For Kai.

I thought being a dog owner was easy—you feed it, give baths, and play with it. Boy was I wrong. On the 3rd of January this year, Kmack gave me the most adorable pup—Kai. She was a 2 ½ month old half Rottweiler and half Labrador pup which resembles like a tiny panda. And that’s what I always loved about her.

There is a mall near home where the puppy sellers were always staying at when 5:00 PM hits. I would always adore the puppies that were in the cages. I’ve always wanted to buy one even though they weren’t purebred just cos they were cute. Which is why I was beyond thrilled when Kmack bought me one. Upon buying her, I clearly didn’t think how tough it might be for me taking in a puppy in our cramped up apartment.

When I reached home, my mom was neither thrilled nor disagreeing with the fact that I brought home my first puppy. Despite the negative things she says, she still insisted on buying Kai food and toys. The difficult reality only hit me when Kai wouldn’t stop from crying.

I stayed up all night trying to get her to calm down. She kept pooping and peeing all over the place. She would cry and I would put her into bed and wait for her to fall asleep again. Just when I would fall into slumber, I would be awakened by her cries and would stop as soon as I walk out of my bedroom door. She always left her makeshift bed and would walk around in the dark. I guess that’s what frightened her.

The next morning when I wake up to get ready for school, Kai was surprisingly sleeping soundly. It was the longest and most peaceful sleep she’s ever had ever since I got her. I remember watching her sleep for several minutes and no matter how much I try to wake her up, like a child refusing to wake up for school, she gives off complaining-like noises to me. In that moment, I fell in love with my pup even more.

But even so, we knew this setting wouldn’t work for us. I spent most of my day at school and no one is capable of taking care of her—my mom is allergic which is why Kai can’t stay long enough in the apartment; my grandma and grandpa are already busy with my two toddler cousins to manage Kai. And that’s when we agreed to send Kai at my dad’s home at Magalang.

Upon going home during the weekend, I was so happy to see Kai run along the garden freely for the first time. I never heard her cry since then. We would always play with her for days and she’d always fall asleep afterwards. But due to my schedule at school, I wasn’t able to go home more often and I saw her less until she grew up.

We bought her leash and tied her at the back of our house. There, she spends her time with the chickens and other dogs her age that were able to go in during the day. But even so, I never played with her again. My mom and dad always told me to be cautious around Kai as she was part Rottweiler and believed that she was aggressive. They wouldn’t let me go near her nor let me bathe her. I was so caught up by the boundaries I was given to care for her. Months passed and I rarely see her until this month.

I have been trying to work on being a better owner to her this month. Of course, she knows my dad better as he is the one who takes care of her. But this morning, my brother came rushing to me to tell me that something was wrong with Kai. Kai’s muzzle was bloated and her neck’s skin seemed saggy and inflated too. Kai heard me approach her and she looked at me with sad eyes. I never saw her that sad. It’s as if she was pleading for help. I didn’t have the strength to hold back my tears. I approached her, talked to her, and she was hesitant at first. But after a minute, she finally approached me.

I pet her on the head despite my dad’s warnings that she might be contagious. We loosened her leash around her neck and removed the ticks that were accumulated around her ears. Despite our efforts to make her feel better, she still didn’t have much appetite to eat and it affected me too. I couldn’t eat properly for days thinking how tough it must have been for Kai all these months.

For five months, she has spent all her time alone at the back of our house with the company of chickens passing by. But still, she was all alone. And now, I couldn’t help but be mad at myself and feel guilty for being the one at fault here. I didn’t give Kai the comfort she deserved. I wasn’t good enough as an owner. I can’t help but wonder that what if we hadn’t bought her that night, would she be with a much better and loving owner right now? Would she be free of all illness that she might have?

We have a vet scheduled to see her here at home tomorrow and I really hope that she would be able to ease Kai’s pain. And from this day forward, I swear to be a better owner—a better mother for Kai. If I could only take away her pain, I would’ve done it in a snap. But all I could do is pray for her recovery and be a better person for Kai.

UPDATE:

June 4, 2017

Sometime around 8 o’clock in the morning.

The vet went into our house to check on Kai. Her condition was nowhere good as she had Parvovirus and already pooped blood. According to the vet, her breathing was already labored and she only had a 50-50 chance of survival.

Around 11:00 in the morning.

Kmack and I have been force-drinking Kai. We have prepared her a glass of water mixed with dextrose powder as she was extremely dehydrated. With a syringe (without the needle), Kmack and I let Kai finish the glass of water and we saw Kai feel a bit relieved from her pain. After drinking, she unsuccessfully tried to go back to her little corner but she was too weak to do so. She stumbled and her feet where wobbly as she was extremely weak at this point.

4:03 PM

Just as soon as the vet arrives for her needed medications, Kai was seen lifeless on her little corner.