Hijinks Dad

It’s been a while since I’ve waded into the fetid waters of the music industry but I doubt it’s changed much. You’ll meet some truly lovely people there of course, you just have to look past the floating corpses. Then there are times you climb aboard a chartered craft and the jaunty captain promises seasons in the sun, only to discover after its way too late to disembark that this guy has absolutely no idea where he’s going. And if it’s a waterfall you’re headed for, you order the shrimp cocktail and drink the bar, because no one is ever gonna recoup anyway. (Wasn’t there a little voice in your head that told you this was bad idea? Why didn’t you listen to it?) But still I think it would be helpful if these guys came with a warning label, sort of like those daytime television pharmaceutical ads that promise to prevent this or enhance that, but are also likely to kill you in seven other ways. It might look like this…

Avoid contact with this music industry professional if you suffer from any of the following conditions

– hypertension

– an aversion to being humiliated in front of your friends

– clear uncompromising vision

OR

– an intolerance for phrases like, “where the rubber meets the road”, and “stop me if any of this starts making sense”

Get away from this music industry professional if you notice any of the following things

– a picture of himself and Don Henley doing blow, prominently displayed in his office

– you having recurring nightmares in which his face is interchangeable with Freddy Kruger’s

– he tans

Run screaming in the other direction away from this music industry professional if …

– he starts hitting on girls at your shows

– he enthusiastically gets the names of your songs wrong

OR

– he happens to mention that his big marketing plan for your band is to focus the campaign on targeting beach volleyball fans

(this actually happened)

Anyway-I’ve often thought of writing a book about my band Cotton Mather but the problem is people would want to file it under fiction because surely it couldn’t have all been true. It’s all true!

I swear.

Hexagram 56 of the I Ching, “The Wanderer” advises us to maintain inner vigilance and not succumb to aspects of the outer world, which would cause us to betray our path and or sense of correctness. Also called “The Traveler”, 56 consuls on how to navigate being a “stranger in a strange land”. Strange lands indeed. “Most peculiar Momma”!

Cue crunchy guitar intro now….

“Hijinx Dad” recorded at Star Apple Kingdom and Sounds Outrageous by Robert and Lars. Performed by RH, George Reiff, Whit Williams with special guests Billy Harvey and Conrad Choucroun