I am confused about my sexuality. Any insight?

0

As the title may suggest, I am very puzzled on the subject of my own sexuality haha. There are four types of sexualities I feel throughout the day, and they are very strong feelings. 1/4 of the day, I feel as racially asexual as you can get, 1/4 of the day I feel very bisexual/pansexual, 1/4 I feel strongly heterosexual, and the last 1/4 I feel very demi sexual. I use “throughout” the day as a metaphor (sorry if I am confusing haha).

Now let start out with asexuality. When I am not aroused, and this is how I feel a majority of the time, I feel strongly asexual. I am repulsed by the concept of sex, and I am disgusted watching it. It seems so primitive, violent, and grotesque to me. Everything about it is horrifying to me. If I ever see anything sexual on social media, tv, movie’s, or hear about it in music, my stomach churns. I will look at my penis in disgust.

Then there comes the arousal. My sexuality is very different in person than it is when I’m by myself. When in person with a group of people, I will not have even the slightest interest in the guys, and thinking about kissing them really is a turnoff, but I can get turned on so easily by all of the girls, and when with any girl my asexuality changes into raging heterosexuality. When I’m alone with a guy, the thought of anything never crosses my mind, and if for some reason I even imagine something as minor as holding hands, it is a real turn off.

When I am by myself and aroused, I very attracted to guys and girls. I am very turned on by the idea of male on male sex, and male and female sex. They are both so hot to me when turned on, but the second I ejaculate, I transition right back into asexuality and am disgusted by what was going through my head and find the primitive nature of sexuality repulsive, but when aroused I masturbate to men and women and get equally turned on.

I am turned off by the idea of a relationship with a man, and would never and have never even considered it, I only like girls. When I like a girl, I have no sexual desire towards her at all and hate the thought of sex with her unless she likes me back, but I don’t want to have sex unless I am in a relationship. Its not a societal thing, its that when I like someone I am turned on by the idea of making love, not sex. When I don’t like a girl and I am aroused, I would do it in a heartbeat, but the second I catch feelings it all disappears unless we are in a relationship.

When I like a girl, it is so easy for my to build sexual attraction, but the second I like a girl all of my sexual instincts disappear, and I have no desire to flirt with them sexually or be sexual unless we are doing something physical. I love sexting girls who I am not in a relationship, but the second I am in a relationship I don’t want to sext or flirt that way at all, and only want the emotional bond. Basically in relationships I want the romantic side of things, and I don’t really care about the sexual side.

But even when I was with my yearlong girlfriend, she got tired of me because I only wanted the romantic side and did not care about the sexual side, and whenever I decided to sexually flirt with her, it felt like a chore, but I loved her with every ounce of my heart and wanted to move in with her and envisioned a family one day, that is how much I loved her. The moment I enter a relationship, my sexual instincts disappear.

During the relationship, I was repulsed by the idea of sex and horrified, by the moment she kissed me I was instantly aroused and wanted it so bad.

Again, when I am alone I am turned on by guys a lot and equally turned on by girls, but in person I am completely straight and don’t desire man on man sex and I have never liked the idea of a guy relationship with me.

What is this called? Any ideas? Did I invent a new sexuality haha? (I kid on the last one)

1 Answer

1

With the asexual part, I would like to note that sexual repulsion can occur in any sexuality, while asexual is where you do not feel sexual attraction to someone. Sexual attraction being the pull to have sex with a person, based on that person, where as libido is more based on arousal. As for liking guys when you're turned on, I would say that you should take what you like when aroused with a grain of salt. Sexuality is more so about attraction more than a fantasy. Lots of straight women have fantasies about having sex with a woman, but that doesn't make them homosexual because outside of that context they don't feel any pull to have sex with a woman or be in a relationship with one. I'd assume the same happens with men. I would say, depending on how you feel attracted to people, you could be somewhere on the asexual spectrum. It's very common for asexual spectrum people to still enjoy the idea of sex, even if only when they are aroused, however some find it repulsive all of the time. Repulsion could also come fluidly. I personally tend to be repulsed always, but only with things involving the mouth--oral sex, kissing on the mouth.

About BlahTherapy is run by and was founded (April 2010) by a single individual who has had moments just like you - where we really needed to speak to someone. Today, BlahTherapy connects you with random strangers around the world who are willing to talk to you about your problems, as well as sharing their own. As a community, we've found that talking through our emotional, psychological, or mental issues is one of the best methods of releasing our anger, stress, depression or pain. Sharing and connecting with other strangers who are going through a struggles just like you provides great consolation to anyone in need of healing or a friend.