My Natural Born Talent, Part Two

September 01, 2010

At some point, while working very, very hard on my very, very important coloring book, I obviously decided that I was done with writing stand-alone stories about each of the pictures (either that or I simply didn't know how to tie the rest of them to JESUS GOD SON and/or the lovly Indians). Instead I tried to create a cast of recurring characters:

Translation:

Hi. we are bestfriends. we play together all (triple underline!!!1!) the time.(we're also brothers and sisters!) our m names are; Kate, Jenny,Sarah, Johnny, Minnieand Flora. Sometimeswe fight, but we make up! JennyLet's us ride hermule, Senny. Which welike.

TheEnd

By this point in my young life, most (if not all) of my much-older half-siblings were graduating from high school and moving out of the house. So I was far too busy constructing elaborate wish-fulfillment scenarios about lots! of sisters! who would play with me! all the time! to ever notice or write any reasons why Kate, Jenny and Minnie HAD NO FUCKING EYEBALLS OR FACIAL FEATURES.

You see what I did there? That little "I'm Sarah" that totally ties the characters together and makes it all circular and connected and stuff? Oh, yes. And I would do it for PAGES and PAGES more. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW BOOKS ARE WRITTEN. FACT.

My older brother and sister just went to see Ghostbusters without me so I'm just gonna sit here and color beutiful shooting rainbow stars and then cry about it, probably.

There are seven sets of parentheses on this page. SEVEN.

Translation:

I am rapidly losing interest in this undertaking.Fuck this.

Yo, Kate, Jenny, Sarah, Flora here. Whaddup. We're OUT. PEACE.

*DROPS MIKE*

I don't remember presenting this book to my parents -- whether I wrapped it or made a big deal about it or was just like, "here, I have no money, Merry Christmas." However, if you perhaps are looking for the perfect gift for someone, I would like to point out that this exact book is STILL AVAILABLE online, for $2.50, which is probably what my parents paid for it in 1983. (Shipping will cost ya seven bucks though. Inflation!) I can certain attest to the fact it indeed did bring me years and years of enjoyment, right up until this moment right now. Give the gift of DREAM HORSES today!

My mom has passed my wise tomes on to me, but I have not been brave enough to release them upon my masses (all three of them).

I do have to say, I have long been a fan of de Grazia (viva la Tuscon!) and your pictures really, *really* threw me off. My brain was all "eh....hmmmm.....uhhh...HUH?" because well....the coloring was just not, um, quite right. Then, you brought me back down to sanity when I realized it was a COLORING book.

I started off yesterday being sort of thankful that my mother has probably lost everything like this I ever made for her.

But by the end of post two, I find myself coming around to wishing I could dig up my long-lost childhood writings, because this is ready-made comedy gold.

BTW I when I was a kid I used to HATE girls who dotted their Is with circles. Totally secretly, of course - I had a proper liberal upbringing and thus would never have revealed my terrible I-circle bigotry to the world. But having read this I find I would have had to have liked you, had I met you when we were kids despite the circle thing. To think - you could have cured me of a secret prejudice with your lovly Indians.

Oh, you were one of the cool girls who dotted her "i" with a circle! (I really thought that way)

I always wanted to be one of those, but I would forget until I was halfway through a paragraph or sentence. Then I decided it would make me look like a faker if I only had half the "i"s with circle dots...

Agree on the circle dots. Only the cool girls dotted their i's with circles. I didn't have the balls, the few times I tried I felt like a wannabe poser.

Do you remember paint pens, where semi-professionals would personalize t-shirts and all manner of plastic container, they would put a dot at the end of all the lines in each letter? I tried to do that for a little while, but it was exhausting.

Dude, I cannot express how entertaining I find your blog. I'm sitting here, in my office, with tears of mirth streaming down my face while I gnaw on my fist to keep myself from screaming with laughter.

Dude, I cannot express how entertaining I find your blog. I'm sitting here, in my office, with tears of mirth streaming down my face while I gnaw on my fist to keep myself from screaming with laughter.