Super Types

1976 Superhero Catalog

Thanks for picking up Superhero Enterprises’ 1976 Superhero Catalog! You’ve probably seen our ads in your favorite comic books. Although, we can’t confirm this, because we’re not selling any merchandise. That’s why we’ve decided to put all of our advertisements into the form of a single comic book, and sell it to you for fifty cents. Even if you don’t buy any of the toys, we still make money. Isn’t capitalism great! Happy bi-centennial America!

Always fifty cents (until next issue)

Remember Kids, begging isn’t shameful, and it’s not stealing if Mommy doesn’t notice it missing from her purse.

The Mangler: Have you become desensitized by months of torturing your sister’s Barbie Dolls? Is blowing up GI Joes with cherry bombs losing its flavor? If so, The Mangler is for you! With only a weeks worth of stolen lunch money, you can turn your neighbor’s Superman toy into a Super-pancake!

Spidey and his Gyro-Powered Stunt Cycle: Spider-Man can walk on walls and swing through the air, enabling him to quickly travel to any destination via his web shooters. We at Superhero Catalog say, Screw that noise!

Mego Vehicles: Superhero Catalog receives a lot of letters saying that you want to relive all the great moments from your favorite comic books with exciting new toys. Wow, you guys have no imagination! How about creating new moments that have never (and will never) appear in any comic book with these awesome vehicles?

Batman’s Utility Belt: Have you ever wondered why Batman’s villains continue to commit crimes, despite his many efforts to stop them? Us too, and we here at Superhero Catalog think it’s time to put an end to the Dark Knight’s rogue gallery once and for all. Batman is a vigilante who doesn’t like to use guns to stop violent criminals. That’s like a chef who prefers not to use food to cook. It makes no sense! That’s why all of our Batman Utility Belts come with a Bat-Gun. Because real heroes pack heat!

The Enforcer (with handcuffs): Why should Batman have all the fun. Indulge your blood-lust with The Enforcer, Spider-Man’s official semi-automatic handgun!

Hangups and Stick-Ons: Have you recently moved into your own room and gotten one of those big kid’s beds? Are you tired of those run of the mill night terrors you’ve been experiencing? Well, why not kick things up a notch by hanging these life size monstrosities on your bedroom walls. Guaranteed to scar you for life or your money back (that’s our promise to you).

Marvel Mirrors: Agoraphobic Special! Superhero Catalog believes that throwing darts at balloons while being barked at by a carnie causes unnecessary social anxiety. Why set yourself up for failure and open yourself to verbal abuse? You can get the same crappy prizes without ever leaving your home for only five bucks!

Baby Brigade: Is your Dad always on your case about dressing up in your Mom’s clothes? Is your sister always telling you to stay out of her dolls? Superhero Catalog is not here to judge you. We just want your money. Thanks to Baby Brigade, you can give in to your socially unacceptable desires and please your Pop at the same time! It’s a win/win situation.

By buying any item in this catalog, you are agreeing to give Superhero Enterprises full rights to pander your address to any and every company that is willing to purchase it. In addition, you are authorizing Superhero Enterprises to send you copious amounts of unsolicited mail without legal recourse. Upon ordering from us, you are automatically entering into a binding contract for a lifetime subscription to Superhero Catalog. Each issue you receive will increase in price by one quarter to compensate for economic inflation, and these catalogs will ship weekly. Our pledge: If the economy improves, we will never drop our prices, guaranteed!

I used to order from this thing all the time when I was a kid! I’d mow lawns, shovel drive ways, whatever I had to do to get money for this stuff. It was like crack to a 6 year old! I remeber saving for what seemed like forever to get this Spiderman webmaker. I thought I’d strap it to my wrist and just fuck everyone up. turns out it was a tube of glue that you had to carefully apply a glob and stretch it from one point to another. After like an hour of working at it, you will have eventually crafted an imitation cob web. The first in what would become a life time of dissapointments! >:(

Oddly enough though, seeing those ads again stir up a child like joy. For a brief second anyway. Thanks!

Oh, wow! And I just always wanted the “Book-Safe” that they featured in the ads in my comic books! It looks like a book, but when you open it…IT’S A SECRET COMBINATION SAFE!!! *gasp!* I never got one, though. But screw that now! I want Batman’s Utility Belt complete with Bat Gun!