1. Nick Helm: "I needed a password with eight characters so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
2. Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
3. Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
4. Tim Key: "Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...once you've hired the car..."
5. Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
6. Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
7. Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
8. Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently  what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."
9. Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
10. DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved... Heroin."

The worst joke of the year went to a deserving Paul Daniels. The veteran magician took the wooden spoon for explaining to the audience of his Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow show: "I said to a fella 'is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y...'"

Tim Vine also got a nod in the worst joke round-up for "Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy", while Andrew Bird is doubtless now regretting he ever told the Fringe: "My wife's eating for two. She's not pregnant, just schizophrenic."

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