Phoebe : Sure. It's just as well... I mean, last year wasn't very good. I think she's losing her touch.

Monica : What? You are way off, lady!

Phoebe : Am I? Really? Am I? Well, why don't you cook Thanksgiving dinner and prove me wrong! Well, think about it, think about it, you'll be trying to top than you did last year. You'd be in competition... with yourself.

Monica : That's my favourite kind! Okay, we are doing this!

Chandler : Don't let yourself get manipulated this way!

Monica : Hey, stay out of this, Chandler! This is between me... and ME!

Chandler : We are supposed to make these decisions together! Did you not watch the Doctor Phil I taped for you?

Monica : Ok, let's see... uhm, okay, the turkey is in the oven, the stuffing is ready...

Chandler : You know, you always cook this meal all by yourself. Let me help this year.

Monica : Oh, Chandler, that's sweet. But you don't have to do everything Doctor Phil tells you to do.

Chandler : I'm serious, let me do something, just not the turkey or the stuffing, nothing "high profile".

Monica : Ok, let's see... Oh, the cranberry sauce, it is easy to make and no-one really cares about it.

Chandler : Tell me more.

Monica : Okay, I'm gonna go check on something across the hall. You start by washing these (she gives Chandler a bowl with cranberries. Then, while she's going outside, she sees him with a bottle of soap in his hands) Not with soap!! (she leaves)

Chandler : You obviously haven't tasted my Palmolive potatoes!

(Ross and Joey enter)

Ross : Hey! Hey, guess what Joey has!

Joey : Three tickets to today's Rangers game!!

Ross : Dude, I wanted him to guess.

Joey : Oh.

Chandler : Oh my God!

Joey : Yeah, they're great seats too!

Ross : Guess where they are?

Joey : Center ice.

Ross : Did I do something to you?

Chandler : Hmm, the game's at one.

Ross : So?

Chandler : Dinner is at four, we'll never gonna make it back.

Joey : So we'll leave before it's over, we'll be back in time.

Chandler : You say that now, but it could take us a long time to get back home. Plus Joey could get lost and and they could have to page us to go pick him up.

Joey : Dude, two times that happened!

Chandler : Look, Monica has been working hard all day, she didn't wanna host this thing in the first place, we shouldn't go!

Ross : He's right, man.

Joey : Right, I guess. Alright, so see you at four.

Chandler : Okay. (pause) And get ready to taste my very special cranberries. Or should I say... chanberries!

Rachel : Oh Phoebe, listen. Well, I think we gotta go. This place is really freaking me out. I've been watching this guy over there, I don't think he came with a kid!

Phoebe : We can't leave now! There was this one baby, Haley, who was favourite to win and she got croup, so she had to stay home! This competition just blew wide open, folks!

Rachel : Phoebe, I think... It's just too weird, I just saw a one year old running around with pantyhose on!

Phoebe : Oh, I know, we should have been more prepared. (she looks around) It's okay. Now, the way I see it, our real competition now is Cameron. Oh my God, they just took her sweater off. Look at those arms! Hello Michelin Man.

Rachel : Oh, Phoebe! Come on! You know what, it's already three o'clock and they haven't even gotten to Emma's group yet. We gotta go, we got dinner!

Phoebe : (panicking) But Emma's got what it takes, she could go all the way!

Rachel : Phoebe, you have to calm down.

Phoebe : Okay. Rachel, the hottest babies in the Tri-State Area are in this room right now! I overheard one of the judges say that not one of them holds a candle to Emma!

Chandler : I can't believe they are not here! I slave and I slave for what? They've ruined cranberry day!

[Scene: The corridor. Ross and Joey have just arrived.]

Joey : How late are we?

Ross : Forty-five minutes.

Joey : Wow (He opens his apartment door and throws their stuff in.)

Ross : (handing him his coat) Here!

Joey : Okay. Rachel and Phoebe are already there, okay? So they probably started without us. We could just slip in and no-one needs to know where we were! (he raises his hands and on his right one there's a Rangers foam finger)

Ross : You may want to lose the foam finger!

Joey : Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You just want to put it on your hand!

(Rachel, Phoebe and Emma arrive)

Ross : Hey!

Phoebe : Oh!

Joey : You are not at Thanksgiving?

Rachel : No...

Phoebe : No, we're late!

Rachel : What are you doing here!

Ross : We're late too! (Rachel screams)

Joey : We figured we could be late because you guys were gonna be on time (he points the foam finger at the girls)

Phoebe : We're just... we're trying to figure out an excuse. Hey! Ooh! How about this: We can say that Monica told us 5 o'clock, not 4 o'clock. That way we're right on time! (Others start to agree but she continues) OR... or, we can plant PCP in the apartment and call the cops on her.

Ross : (sarcastic) That would be a good way to get rid of all the PCP we have lying around.

Rachel : You know what, we just say that she said it was 5 o'clock. We'll just act casual. We're not late, we're right on time. (When she finishes talking, a note is pushed from under Monica's and Chandler's door, into the hall. Ross picks it up and reads it out loud)

Ross : (Reading the note) We know you're out there. (Rachel gasps)

Joey : (whispering) Who do you think its from?

[time lapse – they are still in the hall]

Rachel : Oh, God. This is bad. This is so bad.

Ross : Well, let's just go in there and face them.

Phoebe : Well, I'm not going in first. I bet that vein on Monica's forehead is popping like crazy.

Joey : I hate that thing, it's like a... bolt of lightning.

Rachel : Oh, hey, I have an idea. Why don't we play rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses goes in first. (they all agree) Ready? (they do the rock-paper-scissor thing with they hands and Rachel has paper, Phoebe and Ross both have rock, while Joey is doing a strange upward wiggling with his fingers. They all look a him confused).

Joey : (smiling from ear to ear) Ah-haah! I win!!

Ross : What is that?

Joey : That's fire. Beats everything.

Phoebe : Oh, really? Does it beat water balloon? (She places her hand over his "fire" and mimics a bursting water balloon, thus putting the fire out).

Joey : Ooh! Well played, Phoebe Buffay, well played.

Rachel : Alright, enough, enough, come on. Let's just all go in at the same time.

All : Alright, okay. (Phoebe reaches for the door, and tries to open it but it's locked)

Phoebe : It's locked.

Ross : Wha...? Oh sure, now they lock it, but when they're having sex on the couch, its like: "Come on in, my butt is surprisingly hairy".

Rachel : Alright, come on... (starts to knock on the door) Alright, you guys. We're so sorry we're late. Please let us in, so we can have dinner together.

[cut to Monica and Chandler]

Monica : No! Everything's cold. The turkey's dried out and the... the stuffing is all soggy.

Chandler : Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry sauce that... (speaking lower to Monica) what happens to cranberry sauce?

Monica : (Rolling her eyes) Nothing. It's fine.

Chandler : (relieved) Oh thank God!

[cut to the hall]

Ross : Come on you guys, we're sorry, alri...? Our subway broke down.

Chandler : (looking through the peephole) That's a lie, you went to the game, I can see Joey's hand.

Ross : (to Joey, who is wearing a blue, 3 foot hand) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE IT OFF!! (takes it off his hand and throws it on the floor)

Rachel : You guys, come on, it doesn't matter why we're late. We're all here now, please let us in so we can have some of your delicious turkey. (A slice of turkey on a piece of aluminum foil is slid under door)

Joey : I had a dream once about a fax machine that did that. (Ross picks it up)

[cut to Monica and Chandler]

Monica : That's all the turkey you're gonna get.

[cut to the hall]

Ross : How are we gonna decide who gets this?

Joey : (holds his fist up) WATER BALLOON! (he stuffs the slice in is mouth and gives the foil back to Ross)

Phoebe : What are we gonna do? I'm starving.

Rachel : (gasps) Oh, I just remembered. We do have something to eat. Monica put something in our oven this morning.

Phoebe : Oh yeah!

[cut to Monica and Chandler]

Monica : Hey, you touch that and you will be sorry.

Chandler : Guys, I'd listen to her. The vein is bigger than I've ever seen it. (Monica looks at Chandler)

[cut to the hall]

(Rachel comes out of the apartment holding a pot. Joey holds in anticipation and Rachel opens it)

Joey : Come on you guys, we want you to know we're (His eye widen even more) very very sorry. (Monica and Chandler are now covering their eyes with their hands) (then to the others in the hall) Right guys?

(Ross head appears above Joey's, Rachel's below Joey's and Phoebe's at the bottom)

Ross : I feel terrible.

Phoebe and Rachel : So, so sorry.

Joey : (smiling) Now let's not ruin this day. You worked so hard. Let's move past this and try to have a nice meal all together, huh?

Chandler : The floating heads do make a good point.

Monica : Yeah, they do seem to feel pretty bad.

Rachel : So bad.

Ross : So bad.

Phoebe : So bad.

Monica : (Gets up) Okay, okay. You two (to Phoebe and Rachel) go get the dessert. And I'll let you in.

Rachel : Dessert?

Monica : Yeah, I asked you and Phoebe to pick up the pies. You did remember, right?

Phoebe : Pies, oh, we thought you said priiiize (goes to the hall and comes back with Emma's trophy in her hand). Here! (gives it to Monica).

(Monica takes it and reads the label)

Monica : Grand Supreme Little Darling?

Rachel : Congratulatioooons!

Monica : Oh my God! YOU FORGOT THE PIES? Well, I cannot believe this. You force me to make dinner, then you're an hour late and you forget the one little thing that I asked you to do.

Ross : Really girls, not cool.

Chandler : Well, you manheads aren't any better. You lied about going to the game. You knew it would make you late, and you still went anyway.

Joey : Hey! I'm getting a little tired of this okay? We said we're sorry. It's Thanksgiving for Pete's sakes! A day of forgiveness!

Ross : It's a day to be thankful.

Joey : (to Ross, mouthing) Don't make me come up there!

Monica : It's too late for apologies.

Joey : Fine! Let's just go. I don't need your stupid dinner.

Chandler : That would be a lot more convincing if you weren't drooling.

Rachel : Ewww, is that what that is?

Joey : Sorry!

Phoebe : Come on you guys, let's just do our own Thanksgiving.

Rachel : Yeah! I'll cook!

Ross : Yeah! Let's go out.

Rachel : Hey!

Joey : Yeah! You three have a nice Thanksgiving.

Monica : The three of us?

Joey: Yeah! You, Chan, and the vein!

(Monica gasps and holds her forehead. Phoebe, Rachel and Ross pull back their heads)

Monica : Alright, well, this does not change anything. (to Chandler) Okay, we need to get something to grease the sides of his face.

Chandler : Uhm, we've got turkey grease.

Monica : Bring it.

Joey : I just wanna say that I'm sorry I referred to the vein as a seperate person...

(Chandler gives Monica a footlong "eye dropper" with the turkey grease in it)

Monica : Here you go!

(She squirts some of the grease along Joey's face.)

Joey : Oh, that smells good!

(And he starts licking the grease which trickles down his face. Monica also squirts some on the other side of his face, and his tongue follows her movements.)

Joey : Okay.

Monica : Okay, try it.

(Joey tries to pull back at all his might.)

Joey : It isn't working.

Monica : Alright, we're gonna have to unscrew the chain.

Joey : Well hurry, I can't feel my ears!

Chandler : Can you ever feel your ears?

Joey : Interesting...

Monica : Chandler, where are your tools?

Chandler : (sarcastically) Oh, I left them on my bulldozer... I don't have tools!

Monica : I do, but Rachel borrowed them.

Rachel : I lent them to Ross.

Ross : I gave them to Joey.

Joey : I left them at the park.

Monica : Oh!

Ross : (looking at Joey's butt) I'm finding it really hard not to mess with him.

Phoebe : I've already stuffed a bunch of Brussel sprouts down his pants.

Ross : Nice!

(The phone rings in Chandler and Monica's apartment)

Monica : Okay, I have to get that. Now when I get back, I want you and your friends to be gone. Thanksgiving is over. The Vein has spoken.

Joey : It's really starting to hurt.

Chandler : Okay, look, I'm gonna pull on the door and you guys push as hard as you can. Maybe we can get enough room to wiggle him out, okay? Okay, so PUSH!

Phoebe : Just a sec., we're kind in the middle of something here.

(Rachel, Ross and Phoebe have their hands full and are stuffing all kinds of things down Joeys pants.)

Joey : Ooh! Stop putting things down my pants!

Chandler : Come on guys, PUSH!

Joey : Yeah! Come on!

Joey and Chandler : PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!

(The chain breaks loose from the wall, and because Joey was pushing with all his might, he propells into the kitchen, towards the table with all the food. This table has wheels underneath it, and when Joey falls on this table, he rides into the living room, with all the food falling off, until finally Joey also falls off... Joey gets up quickly, a bit agitated, and acting as nothing happened. He is covered in food stains.)

(Chandler can't believe what he's hearing. He looks at Monica, then at the others, then back at Monica.)

Chandler : What's going on?

Monica : That was the adoption agency...

Chandler : And?

Monica : WE'RE GETTING A BABY!

Chandler : Are you serious? (they hug)

Monica : There's a pregnant woman in Ohio, and she picked us!

(They all cheer and Rachel, Ross and Phoebe join in for a group hug. Joey also joins, but he stands back a bit, because he is all sticky of the food on him)

Rachel : I'm so happy for you!

Monica : This Thanksgiving kicks last Thanksgiving's ass!

(They all cheer and hug again, but Joey's eating the food off his shirt)

COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. The table is set, and there's food on the tables again. They're all there, toasting.]
Rachel : To Monica and Chandler... and that knocked up girl in Ohio.