I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.

20 things more enjoyable than a migraine

by Tyler Hansen on September 7, 2012

I went to bed at 5:47 p.m. last night because I had a migraine. Apparently, the only way to get rid of a migraine is by going to bed no matter what time of day it is or how wide awake you are. (Doctors can prescribe magical pills for these headaches, but rumor has it that the pill is either laced with heroin or takes you inside The Matrix.)

A migraine is the most god-awful ruiner of life there is. For me, it starts with a flickering light that leaves me temporarily blind in my left eye. It’s at that point that I know I will soon be tormented by a vicious whore of a headache.

The forewarning is the worst part. If I just suddenly had a throbbing headache, maybe I wouldn’t hate it so much. Instead, the blinding light lasts for 30 minutes before the pain even sets in. It’s like a friend telling you, “I’m going to borrow your car, leave a smelly dead body in the trunk and then break your taillights so a cop pulls you over.”

Yes, it is that bad. That’s the perfect comparison, actually.

I can’t say for sure that my night would have been very exciting sans migraine, but it sure as hell would’ve been better than going to bed before 6 p.m. like a 5-month old infant.

While trying to fall asleep as sunlight still poured through the bedroom window, I tried to think of experiences that are worse than migraines. I couldn’t think of a single thing. But in 18 seconds I came up with a list of 20 experiences that, despite being torturous, are still better than having your life ruined by a Nazi-approved headache.

20 things more enjoyable than a migraine

1. Death by bulldozer

2. Eating trash

3. Wetting your pants in front of your boss on the first day of work

4. Wetting your boss’ pants on the first day of work

5. Tying your shoes together and trying to run from a bear

6. Being a drug mule

7. Having voluntary surgery to remove your eyelids

8. Telling Mike Tyson he can throw the first punch

9. Swallowing a hammer

10. Playing the Chuck-E-Cheese band’s music on repeat

11. Wearing underwear made of fiberglass

12. Swimming in shark-infested waters with no arms and a bloody nose

13. Asking a police officer if you can borrow some cocaine

14. Using a rattlesnake as a pillow

15. Tandem skydiving with a piano and no parachute

16. Running as fast as you can down the face of a mountain

17. Putting out a campfire by smothering it with your body

18. Robbing a bank and telling the teller you’re not in a hurry

19. Snorting dried bird poop

20. Delivering a 19-pound baby while rotting in prison for a crime you didn’t commit

Note to self: reading anything you write out loud to my brother before reading it first to myself is not a good idea. I couldn’t stop laughing, and my words weren’t exactly recognizable as such by any means. It sounded more like hysterical psychobabble. But after repeating myself in a more coherent fashion, you now have a new follower.