Rockford, IL – As an assignment to create a local flyer for this Saturday’s farmer’s market spiraled out of control while trying to simply add a second column to the document, local event coordinator Shawn Ponderosa’s Google search queries for an answer grew hostile enough to draw attention from the FBI’s Cyber Crimes division. Ponderosa’s searches started innocently enough when he Googled “how to adjust microsoft word columns”, but the top 100 results were unanswered posts begging for help on Reddit.

Ponderosa then began searching for YouTube tutorials, only to find that the 30-minute long videos were either applicable to a different version of Microsoft Word, or had been pulled from YouTube after Microsoft flagged the tutorial as a content violation.

Ponderosa’s Google searches quickly went downhill from there, much to the FBI’s chagrin. Records indicate that he then searched:

“Why is Microsoft Word such a giant pile of crap”

“Why did man invent word processors when paper works fine”

“Why technology will destroy mankind”

“Microsoft office address”

“Why has no one flown a plane into Microsoft headquarters”

“How to rent a plane in Seattle”

Ponderosa is currently facing federal charges, and the Rockford farmer’s market has been forced to print its flyers on two pieces of paper.