Don’t Fear the Reaper, Fear the Right Wing

Representative Alan Grayson has been on a roll lately. First he announced from the House floor that Republicans “want people to die.” He followed that up with a flurry of statements, such as: Republicans are “the enemy of America and the enemy of anybody who wants anything good for this country, including healthcare reform, climate change legislation” and they (republicans) “certainly are the enemy of peace.” He then went on the The Tingler’s “show” and said this:

“I have trouble listening to what he says sometimes because of the blood that drips from his teeth while he’s talking. But, my response is this- he’s just angry because the president doesn’t shoot old men in the face. By the way, when he was done speaking did he just turn into a bat and fly away?”

It must be true, because Obama just praised Grayson at an event as an “outstanding member of Congress” and Obama is The One ™ and all-knowing; the Smartest Man Alive, right? Apparently Community Organizing is now evil and dissent is no longer Patriotic. You see, it’s different when the Right does it. So, THE CONSTITUTION is the most nefarious Manifesto going, insidiously working it’s way through the very fiber of our society since 1788. A warning to everyone: I am super dangerous, evidently. Not only am I “right-wing” and *gasp* oppose abortion, but I’m Christian (albeit a sorta lapsed Presbyterian) AND I home school. The Trifecta of Evil!.

What, exactly, makes us so iniquitous, Mr. Grayson? Is it because we don’t buy your Newspeak? We trust our own eyes over things like your “Move along, nothing to see here, he was just bending down – he did not bow to the King of Saudi Arabia. It was simply a greeting, nothing subservient at all. Plus, guys, remember that Bush dude?!” -By the way, last time I bowed that low, I got an engagement ring out of the deal (shout out to my ladies!)

Are we evil because we believe in actual freedom, private property rights, individual liberties and, yes, the American Dream – where one works hard and isn’t vilified when they achieve any modicum of success? Is it because we understand that equal opportunity does not magically guarantee effortless equal results, nor is it meant to? Maybe it is because we don’t think that the Government should be your Mommy, taking care of every need from cradle to grave… Oops, I mean Daddy (since our society is so patriarchal and oppressive.) Which reminds me, shouldn’t self-professed feminists eschew the Obama administration, since it is made up primarily of icky men? (aside from Clinton and Napolitano… No, wait, it is totally made up of men. Meow)

It is funny how the Left, who claim to be oh-so-tolerant and open-minded, who chant the freedom of individuality mantra, are actually the ones who seek to scrub any thought and silence any opinions that differ from their own tunnel-visioned view of the World. With all their talk of enlightenment and evolution, they are literally De-volving (it’s a word. I have that power…hello? Evil) into the worst kind of pack mentality. They are actually moving against basic human nature and the innate need to strive for success. They are the antithesis of that. In diametric opposition to natural instinct, they seek to stigmatize individual success and enterprise as something that requires further scrutiny – czars and watchdogs are created to oversee these miscreants. Funding and power goes to ACORN. Well, we won’t be your useful idiots… perhaps that is why you fear us so.

I can’t really blame you for your fear, though. And, to be fair, that may be partially our own fault. We “outed” ourselves because we didn’t seem to have that whole protest deal down. We showed up in actual cars instead of in chartered buses. We were packed into, and hanging off the back of, pick-up trucks with huge gun racks (which would be expected of old “bitter clingers.) Then we showed up after work. Protesters don’t normally have those pesky 3 letter things called J – O – B – S. (Thanks again, Joe Biden!) To add insult to injury, we voiced our opinions articulately, in full and coherent sentences, using facts and rational thought. Hello? We aren’t supposed to know how to read! We didn’t base things on feel-goodiness utopian ideas of kitten whiskers and fairy dust. But that’s not all. (Oh boy, we are truly fiendish.) Sometimes, when I’m feeling extra radical-y, I’ll go find someone with an Obama bumper sticker and viciously thumb my nose at them. Often, during Obama’s ever-present face-time, a wave of uncontrollable radical right-wing extremism will wash over me and I’ll fiercely stick my tongue out at the television. Worse still, one time I was reading the subversive periodical known as National Review and Obama was on the cover; I wickedly drew a mustache and devil horns on it in a frenzied rage. This can only be the behavior of a true enemy of peace.

In addition, do you know that whole deal where Conservatives give more money to charity than Liberals do? Even in poor cracker Southern States? That is all just a nefarious plot to get back at President Carter. I’d tell you the details of the scheme, but then I’d have to hurt you, being an enemy of America and all. And by hurt you, I mean debating something rationally with you, omitting the word Bush. Or maybe by asking you about that pesky old document called the Constitution. Perhaps I’d politely request that you stop taking my money to pay for other people’s mortgages, maybe let me keep some more of my own so *I* can get a mortgage. You know, one that I can afford and not just obtain because I want it, and then hope (and change) that my income will somehow magically double in 2 years when the rate goes up. You know, EVIL things like that.

I submit my last bit of proof of our enemy status and show you just how evil and omnipresent we truly are. WE are even to blame for those pilots over-flying 150 miles because they were fiddling with their laptops. They were getting instructions from the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy:

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Thanks Lori, I needed a good laugh. You are so deliciously evil and nasty, (probably why we love you so much). Let`s see now, you are a “cracker” chick who is anti-abortion, does not hate us icky men, likes women like Sarah Palin, conservative, and a Christian! Wow! No doubt you are anti-American who insists on following the Constitution! What kind of evil “beast” are you anyway? Thanks again. Luv ya.

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Snark. And Boobs!

Exposing Asshattery in Washington, DC (and elsewhere if it makes me froth at the mouth), from a dame’s point of view. Hence, the snark and boobs. Probably should have said nag and boobs, but snark has a better ring to it. Contact info: Snarkandboobs@gmail.com

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