Monster

Chapter 5: Truth

I couldn’t stop seeing Bella’s terrified face in the meadow. It was there every time I closed my eyes, tormenting me and mocking me in my sleep. I couldn’t help wondering how she rationalized to herself what she saw.

The others were thrilled about the hunt. Billy was proud of me and told me so incessantly, trying to make me feel better. But it didn’t help. And neither did the fact that everyone kept telling me how “good” I was at this. How I was able to control my … “episodes” … for the lack of a better word, better than anyone else. It took Sam half a year to get to the point where I already was in two weeks.

Regardless, now that we finally had a notch under our belts, we were pumped. Which was good, because the red-haired vampire was back. And so our hunt continued. We half-expected her to come seek us out, since our legends had always said that vampire mates were strongly attached to each other and would seek revenge. But she seemed to play by her own rules, dancing around the edges of the reservation, as if she were looking for a way around us and into Forks.

And that made me worry even more about Bella. She seemed to attract vampires wherever she went, so I started sleeping in the woods outside her house at nights, just in case. I caught glimpses of her through the windows, eating dinner with Charlie and doing homework in the living room. I also watched as she called me and left messages. One evening, I watched as she picked up the phone every half hour, only to slam it down in frustration after a few minutes. It hurt to watch. But it was hard to know which hurt more. Witnessing the pain that I had caused her or worrying about the day that she would stop calling.

Sam tolerated my stalking, as long as I participated fully in patrols and kept up appearances at school. But one thing he wouldn’t tolerate was my wanting to see her, even though I was growing confident that I could handle it. I also started thinking that Bella might be able to handle this too – whatever it is that I am. She could accept a bloodsucker, why not a werewolf? But whenever I mentioned it to Sam, his eyes would darken with pain and regret, and I could tell that he was thinking about Emily. And it silenced me better than anything he could have said.

But Bella was persistent. Which was one of the things that I loved about her. Once she wanted something, she would hold on to it with everything she had. And deep-down, I couldn’t help thanking the gods that she thought that I was something – someone - worth holding on to.

I didn’t realize how persistent she could be, until two days after the hunt, while hanging out at my house, we heard the rumbling sound of a familiar Chevy coming down the street. The rest of the pack immediately started heading out the back door, but I couldn’t move. My heart was in my throat as I stood there, frozen in the doorway, unsure of whether I should be running to her or away from her.

“Jacob. Don’t.”

I jumped when Sam grabbed my arm to shake me out of my trance. The others gathered around him, their faces ranging from annoyance (Paul) to pity (Jared) to compassion (Embry).

“I should see her. I’ll have to talk to her at some point,” I said softly to the others, though mostly to Sam.

“I have to. I can’t let her continue to …” My voice trailed off. I didn’t know if she would continue calling and coming by. Surely, at some point, she would just stop. Pushing that thought from my mind, I continued hoarsely, “I can’t let her continue worrying about what happened to me. It’s better if I tell her that it’s over. I’ll tell her to stop coming by. It’ll be easier for everyone ….”

Sam let out a long sigh. “Fine.” But then – in that alpha voice that I had begun to detest– he ordered, “But you cannot tell her the truth. And you must say whatever you have to in order to keep her away from now on.”

Our eyes met. I knew Sam hated to play Alpha with me – more than the others – but I knew that he was right. I saw Emily every day, tangible proof of what could happen in a split second.

The rain was pouring furiously, cold and stinging despite the fact that it was April. I tried to rehearse what to say, but my mind came up blank. What I was about to do seemed to go against every fiber within me. But it would be easiest for her – and for me – if I kept this quick. No details. I couldn’t trust myself to keep up the act for any longer than I had to. So I would just tell her that she couldn’t come by anymore, insinuate that she should take the hint when a guy wasn’t interested. I knew her well enough to know unerringly what buttons to push and the things that I needed to say that would make her unable to forgive me. Embry patted me on the pack, bringing me back to reality.

“Let’s get this over with,” I muttered as I stepped out into the yard and walked around the side of the house.

Bella was sitting in the truck doodling as we approached, the loudness of the rain drowning out the sound of our footsteps. Not that there was much sound to drown out, we were pretty silent these days.

My heart wrenched at the sight of her scrawling rows of diamonds in a notebook. She looked tired and weary, almost the way she looked when she first started coming out here a few months ago. I could have stood there and watched her forever, but Sam coughed loudly and gave me a nudge. I rapped the door sharply.

Bella jumped, looking up at me in surprise as she rolled down the window.

"What are you doing here, Bella.'" I growled as my hands gripped the window frame. I needed something, anything to hold myself together, and I could feel the metal beginning to bend under the pressure.

I watched as she stared at me, taking in the new hair, the new muscles, and new attitude. She frowned, getting that adorable wrinkle in her forehead just above her nose. I expected to see fear and disappointment in her eyes, but instead I saw worry and defiance.

"Jacob?" she asked softly.

I stared at her, forcing myself to stay tense and angry. This is for her safety, I reminded myself.

She looked away from suddenly and her eyes fell on the others. Her eyes widened as she took them in – the hostility that I was sure was in all of their eyes. And then she locked eyes with Sam, who I knew had his “Alpha face” on – that serene and impenetrable glare that said that he was in control of the situation. And he was. I would do what he said. Not only because he had ordered me to. But because I knew that it was the best thing to do for Bella.

Bella continued to glare at Sam when suddenly, something hit her and she looked away quickly, and a familiar expression came back onto her face. She wrapped her arms around herself, as if she were trying to hold the pieces of herself together. I knew that expression and that gesture all too well. It was what happened when she thought about Cullen – the damn leech - I didn’t need to pretend to be hostile now.

“What do you want, Bella?” I demanded angrily.

“I want to talk to you,” she said weakly.

"Go ahead.”

“Alone,” she demanded, even though I could see that she was visibly torn up by my behavior.

I turned to look at Sam and he nodded once, his face unperturbed.

“We won’t listen, but don’t forget – you must do whatever you have to in order to keep her away,” he said swiftly in Quileute.

And then he turned, followed by the others, and walked into the house where Billy was watching anxiously from the window. Sam didn’t bother to wait to make sure I understood him. I turned my head back to her when I knew they had all entered the house.

“Okay.” I ratcheted down the anger in my voice now that they were gone.

She took a deep breath. "You know what I want to know."

I continued to stare at her – my head running through hundreds of things – none of which I could tell her. The concern on her face unnerved me, but I forced my expression to remain the same. It was surprising how easy it was to wear a mask. I had been wearing one the past two weeks and it really seemed second-nature to me.

"Can we walk?" she finally asked softly.

I didn’t respond, but she pushed open the car door and walked out towards the trees. The rain was coming down hard and she didn’t have an umbrella, but she didn’t seem to care as she stumbled through the mud.

I followed her, staying as close as I could, in case she slipped. But who was I fooling. I was staying close because I couldn’t bear to be away. This was quite possibly my last chance to be near her and I wasn’t going to let that slip away.

She walked all the way to the edge of the forest, away from any prying eyes that might have been watching from the house. Torn between needing to pull the band-aid off quickly and not wanting to end this – our last meeting for a long time – I walked silently behind her. But as we passed a hollowed-up tree, it brought back my memory of Sam’s memory – where he had curled up for two days after Emily’s “accident” - I relived the pain, the agony, the utter fear of hurting the one you love the most. I was being a coward. I had to do this. I picked up my pace, moving past her before swinging around abruptly to face her.

"Let's get this over with," I said in a hard voice.

She waited, her eyes both angry and hurt as she waited for an explanation.

"It's not what you think." I said wearily, knowing that she thought that I was now part of Sam’s gang. She was partially right. It just wasn’t a gang. "It's not what I thought–I was way off."

"So what is it, then?" she demanded angrily.

I studied her face for a long time, desperately wanting to tell her the truth. But I couldn’t say the words. Sam’s orders rang true. "I can't tell you," I finally admitted.

Her jaw tightened. “I thought we were friends,” she ground out through her teeth.

"We were." There could be no doubt where the emphasis was in that statement.

"But you don't need friends anymore,” she said sourly. "You have Sam. Isn't that nice–you've always looked up to him so much."

"I didn't understand him before.”

"And now you've seen the light. Hallelujah." She laughed bitterly

"It wasn't like I thought it was. This isn't Sam's fault. He's helping me as much as he can,” I said bitterly.

"He's helping you," she repeated dubiously. "Naturally."

I felt my emotions – frustration, anguish, pain – begin to rage out of control, triggering a familiar prickling under my skin. My hands shook as I forced myself to take deep breaths and calm down. I didn’t want to feel the slightest inkling of that uncontrollable rage anywhere within the vicinity of Bella.

"Jacob, please," she whispered "Won't you tell me what happened? Maybe I can help."

"No one can help me now.” I choked up, when I realized how true that statement was. There was nothing in this world that could change what had happened. I was a werewolf. Until I died. End of story.

"What did he do to you?" she demanded. I could see the tears glistening in her eyes, as she reached out to me with her arms wide open as if to give me a hug.

“No, don’t touch me!” I stammered as I backed away. I held my hands up defensively. This was hard enough, but if she touched me – I knew I would lose it entirely. Maybe they were right, I wasn’t ready for this.

"Is Sam catching?" she asked as tears began to escape from the corners of her eyes. She wiped them away and folded her arms against her chest, mirroring my stance.

I laughed angrily. I couldn’t help it. “"You don't want to hear that."

"The hell I don't!" she snapped, angrier than I ever thought she could possibly be. "I want to know, and I want to know now."

"You're wrong," I snapped back, more harshly than I had intended.

"Don't you dare tell me I'm wrong–I'm not the one who got brainwashed! Tell me now whose fault this all is, if it's not your precious Sam!"

"You asked for it," I ground on. "If you want to blame someone, why don't you point your finger at those filthy, reeking bloodsuckers that you love so much?"

Her mouth fell open. I felt as if I had taken a knife and driven it straight into her, and then into myself. Seeing the pain in her eyes made my skin tingle and my head spin – rage at myself for doing this to her and rage at her for having had anything to do with the leeches to begin with.

"I don't understand who you mean," she whispered brokenly.

I raised one eyebrow in disbelief. "I think you understand exactly who I mean. You're not going to make me say it, are you? I don't like hurting you."

"I don't understand who you mean," she repeated mechanically.

"The Cullens," I said slowly, drawing out every syllable, scrutinizing her face as I said it. "I saw that–I can see in your eyes what it does to you when I say their name."

She shook her head back and forth. I could see the emotions play across her face. She had always been so easy to read for me, but I wished now that I couldn’t. It hurt too much to watch concern for the Cullens flash all over her face and to fully realize that she had known all along what they truly were.

“Don't tell me you're listening to Billy's superstitious nonsense now," she said feebly after a long time.

"He knows more than I gave him credit for."

"Be serious, Jacob." I glared at her. She was accusing me of not being serious? "Superstitions aside," she continued quickly. "I still don't see what you're accusing the... Cullens…of. They left more than half a year ago. How can you blame them for what Sam is doing now?"

"Sam isn't doing anything, Bella. And I know they're gone. But sometimes… things are set in motion, and then it's too late."

"What's set in motion? What's too late? What are you blaming them for?"

"For existing,” I snapped. I couldn’t believe that she was defending them. After all this, she was defending them. I was suddenly in her face, the fury in me spiking as I listened to her defend the bloodsucking leeches. After all that they did to her. And to me. I stumbled when I realized that I was right in her face. I jerked myself back in horror, clenching my eyes shut as I counted to ten. "Fine,” I continued, taking deep breaths. "I won't argue with you. It doesn't matter anyway, the damage is done." I had to get out of here. Now.

"What damage?" Bella wouldn't let it go that easily.

"Let's head back. There's nothing more to say,” I said abruptly as I strode past her towards the house.

She gaped. "There's everything more to say! You haven't said anything yet!" I ignored her and continued walking. "I ran into Quil today," she yelled at me.

I could hear her fumbling footsteps as she tried to keep pace. I paused misstep, but didn’t stop. Quil had seen me and Embry disappear into the forest earlier this afternoon and had followed us, stumbling around the forest for an hour shouting our names. No matter how hard we tried, Embry and I couldn’t shut out the sound of his voice.

"You remember your friend, Quil? Yeah, he's terrified.”

I whirled around to face her. I knew how hard it had been when Embry had disappeared, but at least I had Quil. And now, both of us were … my face grimaced with pain as I let the thoughts flood through me. “Quil” I finally said softly.

"He's worried about you, too. He's freaked out."

I stared past her desperately, too scared to meet her eyes. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be here right now.

She continued, "He's frightened that he's next."

I grabbed a tree as I muttered, “"He won't be next. He can't be. It's over now. This shouldn't still be happening. Why? Why?" I slammed my fist against the tree and it snapped instantly – as if it were a twig. I hadn’t even realized I was doing it. Shocked into action by my lack of control, I whirled away, desperate to get back to where the others could see us.

"I have to get back." This was too risky. Sam was right. I wasn’t as in control of myself as I thought.

"Back to Sam!"

"That's one way of looking at it," I said as I strode away from her quickly.

"Wait!" she called scrambling to keep up.

I spun around to face her, my hands shaking and quivering with all of the emotions running through me. Mustering all of my strength, I willed myself to just get it over with. "Go home, Bella. I can't hang out with you anymore."

Tears welled up in her face, "Are you… breaking up with me?" she choked out.

I laughed bitterly. "Hardly. If that were the case, I'd say 'Let's stay friends.' I can't even say that."

"Jacob… why? Sam won't let you have other friends? Please, Jake. You promised. I need you!"

Say whatever you have to say. Sam’s voice floated through my head.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I said, pronouncing each word as distinctly as I could. I stared at her – willing her to read between the lines and see that I had no choice in what I was saying.

Her face fell in anguish and then I heard her choke out softly, "I'm sorry that I couldn't… before… I wish I could change how I feel about you, Jacob." The tears continued to roll down her cheeks. "Maybe… maybe I would change. Maybe, if you gave me some time…just don't quit on me now, Jake. I can't take it."

Her face crumpled as she begged. My bravado deflated immediately. My hands felt numb as I reached out to grab her shoulders. "No. Don't think like that, Bella, please. Don't blame yourself, don't think this is your fault. This one is all me. I swear, it's not about you."

"It's not you, it's me," she whispered. "There's a new one."

"I mean it, Bella. I'm not…" I struggled to find the words. "I'm not good enough to be your friend anymore, or anything else. I'm not what I was before. I'm not good."

"What?" she almost shouted at me. "What are you saying? You're much better than I am, Jake. You are good! Who told you that you aren't? Sam? It's a vicious lie, Jacob! Don't let him tell you that!"

I wish it were a lie. But I knew it was true. I could feel it – even now – in the prickly fiery rage that was barely contained under my skin. "No one had to tell me anything. I know what I am."

"You're my friend, that's what you are! Jake–don't!"

I started to back away from her towards the house. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take this. I had to get away. I needed to phase – I was inches away from losing control.

“I'm sorry, Bella," I whispered softly. And then I turned and dashed into the house – straight through the hall and out the back door that Billy had left open. He had known that I would need the escape. I took off into the forest, tearing off my clothes as soon as I reached the trees, desperately seeking the protection of my wolf brain where this wouldn’t hurt as much. I phased immediately and took off running. But it didn’t make a difference.

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