My VBAC journey: beginning, middle and end.

I honestly thought I would be writing about my VBAC journey in November. The beginning is easy. The middle has some hiccups, but the end? The end hurts. And I know it shouldn’t. And even if it all turns out ok, it is still the end. It has to be.

Beginning

I wasn’t sure I would be ‘allowed’ to even consider a VBAC. After three sections, surely my body was too broken now to deliver a baby by itself? Perhaps it was never really meant to do it in the first place? I wasn’t sure. But I found support in the most surprising of places. Online, in doctor’s consulting rooms, at home. It seemed that most people thought it wasn’t such a ridiculous idea at all. All I needed to do was figure out why I wanted to do it.

Why risk another emergency section?

Why go through the pain and anxiety of labour?

Why not choose an elective section, where I could be in control of when and where?

Why should I?

My body should have been made for birthing. I have all the correct parts, they all seem to work ok. Why shouldn’t I give birth? I was so sure I was able to conquer the fears that had plagued me during those first two births. I listened to Natal Hypnotherapy CDs. I researched online. I talked to other women, and suddenly I realised that the biggest battle I faced wasn’t to get the doctors to agree. After all, I have every right to refuse every intervention I want. I have the right to ignore doctor’s orders. I have the right to demand the type of birth I want. No, the doctors were not the problem. It was me.

Despite knowing that I wanted a VBAC, I still didn’t know why. I was still scared.

The middle

Then I read Ina May Gaskin’s guide to childbirth and it all changed for me.

All of a sudden my body was capable of this too. Of making, nurturing and delivering. It wasn’t me that had been broken all along. It was circumstance. It was fear. It was lack of self belief. It was anxiety linked to previous experiences. It was a lack of understanding of the complex systems involved in childbirth. It was not knowing just how amazing my body could be. Would be.

I suddenly thought how ridiculous to ever think I wouldn’t be able to do this. And how wonderful it was going to be, to bring my baby into this world by myself. To have my hands be the first to hold, my voice be the first to be heard. To feel my baby enter the world. To see it. To live it.

And the pain? Yes, the pain was all part of it. A pain with a reason. A force. A purpose. Physical. Only physical.

I literally floated after I read that book. Nothing was too big to conquer! If giving birth was so hard, so impossible, the human race would be in trouble. But it’s not. Giving birth was something that my body was made to do.

The end

It has been so hard to accept the end. So silly, when you are told that the birth is just one day. Only I know too well that it’s not just one day.

The deal was always this: wait and see what the growth scans tell us, then we green light your VBAC. And for me, it was: the growth scans will tell them what I’ve already told them. My babies are always small, it won’t affect my VBAC.

Now the deal has changed. Now there will not be a VBAC.

Now, my body really has failed. It isn’t keeping up with the demands of the job it has previously done so well. It isn’t nourishing my baby. And a baby who is weak from lack of oxygen and nutrients is not going to fare well in labour and birth. A baby with siblings who were also small for gestational age, and who experienced distress during labour is not going to make the doctors green light anything. A baby who might be better outside than inside does not make it’s mother a good candidate for a VBAC.

And what of it anyway? It’s better for baby to be healthy and delivered safely into the arms of a doctor. It is better for baby to be taken before it is ready, to be inserted with wires and to leave me prematurely so that it has a chance. It is better. I know it is better.

And if all of this has been a mistake, or my body decides that it can do this one last time, it is still the end. I cannot and will not face the anxiety and fear of a birth laced with what ifs. What if there is something wrong, after all? What if my body really wasn’t designed to birth a baby? What if going to term was the worst mistake we ever could have made? What if a VBAC is not the right decision for me?

Perhaps it was never meant to be. Perhaps the whole VBAC dream was just that- a dream. Perhaps I’m playing it safe. Perhaps these last few weeks of waiting for it all to go wrong have been for a reason.

The future

This baby will not be a VBAC baby. This is where the journey ends. And I am fine with that. It hurts, but I am fine. I want whatever is safest for my baby and I. The only question that remains is when. The nappies have been bought and the bags have been packed. And I do not know if sooner or later is better or worse.

Reader Interactions

Comments

Oh my love. What a painful post this must have been to write. I feel your pain, I really do. I have had 3 sections, and if there was ever another I would love a VBAC, but I just know that a combination of large babies and 2 premature births would mean no green light for me either. I have felt a failure on SO many occasions, and I know it’s silly, I know it’s just one day, but somehow that doesn’t stop it hurting. Gentle hugs my lovely, take care of yourself. I know me saying this won’t make it better, but you are NOT a failure at all. Just look at those beautiful children around you xx

Thank you lovely lady. I know it is hard to accept some things when you’ve been through situations like this. But I think that this is the only way I will get through the rest of the pregnancy now. I feel stronger for having written this x x

I’m sorry you won’t get that VBAC lovely lady – but we both know, from experience, that much as we will always feel sad and a little cheated that we didn’t get to “give birth properly” – a healthy baby in your arms is SO much more important. I think you do right to lay it to rest in your own mind now, to take back some control for your own sanity and let yourself focus on getting that baby here x x x

You and your body are not failing. Anyone can see what an amazing mother you are who nurtures and grows your children. I really wish you all the luck, i just wanted to thank you for writing so honestly about your feelings. It brings back memories.

I’ve been thinking of you so much lately, knowing how hard it all must be for you. My mom had five children, all C-Sections because she just couldn’t do a vaginal birth. She has always felt like she missed out, but she’s also always said that at the end of the day, she was just grateful for her kids.

I know it’s easy to brush off when people say the birth is only one day… but it IS true. The ordeal of bringing a baby into the world is all in the months leading up to the birth. THAT is what is hard. You give up everything to be the life support for your child, and it is hard and wonderful and scary and amazing. Some people can’t have kids at all. Some can only do it with interventions. Some have amazing birth stories and some have nightmare ones. We’re all different, and none of our stories make us any less our babies’ mothers.

You have a great attitude, and your baby is in the best place for now. When the time comes, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, everyone – you, your family, the doctors and nurses and midwives – will all do their very best to make the right decisions. I hope very much that your baby stays put and gets as much time as possible, and I hope very much that when it comes out, everything will work out for the best.

I know I’m not the only one sending the most positive thoughts your way. xx

Thanks lovely, I really appreciate your kind words and support. I feel strangely liberated after writing this and knowing that I’ve made the right decision. I think this time, the birth really will be just one day and you’re right. All of this leading up to it is the hardest part now. I just wish there was a way to know that all is well and we’re doing the right thing x x

Collette B shared your post on facebook and i’m so glad she did. Thanks for your honesty; the sorrow and pain comes right through. It’s helpful to know that you’ve reached acceptance and come to terms with it. You’re definitely not a failure; some things are just outside our control no mater how hard we try and how best we prepare and desire; i suppose it’s life. C-section is another way of birthing, a valid alternative to V-birthing and no less to it. It’s wonderful you’ve chosen the best for your child and yourself in this situation, despite the pain of hope of deferred. I sincerely wish you all the best and pray that it all goes well. Thanks again for sharing, from deep within.

Thank you so much for your lovely comment. I know that a section is the right thing for us now. I had been ready to fight it but when it comes down to it, I can’t not accept that something could go very wrong- and I’ve been there before unfortunately. Thanks for your support, it really does mean a lot x x

Aww hun! I know you had your heart set on a VBAC. I’m sorry to hear that this is now not an option for you but please try not to feel bad about it hun. It doesn’t matter how baby gets here, as long as they get here safely for both of you. I know these words may not give you much comfort at this time but I am so looking forward to hearing about your new little one when he/she makes their arrival, whether that be soon or not. You have been so strong during all this and I am sure you will be strong even more so when little poppyseed comes. hugs xx

Oh S I had to read this twice, im really sorry about the no VBAC, I know it’s like the end of a massive journey for you to come to this decision. I hope it lifts a burden in a weird way as the decision has been made. Sending you lots of hugs. Xx

I hope writing that and getting it all out felt cathartic lovely. I’m glad you have made peace with the situation and are fine with it. On the bright side at least you know exactly what you’re up against now, no surprises. Big hugs xxx #sharewithme

So sorry to read that the VBAC has been denied to you after you had got yourself in the right place mentally and were feeling so positive. I hope all goes well with the C-section and it’s not too early. Take it easy for the next few weeks.

This post brought tears to my eyes. It seems to have been a difficult journey for you to come to the realisation that VBAC is not for you and I’m sorry. But I do not believe for one second that it is your body failing you. Rather, that you are lucky that your have people whose interests are doing what ls best for you and your baby. You’re in my thoughts.

This must have been a difficult post to write, lovely. I know how much you wanted that VBAC, and how anxious a time you have had with this baby’s development. You haven’t failed at all – unfortunately as I know all too well things go wrong and there is, frustratingly, no reason for it. You’re doing a fab job, and every day that baby spends in there is a bonus. It must have been tough to come to terms with it all, but you can channel your energies into a positive outcome for you and your baby, and taking your precious new little baby home. Much love. xxx #sharewithme

Oh I am so sorry, not because I consider it in any way shape or form any sort of failure, but because I know how much you wanted a VBAC. And it’s OK to be sad about the loss of that dream, but I hope that even though it isn’t what you’d originally planned you can still make it a lovely birth experience, whenever that may be.

I read this last night, but was just too tired to comment properly. I’m so sorry to hear that your journey hasn’t ended the way you wanted it to. I can completely understand your feelings, I have had three sections and never given birth ‘properly’, but you know what, there is no properly, there is only what’s best. You have to do what is best for your health and the health of your baby. I know that it is easy to say that the birth is only one day, harder to believe, but it is true. Strangely, while I have felt that things didn’t go the way they were ‘supposed’ to, I have never felt cheated, just grateful that things went the way they needed to, and my first child arrived safely. It could have been a very different story. It may not be what you were hoping for, but having had two elective sections, I have to say that the calmness, quiet and ability to focus on the birth of your child, to not be tired and traumatised (as I was after my emergency Section), is really quite a wonderful thing. It might not be a ‘natural’ birth, but it is every bit as amazing. #sharewithme

Oddly, I have also never felt cheated by having a section, although this time I really do feel that way a little. I think with all the other issues going on, the birth itself is not so huge to me now. I just want baby here, safe and well. Thanks for your lovely comment x x x

Ah lovely, I am so sorry to hear it is not working out the way you hoped… But like you say it is better to be safe and to make sure your baby is safe, than risk going against the Drs. I totally understand your feelings about a natural birth and still have a tiny chance of a vbac though it is looking unlikely. I try and remind myself we are lucky that we live in the time of modern medicine and have the options available to us for a c section. Doesn’t help much but does a bit. Best of luck lovely for whenever it turns out to be! Xx

You’re right- we are lucky. In other countries this could all have been missed and I dread to think what could happen then. I know we are being looked after and I know it will be ok in the end. Just got to get there! x x x

I’m so sorry you’re not going to get the vbac you hoped. At least now you’re able to take back a little control when you most need it. I hope that writing all this down has helped a bit too. Doing what’s best for you and your baby is the most important thing, but I’m sure it doesn’t make it any easier to accept you can’t have the birth you wanted. Sending big hugs xxx

So sorry hunny you didn’t get the green light and hear what you wanted to hear. But I am so very proud of you for taking it on board and thinking that as long as your baby is healthy in your arms and safe that is all that matters. Our bodies are mysterious things. Having babies is magical no matter which way they come out! 🙂 I am excited for you and your new addition. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me and for the continual blog support! #sharewithme

Oh lovely. Your body hasn’t failed, please, please believe this. I know this is hard – I had an emergency c-sec and then an elective so I have been through the questioning and the soul-searching. Of course, all our stories are different, but I just still want to give you a hug and send much love because I know that going through all this hurts. I get it. You will do whatever is right for your baby – in no way is that ‘failing’. Thinking about you so much, xx

Oh Susanne, this must have been such a hard post to write 🙁 I’m so sorry the arrival of your baby isn’t going to be as planned, but you have NOT failed, not in the slightest. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason as to why our bodies do things, and much better a safe delivery for you and baby. Wishing you a safe and well next few weeks xx

I came here via #brillblogposts and I didn’t want to read and run. I haven’t got anything to offer in the way of a similar experience but I am a mother and my body has failed once before so I know that pain. However, your body is not failing it just needs a little support at the end. Your baby may be of a low birth weight but you have brought it this far and that is amazing. You have grown a human from a tiny spec and just need a helping hand to reach the finish. I hope it all goes well, it certainly isn’t an easy option vs natural with the recovery afterwards. What is natural anyway? As long as your baby ends up in your arms that is the most natural feeling in the world. xxx

I am so sorry that you won’t be having the VBAC you hoped for but am glad to see from your comments above that writing this has helped. You haven’t failed in any way, you are doing what is best for you and your baby under the circumstances you have been given and I really hope that when your little one does arrive, the birth will still be a positive experience for you and that all will go well xx

You are dealing with this all so well – and have exactly the right mentality. And even Ina says that there are cases when a C Section is by far the best option. I have everything crossed that today’s scan goes well and you get some firmly positive news. Living in limbo and being plagued by “what ifs” is bloody hard and you’ve done an amazing job of keeping calm through all of this. Have faith that everything will turn out OK in the end and you’ll soon be holding your beautiful little baby in your arms. Much love. xx

I honestly read this holding my breath. I am so sorry you are having a difficult time in pregnancy – this post must have been tough to write; so many emotions about the birth, concerns about your baby and so much more. For what it’s worth your body is NOT failing your baby – you are its home, its safety; it’s just sometimes things don’t go perfectly, that’s all. I really wish you all the very, very best on this journey x x x

This must have been so hard to write, but thank you for sharing your journey. My doctors are not sure if I have two separate wombs or one divided down the middle, so although I am currently trying to turn my breeched baby I don’t think I will be sure of what way the baby will be delivered until the actual moment arrives. I thought it was difficult trying to emotionally prepare for both methods, until I read your post. Best wishes and love to you and your baby.

I am so sorry that you can’t have a VBAC, although it’s hurting you from the way you have written this you can see that you have come to terms with it too. At the end of the day a parent will do anything to help their baby, wishing you all the best and a lot of strength and courage with your anxieties xxx

Oh hun. I kinda get where you are coming from. As a woman we are meant to give birth and we are meant to have that moment where the child comes and out and be able to tell our children how it feels. I had an emergency c section as my girl was undiagnosed breech. And when I had my boy I was umming and ahhing over a VBAC but I chose an elective. I feel funny not knowing what it’s like to give birth but at the end of the day as long as the baby is safe that is all that matters. My Mum said to me “Emma all you need to know is that it bloody hurts so don’t worry about not giving birth any more!” ha ha ha xxx

Haha yes I think you’re right. I know it hurts, having been in labour twice and that was bad enough! This time I really do feel that the birth is not as important anymore. I just want baby here, safe and well x x x

Oh darling, so moved reading this and you are right, all that matters is you and the baby are safe, I was sad over my first baby but joyous with an elective but I understand where you are coming from and know we are all different. I just wanted a tranquil, empowered birth and I got that second time round. My Mum said exactly the same as Em’s Mum did, it hurt lots! Sending you love and support! Feel honoured you have linked up to #brilliantblogposts with this, you are an amazing mother and remember it is not the birth that makes the mother xxx