Unregistered, as a new member your first 5 posts will be subject to moderation.
So if your post is submitted successfully, but does not show up immediately, please be patient, as it may take some time for a moderator to approve it.
Please don't double post.

And for anyone who has been a secondary (hate the word btw) how does being a secret make you feel?

I am a secondary in a budding relationship (2 months) and we're not out. The other day my boyfriend and I were at Walmart shopping when one of his OSO's friends saw us and quite loudly asked what he was doing on this side of town.

He stumbled.

I'm a fan of authenticity and living your life on your own terms. To me, if we are choosing to live like this, we should be able to do it out in the open.

We've had many conversations about what would happen if we are in the same place with overlapping friends.

For now, everything is cool. It's a delicate balance. However, I am not willing to live like this forever. Quite frankly, I don't think I could live like this for more than a year.

The only reason it is acceptable to me now is because we are still "dating" in my mind. We aren't committed. I'm not seeing anyone else, but I'm still feeling it out.

I should add that this is my first poly relationship, and that I prefer monogamy for myself.

I could cope with it when dating but no, I could not do it in a committed relationship either. Being open is a fundamental need I have and to be honest, I have gone through the pain, hassle and stress about coming out to my family, I don't see why any other independent adult should avoid it just because it will cause them stress and hassle....

I'm noticing a common trend in your posts, francesca: the feeling of "francesca knows best for others". I only point this out because you've professed to being "overly analytical and logical", and it's easy to attempt to dictate how others' should feel or think because you've thought it out, so it must be so for others, right? Believe me. That's a hard lesson to learn for us types.

In this post, you say that "you don't want to discard her feelings, but she is discarding her own." What makes you think you can make that judgment? The same thing applies with statements like:

Quote:

I just can't see her being truly happy living like that.

Not your call to make.

and

Quote:

MD shouldn't have to pretend she's single.

She doesn't "pretend". She's living it. She's made that decision, making and reaffirming that decision constantly, day by day, of her own accord, as a grown woman.

It baffles me that you list several compelling reasons why this relationship really ought to be kept under wraps (the least of which is that she has made her stance crystal clear on this regard), yet the entirety of the last part of your post asks about "what the secondary might feel" or "did it eventually make you want to leave?", as if she know not what she do-eth. Like you're confusing what SHE wants and what you know in-your-heart-of-hearts that she wants.

She made her decision. So now, you're the one with the decision to make in response. Be empathetic. Look at it from her point of view. Coming out as poly is a life-changer. You only met her a year ago, been dating for what, five months? Yes, I get that you want the relationship to "last". Yes, I get that you don't want to "keep this a secret forever" (emphasis mine). Don't you think it's a little premature to have this conversation about being out to everyone? Be the big girl; give yourselves time. If your communication is as open and wonderful as you say it is, and this is truly bothering you and ohmigod it needs to be addressed NOW, sit everyone down and say your piece. Then table the issue with a clear end date and the intent to revisit it again after everyone ruminates. You'll then have made everyone aware of your stance, then it's their turn to make their decision. And the circle continues. If she wants to come around, she will. But she has to make that decision, not you.

Scissors-thank you! For real, this is the kind of feedback I'm looking for and I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

It is so important for me to remind myself tht MD is here because she wants to be here. She did say today that she was happy, she just hates hiding. I guess that's why I'm reading into that as meaning she couldn't possibly be happy long term if she already hates it. But maybe that's the sacrifice she's willing to make for the rest of this relationship that is good.

And yes, I want this to last. But no, I don't want to get ahead of myself. Time will tell.

That's great that you have so many foster-adopted ones. You must have a really big refrigerator and lots of bathrooms in your home, lol.

No, unfortunately, we do not have any together. I would love another baby, but the doctors say (and have said for years) that I can't get pregnant and with my ama (advanced maternal age) the chances are slim.

Most are grown and gone now, only 6 left in the house. The fridge is always being pilfered through by someone's little hands..lol and we have a take a number system in use for bathroom privileges...

My bf and I had this very same discussion last weekend. After almost 2 years our relationship is real and meaningful (not just for the 2 of us, but for our whole quad) but we have no choice but to keep it a secret. Even a rumor of it could lose him his career.

We have many of the same friends and spend lots of time around each others families. We're often out in public together and because we are two married couples, people just assume we are best friends (which we are) and nothing more (nothing could be further from the truth). But keeping this secret which is in reality an amazing, beautiful, meaningful relationship really does feel crappy. It cheapens it somehow and leaves me almost sad after spending time together around other people.

After our talk, for the rest of the weekend, my bf went out of his way to acknowledge me in little ways even when other friends were around. And to find ways to let me know he was thinking of me even if he couldn't touch me without raising suspicion. It helped some and was sweet of him to do that. Still, what we have is incredible and I wish we could let others know about it. Maybe someday we could at least tell select family. We'll see.

I wish I had the answer for you. I don't. But I just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone.

When Wendigo and I first got together, our relationship was 100% in the closet, to the point where he (my best friend) was suddenly afraid to hug me in public after having done that for 2 years prior as my best friend. Lol, so funny to think about that now. Anyways, we are in the closet 90% of the time due to my career (I signed a morality clause that wasn't all that specific about what was immoral) and due to him having a teenage son who was just starting to date when we got together and was also spending a lot of time miniature war gaming with his father, my husband, and I. Over the last four years, the need to be 100% in the closet has diminished. The people we spend the most time with know and we still do things in the community as friends. We also car pool in the evenings, so his and Runic Wolf's work have no questions when I pick him up if Runic Wolf is out sick or if I bring both of them lunch. *shrugs* I guess it depends on the person, but we don't mind it, as long as the quality of our interactions remains the same.

I am in a similar situation too, as Im sure many poly people are. My BF and I are best friends, and we have been in a relationship for just over 4 months. We have not even allowed ourselves to be in the same room with people we know because we are concerned they will pick up on our vibe. I would not have an issue with coming out to mutual friends, but BF's wife is not comfortable with people knowing about us and so we are maintaining a low profile for that reason.WE usually meet in a town halfway between us where we only know a handful of people, so there is minimal chance of being seen. But, there is always a chance.

I am also self employed, and if I came out as poly in a really public way (like on Facebook or something) it could definitely affect my ability to get clients and support my family. So, there are some real-life reasons for being on the DL here.

Pair that with the fact that BF is also working for my family, caring for my grandfather who needs 24/7 homecare. If they were to find out about us, not only would it be a family scandal, he would lose his paying job. We generally choose to not be at the house together and maintain separate presences there.

That all being said, we are having lunch with two of our best friends from high school on Monday. Our first experiment with how obvious we are...LOL

Good luck!
Willow

__________________

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 47yo bi poly woman, married to Bear for 20 years
Bear-59 yo maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out