Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Take a Seat: The Problem of Saddle Theft

In the past 24-ish hours, I've received a tremendous number of emails alerting me to the "dropping" of a new cycling-themed music video. It's already been posted on a number of blogs and websites, and seems to have gone what they call "virile" in Web parlance. The video is called "Performance" and features "MC SpandX," and just in case you haven't seen it yet I'm "embuttering" (that's Web parlance for "putting") it below:

Unlike that awful "Hugo and Treats" video this appears to be entirely satirical, and it's full of winking commentary. For example, while MC SpandX boasts about his superior fitness and expensive road bike and adopts the swagger of the "serious" roadie, he is in fact "palping" a triple crank and those pedals that are flat on one side and clipless on the other:

Moreover, they're bolted to a Tirreno frame which appears to still have the warning sticker affixed to the left chainstay:

And in perhaps his most knowing nod to "Classic Fred-dom," he's "curated" an ensemble which includes both half-shorts and the jersey of the Australian National Champion:

These are all clever touches (to say nothing of the fixed-gear rider's ultra-narrow bars and visible posterior crack) and I'd like very much to laugh at this video along with everyone else. However, as I watched I couldn't help thinking something was amiss. First of all, the inexpensive Tirreno road bike is used interchangeably with a Dura Ace-equipped Cannondale in the same greenish colourway:

Moreover, the video is called "Performance," and Tirreno is a Performance Bicycle house brand. It seemed suspicious to me that MC SpandX kept switching between the Tirreno and the Cannondale with Dura Ace, as if he somehow wanted us to subconsciously equate the Tirreno with a more expensive bicycle. Also, pretty much everything else MC SpandX is "rocking" in the video can actually be purchased from Performance too--right down to the Forté crabon fork. And what about MC SpandX himself? Surely a rapper this talented would have "dropped" something before this, but consulting a popular internet search engine revealed no additional information about him--though I did discover an "MC Lycra" who makes a guest appearance along with Priya on Bindha Aujla's "Yaar Kure (Twerk It)." (Hugo and Treats really should think about remixing this one.) It's almost as though his persona is completely fabricated.

At this point I was pretty much convinced that what I was watching wasn't independently produced comedy that references Performance in jest, but is instead an insidious bit of "virile marketing" wrought by Performance itself. After all, this wouldn't be the first time they've done something creepy like this. Finally, I watched the video again in slow motion, and my worst fears were confirmed. This thing's lousy with subliminal messages like a recumbent rider's beard is lousy with donut crumbs. For shame, MC SpandX. Look at this fraction-of-a-second blip touting Performance's end-of-summer blowout:

Or this gratuitous insertion of some Nashbar coupon codes:

Or this bit of mail-order trash talk:

In fact, by the time the video was over I'd received an email confirming that I'd just bought 16 of those distressingly phallic Spin Doctor "chain" cleaners (seen in use here) and a single irregular Pearl Izumi lobster mitten, despite my having no recollection of ever placing the order.

In any case, since this video is already well on its way to phenomenonia, hopefully I've at least managed to break the spell and people can continue to watch and enjoy without also falling victim to Performance's twisted scheme.

Speaking of twisted schemes, there are nefarious people in New York City who endeavor to steal saddles, which means that if yours is the centerpiece of your groupo you may need to go so far as to lock it. Indeed, I recently encountered what very well may be the most securely locked saddle I've ever seen:

When you take more time and effort to lock your saddle than you do the rest of your bike it may be time to re-evaluate your component choice. I'm all for comfort, but not at the expense of efficiency and practicality, and between the heavy saddle and the Kryptonite chain this person is carrying around like 20 pounds just to rest his own ass. But while the bicycle is bloated in the posterior department it is withered and anemic elsewhere. Note the undernourished bars:

Yes, making your bicycle a rolling showcase for your saddle comes at a price, and that price is a saddle/lock combo that weighs as much as a triple-chainring Tirreno. However, you do get pride of place in the saddle hierarchy, and for some people that alone is worth it. Note how these riders have parked in right-to-left ascending seat-cachet order with the stock Pista saddle at the bottom, the vintage Italian saddle in the middle, and the classic leather at the top:

Of course, you don't need to carry around a giant Kryptonite lock solely for your saddle. You can also use two u-locks, as in this photo which was recently forwarded to me by a reader:

Yes, that's way more convenient.

Still, people love Brooks saddles--so much so that Brooks has "collabiated" with a wallpaper artist (because nothing says "cycling" like "wallpaper") to make this thing, which I saw recently on fixed-gear freestyle impresario and collabophile Prolly's blog:Apparently the wrinkles are supposed to represent the topography of Alpe d'Huez, though they really just look like buttsweat-induced creases, and at first I glance I thought this one was pre-distressed from the factory. In fact, I recently stumbled upon this YouTube video of a Brooks saddle-distresser on her way home from work. Unfortunately, it seems certain fetishists have learned that Brooks saddle-distressers tend to possess certain physical attributes, and as such they've taken to loitering outside the factory with video cameras.

Here's some more Brooks love. This photograph from the Brooks site was taken moments before this couple was tragically crushed to death beneath the weight of their own loaded touring bikes:

On a quiet beach at night, nobody can hear you whimper--especially when your chest is compressed by 60lbs of pannier and the nose of your B17 is crushing your thorax.

Still, Brooks saddles certainly make more sense for touring than they do for urban riding. In the city, you're much better off going with something cheaper. However, there is such a thing as too cheap, as you can see from this photograph, also forwarded by a reader:

brooks aren't that comfortable really, but whatev.. the sorry cardboard box full of saddles at the ancient rasta bike shop on union has some gems in it, and by gems i mean sorry ancient leather saddles, peerfect

Dont know Robin, and cant watch video from work, but I see unmistakable U Wash red color on the wall in the pic, as well as the Performance store next to campus in background of the other pic (Im a NYer, but was just in SEA last month at that spot). So, the connection to Performance isnt all that subliminal, though perhaps this is obvious from the video and BSNY is being purely sarcastic.

You guys just don't get the message, like this is subversive left wing anti-globalzation art. The fixie rider's crack shows the division between affluent end poverty stricken in a unbalanced distribution of riches. If you zoom in on the crack there is a tatoo there, an "A" in a circle.

i'm the owner of the grey bike with the big lovk: let me pricise that i dont carry anything when i ride but i live those two locks right under where i work (that building) so i'm not so stupid to rie with extra 20lb...

btw the brooks are cool because they ar ebetter not becuase we are hipster.. if brooks is successful there ia a reson...and that's for any company as well for campangolo parts... that's it..

i know i'm late to the party, but yeah, that's portland, or alright. you can see the bagdad on hawthorne in the background and he's riding up mt tabor too. it's all southeast. the stumptown coffee shop in on belmont. i would bet a triple crank on it. that is my "hood".

Not to out fred Fred, but BSNYC has identified a sixth type, the Nu-Fred. Sort of a hybrid hipster Neo-Fred. All serious about the right fixie, skinny jeans, messenger bag, and colorways when its been riding for all of 3 weeks. I don't see many of them up in the sticks. Or I just don'tsee them from squinting through the cigarette smoke haze outside the coffee shop.

Yeah, i saw them filming this on hawthorne, and later some of them were hanging out at monday funday. i hadn't seen the camera, and i said to my brother as we passed, "man, fixie kids handlebars are getting just plain fucking rediculous."

This video is interesting, as it puts a precise number on a particular type of Dick (or Richard if you will). It has also brought up all the commenters. Any company engaging in targeted subversive marketing such as ours, now has the user names of a ton of youtube wallies.

leroy, if a coffee shop that calls itself "cafe pedlar" why wold you assume it's "stumptown coffee"? there is no stumptown coffee shop in cobble hill. that place is owned by the frankies, notice all the 457 olive oil?

I have a buddy that works at the notorious $12 burger place right outside the Metro/Lorimer stop. They used to serve Stumptown. He told me that when they decided to serve it a cabal of horn-rimmed baristas descended upon them with their demands prior to allowing them to peddle their precious coffee. Now, I'll admit I'm from Oregon, and Stumptown's OK, but for fucks sake it's just coffee. He told me that they made the restaurant do all this crazy wasteful BS to "ensure the integrity of the Bean". I dunno, it makes them sound like a moldy fascist caffeine regime.

Not to mention I can't find their beans for less than $25/lb! Now I just mail order better beans from a secret place in Oregon that ships me OG/FT 5 lb bags for $20, without the snobby backtalk.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but unless you were twisting the word for effect, I believe you meant "viral," as in spreading like a virus, rather than "virile," as in oh so manly. Not a typo, as you use the word twice.

You missed another flaw in the video, demonstrating that the rapper isn't a true performance cyclist. He's using "LOOB" to oil his bike, not "LUBE." So, uh, dude? You're taking the video too literally. He's making fun of performance cyclists. Bike snobs.

Hi! Your blog is simply super. you have create a differentiate. Thanks for the sharing this website. it is very useful professional knowledge. Great idea you know about company background. Increasing your web traffic and page views Add, add your website in www.directory.itsolusenz.com/

Wonderful post, thanks for putting this together! "This is obviously one great post. Thanks for the valuable information and insights you have so provided here. Keep it up!"Dissertation Help | Custom Dissertation

[url=http://www.officialflo.com/profiles/blogs/headache-back-of-head]Headache back of head[/url]headache back of head cold symptoms sharp headache when shaking head morning headache and top of head http://www.officialflo.com/profiles/blogs/headache-back-of-head

greetings to all.I would first like to thank the writers of this blog by sharing information, a few years ago I read a book called Real Estate Investment costa rica in this book deal with questions like this one.

Hello .. firstly I would like to send greetings to all readers. After this, I recognize the content so interesting about this article. For me personally I liked all the information. I would like to know of cases like this more often. In my personal experience I might mention a book called Generic Viagra in this book that I mentioned have very interesting topics, and also you have much to do with the main theme of this article.

This is my first visit here. I have found some very interesting stuff in your blog. It is good to see that people have really liked and commented on your blog. Looking forward for more quality blogs from you. Thanks.

I used to be more than happy to seek out this internet-site.I wanted to thanks in your time for this glorious read!! I positively enjoying each little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you weblog post. this thread is amazing i like your work and i appreciate you that you have share a useful stuff thanks for sharing.

very interesting reading. it's a need of today's generation, but i think it need more information about this topic, really not a bad but i wish it looks more complete.. Again, I truly appreciate all your work furthermore providing plenty of worthwhile info for the audience.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!