Hoping to share the love, joy, and grace I have received in my own life.

He was more to me.

by danacox31 on September 19, 2016

As we approach what would be Trevor’s 20th birthday next week, the walls are beginning to close in. Although I can say, “On his birthday, we celebrate his life”, that’s my head talking. My heart says, “Really? He would be 20 this year? I cannot believe I have survived 5 of his birthdays without him sitting at the table blowing out candles or cutting the first piece of Megan’s homemade cherry pie (his favorite.)” I know that of the two dates in the year that I typically struggle the most, his birthday is easier than the date of his death (I can’t call that an anniversary. It doesn’t seem like an anniversary to me.) Anyway…another thought comes to mind today, too. This week I will go to the cemetery and change the adornments on Trevor’s grave from summer to fall. Last year, my grandma bought the cutest little cowboy boot bird house and I hung it on the shepherd’s hook there. A week or so later, I had a person ask me why we hung a cowboy boot. “That just doesn’t seem like Trevor to me” she said. I can’t remember how I responded to that. Maybe if that person reads this post, she will remember. I know now, though, that this is my thought-out response…

I didn’t only bury that 15 year old young man (not a fan of country music or cowboy boots.) I buried my only son, the beautiful baby boy who’s crooked smile melted my heart, the one who would twist my hair in his tiny fingers when I rocked him to sleep (sometimes so much that his daddy had to untangle them before I could lay him down.) I buried that chubby cheeked two year old that recited the Lord’s Prayer and an obscene amount of nursery rhymes. I buried that cowboy boot and cowboy hat wearing three year old that proudly strummed his toy guitar at the Thompson family Christmas as he sang Tim McGraw’s, “Don’t Take the Girl.” (Yes, that’s why the cowboy boot is appropriate to me.) I buried the 5 year old that began reading chapter books. I buried the little boy that discovered encyclopedias in our basement and had a whole new excitement about learning everything about anything. I buried the fun-loving brother to two sisters (one older and one younger) that adored them and although he might tease them, he believed no one else should. I buried the boy that shared all kinds of trivial knowledge and could literally carry on a discussion with adults on nearly any topic from the time he was about 8 (and he knew what he was talking about.) I buried that young man that was never afraid to show his love for his parents or his sisters, even in front of his friends. There is so much more to Trevor than all of these things, but I just want you to understand, he was more to me. I buried all of his future. I will forever wonder where he would’ve went to college, who he might’ve married, if he would’ve passed his dad’s height, if he would have become the “comedian-musician-anesthesiologist” like he discussed with Jodi (as I laughed and looked at him trying to picture him all grown up.) I couldn’t picture it then and I will never see it now.

I can’t imagine Trevor as a 20 year-old, but I have so many images of that boy in my head, from newborn to 15. My heart hurts today. I am going to take a deep breath and get through the next 8 days. If you see me on the verge of tears, I’m ok. Although this is the fifth of Trevor’s birthdays without him, it isn’t any easier than the first. So for this week, the Scripture I will focus on is Psalm 147:3, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” I will persist in leaning on God and allow Him to continue the process of healing my broken heart. I am thankful for my faith and praying today for those who have lost someone close to them and do not have the faith to get them through these very difficult times. I am not sure how I would do this without the mercy and grace and love offered through Jesus Christ. Trevor Jeffery Cox, you are not missed any less today than you have been all of the 1,746 days we’ve passed without you.

Love you and all of your family Dana. I read this with a tear in my eye and also wonder where he would be, how he would look, what he would be doing, and if he would hang with Alana and her friends when they are all home from college. God Bless you and may He continue to heal all of you.