It leads to more questions than answers. But sometimes the questions do not matter and the answers make no sense.

Flutters take over all senses.

Breaks feel literally as if you are breaking in pieces.

So much madness and joy.

It can make you feel lost and found.

Sometimes love isn’t enough. This cliché never made sense before. I always believed love is enough; but love alone is not the only piece to a solid foundation. Sometimes the very foundation you built no longer works. Maybe it takes space to see if you want the relationship you have to break the foundation and see if you are willing to build a new one, or lest move on.

Time alone is painful. And yet oddly life moves on. The path you are on doesn’t cease to exist merely because you are no longer in a partnership.

Love is a roller coaster. Moving. Breathing. An organism that has its own life.

I don’t talk about my breakup much. Not online.

I am trying to move on but yesterday I realized I’m trying to force change and movement and life post taking a break. I’m pushing, forcing, twisting and getting extremely frustrated and end up feeling worse.

I need to stop. To feel. To be in the moments. To exist in the in-between of love..of loss…of change. I need to be patient that love that lasts for 6 years and hasn’t gone away deserves my hugs and care.

We cannot force change. We have to process through love, loss, life and exist in the moment. To be honest with ourselves and true to our feelings.

To sit in the pain.

To feel the heartache.

I am always pushing and looking towards the next step, the future, the solution to problems and seeking seeking seeking something…anything to make me feel “content” and meet all my “needs.”

Stop.

Be.

Let love guide the journey.

Love.

Embrace the in-between.

Stop forcing change.

Only then can I feel, and be true to where I am and open to seeing what happened, what I want, and process and exist in love.

I’m flawed but worth love. I’m ok not feeling ok all the time. I’m ok crying to a song that makes me miss what I’ve lost. I’m ok feeling.

I need to learn to be ok with not moving forward. To be ok with moving two steps forward and two back.

Love does not mean a straight line in the journey of life.

Love is chaos. Beautiful chaos.

Love is never really lost. We can still love what we lost, and who we feel we lost. Love is found in amazing corners of the world,, within ourselves, in strangers, in loved ones; we just have to be open to the journey and path it chooses to guide us through.

I didn’t “lose” love……I was blessed to be given the opportunity to meet someone I love so deeply, madly and without reservations for years. I am SO grateful for him, because he showed me what loving someone outside of my friends and family really felt like. He was my first adult love, and remains a great love. Just because we are not together now, does not mean I do not love him, feel him and carry him with me in my heart and memories.

I love love. I just need to allow myself to feel it, and be where I am…and stop twisting myself and telling myself where I “should” be…..

Today I exist, feel and embrace myself with self-love, kindness and patience in existing here and now versus looking, seeking and forcing the change I “think” I need.

I love. I choose to be in love. With life, people and the journey; allowing love to be organic and move at its own beat, and not the one I think it should take.

And of course – love myself through it all.

I hold my heart in my hands, but do not cling. I will allow it to breathe and be.

* after I wrote this I took Leah for a walk….and literally had a deep vulnerable response. I couldn’t breathe, felt like I was kicked in the gut, and tears swelled in my eyes. Writing about our lives and especially loss can hit deep nerves, but I choose to be vulnerable, open and share all that I am, because that deep physical response is proof I need to stay in the now, and process everything, and am not yet ready to move forward at the fast pace I was forcing.