KREMLIN, Moscow -- Russia’s star KGB Agent-in-chief, Vladimir Putin, will not tolerate that which he deems will undermine the “ramparts” of Russian decency. For on September 22, 2013, the latest attempt to hold a Straight Pride Parade in Moscow was over before it began.

Moscow police broke up a crowd of heterosexual Public Sex Orgy (PSO) activists preparing to copulate openly, arresting all 2.4 of them, of whom both were outside agitators from America. The two activists along with a pet monkey had gathered in front of Moscow State University in the southwestern part of the city to conduct a sexual orgy protest.

Putin did allow, however, an earlier rally in the center of Moscow to take place. This rally was made up of a large number of demonstrators from various Russian Orthodox Christian organizations who denounced public displays of sexuality of any sort, from dogs humping next to a fire hydrant all the way to human sexual acts, either heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual.

Moscow Mayor, Yuri Luzhkov, branded public sexual pride parades as “Orgasmic” and vowed that they would never be permitted in the capital. The Russian Orthodox Church has also vowed to block any attempt to hold a march in support of the right to public sexual orgies in Russia.

The mayor, reflecting Putin’s view on public orgies, was quoted by the Tass news agency as saying: “Sexual pride events degrade the moral fortifications of our society.”

Luzhkov promised to continue banning Straight Parades, declaring, “We will ban the propagation of the views of sexual exhibitionists because they are a major factor of the propagation of HIV and Cooties. Some foreign-brewed democrats may think that public sex fiends are the main indicator and symbol of democracy, but we will forbid further semenation of this long-banned practice.”

In keeping with the mayor’s ban a Russian straight couple were also denied permission to publicly copulate in Moscow on September 12, 2013. The authorities refused to issue the couple a public orgy license, saying that the Russian Family Code does not allow opposite or same sex couples to perform pornographic acts in the streets.

At a press conference held at the Kremlin, Putin was asked to comment on the remark by the Moscow mayor that Straight Pride parades were an “orgasmic act.” Putin answered with a simple, matter-of-fact response, which resulted in the packed Kremlin auditorium holding their breath, “Моё отношение к таким парадам, также как и к половым актам, совершённым публично - очень просто: это незаконно!”