Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Crossing the Line: When Freds Go Bad

"Swallow GBR" indeed - sounds like what WRM is going to be doing with his brief jerkies.Want to make a prediction about the Olympic Road Race to redeem yourself, Snob?

July 23, 2012 3:42 PM

Why, I would indeed. My prediction for the Olympic road race (that's bicycle road race, I assume) is that it will be won by Dmitriy Fofonov, who was clearly holding back during the Tour so that he'd peak for London:

(They don't call him "The Fofanator" for nothing.)

As for how the race will play out, I expect he will win in a solo breakaway, since Fofonov is best alone.

Speaking of competitive cycling, one event that has some superficial resemblance to actual bike racing is the New York Gran Fondo, and you may have heard by now that the organizers have snagged themselves a couple of dopers:

Two cyclists tested positive for EPO at Gran Fondo New York on May 20, 2012. David Anthony of New York City admitted today to having used the drug to enhance his performance at bike races. The other rider who tested positive is awaiting the result of the B sample. As soon as appropriate, Gran Fondo New York will comment further on the second case.

Sure, the cycling world laughed back in April when the New York Gran Fondo first announced there would be drug testing. After all, who would cheat with drugs to "win" a massive Fred ride? But what the organizers surely realized was that Freds are paying for the illusion that they are actually athletes. These Freds want an excuse to buy new equipment. They want special matching jerseys. They want their meager efforts to be timed and quantified. And they want to know that, just like the pros, they might even have to go pee-pee in a cup:

("Wow, doping control! I'm just like those people in the Olympics!")

By the way, the illusion was so complete that the New York Gran Fondo even performed out-of-competition testing:

"Of course we were shocked to hear the news on the positive tests, in particular given the use of EPO. EPO is a blood boosting drug that has to be injected and is not a simple over the counter product," says Gran Fondo New York CEO Ulrich Fluhme. "Doping control helps clean riders have fair competition. We believe that we came closer to achieving that by introducing out-of-competition (OOC) and in-competiton (IC) testing. All our OOC tests came back negative as did the vast majority of IC tests. Plus, the announcement of testing before the event kept away notorious cheaters."

It's hard to imagine registering for an event like the New York Gran Fondo only to have doping control show up at your house one day. As it is, being tested at the actual Gran Fondo must be like having to go through customs to get into Disneyworld, so being visited at home by doping control must be like getting a visit from the Walt Disney Company Secret Service after you book your tickets on Orbitz and being strip-searched by an agent dressed as Mickey Mouse. However, as absurd as it sounds, clearly the testing did pay off, which is why if you read carefully you can detect the glee bubbling just below the surface of this ostensibly neutral press release. Now that their event is officially "dope-worthy" they have all kinds of street cred (or "Fred cred"). And if you think it will tarnish the event, think again, for I was just reading an article in the New Yorker about strongman competitions ("The Strongest Man In The World" by Burkhard Bilger) in which I learned the following:

In 1970, when he brought the world weight-lifting championships to Columbus, the event was a bust at first. "We were at Ohio State University, at Mershon Auditorium, and the first three days--Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday--it was empty. Maybe a few family members." Then, on the third day, a scandal broke: eight of the nine top lifters tested positive for steroids. "Well, that Thursday evening Mershon filled up," Lorimer recalled. "Friday, Saturday, Sunday--it was filled every day. Now, what lesson do you think I learned from that?"

In other words, the Five Boro Bike Tour better catch some dopers too or else the New York Gran Fondo is going to completely subsume their event.

There is no easy way to say this -- I was using ways to improve my performance that were cheating. This was something that I alone did, and I take responsibility for it. My team, coaches and friends had absolutely no knowledge or participation in this.

Two things happened recently that put into prospective just how off the deep end I was. The first was that I tested positive for EPO at the Gran Fondo. A week and a half after that I broke my leg in three places in a racing accident. For the first time in years, I was completely off the bike. These two things gave me the perspective to examine just how insane I was acting...

So he didn't realize he was "off the deep end" until he tested positive for EPO at a gigantic Fred ride? What about when he was actually buying the EPO for the gigantic Fred ride? That to me would indicate rock-bottom. I'm sure he's also kicking himself right now, since had he simply skipped the Gran Fondo he'd still be racking up those mid-field results at regional stage races. Clearly he got greedy. Doping for amateur bike races only to get caught at the New York Gran Fondo is like embezzling from work and then getting nabbed for stealing ballpoint pens out of the supply closet.

But as sad as cheating at your hobby is, it's hardly surprising, since delusion is the hallmark of the amateur bike racer. Consider this pre-bust interview:

It seems you do a bunch of training and get to a plateau where you are competitive in your field, only to find that when you cat up it’s almost like starting over. There is another notch or two up that you need to get to in order to be competitive at that next level. That is one of the things that is cool about racing – with the category system it is set up so anyone, at almost any level of fitness can participate. But there is always another level to strive for if you want it.

Yes, there's always another level, and the futile pursuit of it is what amateur bike racing is all about. That's why crappy bike riders actually pay for stuff like this:

Then there are the electronic shifting groups, and the ludicrously-priced plastic frames, and the power meters, and the custom training programs... Is there a huge difference between an amateur riding a $15,000 race bike, paying coaching fees equal to his rent, and spending inordinate amounts of time "training," and actually taking that next step and using a banned substance? Not really. Once you're that far gone it's a pretty small step. Sure, doping is actually illegal whereas stupid upgrades are not, but once you're that deluded it's probably about as easy as it is for some people to fall into bed with someone who's not their spouse. The amateur doper is simply committing adultery while the rest of the amateurs are constantly foffing off over porn and telling themselves it's healthy behavior. In fact, amateur doping is so easy as to be boring, as I found when I read this book:

Actually, I didn't read the book. Rather, I tried to read it but kept falling asleep. You'd think reading the confession of an amateur doper might be juicy, but really it's as interesting as reading about someone coveting the new Zipps. Professional doping stories are juicy because there are lives and careers on the line. All an amateur is putting on the line is a hobby--and even after he's caught he can still play with his crabon toys and pleasure himself with Strava.

Anyway, all of this is why amateur bike racing feels so much like a bunch of investment bankers partying in a strip club, and why riding around with a 10-foot quill stem with a capacious handlebar bag à la Rivendell never seemed so appealing.

But what if you're not ready to surrender to the world of steel and lugs? Well, fortunately, if you want to pretend to be an athlete but you can't even ride your bicycle on the most elementary level, there's always triathlon. Yesterday I mentioned the NeverReach hydration system, and subsequently a reader forwarded me another one of their videos and informed me of their slogan:

We found a bike that'll have you singing in a falsetto. Yes, after exhaustive searching our bike guy found some Opera Super Leonardo framesets. Don't ask how, all you need to know is that this monocoque carbon fiber frameset was designed by Fausto Pinarello and is ready to dominate the race course or your local group ride. Hurry though, we've only got a few.

Yes, thanks to the new Pants-Yabby-Pulverizing (PYP) seatstays, the Opera Super Leonardo will have you sounding like Andy Gibb.

is there anything sadder than doping for a Fondo? maybe making your kid dope for a Fondo. you gotta really wonder about these guys. we have one now in Vancouver and last year somebody died after a terrible accident. it doesn't seem all that worth it to me. i used to do a MTB race called the Test of Metal and i was always amazed at the riders who were yelling at me to get out of their way - why, so you can crack the top 200?!? yes its a race and we all want to do our best but we all suck so get over yourself.

Check out Track Bike, a poem by Frederick Seidel (for LRB members only, sorry you petty non-members). Here's the first part:

The bicycle messenger who nearly knocked you over Was me trying to.That was me circling Columbus CircleOn a track bike, the kind with one gear and no brakes.Look out! No brakes with a message!I flashed around the velodromeOf my life, clinging to your steeply banked curves,And discovered the New World.

Where to start!Brilliant bike flotsam curating, Snob. Connect those dots, reach those conclusions - but no jumping please!

Are we to expect OOOOC testing soon? (Out of out of competition.) I say, "BRING IT!" I'm ready to pee in a cup for whatever institution deems it necessary to assure my purity as I blow stop signs, decline to wave and cry "ON YER RIGHT you knob kneed git!" (Sotto Voce for that last bit.)All I can say about this amateur doping scandal is this; We are all just bored out of our skulls and looking for something to do. So why not dope for a Fondo? Why not take Viagra? Why not pop Metapramine for the inevitable over-training blahs. What else are we going to do with our time here? Volunteer at soup kitchens and old folks homes? That would be lame and lead to boring blogging. NO BORING BLOGGING ALLOWED.

Now I'm going do some intervals on my powertapped plastic aero electric shifting super bike and when I pass you I WILL NOT WAVE. Muahahhahahhahhahahha.

"Anyway, all of this is why amateur bike racing feels so much like a bunch of investment bankers partying in a strip club, and why riding around with a 10-foot quill stem with a capacious handlebar bag à la Rivendell never seemed so appealing."

I'm not sure what's worse, a deluded fred who pays thousands of dollars for cutting edge equipment and then still sucking, albeit at a slightly higher level, or a falsely modest fred who purposely pays thousands of dollars for obsolete equipment (e.g. a handcrafted steel framed road bike) so they can have an ready excuse as to why they suck?

I've been doping for years but for some reason I'm not getting any faster. Maybe I'm not smoking enough of it.

You probably need a $5k crabon bong.

A minor semantic note, it's frowned upon in the cycling community to overtly reference your own doping. The preferred term is "testing the B sample". As in:

Serious racer type 1: What's your training schedule like?Serious racer type 2: Usually I wake up really early and watch old Looney Tunes episodes while I'm testing the B sample. In the afternoon I might randonneur up to the store for beer.

What about the artisanal Fred who pays thousands of dollars for a handcrafted steel framed road bike so he can compete in unsanctioned gentlemen's races that are filmed in evocative black and white, thus disguising his sucking as art and a profound spiritual journey?

Back when I raced, I discovered through scientific research that I raced better with a hangover. I decided to quit racing, because the only logical conclusion was that I'd need a liver transplant to be able to turn pro and I didn't have any medical insurance.

I'm eagerly awaiting the delivery in the mail of a 10-ft quill stem and large handlebar bag.

I got into an argument on a post over on Gizmodo (I know, I know) about some ridiculous umpteen-thousand dollar bike "fitting" method. Some people just cannot let go of the idea that uncomfortable road or mountain bikes designed for racing and/or rough terrain are somehow more comfortable than a nice commuter bike with swept-back bars. Just bizarre.

"... and why riding around with a 10-foot quill stem with a capacious handlebar bag à la Rivendell never seemed so appealing."

Huh? Is there a word missing? It would seem instead of "so" you should have written "more".

Otherwise, I completely don't get this comparison. GP & Riv may be ridiculously foppish, but his book is a slam against Freds and the way they've wrecked biking as recreation and transportation. Every Riv rider I've met (Portland-centric sampling bias?) was as easy-going a 35-54 y.o. male as one is likely to ever meet on two wheels.

Oh my goodness, I was late checking in today as I was busy chortling at the comments section on the NYVelocity doping story. Sigh, maybe it's just an east coast type-A thing? Where's bgw when you need him to give us the Bay Area racing perspective? This is why I am happy tootling around quilled and lugged.Anyway, what a hoot to be cut and pasted into an actual post. Sure beats trying to get a podium spot in the comments section. Thanks Snob. What will you eat when Cav wheelies over the line at the Mall?

I generally don't like to make or waste my time commenting on negative things or cheaters but this story just kinda of got to me. I first saw something on FB that caught my attention but It wasn't until I saw a generic e-mail from a friend/coach of mine (In the Balto./DC area) who coached me when I was just 16 yrs old getting into cycling, that triggered this response. When this dude got busted it sent a rippling effect further then his little self centered world ever thought it would go. I don't know the Cat 3 40 yr. old something dude and I don't care to know him! I do have to confess though... I'm getting a little tired of all the attention that "apples" like this dude get when they get BUSTED! - all they do is just spoil the barrel. At this level (Cat 3/AMATEUR) people work hard to put on races/events, raise money to pay support people, create generous prize money and this dude thinks his tainted results are more important then the people and riders who play by the rules. There have been some suggestions on where this dude ought to serve his penitence, we all have seen them. I personally think the cycling community should just take his license away,thank him for his service and move on. We can't afford a barrel of "rotten apples." The honest hard working people/racers who play by the rules deserve it. We have seen and heard this story before, it's getting a little tiring… ESPECIALLY AT THIS LEVEL!

My wife is a Registered Dietician and used to work at like 5 different dialysis clinics and she would transport EPO over night and it would sit there in our fridge by the Natural light. $10,000 worth. Never touched it. We did steal some Lortabs though. I mean I am not stupid.

Hey, crappy bike racers have feelings. too.Yes, you see a lot of crabon in masters fields, along with $2000 wheel sets, but I stand out, with my steel frame, and 32 hole retro wheels.....(maybe that's why I don't podium very often)......(That, and the fact that many people are born with little talent)..

minor distinction, but still a point of order. it's pretty clear this guy wasn't doping to win the gran fondo. he was doping to amateur races like the Tour of the Dragons, Battenkill etc. He obviously made a mistake doing the GFNY, apparently with friends (from comments on another site), and didn't realize he'd get tested. Which he did.

"If today in the United States or western Europe the relatively poor can have a car or a refriger­ator, an airplane trip or a radio, at the cost of a reasonable part of their income, this was made possible because in the past others with larger incomes were able to spend on what was then a luxury. The path of advance is greatly eased by the fact that it has been trodden before. It is because scouts have found the goal that the road can be built for the less lucky or less energetic. What to­day may seem extravagance or even waste, because it is enjoyed by the few and even undreamed of by the masses, is payment for the experimentation with a style of living that will eventually be available to many."

tl;dr

...unless those rich amateurs keep on buying those carbon race wheels, *we* (the ordinary plebs) won't be able to buy them for $100, 20 years down the line. FACT.

Rock bottom came immediately after the last race he lost while riding clean. When you think about it, purchasing the dope was a positive step for hyper-motivated amateur racer. One might lose and then harbor bitter suspicion that you're at disadvantage because of inferior DNA or you're competing against people who are doping. Once you dope, you level the genetic playing field while throwing off the yoke of this destructive bitterness. You erase all doubts. You are now the Enlightened One. If you get caught, it's no big deal. Sure you get slagged on, but you get slagged on by delusional losers.

The tip of an iceberg rarely reveals the size and magnitude of the base below the surface. We are all part of this (cycling) iceberg.The majority of us: clubs,coaches,support staff, and the membership all consist of the base which supports and holds up the iceberg. The base provides the structure and support for riders to rise to the tip. There are several approaches that athletes/riders choose to take on their quest for the tip. Some just enjoy the journey and have no objectives. Some prefer to take a more prepared and direct approach. And some just decide to take a frikken helicopter! A.k.a Doping. Every approach accomplishes the same result but when we all sign on the dotted line for our license it was with the understanding that our quest to the top would be done under our own natural human power. The helicopter approach to the tip - I think - is what revealed there is a problem and people will choose to shorten their experience if they have the resources and means to - and not abide by the rules. This is we're the CRCA feels like they need to take action and consider a drug testing program. I'm not completely on board with this idea. Would the CRCA's reaction been any different if it happen to a non CRCA member? I believe the club should concentrate on developing riders and providing a healthy environment for cyclists' to grow and reach the top. They have been doing a very good at this for a long time. Leave the testing to the event organizers.This is what the NY Grand Fondo did and they got results. I understand the CRCA puts on alot of races and they do a great job of it. This (drug testing) proposal should be the responsibility of everybody. I commend the CRCA for taking the lead on this but I believe that most of the members fall into the first two categories (mentioned above) and should not be treated like they are contributing to the problem. Just some thoughts from a member of the base.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!