2009

December 27, 2009

"A blessed gift"

Did you happen to hear the planes today following the horizon, with the sky so beautiful, the clouds abundant...??? Chase, Corey, Cody, Dan and Kyle (as a passenger), flew Cessna's out of Orange County for Dan's birthday. Cody called me and shouted to get out back and as he flew above the house. I shouted with glee as my men had the adventure of a lifetime. Times are tough but these days, I am relishing the simplest to the more profound, as each day is such a blessing... Happy New Year...Seize every moment!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxo, Kim

December 23, 2009

"Fishin' in the Florida Keys"

From Dad: An epic day of fishing with my boys.... We left for Florida on a late Friday afternoon not really knowing what we were in store for. As our plane landed safely in Miami, we had a couple of stops on our way to the Florida Keys. Much of that will have to be told directly from the Quickel men, and as they say, "The rest is history." Chase's mood was positive and that spread to the entire group. The next day was spent acclimating to our special vacation in the Florida Keys. Sunday, Chase's Golden Birthday, we went fishing. Chase was too weak and tired to fish but insisted we all fish, and that we did. As Chase sat witnessing our success, his input on our technique was helpful. His birthday ended and we all felt a bit saddened that Chase could not participate in the day nor night festivities. A special chocolate cake was delivered but the atmosphere was negative. Next day, Chase left for a three hour drive with Corey and Kyle to Miami Hospital for blood products, etc. They arrived late last night to the hotel. This is where it gets good.....Chase fished like no other...He caught Black Fin Tuna, Parrot Fish and landed a 240 lb. Bull Shark!!!!!!!!!!!In addition, Cody caught Dorado and a 120 lb. Nurse Shark, Corey caught a 40 lb grouper...and the fish stories go on and on and on...... From Mom: My son made his 20th birthday, the Golden one....Praise God! I went to the market to prepare for a very special, quiet Christmas at home, with my kids....and I lift my heart up for the pure gift to have more time together....with Chase and all of my gratitude for your prayers...this very well, may be, a very merry Christmas.... xoxo, Kim

For the last few days, I have experienced a bit of euphoria, anticipating the time with my family. I almost felt guilty having a perpetual smile on my face, but I soon got over that and realized that the bliss of being together is well earned. Yesterday, we attended 'The Gunch' at Coast Hills Church. The boys grimaced at the idea of an afternoon play and yet went along for the activity. Besides Cody dozing for a bit, our group of 8 enjoyed the performance and I feel everyone was touched by the message. The music was very moving. We came home and had a nice family dinner. Chase slept through the meal but he had been hospitalized the previous day so obviously, he was sleep deprived. This morning I had to play Sergeant and wake everyone up for church. Chase was unable to attend due to his physical discomfort. However, Chase met us for brunch compliments of Grandma Sue. Then we came home for the big surprise...Our dearest family friend, Lori, had spent hours and hours putting together all our family VHS tapes and 3M tapes into DVDs. We have not watched these in over twenty years. Chase slept the entire four hours of our viewing but just having him in the room meant the world as we laughed, reminisced and I cried. The years of them all growing up has come and gone, much too quickly. Chase's birth tape was by far, the most special for me. The miracle of my Chasey is PROFOUND. With love and gratitude for this day ...xoxo Kim

With the holiday season here, we are hoping you may find it in your heart to give a gift card for the children at CHOC who will spend their time inpatient. We remember somberly all the seriously sick children on third floor oncology who could not go home for the holidays. Dan Quickel will gather any gift cards received ( i.e. Target, Toys are Us, Walmart, Babies Are Us, etc) and deliver them to Choc On December 24th. The staff buys the particular special requests so the children really get their wishes granted. This project, 'TOYS FOR CHOC' is a special way to give back. Please, send any gift cards, whatever the amount, to:

With the holiday season here, we are hoping you may find it in your heart to give a gift card for the children at CHOC who will spend their time inpatient. We remember somberly all the seriously sick children on third floor oncology who could not go home for the holidays. Dan Quickel will gather any gift cards received ( i.e. Target, Toys are Us, Walmart, Babies Are Us, etc) and deliver them to Choc On December 24th. The staff buys the particular special requests so the children really get their wishes granted. This project, 'TOYS FOR CHOC' is a special way to give back. Please, send any gift cards, whatever the amount, to:

On a personal note, Chase continues to fight the fight with his never-ending strength and courage. With his golden birthday on the 20th, Chase will be flying to Key West with his brothers and dad for a few days to fish. For his birthday gift, he wants to go skydiving. God has blessed us during the days ahead, knowing Chase is still living his life as he strives each and every day with terminal cancer. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah !!! With love, faith, hope and love. xoxo,Kim

Kim,

God is good. While I know that does not seem like the right thing to say at times like this I can tell you that Chase is beating every expectation given to him so much it is almost humorous hearing about him live his life. I pray for him and hope he continues to defy all our worldly expectations. Some very good things have happened through this ordeal to all of us even though I would hope that it would not come to this for them to occur, it is an unfortunate reality. Here are some that I think about in my very selfish way as most pertain to me and I hate to think that God would use Chase in this way. These are simply some good things I see.

*In no particular order

- My sister and I have started to give blood to CHOC regularly. Even though we do not share Chase's blood type, there is always a demand. This was a very far thought from me until recently. I hope to continue to give blood for as long as I can.

- I continually think about my life, my family’s life, and friends 1000 times more and try to cherish them all while I can. I do not take anything for granted.

- Although I have always loved Thanksgiving and Christmas, they are even more special to me now.

- I have most of my families email now

- I have learned about the comfort of beanie hats!

Times all these by every person, Chase knows, and I bet God is doing more good then any of us have thought (at least me). I pray that Chase will be able to teach us more for years and years to come and this will all be nothing more than an inspirational story.

September 13, 2009

To all of our supporters: Due to confidentiality and to give my son the respect he so dearly deserves, my 'updates' will be relinquished at this time. If you would like any information, feel free to direct your questions to my personal email, This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Otherwise, pray every day, with hope, faith and love.... xoxo, Kim

September 09, 2009

"There's something to talk about...."

Madison, Chelsea, Hilary, Kendra, George, Dad, Don, Bobby, Blake, Mark, Toby, Corey, Cody and , of course, Chase....The group left last night at 10 p.m. to motor out on a private boat, called the "FURY" out of Dana Point compliments, of course, by the ever so generous, Dan Quickel, aka, "DAD". As they departed, the fish were beckoning to be caught. The swell was 1-2 feet, a warm breeze, sunny, and the water temp. about 75 degrees. A perfect setting for a best night/day. The crew went 65 miles out into Mexican waters and caught 85 fish...57 Yellowfin, 4 Yellowtail 19 bonita and various others. Dan Quickel proudly presented me with his catches and swore this had been, 'The best fishing day of his life...' Come to find out, this had been the best count for an overnighter this year for all charter fishing. I am euphoric over the success of this 24 hour trip and may that be contagious to you...I plan on preparing fish as long as the good Lord allows me to and that could be 'til timbucktoo'.... On another note, I wrote Chase a note from my heart, expressing my questions and sincere thoughts. Chase will start an experimental study, which may buy him more time. I feel that each day is a gift and I hope we can all pray for quality of life. With love in my heart to all of you. xoxo...Kim

P.S. If you could also put a powerful prayer out for my brother who tomorrow, Thursday, September 10th, has a very significant day ahead.... God willing, goodness will prevail. My brother's name is Robert....

August 17, 2009

"Sometimes less is better"

I feel remiss in not updating but there haven't been any significant changes in our lives. My house remains for lease and the fantasy of being beach side has lessened, which is fine. I am content feeding Chase's fish, entertaining 'Kitty'(and sneezing all the time due to cat allergies),keeping a steady 'eye' on Cody, working, relapsing on sunbathing, and taking one day at a time. Chase and Corey had us over for a BBQ yesterday and the house was clean. Jozie and I reunited and she is just one more thing I miss so very much. The family visit was very special to me. Chase has been reluctant to share a lot about his current health issues and I am forced to again, love and let go. I cry everyday but it is a healthy release. I recommend it to everyone. I am blessed to have the opportunity to see each of my four 'Men' living out their lives; Kyle is going on tour with the band he represents for the month of September, Corey will start at Quickel Paving next week and work for two years to fulfill his requirement before attending his M.B.A. program, Chase is living independently, fishing and socially interacting as he sees fit, and Cody will enter his Junior year in High School as a Varsity soccer player and sponsored skateboarder. Tonight, I am home alone in my much too quiet house. I am watching the news, reading a magazine and just had a great dinner ALONE. You have no idea how big that is for me. May we all take each and every day to be filled with appreciation for what we do have...For with faith, anything is possible. xoxo, Kim

July 31, 2009

"A Good Day"

I had planned on saving this for a different day, maybe one which brought me to tears and tonight decided why hoard the feelings and allow these thoughts to be stored for a rainy day. May the words be profound and the meaning be even more than that. xoxo, Kim

Corey and Chase moved out yesterday and the house seems very quiet. Cody and I took Jozie out for a late night walk in the park. We talked and laughed and I think Cody could sense my unsettledness. I am thrilled the boys found their place in Dana Point and their excitement is contagious. I will have to release them into the real world and accept that 'letting go' as a mother, is so bitterly sweet. This coming Sunday night, Corey and Chase have invited me over for a BBQ at their new pad. I offered to bring the food, or dessert and/or appetizers..I have been told to bring ABSOLUTELY NOTHING....That has to be a mother's true challenge, to relinquish one's role and be a "guest." I have to say, my boys are no longer "BOYS," they are men and I am eternally grateful they are mine....xoxo, Kim

July 10, 2009

"Keep our world as is for as long as, or will be..."

The 'adventurers' arrived at 4 am on July fourth. Needless to say, they slept the day away. Oregon seems to be the location of preference and I am still waiting for photos and video....Since then, Chase and Corey have found a rental four-bedroom home in Dana Point which will accommodate Jozie and if their applications are accepted, they plan to move out by next week. I have decided to lease out my 5-bedroom home, with 'The Club' membership and my pool and Jacuzzi. Cody will go with me and I am looking for being close to the beach and breathing some fresh air. Pass the word if perhaps the boys don't get their rental, as well as my newest decision, to take a reprieve and change up my world, my home is up for whomever. On a side note, call it mid-life or anxiety/depression, I have returned to crying a bit every day. I went and had a full physical. My doctor assured me, my situational symptoms are on board with everything going on. My recent book, Chicken Soup For The Soul-Cancer Stories is a must read. When I finish, I will have a lot to add. Happy weekend to all of you...xoxo Kim

July 03, 2009

"The Letter"

I have thought about you daily since the day I met you, on Father's Day. The fact that we met elbow to elbow and shared some tacos is incredible, as is God in His divine intervention to connect all of us. I hope those 'super cells' are doing their magic for you and what a miracle, I met you on the eve of your transfusions.. The story your son wrote in recognition of your husband is remarkable. From the time I read the very first sentence, I balled my eyes out, and I wasn't even hormonal....Yesterday, I shared the entry with not only my best friends but also, with a stranger sitting next to me on the plane. We were landing and I had this sudden urge to share it. He is a son and a father and his tears were forthcoming as he read silently the Bodell letter taken from, "Chicken Soup For The Soul- Cancer Version." I have read "Chicken Soup For The Soul" for many, many years for all four of my boys starting from second grade through fifth grade in their classrooms, many of which I've memorized, and the stories are incredible. I have had classrooms of students submit their own stories, each with endearing messages. As my family faces the inevitable outcome of cancer to my 19 year old son, I will reflect greatly on the significance of 'The Letter' written by your son, who obviously has learned that saying more is better and timeliness is imperative. May God Bless you and your family, please pass this on to your "PEEPS"....xoxo,Kim

June 30, 2009

"Upcoming Independence day"

Chase already got a jump start....Let me back track first by stating that Corey's post graduation celebration at the house with family and friends was very special and our appreciation to all that attended and gave Corey gifts. Thank you, thank you!!! On Monday, the 22nd of June, Chase left very early for CHOC to get all his blood products and supplies. The crew of six departed the next morning for their 'ROAD TRIP', free of hospitals, a mother's clingy, hovering behaviors with the world at their whim. The contact has been minimal so I've managed to stay busy and distract my internal worries. So far, the favorite stay over, is Oregon where all seven plan on camping and fishing. Yesterday, Chase took a red eye to JW Airport and a friend took him straight to Choc. He was scheduled to get blood products. He had a cut which required I.V. antibiotics, as well as oral. Unfortunately, Chase also developed an allergic reaction which created swelling and discomfort. Did that change the course of the plans??? What do you think??? Dan picked Chase up at CHOC and as the nurse escorted him to the car, Dan was very concerned about Chase's health. However, there was no discussion about options, just getting back to Oregon with his brothers and friends to continue on the adventure. Talk about INDEPENDENCE....I will have plenty more to share when they all return around July 5th. My love to you all. Happy fourth of July....May those rockets blare wherever our crew of adventurers are!!!!xoxo,Kim

June 10, 2009

"A Graduation to remember"

I've had a realization that many mid-life crisis parents do, and that is life is too short and our kids grow up way too fast. How cliché that sounds but also, so very true. I find myself dreaming lately of the younger years, with all four boys now ages from 16-24. When I see a young baby, I can't help but pull up mental images of their 'infant years.' I am regretful I complained of those sleepless nights, the numerous E.R. visits, and most of all, the quality time I got then compared to now. I have been blessed this week, my four sons will accompany my mom and Dan to share in Corey's graduation from UCSB. We will stay in a lovely hotel provided by Dan and spend some real quality time together as a family. I will be tearful and yet grateful for this intense opportunity to be together....to have Chase with us, out of Choc Hospital...knowing now, in my later years, to relish each and every day. Yes, I did celebrate another birthday this last weekend and I did buy my mid-life crisis car, after 25 years of driving an SUV or van, I am ready to spice it up a bit. I also started my own 'Red hatted society' chapter, entitled, "Wild Cougars". My name is, Kimberly Anne...Queen of the Cougars...Please feel free to join. Under 50 year olds wear pink hats and lavender and those 50 or older wear purple attire and red hats. Our first excursion is in July and we will be attending the butterfly garden at the Casa Romantica in San Clemente. I am finding myself reverting to diversions that keep my soul healthy, as fishing is to Chase, red hats may be my newest reprieve. With love and blessings, xoxo,Kim

The red cross called, they are in dire need of blood. Please call 1800 GIVELIFE and schedule. Our local Red Cross is at 22971 Mill Creek Dr., Laguna Hills. xoxo,Kim

As you may all note, I don't update often because, honestly, there hasn't been a lot to say. Chase continues to get blood products regularly and his counts remain extremely low. We all know his diagnosis and prognosis and I continue to pray for less pain and discomfort while we ride this wave. Yesterday, there was a fishing day planned aboard 'Chasen Dreams' and I heard all the boys very early in the morning, getting prepared for their excursion. I went in and out of twilight sleep, envisioning in my mind the fish to be caught and their family quality time together. Chase called me at 8:38 a.m. and asked me to pick him up at the dock in Newport. He said he had a headache and needed to go. I threw on some clothes and went barefoot to get my son. When I picked Chase up, he looked fatigued and as he came into my car with his fishing pole, I felt very sad. I commented to him, that I was sorry he wasn't feeling good and he quickly replied that the crew had been lagging and therefore, they wouldn't be able to get out for the best fishing so he decided to let them snorkel, etc and have a day at sea without him. At that point, Chase asked me if we could go to the Toyota dealership to test drive a car to tow his boat for the boys' road trip. I also wanted to see about trading in my Sequoia so after a quick shower, we were off. After our car adventure (no cars yet purchased thus far), we went to San Clemente to attend our Great, great uncle's 90th birthday at Cyprus Shores. All the Dueslers were there, to celebrate Wally's 90th and Chase was there with me to enjoy this 300 person attended gathering. We ate, talked with family and basically had a beautiful afternoon in the park. What started out as a sad reminder of Chase's impending health issues turned into a gift from God. The mere fact that I got the hours I did with Chase, alone, without distractions, and spent time with family...including capturing 4 goofy pictures in a old fashioned photo booth, plus watching Chase beat his older cousin in ping pong....WOW!!!!! a pure day in heaven....For this particular Memorial weekend, my memories will forever be in perpetual gratitude. xoxo,Kim

May 18, 2009

"Fortitude"

Mother's day came and went and minus the hash browns, my men made a delicious brunch for eight of us. We all sat in the love nest in Laguna and I proudly was 'queen for the day.' Chase and Cody were a bit sluggish at church, given they had stayed up until 5:30 am the night before. I had to bite my tongue to not give cooking instructions but it was pure magic watching their personalities emerge as they orchestrated, as a team, our meal together. Cody's girlfriend Chelsea joined us and we sat in church arm in arm as she grieved her mother who passed away the week prior....Such pain and sadness for someone to endure..... Now, how about another Chase miracle??? This last weekend, Chase left on 'Chasen Dreams', with friends to Catalina. They were on a mission to fish, camp and enjoy the boat. On Friday, they hiked 2 miles to the camping site and Saturday fished all day and crashed on the boat. I didn't ask a lot of questions, of course, to respect their 'confidentiality'. Rest assured, the word out is: TIME OF THEIR LIVES!!!!! Talk about a gift from God....Today, Chase returned to CHOC for his blood products and we are just "cruising".....Can't wait to see what is planned for Memorial weekend, the way it seems to be going, sky's the limit...what a blessing. Love to all, xoxo,Kim

May 06, 2009

"Laguna Beach "

There's a little place tucked away behind foliage and flowers and it truly is a "love nest". There are no curtains and yet, the privacy is everywhere. Stacey found this "piece of heaven" and compliments of Rachiel, it has been a getaway for my soul.

Chase escaped here last night but ultimately, prefers the bedroom he has come to know for the last 19 years. I cannot blame him.

I am composing a letter to Chase, to say the things one doesn't really want to talk about. The realization of the current situation is heartbreaking.

I finally have a quiet place to sob incessantly. Tomorrow, I will pull myself up by the bootstraps and do what Chase does, keep on keepin' on....

Two more days until I get my four boys together. They don't know it yet, but I am going to have them make my mom and I breakfast after church on Sunday. I am going to wear a crown and request service to the max!! Maybe later, I'll beat them at ping-pong or cards and at night, I'll lay my head on the pillow and relish a Mother's Day never to forget.

For all of you mothers, may you create a day with your loved ones that send you to a peaceful place filled with acquired memories of the gift of our children.

Happy Mother's Day

April 30, 2009

"Confidentiality"

I sit in this chair and think about so many thoughts and stories that I'd like to share. Then, I say to myself which ones would really be beneficial to share and to whom would really enjoy the words I would or could share. My first priority is Chase, who hates any gossip, sharing of intimate details and of course, any pity party. Chase elected not to move to Grandma Sue's home in Newport with his brother, Corey. Chase continues to get blood products every three days and his counts remain low without an increase. Chase's pain levels are being monitored with medication. Having Chase home is such a blessing and next weekend, I will get to spend three days with all four boys together under one roof. My son, Chase, has terminal cancer, and I am grateful for each and every day that Chase breathes and has the opportunity to get out and fish, bowl, spend time with friends, attend church,......and smile.....anything simple is so appreciated, days left may be limited but Chase's will remains relentless. xoxo,Kim

April 21, 2009

"Carlene"

Carlene passed early Saturday morning. It is a difficult time for all of us who were touched by this amazing woman......

April 15 - I tossed and turned all morning, waiting for the sun to rise...I went for a jog, showered and psyched myself up to get in my car and drive to Orange Coast Medical Hospital ICU room 251. It is there where I approached my dear friend and colleague/mentor, Carlene, who is dying from cancer. She was supposed to go home with hospice care a couple of days ago and fell into unconsciousness and God rest her soul, has few minutes/days left. I got to be alone with her for over an hour and a half this morning. I was privileged enough to have the opportunity to tell her what a difference she made in my life. I told her how much I loved her and that I knew she would be Chase's guardian in heaven. I stared at her incessantly like a new parent does with their newborn and I prayed for Carlene to go without pain and be quickly taken to her place in heaven...without a body full of cancer. Carlene has called me several times a week to check on Chase's health, even in the midst of her own personal deterioration. Please say a prayer for a lovely, inspirational woman who has so many gifts, including the ability to make you smile in the midst of hopelessness and despair. Carlene, You are loved and will truly be missed...I LOVE YOU xoxo, Kim

April 15, 2009

"Carlene Aviani"

I tossed and turned all morning, waiting for the sun to rise...I went for a jog, showered and psyched myself up to get in my car and drive to Orange Coast Medical Hospital ICU room 251. It is there where I approached my dear friend and colleague/mentor, Carlene, who is dying from cancer. She was supposed to go home with hospice care a couple of days ago and fell into unconsciousness and God rest her soul, has few minutes/days left. I got to be alone with her for over an hour and a half this morning. I was privileged enough to have the opportunity to tell her what a difference she made in my life. I told her how much I loved her and that I knew she would be Chase's guardian in heaven. I stared at her incessantly like a new parent does with their newborn and I prayed for Carlene to go without pain and be quickly taken to her place in heaven...without a body full of cancer. Carlene has called me several times a week to check on Chase's health, even in the midst of her own personal deterioration. Please say a prayer for a lovely, inspirational woman who has so many gifts, including the ability to make you smile in the midst of hopelessness and despair. Carlene, You are loved and will truly be missed...I LOVE YOU xoxo, Kim

April 12, 2009

"Expect the Unexpected"

I woke up this Easter morning with that 'Mom goes into mode' attitude. The day was gorgeous and a busy day in store. I started awakening the boys at 9 am with 5 minute increments to head out for church. Corey and Chase got home from Morongo at 5 am, and Cody went to an all-nighter sleepover. The boys, aka men, were painfully lethargic and hard to motivate. I warned everyone I would not spend my Easter morning yelling. I reminded them no jeans and mandatory collared shirts since we were going with Grandma Sue to the country club for brunch after church. Corey was the first down, with Chase following a close second, then Cody. I ran upstairs to put on the most beautiful piece of jewelry, a homemade gift from Rose Harbin...silver chain bracelet with Chase's photos, as well as the rest of the crew, coupled with fish, hearts, etc...the most exquisite symbol of love and faith and hope. Thank you so much Rose (p.s. the necklace too, just divine..). The sermon at church, as you know how so many do, called out my name...the proof of life after death, the sacrifice made, the promise of forgiveness and the beauty of unconditional love....The theme about the resurrection focused today on the ability to fathom more that what we expect and/or know....What a perfect testimony of Chase's life...His faith, strength and perseverance through a horrific six years with cancer proves to all of us , "Expect the Unexpected." Chase and Corey have been graciously offered by Grandma Sue Duesler, her condo in Newport for a month to month lease agreement. She is only going to collect a mere meager rental fee. I have offered her my home to stay in, and I am seeking a month to month rental...I want to get away and have a renewal of peace. Thank you for the offers that came for Chase, he is one stubborn soul and does not want any charity and thus will elect to move to Grandma Sue's in Newport May 1st. I had 12 for dinner tonight with Chase sitting at the head of the table. He ate and enjoyed the conversations and company. I am so grateful for this day......and know as my tears start flowing, I say good night with a rested soul longing for a solid night of sleep. My love to all of you, and thank you Pam Rinehart for the great meal. xoxo, Kim

April 10, 2009

"Sacrifice"

Somehow, the universe told me to take a few days off from work and thus, Wednesday through Friday, I have. Wednesday, I attended a memorial for Marge Wood, a 91 one year old, who really walked the true life as a Christian. I cried during the entire ceremony knowing internally that death themes are precariously moving for me at this moment in time. The testimonies from family and friends made me think so deeply about each of our own eventual good-byes. Wednesday night, Chase busted into my room with severe pain complaints. We tried some trial meds with the ultimate outcome driving to Saint Joe's hospital emergency room. Chase's pain was profound and that is a loved one's' nightmare. We got there at 1:50 and checked into a crowded lobby. Chase and I did not talk the entire time. The silence was ominous. When we got to a hospital room, we were naive to not realize we would be there for almost 8 hours. Blood tests were ordered, x-rays, a CAT scan, etc. The wait was ridiculous. Finally, at 9:30 am, I moved the car and met Chase in an open room with no doors nor bathroom on OICU. Chase was wheeled to the room and had subsequently more tests...i.e. an ultra sound of his abdomen to identify what was causing the pain, and a removal and replacement of his pic line. In addition, he received morphine for pain in e.r. and more platelets and red blood products. Chase adamantly informed the doctors on OICU, he needed to be home and thus at 7 pm, after 18 hours without true sleep we left for our residence. Chase did not attend the Angel game last night, needless to say, and what a tragedy that our Angels pitcher was killed, as well as the others. I feel so blessed today, to have Chase home, I think I will sleep about 20 hours...Each day I will continue to pray for no pain, and most importantly, those prayers of gratitude for my son, CHASE, a true miracle in every sense of the word.....Happy Easter, remember the sacrifice, the strength that gives us all the ability for renewal of life and spirit....xoxo, Kim

April 08, 2009

"What can I say???"

Chase came home last week to be released from the confines of OICU....There are no more chemo treatments that can be administered due to the damage incurred to his organs.. Dr. Neudorfs wishes are to return Chase to the condition he was in prior to this last segment of chemo...to receive blood products, keep the leukemia at bay and basically, live life to the fullest. The last bout of chemo was unsuccessful and the abnormal cells are relentlessly present. Chase sleeps a lot, eats sparingly and relishes the time he has. Recently, he took his best friend, Blake, and his older brother, Corey, on their fishing boat. What a great day to be on the water!! Tomorrow, gracious "Tim" has donated Angels tickets and Chase will get to have fun at an Angels baseball game. In between all of this, Chase wants to live independently and I am seeking any month to month leads or/and house sitting opportunities for him and his older brother to immediately take advantage of. When I think back to my youth and younger adult years, what an opportunity to live life without the constraints of parents...my generation can relate as well as Chase's, another example of being free...one which I pray for Chase to experience....God Bless you all, if you have any contacts, either pass my info on or have them contact me directly at either, This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 949-249-9001...Happy Easter...xoxo,Kim

March 31, 2009

"Three powerful words"

CHASE IS HOME!!!!!!!! His head hit the pillow the minute he got home, and here's to a much earned quiet night in his bed. My heart is at peace today, knowing my son is here at his house with a snore escaping the walls of his room. For any non-believers, there truly is a God. xoxo,Kim

posted by Kim at 9:11pm | link

"A moment in time"

We are still awaiting the results from the bone marrow aspiration which was preformed last Tuesday..In the old days, 'No news was good news...' However, I believe that the lack of information may be related to the stem cells not being able to beat the leukemic cells and thus, rendering the test results inconclusive. This is all speculative, and my personal feelings being rendered to perhaps, paranoia and the fears that only a loved one can obsess about. Chase believes he will be released from the hospital soon and will be able to come home, sleep in his own bed and celebrate release from the 38 days recently inpatient time spent at CHOC. This anticipated discharge from basically 'incarceration from illness' will give Chase the opportunity to live out these days fishing, having fun, and basically spending time with the people he loves and cares to enjoy life to its fullest. I am profoundly stunned by Chase's will to live and fight the way that he does, without pity, rage, and a sense of defeat. May we all take these lessons of life and apply them to our lives, with perseverance and the will to beat UNSURMOUNTABLE ODDS. God Bless you and above all, Chase....xoxo, Kim

March 18, 2009

"Chase"

Each day is a gift. Chase has kicked the infection and next Monday, he will receive another bone marrow aspiration. The results will unfold after a couple days. If the leukemia has progressed, Chase will decide whether to go home with oral chemo and hospice or remain on OICU. Due to the liver damage from the aggressive chemo, he is not a candidate for any more hard chemo. Chase is alert today, accepting visits and looks very good, given what has gone on. Chase's attitude remains positive as he discusses with his brothers, the wish to go to Hawaii, and I am sure fish.....I have and never believe in my life, I will ever meet, nor have the opportunity to love, a stronger soul on this planet....xoxo,Kim

March 15, 2009

"The eighth wonder of the world"

As to the severity of the recent predicaments, life has been on hold. Today, my visit with Chase was inordinately positive. Despite occasional glares, or annoyances, Chase and I had a nice time together. He is being tapered off the dopamine which has helped with his blood pressure but created severe headaches. In addition, the blood cultures have showed negativity which means the antibiotics are doing their magic. The liver counts are still high and that explains Chase's stomach pains. He has not eaten but he is definitely more positive and back to being my baby...i.e. teenage attitude, in control approach, will to live longer, etc....xoxo, Kim

March 13, 2009

"A whirl wind"

Let's back track to yesterday morning at 6 am with Kyle barreling into my bedroom to inform me that Chase needed a family member with him. He had been transferred to sixth floor critical/intensive care from OICU. He had a blood infection, a fever and extremely low blood pressure. Kyle jumped in his car and I followed an hour later. When I walked in the room, Dr. Neudorf, Chase and Kyle were having a grave conversation. Dr. Neudorf politely asked if he could share with me what was going on and Chase said yes. They had been discussing the advanced directives Chase had chosen. My tears welled up and slowly fell off my face as Chase shot me a dirty look. The social worker came in to see how we were doing and I managed to put on my best poker face. I asked for time alone with Chase. When the room was clear, I told Chase how much I loved him and he told me he didn't want to talk. I asked why, and he said, "Just look at you..." I turned to the window and caught a reflection of a woman who's greatly aged as well as swollen eyes and major tears. It was then I realized, I couldn't fake it...so I sat in silence, thinking this was the beginning to an end. I excused myself once Kyle returned with his breakfast and made calls to family.

Lori Midtsatre was donating blood and ran into me at the elevator so she escorted me back. My best friend, Kathryn, called and said she was on her way. The room started filling up. Chase was getting blood products, antibiotics, and three pain meds. He went in and out of consciousness. I left Chase with his buddies to get a quick bite and felt like balling the entire time. When I returned, Chase wanted Kathryn and I to leave again, so we did. Kathryn cried for her son, Blake, Chase's best friend, who was being so stoic. Then, we both balled together and hugged over this recent blow. When we returned back to the hospital, we were astonished to meet 'Roberta' , the mother of the 7 day diagnosed leukemic son, Austen. He was 5 doors down from Chase's room. She was in a state of shock as she told us her horrific story. We peered into Austen's room and viewed an unconscious teenager, with tubes down his throat and then he began to seize....It was and is a nightmare. I hugged this beautiful woman and promised to stay in touch. I have no idea how he is doing today. Fast forward to this minute, 24 hours later....Chase's antibiotics must have kicked in and of course, with his tenaciousness and THE POWER OF PRAYER, he was moved back to OICU. Blake and Alyssa spent the night on their vigil to protect their friend. Kelsey is visiting Chase today. The nurse said he had a better night and when I talked to Chase this morning he told me to go out of town. Yes, that's my son ....full of salt and vinegar...wanting time with friends and no 'mothering.' So at the end of this lengthy story, Chase bought more time and I sent Kyle and Corey to Disneyland, the happiest place on Earth....xoxo,Kim

March 12, 2009

"Please spread the word"

My mother met with a single mom yesterday at CHOC on the sixth floor, ICU, her name is Roberta. Her son, Austen, was diagnosed last week with the worst type of leukemia and they have no insurance. There will be a fundraiser at Beachfire in Ladera Ranch this Monday, March 16th. Some of the lunch and dinner proceeds will go to this family in crisis. Kyle, my oldest, leaves this Wednesday, back to San Francisco and then off to Peru to see the last public viewing of one of the seventh wonders of the world. Kyle has had daily visits with Chase and they have shared many good times together. Chase's counts remain the same but he is trying to eat a bit, spend time with his friends and preoccupy his time with games and TV. I try to bite my tongue with redundant, annoying questions when I call or visit...but, what can I say, I'm a mom!!!! We'll be at Beachfire Monday at 5pm to honor another family facing leukemia. I hope you will all support this family with four kids, ages 10, 15, 20, 22, and a mom who is just beginning to face the race for her son's life. xoxo, Kim

March 04, 2009

"Stem Cells"

Chase received another dose of chemo yesterday and at 2pm today, he got his final stem cell transplant. Let's pray for those super cells to work their magic. Chase is calm and very much in control, as always, patiently doing time in room 328, waiting for the moment to be free. xoxo,Kim

March 03, 2009

"Chemo completion"

Chase went through five days of chemo and finished this round last Saturday. He had stomach discomfort, some nausea and lack of appetite. Monday, Chase was transferred off OICU to the regular oncology floor, room 328. He has had visitors and seems to prefer the company of his friends and brothers over mom and dad, typical young adult even in the hospital. If you wish to visit, please clear it with him directly and be aware he sleeps in on the mornings. Your prayers have sustained us and we are hopeful that Chase will slowly regain his counts, be able to eat and get his final stem cell transplant. There is no definite time frame but as soon as we know something, we will post. On a side note our youngest son, Cody, turned 16 and passed his driver's test yesterday. I can't believe after 24 years, my car pool days are over...a relief in some ways but a lurking feeling persists, that all my boys are truly 'men' in every sense of the word. I am being tested on 'loving and letting go....' With love and peace today in my heart, xoxo,Kim

February 23, 2009

"RE-ADMISSION"

Chase has chosen to readmit solo at eleven a.m. He will start the chemotherapy tomorrow, as well, and we will take a day at a time. This is a bittersweet time, as Chase has truly enjoyed 'quality of life' during this recent hiatus from inpatient treatment and yet, he is about to face another stint at chemo, third floor ICU, and all that goes with. My heart weighs heavy as we await the inevitable, I pray publically to you God for the miracle of survival hood. Keep Chase in your prayers. xoxo,Kim

February 16, 2009

"More time to enjoy"

Chase has, again, decided to postpone chemotherapy and inpatient admittance for another week. I defer to this decision that is his, and his only, in regard to life choices. I love him so very much and relished the opportunity tonight to celebrate all four boys being together at the dinner table for a traditional meal....God Bless all of you...xoxo, Kim

February 10, 2009

"The light is on"

Whenever the boys have been out and about, the light is ever on and I've invested greatly in new light bulbs as a result of this tradition. Chase has again, decided to prolong chemotherapy and readmission to CHOC for another week. In the meantime, Chase has fished, bowled, boated, and spent major time with friends, including a villa for two nights at the Pelican Hill Resort. His stamina and relentlessness to pursue the ultimate is outstanding. When Chase faces the chemo, it will be his decision, and solely his, and until then I praise each and every day, for the gift of life and adventure....xoxo,Kim

February 02, 2009

"More days together"

Chase has decided to spend a few more days 'living life' and will readmit next Tuesday, rather than this Wednesday. All four boys will be home for this upcoming weekend and we plan on causing a ruckus, just like the good old days....Here's to more adventures!!!! xoxo,Kim

January 27, 2009

"Benjamin Button"

Chase has the maturity and perseverance of an eighty year old....I so admire Chase and want to say how very much I love him and truly feel that Chase has a will like no other human being I have ever met. If he would ever allow me to, I would stare at him for hours in admiration, like those days when a parent has a newborn and as they sleep, you just stare at the miracle of birth and the awe of their true being....There really is nothing like it and the fact that my nineteen year old has made it thus far, from cancer for the last six years is a true miracle. The bone marrow has leukemic cells which explains why the stem cell transplants have not been successful. So, Chase has elected to go inpatient next Wednesday and receive chemotherapy. He has refused to do more cytoxin, which I completely agree with. If the chemo reduces the abnormal cells, Chase will receive a double last dose of stem cells remaining from the donor and we will pray these "super cells" will build and fight the leukemic cells. Chase continues to live life to the fullest and reiterates the wish to stay out of the limelight. The doctors have reminded me of Chase's rights to confidentiality, given his 19 year status. I will respect this and will relinquish my right to control a situation which is beyond mine to control......With faith and love, xoxo,Kim

January 21, 2009

"Living life"

Chase has been very busy doing everything from A to Z, including winning $300 in San Diego at a casino, bowling, movies, boating, fishing and of course, getting blood products and sleeping. He had a phone conference with his doctor today and decided to take a few more days to decide on whether to do additional chemo, at what strength level, duration and specific type of chemo. We will meet next Monday at 11:00 a.m. to discuss Chase's choice and move forward. Out of respect for Chase's privacy, I am keeping the updates at a level of information only and trying to keep my emotions separate. I know you will all understand and I will send out an update next week. Until then, rest assured, Chase has not skipped a beat!!! xoxo,Kim

January 15, 2009

"A Blessed Day"

CHASE WAS RELEASED FOR A FEW DAYS TO COME HOME, RELAX, SLEEP, EAT IN THE COMFORTS OF OUR HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!! Next Tuesday, we will review with the doctor's the newest bone aspiration results from today's procedure. In the meantime, JOZIE will return home tomorrow from Santa Barbara, and Corey will be back here Sunday for a couple days. Chuck, Myrna, Connor and Dillon will get a chance to spend quality time with Chase out of the confines of the hospital. My house will be again filled with the business of life, a dog, people making messes, laundry up the ying yang, buzzing texts and ringing phones, etc. I am going to schedule nothing. I am asking for time to slow down at a pace that allows me to sigh in peace that in the midst of everything going on, we, or more importantly, Chase, will get a reprieve. Of course, there will be boating and fishing stories to be told during the next few days, but in the meantime, say a prayer for the miracle of today. Blessings to all, xoxo, Kim

January 13, 2009

"Update on Chase"

The Bone Marrow Aspiration results were inconclusive and reordered. Results pending by next week. Please no calls at this time. We'll keep you posted. xoxo, Kim

January 07, 2009

"Update on Chase"

Notes - Day 1 Tuesday, January 06, 200911:00 am - I Spoke to Dr. Tourneau on my way in. She said that the infection is getting better. Also that they would do another Bone Marrow Aspiration possibly on Wednesday and the results would take a few days.12:30 pm – Dr. Sender came in to speak to Chase. He mentioned that they were still not sure why he had the pain. He did not think the pain was due to the gall stones. He said that he had only read the reports and not looked at the CT scans yet. He asked Chase what he knew to make sure Chase was aware of the status of the Leuk. Dr. Sender mentioned that it is possible that the Leuk cells are the cause of his pain. He said we need to move sooner than later with a plan. He said that he would speak to the rest of the Team (Neudorf, and Tourneau) after he read the scans himself. He said they may be other types of Chemo regiments to try with Chase.Day 2 - Tuesday, January 07, 2009Dr. Nuedorf was just finishing speaking to Chase when I came back from CVS Pharmacy from across the street. It was 10:30am. All I could get out of Chase was that they are doing the Bone Marrow Asipiration and Spinal tap tomorrow then after that they will know more about what is going on.I spoke to one of the nurses at 11:00am as to the results of the Team’s meeting. She said after they read the films they confirmed what they already saw before. He has an enlarged spleen, gall stones, the bowel infection, a small area on the right side of his chest that could be some collapsed air sacks of the lung in that area which might explain his pain when breathing at times. Dr. Sender does not think the spleen, gall stones, or other stuff is what is causing the pain.

Ok.. now the nurse came in again 11:05, change of plans.. The surgery doctor said that Chase has some fluid built up in his lower abdomen which may be causing the tenderness there. They have to get this taken care of before they move forward so now they are going to do the Spinal and Bone Marrow Aspiration later in the week, like Friday. They are going to give him platelets today and tonight to get his counts up then tomorrow they will drain the fluid and test it. Now is he is back on the no eating or drinking diet to prepare for the surgery tomorrow to drain the fluid. He is sleeping now.. 11:25am - Chuck

"Chase will have surgery tomorrow to remove abdominal fluid before he can get the bone marrow aspiration scheduled for Friday. After that, it will take 72 hours to deliver the outcome and inform Chase as to his quality of life decisions. My cold is better and I am going to be a permanent fixture at CHOC starting tomorrow at 1:47 pm sharp....xoxo,Kim"

January 04, 2009

"Camaraderie"

There may come a time when you are called upon to be a part of something that is bigger than yourself....something that magnifies what you ever thought you could handle....and when that time comes, even if you never thought you could...YOU will...Chase is highly sedated to deal with the pain, which actually has me comforted....Next week, the bone marrow aspiration will occur and after the results, Chase will make his decision on his quality of life options.. In the meantime, I eagerly await a reprieve from this obnoxious cold so I can visit him. The house is ominously quiet, Jozie has remained silent as she witnesses my incessant tears, and I remain in awe of Chase's ability to fight hard in the midst of a disease that is bigger than life itself....God Bless and may Chase's body fight continuously to win more time on this planet.....xoxo, Kim

January 02, 2009

"Happy New Year"

Chase remains hospitalized dealing with three issues: An enlarged spleen, gall stones and a bowel infection. The latter is causing him pain and therefore, he is on fentinal which is keeping him pretty sedated. I pray every day for alleviation from the pain as I can't stand any bit of discomfort for Chase. The bone marrow aspiration has been postponed until the pain factor has diminished. As soon as I have more news, I'll do a post. xoxo,Kim