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It is comming up on 5 months since dday. I still have a hard time believing her story. Will I ever accept what she tells me? If what she tells me is the truth will the alternative story I have in my head shut off? How much we have both improved and grown in MC and IC I can see us being very happy together. She still has huge guilt and think she always will. Has anyone else had the problem of knowing everything but just couldnt shut off another scenerio in your head?

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2014

needfriendshere♀ 43350Member # 43350

Posted: 3:46 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014

That's the story of my life, crosby33. But, with that said, I love him and really want to believe him. My H has been completely transparent regarding what "they" did together. It is the feelings I imagine he had that he can not articulate, or is simply not totally honest about. I think it is safe to say that, in all of our cases, our thoughts are often our worst enemies.

Hang in there! You are not alone.

(((crosby33)))

Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 561 | Registered: May 2014

Mercilesslynuked♂ 42997Member # 42997

Posted: 4:47 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014

I'm 6 months out and I still have struggles occasionally with this. What I've come to realize is that there will ALWAYS be another question, another doubt, another worry, etc. and that nothing she tells me will comprehensively make me believe it is the truth. Have you considered a polygraph to make sure you have the correct framework, and that you know the major details at least?

With that being said it is still utterly possible they are snowing us badly but if she is truly remorseful and a good portion of you believes you have the major details (whether via polygraph, irrefutable evidence, blind faith, or otherwise) what has helped me from this point is realizing the rest of the little details do not matter anymore, what matters is she had an A.

Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014

Posts: 176 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado

Bookworm428♀ 43612Member # 43612

Posted: 8:27 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014

I agree with Mercilesslynuked. Unfortunately, we'll probably always have another question or think something happened a different way. In my case, my WH did so much TT with me, it's hard for me to believe he's actually told me everything. It's always in the back of my mind that he hasn't. It sucks for sure....

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States

KatieG♀ 41222Member # 41222

Posted: 1:33 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014

I think I would keep digging if you feel unsure - but that's just me. I think rather than have it eating away at you you need to feel as confident as you can that you have the truth. Especially if she is remorseful, get to those details or they will fester.

I had 2 stories in my head, they both had the same events and timings but the thoughts and motivations were different. I outlined both the WBF and he said neither were true - I wasn't there. As time passes he feels differently about events, so to get back to how they were feeling at the time I have to re-read the emails. I don't do that so much anymore and if anything it shows me how far we've come.

There is a difference between I'm not sure I buy it, and the gut screaming, I don't have the whole story. Be sure you know the difference.

Personally it took me a long time to buy that there was truly NC, and was being followed. because in the early R it was broken repeatedly. But that was different than my gut screaming that his snippy attitude, his quick closing of the computer when I approached, the lock on his phone changing.....

What I did when I had these moments, was to focus on who he was being now. Did he really get it. Did he own his decision, was he doing the work to heal himself, us? That was what mattered. Often that unease is our brains way of giving us a check to be sure we are still safe.

Hang in there look at current behaviors and actions, if they are met with anger, upset, rudness, mean comments, then be alert. If she is kind, understanding, and doing the work, then remind yourself this isn't the person that she was when she committed infidelity. It takes a good while before you start to feel safe.