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Is This Heaven? No….. It’s Iowa!

Buckle up and welcome to a four hour Bachelor marathon! The only time in your life you’ll watch a group whose itinerary for the week involves going from Deadwood, South Dakota to Des Moines, Iowa with two stops in Arlington, Iowa. And from there making stops in Shreveport, Louisiana, at a Chicago based fertility clinic, and behind a dumpster in Arizona. We saw Chris stumble through his goodbye with three different women vying for his love. We saw all that Arlington, Iowa had to offer, which included a boarded up market, a closed down bar, a coffee shop speakeasy, and the local reverend stooping while wearing a Call of Duty Ghosts t-shirt. There was the Chris’ snooze of a date with Whitney, where I found myself more invested in the 245 viewing of the Flomax commercial proceeding the one-on-one than the date itself. Jade exposed her secret about exposing herself for the big perverted bunny. It was four hours of The Bachelor, and it felt like four hours of The Bachelor.

I Ride With Kaitlyn

With only Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney left now is probably as good a time as any to play the game “Which Of These Things Doesn’t Belong.” To Chris’ left is the Kentucky raised fertility nurse with a voice only an octave lower than Alvin and The Chipmunks. To Chris’ right is his bayou princess who practices abstinence and the art of silence. And in the middle the openly nuts tattooed rapper/dancer from Canada that drops an Anchorman reference with nobody there to appreciate it. Kaitlyn not making it past next week is off the board in Vegas at this point. She’s too much for Chris, and frankly she deserves better. Everything I think about Kaitlyn is summed up in this Wedding Crashers clip, minus the belief she is a virgin.

5/2 our relationship ends in litigation over who gets to keep the waffle iron, but I’m willing to give it a shot. Lets spin the chamber Kaitlyn.

The Collapse of Britt

Going into this week, outside of Britt’s porn tongue issue (my dear friend Courtney pointed out she kisses like a porn star, and she is 100% correct) the iridescent haired waitress looked like a strong pick for Chris’ corn fields and heart. Everyone watching the show had that feeling, but at the same time this week’s melt down almost seemed preordained. Britt’s 2015 Bachelor season was actually quite similar to the 2014 Florida State Seminoles football team. Both spent a majority of their season as a favorite, neither was liked or well respected by their peers, they both had the look of a champion on the surface, and yet there was this constant suspicion that when the competition and the stakes got turned up, they’d answer with a catastrophic performance. And when Britt’s makeup and heart cracked there was no holding back the avalanche of tears, sobs, and fake eyelashes leaving Chris with no choice but to send her to the both literal and figurative showers.

My advice to the once leader of the pack, Britt take a second shower. Or a third. Or maybe eight. Think of how many hours you’ve been traveling, sweating out rose ceremonies and at Big & Rich shows. It isn’t just the smell of defeat stinging your nostrils. So after you wipe the tears and let your face breath for a minute, reapply and begin preparing for your triumphant return on Bachelor in Paradise.

Chris Quotes

Did anyone else hear our strong jawed denizen of the husks gaze across his plot of crops and wistfully say “Land is one of my passions”? If he followed that up with a cry of “I love lamp,” was anybody going be surprised?