Thursday, July 22, 2010

What a difference a day makes. Took a breath and started anew...Mom skills were churning on all 6 cylinders today. However I still needed to spend about 45 minutes at the end of the day watching youtube videos of Ricky Martin singing Vuelve and Te Recuerdo as well as Enrique Iglesias singing on the Today show with some lucky lucky lady from the audience. The kiss he planted on her face at the end of the song made me...well, made me think she was a very lucky girl. That was a long sentence.

I suppose listening to Ricky Martin sing brings me back to high school Spanish class with Senora Steiner and very very cute Scott McCoy on Monday mornings regaling to the class stories of his weekend partying and flashing me his special smile as if to suggest he cared that I was listening. Of course, I listened to every word, cute Mr. McCoy.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

You've heard it a hundred times before, "hardest job in the world!" Some little nugget delivered with a chipper tone and a happy face. It's been a long time since I've wanted to punch someone as badly as I want to tonight. "The toughest job you'll ever do!" Fuck off.

What no one will ever tell you (my dear unwed, un-mother,) is how the "toughest job" will tap your very soul, to the point of emptiness. It will bring you to the edge of your sanity, to the darkest place you never thought existed inside you - you'll have thoughts you wouldn't wish on a stranger.

I love my children, I love my family....but when I've run flat out of resources, when my patience is '86, I become the worst version of myself. I become a person I would take away from my own kids.

The problem here is the 24-7 aspect of this existence. There is no "weekend" there is no clocking out. It just keeps going - morning into afternoon, into evening, into middle-of-the-night utter-fucking-blindness....then, it's morning again.

Is it that my kids are still young? (1, 3, & 5)

Is it that I lament a loss of control over my own life? I'm not exactly sure. Even in the days when I was working full time for horrific bosses (I've had my share) was I more content then with my overall lifestyle? hmmm. I need to think on that one. Maybe it's becasue what I'm doing matters so very very much. I'm trying to build humans here. I fuck this up and it's like sending three dysfunctional beings out into the world to fend for themselves and goodness knows what damage they could end up doing.

Maybe I just take life too seriously, I watch far too much cable news. The human race can feel hopeless when one looks too closely or thinks about too many things at once. I should watch a few sitcoms once and a while. The Daily Show has been on re-airs, without Jon, all is bleak!

My sense of humor is so far away tonight - I don't even remember what it is to say, or do anything funny. I can't remember when was the last time I laughed. A tragic state of epic proportions.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Driving home from town in the driving rain...you know those nights. It's really dark, the wipers are frantically dashing back and forth kicking off the fat rain, everything you can see is a blur of red and white lights, sporadic lakes cause you to think of all that you learned about hydroplaning while in driving school when you were 16...I'm trying to stay focused but my head keeps doing what it has been doing for the past several weeks, maybe even months. My narrative voice starts talking. I practically start talking back, "Ssshhhh! Don't you see that I'm driving in some serious conditions here??" A minute or two pass, and I'm back to thinking about what I'm going to blog about when I get home. "Just get home in one piece please, for heck's sake..." No, that's crap, I never say "heck" I'm just about as salty as one can be. My mouth is so foul I have to work at not swearing around my children just about every day. You know that part during "Inside the Actor's Studio" when host James Lipton reverently asks some terrifically famous person what their favorite swear word is and they think on it a moment or two then deliver their answer with delicious revel? My answer is: I love and abuse THEM ALL. There might be one or two I tend not to frequent, (let's see: shit, piss, crap, fuck, motherfucker, fuck all, fucking cocksucker, shithead, asshole, that's most of them, I'd say cunt rarely rolls off my tongue, but I don't hold it against those who favor it - except Mel Gibson when refering to the mother of his latest child, what a DICK!) but they do help to release daily tensions....

And that brings us back to why we are here; DAILY TENSIONS - yes, that is the cause of this random verbage. I have been a woman on the edge for far to long and this blog is my last ditch effort to save myself from utter mental collapse so let the healing begin....

I certainly thought, butwhere should I start? Of course one of the obvious answers being: It's always best if you start at the beginning, (thank you Glinda, I will never forget your sage advice) however, that is such a long story. At times a very sad one. There will be plenty of time to go over the sad parts later. Right now I'm interested in disclosing some basic current facts.

One, I've never done anything like this before. What I mean is to say, I've never posted my personal thoughts "publically" to "an audience."

Two, I don't expect anyone in the world to give a crap what I have to say.

Three, I know next to nothing about blogging. As in, I don't know of any blogging ettiquete, rules, or norms.

So that basically leaves me wide open for screw ups, accidents, offenses, personal and otherwise, and other general faux pas. Perhaps as my inevitable offenses land here on my blog like hot scrambled eggs on a dirty kitchen floor, I'll quickly pick them up and then figure it out as I go (like Indiana Jones) and with any luck, someone might toss me hint once and a while as tact has never been my strong point.

Anyway, tonight as I write, I find myself a wife, a mother of three, a suburban resident, and other things I never thought I'd actually be, and I'm well, grappling with my reality. Wait, isn't there a Talking Heads tune that says all this? So I need to channel some of this pent up energy and thus, a blog.

I don't expect much, I certainly don't expect my life to change, I just hope. I hope that with a little channeling of this narrative voice in my mind, I'll free up some head space to accomplish a few other goals. Mostly, I just want to be a decent person, a good mother to my kids, fuck knows they deserve it. There isn't a kid born on this god forsaken planet that doesn't at least deserve that.

11:00pm, time to go see if The Daily Show is live tonight. I'll always hold a spot in my heart for you, Jon Stewart.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

the water is on the boil, children need to be fed, and I am on a quest. I am determined to stay on this side of sanity. I would like to find my sense of humor on the way. We shall see what degree of success I may achieve. Stay tuned...