Toyota Recalls 4.2 Million Vehicles Over Faulty Cup Holders

Toyota President Akio Toyoda claims this wasn't an issue in his native Japan, as the phrase "super gulp" can't be translated.

WASHINGTON-Toyota Motor Corp. said Tuesday it will recall 4.2 million vehicles in the United States, the company's largest-ever U.S. recall, to address problems with normal-sized cup holders that could result in oversized drinks spilling and leading wet-lapped drivers to crash.

The recall will involve popular models such as the Toyota Camry, the most excruciatingly boring passenger car in America, and the Toyota Prius, the best-selling gas-electric hybrid for those uppity folks who keep telling themselves they actually give a damn about the environment for some reason.

Toyota said it was still working with officials from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) to find a remedy to fix the problem and said owners could be notified about the recall as early as next week, or as soon as Toyota can find somebody good to blame. Toyota spokesman Irv Miller said until the company finds a fix, owners should try wedging their oversized drink containers between the fat of their legs, or simply refrain from drinking beverages that come in a size three times that of their bladders.

"An average-sized cup holder may result in absurdly large beverages to not sit properly and spill upon the slightest of turns, which could cause some drivers to curse like a sailor while simultaneously attempting to dab out possible stains in their one good pair of pants, which could ultimately cause a crash, serious injury, death, or a very embarrassing stain," Miller said.

NHTSA said it had received reports of 307 incidents in which spilled beverages may have been a result of the Toyota vehicles involved. It was unclear how many led to stained pants, but the inquiry was prompted by a high speed crash in April in New Jersey of a Lexus barreling out of control. As the vehicle hit speeds exceeding 40 mph, family members made a frantic 911 call and said their Super Gulp Blue Raspberry Slurpee container had rolled under the accelerator pedal and caused it to stick, and that they could neither stop the vehicle nor quench their insatiable thirst for a frozen fruity beverage.

"This is an urgent matter," Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said in a statement. "For everyone's sake, we strongly urge owners of these vehicles to instead attempt to wedge their large drink containers into open glove boxes, or perhaps even buckle them into the passenger seat, assuming, of course, they're large enough to abide by all passenger air bag regulations."

The Japanese automaker warned owners that if they think their cup is too big, they should check to see if it actually fits in the god damn cup holder before obliviously driving off. If a beverage does spill, Toyota advises drivers to calmly pull over at the next possible opportunity, and contrary to popular opinion, not attempt to immediately suck the remaining pool of iced drink off their lap.

For situations where the empty cup becomes lodged under the accelerator, Toyota says the slightest amount of force on the pedal should crush the cup, as most are made of shitty plastic anyway.

Toyota claims it is making every possible effort to find a solution to the problem, but says that installing slightly larger cup holders is likely going to end up being the best fix. But, they claim they are also looking into other, more drastic solutions to the problem, such as installing an experimental computer chip into the brains of passengers which would reportedly help them persuade drivers to choose a more reasonable drink size upon entering a convenience store.

Toyota's previous U.S. recall was roughly 1.2 million vehicles in 2009, which was to fix an issue with the in-car radio. The company declined to say exactly what the complaints involved, but rumor is the radios in question would spontaneously switch to the nearest country station and remain there until desperate drivers would swerve head-on into oncoming traffic or drive off the nearest bridge in an attempt to get that awful noise out of their heads.

Make Gregamemnon's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

More fake news stories

New York, NY Donald Trump was pleased to announce today that Bill Cosby would be one of the celebrities on his next show. Others will include Michael Richards and Paula Deen.
"Dr. Cosby has requested that we make a few changes to our original for...

Under pressure from hairy-legged feminists, Hooters, a restaurant whose servers--young, nubile women in short shorts and abbreviated shirts emblazoned with the faces of owls whose eyes are "strategically positioned" to frame the wearers' breasts--is...

A new vaping company has come on the market that provides its users with atomic-borne, fracking-waste emissions instead of the water vapor used by traditional vaping horns.
Vape Rape LLC, headquartered outside Wheeling, W.Va. on a rezoned piece o...

GERMANY - Leading luxury car manufacturers from Germany today announced they have formed a joint venture for the development of self-driving vehicles for the U.S. market.
The Autonomous Hands-Off Luxury Engineering (A-HOLE) Group promises an ult...

Building upon the great success of Starbucks' Race Together campaign, a rival coffee house has unveiled their new concept of "Defend Your Position".
"What we found out very quickly is that people already have very set opinions on a great many sub...

Apple Computers, Inc. has announced that the Apple Stores, being a brick and mortar retailer, have joined the MCX (Merchange Customer Exchange) and will follow in Walmart's footsteps by no longer accepting Apple Pay.
"Walmart is the world's larges...

International Business Machinations (IBM) denied reports that it plans to lay off 100,000 of its employees after losses for each of the last 11 successive quarters.
"We're in the money," CEO Ginni Romney (no relation, as far as can be determined,...