MLB Trade Rumors had it first, and noted rich guy Jon Heyman confirmed on Twitter: Pat Burrell is retiring. The thumping, lumbering outfielder posted a .253/.361/.472 line in 12 MLB seasons, most of them with the Phillies. He had ranked 25th among active players in home runs. He won two World Series. Not bad at all. A chronic foot injury felled him just a bit before his time.

We here at Deadspin will remember Pat the Bat, who not only spurred our editor emeritus's Phillies to greatness—and routinely savaged this writer's Mets—but also was the source of some great, wacky sex stories over the years.