Great Whores of American Journalism: Campaign 2008

First in an Ongoing Series

Laura Blumenfeld: Clueless Fuckwit, or Pervert Monkey-Lover?

If you were perhaps thinking that 2006 is a little early for the Washington Post and NY Times, the two great brothels of the eastern access-whore establishment, to start bashing Democrats and blowing Republicans – well, Dear Reader, think again! It’s NEVER too early to get a head-start on ensuring the maintenance of the whore-friendly status quo that the whores helped to bring about in 2000, helped to continue in 2004, and are hell-bent on extending in 2008.

To whit, behold the NY Times taking a probing and timely look at the intimate lives of the President and First Lady. What kind of freakish dysfunction lies behind the placid façade? I can’t WAIT to find out!

Not THAT President, silly buttons! He’s our Daddy! No, we’re talking about THIS President, the hillbilly sex-maniac with the dyke wife. His nightmarish eight-year reign of peace and prosperity nearly bored us to death before he gave us all new a hobby by having tEh sExXx0r!

Frist listened to the heart; the gorilla’s lub-dub sounded human. “When you’re this close, you feel this kind of oneness with them,” Frist said. The stink of ape sweat and gorilla testosterone soaked his hair and clothes. “Gorillas, people, men.”

BLLAGGHHHHHHHRRHRHRGGGAAAAAHHH!!
Oh, excuse me. I was just vomiting. Moving right along.

In medical school, Frist cut out a dog’s heart and held it in his palm. It continued to beat for a slippery minute.
“Watching it beat, the beauty of it,” Frist recalled. “I decided I would spend my life centered around the heart.”

You know, I think I’ve read something like that before. In the opening chapters of an Ann Rule novel! RUN AWAY, CHILDREN! RUN!

But enough with the senseless slaughter of man’s best friend. Let’s get back to Laura Blumenfeld’s every-moistening panties!

Frist joined the team, as he had on other mornings, tying on a mask. He unbuttoned his business shirt, revealing jungle-pattern surgical scrubs and a pair of hairy, toned biceps.

Then he gazed into her dark, vulnerable eyes and proclaimed in his husky voice, “I’m Dr. Thrustingood, and I’ll be your new gynecologist.” That novel had FABIO on the cover, Dear Reader! Good times.

Anyway, let me wrap up with the shorter Laura Blumenfeld: Republicans possess a more natural and authentic manhood, as evidenced by my schoolgirl giddiness around some old white guy who smells like monkeys.

Something had changed inside of the beast while he slept. Frist smiled and spoke unremarkably from the lectern, reeking of silverback testosterone.

Looks like WaPo and the Gray Harlot have already made their picks for 2006 and 2008, and I’m sure they sincerely hope you’ll enjoy another eight years of having sophomoric soft-core porn like this shoved down your throat with a meat-hose labeled “Political Coverage”.

Blue, you HAVE to read it. It’s short, and gross enough to keep you moving along at a pretty quick clip.

AIF, glad you enjoyed. I thought the Fabio reference was pretty good, myself, but then you had to get really silly to make fun of this article. It practically made fun of itself. I mean, she actually mentions gorilla testosterone — TWICE! You can just see her breathlessly scribbling in her Hello Kitty pink diary with a little gold lock. Writing, naturally, with a purple glitter puffy-paint pen.

This was an odd article. Your take on it was especially hilarious. Several parts of it made me gag -especially the part about Karyn falling in love with him in bloody scrubs. Well, hopefully Frist comes up with a cure for AIDS soon. If only he could cure the gorilla’s hearts with Republican love.