Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
3959

Things In Football That Sound Dirty20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration into the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line).
1. He's got great hands. Denis B.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
3955

The Mad Wife
A woman walks into a pharmacy, strolls over to the counter, and catches the pharmacist's attention. "Can I please get some arsenic?" she asks.
"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asks the pharmacist.
"It's for my husband," she replies.
"Your husband?" exclaims the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"
She just nods.
"Well, lady," he replies, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me to sell you arsenic!"
She doesn't say a word. She just reaches into her purse, fishes out a photograph, and hands it to the pharmacist. It is a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist slowly looks up over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he says, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?" Tom H.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
3961

Beer Goggles
Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordering a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.
This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!" Josh B.

Thursday

Joke
N°
3963

Top 10 Excuses For Sleeping At Desk10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice yoga?"
4. "Shoot! Why did you interrupt me? I almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!"
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. "...In Jesus' name, Amen." Brent H.

Friday

Joke
N°
3964

A Guide To Bra RemovalObjective: To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
What You Need:
1. Girl with bra
2. Two functional hands
3. Common sense
Techniques:
1. "The Houdini Hug": Using sleight of hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2. "MacGyver's Off The Shoulder Slide": An alternative method to use after 10 minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
Do Not Use: Scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, black magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.
Warning: When removing a bra, do not say the following:
1. "I really want to thank you for this."
2. "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3. "Do you have any cereal?" Frank J.

Saturday

Joke
N°
3965

Trust A Friend
A man leaves home to go fight in the Crusades and decides that his wife should wear a chastity belt in his absence. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend.
He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."
The husband leaves on horseback and about half an hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.
"What's wrong?", he asks.
"You gave me the wrong key." Peter N.

Sunday

Joke
N°
3962

The Job Search
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!" George H.