Friday, March 20, 2009

I am a fan of air hockey, regular hockey, and fighting, so this cartoon appeals to me in many ways. I like the general concept that since hockey leads to fights, if you're playing air hockey your fight would logically consist of trying to blow each other down. (The last word in that sentence is the most important.)

People who are not fans of hockey often question why there is so much fighting. It is not gratuitous, as is often surmised, it actually serves an important purpose. A good friend of mine some years ago came up with a theory about this that I've adhered to ever since: Hockey is arguably the most difficult sport in the world to play as it requires very high levels of disparate skills.

1. You must change direction quickly and constantly while standing on ice2. You have knife blades strapped to your shoes3. You must control a rock-hard disk moving at lightening speed on a slippery surface with a bent stick4. You are being pushed and slammed into by other knife-shoe-wearers covered in armor traveling at very high speeds

It's sort of like combining surgery with dodge 'em cars. Just when you're about to suture that aorta closed, somebody slams into you from behind and ruins the whole thing. Again.

Doing all of this at once is very difficult and, by definition, very frustrating. Every now and then you have to blow off some steam. So the refs let the surgeons swing away at each other for a few seconds before they break them up. Then they send them each to a little room (penalty box) to think about what they've done or take a short nap.

Leaving the topic of hockey fights behind, I just noticed a grievous error in the art of this cartoon. The perspective on the hockey table is way off. The brown outside border of the table is more or less in line with itself, but the three black lines in the middle of the table are hideously askew. That's very unlike me to not notice and fix such a visual faux pas, but perhaps I was in a hurry or drunk. Or maybe one of my hockey pals was slamming me against the boards while I tried to work. Anything is possible at Bizarro International Headquarters.

I believe George Carlin had the definitive take on the heterogeneous nature of hockey. I quote: "Hockey is three activities going on at the same time: ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the sh*t out of somebody. Now if these guys were intelligent at all, they would do these things one at a time. First you go ice skating, then you play with a puck, then you go to the bar and beat the sh*t out of somebody."

Why is it that referees don't get into a fight once in awhile? They can't agree on every call. I don't advocate fighting but it would be worth the price of admission just to watch two ref's throwing hay makers at each other.