"I asked my Mum to talk to my Tinder matches and this is what happened"

On Friday night, my love life sank to new depths when I got dumped by a guy who wasn't my boyfriend. Don't ask me how it happened because it's still too raw. I'm a decent person. I replace the toilet roll when it runs out in the flat. I always wait for the loud part in the movie before opening my sweets at the cinema. And I never avoid eye contact with pregnant women on public transport. I deserve better than this.

It was time to expand my search and get on Tinder. Except, with my confidence knocked I needed a bit of help getting back on the dating-wagon. I needed someone more extra than me. Someone who has been married for 26 years so clearly knows a thing or two about finding the keepers in a world of bad boys. A woman who still loves me despite those frosty teenage years where I wore nothing but jeggings, a Primark vest and a H&M cardigan in a pastel colour while telling her that she was ruining my life on the reg. Enter Denise Copson, or as I like to call her, Mum.

Me with Denise

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After a quick lesson on how to navigate the app I set her on her mission of chirpsing a selection of fine young gentlemen, or as I like to call them, my matches.

1. The guy who couldn't speak Spanish.

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I understand that saying hello can be kind of boring and we're all looking for new ways to make that first line just a tad more interesting. My mum took the exotic route. Unfortunately, this guy had clearly failed his Spanish GCSE and her hola'ing him like that must have brought back some bitter memories. That's what I'm assuming, anyway.

2. The guy who was 33.

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Mum didn't approve of the age gap so she cut this off quicker than Simon Cowell does an X Factor contestant with the wrong song choice. This guy was willing to give up way too easy. I'm glad she was able to find out he wasn't going to fight for our love early on to save me wasting my time.

3. The guy who got given the power.

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Cosmopolitan UK

After a brief bit of meme flirting, my mum decided to communicate with one of Tinder's new reactions. She told him with a tennis ball that it was his move. He seemed to enjoy this flanter.

4. The guy whose face she laughed in.

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Okay, so the same guy asked for my number/to meet and she laughed in his face. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen. I think she wrote this one off a bit too soon though. He wanted to take me out and she gave him not one, not two, but three eye rolls. Her opening lines have great potential, but the bit that follows could do with a bit of work.

5. The guy that now has the power to end me socially.

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To give this some context, my mum asked me: "Did you know XX at college?", to which I replied: "Yes we used to talk." As in, talk and occasionally kiss at college parties while Oasis' Wonderwall played. I didn't think she was going to type this out and add in a monkey face and two laughing faces. I died. I can never return to Birmingham and its surrounding areas again.

6. The guy who used my reaction to his advantage.

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Cosmopolitan UK

Flattery will get you everywhere, my friend. I really like the idea of people clapping me as I enter a room. Well done Denise for only using one word to obtain a strong compliment.

7. The guy who wasn't inventive enough for a reply.

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Sorry mate.

8. The guy who was well travelled.

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Cosmopolitan UK

Cosmopolitan UK

He knew from a picture of me at a pool party that I went to Vegas. Eight conversations down and my mother really seemed to be starting to get the hang of this whole making conversation with strangers malarkey. Had the student become the teacher? Maybe.

9. The guy who just caught her on a bad day.

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At this point, I think she was just tired of the graft.

Conclusion

By letting my mum loose on my Tinder app I learnt that Friends memes are decent openers and that using only emojis can earn yourself a certain air of mystery. However, I think she needs to work a bit harder when it comes to actually securing me dates. She's done some decent ground work, but now it's time for me to swoop in like the General Manager of my own love life. Guy 6 has potential if he can include in his wedding vows that he'll always clap when I enter any room, so watch this space...

Bag a date this winter (with your mum's help or not) by downloading Tinder...

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