General Question

Should I discuss my feelings with my spouse before going to therapy?

Hi fluther. I’m not new; this is an alias. Sorry this is a bit of a read, but I’m hoping to get some help.

Background:
I’m married and have 2 children. Since I can remember I’ve had problems with depression. For the past year, it’s been far worse (since the birth of my second child). I’m having fantasies of leaving my family. It’s really hard to say this, but it’s true. This would of course include divorce. In my fantasy, the kids are not living with me, though I have joint custody and will see them very very often. Trust me, I feel like a load of crap for even thinking it. Occasionally I don’t feel that there is an answer and resort to fleeting thoughts of suicide. Do I love my husband in the romantic sense? The answer is “I don’t know.” There is no question that I love my children absolutely.

He knows I’m unhappy and irritable. He knows I feel like escaping sometimes, but I don’t think he has any clue just how hopeless and lost I feel.

I’m finally able to go see a therapist at the end of this month. I tried before but there were insurance issues. My question is, do I discuss all this before I go, or wait until I get advice from my therapist to bring anything up with him? I broke down to one of my best friends recently and told him everything. He thinks I shouldn’t say anything until I get help. He knows very well what depression can do and thinks I might be a whole different person if I simply give therapy, and maybe even medication a try.

The clincher- my husband said when I first booked my appointment, “They’re going to talk you into divorcing me because that’s what therapists do.” So, on one hand I don’t want to bring up issues that might not even exist after I get help. On the other, I want him to know that my thoughts are my own and anything that may come of us was not influenced by a therapist.

I hope this makes sense. Also, I’m not really looking to be judged on character here, so please refrain.

Thanks.

P.S. The thought of bringing my husband and children any pain makes me sick. I don’t want them to ever be hurt, especially if I can prevent it.

45 Answers

Of course you should. You should always talk to your spouse when ever you need to. Your husband should undertand what you’re going through. If your husband and/or kids can’t feel how you need help, maybe you should see a therapist. Although he may not want to listen, honestly, he has to. He made a commitment to you that he will always be there , so they should listen. I read that he knows about your sadness, so he may feel bad about this. He loves you, he didn’t just marry you for the heack of it. He married you for a reason.

I’m really sorry for how you’re feeling. I hope you can get better.

(P.S. – - Don’t leave your family. Deep down you may feel that you love them ever so deeply. Trust me, I almost ran away from home, and stil fantasize about to this day. But, I’m glad I didn’t run away. Don’t leave your family, they love you to death. Just talk to them, be sincere. Really convince them to help you with what you’re going through. Best of luck.- -)

I see a therapist and I would suggest talking to them first. I’m in a similar boat, even down to my mom not wanting me to see one since she thinks they will turn me against her. And I’m 34 years old but I can tell it upsets her. In reality the counseling makes me understand where she is coming from so I hate her less.

Talk, talk, and talk. Wow. I am so sorry that you are feeling this bad.
I know 2 people who have committed suicide in less than a year. They were both married with kids. Depression is no joke, and it can lead to people doing some serious shit that they would not have done if they were not suffering from depression. Note: depression isn’t the rational response to a less-than-perfect situation. You need to get help. Now. Forget the insurance crap. Get help. Tons of it. No matter what is going on right now in your life, it is not permanent. I can get better. A shit ton better.

That said, once you take care of this depression, you will need to deal with your family/husband.

I’ve been there and done that. I would strongly suggest talking to the therapist first. They can help you sort out whether some of your problems come from your marriage, whether they come from the depression etc.

I was extremely mad at my husband throughout portions of my depression. But most of that anger came from being depressed about other things and not him. I had a boat load of crap to deal with but he was the one that was with me so he got the brunt of angst and ire because of the stupid crap he’d do.

My therapist was great at helping me work through the stuff I needed to work through and he also prompted me to remember all the really great things about my husband.

In the end I have a great marriage, great kids and I’m not depressed anymore.

I feel your pain. I know your pain. I used to have a fantasy of leaving my spouse and children and living on the streets, under a bridge somewhere. I just wanted away.

A few things to keep in mind- divorce is never like you dream it- you are not gaining any peace. In fact you lose a lot of control, respect and in many ways it is a worse hell than the one you are in now.

You should see the therapist first. You need to clear your mind enough to see the big picture.

Once you have more clarity you will be able to proceed.

Also- please note that your depression could be partially post-partum induced. If you have not considered an anti-depressant to get you through this time please consider it if offered. In my case it saved my life- I realized I could laugh again. I realized I could enjoy the world and those I love. I later weaned myself off them and am now still in a good place.

What ever you do- do not give in to suicide. You will laugh again. You will be enthralled with life once more. And for what it is worth I admire you for taking the steps you need to get in a better place.

It depends on the state of communication that you have with your husband. Ideally, you should be able to tell him that you’re depressed and seeking help, that a healthier you means a healthier relationship for both of you, and that you would really appreciate his support. But if you guys aren’t good at communicating, if you fight, if he’s defensive, then wait and get guidance from your therapist on how to open a dialogue with him.

First: Good for you for choosing therapy. There is no character judgement besides saying you are brave to make this step because it is hard to acknowledge when you can’t handle your feelings on your own. Whoever you are, I’m really proud of you for taking action.

I’m new to therapy too and it helps so much. I’ll probably be in the minority opinion saying I wouldn’t give the details to your husband before you start your counseling. Depression breeds feelings that aren’t necessarily reflecting your true self. Unloading those on him when he’s already nervous about your seeking help would hurt him and make him more afraid. Be very honest and open with your therapist. Deal with these issues and sort out your real emotions.

Congratulations! You are on the path to feeling better already. You’ll get there.

I agree with seeing a therapist first. I am not sure how to respond to your husband’s misguided fear that therapists encourage divorce. Perhaps you and he could have joint therapy sessions, especially if that helps you have a conversation that focuses on your marriage and allows you to tell him what is going on in your mind.

Just emphasize to your husband that you have issues that you have to work on. He already knows that you are not yourself, so tell him to be as patient and supportive as he can since this is what you need right now. Don’t go into more detail with him until after seeing the therapist and getting medication. After you tackle the problem at its root, you will be able to see things more clearly and have a different approach.
I wish you all the strength and courage possible, it’s a long road but you’ll get to the end of it and still be with your family.

Let me put it this way. If you were in acute physical pain progressively getting worse (such as that indicating appendicitis or similar) would you get yourself promptly to the ER for a professional diagnosis or would you sit around talking to your husband about it hoping that might solve the problem ?

I think the answer to that is obvious. Right now you are in a worsening state of acute emotional pain (that’s what suicidal thoughts are indicative of) and the first priority should be getting a professional diagnosis and whatever help is prescribed to get you out of crisis mode.

THEN you can decide, in a more level headed way, what issues (if any) remain to be resolved in your marriage. Your husband is not the cause of your depression so talking to him right now would just leave too much possibility of your saying hurtful things you will later regret.

Your depression is most likely the result of a chemical/hormonal imbalance (very probably post-partum) which is clouding your rational thinking.

You know you don’t really want to abandon your kids and family. It just FEELS like it. Feelings change. That’s why you recognize your need for therapy. You know that you don’t want to be at the mercy of the most extremely destructive of these feelings.

Lifting the fog of depression could take some time. But once you are more clear headed about what you truly want to do or not do, there’s plenty of time to sort through priorities and decide what issues you need to discuss with your husband. And your therapist can help guide you through some problem solving techniques for the two of you to use as guidelines.

I honestly don’t really see any advantage to dumping all of your disproportionately negative feelings on your husband right now. You recognize how out of balance you are and that’s the time for professional help.

Your husband doesn’t have any training in how to handle the extremes of your emotions. A therapist does. That’s whom you should be dumping on. That’s what therapist get paid for.

However, you could reassure your husband by letting him know that he is not the cause of your misery. That is the honest truth. These overwhelming emotions are coming from your own imbalance not from his oppressiveness (unless he has you locked up in a basement dungeon torturing you).

It’s good that you’re seeking help now while you can still recognize how out of whack these emotions are compared to your true inner self rather than waiting until you can no longer resist the darker impulses. That’s what depression can do if allowed to take over. It will get better.

And once it does, you and your husband can have far more productive conversations than are possible right now when you are so beset with the negativity of depression. Once it begins to lift (and it will) you’ll look back and be surprised at how you could have ever felt the way you do right now.

Regarding the comments about husbands concern being a red flag- please do not judge him harshly.

The role of a husband is a protector.

Your need to see a therapist and your obvious pain could very well feel to him like he has personally failed in his duty to make you happy. Add to this the feeling that he is losing you emotionally already. He is afraid but will not show it.

He is worried that you are going to leave him and expressed it with his comment. I do NOT think this comment in any way was an attempt to discourage you from getting healthy.

Just let it go for now and please do not think the worse of him for expressing his fears.

@Buttonstc I need to clear some things up, it seems. Some things I just plain disagree with. I can’t help but feel like you have the idea that telling my husband all this would be his punishment somehow. He’s not the source of my depression, I never said he was, or even remotely thought that. Not in the slightest. He has done more for me than anyone I’ve ever known. I have no anger toward him. He is not oppressive or abusive in any way. This is about me finding my true self, which seems to have been lost since I got married and had children. The idea is that I let him in on how I’m feeling now so that it will soften the blow for him later if I still feel like leaving him. I don’t want to “dump” anything on him. This is about me preserving as much of his feelings as I can by gradually letting him in on my thoughts rather than springing it on him after therapy. And I never said I wanted to abandon my family. In fact, I said that I wanted to be very much in my children’s lives. And I just plain disagree with you saying that my husband doesn’t have training on how to “handle my emotions”... He shouldn’t have to! A spouse should take your extreme highs and lows with open arms. That’s what a marriage is. I would do the same for him in a heartbeat. There are reasons to wait to talk to him about these things, but him not being trained to handle my emotions is not one of them.

Go see the therapist. Anything you would tell your spouse right now may come from your depression and so you may say things you wish you didn’t say. If however you feel you may become a danger to yourself or someone else than please seek help more immediately. Don’t wait till the end of the month. Call a hot line center or something that can help you maybe find someone sooner.
I think your husbands response is because he knows you are unhappy and may feel that you think him responsible for that.
You say you have always suffered from depression. I would remind him that your depression was something you always had.
I hope its something that is easily fixed for you. Maybe a change in hormones, like from the baby blues.
I certainly wish you the best. For now work on taking care of yourself. You can’t help others if you are having a hard time taking care of yourself. So don’t add more to the pot.

Okay, so would it be a good or bad idea to ask him if he wants to discuss our relationship before I go to therapy? I can’t help but feel like if I wait until after I see a therapist he would think, “Why didn’t she just tell me all this before?” Almost like I was hiding something from him or betraying him by being silent. It’s just a concern.

You’ve all been a great help. I’m still conflicted, but there are more things to consider now.

IMO you don’t need a therapist…I believe a marriage counselor or a divorce attorney is more in order as you seem to already have your mind made up. Do your family a huge favor and be honest with them so they can begin to prepare for your departure.

@Hatchling It is indeed true that one should be able to confide in their spouse. However I would remind you that he is in the role of “fixer” and will be trying to fix what is wrong. It could be adding a lot of stress.

@Cruiser I disagree vehemently.
She is not seeking a way to exit. She is seeking a way to stay.Becoming a spouse and parent is a huge change for most. It is a loss of self. Loss of dreams. She is not being selfish. She is just trying to keep herself as she keeps her family. Please cut her some slack.

Male or female, how many people just walk away from their families. It is not because they do not love them. It is likely because they are overwhelmed and feel totally lost. Soon they lose who they are and feel they have nothing of value to offer their loved ones.

This user sees what is happening and seeks to stop it. I respect this highly. Walking away is easy. Staying is harder but brings great rewards. If she works through it she can be not only a happy wife and mother, but a great role model for her kids.

@Hatchling It might be good to do both. God knows, I’m not qualified to be telling you what to do, but it doesn’t hurt to talk to other sources of help. I’ll tell what I would prefer if I was in your husband’s shoes, and that would be an honest open discussion. There’s two sides to any relationship and I think they each deserve, 100 percent, to know what’s going on. But the biggest thing is get the help you need to get yourself better.

@Hatchling I think you need to talk to the therapist first to see where all these feelings of depression are coming from. I think it is quite possible that once you start treatment and have some time to work through some of your feelings you’ll find that you love your husband and want to stay in the relationship.

My experience was that for 3 or 4 years I thought I wanted to split from my hubby, sort of, but when I really thought about it I knew I didn’t want to. All the feelings of wanting to run away stemmed from me wanting some distance from the turmoil that was happening within me. In reality running wouldn’t have solved a damn thing and would have made my life and the life of my family just that much harder.

That being said, you could finally come to the conclusion that your marriage just isn’t want you want it to be. From what you’ve written about your husband thus far I really don’t think that is the case.

Another thing that I maybe didn’t make clear is that in my discussion, I wouldn’t say “I want to leave you.” I would say, “I sometimes have fantasies where I live alone, without you and the kids.” This is the truth. I don’t know if it makes a difference.

@Hatchling I think you need to ask yourself what you want. Talking to your husband would go along way here too! But I read your words and your description of your desire to not have custody of your own children tells me there is more than depression going on here. If you have marital issues your husband deserves to be involved in your decision making process. If there are other issues then that is where the marriage counselor can help. Your words describe a woman who is running from a pile of problems that simply may be overwhelming you and trying to do this on your own may not be the best choice. Reach out to those that can help you here.

@Hatchling – I’ve skimmed the responses and am just going to answer you from my own experience. Depression on the part of one spouse can make a mess of a marriage. I came very close. And throw in my spouse who suffers from what I call “constant low-grade depression,” and it could have gotten ugly. What helped was medication and talk-therapy. I’m down to about one issue now, and I’m still trying to work that out. I need to stop trying to do it alone though! Interestingly, he has been going through some things that seem to be working him a little bit out of his depression.

My opinion – Tell your spouse that you are going to therapy because you want to get your head on straight so that you can be a better person, wife, friend and mother. (I’m not saying you’re bad at any of those things, just so you know.) Tell him that your intention is not to leave him (which is what I’m getting from your posts) but to figure out what you can do to make things better for yourself. With the consequence of making things better for everyone. And that you will not make any unilateral decisions about your life together without talking to him.

I think that’s all I would tell him. Don’t get specific and if he pushes you, tell him that you want to talk to an outside, trained party because you need clarity. Then, dump everything you can on your therapist. That’s what you’re paying for.

Lastly, know that there is hope. It won’t be easy, and sometimes it will feel downright difficult, but you can do this.

First of all, you are on the right track in identifying all the various aspects of this so I am very proud of you. Second of all, I know women are socialized to think they’re scum if they feel they’re not up to handling a family life and/or children they have given birth to. It is always expected that fathers will leave but never the mother which is simply fantasy bs and do not feel bad in looking to solve your situation. So many others let these same issues go unchecked and end up being homicidal maniacs or fall to victims of self-harm and suicide. You have one life to live and you owe it to yourself, your spouse and your children to live it to the fullest, to live it honestly and to strive for happiness for all involved.

I am glad you have a friend to confide in and he is right in saying that it is possible that therapy or medication might help you see things in a new light. Of course, the other side is that you don’t have depression, there’s nothing wrong with you mentally and you really shouldn’t be with your husband anymore. Now, moving on to your husband’s reaction..seems to me he already senses what’s going on with you and is making a strike by saying someone will convince you to get divorced so that he can say later ‘i told you so’ when (if) you might decide to divorce him. I think your best course of action and this is just what I would do myself is to tell him that, in fact, you have considered divorce and many other scenarios and are going to therapy to actually figure out if that’s the best scenario for all involved. Further, if you feel you need it, couple’s therapy might help as well, though your husband will probably protest about that too. If he does, that’s a red flag.

@HatchlingI can’t help but feel like if I wait until after I see a therapist he would think, “Why didn’t she just tell me all this before?”
You can explain that you wasn’t sure if it was what you were honestly feeling or a bi-product of your illness. You needed to be certain.
When I was pregnant with my son, my hormones where all over the place. I said things that I knew I would normally never say. I wasn’t able to see the difference in my behavior until after I gave birth and my hormones where balanced again. I had to say a ton of I’m sorry after that. I was an emotional roller coaster and my husband thought he had entered the haunted house. During that time I thought all of his behavior was horrible. There was nothing he could do right. I cried a lot and argued a lot. His behavior wasn’t what had changed. It was mine.
When I was able to look back and remember incidents I realized how unreasonable I was being at the time. I actually would even get angry with him for going to work.
If you want for now. You can explain it in this manner and tell him you will tell him more as theraphy progresses. Maybe you can talk to your doctor about your husband joining in some times so he can see there is nothing underhanded going on.

@Hatchling I have been both unhappy with my marriage (divorced now, it was a really good idea for me, btw, so it does bring peace to some, though I kept the child of that marriage with me) and I’ve dealt with depression/panic attacks for years as well as psychiatric help, therapy and meds. This is a good step, articulation. So hard, you know? I’m always available via PM as well. Oh, I have since remarried, had another kid, it’s like that life never even existed though I do have to deal with my ex-husband every once in a while and he generally drives me crazy.

You’ve come this far. If I were you I would wait a little longer and talk to the therapist. Once you’ve said things to your husband, you can’t unsay them; but therapy will help you think about things, and then what you want to say may be different.

The therapist isn’t going to judge you as derelict in your duty if you haven’t exhausted all other remedies before seeing him. Go as you are and be as honest as possible. Wherever you doubt your ability to see to the bottom of your feelings, say so.

If you’re concerned that your husband will think it’s not really you talking after starting therapy, you could write down your feelings beforehand but not show it to him. It’s just there, with a date on it, if you need something to remind you later.

I think you should tell your husband exactly how you feel. I don’t think it will come as a complete surprise to him and he may be relieved. Children, especially when very young, can make you feel trapped but though you may feel responsible for them you also have a responsibility to yourself and your own happiness. You should explore how you might achieve happiness and you should see if you can do this with the agreement of your husband. From what you have said your husband knows something is wrong and he may be glad that you are attempting to put it right.

@Hatchling Over the last two or three years, something very similar happened to me. I started thinking about wanting a divorce. In my case it was because I felt useless and I felt that I was a bad person (for cheating), and that I didn’t deserve anything good in life.

My wife realized that something was wrong, and she got me to a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. After that I got a therapist of my own, and we also got a couples therapist. They were both very helpful.

I don’t know why you want a divorce, but I think you need to know, if you don’t already know. That reason is the problem you face.

I find that people have a lot of misconceptions about therapy. First off, they think the therapist will tell you what to do. I’ve heard of therapists that do that, but personally, I don’t think that’s their job. Their job is to help me figure out what I want to do, and once I figure that out, they are to help me do it. Their job is to make sure I understand the consequences of my actions. Their job is to respect the choices I make.

Your therapist should help you sort that out, and it doesn’t matter whether you’re thinking of divorce or you’re trying to figure out why you have bad dreams—if you feel you need help, then you go to a therapist. Your husband should want you to go because it will make you happier, and if you are happier, he will be happier, even if you decide you need a divorce. However, if you do want a divorce, I would hope you also get couples counseling as well as individual counseling.

Should you discuss all your issues with your husband before you go? Why do you think you should? Is that what you think a marriage is? Do you think you’re supposed to share everything? Why?

My spouse was very supportive of me getting counseling. She knew it could save our marriage. You have never spoken to your husband about your desire to leave, but he surely feels it. He may be afraid of it. It seems like he is afraid of it and is already thinking negatively about your marriage (if you get therapy, you’ll get a divorce).

If you tell him you have things to sort out and need help, I hope he will be supportive. But I don’t think you are ready to talk to him about everything yet. A therapist will help you figure out how to do that. How to say things so he can hear them.

I didn’t really want a divorce. I loved my wife. But I was too depressed to be able to believe she could love me. To be honest, I thought that if I left, I would eventually end up homeless. I had a gutter all picked out.

I think you believe it’s better to get therapy first, but you are concerned about how your husband will react. And indeed, he probably will be fearful of what will happen to you in therapy. He has already spoken his fear. I don’t think it would be helpful to tell him that it’s the opposite. You’re in therapy to save your marriage, not get out of it.

If you tell him now, it will be very difficult. Will he be resentful later that you spoke to a therapist first? If he is, then that’s on him. You do not owe him a chance to beat you up. I think you’ll just have to explain it as best you can, and let him know that as soon as you sort anything out, he will be the first to know. And tell him you love him. Whether you feel passion or not. My guess is that you do love him. I don’t think you would do all this if you didn’t.

And listen to the folks who are talking about post partum depression. You might do well to see a psychiatrist to see if you need meds. Your thinking could be off base due to chemical issues in your brain. But I do not want to invalidate your thoughts at all by suggesting you have a brain disorder. I know what it’s like. My psychiatrist kept on telling me not to make any major decisions while depressed. Always wait three months, he said.

So I did, and I no longer felt the need to get divorced, but the stuff underlying that desire to split from my wife was still there. That stuff—I don’t know if it will ever go away. But all that therapy has been worth it, and would be worth whether I “save” my marriage or not. Do this for yourself. Your husband will survive. You can’t take care of everyone. Especially not when you feel like this.

@wundayatta Thank you, that was a lot to write. I don’t feel that spouses should share every little detail. I just think that I should give him a heads up, he deserves some warning, in case I do decide not to stay with him. But, at this moment I’m leaning toward not saying anything to him until therapy. I absolutely agree that this may be from postpartum depression. I actually talked to my obgyn about it during my 6 week checkup after the baby was born (last year), but he seemed to think I needed to give it more time and that I needed to get out of the house more. But it’s been over a year now, and I’m sure that the baby blues have played their part in this.

Ok there has been alot of advice already. I’m not sure you should ever say these things to your husband unless you are sure you are going to leave. Once it is out there is no taking it back in again. Depression can make you think differently. Maybe you just need some time to yourself, possibly some medication, and generally more time to look after yourself. The problem may be inside of you. Don’t just ‘throw up’ all this rubbish onto your family…because there is no taking it back.

It may be a post-partum depression which is quite common after the birth of a baby. I had it after the birth of my second child. If you have a good therapist, it shouldn’t take too long to get to the bottom of it. Look up the condition. Then tell your husband that you think you may have it and are going to see someone to find out. Do not act on your fantasies!