Hank’s Blog – En Español por Favor

Posted by Adrian Piekarz

11 years ago

As many of you know, yours truly recently got a promotion thanks to some serious badassery in the form of taking down public enemy numero uno. Well, the new title is great and that little salary bump ain’t hurting, but the transition’s been a little… bumpy. I mean, there’s some serious shit going down El Paso way. Serious. Shit. I don’t really even want to get into it, but I have never seen anything like what I saw the other week. It was… it was bad.

You know what — let’s move on, shall we?

Part of this promotion process involved the very strong suggestion from los Jefes that the Hankster learn a little Español. Yeah, I was thrilled all right — there’s nothing I like better than vocabulary exercises. My superiors want me to go to some classes. Ay yi yi. I’m not gonna sit in some shithole community college while some douchenozzle makes me conjugate verbs. I’d rather hammer nails through my scrotum you guys, I mean it. And my wife wants me to get some ridiculous CD-ROMs she saw on TV. Now, I’m not spending five hundred dollars on a couple of computer lessons — I don’t care if they are endorsed by NASA or whatever-the-hell. I promise you, when I need to learn Martian so I can bust E.T. the dope dealer, then I’ll pay that five hundred.

Gomie’s taught me a few phrases here and there, but I stopped trusting the bastard after I asked him how to say, “How many people on the premises?” and he “accidentally” taught me how to say… well, it was a little too filthy to share here without violating the website’s terms of service.

For now, I’m trying to do this on my own. Borrowed some textbooks from my nephew and told the kid I’d take him to the shooting range if he helped his Uncle Hank learn a few key phrases — just enough so I know what the guys in the El Paso office are saying about me. The kid seems up for it — nothing secures a teenage boy’s devotion more than the promise of firearms (or beer… but his mom’d kill me). Unfortunately, he told me that at school they don’t teach him the, shall we say, more colorful vocabulary. It’s a shame. I’m thinking maybe I might have to take that up with his muy caliente Vice-Principal.