Monday, December 19, 2005

Santa Claus has installed seatbelts in his sleigh to avoid being ticketed under South Carolina's new seatbelt law, according to a statement released Friday from his Arctic headquarters. This is the first time the venerable Christmas icon will don a safety restraint in his hundred-plus years of gift delivery.

"I can't say I fully support primary enforcement of a seatbelt statute," said Claus, a registered libertarian. "But shit, if it'll get my ass out of ticket, I'll play along."

James Schweitzer, director of the South Carolina Department of Public Safety, told B & P News that fines of $25 per person, not to exceed $50 per incident, will be issued to drivers who visibly lack safety belts, including operators of reindeer-propelled sleigh delivery vehicles (SDV's). In addition to two adult-sized safety harnesses, Claus has installed several child restraint seats for his helpers.

"I'm pissed," said 427 year-old elf Nigel Poinsett, as he smoked a cigarette outside his workshop. "He's stuffing me in a baby seat. I'm a great-great-great-great-grandfather, for Pete's sake."

Santa has not had a traffic infraction in South Carolina since 1983, when Lexington County Sheriff's Deputy Carlton "Scrooge" Crapps issued him at ticket for having only one headlight.

"Crapps," the Jolly Old Elf said aloud as he put his finger on the side of his nose. "That son of a bitch."