Category: reviews with a 3 of 5 rating

This is how that Joanne album should’ve sounded. Instead of more Artpop, Lady Gaga, after performing corny jazz covers with Tony Bennett, ventured off into country music. I guess you can call Chromatica a return to form. RedOne, DJ White Shadow and Garibay are still missing though, so it’s up to BloodPop and other one-word-name producers to get the party started.

It’s all dance songs; the house-drum kind played in clubs frequented by young socialites; and that’s the best thing about it. It isn’t as quirky or innovative as Artpop; the best song on that one is the R Kelly duet, which feminist Gaga later condemned because the crystal ball between her legs told her men accused of sex crimes are guilty until proven innocent; but it’s better than Million Reasons.

Of course, that isn’t saying a whole lot. Lady Gaga seems to be more of a creative talent than mother Madonna; I wonder if the Chromatica album title was inspired by Erotica; but her vocal melodies rarely match the allure of the music. The beats, while perhaps too reserved at times, sound cool, in other words, but you might find yourself “not having Fun” during some of these tired choruses.

Robert Plant sings these songs with intensity, which, considering every one is about romance gone bitter, may serve as psychotherapy. “Lots of people talk and few of them know,” he declares to a callous melody on Dazed And Confused, “the soul of a woman was created below.”

The implication is Hell. Perhaps that’s why there’s an image of The Hindenburg in flames on the album cover. Women often go from sweethearts to bitches if you stay with them long enough. This set; its biggest flaw being its lack of a proper title; is a theme to that fact.

What’s best about Tremors is the way it traps its characters together in confined spaces. It’s like Night Of The Living Dead except it’s daytime in Nevada, the killers; huge snake-like creatures that eat people alive by tracking their vibrations from underground; aren’t dead and the movie isn’t great.

It isn’t quite good neither, but it is somewhat entertaining in a wacky cliché sort of way. The theme is mostly comedy and there are funny parts; the two leading handymen banter back and forth thru the whole movie; but I wonder how much better it could be if it took itself more seriously.

Francis Ngannou is probably the last UFC contender I’d want to punch me in the face. He puts Jairzinho Rozenstruik, who was talking Bigi shit during the promo; “I’m not playing no games; I’m going to really knock his ass out”; to sleep in sixteen seconds, which, without a crowd at UFC 249 to cushion the blow, seems surreal.

The first song doesn’t really Go. The other four; this is E-40’s shortest set yet; do better. The beats, which sound like they were produced in several seconds, “slap” and E-40 is still Breakin News on the mic.

The funniest verse comes from Suga Free though. “She hella into me,” he says about one of his hoes, “Got out of pocket one day, slapped her and asked her; ‘What do you think of Einstein’s Theory Of Relativity?'”

At six feet, Megan Anderson is way too tall for me to date; I like short girls, partly because tall ones remind me of trannies; but she’d be perfect for rough sex. That’s “rough” meaning her doing what she wants to me as she plays The Dominatrix, which should be her MMA fight name.

She’s not pretty in the face; she looks okay; but I’d worship those long legs, which, along with her arms, are aesthetically enhanced with what looks like gothic-style tattoos. She’s muscular but not to the point of masculinity. Her body is sexy in a womanly, albeit womanly warrior, way.

I give R Kelly credit for taking a big Step in the right direction. He handles all the production here, so this album is his most musically cohesive since the Happy People set. One of the most spirited parts, where he hosts a Christmas party remix for the Love Letter title song, is a virtual salute to that one.

Why the singer uses the metaphor of writing a Letter as opposed to sending a phone message is the question. The answer probably has to do with the album’s throwback vibe, inspired by the soul music of the 1970s and 1960s, as the cover image suggests, when letters and Radio were the thing for couples.

He compares the memory of making Love to a drunken girl in the back of a Taxi Cab to a printed photograph while channeling Michael Jackson at one point, but it’s the album’s best song. Number One Hit is another highlight. Most of the others lack the vocal melodies to match their pretty background music.

The polished production and sleek presentation of this album; is that a GQ model on the cover; suggests Puff Daddy, P Diddy or whatever he’s calling himself these days wants it to be his magnum opus. Whether or not he succeeds; this is only his second solo project, so the only one we have to compare it to is No Way Out; is up for debate.

“Do you like it?” Nah; it’s a case of style over substance; but I like some of it. Gangsta Shit, a dedication to the gangsta lifestyle, and Best Friend, a dedication to Jesus Christ, represent the rapper’s hypocritical mindset, but they’re the best songs. I also like the funny Mad Rapper interlude and Hurricane G’s introduction on PE 2000.

Jeez. It seems when it comes to fighting Chris Weidman, Anderson Silva can’t seem to catch a break. Bad jokes aside, what happens to Silva in this rematch at almost the exact same time he got knocked out in their first bout is, for him and his fans, a tragedy.

The Spider isn’t dead, but his career may well be as all it takes is a kick check (block) from Weidman to snap one of his eight legs at the shin. That Weidman was winning up to that point suggests, as crazy as it seems to say, he might just be a better fighter.

I’d bet on Daniel Cormier to beat Anderson Silva at this point in his (Silva’s) career even if both fighters had ample time to prepare. That The Spider crawls into this bout to replace Jon Jones on just two days notice gives him even less of a chance and his losses are starting to stack up.

Cormier may be going easy on him for that reason; he takes and holds him down but doesn’t seem eager to finish him; though Silva is defensive on his back. I wonder how the match would go if the fighters remained standing the whole time as those exchanges look about equal.

Anderson Silva seems tentative and a little rusty here. What he does after his decision victory is announced; fall down and cry like a baby; suggests it’s because he’s nervous returning to The Octagon for the first time since getting his leg snapped in two by Chris Weidman.

Whatever the case, this fight starts off close and stays that way until the later rounds when Nick Diaz, who’s been taunting Silva much to the amusement of Joe Rogan; I think it just makes him look silly; seems to tire. That’s when Silva starts “loosening up” and taking over.

Perhaps the title doubles as a reference to how long it took for Fiona Apple to release this album. At this rate, it’ll be about another decade until we get another one. With that, it demands careful and repeated listens, at least for her loyal and patient fans.

I’m one, though I haven’t liked a Fiona Apple album since Extraordinary Machine, the best songs of which were produced by Jon Brion. He also moved The Pawn, probably her best album. Is it coincidence the quality of her music declined when they split ways?

Fetch The Bolt Cutters sounds more like The Idler Wheel, which offers Anything We Want and Valentine; Largo would easily be the best song if it were actually on that album; as highlights. Most of its songs are middling though, which is also the case here.

It seems Fiona Apple needs to be reacquainted with melody, at least at the breaks where it matters. Most of these songs aren’t bad, but she’s too comfortable repeating awkward bars of fortune cookie poetry; “Evil is a Relay sport”; and passing it off as a hook.

The Mellotron riff on Rack Of His sounds enchanting though, even as Apple offers little of substance to accommodate it vocally. She does better on Cosmonauts, where she actually manages a cutesy chorus, and the feel-good feminist anthem Ladies.