Sunday, April 28, 2013

Tom Thibodeau is a scary man. When he is not yelling at his team, he is usually yelling at the officials, or smashing his white board. My point is that he is almost always angry at something, so this is rare sight. Who knew a man who has chronic laryngitis from yelling at people, can make jokes or laugh for that matter.

How did Matt Barnes know that Zach was coming at him in a non-malicious manner? I mean with the bad blood between both teams, you would have expected a fight or something. After all, this did occur after a questionable flagrant foul call on Barnes. Oh well, GAME RECOGNIZE GAME, I guess. Also, I would like you to know that if a man, the size of Zach Randolph stumbles towards me, I would have done one of two things. The obvious is to poop my pants out of fear. Very normal. I am sure that would be the general reaction. The second, more poop. This of course would only be possible after a high fiber meal. No man can really have that lack of sphincter control. I apologize in advance for any disturbing mental images popped up during the reading of this senseless post, I probably should have warned you.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Insane, hectic, chaotic, and weird were a few words you can come up with when watching the reigning champs struggle in one of their worst games of the season. The pace was wild to start, and Miami just looked rush. They were trying to take care of business early and it did more bad than good. The Bucks are not a bad team and when you turn the ball over at the rate the Heat was in the first half, they can make it a game. Milwaukee played them close through all 3 quarters, holding LeBron to one of his worse shooting nights, with only 19 points on 6 of 14 shooting, 8 rebounds and 6 assists. Of course with one superstar down, another one steps up. Dwyane Wade had 21 on 8 of 14 and 7 boards, you can't stop them all. The momentum shifted in the 4th quarter, and the Heat, in a blink of an eye, went on a 12-0 run in the opening minutes, creating margin that the Bucks never recovered from. It also helped that the back court of the Bucks combined for 5 of 21 from the field for 15 points. They were just throwing prayers up mid way through the 4th. Only three Milwaukee players were in double digits. Ersan Ilyasova led the way with 21 (9 of 14) and 6 boards. This series is done. Let's move on.

The Celtics looked old. Their age has always been an area of concern, but they have fought back from way too many battles for us to merely dismiss them. Last night, however, told a different narrative. Boston was absolutely gassed by the 4th quarter. The defense that heavily relied on Kevin Garnett crumbled when he got in foul trouble. It took them nearly 24 seconds to get a shot up in every possession and nothing went in. Everything they worked for in the first half went to waste. The sad part was that, they had the Knicks. They outworked them, forced turnovers, caught them sleeping in transition, and got actual bench contribution. An upset was seemingly possible in the second half, and then this happened.

23 points on 19.4 percent shooting from the floor, the lowest field goal percentage in any half over the last 15 seasons. Make no mistake, the Knicks did up their defense in the second half, but it was in no way that effective. The Celtics just couldn't hit anything. Their offensive sets were a mess. The Knicks' sets weren't much better, relying on large doses of ISO. But they have Carmelo Anthony, who is capable of going off for 34 points (11 of 24) and 4 rebounds. The Celtics, have a shell of Paul Pierce, 18 points (8 of 19), 6 rebounds and 6 assists on a minute restriction. The next game will be played at the TD Garden in Boston, hopefully things will turn around as the Celtics pray to even the series at home.

Golden State Warriors 131 - Denver Nuggets 117

I know the final score suggests a high scoring game, but that's not all the case..SIKE. It was a shootout in mile high city and there was something special about watching the Warriors shoot OVER 9000% (sorry, I had to) from the field to tie the series up at 1 game a piece.

Game notes: Andre Iguodala went off early, with 12 points in the first quarter, and then he completely disappeared on both ends of the floor, finishing with a total 18 points, and 7 assists.

With the injury to David Lee, the Warriors went super small, starting Jarrett Jack, who seemed more content to draw fouls then passing it to the hot hand (Stephen Curry). Jack is great for this team, but he has to show control. Tunnel vision is not going to help you advance to the next round.

Also Harrison Barnes looked great at the 4. 24 points (9 of 14), and 6 boards is a pretty good indicator of his abilities. His speed and athleticism absolutely destroyed his opposition.

Kenneth Faried's return lacked the usual motor. Dude is definitely hurt and should have sat this one out.

After a slow first quarter, Stephen Curry went NOVA for the next three quarters, hitting everything in sight. Especially shots off of those nasty Andrew Bogut screens. He finished with 30 points (13 of 23), 5 rebounds, 13 dimes, 3 steals and one turnover. His back court partner, Klay Thompson, had 21 on 8 of 11 shooting.

This Warriors' win snaps Denver's 24 game home winning streak. The Nuggets have not lost in the Pepsi Center for 3 months until yesterday.

Final note - Golden State shot 65 percent from the field, and 56 from three, something that has never been done in a NBA playoff history. Cool.

“I don’t watch a lot of other basketball away from the gym,” Durant says. “But I do look at LeBron’s box score. I want to see how many points, rebounds and assists he had, and how he shot from the field. If he had 30 points, nine rebounds and eight assists, I can tell you exactly how he did it, what type of shots he made and who he passed to.” Durant and James take flak for their friendship, but it is based on a mutual appreciation of the craft. They aren't hanging out at the club. They are feverishly one-upping each other from afar. “People see two young black basketball players at the top of their game and think we should clash,” Durant says. “They want the conflict. They want the hate. They forget Bird cried for Magic. A friend was getting on me about this recently, and I said, ‘Calm down. I’m not taking it easy on him. Don’t you know I’m trying to destroy the guy every time I go on the court?’ ”

The classic "keep your friends close and enemies closer" trick. You are one sneaky dog, KD.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

They left 14 seconds on clock. The game was tied at 91 a piece. Memphis just executed the perfect pick and roll for the Marc Gasol bucket. One mistake. They left way too much time on the clock. As the buzzer sounds and players take the court for the final possession, there was a familiar feeling in the air. Chris Paul weaves past the defense to shed his initial defender. No use. He stuck to him like bee protecting his hive. One hesitation. Two hesitation. Nothing. Tony Allen had him where he wanted. Except he did not account for his immobilized help. Left with the smallest amount of space imaginable, Chris took the final drive. The ball hits glass and gently falls into the basket. The backboard lights up. The crowd explode in to cheers. The game was over. The point god stood on the side without a single sweat on his face. The Los Angeles Clippers have won. The heads of the Grizzlies lowers in disappointment. They will head home down 2 games, with the opportunity to return favor.

Game notes: Blake Griffin set the tone early, scoring 13 of his total 21 points (9-18) in the first quarter. Using pure athleticism to run circles around Zach Randolph. Blake also finished with 8 rebounds and 4 assists.

Even though it felt like the Clippers had control for the most part of this game, Memphis was always in winning distance. They were down 12 with 9 minutes in the 4th quarter, and still fought back to make things interesting down the stretch.

Chris Paul was the only Clipper to score in the last 7 minutes, scoring 8 of the team's final 10.

Mike Conley Jr. was absolutely brilliant in this game. He had a playoff career high 28 points on 9 of 18 shooting, and 9 assists. He's great for the Memphis team, but I can't help to imagine how much better he could be, on a team that is capable of running. He is devastating in transition.

The Memphis defense in the final play was all sorts of wrong. Tony Allen should have forced Chris to the left. And there is no reason to not help off of Matt Barnes in the case that Tony does need help. Also Lionel Hollins benched Z-Bo in the final 5 minutes after getting his fifth foul. Darell Arthur was great for those 2 minutes, but it wasn't particularly a wise move.

Chicago Bulls 90 - Brooklyn Nets 82

After an embarrassing blow out loss on Saturday night, the Chicago Bulls regrouped in typical Tom Thibodeau Chicago Bulls fashion in the second game to even up the series. The game itself wasn't pretty but the stifling Chicago defense that held the Brooklyn Nets to 35 percent shooting, was something to behold. The Brooklyn backcourt comprised of Deron Williams and Joe Johnson were completely rendered useless, combining for 25 points on 27 shots, which is kind of amazing when consider the fact that Kirk Hinrich and Nate Robinson were responsible for the two for the majority of the game. Brook Lopez did the most of the damage for the Nets, going for 21 points (7 of 14) and 5 rebounds. It should also be noted that Nazr Mohammed from Cretaceous Period, played actual minutes and was productive in all 18 with 8 points on 4 of 5 shooting, so there's that. The return of Joakim Noah was huge in this one, registering a double-double of 11 points and 10 boards. I am very aware that he was present in the first game, but the 13 minutes of limping in that loss wasn't exactly his best game. Noah's defensive presence was especially felt in the second half, including the 11 point third quarter allowed to the Nets and a number of incredible hustle plays down the stretch that sealed the win.

The Miami Heat might be playing for champagne, but the occasional beer is always fun. Just don't invited Chris "The Birdman" Andersen to the party, no one wants to walk down that road again. But knowing the big dork that Shane Battier is, there is probably nothing to worry about.

Monday, April 22, 2013

The New York Knicks laid the pipe down on the Boston Celtics to take the first lead in a potential 7 game series. Carmelo Anthony was very much like his scoring champion self, going off for 36 points on 13 of 29 shooting, 6 rebounds, 4 steals and dishing his only assist of the afternoon to Kenyon Martin for the game sealing lay-up. The rest of his Knicks teammates weren't of much help with only three other players in double figures. But it wasn't necessarily their fault either, with Melo playing ISO for the majority of the game, the beautiful New York ball movement that initially got them here, wasn't in play. Fortunately, their opponents could not buy a shot either, going absolute zero in the second half, scoring only 8 points in the 4th quarter, to add to the 8 of 20 total turnovers they had in the final 12 minutes. It wasn't all bad though, Jeff Green did have a huge first half (26 on 8 of 15 shooting, and 7 rebounds), before fading to the background.

#PIPE

Denver Nuggets 97 - Golden State Warriors 95

The Nuggets defeated the visiting Warriors because we all predicted that 37 year old Andre Miller and his magical baby hair would come off the bench for 28 points on 11 of 15 shooting, 5 assists, and to score the game winning basket against their opponents, on that dust covered body of his, right? I mean, it only makes sense that the hunched back, back up point guard of Denver would use his rather large bottom to bully his defenders for 28 points. In all seriousness, the Nuggets played a great game, holding Stephen Curry to 7 of 20 shooting for 19 points and 9 assists is not easy. But you have to feel for the Warriors, losing David Lee at this stage to a tore right hip flexor does nothing good to their second round odds. Get well, soon, fellow lefty.

Brooklyn Nets 106 - Chicago Bulls 89

To sum this up quickly, the Brooklyn Nets scored 35 points in the second quarter on an incredible 80 percent shooting, while the Chicago Bulls finished the first half with only 35 points. The Nets had a 35 point lead by halftime and if you take a look at the final score, it clearly didn't get any better for the Bulls.

This .GIF is pretty much the current state of Chicago, and unless Joakim Noah gets healthy, this will end in five. That or Derrick Rose comes back, but that is highly unlikely to happen and even if it does, there are no guarantees.

Los Angeles Clippers 112 - Memphis Grizzlies 91

In the rematch of the two hated rivals that met in the first round of last year's playoffs, things, for the most part were close, at least it was until it got to the fourth quarter, where this happened.

Despite of their size, the Memphis Grizzlies got dominated on the glass, grabbing an embarrassing 23 boards compared to Clippers' 47. Chris Paul finished with a game-high 23 points (7 of 11), and 7 assists in the win. The Clippers out-shot Memphis 74 to 71, hitting 55 percent of their attempts, while their opponents shot 47 percent from the floor.

Indiana Pacers 107 - Atlanta Hawks 90
The Pacers won and the Hawks lost. So let's just leave it at that. I don't want to waste any words on the series that no one wanted and are subjected to watch Josh Smith throw up bricks after bricks from three point land. You wouldn't want to end up like this fella here, would you?

Anyway, Paul George went off for his second career playoff triple double to become the first Pacer since Mark Jackson in 1998 to do it. He had a game high 23 points on a poor 3 of 13 shooting, 11 boards and 12 assists in the victory.San Antonio Spurs 91 - Los Angeles Lakers 79

Kobe is great on Twitter and all, but unless he is in uniform, the Lakers have no shot at beating the Spurs and this first game is enough to prove it. The Spurs, despite shooting a horrible 38 percent from the field won handily with a injured Tony Parker, who had 18 points on 21 shots and 8 assists. Manu's God Mode self was back, hitting 3 of 5 from beyond the arc for his 18 points. Tim Duncan added 17 and 10 in their first win of the series. Dwight Howard led his team with 20 points (8 of 12) and 15 boards. The Lakers played them close early, but the lack of depth and defense is not exactly the formula they need to get past the first round.

Miami Heat 110 - Miwaukee Bucks 87

As expected, the Miami Heat took care of the Milwaukee Bucks in the first game of what will be a very short series. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we should just advance the Heat to the next round. This is completely pointless, but here are some LeBron stats: 27 points on 9 of 11 shooting, including 8 of 9 from inside the paint. He also had 10 rebounds and 8 assists in 35 minutes to flirt with a triple double, because he can.

The Rockets shot 36 percent from the field. The Thunder shot 53 percent.
James Harden had 20 points on 19 shots. Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook combined for 43 on 30 shots.
And these are James Harden's tears.

I know this one is a little late, and it looks kind of rushed, but I promise the next one would be better and not full of .GIFs. That is unless you want it to be. You can't see it, but I am winking at you right now. And totally not in the creepiest way possible.

Friday, April 19, 2013

The following quotes are an actual thing and are in no way fictional for comedic purposes. These were the exact words Dwight Howard had for his teammates before their win over the Houston Rockets.

Howard immediately broke into character as a warrior from the movie “300″ clenching both his muscles and his lower jaw.

“Listen, they don’t think we can do it,” Howard said as he paced in front of a few cameraman. “It’s 300 of us against all the Persians! We have to come out tonight. We got to look death in the eyes and say we don’t care if we die! We go hard!”

Howard then starting mentioning members of the Lakers, including himself.

“Kobe is watching us at home,” Howard said. “Dr Buss is watching us up high! Let’s let it out tonight! Everything we got! Everything! Leave it on the floor! Pau, put your big boy pants on! Dwight, hit your free throws! Jodie, hit those threes boy! Now let’s get it! Now let’s bring it in! Hoorah!”

Hey guys, I just want to give you an update on what is going to go on with the blog during the NBA Playoffs. For starters, the Round Up will return, I know I have slacked off for the past week, but it's coming back and could possibly be better. As for everything else, it should stay the same. Or get weirder. Anyways, thanks for reading. Stay safe.

Considering that this song was the official anthem of the 90's, and one of the very few songs that I know the exact lyrics to, (excluding the extensive list of theme songs of popular tv shows), I am terribly disappointed in Tony Allen. He did pull off a great impression of that drunk uncle at your "insert holiday here* dinner party, if that was what he was going for. But butchering this song is still unforgivable, even if he was raising money to help juvenile offenders.

Update: He also did Michael Jackson's "Rock with U" and it was incomprehensible.

Because swearing at an inanimate object has always fixed our problems Via: Reddit

That's a little harsh, Dwight. What did it ever do to you? It's not like it left an entire city after promising it would stay and then packed it's bags to Los Angeles to join a team of the best regulation basketball hoops, only to struggle to make it in to the playoffs.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Streakbusters: The Chicago Bulls ends another winning streak in the victory over the New York Knicks to complete a season sweep of their potential second round match up of the NBA playoffs. Carmelo Anthony showed no signs of slowing down on a back-to-back, continuing his offensive dominance with a game-high 36 points on 13 of 24 shooting and 19 rebounds (the most he has ever had as a Knick) to become the first Knick to score 35+ points in 6 straight games. J.R. Smith came off the bench for 28 points (on a rather inefficient 27 shots) and 14 boards. The Bulls were supposed to become the 14th victim of the New York streak. But instead, they fought back from a 15 point deficit in the third to the cut the lead to 2, on 11 of Jimmy Butler's 22 points, (who also finished with 14 boards) to begin fourth quarter. Where little Nate Robinson took over, exploding for 18 of his total 35 (10 of 18) in the final period. But Nate is not Nate unless he does something stupid, like throwing up a prayer of a floater with the score tied and 14 seconds remaining on the clock. Fortunately, it worked out to his favor, as Carmelo misses the game winner on the other end, and the Bulls take it in overtime.

Top of the West: The Oklahoma City Thunder climbs right to the top of the west in a easy one against the Golden State Warriors. Kevin Durant led the way with a near triple double, going off for 31 points on 10 of 16 shooting, 10 rebounds and 8 assists. Russell Westbrook added 18 points on 17 shots, and 9 dimes. Kevin Martin came off the bench for 23 points (8 of 10) in his most efficient game of the season. The score was still close at half time, but the Thunder went on a scoring barrage in the third to pull away, outscoring the Warriors in every single quarter in the win. Stephen Curry had 22 points (9 of 18), and 7 assists, while his teammates not named Jarrett Jack and David Lee made little to no impact. Especially Andrew Bogut, who left 9 minutes in, after spraining an ankle. Please get better.

Jesus, Russell Westbrook, how on Earth did you block Stephen Curry's shot into the backboard, that should not be possible. Also, totally not cool for Jarrett Jack to push Festus Ezeli into the poster, there is a right way to do rookie hazing and this is not it.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Chris Bosh(strich) didn't play so he wasn't available to steal camera time from Mike Miller, but I am glad we got a fill in bird for him. Since no one has really ever identified what kind of of bird, the Birdman really resembles, I have decided to take it upon myself to do so. Based off the amount of green and tattoos he has, he is definitely a peacock. Also bonus teammate points for Rashard Lewis for plugging Mike Miller's energy drink, yes, that actually exists and the homepage of the product is the funniest thing ever.

You know those running pranks that you would always pull on your friends and it will always be funny? This is that same thing (well, not exactly.) Two other teams (Brooklyn Nets and Cleveland Cavaliers) might have already done it, but you really can't do anything worse than filling up a rookie's car with popcorn. I am just sorry it happened to Kent Bazemore, master of bench celebrations. I really hope that it won't affect his next performance. Maybe he should put his car keys in a safer place next time.

Oranges: The Washington Wizards have not won against the New York Knicks in the Madison Square Garden since 2006 and things didn't change last night, when Carmelo Anthony lit them up for 36 points (21 in the 3rd) on 13 of 21 shooting, 8 rebounds and 6 assists to extend their winning streak to 13. The Knicks could not miss a thing, shooting a ridiculous 56 percent from beyond the arc for a franchise record tying 20 three pointers to earn their first Atlantic Division title since 1994. John Wall of the Wizards had 33 points on 11 of 19 shooting in the 21 point loss.

Don't Call it a Comeback: Down 20 at the start of the 4th quarter, the Indiana Pacers, fueled by a late ejection of their coach, Frank Vogel, outscored the Cleveland Cavaliers 35 to 10 in the miraculous come back win at home. George Hill led the way with a team high 27 points on 9 of 15 shooting, 4 assists and 4 steals. Jeff Pendergraph didn't do much offensively, but he came off the bench with the biggest defensive play of the night, drawing a charge on a late Kyrie Irving drive in the final 16 seconds to help seal it for the Pacers. Kyrie finished with 29 points (10 of 20) and 7 assists in the beautifully executed tank job.

Cold Blooded: Kobe Bryant willed the Lakers to another seemingly impossible win for the Lakers, going off for 23 of his total 30 points (6 rebounds, 6 assists and 5 steals) in the 4th quarter against the New Orleans Hornets. Pau Gasol was huge in this one, abusing rookie, Anthony Davis for 22 points (9 of 15), and 11 boards down in the block.

A Few Notes: LeBron James and the Dwyane Wade-less, Chris Bosh-less Miami Heat rolled past their potential first round match up of the playoffs, the Milwaukee Bucks for a franchise record tying 61 wins. Fun fact, the Heat are 6-0 when LeBron plays without the other two superstars, so they are obviously useless. The reigning MVP finished with 28 points (11 of 16), 7 boards and 7 dimes, while Brandon Jennings led his team with 30 points on 10 of 16 shooting and 4 assists, as the only Buck in double figures.

The Golden State Warriors clinched playoff berth for the second time in 19 years in the win over the Minnesota Timberwolves on Tuesday night. Klay Thompson was absolutely unstoppable, exploding for 25 points in the first half on 9 of 11 shooting, before cooling down with a total of 30 points (10 of 19) and 5 steals. Stephen Curry wasn't shy either, hitting 9 of 21 from the field for 24 points and 10 assists. Minnesota kept it close for the most part, but getting outscored by 15 in the second half, when you never had a lead in this game, makes it really hard to comeback.

Fantasy Shoutouts: Rebounding machine, Reggie Evans of the Brooklyn Nets, who displays strong resemblance to actual ogres, grabbed 24 rebounds, 3 short of tying the Nets' franchise record of 27, to go with his 17 points on 6 of 10 shooting. His teammate, Brook Lopez added 29 points (13 of 22) and 11 boards in the victory over the 38 percent shooting Philadelphia 76ers.

Chicago Bulls' sophomore, Jimmy Butler had a career night, going off for a career high 28 points on 10 of 12 shooting and 7 rebounds in one of those rare Toronto Raptors' close wins.

Yep, definitely not drugged up at all in his first game after returning from knee surgery, 12 days ago. Totally not suspicious. Of course, this is Metta World Peace and this behavior is completely normal, but still.

When you are a 34 year old veteran on a lottery team looking to rebuild in the draft, there will be a point in your career where the possibility of retirement settles in your mind. That time is now for Jermaine O'neal. Don't get me wrong, Jermaine have had a wonderful NBA career, and was once, one of the best at his position before injuries started to chip away at his career. While the Godsend Phoenix Suns trainers have done a miraculous job in restoring some of his missing athletic ability, you can not reverse old, and goal-tending a potential game winning three pointer at the buzzer to give away a win to your opponents is not greatest way to keep employed. But I could be totally wrong, and this could just be the most brilliant tank job in NBA history.

Scene.
Note: Great defensive effort by Monta Ellis, while everyone stood in awe, he played with his heart out there. (This is sarcasm, of course. Just needed to make sure that was picked up).

Also note: Mike Miller was overheard thanking LeBron for saving him from potential career ending knee injuries, because had him went up for the lob, every bone in his body would have shattered upon landing.

Boris Diaw might be late to the party, with the Harlem Shake being a fad and all, but it is the most creative out of all the NBA players that participated in the movement. Anything that involves Lego gets my vote, even if my 5 year old self, once got one of those yellow Lego heads stuck so far up my nose that I had to go to the hospital to remove it. I don't remember much of the incident, apparently I sneezed all over the doctor's face when he was going through my nose with a pair of tweezers. This is all according to my mom of course, who may or may not be a compulsive liar.

What could you have possibly done in your past life to anger the Basketball Gods? I mean you must have done something horrible like raiding an entire village or worst, going through an express checkout with more than the limited items and proceeding to pay in all change without any shame, as everyone in line wishes death upon you. At least Brandon read up on his bear survival guide, everyone knows that when dealing with a bear, you must pretend that you are no longer living. There wasn't much he could have done anyways, it's not like you would get up after getting bulldozed by a human bear.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Ryan Hollins needs to be shipped to some isolated island, and be left alone forever. Maybe he will make some animal friends along the way, but they will eventually desert him after learning who he really is. This dude is the worst.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

There are a few things you need to know about New York Knicks' sophomore, Iman Shumpert. He raps with a shoe on his head, he is sponsored by Adidas, he has the highest of hi-top fades, and on Friday night vs. Bucks, he debuted a new addition to his hair with a Adidas logo shaved in to the back of his head. But what Iman didn't know was that, this was against league rules, so he had to remove it in order to prevent any further fines that his non-Michael Jordan salary can afford, leaving him a rather noticeable triangular bald spot in it's place. It's not all that bad though, at least you can pass it off as some weird tribute to a specific veteran teammate that is nursing an injury on the bench. I am sure Rasheed Wallace and his circular patch of bald would be honored in some way.