It isn't easy being a cat. For one thing, sometimes you get turned into a dog …

The instructions underneath VVVVVV creator Terry Cavanagh's new browser-based MMO ChatChat simply read: "be a cat." These instructions also describe a dream I held between the ages of 5 and 7, so I'm eager to finally see if my dreams were realistic. Below is a short, diary-style description of my first hour as a cat.

Warning: The following story contains major spoilers for what it's like to be a cat. If you don't want to know what it's like being a cat before you are actually a cat yourself, stop reading now.

0:00 I change my name from the default "Kitty41" to the ever-so-clever "KittyKyle." I pointedly (and wisely, I think) stay away from the "irapecats_room" server and head to the more optimistically named "CATTOTHEFUTURE," which has five members.

0:02 I'm a pixelated white cat standing outside a pink house with a yellow door. A dog, ironically named NyanCat, sleeps on the stoop.

0:04 As I wander around the stoop examining pixelated bushes and shrubs, I keep seeing messages about other cats entering and leaving the house. I now have my first self-imposed goal: Get into the house!

0:05 In wandering through some nearby forests and brick-lined tunnels, I learn about my special vocal talents, which include /meow, /purr and /screech, each with accompanying own sound effects coming through the speakers.

0:07 I spend a couple of minutes repeatedly stepping on a tile to rebroadcast the message "Meet me in the alley" to the entire server. It must be important if there's a button for it, right? Also, so far it's pretty lonely being a cat. Everyone else is asleep.

0:08 A dog named "KXDILKX" walks in and bites me, turning me into a dog. OH THE SHAME! I try to ask him/her/it how he/she/it could be so cruel, but my words come out as "woof woof woof" in the chat window. A new secondary goal... return to my natural state of cathood!

0:10 As a dog I can /pant and /howl. Neither are nearly as cute as /meowing, though. Sorry. My goal to return to cathood remains.

0:11 I now have my third goal: trying to open the huge treasure chest I've just stumbled across. It might not be possible, but it'd be a little cruel to taunt players with an unopenable chest, wouldn't it?

0:12 I find a mouse and drop it off at the doorstep of the house. Apparently this proves I'm a cat at heart, because I'm magically transformed back into my natural form. Huzzah!

0:14 I stumble upon my first awake companion, named "HiyaKitty." I say hiya and she (?) answers back, "Hello KittyKyle." Our deep spiritual connection is palpable. She agrees to help me on my epic quest to get into the house.

0:17 After some aimless wandering, HiyaKitty notices an update note under the game window that mentions a "mysterious tree has appeared in the forest." LET'S GO!

0:19 I've found the mysterious tree, but lost my partner as I wandered through the forest. All my achievements mean nothing without someone to share them with. I double back and let out a resounding "FOLLOW ME!"

0:21 Climbing the tree gets us to a secluded glen. "This is a peaceful place. No dogs allowed," says an in-game mesage. I try to meow at a stationary cat named Meow, but get no response.

0:22 Hiyakitty tells me she hasn't seen any dogs yet. Oh you pure, unspoiled creature. I can't bear to break the spell and tell her how the world really works. I hope she never has to suffer the indignity of being a dog herself, a pain I know all too well.

0:24 HiyaKitty and I return to the chest and discuss potential methods for getting inside it, since we both agree that making it impossible to open would be just unforgivable.

0:26 We both try offering a mouse to the chest, in hopes that it will open, but the game is much too realistic for something like that to work.

0:29 After trying a bunch of possible commands like /scratch, /claw and /opentreasure, I come up with a brilliant plan. Typing "/me opens the treasure chest" broadcasts a message that I have, indeed, opened the treasure chest. I follow up with a series of messages about finding a collar inside the chest, and having that collar raise attributes like strength, endurance and intelligence. This is what the game has reduced me to. Kitty trolling.

0:31 If HiyaKitty is fooled by my messages she gives no indication. She explains she had to take a phone call in the real world. As if that's more important than being a cat. She takes a /nap to show she's unavailable and I decide to join her.

0:35 I try to simulate the experience of being a napping cat by simply staring at the screen and going into a fugue state, but I find I'm much too wired to simulate real napping. I'm constantly switching to Twitter, e-mail and my RSS feeds while my avatar slumbers peacefully. I'm horrible at being a cat.

0:40 As I write this, a server somewhere is working to create a tiny virtual world in which absolutely nothing is happening save for five cats sleeping. I just thought I'd point that out.

0:44 As I continue to sleep, two people have entered the game and promptly left within a minute. I can't believe our rich, detailed world of five sleeping cats didn't draw them in further.

0:47 Scrolling down to the comments below the game, I find someone has revealed the existence of hidden rooms in two corners of the tiny world. I decide that napping is boring, and cheating is much more interesting, so I move on.

0:50 A visit to the hidden Dogshrine has converted me into a dog yet again.

0:52 Back in the treasure room, I give a bite to a cat named "Kittyman," transferring the doggishness from me to him. We trade it back and forth a few times, until he decides to bite the still sleeping and innocent HiyaKitty, turning her into a dog! So it's true: a game can make you cry.

0:57 HiyaKitty awakens. I apologize profusely for indirectly causing her canine metamorphosis, but the only response I receive is "woof woof."

I sadly close the game window.

Kyle Orland
Kyle is the Senior Gaming Editor at Ars Technica, specializing in video game hardware and software. He has journalism and computer science degrees from University of Maryland. He is based in the Washington, DC area. Emailkyle.orland@arstechnica.com//Twitter@KyleOrl