WWE Summerslam 2011 Preview (wait, we still do wrestling stuff?)

I hear through the Interweb’s that wrestling is interesting again. CM Punk has done the impossible and managed to make the jilted wrestling fan give a shit once again. In this economy when the WWE is charging $44.95 for PPV’s not named Wrestlemania that is a BIG one to have on the old cable bill.

Summerslam 2011 is upon us and seeing how I am the only person on this site who has no life I can bring to you a Preview/Predictions of the event.

Summerslam is coming to us from Los Angeles once again at The Staples Center. The WWE sees Summerslam as the second biggest show of the year so it gets it’s own Wrestlemania like festivities with a fan fest and other corporate type stuff that WWE does the night before all the rasslin.

For those of you poor bastards actually going to the event in person (say HI to Lethal’s own Judge Gonz if you see him), you now can enjoy WWE commentary in the arena with a brand new piece of technology the WWE is using for all future PPV’s.

If you’ve ever been to a WWE live event or any live sporting event, one major difference from watching the event on television is the lack of play-by-play commentary. The WWE Live Commentary Radio is going to change that, allowing fans in attendance to listen to the SummerSlam television broadcast featuring the likes of WWE Hall of Famers Jerry “The King” Lawler and Jim Ross, as well as Michael Cole, Booker T and Josh Mathews.

The WWE Live Commentary Radio will be available at merchandise stands on the concourse for $15 each. The radios are yours to keep and can be used as a traditional FM radio once the event has ended, and they can be used at future live events where WWE Commentary Radio is available. Supplies are limited so be sure to arrive early!

Oh wow I now know the reason I haven’t been to a WWE show since 1994 when Diesel won the title from Bob Backlund at MSG. It’s because I couldn’t hear the commentary.

THANK YOU JESUS. MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.
Seriously it’s a novel idea. But anyone with an FM tuner on their cell phone or other device probably can pick up this frequency if it’s a simple FM broadcast. If I had to guess, it’s probably going to be somewhere in the 87.9 to 90.9 range on the FM band. You would think in this day and age of smart phones they would just make a damn app you pay for and can listen that way.

The card itself is pretty slim so in typical WWE fashion I suspect another three or four matches will be announced before or during the show. Since we don’t give two shits about those matches, here are the ones announced.

CM Punk has all ready worked quite the miracle in getting us old bitter male fans who fucking hate John Cena back into wanting to watch the WWE because we want to and not because nothing else is on. John Cena stands for everything that real wrestling fans hate. Everything about him is produced and vanilla down to his wannabe jarhead salute to his stupid OKIE DOKIE look. CM Punk is the choice of the new generation while John Cena has the backing of the WWE machine…well mostly. John Cena, while a good corporate solider thinks for himself and the machine cannot have that. So enter Triple H and what should have been a great rematch is now all about who will get screwed to lose the title.

Prediction: Flip a coin on who wins the title because about thirty seconds later you’ll hear Del Rio’s theme.

It is also entirely possible that the person that wins the WWE title will make it to Monday night since the winner has to defend against Rey Mysterio. Rey could win only for all of the above to happen. The WWE just loves to fuck with Rey Rey.

Moving along to the B Show’s main event or show opener depending on Vince’s sense of humor at that moment it’s Smackdown’s contribution to the show.

You know honestly as much as I love Christian; all things Randy Orton bore the fuck out of me. I haven’t honestly watched Smackdown regularly in a long time and that’s mostly due to Stone Cold Randy Orton. Orton is a sociopath. So instead of embracing his inner Patrick Bateman we end up seeing him being a total spaz instead.

See? A total spaz.

No Holds Barred in the WWE means lots of fighting on the outside with garbage can’s and kendo sticks. In a previous lifetime this would at least be a blood bath, but God forbid someone get a scratch these days.

Up next we have the other “prestigious” title in the company. The WWE Sparkle Championship.

Diva’s Championship: Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix

I like Kelly Kelly. Sure she seems like she might have the combined brainpower that could warm a piece of toast and she got her job because Johnny Ace was spanking one off during company hour. But she’s come a long way from being the ditz on ECW who kept trying to show her tits every week. Despite the fact that she wrestles in slow motion and you can see her count the steps of a move in her head while she’s doing it, she’s some how managed to make it this far and she won the Diva’s title.

Enter Beth Phoenix. Beth is tired of the little Barbie dolls (ironic since Kelly’s real name is Barbie) and she has taken it upon herself to reclaim the diva’s division for the REAL women athlete’s in the company. Since that is only she and Natalya it’s going to be a small division. I suspect that this match probably was going to have been Kelly Kelly vs. Kharma. But Kharma got knocked up and she had to go back to her home planet for the birthing process.

Prediction: Beth Phoenix destroys Kelly Kelly and workrate smarks who like women who can actually wrestle will rejoice.

Just give us this and we’ll be happy

In the “I can’t believe this is on the PPV” portion of the show we have what should be a good old fashion bah gawd slobber knocker.

Sheamus vs. Mark Henry

Over the last few weeks since the WWE is woefully low on “Good Guys” Sheamus has gone from “guy who kicks your teeth down your throat” to “Oi, Fella…you wan’t a fight? I’ll fight ya”. Mark Henry is in the middle of his semi-annual “Mark we’re sorry for the way we’ve treated you over the years so we’re gonna make you a monster” push. Now if this were the late 80’s or even early 90’s Mark Henry would be the guy Hogan was feuding with. Mark would have splashed him a few times and we’d all think Hogan was done for only for Hogan to come back. Well this isn’t twenty years ago and somehow Mark Henry continues to stick it out in the WWE despite common sense probably telling him otherwise.

Sheamus is the kind of guy you can root for. He just show’s up and beats a fella down. What more can you ask for?

Prediction: Sheamus punts Mark Henry’s head into the third row for the win.

If the World Heavyweight Championship match isn’t the curtain jerker, this match probably will be.

Daniel Bryan vs. Wade Barrett

This match will probably be the sleeper of the card as I have no doubts that Bryan and Wade can deliver a stellar match. Wade Barrett was tipped for success last year, but in typical WWE fashion they didn’t have the balls to pull the trigger on him. Wade has steadily come back from being made to look like John Cena’s bitch and he’s carved a nice spot for himself on Smackdown.

Daniel Bryan continues to be this generations Bob Backlund is the Smackdown M.I.T.B. winner and he says he’s going to cash in at Wrestlemania 28. While I don’t think that will happen, this match I suspect will be a good one.

Prediction: Potential M.O.T.N. with Daniel Bryan winning via submission. The good thing for Wade is at least he’s not on RAW.

That should be it for Summerslam. In between all of this Cee-Lo Green is supposed to perform and they’ll probably do an “impromptu” rematch for the Intercontinental Championship between the new champion Cody Rhodes and the former champion Ezekiel “Don’t Call Me Ahmed” Jackson. I imagine there also will be segments with Alberto Del Rio and The Miz complaining about how they got fucked over and weren’t on the card.

Is Summerslam worth actually ordering? If you have a group of people over and want to split the price, then sure why not.

Let’s just hope the WWE doesn’t fuck up the main event. Rumors are the whole point of the CM Punk/Cena feud is to get Triple H over as the new boss. As we know if anyone needs to be put over, it’s Triple H. So if that’s true it’s nice to see the WWE has their priorities straight.

About Phantom Lord

My name's Joe aka Phantom Lord. I've been with Lethal for the last six years or so. Along with my old friend Dumass we had the first podcast on this site called IWC Coast To Coast. Several years and several failed attempts later, that eventually became what is now known as Lethal Radio...only with way better production and better content.
Aside from that I am a screen writing major in college, a delusional Ron Paul Republican, and generally bitter.