Blind faith and ancient traditions keep Vatican fires ablaze...

For centuries the choosing of a new pope has followed long-standing traditions. The stove in the Sistine Chapel is customarily fuelled by the unread pleas of children abused by Catholic priests. There is generally enough paperwork to keep the fire blazing for days, while the Cardinals swap fashion tips (‘Mmmm, purple’), trade their most amusing child-molestation anecdotes, and raise a toast, in communion wine, to Jimmy Savile, ‘a role model for those paedophiles in the church who, even now, are wondering whether to come clean and repent or just brazen it out in some other parish’.

When the deed is done - grey smoke rising from the chimney, take-away pizza boxes emptied, another unworldly pen-pusher thrust into the papal limelight - the fire in the Sistine Chapel is doused by children’s tears. One bucketful generally does the job, allowing the important work of the Catholic church - the safeguarding of its own reputation, mostly - to continue as before...