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3.27.2014

sex talk

So I want to talk about a touchy, kinda personal subject but I think its something that needs to be discussed openly.

sex.

It's everywhere. It's all everybody is doing & talking about. If you're not having sex, something is clearly wrong with you, right?

WRONG.

Before I go on though, let me start by saying I like sex as much as the next person but what i'm talking about is something different.

Lets go back to when you were a virgin. Holding onto your virginity was a big deal & not something you gave away so quickly. In my first serious relationship I was with my boyfriend for 8 months before I gave it away. I mean it could've been longer but nowadays thats like forever to some people.

I feel like after you lose it, it all goes downhill from there. You're not so quick to hold onto it for so long when you're in a new relationship. You kind of have the mentality of 'fuck it, i've already done it once'....and I did have that mentality for awhile. Giving away the milk for free. I've talked about it before, how the old saying 'why buy the cow when you get the milk for free'...is true. Its so simple yet so hard to practice.

SO why do we feel like we have to give it up so easily? Now I know a lot of girls aren't like that & are pretty classy about it all, but I also know a lot of girls that give it up way too soon and they wonder why the guy starts to disappear after.

I understand what its like to get caught up in your emotions & the moment...been there done that too many times...but let me tell you this --- every relationship that started where I gave it up too quickly, never, ever, worked out. They either ended right away...& let me tell you that's a brutal feeling, or they lasted a few months....that in reality, was just a shitty game of cat & mouse.

Its frustrating & hard. Your heart takes a few beatings, thats for sure...but when things aren't working in my life and I keep getting the same result, I change it. Change can be tricky. Especially when you're so use to living a certain way. But I was tired of the same old shit, so I figured why not.

I decided that I wasn't going to be sexually intimate with anyone unless I was in a committed serious relationship. I talked about commitment the other day & how important it is to have one when you like someone...and as I reach the last year of my 20s I can't be fucking around anymore. I had some amazing times, but I also had some really hard times and I was done playing this game of cat & mouse.

We as women are such incredible creatures. We deserve everything we want. And feeling comfortable in your relationship & knowing he's not going to peace out on you when you give it up is something I know we all want. But in order to achieve that we have to be strong. We have to be able to say no and wait until we have that commitment before anyone gets to experience the amazingness of us. I know saying no can be hard but think about it this way, don't you want to be with the guy who respects you for saying no & willing to wait than the guy who gives you shit for it & makes you feel bad? I feel like by sticking to something so simple as saying no we can save ourselves from a lot more heartache & wasted time with someone who was not the one.

70 comments:

I love this perspective! I actually waited until marriage to have sex, and to some people that's craaaaazy and they thought I was missing out or something. Whether you wait for marriage, or wait for the right guy, or wait for the right time, waiting is so important! Because sex isn't just something fun that you do, it offers a deeper connection between two people. And you're right, a lot of guys take off after they've reached their conquest with you. Which is awful of them. The right guys will always be ok with waiting :)

I didn't wait until marriage originally, but before I started dating my now husband, I decided I was going to wait until I was married before I did again and I'm so glad I did! Even more important was that we were on the same page with that (and we dated for almost 5 years!!!). I think it is admirable to practice self-control in a day where we constantly get instant gratification. Good luck!

Excellent insight! It's so true. I wish I knew this when I was 21 years old and had the complete wrong idea of what guys wanted. It's so important to connect on all other levels with the person you're in a relationship with. It's not all about sex, and I wish TV and movies wouldn't make it seem that way all the time.

I think this is an awesome idea -- I feel like in relationships sometimes the physical connection(whether straight up sex or any other physical act) could distract from the rest of the relationship, in the sense that you may not notice or focus on issues that mean he's not the one for you, because you're focusing on the physical. I've watched people stay in relationships they never would've stayed in if there wasn't a physical connection. So feeling the bigger issues out first before you bring in the fun physical goodness sounds like a great idea!

As a happily married man I agree. A man who is after your heart will wait because you will both have the same end goal. A guy who is truly grown up will know when the forever woman has entered his life and will have no problem waiting until it's a mutually agreed upon decision. Sexual chemistry is so important and it is not to be ignored, but going all the way too soon is no way to solidify a connection between two humans and it normally ruins it. My wife and I were inseparable before our first time being together intimately and we became great friends first. In all of my playboy years of not ever waiting with a woman, she made me wait and this time I was happy to do so. I finally found the girl I would not only wait for, but I would do anything for her. We are still inseparable 8 years later and unlike our friends in sexless marriages we are high volume lovers even with a 6 year old. WAIT WAIT WAIT!

This is a great post. I really wish more women would consider closer their legs and opening their minds and hearts first. That's what I did. As a high school freshman, I found a guy I really liked and we started dating. He never pressured me, but I made it clear from the get-go that I didn't want to have sex right away.

We waited a year, and boy was my man patient, but it was worth it to wait unit l was comfortable. We ended up staying together for another 8 years and we are not happily married.

So there you go. Respect yourself enough to say no and the man will respect you, too. Bam!

I lost my virginity too young to someone I didn't really even like. After that I waited a long time before I did it again. But now, it's something I hardly even think about as intimacy...and there is something wrong with that. I needed this post.

What kind of committed relationship is there besides marriage? I mean, seriously? A serious or close relationship is SIMPLY NOT the same thing as one in which an ACTUAL, commitment is made, as it is done in marriage. "I'm with you as long as it's working out for me," even in a 'serious' relationship, is NOT a commitment. Marriage is a commitment, often made publicly to secure the additional backing and support of our friends and families. I think we need to be honest about this and stop pretending.

I have a stress management practice and one of the most astonishing things I've seen in working with people is that regardless of they are actually behaving in their own lives and regardless of the way they were raised, at their core (i.e. their intelligence or their spirit) they all believe that sexual relations belong within marriage. And, having sex outside of marriage is stressful to them because it's beneath their innate standards--which in turn leads to guilt feelings about sex that can even turn into a Pavlovian response such that when they eventually do get married and it's "ok" to have sex, they may still have guilt stress which can show up either as difficulty fully enjoying sex with their spouse, or as resentment toward their spouse for the guilt feelings they feel, or even a puzzling suspicion that their spouse doesn't really love them. I see this on a daily basis in both men and women. (MindBodyStressMgmt.com) I would never recommend that someone have sex outside of marriage. It's too great not to wait. ECR

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