Finding My Pace: #ROW80 /#12WeekYear EOW 5

Hi there, ROWers and friends!

January is over, which means I’ve entered my first full month of being a widow – a word I’m still having some trouble attaching to myself or my situation, no matter how accurate it is.

Some things are easier now. I’ve made headway on the administrative tasks, for instance, and gained confidence along the way. The kids and I are settling into a new rhythm, learning as we go, and doing our best to be patient with one another.

Other things, though, stymie me. The odd moments when I’m compelled to run something by Jim the way I used to. The quiet spaces that his sense of humor and his laughter would fill so well. The place in our bed that doesn’t hold his warm solid presence anymore.

It was predawn when I wrote this, and the wind was blowing hard against the house. It’s a time I would have snuggled against Jim, and felt safer. Now, several hours later, I’m sipping coffee and settling into the rhythm of a new day. I’m watching Property Brothers to add voices – Jim and I used to have coffee and conversation together.

I’m finding my pace, but I still miss the man who walked beside me for over 20 years.

Published by shanjeniah

I am myself. I own my life, and live with three other people who own theirs. My intention is to do only those things that bring me joy, and to give myself wholly to those things I do.
Writing has been my passion throughout my life, and this will become the home for my writing life...because it brings me great joy!
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I don’t… not yet. I want to say “not ever”, but I know I really don’t have any control of that… so I guess that I do know after all, but it doesn’t fell right to say so, because as much as I do, I don’t. But I love you, and I am so happy to see you are able to keep on and find some comfort in new skills and old memories…. the last thing one needs when the world has turned topsy turvy is to feel even more unsettled because things can’t be done or dealt with.

I appreciate the progress you are making in this new landscape. Whatever time we have with our beloveds is something to cherish, and you show that through every day’s commitment to your writing, your family, and to Jim. May your memories of what you’ve shared continue to comfort you and give you strength each day. Thank you for being such a strong presence here, in ROW80. May your week ahead be a good one, colorful and renewing.

Once again, I’m blown away by your eloquent authenticity in describing the most difficult time I can imagine going through, and your strength in finding your way in this new normal. In the midst of this, your accomplishments are nothing short of impressive. Keep on keeping on… I’m sending good thoughts for you and your family.

I can’t imagine the void Jim’s passing must have left. Ryan and I have been together for 18 years, married for eight, living together for 15, and we’ve found this level of joyful comfort. Know that many of our hearts are sending you healing energy as you make this transition.

Regarding budgeting, I use the Every Dollar app for our monthly budgets, and I really like it. You can track expenses/income as the month progresses, and adjust things as necessary. So, if you have a bill for say, $25, you can add $25 to that item and subtract it from somewhere else. I highly recommend it.