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Sunday, August 23, 2009

Mom of the Year!

I know I mentioned in one of my blogs a while back that I wasn’t one to talk or write about my child.It’s not because I don’t think he isn’t the most amazing kid e-v-e-r, it’s simply the point that a lot of people out there write about how wonderful their kids are and quite frankly, I don’t want to lose my reputation of being a thoughtless bitch.So, on that note, I’m so going to win “Mom of the Year” this year.I just know it!In order for one to be awarded such a high honor, you truly need to be on top of your game.I know, I know, I exude kindness and such a loving attitude, you’re not surprised – I can’t blame you.

So here it is.If you Mom’s out there want to know how to achieve such a feat, simply follow these simple acts of love and kindness:

1)Forget to pick your child up at school at LEAST 4 different times during the school year.And to make it especially fantastic, make sure you make your child wait long enough so his teacher has to call to remind you to come get him.Awesome!

2)Completely lose your cool and temper and ramble off mindless nonsense when he sprays your charcoal drawing with Pledge.As an added bonus, cry about it.

3)Forget to feed him dinner, at minimum, 3 times a week.

4)When school starts, make certain you do not buy any school supplies until the day after.Kids totally dig showing up the 1st day with no school supplies.

5)Completely space the fact that school is starting and let it escape your mind that new school clothes are a necessity.Instead, throw a dirty pair of shorts in the wash and tell them because they are clean, it’s almost better than new clothes!

If you follow these easy tasks, in no time you will be quite possibly the best Mom ever!

Ok, for real, I’m an asshole.With my loss of my old job and the stress of my new job, I have recently realized that I have been quite possibly, the worst Mom this past year!I truly cannot afford to pay attention, and to boot; I’ve become such a hypocrite! The above is just a small sample of my inattentiveness.The most recent action came last week when he started Pee-Wee Football.Anyone who has played football knows that the first week is considered “hell” week.You work your ass off and begin to regret the decision to beg your parents to put you in the coolest sport out there!

The last day of practice was the icing on the cake.He just finished a 2-mile run and a grueling round of push-ups, flutter kicks, sit-ups and up-downs in 100-degree weather with a helmet and pads on.When the coach (my fiancé) released the boys for a water break, my son came walking up to me, barely able to move one foot in front of the other.Mind you, I was the one sitting on my ass on nice cushy blanket with ice water.Anyway - I was waiting there with a jug full of water to pour over him, and in a regrettable moment he says to me “Don’t touch me, I’m tired and fed up and don’t want to be me anymore!”I immediately transformed into psycho Mom and said, “Excuse me? Don’t touch you?Look little man, you wanted to play football!This is the last day of hell week and need to just suck it up!Oh, and for future reference, you don’t get to talk to me like that!”He apologized, hugged me and walked away with his head down.

It was at that moment that I realized that my son was simply exhausted and felt completely defeated.Something that I have felt all summer long.I had no reason to yell at him, especially since I can barely do a lap around the block, let alone 2-miles in the sickening heat!My guilt has completely overwhelmed me and I’ve come to the realization that I am a huge hypocrite, in need of a major attitude adjustment.I started reflecting on the past year and can honestly say, that I have been an absolute creep to deal with.It was with this epiphany that I have decided I am a definite contender for “Mom of the Year”.With my unbelievable ability to snap like a twig, space off everything of importance and reprimand my child for not “being tough” in hellish conditions, these are all qualities that a loving, caring Mother possesses!

So, for the record; my son is quite possibly the most exhilarating child a Mom could ask for.And sometimes, I feel like I don’t deserve him.He puts up with a lot from me.And I would like to take this time, to thank him – for putting up with me.

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I love sarcasm. Laughing til I pee. And using big words I don't know the meaning of. I'm bitchy - mostly on Tuesdays and I like to pretend that I'm a writer. I like presents, so feel free to send them to me. I fall down a lot. I stick my foot in my mouth daily (double jointed) and I love using quotation marks. And my middle finger - but only when I can't think of a good comeback.