The End Of Men

Is It Really The End Of Men?

I know when I was in college, I was probably more settled down and focused when I had a boyfriend than when I was in the hookup scene.That’s a good point. Maybe what women want, it’s not necessarily the hookup culture; it’s the option to not be permanently tied down. So if you could create a world in which you could have a serial monogamist boyfriend who you were sure would not derail you and force you to move to a city you didn’t want to but you could have each one for a year at a time, that would be ideal. People are feeling their freedom and their raunch, but it doesn’t feel like it’s the place we want to end up.

Is this really what women want, though? You say that in hookup culture, women are able to focus on their studies and careers. But one of the women you interviewed says she wishes some guy would just take her out for a frozen yogurt.Girls complain about it, but they wouldn't have it any other way. Women need for it to be this way so they can establish their careers. But... that’s why the need for human connection is stronger than any other thing and where they are now is not where they’ll end up.

What can men do to feel empowered if their career is failing or on hold? What did you see some of the men you interviewed doing to not only help themselves but help their relationships?At first it was forced upon them, where they were home, let’s say with the kids, or had to go to school or do things that were really against their nature. And then, over time, it took on a kind of dignity, dealing with the children.

For the younger guys, there’s sort of solidarity in the fact that a lot of people have a hard time when they leave school now and are living with their parents or are not in a steady job that’s going to immediately lead to a career. I think the fact that that’s a fairly common situation for young men might make it a little easier to bear.

Insofar as you can think of that [unemployment] as not a stain on your manhood but just kind of like a universal condition of young people today who have a hard time establishing themselves in their career, then it becomes less of a source of deep shame. You’re a guy out of work, trying to figure yourself out — just like lots of other people. If you remove — or allow yourself to remove — that breadwinner urgency, then it becomes a lot easier.

We do kind of think it’s more acceptable for women to drift a little bit than we do for men, so there’s a lot more anxiety for men who are drifting. They feel like they’re somehow betraying their manhood, but just stop yourself short at, "This sucks that I can’t get a job," and not at, "I am betraying my manhood and this is a source of great shame."

It shouldn’t be a source of great shame. Don’t make it bigger than it is — you’re having a hard time finding a job like a lot of people today, and it’s not some great tragedy.

So what can a man who has lost his job actually do to help himself?They need to re-accustom themselves to going to school or retraining to be different than they’ve always been. However, I also think that we will destroy men and make them angry if we don’t leave some room for brawn and traditionally manly virtues to be important. So, for example, when people talk about remaking the manufacturing economy, they don’t just talk about making all those guys become nurses. They also talk about artisan manufacturing, specialized manufacturing. Both of these things add an element of intellect and creativity into old manufacturing. The other thing they talk about is high-tech manufacturing. It’s still manufacturing jobs that feel like a fraternity and manly, but it requires you to get some engineering training or go to a sophisticated community college and learn about the new ways and machines used in factories. So it’s like you’re meeting the new economy halfway. It’s still manufacturing — it’s still working with your hands, and it still feels manly — but it’s halfway toward the new world.