My Marathon Body

When I got sober, especially within the first year, people emphasized that I should focus on my primary problem–alcohol. A lot of people want to quit smoking when they quit drinking. Many others figure they might clean up their diet while they are at it and get healthier. All of this is fine, as long as it doesn’t compromise our success in tackling our primary objective: staying sober. And for many, it can. I remember when I was really struggling in the beginning my sponsor actually encouraged me to keep smoking and to “eat the damn ice cream”. I only had to slay the shark closest to the boat if I wanted to keep on paddling.

I am fortunate that for several years now, the compulsion to drink has been lifted from me. Alcohol is not something I think about all the time, it’s not a struggle to stay sober day to day. There’s a certain amount of work that I do to keep things this way, and I’ve accepted the fact that I will have to continue to do this work the rest of my life if I want to be at peace with my relationship with alcohol.

All that said, slaying the shark closest to the boat stopped being “enough” a long time ago. It was fine for early sobriety, but now I’ve paddled out further. I want more from life and I’ve found that I encounter more demons that need conquering as I wade into deeper and more wondrous waters. It’s no longer enough to just not drink–now I want to be happy, and be in love, and have good relationships with my family and friends, and set physical and professional goals and meet them. Survival mode was essential in the beginning–but it’s not the lifestyle I can or want to sustain. I want to have peace. I want to flourish.

I know that I’ve told you guys before that I am actually really grateful that one of my vices is alcohol. There is a solution for the disease I have that has worked for hundreds of thousands of people all around the world, and it has worked for me as well. One of the things I appreciate most about the 12-step model is that while there is an understanding that the process of recovery is never-ending, there is hope, and a strong belief that life can get better and better if we continue our personal growth.

I was thinking about this getting “better and better” idea when I was listening to a segment on NPR last week that featured a conversation between two women who were both battling eating disorders, but were at different stages of their fight; one had just left treatment and the other had been in recovery for seven years. At the end of their dialogue, the younger girl asked the older one if the voices in her head would ever go away. She wanted to know if eating, her relationship with food and exercise, and just life in general, was always going to be this hard. I felt like I could hear the older girl’s gentle smile through the radio waves. She told her counterpart that things would get better, a lot better, but that unfortunately, a little bit of that voice would always be there. She gave her the tiger analogy which is one of my favorites. She told the girl she had two cats inside of her, and that right now, her eating disorder was a ravenous tiger, and her recovery was a smaller, weaker cat. Then she asked her the question that my sponsor asked me in the beginning of my sobriety: Which one are you going to feed? Both cats might always be there, but you get to make the decision about which one of them eats and thrives inside of you, and which one you let wither away.

I found myself nodding my head in agreement with everything the veteran in recovery was saying. I also started thinking long and hard about the idea that my eating disorder would always be with me to some degree. It was something that had actually been on my mind a lot lately after having just recently completed the process of training for and finishing my first marathon. When I look back at the photos from that day (which was just two weeks ago now), I feel an enormous amount of pride and happiness; running 26.2 miles was something I had wanted to achieve for a very long time and my friends and family made it a weekend I will never forget. What stings me a bit though is that there is something else I feel when I look back at the photos of myself from that day: I think I look out of shape, and even a bit chubby.

I achieved this tremendous goal–this dream that I had carried around in me for seventeen years. And when I look at the evidence of me realizing that dream, a sliver of my happiness is dampened by my body dysmorphia–this obsession I have with never being thin enough. That fucking blows.

Participating in the behaviors of my eating disorder literally never crosses my mind anymore. Purging or starving myself is not an option; no matter how I look on the outside, I’m not willing to ever go back to the misery of that life. I’m also considerably less obsessive than I used to be. I’ve let go of the idea of being a certain size or weight and I’ve spent years building a relationship with my body that centers around love, appreciation, and trust. I also LOVE food. As someone in recovery from an eating disorder, that’s something I’m most proud of. Food is truly one of the great joys of my life and learning about different people and different cultures through food and sincerely enjoying eating is something I hold dearly.

All that said, I’m still nodding in agreement to the girl on the radio saying this shit never totally goes away. A little over a week ago, I told my husband how sad these thoughts were to me. I told him what went through my mind when looking at the marathon photos and how bummed out it made me. I wondered if the size of my body would always be my achilles heel. I thought, no matter what I achieve, or how badass and confident I get, will there always be this little part of me that feels weak, vulnerable, and unable to grasp a clear sense of my physical self?

I’ve got hard evidence from years of data that tells me that despite what I sometimes think, my actual weight or size has little to no correlation to my happiness. I’ve had enough thin and miserable time in my life to know that being smaller will only temporarily fill that hole that keeps me feeling insecure and incomplete. Training for the marathon definitely dredged up a lot of old thoughts and ideas that up until now, I never realized I hadn’t let go of. I knew getting into the shape I needed to run 26.2 miles meant I would get really strong aerobically, but I think I also always thought it meant I would get really thin. Interestingly, in the past year of extending myself endurance-wise, and really falling in love with the long distances, I’ve found that more running does not equal thinner for me. There was a time about 18 months ago when I felt strong and healthy and radiant–I felt like I was living in my “best” body. At that time, I never ran more than 10-12 miles a week, I was heavily focused on strength training, and I was super consistent in my yoga practice. Now, just a few weeks off from running 40 miles in a week, I feel softer and even out of shape. Factually, I know this is not true. I am not out of shape. In fact my aerobic endurance is through the roof and it’s been excruciating to hold back and give my knees and hips the rest they need. Still, it has been educational to learn about how my body reacts to different types and amounts of exercise, and it’s been invaluable for me to to start to really understand it’s true form and the conditions under which that form thrives.

A little over a week ago I felt sad and even embarrassed about what I started to call my achilles heel. I rhetorically asked my husband, “Fuck, what if I can never see my body clearly? What if weight issues are always going to be my kryptonite?” Ten days or so later, I am here to report that this sadness and defeatist attitude has mutated into anger and motivation. I’m not willing to let this be the stone in my shoe for the rest of my life. Fuck that. I’m not satisfied. I want more. I see other bodies all around me every day that are small and large and everything in between, and I think they are beautiful. I am declaring now that it’s part of my life’s mission to be able to view myself just as clearly.

I get the idea that these voices are always there and can be heard at some level–that things can get better but never totally go away. But I’m starting to feel like this idea is more prevalent in eating disorders than other mental and behavioral illnesses. Even if you’ve never engaged in disordered eating, you’ve undoubtedly thought about your body image. I think about the fact that I am an alcoholic everyday, but I do not think about alcohol everyday. In other words, I very rarely have the actual desire to drink, and there’s very little I see out in the world that tells me that my life would be improved if I could take a drink. Alcohol is not something I have to confront every day; physically, I, and everyone else, can live without it. Food however, is a part of daily life. As are reminders of what our society has deemed an “ideal” body. For so long I wanted to think that I was immune to these images, that surely I must be so intellectually sound and strong that the glossy pages in the grocery aisle and the sex scene in my latest Netflix obsession could have little effect on me. Now, with all the work that I have done to move past my fixation with all my imperfections, I’m convinced that like it or not, societal forces have penetrated my armor, that I too have been conditioned to see my body as bigger and softer, because it is in comparison to the advertised ideal. I know now that I want to begin to reject this ideal with more fervor than ever before. I want to feed my recovery feline till it’s a fat but insatiable beast. And I want to starve my eating disordered voice so that it withers away into dust, to provide it the same nothingness that it has offered me these past twenty years.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve come up with some magical solution to all of this, that I might enlighten you all and lead you on the way to a positive and realistic body image. But I’m not there yet myself. I think all I can do is share my experience and be honest about each step of my journey. It looks a lot more badass to put up photos of my marathon body and pretend that the enormity of that achievement covers all the flaws I believe are there. But it doesn’t. Instead, I must with some shame admit that those perceived flaws were able to diminish some of the pride in my achievement. That may happen again. But today, more than ever, I know that I don’t want it to, and that I am willing to do the work and fight to see that it doesn’t.

The 12 step process has worked everywhere else in my life, I don’t see why I shouldn’t try to apply it here. I’d say I’ve taken my first step already by admitting all of this to you guys. I’m a strong, happy, and confident woman–but I have been powerless over my body image for too many years. Powerless. Somehow that word can be so freeing. It releases me from all the “shoulds” of life and allows me to have acceptance over where I am; it creates hope for a new path forward. I no longer accept the old path–the patriarchal and societal construct developed to keep all women in a lesser, more subjugated position. Men may have created this construct but we women have held it up. Every time we nip and tuck and shell out the big bucks for eye creams and hair dye, we reiterate to ourselves and the rest of the world that gaining weight or getting wrinkles or going gray makes us less beautiful, not as desirable, and not as valuable. This is a lie. The truth is, as we age, we can gain more wisdom and more compassion and even more vitality–life gives us life. We have even more to offer the world than our youthful good looks. If we live out loud and unafraid and in our truth–and outside of this societal construct, we can expand the face of beauty so that every person can see themselves clearly, and recognize the depth of what their magnificence and strength can bring to the world.

63 thoughts on “My Marathon Body”

I heard the same story on NPR and I was so struck by the more “tenured” woman’s honest answer. The person I was riding with responded to her answer with “oh, that’s sad”, but I heard incredible power and hope in the truth of her answer.

It’s so interesting how you and your driving companion heard the women’s answer so differently. I think that is the key to recovery, is being able to see that hope. I think having been in recovery for long enough for more than one thing, I have the audacity now to hope for even more. I am grateful for it though, and hope i can share it with others.
thanks so much for reading Kathleen. I am so happy to have you here. Really thoughtful comments. x

I thought this article was lovely. But I have to say – Beauty is not a destination that everyone should try to achieve, is trying to achieve or has achieved. Beauty is beauty in its evolving form, whether the beholder even gives his or her eyes to it at all. Everything, everyone is beautiful as long as a beautiful person is able to appreciate it, him or her.

You’ve definitely got it right Jezzin. I could not have put it better—“beauty is not a destination”. You’ve given me a lot more to think about. I’m really so thrilled to have you here and to have your thoughtful comments. Thank you!

A powerful piece, this. Struggling with body image is something I’ve done ever since I can remember. I have always thought I was fat. And now, at 61, when I am (at least by all the charts) actually almost obese, I look back at pictures of me from years ago, when I thought I was fat and realize I was just fine. Now I have to decide if I am just fine the way I am, or work to take off that 30 pounds to get back to normal on those charts. Don’t know.

Hey Dawn. That was a big wake up call for me many years ago, when I looked back at pictures of myself when I was a teenager and realized I was crazy thin. I realized what a waste it all was, all the anxiety and the obsession. That’s part of my data for knowing I’m not actually any happier when I’m thinner.
I haven’t dieted in years because I just abhor the whole mental space it puts me in. I can only eat in a way I can maintain on a regular basis.
I’ve never followed those charts either. I’ve got big bones, I always weigh more than those charts say you are supposed to!

Another big and important post from you Cat. So many valuable awarenesses.

I totally get it on the photos. And how disappointing it is to be attached to our appearance. And yet, living in the society in which we live, its pretty hard to have not taken in a pretty big dose of it.

One thing I have found helpful for myself is to check in truly with how I feel in my body–strong, functional, able to do what I want it to do (mostly–I’m never going to be fast or under 60 again)? Then the wrapping paper matters less than I think it does.

Another thing I’ve come to realize over the years is that we do get to revisit our core issues from time to time. Not in exactly the same way, but in a how is it now review as we go spiraling through life. Its easy there to feel like failure (and believe me, I’ve felt it!) and as I often remind my clients (sooo much easier when its someone else’s stuff) How else will we find out that there’s more work to do unless our symptoms arise to let us know?

Cheers to you and your amazing courage and willingness to be present! x

It always takes me a bit longer to respond to your comments Steph because you always give me a little bit more to think about 😉. I feel like you put so simply what I laid out in a more complicated manner throughout the piece: it can be disappointing to be attached to our appearance.
I honestly think so much could be written on just this alone. I am constantly trying to figure out the right balance between not caring, but also taking pride in my appearance. It’s not easy.

Your last sentence in your third paragraph is so key to me, it’s something my sponsor and I remember/bring up ALL the time (I can’t believe I’ve been calling/discussing things with the same woman for over 9 years, pretty crazy). Whenever more symptoms pop up we always know there’s more work to be done. We kind of always know that there is more work to be done but the symptoms usually manifest themselves in a way that’s painful enough that we are willing to do whatever work it takes to make them stop. Definitely feels like that is where I am at here.

I admire how you talk about age Steph. It’s a real goal of mine as I age to accept and appreciate each number and each stage. A lot of people around me seem to look at age as a sentence, some of them are depressed about it already and they are only my age! So crazy. Sometimes I yell at them and say, “wake up, you’re missing it! We’re young!!” Lol.
Happy Thanksgiving Steph 😘

What an amazing job you’ve done of self analyzing! I’m sure it will only serve to power you forward as you feed the “right” tiger. I feel that all athletes struggle with body image to some extent and I’m sure having an eating disorder only compounds those thoughts. I did a DailyBurn workout last Fri. and the end portion was core and it hurt so much and my stomach didn’t feel as firm as it used to (I had backed off a lot of cross training when I amped up my miles for my half marathon) and it frustrated me like how can I be running such fast strong miles and feel so weak during a core workout? My husband has struggles too wondering why his stomach isn’t firmer given all the workouts he does and how healthy he eats. I think while we may all be comfortable in our bodies and overall have a positive outlook we all battle our own inner criticisms; it’s as if the more in touch we become with our bodies from working out the more we are apt to scrutinize as well. I’m glad you’ve learned to appreciate food; I’m sure that is a very big challenge when facing an eating disorder. I struggle with the concept of why as humans we have to eat so often to sustain our energy. I hate cooking and there are a lot of days where I honestly hate eating as well. When my stomach grumbles it frustrates me at times. As a runner though I know we need the fuel! Keep up the awesome writing!

Thanks TN! I love eating but I know what you mean in saying sometimes it can feel like a chore. I think I felt like that more in training than any other time. I was always so tired, I never felt like cooking, but I was pretty constantly hungry. Eating during training became a bit like a job!
Interesting you mention your hubs, mine is the same. Body image and expectations are def not only a women’s issue—although I usually feel like men have a lot more leeway in society with their weight/looks.
Thanks for chiming in here lady!

Oh my gosh: “I’ve got hard evidence from years of data that tells me that despite what I sometimes think, my actual weight or size has little to no correlation to my happiness.” THIS!!!

So so so so true and something I’ve lamented from time to time on my own blog – how can I have lost literally half of my body weight and still be unhappy at time? How did that not fix everything in my life?! How do I see still flaws and still have so many areas I need to work on improving? It’s maddening!

I, too, wish I had some magical answer and some way to go about changing my body image and my perception of myself. The only thing that has truly worked for me is to:

1. Give myself a lot of grace and acknowledge every single day how amazing some part of my body/life/ability is.
2. Reading and re-reading lots of books on this topic including, to me, the most important one: Women, Food, and God (which is less about any kind of religion and more about forgiving yourself).

Sounds like you have done and are doing quite a bit of work on this stuff already Michelle. So glad for your perspective.
That book sounds interesting, maybe I will check it out. I am opposed to religion for myself but I’m definitely not opposed to God 😉. I haven’t thought that much about forgiving myself, kind of curious about what that is about.
Thanks for this lady. Not Happy you’ve suffered in the same way but grateful to have women that I can relate to!

You echo the exact thoughts I find myself thinking when looking through photos from the Cloudsplitter (tangent – why do we do this!?). I try hard to shift my fixation on my thighs’ capabilities versus their presentation… but there are days that negative voice is stronger than the others. In your post lies the motivation to extinguish it – perhaps we can try together! ❤

You win for my favorite comment of the day girl.
You’re the only one so far that’s offered to JOIN ME. I LOVE it. I just really think we can do better. And I think it ties into all the crap that’s coming out now—men being confronted for their bullshit behavior and women getting brave and standing up. I want to tear the system down!! It’s kept me unhappy and uncertain about myself for long enough.
Glad to have you with me 💪🏽😘.

I hear you!!!
I struggled with this after my marathon too (and still am) I ate a low carb, high protein diet and strength trained with a little running before marathon training. Upping carbs and storing energy for those LONG runs changed my body so much, i lost muscle definition that I worked so hard for, I lost some upper body strength and I do look a lot chunkier. I HATE my photo from finishing the marathon because all I can see are massive thighs! I just try to keep telling myself that body might not look perfect but it got me to the finish line and I worked hard for the abs so I can do it again!! I don’t think body issues ever really go away you just have to remind yourself what your body can DO is much more important than how it LOOKS 🙂 xo

I def agree girl and you’ve echoed what so many badass women are commenting here—it’s about what our bodies can do, not what they look like.
I think I’m selfish though—I want it all. I work so hard, whether I’m training for a marathon or not, I eat well and work out hard. Even if my body is not perfect, I want to be able to look in the mirror and truly see the beauty in that work. Some days I do. Others I think, “why are my thighs so big!?” You’re right, body issues might never go away. But idk, I’m not satisfied with where I’m at anymore. I feel like society has told me that since I’m not a stick, my body image can only be so good. I’m tired of that. Exhausted actually. I want better. We’ll see 😉.

I’m reading this way too early in the morning, so I don’t have the right words, but holy shit lady, YES.

Also, I realized I never congratulated you on the marathon! I read every word of every blog and tracked you on race day alongside my irl friends (and you beat several of them…not that I’m encouraging your competitiveness…hehe, jk yes I am!) Anyway, you rock and as someone nearing just two months of hopefully no alcohol ever again and a runner, I REALLY thank you for touching on this.

Hilary!! Omg I love all of this. Thank you so much for the congrats and for following along—I feel honored that you were tracking me. (And it made me feel good when you said I beat some of your friends 🙊💪🏽 😉).
So glad you were able to connect with this piece. Sober runners are my fav, we’re a great lot. Hope all is going well 😘.
I

Well, I totally got that, no surprises there. When I started to get sober my badass American sponsor said the same…” keep smoking your brains out, eat what you want and don’t make any major desicion regarding relationships. So a few years in, I stopped smoking after many, many attempts. Started running and bing just as I started to feel good about myself up popped my ED. Now, it never went away but when I was training I knew I had to eat. But my head told me the exact same thing you spoke about. I thought “Am. I ever going to be free of this self hatred?” It’s exhausting and it’s really not fair… I was at a meeting last night and everyone seemed to be saying how they lost the compulsion to drink when they walked into the rooms. I haven’t and that’s the truth. For the 3 weeks I have wanted a drink but not wanted to drink. Just wanted to shut down the voices . Thank you lovely Cat for your amazing honesty…I’ve agreed to do a chair this week so that should keep me honest ADAAT S xx

Definitely a day at a time girl. I hear you on wanting to shut down those voices—sometimes I think those voices are a big part of why I drank. They got so loud, just wanted to quiet them, even if only for a few hours. Problem is with the way I drink, they come roaring back louder and with new torturous friends!
I hope you do get to that place where the compulsion is lifted. No way I had it just walking into the rooms right away but it’s definitely happened. I read a lot of blogs from people early in figuring life will just be a bit of a nail biter for the rest of it and I always try to tell them that it doesn’t have to be that way.
PS—wasn’t quitting smoking the fucking worst?

I really hope this isn’t in any way triggering, but I just want to share that I and my training buddy both stored more fat in our bodies, giving that softer shape, during marathon training. I’ve done it twice now and interestingly, it started to ping back during the later stages of the training this time. I put it down to our bodies going, “What the hey? What are you doing? Are we going back to our Stone Age selves and preparing for some epic migration here? Oops, better store us some fat!” I wasn’t upset about it this time (I have a pretty robust body image although many other struggles) but I was last time. I reframed it for myself last time and my buddy this time as being so cool that our bodies were trying to protect us from some threat and make sure we survived. That’s cool, right? And then adapting. Also marathon training as I did it didn’t include so much interval work and that’s what brings me to a harder edge physically, along with strength training.

Those softer bodies got us all round effing MARATHONS, though!

Also race photos are pretty well always “challenging!. One of my friends took an angle where I literally look like I have underwear OVER my running leggings. That’s Visible Panty Line taken to a whole new level. Also, I photographed a 10k race a while ago and I know my running friends well and even the most lithe runner with the best form looks bloody awful if you catch them at the wrong place in their stride.

You rule, by the way. Just so you know. Hopefully you know that anyway.

Liz this isn’t triggering at all—not much that triggers anymore, I’m never going back to that life. What you’re saying is actually really helpful, I’m glad to hear that someone else has had a similar experience. I’m thinking maybe it’s hard to tell from the way I wrote this but I actually think my weight gain or “softness”during training is interesting. Alright, I wasn’t thrilled about it, but I think the body is a fascinating thing and it’s been amazing to witness how mine has adapted to different things I have put I through. I love my body, it’s incredible. I admire it—it’s resilience is something I look up to!!
Had a nice little laugh about your visible panty line. Thanks for that 😍. And you’re right, these bodies are getting us around pretty marathons and life, they are quite something! You rule too 😘.

So many interesting pieces to this article and I thoroughly enjoyed it! I’ve only been reading your blog since I started my own, so I had no clue you had/are battling alcoholism as well. For that you deserve another huge congratulations for your marathon finish and I wish you good luck on your next journey to overcome your self-image issues. Everyone’s bodies are different, and all that matters is that you are improving your HEALTH not your look. One friend of mine always says something to this effect: Better every day, not perfection.
Keep on battling!

Thanks so much S! I think all of us have our battles for sure, they just manifest in different ways, right? You are so right, progress, not perfection. I actually never realized till I got sober how much perfectionism was a problem for me–I always thought, “but i’m SO far from perfect, I couldn’t possibly be a perfectionist!”. Ha. Yeah. Learning all the time :).
Thanks so much for your kind words, always happy to hear from you!

My favorite attribute about you is your honesty about the hard stuff. More then that I love your understanding of “to live out loud”. None of us is immune to challenges, but I love that you really do, get it. Refreshing, comforting post .

I definitely have a difficult time seeing my body clearly. I blame it on the fact that I still carry the image of my teenage self in my head. Every once in a while I’ll get a flash of what I actually look like and hope that flash will occur more and more often. Right now I’m just trying to concentrate on what my body has proven it can do!

I hung on to teenage jeans for a LONG time–I was finally like, “ok, this is never gonna happen again, gotta let these go!”
A huge part of my focus for a long time has been to concentrate on what my body can DO as opposed to what it looks like–I think that is why these thoughts coming up after the marathon felt so disappointing–it was the ultimate physical achievement for me!!
Each day is an opportunity to grow and get better though, thankful and open to the whole process.

“If we live out loud and unafraid and in our truth–and outside of this societal construct, we can expand the face of beauty so that every person can see themselves clearly, and recognize the depth of what their magnificence and strength can bring to the world.” That is such an amazingly powerful and beautiful statement. Thank you for sharing.

Bless you, Cat, for sharing what’s in your soul so openly and honestly. I needed this today. While not diagnosed with an eating disorder, I’ve always struggled with weight and had bad body image. I’m engaged in an online weight loss program which is slow but steady, and we have to write about our feelings . I may use some of your ideas.

Christine, I’m so insanely glad that this was helpful for you to read. I definitely meant this for all women, and all people who struggle with body image (cause I think that’s pretty much everyone!), not just people with eating disorders. Hope that comes through.
I hope your online program goes well for you. Sounds like a positive step that you are having to write about your feelings. Sometimes I think that’s one of the big missing components in a lot of things we try to do, figuring out our feelings. Good luck, take care, and have a wonderful holiday! x

I’m so sorry that your marathon experience was even slightly diminished by those thoughts – brains really do suck sometimes. While I’ve never experienced disordered eating, I’ve certainly spent many years not liking my body and, despite being in a much, much happier place, can still find those thoughts creeping in occasionally. In those moments, I try to remind myself how strong, healthy and happy I am – none of which are related to how I look or the girth of my thighs.

Thanks for sharing – so important for us to be honest and open about this stuff so none of us have to go through it alone.

Thanks Gill! It was hard to admit that the experience was diminished—it makes me angry that it was! But I think I needed to admit it out loud if I’m going to move past it and hopefully have a different experience the next time.
I appreciate my body SO much—it’s so strong and has been through so much. Always want it to know how much I appreciate it, despite the shitty thoughts that are sometimes running through my brain!