No matter how many times I have tried to suppress thoughts of you and lock you deep inside my heart. One way or another when I least expect it, you rise again. Tugging at my mind and heart string. Making me think of the memories we created together, making me wonder how your life is going, do I ever cross your mind?

You will always be the one that I connected the deepest with. That one that I wished in an ideal world we would be one.

I clearly remember this one dream I had a few years ago, whereby my ex-boyfriend was looking at me, I was standing by my current boyfriend who was looking at me, but I was looking at you…I believe on some level this depict my deepest, truest desires and feelings.

The feelings and thoughts about you have decreased over the years. But they still appear several times a month. Sometimes these thoughts are quite dark, like if I was on the brink of death would I miss you the most, would you be my last thought and regret? Maybe you was always my fire, the one that light me most but also the one that burnt me the deepest. However the only thing that is real between us now is the distance…..

Mental health illness of depression and suicide are real things. It is scary because they are demons others can’t truly hear or see. But for the people who suffer from it, it’s rather constant because the thoughts are always there. It’s so difficult to be able to shut them out and escape.

Over the years these have gotten worse and more and more people suffer from it. On some levels the awareness is being bought to more people’s attention. Just a few days ago the suicide of : Chester Bennington rocked the world as a whole. Linkin Park’s music had save millions and for Chester it saved him for two decades as well but finally the pain within got too much.

Imagine for him to sing these lyrics that he wrote, must have both been a way of releasing it from inside but also from seeing his eyes during live performances you would notice it was quite painful to associate these words to his past and memories. Music was definitely a hemisphere where he would go to escape and to express so much inside that he had built up.

From the words in many of the songs it clearly depicts his life journey, thoughts, darkness, happiness and emotions. So much power in these words alone. Let alone what was actually going on inside his heart and mind must have been a billion times more.

To have to result to taking that final step of taking his own life after experiencing the outcome of what happened when his friend Chris Cornell took his life and knowing the impact of it all and how hurt and hard it was on his family, friends and fans. Meant he really couldn’t take it anymore. Suicide is never so clear-cut, you cannot blame the person who did it and you definitely feel so sorry for those they leave behind.

The very scary thing is, from experience I think a lot of people who have or are going through deep depression know that deep deep down they have locked a specific demon away as hard as they can. The demon that whispers to them to end it all. This is one of the hardest thing to do because it continues to fight so often to try to come out. When I hear the lyrics from Linkin Park’s Leave out all the rest:

“When my time comes Forget the wrong that I’ve done Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed And don’t resent me And when you’re feeling empty Keep me in your memory Leave out all the rest”

I feel like something inside of Chester knew one day if it happened when that demon manages to come out and he cannot take it anymore these words are to all those he loved and cared about to ask for their forgiveness but also giving them the power to continue on without him. Hence why this song is one of my favourite from them because these words are something that echo more than just simple words but stringing it all together provides an explanation on some level.

I truly hope all those gentle souls who were unable to find peace in this world can in the beyond.

Far too often, moving on is a tough decision and even harder to action when it comes down to it.

I for one, know that change is always present, yet dislike it. Because changes is unsettling and means leaving something or someone behind and I find it difficult to detach from the comfortable habit especially if I have been in it for years. Yet when it comes down to it, I force myself to do it when it is absolutely necessary.

Over the past 2-3 years I have learnt to say more feelings when it is really time to share them, more importantly when having to say more solid and real goodbyes such as when leaving jobs, goodbyes when visiting people when you are on holiday or not being sure when you will realistically get to see someone face to face again. I guess a part of this stems from knowing I never really know when my last moment on this Earth would be so I would say to you – say the stuff you want to otherwise you may miss the chance forever or worse separated by life and death.

Saying goodbye to people is the toughest of “moving on” because you know that even though you will probably see these people again and they will also live on in your memories or you will stay in contact with them via social media yet it will not be the same as being so close by. However the ironic thing is that no day is the same regardless of what happens, so we have to face the change and deal with it no matter how much discomfort it brings or how much we really don’t want to deep down. Because this is how we grow and develop. We have to change just as the world rotates around each day, changing…

I am aware that I have not blogged for several months. I am not sure why this is. I still have lots of feelings and thoughts embedded within me, and still require it to be unloaded. However I may have been trying to not process my thoughts as much as I have use to. Whether that has done me good or not I cannot say for sure.

Anyways I was on the bus recently and I thought of you, my blog. The trigger was from thinking of my past and the super tough time I had gone through many many years ago and how that part of me was still placed somewhere within this blog.

I guess this post is more of a self-reflection post.

Several years ago there was a very long period of time, almost a year when I had fallen extremely deep into a black hole. This was mainly due to someone, but it wasn’t helped with the situations and confusion that I felt during that point in my life. Also because of the way I am and how often I feel more darkness than most so this spiral much further than it should had. Whereby I was left extremely unsure if I could or even wanted to come back up from it. It got to a stage when I had been in it for so long that I started to believe this was the norm and I should just give up on trying.

I must admit I still find myself daily feeling a very strong dark bubble around me, at times like I am struggling to breathe. I don’t believe I have actually tried to put it in words before as such. Well lets just say I get a lot of negative thoughts and that most days I struggle to pull myself out of bed. The thought of it makes me rather sad. However the bad thing is, I know that my life isn’t terrible and nothing is specifically wrong so I should be alright, yet I am not and that baffles me, but I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness within me that I cannot quite explain to myself or others. But over time I have learnt to manage it as well as I could. However every month or so I do burn out and break down. I somehow release the emotions and the cycle begins again.

It isn’t anywhere as bad as it use to be but now I know I can never get rid of it. It is a part of my life.

I believe I have now found a name for it and realised it exists elsewhere aside from within my mind and body. It is High function depression.

Reading this article on huffington post gave me clarity and made me feek less alone and abnormal. From gaining a better understanding of it I have been able to feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.

There are some really dark stuff within me.
Thoughts, feelings, emotions about my life, life in general, future, the world.
They ain’t thoughts that are dark towards other people. But more really realistic perspective of the world.
It is said that depressed people have the most realistic view of the world. Maybe that is sort of what I have.
I live with these emotions daily. They peak, fall, balance and disappear unexpectedly. At best they linger behind me constantly and come out occassionally.I have done well to coexist with it all to the extent that people around me no nothing of the extent of these darkness within me, that I try so hard to bury.

From the moment when I finally realised what had happened, how overtime my feelings, your feelings, our feelings had developed and interconnected, I foresaw the not so complete ending.My gut feeling, my inkling was strong and accurate however this didn’t soften the blow in the end. I knew it was coming but it was never easy or possible to dissolve the feelings that were engraved into me.

After all that had happened, after the years that had past. The unbearable pains that torn through every corner of my insides, the sleepless nights, the buckets of tears and the restless days. Here I am today.

So much untold and unfinish and today won’t be the day they are unwrapped but I have an understanding of what I have been through, how you were and still are good in my eyes. I have yet to fully escape but I think I never will. After everything I still can’t leave all the feelings behind. You are still part of my thoughts, less than before, but still presence some days and nights. Most of the time it brings me comfort now rather than pain. I guess time does heal aspects no matter what.

I could never really define how and why it all started but I knew why and how it had to be an unfinished ending.

Praying is a very special action. However you will find people all do it differently. Some find they have to pray together, some loudly, some quietly, some alone, some when they need it most, it ranges so much.

I personally like to pray when I am alone, when it is quiet so that I can talk to God. I like it to be privately. The strange thing is that so often I know I pray for people who don’t even give me a second thought at night. Yet I still pray for them. Sometimes I ask myself why do I still bother then? I guess in my heart praying for them to be safe and healthy and it coming true brings me comfort, to know that they are ok is more than enough.