(America music)
(scratching noise)
Herman: Hello, I'm Herman Cain.
The man who been shouting
the number 9 on your TV.
I used to be the CEO of Godfather's.
A restaurant so gross
it made my children hate pizza.
And now I'm running for president
and leading in the Republican polls.
Why?
Because the Tea Party loves crazy
more than they hate black
and I'm crazier than a shit house rat.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'll win this republican nomination
because with your support I can
and will be much crazier.
Cain!
I'm gonna wear flag pants
the size of a fat baby's head.
Cain!
And show off the cool handshake
me and Jesus have been working on
for when he comes back to earth.
Okay!
My alternative energy plan
will be to use illegal
aliens as human batteries.
Like it the matriceesees.
As part of my tough stance on immigration,
Taco Tuesdays will be changed
to Pizza PThurdays.
Cain!
Finally, my vice president nominee
will be a computer programmed
to think like Ronald Reagan.
Computer: Please insert a jellybean
into my USB port.
I run on jellybeans like Ronald Reagan.
Herman: I love you.
Chocolate might be the flavor of the week,
but crazy is the taste
Republicans never tire of.
I want to be your president
because this Cain is able.
And if you give me time
I'll make you a fable.
(rock music)
Voiceover Yelling: Cain,
Cain, Cain, Cain, Cain!
(America music)