5 Ways To Lose Friends With Your Destination Wedding

Let’s face it: you’ve got too many friends. Who needs all of that love and support, anyhow? Why not burn as much goodwill as possible by staging the kind of destination wedding that will have would-be guests vomiting with anxiety and anger as soon as they step off the airplane? Trust us – you won’t regret thinning out the herd with these tried, tested, and true matrimonial tips.

1. Choose The Hottest Possible Location

What good’s a destination wedding unless said destination subjects everyone to the most intense levels of tropical heat on the planet? Make sure to schedule your ceremony during the hottest and wettest week of the year in whatever banana republic you’ve chartered a rickety old DC-3 cargo plane to get to, so that everyone’s senses are immediately overwhelmed the second they trip down the rear-opening ramp. Bonus points if you can book a priest willing to stand with you beside an active magma flow from a local volcano.

2. Super Fucking Serious Dress Code

It’s your wedding, which means your freaky dress code must be respected at all times. So what if Steve is allergic to latex? Who cares if Laurel sweats so much inside her skin-tight body suit that she is forever immortalized in a medical textbook for actually drowning in her own perspiration? THIS IS YOUR SPECIAL DAYWEEKEND WEEK!

3. Wild Animals Are Part Of The Ceremony

Did you know you could train an elephant to hand the bride her ring? That’s pretty awesome dude. Too bad you couldn’t also train it not to shit all over the banquet table. And why are all those monkey waiters constantly masturbating?

4. Is That Guy Carrying A Flamethrower?

What the fuck is even going on, man? Shit is the runway underwater at high tide, too? How the hell are we going to escape this fucking wedding!?!

5. Make A Raft From The Corpses

If your closest buddies can overcome their natural human revulsion to the proximity of death, maybe they can float away to freedom and a lifetime of terrible memories by lashing together the bodies of the guests who didn’t make it. And then unfriend you as soon as they get a cell signal again.