Stressed...

Shila - posted on 10/28/2008
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Hello everyone! I need assistance. I have soon to be 12 year old and I am remarried. My husband and son seem to butt heads on ALMOST everything lately and my motherly instict is to defend my son however my husband and I then get in to huge fights b/c he thinks I am too soft on him...

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Lorna - posted on 11/05/2008

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Hi Shila,

I too have been on both sides of this situation. One thing to remember is that your husband chose you AND your son. I am sure he knew you had a child when you married, so he should be very willing to talk to you about this.

Maybe you can decide on what parts of your sons life you deal with, and what parts your husband deals with. eg. you enforce homework and chores and your husband enforces computer time and bedtime.

Do you think you are too soft on your son? I know I am too soft on my daughter. I think I worry that she won't love me ( she is also 12, quite a hard age!). If you are, then remember he will respect you and your husband for doing the tough love thing.

It will take time for them to bond but as long as your husband is fair it will be ok.

Don't let your son see you fight, bite your tongue (so so hard!). Choose a time to talk when you are all happy and not after the incident has happened.

There is a really good book called Manhood, by Steve Biddulph. It would be good for both you and your husband, might explain a few things about men for you and give your husband some great pointers on how to be a good father and why he is so important to your son.

WELL IS UR HUBBY RIGHT MOST OF THE TIME WHEN TANGLING WITH UR SON?COZ I FOUND MY WAS MOST OF THE TIME..I JUST HELD BK AND THEN FIRMLY STOOD ALONGSIDE MY HUBBY..SAYING "UR FATHER IS RIGHT U KNOW"..R U 2 SOFT ON HIM? COZ I AM WITH MY DAUGHTER...MY HUBBY KEEPS REMINDING ME OF BOUNDARIES THAT I HAVE SET UP FOR HER AND JOBS SHES GOT TO DO FOR HER TOP UP,BACCY ETC..I TRY NOT 2 SAY SOMETHING THAT WILL UPSET HER OR I THINK SHE WILL NOT LIKE ME..GOD THAT IS SO INSECURE AND WEAK...SO DAVE KEEPS ME STRONG AND I AM GRATEFUL FOR HIS ADVICE AND HELP..AS HE SAYS HE IS NOT A 100% RIGHT,MAYBE 99% WRONG,BUT 1%HE IS RIGHT...TALK TO UR HUBBY AND ASK HIM WHERE HE THINKS UR GOING WRONG WITH UR SON..THEN ASK HIM WHAT HE SUGGESTS U DO..THEN IF HE DOES THIS THEN IMPLY IT AND STICK TO IT..U MAY FEEL AWFUL,BUT IT WONT B FOR LONG...UR SON WILL LEAVE HOME ONE DAY SOON...U DONT WANT UR HUBBY 2 BECOZ OF UR ATTITUDE WITH UR SON DO U?STAND UNITED BABES..HOPE THIS WAS A HELP..I MAY HAVE IT ALL WRONG BUT I DOUBT IT..CAZ XX

I am a step mom of two kids and I have my own son who is 10, you may want to talk to you husband and find out why he gets into it with your son. If you feel that he is just being hard on him and there is not a valid reason for it, maybe you can take your husband aside and ask him if he really feels that your son is doing something wrong or if he is just frustrated with him at the time. I know that when I was frustrated with my husbands kids, I would get on them more then I should. It is a learning process for him too. He just has to learn that your son is going to push him as a test of how far he can take it. They are little stinkers like that. It is okay to defend your kids, but you really have to find out why things are the way they are first. You have to make sure that you and your husband are on the same page too. If you son see that you don't support your husband, they your son will continue to push your husband and that will only end up bad. Be united in how you are dealing with your son. I really hope you work through this and if you still have trouble, maybe you should consider family counseling. Having someone to mediate may be a helpful tool. Good luck in the world of the blended family. It is tough, but if you love you husband enough you will get through it!

I am in a relationship and I have a soon to be 11 year old and my boyfriend has 2 children and I always defend my daughter and it is the same protect your own.. she is a very sassy girl...I have also been struggling with this situation....I try to stay out of the situation as much as I can.....

I'm in a similar situation. We've been married just over a year, and my 12 year old son and husband used to have the exact same problem. (Still do sometimes!) It's hard, you want to protect your child, and you want to present a united front with your husband. What worked for our family is this: I sat down alone with my husband, and explained to him how I feel. Not during a fight, or when they were dissagreeing about something, but during a "neutral" time. We worked out boundaries, and I encouraged my husband to start putting more effort into bonding. Slowly it's getting better, This is a hard age, with puberty and a step dad, our sons are probably feeling like they need to lash out as well. My son and I also talked, because he needed to know that it wasn't ok to fight with his step dad just because he felt like it!

I try to encourage my hubby and son to do 'man things' together. He's been in my DS's life for 5 years (DS is 10 now), and it's still hard sometimes to not automatically take his side!

I agree that the best thing you can do is too side with hubby in front of the kids, whether you agree with him or not, then discuss it later. Or maybe head off an arguement by being the one to suggest a punishment before hubby blurts out "you're grounded for a month!"

And not for nothin', but he probably DOES treat DS differently. But could some of that be due to the age? I mean, you can't exactly treat a 12yo and a 6yo the same, maybe hubby is just trying to hold DS up to the expectations HE has for what a teenager should 'be like'. Can you sit down with hubby and ask him what, exactly, he thinks DS should be able to do/be responsible for/ act like?

Well I have been through a similar situation, and it is natural to defend your son as he is always going to be a constant in your life. It is new for everyone and children to adjust but I would think he feels someone is taking his mom away from him. Try doing fun activities as a family and allow the husband and son to do "men activities" so they can become a unity.

Well, I've been on both sides of the situation. I was a step-child (I had a step mom) and now my husband is a "step father" to my two oldest. I would suggest on setting clear cut boundries. Meaning, you AND your husband have to be a strong, united front. Do NOT let your kids see you disagree or argue on any issues regarding them. They will test your unity, and work it against the both of you. Naturally, you want to side on with your kids, but be careful to pick and choose your battles wisely. Remember, one day your kids will fly the nest, and it will be only you and your hubby - and that harmony and peace will be built on a strong foundation set early on in your marriage.

Bringing children and new relationships are always hard, but your 12 year old is going through a rough period of maturity, independence and self-awareness, that it just seems amplified having to juggle in the new parent. Maybe your husband can set aside some father-son bonding, relationship-building time... whether it be going somewhere together (by themselves) to watch the big game, or throwing the ball in the back yard... whatever your son's interests may be... suggest that your husband shows interest in your son's interest, and build from there.

Is your son's father still in the picture? Or has it always been the two of you... he may be weary of another man getting close to you (and maybe potentially hurting you like your last husband?-> IDK, just a thought.

I have been remarried for seven years, so my son was 6 when we got married. My husband and him fight so much. I have learned over the years not to side with my son all the time, but it is very hard. I don't agree with the way that my husband handles things and when I try to talk to him about it, he says that talking does not work. I get so frustrated that I get mad at both of them for arguing. I totally understand the fighting (butt heads). I wish that I could say that it gets better, but truthfully as my son has gotten older it has gotten worse. I can tell the difference between my oldest and my youngest. He says that even though the teenager is not his, he does not treat them any differently. BUT HE DOES!!!! Hope it gets better.