“I was murdered by Simone Simmons” says Diana’s ghost

by philapilus

The departed spirits of Princess Diana and Sri Chinmoy revealed this morning that they frequently had foursomes with Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson in a spaceship orbiting Pluto

Princess Diana’s ghost has lashed out at Simone Simmons today, after the Daily Star published an article in which her former ‘spiritual counsellor’ claimed to be carrying messages from the dead royal to the Duchess of Cambridge.

In an extraordinary revelation, the mother of Princes William and Harry, and would-have-been-grandmother to Prince George, said to TMB’s very own spiritual guru, Randy Bumfukowitz, “Tell everyone not to believe that lying little twat. It was none-other than Simone who orchestrated my death, through her links with the shady and secretive illuminati of the Royal British Legion.”

Diana, former daughter-in-law of the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh, then revealed “Also, Simone would hypnotise me, and assault me with a dildo shaped like a Portuguese man of war jellyfish, whilst I lay helpless on the couch.

“Sometimes she would then place a shoe on my head, and spoon boiling hot apple-pie filling into it until it overflowed onto my face, leaving a shoe-silhouette-shaped burn.”

According to the former sister-in-law of Sarah Fergusson and had-he-been-alive-at-the-time-granddaughter-in-law of King George VI “Then there were all the times when she had me horsewhipped by Morlocks trained by a cabal of sadists, drawn from the ranks of the Women’s Institute.”

Further shocking accusations were forthcoming from the woman-who-would-have-been-great-grandmother-to-the-children-of-Prince-George’s as-yet-unborn-cousins-in-potentia, when she said she was prepared to testify in court through a magical tape-recorder that Simmons was also responsible for the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Centre, the resurrection of ‘Mad Monk’ Rasputin through an unholy act of necrophilia with the corpse, the murders attributed to the Yorksire Ripper (via a time machine), and the commissioning of the second, appalling series of ‘I’m Alan Partridge’.

“It’s not just that Simmons is a bullshit artist who makes up crap to fleece gullible people of their money that infuriates me so,” said the departed spirit of the princess-who-wouldn’t-have-died-in-that-car-crash-in-Paris-if-she-hadn’t-have-been-in-a-car-crash-in-paris, “It’s that she makes up such pathetically boring dross about me. Actually I hate Kate, and if it was up to me Prince George would be brought up as a fascist Hindu, just like me.”