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Good-bye, cruel world

Seein’ as how the world is gonna end later this afternoon, I thought I might say my good-byes. I’ve been very busy getting my affairs in order, not that that matters if the entire world is about to be destroyed, but it has given me something to do.

Now, you all know I’m not the religious sort, but this guy Harold Camping seems to believe that a bunch of earthquakes are going to kill us all later this afternoon. And he’s convinced a bunch more people that it’s true. Maybe it’s something about being almost 90, like Harold, that gives one the appearance they actually know what they’re talking about.

Or maybe it’s just his millions of dollars and nationwide radio network. That or his eerie resemblance to Mr. Burns on The Simpsons.

Not one to take idle chances, it seemed to me prudent to get my act together, and — just in case — say a fond farewell to this old world.

OK, I don’t believe for a minute anything’s going to happen. If it’s going to happen, it’ll be on December 21, 2012, and besides, Camping has gotten it wrong before. You may have noticed that the world didn’t end on September 6, 1994, the last time old Harold said it was gonna happen. But this time, he says, he’s got it right. There was just too much about the bible he didn’t understand last go ’round, which is why he says he fucked up the prediction.

Not this time, though. This time he’s done some wicked computation and come up with the exact date and time, because, you know, exact dates and times were really in back 2,000 years ago when the words and numbers he based his calculations on were written.

Harold’s not the first to predict the end of the world, and he likely won’t be the last. Early Christians were certain the end was just around the corner after reading Revelation, the same biblical tome that supposedly predicts the end of the world for today.

But y’know, I’m thinking the Mayans were probably a little more up on their calculations than the early Christians, or Camping for that matter. They actually have a calendar — you know, one of those things that keeps track of days and such. The bible, unfortunately, is woefully short on that sort of thing. I just don’t recall it saying that the babe in the manger was born on December 25, y’know? There wasn’t even a Jewish calendar date, which would be what they were going by, and it’s based on the movements of the moon.

But just in case we aren’t here tomorrow, I’ll sure be glad not to have to listen to the right wing whackos anymore. I’m fairly certain we won’t be in the same place after we die, no matter what after-death system any of us subscribe to. Paul Ryan won’t be able to kill off all the old people by denying them health care because they’re all gonna be dead anyway. Of course, he will too, but that’s a small price to pay for victory, eh?

And finally, an end to all that nonsense in the Middle East. The dictators, the rebels, the Palestinians, the Israelis, the Jews and Muslims will all be dead. It’ll be so damned quiet over there. Sadly, none of us will be around to notice.

And the Mississippi Delta — the floods will go on, but the residents won’t have to worry anymore about their destroyed crops and homes. And since there won’t be any more garbage floating down the river, maybe that big dead zone will come alive again. Unless, of course, the earthquakes knock over all the oil rigs and cause oil spills that will make the BP mess look like a trickle.

Well, at least Wall Street will be gone, which gets me thinkin’ — what was the purpose of all those assholes amassing all that money to begin with? What good’s it gonna do ‘em now?

Maybe, after everything settles down again, some fish will crawl out of the sea, figure out how to walk and start the whole process all over again.

And when sentient beings again populate the earth, maybe they’ll get it right this time.