Thursday, January 31, 2008

My friend Alisha (she's one of my top friends in case you don't know her) posted a blog under Pisces. This blog was basically a reprint of a genius blog her girlfriend Shannon had written regarding a horoscope for her sign, Pisces. If you get a chance, check it out for it is a brilliant piece of writing. I didn't want to print it here as I do not have her permission to do so and I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong impression that I had written it. Anyway, I was so inspired by her Pisces blog that I decided to write one of my own, but about my own sign, Gemini.

Anyway, as you all know I'm wacked out on medicine, I'm googly with pain, I can't sleep despite the Valium because my chest hurts so much. It's 4 am, people. But I went on line and found a simple description of Gemini's likes and dislikes from a supposed professional. Here is my support of her theory. I did write this but just remember my state of mind. Be kind in your critique. * LIKES

Talking. Yes, Yes we do. About you. Behind your back. Sometimes about your back and how fucking wide it is. We take so much pleasure in talking that listening is almost always out of the question. Unless you have something rude or disparaging to say about people we hate, your lips should remain touching at all times and your head should be constantly nodding in agreement with all the brilliant things emanating from our gorgeous, garrulous mouths.

Novelty and the unusual - uh huh. Since it is true that novelty is something we like, most likely you bore us to fucking tears. If your life is by some slim chance interesting or novel, we would hate you for making us feel envy. So you can't really win. As far as the unusual - we do love staring at people who, up until the early 20th century, would have been forced to perform in those really cool traveling national circus freak shows run by small, old men with stringy beards holding big keys and hiding tin cans with money stuffed inside them who were always on the lookout for one armed ladies with facial hair, or jolly overweight men married to women the size of house-cats. And also the handicapped - we like to gawk at them as well, but that's just to make sure that they really deserve those special parking license plates. Because sometimes we're lugging our daughter, in 20 degree weather, complete with wind and rain and screaming and kicking, to Target from a parking space that is approximately 3 miles away and we can't help but notice the 40 something women quite comfortably exiting her car parked in a very convenient handicapped parking space that she apparently has no need for. This is an image that boils up the blood. If a person has the ability to exit their shitty Oldsmobile and walk around a Target for 40 minutes, they certainly have the ability to walk from any available parking space in the lot to get to said store. If stares could maim, there would be plenty of fake handicapped people laying on the asphalt with their legs crushed or disappeared altogether. Suddenly, their handicapped sticker is valid and the universe is back in balance. Unfortunately, not even a Gemini has cultivated this powerful stare. Yet.

Variety in life - We demand varieties of liquors, wines, beers, and drugs at parties that we decide at the last minute we are going to attend. And if we saw a picture of your baby once, it was enough. We prefer not to look at the same human face more than once in a lifetime if we can help it. It takes a long time to get ugly things scrubbed out of a frontal lobe.

Multiple projects all going at once - "Project" is another word for "problem" in the Gemini vernacular. We have learned to love any problem that we caused, because let's face it : Gemini people are fucking awesome. The Problems we create in this world are better than other people's half-assed, grotesque solutions. And since we are the twin sign, we have a troublesome internal doppelganger always starting projects that we, in turn, don't have time to finish. It's not our fault that there are two of us.

Reading. This. Is. So. Fucking. True. We got chills down our backs. What are the chances that this clairvoyant, hippie, astrologer could figure out that Geminis enjoy reading? This person never even met all of us. I am so tripped out right now. I think I'll take a break and READ something to calm down. Oh My God. See? SEE??? What if Nostradamus and this person had gotten married and had a baby? We would know about all the conspiracies going on in the US government just by looking at dollar bills and other every day objects. That would have been fucking awesome. But maybe the universe would be off kilter again and we'd have to let the fake handicapped people off the hook or something. I don't know. This is just really too deep for my skull. Even if I am a Gemini.

* DISLIKES

Feeling tied down Hmmm...Geminis definitely don't like that if you ask them in public. But maybe if you're dating a Gemini, or say, I don't know...just throwing this out there...married to a Gemini, you might want to try asking that question again when you're all alone. And bring silky scarves or those furry handcuffs. I think it might help.

Learning, such as school - Geminis do too enjoy school. But only if they are in a class which is actually interesting. That is Geminis and also everyone else in the entire human race. Geminis do have an advantage in that they have that inherent twin doppelganger which can learn the boring shit for them while their minds are off elsewhere, fantasizing about being tied down. I mean NOT being tied down.

Being in a rut - okay, clairvoyant, hippie, palm reading, astrologer you have really brought out the big guns here. Are there any souls alive who actually like being in a rut? Not a Gemini, that's for damn sure. But we often find ourselves in one and we have absolutely no idea how we got there. It's like we are out having the time of our lives the night before, what with all the variety of boozes and the staring at the unusual and the novelty and the talking shit about people behind their backs and mentally envisioning perfectly healthy people with handicapped license plates actually earning their status ...BAM! We wake up the next day and we're in a RUT and we don't want to do any thing that made us happy before. In other words, being in a rut is what depression used to be called before they made it a bankable disease and shit. You can't sell pills to people for being in a rut (well actually you can and they work, but for some reason they are illegal). If a Gemini stays in a rut too long this leads to another dislike of the Gemini: Mental inaction - It sucks when we don't want to think because our ideas are precious gems. The ideas of a Gemini are lovely and fabulous. So if you know a Gemini in a Rut and suffering from mental inaction there is something you can do to help. Buy us really cool things. Even money wrapped really nicely is more than acceptable. Another helpful thing you could do is take us out to a really nice restaurant for dinner and don't let us pay a red cent. (This helps get the mental activity juiced up again). Before dinner, tell us that we are super skinny and you are worried about us. This way we won't feel guilty about eating our meal. If you do these things for a Gemini, and anything else you think of that is truly awesome and uplifting, then we will come full force out of our rut and we won't be mentally inactive anymore. And we would have you to thank for that.

Being alone - Last and certainly least we have as a Gemini's dislike "Being Alone". I suppose technically this is true. But, remember, we are the twin sign. A Gemini is never truly alone. There is clearly another presence within us always and we like it that way. It doesn't make us feel weird or anything, we don't pretend we have Dissociative Personality Disorder., we don't have conversations with this entity, I mean, out loud. It is just this feeling that remains with us always, and thus we are never alone. Now I will get personal and tell you something truly crazy: I named my person. And the name of my twin is something I will tell you but then you have to do something for me. Tell me what it is that I did, there, grammatically with the English Language because for the life of me I can't remember. Do you promise? If you don't promise, then stop reading right the Hell now. Here we go: My twin's name is Gem. (Gem and I. Gem and I. Are you getting this?) Gem! She's truly outrageous! Remember that cartoon, children of the 80's? The Barbies with the crazy KISS like make up and purple hair? The Barbies I think I wasn't allowed to own any of because they were like the epitome of rebellious, angst ridden youth? And I remember my friend Jenny Thompson had those dolls and I thought they were the coolest, I was so "influenced" by them like my mom said I would be. Jenny used to put that Gem cassette tape into her boom box and we'd rock out to the theme song. And there was only like one other song they sang that I can remember and it was called "Winning is Everything" and it went like this "winning is everything, winning is everything its not how you play the game". I felt so bad ass singing that song, it felt as though I was actually wearing those Rad pink star shaped sunglasses and screaming things like take that MOM and giving her the finger and totally thinking "Maybe I can't have one of these rebel barbies but I will sing this Song that defies a moral code you taught me regarding greed and doing everything I can to make sure my rock band makes it to the top no matter what the cost!" And then... Ding! Our Easy Bake Oven brownies would be done and we'd take a break from being slutty rock stars fighting over the same penis-less man to pretend we were housewives making brownies for our husbands, who were really just Jenny's brothers and her golden retriever. Anyway back to the grammar question you promised that you'd try and answer. Gem and I, Gemini. Is that a pun? Is it a homonym? Is it a fact that I am a really weird girl made even more weird by the fact that I'm on Valium and pain medication? Have any of you been entertained by this diatribe or are you freaked out a little? Either way, I don't care. I really enjoyed writing it. I feel all warm and gooey inside just like a mini cake fresh out of an Easy Bake Oven. Love you all, because you're all Geminis right?