naturally gassy

Florida To Get Flaming Tap Water, Officially Become Hell

The oil-drilling technique known as fracking has caused its share of controversy the past few years: Maybe it causes radioactive rivers, maybe it’s marine life to blame. Maybe it causes earthquakes, maybe that’s the Dallas Cowboys special teams squad.

Oil companies have been romancing Florida’s government for the better part of the year, according to the Southwest Florida News-Press, and are offering the state a chance to take one more step in some kind of prolonged costume contest in which Florida will win a bottle of popcorn-flavored vodka if it can look like the setting of Book of Eli.

It will, however, make it so convenient for baggers to heat up a cup of tea…

Toomush_Infer

I don't care if it sinks, as long as they vote that fightin' Irish, light on his feet, Jooooooe Biiiiiden back in first…..Whatever kind of flaming water they're drinking on CNN, Biden trounced that slimy little shit last night!….

To quickly paint a picture of Florida: A guy died last week from eating too many cockroaches, there’s a ballot measure coming up in November with the express intent of eliminating the separation of church and state, escaped monkeys are biting women in Tampa, and, now, there are going to be exploding toilets and undrinkable water.

So, basically a day in Jersey, just with less clothing…

PsycWench

Oh come on, there are other states that would LOVE to have flaming water and here Florida has it for free!*

*based on endless relatives comments when I complained about my overly curly hair as a child

Goonemeritus

The old’s down there need the excitement; the occasional exploding toilet gives the retirement home shut-ins something to talk about between Whist tournaments and the non-stop orgies.

eggsacklywright

Bingo!

Beowoof

It is no longer called an orgy. It is Sunny Acres Viagara Festival.

Cleos_Mom

Planning on not getting old, are ya?

Plenty of people in my own generation used to strike pious poses and quote that "it's better to burn out than it is to rust" but a certain sea change occurred — one the hair started getting gray and the sexier body parts started drooping, rust became a very appealing color.

Pookums

Couldn't happen to a nicer state. Seriously.

BaldarTFlagass

If I recall correctly from back in the 1970s, the walking catfish was going to render Florida uninhabitable. But it appears as though the Republicans beat that fish to the punch.

No revenue of the state or any political subdivision or agency thereof shall ever be taken from the public treasury directly or indirectly in aid of any church, sect, or religious denomination or in aid of any sectarian institution is the phrase that is intended to be stricken from the Constitution. This confuses me. I spent two years in Florida and those people never wanted any money spent on anything, except maybe wheelchair ramps.

Florida's already having sinkhole problems because it's sitting on porous limestone. Every so often one of these opens up and swallows someone's car or backyard or something — and now they'll have the added fun of having the sinkhole swallow their car and then burst into flame. Soon Florida will be so uninhabitable that we'll have to start importing Australians to live there.

Thank you. My daughter's giving us shit about not going to Disney World. I was going to take her to our local emergency room for the purposes of demonstrating to her the horrible underbelly of the White Privilege Society, and how all the things she enjoys and loves are usually derived in some way from the sufferings of the underclass. But I'll just have her read this instead. Also she's still allowed to watch Phineas and Ferb because sometimes I've got shit to do.

winnyfranfran

God, I loved that movie. Bastard from a basket! Bastard from a basket!

Florida is a geological disaster waiting to happen.
If they want to, "Bring it on!"
So be it.

LibertyLover

It is a small world, after all.

Nostrildamus

Speaking as a former Epcot employee, there's a lot more flaming around the Disney cast than just the tap water.

Pithaughn

Speaking as former DisneyLand employee, DLand is much more fabulous than Happy. And it is pretty goll darn happy. In fact Dland was the most sexually charged place I've e evvah worked.

calliecallie

It doesn't matter. The whole place will be underwater in a couple of decades anyway thanks to the melting glaciers and sea ice.

ttommyunger

But would it be legitimate fire?

LibrarianX

Don't old folks move to Florida for warmth? This sounds like a win-win…!

BoroPrimorac

We have a ballot measure where greedy, dumb fucks will give us prop 13 type legislation and finish fucking up the state for ever. Me? I'm moving to Portland or Seattle to see what it's like to live among civilized people.

Pithaughn

Seattle has Jazz Alley and the San Juan islands and wild Orcas.

An_Outhouse

Florida will be under water in a few years. I say go ahead and extract as many resources as possible.

GeorgiaBurning

Hurricanes, sinkholes, large carnivorous reptiles, teabaggers. Hard to see how fracking makes this place that much worse.

fatbob54

forget building a fence from the Gulf of Mexico to Pacific Ocean. It would be much easier to build a fence across Northern Florida. We could use the panhandle as a DMZ. Fence the idiocracy in and be done with it.

Dildeaux

If this liquid is the firewater the natives speak oh so highly of, Im in!