I know this big stimulus-thingie passed last week. For some reason, I just don’t feel stimulated.

In fact, I’m sort of alarmed at some of the measures being taken around the country, as states try coming up with new revenue streams. It’s one thing to tax gas and hotel rooms; it’s quite another to go after the heart of the American dream.

That’s right — states all over are taxing the bejesus out of beer.

The Republicans may be right: We’re suddenly teetering on the edge of socialism. Pretty soon we’ll all be wearing red and driving government-owned tractors.

Not to say driving a tractor wouldn’t be kind of fun “… especially one of those big ones that can run over and crush your neighbors’ car when they park too close to your fence.

Oh, yeah “… beer

Let’s not miss the point here. America was founded on the promise of life, liberty and access to affordable Pabst Blue Ribbon in times of economic stagnation. This new beer tax talk isn’t just your typical penny-ante sales tax stuff. Oregon legislators, for example, want to increase the current per-barrel beer tax from $2.61 to a bloated $49.61 — an increase of 1,800 percent. Which will make a glass of beer in an Oregon bar cost something like, according to my calculations, ﻿forty-one thousand dollars.

There are so many things more worthy of new taxes than beer. Things that people will buy anyway because they just have to have them. Things that, if we see less consumption of them thanks to higher taxes, wouldn’t be much of a bad thing. Call it the “Annoyance Tax.”

We’d start by taxing those spinnie-wheel hubcap things that people somehow think are cool. If you’re moronic enough to think that your fellow drivers are fascinated that your wheels spin at a red light, you deserve to be taxed.

How about taxing marijuana? Of course, we’d have to legalize and strictly regulate it first. Then, in a related move, tax the heck out of Doritos, Ding-Dongs and anything sold at the Jack in the Box drive-through after 10 p.m.

Bluetooth this!

We could tax people who wear those earpiece phone things when they don’t have to, especially the people at the grocery store on weekends. You don’t look official; you can’t have that much business to do, and I’m tired of getting freaked out at seeing people talk into thin air. It may be called Bluetooth now, but historically that’s been known as insanity.

We should also increase taxes on people with 14 or more children. Not necessarily because they’re burdening an overpopulated world. I’m just tired of hearing about them and want them punished.

We should also tax people who complain about this column. The windfall would be historic.

Three women have told the New York Times that music mogul Russell Simmons raped them, the latest in a cascade of serious allegations of sexual misconduct against powerful men in entertainment, media, politics and elsewhere.