Feeling Guilty About Being a Working Mom? You're Not Alone

Working mother often means mommy guilt. But you're not alone. Credit: Getty

It's just a fact of life: Many mothers need to work. A lot of them even want to work. But that doesn't mean they don't feel guilty about leaving their little ones for the office.

In fact, a recent survey from Working Mother magazine found that 57 percent of working mothers feel guilty every single day, and 31 percent feel guilty at least once a week.

Here at ParentDish, where many of us are working mothers (and fathers) ourselves, we found that number to actually be quite low -- there are times when we feel guilty about 10 times a day.

Dana Dorfman, a New York City psychologist, tells the magazine guilt makes a person human.

"But the danger is that an overdose of guilt can be a complete waste of time and energy, especially if it traps you in a negative cycle of thoughts," she tells Working Mother.
Nicole Else-Quest, assistant professor of psychology at Villanova University in Pennsylvania, tells the magazine that women feel pressured from a young age to be supermoms.

"Working moms feel torn," she tells Working Mother. "There are so many things to do, so many obligations. We walk around wondering, How do I do everything and do everything well?"

If we got a dollar every time we asked ourselves that question, we wouldn't be working.

ReaderComments (Page 3 of 3)

What ever happened to choice? One size does not fit all. If you want to stay at home with your kids, great! good for you. But why must we demonize women for not being June Cleaver? I personally have a full time, very demanding career. I'm there because I want to be, and no, I don't feel guilty. I could stay home with my kids if I wanted to. My husband's income is more than enough to support us all, provided we scaled back our lifestyle a bit. The problem is I felt cooped up and bored out of my mind after six weeks of maternity leave. I couldn't imagine staying home full time. I need to work not because of the material benefits, but for the intellectual stimulation, the chance to interact with grown ups about something other than poopy diapers. I don't suggest that this works for everyone, far from it. My point is that a mother needs to do what makes her happy, be it working or staying at home, because if mama ain't happy. aint noone happy. And I reserve the right to say an emphatic F*** off to the snotty, judgmental women who tell anyone that they're doing their job as a mother wrong.

Before I had my first of two, I worked full time in New York for 15 years. I wanted a baby more than anything in the world - I had 'done' working and was ready to turn the page. But I couldn't get pregnant.My husband and I suffered 4 failed in vitros till I collapsed in bed sobbing. I felt life's door slammed in my face. Then, I warmed tothe suggestion of adoption. 6 more years of false hopes and endlessapproaches, and finally, a baby girl. It was the happiest we'd ever felt in our lives. I quit working and devoted myself wholly to this child,and again several years later to another. True, there were anxious moments when I felt detached from my former world of work, butI was following my heart - the same heart my beloved mother had when she raised us 5 kids in the 1950's and 60's. It's called a sacrifice. She did it with kindness, love and mostly, a smile on her face. She died a year ago at age 90 and I miss her every day of my life. I had her face in the door of the car at school, and in the kitchen at home every day. And I feel blessed for that. In my heartI know my job would never love me back or miss me that way.Now my kids are teenagers and I work part-time while they're in school. Looking back, I wouldn't do it any other way.

I am a stay at home mom by choice. As a result, our family does not get the big vacations, we don't own a boat to go out on, and we don't get to eat dinner out much. The payoff for me is the relationship I have with my son's.

I don't think anyone should be choosing how to parent for someone else. I think having children grow up in both environments enriches the community with diversity. I believe people that make harsh judgments from either side of the fence are showing their insecurities about their choices and for those people, lighten up man we're all doing the best we can with what we have and believe in.

Parents that stay at home have issues of guilt as do parents that work, it's universal and it simply means we're concerned with giving our kids the best of everything.

As was said in a previous post, a happy mother raises happy kids regardless of her work choices!

I don't feel much guilt at all about working. Sanctimonious gloating of stay-at-home-parents aside, I'm not doing it for the benefit of exotic vacations or fancy dinners or shiny cars. Ha, I wish! That sounds like a nice life! But even with me working, our little family is quite strapped for cash.

My job, however, allows us to save for retirement and college much more quickly than we were able to when I was a SAHM. And that's very important to me. My parents were both ill and *broke* by the time they hit their late 50s - too young for Social Security and with no savings to speak of, they're barely getting by. I help pay their bills in whatever way I can, but it's a terrible burden when I've got small kids to support, too. I never want to do that to my own kids. So I've chosen this tradeoff - I'll go to work and miss out on some time with them when they are young so that I won't be destitute when they're in college. It's not about owning fancy stuff, and those of you who say that it is are speaking from a place of unfathomable privilege. You'd do well to realize that.

But yes - the feelings of exhaustion and never being able to get it all done are overwhelming. My house is never clean enough, my laundry is always piled up, and both my work and parenting do suffer a bit because I don't get enough sleep. These are tough problems.

And even if I'm not sitting in my office feeling guilty, I do miss my children. I'd like to spend more time with them than my usual workweek allows. And I work a pretty "cushy" job - a nice amount of paid time off, no overtime, a boss who doesn't notice if I come in 15 minutes late because the 4 year old took his time eating breakfast. Sometimes I think I'd kill for a 4 day workweek or the ability to work from home now and then. Nothing about this working mom gig is easy...

Wow, this is one fired-up conversation! I am a journalist/author who is writing a self-help/parenting book for moms who (shhhh) like their jobs. Basically you love you kids and like/love you work but are forever being pulled in both directions. You are so lucky to have work that you like that you don't feel you have a right to complain, but are constantly dealing with the guilt and frustration of being pulled in both directions (i.e. having the supreme pleasure of an interesting business ttrip but kid is screaming DON'T go at door; or kid has fever and you're supposed to be giving a talk you've been looking forward to). It'll be filled with personal stories from moms, and also very specific coping strategies. If interested, please email me at msilver711@yahoo.com. Thanks, Michelle Cove

I am also a working mom. Yes, indeed i feel guilty because Im missing part of my kids lives. I work 3rd shift so i am away all night while they are sleeping. I get off at 7 a.m. so when school is in Im off to taking them to school where I am in school while they are in school. I pick them both up from after school care around 4p.m., by this time im just too tired to do any activities and I have a 7 and a 5 yr. old, both girls. Even on the weekend my energy level is always on sleep mode. So me, going to school, working all night and dealing with kids being a single mom is like there is never enough time in the day for me. I feel so bad for not spending time with the girls and economy is so bad to where things are really expensive to take them on a very nice outing. I don't know what to do.

At what point are the dads involved in all this? In my family, I would expect that my spouse and I would share the working and parenting responsibilities. In my case, the agreement beween myself and her would be that she works full time, I work full time, we hire a tutor or a school to watch the kids during the day, or get grandparents to do it (if they're willing). I grew up in a household where both of my parents worked, and we went to a babysitter when not in school. Turned out just fine, love my mom and stepdad as much, if not more, for the sacrifices they made for me growing up. And yes, that included working. But the women that post on here really need to consider the role of the father in the family. Sometimes, if we're the sole breadwinner, we need a little help! And maybe we don't like being away from the kids, either. For all the SAHM's out there, I'd like your husband's job, because where I live, you can't make it on a single salary!

BTW, I think womens liberation was the best thing to ever happen to the American family. It teaches your kids the values of sacrifice when they see how hard you have to work to give them what they need.

Reading the responses I can't tell in all cases who the single parents are and who the married parents are. As a father of five children with an income below fifty thousand I am blessed with an incredible wife who knows how to handle money and watches it closely. We own a rental property, money in savings, investments for our children's future, both cars paid off. My wife homeschools our children, is a creative memory consultant (money that is made goes to scrapbook stuff so it isn't really an income), teaches a 4-H class, manages the house, and does volunteer ministry in the community. We rely on my income only. I help with laundry, dishes, making meals, coaching soccer teams, yard work and more. My point is, we both work very hard (I believe my wife works harder than me - she does have her degree too in education). Our kids learn the value of money, have chores to do themselves, and are even organizing their own fundraiser to help support a need in the community...and all my kids are below the age of 10. For the single parents and those with unique challenges in their lives like taking care of their parents and paying their bills (I also take care of my father in a nearby nursing home) my hat is off to you and the incredible love and sacrifice you make for your parents and putting food on the table. As I read the comments I also notice that working moms believe that with their working they contribute to society. I can't argue that point...it is true. On the other hand, the greatest contribution my wife and I are making to society is raising our children in an environment that teaches them value of "things" and people. Please don't think you are not contributing to society when you just stay at home with the kids. For those mom's who go crazy staying at home...my goodness...there is sooooo much to do for the society and environment (volunteer work) regardless of where you live...it may sound mean but I believe saying I have to work or I will go crazy is just an excuse to bring home a paycheck for a little more cash....I'm sorry, I know every situation is different...I'm just saying that there is much volunteer work that can be done to keep anybody busy, man or woman.If surviving on one income is very difficult...maybe it is time to reevaluate how the money you have is being spent. My sister and her husband work full time...with good paying jobs...and they can't seem to make it work...they barely make it from month to month, it just baffles my mind how that can be because they both make more than I do individually. I'm sure some of the people with comments posted have done this, but I bet there are many who believe they have their money under control. A good question to honestly ask yourself: Do I control my money, or does my money control me? For my wife and I, if our kids are going to learn about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll they are going to learn it from us and not from babysitters (not saying babysitters can't be used once in a while...but we make sure we know the babysitter well), peers, etc...In teaching our kids how to grow up and be responsible and contributing adults...no sacrifice to accomplish this is too great. What it boils down to is: What value do you want your children to develop when it comes to family and society?

I also felt guilty about working and leaving my son at the daycare for over eight hours a day. My job also made it difficult for me to regularly attend his activities such as practice, games, and so on. I felt as though I was leaving someone else to raise my child. I begin seeing things about how mothers making money at home while raising there kids so I begin searching and found www.theboutiquebible.com . I was skeptical at first until I checked out the site and from all the up front information and how clear and precise the information was I decided to give it a try. The Boutique Bible made it possible for me to become a stay at home mom while maintaining an income. It has proven to be a way to save money and make money all at the same time. Because of the transition I made I am able to participate in my sons actives such as Leader of his Boy Scout Troop, The PTA, and also able to serve on the boxing team committee. Because I am now able to play more of a significant role in my sons life, we are both happier and his grades and behavior has improved.

Once more www.theboutiquebible.com shows you how to get clothes from your closet and sell them online. You’re making money off of things that you have already brought and gotten use out of. We always give clothes away but this way you save money and make money at the same time. Check it out It works for me and my family. They give you a lot of information and it’s an easy program.

Do yourself a favor and check it out. You know how we ladies love to shop.

As a stay athome mom it never ceases to surprise me how many people think that stay at home moms are cut from a different cloth. I've been told by others, "You know it's great for you but I'm really just not into mothering." Raise your hand if you LOVE poopie diapers and housework! Uh, not me...I do it for my kids. I enjoyed working and still have great passion for what I did and hope to be able to return and get a Masters when the kids are big. There's no certain personality (i.e. boring, unintelligent, unmotivated, etc.) that is better at being at stay at home mom. It is a choice, an active choice and it is a choice I make everyday. I'm not dissing working moms, I just feel that we deserve respect and positive news and magazine articles written about us, too!