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Today’s Column

You’re either together…. or you’re not

My ex and I broke up almost two years ago, after a very loving relationship.

It’s become a long distance relationship, as I moved to England and she's in the U.S.

Most importantly, there was a difference in values and beliefs.

We’ve kept occasional contact (messages). Several times I’ve mentioned trying to work things out, as there’s still love and respect between us.

It usually leads to an argument. Days later, I’ll get a loving message.

I’m increasingly frustrated, unable to move on, and unable to get back with her.

Should I cut off all contact, attempt re-uniting one more time, or provide an ultimatum?

I’ve had opportunities to meet other great women but I can't stop thinking about my ex. It’s drained me emotionally and mentally.

I want my life to progress onwards, with or without her.

Stuck

Speaking openly is different from issuing an ultimatum.

Tell your ex that you feel “stuck” because you both have made no concrete moves to re-unite despite apparent feelings on both sides.

Say it’s clear that neither of you feels compelled to move to where the other lives.

More important, it seems there’s been no compromises offered by either of you, regarding differing values.

So explain how you feel, but without blame. Say that it seems wise for both your sakes to end contact for six months.

It’s a chance to move forward in your own lives and also to accept the reasons why.

A friend's son is getting married in Mexico. The family’s also having a celebration back home when the couple returns from their honeymoon.

It’s for friends and family who couldn’t attend the destination wedding.
My husband’s currently working far away on a project. Due to scheduling and deadlines we’re unable to attend the celebration in our city.

I RSVP'd that we couldn’t attend. My friend’s also been aware of my husband's professional situation for the past year.

I’ve emailed her with no response. When I finally asked if everything was okay, she replied that she was very disappointed, that we’d known the wedding date well in advance, and she’d hoped we could make it.

I believe she’s very upset with me. I apologized, saying that our circumstances prevented us from being there.

I haven’t heard back. We were close when our kids were very young.

Over the past ten years, we’ve seen less and less of each other, due to the hour’s distance between our homes.

We do try to get together at least once a year, but most communications are via email and my friend’s also a huge Facebook communicator, whereas I’m not.

I’ve felt over the years that we’ve been drifting apart, and have less and less in common since our kids have grown up (all are in their 20's).

There’ve also been several incidents involving her behaviour and her husband's that have upset me, but I overlooked them and tried to smooth things over for the sake of our children's friendship.

I’m wondering now if this is still worth it.

Distanced Friendship

You’re no longer as close, but a wedding’s a special time in people’s lives and they’d included you to honour that connection.

If you could’ve arranged it – even if you attended on your own, since it’s in your city – it would’ve been a warm acknowledgement of knowing the groom since he was your own child’s close friend.

Consider whether that’s still possible. If not, apologize for missing it and send a thoughtful gift.

I belonged to a group of women who dined together twice monthly.

Everyone talked at the same time, competing for “air space.”

All the aggressive women got in their say. The quieter ones didn't get to say much.

I recently travelled with an acquaintance who talked all day and night.

I could hardly concentrate on the sights we were seeing.

At night she wanted to talk about everything that happened that day.

How does one handle this situation?

Constant Sound

Some people talk incessantly to get attention. Others keep talking because they’re hyper, nervous, or narcissistic.

And some simply don’t know how to have a real, shared conversation.

That’s them. But where are you in these scenarios?

Perhaps if you’d said that you’d like to hear what the quiet ones have to say, the whole atmosphere would’ve changed to a sharing of ideas and comments.

As for the chatterbox traveller, next time choose a different companion.