Thursday, April 23, 2009

National Kinkiest Komic Karacter Finals

In all my vacationing and photo-editing (and you really should check out my vacation pics), I have neglected a very important piece of unfinished business. We must now pick the winner in the National Kinkiest Komix Karacter Kontest. It's time for the apples to oranges final round where we pit the winners against each other head to head.The criteria used to decide the final winner is completely up to you. You can go Westminster Dog Show style and decide which one best exemplifies the best of breed. Or you can measure kinkiness in absolute terms. Or go with your personal kink and vote for strip you would most like to star in a porn knock-off of. It's all in your hands, so to speak. Now let's review the results and handicap the field.

In the most stunning upset of this year's contest, Ted and Sally squeaked by Arlo and Janis. I had expected this race to be a runaway. Frankly, I blame complacence on the part of Jimmy Johnson. A link from Francesco Marciuliano's Medium Large sent not insignificant traffic to this blog and while there was no overt ballot stuffing campaign (not that I would discourage one) it seemed to have been enough to let the Forths win by a nose. Just a few days ago, A&J raised the bar again with what is known in the parlance of Miley Cyrus photoshoots as 'implied nudity' with this strip:

Never underestimate the power of purple tights. The hunky jungle hunk handily beat out the more conventionally clothed soap guys. I really don't have a theory except that the other guys just don't work hard enough to keep the home fires lit. In the Judge Parker sub-category Sam Driver easily outdrove now-titular Randy Parker (and there is an innuendo-laden porn name if there ever was one) by over five to one.

Edda's sexual awakening in Vienna seems to have warmed the hearts (among other places) of her fans. Her now active love live pushed her past still-cock-teasing Toni Daytona, who had one the last time these two faced off. The furry crowd was heard from in the comments with both Cassandra Cat and Ashley Bengal getting write-ins. And while this would make a great undercard, you people are really sick.

Nobody really gave the Chinbeard of Charterstone any real competition. The pool-lounging beer-bellied bear with the undeservedly hot beard (and I'm talking about Toby here) is clearly master of this domain. How he can do against better looking competitors in the finals is unclear. This category had the best write-ins with Mark Trail's gone but not forgotten Molly and Comics Curmudgeon real-life bear Dingo both getting notices.

Margo never had any serious competition and won by a 2-1 margin, the largest in any category this year. I just have to say that her disciples are a forgiving lot. Margo is mean, badly tempered and rather frigid. But hey, if that is what you like, who am I to argue? Closest competitor June Morgan is going to have to up her game if she ever expects to be a contender.

I expected the MILF category to be more competitive that it was, but the readers went old-school and voted by bra size, naming comics zombie Blondie Bumstead as their favorite. Seventy-five years old and her milkshake is still bringing the boys to the yard. This category which had the most nominees also had the most varied write-ins. Moms garnering mention included Lois Flagstone, Janis (sans Arlo), Rose (is Rose) Gumbo, Boopsie (another long-in-the-tooth hottie), and the moms from Cul-de-Sac and One Big Family whose nominators didn't even know their names (Madeline Otterloop and Ellen respective for the record).

5 comments:

This...this is so unexpected! Who knew that when I wrote that several-month story arc about Ted and Sally in unending coitus that it would lead to this shocking victory?! I'd like to thank Yellojkt for thinking we ever had a chance, the voters for seeing the sheer, unbridled sexual magnetism that is the Forths and both my agent and the big guy upstairs for making this all happen. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

This is really tough and I’m not sure what approach to take. Only two of my picks won their division this time out (Edda and the Phantom) and I seriously considered two other winners (Prof. Ian and Margo) before picking one of their competitors. Traditionally, I’ve gone with the Westminster approach, but some of Yello’s other options are interesting. Porn knock-off would have to be Edda. I don’t swing in any way that would apply to our male contestants, Sally doesn’t do anything for me, Blondie is too damn old, and Margo is just too crazy. Kinkiest, I’d have to write in Sarge. On top of his semi-closeted BDSM relationship with Beetle, he obviously has a food fetish and may be a furry.

But let’s take the Westminster approach and look for best of show.

Ted & Sally: Strong contenders. I’m willing to believe that they get up to all sorts of weird things when Hil’s in bed or better yet on a sleepover somewhere. Maybe they go for the obvious and Ted tries hard not to blurt out his safe word, or maybe they switch roles. Or it could be like I suggested and they go for some sort of cosplay. MacMillan and Wife may have been a little too early, though. I’ll stick with my Ark II suggestion or maybe Land of the Lost (does Sally keep a Sleestak costume hidden somewhere?). Maybe Ces can enlighten us.

The Phantom: Spandex, undies on the outside, mask, lives in a cave, hangs out with fire-plug shaped natives. Sounds pretty kinky. OTOH, he is a dedicated family man and apparently has no trouble at all resisting the wiles of strangely blonde Indian women. He’s probably pretty vanilla.

Edda: Hot, hot, and hawt. An active fantasy life and she probably still fits into her school uniform. An A-1, hubba hubba TILF, but to be honest, I’m not sure there’s anything really kinky there.

Ian Cameron: A pompous windbag who has an odd way of saving money on razors. He must have something going for him in order to keep Toby from stepping out on him, possibly something involving fear and physical punishment, but we never see the slightest hint.

Margo: The other really strong contender. I’m just going to repeat what I said before. Margo is the devil incarnate in a purple twin set. She can kill with a flick of her scarf, reduce a man’s ego to atoms, and rip out his beating heart and consume it whole before he drops dead. Her fashion sense does leave something to be desired and she does occasionally fall hard for one of her victims. Also she has the attention span of a kitten with ADHD. Then there is the fact that she is utterly bugfuck crazy; that may be a plus or a minus, depending on your taste. < /end repeat >

Blondie: I don’t really see it. An overly made-up zombie. Okay, she enables Dagwood’s food fetish, but he isn’t involved here. There have been suggestions that she and the dog have something going on, which is even kinkier considering the Daisy is female.

Ted & Sally versus Margo. I’m not ashamed to admit that Margo just plain scares me. Curled up in the corner, sucking my thumb scared. I think I’m going to vote for the Forths.

Ted and Sally, hands down. How can you beat a male lesbian couple? Sally's obviously a 24/7 transvestite (sister Jackie is Ted's daughter Hilary's real mother). I do wish Ces would let Ted wear a dress in public once in a while instead of keeping him in the closet.