Kitten-related human fatalities

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Kittens are the deadliest of all animals. Of any animal, wild or domestic, they are the ones who have killed the most humans. While many kitten-related deaths are due to huffing, most are just because you sat in its special spot on the couch and pissed the damn thing off.

NOTE: A distinction should here be made between deadly and evil. Cats are not particularly evil, just very deadly. Bunnies, however... well... let's just say you'd do better describing evil in terms of bunnies than vice-versa.

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Contrary to popular opinion, cats cannot see in the dark. They just know where you are.

They lurk in the darkness. They pounce with a deadly efficiency. They shit in your flowergarden. They're kittens and they're out to take you down, fool. Do not be fooled by their cute appearance [1]. They know what they're doing, and they're plotting out every step towards your demise[2]. I may be paranoid, but paranoids are just people with all the facts[3]. They're EVERYWHERE. I ain't playing, fool[4].

In 1976, an ironic turn of events saw five kitten-incurred deaths at a PETA rally entitled "Kittens Are Our Friends."

In 1977, Elvis "The King" Presley dies from a tragic incident involving kitten huffing. Official reports state that paramedics administered Mr. Presley cocaine intravenously in an attempt to counter the effects his failed attempt at huffing the kitten. Sources close to the investigation allege that he was huffing the wrong end of the kitten. Anonymous sources have alleged that Osama bin Cuddles, leader of the terrorist group al-Qitty that avenges kitten huffing, offered Mr. Presley his last kitten. This may have been because of jealousy over a lover Mr. Presley and bin Cuddles shared: King Kong.

Kitten hurling battles are one of the most common sources of kitten-related human fatalities. The most famous of these was when noted kitten hurler Lord Voldemort used his knowledge of mechanical kitten augmentation to turn the kitten into a gun, with which he shot his opponent right between the eyes. Some critics claim that this wasn't exactly a kitten related death, but they forget that the gun was a kitten to begin with, even if it wasn't when it killed Bob the Builder, the other hurler.

At some point, aliens from Neptune had decided to find some kittens after a native species of an animal similar to a kitten called a "methane prone goat" by Earthicans went extinct. After several years of training the Earthican kittens to be like the Neptunian ones, the kittens had hated the Neptunian culture and took over a factory for pants, with 19 leg holes, all of varied lengths and shut down the Neptunian pants industry, causing huge genocides on Neptune, with refugees fleeing to planets such as Caamas, Honoghr, and Embermclene.

The best defense against kittens is abstinence. Be smart! Your safest bet is to avoid risky activities like participating in unprotected Kitten hurling battles or sharing kittens while kitten huffing. Never share needles or straws.

If you absolutely must be around kittens, please take the following safety precautions.