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Monday, June 20, 2011

as a kid you don't think about that too often. you don't seem to want to stop growing. maybe because it's evolutionarily beneficial to want to grow until you're big and strong and then stop wanting it so you can understand the concept of aging.

I'm not sure where i'm going with this. really.

just that when i woke up this morning, and i was driving to work with the sun already rising, i couldn't stop thinking that i feel really old for nineteen. i've made myself do things i was scared of and i've done a couple things i regret. i've been the happiest i've ever been in my life, and also the saddest. i've touched people's lives and found inspiration where i couldn't have predicted. i rebelled and rebelled and did all the things that everyone said i couldn't. i've had my heart broken too many times and i've fallen in love with the my soulmate.

and this whole journey i've been running and running and just so sure of myself. i've been so confident that growing up was exactly what i wanted. and really, it was. i wouldn't trade under six hours of sleep every night my senior year or paying for my own college tuition/car/gas/insurance/cheer nationals/etc. or starving and driving around getting lost freshmen year for anything. except one thing, i guess- jeremy ray. and i guess i did.

i just never thought that i'd be here. stopped abruptly, and looking back.

a confession:
it's a cheerless sensation to say goodbye to the closest thing to your soul at five in the morning and not see him for twelve hours. it's a different life when you're no longer always texting, even when you're apart.

but i do love the homemade meals and doing the dishes together. and all the excitement of our own little place. and of course some things never change- the look on his face when our eyes meet. or the feeling of being in his arms. or on and on.

sometimes. sometimes i just wish we could go back. just a little. and erase the jobs. erase the responsibility. and...
and then i see how senseless i'm being.

i'm pretty much admitting to blogspot that i'm terrified of growing up. i think i just need to stop running for a while. slow down. in fact, maybe i'll sit and rest a little. because sometimes i feel like i can't handle a lot of things. and it could be that i probably have a little above average stress than most people.

i've been praying a lot lately.

i guess i'm lucky to say that at the end of the day i still have someone who loves me, who supports my decisions, who adores me and wants to make me happy. at the end of the day, jeremy ray will still slow down and be there to rest with me.

he always tells me that i can take a break. and i think i'm ready to believe him.