Dear Emuna: The ATM Parent

Help! My teenage daughter isn't interested in having a relationship with me.

My teenage daughter seems completely disinterested in having a relationship with me. She is constantly on the phone with her friends and our limited communication seems to revolve around the car keys and the credit card. I’m feeling hurt and frustrated. We used to be so close; now I seem to be seen only as an ATM machine. Is there something I am doing wrong? How can I recapture our old feelings?

-- Abandoned Mom

Dear Abandoned Mom,

I’m afraid there is nothing you can do – at least not now anyway. This is pretty typical adolescent behavior (that should at least provide some comfort!). Their friends take the place of their family for much of their teenage years. It’s their friends’ opinions that matter. It’s spending time with their friends that nourishes them. Don’t get in the way or try to block that; it will backfire.

On the other hand, you are not irrelevant (even though it may feel like that). You need to be the stable, reliable force in the background, someone they can turn to when a friendship goes sour, a relationship falls apart, a teacher doesn’t understand them. And they need to know where to find you – don’t change your values or positions.

Just be patient; this phase will pass and at the end your daughter will return to you, as long as you haven’t pushed her away. Don’t be too demanding. You can be principled but allow for some flexibility if she can make a convincing argument (she needs to feel heard). Don’t be afraid to provide structure and boundaries. She may protest but she secretly wants and desperately needs them.

Limit your expectations (i.e. be realistic). Work on your sense of humor. Be available for those (rare) moments when she actually does want to talk to you – no matter the time.

And whatever you do, do not buy her her own car or give her her own credit card. Then she’ll never speak to you!

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

As the youngest, I have constantly accepted the brunt of emotional negativity from each of my parents, stemming from conflict within themselves and between each other. I always felt like my parents "emotional garbage bag.” My happiest moments were always away from my home- with my friends or siblings. Thank God, I’ve been blessed with many other people who love and show their support for me and I’ve developed into an emotionally healthy, spiritual girl. My year away in Israel was the greatest time in my life; I loved being away from the tension. Now I’m back home and miserable. The constant tension eats away at my happiness and ability to do well in college. Even then, my parents complain that I am distant. I’m at a loss for how to handle this situation to preserve my own emotional stability.

-- Triangulated Daughter

Dear Monkey in the Middle,

I applaud you for recognizing the need to preserve your own emotional stability. And for understanding that your parents are taking out their problems on you – that it’s about them, not you. This is, unfortunately, an all-too-common dynamic in families. Parents frequently use a child as the repository of all their needs that aren’t being fulfilled through the marriage or otherwise and the child becomes the conduit for all emotional communication between the parents. This is an extremely unhealthy situation and you need to do what you can to extricate yourself from it.

I am assuming that finances and social pressure precludes you from living out of your parents’ home; otherwise, such a move would certainly ease the tension and be healthier for you. Since you mention that you have a good support system of friends and siblings, you need to continue your reliance on them. Spend as much time out of the house as possible – and spend that time with people who nurture you and give you strength. When at home, you need to ignore your parents’ complaints and retreat to your room as much as possible. That should be your oasis of security and sanity.

Friends help. Siblings help. Therapists and mentors can help. And when all else fails and you feel most alone, pull out your book of Psalms (no one had more challenges than King David!) – or use your own words – and pour out your to your one truly loving Parent.

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

We raised all our children to have a deep love for the land of Israel. We held many charitable functions in our home to raise money and support the state. We visited frequently and pushed our friends to go too. Now our oldest daughter who is married with three children has decided she wants to make aliyah. We are thrilled that our lessons have had such an impact but devastated that she is moving so far away. And taking our grandchildren with her. What should we do?

-- Hypocritical Mom

Dear Hypocritical Mom,

I don’t think you are a hypocrite. You still recognize the importance of the land of Israel. You just couldn’t have anticipated how painful it would be to have your children and grandchildren move across the globe. You are just a normal “Bubby” who loves her family and loves spending time with them.

But I’m not sure I understand your question. What should you do? What could you do? What options do you think you have? This was not and is not your decision. It is your daughter’s decision – presumably made in consultation with her husband. It is a choice they have made for their family and, quite honestly, there is nothing you can do about it.

All you can do is accept it with grace and with a smile. You don’t want your desire for closeness to end up actually damaging the relationship. You should praise their courage and offer to help shop and pack. You should be supportive in every way possible and pray for their success. You can deepen your pride in their conviction and commitment. You can take pleasure in having raised such committed children. Put on a brave face (she needs you to), do not list for them any of the disadvantages of the move, and start looking for cheap tickets to go visit.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 10

(9)
miriam,
November 30, 2011 4:21 PM

2 answers

firstly, to the post seminary girl at home: there is great book called cutting loose. it describes breaking from your parents emotionally, but in a respectful way that lets you keep a relationship while setting healthy boundaries. also, try to talk to someone who really knows bout this stuff and a rav. sometimes you may have to be "chuzpadik" in order to stay sane in your home and it helps to have a rav you can talk to.
secondly, to the grandma- skype is wonderful! with todays techonoloy you can really stay connected. make sure they have an american phoneline, internet and skype and you can talk to and see the grandkids as often as you would like.

(8)
Meira Svirsky,
November 29, 2011 1:43 PM

To Abandoned Mom

There's a great parenting book out that addresses this very problem. It's called, "Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" by Gordon Neufeld, PhD. and Gabor Mate, M.D. Read it before giving up on restoring your relationship with your teenage daughter, and offering to take her out to lunch every week doesn't hurt either. Good luck!

(7)
Bob Rabinoff,
November 28, 2011 7:23 AM

Kids moving to Israel

Take it as an excuse to visit Israel more often yourself! I'm planning on moving to Israel, and when I asked my kids if they'd come visit they all jumped at the idea. Gd bless your daughter and her family and may He keep them safe and happy there.

(6)
Anonymous,
November 28, 2011 1:53 AM

Think any decision through!!!

When I was single and in college in the year 1982, I was always involved in Jewish youth organizations and interested in making aliyah. My parents tried to discourage me from making aliyah and wanted me to finish my college education. They warned me not to make aliyah and not to marry an Israeli girl but I did not listen and did the opposite of what they said. Residing in Israel and being married to an Israeli for 28 years, I now know that my parents were absloutely right. I regretted and will always regret the decision to drop out of college and move to Israel. My marriage has been extremely difficult since the beginning of the marriage making my life miserable plus the fact that it is not so easy living in Israel aside from the fact that I have a wonderful synagogue and wonderful circle of friends in the city where I reside. Also, it is extremely difficult for parents and grandparents to be separated from their children and grandchildren. Any decision should be thought out and discussed very thoroughly before making the final move.

ben nun,
November 11, 2012 7:04 PM

Everyone has their story...

my Israeli friend actually went through the opposite and ended up stuck in America. A beautiful Israeli princess wilting in the Florida heat. The spies had great reasons for scaring people away from Israel. However, the rabbis say that it was their own issues that made them say it. Maybe you should see a therapist about your issues and not blame our beautiful promised land for them. Maybe the therapist will help you stop wallowing in a decision made 28 years ago and help you move on...

(5)
Carol,
November 27, 2011 10:08 PM

Monkey in the middle

Wonderful advice Emuna,
As this young person clearly feels her boundaries of her parenting needs are impacting on her own development, it is important that she also explains to each parent just how hard this experience is and how it impacts further on other issues in her life.
Some parents in the throws of a divorce, or its aftermath may need to be confronted directly first.
Most loving parents would want to correct the problem themselves with their child before bringing in outside helpers, which may further triangulate the situation.
I also wish to add that there are so many variables to this situation in general. IE a child's age and appropriate information, and parental responses versus a teenager or young adult, who can be grappling with their own identity, or later in the throws of establishing a permanent relationship or home when dealing with these issues and their impact.
There may be concerns that one parent has health issues and/ economic hardship which may directly or indirectly impact on the grown child. For this reason, they may feel essential to the process of helping to resolving the issues if one parent has no viable support or resources in the process.

(4)
Carol,
November 27, 2011 9:49 PM

Bridging the Gap

Emuna,
These are all such very helpful suggestions.
It also helped me with my children to find out what their main interests, sometimes of the moment, really were.
Rather than your connection be characterized by a car or an ATM card, have your time spent with each child, even if only for half an hour, sometimes, engaged in their interests, or passion of the moment.
It might be as simple as reading, seeing, and discussing her favourite topic, show, movie, regardless of your tastes.
It might be accompanying her to shop for a favourite item, or just a discussion in a new place, about the simple areas of interest, that sometimes will lead to discussing other parts of their lives.
Listen, really, listen, without initially judging or offering unsolicited opinions.
It might take a while, butat some point you should be finally on your way to bridging the dependence- independence growing gap, that usually resolves around later more settled years.

(3)
Alan S.,
November 27, 2011 9:09 PM

I agree with Ginny. The first two letters could be flip sides of the same equation. In the second letter, the author writes "as the youngest". This immediately made me think that she is experiencing the bitter fruits of the classic difficulty that parents go thru when facing the empty nest syndrome. Of course, it is difficult for any child to experience the turmoil that the parents may be exhibiting. The child needs to to have their own happiness and meaningful life, and not be an extension of the parents difficulty in finding happiness and meaning in their own life not having to do with children. Yet, the parent in the first letter -- regardless of whether he or she is facing an empty nest syndrome -- obviously misses the closeness that existed prior to the child maturing. Ms. Braverman gave excellent advice to this letter writer.

(2)
FRAN DUFF,
November 27, 2011 4:38 PM

All Part Of Being a Parent

Try to remember when you were a teen-ager. We tell them
that they are not old enough and the next minute we are telling
them to grow up. The teen years are not fun for the teen-age
and not the parent. The one thing you must remember that
you are her mother and not her mate. You will become
close again when she gets older as I have noticed with
most of my friends that have daughters. If you can look
back to your teen years you will remember you most
likely gave your mother the same as what is happening
with your own daughter. Be her parent to guide her
along the way. Hope for the very best and just be their
for her because she will always need you. Pray to
haShem to watch over her as well. Take care and G-d bless.
Things will get better as she grows old.

(1)
Ginny,
November 27, 2011 4:25 PM

2 sides of same problem?

I look at the first & second letters & wonder if they are from the same family! Your answers are so different! In the first you talk about being open, understanding, & accepting of the teenage child, while in the second you accept what could be an incorrect assessment of the parents' "problems." These could be the opposite sides of the same problem. I wonder how different your answers would be if you knew that information!

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...