Week 37

I’ve finished working! Which of course brought about a round of emotions last night at dinner. I can’t recall the last time I straight up didn’t work for 4+ months. I must have been about 10 years old. As soon as I finished my last client yesterday, I felt a wave of “What in the heck am I supposed to do now?”

Of course, I have a long list of things I need to get done before the baby comes. After the baby comes, that list dissolves into all the things that are completely imminent! Breast feeding. Burping. Swaddling. Rocking. Catching whatever sleep I can. Rinsing and repeating until something changes in the overall baby scheme and I have to reformulate my parenting style completely. Intellectually, I am aware of all of this. I’ve read about 100 books and talked to at least 100 moms. I’ve got all the stories, all the supplies, and all the information. Of course, I have no real knowledge of what having a newborn will actually BE like, because I have never had a newborn. I’m looking forward to experiencing something altogether new, but am of course a little apprehensive about being the best possible parent I can be.

My mother suggested recently in a facebook comment that it’s ok to be scared. I immediately felt defensive! Defensive is my go-to emotion whenever anyone suggests that I am, in any way, vulnerable. Goodness forbid I should appear to be vulnerable! Luckily, I am able to afford being self-aware, and was thus able to step back from my defensive stance and investigate. Am I scared? I don’t really think I am. I don’t think that’s why I’m crying here and there, all overwhelmed with emotion. Frankly, I think I’m crying here and there because my hormones are peaking with impending babyhood…. but that’s not to say that the emotions that are coupled with the hormones are anything but totally viable. I am emotional because my time alone with my husband as my only immediate family (side note: my parents and siblings are technically immediate… but live 3k miles away. This is less… immediate. Obviously). I am emotional because I have no idea what the life ahead of us will be like. On a lesser scale, I am emotional because I missed the Wedding Present perform Bizzaro at The Crocodile the other night (alas, I am too pregnant for shows right now) and because I can no longer just skip out into the city to catch shows or grab drinks at bars. I am emotional because I might never have visible abs again. Everything is changing! When you can afford to be self-aware, you can’t help but well-up a little with emotion.

I’ve said it before, many times. Pregnancy is a long time. A whole lot happens in 40 weeks! There is a whole process that we have gone through as a family to prepare us for the next step. I’m not feeling emotional because I haven’t prepared myself for life on baby island. I’m 34 years old and filled with all the love and capability that is necessary. Arguably, I am a fantastic candidate for a mothering job. I’ve worked out all my kinks, gotten jollies in my career, let the ants in my pants make me break dance, lived in several desirable cities, and generally ensured that I’m not going to freak out and wonder if there was something I didn’t DO before building a house on baby island. I’ve got a solid loving relationship with a partner who is a fantastic candidate for a fathering job. I’m also seasoned enough to know that I’ll DO plenty more as my child grows and my family progresses. I’m ready. But until the time comes and the whole transformation occurs- I am over here feeling grateful, reflective, and emotional.