Message Boards

Topic : Should We Get Pregnant?

It is a question most marriages face - when is it right to add a family member? Share your answers with us!

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

Health First

I have recently been diagnosed with cancer and the doctors have advised that I have my children now if I plan to have them. I just got married in June. We have always planned on having children but we wanted to wait until I was out of school. I have a full time job and I'm just taking a class here and there so graduation is not in the near future. I my husband said we should have children now, but I can't help but feel guilty for forcing this on him earlier than planned. He has never made me feel guilty about this but deep down I know that he doesn't want children right now. How do I stop feeling guilty? Does this mean I shouldn't have kids? &nbsp

&nbsp

Concerned and scared.&nbsp

&nbsp

Sarah Amador&nbsp

What you, I think need to consider first, is, what if your health took a turn for the worse? Maybe first, ask the doctors what would happen if you were pregnant, and got sick? Maybe wait until you have beaten cancer then have children in a healthy body?

I know a woman who was pregnant with twins, and she was then diagnosed with cancer. She couldn't have treatment because it would kill her children, and two months after having them, she died, it was too late to save her.

I wouldn't want the same for you.

I don't know what kind of cancer you have, if the only treatment available, let's say if you have ovarian or cervical cancer or something like that, there are options available, like if it's cervical cancer, and it's small enough, I've heard that you can do a cone removal, they take the cancer out in the shape of a cone, and then sew the rest of your cervix back together. This allows you to have children, with putting the pregnancy at a higher risk because your cervix may become incompetent, but you'll be watched carefully. Ovarian cancer, ask about having some eggs frozen, just like sperm, and wait until you're better, all in the clear, then have in vitro.

If it's like, uterine cancer, that's a different story, what about a surrogate partner? Like a cousin or sister, someone close in your family who can understand and would like to help?

I'm just trying to let you know the many options available, I don't want you to push for kids now, while you haven't been told you're okay enough, I mean, just being diagnosed with cancer, there are a LOT of things that are going to happen to you to make sure you come out okay.

If your husband says to have kids now, discuss with him the many options available, ( again, me not know the type of cancer), and come up with a decision together. If then, he still says to go for it. Go for it. And work it all out together as a family.

Not So Stupid

You are not married - so don't get pregnant. Duh. You would be stupid to get pregnant now.

Many women can take care of children when not married. I was a single mother for 4 years, from the age of 18 till now, awaiting my second child with my fiance. There's nothing wrong with being a single mom, and getting pregnant when not married but with someone. As long as it's a comitted relationship. The idea of being pregnant without being married is often scary, because most couples can hardly handle ANY stress during the first dating stage. Pregnancy, I agree, is the most stressful time in a couple's life, other than a death in the family, but a strong relationship can overcome that. Speaking from experience, I sometimes think being a single mom is WAY easier than doing it with someone, but hey, it works either way if you want it to and TRY and WORK for it to be fine.

People just don't work hard enough at it and that's what makes it fail.

Raising my daughter by myself until now, was EXTREMELY easy. Just that. Easy, I went to college, worked, took care of us all by myself, did fine, and it was easy.

I find nothing wrong with being a single mother, as long as you grow up for it.

Should We Get Pregnant?

I agree with you. I'm a single parent, too. I didn't go out and try to get pregnant, but it happened, and I'm doing it. I'm going back to school to get a nursing degree. I sometimes miss having a partner, but I think you are right on when you say that it can actually be easier without a partner!

Should We Get Pregnant?

I agree with you. I'm a single parent, too. I didn't go out and try to get pregnant, but it happened, and I'm doing it. I'm going back to school to get a nursing degree. I sometimes miss having a partner, but I think you are right on when you say that it can actually be easier without a partner!

But also, sometimes, being with someone, it's like being single because they may be at work while you're at home. I'm doing that now, he's out at work, I'm at home, and he only sees our daughter for one hour a day then it's her bedtime, of course, that's the time he spends soley with her, and we both put her to bed, but, I spend my whole day alone with her still.

But back to being a single parent, hey, when you do things out of love, EVERYTHING is easy!!

getting pregnant

I have been reading some of your stories here and it is really depressing. I think if you want to have a baby than have a baby, I have two and I can say I have never felt so much joy and happiness having them. They are the apple of my eye. Just use your best judgment like if your not married than not such a good idea, but if you are married and want children than I say go for it. I got married in Oct. of 2001 and got pregnant in DEC. had a girl when she was a year I got pregnant again I lost it(very devastating) than three months after I lost it (we think it was a boy) we got pregnant again for a boy now he is 17 months and we are going to try for number three and I am so excited I could just scream. I know I sound all happy and everything but I have learned in life you only have one so enjoy every day even if it a bad one. You will never see that day again. If you want something bad enough than you do have the power to take it on and go for it! I have my bad days as well as my good days but I find the good in them. Like for example my daughter is almost three and a half and not potty trained that really frustrates me but I guess she is not ready so whatever. But I guess bottom line is if you want to get pregnant get pregnant, you all know deep in your mind and heart what you really want to do. Good luck with all your decisions and I hope you all do what is best for you.&nbsp

How to ballance

My husband and I have been together for 4.5 years and married for 2.5 years. We bought a home a year ago. I just finished my masters degree in education. My husband is a general contractor. We both are working full time to make our payments and I am not sure how to have time and money for kids. How can we ballance working with having kids?

Impasse

This is a hot topic for my wife and I right now. We've been married for almost 15 years and have three beautiful children. We've had our arguments just like any couple but, generally speaking, we have a good marital relationship and we're best friends.&nbsp

&nbsp

After we had our first two kids, we decided (mutually) not to try again for awhile for various reasons (moving, job changes, etc.). But then, she told me she wanted to try again "just one more time." I was resistant at first, not really interested in having more kids, but since she said "just one more time," I figured it was something I could do for her because she wanted it so badly and I loved her and wanted to make her happy. So we had our third, a boy, in November of 2003. He's beautiful, and I love him to death, and even though I really wasn't interested in having any more than the two kids we already had, I feel no regret at all about having our third.&nbsp

&nbsp

So after we had our third, I'm thinking we're done, because I feel like I'm done, and she told me she would be done. So when our third gets to be about a year and a half, she tells me she still wants another one, and that she was lying to me before about being done after three. We fought about it like we've never fought about anything before for about two months until I finally gave in and she got pregnant again. I was angry for feeling deceived and coerced and couldn't emotionally connect with the baby in utero. My wife was conflicted, too, because she was happy to be pregnant again, but knew I was disengaged and unhappy about it, even though I consciously treated her well just like always, despite being angry with her.&nbsp

&nbsp

Tragically, in November of 2005, we lost the baby in the 23rd week of pregnancy to Trisomy 13, a highly rare, fatal genetic disorder. We were both greatly saddened, but my wife was deeply, deeply heartbroken. She wanted the baby so badly, and she also knew that, given how much I fought her on it, it was probably going to be her last chance. We have grieved the loss of that baby, and we're all individually healing from that experience.&nbsp

&nbsp

Unfortunately, it seems to have strengthened and intensified our opposing positions on the issue. She wants another baby even more, now, and I'm more averse to the idea than ever. She's been bringing it up, and I've been mostly just skirting it, because every time we try and talk about it, we just end up at the same old frustrating impasse. It's seriously threatening our marriage and family now, and I just don't know what to do.&nbsp

&nbsp

I feel like I'm doing everything right as a husband and father and just being punished for it. She treats me poorly regularly because she's angry with me, even though I'm doing nothing wrong. When she was pregnant with the baby we lost and we didn't know we were going to lose her, I treated her just fine, even though we both knew I wasn't happy about being pregnant again. It's not like we've had fertility problems and haven't been able to conceive; we have three kids. It's not like she's never had the experience of being pregnant and having a baby to care for before.&nbsp

&nbsp

Anyway, it feels like it's coming down to a deal-breaker for us and I just don't know what to do. Today she said to me, "When the kids grow up, I'm going to divorce you and adopt a baby." She said she was just "alerting me to what she was thinking," but, I'm convinced it's just another attempt to try and manipulate me into complying. She's been saying lots of cr*p like that to me lately. I think how she's treating me is so unfair; I can't help that I don't want what I don't want. But on her side of the coin, I can see how she could be very frustrated and angry that she's not getting what she wants.&nbsp

&nbsp

I don't want to break up our family because our relationship is otherwise very good and we're truly best friends. We have one of those rare kinds of marriages where we actually see eye-to-eye on most things and it actually works in its own weird way. The kids are great, good-hearted, well-adjusted kids and I'd be afraid of what might happen to them if we were to get a divorce, having come from a broken home myself.&nbsp

&nbsp

If anyone reading this has any advice or insight to share as it relates to our situation, please share. I think we're almost at the end of our rope, and could desperately use the help and perspective of anyone who can help.&nbsp

Comments welcome

I am a 37 year old with two boys ages 17 and 8. They both have different fathers because things just didn't work out even though I was with their fathers for years. After spending a couple of years on my own with them, I met the most wonderful man ever. We have been together for 2 years and are very happy and in love. He is 26, never married and doesn't have any children. We are considering having a baby, my concern is that it will change our relationship, or maybe his relationship with my boys now. He has been very good with them . I guess I never expected to be this happy and am so afraid things will change. I guess I am also concerned about having two children already with different fathers and now possibly having another one. I am so happy now, is it possible that if we make a change that we will remain happy forever or I am going to jinx what I finally have?

Mom of two boys in new relationship...

I am a 37 year old with two boys ages 17 and 8. They both have different fathers because things just didn't work out even though I was with their fathers for years. After spending a couple of years on my own with them, I met the most wonderful man ever. We have been together for 2 years and are very happy and in love. He is 26, never married and doesn't have any children. We are considering having a baby, my concern is that it will change our relationship, or maybe his relationship with my boys now. He has been very good with them . I guess I never expected to be this happy and am so afraid things will change. I guess I am also concerned about having two children already with different fathers and now possibly having another one. I am so happy now, is it possible that if we make a change that we will remain happy forever or I am going to jinx what I finally have?

Since you have had two long term relationships and have two other children, it would be wise to not have another child until you are happily married to this man. To be sure that your happiness is long lived, I encourage you to seek pre-marital counceling to strengthen your communication skills and work on any old baggage/issues that you might have lurking around in a closet somewhere. (you know what I mean!)

You don't say if you were ever married before, but I'm assuming that you weren't. Its wonderful that you are feeling so happy and fullfilled, everyone deserves that out of life, and unless there are some red flags that you haven't mentioned, there isn't any reason to think this relationship won't work, right? Iknow that you must have some doubts in the back of your mind, but don't project those doubts onto your partner now. Again, this is where pre-marital counceling comes in, to guide you and your partner to learn how to take the steps needed to keep communication open and honest. I wish you well!

When is it the right time to have a baby (what if i'm not sure I want a baby)

I have been married for 3 years now my husband and I are both 32 years old. I know that he is ready to have baby as he keeps hinting more and more and he keeps trying to get me pregnant more so than before. I am not sure if I want to have children, not sure why I feel this way!!! Sometimes I feel that it's because of the messed up life I grew up in or because I have so much to do before I become a parent (Like finish school). I've have always been a little different from all my female friends, never day dreamed of my wedding day or having children like most woman do. I always said I would never get married or have children. Always had different dreams like being successful buying a home, getting a degree yada yada yada. Not sure what to do!! One of my biggest fears is that when I do have a child then I will be stuck with all the cleaning on top of all I do now, and financially, well.. you know how hard it can be. and yes many of you will say, well just talk to your husband and make sure he'll help around the house and with the children while you try to be a mom, wife, and successful career woman. But I'm scared that he can promise now but not help out when the time comes (we have problems about him helping out now that we have no kids)&nbsp

&nbsp

So what if I don't want children now but one day later in life I do when it's too late and what if I'm not even sure about what i want and I'm running out time and my husband is running out of patience. &nbsp