to think I must be living in a parallel universe re i fidelity

I assumed that if you're with someone, then you don't shag other people. Drinks with a newish social circle reveals I seem to be crushingly naive and that actually the odd indiscretion is surprisingly common, and that the common denominator is opportunity.

I think infidelity is either a problem for a marriage or it isn't. There isn't a one size fits all.

The main issue is that you probably don't know until it happens how much of a problem it is going to be...so you can't exactly decide to hook up only with people who have the same level of aversion to infidelity that you do.

I think I wouldn't have a big problem with it...but I don't know...yet...

The older I get I believe that people cheat more often than you'd think. Just the other day, I'd arranged for a workman to come to the house and all it was at first was polite chit chat, with each of us discussing our partners and kids etc.

Then suddenly he was becoming very suggestive and made it clear that he wanted a good time there and then with me

I declined his advances eventhoughIreallyfanciedshagginghimsenseless because we were both spoken for, and I'm not used to a workman trying it on out of the blue!

Cherry, do you really think that? I don't think I'm unusually sheltered, and as I've commuted internationally/spent chunks of time in other countries for work, I've had plenty of opportunity to fuck about, but I've been faithful to my DP/now DH for the 23 years we've been together. And he to me, I believe. And my friends (widely scattered, different ages and nationalities, and pretty frank) seem equally faithful.

I can never see where people find time for infidelity, either, tbh... Or the headspace for it.

Might be a completely bollocks theory but it's certainly true for some people I know...

Many cheats I know (including one of my siblings) were raised in families that routinely ignored their partner's cheating, or forgave it very easily with few consequences when it couldn't be ignored. I think this normalises it to an extent and it ends up going a bit circular. Fidelity just isn't a value a lot of people have seen in action. And children are often aware of infidelity, even when parents think they aren't.

Weird. Naively I had assumed that if you cheated on a long term partner or spouse that made you morally bankrupt!

I wonder what the Cheater's Code includes:Don't sleep with her mum/sister/best mate [reverse gender as appropriate]. No, that has been done a lot it would seemDon't do it in the bed you share. No, not that eitherDon't introduce the kids and expect them to keep quiet No...Don't do it while trying to conceive/in last weeks of pregnancy/first couple of weeks of birth no...

The cheats I know do have siblings who are cheats too. They are normally arrogant people who think they are superior to others. The sort to smile at the misfortune of others, who would take the last rolo, leave as everyone starts to clean up.

Not dismissing other people's experiences, obviously, just I genuinely haven't come across much of it. When one apparently happily married friend admitted he'd fallen in love with someone in another country, and left his wife to emigrate to live with her - they're now married - I was completely shocked.

I have completely lost faith that anybody is faithful these days. I really have. My husband left me for an OW...my God she was one of very very many it later transpired. I still can't come to terms with it really. I have never been unfaithful to him but he was able to get away with it by virtue of his job and the fact I trusted him. Looking back it is plainly obvious, maybe I was just in denial?

He also has a friend, young guy, beautiful wife. Prior to their wedding, my husband came rushing home saying he had to immediately take this guys details off a no strings sex site. Friend had left details on his laptop and the soon to be wife would have found out. Husband duly logs on and pulls up a picture of his friend sitting down with a full erection and a smug face. It burned my eyes. I didn't know what to do at the time, it was apparently "a bit of fun", he'd "never done anything like it before" and "he'd never actually met somebody" what a load of bollocks. I didn't tell the wife to be. I do regret that now because she is married to an unfaithful, lying twat who will no doubt continue on with this ways throughout their marriage. If his bright, intelligent, gorgeous wife isn't enough, nobody will be. It's vile really.

3 months past finding out dh's affair and now separated several people have confided in me that it's also happened to them.

I've also noticed that when I've been talking about the situation some people have had this 'look' (hard to explain) about them that makes me think either they have been cheated on or have been the cheater themselves.