I never thought I’d be saying this — mostly because I never thought I’d be bitter or petty enough to write angry blog posts about ice cream — but I’m a little disappointed in J.P. Licks.

The local chain has made it a point of pride to create ice cream out of anything. They make so many bases out of so many ingredients, that basically anyone with a mouth and a functional digestive tract can enjoy their products. They have sorbets and yogurts, they have traditional ice cream made with cream. They make ice cream out of coconut for people who can’t eat dairy. They make it out ofweed, ffs! And they’ve flavored it with things that belong in a Taco Bell† (avocado, Tabasco, hemp). And then they’re just like, “Yeah, you can eat it. We have. We’re still here.” And I admire the hell out of that.

So today they announce their summer lineup of flavors, with two new additions to their “catalogue of over 250 recipes.” Great, I thought. The time has come for chicken alfredo ice cream.

Here are the two new flavors: Rocky-er Road and Root Beer Float.

“Those sound delicious,” you’re thinking, instantly shutting down my entire argument. And you’d be right. But I’m already halfway through this post, so away we go.

“Root Beer Float” blends the most basic (some would say boring) ice cream flavor in existence with one of the world’s oldest soda flavors, so that it resembles something that’s already on J.P. Licks’ menu. According to owner Vince Petryk, it took 25 years to perfect the flavor so that it tastes “like the melted ice cream after it mixes with the root beer.” Congratulations and all, but that’s 25 years you could have spent inventing ice cream that tastes like fresh-baked bread smells.

Even more infuriating is Rocky-er Road. You know what that is? It’s Rocky Road, but with one extra thing in it. “It has marshmallows, almonds and chocolate chunks. We took a classic and improved it,” Petryk said. You took a nap, you mean.

Welcome to the Brookline-ier TAB Blog! It’s the same old blend of news, opinion and unhinged rants on inconsequential topics, but we’ve added a gif of a dog with cartoon arms drawn on!

We took a classic and improved it.

Now, will I still eat J.P. Licks every chance I get and thank them for it? Yes. Did I just basically give them a free ad? Practically speaking, sure. Was the sole purpose of writing this post so I could think about ice cream for half an hour? Yep.