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Monday, October 25, 2010

The Gods of Halloween are Made of Candy

I’m sure of this fact. 100%. We honour them with gifts of sweets, traded amongst ourselves. We generously give to strange children dressed up as cats, puppies, dinosaurs and Freddy Kruger (if they even know who the hell he is anymore...) Fake blood, or at least the homemade variety, is made from corn syrup, chocolate and other edible sweet bits. Sugar is the currency and it is good.

Does this justify the sticky parking brake and steering wheel in my car?

Yes. Yes it does.

The Toronto Zombie Walk as Saturday. Were you there? No?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN! Many turned out in masks/makeup/blood of all sorts. There was even zombie Santa. YAY! CHRISTMAS IS RUINED TOO! I love you Halloween... Nest year we ruin Easter and Thanksgiving. Zombie Turkey’s Unite!!

It was a lot of fun. Who could ever dislike seeing 6000+ people lumbering along groaning and moaning screaming brains while dripping blood from their lips, hands, (fake) intestines and eyes? It should be more recognized and I’m sad to say there was NO television coverage. 6000+ people wandering the streets and no camera crews in sight?! A Travesty... I told people at work who live in Toronto and have been in the GTA for at least 10 years a pop and not a one knew what I was talking about.

Yes I understand it’s been 8 years and is therefore not ‘new’ and ‘shiny’. But doesn’t that make it COOLER because it’s BLOODIER?!?! For 8 years people have stumbled along Dundas, through Kensington Market meandering their way to Christie and Bloor scaring the locals ( or entertaining when that fails). Hundreds of people line the paths and watch.
This is an event. A culture gathering of Toronto’s many diverse people. It is a a time of sharing, a time of community, a time of BRAINS. People bring their pets, their young kids and yes, I saw a few infants with zombie mommies. Who says the undead are infertile... THEY CAN LOVE TOO! THEY HAVE BABIES!! Hmmm... undeveloped child brains...

Was I a zombie?NO! I eat cookies (Girl guide cookies sold by devilish girlguides who ambushed us in the subway station and successfully played on our weakness and flattered our zombie costumes therefore forcing us to purchase minty cookies which might have made me a little sick on the train over), not brains. At least this year. If I’m still within the country/province limits I’ll be attending next years as decked out as I can manage. Blood, guts, missing limbs if possible! This year I was a survivor, or at least one on my way out. Not a heck of a lot of blood (Camera made that difficult) but it was enough to smudge in my car on the way to the Scarborough Town Centre. The messy jackets and bloody golf club are still in my trunk...

But the point, I’ve not forgotten, is educating the world that Halloween is all about Candy. And Scaring people. Who are hyped up on sugar.
Is this a commercializing of a hundred year old tradition with roots in Samhain and All Saints Day??
Of course!
Does it make it better?!OF COURSE!

I enjoy getting the shit scared out of me. Screamers, Haunted Wonderland, scary houses of mirrors... terrifying clowns of watery revengeful doom...evil battery rotted furgbee’s hiding in my basement walls echoing ‘FEED ME, ME HUNGY!’ It’s all what makes you feel alive right before you realize that maybe those fake zombies aren’t so fake and that alive feeling is the sheer terror or seeing your death stumble towards you at the shocking speed of 3 seconds a step.PLUS CANDY!
The Zombie Walk was a great prep for the next weekend. My favourite Holiday of the year; not just because of candy... but that has a LOT to do with it. I get weak in the knees for Oh Henry bars.

So in honour of the candy Halloween Gods please share candy.

---> Do not give out cans of pop that weigh down your pillow case so you can’t fit more candy in and have to go home earlier because your arms are tired.

---> Do not provide ‘healthy’ alternatives like sugar free gum and crappy apples. I HATE YOU APPLE GIVERS!

---> Give generously to those toddlers who’ve been trained by their parents to think looking cute on Halloween is the way to do it. It’s not. You need to be scary on Halloween. It’s freaking ADORABLE but it makes me want to chase them screaming ‘I EAT BUMBBLEBEES!!!!’ (I’m thinking of those little tiny tots in bumble costumes... adorable edibles)
---> Torture those 14-17 year olds who still trick-or-treat despite being WAY too big and WAY too old. And I mean it, egg them if you can! Put candy wrappers in their pillow case and tell them to get a job.

---> Scold and egg the parents of slutty kids who dress up like Snooki or Paris Hilton (I was going to say Spice Girls but that would have SERIOUSLY dated me. I miss the days when dressing up like a Spice Girl was a slutty as it got...)If you let your child look like a whore they do NOT get candy as a reward. NO CANDY FOR CHILD WHORES! Regular ones get Lollipops. Tootsy Pops if available.
---> Participate in a ‘bout of neighbourly competition by making the BEST Halloween set up on your lawns/driveways and garages and then TP one another in revenge. You’ll feel young again! And then old and crotchety when you’ve seen your own house has been TP’ed. Isn’t it GREAT?!