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Pataphysical Science: 1) The French absurdist concept of a philosophy or science dedicated to studying what lies beyond the realm of metaphysics, intended as a parody of the methods and theories of modern science and often expressed in nonsensical language. 2) What quizzical Joan studied in the home.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

The SMASH Reality Index: Episode 13

Oh shit. They're gonna fuck!

Inspired by NYMag.com’s brilliant Reality Index recaps, Dave (@NineDaves, www.NineDaves.com) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH.

First of all, some crazy news to report. Dave and I saw Peter and the Starcatcher a few weeks
ago. Afterwards, we introduced ourselves to Christian Borle and guess what? HE
TOTALLY READS THE SMASH REALITY
INDEX! AHHH! So heeeey Christian! Hope you’re doing well. Congrats on the Tony
nomination that you probably got this morning. We love you. Call us.

Now on to the goods. Episode 13: Tech. The final countdown
to the out-of-town opening of “Bombshell.” Things, honestly, could be going a
little bit better. Rebecca Duvall (Uma Thurman) is a nervous wreck. Our Joe
DiMaggio (Tony Yazbeck) has left to do a pilot, and it looks like Michael Swift
(Will Chase) is the only option to come back. And Julia (Debra Messing) is
threatening to quit – even though the book is still a total mess. All of this
is, of course, happening while the set, lighting, and costumes of “Bombshell”
get worked out. Meaning Derek Wells (Jack Davenport) is super stressed. We
wonder what he’ll do to relieve that…

Perhaps a trip through the Reality Index will help?

Totally True

• Christian Borle and Leslie Odom Jr. sing “Another Op’nin,’
Another Show.” In harmony. As if it’s no big deal. And they look and sound lovely. And we melt.

• Hey Grand Central Station! Plus 10!

• The theater in Boston has touring posters for American Idiot, Catch Me If You Can, and Wicked.
If this was 2004, Dave would totally be ushering at that theater.

• “Another Op’nin,’ Another Show” ends and Derek screams “Oh
bloody hell.” We presume this is because the song ended and not because the
lights went out.

• Julia stares at Frank in bed while he’s sleeping. Because if
we were in bed with Brian d’Arcy James, we’d do the same thing.

• Ivy Lynn points out to Derek that the problem he’s having
with the set is actually a problem that can be fixed through choreography. Ivy
Lynn may be selfish and a bit of a diva, but she clearly learned something over
there at “Heaven on Earth.”

• Karen Cartwright tells Dev that they’re working “10 out of
12s.” Which is totally a real thing! It’s when a cast works 10-hours during a
12-hour period, with only 2-hours of break in-between. In this case, 10am-10pm.
“And then we go out,” she explains. That’s probably a real thing too.

• The desk is too heavy so they need to use smart casters. We’re
not sure what this is, but we looked it up and it seemed techy and legit. Plus
10?

• Tom wants to reuse a cut song from “Heaven on Earth” in
“Bombshell.” This happens all the time, we imagine. After all, the entire score
of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark is
made up of cut songs from U2 albums.

• Derek doesn’t want to put a new song in at tech. This seems
reasonable, especially when you have to stage the whole goddamn show. Besides,
that’s what previews are for!

• Ted drops out of “Bombshell” to do a pilot. Plus 10.

• And his TV show will probably get cancelled. Plus 20.

• Ted says “Bombshell” is great as he’s running out the door.
Plus 30.

• P.S. HEY TONY YAZBECK! Plus 100!

• Derek knew about Michael and Julia. Because there are no
secrets in the theater.

• Dennis is Ivy’s new gay best friend. Normally it would be
Sam, but he’s in a relationship with Tom now and obviously doesn’t have time
for her. Besides, cliques among theater casts happen soooo quickly.

• “It’s been over a week. Is it time to make it official?” Leo
complains. Typical teenager – pissed at your parents when they’re breaking up,
pissed at your parents when they get back together. All he wanted was for them
to get back together and now he’s annoyed about it. Go smoke some pot and shut
up.

• Derek asks Ivy Lynn, “What would I do without you?” While
the spotlight is on them. And again, we see Ivy Lynn staring into space,
planning their future together. This time, with babies.

• “We’ve seen actors come in the night before and be great,”
Julia tells Tom. We’ve seen actors rehearse for months and be terrible, so we
suppose that’s possible.

• Plus 10 for Julia telling Frank the truth.

• We agree with Tom. Intro music into “History at Night” is a terrible idea.

• Ivy is pissed that Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman is
singing “Happy Birthday” to Derek. Because now she’s sloppy thirds.

• Aaand Ivy’s back to confiding in her best friend, Sam. See
how quickly these things change?

• Sam’s parents find out about his involvement with
“Bombshell” because of a publicity photo in The
Globe. Plus 10.

• Eileen Rand speaks the truth! “I’m very sensitive to this
situation, Julia. But ultimately it was your mistake. Now I don’t think it’s
fair to keep an entire production hostage… I have millions on the line!”

• Tom and Derek disagree about the book. “It’s not terrible,”
says Tom. “Do not tell me it is not terrible – it is truly dreadful,” says
Derek. Yes Derek, we agree. The dialogue in that scene was worse than Rebecca
Duvall’s Uma Thurman’s singing.

• “I am not doing 3 weeks of previews without a book writer or
a lyricist,” barks Derek. No shocker there!

• “Our leading lady doesn’t sweat, she glows.” Plus 25!

• In order to cover for Rebecca Duvall’s Uma Thurman’s
long costume change, Derek gets Ivy Lynn and Karen Cartwright to pull off Rebecca
Duvall’s Uma Thurman’s gloves on stage. Plus 10 because you don’t get to be
a top director by not being able to come up with creative solutions and plus
100 because this obviously pisses off Ivy Lynn. (“Wait, we’re taking her
gloves off for her?”).

• When Ivy Lynn questions Derek’s decision to have her remove Rebecca
Duvall’s Uma Thurma’s gloves, he says, “You heard me. Do it.” This is
probably why Ivy Lynn fell for him in the first place.

• Dev brings Karen Cartwright flowers. Because that makes up
for the fact that he cheated on her.

• Another tour poster in this Boston theater! Million Dollar Quartet!

• Eileen Rand is upset that if Julia quits, they’d have to get
a new book writer. Honestly, would that be a bad thing?

• Eileen Rand has a thing for know-nothing lowlife bartenders.
Us too!

• Tom tells Sam’s family that “dancers are one injury away
from financial disasters.” This is totally true – but we’ve also seen Center Stage, and Erik totally makes the
ballet company even though he’s on crutches.

• Derek and Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman make out after Rebecca
Duvall Uma Thurman asks Derek “Why is it so hard to get a damn compliment
out of you?” She and Ivy Lynn are the same person.

• “You’re not at your post,” Ivy Lynn tells Ellis. Wow – we
might actually like not hate Ellis when he’s around Ivy.

• Dev proposes to Karen Cartwright. Because that really makes up for the fact that he
cheated on her.

Remember in the pilot when Karen Cartwright’s acting
ambitions were being criticized by her parents at dinner and Dev was all like,
“she’s a wonderful actress” and we all swooned? Well now he’s an asshole and we
hate him.

• Sam tells Tom, “This is what theater is. It is joy one day
and then gone the next. It’s like a religion.” WE BELIEVE AND WE WORSHIP IT
WEEKLY!

• Tom tells Sam, “You are my best self.” And even though he’s
saying it to Sam and even though he’s clearly playing a character, we pretend
Christian Borle is saying it to us.

• Sam’s brother teases him when he kisses Tom. Our brothers
would do the same thing. Though if we were kissing Christian Borle, we wouldn’t
stop when they started their shit-talking.

• The whole ensemble is having a party in the hotel room. If
we were staying there, we would have probably called security.

• Jessica and Bobby still refer to Karen Cartwright as “Iowa.”
And we laugh every time.

• Ivy Lynn confronts Karen Cartwright about Derek cheating on
her with Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman. “She’s your new best friend. You
expect me to believe you didn’t know?” Ivy Lynn would find a way to blame Karen
Cartwright for this.

• Julia is eating peanut butter and banana in bed. We do that
all the time!

• Frank and Leo encourage Julia to go to Chicago. This
probably wouldn’t happen, but we like the idea of seeing Brian d’Arcy James for
at least two more weeks. And who knows – maybe Leo will get left behind, Home Alone-style. [fingers crossed]

Oh Hell No!

• We understand trying to use this “Another Op’nin,’ Another
Show” performance as background music, but we’d rather watch Christian Borle
and Leslie Odom Jr. sing than watch Katharine McPhee and her ridiculous green
pants stand around looking surprised that Grand Central Station is big.

• Megan Hilty packs a picture of her mom. Which is weird. But
her mom is Bernadette Peters dressed as Sally in Follies. Which is weirder.

• Isn’t it a little soon for Julia and Frank to be sharing a
bed again? Surely Julia would be on the couch or something…

• The entire cast meets in Grand Central. Have you ever tried
to meet someone there? It’s miserable. And not that easy. And in large groups
like that, someone always is late or buying a ticket and totally misses the
train.

• Also, wouldn’t the cast of a Broadway-bound musical heading
for an out-of-town tryout all be on a bus? Especially since there are no trains from Grand Central to Boston.

• Derek tells Ivy, “I love you,” and OMFG. Way too soon buddy.
You’ve got a stage 5 clinger on your hands here. Do you know what she’s going
to do when she hears that? Bitch is planning. the. wedding.

• Ugh. Performances haven’t even started yet and already Karen
Cartwright is acting like a diva.

• Karen Cartwright complains to Dev that his call woke her and
her roommate. Then she says that it’s 9 a.m. And they have to be at rehearsal
at 10. So basically, Dev did you a favor by waking you up. Stop being such a
B—in room 23.

• Dev is so lame. The only thing that’s tolerable about it is
that every time we see him, we think of him in that Bollywood number.

• Wait – does that mean there’s going to be no Tony Yazbeck on
the show anymore? That’s bullshit! We’d gladly trade Michael Swift, Ellis, Leo,
Dev, and Karen Cartwright for more Tony Yazbeck.

• Karen wouldn’t be in the same dressing room as Rebecca
Duvall Uma Thurman. Trying on her wigs.

• Aww Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman is scared. And she
tells Karen all her secrets. Minus 100 because there’s no way in hell she’d be
that vulnerable.

• And why do we keep seeing Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman
alone? First on the stage with the ghost light? Now in her dressing room? She’s
a huge star. Where’s her assistant? That person would be there at all times.

• Julia is bad at making pancakes! Women with careers can’t do
anything right around the house! Minus 50!

• Sorry Julia. No matter how bad things are with your personal
life, you’d be there when your show is in tech. YOU’RE THE FUCKING LYRICIST AND
BOOK WRITER.

• Derek tells Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman that Ted
dropped out. In front of the whole cast. And then tries to rationalize his
behavior when Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman gets pissed about it. Minus 50
because that was totally unprofessional, and never would have actually
happened. Ellis would have leaked it by now!

• Randomly Ivy stands in when Rebecca Duvall Uma
Thurman leaves. Shouldn’t that have been Karen Cartwright – her UNDERSTUDY?

• Derek’s speech to Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman was
completely ridiculous. “Marilyn was afraid of being a joke. That feeling of not
being authentic. Of having something to prove? Use it. Oh, and if I were you.
I’d think about using your star power. Don’t throw it around. Revel in it. Enjoy
it. It’s your escape from the terror.” That shit may work on Ivy Lynn, but not
on Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman. Also, BARF x10.

• We’re confused: is Michael Swift supposed to be that big of
a star? The last thing he was in was a show a La Mama. Why can’t the understudy
just play Joe DiMaggio?

• “Do you want me to beg? This is me begging,” Derek tells
Tom. Derek would never even pretend
to beg.

• Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman is the worst Marilyn
Monroe ever. Even Karen Cartwright would be a better Marilyn!

• BREAKING: Lisa
Rinna is hawking Depends underwear. WTF!

• The “Bombshell” set is ugly. What we would have given to see
some of the work Derek and crew did with set designers.

• The “Bombshell” costumers aren’t that great either.

• Julia quits because they hire Michael Swift. This is a total
over-reaction and complete waste of everyone’s time. OBVIOUSLY SHE’S GOING BACK
TO THE SHOW. THERE’S NO REAL CONFLICT HERE, REBECK.

• Of course Sam’s dad is not supportive of his dancing career
– even though he’s clearly supporting himself. Dads are never supportive of
their sons being dancers. Haven’t you seen Billy
Elliot? Or Glee? Minus 10 because
stereotypes are stupid.

• Sam’s family owns a huge house in Boston. And Sam’s father
owns a paint shop. That’s a lot of cans of paint he must have sold to pay for
that place!

• “Marilyn glowed in the light… she was luminous. Like you.” –
Derek to Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman. Minus 200.

• This whole Karen vs. Ivy sing-off is ridiculous and never
would be happening this close to the first preview. Go to sleep people! Save
your voices!

• In the sing off, Ellis is “Team Ivy,” “Jessica is “Team
Karen,” and we’re team “make this stop.”

• Dev thinks that not sleeping with RJ was noble. And that by
telling Karen Cartwright that, she’ll not only want to stay with him, but will
also want to marry him. WE HATE YOU DEV. WE ALL FUCKING HATE YOU.

6 comments:

Just love Smash! So enjoyed your comments, like watching this all over again with your hilarious observations. And i agree with most of them, but don't agree about Will Chase. Have fallen for him since "Grenade" performance. Love his rock to crooner voice. Sad since this is my intro to these great Broadway performers. But thrilled to see them actually working and in my living room. I probably will never get to NY to see them so thanks to SMASH.

About Me

I have a master's degree from the Goldring Arts Journalism program at Syracuse University. I love to write about theatre, music, musical theatre, and pop culture. The opinions expressed here are my own and do not represent any of the companies I work or write for.