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auntie em, auntie em...

our house hunting is drawing to a close.

if all goes as planned, we will be closing on a house september 30th.

and i am dreaming of paint colors and fabric and accessories. i am dreaming of sitting on the deck watching kids play and quiet nights spent at home and family walks to the lake. i am dreaming of nightmares and failed loans and broken contracts.

sometimes being a dreamer is a pain in the butt, because i don't just dream the positive and great things, i also dream all the negative. terrible, horrifying things that could happen too. and my mind becomes a little schizo, full of dreams and hopes and plans, and full of nightmares and fears and failing.

and it is about to drive my husband crazy. and it is about to drive me crazy. and i am trying to depend on the grace and mercy of a God who wants my hopes and desires to dream to come true, but my humanness keeps getting in the way.

i want to be in control, i am a control freak. i like to control every person, every situation, every detail, every movement, every moment. and i am so out of control in this i will likely lose my mind, or at least my hair... it appears stress and no control makes my male pattern baldness even worse. i am likely to be bald my september 30th.

i am trying to breathe out doubt and breath in God's peace, but i have never been good at that.

and i am wondering if perhaps God has brought this situation, at this time, to teach me to rely on Him. not to rely on my own doubts and fears, or my own need to control, or my dreams and fairy tales, but solely on Him. because right now, He is the only one who knows what the heck is going on, and i have no choice but to give it all to Him.

and perhaps, just maybe, by september 30th i will have learned to let go and let God in a way i never have before. bald headed and afraid, but letting God. maybe, just maybe.

yesterday as we drove to the lenders office the fear and doubt started to creep in, and my mom texted me jeremiah 29:11 " for i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and as i turned my eyes heavenward, i heard a familiar quiet voice whisper in my ear; "it is sealed in heaven..." and as i closed my eyes and took a breath, the fear and doubt dissipated from an angry ranting scream to a quiet hum.

and writing this makes the fears return, and the doubt creep in. if it fails now, you all will know. and i will hate telling you all that it failed. so pray for me if you think about it, and can spare an extra 30 seconds on your knees. pray that everything works out, and that i can feel peace, the kind of peace that can come only from Christ.

and pray that my husband doesn't strangle me before then, and pray that i may show him love despite my inability to control this situation.

"Certainthoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on it's knees." Victor Hugo

"When I saw others straining towards God, I did not understand it, for though I may have had Him less than they did, there was no one blocking the way between Him and me, and I could reach His heart easily. It is up to Him, after all, to have us, our part consists of almost solely in letting Him grasp us."Rainer Maria Rilke;Rilke and Benvenueta: An Intimate Correspondence

We are both first borns, and I think we are a lot alike. I am also a big dreamer/planner/one who loves control...not bad, but I do freak out a lot at scenarios that might not even happen! Miss you guys!

OOO, how exciting and nerve wracking!! My daughter closed on a home about a yr. ago and it wasn't even my home and I was a nervous wreck!! Try to stay calm...find a mantra to go along with your prayers..lol! "I will be calm, I will be calm, I will be calm" or maybe I will stay sane, I will stay sane, I will stay sane". Good luck with your new home. You will be busy but not too busy to blog about your progress, I hope. Thanks for sharing!!

My husband and I just bought our first home and I can totally relate to all of your hopes, dreams, fears and acknowledgement of control issues. I'm a first born too! I found my dream house but it wasn't practical to our situation and I finally found the maturity and grace to let it go...knowing in my heart that the 'real' dream house would find us and it did! So my advice would be to enjoy the ride, cherish these once in a lifetime experiences with your beloved and try not to kill each other in the process! lol

Hey, I am a firstborn control freak too. I completely empathize with needing to let God be in control not me. Sending many blessings your way for the perfect home for you.

As an aside, male-pattern baldness "runs" in the females in my family, but my hair loss was stopped when I was treated for hormone deficiencies and hypothyroidism. My beautician lost almost all of her hair before she was diagnosed with hypopitutaryism; now she has full, thick, curly hair. Too much testosterone (yes, we women have it) can also cause hair loss. Hair loss isn't a spiritual thing. It may be worth it to get yourself checked out.

I thought I was the ONLY one who lost her hair during stressful times. :)

We were so afraid to tell someone we found a home because if it fell through we'd have to tell everyone that, as well. We learned many lessons along the way, as I am sure you and your hubby are doing, as well. It was all humbling and well worth the wait! Blessings galore!

I am going to pray for you tonight. I definitely know how you're feeling. This verse popped in my head when I read your post.

Psalm 37:4-6 - Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Stay encouraged! With God's blessings you will be a homeowner soon. How fun!

can't wait to see your new house and help you move and paint if you want. it will all work out. steve was extremely stressed out and paranoid on the day we closed and i had no idea what was going on. i said, "can we stop and get me a chocolate muffin?" and he almost lost it.