For the past week, a series of Bigfoot sightings at area campsites have
terrorized campers and resulted in the disappearance of several family pets.
Mrs. Kintner, the owner of a missing poodle, Poopsie, has put a $3000 reward
down for the live capture of "Sasquatch". Locals concerned that the bad press may hurt their lucrative summer business have asked for an emergency town meeting.

Mayor: Please! Let's have some order! Town member #1: What about the government?! Can't they help? Mayor: The government says that as long as no people have been taken, there's
nothing they can do. Sheriff... would you please? Sheriff: Uh, I just... Uh, I just wanna tell you what we're planning so far... Town member #2: What about the campgrounds, chief? Sheriff: We're gonna put on the summer... the extra summer deputies as soon
as possible. And then... Councilwoman [sternly]: Are you going to close the campgrounds? Sheriff: Yes we are.

The near chaos that erupts is interrupted by the screech of fingernails
scratching a chalkboard. Everyone turns to the back of the room to see a
thin, goofy man with bad teeth, wearing hip high waders and a fishing cap
with a foot-long green visor. He pauses to take a bite from a banana.

"Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for ya,
but it ain't gonna be easy... Bad primate. It's not like going down to the zoo
watching marmosets or ring-tailed lemurs. This ape - swallow yur pet whole.
L'il shakin', l'il tenderizin', down they go. Now we gotta do it quick, that'll
bring back the tourists, that'll put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But
it's not gonna be pleasant! I value my neck a lot more than 3000 bucks, chief!
I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him... and cage him... for ten! Now you
gotta make up your minds. Gonna stay alive and ante up? Or ya wanna play it
cheap, be on welfare the whole winter? I don't want no volunteers; I don't
want no mates. There's too many captains in this town. Ten thousand dollars
for me by myself. For that you get the head, the feet, the whole damn thing."

Mayor: Thank you very much. We'll, uh, we'll take it under advisement.

"Allllllllllllllrighty then!"

Ace Ventura vs. Bigfoot

The Commentary

MARK: $10,000? That's a pretty steep bill for failure. The fine folks
in Amity can keep their hard-earned money. Ace won't be able to find, much
less capture, Bigfoot.

Bigfoot appears to be living by the entertainment axiom that has eluded Jim
Carrey for decades: Leave 'em wanting more. Bigfoot makes an appearance
every decade or so, waves at the camera to let folks know he's still there,
and goes back into hiding. Now, he's a household name and cult figure.
Carrey makes a movie every year or so, waves at the camera to let folks know
he's still there ... and waves ... and waves ... and waves... He's become a
caricature of himself. Certainly, a multi-million-dollar caricature, but a
caricature none-the-less.

But what's more important is that Bigfoot has avoided capture for decades.
There is no way Ace could catch him. Bigfoot's guile is too much for Ace.
Ace is used to finding captured critters that probably want to be found so
they can go home. Bigfoot is semi-intelligent and clearly enjoys the
freedom of not being captured.

Furthermore, Bigfoot could sense Ventura a mile away. Loud, obnoxious,
disturbing -- and that's just Ace's wardrobe. If you attached an ambulance
siren to Ventura and followed him with a fireworks show, he wouldn't be more
conspicuous. (He is not a subtle person.) A creature that has eluded
civilization for this long isn't going to be snuck up on by someone like
Ace.

$10,000 for that? I think not.

BRIAN: You think Jim Carrey can't relate to Bigfoot? You're forgetting that he has experience being a freakish, hairy recluse with a huge ass: The Grinch! There was even a direct comparison of the two in the movie. Ace Ventura already has a superhuman ability to relate to animals, at best equating him with Tarzan, at worst making him more powerful than Dr. Doolittle. This along with his Grinch experience will allow him to effectively read Bigfoot's mind and thus easily track his target.

But before I go too in-depth on the abilities of Ace, let me first address the shortcomings of Mr. Sasquatch. Talk about the most overrated mystery animal of all-time. I'd take Nessie or even Mokele-mbembe over this guy any day. Look at his resume: First of all, one of his biggest claims to fame is serving as comic foil to John Lithgow, which puts him level on the evolutionary scale with French Stewart. French Stewart! Second of all, Bigfoot is completely uncool. Why? Because he is the leading cause of death of the Six Million Dollar Man TV show, getting 3 times as many votes as Steve Austin's impossibly cheesy mustache! Even with the combined coolness of Fezzik, Lurch, and Lindsay Wagner on his side, he still brought a classic television series to its knees. Aliens? That's just pathetic, and, quite frankly, unforgivable.

Let's face it: Bigfoot is essentially nothing more than French Stewart running around the woods in a monkey suit picking off poodles. Will that be harder to sniff out than a secretly transsexual former place kicker? As you said: I think not.

MARK: So, you're saying that Bigfoot can kill the Six Million Dollar
Man but cannot kill the Heavily in Debt Pet Detective? That's what we in
the debate business call "a reach." FYI, there.

Also, I know it is an easy mistake, but please do not confuse Ron Howard's
overcompensating for his rapidly retreating hairline with Jim Carrey's
relating to Bigfoot. Two separate concepts there. Sure, Howard's Grinch
was hairy and freakish, but a recluse? Hardly! He spent more time at the
mall than did the shoppers! Jim Carrey/Ace Ventura relates to Bigfoot like
Jim Janos/Jesse Ventura relates to a barber. Better luck next time.

And I can't help but wonder if you're willing to settle for Nessie or
Mokele-mbembe because, in your heart, you know that you'd never be ABLE to
take Bigfoot. Rather than admit defeat, you'd rather pretend it was never
your goal in the first place. It's a classic example of sour grapes; grapes
which you and Ace will be sharing. (Enjoy!)

Speaking of Ace, weren't you going to go "in-depth on the abilities of Ace?"
All I see is weak name-dropping. Maybe next time, huh?

To sum up, let me put this as direct as possible. Bigfoot's habit of hiding
beneath trees will serve him well. Ace Ventura is so "over the top," he'd
never see Bigfoot.

Once again, I say that the fine taxpayers of Amity Township had best not
waste their hard-earned dollars on Ace Ventura. He'll never catch Bigfoot.

BRIAN: Man, I haven't heard this kind of spin control since the Iraqi Information Minister went on "sabbatical" in eastern Syria. First of all, Bigfoot didn't "kill" the Six Million Dollar Man. He killed the show. Thus, he is not some bionic slayer as you make him out to be, but rather he is on par with the likes of Cousin Oliver, Scrappy-Doo, and Ted McGinley. Hmmm... so we've got a monkey that's part French Stewart and part Scrappy-Doo, and you're picking him to win anything?

Second of all, I apologize for not getting to Ace's abilities soon enough for you, but the shortcomings of Bigfoot were so overwhelming that I got carried away until the red light came on and the stage manager cut me off. If you want a quick snapshot at his incredible powers, consider this: He bedded Courteney Cox! And keep in mind that this was back when she was still hot, and well after she got rid of that horrible 80s hair, so don't give me any guff about that merely equating him with Chandler Bing, David Arquette or Alex P. Keaton. That's a major accomplishment. (And if you don't buy that, I can play the Cameron Diaz or Lauren Holly cards.)

And I haven't even gotten started on his Sherlock Holmes-esque ability to assess a pet-related crime scene. One quick whiff of Bigfoot's most recent dung pile, and Ace will know exactly where he hangs out. Combine all of this with his experience, his unwavering passion for the welfare of pets, and Bigfoot's major issues, and the answer is clear: Sasquatch coming soon to a freak show near you.

Ace Ventura (1736 - 54.4%)

Bigfoot (1458 - 45.6%)

You both are missing the point. Ace Ventura has this one locked,
and it has NOTHING to do with his pet detective skills, his last
name, or even Ron Howard.

It's "The Hollywood Law of Religions." This law states that when
a movie has someone with definitive religious beliefs, that religion
must have a highly exaggerated nature or power. Good examples
include anything with Wiccan, The Exorcist and Catholicism, and
countless others

Here, we know from the second Ace Ventura film that he is not
only Buddhist, but has been a Buddhist monk. Let's review what
powers Hollywood gives Buddhists and Buddhist monks:

1. Excellent martial artists. Every kung fu movie EVER has a
Buddhist or Buddhist monk that can defeat an entire army. Strange,
since they're PACIFISTS, but nonetheless this power exists.

2. Extreme meditation. In Ace Ventura 2, he is able to contact a
higher-up Buddhist monk for necessary info by meditating and
chanting. Clearly, he'll still have this power

3. Healing. In Tomb Raider, bitter tea made by a Buddhist monk
can cure bullet wounds. He probably has this power too.

So, there you have it, Grudge-fans. Ace Ventura, by Hollywood
law, is a great martial artist, can get all the info he needs, and
can heal wounds with tea. Even Tenacious D can't save THIS
Sasquatch...

- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Bigfoot does not exist. Therefore, he cannot win. Likewise, Ace
Ventura cannot capture him, so he cannot win either. I'm not quite
sure what will happen, but I'll bet it involves a time warp.

- Fish of Death

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Oh, for the love of all that is good and decent in the
Universe....gentlemen, you have simultaneously written the concept
for "Ace Ventura III" and "Harry And The Hendersons II"!

- Affy

Ace wins. Did you see how he manhandled that giant eagle at the Super
Bowl? He obviously has experience when it comes to animals much
larger than he is, so Bigfoot should be no problem.

- Mike Brzeski, aka Captain Awesome

Amity, huh? Well I guess we can only hope that Jim Carrey either
gets eaten by a shark, swarmed to death in the room full of flies, or
hacked up by Ron DeFeo . Otherwise there's bound to be a sequal, and, God
help us, it'll probably be a musical.

Besides, what if it turns out to be Chewbacca?

- Dr. Stones

Ace finds things that are lost. Bigfoot isn't lost. He exists as
rumour, if at all. He's probably got one of those flashy things from
the MIBs.

- Galahad

I think Bigfoot has a great advantage here: invisibility/speed.

Whenever you see a picture of him, he's all blury! This must be
because he is running really really fast. So fast, you can barely
see him! He could run right away from Ace, if all else fails.
(Sure, some people blame the photographer, but I know better.)
How is Ace going to SEE Bigfoot, never mind catch him live??

- Dacada the Great, Lover of Stickmen

That said, I'd like to cite what really should be the number one
reason for Bigfoot to win: The Bad Movie Factor.(TM) Fortunately, I
happen to have a copy of what is arguably the foremost source of
cinematic crap, I Hated Hated Hated This Movie by Roger Ebert.

While "Bigfoot" (1971) was bad enough to earn a 1 1/2 star rating
and one of the text's more scathing reviews ("Why am I taking your
time - time that you could spend trimming your toenails...to
review 'Bigfoot'?"), it truly speaks volumes for the awfulness of
Ace on screen when the first two movies alphabetically listed in the
book happen to be "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" and "Ace Ventura:
When Nature Calls". (TOTAL combined rating of both films: 2 stars).

So two days after Ace sets out on the trail of Sasquatch, he himself
is found...roasting over a makeshift spit.

(Besides which, "Ace Ventura 2" was directed by Steve Oedekerk,
director and star of "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist", a film of such
bombastic godawfulness that I risk serious internal eyeball bleeding
every time I happen to watch it).

- RoboGoober Version 2

I don't know about you chaps, but I'd sure fork over Amity's ten grand
to see Ace Ventura (a.k.a. Jim Carrey) fail....and wind up Biggie's
biggie-size entree ANY friggin' day of the year....

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

Well, duh. Bigfoot had a monster truck named after him. That means
he can pull in all the monster trucks from every truck rally ever as
his allies.

Ace: Nobody wants to play with me! Monster Truck Drivers: We'll play with you, now just lie down
flat on the ground and close your eyes.

Next thing you know, Bigfoot is introduced to a new taste treat:
Ventura Road Kill! (which I bet tastes a lot like chicken)

PS: Being connected to John Lithgow and French Stewart is good, not
bad. Let's not forget who won Coneheads vs. Solomons. Bigfoot
carries the power of WWWF victory with him.

I'd like to point out that Brian refernced the Grinch. Therefore I
shall invoke the ability to use alter-egos of the characters. For
Bigfoot, there is basically only one other-Yeti, but same
difference. Now for Jim Carry, You have the Mask, an actual super-
power comic book come to life. I'm pretty sure that the Mask could
catch Bigfoot, even in a yellow zuit suit. however should the Mask
fail, Carry call fall back on Bruce Almighty, his new alter-ego. Ace
Ventura might be normal Carry, but Bruce Almighty is Carry with the
powers of God. I don't remember anyone being able to avoid God.

- evilhomer

You´re forgetting that in the animated series,Ace Ventura fought with
BOTH a mutated British monster and a weremoose.That´s as close to
Bigfoot as you can get.

PLUS, he has Spike,his loyal monkey sidekick who will do anything for
him and wrestle any hairy freak.

Ace will have this simian monster caged and taged faster than you can
say"LOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSEEEEEERRRRRR!!!!!!!"

- Tyler Durden(YEAH,BABY,YEAH!)

(Ace slowly hunts the beast, moving as stealthy as a rubber faced ADD
suffering 35 year old can move. He waits for his moment, as Big Foot
bends down to get a drink....)

Ace: I've got you!
Big Foot: (In a familiar voice) Jim, what are you doing? You scared the dung out of me. (Does a series of weird noises)
Ace: Wait, I know that voice..... It can't be!
(Big Foot takes out a razor and shaves away some of the hair on his face)
Big Foot: Yes Jim, it's me. (more noises)
Ace: Robin! What are you doing here?
Robin Williams/Big Foot: I run away.
Ace: Why?
Robin Williams/Big Foot: IT all happened after I finished Death to Smoochy. I knew how horrible it was. Rather than face the critics, I decided to become a hideous man beast.
Ace: But Robin, what about the real big foot?
Robin: That was me too. What can I say, it was the seventies, and I liked to hike in the nude.
Ace: This makes no sense!
Robin: Doesn't it? All old comedians run into the woods and become
hideous beasts of legend when their movies bomb. Do you think it was
a coincidence that Mokele-mbembe appears whenever Rosie O'Donald goes
on vacation? And why do you think Carrot Top visits Mexico so much?
It's not for the Texilas, that's for sure.
Ace: Carrot Top is the Chupacabra?
Robin: Small little annoying thing that drains the life out of you?
Ace: I see your point.
Robin: Every myth and legend can be traced back to a comedian who did a bad pic.
Ace: Really?
Robin: Yup. Speaking of that, I have been meaning to give you some forms to fill out. Let's you choose what monster legend you'll be.
Ace: Oh, I don't need to become a run-away turned monster.
Robin: Hey, we let you go with a warning when you did Cable Guy. But the Majestic?
Ace: Hey, I was trying something different.
Robin: Sure, that will work out well. Got to go Jim, see you later.
(Lumbers back into the bush)

- Mr. Chaos

I don't know about bigfoot, but no one's seen Jim Carrey for the past
few years...

- Albatross

I think it bears pointing out that Bigfoot is also called Sasquatch,
and that Sasquatch was a character in the short-lived Marvel comic
title Alpha Flight.

You may remember from this comic book that Sasquatch was the gamma-
ray-induced alter ego of super-scientist Walter Langowski, but it's
also relevant to note that he was ALSO in fact one of the seven Great
Beasts from primordial times with strength and abilities far beyond
the realm of mortals.

Sasquatch went mano-a-mano with The Incredible Hulk on at least one
occasion and was able to hold his own, so Ace Ventura should be no
obstacle. Sasquatch could squeeze Ventura into a bloody pulp with
one finger.

- Coopsta

Well, I am glad to see that Ace Ventura finally has the opportunity
to compete in a grudge match.I am also glad that this match parodies
the greatest movie of all time, Jaws. However, by the grudge match
logic, Ace Ventura is playing the Quint role. I would warn of
spoilers ahead, but I know damn well my grudge match brothers and
sisters have seen Jaws. If you havent u dont deserve to be here in
the grudge match universe. Ace Ventura will end up going along with
two people hunting for Bigfoot. He will need a scientist, played by
former grudge match champion Scotty. And rounding off the trio will
be the heroic sheriff, played by grudge match champion John
McClane. They will be in the woods looking for the creature when all
of a sudden, it will strike. It jumps out of no where and knocks Ace
down, killing him instantly. With Ace gone, Sheriff McClane pulls
out his gun and shoots at the creature, but misses. It disappears.
Then the creature strikes again, this time knocking out Scotty.

Now only McClane is left. Alone. Against a huge opponent.Boy hes feeling
Deja Vu. Then Bigfoot strikes again, attacking John. However John
punches it and wrestles around with it. He looks around and finds an
oxygen tank. He hits the creature repeatedly with it and throws the
tank into Bigfoot's big mouth. The creature throws John ten feet
then charges at him. While the creature charges at John , John
begins unloading his bullets on the creature, trying to hit the
tank. Finally, in true action film form with one bullet left, he
aimes and says "Yippie Ky Yay motherf@cker" and shoots, blowing the
creature up instantly. John McClane then goes to check up on his
crew, then wakes Scotty up. They then walk to the city, having taken
down the urban myth.

- FBI Agent Will Graham, the man who took down Hannibal Lecter

This all comes down to the mob theory, developed by Joe
McCarthy. When it comes down a poll, like that of WWWF Grudge Match,
the person who is less-likely to be chased around by a mob wins.
This can be seen in every presidental election. George Bush beat Al
Gore because a lot of people wanted to beat Al Gore up for his "I invented the internet" comment. This applies to the Ventura Vs. Bigfoot match.

Ace Ventura: According to the Internet Movie Database, Ace is
considered "a breath of fresh air", "GREEEEAT!", and "Classic!".
He's been known to talk with his butt.

Bigfoot: An unknown creature that's been hunted down for
years. All he leaves around are giant footprints and tiny bits of
hair.

So, by the laws of McCarthy, Bigfoot is the most likely to have a
mob chasing him, thus Ace Ventura wins.

...

Wait, Ace talks with his butt?

- Killer B...I own a turtle

Hmmm...

Ace Ventura stuck wandering around in the Washington rain-
forrest until he finds Bigfoot?

Expect Bigfoot to have dozens of helpers on this one.

- Thank GOD I live in Oregon

As episode 7G09 of The Simpsons tells us, we know exactly
where Bigfoot is hiding. because Bigfoot is Homer Simpson! All
Ace has to do is figure out what state Springfield is in and... Ok,
Bigfoot wins.

- Emmy the Homicidal Maniac

Mix these two guys in a transporter accident, and you'll get Robin
Williams.

- Kilgore Trout

I vote for Bigfoot, because he doesn't exist, and how can you catch
something that doesn't exist? It's like trying to find the members
of the Braveheart Jihad (There is No Jihad).

- Aliennex

Sasquatch will simply elude Ace Ventura by roaming to Canada and
claiming to be the Abominable Snowman.

- Grudge-Pops: Now in new bite-size chunks!

Congratulations! You have come up with the best definition of a win-
win situation I've ever seen. No matter who wins this one, the world
will be better off for losing an ugly and obnoxiously over -
promoted sub human primate.

- Koske

Last time movie commercials bombarded me, I seem to recall one of
them indicating Jim Carrey's current role as being granted the power
of God Almighty. Let me reiterate; he has the power of GOD
available to him. Heck, if we count the Mask, he's got the power of
another god, Loki, too! Sure, having the power of a god doesn't always mean victory on Grudge Match, but given that in this case
it is unlikely Bigfoot has an army of fanboys ready to vote for him
(probably the opposite if the Six Million $ Man's bunch get wind of
this match) the furball with size 18 feet hasn't got a prayer.
Literally, in this case...

- "Mad Dog" Mike

I hate to say this, guys, but it's already over. By the time Ventura made that 20-minute Jaws-spoofing speech, sampled the local guano to test for pollution, assaulted the mayor's mother with a rabid tapir after she scoffed his dress sense, slept with a woman played by an actress who should never have left television, invented a new catchphrase that makes no sense, made some 200 facial expressions that only Plasticman should have the right to make, and had his butt crack sing "Funiculi Funicula" in E minor, Bigfoot had plenty of time to haul tail out of that forest. Bigfoot crashes into the town square, seizes Ventura by the ankles, and hammers his head into the wall repeatedly. The townspeople, by now sick of this freak, make no move to help, and instead start calling out what each blow atones for: "Dumb & Dumber!" "The Cable Guy!" "When Nature Calls!" "The Mask!" "Batman Forever!" "The Majestic!" "Me, Myself and Irene!" "Man in the Moon!" "The Grinch!" Ventura will survive - he was toughened from that self-assault scene in "Liar Liar" - but he's definitely out of commission. Bigfoot is hailed as a local hero, goes on to be a successful Rogaine spokesbeast, and eventually marries Jennifer Lopez. Both are vicious man-eaters, after all.

- Oxymoron - Another Grudge loser named "Ventura". Sigh.

Ace looked down from the net that he had just trodden in, now suspended high above the trees. It was very annoying for him, seeing he had set it up himself this morning. He was sure that this trap would have worked! None of them had so far.

"What has this ape got that I haven't?!" he raved.

Meanwhile, in a cave somewhere, Bigfoot glanced at the portable TV he had stolen from a camper. He grunted, partly in pleasure at outsmarting Ace once again and partly in suprise that reality television came in useful for once. With this secret weapon, he was sure to outsmart that jerk!

He settled down and started watching The Truman Show once again, and laughed at Ace's efforts to get out of the net.

- Mixmaster Flibble

Officers Eugene Tackleberry and Katleen Kirkland are all smiles
as they drive down the road. Katleen looks absolutely beautiful
in her white wedding dress, and Eugene, dressed in his official
blues, is absolutely stoked for later on this evening, when he'll
get his new wife into bed for the second time.

The feeling of lust in his loins is only matched by the feeling of
power in his hands as he clenches the steering wheel of this
special truck. He glances out the front windshield, and
Tackleberry marvels at how different it feels to be in the driver's
seat of a vehicle that is a good eight feet above the pavement.
His good friend Crey Mahoney certainly made the right decision
on the type of vehicle needed to take him and his new wife to and
from the wedding reception.

As the lovebirds slowly approach the Mid-Central Hunting and
Gun Club for their wedding reception, they hear a loud Tarzan
hollar coming from off their right. They both turn, just in time to
see Ace Ventura swinging towards them on a long rope he had
attached to a neighboring telephone pole. Ace lets himself go,
and he lands with a hard thump on the hood of the shiny blue
truck.

"Lllllllllllllllllike a glove!"

Tackleberry and Kirkland stare at him for just a second in
complete shock, but before too long they both break out of their
catatonia and begin reaching for their semi-automatic weapons
they both have hidden in the folds of their clothing. Unfortunately,
before they're able to unholster their weapons, Ace leaps around
to the driver's side window, lifts his legs like a trapeze artist, and
then kicks into the cabin, catching Eugene on the side of the
head. In what could only be considered "cartoon-like" in it's
execution, the passenger's side door pops open and the two
officers tumble from the cab, landing hard on the lawn below.
The erstwhile Pet Detective flops onto the front seat, and leans
out the passenger side to grab the truck door and speak to the
two folks below him on the ground.

"Sorry Officers! But this little baby is netting me $10,000!"

With a slam he closes the truck's door, slides into the driver's
seat, jams the clutch and pops the vehicle into gear. With a start
it takes off down the road, and we watch as the large plastic
"Just Married" barrels continue to get dragged along behind.
Aparently the ciitzens of Amity never really made it clear WHICH
Bigfoot Ace needed to capture, and in his mind, this was the
easiest 10 G's he's ever made.

- Fish

I'm a recent indoctrinate in the Grand Conspiracy and let me tell you, the Secret History of the World is a helluva read! Did you know that Jack the Ripper was an alien gray, or that Lee Harvey Oswald was a robot super-agent built by the CIA? He was "decommissioned" by Jack Ruby because he failed to prevent a time traveling Mark Twain from shooting JFK from the grassy knoll. Of course, it was later discovered that the real JFK had been dead for years and Twain only succeeded in killing a clone created by the Soviets using genetic material collected by their sleeper agent, Marilyn Monroe. Anyway, getting to the point, there's a lot about Bigfoot you don't know. Like his brief career as a gunslinger in the Old West, during which he was wounded in battle with Billy the Kid, his charge up San Juan Hill in the company of Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders, his integral role in rooting out secret Communists during the McCarthy hearings, or his part in preventing Monaco from becoming a nuclear power. If Bigfoot is kidnapping pets, it probably has something to do with saving the world. Ace Ventura doesn't know what he's getting into. A week from now, no one will remember he ever existed.

- Don "King" Milliken never existed. He was an illusion created by swamp gas reflected off Venus during the full moon. Move along, nothing to see here.

You Assholes! I started reading your opening to the match and I ran
over and put Jaws in the DVD player, I was ready to find good points
in the movie that had to do with this match. Then I finished
reading and found out it was Ace Ventura. I hate you people. I
seriously hope you all DIE!! So basically the winner of this match
is gonna be Bigfoot. Cus I, being so pissed off, will snap and kill
Ace. Thats the end of it.

- Rj

Can I pay Bigfoot $20,000 to bring me Ace? Preferably as six
seperate installments over the next half year.

- Plain, simple Garak

In order to truly comprehend this match, you must understand the true
nature of Bigfoot. Bigfoot is not some primitive primate. It is also
not a space alien (at least not completely).

The shocking truth is that the original Bigfoot was the result of a
"mating" between Ron Jeremy and a Wookie.

The child was taken back in time by a species of space aliens that
look strangly like "AirWolf" star Jan-Michael Vincent to the Earth
before the first recorded siting of Bigfoot.

Since the creature is part human- part alien, I don't think Ace really
has a chance of catching it.

Our only real hope of seeing the Bigfoot is if it is curious to see
the return of Chewbacca in Episode III.

Other than that, it will remain as elusive as decent cafeteria food.

- They Might Be Matt

Why Ace's Hair Is So Messed Up In The Morning

It is night-time after a long day of solving animal-related cases,
clearing canary poop, and scoring with hot babes the likes of
Courteney Cox. A perfectly groomed Ace Ventura gets into his Smokey
the Bear pyjamas. His huge volume of hair is tied in a pony tail -
not a hair is out of place. He collapses into bed, dreaming of being
on a prime-time comedy sketch show.

In the wee hours, some soft huffy breathing can be heard outside the
bedroom window. It slides up and the Sasquatch pokes his head inside.
He clambers through the window and moves over to the bed. Throwing
off the covers, he picks the sleeping pet detective up by the hair
and swings him around and around. He throws away the hair band and
completely musses up the mop of hair. He then turns Ace, still
sleeping, upside-down and sweeps around the floor with Ace's head.

This continues for the following fifteen minutes: Bigfoot messes up
the oblivious Ace's hair. He then puts him back to bed, tucks him in,
and leaves the same way he came.

Ace wakes up, not knowing why he still feels so exhausted after a
good 8 hours rather than refreshed. He gets up and goes over to the
mirror. His hair is pointing in at least 4 discernable directions.

'Hey, not bad,' he thinks.

- Now was it Guszilla or Sugzilla?

(The Crocodile Hunter is busy moving through a dense forest.)
Steve Irwin: G'daye mytes! Croc Hunta hear on'th trayl of th'elusive
Sasquatch. Although tought of mostly as a legend, th'Sasquatch is in
fact rayl. A diminishing spaycies on the verge of extinction,
th'Sasquatch may very well be th'only suvivin' member of'ts kind. A
big, gruff creatcha, th'Sasquatch fayds mosly on d'mesticated dawgs,
doin' so by sneakin' inter samll towns at night. CRIKEY! There's ol'
Sasquatch righ now!

(Camera pans over to a big, furry figure striding through a meadow)

SI: E'god! E's 'UGE! 'E must be up at forty feet! Oh wyte...... th'Sasquatch appears to be confronted by somethin'.

(Ace Ventura bursts out of the undergrowth with an unusual Xena-esque
sound, bringing a net down on the Sasquatch's head)

SI: Crikey, I dunno what dat is, but itsa weird critta, I bet! Looks
like a fight's goin' on!

(The Sasquatch roars, and tears apart the net. Before Ace can run, the
Sasquatch grabs him with both hands. The camera turns away as sounds
of Ace being torn limb from limb are heard.)

I've seen enough Ace Ventura movies to know how this works.
Ventura's a great detective, but his specialty lies in finding
actual animals. This isn't Big foot. It's Al Gore. Understandably
he's fallen apart after his defeat in 2000, but you have to feel
sorry for the guy. His facial hair now masks the upper part of his
body, he roams the wrong Washington, and he's even stealing pets to
comfort his solitary existence. Ventura will find the pets, as is
his nature, but you already know who's to blame when an unkempt man
in a suit asks where the nearest statehouse is.

Given that the "authentic" pictures taken of Bigfoot look about as
realistic as an extra from 2001 who wondered off the set, I have no
doubt that this alleged "missing link" is no more than a dirty hippie
who hasn't bathed since 1967, or Chewbacca's illegitimate offspring
with Marlon Brando. Given what I know about hippies and Marlon
Brando, that they are slow, easily confused, and ever hungry, Ace will
have no trouble hunting them down. All he needs to do is put a bag of
Munchies over a net (old school Return of the Jedi style) and wait.
Seriously people, no contest. Ace is the man.

- Purple Monkey Dishwasher

i wish noah had forgotten both of these two when he was packing the
ark.

- the genie

Ace will begin yodeling out of his butt, and Bigfoot will come to
kill him(for the sake of the forest). Bigfoot will step on a
tripwire that will set off an enourmously complicated trap system
involving a catapult, a marmoset, and three bowling balls, which will
result in a cage falling on him. Victory Ace.

- Old HickDonald

My, oh my. Ace has no idea what he's gotten himself into.
Really, what is Bigfoot but the Yeti at a different address? And
those who have read the Necronomicon (TM) know that the Abominable
Snowmen of Mi-Go are actually fungi from lightless Yuggoth at the rim
of the solar system. Anyone who's read Lovecraft's "The Whisperer in
Darkness" knows that when Bigfoot encounters Ace, he'll try to drive
him insane and bring his brain back to Yuggoth in a silver cylinder.
Luckily for him, he won't have to bother with the insanity part.

It's so simple! At first glance it would seem that Ace Ventura would
win. However, then it occured to me. Who is palsy with Bigfoot? Who
are the only people that he lets interview and get pictures of him?
TABLOIDS!!! And especially, The Weekly World News. And you know who
works for the WWN? Bat Boy. Now tell me, what is the single animal
that the Ace man is afraid of? Bats! And Bat Boy is no ordinary bat,
he is a super terrorist-fighting bat person with his own musical. I
think I rest my case.

- -Mr. Keyboard

It's not long before Ace picks up the 'Foot's trail (Hey, it IS an
island; not many places to go). Though he has tracked the creature
to the entrance of its lair, years of jungle experience have taught
him it would be foolish to venture in after it. But just as he
begins to devise a plan to lure the beast out, there is a flash of
light and a high pitched sound. As if out of thin air, a confused
man wearing a Red Shirt appears at the cave's entrance.

"Damn! I finally get that teleporter to work and I wind up on
another island!" These turn out to be the last words he speaks, as
the Bigfoot charges from its cave and eats his face off, allowing
Ace to execute a perfect sleeper hold from behind, knocking the ape
unconcious.

So Ventura snags the ten grand, the mystery of Bigfoot is exposed
and, most importantly of all, Star Trek DOES lose.

- Canus Shamus

As the debate to Bigfoot's gender comes to a shocking conclusion, I
pity those who stand behind it as the zipper is pulled.

- JmanX (The X stands for Captain Winky)

We know that several sightings in the Springfield (Oregon?) area were
actually Homer sightings, and that may be the case again here. A
majority of Homer's misadventures result in his public humiliation,
and the town would be pleased by his apprehension because it would
dispel the belief that there are more Sasquatch out there. The Highly
Intelligent Beast was captured before, and he'll be captured again.

- Matt Bricker

THE FINAL WORD...

The way I figure it, if Jim Carrey could find his career again
after "The Cable Guy", he can find anything.