Today, for the first time ever, John took Emmett to Purdue for his quarterly staging appointment without me.

He only ever took Lucas once without me, so this is only the second time ever that I’ve missed a Purdue appointment. For a million reasons big and small, it just didn’t make sense for us both to go today, and it made better sense that John take the day off than I.

And yet…

But, with my theme of the year–letting go–resounding in my head, I did it. I let go.

There’s something about being there that makes me feel like I have a little more control over a situation with which I have zero control. Does that make any sense?

These appointments are unpredictable, too. The pattern is the same: a vet student does his intake paperwork and then walks away with my baby, then sometime later that day they call my cell to say he’s done. But the timing is completely erratic. During that time, he goes through a slew of tests like ultrasounds and X-rays and blood work. He and his results are looked at by students, residents, and the attending. Depending on the other patients on each particular day, he’s been finished as early as 2 and as late as 7.

{{Aside: The cafe at the vet school is terrible. Truly awful. The food is gross and expensive, and the WiFi doesn’t work. There are a a dozen squished-together tables but no outlets for laptops. If I ever become a super rich millionaire, I promise to endow the vet school with a cafe deserving of those hard-working students and staff. I’ll name it after Emmett.}}

It is a long, stressful day of waiting, compounded by the fact that I’m forced to drive to a coffee shop since I can’t get any work done in the cafe. Well, not I today. John.

So, even though I’m waiting at home, with reliable internet and coffee that doesn’t cost $5 and Cooper, Newt, and Otto to keep me company… the stress isn’t diminished. It’s compounded by feeling so very far away.

Just before the holidays, Emmett’s platelets tanked. He was on exercise restriction, and they told us the signs to watch for hemorrhaging. We repeated the blood test and kept getting low results. Last week, he made a full and complete recovery in both his platelets and his white blood count. This dog is determined to keep me on my toes. But it makes me wonder what today will bring.

I’m grateful beyond measure that he’s still with us. No one, not us and definitely not his vet team, expected this. That thought is what I’m keeping in mind today when he’s so far away from me and it’s all so out of my hands, out of my control.

John texted me this pic from the waiting room:

I thought he looked unhappy. John said he’s just exhausted.

Which is probably true…

But, here I wait. It’s all I can do. It’s all any of us can do, I suppose, since we truly have such little control over nearly everything.

I fully intended this post to be an update about Em’s blood work, but I guess the stress made me take a philosophical turn. Sorry about that. 🙂 Anyway, hope your day is going well! I’ll share when I know more.

In the meantime, you can catch up on Emmett’s latest escapades here and here.

About two weeks ago, it became clear that Emmett was having that problem again.

You know.

The problem with his… erm… peep.

That same day, his oncologist called to say that she needed some updated blood work to authorize his chemo refill, so we trundled off to the vet to have the CBC done, along with the swab for his chronic man problem.

Typically, his blood tests go like this: Front desk gal gushes all over him, he hops on the scale but wags too much to get a solid read on his weight, the tech takes him back to draw blood, the vet gives the thumbs up, we’re out the door. Fifteen minutes. Twenty if there’s extra gushing.

So, when the vet sat down and started a physical exam, we knew something was wrong.

His platelets tanked. They weren’t in the terrifying zone where they can bleed out from spontaneous hemorrhaging, but he was just north of that number. By this time, because we had an evening appointment, Purdue’s oncology department was closed for the night. So, our local vet sent us home with instructions to keep him on restriction: no exercise, no being around unknown dogs, etc. A bleed would be very bad. She’ll call in the AM…

His incredible oncologist called first thing the next day and went over the details. His platelet count had to recover–though sometimes it never does in long-term chemo patients. So, we stopped his chemo that day and planned a CDC recheck in one week.

A week later, his numbers were a smidge higher but not high enough to be safe.

So, he’s off chemo. The risks of the bleeding far outweigh the risks of tumor growth at this point.

Now we wait.

They’ll recheck his platelet count in early January, then he goes up to Purdue for a full workup mid-January.

In the meantime, she said it’s cool for him to take a short meander around the block since he loves it so much, but no running (ha!! Emmett running?!?!) and no rough play. The bleeding risk is too great. It’s not like he and Cooper play all that rough, but they do sometimes plod around and bash into each other, so we’re having to keep an eye on Coop, too.

All stressful stuff.

Luckily, the penis infection is clearing up. 😀

Poor Emmett…

Aging is not easy.

But, he’s doing it with grace. I mean, he had his manpart swabbed–for the millionth time–and blood drawn every six weeks for the last two years, and he STILL loves the vet tech. He adores the vet’s office, even the oncology ward at Purdue!

He is nothing but happy. Full of joy and life and love.

His new challenge is winter. We got our first round of snow and ice, and it sent us for a bit of a tailspin. The ToeGrips that have served him so well for so long were no match to the slick and snowy deck and yard.

He kept falling, which is incredibly dangerous on top of the platelet issue. What if he bashed his chin or got a cut or bruise?

So, now he has boots! They’re aahhhhhmazing. He’s been almost entirely slide-free since we got them.

“This is so humiliating…”

And, yeah, that’s Cooper wearing a double-layer fleece because this morning was -4 degrees, and he flat-out refuses to go outside unless he’s bundled up. John’s been joking that he should find a way to knit some kind of full-body/snuggy-type thing for the little bean.

Anyway, between the struggles with the arthritis in his spine, loss of muscle mass, penis infections, platelet counts, and so on… this aging business is no joke.

But, man, he’s happy. He’s so full of joy and excitement, no matter what, no matter how many times he gets his peep swabbed. And that’s all you can ask for, right?

I say {technically} because, well, technically there were a whole bunch more before I had a backup system in place. And, as usually happens when there’s no backup system in place, I lost a whole bunch of posts–some in draft form, some published–during a bizarre WordPress glitch a couple years ago.

But, for today’s purposes, it’s the 1,000th post!

Woot!

Today is also three months since we lost Lukey. Three months. It feels like forever and an instant. I miss him. Oh, man, do I miss him. Sure, the sadness is less acute, less crushing, with each passing day, but it’s still there, a constant, dull ache reminding me how different our lives are without him.

Today also, if all goes according to plan, will mark for me three cancer-free years. I’ve been running to and from checkups and appointments and CT scans all week, and today’s the last one, the big one with the oncologist who looks at all that data and declares if there’s evidence or no evidence of disease. Again, forever and an instant.

Time is funny like that.

Other milestones:

While I was out of town, Newt decided to snuggle Emmett. Neither of them are snugglers. It was a rare, brief moment but a major milestone.

Speaking of Emmett, I’ve mentioned in passing a couple times that his hearing is going. In a weird way, something I need to dig into deeper, it’s profoundly altering his relationship with Cooper. I know I’m prone to exaggeration, but this is truly profound. Until recently… maybe when we lost Lukey? maybe we didn’t notice Emmett’s hearing loss because we were so focused on Lucas?… Emmett always treated Cooper like an obnoxious baby brother. If he needed to be knocked down a peg or two, Emmett would knock him down. Now, with Emmett’s hearing swiftly declining, he’s looking to Cooper for guidance. Noticeably. I call them to come in from the yard; Cooper dashes at top speed toward the door; Emmett watches Cooper, then follows suit. I ask them to go to their mats for dinner; Emmett doesn’t move; he watches Cooper go to his mat; Emmett gets up and goes to his mat. He even doesn’t seem to hear the garage door anymore, so if one of us gets home, Cooper hears the door and rushes to the back with Emmett dashing over a few seconds later.

It’s been a dramatic shift, a major milestone in their relationship.

You guys know me: I overthink nearly everything. There’s something about milestones that kicks my overthinking into overdrive. These ones, each in its own way, opened up entirely new channels to overthink.

After 1,000 posts, am I on course? Do I need to make any changes? What, at this stage in grieving our loss, do I need to do to keep moving forward? I’ve been collecting bits for a scrapbook; am I closer to being able to actually make the dang thing? How are their changing relationships affecting how we manage them and their behavior?

So many milestones, all at once.

Any milestones for you lately? Do you tend to overthink big moments like this? Or are you more dog-like than I and busy living in the moment?

He has come so far since those early, fearful, aggressive days when the front desk staff would have to clear the lobby just for Lucas to even walk through the door. No, yesterday, he nailed it. Dogs on flexis, big dogs, little dogs, owners on their cell phones… we parked in the corner and doled out cheese and treats for nearly effortless “watch mes” from the big boy. Be still my proud, proud heart.

We didn’t get good news.

She moved the timeline from months to weeks. We sat on the floor with Lucas and his vet, and we cried. Then we brought him home and gave him a big, nasty, drippy, stinky bone. Which he loved, of course. We’re getting all his favorite things, like shredded cheese sprinkled on his meals from here on out. We bought yogurt and berries to make him ice cream. We’ll do as many micro-hikes as he wants and get him drive-thru afterwards. He’s chomping on a trachea right now.

I woke up just before 5 this morning to him twitching and crying in his sleep. It broke my heart, not because that’s never happened before–they all do it–but because I just want every second he has left to be good. No bad dreams. No bad food or sore muscles. No baths. Nothing but good.

The semester starts up on Monday, and I’m teaching two writing classes. I usually take a short blogging break during the first week because it’s so crazy getting everyone up and running. With this on top of it, well, I doubt I’ll be here much, though I’ll aim to post on Facebook and Instagram as I can.

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers and messages and support. This is absolutely the hardest part of love.

As we get ready to depart – this weekend! eeee!!! – I wanted to share the final details of Emmett’s road trip (item #10 on his Bucket List). The map and dates are all below. If you’re near the locations of the events, shoot me an email so I can send you the details to meet!

Emmett’s Tour Dates:

Sunday, June 8: Hit the road! Stop about halfway to Maryland.

Monday, June 9: Arrive in Maryland to visit with family.

Tuesday, June 10: Drive from Maryland to Philadelphia! Woot!

Wednesday, June 11: Meetings and events in Philly, including one Super Secret Big Thing. If you’re in the area, email me so we can meet!

Thursday, June 12: Hang in Philly in the morning, then drive toward NYC. Pit stop in NJ to visit our Pet Age friends, then continue on to New York!

Friday, June 13: Hang in New York! Central Park play date! Email me if you’re nearby, and I’ll share the meeting details!

Saturday, June 14: Drive from NYC to DC. Pick up John on the way. Emmett is hosting a big party in DC that night! Email for deets!

Sunday, June 15: Drive from DC to Knoxville, TN.

Monday, June 16: Meeting in Knoxville with one of our favorite brands in the AM (there will be pictures!) followed by the return drive to Louisiana!

Take THAT, canine cancer!

This is gonna be crazy! But so fun. I can’t wait. I know Emmett is going to have a blast. We are going to take tons of pictures and video along the way. Follow along on Twitter and Instagram with the hashtag #EmsRoadTrip, and on Facebook!

I suppose I better start packing! 🙂 I think Emmett is going to have more luggage than I am…