Pages

How to Reclaim Your Couch

Darren over at Problogger is hosting a group writing project and giving away a prize of $1001 bucks. Can you imagine how much damage I could do at the Frog Pond Holler dollar store with that much cash??? So after careful consideration, here is my "Top 5" list:

Mahala's Top 5 Ways to Get Your Recently Graduated College Student Off the Couch

5. Hide the t.v. remote. This doesn't always work, especially if there happens to be a Spongebob Squarepants marathon on. They can watch that crap for hours.

4. Run to the window and point. Say that there's a horse and carriage trotting up the road (it has happened here) and that the guy driving it looks like Viggo Mortensen. As she flees to the window, squealing with delight, dive on the couch and make it your own. By doing this, you risk being pelted with mini Hershey bars when she discovers your misleading lie, but hey, it's a chance you have to take.

3. Place a fake hairy spider on the arm rest. The screams will be deafening, but at least she'll move. If you can convince her that the spider had an entire family living in the couch, it'll be yours forever.

2. Hire an electrician to render the electrical outlet beside the couch, where she plugs in her laptop, inoperable. An expensive option, but no one said this was going to be cheap.

1. Lounge around the house "commando".. you know.. without granny panties.. and when she gets all grossed out by it, imply that you've been wallering all over her precious couch in the nude the entire time she's been away at college. If that doesn't quite do the trick, you can always say you had an affair with the snaggle toothed Slowboy from up the road, the one that mows for a living and has no intimate knowledge of a bar of soap, meeting him for late afternoon trysts, tossing the couch cushions in the floor and using them as a mattress. She'll get off the couch, but the resulting psychotherapy may be a little expensive.