Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Week 27, Day 184 - "Disco Heaven"

“Disco Heaven”Written by Joe Janes7/21/09184 of 365

CASTAlan, 40sNina, 40s

(Lights up on Alan sitting in a chair. He is by himself off to the side and looks a little confused. He wears a tuxedo and “Happy New Year” paper hat. Nina enters on the other side of the stage. As she opens the door she’s entering from, we hear disco music. It silences when she closes the door.)

NINA

Alan?

ALAN

Yes?

NINA

Come on over here and have a seat. I have a few questions.

(Alan does what he’s told because he really doesn’t see any reason to do much of anything else.)

ALAN

I’m not sure how I got here.

NINA

Well, we still have to process you, so wherever you might think you are, you’re not there yet.

(He sits and Nina sits across from him.)

ALAN

Where am I?

NINA

You have no idea?

ALAN

Am I dead?

NINA

You’re alive. Your body’s dead. Your soul is here.

ALAN

How-

NINA

But let’s not get bogged down in all the ethereal details. A lot of people die every day and there’s a lot of work for me to do.

ALAN

Is this heaven?

NINA

No.

ALAN

Oh, no. Oh, no. Masturbation! All that self-pleasuring. I knew it was no good for me. Is it too late to ask for forgiveness?

(Nina gets up and moves towards the door.)

NINA

Alan. (She opens the door and we hear the disco music again.) This is heaven. (She closes it and crosses to the other side of the stage and opens a door. We hear muffled dialogue and some soundtrack music.) This is hell. Eternities of listening to your neighbor loudly watch an endless stream of films starring stand-up comedians. (She closes that door and comes back into the room) This (indicates the room) is neither heaven nor hell. We’re going to determine if we can get you from that seat into one of those two rooms. And, yes, it is too late to ask for forgiveness. You’re dead. You missed your window of opportunity. But if I kept people out for playing with themselves, heaven would be a very lonely place, don’t you think? Are we clear?

ALAN

Um, okay. Sure. I’m game. Let’s do this. What do I have to do to get into heaven?

NINA (sitting)

I just need to ask you a few questions. Get to know you a bit. Aside from chronic masturbation, what other interests do you have?

ALAN

Interests?

NINA

Yes.

ALAN

Well, I love the Bible. Just love it. Great read. All those thee's, thou's, begats and begots. Love the church. All the kneeling and praying and wine drinking. If I could go to church seven days a week, I would…have.

NINA

Alan. I need you to be honest in this process. Don’t tell me things that aren’t true because you think I want to hear them.

ALAN

Okay. Point taken. I help the homeless.

NINA

How do you help the homeless?

ALAN

By not disturbing them.

NINA

Alan. What do you do for fun?

ALAN

Fun?

NINA

Yes. Fun. What does Alan do to have a good time?

ALAN

Other than-?

NINA

Yes. Other than.

ALAN

Well, you can see by how I’m dressed that I like to party.

NINA

Alan. Your body was found alone in your studio apartment. You died trying to heat up a can of Cheez-Whiz on the stove while rocking with Ryan Seacrest on the tube.

ALAN

I died in my quest for warm cheese.

NINA

Yes. And it doesn’t sound like you were having a lot of fun.

ALAN

To get into heaven, I need to prove to you that I can have a good time?

NINA

The only real mortal sin is boredom.

ALAN

What about murder?

NINA

That’s still bad, but boredom trumps murder. If you had bored someone to death, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Heaven is forever. We want people we can hang with and enjoy. Not people who shut themselves up in their room and whack off. Those people to hell. And there’s no porn in hell.

ALAN

No porn in hell? That doesn’t seem right.

NINA

It does if you want people to not have a good time. The only thing to masturbate to in hell is the muffled voice of Rob Schneider.

ALAN

I’m a fun guy.

NINA

You’re not convincing me. You worked eight-to-ten hour days doing data entry, ate lunch out of vending machines alone in the employee break room, ate frozen entrees for dinner. Spent your evenings watching television with the remote in one hand and your genitalia in the other.

ALAN

But my weekends-

NINA

More television, more masturbating, less work. Heaven is a party. You have all the earmarks of a buzz kill. I’m afraid-

ALAN

Wait. Wait. Give me another chance. I…I…I-I-I-I…do…impressions.

NINA

You do impressions?

ALAN

Yes. All the time. Around the apartment. I never did them for anybody, but they really crack me up. I think people will enjoy it.