“I've inherited a chain of Indian restaurants, and then jetpacked away to Mars with George Bush.”

~ Jeremy Clarkson lookalike

The Web of Lies (also known as the Web of Deceit) is a well known and scientifically documented phenomenon. It is believed to be the cause of the universe, and that before the Big Bang, single strands of the web floated in open space. The strands then mutated, and multiplied, bending the time vortex until the Universe sprung into existence. Every day now, the web increases in size, being woven more and more into the fabric of time. It is also believed that the web will eventually be the end of the Univese, otherwise known as the Armageddon. The time vortex, constantly being twisted by the fabric of the silky strands, will eventually implode and all of space and being will instantly be wiped out of existence.

It is thought that the Web was originally created by an unknown being, who was in the midst of a bitter argument with another being. Henry, the huge whale-like waster in question is thought to have kept making up lie after lie in his never ending quest to destroy all who better him, which resulted in matter being ejected and the first strand of the web being created. Since then, lies have become common, and it is now far too late to destroy the web. Rumour has it that G.P.A, sometimes known as 'Kevin', has the potential to rip apart the web using his gorilla like beasty strength and/or his rumoured enormous veiny dong. However, he is far too busy writing his own theory of gravity and considers matters like the Web of Lies to be far too trivial for his frankly outstanding intelligence.

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Attempts to destroy the Web

The Ray Gun developed to supposedly destroy the Web

Though unknown to many people, many attempts have been made by prolific scientific organisations (including NASA) to destroy the Web. Weapons such as the Ray Gun are thought to have been developed for the specific purpose of ruining the web by damaging its delicate strands, but their tries so far have been fruitless. It was also thought at one point that the act of simply shouting out - "Reveal your secrets, Web!" could temporarily damage the matter that makes up the walls of the time vortex. This, in turn, would break the strands of the Web that are woven into the vortex, and possibly destroy the Web. Now, though, scientists know that this voice recognition technique is pointless, and are currently developing new technology that they believe could end the Web forever.

How the Time Vortex is involved

The Time Vortex, in which the strands of the web are concealed

It is believed that the time vortex is very heavily linked in with the Web of Lies. Unknown to many, even Doctor Who himself, the Web of Lies is firmly woven into the strands of time itself. Scientists think that with the help of the TARDIS, the Web could easily be destroyed, but seeing as it is simply a work of fiction, they will have to find another way of doing it. The concern is that one day, the Web will reach its maximum capacity, and time itself will implode. This will cause the end of the Universe to occur, because without time, nothing can exist. One other possibility is that the time vortex will reject the Web when it becomes too full. This will mean that the web will be revealed to all. Reports indicate that actually seeing the Web itself causes huge pressurisation of the cranium, which will lead to the head exploding; covering everyone nearby in your bloody remains.

How the Web grows

One highly controversial topic within the Web is how it actually expands. It is believed, for example, that if a secret were to be concealed by one person from another, the Web will grow, as the matter produced by the bending of time causes an expansion in the weight which leads to the excess being stranded in a process called "Moustachiation." (named after the celebrated Mafiosi).

The Ninjas

It is believed that many highly trained Ninjas guard the entrance to the web. The suits of these Ninjas is said to be made from the strands of the Web itself, and are thought to be impenetrable to any human weapon. You can see a diagram of the Web and the Ninjas at the top of the page. Nothing else is known about the ninjas other than that they hate all forms of pirates and are really kick-ass.