Where my Loyality stands...

I have a lot of time to sit and watch....LifeOne of the most awesome emotions I've encounture is Faith, and how some folks percieve how other folks should or should not believe...I myself have been referd to as a Jesus freak... bible banger...blah, blah, blah... I have no shame... i was young and filled with enthusiasm, way to eager to share my new found beliefs with the world...and to stuff em down the throaths of my family...Yepp I did...it never occur to me that these folks and family members... were way a head of me... I never saw myself questioning their Faith, and Loyality... Yet there I was... Preaching a lesson I had not learned myself...I've gone full circle on this more than once...my family are a variety of faiths... Bapist, Church of Christ, Assembly of God, and Catholic..awe don't forget the Jehovah Witnesses... yepp..and now there are new Churches... and I have no idea.. how to explain to my children... I'm Old School...this New Age stuff goes against the grain of my Faith and Loyality to the teachings of my heart...Having worked out my own Salvation years ago...the only advice i'd ever give is to Pray and follow your heart...I gave away my heart when I was seven... here i pleaded. take this part of me and do as you will...keep me safe, shelter me from the storms I must face...I faced some terrible storms... some times I felt so alone... I prayed, my small hands clutched the bible, or a cross... I prayed for help, understanding of the horrible things I was enduring..many times I lay bleeding in my bed.. the red angry whelps still stinging from a fresh beating with the wire...why was I so Bad... I'd pray why am I bad... why can't I be good... what is wrong with me...Once I asked the preacher at church... why was I so bad... how do i get this Devil outta me...? Never did get an answer.. but we soon changed Churches... yepp... that was my fault too... so i was led to believe...Now my friends at school called me a holy roller... and I tried to fit in... I prayed even harder... just seemed like I was an outsider everywhere I went, school, church..home...twelve years I lived in that house... it never felt like home...I never even felt welcome...So what did this all have to do with my Loyalities...everything...although i never felt like part of the congregation..the preacher he taught me to listen to my heart... years later.. I struggled along... so sure I was some kind of misfit...I faced new storms...these emotional storms were sometimes worse than the meanest beating I ever took..I was suffering from pain since around 14... they told me it was all in my head.. or growing pain...by time I was 25 I was chewing up two large bottles of Bayer every day.. i ate 5 or ten asprin every couple of hours and some days I had to tape my hammer to my hand cause my hand was swollen to much to hold it...i prayed even more those days... I had a wife and children to care for...I needed all the help I could get, to endure the chronic pain... I told myself I'm just not a good servant...my loyalties were tested constantly, by the group on the left and the others on the right... I was surrounded by folks that loved me and they wanted me to go to their church.. which only their church was the right one...Torn does not describe the feeling I was feeling... I felt defeated... abused to the maxium my tortured couldn't handle any more... I had to Move... outside the circle.. to catch my breath.. and there I found out I was not alone...that I had to work out my own salvation...on my own... if it didn't fit the needs of others... well hey... God Works in so many wonderful ways.. I then understood, that since the age of 7, Jesus took my heart I gave him, and he protected it from the Hate, the Anger, and the Beast that sought to utterly destroy a young child... Yeah I have my battle scars... and the Pain still reminds me that Life is Grand... God is Love... and family can be a pain in the butt...Still family is like KFC... gotta love em...I will hold to my Faith... my Loyalities stand Firm...I must follow My Heart... always... best wishes and many blessing...russ

Replies

I firmly agree dear friend.We are made strong by our faith in God.Only he can make a way where there seems to be no way. Jesus never promised us a rose garden. He said there would be pain and tribulation in this life. But to over come (ride it out) and we would be rewarded.
Life for me physicaly and emotionaly has been one giant hurdle, one thing after another.Some days I wonder how much I can take but God always makes a way and give me peace through it all. Hold fast although as a child you were abused and life some how left you out as a young man. You are one fine man, you have a heart of gold and your children should be very proud of you. You have overcome a lot of the adversities in your life already. You are alright in my book.
Hugs Rachel

WOW what a journal post! I enjoyed it and I agree with Rachel, I always remind myself a few things.....God doesn\'t give us more then we can handle, just wish he didn\'t trust me so much! :) This Too Shall Pass... & If God brings you to it, he will see you through it. You are an amazing person and I am happy to call you a friend!! Always good to follow your heart! Take care of you my friend!!!

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