Sunday, 5 February 2017

1-8+9

Not blogging for a while has been deliberate, we I, have wanted to give number nine room. (See previous post). What has been amazing to discover though, is just how unconnected things really are. Physically and emotionally. It's been like trying to incorporate two complete unknowns that have always been together. I imagine it's what separated identical twins feel like meeting after years of being apart. Both knowing each other in such a deep way but at the same time not knowing.

It feels sad, overwhelming but also a right path to walk. We have had to work through 1-8 feeling abandoned and jealous of number9. Fights have broken out where 1-8 have flatly refused to cooperate in letting number9 be seen. It's taken a lot of care and reassurance to manage both parties. Number9 still doesn't speak, I'm not sure she ever will, instead given room she jerks and twitches our whole body. She hides and refuses to give 1-8 any word to say. On occasion 1-8 have begged for words (especially in public settings) but as I said I think we are coming to the conclusion that number nine may never speak. It's hard then to try and in corporate her on a daily level as she has so much physical control. We have also discovered that our kneck is no mans land, our kneck belongs to neither number9 or 1-8, often if an argument is occurring we have found its best to make that space as wide as possible and stare at the ceiling.

Thankfully I/we live in an accepting place. So weather number9 twitches and jolts us on or 1-8 logically try to plan swirl and articulate there is no sense of shame. Historically I suppose shame was everyone's enemy, but shame has been evicted in place of acceptance. All that is left is to give everyone a chance. You see number9 does hold some ace cards. She is what can move us physically, she is what can bring unshakeable hand eye coordination and space awareness. This has been a blessed relief after years of 1-8 knocking things over and being unable to get through door ways without bruising our arms. It's also been quite amazing her ability to save 1-8 from being stuck in chairs on the wrong sides of rooms or in bed.

Anyway I'm not sure how much sense this will make to many of you, it feels quite vulnerable making all our journeys public. However it also feels right.