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Sunday, 14 December 2014

This Shadow Life - Fragility

In the last few days I realised how incredibly fragile I am.
For much of the last year I have been under the impression that I am getting better. I feel strong and indestructible and inexplicable and like the centre of a galaxy swirls within my eyes. I have started feelings better about life. Not all the time, but a lot of the time I feel like I can do this, like I can survive. I'm almost never happy, but sometimes I am, and it feels more real than it used to.
Then, about a week ago something stupid happened. This guy did something mean and inconsiderate (totally unintentionally) when I was driving and it was all I could do to hold myself together. This might seem like an overreaction. It was. It was kind of like the straw that broke the camels back (my sanity being the camels back in this analogy).
I hadn't noticed myself slipping away until that little incident turned the stone walls of my castle into smoke. I crumbled and almost burst into tears. The hopelessness and crushing depression rushed in on me and I was taken completely by surprise, and that's what really shook me. The surprise of being rendered totally helpless to my depression when I felt like I had maybe been gaining some ground.

I guess the poison had been seeping in so slowly that I hadn't noticed. Rotting me from the inside.
This isn't really a new thing. It happens from time to time, but it always manges to take me by surprise. Like I said, I'm not often happy, but some times I feel like I am heading that way. At the very least I now feel at peace with myself most of the time, which is a huge achievement for me.
It makes me feel like I have accomplished something, like I am succeeding at this 'life' thing that has always felt so impossible. Then to have it all dashed away into nothing in an instant is kind of devastating.

I have since managed to pull myself back together. Music helps.
But now I am just wondering how long this new calm will last, and if next time I fall apart is the time when I wont be able to pull myself back together again.

Does anyone else ever experience this, or something like this?
Any tips to help me get by?

2 comments:

Yeah. Meditation always helped me "figure out" these dilemmas. I too have found myself breaking down from several "straws". Somehow I live through it :) life isn't easy. Sometimes we need these hurdles to remind us that life is unpredictable. Be grateful that it was just some douche pulling lanes instead of a drunk driver swerving and doing 100. That's just my 2¢

It's not an impression of getting better, it is getting better. I couldn't tell you how many set backs I had coming out of the depths of hell but now I can't even remember how it felt there. I still have times when I'm down what may be more then others but I also seem to enjoy the happiness that I have more then most so I'll happily except them while working on hopefully putting even them behind me. The incident may be a blessing if you were slipping and not noticing it. I hope you're feeling better now.