Eeeek! Isaac!

E! Entertainment Television debuted its new red-carpet squad Monday night for the Golden Globes, with Ryan Seacrest playing the pissy host, Debbie Matenopoulos on hand for erroneous info, Giuliana DePandi swooning over George Clooney and Isaac Mizrahi as the dirty uncle. The glitches were bad enough: Some actor would be mid-answer when E! would jarringly cut back to Seacrest, or they’d all just talk over one another, while the “exclusive” Desperate Housewives gossip Matenopoulos and Seacrest boasted about — that Nicolette Sheridan had decided to “blow off her castmates” by not attending the Globes — proved to be embarrassingly wrong. (Um, she was presenting an award, folks. Couldn’t you check that out?) What entered the realm of the uncomfortable, though, was designer-turned-TV-hack Mizrahi asking nearly every female star if she was wearing underwear. The fact that he didn’t ask the panty question of close friend Sarah Jessica Parker — or anything similarly lowbrow of the male stars — indicated he knew it was stupid, unfunny and tasteless. He also demanded to know the grooming status of Eva Longoria’s pubic hair, reprimanded Charlize Theron for playing “scary dykes with no teeth,” and tucked a finger into Teri Hatcher’s bustline and pulled it open to peer inside. But his most amazingly outrageous stunt? He felt up Scarlett Johansson, declaring, “I touched Scarlett’s boobs! I touched Scarlett’s boobs!” When George Clooney didn’t get an ass-pinch, the totality of Mizrahi’s female-directed assaultiveness became creepier. If Joan Rivers has taught us anything, the way to humiliate a decked-out star on his or her big night is to mispronounce the name, get the name of the show or movie wrong, ignore the date, and then make a fashion crack. Now that Rivers has moved to the floating TV Guide channel, there’s got to be some other acceptable form of celebrity molestation for E! between Star Jones kissing ass and Mizrahi copping a feel.

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