LINKS TO THE PORT MANTEAU OF HORROR

Sunday, May 8, 2011

How To Make a Horror Host Pt.3: Commander USA!!!

Commander USA… Soaring Super Hero! Legion of Decency… Retired

“HOLY CATS!”

Coming to you live from a underground bunker beneath a mall in Jersey… Commander USA gave me some of the greatest movie experiences of my young life. I think I gained more of my preadolescent weight due to this show on Saturday afternoons. While the rest of the kids were out playing baseball or tag my nose was stuck exactly 4 and a quarter inches away from the television.

Would we call the Commander a true “horror host”? Maybe he didn’t dress like our spooky scary monster hosts, but he could host a motherfuckin’ show. He ran the gamut really from Sci Fi to Wrestling to schlock C and D grade pictures. It’s how you get your culture as a kid. You watch the most obscure movies possible no matter how pathetically bad. Somehow this makes you a more diverse person. It probably let’s you sit through at least half the Italian zombie flicks you enjoy today. Maybe a third of the Deoadato films as well (you’d have to wait until you were older to see the boobies and the gore of course). If it wasn’t for the Commander you’d probably miss all of Fulci’s borderline horror pictures.

Things we learned from Commander USA…

1. It’s ok to smoke cigars as long we use them to make our co-host/sidekicks.

2. Wearing a spandex leotard is acceptable with matching cape.

3. It’s ok to stare at the Microwave.

4. You can go on to have a successful television commercial after your show is discontinued on the USA Network especially for The Wiz which will go out of business in the near future as well.

Please see the attached resume for your consideration for this job as inspirer of young, dorky horror fans world-fucking-wide!

Jim Hendricks is a hero of mine. Jim Hendricks gave me a fraction of my sense of humor programming. In my Vaudeville Vampire days, he was featured in the song “Trick or Treat (Murder for Me)”. If you’re unlucky you’ll get to hear it someday. Maybe sooner than I would like (or you’d like for that matter).

From the bowels and brains of American International to the rib cage and eye sockets of Amicus, Doc Terror will write your eyes shut from the prehistory to the post apocalypse of horror.Doc Terror is a contributor to The Liberal Dead and The Dead Air Podcast.