What do you think Kristen Stewart was for Halloween? Plus, I SURVIVED A HURRICANE!

November 1, 2012

WHAT THE FUCK UP, BITCHES!!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ALIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVEEEEE!!!!!!!!

…

I’m sincerely sorry I just called you all bitches. You’re not bitches. In fact, for a fact, I know some of you to be quite lovely people. Like I know you intimately. Like in the Biblical sense. Like from the inside out. If you know what I mean! And what I mean is that my Mom sometimes reads this blog and she gave birth to me and I was inside her tummy before it was time to be birthed. I was actually cut out of her with a knife and such. C-section! Whaddup!

Anyway, I’m glad I’m alive. I hope all of you are alive. I really hope so. If you’re not alive and you’re reading this then you’re a zombie and I’ll be forced to club your skull in with an aluminum baseball bat and I won’t be happy to do so. I will because that’s what has to happen, but I won’t be smiling that you died, became a living undead, decided to still read my blog, and then I had to kill you. One, I’ll be losing a reader, which would be unfortunate. Two, I can’t just let you continue being an undead zombie walking around considering your sustenance is human brains. Can’t let you get hungry and take out one of my other readers. You know?

I’m glad we’re alive for this moment together.

This moment of you reading my words and then never commenting because who likes 2 way conversations, am I right?!

Right now, I’m shacked up at my girlfriend’s mom’s house. The girlfriend is here too. Although not at the moment. She’s at work at the moment. Someone has got to go out and get the bacon. Not me. I need to stay here and watch over the domicile and have conversations with my friends via email about video games of our youth that we spent our youth playing.

This conversation was prompted when in my girlfriend’s mom’s basement there is a working Nintendo 64. Hadn’t played 64 in a couple years. Honestly, I do have a working one of my own, but I only own the THQ pro wrestling games like “WCW vs. NWO: Revenge” and “Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time”. Last night, we played some “Golden Eye” and some “Super Smash Bros.” and so on. Honestly, I’m horrible at “Golden Eye” now. I think one problem is I play modern games too and games have become so sophisticated that going back it’s sometimes tough. Like I’m used to playing these “Call of Duty Modern Warfare” games where I can snipe a guy’s shoelace untied, but in “Golden Eye” the controls are not as responsive and nor are the guns or anything. But fun nonetheless for the nostalgia of it all.

So… Hurricane Sandy fucking sucked.

We lost power at 10:30pm on Monday and it’s still off. A transformer (BUMBLE BEE!!!!!!) blew a couple houses down and we lost power. The storm was pretty much over at that point and the fourth quarter of the 49ers and Cardinals was about to start and really we thought we made it through the storm unscathed minus the big tree limb that fell in the backyard and took out some of the fence. All night we had seen the flashes of other transformers (OPTIMUS!!!!!) blowing up and finally ours did as well. Lame.

I’m not really complaining, but just saying. I have seen pictures of some terrible things over the past few days of places that I spent a lot of time at up and down the Jersey Shore and thoroughly sad over their destruction. I have no doubt that they will rebuild those areas because they were too profitable not to. Seriously? Is anyone really concerned that Atlantic City and Seaside are not going to rebuild? Atlantic City?! And Seaside has had it’s fair share of problems like the Sawmill (pizza restaurant/night club… yep) burnt down a couple years ago, but was rebuilt and back and running in less that a year. That will all be put back together. Hey, it could even be better than it was. For instance, some of those places needed an overhaul anyway.

As for the people whose houses were ruined, that’s the real tragedy. Hopefully all of them make it back.

…

As for Halloween? I didn’t dress up the weekend before or anything. I did see a bunch of people dressed up at a concert I went to on Saturday night. It was for a friend’s band and the concert was great. The best costume of the night was easily the girl with the absolutely enormous boobs that I can only guess were 38 ZZZZZZZZZ’s or whatever in the lowest cut tank top wearing a blonde wig and a beret. Our guess was that her costume was a boobs in a beret. Amazing.

As I was cashing out my tab at the bar, Tits McGee was standing near there and for a minute I tried to think of something to say to her where I could reasonably ask her what her costume was without sounding like myself, my girlfriend, and all of my friends were staring at her boobs and wondering a lot about them. Excuse me, Miss. My girlfriend and I are having a debate about what your titties popping out of your clothes costume is.

…

We really have no timetable as to when we’re getting power back. The electric people are saying within 7-10 days. SWEET! Sounds wonderful.

My parents down at the Jersey Shore are fine except with no power as well. There is such widespread power outage down there. Where I am, there is power in areas, but most of the power is out. But it’s an extra kick in the balls to see someone else with electricity and not to have it yourself.

As for people with generators, I envy them. I also love that they’re in their own private Hell trying to find gas. Serves you right! Also, I’m hoping no one in the middle of the night fucks with my car and tries to siphon gas out of it. I’ve heard that newer cars cannot have their gas siphoned out of it, but my car is a 2003. Is that new enough? I don’t know. I’m also too lazy to google it.

I think that’s about it for now…

Except I do have this…

I love lions and tigers so much. If the only animal you ever saw was a lion or a tiger then that’s enough for a lifetime. With all the wild creatures Planet Earth and the internet has exposed me to, nothing beats a lion or a tiger still. Big jungle cats are still some of the most interesting creatures ever. Just powerful and majestic.

The part where the lion comes out from behind tree charging at the tiger… un-fucking-real. That will never not be breathtaking.

I hope you all are doing great no matter if you were involved in the hurricane or not.

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4 Responses to “What do you think Kristen Stewart was for Halloween? Plus, I SURVIVED A HURRICANE!”

Glad you survived — we did too. Hurricane Sandy was a Bitch from Hell and I’m saddened that so many Jersey seaside attractions are now gone. Not to mention all the damaged homes, not just from the storm, but from the fires in the aftermath!
Oh, and here’s your dirty girl last night in her lazy-ass costume a/k/a Kstew in her normal attire with a see-thru mask — way to keep it real Kristen

I like the moment when the tiger’s running away from the lion, and it realizes, “The fuck am I running for? I’m a tiger!”

My kid have books called “Who Would Win? X vs. Y” where X and Y are grizzly bears and polar bears, or white shark and killer whale, etc. So based on the stringent scientific evidence of a Scholastic 3rd grade reader, I feel pretty confident in saying that the tiger could kick that lion’s ass. Big cats are the adorableessttest.

Some of the kids who came to my door last night could easily kick my ass. I’m not even sure if one of them was a kid dressed as a hobo, or a real hobo. Also, a limo with LED pumpkin lights dropped off kids on our block and picked them up when they were done. I’m not sure a $400 limo ride to get $0.05 of candy is strictly worth it, but, you know, style points. Or douchebag points.

Three: I love the way those wild beasts play with those pumpkins just like little kitties with a ping pong ball (Ha! scary panther playing with his tale). I do not believe those tigers actually enjoy the taste of pumkin. And, as a patriot, I have to vote for the lion.