Thursday, August 23, 2012

Paying Your Way: Physics Isn't Fair

Yesterday, while riding home, I inserted my Scattante into David Byrne's lip:

(At least I'm pretty sure that says "lip.")

As I mentioned yesterday, Byrne has designed some new bike racks for the Brooklyn Academy of Music, and as it happens later that day I found myself in the vicinity of that august institution. Immediately I remembered the rack, and so I resolved to stick my bike into it. At first I was skeptical, but as it turns out there are few acts as thrilling as becoming one with a piece of living art created by a true genius of our time. Of course, I'm not referring to parking my bike in David Byrne's rack; rather, I'm referring to reading Heather Hooters's column in the copy of "Juggs" magazine I found in a nearby wastebasket. It was only after finishing it (spoiler alert: it was about big breasts) that I got around to parking my bike in the rack. I certainly can't say it was as exciting as a found copy of "Juggs," but I'm sure the Brooklyn gentry will savor the experience of hitchin' up to Mr. Byrne's latest brainfart when they come down to see "Red Hook Summer" so that their next visit to Fairway will seem more culturally significant.

(By the way, the copy of "Juggs" was deposited into that wastebasket by a man driving a brand-new Hyundai Sonata with the sticker still in the window. I wouldn't swear it was David Byrne, but it sure looked like him, and the music coming from the car sounded a lot like Brian Eno.)

Sure, it's easy to laugh at idiots like this, but it's only a matter of time before someone succeeds in passing a law requiring cyclists to purchase a gallon of gasoline for every 20 miles traveled. (The fact that cyclists don't have to pay for gasoline seems to be at the heart of all this resentment.) But of all the idiotic things said by Dennis Farina's slow-witted cousin in the above video, this was probably the idioticest:

"Wouldn't you say that they're kinda like the one percenters of the commuter class?"

Apparently to work for the Chicago Tribune you don't even have to say things that make any form of sense, even as satire. Instead, it's sufficient to simply equate something you don't like with something other people don't like, even if the two things have absolutely nothing to do with each other. It's like saying, "Wouldn't you say that kayakers are kinda like the Nazis of the sea?" Anyway, you know who are the one percenters of the commuter class? The one percenters. Like this guy:

I swear to Lob, if another one of these entitled Wall Street assholes rolls up to me in the bike lane and asks me if I have any fancy mustard I'm going to put my U-lock right in his boeuf bourguignon.

It should be apparent to anybody with even the most meager cognitive ability that cycling is cheaper than driving not because of the laws of man but because of the laws of physics. Anyway, cyclists do their best to make it expensive anyway, which is why they buy stuff like Butnitz bikes. Incidentally, I recently visited the Budnitz Twitter where I read this:

You know, those guys in the "matching bike outfits" aren't embarrassed, they're tired. That's because they probably just got finished riding like nine hundred miles through the Rockies and are rolling home, whereas you're riding your designer city bike to brunch. They're not racing you. Thinking you're faster than people who are at rest is the primary symptom of the condition known as "New Cyclist's Exuberance." If left untreated, it can go on to cause other undesirable forms of behavior, like starting designer bike companies or inventing gratuitous accessories:

Every great inventor has his "Eureka!" moment, and the inventor of the Wingz seatpost rack had his during an ill-fated trip to the grocery store:

"One night I had to make a late-night run to the grocery store, and that's when I bought a 24-pack of water bottles, some cereal, and milk. And on the way home, every time we'd make a turn all the cargo would just fall off. So I ended up having to walk the bike home."

Sadly, between admitting that he purchases bottled water and revealing that he rides a Magna, he's just lost every single potential investor in Portland:

(To Portlanders, this is the equivalent of riding around in a Klan outfit.)

Nevertheless, this was his inspiration to invent the perfect seatpost rack:

"So that's when I decided to design my own seatpost rack. One that could adequately balance larger cargo without causing them to become off-balance and fall off."

Arguably, inventing the perfect seatpost rack is sort of like inventing the perfect suction cup car dashboard pad. Still, you have to admire him for boldly ignoring the fact that there's already an invention that can "adequately balance larger cargo without causing them to become off-balance and fall off," and it's called "The Box:"

(Modified box with cutouts for additional weight-savings.)

Instead, he went with barbecue-tongs-and-a-bungee:

Though I suppose in a pinch he could use it to take a hot dog off the grill.

Speaking of milk crates, the crate image above comes from a site called "Milkcrate Digest"--which, amazingly, exists:

Since learning about it, I've been elbow-deep in milk crate porn (milk crates are typically only elbow-deep)--and I even found some milk crate pet-portaging porn:

Awww, that dog's wearing a hlellment! ("Hlellment" is Welsh for "helment.")

Hopefully they'll charge him double for the passenger if he rides though Chicago.

You scared me when I scanned the page and saw Juggs and Robba the Fords on the same screen. I feared for what lay ahead lest you'd found a photo of his massive man boobs and posted it.

But it wasn't his jubblies at all, was it? It was a photo of some hot tottie, and we didn't get to see it. All this talk of penetrating Byrne's lips and holy milk crate porn has me all hot and bothered, and there is no outlet in sight.

Please be kind, Snobby-poo, and fair. Next time, share share, sugar bear.

The free ride will only be over when they bring back fines for jaywalking and start taxing newspaper columnists who spout fatuous bullshit. Say something stupid, that comes out of your account. Guy looks good in his little suit, though, I'll give him that.

NYC still has a long way to go before it can be considered bike friendly. Maybe they could start with finally closing the meager 9.5 miles of road that ring central and prospect parks to traffic finally. There are about 6,000 miles of roads in NYC and the DOT will have believe that if they close these 9.5 miles to cars that it will bring traffic in the city to a crippling standstill.

Regarding the charging of fees for cyclists: the introduction of gasoline taxes and parking fees was supported in the ~1920s as a way to legitimize motor vehicles' use of the streets, and to de-legitimize the use by pedestrians. Of course this worked because those who could afford cars also had enough disposable income to pay the fees, whereas the converse is not always true for cyclists. Nevertheless, user fees for cyclists *could* in some world be used to claim a bigger share of the road.

I have belatedly decided that I'm fine with ripping out all the bike lanes, as nice as they are. There are too many damn bikes in the bike lanes in Manhattan. It makes it very hard to get anywhere at a reasonable pace, especially with all the salmoning.

I'm a reasonably good city bicyclist, and at this point a Mad Max-style free-for-all would shave ten minutes off my trip to work as compared to the present approach, since the fashion victims riding 300-lb bikes at 5 MPH would magically vanish.

Actually, maybe the government CAN solve this. How about one of those newfangled public-private partnerships to build a bike-only tollway into Manhattan? I'd pay for that shit, as long as it had a passing lane.

I'm here to out the Bike Snob as a tool of the New World Order. First he mocks yet subtly encourages the "minimalist manifesto" and now he mocks while again promoting the...milk crate.

Nice subversion inversion Snob!

The PTB want us to believe we chose to be "minimalists" and chose to keep our paltry consumer items in milk crates and chose to portage these items via Magna bikes. We'll all be cool. Understand? Poor is cool. Living out of your milk crates is edgy, hip and blogable. We'll willingly drink PBRs and eat frozen burritos! Don't you all see?

@RCT: A mankini and a recumbent on the podium. I am so glad there were no visuals for that.

On the other hand, I couldn't get that Chicago doofus video to stop playing nor could I close the tab. That was hideous, the sort of thing I imagine nasty media magnates to be trying on us poor little people.

Wow, the Butnutz bike at their website has literally every feature that we'll someday look upon as a faddish trend of the "oughts": Single speed. Belt drive. Disc brakes. White tires. Leather (sorry Chamferer).

Excerpt: "Thought you might enjoy seeing a technique I've perfected to haul deer out of the woods using a bicycle and zip ties. I hunt in a road closure area in Western Washington which limits travel to foot or bicycle. The photos might make some folks squeamish but I'm proud of the "hack" aspect of this game hauling technique. "

No Lance apologist here. Doesn't that inch and a half of seat post left under the reflector seem like too little to *insert* into the frame? The one seat post that I had out on my workbench had the insertion mark at 4 inches. Maybe there are different rules for those Magna dual suspension mountain bikes.

Are those deer even legal? In my state they are required to have 12 inch spread or 15 inch length of one of the main beams.

The hack of the bike looks like it works, and that is all that counts, but just wondering if you are doing your part in the management of deer in your area. In most areas, it would make more since to kill does than to kill yearlings if you are only doing it for the meat.

Just like Lance, I must now come clean, and admit that every result I've ever had has been due to performance de-enhancing substances. I've now approached the UCI for support in reclaiming all those podium places that should have been mine. Cancer of the pants yabbies is not too high a price to pay.

I can judge Lance because I've never cheated, lied, stole, run a red light, had pre-marital sex, held racist thoughts, defiled women, took the Lord's name in vain (but I did take the train in vain), coveted my neighbor's wife, taken drugs...I'm pure!

Vance, while I do believe that we are on many levels "hypocrites" by nature (or design, if you prefer), I disagree that non adherence to Imaginary Sky Friend rules is necessarily an example of that. Believe it or not, there are many people that don't play that particular game.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!