This my first visit here, so not sure what is the normal procedure is regarding a first thread. My spirituality has been growing and wanning all my life. From my memories of astral travel as a child, which excited me and worried me a bit too when I found myself hanging around the ceiling! For some reason I didn't see this as one for the breakfast table so it stayed a rather shameful secret. When I went to school and realized I preferred being around animals rather than people I wasn't setting myself up for the best time. I was abandoned by my father, and then a 2nd marriage meant I had a new family that I felt peripheral to. The only exception was my grandparents who loved e absolutely and openly.
Trying to find a place to belong with the expectation of not belonging! I had two near drownings, one as a kid, and one in my 20's on the Zambizee. My first experience of how trauma can cause a split. As far as I was aware I was dead, I had surrended and accepted it, but the guide climbed on the upturned boat and heard a voice call "Muuuummmmm" and so I was saved! I have no recall of calling out, as far as I was aware I was gone. I was in a car crash too and wasn't wearing a seat belt. Time slowed down so much that I had time to gather my thoughts and act in order to stop my head hitting the window. I was also able to regisister shock when my Grandmother swore! All that in the coupld of seconds it took us to spin across the road and hit a barrier (that I'd have been wearing had I been wearing my seatbelt). So now I have a felt experience of personality split, surrender and struggle and the lie of linear time. My instincts have always been pretty good and kept me out of harms way. I did psychotherapy and thought maybe that you help me find the questions that were lacking. My grandmother died and I sat beside her and with all the strange sensations that were felt in the room, the effect on her of being given permission to go, I didn't feel we were in that room alone. I don't believe she left there unaccompanied, and when she drew her last breath, I knew she had gone, I saw her body as absolutely dead, and almost immediately not hers anymore, when the spark had gone, the body was just a shell. But the spark, I felt strongly that that was not diminished by the demise of the physical form. It was my first experienced based belief that death is not an end but a state of transition.
Psychotherapy couldn't give me all the answers, so i am studying shamanism and transpersonal therapy and that is answering more. However in the interim I have had a couple of ayahuasca experiences which showed me the divine/pure consciousness, and invited me to go. Inaively thought that meant I had to decide there and then if I'did I'd die there and then so because of parental responsibility I said no,
After the experience I could see the illusion so clearly. I was help supported, loved unconditionaly, I felt no doubt or shame. As time has passed I find my link to source slipping and doubt at my felt knowing is diminishing. Been journalling goodo and reading EVERYTHING! trying to grt back to that sense of connection. I feel I'm a bit in no mans world, that experience means I'm not the same me I was before my journey and being here more and more, I am not the same me that I was in that visit to heaven. How to live in the illusion while being aware of the illusion? Also, how is this work necessary...how did we get to this place of forgetfulness? And now that so many are waking up we are being pulled back in to the matrix of fear and distraction. Anyone got a pocket travel guide for how best to navigate?

Hello Donijka... welcome to site and forum.. thank you for sharing your "story". Hope you find here what you are looking for!

Up and down , feeling connected and not feeling connected -- to me is all part of the spiritual journey. Been on path for last 50 years -- and to me it is learning to just accept where we are and connect as deeply as we can in the Present. Excepting the relative illusion of it all is part of growth process. It is Maya AND it is all blissful and loving all at the same time.

Books which I found helpful, which i posted on another thread is "Journey of Souls" and "Destiny of Souls" by Dr Michael Newton. About Life between Lives ..touching about how our Souls chooses a life and lessons to deal with in that life.

Seems the Library on site is down now.. so will post the PDF file to the first title here again.

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep ... People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch. The door is round and open. Don’t go back to sleep ... Rumi

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It seems your journey so far has been some roller coaster. When you have figured how to navigate the forums, you will find there are several thousand threads and posts where members describe and discuss life/spiritual experiences. Because there are so many of these items, our administrators have deemed it best to archive a big percentage.

You appear to know your way around, so my advice to you and other searchers is to 'get surfin'.

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