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01 October 2012

Fan and a Candle

I'm in bed tonight as my mind circles. I lit a candle so I can watch the flame dance around the issue just as I am. I've been avoiding way too much lately and I still don't feel up to the task of facing it. I'm still a massive fan of ignoring my problems.

I'm lonely tonight, just as I am every night. I pretend I'm not, I pretend I don't care about anything. I am no where near ready or comfortable enough to open my heart back up, even though the ex supposedly has a new girlfriend. He was the first person I had truly loved in years and he ruined everything for me. I don't trust, especially after he cheated. He further proved my self worth and now I'm trying to own it.

I've shut off my heart and all emotions. I refuse to let myself be caught up in commitment and relationships. I get drunk and sleep around. The only connection I'm okay with is the physical. Now when I feel the need to be close to someone, I hit up the bar and find someone willing. It's caused my count to go up a bit, but I was over that a while ago.

I've recently had the marriage conversation with a new friend. I don't think I'm meant for it. I like the idea and would love to be married and have a family one day, I just don't see it happening. I don't see myself ever feeling comfortable enough with a good enough person for it to ever occur. I thought I found the one twice and both times I was used. At this rate the only reason I think I'd become a wife is to enter into a contract marriage with one of the local higher ups.

I'm bundled up and the temperature around me changes. A fan on one side and the candle on the other. Cool on one side and hot on the other. Just like me.