France raises security level to ‘dripping with derision’

Charlie Hebdo editor Stéphane Charbonnier in 2012, bravely vowing to continue waging a war of wit — against the witless, apparently.

PARIS — Saying the country will not stand for violence carried out by gangs of Asperger’s sufferers wearing ninja pajamas and shouting nonsense in Pig Latin, France is raising its security level to “dripping with derision.”

On Wednesday morning, the office of Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical weekly, was attacked by two men armed with Kalashnikovs and reportedly shouting, “the Prophet has been avenged.” [Note: a previous report erroneously claimed that the two men shouted “the prophet” instead of “the Prophet.” The writer has since vanished.] At least a dozen people are reported to have been killed.

The magazine, founded in 1969, had been attacked by humorless individuals in the past for its irreverent but terribly funny depictions of the Prophet, who, ironically, was known to enjoy self-mockery, famously warning in a 631 speech that he had an explosive sense of humor.

Hours after the mid-morning attack, French president Francois Hollande appeared on television, apologizing for permitting Charlie Hebdo to cause offense, adding that French citizens got the message “loud and clear,” and they will certainly never, ever again make jokes about not only the Prophet himself, but any of country’s some 400,000 residents named Muhammad, just to be sure.

French citizens are said to be up in arms over the attack, vowing to support the new security measures by increasing their regular levels of ridicule and toxic sarcasm in order to defend the ideals of the Republic.

Audrey Melloul, a 23-year-old student at the Sorbonne, said she’s going to do whatever it takes to stand up for the French way of sneering at silly people, and that she’s preparing to mock anyone — man, woman, or child — who comes in her way.

“These little men with their guns think they can stop French people from mocking them,” she said. “I’m afraid it’s just begun.”