STOP! If you haven't entered the contest to win an autographed copy of my book and want to, click here and then come back.

It's icy outside so I can't leave the house and I really don't want to clean. So what do I do? Play the Bacon Game. Please tell me you've heard of it. If not, let me school you: You choose a topic --movies, songs or book titles -- then replace one of the words with "bacon." LIke "Girl with a Pearl Earring" becomes "Girl with a Bacon Earring." Got it? Man, I hope so because it's just not that hard.Anyway, since this is a mom blog, I decided to find anything with the words "mom," "mother," "mamma," etc. in it. Then I changed it with the word "bacon." Here is what I have so far:SONGS Bacon MiaBacon Said Knock You Out Bacon, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be CowboysYour Bacon Don't DanceI Saw Bacon Kissing Santa Claus

BOOKSAre You My Bacon?Bacon Dearest (a made-for-TV movie, too)FAMOUS QUOTESGod couldn't be everywhere, so he created bacon. There's nothing like a bacon's love. The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their bacon. There was never a great man who did not have a great bacon. A Freudian slip is where you say one thing but mean your bacon. Bacon always said, don't play ball in the house.PHRASESBacon's Boy Baby Bacon Hoochie Bacon Bacon of the Bride Baconly Love

FAMOUS PEOPLEBacon GooseBacon TheresaI'd better stop now. I've got a bacon of a headache after thinking of all this. Got any suggestions to add?

I can't lie. I'm pretty freaked out right now and I don't know what to do. This happened way too soon after the Thor incident. I was still in recovery mode. My husband brought home a present. And by "present" I mean "horror beyond description." That's right. About a week ago evil took residence in my house.

Every year around the holidays, his officemates get together to give the worst gifts they can find. It's called The Terrible Awful Gift Exchange. You wouldn't believe the kinds of crazy stuff they've given to each other. Well, this year Rick got the mother lode. When he brought it home I nearly choked on the gasp painfully lodged in my throat. Never before have I seen the true face of evil. Now I have. It looks like this:

Please say those aren't blood stains on his teeth.

Fill with M&Ms or spare body parts?

I know. It's like I'm in some sort of low budget horror film that I know won't end well. This clown is not only has has a smile that can kill your soul, he has a...what? A bowl to fill with candy? That whole "don't take candy from a stranger" business has risen to a whole new level. Reach into this bowl and he will surely grab your wrist and drag you to his lair, cackling all the way.From behind, the guy looks disturbing, too. Forget the haunting eyes and bulbous nose. His butt has a full-blown wedgie. There is so much wrong with this and so little right.

Looking a little uncomfortable...

Psychologists say you need to name your fear before you can tackle it. That's what I intend to do but I need your help.HELP ME NAME THIS MOTHER SO I CAN TAME IT.We can take the disarming route (Twinkles?) or turn left on to the John Wayne Gacy highway. I can go either way. Whoever comes up with the best clown name will win an autographed copy of my book, Extraordinary: Light vs. Dark. Another copy will be given at random to make it fair to those who are clown-naming challenged.If you win and you live outside of the United States, I'll send an ebook, instead. I know, no autograph. But I promise I will send an email to you saying we're best buds.I'll give this contest a couple of weeks. You've got until February 1st, 2013. But don't wait that long. That creepy smile is killling me. Help me now. Please.

SOMEONE ATTACKED MY THOR!My Mighty Avenger Battle Hammer Action Figure Thor has been assaulted. I'm devastated. Not only is he such a great Avenger, he played it cool when I photoshopped MC Hammer pants on him. (back story: I had wondered if he'd ever yelled, "Hammertime!" before breaking into dance.)Anyway, my mighty Thor had been minding his own business, protecting his little Asgard outpost also known as the corner of my desk.

Exhibit A

He'd looked fierce, with an intensity in his eye that rivaled Sheldon Cooper in a chess battle to the death. He'd also had not one, but two weapons of destruction. I'd thought no one would dare provoke such a powerful defender.I was wrong.This morning I walked into my office only to find I had chanced upon a crime scene. My body shook. There lay my Thor, face-down. In one hand he held his hammer. The other hand? EMPTY.

Exhibit B

It took a while for me to overcome the shock of the carnage. Luckily, the only damage was to Thor's ego. But who would take his sword accessory, a weapon which "holds an extra advantage -- it becomes a battle hammer for crushing his foes"? (At least that's what Amazon says.)After a few minutes of investigation I found the sword behind the couch. I also found a clump of cat hair. Gasp! Our fluffy feline friend, Cinnamon, proved himself to be an evil-doer!

Exhibit C

And now I'm scared. What could our cat want with special sword that turns into a hammer? He must have an evil plan. What it is, I do not know but from now on I'm sleeping with one eye open.Have a clue what it could be?

I was all prepared to write a snarky post about the losers of 2012 then I had a change of heart. There was so much real tragedy last year. And plain silliness, as well. Still, screwy people need our support, not silly comments that just make the situation worse. So this year I give you Mom's Prayers for the Misguided. Okay, there might be some snark. Remember, I'm not perfect.

For Kristen Stewart: Cheating on R-Patz? What was she thinking? Messing around just isn't cool. It makes SO much sense that she got most of the scorn instead of her partner in crime, Rupert Sanders. She was young and dating a really cool guy while Sanders was only twice her age, married with kids, and in a power position as her boss. It's clear that she was way more of a skizz than him. And by "clear" I mean "totally not." When it comes to future cases of cheating in Hollywood, I pray for equal blame. Guys get off too easily. That sucks and needs to change.For John Travolta's hair: May the Christmas tree flocking industry partner work harder with his spray on hair source so his mane of puffy paint can look fuller and more lustrous. Come on Johnny, we love you with or without the hair. It's the press on-felt wig that creeps us out. (Strangely, I couldn't find a free photo of him in his current hair condition. To see it, you will have to click here. But I won't provide a link to Miley Cyrus' new cut. It's just too scary. May she regain her senses.)For Honey Boo Boo: May her "Go-Go Juice" of Mountain Dew and Red Bull magically transform into milk with a V8 V-Fusion chaser. And may she never be found saying "a dollar make me holler" on the corner of Easy Street and Lost Souls Avenue at 2 AM. I don't want to redneckognize her name in any police reports ten years from now.

While I'm on the younger set, may the spirit of dignity and wise choices guide the future of Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick's kids. That goes double for Snooki's child, which is in no way affiliated with Beyonce's old band Destiny's Child, except for Snooki calling her kid's baby shoes "bootylicious."

For Clint Eastwood and that empty chair of his at the Republican National Convention. May Mr. Eastwood make at least one more incredible movie before senility totally consumes him. As for the chair, maybe a nice rub down with Pledge furniture polish? It deserves something for dealing with the humiliation. No chair should have to go through that.For all of those involved in the Cruise-Holmes breakup -- Tom, Katie and little Suri. It's great to see the Stepford wife look disappear from Katie's eyes. Still, I know family break ups can be hard. May Tom and Katie make this work to minimize the hurt. I'd hate for Suri to lose focus on her burn book.

For Lance Armstrong: I get that he was tired of fending off the accusations that he used performance enhancing drugs. Yet from the evidence it was clear he did it, even though everyone else did it, too. May we all remember that even when all the cool kids are doing it that doesn't make it right. May Lance own up, square his shoulders, then focus his efforts on what really matters: his cancer foundation, Livestrong. Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't keep Lindsay Lohan in my thoughts. I know 2012 wasn't quite the comeback year that she had hoped for. Instead, it ended up being more like 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011. But that's okay. A new year is here. That means another chance. I sincerely hope she finds her way this time. Seriously. Watching young stars spiral downward to the tabloid's glee of the tabloids and sick fascination of the world makes me sad. Just plain sad.And that's it. Did I miss anyone? Is there someone you think could use a little extra positive energy this year? Let me know. I'll make sure to light a candle for them. In the end, couldn't we all use a bump?

Weird Author

My name's Murphy, Janene Murphy, and I'm a weird mom.

MY BOOKS!For info, click on the covers.

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