Tag: Happiness

The daylight is shrinking. As I drive home at night, it’s as if nature is slowly pushing down on the dimmer switch with each passing day.

Usually, this time of year is a drag for me. Metabolism becomes more slothful, my brain a bit foggier. Diet changes. I go from slurpy gazpacho in the summer to the thick stews that made up Buffalo’s winter cuisine. Activity level tanks. Time on the elliptical replaced by sprawling on the couch.

I guess some would call it Seasonal Affective Disorder. I hate that term. We seem to pathologize everything these days. So what if I tend to be a bit sadder, a tad more slothful. Is that a “disorder?” I think not.

Something seems better this year, however. It’s pretty clear that the more I sleep, the better I feel. Summer meant seven hours of sleep; now I’m clocking nine. I go to bed earlier, but wake up feeling fresher, and mentally sharper without the gloom of depression.

Stuck in a negative network, changing thoughts or actions is just plain hard.

“I cannot do what you suggest – I know it won’t work.”

That was Jon’s mantra as he sat in my office and said that he can never be happy. The one thing he wants – a wife and family – will never happen because fate has determined he is not going to achieve that goal. Yet most opportunities he gets to meet someone new, he believes will not work.

Why is he resisting meeting new people when someday one might be interested in him? His inability to move from one idea to another to create a change in thinking or in attitude is typical for depression. And, as in Jon’s case, it seems like it’s intentional. Or at least that’s what family and friends see when they tell their depressed loved ones to “Just do it!” It is easy to judge from the outside, but it is hard to see on the inside of a person with depression.

That stuckness is a feature of underlying neurobiology. All of us think in networks: when we start to think about a topic, we enter a network of related concepts that allows thinking to be efficient and helpful. Ideas are linked and things we need to know are easier to access when we enter a network of similar ideas, experiences, or emotions. That is why when people are trying to develop a creative solution to a problem, they brainstorm. That is, they utter or write every idea that pops into their minds about solving a problem – no matter how ridiculous it sounds on the surface – and do not assess the idea until they have a long list of options. Brainstorming is valuable because it helps us remove ourselves from the already framed network and helps create a new one.

That same efficient brain that networks and categorizes also causes a problem when depression hits. Entering a negative network that connects similar thoughts, experiences and emotions result in a depressed person linking negative networks. It promotes the discouraged outlook that is typical of depression. And, unfortunately, in depression, the ability to move to another more positive network is impaired. The weakened activity of the neurotransmitters causes “stuckness” in the pathway in the brain that allows shifting of thought and emotion.

That pathway includes a part of the brain called the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) that should allow for rapid shifting between emotion and thinking and should aid in developing creative problem-solving. But when people suffer depression, this pathway of the brain is impaired. It may be overactive – spinning in place without creating movement. Or it may be sluggish and unable pass along cognitive decisions like, “I will try something new,” to the emotional part of the brain that generates the discouraged, “I never have good results.”

Emotion rules when there is depression. The negative “It won’t work for me,” style of thinking seems to have more power than the optimistic, “Just give it a try,” method of thinking.

Sitting with Jon, I want to say, “Just do what I am suggesting!” I want him to borrow my ability to generate a new idea, but some things have to change before he can try something new. He cannot respond to “just do it” while his negative networking is making him believe that his case is different. His notions about how to act are the ones in the network of what he has typically done, which is a very negative network.

How can he get out of this?

He needs a MAP.

When you use a map – even your navigator – you have to know where you are starting and where you are going. Jon needs to know he is currently stuck and that another way just might be possible. But where is he going? He needs to believe in a reasonable solution. In our conversations, Jon is beginning to believe that his depressed thinking is a problem.

Medication might help him be less negative – it can correct the neurotransmitter problems that cause the sluggish or overactive pathway to prevent new ideas. (Supplements and nutrition and sunlight can also help!) Next, he needs to redefine his goal. If marriage to exactly the right person is the only thing that will make him happy, then I cannot help him. He needs a matchmaker and a lot of money for that. If he wants to redefine what a happy life looks like to him, therapy can guide him. But once he can see the need for help to navigate his goal of a happy life, he needs to find a map. This map will need to take him toward feeling better and developing a more flexible, creative way of thinking. If he can get out of the negative network he will be more able to generate new actions and take charge of his discouraged mood.

MAP – Move, Ask, Play

M – (You may want to consider medication as the first M and then go to this one)

Jon needs to move. Literally, move his body. The stuck brain finds it easier to shift gears when the physical body is moving. Walking, swimming, bike riding can all be good. Try movement without earbuds pumping music. The creative brain will take over and just might jump the tracks of negativity while you move. And vigorous exercise has a way of pumping up energy that lightens depression.

A – Ask for input. When we brainstorm it works better if we have more than one person adding ideas. We spur each other into different networks. Jon might benefit if he shares his challenge of being stuck with a friend or three. And it will be good for him to ask people what gives them happiness or satisfaction. He might hear that there are many ways to be content.

P – Play around with different options. Jon does not have to commit to an idea of what is fun or pleasurable or satisfying. He would benefit from playing with the children in his life whose joy is infectious. Play sports or games. Playing stimulates different networks and may result in some changes in his mood or thoughts that may help him be less depressed.

There is a saying that life is a journey, not a destination. I do not know Jon’s ultimate destination, nor does he. The outcome of this MAP will help him find a better, more creative, and less depressed way of living his life.

By Margaret Wehrenberg, Psy.D. Margaret is the author of 5 books published by W.W. Norton, includingThe 10 Best Ever Anxiety ManagementTechniques, The 10 Best Ever Depression Management Techniques and her most recent 10 Best Anxiety Busters, an ideal book for the general public. She earned her M.A. studying psychodrama and bioenergetics, and had years of experience as a certified drug and alcoholism counselor, before earning her Psy.D. She now specializes in treating anxiety and depression and has a private practice in Naperville, IL. She is a frequent contributor of articles to The Psychotherapy Networker magazine, has contributed a chapter to Clinical Pearls of Wisdom (Ed. M. Kerman), and has produced CD for breathing, muscle relaxation and imagery for anxiety management.

If you asked any one of us, we would say that top on our list of what we want is to feel better. But what is “better”? To most, it means that the symptoms of depression have gone away. However, just the absence of symptoms is not enough to feel well. Being well is not only freedom from the episodes of a mood disorder or depression symptoms. It’s an ongoing process that includes participating in the world around you, being in control of your life, having a sense of personal growth and relationships that matter. It means that you have a sense of competence and mastery in the things you do in your life and that you feel good about who you are. How do you get there?

There is an interesting professional article by C.D. Ryff from the University of Wisconsin-Madison (2014) that discusses psychological well-being. In the past psychologists thought of well-being as happiness, satisfaction with life, and a positive affect (similar to mood). Thinking about well-being in deeper terms, Ryff describes the essential features of well-being which I will summarize for you here.

What are the components of well-being? First is having a purpose in life, where you feel your life has meaning, purpose, and direction. You might find this as a working or volunteer person, student, parent, or whatever it is that guides you. It’s something that’s easy to forget when we are depressed, so you do have to work on it. Next is whether you are living a life based on your own personal convictions, beliefs, opinions, and principles. You are free to make decisions for yourself (that is called autonomy). For example, if you are an adult, do you feel controlled by another person? The third feature of well-being is making use of your personal talents and potential, called personal growth. This could be in your work, school, volunteering, or family life. Another feature is how well you are managing your life situations, the ups, and downs of daily life called mastering your environment. We all have fluctuations: the key is how we learn to deal with them.

The fifth feature of well-being is in having positive relationships, with deep ties to others. It could be with friends or family members, just as long as you have close personal connections. That is very important to maintaining your mental health balance and definitely helps with depression, a time when isolation can occur. The last is self-acceptance, which means having knowledge and acceptance of who you are, including your own personal limitations. Nobody’s perfect – we all have our strengths and weaknesses and do better when we learn to accept and work with them.

This list must seem daunting! How in the world can I be well if I have to achieve all of these things that are difficult for anyone to do, let alone someone with a mood disorder? Good question! It’s not the kind of thing that happens overnight; it takes a lot of time and effort on your part. And you don’t have to master them all, certainly not all at once. Begin by having a conversation with your therapist about this and try to identify one or two areas in your life from this list that you want to work on. Then put those two areas into a clearly stated goal. Having a goal set in this way helps you to achieve the kind of life you want. Understand what you have going for you that will help you, such as your strengths, and what you might have to change about yourself and your world to reach this goal. Try to identify how you personally impact the situation and potentially get in the way of reaching your goal. Is it negative thoughts you may have? Are there barriers that exist to achieve your goal? Find a way to work around them. Make a list of the first 3-5 steps to reach your goal. Stay focused on the goal and not how difficult it is. Care for yourself as you work to achieve it.

For example, your goal might be a purpose in life and personal growth as a musician. You might state it as “I want to improve my skills as a musician and get more professional gigs. That will make me feel good about myself, bring people pleasure, and earn some money to support myself.” You might then identify that you are not always consistent with practice time, and feel shy about going out and promoting your musical performance. Neighbors might complain about hearing you practice. Thinking about it, you may identify one or two negative thoughts you have about your skills (I’m not very good” or “Nobody will hire me”) that are behind these behaviors. Use CBT to challenge those negative thoughts and behaviors and replace them with more realistic thoughts. Then think of your strengths, of past successes you have had in this area, and use these to boost your confidence.

Next make a to-do list of what steps you might take to make this happen, and who can help support you in this. That might include: set aside a specific practice time and place each day; take a music lesson(s); make a CD of your performance and bring it around to a few places where you want to perform; put a small sample of your music on social media to attract audience members , such as YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter; make attractive posters to promote your skills and performance dates; put the posters on social media and hang them up in a few select areas around your town announcing your performances and availability. It’s a lot to do when depressed; have a friend help you. Do these one-at-a-time, so you don’t get overwhelmed. It is possible and realistic for those of us who have depression to expect wellness.

By Susan J. Noonan, MD, MPH.

Susan is a graduate of Mount Holyoke College, Tufts University School of Medicine, and the Harvard School of Public Health. She is a long-term patient and the author of two books on managing depression, Managing Your Depression; What You Can Do To Feel Better, and When Someone You Know Has Depression: Words to Say and Things to Do, with a companion website and blog. She is also a mental health Certified Peer Specialist, counseling fellow persons with mental illness. In these ways, she bridges that space between recipient and provider of healthcare services. This blog was previously posted, in modified form, on website www.susannoonanmd.com.

Lawyer Monica Zent writes in The Huffington Post, “Associate attorneys may have the highest salaries but, in a recent survey, they were rated as having the “least happy” jobs, perhaps because of the long hours and lack of work/life balance. Greater “balance,” however, might not be the answer. According to Wharton Professor Stewart D. Friedman, ‘A commitment to better ‘work/life balance’ isn’t the solution… A more realistic and more gratifying goal is better integration between work and the rest of life…’ As boundaries between work and home continue to blur and work/life balance becomes increasingly elusive, the future lies in integrating career and life in a more seamless, less structured way”. Read the rest of her article.

“I’m trying to get comfortable with the idea that I am a human BEING not DOING, and that being a child of God is enough. With therapy and lots of soul searching, I am digging inside for the strength that lies at my core — naked, unassociated with any accolade or achievement,” writes Therese Borchard. Read her Blog

The day was surreal — not for me, but for my brother, who welcomed his first child into the world at 2:34 p.m.

Immediately after the baby was delivered she began experiencing respiratory distress, and at 2:35 p.m. the doctors and nurses whisked the newborn to the hospital’s neo-natal intensive care unit (NICU). At 2:37 p.m. — while standing in the NICU praying that his baby would hang on — the new father received a call on his cell phone from opposing counsel in a case halfway across the country, where a two-week trial was scheduled to begin in ten days.

This wasn’t just any old case — a seven-year old child with profound disabilities had been raped on a special needs school bus by a twenty-year old serial predator assigned to ride the same bus. The point of the trial was to determine what steps (if any) the school district was required to take to ensure that something like this wouldn’t happen again.

From 2:38 to 3:00, my brother negotiated a settlement in the NICU. To hear him tell it:

“With one hand, I was pressing the phone so hard to my ear that it left an indentation for a week. With my other hand, I was cupping the receiver as tightly as I physically could, so that the lawyer I was speaking with couldn’t hear the instructions the physicians were shouting to the attending nurses. If he had caught wind of the fact that I was standing in the NICU with my new baby, I would have lost any leverage to settle the case, and we almost certainly would have gone to trial. Thankfully, by the way, my wife has no memory of any of this.”

By 3:15 p.m., my niece began to breathe normally. Seven days later, my brother and his counterpart signed a settlement agreement that, among many other things, required the school district to place paid adult bus monitors on all special needs school buses.

I had not yet gone to law school when all this happened, and I recall being extraordinarily impressed with my brother. But now, I realize that almost every lawyer has at least one story like this. The simple fact is that lawyers experience tremendous stress from their vocation. Indeed, the practice of law is riddled with psychological land mines — tight deadlines, job insecurity, career dissatisfaction, pressure to achieve status (e.g, make partner), becoming emotionally invested in cases that may end unsuccessfully, feeling real fear of being chewed out for or embarrassed by a small error — to name just a few.

We experience such severe stress, and have such little discretionary time to address it, that it almost feels natural to reach for expedient but unhealthy solutions to life’s miseries (alcohol, prescription and non-prescription drugs, overly intensive exercise) that mask our problems instead of addressing them.

A group of Princeton graduates is building a valuable tool — called Happy — to help people like lawyers cope with stress and burnout in a healthier way that enables greater personal fulfillment and peace of mind. Their big idea is that a short conversation with a compassionate listener can quickly restore perspective and significantly boost a person’s happiness and health. Happy will soon be an on-demand app that connects callers to everyday people — lawyers, baristas, musicians, teachers, nurses, retirees, etc. — who have proven themselves to be exceptionally empathetic and highly effective. Happy is developing a community of these ‘happiness givers’ who are eager to hear your story, and help you in unexpected ways to find and experience the real happiness that is well within your grasp.

For now you can arrange a free conversation at one of the following links:

From The Anxious Lawyer website, “Unfortunately, for all too many people, and particularly for all too many lawyers, the holiday season is a time filled with sadness, self-reflection, loneliness and anxiety. It is a season that comes with a “holiday depression” of its own which can affect anyone, whether it be due to time pressures, family issues, financial worries, memories of past holidays or just loneliness.” Read the Blog

Blogger Therese Sibon writes: “Depression is a powerful energy lodged in your body. It can control your thoughts, moods and actions. It can control your life. Yet you are the one holding this energy. That takes effort and stamina. As depression threatens your existence, can you actually use it to enhance your life?” Read the Blog

From The New York Times, Diana Spechler writes, “My depression habits include avoiding pain and courting diversion. During every bout of depression, I grasp – at yoga, therapy, medication, romance – and hope that my tiny firefly of pleasure won’t wriggle from the cup of my palms.” Read the News