Positions summarize by defining the problem in a

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Unformatted text preview: too tired
Positive
to go out now?”; “Are you feeing angry?”
to
– Speak of yourself – “I’m getting tired and
Speak
irritable.”
irritable.” FIVE FORMS OF VERBAL
TRESSPASSING
TRESSPASSING
Labeling – Attributing qualities to your
partner.
partner.
– Example – “You are mean and selfish.”
Example “You
– Refrain from negative generalizing and namecalling. Speak of yourself or ask a question:
calling.
“I’m uncomfortable with the way we’re talking.
I’d like to try discussing it tomorrow. Is that
OK with you?”
OK FIVE FORMS OF VERBAL
TRESSPASSING
TRESSPASSING
Criticizing – Talking negatively about
what your partner does or has done.
what
– Example – “You leave your clothes strewn
Example
around the house.” “You put too much salt in
the soup.”
the
– Positive alternative – Use “When You…I…”
Positive
“When you leave clothes strewn around the
house, I feel agitated. I get nervous about the
clutter.”
clutter.”
– Speak of yourself – “I like less salt.”
Speak
“I FIVE FORMS OF VERBAL
TRESSPASSING
TRESSPASSING
Advising and commanding – Telling
your partner what to do.
your
– Example – “Put on a sweater, it’s cold out.”
Example
“Don’t eat that: its too fattening.
“Don’t
– Speak of your concern and/or ask a question:
Speak
“Its cold out. Do you want a sweater?”
“Would you please close the windows before
you leave?” “Do you want to eat that? Its
high in fat.”
high CONFLICT RESOLUTIONSEQUENCE
CONFLICT
Secrets to Success
EXPRESS YOUR INITIAL POSITION
EXPRESS
– Say it don’t hint
– Symmetry: did both of you express your initial
Symmetry:
positions?
positions?
– Summarize by defining the problem in a nofault, umbrella way that includes both and
fault,
blames neither.
blames CONFLICT RESOLUTIONSEQUENCE
CONFLICT
Secrets to Success
DETERMINE MUTUALLY ACCEPTABLE
DETERMINE
SOLUTIONS responsive to all concerns.
SOLUTIONS
– Create solution options by adding modifications to
Create
your original positions and by devising completely
new options.
new
– Think in terms of solution sets, taking into account all
Think
of the concerns.
of
– Summarize the plan, to be certain you both leave with
Summarize
the same understanding.
the
– Ask the final essential question: Are there any pieces
Ask
of this that still feel unfinished?
of CONFLICT RESOLUTIONSEQUENCE
CONFLICT
Secrets to Success
EXPLORE THE UNDERLYING CONCERNS –
llisting all the concerns of each of you on one
isting
joint list.
joint
– Use the four Ss if you are getting stuck!
– Are we maintaining symmetry, exploring equally both of
Are
symmetry exploring
our concerns?
our
– Are we giving long speeches or talking in short
Are
segments?
segments?
– Are we talking in generalities or specifics?
Are
specifics
– Have we put together a summary, llisting all the
Have
summary isting
concerns each of us has, as a bridge to the third step,
finding solutions?
finding END OF THIRD TEST
MATERIAL
MATERIAL COMMITMENT
COMMITMENT
PSYCHOLOGICALLY COMMITMENT
PSYCHOLOGICALLY
IMPLIES BEING RESPONSIBLE TO AND
RESPONSIBLE
FOR ANOTHER PERSON.
FOR
– COMMITTED PARTNERS DO NOT SEE
COMMITTED
THEIR PROBLEMS OR DISAGREEMENTS
AS INDICATIONS THAT THEIR
RELATIONSHIP IS OVER. THEY VIEW
THEIR RELATIONSHIP AS WORTH
KEEPING, AND THEY WORK TO KEEP IT IN
SPITE OF DIFFICULTIES – STINNETT.
SPITE MOST PEOPLE SHY AWAY FROM
COMMITMENT:
COMMITMENT:
Lack of maturity to handle it.
Usually there is a low self-esteem and
Usually
self-concept.
self-concept.
We learn to be emotionally elusive. DEFINING INTIMACY
DEFINING
Eric Erikson
The DESIRE and CAPACITY to COMMIT
The DESIRE
CAPACITY COMMIT
to CONCRETE affiliations and
CONCRETE
partnerships and to DEVELOP the ethical
DEVELOP
STRENGTH (values) to ABIDE by such
STRENGTH
ABIDE
commitments, even though they may call
for significant SACRIFICES and
SACRIFICES
COMPROMISES.
COMPROMISES. COMMITMENT: THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
BETWEEN
Men tend to believe commitment to be
Men
involved in a relationship that is fun,
provides good companionship, and
respects the freedom of each partner.
respects
Women tend to believe commitment
Women
primarily as sexual exclusiveness and
dedication to the duration of the
relationship.
relationship. FIVE CHARACTERISTICS OF
COMMITMENT
COMMITMENT
Dedication to continuing the relationship – the
Dedication
idea of working to build.
idea
Rejection of competing or alternative
Rejection
relationships – maintain primary relationships
relationships
Limitation of one’’s personal activities – conform
s
to the percei8ved social expectations for a
committed couple.
committed
Personal feelings of attachment – trust, support,
Personal
affirmation...
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