Sam and Josh had worked together as partners in their construction business for over fifty years, one day after returning from a check up with the doctor Sam mentioned that the doctor had suggested that both of them should start writing things down as at their age they start to be forgetful.

Josh laughed at the idea, " My mind is still sharp as a tack, what did you need me to pick up at the hardware store?"

"YOU IDIOT!" Sam screamed at him, "Told you to make a list, I sent you for a bathroom faucet."

A lumberjack from Ontario decided to tour across America, when he got to Oregon he fell in love with the area so decided to find a job and settle down.

He applied for the open position of "Log Inspector" at one of the local mills so the foreman and the owner take him out to see what he really knows.

The foreman stops the truck and points to a tree and says, "What species is that big tree over there, and how many board feet of lumber does it contain?"
"That's a Douglas Fir, 383 board feet." the lumberjack answers, the foreman can see the owner is impressed.

They continue on about another mile and the foreman points to another tree and asks the same question.
"Hemlock, 285 board feet." the lumberjack answers, again the owner is visibly impressed.

After the third stop the owner is praising the lumberjack's talent and foreman is getting a bit worried that this new guy is actually smarter than him, he has to do something to make him look bad. He stops the truck and hands the lumberjack a piece do chalk, " Get out and mark the front of that big tree over there," he says winking at the owner.

The lumberjack gets out, walks around the tree while looking at the ground, stops and puts an X on the tree and returns to the truck.
"How in the heck do you know that is the front of the tree?" the foreman asks sarcastically.
"Cause somebody took a shit behind it." the lumberjack replied.

He got the foreman's job.

Seventy year old Martha woke her husband, seventy-five year old George from his nap on the sofa.

"There is a truck backed up to your shop and theives are loading up your tools." she told him in a frightened voice.

He immediately looked out the window, then phoned the police.

The police informed him that it was Saturday night and they were really busy but would have an officer over to his place as soon as one was available, probably in about half an hour. He was advised to stay inside the house with the doors locked until they got there.

He hung up the phone, waited about a minute and called back.

"This is the fellow that just called about the theives stealing his tools, don't hurry, I just shot them."

Three minutes later an ambulance and two police cars arrived and the burgulars were caught red-handed.

"What is going on here?" asked one of the officers, "We were informed that you had shot them."

"Yeh, and I was informed that nobody was available." Old George replied

Employment Standards determined a small woodworking shop owner was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's Jake my finisher who's been with me for 3 years, I pay him $900 a week.

The apprentice Tom has been here for 6 months, and I pay him $500 a week.

Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a case of beer every Friday," replied the owner.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent."

The owner says, "That would be me."

Little Johnny came home after spending the afternoon at the lot next door where a crew was building a new house, his mother asked him what he had learned while he was there.

"Well," he replied it is an f'ing bother when those f'ing idiots at the lumberyard send the wrong f'ing stock and every f'ing thing has to be returned. On top of that the f'ing plumber put the f'ing pipes for the f'ing sink on the wrong wall."

"That is enough young man," his mother interupted, you know you are not allowed to use that kind of language, "Just wait until your father gets home."

When his father arrived home his mother told him about the kind of language his son had used.

"That is disgusting," his father scolded, "You must be punished, go and get me a switch from the backyard."

Little Johnny replied, " No way that's the f'ing electricians job."

A woodworker is applying for a job and must answer three questions!

Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The woodworker says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the foreman asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the woodworker.

"Fair enough," says the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The woodworker stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go."

The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?

" Each of da trees is dirty now ! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The foreman is getting worried he's going to have to hire this fellow, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.

" The woodworker stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, Ere you go. One hundred."

The foreman looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!

" The woodworker leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when I start?"

So one day Jack called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and said that meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

Here's what you do, said the Doctor, "Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He thinks to himself that he is about 40 feet away. "Let's see what happens," he mutters.

Then in a normal tone he asks, ''Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So Jack moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from Becky and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from Becky and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For God's sake, Jack! For the FIFTH TIME. CHICKEN!"

Due to inherit a furniture factory when his sickly, widower father died, Clyde decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm only an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "But in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit a 20 million dollar business."

The woman went home with Clyde, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Bob goes to see his supervisor at the millwork shop.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Bob," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks boss," says Bob, "I knew I could count on you!"

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Luigi, a perpetual bachelor, owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture manufacturing shop. Friends convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the latest trends there, and maybe he could meet an available young Italian woman at the same time.

As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English--neither understood a word the other spoke. So he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

He was dumbfounded. To this day he says that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture manufacturing business.

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his ax had fallen into the water, and he needed the ax to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax.

"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, Where?" Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want 'em?"

Larry the woodworker called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today, I'm really sick, I got a headache, a stomach ache, my leg hurts, I just can't make it in."

The boss says: "Larry I really need you today. When I feel sick like that I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should give it a try."

Two hours later Larry the woodworker calls again: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be in right away. By the way, you sure got a nice house."

Jack and Bob were returning from installing custom cabinets in a home several hours away from their shop when they were caught in a sudden snow storm.

They pulled into a farm yard, an attractive, middle aged
lady answered the door, they explained their plight and
asked if they could spend the night.

"Of course," she answered, " However I am a recent widow
and it would not be proper for you to stay in the house, but
you may sleep in the barn."

They left early the next morning, the storm had passed, Jack never thought anymore about the incident until nine months later when he got a letter from the widow's attorney.

He confronted his partner Bob the next morning at their
shop, " Remember when we had to stay in that barn during
that storm last winter, you didn't happen to visit the widow
during the night and use my name instead of yours, did
you?"

"Uh, actually I did," Bob admitted looking a little
sheepish, " I'm sorry, I should not have done that."

" No problem," Jack laughed, " She just died and left me
the farm."

Pat and Mike came over to America on the boat
together.

On the day they arrived in Philadelphia they found a room
and that night they vowed to find jobs the next day.

On the evening of the next day they compared notes.

Pat: "So, Michael, did ya find any work?

Mike: "Nay, nodda bit, Paddy. And you?"

Pat: "Aye. Found work in a tool factory. Don't ya know,
they works to a thousandths of an inch!"

Mike: "A thousandths of an inch!!"

Mike ponders this for a moment and then asks:

"Paddy, how many thousandths are there in an inch?"

Pat: "Sure, Michael, and I don't know. From the looks,
there must be millions of them!"

A fellow went into a pawnshop in New York and asked to
borrow $2500 for a trip to Hawaii, he was told he would have
to put up collateral for security. They explained to him
that they would hold it until the loan was paid with the
interest owing.

"Well I guess you can hold my van and tools," he replied.
" Will they be safe?"

He was assured that they were kept in a locked compound
and only bonded staff were allowed access.

Three weeks later he returned to pick up his van and
tools, wrote a check for $2531.00 and as the clerk was doing
the paperwork he inquired, " There is something we don't
understand, we checked your credit, you have a thriving
business, yet you pawned your brand new van and expensive
tools for money for a trip."

" Where else could I find secure parking for just over
$10 a week in this town." the man replied.

A woodworker had a neighbour that always borrowed his
tools and never returned them, one day fustrated with this
he phoned him.

" Could I put my tablesaw and drill press in your
garage?" he inquired.

" Sure," his neighbour replied, " But why?"

" Just to have all my tools in one place." he
retorted.

A construction worker died suddenly in his sleep, as he
entered the Pearly Gates trumpets blared.

St. Peter approached him with his hand outstretched, "
Congratulations, you are the oldest person ever to arrive
here."

"There must be some mistake," the worker replied, " I am
only forty years old."

" Impossible," St. Peter replied, " We added your time
sheets up twice and got 160 years both times."

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A carpenter, electrician, and plumber working on a job
together noticed that the foreman always left on Tuesdays
and Thursdays a couple hours early. Since he never came back
to the job site they decided on the next Tuesday to leave as
well a few minutes after the foreman had departed. The
electrician headed for the golf course, the plumber decided
to take in a movie, the carpenter decided just to go home
and relax. When he entered his house he heard noises coming
from the master bedroom, quietly opening the door he was
shocked to see the foreman in bed with his wife, he backed
away and left the house.

During the first coffee break on the next Thursday the
other two guys asked him if he was into leaving early
again.

"No way," he exclaimed," Last time I almost got
caught."

A Termite walked into a pub and asked,

"Where's the bar tender?

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job.
His nephew asked him what happened.

You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Joe asked.

"The one who stands around and watches the other men
work, what's that got to do with it?" the nephew
inquired.

Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained.
"Everyone thought I was the foreman."

A young boy around seven years old got separated from his
father at a large woodworking show, remembering what his
parents had told him to do in such a situation he approached
a security guard and reported that he had lost his dad.

"What's he like?" the security guard inquired.

"Mom says beer and women." the boy replied.

Mikey left the furniture shop Friday afternoon and cashed
his pay check in the bar, it was a good check, he had worked
a lot of overtime, enough that he was able to party until
Monday afternoon. He went home to face his wife knowing that
he would be in trouble.

All she said was, "How would you like it if you didn't
see me for three days?"

With his mind still in a bit of a haze he replied, " That
would suit me just fine."

Tuesday came and he didn't see his wife, then Wednesday
the same, by Thursday he could just see her out of the
corner of his left eye.

Howard was getting tired of George his brother-in-law
always borrowing from him, it started with small things and
progressed to him using his shop for a month to build a
dresser.

"Why don't you just tell him you will be needing to use
what he wants to borrow," his wife advised him.

The next day George was at the door, " Will you be using
your shop next week?" he inquired.

"Actually I will, I have a big project I have to get
done, probably take me a couple weeks working day and
night." Howard lied.

" Glad to hear that," George replied, " Because I would
like to borrow your motorhome for a couple weeks."

Joe, O'Hara's long time foreman, died in his sleep one
night. O'Hara had depended on Joe for advice on every
aspect, from framing to finishing. In addition, Joe had been
his closest friend. So, it was understandable that O'Hara
didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious carpenters who
wanted Joe's job.

"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man
is buried," O'Hara muttered.

At the cemetery, one eager beaver made his way to
O'Hara's side.

"Sir" the man said. "Is there a chance that I could take
Joe's place?"

I think its time for me to explain about 220 current and
why it is so different from 110 volt service. First of all,
it's twice as big.

Secondly, it'll shock you more. Outside of that, 220 is
really two 110 volt lines coming to your house from
different parts of the globe.

The up and down 110 comes from the northern hemisphere,
and the down and up version comes from below the
equator.

Without trying to get technical, it all boils down to the
direction water flows when it goes down the drain. In the
top of the earth, it goes clockwise, while on the bottom of
the earth it goes counter clockwise. Since most electricity
is made from hydro dams, the clockwise flow gives you an up
and down sine wave, while the counterclockwise version gives
you a down and up sine wave. Between the two, you have 220
volts, while either individual side only gives you 110
volts.

This is partiularly important to know when buying power
tools- which side of the globe did they come from? If you
get an Australian saw, for instance, it will turn backwards
if connected to a US generated 110 volt source. Sure, you
can buy backwards blades for it, but that is an unnecessary
burden. Other appliances, like toasters cannot be converted
from Australian electricity to American electricity, without
horrible results. I knew one person who bought an Australian
toaster by mistake and it froze the slices of bread she put
in it.

If you wire your shop with 220 and accidentally get two
US-generated 110 volt lines run in by accident, you can get
220 by using a trick I learned from an old electrician. Just
put each source into its own fuse box and then turn one of
the boxes upside down. That'll invert one of the two up and
down sine waves to down and up, giving you 220. DO NOT just
turn the box sideways, since that'll give you 165 volts and
you'll be limited to just using Candian tools with it.

(This was intended as pure humor)

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"Well, I knew some idiot would ask me.
So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

A woodworker had three girl friends, he liked each of
them in their own way and could not decide which of them to
propose marriage to. Finally he decided to give each of them
$5000 to see how they would spend it.

The first prospect gave him the title to some land, " I
purchased this treed property and also planted seedlings on
it so you will have timber for your projects forever."

The second one arrived with a delivery van, " I have
purchased all the extra tools that you have often wished
for, now you will be able to easily make anything that you
want."

The third one presented him with a box of business cards,
" This is a galley that I opened for you to sell your
crafts, so you will always have a source of income."

He thought long and hard about the three girls and the
purchases that they made, finally he proposed to the one
with the biggest boobs.

A chimpanzee walked into a bar, jumped up on a stool and
ordered a beer.

"You're a talking chimp!" the bartender exclaimed.

" Right," the chimp replied, " I'm working in
construction across the street for a week, then I'm laid
off, now where is my beer?"

Each day the chimp came in for a beer after work, he was
getting more and more depressed about being laid off.
Meanwhile a circus came to town, the bartender mentioned the
talking chimp to the owner.

" I've got great news, you can get a job with the
circus." he informed the chimp.

" This circus, its in a big canvas tent?" the chimp
inquired.

" Well yes," replied the bartender.

" Wonder what they need a finishing carpenter for?" mused
the chimp.

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Old Jake had cut firewood by hand with a swede saw for a
living going on 50 years, he averaged about four cords a
day. His son was home from college and watching him work
remarked, "You could probably cut 10 times as much if you
bought yourself a chainsaw."

" Not interested in those new fangled things," Jake
responded.

His son returned to college and Jake began to think that
maybe the young guy was right, his old body seemed to ache
more and more at the end of the day, He went into town and
bought a brand new top of the line chainsaw.

The first couple days were not very productive, he only
cut one cord each day, by the third day he had cut 3 cords
but was dead tired. " This is not working, " he thought to
himself, " My son said I should be able to cut 10 cords a
day, I'm taking this stupid thing back."

The next day he was in the hardware store complaining to
the sales clerk about his lack of production.

" Blade seems a little dull, but not that bad, lets start
it up," the clerk muttered as he pulled the starting
cord.

" What the hell is that noise?" Jake hollered.

McTight ran an efficient shop, everybody had to pull
their own weight or they were out the door. It particularly
galled him when he spotted a young man goofing off outside
the foreman's office. He was sitting on a stack of lumber
trimming his fingernails, when he finished that he idily
traced designs in the sawdust on the floor with his
foot.

After several minutes of this McTight could stand no
more. He stepped out in front of the young man and demanded,
" How much do you make?"

"Three hundred dollars a week sir," the lad replied.

McTight took out his wallet and counted out some cash, "
Here is two weeks pay, get out of here and don't come
back."

No sooner had the surprised young man left the shop when
the foreman returned.

"Had a little problem to straighten out with the
thickness sander," he remarked, " What happened to the kid
from the deli, I told him to wait here for our lunch
order."

Bill and Joe were in the hot sun siding a house.

"How come Tom gets to work on the other side in the
shade?" Joe mused.

"Don't know," Bill replied, "Go ask him."

Joe goes to the other side and confronts Tom, "How come
you get to work in the shade."

"Smarts," Tom replies.

"What's smarts?" Joe asks.

"Ill show you," Tom answers putting his hand on the wall,
"Hit it" he smiles.

Joe takes a swing , Tom pulls his hand away and Joe
smacks the wall.

"Why did he say he was working in the shade?" Bill asks
when Joe returned.

"Smarts," Joe replies, "Ill show you, hit my hand with
that 2X4," he says, putting it in front of his face.

One night a wife saw her husband standing over the baby's
crib.

She stood watching him silently, he looked down with
mixed emotions, disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement,
enchantment, and skepticism.

She slipped her arm around him, "Penny for your
thoughts?" she whispered.

"It's amazing, how can they make a crib like that for
$49.99?"

A scrawny little carpenter is sitting at the bar having a
beer, a big burly goof walks in and WHACK, smacks the little
carpenter on the ear knocking him off his stool.

"That was a karate chop from Korea," the big goof laughs
as he sits down and orders a beer.

No sooner had the little carpenter settled himself back
on the stool, when the big goof stands up and WHACK, smacks
him on the other ear knocking him off the stool again.

"That was a judo chop from Japan," he laughs going back
to his beer.

The little guy gets up, dusts himself off and leaves the
bar.

He returns a couple minutes later, walks up behind the
big goof, WHACK, knocks him out cold.

"When he comes to tell him that was a wrecking-bar from
Sears," he grins to the bartender as he leaves.

Tom and Bob are framing a house, Bob notices Tom throwing
away about every second nail,

" What are you doing?" he asks.

" The heads are on the wrong end," Tom replies.

" You idiot, save them for the other side," Bob
retorts.

A duck waddles into a grocery store and asks, " Got any
duck food?"

" Don't carry any," replies the clerk.

Next day the duck waddles in again and asks, " Got any
duck food?"

" I told you yesterday, we don't carry it." the clerk
says.

Duck waddles on the third day and asks, " Got any duck
food?"

" Look I told you we don't carry it, and if you come in
again I'm going to nail your web feet to the floor!" the
clerk shouts.

Fourth day the duck waddles in, " Got any nails ?"

" No we don't have any nails," the clerk answers, " We
are a grocery store."