Ross Denton: Hello, hello, I’m Ross Denton, head of public relations for the Two Mile nuclear facility. First, I’d like to welcome all members off the press to Two Mile Island. I hope you enjoy your stay here and that you’ll come back again real soon. Now, there will be box lunches at air cooling tower #1 after the briefing, and later the buses will take you back to the motel for a special screening of the Jane Fonda film, “Barbarella”.

Male Reporter #1: What about the accident here at the plant?

Ross Denton: That what? Oh yes, yes, the accident. Uh, let me give you a little uh, technical, uh, background here. [ shows a diagram of a nuclear reactor pointing to nuclear energy, pointing to a toaster. ] This is a nuclear reactor. Now, the nuclear fuel here is used to generate energy here, which is sent to your homes to make toast.

Male Reporter #2: But what about the accident?

Ross Denton: I was getting to that. Sometime yesterday afternoon we experienced what we like to call a surprise. And, well, we had to release some radioactive steam.

Female Reporter #1: Well, how much radiation are we being exposed to right now?

Ross Denton: Well, I’m sure all of us here have been to the doctor and had our chest x-ray, haven’t we? Well, it’s just like that, only it’s as if the doctor had to give you the chest x-ray over, and over, and over again. Or, it’s like falling asleep under a sun lamp for a week or two! Or, it’s like drying your hair in a microwave oven! And to give you some idea of how little danger there actually is, President Carter will be here tomorrow. Now, gentlemen, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Yes, I’m sorry I have to cut this press conference short, but now I’d like to hand the stage over to the Two Mile players! They’re a pro-nuclear mime troope, and they’re going to perform a little skit for you, kids!

Ross Denton: Well Mr. President, this is Matt Crandall. He was cheif engineer when the “surprise” occurred.

President Jimmy Carter: Okay, Matt. Give it to me straight.

Matt: [ nervous ] Well, the water level began dropping in the core, and the pressure neared critical in coolant pump #2, and a negative function in the control panel prevented us from preventing the, uh, minor explosion which occurred in the main housing.

President Jimmy Carter: Hmm. Sounds to me a lot like a Pepsi Syndrome. Were there any soft drinks in the control room?

Matt: Okay. You’ve got me. You’re too smart for me, Mr. President, sir. I spilled a large Coke to go on the control panel.

President Jimmy Carter: Don’t touch me. I’m a nuclear engineer, and I’m pretty worried right now. You’ve got six inches of radioactive water in that room. You’d better drain that.

Matt: Okay, we’ll take care of that right away.

Ross Denton: Mr. president, why don’t you come with me?

President Jimmy Carter: Yeah. I feel a little funny. [ goes off with Ross as Rosalyn follows them, worried ]

Rosalyn Carter: Jimmy!

Matt: All right, don’t worry. You’ll be fine, Mr. Carter. Just stay inside and close the window, cover youself with some hot blankets, you know, and drink a beer or something.

Carl: I called maintainance.

Matt: Okay, you call the gate and tell them the president’s coming up. [ Brian calls the gate ]
[ Matt wipes his face with a handkerchief, as Violet, the maintainance worker, comes in with a mop and bucket. ]

Violet: Uh, you asked for me, Mr. Crandall? I just finished with your office.

Matt: Oh yeah, Violet. There’s some water on the floor in there. Would you clean it up please?

Violet: Okay, but I’ve never been in there before.

Matt: I know. We usually don’t, but it’s a mess. But don’t bother waxing, okay?

Violet: Okay.

[ Violet goes into the nuclear core to mop up the water, as Matt looks on shamefully ]
[ cut to research room where Rosalyn Carter is talking with Ross Denton and Dr. Edna Casey ]
[ SUPER: “DAY 4” ]

Rosalyn Carter: Where is Jimmy? I have a right to see him!Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, the president is recieving special treatment right now.

Rosalyn Carter: What kind of special treatment? Why can’t I see him?

Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, this is Dr. Edna Casey. Perhaps she can explain better than I what has happened to the president.

Dr. Edna Casey: Mrs. Carter, your husband was exposed to massive doses of radiation. Now this has affected the entire cell structure of his body and greatly accelerated the growth process.

Dr. Edna Casey: Well Mrs. Carter, it’s difficult to comprehend just how big he is but to give you some idea, we’ve asked comedian Rodney Dangerfield to come along today to help explain it to you. Rodney?

[ Rodney Dangerfield enters ]

Rodney Dangerfield: How do you do, how are you?

Ross Denton: Rodney, can you please tell us, how big is the president?

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, he’s a big guy, I’ll tell you that, he’s a big guy. I tell you he’s so big, I saw him sitting in the George Washington bridge dangling his feet in the water! He’s a big guy!

Rosalyn Carter: Oh my God! Jimmy! Oh God!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, he’s big, I’ll tell you that, boy. He’s so big that when two girls make love to him at the same time, they never meet each other! He’s a big guy, I’ll tell you!

Rosalyn Carter: Oh no! Oh Jimmy! My Jimmy!

Rodney Dangerfield: I don’t want to upset you lady, he’s big, you know what I mean? Why he could have an affair with the Lincoln Tunnel! I mean, he’s really high! He’s big, I’ll tell you! He’s a big guy!

Dr. Edna Casey: Mrs Carter, perhaps this chart can give you a more precise measurement of his size. [ shows chart comparing sizes of animals ] Now the figure on the left represents Vice President Mondale. This is Tip O’Neill, Speaker of the house, Democrat, Massachussetts. This is an Indian elephant, this is a brontosaurus, and this, I’m afraid, [ pulls back flap to show that President Carter is about twice the size of a brontosaurus ] is President Carter. [ Rosalyn Carter bursts into tears, as Ross Denton lets her head rest on his shoulder ]
[ goes back into press conference at the power plant’s main office, with Baba Wawa reporting. ]

Baba Wawa: Hewwo, this is Baba Wawa speaking to you wive fwom Two Miwe Iwand. I’m speaking to you wive fwom the Two Miwe Iwand Nucweaw Weactow site whewe wumows awe wunning wampant that the pwesident has been exthposed to wethaw wevews of wadiation. And he has gwown to an incwedibly widiculous pwopowtion. He’s weawwy, weawwy, wawge. Pwesentwy, Woss Denton, spokespewson fow the utiwity company which wuns the nucweaw weactow wiww enter this woom to wespond to the pwess. Watew tonight, at 10:30, 9:30 centwaw, ABC wiww pwesent a speciaw half houw wepowt, “How big is the President?” hosted by Fwank Weynolds and Wodney Dangewfiewd. [ Ross enters the room with Rosalyn Carter and Dr. Edna Casey ] I see Woss Denton is appwoaching the podium and seems weady to speak. Wet’s wisten in.

Ross Denton: Good afternoon, good afternoon, ladies and gentleman of the press. First, as to the president’s condition, let me say that the president is feeling certainly “stronger” than he’s ever felt. And he would like to be with us right here, in this room if he could. I think now I’ll just open the door to questions-

Female Reporter #1: Yes, is it true that the president is 100 feet tall?

Ross Denton: Nooooo! Absolutely not!

Male reporter #3: Is the president 90 feet tall?

Ross Denton: No comment. Yes?

Male Reporter #1: Yes. While the Constitution does not specifically exclude giants and behemoths from the presidency, is it not true that the Mr. Carter’s enourmous size really violates the spirit of-

Dr. Edna Casey: Look! There he is! It’s the president!

[ a gigantic Jimmy Carter is seen outside of the window ]

Everyone in room: Mr. President! Mr. President!

President Jimmy Carter: Good afternoon, everybody. I’m afraid that since the army clothing engineers have been unable to fit me with a giant loincloth, I’ll have to adress you through this window. First, let me say that this experience has not changed my committment to nuclear power, nor do I believe that my enourmous size will in any way limit my abilities to perfrom my duties in my office. However, this will mean some changes in my personal life. Rosalyn, I hate to spring this on you this way, but I’d like to introduce you all to my future wife and my next first lady. She was a widow, and, until recently, a maintainance worker here at Two Mile Island. Miss Violet Crawford.

[ Violet comes in looking through the window, having also become a giant from radiation, as Rosalyn Carter hits the wall in shock ]

Violet: Hi, everybody. As First Lady, I’d like to say I have nothing against nuclear power, honey. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

[ Jimmy and Violet kiss, as Rosalyn sinks to the floor, appalled, as the reporters leave ]
[ fade out ]