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They drive hatchbacks, listen to Queen and would sooner nurse a quiet half in their local gastropub than spend the evening glued to the sticky dancefloor of a city centre nightclub. No, we’re not talking about the middle-aged: this is the generation of young fogeys aged 30 to 35 who, according to a new survey by Nationwide, are enjoying a far quieter life than you might think.

As someone who turned 30 earlier this year, it is news I can only embrace. For although my first decade as a legal adult was fun, fast and frenetic, it was a little too chaotic for my liking. I was so broke that I simply stopped checking my bank statements for a while - I knew the gist would be, “There is nothing for you here”.

During most of my twenties, the idea of entering my thirties in a nice flat, a stable relationship and with money in a savings account seemed less likely than starting the decade on the moon. But life is more stable than ever now, and it’s far from boring - in fact, it’s blissful.

You know you’re ready for your thirties when you don’t want to celebrate by staying out all night drinking neon cocktails but feel like toasting yourself with a small glass of chilled Chablis and an early night instead. Here’s a (by no means exhaustive) list of the other secret truths about today’s not-so-crazy 30-somethings.

You embrace your inner nerd

You nurture a non-ironic obsession with quiz shows and worry if you can’t get more than one thing right on University Challenge. You’ll stay in on a Friday night to watch 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown and can hardly believe you ever preferred to see in the weekend at a rave in an old multi storey car park. What were you thinking? Your poster girl is now Countdown’s Suzie Dent - boys want her, girls want to be her.

You’re bad with money in a brand new way

You’re totally over payday trips to Primark, and those overexcited Saturday night Milky Bar moments when you yell “Jaegerbombs are on me!” You pride yourself on your fiscal responsibility, yet sometimes a sneaky, wheedling inner voice tells you, “Thirty quid is a completely reasonable amount of money to spend on a candle.” Well done for earning more money and literally burning it.

University ChallengeCredit:
PA

You want to learn more about the world…

…and have a bookmarked tab full of worthy, 5,000 word articles from The Economist and The New Yorker, which you optimistically attack on your commute, vowing to dazzle the world with your newfound knowledge by dinner time. Never again will you be at a loss for words when someone says “wither Darfur?”

…But you’re still a child of the internet with the attention span of a sleep-deprived goldfish

You’ll reread a paragraph about South Korean economic policy four times before giving up and spending hours doing quizzes on Buzzfeed in order to find out ‘Which Nineties Kids TV Show Character Are You?”

Parties aren’t for pulling - they’re for proving you know how to make pastry

You’ve given up on having house parties because you’re fed up with finding fag ash in your bath afterwards. However, you’re periodically seized by an urge to make something you saw Nigella do, and force your friends to eat it off artfully mismatched Anthropologie plates. You have at least one ludicrous kitchen gadget and have given a dinner party specifically to show it off. It has given you a permanent scar or serious injury.

Younger people think you have psychic abilities, because you know when it’s going to rain

Before going out, you consult your weather app. You don’t just have an umbrella, you still have the matching cover it came with. On occasion, your friends have stopped you from rushing up to shivering twentysomethings and offering them your coat.

You learn to love being organised

If you have to get a train, you book it as early as possible in the hope of scoring cheap first class seats. (You’re still young enough to get a little bit overexcited about the free newspapers and biscuits.) That said, occasionally you almost miss your journey while queuing for your preferred brand of gin in a tin. But you’d rather saw your own leg off than get the Megabus ever again.

Nigella is an inspirationCredit:
BBC

You’ve learned to look after your body

You know what a cold pressed juice is, and it’s been well over a year since you last Googled “Crisps + vegetables + five a day?” Your moisturiser costs more than a night out - and you hope that this somehow compensates for the fact you still occasionally pass out without washing your face.

Responsibility doesn’t scare you as much as it used to

Having kids no longer seems quite the terrifying impossibility it once did. You don’t even mind that they’ll curb your partying. In fact you’ve already curbed it voluntarily, after a series of ever more painful hangovers reminded you you’re no longer the invincible young buck you once were.