Expectations and Disappointment

I promise I will write about funny and lighthearted topics soon, but I need to get this one out of my head. This is my pathetic story about my expectations for my career and how they got derailed. First, I need to explain that I take lots of medications for depression and anxiety (just like lots of other people) and I’ve been to therapy for a good portion of my life. While my experience may not seem like a big deal, in my messed up brain it was.

From the time I turned 10 and until after I graduated from college I truly believed I was going to do great things. My family was fairly wealthy and I was given every opportunity I could have possibly dreamed of. I never quite knew what I was going to do when I grew up but I knew whatever it was I was sure to be successful at it. I graduated in 2014 with a Bachelor’s Degree and thought it would be easy going from there. In college my professors prepared me for a career in healthcare management and I made the Dean’s List every semester. I worked as a receptionist at a pediatric office during school and gained some valuable experience.

Soon after graduation I applied for my first “real” job: Executive Assistant to the CEO of a home healthcare agency. I was so excited when I got an interview and thought I nailed it! No more than 2 days later I got a call from the CEO, he had an offer for me and needed me to come in to discuss it. I was ecstatic; this was a huge opportunity and an important step in my career! I was smiling ear to ear when I walked into the CEO’s office and shook his hand. He asked me to sit down and immediately broke my heart. I was not offered the job of Executive Assistant that I interviewed for, instead I was offered a part-time receptionist position for $9.00 an hour. In the moment I was so flustered and confused that I went along with it. I accepted the position and left.

When I got to the car I burst into tears and called my husband to tell him the news. He understood my disappointment but told me that I just needed to start the job in two weeks and work my way up from there. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t get over the feeling of resentment toward the company I accepted the position with. I called that same night and told the CEO that I would not be taking the job after all.

I have never been able to get myself to interview for a “real” job since that experience. I realize I sound pathetic, but I just can’t do it. Something inside of me flipped and made me terrified of applying for another job. The pediatric office job paid my bills until I gave birth to my daughter in 2016. My husband and I decided it was best for me to stay home with her for a little while since I didn’t make much money and hated my job. After a year of staying home I applied at a department store for a part-time sales position because that is all I felt like I was capable of doing. I got the job and quit after two months. Working nights and weekends wasn’t the right thing for my family and it was affecting my already fragile mental health.

My family has reminded me so many times that I’m wasting my education. My dad tells me monthly that I won’t be hireable once I try to return to work. My mom has said multiple times that my degree was a waste of their money. I’m as dissapointed in myself as they are. I know deep down that I need to do something with my life but I feel so scared that I wouldn’t be good at anything I tried to do. I have two younger sisters who are exceeding my parent’s expectations which makes me feel even worse. My husband has been so supportive of me and tries so hard to make me feel important. He always says I’m a great mom and that’s all that matters right now, but I know he wishes I would contribute more.

All I want is to do something to make my family proud. Someday, I hope to return to school to get a Master’s Degree. My thinking is that furthering my education will increase my self-confidence to a point where I can return to the workforce and make something of myself. I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking her mom isn’t capable of having a career.