Jobs, Satan Announce Deal

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August 6, 1997: "The era of competition between good and evil is over,"
Steve Jobs told a keynote audience at MacWorld Expo today. "We have to let
go of the notion that for good to triumph, evil must perish."

In a presentation that had been anxiously awaited by the Mac community,
Jobs announced a historic deal between Apple Computer and Beelzebub,
Lord of Darkness and Supreme Ruler of the Empire of Evil.

During his short speech to a stunned crowd, Jobs said that Satan will be
purchasing $150M worth of Apple staff's souls, at the current market
price. "I have Lucifer's word that he will not use his control over
these souls to influence the direction we take in any way." Furthermore,
said Jobs, the Devil will not be able to cash in any of the immortal
souls for three whole years.

The Antichrist then addressed the room via a live link from the Pits
of Hell, and said that the Empire of Evil is committed to developing
major pestilences for the Mac platform -- including Office 98 -- for at
least the next five years. A collaboration on destroying the Sun is
also part of the deal with the Lord of Darkness.

Jobs said that Mac users should be grateful for the happiness that
an honest, widely-respected and much-loved organization like The Eternal
Pit of Torment will bring to the Mac community.

In the wake of the announcement, Apple's stock leapt 30 pieces of silver
over the previous day's high.