Wednesday, 29 July 2009

As I was saying.....and now comes the dirty part (hope I don't disappoint).......

My days as a 'stay-at-home-mum' are numbered. I can count them on one hand. To recap: I don't really want to return to work but I have little choice.

I've been berating myself because out of nowhere I am suddenly an aspiring housewife. There's been a whole spin cycle of thoughts going round in my head. Then, when I read back a line like that I think to myself, shit! If I'm thinking in domestic appliance metaphors I need to get the fuck back to work.

Didn't I used to be a feminist? Through all these frustrations and moments of self-loathing I keep placating myself with the word 'choice'. Women didn't fight for the right to vote and return to work after childbearing, they fought for the right to choose to do those things. The kick in the teeth here is that we still don't really have much choice. Now the buggers have wangled it so that we think we have equality but really we're fucked every way we look. And I mean fucked. Think about it.

These days we have to bring up children and do the majority of the housework. We also have to work so that we can pay the mortgage on our overpriced houses that we then spend the rest of our lives cleaning. Not only do we still do most of the child-rearing but on top of everything else we have to be 'Yummy Mummies' getting back into our skinny jeans within two weeks of giving birth, change nappies whilst wearing false nails, cook sumptuous feasts like Nigella Lawson and take it up the arse. Yes, you read that right. Take it up the arse.

It really bugs me that, for men, anal sex has become a desirable right of passage (pun intended). Yes, I've heard that some women like it and this minority make it pretty shitty for the rest of us (OK I'm all out of puns now)..........actually come to think of it it's only ever men that tell me that women enjoy being sodomised. No woman has ever confided in me, a love of buggery. OK, maybe one, but she was going through a very difficult pregnancy which resulted in her crashing a PC and a laptop with her insatiable appetite for back-passage internet porn - but that's a story for another day. Within this context anal sex is wholly acceptable and besides, I think she had a preference for watching it. So if any ladies out there want to prove me wrong, go ahead and declare yourselves.....

I don't know about you but I can't help thinking that if this is what they call equality, then it fucking sucks. Drag me back to the 1970's where I can be a happy housewife, watch Miss World, bake meatloaf and get a patronising pat on the arse once in a while (actually far less offensive than a penis up your arse). Miss World may have been demeaning to women but at least those women ate. Today we're supposed to look up to a bunch of airbrushed anorexics wearing clothes we can't afford. And as for meatloaf, your husband was fucking pleased to get meatloaf back in those days. At least you knew where you were in the 70's and you weren't being fobbed off with some pseudo-equality: patriarchy dressed up in drag. Don't listen to those bastards when they tell you that everything is becoming feminised....it's a pile of shit.

OK. Rant over. I smell bad and I have no wine. I'm going to get a bath and drink my nail polish remover and hope that my arse isn't required tonight.

I love it up the arse. Seriously. But I have a loving man who doesn't treat my arse like a porn stars arse and is gentle with it. I have had multiple orgasm's from Anal. But that said, I don't judge anyone who doesn't like it. I would never let anyone piss on me and I have a friend who loves it...gross.

About Me

Bad blogger, bad parent and all round bad girl.
I'm 33 and living with a Jamaican man of the same age. We have one son and a daughter thanks to some very strong cocktails and bad family planning.
I think our relationship works because he doesn't say much and we don't really understand one another when we do talk.
Despite being a 'mother' I can't remove stains from things, rarely iron and HATE 'playdates'.
I love a good blog but don't get the time much these days. I'm one of those horrible bloggers who almost never replies to your comments. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, come on in......