Junk Food Nation, let’s talk about what I, your friendly neighborhood Junk Food Guy, has been watching, and will be watching on TV.

LAST NIGHT: X-Factor. No, no spoilers here. But let me just say that I (nerdily) have been watching X-Factor religiously this season, after having sworn off American Idol, the Voice, etc. for so long now. I had gotten rid of all those previous singing competitions in my life because I was SICK of America getting it wrong – America constantly voted off great singers (Daughtry, for example) and voted RANDOS to win it all (Taylor Hicks? Are ya kiddin’ me? Where’s he now? I’m pretty sure it’s somewhere that rhymes with Schmeniggan’s.)

Anyways, I’ve been riveted by X-Factor because the format allows anyone as young as 12 and no age cap – someone 80 years old could audition if they wanted to. Moreover, the idea that the judges themselves would be competing and mentoring and that the overall top top prize is $5 million dollars? Now THAT’S intriguing, and I’ll be watching…until America inevitably gets it wrong. Grrrr.

TONIGHT: Game 6 of the World Series between the Cardinals and the Rangers. Do I even need to explain why Game 6 is huge? It’s a best-of-seven series. First team to four games wins. This, my friends, is an elimination game. With Texas on the brink of winning, and the Cardinals on the brink of losing, tonight promises to be drama-packed.

Everyone knows what freezer pops are. They’ve been called many things – Ice pops, Otter pops, Freeze pops. But they are those frozen sticks of sugary liquid inside a sleeve of plastic that you freeze and then messily eat on a hot summer day. Little kids like them because they get all over and are refreshing. Adults like them because they are cheap as hell. Win win!

When I saw these at the store recently, I knew I had to dig in, having not eaten a freeze pop in forever. I figured, hey, it’s freezing outside – why not ruin my health inside as well? Le’s do it.

Sour grapes

Warheads Extreme Sour Freeze Pops jumped out at me first. I remember eating Warheads candy when I was like 12 years old. Warheads candy is an extremely sour hard candy that was sour on the outside and then once you hit the center of the candy there was a super sour core. As described on Wiki:

“Warheads derive their strong sour flavor primarily from malic acid which is applied as a coating to the outside of the small, hard candies. The intense sour flavor fades after about 20 to 40 seconds. The hard candy itself contains the somewhat less sour ascorbic acid and citric acid. At the center of the hard candies is a small pocket of more malic acid.”

MMMM MALIC ACID!

XTREME METER!

The frozen version of this super sour candy I was really curious about. I love the “sour meter” on this box. Tart to EXTREME!!!!! Although, usually the colors go the other way, right….shouldn’t Tart be green and then the thermometer boils to a bright red EXTREME!!!! Don’t peoples’ minds work that way? Can we get a focus group on this?

So sour your head will explode

Ah the Warheads logo. Candy so sour your head will nuclear-ly explode, and a name that calls back the days of the Cold War. How timely.

And although the logo looks like a 10-year old drew it, it is a clear representation of how the eater will react – lips twisted and eyes crossed. I like it.

Slide to eat

First of all, pops not labeled for individual sale? BULLSH*T, Warheads!!! If I wanna sell these jimmies for 3 cents a pop, WHO’S GONNA STOP ME?

Also, these directions rival the silliness of Pop Tarts instructions. Freeze, separate, snip top, and slide to eat? …..How else were people consuming these? Shouldn’t “parents passing their knowledge down to their kids” be in play here?

Lightsaber

The frozen Warheads pop looks like the pop you remember from your childhood. Sidenote: The edges of the plastic sleeve are still sharp as hell. I’ve never cut my mouth on it, but I can see some little kid doing it. You need a warning about how sour the pops are, but nothing about the razor sharp cellophane? ? Priorities, Warheads.

Icey blue

Took on bite of the pop and WOW this was sour. REALLY sour. I must say, I REALLY enjoyed this pop! Sour, and this one was blue raspberry – decent fruity flavor (artificial, of course) and very very very high fructose SOUR. Wooooo – my only complaint was the ice consistency. Kinda hard…I sort of had to chew it, and chewing ice is never very pleasant. But all in all, great pop.

Slush Puppie (sp?)

Slush Puppie Slush Bars. For some some reason, I feel like Slush Puppie was some kind of weird toy I had as a child, where you were supposed to insert ice, grind it down, and flavor with these pre-made syrup packets. Am I remembering this right?

…..Nope, I’m not. Just did research and the Snoopy Sno Cone toy was what I was remembering. Good lord. I need to do those memory strengthening games, play some more Sudoku or something.

RASPBERRIES ARE NOT. BLUE.

I do remember Slush Puppies at the movie theater. Where I grew up, there weren’t many 7-11s around, no Rita’s Italina Ice, no nuthin’, so Slush Puppies or ICEEs (same company) at the local movie theater were my first real interaction with retail shaved ice. I am amazed by this picture though. They actually colored the raspberries in the picture a dark BLUE. THESE DO NOT EXIST, WORLD! And don’t try Google searching either – they just produce doctored images.

Heisman pose

The Slush Puppie dog wears a sweater with an S on it for “Slush”…and he is a puppy. This mascot works on so many levels! It’s also ridiculous.

Red....and blue

And the difference between the two flavors is…Red 40 and Blue 1!!!!! Gross.

Glow Sticks

Again, the format of these frozen pops are pretty standard. Let's move onto a close up while I taste both...
...um...
WHAT THE EFF. My closeup photo has disappeared. <shaking fist> I'll get you for those, WordPress! Or server! Or whoever screwed this up!!!
Anyways, I "snipped the tops" of both and tasted. Surprisingly good! The cherry and blue raspberry flavor was TOTALLY artificial, just loaded with high fructose corn syrup - but the taste was exactly what you'd taste from a 7-11 Slurpee. Just good ole fake cherry taste and good ole fake blue raspberry taste. Which, if you're eating these pops, is what you're expecting anyways.
But the best part about these pops were the consistency. They did something different than the Warheads company, because the ice was...slushy! It never completely froze into a ice stick. When I snipped the top and pushed the frozen concoction into my mouth, it came apart just like a slushy would. I LOVED THEM. Would definitely eat these again, simply to experience the magic of the slush once more!