This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 26 February 2017

1. There was a young man called Eccles, who was known for his rigid humility and mercy: so much so that everyone said that he must be saved.

2. This Eccles wrote a lovely blog, which provided spiritual nourishment to all who read it.

N.B. The above verses do not appear in all versions of the Bible.

3.
Now, the time of Lent was fast approaching, in which men were encouraged to give up wordly things, and to engage in spiritual deeds.

Into the wilderness for Lent.

4. "But what can I give up?" asked Eccles. "Shall it be chocolate? Or the strong drink that rageth? Or shall I stop sitting in my shed of an
evening poking fun at Fr James Martin SJ?"

5. And there came a wise woman to Eccles who said to him, "Why not give up the Pope for Lent?"

6. This would indeed be a great sacrifice. For leading a life that ignored all the deeds of Pope Francis would cause all sorts of deprivation.

No longer shall we read of the Pope's attending Anglican services and genuflecting to Henry VIII.

7. "Where shall I be without a regular 'INSULT FOR THE DAY' arriving in my mailbox?" wondered Eccles.

8. "Can I possibly survive without knowing which Catholic doctrines have been made ambiguous, or without hearing the latest
off-the-cuff pronouncements when the Holy Father rideth in his chariot of the air, that which is known as Pope Force 1?"

9. "Will it not grieve me to know not the latest indignities that have been heaped upon Cardinal Burke, who is fast
becoming a rival to Job as a man of suffering?"

10. "It is true that I shall not miss the answers to the five dubia, for Pope Francis hath constructed a giant thinking machine called Deep Thought which will not report
on this matter for another seven and a half million years."

The priests await Deep Thought's answers to the dubia.

11. "In my Eccsit from papal news, I shall also be obliged to spend forty days and forty nights without hearing aught of Fr Antonio Spadaro,
of Austen Ivereigh, of Cardinals Kasper, Marx, Cupich, Coccopalmiero and the rest. Will I be able to bear it?"

12. "It is true that I cannot totally forget Pope Francis - for he hath asked us all to pray for the people that hate us. Thus everyone who attendeth
Mass is encouraged to pray for the Pope - for nobody's hatred for us is like unto his!"

13 "Still, he is not commonly mentioned elsewhere in the Mass, except perchance
in the homilies of Fr Arthur, in which there is a great scowling and rolling of eyes whenever the catchphrase Amoris Laetitia is uttered."

14. Thus Eccles weighed up the matter in his heart, and decided that passing Lent in a Pope-free manner would be good for his
soul and his blood pressure.

15. He would also have more time for spiritually nourishing reading, such as the words of Michael Coren, he who later decided to eat them.

Still, there are other possibilities.

16. And so it came to pass that the Pope cried in the wilderness and Eccles heard him not.

Friday, 24 February 2017

It's been another good year for Jesuits everywhere, and as usual our old boys have been sending us news of
their achievements worldwide.

Arturo Sosa (Caracas House, Class of 1977) has been appointed Superior General, also known as the Black Pope, although
he admits that he doesn't really like the colour black!

The Blue and White Pope is anxious never to be recognised as a priest!

Arturo has been keeping up the finest Jesuit traditions of poking fun at Christian teaching. He tells us that he doesn't like Doctrine, and that's probably a good thing,
as we recall that he got only 15% on his "New Testament Theology for Footballers" course!

We remember at the time that his excuse was
that Jesus's words were only "relative" and "had to be discerned" according to the conscience of the individual. In those days, this excuse didn't
serve him very well, and Mgr Chávez kept him in detention for 6 months on a bread and water diet. Nowadays we realise that this is the sort
of attitude to Holy Scripture that makes him a fine Jesuit!

Fr Sosa also starred in the crime drama A touch of Frost.

JImmy Martin (Manhattan House, Class of 1999) continues his career in comedy. Last year he told us all about his stage act with Stephen Colbert,
where he tells people that the Holy Spirit is female, and that God could learn a lot from human beings!
That course on "The Laurel and Hardy approach to Bible Study" paid off, Jim!

This year, the LBGTSJ community in which he
performs is very keen on "Trans" rights, and thinks it's a great idea to have men in dresses wandering round the girls' rest rooms!
It seems that
Jimmy has been
very unhappy this year, since his idol Hillary Clinton didn't get a job she had applied for, and he himself seems to have been getting a lot of criticism from
serious Catholics. If we Jesuits were into praying, I'd say we should pray for him - after all, God probably isn't aware of his plight!

Jorge Bergoglio (Buenos Aires House, Class of 1969) continues to hold down an administrative job in Rome, and says he has no plans to retire. He tells us that his favourite Person of the Trinity
is the Holy Spirit - who chose him for his present job because he was obviously the best person to occupy the Chair of St Peter! Also, unlike God and Jesus, nobody actually knows what the
Holy Spirit thinks on any matter, so in best Jesuit tradition we can make up our own answers!

Jorge (R) watches a non-rigid interpretation of Amoris Laetitia

We remember Jorge's time with us with affection, although he was severely punished by Fr Galtieri the day he handed in a blank test paper, saying that he couldn't
give binary answers to abstract questions! Nowadays, of course, this is in the best spirit of Jesuit Confusion! We wish him well in his campaign to drive all
the non-heretics out of Rome!

Thursday, 16 February 2017

Welcome to The Apprentice, with me your host, Pope Francis. As you know,
previous hosts, such as Donald Trump (USA) and Alan Sugar (UK), were considered
to be too charming, meek, mild, and conciliatory, but nobody has ever claimed that of me!

"You're fired!"

So our four contestants are Cardinal Burke, Cardinal Coccopalmerio, Cardinal Napier and Cardinal Schönborn. Your task was to sell the new wonder cleaner Amoris
Laetitia. Trials in Argentina, Malta and Germany suggested that it could remove
all feelings of guilt by converting those nasty lurking sins into something sweet-smelling.
Now, you four contestants, you actually didn't manage to sell the product at all, so what are your explanations?

Burke. I'm afraid I had some reservations about this product, and I even sent you some questions about it. However, you never answered, and so I couldn't find any convincing reasons for people to adopt AL.

Francis. We ask the questions! You're fired! Go to Guam, wherever that may be.

"In order to avoid committing adultery, it is sometimes necessary to commit adultery. But AL will remove the guilt."

Coccopalmerio. Well I wrote an advertising pamphlet for AL, with the slogan. If you can't help having sex, then protect yourself with Amoris Laetitia. This didn't seem to work, and anyway I forgot to turn up for the press conference.

Francis.You're fired, too! Buzz off, you stupidly-named idiot!

Napier. My marketing strategy was to Tweet a blizzard of quotations from AL, in the hope of making people feel good about it. If you're in a loving relationship, then remember that candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker! (AL 1043). In a marriage, two's company, but three's a crowd. However, after a period of discernment, you may discover that three is also company. (AL 6666). Roses are red, violets are blue. The Pope is infallible, unlike you. (AL 9745832).

Francis. A good try, but no good. You're fired too.

"Receive a free balloon with every can of AL!"

Schönbörn. I went for the slogan. Swallow Amoris Laetitia! It's Magisterial! You told me that this would work. But it didn't.

Francis. Remember, that if things are successful, I take the credit, and if they're not, you take the blame!

Well, it seems that YOU'RE ALL FIRED. I'd better start appointing some more cardinals.

Sunday, 12 February 2017

Pope Francis has announced that a new edition of the Bible is to be released,
removing some of the more "rigid" books (e.g. the four gospels)
and adding a few new ones. After all, the Bible was put together
about 1500 years ago. It was reaffirmed by the Council of Trent in 1546, although at the time some
liberals imbued with the "Spirit of Trent" tried to slip in a few extras that took
their fancy. In any case, it isn't modern and up to date!

The New Non-Rigid Bible will have a loose-leaf format so that pages can be added and removed as doctrine develops.

Of course the Protestant denominations have their own versions of the canon: for example, the
Church of England's attendance is usually much
higher on days when the (very salacious) Memoirs of Henry VIII are used for the Gospel reading.

It is expected that Amoris Laetitia will be added as a book of the Non-Rigid Bible as part of the "Very New Testament" - and possibly renamed the Book of Francis - but
since it does not claim to date from 1st Century times, Mgr Antonio Spadaro is cobbling together the less rigid bits of Matthew/Mark/Luke/John into a new
Gospel according to St Eric (the little-known 5th evangelist who left the group before they became famous).
Any claims that "St Eric" is merely a Spadarine sockpuppet will be
angrily disputed.

An artist's impression of St Eric the Evangelist.

St Eric does give an account of some of Christ's teaching, but, as today's Gospel (Matthew 5:17-37) shows, there are "problem" parts
where Christ was either misquoted or - according to Jesuit theology - simply got it wrong.

Do not imagine that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets.

We need to add a few sentences here to explain that, although the Law is still in existence, it is to be superseded by
Mercy, Discernment, and generally feeling At Peace With God. So in practice it is like the law against cycling on
the pavement, and hardly ever obeyed.

If a man calls [his brother] "Renegade" he will answer for it with hell fire..

We need to rewrite this section to give a list of permitted insults, as used by the Holy Father.
So you are allowed to call your brother a "Self-absorbed, Promethean neo-Pelagian" or a "Museum Mummy" or a "Pickled pepper-faced Christian" without feeling bad about it.

Teaching on adultery has always been a bit complicated.

Anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

There's a lot more on this subject that we really can't accept these days. Pope Francis didn't hold two Synods on the
Family, and write a confused exhortation loosely based on what he would have liked them to agree on, just so that we would end up following St Matthew's Gospel!
I think we just have to assume that Christ was misheard at this point, and actually said "No one" rather than "Anyone". Spadaro, fix this please!

All you need say is "Yes" if you mean yes, "No" if you mean no; anything more than this comes from the evil one.

Well, it was all right for Jesus. He didn't have the benefits of a Jesuit upbringing, and was quite used to answering binary
questions without feeling obliged to obfuscate matters. Still, we can get round this one. The passage doesn't say you actually have to answer
a question: so, if some rude people submit "dubia" to you, it is perfectly in order to pretend they never reached you,
even if people plaster posters round your house and print fake newspapers on the subject. Just stick your fingers in your ears and say "La la la, I can't hear you!"

Of course fake newspapers (such as the Washington Post) should really be used for character assassinations of "rigid" cardinals.

This New Non-Rigid Bible still requires a lot of work, but should be in the shops for Christmas. Updates to its Catholic teaching will be provided every time
Pope Francis takes an aeroplane trip.

Thursday, 9 February 2017

Bishop Philip Egan of Portsmouth, generally agreed to be one of the truly
saved English bishops, has raised an interesting question, the title of this post.

The bishop's dilemma.

For Catholics at least, the generally recognised hierarchy is

YOU < PRIEST < BISHOP < POPE < GOD.

"God" here means the Trinity - Father, Son and Holy Spirit, with an optional Spirit of Vatican II joining Them -
and "Pope" here is also a trinity (jolly Frank, grumpy Bergoglio, and the rarely-observed wise Francis). Moreover,
for some people, POPE = GOD.

Now comes the dilemma: for the people of Portsmouth we may fairly say that the Bishop is the chap to obey, more than the
Pope is. For the people of Malta, the bishops are... well, never mind, but nobody in their right mind should listen to them.

Not everyone is satisfied with the Pope.

The poster above shows that even obeying the Pope can be problematical. Our Italian is not good, but it seems to say "You is not saved, only we is saved."
This is of course the recognised way of submitting complaints (Latin, "Dubia") to the Pope.

If thy priest offend thee, then of course thou shouldst stick posters of him
all round the town.

FATHER ARTHUR, YOU ARE A COMPLETE MORON! HANDS OFF THE SOVEREIGN MOTHERS AND TODDLERS GROUP! GET THOSE GUITARS OUT OF MASS!
STOP BORING US WITH HOMILIES ABOUT YOUR HOLIDAY IN BOURNEMOUTH! WHERE IS YOUR MERCY?

Finally, some people will take complaints to the highest level...

GOD, THE WEATHER IS SO LOUSY AND I AM IN A BORING JOB AND NOBODY LIKES ME AND I DON'T LIKE YOUR TEACHING
ON ADULTERY AND THAT MAN BURKE IS DRIVING ME NUTS. WHERE IS YOUR OMNIPOTENCE? LOVE, FRANCIS.

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Austen Ivereigh's
misrepresentation of my Order of Malta Anschluss has allowed his critics a potent new line of attack.
Traditionalists have already mocked him for his ambivalent comments about Castro, his
insistence that Amoris Laetitia should be taken seriously as part of the Magisterium, and his dismissal of everyone who wants clarity in Catholic
teaching as some kind of "dissenter".

"Austen, where are your wits?" the posters that appeared in Rome last weekend sarcastically asked.

"I think I've found a working brain cell!"

Now the real irony here is that Austen Ivereigh in fact possesses one of the finest minds of this era, or indeed of any era. All right, they call him mad, but didn't
they call George III mad? As one Catholic Voices official I spoke to last week put it, "We are here to serve Austen Ivereigh, and not to question
any of his comments. The doctrine of Iverical Infallibility is one of the cornerstones of the Catholic Voices Faith, and we remain loyal to the last."

Don Bergoglio and Anto-Spadza sally forth to attack wind-Müllers.

Actually, I don't know why Austen used a cartoon of Don Quixote to illustrate his article about me - presumably he never read the book - but the quotation he uses
("The dogs are barking, Sancho, it's a sign we're advancing") applies equally to my distinguished biographer. The more jokes people make about his startling
resemblance to Ronnie Corbett, the more they laugh at his articles, the more we see this as a sign that this "knight of the woeful countenance" is
really on the ball.

John Allen Jr attempts to see things the Ivereigh way.

Anyway, I hope I have now made my point in as confusing a way as possible - if I start being too clear they'll throw me out of the Jesuits - so now
I really must get down to a day's work - perhaps taking over another Sovereign Order, perhaps inventing new insults, perhaps
sacking some more people, and perhaps simply
thinking of new ways of not answering those Dubia!

Sunday, 5 February 2017

The people of Rome woke up yesterday to find the walls of their streets plastered with
mysterious notices critical of Pope Francis. This is really most surprising, as
everyone thought that he was doing so well, as a fair and just upholder of clear Catholic teaching,
a humble man of mercy, and a just Duce of the Sovereign Order of Malta (now a Vatican colony).

One of those scurrilous anti-Francis signs.

For those who find ancient Aramaic as clear as the teaching in Amoris Laetitia, we should
explain that the signs say "Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin" which, roughly speaking, means "Dear Holy Father, would it be possible for you to reconsider
one or two of your recent decisions? Thank you so much."

Antonio Spadaro has produced alternative posters showing the Pope in a better light.

Meanwhile, the Italian police are putting their best detectives onto the case of the mysterious signs, and they believe that the "Signor Grande" (Mr Big) may be a
traditionally-minded
Cardinal with Maltese connections, possibly wearing a Cappa Magna and speaking with an American accent. Do not approach this man - he may be dangerous.

Spiritually nourishing educational note: expert theologians tell us that the phrase "Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin" is in fact Biblical and, comes from the story of TimDolan's Feast.

Thursday, 2 February 2017

Well, you'd have thought that the Pope would have chosen a more
subtle password than "misericordia", wouldn't you? But we've managed to hack our
way into his e-mail account, and we can now reveal some of his correspondence via Eccileaks.

From luigi@gammarelli.com

Dear Customer, we are pleased to inform you that the Napoleon costume you ordered is now available, so please make an appointment with us
for a fitting. As you know, we normally sell only clerical vestments, but we were happy to make an exception in your case, Holy Father,
given your take-over of the formerly Sovereign Order of Malta. However, we suggest you only wear the uniform on private occasions.

Pope Francis displays his new vestments.

From boris@foreignoffice.gov.uk

Cripes! Haven't you gone a bit far, old bean, taking over another sovereign state? Blimey, I know you Argies like to play silly whatsits once in a while, but this is a bit thick, what!
If I hadn't got my hands full with Brenda, I mean Brexit, I'd probably have to consult old "wiggy" Trumpers about an airstrike or something. Do be careful, you silly nincom-pope! Pip-pip! Boris.

Pope Francis is given a book - by the author!

From festing@maltese.double-cross.org

You dirty rotten swine! The deal was that I would resign if you did: after all we were
both rulers of independent sovereign states. How long are you going to keep me
under house arrest, with that maniac Kasper making faces through the bars? Matt.

Fra' Matthew Festing is encouraged to resign as Grandmaster of the Knights of Malta.

From spadaro@vatican.com

Frankie, sweetie, I've managed to get hold of three more horses' heads. What do you say to putting them in the beds
of Müller, Burke and Sarah? See you later, Catholic-hater, as we said at Jesuit seminary (in a while, Lutherophile!)

From judy.piranha@naughtynuns.org

Coo-eee, Holy Father!!??!! Don't worry if all the world hates you - I'll never desert you!!??!! The naughty nuns of Norwich are backing you to the hilt!!??!! Kiss kiss!!??!!

Judy Piranha - more catapult than the Pope.

From bigcheese@westminster-cathedral.org

Dear Holy Father, I tried to run the "Communion for everyone!" option
past my fellow-bishops as you requested, but some of them seem to be Catholics - I blame that man Mennini - and so they dug in their heels. Anyway, since you're probably going to be retiring to Dunpopin'
before long, I think I need to maintain healthy relations with whoever comes next. Cormac tells me that the St Gallen Mafia hasn't yet chosen your successor, but
they're not likely to give us a Pope Francis II, more likely a Pius XIII. I can't imagine why - things are going so well, aren't they? Ram Ram (as we ecumenicals say!) Vin.

From mueller@vatican.com

Oops, I seem to have given some sort of answers to the dubia. How are we going to dig ourselves out of this hole? We need to talk.
Gerhard.

List of awards this blog has won

Best blog by an idiotBest blog by someone who is truly savedBlog most read by saved peopleCruellest blog attacking saintly pious peopleMost spiritual blog by a sockpuppetKieran Conry prize for virtue, modesty and humilityPottymouth Times award for the nastiest blog everStupidest pictures ever seen on a blogLeast read blog of 2015 (2nd prize to Bruvver Bosco)Tina Beattie medal for promoting orthodoxy"Utter filth" (Sheds and Shedmen, Croydon)

Bishop of Lancaster's cup for well-placed ad hominem attacks

Eccles has been named as one of the 100 most influential saved people in Notting Hell, by the prestigious Calumny Chapel Parish Newsletter.