Actor’s untimely death ‘tragically’ leaves no work for understudies

While the Hollywood community is still coming to terms with the sad demise of Philip Seymour Hoffman, struggling movie stars have had to contend with the shock that The Hunger Games franchise will not be recasting the character of Plutarch Heavensbee. Dozens of ‘B-list’ celebrities have needlessly suffered the emotional strain of ‘respectfully’ waiting before ‘casually’ offering themselves for the role, only to discover that the dystopian sequels are finished.

Agents expressed their frustration at having ‘wasted’ their time on ‘glowing tributes’, ‘tasteful’ wreathes and Suzanne Collins’ boxsets only to be rebuffed. As one actor complained: ‘I can’t believe I’ve spent the last forty eight hours pretending to understand ‘Synecdoche, New York’. Can we just take it as read that I’m a deep and meaningful person and get straight onto the casting?’

Having succumbed to his own personal hunger game involving the moreish nature of heroin, Mr. Hoffman leaves behind a significant body of film work. Ultimately his absence opens up a niche for any actor wishing to play rotund, morally ambiguous and mumbling roles such as the much touted biopic of Mr Blobby. In turn, Lionsgate studios have asked that Mr K. Chegwin stop sending in his spotlight photo, underwear and showreels of 'Cheggars Plays Pop'.