Somali government designates September 19th "Don't Talk Like a Pirate Day"

Addressing growing concerns among ordinary Somalis that they now have little or no say when it comes to participating in the annual twat-fest that is 'International Talk Like a Pirate Day', the country's coalition government has decreed that from now on September 19th will be the day on which the nation's long-suffering population can talk like "anything or anyone they please, as long as it's not a pirate".

"Whether they scream the recipes of Delia Smith from their rooftops or simply impersonate a euphonium for the day, this is all about giving choice to our people," prime minister Abdiweli Mohamed Ali told gathered media at a news conference held to announce the new government initiative. "When one pauses to think, ordinary Somalis find themselves talking like a pirate every single day of the year simply by opening their mouths and speaking. Now we are able to offer them, just for one day, the opportunity to say things a pirate would never say in ways a pirate would never say them."

"This is excellent news for me and my family," remarked dentist Guleed Omar Awaale from his home in Mogadishu. "On top of all the terrible suffering my people have endured for many generations, every year we are seen by the whole world to be taking part in this stupid, idiotic idea from America. As a proud Somali I must regain my dignity. That is why on September 19th I will be talking like Larry Grayson. Shut that door."

John Baur, co-creator of the wearisome non-event that was funny for about five minutes back in 2002, was keen to point out that, despite today's news, 2012 is shaping up to be a bumper year for like-a-pirate talking across the world, citing in particular a marked increase in enrolments for Somali language classes across the US, along with a more general increase in group-based fatuousness in western countries over the last decade or so.

"There's no way those two things aren't connected," Bauer stated emphatically.

He was also keen to tell departing journalists his favourite joke, again..