Nani v Nano: how the lady on the Tube saw Man U's downfall

'You could see it was accidental - but he was given a red card anyway': the alternative match report

IT WAS Jose Mourinho, the Real Madrid manager, who said earlier this week that the whole world would stop to watch last night's Champions League game between his side and Manchester United. It seems he was right.

Witness a woman, in her late 50s or 60s, sitting on the London Underground this morning, clutching her handbag, dressed in black (possibly no coincidence) and explaining what had happened to a man who had missed the game. Imagine Alan Bennett meets Match of the Day..

Woman: "So this player – Nano, I think - went to kick the ball and his leg went right up and hit the Spanish player right here, in the chest. You could see it was accidental but he was given a red card anyway."

Man: "Nani perhaps?"

Woman: "That's right, Nani. And that man who runs Manchester United, he was FURIOUS. He was charging out of his seat, wagging his finger, you couldn't blame him. And then that one who plays for Real Madrid but also plays for a team here, I think – can't remember his name – he scored a goal and that was that."