Jesse James has left the building of Arizona's Sierra Tucson Treatment Center after a scant week (or less!) within its addiction-free walls. Did he leave because Sandy kicked him out? A moving van was recently spotted at the Bullock-James manor, and tragic ragamuffin child Sunny James was spotted dragging belongings—like a skein of yarn—out of the house with her grandmother. "All of Jesse's pals have been talking about it.... It seems like Jesse just isn't that serious about rehab after all." He can't leave rehab; we don't even know why he was there, yet.[Star, E!, TMZ via GlasgowRose]

Jessica Alba is going to adopt: "If you have the love, and the capacity to love children, you should just adopt. And I plan on doing it." That's a pretty undermine-y way to put it, "if you have the capacity to love children." She sounds like Angelina circa 2002. [People]

Charlie Sheen wanted to quit Two and a Half Men, but then he realized he's not actually rich enough to walk away from $1 million per episode. [Radar]

Tiger Woods has so many hos in different area codes, he needs a private army to guard him. At his epic return to golf at the Masters, Tiger will be guarded by a "virtual army of private bodyguards—about 90 in all," all of whom "have received photos of the golf great's sexual conquests." Commented one guard, "None of these girls are allowed anywhere near him. If one photo comes out of a beautiful lady touching him, it would be a disaster." If an ugly chick wants to get up in his business, though, no foul. [NYDN]

Mariah Carey should name her next album Voyage of the Mimi. But that's not the gossip, which is this: Mariah turned 41 yesterday, and celebrated with boytoy hubby Nick Cannon "in a private villa at the salubrious Waldorf Astoria El Conquistador Resort." Check out that SAT vocab word. It means "favorable to or promoting health; healthful," which is the opposite of what most people do on their birthdays. (Namely: Drown brain cells in a sea of alcohol.) "They have a 24-hour butler and she has her own staff with her too." [Radar]

Boris and Natasha-esque gossip duo Rush & Molloy set their moose and squirrel sights this week on Wyclef Jean's wandering penis. Wyclef's tax-deductible mistress Lisa Ellis says someone keeps circulating a naked picture of her around Sony Music HQ—the same naked picture that prompted a "jealous rage" from Wyclef's wife when she found it on his cellphone. I wonder who is sending the picture. [NYDN]

Jennifer Hudson is super skinny these days. "After I had the baby, I made up my mind that I wanted to go in a different direction." She looks lovely. And hungry. [JJ]

Andre Balazs is thinking about turning Standard Hotel's scenester watering hole, the Boom Boom Room, into a private club. If you have to ask, no, you will not belong. [P6]