(Closed) Considering cancelling wedding due to in-laws

I’ve got the inlaws from hell, as everyone has told me. They want to be part of this wedding planning process, just as much as my mother is. In my family, the bride plans the wedding with her mom, not with the inlaws. It’s stressing me out to no end.

I never wanted a wedding to begin with, but he’s the first in his family to get married, so I knew it was important to them. I just feel like things are getting out of hand now, and this is not going to be the wedding I want, and it will not be stress free.

His family wants to go dress shopping with me and is upset I said no. I ended up taking his sister just to try and make things better

His sister is upset she is not part of the wedding party. She’s only 18, immature, and makes me feel insecure (she constantly complains about needing to lose weight, when in fact she is super skinny and makes me feel overweight). Our wedding is less then 100 people, and I’ve got 3 attendents already (2 older sisters and a best friend)

His Mom called our wedding coordinator without asking, or even informing us she would. I told her I’d talk to the coordinator about the wedding the day before to figure out the rehearsal.

They feel they should be super involved, and the fact that we haven’t involved them as really upset them. We haven’t even gotten into details of the wedding and what we want, other than vendors, which are our choice anyway. I picked colors, but that was it. No centerpiece ideas, no flower ideas, nothing, so I can’t see why they are so upset.

My family told me to call his Mom and try to talk to her. It turned into a “Your stealing my son”, “He only does what you let him to”, “You lived with us, so we should be involved”, kind of thing. She also denied everything bad she ever said (including the speakerphone calls I heard), and blamed me for everything. I understand he’s the first to leave the home, but I feel like she’s overstepping here. When he called her, she denied everything she said to me and said she was fine with what we are doing. One example of denying is that she told us we live too far away to come to (25mins), and she claims she never said that and would never say that. The truth is, she has, many times, including telling me that we are only moving this far to get away from them.

So really, it goes on and on with everything. They are making me want to just cancel this wedding, as we are only 3 weeks into planning and I want to scream. We’ve got a venue, caterer (part of the venue), and a cake booked, that’s it. It’s not that much in deposits I’d lose, and my family is fine with whatever I picked.

I’ve warned my fiance that I’m going to become a basketcase because of everything I’m dealing with. I’m sick of being told one thing and him being told another. I’m a mess, and I feel guilty not involving them now. I know this is what they want – to guilt me into everything. I would have involved his sister, but we don’t see eye to eye, and honestly, if I’m stuck getting dressed in the same room as her, I have a feeling I’ll break down.

My parents have told me to do what I want during all of this, and that it is my wedding. They really aren’t getting involved in choices, just footing the bill and letting me do what I want, which is great. I’m the last in the family to get married, out of 3 girls, so they’ve been through it before and understand. Neither of my sisters had this issue with the inlaws, so I haven’t had anyone to really relate to.

Am I nuts to consider cancelling this whole thing and eloping? My family doesn’t care, and his said before it’s up to us, but told us that they want to be there for it (what’s the point then?). I’m trying to compromise, and not be a bridezilla with all of it, but I’m becoming one because of all the stress.

We have not sent out our save the dates yet, as I want to decide this before we waste our money printing them.

1. They are right to want to be involved. They will be a part of your family. Weddings are about families coming together. I think you need to throw them a bone.

2. Weddings are also about establishing boundaries with family so that you and your FI can create your own family. Cancelling the wedding will do nothing but blow things up in a horribly immature way. You need to set healthy boundaries while compromising a little – do the adult thing.

3. You say you are trying to compromise, but it doesn’t sound like you are. At all. Can’t have your cake and eat it too. Why does it matter that you have one more bridesmaid? Why does your future SIL’s insecurity about her weight get you down? Be confident in yourself and your choices. Don’t let an 18-year-old get the best of you.

Your struggles with his mom aren’t about the wedding, they are about you taking over as the dominant woman in his life. Eloping won’t change that. Cancelling the wedding won’t help the situation. You need to be an adult and act like husband and wife, and draw the lines with his mom together.

Hi – I’m sorry you are having a difficult time. Reading this type of thing makes me feel truly blessed to have great in-laws.

I think a sit down conversation with your FI and his family is in order to understand their desires. Then the TWO of you can best decide how to “include” them. It is up to the two of you to make decisions. If they are not contriibuting financially then they don’t really get a final say in anything. Many, many people have opinions on things but it’s up to you to decide what works best for you.

I also do not agree that you should have his sister as a bridesmaid just to appease them. Bridesmaids are hugely important to me and not a role to be taken lightly. I think i would limit how much (if anything) you discuss with your FMIL regarding the wedding.

So my FI was raised to never speak back to his parents, which is one of the biggest issues we have. He refuses to stick up for me when it comes to things, as he doesn’t want to hurt their feelings, but at the same time, doesn’t want me upset. They act like all they want to do is use him for everything – we’ve never once visited without a “to do list” – ie replace a timer on the wall, install a dimmer, fix the pool, close the pool, open the pool, do this, do that. Of course, he doesn’t say no. We go over for his birthday and they still want him doing things.

My biggest issue with “throwing them a bone” is that you give them an inch, they take a mile. For example – if I asked them for putting together favors, they would take whatever I want, flip it 360 degrees to what they want, and ignore me. That’s how they work. 7

Maybe he really needs to grow up and speak to them, which I was hoping would have happened 5 years ago but it never did. They have been trying to get us to go to the beach with them 2 weeks before our wedding, and they just don’t understand “NO”.

His sisters insecurties bother me, as I need to lose weight as well. Having her constantly remind me about this makes me unhappy. Who wants to constantly be reminded that they need to lose weight while focusing on their special day? I wanted short bridesmaid dresses, she complains about her legs. It’s like I can’t win with anything I want, and I always have to give them what they want. I’ve always given in to them over the years, so this is one time I really wish I could have what I wanted.

Three bridesmaids is already too many for me, and a forth does not make me comfortable. He only has one currently, and may have a second, we aren’t sure. I know people put opposite sex on other sides, but I’m not sure how his family would view this. She could then stand with him, and I wouldn’t have to worry about her.

I’m beyond stressed at this point and already have had a few breakdowns over this. Seriously three weeks into this and I’m so stressed.. I am so worried about it will be in a month, three months, and the day before. It’s a nightmare as he refuses to deal with it.

@crayfish: I completely agree that cancelling the wedding would be a bad idea and would do nothing for the OP’s relationship with her future in-laws.

@snoie: Why don’t you let your future in-laws throw a bridal shower for you? If they’re so excited about you becoming part of their family, and really want to be involved, then just let them throw you a shower–they’ll be delighted, and it’ll give them something to do. Or if someone else is already planning a shower for you, then have them talk to your FMIL so she can bring food/wine/decorations.

It does sound like your FMIL is being unreasonable in some ways–25 minutes is not that far of a drive, you should go dress shopping with whomever you want, you are supposed to choose your own bridesmaids, and your FMIL should not be calling your wedding coordinator. But you’re about to be in their family too, so you need to carefully pick your battles. If I were in your position, I would ask my FI to kindly let his mom know that she should not call your wedding coordinator. However, like crayfish said about the bridesmaid issue, I might just suck it up and ask your FI’s sister to be in the wedding party if you think it would smooth things out. There’s no right or wrong # of attendants and it sounds like it would make both of them very happy.

Do NOT cancel your wedding. That is you running away from the in-laws. Even after you are married they will still find other ways to drive you crazy, you can’t avoid it. And then they will hang it over your head for the rest of your life. You sound like you know what you want- so go GET IT! I agree with trying to throw them a bone- but you know your limits, you don’t want them dress shopping, and you don’t want the little sister in your bridal party. Give them something to do to help out that you are *comfortable* with. My cousin really wants to help- so I’m letting her make my veil… just give them a task so they feel included. It helps if its something you really don’t want to deal with anyway- so you are glad to give it up and you really are glad they are helping.

You need to stand up for yourself. Don’t let them control you or your FI. Try to make the most of it but don’t feel bad about saying No to things.

I would also call all your vendors and tell them NOT to speak to your in-laws. Let them know that they may call and that they are not paying for anything. Tell your vendor to tell your In-Laws that they can only speak with the bride.

Don’t cancel over this! I can totally relate as I had the very same thoughts and feelings until a good friend of mine reminded me of something – I love HIM and it is not HIS fault that his family is this way. Yes, his family comes along with him as a package deal but you don’t have to see them everyday (at least I hope not). His mom wanted to go dress shopping with me too and she was so offended when I told her that I bought a dress. She took over total control of the shower without ever speaking to my mom. She puts her two cents in everytime (about recieving lines, ceremony seating, food choices, decor, etc.) and it irritates me to no end! That’s why we need to move soon after the wedding! I can totally relate to you…vent….get it all out!

I’m thinking if I continue this, I may need to hire a wedding planner, as it could stop some of the stress and bickering.

I know my sister had talked about asking them to help her plan a bridal shower, as she knows all of the things going on. They are planning the rehearsal as well, I just asked to be able to figure out the time of it (my family lives 3+ hours away, with one sister being 7 hours). Other than that, since they are financing it, they can decide what happens. A friend of mine had flowers at her rehearsal, and reused them as the petals on the wedding day. I brought this up to his Mom (offering to pay for flowers if they wanted them) and she was all “We will see” in the snottiest tone.

My family is footing the rest of the bill, and I’m paying for my own dress, so I do feel like I have more of a say in things. I don’t want to be a control freak, but if I’m stuck having a wedding I never wanted to begin with, I at least want it to be something I’d like.

Has anyone had someone of the opposite sex on their side? I am really thinking of just having FI have her to make things work, I just don’t want it to seem too weird. I know it’s something that is done now, but wasn’t sure what other people thought about it. I feel if I have to have her on my side, then I would want one of my guy friends on his. He even told his Mom that he wouldn’t be comfortable with being forced to have someone he doesn’t really know, so why should I. No one gets it.

I’ve never been this stressed out over something, it’s not what I wanted in planning a wedding. I thought the stress would be from decisions, not his family trying to run everything.

I do want to plan a time to sit down and talk with them, I just have a bad feeling it’s going to turn into a big fight, as anytime we even say anything they are not happy with, they get upset and start blaming us. I’m just not sure how to go about this.

Oh.. and even my parents have commented about his being controlling and needing to back off. In our family, the bride plans, not the inlaws. It’s been that way for generations, and I wanted to stay with how my family is.

Eloping is really what I wanted to begin with, which is why I’ve considered to go back to it. I feel stupid dropping 20k on a day I never wanted, and really I could care less about. I could buy a car for that, or put more money into our mortgage!

Yikes. This sounds like a sticky situation. I understand that you want the wedding you (never) wanted, and that they are not paying for the wedding itself, so should not have a large say. However, I think you should find some wedding things that they can help with. It is your wedding, but it is also the wedding of their son. I understand their wanting to be involved.

Let them plan the rehearsal dinner without limitations. My future in-laws are. They haven’t asked my opinion and honestly I don’t expect them to. They are paying for the party.

Personally, I would include his sister in the bridal party. It is her brother’s wedding. I know that I want to be in my brother and sister’s weddings. I think it’s a very easy concession to make, and not including her could lead to a lifetime of hurt feelings, and she is just a child (ok, young adult).

Can I ask why you didn’t want his mother going to look at gowns with you? It seems like an easy thing to include her in. Was there concern over her attitude/criticism? Or do your mothers not get along?

Maybe the posts aren’t really all-inclusive or clear, but it reads as though you’re not really making any compromises. I’m learning through my wedding planning that families merging = big time compromises

@futuremjm: I wanted my wedding dress to be a surprise to everyone, as having them come means it will somehow it back to my FI. It was important for me to have it a surprise for his family, and the majority of mine. My Mom and a girlfriend were all I planned to take, as I wanted her opinion, as well as a girlfriends (since I have no idea what “looks good” – I’m the fool that wears strips with plaids, etc).

The whole wedding party thing I understand, but at the same time, I was in my sisters and would not have been offended if they didn’t ask me. I knew nothing about the wedding, didn’t help plan the shower, was too young to go the bachelorette party, and basically was told where to be and when. It didn’t bother me not being involved in everything, but I know if I asked his sister to be part of it, she would take even more offense not being involved in all the other stuff.

I hate being the jerk in all of this, which is the other reason I’d rather just cancel. I was hoping one of his siblings would get engaged/married first, or at least move out and grow up, so things would be better.

@JaneDomani: He was fine with either way. He wasn’t sure if he wanted a wedding, and is still not sure now. He knows how stressed I am is has told me to do what I feel is right. He also doesn’t care about his sister not being part (he understands he wouldn’t want someone he doesn’t know/like as part of his wedding party).

@snoie: If he’s ok with you eloping and you want to, then do it. BUT if you are deciding to elope to avoid family drama, there’s really no point to it… families will create drama with or without a weddding. And it may create more drama if they miss out on a wedding- a really important event in their child’s life.

Don’t feel like a jerk, because you are not. It is YOUR wedding. The people around you should want to help make it a special day for YOU and your FI… its really NOT about them or what they want especially because they are not paying. Include them yes, but in a way that you are comfortable. Do not allow them to stress you out. Just say no firmly, but soften the blow with that you would like them to help in other ways and once you have done a little more research you will contact them for help. Don’t allow them to make you feel like less of a good person because what you want isn’t what they want. You are not making these decisions to hurt them, you are doing it because you have a certain vision of your wedding and because you want personal time with your family.

Do include them, but again, include them on YOUR terms– and don’t feel bad about it!

Oh and I forgot to mention, I have a Bridesman on my side! I asked him to be a groomsman but he wanted to be with me. So I said ok. I’ve known him for over 10 years and he’s a really good friend of mine. I thought I made up the term “Bridesman” but when I looked on line a lot of people were doing it these days. I’m going to pick out a more colorful tux for him so its clear he is one of mine.

If he wants to include his sister he could put her in a black and white dress so its closer to the tux colors to make clear she is on his side and NOT a BM. And that will work out better to try to make things more even in your wedding party. You can have her stand on his side and hang out with him before hand. The experience will probably mean more to her that way because she will get to spend more time with her brother on his wedding day.

You FI needs to be the one to talk to them, moreso than yourself. You can only do so much to stand up for yourself, but he needs to be able to put his family in place.

You both need to be entering this marriage on the same page, so I suggest sitting down with FI to discuss how its going to be approached. Tell him your concerns. If he can’t reign them now, then it will only get worse after you marry.

I’ve had issues with in-laws (only a couple), but FI and I had a long sit down to discuss and now we have come up with a plan if something should occur again. We’re on a united front.