Apr 25 CALM THE FUX DOWN

2015 was the year I went through my quarter-life crisis. I'm talking tear-stained pillows, night terrors and panic-inducing type shit. It's unhealthy for me to get into the details of what caused this despair, but I'll take a line from DJ Khaled and tell you that I changed… a lot. I smiled so seldomly that my colleagues started to notice. I cried so much that my best friend commuted from Harlem to Crown Heights on a Saturday just to eat pizza on my couch with me. It may sound like I'm hyperbolizing these moments, but I'm not. It's not me; it's my anxiety disorder.

Moments of distress and uncertainty hit me 10x harder than most people, which means that I have to try 10x harder to keep calm and carry on. Meditation and lavender candles help, but the keys lie within me. So in effort to share more info and get us WOC to be more mindful about our well being, here are 5 lessons that I've learned to keep my mental health in check:

Get to Know Your Triggers.

For me, anxiety is a culmination of irrational fear and distress that hits me so hard that it paralyzes me. My panic attacks feel like all of my fears and worries are ganging up on me, and I'm too choked up to run or fight back. From cats to crowded trains, I've learned that knowing and avoiding my triggers is key. Think about the day you learned that fire was hot. Would you put your hand in the flame again? Probably not. Know your triggers, and leave them alone. You will only react when there's a stimulus to react to.

Use “Do Not Disturb” to Your Advantage.

Some people take pride in multitasking, but I've learned that constantly shifting focus is unproductive and unhealthy for my mental state. My phone is on Do Not Disturb all day. I don't do it to be petty; I do it to keep my flow state great. Too many texts and notifications make me feel like the whole world needs me, and that makes me feel uneasy. It's true that certain people need to tell me they're proud of me (there really is a Drake line for everything), but it is impossible to please everyone all the time. Shit is stressful, and I don't need that. Put your phone on Do Not Disturb and go live your best life. Your problems and real friends aren’t going anywhere.

Trust Your Gut.

Dodge Those Bullets. Indecision and self-doubt are my kryptonite. Am I into him or are we just talking to pass time? Am I doing this for me or for someone else? When my mind teeters, my spirit feels unsettled, and I start to hyper fixate on past moments. As a woman, I’ve been groomed to appease people, but I had to curve that habit, because my intuition and sanity wouldn’t let me live. Intuition is one hell of a thing. It’s purely instinctive and rooted in a lack of reasoning, yet it has saved me time and time again. Trust your gut, and dodge those bullets.

An Hour a Day Keeps the Mood Swings Away.

Running a business and holding down a full-time job in Advertising means that even on my worst nights, I gotta work work work work work work. My time gets depleted with phone calls, networking events, decisions, emails, classes, spreadsheets, etc. Having too much to do has overwhelmed me to the point where I couldn’t ride the subway with a friend, because I needed to sit in solitude and reset. Fact: I can’t be around people all the time. Whether it’s watching afro funk videos on Youtube or hitting the gym, I give myself one hour per day to do whatever I want to do, and you should too. How you gonna win when you ain’t right within? 60 minutes a day will change your life.

Say What You Need to Say.

One of the four agreements is “don’t make assumptions.” Miscommunication seems to be the root of every broken relationship and trashy Vh1 reality show. Now that I’ve gotten the hang of adulting, I know that my patience wanes and my irritability kicks in when my intentions are misunderstood. So, to avoid all of those paragraphs with me in my feelings, I’ve come to grips with saying what I need to say. No more texting. It’s easy to get lost in a paper trail of harbored thoughts. Pick up the phone and call your friends. Unless the world is full of telekinetic people, no one will ever know how you feel until you tell them.

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Couldn't make it to TGM DAY? Here's a recap of what you missed but can join in on next summer!

what was TGM DAY:

over two years ago theGIRLMOB founder Yari Blanco told herself that one day she would put together a one day festival that was a hybrid between the panel discussions she loved to attend and the summer rooftop parties only nyc knows how to throw. she wanted a space where women of color could gather, chop it up, learn something new, dance a bit, laugh a lot and feel love.

our panels + panelists:

"ME, MYSELF AND I" moderated by Sasha

TGM Day proved to be an extraordinary day filled with extraordinary women who came together in pursuit of one thing: clarity. We sought clarity in ourselves, in our work, in our magic and most importantly, in each other. The self-love panel welcomed three amazing panelists, Ebonee Davis, Christina Bright and Mel Burgos, to share personal experiences and misconceptions along their journeys with 80 young women of color.

Concepts so simple, so juvenile—can at last become your saving grace. We also realized that acts of doubt, confusion and self-hate are not born with us — they are learned from our surroundings. These frames of mind have been passed down since the beginning of time. Women, until very recent history, have been held, universally, in low regard. We have not always shared the same rights as men—in many ways we still don’t—and we would be naive to require to be equal. The colonization of Africa, South America and the West Indies taught women of color that we should strive to be whiter, fairer—for our hair to be straighter, longer—eyes to be brighter, clearer. That what we already have isn’t enough.

Ebonee davis

discussed her rebirth in the fashion industry, when she called out designers for perpetuating racist stigmas instead of using their power and influence to help abandon those notions. After the death of two unarmed black men at the hands of police, she penned an open-letter to the fashion community reminding them of their responsibilities as one of the most strongest industries with the highest chance of creating social impact. She rejected idolized “straight-hair” and decided to wear her hair natural, a risk that reaped its rewards when Calvin Klein made her the face of their campaign, hair to the sky—in all its glory.

Mel Burgos

discussed the defining moment that brought about her #iamlettingGo campaign. One bad breakup too many made her decide to start over. Her theory thatch possessed a superficial attachment to her that manifested a multitude of insecurities and untruths around her character deemed to be false. She shaved her hair off in a powerful video that she shared with the world. Post-scalping the insecurities remained. And to her surprised, her hair had nothing to do with them. The fear, and confusion she believed laid within her curls in fact sat inside her. And until she realized that, she was not able to let them go.

Chris Bright

energetic, passionate and fragile never strayed away from her emotions, in fact, she puts them on display as a form of personal empowerment. She’s not afraid to say she’s broke, or broken. She uses her openness as a form of self-therapy. An advocate of co-parenting, she shared an inspiring story of her journey to forgive her sons father for all his wrongdoings as a path to prioritize the welfare of her son and personal contentment. It was so powerful to see a woman using her child as a path to freedom, and not pawn in a chess game.

We saw the effects of release — whether through words you’ve been longing to say, hair you’ve been longing to leave behind or situations you’ve been longing you absolve. The power of self-love is learning that putting yourself first goes far beyond pouring yourself tea in the morning and stretching, its about all the little things you have to do to clear your mental sky of clouds. And free your soul of unnecessary weight. Then, and, only then may your journey to self-love begin.

"real magic" moderated by kimber

I've always been fascinated by astrology, intuition and phenomena that can't be explained, so I was intrigued and honored to host the Real Magic panel during TGM Day. I was also grateful to speak to three true experts in this field: Reiki healer and crystal shop owner, Auset NTRU Gaia (formerly Taren Guy), Astrologer Mecca Woods and Breathwork and Shamaic Practitioner, Siedeh Foxie.

We talked about everything from how crystals work to how our panel's parents reacted to them practicing different forms of healing and spirit-work. There were a ton of magical and enlightening moments for everyone, but I want to share the moments that stood out to me: Across the board our panel mentioned that they felt called to their respective practices. In most cases, sometimes going as far back as early childhood, they experienced strong intuitive inclination. We learned that we're all born with some level of intuition and it can be honed and sharpened through practice.

Speaking of practice, it was recommended that people wanting to learn more about crystals, astrology or other astral/energy tools should visit new age/spirituality bookshops and purchase the items that intuitively call to them. In may cases the tools that you need at this particular moment in life will attract you to them.

When asked how each woman responded to cynics, the consensus was that it's better not to respond. There's an understanding that some people just wont understand, but when people need help tapping into self or the universe, members of the panel said they were happy to assist.

We concluded the panel discussion with two amazing workshops. The first was a natal chart exercise led by Mecca, helping our audience understand their personality based on the planets position during their times of birth. The second was a breath-work exercise with Siedeh. Each woman was asked to place her feet on the floor, her hands on her heart and abdomen then breathe for 2-3 minutes (two quick breaths out and one deep out with "HA" sound). After the exercise there was a definite calm in the room that everyone could feel and it was a beautiful way to wrap the day.

For me, the biggest takeaway from the panel was to be open to the world and open to yourself. Listen to your gut and let it lead you in the right direction.

"i'm a hustler baby" moderated by yari

Who hasn't read or posted #teamnosleep #nevernotworking and the million other expressions we use online to tell our peers and the internet that we are DOING SOMETHING ? We've all low key or blatantly showed off in that regard- and you should! No one else is going to toot your horn for you. I'm a Hustler Baby - was about kicking off our shoes, letting our "hair down" and being honest about what it takes to be a true hustler - whether you do it full time or part time is a different question and entirely up to you.

FARAH PINK

reminded us that just because we have a 9-5 does not mean we can't pursue the other things we love. You want to make extra cash? Work your closet, angles and highlight and sell those old Levi's collecting dust on your shelf. And if you find yourself killing it on depop, put that cash back into your business by getting new items from local thrift stores (or your neighbors garage sale) and flipping it on your platform. She also shared some wise words from her experience on the Brunch Bounce team - when trying to go into new markets research is key. Find out what your demographic is into in that city/town and make sure you can deliver on that. Oh! and don't be pressed about 1000 people showing up to your first event in a new market, the most important thing is that those who do show up have such a bomb ass time that they'll tell their friends and come out when you return.

MELISSA KIMBLE

who just moved from Chicago to NYC! shared some gems on how to choose who to work with (building relationships before hand is key before you go asking people for favors or random things) and being patient with how you build your digital presence. As the founder of @blkcreatives she shared how she'd been building the online community around her brand since 2012 and now her readers/followers trust the brand. That's what we all want from our supporters TRUST! so that when you're recommending something or selling your new jewelry line they believe in you and in what you're saying.

MAURA CHANZ

kept us on the edge of our chairs as she kept it extra honest about how being an entrepreneur means being broke half the time. People glamorize the "girl boss" life but don't show the behind the scenes of when they're rent is due and they only have half the money. She shared that while you might have to pause on certain lifestyle wants (dinner and drinks during the week with your girls) you can remind yourself that all the work you're putting in is so that you can ball out in the not so distant future. As a recent grad from Spelman College, she reminded the students in the room that if you're paying for school (or your parents are) then school should be first on your list, your creativity isn't going no where and you can still find time to build your craft while getting that degree. YES YOU CAN.

This panel was close to me as I (along with my team) continue to build theGIRLMOB and continue to connect with you as our reader and digital sister. I know we as women will stop ourselves from purusing things unless we feel we are 100% ready to take that leap. The thing is, you should just take it. No one is going to do it for you. And if you don't succeed, as Maura said "Oprah was fired at 23" - keep pushing, keep glowing MOB.

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thank you:

thank you to our beautiful DJs who came out and gave us tunes to close out the eventful day! you ladies are amazing! thank you to PÜR Costemics, Jane Carter Solution, CORE water and Dyckman Beer for their support at our first TGM Day. And last but not least, thank you to our MOB who came out and supported! We hope to see you again next year with your girls in tow. #TGMDAY