The Challenge of Being an Introverted Pastor

In my second pastorate, I used to tell myself that over and over again.

The reason was painful: my church wasn’t growing … it was shrinking.

I had been a youth pastor in three churches. All three youth groups had grown both numerically and spiritually.

But then I became the pastor of a small church in Silicon Valley.

And it didn’t grow … but I couldn’t figure out why … so I blamed myself.

I would tell myself, “I must be the problem. I have the training and giftedness to lead this church, but I don’t have the personality they want or need.”

For example, I wasn’t comfortable:

*using the telephone. I’d do it because I had to, but I always felt like I was interrupting the person I was calling, and I couldn’t read their facial expressions. I’d much rather speak with people face-to-face.

*visiting people in their homes. Even if I called ahead for an appointment, it felt like I was invading their space. I didn’t know what to talk about … didn’t know how far to pry into their lives … and couldn’t wait to leave. I always felt awkward in those settings.

*contacting people who had been absent from church. This required as much courage for me as calling a girl for a first date. If I called someone who had been missing, they’d invariably tell me, “Oh, we’re visiting other churches right now,” and I ‘d take it personally. So why contact them at all?

*going out to eat with others after church on Sundays. In my first ten years as a pastor, I usually taught Sunday School and then preached a sermon, and I lacked the energy to go to a restaurant and be social, but my wife … an extrovert … would invariably say, “But I want to go!” So I’d go for her sake … and feel like a relational failure afterward.

*confronting people. Especially men who were much older than me. When I watched the original Hawaii Five-O on TV, Steve McGarrett would go to the home of a big-time crook, knock on his door, and warn him forcefully to close down his criminal activities. McGarrett had no fear when he confronted people. I wanted to be a Christian Steve McGarrett! But I’d do anything to avoid a confrontation instead.

*making small talk during a meal at someone’s home. I could not say, “Oh, that’s a lovely platter, where did you get that?” I wouldn’t even notice the platter. I could not say, “Oh, this casserole is incredible! May I have the recipe?” I hate casseroles! If the conversation drifted toward an issue of the day, I’d come alive, but otherwise, I hated small talk.

*having a lot of friends. When I was a pastor, some people tried to get close to me, but if we didn’t have enough in common, I usually resisted their overtures … but felt guilty in the process. And when I did make a friend inside the church, they’d usually move away.

*being the focus of attention. I shy away from the limelight. I have no desire to be famous or well-known. I didn’t even want my picture on church advertising. Being a team player who is effective is enough for me.

In my first ten years of ministry, I defined myself by who I wasn’t. I wasn’t Chuck Swindoll … I wasn’t an outgoing person … I wasn’t a visionary leader … I wasn’t the pastor of a growing church … and I was never who the district leaders wanted me to be.

My seminary taught me Greek and theology, but offered no insights into who God made me to be … or how to find out.

My mid-to-late thirties was a painful time because, in a very real sense, I wasn’t comfortable being the person God created.

I tried to be who my district leaders wanted me to be … who my church board wanted me to be … and who my wife wanted me to be.

But I was emotionally and vocationally lost … and I didn’t know how to pull out of it.

And then I ran into an insightful secular book called Please Understand Me by Keirsey and Bates.

The book (which I gave to my daughter so I can’t quote it accurately) said something like this:

“You are different from other people. That is a good thing. Don’t try to change to be what others want you to be. Don’t try to be who you’d like to be. You’ll just be frustrated. Just accept who you already are and life will fall into place.”

I almost cried. For some reason, I didn’t think being myself … in ministry … was good enough.

When I took the Myers-Briggs Temperament Sorter, I discovered that I am an ISTJ. (George Washington and Queen Elizabeth were both ISTJs. When I watched The Crown on Netflix, I could usually predict which decisions the queen would make because I understood her.)

The first letter in ISTJ is “I,” which stands for “introverted.”

But I didn’t want to be an introvert … especially among my pastoral peers. The extroverts set the agendas and steered the conversations when pastors congregated. The introverts just listened … and outwardly nodded their heads.

I preferred to be an extrovert, because they seemed to have the corner on success in the Christian world.

My wife is an ENFP … the exact opposite of me. (“E” stands for extrovert.) She is outgoing and fun. She makes people feel special. She is dynamic and caring and a brilliant organizer of people. She makes things happen. She has charisma.

And most people adore her.

So I’d rather be an ENFP … or an ESTJ … or anything other than a boring ISTJ.

But try as I might, I could not become an extrovert. It was too much work!

Because there are three times more extroverts in this world than introverts, we’re in the minority … and often misunderstood … which is why extroverts are always trying to turn introverts into extroverts.

But I came to realize … and to accept … that God made me an introvert … and an ISTJ.

1 Corinthians 12:18 refers primarily to spiritual gifts, but I believe it can also apply to temperament:

But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.

The day I accepted that fact, my life and ministry turned around.

Rather than fight who I was, I went with the flow.

According to Keirsey and Bates, an extrovert is someone who gains energy by being with other people, while an introvert is someone who gains energy by being alone.

That latter phrase describes me perfectly. I can be a “professional extrovert” for a few hours, but after that, I long to be by myself.

After I learned that it was okay to be an introvert, I compensated by making some adjustments:

*I’m not good on the phone? Okay … I’ll talk to as many people as I can on Sundays … use email when I can’t get a face-to-face … and call only when necessary. If I talk to you on the phone, that’s special.

*I’m not good at visitation? If I have to do it, I’ll take along my extroverted wife. Otherwise, I’ll recruit extroverts to visit the shut-ins and only visit the hard cases. (Rick Warren is fond of saying, “Yes, I visit people in the hospital, but you don’t want to be that sick.”)

*I’m not good at contacting absentees? I’ll see if I can find an outgoing and caring lay person or staff member to do this … and found it was a task my wife did without fear … and she usually enticed people to return.

*I’m not good at going out to eat on Sundays? Most of the time, I’ll just go out with my wife … and only say “yes” when I’m feeling good or really like the people involved.

*I’m not good at confronting people? I’ll only confront those I must … and deal with issues as they arise instead of letting them stack up.

*I’m not good at making small talk? I’ll just bide my time around the table and enter the conversation when I feel comfortable.

*I’m not good at having many friends? While I have 258 friends on Facebook … and God knows I don’t want or need anymore … my wife has over 700. Night after night, she writes notes of encouragement to her Facebook friends. I don’t want to get that involved in people’s lives! Like most introverts, having a few close friends is enough for me.

*I don’t want to be the focus of attention? I’ll focus on our church’s mission and vision instead … and promote others as often as possible.

I have since learned that many sucessful pastors are introverts. They tend to spend hours in study … looking for just the right quotes, stories, and applications. And introverts tend to write well. In fact, my favorite Christian authors are almost all introverts.

And I’ve noticed that while Christian leaders who are extroverts tend to be loved, leaders who are introverts tend to be respected.

And I can live with that.

So my encouragement to you is … don’t try and be someone else … and don’t try and be who others want you to be.

Discover who God made you to be. Rest content in His marvelous creation.

And if you’re an introvert, find extroverts who can do ministry better than you can … then focus on what you do best.

When I finally stopped trying to be who others wanted me to be, I enjoyed years of God’s blessing.

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5 Responses

Very interesting! I was very shy and introverted growing up. I am still more comfortable in thebackground, but being a teacher myself and a pastor’s wife does not lend itself to staying in the background. So I have learned to enjoy some of the experiences immensely. I have not learned to enjoy social situations like parties with people I do not know well, so I quit going to them a very long time ago. I don’t enjoy long periods of social interactions, so I keep them shorter. You will not find me or my husband at a week long intimate retreat with anybody except each other! So you are right, we learn and adjust as we mature so that we are not feeling uncomfortable for going nor guilty for not going. In my younger and painfully shy days, there were two things I dreaded…someone saying that I wasn’t talking much and someone telling me to just go and be myself. I had no clue who I was so I couldn’t be myself. I do not miss those days. In ministdy, I too am thankful to have found my identity in Christ. I can only be the person God created me to be and still be genuine. And that is much less stressful. Praise the Lord.

True, but all you have to do is position yourself next to their writing hand and ask politely, then thank them. But first you have to recognize them, and that takes some skill. There were times when I tried to talking to a player … like Nolan Ryan on Market Street in San Francisco one time … and that took courage because you didn’t know if they would converse with you or not. On that occasion, Ryan did not engage with me!

Good point – preparedness overcoming being uncomfortable when the goal is important. Incidentally, the post is excellent, and a reminder that we are all unique creations, and despite our personality type He can use us in many ways, even to affect lives for the Kingdom.