Sunday, July 27, 2014

The name of the blog may be What to Expect When You Are NOT Expecting, but what happened this week was completely unexpected. This week I was provided with an opportunity to film an interview with Ann Nyberg of WTNH here in New Haven, CT to air on her program, Nyberg. Being able to openly and candidly discuss my most sensitive feelings and topics in the comfort of my own home is far easier than sitting across from a news anchor I admire and share my story for viewers to see.This was a whole new playing field. Similiar to a minnow moving out of the comfort of his small fish bowl to a 30 gallon tank, all I could do was remind my minnow self to keep swimming. I was so extremely nervous for the two weeks leading up to it that I contemplated canceling the interview on several occasions. I am a writer, not a speaker. The more I debated, the more the profound, deep words of one of my favorite philosophers ran through my mind. Eminem's lyrics spoke to me. "You only get one shot, one opportunity, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime." Okay, so he may not be a philosopher, and I may not rapping down 8 mile rocking a sweet bleached buzz cut; but this week I was able to feel and live the words of Eminem for a brief hour. This was my opportunity to share my story with others, to allow myself and my story to be heard. This writer was given a chance to turn my written words into spoken ones; a chance to allow my writing to speak for itself.

Whether it is written or spoken, my story was heard. I was able to remain calm and fought back the tears that welled up during the interview as I did not want to appear too emotional, but I was, I am emotional. I courageously blinked the tears back and spoke about my blog as I attempted to emotional detach myself from the topics we were discussing. Having the support of my husband next to me, and hearing him speak of how he felt proud of me, and how strong I have been during all of this made me admire him and our experience even more. This "situation", our road to becoming parents is tough, but we are tougher. Our bond is stronger and we will be parents one day.

I used to wonder why this happened to me, and why I had to experience these situations. Life doesn't happen to you, sometimes it happens FOR you. This blog is my story, my deepest and most painful truths, but this blog is also other women's story. The purpose of this blog started as a therapeutic outlet for me, a way to release all of the emotions that IVF and surrogacy brings, but it has become something more. Something I didn't see coming, but sometimes the best things in life are unseen. This blog has become my silver lining to IVF and surrogacy. My mom always stressed the importance of finding the silver lining in any situation. This blog allows me to use my pain, suffering and struggle and turn that into a way to help other women going through this. To remind them, and myself, that we are not alone in this. That what we are feeling and what we are going through is unfortunate, but its not what you go through but how you go through it that matters. If this blog can demonstrate to other women that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes its just a longer tunnel than others. Or sometimes you need support to help you see that tiny glimmer of light at the end. It is there, I promise. My story is living proof that even in the darkest times, there is a light, a ray of hope at the end; just keep walking.