Being the “Devil’s Advocate” isn’t controversial. Everyone’s allowed a lawyer. If Satan cannot afford an attorney one will be appointed to him by law.

Ol’ Nick doesn’t really need one anyway. Modern relativism means that things once considered “bad” are constantly re-evaluated and, usually, relabeled. Vampires have gone from being monstrous Nosferatu to being…sparkly. They’ve transformed from ravenous fiends into idealized mates. When exactly was it decided that blood loss is sexual release…for the drainee? When have you seen it work that way?

Today vampires are good; werewolves are good; so are ghosts and goblins and witches, oh my.

But of course “relativism” isn’t relative. “Right” and “wrong” hasn’t been rejected, just redefined. And not for the better, either. Society passes judgments on people for things totally beyond their control. The author is a white man. He…I…didn’t choose this condition nor can I do anything about it. And yet every year it becomes more and more “bad” to be Caucasian and male. I am a white, Southern, heterosexual Christian man who advocates nuclear power.

When did I become the Devil?

And where is my advocate? You can’t shake a stick without hitting vampire lovers, werewolf lovers, even demon lovers. And who gets the benefit of the doubt? The blood suckers and flesh eaters. It’s okay to be a Caucasian man, as long as you’re already dead.

It’s one thing for warmongers like Louis Farrakhan to call white people “devils”. It’s quite another for society to agree. But such is the 21st Century West. White men are the universal scapegoat and are expected to meekly accept the role.

Sorry, world. Not this white devil. If it’s a devil you want…it’s the Devil you’ll get. So please allow me to introduce myself, socialists…I am Satan. I am the Prince of Newspeak Lies; the Snake in your statist Eden.

This is my bible. You will call it a work of blasphemous, evil, unspeakable lies. And you will be right, given your tongue. But when translated from Newspeak, this is the book of unspeakable truth:

Government is a necessary evil.

“White privilege” is well-earned.

Allowing women to vote was a noble experiment but a bad idea.

It was never a good idea to let government workers and welfare recipients vote.

Biologically speaking, those under the age of 25 shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

Oh wait, I’m an atheist and I’m not a conservative… shouldn’t I be screaming against every point you made? Apparently that memo never arrived here! So… yeah, no screaming to happen here. Nothing to see folks. Move along.