My biggest struggle through any of this has been and almost all consuming questioning of my true orientation. I developed an interest years ago in women's clothing and while I was married it was something my ex-wife excepted. It wasn't an every day occurrence but it was there-more so when I was stressed.

Often when I'd dress I'd find the questioning of my sexuality decrease-I didn't seek out gay porn/chat or fantasize about men nearly as much.

While it wasn't something my ex overly embraced it was at times both embraced in our sex life and outside of it. When our marriage ended she literally took every female article of clothing I had.

The orientation questioning consumed me again as did porn/chat/fantasy and for the several years we've been a part I didn't own a single item of female clothing until just a few months ago.

Now living on my own I again dress from time to time and find it helps me contain the other stuff. I've wondered if dressing the part/embracing a feminine side eases my subconscious-as if it tells me that when I'm dressed the part I don't need to feel guilt/shame for the pleasure response...

I wear panties and hose when I can and I just recently painted my toe nails I can not believe the way I felt after I did, I looked down at them and it was a horrible job but I felt relaxed and at peace for the first time in a very long time.This Week when I am feeling stressed I look down at my feet whether they are bare or not and I just smile Not sure what this says about me and right now I do not really care I am enjoying the feeling while it lasts.

I'm thinking about bringing it up at therapy, but im not sure about it.. to me it is a connection with my innocence.

And i also feel it has to do with me being too shy to look for a woman. I know i'd like to be in a relationship, but at the same time i'm afraid of the pain fo being rejected.. somewhere deep inside there is a thought of not being good enough, even though i know this is not true.

good luck all on your journey finding out who you are. Cross-dressing is a way to express something without words.. its up to us to try and understand

_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

There is nothing wrong with being a cross-dresser or wearing female underwear. However, all of that depends on one's intention for doing so. If I am consumed by the idea and it has more power than me then I must look at what is going on inside of me. I believe strongly that it is a grave error to just suggest everything is ok because there is 'no normal.' Each individual is able to perceive for themselves where that behavior comes from. You will not find personal peace and freedom by just saying everything is ok. Again, I am not suggesting that there is an objective right/wrong but rather that each person knows for themselves what feels truly healthy and what doesn't. If there is an addictive quality/attraction to the behavior I would definitely ask what is happening beneath that.

What saddens me is giving open permission to act on behaviors that one intuitively knows is not coming from a place of health and love is essentially extending the experience of abuse.

We are worth so much more than that.

***again, I'm not opposed to the behaviors but rather to not question if the behavior is being done from a place of love & health rather than fear.

What saddens me is giving open permission to act on behaviors that one intuitively knows is not coming from a place of health and love is essentially extending the experience of abuse.

This is to me the key.. this is why i started this topic in the first place. I'm trying to work on this and understanding why i 'want' to wear female cloathing is part of this.

Sadly, since i discovered i was abused, i found out that a lot of things which i thought were normal, can be classified as addictive. And now im coming to terms with that while slowly but surely changing things for the better.

Your words strike deep within here, but thats ok. Im willing to look at my behavior and ask myself whether i truely want it, or just do it because im obsessed about it.. i cant say i have the answer at this moment concerning wearing female underwear.. but i am working on it, not just indulging in it..

cause i 100% agree with you that we should find out the place of health and love within!

[edit]Just read something which actually makes sense to me. Wearing the female underwear ignites the abuse in a way. There are the addictive factors: its a secret you have to keep, and there is the excitement of having to keep it a secret. It's like i replace the abuse with wearing the female underwear, but i was unconcious of the true reasons..I'll just have to give it a shot at therapy coming thursday, whether i like it or not..

Edited by OCN (09/23/1304:18 PM)

_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

Remember if you feel that wearing women's clothing is coming from love you have all my support. I'd love you if you'd be wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey everyday. (I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan) There is no shame in anything that has its origin as Love.

The tricky part is that in my experience only the individual can decide where the intention is coming from. No therapist, friend, parent can make that call for someone...they can support but not make that call.

If it is coming from fear remember you need not live in the prison of abuse any longer. However, I imagine it will be very hard to move through as my addictive behaviors have been for me.

You are free to do what you must but I would ask myself about why I would not share something so significant with my therapist and what that may or may not say about my relationship with him or her. I am assuming you are in therapy to help move through issues of sexual abuse. If so, this type of information is imperative that it be shared. At least this is all from my point of view.

When I brought it up with my T I could tell she was dumbfounded then she told me that she has never had any experience with men who like women's under garments. I thanked her for the honesty and was told she will try and find someone I can talk to about it if I feel I need to.

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.