Don’t Die Dateless, Dummy!

Choose your own adventure games are like being blindfolded and set loose in a pasture full of cows with irritable bowel syndrome. Getting through one from start to finish without stepping in a pile of shit is going to require more luck than anything else. I made five attempts at finishing Don’t Die Dateless, Dummy! and I don’t think I lasted more than ten minutes in any of them. I’ve also pretty much given up on further attempts. As it stands, my feet are already so caked in manure that everywhere I’ve stepped in the past couple hours is properly fertilized for the next planting season. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

In DDD,D! you play as an introverted virgin on his first day of college. You’re bound and determined to lose the big V before the year is up. It took me all of a minute to determine what the guy’s problem was up to this point: he’s a completely unlikable twit. The first option the game gives you is whether you want to go to the bathroom, use the computer, or go watch TV. I put myself in the mindset of a girl that’s possibly being courted by this guy and figured that it wouldn’t be very productive to be introduced to a guy who’s busting for a piss, so I sent him to the bathroom. It was here that the guy stopped to flex for a mirror and do a few push-ups. Oh my, a narcissistic freshman on a quest to bust his man-cherry. What a catch.

I was determined to help steer the annoying virgin towards the promise land, but the luck of the draw was not on my side. Like every other version of this kind of game I’ve played for IndieGamerChick, it’s just too fucking easy to “die.” Here, death means you reach your 30th birthday as a virgin and thus become a wizard. You know, if that were actually true, I think teenagers across the country would be way more receptive towards abstinence-only education. Here, being a wizard is a bad thing for some reason. I would think if the reward was actual magical powers, waiting until you’re 30 just to get laid would be worth it. Once the magic starts flowing, you would be able to magically order up more pussy than unsuspecting customers of Hong’s Chinese Restaurant.

And how did I die? Well, my first mistake was leaning in too close to talk to a girl. Apparently I invaded her space and offended her. How was I to know? She was dressed like she had forgotten to do her laundry and the only thing clean was the shower curtain.

This girl's digital restraining order against my digital annoying virgin is still pending.

When you make a mistake, it’s time to start over. Unless you save. But saving kind of was an issue for me, in that I couldn’t be bothered to do it. There are no save prompts, so if you get caught up in the storyline (hey, it’s possible!) and step on one of those wrong choice cowpats, you get to relive the entire fucking story from the very beginning. I hate it when games do this. Saving isn’t always worth it, either. The interface to do it with is slow and clunky. A quick-save option would have been preferrable but the game couldn’t be bothered.

So I went through the agonizing story starring the most unlikable fictional creation since those little CGI nail fungus thingies from those one ads (shudder) and kept dying. I died when I got beat up by some catty bitch’s boyfriend. I died when I forgot that one of the chicks I was playing the field with didn’t like tennis. I died right at the start when I chose “use the computer” trying to boost my intelligence level. The game has a point system that gives you points in intelligence, charisma, and strength. I decided since I liked the brainy girl more than shower-curtain wearing slut, I should try to make myself smarter and choosing “use computer” as the very first option was as good a start as any. So I chose it and promptly died because my guy wanted to play Warcraft instead. Hmmmph.

I never did figure out what the whole scoring system does. My inability to go more than two minutes without failing to step right in line with the writer’s logic led to me starting over from scratch again and again. I would like to remind the developer of this and every other game like Don’t Die Dateless, Dummy! that video games are made to entertain people. If you forced someone to read a book by reading one paragraph and then starting over at the beginning, go one paragraph further and then start over again, you would be subject to sanctions under the Geneva Convention.

Never got this far. Don't know what this girl's deal is. I would probably die a half-dozen times trying to figure it out, so fuck it. Besides, with tits like that I'm sure she'll have major back problems that I'll hear bitching about day in and day out. Who needs that? My hand never whines like that so I got the better deal already!

So, shocker of shocks, I can’t recommend Don’t Die Dateless, Dummy! I will admit that the writing is slightly less painful than most games like this I’ve played on XBLIG. Even if does annoyingly censor ****ing swear words. This was probably done with the knowledge that it’s target audience have parents who frown on games with gigantic anime boobies in them, but if the cussing is bleeped out they can hope for just one week of being grounded instead of two. Still, I’m sure it won’t matter. This game will sell because the aforementioned gigantic anime boobies. And thus it’s owners will in fact reach the age of 30 with their virginity still intact. No, they won’t become wizards. But if they hold out another forty years, they might become Pope!

240 Microsoft Points would rather see a game about a prudish puritan who actively avoids trying to get laid, just to change things up in the making of this review.

I couldn’t find anything about the developer or a trailer for this game. Sorry.

Remember Orbitron: Revolution? The game that I said does for Defender what Pac-Man Championship Edition does for Pac-Man? Well, if you buy the game on Friday or Saturday, the proceeds from it will go to the BC Cancer Foundation. How often can you play a (future) Indie Gamer Chick leaderboard game and fight cancer at the same time? You can’t. Well, unless you play Dead Pixels while actively getting chemotherapy. This way sounds more fun. For more information, click here.

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17 Responses to Don’t Die Dateless, Dummy!

The obvious thing that you don’t seem to touch on is the creators of these games have also obviously never had a date. The way the women act and react makes pornography or penthouse letters seem more believable. Since they are also always populated by large breasted anime girls I’d have to say the guys or guy at cupholder are obviously wizards, or well on their way.

“the most unlikable fictional creation since those little CGI nail fungus from those one ads (shudder)”

I have recently become a fan of your website but I have to say that the statement above makes me shudder.

Those fungus creatures (Digger) have captivated me since their inception as mascots for Lamisil and my nails wouldn’t be as fungus free as they are today had my fear of using products like Lamisil not been stifled by the introduction of aforementioned “CGI nail fungus”. While cute and mischevious, they help to visually represent the horrifying truth behind fungal invasions. Without them, I fear today’s youth may haphazardly ignore the maintanence of their toes and toe nails.

What’s next, Mr. Muccus and friends, the pudgy representatives of Muccinex? You’re a harsh but fair critic Kairi, though I think your foray into commenting on over the counter medicine mascots is uneeded.

I have to admit, this game was extremely disappointing. As it is an Indie game, i wasn’t expecting earth shattering, but a few lasses and a few moments that make you go “Aww” would have been worth the 240 MSp this cost me. However, It would have been more productive and about as heart warming if I had taken my money and planted in the ground. or, in light of the ever so thoughtful expressions used in this review, cleaned that steaming pile of cow refuse off my shoes.

You were expecting something good? This game is bad and it knows it. The developer was obviously trying to provoke players (apparently it worked) with the completely cliche characters, massive boobs on every girl, creepy protagonist, and literally every character having a sob story.