people have certainly been passing judgement on the daughter and ex wife...

You have to admit it's not unusual (as in very common) for a new spouse to resent commitments made in a past relationship.

The FAFSA thing is NOT silly. My father offered no support to me, but during my college years I had a very hard time getting federal aid. I had to file special circumstances and it got denied several semesters because I had a father making 65k. For your information, any parent making 65K pretty much excludes you from the Pell grant. When I finally got classified as independent I received $7000 in grants (pell grant + science grant). The government EXPECTS parents to contribute. I'm a little shocked by some of the parents in this thread treating their kids like deadbeats for wanting support through college.

I put myself through undergraduate AND graduate schools without so much as a drop of help...while working a full and 2 part-time jobs...and my parents made so much I got virtually no FA. You know what? It wasn't THEIR responsibility to pay for MY college. That responsibility belongs to the student...but of course, this generation has become one that expects someone else to do for them. This is why what this ex-wife and her daughter are doing to this dad is such a disgrace. They are conspiring to sap him dry.

And these aren't "kids"...we're talking about legal adults going to college by choice. No wonder Pew finds that 54% of adults aged 18-24 currently have jobs. You speak of them as though they're elementary school children.

Re: Child Support Woes

people have certainly been passing judgement on the daughter and ex wife...

You have to admit it's not unusual (as in very common) for a new spouse to resent commitments made in a past relationship.

The FAFSA thing is NOT silly. My father offered no support to me, but during my college years I had a very hard time getting federal aid. I had to file special circumstances and it got denied several semesters because I had a father making 65k. For your information, any parent making 65K pretty much excludes you from the Pell grant. When I finally got classified as independent I received $7000 in grants (pell grant + science grant). The government EXPECTS parents to contribute. I'm a little shocked by some of the parents in this thread treating their kids like deadbeats for wanting support through college.

I put myself through undergraduate AND graduate schools without so much as a drop of help...while working a full and 2 part-time jobs...and my parents made so much I got virtually no FA. You know what? It wasn't THEIR responsibility to pay for MY college. That responsibility belongs to the student...but of course, this generation has become one that expects someone else to do for them. This is why what this ex-wife and her daughter are doing to this dad is such a disgrace. They are conspiring to sap him dry.

And these aren't "kids"...we're talking about legal adults going to college by choice. No wonder Pew finds that 54% of adults aged 18-24 currently have jobs. You speak of them as though they're elementary school children.

BTW, parent of 3 now...so I know that of which I speak.

I totally agree. I put myself through college, too, and pay the student loan payment every month. I think this is part of what makes me so furiuos - it's so pathetic. I would never have done that to my dad, ever. I would have been too ashamed.

Re: Child Support Woes

Booner, reading through this whole thread I can't help but think your side of the story is seriously skewed. You sound overcome with bitterness and hate and it just doesn't make sense.

I would point out to everyone that there are very good reasons why someone in the daughter's position NEEDS the support from the parents.

When a child fills out a FAFSA for federal aid, they have to list their parents income. Depending on the parent's income this severely limits the financial aid they can receive. The only way around this is to file a special circumstances.

The accusation that she is not in school sounds dubious. You've thrown so many unrelated ad hominem attacks at this girl it's very hard to take your word for it.

DH didn't give copies of his taxes for her student aid, he didn't have to provide income, sign any forms, etc. If she is in school getting fin. aid, she listed income, she pulled it out of her arse or got it off an old child support court battle from 2005. You think the school is going to take that? This brings up another good point - if she is in school and getting fin. aid, how the hell did she get his info? Forging documents? Getting it via SSN behind his back?

OF COURSE MY SIDE IS SKEWED! THIS IS MY SIDE! And of course there are all sorts of things irrelevant to the child support directly, but it's the entire situation w/ this "child" that I'm fuming about. Please don't read my posts or comment to me if you are going to be calling me a liar. I know I will be putting you on my "ignore" feature.

Isn't there a rule here that if you can't say anything nice then you can't say it at all?

There has never been any proof whatsoever that she is in school. Period. Nothing FB ever mentions classes or tests or anything. Only partying. And you think it's past her to lie about this? It's not.

I would like to interject something into this discussion:

Being a bad human being, and being 20 kind of go hand in hand. Yes, I know there are many good people out there in the young adult world. But I look at some of my behavior towards certain people when I was 20, or the actions of my youth, and I am embarrassed. Being 20 is the definition of being self-serving, self-centered, and selfish.

Your DH's daughter reminds me an awful lot of my youngest sibling. She was the kind of kid who stole money from the christmas tree and skip town. She was the type of kid who had a baby, and left my neice with me and my mother and went to Cancun for 2 weeks without telling me. She was the kind of person abaondoned my neice to the father when she was 5 and hasn't seen her since. She steals money, she lies, she probably has mental issues and we hadn't spoken to her in 4 years.

Or maybe she doesn't now. Maybe I have no idea because I don't know her anymore. Know whats shes doing. Just making assumptions.

My dad died when she was 12. I was 19.

I can't help to think that if she had a strong male presence growing, maybe she wouldn' be this way. Maybe she doesn't have to be this way. Maybe I should call her up and try to reach out again. Maybe she will shun me and is still doing those crappy things.

I am 33 now. Maybe it is time to let go of my anger and try to help my little sister before she kills herself or someone else.

Maybe I am wrong.

But after reading this entire thread, I personally feel the anger has taken over every facet of whatever this so called relationship is with this troubled young lady. It saddens me because you remind me of me and my anger towards my sister.

Maybe there is a way for you to let the anger go. Maybe there is a way for me to let the anger go.

-scott

-scott

Hi, Scott. Thanks for sharing your sad story - it sounds like you miss your sister and want to reunite with her sometime soon. There is a way to let the anger go, but it requires a lot of mental and spiritual work, if you are ready. At the end of the day, all we have is our family and loved ones, that's really all that matters. I know this in my heart as much as you do. I am just not ready to do any of this work.

Re: Child Support Woes

Hi, Scott. Thanks for sharing your sad story - it sounds like you miss your sister and want to reunite with her sometime soon. There is a way to let the anger go, but it requires a lot of mental and spiritual work, if you are ready. At the end of the day, all we have is our family and loved ones, that's really all that matters. I know this in my heart as much as you do. I am just not ready to do any of this work.

Re: Child Support Woes

1) It's great that a lot of you older people paid for your own education. I did as well, but college is much more expensive now. My university in 2002 was $90 per credit hour, it's much much higher now. When I got my PhD fees were a third what they are now for the same program and I wasn't FORCED to have health insurance like every student is now ($1500 per year).

2) Again, the government calculates financial aid based on a presumed family contribution. If you're not contributing that, you're cheating your child out of the same resources other people are getting.

3) We're 'barely' talking about an adult. A 20 year old could use some understanding and guidance. All I've seen in this thread is vitriol.

4) There's a reason why child support laws have biased towards women. It's because women often get stuck with the responsibility of raising a child AND because men often gets the luxury of a more succesful career (i'm jumbling a lot of discrete factors but bear with me). My family line going back three generations is full of men leaving their family, making good money, and not supporting their children. Perhaps I'm a little biased because of that. Women who stay home and take care of their children are supporting the man's career while ruining their chances of independent financial stability. Men have a long track record of leaving women and children high and dry, so what if there's one example of a newly married man having to provide $300/mo in support? I doubt that's a significant burden. And to be clear, I'm male, and I don't foresee ever feeling particularly oppressed by having to support offspring I chose to bring into this world.

1) It's great that a lot of you older people paid for your own education. I did as well, but college is much more expensive now. My university in 2002 was $90 per credit hour, it's much much higher now. When I got my PhD fees were a third what they are now for the same program and I wasn't FORCED to have health insurance like every student is now ($1500 per year).

2) Again, the government calculates financial aid based on a presumed family contribution. If you're not contributing that, you're cheating your child out of the same resources other people are getting.

3) We're 'barely' talking about an adult. A 20 year old could use some understanding and guidance. All I've seen in this thread is vitriol.

4) There's a reason why child support laws have biased towards women. It's because women often get stuck with the responsibility of raising a child AND because men often gets the luxury of a more succesful career (i'm jumbling a lot of discrete factors but bear with me). My family line going back three generations is full of men leaving their family, making good money, and not supporting their children. Perhaps I'm a little biased because of that. Women who stay home and take care of their children are supporting the man's career while ruining their chances of independent financial stability. Men have a long track record of leaving women and children high and dry, so what if there's one example of a newly married man having to provide $300/mo in support? I doubt that's a significant burden. And to be clear, I'm male, and I don't foresee ever feeling particularly oppressed by having to support offspring I chose to bring into this world.

1. Who is "forced" to have health insurance? The mandate of the health care law hasn't even kicked in yet...and given the Supreme Court's apparant disdain for it, it's more likely that the entire law will be struck down anyway. And FYI, I'm not an "older" person...just one that was taught personal strength and resolve in lieu of dependency.

2. I don't recall saying anything to the contrary. My family was wealthy and paid SQUAT toward my college. I knew that and made my own destiny. We simply have different philospohies on this. I believe it is the adult's obligation to support herself, not the parents'.

3. No...a 20-year old can use a lesson in personal responsibility, not coddling. That is a TERRIBLE life lesson, with all due respect. One can provide understanding and guidance without paying her bills for her.

4. I'm male as well...and very rarely are women systematically removed from their children's lives. Women are routinely handed custody of children by judges who don't give it a second thought - even when those same women have affairs and/or issues with the responsible management of money that sparked the separation/divorce in the first place. Men, on the other hand, are turned into weekend fathers against their will with few exceptions. The system is inherently unfair to men...period.

Sorry, but we 100% disagree on this issue...and per a PM from a moderator, this will be MY final words on the matter. My stance is well-defined at this point and little or nothing is to be gained from continuing the conversation. You have your opinion, I have mine. Have a great day.

Re: Child Support Woes

I'm sorry you're catching as much grief on here about this subject. I can't help but relate to you. I too am a step-parent, but my step-son is only 17. Not to hijack your thread, but reading all the criticism you've endured, I feel compelled to speak my story a bit (of course it's far too long to go into details). I'm sure people will think of me as a "jealous" woman, but that's not the case at all.

I've been in my step-son's life for 9 years. During that time, we have watched his mother completely deteriorate her relationship with her son. She drinks and drives with him in the car (yes, he's reported it to us but since it's considered hearsay, we aren't allowed to bring this up in court), she's constantly putting her wants in front of his needs ($150 on a hair cut and dye job with the child support yet my step-son has to go to school in ripped jeans, or go without a $15 haircut), etc. Her latest attempt in degrading him involved him saying he wanted to spend some more time at his dad's house which prompted her to say "I don't know why you want to spend time with him, it's not like his name is on your birth certificate".

Sure - I've considered the fact that my SS could possibly be trying to play both sides of the fence...in other words - keep the feud between both households, but after witnessing him break down emotionally, I don't believe that's the case at all. I try my hardest to listen objectively to his experiences, but it's beyond difficult to not say how inappropriate she is acting. I find that she "punishes" him for the fact that she can't get along with my husband. That's not his fault at all....but it's all she has left to control.

As another poster said to you Booner - I KNOW I am bitter and I KNOW I shouldn't be. I'm bitter because this woman left a bad taste in my husbands mouth with regards to having children (yes, the old cliche of telling a man you're on birth control just to get pregnant...they weren't married at the time. How do I know she did this? Because when I used to speak to her - she told me to do the same thing!). I'm almost 32 years old and I've been married to the love of my life for 7 years and I've finally come to grips that I will never have a child with him...but there is a part of me that resents her.

So in conclusion, let the negativity from others roll off your back Boon. It's not worth getting upset about. There's clearly more to the story that people don't know, just like mine, so it's wrong to pass judgment. Being a step-parent is the least rewarding job in the world. You're expected to treat and raise a child as your own...but when you do, it's thrown in your face that you're NOT the parent.

Re: Child Support Woes

I think this thread has kinda got off track. From reading through the messages from the original poster, I got the impression that the biggest part of the issue is the lack of a relationship and communication with the young adult yet the expectation of money without any accountability. Even though the poster is experiencing heartburn over the money, if the young adult would communicate such as - this is my plan - go to school for X area of study, for X amount of time, and yes I need to have health insurance - I believe the poster would be able to work through the issues with much less emotional stress.

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