Music

Category: Dating

Love isn’t an act, it’s a whole life. It’s staying together because you need each other. It’s knowing that you two will still care after sex and dreams, fights and future, when all that’s left with was done. It’s you at 76 and him at 80, both listening out for each other’s footstep in the next room, both afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, would mean that a lifetime’s talk is over.

I hope you’re happier now. I hope you’re happier and that it really was good riddance to you that he left. Sometimes I wonder how someone can praise a person they love so intensely when they’re in love, only for him to become the most terrible person on earth once the relationship ends. But then I realized, it doesn’t matter.

I hope you’re happier now. I hope you know that your existence has hurt me deeply, and so have your actions. Maybe that will make you happier, and if so, I will tell that to you. Yes you’ve hurt me, and I wished I’ve never known all that I do. But I’ve learnt to let it all go and not allow you to affect me any further. I hope you do too.

I hope you’re happier now. Because it’s time to move on and live your life happily. If it really was good riddance, good on you, because you’ve finally found someone else who knows how to treat you better. I hope he treats you well. I hope he mends the scars on your heart. I hope he treats you as how you think you deserve. Because that’s all that matters. I hope you do well in life, and I hope you’re happier now. Because I am.

And then there are those days when you realize that love isn’t all fairytales and butterflies. It isn’t all Disney, where happily ever after exists with the perfect man of your dreams. There will be flaws in your partner, just like there are flaws in you. And when you’re thinking about how your partner should do better at this, you should also be thinking about how you can be better at another. And maybe love really isn’t that easy. It takes constant effort to be kind and patient with each other. And maybe, just maybe, by being a little kinder and more patient with each other, that can take us, step by step, a little further, into this so called future we speak so cautiously about.

I would say, “I bought this because I was thinking of you”. But if I had to buy something everytime I thought of you, I would have to buy the whole of all the paths I cross. I would have to buy the roads, the road signs, the lamp post. The bus, the trains, the people. The sky, the moon, the stars. I’ve missed you my dear.

There are happy times. A lot of happy times. We laugh, we have plenty of fun, and we are always very happy together. There is almost never a dull moment.

But it wasn’t just the happy times that I felt like I was in love. It wasn’t the exciting moments that made me realize that I was in love. I knew that I really like this person, but love; that is a whole new ball game. It can be easy to mistake love as many other things, such as happiness, infatuation and even lust. But that one day it struck me and I knew that it wasn’t just that.

How ironic, but what made loving him so apparent was the unhappiness and arguments we had. I did not want to run away from the disagreements, but instead I felt that I wanted to face any sh*t that came in our way, as long as it was with him.

It might have been because he was always so ready to share his thoughts with me, and I’ve never had that with anyone else. It is different this time. I felt like he wanted to conquer the world and its problems with me, and so did I. We had a good (or should I say compatible) system to communicate our problems, and that made me feel that we could take on the world together. Come what may, we can and will fight together, and be there for each other.

That very first time when we had our disagreements, amidst all the tears, there was a weird sense of comfort that it was him I was doing this with. There was a sense of home when I leaned on his chest. And when he wrapped his arms around me, I knew that this was it. I am in love, and wherever we are headed to, as long as with him, I know we’ll make it.

No matter how hard I battle against my current, I’m going to wear my heart pinned to my sleeve, and all of my emotions rainbow-painted on my face. Always. At first, I am going to be careful. I am going to pay close attention to your actions. Are you kind? Are you thoughtful? Are you really listening to me? I’m going to wait for you to show me that I am not another round of checkers to you. Once I decide I like you, I’m going to tell you that I like you, loudly, and I’m not going to mask those feelings. Ever. I don’t care if it’s too soon, or if I say it first, I’m going to be open and honest with you. Sometimes, there are words I will find myself unable to say, but I’m going to show you them instead. I’m going to share with you my secrets, my fears, my hopes, and the craziest of my dreams. I’m going to slowly reveal all of me. Even the parts of me that I sometimes struggle to love myself. I’m not worried what you’ll think of me, because I know that if I’m the girl who’s meant for you, you will take my crazy… and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find it endearing. I’m going to kiss you, soft and romantically, hard and intensely, slowly and passionately. I’m going to kiss you each day, before you wake in the morning, and every evening, before we say our goodnights. And I’m going to kiss you like we’re the only two people on this earth in that moment, because for me, we will be. I’m going to trust that you would never do anything to hurt me, and that anything you say or do that does unintentionally cause me pain, is coming from a place of good, a place of you wanting me to be the best possible version of myself that I can be. I’m going to love you all the more for challenging me like this. I’m going to always have your back, for I am fiercely loyal, and I’m expecting you to have mine. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and trust in you, because that’s the only way I know how to be. I’m going to believe you when you tell me something; anything, because I have chosen to believe in us. I’m going to tell the world how deeply I feel for you, for I have never been a girl who likes to deal in secrets. I won’t overshare though. All of the most beautiful details will remain within the poppy fields of you & me. Because there are some things that should be kept just for us. It will take time and patience, but when I decide I’m ready to share with you my body, know that I will also be sharing my heart and my soul. I am not someone who could ever give you one without the other. At first, I’m going to give you my heart with caution, because I’m afraid of collecting any more permanent scars. I’m going to hold your heart with the tenderness that I hope you will choose to hold mine. I’m going to love you, with all that I have to give. Every day from now. I’m going to let you in, all of the way, where no one has ever journeyed before. It’s more delicate and vulnerable there than I can begin to fathom. Once I let you in, for me it will be forever. I know that forever scares a lot of us, but I’ve never been one to scare easy. Forever is a promise, a commitment; a journey that I have patiently been waiting to go on. And I’m going to wait for this journey with you.

To you, to the one who loved me like no one ever did, and possibly like no one ever will, to the amazing you, thank you and I’m sorry. This is my apology letter, one that should’ve been written long ago, but I didn’t have the courage to.

Thank you for loving me. I am sorry for all that I did which hurt you; it was never my intentions.

I guess I got caught up with all the anger and discontent, I forgot to treat you right, to treat you like how you deserve.

And I am sorry for not being able to love you the way you loved me.

Now, I see that there is someone in your life, and with my deepest sincerity, I am happy for you. Very happy for you. I am glad you found someone who can make you happy, and shower you with the love you deserve.

I hope that she is better than I was, and that she knows better how to love you. I hope that she is warm, and gentle. Because you deserve so much more.