Category: Pakistan

Maulana Fazlur Rahman, chief of his eponymous faction of the Jamiat Ulema Islam-Fazl, has announced his jihad for the liberation of Pakistan from accountability.

The Maulana has gotten himself invited by his ideal anchor Saleem Safi on his GeoTV program “Jirga with Saleem Safi.”

The Maulana starts, even before Safi could utter his formal introduction, “My dear Saleem, you and only you know how bad it has been since Imran Khan has taken over. Almost five months without diesel permits.

“Ah, those were the days when long lines used to form at the gate of my ministerial mansion in Islamabad… people requesting to buy those permits. I would accept any intercession… no my friend. It is not lawful to favor anyone out of turn. I always got a bidding done. The best price won the bid.

“Yes, Saleem, this is my story. But I have called today to discuss the dismal situation faced by the country.

“God be praised that one dark period in our history is ending on January 17th… we are finally seeing the back of this [chief justice] Saqib Nisar. But… but, I keep hearing that this Asif Saeed Khosa is no better. I even heard things like he has the courage to do justice. You know how such news turn your head.

“But my dear Saleem, I fear that these pharma companies may be behind spreading such stories. They are heartless. They simply want to increase the incidence of blood pressure problems so they can sell more of their medicines!

“OK… Saleem, let me tell you that I never give up. You know how my brother Asif [Zardari] refused to support me for the presidency, only because he thinks that Aitzaz [Ahsan] speaks better English than me. But I can sacrifice anything for unity to free the nation from this accountability.

“My dear Saleem, I visited with my brother Asif for a full half an hour… this was my second meeting with him in less than 24 hours. You know how valuable his time is… he has to manage an international portfolio. I told him that I want to bring both my brothers together, him and Nawaz.”

Safi asks, “My respected Sir… Maulana, but you know that your other brother Nawaz Sharif [perpetual head of his eponymous faction of the Pakistan Muslim League] is not too happy with your brother Asif because he opposed him and got Sanjrani elected as Senate chairman.”

The Maulana is quick to offer, “I know Saleem. But you know, my poor brother Nawaz is suffering. I am told that they are making him clean his own room and confinement area. Some say that they even make him clean his own toilet. Imagine a person who has only lived in palaces!

“You know when I told my brother Asif, he started crying. You know that both he and his little boy Bilawal are on exit control. He said that in the current condition, all complaints should be put aside, and all opposition parties should sit together and carve out a strategy.

“You know everyone agrees… everyone knows about it. Even [information minister] Fawad Chaudhry said that our joint party would be called ARC [the Alliance for Restoration of Corruption].

“You too agree Saleem that restoring corruption is very important. See everyone is scared. Money is gushing out of the country. No one is ready to invest because they don’t know when their own files will be opened. Everyone is concerned about the safety of their money.

“Now I am going to meet with my brother Nawaz… I am on a mission… he understands the urgency of the situation. Only the other day, [former railway minister] Khawaja Saad Rafique was saying that people who have brought Imran Khan’s government are now regretting it. He said that the country has been handed over to incompetent the people. It is nearly five months! In lesser time, both my brothers, Nawaz and Asif would have assigned a few hundred thousand acres of prime land to developers like Malik Riaz.

“You know both my brothers have the gift of finding their way out between the heaps of undeniable evidences against them.

“My dear Saleem, you saw that one article by this retired professor Pervez Hoodbhoy, who has never supported Imran Khan, led to the destruction of so many beautiful houses just because they were located on land owned by the that man’s former university. This is heartless. This development even had a Nayyar Bukhari Road… the Peoples Party senator. Not even the consideration that the great hero of Pakistan Benazir Bhutto had looked aside when they were building there.

“Yes, I will go and tell my brother Nawaz that it is fine that he was hurt by the Sanjrani election, but again what is self-respect compared to money! You tell me.

“I have to explain to him that if we don’t act now we would all be together in prison.

“I am sure he will understand. He has seen his child, his Maryam suffer in jail. He would certainly listen to me. He would not want to see a child without a mother, Bilawal, cleaning bathrooms in jail.

“Of course, he will also understand my pain of living without diesel permits.

“Yes, my dear Saleem, we will work together, we cannot live without our money no matter what. This all what matters… our money. No problem if we pull Pakistan under.”

It is election year in India and prime minister Narendra Modi is not in a mood for anything jarring. He already has had a meltdown when Bangladesh prime minister Sheikh Hasina Wajid and her National Awami Party, fell a trifle short of the one hundred percent parliamentary majority that he had desired for them.

Earlier he had summoned foreign minister Sushma Swaraj, defense minister Nirmala Sitharaman, interior minister Rajnath Singh, chief of the army staff General Bipin Rawat, and intelligence chief Anil Dhasmana for a meeting on this affair.

Following President Donald Trump’s comments mocking India for funding a library in Afghanistan, while stating that he wants a “great relationship” with Pakistan and is looking forward to meeting the country’s new leadership, an angered Modi called back the same group for another discussion.

His glass of his favorite beverage, gao mutra (cow urine), has had its third refill.

The prime minister growls, “This is what you get for $3 billion [in development assistance to Afghanistan]… and a taunt that it is equal to what America spends in five hours! What nonsense. They don’t have engineers and scientists. Our Indians are running their technology… Satya Nadella is running Microsoft… Sundar Pichai runs Google… I mean we are running ten of their global technology giants… and Trump says who is using our libraries in Afghanistan.

“Sushma, this is your area, now before the elections, Trump has created another hurdle for us… he wants to meet Imran Khan.

“No Sushma, not just that, but Anil, you too… why did Trump had to get Imran Khan’s help to have peace talks with the Taliban? Where does our $3 billion figure? What were your people doing in Afghanistan, Anil what were they up to? They couldn’t be eating kababs… our mother, the cow.

“Sushma, we have to ask [Indian ambassador] Navtej Sarna what he is doing in Washington, D.C.? Why [Secretary of State Mike] Pompeo was not told that India plays a significant role as a development partner in Afghanistan with projects aimed at achieving a tangible improvement in the lives of its people. What has Pakistan done?

“I am very worried if Trump invites Imran Khan before our elections, it will be bad. You know how we love cricket in India and Imran goes to Washington, D.C., and the Indians will be glued to their TV sets as if Imran Khan has gone to play cricket with Trump.

“It was going so smoothly for us. Trump not only cut Pakistan’s $1.3 billion aid but also scolded them that they haven’t been fair to America. Not only that, don’t you remember that he also said that they had foolishly given Pakistan more than 33 billion dollars in aid over the last 15 years?

“Yes, this was all my effort. When I met with Trump, I constantly kept telling him that I have built a library in Afghanistan. Imagine the positive effect all our Indian romance novels are having on Afghan minds. And now this Trump turns around and tells us, ‘Oh, thank you for the library. I don´t know who´s using it in Afghanistan’.

“Sushma, we have to do something to stop American advances toward Pakistan.”

Interior minister Rajnath Singh quickly states, “Our dear Pradhan Mantri… our prime minister… may your reign over India forever. I am equally concerned over this American move. You see that Trump wants to get out of Afghanistan so he can use the savings to do his beloved project, the wall with Mexico. He can go any length for it. I tell you the moment Trump settles with the Taliban, Imran Khan will call him, hey Donald, I helped you with the Taliban, now you help me with Kashmir.”

Modi, nearly falling out of his seat, hurriedly returns his glass of gao mutra to the table, and calls the attention of the chief of the army staff General Bipin Rawat, “Bipin, yes, but Sushma first, Sushma, we need to remind Trump about our $250 billion plan to modernize our military. Yes, now Bipin, how much more arms we can buy from Trump? We will meet tomorrow and you come up with the numbers, India cannot allow Trump to invite Imran Khan.”

Both advisors trained at Erik Prince’s Academi, the security company formerly called Blackwater USA… who is brother of U.S. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos.

The prince is visibly angered after learning that while Netflix took down offending episode of “Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj” in Saudi Arabia but people were able to watch it on YouTube.

The prince growls, “Dabae and Jihaz did you see what these double-crossing Netflix people did? They only blocked it in our kingdom! They even did not block it on YouTube. I need to remind them that they are… I mean teach this Pakistani or Indian or whatever… this Hasan [Minhaj] is that no one can say word against me.”

Aldhiyb submits, “Your Royal Highness, indeed what Netflix has done is terrible. But why did they hire this TCN [third country national]… couldn’t they find any Americans!

“Your Royal Highness, we should invite these Netflix people to show them how we handle these TCNs. Our labor housing is the best for these no good people.”

Thaelab offers, “Your Royal Highness, I would venture to propose that His Excellency Abdullah Alswaha [minister of communication and information technology] should ask the Americans to extradite this Pakistani… this pest who is calling himself an American… so we can try him under our cybercrime law. Doesn’t this pest know where is [human rights defender] Mohammed al-Otaibi… resting in jail for 14 years!

“Did you see the tweet this little Pakistani was doing that ‘Clearly, the best way to stop people from watching something is to ban it, make it trend online, and then leave it up on YouTube.’”

MBS, bangs the table hard, and whispers, “I wish our dearest Abu Ivanka [President Trump] was in a better situation. What asking him… he would have shipped this little pest to Riyadh even without my asking.

“Both of you have trained with my brother Erik [Prince] and you know America. You know what reports we are getting that Abu Ivanka’s supporters are saying that they have no idea who this person is or have even heard of his show. They are even calling people who want to close their Netflix account with their outrage a bunch of snowflakes.

“You know we are moving in the right direction over this Jamal [Khashoggi] thing.

The trial will get the 11 people involved in the project out of the way… heads gone!

“And our multibillion dollar arms order is doing the talking. God bless, our Abu Ivanka has shut up his own CIA… his own party’s senators, and everyone.

“We need to get Netflix to learn… when we asked them to drop it, they should have killed that episode instead of this partial thing. I am going to double the royalty that they are getting from us. That is surely going to put their heads in the right place.

“Everything is going smoothly. Now Dabae and Jihaz we need to get this little Pakistani off the map… he did not exist! He can do his act in hell!”

Aldhiyb speaks, “Your Royal Highness, as you have seen our consulate in Istanbul has mastered this art… Jamal is not even hot air!”

MBS, finally a smile on his face, asks, “Dabae, you are saying we give him the Jamal treatment… may be a barbecue for this pest. Why waste any acid on him.”

Aldhiyb speaks again, “Your Royal Highness, I am saying that our Istanbul consulate has done it and they know how to do things.”

Thaelab offers, “Your Royal Highness, my brother Dabae has the right idea. But I fear that this little Pakistani or whatever he is may balk at the idea of visiting our consulate in Istanbul.

“Your Royal Highness, I would humbly suggest we use our resources. We can ask our Association for the Protection and Defense of Women’s Rights to invite this man’s mother for umrah…”

MBS intervenes, “What! Really we reward this pest’s mother with a royal umrah trip!”

Thaelab continues, “Your Royal Highness, I have a plan… you know when his mother will go our consulate for visa. They will say that she needs a blood relation male to accompany her… of course her son, this pest! So now when we have him in our kingdom, we can do so many things. I would suggest that we make excellent arrangement for both, the son and the mother.

“Your Royal Highness and my brother Dabae, just envision it…

“We will have a contingent of men there and at the word go, they will cause an accident and you will see that both mother and son will be gone in a couple minutes… say thirty minutes… crushed under the weight of one hundred men. A historic stampede it will be!”

MBS, finally relaxed, lifts his qahwa and getting up from his seat, adds, “The Saudis will get to know that they should give no mind to fake Pakistani patriots.”

The Supreme Court’s unsealing of the findings of JIT [Joint Investigation Team] in the money laundering case involving former president Asif Ali Zardari, who is also co-chairman of the Pakistan Peoples Party, and his associates has caused a stir in the party.

The report has revealed that more than a handful of people were involved in this massive scheme.

Zardari, who has several bulging ashtrays in front of him, looks nervous. He starts the proceedings, “Farooq [Naek] and Aitizaz [Ahsan] have failed the true heirs of our immortal leaders Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and our queen, Benazir. Why did you let the chief justice set up this JIT? Don’t you see what happened to [former prime minister] Nawaz Sharif?

“I wish instead of these lawyers, I had recruited [Senator] Mushahid Hussain. He would have fixed this chief justice. Experience matters. Mushahid has the credentials [in attacking the Supreme Court in 1997].

“It is simply horrible, not just Faryal and I but also my child… my Bilawal has been implicated.

“All of you are thankless! Ah, at least, you could have followed the courage of Yousaf Raza [Gillani]… how he valiantly blocked the reach into my Swiss accounts.

“Farooq, you even could not save your wife, your son… all these are dragging me in to the pit. And indeed you, Farooq with all the Sindh government litigation contracts… this will drag our Murad along too… he was finance minister there, and now chief minister…

“And even our beloved Qaim Shah is being dragged… it is another excuse to drag me along.

“As Bilawal said they are even mentioning goats and breakfasts. Did I eat the meat of the goats that were sacrificed for me at the President’s House? Isn’t giving meat for free public welfare? Shouldn’t it come from public funds?

“Aitzaz, you, yes, you Aitzaz… now that Imran Khan has put his man at the PCB [Pakistan Cricket Board], he will get NAB [National Accountability Bureau] digging there too… they will try to grab you through your wife… why Bushra was made chairperson of PCB Women’s Wing… digging accounts of the perks… yes, and yes… again, I will be dragged in too.

“I mean Farooq and Aitzaz, you didn’t even prevent the order for putting me and our people on the no-fly list.

“And here… you… Sherry… I am told that Twitter is alive with the mention about your [husband] Nadeem’s banking thing… again it will end up at my doorstep.

“Faryal, Bilawal, Bakhtawar and Aseefa you know I am a fighter.

“What… do they think that I am a cat that I have seven lives that they can jail me for so many years for each of the accusations?

“At least, I see some compassion. They let Nawaz go to the jail in Lahore… surely he will be getting his favorite foods three times a day.

“Farooq and Aitzaz, I tell you if we all get netted, you should use the Nawaz jail choice as precedent and get all of us locked up in the same facility. Also, both of you start drafting the constitution of the Pakistan Peoples Party Behind Bars… we will call it PPP-BB. The public will think that it is the Benazir Bhutto wing of our party that we are keeping alive even in jail.

“Sherry, I must say that you expertly launched the victimization card. And you bravely warned them that we will not stand down with our hands folded under the pressure of accountability.

“I too will fight (he mumbles to himself)… all of us should be ready to fight. You know how I gave it to the army in June 2015 and then went to Dubai? I will fight again…”

Finally Aitzaz whispers, “My exalted and beloved leader but now you are on the no-fly list.”

Zardari thunders “Yes… and yes… and yes, I know. Aitzaz, we have to find a way… Can’t we get our dear Maulana Fazlur Rahman to issue a decree that it is unlawful to form a JIT? You have to find a way … just tell them that Asif Zardari cannot be parted from all what he has collected.”

Pakistan People’s Party-Parliamentarians President Asif Ali Zardari held a family meeting to discuss the JIT [Joint Investigation Team] focusing on him and his sister, Faryal Talpur, and the recent most summonses to him and his son, Bilawal.

Zardari, who has a few overloaded ashtrays in front of him, a somber mood, and nary a forced smile, starts the discussion, “You all know why people say ek zardari, sub pur bhari (Zardari conquers all singlehandedly). You all know that we are being… I mean this awful trio of Imran Khan, not even fit to captain an Under-15 team, this cheap justice [Saqib Nisar] and their big buddy, [Gen. Qamar Javed] Bajwa… are trying all these tricks against us…

“Faryal, your passport is with them. Bilawal, you have been dragged into this… sheer blasphemy… I say it is sheer blasphemy to question the progeny of our immortal martyrs, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and you mother [Benazir].

“I am sure they will try to block my… our travel. Look what they did with Hamza [Shahbaz].

“You know, I told them that the jail is my second home [he guffaws] and I have all the medical papers to be driven to PIMS [the country’s premier research-intensive medical university, the Pakistan Institute of Medical Sciences]. My worry is you, Faryal, my baby, Bilawal, God forbid if they ever get hands on you.

“You know, my children there is nothing madness in what your father does. You recall that three years ago [2015], I delivered a hard-hitting speech, reminding the military not to overstep its domain. I told them that army chiefs come and go every three years but the political leadership was here to stay. I also reminded them that we know the country better and we know how to run its affairs.

“This said and the next day, I flew out of the country and spent 18 months in Dubai.”

The youngest Aseefa asks, “But they have even summoned our crown prince…”

Bilawal interjects, “No Aseefa, I am not the crown prince, I am the ruler apparent… in our Shia faith we have the hidden imam… I am that hidden ruler… Imran Khan is not just selected but also in fact the selected imposter. Only our grandpa’s progeny are the legitimate rulers of Pakistan. Let facts talk… our grandpa founded Pakistan on December 16,1971 [surrender of East Pakistan].”

Zardari hugs his son tightly, kisses him profusely and continues, “My son has spoken like a true Bhutto, and people criticize me for adding Bhutto to your names. “December should be celebrated instead of crying for East Pakistan… December 16, Bhuttoism came to shine… came to glory!

“So now you understand that why I warned the three stooges… Imran, Saqib Nisar and Bajwa. We own Pakistan.

“I have warned them against our character assassination. If you do not stop, I will come out with a list of accused generals since Pakistan’s creation.

“You know how I put this Saqib in his right mind that instead of victimizing the true heirs of our immortal martyrs, he should be concerned about the 900,000 cases pending in the judicial system. What right does he have to demolish developments and buildings we allowed… haven’t they paid their dues… haven’t our offshore accounts received them?

“I have warned the three that they should also not try to create hurdles for us, the real politicians.

“Do they forget that rivers of milk and honey were flowing during my tenure? Do they forget how many poor people have been told that they have billions in their bank accounts? Only I know how to run the country!

“We accepted the execution of Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and did not fight against it because we did not want institutions to be weakened. And this is why, we did not go after the killers of your mother.

“I am sure this defeat… our getting Shahbaz Sharif installed as [parliamentary] public accounting committee chair will put Imran’s head in the right direction. At least, Shahbaz cannot even whisper a word against us.”

“Yes, Sindh is ours and our [chief minister] Murad [Ali Shah] is there to ensure that no one gets any files on us, but caution is always the way.

“Now that I have warned the three stooges, Imran, Saqib and Bajwa, we should find a way to Dubai and from there we go to London…”

Aseefa interjects, “Daddy, we should go to our chateau in Normandy… it is always so lovely there.”

Zardari adds, “Yes, my dearest, but first we must get to London while [Theresa] May is still prime minister. She was Benazir’s close friend and will never let us down… once in London… or as Aseefa wants, in our Manoir de la Reine Blanche [Manor of the White Queen, the 16th-century chateau, built for the widow of King Philippe VI], we will launch our radio and television programs on satellite to remind the people of Pakistan… I mean Sindh… that ruling Pakistan is my assigned right.”

Former president and Pakistan People Party (PPP) co-chairman Asif Ali Zardari is an angry mode. The ashtrays are overloaded.

Considering the situation, his lawyers, Farooq Naik and Aitzaz Ahsan are sitting on the floor, heads bowed. Next to them are visibly scared and head bowed Sindh chief minister Murad Ali Shah and advisor to chief minister on information Barrister Murtaza Wahab.

Zardari, with his cigarette affixed to his lips, asks, “Why has Dawn published this news… this Park Lane Estates… that both of us, Bilawal and I have been summoned by the National Accountability Bureau (NAB)? Not just that, the newspaper published that we are wanted for some alleged illegal transfer of forest acreage. Why this hullaballoo? Why… all this exercise for a matters fourteen or so acres. My chateau in France has more acreage!

“But I am asking Murad why Dawn published this news? Why! Have you shrunk their advertising placements?

“Farooq and Aitzaz, now it’s your turn to answer… why are these cases sprouting up? Why all these files were not destroyed… why there was no fire in the record rooms?

“It was really disturbing too see [Nawaz Sharif cabinet railways minister] Khawaja Saad Rafique and his brother Khawaja Salman Rafique arrested in land development cases. I hear that NAB is also investigating their former cabinet colleague, Marriyum Aurangzeb.

“Imran Khan thinks that he can stuff jails with his political opponents and rule. See how the FIA [Federal Investigation Agency] off-loaded [leader of the opposition] Hamza Shehbaz from a Doha-bound flight. Poor chap was going to London to meet up with his brother Salman.

“And what about their father, Shehbaz being locked up. I thought his cancer thing would work, but it seems no. I tell, it is only Asif Ali Zardari who knows how to get ill and remain free from jail.

“Farooq and Aitzaz, why all these money laundering cases have not been shot down… why this JIT [Joint Investigation Team] has not been curtailed.

“I hope you know that Bilawal being summoned is a great hurt to your everlasting leaders, his mother and his grandfather. They have no sense of shame going after a child. Neither Bilawal, nor his sisters have ever asked how much and where their funds are growing.

“Farooq and Aitzaz, I am very much concerned that after the Supreme Court pronounces their judgment in the Nawaz case last week of December and then you will see Imran Khan will charge against us.

“I don’t like the tenor of things. Farooq, Aitzaz, Murad and Murtaza it is time that you go full speed to make people understand that whatever they are doing or growing… but I own Pakistan.

The Supreme Court ordered clearance of illegal construction, especially on public lands, has also caused a stir in the Zardari camp.

President Asif Zardari, co-chairman of the Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) has summoned Sind chief minister Murad Ali Shah and Saeed Ghani the provincial minister of local bodies and Katchi Abadis (illegal townships) to discuss the situation.

Zardari starts the conversation, “To an extent this anti-encroachments drive is a blessing for us. First, the people are thinking that this is an initiative of Imran Khan. I heard that everyone in Karachi is cursing him. We should build on it.

“The important thing that I was to discuss with both of you today is the fact that there is need to adjust the evicted shopkeepers at alternate sites… naturally this will generate expenditures. I want you to make sure that nothing goes out without our due share.

“But I have my reservations which I will share as we proceed.

“I see Wasim Akhtar [mayor of Karachi] trying to cozy up to Imran Khan. What does he mean by saying that all past set-ups including ones dominated by his party did not serve the city well. Not only that he talked about the inadequate water supply, poor sewage system and the lack of adequate public transport.

“I heard that he even said that Imran’s PTI [Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf] government genuinely wants to improve the city and its physical and social infrastructure.

“I can see it, in this election, PTI grabbed 13 of Karachi’s 21 seats in the National Assembly, and Wasim’s just managed to win 4 seats.

“Murad, you have to send a strong signal that his party may be in coalition with Imran Khan in the federal government but he should know that Sindh belongs to me.

“”I tell you that this Imran Khan fever is not good. Tomorrow he might start saying that all those who allowed them in the first place to build these structures must be jailed. Already, I heard that he said illegal acquisition and trespassing couldn’t be condoned, and that we will have to live and work by the law.

“OK, fine, PTI may have won 13 seats, but they don’t understand the city enough to actualize their intentions.

“Sindh is ours. We cannot allow this moralizing to continue. What if tomorrow they ask can anyone get back the encroached land from Bilawal House?

“Murad… Saeed… can you see the consequences of the anti-encroachment drive? People will be reminded that an encroached property can come down anytime. And people will know the consequences of stealing public land.

“We have to ensure that such realization never not take place. This obedience of law is a mortal threat to our party.

“Murad if this allowed to happen then people will demand that all those KMC [Karachi Municipal Council] and KDA [Karachi Development Authority] officials should be identified who were collecting from affected business owners and they should be made to pay back all the money collected by them and more as punitive damages. This will be most unhealthy. Then which official will work with us?

“These anti-corruption, anti-encroachment, and anti-money laundering drives have dangerous portents. They will end up in the restoration of respect and fear of law.

“Murad… Saeed, it is of utmost importance that we should oppose this anti-encroachment drive because soon people will ask that this drive should be done across the board and the bulldozers should head towards the affluent areas as well… I mean your properties… and ours… Bilawal House …

“I know with all this NAB [National Accountability Bureau] thing… everyone is jealous that I gave momentary joy to so many with big bank accounts. We cannot allow the people to think that laws should be followed. We cannot create a mindset that rulers are not law unto themselves. Remember that the rule of law is a conspiracy against Bhuttoism.”