Diary of a BJJ teen.........

given the pure unadulterated awesomeness of Shinkengata's "Diary of a Teen Ninja" thread, and the requests to start a similar BJJ thread, I decided to make a go of it...here are the first three entries, if it is crap tell me to stop, if you want to see it continue let me know.

Day 366……..

Dear Diary,

****!!!! My mom said that she is not gonna help me pay for my ATA Bushido Masters Training Festival, I told her than I needed an attendance ticket from the festival so that I can enroll in the accelerated nidan course. Having just received shodan, my instructor is strongly recommending me for the nidan course. The “X-nidan” course is fucking mint!!! For only $2,500 I get an introduction into the secret Shaolin-jumping-shadow-kicking-techniques from the scrolls written by Eternal Grand Master Haeng Ung Lee, plus a shodan rank in Hapkido, this combined with the badass XMA training are well worth it. The festival only costs $4,000 and I will get a certificate of attendance signed by Master Richard Reed, a new ATA Bushido Master patch, authority to have World Champion embroidered on the back of my gi, and four colored tassels to match the multi-colored shodan stripe on my black belt.

She mentioned some bullshit line about “spending good money after bad” and my asshole step-dad and his drinking buddies said that I couldn’t fight my way out of gay bar with a extra large cucumber and asked me if I was gonna wear my gi in the next pride parade….what? pride parade? Whatever idiot, Pride is in Japan.

Anyway, got to head to school. I’m a bit nervous because Jack Nelson is still riding my ass about how his Jujitsu is better than my TKD. I’m gonna where my loose fit American Flag weight-lifting pants to school today, I’m sick of his ****, can you say roundhouse ************!!!!!!

Just as I predicted, Jack started in on me again, saying “Chuck Norris is a fag”, and pointing at my lifting pants calling me Peter Pan and saying that Rex-Kwon Do could kick my ass. Well I had it, I called him a fag and asked him how much he liked rolling around on the ground and hugging sweaty guys…..I had been waiting for months to use that one on him, ever since I watched UFC 1 and saw that Gracie guy with his legs tightly wrapped around that muscular Shamrock guy hugging him close refusing to let him go, and found out that that is what jujitsu was.

Anyway, Jack charged at me and I immediately stepped back into my fighting stance with a loud “KIAYEEEEEE”, this was supposed to stop him in his tracks with the fear of Ung Lee in him but he must have been immune because his head was down. Well, as it turned out, I was not nearly quick enough with my axe kick and my downward elbow proved must not have been aimed correctly, we ended up on the ground. I turned my back to get up and return to fighting position but Jack, like a coward, jumped on my back…………….the next thing I remember is waking up in the nurses office about two hours later.

When I sat up I realized I was sans my flag pants. The nurse said she had to throw them out because there was **** in them when I was dropped off at the nurses office unconscious.

Come to find out Jack got me in some sort of head lock and I passed out and apparently **** myself. Everyone screamed and scattered and Jack fell to his knees and started to cry thinking that he killed me, turns out South Park was wrong though. Anyway Jack is being expelled and kids at school keep asking my about my near death experience. Fucking cool!!!!

I’m gonna ask my ATA instructor tonight if we learn any sweat techniques that knock you unconscious and make you **** yourself, I’ll let you know what says, that would be fucking sweet!!!!!

Well Grandmaster Wong said that we do indeed have techniques that will render a person unconscious….he didn’t know anything about making someone **** themselves though. He said that we don’t learn to harness chi in our kicks until 5th Dan and that the Chi Implementation Course is $15,000. He said he could put me on a payment plan financed at 26% APR immediately so long as my mom, or other responsible adult, co-signs the application.

**** that!! I want to learn how to make someone **** themselves NOW. I told him thanks and I would ask my mom, ha, moron. I heard that Jack was only a White belt in BJJ and had only been studying for 2 months. I’m gonna go check out a BJJ school and see what its like.

I can’t wait to make my dick step-dad **** himself in front of his friends…