Quotables: Jimmy Fallon, Dec. 17 – 21, 2012

A few quotables from one of my favorite late-night hosts, Jimmy Fallon. These are from last week, Dec. 17 – 21, 2012, on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.

“Hey, I want to say congratulations to American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson, who got engaged over the weekend! Yeah, it’ll be weird at the wedding when the priest is like, ‘If anyone here objects to this union…text the word ‘no’ to my cellphone right now.’”

“On Wednesday, Time magazine will unveil its person of the year. Yeah, I can’t wait to see who it is – or should I say, Honey Who Who it is.”

“Here’s some political news. The White House announced that it has no plans to prosecute marijuana users in states where the drug is now legal, because they have quote ‘bigger fish to fry.’ When they heard that, stoners were like ‘Wait. Phish is in town??'”

“Some more news out of Washington. It’s rumored that John Boehner and President Obama are considering a partial deal to avoid the fiscal cliff at the end of the year. Yeah, it’s rumored that a partial deal is being considered – or to put that in layman’s terms: oh, we’re gonna go off this cliff.”

“ABC is working on a new show inspired by Justin Bieber’s life before he got famous. It makes sense – I mean, there’s just so much we don’t know about that week.”

“Today North Koreans celebrated the one-year anniversary of Kim Jong-Un taking power with a big rally. Kim Jong-Un was like, ‘You shouldn’t have!’ while North Koreans were like, ‘You made us…'”

“You guys, Christmas is right around the corner, which means this Saturday is expected to be the second busiest shopping day of the year. Or as mall bathrooms put it, ‘Pray for us.’”

“Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! I’m your host Jimmy Fallon, though you may know me by my other name, Gossip Girl.”

“Here’s some political news. Yesterday, President Obama and John Boehner talked about the fiscal cliff for 45 minutes, but the White House will not release a transcript of their conversation. However, they did offer to have Joe Biden reenact it with puppets.”

“Wait, we’re facing one of the biggest threats to our economy and they only met for 45 minutes? That’s not even the opening credits of The Hobbit!”

Some sports news. Last night, Mark Sanchez – he threw four interceptions and had a fumble in the Jets’ loss to the Titans. You could tell it would be an off night for Sanchez, ‘cuz during the coin toss he yelled ‘Scissors…I mean, rock…I mean, you pick it. I don’t know.'”

“Last week, a group of chefs baked the world’s largest pizza, which is gluten-free and contains nine thousand pounds of cheese. Or as Americans put it, “’ou had me at ‘world’s largest pizza’ – you lost me at ‘gluten-free’ – then you won me back with “nine thousand pounds of cheese.'”

“There’s talk that Jackie Chan may join the cast of The Expendables 3, along with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Chan – which explains the movie’s next title: The Can’t-Understandables.”

“A 16-year-old kid in Australia just got busted for posing as a doctor at a hospital. Yeah, they knew something was up after that one diagnosis: ‘Ewww gross!'”

“A recent study found that people who like red wine are more outgoing than people who like white wine. While people who don’t care what kind of wine they drink are more likely to host the fourth hour of the Today Show.”

“There are new reports that President Obama is considering the CEO of American Express to be the next Treasury Secretary. But it will be annoying when Obama presents his choice to the Senate and they’re like, ‘Sorry, we actually don’t take American Express.’”

“I heard that a major winter storm is threatening to cancel flights in the Midwest over the next 72 hours, as millions of people get ready to spend time with their families. Of course, Americans have a lot of questions about the storm – such as, ‘Why can’t my family live in the Midwest?’”

“Employees at NASA have released their own parody of the viral video Gangnam Style. Or as it’s also known, ‘One small step for man, four giant months too late.’”

“A new study found that people with no religious affiliation are the world’s third-largest religious group. When told about the news they were like, ‘I don’t believe it.’”

“AOL just announced that it will give every employee a one-thousand-dollar Christmas bonus. And that’s on top of giving them something even MORE valuable – a Gmail address.”

“A man in San Francisco got stuck inside a chimney for more than an hour. I don’t know what’s more embarrassing – having to be rescued by firemen or realizing you’re fatter than Santa.”

“After three years and six seasons, the final episode of Jersey Shore aired tonight. Or as the Mayans put it, ‘So we were off by one day.’”

“A report just found that some new TV’s can actually spy on their owners, because they come with built-in cameras and microphones. Yeah, I got kinda nervous when I heard that, but then my TV said, ‘Chill out, man.’”

I read that next year, the former head of Microsoft Windows will teach a class at Harvard Business School. It’s a little annoying, though – whenever a student asks a question, he just puts them through to a guy in India.”

“After two months of dating, Jets quarterback Tim Tebow and his girlfriend have broken up. Yeah, when he said he got dumped, the Jets were like, ‘Well, while we’re on the subject…’”

“Today UPS delivered 300 packages a second on the busiest day of the year. Yeah, handling 300 packages a second. Or as the TSA calls that, ‘Speed dating.'”

“Hey you guys, it’s late Friday night — which means the world did not end after all! So the good news is, we’re still here. The bad news, I got A LOT of Christmas shopping to do.”

“For his second inauguration, President Obama will only hold two inaugural balls, instead of the ten he had when he was first elected. Yeah, he’ll have two balls – or as his dog Bo put it, (BITTER) “That makes one of us.'”

“Speaking of the President, today, President Obama announced that he’s giving all federal employees Christmas Eve off. And when Joe Biden heard that he was like, ‘But not Santa, right?'”

“Hey you guys, it’s official. After months of speculation, Simon Cowell has confirmed that he is dating Carmen Electra. Yeah, when asked what it’s like to date someone who wears such tight, low cut tops, Carmen was like, ‘Not bad.’”

“Part of Antarctica has been named after Queen Elizabeth, to commemorate her 60th year on the throne. Yeah 60 years on the throne. Or as my dad calls that, ‘my ME time.’”

“I heard that the classic musical Pippin is coming back to Broadway for the first time since 1977. When asked why they took such a long break, producers said, ‘Hey, Pippin’ ain’t easy.'”

“Ireland is coming out with its own version of the show Cheers. Yeah, a sitcom about people who sit around drinking at a bar all day – or as they call that in Ireland, ‘Reality TV.’”

“I read about a man who wore 60 shirts and nine pairs of jeans on an airplane to avoid paying a baggage fee. Then his testicles said, “Oh we paid, alright. We paid.’”

Jane Boursaw is the founder and editor-in-chief of Reel Life With Jane. Her credits include hundreds of print and online publications, including The New York Times, People Magazine, Variety, Moviefone, TV Squad and more. Follow her on Twitter at @reellifejane.