Holiday

I know. Christmas is coming. Christmas is coming and I’m not looking forward to it. I may not be alone on Christmas but I won’t be with family. I will probably be alone with my two dogs. I do have a couple of friends here but they have family here also. The only thing worse than being alone is being with someone else’s family.

Thanksgiving was awful. I couldn’t bear weight and my left leg hurt. There was no turkey, or pie, or any trimmings. I made a sandwich and shared a bite with the dogs. My youngest son sent me a text to tell me Happy Thanksgiving and I thanked him wishing him one too. I emailed my older son but he hasn’t answered. I won’t be doing any shopping for Christmas. I don’t have an address to send gifts to. I have a tree up but no decorations. No one will see it so I don’t care.

Today I bought jalepeno peppers to make poppers for a friend who requested them. It reminded me of the holidays because I always make them then. I hurried and finished my shopping not wanting to cry in the store. I even smiled at the check out clerk. The groceries are put up and I am alone where it’s safe. I no longer cry every day and every night I remind myself as my tears fall. But tonight will be long as I allow myself to remember it’s almost Christmas.

For the first time in several years I will not be cooking a turkey or trimmings. I will not have family here to visit. I am too far away from them today. I miss them and wonder if this is what I deserve. Is this what old age has in store for me?

To my older son – enjoy your family. To Joe- make our stuffed jalepenos and enjoy.