Tag Archive for marriage

Responsive listening is a great
start to the art of listening. But it is not art of listening. Responsive
listening includes hearing the wishes of another person, considering our own
desires, and arriving at a mutual goal, one we can both agree to. We engage in
this sort of listening all the time (at least I hope you do). Anything from deciding
what to have for dinner to buying a new car to where we go on vacation involves
this type of responsive listening. And, this type of listening makes our
relationships more congenial and cooperative. It concludes the important
business of daily life. However, it does
not build the deep intimacy we long for in marriage. To build deep intimacy we need to listen for
more than mutual goals. We need to listen at a deeper level. We need to engage
in the art of attentive listening.

The art of attentive listening moves
us toward deeper emotional intimacy. It does not merely exchange information or
share in mutual problem-solving. No, the art of attentive listening shares
vulnerabilities and draws us together. It involves three things.

First, the art of attentive
listening demands we set aside our personal agenda (for a time) so we can focus
on the other person and what they mean to say. We will not think about our
own responses and so satisfy our agenda to sound wise. We will not think about
a counter argument to fulfill our agenda of “helping them see things
differently.” We will not even
think of a good compromise so we can negotiate an option that satisfies both
their agenda and our agenda. We will simply focus on them–their emotion, their
intent, their meaning, their agenda.

Second, the art of attentive
listening requires that we use verbal and nonverbal cues to communicate our
attention and understanding. The person who listens attentively responds
with facial expressions of understanding and focused attention. They ask
questions for further clarification and understanding. They invite further
comment with gestures and short verbal cues (“go on,”
“really,” “oh my,” “what?”).

Third, the art of attentive
listening involves curiosity not judgment. A person truly adept at
attentive listening hears more than the words of the speaker. They
“hear” the other person’s facial expression, gestures, and body
language. And, they do not respond with judgment. They respond with curiosity
instead. They express loving curiosity about the other person and the meaning
or intent of what they are communicating. They want to know how the topic has
impacted that person emotionally and mentally. Those who listen attentively are
genuinely curious about the other person and what they have to say.

Of course, we can’t engage in this
type of attentive listening all the time. There is a place for responsive
listening, compromise, and the completion of daily business. However, marriages
can get stuck in a pattern of responsive listening, a pattern of only communicating
to carry out the daily business of running a family and home. They become
business partners rather than a married couple. To keep a marriage strong, we
need the intimacy that we gain only through the art of attentive listening.
Give it a try. Take the initiative. Set aside your agenda for an evening and
engage in the art of attentive listening toward your spouse. You will be amazed
at the intimacy that blossoms from this practice.

Apologizing is humbling, even
difficult. It becomes even more difficult if you’ve ever experienced a time in
which apologizing backfired and just made things worse. Or, if you have
childhood memories of being forced to apologize for something you didn’t even do.
Maybe that’s part of the issue. No one ever taught us how to apologize.
In marriage, you will have plenty of opportunities to practice apologizing. It will
go much more smoothly if you take a moment to learn how to apologize
well. With that in mind, the first step in making an effective apology is to
answer two question.

The first question: What motives
underlie my desire to apologize? Why am I apologizing? Many times, we have
poor motives for apologizing.

Husband coming home late to an angry wife who is holding a rolling pin

For instance, apologizing just to
get back in good graces or to put the event behind us are bad motives for an
apology. Your spouse will see through the apology to the motive and become even
more upset.

Sometimes we apologize because we
fear our spouse will dislike us or remain angry at us. We don’t like other
people (especially our spouse) having negative emotions toward us. So, we
apologize in an attempt to free
ourselves from being disliked, to free ourselves from the burden of another person’s
negative emotions. It won’t work. It will only increase those negative
emotions. You need a different motive.

Sometimes we apologize because we
want our spouse to “forget it about it” and “get on with our
happy marriage.” We apologize to get our spouse to “move on.”
You’ve heard it, “Why are you still upset about this. I apologized.” Once
again, won’t work.

Sometimes we are tempted to disguise
our defense or justification for our action in an apology. These apologies start
with an “I’m sorry” followed by a “but” that transforms the
apology into a defense, justification, or blame. “I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t
have….” “I’m sorry, but I was tired.” “I’m sorry, but you have to understand….”
These apologies really aren’t apologies at all. Notice that each of the four motives
mentioned so far focus on “me” and “my” relief. They will
not work.

A motive for true apology is the
recognition that I did something hurtful to my spouse. I did or said something
wrong. I was thoughtless, rude, uncaring, hurtful. I love my spouse and I do
not want to hurt them. As a result, I want to apologize for hurting them. I
want to take ownership for my hurtful actions or words and apologize. I want to
tell my spouse how I plan to avoid those hurtful words and deeds in the future.
I apologize to sincerely express my sorrow for hurting the one I love and to explain
my plan to avoid doing it again.

The second question: to whom am I
going to apologize? Think about your spouse and their personality.

Some personalities welcome an apology.
They are glad to hear the apology but become upset recalling the hurt for which
you are apologizing. If you have experienced this in your marriage, know that
your spouse needs a comprehensive apology. They also need you to stick with them
so the two of you can process the original hurt. This will allow them to hear
your true remorse and your plan to avoid hurting them in a similar way in the
future. Don’t get caught up in their emotions. Stay calm. Stick with your
apology. Listen, empathize, and restate your plan to change.

Some personalities get uncomfortable
with the vulnerability and emotion aroused by an apology. They often accept
your apology with a quick “It’s alright” or “Don’t worry about
it.” Unfortunately, they may still
hold some resentment even as they avoid talking about it. So, take a moment to
let them know you are willing to talk more about it and answer any of their
questions and fears any time they like. Then be willing to do so.

What are your motives for
apologizing? What is the personality of the person to whom you are apologizing?
Answering these two questions before you begin will make your apology more
sincere and effective.

A study reported in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology suggested an interesting way to prevent the common cold. It’s all natural…no medications, no formulas. Even more, you can experience this in your life. There’s a good chance you already have. It’s very simple. It was explored in this study involving 47 women, blood samples, and questionnaires about relationships. What is this “cure for the common cold”? Falling in love. That’s right. When the women in this study “fell in love,” they experienced a boost in their immune system, especially the immune system involved in antiviral defenses. Of course, this does not guarantee improved immunity for the lifetime of a marriage. This study only showed improved immunity for those “falling” in love, those in the honeymoon stage, not those who experience long-term love. The research team plans to look at the health implications of long-term love relationships in future studies. But I wonder…. I have “fallen in love” over and over again during my 27-year marriage. It seems that new experiences and special moments bring out the feelings of “new love” all over again. A special night at a romantic restaurant…a weekend getaway for “just the two of us”…a romantic trip to a new location…a walk through the park hand in hand…it all sparks those feelings of new love, of falling in love. So, I wonder…could those experiences boost our immunity to defend against the common cold? I don’t know for sure. I guess I’ll have to wait for the research. But, in the meantime, I’m going to plan a few more romantic getaways…just in case. After all, those romantic getaways are a whole lot more fun than the common cold. (For other benefits of love read The Superpower You Can Give Your Spouse.)

I love love…and I love reading experiments about the power of love to influence our lives. If love is powerful, then the love of a spouse is a superpower. For instance, researchers at Brigham Young University subjected 40 couples to intentionally challenging tasks on the computer while measuring their pupil diameter (a rapid and direct measure of the body’s physiological level of stress). In one group, an individual from the couple worked alone on the task. In a second group, the person’s spouse sat near them and held their hand while they worked on the task. Both groups were initially stressed BUT the group that held hands with a loving spouse calmed down much more quickly. As a result, they were able to work on the task with reduced stress levels. Just having a loving spouse nearby holding their hand reduced their stress. That’s the superpower of a loving spouse.

In her book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson refers to several studies that show the power of love.

A study by Mario Mikulincer of
Bar-Ilan University in Israel monitored the heart rates of couples as they
responded to scenarios of couples in conflict. Those who felt close to their
partners (who knew the superpower of a spouse’s love) reported feeling less
angry and attributed less malicious intent to the partner. They expressed more
problem-solving initiative and made greater effort to reconnect. In other
words, a partner’s love decreased feelings of anger and increased the
perception of positive intent, even during arguments. That’s the superpower of
a loving spouse.

In addition, the power of love led
to a greater curiosity and willingness to try new things. That willingness to
explore and have adventures with the one we love increases intimacy and
personal growth. That’s the superpower of a loving spouse.

Jim Coyne, a psychologist at the
University of Pennsylvania concluded from the research that the love people share
with their spouse is a good a predictor of survival at four years after
congestive heart failure. In fact, it’s as good of a predictor of survival as
the severity of the symptoms and impairment caused by the congestive heart
failure. In other words, the power of a loving spouse is at least as powerful,
if not more powerful, as congestive heart failure. That’s the superpower of a loving
spouse.

One of my favorite studies in this
area shows the power love has over pain. At the University of Virginia women
received MRI brain scans while under the threat of possibly receiving a small
electric shock on their feet. You can imagine the stress of this threat. When a
loving partner held the women’s hands, they registered less stress on the MRI.
When they did receive a small shock, they experienced less pain! The happier (the
more loving) the relationship, the more pronounced the effect. In other words,
the power of love is stronger than shock, stress, and pain! That’s the superpower
of a loving spouse.

Maybe Huey Lewis was on to something when he sang, “that’s the power of love.” Or, maybe he needed to change the lyrics to “that’s the superpower of a loving spouse.” Then again, that just doesn’t rhyme. Nonetheless, the love of a spouse is a superpower…and I’m going to share that superpower with my spouse. How about you?

Two ancient sayings have been on my
mind lately. Both sayings are recorded by Paul, a Jewish follower of Christ.
And, although neither one is written in the context of marriage, they both have
a profound impact on our marriages. The first saying is short and sweet:
“Love is not self-seeking.” The second one reminds us that “Whoever
sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also
reap bountifully.”

I hate to admit it, but sometimes I
get tired and irritable. When I’m tired and irritable, I don’t want to be
generous. I don’t want to sow a smile or a kind word or an act of service.
Instead, I want to sulk, give short and even sarcastic responses, or isolate. In
other words, I become self-seeking. I watch out for “my own personal
interests” and desires. In the process, I neglect my spouse. I don’t pay
attention to her needs or struggles she may have encountered during the day.
You’ve had those days, haven’t you? We all have. If I am going to be totally
honest, sometimes I become self-seeking even when I’m not tired and irritable.
I just look out for myself sometimes because…well, because I just want things
to go my way. How about you? Ever had that experience?

Unfortunately, we also reap what we
sow. When we selfishness, we reap disconnection in response. When we sow a
sarcastic response or an isolating action in our irritability, we reap sorrow,
distance, and maybe even some criticism from our spouse. Our relationship grows
more disconnected in response to the seeds of self-seeking behaviors we sow.
Intimacy suffers as weeds of loneliness grow deeper roots and we reap sharper
thorns. If we allow this self-seeking behavior to continue to grow, we may find
ourselves simply engaging in physical intimacy to satisfy our own needs more
often than we express love in our intimacy. In general, sowing seeds of
self-seeking behaviors reaps disconnection, emotional distance, frustration,
and anger.

So, what can end the sowing of self-seeking
behaviors? Sow seeds of radical generosity instead. Yes, radical generosity is generosity
sown in the hard times, the times we feel tired, irritable, and selfish. Showing
generosity to our spouse in the good times is relatively easy. But sharing
generosity with our spouse when we are tired, irritable, feeling disconnected,
or simply feeling selfish is radical! And when we sow radical generosity, we
reap radical intimacy and connection. Radical generosity means giving your
spouse a hug and kiss upon returning home, especially when we’re tired. Radical
generosity gives a kind answer rather than a short, sarcastic response even
when we’re irritable. Radical generosity seeks to give pleasure to our spouse
rather than simply seeking our own release and pleasure. Radical generosity
serves even when tired. Radical generosity sows all these seeds of kindness,
affection, and service while wearing a smile.
Radical generosity is the opposite of self-seeking;
it is loving. Radical generosity will sow seeds of kindness, service, and love
into their marriage in great abundance and reap the same in a bountiful return.
Sow some radical generosity into your marriage today and watch the bountiful
harvest of love and intimacy grow! I going to go share some radical generosity
now…by helping prepare lunch. What about you?

Social
media is a wonderful way to share information with family and friends. You can
also communicate love and adoration for your spouse through social media. But,
studies have shown that sharing information online can also harm your marriage.
Too much time spent on social media, becoming overly involved with a person
other than your spouse, or sharing intimate information with others online can
all have a negative impact on your marriage. What can you do to protect your
marriage from the dangers of social media? One option is to open a joint
account rather than an individual account. With a joint account, you both share
information and have an open awareness of what each person posts.

Another option was recently discussed in a series of five studies completed by Carnegie Mellon University and University of Kansas. Briefly, the first study revealed that on-line self-disclosure lead to a romantic partner reporting less intimacy in their marriage. It confirmed the dangers to a marriage when one partner uses social media to share personal and emotional information.

The second
study suggested that attachment style also impacts how a person responds to
on-line self-disclosure. Specifically, people who naturally struggle to connect
emotionally and experience difficulty building trust (those with an avoidant
attachment style) reported less intimacy and lower marital satisfaction as
their spouse disclosed a greater quantity of intimate information on line. The
third study suggested that people report lower intimacy and lower marital
satisfaction when they perceive their partner’s self-disclosure as more
self-revealing, more personal or more emotional.

The fourth
study found that people felt lower intimacy and lower marital satisfaction when
their partner posted emotional or personal information to greater numbers of
people versus just to them (and maybe
one other person).

In
summary, these four studies suggest that revealing emotional, personal
information online leads to less intimacy and less marital satisfaction. Their
partner may feel left out, unimportant, or insecure. The fifth study in this
series, however, suggested that including your partner in posts can change all
this and contribute to higher marital intimacy and satisfaction. In other
words, if you are not going to have a joint account, be sure to include your
partner in your posts. The takeaway of all this? Don’t post alone. Include your
spouse in your posts. It will increase intimacy in your marriage and make you
both feel a greater sense of satisfaction in your marriage.

Every now and again, I bring home
flowers for my wife. (Now that I think about it, maybe I should do that today.)
We put them in a vase with water and enjoy them…until they wilt. We also have
flowers in a flower garden in our back yard. Guess which flowers last longer.
You know it; the flowers in our backyard. They are planted in rich, nurturing
soil that generously provides the nutrients they need to grow and blossom time
and again.

Our marriages also need a rich,
nurturing soil to generously provide the nutrients necessary for our marriages
to grow and blossom time and again. Each spouse is part of the rich soil in
which your marriage is planted. And, from our richness we need to generously
provide at least seven nourishing qualities in extravagant abundance to our
spouse and our marriage.

Generously give your time…lots of it. I’ve quoted it before and I’ll quote it again, “Love is spelled T.I.M.E.” We give our time to those people and things that are important to us. So, make sure your “Daily Planner” reflects the priority of your spouse and your marriage. Give them the time reflective of their value. (Practice a marital sabbath to give time to your spouse.)

Generously give your caring attention and presence. Spending time with your spouse is important. However, it takes more than merely being a body in their vicinity. Lavish them with your caring attention. Let your active daily involvement in your spouse’s life, your presence in their life, speak of your concern, love, and affection.

Generously give your ears. Remember the saying, “You have two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much as you talk.” Give your spouse your ears in abundance. Listen deeply. Listen intently. Listen to understand. Listen. Listen. Listen. (Listening deeply in this way will prove a powerful way to improve your marriage.)

Generously give your affection. It’s been said “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth” (Virginia Satir). Don’t keep your marriage on a survival mode. Be generous. Give your marriage what it needs for growth, lots and lots of affection in words and actions every day. (For more on the power of generous hugs and affection read And a Hug to Grow On.)

Generously give simple acts of kindness and service. Kindness and service are powerful. They proclaim our love. They melt hearts and restore relationships. They nurture an environment of encouragement. They stimulate greater intimacy. Give kindness and service to your spouse with extravagant generosity. (Try these 31 Acts of Kindness to Strengthen Your Marriage.)

Generously give forgiveness. We all make mistakes. We all need forgiveness from time to time. Forgiveness is necessary for a marriage to survive and flourish. Give your spouse forgiveness as often as needed. And, if you’re asking for forgiveness bear the fruit of repentance with great abundance.

Generously give prayer for your spouse’s well-being. Notice I say pray for your spouse’s “well-being.” Don’t ask that they change to become the person you want them to become. Accept them and pray for their well-being. Pray for their happiness. Pray for them to feel loved. ….(Read Improve Your Marriage with One Simple, Daily Activity for more on the power of prayer in your marriage.)

Yes, generosity can save your marriage. Throw
caution to the wind and start lavishing these seven gifts of grace on your
spouse today. And watch your marriage blossom and grow.

I’m always on the lookout for ways
to improve communication skills in marriage. Communication skills involve the
sharing of ideas. They include the ability to verbalize ideas effectively and to
listen more attentively. Learning both these skills will help any relationship,
including our marriages, grow stronger. So, when I came across this little
communication gem, I had to share it with you. It is a simple, powerful tool to
help both the speaker and the listener communicate more effectively. I call it
“a breath of fresh ears” (yes, “ears” not “air”).

Many times, communication breaks
down because we respond too quickly. We impatiently finish the other person’s sentence,
interrupting them in mid-sentence or talking over them before they have finished
talking. On the other hand, you’ve probably had times when your spouse left you
little to no room to even respond. They go on and on as though in a filibuster
for the floor. Conversation becomes almost like a competition to “get a
word in edgewise.” In this process, ideas are lost and misunderstandings
arise. You and your spouse begin to feel “talked over,” ignored, or
unheard. Emotions flare. But, “a breath of fresh ears” can change all
this.

What is “a breath of fresh
ears”? Before you respond to your spouse, take a breath. That’s it. Pause
long enough to take a breath. When you do, several things might happen. First,
you’ll realize how difficult it is to slow down long enough to take a breath
before responding. We live in a frenzied world that has grown uncomfortable
with a slower pace that allows for miniscule moments of silence. So, we jump in
with what we believe our spouse is saying or respond to get our idea “on the
floor.” We are saturated with the self-absorbed mindset of our world and so
interrupt our spouse to make sure our “oh-so-important-point” is
heard. Taking a “breath of fresh ears” means slowing down. Take a breath. Then
speak…which brings me to the second thing you might learn.

Second, you’ll experience times
when your spouse starts talking again. You thought they were done but, in the
momentary pause of your breath, they decided to tell you more. Humble yourself
by putting your agenda aside for a moment and listen some more. As a reward,
you will learn more about your spouse. You will find they had more to say and
in that moment of silence created by your small breath, were able to formulate
a greater understanding of what they really wanted to communicate. Their
communication may even become more clear.

Third, you’ll find that the
“breath of fresh ears” really does give you fresh ears. In that
momentary pause you will find the time to reflect and reconsider your response.
You will answer more in tune with your partner. You will answer with greater
compassion and wisdom. You will answer in a way that “gives grace to the moment.”
And all of that will strengthen rather than hinder your relationship.

Three benefits from “a breath
of fresh ears…” oh, and a fourth benefit. “A breath of fresh
ears” will create a more relaxed and enjoyable conversation with your
spouse. The conversational competition will end as interruptions decrease and
everyone is allowed to finish their own thoughts. You and your souse will
relax. And, perhaps most important, you will learn more about yourself and your
partner. Try it out. Give your conversation “a breath of fresh ears”
and enjoy the growing intimacy you will experience.

Do you live in a home called
“Bicker Central”? Does everything escalate into arguments, angry
comments, and hurtful jabs? Do you walk away from interactions fuming with
frustration? Worse, has any relationship in your family escalated to the point
that you feel tension just coming into the same room as the other person?
“Bicker Central” is a hard home in which to live…but all too easy to
move into. Moving into “Bicker Central” generally begins with simple
hurts, criticisms left unresolved. These criticisms come in the form of words
and actions—a parent redoing a child’s chore because they didn’t do it well
enough, a left-handed compliment, a disagreement on priorities, feeling as
though your loved one invests more time and energy in other priorities and
leaves you feeling neglected or abandoned, etc. The underlying hurt of unresolved
criticisms erupt into burning lava flows of anger, resentment, bitterness,
withdrawal, ignoring, and possibly even name-calling and threats. Each person
involved begins to see the relationship through filters that justify continued resentment. Innocent remarks are received as though they
are negative comments, adding fuel to the fire of anger. Effort and positive
actions are overlooked while mistakes and actions that innocently “miss
the mark” are used to justify continued bitterness. A negative cycle of
disrespect, anger, guilt, and bitterness drive the relationship further into
the pits of hurt and despair. “Bicker Central” is a painful place to
live.

Knowing the foundation of
“Bicker Central”—the resentments of unresolved hurts—gives you the
opportunity to rebuild your relationship. You can change it from “Bicker
Central” to “House of Peace” with a few key actions.

Consider how your own actions impact the other person. How does your resentment and your angry responses influence the other person? How does your “look” and your tone of voice influence the other person? How do your actions, gestures, words, and tone of voice perpetuate and escalate the problem? Answer honestly and begin to make changes that can have a better outcome, the outcome you desire. As the saying goes, “Be the change you want to see.”

Consider what hurts underlie the foundation of “Bicker Central.” How were you hurt in the constructing of “Bicker Central”? How was the other person hurt? If you have hurt the other person, apologize. If you have been hurt, practice forgiveness. The important question is NOT “who started it,” but “what can I do to help change the relationship for the better?”

Practice empathy. Imagine how the other person feels in this situation. What have they lost as a result of living in “Bicker Central”? Allow yourself to have compassion for the suffering the other person has endured because of their conflict with you. Yes, you have suffered as well. However, someone has to initiate the change…and you can do it by nurturing compassion and empathy for the other guy.

Practice kindness. Intentionally seek out opportunities to show kindness to the other person. Determine to speak and think kindly about them. Perhaps you can begin this step with a 30-day kindness challenge as suggested by Shaunti Feldhahn.

Practice gratitude. Once again, this demands intentionality. Find at least one thing every day for which you can thank the other person. Then do it. Verbally thank them for something they have done.

These are not simple actions. They
take effort and intentionality. However, they will change the environment of
your home from “Bicker Central” to a “House of Peace.” Will
you begin today?

The average cost of a wedding in the United States today is $33,931. That is a lot of money. There’s not necessarily anything wrong with spending money on a beautiful wedding; but, it does raise an important question: are we investing in a beautiful wedding or are we investing in a long-term committed relationship? In 2014, two people collected data from 3,000 people in the US that helps to answer that question…and the statistics did not give a great answer to that question. They found that the length of a marriage decreased as the price of the wedding increased! To state that the other way around: the greater the cost of the wedding the shorter the marriage lasted. Perhaps this is due to the increased debt of higher priced weddings, but really debt related divorce is more about how couples handle the stress together rather than the stress itself. These results are more likely related to whether the couple and their families prioritize the marriage or the status of the big wedding more. Either way, these results should make us think twice about our wedding preparations, to lead us to focus more on relational strength than on just the wedding ceremony itself.

On the other hand, this same study
suggests that the higher the number of guests in attendance, the less likely
the divorce. In other words, a relatively inexpensive wedding (one that fits
the budget) that is highly attended, is a predictor of a longer marriage. I
believe that this “attendance factor” provides a couple of
advantages. One, it reveals the number of people invested in helping this
couple succeed in marriage. Second, it allows the couple the opportunity to
make a public commitment to one another and to their marriage before loving
witnesses. This public commitment invites those witnesses to support and
nurture their marriage.

As you prepare for marriage ask yourself: are you planning a wedding or a marriage? Planning for your marriage involves much more than simply planning a beautiful wedding. Planning for a marriage means investing less in the ceremony and more in ways to build your relationship skills and relational strength. It means investing in your ability to resolve conflict, work as a team, develop a marital purpose, sacrifice, and serve. Planning for a marriage means inviting other long-term married couples into your life as mentors and supports. It requires humbling yourself as a couple to learn from other successful couples. Don’t worry…you’ll still have a wonderful wedding day and a fantastic honeymoon…but you can also have a long and happy marriage.