Thursday, November 26, 2009

Squanto Wanted To Gobble Gobble Gobble Us Up!!!

The story of Tisquantum (better known to most of us as Squanto) is quite well known among the American people. Without his assistance, the Pilgrims would never have survived their first winter in the New World. Squanto's command of the English language proved to be invaluable as he served as a mediator between the Pilgrims and the native tribes in the area. Also, Squanto's knowledge of farming and fishing techniques ensured that the Pilgrims would have plenty of food to survive on and also ushered in the traditional Thanksgiving Day feast as we know it. Indeed, Squanto's intervention proved that colonial expansion in North America was viable and allowed for the future expansion of the human population, which is just what Squanto and his alien brethren wanted.

When Squanto's alien overlords first seeded this planet with a strange variety of hairless primates known as humans, they intended to allow the population to spawn for a few hundred thousand years so that they could come back, do a quick culling and feast upon the soylent green fruits of their labor. The problem was, these pesky humans were prone to population crashes. The Toba catastrophe in 70,000 BC and the Black Death pandemic in the 14th Century showed the aliens that, in order to successfully farm humanity, humans needed to be seeded far across the planet.

Attempts to get the Vikings and the Chinese to take root in North America failed miserably. Europeans would prove to be a more interesting prospect in the 16th Century, though those hopes were dashed when Roanoke colony collapsed. It seemed that humanity would need direct alien intervention, which is something that the alients were reluctant to do after the Mayans stumbled upon their plans to harvest humanity by the end of 2012.

Posing as a Native American human, Squanto passed himself off as part of the Patuxet tribe and allowed himself to be captured by English explorer George Weymouth. This, and a subsequent staged kidnappings by Thomas Hunt lent credibility to Squanto's story. While he was away in England, an alien STD (you probably know it better as SmallPox) infected his adopted tribe (you might say that Squanto liked to "play" with his food) and killed them off, thus lending further credibility to his position.

When he finally returned to North America, Squanto was ready to put his plan into action. He simply gave the English Pilgrims what was then considered to be advanced farming techniques. Using fish as fertilizer was unheard of in Europe, as it was thought that it would have resulted in stinky crops. Squanto's techniques were successful, and, along with diplomacy and a propensity to smite the Pilgims' enemies when nobody was watching proved to the powers of Europe that colonization could be profitable, which inspired more colonial exploits. Once he saw that he had been successful, Squanto faked his own death and returned to his home planet to prepare for the upcoming feast 400 years hence.

What sprung forth from the well that was Plymouth Colony allowed for a population boom. Once the stability of the North American population was well established, Squanto's successors made sure to move the plan to the next level, which involved fattening us up for the harvest. As we head into the year 2010, world population is nearing 7 billion and obesity rates are at unprecedented highs, which is right on course for the yield that the aliens are expecting to have near the end of 2012. The First Thanks Giving was way for the Pilgrims to celebrate a bountiful harvest. Our alien overlords are planning ahead for theirs. They are scheduled to feast on December 21, 2012.