Cointitative Easing: The Solution to our Nation's Penny Problems

I'm not a penny-pincher, but if I see one lying on the sidewalk, I'll bend over, pick it up, and put it in my pocket.

Each time I do that, I'm reminded of the man who claimed a penny's value was not necessarily in its monetary worth. Its true value was derived from the fact that it had the words "In God We Trust" imprinted on it, thereby making it worthy of collection.

I'm also reminded of the debate over whether the U.S. Mint should continue making pennies. The cost to create a penny is more than the one cent value, so many people advocate the elimination of the penny altogether. Some propose the elimination of the nickel as well.

I have a better solution. I like to think of it as "cointitative easing."

Rather than eliminate the penny, why not simply declare a higher value?

Let's make a penny worth ten cents. Since there's an estimated $1.4 billion worth of pennies currently in circulation, that would instantly increase the money in circulation to $14 billion. Suddenly, there's $12.6 billion in circulation that wasn't there before.

Of course, we couldn't leave the nickle with a value of five cents. There's almost $450 million worth of nickels out there. Make each nickel worth 25 cents, and bam, there's another $1.8 billion.

Why stop there? Let's make the dime worth fifty cents. Changes the current $2 billion value to almost $10 billion!

The quarter, everybody's favorite coin, can now be worth one dollar. Changing the quarter alone will add almost $9 billion to the economy. But here's the kicker: We won't have to worry about confusing the quarter with the Susan B. Anthony dollar anymore. They both look the same and feel the same; now they'll have the same value. People will start using the SBA dollar again, adding another $900 million to the bank!

The half-dollar can now have a declared value of $2. Think about it..the Kennedy Half will go hand-in-hand with the $2 bill. No one use that either. (Adds a paltry $500 million.)

The total sum added to the economy will be $32 billion, and the Treasury Department won't have to print a single bill!

Now that the penny is worth more than the cost to make, we can continue making pennies and nickels. Problem solved!

Here's the best part: The money is already fairly distributed. Those of us who believe a penny saved is a penny earned will see the largest gain (x10). Those with nickels and dimes in their piggy banks will see their vast wealth multiplied by five. Those with quarters and those of you who honorably collected the Kennedy halves will see their net worth double. Finally, those greedy capitalist pigs who horded all the Susan B. Anthony coins won't get another penny.

Most of us have coins saved up somewhere. By increasing the values of the coins through cointitative easing, the poor get richer, and the rich get...well, the rich will still get even richer. But, hey, that's the American way, isn't it?!

"If you can't say something nice, let's hear it!"  Joan Rivers

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