Ever since I saw the first Old Spice “Mom Song” video, I have been praying to my non-denominational Spray God every night, asking (begging) that one of the smell technicians at Old Spice reach out to me for a product review of their new Re-Fresh Body Spray. In the meantime, I used an old bottle of Fiji shower gel to feel like I was part of the movement, to show I was “down,” i.e. the way gang members have to “do dirt” to be accepted into a particular gang or sect. And it paid off.

Old Spice reached out, but just like in gang life, they wanted something from me. Even though I killed that drifter (needlessly, as it turned out) to peg my “real-a-meter” into the red, what they really needed from me was to recruit more members who cover their members in body spray. After all, 67% of guys who use body spray aren’t using it correctly.

I blame AXE for the cavalier spray techniques that have been developed, because after those ads, you thought the only way to apply body spray was via Spray Cloud. I seriously didn’t think “too much” existed in the body spray vernacular.

If AXE isn’t to blame, perhaps it is the lesser known GED equivalent, Bod and the famous song/tagline conveyed via sex drenched female voice, “Hot bod/I want your bod.” And who could forget that dude’s ripped abdominals? Here, check ‘em out:

Oh my Bod, that’s terrible.

Whoever you want to blame, it doesn’t change the fact that an Overspraying Epidemic exists thanks to the lack of proper training regarding spray techniques and men’s body sprays.

FACT: 68% of young guys reveal that no one has taught them how to spray properly.

FACT: 55% of young guys apply body spray to their clothes.

FACT: 53% of moms admit their son wasn’t properly taught how to apply body spray.

We truly are the products of our Spray Environments, and the kind of men we “spray into” is either because of or in-spite of the products we are exposed to by our moms, and more hopefully, other man’s moms.

So what is Old Spice doing about this? Re-introducing you to your manhood for the first time, like that crush you had on your cousin at the family reunion in the early ’90s. Except this time, there will be no guilt or unwanted pregnancy, and you will be doing it correctly. (Rachel, if you’re reading this, I miss you.)

Old Spice Re-Fresh Body Spray features “Re-fresh Technology” where scents refresh throughout the day, automatically.

Re-Fresh features a patented cyclic molecule with an empty core that absorbs fragrance as the body spray dries on the skin. “Observe that, Newton.”

“Swagger” could easily have been renamed “New School Pimp” scent. It was fresh and young, yet esteemed and established. It was highly educated, but you can tell via a knowing glance that it always keeps its pimp hand frosty, with a subtle yet fully viewable “Make your move, sir” glean in its eye.

Wes Welker is a player that any fan can relate to, which is what makes him such a great pitch-man for Old Spice and the new “Unnecessary Freshness” campaign. But when you look at Welker’s career and laundry list of accomplishments, it becomes apparent that you are looking at the body of work befitting a future NFL Hall of Famer.

Two Super Bowl appearances as a cog in the most productive offense in NFL history. Five Pro Bowls. League leader in receptions three times. Most seasons with 100+ receptions in NFL history (5). Most receptions in Patriots history.

Welker even holds the Dolphins’ all-time records for total kickoff returns, kickoff return yardage and total punt returns. Only one player in NFL history, Gale Sayers, had more all-purpose yards in his first three NFL seasons than Welker did with the Dolphins. Legendary NFL head coach Marty Schottenheimer has called cutting Welker from the Chargers in 2004 “the biggest mistake (he) ever made.”

I spoke to Wes about his career and his experience working with Old Spice.

Wes, how the hell are you?

Good, good everything is great.

Right off the bat, I’m not going to ask you any questions about comparing Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, okay?

Okay, (laughing) sounds great man. I’ve had so many of those lately it’s almost normal.

First, I’d like to address a rumor that I heard. Kim Kardashian and Kayne West recently had a baby and named it North West. I actually heard that they named it after you, Wes Welker, because you run north and south predominantly and of course, your name is Wes. Is that true?

That is the first I have ever heard of that. So, I think you have to go to them on that one, but that would be pretty interesting.

They’re pretty well insulated so I’m just going to take your word for it.

Yeah, you can, feel free. Who knows?

Tell me about Old Spice. What’s up with the “Unnecessary Freshness” campaign?

It’s been a really cool deal. I think you’ve seen a lot of their commercials in the past and the way they are, so I was really excited to get to do all the commercials and all that stuff. We’re basically celebrating the new season and the brand’s Fresh Collection lineup and reminding fans to of the importance of “unnecessary freshness.” They can check everything out on YouTube and see all the videos and the crazy stuff like me being in a snow globe, my legs being eaten by lizards. Or some of the print stuff, where there’s a shark eating my legs. Its kinda funny when I’m shooting this because the director is like, “OK, so imagine there is a shark eating your legs right there.” I’m like, “Really — there’s gonna be a shark eating my legs?” They do a great job with it, it’s been really cool.

Do you have a favorite scent?

Fiji would be my favorite. They sold me on it pretty easily when they brought that one out. I was like, “Oh yeah, this is my favorite right here.” It’s a very Fiji-type, island-type smell.

You’ve played under some of the most noteworthy coaches in football history: Marty Schottenheimer, Nick Saban, Bill Belichick and now John Fox is in that pantheon too. Who did you learn the most from and whose style did you appreciate the most?

Oh man, I tell ya, I’ve learned so much from all of them. Marty, just how he was with the players and really getting g guys going, that being my first training camp, just how hard training camp was. And how tough it was, especially with an old school guy like him. It was really cool. There’s been a lot of great coaches along the line, but I think I’ve pulled something from all the coaches. From Belichick, I learned about preparation and the way he prepares his teams and the way he gets them ready is high up there. Coach Saban was along those same lines as well, definitely had some tough training camps down in Miami. And Coach Fox does a great job of keeping everyone in line and staying on top of everybody and gets the most out of everyone. It’s been cool to see all the different angles from all those coaches.

How does your weight fluctuate during the season. Is it hard to maintain weight during the long NFL season?

Not really. During the season, I watch what I eat, but just try to stay on top of my diet and just make sure I’m getting enough protein, carbs and stuff so I can go out there and do my job. I wouldn’t say it fluctuates too much. I stay at about 185 , maybe down to 182 during the season and then maybe 187 during the off season, because I’m having a few brownie sundaes or something (laughing).

As a wide receiver who takes a lot of hits, what does a “stinger” actually feel like?

You just feel like a numbness run through your body.

Oh, so it’s like a divorce?

Exactly (laughing). I guess so. I’ve been lucky enough to not experience that, hopefully I’m not on that end. I’d say that’s a good way to describe it (laughing). But no, I’d say it’s a numbness a lot of times in your shoulder or neck running through there, and you feel almost like a vibrating sensation through your arm.

When you look back at your career, are you amazed at how far you’ve come? You’ve set records at every stop, with the Dolphins and the Patriots. Only Gale Sayers has more all-purpose yards in three years than you did in Miami. How do you feel when you think about that?

I pinch myself all the time. Just knowing where I came from and how hard it was to get here, and it’s been pretty remarkable. I feel there’s a lot more to accomplish, a lot more to do and I think back to those times whenever I’m feeling sorry for myself or anything else. Just to push it further and be on top of everything.

What accomplishment are you most proud of?

I really don’t think about it too much. I’d say just making it to the NFL. That was the first stepping stone to get where I’m at. I could’ve very easily been cut and on the streets and that would be the end of my career. So, just getting the opportunity is good enough for me.

Which defender do you enjoy beating the most, current or past? Is there one guy that stands out?

Oh man, I enjoy beating any of them, in this league. It’s a good feeling. So I won’t say there’s one over another, I enjoy any time that happens on the field.

How do you develop the chemistry you have in Denver already compared to other wide receivers and quarterbacks in the league who spend years together and never develop that?

You listen to the quarterback and run routes the way they want them ran. And if you do that, no matter what you think, they’re the one making the decision on throwing the ball and everything else. So doing what you’re told and being in the right spot, if you do that offensively, it works out well.

I almost slipped into a Peyton Manning question there. Dammit, I said his name.

When braving the untamed wilderness of manhood there are many pitfalls and natural predators. The greatest of all? Your own body odor. The only thing worse than smelling bad is not knowing you smell bad. So for us guys who are too busy, unconcerned or stupid to realize it, Old Spice has your back (and underarms, and banus) thanks to the Old Spice Fresh Collection.

The Original Scent of Old Spice “High Endurance” body wash or deodorant has been a staple of many a man’s self-cleaning regiment for years. Mainly because of the great smell; for years chicks have been complementing me on my “cologne” and for years it’s been nothing but Old Spice deodorant, baby. And though Old Spice has been around for years, it isn’t just for your old man, man. Because it isn’t made for faceless/nameless guys who want to smell like a bar of soap. It’s for men whose identity screams “I know the Heimlich and can deliver a baby; and I did both before noon today, damn it!”

The collection of scents, comprised of some of the best odors on the planet, are “inspired by the freshest places on earth”. And though these places are uncommon and difficult to get to, Old Spice has made it easy (and cheap) to take the essence of these places and cram them into your nose holes. Five places from around the world are featured as both a body wash and a deodorant; Fiji, Matterhorn, Denali, Cyprus and Komodo.

Because I was a fan of the “High Endurance” line of the body wash and deodorant, my favorite was Matterhorn because it was like the original scent, except, just like the amplifiers for the band “Spinal Tap”, Matterhorn “goes up to eleven.” When you need that “little extra push over the cliff” both scent and feel were potent, but not “over the top.”

My least favorite scent in the Old Spice Fresh Collection was Komodo; it was just too subtle and didn’t deliver the strong punch to the nostrils that I enjoy. But that’s what Old Spice did right with all five of the aforementioned scents; if you want something a little more subtle than Matterhorn all five of the scents are easily distinguished and noticeably different, just like the men who use them.

Denali was my second favorite, marketed as smelling like “wilderness, open air and freedom.” Sure, it sounds ridiculous but is it any more ridiculous than a congressman with the last name of “Weiner” sending pictures of his unit to unsuspecting babes? If that can happen, then why can’t a deodorant/body wash actually smell like those things?

One more thing worth noting is the cost of any of the available scents. At $4.29 for a stick of deodorant or $3.99 for a bottle of body wash it’s cheaper than other leading brand names like Right Guard or Axe.

So “Axe” yourself a question; do you want to smell like a man, man? With Father’s Day right around the corner, pick up a bottle from the Old Spice Fresh Collection and watch your father inhale the initial scent and wistfully remember that time he slayed the local babes on the island of Cyprus. Your mom wasn’t his first.