I don’t know if you guys know this, but I’m 1/8th squirrel. In fact, with just a little makeup, I can pass for squirrel. This has granted me unprecedented access to the secret inner workings of squirrel society. And here’s the thing: We should be worried about the squirrels.

We thought that the squirrels were content to frolic and engage in cute shenanigans for our amusement. How wrong we were. While we were pointing and giggling at their cute, fluffy tails, a terrifying, seething anger was growing in the heart of every squirrel. Squirrels are a proud people and being made the butt of a joke is an affront to their stringent system of honour. All actions in squirrel society are conducted under a certain etiquette and with respect to all parties involved.

You may be saying to yourself, “Meh. Squirrels are so tiny, what can they possibly do about their stupid squirrel grievances?” You’re about to eat those words my friend. During my undercover work, I discovered that the squirrel have a very advanced nuclear weapon program and they’re beginning their first bomb tests in the coming weeks.

And there’s nothing we can do to stop the coming nuclear squirrel apocalypse. They’re dead-set on their vengeance and will be laughing at our burning bones from their lead-lined knotholes.

Our only choice is to steal the space ark technology from our nearest galactic neighbours, the Cromulentians. It will make void the Stellar Compassion Treat of 1847, but it’s the only way to ensure the continued survival of our species.