Tag Archives: My So Called Life

2013 proved to be a lot more hectic than we anticipated, and we didn’t get to update as much as we would have liked to. However, Kolleen got a new laptop and completed grad school, and Letty got a tattoo and went to Mexico! So at least we accomplished something.

Anyway, our resolution is to get this blog back on track, which means new reviews on old shows, the return of My So Called Mondays, new contests, and a lot of pining over Cook, Craig, and I guess any other teen heart-throbs with a name that begins with “C”!

If you have any suggestions regarding shows you’d like us to tackle, let us know in the comments, and don’t forget to like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

-Kolleen & Letty

P.S. Did anyone watch those weird Skins episodes, “Fire”, “Pure”, and “Rise”? We didn’t yet, and we feel…unsure.

All right, all right. It’s been a million years since we’ve posted and we promised that we’d have a new recap up on numerous occasions, but what can we say? We are lazy liars. SBT. It is cruel to have such a lengthy break between Degrassi recaps, especially when Craig is so damn close.

But never fear, my friends. We are back. I will finish up recapping episode 14 (a fairly wretched Sean ep.) and will have it for your snarking consumption by tomorrow evening. Also, word on the street is that Kolleen has a new Skins recap coming soon. PLUS, My So Called Mondays will be making a triumphant return.

Hey y’all! Thanks for submitting to our MORTIFYING MARCH contest. We had a great response and one horrifying story that was deemed the winner by myself and Letty. The winner will receive a mystery box, and when I actually put it together I’ll post a pic on our Facebook page. Anyway, here we go. We even submitted our own stories because we’re fearless. The winner is posted last, because it’s the best.

A says:

I went on a couple dates with this guy and we decided to seal the deal, so I grabbed a condom. This guy was abnormally small in stature but so am I, so I figured it might work. I pulled down his boxers and I felt like I was about to change a baby’s diaper. IT was so small. I gave him a chance though, and we started to do it. We went to change positions and his dick just came out of the condom and the condom just stayed inside me. He blamed it on me being too small to handle him, then asked me out again the next day like nothing happened!

Another A, who is a brave sort, sent us a picture with her submission!

When I was in 7th grade for whatever reason these platform type shoes were in style. I think it was a 70s revival flashback style courtesy of D*Lite or something (groove IS in the heart). So I was chubby and awkward and I was so lucky to wear a size 6 shoe. Anyone who knows about shoe stores knows they typically use size 6 as the display size– so I found this bitchin’ pair of white platform shoes and took them from the display and proudly put them on my feet– that is, until my top heavy-ness toppled me to the ground. I not only fell– right there in the middle of Bakker shoes, but I also took two whole display cases with me. Imagine my horror when I looked up from the shoetastrophe to see 3 of the most popular girls in school standing there, mouths agape.

I ran out of that store faster than you’d ever seen me run anywhere. This is why I still refuse to wear high heels. 😦

The dream of the 90s is alive in this picture

Here’s Kolleen’s story:

It’s hard for me to think of an embarrassing story because I’m pretty perfect in every way. But once, back in 2000, I was hanging out with a really good friend of mine and I was trying to act as though I had a lot of movie knowledge (he’s a big movie guy). So he suggested we watch Sling Blade which I had never seen. Now you have to think that in 2000 Billy Bob Thornton was married to Angelina Jolie and they were both very heroin chic at the time.

So we watched Sling Blade and when the movie ended I turned to my friend and said, “I thought Billy Bob Thornton was in this movie.” And he looked at me like I was the biggest idiot. Because, if you don’t k now, BILLY BOB THORNTON IS IN LITERALLY EVERY SCENE OF THE MOVIE. He was just fatter back then. Oh god, I never lived it down. It embarrasses me to this day.

I reckon you’re not very bright

Here is Letty’s tale of woe:

Guh, I have so many embarrassing stories, because I am a beautiful, beautiful fuck up, but this is one of my favorites. When I was junior in high school, I was painfully in love with this soccer player named Ryan. I was a trainer, so that meant that I went to all the soccer games, and wrapped ankles and gave water when needed and shit. I used to love watching Ryan play, he was so dreamy, and looked like a stallion when he ran up and down the field. I would have cut off my left tit just to hold his hand. So I did what any reasonable 16 year old girl would do, I resorted to magic.

I bought the Little Book of Love Spells and I was convinced that I could charm this popular senior, stud of a boy into falling in love with me. I waited until the moon was right, and performed my spell. To complete the spell, I had to give the object of my affection a shell to symbolize my womanhood or something. It took me FOREVER to find a shell in my house, even though we went to the beach all the time. But I finally found a tiny white shell and I was ready for him to fall in love.

The next day after soccer practice I nervously approached him in the training room while he was icing his knee. He was a captive audience! I gave him my best braces filled smiled and told him how great I thought he’d been doing on the field and some other sad, awkward ramblings that I have blocked from my memory. He seem unimpressed. Then I told him that I had a little something for him for good luck and I placed the shell in his hand. With barely even a glance, he chunked the shell as hard as he possibly could across the room. I stood there with my mouth hanging open for a second before I screeched, “Why did you do that, it was a shell!” He said, “Oh, I thought it was a piece of chewed gum.” Needless to say, we didn’t make a love connection as I was too embarrassed to ever talk to him again. But that’s okay, I looked him up on Facebook recently and he is totally fat now.

And now… THE WINNER of our MORTIFYING MARCH CONTEST!

L says:

I used to be a dancer at a fully nude strip club. Classy, I know. It is my firm belief that if most strip club patrons spent a minute behind the scenes in the dressing room, they’d never be able to be aroused by a stripper again. All sorts of decidedly non-demure things happen there: girls squatting down to carefully trim their tampon strings, sharing gross stories (“I was giving this guy a private dance and I had to fart SO bad … eventually I just had to pull this move where I got up and twirled away, then blasted one in the opposite direction and hoped he couldn’t smell it.”), bending over and spreading ‘em in front of a mirror to make sure nothing undesirable is clinging to their lady bits … it can get pretty ugly.

Anyway, one day I was dancing on stage and these two guys kept giggling and whispering to each other. I was annoyed, but managed to ignore them. One can only expect so much maturity in an establishment where women flash their hoo-hahs for crinkled dollar bills. After I got off stage, it occurred to me: I had forgotten to do my mirror-check. Holding my breath, I positioned my back to the mirror, bent over and looked back. Sure enough I discovered that, while I had been rolling around on stage, seductively stretching my legs apart and giving my best “come hither” stare, there had been (glowing brightly beneath the black lights) a thin shred of toilet paper pasted to my vag.

And there you have it folks! Thank you L for your horrifying story. Thank you all for submitting! We really appreciate all of our readers! Look for pictures of our awesome prize box on our Facebook page. We will be having more contests as the year goes on. Stay tuned for some long overdue updates!

Hey all! And welcome back, us! Things have been busy lately for everyone, but I thought I’d try to get back into the swing of things with a “My So-Called Mondays” post. Today we have episode 3 to contend with, and it’s about a gun going off in school. Remember, this is pre- Columbine, so weaponry and bullying wasn’t that big of a deal.

We open on a JFK speech, and Angela lamenting over how annoying parents are that they remember where they were when President Kennedy was shot. Well I’ll tell you, Angie, I know exactly where I was when Kurt Cobain was found dead, so just shut your fool mouth. She complains that she’s never been around anything important enough to remember, then goes into how Brian Krakow has to fart a lot… I don’t know. Brian gets a hall pass and sees Rickie struggling with someone (Tino maybe?!).

~DRAMA~

A note is being passed around the class and everyone reads it and looks at Angela in a mocking way. When Rayanne gets the note she guffaws and hands it to Angela. She reads it and gets ~that look~ when suddenly BLAMMO! A gunshot. Brian sticks his head out of the bathroom to see the trench coated man running (maybe this is where the Trench Coat Mafia idea originated?) and Rickie running the opposite way. A locker has been shot and is leaking what looks like whiskey. A gun is on the ground. (Side note: it was Pepsi that got shot and the owner of said Pepsi is PISSED).

Angela can’t be bothered with school shootings and lock downs or whatever because LOOK WHAT THIS NOTE SAYS:

OH EM GEE

SCANDALOUS.

Rayanne says there are 50 guns at school at any given moment so it really is NBD that a Pepsi can was murdered in cold blood during Social Studies. Angela is horrified that people are writing that she’s a whore. Rayanne and Rickie tease Angela about not being a whore. Can she even win? Girl when I was in high school I just OWNED being slutty. Who cares?

At home, Patty sqwaks about how horrible it is that Angela could have been killed at school. Of course she makes something as serious as a school shooting into something comletely annoying. Graham should have banged that other lady. Luckily he’s the voice of reason and reminds Patty that they can’t protect their little snowflake. Of course, post dinner, Patty is STILL harping about taking Angela out of public school. Like private school would be any better? Doubt it.

In gym class the next day all the guys are practicing layups and staring at Angela like she might blow them right there on the court. Gross. I hate the way basketball courts smell– like sneakers and wax and uselessness. Angela and Rayanne have a four hour convo about what one guy’s “Hi” meant. These girls are vapid, but I’m glad Rayanne is in class.

“‘Sup, WHORE”

In the hall Rayanne talks up ~*Jordan Catalano*~ about the shooting, and Angela gets green with envy. Turning, she sees Rickie being pushed around. I love Rickie. I would have gone over there and freaked but of course Angela just looks at him, slack jawed and dead eyed. Rayanne confronts JC about the Angela rumors, and he insists nothing happened. I detect jealousy on her end too. This is deep, man.

Meanwhile, in Dorksville, everyone seems to think Brian chased down the gunman or jumped in front of the bullet, saving the Pepsi can’s life. Before Brian can convince anyone otherwise he is summoned to the principal’s office. The principal is super impressed with how Brian is a genius and will probably be the valedictorian when they graduate. So of course he thinks he’s going to spill the beans about the shooting. It’s awesome because the principal asks Brian why he was in the bathroom. Kid had to poop, man, leave him alone.He even asks him if he had to poop or piss. My stranger danger radar is just going off like crazy. Then he gets all threatening, saying he waould hate to see Brian suffer because he was protecting someone. What a creep.

Now we’re in a PTA meeting and everyone is all pissed off about the gun. They have counseling in place but that’s not good enough, dammit. Rayanne’s mom is there, all upset that nothing is being done!!! This is Rayanne’s mom, the woman who is never home, and the crowd LOVES her. Patty really respects her and wishes she could be as awesome as Mrs. Rayanne. Then Mrs. Rayanne lets it slide that Angela and Jordan Catalano are a hot item and you could tell that Patty is super jealous that Angela doesn’t tell her anything. She goes home and complains to Graham, who should just murder her for being annoying as hell. Angela comes into the kitchen and she confronts her about JC. Angela is very stand- offish. She says she barely knows Jordan, let alone has given him her girlhood.

In some class (who even knows?) the teacher is talking about fear and how the students have a right to go to school without being pestered. Some jock is making “suck me beautiful” eyes at Angela, some girl is making “Protect me, curly-head” eyes at Brian, and suddenly Rickie lashes out at the teacher, reminding him that sometimes people are VICTIMS and they might have guns to protect themselves. True shiz, Rickie!

The jock guy passes Angela a note which obviously says “Let’s ditch these zeros and get naked in the boiler room”, and it upsets her so much she runs out of the class.By the way, this note was passed RIGHT IN FRONT OF RICKIE which means the teacher probably saw it. Give me a break.

In counseling, that crazy bitch is still complaining about her soda, and how she had really wanted it. RIP Pepsi and all that, but it’s time to move on. Rayanne is pretending to be traumatized so she can get some time off school. The principal is still harassing Brian into telling him what he saw. Angela turns therapy into something about the rumors about her…. then the Cranberries start playing. I HATE THE CRANBERRIES. At home, Patty tries to talk to Angela about condoms and Angela is horrified. She admits she probably won’t have sex in a long time because she is schizophrenic about her sexuality. And the music swells~~~.

At school AGAIN Angela is busy looking at a poster about the Heimlich maneuver and Jordan waltzes up to her and regales her with a fascinating anecdote about his uncle who choked on a chicken bone once. “And just like that, the change happened,” Angela’s VO tells us. I know when I fell in love with my husband it was during a serious talk about how to fashion a tourniquet. He says since people are saying they did it, it’s a shame they haven’t and maybe they just should. What a smooth talker. “No pressure, just think about it,” he says. Man how can she keep her hands off?!

In the bathroom Angela overhears Sharon saying that Brian is the one who is telling everyone she banged Jordan. Why would he lie, Sharon says? BECAUSE HE’S AN ASSHOLE, SHARON. Jesus.

The principal wants Brian to tell him everything he knows about Rickie. Angela wants to punch Brian for several reasons. Brian tries to turn it around and make it Angela’s fault. Basically Brian is in love with Angela and too much of a wuss to just say it. In the hall, Jordan apologizes to Angela for his indecent proposal. He tells her he’ll let everyone know he doesn’t want to bang her. Such a charmer.

“I’ll just tell everyone you’re a lesbian, that’ll work!”

Outside, Rickie and Angela have a heart to heart. He tells her he’s jealous of her perfect life and admits he didn’t have a gun but wants people to think he did so they’ll leave him alone. The real story? His cousin brought it to school to sell, they got in a fight, the cousin dropped it, setting it off, and the cousin then peed his pants and ran away. They LOL all over the place. Then she reminds him that Brian is going to say Rickie had the gun and he’s gonna get expelled and arrested! Rickie tells Angela he feels that she thinks of him as nothing at all, but she hugs him to show her true feelings.

Brian gets called in to the principal AGAIN, this time with cops. Everyone is hovering outside and Rayanne tells Angela how much she gets off on gossip and rumors. Brian tells the principal and the cops that he’s been thinking about how protecting the school is the best thing, and then says he heard a scuffle, heard the gun go off, and then pulls a 180 and says he won’t stand for any more harassment!! He’ll sue the pants off the school if they threaten his permanent record again! GO BRIAN! I totally would smash him at this point.

The next day at school everyone is nodding and smiling at each other like biffles until they see that metal detectors have been implemented at the doors. It ends on this weird downer of a scene. PS everyone goes through them with no trouble– no one has keys on them? Okay.Jesus, what a chore this episode was. It reminds me of that week- long Punky Brewster arc in which Punky has to live in a bunch of foster homes. I always hated that week of BS. Anyway, that was yet another crazy incident in the teenage existence of Angela Chase. Join me next Monday, when she hopefully grows a pair and bangs Jordan in his car.

Letty: The Cranberries are a great band! I sing “Linger” to my cats all the time.

Kolleen: Hey everyone! I hope this post is a sign that I’m back into the swing of things. Summer is winding down and things will be a little less crazy. Let’s get into episode 2 of MSCL, “Dancing In the Dark”, which is of course NOT the best Springsteen song ever (that would be “I’m On Fire”).

We open in class, where a bored Angela is ignoring a video about the vastness of the cosmos! She’s too busy lusting after the 3 boys who have kissed her IRL. One was a camp counselor who already had a girlfriend (Angela is a hussy!), one was an usher at a relative’s wedding who had kissed her because he lost a bet (harsh), and the last was a lifeguard who gave her CPR on Labor Day. Um, hello, if you’re half dead it isn’t a kiss.

Angela has never had a boyfriend. This is obvious because when JC walks buy she loses all motor control and starts talking like Rain Man.

In science it’s pig heart dissection time! Angela is sitting next to Brian and she and Sharon keep playing the “I’m looking at you but not really” game. I hate passive- aggressive behavior. Science is not the time to play “I don’t want to say how I feel so please read my mind.”

At home, Patty and Graham get into a fight because even though she’s his boss and they’ll see each other in 40 minutes, she wants a goodbye kiss, dammit. Patty has a lisp that, much like Scully’s from the X-Files, only comes out every so often. I really noticed it here. He kisses her but you know it’s just to shut her up.

It must be lunch time or class skipping time or whatever because Rayanne is beating the hell out of a fruit vending machine. Jordan comes by and asks how much money she lost and she says “none”. THIS is why I love Rayanne. She flies by the seat of her pants– why have the foresight to bring 50 cents to school for an apple when you can just beat the snot out of the machine? She asks Jordan if he can make Angela a fake ID ASAP and when he asks why Angela didn’t ask him herself, Rayanne says, “It’s a long story. She’s French.”

This is Jordan’s “woah” face

Rayanne gets Angela to bust out of class and Sharon is so disgusted with her, like it’s a mortal sin to skip a pig heart massacre. She’s even MORE disgusted when Brian covers for her. Jelly much, Sharon? You’re just bitter because you’re not awesome. Sharon and Brian get in a tiff and I think it’s because they want to bone each other. Real Talk: I totally WOULD Brian Krakow.

Angela is horrified that Rayanne went behind her back to get her an id from ~Jordan~. Of course she still wants to know everything he said. While she and Rayanne and Rickie are girl- talking Brian comes over to give Angela a hard time about ditching him. Angela’s VO says she hates when people who know you in different ways all cross paths, because you have to create a combination “you”. That’s so true, you guys. I felt this way at BOTH of my weddings. It’s weird to have friends in different circles all congregate in one area. It’s so much harder, of course, when you’re a teen. Brian demands Angela help him work on his apparatus. What a loveable dork.

Rayanne and Rickie come up with an idea that Angela hangs with Brian at his house, and they’ll drag Jordan to Brian’s and maybe they can do it on his bed or something. Rayanne assures Angela that “part of Jordan has part of Angela on his mind, probably”. She must feel great, knowing that. Angela laments having to obsess while Jordan can have “other things on his mind”. If you’ve seen this show, you know nothing is going on in Jordan’s mind.

Meanwhile Patty and Sharon’s mom are talking about the distance that has come between their two daughters. We find out they were BFFs too, so this Angela- Sharon friendship was obviously one of force. Patty considers cutting her hair short. SNOOZE. Men like long hair and and girls that wear red, but also variety. This is what parents go through? I assure you I am a parent and I do not have these sorts of awful conversations with my friends. They actually compare JANE SEYMOUR’s hair to her success. Then Camille (that’s Sharon’s mom’s name) suggests ballroom dancing to spice up the romance. If my life ever comes to this, please murder my face.

Graham’s younger brother Neil comes over to scrounge a dinner off of the family, they all make fun of Patty, and then he tells Graham he thinks their marriage is perfect. What an odd world these people live in. Then Graham really aggressively says he wants to do ballroom dancing after all. Angela eavesdrops on her parents and to her surprise they think she’s crushing on Brian Krakow. Amazing. They weren’t going to let her go to his house because it’s a school night, but since it’s next door they relent and tell her to be home by 9:30.

Angela is so excited she starts making out with herself in the mirror. Can we all take a moment to notice her Caboodle? I loved my Caboodle.

I bet the whole upper tray is a collection of Lip Smackers

Angela gets to Brian’s and he is all annoyed by her lack of scientific knowledge. She tells him R-squared are coming over to bring her something and he scoffs at her. SCOFFS.

Does Graham like it? His response: “Oh hey, it’s short!” File those divorce papers ASAP, Pats. The lesson begins, and they SUCK at ballroom dancing. The teacher basically makes fun of them to their faces. Their evaluation is that they rush and should be dancing with other people. Patty balks but Graham is like OH HELL YES. Then they embarrassingly fight in front of the instructor.

Rickie and Rayanne show up at Brian’s with Jordan, who causally mentions he may start a band with Tino called “Frozen Embryos”. Oh that Tino. Where is he? I want to see him. Angela has a meltdown over saying hello to him. She dwells on the fact that maybe she just wants an idea of Jordan and Rayanne tells her to shut up because the heart wants what the heart wants. Only she says it in a way that implies that Angela has a secret slut hiding in her soul. Angela goes out and gets in Jordan’s car. She thinks their having an intense moment when he hands her the fake ID. But! Then he kisses her and she pushes him away and he says “whatever”. BUT THEN IT HAPPENS AGAIN. She tells him he has to work up to kissing (?!)! Girl, just give him a handy and get on your way. He says she acts younger than 15 and talks too much. WOW, WHAT A DREAMBOAT. Or a possible sexual deviant. Whatever.

Rayanne and Rickie ask Brian all these questions about his weird mouse-experiment that proves mice can create pressure with their breaths or something, and he gets really annoyed. Rayanne asks him what the point is and he rambles off a bunch of science jargon which makes me think even he doesn’t know. Finally, he concedes that its for extra credit.

Back at the house, Neil and Graham have a heart to heart and Graham tells him he met someone. She hates him because she is so obsessed with him. They haven’t banged or anything but it may happen. He’s supposed to meet her at a motel tomorrow! Neil is anxious because if they get a divorce he won’t have anywhere to go for the holidays.

Brian finds Angela alone outside and she buggers off. Jordan pulls back up and asks Brian if Tino is there– what? Brian finds Angela’s ID which says she was born yesterday, not 21 years ago. What an idiot, that Jordan. He asks Brian is Angela is from France. I mean really. Brian gives Angela her ID back and she says she won’t take the extra credit.

Of course we have yet another scene of Patty and Graham fighting. They are drifting apart. She wants to know why they can’t even dance together and he says, basically, that she sucks. She then, in a fit of maturity, smashes her beloved Cinderella porcelain doll that her dad gave her. Smooth move, idiot. Somehow, this turns Graham on and they do it.

Post- coitus, Graham pours himself some Sunny D and heats up some spaghetti for Angela. He thinks she went on a date with Brian. Gross! He tells Angela teenage guys don’t have a grasp on talking to teenage girls. Patty comes down and ruins a tender father- daughter moment. So lame. Graham sends them upstairs and then calls his easy lover and tells her he can’t bang her afterall. Angela overhears. DRAMA.

So that’s basically it. I hope Angela and Jordan make out soon, the pressure is killing me! Thoughts?

Letty: I would have given Jordan a Western Style handjob in his car with no hesitation. Angela needs to experience the exquisite blend of pleasure and regret that comes from teenage sexual encounters.

Kolleen: Hey everyone! Due to a head cold I will not be reviewing MSCL this week. Tune in next week when I tackle episode 2. Until then I will be overdosing on allergy medication and falling asleep at work! Thanks!

Letty: I am also swamped this week with out of town guests and my son turning one and all. I will be back on that Dawson Train in no time.

Kolleen: Here’s a confession: I have never seen the last two episodes of My So- Called Life (MSCL from here on out). I don’t know why; the universe just didn’t want it to happen that way. So here I am, recapping all 19 episodes of this short lived teen drama for your enjoyment but also for my sense of completion. Let’s approach this as if I’ve never seen an episode, shall we?

We open with two girls begging for change. They must be drunk, right? Squeegee kids? Drug addicted and looking to score?

An innocent blonde Angela Chase and a slutty, awesome Rayanne Graff

No, these two girls are Angela Chase (Claire Danes) and Rayanne Graff (AJ Langer, who was great in The People Under The Stairs), just being their wacky selves!

In a voice-over (VO), Angela tells us that she started hanging out with Rayanne “just because she would like die or something if she didn’t” and about how things are hard because people expect things of you when you’re a teen. I mean boys have it so easy because GIRLS have to pretend to not notice them noticing you (I never had this problem. I was more of a “Rayanne” in high school, if you know what I mean). And why can’t cheerleaders cheer to themselves? Man, being a teen is HARD. At school Angela is pointedly ignoring her rambling, doddering fool of a friend Sharon (Devon Odessa) while watching longingly as Rayanne skips school– she’s literally skipping away– with her friend Enrique “Rickie” Vasquez (Wilson Cruz). “High school is a battlefield… for your heart,” Angela tells us. Girl, aint it the truth.

So, when Rayanne told Angela her stupid blonde hair was holding her back, she just HAD to run and dye it red (which looks way better). Of course, Angela’s mom Patty (Beth Armstrong) is LESS THAN THRILLED. She is also less than thrilled with Angela’s new cool friends. She gives them some cheese and just leaves them there, which is mortifying for Angela. Cheese, mom? Really?

This woman wouldn’t know fun if it was on her fork.

Angela says that lately she hasn’t been able to look at her mother without wanting to stab her. I hate to break it to you kiddo, but that feeling never goes away. Patty is that passive- aggressive kind of mother that says things like “Well at least we’ll be able to spot you in a crowd”. My mother says stuff like this too– “You USED to be so beautiful until you got all those tattoos.” It’s obviously jealousy.

Angela’s dad Graham (Tom Irwin) is also a bumbling fool who can’t deal with looking at his daughter in a towel because she has boobs now and he thinks Anne Frank is a sophomore in high school too. I actually really can relate to this weird father- daughter awkwardness too. Am I Angela Chase? My dad thought I was a virgin until probably last year, and I have an 8 year old. Of course Patty thinks Angela dyed her hair to get her to react and maybe not, you know, wanting autonomy or whatever. Patty sure is full of herself.

OMG YOU GUYS. Angela is in love. His name is *~ Jordan Catalano~* (Jared Leto, like I have to tell you) and he was held back TWICE. He’s always closing his eyes like it hurts to look at things. Let’s have a gander at this stud.

Oh Jordan, you illiterate jumble of angst and hormones

Oh god. He’s so good looking. Rayanne can immediately tell Angela wants to do the deed with the Jster. Angela says she likes how he leans on things. I get it, I really do. Rayanne tells her the JC is going to be at this party later. Something to think about anyway. Maybe they can lean on the counter top and eat ranch dip together.

Sharon can not BELIEVE that Angela would dye her hair without consulting her first. Poor girl doesn’t know when she’s been replaced. In yearbook class, Angela’s VO complains that her parents ask her how school is going and compares school to a drive- by shooting. Bear in mind this is pre- Columbine, so you could say stuff like that and no one would really get offended. We see a really goofy-haired kid taking pictures– this kid is Brian Krakow (Devon Gummersall), and he looks JUST LIKE this kid Bruce I was friends with growing up. Angela has a total breakdown in yearbook class and says she doesn’t want to even be on the yearbook!

In the bathroom, Rayanne keeps pressuring Angela to go to “Tino’s party and make a move on Jordan. We notice, as viewers, that Rickie also uses the girl’s bathroom. He’s bisexual (or gay… I remember him being gay but Wikipedia says he’s bi) and he is applying eyeliner better than I could ever dream. Stereotypes aside, I wish to god I had a gay friend like Rickie in high school. Angela is worried she is being foolish about Jordan, and Rayanne states that she never gets hung up on guys so she wouldn’t know. The second bell rings and Angela rushes off to class and Rayanne and Rickie just sit there, cool and dejected, not giving an eff if they’re late. Angela is such a noob to this being cool stuff.

I can’t even. He’s just so cool.

We’re treated to a montage of Brian answering all the questions because he is apparently the only one who cares about school.

“My curls are the source of my intelligence!”

But when the teacher asks the class how they would describe Anne Frank, Angela says “Lucky”. And everyone is aghast! Instead of using this opportunity to say something really amazing about how she was lucky enough to value life and realize how important family and faith and nobility in the face of adversity is, she mumbles that Anne Frank was lucky because she was trapped in an attic with a guy she really liked. Oh, Angela, no.

Angela and her dad have a talk about how her mom is kind of a bitch, and then Angela lies about an extra-credit play rehearsal so she can go to Tino’s and obviously make out with Jordan Catalano. At the party some horrible 90s rock plays and chaos ensues. Angela finds herself in a room with Jordan and flails around like the most obvious person on Earth. Steady, girl. They have a conversation about what day it is (it’s Thursday), and Jordan leaves with friends.

Meanwhile at home Patty and Graham fight over whom Angela loves more. Let’s face it, I’d love Graham more too. He’s not a complete nutbag. Angela comes home looking like she got raped (I’m not being poetic here, she looks like someone attacked her) and instead of showing concern Patty yells at her.

“Oh, hi, I got mugged and raped AND hit by a car but I’M SO SORRY IT’S A SCHOOL NIGHT.”

The next day school, Rayanne tells Angela a rave is happening TONIGHT and Jordan Catalano will be there! Tino can DEFINITELY get them in. Is Tino the Heather Sinclair of MSCL? Unless I’m not paying attention, I’ve yet to see him. Rayanne says she will lend Angela an outfit so she can look tough, because once, someone set fire to her hair at this particular venue. Sharon confronts Angela in the bathroom and says Rayanne is using her, and wants to know why she got dropped like a hot potato. They have a cry and Sharon tells her she HATES the red hair. What a bitch! No wonder Angela outgrew her.

Patty wants to hang out with the fam but everyone has something better to do. Angela’s baby sister Danielle wants to watch a movie about obscene phone calls, Graham wants to play pool, and Angela obviously wants to go to “Rayanne’s”, but Patty is pulling that “I don’t know her parents” crap. She refers to Rickie as “confusing” which to me means she’s a huge homophobe. God, what a horrible woman. She doesn’t believe that he can be bisexual because he’s in high school. After some bickering Patty stops caring and I assume she goes into the pantry to drink cooking sherry.

Outside, Brian rides around on his bicycle and taunts Angela. He calls her stupid. Way to get the girl, Brian. He should write a book on how to woo the neighbor girl, by calling her an idiot.

This is my friend Bruce from childhood! UNCANNY.

Outside the club, Tino doesn’t show up (natch), Rayanne gets drunk and gets harassed by older men (and she’s totally okay with leaving Rickie alone, which is foreshadowing as to how shitty of a friend she’s going to be) and then as the older man is manhandling her Angela reflects on how something is finally happening, but it’s too “actual” for her. Rayanne throws her alcohol bottle at the creep, Rickie informs Angela that Rayanne blacks out when she drinks, and takes off when a cop approaches them. As the cop is putting Angela and Rayanne into his car, who shows up? No, not Tino. JORDAN CATALANO. He says “Hey, I know that girl! Angela!” WORTH GETTING ARRESTED. Rayanne tells Angela, drunkenly, that she’ll always be there for her. No one is home at Rayanne’s. Typical.

As the cop and Angela pull up to her house (where Brian is sitting, creepily in a tree, reading by flashlight– this kid is the next John Wayne Gacy), they have an intense conversation about Anne Frank, and about how in hiding she was finally free (makes sense, in a way). The cop makes Brian walk Angela to the door (I guess it’s okay to be reading books in trees at 1 am or whatever). As she’s walking with him she sees her father talking to a woman who is NOT her mother. Looks like he may be getting some action on the side. I hope, for his sake. “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. starts playing. Brian tells Angela the theme for the yearbook is “The Year 2000”, and she says that’s a pathetic theme. She is right.

Angela goes inside, takes off her makeup, gets in some comfies, She goes to talk to her mom and tells us her mother was adopted. She apologizes to her mom for being a horrible kid or something, and they have a cryfest. Claire Danes makes a stupid crying face where she does this weird chin thing. She does it in every movie she’s in. It’s annoying.

On Monday, Jordan and Angela have another 45 second conversation and the episode ends with her smiling. Will the whole school year be this roller- coaster of emotions and experiences? I hope so! Next Monday I will explore episode 2 of this riveting teen drama. See you folks then.

Letty: I never really cared for Angela Chase, I am right there with you on the cry face thing. I also think I was incredibly jealous of her. I didn’t think she was fit enough for the radiant ~ Jordan Catalano~. When this show first aired I was 12 and I remember him taking my breath away. He was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen in my entire life. ::SIGH:: Not a day goes by where I don’t lament how much of a giant douchebag Jared Leto turned out to be.