Monday, April 28, 2008

Last week, TASSthe paper reported that former Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr helped Justin Boren get his release from Michigan and complimented Ohio State in the process.

According to the Enquirer Dispatch, Carr told Boren that Tuos is the closest thing to Michigan he would find and that there are "good people" in C-bus. The Weekly World News Dispatch claimed the source for the story was an "unnamed person close to the situation."

I must admit, the story did sound sketchy from the get-go. Carr never seemed tight with Tressel and his bomb-sniffing minions in Buckeyeville. In fact, the whole thing had the ring of wishful thinking in C-bus, giddy over the Boren defection in the first place ("Not only do your players want to transfer here but even scUM's old coach secretly envied us and recognizes our greatness!").

Most importantly, if you're the Globe Dispatch and you're about to print a story saying Michigan's recently-retired coach not only helped facilitate the transfer of a starting player from A2 to Columbus , but also heaped praise on a hated rival in the process, don't you think maybe you'd contact Carr to verify the information? But, alas, there is no mention of such a crazy-ass thing (often called "reporting" by many newspapers) in the Star Dispatch column. Nope. One person gives you surprising info that makes a great story as your readers would wish it to be, why confirm it if it might turn out to be false and damage said story?

And does this sort of story really warrant an "unnamed" source in a (supposedly) legit newspaper? I thought that sort of "source protection" was for stories where the reporter was dealing with a huge corruption scandal at the highest levels of government, or a mole inside the mafia, maybe a double agent with insider knowledge of Iran's clandestine nuclear weapons program.

Not at the National Examiner Dispatch. Such a "Deep Throat" veil of secrecy is afforded sources for stories on transferring football players. Edward R. Murrow must be rolling over in his grave.

As for the Sun'sDispatch's source for the story? My opinion is that it sounds like something "leaked" by somebody close to Boren in an attempt to soften the perception of the Judas move ("But even Carr thought it was the best move for Justin.")

Friday, April 25, 2008

Having had some fun in the past on the MZone with ND Uber QB Jimmy Clausen's hair styles, we thought we should update our readers on his new 'do. Apparently this season he's going for the oh-so-popular Woody Harrelson look sweeping college campuses today...

Waaaay behind on reader emails but had to get this one up even though it's a couple weeks old.

Mike sent us this picture from Evan F's Flickr page. Look at the faces of the guys in the crowd. Utter and complete awe. Like they've just witnessed the weeping image of the Virgin Mary suddenly appear on the side of a bale of hay in the middle of an Iowa cornfield.

Or ever see that movie SIXTEEN CANDLES? Remember the scene where Anthony Michael Hall holds up Molly Ringwald's undies in the boys bathroom and the freshman geeks just stare in wonder? Bingo.

The honest-to-God, actual headline below (here's the link) was sent in by our pal DW. It's a story about a coach leaving the Oregon women's b.ball program and it should have been on that segment on the Tonight Show...

Ho leaves position as women's basketball assistant

Of course, the departure begs the question: now that Ho's gone, how are they going to fill that opening?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

After leaving Michigan because new strength and conditioning coach Mike Barwis didn't provide hot coco, warm hugs and chocolates on his pillow at the end of each workout claiming the program's "family values have eroded" under recently-hired coach Rich Rodriguez, former Wolverine starting O-lineman Justin Boren has transferred to the University of Ohio State.

In announcing that he was going over to the dark side, Anakin Skywalker Boren said he was "looking forward to the chance to help the Buckeyes continue their excellence in any way I can."

Of course, Boren has already contributed to that his first two years at Michigan helping Michigan lose both those contests to the Bucks.

College football historians claim the move is unprecedented, saying this is the first time since World War II that they can recall a high-profile player selling his soul to the devil transferring from Michigan to Ohio State.

The move is even more amazing considering Boren's father Mike played for legendary Michigan coach Bo Schembechler. Visitors to Schembechler's gravesite noted a small shift in the earth when the transfer announcement was made.

Under Big Ten rules, Judas Justin Boren must pay his own way for the rest of his career at Ohio State and will not be able to receive an athletic scholarship from the school. (INSERT BUCKEYE BOOSTER JOKE HERE)

Not surprisingly, the most excited person about the transfer outside the state of Ohio was Detroit Free Press writer Drew Sharp. Sources tell the MZone he wept, wet himself then ran fully erect to his computer in order to hurriedly write his 1,684th column trashing the University of Michigan, former coach Lloyd Carr, the city of Ann Arbor and anything blue.

My apologies to all for being away from ye ol' keyboard the last couple of days. For some reason, I'm expected to work to actually get paid. Go figure.

Although, I have to say, it's pretty cool to see everybody picking up the ball so to speak and running with it. 160+ comments for a filler post? Uh, do you guys even need me? Sheesh!

One thing since I haven't been spending as much time here as I should of late: please know that when I see blantantly offensive comments, I will delete them. There's a difference between free wheeling and personal attacks directed at other commenters.

Come on, join hands and sing it with me (no, not "Don't give a damn about the whole state of Michigan!," Buck fans):

In his paper published in this month's issue of the journal Evolutionary Psychology (what do you mean you don't subscribe?), U-M's Daniel Kruger interviewed 475 college students and found that 27 percent of the men and 14 percent of the women reported trying to trade something to get sex. "Sometimes it was money, sometimes it was funding voice lessons, and sometimes it was giving tickets to the Ohio State versus Michigan game," he said. "There's a black market for those tickets - they're quite sought after."

Michigan-Ohio State...or sex?

Hmm.

Hmmmmm.

Now, let me just go on record as saying I love sex. A lot. But upon further review, I really can't think of a potential sexual situation not involving Charlize Theron and Evangeline Lilly -- with Stacy Keibler video taping it -- that would ever make me even consider giving up my Michigan-Ohio State tickets.

And even faced with the above hypothetical, it would depend on the team records and what was at stake. Undefeated and the BCS berth on the line as was the case in '06? Sorry, Charlize. I'll be dodging donuts and sitting amongst 98,000 scarlet and grey-clad profanity-spewing truckers as I cheer on the Wolverines.

Then again, if the '08 season turns out to be a bad as I think it could be, come November I just might be open to trading my tix to any drunk Tri Delt for a hand job and some post-climax cuddling.

Ed. Note:

Dear Charlize, Evangeline and Stacy,

The MZone is a college football website with an emphasis on comedy. I'll say it again: comedy. Thus, if you really want to see the M-OSU game and the above situation -- hell, even two-thirds of it -- sounds reasonable, please feel free to contact me at the email address on our home page. Yes, I want to go to the game but, I mean, it never hurts to ask, right?

Manningham sent a letter to NFL teams before the Pro Day workout at U-M last month to let them know about his relationship with Mary Jane during this days in A2.

This revelation comes on the heels of Manningham's crap-ass performance at the NFL combine earlier this year where he denied to NFL scouts ever testing positive for the stink weed.

Once an almost sure first round draft pick, Manningham's stock has tumbled and, according to the Detroit News article linked above, he's reportedly been removed for some team's draft boards due to character issues.

By sending the letter to NFL teams, apparently Manningham hoped to -- pardon the pun -- "clear the air" and let organizations know he's put his wake and bake past behind him and is serious about being a professional athlete and not Ricky Williams' future roommate.

As you may recall, Manningham was suspended for last year's Eastern Michigan game due to what was called at the time "a violation of team rules." But in his letter to NFL teams and Snoop Dogg, Manningham revealed the reason was actually "due to coach (Lloyd) Carr's determination that I was lacking in focus."

Yeah, the Gange will do that, M.

In the Detroit Free Press story about Manningham's admission, they note that "NCAA rules do not require the suspension of an athlete who tests positive for 'street drugs,' listed as heroin and marijuana in the NCAA drug-testing manual."

If Manningham tested positive only for the Whacky Tabacky, the discretion for suspension would not be with the NCAA, but instead with Michigan.

I'd love to know when the other time he tested positive. Judging from his performance, I'd almost guess it was about 10 minutes before last year's Ohio State game.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

You know, for the first half of the clip -- the beer, the chants, the girls kissing (yes, the girls kissing) -- I saw simply the drunken (although crude) shenanigans of college students everywhere.

The second half of the clip made me realize, Oh yeah, this is a riot.

For another clip of drunken idiots amongst the tear gas haze screaming "Woo hoo!," "Fuck the police!" and "They ran over the bricks!" followed by head-scratching laughter usually associated with those who think Carlos Mencia is funny, click HERE.

Click hear for another vid and a question about something I don't understand: So this one more or less starts the pre-tear gas mob chanting in the middle of Cedar Village. Two girls are (I assume) on the shoulders of their boyfriends (?) when the (surprise, surprise) "Show your tits!" chant starts. While they don't oblige there, they do start kissing sending the crowd into a frenzy (and quick lunges for their cellphone cameras and video cameras that borders on parody).

As the two girls kiss, a third girl is hoisted up on somebody's shoulders. Then a fourth. And they all start kissing. But my question is this, and it's a mult-parter: A) What boyfriend, seeing the chaos all around and hearing the chants of "Show your tits!" thinks to himself, "Damn, I want my girlfriend to be in the epicenter of a beer and hormone fueled mob! This is a fantastic idea! C'mon, honey, get on my shoulders!" and B) What woman thinks to herself, "Shit, I'm going to miss my opportunity to either show my tits or kiss a girl in front of three thousand drunk people -- and really the world when this ends up on YouTube! Hurry, Brad! Hoist me up on your shoulders!"

Look, I'm not usually one to complain about two college girls kissing. But I am a little baffled by the thought process that got us here.

A group called Improv Everywhere -- which according to its website "causes scenes of chaos and joy in public places" -- had a some funny turning a little league baseball game in Hermosa Beach, CA, into a major league event. Behold...

According to official and eyewitness accounts, the large Cedar Fest gathering -- which was banned in 1987 exactly because of parties like this -- was more or less peaceful until things began to get out of hand at around 1 a.m. when police waded into the mob to break up fights and detain two girls who flashed their breasts. The crowd began pelting the officers with bottles, cans and beer.

As things got worse, reinforcements were called in but the East Lansing police chief said at the time, “We’re going to solve this without a drop of tear gas."

Uh, how long have you been the East Lansing police chief, Chief?

Even more amazing, according to the Detroit Free Press article linked above, this desire by the police chief to not use tear gas came even after "his officers had been chased east on Waters Edge Drive by a now-riotous mob yelling obscenities."

So instead of tear gas, what did the ELPD try first? "Flash bang" grenades.

Yes, "flash bang" grenades. You know, the things Delta Force uses as they enter a suspected Taliban hideout in Kandahar.

Yeah, hey, no tear gas -- which is made for mobs like this -- let's break out the special forces and S.W.A.T. team toys first.

Unfortunately, the "flash bangs" didn't work as the police were up against a group more hardened and dangerous than radical terrorists: Michigan State students and East Lansing townies, who began chanting "We want tear gas! We want tear gas!"

"They're pissing all over the damn place, and as you can see, they've littered it up considerably," Columbus police lieutenant Kevin Conley said. "And then they decided that they were going to surround one of our cars like they were the Indians and the car was Custer."

Or like, oh, I dunno, they were Buckeyes and the car had Michigan plates.

Also, according to the article linked above, some Toronto fans taunted Columbus fans with insults and profanity.

"You know what? Part of the sporting spirit is being antagonistic," said Andrew Gorsky, a 22-year-old Toronto fan. "You can't deny it."

Yes, I've heard that before.

But Columbus police were not amused by the -- I'm just pointing it out -- scarlet and grey (and white) clad Toronto fans.

"Any game is disappointing when you have a crowd that's not acting well or, let's say, sociable," Conley said. "We don't mind a little bit of drinking, or a little bit of fans cheering and rowdiness. But at the same time, if we come in and ask you to quiet it down and stop the behavior, we kind of expect a little bit of cooperation."

When asked to comment further on the incident, Captain Renault of the Columbus police force had this to say, "I'm shocked -- shocked -- to find that fan misbehavior is going on around here!"

Recently, MZone reader JT sent a funny bunch of pictures our way entitled "What celebrities would look like if they lived in Ohio." As you'll see below, they're great...and, naturally, dead on.

However, JT didn't know where they came from and I wanted to make sure we gave props to whoever created these gems. So I did a little investigating and found out these fantastic Photoshops were originally from a site called PlanetHiltron.com. And while the folks at PlanetHiltron.com hadn't grouped them as an "Ohio" bit, an observant PH.com reader must have noted the obvious and began emailing them around as such.

In any event, via PlanetHiltron, here are what some celebs would look like if they lived in Ohio...

Ed. Note: Apparently, some of these pix have made the rounds under various, "What celebs would look like if they lived in FILL IN THE BLANK" names. Oops. Now I feel like a stand-up comedian still doing his Nixon material. Oh well.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Below is a picture of a new restaurant that opened last month on State Street called Quickie Burger and Dogs:

Just a burger joint and a sign? Well, not to some.

According to the Michigan Daily, "the Stonewall Democrats, a lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender caucus of the University's College Democrats chapter, has taken offense with the restaurant's logo and recently began circulating a petition to sway the owners to change the logo."

They claim the picture of the woman riding the hamburger next to the word "Quickie" contributes to the "objectification of women."

Oooo...kay. And what do the owners say?

"We were thinking beef, rodeo, so instead of putting a cowboy, we just picked a cowgirl. It's a rodeo-style cowgirl riding a bull, but instead, it's a burger. It was put together to be funny and different. No offense was meant to anyone."

And no offense would be taken in 99.9 percent of the country. But you're in A2. Where I think some folks actually look for stuff to be offended by, whether warranted or not. And the sign above definitely falls in the "not" category.

Apparently, this wasn't a one night stand, folks, this was a relationship.

Now, I really think highly of my couch. And sometime my armoire just looks at me like it wants it. But so far, I've resisted those urges we all have to just let our passions run wild with the furniture. And while I've heard some guys say, in their more vulgar moments, "Gee, I'd like to bend her over the table," I've never heard -- as drunk as any of them have been -- "Gee, I'd like to bend over my picnic table."

So how did this sexual furniture predator get caught?

Police were tipped off after someone anonymously taped one of the incidents then gave it to authorities. Uh, how did that go down:

HUSBAND: Uh, Helen, you need to get over here. And bring my video camera.WIFE: I'm watching Deal or No Deal.HUSBAND: No, you need to see this. Because if somebody else doesn't, I'm not gonna believe it's happenin' myself.WIFE: What the hell is it? A UFO or somethin'?HUSBAND: Better. Art next door is fuckin' his picnic table. Again.

Even worse, I read in one of the (many) links sent my way about this story that Price is married with three kids. You think Elliot Spitzer had a lot of explaining to do? Ha! Today his wife wishes he were with a high-priced call girl. Or any girl for that matter.

ART PRICE: Honey, I have something to tell you and, well, you better sit down for this--No! Not at that table.

Yeah, that sounds pleasurable. (And you think you need a lot of lubricant when you have intercourse without foreplay.)

Finally, while we have no proof Mr. Price is a TOSU/TUOS fan, he looks like a donut thrower to me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I hear a coffee table calling my name if you know what I'm saying. And if I'm feeling really randy, maybe I'll try to get the ottoman to join in. That's right: three-way! Schwing!

Ed. Note: Before we go, I'd like to offer a small prayer of thanks to the benevolent Comedy Gods...

"Thank you, oh thank you, ever-bountiful Comedy Gods for this story. I do not deserve such abundance. I humbly knee before you -- but not like Art Price's table -- in gratitude at your comedic blessings."

Follow the MZone

Subscribe To

The MZone-slash-MichiganZone.net-slash-MichiganZone.blogspot.com is in no way affiliated with the University of Michigan and/or U-M football in any way. If you thought it was, frankly I'm surprised you know how to use a computer.