Ask The Divorce Coach: I’d do ANYTHING to bring him back…

Hi Shelley,About 2 1/2 years ago my husband of 16 years told me he didn’t love me anymore. I immediately started vomiting and became hysterical. I was a stay-at-home mom to three kids, had worshiped the ground he walked on, and thought he was my best friend.

I later found out that he had been cheating on me and had most likely cheated before. Our marriage had not been perfect and I had put up with quite a bit, but I took my vows seriously and would never have expected them to be compromised. On top of that, I would have done ANYTHING to bring him back; I would have changed anything, done anything, been whomever he wanted. He never communicated any unhappiness and I was never given an opportunity to rectify the situation. He just left and wanted to see me ruined, especially financially. He harbored, and still does harbor, quite a bit of hatred toward me.

So, fast-forward to now and I still feel as raw as I did back then. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. The divorce was horrible – he continued to lie his way through the process, he hardly sees the kids, and hasn’t talked to one of them on over two years.

I can’t determine whether it is my ego, or just true pain of loss. I still miss him daily, even though he was extremely cruel to me and my children. Meanwhile, he is sill living with the whore he cheated on me with and now wants to introduce her to my children. I feel like I am going out of control because I do not want this to happen. I believe I was/am co-dependent and don’t really need a diagnosis but rather just some tools to make it through.

I would love some advice…

Wilma

Answer:

Wilma –

There is a whole lot of emotional baggage going on here. You mentioned that you had put up with quite a bit during your marriage, that you would have become anyone to please him and to save your marriage, that he wanted to see you ruined, that he was extremely cruel to you, and you call his girlfriend a whore. What does all that mean to you?

The big question I have is why would you accept the abuse that you received for so long? Why would you try to be someone other than who you are to please him, and exactly who are you anyway? It seems to me that you have lost touch with who and what you are. It is more about you right now than him. It is about you using this experience as an opportunity to do a big-time self analysis and work on letting go of the emotional baggage that may have gotten you into this in the first place.

I am not condoning what he did whatsoever….bad behavior is bad behavior. What I am saying is that use this divorce as a means to heal, grow and move on into a better life. Know that a marriage is a 50/50 deal and we must take responsibility for our part. It seems to me that you might have been an enabler by accepting far too much abuse from him. Perhaps, I don’t know you well enough.

The reality of the situation is that your ex has a girlfriend and whether you like it or not, she will be in your kid’s lives. Accept that fact and then decide how you want to handle it so your kid’s interests and well-being are put first. Love your kids more than you might resent him and her. Your pain and resentment are hurting you, not him. You suffer, not him. You waste your precious time, not him. See?

Reality is reality. If you choose to fight the facts of your life then you will be stuck and will not be able to move forward. What you think should or could be doesn’t matter…those are fantasies. Learn what you can and cannot control in life and then let go of the things you have no control over. It isn’t so much what life hands you that is as important as your choice in how to handle life’s challenges.

Regards,

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

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