The first thing that comes to my mind and why I choose celibacy (to obtain from sexual activity until marriage) was the phrase I heard so often, “You need a man...”

Maybe it’s the single mom perception that makes them say this.

So let me speak to the woman in you.

I can't count how many times I have taking those words to heart. I had a family member say it and close friends. I always process things to see what triggers me.

I sometimes see so many women like me who are on this journey of a single parent and take any man just to fill those areas in their lives that they lack. That was the very reason I too became intimate with a man. It makes us feel as if we are not doing enough and so when a man comes with that one thing that we have been wanting or needing. We immediately let them into our lives and give up something of value.

We need money so we find a man with money to provide, but it comes with him controlling you.

We are getting tired of carrying this load on our own, so we find a man who helps but is abusive.

We are getting lonely so we find a man to fulfill those late night desires and that is all he does with no commitment. He becomes another child you end up taking care of.

As I noticed myself falling for these same things, I would ask myself but at what cost?

I know God designed a man to be apart of a household. He did not however design me to think that my body was for rent while a man tries to figure out if he wants to be a man. I found strength in God to stop falling for the “counterfeits” as my mentor says. That also means I had to do something different, opposite of what I would normally do. I choose to be celibate.

Now I ain’t saying this flesh don’t get weak or the presentation don’t look good enough to buy. Yet, I am willing to sacrifice for something more. The same way a woman is willing to sacrifice certain foods to get her body right. It doesn’t mean we don’t’want it or we don’t deal with the temptation of it. It does how ever make us remember why it is important to us.

So I let God overflow in those areas where I weak, so I know what his best feels like. When a man contradicts that, I know.

It is in the moment that I have to tell myself, Audrey you been waiting for the best, imperfect, God fearing man, don’t you dare stop now.

My celibacy is not to say that a man will never fail me. It’s for me and for the times I was intimate with the wrong person because I too thought I needed a man for the wrong reasons.