Saturday, June 27, 2009

"You have to show them that you're really not scaredYou're playin' with your life, this ain't no truth or dareThey'll kick you, then they beat youThen they'll tell you it's fairSo beat it, but you wanna be bad

This piece is all that I will post about the passing of Michael Jackson.

Also, to say that I thoroughly have enjoyed listening to his music the past 24 hours on constant music video marathons - quite interesting and entertaining. I was surprised to have liked a lot of the songs he did after the 'Thriller' album and all the plastic surgery. He was and is a legend and I truly believe there will never be anyone like him; much so in retrospect of Elvis and The Beatles.

But don't let Jackson's death overshadow those of two other big names in the entertainment industry. Ed McMan and Farrah Fawcett passed this past week along with the King of Pop, and weneed to remember them as well.

Yes, they are not AS huge as Jackson, but still, they were human beings that deserve to be honored and mourned as well.

So I'm going to go ahead and say it - Quit freaking out people! - for goodness sakes, he's in a better place! Trust me, I'm afraid to die sometimes and for the people I care about most to die, but as much as that scares me, it also brings me joy to know that we'll move on to a much more enjoyable and free-ing life with God and His Son.

---

Unfortunately I don't know for sure where a lot of the people I look up to in the Film industry, Music industry and Art/Photography industries will go when they die. That's one of the unfortunate part about celebrities, most of us rarely get to meet them, to know them; to really see what kind of a person they are and how genuine they truly can be.

I don't worry my head over it every day, but sometimes I get in a state of wonderment about what all these famous people really are like and if the faith they probably had when they were younger will really come through for them in the end. I don't believe that you need to be an amazingly fanatic Christian person and be that way your whole life, but so many of these people in the Entertainment industry haven't been either or.

I actually think to myself sometimes, I wonder if when they get to the pearly gates, will they start an argument with God about all the issues we have with each other in present day?

You know? I have a feeling some might! And in a way, that's hysterically funny, but on the other hand, it's an odd kind of defiance and just...wrong.

So, maybe instead of being upset over these people's deaths, take some time to think over how you can not only pray but in any little way possible help these kinds of people get stronger faith. Yeah, there's slim to none chances of you ever meeting the people you look up to or who entertain you with their talents, but still, every little bit helps. Every single person has a way of helping others understand God and his mission & purpose more.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

One moment I'm in this huge fight and discussion with my parents about where my life is going; and the next the three of us are driving around Naples talking calmly and having a good time.

I get upset or ticked at people for the tinyest things and don't know what to do with myself; then I wish I'd never said anything and just been the great friend I know I am.

Life can suck one moment and the next it's crazy/beautiful.

There's no possible way to acurately describe myself and the situations I'm in anymore except through quotes and lyrics.

Odd..but true.

Emotions speak louder than words, through song. I guess..?

Everywhere I go anymore, a card or label on a box or something on a menu reminds me of my closest friends. I love it.

I'm beyond, BEYONDblessed to have the friends that I have. Just...amazing people are in my life right now and it's beyond my mind capacity to figure out how these kinds of people exist.

According to my Dad: "I wish that I had friends like you when I was younger, Lauren. None of your friends deserve you and your generosity. None of them. You're such a wonderful and talented person, with an amazingly giving heart."

I do not lie; after a huge fight and a few discussions I had with my parents this evening, my Dad and I talked about random different things, including friends. I have a different kind of relationship with both parents than most, it's a good & bad thing.

And he's said that same quote before a couple times.

I agree with him, then again I don't.

Sometimes I wonder if certain people deserve me, but I know that a small handful do. There are just certain people that come into your life and then your heart that are just meant to be there and need to be there. To remind you every day that you're still loved despite what un-blood-related people have said otherwise in the past. And visa versa. These people that are just meant to be loved just as much as you need loving from someone who isn't related to you, they deserve it. There are so many other people out there that I think deserve these kind of friend-type-relationships, but I just have not found them yet.

Or they haven't found me..

Also, sometimes, I feel as though you really have to shove it into other peoples minds that it's okay to be honest with you, whether you've heard it before or not. Whether you feel as though they are listening to the core of what you're saying or not. Or, whether you're hearing them out or not. OR, whether you cannot decide how to respond to the compassion and sincere words they've put in front of you.

The truth is..I take my anger or frustration or sadness out on the people I least want to. Ranging from my friends to my parents to my pets to my siblings to inatamite objects, sometimes even myself. This is a habit that has to be broken, not needs to, has to. I can't hurt the wrong people anymore, make it seem like I don't appriciate them, or care for them anymore. I truly apologize if I've made it seem like any of the above were true, cause they are not. Nor will they ever be. [ insert smiley face here. ]

I love every single one of you silly sweethearts, so just deal with it..

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Sometimes, like right now, I don't give a damn if I sound selfish or like a bitch. I really want to lock myself in a room with nothing but my favorite music, some paper to doodle on, a pen, and a big pillow. Just cry and be myself, all by myself and not have to worry about what and who is outside the door.

-- i don't know what to do or how to act around anyone, anymore. no one.-- i feel like i say all the wrong things at the wrong times to say them.-- even though i'm told that i'm loved, i still feel like i can never live up to my parents expectations lately.-- not having any clue as to why, but i hate the fact that i've never been someone's best friend, but i've considered them mine.-- i don't mind if i fail the drivers test again, but i mind if it makes it appear as though i've put no effort into it.-- my life is crumbling around me, everything and everyone and i know there's not much i can do to stop the cracks on the walls of my life.-- i feel as though i'm so self-absorbed sometimes, comparatively to my friends who have been through so much more than me.-- there are certain people i just never want to hear their opinion of certain subjects, ever again; never ever again.-- i really don't know how to describe my life or who i am or where i'm going. it doesn't scare me but makes me feel insecure every now and then.

Reality sucks,basically.And I want to live in Wonderland with Alice & her friends.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

someone like you.somebody"- KoLi hate coming back to reality, point blank. i hate being rude and obnoxious.i hate not talking to my closest friend for almost a week.i hate that i don't know what i'm going to do with myself in july & august.i hate that i can't make up my mind about someone.i hate that i probably won't see most of my local friends past the month of august, for a long time.i hate that i don't have my drivers license yet. ---i love that i have as many great friends as i do now; especially in comparison to where i was at this time last year.i love that i still have pen-pals.i love that i could possibly be starting a new life in the fall.i love that i'm taking control of my body and eating habits when i wanted to; not when someone else wanted me to.i love that i'm taking more chances, whether i'm the only one who notices or not.i love that i no longer take a side in politics.i love that i'm getting used to seeing photos of myself.i love that i found love through friendship just when i needed it.and i love that they see me through all my flaws and are more accepting than i could have ever asked for.love&hugs,- L

Monday, June 15, 2009

i had an awesome weekend until sunday night...and yeah, well, that's all i have to say.

i'm doing my best to not publicly complain, cause i hate sounding like an ass or hurting others feelings or letting others know they hurt mine.

although it's really stupid to say beforehand and looks like i'm doubting myself, i know almost 100% that i will fail that part of the drivers test again. most likely will wind up taking it four or five times. i hope not, but i hate any sort of studying and when i do study, i get bored and can't seem to remember the important things i need and have to know.

i haven't responded to letters for two weeks cause of stuff in my life that's just annyoing and brain-wise time consuming for me. the past week all i've read is the drivers manual, nothing else. despite wanting to read a 608 page novel through the summer; i should have started a month ago.