Posts Tagged ‘News’

This building in Washington DC is close to the Verizon Center, site of last night’s boxing match.

WASHINGTON DC – In a high-profile dust-up at the Verizon Center last night, light-heavyweight boxer Hank “Bone Crusher” Romney beat the formerly undefeated Shamus “The Irish Hammer” Obama, scoring a TKO in the sixth round of a scheduled ten-round fight. Referee Jimmy Lehrer stopped the fight after Obama was knocked down twice within the first 30 seconds of the round.

Despite protestations from Obama’s trainer, Billy “Elvis” Clinton, Lehrer waved his arms to signal the end of the bout when Obama seemed too dazed to continue. The loss drops Obama’s record to 14-1, while Romney improved to 16-3. There is no word on who Romney plans to fight next.

Of his victory, the exuberant boxer said, “It’s ludicrous!”

In unrelated political news, Democrat Barack Obama was re-elected President of the United States, defeating his Republican rival Mitt Romney after a tight race.

This map of Cleveland shows six concentric circles, which the city’s mayor wants to reduce to a more manageable three by 2016.

CLEVELAND – With the east coast still in the grips of an 800-mile-wide Frankenstorm, our nation was dealt a further blow tonight when Cleveland, Ohio suffered a Dracuquake measuring 7.5 on the Richter scale. The extent of the damage is not yet known, but authorities are hoping the quake will be killed when the sun rises tomorrow morning.

At a televised press conference that concluded a short time ago, Cleveland mayor Jonathan Harker implored residents to stay out of damaged buildings and to wait calmly for Red Cross personnel to deliver “food, blankets, water, and garlic.”

It is not known what effect a red cross with arms of equal length will have on the Dracuquake.

Harker also advised Clevelanders to tune into The Weather Channel for further updates. “I know this is more of a geological event than a metrological one,” the mayor said, “but I get kickbacks every time I mention them and need money for attack ads.”

“A Dracuquake is too weather,” she said. “If it happens outside, it’s weather. Well, a football game isn’t weather I suppose, but we’re not a sports channel, so I can’t comment on that.”

When asked for a response both to the mayor’s comments and Drench’s subsequent response, meteorologist and frequent Anvil contributor Pinky Middleton said he didn’t know why those who study weather are called meteorologists.

“I got into this [expletive deleted] to look at space rocks,” he explained. “Excuse me for using logic. I guess I should have signed up for ‘cloudology.’ I’d probably be on my way to the asteroid belt right now with a fat NASA paycheck, a badass spacesuit, and more chicks than I can handle.”

Middleton did warn east coasters to be on the lookout for Were-nados, which are often spawned by Frankenstorms.

“Those things can get pretty hairy,” he said.

In other natural disaster-related news, scientists in Washington State are currently monitoring seismic activity at Mount St. Helens, site of a massive explosion in 1980 that destroyed hundreds of homes and leveled miles of forest. No one from the Weather Channel was willing to comment, but sources say experts fear a Creature From the Black Lagooncanic eruption on the magnitude of the Mount Pinatubo blast that rocked the Philippines in 1991.

EVERYWHERE – News organizations around the world were left scrambling for a headline yesterday when nothing happened. It is believed to be the first event-free day since March 13th, 1845, when James Polk was president and the 51st anniversary of the cotton gin was still 24 hours away.

White House insiders speaking on condition of anonymity revealed that President Obama participated in a series of mundane meetings throughout the day, further frustrating online news editors desperate for scandal-driven clicks.

“My editor wanted me to write an article called ‘Humans continue to breath recycled air, despite the dangers,’ or one called ‘Sun STILL refuses to come out at night,’ which were bloody stupid ideas,” says militant fake news journalist Angry Pink Bunny. “I was going to stab him in the neck with an ice pick, you know, for something to write about, but he was at lunch.”

Not everyone agrees that yesterday was lacking in newsworthiness. Pinky Middleton, former president of the now-defunct Hair Club for Snakes, says, “The fact that nothing happened is something. It’s a philosophy thing. That’s like saying outer space is empty. No, it’s full of space.”

NASA spokesperson Jane Whatnow challenges Middleton’s assertion by claiming that the agency “looked at outer space with a really expensive telescope and found out that it’s actually full of Leprechaun cars.”

She cites the dearth of such vehicles on Earth as further evidence that space is not empty. “All those little greens cars went somewhere. Logic much?”

With the idiotic ramblings of a hairy-snake fetishist considered by many to be unworthy of quotation in a news article, it seems as if journalists will have to wait until tomorrow for a printable story. That’s when Elvis Presley is scheduled to descend from the heavens in a flaming gold space chariot and end all war, disease, famine, and mosquito bites for the next 5000 years. He will also be announcing the release of yet another greatest hits album with the same songs that are on all the others.

The Second Coming of Elvis or 5000-Year Reign of Terror? Find out tomorrow.

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Dearest darling Anvil readers.

Please check out my new Pure Film Creative post where I obsess about DEATH,

continue to dazzle you with my knowledge of art,

and prattle on about the usual stuff: Lindsay Lohan, zombies, and attemtped murder

PRINCETON – Researchers at Princeton University say they have found conclusive evidence linking violent video games to violent behavior in those who pay them, citing the recent spate of unsolved zombie killings as well as the large number of game controllers showing signs of domestic abuse.

Popular games such as Resident Evil and House of the Dead: Overkill, which require users to kill the undead in inhumane ways, lead players to devalue unlife in the real world, says head researcher Herbert West.

“We’ve seen a dramatic rise in the number of zombie killings nationwide, many of which are clearly copycatting methods designed by Nintendo and PlayStation in their violent games,” West explains. “It’s reminiscent of the space invader shootings back in the early 80s.”

Readers may recall that a group of alien invaders sued video-game maker Atari in 1989 after hundreds of extraterrestrials were killed by armed children shooting straight up into the air. The case was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.

West also says discarded game-system controllers often show signs of having been squeezed, shaken, and tilted sideways.

“Tilting an X-box controller does not improve shooting accuracy,” says West. “This leads us to the irrevocable conclusion that these objects were subjected to player rage.”

West adds, “A dead controller can’t talk, but, through science, we can bring its killer to justice.”

A spokesperson for Microsoft, which produces the X-box 360 console, was unavailable for comment, as she was in the midst of a 27-hour Bodycount marathon and was too dehydrated to speak.

The Princeton researchers’ findings are not the only evidence of violent video games inspiring real-life violence. The recent raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan turned up videotapes of Bin Laden himself playing Spyro the Dragon on the original PlayStation system, a hard-to-dispute link between fictional magic crystals and the masterminding of worldwide terrorist networks.

Josef Stalin, one of history’s most brutal dictators, was said to be addicted to the game Pong, which involves the relentless beating of a fat, unarmed pixel for hours on end. Politicians are also known to play Pong when learning how to deflect questions from reporters.

Pro-zombie activists planned to hold a rally in Washington DC today to demand lawmakers pass a bill that requires background checks and a mandatory 5-day waiting period for the purchase of zombie-killing games, but they were attacked and eaten by zombies.

Two of the 20th century's most beloved product icons, The Kool-Aid Man and Peppy McDeath, are working together again

WASHINGTON DC – At a Glenn Beck rally held in Washington DC yesterday, event organizers were embarrassed when it was discovered there was not enough cyanide to go around. Approximately half of the 50,000 people in attendance had to drink straight Kool-Aid and didn’t die.

Beck, host of a popular Fox News television show and author of several books someone else actually wrote*, was in town to commemorate the thirty-first-and-three-quarters-of-a-year anniversary of the Jonestown Massacre, which took place in Guyana in 1978 and claimed the lives of over 900 Americans. Earlier in the week, Beck had vowed to “take back mass-suicide cultism from South America.”

Several survivors of yesterday’s rally left disappointed.

“He [Beck] told us the only way to make America good again was to swallow the little orange pill,” said attendee Pinky Middleton, 28, of Misdirected Anger, Indiana. “He said spaceships would come down and take President Obama back to Ceti Alpha Five. I didn’t get no pill, and I didn’t see no spaceships.”

It could not be independently confirmed if spaceships came for the President after the mass suicide took place.

Beck was unavailable for comment, but his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer, told The Anvil via telephone this morning, “There was, like, a problem with the metric system? So, like, we had twice a much cups of Kool-Aid?”

She also said, “This is why Mr. Beck thinks the metric system is un-American, because, like, they use different number systems there. President Obama wants to socialize number systems, which we need to not allow, moreover.”

The White House was busy setting up its ObamaCam second-by-second vacation-activity media tracker and would not respond to Ditzmeyer’s comments. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was only willing to say, “Not now. The President is eating a bowl of Cheerios and I need to write a press release about it.”

Sarah Palin, the keynote speaker at Beck’s rally and also a fake author****, defended event organizers responsible for the cyanide shortage while managing to take a shot at the President at the same time.

“People… real people like you and me… we like Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid is good enough for us,” she said. “Unlike our elitist, out-of-touch President who eats cereal shaped like the first letter of his last name. Nope. Kool-Aid is for honest, hard-working Americans, like those that came to see me speak.”

The fruity beverage, which event organizers were selling for $20 a cup, is noted for its effectiveness in dissolving poison capsules, thus making it the world’s most popular powdered drink at mass-suicide events. A representative for the manufacturer claims that the company shipped over 100,000 packets to Beck’s rally and always welcomes the free publicity that accompanies a lurid news story involving its product.

In business news, television host Glenn Beck reportedly purchased stock in Kool-Aid Incorporated last week, just before a massive order was shipped to his rally in downtown Washington, DC.

“People are, like, complaining that 25,000 attendees only got straight Kool-Aid with no cyanide,” says his spokeswoman, Brandi Ditzmeyer. “But, you know, 25,000 others did get cyanide. I wonder why you’re not asking them if they are satisfied. Is it because of left-wing media bias? I think it is.”

In employment news, the city of Washington in the District of Columbia is looking to hire one-thousand corpse haulers, on a temporary basis. Carts will be supplied.

________________________________

*possibly, maybe**

** I don’t want to get sued for libel***

***Come on. Like he actually sat down for a year and typed out multiple drafts of a novel without any formal training as a writer. Give me a f—ing break. That’s insulting to anyone who writes.

**** Seriously. How can someone who writes reminders on her freaking hand possibly author a book?*****

*****Just kidding, Sarah darling. You know I love you. Pssst. Call me next time Todd is away at some secessionist meeting.

This is the only image we can show you from the tape, due to its racy content

By Eric J Baker

VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA – International whistleblowing organization WikiLeaks, which recently made headlines by posting top-secret Pentagon papers relating to the war in Afghanistan on its website, is set to raise the stakes again in its often contentious relationship with the US Government by releasing a controversial sex tape to the public.

WikiLeaks founder Helmut Kaiser (who declined to be interviewed for this story) claimed on his organization’s Web site yesterday that the tape, purportedly featuring President Obama, retired General Stanley McChrystal, and former Vice President Dick Cheney in an illicit encounter, will prove that, “the new boss is the same as the old boss.”

The Anvil was able to obtain a copy of the tape, which, upon being viewed, revealed itself to be shaky, grainy, and not the least bit hot. Following one sequence at approximately the 12-minute mark, viewers may be reminded of Dick Cheney’s hunting accident in 2006, when the Vice President fired his weapon into the face of attorney Harry Whittington.

Poor photography aside, the tape raises surprising questions about political relationships, behind-the-scenes war planning, and Brazilian waxing for men.

“I thought Obama was a socialist, despite actions that are a virtually the same as those of George W Bush,” said popular Fox News television personality and conservative Sean Hannity. “This Dick Cheney connection has made me rethink my belief system. Because, you know, I’m a thinker.”

Rival news pundit Rachel Maddow of MSNBC said of the tape’s existence, “Ew.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denied last night that it was President Obama on the tape, claiming instead “it’s that guy from the ‘Whoomp, there it is’ video.”

A WikiLeaks employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the uncensored sex tape will be posted online by tomorrow night. The worker also said viewers should watch to the end, despite the stomach-churning images, when it is revealed that General McChrystal was asked to step down as Commander of US and NATO forces in Afghanistan not for publicly criticizing the Obama administration, as was reported, but because he’s “nothin’ but a playa.”

This, according to the words of Dick Cheney, says the anonymous employee.

WikiLeaks, founded in 2006, professes to stand for public access to information, journalistic integrity, freedom of speech, and the joy of pissing people off. The Anvil has frequently been cited by the organization as the benchmark in fair, unbiased, and open fake news, particularly for our hard-hitting coverage of the Lindsay Lohan saga.

As Wiki’s main man himself, Helmut Kaiser, famously said in 2008, “Everything they say is completely fabricated, but, if it weren’t, it would be the place to go for truth and accuracy in reporting. The Anvil never makes the story about them, like some news journals do, and they don’t allow praise or favoritism to influence their total integrity.”

SALEM, MASS – With all the controversy surrounding the proposed “Burnt Stake Church” that is to be built on the site of the infamous Salem Witch Trial executions of the 17th century, beleaguered Christians are finding support from a surprising source: The Wicked Witch of the East.

The Wicked Witch shocked Wiccans across the country Monday when she told CNN’s Larry King, “Christians have a right to worship there. Look, a bunch of witches were burned 400 years ago by some extremists who had more political than religious motivation for doing so. Those actions don’t represent the views of today’s moderate Christians.”

We caught up with the Wicked Witch of the East today and asked her to shed some smoke on her controversial comments [this interview was conducted by crystal ball]:

The Anvil: Can you explain your comments from last night’s Larry King Live broadcast? A lot of Wiccans are angry with you today.

WWOTE: There’s a big shift toward conservatism in witchery these days, unfortunately. I think it’s a reaction to the Blair Witch Project and Charmed. Some witches want to get back to putting curses on firstborns and cooking children. But times have changed. Wiccans and Christians have been tolerating each other for years. Move on, people.

The Anvil: But you, yourself, as recently as 100 years ago, were demanding dwarf sacrifices and calling for, I quote, “the powers of wind and fire to roast the city of Salem, including its people, and its little dogs, too, after which the greatest Wiccan temple will be constructed upon the scorched bones of the dead.”

WWOTE: I said that? I guess I’ve mellowed over the years. Once, some chick’s house landed on me – just fell right out of the friggin’ sky – and almost crushed me. I kid you not. A near-death experience like that changes your perspective.

The Anvil: What does your sister, The Wicked Witch of the West, say about all this controversy?

WWOTE: Well I’m not a surveillance camera, so how should I know?

The Anvil: You don’t keep in contact with her?

WWOTE: She’s in a perpetual state of war against Oz. Her castle’s economy hinges on it. But everybody knows you can’t conquer OZ. You can occupy it for a little while, but you’ll never conquer it. Of course, all they have to do is throw water on us and we’re pretty much done.

The Anvil: She harbors no ill will toward Christians?

WWOTE: She doesn’t give a crap. She’s been trying to capture the Wizard for years. Supposedly he’s hiding out in the mountains behind Oz, but who can say? So why are you so obsessed with Christians? Is this a religious Web site?

The Anvil: This is a secular news journal

WWOTE: Secular? What’s that? Vampires?

The Anvil: Have you heard what Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, thinks of the Salem church controversy? She’s good, but can she be so good as to not be angry that witches were burned at the stake? It could have been her.

WWOTE: Glinda? She’s a c***.

The Anvil: Ouch. You are a witch.

WWOTE: You had doubts?

The Anvil: I have to admit, you haven’t done anything too magical since we’ve been talking.

This man was disfigured by a back-alley horn job. He also keeps his cat in a silver spacesuit, which is odd.

PAMPLONA, SPAIN – Calls to plastic surgeons and body-modification specialists are surging all across Spain this week as fed-up humans seek to even the score against bulls for the vicious gorings that have claimed several lives recently.

Bull attacks traditionally spike this time of year in Spain, an anomaly law-enforcement experts are at a loss to explain. Since the bovine creatures sport a deadly rack of horns on their heads, the victims are often left dead or maimed.

If Spaniards have their way, the tables may soon be turned. Thousands of young adults say they plan to have synthetic horn racks mounted on their heads in the coming months. It’s not a new procedure, but doctors say they haven’t seen this volume of people electing to go under the knife (and drill, in this case) for any other type of surgery.

“I can’t keep the racks in stock,” says Dr. Esmeralda Villalobos, while her team of nurses and assistants preps yet another patient. “This one here is a popular model.”

She points to the prosthetic device sitting on the surgical table, waiting for its new owner. The white PVC poly-resin horn rack weighs only four pounds but is hard enough to withstand the force of a hydraulic press.

The patient, art history student Diego Velazquez, seems eager.

“Watch out, bulls,” he says, patting his shaved forehead. “Diego is coming to collect a debt.”

But not right away. The procedure requires the cutting away of sections of skull to create slots into which the rack (pre-molded to fit the patient’s head) is inserted. The rack is then secured with titanium screws, and the patient’s skin, muscle, and tendons are configured to grow around the base of the horns. Recovery is said to take several weeks and can be an extremely painful process. A small percentage of those who have had the procedure performed experience painful headaches that never go away.

“A lot of people think it’s worth the risk,” explains Dr. Villalobos. “Bulls suddenly aren’t so tough when they get a look at one of these rigs.”

But is that true?

Frank Ungulate, a former member of a bull gang who now advises law enforcement on bull-gang activity, says no.

“Those kids are nuts and the so-called doctors who disserve them should be arrested,” he says. “Trust me; a thousand-pound bull with a six-foot horn span isn’t going to be intimidated by some scrawny 19-year-old human with plastic twigs attached to his flimsy skull. This is only going to escalate the violence.”

A bull gangster who would only identify himself as Taury and claims to be a member of the notorious gang, The Horn Section, told the Anvil, “Them skinny human dudes is in for a rude awakening. They been trying this [expletive] for years. Man, I’m gonna gore me the next skinny dude I see with fake horns.”

Indeed, people have been getting horns installed for decades, but the procedure only became legal three years ago. Prior to the law being passed, those who wanted a rack had to visit a back-alley practitioner, often receiving a set made of wood or particle board and frequently ending up with disfiguring scars and potentially deadly infections.

Daninsky reveals the red, swollen flesh around the horn’s mounting point. His skull is uneven in places.

“They used nails. Hammered ‘em right into my skull,” he says. “Well, the good news is, I’m really good at math now. I’m going to help NASA plan the trajectory for the probe they’re sending to Europa.”

Because the horns damaged his eyesight and obscure objects around him, Daninsky often trips or bumps into things. During our interview, he stepped in a pile of manure left behind by a stampeding gang a short time earlier.

Tribal violence is on the rise in Afghanistan, as evidenced by this gruesome arial photo

NEW YORK – United Nation Secretary General Ban Ki Moon held a press conference yesterday afternoon, telling reporters, “It’s come to our attention recently that violent things have been happening in Afghanistan. After a lengthy investigation, if it’s determined someone is at fault, the UN will issue a severe reprimand.”

The United Nations, a powerful organization made up of diplomats from various nations throughout the world, often wields its might in the form of reprimands, scoldings, and, in extreme cases, tongue lashings when dealing with rogue governments. Threats of all-out lecture have kept rabble-rousing nations like Iran and North Korea in line.

But Afghanistan may prove difficult to wrangle, if history is a guide. The land-locked, resource-poor country, with rock-strewn, sandy terrain not unlike that of Mars, has long been a target of conquest by the foolish and the insane, yet no invader has succeeded in taking control for long.

So what suddenly set off the UN’s Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT?

One reason for the rise in violence could be the tens of thousands of heavily armed foreign soldiers conducting a war in the country. The brand-new conflict, which began eight years ago, appears to have been ensnared like a lazy, overweight trout in the UN’s broad net of awareness.

“Nothing escapes [the UN’s] attention,” says Corporal Roger Cobb, an infantry soldier with the United States Army on his third tour of duty in Afghanistan. “We’ve been trying to keep this on the down-low.”

Some experts believe the military action is an indirect result of the international dirt shortage currently slowing hole-filling projects around the world.

“Afghanistan has huge tracts of dirt,” explains The Evil Rabbit, a professor of world affairs at England’s Oxford University. “But you can’t get to it because of all the internal fighting between dirt warlords. If you dig deep, no pun intended, you’ll find this conflict is financed by billionaire tycoons who have holes that need filling.”

NYU professor The Ear Kid refutes that claim, saying the war was caused by a simple zoning disagreement over the popular Tora Bora hotel resort and casino in the southeastern part of the country.

“Two towns want the tax revenue, so they fight,” says Kid. “Though I could be making that up. None of their documents is in English, and I don’t know anything about Afghanistan. I’m a drama teacher.”

Whatever the cause, the UN promises a swift action, possibly as early as 2035.

Important events in the Afghanistan War:

Terrorists from Saudi Arabia launch a devastating attack on US soil in September of 2001, prompting the UN to install the Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT

The US Government is friendly with the dictators who run Saudi Arabia, so they attack Afghanistan

Like millions of others, the Kraken has a hard time finding work these days. "The Gods must not be angry," it says.

MOUNT OLYMPUS – The king of the gods threw a temper tantrum yesterday, followed by a lightning bolt, striking a 62-foot-tall Jesus statue standing outside the Solid Rock church in Monroe, Ohio. The popular tourist attraction was destroyed.

Zeus was later quoted as saying, “I’ve been patiently overlooking these false idols for almost 1800 years, but come on. 62 feet high? That’s almost as tall as me.”

Indeed, the once-vengeful deity seldom targets statues of the popular biblical character and leaves most plastic dashboard figurines alone. In recent centuries, it seems the gods of Mount Olympus have taken a “live and let live” philosophy toward the foibles of earthbound mortals, in contrast with an earlier, more violent era, when whole cities often felt their wrath. The Kraken, the Titan of Mass Destruction most frequently deployed in the past, has not seen since action it was called upon to sink the ocean liner Titanic almost 100 years ago. In all likelihood, then, yesterday’s attack was an isolated incident.

“I hope they keep the statues in the basement until this whole thing blows over,” says Petralova Marquand, a congregant at Our Lady of the Pagan Resistance in Tampa, Florida. “I don’t want to get caught in the crossfire.”

Farzad Rahmadi, a Muslim from West Virginia, laughs about the statue’s destruction. “Now do you understand why we forbid likenesses of the prophet?”

But if Zeus was offended by the exaggerated proportions of the Monroe, Ohio Jesus, how does one explain the continued existence of the Christ the Redeemer statue standing atop Brazil’s Mount Corcovado, which overlooks Rio de Janeiro? At 130 feet high, it would have towered over the Ohio figure if the two were placed side by side.

Most theologians speculate the king of the gods, like all heterosexual men, has a fondness for Brazilian women, often appearing as a cloud of mist or falling star to seduce them.

“Destroying iconic statues with lightning bolts is not seen as conducive to romance,” says Johnny Acropolis, a pagan priest. “Once the mood has been wrecked, not even a god can get a woman to change her mind.”

Others believe the Rio Jesus bears an uncanny resemblance to Zeus’ favorite cousin, Roger, and, for that reason, he is loath to deliver iconoclastic justice.

What does the god himself say?

“Eh, I figured you were all sick of hearing about the oil spill and needed a laugh.”