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Ashes and Grace (Real Life Encounters with a Gay Woman and Transgender Person)

It doesn’t matter how much you love someone. It matters how much they feel loved.

I have a young friend who is transgender. She makes playlists of music for me because we both love music.

When I received her first playlist, I wondered what secret messages the lyrics might hold and whether or not I could decipher something in them that would bring us closer than we already were.

“Why can’t you just love me?”

It was the very first lyric of the very first song. It did not slip past me unnoticed. In fact, I hit pause immediately, started the song over and let the question imprint on my heart like an iron-on.

Time Magazine published an article several years ago entitled, Why We Get Disgusted. In the article a concept called touch transference was mentioned, which is the belief that when something disgusting is introduced by touch to something wholesome, it makes that wholesome thing less desirable. This theory was tested by loading up grocery carts with food items and then placing desired items in close proximity to products like toilet paper. The study revealed that once the desired items were placed near the undesirables, people no longer preferred those items like they once had.

When I first read this, my mind immediately went to Grace, my young friend who just happens to be transgender. I’ll tell you why later, but for now, let’s move on.

Here’s the second quote:

“The appeal of the food fell even if the two products were merely close together; an inch seemed to be the critical distance…more irrationally still, the subjects were less comfortable with a transparent package than an opaque one, as if it somehow had greater power to leak contamination.”

“Critical distance?”

“Less comfortable with a transparent package than an opaque one?”

Translation: If the innards of the less desirable product can be concealed or hidden in some way, it will retain its value.

It’s important we don’t miss the message here, because the repercussions of this last statement could be fatal for some. In fact, they already have.

On December 28th, 2014, a transgender youth stepped in front of a tractor-trailer ending her life. She left behind a suicide note, which many believe blamed her Christian parents.

I read the suicide note. I didn’t hear blame as much as I heard an explanation. She told us she believed her life was going to be terrible because most of her experiences, once she opened up about her issues with gender identity, seemed to be about how “the subjects were less comfortable with a transparent package than an opaque one, as if (she) somehow had greater power to leak contamination.”

Bear with me for a moment longer, because we owe it to the transgender community (with a 40% plus attempted suicide rate) to try harder than we have before – because I’m still not sure we get it. And if that’s the case, we must do better by asking ourselves how we are contributing to the problem.

Sometimes when we believe a person has a problem we’re not sure can be fixed, we abandon ship instead of staying on the boat with them. We may ask them to convert to our way of thinking, and if they don’t, increase our critical distance. We do this either by throwing them overboard or scheduling a one-way excursion for them at the next port, and they are never heard from again.

I don’t believe this happens from a place of hatred, but of fear. Fear is a powerful emotion – so powerful that if not identified and rooted out, it can quickly turn a heart that is racing with fear into a heart that is raging with anger and intolerance. Most often, I don’t believe people are disgusted because they are actually disgusted, but because they are afraid the people they don’t understand will leak out of their packages and contaminate others…maybe even us.

“Who will be infected?” we wonder. And because we believe safe is better than sorry, we back away from any connection with them…we back away for good.

When my friend Grace identified as male she was very involved at my church, so I wasn’t surprised when she accepted my friend request on Facebook so quickly. However, I was surprised to discover that as “Grace” we had no mutual friends. When she identified as male, we had thirty. Since becoming transgender…none.

There’s something going on here, isn’t there? And we must figure out what that something is. It might at first seem easy to point a finger at her faith community – to throw out accusations that it wasn’t a safe place for her. But this may not be the case at all. So then the question must be asked:

Why is there so little of their presence in her life?

Admittedly, Grace didn’t give her church friends much of a chance to respond because in her own words, “I had an exhausting year and if they rejected me I couldn’t have handled that stress.” She put the blame on herself completely. But I’m 44 years old, and I’ve been a full-time Christian pastor for 21 of those 44 years. So I guess what I’m saying is…

It’s not her fault.

Her gut instinct to self-protect by detaching from the Christian community at large is born of the kind of rejection she has witnessed for years on every news channel, magazine cover, within Christian circles and friend groups. The point being, she’s seen it all before. She knew what could happen.

Often before publishing an “issue article” such as this, I will run it by a friend to get their thoughts. My agent, Kathy Helmers, (agent to the stars…plus me) is a voice I’ve come to value in my life. We don’t think exactly alike but her perspective often challenges me. In a previous draft of this article I mentioned that those in the LGBTQ community are quite possibly modern day lepers (*referring only to the way they’ve been shunned by Christians.) With Kathy’s permission, I’d like to share her response because it was so insightful, telling, alarming…and in my opinion, right on the money.

“Your goal is admirable but I doubt it’s possible to change this kind of deep-rooted and “Bible-based” response with anything other than real-life encounters, which of course won’t happen because Christians shun people they believe to be living in the wrong moral choice.

You’d have to do something very deft with the Bible, showing how moral indignation equals Pharisees and love equals Jesus breaking taboos. But even then I doubt you could do it. Lepers are random victims of a disease, so Christians will never view LGBTQ people as lepers. They will see LGBTQ as having given themselves up to corrupt appetites. They can’t have any positive relationship with them because it would undermine their posture of disapproval, which they believe Scripture requires them to maintain. You will never win by appealing to people’s hearts because they can’t trust their hearts; they can only trust the Bible’s teaching on these subjects as it has been taught to them.”

One sentence sticks out more than any other.

“I doubt it’s possible to change this kind of deep-rooted and “Bible-based” response with anything other than real-life encounters…”

I couldn’t agree more. That said, here is one of my personal real-life encounters.

Last year when my friend Ashley married her girlfriend Bre, her father let her go.

At a breakfast meeting Ashley told me how close she had been with her dad as a little girl. “And I’m still that same girl, Matt. I just don’t think he sees me that way anymore.”

As I listened, I watched the package of her story turn from opaque to transparent until I could see the pain within her. That’s when she said something I will never forget.

“I wish I could flip myself inside out. That way my dad could see my heart…first.”

I could hear Grace’s song putting words in her mouth.

“Why can’t you just love me?”

It’s time…beyond time actually, to ask ourselves what it means to really love someone – to accept every person…

As. They. Are.

For too long we’ve been falsely advertising our unwavering love for those we don’t understand. We don’t love their sin, we tell whoever will listen, but we do love them! But at some point we should probably ask them if they FEEL loved. And then be ready for their answer.

These days Grace has fewer Christian friends than when she identified as male. And Ashley has lost her father because she is gay. Consider this information in light of who Jesus is and it makes no sense at all.

And if we repeatedly find ourselves caught in the methodology of how to love, clarifying and qualifying our love, I don’t think it would be unfair to say we are barely like Jesus.

Barely Christian.

As people of God…as bearers of his grace, we are to be so conspicuous with our love that it’s obvious to those who are hurting that they will find a soft place to land should they decide to let us in.

The day Ashley and I met for breakfast was her birthday. That same night I couldn’t stop thinking about her words.

“I wish I could flip myself inside out. That way my dad could see my heart first.”

With tears in my eyes, I pulled out my phone and sent this text to her:

“You already are flipped inside out, Ash. Your heart is ALL I can see. Some may never see what is so beautifully on display before them. But that doesn’t make me feel bad for you. It makes me feel bad for them. Man…I just can’t believe how they are missing out on you. Wonderful, amazing, inspiring, fabulous YOU. Happy birthday!”

Wonderful, amazing, inspiring, and fabulous. That’s a far cry from less desirable, repulsive, infected, and contaminated.

Kathy’s response to the idea of LGBTQ people being lepers was that Christians would never see them as lepers. And she is right – because they haven’t come down with some sort of random and debilitating disease. But they have been stripped, beaten, and left for dead on the side of the road. And I believe many of them are still waiting for a Good Samaritan to pass by.

Could that possibly be you?

When Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” he was immediately asked, “Who is my neighbor?” Rather than give a quick answer to a simple question, he offered up the story of The Good Samaritan.

Because Jews believed Samaritans to be utterly low-class, a Samaritan would’ve been considered one of the last people to show compassion on a Jew. Yet in this story a Samaritan finds a Jew that has been left for dead and dresses his wounds, takes him to an inn, pays for his stay, asks the innkeeper to take good care of him and promises that if there are any extra expenses he’ll pay them on his return trip to Samaria. That’s a lot of care and concern.

Jesus is making a point.

Real compassion.Real-life encounters.

The final sentence of Kathy’s email felt like a challenge.

“You will never win by appealing to people’s hearts because they can’t trust their hearts; they can only trust the Bible’s teaching on these subjects as it has been taught to them.”

My Christian friends: Maybe the idea of accepting people where they are and as they are is hard because you feel you are in danger of contradicting the bible’s explicit command.

But know this – the second half of the MOSTEXPLICIT COMMAND OF ALL is to love your neighbor as yourself.

No qualifiers. Just love.

I’m not saying it’s easy. For you, it may not be. But we must move forward.

As I’ve begun having my own real-life encounters my heart has become much more obedient to this most explicit command. Because the moment you open yourself up to the painful stories of others, people like Ashley will sit down with you and say, “I wish my dad could see my heart first.” And your heart will be broken, just like it should be.

And people like Grace will come to you with one question on her mind:

“Why can’t they just love me?”

You won’t know what to say because you’ll effortlessly see her goodness, light, and love because of your own real-life encounter with her. You’ll no longer qualify your love, but will stand with her and wonder how people could still be struggling to return goodness to folks like Grace and Ashley, simply because they are gay or transgender.

In a wounded world, we were never supposed to keep a critical distance from the brokenhearted. We were meant to walk into their neighborhoods and right up to their burned down houses—to sit among them, right next to them.

To listen to their stories of rejection and loss, and then watch the burning ash of their pain float into the sky like grace.

There is more work to do, my friends. Because life is not just good, is it?

23Comments

Matt – a beautiful insight on how to love anyone we may have rejected for any reason. Caregivers are fixers – as a fixer – I want them to see that their sin will result in death, just as my sin would result in death. When my love for/to them is rejected, I don’t stop loving them or caring. My BFF from high school was gay when it wasn’t something to be spoken of. This person loved me as I was for who I was(even though I felt ugly, was fat,etc). I still love this person deeply, but it is I who have been rejected because of my faith, my love for Christ, my ‘religion’. It’s like if you profess your faith your are already anti-anything of the world and are haters. (Even though you are not pointing fingers merely sharing salvation.) I’m not perfect but saved through the blood of Christ. I am not a hater. Rejection is hurtful, horrible and I’m so glad that Christ didn’t reject me. Thank you for your gentle insight – If we all see Jesus and follow His teaching sharing His Word, we will be following the Truth.

Terry, thanks for commenting. I don’t know what is behind your relationship with your friend, so from a limited perspective here is my observation. Initially I wonder if your friend was rejecting you or your faith. If he was rejecting your faith, that is by no means a rejection of you…but a difference of opinion. I understand you felt rejected and in no way would I minimize your experience…but his rejection as a gay man…especially in those days – can you imagine what that was like?

I profess my faith often, many do, and am not seen as “anti” in my response to the world. I am PRO them. My belief system does not have to mirror anyone else’s to fully embrace them. The reality is, Christians have done such a number on the gay community that we HAVE to make a comeback. I may not personally have been a part of gay-bashing, but if I call myself a Christian I must know I’m guilty by association whether I like it or not. It may not seem fair, but it’s a reality.

I’m personally willing to stop saying, “It wasn’t me” and instead say, “You’re right about how Christians have behaved and treated you. And on behalf of a Christianity that has not represented Jesus well, I am sorry. TRULY sorry.”

Powerful. These words are dangerous. 7 years ago when i was trapped in my darkness and having affairs and being caught up in open relationships my bff at the time cut me loose because i was not walking the walk. She said i hate the sin but love you…i was devestated. No one could get the darkness i was grappling with. i was left for dead…

i am a Christian. i get the darkness…our love shines best when we love no strings attached. the passage of gay marriage is hitting a nerve in conservative circles because 1. ‘Merica as they know it is is becoming undone.
2. Most conservatives don’t want to look at the evil in their own hearts. Mouthed morality is safer than looking at their own brokeness.
3. Personally it is a hard issue. i had to cut my moms loose not because they are gay but because they were emotionally and sexually verbally abusive.

Jesus…is all i know. and i ask that daily my own fear be quelled to love as he loved. And yes i struggle…to love.

What a blessing to read this blog this morning. My feelings on what it is to be Christian (besides being fallible like the rest of the world) pretty much mirror yours.

Have found that the harder it is for someone to identify with another the harder it becomes to ‘love one another’…not saying it can’t be done. The face to face encounters do make it easier because we then recognize each other’s humanity more readily.

Having been answering some ‘hate’ posts with my belief of what a Christian is and for me although the work is sometimes hard because we, all of us, are imperfect beings. I don’t necessarily lead with the words “I am Christian” but with the fact that I am a follower of Christ. Doesn’t mean I am perfect (far from it) but it does mean I am working hard to emulate the life and path of Christ, reflecting mainly on the two most important Commandments which are to love God and to love your neighbor (no description included) as yourself. Since there is no spelling out who is our neighbor, it is easy for me to believe that means everyone is our neighbor. Bless you for providing the grace to help others to see this and more…

Matt, I believe wholeheartedly as you do that Jesus loves us all right where we are and we are to love the LGBTQ community in the same way. The question I have for you is: Would Jesus let them know He loves them and leave them were they are at or would he challenge them to follow Him and go and sin no more? And if asked that question, would the LGBTQ individual feel challenged to take up their cross and follow him or that they were being judged by an unfair standard instead of being accepted for who they are?

Roy, thanks for weighing in. I can’t speak to how LGBTQ people would respond to being asked the question you mentioned. Every person will respond differently. My response to a pointed question often depends on how I’m being asked…if it’s a person who honestly cares about me and they are asking in love, I’m open for business. But if it’s someone who says they care, but I’ve never felt that love, my response will most likely be less open. It’s amazing when you truly love someone what you can say to them…because they KNOW you love them.

However…saying is not the point to be made here. Loving is…real life encounters. Relationships. Dinner. Seeing the inside of their home and they yours. Time. Care. Concern.

An amazing thing can happen between people with differing understandings of Christ’s teaching when we keep the focus of sin on ourselves and not “them.”

As far as Jesus leaving them where they are, it is the holy spirit’s job to convict and my job to love. The greatest command is to love God with all of our heart, mind, soul and strength…AND…to love your neighbor as yourself. If we get this right, we will be looking at our own shortcomings FIRST, fixing what it inside of US…and we’ll let GOD do the job of not leaving someone where they are…or leaving us where we are.

Well Matt, I read the article. Excellent as usual. I couldn’t agree more. I don’t have any transgender friends, but if I did they would be treated with dignity. I was a bullied child in grade school and high school. The girls were the worst at calling me names in grade school. It hurt very much. In high school it became the boys turn to bully me. I overcame the whole thing. There were times I wanted to give up. My parents divorced when I was 13 and being bullied and taunted at school was no fun. My father died when I was 18 and we were estranged. This just adds fuel to the fire of a bullied child with no father to comfort or support a growing boy. I can relate greatly with transgender and homosexual people. The taunting, the bullying and the sheer hatred of some people who don’t understand. So when I read the article Ashes and Grace I wholeheartedly understand their plight. They are loved by me and many others who understand and can relate. And most importantly I believe GOD loves them too. How could he not? Anyway, keep up the great writing. I am reading and listening.

Ooh – this: “They can’t have any positive relationship with them because it would undermine their posture of disapproval, which they believe Scripture requires them to maintain. ” This is what I see. A LOT. And this probably describes a younger and much more rigid me. I hope it does not describe me any more. The disapproval taking precedence over the love. The “I love you but…” is not the kind of love we are called to have.

As I read this blog I could not help but to go back 20 years ago when my “friends” decided that it was not worth their time to “just love me.” After all, their mantra to me was “love the sinner, hate the sin.” The problem with that is Christians are just telling you that you are not worth their time. The pain and heartache came back so strong while reading this. They were not even considering the struggle I had been going through just to accept myself and that God made me just as I am. Every morning I would wake up and wonder why I was still breathing air. These same people, the ones who claimed to be Christians, were in a sense telling me that I did not deserve to breathe the air they breathe.

With my “friends” turning their back on me and feeling as if God didn’t love me, I prayed each night that I would not wake up to see another day. All because of the rejection I felt. I stil shed tears for that yound lady who felt so lost with no one to be Jesus to me, to just love me. Such a very dark time in my life!

Thankfully, God led me to a different church with people, Christians, who have in one way or another, been through similar rejections from Christians in their lives. This church became my Oasis. My refuge in times of trouble. My Sanctuary. Pastor George and the congregation loved me for who I am. They were Jesus to me. They “just loved me.” Slowly, those prayers at night where I prayed I wouldn’t wake up in the morning became prayers of Thanksgiving and hope that I would, indeed, wake up in the morning to see another day.

I write this to tell you that the person in your pews that may be struggling with their sexual identity, sexual orientation, or place in this world are already carrying a heavy load. They are probably already contemplating their worth in this world. Who really cares about them? They could be showing up in your pews this Sunday looking for a glimmer of hope that they do, in fact, matter to someone. Choose carefully what your words are going to be to them. And whatever you do, please get that hurtful phrase out of your mouth “love the sinner but hate the sin.” Your words to them at that moment may be the deciding factor as to whether they wake up to breathe air tomorrow.

As for those many “friends” from college, I have only remained friends with about two of them. They do not judge. They just love me for the wonderful creation God has made in me.

Thanks for being so honest here. I really believe the only way to increase our compassion is by having people who’ve been there courageously tell us their stories.

20 years ago, I wouldn’t have known what to do with you…I was only just beginning to stop playing the role of “Holy Spirit” in the lives of others. Then I had my own personal trip to Hell and back with alcoholism, (I realize these are not comparable), saw my own brokenness, and needed and SURVIVED off of the compassion of others.

Again, thanks for sound advice. “Love the sinner, hate the sin” is a tired old cliche that only broadens the gap between us.

Matt,
I can not express how thankful I am for you writing this article. I can only hope that more people would approve the LGBTQ+ community from such a place of love and respect. I grew up in a family that was very active in the church, I attended a small chritian school, I loved going to VBS, both my parents served in the church, and as soon as I was able to I got involved with the special need children’s program. When I was 13 I came out to my family and while it was better than many stories I’ve heard it was far from easy. Over the past four and a half years I have been met with more coldness and hatred then I could have imagined, people who I had known my whole life simply turned their backs on me or even worse attacked me. I turned to other places to find love and support and wound up in a very dark place, by the end of my freshmen year it had gotten to the point where I actually left for a year to get help. Over the past year since I have come home I have been blessed with a community through a program called Indiana Youth Group, and I can say without a doubt that they have saved my life. I have of yet to return to church on any sort of regular basis, but I no longer feel ashamed of who I am. I know who I am, I know what I belive, and I am loved regardless of who I choose to love.

Em- You definitely are brave for coming out at such a young age. You are beautifully and wonderfully made!! God is love and please keep your eye on God and not the people of the church. The only thing that matters is your personal relationship with a loving God that has placed you in the right spot with the Indiana Youth Group. I understand the struggle of returning to church simply because you do not want that hurt again. I am still walking that path. Please know that you are not alone in this journey. Others are walking beside you also.

Matt, we have not met, but I am the new publisher at David C Cook (taking over for Alex Field). Our national accounts manager, Jeremy Potter, forwarded this post to me. I just wanted to say, first of all, that I am excited about the fact that Cook is publishing your upcoming book, Finding God in the Ruins.

I was deeply moved by your post. Actually, as a dad to three daughters, I cried when you shared about your friend Ashley and her grief over her dad no longer being able to see her from the inside out. And as it moved me to tears, it made me also realize that our Father loves us more than that–more than I can ever love my three girls. So how much more does He love all His creation–gay, straight, or otherwise? Thank you for challenging me and inspiring me to work at genuine and real-life encounters with the gay relatives and friends in my life. I still am working through my thoughts and emotions about gay marriage, but I have a hunch that God is more concerned–at least speaking for myself–about how I can love people in more visceral, tangible, actionable ways. I think I need to start there…

My friend Catherine introduced me to your writing, and I’m so grateful. As a Christian who prays daily for LGBTQ reconciliation with the church, your words give me hope. Thank you for showing these hurting souls what a true Christ follower looks like.