Ironically, my drink was called Vow Of Silence. Grinning evilly over my delicious Alembic cocktail, I leveled my gaze and stared directly into Patrick's beautiful eyes. My handsome porn-star pal raised a recently waxed eyebrow in challenge. I asked, "So. what food do you eat if you want to eradicate your sex drive?"

We were tipsy, and feeling bitchy. "Oooh, I dunno. What?"

I paused and sipped for suspense. Finally I said, "Wedding cake!"

He erupted into peals of too-loud cackles, just as I'd expected. We had been drinking and talking shop -- he was telling me stories about the gay porn industry's use of performance enhancers while I cringed, giggled and imbibed. Then we'd drifted into the topic that eventually comes up in every San Francisco dinner conversation since May 15: yes, gay marriage, but more so, comparing notes in a who's-doing-who to see which same-sex friends are -- and aren't -- tying the knot. When Patrick brought it up we both got teary with excitement at first, and then quickly descended into snark. Some of our marriage-making lesbian and gay friends were, in fact, already married, and just happily taking the final step for legal reasons. We knew at least one couple who had broken up when gay marriage became legal -- he had always told his lover that they'd do it if it became legal, and then when it did, could no longer put off commitment decisions by blaming the injustices of the law. Another couple we knew hadn't had sex in a year, complained about it privately to each of us, and seemed about to break up -- until they could legally get married. Now, we joked, it seemed these women could join the ranks of straight couples who make a big life change to "fix" the relationship: have a baby, buy a house, and now, get married. We wondered, why get married when you're already sexless? Prompting my bad, bad joke.

And it is a joke, because I actually know more wedded, committed couples having hot, crazy, swinging-from-the-chandeliers sex than I know sexless pairings. And it's not the San Francisco bubble, or the sex educator bubble, or the plastic sexier-than-thou attitudes of sex industry people I know. It's the regular folks. OK, it's the regular folks with rebellious spirits and slightly more open minds than some. But looking around at the bazillions of articles about how to "bring back the spark" in everyone's presumably sexless marriages, it's easy for me to be someone who loves sex, takes one look at a wedding dress, and runs the other direction in terror. I want cock rings, not wedding rings. Yet, I know plenty of people who have both. What the hell are they doing right, that some other people seem to be doing -- well, not doing at all?

I decided to pester two people whose personal missions are to eradicate the sexless marriage, Felice Newman and Alison Tyler . Newman is a local sex educator, sexuality therapist for lesbian, gay, straight and bi couples, and an author who is working on a book about hot sex in lasting relationships. Since Newman's upcoming workshop on the topic is aimed at lesbian couples , I had to ask her about something I'd heard of called "lesbian bed death". I wondered, is it like "straight bed death?" Felice told me,

"Loss of sexual connection happens to all kinds of couples. Lesbian, gay, straight -- eros (or the loss of eros) doesn't discriminate. We have to get away from the term 'bed death' because it's become self-fulfilling. People think that loss of sexual interest is inevitable, so that's what happens. Worse, because they think of it as bed death, they believe it's irreversible. Like death.

I think the term 'bed death' masks the whole complexity of coupled sexuality. Think about it: Is the newness of budding intimacy the only thing you find hot about coupled sex? How limiting is that!? You need some inspiration. What happened to your favorite turn-ons, the fantasies that used to get you hot? What about your sexual aspirations? What kind of sex did you dream of having before you became coupled?

Maybe you're not having sex because you weren't liking the sex you were having. Have you told your partner what you really want? Or maybe having switched off the heat you used to feel for others, you've switched off your heatperiod.

What was the itch that becoming partnered was supposed to scratch? Was it that you wanted a deeply intimate erotic connection? When was the last time you had a truly authentic conversation about sex with your partner?"

Alison Tyler's upcoming book " Never Have The Same Sex Twice " (Cleis Press) sounds intriguing, and since Tyler has been in a 14-year monogamous straight relationship -- that I personally know is blistering hot -- she seemed like the right girl to ask if getting married meant giving up on sex for the happiness of commitment. Her reply was unhesitant: "Oh, God no. No, no, no!" But how? "Make sex important. Top-of-your-list important. Maybe I'm truly obsessed, but I do see sex wherever I go. I am constantly on the lookout for new turn-ons, new fantasies, new ways to play. I think sometimes people lose perspective of how powerful a good sex life can be. For your moods. Your sense of attractiveness. What have you. I think my man is sexier now than when we first met. (But, of course, I have a thing for older men.)"

Of course, the latest salvo in the "sex starved marriage" war of ideas is the "just do it" approach. One couple had sex every night for 101 days in a row. I asked Newman, Does sex binging help, or are there better ways to being sex back into a relationship? She told me,

"One quote from that NYT article sticks in my head: 'It required a daily kindness and forgiveness, and not being cranky or snarky, that I don't think either of us had experienced before,' That rings true to me. When couples I work with start connecting sexually after a long time without sex, they notice that they are sweeter with each other. I notice that the air between them has softened and they aren't so brittle with each other. They're on the same team again.

"I think the idea is to get into the practice of having sex, rather than focusing on all the reasons you're not having sex. What the New York Times article didn't mention is that there's a rational basis for 'just doing it.' You don't have to be 'in the mood' to have sex. Once you get going, your hormones will kick in, and you may find yourself getting turned on. It's a romantic myth that you have to swept way with passion to have good sex. By the way, the same holds for masturbation. An orgasm a day -- that'll get you going!

I think a sex binge is an interesting experiment. But it's not a fix. If you're not talking to your partner about what you want, if you're not experiencing pleasure with all that sex, it isn't going to solve the problem."

The problem is, we want to have our wedding cake and eat it, too. And if binging doesn't satisfy, how do we solve the problem? I asked Newman, what's the secret recipe those oversexed long-term couples are cooking with? She tells me,

"They're intentionally setting aside time for sex and play (I can't tell you how many couples I've met who barely have time for each other). They practice authentic communication (ditto for all those who don't tell their partners what really turns them on for fear of rejection, or who don't tell their partners what they really need for fear of hurting their feelings). They strive for openness to their partner's sexual invitations (before you say 'no,' take a deep breath: what is the future you want to produce with your partner?) They're open to experimentation (don't assume that something won't be fun, or that you wont be good at it, or that your embarrassment will override any possibility of getting turned on). And they take responsibility for their own orgasms and their own erotic energy (When was the last time you gave yourself a massively intense orgasm?)

Finally, what really works is holding sex as a priority in the relationship. And not settling for anything less than satisfaction."

I asked Alison Tyler what top tips she had for couples about to tie the knot. Tyler said, "Actually my wedding night sex was our worst sex ever. I think the pressure was too high. Our best sex is often what I call 'we don't have time for sex' sex. When I'm all dressed up, about to run out the door, and he can't stop himself from messing with me. Tearing off my panties. Ripping my fishnets.

Blue headlines at conferences ranging from ETech, The Forbes Internet Leadership Conference, LeWeb and SXSW: Interactive, to Google Tech Talks at Google, Inc. Her tech site is Techyum; her audio and e-books are at Digita Publications.

For more information and links to Web sites discussed in Open Source Sex, go to Violet Blue's Web site, tinynibbles.com.