When You've Had Enough

Of your family because of all the gay slurs and you just dont wanna stick around em anymore....

Sheesh, never thought I'd be in that position.. I've always been the loyalest of family members.. but now that the demands of dating girls and getting married and putting up a front for society are constantly getting on the table.. I just dont wanna stick around anymore.. i wanna divorce my family.. help.. lol... how do you deal with that?... and my family is not Western. they hold VERY strongly to family relations... of course I will be accused of being proud and selfish by refusing to live up to their standards.. but my standards are just miles away from theirs to the point of irreconcilability.. sigh.

There comes a time for some of us ( or at least for myself) when you have to decide between living your life for you and not your family and time away from them is the only answer. My family was "Western" but that didn't stop them from holding to their own idea of "relations", etc. When you've had enough...I'm sure that you will make the decision that is right for you, not them.

Are you out to your family? Reading your post I'm not sure about it. If not, coming out might put an end to the slurs or at least start the process of getting rid of them. If you are considering divorce anyway, you've got nothing to lose.

malefeet saidThere comes a time for some of us ( or at least for myself) when you have to decide between living your life for you and not your family

That kind of option never existed for me before... its not part of my value system to base my life on myself.. that is not possible in collective cultures like asian and traditional ones... so i do most everything for them that is within my capability.. yet they still consider me selfish

malefeet said.I'm sure that you will make the decision that is right for you, not them.

I dont actually believe that is possible... I believe we live for others, not for ourselves... I am just tired of this treatment... so bloody tired... Ive concluded the differences are just entirely unovercomeable...

I used to think i would stay with my family and take care of the grandparents and parents, like a traditional Caribbean/Latin family... I never thought of any other possibility... I'm having a hard time with this

GreenHopper said so i do most everything for them that is within my capability.. yet they still consider me selfish

As did I for 23 years.....until I realized that unless I left and started living on my own, I would be forever chained to them and the way they thought I should live instead of my own ideas. I was taught that since they took care of me when I was small, that it was my obligation, my duty to stay with them for the rest of my life and take care of them until they died. It was perfectly fine for them to deny me the chance to live my own life. I was always told that I would fail at everything I attempted unless they were a part of it. I believe this is called being co-dependent, if so I was taught by my own family to be co-dependent on them. I have known of other Asian and traditionally raised guys to break away, and yes, it was hard.....but then, it's hard for any of us.

So is severing your ties with your family a strong consideration? Or do you think, based on your value system, that you will try to make it work, no matter how antagonistic your family is?

I understand this must be hard, but maintaining these type of relationships cannot be mentally healthy for you. You need to break free and surround yourself with those who love you for who you are. Whether they be kin or friends.

I dont actually believe that is possible... I believe we live for others, not for ourselves..

I too used to think like this.....and it led me down a road of co-dependency and clinical depression.

well I was depressed before.. Im over that.. but I believe everyone is and stays co-dependent no matter what we do... no man is an island... its just a matter of switching who you're co-dependent with.. as Creature said so well.. be it friend or kin

That last one brings with it another issue of course.. my family always taught me you can't depend on friends, only on family.. its that filial duty I'm referring to... you could call it a cultural safety net.... for me, dropping filial piety would be akin to a soldier deserting his army... its realistically speaking not even an option.. ugh im just so tired of having to deal with this.....

GreenHopper saidlol yes i am out... thats why they are cussing me off about it... before i was out they cussed others off in front of me, calling them mentally ill... now they just criticise me

btw its not all my family... its only my immediate family whom i have to deal with

Criticize you about what? That you have more sex than they all combined? That they will always have a babysitter for their kids and grand-kids? That you will always bring a new or different perspective to fights? That you will be able to provide for yourself and not in any danger to get dumped with several rug-rats on your parent's door-step? That your sibs and cousins have someone to help them with their kids? That your parents may have someone to take care of them, when all your siblings are busy with their families?

GreenHopper saidwell I was depressed before.. Im over that.. but I believe everyone is and stays co-dependent no matter what we do... no man is an island... its just a matter of switching who you're co-dependent with.. as Creature said so well.. be it friend or kin

That last one brings with it another issue of course.. my family always taught me you can't depend on friends, only on family.. its that filial duty I'm referring to... you could call it a cultural safety net.... for me, dropping filial piety would be akin to a soldier deserting his army... its realistically speaking not even an option.. ugh im just so tired of having to deal with this.....

True depression is not easy to put behind you. I have to disagree with the idea that everyone stays co-dependent.....it's true that no man is an island, but having friends and a lover and others in your life doesn't mean you depend on them every minute of every day to survive.

I wonder when the time comes that you do have a lover and you want to have a life together, if you will put the needs and wants of your family above his?

I think you need to have a discussion with your immediate family. I don't know if you have sat them down and had a long discussion with them. But if you haven't, be up front and tell them you can't live like this anymore. Tell them it's going to be heartbreaking not having a relationship with them since you have invested over 20 years of loving them, but you need to be surrounded by people who love you for you who are.

I'm really sorry to hear you're in this situation. I also come from a non-Western family where family is central. However that hasn't stopped some of my relatives from not speaking to one another and going about their own business. At least you have other relatives and friends to confide in.

GreenHopper saidlol yes i am out... thats why they are cussing me off about it...h

Criticize you about what? That you have more sex than they all combined?

ehm, i have a lot less sex than all of them... (not that that matters.. having sex is not an issue for anyone... they dont care if I were a priest lol)... if i were to have sex with people that will create a buzz in the community that I will be cussed off for damaging the family reputation... my demand for gay equality basically breaches the family contract lol.. this is a common issue in collective cultures.. and it makes me an outcast if you will... Ive dealt with it so far, but Ive just gotten tired of dealing with it lol

Ive lost all motivation to see them or speak to them.. which is sad, because they are really all I have... I have a few friends that I consider like family, but they are all very far way from me in Europe actually....

Ugh I need counseling again.. but I can't pay for that right now... being a student again has its downsides.... another thing I did for their sake lol, go to med school ... how many non-western students are there in med school to please their families? Im sure a great many.. why am I even complaining lol... So many ppl go through this ...

GreenHopper saidwell I was depressed before.. Im over that.. but I believe everyone is and stays co-dependent no matter what we do... no man is an island... its just a matter of switching who you're co-dependent with.. as Creature said so well.. be it friend or kin

That last one brings with it another issue of course.. my family always taught me you can't depend on friends, only on family.. its that filial duty I'm referring to... you could call it a cultural safety net.... for me, dropping filial piety would be akin to a soldier deserting his army... its realistically speaking not even an option.. ugh im just so tired of having to deal with this.....

True depression is not easy to put behind you. I have to disagree with the idea that everyone stays co-dependent.....it's true that no man is an island, but having friends and a lover and others in your life doesn't mean you depend on them every minute of every day to survive.

I wonder when the time comes that you do have a lover and you want to have a life together, if you will put the needs and wants of your family above his?

well traditionally speaking... a lover would never expect someone to put them ahead of their partner's families.. I know I would not....

I'd not "divorce them", but make it a point to go on about your business and limit their access to personal areas of your life. Maybe someday they willwant you involved (and thus willing to be more flexible) in family affairs.Good luck with that!

GreenHopper saidwell I was depressed before.. Im over that.. but I believe everyone is and stays co-dependent no matter what we do... no man is an island... its just a matter of switching who you're co-dependent with.. as Creature said so well.. be it friend or kin

That last one brings with it another issue of course.. my family always taught me you can't depend on friends, only on family.. its that filial duty I'm referring to... you could call it a cultural safety net.... for me, dropping filial piety would be akin to a soldier deserting his army... its realistically speaking not even an option.. ugh im just so tired of having to deal with this.....

True depression is not easy to put behind you. I have to disagree with the idea that everyone stays co-dependent.....it's true that no man is an island, but having friends and a lover and others in your life doesn't mean you depend on them every minute of every day to survive.

I wonder when the time comes that you do have a lover and you want to have a life together, if you will put the needs and wants of your family above his?

well traditionally speaking... a lover would never expect someone to put them ahead of their partner's families.. I know I would not....

GreenHopper saidOf your family because of all the gay slurs and you just dont wanna stick around em anymore....

Sheesh, never thought I'd be in that position.. I've always been the loyalest of family members.. but now that the demands of dating girls and getting married and putting up a front for society are constantly getting on the table.. I just dont wanna stick around anymore.. i wanna divorce my family.. help.. lol... how do you deal with that?... and my family is not Western. they hold VERY strongly to family relations... of course I will be accused of being proud and selfish by refusing to live up to their standards.. but my standards are just miles away from theirs to the point of irreconcilability.. sigh.

HndsmKansan saidI'd not "divorce them", but make it a point to go on about your business and limit their access to personal areas of your life. Maybe someday they willwant you involved (and thus willing to be more flexible) in family affairs.Good luck with that!

I dont really care anymore sadly... I am beyond caring what they want now...But yeah, limiting access to personal areas in a way IS divorce for us... they have a say in EVERYTHING in these cultures... even business and work is often family-run

GreenHopper saidOf your family because of all the gay slurs and you just dont wanna stick around em anymore....

Sheesh, never thought I'd be in that position.. I've always been the loyalest of family members.. but now that the demands of dating girls and getting married and putting up a front for society are constantly getting on the table.. I just dont wanna stick around anymore.. i wanna divorce my family.. help.. lol... how do you deal with that?... and my family is not Western. they hold VERY strongly to family relations... of course I will be accused of being proud and selfish by refusing to live up to their standards.. but my standards are just miles away from theirs to the point of irreconcilability.. sigh.

do they know you are gay?

Lol yes, everyone knows.. I am totally out ... they've known even before I was out.. used to discuss it when I was a child...

I had the slur weekend two weeks ago. Told my nephew to fuck off and go fuck himself. His mother, my sister, sat right next to him and said nothing. She said she didn't hear him say it even though I had him repeat it 3x. I'm not going to any family functions for the foreseeable future.