Today’s parents face cultural pressures to overwork and overparent, Schulte said. That’s especially true for women, who she says too often find themselves caught up in “the cult of intensive motherhood” – the title of a chapter in her book. The irony is that they end up distracted, cranky and snapping at the very children on whose behalf they are toiling.

While in Portland, Schulte met with a group of mothers following Kim John Payne’s "Simplicity Parenting" book and was struck by the fact that one mother felt she had to overschedule her children for sports and other extracurriculars because “everybody else is doing it and you worry that your kids are missing out.”

Schulte said it’s important for parents to ask themselves: If we sign up for this, what will our life be like? Is that really how we want to live? Does my child even want to do this? (See Motherlode blogger K.J. Dell’Antonio's “I Refuse to Be Busy” column, which includes her approach to signing up her son for lacrosse.)

Another mother told Schulte that after choosing to stay home with her children, she found that all she was doing was “schlepping them around in the car” to a multitude of activities.

“She was not living the life she wanted to, but the culture around her was so powerful,” Schulte said.

“It’s hard to push back against the status quo,” Schulte acknowledged. “It’s very scary to be the first one out there … particularly when all the chatter is, How could you do that?” Even kids say, “This is what all our friends are doing,” she noted.

“Take a pause, step outside of it and really start setting your own priorities,” she said.

Find a network of support.

Schedule a weekly run or walk with other moms or set up a monthly dads night out – whatever it takes to create a supportive environment that’s not about griping, Schulte said. And yes, you can do this online. “If you don’t have it locally, you need to find it virtually,” Schulte said.

She splits the difference through the ThirdPath Institute, a Philadelphia-based organization whose mission is to help people with work-life balance. In ThirdPath conference calls, she and other participants ask one another, “Are you overworking? Did you play? Did you find time for your kids?” The overall tone is positive; rather than criticize, someone might ask, “Can you try something different next week?”

Give everyone more space.

Parents need time to recharge – and so do kids, Schulte said. Left to their own devices – and not the electronic kind – children have time to explore, to learn how to fail and pick themselves up again, to define what success means for them. Schulte quoted Kathy Masarie, a Portland parent and life coach, as saying the best thing a parent can do is “love your kids, accept them for who they are and get out of their way.”

"There is a sweet spot," Schulte said of planning kids' schedules. Too much activity, though, and "you start losing the benefits."

Change the conversation.

If you’re a parent of a certain age, you remember the debates over the proposed Equal Rights Amendment. “Whatever happened to those conversations?” asked Schulte, who sees value in talking about wages, workplace policies and child care options that make it possible for both women and men to choose to have both careers and families. During her Portland visit, she also spoke at an event sponsored by Family Forward Oregon, a nonprofit that advocates for family-friendly laws and workplace policies.

“We haven’t talked about these issues on a national scale since the 1970s,” Schulte said. “Women aren’t staying at home (as much), but they also don’t want to sacrifice home and family. … That’s what the whole book is about. Let’s start a conversation.”