They show the shenanigans leading up to Kane vs. Randy Orton involving their respective fathers, Paul Bearer and Bob Orton Jr.

Falls Count Anywhere Match: Kane vs. Randy Orton. They brawl. Orton gets punched off the top to the floor. Cover on the floor gets 2. Kane brings in a leg pipe. Orton cuts him off and hits him with the pipe a few times, knocking him back to the floor on the last shot. They fight in the crowd. Orton knees Kane in the face for 2. Kane slams Orton on the concrete for 2. More crowd brawling. They end up near the set. Orton lands a dropkick for 2. Kane blocks the RKO and boots Orton in the face for 2. They brawl backstage. They end up in a room with some geeks. Zack Ryder attacks Kane, which only pisses him off. Kane goozles Ryder, but Orton hits the 3.0 for 2. Back into the hallway. Kane throws something at Orton and covers for 2. Back into the arena. Back into the ring. Orton drops Kane with a clothesline and hits a powerslam. Orton retrieves a chair from underneath the ring and attacks Kane with it. Back outside, where Orton clears off the announce table. Kane goes for the chokeslam, but Orton prevents it. Orton hits the DDT OF MURDER off the table to the floor! Cover gets 2. Kane blocks the RKO and sends Orton into the post. Cover gets 2. Back inside, Kane goes up top. Orton crotches him and hits a superplex. Cover gets 2. Orton humps the mat. Kane hits the chokeslam, but Orton kicks out! Kane bitches at the referee. Kane goes for the Tombstone on the chair. Orton counts out and hits the RKO sort of on the chair for the pin in 16:45. Fun match.

John Laurinaitis and Eve Torres are backstage with the Raw Roulette wheel. Teddy Long brings in champagne. He’s being humiliated after he lost his GM job at WrestleMania. Laurinaitis gets a phone call from Triple H.

Chicago!

“The Funkasaurus” Brodus Clay (w/ Hornswoggle, Cameron, & Naomi) vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero & Jack Swagger). They lock up. Clay overpowers Ziggler. Ziggler tries to take Clay down, but fails. Swagger distracts Clay, allowing Ziggler to dropkick him out of the ring. Ziggler distracts the referee while Swagger hits a shoulder block on the floor. Back inside, Ziggler goes on the attack. Clay goes for a knee lift, but Ziggler dropkicks his knee, then hits the Fameasser for 2. Ziggler lands a dropkick for 1. Ziggler applies a rear chin lock. Clay fights out. Ziggler stays on the attack. He goes for a suplex, but fails. Clay throws him with a front suplex and makes his comeback. Clay knocks Swagger on the apron. Ziggler goes for the sleeper, but fails. Clay hits a headbutt and a big splash for the pin in 4:18. It was fine for what it was.

Earlier in the day, The Big Show and Cody Rhodes played Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal to determine the stipulation for their Intercontinental title match tonight. It’s a Tables Match.

Lillian Garcia is the other ring announcer.

The show highlights of Show’s title victory over Rhodes at WrestleMania XXVIII.

Tables Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: The Big Show (c) vs. Cody Rhodes. Show beats up Rhodes. Rhodes bails after taking a big back body drop. Show sets up a table on the outside and picks up Rhodes. Rhodes slips off and chop blocks Show’s knee. Show rallies and continues to beat and toss Rhodes around. Show throws Rhodes and a table in the ring. He throws Rhodes at the table in the corner, but Rhodes rebounds off of it and hits the Beautiful Disaster. Rhodes charges, but Show shoulder blocks him. Rhodes bails. Show beats him up on the outside. Show throws Rhodes back into the ring and gets in the apron. Rhodes dropkicks Show, who steps through a table at ringside. The referee rules Rhodes the winner in 4:35. Stupid finish. A pissed off Show drops Rhodes after the match, then chokeslams him through a table. Crowd chants “One more time!” Show press slams Rhodes out of the ring through another table. Show leaves. Rhodes is helped up and manages to hold up his belt while looking like he’s near tears.

Edge DVD plug.

Matt Striker interviews Daniel Bryan. Will he become World Champion tonight? YES! YES! YES! Fun interview. He walks away and they show AJ sulking in the background.

Sheamus/Bryan hype video.

2/3 Falls Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Sheamus (c) vs. Daniel Bryan. Sheamus is wearing a t-shirt with “18 seconds” written on it, the time in which he beat Bryan for the title at WrestleMania. I timed it at 19 seconds, but that’s neither here nor there. Sheamus grabs a headlock and lands a shoulder block. They do a brief mat exchange. Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick, but Bryan avoids it. Sheamus taunts Bryan with how close that was. They trade arm locks. Sheamus hits a Finlay Roll for 2. For some reason, I don’t know the proper name for that move. Sheamus rolls through a sunset flip and locks Bryan in a Texas Cloverleaf. Bryan gets the ropes. Sheamus goes for it again, but Bryan gets an inside cradle for 2. Sheamus beats up Bryan. Bryan lands a lariat. Sheamus rolls to the apron and Bryan dropkicks him to the floor. Bryan dives off the apron, but Sheamus catches him and sends him into the barricade. Back inside, Sheamus goes up top, but Bryan crotches him and goes on the attack. Bryan goes to work on Sheamus’ shoulder. They trade strikes. Bryan gets a reverse cradle for 2. More arm and shoulder torture inflicted by Bryan. Sheamus makes his comeback and beats up Bryan. Sheamus hits a fall away slam for 2. Bryan gets a schoolboy for 2. Bryan goes for a top rope Frankensteiner, but Sheamus holds on, then hits Bryan with a diving shoulder block for 2. Sheamus tries to suplex Bryan in from the apron, but Bryan lands on his feet, then low bridges Sheamus out of the ring on the other side. He goes for a dive, but Sheamus nails him. Back inside, Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge. Bryan turns it into a cradle for 2. Bryan goes for the Yes Lock, but Sheamus counters out repeatedly. Bryan sends Sheamus’ shoulder into the post repeatedly, then kicks the shit out of it while Sheamus is against the ropes. This causes the referee to DQ Bryan, diving Sheamus the first fall at 14:30. Bryan goes back on the attack and applies the Yes Lock. Sheamus struggles, but goes out, and Bryan wins the second fall by referee stop at 16:39. Bryan celebrates while the ringside doctor checks on Sheamus. There are dueling “Yes!” and “No!” chants. Sheamus tells the doctor he can continue. Bryan charges Sheamus and eats a Brogue Kick. Delayed cover gets 2. They trade strikes. Bryan lands a big kick to the head for 2. Bryan goes up top. Sheamus cuts him off and goes for a superplex. Bryan fights him off and goes for a diving headbutt. Sheamus avoids it. Sheamus avoids Bryan in the corner and makes his comeback. Sheamus lands another Brogue Kick for the pin in 22:55. Very good match.

WWE YouTube channel plug.

Over the Limit commercial featuring Randy Orton.

Chicago!

Santino Marella is watching the monitor backstage. 2 jobbers are in the ring. Great Khali comes over to watch too.

The jobbers are named Aaron Relic and Jay Hatton. They cut a stupid promo about 2 being greater than one.

Handicap Match: Aaron Relic & Jay Hatton vs. Ryback. There’s a smattering of “Goldberg!” chants. The jobber with the ridiculous pants attacks Ryback to no avail. Ryback kills him. He orders the other jobber to tag in. The fellow wisely demurs. Ryback tosses him in anyway and kills him. Ryback hits the second jobber with a backpack stunner. Crowd chants “Finish him.” Ryback kills ridiculous pants with sort of a Fisherman buster Samoan drop, then pins them both in 1:50. Santino and Khali are impressed.

Matt Striker interviews WWE Champion CM Punk. Tonight he faces Chris Jericho, who has been insulting his family, in a Chicago Street Fight.

Plug for the PPV theme song.

Punk/Jericho hype video.

Chicago Street Fight for the WWE Championship: CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho. This is Punk’s hometown, and members of his family are in the front row. They brawl, because this is a street fight, see. Punk throws some plunder into the ring. He whacks Jericho with a Singapore cane. Jericho drops Punk with a dropkick and gets hold of the cane. He whacks Punk, then hits his trademark springboard dropkick to the apron, sending Punk to the floor. Jericho beats up Punk on the outside. Back inside, Jericho exposes a turnbuckle. Punk fires back with chops. Jericho avoids the running knee to the corner and Punk takes another spill outside. Jericho beats up Punk right in front of his family. He gets in Punk’s sister’s face and gets slapped. Jericho lunges for her and Punk kicks his ass. Punk slams Jericho through the announce table cover. Punk goes for a piledriver, but Jericho back body drops him, then hits him with a monitor. Jericho breaks the other announce table cover over Punk’s back. Back inside, Jericho covers for 2. Jericho applies a rear chin lock. Punk escapes with a backdrop suplex. Punk pulls Jericho’s throat over the top rope and goes for his springboard lariat, but trips. Jericho wails on him with the Singapore cane. Jericho taunts Punk and gets caught with an inside cradle for 2. Jericho responds with something that gets 2. Jericho brings in a can of beer, which he pours on Punk. He brings in another beer and starts drinking it. Punk, meanwhile, starts kicking his ass. Punk hits the running knee to the corner and the bulldog headlock, then pulls the Singapore cane into Jericho’s balls and signals for the Go 2 Sleep. He goes for it, but Jericho counters and goes for the Walls of Jericho. Punk counters and hits a powerslam for 2. Punk goes up top, but Jericho crotches him. They fight on the top rope. Punk sends Jericho to the mat with a Mongolian chop, then hits the diving elbow drop for 2. Jericho counts the Go 2 Sleep again and hits a bulldog. He goes for the Lionsault, but Punk catches him, picks him up on h is shoulders, and goes for the Go 2 Sleep. Jericho counters again and throws Punk into a chair wedged between the turnbuckles. Jericho gets a schoolboy for 2. Jericho catches Punk with the Codebreaker and locks in the Walls of Jericho. Punk manages to reach the ropes. It’s a street fight, so the referee can’t force a break. Punk somehow gets hold of a fire extinguisher and sprays Jericho with it to escape the hold. Punk hits Jericho in the stomach with it and sends him to the floor. Another shot to the gut followed by a kick to the head by Punk. Jericho is on top of the Spanish announce table. Punk goes to the top rope and hits the diving elbow through the table. Punk throws Jericho back into the ring and covers for 2. Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice. Jericho whacks Punk with the Singapore cane to escape. Punk hits Jericho with a chair. Jericho catches him with a Codebreaker into the chair. Cover only gets 2. Jericho is getting frustrated. He beats on Punk some more. Jericho tries to give Punk the Go 2 Sleep, just to be a dick. Punk catches Jericho’s leg and catapults him into the exposed turnbuckle, then hits the Go 2 Sleep for the pin in 25:14. This turned out to be a hell of a match. Punk celebrates with his friends and family.

Don’t try this at home!

Earlier tonight on the pre-show, Santino Marella defeated The Miz with the Cobra to retain the United States Championship.

The Bella Twins and Beth Phoenix bicker backstage. Eve Torres says Beth isn’t cleared to wrestle. Whichever Bella is champion will now defend the title against a surprise opponent who isn’t Kharma.

The show Nikki Bella beating Beth for the Divas title last week on Raw after Beth injured her ankle. The Bellas cut a promo. The opponent is the returning Layla.

WWE Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella (c) (w/ Brie Bella) vs. Layla. They lock up. Lots of movement from Layla. Brie trips Layla behind the ref’s back, allowing Nikki to get the advantage. She DDTs Layla’s foot for 2. I fucking hate that spot. Layla gets an inside cradle for 1. Nikki does whatever. Layla hits a springboard cross body for 1, then knocks the other Bella off the apron. Nikki gets the advantage. Layla gets a wonky cradle. Nikki counters. The twins pull the switcheroo. Brie goes for a facebuster, but Layla turns it into a hangman’s neckbreaker for the pin to win the title in 2:28. This sucked.

Extreme Rules Match: Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena. Lesnar takes Cena down and mauls him, then kills him with a lariat. Cena is cut already. The stop the match to check the cut. I hate that shit, but I guess Brock is used to it now. Cena charges Brock and gets taken down and mauled again. Cena is sent outside. He’s bleeding pretty bad. Cena fights back as goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Brock will have none of that and gives him a couple of German suplexes. Cena hits a shoulder block and knocks Brock into the referee. The ref is dead, and Brock kills Cena some more. Brock torments Cena’s arm with a Kimura, then tosses him from the ring again. Brock follows Cena out and tortures his arm some more. Back inside, Brock brings in Cena’s chain, then throws it aside because he’s Brock Lesnar and doesn’t need it. He thinks again and uses it to chain Cena’s legs together. Brock hangs Cena from the turnbuckle and massacres him for a while. Cena gets loose and fights back until he’s thrown into the steps. Brock throws the referee back into the ring and wakes him up. Cena has the chain his hand, but Brock steps on it and takes it away. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Brock counters and hits the F-5, but kills the referee again in the process. Another referee runs out, but the delay allows Cena to kick out. Brock clotheslines the new referee. Brock brings the steps into the ring. Cena does his “you can’t see me” and first back. Brock locks in a Kimura on top of the steps. Cena manages to pick Brock up and slam him on the steps. Cena goes for the diving Fameasser, but Brock avoids it. Brock prances on top of the steps while Cena struggles his way back into the ring. Cena makes it onto the apron and Brock launches himself at Cena, taking a bad tumble and injuring his knee in the process. Brock gets up and laughs it off. He charges Cena again, but Cena punches him with the chain. Brock is bleeding now. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on the steps for the pin in 17:42. Aside from the stupidity of putting Cena over in Brock’s first match back, this was awesome.

Cena takes the mic after the match and cuts a promo putting over Chicago. He says he’s going home, which is a lie.

Good show. There were a few really good matches. The main event is soured by the stupidity of Brock losing so quickly.

Josh Matthews interviews Jeff Hardy in the ring. They show highlights of Hardy’s Ladder match with Edge at Extreme Rules, where Hardy won the World Championship, then CM Punk cashed in Money In The Bank and beat him for the title. Then they show Punk retaining the title against Hardy and Edge on Raw this past Monday. Hardy says he’ll beat Punk at The Bash. Matthews says they should hear things from Punk’s point of view, so Punk comes out to retort. Punk defends his actions, rightfully saying that he won both of those matches well within the rules. They agree that they live different lifestyles, and they’ll settle their differences at the Bash. Hardy gets cheered, Punk gets booed. Insta-commercial!

Non-Title: Jeff Hardy vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho. Grisham calls it “The Extreme Enigma vs. The Extreme Ego.” Jericho tends to hit moves, but take time to posture to the crowd instead of staying on his opponent. Jericho applies an abdominal stretch, but Hardy escapes it and makes his comeback… not that there was much of a heat to make a comeback from. Jericho avoids a kick and goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Hardy counters it. Jericho hits a backdrop suplex. Ouch. Hardy avoids the Lionsault. Hardy hits a front suplex and goes up top for the Swanton, but Jericho bails. Hardy dives to the outside. Jericho avoids it and Hardy eats the barricade. Jericho tosses Hardy back in, then Mysterio comes out of the crowd and ranas Jericho. Jericho ends up going facefirst into the ringpost and gets counted out at 4:56. Mysterio goes back into the crowd with 2 other people with the same mask and outfit. Cute. Match was disappointing. Hardy gives Jericho the Twist of Fate and the Swanton for good measure.

Layla and Eve fight over hairspray or something. Maria plays peacemaker. Dolph Ziggler shows up and they all get his name wrong.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Great Khali (w/ Ranjin Singh). Khali kicks his ass for a bit, but Ziggler manages to make a comeback and chops Khali’s leg out from under him. Khali gets DQ’d for a phantom chairshot at 2:03. Ziggler outsmarts Khali again!

Still to come, Punk vs. Mysterio!

Randy Orton is featured in this month’s WWE magazine!

Raw Rebound. Scroll down and read the Raw report if you want to know what happened.

Non-Title: WWE Women’s Champion Melina vs. Alicia Fox (w/ Michelle McCool). Melina will defend the title against McCool at The Bash. Fox gets Melina in a body scissors, then turns it into a painful looking full nelson. Melina comes back and beats her with the Code Red at 1:43. McCool jumps Melina after the match and beats her down, then cuts an awful promo.

John Morrison takes on Edge NEXT! That should be good.

Edge cuts a promo bitching about not getting another title shot, then says Morrison isn’t fit to breathe his air or be in his ring. Morrison comes out. Edge says Morrison wants to be him. Morrison says Edge isn’t entertaining anymore and he always whines. Morrison says after this match, Edge will have something to complain about. Insta-commercial!

This is the version of Smackdown that aired in Australia and New Zealand, so we get some hype for Raw house shows there next month.

Edge vs. John Morrison. They start with some nice chain wrestling, starting off slow and building it up. Edge gets heat on him for a while. Morrison tries to fight back, but Edge sends him off the top rope to the floor. Insta-commercial. Edge continues working Morrison over and targets the ribs. Morrison nails a sweet knee to the face for 2. Edge goes up top, but Morrison nails his flip kick to send Edge to the floor. Morrison hits a sweet baseball slide headscissors and sends Edge into the steps. Back in the ring, cover gets 2. Edge avoids the Flying Chuck and locks in the Sharpshooter. Morrison gets a rope break. Morrison gets a sunset flip for 2. Morrison hits a Russian leg sweep and heads up to for the Starship Pain, but Edge pulls him down. Morrison avoids a spear in the corner and crades Edge for 2, then Edge sends him shoulder first into the ring post. Morrison leapfrogs another spear and hits the Flying Chuck for 2. Edge counters the Moonlight Drive and hits the Implant DDT, but Morrison kicks out! Morrison hits a neat DDT for 2. Morrison goes for the Starship Pain again, but Edge moves, then hits the spear for the win (about 13 1/2 minutes shown). Really good match.

Punk vs. Mysterio is still to come!

Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Haas, & Ricky Ortiz vs. R-Truth & Cryme Tyme. JTG and Ortiz start. JTG takes Ortiz down, then tags in Shad, who kicks his ass. Ortiz avoids a big boot and attacks Shad’s knee. Haas tags in and continues working Shad’s knee. Lukewarm tag to Truth. Benjamin tags in as well and gets the better of him. Truth connects with a loud slap, then a loud kick for 2. Haas and Ortiz break the cover. Clusterfuck ensues. Truth catches Benjamin coming off the top rope and goes for the scissors kick. Shelton avoids it, but Truth catches him with a corkscrew elbow smash for the win at 4:03.

The main event is next!

12 Rounds is coming out on DVD. I don’t fucking care.

Mysterio comes down and says it felt good to give Jericho a taste of his own medicine earlier tonight. Mysterio says he wants to challenge Jericho to another title match. Jericho comes out to the stage and says he already gave Mysterio his rematch and beat him. Jericho babbles for a while. Mysterio tells him to shut up. They eventually agree to a mask vs. title match at the PPV.

Non-Title: Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk. Jericho is doing commentary. Punk is still working as a face, and he’s still selling the knee from Raw. Mysterio attacks Punk’s knee. Punk fights back. Punk avoids the 619. Insta-commercial. Mysterio takes the shoulder into the ring post bump and gets schoolboyed for 2. Punk works Mysterio’s shoulder. Mysterio comes back again and does his stuff. Mysterio hits the Bombs Away, hits the ropes, and gets caught with a big kick by Punk for 2. Punk hits the knee in the corner, avoids the 619, and goes for the Go 2 Sleep. Mysterio counters into a pinning predicament for 2. Mysterio tries a flip, but Punk catches him in the Go 2 Sleep position again. Mysterio holds on to the ropes, so Punk tosses him out. The referee stops Punk from going outside and Jericho uses the distraction to attack Mysterio. Mysterio beats the count back in the ring, but Punk hits the Go 2 Sleep for the win (8:19 shown). Jeff Hardy runs down to complain to the ref… or something. Punk leaves as Jeff’s music plays. Fin.

WWE open, followed by the PPV intro video. Michael Cole welcomes us to the show as Lillian Garcia introduces the first match.

Fatal Four-Way Match for WWE United States Championship: Kofi Kingston (c) vs. William Regal vs. Matt Hardy vs. Montel Vontavious Porter. Cole and Lawler are on commentary, and put over Kingston beating MVP for the title this past Monday on Raw. Typical double team/pair off and brawl stuff early on. Kofi is awesome. Cole gets in his “Controlled Frenzy” for the night. Regal beats the shit out of Kingston, which is always good stuff. Regal sets up a butterfly suplex on Kofi. MVP tries to turn it into a Tower of Doom spot, but they botch it. Kofi and Regal still take the bump, though. Hardy comes in fresh after staying outside for a bit and tries to pin everyone. Everyone kicks out. Matt sets up the Twist of Fate on MVP, but Kofi gets back in the action and punishes Regal and Hardy. Regal counters the Trouble In Paradise and T-bones Kofi right into Hardy, which Kofi uses to get a near fall. The match turns into everybody hitting big moves and covering, then someone else breaking up the cover. Regal hits Exploders on everyone until Kingston catches him the Trouble In Paradise for the pin at 6:42. Short, but fun and exciting match, and a good way to kick off the show.

Josh Matthews interviews The Big Show, who says John Cena can’t put him in the STF.

Jim Ross and Todd Grisham talk about the recent issues between Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio. Justin Roberts is in the ring to introduce the match. He introduces Jericho, but Jericho doesn’t come out. He’s in the merchanidise stand bitching about Mysterio’s merchanidise. He comes down to the ring through the crowd, talking the whole way. Mysterio comes out, so now we can have our match. Ross says that Mysterio is the first masked Intercontinental Champion. Kane says hello.
No Holds Barred Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: Rey Mysterio Jr. (c) vs. Chris Jericho. Mysterio jumps Jericho at the bell and kicks his ass all around the ringside area. Rey hits a sweet rana off the apron and takes the match in the ring. Jericho gets the advantage and holds it until Mysterio counters his springboard dropkick to the apron. Rey hits a 619 around the ringpost to send Jericho off the apron and hits a diving splash on to him. Back in the ring. Jericho avoids the 619. Rey gets a front cradle for a near fall. Jericho rolls it back for one of his own. Rey rolls through a sunset flip attempt and tries a dropkick, but Jericho catches and goes for the Walls of Jericho. Rey turns it into a inside cradle, but can’t get the pin. Jericho gets the advantage and goes for Rey’s mask. Rey escapes, then avoids a charging Jericho, who spears the ring post and goes outside. Rey hits a tope suicida. Rey does his Speedy Gonzales routine back in the ring. Jericho avoids the 619 again and does a swank spinning backbreaker for a near fall. Rey avoids the Lionsault and hits the 619. He goes for a diving something or other, but Jericho catches him with the Codebreaker for a very near fall. Jericho brings a chair into the ring, but Mysterio dropkicks into his face and covers for a near fall. Mysterio hits a leg drop with the chair for another near fall, then sets the chair up in the corner and hits a drop toehold onto it. Mysterio uses the chair as a springboard for a Frankensteiner, but Jericho turns it into the Walls of Jericho. Mysterio nails him with the chair and goes for the 619, but Jericho manages to yank his mask off. Mysterio desperately covers his face and allows himself to be pinned with a schoolboy in 14:40, even though anyone who watched WCW from 1999 to 2001 has seen his face. Jericho wins the Intercontinental Title for the unprecendented 9th time. Good match.

Randy Savage DVD available this Tuesday!

New Orleans!

Josh Matthews interviews Batista. Actually, they show the video of Randy Orton killing Ric Flair, then Batista comments on it. He’s going to do various nasty things to Orton tonight.

Samoan Strap Match: Umaga vs. CM Punk. They show Umaga killing Punk on Smackdown a few weeks ago. You win here by touching all four corners in succession… secession? You know what I mean. Umaga whips Punk with the strap and punishes him in various other nasty ways. How the hell do you do PBP on a Strap Match? “He whips the other guy, he uses the strap to hold the other guy back…” Punk fights back and goes for the Go 2 Sleep, but doesn’t get it. They both get near falls (I.E. touching 3 turnbuckles but being prevented from touching the fourth. Umaga goes for the diving splash, but Punk uses the strap to pull him off the top rope. Punk touches 3 corners, hits the Go 2 Sleep, and touches the fourth for the win at 8:58. Meh. Strap matches are kind of a stupid gimmick.

New Orleans again!

Matt Striker and Josh Matthews are ready to announce the ECW Championship match!

Gregory Helms interviews the ECW Champion, Christian. Christian says he’s going to miss Tommy Dreamer, because he’s not losing his title. Dreamer comes up and says Christian will indeed be losing the title. Jack Swagger steps in to say his bit, but Dreamer and Christian leave. Cut to Tony Chimel who is in the ring to introduce the match.

Triple Threat Hardcore Match for the ECW Championship: Christian (c) vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Jack Swagger. They get in-ring introductions. They brawl a bit, then Christian and Dreamer bring the plunder in. Dreamer utilizes the Singapore cane to great effect. Dreamer is in his element here, and shows why he is called the Innovator of Violence. Swagger finally gets the advantage on Dreamer and tries to superplex him into a pile of trashcans. Christian comes in and adds a powerbomb to the equation. I guess they had to do it since the guys in the four-way fucked up the Tower of Doom spot. Christian ducks a crutch shot from Swagger and goes for the Killswitch. Swagger counters and goes for the Doctor Bomb. Dreamer nails Swagger with the crutch to break it, then bashes him with it again and hits a DDT. Dreamer covers and gets the pin on Swagger at 9:37 to WIN THE ECW CHAMPIONSHIP! With no Justin Credible to fuck up the moment. Tommy Dreamer finally gets to enjoy capturing the ECW Championship. That’s my feel good markout moment of the night.

Chavo Guerrero prepare Vickie for her defense of the Miss WrestleMania crown. Michael Cole talks about it for a bit, then throws it to Jerry Lawler, who is with the pigs. “Santina” comes out, followed by Vickie, who says she’s making the match a Handicap Match. A less than delighted Chavo will be her partner.

Handicap Hog Pen Match for the Miss WrestleMania Crown: Vickie Guerrero (c) & Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. Santina Marella. Vickie sends Chavo in to fight while she stays outside in her gown. Santina and Chavo fight in the muck. Santina throws Chavo into the pen with the hogs. Shouldn’t the match be over? I guess it’s pinfall only. Santina schoolgirls Chavo for a near fall. Chavo beats down Santina and tags in Vickie. Santina tries to slop her, but Chavo jumps him and tries to slop him. He misses and slops Vickie. Santina slops Chavo, then pins Vickie for the win at 2:43 to become Miss WrestleMania again. Gross. -50 stars.

SummerSlam, August 23 on PPV!

Orton/Batista video package.

Chavo and Vickie walk backstage while everyone in the vicinity holds their nose. Goldust and Hornswoggle show up to bring the comedy, then run away from the smell. They find Edge in Vickie’s office. Vickie tells Edge he’s on his own tonight. Edge says he wants a divorce. Poor Vickie. Divorces are no fun at all, and I don’t imagine being covered in pig shit is either.

Steel Cage Match for the WWE Championship: Randy Orton (c) vs. Batista. In-ring intros, and we’re off! Orton tries to escape immediately, but Batista stops him and goes to work kicking his ass. Orton avoids a charge and tries to escape again. Rinse, repeat. Orton counters the Batista Bomb and tries to escape again, but then decided to go for the punt instead. Batista avoids it. Orton avoids the Batista Bomb again. Batista avoids the RKO. Batista hits the Batista Bomb for the pin at 7:03. Seriously? That’s it? Ah well, at least it was too short to suck. Fun fact: this is the first time the WWE Championship has changed hands in a Steel Cage match.

Show/Cena video package.
Submission Match: The Big Show vs. John Cena. The whole basis of this match is that Show is too big for Cena to put in the STF. Of course, he goes for it in the first minute and fails. Of all the Cena/Show matches… this is one of them. Same old shit, except with more sleeper holds. About 10 minutes in, Cena avoids the Vader Bomb and tries to slam Show. Show lands on top and hugs Cena, which is apparently a submission hold. Show beats up Cena some more and locks in an abdominal stretch. Cena counters a chokeslam attempt with a DDT and tries the STF again. He still doesn’t get it. Show locks in a bearhug. Cena escapes and drops Show with a neckbreaker. Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Show goes for the chokeslam, but Cena avoids it and hits the Attitude Adjustment. STF fails again. Show lands the KO punch and knocks Cena out of the ring. Show goes out and picks him him, but Cena slips off and sends Show into the ring post. Back in the ring, Cena misses a diving leg drop, then props up one of show’s legs against the ropes and locks in a crossface. The leg doesn’t stay. Show submits to this half assed STF at 19:05, even though Show’s feet were under the ropes. Fucking retarded.

Edge/Hardy video package.
Ladder Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Jeff Hardy. In-ring intros. There are dozens of ladders placed around the ring. First ouch moment comes 3 minutes in when Jeff backdrops Edge out of the ring and chest first onto a ladder. Jeff makes the first attempt to climb up to the big gold belt, but Edge stops him, then drops him painfully on the ladder. That’s one cheap aluminum ladder ruined. Edge brings in another and sets it in a corner. Jeff avoids a charging Edge, who spears the ladder. Match goes on. Edge creatively sandwiches Jeff in the ladder and locks in a Sharpshooter. Later, Edge takes a painful front suplex into an open ladder. Lots of creative painful looking things in this match. Hardy brings in a really tall ladder. He hits the Twist of Fate, then goes up the tall ladder with the intent of diving off. Edge moves out of the way. The ladder falls over but Jeff grabs hold of the belt. Edge pulls him down before Jeff can take the belt down. Hardy hits the Whisper in the Wind off the ladder. The carnage continues. They take a huge bump off a ladder at ringside through another one set up on the ring apron and guardrail. Back in the ring, Hardy climbs for the belt. Edge climbs another ladder and tries to spear Hardy, but gets caught with a neckbreaker in mid air. Hardy goes for the gold again. Edge climbs up the other side and punches Hardy down. Hardy pulls Edge’s legs through the ladder to trap him. Edge can do nothing but look on as Hardy pulls the belt down and becomes World Heavyweight Champion at 20:06. Pretty damn good ladder match.

But wait, it’s not over! CM Punk comes down and cashes in the Money In The Bank contract!

Pyro, then Jim Ross welcomes us LIVE to Chicago! The first man through the curtain is Chicago’s own Mr. Money In The Bank, CM Punk! Ross and Todd Grisham are your commentary team for this match. They show Umaga costing Punk his chance to cash in Money In The Bank in Madison Square Garden 3 weeks ago.

CM Punk vs. Umaga. Punk fires away at Umaga and tries to be abusive and elusive. Crowd is VERY pro-Punk. Umaga manages to beat down Punk a bit, but Punk continues to fire back. Umaga applies a nerve hold. Punk tries to fight out, but Umaga blasts him with a Samoan headbutt, which will put down anyone. Umaga continues to punish Punk’s shoulders. Punk takes a bump off the apron into the guardrail. Punk tries to get a sunset flip coming back in the ring, but Umaga sits on him, then continues the beatdown. Punk tries to slam Umaga, who lands on top and gets a near fall. Umaga goes back to the shoulder. Umaga goes for a long distance diving headbutt, but Punk avoids it. It looked like Umaga would have missed it anyway, but I digress. Punk low bridges a charging Umaga to send him to the outside, then dives out onto him. Back inside, Punk fires away with strikes, but fails to knock Umaga down. Punk avoids a charging Umaga in the corner and hits the diving bulldog for a two count, which Umaga throws him off of. Punk hits the springboard lariat for a close two count. Punk signals for the Go 2 Sleep, but can’t get Umaga up. Umaga reverses it into a Samoan drop for a near fall. Punk avoids the Samoan Spike and nails some kicks. He goes for the Go 2 Sleep again, but can’t get it. Umaga nails a superkick which sends Punk into the corner, then ass butts him. Umaga finishes him off with the Samoan Spike for the clean pin at 11:52. Well that sucks. Ok match, though.

Vickie Guerrero is backstage in her office. Chavo comes in and tells her John Cena has been cleared to wrestle. Big Show tells her he’s going to take Cena out tonight. Edge comes in to talk to Vickie.

Matt Striker and Josh Matthews hype up the ECW Championship match, showing how Christian beat Jack Swagger for the title at Backlash. The rematch is NOW!
ECW Championship Match: Christian (c) vs. Jack Swagger. Whoa, in-ring introductions for the ECW Title match. And hey, Tony Chimel IS still with the company. I haven’t seen him in so long I was starting to wonder. Swagger tries to take down Christian, who avoids it. Christian has been awesome since his return. Christian goes for the Killswitch early, but Swagger escapes it. Swagger gets the advantage briefly until Christian sends him outside and hits a dive out onto him. Swagger manages to get the advantage again and works over Christian’s back to soften him up for the Doctor Bomb. Swagger goes for the Vader Bomb, but Christian gets his knees up and tries to mount a comeback. Christian goes for a splash or a headbutt, but misses. Swagger gets a sloppy Oklahoma roll for a two count. Christian takes some punishment, gets an inside cradle for a near fall. Double clothesline spot. Christian gets to his feet and goes for a sunset flip, but Swagger traps him and gets a near fall. Swagger counters the tornado DDT attempt, but Christian hits the reverse version. Swagger gets a schoolboy, but the referee catches him pulling the tights. Isn’t that grounds for a DQ in WWE now? Swagger counters the Killswitch, Christian counters the Doctor Bomb. Christian gets a reverse cradle and pulls the tights for the win at 9:34. Okay match, but not nearly as good as their match at Backlash.

Edge comes out of Vickie’s dressing room and chastises Chavo for not doing anything about Santino calling Vickie a pig, then says he has to go defend his World Title.

Shelton Benjamin (w/ Charlie Haas) vs. John Morrison. Shelton starts in a big way with an Exploder, then works over Morrison a bit. When Morrison turns the tide, Benjamin bails. Morrison hits an awesome Shooting Star dive to the outside. Haas provides the distraction to let Benjamin get the advantage again. Long resthold sequence from Benjamin. They finally get up and moving again, then promptly knock heads and go down. Morrison makes a comeback, then Benjamin takes him down with a backbreaker for a near fall. Morrison fights back and nails a sweet knee kick for a near fall. Morrison tries a springboard rana, but it turns into an awkard powerbomb into the turnbuckle. Morrison avoids the Paydirt and hits a drop toehold in the corner. Morrison hits a monkey flip, but Benjamin lands on his feet. Morrison quickly deals with an interfering Haas and avoids Shelton’s Stinger Splash in the corner. Morrison hits the Flying Chuck and the Starship Pain (split-legged corkscrew moonsault) for the win at 10:09. Okay match. I think they could do better.

WrestleMania 25 on DVD this Tuesday!

The Miz comes out. We finally get to hear from Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole on commentary. The Miz implies that John Morrison is the Marty Jannetty to his Shawn Michaels, then says since he can’t challenge Cena tonight, he’s going to challenge a substitute. He insults one of the Chicago Cubs players in the audience, then challenges him to either win a World Series or get in the ring. Miz claims this somehow makes him 4-0 against Cena. Santino Marella comes out and reprimands “The Fiz” for insulting a fellow Italian. Santino compares WWE superstars to animals: Vickie Guerrero to a pig, Vladimir Kozlov to the blue eagle from Seasame Street or something, and “The Fiz” to a jackass. Miz decks him with a cheap shot and they roll around a bit until Miz drops him with a DDT. Funny segment. Oh, wait. Chavo Guerrero comes down and hits the frog splash on Santino as punishment for making fun of Vickie.

WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: Rey Mysterio Jr. (c) vs. Chris Jericho. Mysterio tries to go for the 619 quick, ala WrestleMania, but Jericho bails to avoid it, then comes back in to take the fight to Mysterio. Mysterio hits a cool legdrop on Jericho, then a minute later Jericho dropkicks Mysterio off the ring apron. Mysterio takes a beating for a bit. Mysterio fights back and goes for the 619 again, but Jericho counters with a sweet back body drop frop a two count. Jericho hits an awesome spinning rack backbreaker for a near fall. Jericho tries to take of Mysterio’s mask, which the announcers put over as the ultimate insult to a luchador. Mysterio fights him off and hits the Bombs Away, they does his Speedy Gonzalez routine, jumping around and hitting Jericho. Jericho goes for the Walls, but Mysterio flips out of it. Jericho catches him with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for a near fall. Jericho avoids the 619 again and tries to turn a rana into the Walls of Jericho but Mysterio headscissors his way out of it. 619 attempt again, but Jericho catches Mysterio’s legs and locks in the Walls of Jericho. Mysterio suffers for a bit, but manages to turn it into an inside cradle for a near fall. Mysterio goes for a Frankensteiner again, but Jericho powerbombs him down for a near fall. Mysterio finally manages to hit the 619 and follows with the diving splash for the pin at 12:38. Damn good match.

Orton/Batista video package.

WWE Championship Match: Randy Orton (c) vs. Batista. Entrances, introductions, and the opening bell. Orton bails immediately. When he comes back in, they lock up and Batista grabs a headlock. Batista knocks Orton down and he bails again. He comes back in to get his ass kicked some more. Orton dropkicks Batista off the apron to get the advantage and starts to work him over. Orton beats down Batista for a while, then hits his sick DDT off the middle rope for a near fall. Orton stalks Batista and sets up the punt of doom, but Batista wakes up and spears him. They make it to their feet and trade shots. Orton gets his ass kicked and bails, demanding that the referee counts him out. Batista, of course, doesn’t allow that. He goes out after Orton and manages to throw him back in the ring before the count of ten. Orton bails again at the first opportunity and grabs a chair. Batista knocks him off the ring apron before he can use it and bashes Orton’s head against the announce table, then throws him back in and hits a diving shoulder tackle for a near fall. Batista goes for the Batista Bomb, but Orton scampers out, grabs his belt, and tries to leave. Batista gives chase and throws him back in the ring. Orton tries to use the belt and get DQ’d, but Batista nails the spinebuster and goes for the Batista Bomb. Orton escapes and goes for the RKO, but Batista drops him. Orton avoids a charging Batista, who goes shoulder-first into the ring post. Orton goes for the RKO again, but Batista shoves him into the ref. Orton slaps the referee to cause the DQ at 14:41. Legacy runs in they commence to beat down Batista until RIC FLAIR comes running down to make the face. Orton takes the Batista Bomb, then Batista and Flair fight off Dibiase and Rhodes. Legacy bails as Batista and Flair stand tall in the ring. Better match than I expected.

Extreme Rules, next month on PPV!

Cena/Show video package.

The Big Show vs. John Cena. Cena is still hurt from Show chokeslamming him through a searchlight at Backlash. Show, naturally, attacks Cena’s injured midsection with his huge fists. Cena fights back, but is overwhelmed. Rinse, lather, repeat. After 10 minutes of getting massacred, Cena finally manages to make a comeback. He drops Show and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Show goes for the chokeslam, but Cena hits the half assed rolling DDT on Show. Is it really more dangerous for Show to just take the proper DDT? Cena goes for the STF, but can’t get it. Show squashed him with a Vader Bomb, but Cena kicks out! Show goes for another one, but Cena avoids it and goes for the STF again, but still can’t manage it. He hits his diving Fameasser and goes for the STF again, but Show elbows him in the face until he thinks better of it. Show hits the Alley-Oop, which he hasn’t done in years. Cena avoids the KO punch and hits the Attitude Adjustment for the win at 14:57. Fun match, the story worked well. Of course in the end, Cena’s retard strength overcomes all.

Terminator: Salvation video game trailer, for whatever reason, followed by a shot of the Sears Tower.

Edge/Hardy video package.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Edge (c) vs. Jeff Hardy. Entrances, intros, and we’re off! Jeff shines in the opening minutes, working Edge’s arm. I’m absolutely certain that won’t come in to play later. Jeff sends Edge out of the ring and hits the obligatory suicide dive 3 minutes in. Back in the ring, Jeff misses the Whisper in the Wind and allows Edge to get the advantage. Edge spears Hardy off the ring apron, then brings him back in the ring to administer the beat down. Jeff takes the punishment, but fights back and hits a diving cross body for a near fall. Jeff catches Edge with an inside cradle, ala this past No Way Out, but Edge kicks out. Jeff locks in a Sharpshooter, of all things. Edge gets a rope break. Hardy hits the Twist of Fate for a near fall. Edge goes for a powerbomb, but Hardy counters it into a sunset flip for a near fall. They end up on the outside, where Hardy clears the announce table and takes the protective covering off the barricade. He tries walking across the barricade, but Edge catches him with a big spear. Edge makes it back in and waits for the inevitable count-out victory, but Hardy makes it back in the ring before the fatal 10 count! Jeff hits a Twist of Fate on the ropes and a springboard leg drop. Jeff covers, but Edge gets a foot on the ropes. Jeff hits the Whisper in the Wind for a near fall. Edge bails, but Hardy follows him outside. Jeff sets up the steps to use as a springboard and hits the Poetry In Motion over the barricade and into the front row. They go back over the barricade. Matt Hardy appears and nails Jeff with his cast! Edge puts Jeff back in the ring and covers, but Jeff kicks out again! Jeff avoids the spear and goes up for the Swanton Bomb, but Edge meets him hits an AVALANCHE-STYLE EDGECUTION for the pin at 19:54. Good match. The finish was pretty sweet.

WWE open, “Last week on Raw…,” Raw open, pyro and ballyhoo. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers LIVE from Jacksonville, Florida. Tonight, Randy Orton will be Edge’s guest on The Cutting Edge! Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

Batista comes out and bitches about the way he lost at Extreme Rules, the silly duct tape finish, which they show on the screen. He whines for a while, and eventually says that tonight, he and John Cena will have a Beat The Clock Challenge to determine who gets to choose the stipulations for their match at Over The Limit. He calls out his opponent, The Miz. Sheamus comes out instead. Sheamus recites his own complaints and grievances, then challenges Batista to put his title shot on the line tonight. Batista says no. Sheamus says he’ll be WWE Champion again soon.

Batista faces The Miz NEXT!

United States Champion The Miz comes out and tells Batista that he still can’t wrestle after Big Show KTFO’d him last week. He has a piece of paper with “Doctor’s Note” written on it. Miz says he has a replacement, his NXT rookie Daniel Bryan! Miz tells Bryan to not get pinned in 30 seconds. Bryan says he’s sick of this crap and is going to make Batista tap out.

Beat The Clock Challenge Match: Batista vs. Daniel Bryan (w/ WWE United States Champion The Miz). Batista immediately goes for the Batista Bomb, but Bryan counters into a sunset flip for 2. Bryan locks in an ankle hold. Batista kicks free and bails. When he comes back in, he rams Bryan into the corner and beats him up there. Bryan gets a sleeper hold, but Batista escapes and kicks Bryan in the face for 2. Batista whips Bryan into the corner, and then into the opposite corner. Bryan catches Batista with a boot and clamps on a guillotine, but Batista throws him off Northern Lights suplex style. Delayed cover gets 2. Batista throws Bryan out of the ring and follows him out, then hits a spinebuster into the side of the ring. Back inside, Batista nails a lariat for 2. Bryan starts fighting back, kicks Batista in the head, then gets kicked in his own head. Cover gets 2 for Batista. Bryan connects with some kicks and locks in a crossface. Batista struggles to get a rope break. Bryan puts the boots to Batista and has to be pulled off by the referee. Batista kicks Bryan in the knee, then spears him. Batista hits the Batista Bomb for the pin in 5:08. Okay, this was kind of awesome for what it was. After the match, Batista hits another Batista Bomb, just to be a dick about it. The official time to beat is 5:06. Batista comes back and delivers a third Batista Bomb.

Later tonight, John Cena will face Chris Jericho in the second Beat The Clock match! Guest host Wayne Brady is on NEXT!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Jacksonville!

Last week, Edge speared Randy Orton and cost him the #1 Contendership! Tonight, the Cutting Edge!

WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres poses for pictures. Wayne Brady chats with her. Jillian Hall sings at him. Brady gets rid of her, then makes nice with Eve some more. Eve notices her belt is missing. Maryse hits her in the face with it and steals it.

Edge talks to some production geek. The geek says they can’t show any good footage of Edge. Josh Matthews interrupts to interview him. Edge says WWE is PG, but he’s rated R, and he’s going to cause controversy.

NXT commercial.

Ted Dibiase Jr. comes out. They show him trying to hire R-Truth to be his Virgil last week. Dibiase cuts a promo about it. He says he’ll hire somebody to slap some sense into R-Truth.

Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase Jr. vs. John Morrison. Dibiase goes on the attack. Morrison does his fancy stuff, clotheslines Dibiase out of the ring, and hits a nice springboard 450 splash to the outside. Dibiase takes the count-out loss in 1:15. He challenges Dibiase to comeback and restart the match. Dibiase refuses. Morrison says if he loses, he’ll be Dibiase’s Virgil. Dibiase heads back to the ring. Commercials! Dibiase holds Morrison in a body scissors and beats him up. Dibiase slingshots Morrison into the top rope for 2. Dibiase continues to beat up Morrison. Morrison connects with one of his fancy kicks and makes his comeback. Morrison goes fro the Flying Chuck, but Dibiase trips him and covers for 2. Dibiase goes for the Dream Street, but Morrison counters. Dibiase hits a powerslam for 2. Dibiase hits a big lariat for 2. Dibiase hooks Morrison for the Dream Street again, but Morrison kicks off the turnbuckles and lands on top for the pin in 9:44 (think Bret/Piper from WrestleMania VIII). Fine little match. Dibiase jumps Morrison from behind after the match. R-Truth comes down to chase off Dibiase.

John Cena comes out for the match. Jericho comes out SUITED UP. He says beating Cena again(?) tonight would be a waste of time, so he’s putting Wade Barrett in his place. Barrett says Cena isn’t beating him.

Beat The Clock Challenge Match: WWE Champion John Cena vs. Wade Barrett (w/ Chris Jericho). They lock up. Cena does ground work and tries to get the quick win. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho gets on the apron. Cena throws Barrett onto Jericho. Cena throws Barrett back in the ring. Jericho attacks Cena behind the referee’s back. Barrett kicks Cena into the announce table, then throws him back in the ring and beats up him. Barrett does very well, stretches Cena a bit, and mows him down with a big boot for 2. Barrett continues to beat on Cena as the clock dwindles down. Cena takes Barrett down and locks in the STF for the win in 4:38. Fine little match. Barrett looked good in there against Cena. Before Cena can announce the gimmick match for the PPV, Sheamus runs in and hits him with the pump kick.

The Cutting Edge TONIGHT!

Another WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Maryse vs. Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella). Maryse doesn’t have the belt, so I guess she gave it back after she stole it. They lock up. Bella does some stuff. Maryse bails and gets caught between the Bellas. An enviable position to be in. Back inside, Nikki goes up top, but Maryse pulls her off. Cole calls her the Divas Champ, because Cole is retarded. Maryse hits the DDT for the pin in 1:01. Whatever. They show pics of Maryse posing over an unconscious Eve. Eve comes out, has to struggle to get into the ring, then is held back by the referee while Maryse leaves. This segment just got demoted from “Whatever” to “Utterly fucking pointless.”

Gail Kim and Alicia Fox are at ringside. Zack Ryder is in the ring. He’s single since Rosa was drafted to Smackdown, so that’s why he invited the Divas out here. He calls out Primo for a rematch of their Superstars match, making some slightly racial remarks. Wayne Brady appears on the screen and informs that he’ll be facing Mark Henry instead.

Zack Ryder vs. Mark Henry. Henry slams Ryder a bunch. Ryder avoids a charge in the corner and kicks Henry’s leg, then hits a missile dropkick for 2. Ryder hits the Rough Ryder for 2. Ryder pounds on Henry. Henry rams Ryder into the corner and beats him up some more. Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam for the pin in 1:51. Fun little squash. Henry leaves with the ladies.

Chris Jericho and The Miz complain to each other about them both getting KTFO’d by Big Show. Jericho has an idea about how they can pay Show back.

They show Edge spearing Orton last week. Again. Cutting Edge tonight. The more they hype it, the less I care.

John Morrison hype video.

Vladimir Kozlov is backstage with Wayne Brady. Kozlov is pleased that Brady has given him competition. Santino Marella comes in dressed in 70s clothes. Wrong Brady. Santino still wants to tag with Kozlov. William Regal tells Kozlov they have a match tonight. They’re back together? Oh, Santino brings up how Regal betrayed Kozlov. Santino says he was one of the 7 people who watched ECW. So me, my friend Cecil, Meltzer, Alvarez, Vinny, MGFanJay, and Santino were ECW’s viewership. Regal says they’ve sorted it out. Santino says “Regal, Regal, Regal!” in Brady Bunch fashion. Oh, and Goldust is dressed in a maid’s outfit. Brady thinks he’s Alice. Goldust says “Who’s Alice?” Hilarious segment.

Review of the people who were drafted to Raw in the supplemental draft.

Unified Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty and Natalya are headed our way!

Last Monday, the Hart Dynasty beat Show Miz for the Unified Tag Team Championship!

Chris Jericho and The Miz have joined the announcers. I think I get Jericho’s plan!

Non-Title: Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) vs. William Regal & Vladimir Kozlov. Regal and Kidd lock up and Regal goes into awesome Regal mode. Kidd fights back. Kozlov trips Kidd, who takes a bump to the outside. Bad guys get heat on Kidd. Smith gets the hot tag and runs wild. Regal knocks Kidd of the apron the knee trembler. Smith avoids the knee trembler and locks in the Sharpshooter for the win in 2:43. Miz tries to jump Smith, but gets cut off. Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Smith. Miz gives Smith the Skull Crushing Finale. I approve of the Mizard of Fozz.

More hype for the Cutting Edge, which I actively don’t want to see by this point.

NXT commercial.

Flavor Flav is next week’s guest host. Fuck.

Justin Roberts introduces Edge for the Cutting Edge. Edge cuts a promo I don’t give a fuck about. Wayne Brady comes out and has fun cutting a promo on past guest hosts. Randy Orton comes out and RKOs Brady. Edge tries to convince Orton not to RKO him and to reform Rated RKO. Edge bitches about the people not accepting him as a babyface, but they accepted Orton. Edge says if Orton doesn’t join him, he’ll spear him every week. Orton goes for the RKO. Edge counters and boots him in the face, then goes for the spear. Orton counters Edge MID SPEAR with the RKO. Okay, that ruled. Okay, this segment turned out way better than I expected. Orton stands tall. Replays. Edge and Brady are still laid out.

Chris Jericho comes out to face Kofi, but first cuts a promo about going to Raw. Kofi takes the mic and tells Jericho to shut up, then does his “BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!” bit.

Kofi Kingston vs. Chris Jericho. Jericho goes on the attack immediately. Kofi comes back with his corner punches, but Jericho powerbombs him out of the corner. Insta-commercials! Jericho knocks Kofi out of the ring with a baseball slide dropkick, throws him back in, and beats on him some more. Jericho locks in a neck and/or shoulder hold. Jericho avoids a charge in the corner and sends Kofi into the turnbuckles. Jericho beats up Kofi some more. Kofi hits a diving cross body for 2. Kofi does his chops and goes for the Boom Drop, but Jericho blocks it and goes for the Walls of Jericho. Kofi counters into a cradle for 2. Kofi dodges an enzuigiri and goes for the Trouble In Paradise, but Jericho catches his leg and locks him in the Walls of Jericho. Striker is so full of shit, claiming that arching up will RELIEVE pressure on the back. Fucking moron. Kofi gets a rope break and hits a dropkick. Jericho avoids the Boom Drop again and hits the Codebreaker, send Kofi out of the ring. Jericho rolls him back in the ring and covers for 2. Jericho kicks the bottom rope in frustration. Jericho yells “WHERE’S THE BOOM?” Kofi catches Jericho with the Trouble In Paradise out of nowhere for the pin (6:14 shown). Good little match. The crowd popped big for Kofi’s win.

The World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger gets heat by being pro-George Bush.

Chavo Guerrero Jr. cuts a promo about being back on Smackdown. Kane comes out and chokeslams him. Kane says “Welcome back, Chavo,” then does his pyro.

John Morrison takes on Cody Rhodes NEXT!

WWE Magazine!

Hershey! Pennsylvania, that is.

Shad Gaspard cuts a short promo backstage.

John Morrison vs. Cody Rhodes. They do some stuff. Morrison slaps Rhodes. Rhodes takes him down with a drop toe hold. They lock up aggressively. Rhodes stomps Morrison into the corner. Morrison fights back, drops Rhodes with a big kick, and hits a standing Shooting Star press for 2. Rhodes bails. Morrison follows and sends him in the barricade. Cody rallies and hits a big boot off the steps. Back inside. Insta-commercials! Morrison fights out of a hold. Rhodes hits a dropkick for 2. Rhodes hits a knee drop for 2. Rhodes keeps the heat on Morrison. Morrison avoids a knee drop and lands a dropkick. Morrison builds his comeback. Reverse cradle gets 2. Morrison hits the Flying Chuck for 2. Morrison counters the Cross Rhodes and hits a flapjack for 2. Cody avoids the Starship Pain and backdrops Morrison to the apron. Morrison goes for a springboard head scissors thingy, but Rhodes hits the Alabama Slam. “That’s Hardcore!” Striker yells. Excellent. Morrison hits the running knee for 2. Rhodes hits a jawbreaker. Morrison rocks him with a kick. Rhodes hits the Cross Rhodes for the pin (8:00 shown). Good little match.

Edge comes to the ring for his farewell address. He says he doesn’t want to leave because Smackdown always felt like home. He says he loves the fans. Christian comes out. Edge acts happy to see him and talks about their history. Edge tells Christian he’s his best friend and wishes him luck on Smackdown. So they’re not brothers anymore. Christian talks about their history and says he knows Edge better than anybody, and knows he’s full of it. They go back and forth. Christian says he’s never been World Champion, since of course the NWA title doesn’t count. Christian calls Edge a liar. Edge admits it, then bashes the fans. Christian says it finally dawned on him that Edge used him to get to the top. Christian challenges Edge. Edge says no, then Pearl Harbors Christian. Edge goes for the spear, but Christian blocks it and kicks Edge’s ass. Christian goes for the Killswitch, but Edge counters it and bails. Christian gets the crowd do sing the stupid goodbye song. Good segment, but Edge’s heel turn makes no fucking sense at all.

Josh Matthews interviews Edge. Big Show shows up and KTFO punches him. Man, Smackdown should just be 2 hours of Big Show punching people out backstage.

Michelle McCool & Layla (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. WWE Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix & Kelly Kelly. McCool and Kelly do some shit. It sucks. Kelly does her ridiculous looking Dragon Kid shit and a rana for 2. Vickie cheap shots Kelly on the outside. McCool beats up Kelly. Layla tags in and cuts Kelly off from making the tag. Kelly avoids a leg drop and makes the hot tag. Beth runs wild. Beth goes for the Glam Slam. McCool comes in to save and gets knocked out of the ring. Beth hits a slingshot suplex on Layla and tags in Kelly. Kelly hits her fucking awful Fameasser on Layla for the pin in 3:37. Fucking terrible. The highlight was Striker’s line after the Beth’s slingshot suplex, “Somewhere, a Brainbuster is smiling.”

More Jack Swagger backstage hyping himself.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Chris Masters wiggles his man tits.

Dolph Ziggler comes out. They show him putting Hornswoggle in the sleeper on Raw. He is a great, great man for doing that. Ziggler says “No one will ever see that little troll on Smackdown again.” I fucking hope he’s right.

They show Matt Hardy’s injury at the hands of Ziggler and Drew McIntyre last week.

Josh Matthews interviews Matt Hardy. He says he’ll be back. Drew McIntyre jumps him and hits the double arm DDT on the floor.

JTG cuts a promo backstage.

The Straight Edge Society comes out. Punk cuts a promo about beating Rey Mysterio at Extreme Rules. MVP interrupts and apologized to the fan for having to listen to Punk’s spiel every week. THANK YOU, MVP. MVP decks Punk and jumps on Gallows. Of course, he’s quickly overcome by numbers. And of course, Rey Mysterio Jr. makes the save. Commercials!

CM Punk & Luke Gallows (w/ Serena) vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. & Montel Vontavious Porter. MVP and Gallows start. MVP knocks Gallows down with a forearm and tags in Mysterio. MVP wheelbarrows Mysterio onto Gallows for 2. Gallows and Mysterio do stuff. Gallows hits a big boot for 2, then pounds on Mysterio. Punk tags in and pounds on Mysterio. Punk hits a backdrop suplex and a trifecta of leg drops for 2. Punk locks in a figure-four head scissors. Mysterio fights out. Gallows tags in. SES double teams Mysterio. Cover gets 2 for Gallows. Bad guys continue to get heat on Mysterio. Mysterio drops Punk with a spinny DDT. MVP and Gallows tag in. MVP runs wild. Ballin’ elbow gets 2, as Punk saves. Mysterio hits Punk with the springboard Bombs Away. 619 to Gallows. MVP hits the Paydirt on Gallows for the pin in 5:06. Poor Shelton Benjamin. He gets fired, then MVP steals his finish. The hooded guy comes in and hits a neckbreaker on Mysterio, then runs out through the crowd. The match was fine.

Another Jack Swagger fun fact.

Tony Chimel introduces the World Heavyweight Champion, Jack Swagger. He cuts a promo. The crowd hates him. He talks forever. Teddy Long comes out and introduces the new #1 Contender, The Big Show! Show talks about all of Swagger’s claims to greatness, then KTFO punches him. Yay! I approve of Show just punching out random people on Smackdown.

Gail Kim vs. Jillian Hall. They lock up. Jillian knocks Gail down and misses a flipping leg drop. Jillian drops her again and goes up top. Gail meets her and hits a Frankensteiner off the top! Gail goes for a victory roll, but Hall turns it into an electric chair drop for 2. Jillian keeps the heat on Gail. Samoan drop gets 2 for Jillian. Jillian continues to dominate. Gail hits a head scissors and makes her comeback. Gail hits a cross body, but Jillian rolls through and gets a 2 count. Jillian hits a handspring elbow to the corner. Gail avoids a charge and hits the Eat Defeat for the pin in 5:26. Not a bad little match.

Draft recap.

WWE.com plug.

Tonight, the NEW Unified Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty will be in action!

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Zack Ryder (w/ Rosa Mendez) vs. Primo. Holy shit, Primo is still employed? They lock up. Ryder works Primo’s arm. Primo responds in kind. Primo back drops Ryder out of the ring, fakes a dive, then hits a dive. Back inside, cover gets 2. Ryder puts Primo on the ropes and hits a knee life that knocks him out of the ring. Insta-commercials! Ryder has Primo locked in a body scissors. During the break, he whipped Primo into the side of the ring. Primo escapes and gets a jackknife hold for 2. Ryder hits a flapjack for 2. Ryder knocks Primo out of the ring with a sliding dropkick, then sends him into the side of the ring again. Ryder works a shoulder hold back in the ring. Primo fights out, but gets whipped and takes a front bump into the turnbuckles. Primo avoids a diving leg drop and makes his comeback. Primo gets some cradles for 2. Primo connects with some kicks and hits a leg drop for 2. Primo goes up top. Rosa distracts him and the referee. Ryder knocks Primo off the top and hits the Zack Attack for the pin (8:15 shown). Really good little match.

The Hart Dynasty doing something, TONIGHT!

Triple H/Sheamus Extreme Rules highlight video.

Todd Grisham and Matt Striker have taken over announcing duties.

They show the Hart Dynasty beating The Big Show & The Miz for the Unified Tag Team Championship on Raw, and Show’s subsequent KTFO’ing of Miz.

The crowd is ROARING for the Hart Dynasty’s entrance! The main event is NEXT!

Non-Title: Unified WWE Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) vs. The Dudebusters. Caylen Croft now looks like the love child of Primo and Alex Shelley for some reason. Barreta and Kidd lock up. They do some good wrestling. Dudebusters manage to get the advantage on Kidd. Kidd is concentrated awesomeness in a wrestler’s body. Smith tags in and throws Croft around. They manage to get the advantage on Smith through cheap shots. Insta-commercials! Barreta holds Smith in a grounded side headlock. Smith makes a comeback and tags in Kidd, who runs wild on Croft. Barreta DDTs Kidd on the apron. Fucking ow. Croft gets Kidd back in the ring and covers for 2. Kidd plays face in peril for a long time. Smith gets the hot tag and runs wild. Smith hits the stall suplex on Croft for 2. Barreta saves Croft from taking the running powerslam. Natalya slaps Barreta. Smith backdrops Kidd out of the ring and onto the Dudebusters. Springboard Hart Attack of Croft. Kidd gets the pin (10:52 shown). Awesome little match. The Harts are fucking OVER right now.

After suffering through Impact and NXT today, this show did a lot towards redeeming Pro Wrestling for me.