Monday, July 28, 2008

Crisis of Faith: Bidding a Bittersweet Adieu to the Tour

Well, the Tour de France is now over. I admit I approached it with cynicism in the beggining, but after three weeks it's become a part of me, and now the place where it once was tingles like a phantom limb. Every time the mainstream media flashes a brief picture of Sastre atop the podium in between news of bank implosions and Christian Bale attacking his mom, a small, nostalgic lump rises in my throat, right around the place popcorn kernel husks tend to lodge themselves. But there are some aspects of the Tour I'll miss more than others. Here are the things I'll miss most:

Those Cervelo Commercials

Cervelo is to bicycles what Sub Zero is to refrigerators, or what Viking is to stoves, or what Weber is to gas barbecue grills. That is to say, they're expensive, well-engineered, professional-quality items which are bought by people who have little or no clue how to operate them and will never know their true potential. You can ruin a meal just as badly on a GE as you can on a Viking, and you can get dropped just as quickly on a Scattante as you can on a Cervelo. And despite what you may think, you don't look any better or "pro" on a Cervelo than you do on a Scattante either. In fact, it only serves to throw the chainring tattoo on your hairy leg into sharper relief.

So as the Breitling of bikes you'd expect Cervelo to have very serious--almost intimidating--TV ads. Maybe a baritone narrator intoning statistics as molecular structures and formulas flash across the screen. Instead, Cervelo's ads are mostly just those two Canadian guys who make them talking about their bikes in an endearing lilt. It's almost hard to imagine that people with accents like that could even be precise, let alone produce a full line of performance bicycles. It's like if Cooter from the "Dukes of Hazzard" was the BMW spokesperson. Those Cervelo commercials were the closest thing I've seen in awhile to the "Great White North" (only with less belching), and I for one am hoping Vroomen and White become the new Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Those Versus Workload Statistics

I've got to admit that Versus really upped its game this year. Not only were more riders hooked up to heart rate monitors (which I suppose may be interesting if you're a health care professional, but which I find pretty boring), but they also calculated the percentage of work each breakaway constituent was contributing to the move by counting how long each rider spent at the front. While I question the accuracy of these statistics (they didn't seem to account for the relative sizes of the riders, for example, and a large guy pulling for 30 seconds would arguably be contributing more to a breakaway than a small guy pulling for 30 seconds), I like the concept, and I'd like to see it used in other aspects of cycling as well. For example, if we take the Versus workload approach and apply it to cycling subcultures and their relative contributions of absurdity, it might look something like this:

Fixed Gear Freestylers: 32%

Recumbent riders: 37%

Triathletes: 31%

Before you quibble over these percentages, keep in mind that: 1) it's just an example; and 2) while it may seem conservative to say that triathletes only account for about one-third of the total ridiculousness here, they also only ride their bikes one-third of the time, so their contribution is actually quite formidable. And furthermore this goes to show that while statistics can be fun, they can also be misleading and difficult to interpret. Not everything can be easily quantified. (Though in the absurd FGF/bent/tri breakaway, I think it's safe to say that they've got a nice gap and are rotating smoothly. If the triathletes don't take everybody else down they may stay away until the finish.)

Matt White and Jonathan Vaughters in the Garmin/Chipotle Team Car

Some people may have watched the Tour for the bike racing, but I watched it for the precious moments when Versus would cut to the Garmin/Chipotle team car. Watching Vaughters and White in that car giving their riders useless advice in a dull monotone was nothing short of captivating. "Keep riding, Christian." "You can do it." "Only 5K to go." It was like a buddy comedy without the comedy, or a police drama without the drama. I'm sure there were more spirited exchanges, like when Vaughters told Millar that Vande Velde's raise would actually be coming out of Millar's salary, or when they pulled into a drive-thru McDonald's and White forgot to order Vaughters a thick shake, but for the most part Vaughters and White simply cruised around with the studied detachment of two guys "flossing" in South Beach in their parents' station wagon, looking for a nightclub that might let them in or some women who might talk to them. Between White's bleach-blond locks and sunglasses and Vaughters's sideburns it was like watching a slightly cheesier version of "Night at the Roxbury."

But the Tour also brought heartache, and nothing made my heart ache more than the positive drug test of my favorite rider.

Years ago, when I was merely a child, I had a baseball card collection. Even then, I had no interest in baseball, so my collection consisted entirely of players with funny names. And there was no card in my collection that I valued more than my Johnny Wockenfuss card:

I didn't know who Johnny Wockenfuss was. I didn't even know where the card had come from. I did know that the card was worthless, both because Johnny Wockenfuss wasn't a particularly good player and because the card was badly creased. But I cherished it anyway, and in moments of doubt I would withdraw it and gaze upon it like I was a penitent and it was a picture of the Virgin Mary. And that card inspired me. It may not have inspired me to be a better person, or to accomplish anything, or even to try at anything, but it did inspire me to laugh at his ridiculous name, and in many ways that's what made me who I am today.

Well, Dmitri Fofonov was my new Johnny Wockenfuss, and you may recall that he was instrumental in helping me maintain my faith in the Tour. Unfortunately, though, like Job my faith has been tested as Fofonov just became the fourth rider to test positive for a banned substance in this year's Tour. I was shocked and appalled to receive this link from a reader. Actually, I was confused before I was shocked and appalled because the story was in French, but I did run it through a translator:

L' information; Equip: The Kazakh runner of Crédit Agricole Dmitri Fofonov, 31 years, was controlled positive with a stimulant in Saint-Etienne, with l' exit of the 18th stage of the Tour de France. Fofonov, 19th of the final classification, explained to its formation to have taken a product against cramps bought on Internet. "C' is a non-observance of the elementary rules, declared Roger Legeay, general manager of l' equip French, which immediately suspended its runner. A runner cannot take any drug, without authorization of the doctor of l' equip, without him to have spoken about it. (...) C' is a proven individual fault. It is known that can arrive but this n' is not pleasant."

I had been ecstatic over Fofonov's finishing the Tour in 19th place on the GC. As a pass/fail racer unable to take anything seriously, a top-20 finisher with a funny name is far more exciting and inspirational to me than a first-place finisher with a regular name like Sastre. So to be cast down from such dizzying heights by this news was nothing short of devastating. To paraphrase a well-known poem, they came first for Beltran, and I didn't care because he didn't have a funny name. Then they came for Moises Duenas, and I didn't care because his name wasn't that funny either. And so on. Then they came for Fofonov. But by then it was too late. Because the Tour was already over and he's probably halfway to Almati on a team-issue Look by now.

Anyway, thanks for ruining the Tour for me. I had faith in you but I guess you were just foffing me off. But I should also thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson. And that lesson is that a man only has two things in this world: himself, and his Wockenfuss.

Why must I always be the Hincapie (pack-fill) of the comment podium races? Always a bridesmaid, never the bride. Looks like I ought to lay off the early-morning cheeba; it's killing my breakaway abilities!

Did you catch it in the Garmin teamcar (first time trial I think)when Vaughters screamed out a loud expletive immediately following a question from Liggit? It was either Sh!t! or F*ck!, I can't remember.

*disclaimer- I grew up without cable TV so hearing a curse on live TV always gets me excited.

You forgot to mention the most significant change to the Versus coverage: Bob Roll finally learned to pronounce "Tour de France", kind of (Craig Hummer says it better).

I thought that Roll had the customary American infacility with foreign languages, but no. When the Tour got to Italy, he rattled off the day's route in Italian like a native. Someone at Versus must've leaned on him to stop the "Tour DAY' France" bit.

Or, how about "we recycle energy from exhaust..." ad nauseum...I thought I'd blow my brains out.And what happened to that catchy jingo they played at the begining:"I'm gonna clear out my head..." etc. I thought that would make the top 40.And while I'm no prud, what doping meassage are they sending when the in-car camera shows the guys "drinking and driving!" fer chrissake.All-in-all, I'm crashing this Monday morning, suffering withdrawl symptoms...anybody got any EPO?

Snob, I really enjoyed the Tour also, despite Astana not being there. Thank God for the Johan fix, who all bias aside, was quite insightful. Love Fabian, especially when he inquired about doping test while getting his champagne from the team car.

And, begrudingly, Vaughters was palpable. Sorry I missed the F-bomb, that could have sealed the deal.

"Way to go snob....good blogging....just keep hitting those keys. Yep, hit the one key, then another...... remember.....spacebar between each word....keep those vowels in there.....2-3 consonants then a vowel.....punctuate, Snobby, punctuate....."

Speaking of Johann at the tour/Astana not at the tour, it seems it all worked out in their favor. I would assume Gusev would have been on their team, and would have been caught by the AFLD, causing them to be banned from the 09 tour.

I'm not quite sure how any reasonable person would want a Cervelo after seeing those commercials. They are the lifted diesel 4X4's of road bikes. At work yesterday, I built one up an R3 for a customer with a triple and a Look Ergo stem. Bad ass.

yes those cervelo guys are passionate and the bikes are very good (but so stiff the stuff's gonna keep falling out of your jersey) but snob's got it right: it's the bozo bike of the past two years - like the Madone of the five years before that.

jesus christ, exactly. it got to the point where my response time between hearing the phrase "for the perfect balance of fuel efficiency and performance" and jumping for the mute button was down to the tens of milliseconds.

I only saw one stage(17) and I didnt see a single giant penis painted on any of the switchbacks on the climbs...although I did see a crude painting of a tall man with a pointy head and 2 round legs and no arms.

Doug: G'day eh, so like, this Cervelo uses like high modulush carpet fiber for gettin' up them hills below the UCI weight minimum, eh.Bob: An what do we do with that weight savings? The olde Scarboro suitcase, the Molson Ex 12-pack for when you reach the top and you want to wet yer whistle, eh.

Cervelo - just as you can be really bad on a Cervelo and it doesn't help you, you can be really awesome on one and it probably doesn't make a difference either. See, e.g. Fabian Cancellars & Jens Voigt who would probably still destroy other pro riders even if they were stuck on a matched pair of dogpoo brown Surly Puggsleys with Big Dummy attachments and panniers, carrying a half dozen of Jens' 6200 kids on the back.

Versus Workload - yeah, real good stuff. That shit is how to make people who train with power hit the f***ing roof, repeatedly. You're going to give Hr and wattage, but not power/weight or Normalized Power? This showing 50% of the dataset is like watching a football game and getting the time of possession stats but not the score or down, or an olympic weightlifting competition where they don't tell you how much weight the competitors are lifting. Typical mentally geared-down coverage for the 10-days-of-the-year race fans, and infuriating to the enthusiasts; get the graphic off the TV if it isn't going to say anything useful.

White & Vaughters - Bob Roll had the definitive word on their participation. The purpose of the Tour isn't about the riders; it's a test to see which team's cellphone is most durable. Fear of in-camera cars catching untimely cellphone failures is probably why T-Mobile dropped out this year. "Can you hear me now, Jan? Drop the syringes, the Gendarmerie is coming. Jan? Jan? Hello? Jan? Dammmmit!"

The in-car camera is also instrumental in the competition for the TdF's little known Turtleneck Jersey, a sought-after earthtone mohair sweater which goes to the most besideburned Directeur Sportiff. If the race is close the tie breaker event is Faux Intellectual Navel-Gazing. This year, it was a spectacular performance by Vaughters, who dominated the event in a way that it had never been dominated before.

Fofonov - well, you told us his name sounded like a synonym for wanking... you shouldn't be surprised.

To all those who criticize Vs's coverage of the tour - it's better than nothing. They could do away with the incomplete stats ,the crappy announcers, and the lycra-clad cyclists and just show reruns of tap out all july. We can bitch all we want about the coverage being dumbed down, but the reality is, we don't have enough eyeballs to justify a hardcore cyclists' coverage of the tour. Take what you can get, or don't. I for one am grateful I get to come home every evening and watch what I read that morning on velonews and cyclingnews. Then watch it again with bob roll uttering hilarious, even if not exactly sensical, shit.

"The Breitling of bikes" how incredibly apt and cross-luxury-consumer-category precise...If you're sick of the commercials, move to Toronto and come out on the local Sunday ride - some weeks they won't let you in unless you're riding a SC-SLC-SSC-LS-SS-3 (which is OK, actually, given all those hairy legs and distressingly undersized CSC jerseys...)

Yeah, actually I kinda was turned on. He is a beast in a sadistic sort of way.

By yesterday, I was just in a daze. All of those shots, from behind, of the peloton dancing on the pedals. Good grief, I didn't know where to look, it was sort of overwhelming and, at some point, I think I may have started to drool!

I have a little over a month before ToM to recover. Then, like BGW said, they'll be over 140 of 'em delivered right to my front door. Mmmmm.

You're so right. How could I have been so wrong... It's VS Tour de France coverage, you fukkin pinkos... Love it or Leave it!!!!

From now on, I'll sit there through that Saab ad without complaining, you know the one. From now on, I'll sit there through that Saab ad without complaining, you know the one. From now on, I'll sit there through that Saab ad without complaining, you know the one.

And when they run that Autozone ad reminding me that only lame-oid teenage dorks ride bicycles, I'll be grateful that they don't feature my picture in the ads, and that Al Trautwig's replacement was at least aware that bicycles have two wheels, and pop-cycles don't have any. And when Phil Liggett calls Denis Menchov "Alex Vinokourov" or "Sarah Hammer," I'll bite my tongue and send an email to VS saying, "please sir, may I have another?"

Never again will I be ungrateful or complain about television coverage of cycling. If I've learned anything in life, it's that sitting there and taking abuse ultimately leads to an improvement in my situation, so I have reason to believe that if I just put up with whatever VS does, eventually, coverage will be damn near as good as riding in the Commisaire's car. Frankly, I'm ashamed of myself. It's not like I have a constitutional right or something to voice my opinions in public or anything like that...

I rather enjoyed the Tour and the Versus coverage... Phil and Paul were hung over, though on a few occasions I think Phil was just plain drunk... Jonathan Vaughters dropped that F Bomb on goody-two-shoes-talks-way-too-fast-and-excitedly-like-a-new-puppy Ventura and it was a thing of beauty ... the French actually went on breakaways and even WON , Frank Schleck gave us bitter jealous drama and arrogance against his own team mate and finally, a diminutive and sweet grandmother from Spain won the Tour.

You failed to mention the nude woman in the crowd at Huez. She is there every year and has been on TV, even CBS, every year because it is very hard to see her unless you know exactly where to look. I know. And I ain't telling.

Oh I saw her too but I didn't know she was there every year. Next year I'm going to tape it and save it. I'm a lesbian time trialer and, well I am sure you can see my interest. Thanks for the tip, er...tips.

Thanks for your insight and wit. Regarding your point about Versus, as well as Versus is doing its job, viewership of the Tour was down 18% this year compared to last year. This is significant. In the world of media strategy, this means the event is losing relevance and there is dwindling reason to watch it. This will effect how American teams get sustainable sponsors, how Versus gets sustainable advertising and how frequently American cycling fans will be able to see cycling on Versus. Cycling fans will see less of cycling, potentially, and fewer potential cycling fans will be exposed to the sport. Unless we do something about it.

Is there chamois in those swimsuits? Essence de low tide, probably? With RTMS validation as hardest working cyclists, the triathlete sector of your readership has surely been gliding around in a cloud of fit, smug self satisfaction ever since reading today's post. The recumbent crew, meanwhile, is just not surprised that someone else doesn't recognize the heights of practicality and comfort long known to their tribe. The FGFs, rising stars in the field, have too much going on to feel one way or the other. Also, it may be that they don't recognize the rider in the photo as one of their own. For one thing, the skidding posture is very basic. Boths hands are on the bars, a tight denim-clad leg is not hooked over those bars, and he appears to be wearing both socks AND cycling shoes. Speaking of handlebars, look at those curvy things. Aside from the bar tape ruining the minimalist aesthetic of the bike, there is just no way to spin those babies. And finally, that cabron has been a messenger in Texas for at least 13 years, for whatever that is worth. -Brian

At first glance, I thought that Johnny Wockenfuss card was a promo poster for a new Will Ferrell sports movie slam. He's done ice skating, soccer, basketball, and car racing flicks, so why not take a turn at baseball?

The real question is when will Ferrell get those sideburns in gear to do a cycling movie? "The Girl from EPO-nema", for instance...

Bob Roll pronounced "Tour de France" correctly. Well that must have ruined my friends' drinking game this year. "Tour DAY France" was a rule, and you could guarantee to get pretty tossed on that one alone.

You are obviously punchy without sleep, but Vroomen has been a Canadian citizen for 20 years.Regardless, Canadians prove to be a clueless as yanks with CBC reporting that a "Canadian-made" bike won the TDF. Not a single part on any CSC bike was made in Canada, which is worse than Trek calling itself "made in USA" when all they do is the frames.

As for the "Breitling" tag, at least Breitlings tell time correctly, as opposed to the 2X more expensive Colnago, or Rolex of bicycles.

If Cérvelo is the Breitling of bikes, then what is the Swatch? What is the Casio? What is the Patek Phillipe? If you extend this watch analogy and give us a tour(neau) of bike brands you might come up with something both funny and insightful.

Apparently to "Fofonov" is to do something else when locked in the bathroom too long. "Speaking to the anti-doping prosecutor, I took full responsibility for my actions,” Riccò told ANSA. “Prior to the Tour, I made a mistake; I Fofonoved a product that everyone was talking about.”

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!