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Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Friday, August 30, 2013

Before I talk about the review, I want to say that one of the
biggest reasons I decided to do this midnight premiere thing is because I know EXACTLY how
excited my girls are over this band. I was the EXACT same way when I was
15 and Duran Duran was THE BIG THING. Every generation of young girls
should have their BIG THING and, IN MY OPINION, sometimes it's good to
give in to your kids' wishes when you know how big an impact it will
make on them, both now and in later years. They worked hard to complete the tasks they said they'd
complete. They kept their end of the deal. Thinking back on my own teen years, fan-girling over my favorite band, Duran Duran, I had the opportunity to see them twice in concert and know what an amazing experience it is for a teenage girl, so I really wanted to do this for my girls, because they're like me. I knew they'd love it. And I'd rather be remembered by my girls as the mom who did special things for them instead of the mean mom who said NO all the time. (mind you, I do say NO quite a bit, but in this case, I knew how much it meant to them).When we were sitting in traffic before the Hershey Park 1D concert, I had the windows down and we were blaring the CD and Amanda told me I was 'the coolest mom ever.' Sometimes a mom needs to hear that. It's validation.

So here it is, a bright and sunny early (and I do mean freaking early) Friday morning after a late night last night. My girls and I made a deal: if they made the bus every day from the beginning of the school year, clean out (vacuumed, dusted, etc) the guest room and got both their rooms spotless, I'd take them to the midnight premiere of the One Direction: This Is Us movie. Shockingly enough, they held up their end of the bargain. Who knew?

Last night after dinner, I went upstairs (while they were still cleaning/studying/fan-girling) and took a nap in preparation for the late night I knew I'd have. I woke up at around 8:20 and just for shits and giggles, logged on to the Regal Cinema site to see what the deal was for the movie. How pleasantly surprised I was to see that the midnight premiere was NOT, in fact, at midnight, but it was at 10:00! MUCH better. I let the girls know that they had exactly ONE HOUR to finish, then we'd leave.

I had planned to bring my earplugs, fully expecting a cacophony of screaming teens, much like I experienced at the One Direction concert back in July. However, when we arrived at the theater at 9:40, the parking lot was nearly empty and the theater was dark and all I could think of was "CRAP!! What the hell???" When we walked in and presented our tickets they told us the theater was to the left. We got our popcorn and headed over the theater 2 and sat with the 9 other girls that were there to see the movie. No lie. 9 other people plus us. BONUS! No ear plugs needed. After what seemed like an endless showing of movie previews, the movie started.

It. Was. Great. It was an honest look at the onstage and behind the scenes lives that these boys live. It wasn't just a concert movie like I was expecting. The filmmaker, Morgan Spurlock, filmed the boys' lives on tour. The good and the bad. Parents sad and missing their sons. Louis paying a visit to his Nan, Harry visiting the bakery where he worked before auditioning for the X-Factor. We saw the madness of screaming fans and the truth that the boys felt about it. The insanity of being pulled at (Liam nearly lost an ear!), fawned over, screamed at and how lonely that really can be. They sit around a campfire wondering what their lives will end up like, will they do this forever? Will they settle down and get married and have a family? Will a girl want to be with them because of the person they are on the inside and not because of WHO they are on the outside.

The movie is an honest look at what it's like for them to be away from their families for extended periods of time. Zayn bought a house, his mother and sisters got the keys and moved in and called him. Mom cried about how proud of him she was, how much it meant to her that he did this for them and he was visibly moved, glad that he was able to do this for her but saddened that he wasn't there to enjoy the new place with them. It really was an intimate look at their insights, their relationship with their families and with one another.

I enjoyed the film, and I'm so glad that my girls enjoyed it as well. It was worth going to such a late movie on a school night. I'd take them again in a heartbeat because it was a great bonding experience for the 3 of us. AND their rooms are clean, which is a bonus.

Oh and 15's calling me a closet 'Directioner' because I said I liked the movie. So I told her she's a closet 'Duranie' because she liked the Duran Duran concert we attended together. Ah the joys of motherhood.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

So the amazing, gorgeous and always funny Marcia at Menopausal Mother asked me to guest post on her blog. How could I say no? I LOVE Marcia! Her stories of her awesome family never fail to make me smile, so I wrote a little ditty about how great it was to watch the VMA's and learn some lessons from my daughters. Check out my guest post on Menopausal Mother now! Go on! Do it!

Also, I've been awarded the Versatile Blogger Award from the sexy, super Jen at Real Life Parenting. She's awesome and you should check her out. I'm going to post the required 7 facts about myself but I'm not going to pass the award on, because there are too many great blogs out there to choose from.

1. I eat cereal just about every morning. My fave is Corn Pops but I can't keep it in the house or I'll eat WAY too much of it. For breakfast, lunch and dinner.

2. My Dumbass cat sleeps on me every night. I always sleep on my side, and I usually wake up to her either on my hip or on my arm. Looking at me. Breathing on me. Freaking me out. Dumbass

3. I'm a band mom. I love my daughters' school bands. The instructors are amazing and my girls LOVE being in the band. It's win-win.

4. I miss letters. Writing letters, getting letters, I really miss those days when you'd go to the mailbox and find an envelope full of words and thoughts from a friend. Email is so impersonal. Those were the days.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

So I was doing a Google search this morning for 'tap dancing cats'. Why? You don't wanna know. But what I found wasn't tap dancing cats, it was 'Funny Cats in Water, Epic'. It is, indeed, 'epic'. Here's a little something to brighten up your Tuesday.

Video courtesy of YouTube

Ok wet kitties aside (no dirty jokes please) upon further investigation I found the 'World's Most Patient Cat'. I believe that as far as patient cats go, this one definitely corners the market. If this were my Dumbass, that dog would be bound and gagged in a dumpster somewhere.

Video courtesy of YouTube

And in a final clip, we see the hideous, deadly beast playing with his prey. What? Behind the bunny?

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Have you ever received one of those texts from your child that's pretty much a loaded question? I received one yesterday at work from my 13 year old. It went something like this:

"Hey mom, wanna answer me a question?"

Panic sets in. Did I throw away her prized collection of dust bunnies? Was she upset because I may or may not have given her way too tight tees and shorts to Goodwill? I braced for it, and said "Sure what is it?"

Drumroll please........................

"How old were you when you lost your virginity?"

What? What the.....HUH?? Yikes. She's 13 and currently single. Why would she need to know that? Well, apparently, she was (self-confessed) creepin' through my blog. She stumbled upon this post, wherein I answer questions because I had won an award. More specifically, question #6, how old were you when you lost your virginity. Naturally I lied. Who knew my kids actually DO read my blog? I should (clean) start putting (your) subliminal messages (room) hidden in text. That (bake) maybe (me) could (cupcakes) work (now!!!!).

So since she asked me flat out, and I don't lie to my kids (Santa and Easter Bunny aside, shut up) I told her. I told her that I was 18 (which is the truth), that it was awful (which it was), not enjoyable at all. Not special in the least. And that I regretted it almost immediately. It was with the boy I went to my senior prom with. We dated off and on but were never 'exclusive'. He lived with his grandmother, who was half senile. We used to party in his basement, all of us, and we paired off when it came time for prom. We fooled around quite a bit but never went all the way, not even on prom night. But one summer night after I graduated high school, he asked, I did and it was less than nothing to write home about. I explained to 13 that I felt dirty, cheap and used after giving him my virginity. I told her that your first time should be special, and it should be with someone you love, and someone who loves you back. Mine was not. Then she asked why I did it. I told her that I really liked him (not love) and I thought he'd like me more if I did it (which he didn't). What I didn't tell her, was that right after we did it, his grandmother walked in on us. I was mortified, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I was not only embarrassed to be caught, but devastated that what was supposed to be one of the most special times of my life ended up being one of the worst nights of my life. Right after we got dressed, I asked him to drive me home. And I believe that was probably one of the last times I ever spoke to him.

At 13, she knows that she is nowhere near ready for that step, and wants to wait until she's married. I told her that as her mother, I know that she will make mistakes and that she will learn from them. But I also want her to learn from the mistakes I've made because I'd love to save her from making the same heartbreaking mistakes. And I told her that losing your virginity with someone you love who loves you back, doing it for the right reason, isn't a mistake. But my reasons were wrong, and I will always regret it. And do you know what she said in reply? My 13 year old daughter said this:

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I just read, with HORROR, the story of an Australian college student who was shot in the back last week and killed by 3 teens from Oklahoma who were 'bored'. I am absolutely sickened. The story can be found here on the CBS news website. Christopher Lane was 22, going into his senior year at East Central University and had his whole life ahead of him. Now he's dead. Dead at the hands of 3 teenagers ranging in age from 15-17. What the hell is wrong with people?? This guy just went out for a run. The teens saw him run by, jumped into a car, followed him, shot in him the back and left him for dead because they were bored.

Photo of 22 year old college student Christopher Lane courtesy of CBSnews.com

One of the suspect's mothers told authorities that her son and his friends were in a 'wannabe gang'. Well I hope they are all tried as adults and are all thrown in jail for a very long time. They wanna be in a gang? I hope they get gang raped in prison for what they did to Christopher Lane. Maybe that's harsh, but not as harsh as the punishment they doled out to this innocent kid. What right did they have to take his life? Who gave them the right to decide who lives and who dies? It's sickening, it's disgusting. One of the suspects, the 17 year old, is quoted as saying 'we were bored, we didn't have anything to do so we decided to kill somebody." What kind of children are we raising in this country? What is happening in our society that something like this can happen? I'm completely at a loss to understand the thinking behind this cruel and tragic event. My heart aches for this boy's family and friends. So much to live for. So many things yet to happen in his life and he was taken away by 3 bored teens. Absolutely disgusting.

Photo of 22 year old college student Christopher Lane courtesy of CBSnews.com

Thursday, August 15, 2013

About 9 weeks ago, I posted about starting a new program to lose weight and tone up. It's a wonderful program called LeanMoms.com. The first few weeks I was on it, I was full after my meals and did have a bunch of energy. But the true fact of the matter is this: I am a runner. Do I look like a runner in my 'before' pics? No, I do not. But I don't care. I'm a runner, and runners need carbs. The LeanMoms program is chock full of lean proteins, lean meats, protein shakes, egg whites, cottage cheese and spinach, but very few carbs. Lacy and Jill are absolutely WONDERFUL and tremendously helpful! When I posted on the LeanMoms Facebook Community page that I had just finished a 6 mile run, Lacy followed up my post with a concern about how the program is set up more for short spurts of cardio to go along with the weight training (it's called HIIT) and not really meant for longer distance running.

I totally respect that, and for some, this is a great plan. Unfortunately, for me, I was not getting enough carbs in my daily intake to fuel my body for running, and running is my thing. The weight training plan is PHENOMENAL and I would highly recommend this plan to anyone and everyone who is interested in losing weight via the high protein/low carb method. But it just didn't work for me. I am confessing right now that I slowly drifted away from the plan after about the 6th or 7th week and have been putting more carbs back in my diet and refueling my body for running. Have I lost a ton? No. But I am seeing a change in the way my clothes are fitting me, and for me, that's enough right now.

There will be more updates as I continue on my journey to see single digit sized clothing back on my body. For now, I want to thank Lacy Arnold and Jill Kaufusi from LeanMoms.com for being so generous in offering me the program for 12 weeks for free, for helping me out with the 852 questions I asked, for providing outstanding client service and for always being on top of things on their Facebook Community. This is not a plan to try to sell you a quick fix, it's a great plan with fantastic people behind it. And I thank them for the opportunity to try it.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

How on God's green Earth this assbag is still around is beyond me. For those of you living under a rock, Anthony Weiner, New York Congressman and all-around douchebag was caught with his pants down, literally, because he tweeted pics of his weiner to women and engaged in six different 'inappropriate relationships' over the course of 3 years. And now he's running for mayor of New York. What the hell?? Who in their right mind would elect this jackass?

First of all, I just can't wrap my brain around the idea of this guy even THINKING anyone would take him seriously after the big scandal he brought on himself by tweeting lewd pictures of himself to women who follwed him on Twitter back in 2011. Now, according to this report from Business Insider, he called one of his opponents 'Grandpa' at a debate put together by AARP. Pretty smooth, dumbass. Last week, in a Quinnipiac University poll, Weiner dropped to 4th place (out of a possible 4, ouch, that's gotta hurt) and what was his response? According to the AP, his response was: "Polls don't change anything."

Well, polls may not change anything but sending pictures of your own 'pole' is pretty nasty, especially when you have a wife, a baby and you're a Congressman, you stupid twit. If you got caught in 2011, said you were sorry, resigned and did the same damn thing AGAIN as recent as April of this year using the name Carlos Danger, you deserve to have your ass kicked in the polls, in the streets, in your house, gosh there's really NO PLACE I can think of where you DON'T deserve to have your ass kicked.

So that's my take on Anthony Weiner. I'll give him no more ink.

How about Ashton 'call me Chris' Kutcher's commencement speech at the Teen Choice Awards Sunday night? After thousands of girls screamed at the boys from One Direction (sorry 15 and 13, you weren't home in time to watch but I saw it and it was wonderful) whose average age is like, 20, the hosts introduced a guy who looked like a cross between Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan, who then presented Ashton Kutcher with the 'old guy award' which I think is comparable to the Oscars Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement award, but don't quote me. Ashton then got up on stage, revealed that his real name is Chris (so?) and then proceeded to give the equivalent of a college commencement speech to the thousands of screaming girls, some of which screamed "Take it off!!!" as he was imparting words of wisdom. Nice idea, Ash....Chris, but maybe next time, save it for the graduates. I think your wisdom was lost on the chicks who just wanted to see your bare chest.

Also of note for that show was the really sweet and very emotional acceptance speech from Lea Michelle who won for TV Actress in a Comedy. It was her first appearance since the death of her former Glee castmate and boyfriend Cory Monteith. Even I was moved, and I'm pretty hardass about stuff like that (totally lying, I'm a flipping marshmallow who cries while watching A Baby Story).

And I'm going to leave you Snarklings with a movie recommendation. Early in the summer, we started streaming Netflix, and one of my husband's favorite genres of film is B horror movies. He could watch I Spit on Your Grave til the cows come home. So he's been watching these movies and came across one that gave him pause. I'm not sure why it was in the B horror genre, because it was hilarious. The movie is called Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. I swear to God we laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. It stars Tyler Labine as Dale and Alan Tudyk (Steve the Pirate from Dodgeball) as Tucker. If you have a chance, rent it, stream it, watch it and come back and tell me you didn't nearly pee your pants watching it.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Who's got a post over at The Epistolarians today? Guess! Did you guess ME? Then you'd be right. I've worked in customer service all of my life and I've seen things that would make you laugh, cry, cringe, scream, yell, whisper and have witness jaw dropping acts, both good and bad. Wanna know more? Have a look.

Friday, August 9, 2013

The lovely and hilarious Johi from Confessions of a Corn Fed Girl does a TMI interview each Friday. Some of my I Just Want to Pee Alone co-authors have been featured in this series and each of these interviews has cracked me up. Well today, Johi interviewed me and gave me some really hard-hitting questions. I had to think long and hard before I answered them, and I hope you enjoy our conversation! You can read my interview here.

Do you know where he was
found? In a dumpster outside an apartment building in Ohio. His dog bed,
a bag of dog food, a bag with toys, food bowl and SHOT RECORDS were all
piled ON TOP of this little guy in that dumpster. Who does that to a 9
week old puppy?? What is wrong with people?? A puppy is not like a
magazine that you bring into your house and throw away when you're
finished with it. A puppy is a living, breathing responsibility. It is
not something you discard into a dumpster when you get tired of it.

All of this was dumped ON TOP of this little puppy (except the pup sniffing the dog food)

My friend and her husband (who found him in the dumpster) took him in and are giving him a
temporary place to stay until they can figure out what to do with him.
They already have 2 dogs and 2 cats, so keeping him isn't an option. I'm
not posting this to ask people to adopt him, because they have had
plenty of people offer. I'm posting it because I'm pissed off that
people have such disregard for life. It's sickening. I'm so happy that
her husband found him, but God forbid, what if he hadn't? What if people
would've continued to throw more trash (heavy items!) into the
dumpster? What is wrong with people??

It blows my mind that someone could do that to such a sweet little boy. Look at how tired he was after a long and trying day:

They obviously cared for him, because he had all of his belongings with him, (okay on top of him) and he had JUST gotten shots this past Tuesday. So it just escapes me how you can WANT a puppy, PAY for shots, BUY all the things necessary to care for a puppy, then throw that puppy away. Just blows my mind.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

The beautiful, funny, talented and amazing Jenn from My Daily Jenn-isms thinks I'm Squirrely. Don't worry, I'm sure that's a good thing. (I think). I don't actually know what it means, but who am I to look a gift squirrel in the mouth? Don't they carry rabies or squirrel pox or chow mein flu?

Anyway, I digress, thanks to Jenn for this most auspicious award, and without further ado, I am supposed to list 10 squirrely facts about myself. SO here goes:

1. I could eat cereal for breakfast, lunch and fooking dinner. I love cereal, and my husband once called me, and I quote: "A cereal-eating bitch." This after I finished off a box of Corn Pops that he'd had his eye on.

2. I used to never want to drink wine. Then I had a bottle of Kenwood Cabernet on a trip to the Poconos with my husband and it was gooooooood. THEN I was a wine snob, turning up my nose at any wine that had a screw top. Until I tried Coriole, which was GOOOOOOOD and I love it EVEN THOUGH it has a screw top. You live and learn.

3. I used to be meticulous about paying bills and balancing my checkbook. Then I had children. Now I'm lucky if I can even FIND my checkbook. And if it balances, it's only through divine intervention. Bills get paid when they get paid. Take THAT Citibank!

4. I miss seeing my mom, only living 20 minutes away from her. Now I live 4 hours away and I hate being so far from her.

5. I still hold out hope that the Phillies will SOMEHOW turn it around in the last 48 games and win them all to make it to the post season. Ever the optimist, so shoot me.

6. Because I AM a glutton for punishment, I'm doing another Tough Mudder. This time it'll be the week after I run the Freedoms Run here in town. And yes, I do have rocks in my head.

7. One of the first things my husband ever said to me was 'My colostomy bag must've leaked'. And I cracked up and fell in love with him at that very second.

8. If you're wondering about number 7, he didn't REALLY have a colostomy bag.

9. I hate coming up with Squirrely facts about myself.

10. I love making other people squirm, so here are my choices for the Squirrely Blogger Award. Have fun! And go check these folks out, tell 'em Snarky sent ya.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Good news, Snarklings! The 'ew' is gone! Yes, we did manage a good, thorough cleansing at Casa Snarkfest this past weekend. Well, the downstairs, anyway. Not like I'm going to invite company over and then we'll go hang out in the filthy, dirty bedroom, right? No, you guests will stay downstairs on the only clean floor of the house and you'll like it!

More good news! The crap that's been making its way through the family seems to be on the downside. Two weeks ago, 13 got sick with a high fever and headache. That moved to her eyes, she got pink eye a sore throat. Next, 15 got sick with a fever and earache. Once the earache cleared up, she got very throaty and sounded like Kathleen Turner with a side order of Brenda Vaccaro for a week. Next, the husband got sick. It was touch and go there for awhile, but we were so happy that he pulled through and survived the mancold without us having to go have a will drawn up. I had the priest on standby just in case last rights were in order, but he faced down that horrific disease and came though the other side alive and well. Love you, honey.

Even MORE good news, the little non-profit I work for had a front page article written about it in this past weekend's Washington Post Sunday Magazine. Check it out! We're so stoked! As if that wasn't cool enough, they also came to our little burg and shot some video of our office staff, and I make my video debut in the last 3 seconds of the clip. Don't blink or you'll miss me. The video is at the top of the news article. See, Snarkfest is more than just a place to go and read my rants. You can also get edumacated too! BONUS!

Moving right along, I'm looking for input. My wonderful, amazing and adorable chilluns think I'm going to take them to the midnight premiere of the 1D concert movie (stay with me here, it's One Direction). The release date is August 30, which amounts to midnight on the 29th. A Thursday. A school night. In order for me to do that, heaven and earth will need to be moved. The impossible will have to be possible. Something so unbelievably tremendous will have to occur, it will be worthy of CNN, MSNBC and FoxNews to report on. (okay maybe not FoxNews) That's right: rooms will have to be clean. And not just be clean but KEPT clean. I know, I'll have an easier time juggling cats than hoping for this to happen. But if they really want me to take them to the midnight premiere, it'll have to happen. Otherwise, I may not EVER take them to see it. So here's where I ask for your input. A poll, if you will.

A) If they clean their rooms by no later than Sunday August 11, and if they KEEP them clean, I will take them to the midnight premiere, pay for their tickets AND popcorn.

B) If they don't clean their rooms, I will have nothing to do with the One Direction movie, they should not ask me to take them, they should not ask for money to go see it, they shouldn't even mention the words 'One' or 'Direction' to me.

Friday, August 2, 2013

I've got a confession to make. I am a lousy housekeeper. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "But Snarky, you have two teenagers living at home, off for the summer! How can your house be a disaster?" Well, let me just explain. Yes, I DO have two teens, yes they are home for the summer. But they aren't much on cleaning. I'm not saying they don't clean, but.... wait, yes I am. THEY DON'T CLEAN.

Let me give you an example, and please believe me when I tell you that I had NO intentions on posting this picture, but my friend Sio basically forced me into it. She saw it in my living room and said "Oh you have to blog about that." At first I was like, "No, I'm embarrassed, everyone will know I'm a terrible housekeeper." But the more I talked with her, the more I realized that the house is NOT just my house. The residents of my house really DO need to help me keep it clean. And that's why I asked 15 to please get a dust rag and some Pledge and clean the bottom of the coffee table. Instead, I found this:

For those of you who can't read it, it says "My mom is a shitty housekeeper"

That's right, it says 'ew'. Thank you, 15, instead of cleaning it, you pointed out to me that the dust is so thick on the bottom of the coffee table that you can write your memoirs there. Instead of helping me out, you took it upon yourself to judge my cleaning skills. But you only succeeded in making MORE work for yourself. Because when you get home from band camp today, you will not only have 'ew' to clean up, but you'll also have the 'gross' dust on the bookshelf, the 'nasty' dog snot on the windows and the 84 lbs. of 'yuck!' dog hair on the hardwood floors to clean as well.

Perhaps the next time I ask you to do something, you will forgo writing your opinions on the dust and just clean it up so I don't have to call you out on my blog.

By the way, if you look REALLY closely, you can see cat paw prints in the dust. Dumbass just wanted to leave her mark in the dust to remind me why I call her Dumbass.