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Look at the redhead on the front of this week’s TV Choice magazine. Look at her expression of barely-masked grief at the pain of unrequited love. Many of us have asked the question that’s on her mind countless times before: darling, why don’t you love me? I would say that he probably doesn’t love you because of your innumerable physical and behavioural flaws. Nevertheless, there are ways to make him love you, and I will reveal them today.

I must admit that I have had to draw heavily from trusted secondary sources in putting together the guidance that you will find below. In particular, my gratitude goes out to Cosmopolitan magazine, that pillar of enlightened modern femininity, and therulesrevisited.com website (thank you Naomi for making me aware of this gem), written by, in his own words, a “ridiculously good looking, extremely intelligent” young man, which has a whole range of tips on how women can better their looks and behaviour in order to attract a mate.

As they say, practice makes perfect. I have therefore decided to trial some top tips selected from the best of The Rules Revisited and Cosmopolitan in the worthy endeavour of trying to woo my latest crush, BBC4’s fictional character, Inspector Montalbano, who can be spotted starring in his own series anytime you like on BBC Iplayer.

Mr Montalbano, why don’t you love me?

Spend 75% of your day staring at him

Says Cosmo,

“locking eyes with a guy doesn’t just tell him you’re interested, it can even make him feel like he’s falling in love with you … A study by Zick Rubin, former associate professor at Harvard University, US, found that lovers spent 75% of their time looking at each other … By encouraging him to gaze into your eyes by maintaining eye contact with him, you can lead his brain towards the idea of love. “The last time he stared into someone eyes for long periods of time, he was in love,” says sexpert Dr Pam Spurr … “So in theory, that could trigger his brain to recall feelings of love again”” (from Cosmo UK’s 12 steps to make him fall in love with you).

Biting logic there from Cosmo’s “sexpert” Dr Spurr. As advised, I have spent 75% of my day, that’s 12 of my waking hours, staring at Inspector Montalbano on screen, yet I’m not sure that he’s in love with me yet. Is it because he’s not looking directly at the camera? Will he arrest me for sexual harassment? What to do?

“Pretend you need him”

Cosmo has enlisted the brainpower of Dr Ian Kerner, the author of such seminal works as Overcoming Premature Ejaculation and Passionista: the Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring her Man, for this one:

““In this day and age when women are fiercely independent, a man can feel less able to give her what she needs – other than sex, what does he have to offer?” says Kerner. “So by relying on him a little – and letting him rely on you too – you’re allowing the bond between you to deepen. A good step towards falling in love.”” (from Cosmo UK’s 12 steps to make him fall in love with you).

As Cosmo points out, I am not sure that Inspector Montalbano can offer much more than his insatiable virility. But, advises Cosmo, he will not fall in love with me if he thinks that. I have therefore emailed him to let him know that I require his help in solving a criminal case in which I am embroiled (solving mysteries is what he does best): someone in the office at work has stolen my mug and I simply cannot bring the culprit to justice without his assistance. I hope, whilst he inspects our work kitchen with yours truly looking needy and vulnerable in the corner, Montalbano will fall head over heels for me.

“Feed him grapes”

According to Cosmo, if you want a man to love you, “feed him grapes”. But “a steak sandwich or baguette with fried onion or mushroom toppings” along with “an ice cold beer” are also viable options for the lady looking to hook a husband. (from Cosmo UK’s 12 steps to make him fall in love with you).

Do not show too much decolletage…or do…?

Says Cosmo, “take off the low-cut crop top … swap it for a contour-hugging top, by all means, but just go easy on how much flesh is on show” (From Cosmo’s Don’t be desperate tips). This is confusing, since, according to The Rules Revisited, “the more a woman dresses like a s***, the more attractive she is” (apologies for the editing out words here, but there are some words used by The Rules author that are so desperately offensive that I cannot even bear to type them). Says The Rules, as long as we “act like good girls”, we are still more likely to find a husband if we “dress like a w****”. What to do? What will Inspector Montalbano prefer? More clothes or less? (From The RulesHow to get the Right Kind of Attention article).

Date someone “below you league”

Says Cosmo, “get a date, but make sure it’s with someone several leagues below you in terms of attractiveness … it’ll provide you with invaluable experience of how not to behave like a desperado during a date.” (From Cosmo’s Don’t be desperate tips).

It is hard to say who is below and above me on the attractiveness scale (see The Rules for more on the ten point scale: ten point scale of attractiveness) but I sincerely hope I fall above our cherished leader David Cameron. Assuming that he is, in fact, below me on the scale, then, according to Cosmo, he would be a good target for a date whilst I’m trying to get experience in not acting desperate around Inspector Montalbano.

I have today written to Mr Cameron to ask him to take me for a drink sometime (I hear he’s partial to a whiskey now and then, especially whilst on UK Trade and Investment “missions” to visit the Saudi royals). I await a reply.

Try to look like him and copy his facial expressions

Says Cosmo and their “sexpert” Dr Spurr,

“We may not realise it, but we have a natural tendency to go for people who not only have similar interests and backgrounds to us, but also use similar facial expressions,” says Spurr. Researchers at the University of Liverpool found that we’re more likely to go for people who look similar to us” (from Cosmo UK’s 12 steps to make him fall in love with you).

Since I am now attempting to woo David Cameron (following Cosmo’s advice to date someone below my league in order to get experience for a later date with my target, Montalbano), I have been attempting to look, act and speak like our Prime Minister. This has also been a useful exercise for another reason: I know what our lovechild will look like, should David and I produce one.

Don’t have sex on the first date

Of course, when I do get a date with David Cameron, I will try my utmost to resist his passionate advances, since, if he thinks as The Rules Revisited suggests men do, he will be happy to make love to me but will consequently not wish to pursue a relationship with me due to my evident loose morals. Hypocritical of him? Yes, it would be. But men who maintain sexist double standards are surely the most desirable for natural women since they will encourage us in our mission to always to act in accordance with our strictly assigned gender role. (From The Rules, don’t f*** on a first date).

Put minty lip balm on your breasts

Says Cosmo, to entice your man, all you need to do is “trace your nipples with minty lip balm”. What an excellent idea. I will save this for when I am invited for dinner on Inspector Montalbano’s seaside veranda, or a meeting at Number 10. (From Cosmo’s25 ways to be boobilicious). On another note, this tip also works well if your breasts have been eating garlic.

Ignore him

Says Cosmo, “if you see a guy you like and he’s with a couple of other guys you know, say hello the others first (sic.). If you can, make out as though you haven’t noticed him, then suddenly give him a really warm smile hello (sic).” (From Cosmo’s Don’t be desperate tips).

I am going now. I need time to practice my “warm smile hello” in the mirror. They will love me. All of them.

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