YOU AT YOUR BEST. Womanews.

How To Curb A Blabbermouth

December 11, 1994|By Judith Martin, United Feature Syndicate.

Dear Miss Manners-What is the appropriate response when someone unloads personal problems, then, after delivering the unwanted and unsolicited gripes, says, "I know you don't want to hear all this, do you?" Should one be polite but dishonest and say, "Oh, I'm enjoying this?" or would an honest but rude affirmative response be appropriate?

Gentle Reader-One cannot admit to being bored by others' confidences, however dreary. The honesty of it does not cancel out the cruelty. But one shouldn't have to listen either. Preferably, protest, as if regretfully, "It's just that I'd prefer you didn't tell me anything you want kept confidential." The witless will be disabused of the illusion that others will be more discreet than they are themselves. And even the most dedicated blabbermouth will be reluctant to lose control of the story.

Dear Miss Manners-Sandra and I were friends years ago but gradually we called less. I manage very well without her, but I would love to have her for a friend. She does not call. Each year on a Christmas card I tell her of our family but mention her life too. Never once has she mentioned my life, but I get a long apology about how busy she is and that she will phone, making me feel like a burden.

If I send no more cards it will appear I am stopping because of the high costs. Since dialing a phone seems to be too much for her, I'd like to forget it but tell her why.

Gentle Reader-Christmas card promises are barely enough, Miss Manners agrees, to keep a friendship alive. You certainly would be entitled to deliver the fatal blow by failing to respond. But why do you want to go on the attack? Must you make this lady feel she has been terrible to neglect you? Or do you hope to shame her into being more responsive?

It is possible that Sandra has lost interest in being friends, which, while unfortunate, is not reprehensible. But it is also possible that this is a particularly busy time of life for her, and she has genuine hopes of seeing more of you. As you seem to like her, keeping up the exchange of cards would not strike Miss Manners as too much of an effort to keep that possibility alive.