FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

CAMBRIDGE, UNITED KINGDOM—Saying that the species knew it had to start fucking and start fucking fast, officials from the International Union for Conservation of Nature announced Monday that loggerhead turtles—marine reptiles considered critically endangered in 2003—have successfully fucked their way back from the brink of extinction.

“We were gravely concerned that loggerheads would die out by early 2004,” said IUCN director Jennifer Demato, noting that there were estimated to be fewer than 100 of the oceanic turtles left in the world just 10 years ago. “These sea turtles were severely overhunted, millions were caught in fishing lines, and their habitats had been destroyed by ocean pollution. They had a great many obstacles to overcome, but by God, they fucked their way past each and every one of them.”

“The bottom line is that they knew they were in a big hole,” Demato continued. “So, what did they do? They bared down and fucked themselves right out of it.”

According to Demato, the female loggerhead has a relatively low reproductive rate and a mating season of only six weeks, which greatly compounded the species’ risk of extinction. However, Demato told reporters the marine reptiles said screw all of that and began fucking at extraordinary and previously unprecedented rates in an effort to increase their population levels. IUCN officials said the oceanic turtles even abandoned their usual migratory patterns in order to devote every last second to fucking, laying eggs, fucking, laying eggs, and constant, round-the-clock fucking and egg-laying.

By 2007, after fucking like their lives depended on it for four straight years, IUCN officials moved the species from “critically endangered” to “vulnerable.” After another six years of solid, nonstop fucking, the species reportedly blew by “conservation dependent” status and is now labeled as “near threatened.”

Sources confirmed that if members of the species can continue fucking like each one is the last goddamned loggerhead turtle on earth, it could achieve “least concern” status within a year.

“There was a brief period there when it seemed like they just couldn’t fuck anymore and were getting tired of courting prospective mates by constantly producing cloacal pheromones and circling one another,” Demato said. “But just when we thought they couldn’t fuck any more, they dug deep and, with whatever they had left in the tank, began fucking each other’s brains out harder and faster than ever before.”

“After a male fertilized his partner’s eggs, the female would quickly go nest and then immediately return to get fucked all over again,” Demato added. “Truly impressive.”

Due to their rampant fucking, loggerheads have returned in large numbers to their most popular natural habitats along the southeastern coast of the United States, the Mediterranean Sea, and the Indian Ocean. Demato explained that the rare reptiles can be spotted due to their large, reddish-brown shells and the fact that they are constantly fucking one another at every possible moment.

“The loggerheads feel like if they take their feet off the gas, they’ll end up where they started,” Demato said. “If there is any lesson to be learned here, it’s that not only should a species fuck, they should fuck like there’s no tomorrow.”