Tag Archives: Hello my name is _____ and I am an addict!

[Buddie]

I live in NV so thought I would try some pot. Being 67 and remembering the great times back when. The good feeling and calmness I felt. Well, not now. I tried it a couple of times and felt wired, with no sense of well-being at all. Never again. How messed up is my body that it doesn’t react at all like a healthy body. My cns is so out of balance. I really feel this is for the rest of my life. 38 months out lots have healed, but my insomnia and fatigue is pretty much holding the same. In a very sad way, I have accepted it finally. Early on really thought I would get a life back. Oh well, tell myself I had 55 or so quite wonderful years. Many have not had that, with or without benzo use. I am grateful for those memories, as that is what gets me through the long lonely days and nights. Hugs to all.😏

Re: So...tried pot
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2017, 03:08:09 pm »

[Buddie]

[Buddie]

Oh, don’t give up now, […]!! I’m 65 and 42 months out. I have to keep telling myself I’m going to make it through this. I don’t want to have my immune system go down for some damned drugs I’ve taken. I tried pot, too, in earlier times. Had wonderful experiences on it before. Especially liked it for exercising. I should have stayed with it instead of being put on a benzo, but at that time I thought “do the right thing” since it was illegal. HAH!! What a crock. Now I don’t feel the same way at all and had to forget about pot. It’s just not the same feeling anymore, unfortunately.

Re: So...tried pot
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2017, 03:15:19 pm »

[Buddie]

If you tried a high THC strain, that’s why. I would suggest trying a high CBD strain instead. I don’t know how long you’ve been off, but high THC would throw many folks into paranoia.

Re: So...tried pot
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2017, 03:45:56 pm »

[Buddie]

That isn’t the pot from your youth. It’s so much stronger. I’d guess that most of the stuff I did in high school (easy 70s) was 5-6% THC (maybe 8% if we got really good stuff). Nowadays, it’s usually 20% or higher, and can approach 30%. You have to take that into account and go super easy on it when you’re first starting (or re-starting).

Much depends on the strain as some have eluded to. Some strains make me all hyper (good for getting things done, but not for calming down). Some mellow me out. Those are the ones I seek to help with sleep. Best relaxing/sedating strain I found so far has a lot of myrcene (a terpene) in it.

Another route, as […] mentioned, was to add some CBD to the mix. A lot of people like strains that are moderate in both THC and CBD. Some use strains that are almost all CBD. So many choices today, so much information. Not like scoring a dime bag of whatever was available (often little better than ditch weed) back in the day.

[Buddie]

About 2 years ago my mom’s whole personality changed. Her OCD symptoms got much worse, she says incredibly rude things she NEVER would’ve said before & her memory has gone down the toilet. Her routines & rituals are set in stone & she won’t deviate from them. She leaves the stove on 2x per month on average now. She started taking Xanax (1mg-2mg per week on average) around the same time her personality changed. The worst memory lapses–such as leaving the stove on & forgetting basic words–always happen the day after she takes her Xanax dose. She’s also excessively tired the day after taking Xanax. Worst of all, she denies any change in her personality & gets defensive even talking about it.

Could using Xanax one night per week be sufficient to affect someone’s mood, cognition & anxiety levels to this degree? She’s had a CT scan of her brain at my insistence to see if there was any sign of previous strokes or other issues, and it came back relatively normal. (Some age-related shrinkage & atherosclerosis). The doctor did not seem concerned about it, though it was an ear/nose/throat doctor rather than a neurologist. She’s 65 w/ no family history of Alzheimer’s but at moderate risk for stroke. She’s lost a good bit of vision & hearing due to age, so it’s hard to tell whether she’s doing things like leaving the stove on because of those impairments or something more sinister.

I’m not asking anyone to definitively diagnose her here; just wanted to see if anyone’s experienced this degree of side effects from low dose, once weekly benzo use. (Personally, if I took a benzo or barbiturate one time per week, that would be sufficient to cause rebound mood/anxiety problems but I don’t know how common that is). My mom absolutely refuses to go to doctors, so that’s out of the question. She swears up and down she doesn’t take Xanax more frequently than 1x per week, which I believe because she’s so regimented & afraid of drug addiction, but she could be taking it more often. I’m at a loss.

OCD runs in our family, as do other mental illnesses. I’m absolutely terrified it’s dementia, which would probably cause me to kill myself or be institutionalized because I could not handle that. Cancer is preferable to dementia. I’m praying it’s the Xanax at this point because the alternatives are so awful.

So-called “Paradoxical” Effects According to Professor Malcolm Lader, 5% of those using benzodiazepines may be affected by so-called “paradoxical” reactions in response to the drugs rather than the desired tranquillising effects. Such reactions include increased aggressiveness (in some individuals even violent behaviour), depression (with or without suicidal thoughts or intentions), and sometimes personality changes.

Paradoxical” side effects occur in all age groups but are more likely to be found in children and in the elderly where they may be fairly frequent yet erroneously diagnosed as various psychiatric disorders. The risk of such reactions is generally greater with short-acting compounds but may occur with all benzodiazepine drugs. It is important to remember that the “paradoxical” reactions can also be encountered in short-term use and, in rare cases, even following the first ingestion of the drug.

Cognitive Side Effects Memory functioning is markedly and measurably impaired, especially the ability to store acquired knowledge into long-term memory. This memory impairment is highly relevant to students. The risk of acute amnesia is more pronounced with short-acting drugs. Ativan (lorazepam), Halcion (triazolam), Xanax (alprazolam) and Rohypnol (flunitrazepam) are especially likely to induce such memory impairment.

[Buddie]

Thank you so much

She’s very regimented due to OCD (which has gotten worse with age/Xanax use). She goes shopping one day per week, so the Xanax is to help her sleep the night before. I’ve seen her take it twice in a week when she had other things to do, so she may be taking it more often than 1x per week.

She has an endless supply obtained from…well, let’s just say this isn’t coming from a doctor. She’s had prescriptions for it in the past & even forged one prescription to have 4 refills instead of zero. So that tells me she’s got some kind of issue right there. But she could’ve just forged it because she hates going to the doctor. Either way, it’s a crime & she could’ve gone to jail for it. But back then she didn’t take Xanax as often as she does now.

I’m very familiar with rebound symptoms like anxiety & low mood, as I get them after a single use of barbiturates, benzos or Ambien. Thanks again for the links & quotes. That gives me some peace of mind. The part about short-acting benzos being even more likely to cause issues is especially comforting. I’ve tried explaining rebound effects to her before, but she doesn’t believe that can really happen even after SEEING what a single dose of benzos does to me the following day. She once became manic from a single dose of Valium too.

Ugh. This is all very frustrating since I now live with her. But if it’s “just” the benzos causing her insanity, that would be a good thing

[Buddie]

wanted to ask you your thoughts about the difference between the benzo’s “withdrawal” damage/injury iatrogenic illness, benzo discontinuation syndrome or whatever you want to call it and opiate addiction? because i know for me that opiates caused a craving where as i never craved benzos. you know what i mean/ there’s just a difference in these two drugs. i ponder this a lot.

My only experience with opiates has been the few times I have taken hydorcodone or percocet. I remember having this “wow” feeling the first time I took them so I can see how they could rope someone in.

It seems like benzo withdrawal (or whatever you want to call it) is a completely different animal. They don’t create physical cravings for most people but the severity and duration of the damage they cause to the body seems to be worse in general. I wouldn’t want to find myself addicted to opiates but if I could trade that for what I have experienced over the past 6.5 years from benzos I would do it in a heartbeat. At least if the bulk of your problem is staying off the drugs you might have a fighting chance.

Denying that benzos create physical craving in most people is simply addict shaming, […]. It’s intolerance and approaches bigotry. It shuts down conversation about benzos and is seen by many professionals and lay people as denial. Denial is a hallmark of addiction. This conversation is unpopular here and it’s not my fight. My fight is overcoming a lifetime of taking these pills and regaining my life.

Benzo craving is prevalent here at bb’s and can be seen in the vast majority of early posts before people are indoctrinated into the bb’s culture. Even then the veterans display the cravings in many posts but rationalize it away as specific symptoms. Rationalization is another hallmark of addiction.

Addiction doesn’t discriminate. Humans do!

The term addiction fits for most of us. Breaking the symptoms of withdrawal down into minute details is again denial and rationalization best used only in support groups. The broad picture of the minute details supports an addiction definition and paradigm. Post withdrawal syndrome and the time it takes for the small subsection of us to recover is a whole other discussion.

Refusal by some members here to accept that many many people here are addicted despite the overwhelming evidence otherwise shuts down healthy and critical analysis of our issues. I understand why people don’t want to be associated with addiction. But the very nature of being here at bb’s involved in support for getting off benzos suggests we are associated with addiction. That’s how most of the real world understands this.

I agree that the definition af addiction carries with it many awful preconceptions that it shouldn’t, but that definition is embedded into the worldwide human culture. Overcoming those biases held by everyone who is culturally assimilated is a tall task. Overcoming those biases in our worlds cultures changes the conversation for those of us who are trying to recover to something else.

I apologize to anyone that is offended by this post. It’s not my intent to offend but out there in the real world most people I run into only know this as addiction. It’s how they understand the issue.

[Buddie]

Today is my 14 year wedding anniversary I can’t even leave my bedroom because I am scared everything including my wife and daughter. This makes absolutely no sense and it really bothers me. I have an appointment with a therapist this morning and I don’t think I can even make it out of the bed. I’m trembling in complete fear. I know people say they get this but I really think that I’m permanently damaged. How the hell can I be scared of my own wife and daughter? What the f*** is wrong with me? Today is the 6th day in a row with no sleep and spent 3 hours last night suffering an anxiety attack so bad that I was convinced I was going to die it felt the blood leave my limbs and my head was popping out of my chest. I know people say things get better but I really don’t know if I could hold on any longer. I really wonder why I can’t just fall asleep and not wake up so I could be put out of this misery

[Buddie]

Hey there, Buddies

First of; I just want to say that I didn’t realize that this board was mainly for Benzo withdrawal, which I hear is one of the worst drug withdrawals you can go through. I just googled something and found a forum called Benzobuddies. I figured it was aimed at Benzodiazepine fans, users and abusers alike… But now I see, however, that it was not the case haha 😛

Secondly; I just want to give you guys going through Benzo withdrawal my nicest and most pleasant feelings and thoughts. What you’re doing, no matter how you got there, is something that I wish I had the strength for. If I ever landed in the deep end of the Benzo pool, I’d choose another way out instead of fighting it, because I’m not as strong a person as one would think when looking at me.

I’m very big about this whole mental health thing and believe that if it makes you better, why not? If it makes you worse, stay away from it!

It’s been pointed out to me that excessive cursing is a no-no here so I’ll try to edit most of it out, aside from those curses that I use for emphasis, those are pretty damn important to just get how massive this whole thing was for me. Life shattering is one way to put it.

So, As I said, I believe, and have I gotten a confirmation from one of the most revered psychiatrists in my country, which so happens to be my personal psychiatrist, which says that I’m not that far from the truth about this whole thing, that a Benzodiazepine called Xanax not only induced my first episode psychosis but also, somehow, triggered my Schizophrenia.

So, my BenzoBuddies, I entered those episodes 2-4 times a week for the eighteen months after those initial two weeks.

I had, of course, before being put on the Xanax, entered Psychotic episodes before. But, they never were a problem. I, of course, didn’t know what they were or why I was having these crazy intrusive thoughts and strong as shit ideas about all sorts of crazy things. I didn’t have the vocabulary or the trust in others to tell anyone about these episodes as I was just a small child.

But again, they weren’t ever a problem or as frequent until the Xanax.

So my fully functional theory is that when I was born I entered something called the prodromal phase of Schizophrenia as soon as I developed consciousness, as I remember every single negative symptom of the Schizophrenia I have today from my childhood.

I entered the first phase as I started noticing I wasn’t like other kids. As soon as my parents noticed I wasn’t like other kids, I entered phase two.

Phase three, however, didn’t appear until some 16-18 years later or when I was about to turn 20, the summer of 2013, when I started feeling my first positive symptoms. Paranoia. Coming up at the most untimely times. And it only exacerbated the paranoia whenever I got stressed or enjoyed some lovely other stressors.

Then, instead of my parents noticing my paranoia or some other symptom that had appeared by then, I took the Xanax and that stuff threw me over phase 4 and 5 and just way beyond everything.

I wish to believe that if I hadn’t taken the Xanax, I would have developed some other fun old psychotic symptom and gotten “used” to it like I had with the paranoia, my parent noticing there was something more wrong with me perhaps a couple of years later and I’d entered my first major psychotic episode, the one that would’ve triggered the Schizophrenia, a few years later. Maybe in 2016, 2018 or 2020….. Maybe I should have gotten this shit through fate when I would’ve been 26 or in 2019…

I believe that me taking the Xanax was both a blessing and a curse. As it did absolutely nothing for me if we’re talking about Anxiety but caused me an extreme psychotic episode. The blessing was that I later found out what was wrong with me, what those strange feelings and behaviors I experienced as a child were and there was finally some reason for why I felt like the crap I usually feel like. The curse was that I self harmed and almost resorted to suicide which I’m not gonna go into detail with.

If I’d been allowed to experience this “first major” episode of mine in peace in ~2018, maybe it wouldn’t have hit me as hard. I could have gotten “used” to the symptoms. And when I say used to I mean that they wouldn’t have fucked me as hard up as they did.

Now I’m of course, and you might have read it, not saying that the Xanax caused the Schizophrenia like I thought at first. It simply jump-started it.

My body made a listing on Kickstarter and pledged $2 for the initial goal of the project. The project being psychosis and the goal being Schizophrenia. And one pill of 0.5 mg Xanax was enough to fill the goal instead as $2 is roughly the street value of one 0.5 mg Xanax.

For you disbelievers, you can too enter psychosis from Benzodiazepines, it simply being called Agitated Toxic Psychosis. Google-Scholar it, bro.

I may be terrible at school, but I’m terrific thinking out of the triangle, putting crap together and making theories that make more than sense. And much to my surprise, my psychiatrist strongly agrees with my theories, and it’s not just to shut me up. He’s more professional than to actually do that. He’s been cruelly frank with me in the past and he’d sure as hell tell the shit out of me if I wasn’t making any sense and was deluding myself.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Anyone here that’s experienced psychosis from Xanax or any other Benzodiazepine or are some Schizophrenics here that have noticed something strange from Benzodiazepine use? I’m open for all stories if there’s anything about psychosis, depression or any other mental disorder directly related to Benzodiazepine use!

If there’s interest, I’ll write down everything that happened those two weeks, skipping the most graphic parts of course as they’re not well seen by the mods here which I completely understand. Suicides and self harm can trigger all sorts of feelings in sick individuals, plus, it’s just not very pleasant to read about or relive in one’s mind.

DISCLAIMER: What happened to me, experiencing psychosis from a drug that’s used to treat psychosis, is what’s called a Paradoxical Reaction. Paradoxical Reactions can happen from any drugs but are extremely rare, yet somehow more frequent with Benzos than with other drugs. It’s said that 5% of all Benzodiazepine users on this little planet of ours will experience Paradoxical Reactions from Benzodiazepines at one point in their lives. These reactions are most common with children, the elderly, in high doses and with abuse.
While none of those things relates to me, it can quite well happen, to anyone, anywhere, from any medication, for any reason. That it’s gonna happen to you is still highly unlikely and if you were gonna feel these Paradoxical Reactions, odds are you would have felt them by now. They can, not only, come out as Psychosis but also stress, anxiety and agitation. Benzo Rage, ever heard of it? That’s a Paradoxical Reaction as well.
Again, and I cant stress this enough, it’s highly, unrealistically, unlikely that this will ever happen to you and is my post not some sort of fear mongering aimed at regular folks for the sole purpose of making them paranoid that what they’re ingesting might cause them to go insane. I do not wish in any way to exacerbate anyone’s Benzo induced paranoia or uneasiness with this babble of mine. I’m just here looking for some answers!
I’ve researched it extensively and it looks like that this is one of the first of these cases in the world. That is that a Benzo might have triggered Schizophrenia. So you have nothing to worry about, absolutely nothing to worry about.

Have a nice day, everyone! And could someone tell me what’s up with this guy? Is he having some sort of seizure? I feel like what you have to type to make this guy Should be switched with this strange seizure guy… But that’s just me

Thoughts of Bliss

"It was even suggested that Valium should be added, like fluoride, to the drinking water. Together people would be blessed both with tranquility and strong teeth." - Prof. Heather Ashton, December 2011

"I must confess, I have thought about becoming either a phone sex operator or a cam sex operator, probs phone first. I wish I knew some girls who would show me the ropes. I can’t seem to get any info online." - Benzo Buddies member Journey, September 2012

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