John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

What is the best way for me to support my daughter-in-law as she grieves over the sudden death of her father?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note.

Yours is an interesting question. Most people in a loving attempt to be of service to grieving friends or family, say and do things that have the opposite affect.

In part, they offer unsolicited advice, which causes the griever to want to run away and hide.

But the biggest issue is that well-meaning, well-intended folks keep wanting the griever to not feel bad. The problem is that feeling bad or feeling sad is the normal—and even healthy—reaction to the death of someone important to us.

You must resist the urge to say things like “Don’t feel bad, he’s in a better place.” Or in the situation with the sudden death, “Don’t feel bad, at least he didn’t suffer a long illness.” Also, please avoid saying “I know how you feel.” Nothing robs dignity from a griever more than that comment.

Another thing you might find helpful is to encourage your daughter-in-law to tell you stories about her dad and about her relationship with him. That may help her a lot as she might be stuck on the end of his life because of the sudden death, and having her talk about her lifetime with him will help her get unstuck from the ending.

Our best guidance to you is to be a “heart with ears.” Don’t analyze, criticize, or judge the griever—and definitely don’t offer unsolicited opinions or advice.