Is he the one? 3 questions to ask yourself before saying ‘I do’

Marlena Bessman-Paliwoda

February 27, 2017

These three smart questions will help you silence any anxiety over your soul mate.

Freestocks | Unsplash

It’s totally normal for an engaged couple to feel a little anxious in the months or weeks leading up to the wedding. It’s a big commitment, and suddenly you may find yourself re-asking questions you thought you knew the answer to: Is this the right person for me? Are we meant for each other? Is he the one and only? After all, it’s a lifelong question, so you better be sure of the answers.

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If you’re feeling this way, try not to get worked up. Asking these questions isn’t a sign of your immaturity, or insecurity in your love. More likely, they are signs that you’re continuing to come to terms with the gravity and magnitude of marriage.

I, too, when through this phase. I vividly remember the final months before my wedding, after the date was set, when I wondered if my groom was truly “the one.” I had no doubts that my fiancé was a good man; the question was more about if we are truly meant for each other. Yes, we were both called to marriage, and we were genuine, trustworthy people in love, but was this the perfect match? And I’ve heard similar doubts (or perhaps just musings) from other engaged couples I’ve met.

After speaking with several of these couples, I realized that the way to calm your fears often boils down to three simple questions. So take a deep breath, remind yourself of your love, read the questions below, and think carefully about your answers:

1. Do you want to have a child just like your intended?

Think about your future family: Do you want to give birth to a son who is just like your groom to be?

One bride, Karolina, who has now been married for eight years, had this to say: “Before the wedding, I had a lot of doubts. I don’t know where my fear came from because I was so sure that in my love for him, and that our joint life would be a dream come true for me. Despite that feeling, all those question marks piled up inside me. But when I looked at my fiancé and realized that I wanted to have a son like him, it all went away. Today, as a wife and mother I see that those doubts were a natural feeling before you make a decision for life, and my answer was correct. I am a happy wife.”

2. Imagine yourselves as an old married couple. How do you feel?

It’s important to note what feelings arise when you think about your loved one as an old man, still by your side.

Henry, a man who has been married for an incredible fifty-one years, had a little wisdom for me on the subject: “She was nineteen years old when we wanted to get married. You’re asking me if I wanted to run? Did I have doubts? Boy, did I ever. On the wedding day, I was shaking like a leaf. My grandmother saw it, and said, ‘Henry, if you won’t love her when she is an old woman, don’t marry her. People will forget about the breakup, and you will find happiness with someone else.’ But I looked at my Sophie, and I knew that my love for her isn’t just because of her pretty face. Today I even help her do her hair because she can’t do it by herself anymore, and I help with her clothes because she can’t do her buttons either. She’s far from that girl I married fifty years ago, but to me, she is even more beautiful.”

3. Is this someone you want to raise children with?

How will your partner fare as a co-parent, and teammate as you co-captain your household?

Married five years now, Ania thought about this before her wedding day, too: “I was so in love. Everyone was telling me that Jarek was not for me, that I would regret marrying him. I wouldn’t listen, for me he was perfect. He had faults, but he was supposed to change after the wedding. Only when I started to think about our future children, I saw that I would be raising them alone. I saw that Jarek was not ready to be a parent. I called off the wedding, and today I do not regret that decision. A year later I met my husband. Today I am a happy mom, and I feel safe because we share raising the children, we are one, and that makes me happy.”

Engagement is a time of preparation for a marriage, yes, but it doesn’t mean you both need to be flawless. You are imperfect, and should embrace each other for who you truly are. So try to see any emerging questions like these not as giant warning signs, but as little reminders pointing you back in the right direction. Just let your heart answer them, and you’ll end up where you should be.