Can You Change Your Husband? Can You Change?

Do we ever really change?

Some change happens as we grow up and mature.

But, is it possible to change? Why do we want our spouses to change when we knew what we were getting when we got married?

When Hubs and I were first dating, he was very into soccer. Being a former Soccer God in school, he was coaching three different soccer teams, as well as doing private lessons, playing on an under-30 team, going to games with other coaches, and of course, watching the World Cup(yes, the World Cup being on is what brought this thought to my head).

I remember as a newlywed, getting frustrated with him and yelling at him, “You’re always busy with soccer!”

He looked at me and said, “I’m no different now than before we got married.”

And he was right. He had had to travel across the state, sometimes being gone on weekends, and have his weeknights be full of soccer. It wasn’t any different. But, it felt different because we were living together after we got married and I noticed his absence more.

But, it really wasn’t fair of me to expect him to stop with all the soccer just because we got married. It wasn’t something that we had talked about.

He did try to continue even after our first baby was born, which really got me going.

And made me see other things that bothered me about him. It wasn’t just soccer. It was going out with the other coaches after games and drinking what I thought was way too much: something that took away from our time as a family, was wasting the money that we had- which was limited since I wasn’t working any more, and was even potentially dangerous since he would drive home.

And so, we fought about that. I mean huge, epic shouting-match types of fights.

That’s when everything he didn’t like about me came out, too: I was a terrible housekeeper, I wasn’t ever going to play any sports with him, and I wasn’t a social butterfly.

It was my turn to say “I’m no different now than before we got married.”

We were at a stand-off: one that if we hadn’t made the decision to make our marriage work, could have been the end of our marriage.

Luckily, we believe that love is a decision and chose to make things work. To remember the things that had made us fall in love in the first place, instead of focusing on what we didn’t like.

And we did change: we became more considerate of each other’s wants and expectations.

Hubs isn’t coaching now. He only goes to a few soccer games a year and only stays out late with the coaches for one of those. He still plays, but in a once-a-week no-stress over-30 league. While he does still drink, it’s not excessive and it’s usually at home, after the boys go to bed, while he and I watch tv together. I don’t worry that he’s going to drink and drive now.

Have I changed? Well, I’ll never be out there playing on his soccer team. But, I can go to his games for support and to spend time with him. I’ve learned to be more social, meeting more people and being more outgoing. I still get quiet and prefer to be a homebody sometimes, but I can be a social butterfly when the need arises.

I’m still a horrible housekeeper. But, Hubs has realized that he is, too, so he knows the state of our house is not entirely my fault.

If you look at the two of us, now almost 9 years after we met, we are different. We have changed.

We’ve changed and grown together. But, it doesn’t happen overnight and not completely.

And so, when I was a Soccer Widow on Saturday because Hubs was off having some big pre-game party with his friends, then watching the game, and then continuing the party to analyze every play in the game, and then needed to be driven home, I wasn’t upset.

Because I knew that he then would be okay that I didn’t feel like cleaning the house and having company come over on Sunday and playing the welcoming hostess- that I wanted to go spend time off by myself.

It’s a part of who we are. We might not always like every choice that the other makes, every habit or quirk. But, we still love each other and don’t need each other to change.

I love this post! It is SO hard to remember who we used to be when it goes from being "me" and "him" to "us." I think there are silent expectations and unless they are vocalized (like you learned…), trouble can ensue. Change is possible, but only if the need is communicated!

Rather than "change," I call it "growth." You start to grow up, especially when kids come along. You realize what is really important to you and decide how to incorporate it without it taking over your life because, let's face it, it's not just your life anymore. When you're young and married and it's just the two of you, it's easy to get angry when you're not the recipient of all of the attention, but when you're older and you realize that he's not the only thing that can make you happy, there is a satisfaction found in your marriage that was hidden before. Thanks for posting this…I love marriage posts.

Amen sister. It's always a two way street and all the things that I'm going over in my head about him he's got in his head too. I'm not perfect, neither is he, but I still love him through his imperfections and he loves me…

Great post, Shell. I think Rebecca is right on as far as the "growth" thing. When we make a lifelong commitment to each other, how could we not change to be molded into one with our spouse? It takes time and A LOT of work(fights, forgiveness, prayer, and love). hubs and I are completely different people than we were almost thirteen yrs ago, but yet, we're still us. It's weird how that happens. Thanks for the reminder of how far we've come!

Thanks for posting this Shell. It's important. I don't know any couple who hasn't had their moments where change was inevitable. It's seems easier to divorce than to work on a relationship.

My husband and I are not the same two people who met 25 years ago. I can't change him and he can't change me. We learned that in probably the worst possible way. We continue to grow and evolve on a daily basis into the people we were meant to be. Nothing changes unless we change our behavior and attitude.

I think you just hit on the key to a happy marriage – realizing that growth is a good thing, that changing your priorities doesn't mean you're "giving in," and that making your spouse happy is a gift that keeps giving.

I think a lot of couples let their egos get in the way – marriage is a journey, not the destination.

My man was a soccer dude as well. It was his legs that attracted me first 🙂

I, too, suck at housekeeping. In college, where Ryan and I met, my room was always a mess. Always. When he got married he acted shocked when I didn't pick of my clothes the second I put them down. I was shocked that he didn't realize my room was always a mess!

We both try to be better now but the mess still gets to him and I try to keep up with the cleaning but sometimes having little kids just gets in the way. There are only so many times you can pick up the same room in a day!

I like that you both accepted who you were and yet still tried to compromise and be considerate of the fact that you (even just the two of you) were a family now. I never feel like just one way will work – either trying to change him or accepting it all no matter how it impacts you. Seems like you and your hubs have hit the mature middle ground that makes a marriage thrive. Thanks for sharing it with us!

Such an honest and true post. The same goes for us. I get resentful of hockey, but I just realized that his playing hockey is going to pay for my WordPress migration. LOL ONE spring season is what it will cost for me to move over. I'm all on that!!

Having been through a divorce and my fiance through a breakup involving a child, we both have an entirely different perspective about relationships. We are committed to one another and our family–his, mine and our kids –and "the end" isn't an option.

Yeah we get bullshit that we're not a "real" family because we're not married yet. Whatever.

We're who we are and in our mid 30s definitely we have set in things that bug each other about each other. We just made the choice years ago to accept each other. All of us.

Great post Shell, I wish I could say my husbands work-aholic tendancies showed before we were married, but we were still in university when we started dating! alas, we change all the time and hopefully this will too.

This is so true. In our 15 years of marriage, we have changed so much. I think we've both migrated towards each other. I've taken on some of his better qualities, and vice versa. We've also taken on some of each other's worse qualities, but at least we understand each other better! 😉

SO true. So many things change around us that we should enjoy the constants, I guess. 😉 Although the dirty socks on the couch and the empty glasses around the house, I'd go for a change there if there could be one.

Great post Shell. I think it's easy to be more tolerant of each other when dating because the pressures of marriage, family, etc. are not there. We are free to explore who we are as individuals as well as a couple.

When life changes, there is less time for that exploration and tolerance can turn to frustration. We do all make choices on what battles to fight. Getting to a place of acceptance is such a big hurdle in a marriage, but such an important one.

Shell, this is an awesome post, and I know it's going to help so many people struggling in their relationships. It's helped me!

I think the most important thing here is that love is a choice, and you both vowed to make your marriage work. You communicated, and you compromised. That is what is important. That is what makes or breaks a relationship.

I'm so glad you and the hubs have such a great give and take, and you seem very happy. Congrats!

Meshing two people into one marriage is tough! Hubby and I are so alike that it works but we do have things that irritate us about the other. I think getting married in our 30's also helped us. If we had married in our 20's who knows if we would of made it. Good post lil sis!!! 🙂

Very good post Shell. I knew hubby was a major football fan when I married him and I have learned to deal with. I am a football widow every Sunday during football season. I have my faults too that he has learn to accept.

I believe when you want a relationship to work bad enough it is possible to change…whether it be to accept them for all that they are or learning to like something new…ya never know until ya try it right!?

Great post! In fact, Husband and I have been having similar conversations lately. We're trying to make it all work now with a 6-month-old. Some things have to go, but I think we can manage to hang on to other things too …

I completely get what you are saying. My huband is a consultant which means he travels A LOT. He has been doing this since before I met him and it didn't used to be a problem. I actually liked being in the house by myself and having time alone. Now that we have 3 kids it is a whole different ballgame. Although I don't want him to change jobs, it is our lifeblood right now, he had to realize that when he is at home I need him to be waaaaay more involved than he used to be because I need a break and a lot of help. Great post!

It's so funny how everyone just thinks of the wedding and figures everything else will be easy or the birth of a child and not even knowing how much care a new born needs. Oh, the good old days=0) We can only change ourselves in the end. I read a lot of books to figure that one out, LOL!!

We had AMAZING pre-marrital councelling so many 'after marriage' pit falls were avoided since we were given time space and a voice to share about what our experiences were growing up in our own family and what we 'expected' in our life together – etc. Even so,I've found through our nearly 10 years of marriage that both my hubby and I STILL have un-spoken expectations that we impose on each other sometimes unfairly.

I'm so happy to hear that you BOTH are working together to make life within your famiy better for each OTHER – that makes such a difference. You've got a beautiful family! 🙂

No you can't. I'm a husband (for 20 years), and I'm unchangeable … according to my old lady >:)))

To be more serious; the first shock comes when you go from be dating++ to actually LIVING together, day and night, in good and … whatever the opposite is. After a while you learn to be pragmatic, to make things work. But the very basic fundamental things in our personalities never change >:)

My husband doesn't have a hobby like that, but he does travel a lot! I was cool with it, until we got married. I was all, YOU'RE NEVER HOME!

He too, brought up the ugly things about me (never cook…).

I threw a pant at him (didn't hit him, though), I remember.

Over the years, I've learned to do stuff by myself. I never let being alone keep me from treating myself to good meal in a nice restaurant or a walk downtown. I've learned to make the most of it, and we are happier because we both learned to make changes to accommodate our marriage.

I miss him always, but it's not the end of the world if he's gone for a while on a work trip.

*round of applause* This is something I have to remind myself of a lot, but mostly about how we have always related to one another with more fun and sarcasm than sugar and sweetness. I told him I'm getting soft in my old age though. 😉

Great post. I think it is when you have children and less of so much (sleep, free time, money, the list goes on) and do not spend quality time together and also apart that you notice the things you always knew about but somehow now are much more annoying in one another.

You cannot change a person's basic personality I agree, but I do think when you decide to have children you have to both accept that sacrifices will need to be made and compromises also. This is something my husband and I are still learning

it's funny what we want to change once we notice it- even if it's been there all along. A good marriage is all about compromise, being true to yourself and love. If those aren't 3 difficult areas to intertwine, then I don't know what is! Well done on figuring out your marriage navigation skills!!

Love this post and how yall made the decision to love one another. So many people just stop loving and split up now days. I hear "I'm not in love any more" well hell make the decision to be in love then!

This was a really great post, Shell. I totally understand what you are saying. You are right, there are things that my husband does now that bother me, but he's always done them, and I knew they were there before I married him, so I can't expect him to change.

I do think that we turn into totally different people after having kids though. Sometimes it feels as though we are going in two separate directions. We are working on it though!

So true! I think there are times when we think the other needs to change when in reality we too need to change. My husband and I have been down this road, and are learning the art compromise!! Good for you guys for doing what it takes to save your marriage!

I needed this reminder tonight Shell! Ughh… it is about making the decision- and respecting eachother. I have been trying to remind myself of that the last few days…. it is not always easy, but I have to believe that in the long run, it is all worth it. xo

what an amazing post. It is really funny how things do change with your life. I am so glad I got a chance to read your changes. Marriage is a great part of my life even if we have our hard times and all. It is totally worth it..

I have changed my hubby and molded him like putty in my hands. It took 18 years, but we married really young and he needed some serious direction… and I was willing to give it. BAHAHAHA! Truth be told, he may have changed me a tiny bit as well. 😉

I get so uncomfortable talking about things like this, but I love the way you've chosen to approach it. I'm not married, but I do hope to be someday, and the thought of all the struggles scares me. But, it's what makes your relationship what it is. If you're together in the end, that's what counts, right? I hope so! 🙂

It's amazing how much we change over time and sometimes don't even realize it. I think it's awesome that you decided to stick with it and compromise! That is inspiring to hear because so many couples don't make that choice anymore.

Wow this is an awesome post. My hubs and I married last year, after being together for almost 5 years, cohabitating for the last 2, so we knew what we were getting when we got married. I think there is an expectation of some change whether it really happens or not when that ring slides on your finger and you say I do. I knew his faults when I married him and married him anyway knowing he would probably never change.

You know what though? He is. He is growing up, becoming more family oriented (even though he still works too hard) and more. Life is interesting like that. I'm loving seeing the man he is becoming and envisioning us old and gray sitting in our respective places shouting at each other across the house so we can hear what the other is saying….(haha)

SO TRUE! SO TRUE! My Hubster and I will be married almost 4 years…and we recently talked about how much we've changed….FOR THE BETTER! (more accepting and slow to anger) It's so nice to see a relationship mature! And doesn't it feel so much better when you don't get angry over the small stuff (you gotta save that for when it means something! right? 😉

Awesome post! We all change a little as we grow older and over time we have to make sacrifices for eachother. Thanks so much for stopping by and commiserating with me on my Mommy Meltdown post. It's always nice to know that I'm not alone. Thanks again. Following you via Google Friend Connect! Have a great day.

Good for you! Love that you said love is a decision, you are so right. Too many people expect things to always be perfect and easy and then just give up when they aren't.. marriage is really hard at times, but the rewards are so worth it.

I was nodding my head the whole time. I think marriage REQUIRES change and growth and compromise or I can guarantee it won't work. I think it's all about figuring out what things you can do to make everyone happier, without sacrificing too much of yourself. 🙂

This is such an a amazing post, and so, so true. I agree with the other posters saying I was nodding along- you change all the time, so do the people around you. It's part of growing, evolving, etc. That doesn't mean some principles aren't the same, but you have to be willing to work together- both of you.

i love your honesty….i had same problem with hubby ..he was and always has been mr social….his out nights especially during sports season was the same….our turning point came after a DWI…and 6 mos loss of license for him….

This was such a great post I made my husband read it too. We agree so much that marriage is a choice. I'm not including extenuating circumstances or special details, but overall, being married and working on a strong, loving relationship is a choice and takes both people working together. Love is not the hard part- it's respecting and growing together that requires attention and dedication.

That is how I feel about my hubs and I too, we didn’t change we “grew” together. We’ve also been together since I was 17 😀

Welcome to Things I Can't Say: Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom. I'm Shell. Boy mom, beach girl, bookworm, ball games, baker, brand ambassador, Thinking yoga, food, and travel should start with "b," too. Finding the easiest way to do some things while overthinking so many others. Read More…