Don’t get your hopes up. Not to be a killjoy, but there’s not a ton to say after these episodes. I usually don’t post after any of them. I do feel though, that we should at least take a quick glimpse at what went down.

First of all, whenever dealing with Women Tell All or After the Final Rose, you need to focus on the crowd they let in. If the audience was a drink recipe, last night in particular it would be:

10 housewives, undersexed and overdressed

30 single professional women that hate women

1 woman who at first glance looks like Michael Bolton

10 Amish teenagers

2-5 Way Too Old Ladies depending on taste (read: attendance)

*all must be willing to emote like everyone on this show is their best friend and that Tierra is a terrorist on trial and your reaction determines the fate of the United States.

Pretty Little Liar, you aren’t getting a talk show. Stop taking the lines the producers are feeding you. I get it. You have Twitter on your iPhone. You’re my hero. You’re not the next Bachelorette (you better not be). Like, did you have a goal to say sparkle, cot, etc the whole lot of Tierra words? Look, I get it. We all hate her, but I didn’t elect you head of that club. Some quality eye rolls from you though. And good job not getting fat in the offseason. Big win for the agency.

AshLee tried to not bring the crazy the whole time (minus the new hair color, look from my understanding, the ombre is out and so auf wiedersehen, gypset) only to fail big time when Sean came out. She tried to throw him under the bus by claiming he told her he didn’t care about the other two women in St. Croix.

Duh. Let me be the first to say that Sean probably can’t drink, is some form of virgin, is an inverted ginger (which would be cool if he wasn’t so boring I wanted this season to be told by Ken Burns so at least it seemed important) and probably will torture his wife. Sean wouldn’t survive one night out with my hard-banging advertising friends. He’d tap out before the steaks arrived.

All that said, ladies, is Sean the only guy to say something to a girl he didn’t mean when he was making out? No. He isn’t. Men should not be listened to in this situation. If he tells you he loves you when you are both hungover arguing over what food to eat for lunch after you made him “go for a walk” that felt like a vampire crawl while you are wearing yoga pants (again), then he loves you. Love is going on walks that provide no caloric benefit to men who eat and drink like Vikings just because it makes her happy.

God knows what I said to girls in high school when I thought there was a possibility of a mid-air refueling. You have to grow up and fall in love for real to get over that stuff which, because this is The Bachelor, isn’t happening. None of this is love. That’s why they wrote that song. Is this love? Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me, no more.

There was going to UCLA to a sorority. They did their stupid 8-clap which I actually appreciated in this case (it’s lame at sporting events) because there were 8 contestants on the show WITH THE CLAP ITSELF this season, so that was like a tribute. One clap for each woman with THE clap.

Did you guys hate how they pretended the camera was on and no one knew so we could see “candid” talks between Sean and AshLee or Tierra getting ready. Please. Besides the Amish high schoolers and minivan moms you got for the crowd, we’re all watching because this is a shit show. Stop trying to do parlor tricks. The best magic trick would be if the marriage success rate for this show was higher than that of the US, which is already bad.

Tierra, you don’t speak English so I’m not commenting on you, your head dent or your sparkle (or that dress, I thought you were going to be cut up and put on a charcuterie board).

Shit, I just commented.

That’s all you get until next week when we end this thing with a bang. Or without one. Cuz you know. Sean.

6 responses to “The Women Tell All”

“What is Love? Baby dont hurt me”….should be the theme song of this bore-a-palooza. Orphan Anne, the psycho train was a hidden mini Tierra this season while Des takes the cake (here comes Nate!). Dun..dun…dun.

The gift is strong with you Zack. I just came back from 2 weeks in Mexico where I couldn’t even get to watch via ABC.COM. So I resisted the urge to read your recaps…until tonight. Home at last, I watched Orphan Hottie get the boot, and the girls tell all.. in one sitting. Thanks DVR! Anyway, my predictions and commentary were spot on with yours. My wife is still upset about that. Nonetheless, I found it funny that you didn’t even add you $.02 on the Tieraist’s “engagement”. If anything in life ever screamed bullshit, this HAS to be it. Otherwise, you offered fantastic commentary. Thanks for taking the time to share your good humor with the rest of us. You sir, are a class act.