The Hypocritical Oath

January 15, 2013

(Here is where every reader who has ever cringed at or suggested I curb my horrible language and penchant for the f-word lets out a well-deserved cackle.)

He said the word...hell.

(Here is where every other reader who could not give a flying fuck about my fucking language and who appreciates a good mastery of creative fucking obscenities also lets out a cackle, followed by a sigh and a YOU USED TO BE COOL, MAN.)

But yeah. Noah told Ezra to "get the hell out" of the bathroom. Twice!

Which, on the one hand: SERIOUSLY. HE WAS GOING. GET THE HELL OUT OF THE BATHROOM, EZRA.

But on the other hand: I heard it the first time and sternly reminded him that no, you do not talk to your brother using that kind of language, even though I COMPLETELY feel you, dude. I told Ezra to give Noah his privacy but was still within earshot when Noah repeated the slightly PG-rated command.

God fucking dammit, kid. Why you gotta make me give you shit?

I felt like a huge, self-aware tool as I sent him to his room and waited outside just long enough to let the YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW, CHILD, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A TALK sense of dread build a little bit. (Oh yes, that's how I roll.) And then we talked about That Word and why we don't use That Word Like That, especially at school or in front of his little brothers or other adults and blah blah disrespectfulcakes. Manners! Upbringing! Show the nice people that you weren't (entirely) raised by a pack of incompetent savages!

For the record, I actually think I'm pretty good at watching my language around the kids. At least compared to the potty-mouth I chose to procreate with, who is incapable of driving from point A to point B without letting a few choice words fly at That Fucking Idiot Asshole Over There, What The Hell Is He Doing, Jesus Christ. I've certainly had...moments, though, where I've caught myself a second too late and had to add a bunch of nonsense blibble flabble sounds to distract from the staccato'd motherfuck..uh...duck..uh...er that I accidentally let fly.

And yes, as curse words go, "get the hell out" is pretty low on the ratings scale, and could have easily been picked up from a wide number of sources, including movies and TV shows we've possibly deemed appropriate for him before noticing all the hells and damns peppered throughout. THOUGH AGAIN, JASON IS WORSE! JASON IS WORSE! He is the slowest remote-grabber in the world when watching something wildly inappropriate for children and will sit there engrossed in like, Showgirls or something for entire MINUTES before noticing that Ezra is standing there, grinning and pointing and saying, "Heh. Butt."

(That is actually a true story.)

Though speaking of Ezra, he once thoroughly impressed me when, as a still-fairly-new talker, he dropped a toy on the floor and let out a perfectly-placed OH SHIT.

As hilarious as it was (note: FUCKING HILARIOUS), that was the moment when I realized how spoiled Noah's initial speech delay and refusal to mimic anything had made us. Noah never repeated anything we said! So we never had to worry! And now we did! It was like...as if...how does that saying go? SHIT JUST GOT REAL Y'ALL.

But yesterday marked the first time any of my children deliberately, knowingly swore (at least in my presence, anyway) and I hope I did not bungle it too badly. I didn't want to make a huge deal out of it but also do not want to get regular calls from the principal's office or his friends' parents...so, sorry, kiddo. You're gonna have to do what your mother did and watch that mouth until you get a summer job in high school, where you will learn all sorts of delightful new words and combinations in the employee breakroom, and you will revel in the freedom to weave them into a colorful tapestry of adolescent offensiveness on a daily basis.

And then hopefully we can have a laugh over that time I sent you to your room for telling your brother to get the hell out of the bathroom. God, what a bitch I was sometimes, right? LOL.

Comments

When my son was about 4 he and my husband were playing Candyland. My husband drew the Gingerbread man card, which (for those unfamiliar) makes you go back to nearly the beginning of the board. When my husband said "Oh man!" my son asked to look at the card and proceeded to scream out to me in the kitchen "Mama! Dada got the fuckin gingerbread man." He has also been in trouble at school (1st grade) recently when he expressed his displeasure at having to come in early from recess because it was raining by stating, to no one in particular but within earshot of the teacher, "this is bullshit." All I can say is this is my karma. God. Dammit.

When my oldest started playing around with swear words when she was 4, the car became the "say anything" place. She could cuss as much as she wanted as long as she was in the car. I mean, that's where she heard the cussing in the first place. She got to experiment with the words in a safe place and was able to keep her mouth shut in all the inappropriate places. This worked for all three of my kids. At least until they became teenagers.

My husband is the worst when we're out driving - I can't tell you the number of times he's dropped F-bombs and whatever else in front of our 3.5 year old daughter.

What takes the cake, though, is when he was driving and someone was driving too slow in front of him, and our daughter shouted: "Find the pedal, Jack Black!" Which of course was really supposed to be Jack Ass, so I guess we should be thankful that she knows who Jack Black is from The Muppets Movie??

my middle son at 2.5 was frequently using "dammit" {in context too} and it is all my fault. I think we have him {mostly} broken of it. And there was one time I sat down on his bed and one of the flimsy support boards broke and I said "shit!" and my little myna bird promptly mimiced it. Sigh.
Oh, and my 6.5 yo just recently got a warning on the bus for lifting his middle finger at another little boy. We had a talk with him about how it is the same as saying 'bad' words. And I think he got it.

I decided to let my middle schooler swear at home as long as he kept it in check at school, in front of grandparents and other impressionable adults, and in public places. He complied and then came home from a cross country meet featuring lots of other schools and announced that a kid from school JW had told another kid, "suck my dick." My son wanted to know what that meant. I explained (he was horrified) and then said, swear away, but don't EVER let me hear that come out of your mouth. I believe this means I have standards. Ha.

When my first one was 2 (she was a very early, very GOOD, talker), she was bouncing on the couch one evening repeating fuckin' hell, fuckin' hell, over and and over again. We were shocked and flabbergasted and both denied being the responsible party. I vowed then and there to clean up my language. 2nd child, like your Noah, had speech issues. We never worried about her repeating us, and if she did, she probably couldn't pronounce it anyway. Now of course, she lets the d word fly. 3rd child is 4 1/2, also didn't talk until 3. One of his first words was dammit. We managed to convince him that saying dam...beavers ('cause, you know, beavers make dams!)was just as good. Last week he was sitting on the toilet and called me in to wipe him. He stood up, looked down and said, "what the hell is that?" I looked down and said, "what the hell IS that?" Eh, as long as it stays at home:)

I love when I have no one to blame but myself. I grew up near you Amy, but live in a town where my accent is very noticeable. So when my kids say "jackass", with my accent on the "A", it's all my doing. Oops!

Sounds to me like you did just fine. While I try hard to watch my language, I do slip up. I've told my kids that swearing is a privilege for grownups only, like driving a car and drinking alcohol. They will get their swearing license when they are old enough to do so responsibly ;-) So far this has worked! (Boys 9, 6, and 3).

If it makes you feel any better, I just had to reprimand my 9 year old for using the word fucking, as in "come on already you fucking (video) game". (and yes, she was playing a computer game at the time too - I am most likely going straight to hell)

hehe...Ezra's 'shit' comment was nothing compared to the note we got from his daycare. It seemed that Evan (a whopping 2 or 3 years old at the time) said, 'shit, shit, shit' because he dropped something. And then he proceeded to TEACH THE OTHER KIDS about his great new word. We couldn't decide whether we should laugh hysterically or scold this tiny little poppet over his egregious behavior.

Everyone who has children and siblings has uttered those words. Because, seriously... Get the hell out of the bathroom!
My youngest's first time swearing was when he was about 4. He walked downstairs and banged his elbow on the doorway, to which he exclaimed "son of a bitch!" My favorite, though, is my daughter. The 5 of us (mom, dad, 3 kids) were in the car, and out of nowhere, my daughter says "Mom, do you know what word you haven't said in a while? Shit." Their dad glared at me. But I said "Hey! She SAID haven't said it in a while! Yay me!"

My kids remind me every. damn. year. that in like the year 2010 my new year's resolution (was to quit swearing and I most decidedly did NOT keep that resolution. Yeah, I know...who gives a shit, right?

I startled the dog the other day, and my 4 year told me that "You scared the hell out of Buddy." We had a little talk about words we don't say and how mommy says things she isn't supposed to sometimes too. I'm definitely the bigger potty mouth in my house. But so far the admissions of me messing up sometimes and the serious tone of voice has stopped Liv from too many repeat incidents.

Yesterday, after a weekend of reading "the flu is going to kill you, the flu is going to kill you" articles, I realized that I hadn't gotten a flu shot. So I went to Walgreens, with my 1-year-old, my 3-year-old, and approximately eleventy billion of my closest friends.

3-year-old took "We're Going on a Bear Hunt" to read.

After we've been sitting there for a couple of hours, she says to me "Look, mommy, look at this dirty mother on the back here."

I was horrified. The people around me were horrified. And then I looked at the back of the book, and the mother of the family has dirty shoes. She is, in fact, a dirty mother.

So what am I going to do when she starts actually swearing? I think your model is great, by the way.

My mom to this still likes to tell the story of when her 2 year old daughter told her grandmother that a "fluffin hash hoe" made her mommy mad. Turns out, someone had cut my mom off on the drive to nana's and she called his a fuckin asshole. My nana had no clue what I had said, my mom vowed (and, uh, really failed at that) to cut back on her swearing. My son is just starting to say some words and I already know we are screwed when it comes to the swearing...

Now 14 year old, at around 3, loved curse words. In one conversation she she dropped Dammit, and when my MIL looked at her, she stated "That's right, I said Dammit." She then told me she hated me when I explained that little girls don't use that word. You know, I hate you cause you won't let me say dammit. She's a lovely young lady now that (almost) never lets those words fly now. :)

Son watched Jeff Dunham with the hubs, then had a 10 minute conversation about Shit. Only he kept saying it Sheeeit. Drawn out and southern. I was dying laughing, which didn't help the hubs at all. I told him it was all his fault.

My stepson, that sweet angelic, adorable, little darling (who might be the reason I married his Dad...kidding) called me a fucker. At church. Because I wouldn't give him a SECOND mini-muffin that would surely ruin his lunch. A fucker. (A word we really don't use in my house. Maybe an occasional "fuck" slips out, but never around the little guy. He learned it from his Mother.) I took a Mommy time-out and Daddy handled the incident, but I still laugh when I recount the story [to my friends].

When I was 2, I was playing with Play Doh and it went shooting across the table. I let out with "God damn it!" My parents decided not to punish me because I used it correctly.

On another occasion, my Nana and my Mom were driving me while it was raining. I let out from the back seat "Jesus Christ it's raining!" At which my Nana proceeded to yell at my Mom that she should watch her language around me. Except that, that particular phrase is all my Nana, my Mom doesn't use it - ever!

My husband has that driving habit, as well, which is why from the first time my girl innocently repeated "dammit," we've told her those words are "driving words" that she isn't allowed to say until she can drive. Interestingly, she's never sworn in front of me, nor has any teacher or friend's mom ever told me she's sworn. I'm not saying this to brag but more in complete shock that it worked, thank fuck.

When my daughter was 3 she was at a neighbor's playing. I phoned their house to let them know it was time for her to come home. I could hear my neighbor say to my daughter "It's time to go home" and I heard my daughter's sweet little voice reply "Son of a bitch!" Mortification! That was the first and only time my daughter swore (she is 13 now). Fortunately my neighbor had a good sense of humor about it!

This reminds me of the time our daughter went to "teen camp," which was sort of a day camp for kids too old for daycare, but too young to be left home alone all summer long (she was probably 11 or 12). Teen camp went on lots of cool field trips. They had a "swear jar," and she had no idea that "shit" was considered a swear word.

I felt so bad for her, because clearly I hadn't done my job in teaching her the complete list of specific words to avoid. "Shit" and "hell" are not a big deal to us, although now that I think of it, I do filter them out in formal-ish settings like work.

We finally got to the point where we started a "swear jar" in our house. Every time you swore you had to chip in 25 cents, except that the f-bomb was $1. And then there was the memorable night where my older son paid in advance and let loose with a string of obscenities against his younger brother. The jar worked (even I had to chip in), and after a while we didn't need it any more and gave the money to charity.

OMG! This post is awesome! I'm glad we're not the only parents who slip and swear around the kids (my husband is way worse, no filter around the kids). The stories from all the other posters are pretty great too. :)

I'm the one with the potty mouth that I just cannot get under control, and my daughter is over 3.5 yrs. She has said "fucking" a couple of times and once when I stopped at "Sonofa..." she finished with "bitch". I talk to her about how mommy shouldn't say those words and how she will get in trouble for saying them in front of friends. Trouble is I just don't care about "bad" language at all. As long as it isn't directed at someone, i.e. "You fucking asshole" I don't think it's a big deal. Stub your toe and say, "Fucking hell!" Meh, makes sense to me.

Being slow on the remote, though, is totally my husband. I went out for an errand sans kids a couple days ago and when I came back he told me he probably shouldn't have been watching the movie "Pirhana" with our daughter there. I asked him why he didn't just change the channel and he gave me a blank look like that hadn't even occurred to him.

Quite frankly after all of the potty talk I've heard during the last five years, swearing would be a refreshing change. If anyone in this house calls me a poopy butt ONE MORE TIME I am going to fucking lose my shit.

I'm a Navy brat...married to an Army guy. If I'm not cursing in my f'ing head I'm cursing while talking pretty much 85% of the day. Army guy was gone for a year deployment and had been home for less then 12 hours. We went to lunch kid #1 was 3ish Army guy was driving (first mistake sigh post deployment but I was so excited to not drive somewhere!!) Army guy was cut off by someone and let's fly with a fucking fuckers at the guy in the Honda in front of us. 2 seconds later said 3 year old let's out a fucking fuckers at the top of his lungs. I turned to Army guy and said "really..I had him sole property for a year and he didn't pick up the f-bomb from me..you're here for less then 12 hours and this is what you teach him?" Have never let him live that down. LOL

At the beginning of the school year, my 3rd grader's class was studying communities. And they discussed family as a community. And the teacher asked if anyone had a younger brother or sister, and my son (my sweet, sweet, innocent son) said, "I have a younger brother. Sometimes it sucks." And his Catholic school teacher got upset an told him if he ever said that word again he'd have to go to the Principal's office.

So home comes my sweet, sweet, innocent son and asks, "Why is suck a bad word? You and Daddy say it all the time." FUCKING HELL. All of the words you've heard us say, THANK JESUS that's the one you chose to repeat in class.

So we had to have a conversation about what "suck" means, and how it's probably not cool to:
a. Use it at school (or your grandmother's houses, DEAR GOD)
and
b. Hurtful. I mean, what if your four-year-old brother realized what you said? Wouldn't it hurt his feelings to know that you think it sucks to have him as a younger brother? Although, let's be honest: sometimes having a younger brother DOES suck. (And I said this all to him and he looked at me like I'd lost my ever loving mind, but said, "Yeah. It would. And I guess sometimes it sucks having me as an older brother. So we're even. But I won't use that word again.")

DH was digging a massive hole in the front yard to fix a sprinkler leak (on Halloween no less - looked like an open grave!) and our then 3 yo walked over, peered into the hole, then chucked a bigass rock right onto DH's head. DH screams GOD DAMMIT! not realizing the small fry was responsible.

For the next hour, we heard the boy yelling (YELLING) God Dammit! over and over and over, despite our protestations that that is a Daddy word, not a kid word. Finally I heard him saying it in a sing-songy voice - when I glared at him he said, "I'm not saying that word, I'm SINGING it."

How can you argue with that?

This post has a lot of great alternate swearing options: http://jasongood.net/365/2013/01/the-g-rated-phraseology-of-motherhood/

When The Boy was about three years old, he was "helping" His Father do some plumbing. It had started out as a simple replace-the-faucet job, but it didn't end there. The house was so old, and the original pipes were so fragile, that every time he'd grip the pipe with the wrench, it would break. Off to the hardware store he'd go to buy a length of replacement pipe, only to get home and have it happen all over again. He screamed, he cursed, he threw tools, and ended up replacing the entire run of pipe, clear back to the water main. As he was tightening the last connection, he looked down and saw The Boy gazing back up at him solemnly. In a quiet little voice he asked, "Is that one a cock sucker, too, Daddy?"

I love all the swear stories here! Both of my boys (now 7 and 4), at about the age of 3, let the F-word fly in driving-related incidents. My oldest, upon observing what he felt was poor driving by another person, hollered out "I say Fuck, like Daddy!" I nearly crashed the car, laughing hysterically (and then called my husband to let him know he'd been tattled on.) My youngest, on the other hand, would holler out "Fuck! Dammit" every time he heard a car horn honk. So, every time we beeped our car door locks, he'd let it fly...often in our church parking lot. Oye.

Oh, how we try to shield others from the accidental (or purposeful) cursing of our children. I try not to cuss around them but stupid motherfuckers be driving, so...

When my oldest was two, she said dammit when she dropped a toy. I was oddly proud. When she was 9 and the middle girl 6, the middle says: There was a bad word written in the bathroom today. The "s" word. Nine says, stupid isn't a bad word. Six says, well, it can be if you mean it in a bad way. But I was talking about shit.

And then there's the boy. We thought it was cute that he'd say fuck instead of truck and even cuter to make him say what the truck or truck that. And now, at 3, when he purposely said shit after he hit his head? Thems be the breaks. And a whole lot of shits, damns, and fucks.

Great post and love the comments! Recently my not-quite-3-year-old was at my mom's for dinner, and when Nanny put green beans on her plate L. looked down and muttered "Dammit!" My mom looked at my dad and asked, "What did she say?" so L. looked up and said loudly, "DAMMIT! I don't yike dose gween beans!"

We are a house of sailors as well & we make no effort to censor ourselves. Of course we don't make sexual jokes/phrases or anything but a sentence is rarely uttered in our home without an F bomb being included.

From day one, we have always told our 10 year old daughter that they are "adult words." I refuse to call them "bad words" because they aren't & we aren't bad for using them. Just like most of things in life, sex, drinking, tattoos, smoking, etc. There are things for adults & things for kids. If she wants to tell me to so suck a fucking goat dick when she is 18 then more power to her but until then, she isn't allowed to use adult words.

Well...except that one time at Baptist preschool when one child asked what Jesus' full name was & she quickly piped up with "It's Jesus Fucking Christ! That's what my mama said." That was the only time she has ever in her 10 years of life said anything in public.

I'm a fellow hypocrite. I occasionally engage in extremely colorful language. I'm also a teacher, in charge of molding and guiding respectful language at school. This year's class of first graders would sometimes bust out with an "Oh my God!" which I would ask them to change to "Oh my gosh!" Non-offensive religious-wise and lower on the sass meter, right? I was chagrined to have a first grader primly inform me one day, "I'M not allowed to say 'gosh'" after hearing me encourage a classmate to use that phrase.
Me: (does my student now think I have a potty mouth?!)

Ahahaha!! That's funny. When my oldest boy was two or three, my parents were babysitting him so the husband and I could have date night. They took him a nice restaurant and when the waitress placed his plate of food in front of him he said "What the hell is this?" really loud. My mom, who is the most soft-spoken and seriously religious woman in the world, was *mortified*. The worst one though was my youngest's slip of the tongue. When he was about two, my husband and I got into a fight and in a moment of absolute awfulness on my end, I yelled "fuck you" at him when I *thought* the kids were asleep. Fast forward a day or so later, my boys get into a squirmish and my youngest yells "Fuck you, Tristan, you hurtta da mouth, fuck you!", because apparently Tristan hurt his mouth. So yeah, I felt like an awful mom right about then.

This is where being a British expat comes into its own. The most frequently used swear words in our house are "bloody" and "bugger," which don't have much force at all here in the US. It amuses us that many Americans don't even know what "bugger" means, and are usually quite shocked when we tell them!
...We just have to hope that our little darlings don't repeat the words when (English) grandma comes to visit!

I tried to train myself very early to substitute words so that the kids would pick up on them ("Son of a...preacher man!" and "jackhole" were popular for awhile), but some still slip through. My daughter got scolded in 5th grade for "What the...?" since it was IMPLIED cursing. Thank dog she's in public school now, because sticking to something so strict is just bat-guano crazy.

I was very proud of myself when one of the boys was little and got frustrated and let out a loud "Dag-GONE-it!" I'm really glad the kids can't go back in time to when I was in college, because having them repeat "You fucking son of a toothless whore" would not be good.

I am so glad to see I am not alone. When my oldest was about 2 she told me "Mama, a damn it is when you drop something." So wise at just 2. Recently I was in the car with my youngest who is 2 and we hit an unexpected traffic jam so now every time I hit the brakes in the car she says "oh shit!." Oops.

When my oldest was 2.5, I may have had a TINY bit of road rage. She and I were at the gas station on a nice, balmy sunny, California day. I'd gotten out to put the gas in the car and left the windows open so she and I could hear each other. My cheeky daughter had learned how to undo her car seat buckles and was a super duper talker. I was watching the price on the fuel ticking its way up while she, undid her buckles, climbed into the front seat, and slammed her fist on the horn while screaming "FUUUUUCK!", at the top of her lungs. Everyone else refilling their cars thought it was hilarious while I was mortified.

Last year my son when to say something and said "Sh..ooot". I turned and said, "you going to say Shit" He said "NOOOOOO" and I said, "Don't think I don't know that you are swearing on the bus with your friends" and he said, "How'd you know?" I replied, "You just told me!" Umm...yeah...booyah!

FWIW, I completely get the whole "intentionally, knowingly" and that's why you punished him. Not hypocritical. And I curse more than I should. My 8 yr old was watching her beloved baseball team blow it in the playoffs this fall and was incredibly upset. She let slip "F*&k" at a really bad play and I was shocked. Actually so was she and given the context I let it go. But, if she had repeated out of anger then there would be consequences. As my husband said, at least she used it properly.

Lula kept repeating "the hammer is my penis" and giggling (totally my fault) so I put on the STERN FACE and told her that wasn't appropriate. She chirped, "Okay Mommy. I won't say it at school." I was about to launch into a sermon about inappropriate words being inappropriate everywhere, but realized her solution worked just fine and I shut the hell up.

When I was a kid, I didn't know the difference between heck and hell and I didn't think either was a bad word. My mom cursed around me all the time. Then one time when I was around 7, I was repeating something my mom had said to my dad, and used the word hell - because she had! He scolded me and I'll never forget it - "that's not a word for a little girl to use!" and I was so embarrassed but also confused. Because my mom threw it around all the time!