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Monday, September 20, 2010

20 September 2010

Front and centre: Hey, remember that time we all elected my slob uncle as Mayor of our World Class City? It was a golden time for Hogtown (until we walled it off and bombed it). A lot of people forget exactly what Ford achieved in office, so I'll remind you!

ROB FORD'S MAYORAL ACHIEVEMENTS

Established the annual Fat Guy Convention, which contributes over $20 billion to Toronto's slob-economy

Created thousands of high-paying jobs for guys who forget about getting arrested for drunk driving in Florida on Valentine's Day in the 1990s

Lowered taxes for people who get drunk at hockey games and yell until they get forcibly removed from the hockey games

Opened a state-of-the-art, sound-proof concentration camp for gay guys and drug addicts (built with breathtaking efficiency by Orientals, who work like dogs and are slowly taking over)

Ate all the glucose within the city limits in one sitting

Ate all the children within the city limits in one sitting

Smeared his own excrement along the city's bike lanes to create so-called "brown nightmares" for cyclists

Learned to be a better father to Bart and a better husband to Marge

Gave the key to the city to his drinking buddies

Suffered a record-breaking 69 heart attacks while in office because he actually had no idea what he was doing

Increased municipal spending on condiments by 58%

Changed Toronto's name to "Calgary II"

Made Mel Lastman look like Pierre Trudeau on a particularly witty day

The man's record speaks for itself.

On top of the abomination: The Argonauts beat the Bluebombers 17-13. Also: poker continues to fascinate.

Beneath the abomination: Country Style would like you to eat a breakfast sandwich and win a trip to Historic England. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the world's shittiest time machine!

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Why?

The Toronto Sun is the city of Toronto's most reactionary/hilarious newspaper, with a broad readership that includes everyone from old men who wear track pants and fish in the Don River to young women with Support Our Troops tramp stamps.