Since my childhood growing up in rural Australia, I've stepped outside my comfort zone many times. Along the way I've learnt that only by risking failure can we create a truly rewarding life. I hope this column inspires you to do just that - daring to think bigger, to engage more courageously in conversation and to boldly pursue your greatest aspirations.

Women: Enough With The Apologies!

Other days, well, you might hear us apologizing, second-guessing ourselves, prefacing what we want to say so as not to cause offense, and going out of our way not to step on toes, ruffle feathers or rock anyone’s boat.

Okay, that was harsh, I know. Not all women tip-toe around others, lack assertiveness or undermine themselves when communicating with others. Yet too often, many women do. Smart women. Accomplished women. Fabulous women. Women like me and, perhaps, women like you too.

Having coached women in business for many years, I know how much we women have to contribute to the world. In business, we make fabulous leaders – we are good listeners, strong collaborators, naturally perceptive and good at managing the conflicting demands and responsibilities that leadership involves. Indeed, a Harvard Business Review study showed that a business group’s collective IQ went up when there were women part of the team. Outside the office walls in our local communities, we are generous with our time and sensitive to others’ needs and concerns. In life, we are big-hearted and ever willing to lend a shoulder when needed.

What’s not to love about us?!

Yet all too often we do ourselves a big disservice by doubting ourselves. We doubt what we have to say, we doubt what we can handle and we doubt our decisions. In the process, we undermine our ability to influence change to the extent we want and others need. Everyone is worse off.

In her book The Language of Female Leadership, Dr. Judith Baxter discussed her study of how language is used in senior executive and boardroom meetings to understand power patterns. Focusing on the differences between how women and men use language, she identified a specific type of ‘out-of-power’ language that women were more prone to use. This included what she called ‘double-voice discourse,’ something used by leaders of both genders, but more frequently by women leaders.

Double-voice discourse occurs when the speaker pre-judges the audience’s response (to be a negative one) and qualifies their initial statement accordingly. For instance, ‘Correct me if I’m wrong…’ or ‘I know I’m not the ultimate expert on this…’ Dr. Baxter found that women were four times more likely to use double-voice discourse than their male counterparts. Certainly from my own observations, I’ve noticed that women are far more likely to apologise if their opinion happens to contradict or conflict with someone else’s and are more likely to underestimate themselves versus the men in the room.

While writing my latest book Stop Playing Safe, I interviewed numerous highly successful women including Debbie Kissire, one of Ernst and Young’s most senior female leaders. When asked what she felt was important for women to do to achieve greater success, Debbie replied, ‘Women mustn’t allow themselves to be intimidated’. When your opinion differs from that of others, or when you have something to say that could possibly cause upset, don’t undermine yourself by prefacing your thoughts with an apology. While changing your language may not increase your power by four times its current level, it certainly highlights that how you speak can weaken the message you wish to convey and undermine your ‘personal brand’ as a leader and catalyst for change.

Having more women in positions of power isn’t just good for women. It’s good for everyone. A study by McKinsey Company found that organizations with more women in senior decision-making roles are more profitable. While unconscious bias, overt sexism and external obstacles still exist for women, from my stance one of the biggest obstacles to greater influence, power and impact is still ourselves. At least in the developed world where women are no longer confined to their homes, have equal access to education and freedom to pursue whatever career inspires them.

For more women to move into positions of influence we need to own the difference our difference makes, stop apologizing for our opinions, forgo eternal second-guessing, and stop underestimating the unique value we have to contribute. If those of us women with the power to affect change don’t step up to the leadership plate and wield it fully, how can we ever create the much needed changes for the millions of women still trapped in societies that repress their basic right for equality.

All leadership begins with self leadership. Thus making changes in the world around us begins by making changes in ourselves. There’s no better place to start than by working on the way you engage in conversation on a daily basis. Replace old disempowering habits of speech with new ones that let people know you are a woman to be both listened to and reckoned with. As more women start owning their power, our communities, organizations and societies will benefit in ways that will serve everyone… including the men – the brothers, fathers and sons (including the four in my family) – we share our lives with.

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