Archive for boss

Somewhere in the unwritten laws of the cosmos there is a logic statement dictating that all managers must be dickheads. I’m not really sure who enacted this law, whether there was a vote, or if meeting notes were emailed out with action items, but whomever is responsible is definitely an asshole.

In the majority of any of the positions I’ve ever had, anyone with any sort of decision making power, managerial control, or ownership of the company has been a complete dickbrain. I’m not the only person with this curse either. In fact I can’t think of one friend, co-worker, or family member who hasn’t mysteriously been plagued by the same seemingly unending stream of jerk-offs all apparently cut from the same cloth.

So even though Darwin seems to have missed this KEY chain of evolution, lets examine it. Most of these guys had to work their way up just like us. They started as stockers in the supermarket, or working the mail room, or fixing printers, or laying sod, or putting up drywall for someone else’s company. These guys jockeyed desks and keyboards and task lists imprisoned in grey cubicles just like me. So did they start off as raging cockasses? I’d really like to think not. I’d love to imagine a world were people like that DIDN’T get rewarded for treating everyone they encounter on a day to day basis like utter dogshit.

The other more sinister option, that keeps me up at night grinding my teeth dreaming about schools of piranha ripping and tearing my oppressors apart, is that the actual TITLE of manager/owner/headfuckhoncho creates this brand of jerk. I envision the horrible (yet awesome) transformation scene from An American Werewolf in London were our protagonist becomes the wolf for the first time. In my minds eye I see this happening to normal everyday guys like me on the day they get promoted to VP of Sucking Off the Chairman. The hint of power corrupts their souls and they become some kind of mutant were-dick. Destined to exact revenge on all their helpless underlings for the years of oppression they had suffered at the hands of dickheads above them. Employing cleverly passive aggressive techniques like

” Thanks for putting in those 30 overtime hours last week, but you know you were 14 min late today. I really need you to be more of a team player ”

You know, the kind of psychological date rape tactics that should be reserved for re-runs of The Prisoner.