What to do when your kid’s confidence takes a tumble

The transition from child to adult can wreak havoc on our teens' confidence, rendering your smiley 12 year old a sulky 14 year old in no time. Dr. Justin Coulson shares his advice for helping socially awkward teens.

Because the teenage years are a time of such gargantuan change in our children’s lives, things can get a little stressful for them. Each child responds a little differently to these changes. Some embrace them, but most muddle through, hoping to be sufficiently similar to everyone else as to not get noticed or picked on.

With a new level of awareness about themselves and others, some of our teens go from being confident and outgoing kids to being quiet, anxious, and even disconnected from parents and peers. What was a happy and social 10 year old is now a quiet and withdrawn 15 year-old.

Here are some tips for building confident kids generally, as well as some ideas for encouraging your child or teenager’s social skills and opportunities.

Building confident kids

In the past few years science has given us some terrific data on building confidence and resilience in children. Here are three cutting-edge scientifically-proven ways to give your kids a confidence booster:

1. Teach them who they are

This surprising confidence booster was discovered by psychologist Marshall Duke of Emory University. He found that children who knew about their family and the stories that made their family unique had a strong sense of self and higher confidence. He stated:

“The most healthful narrative is called the oscillating family narrative: ‘Dear, let me tell you, we’ve had ups and downs in our family. We built a family business. Your grandfather was a pillar of the community. Your mother was on the board of the hospital. But we also had setbacks. You had an uncle who was once arrested. We had a house burn down. Your father lost a job. But no matter what happened, we always stuck together as a family.’”

Children who have the most self-confidence know who they are and they know that they belong to something bigger and more powerful than just ‘me’. (Many faiths do a great job at this, too.)

2. Remember that ‘competence’ precedes ‘confidence’

Professor Martin Seligman, one of the world’s most pre-eminent psychologists argued in The Optimistic Child that if we want our children to be confident kids, they have to be good at something – or competent.

Research tells us that we DON’T get confident kids through praising them. Praising simply builds up hollow kids whose confidence is built on a house of cards that is bound to fall. Australian Idol is a testament to that!

Instead, confident kids tend to do certain things well. They don’t have to be the best (after all, comparison isn’t generally healthy). But they have to feel competent at something and do it well. Whether it is music, sport, art or something unique to them, competence boosts confidence.

3. Focus on effort, not outcome

One of the most counter-intuitive findings in psychological research during the past 15 years has been that emphasising outcomes can lead to paralysis. Carol Dweck and her colleagues have shown that when we (or our children) get caught up in proving how smart or talented or capable we are, we often avoid tasks or opportunities that might lead to failure, because failure might mean we’re not as great as we hoped we were.

If we want our children to be confident, this means that instead of focusing on how great their results are, we (and they) do best when we focus on process, effort and mastery. This approach recognises failure as part of learning, promotes risk-taking as experimenting to see what works, and leads to huge pay-offs as kids learn that effort leads to great outcomes.

Encouraging social confidence in children – the warning signs

If your son or daughter is struggling socially, the ideas above can promote an overall feeling of confidence that is authentic, and that can potentially flow through to other areas, like their social skills and relationships. But sometimes our kids need us to help facilitate their social development a bit too – even when they are teenagers.

Children who are lacking in social confidence may exhibit the following behaviours:

Always on the computer/phone/device.

Avoids socialising, or withdraws when in a social setting.

Appears isolated or uncomfortable in group settings.

Is concerned about being evaluated negatively, or being embarrassed in front of peers.

While it could be argued that EVERY teenager can be described by the first and fourth of those points, we should be aware that when these behaviours become pervasive, our child may be lacking confidence socially. If these behaviours are coupled with intense fears, excessive shyness and a preference for obvious isolation to the point that it is disruptive or distressing, you should see a psychologist for professional help.

If symptoms are not excessive, but rather are simply ‘challenging’ from time to time, the following ideas may be useful:

1. Reduce screen time

Research is giving us more and more evidence that as time with screens (including social media) increases, so too does depression. And there is a corresponding drop in social skills, physical health and psychological wellbeing decrease, all of which can relate to social confidence.

2. Encourage participation in team environments

This may be a sporting or physical endeavour (like a soccer or netball team, or a horse-riding or rock-climbing club), an academic or mental organisation (such as something at school like a chess club or debating team), or a church, scout, or girl-guide organisation. The objective is to develop skills and foster relationships

3. Facilitate time with friends

Teenagers don’t call them ‘play dates’, but that’s what they are. Encouraging your child to have one or two (or three) friends visit on the weekend, or going on an outing, can be a great way to build social confidence.

4. Quality over quantity

You don’t need your child to be the most popular kid in school. In fact, a few select positive relationships can do far more for your child’s feelings of worth and confidence than a list of friends a mile wide and an inch deep.

5. Reassure them that it’s normal

Sometimes our children simply need to be understood, and to know that their feelings and experiences, even when they’re difficult, are a normal part of being human.

The quality of our lives is powerfully associated with the quality of our relationships. Other people matter more for our wellbeing – and the wellbeing of our teens – than just about anything else. By gently and patiently encouraging our children if they have social struggles, we can boost their relationship competence, and their confidence.