November Horrorscopes: Buckle up Your Seatbelts

When November hits, we all tend to have a collective need to nap or hibernate for the winter. Call it our caveperson tendencies, or too much turkey in the pipeline… Or existential dread over the upcoming holidays. Call it “Frank,” if you want. This is your world, y’know.

Whatever you call it, welcome to November, and buckle up your seatbelts. All of them. It’s a-gonna be a bumpy ass ride.

Uranus returns to Aries on November 6th, bringing that “new normal” you that has been referenced a few times (by, oh… me) back into your… Uranus. It has been a seven-of-eight-year journey back to the butt, and this is really, really the end. Wasn’t Uranus just in Taurus? Yes. This last year of the transit is a lot like a breakup, moving on and coming back for just one more kiss. That kiss forever ends on March 7, 2019. For real. Until next time. Uranus is crazy. Heh. Bottom line, all those “new you” pieces that have emerged throughout this cycle are here to stay.

On November 7th, the new moon will be in Scorpio, with added Pluto bonus. If ever there was a time when you could take that “new normal” you out for a test drive, this new moon may be it. Shake your thang, y’all. The next day, on November 8th, Jupiter returns to Sagittarius. Hail the conquering hero of Abundance! Not to get all woowoo on Uranuses, but this is THE TIME to put actions behind your words.

Jupiter loves to give you surprises, usually good ones, or relatively ironic (we’ll all look back on this one day and laugh). At its home in Sagittarius, it gets to sling its bra at the window, kick off those shit kickers at the door, and run around its own house with no pants on. Enjoy the party, pants optional.

On the 16th, Venus turns direct in Libra AND Mercury gets another backward spin in retrograde. This means you get a chance to test out your “new normal” in your relationships now that you’ve passed the test drive. Technically, you’re already doing that, but maybe you can take a step back now and watch how others are responding to you, rather than how you are responding to others, mmmmkay? Plus, if you’re a holiday shopper, this is THE WORST TIME to buy anything. Plan to make gifts this season. Pull them out of Uranus.

November 23rd is the full moon in Cancer AND Neptune turns direct in Pisces. Expect emotions, unbridled passions, and tons of plot twists.

Here are the slightly-more-specific Horrorscopes you’ve been looking for:

Aries

Darren Rhodes

Well, smack my ass and call me, “Sally!” You’ve got the best month of the 12 signs, filled with rewards, smooth talking, grease-your-hair-back strutting, and MORE! Look out for a new teacher to appear, or some new gig to fan your fire.

Aries’ November Asana: Rockstar

Taurus

Tara Stiles

The connection between love and material abundance is pretty clear for you this month. Stability returns to your world, giving you the footing you need to FINALLY move forward. Get a job, buy a car, go out for flan.

Taurus’ November Asana: Wheel

Gemini

Kathryn Budig

Gross. Love is on your side this month, in a big way. Not that cop out, unconditional self-love, either (but, okay, that’s a part of it, too). You’ll be wearing your heart on your sleeve, spouting sonnets of adoration, and receiving the sentiments back in abundance. Get a room.

Gemini’s November Asana: Dancer

Cancer

Sharon Gannon

If mundane was a double scoop of chocolate ice cream on a golden platter surrounded by puppies, then we would all look forward to work, medical appointments, and the general day-to-day blah. This month, your mundane is puppy-filled and glorious, at work and in your home. Go get ‘em… crabber!

Cancer’s November Asana: Hero

Leo

Colleen Saidman Yee

Back away from the ex. You have SO MANY reasons to find new, better, more powerful love, you don’t need to be looking backward. Retrograde, smetrograde. You’re a LEO and you don’t need those leftovers. Find yourself a new flavor and strut your struttiness. RAWR!

Leo’s November Asana: King pigeon

Virgo

Guru Jagat

Aye Chihuahua, you are on a ROLL, Virgo! All of the slugging and slogging along is turning into real progress. You know what matters most to you now, so watch how all of those pieces begin to click into place, like freaky magic. Reveal your gifts and those projects you’ve been working on to the world. We’ve been waiting.

Virgo’s November Asana: Mountain (with a winky face)

Libra

Adriene Mishler

There has been a lot of reconstruction going on behind the scenes of your world, leaving you a little off balance as you feel empty, unfulfilled, out-of-whack. That fog should begin clearing up, giving you a fresh perspective on who you are today. Pick a new mantra this month. Watch it blow up your world. You are a time bomb of abundance. Kapow!

Libra’s November Asana: Lotus

Scorpio

Bryan Kest

They say fortune favors the bold or something like that. This month, fortune favors the Scorp. You might even have a decadent secret to reveal, and now is the time to do it. Transformation takes time, dedication, and a final, foot-stomping declaration that you are transformed. Do it. Do it now.

Scorpio’s November Asana: Exalted warrior

Sagittarius

Sadie Nardini

Hey, listen. We need you to use that ginormous brain of yours for a few minutes. You have GOT to make a decision, and soon. Everything in your world is lined up for success. Job, love, money, homes, vacations, trips to Lego Land! You have to choose your adventure for it to be a true success. Stop dilly-dallying.

Sagittarius’ November Asana: Scale

Capricorn

Jill Miller (Yoga Tune Up)

There comes a time in every yogi’s life when they have to confront that which is foreign, dislikable, icky. This month, your ick is in the woowoo world. You like being snarky, in control, and stable-footed. Yak, yak, the Universe is back. Love it, learn, and let weave its wacky, cotton candy web all around your stoic self. Giggle.

Capricorn’s November Asana: Revolved crescent lunge

Aquarius

Candace Moore (YogaByCandace)

You are the poster child for friendships this month, and how those connections are driving you to new heights. Good ones, not like they’re driving you crazy. That comes later. In fact, the whole reason other people exist is to make sure your world is a vegan Shepard’s pie of awesome. Slurpity slurp slurp!

Aquarius’ November Asana: Boat pose (with a partner, duh)

Pisces

Shiva Rea

Career. Business. Work. Success. Four words that can make any Pisces swim into the current, down the drain or up the river. This month, however, you get to begin an exciting and exceptionally strange journey through those concepts. On the other side? Security. Wisdom. Fruity drinks.

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Chelsea D. Snyder (Danger is her middle name) was born in a chuckhole. Through the power of yoga, her legendary evolution into an evil, yet holistic, digital marketing mastermind will inspire even the most kale-infused disbeliever. You can find her producing anything from tie-dye socks to marketing events, with a few yoga classes in-between.

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