5 Fashion trends from the '80s that can stay in the '80s

Kat Hobza resides in sunny Western Montana. She is the Senior Authoress Specializing in Sarcasm at www.funnyfreelance.com. Okay, she’s the only authoress at funny freelance. When she’s not formulating tongue-in-cheek ideas and content as...

Why Rock of Ages makes some of us cringe

Don’t be fooled by how Tom Cruise “rocks” his leather pants or how Catherine Zeta-Jones carries off shoulder pads. Those of us who experienced the '80s hated those looks then, and we hate them even more now.

Here is a word of caution for a generation that may not know any better. Please do society a favor and avoid these fashion trends at all costs.

Parachute pants

Boys in the '80s wore pants made out of parachute material. That’s not the worst of it. Those who strutted around in this swishy fabric were considered cool. Lord help us all. Why, you ask, did men do this? We have absolutely no idea. It defies all logic. All we can do is hold our breath and pray to the fashion gods that this trend does not resurface.

Mall bangs

You know what we’re talking about. The ridiculous ratting of bangs followed by the liberal application of Aqua Net. A generation of young women walked around looking like disturbed roosters. The one rule with mall bangs was the taller the better. It was a bit like building a Jenga structure on your head every morning. Mall bang maintenance was intense, as you can well imagine, especially in humid regions. Mall bangs are a visual and laborious aggravation we don’t need.

Shoulder pads

Wouldn’t it be fun to sit down with a fashion designer from the '80s and ask them why turning women into linebackers seemed like a good idea? Just think of those poor women who happened to be tall, have wide shoulders and maybe a bit of an Adam’s apple. Fashion mandated that they accentuate their manly features with shoulder pads! The poor dears. Accentuating breasts and back-sides makes sense but since when are shoulders something that should be augmented? Sheesh.

Geometric-shaped earrings in obnoxious colors (and all the other God-awful '80s jewelry)

The '80s were all about matchy-match goodness. If you wore a red dress, you had better have big black beads strung from your neck, triangles big enough to rival the Egyptian pyramids (also in black) dangling from your ears, black lace gloves and black leg warmers. Which brings us to our next '80s fashion grievance…

Leg warmers

Unless you are a ballet dancer or you live in the remote regions of Alaska (in which case no one can see you) leg warmers are never a sound decision. The re-emergence of leggings has some of us panicked that the general acceptance of leg warmers is next. Have we learned nothing from our fashion predecessors? If you have any questions about what you should not wear from the '80s, just watch Sixteen Candles and Flashdance. That should set you straight.