Residence Hall quarantine enters third week

Schurz Residence Hall, on the east
side of campus, has been under Code Orange quarantine status for over 15 days. Center
for Disease Control (CDC) investigators and Mizzou Health officials have
recently discovered the pathogen responsible for the outbreak, which at first
was believed to be Scabies.

“I
had heard from a friend who heard from the front desk of Lathrop Hall who heard
from her friend in Jones Hall that Scabies was spreading in Schurz Hall. But
this definitely isn’t”¦oh God, they’re at the door”¦no”¦no”¦” Schurz Hall President
David Runner said via Skype before he unexpectedly logged off.

Scabies,
according to the CDC report (Wikipedia), “”¦is a contagious skin
infection that
occurs among humans and other animals.”

The
300-page CDC report on the ongoing investigation released yesterday has helped
shed light on the exact circumstances surrounding the mysterious quarantine. Only
CDC officials in full HAZMAT suits were allowed to enter the building. No one
has left the building as of press time.

The report
summarizes the unique situation of Schurz Hall from the perspective of Chief
CDC Investigator Lance Shepard: “I have never seen a common outbreak of Scabies
mutate into a full-blown Zombie Virus this fast before.”

Unfortunately
for the students inside, the University of Missouri’s supplies of Zombie
Vaccine fell victim to slashed “Anti-Zombie” budgets this year.

“Zombies
are such a Big 12 problem. We didn’t think we’d need to worry about that
anymore. We were wrong”¦dead wrong,” A spokesperson for the university said.

Information
from inside Schurz Hall has slowly been trickling out from texts and Facebook
statuses to friends of the victims who have gathered to watch outside.

“It can’t
be that bad in there. Some of my friend’s statuses are still goddamn song
lyrics. Can they even see airplanes or
shooting stars? I can understand they could really use a wish right now but
they’ve been under a concrete roof for two weeks,” freshmen Quinn Rojas said.

Casualty
reports have also come to the attention of those outside watching the horror
unfold.

“Apparently
the PA’s (Peer Advisor) were the first to be killed by the infected,” freshmen Sarah Tanner
said, “They gave their lives to protect their residents. This ultimate
sacrifice was in addition to all the times they’ve had to save a kid from
alcohol poisoning or clean vomit off themselves. Plus they provide resources
for a safe and successful first year of college. Maybe I should give mine less
shit all the time,”

Tanner’s
friend and fellow freshmen Danny Hendricks added, “It sounds like one PA
swallowed a live grenade and jumped into the stairwell to prevent a horde of
ten zombies from reaching the students. Maybe I’ll think about that next time I
draw dicks all over the “Alcohol Responsibility’ posters our PA puts up.”

Without
healthcare readily available to all students inside, the CDC has decided the
only reasonable course of action is to demolish the whole building to prevent
the virus from spreading to the outside world.

One PA from
a different residence hall was seen at the scene staring at the building and
mumbling to himself quietly over and over again, “We call them Residence Halls
instead of dorms because a dorm is where you sleep and a Residence Hall is
where you live”¦the irony”¦a Residence Hall”¦is where”¦you live”¦”

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