]]>Sat, 05 Oct 2013 09:24:04 GMThttp://www.jzord.com/blog/ghost-of-halloween-pastMy first memory of Halloween is my parents taking me to the local firehouse in our St. Louis suburb for trick 'r treating. I suppose it was one of those "Don't risk a razor blade in an apple, bring your kids here" type things. And these firemen went all out. What's absolutely burned into my brain is that along with the strobe lights and fog machines they had managed to park a giant black hearse in the middle of the fire station. Inside the hearse was a coffin. An open coffin. And inside that coffin was an immaculate dummy of Dracula. I wish I had a picture of it. Then again, that picture would never live up to the memory in my head.

I have no idea what my costume was that evening, or if I even had one. I couldn't have been more than three or four. I can, however, recall all of my other childhood Halloween costumes, from preschool to grade six. In detail. I was going to rank them, but chronological seems to be the best order.

PreschoolLuke SkywalkerI can't imagine a child of my generation who did not spend at least one Halloween in a Star Wars related costume. I also can't imagine a child of my generation who didn't wear one of those horrid pre-packaged costumes. You know the kind, with the cheap plastic mask and vinyl smock. Most of these costumes didn't bother putting any detail into the smock portion; they just slapped a logo and a picture of the character on the front and called it a day. This Luke costume was different, though. He was in his X-Wing gear, and the smock was bright orange with his chest-box painted on. No gaudy Star Wars graphic, just the pilot gear. When the hell did Darth Vader phone it in and wear a suit with his name and picture on it? Never. That's why the Luke costume was the best. Granted, I was a chubby kid so I probably looked more like Porkins.

KindergartenElliot HunchbackE.T. was my other big obsession as a kid. Predictable, right? So of course I wanted to be Elliot for Halloween. But not just regular, red-hoodie Elliot. I wanted to be Elliot dressed as the Hunchback from the Halloween scene in E.T. I don't know that any movie has ever captured how amazing it is to be a kid at Halloween than E.T. did in about 5 minutes of screen time. As a kid watching that, how could I not want to be a part of it? I decked myself out in a gray hoodie, some face-paint (which I applied myself) and a pillow shoved down the back of my shirt. As far as being The Hunchback, I was no Lon Chaney (or Charles Laughton for that matter), but I was a pretty decent Henry Thomas.

Okay, this one is a doozy...

First Grade DeerYes. A deer. I went to some sort of Jesus school that year and they were very big on having non-scary costumes. Even as a first-grader, this was devastating news. In an effort to adhere to the bright and cheery side of Halloween, my mom talked to my aunt and got my cousin's deer costume from the previous year. This was a female cousin, mind you, but gender really doesn't matter when you're dressed as a furry woodland creature. The costume was one of those full-body suits with my face sticking out where the deer's face would be. I'm pretty sure my nose was painted black, too. It wasn't too far from the bunny costume in A Christmas Story. And I felt every ounce of Ralphie's shame when I had to put that damned thing on. Especially when I was standing next to the cool kid that got to dress as Soundwave from the Transformers.

Second GradeThe Karate KidIt was a nice recovery from the Year of the Deer, I suppose. I wore a standard white karate suit and a hand-painted head band, courtesy of my mom. It was nothing terribly Halloweeny, but it worked. People knew who I was supposed to be and I was in no danger of being shot by hunters. I'm pretty sure I tried to give myself a black eye (with make up, not self-abuse), but I don't think it worked out. Side note: this was the year I was introduced to the concept of getting trick 'r treat money (albeit loose change) instead of candy. At the time I thought this was the greatest idea ever. Now I realize that's just the epitome of Halloween laziness.

Third GradeWerewolfNow we're back on track. I'm not completely sure what possessed me to want to be a werewolf, but there's no doubt my love of Teen Wolf contributed heavily on the decision. There was also my obsession with the episode of Little House on the Prairie where Laura dresses Albert as a werewolf to scare some bullies. The biggest reason, though, was that I fell in love with a werewolf mask at the local drug store. We had just moved and didn't have a ton of money, but my mom still managed to get the mask for me (see... don't judge her on the deer costume; she came through in the end). I kept that thing all the way through high school and wore it many times for many different occasions. Of course it was never as glorious as the first year that I wore it - complete with homemade furry hands, a tattered flannel, and some ripped jeans.

Fourth GradeDraculaVampires had become a very big deal to me by this time. Fright Night and The Lost Boys were HUGE influences. Naturally, I wanted to be a vampire for Halloween. When it came time to start putting the costume together it was clear that I wouldn't quite be able to pull of the biker/gypsy look of and of The Lost Boys (let's be honest, I would have been Marco) and Jerry Dandridge was out, because no one is going to buy a chubby fourth grader a Chris Sarandon. So we went classic with it. Luckily, my hair was (and still is) thick, slicks back well, and makes a nice widow's peak. (Case in point: several times since the age of five I've been told I look like Eddie Munster. I have always taken it as a compliment.) Decked out with a cape, medallion, fangs and copious amounts of fake blood, I was creature of the night. A goddamned shit-sucking vampire.

Fifth GradeJason VoorheesAt some point I had to be Jason, right? There is no better feeling than being named Jason on a Friday the 13th. Except maybe for being named Jason and dressing as Jason for Halloween. I went pretty basic for this one: generic plastic hockey mask, coveralls, a bald cap, and a toy machete. I did trick the mask out a bit, though. I used a marker to put the distinct red accents on the mask and then I used a pair of scissors to slowly carve the axe chop from Part 3 in the top corner. Nowadays you can walk into a CVS and buy a licensed Jason hockey mask. Back in my day, people were so uptight about selling slashers to kids, even while they were really trying to sell slashers to kids. If you wanted a Jason mask in 1988, you had to make it your damn self. Hell, that's most of the fun anyway.

Sixth GradeFreddy KrugerRight around this time, I learned that Freddy's sweater was actually green and red, not black and red. (You can only blame a crappy VHS tape and an even crappier CRT television.) My mom had a red and black striped sweater, though, and I felt that was good enough even though I knew better. And she was nice enough to let me wear it. The rest of the costume was easy. I already had a dirty brown fedora from my years going after the lost Sankara Stones in my backyard as Indiana Jones. Plus I had begged my way into getting a plastic Freddy glove a few years earlier, so that wasn't a problem. The only detail left was the face. I had no desire to just phone it in and get a mask. As a religious reader of Fangoria, I felt that I could adequately do the make-up on my own. This is when I learned how to properly (and improperly) use liquid latex. I applied most of it as a smooth paste, which obviously doesn't do much other than make your skin look dry and shiny. I managed a few good scars and lumps, but most of it just dried clear. It was a bit of a failure until I realized that I could then peel the skin off my face and completely gross out the girls in my sixth grade classroom. God, there's no greater joy than finding new ways to gross out girls when you're 11 years old. Or any age, for that matter. Oh, and I still have that Freddy glove. It hangs right on the wall near where I sit writing this. Yep, there it is.

I've dressed up for Halloween many times since then, but I couldn't necessarily place the years or the exact details of most of those costumes. I was Chucky about 10 years ago and made a nice, cheap head appliance for the hair and the scars. I was the Invisible Man around the same time and went to a party where I knew no one and left without anyone ever knowing me. (The downside is that it's incredibly hard to drink through layers of bandages.) Last year I went as Count Chocula. That was fun, but people seemed confused and just called me Brown Dracula. Technically, Brown Dracula would be Blacula, but how do you explain that to someone dressed as a naughty bumble bee?

]]>Sat, 09 Feb 2013 08:42:18 GMThttp://www.jzord.com/blog/new-websiteWelcome to my new website! I've added a few links to some of my writing, videos, and other asinine things that I do. I'll be updating the content regularly and adding some blog posts here. Make yourself at home, but please remember to put a coaster under your drinks. Check back soon for more!]]>