Secret underground Sudanese gangs consider going public

After being outed by many conservative writers, leaders of the hugely secret Sudanese gang community in Melbourne are considering making their existence known to the public.

The literally hundreds of thousands of Sudanese gang members have been operating in secret for years, so secretly that the statistics say they don’t even exist at all.

In recent weeks, sources including the Coalition government have exposed the existence of the gangs, talking about a crime wave that until now has been totally ignored, mainly because it was thought to not be a thing.

“The key to being a successful Sudanese gang is to not organise, not meet, not hunt in packs and not commit any crimes at all,” one gang member told me. “Then people will think you’re not even real.”

“Unfortunately Malcolm Turnbull is threatening to expose the entire non-operation.”

Experts in crime nationwide have welcomed this new slant on what has previously been called “the truth”.

“We can finally put aside the crime statistics and consider new evidence like NewsCorp editorials,’ said one criminologist from ANU.

The government have rejected claims that they are exaggerating the gang violence to appear tougher on crime in the lead up to key by-elections.

“We are terrified to go out to dinner in Melbourne,” said Peter Dutton. “For example whenever people see me in public they get furious and attack.”