June 3rd, 2007

More family fucking fun with MR AGREEABLE!

Waking up to a breakfast of muesli, grapefruit juice, a yolkless omelette and a gallon of absinthe drunk through a hose, I peruse the periodicals and learn that the line-up for this year’s Glastonbury Festival has been announced. It will include The Who, The Arcade Fire, The Kooks, The Gossip, Paul Weller, Shirley Bassey and Chas N’ Dave. “We’ve surpassed ourselves,” says Michael Eavis, who presides over the festival.

You certainly f***ing have, you eggheaded, absurdly bearded f***ing arse! If this line up was a f***ing muckspreader, it’d shower enough f***ing shit to fertilise half the f***ing county! It’s a f***ing index of excrement! The Who? Two dead, one deaf and one whose singing makes you envy the f***ing deaf! The Kooks? I’d rather drink from the contents of a f***ing hospice bedpan! Shirley Bassey? Oh, my aching f***ing sides! The Gossip? Yeah, she’s f***ing fat, point made, now f*** off back to oblivion and health complications brought on by gross f***ing obesity! Paul Weller? Why don’t you just stick a f***ing scarecrow in the middle of the field and have done with it? Anybody who goes to f***ing Glastonbury is a moron but three cheap viagra days of exposure to this moneygrubbing, pointless vast and vacant f***ing parody of a f***ing festival will come back a f***ing double moron! C***s!

Gordon Brown, heir apparent to the leadership of the Labour Party, has made a number viagra for sale of policy statements, including a wish to extend the period in which terror suspects can be detained beyond the current 28 days. He would, however, ensure that civil liberties were safeguarded were such an extension to be implemented. After “New Labour”, it is anticipated by many that Mr Brown’s reign will be best described as “True Labour”.

Yeah, sure, of course it f***ing will, and the woods will become a f***ing bearshit-free zone and the Pope will join the f***ing Orange Order! F*** all this “Och, yes, I’m a tremendous fan of the Arcade Monkeys” bollocks! Brown’s gonna be exactly the same as f***ing Blair, only scruffier and f***ing grumpier! Head half way up George Bush’s rectum? Check. Continued tax breaks to the f***ing rich and lectures to the poor? Check. More f***ing PFI disasters in the f***ing pipeline? Check! “C*** Replaces C***” should have been the f***ing headline, and the three last words on this odious, dour f***er!

Justin Lee Collins is back on our screens, with a new series of The Friday Night Project!

Christ on a f***ing dildo, just what the f*** is this West Country f***ing rodent-boy doing anywhere near a f***ing TV programme? “Hoi! Moi name’s Justin Lee Collins, oi shout loike this the whole toime and oi’m from Bristol! Thart’s the joke!” How the f*** has he extended this into a f***ing career? Did he catch the f***ing controller of Channel 4 in bed with a f***ing farm animal or what? As eloquent an argument for the f***ing reinstatement of the f***ing ducking stool as Youth TV has yet presented! Useless, hairy f***ing twatrag!

My Chemical Romance are back in the fray, with a new single entitled “Teenagers”. Among their influences are Queen and Iron Maiden.

F*** me into the middle of next week, have you heard this f***ing bunch? The squarest, brownest, samiest, rockiest shit to come trundling off the f***ing NME neoconservative f***ing conveyor belt since the one the f***ing week before! They’re f***ing rubbish! The last scrapings of the bottom of f***ing rock’s bowels! It would, have been better in all solemn seriousness, and weighing the pros and cons regarding the betterment of life on this earth, if these c***s had been influenced by their f***ing heavy metal favourites to go on some massive f***ing killing spree in their high school, than formed a f***ing band! I f***ing mean it! In fact, I contacted some of your f***ing high school classmates and they all f***ing agreed with me! They’d have cheerfully taken the f***ing bullets! Grade A f***ing tosswipes!

Finally, India Knight has used her column in viagra online The Sunday Times a fortnight ago to draw attention to the current state of the housing market. It seems that property prices are currently exceedingly high, pricing the likes of schoolteachers and nurses out of the market. Her suggestion? That something needs to be done. “Urgently,” as she puts it.

Well, gee, yes, now that you say so, India, there’s something in that. Thanks for the f***ing early warning, too! I’m amazed this unextraneous observation hasn’t been made before, practically on a daily f***ing basis, over the last ten f***ing years by practically every c***! Yes, that’s certainly food for f***ing thought there, India! You slackarsed, slow-witted, f***ing waste of f***ing space! If you were paid more than 15p to hack out this prolonged statement of the haemorrhaging f***ing obvious, it’s a f***ing scandal! And what the f***’s “India” all about? If you’d been born a f***ing boy, would you have been called “Belgium”?

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