drunk

It’s early this Saturday morning. Our puppy, Jiggy, always wakes me to let me know he needs to go out so that he can potty. So, I get up and let him and his best friend Esther, our other dog, go out to do their business. I usually let them stay out a bit to give them time to “git er done” and to play outside. While they do that I normally go back to bed for more sleep.

Today, Jiggy woke me earlier than normal for the same reasons and I did my usual deed. They, though, started barking their fool heads off. Concerned that the neighbors would like to sleep in this morning, I crawled back out of bed to let them back in the house. I didn’t feed them yet but I did give them a dog biscuit and put them back in their kennels.

It was nice for a while, maybe 5 minutes and then Jiggy let me know that he wasn’t happy in the kennel this morning and would not let me or my wife sleep until I let him out of the kennel to play with Esther.

While I lay there I started thinking on how my life has changed since MS has reared it’s ugly head. I know that I am a little harder to live with now. God bless my wife because she is the one who is catching my mood swings and all the other things that make me think I am an asshole. Well, I do feel that way. A positive outlook is what has always made me a nice guy, but here lately it would seem that positivity only comes by every so often.

Stress, at any level is something that will take me over the edge quickly. By that I mean, the need to make a decision on something as simple as whether or not to wear a blue t-shirt or a grey one today. Throw in a third option and I feel like my brain has left me in the middle of a raging sea without even a life vest to keep me afloat. I get so confused as to which way to swim or how to swim that I feel panicked and I can’t do anything. I can feel the stress growing inside of me and sometimes I feel like I am having trouble breathing. Mostly it feels like my brain is trying to figure things out but that feels like it has been sealed up like a mummy and can’t move. It’s like their is no room for my brain to open its file drawers, much less actually retrieve a file and lay it out on a table to see what is there. There is no room for anything. I can’t even get to my files! I am a computer whose hard drive has reached capacity and can’t do anything.

They say that MS is an unpredictable disease and it affects everyone differently. Oh, there’s also not a cure. For me, it seems that strangling my brain is going to be my lot. There is medication that will help slow the process of the disease, but I can’t afford it and my insurance won’t cover it. Thank God that I have excellent health insurance. Imagine where I would be if I couldn’t pay ungodly amounts of money to my insurance company every month. Wow! I would probably buy that medicine and maybe live a normal life! But this is America and that ain’t the way it works.

In America nothing works. It’s like an air conditioner on a hot day that has a short in the circuitry and it only comes on for a minute and then shuts off for a few more hot and muggy days. Well, why don’t I fix it? It’s because I don’t have the money to pay for a repair man and I don’t know anything about electronics.

The United States Congress is like that. This country is broken and no body wants to fix it. Instead of fixing it like a responsible human would, our Congress is more concerned with how they are going to line their pockets. It doesn’t matter which side of the aisle they sit on. It’s all the same country and it is in dire need of being fixed. But these people, our Congressmen aren’t concerned with the good of the country. They are more loyal to lobbyists than they are to the citizens of this country. They are going to carry on this childish bickering until its too late and this becomes a world wide crisis. Just make a decision. Isn’t that what we hired them to do? The U.S. Congress is impotent.

So, I’m caught up in this boat with all of you. I feel most of the time like I am a little drunk and it’s not because of alcohol. It’s because of the MS. I need to fix it but can’t. I need to get the medicine that will slow it’s progression, but I can’t. Did I mention that my wife is also having to suffer through my impotence because of MS? I really have the best wife in all the world. I feel like I can’t make a decision on what to do. I feel like a U.S. Congressman.