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Dating Violence

What is abuse?

Emotional abuse
This type of abuse is also referred to as psychological abuse. It is often the form of abuse that is most difficult for people who have never been abused to understand. When taken out of context, emotional abuse may look "normal." For example, joking about a mistake someone has made can be a normal part of a relationship. However, when it is part of ongoing insults, criticism and put-downs, it reinforces a victim's feelings of worthlessness and it is abusive. Other examples of emotional abuse include:

isolating the victim

tracking everything the victim does

threatening to "out" the victim

threatening to turn friends against the victim

threatening suicide

withholding emotion

blaming the victim for everything

keeping someone from studying or doing things they enjoy

People who have been abused consistently say that emotional abuse is the most difficult form of abuse to recover from. Bruises and broken bones can heal, but recovering from feeling worthless is a much harder process.

Economic abuse
Money can be a difficult thing to negotiate in a healthy relationship, but when someone is abusive, money becomes a way to control the victim. At Brown, for example, students may feel pressure to spend money that they don't have in order to fit in, and an abuser may manipulate that pressure. Economic abuse can include:

using the victim's credit cards or meal plan

ruining someone's credit

paying for things the victim needs and using that to manipulate them

making someone feel guilty about their financial status

stealing money

not paying bills

Sexual abuse
The most obvious form of sexual abuse involves forcing someone to have sex. More subtle forms include:

pressuring someone to have sex or to engage in sexual activities

manipulating someone into having sex, through false promises, emotional pleas or alcohol and other drugs

not allowing the victim to use birth control or protect themselves from sexually transmitted infections

forcing someone to have an abortion -- or not allowing them to have an abortion

forcing someone to watch pornography

forcing someone to act out pornography

Sexual abuse in an intimate relationship can be very confusing. Because the victim has consented to be with this person sexually, they may feel that they have to agree to everything their partner wants. In a healthy relationship, a person's sexual boundaries are always respected.

Physical abuse
Physical abuse can include:

hitting or slapping

pushing, grabbing or choking

restraining the victim

burning the victim

hurting pets

damaging the victim's property

using weapons

In many abusive relationships, physical abuse is not very frequent. However, once someone has been physically abusive, the threat of it happening again can be a powerful way to control the victim.

What is the legal definition of domestic violence?

The legal definition of domestic violence is more limited than the definition above. All types of abuse are very real; however, some forms, such as emotional abuse, can be very difficult to prosecute in a court of law. The legal definition is provided so that you can understand the parameters of the criminal justice system as it relates to dating violence.

Rhode Island General Statutes define domestic violence as any of the following crimes when committed by one family member or household member against another or by people who are in a substantive dating relationship.

What are warning signs of an abusive person?

This is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who abuse their partners. The first 4 behaviors (past abuse, threats of violence, breaking objects and any force during an argument) are almost always seen in an abusive person. If someone exhibits more than 3 of any of these warning signs, there is a strong potential for abuse in the relationship. An abuser may exhibit only a few of these behaviors, but they may be quite exaggerated.

Past Abuse
An abuser may say, "I hit someone in the past, but she made me do it." An abusive person who minimizes what happened with a previous partner is likely to be violent with their current partner. Abusive behavior does not just go away; long-term counseling and a sincere desire to change are necessary.

Threats of Violence or Abuse
Threats can involve anything that is meant to control the victim. For example, "I'll tell your parents about your drug use if you don't do what I want." Healthy relationships do not involve threats, but an abusive person will try to excuse this behavior by saying that "everybody talks like that."

Breaking Objects
An abuser may break things, beat on tables or walls or throw objects around or near the victim. This behavior terrorizes the victim and can send the message that physical abuse is the next step.

Any Force During an Argument
An abuser may use force during arguments, including holding the victim down, physically restraining the victim from leaving the room, and pushing and shoving. For example, an abuser may hold a victim against the wall and say, "You're going to listen to me."

Jealousy
An abuser will say that jealousy is a sign of love. In reality, jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. An abuser may question the victim about who they talk to or be jealous of time spent with other people. As the jealousy progresses, the abuser will call the victim frequently, stop by unexpectedly or monitor the victim's activities.

Controlling Behavior
An abuser will claim that controlling behavior is out of concern for the victim's welfare. They will be angry if the victim is late and will frequently interrogate the victim. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser will control the victim's appearance and activities.

Quick Involvement
An abuser will often pressure someone to make a commitment after a very short amount of time. The abuser comes on quickly, claiming "love at first sight," and will tell the victim flattering things such as "You're the only person I could ever love."

Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser is dependent on the victim for everything and expects perfection. The victim is expected to take care of everything for the abuser, particularly all emotional support. The abuser will say things like, "You're the only person I need in my life."

Isolation
The abuser will attempt to diminish and destroy the victim's support system by distancing them from family and friends.

Blames Others for Problems
Abusers will rarely admit to the part they play in causing a problem. S/he will blame the victim for almost anything that goes wrong.

Blames Others for Their Feelings
An abuser will tell the victim, "I hurt you because you made me mad, " or "You're hurting me when you don't do what I ask." Blaming the victim is a way of manipulating them and avoiding any responsibility.

Hypersensitivity
An abuser can be easily insulted. The slightest setbacks are seen as personal attacks. An abuser will rage about the everyday difficulties of life as if they are injustices -- such as getting a traffic ticket or not doing well on an exam.

Cruelty to Animals or Children
An abuser may brutally punish animals or be insensitive to their pain or suffering. Pets can be used to control the victim or to emotionally abuse them.

"Playful" Use of Force During Sex
The abuser may like to hold the victim down during sex. They may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless. An abuser may show little concern about whether the victim wants to have sex and use sulking or anger to manipulate the victim into compliance. They may demand sex or start having sex with the victim when they are sleeping or very intoxicated.

Jekyll-and-Hyde Personality
Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of abusers, and these behaviors are related to other traits such as hypersensitivity. This is not always a sign of mental health problems but may be a way of controlling the victim by being unpredictable.

What should I do if I'm being abused?

It's important to know that violence/abuse is not likely to stop on its own -- episodes of violence usually become more frequent and more severe.

Talk to someone you trust. It is important to break the silence.

If you decide to leave the relationship, develop a safety plan. A safety plan can include asking a trusted friend for help, choosing a safe place to stay, and collecting money, emergency phone numbers and packing a bag with essentials and clothing so you can leave quickly.

Seek help from one of the resources at the end of this page.

What can someone do if they are being abusive?

Stop using abuse of any form (physical, sexual, economic or emotional), including threats and intimidation.

Accept responsibility for your behavior. Remember that the use of violence is a choice and you can choose to change that behavior.

Do not make excuses for your violence or blame your partner for your abusive behavior.

Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about partner abuse.

Alcohol, drug use or mental health problems may make abusive situations worse but they are not excuses for abusive behavior.

How do I help a friend who's in an abusive relationship?

In many cases, the first step to safety is the knowledge that the victim is not alone. It may help your friend to know that many people experience abuse and that there are resources to get help.

Be supportive and respectful. Make clear statements about your friend's value and rights as a person, such as "No one deserves to be abused."

Don't criticize the abuser. A victim often has conflicting feelings about the abusive partner. If you're critical of the abuser, the victim may become defensive or may shut down. Instead, you can talk about behaviors that are negative by saying something like, "I'm really concerned about how your partner treats you. Nobody has the right to put someone else down."

Find out about the resources that are available.

Learn as much as you can about dating abuse.

Encourage your friend to make a safety plan if they have decided to leave the relationship. Your part in a safety plan can include walking home together, checking in at certain times of the day, and having a code word your friend can use if they need immediate help.

Do not confront the abuser. This can result in an escalation of violence against the victim.

Do not slip a hotline card or any other information about abuse into someone's bag or under a door. This can also escalate the violence against the victim.

Do not send a voicemail message or an email message about the abuse to your friend. You do not know if the abuser is monitoring the phone or the computer.

Be careful for yourself. Let your friend know what you are comfortable doing and what your boundaries are. You can also get support for yourself from the resources below.

Resources

Campus, Confidential Resources:

Counseling and Psychological Services 401.863-3476
Clinicians provide confidential crisis support, follow-up appointments, and 24-hour on-call services for any Brown student dealing with violence in a relationship. Located at J Walter Wilson, Room 516. The on-call counselor is also available to accompany a victim to the hospital.

SHARE Advocates (Sexual Harassment & Assault Resources & Education), share@brown.edu, 401.863-2794, 3rd floor of Health Services
The SHARE Advocates are available to help students affected by sexual violence. Confidential services include support for a survivor or the friends of a survivor, help filing a complaint (if that is the student’s choice), help navigating resources at Brown and in the community, and educational programs for the student community. When you get support, you do not have to pursue any specific course of action and no action will be taken unless it’s something you choose.

Chaplains Office 401.863-2344
The Chaplains are available for personal counseling and support. Call to make an appointment. Located in J Walter Wilson, Room 410.

Title IX Office
(401) 863-2386, Rene Davis, Title IX Program Officer
Information and support resources for the Brown University community around issues of sexual misconduct and Title IX.

Off-campus, Confidential Resources:

Sexual Assault & Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-494-8100
If you or someone you know needs help because of a sexual assault or an abusive relationship, call this hotline 24 hours a day. Counselor-advocates provide confidential support and are available to accompany victims of sexual assault to the hospital and police station. Ongoing counseling and support groups are available. (This hotline is specific to Rhode Island. Contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE if you need help in another state.)

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) TTY: 1-800-787-3224
The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides anonymous crisis intervention, information about domestic violence and referrals to local services. The hotline advocates can answer calls in English and Spanish and have access to translators in 139 languages.

The Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project 1-800-832-1901
This grassroots, nonprofit organization provides community education and direct services for clients. GMDVP offers shelter, guidance and resources to allow gay, bisexual and transgender men in crisis to leave violent situations and relationships. Located in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

The Network/La Red
617-423-SAFE (Hotline in English and Spanish)
This program offers free services in English and Spanish for lesbians, bisexual women and transgender people who are victims of battering. These services include a hotline, emergency shelter and advocacy programs. Located in Boston, Massachusetts.

Sojourner House
24-Hour Helpline 401.765-3232
A local advocacy and resource center for domestic violence victims in Providence founded by Brown University students. They provide services and education on issues related to domestic violence including teen violence, HIV/AIDS prevention, elder abuse, and LGBTQ partner abuse.

The Network/La Red
617-423-SAFE (Hotline in English and Spanish)
This program offers free services in English and Spanish for lesbians, bisexual women and transgender people who are victims of battering. These services include a hotline, emergency shelter and advocacy programs. Located in Boston, Massachusetts.

Men Stopping Violence
MSV is a social change organization dedicated to ending men's violence against women. This program offers trainings and resources that examine sexist belief systems, social structures, and institutional practices that oppress women and children and dehumanize men themselves. On this site you can find articles on why men batter, information on how to work towards ending violence against women, and information on MSV training dates and resource materials.

Futures Without Violence
Futures Without Violence is a national nonprofit organization that advocates for laws to help battered women, educates judges and provides training and support to employers and health care providers. The Get the Facts section has several different topics, including teen dating violence, immigration issues, the military and domestic violence and emerging issues.

US Department of Justice
The Department of Justice publishes numerous research studies on domestic violence and sexual assault. This site also provides resources for victims of different kinds of crime, information on stalking and cyberstalking and resources for parents.

PHONE NUMBERS

Consent in Sexual Situations

How to Help a Friend

When someone has been sexually assaulted, chances are that they will turn to a friend for help. You are an important person to the survivor; this is why the survivor shared this experience with you. Knowing how to respond will be very helpful in your friend's recovery. This page offers guidance on how to best support your friend.