Early Expectations

I want to write a blog where I reflect daily about something interesting/bizarre/heart-warming/thought-provoking that happens. I want to write every day. I want each post to be eloquent, insightful, inspiring, funny and honest. I want to show myself.

I’ve started two other blogs with similar expectations (here and here). I set out to change the world, one powerful post at a time. When I struggle to finish posts (and my only reader is my mom) I get discouraged, then distracted, and ultimately my motivation to keep writing disappears.

I watch more tv.

I go on Facebook.

I have daily reflections about interesting/bizarre/heart-warming/thought-provoking things that happen. Sometimes I share them with my friends.

I dream about writing a blog.

The more I dream, the more my expectations become elaborate and specific: I will write every day. It will be eloquent, insightful, inspiring, funny and honest. I will show myself.

When I can’t possibly contain myself any more, I start a blog.

I have a yoga teacher who frequently uses the phrase: “Try to be curious without getting attached to a particular outcome.”

I am the worst at this.

I don’t want to do anything unless I know EXACTLY how it’s going to turn out. I start everything with a long list of outcomes (see above). I rarely venture into the unknown.

As soon as something I’ve started looks different than my initial plan, I want to quit. Turn around. Disengage. Break-Up. Drop-Out.

I miss one day of blogging and it feels like failure.

I sometimes wonder how to differentiate between: setting goals and attaching to expectations; purposeful action and obsessive-compulsion; letting go and giving up. I struggle to balance my desire to be fluid and flexible with my desire to be productive and critical.

Today, I’ll publish this post on my new blog. Tomorrow I’ll judge myself for not having anything important to write. The next day I’ll wonder if I should just give up, and the cycle will continue.

I will use this space to struggle with pushing past my early expectations. To confront things I didn’t anticipate and learn to sit with them, feel them out. I will try to learn, listen and understand.