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Friday, April 3, 2009

black holes and revelations (literally, though)

I am totally swamped with pregnant people and people with new babies. Literally tripping over them all day like so many spare socks. Elementary school friends, high school friends, college friends, mama friends.

And it's wonderful.

Before baking the Biscuit in my metaphorical oven, I had never known a pregnant woman personally. Never watched someone familiar go through the three-trimester dance of elation, sickness, insomnia, hunger, raging hunger, insanely ravenous hunger, hugeness, swollen discomfort, labor, and baby. And now i've done it twice myself and have learned sincere joy in watching friends shrink and expand like accordions as they produce these amazing little people.

That's one of my favorite parts-- when I finally get to see who's been in there the whole time, kicking under my pal's shirt across the table while we share some crescent rolls stuffed with chocolate.

Which started my mind reminiscing today, and I thought I would share with you a sweet little confession about my labor with t.rex, whose swollen, goo-covered, gigantically spheroid noggin is pictured above, sarcastically requesting an end to the 3 hour repetition of the song Africa by Toto.

Yes, you heard that right. I made my husband, doulas, midwife, nurses, and every other godforsaken victim in earshot listen to Toto's song Africa for 3 WHOLE HOURS.

I suspect I will one day be shown a contract with a minor demon signed in my amniotic fluid that allowed such an event to occur.

But that's not the sweet little secret on the table.

My water broke around midnight, and we were at the hospital within a few hours. I was hooked up to a polar bear radio tracking device and sent to walk the halls to help labor progress. Which it didn't.

Again, another story.

I grabbed my iPod and bopped along to all sorts of favorites from Gnarls Barkley to Red Hot Chili Peppers to Ben Folds. And then I hit on Black Holes and Revelations by Muse, and I got to the song Starlight, and I totally lost it. I was walking up and down the halls, alone at 4am, enormous, laboring, tears pouring down my face with joy because of this song, thinking about singing to my baby that I just wanted to hold him in my arms.

And now I can.

It was such a private, beautiful little epiphany. I mean, you understand all along that you're having a baby, but then it strikes you that the baby has to come out, and that's probably going to suck. But then it finally hits you like a snowball in the pie hole that you're going to be holding a tiny little scruncher in the next 24 hours, and it's an unbelievable, pivotal, gigantic moment, and you know that nothing, NOTHING, will ever be the same again.

So here are the lyrics to Starlight, which will always remind me of that night.

As will Africa, but that, again, is another story.

Far awayThe ship is taking me far awayFar away from the memoriesOf the people who care if I live or die

StarlightI will be chasing the starlightUntil the end of my lifeI don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my armsI just wanted to holdYou in my arms

My lifeYou electrify my lifeLet's conspire to igniteAll the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I'll never let you goIf you promised not to fade awayNever fade away

Our hopes and expectationsBlack holes and revelationsOur hopes and expectationsBlack holes and revelations

Hold you in my armsI just wanted to holdYou in my arms

Far awayThe ship is taking me far awayFar away from the memoriesOf the people who care if I live or die

And I'll never let you goIf you promise not to fade awayNever fade away

Our hopes and expectationsBlack holes and revelationsOur hopes and expectationsBlack holes and revelations

Hold you in my armsI just wanted to holdYou in my armsI just wanted to hold

6 comments:

I don't know the song (I'm old, what can I say, I sang folksongs during my labors...in between growls and bellows and "press my back, there" and watching the skunk dance in my cabin). But it made me cry. My middle child, my daughter, turned 24 yesterday. It's all still pretty vivid.You'll find out!

You attacked motherhood with grace,artistry, logic and heart. As always, I'm very proud and in awe of you for the way you are raising T. Rex and the Biscuit. They are turning out to be as wonderful as you (with a healthy dash of Dr Crog). Continue to trust your big ol' heart...you're doin' a great job! luv mom