Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I am in a hurry to see if IVF would actually work, so I can be definitely pregnant or not. We were planning to go to the Czech Republic in May, but that seems like a dreadfully long time to wait, especially considering the fact that I have fallen for some teenagers in Texas and we are very interested in them. I am pretty sure that you can't adopt from foster care within a year of a "life changing event" - meaning the birth of a baby, which I simultaneously see the wisdom in, and yet really resent. I just vaguely remember this rule, so I don't know that it is cold hard fact, but it does weigh on my mind. The last time I checked with my licensing coordinator he basically told me to not hope for news about the background checks until mid January. I am trying to be patient. I cannot even inquire about these kids without an adoption license from my state. Optimistically, that will be months away. So in the mean time I check the kids' listing every single day in hopes of maybe seeing updated photos or to see that their bio has been pulled - meaning they are likely in the process of being adopted by someone other than me. I would be a little heart broken by that, but only a little because I have been praying everyday for months and months that someone perfect would have the courage and ability to adopt these kids, and if that person isn't out there, that I could be able to at least put in an official inquiry. The oldest sibling will be 17 in January. That means he only has one year before aging out. Teenagers have a lot of say (at least I have been told they do) in the adoption process, so I feel really good knowing that essentially, I will put in an offer, and the kids will get to be picky about me. I want them to be. Life has handed them a crap deck of cards - they should get to be picky about something in their life for once. And I don't have a clue if H and I and moving far away to a cold place would be good for them, but I feel so strongly that they should at least know that there was a crazy young lady in Utah who dreamed of them, and thought they were the most beautiful faces she had ever seen.

I think everyone has their favorite passion in life. The thing that if we had unlimited time and resources we would give to freely. For some it's animals, for some it's children in Africa. For some it's caring for the elderly. You name a cause and there is a heart that beats for it. My heart feels so big for these kids and just dies to think of how many great kids age out of foster care. I didn't need my parents very much when I was a teen, but man do I need them now. Years ago we watched a movie in our foster training classes in Texas where adults who had grown up in foster care talked about their experiences. A handsome grown man talked about his experience in care as being mostly positive and all he had achieved on his own since aging out but became very emotional when he said "I was rough around the edges, but I was a good kid. Why didn't anyone want me? I would have been such a good son." I have thought about that so much. When I proposed the idea of these specific kids to H, his first thought was of his fears that older kids don't have as much time to bond with you since they are in your home for a shorter time, but then he said how he remembered the man from that movie, and how it probably does mean so much to simply be wanted.

So yeah. This was a post meant to announce that I am starting IVF very soon - Lupron injections begin on the 17th of January, with a prego test the first week of March if all goes well.I have been really angry about being forced to do IVF and have repeatedly felt the need to make my opposition to the whole thing known. But under the anger, I know that a wonderful human could actually result from this, and my very trying means the world to my husband, and in the end the only value money has is in how it is used. So somehow burried in my rage I have found a tiny bit of hope. And straight from heaven has come a peaceful feeling and a whisper of "You can do this. You will be OK" And believing that has made all the difference this week.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

But H cleaned his side. Yay.Yes. This is my grown up husband with a headset on playing a war game in camo pajama pants.I got word that I had to make a homemade present for my bro in law who has distinguishing taste, and all for under $10. So I put roof flashing into a thrift store frame and made some funny magnets. Oh yeah, first I moaned and groaned about it for a couple weeks. But now I feel so accomplishedThese little guys are what got me out of my Christmas slump and inspired me to finally decorate on the 16th of December. Instead of Christmas bonuses my work gives each employee a Steinbach nutcracker. I thought that was the wierdest, lamest thing and planned to learn how to ebay mine the day after the party. I unwrapped it at home - and lo and behold, they are kind of awesome. Something so nice, and an extravagance I would never buy on my own, so basically the perfect gift. And I kind of like their creepy smiles.

I had to memorialize my first Christmas tree that doesn't suck. Mom loaned me her pretty ornaments and I bought a funky white tree from Walmart. My first tree ever was erected last year and taken down before Christmas because it was so pitiful. I regret not documenting that one. It was one of those sad in the moment things that would be really funny now.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I'm thankful for previous posts. The dark gloom of IVF has settled in and I can't even remember that I ever felt positive about it. That lonely blog post of last month is my only proof. Glad I a least have that.

I spent last week rounding up new blood tests (they have to be no more than six months old), and then went to an IVF consultation appointment with my doctor here. We signed in, then the lady behind the desk cheerfully asked us for $395. Mother Effer it was a great blessing I don't carry a weapon. Never in my life have I fought so hard to keep a calm, sane exterior. H told me later he almost lost it too, and that made me feel better. Nothing makes you feel homicidal like paying $400 for the priviledge of speaking to a doctor who you are about to pay $14k for a one time shot at getting knocked up. I guess that pricey consultation also included the news that my doc recommends I get some other uterus test before they feel comfortable proceeding to take my $14k. It will only cost $700 and how convenient! they can do it right in there office. Bastards.

I know I sound obnoxiously glum. I am glum. Despite the gloom, the appointment truly did go well. So well that H was truly confused that I cried a little on the drive home, took a bath and went to bed at 7:30pm. I just wanted that day to be over so badly. Sleep was the best remedy I had. H was worried so wanted to talk a bit which turned into some kind of dysfunctional therapy session which really served only to make me want to sleep for the rest of my life. I was able to express to H that I feel blackmailed into doing this because I love him and know refusing to do IVF would likely cause irreparable harm to H and my marriage. He comforted me but never refuted those facts. We both know I am the one who has to give. He asked me why I was having a hard time since I had appeared to be doing so great at the consultation. Acting. I was acting my way through the consultation and plan on acting my way through this whole thing. I will play the character of hopeful lady. Every woman I know knows how to fake her way through lifes shit. Do men really not do this? I also was able to make it perfectly clear to him that though I genuinely hope to have a new and improved attitude about IVF, I can't guarantee anything remotely rosey, and if the procedure fails, it is in no way due to my bad 'tude. He told me that was ok as he does not believe in that hocus pocus. So good to hear. That was the best I felt all day.

It might be therapeutic to blog about WHY I am being all Eyore about IVF. There really are women out there who are so happy and grateful to have this as an option. There are women who want this so badly, and have to cajole their reluctant husbands into it. What's my deal? Adoption is a happy, viable option to me. It is the beautiful wonderful alternative that I wanted long before I was even married. H loves the adoption idea too, but I don't think he would have considered it if we were able to easily have biological children. The infertility stuff has hurt beyond my worst nightmare. I'm done. I want to move on down a happier path, but H needs the closer of IVF. I just pray so hard that we really get the baby we seek or the closure he needs to move forward.

About Me

I am a woman who, despite best intentions, modern medicine, bad advice, and a whole lotta good old fashioned trying, cannot reproduce. I am the genetic mule. These are the stories of my quest for a baby, my denial that I want a baby, and every other thing in between. I have found the best ways to cope with this particular brand of tough stuff is by sharing the sadness and looking for the humor in infertility with fellow mules. Sarcasm, dark humor, occasional bitching, and of course frequent crying all seem to help me. One thing that I have particular trouble with is HOPE. I'll work on it.
But here is something sweet for those of you tough enough to handle some of the H word. I did a google search of "genetic mule" just before I published my first post to make sure no clever person had stolen my name before I got to it, and the only thing that came up was this:
http://www.eyeondna.com/2007/07/31/genetic-impossibility-female-mule-gives-birth-to-foal/
Read it and weep. I did. I guess there is hope even for a mule like me.