Thursday, August 29, 2013

UMass

I'm still not sure if it's UMass or UMASS. I AM sure, however, that I will be staying in Friday night. It's a no-brainer. Not only do I wanna be fresh for the bullshit 11 a.m. kickoff on Saturday, but I'm currently elbow-deep in Breaking Bad. Burned through the first season in two days and I see no reason to stop. Spending a Friday night marathoning a TV show without an early football game the next day? LOSER CITY POPULATION 1. But doing it with that 11 a.m. kickoff hanging in the balance? Why, you're just being smart and making sure you're on top of your game the next day.

(For the record, I'm anticipating not being able to sleep out of pure excitement, meaning I'll probably stay up later sober than I would if I just went out and got plastered. But not having that Saturday morning hangover is the CRUX of this plan, and I hardly EVER get to have cruxes.)

PS - Seriously, Breaking Bad is fantastic and I already can see why everyone's been telling me, 'Dude, you're going to LOVE this show!' Quick thoughts [obligatory SPOILERS warning if you've never watched]:

I think the only thing I don't like about it is all the cancer talk. I find myself unknowingly checking my entire body for lumps while watching and I'm very scared of cancer right now.

Walter is like a superhero whose power is CHEMISTRY. Part of me wishes that he wore a wig when he was Walter, but went shaved head when he was MR. WHITE, DEFENDER OF THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ASS-KICKING.

Not gonna lie, that car sex scene outside the high school was the first time in my life I was jealous of someone who owned a Pontiac Aztek. BECAUSE HE WAS GETTIN' AZZ. Oh fuck me that's terrible.

Did I get a little emotional when Walt Jr. told his dad that he was a pussy and to just die already? YES I DID.

I'm a little confused how Jesse went from boning some hot blonde to getting a ride from a meth-head with meth-teeth. Perhaps his self-confidence has dwindled?

My single biggest regret about not watching this show from day one is that I couldn't be the person to make this:

CHICAGO BADGERS: Can I PREEMPTIVELY order my cheese curds right now? Like, ideally, I walk into Will's, there's a table reserved for me, and there's a thing of curds sitting there with a bucket of ranch and a bushel of beer. I'll go so far as to call that PEAK LIFE. So yeah, I'll be at Will's, and if you had half a brain and that half of a brain enjoyed having fun, you'd be there as well.

LAST CALL FOR MUSKY QUEENS: Got a few responses, but this is your last chance: if you're running for Musky Queen, let me know! I will randomly* pick one girl to officially ENDORSE**. This could be you:

*Probably random.

**By 'endorse', I mean ask everyone here to vote for you early and often and create official campaign propaganda for you. I'm not talking about passing out flyers (you can do that if you want), but I'll do my best from the comfort of my keyboard to help you win the GOLDEN MUSKY or whatever it is you get as Musky Queen.

The original UMass Amherst mascot was the Redmen, but because this was offensive they changed to the Minutemen in the 70's. I really love that back in the 70's they were like, 'Hey, wait, maybe Redmen is kinda tasteless and will offend some Native Americans. Let's change it, just to be safe.' And in 2013, the Washington Motherfucking REDSKINS still exist and their asshole owner REFUSES to acknowledge that it's downright ridiculous to name your professional football team the REDSKINS. You know me, I'm not one to get politically correct on the reg, but COME ON.

Peter Laird, co-creator of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I'm not ashamed to admit that the link for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wiki page was already clicked in my browser. BEEN THERE, WIKI'D THAT. And I don't know what it says about me that I used to be all-Michelangelo. all the time but now I'm firmly on Team Leo. Regardless, if you wanna spot the weird kid at the table, just ask who likes Raphael the most. Such a dick.

Bill Pullman, President of the United States of America. President Whitmore's 'today, we celebrate our INDEPENDENCE DAY' speech is like Bush's 9/11 speech and FDR's 'date which will live in infamy' speech wrapped up into one, with a dash of William Wallace's 'FREEEEDOMMMMM!' on top. I'm not joking when I say I get goosebumps every time I listen to this speech. It's one thing to hunt some dirty terrorists in the desert. It's another to take on an entire brainwashed Japanese army. But it's a whole different beast to inspire the entire fucking WORLD to demolish an aggressive, asshole alien race. And it's not like President Whitmore stopped there: we're short on pilots? Fuck it, President Whitmore will transform into GUNNERY SERGEANT WHITMORE. I don't remember Bush strapping on a backpack and hunting goddamn terrorists. I don't remember FDR, well... I actually don't doubt for one second that FDR would have killed 10 million Japanese soldiers if he were physically capable. The man was a renaissance badass, the greatest president the United States has ever seen, and the number one guy from the history of the world that I'd like to get blackout drunk on scotch with. SO MANY PREPOSITIONS.

PS -

And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today, we celebrate our INDEPENDENCE DAY!"

PPS - Greatest movie presidents, IN ORDER:

1) President James Marshall, Air Force One. Deep within my above average strength bones, I want to knock President Marshall down a few notches for being a Michigan fan. But no president out there is capable of pulling off what Marshall did on that fateful flight. Not only was President Marshall fearless and calculating, but he proved incredibly resourceful in both defeating the terrorists, and in flying Air Force One himself. Terrorist ass-kicker, emergency pilot, master quipper... President Marshall could do it all.

2) President Thomas Whitmore, Independence Day. Is it weird that I've always confused Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton? One fought tornadoes and had a million wives; the other fought aliens and had one dead wife. It shouldn't be that hard to keep them separate, and yet... THE CONFUSION REMAINS.

3) President Beck, Deep Impact. The only way I'll ever be content with the President telling me we're all going to die is if Morgan Freeman is that president. I hope he got JLo ass insurance on his voice. Also, the plan to hide a million people in caves and leave everyone else to die was cold-blooded x100.

4) President Really Good Speech Giver, Armageddon AND The Rock.

The Rock:

Armageddon:

PS - Got a serious problem with the single mother not telling her kid about his dad until she saw him going into space to save the world. ASTRONAUT JERSEY CHASER.

PPS - Absolutely love that in both movies, they didn't even bother giving the president a name. He's just there to give a moving speech with dramatic music building in the background. And he nails it both times. GOOD JOB, PRESIDENT ROCK MCGEDDON.

Last call for submissions. Did you do something awesome that everyone should know about? Hit me up. Honorable mentions next week.

MATCHUPS TO WATCHBadass Shifty 3-4 Blitzing Badger Defense vs. Sad UMass OffenseIf there's one thing I'm really excited about with the coaching transition, it's the philosophical changes on the defensive side of the ball. Gone are the days of boring 4-man rushes and 10 yard cushions for receivers. In their place, Andersen and defensive coordinator Dave Aranda are installing a base 3-4 defense with two core values: 1) Get after the quarterback from all angles, and 2) Press coverage on the outsides. Yes, there are gonna be some plays this year where we get burned deep. When you combine a new system with a relatively young secondary, that's just the price of admission. But this team is LOADED with outside rushers eager to burst off the edge and eat some quarterback face. BONUS POINTS: Borland is gonna do some edge rushing this year and oh my god the thought of that is just glorious.11 a.m. Post-Game Nappers vs. All-Day Power-Through DrinkersIt's one or the other. Either you're the type that's gonna get really drunk, go home around 2:30, take a hard nap and then rally for the night... or you're gonna just spread that booze out from 10 a.m. until the wee hours of Saturday night. Personally, I like to hang out in the latter category. I think naps are TERRIBLE, and drunk-naps have been known to consume entire evenings more often than not. Ideally, we'd all rage until the late afternoon, eat a giant meal to soak up all that booze (I still to this day am not sure if that's real science), and then get right back in the swing of things with some drinking games and a pre-bar. That's the Saturday I'm shooting for, AND I AIN'T MISSING.RANDOM MUSIC I'M DIGGING HARD THIS WEEKNat King Cole, Natalie Cole - Unforgettable

It's pretty cool that after her father died, Cole mixed her newly-recorded vocal track with his original song. It won like 18 Grammys. Genius.Vampire Weekend - Diane Young

I think I referred to these guys as the Vampire Diaries to mock my roommates for listening to them even though I had no clue what songs they did. Then I realized I kinda like them! Joke's on me! In my face!Arcade Fire - Rebellion (Lies)

I think Arcade Fire are top 5 in my list of bands I should just sit down and listen to multiple albums already. I know like three of their songs, enjoy them, and stopped there. It's foolish. I'm working on it.The White Stripes - Fell In Love With A Girl

At this point I'm reduced to browsing through Grandland's 'Top 64 Songs of the Millennium' playlist for ideas. This millennium has kinda sucked musically, but maybe that's just me being old. Or maybe that's just me lamenting that like 5% of these songs have real instruments, like guitars, in them.THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKUThe day has arrivedWisconsin football is backAll is well againYOUTUBE

Honestly, I would do some terrible, morally reprehensible things to own this raptor costume. As in, I'd murder the person who dubbed the sound of the T-Rex from Jurassic Park into that video when it's clearly a raptor. It's almost as if the Japanese have ZERO understanding how how dinosaurs work. Speaking of dinosaurs:

Giraffic Park. Love it. And I felt inspired:

My Snap game is ON POINT.

TRAIN MURDER, ROCK ON (audio highly recommended).

This guy bought one of those horrifying animatronic bands from a pizza place and taught them 'Pop, Lock & Drop It'. I really need to know where this is set up. In his home somewhere? In some mysterious, evil warehouse he rents out? Nightmare fuel... WITH A BEAT.

I give you... The Mortal Kombat Shawarma MASTER.#FOODPORN

FLAWLESS segue into the shawarma #foodporn pic. I went to Benjyehuda for the first time and it was DELIGHTFUL. Everyone in there was super nice, my food was ready in like 8 seconds, and they tossed in all that extra sauce you see there fo' FREE. I hate when places nickel and dime you over sauces. That shit costs next-to-nothing to make. I just bought $10 worth of food. And now you wanna ring me up an extra $.80 for some buffalo sauce? Forget the money - that's just annoying.Oh yeah - the food. Not only was the shawarma itself delicious (I went with the steak or lamb or whatever animal it was), but the fries were AWESOME. Didn't expect that at a shawarma factory, but I will 100% be going back. Not to mention the hot sauce was SWIMMING with pepper seeds and had some very legitimate kick to it. Good stuff.

UPDATE: Went back. Didn't realize they had Merkts Cheddar on the menu. Game has been changed.#SKYPORN

Good GOD. Is this an optical illusion? Remember when everyone was buzzing about how Packers rooking running back Eddie Lacy was fat because of this picture? I think this might be the same thing except the only difference is Lacy is a 23 year old NFL running back and Bielema somehow found a way to get fatter after LEAVING Wisconsin. He's wearing clothes and this is STILL worse than that shirtless pic of his gullet.PS - $50 for a 16x20 print, if you rally the money I'll hang this shit on my wall forever until a girl domesticates me and FORCES me to remove it. 100% serious. Put your money where your mouth is, but don't put it where Bielema's mouth is unless you never want to see your hand again.I NEVER WANT TO STOP RIDING THE CTA

ENHANCE:

#thingsthatlooklikefacesPREDICTION CITY

Let's save the rambling over-analysis for the REAL games. Gary Andersen is leaving the Camp Randall field a WINNER for the first time in his career, and lord help us, there will be many more to follow. Minutemen can't hang, student section peaces after Jump Around, everyone gets drunk, has fun, and sings the songs they like to sing. THE PICK:WISCONSIN 52, UMASS 10