I am about to start these hormone blockers and it sounds all well in good, I mean as I write it, it sounds like no big deal, sure uncomfortable at best, but I am already getting hourly hot flashes so how much worse could they be?? Well that depends, have you googled Zoladex or Tamoxifen? I would say, no, most of you have not. I don’t recommend it. Unless you have to start taking them of course (and even then, the less you know, the less time you have to obsess about the possible side effects). There are so many damn side effects that I just had to shut down my browser and give up! I mean chemo had side effects (Yes, I know I’ve heard, nothing will be as bad a chemo), but at least with chemo there was an end game a few months out, I will be on these for the next 5 years! WTF is that?I am freaking out reading all the message boards about them too (sometimes helpful and scary at the same time).

But what's the alternative, keep living a healthy life and pray the cancer (the estrogen sensitive cancer, do you know how many things effect estrogen in the body?) doesn’t return? That doesn’t sound like a plan I can live with. I know I have it better than some women I read about, but really there is no, “upside” or “not so bad” part of cancer, don't get it twisted. The medications can kill you, but SO CAN THE CANCER. It can also SAVE YOUR LIFE. So, the mood swings, joint pain, hot flashes, fatigue, dizzy spells (to name a few), will be dealt with, like I have dealt with everything up until this point. I have to remind myself because sometimes I forget that these drugs are here to save me (even when they hurt). There is no more, “Oh if I do this for sure I won’t get cancer,” I tried that and still got cancer duh! Now it’s more like, “No we don’t know what caused your cancer, but we can guess that it’s best to not do x,y,z, so your system stays as cancer free as possible . . . so you live a long life, PAUSE - a longer life then I would if it comes back, is what they really mean.

Why do the hormones worry me so much you may ask? I am scared that is will alter my way of being so much that I won’t know what to do with myself. I know that I will have to work extra hard to keep my health (mental, emotional and physical) in check. It’s the lack of control. The same control which was an illusion anyways? Yes, the same one.

Somewhere today a doctor said to someone, “There is nothing else we can do for you, you should get your affairs in order,” that is why I take the meds. I never want to be on the receiving end of that conversation if I can help it. I am frustrated that I have to take these medications and it may have adverse effects to which I won’t know until they’ve already happened. But what I do know is, they give me better chance that the cancer won’t return. After all there is no cure, remember.

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