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I can’t print the expletives that were man-screamed during the testing of the last Porsche Panamera Turbo roughly six months ago. Well, I could, but we would get angry letters from people complaining about the vile filth on our website, and if they subscribed to our magazine, they would surely cancel it. From the very first asphalt-twisting all-wheel drive launch, we knew the Panamera Turbo was something special. You can imagine our excitement when we found out we were getting a Panamera Turbo S to test — we put on crazy hats and busted out the foam fingers. There was even talk of chest paint.

The standard Panamera Turbo is quite the force to be reckoned with straight out of the box. Its 4.8-liter twin-turbo V-8 pushes out 500 horsepower and 516-lb-ft of torque. For the S, Porsche has found another 50 horsepower, but maybe more important, torque jumps up to 553 lb-ft under normal use and gets up to a thumping 590 lb-ft during overboost. While some may argue that these numbers can simply be made with software changes, Porsche doesn’t take big performance gains lightly.

Under the hood, the long block remains unchanged. The standard twin-turbo V-8 already uses forged pistons, dry-sump oiling, direct-injection, and Vario-cam variable valve timing. For the S, Porsche has upgraded the turbochargers to increase boost. Not only are the turbos larger, but the compressor wheels are titanium alloy, so Porsche says they will spool up nearly 30-percent faster than the smaller cast aluminum pieces in the standard turbos. Under normal driving conditions, maximum boost pressure for the Turbo S is .85 bar, or about 12.3 psi. During overboost, the turbos are supplying just over 13.5 psi. The standard car upgraded with the sport-chrono package only produces 12.1 psi, and that is during overboost.

With all this in mind, we expected some even bigger numbers than the already shocking stats from the Panamera Turbo. As a refresher, that particular car ran 0-60 mph in 3.5 seconds and blasted through the quarter-mile in 11.9 seconds at 114.7 mph. It also screeched and wailed through our figure-eight test in 24.4 seconds. As a comparison, the Porsche walks by its nearest competitor, the 6.2-liter supercharged Cadillac CTS-V Sport Wagon, which does 0-60 mph in 4.2 seconds and needs 12.5 seconds to get through the quarter-mile at 114.4 mph. We expected even bigger numbers from the more-powerful Turbo S.

After a brief tailgating party, pregame analysis, and taking a knee while Coach Reynolds spoke words of inspiration, it was time to test. With a wall of torque and all-wheel drive, the Panamera is as much about punishing asphalt for being under its tires as it accelerating. Porsche’s dual-clutch PDK transmission allows for easy use of launch control that makes 0-60 a fairly foolproof endeavor. Put the car in Drive, press Sport Plus Button, left foot hard on the brake pedal, right foot flooring the throttle, and when the light comes on, release the brake pedal and hold on. The launch is brutal and unfolds in slow motion similar to a nature film of a lioness bringing down a gazelle. The rear end of the car gets torqued down like it’s trying to twist itself into the road as the front starts lifting. You wonder if the next-more-powerful version of this thing will need wheelie bars. The front tires start to spin and dance across the asphalt before the power is reigned back in and sent towards the already struggling rear tires. In a half-second-long eternity, the Panamera lunges forward like a 4388-pound artillery shell. The fury of beautiful violence is met with yelling and fist pumping from the peanut gallery of editors behind the wall.

Our Panamera Turbo S test car rang the register to the tune of $194,665. At this end of the spectrum, nothing else really fits as a competitor.

With an absolutely brutal launch, the Turbo S clawed its way to 0-60 mph in 3.5 seconds. Yes, the same exact time we got with the standard Turbo. It might be that Porsche has found the limits of the tires, or there could possibly have been a torque limiter set for the preservation of some mechanical component in the drivetrain. Either way, we just couldn’t get a faster run than what we saw from the last Turbo.

In the quarter-mile, things change a little bit. The Turbo S starts to pull on the Turbo at just over 60 mph, but the difference still isn’t that noticeable. It isn’t until we get to roughly 110 mph that the Turbo S really wakes up and pulls away. At the end, the S runs 11.8 seconds at 118 mph, a tenth of a second quicker and 3.3 mph faster. We can already see the comments: “What’s the point of a car that is only faster at speeds you can never reach in the United States?” Well, to be realistic, once you get past the 300-horsepower V-6 Panamera, you are going to need Zen Master levels of self-control to stay on this side of the legality line. So if you can’t rationalize the extra $36,500 it’ll cost you for the S, this isn’t the car for you.

The Turbo S also handles remarkably similar to the Turbo. Both cars can lap our figure eight in 24.4 seconds. Which happens to be exactly the same time a 2011 Carrera GTS ran back in September, and only a half-second behind the test time of a 2010 911 Turbo. Storming around the cones, it has a familiar Porsche sports car feel to it, but with some dramatic dynamic differences. Porsche 911s are traditionally slow-in, fast-out cars. Use the big, powerful brakes and the rear-weight bias to your advantage. Then get into the turn well under control. Once you see your exit, use all that weight out back to put the power down and maximize your speed in the next straight. Rinse and repeat. The Turbo S can be driven the exact same way. Use those giant carbon-ceramic brakes to slow the car, then turn in and start changing direction.

Here is where things change from a 911. A split-second after that initial turn-in, you get a choice. The car asks how you want to play it. You can roll into the gas smoothly and get all that torque to the ground, really getting the most out of all four tires and shooting out of turn with the power and precision of a round from a rail gun. The other option is quickly and ruthlessly pinning the throttle, getting all that torque at once to the rear tires, breaking them loose and letting the back end run wider than the front. With fast hands and a deft foot, a four-wheel drift that will make a proud WRC fan weep will get you out of the turn with more style than speed. Porsche’s stability management, PSM, will catch the car if your hands aren’t as fast your cool Puma driving shoes would have people believe.

Our Panamera Turbo S test car rang the register to the tune of $194,665. At this end of the spectrum, nothing else really fits as a competitor. Sure, you could get an Aston Martin Rapide, but it won’t compare in performance. You could buy a CTS-V wagon and spend the leftover $120,000 trying to add the performance, comfort, and luxury. You could spend $36,500 less and buy a standard Panamera Turbo, but what’s 35 grand when we are just a shake off of $200,000? If you really are looking for the fastest five-door-hatchback-pseudo-station-wagon on the planet, just buy the Panamera. If you can afford it, you will never regret buying the S.

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2012 Porsche Panamera News and Reviews

Few cars receive focused animosity like the Porsche Panamera. From the grave “It’s not a Porsche,” to the grade school, “It’s really ugly,” insults come from all angles, aimed squarely at its hunchback. You won’t find me among the critics, because to define this car by its styling is to mock Apollo 11 for having food that isn’t particularly good.…