Malia Beter – Real Estate Agent from Mililaui, Hawaii. I definitely will require her help when I purchase my next home.

Carl Sneed – Student from Richmond, Virginia. He states that competition is his middle name. I’d hate my parents if they named me that.

The gang makes their way through the desert and meets up with host Joe Rogan by the side of a road. He welcomes them, goes over the rules, and shows them the first stunt:

Swingers
Two semi trucks move down the road side by side. Contestants must use a rope to swing from the top of one truck to the other, transferring as many flags as possible before running out of road. The 2 men and 2 women that collect the most flags will move on.

Melanie is up first, and no one gives her a chance in hell. Malia states that she’s on the wrong show and should be on “Top Model”. Meow. I’m bummed, this isn’t a water stunt. What were the producers thinking? Mel gets ready, takes off, and gives a pathetic performance. She barely jumps with enough force to reach the other truck, and runs out of road with no flags. She is immediately sent down the walk of shame, only to return if the other women do as bad as that.

Joe adds a thousand dollar incentive to whichever one of the remaining ladies better.

Fabiola is next, and says she’ll spend the money in Vegas if she wins. Party girl…nice! She gets going and struggles at first. On the second pass she’s able to get 3 before running out of road.

Malia finishes up for the ladies. She starts off bad as well, but is able to get 1 on the first pass. She gets 2 more on the second pass and finishes with 3. Malia does it faster than Fabiola and wins the grand.

Carl is first for the guys. He starts off with 3 on the first pass, and picks up another 3 on the second to finish with 6 flags.

Jason is next, and has somehow come to the conclusion that San Diego is tougher than Virginia. After that awful bit of trash talk, he takes off. Jason only manages 1 on the first pass, and another 2 on the second for a total of 3.

Dave finishes for the guys. Joe asks about his tattoos, and Dave says that he was in the Gulf War and went over with only one and decided to cover himself while he was there. He gets going, gets 2 on the first pass, and another 3 on the second for a total of 5. That’s enough to send Jason packing.

The remaining 4 head downtown to a donut shop where Joe is standing behind the counter.

Kreepy Kreme
Contestants must choose and eat 2 donuts from the display. The donuts all look the same, but there are 5 different fillings: pig’s blood, rotten squid, stink beetles, worms, and plain old jelly. They must also wash them down with a tall glass of curdled milk. They will each have 10 minutes, and everyone that finishes their donuts and milk will move on.

Malia is up first, and picks out her 2 donuts as Joe pours her a glass of milk. He also has the “Official Fear Factor Chuck Bucket” on hand. She grabs a donut and takes a big bite to reveal the squid. She has a tough time with the first bite, and tries to wash it down with the milk, but that looks to make it worse. She tries really hard, but is moving way too slow. She doesn’t even finish the first one and runs out of time.

Fabiola is next and picks out her two. She goes for the milk first, using the “pinch the nose” technique and fights to keep down a few mouthfuls. She then bites into the first donut and finds stink beetles. The bugs start to escape as she struggles to keep it down, she’ll have to catch them and eat them too if she wants to advance. All this proves to be too much for the little Brazilian, and she quits halfway through her first one.

Dave steps up and chooses a couple. He takes a sip of milk and bites into a worm filled donut. He has all sorts of trouble with that first bite and ends up quitting right away.

Carl finishes this stunt, and Joe informs him that if he completes this he’ll win 25 grand right here. He picks two and bites into pig’s blood. He doesn’t seem to be having too much trouble with it, and downs it rather quickly. He bites into #2 and finds stink beetles. He keeps them from getting away and finishes that one too. He grabs the milk, and polishes that off too to win 25 thousand dollars.

Malia, Fabiola and Dave are brought back to compete with Carl for the remaining 25 grand in the final stunt. They walk along a bridge and find Joe in a vacant lot. He explains the amended rules to them and shows them the final stunt:

Long Walk Off a Short Plank
A square structure is suspended over 100 feet above the ground. Contestants must transfer flags from one side to the other using a series of narrow beams ranging in size from 6, 12, and 18 inches wide. Each time they use a beam it will fall away, leaving fewer beams to complete the stunt. The contestant that gets the most flags the fastest before falling will win the other 25 grand. Carl, being the only person to complete the last stunt, gets to pick the order.

Dave is chosen first, and the ladies thank Carl. Dave takes off and chooses the route in the middle and makes it across to pin his first flag. He grabs the next flags and starts back along the far side, makes it back and pins his second flag. He takes the last flag down the near side and pins it in a time of 1:04.

Fabiola is chosen next. She begins and runs straight off the beam. That was bad. Real bad. Buh bye…again.

Malia is next and goes to the far end and makes it across. She is moving slower than Dave as she comes back through the middle. She pins the second flag but is running out of time as she heads down the near side. She finishes in a time of 1:16. Sorry hon.

Carl steps up to claim the rest of “his money”. He takes off along the near side, makes it down, clips the flag, and heads back down the far side. He clips that flag and hurries down the middle, as the clock disappears, and pins the last flag. We have to wait until he gets back over to Joe & Dave to find out that Carl’s time was 1:03. One frickin’ second! It has to suck to be Dave.