Is it time for my marriage to end?

Alright, background. I apologize in advance for how long this is, but the fact is this is the biggest decision of my life and I feel a full background is warranted.

My husband and I met when I was 18, he was 24. We started dating after a couple of weeks, but engaged 4 months later, and were married 2 months after that. Our marriage was fine for the first two weeks or so before he started a new full time job and took a class that essentially put his credit hours at full time as well. For three months he kept up a pretty hefty workload. During that time I was also working and going to school, but only part time. I was 19, I was pretty sure I was as mature as they come, and I couldn't understand why my husband was growing more and more distant. He would frequently come home and go straight to the computer to play video games, and seemed really angry at any messes I left around. In the meantime, I found myself growing more and more miserable. To complicate my crazy emotions, I was on birth control that was making me absolutely miserable, and I would just cry all day. My husband would come home from work and I would go and cry by the dryer in the laundry room so he wouldn't hear me. I'd get into bed and cry next to him, and he wouldn't notice. He began rejecting sex probably 50% of the time I initiated, and rarely initiated himself. When I finally tried to communicate with him, his only response was "sometimes I wonder what you do all day."

Alright, so a rough beginning. Most of our problems were based on a lack of communication. He had an expectation that I would keep the house clean that he had never voiced to me. I suddenly found myself more isolated than I'd ever been in my life, and as a result didn't really notice the pressure he was under between work and school.

These challenges probably could have been more or less worked through, but I then found out I was pregnant. I immediately signed up for full credit hours in school for the next two semesters in an attempt to finish my degree faster. We only had one car that my husband needed to commute, so I was on campus for 12 hours a day four days a week, doing homework on the days I was not on campus, and growing increasingly pregnant. I began to have an idea of my husbands expectations for keeping the house clean, but at that point I flat out did not have the energy. I had a really rough, painful pregnancy, and my husband became more and more distant. Every day he would come home from work, go to the computer, and come to bed. I made all the meals, did the laundry and the dishes, and ran the household.

We had a couple of bright points at this time, we would watch Lost together every week, and occasionally went on dates, but for the most part he treated me like I was incredibly lazy, and it was a serious nuisance for him to have to live in a messy house (was not that messy) and make his commute longer by picking me up every day.

Fast forward, our son is born. We move into a new apartment, and I am determined to make a fresh start. The stress of my pregnancy has left me with fifty pounds that I did not have before, but at six weeks post partum I was out and running in the mornings. Three weeks later he tells me that I've gained so much weight he doesn't love me anymore. Now, I have a long history including a live in facility of an eating disorder, which he knows. I think this is always a hurtful thing to say to a woman, but to me it was literally the most hurtful thing he could possibly say to me. I ask him if he thinks we should still try to work things out, he says we should. So, for the sake of my son, I decide to stay, but we soon go to a marriage counselor.

The marriage counselor did help. Before the counselor during our fights he would jump straight to really hurtful things, and deal with things immaturely. At one point he called me a 'freeloader' (at that point I had been a SAHM for a couple of months which we had agreed on) and would frequently respond with things like "well then why don't you just leave". Seeing a counselor really helped him air his grievances. Though I had had an idea that he wanted the house clean, and had been working on it, he finally voiced this request. For the next two months that house was spotless. Like really, you could have gone through that place with a white glove at any time. Eventually I found this level of cleanliness impossible to sustain with a child, but the house remains the cleanest of any of my friends.

Counseling did help us. He got a little better. I expressed a need for more affection, and he started to make an effort to hug and kiss me when he got home from work. However, he then usually went to the computer. For a period of time he started coming home in the middle of the day in order to play video games. I was not allowed to bug him while he played his games, and if I did talk to him, he was usually engrossed enough that he didn't hear me. In the meantime, he did not get up with the baby once in the first four months of my sons life. I was still regularly rejected for sex, and was feeling more alone than ever.

At this point I joined a gym and became friends with other stay at home mothers. I made a real effort to be my own person, apart from my husband. I lost the baby weight. My eating disorder returned (which he was aware of and didn't seem to care as long as I was getting thin again) but I fought it back down. I didn't want to go down that road again, and I was beginning to suffer from some health problems related to it. I decided at some point that it was time for me to really communicate with him. Speaking with him in a counselor setting had given me the confidence that I had lacked as a naive 19 year-old. I asked him to take on more responsibilities with the baby, and to ease up on the video games.

And he did, to a point. He stopped coming home in the middle of the day to play, and we began switching off mornings with my son. We didn't go on dates very frequently, any extra time he had was generally reserved for his games, but we were amicable towards each other, and as I lost weight, our sex life revived a bit. I was still pretty regularly rejected, but my solution to this was to initiate less and less. It's gotten to the point now that I don't initiate at all.

The video games became more and more of a problem to me. When he was just ignoring me it was something I could handle. I certainly didn't like it, and I did resent it, but I respected my husbands need to have time when nothing was bugging him. However, as my son started getting older and needed attention from his father and was ignored in favor of gaming, I could not take it anymore. We had a conversation, and my husband became really quite a good father. The downside was his gaming habits didn't lessen, they just leaked into whatever time was set aside for us to be together.

For months now, his nights are reserved for gaming. He has no interest in doing anything else, and though he occasionally takes a night off to spend time with me, we have nothing to talk about, and nothing to do together. He stays up until 3 in the morning regularly playing EverQuest. He does not want to schedule any sort of regular date night, but does want scheduled gaming time. For awhile I tried playing with him, but I slow him down, and truthfully, I would rather spend my time doing something more productive.

I had a realization a couple of weeks ago. Up to this point I have stayed in this relationship for the sake of my son. And, the fact is, it's not all bad. Though I do not initiate sex anymore, he does, and it's not too infrequent. We have some good times, and though we don't go on a date every week, we generally go at least once or twice a month. But underneath any good times we have is this surety that video games are more important to him than I am. And, the fact is, I am a worse mother because of it. I am less patient with my son, and I resent him a lot more because he traps me in a marriage that I don't really want to be in.

When I had this realization a couple of weeks ago, I bought a one way plane ticket to my parents house that leaves in about ten days from now. I decided I was giving this marriage one last chance with a deadline. I told my husband where things stood. He got upset about it, and didn't really show any signs of trying to be a better husband. He played video games less frequently because I mentioned that as being such a big problem, but when he did play them it was generally for 4-5 hours straight at the very least.

A couple of days ago I confronted him after an 8 hour stretch of video games. I told him it was video games or me. Perhaps an ultimatum like that isn't the way to go, but the fact is that video games are making my life unlivable. My husbands only hobby is video games. Anything else in life he does half-heartedly. I should mention in fairness that he does have a good job, and provides for us really well. But his overall attitude towards doing things as a family, and really, doing anything but playing video games is poor.

The fight we had over my ultimatum was epic. At first he chose video games over his family, but once he realized I was serious as I started talking about custody of our son, he backed down. (I should mention, that while we were talking about it he said that he didn't want to have any contact with his son, he'd like me to just take him and go.) We decided that no video games for two months was reasonable. It's been a couple of days, and though he hasn't played any video games, he's just sleeping instead. We still have nothing to talk about, he still doesn't want to spend much time with me, and he is not interested in getting any new hobbies. He is treating this as a 2 month punishment or something that just needs to be waited out to appease me.

We have been married for a little over 3 years now. I am 22, he is 27. He is a much better husband than he was at the beginning of our marriage, I have to give him that. And, he is a good father. It's one of the main reasons I'm still here. Also, I believe in marriage. Marriage is never an easy thing, and I really don't think it is something to leave lightly. But the fact remains, I have a plane ticket in ten days that I have not cancelled yet. Should I take it?

TL;DR-Husband is addicted to video games, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it.

He wants the house clean and a skinny wife, but all he does is play videogames? Does he go to the gym? Does he clean the house? You aren't his mother or his slave. He's obviously not treating you as an equal. It also sounds like he refuses to admit things like this. He doesn't believe in counseling, he doesn't want a scheduled life. Honestly, that's crap. A grown man should (and is perfectly capable of) spending more time with his family than a videogame. Priorities.

Oh another thing. I hear women like you say often "but he's a good father". Sorry. A good father is someone who cherishes his child, his wife and his family and does all he can to solidify that. He is doing everything to break that apart. Not.Good.

He's a good father but he wanted to give up all contact with his son if you left? He sounds very selfish and uncaring. Having a child isn't a reason to stay with someone, kids can tell when their parents are unhappy.

They definitely can. I always knew my father was unhappy throughout my entire childhood and it affected the entire family. None of us were ever happy. My dad filed for divorce from my mother this year, and told me via email " I don’t know if this is a comfort or a trauma but you were the reason I stayed."

It was not a comfort.

Leave a bad marriage for the sake of your kids, don't stay in one for their sake!

My parents were unhappy for more than a decade yet stayed together for us. My dad had girlfriends on the side (yet had moral issues with divorce). I got to watch my mom get walked all over and live with their complete lack of communication and refusal to acknowledge something was wrong. It was ridiculous and fucked up my idea of relationships, which I'm still trying to repair (I'm in my 30s). Kids cannot be happy and healthy in an environment like that, and they pick up on things more than we know.

That said, it sounds like he may be depressed but doesn't care to do anything about it, and he is actively neglecting you and your son emotionally. I would leave if I were you. That in itself will be kind of a final litmus test. He can always see the error of his ways and beg you to come back...if he doesn't, he wasn't really that committed anyway and you're better off without him.

Cannot upvote you enough. It baffles me when people stay together "for the kids". I have a coworker that is doing this, despite the fact that her kids are both 22+, but she won't leave because they were upset when she tried to. Instead she has 2 boyfriends on the side.

Whether or not he's a good/better husband/father doesn't even matter. You're clearly unhappy. The fact that you're even considering ending this marriage should be a huge red flag. Go. Get out of this marriage. You'll be a lot happier for it in the end.

I'm 21 years old, my Fiancée and I have a 9 month old son. My Fiancée is still in college and plays college lacrosse for a (small) scholarship. In the beginning, my son and I were being treated EXACTLY like you are. I was being expected to work full time, keep our household afloat, keep everything clean, have dinner on the table, and take care of our son alone. All he had did was goto school, play Lacrosse 5 days a week and work about 16 hours per week. I was being ignored, criticized and treated like shit. The last straw was 2 weeks ago when I woke up on a Sunday morning and he was gone. I called to ask him where he was and he was on a bus to Denver, CO for a Lacrosse tournament, without telling me or discussing anything about it with me.

We're still on the verge of breaking up and me leaving but I want you to know that you're not alone... I have no advice to offer you on why these men are like this but I can say that the best thing to do is talk to them like an adult. For so long, I was frustrated and upset that I always TOLD him what he was to do. Now (even though I don't like to) I ASK him if he would do something and it has been getting us through the day.

As much as he is "better" as a husband now he seems pretty pathetic to me. As a guy I really could not imagine ignoring my SO completely or doing the type (and volume) of things that he has. If he is ignoring the kid for anything in my books that's an issue.

I'm not going to say leave him, that's cruel and not my place. I will however say that he seems very lousy as a parent and partner. You are trying and I think we can all appreciate that, please never stop trying to make sure your kid has the best life possible.

You two need to talk more and he needs to realize you are serious and this is not just a 2 month punishment that he can wait out. He needs some real changes to happen and fast of he wants to stay married.

Make a readinable and achieveable list of what you need him to do in order for you to stay, one should be addiction counseling and therapy IMHO. If he cannot or will not then it is clear that you need to make a choice.

As others have said though, kids can tell when their parents are miserable, it is not a healthy environment to grow up in.

We decided that no video games for two months was reasonable. It's been a couple of days, and though he hasn't played any video games, he's just sleeping instead. We still have nothing to talk about, he still doesn't want to spend much time with me, and he is not interested in getting any new hobbies. He is treating this as a 2 month punishment or something that just needs to be waited out to appease me.

No offence, but you went about this the wrong way. If this is such a big, important thing in his life, if it is his major hobby, and you give him an ultimatum of his marriage and kid or his hobby, and then make him drop it cold-turkey, of course he is going to treat it like a punishment and sentence to be served. It was his hobby. By taking it away, you take away that thing he enjoys doing, and by taking it away, you make him resent you. Since he resents you, he's not going to replace that extra time with time spend with you, he's going to avoid the person that took it away. If you wanted to replace videogame time with "you" time, you should have made him scale back maybe spend 2-3 hours a night max, and spend more time doing stuff with you. That way he still has his hobby, and he resents you less. Frankly, you may be married, but everyone needs their hobbies. You cannot spend 100% of your time with your SO, you need to get away occasionally.

EDIT: That being said, yes, he was addicted. Addiction is defined as to the point where it interferes with normal life procedures. He needed to scale back, definitely. I just think that going 5+ hours/night to 0 is going to make him resentful.

I have tried getting him to scale back. Believe me, the ultimatum was a last resort. It's gotten to the point that I have enough resentment against him I'm willing to risk a little bit the other way around in an attempt to save this marriage.

Also, really, he knows our marriage is on the verge of ending BECAUSE of the gaming. I feel like a reasonable person would see that and then make some sort of effort to change. Any time we have discussed anything in our marriage that he wants changed, I have put all of my efforts into changing it. Keeping the house clean. At one point he told me he doesn't feel very good about himself around me, and I put everything I had into giving him regular thoughtful compliments. When he wants something changed in our marriage, it changes. The reverse isn't true.

I don't have a problem with him having a hobby, in fact I want him to have a hobby! I just would prefer a hobby that he isn't addicted to and that doesn't cause him to completely ignore his family for long stretches of time.

So, your husband is addicted to Everquest. He is living his life through Everquest - he needs more than an ultimatum, he needs to go to addiction therapy.

As for why he is sleeping; because his life just got taken away from him. He is depressed. There is nothing else. At the moment, you do NOT matter to him as much as that game.

Give him space, give him time. Check out the net for some addiction groups for gamers. This is not a hobby, this is an obsession and i am sorry but when you father a child, you need to grow the hell up. Sure, there is time for hobbies but your family comes first.

I think you should go on your trip. Have a separation and tell him that you are not coming back until he seeks recovery for his addiction.

At the moment, you are not his cherished wife; your son is not a blessing; you are both roadblocks to the life he wants to live in (Everquest). And I am sure you feel it. You are not a priority to him.

Reddit is probably not the place for advice on basement dwelling obsessive gamer forever alone types, so pm me if you want to chat. Been in your situation (slightly different).

I don't think that a guy who isn't mature enough to be emotionally available to his family would respond positively to negative affirmation if what you're trying to do is open him up. I think your husband is depressed because he has the responsibility of supporting a family, and he may not be emotionally prepared to deal with the consequences of what this means. He's still stuck in the phase of serving his own ego and feeding into his own depression, and usually there isn't space to truly cherish somebody else in a mind like that. Any change in his behavior should come out of his own free will and because he has the prerogative to love his family, not because he's forced into it by threats. He plays his video games because they allow him to escape out of his own reality, and let him feel like he had control over his own freedom. If he has his one form of escapism taken away from somebody that he's already forced to deal with multiple other issues, you're going to bet that he's not going to be happy. Ultimately, he's only doing it to make you happy. He's going to feel like he has to give up his own happiness to make you happy, and he will deeply resent you for it. You can bet that all the sex will go away.

That being said, you hold all the cards. You are his wife and babymomma, and you hold the capacity to change the entire dynamic of your relationship. He needs to know that you have other options in life (like your parents), and don't need him to live. He also needs to know that you're with him because you love him, and if he can't respect that and wants to be selfish instead, that you will no longer stand for that kind of treatment. You deserve to be happy and your own love is worth more than what he's giving for it. I think it's very important that you go back to your parent's house for a while. Take a break. Escape from the relationship for a bit, and see how it feels. After a week or two, your head should be clearer, and you'll know what to do.

That being said, you have to consider the fact that video games make him happy. It's a two way street. Everything in moderation. For every hour he plays, he must spend that time with his family. This doesn't mean just sleeping or watching TV, it means being an active father and husband, and putting in his own share of the warmth that your family so badly needs. In turn, you should really turn up the romance and the friendship aspect of your relationship. Forget that he's the "husband", and pretend that he's more of a casual friend you're flirting and being cute with. Be coy and seductive, shy but naughty. But most importantly, live your own life and have your own friends. Once he realizes how independent you are, he's going to start to be more attracted to you as a man. But it's important that you play your role too. Be a giving wife. Give as much as you want to receive. And always remember that it's always about the love you give. Nothing else matters.

if his time is reserved for then don't do anything for him, don't clean, cook and facilitate his game playing, you're not his mother even though you are one yourself/. If his game playing is afffecting his life, which it is then he has an addiction but he has to believe he himself has a problem. move to your friends or family for him to realise what he has lost and let him get his act together. a a marriage means being present and now that you're a family he needs to be a family member and this does not mean the teenager of that house.

You made a bad choice of husband; I think you can see that now. Nothing you can do will make it so that you didn't have three miserable years of marriage. The choice you do have is whether or not you'll have four or more miserable years of marriage.

my take on it for what it's worth- trade the one way ticket for a round trip. give yourself a couple weeks with your family and away from him. It'll give you both some time to do some thinking with any pressures from each other and it'll give you a taste of what it is to be without him. Not a trial separation, really, but more of a vacation. I think that he has an underlying problem- depression. And I've experienced all this with my own husband, minus the child. We also got together when I was 19 and he was 23. I am now almost 31. We have been married for 9 years and you know what? it's goddamn hard work. I would never do it again. If we get a divorce i will never get married again. That said- I committed to this and I look at marriage the same way I look at family- you don't always like or love them- but they are always there. End side rant. He is depressed and he's escaping into gameland and it's easier to just shut down and hide in the computer room then it is to talk about what's bothering him, take some vitamin D, get some exercise or whatever he needs to get out of his funk, and be a better spouse and father. He needs to find out whatever it is that will make him improve and he's going to have to do it on his own. For my husband vitamins really did help and starting to exercise and talking more. Good luck. <3

You can stay and hope that he will change... i just think that you are way too young to settle down and have children at this day and age tbh. You have handled the situation very well and very maturely too (even more than women of older age for that matter!). I feel bad that your husband is taking you for granted.

He might even have a deeper problem that he is too embarassed to voice out too and he's using video games to mask it.

I don't think that it will get any better and you have tried counselling... He should man up and spend more time with the family. I don't see how he is so ignorant of the two of you if he loves you two so much (right?)?

I'm (not) sorry to say, but you need to replace the word "video games" with "cocaine" or "alcohol" and see if you'd stay with him if THOSE were his choice addictions. He plays video games to that extent because he is completely and utterly unhappy with his life, and he needs to live in a false world in order to numb himself from the reality of his life.

He does not seem to be a pleasant man in any sense. He seems like a generally miserable person, and his misery is directly causing the misery of you and your child's inevitable future misery. Is this really what you want?

He is not worth your time, your patience, your efforts, your heart.... nothing. You and your child alone should be enough for him to not want to self medicate for hours on end. (Yes, playing video games for 8 hours is MEDICATING)

I mean, isn't the fact that he instantly said he didn't want any contact with his child enough for you to see what a fucking pathetic wasted loser this person is? It disgusts me that you'd even spend a single minute giving him any time of your day. He is so pathetic and selfish that he HONESTLY doesn't want anything to do with your SON. HIS SON. VIDEO GAMES ARE MORE IMPORTANT TO HIM.

And they are more important to him because HE HATES HIS LIFE.

The video games are drugs. He needs drugs to escape. He needs drugs to forget his miserable life. He needs a clean house because he needs to find a reason to keep you around. He needs to find value for your life.

Leave right fucking now. Do not even spend another minute. Do not shed a single tear. This is the kind of relationship that often ends in your abuse or suicide. This is the kind of father who's son experiences the same later in life. You are in an ultimately failed partnership and I do not see you fixing it.

You are so goddamned young. You're 22, you're not even a real adult! He is 27 and he hates his life that much, what makes you think that another 25 years will change anything?

If you're that young (27) and you already hate your life and everything in it to that extent, there is little help for you.

Please, please, please fucking leave. Please do not even waste another minute, just get out of there. Save your life, save your sons life. You cannot save this man's life.

I think you know it's time for your marriage to end; that's why you bought a one-way ticket. He's a terrible husband and even worse as a father. He's chosen video games over his family. What more do you need to know?

If you stay with him, your son is going to learn that the way your husband behaves is how a man is supposed to treat his wife/family. Make the right decision.

I'm at a total loss for what people who get married young think their lives are going to be like. "Oh, I'll pop out a kid at 19 with a guy who is still in his mid-twenties and can't put down the joystick... seems like a good idea right?!" If you can't anticipate the ending of that... you were way too young to be having a kid.

Lady, not to be harsh on you, but you need to have your own way of supporting yourself -- in the event that you have to bail from this guy. Getting married at 19... what happened to your college? What happened to your resume / job experience now that you're a stay at home mom?

OK... your course of action is flawed. For him to go cold turkey off an addition that was taking up to 8 hours / day of his time... yeah it's going to do fucked up things to him. Like make him go into a depressive state, and sleep all the time. He needs to be gradual about this, give him some casual games to play -- maybe with you -- while he goes to therapy and counseling to get shit together.

And you need to get some options -- get your degree, get something so that if you leave him you'll have a shot at being able to support yourself. Right now you're stuck with him, so do your best to make it work. It's not a good job market for 22 year olds who have never held a job / gone to college.

I actually finished my degree and have my own business. The business isn't doing all that well, but I have put very little into it financially, and it has the added bonus of giving me at least perceived work experience. I interviewed for a couple of jobs last week.

I am glad to hear that you are setting yourself up, entrepreneurship is difficult but can be very rewarding, stick to it if you can. In the end it is great that regardless of what is happening you will be able to care for your child appropriately.

Can you even read? She explained herself quite clearly in the OP. The baby was unplanned, it happens, mate. But in any case, what's the point in commenting on it now? The baby is here, the husband is being a tool.

Agree with you about her finding ways to support herself though - with or without him, this security is very important IMO.

Video games are a form of obliviating. Making the world disappear, I am in no way a professional etc, but it seems to me he feels the need to escape and when he does he is happy. From there it would make sense to want to keep playing for long periods. I am in a healthy relationship and my partner is pleased with me most of the time, but I do play video games for hours on end when able.

Trying to make him quit is unlikely to end well as he will see you as standing in the way of what he wants, opposing his perceived happiness.

The root of the problem would seem to be that you end up having nothing to do together when he isn't playing. Between a job and life etc. You are likely a big part of his world, if he can't relax and enjoy himself with you it would make sense for him to seek some other way to enjoy himself.

If you want advise I would say you need to either find a way to connect with him or end the marriage. A counselor might be able to help, but it will end up coming down to the two of you. What got you together in the first place? What things did he use to enjoy? Just pulling the plug on the computer and hoping for quality time to appear is a lost cause.

Addiction to WoW is his escape. I think he checked out of being a husband/father in general. He shown how insensitive he is, and admitted that he doesn't want his son. Counseling hasn't worked for you, and he doesn't seem to take your attempts to build a relationship seriously The two month waiting period was negotiated just to keep you around, since he sleeps instead of trying to improve his marriage with you.

10 days to change your behavior for your family isn't much. But the fact that he isn't trying his damnedest to improve things with you is telling, as is the fact that he's willing to give up his son. You've tried everything humanly possible to save your marriage, but it takes two people. I'd lawyer up and get on that plane.

I am busy with my life! I go to the gym every day, I just started applying and interviewing for jobs (up to this point I didn't feel comfortable putting my son in a daycare) and in the meantime my son and I live an active lifestyle. We go somewhere every day, whether it's the zoo, on a hike, on a playdate with friends. I have friends of my own with whom I have regular 'girl nights'. I don't think it's unrealistic of me to expect ANY acknowledgment from my husband.

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