Home Alone too Long with Your Pets? Sienna the Funny Pages.

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It's cool these days to name magazines after the persons who founded them: Rosie, Martha Stewart Living, O for Oprah, and Jane, which at first I thought was a list of military weaponry but instead is named after Jane Pratt, 39, who must be confident her life is pretty darn interesting. [Couldn't think of a topic this month, could you? - Ed.] Anther real hot magazine is Gene Simmons Tongue. I was tempted to start my own magazine called John Phillips Middle Finger, but I became distracted by a publication called Editor In Chief, which I was prevented from reading because there are so many secrets in there.

[Global warming is a good topic - Ed.]

So then I came across a periodical called Dwell. Here, finally, was news I could use, a magazine for guys whose cars still have distributors. But no, it was about dwellings - get it? - so I was wrong again.

[Rush recently referred to a Civic hybrid as a "Toyota." You annoyed? - Ed.]

So then I thought, If Rosie has Rosie, why not a mag called Lutz or Lido or even Carroll? Ford's Premier Automotive Group publishes its own magazine, called Premier. Well, that's what I think it's called. It's hard to tell. The title is down near where you'd expect to see a blurb warning of the deadly side effects of toothpaste whiteners. Personally, I'd have named it Reitzle, at least 'til he quit, although then it might be confused with German egg noodles, so I didn't say anything. [Rush said a 12-percent decrease in pollution was "nothing, not worth doing." Does that steam your beans? - Ed.]

So if a person can name a magazine after a body part he's fond of, then I've got some ideas of my own. [We don't need to hear every single one of them, okay? - Ed.]

For instance, let's say I'm Subaru. I publish a magazine for the U.S. Park Service called Forester, right? Or, you know, if I'm Toyota, it's Sequoia. But I'd definitely avoid calling it Blazer, because of associations with, you know, rangers who might be in the job-creation business.

There's an actual magazine called the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, which is missing the boat by not publishing a commemorative edition called Blackwood. Course, Lincoln might pitch a fit when it found out the whole issue was sponsored by Oldsmobile.

There could be a magazine called Evoq Cien: The Magazine of Words Americans Can't Pronounce, with special advertising supplements for the Murciélago and Merkur. [John: Free association is not a vital element within this publication - Ed.]

There's a magazine called She. All its models could have names like Leganza and Impreza and Laforza and Vitara and Elantra and Solara. But any models named Sable, Nubira, or Savana would have to be hustled off to the adults-only section, where you'd find the copies of new magazines like TT and Hummer. Isn't there already a men's magazine called Cavalier? What are you waiting for, bow-tie boys?

[There are 217.6 million vehicles in a country with 287.5 million inhabitants. You have nothing to say about that? - Ed.]

I think in the medical trades, you could get strong play with a monthly called AM General Hospital, especially if it was sold next to a new AMA journal called MDX & Lancer. There could be a magazine called X. Just, you know, X, because that's hip. It'd have nothing but features on the X-type, X5, XLR, XG350, XK8, Express, Excursion, Expedition, and Explorer. Except maybe all the extra-large stuff would spill into a Cadillac spinoff called EXT: A Celebration of the Heroically Hugest Things You've Ever Seen Since Your Family Visited Niagara Falls in 1968.

The Weekly Reader's annual "Learn to Spell" issue could be called Millenia Vue, with a special double-page spread of a Neon Expresso. There's a real magazine called Scottish Memories. Don't tell me Toyota hasn't thought of renaming it the Highlander? Town & Country has been around for years. Hello, Dieter? Mr. Minivan? Get a clue, dude.