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15 May 2014

Mental health awareness week | Depression.

Hello lovelies, a bit of a dark blog post today but I am putting my story towards mental health awareness week, I think depression is still not taken seriously enough and people think that people with depression are being drama queens etc but they have no idea how it feels to walk in our shoes.

Firstly the symptoms.

Persistent low/sad moods.

Loosing interest in the things you usually like doing.

Disturbed sleep compared to your normal pattern.

Poor concentration.

Appetite changes.

Feeling worthless.

Fatigue or loss of energy.

Wanting to die or keep thinking of death.

Reckless behavior.

Unexplained aches and pains.

Anger or irritability.

If a few of those are what's happening to you, you might have depression yourself, one thing I will say before I carry on is not to keep it to yourself, you could end up doing something stupid like I did twice, holding it in only makes matter worse. It doesn't have to be your parents or your best friend, it could be someone you don't know, anyone but letting it out helps that little bit. No one really knows what causes depression, we have an inkling but we can never be too sure. A job could be seriously getting you down, being bullied for a long period of time or short, being abused, financial problems, relationship troubles, alcohol/drug abuse, stress, health problems, family history of depression, anything can get you in that horrible rut of hating yourself and not wanting to be here. There are also different types of depression, Major depression, Mild depression and Bipolar disorder, here is my story with major depression...

Firstly as some of you are aware I was abused as a child by mums second husband and by a bloke in a pub my dad used to drink in on Friday nights, not that that one went on for that long but it still sticks in my mind, like it does when something bad happens to you. I am not going to go on all the ins and out as its pretty painful and I did draft a post a while back but didn't want people to think I was some sort of an attention seeker or wanted pitty. I do not at all, all I want to do is try and forget it all and put it in the past/back of my mind in a black hole, but I think this is why I am messed up in my mind and its easy for people who don't go through suffering and pain to say 'Oh just get over it', 'It's in the past', etc etc. That is mainly ignorance too which really peeves me, I don't know when my depression started I just know growing up after the abuse stopped I always pretty much hated my self, I wasn't the ugliest kid around I had an amazing figure aged 8 to about 19 well its amazing to look back on it now anyway! But I have never been happy with my appearance and I know we all get 'ugly days' and not everyone loves them selves but I hated myself. I would look at myself in the mirror and pray to god every night for the next day to be pretty or I actually remember praying in my next life can I be a model or someone really gorgeous pleaseeee. How sad for a young girl to think those things, I don't know how the mind works at the best of times and you will have to excuse me if non of this makes sense, I am literally just typing up of my mind right now, probably not the wisest decision talking about depression it just brings back horrible memories, but I'll carry on. All of my relationships have been ruined, due to me being so insecure and jealous and some where just idiots but my highest low point started when I was about 16, I had not long moved to Rugeley I had to do my last year in school here and I hated it! I was bullied for going out with someones ex boyfriend, most of the girls jumped on the bully band wagon as I was new and why not pick on the new girl right? Most of them now try and speak to me not knowing when I went home those days I wanted to be gone out of this world, some people are just so cruel. Then after school was all done with I started going to pubs aged 16/17 as I never got asked for identification, it was sweet at the time but I started to go out all the time and drink so much, my mum told me to stop it and control what I'm doing as I'm young etc. My mum has always been really protective over me and never let me go out drinking on the fields like most kids did, go late shopping, go on trains/buses myself etc now your probably wondering how she missed this then? Well the vile man who abused me only did it whilst my mum was at her friends or on bingo nights. As my drinking was getting out of hand, not like I was an alcoholic or anything or dependent on alcohol I just drank way too much than a normal person, I was seeing someone at the time and one day I let it all out what I went through growing up and he forced me to tell my mum, so 17 years of age 10 years after I let it all out but this was purely because she told me he had abused two other girls, this broke my mum and our tight bond too to be honest, she made me go to the police and I went through it all again for nothing! The case got dropped for not enough evidence so that made me feel even more low about myself thinking people didn't believe me and the scumbag got away with it. After this I was in and out of relationships wrecking them all, I was living a reckless lifestyle but not like drugs etc, I'd never touch them I just drank and hurt people I cared about, there was times I wouldn't eat for a couple of weeks, I was just ruining my life. I finally felt happier, so I thought, with someone when I was about 18/19 he was so good looking I thought why the hell is he with me? This must be a bet or something but I know he loved me but I ruined it with my insecurities thinking he was cheating on me, if he didn't pay me any attention I thought he didn't like me and the more he didn't speak to me for a day or two the more these stupid thoughts were going around in my head then one day I find myself in his kitchen rooting through his cupboards and getting all the paracetamol out, I took a handful and slammed the cupboard door, he must have heard as he shot out of bed into the kitchen, I was leaning up against the door not letting him in but he was quite big and muscly and plowed through the door knocking me over with all these tablets, what did he do next? He strangled me to get the tablets out of my mouth, took all the pills and literally ran away! I stupidly ran after him, no idea why looking back now and found him in this massive field, it was pitch black and he ran behind me and squeezed me so tight crying how could you do this and be so selfish, now I'm thinking I don't know?! I told him my past but he never understood me, things got rockier after that but we stayed together then he started to pay me less attention and I started going out again, I started speaking to this lad and he just completely understood me it felt like I knew him for ages so I finished it with that Ex and started dating this other dude, I won't mention names as it could get a bit embarrassing. Any way this other dude I got on really well with but realised I liked him more as a friend than a boyfriend so that week relationship was over, again in and out of relationships then I got with Dan (my current partner), this bloke has been trying to get with me since I was 18! He had a girlfriend at the time/weekend shag, whichever you prefer but I have morals I said no, plus he wasn't my type at all, he kept asking me for years and I think he finally gave up until I worked in another bar he got his mate to ask me out! He was single so I thought I will give the guy a chance and go on a date with him, it went well but I still wasn't 'in' to him then a couple weeks past I seen him out and I decided to give him another chance, everything went so well for the first year then I started to feel down again, I was in the worst job ever waitressing for some tosser boss who was vile, Dan was going out at weekends and not returning! This had my mind on over drive and all my worthlessness came flooding back and this time I had never felt so low in my life, I was down for weeks. I decided to tell my mum how I felt and she recommended I went to the doctors, they said immediately I was depressed and got me some anti depressants, these didn't work at all for me (they can take up to a month) they offered me guidance and someone to talk to, but this didn't help me either I just thought she was judging me or asking me ridiculous questions so that stopped and one day after a massive argument with Dan to top everything off I went in the back garden with as many pills as I could find and nailed them, I can't remember how many now as I was pretty out of it when Dan came home from work early! He found me laying on the ground with all these empty pill packets and all I can remember is him dragging me to the ambulance and me shouting 'Leave me alone, I don't want to be here anymore, I wan't to go'. Then I remember being in hospital drinking this vile charcoal drink and getting tests done, Dan was shouting at me and rang my mum who also wasn't very happy with me either. Dan went and I can't even remember who took me home that day it might have been my dad, I'm not too sure. After all that Dan said he needed a break and this was tearing me apart, I didn't want to be here anymore but I didn't want to be without him either, my mum said St.Georges where going to get me everyone told me how selfish I was etc and Dan thought I didn't love him because I tried to kill myself but this is what people don't understand when you are so low and you hate yourself, you just want to go and you don't think about the people your leaving behind, all you have in your mind is I want to be gone. After a week Dan met up with me and he wanted me back and I got back on track, by myself and his sturn words, looking back I thought he was an arsehole being so hard on me but if he wasn't I probably wouldn't be here right now, he was been my rock and I am so lucky he stood by me. That massive essay is finished I could bore you to tears for ages!

I was very lucky to have Dan but he still doesn't understand my past and how it has effected me, his way in life is to move on and leave the past where it is, as much as I would love to do that and have a memory wipe I sadly cant, my past is always eating away at me in the back of my mind and makes me hate myself and my appearance every single day, but do you know the one thing that has made me stronger than ever and gave me the will to carry on and fight every single day? My son! Oscar born September 19th 2012 9lb and 7 oz turned my whole life around, since having Oscar I have never had one of those says where I want to kill myself, don't get me wrong I have bad days and I still have low self esteem but I'm slowly working on loving myself, having Oscar did make me feel lower on the weight front as I thought I was fat when I was a size 10/12 now being a 16, yeah thats pretty bad in my eyes and making me try and dodge every mirror I can but I am battling with loosing that every week, I will loose weight soon! But being happy is my main aim and making sure Oscar has a happy mummy and life of his own, my boyfriend has been a massive rock and my mum when she can, we can never talk about the past as it hurts her thinking she was a rubbish mum, not that any of it was her fault but I'm sure I'd feel the exact same way. My best friend Jess is always there for me too when I need to let of steam, I don't know what I'd do without these people. Some people aren't as lucky as me though and have family or friends to talk to and battle with all this by themselves, I felt lonely even surrounded by people who love me but your just in a dark place, like a grey cloud is over you always and you struggle to find happiness in anything and doubt yourself always. I admit I was selfish, you don't understand the pain you cause people when your in that state but it is selfish, think of all the people your leaving behind who love you and would do anything for you. There are people who fight for there lives daily and we try and take ours within minutes, everyone is different with depression, anti depressants might help you, a concilor may help you or just talking to anyone might help you, but there are ways of fighting back and not ending your life.

Getting yourself in a rut, staying in bed, being anti social all the time will only make you worse not better, as hard as it is you have to fight at the early stages or you will do something you will regret. Speak to someone, go to the doctors its all confidential, I know you might feel embarrassed at first but doctors don't judge you they just try to help you, you can even ring Samaritans or look at help online. I am here if you ever want a chat, I am such a good listener and I think give good advice, but I never seem to take my own or I'd be pretty happy all the time, seek professional support, try managing your stress, quit the job that's making you miserable, change your eating habits, making healthy lifestyle changes, build on your emotional skills and challenging negative thought patterns, these can help to start with. Ignore the ignorant people to depression they have no idea what you are going through, at the end of the day the only person who understands what you are going through is yourself and we are the only people that can save ourselves with the help of our loved ones and others around us but no one can help if you keep it to yourself, open up and get your self on to recovery.

If it wasn't for my son and Dan I don't know where I'd be right now and the over whelming support I get of my blogging friends daily is unbelievable. I started blogging as an outlet and it's one of the best things I ave ever done, I find it hard to make friends as I can't trust a lot of people but the community in blogging is a beautiful thing and I am so grateful for the people I have met, you're all amazing. Don't be embarrassed if you have or had depression, think of the person you are today and the shit you went through in life only makes you a stronger person! This is not my full story as I would be here forever but main parts.

A huge well done if you got through all of that I bet you're glad its over, but as it is mental health awareness I think more people should be aware of depression and how serious it really is and be aware next time you say 'I'm so depressed' are you really? My email is at the side of my blog if you ever want to talk, I am always here, my next post will be more up beat I promise :)

12 comments
:

Hi Paige, what an inspiring post. I suffered from depression from a young age because of family problems and I have not been brave enough to do this. No one could understand why I felt this way and for years I struggled until I met my husband and have been happier ever since, (minus those down days) but it wasn't until the end of my pregnancy and the start of problems with in-laws that my symptom's had returned including panic attacks. For nearly a year I struggled, anti depressants and speaking out didn't work for me but I helped myself taking each day as it came and actually I found putting the past behind me helped a lot as crazy and hard as it sounds and was. Maybe the time will come when I will be able to put pen to paper and write about my relationship with Depression. I agree people need to be made aware of what depression is and how they can help friends and family. Thank you for your post :)

Thank you so much Pinar! I think you have to fight it yourself at the end of the day its all in our minds and only we can fix it and make ourselves better. I am glad you are feeling much better too xxxxxx

Wow! You are so brave for writing this and an inspiration for people with mental health issues to seek help and be more open about it, this is why I love your blog! Your so honest and open and relatBle to a lot of people x

This is such an inspiring post, I'm proud of you for writing it Paige. I'm sorry you've had to go through those things, but I'm glad you're still here now. I don't want to personally talk about some of the things I've been through relating to this, maybe because I'm not ready yet I'm not sure. However, I do still think raising awareness on mental health is still so important, so thank you for doing this post.

I find that not only writing, but publishing everything I feel and think on my blog really helps to let go and put it to rest, because I can reflect back on it without it being stuck in my head, if that makes sense?

Really enjoyed reading this, don't let what you think other people might say put you off sharing, you would be surprised just how lovely and supportive people can be!

So brave of you Paige to print your story, I hope it helps you feel better putting it out there. My dad was abused as a youngster and suffered horrible depression for most of my childhood,it is a awful thing and I am glad you get support from your blogging.xwww.naomitalksbeauty.com

This post is so inspiring, I suffer with depression and have done since I was about 14, nothing worse then feeling like your alone. Hope you found it helps writing about it. xxstephaniejayne-xo.blogspot.co.uk

I'm a 27 year old blogger who writes about her life and all the things I like or not so much like in it. You can find me curled up in front of Netflix, bathing in a hot bubble bath or playing toys with my gorgeous children, I also love long walks up the chase and date nights with my fiancé. Oh and lots of coffee. You may have seen me on BEACH BODY SOS MTV.