If Sharks Were People

“If sharks were people,” Mr K. was asked by his landlady’s little girl, “would they be nicer to the little fishes?”

“If sharks were people,” Mr K. was asked by his
landlady’s little girl, “would they be nicer to the little fishes?”

“Certainly,” he said. “If sharks were people, they would build enormous boxes
in the ocean for the little fish, with all kinds of food inside, both vegetable
and animal. They would take care that the boxes always had fresh water, and in
general they would make all kinds of sanitary arrangements. If, for example, a little
fish were to injure a fin, it would immediately be bandaged, so that it would
not die and be lost to the sharks before its time. So that the little fish
would not become melancholy, there would be big water festivals from time to
time; because cheerful fish taste better than melancholy ones.

“There would, of course, also be schools in the big boxes. In these schools the
little fish would learn how to swim into the sharks’ jaws. They would need to
know geography, for example, so that they could find the big sharks, who lie
idly around somewhere. The principal subject would, of course, be the moral
education of the little fish. They would be taught that it would be the best
and most beautiful thing in the world if a little fish sacrificed itself cheerfully
and that they all had to believe the sharks, especially when the latter said
they were providing for a beautiful future. The little fish would be taught
that this future is assured only if they learned obedience. The little fish had
to beware of all base, materialist, egotistical and Marxist tendencies, and if
one of their number betrayed such tendencies they would have to report it to
the sharks immediately.

“If sharks were people, they would, of course, also wage wars against one
another, in order to conquer other fish boxes and other little fish. The wars
would be waged by their own little fish. They would teach their little fish
that there was an enormous difference between themselves and the little fish
belonging to the other sharks. Little fish, they would announce, are well known
to be dumb, but they are silent in quite different languages and hence cannot
possibly understand one another. Each little fish that killed a couple of other
little fish in a war, enemy fishes, silent in their own language, would have a
little medal made of seaweed pinned to it and be awarded the title of Hero.

“If sharks were people, there would, of course, also be art. There would be
beautiful pictures, in which the sharks’ teeth would be portrayed in
magnificent colours and their jaws as pure pleasure gardens, in which one could
romp about splendidly. The theatres at the bottom of the sea would show heroic
little fish swimming enthusiastically into the jaws of sharks, and the music
would be so beautiful that to the accompaniment of its sounds, the orchestra
leading the way, the little fish would stream dreamily into the sharks’ jaws,
lulled by the most agreeable thoughts.

“There would also be a religion, if sharks were people. It would teach that
little fish only really begin to live properly in the sharks’ stomachs.

“Furthermore, if sharks were people little fish would no longer be equal, as is
the case now. Some would be given important offices and be placed above the
others. Those who were a little bigger would even be allowed to eat up the
smaller ones. That would be altogether agreeable for the sharks, since they
themselves would more often get bigger bites to eat. And the bigger little
fish, occupying their posts, would ensure order among the little fish, becoming
teachers, officers, engineers in fish box construction, etc.

“In short, the sea would only begin to be civilized if sharks were people.”