Nutaku Announces $10mm Investment In Adult Video Games, Here's The Games That Should (And Should Not) Be Porn-ified

Trending News: 4 Video Games That Should NOT Be Made NSFW (And 4 That Should)

Long Story Short

An online game publisher called Nutaku announced a $10mm investment in the advancement of adult gaming in the western world. The money will go to developers for the purpose of producing NSFW, porn-ified versions of already-popular video game titles.

Long Story

Only a small fraction of video games are profitable, but one publisher that focuses on "adult" versions of video games has discovered sex sells. According to Nutaku, which boasts 23 million monthly users, 90% of their games break even within 3 months.

But Nutaku's games are all hentai porn, graphic scenes featuring Japanese-styled anime and manga characters. So, in hopes of expanding their market beyond hentai-lovers, Nutaku just announced a $10 million investment fund to convince more established video game developers to create adult versions of popular games.

“The goal of this significant investment is to jumpstart an industry with incredible potential,” says Robert Mann, Nutaku’s Communications Manager. “Adult gaming is uniquely poised for enormous growth, with consumers demanding more premium content, but developers have previously suffered from limited exposure due to the lack of distribution platforms. We are creating a space for gamers and studios to explore a new territory bursting with consumer interest.”

It's unlikely that any of their game adaptations would make it to consoles, and it appears that their focus for now is in the mobile space -- games that have a positive rating from the Apple App Store, Google Play, Steam or other portals, alongside positive critic reviews and enthusiastic community support.

But just in case they do decide to go the more conventional route, here are some video games that should -- and should never -- be porn-ified.

Don't Porn-ify: Madden NFL '17

EA Sports

I'm at least a little curious what Nutaku would do with this title. The NFL has 32 different teams with rosters of 53 players each. That's 1696 men who could be used in any way Nutaku can dream up. We always compared football players to gladiators, so maybe it's time we make them do other activities that were popular in Ancient Rome?

Why It Won't Work

Given the present state of the NFL, I think the best case scenario is to remind their fans about sex as little as possible.

Don't Porn-ify: Super Smash Bros.

The whole premise of the Super Smash Bros. franchise is to knock opponents off of platforms. There's even a time limit. Does it really make sense to have these characters seduce each other, wasting precious "smash" time with kissing or, god forbid, fingering?

Why It Won't Work

The manual for Kirby's Dream Land clearly states he's a "little boy," so if I was Nutaku I wouldn't touch this with a ten-foot pole.

Don't Porn-ify: Tomb Raider

You don't have to Google search long to realize there's a demand for "Lara+Croft+Porn" out there. She's an archeologist and adventurer who travels the world looking for artifacts. She's like if Indiana Jones was born as Diana Jones. I get it.

Why It Won't Work

Tomb Raider games are truly great and worth finishing. And we should learn valuable lessons from the porn we already have. For instance: If there were sex scenes in the new Rise of the Tomb Raider, no one would play past the 15 minute mark.

There are, however, some games that could use the NSFW treatment. For instance...

Porn-ify: Grand Theft Auto Series

Rockstar Games

Whether you're in Vice City or Los Santos, each game since Grand Theft Auto III already featured prostitutes. In the games you can simply honk your horn and they'll hop in to take your money. (Fun fact: The game won't let you pick up a prostitute while riding a bike).

Why It Could Work

At this point they're already selling sex. They just aren't showing sex. Honestly, I think we should all write letters to the Bureau of Consumer Protection about this.

Pornify: Myst

I'm stuck with so many memories of playing Myst on my older brother's now-ancient Macintosh. Was it a rewarding game? Sure. It was really beautiful for it's time, and it was full of truly interesting stories and puzzles. But it was BORING.

Why It Could Work

What if your character, The Stranger, is stuck on the island with a bunch of hot babes? Then you could take breaks form the boring puzzles to have sex with the hot babes. It's like Myst, but with a Dead or Alive side-task. Just an idea!

Porn-ify: Wii Sports Resort

YouTube

Don't lie to yourself. You were just as excited about the Wii as everyone else. And no game used the Wii remote and nunchuck's motion sensors as well as Wii Sports Resort. From table tennis to bowling, Wii Sports Resort showed us a glimpse of a world where we didn't have to go outside to play sports.

Why It Could Work

Why not show us a glimpse of a world where we don't have to go outside to hook up? This is what people really want to do at resorts anyway. You ever been to a resort? Those tennis courts are empty.