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Grow a Pair: A Letter to the Guys

Dear Guys of the World (or more specifically, American society),

After seeing several disturbing pictures on Facebook of couples getting manicures/pedicures together (and by several, I mean more than 3) and meeting dozens of guys who find it acceptable to wax their eyebrows on more of a routine schedule than I do, I realized I had to address the (young) males of the world all in a letter.

You see, I find it hard to believe that I’m the only single gal out there sick of seeing otherwise normal looking guys walk out of the tanning salon as I walk in, and please don’t tell me that I’m the only one who’s more than a little disturbed to read that Back, Sack and Crack Waxing is the new trend in ‘manscaping‘ in my latest issue of Cosmo. Sorry, but I just don’t need my guy as smooth as a new born baby. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for trimming certain areas, but please don’t expect me to find it attractive when your body is that of a middle school boy who hasn’t gone through puberty yet.

Lately, I’ve found myself asking myself and the girls around me on a regular basis: “Where are the real guys?” You know, the ones who don’t shave, wax, or trim their chest hair because suddenly it’s acceptable to be metrosexual. And hello, as I type this, why isn’t metrosexual popping up with a red squiggly underneath asking me to re-check my spelling? Why is Miriam-Webster defining this term!?

Has the real man become an endangered species?

Can one of you guys tell me, when did it become okay for you to eat nothing but a salad as a meal? A meatless salad, at that. C’mon, I’ve eaten a hamburger for lunch for three days in a row now, and I’m the GIRL who’s on vacation walking around the beach and pool deck in a bikini. But, at least you have your complicated Starbucks orders! What ever happened to a good, old fashioned coffee before work? Do you really need a skinny caramel macchiato with extra foam? Why does my order take less time to order than yours?

Also, I know some of you are using things like concealer and more hair product than I do to get that perfect, effortless look. Why are you spending just as much time as me, if not more, getting ready? Aren’t I supposed to be trying to look good for you? And speaking of looking good… if I can survive with less than 20 Facebook profile default pictures, you don’t need 72.

Gender roles, people!

And what about the celebrity men that seem to be the new model of man? Michael Cera? Am I supposed to be attracted to a guy who has a softer voice than I do who? How the hell has the Awkward Nerd become The Babe without coming out of his shell? And then there’s Justin Bieber. Tween girls are basically falling in love with someone of the same-sex. Anyone else disturbed?

Also, just because stores like American Apparel and Urban Outfitter sell skinny jeans, it doesn’t mean you have to buy them. Just sayin’.

Don’t think that I’m some anti-feminist chick. I’m all for working, ballsy women who can give any guy a run for their money. But to be honest, at the end of the day, I certainly don’t want to be the bread-winner to my stay-home husband. I certainly don’t want to completely wear the pants in my relationship. If I wanted to date a girl, I’d be a lesbian.

Is it so bad that I want the bad-ass tough guy who would defend me if he ever had to? Is it a crime that I’m looking for someone who’s more aggressive than I am? But, with the lack of masculine men, I have to ask myself if this is survival of the fittest. Why do the weaker, pretty boys seem to be coming out on top? Or at least, that’s what you guys think are the ideal qualities.

So guys, here’s my plea:

Stop tanning. Stop shaving every inch of your body like you’re Olympic swimmers. Put down the beauty products (you have too much to live for!). Invest in a nail clipper and learn how to use it yourself. Delete your waxer’s phone number from your phone. Grow a pair! Stop being completely whipped by your girlfriend. Stop asking if what you’re wearing looks good.

Pick a date with your girl that involves doing something besides sitting next to each other in massage chairs having an Asian woman clip your toenails. Eat a burger! Stop spending money on the same luxuries that I do and start spending it on nice dinners for your girlfriend, or tickets to a sporting event. Stop taking care of yourself so much and start taking care of the people in your life.

Stop gossiping. Gossiping is a method of bonding between woman. Activities (read: sports, fishing, even checkers) are a method of bonding between men. No one cares if he screwed her or if she really got that drunk one night. It’s scary the gossip you can learn from a group of boys sitting together. Oh, and why do your friendships have to be called ‘bromances?’ Stop that, too.

12 thoughts on “Grow a Pair: A Letter to the Guys”

damnnn, harsh on the guys sarah! however, i would have to agree with a lot of your points here..males are definitely becoming more feminized. I even find myself sometimes considering a manicure..haven’t pulled the trigger on it yet. The real question becomes: is the feminine-male a fad or a revolution.. I’m scared to find out

@Hutsell215 – A little harsh, but it had to be said! I encourage resistance on the manicure front… don’t give in. Hoping that this is just a fad, but from the looks of it, if it’s just a trend, it’s going to be in style for a while. Thanks for visiting & commenting!

I go to Bing too and I stumbled across this blog from facebook. I’m a guy and I agree with what you’re saying, sometimes this shit just pisses me off. But, I am guilty of not being in control of certain situations and then try to make up for it by being misogynistic, which isn’t the way either. sometimes it hard to find a balance.

what you’re implying is that you’re okay with the established gender roles which in the first place caused so much hardship on women and men… society is finally letting down some of those boundaries that used to threaten one’s manhood or one’s lady etiquette. would you like to read an article from a man to all women telling us to stop wearing pants? imagine the response from a multitude of women saying they’re insulted by the writer’s lack of respect for women equality.. you should think more clearly about what is actually causing you the frustration.. maybe you’re not looking in the right places, or maybe you have formed your opinions of what a “real man” should be- based off of traditional values that turned out to be completely impractical and unattainable. the truth is, men are allowed to have feminine traits, in fact biologically should have them to a degree. the same goes for women.
unless you are against the rights of women and equality i’d suggest doing some thinking before criticizing the nature of your peers. i’m really curious as to whether you cross your legs every time you sit or aspire to be a woman that marries into a good life instead of establishing one on your own?

@really? – I definitely don’t mean that the established gender roles from hundreds of years ago should come back into play! I am totally for women’s rights and although I’m no feminist (I think their POVs are WAY too extreme), I am a hardworking chick who plans on making it on my own and not relying on any man for the things I need.

However, that said, my article was more intended to remind men that certain gender roles DO still have validity, IMO. Oftentimes, I find myself with guys (whether they be friends or romantic interests) who have taken these “feminine” qualities way too far – to the point where they have forgotten their genetics to a certain degree. We are all wired to want certain things out of a mate by both our culture and genetics. For example, breasts are commonly considered an attractive quality in the Western world, but if you look at psychological studies, this is not the case everywhere, implying that our culture has put such a heavily positive connotation on full breasts that their attractiveness automatically resonates with us. However, there are certain more universal qualities that the opposite sex tends to look for in a mate, whether it be in the United States or Zimbabwe.

What I’m trying to say in this article is that I feel that our culture (the same one that emphasizes full breasts so that women feel compelled to go out and get plastic surgery to look more ‘beautiful,’ which I don’t agree with either) has painted a picture of an attractive man that just isn’t attractive to me and many girls that I know. We have made it acceptable (and not just acceptable, we ‘desire’) for men to be cleanly shaved anywhere and everywhere besides their legs, to come get manicures and pedicures with us as a date or some type of ‘bonding’ experience, to tan to be more attractive, to call their friendships ‘bromances,’ and to brag about their eyebrow waxing experiences. These behaviors are okay to a certain extent, but when they’re all done in excess and at the same time, like any other behavior, it becomes too much of a good thing.

Dude, I was walking with my sister dowtown and I saw a sign that said “Waxing for men and women”. I was surprised!!!! I didn’t know men did those things!!!! To be honest, the only men who should wax or shave their legs are men who are involved in any sport that involves competitive swimming and diving. Everybody else is off limits. Manicures and pedicures……men don’t need that. At least real men don’t. Skinny jeans I’m actually fine with. But I do agree that us men do do lots of gossiping……

As a man that does what he wants when he wants. Fuck off. I generally don’t do any othe things you lament in your article, but if I did I certainly wouldn’t ask for or expect your approval. So if you don’t like then that’s your problem, not mine.