FACT, FICTION AND GATEWAY TO THE TOTENUNIVERSE

4 Absolutely Sure Fire Ways of Making Money Online Guaranteed

A quick blog, knocked out in ten minutes. The reason for the speed is because I’m practicing writing for a living. Yes, I know I’m already a professional published author (2015 income was in triple figures: $4.22) But there are more ways to skin a cat.

In the great tradition of blogging, I need to pander to those short of time, with narrow attention spans, and that don’t recognise letters unless there’s a number or a bullet point in front of them. For you, and other normal people here are three to four guaranteed ways to earn money by writing stuff* online.

1 – (a semi-legit method)

Paid for reviews – give the impression you know what you’re talking about, have some tangential relationship to the publishing industry and you can charge between $10 – $150 per review. (That’s £5 – £75 in old money.) And you can also specify what you’re prepared to review; the usual exclusions include vampires, bad language, and gratuitous sex and violence that isn’t ‘erotic fiction.’

2 – (a very unlegit method)

Paid for in-bulk reviews – commonly advertised on sites like PayPerHour. If you can do it, this is a potential gold mine. For best results use the following wording in your profile.

50 reviews posted to all leading online sales channels for $5 (that’s £2.50 in old money).

100 reviews posted to all leading online sales channels for $12 (£8)

250 reviews posted to all leading online sales channels for $50 (£35)

Publishers only, but for authors I will review your novel and post to the top ten leading online sales channels (including Sports Direct) for $7. (£4)

Reviews will be 140 characters maximum, thus making them ideal for Twitter. (Add a hashtag for 35 cents.)

Fast turnaround, spell-checked, and written in Estuary English.

Three successful writers who have followed my advice and earned enough to buy a new set of stylish clothes. (Photo Dylan Richards)

3 – (emerging method)

Professional Outrage Associates – Seed funding and hedge funds are already looking to invest in any company that can harness the power of the social media hate mob. Industry analysts expect writers could charge up to $1.50 (80p) for a rage-filled tweet depending on the original outrage.

No one as yet has monetized the Twitter lynch mob phenomenon. Ancient Greece had a system of professional mourners at the funerals of important types, so there is a precedent for the expression of fake emotion. Google have shown an interest, but will only proceed if they can incorporate ads into the messages.

4 – (existing business model)

Paid for free services – Using free hosting. and buying 100 000 followers for $25 (£17.99), you are all set to offer a Kindle free giveaway promotion website. Charges range from $25 – $1500 (£17.99 – £1200) depending on the duration of the free giveaway.

Guaranteed exposure, no guarantee of follow-up sales at the end of the promotion, but with a flashy Web 2.0 website and flat icons there’s no need for small print.

Potential earnings in the range of $4 000 000 per annum (£2.7 000 000 a year)

You don’t have to thank me for this information, but I will charge a 12% commission on any money you earn as a result of reading this article. By continuing to the end of this article we assume you have consented to this contractual agreement.

Finally somebody is going to give me what I want. This is amazing, Chris, and so exciting. I’m salivating here at the thought of my whirlwind international book tours. So I’ll take 2, 4, and 6 of #1. And if you can absutively guarantee exposure on Sports Direct, I’ll seed your first outrage and blame it on the EU.

Oh, you know what you’re talking about all right. Tell Sports Direct I’m okay with that. I’m not mad about the idea (full pockets make it harder to slouch and lie in my active wear) but I can’t argue with one hundred thoussssand pounds.