April 14, 2012

I wake up in the early morning next to her and lie here awake, sensing her nearness. She radiates warmth and breathes steadily. I sit up in the darkness, peering over her black form at the clock. 3:59 AM.

I slide to the edge of the bed and dangle my legs over the side. She stirs in her slumber and I pray that I don’t wake her up. I sit there hunched, listening to her breathing, before getting up quietly and padding out of the bedroom with a feeling of relief.

My bare feet pick up sand and dust from the smooth floor as I walk into the darkened kitchen. I run my palm over the soles of my feet to brush off the unpleasant grittiness. Outside the window, the streetlights hum and spew forth an unnaturally brilliant orange wash. Parked cars on the street gleam sleekly. I wonder how often people must wash their cars to keep them so immaculate.

A couple strolls by arm-in-arm on the sidewalk, laughing and talking loudly at each other. I bite back a feeling of revulsion at them, at their drunken carousing. Enjoying the good life, heading somewhere private to press their genitalia together, fait accompli. These are not my people. I feel no affinity towards them. And it bothers me.

I envy them. Their position in the world seems certain. I want to be certain like they are. But I can never be satisfied. I can’t enjoy my happiness. I can never be carefree.

I run my fingers along the counter, feeling the cool surface beneath them. I know this. I know this room. I know these objects. My mind wanders to her, sleeping in the bedroom. She is safe. I hold all the cards. I grasped at her to clutch at the escaping concept of belonging.

Two years ago I started on this path. No, I was always on this path. I did not know it at the time, but this was written in my mind from the moment I was aware of having one. I was constructed by a broken god.

The only option is to let my fate play out the way it will.

If you ever felt that you didn’t belong, that you existed in a society that abandoned you, that there had to be a place for you yet never found it, then you need to listen to what I am going to say.