"Eight Out of Ten Boys Tend to Live Longer With Parents Who Grow Marijuana"

(09/24/08)

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"Che si dice?" Welcome to the only newsletter that believes you can shoot the messenger for ruining your day, "Only In Italy!"

"I am Italian and I live in the USA since 2000. I am a little homesick lately and reading your newsletter makes me feel closer to home.

I found, though, that your article on the "suntanning benefits" was not as fully developed as it could have been. Maybe there was room there for two separate articles. One on the good of vitamin D production and another on the Italian habits at the beach.

I was a little disappointed to not find represented the other characters who populate our beaches.

1) Women who bring their tweezers and groom themselves and all the family members coming close to them. Those without hairs get to have their pimples or black heads squeezed out.

2) The noise doesn't come only from the radios. What about those youngsters playing soccer just two inches from you with the most show-off displays to impress those same girls in the very expensive bikinis? Let's not forget the moms who feel the need to call their children's name every two seconds to yell at them all the thousand different scientific reasons why they cannot get wet in that moment unless they want to die. (Maybe hidden subconscious trauma reason Italian don't go into the water as adults?)

3) The guy who ask his children to cover him with sand in order to prevent winter rheumatism and cause you to break a foot tripping over his usually conspicuous concealed mass.

4) You mentioned lunch but you missed the great opportunity to explain the sandwiches eaters; what an Italian lunch on the beach consists of and justifies the hibernation needed after that.

5) The couples going into the water to "swim" thinking they can fool everybody. The routine is always the same. She pretends to be scared to justify the clinging on him with open arms and legs and assuming the most obscene positions. He usually doesn't move much, just pretends to be saving her and can be easily spotted for the congested face frozen into a plastic smile. They "bath" for as long as it takes for his smile to become more stupid.

6) The buckets-full of sand that are lifted on an Italian beach (from kids running, playing soccer, people tripping on the rheumatism guy, etc.) that makes it impossible for Italians to use sun lotion unless they want to look "breaded".

...and many more." Mari

Thanks for letting yourself go with this informative letter, Mari. That's some impressive beach community you went to.

The computer game industry should develop another "Sims" life-simulation game of the daily beach activities of several Neapolitan families near Naples.

It should control virtual people called "agitated tourists", placing the player in control of their virtual "beach world" and their activities, such as trying to control the sleeping, eating, reading, and bathing habits of undisciplined and unmanageable Neapolitans at the beach.

The object of the game would be to conquer and acquire two square meters of beach, a decent tan and peace of mind.

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

Tanti Saluti, "Only In Italy" Staff

Fortune Teller Fails To Predict Police Raid

Pordenone - September 18, 2008 - An Italian fortune teller has been charged with tax evasion after concealing earnings of some 500,000 euros (740,000 USD) that she made in just over a year, finance police said Thursday.

The woman, who described herself as a spiritual guide and clairvoyant, was legally registered with a VAT number as an 'occult practitioner' and offered consultations at her studio and clients' homes through newspaper and television adverts.

But finance police realized the woman had only been declaring a fraction of her income after noticing discrepancies between her official earnings and her luxurious lifestyle. The woman counted housewives, pensioners and businessmen among her large client base, police said.

Occult practitioners in Italy are thought to generate some six billion euros a year, most of which is not declared to tax authorities.

According to estimates by the finance police, around 15% of Italians from a broad range of age groups and social backgrounds consult fortune tellers, palm readers and clairvoyants, usually in a bid to resolve health or relationship problems. While the phenomenon is more pronounced in southern Italy, some 42% of occult workers live and operate in the north of the country, police say.

She shouldn't be charged for tax evasion. She deserves an Olympic gold medal and to be in the "Guinness Book of World Records" for having the biggest pair of "coglioni" ever for pulling this off and sucking in so many comatose and pointless Italians.

"Bestia", How can you give an exorbitant amount of cash to a wrinkled old face with fake nails, hair with no color continuity, with no sense of fashion, always wearing some sort of flashy and crappy color (fuchsia, scarlet, orange, yellow, puke green) that goes well with her choice of zany make-up and a cigarette hanging from her lips that tells you she received an urgent call from Julius Caesar advising you to go to the produce section of your favorite supermarket where you will find fortune and happiness?

"Oh, cazzo, I see a vision!"
"Now, stop drooling and listen carefully..."

20% Of New Hepatitis Cases Caused By Tattoos and Piercing

Rome - September 18, 2008 - Some 20% of new cases of hepatitis C in Italy appear to be related to having had tattoos or piercing, experts said on Thursday.

Contracting the hepatitis C virus by having tattoos and piercing is becoming more frequent not only because these practices are now more widespread but also because they are performed without respecting proper hygiene conditions, experts said.

According to Mario Rizzetto of Turin's Molinette Hospital, "one can contract the hepatitis C virus by being tattooed even if the needles have been sterilized because the ink could have been infected by a previous client".

The hepatitis C virus is passed by blood-to-blood contact and there is currently no vaccine to prevent it. Many who have the virus are unaware of it because they suffer only mild symptoms.

The liver-damaging disease can be treated if diagnosed early otherwise it can lead to cirrhosis and liver cancer.

"Cazzo", some people don't know what to do with themselves anymore.

Quite frankly, piercing is very disturbing to look at. Understand, we're into "do your own thing", but it comes to a point you can't even concentrate because there's so much jewellery on their face. Then when one can no longer resist the face artwork and throws up their lunch, do pierced people consider it a compliment or insult?

And let's not forget tattoos which are like a vivid festival of ignorance. "Vaffanculo", Holocaust tattoos are more attractive.

"Sta pippa, my cirrhosis is in the design of the "Gladiator".

Shouldn't tattoos be more convenient and useful rather than artistic? Tattoo a "tic-tac-toe" board on your fat stomach so you can pass the time while you're healing from your liver cancer.

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Monza - September 19, 2008 - An Italian man arrested for possession of marijuana told police he was growing it for his son who couldn't afford the habit.

"He smokes so much he was continually broke," the 52-year-old factory worker reportedly told police who found four newly picked plants drying out in the man's garage.

"I decided to grow some for him to help him out".

The 21-year-old son, who lives with his father, was under police surveillance on suspicion of drugs possession. Both men were taken into custody.

"Grazie Papa!" Would you like some?

Fact: Eight out of ten Italian men tend to live much longer with their parents than adult children anywhere else in the West.

Unfortunately, this high and apparently increasing tendency of young Italians to live with their parents is associated with at least three astounding facts that have characterized the incredibly crappy Italian economy over the past two decades:

1.) extremely high youth unemployment (failure to support one's pot habit); 2.) low and declining fertility (possible consequence from consuming too much pot); 3.) and low and declining migration rates (why leave when you can enjoy pot at home?).

However, the truth which has been neglected is that Italian parents are altruistic and like having their children around and are willing to "bribe" them (ex. with homegrown pot) into staying home in exchange for some monetary transfers (smoke now, pay later).

These clever Italian parents benefit from the companionship and other services their children provide, and most importantly, from the opportunity they have to get their children to "conform" to their principles when they live together.

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