"What it must look and smell like when a movie brain vomits. Truly worthless."
-Variety

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Auteur Watch - Vin Diesel

...oh, please. Well, as that old saying goes, everyone wants to direct. And just as Spielberg calls himself a "TV director" with tongue firmly in cheek, so too can Vinny claim to be a director first and foremost, with a short film called Multi-Facial and a feature called Strays to his credit. But then... fate came along and, as you can tell currently from his IMDb Top 4, 1998's Saving Private Ryanis one of the four things he's known for... the other three being the latest installments of the The Fast and the Furious film series. In a way, it's like how Malcolm McDowell is known for A Clockwork Orange and three other things within the past decade! Of course, Ryan was probably a cakewalk for Diesel compared to the stuntwork Malcolm had to endure over the course of that year it took to shoot A Clockwork Orange, but never mind.
So Diesel seems to have put his directorial dreams on hold while the Fast and Furious series continues to wind down... or does it? Eight installments? Before you know it, the rest of the cast of The Expendables is going to follow Statham into this thing! Now that would be something. Of course, it'll involve a lot more action near handicapped ramps... sorry, but yes, I'm just trying to get headlines, I guess. Why, I couldn't get one if I paid for it! How about changing it to 'getting in and out of courtesy shuttles' instead? After all, being an expendable is hard! It's hard work! I feel their pain, though. I need a little Gold Bond medicated powder myself!
Anyway, Vin's a star, no question... but an auteur? Arguably, yes, in the '90s, but what I'm waiting for... as are a few other Hollywood insiders... is his purported Hannibal project. And I'm not talking about Anthony Hopkins' most famous role, or Hannibal Brooks. No, I'm talking about the elephant one, Hannibal Barca, I believe he was named. And why that role? Well, I suppose it's like playing Cleopatra, but for guys. Diesel proudly mentioned that he was hard at work working on his Hannibal project the last time he was on Stew-Beef's "The Daily Show." I swear it happened, and maybe the IMDb will bear me out... I think it was the 2006 one. Apparently, all the clips are online someplace, but maybe someone else can do all the hard work and due diligence of looking it up and what not. I think he failed to mention that he got the idea for the screenplay when he was in 3rd grade and heard the story... LIKE THE REST OF US. See? Sometimes procrastination's a good thing!