I can't cope with my life anymore, I want it all to go away :(

I am really struggling today, I don't know what to do other than collapse!
I am struggling with everything. I can't cope with my son anymore, I literally have no control over him anymore. I gave up on him completely today, he threw something at me in my room and I just closed the door on him and burst into tears. Luckily my OH came in, and my best friend rang me and managed to calm me down, but I just left DS to my OH and gave up on him. I am dreading the rest of the holidays, I don't know how to cope with him anymore.
I just can't believe how I'm letting everything get on top of me, I'm so used to just sucking it up and getting on with it, but now I have nothing to do during the day, and I don't really have much contact with people, it's just all fallen apart. I'm so good at putting on a brave face in front of everyone, but when I'm on my own I just fall apart
I feel like the whole of my insides are slowly collapsing inside of me and I can't do anything to stop it. When my friend rang he said the words "you're not going to do anything stupid are you?", and I just thought no, but mostly because I'm too much of a wimp. I often feel like my DS and OH wouldn't be any worse off without me, I give them nothing. DS is a daddy's boy, he'll always go with daddy over me, he listens to his daddy, his daddy can disipline him, I can't, and I don't get have the cuddles and fun that daddy gets either.
I've been suffering insomnia since Sunday night, and I've had about 3 or 4 hours sleep each night since then, so I'm both physically and emotionally exhausted and I just can't cope anymore.

Hugs
I know how you feel. My little man is a complete daddys boys too, and i sometimes feel very rejected, but the reason they ask for daddy is that they are uncertain and need reassurance that daddy is there. Your little boy knows you love him and he trusts that, so he doesnt need the constant reassurance from you. besides, i bet when he is ill he asks for you!

I agree with kaleigh that you should talk to your HV or GP about how you are feeling. There are so many options, and it may just be that you need something to lift your mood. Remember that depression is caused by a chemical inbalance in your brain. It is an illness like every other, and it does NOT make you a bad mum.

Where abouts are you hun? try posting on your local meet a mum board, and make some adult coffee dates. I cants stand being in the house with any adult company, and your little man might be a bit stir crazy too. My little man is 3 in september and he loses his temper and throws stuff too, more so when he has been stuck inside and is bored. It important to remember that they just dont know how to vent their emotions.

I hope you can find the confidence to talk to someone, and hope that my reply has helped a bit. You are not alone, and you are not a bad mum. You little man loves you lots.

Thank you for your replies.
I have an appointment booked at the doctors next week, but it seems a long way away, and my need for it is getting more.
I know deep down that my son loves me, but I often don't feel it. When he's ill it's daddy he needs, when I picked him up from nursery it was always "where's my daddy?", when we come home from places he asks "is my daddy in?", he's always saying "I'm going to tell my daddy" and if he makes everything it's always "it's for my daddy" or "daddy will like this". He was in hospital a couple of months ago and almost had to stay overnight, it was daddy that had to stay with him, when he went in for the operation it was daddy that went in when he was anaesthetised. It just kills me sometimes that he doesn't need me, all he needs is his daddy. I was never ready to be a mum, I was only 18 when I had him, but as soon as I met my OH he told me he wanted to be a daddy, no job aspirations, just to be a daddy. I was always, I'm not sure if I can be a mum, I'll see when the time is right, but it just kind of happened, and I still feel that guilt, that I wasn't made to be a mum and I'm still not ready for it, even though my DS is now 4 years old. I used to be able to cope with it, but then when life started throwing other **** at me all this came back too.

I have adult friends. Not mum friends really, but I don't feel I need mum friends. The adult friends I have I have mostly met since having DS, so we have come as part of a package, and they fully accept that and my closest friends (who I spend the most time with) are a part of his life too and he enjoys spending time with them as much as I do. I feel lonely, even though I'm not really as I have friends who care about me, but I'm finding it hard to spend time with them, the worse I get the less time I want to spend with them, not because I don't want to be with them, but because I don't want them to see how I really am, and it's too hard to keep this facade up for a long period of time.

sorry to here that things are not going well for you, i know how you feel because i have been feeling quite low myself, got an 8 year old and a 9 month old and after quite a long time my oh been out of work has taken work which he is away from home monday to friday. and i was feeling really miserable the other day just wanted to walk out and while my older son was having a bath he was saying that he wished daddy was here and had not taken the job i asked he why and i think i realised then that my moods where affecting him even though i was trying to be happy which i was not i felt quite bad so now i am trying to be more positive, i think our children can sense if mummy is depressed or if something is wrong and they dont really understand.so today decided i should do something with them and my 8 year wanted to go swimming which we did do had a good day.

Maybe you should take your son out somewhere just the 2 of you or play something at home so you can get a bit of fun time together, forget everything else.

most kids what there dads more every time we go out my son and dh are always going off together while i get left behind even before he was working away, i think mums are sometimes stricter and there dads just let them do what ever, and mums generally get the boring bits, so they see the dads as more fun try not to take it personally my son never given me a hug only recently but sometimes he will sit with me watching tv or if i take him to school will hold my hand i think they take us mothers for granted,how long has your other half been in your lives?

I think its good your are seeing your doctor in the mean while just try and have a bit of fun time with your son. lack of sleep is also a promblem and can make you feel a lot worse and everything around you feel a lot worse.

Also sometimes having mummy friends can be good it gives you a chance to talk to other mums an compare promblems and see how other kids are and also gives your kid a chance to play with other kids and also they can get play dates which can give you some free time.

I can feel your pain love,sending you hugs.

Originally Posted by Anon (6596)

I am really struggling today, I don't know what to do other than collapse!
I am struggling with everything. I can't cope with my son anymore, I literally have no control over him anymore. I gave up on him completely today, he threw something at me in my room and I just closed the door on him and burst into tears. Luckily my OH came in, and my best friend rang me and managed to calm me down, but I just left DS to my OH and gave up on him. I am dreading the rest of the holidays, I don't know how to cope with him anymore.
I just can't believe how I'm letting everything get on top of me, I'm so used to just sucking it up and getting on with it, but now I have nothing to do during the day, and I don't really have much contact with people, it's just all fallen apart. I'm so good at putting on a brave face in front of everyone, but when I'm on my own I just fall apart
I feel like the whole of my insides are slowly collapsing inside of me and I can't do anything to stop it. When my friend rang he said the words "you're not going to do anything stupid are you?", and I just thought no, but mostly because I'm too much of a wimp. I often feel like my DS and OH wouldn't be any worse off without me, I give them nothing. DS is a daddy's boy, he'll always go with daddy over me, he listens to his daddy, his daddy can disipline him, I can't, and I don't get have the cuddles and fun that daddy gets either.
I've been suffering insomnia since Sunday night, and I've had about 3 or 4 hours sleep each night since then, so I'm both physically and emotionally exhausted and I just can't cope anymore.

Ring your GP and tell them you need to see a doctor now.
It sounds to me as if you are suffering from depression ,and the doctor can help you to feel better but it takes a while for medication to kick in .
Your little boy sounds like my grandson ,Daddy for everything (my daughter does everything for him ,she is the one who loses sleep if he is not well,but its Dad,Dad,Dad in her house)Same sex relationships (father and son ,mother and daughter ) are the most
important in a childs life.
A child knows that Mum loves them and they love her ,so you are a big part of his life.
You are feeling so low now that you cannot see any bright spot,but when you see your GP and start treatment you will slowly start to feel better and get back on top.
Do not forget to tell the doctor that you are not sleeping well.
You will be feeling better soon ,try and hold on to that.
Will be thinking and praying for you all.

You have already had such wonderful replies and support from our community I feel there is nothing more to add to their advice.
Please do call the GPs and ask if there is any chance of your appointment being brought forward.

You say that you don't know how to cope with your son any more, can I ask what makes you feel this way? Does your son have challenging behaviour?
Is there anything we can do here at netmums to ease this for you? Would it help to talk to one of our Health Visitors?

same as i feel

Hi.

I know exactly where you are at at the moment. I am mum of DS 12, DD 9, DS 5.
Married, full time job and i have hit a wall full on and fallen to pieces. It has been brewing for months. Not sleeping, overeating, angry, upset.......the list is endless.
Eventually yesterday i went to my GP and it all came flooding out, immediatly it felt as if i could breathe. I had to fill a form to answer questions, so they could "rate" my depression. I have been signed off work for a week and am going back to GP next thurs to let her know my decision about counselling and tablets and to extend my leave. PLEASE, PLEASE get an earlier appointment because it really does help, and the sooner you get the help you need the better.
Let me know how you get on and maybe we can get back on track together.

I can't get an earlier appointment, there is a particular doctor I want to see because she is the only one I would feel comfortable talking to her about this. I saw her a lot after I'd had DS so she is the one I want to talk to, but she is on holiday and I got the earliest I could when she was back. My appointment is at 9:30 on wednesday so not too much longer to wait now.
I managed to get 9 hours sleep last night as my DS was at my mums so I didn't have to get up this morning. I think the most I have had for the rest of the week was 4 hours so I think getting a better night's sleep has made a difference.
I still have those feelings of "I can't do this anymore" but I am managing to get on with things now. I think it helps that I haven't been alone with DS much the past couple of days and have been keeping busy so I have been able to get on with it. I am still counting down the days until DS starts school and I start work, but I feel terrible that I am counting down these days as after that that's it, DS at full time school so we don't have time to do what we want when we want and I'm just willing it away.
I don't know if his behaviour is particularly challenging or if it's just typical 4 year old behaviour and I just can't handle it. The problem is that he is a very bright child, so he needs constantly stimulating, which I'm finding very hard to do. I have no motivation to get out of bed so finding the motivation to play with him is even harder. If I leave him to his own devices though he causes chaos and wreaks his bedroom. He finds it very difficult to choose one toy to play with, so he constantly has loads of things on the go at once which I can't handle, and then it causes arguments when it's time to tidy up because it's too much for him to do because there's so much of it. He knows he should put something away before he gets something out, he can tell us that til he's blue in the face, but he doesn't actually do it. I find myself getting increasingly frustrated with him, but it just makes me feel bad about myself because he is just a 4 year old and I'm just not made to be a mum if I can't handle this, when everyone else can handle him. He doesn't respond to any sort of discipline so I'm at the end of my tether with him I just don't know how to control him anymore. I dread having to spend time with him on my own because I feel like he winds me up and does it on purpose, which of course is ridiculous but thats how it feels!

Thank you again for your replies. I am just keeping going until wednesday now when I can get to the doctors, although I'm quite worried about it and I don't know what I'm going to say or how I'm going to do it, but I know that this is what I have to do.

My trip to the doctors was ok. I didn't say much but had to fill in the questionaire for her to decide how bad it was. She put me on Citalopram and I'm going back in 2 weeks. She also gave me a leaflet about counselling but not much information and the websites on the leaflet don't seem all that helpful and I'm not good with phone calls so I don't really want to ring up because I don't really know what to ask. She said if I think of any questions to write them down for next time I go but there are too many questions floating around my head, most of which I doubt there are any answers for!

I have been quite busy over the past few days so I've been coping quite well, but tomorrow it is back to just me and my son and I'm dreading how I'm going to cope already. The pills have given me pretty much constant headaches for the last few days which doesn't help, I'm hoping that my son will be good this week but I think I'm going to struggle! I guess it's pretty common but I always feel worse in the evenings, so tonight I am finding it harder than I have the last few days when I have been busy or had company.

Thank you again for coming back, Alison I hope the anti depressants and the counselling work for you, I am here if you'd like to chat as I know how lonely it can get

big hello and hugs

hi there im new to netmums and just read your post sounds to me like you;ve been really brave and well done for going to see the g.p that mustve been very hard but youve got the ball rolling i hope things look up for you you are doing a fantastic job take each day as it comes and try as much as you can to get out into the fresh air it reaaly does help walk to the local shop or park or even a bit of gardening will help i dont know where you live but if you are ever around in west yorkshire i would be happy to meet up my little girl is 2
feel free to pm if you ever want to chat take care Sandy x

Thinking of you. x

Hi, i just wanted to add a little bit more to wha the other posts have said. While you are waiting for your GP appointment, you could consider phoning samaritans just to speak to someone. Infact, it's 5 in the morning and i've just phoned them as i am suffering from bad panic attacks at the mo. It can often be helpful to speak to someone not connected to you, every time i've spoken to someone from samaritans, i've felt cared for and understood and they are not just there for when you are feeling like you can't go on. It sounds like you need lots of love and understanding at the moment. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for it. I'm sure your visit to the docs will help, and it's worth asking your doctor about what other help you can get from the nhs, e.g counselling, CBT etc. There is support out there, but from my experience, you sometimes have to ask for it. Best of luck and i hope you start to feel better soon, i'm sure you will. xxx