Tuesday, February 4, 2014

CRAZINESS

Touch of Faith, by Simon Dewey.
“And, behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment: “For she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole” (Matthew 9:20–21; see vv. 18–22).

Craziness...

This is what he does to me. Tells me I am critical, belittling and attacking. I look back and say to myself how in the world did we get to this point in this conversation.
It went something like this:
I was so happy yesterday till he came home tired and exhausted. His back was hurting him. He said lets to the budget and we sat down. He asked if he could talk to me and it went downhill from there. I was fine with what he said. He was overwhelmed at work. Stressed because his back was hurting. (flashback: I talked to him about doing a project yesterday that would add a few square feet to our house without much expense if we did it ourselves and my dad said he may be able to come help. He said yes that would be fine). He said he was overwhelmed with the timing of the project because he was going to be in a class at work and would not be able to help. I immediately said then lets not do it then. He said that is not what I said and got put out at me for not listening to him. OK so your stressed, overwhelmed, you seem very tired- he interjects you are mind-reading. You are not allowed to mind read. No you look tired...I am not reading your mind. No my back hurts just hurts. I go on...well you said you got 5 hours sleep last night...that would make anyone tired after working all day. He says, I just wanted you to listen to me. After more accusations I just say... find someone else who will listen to you and walk away.....
later...just want you to listen to me....conversation went bad again....I am done with this conversation.....I walk away. This same think happened several more times with him pestering me about this.

At 8:30 he was sitting at the kitchen table for our assignment from therapy. I was so anxious by this time that completely forget. He was suppose to just leave after 15 minutes and I am a no show. He says from the table....So how long am i suppose to wait for you. I apologize and say I forgot. He brings up the earlier conversation before we can get started. I said I am done and leave.

He is crazy right now...I AM NOT CRAZY. For years he has led me to believe I was the crazy one.

He said I was mind-reading...RULE: you can not call out ANTs on the other person.

He said I was attacking, critical, and belittling...I am just standing up for myself. That I will attack if needed is very true now that I am done living as a robot, dead person, numb, shutdown wife. I will be done with conversations when I feel unsafe. I left each of the times...he didn't leave once but blamed me for being attacking and critical (Isn't that an ANT...BLAMING!!!)

During one of our conversations he said it is my project and I want to do it....I stop him...it is OUR project (I am the one who wanted it in the first place). If he is overwhelmed, then lets wait till a better time. NO PROBLEM!!! He just kept pestering that he just wanted me to listen and no that I wouldn't just listen to him. I don't want to do it if is like this. His ego came out because if he can't DO the project then he can't say...Look what I did, built, etc. WHO CARES!!! Why not say....look what my wife and dad did....I was busy taking a class. Isn't she amazing.

At one point I said he looked tired (he was defending his Superbowl late night), his poor physical health was making his back worse (He said I was saying he was fat....I said you are....but I never used that word first. He did!), and the rest just rumbles in my head as feeling CRAZY with twists and turns that I stand outside my head and say to myself that this is the Addiction cycle in action....blame your wife somehow so you can justify your craziness because of her.

I will not live this way. I am a good person. I have a good heart. I have felt CRAZY today because of yesterday's craziness. I am tired of it. I had a wonderful day till he came home yesterday.

He pounded me and pestered me till I felt myself breaking. I am writing this because I will not be this person and writing is healing for me and affirms to me where i am going. I have lived in his lies for to many years. If he is on the verge of acting out (we are suppose to have almost a year of sobriety... whatever that means to him), I want no part of his craziness. We don't talk about how he is doing in his addiction. There is a big elephant in the room and we just ignore the elephant. I am not going to ask him and have him tell me all the right answers (to many years of that). That is not how I live. Do I feel like he is faithful to me as he says....NO!!!! My gut says..."I AM NOT SAFE". I will listen to this feeling. I will not have sex if I am not safe. I will not be someone I am not. I know what safe feels like.

SAFE= empathy, peace, honesty, intimacy, compassion, faithful, and it tastes sweet (good fruits).
It does NOT= perfection as he thinks I think it does.

I am good. I am strong. I am faithful. I am honest. I will have peace and he will not drag me down. I am empathetic (except with hubby sometimes). I am compassionate.

I don't move out or have him move out. We sleep in the same bed as strangers. More out of convenience and appearance for the sake of the kids (others may disagree but I like my younger kids feeling safe to some degree). I don't see divorce.

I do see patience in the future. I see baby steps forward and steps back. I see myself working on me and finding recovery and healing. I see counseling. I see working with the bishop. I see reading and studying for me. I see a long road. I see eternal perspectives (that is why I LOVE the temple). I see forgiveness somehow that I am not capable of on my own strength. I see a Savior who stays by my side. I see many prayers.

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About Me

I am a woman. I am a child of God. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints (LDS, Mormon, or other nicknames we are called) I am Resilant. I am Happy (learning to be). I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a survivor.
I suffer from Betrayl Trauma. I suffer from Anxiety and depression. I suffer from Inattentive ADD.
I am finding out who I am again. I am applying the Saving Grace that Christ offers through His atonement. I am learning to heal. I am learning to be a scholar of the Scriptures. I am learning to find answers to my questions and peace with the ones I can't find answers to. This is my Journey.