yup still dead

Be Very Afraid: The Only Witness To Death Of Breitbart Has ‘Vanished’

Well, that seals it. Barack Obama’s body count is now almost as high as the murderous Clinton Crime Family’s! Whom is he capping? (That is gang talk, because Barack Obama is a Chicago thug.) Anybody and everybody who might have led to the Ghost of Breitbart releasing something way awesomer about Bill Ayers than the sad dud “Vettening” he posthumously laid.

WingNutDaily, having first brought us the news of the mysterious death by maybe-poisoning of a coroner’s tech who may or may not have worked on the case of Dead Breitbart (he didn’t), now has another link in this case of murder most foul, and it really ties the whole room together. What’s the latest SCOOP? They couldn’t find the “sole witness” to his death, because he might have moved. That is a mysterious “vanishing” indeed!

Lay it out for us, paranoid schizophrenic on the bus WND, in your investigative masterpiece “NOW A WITNESS TO BREITBART’S DEATH VANISHES!”

After recruiting the assistance of private investigators, WND found that [Christopher] Lasseter, the 26-year-old witness who saw Breitbart drop dead, is no longer residing at his last known address in California.

At the request of WND, Ohio-based private investigator Susan Daniels recruited a California-based private investigator to find Lasseter. The local investigator tried without success to find a cell phone or landline phone number for Lasseter.

After determining that Lasseter lived with his parents, Thornton, age 64, and Elaine, age 56, at a Los Angeles address, the investigator visited the residence in-person to see if he could make contact.

During the visit, the investigator reported, no one picked up the phone when he dialed the Lasseter apartment number outside the building. But he was greeted by a voice recording that identified different people at the apartment by first name, with none of the names on the recording being Christopher, Thornton or Elaine.

The investigator concluded Christopher Lasseter had “hunkered down” in what seemed to be an attempt to avoid further questioning.

He was unsure Lasseter was still residing at the address and considered it possible that Lasseter had moved.

That is veeeery suspicious, WND. But you got anything else, just to make sure the whole Case Of How Barack Obama Will Not Stop Murdering Breitbart Witnesses is airtight?

On the day the Los Angeles County coroner released Breitbart’s autopsy report, a photographic technician at the coroner’s office died suddenly of suspicious causes.

In addition, at the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, D.C., just three weeks before Breitbart’s death – where he promised to unveil “damning” new video evidence of Barack Obama’s radical past that would change the election – Breitbart gave WND details of his upcoming revelations.

He claimed to WND that he had a video showing radical Weather Underground terrorist Bill Ayers and Barack Obama at Harvard planning revolution in the United States. But the video, aired just after he died, was of Obama introducing a radical Harvard professor, and the general response was flat..

Andrew Breitbart would never promise a scoop he did not have, so it must have been somehow stolen after he was murdered, and then a “photographic” tech who did not work on his body was murdered for what he knew (nothing), and that this third guy is murdered too most likely, or else in hiding for fear of his life, from Barack Obama. But is there perhaps another opinion?

Filmmaker Steve Bannon, appointed executive chairman of the Breitbart News Network after Breitbart’s death, has insisted to WND that the media mogul died of natural causes and to suggest anything else is irresponsible.

“Breitbart had an enlarged heart,” Bannon told WND. “He had been hospitalized for the problem last year and told to lose weight that he did not lose.”

Rebecca is the owner, editrix and publisher of Wonkette. She was in newspapers for a very long time. Follow her on the Twitter. She is currently on maternity leave (until 2033), so you didn't just read this post.

The only reason to change phone numbers or addresses is if you were a witness in an Obama-backed assassination plot. It all makes sense.

Doktor StrangeZoom

So, if someone doesn't immediately make himself available to talk to conspiracy loons, that makes him part of (or a victim of) the conspiracy. Sure, why not.

Reginald_Perrin

Of course he was murdered, there is no way I am going to believe the lies about Breitfart having a heart

Preferred Customer

“Breitbart had an enlarged heart,” Bannon told WND.

So, just like the ending of the Grinch, then? Breitbart died because he loved too much.

skoalrebel

Breitbart had an enlarged heart because he cared so much for America. [spit!] I aspire to be that sort of light in the darkness that is Obama's America. Think of me as a glowing crack pipe of truth in the dreary gloaming. [spit!] Yeah, I admit it, I'm a dreamer. [spit!]

swordfis

I don't know why, but this article really cheered me up.

Goonemeritus

Why are we spending all this effort to silence one voice when FEMA death camps would be so much more efficient?

EatsBabyDingos

New book reveals Breitbart's heart had enlarged three times it's original size. Then Max pushed him off the cliff with the sled full of toys. It is a comedy.

mookwrthwilson

Breitbart was only 43??? Yikes…those years were not kind…

Poindexter718

And/too, Breitbart's personal assistant's last name was "Foster" and Vince Foster's secretary's last name was "Wanker."

memzilla

"Andrew Breitbart would never promise a scoop he did not have."

Namely, Wingtard Swirl with Extra Nuts.

iburl

I'm sure the WingNutDaily will find a witness that will testify that it was Obama in the Library with the Candlestick holder.

Doktor StrangeZoom

Concert violinist Roman Totenberg died yesterday at the age of 101. Clearly, the Obama plot got to him, too–as a warning to his daughter, NPR's Nina Totenberg, who would have been in a position to expose the administration's perfidy. The centenarian's death was attributed to "natural causes" by medical examiners, who were almost certainly frightened for their own safety.

FakaktaSouth

I'm fairly certain they got Maurice Sendak, the guy who thought up The Pyramid and Price is Right, AND Adam MCA Yauch. This has been a busy, busy week for the Obama-Death-Patrol.

Doktor StrangeZoom

Actually, I'm somewhat surprised that the Wingosphere hasn't gone nuts explaining how Sendak is roasting in hell for being an atheist sodomite. His books encouraged wild rumpuses, frolicking naked in cake batter, and talking back to your elders, after all. Worse, he did that one book about homeless children that didn't even condemn Poors for owning appliances

FakaktaSouth

LOVE LOVE LOVE.
Maurice said, "There MUST be more to life than having everything" – so yeah, that fucker's in 1% right wing hell for sure.

He and Colbert were ADORABLE together.

Lionel[redacted]Esq

The problem is that most Wingosphere members secretly want to frolic naked in cake batter, even if they never would.

Still, I kept thinking last night as I listen to Fresh Air's retrospective on Sendak just how sad it must be to grow up and never know the wonder of reading Where the Wild Things Are or In the Night Kitchen. No wonder most Conservatives are so humorless.

Filmmaker Steve Bannon, appointed executive chairman of the Breitbart News Network after Breitbart’s death, has insisted to WND that the media mogul died of natural causes and to suggest anything else is irresponsible.

“Breitbart had an enlarged heart,” Bannon told WND.

Now I know Breitbart was murdered and this guy was in on it. Everyone knows Breitbart had a tiny heart made of coal, shards of broken glass and old cigarette butts held together with an oily mix of bile and garden soil.

chicken_thief

But on the plus side, word is that the garden soil was organic.

tessiee

And a moldy sourkraut sangwich…
*sings*
With arsenic sauce!

CapnFatback

Anybody and everybody who might have led to the Ghost of Breitbart releasing something way awesomer about Bill Ayers than the sad dud “Vettening” he posthumously laid.

WingNutDaily, having first brought us the news of the mysterious death by maybe poisoing of a coroner’s tech

Becca, dearest, let the powers of caffeine talk full effect before finding the courage to write about such World Net Daily mind-queefs. The toxicity of the subject matter has done scrambled your editing bone.

SorosBot

Wait, so a guy who witnessed Breitbart's death kept getting contacted by right-wing conspiracy theorists who believe the angry drunk was murdered, and then he suddenly became impossible for the conspiracy theorists to to get a hold of? Yep, clearly he's been disappeared by the administration, and didn't say change his phone number to avoid further harassment by the World Nut Daily lunatics.

GOPCrusher

Well, he never denied seeing the President standing over the corpse with a smoking gun in his hand.

You know who else named "Lasseter" in Los Angeles is at the center of elaborate, hard to believe fantasies involving the coordinated efforts of countless technicians, the evidence of which is contained in bombshell films?!

I have on good authority it is borrowed from John Greenleaf the Wittier.

I do not have on good authority how my judgment became clouded on choosing 'abstruse' — I wanted to go with obtuse, but found that this describes more a person's qualities (say, Sarah Palin) whereas 'abstruse' describes the ideas coming from them (Palin's word salads)

Marlowe. He'll get on the case just as soon as he finishes his steak-and-vodka-gimlet breakfast.

prommie

This aggression shall not stand, man.

Generation[redacted]

This is what happens, Lasseter, when you find a stranger in the Alps.

OneYieldRegular

The investigator concluded that Lasseter had "hunkered down" in an attempt to avoid a roving band of nuts from pestering him with questions so conspiratorially insane that even the producer of "Sightings" would have bolted the door and gone out through the bathroom window.

littlebigdaddy

Yeah, it's pretty hard to believe than an overweight alcoholic with rage issues might die of a heart attack. It has to be Obama's fault.

smitallica

You can keep trying, WND, but nobody outside your little paranoia party is ever going to give a fuck about this asshole and how or why he died. Ever.

DaRooster

Strange that a guy who apparently didn't take good care of himself drops dead and it's a huge "Obama did it" thing…
Whilst nothing is said when Repugnants carve the shit out of programs and watch poor kids starve to fucking death because of their "ideals".

Doktor StrangeZoom

No one in America is actually poor or hungry, don't you see. Most own TV's and basic kitchen appliances.

Also, a right-wing blogger saw a fat black lady at McDonalds, so there is no poverty or hunger anywhere. CUT FOOD STAMPS NOW!

Jus_Wonderin

Am I the only one that wants video of his croakage so I can micro edit it for my political purposes??? I'd put a big cock in his mouth and have him choking on it (not that there's anything wrong with that).

So the California guy couldn't find a phone number for Lasseter, decided he must be living with his parents and then got a wrong number for the parents, a wrong number that didn't answer and sent a bill. WND really got taken for suckers by this California sharpy.

Biff

Something tells me he's either not very good at his jerb, or he simply does not care for WND.

BerkeleyBear

Both. Most "PI" types that I've worked with are mainly process servers/divorce evidence gatherers who are fine as long as you give them very specific locations and limited tasks, but suck terribly at doing actual "investigations". Fuck, stick a true debt collector/skip tracer on him, though, and he'd get found.

Biff

“Go with god, Brah…”

Naked_Bunny

Given that Brietbart's shtick in the last few years has been to publish staged hit pieces, it seems like the most likely suspect isn't Obama, it's O'Keefe.

Biff

I was somehow still awake during the 11:00 news last night, and was deeply saddened by the crack Las Vegas NV CBS affiliate's news team's aggregating of a WND "scoop" on internet predators.

elburritodeluxe

Different people answered the number we had and nobody came to the door. Welp… we're at an investigative dead end here, people. The President of the United States must have killed Breitbart.

RedneckMuslin

If only this conspiracy theory was true….,

JoeHoya

You know who else was told to lose weight but never did? Webster Hubbell.

anniegetyerfun

If I had WND calling me constantly for information about what I'd saw, I'd flee the goddamn country. Can you imagine trying to hold a phone conversation with one of those mentally deranged people?

timbo71351

He's still dead and I'm still glad.

Dildeaux

Careful with the comments. You may be next.

ttommyunger

Fuck Breitbart….and I could use the rest.

Judith_Priest

That's fine. I've been alive for a long time, and besides — there's a Danger of More Republican Government. I wouldn't mind meeting my Maker if that happens.

SaintRond

You know, with all the rabble rousing that goes on this site, I can't help having the sense that, and yes, the horror too, imagining that someday very soon one of these readers might get really drunk, buy a shovel and steal this poor man's corpse.

Just sayin'.

Doktor StrangeZoom

ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!!!!

Judith_Priest

No need to desecrate the remains. I'll be satisfied just to dance a jig on his grave.

SaintRond

I just had a wonderful idea – selling tours where decent, caring and honest Americans who work hard and play by the rules, can get on a bus and visit the graves of notably swinish Republicans and pee on them.

barto

Another overlooked fact is that for every day of the 43 years leading up to Brietbart's death, tens of thousands of children died of hunger! Will Obama stop at nothing?!?!?

tessiee

You know, I'd managed to ignore this guy when he was alive, and therefore, I don't know very much about him — but did he suffer from severe depression or something?
All kidding aside, look back at that picture and tell me he's not on the verge of bursting into tears.

Generation[redacted]

Didn't News Corp get in trouble for hiring private investigators?

comrad_darkness

If you were breitbart's neighbor, wouldn't you forget him as fast as you could too?

timbo71351

Where is Brietbart buried anyhow? If I'm ever in Southern California, I would like to know of a good place to pee. Or did the family just flush his ashes down the toilet?

ttommyunger

No one wants to stand in a line that fucking long…

Wile E. Quixote

Especially when you already have to pee!

ttommyunger

Fer sure. A Deuce would be more satisfying, anyway.

owhatever

Hillary did it, just like she offed Vince Foster.

mormos

Why can’t these loons just admit that Breitbart ate one too many cheeseburgers and died of a heart attack? You know, the same way 25% of Americans die? Hell, I bet the guy had more cheeto dust in his veins than blood. That or he was poisoned by his own vitriol…

GOPCrusher

Breitbart was killed before he had to chance to edit the video to include Bill Ayers in it.

I'm starting to think all the super-competent private detectives in L.A. as portrayed in the vast field of noir crime novels might be an exaggeration.

Lionel[redacted]Esq

If WND was serious about this, they would have one of their staffers dress up like a pimp and have them go to the White House, where Obama would admit to everything, at least after the tape was edited.

WND is just another tool of the lying, libunatical, liebrul lamestream-media who are all helping to cover up the real autopsy report on Andrew Breitbart, the one that was about to be released by that forensics tech who was snuffed a few weeks ago and which reveals that Breitbart's stomach contents were a noisome and frothy mix of Four Loko, Cheez Whiz, pork rinds, bile, crushed oxycontin tablets, methampetamine and the semen of at least two dozen men, as well as cocaine and bull semen.

All of this makes me wonder why Joseph Farah won't reveal the truth and what he's really trying to hide. Where was Farah the night Breitbart was killed? Does he have any witnesses who can verify his whereabouts? Are those witnesses reliable? Can I see their long form birth certificates?

"Hello, Mrs. Breitbart! May I please speak to Andy?"
"Is this YOU again? I just told you! Twice! My husband is dead. He's DEAD. Andrew Breitbart is DEAD! Why are you calling me over and over when I've already told you: He's DEAD!?"
"I know. I know. It's just that I love hearing you say it."

(Originally told about drummer Gene Krupa, who was apparently famous, also, for being a complete asshole.)