Written spur of the moment - 15 minutes flat. I laughed, another two people laughed, and I was urged to publish.

So I did!

I hope I have brought lolz. Lolz are important!

Meet the Fernandes'

You're a guy.

You're a guy with a girlfriend that you've had for a good three months. She invites you over to meet her parents, and you accept, because hey - that's what you do if you're dating the hottest chicky-babe in Magnolia. You pick her up outside her crazy little guild at six and you walk to her house. She holds your arm and you feel kinda smug, you big shot, you, with your pretty little thing hanging like that.

You da man.

You get to her house, open the door and it's the hottest magic MILF that's ever existed. Well shit, you've just walked inside the house of Erza Scarlet. You know how you were going to spend 10 bucks on your new girlfriend's birthday present? WELL IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR TESTACLES, YOU'LL RAISE THAT NUMBER UP A LITTLE.

But she's nice, she's warm. She's pretty cool. She smiles at you, and your girl smiles at you, and you follow them both inside. There's something you're trying to remember; some important fact about Erza Scarlet that you really SHOULD know. Your girlfriend's hair is different from her mother's, so she must get it from her Dad. But who IS he? You KNEW you should have listened in local history lessons! Damn! Even reading SORCERER properly would have helped you! That's what you get from flicking to the centrefold girls - that Mirajane's still got it, even after all this time. Man, must transformation magic be handy in the modelling business!

You sit down at the table, and Erza Scarlet (holy crap - THE Erza Scarlet, look at her!) sets a plate of food in front of you. It smells great - it looks great. Did she make it? She must be amazing! You remember your manners and don't touch it. Erza Scarlet calls to the rest of the household to come and get it. Like a bolt you're flanked by two girls - younger than your girlfriend - who look quite similar. More blue hair, more green eyes. Pale skin like their mother, slim but strong. You probably shouldn't be checking them out. Look away!

Erza Scarlet takes her place at the head of the table, delicately folding a napkin on her lap, as do her daughters, all enamoured with the practices of their world famous, respected, beautiful, strict and powerful mother. You hurry to do the same. Nobody touches their food, so you don't either.

"I wish Daddy would hurry up," your girlfriend pouts.

"He's putting the finishing touches on the strawberry cake for dessert," her mother hums, eyes glazing. You start in shock as you realise everyone around the table, all these beautiful, serene females are drooling openly. Suddenly the food before them is an obstacle.

You're starting to feel kinda weird - are normal families like this? Yours certainly isn't. You're an average guy doing average things. You thought you were pretty good, being the star of a world-renowned athletes' guild, but you know every girl in the room could break your legs with one hand tied behind their back. And that's WITHOUT their magical powers. Maybe you should ask Erza Scarlet for personal training?

"Just finishing up!"

The voice is male and comes from the other room - the kitchen? THAT MUST BE HIM. You wrack your brains furiously, trying to figure out WHO THE HELL THIS GUY IS. Someone really famous - you should know about him. La la la, big scandal from before you were born. Erza Scarlet and Gerard? No... Je... Jeral? UGH. WHO WOULD HAVE A STUPID NAME LIKE THAT? Well, whatever, you'd find out pretty soon. Still, you have a feeling, and it's bad. Something nasty is waiting just behind the corner. You don't notice, but you're holding your breath, and it all comes out in a definitely unmanly squeak-gasp-scream as JELLAL FERNANDES, CRAZED PSYCHOPATH EXTRAORDINAIRE walks into the room and LOOKS AT YOU.

"You okay, son?" he asks as the CLONE GIRL VERSIONS OF HIM sitting around the table pat your arms and offer you water. Erza Scarlet (HOLY FUCK, ERZA SCARLET AND JELLAL FERNANDES, MOST CONTROVERSIAL COUPLE IN HISTORY, SHIT!) gets up and claps you on the back four times, and each time you swear you can feel your ribs crack a little. Eventually you stop choking on your own spit long enough to apologise and attempt to salvage the situation. Jellal Fernandes - seated at the other table head - SO RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR RIGHT ELBOW - is being chastised by his youngest daughter.

"Daddy! We have a GUEST tonight! What are you doing with your sleeves covered in icing sugar!"

You're staring, unblinking like a fish as this guy just laughs and teases her, as if it's the most normal thing in the world - as if he's the most normal PERSON in the world. "Doesn't this house have a rule?" he prompts, and he's got this weird-ass cheeky grin that you don't know how to handle - AT ALL. Does he grin like that when he kills people? Is he aware of how you are PRACTICALLY SHITTING YOURSELF and is grinning like that because he gets some sort of fucked up, sadistic pleasure from it? Are you in danger? Will he kill you for just being NEAR his daughter? What if you aren't sitting right? What if you say the wrong thing? Will you end up nothing more than a splatter of ash on the sidewalk?

Erza Scarlet puts down her fork and stops eating. She sighs and you FREAK. OUT. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WRONG WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WRONG!

"What's the rule, girls?" she asks. Like a professional choir of BEAUTIFUL ANGELS FROM THE PITS OF THE WORST KIND OF HELL they all chime in time, "~Strawberry cake is above the law~!"

And JELLAL FUCKING FERNANDES - SERIOUSLY - just sits back in his chair, winks at them all and goes, "Ha!"

Nobody.

Even.

Died.

YET?

You're on edge through most of dinner, but you manage to not make it too obvious. You don't know when they're teasing and when you're not. You shrug off your girlfriend's hand under the table in fear of immediate castration should either stronger-than-a-whole-knight-guild-special-forces-unit guardians that you've got at each end of a very averaged sized table notice anything amiss. You eat your food, you give polite answers, you follow up on conversation topics. Ha... hahaha! You can do this!

By the time dessert rolls around you're infected by everyone else's excitement. Even the great Titania, Erza Scarlet is foaming and GAGGING for it (don't think about it, don't think about it, you'll go straight to hell and she'll send you herself.) Jellal Fernandes cocks his head, clicks his teeth to get their attention, and says they should go cut it up nicely, because he forgot. He shares a secret wink with Erza that isn't so secret - because you saw it - YOU SAW IT! AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN SHIT ALL YOUR FEAR'S COME BACK.

Erza Scarlet leads her girls like ducklings into the kitchen and Jellal Fernandes scoots his chair closer and starts to speak. You don't really want to look him in the face - you haven't all night - you know what he looks like - everyone knows what he looks like - but there's something about his direct presence that is drawing your gaze upwards. You see first a mouth, and you can't help but think of what that thing must have done in its time; worm its way onto the Old Council with little to no supporting credentials, scream slave rebellion as a child, swear to protect a pretty girl in need, admit defeat, mutter self destruction spells - MAKE THREE CHILDREN AND AN APPARENTLY VERY SATISFIED WIFE-

The middle of his face is average. It's just a nose. You've fucking seen noses before. Everyone has one. His is nothing amazing, although there is a prominence in his jawline, and a scar flicking across his left cheek - a spar wound? Erza? Had she cut him? Or was it a burn from the infamous Natsu Dragneel? Holy SHIT, this guy should GO AND LIVE IN A MUSEUM.

You have to look at the other side of his face, though - you just have to. You can't look at Jellal Fernandes and not see it - that whopping big mark carved down the length of his face - was it carved? Is it a scar tattoo, or ink? Is it a birthmark? Was it meant for some bigger purpose other than just making him even MORE badboy than his reputation already allowed? Motherfucker! this guy is crazy!

Finally you work up the courage to look him in the eye; they're green. There isn't another word to describe what kind of colour they are - just GREEN. REALLY GREEN. He's staring at you like he can read your thoughts, like he can see through every lie you've every told - even ones to yourself - even lies that you thought were true or things that were true at the time but then changed to lies later. This guy is FUCKING WIGGING YOU OUT - what the hell do you even do? SHIT! He's a totally different person from dinner! Even if his sleeves are still peppered with icing sugar, even if you just saw him accept a clumsy spoonful of pasta from his middle child, saw the tomato paste fall out of his mouth and down his chin, where it was caught with a napkin, you realise HE SURE AS HELL COULD DEFINITELY KILL YOU. ANY TIME HE WANTED. HOLY SHIT.

"Dating my daughter, huh," he says quietly, and your hands shake under the table. Jellal Fernandes shouldn't be able to see them, but he probably does. "My firstborn? You want her?"

You can't do anything but stammer. You've seen enough movie lacryma to know that this question will FUCK YOU UP:

Jellal Fernandes waits for a minute, but you still can't find it within yourself to answer. Your girlfriend calls out from the kitchen, asking how many pieces he wants. "Just one for me," he calls, voice carefree, warm as his eyes scream cold bloody murder into your soul. How the hell does he even DO that? Was this Jellal Fernandes + fatherhood = FUCKING TERRIFYING FUCKING BADDASS? Does YOUR Dad do this for your sister? Your thoughts have wondered, and because he's a freak Jellal Fernandes has definitely picked it up. He looms over you, getting closer, and he says in that same voice, "I can CUT myself some LATER. I've become REALLY GOOD at doing stuff like that."

The look on his face after the word 'but' is nothing short of homicidal. You frantically think back to the things you've read about this guy. His lovestory has been catalogued and MOVIES have been made about it - movies and books and comics and everything, all centred around this girl/queen/goddess and the criminal mongrel she'd chosen to be with. Maybe if you were more in to CHICK FLICKS you would have wizened up about this whole deal sooner! How stupid can you get! DAMN.

You suddenly remember one of his lines, something he said to her on the day she proposed.

"I-I'll- I'll...!" You take a deep breath, determined. "I'll even p-protect her from- myself!" you shout, and glare at him right back.

Jellal Fernandes looks shocked for a moment. His eyes widen, lose their ferocity, and he pulls away. As the girls come back bearing cake and wandering what the noise was, he turns his happy face on and thanks them lovingly for his slice. You think you've won some favour by standing up to him, but over the clamour he leans over to you and says,

"I'll tell you the same thing that Makarov told me when I said that - the thing they don't usually put in the movies, or quote in magazines." You wait and you squirm and you can see that he just fucking loves it. He leans in just that little bit closer and his wife smirks to herself and his daughters DON'T EVEN NOTICE WHAT IS THIS COME ON.

"I'll ATOMISE you before you ever get that far."

You've Met the Fernandes'

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