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Okay where was I

Oh yeahPRINCESSESHOW COULD I FORGETso yeah there’s three princesses rightthey’re all pretty blisteringly hotbut there is one princessthe youngest one actuallywho is SO HOTthat she gives boners to the SUNseriously that is part of the story that is not an embellishmentbut yeah apparently there’s not much to do when you’re a princessso the only thing this chick has to amuse herself withis a ball made out of solid goldthat she repeatedly chucks up in the air and then catchesshe doesn’t even play catch with her sisterspresumably they have their own gold ballsand they are all just chilling out in different parts of the palacethrowing balls at the ceilingthat is what you do when you are a princessthis myth makes me happy I’m broke

anyway one day youngest mcprincess is hanging out by some little pondplaying her sad sad game of solitaire catchwhen she fucks up and drops the ball into the waterand this pond may be littlebut it is deeper than a mineshaft full of philosophersbitch is not getting that ball back

OR IS SHEsee she’s sitting there cryinglouder and louder and LOUDERwhen suddenly she hears someone be like alright fuck fine what do you wantand she turns around and BOOM THERE’S A FROGA TALKING GODDAMN FROGand surprisingly her first response is not to freak the fuck outher first response is to explain the problem to himat which point he’s like pshgrabbin’ balls is what I DOI’ll totally get your stupid toy for you but you gotta promise me somethingand the princess is like ANYTHINGYOU CAN HAVE MY CROWN OR MY BEADS OR MY DRESS OR WHATEVERand the frog is like hm while i would like to see you nakedi think i’m going to make you promise to be my best friend foreverlike i get to eat with youand sleep in your bedand we will be superpals it will be so greatand the princesswho doesn’t know the meaning of friendship because she is functionally an only childis like SURE I PROMISE

so the frog dives down to the bottom of the pond and grabs the ballbrings it back upgives it to the princessand then the princess is like GREAT AWESOME BYEand runs away before the frog can stop hernot that a frog could ever actually stop a person from doing anythingbut you understand what i mean

anyway she gets back home and she’s eating dinner when suddenly someone starts knocking on the doorall like HEY PRINCESSHEY YOUNGEST PRINCESSIT WOULD BE EASIER FOR ME TO CALL OUT FOR YOU IF YOU HAD A FUCKING NAMEand the princess goes to the door and HOLY SHIT IT’S THE FROGshe’s like FUCK HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOCK ON THIS DOOR GO AWAYand then she slams the door and goes back to dinnerand her dad is like who was thatand the princess is like oh it’s just some frog who can talkand the king is like oh well that’s reasonablebut so the frog is outside like fuckhow do i get inside this castle to be with my sworn best friend(the frog also does not understand how friendship works)but then he’s like OHI KNOWI WILL BUST SOME RHYMESYO CHECK IT OUTA PROMISE IS A PROMISE AND YOU MADE ONE, SEENOW YOU BOUT TO GET SERVED LIKE A MAITRE’DHOW BOUT SOME RESPECT NOW FOR SAVING YOUR BAUBLEI BET THAT IT’S NOT THE ONLY BALL THAT YOU GOBBLEand the king is like hmsome sick flowsI give them a B+let the frog in

so the frog comes hopping in and he’s like yo princessare you gonna stand there being a bitch all dayor are you gonna put me up on the table and let me get my grub onand the princess is like I am kind of digging the bitch optionand the king is like I WILL NOT HAVE YOU DISRESPECTING A RHYMESMITH OF HIS CALIBERso the frog gets put on the table and he eats a bunch of the princess’s foodand then he’s like oh man i’m pretty tiredhow about we go sleep in your bedand the princess is like EW EW FROGS IN MY BEDand the king is like I DID NOT RAISE YOU TO NOT SLEEP WITH RAPPERSso the princess carries the frog to her roomand puts him down in the cornerand gets into bedand the frog hops up to her bed like yohow about a little of that bed action for meor i could tell your dad that you have no appreciation for my delirious lyricsand the princess is like APPRECIATE THISand then DASHES HIS BRAINS OUT ON THE FUCKING WALLHOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENEDWHERE DID IT ALL GO WRONGno wait it’s okaybecause instead of dyingthis random burst of violence turns the frog into a FUCKING GORGEOUS PRINCEWEREN’T YOU WONDERING WHERE ALL THE PRINCES WERE AT?THEY WERE INSIDE THE FROG ALL ALONGand then it turns out the prince’s whole royal entourage is on the way right nowto pick him up because he was under a curse and now it is brokenand also he marries the princessand then his entourage shows uplead by a dude name Iron Heinrichthat’s rightIRON HEINRICHthey saved that shit for the very endthe reason he’s called Iron Heinrich is because when his master got froggedhe became SO UPSETthat he worried his heart was ACTUALLY GOING TO EXPLODEand when you are a motherfucker like Iron Heinrich you can take out a small township with one well placed heart explosionit was a serious problemso what was his solution?aspirin?NO ASSHOLEHE NAILED THREE METAL BANDS AROUND HIS HEART TO KEEP IT IN LINETHREEMETALBAAAAAAAANDSand as he’s driving the prince away from the palaceto some other palacethere’s this huge breaking soundand the prince is like OH FUCK WAS THAT THE CARRIAGEand Iron Heinrich is like NOIT’S MY HEARTBREAKING THE IRON BANDS I NAILED TO ITRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAthen he runs up a mountain and punches the sun right in its boner

so the moral of the storyis try to brutally murder every frog you come acrossbecause one of them is bound to be a princeand then you can totally cheat on him with his unbelievably manly carriage driver

Shirts are in the mail!if you preordered a crossdressing shirtmake sure to dig around in your envelope for your thank you notethey are handcrafted and dripping with organic gratitude

SO GRETTIR THE STRONG

he is the dude who steals fire punches kids in the headand for some reason has a really bad reputation in NorwayAND NOW HE’S AT IT AGAIN

so it’s around christmastimeand Grettir shows up at the house of some dude named Einarhe’s all yo dude lemme crash in your houseand Einar is all i’d rather not I hear you are a wanted criminal who punches orphansand Grettir is like whoa dudethat sounds like something an orphan would saymy orphan punching arm is getting kind of itchyand einar is like I made a pile of all the bedstake themdo whatever you want with them

so but actually this ends up turning out pretty well for Einarbecausein the words of this saga:“in many parts of norway at this timeoutlaws and criminals would suddenly appear”that’s rightthis is the period of Norweigan history that inspired Gauntlet: Legendsso everyone is just chilling outgoing about their businesswhen BAMCRIMINALSWHERE DID THEY COME FROM?WHO KNOWSTHERE’S PROBABLY A GLOWING SHED ABOUT THIRTY FEET UPHILLCONSTANTLY SPAWNING THESE FUCKERS(if you have never played gauntletlet me explain it real quickit is basically a thing you can spend an infinite amount of time onthat contains absolutely no funsort of like mashed potatoesit’s rad having a big bowl of mashed potatoes at dinner with all your brosbut when you are eating mashed potatoes alone in the dark at 2AM there is a problemanyway I have a copy of it for the PS2 if anyone wants to buy it)so these criminals have names pretty surebut i’m not picking up the book to look them upit doesn’t matter because (SPOILER ALERT) they dielet me explain to you how that happens because that is surely the most excellent part of this myth

ok so this brigand rolls up with his posselike yo Einarword on the street is that your wife has a vaginaand I was just telling my crew the other dayvaginas are my bread and butterand I’ve already fucked all my bread and butter to pieces so how about that vaginaand Einar is like now normally I would say yesbut only if you were asking me a completely different question about something elseand this brigand is like ok well option twoI stab your face offand Einar is like these are not great options you are giving mei think I need to consult with my resident badassHEY GRETTIRand grettir is like wutI was just about to go see if I could steal honey from some beesmaybe kick some bears in the nutsnothing terrible has happened to me recently I think i’m losing my edgeand Einar is like no time for that what should I do about Mister Mcstabberson here?and Grettir is like oh him?dude whatever just ignore him he’ll go awayand Einar is like by go away do you mean stab my face offat which point the dude is like T MINUS TEN SECONDS TO STABOFFand Grettir is like dude chill outwe are not fighting dudesare are all real groovy pacifists or whateverand the berserker is all like I bet I could kick your assand grettir is like“What is tested is known”which is the Medieval Norse equivalent of“That is not what your mom said last night”and the berserker for some reason gets the idea that Grettir is stallingso he does what any reasonable person would do in this situationhe starts EATING HIS SHIELDhe just basically stuffs the edge of his shield as far into his mouth as he canand gives it a taste of the ol’ tongue tornado if you know what I meanif you know what I mean you’re a fucking pervert and I am not letting you near my shieldsanyway this is the moment Grettir has been waiting for I guess?because he just walks over to the berserkerchecks him out for a secondthen SIDEKICKS THE SHIELD THROUGH HIS FACEand then as if that wasn’t enoughhe grabs what’s left of the dude’s headpulls him off his horsesteals his swordand then decapitates him with itall in the space of like three secondsat which point the dude’s homies realize they are in wayyyyy over their headsand they get the fuck out of thereand Grettir is like should I chase them?nahhhhand he goes back to causing problems for a while until he dies

so the moral of the story here is pretty straightforwarddon’t put weapons in your mouthi feel like you guys could have figured that out on your ownbut if that’s truethen why did anyone bother writing this myth?

so here’s a myth today to make up for the myth blogger wouldn’t let me post yesterdayWOOalso:most of the shirts are going to get mailed out in a couple hoursbut if you ordered a purple, a light blue, a light green,a medium white, or a medium or XL pink,the earliest I can get those in the mail is tomorrowbecause my shirt wholesaler is being a huge bitchANYWAYtoday’s myth comes from a bookwhich was purchased for me by human machine gunCHET “Read my lips: I am going to punch you in your lips” KAPOW

OKAY SO THERE’S THIS DUDE GRETTIR

he’s a pretty Norwiegan dudebut like old-style Norwieganwith all the murdering and the swords and the swimming through ice cold waterand not being in a death metal bandbecause he is too busy being in a death metal LIFEGrettir means Snake by the wayand his full nameand by full name I mean his name with a sweet nickname attachedis GRETTIR THE STRONGso Snake the Strongso Solid Snakeexcellent

anyway this particular story takes place in the middle of a much larger storywhich is basically just about how much ass Grettir regularly stompsbut also about how thoroughly shafted he gets by everyone at every turnseriously this dude has the luck of the Irishduring the potato faminetoo soon?

so Grettir is on this boat with a bunch of Merchantswho the fuck knows where he’s goingprobably he is trying to hit up king Olafyou rememberthe guy who is all about chucking horsecocks at dogshe’s kind of related to Olaf or something?to be fair I think he’s also related to a guy named Ivar Horsecocklotta horsecocks in Norwaybut yeah he’s on this boatand everyone on this boat is coldbecause that’s what happens when you’re on a boat in Norwayand they’re all like BOY SOME FIRE SURE WOULD BE NICEand then they look up at a hill on the other side of the bayand there’s a BIGASS FIRE over thereand they’re like MAN WOULDN’T IT BE COOL IF SOMEONE WENT AND GOT THAT FIREand Grettir is sitting there like MANwouldn’t it be cool if you guys stopped being pussies and went and got the fire?and they’re like WHO’RE YOU CALLING PUSSYPUSSYand Grettir is like NO ONE CALLS ME A PUSSYbut I have a bad feeling about thislike I’m pretty sure this is going to end with me having some really shitty luckand you guys not giving me any props for grabbing the fireand the merchants are like NONSENSEGO GET US FIRE

so Grettir does the sensible thingwhich is strip nakedand put on just some pantsand a cowl which is like a robe but just for your faceand then he jumps into the FREEZING COLD WATERand he swims across the bayand jumps outand runs up to the place where the dudes are atand woo look there is fire

uh ok a little backstoryapparently the dudes with the fire are the sons of some dude named Thorirwhich seems to be a pretty popular name in these partsbecause people wanna be named after Thorand if anyone actually named themselves Thor THOR WOULD RUIN THEMThorir sent his kids to go work for king Olaf because he figures he owes Olaf a solidbecause they are old buddies and one time they maybe built a boat?so anyway that’s why his kids are there

so Grettir just busts straight into the hall with the firehis cowl is frozen to his head in some kind of crazyshapehe’s hugehe looks like a fucking trolland everyone is like GET AWAY FROM HERE YOU TROLLTHIS IS WHAT YOU GETYOU GET BEAT WITH FLAMING LOGSso everyone is hitting him with flaming logs but he doesn’t give a shitbecause he’s fucking FROZENand in the process they set their own hall on firebut Grettir doesn’t notice that because he’s too busy walking out with some of their fireand then he puts it in a barrel or something and drags it back across the frozen water to his merchant buddiesand they’re like YESSSSSSSS

but then the next morning they go to hit up the fire dudesand WHAT DO YOU KNOWEVERYONE GOT FIREDthere is just some bones and some ashes and whateverand the merchants are like GRETTIRWHAT DID YOU DOand Grettir is like SEE I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE GONNA BE LIKE THISFUCK YOU GUYS I’M LEAVINGand then the merchants devote all their time from that day onto telling EVERYONE what an asshole Grettir is

so Grettir gets sick of this bullshitand he goes and hits up King Olaf like yoperhaps you have heard of me?and Olaf is like yeah you’re that asshole with the burning right?and Grettir is like WRONGI came all the way here to clear my name so you better cut the bullshitand Olaf is like dude I’m gonna be honest with youI don’t think you burned any dudesbut it’s pretty hard to prove that kind of shitwe don’t have cameras or policeor likea judicial systemso how about we make you hold a red hot iron barlike in that Arthurian legend about a couple of sexhungry emokidsand if it burns you we know you’re guiltyand Grettir is like SOUNDS AWESOME

so Grettir starts preparing to get his hands burned offby like praying and not eating any food and whateverand then the hand-burny day arrivesand he’s walking down the aisle to get his hands burnedwhen this BUTT-UGLY KID runs up to himlike OYOYGRETTIRYOU’RE TOTALLY GUILTY WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE FOOLINGFUCK YOU FUCK YOUthen he actually gives him the fingerthat is a direct quote from the textapparently they not only had the finger back in medieval Norwaybut they had enough of them to give awaybut so this pisses off Grettir so much that he punches the kid in the head and the kid diesat which point everybody starts punching everybodyand then Olaf is like GrettirbuddyI was trying to help you outwith some red hot iron for your handsnot much I can do when you start using those hands for punchingand Grettir is like COME ON MANGIMME ANOTHER SHOTand Olaf is like naw man no can doyou are one unlucky son of a bitchlooks like everyone is gonna have to hate you forever nowso go ahead and just get the fuck out of herego to IcelandI think there’s a prophecy that you’re supposed to die there or somethingso that’s funand Grettir is like FINEI’m LEAVING

so the moral of the storyyou can’t get absolved for murderif during your murder trial you keep murdering peopleorto be more conciseyou can’t have your cake and murder it too

I took that fucking banner ad of the top of the pagecuz it made it look like someone was shitting directly into my websiteand i felt like a whorebut it’s okaybecause towering obelisk of masculinity Guns “Huge Dick” Fisthearthas made me into a much classier kind of whore by commissioning this tale of violence(oh also if anyone who reads this shit goes to either SDSUor SAIClet me know which school i should go to)

Okay so there’s these dudes called the Tuatha Deand they spend a lot of time on some islands around Irelandlearning all the magic and getting all the cool shitlike some spear and a bigass foodpot and whatever other kind of mystical nonsense people used to fill their houses withbefore televisions and parking tickets and toddlersanyway they get their shit set up pretty legit-likeand they just show up in Ireland and fucking murder everyone and take overbut in the process their chillest dudewhose name is Nuadugets his hand cut offI mean it’s okay thoughactually BETTER than okbecause they have some medical wizard named Dian Cechtwho just makes him a brand new hand out of FUCKING SILVERand it works like a real live robot handtotally ripping off Army of Darkness but that’s okbut then Dian Cecht’s son doesn’t think a sweet robot hand is good enoughand starts trying to heal Nuadu’s old handand so his dad is like FUCK YOU SONand hits him in the head with a swordand his son heals himselfso Dian Cecht hits him HARDERand this KEEPS HAPPENINGuntil finally his son is deadand a bunch of herbs grow on his grave but Dian Cecht mixes them all up so no one knows what the fuck any of them doDIAN CECHT IS THE MOST SPITEFUL FUCKING DOCTOR I HAVE EVER HEARD OF

but so apparently getting one of your hands chopped offmakes you ineligible to be king even if you have a totally sweet robo hand to replace your missing hand withso they’re like fuckNuadu can’t be kingwhat do we dooh i knowlet’s just get this stupidass pretty-boy son of the king of a rival nationto be our kingthis could not possibly be disastrousthis kid’s name is Breswhich is just one or two or three letters from being Breastsand let me tell youthat is the only good thing about this guy

BUT HOLD ON LEMME EXPLAIN HOW HE GOT BORN CAUSE IT’S PRETTY FUNNYbasically the chick who would one day become his mom is sitting in her castleand she looks out at the ocean and she sees a ship or somethingonly then she looks closer and it is actually just some DUDEcoming across the water like YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHtotally blinged right the fuck outand he charges right up to this chick and she is like what do you wantand he is like TO FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOUand then they bangand he gives her a ring i guess as payment?and then he leaves and she has this kidand that dude is the king of the Fomoirewhich is that rival kingdom that is gonna cause all the problems in this story

so anyway Bres becomes kingand he is a shitty kingno one likes him and he sucks real bad

BUT HOLD ONLEMME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS OTHER DUDE DAGDA REAL QUICKBECAUSE THIS TALE I AM TELLING IS RIDDLED WITH FUCKING TANGENTSokay so basically Dagda is some righteous badass who works for Bres initiallyand he works with some shitty hack writer who has a mouth in the middle of his chestand every day that asshole is like HEY DAGDA GIMME YOUR THREE BEST PIECES OF FOODand Dagda is basically starving to death becauseLIKE AN IDIOThe keeps giving the dude his foodso finally some other dude comes up to him and is like dudejust fucking put some gold coins in your foodand then that will be the best foodand then that asshole will choke on the coins and dieand for some reason that makes murder legalAND IT WORKSAND ACTUALLY DAGDA EVEN GETS A PRETTY SWEET COW OUT OF THE DEALANYWAY BACK TO THE STORY

so all the Tuatha De motherfuckers finally go to Bres and they’re like dudeyou’re a shitty kingyou’re basically starving the fuck out of usand likegenerally being a twathow about step the fuck off the throneand Bres is like ok that’s fairbut can i be king for seven more years first?and the dudes are like sure whatever we’re not in any hurry

EXCEPT THE PROBLEM ISBRES INTENDS TO USE THESE SEVEN YEARS TO GATHER A HUGE FUCKING ARMYSO HE CAN KEEP BEING KING INDEFINITELYso he goes to his mom and he’s like momwhen dad charged across the ocean to fuck the shit out of you all those years agowhich direction did he come fromand his mom is like THAT WAYso Bres goes and hits up the kingdom of the Fomoiresand he’s like hey dad i got kicked out of that kingdom i was king ofand his dad is like what do you want me to do about itand Bres is like lemme use your army to take it backand his dad is like dude if you can’t fucking rule the kingdom then why should ibut honestly I’ve got nothing better to do so surehere’s a bunch of championsplease be as irresponsible as possible

so meanwhile the Tuatha De back in Ireland are like FUUUUUUCKwhy did we let this little shit be king for seven more yearsthat was seriously poor foresight on our partbut it’s cool because suddenly some hero shows up at their castle(by the way Nuadu gets to be king now finallyI guess because after years of really shitty corrupt rulershipsuddenly having a sweet-ass cyborg president doesn’t seem so badand yeah i know he’s a king not a presidentbut say cyborg president to yourself a few times out loudand i think you will agreeit is a mega sweet thing to say)anyway this hero is called LugI have a sneaking suspicion that he might be Lugh the long-handedbut i am frankly too lazy to checkregardless he is a pretty legit individualbecause see he shows up at the gateand the gatekeeper is like YOU CAN’T COME IN UNLESS YOU HAVE A PROFESSIONand Lug is like well i’m a builderand the gatekeeper is like WE HAVE A BUILDERso Lug is like I’M A BLACKSMITHand the gatekeeper is like WE HAVE A BLACKSMITHand Lug is like CARPENTERand the gatekeeper is like WE GOT ONECHAMPIONWE GOT ONEWARRIORWE GOT ONESORCERORWE GOT ONEDOCTOR?WE GOT ONE AND HE IS INCREDIBLY SPITEFULand Lug is like ok finebut do you have a dude who is ALL OF THESE THINGS SIMULTANEOUSLYand the gatekeeper is like fuck i guess notcome inand then Lug comes in and Nuadu is like fuckdude you have so many professionsi think you should be king instead of meso now suddenly Lug is king

so then they gather a whole bunch of druids and shit togetherto talk about how they are going to deal with Bres’s jackasseryand they spend like THREE YEARS talking about thisand finally they are like ok here’s what we’re going to do:we are going to use magic to completely fuck them overlike they won’t be able to find water and shitit’s gonna be greatnot sure why it took us three years to come up with USE MAGIC TO WINbut it did and we aren’t getting that time back so we might as well deal with it

MEANWHILE DAGDA IS OFF DOING WEIRD FOOD SHIT AGAINsee they send him to go say what’s up to the Fomoiresand on the way he plays hide the sausage with the Morrigan up on top of some mountainwhere she is bathinghonestly the Morrigan sounds super hotbut i would not want to bang herbecause like my grandfather always used to saynever stick your dick in crazyanyway Dagda goes to the Fomoires and he’s like hey dudeslemme just chill with you for a bit and maybe don’t kill me?and they’re like surebut you have to eat a massive pot of your FAVORITE FOOD(porridge)we are going to make it all and then pour it in a ditchand if you don’t eat all of it we will kill youand so Dagda busts out his special porridge ladelwhich is like as big as my nutswhich are hugeand he eats ALL OF THAT FUCKING PORRIDGEand then passes out on the groundand everyone laughs at him and uploads a bunch of compromising photos to facebookand then he wakes up and he’s like fuck this i’m going homebut he looks like a fucking idiot because his belly is sticking out of his shirtand so is his assbut in the other directionand his massive dong is dragging on the groundI’m not making this up this is how the story goesanyway suddenly some chick ambushes him and beats the shit out of him literally she beats the shit out of himlike she manhandles him so hard he shits himselfand he is lying in a pool o’ poop and he is like what the fucki really want to bang you but i am impotent because of how much food i just ateand she is like NO TIME FOR THATCARRY ME HOME ON YOUR BACK FOR SOME REASONand he is like ok just lemme finish shittingand then he does and she gets on his back and she makes a mistake and her pubes start poking outwhich just instantly leads to her and Dagda having sexand then she’s like hey Dagdayou know that war you’re about to fight indon’t do itI will turn into rocks and trees and shit to prevent you from doing itand Dagda is like bitch don’t tell me to not fight warsi am going to make a point of ruining every rock and tree i come across nowin case one of them is youWHAT A LOVELY ANECDOTE

so meanwhile war is about to happenand Lug is being the battle commander dudeand he is asking everyone how they plan to win the battleand basically the answer isWE ARE GOING TO USE A BUNCH OF REALLY UNFAIR MAGIClike seriously after I was done reading all the fucking magic they planned to doi was like why not just end the story herei mean how is Formoire supposed to win when fire is raining from the skyand they can’t find waterand the ground is turning into zombiesand no one they kill even fucking dies?that’s BLATANTLY UNFAIRWHAT THE FUCK TUATHA DEWAY TO RUIN THE SUSPENSE

but anyway yeah the battle startsand Nuadu doesn’t want Lug to go into battlebecause Lug has WAY TOO MANY TALENTSbut Lug is like fuck that and goes battling anywayand meanwhile spiteful asshole extraoidinaire Dian Cecht and his medical wizard palsare chucking wounded dudes into this big well they foundand healing all of themand also the blacksmith and the carpenter and stuff are making likea million spears a minuteso Formoire sends a spy to go into the Tuatha De campand ask their super expert blacksmith for a spearand then use the spear to kill the blacksmithbut then they just chuck the blacksmith in the well and he gets healedso then Formoire decides to just fill up the well with rocksand for some reason they are totally successful in doing thisAND THEN THE REAL BATTLE BEGINS

so everyone is murdering each other SO HARDlike seriously a benny hill style massacredudes all slipping in profusions of bloodcartoon sound effects as motherfuckers rip each others hearts out with their teethit’s very heartwarmingbut the Formoires have a secret weaponwhich is this dude Balorwhose eyeball fell into a vat of evil contact lens fumes and turned into medusaand in order to open it he has to lift this bigass gold ringhe’s a giant by the way i thinkor at least he has a giant eyemaybe he just has like a wheelbarrow for his distended eyethat would be cool/horriblebut anyway right as he’s about to unleash his wretched eyebeamsLug rolls up and just chucks a spear at him so hardit catapults his eyeball out the back of his headand paralyzes Balor’s entire army insteadat which point there’s some poet on Balor’s side who is just like OK OKWHO KILLED BALORand Lug is like ONE CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER THAT’S WHOand the poet is like ALRIGHTWELLLET’S YELL BATTLE STATISTICS AT EACH OTHERand Lug is like OK COOLso they start yelling about how many people were killedbut not in a straightforward waythey do it with COMPLICATED ARITHMETICAL EQUATIONSWHICH I WAS TOO TIRED TO CALCULATESO HERE’S HOW MANY PEOPLE DIED ACCORDING TO THIS FUCKING LEGEND:3+ 3 x 20 + 50 x 100 + 20 x 100 + 3 x 50 + 9 x 5 + 4 x 20 x 1000 + 8 + 8 x 20 + 7 + 4 x 20 + 6 + 4 x 20 + 5 + 8 x 20 + 2 + 40 noblemenPLUS7 + 7 x 20 x 20 x 100 x 100 + 90 POOR PEOPLE NO ONE CARES ABOUTWHO COUNTS CASUALTIES THIS WAY?THE FUCKING MATHEMAGICIANTHAT’S WHOAND I DON’T THINK HE EXISTED IN ANCIENT IRELANDTHEY HAD WAY BETTER WIZARDSLIKE THE WIZARDS THAT SET YOU ON FIREAND THE WIZARDS THAT TURN YOU INTO A CYBORG AND THEN DECAPITATE THEIR SONS

anyway yeah then the morrigan shows up for the fleshreapingand she starts going on and on about how the future is really fucking bleakand then i guess everyone kind of gets bored of listening to her talkand wanders awaybecause that’s where the story endsso that’s a great note to end on

First off lemme just give a fearful gibbering shoutoutto tech-savvy ogrebeast Marrowcrusher MacDreddfor funding my porn addiction by commissioning this myth about some assholes

LET THE ASSHOLES BEGIN

so there’s this dude Lugh the Long-handed righti think i mentioned him beforebut what i still don’t understandis why he is called the long-handedis that a desirable trait?i mean i could see wanting to have long armslike if you are the law or an octopus or whateverbut long hands?it just seems like you would need special forksBUT LOOK THAT ISN’T THE POINT

the point is one day Lugh is riding around on his horse trying to save some dudeor rather some dude’s possessionsthe dude’s name is Bodb Deargmaybe it is actually a city and not a dudeprobably it is a citybut who gives a shitanyway the dudes that stole it are called Fomorwho the fuck comes up with all these nameswhy don’t we just call them what they arethe assholes and some other assholesanyway Lugh is riding after the assholes to get the other assholes’ shit backand he runs into his dad and his dad’s two brothershis dad’s name is Caitn and the other two dudes are totally irrelevantand they are like sup Lugh whatcha doinand Lugh is like trying to get some shit backand they are like oh sweet can we helpand he’s like yeahcan you gather some more assholes to help me with this shitand they are like YESSSso Lugh keeps riding after the other assholesand these assholes split up to try and find as many other assholes as they can

So Cainte ends up going northand running into these three HUGE assholesthe three sons of Tuireannwho hate the SHIT out of Cainte and his brothersand Cainte is like fuck this i better hideso he takes out his druid stickwhich is basically like the sonic screwdriver of ancient irelandand he hits himself in the face with it and turns into a pig and goes and hides with some other pigsat which point the sons of Tuireann are like heydid you see some jackass turn himself into a pig just now?yeahhe’s probably up to no goodlet’s stab himso they doand then Cainte turns into a dude again and is like any chance of not killing me?and they are all like NOPEand in fact then they kill him by throwing rocks at himalso this pisses off nature so much that they have to bury him SEVEN TIMESbefore the ground stops shitting him back outSO THAT’S FUN

meanwhile Lugh catches up with the Fomor dudesand he is like hey wanna give all of Bodb Dearg’s shit backand they are like nopeand Lugh is like ok cool have it your wayand he waits 3 days for all the other assholes to show upand then they just straight wreck the shit out of Fomorto the point where some important Fomor dudes are like hey Lughif you let us go nowwe promise to come back later and attack you againthis time with ALL OUR GUYSand Lugh is like DEALSERIOUSLYTHIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF THE SORT OF DEALS YOU SHOULD MAKE GUYS

so then the battle is over and Lugh is like oh man i feel greati would love nothing more than to give my loving father a great big hugwhere is he by the wayDEAD YOU SAY?UNACCEPTABLEWHO DID THISCOULD IT POSSIBLY BE HIS MORTAL ENEMIES THE SONS OF TUIREANN?OF COURSE IT ISI KNOW THIS BECAUSE THE EARTH STRAIGHT UP TOLD ME THAT SHIT

so everyone is getting shitfaced and partying and junkand Lugh calls them all together like dudesmy father is deadhow many people think that is shittyand everyone raises their handsincluding the Tuireann jackassesand Lugh is like how many people agree that I should murder the shit out of the dudes that murdered my dadand again everyone raises their handsand Lugh is like ok who did itit’s ok you can tell meand the Tuireann guys are like fuck fineit was usand Lugh is like oh ok sweetso how about instead of killing you i just ask you to run a couple errands for mei have kinda been meaning to go grocery shopping but i got distracted by warsso if you could just get me likethree applesand a spearand a pig skinand a chariot and a couple horsesand seven pigsand a puppyand a roasting spitand three shouts on a hilli think we can call it evensound good?and the sons of Tuireann are like that sounds TOO GOODand Lugh is like PROMISE YOU’LL DO ITand they’re like finewe promiseand Lugh is like HAHAHAHA ASSHOLESEAT FINE PRINTTHOSE APPLES I WANT?BASICALLY THE GOLDEN APPLES OF THE HESPERIDESAND THE PIG SKIN IS MAGIC OBVIOUSLYAND THE SPEAR IS ON FIRE CONSTANTLYAND THE SAME GOES FOR THE CHARIOT AND THE HORSES AND THE PIGS AND THE DOGALSO THE SPIT IS OWNED BY A FUCKTON OF WITCHESoh and ps you have to go shout on top of this specific hillthat is guarded by some big jerks who trained my dadwho you killed rememberand who are sworn to prevent people from shouting on top of that hillso that won’t be easy eitherand the Tuireann dudes are like WELPGUESS WE MIGHT AS WELL START GETTING FUCKED OVER IMMEDIATELYso they get the fuck out of ireland to find all of this stupid crap

so the first stop is that apples placethey show up there and there are all these knights and giants guarding itand two of the dudeswho have names with too many letters are like LET’S JUST CHARGE THEM AND GET KILLEDbut the third onewhose name is Brianis like no idiotslet’s just use our druid stickscome oneveryone has thesewhy are they not part of your problem solving protocolso they use their druid sticks and BAM they are birdsthey swoop in and steal applesand then some ospreys or something start chasing them with lightningbut it’s ok because they turn into swansPERFECT

so next they gotta go to some king and steal his magic healing pigskinso they decide to pose as poetshere is the problemthey are shitty poetsexcept for Brian but he’s pretty competent at everythinganyway they show up at the king’s place and they are like WE ARE POETSand the king is like AWESOME I WAS JUST WISHING I HAD SOME POETSCOME IN EAT MY FOOD DRINK MY DRINKso they go inside and immediately start getting smashedand the king is like heyrecite some poemsand Brian’s brothers are like durr uhhand Brian is like fine i got thisahem:

YO YO YO YO YOI HEAR YOU GOT A PIGSKINGIMME DAT PIGSKIN

and the king is like excellent poemwhat is it aboutand Brian is like it is about that pigskin you haveand how you should give it to meand the king is like i’m sorry dudethat poem was really great but i don’t give that pigskin to anybodyhow about instead I fill the pigskin with gold THREE TIMESand give you all that goldJESUS CHRIST GUYSDO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT THERE WAS A TIMEWHEN SHITTY POETRY WAS THIS LUCRATIVE?LIKE YOU COULD JUST STROLL INTO SOMEONE’S ABODE AND BE LIKEHEY HEY HEYGIMME ALL YOUR SWAGAND BAMINSTANT RICHES?!BRB GUYS GONNA GO LIVE IN THE MIDDLE AGES REAL QUICKso anyway Brian is like sure works for meexcept then when they bring out the pigskin for to measure shithe and his brothers just kill everyone and steal itEXCELLENT WORK GUYS

so next stop is speartownesomewhere in persiathey’re like well heythe poet thing worked once beforelet’s try that againso they show up as poetsand Brian is like hey kingi wrote you a poemahem:

BOY DO I LIKE SPEARSI HEARD YOU MIGHT HAVE A SPEARHAND THAT SHIT OVER(this is my contribution to national poetry month)

but the king is like not so fast sonyou can’t just prance in here with your fancy hair ribbons and your silver tongueand expect me to start bathing you in bitches and richesget the fuck out of my houseand Brian is like woopsplan BMURDER YOU WITH THE APPLE I AM HOLDING IN MY HANDand then between the three of them they kill everyone in courtand steal the spearwhich has to be constantly kept in water so it doesn’t burn the house downSUCCESS

next up: get some fucking horses and a chariot to strap them tothey decide to slightly alter they MO for this oneand pretend to be soldiers instead of poetsso really not so much pretendingas just showing up like supwe are soldierscan we work for youand the king is like SURE AWESOMEbut the Tuireann bros work there for like a MONTHand they never even catch a GLIMPSE of a chariotso finally they are like fuck this we’re leavingas a result of your failure to produce horsesand the king is like whoa guyswhy didn’t you just ask to see the horses?i show those fuckers to anyone who expresses even the remotest interestand I like you guyseveryone here likes and trusts you guyshere is the chariot and here are the horsesat which point Brian and co murder everyone and take the lootTHE SONS OF TUIREANN:PERHAPS NOT THE MOST COURTEOUS GUESTS

so at this point word has kind of gotten around that these dudes keep showing up and ruining kingdomsso when they show up as this dude Easal’s palacelike hey we are warriors/poets here to kill/serenade youEasal is like OK GUYS WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT JUST TAKE ITand they are like we just want 7 magic pigsand Easal is like WHATEVER GUYSTHEY’RE JUST SOME FUCKING MAGIC PIGSNOT WORTH GETTING MURDERED OVERand the Tuireann guys are like wowwe just accomplished something and we didn’t even have to kill ANYONEthis feels weird

so they feast a bunch and then the next day they are like WELPoff to go steal the ultimate puppy from some other kingand Easal is like oh shit my daughter is MARRIED to that other kingbring me with you so i can talk him out of getting murdered by youand Brian is like sounds goodso they all get on a boat together and go to wherever this nonsense is happeningand Easal goes up to the king like dudeyou have two options hereget murderedor give them a fucking DOGbe smart about thisand the king is like NOPEso then there’s a huge battleonly instead of killing the king Brian just ties him up and waves him around like a screaming white flag of emasculationand then they get the dog

so Lugh has been using his long-hand size druidic crystal ballto spy on these dudes this whole timewicked witch of the west styleand he is like oh lookthey just got all the things that I actually WANTEDlemme just go ahead and cast a spell that makes them forget all the other shitbefore they fuck something up and die too earlyso Brian and friends are suddenly like oh man we’re donelet’s go homeand they go homeand Lugh is kind of avoiding them for some reasonlike he goes to this city called Teamhairwhich makes me think of a game of shirts versus skins basketballexcept instead of team shirts and team skinsit is Team Hair and Team Nohairoh god that just turned so creepy in my head

anyway the finally track Lugh down and they’re like heydudewe got your shit for youand Lugh is like THAT’S ONLY LIKE HALF OF MY SHITWHERE’S THE SUPERFLUOUS ROASTING SPITALSO I DON’T HEAR ANYONE SHOUTING ON TOP OF ANY FUCKING HILLSand the sons of Tuireann are like OH FUCKHOW DID WE FORGET ABOUT THOSE THINGSlet’s go get them

so first they go get that roasting spitbut the problem is that it’s on an island and NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THE ISLAND ISthey have to look for it for like 3 fucking monthsand finally Brian gets fed up and dives into the water to go find it by swimmingseriously i’m not just having Brian do everything because i like typing his namehis brothers are fucking worthlessthey are pretty much either killing peopleor sitting around choking on their own fucking salivaanyway Brian finds the islandwith all the chicks on itand he sees the roasting spitand he’s just like fuck ithow about i just take itso he picks it up and starts walking awaybut the chicks are just like HAHA FAT CHANCETHERE ARE LIKE A MILLION OF US AND WE’RE MAGIC OR SOMETHINGBUT WE ADMIRE YOUR RETARDED AUDACITY SO YOU KNOW WHATJUST TAKE ITWHATEVERso DING DING DING another task solved thanks to GUMPTION

now there is only one thing leftand that is to go shout on a hillso they land their boat next to the hilland some dude comes running down the hill like YOU BETTER NOT TRY TO SHOUT ON THIS HILLand brian is like YOU BETTER NOT GET STABBED BY MY SWORDbut he is actually using reverse psychology because then he stabs the shit out of that dudeBUT OH NOHERE COME THREE MORE DUDESSO NOW EVERYONE HAS TO FIGHTand so all six dudes who are involved in this bloodfest get stabbed with spearsand the Tuireann bros win obviouslybut not before getting mortally woundedso they’re all lying at the base of the hilland Brian is like COME ON GUYSWE GOTTA GO SHOUT ON TOP OF THIS HILLand the other two are like sorry dudetoo busy dyingand Brian is like FUCK THATand picks everyone upand they do a mortally wounded three-legged deathrace to the top of the hillwhere they shout three timesand then fall down and roll back to their boat

so shit looks pretty grimbut remember how they got that magic pigskin that heals all wounds earlier?so Brian gets the bright idea to go ask Lugh if they can use that for a secondand they sail back to Teamhairand one of Brian’s brothers goes inand asks Lugh if they can borrow the pigskin real quickand Lugh is like NOPEand Brian hears this and is like fuuuuckherecarry me in theresee if I can convince himi’m the one that actually does thingsand he goes in there and is like Lughseriouslywe got all your stupid shitit would literally cost you nothing to save our lives right nowand Lugh is like hold on i’m getting another calloh it’s my dadI’m sorry dad what’s that you sayit’s hard to hear you because BRIAN AND HIS SHITTY BROTHERS FUCKING MURDERED YOUand Brian is like fine ok i get itand then he and his brothers dieand they are buried together

so yeahthe sons of Tuireann were assholesbut in the endit was Lugh who was the real assholewhich just goes to showthat when you are surrounded on all sides by assholessometimes the biggest assholewas inside you all along

desperate sweaty thankyouto human machinegun Dirk “Manshanks” Killkinsonfor hooking me up with money to tell this incredibly brutal mythand also giving me an incredibly sweet title for this postPS if someone has a copy of the Tain lying around and wants to send it to methat would be great because i am sick of trying to research this shit on the internet

OH FUCK IT’S CUCHULAINN TIME AGAIN

ARE YOU GUYS READY?ARE YOU HOLDING ONTO YOUR ASSES?BECAUSE AT ANY MOMENT CUCHULAINN MAY REACH OUT OF YOUR COMPUTER SCREENAND HAND THEM TO YOUALL OF YOUALL THE ASSES

okay so first of all you gotta know a little backstorycause there are these two swineherds rightthey belong to these two different gods who don’t really matterbut they hate each other SO MUCHthey keep turning into animals and beating the shit out of each otheryou knowinstead of herding swinedon’t give your swineherds superpowers guysthis is the kind of shit that happensproductivity goes WAY DOWNanyway they turn into birds or whateverand then they get careless and some cows eat themand thus are born these TWO REALLY SWEET BULLSthere is a white one and a brown oneand the brown one gets took by the king of Ulster(ulster is where Cuchulainn is currently hanging out by the way)and the white one gets taken by this chick Medbwho rules the kingdom of Connachtexcept the bull is sexistand decides it would rather belong to Medb’s husbandwhich is problematic because apparently in Celtic householdswhoever has more money makes the rulesand Medb has a very shiny diamond dildo she’s been forcing her husband to sit onnot about to lose that privelegeso she is like OYKING OF ULSTERI AM OFFERING A FULL CONTACT CRASH COURSE ON MY UPPER THIGHSCOST: ONE MAGIC BROWN BULLand the king of Ulster is like SHIT YESSSSbut then a couple of his guys overhear a couple of Medb’s guyslike haha joke’s on that assholeif he said no we were just gonna take the bull anywayand the king of Ulster is just like FUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAAAATand Medb is like ok finehurry up and pull out already so i can declare war on youAND THEN WAR BEGINS

but shit is basically as sour as possible for the people of Ulsterbecause due to some hilarious curseall of the warriors in the whole damn placeare laid up with ultimate menstrual crampsbecause they pissed off some sorceress or whateverso Medb is like VICTORY IS ASSUREDbut actuallyvictory is not assuredbecause rememberCuchulainn is chilling in Ulster right nowand Cuchulainn is IMMUNE TO MENSTRUAL CRAMPSOBVIOUSLYWHAT DID YOU EXPECTWHEN CUCHULAINN STARTS GETTING THOSE CRAMPSHE JUST REACHES IN AND PULLS THEM STRAIGHT OUT OF HIS ABDOMENAND THEN GUTPUNCHES THEM UNTIL THEY TURN INTO GUNSAND THEN HE SHOOTS THE POPEJUST IN CASE

so cuchulainn is literally the ONLY DUDE IN THE WHOLE KINGDOMwho can do anything about this incoming invasionbut whoopshe kind of forgets and starts having a bunch of sexbut then he remembers because SUDDENLY HERE COMES AN ARMYand he is like it’s cool guys i got thisand just goes ahead and challenges EVERYONE IN THE ARMY TO SINGLE COMBATONE AT A TIMEAT A RIVERBECAUSE HE IS CUCHULAINN AND FUCK EVERYBODYoh man i don’t think i ever told you guysCuchulainn has FOURTEEN FINGERS AND FOURTEEN TOESALSO FOURTEEN PUPILSWHY FOURTEEN PUPILS?BECAUSE TWO PUPILS IS NOT ENOUGH TO WITNESS THE SHEER QUANTITY OF HOMICIDE HE COMMITSbut anyway so the army of Connacht keeps sending across dudesand Cuchulainn keeps murdering themand this goes on for a WHILEsome people say that this is part of that story but i say fuck those peoplebut anyway finally Cuchulainn gets INJUREDand he is lying down injured and Connacht is advancingand he watches a bunch of fucking little kids from Ulsterjust charge at that whole army and get MASSACREDand then Cuchulainn is like wait a secondI have two options hereI can lie here like bleedinglike a PUSSYORI CAN TRANSFORM INTO A MUTANT KILLING ENGINE THAT SPITS FIRE AND BLEEDS ON PURPOSEI CHOOSE OPTION Band this is when the warp spasm happens

yes my friendsthere is a thing in this legendcalled the warp spasmand it is like a combination of footage from transformersvoltronand an american werewolf in londonNOW WITH MORE BLOODlet me give you a rundown of what occurs

okay so first of allhis legs turn backwardsI have no idea how this is an ingredient for a successful murder rampagebut apparently you need your knees on the same side as your buttalso your feet and shins apparentlyi guess to make room for the FIST-SIZED KNOTS OF MUSCLE THAT ARE NOW ALL UP THE FRONTbut that’s just babyshit compared to what happens to his facein fact the muscles on his temples actually turn into knots THE SIZE OF BABYHEADSand they are all moving around and flexingand then one of his eyes just gets sucked all the way back into his head until it disappearsand then the other one pops out and just hangs on his fucking faceI have no idea how being totally blind helps with murderous ragebut i guess apparently it doesalso his mouthskin peels back all the way to his fucking earsand his lungs and his liver start camping out in his throatalong with a WHOLE BUNCH OF FUCKING FIREoh yeahand now BLOOD IS SHOOTING OUT OF HIS SKULLSTRAIGHT UPJUST A FUCKING GEYSER OF BLACK BLOODFIFTY FEET IN THE FUCKING AIRMY FRIENDSIF SALVADOR DALI AND MAGRITE GANG RAPED STEPHEN KINGAND STEPHEN KING HAD A BABYWHICH H.P. LOVECRAFT THEN ATEAND SHAT INTO A VAT OF RADIOACTIVE HATE LOCATED IN THE SKULL OF OPTIMUS FUCKING PRIMETHE RESULT WOULD BE SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIFYING THAN WHAT CUCHULAINN IS DOING HEREoh yeah so then he kills about five hundred people in the cloud of black bloody mist issuing from his OWN FUCKING SCALPalso he duels some dudes and there is some honor bullshitwhich ultimately just results in some dude purposefully withdrawing from the armyand leaving Cuchulainn to hatefuck a bloody canyon through all his cohorts

so at this point the army of Connacht kind of realizes that there are two optionsstay here and get killedor run away and still probably get killed but at least not have to look at the unholy blood festival Cuchulainn has becomeso they start running the fuck awayalong with Medbbut BAMright at this very momentMEDB GETS HER PERIODKAPOWNATUREBULLET TO THE COOTERand she is like OWWW WHAT THE FUCK GODand Cuchulainn runs up like BITCH GONNA KILL YOUWAITNOKILLING WOMEN IS WRONGTHERE IS APPARENTLY EXACTLY ONE BRUTAL THING I WILL NOT DOAND THAT IS KILL WOMENEVEN THOUGH I’M PRETTY SURE I’VE KILLED WOMEN BEFOREso he lets her go and he just goes back to murdering the dudes stupid enough to stay behindand eventually the armies of Ulster get over their magic menstrual crampsand run out of the castle and butcher whoever is left overand no one ever bothers their stupid brown cow again

so the moral of the story isfuck plastic surgerythe uglier you arethe badder your ass

So first off i just want to say whats upto the like nine trillion new people who have showed up to my blogover the past couple daysthanks to a combination of Neil Gaiman and Cracked.com and some other shitI will try to make the myth today extra sweet for you guys

oh also ANNOUNCEMENT TIMEso some of you may have noticed all my sweetshirtlessvideoswhere i wear weird hats and yell about epic wars and junkwell I have wanted to do something with them for a whilebut now that i probably have more readers i think it’s worth askingis anyone good at animating stuff?because i think it would be super sweet if my videos were animatedif you want to animate my videos I will split the glory with you60/40WHERE DO YOU EVEN EVER GET DEALS LIKE THATAlso if I get an animator I will do a video retelling of the book of revelationseven though I usually only do those when people give me money

ANYWAY

So there’s this dude Cuchulainn right

you may remember him as the guywho tied himself to a rock with his own intestinesrather than STOP MURDERING FOR EVEN A SECONDwell this myth takes place earlier in his lifeback when he still had all his intestines in his bodysee Cuchulainn wants to bang this chick Emerso her dadFORGAL THE WILYis like shit I should check up on this guy who wants to bang my daughterso he rolls on over to Cuchulainn’s padand hangs out for like ten minutesto watch Cuchulainn win at EVERYTHINGlike this dude is winning at JUMPINGand SWIMMINGand FISTSand BAKINGand so Forgal is like shiiiiiitif this guy marries my daughter he might win at SEXING as wellI can’t have thatluckily i’m Forgal the Wily not Forgal the DumbassI have a planHEY CUCHULAINNand Cuchulainn is like WHAAAAAATand in the process he wins at yellingand Forgal is like dude you know what you should dogo train with this incredibly deadly warrior maiden named Scathachshe lives on an island surrounded by a whole bunch of shitthat will definitely murder youand then if that stuff doesn’t murder you probably she will murder youand Cuchulainn is like PERFECT

so he sets out with his two homiesLaegaire Battle Winnerand Connall the Victoriousexcept both of them puss out almost immediatelyand are like sorry dude gotta go uhwash our beardsyeswhich makes me think that these dudes got their sweet nicknamesby not actually BEING IN ANY FUCKING BATTLESbut Cuchulainn is world champion of not giving a fuck so it’s okay

so the first bullshit he has to deal withis this bigass field full of razor sharp grassthat can like impale your feet and give you aidsguys this is either some kind of magicor Cuchulainn is in the alleyway behind my apartmentbut it’s ok because apparently instead of feetCuchulainn has DENSE CLUSTERS OF IMPENETRABLE MANHOODso i’m pretty sure the grass is actually afraid of what would happenif it even dared to impale him

then he’s gotta go through a field with all these beasts in itbut he just grabs those fuckersand stuffs them down each others’ throats basically turning them into a huge turducken of murdermurduckenyou’re welcome

BUT THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE STUPID BULLSHIT PARADEbecause then there is this bridgeit is the shittiest bridge everWHY WOULD YOU EVEN BUILD A BRIDGE THAT GOES VERTICAL WHEN YOU TRY TO CROSS ITTHIS SEEMS TO ME TO DEFEAT THE PURPOSE OF BRIDGESIF YOU HAVE A VERTICAL BRIDGETHAT’S BASICALLY JUSTA SHITTY LADDERbut anyway Cuchulainn sees this fucking tilty bridgeand he is like no problem i can handle thisbut it turns out nopeno he can’t handle thishe tries three times and comes back with thirty one flavors of failureuntil finally he is like AAAA FUCK THISand SALMON LEAPS ACROSS THE BRIDGE IN A FURIOUS RAGEI wish I could draw you a picture of thisbecause it’s basically the best thing ever in my mind

anyway finally he gets to Scathach’s placeand pretty much just threatens her with his sword until she’s like ok oki’ll train youso she trains him and meanwhile he fucks her daughterthen she finishes training himand is like hey you’re pretty great at warriorhow about you go beat the shit out of this friend of minei gave her this sweet spear a while back called the GAE BULGAit’s basically this super barbed spear that like needlefucks your organsyou should steal itand Cuchulainn is like HAHAHAHA YOU SAID GAEbut then he goes and beats the shit out of Scathach’s friend Aoifealthough honestly i dunno what kind of friend sics a dude like Cuchulainn on her friendsbecause after he’s done beating the shit out of AoifeI guess he doesn’t feel victorious enoughso he rapes herand then she gets pregnantand she is like hey Cuchulainn what should we name our oh shit where’d you godammit what happened to my gae bulgaCUCHULAINNN

so naturally she is a little pissed off at this dudeso she proceeds to enact the most cockamamy revenge scheme possiblewhich is she puts a spell on her kid so he can’t say his nameor who his parents areand then when he’s like 13 or whatever Aoife is like hey go see your rapedadso this kid shows up at his rapedad’s placeand Cuchulainn is like who the fuck are youbut the kid can’t sayyou knowBECAUSE OF MAGICso Cuchulainn is like BITCH I ASKED YOU A QUESTIONand the kid still can’t say shitand Cuchulainn is like I WILL TEACH YOU TO NOT ANSWER MY QUESTIONSOR NO YOU KNOW WHATACTUALLY I’LL JUST KILL YOUso he doesbut then it turns out he just killed his sonPRANKEDsome scholars believe that Aoife was just really bad at planning revengebut i prefer to think of thisas a really really late term abortion

so the moral of the storyis sometimes actions have consequencesbut that only mattersif you’re not manly enough to KILL THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS

Alright so japan is apparently full of talking animalsas this story will provealso other weird shitSO:

there’s an old man and an old womanthis seems to be a running theme in these storiesexcept that in this casethe wife is not a huge bitchand the husband is not an irresponsible jackassso this is a pretty fucking well adjusted family by any standardand one daythe wife is washing clothes in the riveri guess cause their washing machine is broken or somethingand she finds a peachfloating in the river i guessand she is like THIS WILL MAKE A LOVELY SNACK FOR MY HUSBANDand she brings it homebut PLOT TWISTIT IS NOT A PEACH IT IS A BABYor rather a peach-shaped egg that a baby hatches out ofso they are sitting around the table like holy shit what do we dowell i guess we kind of have to feed it and shitlet’s name it MomotaroAKA PEACHBABY

so peachbaby grows up and gets a bunch of shitty ideasand one of those ideas is to go rough up all the ogres that live nearbyand steal all their shitso he is like hey mom hey dadi’m gonna go do something recklessly stupid in a minutecan you make me some dumplings out of birdseed?and his mom is like sure honey whatever you want

so this kid sets off with a bag full of dumplingsand a head full of idiotand basically the first thing that happens is he gets ambushed by a monkeyall like HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEYI’LL HELP YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF SOME OGRES IF YOU GIVE ME A DUMPLINGTHIS SEEMS LIKE A GREAT DEAL TO MEand peachbaby is like yeah sureso then the monkey starts following himand then a pheasant shows up like OY OY OYOY OY OYI WILL ALSO HELP YOU FUCK UP SOME OGRES IN EXCHANGE FOR A TASTY DUMPLING AS WELLand peachbaby is like yeah help yourselfand then a dog shows up like WOOF WOOF FUCKITY WOOF BITCHGIMME SOME DUMPLING AND I WILL GIVE YOU SOME DEAD OGRESand peachbaby is like i like your stylehere’s a dumpling

so by the time this kid gets to the ogres’ islandhe’s got this ridiculous animal entourageand he is basically like alright guysmurdertimeand the bird flies over the walls of the ogres’ castleand the monkey climbs the wallsand meanwhile peachbaby and the dog manage to beat down the front gatesGUYSa monkeya doga teenagerand a bird that looks like some kind of psychedelic chickenJUST COMPROMISED A FORTRESSBUILTBY OGRESWHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THESE DUMPLINGS?and then once they beast their way inside the fortressthey just proceed to start dishing out asses left and rightthe ogres are basically queuing up to receive their assrationsit’s a regular ASS-embly lineDO YOU GET IT

so yeah eventually the ogres get tired of getting skullfucked to deathby creatures roughly one hundredth of their sizeand they are like shit man finejust take all our treasuresure we’ve been saving that stuff for likeCENTURIESbut you go ahead and take itdicksand peachbaby becomes obscenely richand is happy for ever

so the moral of the story isif you’re ever gonna do something recklessly stupidget your mom to pack you a lunch first

It has all these fucking treesbut most of them suck(this is 200 years ago by the waynow i feel like we have significantly fewer treesbut i’m not sure what percentage of them suck)we got all these likecedar treespine treesweeping willowswhat the fuck guysweeping willows?I’m supposed to give a shit about a tree that does nothing but bitch all day?what do you have to cry about, assholeyou’re a fucking TREEGET A JOB

but see what we don’t have at allis FREE FOOD TREESall over americathere are hungry dudesjust DREAMING of free food treesall covered in bacon and wafflesalso cigarettes and whiskeymost of these hungry dudes are homeless dudes coincidentallyhave you ever listened to the song “the big rock candy mountain,”like REALLY listened to it?it’s a song for homeless dudesstraight up

ENTER JOHNNY APPLESEEDthis is a dudewho for FORTY-NINE YEARSdedicates his lifeto kicking hunger in the nutshe just walks around all over the place- BAREFOOT, MIND YOU – with a big old sack of apple seedsplanting trees and taking namesnames of people who need to be FEDand then FEEDING THEM APPLESHe wears a pot on his head instead of a hatand this is super convenientbecause what other kind of hat can you make soup inother than a souphatand can someone please tell me where I can get a souphat?also what is a souphat?I think I made that upanyway this dude’s feet are SO TOUGHthat one time a rattlesnake tries to bite him in the footand it just cannot pierce the rhinoceros hide that passes for johnny appleseeds’ footskinalso when he gets bored he CHILLS WITH BEARS

Native americans totally dig this dudei mean what’s not to likehere comes that white dude with no shoes and a pot on his headhanding out applesdo you think he might be crazy?who gives a shit at least he’s not setting us on fire and taking our housesso even when all the tribes basically everywhere start murdering pioneersthey leave johnny appleseed alonewhich he views as a perfect opportunityto warn all the settlers that there are indians a-cominat one point he actually runs 26 miles in order to do thisTWENTY SIX MILES MY FRIENDSTHAT IS ONLY ABOUT 300 YARDS SHORT OF A MARATHONYOU KNOW WHAT FORGET I SAID THATIT DOESN’T SOUND THAT COOL WHEN I SAY IT THAT WAYanyway yeah he does thatand probably thousands more indians die because of itso good job johnny appleseedbut really mainly he just plants apple trees

the moral of the storyis what the fuck have hippies been up to for the last 200 yearsjohnny appleseed is one fucking guyand yet he managed to make a veritable buttload of foodtreessome of which STILL FUCKING EXISTmeanwhile I’m supposed to get a boner over some asshole duct taped to a live oak?You can’t eat acorns, assholei mean you canbut fuck thatwhat am I, a squirrel?

So Beowulf has now officially killed two monstersin about four dayswhat does this call for my friends?it calls for a PARTYand not just any partya PARTAYprized among party connoisseursas the hardiest of partiesguysthis party could not get any hardierif it was a band of battle-hardened veteranscrawling through the thick underbrushof shindig centralhell bent on capturing the rich hootenany reservesof soiree citythese dudes are drinking meadout of the skulls of other dudeswho died of alcohol poisoningEARLIER IN THE PARTY

so Hrothgar gets shithouse wastedand makes this long-ass speechlike HEY BEOWULFYOU SHOULD ESCHEW MATERIAL REWARDSIN FAVOR OF SPIRITUAL REWARDSBY THE WAY I’MA HOOK YOU UP WITH TWELVE KINDS OF TREASURE TOMORROWMAYBE ALSO SOME WHORESI’M GONNA GO VOMIT INTO MY WIFE’S MOUTH AND THEN FALL ASLEEP

so then beowulf goes homeback to the home of the geatsappropriately called geatlandand the king Hygelacis like BEOWULF MY MAN WHATS GOODARE YOU READY TO PARTYand Beowulf is like I’m pretty sure I still have a liverBRING IT ONoh by the wayi hear you’re about to marry off one of your kidsto some dudes called the Heathobardsto make peace with them or some shitGUESS WHAT ASSHOLENOT GONNA WORKbecause as i recallyou guys have been murdering each other for YEARSand stealing each other’s priceless heirloomswhich everyone insists on wearing TO THE WEDDINGand that is going to be TOTALLY TACKYQUICK WEATHER FORECAST HYGELACPARTLY CLOUDYWITH CHANCE OF PREMARITAL BLOODBATHOH IS THAT MORE MEAD DON’T MIND IF I DO

so then Beowulf proceeds to tell us a bunch of shit we already knowabout grendeland grendel’s mombecause apparently they didn’t have hyperlinks back thenand everyone in geatland talks about how great he isthen Hygelac gives him a ton of presentsand later he dies and beowulf becomes king for fifty yearspretty sweet being a heronot gonna lie

CUT TO 300 YEARS AGOThis dude righthe has a whole bunch of treasurebut OH NOHE’S ABOUT TO DIEso he is likeI spent my whole lifesystematically denying people access to this treasureWHY STOP NOWand he buries it alland then dies on itmaybe he died fucking itit is not clear whether or not he is a dwarf

anyway then later a dragon finds itand is like TREASURE?!COUNT ME INwhat is it with dragons and treasuretreasure is basically good for 2 things:buying shitand christmas giftsdragons cannot buy thingsas they do not have thumbsand I have yet to meet a dragon that celebrates christmasthey are more into the winter solstice fucking new-agey wiccan dragons

CUT TO THE PRESENTsome stupidass thiefsneaks into the dragon’s lairand stealslikea gold codpiece or some shitmaybe it even has some of the original owner’s congealed semen in itagainthis all depends on whether the original owner was a dwarfbut REGARDLESSthe dragon realizes this shit is goneand is like OH NO YOU DIDN’TTHAT’S ITEVERYBODY DIESand just starts flying all the fuck over everywheresetting shit on fire

now this would be finedragons setting shit on fire is kind of par for the course in old europebut one of the things this dragon sets on fireis BEOWULF’S MEADHALLand beowulf (now like 80 years old)is left standing in the wreckage (his skin is fire-retardant, remember)like fuckwhere am i supposed to party now?THAT’S ITEVERYBODY DIES

so beowulf gathers all his dudesand he puts on his armorand he rides to the dragon’s lairand he is like guysa few years agoI had a renowned craftsmanbuild me a sundialso that I would always know what time it isbut just this morningin factaround the same time that dragon set my shit on firethe sundial seems to have brokenbecause all dayit has been stuck at MURDER O’CLOCKI’M BOUT TO MURDER THIS DRAGON DON’T EVEN DOUBT ITbut first let me bore you with some tales from my childhoodOKAY TIME’S UP COMMENCE KILLING

so beowulf sprints towards the dragon’s lairwearing some chainmail and wielding a swordand the dragon pops out like SUPPPPPPPand beowulf is like WHAT’S GOOOOOOOODand they start wrestlingI REPEAT80-YEAR-OLD MANWRESTLESDRAGONbut when Beowulf tries to stab the dragon in the neckhis sword breaksand the dragon takes a fat bite out of his neckand he is like GUYSHELP?but all his guys are too busy shitting themselves with endless terrorall his guys that isexcept for this dude Wiglafwho is like COME ON YOU FUCKING PUSSIESand then stabs the dragon in the stomachwhich gives beowulf the time he needsto eviscerate it with his fucking pocketknifesweet

but all is not wellbecause it turns out the dragon’s teeth are POISONso Beowulf is right in the middle of being victorious and shitwhen all of a sudden he’s like oh damnguess i’m gonna die after alland falls downand Wiglaf is like BALLSWHAT DO I DOand beowulf is like naw dude…it’s cool…just bring me …some sweet treasure…and set me on fire …and tell everybody …what a sweet dude…i was …and then he diesand geatland is probably about to get invaded from all sidesa bukakke shotgun spray of conquestbut it’s okaybecuase beowulf’s funeral is totally sweet

so the moral of this storyis that all of the greatest heroic actsare performed by dudesmotivated solelyby the desireto party