On Marriage

I have always thought of my mom as a fairly liberal minded person. But recently she has begun mouthing some quite traditional views.

For example, she has taken to asking me whether my single friends are “not thinking about getting married?” And of those who are married: “Don’t they want to have children?”

To which I generally point out with some exasperation that not everyone wants/needs to get married and have babies to be happy and that it is quite possible to live a perfectly fulfilling life without going down either route.

To which she unfailingly replies: “But you did. And now you’re having a baby.”

To which I patiently point out (again) that a) even if I did, does not mean this is the best route for everyone b) I did because it seemed the right thing to do at the time and not because it was some goal that I aspired to as necessary for happiness. Had I not been married, I could have lived with it (I think).

The last time this came up, I kind of lost it. I was disappointed that she was spouting the same schtuff as every other aunty on the block. I was afraid that she was saying this sort of thing to other people, becoming one of the tormentors of the unmarried and the unbabied.

She assured me that she was not and that whenever people told her they were worried about their daughters getting married, she would tell them not to fret and that she would never ask someone why they were not married or not having a baby. I believed her but I still worried about the disjunct between what she voiced to outsiders (blessedly sane) and what she actually thought (weird). While she might not be so insensitive as to ask the persons concerned directly, what she might discuss in her friends circle was different. And I felt that these views were perpetuating the same oppressive system of expectations for women.

But recently I have begun to examine my own belief system also.

It’s well and dandy to say “Ok I did it, but I don’t think it’s for everybody”. And I do believe that.

But what do I really think?

I am essentially following the traditional pathway to happiness. I got married – fairly early by modern (and my own) standards – and am having a baby after a decent interval. Admittedly, in my marriage I am pretty much non-traditional in that I refuse to conform to the niceties of wifely or daughter-in-law behaviour.

But I do enjoy marriage – in the warm cozy sense that movies make out marriage to be. I enjoy always having a guaranteed someone to come home to, to stand with at parties if all else fails, to talk to (also if all else fails), to hang out with, to go on holidays with, to stick to in bed, to be on the same team with (though this is not always the case). I wouldn’t say V is my best friend – he really needs to up his ante on the heart-to-hearts – but we do have fun together.

I know I was incredibly lucky to just stumble upon this person who was a good fit with me and that he continues to remain a good fit.

I have never been able to countenance the arranged route but I wonder, had I not “found anyone” when I was say 35, would I have caved?

When V was first sounding me out on how serious I was about our relationship, he asked me my thoughts on marriage. I rolled my eyes and said: “I used to think it was unnecessary. Now I think it is inevitable. Eventually.” I was 23 then.

So while I say it is perfectly possible not to get married and be happy, do I really believe it?

First, do I believe that it is possible for me to not to be married and be happy? One thing moving out of my parents home and marriage has taught me is that I do not do well living alone. I need another living breathing person in the house, and preferably I need that person to be V. So, despite everything I have since I was 7 years old, marriage is probably the best fit for me, and I will not do well as a widow.

But what of other people who are not such wimps?

The fact is that most single people I know do want to get married (or if not necessarily formally married, find a long-term partner). They do seem to be on the lookout and marriage is something that is factored into their long-term plans. It is generally me, ironically the happily married one, shouting from the rooftops that marriage is not the only way. Why am I encouraging people away from a path that has made me happy?

Let me qualify. Although I don’t know any Indians who seem perfectly happy to remain unmarried forever, I have met a couple of Chinese women who seem genuinely content in the unmarried state. They are not on the prowl at all. They are career-oriented, have plenty of friends, a host of extracurricular activities and a close family circle. They are both devoted aunts, so they get the baby fix too.

And of course, Hong Kong has plenty of single men. They live a life of the perma-20s: spending heady evenings in the pubs, moving from one relationship to another when things get complicated or simply eschewing relationships and just buying sex.

But it’s when it comes to old age that I falter. Although the trend is for people to save for their retirement and hopefully not be dependent on their children, having children does provide you with something of a cushion just as having a partner does. Not just financially but also in terms of care in case of deteriorating help.

Is it possible for siblings, nieces and nephews to really fill this gap? Will friends come through in the end? Is it possible to have enough money to buy professional care?

This is the real reason marriage is encouraged by society. I do believe it is possible, though incredibly hard, to raise happy children without two parents. But marriage and children also provides social security. Is this – the fear of being alone with noone to care for one in old age – a good enough reason to marry and stay married even if one’s prospective partner is far less than perfect?

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12 thoughts on “On Marriage”

Now that is such an honest post! I find myself thinking on similar lines, very often. It's interesting that you draw the India and HK comparison, because well, to some extent it CAN be generalized that way. Most Indians are used to seeing a sense of family and security around them.. it's difficult to say you can do without it, till you actually do.My view on this changed a full 180 degrees after staying alone in an apartment for 8 months.. boy, I was a wreck, trying to stretch the nights at work just to buy some extra hours before I had to return to an unlit, cold, empty apartment. I am not cut out for it. My guess is a lot of us are not.

Hong Kong is somewhere in between India and the West in that people here are very close to thier families too. So the women I know who are single and not keen to be married are very involved in their families (ie- parents, siblings and their nieces and nephews). But I wonder what when their parents/siblings are no more… will the nephews/nieces who they are playing an active role in raising, take care of them?The other interesting thing about HK is that women are overtaking men in terms of university education. So we're seeing a generation of highly-qualified and career-achieveing women who are not always able to find men who they considr their equals. Moreover, the men have an easy cop-out… across the border on the Mainland are women who are much more erm pliant. Result: many HK single women (who are resentful of Mainland women). So here too there are lots of women stressing out about finding a suitable partner, but I do see more women who appear fine with being single indefinitely compared to India. About the loneliness thing… I hear you! I have written many an angst-ridden post about staying home alone so much so that some of my commenters have kindly told me to get a life! But now I have come to accept that this is just me. I don't do well alone, though I do better if I'm in a vibrant city where I can distract myself. My question though was whether the fear of loneliness (especially in old age when one's parents or siblings might not be around) is sufficient grounds for marriage even if one has not found the ideal partner (and by this I don't mean Mr. Perfect but more Mr. Somewhat-Perfect). Also, I guess, is marriage and children a guarantee against loneliness?

I am unmarried, hopeless (oh and loveless) romantic. But I believe in marriage, children, grandchildren, crazy family get-togethers, the works.But here's a line that I've come to know by-heartThis, hopefully is all there is to it ?From the movie "Shall We Dance""We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on this planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But, in a marriage, you are promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all the time, every day. You're saying, 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness."

@Janani and DipaliA very romantic quote that struck a chord with me when I watched the movie too. Though, from a practical point of view, can't parents serve as such a witness too? Or siblings? My parents (or at least my mom) is definitely more interested in every detail of my life than my husband. V is hardly curious about what I ate for lunch, for example, but my mom still asks me this stuff. Moreoever, just as with my question about loneliness, is marriage a guarantee of securing such a witness? Maybe if this is how the relationship started out then yes. But is this the understanding in all marriages, especially the ones that happen in the traditional arranged way? Maybe it is, not sure though. My question is in encouraging people to aspire towards marriage as a logical life-step, is there reasonable expectations that it will result in these things… financial and emotional support, companionship in later life, witnessing? Of course there cannot be a 100% guarantee but can one reasonably expect that say 90% of the time, this is what you will get if you get married?

But Bride, even if one does get married… and have kids… that is no guarantee that there will be an ever after, let alone a happy one! Partners can separate or in extreme cases, can die. Kids can grow distant emotionally or can physically move away across oceans and countries. I'm not sure that being a couple is the way to go. And if we are quoting movie lines here, then I'm going for the line from 'About a Boy' where Marcus' character says at the end "two people isn't enough. You need backup. If you're only two people, and someone drops off the edge, then you're on your own. Two isn't a large enough number."Its lovely when you are lucky enough to find that someone who inspite of all of your oddities and mental-ness wants to spend their eternity with you. But I just don't think that's enough. I'm with Marcus on that.

Actually, that's the question I am asking at the end of the post and also in the comments above. Of course, there are no guarantees… of anything in life. But my question is can one make some assumptions based on probabilities. By hitching one's star to another, is there, say, an 80% chance that one will have better financial security and companionship in old age? And by having kids does one up that percentage to 90%? Are those numbers good enough to bet on? Again, one can only speculate contextually. Like the probabalities of a marriage working out in India, or between Indian people, would be different from the West where attitudes to marriage and the social structure are different. Of course, there is no substitute to financial independence but having the security of immediate family provides an additional cushion in old age. I'm actually more concerned with old age here. I think it's perfectly possible to be happy and secure as a single young and middle-aged person. But what's life like as a single old person (say, 70 plus with health issues). I'd love to hear examples of how singledom in old age can be negotiated without immediate family (here I'm assuming parents are no longer alive, siblings and close friends are old themselves). And I'm not saying one should marry anyone that comes along for the sake of the distant future. I'm saying that maybe I shouldn't be so dismissive of parents who point children done the tried and tested safer path. Finally, I'm kind of playing devil's advocate here. I don't entirely believe everything I'm saying myself 🙂

This question really resonated with me: “Why am I encouraging people away from a path that has made me happy?”

I am too newly married to actually be making any statements on life with a permanent partner. But to be honest, I find myself telling my unmarried friends that marriage isn’t really the be all and end all and they shouldn’t be bogged down by social pressure. But now that you’ve said this, I’m wondering whether I overdo this to a point that I actually sound like I’m consoling them. I don’t know why I do that. :S I don’t think these are my real thoughts.

It’s interesting you commented on this because I’ve been rethinking my views on marriage. I’ll do a post soon.

I think I do believe that marriage is not the be all and end off. Frankly, it’s quite an absurd arrangement. However, telling this to people who really want to get married might not go down well. Depends on the person, I guess. Some want to hear it, others find it patronising.

My post will be about marriage in general, so here’s my two bits on what to say to people who are agonising about getting married: it’s important to acknowledge their feelings and their desire to get married as valid. While marriage may not be all that, people would like the opportunity to see for themselves. But we can also mention that there are many routes to a fulfilling life. I guess it’s important to mention both.