A boorish wind is even worse than a hissy one

QUESTION: Listening to the weather forecast on the wireless the other day, I heard the weatherman warning of 'gusty winds'. Is this a technical term and, if so, what other kinds of wind are there?

'Gusty' is the technical term for a wind that is excitable and potentially destructive, but still able to operate on a more-or-less rational level. A 'blustery' wind is defined as a wind that is above itself, occasionally pompous and with no real centre.

The Meteorological Office offers the following technical definitions for the following common wind terms:

Sullen or boorish? This tree has certainly born the brunt of some kind of wind

Hissy: A 'hissy' wind seems breezy, but is apt to fly into a terrible whirligig of frustration, often caused by a petty grievance at some imagined snub, and can even, on occasion, send plates flying.

Sure enough, natives of Newcastle later reported a wind that approached in silence and then remained broody, making little or no attempt to liven things up. Over the next two or three hours, it offloaded on everyone and then eventually left in a fluster, but only being driven into a corner.

Boorish: Even among those winds that arrive early and stay far longer than necessary, the 'boorish' wind is notable for its doggedness and persistence. 'The last time a boorish wind descended on Littlehampton,' says South Coast weatherman Mike Yangleby, 'we thought it was never going to leave.'

QUESTION: I very much enjoy 'flapjacks'. But whenever I am consuming flapjacks for my tea (or breakfast - they are excellent with a fried egg) I find myself wondering how the flapjack got its name. Can anyone help?

The history of how flapjacks got their name is a bit on the nutty side

The flapjack is the invention of Lord Jack Trevelyan (1757-1841), who was widely regarded as the most panicky man of his day. He would regularly get into the most terrible state before embarking on everyday chores, and was once confined to bed for a full six weeks after losing his nerve while brushing his teeth.

Quite by chance, Trevelyan once entered his kitchen carrying a large sack of rolled porridge oats. A member of his kitchen staff took him by surprise by saying: 'Good morning sir.'

At this, nervy Trevelyan leapt in the air, spilling his sack of rolled porridge oats into a nearby baking tray that happened to contain margarine, golden syrup and sugar. Before he realised what was happening, the head chef placed the tray in the oven at 175C (Gas Mark 4).

Lord Jack Trevelyan was initially very upset by what he saw as a terrible accident. His wife was rushed to the kitchen; 25 minutes later, in an attempt to calm him down, she cried 'Don't get in a flap, Jack!' at the very same time as the baking tray was being removed from the oven.

It turned out that the resultant oat-based biscuit-cum-cake was extremely delicious and, two centuries later, there are enough flapjacks cooked throughout the world to reach the moon and back (though some sort of protective clothing would be required).

Sadly, Lord Jack never recovered from this flap and died in his wife's arms two days later, an uneaten flapjack nestling in his left hand.

QUESTION: The day before yesterday, I could have sworn I saw Michael Jackson emerging from my local branch of Boots the Chemist. I knew that it was him because he seemed to be walking forward, but was in fact walking backwards. It took him over two hours to get around the shop, and it's really a wonder that he ever managed to leave it at all. Have there been any other sightings of Michael Jackson since he tragically died?

Where's Elvis? There have been no fewer than 12 Michael Jackson sightings since the star's death

There have been no fewer than 12 sightings of Michael Jackson in the South-West of England alone, though one of them later turned out to be Michael Martin, the former Speaker of the House of Commons, who was on holiday in Tintagel at the time.

At Bridgewater in Somerset, a mother of two spotted Michael Jackson moonwalking out of an Oxfam shop carrying a single white glove to go with the white glove he was already wearing.

'I sensed that he had always promised himself a second glove,' she said at a press conference, 'and that he felt now was as good a time as any to take the plunge.'

In Calne, Wiltshire, Michael Jackson was spotted by retired farmer Geoffrey Manning having his hair washed and blow-dried at The Hair Today Salon. 'I could tell it was Michael because he was with Elvis Presley,' says Mr Manning.

'The two of them were in the middle of a heated discussion about Jordan and Peter Andre, so I didn't like to disturb them for autographs and suchlike.'

QUESTION: Sadly, I can't afford to go to any of this year's rock festivals as I am only a bank manager, with no other source of income. Is there a more affordable way in which I could recreate the conditions for myself, preferably somewhere close to home?

The authentic festival experience is actually perfectly easy to recreate. Take a television to your nearest field, having first parked your car in a muddy patch at least two miles away.

Place the television down one end and then sit down at the other end. Now bring out your binoculars, turn them the wrong way round and look through them in the direction of the television.

If you have any money spare, you may also like to hire a number of local bouncers to ask to see your pass whenever you walk more than a few yards and to stay up all night drinking next to you while you struggle to get to sleep.