So, Lord Heseltine... how do you feel about David Cameron likening you to a horny gorilla?

Lord Heseltine was deputy prime minister under John Major and defence secretary under Margaret ThatcherCredit:
EPA/FACUNDO ARRIZABALAGA

Lord Heseltine is an elder statesman. A figure esteemed for his wisdom, expertise and dignity. A man who, across the political spectrum, is regarded with respect.

Today in Parliament, before an audience of MPs and journalists, he was informed that David Cameron had privately likened him to a gorilla having sex.

What happened was this. Lord Heseltine and George Osborne were in front of the business select committee, giving their views on industrial strategy.

Lord Heseltine told the committee that he’d been delighted to advise Mr Cameron’s government in this area, and that Mr Osborne had been an “exceptional” chancellor. Mr Osborne, for his part, told the committee that he and Mr Cameron had been delighted with the advice Lord Heseltine had given.

“He wrote this,” said Mr Wright – and quoted a passage from Coalition, Mr Laws’s recent memoir. The passage alleged that, when Lord Heseltine’s report on growth-creation was presented to them, Messrs Cameron and Osborne had derided it. “A fourth-term priority,” Mr Cameron had snorted. “Yes, a fourth-term priority – for a different government,” Mr Osborne had chortled.

George Osborne answers questions in front of the business select committeeCredit:
Press Association

In responding to Lord Heseltine, however, it was essential to be diplomatic, Mr Cameron had added. Because in his words – at least according to Mr Laws – “Michael is a very big beast in the political jungle. Upsetting him over this would be as risky as interrupting a silverback while he’s mating.”

As Mr Wright concluded this quotation, all eyes turned to its subject.

Lord Heseltine was sitting quite still, staring at Mr Wright, with a strange, open-mouthed grin frozen to his face. He did not speak.

Mr Osborne coughed up a dry little laugh. “What I find with lots of these memoirs,” he said, “is they don’t match my own recollection of what was said in the room… [But] since you refer to those alleged conversations, which as I say I don’t remember at all…”

A figure of Lord Heseltine’s experience will hardly need reminding that, in politics, saying you don’t remember something is not the same as saying it didn’t happen.

“I don’t believe the simplicity of those quotations,” he said coolly. He’d had “freedom to say what I wanted”, his recommendations had received “a warm welcome”, and their implementation had made “such progress”.

Lucky Mr Osborne. Spared the gorilla’s wrath.

The three Brexiteers, from left: Boris Johnson, Liam Fox and David Davis

Three other politicians, however, didn’t escape so lightly. David Davis, Liam Fox and Boris Johnson, noted Lord Heseltine, were in charge of Brexit.

“A brilliant set of appointments,” he said. “If there are all these markets that have escaped the attention of British exporters, it will be marvellous to have it pointed out to them by the new minister responsible.”