Lumping along

So, I’m still here. This post is just a bunch of random stuff, pregnancy ramblings and whatever else floated to the top while I was typing. Feel free to skip, it won’t hurt my feelings. 🙂

We’ve registered (not done, but much closer), I physically went in Babies R Us and on my second try stayed long enough to accomplish things. The first try ended up in grabbing newborn diapers, wipes, infant socks and running for the car after 15 minutes. I’ve come a long way baby.. I have another cold, but in the grand scheme of things I’m fine. The rat’s fine, D’s fine – things are clinically and emotionally stable. For now.

I say again – for now.

It’s not that I’m so confident in the universe and my reversal of fortune that I think I’m bullet proof. I feel safe in this pregnancy, and yet not safe. Every single day thoughts cross my mind, what I would do if “X ” happens, if this baby doesn’t make it for whatever reason. If I proceed as if everything’s fine and it ends up not being so, what would I do with all that stuff? I make backup plans for every eventuality, ever the infertile at heart. I just can’t bear the thought of not being prepared, even in some small way for being blindsided. It’s happened too many times.

I saw the RE for the last time, and the contrast in mood between the regular OB’s office and his is huge. The OB’s office, everyone takes everything for granted and complains – people decorate nurseries at 10 weeks. The RE’s office, people ask “are you getting excited” at 30 weeks. They so get it – not being able to celebrate something, not trusting, living with the fear.

But in spite of that, at some point I started planning, dreaming just a little bit – because I think eventually you have to. Whatever happens, I just couldn’t continue being that frightened. I wanted to have faith for this baby, as well as myself. I didn’t want her to feel how scared I was (am). So I push those thoughts to the back of my mind every day, and carry on. Because I can’t do it any other way. I go to the prepared birth classes, look through name books, complain (but not much) when she decides to lay sideways. I keep the blackness at bay however I can, and I cannot imagine the basket case I will be when I see her.

I’ve got these prenatal yoga tapes that I’ve found really, really helpful – Anna Getty’s Divine Motherhood series. Pre and post-natal workouts.
She makes comments throughout the workout, but one in particular just hits me right between the eyes – I sometimes end up crying through the relaxation at the end. Something about the miracle of creating life within you, I can’t recall the exact line now. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so damn infertile. It’s supposed to be a peaceful moment between you and your baby, you’re both in this together yada yada. Just another something special, brought to you by infertility – the gift that just keeps on effing giving when you least expect it.

All this to say, it seems the roller coaster ride doesn’t stop once you get pregnant. It’s just a different roller coaster – not that I’m saying anything new, everyone probably already knew that but me. Just my own monkey-touch-the-monolith-moment….. 😉

You are so right. The roller coaster never ends, the path just changes.

Glad you are able to dream a little bit. And hopefully, with time, you will be able to dream a bit more. I remember when I finally got the crib and standing with the box as I waited for Mr. W to pull the car up. I wondered if we were jinxing the pregnancy (I think I was about 32 weeks at the time). And realizing that it just felt good to be able to buy it and know that we had a fairly good chance of using it. And tearing up, trying not to cry so that the people around me wouldn’t think I was some crazy pregnant woman.

Your post hit a spot with me. Take for example yesterday, I went out and bought a couple of baby clothing items, then I get home and google ‘chance of survival st 27 weeks’. It’s like you know you have to plan and prepare but it feels unreal to be doing it, like you still don’t believe there is a happy ending waiting for you.

Well, people keep telling me there is to be a happy ending soon, and I will tell you the same. We just gotta have a little faith haven’t we?