Saturday, March 14, 2009

India needs a two party system.... ha!

Blogdosts, this has appeared today in the Asian Age \ Deccan Chronicle. As you will discover, I had the best time writing it....ha ha...

I haven’t paid a crore of rupees to acquire the rights to what has rapidly become the nation’s anthem - Jai Ho! So, sue me guys. I must hand it to those smart Charlies who handle the image business of the Congress party. That was a clever move – excellent timing, too. Now I hear they’ve roped in the bachchas from the award winning movie to sing and dance for them at various poll stations. Don’t know what is more ludicrous – Mayawati’s idea to put up gigantic statues of elephants across her state, or to parade these slum kids as a vital part of the Incredible India campaign. The next elections? The pits. The absolute pits. Nautanki at its worst,in terms of strategy – when all else fails, pull out the jokers! I remember an Italian diplomat snorting disparagingly into his vino as he recalled his encounter with Mayawati in Lucknow last year. What he couldn’t get over was the handbag-statue!! He had yet to see anything like it in all his long years of service, and at any of the many destinations he’d been posted to. “ Why is she so attached to her handbag? Even the Queen of England loves her purses, but one doesn’t see statues of her hanging on to them for dear life.” I assured him it was a deeply symbolic representation invested with layers of meaning, and left it at that.If Mayawati and her bag can never be parted, doesn’t it say something? He drank the rest of the vino in one quick gulp and disappeared to ponder over the remark. I bet he was thinking, “Mama mia! These Indian women…. they are quite crazy.”‘Crazy’ is likely to be the operative word in the next elections. Seats are being sold like peanuts…. very, very expensive peanuts , of course. ‘Paisa lao. Ticket le jao.” Cash and carry. No fuss. No nakhra. And most importantly, no bulls*#* either. Nobody is even trying to pretend this is about competence and qualifications. If you have the curves and the cash – you are in! Nagma – yes, Sourav’s Nagma, also wants to serve the country all of a sudden. I want to tell her, “ You already have, honey. You really have.” Sourav’s game improved radically after his brief liaison with the bombshell. There are several other glam dolls who are keen to serve the country. In what capacity? Don’t ask. Preity may. Which is not a bad thing. There’s not much of a career left in Bollywood for the talented lass. Cricket and politics make great bed fellows, as Pawar will tell you. Tomorrow, it may be Rakhi Sawant’s turn. Or Monica Bedi’s. Molls welcome, ji. They know how to survive in jungles. And if cop rumours are to be believed, Monica is sitting on one hell of a lot of dosh – never mind that Abu Salem is getting increasingly antsy about it. The logic is simple, as Amar Singh has pointed out – glamour sells. People will vote for anybody they can recognize. This only goes to prove the absolute and total power of Page 3. And television, of course. If you are seen frequently enough, you really don’t require any other attributes. The next parliament is likely to be the most photogenic one in India’s history. Packed with movie stars, models, tv presenters, anchors, reality show judges , lawyers and other ‘been there, done that’ types one visually encounters on a daily basis. It’s a good time to be photogenic. And invest in Botox. Seriously. The scarey part comes in when criminals (official and non-official) get into Parliament. There are several from the current crop with criminal records. We also know many other M.P.s who are even bigger crooks.But there’s nothing on paper to nail them. The monies involved are staggering, and chances are the forthcoming fights will be fiercer than anything India has witnessed earlier. Political sleep- ins have become so shameless, that even the raunchiest madams in the world’s sleaziest brothels would blush at these strange, even perverse couplings. In Mumbai, the party has just begun. Assorted ‘concerned citizens’ are busy organizing wine and cheese evenings for their chosen candidates. Excuse me, is it a store opening? A fashion event? An art show? Same thing, yaar. Most of the questions raised are as faltu and fake as the candidates themselves. But that hardly matters. There is talk of Poonam Mahajan revving things up. Tomorrow, the other more notorious Mahajan (Rahul) may throw his hat into the ring , too. That should be fun. Surprise, surprise - Mumbai has suddenly discovered it’s a part of India, after all. It is most amusing to overhear earnest conversations about which ‘brother’ is backing which candidate. There are only two ‘Bothers’ in India, right? Overnight experts have sprung up, and all of them talk rubbish. People walk upto complete dolts to ask, “ So…. Which party do you think will win?” The dolts look extremely worried, as they pronounce their verdict - “ Mayawati is too corrupt. On the other hand, the others are no better. Everybody is corrupt. But we must not give up hope. This is the time for systemic change.” Yeah?? No kidding!Aaaaargh! Frankly, there should be a two party system in India - Bollywood and Cricketers. That will make life so much easier for voters. We are nearly there. We just need to go official with the agenda. Nobody wants to consider those thakela stalwarts, who look ready to shift to a better place in heaven, where they can finally rest their tired bones and give up the good fight. They’ve all had their innings…. done their bit…. served the country, but in significantly different ways than Nagma and her ilk. Bahut ho gaya. Atalji, Manmohanji, Advaniji, Pawarji – take five, you guys. We worry about those stents, the hardened arteries and twisted hernias. Why push it beyond nature’s kindness? Give the bachchas a chance. Because the folks we call ‘bachchas’ are well into their forties. Just like Barack Obama. And look where he is today. Do we really want our Young Turks to be seventy before we think they are old enough to run the show? Let’s face it, Omar may spend more time on the ski slopes in trendy gear than in addressing other issues in his beloved valley. Rahul Baba may decide to visit Dharavi and go for a ‘Slumdog…” photo –op with Jamal and Latika in tow. But at least these guys look good. Talk good. Like John Abraham or Ranbir Kapoor or Hritik Roshan. Do they know what’s going on?? As much as Uncleji or the next Johnny. Do they have bagmen to collect the loot on their behalf? Come on, they’ve learnt something from the oldie goldies, surely. Are they capable of converting India into a land of milk and honey?? Is India safe in their hands? Arrey baba, don’t make me laugh.India has been on auto pilot for years. God knows who’s in charge, who calls the shots, and how we’ve survived. I believe in karma. So must we all – that’s all we’ve got!! Jai Ho!! Jai Hind!

these elections and government thing is just like another season of 5 years old reality show..its same....we vote for those tv shows' participents and here too, only we PEOPLE vote these MPs to power...& finally after 5 years another season will start...

hey shobhaa....u not interested to be part of this season....??at least, i m sure this whole blog community will surely vote you to top notch MP title....

I don't know about Cricketers, but the bhais and dons should definitely be a legit part of the election system. After all, what's politics without "ek phone call lagaega na..."

Even with the golden oldies(or even the silver and platinum ones) seemingly running out of steam but still struggling to keep up the pace, the NextGen of politics has barely raised it's hood without a gigantic push from daddy dearest. And for those that HAVE come up independently, well, few have generated as much action as Raj T. and look where that has got him.

I can't say what we need, rather what our nation needs at this moment, and personally, it has hardly ever mattered, coz as you've so well put it,"India has been on auto pilot for years. God knows who’s in charge, who calls the shots, and how we’ve survived. I believe in karma. So must we all – that’s all we’ve got!!"

God, what do u do in a country where even votes are bought? What's the point of voting. Yes, yes they say you should. But the situation is pretty hopeless. By the time our many villages wake up and smell the shit, it will be too late. Our elections are a joke.

By the way, they bought the rights for Jai Ho, ok, but they've MESSED the track UP.It was like they didn't have any money left (after buying the rights) for a proper recording. If Rahman heard it, he'd wince.

Hi,Mayawati and her hand bags. Heard about her birthday parties? She is in her early thirties. The most desired woman in UP. She must make a good prime minister. She can make the world give in that the Indians do have a sense of humour after all.

Bollywood vs cricket, sounds like a plan! God it might come to that. Maybe a reality tv show on the elections call it "Fear Factor"?? Naaah! More like "Temporary Insanity" or more like "a Complete Lapse of Reason". Any suggestions?

Shobha's columns and the feedback on this article exposes the Ignorance about so CALLED EDUCATED INDIANS..

Not a single one of you understands how power works else you would not be looking as jokers in these political columns...

Just a small crash course...

1) The loosers who are trying to get elected are by definition corrupt. But its not people but the positions they occupy are corrupt (1 PM from 1 billion, 'Don't kid with me if you say that only one is qualified).

2) INDIAN DEMOCRACY IS EXECUTED IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CALLED AS "HINGLISH". One cannot provide LEGAL JUSTICE in a foreign language.. Else you get this hojpoj and Chaos.

3) Finally People who get elected DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO DO ONCE THEY ARE ELECTED..

A Corollary: Govinda and Dharmendra appear unlikely to win, were they to contest again from their respective constituencies in Bombay and Bikaner.

As for the money spent, think of it as redistribution of wealth. Out of the ten thousand crores that is expected to be spent, the portion comprised of black-money might not otherwise have reached the workers and entrepreneurs that it is likely to reach now.

Respected Shobhaa Madam, The article written here is 100% true. I like your articles written on these Corrupt and self serving Politicians. Please keep it continued, frequently. India is on Auto Pilot... once a German had visited India. Seeing the streets, the people, the system, the chaos etc. and the Country moving on, he started to believe that GOD exists. God help INDIA.

India has indeed been on auto pilot for a long time. I guess this superfluous spending on glamourising something that actually is quite stark is how India knows how to get by, as it is esssentially practised in every facet.

I dont agree with your two party system. 3 things India and indians cant let go is Crickters, Movie stars and politicians. So by leaving politicians, who are even bigger a starts than movie stars, life becomes a tad too dull.

Though i did not agree with your comments during the Mumbai blasts...i shall take it as differing opinion. But it is sad to see educated, articulate personalities like you making irresponsible statements.

"God is in charge, he calls the shots and it is bcz of him that those who r alive,have survived"ab God hi malik hai is india. i have come to believe that anything is possible in india.i will not be surprised if tommorow they will make an idol the PM as humans seem to strain their brains out for the problem of who will become the next PM.but who needs a one when the threads to their actions lie somewhere inside the cholis and loins of real powersSW

Bang on.......u nailed it in the coffin dear....agree with every word written down thr.......we are living off good karma of a hypocrite society.

Nation serving is all about the money honey........come to think of it lets make corrution kind of a legel deal.......but at least tell this white kurta clan to produce sum dividents on the ground for us.

Eat howm much moolha u can but atleast have the cheek to deliver and make us from slumdogs to humans. JAI HO!!!!!!!11

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