Inside the NFL: Kicking’s Bad Boy

Ray Lewis? He killed a man and got away with it. Big fucking deal. Plaxico Burress? You mean to tell me he accidentally shot himself in the dick and went to jail for two years? Nobody cares. I wouldn’t even care if Brett Favre tied up Jenn Sterger and reenacted his favorite chapter from Jerry Sandusky’s book, Touched (the irony in professional sports can be so palpable). While the off-the-field misconduct of offensive and defensive players may make the ESPN headlines, there is one bad ass special teamer that tops our list: Sebastian “Seabass” Janikowski.

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Seabass graduated from what many refer to as the Harvard of Tallahassee–Florida State University. One of his most impressive achievements thus far came 2 years ago when he tooted and booted a 63 yard field goal, tied for longest in NFL history. This record propels Seabass to the top of my Grauman’s Chinese Theater of Special Teamers, where his “star” is graced by the presences of Ray Guy, Steve Tasker (if you watch all 11:20 of that, shoot us an email and we’ll buy you a drink), and Dante Hall (of fame). However, I’m not here to talk about his kicking records because, well, I’m not a fucking zero. Instead I’d like to highlight his off-the-field activities to get this 260 pound, piece of shit Polack into the Bad Boy Hall of Fame. You may be wondering, does a kicker have any shot of getting inducted into this prestigious group? Seems like an oxymoron. Or maybe I’m on oxy, being a moron? Who knows. Anyways, kicking and punting, like many other positions, have their place for Bad Boy debauchery. Unfortunately, kicking in the NFL has been misrepresented by unathletic chumps like Martin Gramatica, Garo Yepremian, and Mike Vanderjagt. I know you may have your doubts about the Bad Boy potential of kickers but fear not, Sebastian Janikowski has defied all stereotypes of the kicking position set in place by his scrub predecessors. Let’s go over some of the categories that help define Seabass’s swagger.

1) Crime. McGruff the Crime Dog says crime doesn’t pay–I call bullshit when it comes to the top spot of kicking infamy. Any crime committed by a kicker or a punter makes them immediately relevant. These include, but are not limited to, tax evasion, boating while intoxicated, and hunting endangered species. My personal favorite is more of a crime of passion than crime for the sake of crime itself. Example: enter Mitch Cozad, who hails from the powerhouse Division 2 Northern Colorado Bears. On September 11, 2006, (Seriously? 9/11? Who the fuck commits a crime on 9/11?) Cozad ambushed the starting punter for his football team in a dimly lit parking lot. He left him with a deep gash on his kicking leg. You know what they say… if you’re not stabbing the guy ahead of you in his most valuable limb to take his starting job, you’re not trying. Can’t hate a guy for trying to move up the depth chart. Meanwhile, our boy Seabass has been arrested for multiple bar fights, reckless driving, drinking and driving, bribing a police officer, and possession of GHB, otherwise known as the date-rape drug. Point for Seabass!

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2) “Various activities” outside of football. We all have our vices. I like to drink, Nick Cannon likes to pretend he’s funny, and Jessica Simpson likes reminding us she’s too fertile to doing anything else. We’re all human–kickers and punters too. Case in point: NFL punter Chris Kluwe plays in a band and it’s fucking awesome. On the other hand, our boy Sebastian likes to enjoy a drink or thirty. Even his own mom said, “he drinks and he eats too much.” It’s easy to speculate that Seabass’s liquid intake is the reason for some of his more questionable activities. He was even rumored to have missed a game because he got his testicles pierced, although he denies this (who wouldn’t?).

3) Achievements. Believe it or not, kickers and punters have to be decorated in order to make this list. Tom Dempsey, who is tied with Seabass for longest field goal, was born without toes on his kicking foot. Mark Moseley, the 1982 NFL MVP, kicked his Redskins to the Super Bowl while wearing ten socks on his kicking foot. Classic kicking shenanigans. As for Seabass, the dude is a perennial pro-bowler, record holder, member of the 1999 Playboy All-America Team, and was taken in the first round of the NFL draft. Rumor has it Al Davis was high on mescaline when he drafted Seabass with the 17th overall pick in 2000. Rumor also has it that Seabass sold it to him.

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As you can see, Seabass has a long rap sheet. It’s so long, it looks like Greg Oden’s… nevermind, even I won’t go that far. Seeing that Seabass is European, it’s only natural that he has also has an affinity for the sport of soccer. Find me one Euro who doesn’t like soccer and I’ll find you one fedora-donning hipster who still uses Facebook. My point is it’s rare. You know what’s also rare? A GHB using, bar fighting, cop bribing, testicle piercing, vodka chugging, record holding, Polish NFL kicker. We salute you, Seabass. Welcome to the Bad Boy Hall of Fame.