LETS TALK ABOUT SEX​Sex Therapy, Sex Research & Sexual Experience

Bee is a 25year old writer from the North West. She mainly can be found curled up with a good book and a big cup of tea (milk, no sugar thanks!).

This is a very powerful piece about Bee's personal experience of an abusive relationship. She exposes the vulnerability of those entering a BDSM relationship, and how an abuser can manipulate the BDSM relationship between the dominant and submissive to justify their abuse. In the wake of the 'Fifty Shades' phenomena, and BDSM (or, at least a version of it) becomming more mainstream, Bee offers an important voice that echoes the concerns of the BDSM community; 'Fifty Shades' is not a BDSM relationship, it is an abusive relationship. Such a dynamic is not romantic, or glamorous; it is dangerous, damaging and painful.

This is a very brave and vulnerable piece. It contains descriptions of abuse. We are extremely grateful to Bee for sharing this.

“I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, backward, forward. “Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.” - E.L James, Fifty Shades Of Grey​The publication of Fifty Shades of Grey pushed the world of BDSM further into popular culture. While the, if you will, "vanilla" population, had heard of bondage and spanking, the book romanticised the Dom/sub relationship. The reaction was immense, the book gained rapid popularity, one book turned into three and soon after the movies followed. I don't think it's unfair to summarise that the largely women following of FSOG were sold the excitement of being "owned" by a handsome Dominant lover. To say that Grey is also a multi-millionaire only adds to the allure.

I've never classed myself as a submissive. Yes, I enjoyed my men to take control but I was no novice in the world of kink and BDSM. I was very comfortable with my sexuality and my wants and needs. I'd enjoyed past relationships where mutual respect and mutual pleasure was key. However, when I split with a long term partner, my confidence was at an all time low. Whilst at my most vulnerable, I met T on a website designed for those looking for a connection based on sexual kinks and desires.

I should have seen the warning signs at the very beginning. On our first date, he drove me to a secluded woodland where he asked me to get into the back of the car and proceeded to kiss me holding my neck in position. When he called me "his", I found it flattering. Someone wanted me! It didn't matter I wasn't intensely attracted to him. Here was a guy who promised I'd be his "princess", he'd take care of me because that's what I 'needed'.

The first two months I explored a submissive side of me I'd never before. At first it was exciting but it began to wear thin. While T was continuing to be the devoted partner, the cracks began to show. Every so often, a flicker of his manipulation shone through. I had a close friend who I spoke to daily; however, I had told him of a time she had upset me. He told me I had to stop talking to her, it was for 'my own good'. I tried to refuse but he said "I will be very unhappy if you decide to talk to her and I will have to punish you". Punishing me involved whipping me, usually until I cried. This wasn't a fun or sexy side of submission. This was fear and complete control. I don't enjoy pain; it doesn't turn me on. That's not a part of my sexuality.

I was told repeatedly that he only punished me because that's what I deserved and how else would I learn if he didn't? He told me I had an attitude problem and I needed to learn he was in charge, but it was only because he cared for me and wanted the best for me. The worst part was I believed it. I often cried during 'punishment' because I was filled with intense self-loathing and truly believed I did deserve it.

He held me after 'punishing' me while I sobbed and apologised over and over. It was okay, I was still his princess, he still loved me but next time I'll learn.

Our sex life began to involve more submission and more control during the following months. He enjoyed the same kinks as me so I can't say it was always terrible. But he started to perform acts and force me to perform acts I didn't want to. I know what I like and I know what my limits are, he knew too but he didn't care.

Outside the 'sex time' if you will, it continued. He gave me a bracelet which locked onto my wrist and he kept the key. This was to show I was his possession. I hated it. I was unsure about wearing it yet he put it on me during a session at a BDSM club and I couldn't get it off.

He began to call me a different name as the one I had wasn't "feminine" enough. He started telling me how to style my hair and how to dress; I had to wear dresses instead of jeans and I wasn't allowed to cut my hair because "women have long hair". He wanted me to wear more makeup. It felt like I was to become a living doll or, to use his words, a fuck toy. He wanted me to be as 'girly' as possible but be ready to be fucked at any moment.

I woke up on occasion with him fondling me, his fingers inserted inside me, while he told me "this is mine, I can do whatever I want to it". I argued back and told him "no, it's mine" but I was, in no uncertain terms, his possession. I was his, my body belonged to him and I can't refuse. If I tried to push him away, I was held still.

This is not how a D/s relationship should be. I know many D/s relationships where the Dom is caring, protective, loving and the sub ultimately has control. They decide the limits and the boundaries and any Dom worth their salt won't step over this mark. It is agreed upon. It might not always have the famous FSOG contract but the verbal agreement won't be ignored. Safewords are adhered to. This wasn't the case with mine and T's relationship. I didn't have a safeword, it would continue with or without my consent.

Towards the end, I became terrified of sexual intercourse. He was well endowed and I've never been able to handle large penetration. On many occasions he caused me to bleed. I didn't want any penetration for the last two or three months. It would make me cry as it became so painful. I couldn't relax when he tried to enter me. This was of course my fault, as he told me. I began to try and refuse intercourse. However, as I was often in bondage, I couldn't stop him. I cried and tried to tell him no. But as I was his to 'use and fuck' he continued.

It wasn't until I broke up with T (in quite a dramatic way - I ended up sobbing in his driveway telling him I didn't want to be anywhere near him. He was fuming and called me an "ungrateful ugly bitch" before changing his tune "I was looking at rings to propose to you, I'll kill myself now!") that I realised what had happened wasn't right. I snapped the bracelet clean off my wrist in front of him.

I am still scared of penetration. I finally ended the relationship with T in March 2016. It's now December and despite dating and 'pulling' in night clubs, I can't bring myself to invite a man into my bed again and I can't begin to consider intercourse or even masturbation despite it being 'my control'. This is especially frustrating as a girl has needs!

People ask me now why did I not report him. The problem is it's his word against mine. He can easily argue that I wanted it. He can argue he did nothing wrong as that was the nature of our D/s relationship. There is no proof that he abused me in this way. I don't have scars. He could easily twist what I say to say "she's imagining it. She's making it up". Is it really worth the dragging back to the surface the pain and the shame? Is it really worth your family and friends seeing you in a new, embarrassing light?

Being a submissive can be a beautiful and exciting experience. You put your trust in someone completely and they promise to respect and care for you. A Dom can take you on a powerful sexual journey, creating amazing mutual pleasure. I'll always remain sceptical of any man who declares they are a Dom. There are too many men (and women I'm sure) who use the world of BDSM to exert extreme control over a vulnerable, trusting partner.

I'm sorry to hear about Bee's experience. In fact, there are many, many amazing and caring people in the BDSM community, so I hope she finds a better relationship soon. There are a lot of resources out there about warning signs, negotiations, etc. but it sounds like she's aware of that. However, I would like to recommend to her the Loving BDSM podcast with Kayla Lords and John Brownstone. They concentrate on discussing (in an open and often funny way) the day to day struggles people face in maintaining a loving, kinky relationship in real life situations; the anti-Fifty Shades experience if you will. Kayla Lords also has, as part of her blog, a regular series called Masturbation Monday's which might help Bee reconnect with that aspect of her sexuality. Best of luck to her.

Reply

Cassie

12/22/2016 02:08:15 am

Sending love Bee. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us.