THE BOOK OF HOLLOWING-OUT BOOKS

Do You Have Secrets? Then Let's Hollow Out a Bible to Keep 'em In!

1 My child, all of us know that the Holy Bible is good for all sorts of stuff: starting wars, say, or tricking hot high-school seminary students into going out with you. But let us not forget to use the Bible as a top-secret hidey-hole.

2 For by hollowing out its hallowed pages, Bibles can hold all sorts of secret junk! Like, say, marijuana. Or condoms. Or an evensmaller Bible.

Chapter Two

1 Find a hardcover Bible. The more ornate and old-timey the better; ideally, you want something that looks like it'd be in Giles' library on Buffy.

2 Get bored with this project and start watching Buffy, seasons one through seven.

3 Done with Buffy? Cool! Back to work! You'll also need Elmer's Glue, a small paintbrush, a pencil, a ruler, a glass of water, and an X-Acto knife.

4 Stir some water into the glue—this mixture should soak into the book's pages, but still be strong. Use just enough water to make the glue easily paintable.

5 Using the paintbrush, paint the watered-down glue onto the sides of the Bible's pages. (Using newspaper or foil, wrap the Bible's covers so they don't get stuck to the pages.) Make sure the gluey stuff is coated evenly.

6 Seriously, did you see that coming with Anya? I didn't! Crazy!

7 Put something heavy, like a small dog or neighborhood child, on top of the Bible. Let it dry overnight.

8 This is the shitty part, because it involves math. Open the Bible, and, using the ruler and pencil, draw the space you'd like hollowed out. Leave at least a half-inch to an inch as a "frame" around the section you'll hollow out.

9 This is the really shitty part, because it takes forever. Using the X-Acto, cut out the chunk of the first page along the lines you've drawn. Then do the next page. And the next page. And the next. Forever. Stop a few pages before the Bible ends so that your hidey-hole will have what master box-makers refer to as a "bottom." Throughout, make sure your cuts are straight and consistent; otherwise, this whole thing will look like crap and you'll have wasted my time.

10 Throw away the X-Acto so that you aren't tempted to revisit your childhood hobby of sobbing silently to yourself in the bathroom and making teeny-tiny little cuts where no one will notice as your parents negotiate the financial details of their divorce.

11 Uh, so I hope you didn't throw that gluey stuff away, because you still need it. This time around, get all up in the Bible and paint the inside of its pages.

12 Once again, wrap the Bible's cover so that it doesn't get stuck, and again, put something heavy on top of it, like a big can of beans. Let it dry for a day or two. I know that's a long time, but news flash, Chief: Not everything is about you.

13 Oooh, the infamous "unlucky" step! You'd better put a rabbit's foot in your newly hollowed-out Bible so that you don't have the bad luck of Our Heavenly Father finding out what you've done and cursing you to burn forever in Hell with your precious, oh-so-secret weed and condoms.