It’s ok to not be ok

I am not ok.

We are all made up of a mind, body and spirit. When one gets broken, the others can be a part of what helps lift a person back up again. But when all three come under pressure, sustained and prolonged pressure, then break all at once…like Humpty Dumpty it seems impossible that the mind, body and spirit can be put back together again.

I’m in that place right now. And while I know it’s ok to not be ok, I’m currently getting the help I need to get out of it. But in between appointments, and specialists and treatment and medication, there are things I have to take responsibility for and begin to change in order to be whole again.

One thing I’ve realised is how bad my nutrition has gotten and how badly my body has reacted to everything going on with it. Over the past 6 months my healthy eating habits have gone out the window. Gone is the girl who wouldn’t eat processed foods; who hadn’t eaten chocolate in 5 years and wouldn’t drink anything but water and the occasional decaf coffee. Not anymore. Not while I’ve been so unwell. I’ve been reaching for the things that take no time to prepare, and no washing up. Things like bread, crisps, cheese, chocolate. You get the picture.

Not only have I gained weight, but I’ve gained so much weight that I’m heavier now than when I first went to my personal trainer 3 years ago (and who I stopped going to last winter). Where I was once excited to be on the verge of dropping a jeans size, I’ve had to go up a size and even those feel snug on me. My body hurts more, the chronic pain in my back gets worse the more weight I gain. My insomnia gets worse. The exhaustion I felt before is nothing compared to how utterly drained I feel now. No. I am not ok.

I know that getting my nutrition back will go a long way to helping me heal. Not that I believe nutrition can heal everything (I still need and believe in medical help), but I do feel that if I’m eating healthy then my body has a better chance of getting through the healing process. I’ll have more energy, feel better about my choices and hopefully get my weight under control.

Which is why I’m writing this blog.

I was reminded recently that 4 years ago today I went for my first run. Over the years I built up the distance and the speed and eventually went on to finish a marathon in 2015. I was so healthy then. So careful about what I ate and so determined with my training.

It’s hard for me to believe, sitting here broken in mind, body and spirit, that I was the girl who did all those things. It’s hard to believe I could ever heal enough to be that girl again.

It was runners on twitter, and elsewhere online who helped me achieve all that. And I’m going to rely on you again to be a part of what gets me through this.

If you follow my twitter you’ll have seen that I’ve started posting on instagram. Mostly photos and descriptions of what I’m eating. I feel that it helps me be more thoughtful about what I eat, knowing that I’ll be taking a photo and posting it online. I am using this in hopes that it will help me regain my healthy eating habits.

I’ll also be sharing some of my art, drawings, colourings, sketches, which I’m using as an outlet while I begin the long, difficult task of putting myself back together.

You don’t have to follow me on instagram or like everything I post there, but it does help me to know that people are seeing what I’m posting. Accountability has always been a useful thing for me. My followers, my running friends have been so encouraging and supportive. For now, I’m asking for your help; if you choose to follow me on instagram I’d love for you to comment on what I post and share your ideas for healthy meals and treats. It helps. It really does.

I’m not going to be able to run for a while, but I am hoping to be able to get out for walks. I’ll put those on my strava, which hasn’t seen any activity from me in months. I know a walk is nothing to really sing about but on days when it feels impossible that I could even get out of bed it will help to see that it’s not impossible.