Tag Archives: wall street

THESE REPUBLICANS, right? Ted Cruz explained recently that he hates running for president so much, but he has to do it, because God anointed him with Holy Spirit juice, and he’s the only hope we have to save America. Apparently, Almighty God is hedging his bets like a Wall Street Bank Whore, because He is ALSO forcing Ben Carson to run for president. Carson explained to Iowa voters that he doesn’t like running for president, he is having a very bad time, and he just wants to go home to Florida and be a rich old retired fuck, but, dammit, GOD HAS A FUCKING PLAN FOR HIS LIFE:
Read more on When Will God Stop Forcing Ben Carson To Run For President?…

In a story so shocking it’s not shocking at all, news comes today that six of the too-biggest-to-failiest banks in the entire world worked together in secret to control currency prices, for SIX YEARS, and thus enriched themselves in the process. And now they have to pay $5.8 billion in fines, because they are guilty guilty GUILTY. No, really, act surprised:
Read more on Too Big To Fail Banks Sorry For Scheming To Steal All The Money In The World…

Tragic news, if you’re the kind of schmuck who thinks Wall Street’s hedge fund managers deserve at least a thousand and ten jizzillion dollars for doing whatever the hell it is they do when they’re not just straight up breaking the American economy:
Read more on Wall Street Billionaires Not Making As Many Billions This Year, Sad…

Bernie Sanders, independent Soviet Socialist senator from Vermont, who has been Elizabeth Warren-ing since the actual Elizabeth Warren was lecturing Wall Street bankers IN HER DIAPERS, will announce his candidacy for the presidency, as a Democrat, on Thursday. Sanders appears to be running on a platform of “seriously, okay, Hillary, you’re going to be president and that’s fine, but could we possibly turn this god-dang ship to the left?” And that is a good thing!
Read more on Bernie Sanders Will Be President Of Forcing Hillary To Act Like An Actual Liberal…

The too-big-to-fail banks think they’re going to teach Professor Elizabeth Warren and the rest of her progressive rebel scum a lesson about saying mean things about them. As we just learned, the heads of the five families dick-swingers from Citigroup, JPMorgan, Goldman Sachs, and Bank of America have been talking amongst themselves about how to get Warren to pipe down with all her talk about how corrupt they are and how they caused the financial crisis in 2008 that almost broke the country. Their bright ideas include withholding $15,000 per bank in “campaign donations to Senate Democrats in symbolic protest,” or possibly leaving a horse’s head in Sen. Warren’s bed.
Read more on Elizabeth Warren To Wall Street: Drop Dead…

Still on the fence about whether it’s time for all-out up-against-the-wall eat-the-rich class war revolution? No you’re not:
In 2014, Wall Street’s bonus pool was roughly double the combined earnings of all Americans working full-time jobs at minimum wage. […]
Read more on Is It Time For Class War? (Hint: Yes)…

Pop quiz: What do you do if you’re the last vestige of Lehman Brothers, the banking and investment company whose demise was the biggest bankruptcy filing in U.S. history and now you’re in the post-bankruptcy process of slowly unraveling the clusterfuck that you caused in the world economy? Do you a) feel really sorry and promise never to be in charge of more than $15 of anyone else’s money for the entire rest of your life, or b) give your employees $44 million in bonuses, because even though they work for the remains of the company that started a global financial meltdown, they’re still swell! Yeah, this quiz was too easy, ugh, the answer is b. And we ask ourselves, once again, how is it that Occupy didn’t end up with heads on spikes?
Read more on Sleazy Lehman Bros. Only Paid $44 Million In Bonuses Last Year, Thanks Obama…

Were you concerned conservatives would never locate the real “smoking gun” that proves the Great Global Warming Hoax? Well, hold on to your coal, Holy Rollers, because Breitbart LLC finally unearthed definitive proof of the Greenstapo’s climate conspiracy: New York City real estate is really fucking expensive!
Read more on Pricey New York Real Estate Proves Global Warming Is A Hoax, Obviously…

Between 2013 and 2014, JPMorgan Chase, a shadowy banking cabal, paid some $14 billion with a b in legal costs stemming from various criminal enterprises the company willfully engaged in to make money. So of course the bank’s CEO, Jamie Dimon, took his lumps and was very humble and chastened, right? Wrong!
Read more on Jamie Dimon Crying Platinum Tears That Banks Have To Pay Money For Breaking Laws…

Guess who is not resting on her laurels even though she won the prestigious Wonkette Legislative Badass of the Year Award for 2014, and there is not any higher award than that, so why would she need to keep going to work every day? It is your favorite senator from Massachusetts and human flamethrower for justice, Elizabeth Warren!
Read more on Elizabeth Warren Defeats Wall Street Treasury Dude, With Fire…

How much do we heart the senator and perfessor of Massachusetts, the greatest and bestest Elizabeth Warren who ever Elizabeth Warrened? Pretty much all. Sure, there are a few — a very few — non-Elizabeth Warrens in the Senate who aren’t too bad for being non-Elizabeth Warrens. Bernie Sanders, the socialist senator from Vermont, isn’t too bad at badassing and makes a mighty fine runner-up for 2014 Legislative Badass.
Read more on Elizabeth Warren Is Our 2014 Legislative Badass Of The Year, Obviously Duh…

Time for another roundup of the dumbest of the worst of the unfathomably stupid! We scrape the mishegas off our browser tabs, puree it into a frothy mess, and serve it up to you with a warning to not overdo it on the brain bleach. Proceed with caution and gin.
Read more on Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?…

The Huffington Post reports that popular populist Sen. Elizabeth Warren will assume a new leadership role in the rump Democratic caucus.
She will be “crafting the party’s messaging and policy” in a “new position created specifically for her,” which is a notable departure from what happened the last time a position was created specifically for her and Richard Cordray filled it instead, how rude!
Read more on Senate Dems Throw Elizabeth Warren-Shaped Bone To Annoying Liberal Base…

It’s a sad week for Democrats, and a really happy week for Republicans, at least most of them, except maybe for Scott Brown, who’s busy crying bitter tears and checking the real estate listings in Vermont and Maine.
Read more on Eric Cantor Is America’s Saddest Republican…

Hey, what’s former Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Hahaha) doing with all his free time now that he is no longer an esteemed member of Congress? If we had to guess, it would be gently sobbing while beating off to a montage of Ronald Reagan YouTube videos, barely visible through the shame-tears. Are we right, Wall Street Journal?
Read more on Wall Street’s Newest Tool: Eric Cantor…