I’m a DISRUPT-HER

“A DISRUPT-HER questions everything in her own life, in culture and society to ensure that she is maximizing her life experiences before it’s over like a flash in the pan. A DISRUPT-HER understands that there are only 21,000 days to live from the point we graduate college to the point we die and she deeply gets that time is the most non-renewable resource we have. Thus, she is razor focused on creating the most value for herself, her community and the world while she is here for said short amount of time. As Thoreau said ‘I want to live deep and suck the marrow out of life…’ So with our mortality in mind (or as I’d like to call it the “holy shitness of being alive”), a DISRUPT-HER is unafraid to charge forward and try new things, even if the terrain ahead is rocky and uncertain.

She is bold and proud to be fully embodied as herself, flaws and all; she speaks up and shares her thoughts, even if society might be trying to quelch her ‘new kind of thinking’. A DISRUPT-HER doesn’t have ‘fail’ or ‘failure’ in her vocabulary, she only sees every experience as an opportunity to learn and grow – and she prides herself on making any attempt at all in her passionate pursuits. A DISRUPT-HER knows that HATE-HERS exist who want to take her down and also that LOVE-HERS exist too, who want to champion her in her pursuits. A DISRUPT-HER also knows that HATE-HERS are only HATE-HERS when hurt themselves so she’s learned not to take it too personally.

A DISRUPT-HER believes that being a mother should be on her resume (not be seen as a detriment at the office), knowing that women can take care of another life selflessly, around the clock even if sick or exhausted, can multi-task and are very efficient with their time. So unless we question, challenge and then disrupt all aspects of our lives can we live a more excited, impassioned, lit up existence filled with adventure, love, friendship and fulfilling work that creates a positive ripple effect for generations to come.” – “DISRUPT-HER” Miki Agrawal’s book coming out Sept 2018

This is an excerpt from Miki Agrawal’s new book, which I cannot wait to come out as I have been looking forward to it since I first heard about it in July. The book has been described as:

“a personal development manifesto that explores the good, bad, and ugly for women who want to disrupt social norms, remove the filters that are holding them back, and design more successful and meaningful professional and personal lives.”

I think what attracts me to Miki Agrawal, her work, and this book is her ability to “disrupt social norms… even if society might be trying to quelch her new kind of thinking.'” I have a lot of people in my life who I feel try to quelch my new kind of thinking; many of them have my best interest at heart and are only trying to protect me from getting hurt or hurting others or causing a DISRUPT-HERTION. Nevertheless, it is frustrating when people you love and care about don’t understand or agree with you. It’s frustrating when people you don’t love or care about don’t understand or agree with you. It’s tough to be different, to object, and to stand up or out…

Last night I wrote a blog post entitled “I’m Uptight,” which I did not publish and may at some other time. In writing it, I realized a lot of what I was saying or using as criteria to self-diagnose myself with “uptightness” was not in fact uptight at all; it was me standing up for what I believe in and being true to myself and my values, even if that makes me different from others, draws attention to myself, or makes me a sight for sore eyes. Some of the examples of my “uptightness” are as follows:

I don’t drink alcohol

I don’t smoke tobacco, pot, or anything else

I don’t eat sugar, wheat, flour, or dairy

I don’t stay out very late

I like things a certain way

I don’t find lots of jokes that others find funny, funny. For example, I rarely find jokes about the holocaust funny. I make fun of myself and others, but I often don’t find jokes that come at the expense of others funny.

I don’t like being teased, made fun of, or called names of any kind- pet names, cute names, mean names.

I won’t date men that drink a lot or within the first few minutes of meeting, they tell me that they drink a lot.

I have deal breakers in all areas of my life- work, life, play, relationships and beyond. This makes me feel rigid and uptight when in reality, it is me setting healthy boundaries for myself. I know what I want and what I don’t want. I know what makes me comfortable and what makes me uncomfortable. The challenge is getting better at expressing it and not feeling so self-conscious about saying what I actually want, need, or feel.

The reason I feel these things make me uptight is my own self-consciousness, and the way people respond. Whether they respond this way or not, this is what I hear or imagine, “It’s just a joke, Taylor,” “Loosen up, you’re so tightly wound,” “Can’t you take a joke. You’re no fun.”

When, maybe in reality, what I am doing is going against societal norms. It is very odd to find someone my age that does not drink or use any drugs. It’s even rarer to find someone who does not drink or eat sugar, wheat, flour, or dairy. These choices and allergies can feel very isolating for me. My friends and most of my family are extremely supportive, but I still feel self-conscious going out to restaurants and naming off my laundry list of items I don’t eat. I feel judged by the waiter or waitress and sometimes by the company I am with. It makes first dates very tricky. A guy recently unmatched me on Bumble when I said I don’t drink alcohol. I judge myself for this and imagine others do the same.

I judge myself and then project my own judgement onto others and assume I know what they are thinking about me. I listen to other people’s stories and compare them with mine, fill in the blanks, and tell myself stories that are not true.

I want to embrace more of my DISRUPT-HER- the part of me that is bold and embraces my flaws and imperfections and speaks up even when no one else agrees with me. I know I’m young, but I do constantly feel this sense that life is short and I would like to maximize my time here by doing things that matter to me. To being more razor focused on creating the most value for myself, my community, and the world.