An old soul finding her place in life through honesty, humor and photography.

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With the first anniversary of Will and Kate’s Royal wedding just behind us, I started thinking about our own wedding.

Ugh.

Here is the vital information to gather from this post: I’m happier with my marriage than I am with our wedding. I’m learning to be ok with this because ultimately, that is all that matters. Yet there is evidence that remains, in the form of wedding pictures and they haunt me.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still have buried resentments and hostile feelings about the wedding and the time leading up to it as well. There were lovely people who took part and wonderful moments that I’ll never forget, but there were also selfish people and such petty behavior that can really put a damper on what is supposed to be the happiest day in one’s life.

First of all, I’m glad to say that wasn’t the happiest day of my life and I’ve had many outstanding days since, but unfortunately this one costs a lot and creates a hassle for so many people. If I could do it all again, I wouldn’t; not that way anyway. The thought of having a wedding makes me squeamish. If I could, I’d have eloped or I’d have paid for our parents to join us far away or even not far away. I would have said “screw you” to every nitwit who made our lives difficult and would have taken more time to be grateful for the people who took their love for us and the joy of our wedding more seriously.

I would have taken more responsibility to recognize who matters and who doesn’t, and acted accordingly. And I would’ve moved the wedding from the west coast to the east coast so my Grandmom could’ve been there.

If you’re reading this and you’ve yet to be married, I cannot stress enough; do what you both want. We did but it wasn’t easy. Do not try to people-please and do not let people spoil the moments that mean something to you. Do not let them take anything precious from a moment that sincere people are happy to spend with you.

And do not let the Church cram your Dad’s girlfriend into the pew next to your Mom, where she can’t get pictures and enjoy a good view of her only daughter’s nuptials.

Though I’m sure it doesn’t sound like it, I have gotten over quite a bit of my aggression and I’ve learned to forgive but I just simply won’t forget. I realize the “what ifs” and regrets are pointless. I’ve even developed relationships with the people who hurt me and I’m able to look past what I consider to be their mistakes because in the end, regardless of what that one day meant, we are happy and no one can take that away from us.

Gee Shan, thanks for delving that all up. Try to push out the memory of children throwing Bibles in the Church while their parents laughed because they are “cute”, as the Church planner and your family gaped in horror. Forget the bullying when our decisions didn’t meet the expectations of others.

By the way, if you have a choice, and you should because you’re paying for it, for God’s sake, make a “do not play” list. Unless you really enjoy the Chicken Dance or the Macarena, do yourself that favor. That was one of the best moves we made; that and getting out of the country for a couple weeks after the wedding. Those days…were some of the best days of my life.

There are a handful of people in my life that spend a lot of time in their inbox. And I find that I am both grateful and disgruntled about it. Without their masses of forwards, between jokes and news, I would probably be less informed and have less giggles each day. I’d also have less email anxiety. Each time I check my mail, I think how many things I already haven’t read. It makes me uncomfortable and irritated. I just don’t have the time to get through them all and I don’t want my email to consume my life; too many other things do already.

The worst part is the sheer laziness of my habits when it comes to these emails. Let me just say for the record, that if a forward has a link on it, and it requires me to click further to get to the point of the email; it’s not happening. That would require a few seconds for something to load. If pictures are embedded in the email, sure, I’ll scroll through. Powerpoint, websites with pop-ups, dealing with a PDF and then having acrobat constantly requiring me to update and every website asking me for me sign up to view the complete story, no thank you. Give me the story, pictures and/or video now, on this current screen or we’re through.

One day, six month from now, I will realize the magnitude of emails cluttering my life and I will go through and delete them all. And I will feel bad about it. For now, I will fool myself into believing that later I will check the twenty or so videos that were forwarded to me on a daily basis. Not at work of course. My phone will buzz throughout the day and I’ll check my email and there it is; something that will have to wait till I get home. I’m certainly not going to sit at my desk and load it at work. I will keep it for later and never touch it. Instead I will scroll past it regularly while I’ll look for the one email of importance I’ve gotten in the last couple weeks.

I should feel that I can just delete when a subject line doesn’t interest me. But in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “What if they ask me about that story about the monkey experiment, or the cargo ship of Chinese goods??” So I keep them. I tell myself I will check them later. For the record though, they have asked and I’m not a good liar, so I stumble through with, “Oh wow, I know, crazy right?”

Sometimes I want to live off the grid. Other times I want to slap myself for whining about getting email; particularly because I know I’ll be annoyed if I’m not getting any too. I’d be mortified if my emailers read this, it’s not personal; it’s just overwhelming. What a spoiled, technology brat I’ve become. I also didn’t realize how much aggression this caused. Whew, I sort of feel better.

Did you ever think about how the most iconic and fascinating women are usually the most insecure? Of course this is something we learn post-mortem usually. But looking back, the signs are usually so blatantly obvious.

As I looked through some biographies on my bookshelf, I thought about two iconic females represented there; Audrey Hepburn and Princess Diana. Two women that I had admiration for; Audrey I discovered in my late teens after she’d already been gone for years and Princess Diana who fascinated me from childhood and most of the world from the very start. Two generous and stylish women, who more often than not, played by their own rules.

Audrey

“If you want to get psychological, you can say my definiteness stems from underlying feelings of insecurity and inferiority. I couldn’t conquer these feelings by acting indecisive. I found the only way to get the better of them was by putting my foot down, by adopting a forceful and concentrated drive.” – Audrey Hepburn

They individually gave so much to the world, through charity and hands-on efforts in previously disregarded regions that needed a spotlight from a respected figure. Both battled eating disorders, depression and unfulfilling relationships; often waging a war with an inferiority complex and constant outside pressure. Both finding solice in children and humanitarianism. I wonder if it takes such a sensitive and genuine character to produce such admirable gifts, to be so altruistic. Could an egotistical and self-assured woman be so generous?

They say so much of who we are stems from our childhood. Both of these women came from broken homes and found in their youth, comfort in solitude. They eventually went from unknown young ladies to instant celebrities, with constant criticism and a yearning for normalcy. I think it takes a special kind of woman to face the world in such a public way and despite personal battles, finding happiness in the people they can trust and in the causes they can fight for.

A young Diana Spencer

“I think the biggest disease the world suffers from in this day and age is the disease of people feeling unloved. I know that I can give love for a minute, for half an hour, for a day, for a month, but I can give. I am very happy to do that, I want to do that.” Princess Diana