Posts Tagged ‘lawyers’

IF YOU’VE EVER BEEN CALLED FOR JURY DUTY…..

THEN YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS IS PRICELESS!

Hope you enjoy a good laugh!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..______________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.______________________________ ______________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget.ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?______________________________ _____________ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?WITNESS: We both do.ATTORNEY: Voodoo?WITNESS: We do.ATTORNEY: You do?WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.______________________________ ______________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, “isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?______________________________ ______ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.______________________________ _____________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?______________________________ ___________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid______________________________ ______________ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.Can I get a new attorney?______________________________ ______________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.____________ __________________ ______________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.______________________________ _______ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.______________________________ ___________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral.______________________________ ___________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.______________________________ ______________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________ ________And the best for last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No .ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

He will have his hands in someone else’s pockets.

**

Tax Attorney:

‘What part of etc, etc, etc don’t you understand?’

Malpractice Attorney:

‘My client is therefore NOT guilty of malpractice. All he is guilty of is an error in judgment. He should have decided to be a plumber.”

A command was given to a dog: “SPEAK!”
The dog said in return: “Not without my lawyer present!”

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop? A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many criminal lawyers in the U.S.? A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What’s the difference between a divorce lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.

There are no honest lawyers

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.

“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer’.”

“But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer.

“Sure it will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s impossible!”

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Just before Xmas, an honest politician, two forthright bankers, three generous lawyers and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the New York Palace Hotel. As the elevator travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $100 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked up the $100 bill, and handed it in at reception?

Santa of course, the others don’t actually exist!

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How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

Three – one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

What’s the difference between a tax attorney and a pit bull?

Jewelry.

How can you tell when a criminal attorney is lying?

His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

How do you get a group of criminal lawyers to smile for a picture?

Just say “Fees!”

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”

“Well, your Honour,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”