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View From Over The (Lap)Top

VIEW FROM OVER THE (LAP)TOP

From City Cycle Motorcycle News July 2003

By Mark Kalan, Editor and Publisher

I have a dream. I wake rested and alert to the sun bathing my room with soft light. My wife rolls over, reaches toward me smiling and plants a big, wet one on my lips. I'm thinking that Cher looks pretty good this hour of the morning. As I begin to return her affection I notice that the calendar on the wall reads July 16.

Suddenly I'm on my motorcycle, Cher is on her bike riding along side. I look over my shoulder at Peter Fonda and behind him is Sylvester Stallone. I spot Arnold Schwarzenegger on a badass custom, trading jabs with Hulk Hogan on classic v-twin. A blonde in a white latex nurse's uniform helps Burt Reynolds out of a wheelchair and onto a trike. As I peek in the mirror I can see an endless stream of headlights, except for Cher, she has only two, and they’re standing at attention.

We roar across the George Washington Bridge, riding in perfect formation, Cher's ponytail blowing in the wind, behind her Fonda's ponytail is also blowing in the wind while Schwarzenegger's ponytail is hitting Hogan in the face. Then I notice Bob Dylan on the side of the road, pissin' in the wind.

The airspace over the Hudson is clogged with helicopters broadcasting live pictures around the globe. Dylan ducks for cover. Similar scenes are played in and broadcast from every major city around the globe.

Traffic on the West Side Highway is at a standstill and cars happily move aside to create a safe zone for us to lane-share. The commuters sit calmly, smiling and waving as we ride by. Hopefully wishing that they could ride a motorcycle.

We stop at City Hall where we meet the Mayor and she proclaims New York City "Motorcycle Friendly" then orders the DOT to reopen all the free motorcycle parking lots in the five boroughs, and proclaim the third Wednesday in July as Ride To Work Day. All in one exhale.

We ride up to Rockefeller Plaza, Matt Lauer leading the way, and we give our pitch to the Today Show. Next we hit all the other major morning talk shows.

The entire historic scene is captured on video by all of the networks except Speed Channel, who said the event would move too slowly. All the footage is scrapped after the Eleven O'clock News, except for the Discovery Channel who continue to run it twice a week until the death of fossil fuel, at which point the History Channel buys it.

Suddenly Cher is gone and so are all the bikes. Peter Fonda claims we've never met, Hulk Hogan won't return my calls and Burt, after the unfortunate incident at Hoggs and Heifers, Burt doesn't speak much at all.

Suddenly, a bike shop is THE place to hang out. Small displacement bikes and inexpensive scooters are flying out of showrooms at record rates. The Japanese and Italian trade deficits dissolve overnight. The servers at the American Motorcyclist Association are so overwhelmed that they catch fire, burning down the offices but not the museum. The AMA Board votes to move to Southern California but there isn’t any office space available, save for the airspace over the NHTSA, but Geico holds that option.

All kidding aside, our Annual "Ride to Work" day is Wednesday July 16th. Motorcyclists here in the USA, Great Britain and Germany will be riding their bikes to work as a show of support. For more information check out www.ridetowork.org