Essays on Life, Liberty and the Art of Depression

Cut your cold to 4 days and survive the misery: my most useful post ever

The only thing worse than a winter cold? A summer cold (and swine flu but let’s not go there). Especially if the weather’s nice but since Noah and his arc have taken up residence on the east coast, maybe it doesn’t matter that much. However, I’m a very bad sick person and, up until a few years ago, every head cold turned into a sinus infection with rounds of antibiotics, blah, blah, blah. And so, after much research and pain, I have come up with a survival guide. Here it is:

Ok, I know for sure, most of you are now thinking Lara you are nuts and a hypochrondriac and you are over medicating yourself. But, for those few of you out there, those who’s colds seem to drag on into weeks and months here ya go. And by the way? I’m not a doctor…just a survivor.

1) Nasal rinse and Alkalol: (online or at a homeopathic drugstore): The most important part of the whole shabang. And the grossest I might add. Many people call it a netty pot, but I am telling you, four times a day with this thing helps clear all that lovely green and yellow stuff that comes out of your nose. A splash of Alkalol mixed with regular TAP water (dash of salt helps too) opens up the sinuses. And not get gross and graphic, inhale some this stuff and suck it down your throat and out of your mouth to clear that horrible post nasal drip. First time? You feel like you’re drowning, but trust me on this, soon you’ll be addicted. Start the MINUTE you think you are getting sick.

2) Airborne and Zicam: Build up your defenses. Airborne 3-4 times a day. Zicam (use a Q-Tip and put in OUTER portion of nasal passages. Apparently some people have lost their taste and smell from this–it should only happen to me so I stop eating fuggin’ chocolate all the time, but I squeeze my nose together 30 seconds and then blow the drippy stuff out. I’m still smelling, tasting and EATING.) All pharmacies have. Start the minute you think you are getting sick. UPDATE: JUNE 16 ZICAM HAS BEEN RECALLED, so, like that sucks. But needed to let y’all know!

So, if this hasn’t stopped the march of the cold by the next day…bring in the big guns.

3) I am a big baby when it comes to having pounding head aches and stuffed heads and noses so I do indulge in Sudafed (usually only 2 tabs twice per day–never after 8PM and only for 3 days), Afrin (at night so I can sleep–sorry never learned mouth breathing blame my mother–one more reason for therapy) and Advil, Tylenol or whatever for head ache. They say these things prolong your cold, but I have not found it personally. Use your judgement. I know you guys see that bottle of RobitussenDM too. Which I use. On occasion if after all the tea and honey I drink (see below) doesn’t stop the night time hacking cough.

4) Tea with honey and lemon (yes, it really does work to soothe your throat). Decaf herbal, three times a day. Plus lots of water. (Oh god, I sound like a bad magazine article, so stop reading here if you’re bored)

5) Love thy shower: unless you have such a high fever you can’t stand and then you probably do have the Swine Flu so stop reading this nonsense and get thine arse to a hospital. ‘Cause it opens up your sinus and then you can smell and you don’t want to smell your B.O. And I know you know what a shower looks like but this post would have looked weird if all the other suggestions have pictures and this one doesn’t.

6) Stop the spread of germs: I wash, wash, wash my hands every time I blow (just like the board of health is now telling everyone) but I also wipe all the surfaces down that I’ve touched with some alcohol (NOT to be confused with Alkalol) cause Bella is a much worse sick person than I am. It not only works better than Lysol, it’s a HELL of a lot cheaper.And STAY THE FUCK home…’cause believe it or not, you really can miss a day of work without the whole company falling down and NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS. But your body needs the rest and anyway, who needs to go in when your Blackberry/iphone is surgically attached to your hand?

One more little itty bitty thing. And this actually might be the hardest thing of all. You really shouldn’t drink. Anything. Alcoholic Not to be confused with the afore mentioned disenfectant alcohol but don’t drink that either. Just for 4 days. ‘Cause it’s really hard for your body to fight off germs and shit when it’s busy processing that shit. You can manage. By Thirsty Thursday? You will be all ready to Rock ‘n Roll.

PS: I am not a doctor, neither is my mother, so don’t be an ass and go to a doctor if your symptoms don’t clear up in a week or you have a high fever.