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Sunday, October 18, 2015

If I could back in time and tell myself something, I would go back to 1995 and tell two year old me to hug my daddy tighter, to ask him to hold me more, to try to tell him how much I would need him 20 years later. I would tell Baby Alexis how someday she would be singing Over the Rainbow in rehearsal and someone would ask her what her "over the rainbow" was and she would think how it was that time, when he was there, with you, and he loved you more than anything, and you would realize you would never get your "over the rainbow" because that would be like reaching into the void and bringing someone back from whatever lies beyond this life.

I would tell 13 year old me that its not her fault her clothes are too big and smell bad, its not her fault mom uses drugs, there's nothing we can do to stop her. I would tell her not to let that boy kiss her in
the stairwell, to raise her head high when that girl calls mom a crack whore. I would tell her that soon her days will shine a little brighter, but no matter what they say she doesn't deserve any of the horrid things she has to endure. This is not karma from a past life, this is not atonement for sins, this is a horrible sequence of events that she didn't get to choose. I would beg 13 year old me to ignore everyone that called her anorexic, it is a synonym for malnourished, not beautiful, you do not need to strive to hear it everyday.

If I could go back I would tell 15 year old me that just because dad was a cross country superstar and apparently a genius doesn't mean that you have to be either of those things. I would tell myself there is life after not making football cheer freshman year, and to not let that girl do your eyebrows in the locker room between classes. I would explain that anxiety is normal and should be addressed the moment the walls start closing in and the lights go dark and you feel that roller-coaster stomach feeling, just because someone asked you to demonstrate something for the class. I would tell this wide-eyed 15 year old to cherish every friend, every joke, every embarassing moment, every carefree laugh, chance encounter with friends, and smile that experience while in Oroville, soon your whole world will be flipped upside down.

Honestly there are so many moments where I wish I could tell myself to laugh louder, hug longer, speak up more. I wish 19 year old me kept her promise to call Carissa, because 22 year old me

remembers every cancelled coffee date as a regret, a chance to say "I love you, please don't leave me" one last time. Current Alexis wishes 13 year old Alexis told mom how much high school Alexis would need her. Fourteen year old Alexis should have ran back and said goodbye to Uncle Dean before she left for school that day. 22 year old Alexis misses her dad just as much as 20 year old Alexis playing Dorothy did, and just as much as 9 year old me missed him at every ballet recital and every play through the years.

We take so many things for granted.
I took so many things for granted.