It's a common complaint with the list-based format. For those writers who do read their comments, the temptation is to reply with arguments about how there are only so many words people are willing to read at one time so some stuff just won't make the list. You may also be inclined to point out that your failure to include that one song by their favorite band in no way means that you are 14 years old and still sleep in the same bed with your mother.

Getty"Not sure I believe you."

Nor does it mean you're a member of the Illuminati. That's not to say you're not interested in hearing a pitch from one of their representatives. Just that your failure to include "Pumped Up Kicks" on that one list doesn't indicate any active involvement with the organization at this time. You'd probably read an email if they sent it, though.

"Of course you would."

But as usual, nothing I've just said matters in the least. Because defending yourself against people who catalog the plethora of items you've left off of a list are worthy of but one reply ...

Thanks for writing this article for me, chumps.

Here are five more popular upbeat songs you didn't realize are depressing ...

#5. Eddy Grant -- "Electric Avenue"

Getty

Most Deceptively Fun Lyric:

"We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue/And then we'll take it higher."

Why It Makes People Happy:

"Electric Avenue" is one of those songs that people just seem to universally agree is wonderful. It has that perfect combination of dance-worthy beats and an instantly memorable chorus that makes a song stick in a person's brain for hours once they hear it. Check it out:

Pretty catchy, right? On top of that, did you get a load of Eddy Grant's voice? How fun is that guy to imitate? Just singing that opening line in that Jamaican (probably?) accent is enough provocation to start an impromptu party in most areas. Go ahead, stand up in the middle of your office or living room or public library right now and belt out this line in your best Cool Runnings voice:

"Down in the street there is violence!"

Whoa. I hope you didn't really do that. If you did, just show this article to security when they show up. And hey, why the hell is this guy singing about violence when we're trying to start the party anyway?

Why It's Secretly Depressing:

"Electric Avenue" is much like Bruce Springsteen's "Born In the U.S.A.," in that they're both songs that people get totally wrong, thanks to an overwhelmingly catchy chorus that completely overshadows the verses that are just waiting to ruin your day if only you'd listen close enough.

WikipediaLooking at this album cover for too long will also ruin your day.

When you break the chorus of "Electric Avenue" down to its barest elements, you're left with three words: "rock," "avenue," "higher." Add in the fact that the guy singing it has dreadlocks, and "Holy shit, this song is totally about weed, bro!"

Great guess, but you're wrong, not only about the meaning of this song, but also about me being your bro. For one thing, I don't even know you. On top of that, this song isn't about weed at all, it's about violent rioting that broke out in the Brixton area of England in 1981, an incident that people have for some reason taken to calling the 1981 Brixton riot.

England was in bad shape in 1981. For starters, no Chicken McNuggets. Those didn't break big until 1983, so there was still a general malaise over the entire world that kids today will just never understand. Also, England was in the midst of a massive recession. And as history has taught us time and again, something about literally watching your children starve tends to dampen a person's mood.

GettyWould it kill them to not look so sad about it?

Things between police and residents of Brixton were already tense, but an incident in which police officers were accused of ignoring a black youth as he lay bleeding in the street from a stab wound proved to be the tipping point for a day of violence that came to be known as Bloody Saturday. A slightly less flashy name than "The 1981 Brixton riots," for sure, but it should still give you at least some insight into how bad things got.

As for "Electric Avenue," that's the name of a famous market street in Brixton. There wasn't much rioting there, but it makes for a snappier song title than "Coldharbour Lane" or some shit. But a quick scan of the lyrics makes it pretty clear what the song is about. If you're looking for one standout line that really proves that Eddy Grant doesn't want to party with you, let it be this one:

"Workin' so hard like a soldier/Can't afford a thing on TV/

Deep in my heart I abhor ya/Can't get food for them kid/Good God!"

Kids, man. Always needing to be fed. It's enough to drive a person to riot.

#4. The Clash -- "Train in Vain"

"All the times/When we were close/I'll remember these things the most."

Why It Makes People Happy:

The Clash was a punk band. That's not a genre that leaves much room for songs that don't make people want to stab each other in the neck with broken beer bottles.

So imagine the music-buying public's surprise when this song popped up as a seemingly hidden track at the end of the the landmark London Calling album:

Who even has time to listen to the lyrics when a feel-good tune like that is playing? The Clash had never sounded more upbeat. So what's got the band in such a chipper mood? Was there a sale on Reggae Music for White People at the local bookstore the day this song was written?

Just a quick side note for any aspiring writers out there: What I just did at the end of the preceding paragraph was make a joke that will only be understood by the same people who will hate me for making the joke in the first place. Try to avoid this in your own writing.

Anyway, why so fucking happy, Clash?

Why It's Secretly Depressing:

If we're talking in the strictest terms, the Clash really don't sound all that happy here. Sure, the tune is pretty upbeat and is more than capable of putting a smile on your otherwise sad and weather-beaten face. But give the lyrics a really good listen and you'll note that nothing fun is happening in this song:

"Did you stand by me/No not at all/Did you stand by me/No way."

What we have here is a classic "Somebody done somebody wrong" song. But who is this song about? Well, I hope you're in the mood for some speculation, because I've got some coming right up.

It's rumored that "Train in Vain" is a response to a song called "Typical Girls" by punk band the Slits.

Slits. Get it? Because you have to squint to see which one is a dude.

That song mentions girls who stand by their man. Clash guitarist Mick Jones wrote this song shortly after breaking up with a woman named Viv Albertine. She just happened to be a guitarist for, you guessed it, the Slits. With that back story, lyrics like these make perfect sense:

"Now I got a job/But it don't pay/I need new clothes/I need somewhere to stay/

But without all of these things I can do/But without your love I won't make it through/

But you don't understand my point of view/I suppose there's nothing I can do."

Honestly, I'd expect a chick in a band called the Slits to be a little bit nicer.

#3. The Monkees -- "Last Train to Clarksville"

We'll have time for coffee-flavored kisses/And a bit of conversation."

Why It Makes People Happy:

In the big scheme of things, the Monkees really don't have much to be sad about. In their "prime," they were basically a more talented version of Milli Vanilli. Sure, they eventually tried to become a real band and stuff, but on that first album, the one that made them superstars, they didn't even play any instruments. They basically got to become one of the biggest bands in the world by looking the part and letting people like Neil Diamond write their songs.

You can't really blame them for any of this, of course. They were a band built around a television show. This stuff was completely out of their hands. And they didn't look like they were particularly sad about anything that was happening around them. Why, just check out the video for "Last Train to Clarksville" for proof of that:

Do my eyes deceive me, or were they playing that song on a merry-go-round? I'm pretty sure they were. Let's take a look at what sunshine-filled topic got them so giddy.

Why It's Secretly Depressing:

The problem with being a band built for television is that you have to tread carefully when it comes to delivering any sort of message. That's why you never saw Will Smith break into any "Fuck tha Police" type of rhymes on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. The fact that he's Will Smith probably had a hand in preventing those types of outbursts as well.

"Will Smith don't have to curse in his raps to sell records ..."

For the Monkees, the joyful antics of the "Last Train to Clarksville" video are hiding something pretty damn dark. Like Vietnam War dark. "Last Train to Clarksville" is actually a song written in protest of the war in Vietnam. It tells the story of a man who's taking a train to an Army base in the morning and wants to see the love of his life one last time. You know, in case you ever wondered why, in a song so seemingly filled with happiness, this line pops up:

"And I don't know if I'm ever coming home."

Vietnam is never specifically mentioned in "Last Train to Clarksville," but Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart, the duo who wrote the song, have a pretty solid excuse for that, saying in an interview, "We couldn't be too direct with the Monkees. We couldn't really make a protest song out of it -- we kind of snuck it in."

It's exactly that kind of subversiveness that gets you applauded in a Cracked article, Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart. Here's hoping the rest of the songwriting world follows your lead. I have to come up with this shit like every week, you know?