This week on Vanderpump Rules it’s a tale of two parties – which means costume time! You know the Vanderpump rule that says the cast must always dress in costume at every possible occasion. The parties are for Stassi and Ariana who will be celebrating their birthdays separately. We begin with Stassi who is turning 29 and having a murder and death themed party as she says goodbye to her 20’s, next year. Stassi explains when she dies, she wants to be stuffed like a dead animal and placed in a photo booth. Weekend at Stassi’s anyone?

Ariana is turning 32. Her theme, because of course there must be a theme, is Kings and Queens. Ariana takes the girls shopping for things that kings and queens wear and shares with them that her vagina has an “under construction” sign hanging at its entrance. Nobody’s going in our out. The girls are all shocked, but say nothing because they would never admit this.

Over at the future sight of club TomTom, the Tom’s are waiting to see if the permits have been approved. Lisa and Ken arrive to deliver the news. Right away Lisa can smell alcohol on the boys and learns they made it rain with the triplets at a strip club the night before. Katie has no idea, and most likely, Ariana is relieved. Anyway, good news, the permits were approved. Sandoval hasn’t been this happy since he broke up with Kristen. The guys write a huge check to Lisa and Ken, but ask that they not cash it until the end of the month.

It’s therapy time! We join Ariana as she meets her new therapist for the first time. It’s a female therapist with an accent I can’t place, but she seems capable of delving into the complicated mind of Ariana. They begin with Ariana’s harsh self-criticism and how it has amplified because her ex-boyfriend tried to gas-light her about her vajayjay. That stinks! Who does that? No wonder Ariana needs help. She explains that Sandoval is her romantic partner and her life partner, but not her family partner or her sex partner because no one’s touching her vagina. Just saying, I’m no therapist, but Ariana is obsessed with her vajayjay.

James, Lala, Brittany, and Schwartz arrive at Ken ad Lisa’s animal farm of exotics to discuss World Dog Day which is in opposition to the Yulin Dog Meat Festival. The SURvers are told what they’ll be doing and then Lisa says she will not be attending Ariana or Stassi’s separate parties because she has a life. The meeting is over, but Lisa asks Brittany to hang back so she can slam Jax. Brittany is to deliver the message that Jax is not allowed to go to World Dog Day because he is being punished for peeing on the carpet.

Over at Tom and Ariana’s apartment, Tom makes a fabulous birthday breakfast. He asks about therapy and Ariana says she’s a work in progress. Tom says there’s nothing wrong, except their non-existent sex life. Ariana says sex is no longer new or fun anymore. Oh the horror. How do people get past the three-year mark anyway? The two argue whether Ariana had multiple orgasms back in the day, but it doesn’t matter. Ariana isn’t feeling it anymore.

Stassi, Kristen and Katie are getting ready for the party and dressing up as hot, dead sluts with bullet holes and bleeding eyes. Katie shares that KevinLee brought a big ass bouquet of flowers – almost as big as hers – and an apology. Then Kristen tells the girls her boyfriend Carter was being an ass the other day. Stassi joins in and says Patrick is unable to deal with her emotional neediness. Gratuitous bonding time over.

Jax stops over at Sandoval’s place since Brittany went to Stassi’s party without him because he’s afraid of those women. Tom can’t decide what to wear. He literally has too many costumes. So he puts on creepy blue serial-killer contacts and a magician’s jacket. Brittany calls Jax to tell him he’s not allowed to go to World Dog Day and see all the hot bitches. Jax is gob smacked why Lisa hasn’t gotten over this by now, it was so last week.

First we go to Ariana’s party where Lala is wearing a bathing suit with a fur coat and fur shoes. Don’t know what that says about kings and queens, but Lala can wear what she wants. Sandoval has out done himself. His new costume is Part Cruella de Vil part Maleficent, and he nearly upstages the birthday girl, Queen Ariana, who is dressed as an Oscar award.

Over at Stassi’s party, things are pretty dead, and that’s not the theme, nobody’s there. Pizza with ranch dressing anyone? How gourmet of her. Finally people are showing up. Peter presents a bottle of champs from Lisa and Ken and Stassi’s thrilled it’s not her own severed head. Patrick makes an appearance and it’s clear dressing up like a five year old is not his thing. Talking about his solo trip to Amsterdam is his thing! Stassi feels like she’s walking on egg shells, so the only thing to do is Jaeger-bombs because obviously.

Back at the real party, it’s time for Ariana to open gifts, for James to pretend like he’s into his girlfriend Raquel, and for Jax to hit on Billie. Sandoval pledges to Ariana that from now on she will be his number one. And he probably still didn’t get laid. After Ariana announces she will not be awarding anyone with a crown because they are all her kings and queens, Jesse Montana sings a song about, get this, Kings and Queens. How’s that for a coinky-dink!

Trouble is brewing back at Stassi’s party. Katie and Kristen have a heart to heart with Patrick and he explains that it’s cool with him if Stassi bangs other dudes, she just can’t date them. At first, I thought, He DID NOT just say that, and played it back. The moron did. So she can do the dirty with other guys, as long as she doesn’t get to know the guys. What a catch Patrick is?

Katie tries to get Stassi to take a butt-shot from the stripper, but Stassi isn’t feeling it because she’s hopped up on Adderall and Tequila, and probably senses that her boyfriend said something really dumb. Stassi runs out of her party. Katie, in her matronly dress, and Kristen, follow her, trying to make sense out of Stassi’s meltdown. Here’s her explanation: It’s my birthday and I’ll be a bitch if I want to. Stassi flips off her friends and leaves behind her mom, her brother, and her boyfriend. Katie and Kristen don’t run after her for once, so that’s something to celebrate.

It’s World Dog Day! Brittany’s dog Monroe wins the totally rigged dog contest. He’s such a cutie! The other SURvers gossip about Stassi walking out of her own party and then Lisa and Brittany dis Jax some more. Meanwhile, Katie’s pissed off because she got stuck with the $1400 bar tab because of Stassi. I’d be pissed too.

Stay tuned this season because someone else may be pregnant, yet again, and Jax has a major meltdown, yet again, and then he and Brittany fight, yet again.

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