There have been some scurrilous rumors floating around lately about Channing Tatum and his wife and partner in hip-hop street ballet, Jenna Dewan. The rumor is that they’re getting a divorce, this young married couple with a new baby. Which would be terrible, if true! But they are not, the couple’s publicists tell Us Weekly, saying the report “couldn't be further from the truth.” Phew.

So just who was it who ran with this terrible lie of a story? Well, I won’t give them the satisfaction of seeing their name printed on these pages, but just know that it rhymes with Blar Bagazine. Do you get it? No? O.K., what about, Smar Smagazine? Nothing, huh. Hm. Let’s try . . . Far Fa— Nope! Nope. Not taking that one any further, sorry. Gwar Gagazine. There you go. You’ve got it. It’s that publication. They’re the ones spreading these nasty rumors.

And why spread such sad filth about this sweet couple? Don’t they seem like a good couple? We don’t really know much about their personal life other than that they’re married and have a baby. That’s it. And that’s pretty commendable in this day and age. So come on, Zar Zagazine. Don’t do this couple dirty like that. They don’t invite that kind of coverage. Plenty of other jerks do, so talk about those jerks. Your televised wedding people, your “call paparazzi before I’m on Robertson” people, your bucket-peeing children people. All those people. Not the Channing Tatums and Jenna Dewans of the world, humble millionaires who just want to live quietly. Won’t you let them live, Star Magazine? Oops. [Us Weekly]

Avicii. Have you heard of Avicii? It’s O.K. if you haven’t. Well, I mean, it’s O.K. if you’re over 30 and haven’t heard of Avicii. But if you’re not, then what the heck is wrong with you? He’s the 24-year-old Swedish wunderkind electronic-dance music producer and songwriter who is responsible for stuff like this. He’s a backwards-baseball-cap-wearing, elfin-faced kid, and yet he’s famous the world over. The young people love him. Perhaps too much. At Avicii’s big show at the TD Garden in Boston last night, some “three dozen people were transported to the hospital and as many as 50 others were treated or evaluated at the scene,” according to Page Six. Apparently, most of that had to do with alcohol, and those treated ranged from 16 to 25 years old.

So basically kids were drunk as f--k at this thing. Which can’t be that much different from a lot of other concerts featuring acts that are popular with dopey kids, right? Or this could just be a case of Boston. That is very likely too. The real mystery here is that people are going to arena concerts to watch a guy play things from his computer. It’s a mystery to me, at least! I’m sure all the E.D.M. dance phreaks out there could explain to me that Avicii is, in fact, doing much more than that when he’s on stage, but who wants to talk to some drunk 22-year-old about music? Nobody! That’s who. Oh well. Party responsibly, kids. And dance on, I suppose. [Page Six]

Daniel Radcliffe is happy. Specifically, he and his girlfriend, Erin Darke, are “very happy.” That’s what Us Weekly reports to us this morning. An insider has told the magazine that Radcliffe and Darke are, indeed, very happy. Aren’t you glad to know that? I sure am, sitting here wheezing and alone as I troll Us Weekly’s website. “Great,” I think. “Daniel Radcliffe and his girlfriend are very happy.” Does it make me happy? Does it make you happy? Who’s to say, really. But at least we know that two faraway people are happy, and that they “have great chemistry,” according to this gushing insider. Daniel Radcliffe is very happy. And the rest of us just are what we are. [Us Weekly]

As is tradition in many cultures, Kim Kardashian had baby North West’s ears pierced for her first birthday. Some will say that’s not really fair to the child, that she should get to make her own decision about whether or not to bore holes in her body, but I’m sure there are plenty of others who will say it doesn’t matter. It’s not like certain other procedures that babies have done to them, in that it’s reversible. You can just not wear earrings the holes will eventually go away. (Right? Isn’t that how ears work? I’ll confess that I don’t know for sure how ears work.) But yes, I’m sure there are people out there who will be outraged by this. Or at least mildly annoyed. Which is silly, because what we should really be mad about is the fact that Kardashian’s step-brother, Brody Jenner, has apparently started a podcast, in which he gives out relationship advice with the help of a “relationship expert.” Huh. What qualifies Brody Jenner to do this, exactly? His extensive work with relationships on The Hills? I guess his qualifications are just that he’s a human being. That’s it. “Is he a human? Great, give him a podcast.” Too many podcasts in the world these days, folks. Far too many podcasts. [Us Weekly; Us Weekly]

Adam Levine, singer and Voice coach and newly minted actor, has a new interview in GQ magazine in which he acknowledges that people think he’s a “douchebag” and admits that he has lived the rock-star life and can be “cocky,” but wants everyone to know that he’s really not a douchebag-douchebag. He’s just, y’know, Adam Levine. That’s all. Which, fine, great. I do not know Adam Levine! Chances are, I will never know Adam Levine. So far be it from me to determine his douchebagginess. But, as my grandmother used to say, where there’s a Gentleman’s Quarterly magazine interview, there’s fire. You know? Perhaps Mssr. Levine doth protest too mucheth? Here is the interview. You decide for yourself, as we all must do. [GQ]