Thursday, May 26, 2016

Shopkins Must Be The Devil

The number of childrens' toys you can step on are legion, and each has its own home on a pain scale that ranges from "ouch, sharp army man knife in my foot" all the way to "I just tripped over a doll and fell down the steps."

Your move, foot.

And then there are Shopkins.

Now, I know that Legos are the big toy everyone posts about. Posting about how you stepped on a Lego almost seems like a right of passage. And sure, a well placed Lego to the foot hurts.

You can build towers with Legos. Legos are the original SimCity. Minecraft is Legos reimagined. Both of those are just electronic knockoffs of Legos, really. And Legos are so well loved they remain insanely expensive. You can build the Death Star (not to actual size I'm assuming...) - for a mere $584 (... but at this price, who knows). At 405 pieces, this "ultimate" building set could keep you busy for hours - and it better at $133.92. Of course, to really build, you'll need base plates. Thankfully, you can buy a six-pack - for $27.95.

Those prices just demonstrate how obscene the love of Lego remains despite decades of production and the presence of generic brands. Think about it. How many Lego pieces must there be in the world? Just Lego; don't even consider knock-off brands.

That is roughly 57 pieces for every person on Earth today. Just by going door-to-door in your neighborhood and looking under couches you could probably find enough Legos to build the real Death Star for less than $584. And most of that would be in bail money stemming from all the breaking and entering charges.

So, Legos are fun. Shopkins, not so much.

Look, I'm not saying you can't have fun with them. There is a certain truth to the saying "if you are bored you are boring." Creativity can make most anything fun. For instance, a hammer isn't really fun. But the miniature version the kids play with sure seems fun as they imitate Daddy.

But Shopkins?

Shopkins aren't adult things that can be sold as fun to kids. Shopkins miniaturize consumer items as if they were meant to star in a mediocre1980's movie. A hair dryer? A comb? A check-out line conveyor belt? These aren't fun. About one-in-five uses of my hammer is fun for me. I don't think I've ever encountered fun when using a check-out line conveyor belt. Not once.

So when I step on that Lego, at least I know, somewhere in the past or the future, I'll have some fun with it. The pain is worth it.

But when that needlessly sharp Shopkins baby bottle pierces my foot, there is no such silver lining.