Thursday, April 2, 2009

Anniversary

Today (Thursday, April 2nd) would have been my parents 32nd wedding anniversary. That's a long time to be married - especially considering that my mom just turned 50 back in October. What's even more crazy for me to think about is that they divorced after their 24th wedding anniversary - it's been a long time. I'm honestly not sure if they actually made it to the 24th anniversary, because I don't know the actual date... but right around there.

To think back on the past 8 1/2 years is a huge rush of emotion for me. Roller coaster rides are fun, but not when its one of emotion. I had such hate in me for a very long time. Sometimes I think I still struggle with that. I'm open to talking about the divorce if someone brings it up, but you will almost never hear me opening up a long intense conversation about it. It's probably the single hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I'm not okay with what happened but I am smart enough to know there is nothing I can do about it, so I deal with it.

It is, overall, a tough day for me today. I don't dwell on it, but it's always on my mind. I think of how things would be different in my life if they hadn't divorced... both good and bad. I wonder if my dad is truly happy with his life now, I wonder if he has any regrets, I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. There have been several events over the past couple years that have me completely worried about him as well as angry with him for how he has dealt with them. I have several mixed feeling towards my mother over the entire time line of events... there is just so much history that factors into their divorce. I know I harbor negative feelings for my mother because of that ... I don't know how to successfully let them go.

I know getting older generally comes with getting wiser - but a huge part of me feels I've learned so much just by going through this. I know I believe in love, because I've both given and received it... its hard, though, to still believe in a successful life with another person; marriage [not that I'm looking for it!]. People will always be faced with temptation and, in todays world, marriage doesn't seem to be taken too seriously. I don't understand that. It's hard to believe in something that I watched crumble right in front of my eyes. Life is tough ...

I'm not writing this for sympathy or anything of the sort. It's my blog and sometimes, believe it or not, I actually write for myself... you're just lucky enough to read it. I just needed to get it out.