When I saw my doctor in January for a routine visit I told her that see would be seeing less of me the next time I came in. Well, I gained a little and finally decided to get with it 2 weeks ago and today I finally have seen proof on the scales that following the SP menu planner does work if one stays with it. I have lost 5 pounds this month and plan to continue. Thanks to everyone for their encouraging words.

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. ~Anne Frank

encouragement, I guess I would say that no one is going to do this for us and cant. we have to be responsible for our new way of eating. others have their way and we know our way is the best for a healthy life. we are on the right road. keep up through the good days and through the bad ones. just push through and we can do any thing we set our mines to. life throws curve balls but we just get back on the horse and keep going. good luck and don't give up on yourself. we are here for you. we are all in the same boat. best of luck to everyone.

My mother was always well meaning. Whenever I saw her (which was rather infrequently, as we lived 3,000 miles apart) her first words would be "you've gained weight, haven't you".Sometimes I might have lost a little since our last visit. Regardless of whether I had last or gained, it hurt that she only saw the weight. I know now that she was worried about my health. I would feel angry and upset, and often eat to make myself feel better, (Ha, I now know that is a very destructive attitude!)One of the last time's we met, after she had greeted me in the usual way, I said 'Oh,I'm so glad you came all this way, and it's lovely to see you, too". She realized then what she had said and apologized. I finally was able to confront her and no longer held it in and ate it away. Now I am on the track to a much healthier me. It's a pity Mum isn't here to see it.

Maybe one of the only good things about being on a journey to heal myself from obesity is perspective. I'm taking notes of what *isn't* helping me along the way, so I can remember to not do these things to others when I appear to be an always slim person (which the experience of other SparkPeople leads me to believe will happen).

One of those things is unsolicited advice, which comes across to me as sanctimonious, even if well-meant, especially from someone who doesn't know me at all. I'm thinking of this because I am on my way to the gym. All I do at this point is use pool walking as my healing day from land walking on other days: nothing complicated. And yet some random woman will give me advice on how to walk the pool. Un-believable. I wish I could wear headphones in the pool. Or, worse! In the dressing room! Yesterday, a woman began to give me advice about how to get to the gym as she packed her bag. Um, d-u-u-h, I'm already here? Clearly I found what works for me.

It occurs to me that pastry and chocolate withdrawal may be lasting longer than two months and may be a source of crankiness... Hmmmmm.

You know those times when you see someone in the supermarket who is quite seriously overweight. And perhaps you sneak a look to see what they are putting in their basket or trolley. Lots of processed foods, ready meals, white bread, biscuits, salty snacks, maybe...? And you are SO, so tempted to say something: not something judgmental, but something encouraging and hopefully motivating to try to jolt them out of their rut, to see that there is a happier, healthier life out there, and that you are a living embodiment of it; that you have faced the same challenges and been on the same journey. But the chances are that they already know: they know they are overweight, the doctor may have nagged them about it, they hate it -- but they just can't find the motivation or make the necessary internal decision to do anything about it. It has to come from within. It would be grossly impertinent to say anything to a stranger about their weight, even if you meant only to be helpful (and people's food choices may be dictated by considerations like budget far more than "healthy" eating); and it is almost the same with close friends/family members. You can only lead by example; and, when people eventually notice and are amazed by your achievements and ask how you did it, stress that you began with very small steps.

I have a good friend who is also trying to lose weight. He and I have been keeping in close contact about my weight loss challenges and successes (40+ pounds lost against a goal of 55). We also discuss his successes and challenges at the same time. While we share what's working for us (and what's not), we both encourage each other to look at the long term progress and not to get discouraged when we either don't lose as rapidly as we want (neither of us put on the pounds quickly, so we shouldn't expect to lose them quickly either) or worse, put on a pound or two. Bottom line, share encouragement about successes and failures too.

I'm 57 and over 30 pounds along on my journey to lose 160 pounds. My family and close friends have been concerned about my weight and the mobility problems that came with it and have been a wonderful encouragement in the following ways:* My husband does not complain about the $50/month gym membership and when I lost my job, encouraged me to not stop it to cut expenses.* My husband invites me to do walking type activities with him (Auto Show, Homeowners' Expo) and is gentle about me taking sitting breaks. * My slim, health-conscious mom *never* talks about weight with me, but I could see how grieved she was at the death recently of my cousin from obesity-related issues.* My kids don't talk about my weight, but months ago when I signed up for my first 5K (it is tomorrow! I'll be able to walk it thanks to training with the SparkPeople Activity Tracker), my cross-country running son said, "Sign me up, too, Mom! I'll go with you!" I couldn't believe it: he is 20.* Last year, my sister invited extended family to her cottages up near Mackinaw City over July 4th. That was plenty of time for me to make being more active at that time (to be down 50 pounds) an interim goal.* My friend (not a SparkPeople person) who fights fibromyalgia with a daily swimming regime of her own "likes" each FaceBook post I make about a daily walk or swim.* My daughter has adopted a daily fitness routine since going to college and I notice how great she looks.* My husband doesn't bring any treats in the house (he is diabetic).

Negative "encouragement" only works with me when it comes from someone I don't really know or (ha!) someone I actually dislike. * An acquaintance of my daughter made a disparaging comment about me when I appeared in the background of a photograph on social media. I want to work toward not being such an easy target for hilarity. Make them work a little harder at the humor, at least.* A person I do not like (but who I do not have to have daily contact with) is successfully losing weight through surgery and I have become intensely competitive.

This is a tough topic. You want to let your loved ones know that you are concerned about their health, but you don't want to upset them either. The thing is, they know they are overweight and have health issues because of it. One of my best friends has been really overweight for about two years now. She is actually pregnant now which makes it worse. She feels like because she is pregnant she can gorge herself on whatever junk she wants. I never say anything to her about her weight, and never have. I let her bring the topic up and then I mention the things I do to try and be healthy. Sometimes I think it is just best to wait until person shows interest or brings up the topic themselves. However, if you mother is already having problems with her knees and diabetes, then I would figure out and way to work health and fitness into regular conversations such as another person mentioned. Do not make it about weight, make it about health.

Some great comments in this thread! I work for a company called HealthyWage and we run weight loss challenges that pay you for losing weight. We are always interested in what encourages our participants. They often join our programs because they are looking for some encouragement they could not gain elsewhere. Feel free to check out our website www.healthywage.com.

I think you are a very good daughter, and you really love your mother.But I do think you need to be very careful in what you say to your mother and how you say it, unless she brings up the topic herself.You are probably not telling her anything that she doesn't know and it might ruin your relationship.

With me, it was the other way around. My mother was always monitoring my weight (as from my teens, when I was not overweight at all, just curvy), and constantly bringing it up in nearly every conversation. She would comment when it went down but especially when it went up, which happened just as often.

I know she really meant well, but a few years ago I got so fed up with her focus on looks and dress sizes (I don't think the health part ever came up) that at some point I yelled at her to never ever bring up my size again. Not when she thought I had gained, and not when I had lost weight.

That worked, and now both my parents are very hesitant in bringing up the subject, even now that I lost 50 pounds. Which is fine, as I don't want it to be a topic ever again.I talk with my parents about exercising and about eating healthy, but we don't talk weight or dress sizes. And I know that I will never talk to my daughters about their weight unless they bring it up.

Could be with you mother it would work out differently, but you could also hurt her feelings. And as mentioned below she needs to be ready herself to make the changes, you can't do that to her. Good luck, hopefully your mother will see that she needs to make changes herself.

Hi, try asking her if she is "up for a challenge" and suggest both of you will lose X amount of lbs by the next time you visit. Call and check up on progress reports. Both of you can have fun even at a long distance. If you/ she can, perhaps both of you can Skype or Facetime to keep up. Is it possible she is bored or feels lonely? That also could be why she turns to sweets for comfort. It could also be she "come to terms" with her weight and accepts herself the way she is, and if thats the case. Love her, accept that reason, and let her know you still need a mom.

There sure are a lot of folks on here who seem to want to help out their loved ones. I am sure any encouragement you all could offer would be helpful. As someone who does have arthritis, and diabetes and also noted increased infections when I attended the gym, even with the "anti-bacterial wipes" I understand how very frustrating it can be for those of us with limited mobility and other health issues. These are not excuses. They are facts, for many of us. I finally began to build my own mini-gym at home, so I could work out without being exposed to folks with constant viral infections. I rarely get a cold anymore. I picked my favorite piece of equipment ( a recumbent bike that is easy on my knees) and saved money for it. I bought a nice mid-priced model, and enjoy using it. I have since added hand weights, a balance ball, and an elliptical trainer, among other things. Maybe you could talk with her about the issues that are an impairment to her healthy lifestyle, and see what really is standing in the way? You'd be surprised how many things can frighten people, especially those of us who are overweight, and facing health issues. I think suggesting SP would be a wonderful idea, and you could spend time together teaching her, even over the phone. Good luck to both of you!

One day at a time.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that matters!'

CJ maybe you could offer to help her become more computer savvy by introducing her to Spark. She could learn what "social networking" through the message boards and creating her own blog. It is also a great way to "keep tabs" on you.

I have the same issue with my sister - she has RA and is always complaining about her aches and pains. I have sent her articles about how exercise helps with RA, and sent other simple suggestions, she has an excuse for everything. Like her immune system is compromised from the meds so she gets sick every time she goes to the gym, even if she uses the anti-bacterial wipes, etc, etc. I'm sure that even if I lived close to her and invited her for a walk she would have some excuse. I keep saying that I am giving up with her but every few months I give her another nudge, I guess I just can't help it.

I bought my DH a Fitbit for a gift and he started walking. He went for an hour run last night.Somehow I don't think that would work for your mother. But, um, might it work for your father? Because having someone around who is enjoying the results of exercise is a good thing. And maybe your dad could take your mother for a walk?Is your DM computer literate? Can you invite her to become a spark buddy and check in with her on Spark, and maybe share some chair exercise videos.? Do a challenge with her? My niece and I are doing our own abs challenge for in April. Pick something really easy that you know she will succeed at. And always be positive about it, don't engage with any negative talk at all.The most effective thing is the power of example. You still hae weight to lose. Show, don't tell her how it,s done! Share your struggles and importantly, your successes with her. My overweight sister was worried about my weight, she talked with a friend who had lost weight on the Cura Romana, then she did the Cura Romana herself and lost a lot of weight. And told me about it. I was skeptical first, but the weigtthloss was so amazing, I thought I would investigate it. So I gave it a try. 100lbs later...I'm not suggesting that weight loss method for you or your mother, it,s just that DS.s strategy worked for me. Leading by example, talking about her success, especially her excitement about the new clothes, not bringing me into it at all.I returned the favor for my DS, getting her to pick up exercise by talking about it enthusiastically. She used to like swimming and I would chat with her about my swimming with DH. When I visited I would go to the pool and invite her to join me. She didn't want to go but I explained I needed to be exercising during the visit, it didn't matter to me if she came or not. Guess what? She came along!She was amazed to see the improvement in me & DH and picked up swimming again. Now exercise is something we talk about together. And when I visit, we do it together, go for a walk or a swim, because it is a regular part of my day, and she likes it. And it is now a regular part of her day.Good luck in gently encouraging and supporting your DM to improve her health, but most especially, in doing what you can to set the example.

If you always do what you always did... You always get what you always got!

I think the only way to encourage weight loss in others is by being a good role model and not enabling. By enabling, I mean only having a cake for dessert, instead offer cake and fruit and make the healthy choice for yourself.

My recent status post was" I'm not where I want to be, but not where I've been." Remembering that I "blanked out" when I let my diet and exercise go and that pants now fit that didn't a few months ago means that I have lost weight. That helps me know that I've made progress and will continue doing so.

if you are eating healthy then share with her but dont force her she is probably set in her ways. but if you let her know how great you are feeling from good food not bad then she may think twice and start changing some of her habits a little at a time.good luck.

Does she use a computer? Have you introduced her to Spark?Sometimes seeing a website like this where you can meet people online and make friends in a non-threatening environment helps approach people. It doesn't have to be about weight loss...it can be introduced as a social website focused on health

a BIG Thank you for that message it hit home if it was for me i would accept you as a friend if I would meet you or see you in the street. thank you for the reply to my message i will keep it with me all the time whenever any one says anything again to me. have a good day. Cheryl

At choir the other day, an elderly "wise" woman pointed out that I was singing louder than everyone else. I overheard her and said "guess I want to be in the limelight!" That shut her up! When you agree with someone, it kind of takes the wind out of their sails. You don't have to disagree with her--"you're absolutely right, I have two double chins and I'm aiming for four. Now lets work on your…walking, getting you a drink, whatever…" Or, ' I'll allow one comment per day about my weight and no more. We're done now, okay?!" Then ask her how her daughter or grandchildren are.

I encorage any one that is trying to lose the weight they need to or not, but I dont get the same respect, my neighbor is always telling me I am over weight no duh I know i am trying ot lose I am excersicing is what i tell her I tell her I have lost 4 pounds then she tell me I have a double chin . i am her care taker so it is like I can't stay away from her.

Weight loss can be such a sensitive and hurtful subject. Anyone who is overweight of course wants to do well and for those it comes easy to don't quite understand. I have learned not to broach this subject with anyone unless they bring it up and ask specific questions. One should lead and be an example for others rather than be abrasive about it.

You are a good daughter. A lot of the suggestions are great. The one thing you did not address is if she has access to a computer/ Is she computer savvy?

The one thing I would suggest is would she join a support group? TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) is an inexpensive support club. She would get education and support. And the best thing is she would gain new friends who could be an incentive to her. Here is the link to their web site where she could find a chapter near her. www.TOPS.org That is one of the things I do that really helps me. I could be your mothers twin sister as I too have all her medical issues. I am diabetic, replacement of one knee and one hip. Just to name a few. Good luck and do this with love and understanding. My favorite quote is "IF IT IS TO BE IT IS UP TO ME" Same goes for her. .

Thanks Everyone for their kind words. I plan to use some suggestions as they appear appropriate for my situation. I thought to talk to my dad and my sister, but I agree I don't want to strain those relationships. I'll continue to be a positive influence, and cook when they visit or I visit home. When they visit, I usually do the cooking, and found she has liked some of the ways I prepare my food. Maybe I'll make her a cookbook for Mothers day.

I am your mother. Not really, but close enough for your comments to hit home. I am 63 yrs old, prediabetic, over weight by almost 100lbs and am having some health issues among them my knees and hips. Also I have some other issues. But, thank you for wanting to be there for your mom. But, she has to come to the realization on her own. Many of the ideas given are really good. Talking with your mom to tell her that you love her and are concerned and willing to help is great. Then drop it. Preparing delicious and nutritious meals is good, too. Introducing her to SP is great. But the thing that helped me the most was getting a spark-tracker. I love to see the lights go around and keeping up on the computer with it. I modify my diet when I see what that extra sprinkle of cheese does to my caloric and fat intake. This site has really been an eye opener for me and while I am not healthy yet, I am getting healthier on a daily basis. I am getting motivated and educated, too. I hope your mom will love it here as much as I do. The different groups help too. They help to make me feel not so alone.

I think the concerning part of this situation is not your mom's health; rather it's your perception. Every spirit resides in a body and every body has its own characteristics. She's diabetic, he has cancer, she's short, he's bald, she has one leg, he's blind, she's thin, he's tall...they're all false. Our bodies will never be who we are, they can only express our spirit. Likewise with the situation; it can be viewed as doomed (sick mother), or enchanting (a time of love and laughter between a mother and a daughter). Your worry about losing her doesn't extend her life and it honestly isn't good for your own health. I would suggest another course. Be grateful; your mom is alive! Do you know how many ppl would give anything for another day to hug and laugh with their mothers? Of course you want it to go on forever, and it will, but not here on earth. Her spirit is your mother, the same mother you had thirty years ago, her body is just different. if she asks for help, give instantly. as your mother, respectfully approach her and humbly ask her if she would like to hear more about some things that will help manage the illness. Whatever her answer, yes or no, be glad and keep on dancing the dance of love.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

I went through something similar with my friend. She was/is/was always complaining about her weight, she needs/wants to lose 50 pounds. But all she did was complain about it.

When I started losing weight, I only brought it up casually, and only when I was talking about me. I would bring up when I lost like 6 pounds - because that is normal between friends.

I never gloated. I just said it like normal and moved along. That was September. So it kept going that way.

Then, as part of a normal conversation, I'd bring up how old jeans were starting to fit - December.

And that's really all I did. Had she asked any questions, I'd have gladly answered, but I kept everything to myself. I just reported my progress like how you do between friends.

February, she (again) was talking about weight. How she needs to lose 50 pounds by summer. By that time I was maybe 125ish? Anyway - so then I said, you know..I started with small changes, blah blah blah, now I weigh 125 (whatever it was). The reason I spoke more then, was because she was becoming more specific (by summer, not just "I want to lose 50 pounds, wah wah wah").

Then it clicked for her.

So she started. At her own pace. I've only offered gentle suggestions here and there to her....but mainly act as cheerleader for her. Every week now I text on monday to remind her to stick to her diet, and when she goes out to eat, I text to remind her to make healthy choices. When we talk, I only be sure to bring it up once a week...not nag about it. Anytime she reports a loss, I tell her how proud I am of her.

So far she lost 12 pounds - just by diet.

So, do it gently and non-nagging, lead by example. In the end, she either wants to do it...or not.

I know that someone could have called me fat before and it would not have motivated me...I had to have that one moment where it clicked for me....

She is your Mother and she should be interested in what you are doing. Share your weight loss journey with her, the good and the bad, the hard parts and the rewards. Tell her what you have tried and how it worked for you - why it worked for you or why it didn't work. Ask her to walk with you when you visit. Mothers love to be part of daugher's lives.

Mention knee surgery sooner rather than later. Many people have to delay surgery due to being over weight increasing the risk of infection. Then brag brag brag on her during her physical therapy.

Talking to your Dad "about" her will only cause resentment, that will continue the unhealthy eating, plus cause friction between them. Especially if a person has been eating a certain way most of their lives, they hate to even see commercials on tv nagging at them to lose weight. She may finally make the decision herself if she has a medical emergency "event" at some point, but anyone else nagging will not encourage, NO ONE can make another change their eating habits, even a doctor will be considered a NAG. When you visit, you can fix some healthy foods, show her some simple methods to cook things, fast and yet healthy, but in the end, the person has to yank their motivation out of their own gut. Sorry, anything else will be considered an intrusion, and may make them sneak eat. Don't ask me how I know.........................

People tend to feel judged and get defensive and hurt if people bring up their need to lose weight and, yes, they already know it and probably have heard it from their doctor at physical exams and from insensitive people out in society.

Focus on health rather than weight loss. Ask how she is feeling and sympathize with her and wait for "an open door" to mention Sparkpeople. I wouldn't mention weight almost at all, but healthy changes and healthy lifestyle and wanting to have her around for a long, long, time.

Use this site as a role model, because they don't push radical changes in behavior. They focus on one small positive step at a time and give a lot of encouragement when the people do any of it at all.

Focus on easy things that she can do.

This site will applaud her if she drinks 8 glasses of water or adds 5 servings of fruit and veggies. This site will applaud her if she does 10 minutes of chair cardio.

Sometimes remembering to encourage rather than lecture is harder when it is a close relative.

This is a difficult situation. I think most of us have either been in your shoes or your mother's.

We all knew we were overweight. We all knew what we needed to do something. So, why didn't we do it ? Why did it take so long to decide we needed to make a change ? We all had make that decision for ourselves and so does your mom. I know you want her to live a long healthy productive life, but she really does have to make this decision for herself.

Losing weight just to make a loved one happy isn't enough. Your mom needs to find her own reasons for wanting to lose. And well, like many of us, she could be scared. She may be afraid to lose. Many of us were overweight for so long, we had no idea what being thin would be like. She might even think she's too old to lose or make a change.

Has your mother ever brought up the topic of weight loss ? When is the last time she went to the doctor for a full physical ? Did her doctor mention her weight ? I know some doctors do and some don't. Telling patients to lose weight is another can of worms that some people don't want to open. Her doctor might have suggested she try to lose weight to control her diabetes. They may have suggested a change in diet.

What would I do ? If I were worried about my mother's health, I would sit down and have a talk with her. I would let her know that I was concerned. I'd ask her how she felt about her weight, her diabetes, her knee problems. I'd ask if she was doing anything her doctor suggested for changes. I would acknowledge her concerns. I would see if she seemed interested in anything I had done. That's when you could show her how you've used Spark People to improve your health and well being. You could show her the forums and let her read some of the different threads. If she feels up to it, you might even show her how to set up her own account.

As you've probably seen from reading the threads. Many members feel like they are isolated and alone. Let your mom know that if she were member of Spark People, she wouldn't be alone because the Spark community would be here to support her. And I do feel that a reason many people won't try is because they don't have support.

And well, your mom just might say she's set in her ways. If that's the case, then you have to be patient and set a good example.

My mother is much the same. She's had both knees replaced and still carries around at least 100 lbs more than she should.

You're right - you cannot make her do it, and you can make the situation worst. I have encouraged my mom as much as possible while nagging a bit because she's not been compliant with her post surgery recommendations. Happily, both her and my dad have joined the Y which has helped a bit. I've passed along some recipes, and am considering getting her some healthy eating magazine subscriptions (she loves recipe books and stuff like that). I make healthy foods when I am at home with them and always keep fruits and veggies in the fridge when I visit.

I would focus more on health than weight. Offer to do the cooking while home and make healthy meals. Getting your dad on board would be awesome and helpful for sure. Small changes like Spark advocates would be better than a radical changes.

If this were me, I would concentrate on leading by example. How, you may ask, when you live so far away?Well, when you two chat and she asks how you are doing, you could enthusiastically mention something along the lines of, "Great! Just rtnd from a 2 mile power walk!" or "Great! I just made the most fantastic recipe w/ sweet potatoes I found on Sparkpeople."If she has a favorite food, see if you can find a healthy version of it here on Spark. Mention you saw a cool new recipe for that & ask if she wants you to send her the link.

Share things in the spirit of "normal conversation," not as someone out to convert!

Be happy. Happiness is inviting. Even if, say, you had a bad day: "Oh, I had a tough day at work. The computers froze and the clients weren't happy. But I'm going for a quick run so I know I'll feel better!"

You can even share, if she asks how you are or why you sound so happy on a particular day, that you fit into that pair of jeans you couldn't button a month ago - this healthy eating thing is awesome.

So take some of the positives that you have experienced and casually insert them into the conversation when it makes sense. Again, subtlety, enthusiasm & being genuine are key - don't preach or she may tune you out. I agree w/ the PP; she knows she's overweight, she lives w/ her knees & gets it. The way you can assist her is by showing w/ your example that your healthy lifestyle is not torture; it has positive aspects and leaves you happy & positive.

I know w/ me, I wasn't "ready" for 10 yrs as I just couldn't stomach going through all that torture I *thought* I had to endure.Turns out I was doing it wrong!

I'm concerned for my mom. She has been having knee troubles for the last few years and continues to battle it. She is also prediabetic. Once thing I know would help her would be to lose weight, shes only 5'3 and weights about 280. I don't live at home anymore, so I have no idea what her diet is, but I do know she has a sweet tooth, and never ate a lot of fruits and veggies when I was growing up.

I know you can't force someone to lose weight, and I don't want to. I just would like some ideas on how to approach the issue. The unfortunate part is I live far from them, so I only see them a couple times a year. I was considering talking to my dad to see if he can help convince her. Any thoughts?

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