Saturday, November 29, 2014

I'm Paul Iorio, an arts & entertainment writer whose satire and humor has been published in The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune, Newsday, Details magazine, Spy magazine, The Huffington Post and elsewhere.

Here is a collection of my satire.

By the way, my non-satirical journalism has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times, The Chicago Tribune, The San Francisco Chronicle, The Toronto Star, Newsday, The Village Voice, Spy magazine, Details magazine, New Times, the online edition of Playboy magazine, Cash Box magazine and other publications.

But this site is about Paul's humorous stuff!

All posted text on this website written solely by Paul Iorio.

CONTACT: pliorio@aol.com.

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SAMPLES OF PAUL IORIO'S PUBLISHED SATIRE AND HUMOR

(ALONG WITH A FEW WEB EXCLUSIVES)

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

NEWLY ADDED! The Huffington Post. How To Make a Hit Movie in the 2010s! Published by The Huffington Post, May 15, 2012.

1. The Chicago Tribune: A satiric piece on Katie Couric. (I'm really grateful that my editor got the joke and ran the story, because readers seemed to truly enjoy this one.) 2006.

2. Details Magazine: A controversial satiric piece about organized religion called "Choosing My Religion," in which I actually converted to the world's great (and not-so-great) religions -- all of them! Published in October 1994.

3. Los Angeles New Times: Cover feature on comedian Richard Pryor that includes my own eyewitness account of Pryor's last full-length concert ever. I'm still the only journalist anywhere to have ever written about it. (New Times's editing, which was minor (and counter-productive) to begin with, has been completely deleted here.)

4. WEB EXCLUSIVE: Little-Known Popes in Papal History. Published here for the first time. 2007.

5. Spy Magazine: The popular "Dylan-o-Matic," which presents a method by which anyone can create their own Bob Dylan lyrics. It's still circulated on the Internet, even though it was published in the pre-Internet era by a publication that is (alas) now defunct. From 1992. It can be found by cutting and pasting this link: http://groups.google.com/group/rec.music.dylan/browse_thread/thread/51cfbf16a11d33f9/b1b81d3e87492fae?lnk=st&q=&rnum=1&hl=en#b1b81d3e87492fae. I've also included a scan of the article here.
6. THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE: The Paranoid Movie Game. A scan is included below. Conceived, written and designed by me.

7. SPY MAGAZINE: The Disneyfication of America. Satire (and some serious investigative reporting) on All Things Disney (including reportage about the creation of America's first Disney town, Celebration, which has since become a real place). The last half includes an all-too-real (and funny) conversation with someone at Disney about planning a Disney wedding.

9. New York Times: A satiric piece on How Not to Blow Your Oscar Speech. (Nicely improved by an editor who rightly deleted a speculative section of the piece!) 1995.

10. EXCLUSIVE ONE-ON-ONE INTERVIEW WITH WOODY ALLEN. Web exclusive.

11. New York Newsday -- The Recycling of Woody Allen. (Note: This was wholly my piece, from idea to execution, and bears my sole byline, though in the print edition there is a nearby byline of another writer, in larger type, referring to other articles adjacent to mine, yet that other byline sort of makes it look like this was a co-written or co-researched piece, which it was not.)

14. PUBLISHED HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME -- "The Poetry of Borat Sagdiyev" -- Who knew he was a poet, too? 2007.

15. EAST COAST ROCKER: Review of performances by Tracy Chapman.

16. THE NEW YORK TIMES -- A Jack Nicholson Quiz.

17. "THE BUZZ," AN ORIGINAL FEATURE FILM SCREENPLAY BY PAUL IORIO. This is a fictionalized story of a non-fiction murder case that I solved in 1990 (see resume). "60 Minutes" and "The Village Voice" were both interested in doing a story based on my findings at the time -- until key sources became too afraid to talk on the record. Ultimately, with so many sources off the record, I found the only way I could tell the tale was to create this fictionalized version.

By the way, the screenplay is currently an inactive project business-wise (meaning that I'm not trying to sell it anymore), so there is of course no conflict of interest in my writing about movies for various publications (the screenplay was written before I reported about movies professionally).

Copyright 1995. I started writing it in 1990, initially calling it "Number One Bullet," but wrote most of it in '94 and '95. I also revised it in '97 and further revised it in 2003, and that latest version is presented here.

Some of the articles are presented here in original manuscript or updated versions.

All writing, reporting and research in all stories presented here by Paul Iorio (and there were no co-bylines on any of these pieces). All research in all Q&As by Paul Iorio. (Resume follows at the end.)

Here are the stories!

(By the way, please be wary of editors who claim to have contributed any writing or reporting to these pieces. They didn't. As the cliche goes, success has many fathers...)_

Everybody quoted in all stories spoke on the record and on audiotape.

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And Now....

A COUPLE HUNDRED PAGES OF

PAUL IORIO'S PUBLISHED HUMOR (AND SOME UNPUBLISHED PIECES)

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HOW TO MAKE A HIT MOVIE IN THE 2010s! Published by The Huffington Post, May 15, 2012.

what you said, Jenny?" Pryor was referring to Lee's much-quoted theory that

if the disease hadn't slowed him down, he'd have been killed in the fast

lane by now.

Onstage, Pryor's cigarette burns to his fingertips, and he isn't physically

able to remove it. "Get this motherfuckin' cigarette out of my hand 'cause it's

burning me!" he blurts, real pain in his voice. A handler bounds onstage to take

it away.

As it turned out, those were Pryor's very last words onstage in a

full-length concert anywhere. He would never attempt another stand-up

performance.

The half-hour show ends at 11:20 p.m., as two muscular guys carry him

offstage. Pryor is driven home.

[This story (or a modified form of it) first appeared in New Times Los Angeles in October 1996; it's also the first chapter of my book on Pryor, re-written in late 2005. Incidentally, I audiotaped Pryor's last show.]
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WEB EXCLUSIVE, 2007

Humor
Little-Known Popes in Papal History

By Paul Iorio

POPE NAPOLEON THE 13TH
Mad Pope Napoleon the 13th's brief reign was marked by grandiose plans and an obsession with Napoleon Bonaparte. He was deposed when he tried to turn the Vatican into a nuclear power. (1952)

POPE LUCIFER
An anti-pope who advocated praying to the Devil and to God in order to cover all bases. (431 A.D.) [For the record, the term anti-pope refers to those who establish a power base that competes with The Holy See.]

POPE JESUS GOD THE SECOND
For all the arrogance of his name, Jesus God 2 actually turned out to be somewhat humble and unassuming, noted mostly for his punctuality. Was convinced the Old Testament had been penned by a guy named Smith. (1564)

POPE MUHAMMAD THE FIRST
With the Ottomans threatening Western Europe, the Vatican decided to throw Constantinople a bone by elevating a former imam to the top spot. Muhammad the First, a lapsed Muslim who fled Turkey and converted to Catholicism, fell from favor after he proposed building minarets atop St. Peter’s Basilica. (1627)

POPE KEITH
A hippie anti-pope known for his casual manner and affinity for pop culture, he dispensed with Latin rites in favor of "happenings." (Sept. 1974 to Sept. 1974)

POPE SASKATOON, GOVERNOR OF SASKATCHEWAN
As his expansive title suggests, Saskatoon might have been a bit more preoccupied with claiming long-denied status from the folks back home than with his duties as pope. (1910)

POPE LITERALIST THE 16TH
Took transubstantiation far more literally than most; after a car accident, he insisted Vatican doctors give him a blood transfusion using Chianti Classico instead of blood, a fatal decision. Advocated medical care for the dead, who he called the "as yet unrisen." (1960)

POPE JOHNNY THE FIRST
An American greaser of the 1950s -- and self-styled "Method Pope” -- who rode a Harley to work. (1956)

POPE DIDDY
The first hip hop anti-pope. Expanded the use of "signs of the Cross" to include gang hand signs. (1998)

POPE RABBI GOLDSTEIN
Not officially a pope or a rabbi, and operating for a time from a psychiatric facility in Antwerp, where he occasionally broadcast a syndicated faith program called “This Week in Eternal Damnation," he actually convinced several dozen people, mostly Belgians, that he was the first Jewish pope. (1988)

[Published here for the first time, 2007.]
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SPY MAGAZINE

a scan of my December 1992 article for Spy magazine, the "Dylan-o-matic."

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THE SAN FRANICSCO CHRONICLE

[The Paranoid Movie Game, which I conceived and designed and wrote for the paper; the only element not authored by me are the drawings within the boxes.]

[From The San Francisco Chronicle, July 27, 1997; the "paranoid movie" coinage and idea came from me, as did the Paranoid Movie game board that accompanied the published piece.]

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FROM SPY MAGAZINE
The Disneyfication of America

By Paul Iorio

Once upon a time, Spy magazine speculated about what would happen

"When Disney Ran America." It imagined Michael Eisner as president of the

United States, theme parks taking over cities, that sort of thing. Fictional

stuff, absurdly funny at the time, too silly to take seriously. Except now,

nobody's laughing.

Almost every sector of America has been Disneyfied to some degree, it

seems. Disneyfication has come to every multiplex cinema, where Disney

flicks regularly rule, and at the highest reaches of pop music, where Michael

Jackson literally lives in his own theme park. It's in Las Vegas and Atlantic

Again, Disney wouldn't comment on this or any other aspect of the town.

But Hand assured us that "Whoever happens to get in line and buy the house

first gets to own the house."

Hand explained Disney's reluctance to talk to me. "If you look at [Spy

magazine], you have to admit -- I'll admit it, I've read it before -- it's a

satirical magazine," she says, as if revealing some unspeakable truth. After

I told her that all sides would be fairly represented, she told me: "What I'm

gonna try to do is get some copies of Spy, because [the powers-that-be

at Disney], not being hip and not with the program, don't know much about it."

Then Hand inadvertently revealed that the ultimate in Disneyfication had

occurred: a county commissioner, she reported, "had his assistant call us and

say, 'I have this message from some reporter and y'all handle it, 'cause it's

about Celebration. Now what we need to do is tell him to call you if you

want to talk to him.'"

And with that, the Magic Kingdom inched closer to absolute power,

showing that even the government now comments through Disney.

PART TWO: PLANNING A DISNEY WEDDING.

Ultimately, Disneyfication invades even the sanctity of our rituals, to the

point where you can now have your wedding "themed" by Disney (as in, an

"Aladdin" theme or a "Snow White" theme) and presented at Walt Disney

World. (Still no word on plans to market Disney Divorces or Fairy Tale

Funerals.)

Since Disney reminds us to tie the knot with imagination -- even though

the Disney theme park brand of imagination is conventional and banal -- I

decided to find out how far the company would go to make my wedding

plans come true, whether they would (in Disneyspeak) put the icing on the

street of dreams.

I phoned Disney's Rebecca Miller about planning my upcoming wedding

to, er, Minnie. Here's a transcript of our conversation:

IORIO: I'm thinking in terms of a kind of "Fantasia"-type [wedding].

MILLER: Absolutely. In fact, we have a ballroom at the Contemporary
[Hotel] called the Fantasia Ballroom. The types of things we can do from a
decor standpoint, as far as adapting whatever movie it may be -- certainly a
Disney movie -- there's no limit.

IORIO: Have you ever done a Dumbo wedding?

MILLER: Never done a Dumbo wedding. I can say I've never done a
Dumbo wedding but we've done "Aladdin" themes. We have done a very
elaborate "Beauty and the Beast" theme wedding where we've done literally
a stage show.

IORIO: What about at the reception having a flying elephant in the sense of
a helium-filled elephant in the reception area over the crowd? Possible?

MILLER: Possible, if we have one. What we draw a lot from are existing
things that have been in past parades. I don't know if we have a huge
Dumbo. Doesn't mean we can't create it. However, I have no idea where to even tell
you we're looking at cost-wise for that kind of thing.

IORIO: Here's another one that we were thinking of, because it's a personal
favorite of my fiancee's, and that is the "Snow White and the Three Stooges"
movie. And don't laugh.

MILLER: [laughs]

IORIO: That just happens to be an old '62 movie that she likes. Now, the
Three Stooges, however, aren't --

MILLER: Ours.

IORIO: Aren't yours -- exactly. But is it possible to get...Manny, Moe and
Shemp or whatever?

MILLER: You mean actors?

IORIO: Yeah.

MILLER: Sure. I wouldn't see why not. That's something that our talent
booking people would do, would put a call out or certainly do a talent search
for people who could appropriately play those actors, if you will. With our
resources being as vast as they are, I don't see that would be a problem.

IORIO: In terms of Dumbo's ears, can you get those? I know you have
Mickey Mouse ears.

MILLER: I do not know the answer to that question. If it is an existing
product, we can; when you get into copyright things and to things that are
very character-oriented that way, then it's probably not something in mass
quantities that we could have produced.

IORIO: And here's another idea in terms of adding some realism into it. If
we could get, like in a controlled container, cute mice, for example, maybe
ten of them or something. I don't know how appropriate that would be at the
reception.

MILLER: Again, I don't know about -- I mean, we have rules and things like
that. You mean, just having them sit there?

IORIO: Like Mickey Mouse. I don't know, I'm trying to picture how it
would even be --

MILLER: If you're talking mice, let's say from a Cinderella standpoint, what
some of the Cinderella brides and grooms have done in the past is to have
Minnie and Perla -- Is it Minnie? Is it Perla? -- the mice that make
Cinderella's gown...We have those characters...

IORIO: But in terms of real mice, though --

MILLER: Might be a little -- not saying we couldn't do it, but would they --
you -- they wouldn't run around, right?

IORIO: No, not at the [reception]. They'd be contained in a --

MILLER: Cage.

IORIO: A transparent container of some sort.

MILLER: I could look into it. Again, some of these are requests I've not yet
had, but no request is too extreme. What it takes is a little legwork on my
part, to make some phone calls and to see if something like this is even
available.

IORIO: Okay.

MILLER: There are some things like that that may become issues. Yeah,
because people who want their dog to act as a maid of honor or as best man
or whatever, and unfortunately those requests have to be denied because pets
are not allowed. They are in the kennel location only; they're not allowed in
the resort.

IORIO: Why don't we wait until I get to discuss this with --

MILLER: With Minnie.

IORIO: With Minnie. Let me discuss it with her and then we'll proceed.

A FEW DAYS LATER, SHE GOT BACK TO ME.

IORIO: The one other thing I had down was the idea of the transparent
container of mice. Is that going to be prohibited?

MILLER: The only thing that was kind of brought up to me was that perhaps
there would most definitely be a sanitary condition -- not certainly that they'd
ever be running around, but you'd have animals where you're serving food.
Do you have a number [of mice] that you're thinking of?

IORIO: I was thinking around ten of them in a transparent box or container
[placed] near the bandstand area. [My fiancee] was thinking in terms of, if
we could pin ears, Mickey Mouse ears, to actually have them be Mickey
Mouse mice. Cute little mice of a certain size may not be a problem; you
could get some regular paper Mickey Mouse ears, it would seem to me, and
clip them in a non-injurious fashion to the actual ears of the mice.

MILLER: The only concern I would have being that we were doing it is that
I don't know if we would want a real mouse to be in the likeness of Mickey
Mouse because we have Mickey Mouse, you know what I mean? Mickey
Mouse himself can come!

IORIO: So why have a fake one?

MILLER: Right, why simulate it with a real mouse when you can have the
genuine article there?

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Yeah, the terrorism thing wasn't
panning out anymore. Everything we tried didn't work. For example,
we had a couple jihadists aboard a JetBlue flight last month, but
it was delayed for so long that even the hijackers stomped off the
plane in disgust!

WHAT CAUSED YOU TO BECOME A JEW?

BIN LADEN: It started when I was reading Rushdie's
"Satanic Verses" in my cave. Loved the story of Mahound. And Gibreel
was so sly. So that got me thinking about leaving the faith, and I
considered Hinduism and even Scientology before settling on Judaism.

YOU ACTUALLY LIKED RUSHDIE'S NOVEL?

BIN LADEN: I didn't expect to like it but it grew on me.
And I even enjoyed the bit about Mohammed's 12 wives. I, too, once had
sex with a prostitute named that way and, frankly, it
increased the eroticism. But the turning point was when I realized
those verses might be satanic after all. Sheesh!

SO YOU'RE ACTUALLY RENOUNCING ISLAM?

BIN LADEN: Yep. No turning back now. There were other issues,
too. Allah never answered my prayers. I prayed for a Kalashnikov.
Nada. I prayed for victory over the infidel. Nada.

WHY JUDAISM?

BIN LADEN: I confess I was touched by a rabbi I was
holding hostage, a cantor who sang so beautifully that I decided not to slit
his throat after a couple verses of "My Heart Will Go On." He was brought
to me by Adam Gadahn.

THAT ORANGE COUNTY GUY WITH THE FAKE ACCENT?

BIN LADEN: Yeah. We used to privately call him The High
Imam of the Great Mall of Milpitas.

WAS THERE A TIPPING POINT?

BIN LADEN: Well, I started reading the Torah -- or the
Tawrat, as I used to call it -- and realized it was a lot like the Koran.
I mean, it almost seemed like a case of copyright infringement, if you
ask me. But I was drawn to all those commandments -- they sort of gave me
structure during a mid-life crisis.

WHAT DO YOUR AL QAEDA COMRADES THINK ABOUT ALL THIS?

BIN LADEN: They're cool with it. In fact, I saw
Ayman al-Zawahiri chuckling over a copy of "Satanic Verses" I gave to him.
Ayman likes Rushdie, too! But I think the real tipping point for all of
us was the JetBlue thing. Seven hours on the tarmac. And not even a
meal -- just peanuts. It just became too hard to be a jihadist.

* * *

By the way, it sounds like Ann Coulter is slurring her

words again. Probably drunk on religious fanaticism again.

Always beware of religious right-wingers like Coulter and

bin Laden, who I hear have had two sons together:

Mohamed Atta and Eric Rudolph.

[Web exclusive; published on this website on March 7, 2007.]

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FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES

How Not to Blow Your Oscar Speech

By Paul Iorio

Winning an Oscar causes people to do strange things in public. It inspires

honorees to perform one-armed push-ups, to kiss statuettes, and to lose not

only their shoes but their heads on the way to the podium.

Few have truly mastered the art of the acceptance speech or can hit just

the right balance of grace, wit, gratitude and -- most important -- brevity.

Should one tell a joke, make a political statement, offer a verbal

love letter? Or is it best to hold back and say little? Whom do you thank?

And how?

This is, after all, probably the largest audience a person will ever

address (particularly if the category is make-up), so it's a big

opportunity. "There's about one thousand million people watching you," the

actor Paul Hogan once said, "and you remember: one wrong word, one foolish

gesture, and your whole career could go down in flames."

But that needn't happen this year if award winners simply remember the

past and follow these pointers:

-- Go Easy on the Effusiveness.

The Oscar can cause winners to thank everything in (and out of) sight.

Avoid this tendency. Cautionary tales include the speech of John Patrick

Shanley, accepting the award for best original screenplay for "Moonstruck" in

1988, who thanked "everybody who ever punched or kissed me in my life and

everybody who I ever punched or kiss." Also, Robert DeNiro in 1981

thanked "Joey LaMotta, even though he's suing us" (he won for best actor for

"Raging Bull"). And at the 1980 ceremony, Robert Benton, accepting the

best director award for "Kramer vs. Kramer," said: "I would like to thank all

the people at Columbia past and present." And Ben Burtt, the sound effects

editing winner in '83 ("E.T."), even acknowledged "various otters and

horses."

-- Avoid Politics.

No, your win is not a mandate to negotiate with the Serbs in Bosnia. But

some winners get that impression. In 1973, Marlon Brando refused a best-

actor award for "The Godfather" and sent an activist for native Americans,

"My mother...taught me...that cruelty might be very human and it might be

very cultural, but it's not very acceptable" (she won the best actress prize for

"The Accused").

-- Use the Phrase "Without Whom."

"Without whom" is the perfect poignant phrase for any winning Oscar

speech. Everyone's life includes a "without whom," so by all means mention

yours. When Steve Tesich won the prize for best original screenplay for

"Breaking Away" in 1980, he used two "without whoms" in the same speech.

In 1975, Carmine Coppola -- co-winner of the Oscar for his original score for

"The Godfather, Part II" and father of the film's director Francis Coppola --

offered a fresh spin by saying that without his son, "I wouldn't be here.

However, if I wasn't here, he wouldn't be here, either."

-- Get Grandiose (Pretend It's a Nobel).

It probably feels like a Nobel prize from the podium, so go with the

feeling. Marcel Ophuls did in 1989, when he said "There are whole

countries to thank." And Laurence Olivier's acceptance of an honorary prize

in 1979 sounded like this: "In the great firmament of your nation's

generosities, this particular choice may perhaps be found by future

generations as a trifle eccentric."

-- "You Know Who You Are."

The phrase "you know who you are" can save many minutes of speech

time. Anjelica Huston used this time-saver in her speech in 1986, thanking

"the entire cast and crew of 'Prizzi's Honor' -- I don't want to mention any

names; you know who you are." Warren Beatty should've used the phrase

when he named 14 names in 1982 and thanked "so many more."

-- Try True Wit (But Only as a Last Resort).

If the Oscar host can usually be consistently funny, why can't the winners

be, too? Some can. Dustin Hoffman, for instance, looked at his Oscar

statuette from the podium in 1980 and observed, "He has no genitalia, and

he's holding a sword." And Stirling Silliphant, winning the best adapted

screenplay award for 1968 for "In the Heat of the Night," said: "I really have

no speech. The Writers' Guild doesn't allow us to do any speculative

writing."

[From The New York Times, March 26, 1995.]
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PUBLISHED HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME

Woody Allen Interview

(Exclusive One-on-One Conducted December 3, 1999, in Beverly Hills)

By Paul Iorio

QUESTION: A LOT OF ACTORS SAY THAT YOU TEND TO
GIVE GENERAL DIRECTION [ON THE SET]...IS THAT
WHAT YOU DO TO ELICIT PERFORMANCES?

ALLEN: Yes, sometimes I don't talk to them at all. If they have a
question, of course, I answer it. But I don't tell them anything. I
give them the script or their part of the script and they read it and
if they agree to do the movie, I assume they understand their
character, what they're getting into. And then they show up on the
set and very often they do it and they do it beautifully. Maybe
once or twice I have to correct them. But usually I don't say
anything to them unless they're doing it wrong. Or if they're very
far from what I wanted. But their instincts are good. If you hire
Sean Penn or Dianne Wiest or Hugh Grant or Michael Caine, you
don't want to mess them up. They're great and they do what they
do. So I rarely speak to them. And very often in direction, I'll say,
faster, louder, do less -- that's one of my big directions -- or I'll say
to them, "Look you have to come home into the apartment and
she's cooking dinner and you have to tell her you're leaving her for
another woman or something and you have to go from making
dinner to getting a gun to shoot her. And you make it happen. I
don't know how to tell you to make it happen. You just have to
convince me and make it happen." And they do. They make it
happen. The actor is a very, very strong tool to have and you don't
have to burden them with a lot of talk and conversation.

[WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE BEEN] A JAZZ MUSICIAN
OR A MOVIE MAKER?

ALLEN: I would've hands down been a jazz musician. Because
there's no art form that I could conceive of that would be more
pleasurable to be good at, to have a gift in, than music. The
response is so direct. I'm in a much more cerebral art form.
Automatically I've got to sit in a room and think and plot
characters and analyze their personalities and make sure things
work out...But a musician is gifted; he just kind of picks the horn
up and plays or sits at the piano and plays. You can be completely
illiterate and the emotion is so -- When you see these kids at a rock
concert, there're ten thousand kids out there with their shirts off,
the emotion is so -- You'll never get that [at] a play of Tennessee
Williams or Edward Albee or Eugene O'Neill or Arthur Miller.
You will never get that kind of response. You get a certain kind of
response. Or a film by Bergman or Fellini or Kurosawa or
Truffaut or von Stroheim. But music, it knocks you out instantly.
It's such a delight. If I could've had Bud Powell's talent, I would've
been very very happy with my life.

WOULD YOU HAVE RATHER BEEN A FILM MAKER IN
THE SWING ERA OR TODAY?

ALLEN: No, no, today is better. Because if you were not a
foreign film maker in those years, you were strapped into the
studio system of film making. And there was really no personal
expression at all. You had to fight and fight and fight. And I
know they refer to that as the golden age of movies but really when
you think of it in the United States, it was golden in that there
were so many movies made. The biggest thing in America was
film. But all those films, those thousands and thousands and
thousands of films, there were really very few good ones. Now
you may say, "Alfred Hitchcock, Billy Wilder, William Wyler, and
Orson Welles." But if you add them all together -- all these terrific
film makers and their work, and each one had to fight so hard to
make a good film -- and you add them all together, they're still a
tiny fraction of the hundreds of thousands of films that were made.

IF YOU WERE TO NAME YOUR FIVE FAVORITE [ALLEN]
FILMS, WHAT WOULD THEY BE? DO YOU AGREE WITH
THE CONSENSUS THAT "ANNIE HALL" AND
"MANHATTAN" ARE YOUR TWO BEST FILMS?

ALLEN: No, not at all. They're my two most middle class
successful films. They massage the prejudices of the middle class.
And so they're popular and people like them. But "Husbands and
Wives" is much better than both of those films. "Zelig" is a better
film. I prefer "Bullets Over Broadway," maybe even "Manhattan
Murder Mystery." "Annie Hall" was just a likable trifle that
people liked at the time and "Manhattan" as well. But they're not
nearly as good as some other films. From my point of view, they
may be more popular but you can't equate the popularity of a film
with the quality of the film. Very often your most popular thing is
not your best piece of work.

ALLEN: They might say that. I don't know if they would say that.
I mean, they might. Certainly Vincent Canby has reviewed other
films of mine as well or better than ["Annie Hall"], he was more
enthusiastic about other films. So I don't really know. There were
a lot of people who went crazy over "Bullets Over Broadway"
when I put it out. It got some of the best response I ever had. But
in terms of popularity, you're always going to be more popular
doing a nice contemporary film about relationships that people can
identify with. And films that are fun but not too challenging.

BUT YOU MUST WATCH THEM OCCASIONALLY --

ALLEN: No, no, I've never seen any film of mine after it came
out. I made "Take the Money" first in 1968, I've never seen it
again. Nor have I ever seen "Annie Hall" again or any film of
mine. Once I put it put, I just don't ever want to see it again.
Because I know I would be sitting there, thinking, oh if I could
only do that over. If I could only get the money and call in all the
prints and do that over.

DO YOU REGRET HAVING MADE A MOVIE?

ALLEN: I don't regret having made them. I think some have
come out better than others. There are two specific points of view:
mine and the audience or slash critics, the public. There are films
that I've made that are considered a great success because I had an
idea and I wrote it and I shot it and I realized my vision and then
nobody liked it.

SUCH AS?

ALLEN: "Stardust Memories," for example, was a film of mine, a
very unpopular film that to me just realized my vision perfectly.
On the other hand, I've had the opposite come true where I've
made a film like "Hannah and Her Sisters" that was wildly
popular, for me, and I was very disappointed in it when I was
finished, only disappointed in that I had a certain vision that I
wrote.

HOW CAN THAT BE? EVERYBODY LOVED "HANNAH."

ALLEN: Right, but I had a different thing in mind. It's a different
animal for the public than it is for me. I'm sitting there and I'm
thinking, oh god, I wanted to do this and I wanted to do this, I
can't do it, I've got to compromise and I've got to change that
character and that's not how her story can end and this isn't
working. And when it was finished, I put it together as best I can
and put it out and it was very successful, very entertaining to
people. But for me personally, if they knew what I set out to do,
they would say, "Oh, I see why you have failed, because if this is
what you wanted to do, this is not it."

WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO DO?

ALLEN: There were a number of things in the characters that I
was trying to do, and the picture ended too neatly for me. I wanted
to make it much more that Michael Caine was back with Mia but
going through the motions. I mean back because Barbara Hershey
had married someone else and he's still completely in love with
her. And he was just sort of back with his wife now, like a man
who has some extramarital fling with some woman and he's crazy
about her but he can't seem to bring himself to leave his wife...And
he gets along with his wife, it's a partnership, but it's doesn't have
the same [feeling]. And I couldn't get that feeling into it. I got a
more of a cop-out feeling into it at the end where he was sort of
back with Mia, more contented, less anxiety ridden. And this for
me was a big negative. Whereas in "Purple Rose of Cairo," I got it
exactly where I wanted it. In fact, the studio called me, it was
United Artists, and they said, "This is a wonderful picture. Do you
have to have that ending on it?" And I said, "The only reason I did
the picture was so I could have that ending on it." I don't know if
you remember or not, but the ending was that Mia was forced to
choose between the real guy or the guy from the screen. And she
chose the real guy. Because you can't choose the fantasy in life
because that way lies madness. So she chose reality. And the guy
crushed her. The guy dumped her and went off. Because you're
forced to choose reality and reality so often hurts you. But they
would have liked her -- like at the end of "Splash" when he
married the mermaid -- to go off with the screen figure or to go
back into the screen or to do something where the audience went
out with a happy feeling. But that was a picture that I just felt that
I landed right on the dime. And to me, that was maybe my most
perfect picture.

"CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS" IS SOMETHING THAT
COULD'VE HAD A LOT OF ALTERNATE ENDINGS.

ALLEN: But that was the ending that I wanted. That he hires
someone to kill the person and gets away with it and has no sense
of remorse about it. And is completely fine. He has a wife and
family. Because when I made that picture, my intellectual concept
to begin the picture was that there is no justice in the world, no
god, no justice in the world, and that if we don't police ourselves,
if we don't have a conscience, then nobody is going to police us.
So one person could commit a murder and be torn up by it
completely...And another guy could commit a murder and -- if he
gets caught, he gets caught and too bad for him. But if he doesn't
get caught, he commits the murder and he's fine, he's enjoying his
life. I mean, the world's full of people out there that have done the
most unscrupulous things, including murder, and live the most
wonderful lives. And there's no god to punish them, if they don't
have a moral sense themselves. So the movie ended the way I
wanted: I wanted Martin Landau to have eliminated this woman
who was bothering him by having her killed. And having a
perfectly good life with his family, and if it doesn't bother him, it's
not going to bother anyone if he's not caught.

BUT YOU HINT AT THE FACT THAT IT CHANGES THE
CHEMISTRY OF A PERSON WHEN THAT HAPPENS. IN
OTHER WORDS, HOW CAN HE CONTINUE TO LIVE THAT
FAMILY LIFE --

ALLEN: But he does. He's there with his wife and daughter at the
wedding and he's absolutely fine. He's aware of what he's done in
the story. But he's absolutely fine. And he's living in a nice
house, with a beautiful wife and a nice daughter. And the other
story, the subplot about me, Mia and Alan Alda: the fact that I had
wonderful intentions all the time doesn't mean a thing in life. Alan
Alda had the more important thing: he was a success. And even
though he was a jerk, he was successful. And people pay off on
success. They don't care about your good intentions. Now, you
can say that's a personal thing, for me as a film maker, and it is.
And it also operates for everybody else in life. The audience does
not want to hear what wonderful intentions I had with a film. Is
the film good or bad? If it's good, they like it. If the next guy's got
a good film, they like his film. They don't care what your
intentions are, that you wanted to do something great. And they
didn't care about my intentions as the character in that film. They
liked Alan Alda because he was successful and exciting, even
though he aimed low.

YOU MENTIONED EARLIER "BULLETS OVER
BROADWAY." WHY HAVEN'T YOU YET WRITTEN
ANOTHER FILM WITH DOUGLAS MCGRATH, SINCE THAT
ONE TURNED OUT SO WELL?

ALLEN: I don't usually collaborate. The only reason I did it that
time, Doug was a good social friend of mine, as Marshall
Brickman was a social friend and Mickey Rose, who I went to
school with. I write by myself most of the time because I enjoy it.
Then after a number of pictures, it gets lonely always writing by
yourself, so just to break the mold I'll call somebody up. And
usually it's a friend, and [I'll] say, "You want to work on a picture"
and they'll say, "Sure." And the experience of writing, just for a
change, is not quite so lonely. Because when I do that for four or
five pictures in a row, it means I've been doing it for four or five
years. That's the only reason. Some time again, I'll call somebody,
either Doug or Marshall Brickman, and say, "Want to work on a
picture?," and usually they do want to do, because we have fun
anyhow, so why not?

OF THE SEVEN PICTURES THAT YOU CO-WROTE, WHAT
WERE THE MAJOR PARTS THAT YOU DIDN'T WRITE? FOR
EXAMPLE, "BULLETS OVER BROADWAY": WHAT DIDN'T
YOU WRITE THERE? IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE THAT YOU
DIDN'T WRITE ANY OF IT.

ALLEN: That's what a collaboration is. When I collaborate with
someone, we sit in a room like this and we talk and talk and talk
about characters and ideas and where things should go. Then
when it comes time to actually write the script I go in a room by
myself and actually write the thing because I've gotta say it or I've
gotta direct it. They can then go home, they don't have any more
obligation. I want it the way I want it at that point. So it always
feels like me, because I'm the one always doing the writing. But
the formulation of the picture in a collaboration is done by two
people. So, many ideas I might not think of, were it not for the
other person. You know, you can never trace the origin of
something. I'll be siting with Doug or Marshall and he'll, say,
"Pitch a funny idea about pickpocketing." And then I'll say, "I saw
a movie the other day on television and there was a pickpocket in
it and there was a great car chase where the car burst into flames."
And then we write a joke about a car bursting into flame. I never
would've thought of that movie, and you can't trace it back.

WITH "ANNIE HALL," WERE THERE ANY PARTS THAT
MARSHALL BRICKMAN SOLELY WROTE?

ALLEN: Yes, Marshall Brickman and I collaborated on the whole
thing. We both did it together. That picture wouldn't exist
without him. We collaborated on every idea about Alvy and Annie
and how it goes and where it goes. All the hard work is that. To
me it's easy to write a script. I can usually can write it in, like, two
weeks time. Because all the hard work is done before. All the
hard work is done, where Marshall or Doug and I will walk the
streets or sit in my living room and say, "What about this?"
that doesn't lead any place." "What about this?" Then we're silent
for fifteen minutes. And somebody says, "Maybe we should
rethink this and start over. Maybe he shouldn't be a banker.
Maybe he should be a jockey." That's the tedious stuff. When it's
all worked out, then I can get in a room and write it in two week's
time. It's nothing.

YOU WENT BACK TO MARSHALL BRICKMAN WITH
"MANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY." IT CAME RIGHT
AFTER THE SPLIT WITH MIA FARROW. WAS THAT A
CONSCIOUS ATTEMPT TO DO [A LIGHTER COMEDY]?

ALLEN: No, not at all. There's no calculation in the sequence of
movies for me... As a matter of fact, "Manhattan Murder Mystery"
was written long before that. It was going to be me and Mia, she
was going to be the girl in it. And then when all that happened,
she dropped out and Diane [Keaton] came in and took over. But
that was not even written after that. That was written during our
best time.

YOU DID A DOZEN FILMS WITH MIA FARROW. HOW DO
YOU NOW ASSESS THE FILMS YOU MADE WITH HER?

ALLEN: One thing about Mia, she's a very underrated actress.
She's a wonderful actress, she's got a very good range. She can
play comedy. She can play serious things. And she's a very
convincing actress.

I did some of my best movies with her, like
"Purple Rose" and "Zelig." No, I feel I was very fortunate
professionally in my lifetime to have had a professional
relationship with Diane Keaton and Mia. Because they both gave
me great work. There was a tendency, I feel, for the public to take
Mia for granted and figure, well, she was from Hollywood. But
she was a much much more complex interesting actress than
she has been given credit for. When she did "Broadway Danny Rose"
with me, I thought she was just wonderful. And knowing her as
well as I knew her, I was able to tap her capabilities...If I just saw
her on the street, I wouldn't have known she could ever do
"Broadway Danny Rose." She's a wonderful actress.

[Most of this interview had never been published until now; a small part of
it appeared in my San Francisco Chronicle story on Dec. 19, 1999.]

_________________________________________________________

FROM NEW YORK NEWSDAY

Play It Again (and Again), Sam

By Paul Iorio

Woody Allen comes up with such memorable one-liners that it's

no surprise other writers steal from him. In fact, his lines are so funny

that even Allen can't resist taking a line from himself now and then. Here

are some examples of self-plagiarism in his films:

WOODY RECYCLING #1:

MARY: "I could go to bed with the entire faculty of M.I.T."
(from "Manhattan.")

RON: [consoling Mickey after argument about a TV show] "You want a
'lude?"
(From "Hannah and Her Sisters")

[From New York Newsday, March 1, 1992; all quotes from Allen scripts. (Note: This was wholly my piece, from idea to execution, and bears my sole byline, though in the print edition there is a nearby byline of another writer, in larger type, referring to other articles adjacent to mine, yet that other byline sort of makes it look like this was a co-written or co-researched piece, which it was not.)
]
__________________________________________

[PUBLISHED IN THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE]

Dick Cavett, in the Mountains of Marin

By Paul Iorio

In the green mountains of Marin County, California, talk show pioneer

Dick Cavett is playing hooky from his day job as narrator of the upcoming

Broadway stage version of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." "My

colleagues in 'Rocky' are sweating and laboring right now, and I'm supposed

to be there," he confides. "I feel like they're going to find where I'm hidden."

Cavett's hiding place, at least this afternoon, is Mill Valley, where he

is preparing to attend the Mill Valley Film Festival's tribute to him.

At 63, Cavett is still best-known for having brought witty, literate chat to

the airwaves with his ABC-TV talk show, "The Dick Cavett Show," which

aired from 1969 to 1973, and a PBS series, which ran from '77 to '82 -- shows

that regularly mixed artists and intellectuals with entertainers and

politicians.

Today, Cavett doesn't host a TV series but is still infallibly witty and

spontaneous, able to come up with a funny joke at will. For

example, when a clerk from a rental car company interrupts us and asks to

see Cavett's driver's license, he quips: "Can't I just describe it? It's

rectangular..."

What does he think of the current cultural landscape? His favorite show is

NBC's "Law and Order." "The early years of 'Law and Order' were as good

as anything that's ever been on television -- and it took me so long to realize

King of the castle, king of the castle
Have a chair, have a chair
Go do this! Go do this!
King of the castle

* * * *

Do not fear me, gypsy
All I want from you is my tears
Please give them to me or
I will take them...
I will look in your treasures, gypsy

* * * *

I came to America to learn lessons...
But what had I learned?
Suddenly I realized
I had learned that if you chase a dream
Especially one with a plastic chest
You can miss the real beauty
in front of your eyes

* * * *

Will you please teach me how to dine like gentlemen?
...Is it polite to greet people when I make entry?
...Should I pay interest in people around the table...?
...What do you do?
...What do you do?

* * * *

I have no friends
I am alone in this country
Nobody like me
My only friend...he take my money and my bear
And he leave me alone
Not only this:
The woman I love, the reason I travel across the country
She had to do something terrible on a boat
And now I can never forgive her
Is there anybody who can help me?

* * * *

I arrive in America's airport
With clothing, U.S. dollars
And a jar of gypsy tears
to protect me...

* * * *

In Kazakhstan it is illegal
for more than five woman to be in the same place
Except for in brothel
or in grave

* * * *

I took a bus to Los Angeles with some friends of Mr. Jesus
I have arrived
Happy times.

[Published here for the first time, January 22, 2007.]
____________________________________________________

Tracy Chapman, Live at Carnegie Hall, November 28, 1988.

By Paul Iorio

Before describing what happened at Tracy Chapman's Carnegie Hall

concert, let's first picture the opposite of a Chapman show:

Chapman struts onstage in spandex and spikes, followed by her band

("My love boys," she growls), which includes Mark "The Animal" Mendoza

of Twisted Sister, and Philthy Animal of Motorhead.

"Yo, New York! We're Tracy Chapman and the Love Boys. Are you

ready to par-tay?! I can't hear ya. I said, are you ready for some maniac

music?!" She blasts into an ear-splitting version of "Money (That's What I

Want)," taking a solo in a duck-walk with her Strat between her legs,

segueing into a metalized "Material Girl."

Swigging from a fifth of Jack Daniels, she belts "Louie Louie," turning it

into a 12-minute garage odyssey. When confused fans shout for the sensitive

urban vignettes on her debut album, she roars back: "I - I - I just wrote those

to make it big! The whole shy thing was to get me some attention, get me

some -- "

Philthy Animal finishes the sentence, while pulling the ends of a dollar

bill:

"...to get some sympathy," he chortles, breaking into the opening chords of

the Stones's "Sympathy for the Devil."

For the set-closer, Mendoza plays Jagger to Chapman's Turner for some

bumpin' 'n' grindin' on a sizzling "Proud Mary." As the band leaves the stage,

[From The New York Times, June 12, 1994.]
____________________________________________________________________

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY -- PUBLISHED FOR THE FIRST TIME

The Buzz

Original Screenplay

By Paul Iorio
copyright 1995

Opening credits roll to the music of The Kinks's song "Top of the Pops,"
which begins with a flashy drum roll and the spoken words, "Yes, it's number
one, it's top of the pops!" (it's a song about the glory of going to the top of
the record charts).

Credits end and action begins at:

INT. THE RITZ NIGHTCLUB, GREENWICH VILLAGE -- NIGHT

From the balcony level, we see a punk band roaring through a chaotic set,
with the singer wearing only underwear, the bassist spitting beer in the air, the
bass drum bearing the name of the band, The Amazing Graces. The crowd
moshes wildly in the front rows.

Two twentysomething pals, TONY ARMONICA and ALEX DARROW,
watch the show from the balcony. Tony, a music journalist, is dressed a bit
conservatively by rock standards, in a white shirt, beige khakis and with short
hair, sort of David Byrne-style. Alex, the black director of music sales charts
for Big Hitz magazine, is wearing horn-rimmed glasses and a t-shirt with a
green comic book Spiderman on it.

The band ends its set with blaring feedback, and Alex and Tony file out with
the rest of the crowd.

TONY

Some gig, huh?

ALEX

Scorcher.

PAGE TWO

EXT. THE RITZ -- NIGHT

Alex and Tony walk from the Ritz in the Village amidst throngs of fans in
torn jeans and t-shirts reading Husker Du, Soul Asylum, the Ramones and
SST. The club's marquee -- "Tonight: The Amazing Graces -- Sold Out" --
recedes in the background as Alex and Tony are seen (but not heard) chatting
on the way to Tony's car.

The two get in Tony's Fiat and we see the post-concert street scene through
the windshield from their POV.

TITLE CARD: Memorial Day, 1987

Tony drives off with Alex.

INT. CAR -- NIGHT

TONY

This time last year the bandmembers were office temps.
Now they pack the Ritz.

ALEX

Actually, a couple of 'em are still temping, I hear.

TONY

They'd be top ten, if the charts were honest.

ALEX

So would R.E.M.

PAGE THREE
TONY

Speaking of which, wanna hear an advance tape of R.E.M.'s
new one? It's called "Document."

ALEX

Sure.

The traffic is stalled ahead in his lane, and Tony gets impatient, pulling into
the lane for oncoming traffic before rejoining his lane.

TONY

Fifth gear sure comes in handy.

ALEX

Man, you coulda got us killed.

TONY

It worked, didn't it?

ALEX

Sometimes I dunno about you. You're either really brave
or really suicidal.

Tony slips in a cassette, and we hear REM's "It's The End of the World As
We Know It" at medium volume as they small talk.

TONY

So how's the new job? Hear you're running
the charts at Big Hitz, my alma mater.

PAGE FOUR

ALEX

Sucks.

TONY

Hear the magazine's still got a great dental plan: on
your first day, they hand you a toothbrush.

ALEX

Oh, yeah.

TONY

One minute you're Alex the lowly researcher
and the next you're in charge of the Hot 100.
Did I miss something?

ALEX

Did I miss something? My boss, that Joe Montana guy,
comes in last week real nervous and suddenly quits.

TONY

Like that?

ALEX

Like that.

TONY

No explanation?

PAGE FIVE

ALEX

No nothing. He gave up twelve years of seniority!

TONY

Why do you think he did it?

ALEX

Dunno. Maybe the pressure, the promoters.
They're always like, "Gimme a top ten."

TONY

A what?

ALEX

A top ten number on the charts for their record.
It's like, "Hey, Montana usedta give me a number
for an advertisement or a few bucks."

TONY

[shocked] Really? That's sure not how they
do it at Billboard or R&R.

ALEX

Well, this aint Billboard. And I'm getting
tired of sending back the fifty dollar bills in his cassettes.

TONY

You mentioned it to the big boss, Sterling?

PAGE SIX

ALEX

It's always, "Uh, no time."

They stop at a red light and notice the high beams of the car behind them.

TONY

High beams. What a jerk. I wish cars had
high beams in the back so I could retaliate.

A bus passes with a huge display ad reading: "U2 at the Garden, July 15."
Tony tries to jot the date but his pen breaks.

TONY

You gotta pen?

ALEX

Here. [Alex hands him a novelty promotional pen
with a tuning fork at the end.] Keep it.

TONY

You sure that's a pen?

ALEX

Yeah. A Buzzpen.

TONY

Buzzpen?

PAGE SEVEN

ALEX

The Buzz sends 'em out. It's a pen and a tuning
fork and it buzzes.

Alex demonstrates, taking the pen from Tony and hitting the dashboard with
it, causing a buzz. He hands the pen back to Tony, who writes down the date
of the U2 show.
TONY

Tony arrives at Alex's apartment house in the west Village (on Ninth Street
off Sixth Ave.) and parks the car.

ALEX

Here we are at my rent stabilized abode.

TONY

Is Susan staying at your place tonight?

PAGE EIGHT

ALEX

No, she's at hers. Hey, you gotta come
upstairs; I just bought the campiest album
of all-time: "The Tom Jones Fever Zone" LP
from 1969.

TONY

"The Tom Jones Fever Zone"! [laughs] Where'd you get that?

ALEX

Rocks in Your Head.

Alex looks out the window and gazes briefly at a nearby car that has
autumnal leaf and flower droppings on its roof and hood (unlike all the other
nearby cars).

TONY

I'll come up for a few. But only if I can
watch the Carson monologue.

ALEX

You got it.

Tony turns off the ignition but the R.E.M. tape continues, now playing the
ominous "King of Birds."

ALEX

Y'know, we oughta connect for Bowie at the
Meadowlands next week. I've been looking
forward to it since --

PAGE NINE

Alex is interrupted by someone with a ski mask at his window who raises a
revolver; Alex quickly rams his door into the gunman and runs for his life
down 9th St. The gunman drops his gun and is briefly knocked aside by the
car door but recovers his revolver and chases Alex at top speed. The gunman
has a slight limp that doesn't slow him a bit. Tony runs after the gunman, who
is far ahead of him.
ALEX (running)

Shit! I'm dying already!

TONY (running after gunman)

Run, Alex! Don't look back! Run!

The gunman shoots once at Alex and misses, then shoots from a half-block's
distance, blowing off part of Alex's left shoulder. Alex falls to the ground
shouting in pain. The gunman runs toward Alex, bends over him and puts
two bullets in his head at very close range before running off into the deserted
night. Tony watches in horror as he runs over to Alex's body and falls to his
knees. (In the background we see Tony's car, the doors open, the car's tape
player playing the droning ending of "King of Birds," with the lyrics,
"Everybody hit the ground, everybody hit the ground.") He screams "Alex!"
once, and the screen goes black.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION -- NIGHT

An overhead fan spins as Tony, sweaty and raw from the heat and the night's
trauma, sits at a rectangular table in a dimly lit police interrogation room.
Flies are buzzing and the air conditioning is out. The wall clock reads 11:50.

A rotund DETECTIVE DALEY walks in, munching on peanuts and
accidentally bumping into a couple chairs. His assistant, a deferential rookie
named QUAIL, walks behind him.

PAGE TEN
DETECTIVE DALEY

[Pulls up a chair noisily, looks down at the police report
and says to Quail:] Looks like we have a 125,
maybe a 125.27, and definitely a 240, a definite 120,
a possible 460, but we have to know more.
And we need to investigate the possibility
of a 105. Got that?

OFFICER QUAIL

Yessir. How 'bout a 160?

DETECTIVE DALEY

No 160; no robbery involved.
[He turns to Tony.] So what can you tell me?
Did ya get a look at the guy who did it?

TONY

He was in a ski mask. Maybe six feet, 200 pounds,
running with a sort of limp. But that's about it.
[Tony swats at a fly with his hand.]

DET. DALEY

[Glances at a TV monitor with sound down on the wall.]
Hold on: looks like something's on the news about
the case. [He gestures to Quail to turn up the TV, and Quail
quickly does so.]

A local news station is on the air with the words "Breaking News" on the
screen. An anchor appears.

PAGE ELEVEN
NEWS ANCHOR (on TV)

This just in to the newsroom. At this hour, police are
investigating the murder of a 23-year-old music industry
employee in Manhattan. The victim -- whose name
is being withheld pending notification of his family -- was
reportedly chased down West Ninth St. and shot at close range
by a person wearing a ski mask and gloves. We'll have more
details on this as they become available. For now, our features
correspondent in Coney Island has an update on Clara, the
panda bear who shocked her owner last week by supposedly
speaking several complete sentences in French.

DET. DALEY

A talking panda bear. Now I seen it all.
[He stuffs peanuts in his mouth and motions
to Quail to cut the sound, which he does. He turns
to Tony again.] So is there anything else you can tell
us about what happened? Did he have any enemies
that you know of?

TONY

None I know of. Though he did mention he was being pressured
to acccept bribes at work. He ran the music charts for
a trade magazine.

Daley jots notes, glances at his watch and seems not entirely interested in the
case.
DET. DALEY

So there was pressure on the job but no real enemies
that you know of. Okay, I think we have enough for now.
We really have to break off here.

PAGE TWELVE
TONY

Can I use the phone to call his girlfriend?

DET. DALEY

Sure. On the desk there. You can have the room
to yourself.

[Daley and Quail leave the room and shut the door. Tony picks up the phone,
dials Alex's girlfriend SUSAN ADLER and hears "hello."]

TONY (talking on the phone)

Susan, hi.

INTERCUT TO:

INT. SUSAN ADLER'S APT. ON WASHINGTON SQUARE -- NIGHT

[Susan, with long black hair and jeans, sits near a window overlooking the
arch in Washington Square Park in the Village.]

We ran into a problem. Alex is gone. He's been
shot. I couldn't help him. [He bangs his fist on the table.]
Dammit, I told him to run! I told him to run! [Tony
breaks into tears and the conversation ends. Screen
goes black.]

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: Three Days Later

Tony, visiting several music industry executives as part of his investigation of
Alex's death, stops at a corporate office on West 57th St., the headquarters of
the small Pacific Records label, whose president is STAN TILDEN.

INT. RECEPTION AREA OF STAN TILDEN'S OFFICE -- DAY

Tony pushes open the glass door (bearing the words "Pacific Records -- Stan
Tilden, President") and approaches the RECEPTIONIST, a new wave
looking woman in her early twenties.

RECEPTIONIST

Stan's been waiting for you. Come in.

PAGE FOURTEEN

INT. STAN TILDEN'S OFFICE -- DAY

Tony walks into Tilden's office, which has a 25th-floor view of midtown
Manhattan and gold records on the walls. On one wall is a framed yellowed
Billboard magazine clipping with the headline: "Pacific Signs Brendan
Skye." Tilden, who looks a bit liked Harry Dean Stanton in his thirties, still
speaks with a southeastern accent, a holdover from his North Carolina
upbringing, though he's a long-time New Yorker.

TILDEN

Glad you could come.

TONY

My pleasure.

They both shake hands and sit down.

TILDEN

I hear you're investigating Alex's murder. Any idea
who did it?

TONY

Not yet. [Tony takes out his tape recorder and puts it on
his desk.] Mind if I record this?

TILDEN

No, go ahead.

TONY

Alex told me he had had lunch with you the day he died.

PAGE FIFTEEN
TILDEN

We did. He was scared that day.

TONY

Of what?

TILDEN

Look, Tony, I want this so far off the record we're in
Guam, hear?

TONY

Okay, we're in Guam.

TILDEN

[pause] Alex told me the pressure was getting to be more
than he could bear. Promoters wanted to buy their way to
the top of the charts. [Lights a cigarette nervously.] I run
Pacific Records, so I shouldn't even be talking to you. But I
loved that kid. So let me put it this way: Let's suppose.

TONY

Okay.

TILDEN

Let's suppose promoters paid for a top ten position by
overpaying for advertisements in the magazine. Y'know,
placing a full-pager but paying double.

TONY

Just supposing.

PAGE SIXTEEN

TILDEN

And suppose everybody before Alex, including Joe Montana,
always took the bribes, but Alex didn't.

TONY

Who was pressuring him most?

TILDEN

I don't name no names. But it can be figured out. Just
look at who was taking out advertisements in the
weeks before the murder and see if the advertised record got
a number in Big Hitz that was higher -- substantially higher --
than the honest number in Billboard.

TONY

But Big Hitz and Billboard have different reporting
stations, don't they?

TILDEN

Not that different. Also, look at the Big Hitz number for
the advertised record the week Alex took over compared
to its number during the last week Montana worked. In
other words, look at the charts the first week the bribes
weren't happening. Just supposin' now.

TONY

But how do you connect the ads to any one person?

PAGE SEVENTEEN

TILDEN

The promoter's name is listed at the bottom of the ad.
That's your man.

TONY

Alright tell me this: why would a singer pay to get on a chart
everyone knows is rigged?

TILDEN

'Cause not everyone knows it's rigged. A high chart
number in any trade's a huge boost. See,
Big Hitz may be out to lunch, but it's out to lunch in 17
countries and Puerto Rico -- the only trade besides Billboard that's
worldwide. So promoters'll pay $10-$15 thou per record.

TONY

It's that serious?

TILDEN

Someone's dead, aint they? You tell me. [He gets
buzzed by the receptionist.] Look, gotta step. But good
luck with finding out who did this. By the way,
how's Brendan?

TONY

He's fine. Still managing Custer.

PAGE EIGHTEEN

TILDEN

I'm glad I signed Brendan back in '79 but his record
just didn't sell. We did everything we could. I
really wish him well in management. And I always tell
him, if he ever runs into any financial trouble to call
my brother Paul on Wall Street.

TONY

Thanks for your time. [He takes his tape recorder
and puts it in his bag.]

Tony walks through the reception area (the receptionist waves sweetly),opens
the glass doors and walks out into the waiting area for the elevator.

INT. ELEVATOR WAITING AREA -- DAY

Tony waits for the elevator and is abruptly approached by an absurdly
FEARFUL GUY in his forties wearing slightly ridiculous cloak-and-dagger
garb, his collar pulled up and a hat pulled down.

FEARFUL GUY

[Comically nervous] Are you that reporter
asking about the murder?

TONY

I'm a reporter, yeah.

FEARFUL GUY

Well, I'm Calvin Hoover, indie promoter. And I know the
secret story behind the Darrow murder. [Looks around
furtively.] It was a mistaken identity hit.

PAGE NINETEEN

TONY

How do you know that?

CALVIN HOOVER

The killer wanted to murder me instead. He mistook
Alex for me.

TONY

[incredulous] You?! Are you serious?

CALVIN HOOVER

Yes, because I'm very outspoken, controversial.

TONY

Mr. Hoover --

CALVIN

Calvin.

TONY

Calvin, with all due respect, you don't look anything like
Alex. I mean, you're white and Alex is black.
Alex was in his twenties and you're not.

Calvin is startled by a loud ring from the elevator, which has just arrived.

CALVIN HOOVER

Oh, no! They're coming for me! I can feel it!

PAGE TWENTY

Calvin runs for the stairway and disappears.

Tony shakes his head, smiles and calmly boards the elevator.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM -- DAY

Tony sits down at the rectangular table, the overhead fan spinning.

DET. DALEY

So you're investigating the murder as a freelancer.

TONY

Yeah. Wondering if you have any leads yet?

DET. DALEY

Nothing that would've caused a bloody nose much
less murder.

TONY

People in certain circles say it was music-related, he was
killed because he refused bribes.

Everyone's pointing to a promo guy named Frank Buzzardi,
nicknamed The Buzz.

DET. DALEY

[turns red in the face] Who?

TONY

Buzzardi. Three completely separate sources went out
of their way to say he might be involved.

DET. DALEY

Who says that?

TONY

That's confidential.

DET. DALEY

[Trying to change the subject.] So did you know Alex well?

TONY

Oh, yeah. Met him right after I moved to Manhattan
from Burbank.

PAGE TWENTY-TWO

Tony's face is seen in a tight shot, as he flashes back in memory.

CUT TO:

EXT. AERIAL VIEW OF SAN FERNANDO VALLEY -- AFTERNOON

We see vast stretches of deep suburbia, palm trees and lots of sunlight that
contrast with the dim police station of the previous scene.

TONY [voiceover]

I came up in the San Fernando Valley suburbs, where
my first real job was as a newswriter for the
Los Angeles Chronicle.

EXT. THE L.A. CHRONICLE OFFICES -- AFTERNOON

Wide shot of the newspaper building and adjacent hotel (on Sunset Blvd. east
of Fairfax in L.A.). There's a sign saying: "Temporary Offices of the L.A.
Chronicle" and a next door sign reading: "Mirage Motel: Weekly Rates."

CUT TO:

INT. NEWSROOM OF THE L.A. CHRONICLE -- AFTERNOON

A younger Tony (circa 1979) sits at his newsroom desk while an EDITOR
with a serious sunburn, Barnum Wiggles, stands over him against a
backdrop of loud overhead florescent lights.

EDITOR

Okay, no more daredevil stuff. I heard you chased the
guy on trial for killing his wife -- the CEO of
Palentine -- down the courthouse hallway, asking him
repeatedly whether he had found the murderer of
his wife yet.

PAGE TWENTY-THREE

TONY

I sure did. He always says he's looking for the killer and
denies he murdered his wife. So I simply asked whether he
had found the culprit.

EDITOR

Three times?

TONY

He didn't answer me the first two.

EDITOR

I guess it wouldn't mean anything if you knew he sits on
the board of a company that was one of our biggest
advertisers.

TONY

No, it wouldn't.

EDITOR

Look, Tony, the "without fear-or-favor" thing only applies
to non-advertisers. We've got to fear and favor our boosters
if we're going to stay in business. And if that's not okay
with you, you're free to go to Greenwich Village [he
pronounces it Green-witch] or some place.

TONY (voice over)

So I did.

PAGE TWENTY-FOUR

CUT TO:

EXT. AERIAL SHOT OF MANHATTAN SKYLINE -- AFTERNOON

The dramatic opening chords of The Cars's "Bye Bye Love" accompany an
aerial view of midtown Manhattan that shifts toward the East Village. The
panorama moves lower and lower toward the East Village as the song
continues, gradually zooming to street level on the Bowery near Bleecker
Street.

TITLE CARD: The spring of 1979, the East Village.

EXT. BLEECKER STREET SIDEWALK -- DAY

Tony walks west along Bleecker Street from the CBGBs rock club.

The sidewalk is crowded with New Wave and Punk aficionados in their early
twenties wearing wraparound shades, Fiorucci pants, and t-shirts with the
names of bands and clubs like Richard Hell, the Mudd Club, the Gang of
Four.

People are carrying copies of newspapers and fanzines like the New York
Rocker, the East Village Eye and the Soho Weekly News. We hear the
Talking Heads's "City" as Tony, with a slightly spikey haircut and a
characteristically conservative button-down shirt, walks to the offices of the
East Village Eye.

EXT. EAST VILLAGE EYE NEWSPAPER BUILDING -- AFTERNOON

Tony walks into a building on Bleecker that has an East Village Eye sign in
the window; there's an incidental sign nearby reading "Tailors since 1919."

PAGE TWENTY-FIVE

CUT TO:

INT. EAST VILLAGE EYE NEWSPAPER OFFICE -- AFTERNOON

Tony walks through the loft offices of the Eye, which is divided by partitions
into large cubicles adorned with rock posters, bumper stickers and buttons.

A young Alex is deep in thought, editing copy in front of a poster reading, "If
It Aint Stiff, It Aint Worth A Shit" and "Nuke the Knack" as Squeeze's "Up
the Junction" plays from a turntable.

TONY

Mistah Alex!

ALEX

[Initially startled] My main man!

They high five each other.

ALEX

[Holds up a telephone message.] Message from Brendan
Skye, that folksinger guy.

TONY

What'd he want?

ALEX

Says your glowing review landed him a record deal.

PAGE TWENTY-SIX

TONY

Really? With who?

ALEX

Pacific Records. He was signed by Stan Tilden himself.
Might get the opening spot on the Steve Forbert tour.

TONY

Wow. Gotta call 'im.

ALEX

So who's on the cover, chief?

TONY

Toss-up: the Clash or the Records. Whatdya think?

ALEX

"Starry Eyes" is huge.

TONY

Yeah, but we've got a real Clash scoop: they're playing
a secret benefit for the East Village Hunger Project.

ALEX

As part of their 30 nights or whatever at Bonds?

PAGE TWENTY-SEVEN

TONY

Separate. Nobody knows about it yet, not even the
Soho Weekly News. I found out through a political
source: Susan Adler.

ALEX

Susan Adler? Never heard of her.

TONY

She's amazing. She approached Joe Strummer cold backstage
and convinced him to do the show for free.

ALEX

That's something.

TONY

She's something. She comes from old money in the Village
but donates most of it to stuff like building schools in
El Salvador. Lives right on Washington Square. We did a
photo shoot of her with members of the Clash.

Tony takes out photos of a younger Susan with the band. Susan, dark-
skinned and pretty, with a haircut like a campanile bell, smiles warmly
in one picture. In another shot, she mischievously flashes the "v" sign behind
Joe Strummer's head.
ALEX

Hmm. I think I'm in love. [pause] Is that a
conflict-of-interest? [They laugh.]

PAGE TWENTY-EIGHT

CUT BACK TO:

INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM -- AFTERNOON

At the desk, with the overhead fan turning, Tony and the detective continue
talking.

TONY

Any other leads you can tell me about?

DET. DALEY

We're checking a witness who says she saw a male
black running from the scene.

TONY

A black male?

DET. DALEY

Yeah, a male black, which would sort of refute your
theory, right? It might just be some black guy
who did it.

TONY

[slightly angry] What do you mean, 'just some black guy'?!

DET. DALEY

I'm just saying what the witness said. [Suspicious and going
on the offensive a bit.] And by the way, how come
you seem to know so much about this case anyway?

PAGE TWENTY-NINE

TONY

Shoe leather and phone calls, simple as that. [Stands
up and pulls out a business card.] Here's my card. Feel
free to call if you find something.

BRENDAN SKYE, a bearded mid-thirties former folksinger who now
manages alternative rock acts for a living, opens the door.

They hug as sunlight streams at a late-afternoon angle.

BRENDAN

Am I glad to see you in one piece!

TONY

Same here.

Tony steps into the living room, which is full of light, plants, a couple cats,
and a framed poster: "Brendan Skye Live at Folk City."

PAGE THIRTY

GENEVA MASON, wife of Brendan, comes in with a coffee cup that has a
Barnard College decal on it; she has very short blonde hair and wears a
Phranc t-shirt. The coffee is steaming and the air-conditioning is on. She
embraces Tony.
GENEVA

I'm so sorry about what happened. Are you okay?

TONY

I'm alright.

GENEVA

Have you seen Susan?

TONY

Not since I told her the news that night.

BRENDAN

Geneva's been visiting her just about every other night.
Says she seems depressed.

TONY

I'm not. I'm angry. I wanna find out who did this.

BRENDAN

Be careful. For all you know, you'll be fighting 50 thugs.

TONY

50 thugs, 50 bullets.

PAGE THIRTY-ONE

BRENDAN

They'll come after you.

TONY

50 thugs, 50 bullets. Nobody's more powerful than a bullet.

BRENDAN

You're always taking too many chances, Tony.

TONY

That's what Alex said the night he died. He said I was
either brave or suicidal, he hadn't decided which.
[They laugh mildly.]

BRENDAN

Well, we have some good news amidst all the tragedy. Geneva?

GENEVA

I'm finally pregnant.

TONY

Congrats!

GENEVA

We've tried for years. Not that I've minded the trying.

She nudges Brendan affectionately.

PAGE THIRTY-TWO

TONY

What are you going to name him or her?

GENEVA

We were thinking Alex or Alexa.

TONY

Alex, Alexa: I like that.

BRENDAN

So you were saying on the phone you wanted to look
at some charts?

TONY

Yeah, if that's okay.

BRENDAN

C'mon in.

INT. DEN OF BRENDAN'S APARTMENT -- LATE AFTERNOON

Brendan escorts Tony to his den, which is lined with bound volumes of music
trade magazines and books.

BRENDAN

My archive. Charts dating back to '53.

PAGE THIRTY-THREE

TONY

Do you have the Billboard and Big Hitz charts for the weeks
before and after Alex died?

BRENDAN

I think so. Have a seat.

Brendan takes two bound volumes from the shelves; one is labeled
"Billboard," the other "Big Hitz."

TONY

[flipping through the books] Just checking out a theory.

In Big Hitz, he comes to a cluster of advertisements. One ad reads: "'Cold
Sunshine' by The Pillagers -- National CHR promotion by Frank 'The Buzz'
Buzzardi."

A ninety point drop in a week! Unbelievable! Where
does Billboard put them?

Tony turns to the Billboard singles charts for the same weeks and finds that
both of Buzzardi's songs, "Cold Sunshine" and "Always," were at #92 and
#98, respectively, for both weeks.

TONY

Both Buzz songs are at 92 and 98 for both weeks
in Billboard. Exactly where Alex put them, too.

Tony and Brendan hover over the charts excitedly.

BRENDAN

Shit almighty, Tony. You've gotta go to someone
with this --

PAGE THIRTY-SIX

TONY

I know --

BRENDAN

'Cause this is like really --

TONY

I know. But the cops aren't listening to me.

BRENDAN

Figures. [lights a cigarette] Buzzardi has major clout with
the Sixth precinct. Two uncles and a cousin on the force.
One uncle wounded in the line of duty, retired with a gold
shield, though it was later taken away after an investigation.

TONY

No wonder Daley sees no evil.

BRENDAN

The Feds don't care, either, 'cause the money's too small to
make the radar. Buzzardi takes in thirty thou a year on
chart-fixing, which may not be the hundred-thou DiSipio pulls,
but it's not nothing. Particularly if it's everything he earns.

TONY

Why would anyone pay a promoter to buy numbers on
a chart everyone knows is corrupt?

PAGE THIRTY-SEVEN

BRENDAN

Because not everyone knows it's corrupt. Big Hitz freshens
up the front office with a name writer every few years
to give them credibility, which covers them to run a back office
sewer in chart fraud and coin op.

TONY

Tilden says Buzzardi had a key to the Big Hitz offices and
their computer passwords even after he left the magazine.

BRENDAN

He did. And enforced things with threats, violence. He's
openly violent and doesn't much care who sees it. He once
tried to rip out the eyeball of a rack-jobber backstage at a
Loverboy show in '83 in front of, like, seven people and a cop.

CUT TO (as the "Brendan voiceover" is heard):

INT. BACKSTAGE AT
LOVERBOY CONCERT
-- NIGHT

Buzzardi digs vigorously into
the eyesocket of someone
and a stream of blood squirts
from the victim's face onto
Buzzardi and all over the cold
cuts and fruit on the backstage
table as several people watch
in horror.

BRENDAN (voiceover):

Only thing that stopped him
was the blood spurting all
over his Brioni suit and
everything. True story.

The sidewalk and street in front of CBGBs is packed with alternative rock
fans in ragged garb and bizzers in hip suits. Sign on the door reads: "Closed
for Private Party."

Tony opens the door, hearing a blast of loud recorded music, and walks in.

INT. CBGB ROCK CLUB -- EVENING

Tony walks by numerous partygoers and hears fragments of conversation.

PARTYGOER WITH SQUEAKY VOICE

Such a buzz around Pointblank -- and Minneapolis.

PARTYGOER IN A "REPLACEMENTS" T-SHIRT

Not every Minneapolis band'll make it big. I bet Soul Asylum stays indie.

PARTYGOER WITH A MOHAWK HAIRCUT

[to previous partygoer] My ears are still ringing from their '85 show.

PARTYGOER IN A "REPLACEMENTS" T-SHIRT

[to previous partygoer] My ears are still ringing from Altamont.

PARTYGOER WITH A MOHAWK HAIRCUT

[to previous partygoer] Huh?

PAGE FORTY

PARTYGOER IN A "REPLACEMENTS" T-SHIRT

[to previous partygoer] I said, my ears are still ringing from Altamont.

PARTYGOER WITH A MOHAWK HAIRCUT

[to previous partygoer] Can't hear ya.

Tony continues to walk toward the club's stage.

PARTYGOER WITH A GOATEE

R.E.M. will never have another hit as big as "Fall
on Me" -- they've peaked.

PARTYGOER IN A TURTLENECK WITH AFRO

Sifo Mabuse is giving a benefit against apartheid.

PARTYGOER WITH BLONDE HAIR

[to previous partygoer] Great cause, but it won't do any good.
Apartheid has about as much chance of falling as the Berlin
Wall or the twin towers.

PARTYGOER WITH A LISP

The drummer's not so smart. He was at 21 and a waiter asked
if anyone knew the Heimlich Maneuver. He goes, "Yeah"
and gives the Nazi salute. [demonstrates stiff arm salute]

PAGE FORTY-ONE

PARTYGOER WITH LONG BEARD

[to previous partygoer] You just don't understand
his creative tension.

PARTYGOER WITH A LISP

[to previous partygoer] There's a fine line between creative
tension and just being uptight.

Tony steps to the bar and orders a beer. JIM JOLSON, A&R vice president
for a major label, approaches with THREE MEMBERS OF A ROCK BAND
in their late teens.
JOLSON

Tony, you gotta meet these guys. This is Kurt, Krist and
Chad of Nirvana. I'm thinking of signin' 'em.

TONY

[to band] You guys done any records yet?

TEENAGED KURT COBAIN

[Shyly] We'll have one out next year on Sub Pop, an indie
out of Seattle. They released Green River and stuff.

THIRD PARTY TO CONVERSATION

[to band] Advice: move out of Seattle, if you wanna make it big.
Nobody but Heart ever came from Seattle.

JOLSON [to Tony]

Check this out.

PAGE FORTY-TWO

Jolson shows Tony a Pointblank promotional water pistol that publicists are
passing out at the club.

TONY

Another schlocky promo toy.

Susan Adler, wearing sunglasses that don't quite cover the fact that she's been
crying, walks quickly into the club and heads toward the cul de sac to the side
of the stage. Heads turn and people talk as she walks in.

JOLSON

Look who just walked in: Sue Adler.

TONY

Gotta go.

TONY

[waves to get her attention] Susan!

SUSAN

Hi Tony. How's your story going?

TONY

Lots of leads I'll tell you about later.

SUSAN

Wanna get together and trade notes?

PAGE FORTY-THREE

TONY

How about tomorrow?

SUSAN

Great.

Suddenly, a partygoer jokingly jumps in front of Susan with his water pistol
drawn. Susan reflexively kicks him in the groin.

SUSAN (to prankster)

You motherfucker! Comin' at me with a gun!

The prankster holds his crotch in pain as a small crowd begins to gather.

TONY

It's a toy, Susan, only a toy.

Susan walks briskly to the exit, with Tony a distance behind her.

EXT. CBGB -- NIGHT

Susan climbs into a cab on the Bowery. Tony knocks on the car window and
Susan lowers it.

Tony walks past a group of six jugglers passing balls to one another and a
guitar player performing near Washington Square Park before crossing to
Susan's apartment house.

INT. SUSAN'S APARTMENT -- MORNING

Susan's apartment is decorated with a hip old money sense of good taste. The
large living room window has a third floor view of the arch in Washington
Square Park. An original Warhol portrait hangs on the wall.

Represented downtown Manhattan for one term. He
once told me, "A congressman is less powerful
than a file clerk, if you're not the party in power."

TONY

Probably true. [pause] By the way, sorry about
that guy last night --

SUSAN

Forget last night.

TONY

So you doing alright?

SUSAN

I miss Alex and my life the way it was. Otherwise, I'm fine.

TONY

Same here.

SUSAN

I've even thought about seeing a shrink but don't think
so. Shrinks always seem less perceptive than me.

TONY

Yeah.

PAGE FORTY-SIX
SUSAN

Didja see the new Billboard? Some guy calls the murder
"music-related"?

TONY

You're kidding?

SUSAN

No, it quotes someone saying, [she reads from the article]
"'We will not hide from music-business related terror,'
said a senior executive who spoke on condition of anonymity."

TONY

My sources say it was hit, too. But who ordered it? Did
Alex mention any threats?

SUSAN

Come to think of it, there were quasi-threatening
messages on his answering machine.

TONY

Like what?

SUSAN

Like, oh, things you can't really put your finger on.
Like: [she imitates a hard sell voice] "Are you blind or
going blind? If so, enroll in blah blah Braille School" left
three or four times a day. Followed by two-second messages
of random stuff like: "Wheelchairs are a big expense."

PAGE FORTY-SEVEN

TONY

Anyone threaten him explicitly?

SUSAN

Not really. But the messages started after Alex sent
back a $700 bribe from a promoter who calls
himself the Buzz.

TONY

Everyone mentions him. I'm even interviewing him tomorrow.

SUSAN

The Buzz agreed to talk?!

TONY

Actually, he's probably checking me out to see what I know.

SUSAN

[excited] Let's connect after. Come by after dinner.
[Tony: "Sure.']

CUT TO:

EXT. THE BUZZ'S OFFICE -- AFTERNOON

Tony walks into a dilapidated building that houses the Buzz's office on West
14th Street off 10th Ave. in the meat-packing district. There's a butcher shop
in the first floor storefront and a police car parked out front.

PAGE FORTY-EIGHT

INT. THE BUZZ'S OFFICE -- AFTERNOON

Tony enters the Buzz's dark cluttered office, which looks as if time stopped in
1959. On the walls are posters and pictures of music events of the Fifties,
mostly local ones: "Flatbush Rockabilly Fest '56"; "The Roasters Play
Coney Island"; "Free Alan Freed." The room doesn't have a reception desk
or a computer and the clock on the wall is stopped at noon.

Seated behind a desk is Frank Buzzardi, a rough-looking, tough-talking guy
around 60 with tinted glasses, a full head of gray hair and acne scarring on his
face.

His assistant, Sammy Stompeto, is a thin, thirty-year-old, dark-haired guy
wearing all black and a gold chain around his neck. He looks a bit like a
bartender at a strip bar and walks with a slight limp.

THE BUZZ

Come in.

TONY

[taking a seat] Thanks for the interview.

THE BUZZ

Better interview me now, 'cause I'm an endangered species.
You don't find 'em like me in the biz any more. [Yells to
Sammy: "Sammy! My pills!"] Then to Tony: "Hypertension."

TONY

[Noticing tuning fork pens on his desk] Interesting pens.

PAGE FORTY-NINE

THE BUZZ

Ya want one? Promo thing for radio. See, I got character.
Back in the Fifties, we was all characters. I was there at the
birth of rock 'n' roll, staring down at the cradle, I sure was,
when the babe was rattling 'n' rockin' for the first time. Today,
the biz is all lawyers, accountants -- they don't know
nothin' 'bout music. [Shouts: "Sammy!"]

Sammy, walking with slight limp, rushes in with the pills and a deferential,
"Here, boss."

THE BUZZ

Hey, Sammy, you gonna do that brake adjustment this weekend?

SAMMY

If you want.

Sammy walks from the room.

THE BUZZ

Crack mechanic, Sammy is. The best in car repair before
he came to work for me.

TONY

So how long have you been in the music business?

PAGE FIFTY

THE BUZZ

I started as a producer in the Bronx in '55, recording
The Klezmers. The neighborhood was so rough back then
you can hear gunshots from the street on our first record,
if you listen close. We left the shots in. We useta joke that
song was number five with a bullet -- literally!
[laughs roughly] Later, I got into promotion, sold the studio,
and worked with the Chevettes, J.B. Preston -- that was
before he was with The Troubles -- and the Fontana Five.

TONY

I'm sure you've heard the accusation: some say you
might've manipulated the charts over the years.

THE BUZZ

Look, it's my cocksuckin' job to manipulate them charts, okay?!
[He pops a pill without water.] Every promoter everywhere
manipulates them charts, that's why they pay us. I get paid
to make my records number one, okay? Promoters get paid
to promote, okay? My job is to do whatever I gotta do to
get PDs, GMs, DJs, chart guys off the dime. [Shouts:
"Sammy! Water!" We hear "Yes, boss," offscreen.]

TONY

I read in a newspaper where you were charged with payola in 1963 --

THE BUZZ

And proud of it. 'Cause payola should be legal, and
them DJs should pay to play my records, I always say.
Radio aint even good enough to play most my stuff!

PAGE FIFTY-ONE

TONY

There's also talk the murder of Alex Darrow was
somehow linked to chart rackets.

THE BUZZ

I don't know nothing about no murder or no chart racket
whatsoever. [Sammy brings him water, and the Buzz drinks it.]

TONY

Some have gone so far as to link the Darrow thing to you
in some way.

THE BUZZ

Some people'll say anything about anybody. Don't make
it true, do it? I'll let ya in on a secret, kid: no accuser is
ever gonna stop Frank Buzzardi from conducting business.
No way, no how, nowhere. I've survived since the Fifties,
and not everyone did. I survived 'cause me and Morris and
Hy and all them guys had a rule: you never let a man
mess with your business. Me, I've always carried my
own personal bodyguard. [He reaches to the small of his
back and casually tosses a revolver on the desk.] He's named
Smith & Wesson. Go ahead, touch it. It's a $25,000
custom-made .44. Bought with royalties from
"Sweet Talk 'n' Jive."

TONY

[handling the gun] You ever shot someone with it?

PAGE FIFTY-TWO

THE BUZZ

I might. If some cocksucker comes up to me and wants
my fuckin' wallet, you think I'm not going to blow his freakin'
brains out? If some cocksucker tries to take away my business,
I assure you he'll come down with some incurable
gun-related disease, he sure will. [He takes the pistol back.]

THE BUZZ

Watch this.

Buzzardi gets a single bullet from a desk drawer, puts it into the revolver.

The phone rings.

SAMMY

[With phone in his hand] It's Daley at the Sixth.

THE BUZZ

I'll call him in five. [Turns to Tony.] Look, I'd like to talk
more, but I gotta go.

TONY

Thanks for your time. By the way, you said Daley was on
the phone. Was that Detective Daley of the Sixth Precinct?

THE BUZZ

Yeah, Daley. I known him for years. We shoot at the
range together. [picks up the phone and starts dialing.]

TONY

Thanks again.

Sammy escorts Tony to the door, and we see a tight shot of Sammy. We see
scarring on the right side of Sammy's head of the sort that might have been
caused by a bullet grazing.

PAGE FIFTY-FOUR

CUT TO:

EXT. BUZZ'S OFFICE BUILDING -- AFTERNOON

Tony walks from the building, where a police car is parked and two cops are
eyeing him suspiciously.

CUT TO:

INT. SUSAN ADLER'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT

TONY

[Popping the cork from a Champagne bottle.] And so he pulls
out a pistol. [imitating Buzzardi's gruff speech] "It's a
$25,000 custom-made .44. Bought with royalties from
"Sweet Talk 'n' Jive." [They both laugh.]

PAGE FIFTY-FIVE

SUSAN

Whatta thug. Sounds like some guy straight out of that book "Hit Men."

TONY

I was thinkin' that, too.

Tony pours Champagne for both of them, and they toast.

TONY

Here's to finding the guy who killed Alex.

SUSAN

You bet.

They clink glasses and sip Champagne.

TONY

Forgot to mention it, but I found this at the crime
scene that night.

He pulls out a business card for The Steak Joint, an uptown Manhattan
eatery.

TONY

Found it right next to Alex's body that night.

SUSAN

[looking at it curiously] Hmm.

PAGE FIFTY-SIX

TONY

But I checked out the place and it doesn't seem to link up
to anything.

They walk out to the balcony, with flowers in pots and a view of Washington
Square Park.

TONY

How'd you get such a great apartment?

SUSAN

It's been handed down in the family for three generations.

TONY

It's like a movie set.

SUSAN

So you think Buzzardi was capable of killing --

TONY

Capable of anything. I mean, re-open the file on Amelia
Earhart; he probably has her in a trunk.

They casually stroll back from the balcony to the apartment. Susan puts on
some music -- Bob Dylan's "She Belongs To Me" plays -- and they both sink
into a deep pillowed couch, both slightly tipsy.

SUSAN

So you still having nightmares about that night?

PAGE FIFTY-SEVEN
TONY

Not anymore. And to tell the truth, there're some days
when I wake up invigorated because I know I wasn't
supposed to live to see this day. There's nothing like missing
a bullet to make you feel so totally alive.

SUSAN

Know what you mean. Fuck survivor's guilt.

We hear a Dylan lyric from the stereo: "Meanwhile life outside goes on all
around you."

TONY

Can you believe the cop called it a possible black-on-black crime?
I never really thought of Alex as black, even though he was.

SUSAN

Same here. When I had a tan, my arms were actually
darker than Alex's.

TONY

Even my taste in music was blacker than his; I liked Melle
Mel, he liked Zep. [pause] Did you know we were gonna
room together in '80 but I didn't want to commit to a
two-year lease?

SUSAN

That was you back then: afraid of commitment. You couldn't
even decide whether you wanted to stay in New York or
move back to Burbank.

Look, I've gotta run. You wanna go to that thing tomorrow
at the Apollo, the Orphanheart show?

SUSAN

Sounds like fun. I love Sunday afternoon concerts.
Three would be fine.

Tony leaves her apartment.

CUT TO:

EXT. SUSAN ADLER'S APARTMENT -- AFTERNOON

Susan bounds from her apartment smiling and wearing a multi-colored
flowered dress that's loose and airy, suggesting the quality of a cloud or
balloon. She acts like someone glowing from having had sex the night
before. Tony is in his car at the curb, and Susan gets in.

PAGE SIXTY-ONE

INT. TONY'S CAR -- AFTERNOON

Tony begins driving from the Village to Harlem, taking the FDR Drive
uptown. Windows are open, it's a sunny day and the radio plays John
Mellencamp's good-timey "Rumble Seat."

SUSAN

Haven't been to the Apollo since Sly Stone didn't
show there in the Seventies.

TONY

Alex would've loved this gig.

SUSAN

He always liked going to concerts with you.

Tony is driving in the right lane on the FDR Drive when a station wagon (with someone in the back) pulls in front of him at a slow speed.

TONY

Crazy driver!

The station wagon slows even more, causing Tony to tailgate. We see the road ahead
from Tony and Susan's POV through the windshield, while someone in the
back of the station wagon opens the rear and throws a large plastic
bag of thick red paint at them while shouting, "Next time it'll be blood,
asshole!"

PAGE SIXTY-TWO

From the POV of looking out the windshield, suddenly the entire windshield turns bright red. Tony, not able to see through the front window, swerves to the side of the road while turning on the wipers, which just smear the paint into varying shapes and shades of red and pink. (We see this from inside the car, of course, and the smearing red paint is all we see on screen for a time.) Tony sticks his head out the side window to guide the car to the shoulder.

TONY

Can't see a damned thing!

SUSAN

What the hell was that?

TONY

Think it's red paint.

SUSAN

Did you hear what he shouted?

TONY

Yeah: "Next time it'll be blood."

They arrive at the curb, get out, and clean off most of the paint from the
windows and hood with rags.

TONY

Motherfucker could've fuckin' killed us!

After getting most of the paint off the windows, Tony throws down the rags
and looks at the mess all over his and Susan's clothes.

TONY

Looks like my Fiat's bleeding.

PAGE SIXTY-THREE
SUSAN

Shit. The dress is ruined!

TONY

We can't go to the show like this. What d'ya wanna do?

SUSAN

Should we file a police report?

TONY

Won't do any good. I'll talk to Daley about it later.

SUSAN

You think Geneva and Brendan might be home?

TONY

Let's head over.
CUT TO:

INT. BRENDAN SKYE'S APARTMENT -- EVENING

They ring the bell to Brendan's apartment and Brendan answers the door.

BRENDAN

My god! What happened to you two?

GENEVA

I hope that's just paint. Come in.

PAGE SIXTY-FOUR

TONY

It's just paint. Its mostly dry, though you might wanna
put some newspapers down on the carpet so we don't
track anything in.

Brendan spreads some newspapers on the floor and chairs. Tony and Susan
walk in.

BRENDAN

Can I get you anything?

TONY

Water would be fine.

SUSAN

Same here.

BRENDAN

So what happened?

TONY

Someone threw a plastic bag of red paint at us
on the FDR Drive.

SUSAN

Shouting something like, "Next time it'll be blood."

Geneva brings in water for everyone.

PAGE SIXTY-FIVE

BRENDAN

Sounds like vintage Buzzardi.

TONY

Tell me about it. But the cops won't listen to me. Cops
act like I'm a suspect.

BRENDAN

Glad you brought that up, 'cause that's the rumor
I'm hearing, too.

TONY

[enraged] How fuckin' dare they? I'm risking my neck
to solve this and that's what I get?

BRENDAN

Calm down. It's just they see you with Susan.

TONY

So what? We're just friends.

BRENDAN

They don't know that.

TONY

What? They think my life is some sort of noir movie? I'm here
for their tabloid entertainment? Meanwhile I'm going broke.

PAGE SIXTY-SIX

BRENDAN

No good deed goes unpunished, to coin a phrase.
[Looks at watch.] I've got to pick up my car and
head to Bear Mountain; I'm checking out The Confidentials
in a couple hours.

He pulls over on Morningside Dr. where there's a hillside view of the city.
Tony jumps out, opens the hood, looks inside and comes back in the car.

TONY

Let the engine cool a minute.

They sit in the car on the hill for a couple minutes and talk.

BRENDAN

So what else did Stan say?

TONY

[pause] He thinks the Buzz killed Alex.

BRENDAN

But he won't go on the record, right?

TONY

Right. There's so much evidence that cuts both ways.
Like, Buzzardi's assistant has a limp like the gunman, but
that might just be coincidence.

BRENDAN

I just don't see a happy ending to this.

TONY

Why ya say that?

PAGE SIXTY-NINE

BRENDAN

[distant look] I just have a bad feeling. [pause] Y'know,
sometimes I wish I'd stayed a folksinger instead of getting
into the biz. I mighta had a hit by now, if I'd stuck with it.

The car fills with an increasingly bright light from an undetermined source.

TONY

There's still time.

BRENDAN

It's too late. It's too late.

TONY

[Looks at watch.] We'd better roll.

He drives to Piney's Auto Repair Shop and drops off Brendan.

BRENDAN

Thanks for the ride.

TONY

Don't mention it.

BRENDAN

[smiles] Have fun at the party. And wear something a little less red!

PAGE SEVENTY

They both laugh mildly, and Tony drives off. A block away, Tony passes by
The Steak Joint restaurant, the same place on the business card he found at
the murder scene.

TONY

[mumbles to himself] Didn't know it was so close.

CUT TO:

EXT. 666 FIFTH AVENUE BUILDING -- NIGHT

Shot of the building and the "666" sign at the top.

INT. ANTEROOM OUTSIDE BALLROOM AT 666 FIFTH -- NIGHT

An attendant stands at a podium behind a red velvet rope holding the guest
list to the party.

ATTENDANT

[With Brooklyn accent] Your name, please?

TONY

Tony Armonica, freelance writer.

ATTENDANT

Harmonica?

TONY

No, Armonica. I'm on the Stigma Records list.

PAGE SEVENTY-ONE

ATTENDANT

Sorry, not here.

TONY

What do you mean? Vaccina Bayard put me on personally.

ATTENDANT

First name is Henry?

TONY

No, Tony. T-o-n-y. [Looks over at the guest list himself.]
See! There it is.

ATTENDANT

You don't have to be nasty about it.

A security guard approaches.

GUARD

[To attendant] Is there a problem?

ATTENDANT

[To guard] No, I straightened him out. [To Tony] You can go in now.

Tony walks into the ballroom at 666 Fifth.

PAGE SEVENTY-TWO

INT. BALLROOM AT 666 FIFTH AVE. -- NIGHT

Tony walks into the party as a tape of Husker Du's "Never Talking to You"
plays and goes to a table full of cold cuts. Standing next to him is Jack
Worstman, a bearded writer for Big Hitz. Tony picks up a plastic fork.

JACK WORSTMAN

[Hold up his hands in mock fright.] Don't kill me! Don't kill me!

TONY

So, Jack Worstman. What are you doing here? It's a cash bar.

JACK WORSTMAN

Very funny. I hear you're gonna stab Big Hitz in the
back with your article. Some gratitude. They hired you
when you were a nobody.

TONY

I'm simply investigating Alex's murder. And how come I'm
the only one from the magazine who's coming forward
about this thing? Which side are you on?

JACK WORSTMAN

Not on the side of the rats, I'll tell you that.
[He shoves baloney in his mouth.]

TONY

No, you're busy with the snakes.

PAGE SEVENTY-THREE

JACK WORSTMAN

C'mon, the Darrow thing was random. Anyone walking
down that street at that time of night woulda been shot.
It was a spur-of-the-moment crime.

TONY

A guy wearing a ski mask is spur-of-the-moment?
And chasing him down and not stealing anything?
It was a hit, Worstman. [He points at Worstman
with a plastic fork.] And you know it. And you're not
doing anything about it.
CUT TO:

EXT. SUSAN'S APARTMENT BUILDING -- LATER THAT NIGHT

Tony walks across the street to Susan's apartment, and a police car at a red
light lurches forward as he walks in front of it.

INT. SUSAN'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT

TONY

Worst party I've been to in a long time. Talked to Jack Worstman.

SUSAN

What'd he have to say?

TONY

Still loyal to Big Hitz and Buzzardi, if you can believe it.

PAGE SEVENTY-FOUR

SUSAN

Gonna write up the party for Music News?

TONY

No. Assignment's canceled. My freelancing's going
down the tubes because of this thing.

SUSAN

Y'know, if it's causing you this much grief, maybe
you oughta consider dropping the story.

TONY

No way. I'm committed to the end.

SUSAN

But look what it's doing to you. You could lose
everything because of a cause.

TONY

If I don't solve it, who will?

SUSAN

Now you're sounding like me.

TONY

And you're sounding like me.

PAGE SEVENTY-FIVE

Susan switches on the 11pm local news and fixes some coffee. Tony watches
the news inattentively.

On the television screen there's live footage of a mountain cliff illuminated by
police lights, and highway patrolmen looking down at a car that fell into a
deep ravine.

NEWS ANCHOR (on television)

The car fell 100 feet down the cliff, killing the lone occupant
whose identity is being determined at this hour.

WITNESS (on television)

[upset] He took the turn sharp and look terrified,
like he was trying to pump the brake but it wouldn't
stop. And he went right over the cliff.

ANCHOR (on television)

The incident happened around two hours ago on
the main highway leading to Bear Mountain.

TONY

Wonder if Brendan saw this accident up on Bear Mountain.

Susan is still making coffee.

SUSAN

Huh?

PAGE SEVENTY-SIX

TONY

Some guy drove his car off a cliff right around where
Brendan was tonight. Bet he saw the whole thing.

Susan comes out to watch.

SUSAN

How awful.

On the television, we see live footage of the mountainside where the car fell
and a zoom view of the smashed car at the bottom of the valley.

SUSAN

Oh my god, Tony! That's Brendan's Karmann Ghia!

TONY

It is! [He puts his hands over his face and cries.]

Susan hurls her coffee mug at the TV, smashing the screen.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: A month later.

INT. BRENDAN AND GENEVA'S APARTMENT -- AFTERNOON

Nearly everything in Brendan and Geneva's apartment is packed in boxes and
stacked up, because Geneva is moving out. All the plants are in a corner next
to the "Brendan Skye Live at Folk City" poster. Geneva is visibly pregnant
now.

PAGE SEVENTY-SEVEN

GENEVA

Glad you could help with the move.

TONY

Wish I could do more.

GENEVA

I think it's the best thing for me to move in with Susan.
Can't afford this place without Brendan anymore.
And little Alex'll arrive in a few months.

TONY

I'm moving, too. Next month.

GENEVA

Really? Where to?

TONY

Don't know yet. I'm three months behind on the rent and
not earning any money. I guess I'll try temporary
housing for awhile.

In the sky outside the window is a single large cumulus cloud.

TONY

Have you talked to the police about Brendan?

PAGE SEVENTY-EIGHT

GENEVA

Just an accident, they say. And it might've been.

TONY

But the timing stinks.

GENEVA

So what's going to happen to you after next month?

TONY

I really don't know. I'm under a cloud till the case is solved.

GENEVA

Keep in touch, will you?

TONY

I will.

What follows is a series of fast forward glimpses of Tony's life through the
Nineties and the 2000s.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: 1994

INT. DENTIST OFFICE -- DAY

Tony reclines in a dentist's chair and the DENTIST is looking into his mouth.

PAGE SEVENTY-NINE

DENTIST

[shocked] Lord! When was the last time you saw a dentist?

TONY

Several years ago. I've been sort of broke for awhile.

DENTIST

The roots in a few teeth are almost gone. I can recommend
an endodontist.

Tony's cell phone rings while he's in the chair.

TONY

Mind if I take this call?

DENTIST

Be my guest.

TONY (on phone)

Yeah. [pause] I'm trying to get the money to go. I
haven't seen my relatives for years. [pause] Yeah, I'm
losing touch with my roots. [pause] Look, I'm at the
dentist right now. I'll call later. [pause] Okay, bye.

"Music promoter Frank 'The Buzz' Buzzardi was arrested today and charged
with first degree murder in the 1987 slaying of Alex Darrow, former music
charts manager for the Big Hitz trade magazine. The case, which had stymied
investigators for years, finally came to a close this morning when Buzzardi,
now a 62-year-old casino pit boss, was captured by Las Vegas police on a
warrant from New York. Investigators theorize Darrow was murdered
because he refused to sell chart numbers for bribes."

PAGE EIGHTY-THREE

CUT TO:

EXT. SUSAN ADLER'S APARTMENT -- AFTERNOON

Tony knocks on Susan's apartment door. She opens it and looks at him with
shock and tears in her eyes, hugging him with a rush of enthusiasm.

SUSAN

You're back! Come in. [Tony: "Thanks."]

Susan hugs him again.

SUSAN

We thought we'd lost you. Last
I heard, you were in Mexico or something.

TONY

That was years ago. I'm okay now but there
were some rough times.

He looks around the apartment and sees a combination of Susan's things and
Geneva's. The Warhol portrait is still on the wall, Geneva's "Brendan Skye
Live at Folk City" poster is on another wall, and Geneva's plants are
everywhere.

In a corner are a collection of CDs and LPs, including, "The Tom Jones Fever
Zone."

SUSAN

Geneva's still here. And Alex, her son.

PAGE EIGHTY-FOUR

TONY

Alex must be --

SUSAN

He'll be sixteen next month. Can you believe it?

TONY

The view's the same. [He looks out over the balcony
over Washington Square Park.] There's the arch.

SUSAN

Yeah but the twin towers are gone. We used to
see them from the den.

TONY

Ever see the old crowd? Like Stan Tilden?

SUSAN

Not since 9/11. His brother Paul died in the south tower
collapse, and Stan hasn't been the same since. He doesn't
return my calls anymore.

TONY

Sorry to hear that.

PAGE EIGHTY-FIVE

Geneva walks in from the bedroom wearing an Indigo Girls t-shirt, her short
hair now grey.
GENEVA

Tony! I can't believe it!

They hug.

GENEVA

You look great.

TONY

You, too.

A teenage kid who looks strikingly like a very young Brendan Skye comes
from the den.

TEENAGER

Hi mom. I'm heading out to the show.

GENEVA

Alex, first say hello to Tony. He's an old family friend.

ALEX

Hi Tony.

PAGE EIGHTY-SIX

TONY

Hi Alex.

GENEVA

He'll be sixteen next month. And he's playing
guitar and sings just like Brendan.

TONY

[to Alex] So what concert you going to?

ALEX

R.E.M. I'm reviewing it for my school paper.

TONY

[to Geneva] The more things change, huh?

GENEVA

You'd better get going, Alex.

ALEX

Nice meeting you, Tony. [Tony: "Same here."]

Alex walks out the door.

PAGE EIGHTY-SEVEN

We hear R.E.M.'s instrumental "Last Date" in the background.

TONY

I have some good news: I'm moving back to New York.
That new magazine Music Dateline hired me as a writer.

SUSAN

Great. You're welcome to stay here until
you find a place.

TONY

Thanks.

SUSAN

Did you hear the case got solved?

TONY

Oh, yeah. Buzzardi's in a cage. We were
proved right.

SUSAN

You had it solved fifteen years ago. If only
the cops had listened to you then.

TONY

Some people have a lot of explaining to do.

PAGE EIGHTY-EIGHT

SUSAN

Can you believe it's finally over?

TONY

Wish I could tell Brendan the good news.

Screen goes black and we hear the song "Heroes" by David Bowie.

TITLE CARD (before the credits roll):

The music business changed its method of compiling charts in 1990, a year
after the murder on which some of this film is based. The industry now uses
the SoundScan system, which provides a more objective measure of record
units sold.

The murder case on which parts of this film is based was finally solved after
13 years of detective work in 2002, with the arrest of Nashville promoter
Richard D'Antonio (aka, The Tone).

VARIOUS PUBLICATIONS, INCLUDING THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE AND PEOPLE MAGAZINE
Freelance Writer/Reporter
January 1988 to present (see specific dates for each publication)

Wrote satiric piece for The Chicago Tribune (April 25, 2006) that has since been posted on numerous media and private websites. Wrote several stories (2007) that are currently being readied or considered for publication at several newspapers and magazines.

Wrote several chapters of a book-length biography of comedian Richard Pryor for literary agent Jane Dystel of Dystel & Goderich Agency (2005; currently writing it without representation). Contributed reporting to People magazine (issue of Feb. 7, 2005). Wrote and reported investigative piece (9/04 to 4/05) that suggest others had foreknowledge of the attacks (both the JTFF and the FBI have taken my findings seriously enough to have carried out their own investigations based on my findings; story published on this site as a web exclusive).

In non-journalism activities, I recorded a debut music album of 43 of my own original songs; self-released in January 2006, songs from the album have already been added to radio playlists in three nations. (Here is a link to my music site: http://pauliorio.blogspot.com.)

Wrote and reported feature story for the Cox newspaper syndicate (7/18/04); it was
originally published in The Austin American-Statesman and was picked up by Cox. Wrote and reported feature story for New Times (December 2003, for the Miami paper). Wrote, reported and researched exclusive music news story for Reuters's Los Angeles bureau (April to June 2003). Wrote a television feature involving extensive Internet research for The Toronto Star's Arts & Entertainment section (1/03); it is the only story anywhere to have covered the immediate television coverage of the first two plane crashes on 9/11. Wrote non-fiction book, "Conversations with Reclusive Geniuses (and Other Stories)," from January to September 2003 (still in development).

I published seven of my own photographs in The Washington Post (2001, 2002); all ideas for stories I wrote for The Washington Post, usually mixing pop culture and travel, came from me. Some pieces still circulate years later on private and academic websites.

Wrote and reported features and news stories, mostly on television and movies, for The San Francisco Chronicle (3/97 to 6/00); initiated story and production ideas and
contributed photography. Reported news for L.A. bureau of the Reuters News Service,
covering criminal and civil trials of public figures such as O.J. Simpson and Pamela
Anderson. [Please note that I've always both written and reported my stories; the only exception was at Reuters from '97 to '99, where I only reported and co-wrote my stories, as is the custom in the most wire service newsrooms.]

Covered the movie industry's main Oscar night parties first-hand ('99 and '00, for The S.F. Chronicle). Was the first reporter anywhere to link Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche in print(4/97, The Chronicle). Contributed original photography to The Chronicle and initiated many story ideas (such as designing a movie board game for the newspaper that ran in the paper almost exactly as I sketched and wrote it). Contributed interviews with celebrities like Woody Allen who do not regularly talk to the press. For the Chronicle, I conducted the only interview with film director M. Night Shyamalan prior to the release of his blockbuster "The Sixth Sense" (keep in mind that almost nobody thought the movie would be a hit before its release).

Resume, page 2 of 3

For The Los Angeles Times, I wrote, reported and initiated four entertainment features (1/3/98, 9/1/98, 7/8/99, all on the front page of a section), the latter generating more reader response than any story that had run in the Weekend section; another article was carried nationwide the The L.A. Times's wire service. Through my own connections, I was able to land a rare interview with film director Roman Polanski for The L.A. Times (1999), resulting in a popular two-part article on the film Chinatown. Also for The L.A. Times, I wrote the first profile anywhere about actor Troy Garity.

[For more about the influence of my Los Angeles Times story about the movie "Chinatown," go to www.resumesidenotes.blogspot.com.]

Wrote and reported articles on movies directly for The New York Times's Arts & Leisure section (1/95 to 4/95; and 6/94); one story was subsequently syndicated nationwide in numerous major papers, another article republished in German newsweekly Die Woche. All stories initiated by me. Wrote and reported article on movies for The Washington Post (10/94), for which I interviewed surgeons and other medical professionals. Wrote cover story for L.A. New Times (7/96 - 10/96), featuring a rare, if brief, interview with comedian Richard Pryor. Penned satire for Details magazine (10/94).

In June 1996, I relocated to Los Angeles after living in and around Manhattan for 17
years.

Wrote articles for both the old and new Spy magazine on movies, pop music and politics, including satiric and investigative pieces (I was on contract for Spy from 10/88 to 3/89; 6/91 to 8/91; 8/92 to 10/92; 9/93 to 12/93; 8/94 to 2/95). I exposed university presidents selling academic and honorary degrees; created the popular Dylan-o-Matic (by which people can write their own Bob Dylan lyrics); did investigative reporting involving the search of court records.

Also wrote stories on film for New York Newsday (1/93; 2/92 to 3/92; 7/92 to 8/92; 7/92 to 8/92). Scripted music news for Tel-Star TV, a syndicated music video television series (Fall seasons of '89 and '90). Contributed music reviews and features to The Street magazine (3/89 to 3/90). Wrote news story for The Village Voice (2/88) and features for Hits magazine.

THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE (S.F.)
Staff Writer and Reporter
May 2000 to January 2001
Wrote, reported and initiated features and news stories on television and movies, as well as on books, pop culture and the theater, usually under tight deadlines. Conducted daily interviews with entertainment and other public figures. Reported breaking news. Was one of the first writers anywhere to have proposed a story about the CBS blockbuster C.S.I. before the series aired (an editor vetoed the idea). My published interview with poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti revealed new details about the Beat literary movement (10/00; story still widely circulated on the Internet). Covered the television critics "tour" of new programs in Pasadena (7/00). I had a zero percent correction rate during my four years at The Chronicle and never once missed a deadline. In fact, I never once required or received a deadline extension for any story I wrote for the Chronicle. [A letter of recommendation from my main editor at The Chronicle (a senior editor), written after working with me for three years in '00, read in part: "Paul has an original way of approaching a story. His writing rarely needs much editing. And best of all, he is completely reliable."]

I had only two job titles at the Chronicle: freelance writer/reporter and staff writer/reporter. My sole job responsibilities during my four years at the Chronicle were writing, reporting, researching and initiating news stories and features (though in the final few weeks of my four years there, I also took on editorial duties that my editor was unable to perform because of his extended vacation).

[For more about my years at The San Francisco Chronicle, go to
www.resumesidenotes.blogspot.com.]

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EAST COAST ROCKER NEWSPAPER (N.Y.)
Staff Writer/Reporter
August 1987 to January 1990
Wrote weekly news, features and essays on pop music and the entertainment industry for Arts Weekly's two publications: The East Coast Rocker and Downtown. Was the first to write about several unsigned acts that later became successful (like rock band Phish).

[For more about my reporting of 1989 -- particularly my unpublished investigative reporting of 1989/1990 (which is some of my best) -- go to
www.resumesidenotes.blogspot.com.]

CASH BOX MAGAZINE (N.Y.)
Staff Writer/Reporter
August 1985 to August 1987
Wrote and reported news, features and a weekly column on pop music and the
entertainment business, with emphasis on emerging music acts. Was first reporter at any trade publication to write about certain unsigned performers who later became successful (such as They Might Be Giants and Michelle Shocked) and wrote the first pieces anywhere on Paul Simon's "Graceland" and other hit albums. Conducted an interview with Fela Kuti that was apparently his first after being released from prison, did a Q&A with XTC's Andy Partridge (rare at the time), and interviewed pop culture figures ranging from Frank Zappa and Bill Graham to Ray Davies, Joseph Shabalala (of Ladysmith Black Mambazo) and Don Johnson. Was featured in a story in USA Today (1/8/86 and in 1987). Started using computer email in 1986.

MERRILL LYNCH & CO. (N.Y.)
Corporate Communications Writer (final position)
January 1982 to July 1985
Wrote and researched articles for home office house organs and newsletters at the firm's international headquarters (Sept. '84 to July '85). Contributed photography to ML publications. Started at ML in Business Planning Dept. (1/82 to 8/84, but full-time from 8/83) as assistant, until I was promoted to writer. During this period, also wrote satire for New York's East Village Eye newspaper ('81 to '84) and The Aquarian Weekly ('82).

DELL PUBLISHING CO. (N.Y.)
Delacorte Publicity Dept. -- 8/80 to 10/81
Assistant position also involved writing press releases, book synopses and author bios. [Moved to New York City in June 1979; held various interim positions in NY before landing the job at Dell.]

[Note: this resume lists no pro bono or volunteer work or positions. All positions labeled "staff" were full-time, and some of the freelance spots were also full-time.]

EDUCATION

UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA, Gainesville
B.A., philosophy, high honors, 1979.
Philosophy studies emphasized aesthetics and phenomenology. Participated in creative writing program ('76 to '78), studying under novelists such as Harry Crews, while producing short stories. Studied art history in Florence, Italy, for six months in 1976; visited eleven countries, including Iron Curtain nations Bulgaria and Yugoslavia, traveling alone by local train from Florence to Istanbul and back. At U.F., I was technically in the class of '79, but my high scores on advanced placement tests enabled me to graduate with a B.A. degree early, in Dec. '78 (course credits from my studies in Florence, Italy, weren't counted until Jan. '79, so that's why I list my graduation year as 1979.) Organized both student-level and community-wide political activity (from ages 10 to 17, and independent of family) that was covered contemporaneously in newspapers, including in the main newspaper of my hometown of the early-1970s, Tampa, Florida (1974).
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