The Koch brothers, who will spend almost $900 million on this presidential campaign, have been auditioning Republican candidates in Dana Point, California.

Lights up on SCOTT WALKER, TED CRUZ, RAND PAUL, MARCO RUBIO, and JEB BUSH huddled under one side of a large proscenium. They are auditioning for the role of Republican Jesus Christ Superstar. CHARLES and DAVID KOCH, who plan to spend $889 million on this election, approach the lectern. The crowd falls silent as the Koch brothers proceed to unzip their people suits and fuse into a two-headed jar of marshmallow fluff, their natural form.

Koch Bros: Good evening and welcome to this secretive billionaire summit. We all know why we're here: to witness five free-market gladiators battling it out for a chance to win a fraction of our inherited wealth. How about wealth, huh?