December 2010

March 28, 2010

Like so many divorced women I love the experience of eating out, exploring new foods, people watching - but it is hard to do it alone. It gets easier over time, and in fact yesterday I went to Vancouver Art Museum and had to go into a sea of people on the patio with my little tray and feel comfortable without (and this important) not immediately pulling out the mobile phone and aimlessly pushing buttons. Try to keep your head up, look out, enjoy the food and the experience.

The SoloDining web site (www.solodining.com) is chockfull of strategies and tips on how to increase your comfort and options as a solo/single diner, plus need-to-know information for anyone considering solo/single travel.

Here is how they describe the site..."Taking the bite out of eating alone" - so you get the idea of its tone - it is fun, upbeat, comfortable - and useful!

They continue - You'll get the scoop (love the icecream reference) on notable solo-friendly restaurants across the United States and beyond. And while discovering what's out there, you'll learn what to look for and, "just as important," what solo dining amenities to suggest to your favorite restaurants. (Some need a bit of coaching about what solo diners want and love to receive from restaurants!)

All SoloDining.com publications, edited by solo-dining maven Marya Charles Alexander, reveal the secrets of how to make solo dining work for you. They include: tipping tactics; how to discover solo-friendly restaurants; the most effective ways to endear yourself to a restaurant and the ABCs of reservation making.

March 26, 2010

Breathe Deeply!Travelers will know that if a plane is in trouble, when conditions supporting normal life are suspended, the pilot calmly says “place the oxygen mask over your face and breathe normally.” And then “Do not attempt to help anyone else until you have secured your own mask.’ If you have managed to arrive at the stage of EXhale, you know first hand how life got very strange as you moved through the stages of EXile, EXpress, EXorcise, and EXplore. On the journey, you clutched any life support that you could find and just kept on breathing as normally as you could. Sometimes you slipped into a coma, other times you just gasped for air. Now thankfully, you have worked through your despair, dismissed the demons and find yourself ready to truly move on. EXhale.

The Journey ContinuesThe plane is cruising comfortably at 30,000 feet and normal life support conditions have been restored. However, you can still expect turbulence along the way as you move from here to “there”, wherever “there” might be. You may still be several thousand miles and pools of tears from resolution, and you might even circle back through EXile or EXpress again. You may live in a state of EXplore for years! But remember what it feels like to breathe on your own. You made it; you’ve paid a high emotional price for your freedom. Remember I told you all things would pass. After one year, I finally started to feel human again. I was taking deep breaths that energized me with a life-force that for months had totally eluded me. I felt alive again.

Time to Reach OutThis is the time to remember friends and family who helped you keep that oxygen make firmly planted on your face as you stumbled and lost all faith that you’d ever make it through the night. I remember the scene in Under the Tuscan Sun when one of the characters said after a breakup – “When do you think that I’ll start to breathe again?” Thank your girlfriends who reached out and listened and sympathized and stroked you. Thank your children for being there for you, unconditionally. Tell them you’ll return the favor one day and mean it. The next time someone calls you with a story of a sad ending – well first of all tell them about exinthe city.com or the other great websites we mention, then tell them you understand. Because you do. Deep down. Reaching out to others will complete the circle and you will get a great perspective on how far you’ve come.

Take Chances!This is time to be fearless. Life is short. It’s a time to take chances and to not worry if you fall down again. It’s the “get back on the horse” stage. Yes, I am talking about dating. You may have been out with guys during all the stages of ex and you may have thought that you had found the perfect replacement. But now you are ready to open up and from a position of energized confidence about yourself and your image. You know yourself in a deeper way, you have defined the boundaries of what you want from your life, you see no reason to compromise.. You are ready to take a deep deep breath from your heart and reach out for a new relationship, step out and take a chance at love again.

Welcome to ExploreAfter long excruciating days in EXile, the frenetic outpouring of grief and anger in EXpress, and the cleansing Exorcism of renewal, you finally get it. Life is short. You are feeling more human and want to actually go OUT into the world, examine your options and start to EXplore.

Money Can’t Buy HappinessOne of the most terrifying aspects of divorce is that there is often a justifiable deep concern with financial security. It’s a fact that most women end off financially worse off after the end of a relationship. There is often a tendency to want to move to a new city, change jobs, return to school, make a big change! These are all good goals! Take chances if you feel ready, but beware the pitfalls. Exploring starts at home.

Money Can Buy OptionsIn the stage of Explore, money is not the goal but can be a key. Money opens doors.. Robin Spears is a travel writer who, after her very dramatic divorce 6 years ago, left her small community in Lake Tahoe to move to San Francisco to jump start her career as a writer. She spent the next 5 years traveling the world, looking for her new home. She went on a kind of blind date with the world, which in many ways combined her EXile and EXplore stages at once. Robin now offers women’s workshops in Brazil for women in this exciting stage of EX.

Do What you Love!One of the least expensive ways to EXplore new options is to read about them first. Test the waters, let your heart and mind wander into new territory without judgment or expectation. Bookstores these days are a treasure trove of adventure, education and inspiration. What activities map to that leading lady you defined back in EXorcise? Start a hobby, join a club, and learn a new skill. Try new things and do what feels good for a change! Take chances any chance you can!

EXplore the WorldFor many EX-ers, travel is a great way to reaffirm individuality, and experience the incredible world we have been ignoring while in EXile. The challenge is that now you are flying solo and that presents its own set of issues. One site that you absolutely MUST visit is www.journeywoman.com. It is the absolute best site for women traveling alone and has all the resources that you’ll ever need. Travel is one of the most liberating and energizing ways to reinvent yourself, alone or with other women.

EX-AppealThis is a time for redefining your sexuality which was probably a strong component of your relationship. For many women, sex or even sensuality, has not been a part of their lives while in EXile, EXpress or EXorcise. Men have been blacklisted for many and ignored for others. The stages of EX are really focused individual redefinition, so now that the thought of another individual in the mix is scary. EXploring one’s new sexuality is a great opportunity to embrace and there are so many innovative women’s shops that help you get some practice. There is attractiveness to being an EX. You are self assured, confident and in a state of mind where you won’t compromise!! Men love this, so enjoy your EX-Appeal. New clothes, new look, new toys – go for it!! EXPLORE your options and have FUN!!!

Welcome to the stage of EXorcise. At this point, you are ready to release the demons of your past and let go of your EX for good!!

I have a close friend, who gave me some amazing advice.. He said, "OK, Margaret! Quit crying, bitching and moaning!! Approach your life as if you were producing a Broadway show."

Identify the Lead Character.Hint…that would be YOU!

Describe the Leading Lady.What does she look like, what’s in her wardrobe? What are her values? Say out loud five words that describe that person. My words were “loving, creative, sexy, intelligent and passionate”.

Start RehearsalsEvery day do one thing that supports each value of importance to the lead actress. For example, express intelligence by reading something new, express creativity by learning a skill.

Define a New LookAs the lead actress you will need a sexy new haircut, new wardrobe - a revamped image! This forces you to take a look in the mirror (full length by the way – no cheating!!). You may have been tempted to do a dramatic makeover in an earlier stage of EX, but you are most ready, physically and emotionally to do it in the Exorcise stage. Check out our favorite clothes, stylists, and plastic surgeons around the world.

Decide on Your Supporting Cast and Those People You are Going to Lean On.Be selective – “A- List” friends only. This is hard and takes time. It does not involve your ex! (and no, you can’t just be “friends”!). You’ve probably exhausted your friends by now, so why not join a Woman’s Group, attend a workshop or find new friends in the Forum Section.

Define the Audience.Who is sitting in the front row? Who is up in the balcony? Remember, and this is very important, your ex is NOT in the audience either. He is not in the third balcony, and definitely not lingering backstage. He is outside in the pouring rain, clutching a tiny little yellow ticket that says “ADMISSION DENIED”. As long as you put him in the audience/supporting cast/or production team, you will look for his approval and judgment. Don’t do that – remember, this is YOUR show!!!

Choose a Venue (i.e. where you want to live).You may want to skip town immediately. I drove to San Diego and back twice before I realized that I didn’t really want to live there. I realized that I had never been to so many places that I might love. Many women find it useful or even essential to leave the place they were living in prior to EX, but many, like me, realized that wherever you go there YOU are.

Lawyers, Doctors and Banks Oh My!If there was a divorce settlement, get it firmed up with all the terms clearly defined. Don’t let things slip because months after the divorce your ex has officially erased you from his memory – along with the financial promises he made. Make sure you have your own bank account and a team of people to help you – a great accountant, lawyer, banker, real estate agent, etc. Even if you don’t think you need them right now – line them up. We have put together a list of things you might want to consider, along with LINKS to some hand picked professionals.

Show Time!The plot for your very own personal Broadway Show has developed all kinds of twists and turns - beauty, travel, escape, romance, charity work, concerts, and women’s groups. You have a new supporting cast and perhaps a whole new audience. So many EXciting choices…, but now its time to launch this new EXtraordinary production!

How Lauren Hutton Helped Me Get My Groove Back - by Analise Prenderghast

Fat, old, disoriented, and utterly unsexy: that is exactly how I felt following my divorce. Nothing had turned out the way I’d thought it would. How could I be starting over at this late date? Who was I, now that I was no longer a married woman? Would anyone ever find me attractive again, or was I doomed?

I looked around at other women my age, give or take. Forty five is one of those age-points that can go a variety of ways, appearance-wise. Some forty-fives look spry and delicately seasoned; others look just plain old. Many women I saw seemed to have given in to gravity, their bodies plump and out of shape, their hairstyles utilitarian, their clothes uninspired. I caught my reflection in the window as I walked into the supermarket on a bad hair day, wearing sweatpants. “I am one of them,” I thought to myself, and my self-esteem slithered to yet a new low.

In the checkout line, among the magazine covers touting ten new sex positions he won’t believe you suggested, I noticed a picture of Lauren Hutton. My God, she looked incredible. Her face glowed with warmth and confidence, her clothes were simple and casual, yet crisp and classic. The lines in her face revealed age, but only in such a way as to make her seem all the more fascinating, experienced, worldly. Of all the twenty-something starlets on all the magazine covers, she was the sexiest by a landslide. I tossed the magazine in my cart.

After leafing through pages of gratuitous celebrity gossip over a cup of coffee in my eerily quiet house, I ripped the cover off the magazine and taped it to the wall. Who would even see it, after all? I vowed to make Lauren Hutton my avatar, the physical representation of what was possible, where I was headed, how I wanted to feel, who I wanted to be. If Lauren Hutton could look that great at fifty-something, who was I to settle for schlump-hood at the tender age of forty-five? From that day forward, when it came to questions of what to wear and how to carry myself, I vowed to ask, “What would Lauren do?”

With Lauren Hutton held in my mind at all times for inspiration and guidance, I launched my revival. I purged my underwear drawer of the dregs, the ill-fitting and worn out intimates that had long ago lost any appeal. Surely Lauren wears great underwear. Besides, what’s more depressing than putting on a pair of underpants my ex-spouse rejected me in? I made an appointment for a haircut and foils, to give my hair a new lease on life. If Lauren’s hair could have that natural-yet-well-cared-for look, then why not mine? I got rid of any clothes that made me feel frumpy, and spent some time coming up with new ideas for inspired outfits I could assemble from favorite things I owned.

Lauren could turn heads in perfectly aged jeans and a classic sweater, so could I. I committed to a diet and exercise plan, and vowed to drop the extra weight I’d taken to carrying around. If Lauren could have a toned and sexy body, then why not me? I held my head up and mimicked her confident air, and instantly felt stronger, sexier, and more alive than I had in years.

My revival is an ongoing process, and some days are honestly better than others. Every day I pass by that magazine cover taped to my wall and ask my avatar out loud, “How’m I doing?”. The other day I thought I heard the low sexy voice of a woman-of-a-certain-age say, “Just fine, sister. You’re doing just fine.” I could swear she even winked at me.

Ladies, choose your muse. Tina Turner? Sigourney Weaver? Pam Grier? Candace Bergen? Whether it be a movie star, a rock star, or an elegant woman who lives down the block, select a woman older than yourself who strikes you as especially vibrant, sexy, full of life. Hold her in your mind as you navigate this brand new phase of your life. Let her be your inspiration. Middle aged and divorced? Lucky you – now let the revival begin!

Analise Pendergast is a freelance writer specializing in topics of sexuality and relationships Her alter-ego, singer/songwriter Lisa McCormick, offers up original odes to love on her sultry CD, Mystery Girl : Eleven Songs of Love and Eros. Comments and inquiries are welcome at AnalisePendergast@hotmail.com.

Sherry Halperin: Rescue Me, He's Wearing a Moose HatHalperin goes on 40 dates, which she finds through web sites like match.com, professional services that cost up to $5000, blind dates, singles parties, and more. Each chapter is a short vignette — often funny and poignant, sometimes sad, and always candid — with a humorous caricature of the featured man.

John Gray: Mars and Venus Starting OverThe struggle, as Gray points out in Starting Over, isn't just to find a new partner, but to get over those feelings of abandonment or loss or anger or whatever else gets dredged up by the end of a relationship.

Sharon Webscheider-Cruse: Life After DivorceCreate a New Beginning Afer Divorce. Sharon shows you how to care for yourself through the crisis stage of divorce, welcome new feelings and turn an angry ex into a future friend