Finding yourself

Finding yourself

I’m still trying to figure this blog mess out and I’m determined to get it.

I always feel like my brain is a mess (compliments of too much pot in my younger days/Mom brain) and I really enjoy writing, getting everything in my head, out.

So my blog today is my journey? Parts of it I guess because as always the story is too long and detailed.

Let’s start my journey with my daughter. I didn’t have a career prior to getting pregnant.

Instead I was a 22 year old flip flopping pothead who barely worked and had no direction in life. I had no goals or aspirations. It’s sad to look back on but also my story. And I’ve learned so much from every move I’ve made in life and I try to never regret the good and bad.

Luckily I did have a goal oriented boyfriend at the time who was the complete opposite of me. The summer after our daughter was born we got married and almost 3 years after that we had our son.

Two beautiful children who I struggled with but loved and was determined put my best foot forward for them.

Now fast forward to this past fall. I was offered a job by an old friend. He was giving me an opportunity I was afraid I’d never find again. I was excited and stupid.

Very, very stupid.

I had been searching for jobs, something, ANYTHING! I had no real job history and even applying to the local grocery stores didn’t work out. 🤦🏻‍♀️

It was embarrassing and taking a toll on me mentally.

I felt my worth fading. Immensely.

I was honestly bored at home and needed to be better stimulated.

So my friend offers me a job working as a sales and marketing rep. I though how hard could that be?

Uhh…I mean it doesn’t take a genius to figure all of it out. However it was obvious soon that I sucked.

Standing up in front of groups left me almost paralyzed with fear.

Knowing what I was talking about was difficult because of what I was “selling”. There was a lot of ends and outs and questions that left me stuck. I didn’t feel confident in my decisions I was supposed to be making.

Wow, what a lesson. What a very big lesson.

Before long I was so stressed by my anxiety about speaking with others I was overwhelmed.

This is funny too because for the most part I’m pretty social. I speak well to others. I try to tell jokes to be funny around others because I love to laugh and have fun. I’m always told how social I am.

I’ve found I hate being social. I like it…but don’t.

Can someone explain that to me?!

Another bump, or step forward in finding myself. Depends on how you look at it.

I look at it as “Um hey, 30 year old with kids! Get your shit together.”

So eventually I left my job. Anxiety was a big factor but a couple other things helped me decide I was done and needed to walk away.

Luckily my husband was supportive and I was happy to be home again with my children. I had a new view on being a stay at home mom and seemed to appreciate the fact that I could be home for them.

I do have to look at the positive although I’ve been feeling like a failure.

The positive lessons I’ve taken away from my experience working outside of the home. Note! I consider all of these pros:

•I hate having too long of conversations with others. Some days I just couldn’t do it, and I think that’s totally okay. I accept it.

•I can be wishy washy. I have so much trouble making decisions. Like woah make up your damn mind Jordan!! I’m going to focus on making small decisions and go with my gut like I knew it to be right all along.

•I LOVE being home with my kids. I love spending the day with them doing something they love. Listening to their stories. Watching them play. Helping them grow. It is so rewarding to build a good relationship with them.

•I’m loyal. Those I care about, I try to speak well about to others. I’ll never stab someone in their back and talk ugly. I stick by someone’s side when I know their character. I love positive thoughts and vibes.

•I very much care. When making decisions for my job I always thought how it would affect the owner (my friend who hired me). I never went hog wild with my budget and to never waste my time on the job. I tried so hard to be careful with someone else’s money. All of us were young with young families and we could relate to each other which I’m sure made being empathetic easier.

I don’t know if any of this actually means anything. I’m sure there’s a thousand other things I could take away from my experience. But it’s where I’m at now and I’m okay with that.