G Marks the Spot?

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now and all is well—except that I can never reach orgasm through vaginal penetration. The closest I think I have gotten was by fingering. I get full-body waves of pleasure, feel like I have to pee and sometimes I even cry. It will get so intense that I will either tell him to stop or I will try to relax and just go with it, but nothing ever seems to happen. I also don’t know what to expect, so that doesn’t help either. Please help!—Desperately Seeking Somethin’

Despite what movies and porn have taught us, the majority of women can’t orgasm from just vaginal penetration, so you’re not alone.

What you describe feeling from fingering sounds a lot like someone on the verge of orgasm. It’s a little different for everyone, but some women have a strong emotional reaction and orgasms are often described as waves of pleasure because of the contractions you experience during them.

Fingering can give great G-spot stimulation, and it can get really intense, even if you don’t reach orgasm. Reaching orgasm is really all about knowing what you need and when. For example, the intensity and not being able to continue could just be an issue of how much physical pressure your partner uses when he fingers you.

In terms of knowing what you need, your question had a major red flag for me: that you don’t know what to expect. I’m guessing this means you don’t know if you’ve ever had an orgasm. If that’s the case, I think masturbating alone using clitoral stimulation is the best place to start.

When you’re alone, you’re able to focus more on what feels good and what you want without any pressure, which is the best environment to reach orgasm in. Masturbation is one of the most amazing ways to get to know your body and if you know how to make yourself cum, it’s a lot easier to get there with a partner.

Once you know what to expect, you can figure out how to make it happen in different ways. If your goal is really to work towards being able to have orgasms during penetration, there are a few things to consider. Many women find they can only consistently have orgasms from clitoral stimulation, either alone or with penetration.

Many women who have penetrative orgasms also mainly get them from certain positions that offer stronger clitoral and/or G-spot stimulation, like if you’re on top and leaning forward, or if you’re in missionary and your partner pushes his pelvis down, making his pubic bone hit your clit.

You or your partner can also manually rub your clit in certain positions to get you there. Some women who can orgasm just from penetration find it easier if they start with a clitoral orgasm during foreplay, because having an orgasm relaxes your body and can make you more sensitive to touch. There’s also less pressure to actually orgasm since you already have.

For other women, getting themselves right to the edge without orgasm during foreplay also works so that they’re really turned on and ready to orgasm when penetrated.

Whatever you want to try out, remember that our bodies all work differently and there’s no wrong way to orgasm. Many of us are brought up with the unrealistic expectation that penetration equals orgasm, and that creates a lot of unnecessary pressure.

Relax, forget all expectations and get to know what really gets you off. Even if you try everything and can’t orgasm from penetration alone, you’ll probably discover something you like even better.

Submit your questions anonymously at sex-pancakes.tumblr.com and check out “Sex & Pancakes” on Facebook. Need some extra help? You can always contact Concordia Counselling & Development at 514-848-2424 ext. 3545 for SGW and ext. 3555 for Loyola. Got a quick health question? Call info-santé at 8-1-1 from any Montreal number.