Sunday, April 13, 2008

Your One Smile

This world is no match for your Love.Being away from you is death aiming to take my soul away.My heart, so precious, I won't trade for a hundred thousand souls.Your one smile takes it for free. --Rumi

So often when I write on this blog, I express my courage and strength because writing it helps convince me that it is real, helps give it power over the despair. Yet, it doesn't paint a complete picture. I am not always brave or strong. Often I feel I am wandering, lost, empty. For nine months, Sage was the beason that guided my life. I woke to meet his needs, to fill him with my love. Even in sleep, I never lost awareness of his warm body next to me. Thank God we co-slept . . . those irreplaceable moments of snuggling and breathing together. And what now? I send out my radar and it just keeps going, nothing to bounce it back to me.

Forgive me, friends. I know the strength will return in time. I don't have the energy to share anything other than my genuine experience, which at this moment is filled with the pain of loss. I think of his little pea pod ear lobes, his expressive eyebrows, his quick smile. I think of the morning after we brought him home - he had goop in his eyes and Michael had to clean them with a cotton ball - and I cried because I couldn't bear the thought that he might be in pain. I think of the way I learned to do everything WITH him, and I dread having to learn to do everything WITHOUT him.

2 comments:

george
said...

Little Sister,

I am touched and glad to hear your thoughts today. So hard to move from comfort into the unknown, but as always you need to hold onto the truth that you are NOT alone! We all love you sooo much. For so long you have been our inspiration and strength and now it is your turn, come to us, cry with us, grow with us. We are so much more together than we are apart. YOU ARE LOVED!!!

Now for some mundane buisness: let me know how to call you. What is happening with your rehab? Have you and Michael made your emergency lists yet? If not, then get busy with that.

Even one month into my motherhood experience the thought of losing Hunter haunts me at the oddest moments... when I finally get a moment to myself I dream he is gone and my husband is gone and I am filled with emptiness and indirection... I wake and have to search the house for them both... even when I find them I can't leave them to get those last few precious moments of sleep for myself... that feeling of loss is just too real and I'd sacrifice anything (even sleep) to avoid it. I love you. I am listening.

Grandpa and Sage

It Felt Love

How did the roseEver open its heartAnd give to this worldAll its beauty?

It felt theEncouragement of lightAgainst its being.

Otherwise,We all remainToo frightened.

-Hafiz

About The Encouragement of Light

I started this blog in March 2008, days after an auto accident that killed my 9 month old son (Sage) and my dad (Dennie) and left me with serious injuries, including a broken pelvis. I write to share my exploration of life after losing my child and to process this experience. My husband, Michael, and I find ourselves in the foreign land of grief, sometimes utterly lost, and sometimes awed by unexpected beauty.