diamond geezer

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Sorry to goonabout PR emails again, but you can blame the Daily Mail this time. They've just published a list of "the best websites for exploring London Town", and were kind enough to include diamond geezer in their top ten. It's not a definitive list of the capital's greatest, else (as one commenter notes) Spitalfields Life would have been included. And it's not brought many readers here, because the list's not on any prominent menu page or cellulite-packed sidebar. But it has brought a new tranche of marketeers out of the woodwork, seeking fresh blood to promote their services, and their pleadings have been pinging into my inbox.

Here's one of the promotional emails I was sent yesterday, entitled Apologies in advance :(. I'd like to rate it publicly as one of the ghastliest attempts at PR outreach I've ever received. Well done Heather.

Hello Diamond Geezer
Oh no it's another damned pitch!

I suspect Heather was trying to get in first with the self-deprecation in the hope of winning me over to her side. Unfortunately her opening line fell flat, and had me thinking "Oh no it's another damned pitch!" all the way through what follows.

I do apologise but I'm going to have to send it anyway because it's my job. :)

Oh Heather. Your job is to send pitches to people who might actually be interested. If you click on the email link in my sidebar you get a message which says "Marketing emails not welcome, thanks" and yes Heather, that includes you.

My name is Heather - don't panic - you don't know me!

That's quite a relief, to be honest. And I'd like to keep it that way.

I work on behalf of a wee company called <insert name of fancy dress company>

Heather's agency also works on behalf of Channel 4 and IBM, but I end up with spam on behalf of a shop that hires out clown costumes.

and I have a little something which may be of interest to you - let me cut to the chase...

I wish you would, Heather, I wish you would.

In time for Sunday's London Marathon we have designed a fun infographic...

Ah, it's the dreaded "infographic" pitch. Bloggers of little inspiration lap up these wodges of fake content because they fill a lot of space with colourful pixiedust for minimal effort. They don't care if there's a brand name at the bottom, indeed given a little nudge they'll probably reciprocate with a little click-through linklove into the bargain. But there will be no sponsored infographics here.

...which looks at the amazing runners who have taken part in fancy dress (and often for great charitable causes). It includes a few stats and some charming facts. If you thought running 26.2 miles wasn't hard enough then you should check out the guy who ran it dressed as the Blackpool Tower!

I found Heather's infographic posted on ablog about running. Imagine a set of Top Trumps with cartoon drawings, plus some cut and paste facts, and you'll get some measure of precisely what you're missing. Nothing much.

In fact, do you know who ran the event and holds the record for the world's fastest fruit?

No I don't, Heather. Neither do I care. Although I checked, and to be precise the record was for "Fastest MarathonDressed as a Piece of Fruit", which sounds like just the kind of trashy pseudo-achievement they pad out the Guinness Book of Records with these days.

If I've tempted you in with fruit and British seaside attractions and you'd would like to take a look, please do get in touch and I will send it right over.

Heather doesn't provide her infographic up front, oh no. She requires engagement, hopefully leading to brand discussion and a longer-term client-facilitator relationship.

I hope this in-bread cat will charm you into submission. ;)

And at this point Heather inserted a photo of a cat with a slice of bread around its head. No, honestly, she did. She was hoping I'd go ROFL lols, but instead I went WTF sheesh. Appropriately enough the Daily Mail can provide all you kitten lovers with a flavour of this online meme (which fizzled out over twelve months ago). But honestly, what is PR stooping to these days?

I await your profanity filled response.
Best regards,
Heather

You don't get a profanity filled response, Heather. Instead I offer ridicule.

So let me again remind PR folk and advertisers not to bother sending me stuff. If you send me an email about an event, a campaign, a website or whatever, I can guarantee I won't promote it. Please, don't waste your time on me, go render positive your publicity machine somewhere else instead.