Tag Archives: gifts

Intimacy in marriage is one of the most important indicators of your relationship’s health. If you and your spouse are not bonded spiritually, emotionally, and physically, you become far more susceptible to conflict and division. Quality time, vulnerable communication, and generous affection knit your hearts together into a beautiful union. Fortunately, there’s not much going on in your life to get in the way of these essential aspects of your relationship. Right?

Intimacy Killers

Stress

Work

Financial strain

Kids activities

Hobbies

Health problems

Family drama

Moving

Home maintenance

Life

With so many obstacles, it’s important that you periodically take time to evaluate your level of intimacy and determine if sufficient priority is being given to your relationship.

Gauging Your Marriage’s Intimacy

While couple’s build intimacy through a wide range of methods, there are a handful of classic elements you can evaluate to gauge your current level of marital intimacy.

Marriage is your most important earthly relationship. When you marry, the two of you become “one flesh.” If you starve your marriage, you starve yourself. Nourishing your relationship and prioritizing your mate is one of the most important things you can do each day. The only thing more important, is your relationship with God.

Commit today to taking one or two concrete steps to invest in building more intimacy in your marriage. The rewards you’ll reap will last a lifetime.

When Gary Chapman released his book, The Five Love Languages, it revolutionized how we think and talk about relationships. The concept of a “love language” quickly resonated with couples, pastors, and counselors around the globe. Over nearly two decades since the release of that seminal book, discussing your own love language and your spouse’s language has become common place. Unfortunately, the discussion surrounding love languages has tended to veer toward selfish indulgence, rather than unconditional acceptance.

The Language of Love

What we learn through the lens of love languages is that we experience love differently. While working hard for the family might be an expression of love for one person (act of service), it may not resonate with a spouse that primarily experiences love verbally (words of affirmation). Thus, it is important I learn to speak love in a way that my wife understands. This is superb insight, but it has a tendency to put the emphasis upon adapting ourselves to meet each others needs. This misses the mark. As important as it is to express love in a way that your husband or wife can understand, it is more important that you practice the universal love language.

The Universal Love Language

We each speak love a bit differently. Love is experienced as a combination of the five languages, with a strong preference for one or two. But there is a universal language of love that transcends all five. Grace.

Throughout God’s love story with the nation of Israel, there is a consistent thread of love – His grace.

From the parables of Jesus to the conversion of Paul, a common chorus of love rings out – His grace.

Gracious love delivered Israel repeatedly from their enemies.

Gracious love forgave Peter when he denied Christ three times.

Gracious love led Jesus to the cross to buy your freedom.

You might lean toward the love language of affection or quality time. Your mate might fluently speak words of affirmation or effortlessly perform acts of service. But the universal love language that we all understand…is grace.

Unconditional Acceptance

The concept of a love language isn’t just about learning to love each other better. It’s also about graciously accepting your mate when you don’t feelloved.

Affection is my primary love language. I am well-known for my bear hugs and I have raised my children to be very comfortable with giving and receiving affection. Tammy, on the other hand, is not nearly as fluent in the language of affection. During Marriage 1.0 (our relationship prior to The Fall), this language gap was a significant source of friction for us. While she was constantly demonstrating love through acts of service and quality time, none of that felt like love to me. As God has redeemed our relationship in Marriage 2.0, what has emerged from the ashes is a bond rooted in grace.

My wife diligently works to speak my language of affection, but she doesn’t always hit the mark. Likewise, I fall short in speaking her language of quality time and words of affirmation. What we have learned through the process of healing and marriage renewal is that the gap between my expression of love and her expression of love is filled by the universal language of grace.

Your mate fails to affectionately love you – give grace.

You are longing to hear words of affirmation from your spouse – give grace.

Time pressures rob you two of quality time together – give grace.

It’s been a while since you’ve received loving gifts – give grace.

Your mate has fallen short in demonstrating love through acts of service – give grace.

Grace is a balm for the heart, purely expressing love when words and actions fail to suffice.

Love Graciously

I’m not suggesting that you settle for a loveless relationship. Communicate openly with your spouse. Freely share with each other how you most clearly experience love and then work hard to meet each other’s needs. But realize that you each will short of demonstrating that love consistently. When that happens, avoid the temptation to feel bitterness or keep some sort of ridiculous ledger of loving deposits in your mind. Instead, fill the void you experience with the grace and love that you have so freely received from your Heavenly Father. Your mate deserves no less.