Woman Is Allergic To Her Husband’s Semen

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A 35-year-old newlywed, Clara (redacted), is reportedly allergic to her husband’s semen. My first question is “Does that actually work?” because if it does, I should have been using this excuse YEARS ago. “Swallow? No thanks, I’m allergic.” “Eek! On my chest? You know, I would but I might break out in hives.” “I mean I’d totally be willing to forego the condy, but it will pretty much render my vagina ineffective for the morning sesh, so we’d better just play it safe, ya dig?” It’s genius, really, if you’re in (a) non-committed relationship(s).

If you’re in it for the long haul, however, like Jeff and Clara, seminal plasma hypersensitivity is slightly less convenient. According to the couple, it was “a real game-changer.” Shocking. The first time Clara and her husband were intimate, she developed a painful, red, swollen rash, lasting over 24 hours. Naturally, her first instinct was that Jeff was actually a cheating scumbag, but after having some tests run, it turns out that she didn’t have an STD, rather an allergy to her husband. I’m not sure that that’s much better. Her disorder is so powerful that Jeff also experienced an allergic reaction to his wife when she was amid an “outbreak.” It’s nothing like what her slutty friend told her sex would be like.

The “gold standard” for treating semen allergies is to isolate the proteins in the man and do skin testing on the woman to determine which are to blame. Then, the woman is desensitized to the allergen.

Great! There’s a cure! Unfortunately, it was a little expensive, so instead of consulting the expert in the field, Dr. Jonathon Bernstein, the couple just didn’t have sex for ten months. TEN. MONTHS. When they finally “couldn’t take it anymore,” they decided to revisit the doctor who then informed them he accepted their insurance. Immediately after the three hour treatment, the couple was instructed to have sex, and reported that “it was pretty much fine.” So, if they’d just decided not to be cheapskates to begin with, their sex lives wouldn’t have suffered for the entirety of their new marriage. Idiots.

Seminal plasma hypersensitivity is more common than one would think, affecting about 40,000 women in the US. Reactions to semen range from hives to abdominal swelling to a local reaction that feels “like a needle sticking into the vagina.” The strangest thing about the disorder, though, is that it may be brought on by one man’s semen, but not another’s, as was the case for Jeff and Clara. Yikes.

I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here, folks: premarital sex is not only permissible, but necessary. As the adage goes, no one wants to buy the cow if it’s going to potentially break your genitals.

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co