The story that I heard today really disturbed me. I got a frantic call at 9 am this morning from someone I know very well. Tired, after a hectic weekend, I was in no mood to pick-up the call or talk to this person — however as goes my disposition, I picked up after two missed calls. This lady was calling me up to know what should she do with her twelve year old niece, studying in class -IXth? How should she counsel her? I was intrigued, asked her if there were those pre-teen age problems that many kids encounter these days involving friends, boys, and parents-children dynamics. She was confused and said I must hear the entire story before I can draw my conclusions. I am writing this article with her permission.

She told me that this young lady of twelve years has been harassing her eighty year old grandmother, to give her a complete control over her grandfather’s house and three bedrooms of that house. Not only that, she wants all the property like beds, chairs, sofas, and books, of her late grandfather removed from the rooms of the house and thrown out, because they are old and unnecessary. She wants the house arranged as per the tastes of her and her friends. Moreover, she has apparently threatened the old grandmother to throw her out of the house if she is not given her ‘share’. I just couldn’t believe my ears — how can a twelve-year old say something like that? It’s a joint family property, the lady informed me and they have a lot of emotional attachment to these properties as the last token of memory of their late father.

Sleep vanished and I replied “what!” How can such a small kid say these things? This is not possible — kids are completely beyond these adult skirmishes about properties and land. These are school-going children, how can they be a part of these unnecessary family quarrels.” I have briefly met this little girl before — she is a bright young lady, studying in a “good” school, getting fairly good grades. However, this came as a complete shock for me.

I hung-up and made enquiries from other family friends and they all confirmed the news. The old lady is petrified and she has been sent off to the home of some other relatives for a week or so. I called back my acquaintance and asked her that “how does this girl study? when does she get the time to study if she has been into threatening and fighting her own folks? are the parents instigating her?” My curiosity was regarding the education and the way all these internal family disputes existing in the crumbling joint family structures affect the studies and psyche of children. As far as I remember, our parents were extremely finicky about our education. They went to the extent of being over-protective when we were studying, such that internal family matters, were kept out of the ambit of all children. We were not even invited to sit in the drawing room when uncles, aunties, parents gathered. And here is a child who is threatening her grandparent for a ‘share’ in the property! Completely incomprehensible for me.

I got a strange and intriguing response. The lady told me “You see these are the new generation children. They are very planned and focused. They know very well that CBSE boards have been relaxed and with the new grading systems, every other person gets a First Division and in fact good grades. They are completely sure of the grades they want and the grades that they get. Moreover, they can threaten with suicides and other such steps in extreme cases, saying that studies are disturbing their mental balance. They do not aim for the best in higher studies — they know very well that a seat can be easily secured in the engineering colleges of their own locality, and after that a job in a company or a small startup is guaranteed. What else do they need? They just have to finish their school, engineering studies and go for a job. With a future as secured as that, what else do they need to do — spend time on Facebooking, talking for hours over mobile phone, or threatening grandparents to concede their properties. They are well-prepared for their future. They do not need parents to fight these battles — they can fight their own battle of inheritance.”

I am shocked to hear this interpretation. Grades, schooling, higher-studies — everything build us up, true, but I had sincerely not thought of the moral and ethical dimensions involved in them. It was shocking for me, because after years of higher-education, we are still unclear about our own future — how can these kids be so secured? If they are then I would call it a dangerous level of complacence and a dangerous trend for a still developing society.

A few years ago my cousin sister-in-law had visited me at the hostel at IIT with her two and half year old kid. We went to shop in a mall. This little child was so sure of what he wanted to wear that I was completely surprised. She could not buy a single dress that was not his choice — if she did, he shrieked at the top of his voice and ran away to hide in the trial room 🙂 . I was amused then, but later was scared of the coming generations. Children being completely isolated and purely independent at very early ages disturbs me. Many of our moms still buy our clothes and advise us what to wear and what not to, friends advise us what to choose, grandparents advise us what to think, dads tell us what investments to go for, we tell ourselves which advises to seek and which not to. It is a collective activity 😦 …..

I am not a sociologist or a psychologist to be able to comment on these changes in the society. I think from an idealistic perspective. Even though single, I am crazily fond of kids — have an idea that children can do or think no wrong and if they are, then it is we who are to be blamed. But, I am seriously rethinking our own stance as adults in the society. Are we into literacy rather than education? Education teaches you to be wise and sensible, but literacy teaches you only alphabet that can cater to your hunger, not your wisdom. What are we doing to our children? What are we preparing them for? The case of this little girl is not an isolated case — have been hearing similar cases for some years. I often ask my students in the class regarding what literary books have they read? They reply with none or one or two cursory readings. I find it truly dangerous — reading and reading beyond texts is important if we have to develop the ethical, moral and the ‘thinking’ side of individuals.

Agreed, that children should not be over-protected and nor should they be pampered — they should be given rights to voice their opinion. Agreed, that some grandparents are conservative to the extent of being over-interfering in the life of grand children. But, is it desirable that children should be allowed to talk about inheritance and property at such early stages? If I were a parent, I would be extremely strict about such issues being discussed by my child. It would be unacceptable.

I am confused and nervous about this parenting business. I have heard a statement that “men go for wives who they think can prove to be good mothers for their children”. I am rather unsure of the entire adult population now, men or women — you might call me old fashioned or conventional, but a generation that doesn’t care for its senior citizens will be insensitive towards a lot of other things in my opinion. You might agree or choose to disagree.

As a child I lived in a small industrial town located in some remote corner of Orissa. It was an unhappening place with people owning a lot of money and not enough avenues to spend or invest. The best use of their money was in market buying lot of jwelleries and dresses and small parties and long drives to Bhubaneswar (then the only “big town” of Orissa). I remember my parents’ had a deliberate disgust for this lifestyle of the industrial town. Mom stayed away from kitty parties (where women discuss each others’ sarees and husbands) , dad from gossiping-colleagues and flatter-in-need bosses and concentrated on their profession completely. We too were isolated from the general crowd of club-going, over-spoilt kids and were asked to stay at home, indulge in private fantasies, develop hobbies, spend time with a handful of relatives, but most importantly study…

Yes, the isolation that my family chose for itself literally made a self-centered, peevish, nerd out of me. But my parents were human too, they had one particular weakness…they entered into the “competition” of that small town through us. In short, their entire life was spent in proving to that community that their kids were better off in studies than others. Mom would spend hours with us, doing household chores, helping in homeworks, teaching me Indian history, asking Geography questions, hitting me when maths sums or chemical equations went wrong and giving a warm hug when I scored highest in some subjects. Dad would tip-toe into the house during exams, not disturbing our flow of question-answer schedules, open his files and sit quitely until we finished the revisions at nth point of night. Mom would not serve dinner to the entire family until we properly finished our studies. Sometimes at 1 am we would be served chilled upma, or cold chapatis and sabji and then we would be given a joy ride in the old Lambi (lambretta scooter) in order to relax after the taxing sessions. They hardly spent time talking to each other, their entire time went in making us “academically good” in that place, so much so that now when we have left the town they hardly have any topic to discuss between themselves.

But unfortunately, the competitions in those towns are fought on a different level. There is not only a war regarding “whose kid scores what percentage” but there’s also a war regarding “whose kid is in which engineering college/medical college just after 10+2” and then “whose daughter/son is married to which wonderful eligible single in town”. When I chose literature as majors after my second year, the entire community behaved as if they had won the competition. Some of my father’s colleagues came and told him sadly, “she was not that bad a student but poor girl she has ruined her life…sometimes parents should decide for their childrens’ welfare…you should have given a fat donation and put her into some Engineering college” . Then when I did well and chose research as my field, ladies came and sympathized with mom, “when girls are getting married she goes to do research…any break ups kya? how are you going to choose a “Suitable Boy” (remember Vikram Seth) for her…she will not come home to be seen by any grooms family.” Poor mom-dad! They felt, they had failed in every competition towards the end of their service tenure for I didnot come under the ambit of any of the “common success equations” which their community understands…

Competition becomes so much a part of nuclear families in industrial town, that it almost gets into your blood. From studies to jobs to boy/girl friends to marriage (“suitable boy”), everything becomes a competition and you have to be quick — very quick to grab things. I remember calling up a long-lost friend from school a few years’ back thinking she’ll be happy to speak to me — but no she thought I had called up to request her to forward my resume for a job in the MNC that she works in. She responded with a tight-lipped “hello” and hung up even before I could ask her about her life in general. For a moment I thought I had failed in the competition called life, had to pay the price of choosing “the untrodden path”, but then a moment later hardened up for some new utopian destination.

I tend to retailiate more severely these days, have become more impatient with people or with what I think is “unprofessional” or “not-of-business” behaviour. Sometimes parents say am being harsh and too ambitious, but that’s what they and the society has made of me– the grammar in life’s workshop being “everything’s fair in love and war” and now it’s an open war dear…

I stop here…almost 1.30 am. I am reminded of that famous soliloquy from Shakespeare’s comedy As You Like It , called “Seven Stages of A Man’s Life”…you can also rephrase it as “Seven Stages of A Woman’s Life”, where he famously states that “all world’s a stage…” and describes the seven different stages of human beings from childhood to death:

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms;
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon’s mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin’d,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper’d pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well sav’d, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion;
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.” — Jaques (Act II, Scene VII, lines 139-166)

Mr. Shakespeare (there are recent debates that it might be Ms. Shakespeare 😉 ) knew the grammar of competition in the 16th century much better and more philosophically than many of us know today. Even while coming from an elementary grammar school, he left far behind the great “University Wits” (a school of dramatists who dominated the literary scenario of the time) in the competition of producing world class plays. Closer to home, the Sanskrit poetic genius Kalidasa competed with none other than his wife Vidyottamma, to write immortal epics like Abhigyanasakuntalam, Meghadootam, Kumarsambhavam and so on, which became landamarks of Sanskrit literature.

There are many other instances to substantiate the point that competition has both a positive and a negative angle, but it might suffice to say that what you make of it is your own choice and prerogative…get destroyed by it or destroy the competing factors…Choose wisely!

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