Heartbreak central

Talking to a third person after a breakup helps you get over the pain of ‘ex’quisite agony faster. Here’s why...

| TNN | Oct 7, 2012, 01.33 PM IST

Heartbreak central

Talking to a third person after a breakup helps you get over the pain of 'ex'quisite agony faster. Here's why...

When 25-year-old marketing executive Ankit Anubhav had a devastating heartbreak last year, for two whole months, he languished in self-pity and did everything possible to get over his pain, just like everyone else. But when he attended a book-reading session of Chocolate Guitar Momos by Kenny Deori, the germ for a unique idea originated — he decided to start a breakup helpline. "In the book, the protagonist described how he felt miserable after his girlfriend dumped him and wished there was a breakup helpline to help him move on instead of him surrendering to alcohol and cigarettes! That's when I decided to do something about heartbreak," he says.

In less than three months, the helpline website has garnered members from India and around the world (with an average of 30 calls a day). Unlike medical counselling, which is quite expensive, breakuphelpline.com offers most of its services free (emails and skype calls), except for members who opt for its customised services ( where for a fee of 2,500, they offer services that are unique to the caller's specific problem). Excerpts from an interview...

Why are people more comfortable opening up to a third person after a breakup?

When you are in a relationship, your friends and family get emotionally involved with your partner. When the relationship falls apart, everyone gets affected. Your loved ones end up judging you. But a stranger doesn't come with preconceived notions. He/she will hear you out and see the problem from your point of view. That's important.

Why are Indians so wary of seeking help for emotional problems?

We are yet to be educated about the fact that it's perfectly fine to talk about heartbreak. Suffering in silence is in our DNA. We need to understand that it's okay to seek help or get another person's point of view. Also, going to psychologists is often considered taboo. Then there's also the cost factor; I attended four psychotherapy sessions to see how they work, and for one session, they charged me 3,700, just for hearing me out!

From the calls that you've got so far, what seems to be the biggest cause for breakups these days?

The funny thing is couples in this tech-dependent age have the most communication problems. Texting leads to major misunderstandings. People simply don't talk to each other as much as they should.

Do only youngsters need help getting over their heartaches?

You'd be surprised to know that we started our services to cater to the age group of 18-25, but we have got responses from people who are almost 70 years old! We have even got a registration from a kid, who was in class 7. He was devastated after his girlfriend broke up with him because she scored four marks more than him in a test!

If one person in a relationship has moved on, but the other is still in love, what advice would you offer?

If you've truly loved someone and spent happy times with them, moving on from that person is obviously going to be a painful process, and it's not your fault if you are still in love. The first step is acceptance about the situation. They have to understand that things between the two of them have changed forever and that the other person has moved on in the relationship and won't ever feel the same. For inner peace, you will have to accept ground reality first. Once you have taken that step, you can then begin the process of healing, taking one day at a time.

How can one help people deal with their heartaches?

It's simple. You have to indulge them. For example, I have a Spanish customer, whose boyfriend used to write her a lot of handwritten letters. She really missed that. So she wrote to us saying that it would be great if someone could write her handwritten letters, in ink. We did just that!

Most people who've just had a breakup like waking up with calls or messages telling them that they are cared for. Sometimes, when they are sad, they ask me to list out reasons as to why they are better off single. It's these little things that matter.

Do men and women approach love differently?

There isn't much difference. They are both human beings at the end of the day. But I have noticed one difference — men are okay with dating women who may have different inerests, be it movies, books, music, clothes... but women look for common interests in the men they are seeing. They like men with similar hobbies and tastes.

Frequently asked questions

When will I get over this madness? Will I be able to ever get over my ex? How do I delete him/her from my memory? What do I need to do to get over my ex? Why do his/her thoughts keep coming back? Will I be able to truly love someone else again?

Mantras to follow after a breakup

Don't keep in touch with your ex. You can never be 'friends' with him/her Throw away anything and everything that reminds you of him/her Delete them from all your social networking accounts. You don't want to see your ex in some party pictures and cry over it Exercise your new-found freedom. Hang out with your close friends Pursue your hobbies Lastly, take a printout of the above rules, paste it on your wall and follow them!

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