With the Christmas party season coming up, Derek my M10 love is going to give up managing a fancy dress company after his experience last year.

On discrimination.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Yoo hoo Mister Gribble, waving at you madly from over here dearie!

On 23/11/2012 MisterGribble wrote:>And thank god for Natimuk Glitterati, they crop up just when you need them!

This, of course, is not always the case is it dearie?
Take this other recent example that Derek told me about!

A regional radio station in Vic was holding a competition for their listeners. People had to call in with words that were not listed in the dictionary and if they could use it in a sentence, they would win a prize.

After a couple of uneventful hours and unsuccessful attempts, an old Nati glitterati phones in:

Host; "Yes, caller, you're on the air - state the word and spell it out for us"
Caller; "Yep, the word is 'gaan', spelt g-a-a-n"
Host; "Hmmm, yes my producer has just confirmed that it is not in the dictionary, so if you can use it in a sentence, you will win a prize"
Caller; "Gaan f--- yourself!"
The host immediately disconnects him, becomes flustered and apologises to the listeners for the obscene language.

Anyway, a couple of hours later, there is another call coming through:

Host; "Caller, you're on the air - what's the word and how's it spelt?"
Caller; "Smee, s-m-e-e"
Host; "Yes, I can confirm that 'smee' is not in the dictionary, so if you can use it in a sentence, you will win a prize"
Caller; "Smee again, gaan f--- yourself!"

Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and drafts you.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Political Correctnessism: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

On 14/12/2012 PDRM wrote:>Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or>your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.>>Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what>you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk>them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk>down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the>missing cows.> >Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of>them, and you all share the milk.> >Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.> >Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone>to tell you who gets the milk.> >Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and drafts>you.> >Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take>care of them, and sells you the milk.> >Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.> >Political Correctnessism: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership”>is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently>aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.> >Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and>puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken>farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from>the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as>the regulations say you should need.> >Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts>them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all>the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

WOW now I know why I gave up milking my 250 cows (but my reason was I was going to between 50 and 150 thousand to milk them for a year

Derek my M10 love and I wish all you Chockstone dearies a happy Christmas, and the best of climbing for 2013.

It is a busy time of year at the moment what with the festive season in full swing, and Friday came and went too quickly yesterday, but Derek has found a number of things for me to share with you (late), that seem to sum up the Christmas we all know and love in these modern days we live in, especially after having survived the Mayan end of the world prophecy recently.

Latest message from OHS.

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last years well publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, DoCS have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman?

• 10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
• 09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
• 08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
• 07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
• 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
• 05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
• 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
• 03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
• 02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
• 01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

• Why doesn’t Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the chimney.
• Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
• What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs.
• Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
• How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party? Chick to chick!
• What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells!
• What’s easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?? A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles!!
• On the first Xmas, the first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure."Jesus Christ!" he yelled.The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, "Now, Joseph, isn’t that a better name for the kid than Irving?"
• Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
• What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
• What did the big candle say to the little candle? I’m going out tonight!
• What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross mouse cards!
• What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards? A – ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L!!)!
• Where do mistletoe go to become famous? “Holly” wood!
• Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
• How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ? They both have ornamental balls.

Little Timmy writes to Santa

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
________________________________________

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
________________________________________

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs Nice” contract,set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones
________________________________________

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
________________________________________

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

Yoo hoo Mr M9, waving at you madly from over here dearie. Derek my M10 love tells me that you posted concerns about chickens and soft tar lately. You have not done something that warrants being tarred and feathered for have you?
If it is simply a case of you being concerned about wildlife on the roads, then it is justified!
Derek told me about the following study which validates your concerns.

A recent study has found over 280 dead crows near Natimuk Victoria, and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

Victorian Government hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.

Crows are quite clever and can count up to ten, plus improvise items as tools (this has been confirmed in other expensive studies), so when crows decide to eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the problem was their limited vocabulary, as the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

Now you know!

Yoo hoo Mr M75. Waving to you too dearie.
Derek told me a while back that you have a penchant for all things shoes on your climbs, so you might be interested that I managed to get a gasp out of him the other day on that score.
This is how it went.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" I demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," he gulped.
"Here we go, then," I said, and showed him the receipt!

On 11/01/2013 MrsM10iswhereitsat. wrote:>Yoo hoo Mr M9, waving at you madly from over here dearie. Derek my M10>love tells me that you posted concerns about chickens and soft tar lately.>You have not done something that warrants being tarred and feathered for>have you? >If it is simply a case of you being concerned about wildlife on the roads,>then it is justified!

Indeed!

Thanks for your concern MrsM10, but Derek was referring to a post I made on the m/cycling climbers thread, that wasn't about wildlife on the road but the hazard of soft tar.
The chicken reference was about the strips of rubber whiskers that remain on the edges of motorcycle tyres that never get worn off, due seldom coming in contact with the road. All to do with lean angles and fear, not deeds warranting punishment!

One good funny deserves another. I gather you are a bit of a romantic, so here you go...

Marriage in heaven.

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

Derek my M10 love found the following study results that some might appreciate knowing, though I don't agree with the outcome.
(Yes thinking of you here Mr widewetandslippery and maybe Mr wallwombat too).

Beer vs women

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not..1 point for beer!

Beer is horrible, when it is hot..1 point for women!

A cold beer satisfies you..1 point for beer!

For a beer, you pay taxes..1 point for women!

If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry..1 point for beer!

You can always be sure that, you are the first one opening a beer..1 point for beer!

If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself..1 point for beer!

You know exactly how much a beer costs..1 point for beer!

A beer does not have a mother..1 point for beer!

A Beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after having it..1 point for beer!

So the Score is...

Beer beats women
8 to 2

If you're a guy, enjoy this message..If you are a woman reading this and getting angry, know that a beer would never get angry..FINAL SCORE : 9 to 2

I have noticed the use of the word shit comes up from time to time on this lovely Forum, and it got me to wondering about the use of this term despite the efforts of the lovely Mods, so I did some research. It seems shit is the anglosaxon version of schitt and I investigated further.

Derek my M10 love has been quite excited by the discussions on this lovely site this week, though he says they have mostly been rather serious in content, along with the usual smattering of threats and promises. He also tells me that he finds the hardest thing to work out amongst all the fluff is just what Mr ODH is on about, so found me a few funnies to post that he says might help him to lighten up.

Three Nun's involved in a climbing accident.

Three Nun's were climbing a multipitch up in the mountains when all of a sudden they had a FF2 onto the belay and met their end.

The next moment all three find themselves standing at the pearly gates of heaven and a large angel standing in front.

The Angel said "Before I can let you in, you each need to answer a question I have for you."

The Angel said to the first Nun; "Who was the first man on earth?"

The first Nun said "Easy! That would be Adam"
Bells chimed, the pearly gates opened, and in went the first Nun.

The Angel said to the second Nun; "Who was the first woman on earth?"

The second Nun said, "Easy! That would be Eve."
Bells chimed, the pearly gates opened, and in went the second Nun.

The Angel said to the third Nun; "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The third Nun was a little shocked at the degree of difficulty of her question, "Gee that's a hard one!" she said.

Bells chimed, the pearly gates opened, and in went the third Nun.

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers and crew on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The captain of the aircraft said "This plane is about to crash!", while strapping on a parachute and jumping out.

The first passenger said, "I am Julia Gillard the prime Minister of Australia, and I am the most brutal woman politician in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The next passenger, a climber named One Day Hero, said, "I'm the smartest (and most famous) internet personality on Chockstone, and I still have some retards to crucify." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The third passenger, President Obama, said to the fourth, a 10-year-old schoolgirl (who also happened to be a computer literate newbie climber!), “I am the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die; nevertheless, I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

A well known golden haired Nati local was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his bouldering friend moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth........in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted................

"OK, OK! So I can't park the f---ing car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

Deary me Mr M9, are you sick or something and have forgotten that Derek is a Collingwood supporter? No, no, I don't think he will appreciate that funny at all.
Your lapse of concentration did however remind me of the following funny. I hope you enjoy it, but if you don't, then come back and read it again after a cup of tea. Just be careful not to get caught in an endless loop!

Wishful thinking.

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his laptop.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever,
"That was your first wish, too!"

I try not to do ironing, and the minds of women are apt to change so let's not go there shall we.

Derek my M10 love tells me that Chockstone has been rather serious lately and that he thinks many posters should probably lighten up. He always does this with a beer, so he reckons I should pass on the following funny for today. It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Queensland, though I prefer a good cup of tea myself.

Beer convention.

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association,
the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys
(New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and
Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the
same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of
Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, "Make mine a VB."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers,
the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the
cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed
his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well, he said with a shrug, if you wankers aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

Derek leans over and asks his lovely wife MrsM10iswhereitsat, "Do you remember that time we had sex together during our first trip to Mt Arapiles all those years ago? We went behind the mountain where you leaned against the fence next to some paddocks and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about we drive around there again and we do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Derek, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

One Day Hero happens to be lying in his tent next to them and overhears their conversation. Having a chuckle to himself he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. Maybe I will follow behind discretely.

The elderly couple drive along the dirt road and somewhere past the Northern Group they park their car and start wandering through the scrub with the aid of walking sticks. One Day Hero parks his car nearby and watches from afar. Finally they get to the edge of the bush and make their way to the fence. MrsM10iswhereitsat lifts her skirt and old Derek drops his trousers. As MrsM10iswhereitsat leans against the fence, good old Derek moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that One Day Hero has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

One Day Hero is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. One Day Hero is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, 'I've got to ask them what their secret is'.

So, as the couple reach their car, One Day Hero calls out to them, "Excuse me, but I noticed you both going for it. That was something else. Is there some sort of secret to your fantastic sex life?"