Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow!

As you might have heard if you don't live here, the Eastern half of Canada and the United States received some of the heaviest snowfalls in recent memory this year.

Where the hell is global warming when you need it!!!

A Friend of mine kept a dairy about the whole snow thing, which his wife donated to the Perspective research department, since he is in no shape to do anything for a while!

DIARY OF A DEMENTED SNOW SHOVELER

December 8 6:00 P.M.It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. Th temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 1520 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 246 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the darn slop tonight - Snowed in The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 2910 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother.Nine more inches predicted.

December 31I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.

Why am I tied to the bed?

P.S. I was talking to a guy from Microsoft tech support yesterday and he is in India! He tells me he has NEVER seen snow, but if you want to see a lot of rain, go there in the Monsoon season!

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God(What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

3 Comments:

Oh My God!! I loved this! My husband and I have spent many past years trying to be the first one to see the first snow and then call the other. And by March we are screaming at the skies when we see snowflakes!

I know for a fact that 2-3 feet of snow in 2 days is enough, already, plus the stuff we have ...............holy cow!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...................thx for sharing, but I really did not know to be reminded ( I just look out the window) HAHA............... :O)