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A23
commentary
Wednesday, March 4, 2015 www.guardian.co.tt Guardian
So the waffling about saying
something about the 50
Shades of Grey um, phe-
nomenon, hardened to a stiffish
resolve after I heard the bake and
shark woman at Maracas tell her
friend she had secured a copy of
the movie and was waiting for
Monday, because: "Is me alone
home, and I want to watch that
by mehself."
Which made me curious as to
exactly what she thought she was
going to see in 50 Shades, in
these days of free Internet porn,
anything-goes Carnival fetes and
loathsome beach "cool-downs"
which feature young girls doing
alarming things to themselves in
public, filming it and putting it
on the Internet.
Some slivers of the book s pop-
ularity slipped past my filters
over the last couple of years, but
the movie was more successful in
penetrating the consciousness.
I actually considered going to
see it even before a couple of
friends asked me to go, because
they needed someone to elbow
and snicker with. I m normally
borderline fascist on movie eti-
quette, but to watch this movie
without making snide remarks
and expletives would be like
going to a beerfest without a pis-
soir.
So, 50 Shades: a young
impressionable chick (who is
apparently over the age of con-
sent, and still a virgin---which is
the only suspension of disbelief
moment), meets 27-year-old bil-
lionaire, Mr Grey. Her innocence
beguiles him and he pursues her
in many expensive cars, with all
the suaveness and persistence of
a 16-year-old on a scooter.
Virgin-Chick is also beguiled,
and the affair begins. But there s
a twist: Mr Grey s needs are
elaborate: they involve a play-
room outfitted with leather
straps, chains, whips and hand-
cuffs. And a contract, which
involves clauses about things
which cannot be discussed in a
family newspaper.
Virgin-Chick demurs (unlike
the 15 others who signed the
contract), and Mr Grey is
inflamed and gives chase. Which
chase occasionally resembles
stalking and involves him show-
ing up uninvited at her mother s
house, and various other places.
She does not call the police,
unfortunately, and he gives her a
car.
Apart from the occasional stab
of paranoia as to whether these
actors were actual adults, and
were old enough to be doing this,
I was also struck by the tame-
ness. If you re old enough to
know what an After School Spe-
cial is, that s what it seemed like.
Mr Grey s kink isn t so much
erotic as neurotic. He confesses
that he was adopted and had
been a crack-baby, which told
the whole story, and its solution:
a little therapy, boom, mono-
chrome.
It s also worth mentioning
(because young and many old
people have no clue about these
things) that Shades is a knockoff
of a 1954 French book, The Story
of O, by Pauline Réage (the nom
de plume of Anne Desclos). O
came from a tradition of the
Marquis de Sade, and Balzac s
Comédie humaine.
Naturally, the older books are
much better, and I understand
that there are contemporary
works of erotic fiction which
handle these themes (dominance
and submission) much more sat-
isfyingly. (I recommend Balzac s
novella, The Girl with the Golden
Eyes, free for download on
Ibooks.)
So, given all that, the things
you can see on the Internet these
days, and with the term "S &
M" seeming passé, if not naïve
compared to the average rap
video, what on earth did the
shark and bake woman expect to
find in 50 Shades?
Apparently this expectation is
common to women across the
board. My two pardners who
invited me to the movie, both
over 40 (and what the British
would call "yummy mummies,")
confessed without shame that
they d read all three books, and
planned in advance to see the
movies when they came out.
But why? I have a couple of
theories. It might be a primal
chick thing.
Grey could be the woman
equivalent of the movie Taken.
Maybe they get a similar hor-
monal surge on hearing Mr Grey
say: "If you belonged to me, you
wouldn t be able to walk for a
week," that dudes get when they
listen to Liam Neeson say those
immortal words: "I don t know
who you are. I don t know what
you want. If you are looking for
ransom, I can tell you I don t
have money. But what I do have
are a very particular set of skills;
skills I have acquired over a very
long career. Skills that make me
a nightmare for people like you.
If you let my daughter go now,
that ll be the end of it. I will not
look for you, I will not pursue
you. But if you don t, I will look
for you, I will find you, and I
will kill you." Except Neeson
delivers with monster mojo; Mr
Grey sounds like a twerp.
But I actually checked this the-
ory out with a woman, who
pooh-poohed it. Why would oth-
erwise smart women follow this
nonsense through three books?
Because in the end (of the books,
not the movie,) I was told, he
completely trusts her, she wins!
And he talks to her, and listens
to her feelings, after the spanking
and whipping.
So (I m guessing) that s what
women want: to tell you about
their feelings, and for you to lis-
ten and look interested. And it
took an awful novel to bring that
to the world. The bad news is
that men would actually prefer to
be handcuffed, blindfolded and
whipped rather than listen to
feelings. (Or that might just be
me.)
I did discover a couple of things
about life in general and women
in particular squirming and
cussing through 50 Shades of
Grey, and wondering at the fum-
bling, milquetoast 20-somethings
meander through postmodern
posthuman dilemmas. Firstly, I
don t envy young people. Second-
ly, if you can fake interest in
women s feelings, you re in like
Flynn. And thirdly, women over
40 rock compared to anorexic 20-
and 30-somethings.
RAYMOND RAMCHARITAR
raymondramcharitar@hotmail.com
50 SHADES OF DISMAY