Billboard Hot 100 Top 40 Review: September 2014

Welcome back to another Top 40 Review, where we look at the top 40 songs of the US Hot 100. Well, school’s back in session for almost everyone (myself included) and the year gets more intense as we get closer to December. Something I want to address first real quickly is Billboard naming Fancy Song of the Summer. I think that’s bullshit, but then again, I never took Billboard’s Song of the Summer shit seriously. Look at some of the previous songs that Billboard gave the title to and tell me you would take then seriously. Anyways, let’s not waste time and get this bitch started.

#40. Bartender-Lady Antebellum: 000/00000

#39. New Flame-Chris Brown ft Usher & Rick Ross: Ugh. This whole song is so bland and forgettable. The production’s weak, the lyrics are generic, and every performer here sucked. Oh, and Rick Ross is on this, too. Once you hear one verse from him, you’e pretty much heard everything he does. Putting two R&B stars in one song shouldn’t have resulted in something this mediocre. This deserves to be redone without any rappers. It gets a 1 outta 5.

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#38. Really Don’t Care-Demi Lovato ft Cher Lloyd: 0/00000

#37. Amnesia-5 Seconds Of Summer: N/R

#36. No Flex Zone-Rae Sremmurd: The hell did I listen to? This shit is terrible. Sounds like a bunch of little kids trying to rap and being awful at it. Did their balls ever even drop? I don’t think they’re even old enough to go to a club with what they’re talking about. By the way, nice name; Rae Sremmurd. I’m sure people won’t have a hard time trying to pronounce such a memorable name. Hahahaha… that is the dumbest, most forgettable name any rap group would give themselves. A lot of these lyrics makes no fucking sense and are simple as shit. What the hell is even No Flex Zone? It seems like rappers pride themselves on making the dumbest thing possible. Also, the beat also sucks as it’s produced by the ever-talentless Mike WiLL Made-It. I don’t get rap fans. Y’all just listen to any nonsense with an 808 beat behind it. Can’t even call this a song, this is ghetto jungle noise made for the lowest denominator. What’s so special about this that makes people wan to buy it and have it on the charts? The world may never know, but I can tell you that this pile of doo-doo gets a 1 outta 5.

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#35. 0 To 100/The Catch Up-Drake: Yeah, I think this song is overrated. There’s really nothing special about it. Meh production that gets really boring on the second half, Drake bragging about himself like a douchebag, and it’s too fucking long. There’s a few clever lines, but nothing that makes me want to keep listening. Though it’s not bad, it’s not great either. This whole song is just meh. I give it a 2 outta 5.

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#34. 2 On-Tinashe ft ScHoolboy Q: 0/00000

#33. No Mediocre-T.I. ft Iggy Azalea: Let’s ignore the fact that this is yet another DJ Mustard product because if I talked about that, then I would just be screaming in rage by the time I would get to the song itself. You already know the moment you see or hear the name DJ Mustard, that the beat and song is gonna be trash. Anywho, onto this song. T.I. SUUUUUUCKS here. This has some of his worst rapping to date. The hook is repetitive nonsense and there’s yet another forgettable appearance from Iggy Azalea. This song was just destined to suck. It gets a 1 outta 5.

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#32. Dark Horse-Katy Perry ft Juicy J: 0/00000

#31. Lifestyle-Rich Gang ft Young Thug & Rich Homie Quan: I want to ask hip-hop fans a serious, honest-to-God question. Bear with me. Why do you like this? This song represents every god-awful rap song out there. The beat is horrible, the rapping is horrible, everything in this shit is horrible. What’s so special about Young Thug and Rich Homie Quan? What made you want to give these guys your time and money? They’re not unlike any other talentless rapper. They both can’t rap for shit and have to slap Auto-Tune on their vocals because of how annoying they are. They wouldn’t be where they are if it wasn’t for connections in the industry and pure luck. There is nothing of redeeming quality here. This gets a 1 outta 5.

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#30. Don’t-Ed Sheeran: Finally, something good. Yeah, I dig this. It has a cool vibe, from the atmosphere to the production to the vocals. Justin Timberlake’s influence is very present here as Ed stepped up his game. It’s not a perfect song as some of the lyrics are pretty laughable, but they’re tolerable. Nothing else to say but a good song. I give it a 4 outta 5.

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#29. American Kids-Kenny Chesney: 0000/00000

#28. Shower-Becky G: 0/00000

#27. Dirt-Florida Georgia Line: 00/00000

#26. Happy-Pharrell Williams: 00000/00000

#25. A Sky Full Of Stars-Coldplay: 0000/00000

#24. This Is How We Do-Katy Perry: Oh, boy. This is gonna painful. So, yeah, this song sucks. Everything in this song is a perfect representation of stupid. The beat sounds like 80s influenced barf, the lyrics are just dumb, Katy Perry sounds annoying as all hell, and this is just shameless pandering. It’s your typical party song that tries to appeal to young people, yet it’s being sung by a 30 year old woman. Yeah, this is just embarrassing for everyone involved. Something I noticed is that Katy hasn’t had a Top 10 hit since Dark Horse, her more recent singles have been moving like snails. I think this might be a sign that some people are getting tired of Katy Perry, but I doubt it. Anything can happen. I give this a 1 outta 5.

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#23. Cool Kids-Echosmith: I think this song is whatever. It has okay production and the song topic about wanting to fit in is pretty nice. The lyrics are hit and miss, with some good lines and bad. My problem with this song is the hook and the amount of repetition. It does get on my nerves. Overall, this song left no impact, but I don’t hate it. I give it a 3 outta 5.

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#22. All Of Me-John Legend: 00000/00000

#21. Latch-Disclosure ft Sam Smith: 0000/00000

#20. Burnin’ It Down-Jason Aldean: 000/00000

#19. Hot Nigga-Bobby Schmurda: This is bad, really bad. This isn’t even a song, it’s a freestyle over an instrumental over one of Lloyd Banks’ songs. Bobby Schmurda can’t rap for shit and his voice is annoying. This song is about killing people and selling drugs, just like a lot of gangster rap songs and this one doesn’t stand out at all from the others. The only reason it blew up was because of the video where Bobby did a stupid ass dance that was highlighted on fucking Vine videos.

I refuse to take any individual that does this seriously.

So here’s another song with simplistically shitty lyrics that blew up on the internet because of a dance craze that resulted in a record deal and… oh, fuck me. It’s Soulja Boy all over again. I don’t need to be a fortune teller to say that Bobby won’t last. He’s basically the 2014 version of whatever one-hit wonder came out with a hit last year and didn’t make it far. Did we not learn anything from Kreayshawn and Trinidad James? Don’t be surprised if you never hear from Bobby Schmurda again next year. This shit gets a 1 outta 5.

#3. Anaconda-Nicki Minaj: Well, it wasn’t gonna be long before we get to this song, so let me make some things clear. For people saying that this song and the video is pro-feminist, they’re not. They’re the exact opposite of pro-feminist. This whole thing is just selling sex appeal for attention. Onto to the song itself, it’s HORRIBLE. It’s trash, it’s crap, it’s a lot of things wrong with popular music. The beat is terrible, it lazily samples Baby Got Back and doesn’t do anything new or creative. The lyrics are horrible, it’s just Nicki bragging about fucking drug dealers. This whole song is just dumb and annoying. I’m not gonna even discuss the video, which is basically a step away from being softcore pornography. It’s more male gaze for teenage boys to jerk off to. This whole song gets a 1 outta 5.

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#2. Shake It Off-Taylor Swift: I’m not gonna talk much about this song because I’ve previously did a Target Practice on it, so if you wanna know my opinions on this, then go check that out. For now, all I can tell you is that it’s a typical annoying Taylor Swift song and it gets a 1 outta 5.

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#1. All About That Bass-Meghan Trainor: 0000/00000

So those were the Top 40 songs on the Billboard Hot 100 as of September 13, 2014. Stay tuned next month when I do another Top 40 Review. Next week, the Top 10 Worst Songs of 2010.