Sunday, January 12, 2014

The
Space to Doubt

View from the meditation platform on top of Nibbana Cave.

I
am now staying in the Nibbāna
Cave near the top of Jom Gom Hill. I am not sure if the name refers
to the possibility of Nibbāna
for those staying there, or whether it means that the cave itself is
'nibbanic' in quality. On the worldly level the cave is indeed at
least 'heavenly' as far as caves go. There are no bats, no ants, few
mosquitoes and very pleasant temperatures between 20C and 26C, with
even occasional gusts of cool wind. The cave also includes a
meditation platform with spectacular views over the surrounding
countryside and down the Mekong River. It is a one-hour sunny walk up
and a 50-minute stroll down through a star-filled sky. But the most
notable aspect is that it is unbelievably quiet. Mostly there is only
the rustling of leaves in the wind or occasionally the distant hum of
the Mekong rapids. When the wind stops there is only the sound of the
mind.

The Nibbana Cave, with wind guard down.

Unfortunately,
I will only be here for a short time before visiting Wat Nanachat and
Wat Pah Pong for the annual Luang Por Chah commemoration events and
meetings; then it is back to Bangkok for more dental work. At the end
of January I will travel to Dhammagiri Monastery in Brisbane for six
weeks.

A
question which keeps returning is the effect that living close to
nature has on the mind. While we each try to maintain a certain
stable emotional environment, nature has a wide range of expressions
(hence we try to buffer ourselves from its extremes). There are so
many things to be aware of: changing weather conditions, variations
in the landscape, various insects to avoid or be wary of, certain
plants which have thorns or protruding branches, loose stones or
slippery dry leaves, the occasional dangerous creature, etc. Living
exposed to nature's varied expressions thus requires a heightened
degree of mindfulness and clear comprehension, as well as resilience
so as to be prepared for the unexpected changes and to weather them
with some degree of composure. When staying in especially scenic or
unusual places, one is drawn to being more attentive to the
environment. This brings forth what I call the 'sense of wonderment',
a mixture of awe, intensified interest and a curiosity of inquiry.
Sometimes there may be a tinge of fear when the curious inquiry slips
into uncertainty or doubt, for example when standing on the edge of a
steep drop. The effect of wonderment is a focusing of the mind, an
energizing of body and mind, a humbling of grandiosity, and sometimes
a stirring of questioning or reflectiveness upon the meaning of life:
all supportive qualities for meditation.

Another
related effect is the distortions of time which can be caused by
travelling through spectacular scenery. I am usually fairly good at
judging time. However, sometimes when I have journeyed back to the
cave after one of my exploratory excursions through the rock ledges
and ravines, I have noticed a severe loss of time perspective. I put
this down mostly to becoming absorbed in the scenery. This effect is
similar to experiences of meditative concentration: the more the
subject absorbs into the (meditation) object, the less 'subjective'
it feels, for example, relative to time, place and familiar habits.
Taken to the extreme of complete absorption, 'subjectivity' becomes
entirely lost in unitary consciousness. Some people can be
transported 'out of themselves' through seeing exceptional scenery or
through intensive activities in nature. One evening as I stood on the
stark plateau amongst exotic rock formations, with the setting sun
transforming the horizon into a radiant golden glow, the thought
arose that I could just as well be on Mars, the scene being so
unworldly. A skilled rock climber I knew in England said
that when all goes well, he and the rock become one. The limitation
of these experiences is that subjectivity is transcended only
temporarily, and they can also become something which feeds the ego,
since they are still mundane experiences.

As
well as inducing concentration,the experience of off-trail exploring
also requires increased mindfulness and a constant reflective
re-orientation. Nature is just the way it is, and is in continuous
dynamic change. When we truly tune in to Nature we need to tune out
from our obsessive self-reference. Then we can sometimes approach the
experience of Suchness, being totally relaxed and present with the
way it is: just these sights, sounds, smells, tastes, sensations and
thoughts.

We
can also learn a lot from Nature. In the process of opening to the
diverse expressions of Nature, we suspend and can even throw off our
old, habitual ways of being. This may be one way to lessen the hold
of familiar habits which keep bringing us back to the theme of our
'old self'. Through challenging our old self with new views, we learn
to take our own views less seriously and sometimes to see how limited
they actually are. We each have our own personal 'view on life', and
often forget that it is only one view. Step to one side and there is
a different view, sometimes even a better view.

Our
old self is held together by our habit tendencies and is reinforced
by what the Buddha called the 'underlying dispositions' (anusaya).
I am particularly interested in these tendencies, which I have
previously referred to as 'classic hits' (October Blog), as they are
the hardest to hear since they are often just playing softly in the
background; yet they are very significant in directing life.

For
example, during this retreat I became more aware of doubt as an
underlying disposition. I know something about doubt as one of the
Five Hindrances, and have some experience of working with it.
However, recognizing it as a fundamental underlying disposition which
is always functioning in the background was quite a sobering
revelation. It's not that I have the same kind of paralyzing
perplexity or numbing confusion which I associate with doubt as a
hindrance. This underlying form of doubt is much more subtle and
insidious. It manifests as a form of not believing certain aspects of
experience, which energetically expresses itself as not surrendering
or fully letting go. There is sometimes a palpable holding back or
hesitancy, a 'not-sureness' in my approach to life.

This
non-believing and holding back is worth investigating, as it brings
me to the edge of conceit or where 'I am holding on'. And there can
be quite a bit of arrogant identity in not believing - 'I don't
believe that'. Some aspect of 'me' obviously believes in my
non-believing. Some aspect of self is holding on. Is this the
rationally-conditioned self? And what belief, view or attitude is
supporting this?

One
aspect is that I believe there is some wisdom in non-believing as
well. Believing too easily may disguise an intellectual laziness to
investigate more thoroughly, or an emotional need to believe due to
underlying insecurity. I am especially wary of the 'herd mentally',
'fadism' or 'cultism'. When something becomes fashionable or someone
becomes popular, I notice my reservations increasing. Some views are
so well-packaged or presented so skilfully that they can seem
irresistible. This is particularly noticeable when emotional issues
are presented in some pseudo-reasonable form. The underlying emotions
high-jack the supposedly reasonable discussion, giving birth to
'fuzzy' or 'fudgy logic', and the basis for wise reflection is lost.
I have also seen the damage resulting from unreflective belief:
defensive righteousness, confused and disillusioned followers, the
anger of betrayal, etc.

This
doubting tendency is amplified by being in Thailand, where one hears
about many things which give occasion for doubt. People speak openly
about ghosts, celestial beings, 'mystical beings' such as nāgas
and spirits of deceased people, as well as psycho-normal events and
the special powers of certain monks. When I first heard about them I
would dismiss them immediately as superstition. However, at one point
I realized that this attitude was very arrogant, and was actually due
to the fact that I myself had not had any such experiences. Other
people considered them to be true. For these kinds of experiences my
doubting now manifests as 'don't know' or 'could be' rather than
outright dismissal.

Ideally
non-believing can allow some reflective space to consider things more
widely and deeply. Holding back to give some space for reflection may
not sound all that bad; however, the real issue is, 'What aspect of
self is holding back?'. There is often some fear there, perhaps
basically the fear of being overwhelmed, but also fear of being drawn
into something which is hard to get out of. It is often harder to let
go of a view than not adhere to one in the first place. Is this
flexibility or indecision?

Doubt
is transcended at the first level of awakening. This does not mean
that one then simply believes everything. Rather, as with all the
'defilements', a major transformation takes place. Some forms of
doubt, such as of the teaching or the practice, completely fall away.
Other forms of doubt become transformed into wisdom. Everything has
some element of truth to it. Wisdom is the ability to discern what
that element is. Thus some things ought not to be believed, some
things should be further considered and some things are worth
believing or having some confidence in until we know the truth of
them directly for ourselves. Ideally, we then gain some experience in
maintaining the skilful balance between the Spiritual Powers of
'knowing wisdom' and 'faith in the not-yet known' which leads on to
ever-deepening insight.

1 comment:

Beautiful meditation. Many thanks for sharing. I could find neither 'Nibbāna Cave' nor 'Jom Gom Hill' on Google. Where in Thailand is that? I'd very much like to make a pilgrimage there myself, and do some meditation in that cave.