WWE - Ian Clark's "Surprises"? Raw Recap

JR has recently acknowledged that there are a lot of rumours surrounding surprises for tonight's Raw. Given that I hadn't heard any of these rumours prior to JR acknowledging them, I think this may be his way of hinting that there are surprises planned for Raw tonight. We do know that The Rock will be on site, and Ric Flair has also been confirmed. As for everything else, I have no earthly idea.

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Raw begins with what basically amounts to a video recap of last week's Raw, followed by CM Punk making his way to the ring, accompanied by Paul Heyman, sporting a both a large bruise on his face and the Undertaker's urn. Hey, didn't Paul Heyman try taking the urn once before? I think it ended with him being tombstoned and rolled into a casket. Heyman tosses the urn to Punk in the middle of the ring.

Punk: "They say that the Undertaker's undefeated streak at Wrestlemania will never be beaten. They say that this deadman is unstoppable on the grandest stage of them all. They say, in hushed tones as if they're hoping no one will hear, that this urn gives The Undertaker powers and is somehow representative of his spirit, I dunny. They certainly have a lot of opinions, they certainly say a lot of stupid things, don't they. And who are they, anyway, Paul? Do they really know what they are talking about? I don't think that they do, in fact, I know that they don't, because everybody has opinions, and the only opinion that matters, because when it is spoken it becomes irrefutable fact, is mine. They are irrelevant, I am the only one that matters. Let me explain: Last year, at Wrestlemania, The Undertaker went 20-0. Think about it, two zero. Twenty times he's come down that aisle, and twenty times he's dispatched his opponent. And it should've ended there, with HHH and Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker holding hands and skipping off into the sunset, that is a perfect ending. But The Undertaker went and he ruined it all because he came out on my show and pointed at my sign. And now because of his actions, his storybook career Wrestlemania is being rewritten by a man who is not phased by his legacy, who is not phased by his streak, a man who happens to be the best in the world. You can boo me all you want, but blame The Undertaker for this, because it's his fault. This urn, I did not take to disrespect Paul Bearer, I took it because it represents everything to The Undertaker and doesn't mean a damn thing to me. Just like the streak. The Undertaker does not have anything that I want. His streak is his, and all I'm going to do is break it. But now I have something that The Undertaker wants. For the first time in his life, The Undertaker's at a psychological disadvantage, and he is scared. He should've stayed gone. He could've faced anyone else and gone 21-0, without a doubt, hell, he could've gone 30-0, he could've gone 50-0. But I am not just any other man, I am not just any other superstar, I am CM Punk, and there is no one in this world that is better than me, there is no one in this world who is smarter than me, and there is no one who will beat me at Wrestlemania. I am the 1 in 20-1. So here I am, Philadelphia, I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the lights to go out, that chill to hit the air, I'm waiting for those magic words, rest in peace, because rest is something I've never been afforded and peace is something I've never lived with. And Undertaker, at Wrestlemania, you and your perfect record will rest in peace."

The gong goes off and the lights go out. When they come back up, The Undertaker stands in the middle of the ring and starts punching Punk unrelentingly. Punk rolls out of the ring as Heyman picks up the urn and sprints up the ramp, followed by Punk. They stand on the platform and pose with the urn.

After a commercial, Fandango comes out for what may or may not be his umpteenth false start at an in-ring debut. He grabs a mic in the middle of the ring.

"Fan...dan...--"

Chris Jericho's music interrupts and Jericho hits the ring. This is apparently not a match. Jericho starts punching the hell out of Fandango, who attempts to respond in kind in vain, and ultimately flees.

Match One: Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler

Apparently this match was originally scheduled for later, but has been bumped up on the fly.

Lockup, Jericho with mounted punches, whip, spinning elbow, suplex, kick to the back, punches, whip, Ziggler with a kick to the face, punch, another, blocked, Jericho with a punch, chop, whip, reversed, Jericho with a double-leg takedown, Walls of Jericho blocked, Jericho with an elbow, top rope crossbody for two, commercial.

Back on, Dolph has Jericho in a chinlock, Jericho rebounds with punches, rollup for two, Ziggler with a dropkick for two, Jericho with chops, Ziggler locks in an abdominal stretch, Jericho arm drags out, Ziggler misses a clothesline, Jericho with two shoulder tackles, top rope double axe handle, clothesline in the corner, whip, reversed, Jericho with a boot, springboard dropkick to Big E, Ziggler with a leaping DDT for two, Ziggler misses a zig zag, Walls of Jericho blocked, Jericho goes for it again, locks in the hold, Ziggler taps.

Winner: Chris Jericho

Big E swoops in, clotheslines Jericho in the back of the head and hits the Big Ending. Fandango hits the ring and starts dancing, then pummelling Jericho. Jericho punches Fandango, Fandango responds with a superkick. The crowd is raining down "You Can't Wrestle" chants, as Fandango hits a top rope leg drop. He grabs a mic again. "It's Fandango!"

Backstage, Matt Striker asks Sheamus if he's resolved his differences with Big Show. Before he can answer, The Shield swarm Sheamus. Orton interjects with a chair, but it doesn't take until Big Show enters the fray and manhandles the entire Shield. He extends a hand to Orton, who takes it, but Sheamus still looks uneasy.

Ricardo Rodriguez comes out on crutches to do the introduction for Del Rio.

Lockup, Cesaro twists the arm, Del Rio flips his way out, armbar, Cesaro makes it to the rope, Cesaro with a punch, European Uppercut, then another, elbow drop for one, chinlock, Del Rio punches his way out, Cesaro with a whip, Del Rio with two clotheslines, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, Zeb Colter steps out onto the ramp, Cesaro with a knee to Del Rio's back in the ropes, punches in the corner, whip, Del Rio presses him to the apron, Cesaro with a headbutt, goes up top, Del Rio crotches him, superplex, Swagger attacks Ricardo Rodriguez, drags him off, Del Rio gives chase, starts beating Swagger in the timekeeper's area, throws him into the production table, Swagger runs off as Del Rio is counted out.

Winner by Countout: Antonio Cesaro

Cesaro poses on the turnbuckle as Del Rio seems completely oblivious to the fact that the match is over. As soon as he notices, he pulls Cesaro off the top rope and starts punching him, then locking in the cross arm breaker until Cesaro taps.

Kane and Titus start off, Kane with a clothesline for one, punches in the corner, Bryan in, both men punche O'Neill in the corner, Bryan with kicks, Kane in, throws Bryan intoo O'Neill, punch for two, arm twist, O'Neill with punches, Young in, both men with stomps in the corner, Kane with a punch, then another, Bryan in, whip, double arm crag, knee drop for one, Ziggler and Langston watch on from the entrance platform, Bryan with kicks, whip, reversed, Young with a belly to belly, O'Neill in, stomps, punch, kicks in the corner, uppercut, Young in, O'Neill suplexes Young onto Bryan, stomp, hammerlock, Bryan elbows his way out, knees, Young with a knee, whip, Bryan with a clothesline, Kena in, punch, whip, punch to the gut, kick, running dropkick, whip, clothesline, whip to the other corner, Young with a boot, Kane nails him, cover for two, tombstone blocked, trading shots, Kane with a side slam, covers for two, O'Neill breaks it up, Kane throws him to the apron, boot, Bryan with a dropkick, Young tries for something or other, but it becomes irrelevant when Kane chokeslams him for three.

Winners: Team Hell No

After a brief video package explains how he got to this point, HHH makes his way to the ring.

"So for the first time ever, I find myself going to the ring at Wrestlemania in a situation where if I lose, I'm never allowed to compete in this ring again. My career is over. Here's the thing: If you go to the ring thinking that your career might not already be over, you've already lost. He is a destroyer who can end your career in the ring at any moment, and that is a fact. But I've had a 20 year career going into this ring every night like my career depended on it. So if Paul Heyman thinks he's made this grand coup by making this personal by putting my back against the wall, by backing me into a corner, then he's mistaken. Brock Lesnar, I have advice for you: Come to Wrestlemania like your career is on the line, come to the ring like your life depends on it, because it very well might. I'm not coming to Wrestlemania to wrestle, I'm not coming to fight, I'm coming to kick your ass."

As HHH is trying to leave, Wade Barrett interjects, stares down HHH and tells him to leave before his match starts. HHH boots him in the gonads and walks off.

Miz starts off with an inverted atomic drop, Figure Four blocked, Barrett rolls out of the ring, climbs back in, Miz hits an atomic drop, then another inverted atomic drop, Skull Crushing Finale blocked, Barrett hits the floor again, climbs back in, kick, punch to the back of the head, stomps in the corner, whip, Miz attempts to float over, Barrett throws him to the apron, Miz with a headbutt, goes up top, Barrett splays him across the ropes, punches, kick to the gut, cover for two, elbow drop, mounted punches, chinlock, Miz with elbows, Barrett with a kick, Miz rolls Barrett up for two, backbreaker, neckbreaker blocked, Miz back body drops Barrett to the floor, leaping clothesline from the apron, throws Miz back in the ring, covers for two, commercial.

Back on, Barrett covers Miz for two, kick to the back, foot choke, knees to the face, boot in the ropes, throws Miz to the apron, rolls Miz back in the ring, cover for two, knee to the back, bow and arrow hold, Miz to his feet, elbows out, Barrett with a knee, whip, charge, misses, Miz with punches, whip, reversed, Miz with a clothesline, knee, boot, hanging clothesline, scales the turnbuckles, double axe handle for two, Skull Crushing Finale blocked, Winds of Change for two, Wasteland blocked, Barrett goes for a heel kick, blocked, Miz goes for the Figure Four, reversed into a rollup for two, Miz with a dropkick to the legs, figure four blocked, Miz hits the ring post, Barrett with a rollup for two, superkick to the side of the head for two, calls for the Bullhammer, Miz reverses into a rollup for two, Barrett tosses Miz to the apron, charges, Miz ducks, crotching Barrett, Miz with a chop block, Figure Four for the tapout.

Winner: The Miz

Backstage, Daniel Bryan is trying to impress upon Kane the severity of their Wrestlemania match, which turns into an argument about who's less over AJ. Kaitlyn interjects, saying that AJ's screwed over all three of them. AJ walks in during the conversation, undetected, and starts pummelling Kaitlyn.

Match Six: Great Khali, Justin Gabriel and Zack Ryder vs. The Shield

Khali and Rollins start off, Khali with a punch, clothesline, chop in the corner, Ryder in, punch, throw to the corner, whip, reversed, Ryder with a boot, leaps off the top rope, misses, Rollins with punches, Ambrose in, wishbone, punch, punches in the ropes, running dropkick, Reigns in, open palm strike to the gut, throws Ryder to the corner, stomps, elbow, Gabriel in, kicks, whip, reversed, Ambrose in, clothesline from behind, body slam, Rollins in, Ambrose with a modified surfboard, Rollins with a top rope stomp for three.

Winners: The Shield

Khali tries to attack all three men after the bell, gets a powerbomb for his efforts. Sheamus hits the entranceway, followed by Orton. Show steps in from behind, all three men circle the ring, a brawl breaks out, with Sheamus, Orton and Show taking control quickly. The Shield quickly bail.

Remember when 3MB formed to stop jobbing all over the place? Slater starts off, Ryback starts swinging at the other members, Slater with punches, Ryback with a whip, thesz press, slams Slater into the mat, McInture in, Ryback with chops in the corner, clothesline to Slater, then to Mahal, McIntyre with a dropkick, Mahal in, stomps, knees, Slater in, punches, Ryback shoves him, Slater with a flying kick for two, front facelock, Ryback to his feet, throws Slater off, McIntyre in, clothesline for one, armbar, twists the neck, Ryback back body drops his way out, Mahal in, clothesline, cover for one, kick to the back, Slater in, whip to the corner, Mahal whips Slater into Ryback, misses, Ryback with a clothesline to Mahal, throws him into McIntyre, shoulder tackle to Slater, spinebuster, spinebuster to Mahal, Shellshocked to Mahal and Slater for three.

Winner: Ryback

Match Nine: AJ vs. Divas Champion Kaitlyn (non-title)

Kaitlyn with a spear, punches, whip, spinning elbow, whip to the corner, AJ sells hard, whip to the other corner, AJ sells hard, AJ with a slap, then another slap, whip, clothesline, fireman's carry gutbuster, AJ bails, Kaitlyn with a kick to the face, charges, AJ ducks, Kaitlyn hits the security barricade, AJ rolls back in the ring, countout.

Winner by Countout: AJ Lee

Jerry Lawler introduces a Hall of Fame panel to address John Cena and The Rock. The first panelist he introduces is Booker T, followed by Mick Foley, then Dusty Rhodes and Bret Hart. He then introduces the WWE Champion, The Rock and John Cena.

Lawler: "Here's how this is going to work: Rock and John Cena, each one of our legends will ask one of you a question, and once you respond, the other will have an opportunity to respond as well. So we're going to get things started with a question from our newest Hall of Famer, Mick Foley."

Foley: "Almost 10 years ago, I had the opportunity to team with The Rock at Wrestlemania 20 in a match I ultimately lost. I felt a deep sense of regret when I lost not only my own match but what we thought would be The Rock's last Wrestlemania match. So John, I'm a big fan, you know that, I always take flack for being a John Cena fan, but I have to say that I felt a tremendous weight lifted last year when The Rock beat you, and I have to ask, are you prepared to deal with the kind of regret that might accompany another loss?"

Cena: "There is no mistaking that April 7th will be a historic day for the WWE, and whether I win or I lose that match, it is safe to say it will change the face of the WWE forever. If I win, the story's an easy tell, I win the match, I get the WWE Championship, I get much-needed redemption. If you'd approached me last year about losing, I wouldn't have entertained the idea because I was sure it couldn't happen. But now I know that losing is a very real option. I want to let you know how I would feel if I lost: Donovan McNabb. Statistically, Donovan McNabb is the greatest quarterback to ever put on an Eagles uniform, but listen to how his own city reacts to him, because he could not win the big one. Philadelphia has the most passionate fans and they deserve someone who can win the big one. At the end of the day, the WWE Universe needs someone who can win the big one. If I lose, I carry the legacy of Donovan McNabb. State to state, city to city, I will carry that reaction, because I couldn't win the big one. That's a lot of regret, but at least I can talk about failure. This man knows nothing about failure. Well, not yet, but he soon will."

Rock: "I don't know about failure. John, let The Rock tell you something. When I was 23 years old, I was so broke that I had to get my mattress out of a dumpster behind a motel, and I can't even tell you all the fun things that were soaked into that mattress. But then The Rock got his big break with the WWE, and six months in... I flopped. Tore my knee up, and the WWE said Rocky Maivia, it's not working out, go home. So I went home, and I could've packed it in right there, could've given up, but I didn't. I worked my ass off and I came back. And when I came back into the WWE Universe, I said one thing: Just give me a mic. Two years after that, The Rock became the youngest WWE Champion, headlining Wrestlemania after Wrestlemania including here in the City of Brotherly Love, which reminds me I have to say something: Finally, The Rock has come back to Philadelphia! The Rock rode high into Philadelphia, WWE Championship in one hand, cheesesteak in the other, and The Rock got his ass kicked by Stone Cold Steve Austin. I sat alone in that locker room and I made a decision to come back and become the greatest of all time, the hardest working man of all time and it make me the man that I am, and the man that I am is going to whip your ass at Wrestlemania."

Lawler: "Okay, our next question, Bret Hart."

Hart: "You two are both friends to me, so I must say, I was pained to see the two of you overcome with bad blood, it almost became like me and Shawn, but I can see now that something's changed. What's changed?"

Rock: "I'll tell you what's changed: Two guys went at it wanting to be the best, there were no cheap shots, no screw jobs, just two guys going at it for over 30 minutes. After I beat John in the ring, he didn't bitch, he didn't moan, he didn't complain, and I respect that."

Cena: "This all started years ago in an interview when I called The Rock out. He said he loved WWE, I said prove it. And he has. He hosted Wrestlemania 27 and then came back to face me last year. We called it once in a lifetime because that's what I thought it would be. I thought that he'd handpicked his opponent, in his hometown, and after that match, he'd ride off into the sunset and we'd never see him again, hence, once in a lifetime. But the next day, the guy who says he loves the WWE proves it even more by saying that he will not stop until he is the WWE Champion, which he is right now. Rock, you've proven your love for WWE, that's not my gripe. The number of times we've hung out since then is a staggering zero. But I respect you. I appreciate you saying I handled my loss with dignity, let's see how you handle yours."

Booker T: "As the only man whose been in the ring with both of you-- that's not a question, I just think that's pretty cool, John, you keep saying you can beat the Rock, I want to know why. Why do you think you can beat The Rock at Wrestlemania?"

Cena: "Because I have to. That's it, because I have to."

Rock: "That's it? What kind of shallow, weak answer is that? Biggest match of your life, because you have to? Why don't you wipe a monkey's ass with 'because I have to'? Be honest, rip yourself open, why do you have to beat me?"

Cena: "Because you didn't beat me! You cannot beat me, I beat me. And that's the first time I have said that publicly, but that is fact. One bad decision, I get caught up in one personal moment, I come out here every single week, some people like me, some don't, it's fine. Every single week, I've been coming out here half of them are here, half of them are there, and you are the only single person who has ever clouded my judgment, King, you were there. Rock, I had you beat, I had taken everything you had, Rock Bottom, People's Elbow, and I was still riding tall, but I let myself get taken over by one personal moment. What better way to beat him in his hometown than with his own stupid move? One time, you personally got in the way of me making the easiest decision of my life. Here's the good news: That will never happen again. This year I step in that ring, I do it my way, my terms, you want your answer? Here's your answer: I know that I am better than The Rock, and much more importantly, The Rock knows I am better than The Rock."

Rock: "Here's what I do know: If you had me beat, you would've beaten me. But you didn't. Here's what happened: You hit me with everything you had, before you went for the People's Elbow, you hit me with the AA, I kicked out, left you speechless. In front of all these great men, there's one more hall of famer I always wanted to be just like, it's no secret, and he had a saying, it goes like this: To be the man... woo... you've got to beat the man. John Cena, you can't beat the man, because you are not the man."

Dusty: "Whoa, whoa, hey--"

Rock: "Just a second, and you know I got the People's Elbow from the Bionic Elbow, by the way. John Cena, as long as The Rock is here, you will never, and the Rock means ever, be the man."

Dusty: "That's what I mean, you've got to take the gloves off. Wrestlemania isn't about respect, it isn't about redemption, it's about winning and losing. There are no guarantees. Sometimes you don't get what you want. Sometimes what you get isn't what you want. So my question is this: What do you really want on April 7th?"

Cena: "I want to win the big one? And not only that, I want to dominate The Rock. I want The Rock to be looking up at the open air at Met Life Stadium and realize that this ballcap wearing kid he says never should've been here in an Attitude Era does belong. I want to do to The Rock what he did to me, I want to hand him a loss so devastating that it haunts him for the rest of his life."

Rock: "Haunt me for the rest of my life? The Rock isn't wired that way. The Rock's going to wake up after Wrestlemania still the WWE Champion and you're going to wake up stuffing your face with Fruity Pebbles asking yourself why you couldn't get the job done. You bring it like no one else, that's why we're going at it a second time. You want to prove The Rock wrong, do it at Wrestlemania, but better yet, why don't you prove it right now?"

Both men stare each other down as Jerry Lawler tries to stop a fight. Rock shoves Cena, Cena goes for an AA, Rock counters and hits the Rock Bottom. John Cena tries to come to grips with what has just happened as Raw goes off the air.