A professional author who's been Out and Proud, openly gay, for many years, answers questions about the gay community for his gay brothers and sisters and other interested parties.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Husband into Transsexual Porn

Hello Dr. Bill. I wanted to ask your opinion on this. For
background my husband was molested when he was a child for several years by a
man. He said he used to dress up like a girl to try and make it
stop. He slept with a man about a year before we met. He said he
had just moved and was lonely and drunk. He was able to finish but
vomited right after. When he talked about it he said the guy was
so weak. Now we have been married for several years. I was also
molested as a child. In dealing with that it caused me to do some sexual experimentation. My husband expressed to me he would
like to be with a transsexual. I agreed as long as we were both
involved. He contacted someone on his own and l found out. Then he
said that he did not really want to be with one. He said that he
has been looking at transsexual porn for a long time, although he says he does not find them
attractive in real life. He said regular porn does not do it for
him and that he likes that they are ultra feminine and that its
dirty. Its always just the sex part and always male on trans. He
hates it when its reversed. He also does not like gay porn. I am
very open to everyone and have gay friends and family members. But
this entire thing makes me feel like he is not satisfied with me
and I am holding him back. He swears that he loves me and that it
just gets him off. So my question is do you think he is gay and
suppressing it? Or does it have to do with the molestation? We
talk about it quite a bit. I am driving him crazy and making him feel
less of a man. I don't know what the truth is. I understand
attraction to a man or women. But a man that dresses up? I don't.
Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

First of all, "a man that dresses up" is not a transsexual but a cross-dresser or transvestite [or "drag queen."] A transsexual is a man or woman who is born into the wrong biological body and has a sex-change to turn them into the right sex.

Some men who are attracted to males and can't accept it become fixated on cross-dressers because they look like women and act like women but are male with male genitalia. Similarly, transsexuals have become women but biologically they were born male, which some men find homo-erotically titillating. Some Trans Women have not fully transitioned -- had a full sex change -- and still have male genitalia. Men who are attracted to these pre-operative transsexuals may be as interested in the penis as in anything else. To their way of thinking, it's one way of sort of having sex with men while safely feeling that you're really with a woman [and Trans Women are women].

Most people have certain fetishes or "kinks" that they find sexually stimulating, and while these may be unpleasant or uninteresting to their mates, they are generally harmless. If your husband limits his extra-curricular activities to looking at transsexual porn than there's probably nothing to worry about.

The fact that your husband was molested as a child by a man might have contributed to his own confusion over his sexual orientation, which sometimes happens to men who have been molested by males when they were boys. On the other hand, his reaction to having sex with a man -- he did it because he was "drunk and lonely," got sick later on, and thought the guy was "weak," could indicate a serious case of what we call "internalized homophobia" or gay self-hatred.

There is no easy answer. You understand that there are so many issues here that only
an analyst could get to the bottom of everything and only after repeated visits. If all of this bothers either of you, you might -- with tact-- suggest that your husband see an open-minded therapist who can take him through all these sexual highways and best determine the right road for him to travel on. But don't suggest that there's something wrong with him, as there isn't.

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