Single White Dads Need Help Too.

Eye White Open
Sometimes, we all go through situations where we could really use a some help, even if it’s only a little. Whether it be something relatively small, like supplemental food stamps or grants for reeducation in times of employment hardships, to more immediate needs like emergency, short-term shelter to keep so that our children do not have to sleep in a car overnight. But there is a reality to this that I was not aware of until recently.

You see, about four years ago, I was laid off from my architectural job right at the time the economy hit bottom. At first, I was okay. I received a small amount of unemployment benefits, and had a few thousand dollars saved in the bank. But as the months wore on with no prospects for gaining meaningful employment, and with the savings quickly drained, I was facing a situation that was quickly becoming desperate. Know picture this, I was (am) a single, white, father with a moderate education. I knew I would need to be proactive to get through that situation if I were going to be able to continue to provide for my little girl.
So while I was searching for work, I also attempted to enroll in a re-education program offered by the Private Industry Council in San Diego, because the decline of Design/Construction industry in California had no end in sight. I wanted to prepare for the possibility that I would need to find work in a different field. The PIC requires participants to attend an orientation class, skill testing, and then a final review with an agent to be approved for the program.
After completing the orientation, I sat in the waiting room with the other candidates. I noticed right off the bat that I was the only caucasien male in the room. I also noticed that the agents there were not particularly friendly, I figured this was from being over-worked with large case loads. As I sat there waiting, I heard one of the men explain to his friend how he has “beaten the system”. He spread out in great detail how all he has to do is “play dumb”, and flunk the skill test – the result will be referrals to some great benefits, including free bus fair. As his friend chuckled in admiration, I tried not to listen because it was making me angry. There I was, a tax-paying, single parent who just needed a little help to stay on his feet and keep working, and I had to listen to someone explain how easy it was to abuse a resource that was created to get people back into the labor force and keep working.
When it was my turn to take the skill aptitude test, I scored well enough to get an interview with an agent. As I was ushered to her office, I passed by the man who was so sure of his ability to trick the system, talking to another agent who wore a sympathetic face. It’s not my war, I told myself. However, the agent (we’ll call her Kathy) who interviewed me was not so sympathetic. In fact, as I explained my situation to her, I was almost distracted by the look of contempt on her face, as if to ask, “What are YOU doing here? You’re an articulate, young white man, and you can help yourself”. After a very short interview, Kathy made it very clear that she was not in fact going to help me, even though I fell well within the qualifying factors of candidates for the PIC program (and I did read them). I received a similar response when I tried to get temporary food stamps after my savings diminished and unemployment barely covered rent.
After two whole years of not being able to find full-time employment, and not receiving a stitch of assistance from programs that have been funded be my own tax dollars from since I was 15 years-old, my unemployment benefits ran out. I was broke and disparate, especially in spirit. I was also about to become homeless with a 6 year-old little girl under my wings. I was eventually forced to move. That morning, I called a hotline to see if I get temporary shelter for a period of two weeks. You see, I actually was able to finally find some work, but it was not in time for me to keep our place to live. When the lady on the other end picked up, she was very nice. However, she told me that she couldn’t help me because there was no shelter programs for males in California, except at a facility where everyone had bads in a big room. I felt that was in no way an appropriate situation for a parent with a young child. After voicing this fact to her, she said that they only had private facilites for battered women with children. I responded by saying that I didn’t care if I slept in my car that night, however my child needed to be kept off the streets -my female child. Only after I said that did she offer the slight possibility that they may have some motel vouchers. But after checking, she said they didn’t do to limited numbers. I wonder looking back now if maybe that man I experienced at the San Diego PIC who knew how to beat the systems was one of the recipients of these limited housing vouchers.
I finally was able to get in touch with a very casual friend and beg him to let us sleep in his living room. My daughter never missed a day of school during that time, and I finally was able to get something secure for us, but with eyes open to a new understanding of how alone single, causasen fathers are when it comes to getting assistance in hard times. Yeah, my church was able to quietly donate $50 to me, which helped a little. But I was alone. I was told (by a friend of mine who is a person of color) that this is because there is an “understanding” that white men have advantages over other races in this country. Well, if she ment that we have to work hard to be sure that we are never in a situation of need because there’s nothing out there for us if we hit bottom, she just might be right.
Now it’s four years later. I’m back at work, and we’re finally beginning to recover from the ordeal. I never needed such a lesson to be more compassionate towards people or more grateful for everyday life, of which I am. However, I have been thoroughly educated and made aware of a situation in our country that I believe is grossly over-looked. That said, the Private Industry Counsel of San Diego better hope that I will never be in an position of oversight in the future, because then there would be no future PIC. At least not as it functions now. :~)

Keep the conversation going - comment and discuss with your thoughts

Todd Maxell

What a truly harrowing and heart-wrenching story. You have lived what I, as a single (white) father of not just one but two beautiful little children, fear most. I am truly sorry for your experience and celebrate with you at your success in overcoming it. There are so many stigma against single fathers with daughters already. Race is just one too many.

Jamin Rohner

Thanks Todd! As one single father to another, I’m sure you can relate when I say that we are probably one of the least represented or recognized group of people in society. But we do what we do for one single, infallible reason – unconditional love for our child(ren). Real men don’t need things to be easy to overcome challenges. Nor do I believe I need to be bulletproof to be the Superman my little girl sees in me. But dealing with undeserved hatred and reverse prejudice from people who should understand on a first-hand basis the evil and stupidity of racism, I find this equally as unacceptable as hearing the “N” word in modern-day society.

Jess

I have wondered for the last two years why the people at welfare were so incredibly nasty to me when I signed up for food stamps while serving with Americorps. Bringing in a stipend of just $820 a month for a whole year barely covered my expenses for shelter. That was the point – Americorps volunteers are supposed to experience the same poverty as the people they’re serving, and we were ENCOURAGED to use social welfare programs to make it through the year. I think maybe they were just angry that I’m an educated young white woman with employable skills.

Jamin Rohner

Thank you for serving such a great cause! As for the “anger”, it’s true. You are expected to be stronger and to survive instead of getting a helping hand. WE ALL have money or rich friends somewhere, right? Well, money goes, and rich friends don’t know the same hungry as you and I would. I decided that I will prove them all right by continuing to be self-relient. What other option to I have?

AConcernedBlackMan

It’s impossible to be racist against white people, or at least that’s what my ex-wife would like to say. It’s a struggle everyday for all of us and anyone who still focuses on race above all else are the true racists in my opinion. Fight on my white brother.

Kelvin Scruggs

The other day I was watching a news segment about Mitt Romney’s Health Care Plan in Massachusetts. One the couples that it featured was a middle aged upper middle class white couple that strongly opposed the health care plan. They said that it was a major financial burden. I was immediately enraged by that comment. My mind was flooded with thoughts of their big house with a 3 car (Mercedes S430, Corvette Convertible, and Hummer H2) garage in an exclusive neighbor hood. They can’t afford to spend the summer in Paris this year. They are going to have to settle for a one week vacation in Hawaii. They don’t know what hardship is. Let them suffer while they are on vacation in Hawaii!

Let them suffer? I realized that some how I had stared down the path of prejudice. I did not know if they had a big house or owned the cars I listed. I didn’t know what type of neighborhood they lived in, if they were upper middle class, or their vacation plans. Some how I built all that in my mind without even knowing a thing about them other than their statement about the health care plan. I did not want to sympathize with them because they opposed a program that I support.

What does this have to do with your experience? Maybe it was not inspired solely by racial prejudice but by classism and sexism. Do you believe that if you were not white that you would have received a hotel voucher that night? Were you well dressed when you applied for the re-education program? Maybe the PIC representative’s mind was flooded with thoughts of you having big house and other fictional thoughts. “He doesn’t know what suffering is. Let him suffer!”

Thank you for sharing your story with the world. Don’t let anyone bring you down.

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