Wednesday, November 10, 2010

So far November has been an interesting month. It's been filled with deception, criticism and illogical logic. And, that's just the election.

I don't even want to know what Americans were thinking when they voted out decent people – especially those talented couples on "Dancing with the Stars."

Then, there's my temporary day job. For ten more days, I'm a file clerk in a bank. My chore is to remove staples and scan documents.

When the scanner broke last week, my boss said, "Take it apart and wash it with soap and water. But whatever you do, don't get it wet."

I don't even want to know what she was thinking. It's a cheap operation. They don't supply instant water.

So I used coffee crystals. Well, I figured if I couldn't clean the scanner, I could at least wake it up.

Turns out the scanner broke because another temp scanned documents with staples. When I pointed out our job was to remove staples, my colleague remarked, "If I do that, I won't have time to do my job."

This same guy went looking for a file called "Heart and Hand". He came back empty handed, but with heart, he bellowed, "I couldn't find it, and I looked through every folder in the Bs."

I don't even want to know what he was thinking. But, I know I had to fight the urge to say, "While you had the B drawer open, you should have filed yourself under Butthead, Beavis."

I began temping last year to supplement my income because a lot of people who hire writers believe in keeping the free in freelancer. I love temping. It provides great fodder for comedy writers. And when the job is complete, I can walk away from incompetence, hypocrisy and illogical logic.

Two weeks ago, I received a call from an agency where a woman interviewed me in person six months ago. She suddenly had a sense of urgency and insisted I needed to take some tests that day.

Three days later, the woman said I scored really high on Microsoft Word, basic skills and typing.

"But, you flunked the personality test."

Specifically, she indicated my answers stressed I was not a reliable team member as I was not willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. You see, I answered that I was not willing to work unpaid overtime and skip lunch to pick up the slack created by colleagues with less enthusiasm but better personalities.

I guess I shouldn't let a little thing like the law stand in the way of my being a good person.

The woman promised she would call the next day with some follow-up questions to help me boost my score on her computer-generated personality test.

I don't even want to know what she was thinking. I've learned her definition of a day is 72 hours or longer. True to her word, she called me three days later and asked what I'm currently reading at night so I can become an A-lister in the industry.

I said, "Kathy Griffin's autobiography about getting on the D-list."

The woman said that wasn't industry-related unless I write comedy or do standup. I said, "Duh!"

She inquired, "I want to know what you're reading after hours to get better at your current temp job that ends in two weeks."

I had a great answer for her absurdity, "the Staples catalog."

I was told I'd receive an e-mail at the end of the next business day, which in real time would have been yesterday. Quite frankly, I don't care if she upholds her integrity by replying on Friday.

I don't even want to know what I was thinking. After all, this is a human resources executive who wore jeans and a tank top to our interview. I remember she was braless and adamant that I should "always dress like a professional and always look the part."

This woman obviously doesn't practice what she preaches. My first clue should have been when I saw she was flat-chested in Beverly Hills.

I don't even want to know what I was thinking when I assumed that, while I have the skills, I also have the personality to fit into an office environment filled with double standards and people who need to consult a computer quiz to determine if they like me as a human being.

But, there are a couple of things I want to know. How is it possible to actually flunk a personality test? And, is that worse than getting voted off "Dancing with the Stars"?

So far November has been an interesting month. It's been filled with deception, criticism and illogical logic. And, that's just the election.

I don't even want to know what Americans were thinking when they voted out decent people – especially those talented couples on "Dancing with the Stars."

Then, there's my temporary day job. For ten more days, I'm a file clerk in a bank. My chore is to remove staples and scan documents.

When the scanner broke last week, my boss said, "Take it apart and wash it with soap and water. But whatever you do, don't get it wet."

I don't know even want to know what she was thinking. It's a cheap operation. They don't supply instant water.

So I used coffee crystals. Well, I figured if I couldn't clean the scanner, I could at least wake it up.

Turns out the scanner broke because another temp scanned documents with staples. When I pointed out our job was to remove staples, my colleague remarked, "If I do that, I won't have time to do my job."

This same guy went looking for a file called "Heart and Hand". He came back empty handed, but with heart, he bellowed, "I couldn't find it, and I looked through every folder in the Bs."

I don't even want to know what he was thinking. But, I know I had to fight the urge to say, "While you had the B drawer open, you should have filed yourself under Butthead, Beavis."

I began temping last year to supplement my income because a lot of people who hire writers believe in keeping the free in freelancer. I love temping. It provides great fodder for comedy writers. And when the job is complete, I can walk away from incompetence, hypocrisy and illogical logic.

Two weeks ago, I received a call from an agency where a woman interviewed me in person six months ago. She suddenly had a sense of urgency and insisted I needed to take some tests that day.

Three days later, the woman said I scored really high on Microsoft Word, basic skills and typing.

"But, you flunked the personality test."

Specifically, she indicated my answers stressed I was not a reliable team member as I was not willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. You see, I answered that I was not willing to work unpaid overtime and skip lunch to pick up the slack created by colleagues with less enthusiasm but better personalities.

I guess I shouldn't let a little thing like the law stand in the way of my being a good person.

The woman promised she would call the next day with some follow-up questions to help me boost my score on her computer-generated personality test.

I don't even want to know what she was thinking. I've learned her definition of a day is 72 hours or longer. True to her word, she called me three days later and asked what I'm currently reading at night so I can become an A-lister in the industry.

I said, "Kathy Griffin's autobiography about getting on the D-list."

The woman said that wasn't industry-related unless I write comedy or do standup. I said, "Duh!"

She inquired, "I want to know what you're reading after hours to get better at your current temp job that ends in two weeks."

I thought I had a great answer for her absurdity, "the Staples catalog."

I was told I'd receive an e-mail at the end of the next business day, which in real time would have been yesterday. Quite frankly, I don't care if she upholds her integrity by replying on Friday.

I don't even want to know what I was thinking. After all, this is a human resources executive who wore jeans and a tank top to our interview. I remember she was braless and adamant that I should "always dress like a professional and always look the part."

This woman obviously doesn't practice what she preaches. My first clue should have been when I saw she was flat-chested in Beverly Hills.

I don't even want to know what I was thinking when I assumed that, while I have the skills, I also have the personality to fit into an office environment filled with double standards and people who need to consult a computer quiz to determine if they like me as a human being.

But, there are a couple of things I want to know. How is it possible to actually flunk a personality test? And, is that worse than getting voted off "Dancing with the Stars"?

About Me

I am an award-winning professional journalist and comedy writer. I've written for newspapers, magazines, radio, television, headlining comedians and politicians. I also do standup, inspirational speaking and acting. I'm a Texas native with a drawl that drips slower than molasses. This blog is updated each week, so please come back for a visit.