Top Ten Stoners You'll Meet at a Dave Matthews Concert

If you're in a large group of people listening to the Dave Matthews Band, the law of probability states that you and everyone within hearing distance will likely be participating in a little traditional peace-pipe action. It's just a matter of time before the percussive chimes and fluttering saxophone inspire those lighters to flicker as you warm up your favorite glass piece. When DMB comes to West Palm Beach this week, your best defense against bros and mosquitoes is definitely a little crackling Mary Jane.

Standing barefoot in the grass, coughing while the band works itself into a jazzy jam frenzy, you may end up feeling a little paranoid from the sticky crippy you procured from a guy in the parking lot. So that you know you're not alone and no one is actually a narc, here is a rundown of five types of stoners you're likely to encounter on your date with Dave.

10. The Family Unit
The Family Unit has staked out its patch of grass for the night and thrown a Mexican-style blanket to claim the spot. Two knuckleheads, no older than 8, bounce around in tiny little Dave Matthews Band tour shirts, with Velcro sandals secured to their feet. Dad's got a beer, and Mom has an empty canteen she plans to fill at the water fountain.

These are the folks your paranoia will make you inch away from once the tunes are in full effect. The last thing you want to hear is a lecture about there being kids around when you're shitfaced. But though the Family Unit looks wholesome, these aren't the types who'll turn down your doobie if it comes their way. Because what do Dave Matthews Band fans like to do? Get high. It's more likely Mama Bear'll be battling cottonmouth with that water than washing down animal crackers.

Sayre Berman

9. The Lone Wolf
There's always that one guy bopping around who seems to know everyone, but no one really knows who he came with. He's never lost or alone, and oddly enough, he's only on the lawn because he's just "making friends, man," even though he has a pavilion ticket! You can see his bun or ponytail excitedly hustling though the crowd, moving from pod to pod of lawn stoners.

The Lone Wolf is the highest dude within a six-mile radius. He's more of a sprite or mythical creature than anything else, and he leaves as quickly as he arrived. He knows every word to every song, knows all the JamBase stats on those songs, and will tell you everything about his very first DMB show. This is the guy you'll probably also want to consult about boomers, should a demand arise. He probably doesn't have them, but because he has literally exchanged words with everyone in the venue, he probably knows who does.