Thursday, 15 December 2011

In the whirlwind that has been re-entry to the Planet Earth of work and life post surgery and chemo, I had my Big Party, and managed to shove Cancer beyond everyday worry. I haven't had a counselling appointment for a while, and have immersed myself in applying for a new job (that's going to be a post on Well, I Never, if I ever get over my crossness), and the demands of teaching 30 seven and eight year olds. Cancer was something that had happened to me, in my past, not worth the time to worry,
Oh, how wrong I was, as today's appointment loomed closer, I got more and more stressed. Sharp words were exchanged, I could not concentrate.
As I sat in the waiting area, which was uncharacteristically quiet, I was offered the customary hot drink and biscuits, I accepted gratefully. I had brought my book but was too restless to read. The department secretary took a call which clearly was about someone who had died. My anxiety rose. My name was called.
Dr M. greeted me with her usual cheer. I told her I felt very well (I do!), better in fact than I have done for a couple of years. She examined me, felt my neck and collar bone area. palpated my tummy, and said that all seemed well. We chatted a bit about my new granddaughter and the baby due very soon, and I said my goodbyes and left.
I should have been ecstatic. I am well, there is no evidence of active disease.
I cried, I fretted, I railed... I do not want to hear 'I'm well now' but still have years of worry and concern, the rest of my life in fact! I want to know CANCER will never come back. I know that can NEVER happen. Cancer moved back into my waking life again.
My day did not finish there though. I wrapped some Christmas presents. I looked at pictures of my granddaughters visiting Santa. I finally finished the work that had been dogging me. I took a long hard look at my life. Mr G came home and hugged me.
I shoved Cancer back where it belongs.
I took control of that which I can control and moved on. I acknowledged the pain and uncertainty, then I looked elsewhere. I chose to encircle myself with all the good things I have.
I am very glad to be well and alive.