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Hello, Internet, would you like to know the thing I'm most ashamed of?
I. do. not. want. to. write. this.
The guilt is too heavy, and the pain, inexpressible. But beautiful things have come from it, and I don't think I can properly convey the affect without first explaining the cause...I've been trying to write this for over two years. So here it goes.

My sister and I were temporarily estranged for almost two years, not by choice on either of our parts. One day, I couldn't take it anymore, so I messaged her privately through Facebook to see how she was doing. She wrote that she believed she had overcome some major struggles that were holding her hostage emotionally. She had let them go, she said. She knew it wasn't within her control, she was not able to fix it, and she understood that now. So she was doing actually pretty great!
Then she casually threw in the fact that she tried to kill herself, but her husband had stopped it.

What?

...What?

I didn't know anything about suicide. I didn't now anything about anything. I didn't even know if she was telling the truth. How could she be? If it were true, how could she say it so flippantly? (A question I had asked myself about her many times in the past. It was just her way of hiding the depth of a painful statement.)

So what is this awful, shameful thing I did? Nothing. I did nothing. I said nothing. I wrote back and said: "It's going to take me a few days to know how to respond to that." And then,
I.
NEVER.
RESPONDED.

Oh you guys, it's true. And there isn't anything I can say to justify myself. I didn't know what to say at all, and then, the truth-the horrible, disgusting, filthy truth-is that I sort of forgot. I got distracted by my selfish life...How...how...could anyone be so self-centered, so unfathomably uncaring?? I should have dropped everything. I should have RAN out of my house and drove the 3 hours to hers, and hugged her and hugged her and hugged her and never let go. I should have begged her to never think of it again, I should have SCREAMED that I loved her at the top of my lungs until she couldn't hear it anymore. But I did nothing, and I said nothing, and I think that's all she needed to hear to give up.
I NEVER SAW HER AGAIN.

We started talking fairly regularly shortly after that...but I never brought up what she told me. And a few months later, she jumped off a bridge, and she was gone forever.

You know, the more I think about it, our entire childhood was me not saying something. Our family didn't really say "I love you much", though it was shown in many ways. And as the little sister, I saw many sneaky things that my sister did, (she was a very gifted sneaker) and I never said anything. I was too afraid. But she needed to get caught, and she needed somebody to say something. Her whole life, that's what she needed. About a month before she died, I heard that song, "Say Something" by A Great Big World, and I was listening to it nonstop. I remember telling someone how weird it was that I couldn't really relate to the message, but the song called to me so strongly. Oh how I wish I had made the connection, but I was too selfish, too caught up in my own pathetic little trials that were going on in my own life.

So the beautiful part. In all things, God works for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:28) and I do love him. He turns hideous into beautiful, if you're willing. He has patiently waited for me to become wiser, and through my life and my thoughts, He has sort of put his hand on my shoulder and gently told me: "Now. Say something." And a girl with a deep-rooted disdain for controversy, and fear of saying the wrong thing, has learned to (almost) fearlessly speak truth. Not the: "That dress looks bad on you." truth, but the life-giving, meaningful, necessary truth. I'm not perfect at it now, but I'm so different from what I was.

So please, PLEASE. if you take anything from this post, please let it be this: say something.
If someone is hurting, say something.
If you love someone, say something.
If you even just like them a little, say something.
If a stranger has nice hair, say something.
If your cashier has a cool name, say something.
If someone is homeless, look at them, and say something.
If you like someone's shirt, say something.
If someone has a pretty voice, say something.
If you're proud of someone, say something.
If someone is becoming weaker spiritually, say something.
If a teenager posts something weird on social media, say something.
If you see someone being sneaky, say something.
If someone doesn't know about God, say something.
Because God has blessed you, say something.

And it doesn't matter if they think you're weird. And it doesn't matter if people think you're flirting. And it doesn't matter if it's "none of your business". It doesn't matter if it's not socially acceptable. Make it socially acceptable. The closer I get to God's light, the more repulsively dark the world looks when I glance back over my shoulder. It is full of death, so speak life into it!! If any thought in your heart is kind, then let it out immediately!! Don't second-guess. Just say it. Every time. It's not weird. It's actually how things were supposed to be.

I love you,

-Disney

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue..." (Proverbs 18:21)

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Comments

I read the message this morning. It was powerful and timely. As Christians we need to be careful to not let regret, or shame, or guilt have a negative power over our thoughts and actions. Christians have been freed, not only from sin, but from the feelings of regret, shame, and guilt than keep us looking backwards rather than forward. I think of Paul and all of the shame and regret that he must have had for all of his actions in his life as Saul the Persecutor. Yet he was driven by his past to move the gospel forward. We are no longer slaves to sin, but we have become slaves to righteousness (Romans 6:18). Mercy, grace, and redemption have freed us from the regret and guilt and same of the past. God wants us to do what Paul did and what you have done, Disney - He wants us to use the memories of those feelings to move forward, to help others, and to spread the word of our Father's love and the grace that obedience to the gospel brings us all. Bless you for being an example to many. Now that you have found your voice in this truth, you can heal through helping others. Isn't that what the greatest commandment asks us to do? I am praying for you. <3

Disney, I often think of your sister and how her death has affected you. Unfortunately people who suicide often aren't thinking straight enough to realise what they will be leaving behind with family and friends wondering what they should have done to prevent it happening. I just pray that the Lord will give you peace in your heart. Big hugs.

Disney, When someone says they want or tried to kill themselves, we are not taught how to respond or react. What she did was not your fault or something you could have stopped. Sometimes people are so sick that they stop focusing or hearing the people around them and can only focus on their pain.

Even after an involuntary commitment, they lie to those around them while planning a next attempt. They are really sick people, and they just don't see another way. I hope that while you have regrets, you don't think you could have fixed her.

I agree with everything you said in your post, and everyone should do everything they can to show sick people love, but know in your heart that you may not have been able to save her from herself no matter what.

Your words penetrate my heart, and the pain is familiar. I lost a friend last month to suicide also, and the same thoughts have flooded my mind. I don't have answers, but I know we must give ourselves grace as Jesus has. Praying for you, sweet Disney. I so appreciate your honesty and hope He will give you peace.Hugs!

I visit your blog once in a while just to know how you are. I love how honest and your aesthetics are from the heart. Your post gave the song Say Something a whole new meaning to me. I can't get that one out of my mind now. I did have suicidal thoughts when I was younger. And I get depress often. One thing though is when I get depress I don't want people to know that I feel that way. But if someone tells me my life is OK and I am doing the right, then somehow those suicidal thoughts disappear. Thank you for this post - I will totally Say Something nice to someone 'cuz it might just be the one thing to save a soul.