The Adventures of Luigi Vampa - EPISODE 1:"Wine Is Fine, But Liquor Makes You Violent" or "Put Down

The noise coming from behind the walls of the Cat's Lair Tavern was especially loud on this warm Summer evening. Whenever there was a ruckus of this proportion at such a lower class establishment Luigi Vampa, a man of excellent taste and dizzying powers of deduction knew it meant one of two things. Either the barkeep was giving out free liquor or his old friend Aramir was making friends as usual. Knowing the financial sensibilities of tavern owners it narrowed the odds substantially.

Luigi slightly quickened his pace towards the entrance, and upon reaching the door, heard a loud crash come at the glass behind him. Turning he saw a bloodied sailor hanging half way out the window with a toothless grin on his face. Luigi, being the type of man who enjoys a good scuffle, rushed inside. Unfortunately he didn't see the empty wine jug coming at his head and as a result it hit him square in the temple. Although a bit stunned he did see the heavy wooden chair that followed it through the air. Acting in a nick of time he dove over the bar crashing onto the floor next to a frightened barkeeper who seemed more afraid of Luigi's intentions than of the chaos raging on the other side of their shelter. The sound of glass breaking and fists hitting flesh continued as Aramirs voice rumbled through the tavern.

"RAAAAAA!!! I AM ARAMIR!! LEGENDARY WARRIOR!! WHO DARES FACE ME NEXT!!" The drunken warrior belted with his helm on crooked nearly covering his left eye.

"E's been at this fer tha be'ter part of twenny minutes aye'd say" The barkeeper whispered to Luigi.

"What and no guards have come to help? I thought that the government protection in such a reputable city as Britain would be taking care of such trouble" Luigi joked with a sly yet knowing grin.

"Don't worry my friend, I will handle this situation with the professionalism and perfection I am known for" Luigi said as he stood from behind the bar.

Aramir, with a broken table leg in hand, turned aggressively towards him. Waving it at Luigi and then directing his attention towards the patrons who were already knocked out on the floor around him, Aramir kicked at one of the beaten sailors who was still managing to move and then looked back to Luigi.

"YOU WISH TO CHALLENGE THE MIGHT OF ARAMIR THE GREAT?!" He said with an air of arrogance that only came from him when too much alcohol was combined with too few available women.

"If Aramir is so great why is his helm on crooked and his armor covered in rust? A new fashion for great warriors perhaps?" Inquired Luigi.

"THE CONDITION OF MY ARMOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW EASILY I WILL CRUSH YOU...BOY!" Aramir said, his confidence noticably shaken.

"This is true, very true, but a REAL warrior would perhaps vanquish his foes with a sword of some sort no? Surely not a broken table leg from such a filthy and disgusting tavern as this."

Luigi kicked him in the ribs gently as Aramir looked down at the table leg in his hand with a frown that only children get after dropping their candy in the dirt.

"Your right. I'm nothing, a sorry excuse for a warrior. I can't even find decent Orc killing work nowdays." Aramir mournfully groaned as he sat in one of the few chairs skill not broken.

Luigi hopped over the bar and walked towards his depressed friend, "come now Aramir, that is why I have come looking for you. I need your help and thus you will have a job no?" He said as cleared a path through the rubble to get to where his friend was sitting.

"Come with me, we will get you cleaned up and talk about your future employment in the morning, or late afternoon depending on how bad of a hangover you have".

Aramir stood and put his arm around Luigi's shoulder as they walked out together, before they could make their exit the barkeep who now seemed even more confused than before, demanded payment for the damages.

"Ow in tha name a Bla'thowrn's ghost ama gonna pay fa awl this 'ere damage?!" He yelled at the two.

Luigi reached into his change purse and tossed a healthy sum of gold coins to the man who was an obvious emotional wreck.

"That should cover everything my friend has broken. Good day to you Sir" he said as the two of them made their exit into foul smelling Britain air.

"I'll pay you back, I broke a lot of things in there, as soon as I get money I'll pay you back" Aramir slurred.

"Don't worry about it, I took the money from his cash drawer after I dove behind the bar" Luigi laughed.

With this the two friends headed to the local Inn and settled down for the night. Luigi began to explain the job he needed Aramir for, however he was not halfway finished before the loud snores from his friend let him know that it was time for bed. With a sigh, he leaned over, put out the candle on the nightstand and placed his head on the pillow. The morning would be the beginning of great things for him, or so he hoped.

***NEXT TIME***
The Adventures of Luigi Vampa - EPISODE 2: "Prisoners, Pirates, And Guards Oh My!" or "I Went To Yew And All I Got Was This Stupid Arrow In My Leg"

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