The "Real Housewives of New Jersey" reunion: Zero to crazy in 90 seconds flat. Yessir, that's about as long as it took for Teresa Giudice to unleash her first zinger at Danielle Staub, all while ostensibly answering host Andy Cohen's innocent question about what they think about that other Jersey reality show. Teresa was put off by one of the female cast member's willingness to jump into bed with a guy she just met. "I'm old school, like, you need to get to know someone, not after a week you sleep with someone, like certain people in this room, but we're not going to go there right now ... Keep asking questions. ... Wait, you know what, let's go back to that one. I think Danielle could relate to them, right Danielle? Because after a week you met Steve, you slept with him in my Shore house, in front of your kids. That was okay, right?"

You have to give Danielle credit for keeping a preternatural -- okay, preternaturally creepy -- calm about her most of the evening. "You really are insane aren't you?" she calmly tells Teresa.

Consider that an amuse bouche. The drama reaches a fever pitch soon after, when Jacqueline and Teresa complain that Danielle didn't call to congratulate Jacqueline Laurita on the birth of her son, Nicholas. (My burning question: If they think Danielle is such garbage, why would they even care at this point? Why wouldn't they welcome Danielle being incommunicado?) But then Danielle drops a bomb on Teresa: "Did you you acknowledge your nephew?" We don't know what she's talking about, but we can certainly guess what she's getting at. Teresa is taken aback, but snaps to fairly quickly. She gets up, stalks over to Danielle, and screeches in her face something like, "Do not break up my family!" This is one of the few times I am happy to be hearing impaired. That did not look pleasant.

Andy tries to pull Teresa away, and Teresa pushes him back. Hilariously, he collapses into his seat as Danielle strolls off the set, Teresa cursing and throwing a pillow at her. Teresa screams, and I quote, "Bwouaaaaaaaaaah!" Spellcheck, don't fail me now. Andy and Caroline Manzo move in to calm her down. Filming is suspended, except, of course, it isn't. We see a group of people trying to calm Teresa, while at the other end of the set, Danielle paces, saying, "I can't bring up something that's the truth ... but they can lie about me?"

When Andy approaches Danielle, she takes him to task for letting the situation get out of hand. "I could have quite possibly been hit there, so someone needs to be on her. If she moves her ass off that couch again, I'm leaving." "I'm not gonna let her get up," Andy assures her. Yeah, you and what army? Back on set, Teresa is screaming at Andy to get Danielle back in there, and Andy sternly tells Teresa that she can't get off the couch again. "I'm not going to hit her," Teresa says. "She's not worth it."

Backstage, Danielle is almost in tears while her entourage calms her down. On set, waiting for taping to start, Caroline tells Teresa to be smart. "Don't let your emotions to get to you. She wants this. She wanted that moment. You just gave it to her -- again." It may be true that Danielle wants it, but isn't it also true that Teresa fired the first shot? Like the last time?

Well, that was very dramatic, wasn't it? The rest of the evening kind of pales in comparison. There is just one more point I'd like to bring up before delving into the other skirmishes of the evening: The very idea that that all this drama is anything close to "reality." In that regard, there were two illuminating comments made during the reunion. First, when Jacqueline brings up rumors that Danny Provenzano split from his wife while filming the second season because he allegedly had an affair with Danielle, Danielle says, "I don't hang out with him. I tape with him, and that's it."

And when Danielle and Teresa start to bicker about how much Teresa talks about her, Teresa snaps, "Bitch, I don't talk about you. Okay? I'm doing it right now because we're on a freaking TV show ... I never talk about you. Unless it's on camera, thank you." Which basically means that all that time spent talking about Danielle this season -- we'll conservatively estimate it as 85 percent -- was put on for the camera. Of course, the only surprise is that the producers let those acknowledgments air at all.

Caroline does insist, however, that she's been real throughout the season. "I know what I am as a person, okay, and I could sit here and you could throw something at me and I'm going to own it," she tells Danielle. "I've been like this," she says, waving her hand in a straight line. "You've been Mr. Toad's Wild Freaking Ride. That's what I see when I look at you. It's a matter of convenience, what it is at the moment that works for you."

Other highlights (or lowlights):

-- Andy raises the question lingering from last season's reunion show: What did Danielle do to Dina Manzo that made big sister Caroline so mad? Danielle says that Dina thinks Danielle was working to get custody of Dina's daughter Lexi taken away. Danielle denies this. "Why would I do such a thing ... I don't think she's an unfit mother." Jacqueline says that Danielle's lawyer put some sort of gag order on Dina so she couldn't discuss the allegations. Danielle allows that she may have, because Dina lied about the situation in an interview. "Do. Not. Speak. Of. My. Sister" Don Corleone, er, Caroline tells Danielle. Jacqueline tells Danielle to shut up and calls her a piece of garbage. Look who's finally growing a spine!

-- Teresa confirms that Joe didn't get her a huge diamond for their anniversary; it was a yellow sapphire cocktail ring. When Andy asks her about a New York Post report that detailed their bankruptcy filing, including $20,000 in credit card debt to Bloomingdale's, Neiman Marcus and Nordstrom, Teresa scoffs. "Do we believe everything the New York Post writes?" She flat out denies the credit card debt, even though the bankruptcy papers that list $20,000 in debt to the three major department stores were written up by her own lawyer. Which she signed. She says Joe didn't tell her about the depth of their financial problems because he was protecting her, and that she doesn't read the negative things that are written about her. "Are you keeping out the negative or do you think you're a little bit in denial?" Andy asks her. "Keeping out the negative," she says firmly.

-- When asked whether Caroline regrets taking a shot at Danielle's children by saying they don't have light -- or as Caroline now describes it, "innocence" -- in their eyes, she says she doesn't. Danielle insists that her children have light. "Do you know they cry at school every day?" Jacqueline asks her. "Because of rumors that they hear ... I feel bad for them." Leave the girls and their light, or lack thereof, out of it, please.

-- Teresa swears that Joe was not drunk the night he was arrested for DUI after crashing his car. He only went to a nearby friend's house and downed a couple of shots because "he was all shaken up," Teresa says. Danielle finds this hard to believe. So does my turtle.

-- When Andy says that the father from the baby cancer benefit claims that Danielle never donated any money after ruining the event, Danielle tries to set the record straight. With no help from Caroline. "I went door to door" -- "Lie." -- "collecting" -- "Lie. Lie." -- "commitments" -- "Lie." -- "of $6,000" -- "Lie." Then Caroline really rips into her: "You came into my place of business looking to cause a problem. You brought danger to my son in the shape of that Sweathog reject 'Okay, Mr. Kot-ter or whatever the hell his name is fool. Your intent was to come and cause a scene to try and defame my husband."

-- When Caroline asks Danielle to explain what Danielle meant about greeting her son Chris pleasantly at the benefit and calling it a "psychological F-U," Danielle claims that it was just an acknowledgment that they were putting the families' differences aside. Oh, please. "You do not sit here and try to make a fool out of me," Caroline says. "I am looking at the fool."

Next week, part two of the reunion: Danielle walks off the set again! The return of Kim Granatell! And best of all, a head in a bag!