O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”

United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

—–

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”

Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”

—–

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

—–

There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.”

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

—–

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark and I didn’t land.”

—–

While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

“US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

—–

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

“I’ll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn’t really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.”

“90 knots,” Center replied.

Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.

“120 knots,” Center answered.

We weren’t the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, “Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout.”

There was a slight pause, then the response, “525 knots on the ground, Dusty.”

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

“Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?”

There was a longer than normal pause.

“Aspen, I show 1,742 knots.”

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

—–

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, “How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, “We don’t plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it.”

He was cleared.

—–

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, “Do you know what I use this for?”

The navigator replied timidly, “No, what’s it for?”

The pilot responded, “I use this on navigators who get me lost!”

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, “What’s that for?”

“To be honest sir,” the navigator replied, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”

—–

Overheard at Paine Field, Everett, Washington (site of the Boeing 747 and 777 plant). Taylor Air is a flight service at Paine Field. United Airlines was just taking delivery of a brand new 747.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as “squawks,” submitted by pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log details of the solution.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

David

David is a Principal Software Engineer for PTC, Integrity Business Unit. He cut his teeth on the S/36 and has more than 25 years of experience on the IBM i / System i / iSeries / AS400. He primarily works in Java and ILE RPG specializing in cross platform integrations.

David has received the COMMON Distinguished Service award and was named an IBM Power Systems Champion.

David is an active volunteer with the American Diabetes Association's Tour de Cure fundraising bike ride. He is currently captain of Team RED Chicago.

Tour de Cure

I'm riding a 615 miles (yes, six hundred and fifteen) miles in multiple Tour de Cure events to raise money for diabetes research, education, and advocacy. Sponsor me by visiting Diabetes Sucks!. Any amount is appreciated.

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