Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, August 26, 2013

Dr. Oz Is Full Of It

One
of the biggest blowhards around today is this guy, Dr. Oz. Dr. Oz is a medical doctor who apparently is
smarter than any doctor that has ever lived.
He is also smarter than all the doctors alive today put together. Dr. Oz gives advice on any and all medical
and health issues and it is all absolutely, positively, completely,
accurate! We know this because Oprah
Winfrey says it is true. And Oprah is
the closest thing we have to a modern day Buddha (both in wisdom and weight). Dr. Oz has so much great advice that he needs
a television show, books and a web site, to be able to proclaim it all.

So
it may come as a shock to millions of people around the world, but due to my exhaustive
research and powers of deduction I have determined that: DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T!

Here
is my evidence:

-Dr.
Oz obviously is from the Land of Oz, which means his medical license is from Oz
and this is one wacky place. I suspect some
weird medical experiments have been conducted in Oz. Think about it. The Tin Man had his heart
removed, but still was able to function.
The Scarecrow had his brain removed but was still able to speak. The Cowardly Lion was a male beast, but
lacked courage. This probably meant they
had removed his ozzies, for medical research.

This is why much of Dr. Oz’s advice sounds as if it came
from monkeys flying out of his butt.
This stuff may work on munchkins, but not for real people in the real
world. Just as the Wonderful Wizard
turned out not to be so wonderful, Dr. Oz will someday be exposed as a
fraud. Pay no attention to the man in
the blue scrubs, because: DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T!

-Dr.
Oz recently wrote an article saying all the things your mother did to treat
your childhood ailments were wrong and did not really help you at all. So Dr. Oz thinks he knows more than my mom
about basic medicine. Really, really
Dr. Oz?

Whenever I was sick or needed any treatment, my mom did
just the right thing to make me feel better.
Mom told me I would get well and I always did. So if Dr. Oz thinks he knows more than my mom
about making boo-boos heal fast, then DR. OZ IS FULL OF S**T!

-Women
listen and believe Dr. Oz because he is a good looking doctor. Chicks dig doctors because they have loads of
cash and it’s just a bonus if they are considered cute.

I first heard of Dr. Oz when my co-worker Shelia
announced that she had gone orgasmic because of this “doctor” she watches on
television. I asked her if her husband
was enjoying this and she said her husband was not doing this with her! When I inquired further she told me it was
all about orgasmically types of food. I
ended the conversation at this point because whatever she was doing with any
cucumbers because of Dr. Oz should not be discussed at work.

Regardless, the choice of a healthcare professional
should never be influenced by their appearance.
Of course an obvious exception is made for Swedish nurses, which I
recommend be applied to my body whenever I get a headache. So even though women love him: DR. OZ IS
FULL OF S**T!

If
all this isn’t bad enough, Dr. Oz always has that stupid smirk on his
face. It’s the type of smirk I have seen
on upper management my entire business career.
The type of smirk that says: I'm peddling this huge crock of s**t and
getting paid big bucks to do so. In Dr. Oz’s
case he is also making your woman go orgasmic in the process.

So
to review: Dr. Oz thinks he is brilliant.
Dr. Oz says lots of medical stuff.
But in reality: DR. OZ IS so, so, FULL OF S**T!