Why Do We Refer to Ourselves in the Third Person When We Talk to Our Kids?

I often speak to my two- and three-year-old in the third person, as if their presence transforms me into Jimmy from “Seinfeld.” Jimmy’s penchant for calling himself by his first name causes confusion and laughs for the characters on the show.

My habit isn’t triggering any laugh tracks in real life, but it’s a curious thing to do, and I know I’m not the only parent who does it. On any given day, you might hear me say, “Hang on, sweetie. Mommy will get it for you,” or, “Sit down. Mommy will put on your shoes.”

Why? The habit of referring to one’s self by name, instead of saying “I” or “me” is called illeism, and some famous people, like Bob Dole and LeBron James, are known for speaking this way in public. But many more of us just seem to do it around our babies and toddlers. I dug around for formal studies to explain the phenomenon, but came up empty handed.

I did find the question posted in several chat forums, though. While a few people took the opportunity to express their annoyance with this parenting quirk, one logical reason surfaced:language acquisition. Until they’re two or three years old, pronouns are really confusing for children. It’s why some kids actually refer to themselves in the third person while they parse out the mechanics of language (just like Elmo from “Sesame Street”).

Using stable nouns like “Mommy” and “Daddy” help children follow the back and forth of conversation more easily than transferrable pronouns like “I,” “you,” and “me,” but how do we know to do this around our kids? After having my daughter, I read a lot of “what to expect” articles, and while they often encouraged parents to talk to our babies to support their cognitive and language development, I don’t remember them coaching us to speak in the third person, like Seinfeld’s Jimmy.

Maybe it’s instinctive

Perhaps we just know that we should simplify our speech around children who are learning our language. On the other hand, we don’t start speaking in the third person when we meet a person who isn’t fluent in English, so what is it about our kids that makes us talk this way?

Pet owners sometimes turn to illeism with their animals, but their goal certainly isn’t to teach their pets proper pronouns usage. Maybe the practice just comes from a place of love, but, I love my husband and my family, and I don’t talk this way with them either.

Maybe it’s a learned behavior

If our parents spoke like this to us, then we may model the same conversation style to our children. That’s true for me. My mother and father turned on the Jimmy talk with my brothers and me when we were young, and they do it now with their grandkids. But my husband actually doesn’t speak in the third person to our children, even though his parents do.

Plus, a study found that, even if we’re prone to Jimmy talk, parents use the pronouns “you,” “I,” “we,” and “me” significantly more than we say “Mommy” or “Daddy” when speaking directly to our kids. In fact, we say “I” almost 17 times more often than we say “Mommy.”

Maybe it’s situational

Some of us must be subconsciously compelled to refer to ourselves in the third person at certain times, and I have a theory on when we’re more likely to do it. Parents call themselves “Mommy” or “Daddy” when we’re stressed by something our kids are doing, or when we’re serving them in some way.

In times of stress

When we’re stressed, we may speak in the third person to assert our dominance over the situation. We tend to assume that when a person refers to themselves by name, they’re egotistical. Yet sometimes people use this style of speech as a coping mechanism. When they’ve taken on some kind of bigger role in their lives, illeism helps them adjust (think Bob Dole running for president). Speaking in the third person “enlarges us to fit in that role.”

I can think of no bigger role to fill than that of a parent, so maybe we start referring to ourselves in the third person around our kids to feel in control of the novel situations we encounter (“Shhh, Mommy’s here, you don’t need to cry,”), or when we want “to indicate that the topic is not open for debate.” (“Don’t climb on the counter! Mommy will get you the snack.”)

It’s normal to think of our kids as an extension of ourselves, especially when they’re very young and need constant care and attention. We think nothing of cleaning schmutz off their face by licking our finger or wiping a booger out of their nose — so it makes sense that in tense situations with our little appendages, our illeism shows itself to diffuse our stress. (“Mommy needs five minutes to herself. Stop banging on the bathroom door.”)

In times of servitude

Historically, speaking in the third person implied humility (“Your servant awaits your orders”), so when we’re caring for our kids, we might be implying the same kind of thing. (“Mommy will get you a bottle.”)

We may also channel our inner Jimmy when we lose a sense of ourselves with our kids. I’ve read enough blog articles reminding me to make time for myself to know that it’s easy and all too common to let our role of mom or dad take over our lives. So maybe the frequency of our illeism can give us a clue as to how deep in the weeds of tending to our little ones we really are.

Maybe it’s all of the above

No matter the reason I do it, I plan to continue referring to myself as “Mommy” when I speak to my kids and trust that the habit will naturally fade away over time. There’s no harm in it. If anything, speaking this way helps our kids understand us better.

I’m still curious about this particular form of speech, though, because it seems to be unique to parents. Is it more common to speak this way or not? Do women do it more than men? Do men and women do it for different reasons? Is it a cultural thing? Do pet owners speak this way to their animals even after they’ve had kids?

Refer to yourselves in the third person whenever you please, but let me know in the comments when and why you think you do it. Maybe together we can figure out once and for all just why turning into parents also turns us into Jimmy.

Rebecca Lang lives in San Francisco with her husband and two children. She writes about the world of stay-at-home moms, preschool, and the playground. She's the editor for San Francisco Moms Blog and has been published on a variety of parenting sites, including Scary Mommy, YourTango, and Sammiches & Psych Meds.

Did you hear that? That was the sound of Nordstrom and Maisonette making all your kid's summer wardrobe dreams come true.

Nordstrom partnered with Maisonette to create the perfect in-store pop-up shop from May 24th-June 23rd, featuring some of our favorite baby and kids brands, like Pehr, Zestt Organics, Lali and more. (Trust us, these items are going to take your Instagram feed to the next level of cuteness. 😍) Items range from $15 to $200, so there's something for every budget.

Pop-In@Nordstrom x Maisonette

Maisonette has long been a go-to for some of the best children's products from around the world, whether it's tastefully designed outfits, adorable accessories, or handmade toys we actually don't mind seeing sprawled across the living room rug. Now their whimsical, colorful aesthetic will be available at Nordstrom.

For decades, doctors have prescribed progesterone, one of the key hormones your body needs during pregnancy, to prevent a miscarriage. The hormone, produced by the ovaries, is necessary to prepare the body for implantation. As the pregnancy progresses, the placenta produces progesterone, which suppresses uterine contractions and early labor.

But a new study out of the UK finds that administering progesterone to women experiencing bleeding in their first trimester does not result in dramatically more successful births than a placebo. Yet, for a small group of mothers-to-be who had experienced "previous recurrent miscarriages," the numbers showed promise.

The study, conducted at Tommy's National Centre for Miscarriage Research at the University of Birmingham in the UK, is the largest of its kind, involving 4,153 pregnant women who were experiencing bleeding in those risky (and nerve-wracking) early weeks. The women were randomly split into two groups, with one group receiving 400 milligrams of progesterone via a vaginal suppository, and the other receiving a placebo of the same amount. Both groups were given the suppositories through their 16th week of pregnancy.

Of the group given progesterone, 75% went on to have a successful, full-term birth, compared to 72% for the placebo.

As the study notes, for most women, the administration of progesterone "did not result in a significantly higher incidence of live births than placebo." But for women who had experienced one or two previous miscarriages, the result was a 4% increase in the number of successful births. And for women who had experienced three or more recurrent miscarriages, the number jumped to a 15% increase.

Dr. Arri Coomarasamy, Professor of Gynecology at the University of Birmingham and Director of Tommy's National Centre for Miscarriage Research, said the implications for that group are "huge." "Our finding that women who are at risk of a miscarriage because of current pregnancy bleeding and a history of a previous miscarriage could benefit from progesterone treatment has huge implications for practice," he said.

It's estimated that 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. And while even a spot of blood no doubt increases the fear in every expectant mother's mind, bleeding is actually a very common occurrence during pregnancy, Coomarasamy said. Still, first trimester bleeding is particularly risky, with a third of women who experience it going on to miscarry.

So for women who have been through it multiple times, Coomarasamy's findings are an important avenue to explore. "This treatment could save thousands of babies who may have otherwise been lost to a miscarriage," he added.

The study is among a number of recent groundbreaking discoveries made by doctors looking to further understand what causes miscarriages and what can be done to prevent them. While about 70% of miscarriages are attributed to chromosomal abnormalities, doctors recently learned that certain genetic abnormalities, which exist in a small group of parents-to-be, could be discovered by testing the mother and father, as well as the embryo.

Doctors have also discovered that even knowing the sex of your baby could predict the complications a mother may face, thus helping medical professionals to assist in keeping the pregnancy viable.

But while there is no sweeping solution to stop miscarriages, for some couples, the use of progesterone does offer a glimmer of hope. "The results from this study are important for parents who have experienced miscarriage," Jane Brewin, chief executive of Tommy's said. "They now have a robust and effective treatment option which will save many lives and prevent much heartache."

Brewin added that studies like this one are imperative to our understanding of how the creation of life, which remains both a miracle and a mystery, truly works. "It gives us confidence to believe that further research will yield more treatments and ultimately make many more miscarriages preventable," she said.

It's never easy to give up a career and launch a whole new one, but when I decided to end my time as an opera singer and move into the field of sales, I knew I could do it. After all, I had the perfect role model: my mom.

When I was growing up, she worked as a dental hygienist, but when I started college, she took some courses in sales. She was single with two kids in college, which was a driving force to make more money. But above that, she truly had a passion for sales. In no time, she got jobs and excelled at them, ultimately earning her the title of Vendor Representative of the Year at her electronics company.

When I entered the field of sales, an unusual and unexpected twist followed. Several years into my career, I was hired by a different electronics company. My mom and I ended up selling similar products to some of the same businesses. (Neither of our companies realized this, and we have different last names.)

But rather than feeling uncomfortable, I saw this as a great opportunity. She and I were both committed to doing our best. More often than not, she beat me when we went after the same piece of business. But in the process, I learned so much from her. I was able to see how her work ethic, commitment and style drove her success. I had even more to emulate.

Here are some of the biggest business lessons I learned from my working mom:

1. Use your existing skill set to differentiate yourself.

As a dental hygienist, my mom knew how to talk to people and make them feel comfortable. She had also served as a youth leader at three different churches where my dad preached. In each town, she found at-risk kids, brought them together and developed programs for them. She had learned how to help people improve themselves and make their lives better.

In sales, she did the same thing, focusing on how the products or services she was selling could genuinely make a difference in the lives of her customers. Those skills translated seamlessly into her new career.

2. Start strong from day one—don't wait for permission to launch your full potential.

From day one at a job, my mom showed up with energy and vigor to get going. She didn't take time to be tentative. Instead, she leaned into her tasks—the equivalent of blasting out of the gate in a race. Having seen how well this worked for her, I strive to do the same.

3. Have empathy, it's essential.

Many women have been falsely accused of being "too emotional" in business. However, empathy is a necessity and drives better results. As a businesswoman, my mom set herself apart by demonstrating genuine empathy for her clients and her colleagues. She loves getting to know people's stories. That understanding is a key component in her finalizing deals and helping her company reach higher levels of success.

4. Learn often—you're never done building your skill set.

My mom is the reason I spend at least three months out of each year getting a new certification or learning a new skill. She's always working to improve, harness new technologies or develop new competencies—and she's passed on that eagerness to learn to me. She knows that to stay on top, you have to keep learning.

5. Bring on the charm.

By nature, I'm analytical. I like to present the numbers to clients, showing the data to help sway their decisions. And that has its place, but charm is universal. Being someone people want to do business with makes a huge difference. If I had a nickel for every time a prospect told me, "I love your mother," I could retire now! Business, especially sales, is about the connections you make as much as the value you bring.

Our paths have taken our careers in different directions, but along the way, I've done my best to incorporate all these skills. Thank you, mom, for teaching me all this, and much more.

In recent years kids and parents have been straying from kindness, but these Ivy League experts have some great ideas about how today's moms can get the next generation back on track so they can become the caring adults of tomorrow.

Between 2013 and 2014, as part of Harvard's Making Caring Common project, researchers surveyed 10,000 middle and high school students across the nation. They found that no matter what race, class or culture the kids identified with, the majority of the students surveyed valued their own personal success and happiness way more than that of others.

Why do kids value their own success so much more than things like caring and fairness? Well, apparently, mom and dad told them to.

Eighty percent of the 10,000 students said their parents taught them that their own happiness and high achievement were more important than caring for others. (So much for sharing is caring.)

The folks at Harvard say that valuing your own ambition is obviously a good thing (in moderation) in today's competitive world, but prioritizing it so much more than ethical values like kindness, caring and fairness makes kids more likely to be cruel, disrespectful and dishonest.

So how do we fix this? Here's Harvard's four-step plan for raising kinder kids.

1. Help them practice being nice

Giving kids daily opportunities to practice caring and kind acts helps make ethical behavior second nature. They could help you with chores, help a friend with homework or work on a project to help homelessness.

All those tasks would help a child flex their empathy muscles. The key is to increase the challenges over time so your child can develop a stronger capacity for caregiving as they grow.

2. Help them see multiple perspectives

The researchers want kids to “zoom in" and listen closely to the people around them, but also see the bigger picture. “By zooming out and taking multiple perspectives, including the perspectives of those who are too often invisible (such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn't speak their language, or the school custodian), young people expand their circle of concern and become able to consider the justice of their communities and society," the study's authors' wrote.

4. Teach kids to cope with destructive feelings

According to the researchers, the ability to care about others can be overwhelmed by a kid's feelings of anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings. They suggest we teach our kids teach that while all feelings are okay to feel, some ways of dealing with them are not helpful, or kind (for example, “Hitting your classmate might make you happy, but it won't make them happy and isn't very kind. Counting to 10 and talking about why you're mad is more productive than hitting.")

While the folks at Harvard are concerned that so many kids are being taught to value their own happiness above all, they were also encouraged by the students who do prioritize caring and kindness. One of the students surveyed wrote, “People should always put others before themselves and focus on contributing something to the world that will improve life for future generations."

If we follow the advice of Harvard researchers, the world will see more kids that think like that, and that's what future generations need.

[A version of this post was originally published November 8, 2017. It has been updated.]

These days more women are having babies into their 40s, but the idea that women are facing down the biological clock is pretty pervasive—once you're over 35, you automatically receive that "advanced maternal age" classification, while your male partner's age may never even be mentioned. The pressure on older moms is unfair, because according to new research from Rutgers University, men may face age-related fertility decline too and America's dads are getting older.

It's a new idea, but this finding actually takes 40 years worth of research into account—which, coincidentally, is around the age male fertility may start to decline. According to Rutgers researchers, the medical community hasn't quite pinpointed the onset of advanced age, but it hovers somewhere between ages 35 and 45.

Based on previously conducted research, the team behind this study found evidence that men over 45 could put their partners at greater risk for pregnancy complications like gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. Babies born to older fathers also have an increased likelihood of premature birth, late stillbirth, low Apgar scores, low birthweight, newborn seizures and more. The risks appear to exist later in life, too: Research suggests children of older fathers have greater risk of childhood cancers, cognitive issues and autism.

There's been plenty of studies surrounding advanced maternal age, but research on advanced paternal age is pretty slim—scientists don't quite understand how age correlates to these factors at this point. But researchers from Rutgers believe that age-related decline in testosterone and sperm quality degradation may be to blame. "Just as people lose muscle strength, flexibility and endurance with age, in men, sperm also tend to lose 'fitness' over the life cycle," Gloria Bachmann, director of the Women's Health Institute at Rutgers Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, explains in a release for this news.

As we've previously reported, more and more men are waiting until later in life to have children. According to a 2017 Stanford study, children born to fathers over 40 represent 9% of U.S. births, and the average age of first-time fathers has climbed by three-and-a-half years over the past four decades —so this research matters now more than ever, and it may represent the first step towards setting certain standards in place for men who choose to delay parenthood.

The biggest thing to come out of this research may be the need for more awareness surrounding advanced paternal age. This particular study's authors believe doctors should be starting to have conversations with their male patients, possibly even encouraging them to consider banking sperm if they're considering parenthood later in life.

Women certainly tend to be aware of the age-related risks to their fertility, and many regularly hear that they should freeze their eggs if they're not ready for motherhood. And while it's still too early to say whether we'll ever examine paternal age this closely, this research may set a whole new conversation in motion.

Motherly provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. This site does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Information on our advertising guidelines can be found here.