Archive for the Sex Category

Over the years, more of them than I care to count, I’ve made plenty of mistakes. In the aftermath of the most serious ones, I’ve tried to learn the lessons they provided and move forward, careful not to repeat them. Sometimes I am successful; sometimes I am not. What is that quote? “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. “I’ve been quite insane at times and have been forced to learn many important lessons the hard way, the VERY hard way.

So when I see people about to make mistakes I previously made, I want to warn them. You can call it maternal nurturing or you can call it always being up in someone else’s shit – truthfully, it’s probably a little of both – but I sometimes feel compelled to point out potentially unwise decisions. Some people appreciate my advice, some ignore me, and some outright tell me to mind my own goddamned business. Still, I sleep better knowing I’ve done my part to keep them from making mistakes I’ve made. This column is a way of doing my part for those who are new to the world of kink. By using my mistakes and how I’ve applied those previously noted lessons to my life, I hope others will learn the easy way rather than the hard way.

I am an unrepentant feminist, yet being on my knees at my Dominant’s feet fulfills me in ways nothing else can. Being told I’m a “good girl” makes my heart swell, mostly because I rarely if ever heard those words as a child.

This is the first of several columns I plan to write focusing on mistakes made by people – usually me, but not always – in the world of kink: trusting people too much and too quickly, moving faster than your experience level, thinking you know everything, plain old-fashioned stupidity…there are dozens about which I could write. I start here what I consider the biggest mistake in any relationship, kink or otherwise: not being honest.

The hardest form of honesty to practice is being honest with yourself. Yet, as far as kink goes, it is the most vital. You may feel embarrassed by your kinky desires. You may consider them “sick” or “unnatural.” You may think you should be ashamed of them. In the past, people may have looked at you oddly if you dared mention them. Or maybe your kinky desires – as is the case with my own – are diametrically opposed to how you live your vanilla life. I am an unrepentant feminist, yet being on my knees at my Dominant’s feet fulfills me in ways nothing else can. Being told I’m a “good girl” makes my heart swell, mostly because I rarely if ever heard those words as a child. But why I need to hear it isn’t as nearly important as admitting that I do need to hear it. And if I don’t get it from my BDSM relationship, where will I get it? (I just can’t picture my boss kissing my forehead and telling me he’s proud of me for doing a good job.) If you don’t recognize your needs and aren’t honest with yourself about them, you will never get them, regardless of what they may be. As unique or weird as you think your kink is, I can find someone whose desires make yours look tame. Trust me. That is, unless your kink includes fire play with farm animals and dwarves dressed as Darth Vader while you dissect a pig and eat butter pecan ice cream on stage as the opening act at a Gwar concert… and honestly, based on some of the things I’ve seen online, I’m not completely sure that scenario sounds all that weird anymore.

Okay, so my example was a little extreme. I made it up to prove a point. Very often we are too afraid of admitting what we really desire because we fear others will think badly of us or because it goes against what we’ve learned is acceptable behavior. The exceptions, I must stop to point out here, are non-consensual activities, which include any activity with children or animals as they are unable to give consent. Such things are not only illegal, but also go against what I consider the first rule of BDSM – hurting someone is fine; harming someone is not. But regarding activities between consenting adults, we must realize that not admitting our desires leads to not getting them, which leaves us unfulfilled and unhappy. I spent almost 13 years ignoring my desires because I mistakenly thought good wives didn’t want those things. Problem was, I was letting other people define “good wife” for me when I – and my husband – should have been defining it. I didn’t get what I needed, I didn’t give him what he needed, and we both pretended like what we had was enough. We lied to ourselves and each other for a very long time and our marriage nearly failed. Two years of counseling and many difficult conversations helped us save it, but much of the pain we went through could have been avoided if we’d just been honest and admitted what we wanted and needed.

If you don’t know exactly what you want in the way of kinky adventures, that’s ok. You may only know that you like serving others or that you like humiliating people a little bit. It’s a start; you will eventually sort out the details of what works for you. Whether you know what you like or just want to try things that sound fun, you need to make the effort to identify your desires and express them honestly, without concern for the opinions of others. The kink world is generally less judgmental than the vanilla world. If you tell kinky people you want to try golden showers, some will say “Oh man! I love that!” some will say “Not my kink, but if it works for you, that’s cool” and some will say “That’s nothing! This one time, I …” I can’t predict the exact reactions – it depends upon the individuals – but I can tell you what you probably won’t hear. You probably won’t hear “Aw man, that’s just fucking sick! Why would you want to do that?”

Moving forward into a kink relationships or introducing kink into a previously vanilla relationship is much easier after you’ve learned to be honest and open about your wants and needs – and there is a difference. Identifying which is which among your own desires puts you way ahead of the game, but as I said before, if you haven’t yet determined just what your kinks are, that is perfectly fine. Just be honest when you talk to potential partners and tell them what you want to try and what you think you need at that point. (Believe me, those things will change with experience.) You may find someone with a kink for teaching people new things. When in a Dominant role, I love facilitating the exploration of things my submissive wants to try! When in a submissive role, I personally need a Dominant with experience, but I know many submissives who enjoy being practiced on by freshly minted Dominants. The bottom line is you have to be honest about what you desire and not let fear of people reactions keep you from being honest. (It goes without saying, I think, that you need to be totally honest as well about your own experience level. Don’t pretend you have done this before if you never have. That can be very dangerous, but that is the topic for a future column.)

One of the things I have always liked about kinky relationships, often referred to as “dynamics,” is that they are much like business agreements. Both parties state honestly and in good faith what they expect. They negotiate terms, with each party willing to adjust his/her expectations, and eventually either an agreement is reached or it is decided they are not a good fit. With my own Dominant, the vast majority of our expectations for one another lined up and we expressed them to one another – and my husband – in a series of email discussions. There was no “sit down at a table and hammer out the terms of a contract” situation, although some people negotiate in exactly that fashion. Like business contacts, both parties must be honest about their own desires and whether they can supply what the other party needs. This is sometimes fairly simple, as it was with my Dominant, but seldom do two people’s desires dovetail perfectly. My Dominant is a sadist at heart. He tells me it is a want, not a need, but I know how much He wants it. I, however, do not think I am a masochist in the traditional sense. When submissive, I respond best to control-oriented, approval-based domination. In the beginning, I thought this might be an obstacle to the long-term survival of our dynamic. I was wrong. He gives me a level of nurturing and acceptance that some, including me prior to this relationship, wouldn’t have thought possible for a Sadist. In return, I don’t just try things He wants me to do, and I want to try the things I never thought I’d do, much less enjoy. I do this to fulfill the part of Him that desires the infliction of pain. (We call this part of him “Daddy’s Monster,” which to me indicates He is a nurturer primarily, but He is a nurturer with a dark side that can’t be ignored.) We’ve both been surprised by how much satisfaction we receive from things we never thought would be satisfying. I’m not saying it has been perfect – we’ve hiccupped along the way – but neither of us would have gotten or needs met if we hadn’t been honest enough to admit them and our dynamic wouldn’t have lasted as long as it has or be as strong as it is.

This isn’t the way I handled previous dynamics though. I made 1,001 mistakes along my path to this place. When I first began my kinky adventures, I just went with whatever my Top/Dom wanted. (I had not yet begun to explore my own Dominant side yet.) I had no clue what I wanted or needed, so I just played along and hoped they’d somehow magically find it for me. It doesn’t work that way. I also had the “I’m the submissive here, so what I want doesn’t matter” attitude. Which is true, but not really, if that makes sense. The best dynamics are the ones in which everyone’s needs are being met equally. You may need a submissive that wants to be humiliated or you need a submissive that has a “little girl” or “little boy” deep inside, waiting for the right Daddy/Mommy to bring out that side of him/her. You may need a nurturing Dominant or you may need a Dominant that only uses you for sex. The vast majority of my previous dynamics were casual play partner situations that revolved around that using me for sex part, when what I really needed was a nurturing Daddy Dominant. Yes, those other Doms “satisfied” me, but only to a certain point. I hadn’t been submissive for over almost two decades – and I wasn’t looking to be – when I began met my Dominant. Those previous only partially fulfilling dynamics were the primary reason. Within just a few conversations, however, I began to feel extremely submissive toward Him. I didn’t really know why at the time. I do now. It was because He was already nurturing me; He was already giving me what I needed.

I suppose what it all boils down to is that the type of dynamic in which you become engaged isn’t important and the role you play in it doesn’t matter. What matters most is the honesty you practice in looking for it. Whether it is a long-term committed relationship, a “friends with benefits” arrangement, or a one-time play partner situation, whether you are the Top, the bottom, the Dominant, the submissive, the slut, the baby girl, the sissy boy, or the foot worshipper, you must be honest about your needs and what you are can give. If you both do this, the trust between you and your kinky partner will be deeper, the depth of feeling will be stronger, and the enjoyment received from play time will be greater. If one of you can’t or isn’t willing to do this, your dynamic, like any other interpersonal relationship is most likely doomed. I learned that the hard way.