life as a Strange Mamma

Renewal

A month ago, I disappeared. I was trying to figure out a way of getting to my best friend’s wedding back in Canada. I couldn’t post about it because of course she reads these posts. And really nothing else was on my mind. So I hemmed and I hawed and the Rocket Scientist and I went back and forth over pros and cons and logistics and practicalities and it really boiled down to relationship. How much are relationships worth? I’ve come to the conclusion that they’re just about the only thing worth anything. Relationships with family, friends, spouses, children, parents, people on your street, in your church, at work, in your community, on the bus. Relationships are really the core of life. They are why we do most of what we do. How we view ourselves in relation to other people determines how we carry out our daily activites. Sorry. I didn’t mean to get so philosophical. Just one of those things you start to get a broader scope of when you actually sit down and start writing. Back to my story.

Every time I talked about the week of E’s wedding, I kept saying things like, ‘when I get back’. Totally by accident. The Rocket Scientist was already going to Poland that week for a conference, I was facing my first week on my own with Doodle with a bit of trepidation and a bit of excitement, honestly, but everytime I thought of the wedding, I just couldn’t imagine not being there. Originally, I was supposed to be a bridesmaid. It hurt that I wasn’t going to be standing up there with her. So in the end, I went. We bought the ticket Sunday night and Tuesday we all flew out. The Rocket Scientist dropped Doodle and I off at Gatwick and then headed straight to Heathrow for his flight. We survived our first trans-Atlantic flight on our own (whew), and were able to surprise E Wednesday morning at her home. The wedding was on Friday and was absolutely one of the most beautiful, intimate, and unassuming weddings I have ever been to. I actually cried more at this wedding than my own. I am so happy that I was able to make it.

I spent a lot of time on this trip, reminiscing. Maybe that’s not quite the right word. Remembering is a better word. I had been having a hard time remembering what life was like before Doodle and I was able to spend a lot time reliving the ‘good old days’. The days when the Rocket Scientist and I were first dating, when we were engaged, the early months of our marriage. These were good things for me to remember, important things. I had forgotten an awful lot. About myself. I was already starting to realize that. But mostly about my husband. And about the things we went through.

To clarify: I am not going down the road of ‘having a baby ruined our marriage’. I cannot imagine life without Doodle. I don’t want to. But adding a member of your family does shift things. I think I did not really acknowledge/understand/get how much time it would take to make that shift. I think I thought it was over months ago and this is how we were going to be forever. It wasn’t a place I wanted to be. I needed to remember things that were before because there are so many of those things that I want to be sure to preserve as we go forward, things I want to be a part of Doodle’s life as well as our own. Things I want to keep in this family no matter how big it grows. Remembering is important. Living life on purpose is important. It’s often too easy to just let every day happen as it will and too much gets lost if you don’t purposefully hold on to them.

So this is me, holding on.

To my style: to who I am in all of my varied and wonderful roles

To my family: and all the history and growth and future that they represent,

To my friends: new and old, and all that we’ve stuck by each other through, I’m sure there’ll be more to come

To the Rocket Scientist: my husband, my partner (in crime and in parenthood), my love, my rock, my sheltering arms. Here’s to never forgetting again, or at least not for long.

To God: Who created the whole concept of relationship in the first place, to have one with me, He’s the reason that I love. Keep reminding me.

Without relationship, there can be no change. We are affected by, and in turn affect, those around us. So make sure your effect is a good one.