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1.31.2010

1.28.2010

That's just how I felt when I realized I would soon be a mom. "No, no no!! This is not what I wanted!" I was resisting. It was difficult to accept. Knowing that my life, as I knew it, would soon be ruled by a life that needed my attention constantly or it would not survive. I was selfish. I was angry. I was not ready to put my desires aside for something else.

But now that I've moved on from those feelings, a deep, bubbling feeling is rising inside of me. Excitement. I am absolutely, completely, totally STOKED to be a mom. I am now kicking and squirming, waiting for the day that I get to hold this child and have the amazing opportunity to grow and nurture it to love Jesus and understand the world around him or her. The concept of being a mother sounds totally thrilling to me and I am brimming with anticipation for the day that I get to begin that journey.

Which brings me to the third kind of kicking going on in my life. I felt our baby move in my tummy last Friday and ever since, it's been kicking and squirming up a storm! I have never felt anything like this. Not only does it feel physically weird, but every time I am reminded of that little life inside of me, I am filled with an overwhelming love for everything good in this world. I become filled with such joy and thankfulness for everything in my silly little life that I can't even think straight. Knowing that God gave us this child because He trusts us to raise it well is mind-boggling.

Well, there's a lot I could say. Ever since this Man walked into my life, things have never been the same. I could say this about my husband, yes, but more than anything I'm talking about the One who saved me and brought me new life. Ever since I began taking direction from Him, things have been completely out of my hands and it is obvious to me that I am living a life that does not only belong to me.

And you know what? I like it that way.

It keeps my ego in check, my pride in a cage and my expectations next to nothing. Any time I try to plan out the next stage in my life, I am forced to understand that it's not my life. And even though things don't always (ever) work out the way I had planned, I end up being blessed beyond my wildest dreams. So why not give up my life if it's just going to be better than I could have ever tried to make it? Sounds pretty simple to me.

Yes, I had planned to finish film school. I had planned to start out my life in the film industry as a married woman without the strains of children clawing at my ankles for attention. I had planned to live in sunny California indefinitely where I could take a ten minute drive to the beach whenever I felt like it.

Then this happened:

We're moving back to Washington. We're going to return to the rain, clouds, grey and traffic. We're also returning to family, friends, community, Mars Hill, teriyaki food, a home of our own and a place of opportunity - the opportunity to strengthen strained relationships. This, above all, makes coming back completely worth it.

And you know what? I never even drive to the ocean when I feel like it anyway.