, a newly sculpted form – or lack of it, and how life here on Earth is merely an illusion, as some would believe. But, there are just times when the human part of me feels and needs to feel what it feels.

And what I feel in the wake of all of this reckoning is Grief. Grief over the loss of friends, or friends of friends or siblings of friends but also over the loss of my refusal to follow my soul’s calling too often when it beckoned.

I’m so sick of living a half- life, of being tentative and afraid, of not being ” all in”. I’m sick of seeking safety and missing out. I’m sick of regrets and woulda/shoulda/couldas. Tired of dancing around the edges of why I am here in the first place and at all. The Universe is showing me that this glorious, sensuous, painful, joyful, adventure-filled mystery we call LIFE can be over in an instant. Just like that (sound of fingers snapping).Despite our best laid plans. Despite our wishes and our waiting for the right time, moment, experience, place or person to do what we always yearned to do. Our physical forms can indeed “transition”, we can DIE before we did what we came to do, more importantly what we came to “be.”

I’m sure there is a prettier or more polished way of saying this. But I’m not wanting to be about making things look pretty or perfect anymore. I just want to be true, unafraid and unabashed and living each moment as if it is my last.

My surfer husband has taught me that there is a moment when you are catching a wave that you have to make a split second decision to “pull in” to the “barrel” of the wave – or not. The “barrel” I’m told is the transcendent spot of the wave, where spirit of surfer and sea merge. “Pulling in” is the only way to catch that part of the wave that will give you it’s ultimate ride. Fear, excitement, anticipation and sheer terror are all collude in a millisecond to force your decision. Pull in or not. One way or the other. There is no in-between.

To make the choice to not “pull in” does not necessarily mean you will get creamed, although you might. It’s just that you won’t get to experience the purest essence and exhilaration of that wave. There will be more waves, if you are patient for sure, but that one ride that never was will never exist again. Ever.

I have decided, and am asking God/Spirit/Universe to assist me, to “pull in” to all that is calling to me with all the commitment, passion and fervor I can muster. It’s time, way past time. I have been sitting and waiting for that wave, splashing around in the water, running from it, or floating around it for too long.

It’s Christmas Day. And I am spending it alone. I mean all alone. Well – alone without another human around that is. I do have the company of “Si” however, my “granddog” that I am dogsitting this week.

When I told most people that I would be without any human companionship on Christmas day, many of them gasped with a combination of something between pity and shock or just a sincere concern for me for having to spend Christmas all by my lonesome.

I wasn’t really sure myself how I felt about it. A part of me thought that I should be upset that I was going to be all alone on what is such a traditional celebratory day usually spent in sharing the holiday cheer with family and friends. But I think the expectation of how one should be spending this day was creating more angst than how I really felt about it. It was like I felt like I should be feeling more sad about it than I really was.

Was there something terribly wrong with me for not feeling more sadness or self-pity? Was I some kind of a sociopath for not cringing at the notion of a quiet Christmas, just me and the dog? Honestly this was much more the source of any consternation I’ve had this season than merely being alone itself.

So here it is – Christmas Day, I’m far from “home”- wherever that is these days (another story for another day). I’m alone. I don’t have one single present to unwrap. No Christmas dinner except the rotisserie chicken I picked up last night and my favorite chocolate Almond Dream ice cream(yum). No one to eat with or drink with or toast with. Nowhere – and I mean – nowhere to go . I can’t even put gas in my car today.

And it’s the best Christmas day ever.

Why? Because in the space of solitude and free from the busyness and distractions of all the things we usually expect to be doing this time of year, something so much more valuable than any gift-wrapped present showed up.

In fact, this year I got the best gifts I have ever received. And I would like to share them with you:

Gift #1 – Experiencing the Love of a Dog

Si

One of the biggest gifts I received this year was the gift – and I do mean gift – of spending time with a dog – just me and him – who is fully in the present moment. He knows nothing about the fact that this is a holiday but still spends every waking moment in a place of love, affection and acceptance and a bountiful zest for life that is consistent with the Christmas spirit . Only he does this everyday and every moment of his life. On this Christmas I got to experience love, affection and companionship from him that is the best example of unconditional love I could ever wish for. It pours forth from him effortlessly and without judgment. Plus he’s so darn CUTE.

His outpouring of love also brings forth love from me. It encourages me to reciprocate not only to him but to everyone. It helps me to feel and express the love that is inside of me.

Gift #2 – Giving Beyond Presents

On previous Christmas days and the weeks leading up to it, I was usually too busy to give of myself to anyone else. Yes, I gave gifts to my family and friends of course, and sometimes I gave money to organizations and people in need. I gave what I thought I had to give which amounted mostly to material things.

During the season itself, I was busy trying to do what I thought I “should’ – give and receive gifts, give and go to parties, spread joy and cheer. These are all good things. But I told myself the story this was all I had to give. I had children and a job and not much time for volunteering or being a vessel to spread love to others in need.

This year, I went to a church service with my daughter who is deeply involved and committed to her church and their mission. I went even though I consider myself “Jewish by birth” and heritage, and “spiritual but not religious” in my beliefs. I can tell you – from my novice standpoint -church ain’t what it used to be. The pastor is young and hip, there are no religious symbols, there’s rock music, most people wear jeans. Its not even in a church!

The pastor’s words spoke to me and I believe much of what he preaches can reach many people regardless of their religious beliefs because he speaks to us as human beings and of the struggles we all face.

Part of the mission of this church is to give ridiculous amounts of time, labor, love and also money to others. The next day they were going to give away huge Christmas dinners to 80 families in a low-income housing neighborhood.

I was going to be here in this strange town all alone. Just me and Si. I didn’t have any of the usual excuses of running around or preparing for parties so what reason could I possibly have for not going? So I went. By myself but completely in community.

There were lots of other people helping too. It wasn’t a huge thing or a difficult thing to do. But in doing it I got to see the joy that can be created by giving to those in need. More importantly I got to interact with those in need and in doing so experience our shared humanity. It’s a lot different than sending in a check or making a donation. I’m not saying those things are bad or not desperately needed What I am saying is that for me, maybe for the first time in my life, I understand there is nothing as powerful as touching another human being with your presence and your love.

Gift #3 – Discovering Gratitude for Real

It is amazing what spending time with one’s self and just being with one’s Self can enable us to discover. This year I discovered gratitude. I know that in spiritual circles this word has become seemingly overused, maybe a little trite. I’ve read about it, talked about it, been preached to about it before. But the truth is I spend a lot of time focused on what’s wrong instead of what’s right. I feel grateful but often in a conditional way.

I’d also been crawling around in a lot of darkness lately, the light obscured by lots of loss and confusion. But my experience of the last few days – spending quality time with both my daughters, loving and being loved by my granddog, spending time with people in need, and having ample time to meditate, pray, and dig deep even in unfamiliar circles has shown me all I have to be grateful for in a different, glowing light.

I’m grateful for heat and being warm on this cold day. I’m grateful to have food. I’m grateful to have amazing children and parents still alive and healthy. I’m grateful for my husband being in my life. I’m grateful that when my daughter got sick the other day she got better. I could go on and on – and on. And I plan to. Maybe the word is overused for a reason. Because gratitude is the switch that turns the light on and therefore, it can never really be used too much.

I’m grateful for this time alone for teaching me about gratitude.

Gift #4 – Coming Closer to God

This is by far the most important gift because it is the gift that makes all the other gifts possible. I’m a spiritual seeker by nature. Perhaps I always will be. Over the years, I have followed many of the so called “new age” spiritual leaders – Eckhart Tolle, Marianne Williamson, Deepak Chopra. I do yoga and try to study the philosophy that accompanies the practice of physical poses. I’m drawn toward Eastern spiritual philosophy. But, in the last few weeks I’ve been led both back to my Jewish roots and a pull toward Judasim, but also paradoxically toward the tenets of what I like to call “Christ consciousness” as well.

I’ve determined as many others have(and many others will also dispute) that all legitimate spiritual leaders – from Ghandi to King to Buddha to Mandela to Jesus himself promulgate essentially the same principles of compassion, non-judgment, service all grounded in God’s love plus the premise that we’ve been separated from our true selves and souls, and that there are many paths to God but they all lead to the same place. They lead us to our own divinity, to knowing God better, to eventually making better, more conscious choices for our life because of knowing God and having greater purpose.

I’ve believed this intellectually. I believe it fervently. But feeling it and finding it inside of myself, and especially practicing it consistently has been such a struggle. Despite all my seeking, transformation has somehow eluded me. Sometimes the extent of the struggle has tested my faith. But this season, thanks to all these other gifts and the alone time I had to go inside, I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe, I’ve actually touched God inside of me and that me and Him or Her or the Higher Power that it is can start to have a relationship. And that feels good and right and gives me hope.

So it is in that vain I say Merry Christmas today and really everyday. I hope that all of your days are as full of love and serenity that mine has been. And that you get the best present you ever had too!

Today I want to write about “Noticing”. Because I have been noticing about noticing. That noticing what we think, do and say and how and why we think, do and say the things we do seems to be a pretty important step on the spiritual path. Some will call this “awareness”. But I think what happens first as you start to become conscious is that you start to “notice”. Suddenly there is an awareness and then a questioning of the same or similar reactions to the same or similar circumstances. In my experience, it’s like there is one of me watching while the other of me is reacting. The one watching is saying something like – “oh- isn’t that interesting… why would I do/say/think THAT?”. She is noticing where she never noticed before. And questioning. She is watching but still not able to stop the one doing from having the reaction.

Not yet anyway.

One of the things I have been “noticing” these last few weeks is how irritated I have been getting about things that really have nothing to do with me. Of course at the time I think it has everything to do with me. But somewhere along the line my higher self knows better.

There are my usual sources of annoyance which some of you may also be familiar with -traffic, long lines, waiting interminably (ten or fifteen minutes) for food at a restaurant or the epitome of annoyance creation for me – being forced to dial, then deal with, any kind of customer service organization, especially ones where I cannot understand the person on the other end of the phone.

But over these last weeks I’d been “noticing” myself reacting to some events that are beyond the usual triggers.

For example. – I always get to my yoga class super early. I have a favorite spot and like to procure it and claim it as if I own it. In the corner, where I can have MY space, my privacy. These things are very important to me. Especially when I have to reach my arms out wide in a sun salutation or in a “T” while doing a twist on the floor and I’d rather not collide with the outstreteched arms of the person next to me. But in general I just like my personal space. Its just a pet peeve of mine. I realize I may be more sensitive than most when it comes to this need and that is precisely why I get there early so I can get this space. MY space.

As the room starts to fill up I can feel myself slowly become more and more anxious. Now I’m in yoga class mind you. Part of the experience is supposed to be about finding peace and love and acceptance most of all. To reduce not enhance anxiety. So not only am I feeling a growing, gnawing anxiety about the increasingly crowded room, I’m also starting to feel a good measure of guilt about it as well as at my egoic and selfish need for my space in what’s supposed to an environment of “oneness”.

A few minutes before class starts is when my level of irritation starts to really take hold. I can feel the unease rising in my body. I’m quietly but fervently trying to guard the precious little space left beside me. Trying not to make it too obvious since that would be very un-yogi like, I use every ounce of silent, energetic power I have to place dominion over my precious space. I pray, I beg, I whine under my breath. I direct my thoughts to the space claiming it to be mine. Reserving it with my energy.. Hoping those coming in the room will pick up on the vibration that reads “Reserved for Shari.”

The door closes and we are about ready to start meditation. By this time I have already used up a considerable amount of energy and invested some time in trying to protect my space. It’s the prescribed starting time for class and I can see outside the studio window that there are still MORE people coming in!!! My irritation level climbs to beyond what I can humanly control, like a fever that shoots up uncontrollably leaving you shaken and delirious. Don’t they know class is already started? I know all are welcome at yoga but this is the West – what about our Western culture’s sacred respect for being on time? Or what about not distracting meditation—so if this is an Eastern spiritual practice, isnt there something in the Eastern culture’s notion about respect about that??

But it seems that neither version of respect matters right now. People are still trickling in and we’re still supposed to close our eyes and breathe and go inward while they do. I really want to go inward. Ive been looking forward to this all day. But I can’t while there is still all this outward disturbance. Another pet peeve. Am I the only one feeling this??

This is the point where I do start to take it personally. It goes something like this inside of me:

I’ve succeeded!. I’ve managed to keep a few inches of precious space clear next to me. And class officially started! And so did meditation! I breathe a quiet sigh of relief. Only one tiny little space left – aha – next to me! Phew!!!! The begging and the whining worked. I can relax. I can meditate. Aaaaah….

Or so I thought. So when the next person walks in late – and after meditation has already started no less – and I know the only little space left is the one next to me in the far corner of the room where I have been silently praying; while the teacher says “welcome” in that warm and inviting way that all yoga teachers say “welcome” (even to people that are late to class) I am taken over by my lowest of lower self. The fever is at 106. I’m no longer in control. I open one of my closed meditative eyes, peek through it, see that no one else seems to be disturbed, and nevertheless, find myself giving that person who came in late and is threatening to take my space a very self-righteous evil eye! Yes. I admit it. I do. I tried the quiet begging. It didn’t work. So what choice do I have?? I’m thinking the glare of my evil eye will help them see the light. At the same time, I’m also “noticing” how personally I’m taking this. As if that person has been plotting all day to orchestrate their arrival in class just to annoy me. Because, you know – they really have nothing better to do.

And anyway my evil eye isn’t that evil or effective anyway. “Plop” goes the mat right next to me. Five minutes late and all. Despite my best and all out efforts. The Universe is obviously out to get me.

Now if this ain’t “ego”, I don’t know what is.

I guess we all have one. Even me. They remind us they are here all the time.

It doesn’t end there however.

In my parking garage later that day there is a car parked across from my spot that is clearly marked “NO PARKING ANY TIME”. It’s the umpteenth time they are parked there. Their license plate says “MK HOME” – as if to rub it in. I’m appalled at this car owner’s lack of rule following. Such injustice! Another example. I would never do that. So why should/can they? Obviously personal. Yet again. It’s starting to feel like a conspiracy.

And then to top it off, there is a daily, almost hourly, incessant stomping /running/ bowling(?)/ I’m not sure what it is noise coming from the three year old that lives above me. Like clockwork – 8 a.m, noon, 6 p.m.. BANG BANG BANG. Now you may be thinking my other two illustrations are just examples of me overreacting or over –personalizing. Even I eventually question myself. But come on– this one is definitely directed toward me. BANG BANG right above my head. They know I live here. What nerve! That three year old was clearly , deliberately placed there just to annoy me! What else could it be? This is SO about me!

By now, I’m exhausted. I got nothing left. The conspiracy against me is winning.

Just when I think I cant take anymore I am rescued. Thank heaven for Eckhart Tolle whose New Earth podcast I’ve been listening to – again. And I was reminded, it’s not personal. Not any of it. It just “is”. My ego thinks it’s personal because it likes to feel that special, because egos are well– personal. I could make a different choice. Surrender. Surrender is not giving in or giving up. Its just acceptance. It actually gives me power; it doesn’t take it from it me. And in so doing I can see that there is no conspiracy at all and that nothing or no one is actually doing anything to me. Its all my choice in how to view it, or resist it or not.

I have a moment of consciousness. I take a very small, incremental step toward spiritual awakening by realizing everyone else is not thinking about or out to get me. None of this is proof of that. In fact, most likely, everyone else’s own egos are too worried about themselves and all the traffic and long lines etc out to get them to be that concerned about me. All our egos bumping into each other.

Until we take a step back for one small, sweet moment and just – notice….

Its 12/12/12. Today is the day. Its finally here. End of the beginning. Beginning of the new. Day of “Ascension”. The gateway for the transformation of human consciousness from fear to love. It seems like it should be a big day. Like a holiday. Like stores should be closed or at least having a sale… or it should be a day off of work, and celebrations should be rampant. Like New Years or something. I don’t get it. Where is all the hoopla? Why don’t more people get this??

I wasn’t sure I got it either but realized a few days ago it was almost here. Not one to like surprises, I thought if something cataclysmic was about to go down I better get more informed. That would give me time to prepare.

So I researched. Thank God for the internet because it makes research so accessible. I learned about the crystalline grid and the Mayan calendar and Ascension and the symptoms that go along with Ascension.

That’s a story for another day but all I can tell you is every weird symptom that I have had in the last three years that no doctor can explain and that I have been chalking up to my Lyme disease (or something like that) was described in the list of Ascension symptoms. To include – funny hearing, burning/vibrating/tingling body sensations, shimmering vision, imbalance and fuzzy thinking.

Then there’s the non-physical strangeness like lights flickering when I walk by them and tvs turning on spontaneously in the middle of the night. I learned that maybe this was just a bunch of energy shifting in my body as I “ascend” from one level of consciousness to another. Akin to a radio tuning into a different frequency.

My system is literally “rebooting” – or so that’s what my “research” said. I’m sure my doctors would not like this explanation and would think it hazardous to my health. But it gave me an odd sense of peace. Thinking of my body like an energy field in motion with some disruption but all for a good cause. I can live with that a lot easier than Lyme disease (groan…ugh)

Anyway the other thing I learned from my research was that during this period between 12/12 (the gateway) and 12/21 (the threshold) to this new age, a lot of important information was going to be transmitted. Its not something you are going to get on the evening news however. There isnt going to be any big Presidential announcement. And I don’t even think God is going to appear with something like the Ten Commandments – but you never know—and that’s probably a little closer to the kind of means of transmission that’s going to occur.

No it will just come through somehow if one is ready, is listening and has clear enough channels to receive it. I have no idea if I am one of these “beings”. I do know that I have been having lots of symptoms that would suggest I’m headed in that direction however. But on the other hand, I havent been so good at “raising my vibration” in other ways – although I try with some yoga here and some meditation there and eating some healthy high vibrational foods along with my wine and coconut ice cream.

But honestly, I just havent made it my focus.

Nevertheless, once I became aware of it, I found myself really wanting to get this “download” from the cosmos or wherever its coming from. I kind of thought it might have something really important to say and I didn’t want to miss out since 12/12/12 only comes around once every hundred years and I wont be here for the next one and Im pretty sure 2012 is a once in a lifetime, millenium kind of occurrence.

Mayan calendars dont begin and end but once – ever- I think??? I kinda wished I had been preparing sooner for it but it just didn’t seem to have the same sense of urgency as it does today. So I got my favorite leather bound journal out with pen and got ready to transcribe because I heard that when it comes our mind wont be able to contain it. So here I am, “Waiting for the Download.” I’m not quite sure how one does that but if there is a procedure and I’m supposed to receive it I’m sure I will know or be guided in some way right?

So that’s what I am doing today. Waiting.

And in my doing so, I can tell you this. I’m not sure if it comes from the “download” or not. But here’s what I’m thinking.

We are all connected.

We are all magnificent beings.

We are all like colors of the rainbow – made of different colors and shades all creating its beauty, none it good or bad, right or wrong.

We all deserve to be loved.

Love is where its at and love is all you need.

And beyond that its all just an adventure that can be a lot of fun if you let it and look at it that way.

Maybe it didn’t need to be 12/12/12 to know that. Or maybe the download is already uploaded and always has been. Its just a matter of playing the program. Either way, while I’m “waiting” one thing I don’t have to wait for is this — in a word just to be LOVE.