Creating the right context for sex

Embodied movement – Start by standing tall, feet rooted, and taking a deep breath. Turn on music that matches your current mood and dance it out, feeling the motion move through your body. Then shift to music that matches how you want to feel and repeat. For more, check out my friend Nadia’s website where she has a full class as well as a free starter kit.

Sleepy Hedgehog Technique – adapted from Emily Nagoski’s amazing book Come As You Are (seriously go buy it – its become a bible for myself and many other sex educators). For the brief version, click here.

Relationship Agreements – choose 1-2 things you want to work on and setup a rule. Some examples: when you’re on the couch, you must be touching; when you part and reunite, spend at least 60 seconds hugging; no phones at the dinner table (or in the bedroom).

Foreplay

Eye gazing – 4 minutes, with your beau. Can be touching or not and in any position. Giggles and laughter welcome. Do this daily for deeper connection and as foreplay to get out of your head and into the present moment. Alternate saying “I’m grateful for…” and then “I love…”

Intention setting – sex the intention to receive as much pleasure as possible. Can be done silently on your own, verbally with a partner, or even incorporated into eye-gazing.

During Sex

Breathe into the center of your chest – your heart and your tingly bits are connected. If you are struggling to stay present, imagine breath and light going into your heart. These are shallower breaths so be mindful of doing this for too long or if you have asthma or other lung issues.

Touch your breasts – similarly, give you heart some physical love by massaging, cupping, pulling, and generally loving on your breasts. Or, have your partner help you out here! For my fellow Grace & Frankie fans, this is the sexy version of Sol rubbing Frankie’s chest when she has a panic attack.

Tantra breath – deep inhale, exhale with sound. Something you can practice with a partner and take into sex or start in the middle of sex. The sound should be deep, not high-pitched. This is another way porn lied to you.

Breath into your genitals. I used to roll my eyes at this until I try it. As you get close to orgasm, deepen your breath. Any sounds you’re making will get deeper and this is good because you’re engaging your entire pelvic girdle and diaphragm and hellllllllo sensation!

Edging – a way of heightening your arousal and enhancing your orgasm that requires you to pay close attention to when you’re close to experiencing orgasm – and stop. Click here for details.

Combine sleepy hedgehog + embodied movement in the moment with these questions:

Do I really want to be having sex right now? Sometimes your distraction is a sign that you’re just not that into it. That’s ok. Gently let your partner now and if you want, do alternative intimate activities or just cuddle and watch TV.

If you do, “What don’t I want to feel right now? What am I avoiding?” Is it fear? Anxiety? Nausea? Wildness?

Let yourself feel it. Let the emotion flow through your body. Focus on the sensation and say yes to it.

Take mindful action. Do you need to scream? Cry? Roleplay? Get wild? Go for it!