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I have a professor that for some reason has something against me. He's set then broken the record for the lowest grades given to me by an English Professor, and the last paper I turned in was pretty damn good (when I gave it to three other professors for grading/insight, one gave me a B+ while the other two gave me an A-, he gave me a C). He has a reputation as an easy grader, but the grade I'm most likely to receive in this class will ruin my chances of graduating with departmental honors. How should I deal with this?

Dear Slave-to-Education,

I'm not quite sure whether you're in highschool or college. (I assume college, but the whole departmental honors thing seems pretty highschool-ish) I sympathize with your dilemma. This reminds me of when I was attending James Hopkins University. My professor refused to give me extra-points for memorizing 212 bones. She insisted that there were only 206 bones in the human body. In my opinion, I deserved more points for memorizing 6 extra bones! In fact, she even took off a few. Well, I went on to seduce her, and then got her ass fired for having sex with me. I recommend you try the same thing, although I gather in your scenario, the professor is male. So have your girlfriend (or a girl friend) seduce him, and then launch his ass right outta the place. You'll get a different teacher who'll hopefully grade your papers more reasonably. If not, rinse and repeat.

I have an very ver very big problem. I'm an IRC n00b (Donkey has quit (quit: black FTW)). How can I un-n00b myself

With greetings from Donkey

Dear Donkey,
You may have noticed I've renamed you donkey cause of your poor IRC skills which I like to think makes you a jackass. First, allow me to tell you there ARE NO CHEAT CODES to IRC. ..with the exception of "/q chanserv op me" This tells chanserv to give you operational powers over the IRC server. From here, you cannot be disconnected no matter how you try. Even when you press Alt+F4 (possibly a cheat code?) you'll remain connected on IRC.
More importantly, what you clearly suffer is from too much masturbation. I notice on here, and on IRC, you miss typing the letters on your right hand a lot. I attribute this to your right hand being numb from excessive masturbation. I can only imagine the state of your testicles, for the record, you should have two of them. For your hand to go numb, you must jerk off at least nine times a day. I believe you actually suffer from tennis elbow, despite never having played tennis. Instead of beating off, why don't you beat others off (the tennis court)? Put to use the endurance of your right arm and make millions.

Nobody will pay you to masturbate (your genes aren't good enough for sperm donations), but they will pay you to smack a few balls around!

I've got upcoming half-yearly exams in about 9 days and im not making the best of progress. Knowing that you can't possibly help me practically I'm writing to get a chuckle out of my day. I do Modern History, Physics, Chemistry, English Advanced, and Maths Ext. 1 and these exams matter (at least as high school goes)

Wow me!

Dear Procrastinating and Educationally limited Jackass...I mean Bob,
Let's think about this for a moment. You have nine days, and you have 5 subjects. If you've already started studying, anything short of a 95% on your tests just means you're an idiot. Modern History, that in itself is a joke. The history of...the modern world? For your essay question, merely write "Because you named the course like an idiot, you attracted idiots to the course much like myself. Being an idiot, I claim mental retardation and do not have to subject myself to answering this question." Word for word. If there's anything you should study, focus on memorizing that.
Next, chemistry, I recommend doing what I did when I had to take a chemistry exam. Bug the shit out of ninjastik. Although I am quite confident I know much more about chemistry than you do, I cannot be bothered to help you because..I'm too busy helping you.
Physics, Newton was a homosexual, his beliefs are invalid.
Math, I'm sorry. This is a department where I really cannot help you in seeing as I'm of oriental descent and Math comes to me as naturally as inbreeding comes to your family line.

While these exams do matter as far as high school goes, do not despair. Even if you fail all of them, you have a promising career at McDonalds, asking people whether or not they want cheese with that even though they're merely ordering a large coke.

Hello folks!! As my first act as returning Doctah, I will be refuting the claims of hard, right-winged Christians about the dangers of masturbation!. It might be tough seeing as they have solid evidence.

Let's begin.

Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but since the Sexual Revolution of the 1960's, this fact has been lost in the "if it feels good, do it" mentality.

If a sexual revolution in the 1960's did indeed occur, why was there a need for masturbation? People would have been screwing left and right, and the need for ol' righty would've been abolished!

...I admit this one is solid. Constant ejaculation leads to weakness. Masturbation is followed by depression due to the fact that you've just made love to your right hand again, and not a vagina, and forgetfulness occurs as in about three hours, you'll forget all the regret from the depression phase and be dancing with the right palm again. Nearsightedness...yes, this is indeed a controversial one. Whilst possibly true for men, as ejaculation to the eyes will cause ocular damage, most women do not squirt and therefore could not damage their eyes...unless they..stab themselves with a dildo or something...further investigation is being conducted.

Myth: There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!

So...Americans only work and masturbate. Time spent masturbating is time nto spent working. Wait..that's not true. So unless people are all masturbating at their work places (in which case I'll be sending my resume) this just isn't true. 150,000 Americans are masturbating right now...did you know that that means about 300989947 Americans aren't masturbating right now? Obviously the Christians are already winning the battle!!

Myth: Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality: Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.

In other news, most billionaires and world leaders also started out as Masturbators...sure would hate to get some of that...

Myth: Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for Masturbation being outlawed.
Reality: Oral and anal sex are already illegal in several States, and people like it that way! Masturbatory devices are already illegal in Texas, and the Police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law,

This simply isn't true. If it was, both redsquirrel and mister_death would have been beaten for their excessive use of dildos.

even going as far as to torture clerks that worked in stores that sold indecently-shaped soap and candles, and there has been no public outcry.

Torture by anal penetration with said candles and indecently shaped soaps...

Myth: But everyone's doing it!
Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate.

Statistics are inaccurate because 95% of the surveyors were masturbating at the time and had to falsify their data.

1. "Personal Vibrators" and other Masturbatory devices such as dildos and blow-up dolls. ALL candles, no matter what their shape, must be banned.

Do they realize the statue of david is of a naked person? NAKED I SAY!!! If they put this in motion, they might notice the statue of david receiving a lot more attention...

3. Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate.

While we're at it, ban bananas, outlaw bottles, phones, baseball bats...basically anything longer than three inches which looks like it can be shoved up a vagina. Oh, and let's not forget to outlaw crosses, I've seen those things go in unspeakable places...

Zero Tolerance! Zero Tolerance has been a rallying cry in the War On Drugs, and is a policy that should be enacted immediately in the War On Masturbation! Any amount of Masturbation is too much! Any person caught touching his or her genitals without a solid, medically-approved reason should be imprisoned in a boot camp. We will teach our children that God did not give us genitals for entertainment.

No..God obviously gave us genitals so they should only be used for procreation. Wait...then shouldn't they have some sorta seal on them most of the time? Imagine having your genitals tied up until you were married so you could legally (by religion) have sex.

urgery: Certain supposedly "primitive" tribes in Africa have completely eliminated Masturbation among their women! How was this amazing feat accomplished? Through a very simple operation called a Clitoridectomy, which is analogous to circumcision in the male

In other news, certain tribes in Africa suffer from AIDS and walk through fire to reach manhood and take turns playing "toss the dung" with monkeys.

Finally...

Spoiler!

I admit defeat. This indisputable evidence clearly makes a direct coorelation between masturbation and crime.

Ok I lied. Not willing to accept these results, I went and conducted research of my own.

Spoiler!

As we can see, masturbation leads to eternal (including afterlife) happiness.

Motto of the day, to the hardcore right-winged Christians: Don't hate! Masturbate!

My friend is skipping classes, and does almost no work in the ones he does go to. He constantly lies too, even if it's obvious he's lying. Most likely he will repeat the next grade, but probably won't care.

What can I do to get him back on track?Dear Naive Homosexual,
I think it's cute that you're worried about your boyfriend. I think it's time you locked your friend in the closet..with you, and gave him a good ol'fashioned ass raping until he learns the error of your ways. An ancient belief was that knowledge and morals could be transmitted through semen. Unfortunately, sodomy was also prohibited, so the knowledge and morals of men could only be transferred to women. Yet these women could not transfer the knowledge to anyone else, and so the knowledge was lost. Despite all this, we live in a very liberal world. Move on down to California and go crazy. I know you're afraid of being condemned by your follow *insert state's 1st 3 letters*ans, but don't worry, dress your friend up like a girl and claim he's your sister and they'll let you get right to fuckin'! Also, show your friend the movie Iron Man. I saw that movie and it motivated me to make as much cash as possible, because hell, make a few trillion bucks and you could be Iron Man!! Remind him that, afterall, there's nobody who doesn't want to be Iron Man. Plus, it comes with an awesome theme song. (many actually) But this one is the awesome-est.

Zomg an update! But not the traditional update. Just a rant and I felt this was the place for me to do it.

The following message is for people who have yet to grasp the concept of the English language. Shockingly, I am not suggesting you go to hooked-on-phonics.com. This applies to foreigners as well and although I don't expect you to have a perfect grasp of the English language, it would be super fabulous if you attempted to improve your skills. Lessons taken from Lothar.

"THERE" is used when talking about a location.
EXAMPLE: "They went to the pie shop over there."

"THEIR" is used when talking about something in the possessive.
EXAMPLE: "That is their pie."

"THEY'RE" is used as a shorter way of saying "they are".
EXAMPLE: "They're stealing the pie!"

And here's another lesson.

"YOUR" is when you're ascribing ownership of something.
Example: "That is your pie."

"YOU'RE" is used as a shorter version of "you are".
EXAMPLE: "You're stealing the pie!"

Next lesson:
The following are not valid words/word substitutes: "2", "4", "u", "r", "y", "c". In a perfect world, the following sentence would get you lynched: "i can 4c y r u here 2." Spell it out, people. Your parents threw money at the public education system for many years for a reason. That reason is NOT so you could abuse the English language, a language which has done nothing to you personally and thus does not need your abuse. Thank you.

GOT IT YET YOU ILLITERATE FUCKERS!?

Oh and I've unlocked this thread for...probably no good reason and I might possibly start updating with PM responses if people send them to me again.

Dear Asce, I need to know the quickest way to hide a dead body without spending too much money... Can you help me here?

Dear Homicidal Canadian,
As someone who lives in New York and knows many Italians, I'd suggest the nearest river. Dress the man up in a couple of cement shoes and he'll be out of your life forever. However, I have come to an even better solution.

First get a giant pot, the biggest pot you can find. Now build a fire and place the pot ontop. Add water and wait for the water to boil. Then, throw the body into the pot (I assume you've cut the body into chunks by now, afterall, any sane-insane homicidal maniac knows this is elementary). Sprinkle salt and stir. Cook the meat fully or to a medium-well quality. Next, add freshly cut peppers as well as onions. Now let the stew cook for around 2 more minutes. Invite your redneck and hobo friends over and enjoy a meal. After a few hours, all the evidence will be heading down a drain in the sewage system and you won't have to worry about anything.

Remember, any meat that you don't already eat simply tastes like chicken.