What Your Favorite Ice Cream Flavor Says About You

Ever been on a nice date, left the restaurant for a romantic stroll, then ended up at a ice cream parlor and *record scratch* your companion orders Rocky Road? All of a sudden, you’re thinking more about updating the dessert preferences on your Tinder profile than going for that first kiss.

Let’s be real: Staring into the display case at a frozen-treats emporium is like a Rorschach test, and while I’m all for the “dance like no one’s watching” approach to life, it’s important to know that friends/lovers/potential paramours/other patrons are silently judging based on your order. So before you go for that triple scoop of bubblegum or get a Heath bar smashed into your Cold Stone order, just be aware of what signal you’re sending. Let’s break it down…

Ever been on a nice date, left the restaurant for a romantic stroll, then ended up at a ice cream parlor and *record scratch* your companion orders Rocky Road? All of a sudden, you're thinking more about updating the dessert preferences on your Tinder profile than going for that first kiss.
Let's be real: Staring into the display case at a frozen-treats emporium is like a Rorschach test, and while I'm all for the "dance like no one's watching" approach to life, it's important to know that friends/lovers/potential paramours/other patrons are silently judging based on your order. So before you go for that triple scoop of bubblegum or get a Heath bar smashed into your Cold Stone order, just be aware of what signal you're sending. Let's break it down...

Mint-chocolate chip

You are the Jay Gatsby of ice cream, the Dan Humphrey of dessert, the frozen-treats philistine of the century. You work so hard to project refinement through your embrace of bright, fresh, palate-cleansing mint, only to expose your inner ratchet-ness by insisting that it comes laden with massive hunks of chocolate. It's sort of like ordering a dry-aged porterhouse, then smothering it in ketchup. Instead of trying to keep up with the Joneses, just keep it real and have some Double Chocolate Chunk. We won't judge you (psych, we definitely will).

Vanilla

Lazy minds may pigeonhole you as vanilla-meaning-boring due to your seemingly unadventurous tastes, but we know that you're vanilla-meaning-fucking-psycho. Because the things is, you didn't always like vanilla. In fact, you rebelled against it at an early age, delving into every hard-core flavor you could get your hands on: rum-raisin, triple chocolate, that one at Baskin Robbins called Love Potion #31®. Eventually, your quest for new experiences led you down some dark paths involving casual sex in Europe and class-A drugs. But you've grown up, settled down, and simplified. Vanilla is something you can trust. Now, when you're feeling wild, you don't pop molly—you cop rainbow jimmies.

Rocky Road

Waffles swaddling your fried chicken. Double Downs drenched in syrup. Fries inside your burger. You'll do whatever it takes to stuff as much junk into your face as you can at the same damn time. Rocky Road is the most YOLO flavor of all time, and statistically nine out of 10 people who like it always eat an entire carton in one go.

Coffee

Honestly, you're a maniac. You drink five cups of coffee a day and you got a double espresso after dinner, yet you're still trying to sneak a little extra caffeine into your dessert. One vice is ever enough for you—you take your Red Bull with vodka, your chili fries with cheese, your cigarettes with marijuana. It's time to pump the breaks and drive slow, homie.

Dippin' Dots

So instead of a scoop of rich, creamy ice cream that's served sweet tooths well for centuries, you're feeling this mall-courtyard novelty that smashes every flavor into a tiny, freezer-burned ball of nothingness? You probably think mashups are "better than the original," too. Keep chasing the future, player!

Neapolitan

Growing up with Italian-American feasts, you came to expect bounty and choice from all your meals, while still taking comfort in the idea that everything kinda-sorta tasted the same. Ice cream is no different—while getting different flavored scoops in a cone is all well and good, you prefer the Very Idea of Choice to be presented to you in one enormous tub, family-style. It doesn't matter that you always eat all the chocolate, followed by the vanilla, before picking at the strawberry like it's a chore. Tradition is everything, and you will never change.

Astronaut Ice Cream

You are either A) five years old, B) an astronaut, or C) a complete douche. Only B is acceptable—if the other two apply, you're getting pantsed and/or swirlied the next time the chaperone's not looking.

Sorbet

Oh, you joyless soul, you. When the waiter is done listing the dessert options at a restaurant, you are that mousy voice that says, "Do you have any sorbet?", and then goes "yay!" when you find out that they not only have multiple varieties of sorbet, but they're also made with seasonal fruits. You prefer tuna burgers over cheeseburgers, yoga over real sports, and a good book over intercourse. Others say, "A good sorbet is delicious, especially on a hot day, but it's no match for thick, rich ice cream." But you just look away and repeat your mantra under your breath.

Bubblegum

If you have good credit, bad knees, an appreciation for alone time, or any of the other trappings of adulthood, you left the part of yourself that liked bubblegum ice cream behind in the second grade. But you still cling to it, just like you cling to the breakfast cereals of your youth while the rest of us move on to Greek yogurt and muesli. The thing about this flavor is that it makes no sense: You generally take gum out of your mouth when eating food, why would you purposefully choose a food that has gobs of the stuff lurking in there for no good reason other than to be colorful? Holler at some rainbow sprinkles and call it a day.

Chunky Monkey

How many bong rips have you taken in the last two hours? It's time to clear your head and get real: Those Ben & Jerry characters characters you idolize aren't hippies anymore, they are just two old-ass white dudes caking off of Unilever. And banana ice cream with walnuts and chocolate fudge is the type of thing you'd come up with if you went into 16 Handles high, not the studied choice of a seasoned ice-cream connoisseur.

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