11/02/2018

WHAT HAPPENED IN JANUARY?

I missed creating aesthetics & writing my heart out on this blog... but JanuarywAs A bEaSt(fuck you, January). As many of you might've already known, myinternship started last December, and (to put it simpler) it felt as if I am livinga double identity in a singular human body. I have to go to work everyday fromMonday to Friday from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m., and on top of that, continue my life asa desperate final year student who has to work on his thesis. I was, as you put itin the millennial internet slang, sHoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoKeTh.This post had been sitting in my blog archive for a hot minute — as I continueto desperately try to balance between my final year student & internship life,all interspersed with 5 a.m. morning alarms and a couple of mental breakdownshere & there. January 2018 was a lot of growing up for me. Student life was mysafety blanket — but very quickly after the commence of my internship, I plungedhead first into an incredibly stressful job. A teacher. Never in a million years wouldI envisage myself working as a teacher, but here I am, sitting on my ridiculously tinysingle bed in my uni hostel (which I'll be moving out in a few months' time after I havegraduated), typing i aM A tEAcHEr as a matter of fact. I have a feeling "What HappenedIn *insert whatever month*" will be a regular series on this blog from now on — and youknow what?I'm actually not sorry about that.A lot has happened in January. I spent ashit tonne of time tearing down and reconstructing my new identity as a working adult,trying my best to figure out what really matters in life and what doesn't, and who reallymatters and who doesn't. I am going to split this post up into a few parts, so grab a cupof hot tea and some snacks — and let's talk about what really happened in my January.

Towards the end of 2017, I met this boy (I will name him J) online and I was hit bythe realization that "hey you are a twenty-fucking-one-year-old biatch and if youDO NOT start doing something you are going to get old and ugly and saggy and allwrinkly soon and nobody is going to look at you and think hey I would totally fuckhim and marry him so grow your guts and start confessing to the boy you have acrush on YOU fucking IDIOT". And so, I gathered all my guts and confessed to J —and to my delightful surprise— he told me he is bisexual. And soon, we startedchatting & flirting like what every other online couples do — & like every otheronline couples do, a good old push-and-pull love game is, sadly, unavoidable.

I. never. really. understood. the. game.

My first half of January was spent (literally)entirely on texting and snapchatting with J,

waking up every morning with his face stuck in my mind, swooning over his witty replies,going to bed scrolling through our conversation. I was very drunk in love and desperatelytrying to win over his heart because I didn't think I was attractive enough to sustain myrelationship with him — actually, fuck that, it wasn't even a relationship to begin with.As quoted by my best friend Veronica, "if y'all are just texting and didn't even have yourfirst date yet, it means the relationship hasn't even started". So yea, all along I was justwasting my time texting with a guy whom I wasn't even sure if he's really interested inme or was just bored and needed somebody to talk to. We were really getting alongextremely well (online, pffffft) but it appears to me that he is just not ready for thecommitment yet. So yea, right now I'm stuck in a dilemma of whether to move on orcontinue playing the game with him, and it's slowly driving me nuts. *fUuNn TiMeS*You can read as many books on "how to avoid heartbreak and fuckboys" and as manytumblr posts on "get over that fuckboy you are a strong independent woman" (in mycase, man), but when you're really in the encounter — everyone is as equally stupid& blinded by the smokescreen of love. So yea, what's happening right now is this 👇

I r e a l l y n e e d t o l i s t e n t om y o w n a d v i c e s o m e t i m e s .I'm not dumb. I knew the risk of putting all eggs into one basket. But I couldn't help it.I never believed in love at first sight, but J is my love at first sight. He is EVERYTHINGthat I've ever imagined and wanted — smart, witty, humorous, goofy AND good-looking.I would show a picture of him here if I could, but I would never do that. Even if thingsdidn't work out between us, he will forever have a place in my heart. I've been chattingwith a few other guys as well (wow I've really portrayed myself as a HOE here but if youknow me YOU KNOW ME I don't need to prove shit to nobody 😉) but none of them mademe feel butterflies in my stomach. It's crazy. How tragic is that? Why do I always fall inlove with somebody who doesn't love me? (well, good fucking luck to my 2018 new year'sresolution of stop being single for at least a month cause I don't think it's gonna happen)Moving on to Part 2.

Long story short, my internship started out really boring (I'm not trying to hide anythinghere) but the challenges are growing every single day — and surprisingly, I'm having thebest time of my life now! As of current, I'm assisting my teacher-in-charge (hi Christinaif you're reading this! *ps. she probably won't read this post so I'm just saying tsk tsk*)to teach a classroom of 6 pre-school students with age ranging from 4 to 8 years old, inwhich one of the kids (who shall be named K) is an 8-year-old autistic kid with learningdisabilities. K is currently under my care and I really hope I'm able to make her progressbefore I leave in March! 🙏 Obviously there is a lot of information which I couldn't sharehere out of confidentiality, but I will try my best to follow up when I'm in the mood toarticulate my words (right now I'm in a rush to go to sleep so that I will be able to wakeup at 5 a.m. tomorrow morning to travel to work, fuck my fucking tragic life thanks 👌)

▲ Trust me, I almost cried when this
drawing was handed to me by Ayami.
Some children are angels, only some.

In terms of working environment, I could not wish for a better one (I swear they did notpay me to write this)! In only a short span of few weeks' time, I've already became closefriends with a couple of teachers (and one of them is a hot British teacher whom I havea slight crush on. I will save the tea for future posts heheheheheheh!) Having said that,in the same amount of time (ironically) I managed to fall sick, get assaulted by one ofmy students with Down syndrome and aggressive predisposition, and spent most of mysalary on buying medicine to try to keep myself alive before I complete my internship:

I will keep you guys updated, if I'm still alive after my internship haha.Very quickly, moving on to Part 3:

As I grow older, my perspective towards oversharing on social media has changeddrastically from a huge YES to massive NO. As of lately, I would very much preferkeeping my life updates exclusive to only a small circle of people who matters themost to me, rather than broadcasting it online. Of course, I'm not saying that I willnot be sharing my life on social media anymore — just that I love the idea of lettingpeople who deserve to know my whereabouts know it. I would be the first to say thatI don't really give two fucks about all the superficial acquaintances that I've previouslymade. I really do prefer to keep things superficial and surface with them — just as theywished. Another thing that really disgusts me is that I found out that a "friend" of minemade an audacious statement saying that "What is so hard about your job? You're justplaying with the kindergarten kids isn't it?" behind my back. I was disgusted by him.Like, truly disgusted. He wouldn't even dare to say that if he switched place withme for an hour. Well, he can go and fuck himself all he want with his HR desk jobwhen all he has to do is to sit down in an air-conditioned room staring at a screen.😊 😊 😊I hope you've enjoyed readingthis short life update from me!My blog posts schedule will bereally sporadic for these coupleof months so please hang tight 😂I shall see you in my next one, bye!♥