As I write this I’m thinking about a lot of good things that have happened and I am however drawn inevitably to some of those lower moments too. A hit and run on my car, thanks mate I needed the insurance claim! and bad mental health that has put my plans for dieting back so I need to get back to that. But on to the good!

* Another year with my wonderful partner.

* Cosplay, meeting new and old friends thanks to the hobby.

* Mental health is back on track… for now 😉

* Changed job and moved house.

Cosplay wise I got to meet so many people and share a passion with them, it’s just been fantastic. I have even been nominated for Miss Yorkshire Cosplay, if you get time do click on the link HERE and vote for me. I would really appreciate it, and to be honest I am utterly flattered people have voted at all. It’s so much fun to be part of something like that, I never dreamed it would happen to me anyway.

Gaming wise – more Gears of War, a tantalising news event of the possibility that there will be more for X Box one from the Gears world; this means my year of co-operative gaming and hilarious deaths in multi-player were worth it! Well to be honest any time with friends is worth it.

I got to revel in the new Wolfenstein, also to play new games from Gold that I might not have before. One of those which still amuses me now is Battle Block Theatre, the chaos platform gaming just seems so much fun. I also like my Steam account as it means that I can go wild playing on that too.

World of Warcraft and running a guild is also a blessing, sometimes it feels a little curse like when I am having a rough day and cannot get everything properly organised but the guild I run has amazingly tolerant and mature players for the most part. I like it when I can get time with them as a group for raiding etc… now I really should sort that poor guild bank out!

I really do wish everyone a great 2015, and I hope that you get the most out of a new year.

This is a about perspective. It’s a new year and last year I learnt a hell of a lot, mostly about me and my own shortcomings, as a cosplayer but that’s a good thing, I think its part of life lessons as well as exploring my hobby more in-depth.

Positives from last year – I lost over 100 pounds in weight. FYI that’s like a whole person in some cases! Met awesome friends, saw fantastic costumes and learnt some amazing new crafting ideas.

Negatives – fell into some of the cosplay/popularity traps of getting frustrated by lack of pictures. Had a few times where I was sure I was going to give up and just go back to hiding in my flat. Panic attacks and anxiety issues.

Cosplayer – Your costume and you are fabulous, you don’t need to be told this, you already know it. Don’t belittle what you do, I am terribly good at convincing myself I am terrible. This is a process of mental instability and other outside factors, I want to tell you now I am fully aware of how self-destructive this can be.

Okay I love my costumes, getting a picture and part of the fun is someone stopping you to compliment you but getting angry or upset people don’t only harms you. The guy that shoved me aside for a thinner model, the one that told me I was too fat for a picture when I never asked him for one in the first place and the guy that promises to take a picture then doesn’t? They are upsetting but I can bet you they have already forgotten you, don’t waste time dwelling on them, it’s giving the, too much credit.

Feeling fat, crap or ugly? Nonsense. Someone somewhere loves you for who you are, and whilst you may not see it in that moment take time to reflect on it. I have been guilty of letting a strangers comments destroy me and my confidence and yet in that same day someone else, in fact probably more than one, has mentioned that I look good or my costume is cool. It’s hard not to dwell on a bad comment but honestly look back at the good ones.

This is not my chosen career, therefore I ask myself regularly am I keeping this in perspective? Selling prints, etc is all well and good if you are trying to make a model career or costume career out of it but if not then don’t be offended by it not being something that falls into your lap. It is not my career it is my hobby, if it was I would be at the gym for hours and over a sewing machine, or hiring a workshop. As I do not do this full time I don’t expect a full time span of attention for it. That said I love the idea that my hobby can be a thing I share and love with so may other people, career cosplayer or not.

So in summary, this year I just aim to have even more fun, keep being creative and let the positivity reap it’s own rewards.

Wish me luck!

And here’s a terrible mug shut of me with my super favourite prop at the moment. My Golden Retro Lancer from Gears of War. The lights awful but I hope that if you followed my blog you can see where some of the weight has fallen away 🙂

So what am I here for? Oh an update of a few things. I don’t know if anyone will much read this but I figured it’s a way to note it down and if stumbled upon all the better. I have suffered from anxiety/bi-polar depression since I was a teen. It started with the loss of my hair in small chunks, I had never heard of Alopecia before and the doctors pretty much said that the lot was going to fall out. Now it’s not the end of the world I get that but at 15/16 it pretty much feels that way. I already had a very low opinion of myself thanks to the bullies at school, they seemed to think that it was more important for me to fit in with their thin crowd and make my hair-style like they had than for me to get an education.

When I lost my hair I was in the transition that took me into college, I had no concept of the effects of depression past the experience I had with a cousin of mine who suffered it so badly he was institutionalised. A lot of people think that the closure of the old institutes was this fantastic thing for everyone, that people ‘trapped’ in the system were suddenly let out of this horrific mental asylums and everything was rosy. It wasn’t… my childhood experience of this was to see a man that had full care put in the hands of the state. He was lonely, depressed and he invariably felt such a burden on his own family he committed suicide. I have never truly forgiven the people that did this, and I am sure this story is not mine alone.

I am fascinated by the history of mental asylums, from the grizzly reality of the killer ice-pick lobotomy to the new age drugs. From the people shoved into workhouses, stored in rich family members attics to the average joe that used it as an artistic outlet. I want to understand my disorder because to me it forms an incredibly large part of my life. I am NOT the disorder of depression, but I carry it with me. Lately it seems that more awareness is being brought out about this, I am grateful for those attempts, I think the stigma of being “mental” is not always as funny as I might joke about it to be.

It hurts when people make fly comments like “oh off our meds are we?” Or “maybe those drugs aren’t working”… Drugs are not the only answer to combatting a disorder. They can aid it, they can give you the confidence to feel ready to tackle it but when it all comes down to the base reality two things can help me. Family and Friends, and you as your own person. I’ve been up and down with suicidal thoughts since I was a child and it’s horrid. You hide the reality from people because you don’t want them to worry, or you think they will run for the hills. I guess the harder part is that you fear rejection so greatly you find a way to lie about who you are, and invariably eventually it eats you from inside to out. I am not always “okay” I am quite often anything but, however it’s often easier to say you are.

“Cheer up it’s not that bad.” Is possibly the most annoying, ridiculous thing you can say to me. I KNOW it’s not that bad, trust me. I know there’s a third world out there, I know cancer sufferers, terminal patients and people in far shittier places are out there but my brain has decided it is that bad. I can’t just flip a magical switch and be happy, I don’t want drugs that make me into a dribbling mess or give me a fake smile. I want my emotions to be mine, I want to feel and love, smile and cry. However, the utter flipside to this is the stab in the heart, when you are having a bad time or utterly manic you can’t even claim you are your own person, like a whirlwind you’re brain decides to sweep you around on an adventure and you’re not always a willing participant. I never paid for the ticket that made me a complete cow and I never paid entry to the one that makes me think driving a car into a building is a good idea, another person/entity brought it for me and surprised me with it.

As I write this I am once again reminded of how lucky I was to have had the mom I did, even now I am getting that choking feeling because I miss her so much. My mom was a rock, a legend, a support in everything I did. Loosing my mom was the scariest thing that happened in my life. I didn’t see her everyday when I moved away from home, I rang as often as I could and we talked so much. I lost not just a mom but a best friend. It’s been over four years now, and I still feel like the world was robbed somehow. I love my mom, I wish I could tell her it today still. I guess I can but you know what I mean I am sure. My mom was amazingly understanding and patient, it must be awful as a parent to have a child that goes through that and feel helpless. I would like to say to parents that are feeling that, you are not helpless, just listening and letting your child know that you are there is more support than so many might imagine. Closing doors on people is what makes it harder, so if you’re worried that just saying I love you and you know where I am isn’t enough, it’s probably doing more than you could imagine.

Wow lengthy post I know. However I hope that if even one person stumbled across this and felt less like they were alone with what they go through I think it’s a worthy blog.