Loving Moms

10 ways to build your 2-year-old's self-esteem

Nurturing your child's self-esteem may seem like a hefty responsibility. After all, a feeling of self-worth lays the foundation for your child's future, as she sets out to try new things on her own. "Self-esteem comes from having a sense of belonging, believing that we're capable, and knowing our contributions are valued and worthwhile," says California family therapist Jane Nelsen, co-author of the Positive Discipline series.

"As any parent knows, self-esteem is a fleeting experience," says Nelsen. "Sometimes we feel good about ourselves and sometimes we don't. What we are really trying to teach our kids are life skills like resiliency." Your goal as a parent is to ensure that your child develops pride and self-respect — in herself and in her cultural roots — as well as faith in her ability to handle life's challenges. (For a 2-year-old that may mean building a block castle that doesn't topple or rebuilding it when it does). Here are ten simple strategies to help boost your child's self-esteem:

Give unconditional love

A child's self-esteem flourishes with the kind of no-strings-attached devotion that says, "I love you, no matter who you are or what you do." Your child benefits the most when you accept her for who she is regardless of her strengths, difficulties, temperament, or abilities. So lavish her with love. Give her plenty of cuddles and kisses. And don't forget to tell her how much you love her. When you do have to correct your child, make it clear that it's her behavior — not her — that's unacceptable. Instead of saying, "You're a naughty girl! Why can't you be good?" say, "Pushing Olivia isn't nice. It can hurt. Please don't push."

Pay attention

Carve out time to give your child your undivided attention. That does wonders for your child's self-worth because it sends the message that you think she's important and valuable. It doesn't have to take a lot of time; it just means taking a moment to stop flicking through the mail if she's trying to talk with you or turning off the TV long enough to answer a question. Make eye contact, so it's clear that you're really listening to what she's saying. When you're strapped for time, let your child know it without ignoring her needs. Say, "Tell me all about the picture you drew, and then when you're finished, I'll need to make our dinner."

Teach limits

Establish a few reasonable rules. For instance, if you tell your child she has to eat her snack in the kitchen, don't let her wander around the family room with her crackers and fruit the next day. Knowing that certain family rules are set in stone will help her feel more secure. It may take constant repetition on your part, but she'll start to live by your expectations soon enough. Just be clear and consistent and show her that you trust her and expect her to do the right thing.

Offer choices

A good rule of thumb: Let your child choose between two possibilities, since at this age too many options can be overwhelming. For instance, ask her whether she wants to wear her polka-dot dress or the striped one, or if she wants to paint or draw, or whether she wants oatmeal or cold cereal for breakfast. She'll gain confidence with each opportunity to make a decision. Letting her know that you have faith in her judgment increases your child's sense of self-worth.

Support healthy risks

Encourage your child to explore something new, such as trying a different food, finding a best pal, or going down the slide. Though there's always the possibility of failure, without risk there's little opportunity for success. So let your child experiment safely, and resist the urge to intervene. For instance, try not to "rescue" her if she's showing mild frustration at figuring out a new toy. Even jumping in to say, "I'll do it" can foster dependence and diminish your child's confidence. You'll build her self-esteem by balancing your need to protect her with her need to tackle new tasks.

Let mistakes happen

The flip side, of course, of having choices and taking risks is that sometimes your child is bound to make mistakes. These are valuable lessons for your child's confidence. So go ahead and let her wear the snowsuit she insists on wearing even if it's balmy outside (just stash more appropriate clothing in your backpack). When she starts complaining that she's too hot, stifle your urge to say, "I told you so." Just whip out her favorite shorts and T-shirt and say something like, "How about wearing this since it's so warm?" That way her self-esteem won't sag and she'll understand that it's okay to make mistakes sometimes. When you goof up yourself, admit it, says Daniel Meier, assistant professor of elementary education at San Francisco State University. Acknowledging and recovering from your mistakes sends a powerful message to your child — it makes it easier for your child to accept her own shortcomings.

Make success a snap

Buy clothes that are a cinch to put on and pull off, get a stool so she can wash her own hands and brush her teeth at the sink, and find a place for her toys and books that is within her reach. By giving your 2-year-old the resources to take care of her own needs, you'll help foster independence and pride in her ability to do things for herself.

Celebrate the positive

It's sometimes too easy to tally up all the things a child does wrong, but everyone responds well to encouragement, so make an effort to acknowledge the good things your child does every day within her earshot. For instance, tell her dad, "Nina picked up all her toys today." She'll bask in the glow of your praise and her dad's heartening response. And be specific. Instead of saying "Good job," say, "Thank you for waiting so patiently in line." This will enhance her sense of accomplishment and self-worth and let her know exactly what she did right.

Listen well

If your child needs to talk, stop and listen to what she has to say. She needs to know that her thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions matter. Help her get comfortable with her emotions by labeling them. Say, "I know you're sad because we have to say bye-bye to the carousel." By accepting her emotions without judgment, you validate her feelings and show that you value what she has to say. If you share your own feelings ("I'm excited about going to the zoo"), she'll gain confidence in expressing her own.

Provide encouragement

Every child needs the kind of support from her loved ones that signals, "I believe in you. I see you trying. Keep going!" Encouragement means acknowledging progress — not just rewarding achievement. It means thanking your child for putting her books away, even if she missed some under her bed. It means smiling in support as she struggles to use her fork, in spite of the trail of food under her chair. And it means giving a hug for an attempt at singing the "ABC" song, even though she skipped a few letters.

There's a difference between praise and encouragement. One rewards the task while the other rewards the person ("You did it!" rather than "I'm proud of you!"). Praise can make a child feel that she's only "good" if she does something perfectly. Encouragement, on the other hand, acknowledges the effort. "Tell me about your drawing. I see that you like purple" is more helpful than saying, "That's the most beautiful picture I've ever seen." Too much praise can sap self-esteem because it can create pressure to perform and set up a continual need for approval from others. So dole out the praise judiciously and offer encouragement liberally; it will help your child grow up to feel good about herself.

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All About Bad Babysitter

It's not always easy to know whether your child's caregiver is doing the job she's supposed to. To find out, you may have to do some sleuthing. Some parents who suspect something may be amiss rent nanny surveillance equipment. But it's often possible to tell whether something's wrong without going to that extreme.You may have trouble on your hands if:

• Your baby isn't happy to see the nanny or babysitter and has become anxious and withdrawn. A regular caregiver can never replace Mom or Dad, but a baby needs to trust and love his nanny or babysitter completely. Perhaps your child and caregiver haven't bonded, or the nanny or babysitter just isn't providing the kind of warmth and comfort your child needs. As in every human relationship, having the right chemistry is important. (If you suspect something more serious is wrong, see Signs of Abuse.)

• Your nanny or babysitter seems secretive about the daily routine. How your baby and his caregiver spend their time shouldn't be a secret . When you come home, you're probably eager to hear about your child and what happened while you were apart. If your caregiver isn't forthcoming about it, either she's not good at communicating with you or she has something to hide. Even a caregiver whose English is limited should be able to convey the ups and downs of your baby's day, and will understand why you want to know.

• Your baby has been in one too many easily avoidable accidents. A nanny must keep her eye on your child, and know what he's doing at all times to prevent injury. She may be leaving your child unattended as he sleeps or plays.

• You notice your requests aren't followed. Both of you are working together to care for your child, so a caregiver shouldn't act as if she knows more about him and childrearing than you do. "I didn't like my babies to be fed on schedule and I told my nanny so," says Kirsi Tikka, a professor from Port Washington, New York. "But she insisted on it." Eventually, Tikka and that particular nanny parted ways.

• She seems critical of they way you're raising your baby. Again, you're supposed to be a team. And you should welcome constructive suggestions from your child's caregiver — especially if she spends a lot of time with your ever-changing baby. But if you get the sense that the two of you just aren't on the same page when it comes to basics like food, sleep, and safety, the relationship might not work out in the long run.

• Your nanny or babysitter often shows up late. An undependable caregiver will leave you in a lurch time and time again. Find someone who you know is committed to the job and considerate of your needs. Tardiness and unexplained absences may mean she's unreliable in other ways as well.

• Your baby often looks unkempt and dirty. If your little one's caregiver can't take care of the basics, it may be a sign that she's not on the ball when it comes to meeting your child's needs.

• Her stories don't add up. Never tolerate someone who steals, lies, or deceives you in any way. You have to be able to trust your caregiver for the relationship to work.