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Closure and watersports.

Twenty-one-year-old female here. When we were both 14, my first boyfriend took advantage of me. I wanted to explore my sexuality a little, but things went further than I wanted. One day, we were kissing with him on top of me. We were both fully clothed, and he started rubbing up against me. I didn’t realize he was dry-humping me until after he had to leave to clean himself up. He never asked for my permission. Once I understood what had happened, I felt violated. He’d also groped my boobs on another occasion without asking. He broke up with me a couple months later. I haven’t spoken to him in seven years.

For the most part, this hasn’t scarred me too much. I’m comfortable with my sexuality. However, it’s very painful for me to think about what happened. I also avoid having sex with someone on top of me, because it reminds me of what happened and I start panicking. I want some closure so I can move on with my life. I don’t want to report him to the police because it’s not necessary — it happened so long ago. As far as I’m concerned, it wasn’t rape. But I do feel like I was exploited — and it was not consensual.

I want to contact him and ask him to apologize because I feel a sincere apology would help me get over this. The problem is that he lives on the other side of the country and I have no way of contacting him besides looking him up on Facebook. I don’t think FB is the right place to talk about this, but it’s not possible to talk in person. How can I get in touch with him in a way that’s appropriate without having to see him?— Would’ve Said No

A:

Let’s game this out:

While it’s possible your ex-boyfriend did this on purpose — he knew you wouldn’t agree to it — he went ahead and did it anyway. You feel violated because you were violated; it’s also possible that this was an accident. I’m not excusing his behavior, particularly the nonconsensual boob groping, but as a former 14-year-old boy myself, WSN, I feel obligated to toss this out there: Very few boys have achieved complete mastery over their dicks by age 14. Sometimes those things go off when we do not want them to. And accidentally blowing a load in your pants during a hot-and-heavy make-out session is an experience that most boys find deeply humiliating.

You were there, WSN, and I was not; you dated this dude, and I did not. If your boyfriend was a generally decent guy, and if there’s a chance this was an accident, contacting him — even via Facebook — will probably get you the apology you want.

But if it wasn’t an accident — if he was a selfish, manipulative piece of shit who took advantage of your naïveté — you’re unlikely to get the apology you want. Because, if your ex-boyfriend was a selfish, manipulative piece of shit at age 14, odds are good that he remains a selfish, manipulative piece of shit at 21. If he’s an asshole, WSN, and you speak to him about this — on Facebook or face-to-face — you’re unlikely to get the apology you want. Ask yourself how you’ll feel if he responds to your request for an apology with GIFs of people laughing their asses off. If the answer is “infinitely worse,” don’t contact him.

P.S. Two more tips to avoid feeling worse: Don’t go to the police with this, WSN, and stay out of the comments.

Q:

I am a straight, 45-year-old, monogamous male. I am married, for the second time, to a wonderful 42-year-old woman. The few times I shared fantasies with my first wife, she used them as weapons in the many battles we fought over the years. She also betrayed my trust by sharing these fantasies with others. Fast-forward to wife number two. She is fabulous. We can talk about anything. She is respectful of my trust issues and has helped me immensely in getting over much of it. When she says, “I’ll think about it,” she really does. I never feel dismissed. And the sex has been amazing. We have explored things I only dreamed about. Anal sex, public sex, sex toys and video cameras are all part of our routine now. She asks me for things and I try them. I ask her for things and she tries them.

So, what is the problem? I can’t bring myself to ask her for two things that are more than bucket-list issues to me. I am a closet crossdresser. I want to make love to her in stockings and a teddy. I made this request to my ex-wife and it resulted in humiliation. She even shared it with my son out of spite. And I want us to try watersports. When this came up during marriage counseling with my first wife, the counselor blew up at me and accused me of degrading my marriage.

How do I [gather] up the courage to ask wife number two, the ‘good guy in bed who always listens and never judges,’ to let me dress up in women’s underwear and make love to her — and then have her pee on me?

Just writing about it is making my stomach twist, but when I look into her eyes and feel the trust, I almost blurt it out. I won’t die if these wishes go unfulfilled, but I would die if my second wife stopped respecting me.

— Pretty Under Normal Things

A:

You love your new wife, she loves you, you’re both GGG — it all sounds so good, so functional, especially compared to your nightmarish first marriage. Congrats. But you held your two biggest kinks back from the new woman in your life, PUNT, and now you’re sweating the reveal because the stakes are so high. This is precisely why I urge people to lay those kink cards on the table early. The longer you wait, the more emotionally invested you become in the relationship, the higher the stakes. Because what if your kinks aren’t just things your second wife isn’t interested in exploring, PUNT, but attraction-killers?

My advice: Instead of having an open and honest here-are-two-things-I-wanna-do conversation, PUNT, go with an indirect here-are-two-things-some-people-do conversation.

Find a way to broach the topics of crossdressing and piss play without having to admit that they turn you on, (e.g., go see a drag show: drag isn’t crossdressing, of course, but it will allow you to broach the men-in-dresses subject generally) and find a porn film with one brief, not-too-hardcore piss scene in it — and watch it together. Pay attention to her response. If she reacts in a neutral or positive way to men in dresses and/or piss play, lay those last two kink cards on the table. If she reacts negatively, you might just die with those wishes unfulfilled.

Pro tip: Nervous kinksters can screw up indirect here-are-two-things-some-people-do conversations by telegraphing disgust. Someone who’s into rubber says, “Isn’t it weird how some people get off on wearing rubber clothes and gas masks?” The non-kinky partner picks up on the word “weird” and responds with, “Yeah, that rubber stuff is fucked up.” If you set a negative tone, your wife is likely to pick up on that. So keep your reactions — at the drag club, during the porn — as neutral as possible.

This week on the Savage Lovecast, Dan chats with the amazing Mistress Matisse about where kink comes from, fantasy BDSM versus nonconsensual abuse, and how to meet a kinky mate. All at savagelovecast.com.

Find Dan Savage’s weekly podcast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. Reach him at mail@savagelove.net or @fakedansavage on Twitter.