Wednesday, September 14, 2011

What do you think was a more disappointing third work, Weezer's Green Album or Terminator: Rise of the Machines?

An imagined conversation between myself and a mysterious stranger. The date is Monday, May 14, 2001. Young Josh is approached by a shadowy figure, emerging from the mist. Also, Young Josh lives near mist, I guess.

Young Josh: Whoa!

Stranger: Hello.

Young Josh: Wh-who are you?

Stranger: That's not important right now. I need to warn you about something.

Young Josh: This is too weird.

Stranger: I know, it's a lot to handle right now, and it's about to get weirder. I don't have much time. The portal will be closing soon. Listen to me. This is so important. Weezer-

Young Josh: I love Weezer! Their new album comes out tomorrow and I can't wait. I'm gonna head down to Newbury Comics right as they open to buy it.

Stranger: Listen, Weezer fucking sucks.

Young Josh: Yeah right, their first two albums are awesome, and they've had so long to make this one, it must be good. Are you one of those assholes who doesn't like Pinkerton? That album is so underrated. I think it's better than the Blue Album.

Stranger: No, it's not that. Those albums used to be good.

Young Josh: They're still good.

Stranger: They won't be tomorrow.

Young Josh: What do you mean? Is the Green Album going to be so much better that it blows the first two out of the water? Because that's secretly what I've been hoping for, but I didn't want to jinx it.

Stranger: Not exactly. The Green Album is terrible. Like, really bad.

Young Josh: Yeah right.

Stranger: I'm telling you right now to not buy the album tomorrow. It's going to ruin Weezer for you forever. You're going to stop liking them as soon as you hear this record.

Young Josh: No, that's impossible! How do you know, did you get an advance copy or something? No. This album can't suck. It just can't.

The Stranger steps forward. It appears to be Young Josh, but without any joy in his heart. Even less than before, and there wasn't much. He had a pretty terrible time growing up, which is probably why he liked Weezer in the first place.

Young Josh: You-you can't be!

Old Josh: I'm you. From the future.

Young Josh: But, but, you look just like me! I aged well. Or poorly, I guess. I'm not very attractive, if that's what I look like.

Old Josh: It's true. I'm you from Wednesday, May 16, 2001.

Young Josh: That's... two days from now. But you look so sad.

Old Josh: Exactly. I'm you after listening to the new Weezer album. It's that bad.

Young Josh: No way.

Old Josh: Believe it. The album is so bad that it made me – by which I mean you - hate pretty much every other Weezer song. Especially the Blue Album. It's terrible.

Young Josh: I can't believe it. After Pinkerton? That album is a masterpiece!

Old Josh: I know! Pinkerton kicks so much ass, it's amazing. It's such a beautiful, heartfelt album. There's nothing like that on the Green Album.

Young Josh: Come on, some of the songs must be good, right? Some of them?

Old Josh: Yeah, I guess so. Island in the Sun, Crab and Photograph are really great pop songs, but nothing with any kind of musicianship. Something happened to this band, and I think they sold out.

Young Josh: That's so sad.

Old Josh: I know. And it's barely 28 minutes long. You're going to feel so ripped off. Just skip it altogether.

Old Josh: I thought so, but it seems that I'm still here. What happened?

Suddenly another figure emerges from the portal. Did I mention there was a portal? That's how you go back through time, right? Anyhow, another figure! How exciting. Let's find out what he – OR SHE – has to say.

New Stranger: Bad news, buddy. You're not going anywhere.

Young Josh: You're-

Old Josh: It can't be!

Even Older Josh: I'm you, but from Tuesday, September 13, 2011. A few things. Weezer got progressively worse and worse, with more of their songs being two-and-a-half minute shitfests consisting of a hook and a talkbox solo, like they're fucking Zapp or something. They've released a new album every 18 or so months for the past decade, and they've poisoned their legacy. It used to be secretly cool to like Weezer, now it's unsecretly lame.

Both Younger Joshes: Fuck, really? Also, who is Zapp?

Even Older Josh: They did that song More Bounce to the Ounce, and yeah, really. Also, I couldn't help but overhear Wednesday Josh telling Monday Josh that the Blue Album sucks and Pinkerton is a masterpiece. Turns out we've been wrong for a decade now. The Blue Album is vastly superior. Pinkerton is lyrically creepy at every turn. Across the Sea is the very true story of Rivers Cuomo lusting after an underage Japanese girl. Butterfly is just about as precious as precious can be. It's terrible. Believe it or not, songs about adolescent sexual frustration don't hold up once you start getting laid regularly. Even the Blue Album has some songs about weird sexual possession. It's icky.

Old Josh: That sucks, but why do I still exist? I warned Monday Josh about what would happen to him, so I should disappear into the ether.

Even Older Josh: I hate to say it buddy, but you can't escape this album. You're going to spend the next year or so trying to convince yourself that you like this album. Oh, and those songs you thought you liked? They're bad. You'll find out soon enough.

Old Josh: Sheesh. Do you have any good news for me, at least? Does Rivers Cuomo at least get eaten by a bear at any point?

Even Older Josh: Nope. Oh, and here's a message from Josh from Monday, July 22, 2002. Avoid going to the Weezer concert in Mansfield. The show wasn't that good, and none of the girls you went with ended up going out with you. They all just liked you because you owned a car big enough to drive all of them to the show. They're going to end up leaving with some guy they met at the concert. You'll end up driving your smelliest friend – who you don't actually like – home, and your car will overheat in the parking lot.