Thursday, June 2, 2011

Love is awesome and awful at the same time. Yeah that's something we've heard in songs, poems, stories our whole lives, and until now I've never really thought of love as a bad, gut wrenching, painful kind of thing.

But not being able to say "I will be with you forever" is painful when it crosses your mind every so often.

You take people's access and availability for granted but when you really think about what it would be like to not have them there, you wonder if it was even worth it at all. To tell them so much about you, every birthmark, every scar, every heartbreak, every family story. Your dreams and your stupid fantasies. Those embarrassing moments and childhood memories that are you. Your insecurities and your favorite shirt. The nail polish you like and your favorite book. When that person knows your panicked voice and doesn't mind being yelled at when you're PMSing, then you get scared. Because no one else has gotten that close. Because it's hard to tell anyone everything about you. Because only a special person can handle every aspect and flaw. And you wonder what if..... what if they stopped loving me. If they died.

They would have all of you and you'd be alone. And you realize you would have no one to call when you're scared of the dark. So why did you go and give so much in the first place, when nothing in this world is guaranteed, nothing lasts forever. (except God if you're being literal)

I would crumble, and I'd fall apart. I would probably eat a lot for a while, because at that point, food would be the only thing that completely understood me. It would be awful, yes. But when I thought back to when I asked if it was worth it, I would always say Yes because for some amount of time, someone stayed on the phone when I cried, and someone loved me.