Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Former Federal Reserve Chief Alan Greenspan says the U.S. is headed for a political crisis. To which people are asking him where has he been since 1964?

Experts say a wave of fake tax returns has been filed already. Authorities have pretty much learned how to figure out which ones are phony. They just look for the ones where people claim they actually have an income.

The University of Michigan has spent $16,000 on a program telling students not to say offensive words. Which most students can’t help when they get their first bill for payment on their student loans.

A teenage homicide suspect in Pennsylvania was arrested after taking a selfie with his victim and posting it on Snapchat. After basically confessing on a social media site, the judge is expected to throw the Facebook at him.

A teenage homicide suspect in Pennsylvania was arrested after taking a selfie with his victim and posting it on Snapchat. He was so good at taking selfies that the police were actually able to use one off his smartphone to use as his mug shot.

A study says that Australian mammals are going extinct at an alarming rate from wild cats and foxes. The only other animal species in Australia that is disappearing so fast is the shrimp from the effects of being placed on the barbie.

Pope Francis I says that it is Christian to protect the environment. The one exception being all the evergreen trees that are chopped down to be used just as a household decoration for a couple of weeks before getting tossed into a landfill right after Christmas.

NBC News anchor Brian Williams says he lied about events in Iraq because he was “scared” about the events that were unfolding around him. Although not as scared as he is now with the possibility of losing a $10 Million a year paycheck.

A poll says that U.S. small business optimism is at its highest since 2008. Mostly because for the past 7 years after the start of the recession it has been hovering right around zero.

A study says that financial decision making abilities decline with age. Which may explain how all the old men in Congress have managed to put the entire country $17 Trillion in debt.

A study says that financial decision making abilities decline with age. Which is evident by all the elderly people who think they even have a chance of retiring someday.

A report says that more than 300 lottery prizes of $1 Million or more went unclaimed in 2013. Mostly by Wall Street bankers who were afraid the extra money might put them in an even higher tax bracket and end up costing them a few more dollars.

A report says that driving with a .08 Blood Alcohol Level triples the risk of crashing a car while sober. Which is good because at that level people are too drunk to see well enough to text while driving which increases the risk of a crash by ten times.

McDonald’s worldwide sales fell after food scares at restaurants in China and Japan. How bad is it when people are wary of the quality of your food in a country that has seen soy sauce made from human hair, bread made of cardboard and reports of using infected snail meat?

Massachusetts Senator Edward Markey says that new automobiles are susceptible to being hacked to where other people can take control of the cars. Which is still safer than the person behind the wheel who is too busy texting while driving to notice.

Data says that 51% of U.S. households fall into the range of middle class. Which since 2007 mostly includes anyone who isn’t just plain flat broke.

Data says that 51% of U.S. households fall into the range of middle class. The other 49% were until they started getting the bills for their kids’ tuition loans.

American Express says the average family vacation in 2014 cost $4,800. Which amounts to two days’ passes to Disney World, two churros and a bottled water.

American Express says the average family vacation in 2014 cost $4,800. They came to that figure because that is the balance still left over on most American Express cards.

A survey says the average amount of money that will be spent on Valentine’s Day this year will be $142. Which apparently is the going rate of the standard STD test for two.

A survey says the average amount of money that will be spent on Valentine’s Day this year will be $142. Which means any less and you are dating a cheapskate, and anymore will make you wonder what they must have done wrong.

Sports Illustrated has released this year’s Swimsuit Edition. It’s for people who are willing to pay $8 to see beautiful women in bikinis because they apparently aren’t aware there are millions of pictures of completely naked women online they could look at anytime for free.

Netflix is now available in Cuba. The only difference is the movie “Castaway” where Tom Hanks is marooned on a primitive island with no modern amenities is described as a reality show.

Citigroup says that the price of oil could fall to $20 a barrel. At that point the only thing that will be falling further are the oil executives who will be jumping out their 40th floor office windows.

RadioShack has been cleared to continue sales in order close more than a thousand stores by the end of the month. Although not being able to sell any of their stuff is pretty much why they are going out of business in the first place.

Jeb Bush has reportedly hired the cofounder of Hipster.com. Which is the only time you will ever see the words “Jeb Bush” and “hipster” used in the same sentence.

Jeb Bush has reportedly hired the cofounder of Hipster.com. Which is not to be confused with John McCain who is closely associated with Brokemyhipster.com.

The NFL has named its first chief medical adviser. The first priority will be to figure out exactly when in his playing career Pete Carroll sustained the head injury that caused him to call that final pass play in the Super Bowl.

A study says that many Americans don’t handle poultry safely while cooking. Especially the part when it is done and they put it on a plate and give it to someone who will be eating the bleach, ammonia and antibiotics that are allowed to be used by the USDA.

A study says that 1 in 10 Americans feel that vaccines are unsafe. Those are the people you see walking around with a faceful of red measles spots.

A study says that 1 in 10 Americans feel that vaccines are unsafe. It’s not so much that they think the shots are unsafe, they are more worried about their homes to get vaccinated because of their fear they might fall off the edge of the Earth.

A study of cancer patients identified the signs of when death is imminent. Mostly when your insurance company sends you the notice you are being reassigned for membership at an HMO.

A study says that energy drinks are linked to hyperactivity and inattention with middle school students. In other words, they have no affect at all.

A study says that energy drinks are linked to hyperactivity and inattention with middle school students. The only question is who would be dumb enough to give a middle school kid an energy drink?

A study says that energy drinks are linked to hyperactivity and inattention with middle school students. That’s like saying Kirstie Alley is overweight because of the cupcake she ate last night.

A study says that the HPV vaccine doesn’t promote teen sex. At least not as much as being on Myspace.

Doctors are warning people not to hold measles parties for their children. If they want them to catch the disease they should instead just plan a trip to Disneyland.

A vendor selling “left shark” merchandise says he will fight a legal challenge from Katy Perry. The only problem for Perry is finding a legal team that will not have a conflict of interest in taking legal action against a shark.

A vendor selling “left shark” merchandise says he will fight a legal challenge from Katy Perry. Legal experts are already awaiting the shark taking the stand and having to swear to tell the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

MTV will bring back the original stars of the show “Teen Mom” this year. So far the word is the show will be shot between when they are at home in their government subsidized low-income apartments and at work waiting tables at the Waffle House.

Charlie Chaplain’s first Oscar was reportedly stolen. What’s worse is that a recent survey says when people are asked who is the movie star known as “The Little Tramp” the most common answer was Madonna.

Charlie Chaplain’s first Oscar was reportedly stolen. At least that is one crime that Adam Sandler will never have to worry about happening to him.

Iggy Azalea says that Papa John’s drivers gave out her personal phone number. Which is ironic in that in another year people will be calling her personal number to ask when she will be delivering that Papa John’s pizza they ordered a half hour ago.

Bruce Jenner says he will release his cellphone records for the investigation into a fatal car accident he was involved in. The weird part will be seeing all the selfies he has taken that are so far labeled “before.”

Bruce Jenner says he will release his cellphone records for the investigation into a fatal car accident he was involved in. The word is that his gender transformation may have played a part in the wreck as he called 911 after the collision to report a broken nail.

Caroline Wozniacki is featured in the latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. How ironic is it that someone who is able to model a swimsuit was able to make Rory McIlroy completely lose focus?

Cris Carter says that if Jerry Rice used stickum when he played football, he cheated. Which is not to be confused with all the players on the Cincinnati Bengals who keep getting in trouble because of stickups.

Peyton Manning is reportedly preparing to play in 2015. Apparently there is a job waiting for him in Seattle for when they need a backup quarterback who can actually complete a one yard pass.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Valentine’s Day is coming up. Millions of men will use their cellphones to save money on the special occasion. Mostly by texting a breakup note so they don’t have to buy flowers. You can save lots of money as well by using your phone, computer or tablet to make sure to remember to send the love!