When President Obama strutted down the aisle at the State of the Union Address last night, I was wondering why his main back-up dancers, Beyonce and Oprah, weren’t sashaying behind him. But now I know why. The Empresses of the United States had something more important to do. They had to sashay down the red carpet at the premiere of Beyonce’s HBO Beyoncementary Life Is Butter Dreams in NYC.

I don’t know which one isn’t worthy enough to be in the presence of the other one? If the Queen of the World, Beyonce, is standing next to the other Queen of the World, Oprah, which one is the true reigning Queen of the World in that picture? If a diamond is shining bright like a star next to a star shining bright like a diamond, which one is shining brighter? If a 9 inch dick is lying next to another 9 inch dick in front of me, which one do I lick first? These are the questions I ask myself whenever I see Phoebe Price and Shauna Sand in the same picture. These are the questions that keep me up at night.

As Jay-Z, a face-snatched Tina Knowles and a pant-less Basement Baby (I think her wig ate her pants) got on their knees and prayed, Beyonce and Oprah created an infinite holy light by posing together for the paps at the Life Is Buttocks Cream premiere. If I look hard enough, I think I see hairs sticking out of Beyonce’s pits, but there’s no way those hairs grew out of her body. Beyonce is as naturally smooth as Gayle King’s freshly waxed taint (it’s just how O likes it). Beyonce is obviously wearing a lace front armpit wig. Yeah, I’m sure Beyonce stole that idea from a picture she saw on somebody’s Pinterest page, but when lace front armpit wigs become the must-have accessory of 2013, we’ll all have Beyonce to thank for it.

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