Anonymous said...Only hipsters believe in those bike chain seat leashes. A 2$ flathead screwdriver and one good torque = bye bye saddle&post and silly illusions. Ppl and their bullshit they believeMarch 26, 2014 at 2:13 AM
I think my favorite thing about the Internet is that something as simple as putting a chain on your saddle can work people up into Ignatius P. Reilly levels of indignation and disgust. Hey, we all know there's no defense against an expertly-wielded screwdriver. In the right hands, a screwdriver is all it takes to steal a luxury automobile, hijack a commercial airliner, or become a prison kingpin. Still, which is the sillier illusion? That the chain is going to keep someone from stealing my saddle, or that someone would even want the filthy thing enough to bother? Here it is in all its worn, ass sweat-stained glory:

(This is what backpacks do to saddle noses, and what a hot crotch does to leather and foam.)

Perhaps I take too favorable a view of humanity, but I'm fairly confident that, between the sorry condition of this lump and the added inconvenience of having to pry open a chain to get it, 99.9% of the population is going to pass this by--though I admit that, together with the brand-name seatpost, it could present a temptation too difficult to resist:

("Wait, is that a Nashbar seatpost? Fetch me the angle grinder!")

Actually, you don't even need to undo the chain to get the seatpost. Technically. But yeah, I think it's enough to keep people honest, and if someone really wants this crappy frumunda perch that badly they can go ahead and take it. I've got boxes of this shit at home. (Though I'd be annoyed if they took the seatpost clamp too. That's crossing the line.)

As for the bit about "hipsters," if this is some sort of new hipster affectation that's news to me. I've never seen a "hipster" use the chain trick, and in fact I don't think there are even any hipsters left in New York. They all seem to have either graduated to full-fledged yuppies, or else they've been priced out by their peers and forced to move to other, less competitive cities. Meanwhile, I don't even know if they've come up with a name for the latest wave of young white transplant aspirants yet. They're definitely not the hipsters of ten years ago. I think they're "normcore" or something. Who even knows at this point? At any rate, I can assure you none of them are chaining their saddles to their bikes. In fact, I'm pretty sure the normcore set is into Halfbikes now:

I actually forwarded that to the "inventors" of the Halfbike, and I have yet to receive a reply.

Speaking of emails, here's one I got just a few minutes ago:

Hello,We are interested in advertising on your websites. We just launched a new product calledNo Bush Lotion. You can see it at http://www.kingsupplements.com/nobush.html.The product helps reduce the appearance of body hair and is marketedtowards athletes of all kind. If you would like to make more money with your blog please contact me and we can work out a deal.
Intrigued, I followed the link, and thus entered the strange world of pubic hair minimizer cream for men:

I'll have you know that I have received no remuneration from No Bush. In fact, I haven't even replied to the email. Hey, I'm the kind of sucker who chains his saddle to his bike, right? Similarly, if it involves both cycling and pubes, you can be fairly sure I'm going to mention it for free.

By the way, No Bush Lotion was not tested on bunny rabbits, nor did any of the bunny rabbits it wasn't tested on develop any malignant tumors. (At least, I'm assuming that's the case, since it doesn't say otherwise on the No Bush website.) So you can stop with your spurious accusations.

In your d-fense Snob, if your seat is chained and the guy next to you has failed to chain his seat, I would suspect even the most deft of screwdriver wielding saddle and post thieves would take the lower hanging fruit.

CD: I think what he's trying to say is, when he comes to a stop at a light, he stands in front of the saddle while he waits. That's then the base of the back pack rubs the nose of the saddle - while he's straddling the bike in front of it.

--A guy rode past me with his spokes and rims all shiny and I realized my bike hasn't been clean since last fall.

--The city (Chicago) is getting the bridges over the river in shape for spring, which means blocking each one off for an hour or two to test them. Drivers forced to detour instantly forget how to drive and instead ooze forward bumper to bumper, ignoring signals, signs and crosswalks. Luckily it's too slow to be mayhem, but Jesus, it's like Critical Mass on four wheels.

Hain't y'all ever heard of "en pointe"? I've set my seat height based on the heels-on-pedals-pedal-backwards-just-barely-keeping-contact method, and I can hold the bike up at a stop just fine with tippy-toes.

Pay no mind Babs. Keep it cuming even though the detractors cum at you with hard criticism. Know that many a perv enjoys your implied sluttiness even though you're not a slut. Just a woman that likes to fuck and suck and pedal. With small tits. Hey thats ok.

Snob, the anon poster has it ass-backwards. The only stupid thing you did was waste your time chaining that sorry excuse for a saddle to your bike. Unless someone's dumb enough to want to steal it - then your biggest problem is you pay big $$$ to live in an overpriced city in which that can happen. Seriously, even if someone stole my saddle, I would ride home half-bike style before I even considered touching that abomination.

I have a genius idea for an elegant foolproof saddle/post security system that would make me rich beyond the dreams of avarice if I could be arsed to put it on kickstarter.

Instead, in an extraordinarily humanitarian act, I set it loose in the public domain through this blog.

First, you get yourself a length of that thin security cable they use to lock computers.

Then you thread it around the rails or preferably something hidden on the underside of the saddle and clamp it with one of those fancy clamp things they use to clamp two bits of wire together. Ideally, when fitted, the cable would be unaccessable to cutting devices.

The other end of the cable is snaked down through the post and at the appropriate length, another of those fancy clamps is used to form a smallish loop at the cable's end.

Next, you feed the looped, dangling end of the cable into the bicycle frame's seat tube and (here's the best bit) you get yourself an extra long bottle cage bolt that reaches all the way across to the other side of the seat tube.

You then fix this extra long bolt in the normal way, but ensuring the bolt goes through the aforementioned dangling cable loop inside the seat tube thus securing your saddle and post in one fell swoop.

A putative saddle and/or post thief could still unbolt the seat and/or post, but when they tried to make off with the booty, the booty would, for seemingly inexplicable reasons, not detach. This would result in delightfully comical scenes at the expense of the thief who would quickly depart, leaving your saddle and/or post behind to spare themselves further embarrassment.

If at any point you need to do any drilling, cutting, welding, modifying etc to any part of your bike, go ahead and do it. It'll be fine.

Wildcat, I second you're response to SmartArse industries. I had said system back in the nineties. I bought the bike used and it came with said system. And just because I like the way it sounds, I bid all adieu with...said system!

Years back, I remember hearing a story about some explorer type exploring regions of Africa that had never come into contact with the western, industrialised world.

One night around the campfire, a young member of the tribe produced a "toy" he had made. It was a lidded tin can attached to a string and with holes punched into its side at the top end. This lad had used nails to make the holes at just the right angle.

An amount of water would be placed in the can, the lid put back on and the whole thing held over the fire. The water would boil and steam would spit out of the angled holes causing the entire can to spectacularly spin.

This kid thought he'd made a toy, but without any knowledge of the outside world, what he'd actually done was invent the steam engine!

Like this African genius, I have no knowledge of technologies which may have preceded my brainstorm, so I'll be disregarding the dispiriting news in your posts and claim the idea as my own.

Time for the 'BSNYC World's Most Ugly Saddle Contest'. I've seen some pretty horrific specimens in my time though Wildcat has a pretty butt ugly one, or is that one pretty ugly butt. Anyway, if that's the case then they're a perfect match. My work here is done.

Norway has a bike lift because it's too much trouble to pedal up the hill. http://gizmodo.com/this-super-clever-lift-assists-cyclists-up-steep-city-h-1552142855(sorry about the long link but I use my not so intelligent mobile communication device to view Snobs natterings)

Kudos to Mikeweb for catching it first, but that Ignatius-check was nothing short of sublime. Close second in my personal Snobatorium to the row of ducklings on a pond, in the mock commentary on one of those years Big George failed to show up on the sharp end of P-R...

"CD: if you can stay on your saddle at stops, doesn't that mean your saddle is too low?"------------------------------------

No, the opposite is usually true. Like CD, I can put my toes down while on the saddle, too. I set my height using the old Italian CONI book (which advocates heel-on pedal). That book is a one-stop shop for curing awkward road bike fit.

Dear Bikesnob,a suggestion for securing saddle and seatpost (seat clamp needs to be fixed with an Allen screw): get a soldering iron and put a drop of tin in each screw of saddle and seatpost. It's obviously unpractical for readjusting or changing the saddle but how often does one do that anyways?Regards,Damian

2-- If your beike is making a clickingticking from the crankish area ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS check the pedals first and foremost even though you did it before and it NEVER WAS before disassembling and re-whatevering the bottom bracket. Twice.

Right? What I wonder is why he hasn't replaced that unfortunate specimen with something from the parts bin.

Backpacks. I don't miss them. Last summer I got into the habit of leaning on the post beside me when I got to the intersection so I didn't have to unclip from the pedals. Now I do it on the Electra, too.

You got the approximate time of accident, you got the location, now all you have to do is see who was in that area at that time. Plus CHP can match those owners up with car registration and insurance data, if any. They are probably already on it.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!