BN Prose: Me & My Big Eyes by Ido Ekong

When I was younger my mother told me “Koko be content with what you have”, she practically drummed it into my ears but I never understood why I could not wear expensive clothes and look as fantastic as other kids; to me my mother was just stingy and I looked forward to growing up and living the lavish lifestyle I honestly desired.
As I grew and began to handle money on my own, I immediately took on the dream job I had envisaged- Spending Spree! Whatever my eyes desired I bought and if I could not afford it I borrowed, it was really that simple. Either way I was going to afford it irrespective of the cost.

I kept on the lavish lifestyle in school, the clothes, the trips, the choice accommodation, the latest phones and electronic gadgets I was a big girl and I made that clear to everyone who knew me. I rolled with friends who had these things and I never took time to caution myself that their parents could probably afford it; honestly I overstretched my parents especially my dear mother who was a junior civil servant, my uncles and aunties avoided my calls like a plague because nobody believed me when I had issues since they all thought I was going to buy more expensive clothes and didn’t look like one who had any problems anyways, I looked far better than those who I was borrowing from. I borrowed to furnish my lifestyle and when my debt was due I borrowed to furnish that debt. It was a vicious cycle and to me it was a minor price to pay to live the life.

Unfortunately there was another story in the air, the story behind my back – my friends rumored and I heard it a couple of times. The rumor was that I lived a false life and I had a big eye but really who cared? After all they still came to me to borrow clothes. I was the example of a big girl and commented on how beautiful I looked; in my world they secretly desired to look like me! Very few friends knew my background and I did not care, to me there was no reason not to have it if you desired it.

Several years later and I met this wonderful man who never had issues with my covetous nature while we were dating and we considered his servicing my expensive needs as a way of showing his love for me. Today, I’m married to him and he works really hard to put food on the table but I still have that problem, the problem of never being satisfied and in all sincerity I have spent him dry.

Now my salary is gone even before it arrives; I’m paying several debts for several items I honestly don’t know if I need. There is no food on our table again because I have spent the money for food on choice clothes. I have more clothes and shoes than I can ever wear and don’t even ask.

No I don’t have any savings. I’m still the envy of all my friends but I am also the topic of every gossip! Who do I blame? My friends and husband who never stopped lending me the money I needed to buy these items I obviously could not afford? They never confronted me on this issue… or do I blame myself for lack of self-control.

My loving husband has had enough and has given me the ultimatum to either cut my expenses or he leaves the marriage.
I’m torn between my loving husband and my sincere desire to keep up with the Kardashians.

I feel so lost.

Photo Credit: goddessintellect.com
_______________________________________________________________________________________Ido Ekong is a lawyer in her “day job”, when she is not working she finds time to read a good book or hang out with friends who indulge her mischievous and silly habits. She comes from a closely knit family. Her favorite color is purple. Ido lives in Abuja, Nigeria.

About Ekong Ido

Ido Ekong is a lawyer in her “day job”, when she is not working she finds time to read a good book or hang out with friends who indulge her mischievous and silly habits. She comes from a closely knit family. Her favorite color is purple. Ido lives in Abuja, Nigeria.

Cut all your credit cards if you live abroad and you have them. Open a savings account that offers a penalty if you dip into it. See your savings as your debt repayment plan. Always go shopping with a debit card or cash. Stay away from shopping malls or online stores. Set yourself a target not to shop and reward yourself at the end of that period for not shopping at all, that way you have something to look forward to. Start with baby steps, like one month target, 3 months, 6 months and so on. If you go cold turkey, you will fall. Also set a target to pay off a good chunk of your debt. if you eat out a lot, start cooking at home. if you don’t know how to cook, learn. there are lots of blogs out there. Pour out every single item in your wardrobe and take a good look at yourself looking through those items. I swear shame will catch you for spending so much acquiring nonsense. Then many of the stuff you’ve acquired over the years start selling on eBay or do the honourable thing and donate some of them to charity so as to de-clutter your wardrobe. Find something worthwhile to save towards, like a course or a workshop or a certification or a skill. Something that will improve your life but is not tangible like a dress or a pair of shoes. Finally, beware of your friends. Take a good checklist of your friends and pin point the ones that enable your habit (probably because they have that habit too) and avoid them. Find activities to do that don’t involve shopping. Shopping is not a hobby, get yourself busy with other things. It worked for me. It was very hard but that materialistic urge is no longer there. The things I buy don’t define me. Develop who you are over what you have. All the best.

Lol. No be small keeping up with the Kardashians when you should be keeping up with you and you alone. Thank God for your husband! You already solved the problem – “for several items which I honestly don’t know if I need”.

you need to cut down on your expenses seriously it is a bad thing not to be able to control ones urge for things it can lead to stealing, or prostituting (thank God you’ve not done that yet) the best thing to do is to discipline yourself, set a standard and take your mind and thought off them shikenah

Hi, this so reminds me of the movie ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’. Great movie I must say. My dear, it’s all about Discipline. You need to discipline yourself. Besides you can look good on a very low budget, it must not be way out of range. Always keep it simple. I love clothes, but I don’t over spend. I shop once a year while on holiday, and as my mother -in-law would always say,”Better thing no dey finish”. Please keep that in mind. All the best love.

Boy…that does sound like you’re trying to keep up with the Joneses. But I’d advise you to maybe set up a direct debit to your husband’s bank account – so every month once your salary comes…he already has a percentage of that which could be enough for you guys to mange on. And as Fizzie was saying in a joking way…maybe organise a yard sale, where you can offload some of the clothes that in your opinion ‘are never going to wear’.

The truth is we all know the truth as it really applies to us. from your gist its obvious the truth is not far fetched as you’re already aware that there is a huge difference btw wants and needs .
I think the only thing that has kept me out of debt is pride and worry. I can worry for Africa! I always think of all the what if’s that could possibly go wrong, hence I’ll rather starve or delay any form of gratification than go about asking for money to do anything when I could have done it for myself. Don’t get me wrong, there are exceptions though, no man is an Island but definitely not to impress people that don’t even care.

Everyday is an opportunity to start all over, a step at a time and you’ll become debt free.

I thought this article was a joke o, then I saw Zoey’s comments, so I’ll be serious.

Know this; if you continue like this, it will not end well. You will be the butt of several jokes, and nobody will lend you money anymore. You think you have friends now? They will run…because they know you’ll always borrow money you can’t pay back, and they will not want to inconvenience themselves while you are spending their hard earned money.
So this is what you should do (in my opinion). Calculate how much you need for your basic needs –feeding, transportation, electricity + 10% more–for the month. Subtract that from your monthly income, and then join a cooperative at work OR start a monthly savings plan with a discount house/insurance company that you can only touch after a few years, and dump the remainder in there. I say this because I doubt you have the discipline (for now) to slowly reduce your spending. The idea is to take your money out of your hands so that you don’t spend it, and make sure you don’t go borrowing anymore. There are more advanced ways of saving and multiplying your money, but you can start with these. Bottomline, the thought of your money piling up, and what you can do with it in the future should be a good motivator for you to stop spending willy nilly. Everybody needs savings for when emergencies occur…clothes and bags will depreciate!

Take a chill pill y’all. I think this article was written in the first person narrative to give the illusion of firsthand experience,as in its pure fiction told from a 1st person narrative.
At least,we all get the moral of the story;do not buy what you cannot afford. Simples! 🙂

First of all, you have acknowledged you have a problem. That is a BIG STEP. No more hiding place and you are now seeking help. Another big step. Well done.
Now get your laptop or Ipad (I’m sure you have one as you already said “you must have the latest gadget”) and write down exactly how much you owe and who you owe it too. Also write down the interest rate you are paying if any on all of them. You said you have no savings and you probably have no investments/assets either. I would have said to consolidate all your debts and pay one lump sum monthly with one interest rate. Don’t worry it’s not too late. As long as there is still breadth in you there is still hope of turning things around. Once you know how much, draw up a monthly budget (I allow flexibility in my budget month to month), income and outgoing and write down how much you can afford to pay monthly on each debt. Be realistic and don’t over stretch yourself. Still allow yourself some treats fashion items but I am not talking high end fashion items that are meant for celebrities. STOP keeping up with the Joneses
Call each card company up and ask them to transfer your account to collections department. Thereby you would stop paying the monthly interests which can also quickly mount up on top of what you already owe. You will then agree with collections dept how much you can afford to pay. They will welcome such news because they also want their money back. What I would then do is to cut up all your credit cards and store cards. I don’t know which part of the world you live in. If you live in a world where you need to hold one credit card, make yourself accountable to your husband. Ask him to add you to one of his credit cards as an additional card holder. But make sure the limit on that card is very minimal. I have a friend whose credit card limit is only £300 (I live in UK). She said she only needs it towards month end if and when petrol is running low or she needs travel money (to and from work). When you are an additional card holder, the bills or alerts goes to your husband and he can keep an eye on your spending. All the £300 limit of it. LOL
If you are such that buys breakfast/lunch at work, STOP IT NOW! They are so expensive. Bring the previous night’s leftovers from home as your lunch at work. Most times in UK we tend to throw leftovers away anyway as they would have spent so much time in the fridge, Uneaten. Bring it to work and you would have saved yourself £5 odd for that day. Buy your own cereal, tea, coffee & Milk at work for the week. You would have saved a fortune by month end. I have a friend who is struggling yet continues to buy £3 odd cappuccino or Latte every morning. And I on the other hand avail myself to free coffee/tea from my staff kitchen every morning. I always have left overs but this same guy will buy Itsu (yuk!) for £7 or Thai or Sandwich from Eat or Prêt a manger for £4.50. Add that up over 22 working days in the month. Yet he continues to struggle. Sometimes he will hide his coffee from me because he knows I would say something.
For credit cards, if you can also do balance transfers to zero interest rate, but there is always a fee, so watch out for that. But for somebody like you I wouldn’t recommend it because I somehow don’t trust your ‘self control’. But if your account is with collections, they know how to bombard you with several threatening letters if u miss one payment.
Overall watch your daily spending. If you can’t ‘mental calculate’ what you spend using a Debit card, then withdraw money weekly/monthly and keep in a jar at home. I have a friend who does that. She is richer than me. Do whatever works for you.
Your treats – Occasional treats – I must say. I rarely buy anything that is not 70% off. I am not kidding. You don’t see me in stores at the beginning of the sale. You only see me shopping at the tail end of sale season. This is because goods are usually 60-75% off. And if you can’t find what you want, then you are not meant to have it. Move on to the next item. A friend said to me “Girl, you are the only one who can rock £1 jewelry like it cost a million pound” So true. Nobody would know I bought what I am wearing for £1. I won’t shop in cheaper stores either and even if I bought the items for a few pounds, I still expect that item to last as if I had paid the original/top price for it. Saying that I sometimes buy certain goods for 50% off or 30% off but very rare and those are what I call treats. Don’t ever pay full price. These items cost a fraction to manufacture. At 70% off, the stores are still making a profit.
You already admitted that you have more than enough shoes, bags and clothes. SELL, SELL, SELL. Amongst friends, on Ebay, Tictail.com, Gumtree, etc etc. Find a way of selling these items. Keep some for yourself of course but my dear be realistic with how many shoes/bags you need. You only wear one at a time anyway. If you drive a petrol guzzler, you don’t need it. Sell it off. You will pay far less on Road tax, petrol, insurance when you buy a smaller car. I drive a 12 year old A Class. It works perfectly. I only need my car 3 days of the week to pick my daughter from nursery, (5 minutes drive). My husband drives a Brand new S-Max. If I need to look good where I’m going, I drive his car. If I’m running errands in the neighbourhood, I drive mine. It’s a win win situation. I take trains to and from work everyday so I can’t justify why we both must ‘show them’ by driving two ‘nice cars’
Stop hiding the details (truth!) from your husband. Lay it bare on the table and ask him for help. Let him take control of your finances.
Pray to God for help to give more self control. It’s not easy being an ‘addict’ or in your case a shopaholic. God help us all but you also need to take some responsibilities for your actions.

everything is discipline… I ve schooled my self in such a way that the only reason i will ever borrow money is to buy food(thank God that has not happened). drawing up a monthly budget will also help u to know how much u can afford to spend on clothes and shoes..

Oh hi, I’m a lawyer too.
I totally support Ready.
If you don’t check it already, your husband will leave you with your fancy clothes, shoes and bags. Of what use will they be if you’re alone and sad? And those friends? they’ll leave sooner than later.
I have a savings plan that works for me. It’s just like Ready’s plan.
Before the money comes, I divide it into many parts– tithe, alms, savings, transportation, feeding, etc (the necessaries). I also allocate a minimal percentage to buying something nice for myself. You apparently do not need that (at least for the next 6months, when you should start using coupons. Try dealdey.com or konga.com).
Your savings would depend on how much you earn. Calculate a percentage that is reasonable to save after deducting all the necessary expenses.
Also, calculate a percentage for INVESTMENT. You shouldn’t just save up all your money and get it back in the same amount when you need it. Invest some of it into something that would yield you extra profit. This profit is not for spending. You can further develop a plan with your husband to invest it into your children’s welfare.
DISCIPLINE YOURSELF. ALL THE NICE STUFF WE’VE SAID WILL NOT MAKE MEANING IF YOU ARE NOT DISCIPLINED. LET YOUR HUSBAND HELP YOU IN THIS NEW PLAN. YOU CAN’T DO IT ALONE AND HE’S CURRENTLY THE BEST PERSON YOU CAN TRUST- HE HAS YOUR INTEREST AT HEART.
CHEERS!

the problem with most girls these days is big eye. infact not just girls boys too. i know too many girls who sleeping around cause they want to look and be like kim kardashian. they want to have it all. and be able to afford the 30k louboutins(idunno why i would fuck for fake loubs i wouldnt even fuck for real loubs). i just think its pure stupidity. the first thing im going to teach my kids is how to be contented with what they have.

growing up i always wondered why my mother never let me share her clothes or borrow from people. i only started sharing my sisters thingss at 15. before then she would say if the ones i have arent enough for me then i should go naked. i thought she was cruel and wicked and all but as i grew older i came to realise that she wanted us to be contented with whatever we had. now she allows me borrow her shoes and bags once in a while cause she knows now that i understand the principle of being contended with what i have. infact she offers to give me her bag to carry on specific occasions.
everyday i thank God for a mother like her cause she brought me up to know that if i cant afford something now it doesnt matter i can work hard and afford it in the future. life is in phases. there are no short cuts in life. people need to know that. u see teenagers who are already used to borrowing their siblings clothes, begging for money to be able to buy expensive things. depending on their elder siblings to help them purchase things they cant afford and then i begin to wonder how their mothers raised them(im not saying older siblings cant buy stuff for their younger ones but theres a limit to it). its one thing to tell a child to be contented with what they have. its another thing to practice it. u may tell ur child to be contended with what they have but if they see that u are not contented they would do what u do. not what u say. so please parents lead by example.

i also feel parents have to look at the friends their kids keep. if ur kids have friends who are always out to intentionally oppress them and that child now doesnt have a mind of his own. its only a matter of time before he/she starts doing whatever he can to stop being oppressed by his so called “friend”

To be honest, I think you already know what to do, even though you appear to be asking for help. People can give you practical solutions about self-help books and saving strategies from now till Kingdom come, but like an addiction, you have to be the one to make the decision. Even with threats from your husband you will continue to justify anything you do until YOU decide to prioritize your needs accordingly, Good luck and I hope you get there soon.

clothes get torn, leather starts chaffing.. i had to sew my gowns, blouse, tops and skirts when i discovered i was paying too much money for them ready-mades.. i thank God for mummy abayomi(my tailor).. i use to tell people that i’d rather buy gold than wear designers clothes and shoes and and all this gadgets. atleast i can sell my gold if i am broke

In the past I have been tormented by the big eye monster too. A few tips on how I deal with it:
1) You don’t have to buy everyone’s aso ebi. Personally I don’t buy aso ebi (this offends some people, so what I do is opt for a cheaper alternative such as a fascinator – if it’s available, as opposed to buying lace). I don’t plan to have aso ebi when I get married, so that shouldn’t be an issue
2) I buy a weave once a year. I realized it’s actually cheaper in the long run investing in good quality human hair which can be reused, instead of being penny wise pound foolish. My oldest weave was bought in 2009. If you get tired of them, you can always tint or highlight.I I have gone natural now, so I don’t spend that much on hair.
3) When I go to the mall i only enter the clothes stores when I am extremely broke. That way I don’t get tempted to buy anything, and by the time I have the money, I’ve usually gotten over the urge. One should only do this where you have a reasonable level of self control, otherwise you’ll be back to the store when you have the money.
4) I take breakfast and lunch to work. I pack a small sandwich in the morning and I have a proper meal for lunch. The only downside to this is that I need to get up early but that’s not an issue.
5) When I go grocery shopping I always make a list, so i don’t get carried away.
6) I try to save about a 3rd of my salary each month.
7) I make a list of things I need before I go abroad on holiday and though I may tweak it a bit due to my insect eye, it helps to have a plan. I also don’t believe I have to shop on every trip, so although I may buy a few things, I don’t go all out.
8) Periodically I give out clothing I haven’t worn in a while.
9) I avoid those colleagues who “have shoes and bags for sale” like a plague.I don’t even look at what they have. When I’m walking into the carpark and I see them huddled behind the boot of some car, I walk the other way!