Blokes teaching women how to argue?

A new course in America is teaching women in business how to argue like men. The organisers say this means using "head, not heart" language and employing traditional logic to express your beliefs.

I've never been in business, but this is not the way men argue at home. If women really want to argue like men, they should just come over to our place and listen in.

1. There are no grey areas.");document.write("

advertisement

");
}
}
// -->

Your relationship is either the best relationship in the whole world or it's a miserable farce. Don't attempt to suggest "there's just one little thing that maybe we can improve", because the man will spot exactly what you are up to. You are kicking the chocks from beneath the wheels of the whole cart, thus sending it hurtling downhill. "What? You'd like me to fetch the salad? So you're saying I'm lazy! That I do nothing! Well, I'm happy to cook the whole meal. I'll do it every night. On top of everything else. I'm just surprised you're obviously so unhappy with our life together. You sound like you want a trial separation. And that may not be such a bad idea. I mean, considering the way you're talking."

2. Circular breathing.

In traditional Aboriginal life, the didgeridoo can be played only by men. That's because it involves circular breathing, in which one never pauses to draw breath - drawing air in from the side of the mouth as it is simultaneously expelled through the front. It is thus perfect practice for the male arguing style. The aim is to produce a constant stream of hectoring sound, thus preventing your opponent from ever slipping in a single word. Indeed, you may like to consider buying your bloke a didge this Christmas. You'll be amazed to find he can play it perfectly, first go. And you may choose to say to him: "Darling, it's as if you've been practising for years."

3. Everything you say is about him.

Your comment that "I feel tired" is not just a general observation about the workplace, an aging body and the end of the week. It's a hostile surprise attack on him and the life you've set up together. Naturally, he will deal with it as such. Two hours later, lady, and you'll feel a lot more tired.

4. Problems must be either solved or denied.

Occasionally, you may come home with a problem so external to him and the household that he may be unable - despite his best efforts - to hear it as an attack on himself. This does not mean you cannot have a row. When you say "my boss refused my pay rise" you may be asking for a bit of sympathy; or just for a moment when the two of you "sit with" your disappointment.

Well, honey, you've come to the wrong department. Here at Bloke, we either solve problems or deny their existence. We certainly never "sit with" them. That's for girls.

Besides, are you sure you asked for the pay rise in the right way? It may be your fault you didn't get it. Have you considered doing it in writing? On the other hand, would you like me to just go and hit the bastard?

5. The importing of extraneous materials.

Some people, when arguing, say: "Stick to the point." Trouble is, you'll never win an argument that way. How to counter, for example, her stern observation that: "Last night, you drank most of a bottle of wine, plus three beers." You could deny it (difficult, as the bottles are still there, sitting by the couch); you could apologise and promise never to do it again (demeaning and, besides, she's not that credulous); or you can move the argument to fresh turf. As in the example: "Well, at least my uncle was never arrested for fraud."

6. Never say sorry.

Sorry, I'll rephrase that. Say "sorry" all the time, but with a range of inflections and modifiers that prove your "sorry" is about as sincere as an Iraqi peace proposal.

We especially recommend the classic "I'm sorry if you took it that way ..." with its understood addendum: "because only an idiot would".

7. The final word.

With the help of the methods above, men can usually survive most marital arguments, despite being less verbally skilled than women. They should always, however, insist upon The Final Word, which involves the man standing back and shouting: "I'm sick of arguing with you, you always win, and not because you are in the right, but just because you argue better."(Exit, down hallway, stomping.)

Who knows why American business women are paying for this sort of advice. Skilled practitioners and teachers are available for free, and in so many Australian households.