My Friend Pain

Two am and still awake. Yeah you all know that feeling, the feeling of frustration because you need sleep but every fiber of your being is vibrating. It’s like every cell is doing its best to escape your body and run away from the pain inside. Pain, my old friend who never really leaves me, no matter how many times I think I have gotten far enough away from it that maybe just maybe I can take a chance at a more normal life. Sadly no this is not that time, tonight I lay here frustrated and anxious. I had done so well almost 48hrs no pain meds, good for me. But my will was just not strong enough this time and after more then four hours of tossing and turning and attempts at a more benign solution, I caved and took some pain medicine. But why is it whenever I do that I feel guilty? Its almost like giving in or giving up. I know that society has made it “acceptable” to take medication for well known, non-painful diseases, but why is there such a stigma around people who need pain meds to live normal productive lives. My pain and anxiety are made worse by my mental loop of trying so hard not to take anything, suffering, then finally giving in and taking something, then feeling guilty because I did. Sometimes the worst and most painful part of a disease that causes chronic pain is the struggle to control it mentally. I guess it’s not as bad when you know early in life and don’t know any other way of being, but when you’re a full blown adult with life experience and then find your world turned up side down it’s so hard to adjust to thinking of yourself as “different”. I keep telling myself I have no limits, I can do anything I just have to do them differently, but even that can be exhausting to the point where every once in a while I just have to have a meltdown.