As I looked up after this announcement I noticed the Inn was completely empty...couldnâ€™t be anything to do with me story tellin, why the clientele loved my Salty Tales. Only the other week after Iâ€™d spouted a particularly long winded escapade, they all voted to send me on an all expenses paid trip to the Far Tortuga Isles as a token of gratitude.

No...the Inn was deserted because a man was standing in the doorway...a more terrifyin creature I never hope to see if I lives to be a hundred. His top coat and hat were black, like the feathers of a raven. He wore a vicious cutlass and a brace of pistols. A dirty livid scar ran across one cheek and a black eye patch sat over one eye. The other eye seemed to glow with hatred as he took in the view before him...and that view consisted only of me and the back of the landlord as he scarpered through the rear entrance.

This monstrous figure approached and sat down opposite me.

â€œGet me some grogâ€ he demanded, and without hesitation I went to fetch him the very best ale in the house.

â€œGet me some meatâ€ again I scampered off to fetch him a nicely roasted chicken.

For some time he sat eating, drinking and belching loudly, but he always kept his one cruel eye on me. At last he finished his animal like feasting, he banged his fist on the table and demanded: â€œFetch me a woman!â€ I protested that I was only a humble story teller that I had no access to members of the fairer sex...he drew his great cutlass and held it to my throat...â€Get me a woman now, and sheâ€™d better be to me loikin or Iâ€™ll skin ye aliveâ€ he raged. I scuttled off to madame Fifiâ€™s and procured the services of her best Parisian girl.

He took the girl into a back room and ordered me to wait outside. The noises comin from that room made me blood curdle and I wanted to run for me loif. But I was too terrified of that creature comin after me. What more could he want of me?

The terrifyin man went on drinkin grog all afternoon and into the night, I was worn out with fear and the effort of doing his beck and call. Suddenly he rears up out of his seat, kicking the chair across the room and draws his cutlass...â€I wants a fightâ€ he says, â€œget yerself a weapon and face me loik a manâ€...He towered menacingly above me...

I was facing certain death so I begged him for my life...â€Oh please god noâ€ I sobbed, â€œI canâ€™t fight you now...itâ€™s 11 of the clock, Capâ€™n Cronan will be in for his bedtime story!â€

The huge monster of a man gasped and went as pale as a ghost: â€œCCCCCapâ€™n Cronanâ€ he stuttered, â€œCapâ€™n Cronan comin here...Now!â€
â€œAAAARRRRRRRRRGHâ€ He screamed in abject terror as he fled through the door into the night...

...and he was neâ€™r seen again.

Shortly afterwards Cronan came in and demanded his usual Grog, Grog,Grog...the Greatest Hits of Westloif and his bedtime tale of 'Fluffy Bunny and his chums'. It's a hard loif!

*********************************************************

(No Parisian girls were harmed during the making of this story)

(Capâ€™n Cronan appears courtesy of TCP productions)

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

Ee were a determined man, so 'ee melted down a couple o' cannons an' fashioned a mighty armoured shell from 'em. The suit 'ad articulated joints, but it were too heavy fer Smiffy to move when 'ee were inside it. So, wi' the help o' the chief engineer, 'ee incorporated a steam engine into the suit to power it.

Once the suit 'ad a full head o' steam it were an awesome thing. Wearing the suit Smiffy were 8 feet tall, an 'ad the strength o' ten men. 'Ee clanked around the deck like a giant, an' put the fear o' god into everyone. Aye, I thought as I looked at 'im, ee'd be 'andy in a fight.

It all went pear-shaped one day when we spotted a spanish treasure ship.

"Harrr mateys!" I said. "This be the big one, lads. We capture this, an' we'll all be set up fer life."

Everyone were fired up. The cannons were loaded, the boardin' party sharpened their cutlasses, an' Smiffy put another log in the firebox.

We drew close to the other ship an' fired a warning volley across their bows. The treasure ship dropped its sails, an' I swear I could smell the gold an' rubies from where I were standing.

"Prepare to board!" I yelled. Everyone grabbed a rope to swing from when I hears a clankin' an' hissin' sound. I looks up an sees Smiffy halfway up the main mast. "BOARD!" I yelled.

Well, the next thing I sees is Smiffy an 'is suit leaping to the other ship. "GRRRRYAAAHHHH!" he yelled in a voice that would've frightened Cronan 'imself.

Now I be no physicist. I knows nothin' about ergs or joules or foot-pounds, but I knows that a two ton Smiffy doin' a powered leap from 30 feet up equals a bluddy lot.

Smiffy hit the deck o' the treasure ship somewhere near the speed o' sound an' kept right on goin'. There were a huge bang, an suddenly the air were thick wi' matchstick sized pieces o' wood. When the air cleared, there were no sign at all o' the fabulous treasure ship - it'd gone straight to the bottom.

And what of Smiffy? Well I had me men throw grappling irons over the side in the vain hope that we might find 'im. We couldn't leave that spot while there were still a faint chance that he might 'ave survived. Ye see, I couldn't bear the thought that Smiffy had drowned - I wanted to strangle the bastid myself.

AARRRR, everyone remembers poor old Blind Pugh as the scary shufflin blind fellow who turns up the Admiral Benbow one stormy night. But did you know that Pugh used to have near perfect eyesight until he got a job as a cabin boy on The Black Spot's ship. Aye tis a terrible tale and a warnin to all idle Seamen. For poor Pugh was taken under the wing of none other than...Knuckles O'Shuffle! Dear lord the whole ship used ta shake loik a pepper grinder! After a few years o that poor Pugh was as weak as a kitten and as blind as a bat!

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

Five or six years ago, I were 'aving me dinner in a dockside cafe, when a strange gawky lookin' Scotsman came up to me.

"Captain," 'ee sez. "I am an engineer, and I have designed a quite remarkable propulsion system. I should like your permission to install said device within the confines of your vessel."

"Eh?" I sez.

"This arrangement will facilitate both an improvement to your business model, and a verification of the validity of the general principles upon which I have based my design."

Now this bloke might have had a scottish accent, but 'ee were obviously a foreigner as only about a third o' his words were in English. I sat 'im down, and eventually got an idea o' what 'ee were talkin' about. Seems 'ee 'ad a device to make a ship go faster. It were a big metal lump that made a huge fan spin round and round. The fan were put in the water, an' when it were spinnin', the boat went forward.

"How's it work?" I asked 'im.

"Well Captain, extremely volatile material is ignited within the combustion chamber..." I wish I 'adn't asked 'im -- 'Ee droned on for several minutes using made-up words like "ignition" an "pressurisation" until I agreed to give it a go just to shut 'im up.

Next week, the engine were installed. We sailed into open water while the scotsman did some last minute tinkerin' to 'is contraption. I looked at it. "What do ye call this thing?" I asked.

"Well Captain, I call it Water Advanced Rotary Propulsion drive - or W.A.R.P. for short."

I got back to the bridge when me lookout tells me there be a merchant ship on the horizon. It were a damned long way away.

"Warp drive ready at your command Cap'n!" shouted the scotsman.

"Engage!" I bellowed.

There were a strange hummin' noise an the ship leapt forward. The speed were such that the bow of the ship started to lift from the water. Me navigator were in contact wi' the engine room through a speaking tube. "Holdin at Warp 3 Cap'n" he said.

The merchant ship were gettin' close now, so we dropped out o' warp.

"Form a landin' party Number One," I said.

Well, the merchant ship never knew what hit it. One minute, we were a dot in the distance, the next minute me men were swingin' aboard their ship. A great success!

Over the next few weeks, we could strike any vessel at will. The men an' me were so pleased wi' the new engine, that we decided to name the ship after it. We had the idea of calling it the "New Clever Contraption" along wi' the year the engine were made. It were a bit long so we just used the initials, an' the ship were called the NCC-1701.

All went well until we were in the North Atlantic Sector. The scottish engineer informed me that we needed to land to perform some necessary maintenance on the engine. Just then, me Science Officer lowered his telescope. "Cap'n," 'ee said. "Spyglass readings indicate a number of enemy vessels on the port bow."

I peered over the rail. I saw seven Royal Navy Men-O-War sailin' in our direction.

"Engine room," I sed. "We need Warp speed now!"

The ship lurched forward like a mad thing. I looked o'er the side; the Navy ships had a good wind behind 'em.

"Engine room, we need more speed!"

"We're at Warp 4 captain."

"Increase to Warp 6," I sez.

The vibrations through the ship increased, an the main mast began to shake. We continued to accelerate.

"Cap'n," sez the engineer. "She cannae take much more o' this"

"Warp 7" I sez.

The ship shuddered as more power thundered through the hull. The Navy ships were starting to fall behind now.

"Cap'n she cannae take any more -- she's gonna blow!"

There was a huge explosion as the engine tore the ship in half. It were a peculiarly selective kind of explosion, as everyone survived it except the blokes who had red shirts on. The rest o' us clung on to the wreckage and were washed ashore the next day.

What became o' the scottish engineer, I don't know. The last I saw of 'im were when we were washed up on the beach. To tell the truth, I were still a bit dazed from the whole experience. 'Ee walked over to me an' looked at all the sawdust an seaweed that were on me best frockcoat, an 'ee offered to tidy me up a bit. "Aye," I said. "Clean me up, Scotty."

YYYAAARRRRRR many's the young pirate what's dreamed of findin Cap'n Cronan's Treasure. The man who came closest however was a young Irish barman at 'The Admiral Benbow'. Night after night he watched Cronan drink his grog and boast of his exploits, telling tales of riches unimaginable.

'YYYYAARRR', growled the fearsome Cronan, 'I've got barrels o Belgian Ale so strong it would souse a Spanish Armada and an Old Nick bottle stuffed to the brim with Capn's Delight vouchers!'

No one believed these far fetched ramblings, especially as Cronan never arrived sober, and left even the worse for wear! But the young Irishman had other ideas, he was sick of Guiness and he dreamed of setting himself up in his own Inn, selling Belgian Beer and Captain's delight by the gallon.

So one night, as Capn Cronan staggered out into the Fog, the Irish barman followed. As the thick fog swirled around them the Irishman could only keep track of Cronan from the clack, clack of his peg leg on the cobbles and from his drunken singing:

"I guess now it's time for me to give up
YAARRR I feel it's time
Got a picture of you beside me
Got you're lipstick mark still on your grog cup
Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now"

The Irishman could barely stand the stultifying noise of Cronan's singing...but his dream of finding the treasure somehow drove him on. Suddenly the footsteps stopped and the sound of Cronan opening a creeking door made the Irishman's heart leap...could this be where the captain kept his treasure? The Irishman slipped inside the door just behind Cronan and found himself in a darkened room and the strange thing was...it was still full of fog!

Suddenly the lights came on and there was Capn Cronan staring straight at the poor Irish fellar from his one terrifying eye!

HHAARRRRR, me hearties, twere the Summer of 76 an me lookout caught sight of a small open boat, tossed hither and thither upon the ocean. We pulled alongside, expectin to find The Black Spot as usual, but we saw there were a man and a woman on the boat...and they were barely alive. The poor devils had been cast adrift by a mutinous crew and had drifted for days, without food nor water. I had me crew haul them aboard.

We gave them rum and tended to their scorched bodies, but it was of no use, they both perished before our very eyes. Inside the tattered remains of the manâ€™s top coat was a document which told us the names of these two unfortunates. It was a touching letter from a family member and was addressed: to Mr & Mrs Joseph Hill.

There was nothing more we could do for these poor souls, so I ordered me crew to bury their bodies at sea. We prepared to carry out our sad duty and I asked the shipâ€™s Sea Shanty team to play an appropriate tune to accompany the ceremony... â€œARRRRRâ€ sais Seaman Wakeman, the shipâ€™s accordion player, â€œwe only knows â€˜Pump up me Bilgeâ€™ by Big Brenda!â€ â€œAye well,â€ says I, â€œTis a bit lively, but twill have to do.â€

So the band strikes up with a sound that would wake up Davy Jones from his locker...and suddenly, the men around me fell back gasping in terror...the two corpses were rising up from their shrouds and, blow me, if they didnâ€™t begin a jig on the deck! With that Seaman Wakeman puts his hand on my shoulder and shiverin and stutterin says, â€œ C'C'Capâ€™n...The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!â€

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

HHAARRRRR, me hearties, twere the Summer of 76 an me lookout caught sight of a small open boat, tossed hither and thither upon the ocean. We pulled alongside, expectin to find The Black Spot as usual, but we saw there were a man and a woman on the boat...and they were barely alive. The poor devils had been cast adrift by a mutinous crew and had drifted for days, without food nor water. I had me crew haul them aboard.

We gave them rum and tended to their scorched bodies, but it was of no use, they both perished before our very eyes. Inside the tattered remains of the manâ€™s top coat was a document which told us the names of these two unfortunates. It was a touching letter from a family member and was addressed: to Mr & Mrs Joseph Hill.

There was nothing more we could do for these poor souls, so I ordered me crew to bury their bodies at sea. We prepared to carry out our sad duty and I asked the shipâ€™s Sea Shanty team to play an appropriate tune to accompany the ceremony... â€œARRRRRâ€ sais Seaman Wakeman, the shipâ€™s accordion player, â€œwe only knows â€˜Pump up me Bilgeâ€™ by Big Brenda!â€ â€œAye well,â€ says I, â€œTis a bit lively, but twill have to do.â€

So the band strikes up with a sound that would wake up Davy Jones from his locker...and suddenly, the men around me fell back gasping in terror...the two corpses were rising up from their shrouds and, blow me, if they didnâ€™t begin a jig on the deck! With that Seaman Wakeman puts his hand on my shoulder and shiverin and stutterin says, â€œ C'C'Capâ€™n...The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!â€

arrrrrghh where is me rope I is going to hang meself. This thread should be renamed 'corniest punchlines from the sea'

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

There was once a tiny village in the Caribbean which was constantly plagued by raiding parties from the neighbouring islands and the sea. Their island was very fertile and also rich in minerals, coffee and cocoa...and the wenches were stunning. Because of the raids they were forced to pay out most of their wealth in protection money to a bunch of ruthless cutthroats who had evil plans for the village and its beautiful maidens. Then one year the harvests failed and the villagers had no money to pay the brigand chief, an evil Spaniard by the name of Don Juan Xavier Knickerzoff. Don Juan threatened to raze the village to the ground and to sell all the villagers into slavery unless they came up with the cash before the next Full Moon! The elders of the village called an emergency meeting to discuss their plight. They unanimously decided to send someone to the dark pirate heart of the Caribbean, Portsmouth, to recruit mercenaries to defeat Don Juan.

Many days went by and the moon was ever waxing. Suddenly a great ship drew up at the village harbour. The villagers crowded round in eager anticipation, including the beautiful wenches who, like the rest of the younger villagers, through many generations of inbreeding with Knuckles Oâ€™Shuffle had all developed very poor eye sight. A hush descended on the townsfolk as the gang plank dropped down onto the Quay. One by one, with a great swagger and a glare from their un-patched eyes, seven magnificent pirates stepped off the ship.

First was the French pirate Captain Lafitte who raised his cutlass, shouted â€œVive La Franceâ€ and swallowed a huge lump of cheese. Second was the English pirate The Black Spot who waved a nasty looking blunderbuss in the air, shouted â€œChelseaâ€ and kicked Capâ€™n Walktheplank up the arse. Next came another English pirate the afore mentioned Captain Walktheplank, who flourished a pistol, shouted â€œTottenham for the cupâ€, and got kicked up the arse again.

The gorgeous maidens all whispered â€œLook at his beautiful hair, there is no way it can be a wig.

Next came the Welsh pirate Black Bart who waved a vicious looking Leek in the air, shouted â€œCymru am Bythâ€ and his pet â€˜Ivor the Engineâ€™ Dragon, called Idris, hissed in approval. Next came the Australian Pirates Captain Dave L and Captain Oz Nick who whipped out their cricket bats shouted â€œRemember the Ashesâ€ and set Walktheplankâ€™s wig on fire! Finally came the Yanky pirate Captain Chow Mein who took out his brace of pistols, shouted â€œRemember the Alamoâ€ and shot a Mexican Tourist who appened to be sun bathing on the beach.

The young villagerâ€™s hearts leapt into their mouths, never had they seen such magnificent warriors...â€We are savedâ€ they cried with one voice.

The elders of the village, who did not suffer from the poor eye sight that afflicted the young, gasped in horror, never had they seen such a bunch of losers...â€We are doomedâ€ they all whispered, but it was too late to go back now.

Tomorrow would be the full moon!

(To be continued)

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

That night the Pirates held a council of war. The elders insisted on the Pirates gathering at the end of the beach, because the smell was spoiling the tourist industry! The rum flowed.

â€œArrrrrâ€, said The Black Spot â€œI votes we grab the wenches, steal the treasure and bugger off, all in favour, say ayeâ€. â€œNon, non, nonâ€, says Captain Lafitte, â€œWe are onourable men, and besides, they ave not got any treasure, we must defeat Don Juan and then steal â€˜hisâ€™ treasure.â€ â€œLook you, Iâ€™ve seen it all beforeâ€â€™ said Black Bart, â€œIf we fire a few shots and shout a bit, the villagers will be inspired and they will do all the fighting for us.â€ â€œAll agreed then cobbersâ€™â€ said Capâ€™n Oz, â€œAnyone fer a game o cricket on the beach?â€ â€œIâ€™ll toss for 1st inningsâ€, said Knuckles Oâ€™Shuffle.

The morning of Don Juanâ€™s attack dawned and the village elders strode out to check that the Pirate Warriors were ready. They were all lying face down on the beach in a drunken stupor! The chief village elder sighed â€œI knew this would happen, fetch the special Voodoo potion and put it in their Captainâ€™s Delight bottle...Bwa ha Ha Ha...it will turn them into fiends!

The skies darkened above the village, a storm was brewing on the sea, and at that moment Don Juan and his cutthroats arrived. â€œWhere is my monee you snivelling pig dog sons of a whore?â€ The terrified villagers fled into the hills leaving only the village elders to face Don Juanâ€™s men. The chief elder spoke in a stuttering and trembling voice, â€œDon Juan, if you value your mensâ€™ lives, do not come ashore...look there on the beach, we are plagued by Zombie Pirates!â€

Don Juan followed the Chiefs pointing hand and gasped in horror. Stumbling towards him, their peg legs thumping unsteadily on the sand were seven dreadful apparitions. Their hideous contorted faces were bright green, their reeking clothes covered in vomit and fish stew. Walktheplankâ€™s wig had fallen down over his eyes giving him the appearance of a seaweed covered fiend from the deep. The Black Spot was drinking a putrid brown liquid from his blunderbuss and shouting â€œYarrrrd o Ale!â€ Captainâ€™s Dave (resplendent in a bright pink dress) and Oz were comin toward Don Juan in a zig zag route, brandishing their cricket bats and shouting â€œThe batsmanâ€™s Holding, the bowlerâ€™s Willy, Harr, Harr, harr...â€ Capâ€™n Chow Mein was crawling along the sand like some demented fiend Lobster shouting â€œIâ€™m from the Raging Queen and gonna get yaâ€. Capâ€™n Lafitte had turned a livid green with a pair of Frogâ€™s Legs sticking out of his mouth, and Black Bart had launched into his worst ever rendition of â€˜My Pirgellaâ€™.

The petrified Spaniard staggered back in a futile attempt to escape the drunken Zombie pirates. With a scream he collapsed under the onslaught and they ripped off his head and ate his brains! The Zombie Pirates made short work of Don Juanâ€™s crew and then turned back toward the village in a terrifying Green Tide of Death. As the Pirates approached, the Chief of the Elders sprinkled them with a magic powder which stopped them in their tracks. In a deep booming voice the chief commanded â€œYou are the servants of Qualopec, Great God Under the Mountain, return now from whence ye came, er...where the hell did they come from, oh yes, go back to Portsmouth, I command ye Oh Magnificent ones, ye will forget all that has taken place here and you will never return...Begone!â€

Four weeks later in the Admiral Benbow, Portsmouth, when the effects of the Zombie drug had finally worn off, the Magnificent Seven Pirates were sitting around a table, drinking and still ever so slightly green. â€œSoâ€, said Black Bart, â€œNone of that stuff actually happened at all?â€ â€œNon,â€ said Captain Lafitte â€œeet was all just a strange dream, an ve ave no idea ver ve got all zis treasure from.â€ â€œMy wig still smells of sickâ€, said Captain Walktheplank, â€œMy Blunderbuss donâ€™t work no moreâ€, said The Black Spot, â€œAshes to ashes, Bwa ha ha haâ€ said Oz Nick and Dave L...

Arrrrr, many years ago there were a small village on the coast of England what lived in fear of Pirates an Smugglers. Hardly a week went by when the poor folk werenâ€™t raided by peg legged ruffians from the sea.

Finally the mayor of the village called an emergency meeting of the neighbourhood watch. â€œWe canâ€™t go on like this any longerâ€ said the mayor in a strong Cornish type accent, â€œwe needs a plan to stop the Pirates from raidin our stores...anyone got any ideas?â€

With that the villagers all put their heads together and over a good few tankards of local Scrumpy, they came up with a foolproof plan to save their town. The pirate raids always came at night so the villagers hatched this ghostly plan: They bought an old rotting hulk and painted her white. They draped her decks with ghostly sheets of torn sails and the bones of animals. Some of the villagers dressed up in ghostly grey outfits and scary masks and every night they sailed the ship out of the harbour, taking turns to crew the spectral boat. As a final touch they flew the flag of Captain Cronan from her main mast. The effect was terrifying and as long as the ghost ship remained visible on the foggy coast, not a single pirate bothered the village.

Weeks turned into months, months turned into years and there were no more Pirate raids. The villagers grew complacent. One night it was the turn of the mayor himself to sail the ghost ship. The mayor and his crew had had a bit of a session in the local Tavern. They got all dressed up, boarded the Ghost ship and all promptly fell asleep on the deck.

Meanwhile a funny looking van turned up and out got two lads, two girls and a huge gormless looking dog. They were followed by a bunch of very nervous pirates. The intelligent looking girl with the specs stepped forward onto the ghost ship and said to the pirates as she whipped off the mayorâ€™s mask: â€œI think youâ€™ll find that your ghostly pirate is in fact...the mayorâ€

The mayor grunted â€œWe would have gotten away with it too if it hadnâ€™t ha been for you meddlin kids!â€

The pirates all cheered, they thanked the crew of the van and said they would forever be indebted to Mystery Inc (whatever that meant). They gave the big floppy dog a huge burger made from roasted villagers and they never had any trouble raiding the village again.

Now thatâ€™s what I call a Happy Ending...Yaarrrrrrrr!

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.