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A Letter To a One Night Stand- The Male Perspective

I am going to start this post by saying I know it is going to get a lot of heat. I am a girl writing from a guys point of view but please let me explain. I read this letter which I will be responding to 4 or 5 times. And I noticed the signs of a typical girl I see all the time and I really felt I needed to write something about it. As I have stated on this blog before I am a girl with a million guy friends and I hear all about the different women they take home. Girls, we can’t play victims we know the game. If you don’t want to be disrespected don’t disrespect yourself. Here is my fictional version of the Male side of the story. Note this is meant to be humorous but it is based in reality.

To Mrs. Last Weekend,

I want to start off by telling you my name Derek Davis. You start your letter off to me but acknowledging that you did not tell me your last name. However please think about this for a minute. Did I tell you yours? Well I must have because you were able to locate and friend me on Facebook. Did you ever think I may not have accepted it because I didn’t know who you were? Just a thought.

Also, you mention that every time you make eye contact I look away. Did you consider the possibility that the one night stand you speak of was not my proudest night? I am not the guy who goes to the bar and takes a girl home for fun. But since you didnt get a chance to get to know me you wouldn’t know that. Hopefully this letter fixes that.

Now lets speak to your “slut” definition. You ask if the clothes you wore made you into a “slut” in my eyes. The answer to that is no. If you look up the word slut in the urban dictionary you will see the first definition is “a woman with the morals of a man”. Honestly, that is how you portrayed yourself. You seemed casual and cool about the idea of a one night stand. You talked tirelessly about how much “you don’t care” how you feel in the morning and how the tequila is taking over and you “kind of like it.” I figured this was something you did pretty often and knowing many other girls like you I didn’t think it was a bad situation.

Please understand there are girls out there who will sleep with a guy once and not play victim the next day. I did not tie your hands behind your back and throw you in my car. You came willingly. You pursued me. I never promised anything for the next day. In fact in your little letter you even acknowledged that I told you where my heart was. As you so eloquently put it, “You didn’t want me to be at the party. You were hoping you’d be able to hangout with the girl you actually like who doesn’t give you the time of day, the girl who definitely isn’t sleeping with you and probably never will.” And you are right. I wanted to be with her but she doesn’t want to be with me right now. And no it doesn’t feel awesome but I can’t just sit around waiting can I. So I went out and I met you. I let my mind wander for a little bit. But you knew exactly where my heart was and you still wanted to move forward.

You make a claim that maybe part of the problem is you went home with me on the first night, but see this is where you are wrong. I could’ve respected you for that. We were in the same boat. Lonely and looking for companionship. What I couldn’t respect you for was playing the victim after and acting like I was a bad guy for not wanting to head down the marriage path afterwards. We didn’t exchange numbers, we didn’t make future plans, either one of us- to then put it on me the next day in such a public forum, that’s what I can’t respect you for.

Oh and should we discuss you sneaking out early? That was really the pinnacle of class. If you really wanted something to come out of this would you have elbowed me in the face at 4 am so you could sneak out before the sun came up? Sure you had “something to do” but it felt more like a routine you had practiced and mastered. Don’t play victim with me when its your own game you are playing and as far as I can tell from all the support you have drummed up you are winning. So congrats at that.

So next time you embark on a one night stand because you want to “kiss hot guys” and “feel attractive” remember that a guy won’t respect you until you respect yourself. Please don’t expect us to treat you any better than you treat yourself. It is unfair and uncalled for. We want to find that girl to marry as well and when we see her doing everything she can to get attention from the first guy that looks her way at the bar we see a wife who is never satisfied. If you want to be “wifed up” get your priorities straight. Having lots of men find you attractive doesn’t make you sexy. What makes you sexy is not caring what anyone else thinks. Focus on you. Be happy with you. Then the right guy will come your way.

Derek

P.S I am sorry I did not answer the 1 million text messages you sent my way. Please re- read this letter for clarification.

I’m a guy. While I think the effort is interesting, cest, this is not at all how a guy sees a one night stand.

Let me help you.

Dear Ms. One-Night-Stand:

I saw you at the party and I wanted to have sex with you. We talked, we enjoyed each other’s company. I knew I wanted to sex you the minute I saw you. IN that respect, you’re no different from half the women I see every day. At that point, the only difference between all of them and you is that you agreed to go home with me the same night you saw me at the party.

You see, I’m not one of the 15 to 20% of guys who can get sex whenever he wants it; or commands lots of attention from women. I know that those are really the only men you see or pay attention to; and that almost all the time I’m invisible to you and your friends. I’m not hawwwt, I’m not rich, I don’t drive a Ferrari, and I’m not a great conversationalist. I’m just a guy who you happened to click with for whatever reason. This doesn’t happen for me every day, or even every year. One nighters are not a common occurrence for me. I’m like most men; I’ll have perhaps 3 or 4 of these in my entire lifetime. Few people were more surprised, pleasantly and otherwise, when you agreed to go home with me.

So after the sex, I now have to assess whether you’re a good relationship partner; but I doubt you’re doing the same thing with me. Since you gave up sex immediately, that tells me you’re probably a relationship risk. If you gave up sex that easily to me; would you do that with another man? I bet you would; and I bet you have. If you’ve done it with me; you’ve probably done it before and you’ll do it again. If sex is so cheap to you, and you value yourself so little, why should I value you? See, I know that for above average young women like you, sex is very, very easy to get. For me it’s very, very difficult. Unlike you and the top 20% of men, I have to work at it. I have to get out there and hustle. Most of the time I fail.

You see, Ms ONS, for me it’s primarily about sex. I didn’t take you back to your place and have sex with you because I was lonely and seeking companionship. I did it because I was horny as hell and I wanted to get my rocks off. That’s why I do pretty much everything I do. I am a man, filled to the brim with testosterone, and I’m built to have sex. My objective is to have sex with as many women as possible, as often as possible, with as little consequence and investment as possible. Since I’m an average guy, not one of the top 20%, I am routinely frustrated in that goal. I have to conclude that for you it was about the sex too, since you gave it up so easily. If you didn’t do this because you were horny and wanted sex, then why did you do it? Because you wanted a boyfriend? Nah. You wanted attention, validation and affirmation of your sexiness and desirability as a woman, and I gave that to you. In that moment, you decided that that was good enough, and you gave it up to me.

^ This guy nailed the male perspective. I do respect the OP for making an effort to understand, that is noble. But stuff like “not caring what people think is sexy” is a female perspective, very different than the males.

cestlavie22 you have the right to disagree but that doesn’t mean Detis isn’t right. I’ve been a man for quite awhile and I can say Deti’s perspective is exactly what most men go through. What exactly dont you agree with?

Giving in to sex does not “cheapen” it, women as much as men are allowed to enjoy and want it. As for your line of reasoning you are also the same relationship risk whether or not you are able to pull these “one nighters” frequently. Yes women hold the power in most hookups, but lets not keep this charade of labeling them “easy” just because we wish we had the power, because I highly doubt you wouldn’t be a “slut” if you were able to take home girls at will. Please consider how you judge our counterparts, because frankly making women feel like “sluts” for enjoying their sexuality only hurts your interest in the end.

I will have to say agree to disagree on this. I know plenty of men who don’t think this way and honestly I think its a sexist take on things. A letter like this shows why the writer of the first letter was able to get pity.

As a woman, thank you for your honest view of how men actually view a ONS. I completely agree. I have had 2 ONS. One that I was well mentally prepared for and made it a mission to have a “How Stella got her Groove Back” kinda situation and the other has been upsetting.

After months of a dry spell myself and post ending a 5 year shitty relationship, I needed to know I was still desired sexually (it had been months since the ex and I had had sex while being in a relationship). I planned a vacation out of the country with friends who knew my goal in order to not feel “ashamed” back home, some helpful and others disappointed of my desires. I did exactly what a “slut” does. I dressed up provocatively, made a connection, got drunk, and fucked a complete stranger. It was fun, sweet, and it was exactly what I needed. As a matter of fact, I felt empowered with this new found liberation of my sexuality. I felt wanted. I felt sexy. I felt strong. I got the validation I was seeking. I did get my grove back. I owned my bad behavior, the power of pussy was evident by the glow I exuded. Every time I think of that getaway I cant help it, but to smile. I came home ready to tackle anything just like I had with that mission. I didn’t have to go out of the country to accomplish that goal, it could of been local. I’m sure he was happy to have another “drunk tourist slut”, maybe I was first ONS who knows, but I would never blame him for taking advantage of the goods I was offering.

Fast forward to my second ONS. It started and has continued on social media. Typical flirting, leaves comments on pics, sends a message that he wants to hang out. We both flirted heavily, the teasing and conversations were heavy and mutually enjoyed for weeks. It was my dirty 30, and I had nothing to really celebrate (just lost my job a week before, got in a huge fight with my family, last single gal in my circle of gf’s and felt lonely). I needed to feel good. Tequila and anyone’s company is what I wanted. I only had tequila at hand I invited him over. He was at my place in no time with a night bag and ready for some fun. The chemistry was undeniable. We talked, laughed and fucked. As soon as he was done, he gave me his back. I felt used, worthless and ashamed right away. I didn’t know how to ask this stranger that I thought I had a better connection with to leave my bed, my place, my mess if he wasn’t going to spoon me. The morning after was just as cold. While he showered, I offered to iron his clothes and made breakfast (I wanted him to know I was good for something other than sex). He turned both down, turned me down. Since that night he ignores my text messages, but manages to like my pictures. Stupid social media sex situation. Now say that 4 times and hope it doesn’t happen to you.

I don’t consider either man assholes, they took advantage of the opportunity I was offering. A good time, free sex. A prize for no real work. Sadly I thought my Stella groove would repeat itself and linger on.I wanted to feel confident, wanted and desired again. I was seeking intimacy, they were seeking pleasure.Both situations are very different. Both times I was seeking validation through sex. Both times I was lonely, insecure and unhappy with myself. I attached men and sex as a way to feel good again. I needed that attention, they were more than happy to provide it. As a woman it is much easier to blame them for feelings the aftermath a ONS has caused rather than digging deeper and realizing why we acted out. Unfortunately, no strings attached doesn’t always equate to no feelings attached. That’s where we are all getting confused. Alcohol doesn’t make it any better.

I learned a lot about myself through these men. I’m thankful for them. They provoked emotions, feelings and desires I never thought I wanted or knew. I have grown a lot since and have no interest in history repeating itself. I rather be lonely working on ME rather than inviting Jack, Jim and Jose for temporary pleasure. Sluts, ladies, woman, even men.. own your actions, whatever they may be, but also take responsibility of your actions (good or bad).

I have to agree with this although I am not sure this was exactly Deti’s point of view. I definitely agree that girls need to own their actions and men need to do the same. I was trying to get that across in this letter while adding a little bit of humor to the situation. If you were able to read the original letter you will see that the author was trying to pile all the blame on the man and I was trying to counter that.

Such double standards though. We all know that no guy, given the opportunity, would turn down sex. But no woman would ever judge him for that and say, “Oh I shouldn’t enter into a relationship with him, he gave it up too easily.” So basically if women want a relationship, we’re not allowed to have sex on the first night, no matter how horny we are. Guys, however, can get what they want from the get-go without being labeled as a whore. Awesome.

It’s an apparent double standard. Given that any woman anywhere can get laid when she chooses (although not necessarily with the guy she wants), and given that the average guy definitely cannot get laid when he wants, it is entirely understandable that a woman will be judged for engaging in casual sex.

Most guys will seize an opportunity given they are so rare. For women, it literally is her decision whenever and wherever she is.

Regardless, it’s irrelevant if it’s a ‘double standard’ or not. It is what it is. Women would be wise to realize they will be judged for promiscuity and for being easy. Men are judged on a whole host of things that do not apply to women. Also, note that ‘slut shaming’ is largely women on women. In other words, intra-sexual competition.

Wellll… I read Mackenzie’s letter and I read Derick’s. Neither are the epitome of personal responsibility. I’d take points away from Mackenzie’s for the numerous cheap shots aimed to shame/humiliate versus dealing responsibly with her anger. And while Derick started out fairly okay, working on disspelling some of Mackenzie’s assumptions, he caved and lost his integrity when it shifted into explaining away and rationalizing, instead of owning his feelings/thinking and taking that last shot…. Yaknow, I think the most honest thing was said by Derick…even if he lived it and Mackenzie didn’t like it: “Please don’t expect us to treat you any better than you treat yourself.”
(We really do attract what we believe we’re “worth” and frequently scratch our eads and wonder how we ended up in the relationship/nonrelationship.)

Both of them need therapy for work on their self worth. I know a few excellent ones…just sayin’.

Ha yes I agree that neither person really wanted to take full blame. But the point was supposed to be that neither were fully to blame- a one night stand is a two way street they were both willing parties and pointing fingers doesnt change what happened. They both did it they are both to blame.

Because women can get sex when they want (but not necessarily with a particular guy), they are understandably labeled when they engage in casual sex (it’s something 99% of women can duplicate). The vast majority of men cannot have sex when they want. Hence the reason men exaggerate their number – it’s to show they are part of the top 10% of men.

The guy took the girl whom because she was willing. End of story. He had sex. He knows he’ll have a dry spell for a while. the girl feels shame due to the fact that she gave it up so easily. Hence the shaming language.

The OP doesn’t really get the male perspective (a worthy effort for attempting it). Men don’t need to rationalize sex. They get it when they can. He likely has no interest in anything further with her. He wants to get with the girl at the party.

Im not sure I entirely agree that all men feel this way but I do agree that there is a percentage of men who think this way and for that I commend you for sharing. There are however different men and the ones I have in my life tend to fall in a different category. Not the top ten percent as you label it but not looking to be either.

Yes women and men think differently but generalizing it like that doesn’t work. As a Man I’d have to say i agree more with your letter then Deti’s but I don’t entirely agree with either. First of all there is nothing wrong with a mutual one night stand. We all have sexual feelings and urges. Also you are absolutely right we will only respect you as much as you respect yourself and personally I think its much sexier if you don’t really care what others think and you have a good sense of self-worth. I’m too am not a “20%er” but for me it’s not primarily about sex. yes we all have those drunken nights or weekend with people and if its just that than it really doesn’t matter but ladies if you wanna get “Wifed Up” leaving at 4 in the morning atleast not with out a good reason and atleast a lil explanation, a note, something. If you were doing it for the attention you got what you wanted don’t send a million texts or write a “Blog letter” wining and complaining about what happened because that is just gonna be a huge turnoff to all but psycho guys. Be an adult about it. Just going home with us the first night doesn’t make us respect you any less. Rather Its how you react to it and several other factors that will determine how we view you such as your personality, sense of humor, ect… Finally the way you dress isn’t what makes you a “slut” it’s how you carry yourself, how you act, the attitude you have. and hey going by the definition provided above {“a woman with the morals of a man”. } there is nothing wrong with being a “SLUT”.

I really appreciate this comment. Seeing that this is from the point of view of a man who can actually see both sides. Deti’s post had me a little worried but you have restored my faith. I agree with much of what you said although I do not believe a one night stand is a way to respect yourself it can work for some and I wouldnt judge just based on that. Well said comment thank you for that!

As a female not quite in the fully ‘one-night-stand’ situation right now, but along those lines of crossing boundaries without really knowing what it’s leading to and feeling the shitty after-effects – I see nothing wrong with this. I actually prefer this to the letter you wrote it in response to. I especially liked the part about it perhaps not being the ‘proudest moment’. Gives me a different perspective on things.