Friday, November 15, 2013

As I was listening to the latest instructor in the long string of dvds I have acquired with the aim of identifying my favorite style of yoga, I breathed dutifully into the movement, relaxing into each posture as he intoned, "Feel the movement balanced all over you body instead of staying in one place." Then he proceeded to tell me to take my foot, wrap it like five times around my head and spin like a top while yelling "toy boat, toy boat" ten times fast. At least that's the way I remember it. Then, to cheer us on, he said, "Remember….long pregnant pause….it's not a contest." I may or may not have been lying in a heap on the floor and laughing at that point, but all I could think was, "What if it was?"

I know it's heresy, but wouldn't it be kind of funny if they made yoga into a competitive sport? Then you could say things like, "After the fourth vinyasa, you're going down!" I thought I had stumbled upon some crazy good new business idea–like "hey you got peanut butter in my chocolate"–until I realized there actually is competitive yoga. So, alas, my dream went up in smoke. I would have transformed the practice with XFL style commentary:

"Sri Shankar Richardson is really ticked off now, he thought he was going to end Sunray Rainbow Whittmore's chances at a win today during the scorpion pose. What's this? Sunray is taunting him now. 'See this crow pose? Yeah, I'm rocking it and you're going to break your nose if you even try. You might as well just go home and cry into your Koshumba, loser.'"

You could bring in the veteran yogi for commentary too, like Shiva Rea:
"Bob, just look at the way he brings the energy of the entire cosmos into his body. He is really going to wipe the yoga mat with his opponent today."
"Shiva what is that printed on the back of his spandex action suit? Does that say 'I H8 He?'"
"Yes Bob that is a clear response to Whittmore's jacket last week that said, "Just Stay in Child's Pose, LUsR."

It would impact all of the arts that have been nurtured by the spirit of the discipline. Krishna Das would start climbing the charts with his new singles, "Suck my mat," and "Namaste, You're Going Down."

Gradually, the trend would trickle down into everyone's practice, translating into a wonderful judgement-laden discipline for us all. At the end of class, while instructors announced the class winners they could offer helpful advice so people could gain a competitive edge; "Pssst, when we say be gentle and ease into it? Yeah, we're just kidding. You've gotta really rock that pose or just go home, " or "Wow, man, looks like you never really found that drishti, Either that, or you have some serious inner ear condition, because I'm surprised you can even walk straight. Why don't you skip class for a couple of weeks, in fact, and practice walking with books on your head like Marcia Brady?"