Friday, February 17, 2006

Its time to lay down

We keepin’ it real here in the Southeast ghetto of Del Mar; oh yeah, it is hard up here in the Carmelizzy Valleyizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So convenientThe Republican National Committee has asked Minneapolis to bid to host their 2008 convention. The Republicans like Minneapolis because it has a great convention center, there are plenty of hotel rooms and there is excellent quail hunting just twenty minutes away.

What time is it?Did you stay out too late drinking and over sleep in your trailer only to roll out and promptly lose an Olympic ski race you were favored to win? Congratulations, it’s Miller time.

Hyped US skier Bode Miller has been shut out of a second Olympic medal. If Miller hates the press intruding on his life as much as he says he does, at this rate, he is going to be one happy dude.

US skier Bode Miller has been shut out of a second Olympic medal. Bode Miller is spending so much time drinking and sleeping in his trailer that the only thing he might win is a Kevin Federline impersonation.

Bode Miller missed a gate in the slalom and was DQ’d. To be fair, it is harder for Miller to make the gate, he is usually drunk and sees double so he doesn’t know which gate to choose.

TomKat-fightingTom Cruise and Katie Holmes vehemently deny rumors of a split, which, of course, means they have split. Apparently one of Tom’s checks didn’t clear.

It didn’t help Tom that Hallmark didn’t have any “Thanks for being my fake girlfriend” Valentines Day cards.

Who knew?The latest juicy rumor is that V.P. Dick Cheney delayed talking to authorities about the hunting accident because he was drunk and needed to sober up. How ironic is it that Cheney had to utilize the Ted Kennedy gambit?

First they said five pellets, now they are saying that the guy Cheney shot could have up to 200 pellets in him. How do you make a mistake from 5 to 200? Did President Bush do the first count?

Roughing itMore details are coming out, Dick Cheney and the guy he shot drove up and got out the car to shoot quail. They drove up to the covey and came out blasting. Not exactly Daniel Boone. “Hey, turn up the TV, I can’t hear “Fox News” over those shotgun blasts.”

Not fairAt the 2006 Torino Olympics, American snowboarders Hannah Teter and Gretchen Bleiler won the gold and silver medals, respectively, in the women’s half pipe. You have to feel for Hannah Teter. Teter is cute, but Gretchen Bleiler is a scorching hot babe;

“Gretchen, Gretchen, <flash> over here, Babe.” <flash, flash> “Hey, you, what’s your name? Your gold medal is reflecting and ruining the shot, do you mind getting out of the way?”

Too badA 2006 Torino Olympic sport growing in popularity is curling; Kevin Federline wanted to be a curler, but he didn’t know how to use a broom.

Republican OlympicsMore details are coming out, Dick Cheney and the guy he shot drove up and got out the car to shoot quail. Is that a Republican activity or what? Using a gas guzzling limo to shoot animals. The only thing more republican is using a helicopter to collect bribes.

Dick Cheney shot a guy on a Texas hunting trip. On the bright side, this should teach the guy not to make lesbian daughter jokes.Since you asked:As you beloved regular readers of a.L.b.B know, all five of you, we are not afraid to ruffle feathers. When it comes to stirring up controversy, Danish cartoonists got nothing on our narrow tookus’s. Sure, we lose some readers, sure, we shock some readers. But this isn’t Russia, Danny. Oh yes, my friend, we will let the fit hit the shan.

Are you ready? Might want to sit down.

It is possible I may be leaning towards favoring a charcoal grill.

(Whoa, I, what the? Are you out of your? What is the matter with? I don’t know who you are anymore)

My regulator went out on my gas grill and it took a while to get it fixed. When I changed it out for a new one I needed a new bolt on the hose. So, in a very when-life-gives-you-lemons-make-lemonade/MacGyver-ish move, I dusted off the 18 year-old red kettle Weber. Splurged on the very Bobby Flay-like lump charcoal, tossed it in my charcoal chimney and lit it.

We buy these pre-marinated garlic and oil chicken breasts from Foster Farms when I want to not really cook. Toss them on the grill and chop them up and toss them in a salad. It is as close to not cooking as you can get. You cannot mess these chicken breasts up. They are so tender and tasty.

So that is what I did only this time on the Weber. Oh . . . my . . . goodness. These things were the best by double they have ever been. This was like a grilling litmus test.

No, I will not forsake Blazing Bessie. You cannot beat gas when it comes to convenience and speed and consistency on a regular basis. But I think, for special grilling, like Strip steaks and Salmon, and finishing off ribs, I am going to fire up the Weber from time to time.

Sunday I am going to get up early, ride the bike for 30 miles and then, while basking in a case of, if not Olympic fever, than Olympic-cough-due-to-cold, smoke a four hour brisket on my Red Weber for Texas Toast Mopped Brisket Sandwiches. Slaw and locally famous Julian apple pie ala mode to accompany.

All I need is a nickname for my red Weber. I got it: Roasting Ruby.

Come on, everybody join in and sing with me:

“Hello Roasting Ruby, who could pin a name on you?”

(Polite applause)

It has been brought to my attention that I am remiss in not crediting the idea to use the Weber to my bestest buddy, master cooker, award winning teacher and bon vivant, man-about-town, James Diller Woods.

Its time to lay down

Vice President Dick Cheney shot a lawyer. There will be no criminal investigation because, technically, shooting a lawyer isn’t a crime.

The good news for the American bald Eagle? It is one step closer to being taken off the endangered species list. The bad news? The bald eagle is next on Dick Cheney’s hunting list.

This entire hunting fiasco has been so embarrassing for Cheney, he would give anything for a good old fashioned heart attack right about now.

Things have changed, now we have a vice president killing quail, in 1989 we had a Quayle killing the vice presidency.

Wow, fierceAmerica’s Johnny Weir is considered flamboyant even for a male figure skater. And that is saying something. That’s like being considered slutty even for Paris Hilton.

This Weir guy is gayer than Clay Aiken singing “Somewhere over the Rainbow.”

Unfair advantageThe Olympic downhill winner was France’s Antoine Deneraiz. It wasn’t really fair how they got the French guy to win. Before the race started they told Antoine the German army was marching up the other side of the mountain.

How did you do on Valentines Day? Guys, nothing shows your girl you love her quite like shooting a lawyer full of buckshot.

Wayne Gretzky’s wife, Janet Jones, bet $75,000 on the Super Bowl to an illegal betting agency, Jones bet $5,000 on the coin toss alone. Janet bet on tails and won. You hate to see your own wife cheering against head.

I had a rough week, I bet Janet Jones Gretsky a thousand bucks Dick Cheney would shoot a lobbyist instead.

My milkman will be so bummedWestern Union will no longer issue telegrams. I was so shocked to hear this I nearly knocked over the butter churner.

Triple Oy vey LutzThe favorite to win the Olympic gold medal is Sasha Cohen. Figure skating is a little different for Cohen because she’s Jewish. For example, instead of waiting for the judge’s result in the Kiss and Cry room, she goes to the Whine and Complain room.

That drunk?The former lead singer for the Christian Rock band Creed, Scott Stapp, was arrested for being too drunk to get on a flight in Los Angeles. To give you an idea how drunk he was, Stapp was even drunker than the pilots.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Its time to lay down

It is what it is so let’s embrace it, Happy Valentines Day, Torn Slattterns and Nugget Ranchers

I shot the Lawyer but I did not shoot the lobbyist- Janice Hough of Palo AltoDick Cheney shot a lawyer. “I’ll take What is President Bush’s wildest dream for $100 Alex.”

There will be no criminal investigation because, technically, shooting a lawyer isn’t a crime.

Not fairThe Olympic downhill winner was France’s Antoine Deneraiz. It wasn’t really fair how they got the French guy to win. Right before the race started they told him the German army was marching up the other side of the mountain.

Are you ready for Valentines Day? Guys, nothing shows your girl you love her quite like shooting a lawyer full of buckshot.

Shocker The milkman will be so bummed when I tell himWestern Union will no longer issue telegrams. I was so shocked to hear this I nearly knocked over the butter churner.

Oy, such a figure skaterThe favorite to win the Olympic gold medal is Sasha Cohen. Figure skating is a little different for Cohen because she’s Jewish. For example, instead of waiting for the judge’s result in the Kiss and Cry room, she goes to the Whine and Complain room.

VDValentines Day is today, guys you want to make sure you give her a good card. Don’t pick the card that says “My Love for you burns like my urine.”

Valentines Day is today complete with those little heart-shaped candies. It will be nice for guys to eat something small and heart shaped that isn’t Viagra for a change.

So gayIt has been three days and I still can’t get over how gay the 2006 Torino Olympic Opening ceremonies were. How gay were they? They predominantly featured flaming inline skaters. Inline skaters with actual flames coming from their helmets. That’s gayer than Clay Aiken singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”

The 2006 Torino Olympic Opening ceremony featured literally flaming inline skaters. The flaming skaters were brought to you buy the Department of Redundancy Department.

Since you asked:Can you feel it? There is a grass roots revolt occurring. To be sure, it is not a groundswell, it is murmuring under the radar but it exists. Oh yes, my friend it exists. Men are quietly resisting the four M’s of Valentines Day: meaningless manufactured marketing manipulation. (It would have been five M’s if emasculating didn’t have that stupid e at the beginning)

This is not a male’s holiday. Don’t we have a word for something that specifically excludes a gender? Oh yeah, sexism. One Valentines Day I got my then girlfriend a dozen roses and sent them to her at work. That night over drinks with friends, I could hear her complain to her friend about what a pain it is to get a dozen roses home in a car. And then it occurred to me: what had she done for me? Nothing. Zero. That was it, I broke up with her that evening.

Unfortunately I had no choice but to commit the single man’s biggest mistake: breaking up with a bad girlfriend the day after Valentines day. From that moment on, I have been soured to the emotional blackmail that is February 14th, and I am not alone.

Don’t get me wrong, romance is nice, flowers are pretty, jewelry works. Just don’t tell me that there is a day that I am required to get all three.

Men have had it. Do we get or want flowers and candy and jewelry? No. Is there a day when guys get sporting goods and beer and a steak? No. The local radio station I write for promotes Steak and Nobber day (yes, it is like it sounds, either you get it or you don’t) as the male salve for Valentines Day but it is more of a bit than a real local holiday.

Thanks, KGB, it is a nice gesture but it doesn’t cut it. We’ve had it. Guys around the globe are joining as one and saying that’s it. I am not bowing to sleazy ads, and dated traditions and emotional bribery. No, this is the year I do nothing for Valentines Day. I am putting my foot down once and for all. Stay strong, my brothers, and join me in my liberation from Greeting Card company induced tyranny.

(Let’s all take some time out as Lex pictures his wife’s face when she comes home and he has nothing for her, excuse his referencing himself in third person)

OK, maybe just a card. And balloons as long as I am there. Flowers, one thing of flowers, but that is it. And lobster tacos with mango salsa. But that’s definitely it. And maybe a few of those big strawberries dipped in chocolate.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Its time to lay down

They got them some drama without a comma, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

OuchThe US is off to a poor start at the 2006 Torino Olympics. How poor? Janet Jones Gretzky is already down twenty large.

Makes senseTestifying to a Senate Committee about poor hurricane response, ex-FEMA head Brown blamed the White House. Prior to this, Brown blamed the mayor of New Orleans and the governor of Louisiana. Tomorrow Brown will blame a Danish cartoonist.

Ouch, 2On a hunting trip in Texas, V.P. Dick Cheney shot one his companions, a lawyer, with buckshot. Cheney was really embarrassed, he was aiming for the lobbyist.

The guy will be OK. There won’t be any criminal charges, in fact, because the guy was a lawyer, Cheney may get a merit of honor award.

Upon hearing about this President Bush asked; “Is it lawyer season already?”

This begs the existential question, if a lawyer is shot in the woods does it make it a sound idea?

On a quail hunting trip in Texas, V.P. Dick Cheney shot his companion with buckshot. They’re not sure what happened, they were chatting, the guy said he agreed with Bush that we need to end our dependence on oil, and, boom, Cheney shot him.

President Bush called Cheney and told him he needs to go relax get back in the saddle again and invite Ted Kennedy on a hunting trip.

It is the worst shot from anyone from the White House since Clinton hit Monica’s dress.

Janet “I got the gamblin’” JonesWayne Gretzky’s wife, Janet Jones, bet $75,000 on the Super Bowl to an illegal betting agency, Jones bet $5,000 on the coin toss alone. It’s the most riding on a coin flip since the honeymoon of Star Jones and Al Reynolds to determine who would be on top.

For every season, Turin, Turin, TurinDid you know that the 2006 Torino or Turin Olympics have a motto? “Passion Lives Here.” You have to hand it to them, those people really know how to Turin a phrase.

The Fierce gamesThe Olympic opening ceremonies featured rollerbladers, dance numbers, elaborate costumes and the athletes parading in to 70’s disco music. I don’t want to say the opening ceremonies were gay but even the male figure skaters were saying, “Please, that is so campy. Butch it up a scosh.”

The Opening Ceremonies were so flamboyant at one point NBC announcer Brian Williams turned to Bob Costas and said; “I wish I could quit you.”

DumpedNew York got hit with a huge snowstorm. To give you an idea how much snow, for an extra $50 bucks, the hookers in Times Square are offering whips and tire chains.

Sounds about rightShaun White won an Olympic gold medal in the men’s snowboard half pipe; How does a snowboarder celebrate a gold medal win in the half pipe? With a full pipe.

Afterwards, White said; “I hope Sasha Cohen digs gold medals.” Atta boy. Wins an Olympic gold medal and the first thing he thinks about is using it to score with a wildly flexible hot figure skater. Who says snowboarders are dumb?

Can you imagine if White and Cohen hooked up? Both can do triple 360’s. How would you like to be in the hotel room beneath them?

Afterwards they asked;

“Shaun White you just won an Olympic gold medal in the Men’s snowboard half pipe. What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to, uh, Dude, what’s that place with Mickey Mouse again?”

American gold medal favorite Apolo Ohno tripped up and failed to qualify for the short track 1500. Unfortunately this mishap made Ohno the most appropriately surnamed failing athlete since Michael O’Crapp’s tragic cliff diving accident.

Send a message. Stop. No, really, stopWestern Union will no longer issue telegrams. This is bad news, how am I going to tell my blacksmith when to begin work on my horse and buggy?

Western Union will no longer issue telegrams. I could hardly believe the story that Western Union would stop issuing telegrams until somebody e-mailed the news from the Internet.

Western Union will no longer issue telegrams. I was so shocked to hear this I nearly knocked over the butter churner.

Huh?The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal is Sasha Cohen. Sasha is 21, has a pretty china doll face and she is so flexible she can pull her leg back and over and place her foot facing forward on her head. (Beat) Huh? Oh, sorry, I got lost there for a second. What were we talking about?

It’s a little different for Cohen because she is Jewish. For example, instead of waiting for the judge’s results in the Kiss and Cry room, she goes to the Whine and Complain room.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Its time to lay down

It is what it is is what it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Him tooBritney Spears is in trouble over pictures that showed her driving her SUV with her baby in her lap; she has to be more responsible than that, the poor thing is totally dependent and helpless. And besides Kevin Federline, she needs to protect her baby.

Too badSadly, Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, broke up with her boyfriend, director Bingo Goobleman. So that means we won’t have the fun couple Bingo and Ivanka Gubleman.

So sweetWhite Castle is running a Valentines Day special where they have tablecloths, candles and a roving violinist. It’s the perfect way to tell your girl; “You’re the only one I could get.”

Ahh, so sweetNick Lachey and Jessica Simpson were spotted together in a romantic restaurant. Apparently Nick splurged and went for the White Castle Valentines deal.

Did you hear the one about the Mullah going into a bar?Devout Muslims continue to riot over the Danish Muhammad cartoon; Muslims haven’t been this mad over a cartoon since Boris and Natasha declared a Jihad on Moose and Squirrel.

Deep stuffA sleazy broker is auctioning off Paris Hilton diary, a diary that reveals Paris’s deepest thoughts. It features such thoughtful insights as “I like pie.” “Air is good” and “Puppies are cute.”

What an honorAnd the 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino opened tonight on NBC. One of the events is the Skeleton. What an honor to win the Skeleton gold and know that you are the best of at least a couple dozen athletes around the world.

Who does the Skeleton? “Hey, would you like a ride down the treacherous, steep icy course in my bobsled?” “Nah, I’ll ride down on that cookie sheet with blades thing.”

How gay is it?NBC sent “The Tonight Show’s” Ross the Intern to cover the Winter Olympics. It was the only way they could think of to make Men’s figure skating even gayer.

Not a good signAfter a two year break up, Mattel announced Ken wants to win back Barbie. I’m not sure it is going to work, for their first date, Ken wants to take her to “Brokeback Mountain” and hurry back in time to watch Men’s Olympic figure skating.

Good news bad newsA six-year-old Massachusetts boy has been suspended from school after being charged with sexual harassing a girl classmate. The bad news is that this could stay on his record forever; the good news is it won’t hurt him if he wants to run for Governor of California.

A six-year-old Massachusetts boy has been suspended from school after being charged with sexual harassing a girl classmate. In addition, the boy was charged with libel and threatening arson when he yelled; “Liar, liar pants on fire.”

Coach ClintonThe 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino open tonight on NBC. The Luge and Skeleton events require the participants to lie as still as possible. That’s why their coach is Hillary Clinton.

The James Bond eventAn event I love is the Biathlon which features cross country skiing and rifle shooting. This event requires amazing discipline, especially if you’re in second place. The person ahead of you could get the gold medal and you’re carrying a rifle? Tell me they don’t have to fight the urge to take the first guy out. “It was an accident, it just went off, I swear.”

All I can say is it is a good thing Tonya Harding was in figure skating and not the Biathlon; imagine what she would have done to Nancy Kerrigan if she had a rifle?

Don’t get thatAmerican Skeleton athlete Zach Lund lost is appeal for testing positive for performance enhancing masking agents. Maybe I don’t understand the Skeleton, but do you really need a drug to enhance your performance to lie still?

Kiss and Tell replaces Show and TellA six-year-old Massachusetts boy has been suspended from school after being charged with sexual harassing a girl classmate. Let’s hope this precedent isn’t retroactive or Karen Dean is going to sue my ass for what I did at second grade recess.