As I'm sure you figured out from yesterday's post, I lost someone in my life this past week. He was an ex-boyfriend, but still a friend. Even though we hadn't talked in years, his passing hit me like a ton of bricks in the stomach. I still find myself getting a heartache when I think about it too long.

The reason I share this with you, is so you can pass this along. I share this because he took his own life. He had been battling depression (or some form of mental illness) since before I had met him six and a half years ago. This was his first attempt. I ended up in an ER room with him one night after an attempt. After getting him home afterwards, I made him promise to call me before he ever tried anything like this again.

Since then I had lost his phone number. And a day or two before he passed, I have a bunch of missed phone calls from a number from my state. I have a lot of wonder if that was him, trying to keep at least one promise he made to me. I'll never know, and honestly don't want to. I don't think I could handle that amount of guilt if it was.

He left behind two kids. Young kids. The oldest only being six or seven. I think about them, and I can't help but cry a little. I know how much their daddy loved them. They were his reason for breathing. They are why he held on for so long.

I can tell you this. Everyone that I know that knew him, there are holes in all of us now. There is so much loss and pain and confusion. We didn't get to say goodbye. None of us knew that we had already said our last words to him. What were they? Were they anger? Sadness? Love? Hope? Loss?

I myself have tried killing myself too. Most of you have read that post. I know in that moment, part of me thought people would be happier without me. No one would miss me. I was doing them a favor.

I can tell you now, none of that is true. None of it. Not a single word. I can't describe the loss I feel. So you can only imagine what his family is feeling. His wife, kids, parents, brother. My heart aches constantly. I don't know how they are still functioning.

So... that leaves me with this.

Dear Sad, Lonely Person Who Is Wanting To Do "Everyone Else a Favor," I know you are hurting. I know you are in pain. I've felt that same pain. I've hurt so bad that this seems like the only solution. I know that you feel like you can make everyone happier by just disappearing. I've been in that hole. I know you can't see the light. But let me tell you something. You are just in one moment of your life. This will pass. You may struggle, you may actually hurt worse than you are now, but keep clinging on. It's worth it in the end. Use this rock bottom as a foundation for the rest of your amazing life. And I can tell you with confidence, you will be missed. We will all cry at hearing about you passing. We will all fall to our nears, gasping for breath, trying to wake up from this nightmare we find ourselves in. We will think about how you have touched our lives, and hate ourselves for not telling you more often. We will spend days thinking if there was something we could have done. If there was a moment we could have intervened. And we will cry. Then, we will think of your family. And we will cry harder. We will realize how much your family will have to struggle to get out of bed every morning. If you have kids, we will wonder how they are doing. We will wonder if they know that this wasn't their fault. That their mommy or daddy didn't leave them. They didn't want to leave you. But they felt you were better off. We will imagine if your daughter will cry on her wedding day, wishing her father was there to walk her down the aisle. We will imagine if your son will hold his daughter for this first time, and shed a tear because his mom isn't there to say how happy she is to be a grandma. I can promise you that you will never be forgotten. They rest of our lives, there will be moments we wish we could tell you and share with you. There will never be a day that our mind doesn't wander to you for at least a moment. There won't be a year that passes that we won't wish you were here with us. So before you take that knife, gun, rope, or pills. Wait a moment. Think of all the things you will miss. Think of all the people that will be left with a hole in their hearts, no matter how distant you think they are. Think about why you've held on for so long, and hang on for a moment longer. Because this moment will pass. The sun will come out again, and just like me, you'll love your life again. You'll love you again. You'll love again. This I promise you... And you will be missed...

So thoughtful of you to write this even when you are hurt yourself. It sure is very encouraging and I hope the readers draw strength from this post.

Sorry to hear about your friend. May his family be blessed with strength.

Great to have you partying with us at Wake Up Wednesdays.

Co-host,
Tanya
http://tanyaanurag.blogspot.com/

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Maniac Mom

My name is Kristen and I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. This is my hysterical journey as a mom of two dealing with life twists and turns while trying to not let my "crazy" get too out of hand. I strive to be a happily depressed mom.Grab a cup of coffee or a shot of vodka and bask in the mania!