The Oracle Speaks

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Universal Studios have purchased the rights to produce a full length motion picture around the topic of the recent volcanic ash crisis, it was announced yesterday.

The movie, called Ash on a Plane, will begin filming at the end of the year, and will be the sequel to the 2006 cult release Snakes on a Plane.

“I see this as less of a sequel, and more of a continuation of an exciting journey,” said Director Steven Spielberg, who enthusiastically attached himself to the project after reading the script.

"Ash? On a plane?"

“I’m just really pleased that Samuel L. Jackson has agreed to reprise his character from the first film. He really is the perfect choice to bring home the menace of all that dangerous, drifting, and relatively harmless ash to everyone who sees the film.”

“In the first movie, we had snakes, and they were on a plane,” explained Jackson. “This time, it’s ash from some volcano in Iceland or somewhere.

“Of course, in the film, nobody actually gets to see the ash, or go anywhere near it…in fact nobody actually gets to go on a plane either.

“It’s more of a tale of very frustrated people arriving at airports, forming huge lines at Starbucks and complaining that they should have got the ferry instead.

“My own character has to travel via two boats, a coach, two trans-continental trains and a donkey before deciding that he would have been better off hi-jacking the motherf*****g plane in the first place.”

Co-stars pencilled in to star alongside Jackson in Ash on a Plane include Harvey Keitel as an overworked Starbucks cashier, Kevin Spacey as a grounded flight attendant with a pressing engagement, and Danny Glover as a good cop one day short of his retirement.

“Who knows how it’ll go?” concluded Spielberg. “We’ve developed a scriptand will begin filming in November, ahead of a release in January 2012.

“If it’s well received, then we can start thinking about a third film, which we’ve had in the pipeline for some time which tackles proposed strike action by British Airways cabin crews.

England's captain comiserates with the rest of the players after victory over Australia

England captain Paul Collingwood has apologised to the British public for victory in yesterday’s World Twenty20 final against Australia.

Collingwood himself hit the winning runs with three overs to spare in the Caribbean to give England their first ever world cricket title, but said:

“I’d just like to apologise to all the supporters who came all this way, and to everyone watching at home. We really did everything we could to throw this game away, like we normally do, but in the end we were just too good for Australia.

“The point is that is wasn’t just our batsmen who were inexplicably good, but our bowlers too – and not just today, but throughout the entire tournament. And for that, I apologise.”

Craig Kievswetter and Kevin Pietersen were the most disappointed in the England dressing room after the final, having staged a second-wicket partnership of 111 to steer England to victory.

“I’m not sure how it happened,” said Pietersen. “We were both out there, slashing wildly at everything, not really talking to each other and taking outrageous risks as usual, but for some reason, it was just really, really difficult to get out today.”

To confound his misery, Pietersen was named man of the tournament after scoring 248 runs in total.

“Look, I’m as embarassed as anyone about this, alright?” was all he would say after sheepishly receiving the award.

England cricket expert Geoffrey Boycott said he thought the England team should be ashamed of their performance:

“There are hundreds of thousands of England cricket fans in this country who have been brought up with an expectation of disappointment when it comes to these tournaments,” he said.

“How do they expect them to feel now that they’ve actually gone and won something? I’m not sure, but uncertain, confused and a little bit angry should just about cover it.”

“I suppose that we’ve now just got to try and pick ourselves up after this unexpected and disapponting tournament success,” Collingwood concluded.

“All we can do is try our hardest to lose the majority of games remaining this year, which should put us in an excellent position to get thrashed in the Ashes this winter.”

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The Oracle Speaks is yet another overly-sarcastic, satirical news blog. The views represented on this site are, let's face it, not to be taken very seriously.

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