Friday, May 16, 2008

Au Naturale

Spring has finally come to Salt Lake City which means I have been slowly rolling my shorts and tee shirts out of the closet. I hate clothes, really I do. It's such a terrible inconvenience to be burdened by layers and layers of clothes. Of course, with my lovely physique, I am sure there are plenty of people who are grateful for clothes, and lots of em. Eat cake I say.

Ever since our new back yard neighbors moved in last month, I have had to sneak around my house like a cat burglar for fear of being discovered nude. I never realized what an inconvenience it was to crawl around my own house ALL THE TIME because I am in the buff. Of course, the obvious solution is to just get dressed each day, or buy some blinds for the kitchen but I shouldn't have to if I don't want to right? Damn straight people, this is America and we do whatever the hell we want! Actually, I wouldn't give a hoot if they caught me nude because WE were here first and if anyone should have to buy blinds it should be them, right? If the sight of my erotic physique makes them queasy then THEY should be the ones motivated to board up all of their windows or move back to California. Yes, I'm sure that under any other circumstance they are LOVELY people but this is really affecting me in a negative way.

The quandary for me is that we belong to the same Ward. The thought unsettles me ever so slightly of being in the same chapel with them where an opening prayer is offered, a hymn is sung and I am left wondering if they have seen me in my party pajamas. I think that disturbs the spiritual environment, no? Further, I have this awkward feeling that the topic will be broached in my next Bishop's interview. "So Brother Nielsen, how do you like your new neighbors? They mentioned you a lot... I mean A LOT when they were in here last week... Even their kids talked about you and your family. Mostly YOU, but you know, your family too." It will be at that point in time where he will try and find a kind and appropriate way to bring up my nakedness and will ultimately end with my exclamation "...and if THEY don't like it THEY can take it up with the manufacturer!"

As illogical as it sounds, I continue to look out the kitchen windows every morning, noon and night to see if their light is on and if it's safe to make a dash for the fridge. At some point the law of average will catch up to me and I will get caught. I've decided that is a chance that THEY are going to have to take. In the mean time, I'll keep you posted when their new blinds go up or I get a call from the Executive Assistant asking me if I can meet with the Bishop after Church next Sunday. Till then, I'm going to embrace this new Spring weather, sneak around my kitchen like a thief in the night and most of all, let the rough side hang.

5 comments:

You would think Marcelo and I are from Europe considering how much we walk around nude or semi-nude. If you need to come over to my house, you should be sure to call first, becuase there is a really good chance you will find me without pants/shirt/bra/ underwear on any day at any hour.

When I lived down in Provo, my neighbors thought this was so weird. I don't see what's so weird about it! We are in our own house, and it's not like we have kids who will stare at our "giney's" and point ask what they are.

As for you and your neighbors, I would agree that if they don't want to see your goodness, then they don't have to look. I'm excited to see if they put you on "naked probation".

Are you kidding?? I bet they pop up some popcorn and sit at the kitchen sliding glass door with binoculars. Bro, you're something to see. I bet they place bets to see if you guys are going to all gather together, in the nude, in the kitchen and sing kum-bay-ya. DO IT! DO IT! and then do something REALLY weird, like sacrifice a chicken.

BAHAHA! My husband cracks me up! 90% of the time, i've decided that I just don't care. If they really want to look at me parading around in my garms....whatever. WHY did it NOT bother us if the Hilty's saw us semi-nude, but the new neighbors it does. I think we should make life sized nude stand ups of all of us and prop them up in the windows.

You certainly have the right to be comfortable in your own castle! We had a similar problem with our back neighbors, especially since their house sits a little higher than ours and the view from their family room and back porch swing is right into my kitchen. They've gotten used to "seeing" us now though, and we usually even get a wave when we see each other. The view works both ways though, and one afternoon I glanced over the fence and noticed that the neighbors had played hookey from work to stay home for some lovin - I won't go into anymore details, but will just say that now I smile extra wide when I wave back to them from my kitchen.

Oh my heckin' gosh darn it! WHERE did you get that picture of James Rowell?!

If you want an excuse to live the nude lifestyle, come to Arizona, where no one blinks if you traipse around in nuthin' much. At least from May to September. Good luck with all that. Maybe it would look like a Celestial Jumpsuit if you switched to one-piecers. You know you wanna . . . *yoda voice* "It is your DEStiny . . .yeeeeees!"

About Me

I am hillarious for starters. I also happen to be a successful father to four sons and married to a BABE of a wife. I was reluctant to start a blog as my random thoughts and musings could be used as political fodder should I ever decide to run for President of The United States. For your amusement and pleasure I've decided to take that risk...

Good Times

Gracie is 3 years old and lives next door to us. She and Jack are like pea's and carrots! They seriously play together for hours and hours every day. Gracie is the daughter that Lisa and I never had. Last week Gracie and I had the following coversation.

Me: Gracie? What color are Jack's eyes?Gracie *looking at Jack who is batting his eyes at her* "His eyes is brown." (I like how she says "is. His eyes IS brown...)Me: That's right! And what color are YOUR eyes?

Gracie thinks about this for a second and then opens both of her hands wide open, jams thumbs and index fingers into her sockets and spreads her eyelids completely apart. All I see are white eyeballs staring back at me.

Gracie: "See? My eyes is BLUUUUUUE"Me *laughing at this 3 year old with huge white eyes*: You got that right! Now, what color are MY eyes?

Gracie releases her eye lids and then walks next to me where I am sittingon a chair. She puts her hands on my cheeks to get a really good look. I can see her *swollen* eyes look at both of mine carefully. She inspects them intently, one then the other...one then the other. I wonder if I am getting an eye exam here. She finally release me from her grasp, claps her hand together and proudly announces "Your eyes is red!"

Pigeons AKA People and Places Likely To Crap On You

Chase Bank Whatever money you put in that bank quickly becomes theirs. Use a credit unionLagoon Gave us a ton of excuses on why they couldn't help our visitors from Kenya.Arbys & Taco Bell in Draper I weep for the futureUS Post Office. Stamps go up another penny. Puh-LEASE!Riverton Chevrolet. There's a reason they never sell cars.Harbor Freight. Home of "I don't know, duuuude."

Eagles AKA People and Places Where I Like To Hang

VistaPrint.com Went the extra mile to make me happyAbbey @ Lifetime Fitness. My Yoga instructor who is AMAZING. What a gem!Peakpotentials.com These guys have changed my life.Su Casa The best waitresses on the planet.JetBlue. Lots of room, your own tv and friendly staff.

The Number Of People Hunting Me

Eagles and Pigeons

EaglesVistaPrint.com I have been doing business with Vista Print for several years. Last week I ordered 500 custom business cards and I was disappointed with how they turned out. I called and Vista Print UPGRADED my cards, are printing out 500 new ones and only charging me for shipping. GREAT COMPANY!

Abbey @ Lifetime Fitness. From time to time people come into my life and change the way I see and think about things. Abbey is one such person. At a very young 27, Abbey is an amazing instructor full of energy, vitality and wisdom. Her Yoga classes are always packed and I always look forward to the time I get to learn from her. Both Lisa and I are excited to count her as a new friend and are excited to watching her continued success!Peakpotentials.com They hosted a seminar in Salt Lake City last month and I was so impressed that I flew to Denver to attend their 3 day seminar. It was amazing. I'm trying to find a way to go to some of their other programs.

Su Casa. Jeff Birschbach actually introduced me to this Mexican Restraunt 15 years ago. I had lunch there yesterday. They are located on State Street just south of the Sam's Club off of I-215. The food is good, prices are totally reasonable but best of all the staff there are EXCELLENT. Seriously, the best waitresses in the Rockies.JetBlue. Finally, an airline that makes sense. Nice seats, friendly staff and your own Satellite TV! Whenever we book flights we always check here first. Ohh and the blue potato chips are cool too.McCools Pub @ The District in South Jordan. Our waiter Ed, made sure that we got a fresh batch of Fish and Chips when the cornbeef and cabbage turned out average. The Buffalo Shephards Pie is awesome.Lifetime Fitness. A five star gym with the whole family in mind. By far, the best facility I have ever seen and they cater to the entire family. I love going and the kids do too. Although it's TRIPLE what we paid at Gold's Gym.

Pigeons

Arbys and Taco Bell in Draper If the kids who work here are the future of our country I'm moving to Guam. Guaranteed slow, crappy service, screwed up orders and an inability to make obvious decisions. No matter how far you have to drive to find another restraunt, it will be worth the time and money, plus your taste buds will thank you for it too. US Post Office. Stamps go up another penny next week. Stop with the friggin penny increases! Just charge 50 cents and be done with it. I hate all of the penny stamps I have to put on my Playboy re-newal cards. It's SO unprofessional.

Riverton Chevrolet. They wanted to pull my credit report "and go over some numbers" before they would let me test drive the 2008 Corvette. Now I understand why I have seen the same cars on their lot for months now.

Harbor Freight on State Street. "Sorry dude, ummm I don't know where that is" is always the WRONG answer. The correct answer is "I'm not sure, let me find someone who knows!" Ohh and it would be nice if the guy un-helping me, had a hair style that alerted me to whether he was a boy or a girl...dude.