Friday, November 5, 2010

Revenge, Sweet Revenge

Breaking up with a girl and then sleeping with her little sister isn't that bad.

Well, let me re-phrase that...it's bad, but in the general realm of all things revengeful, that ain't shit. As long as she's legal. LOL.

Living in a frat house for a year I've seen my fair share of revenge tactics be it filling a rival frats volleyball pit with concrete and not stopping a couch fire which miraculously started on its own, or witnessing my own frat brother M-Casa get a bucket of vomit thrown at him for replacing our boy Slater's Bottle of Makers mark with a concoction of 3 parts Makers Mark, and 1 part Slater's own urine. LOL. Don't ask.

Moral of the story is, a lot of people in recent history have done some fu*ked up things to me and my friends. Luckily for them, we've matured (LOL) ...OK, lets not get carried away.....We've outgrown this sort of behavior. That, however, doesn't make the previous stories any less funny. Ill give you the top 3 in no particular order. You rate em.

Milk of Magnesia:

Freshman year my boy Wizz HATED his roommate. I'm talking Dave Chapelle's Show Players Ball "hate, hate, hate!" type hate. Straight odio! We never knew why, but I myself suspected his roommate tried some gay "finger in the booty type stuff" when he was sleep. As Wizz is pretty much a gay guy now, I have to believe that story is untrue because it wouldn't make any sense. A finger in the poop chute would've made him the best roommate ever. PAUSE. LOL. Anyway, for whatever reason, he was pissed. His revenge tactic...?

SKEET. Yes, Skeet. Sperm, semen, undeveloped babies, man chowder, cauliflower soup. Where? On his roommate's toothbrush, in his roommate's lotion, in his roommate's toothpaste and in his roommate's shampoo and milk. WTF!!! That's just sadistic.

Anonymous: Ass. So I had to yell at the girl who burned me and tell her that now my GF probably has it too!!! WTF!

Show:What'd she say?

Anonymous: First she ignored my calls, then picked up and said "Whatever. It wasnt me. Get the Pills, you'll live." then hung up. I'm 100 % sure it was her!

Show: Call Maury. Or get her back.

Anonymous: Already in the works.

Since this was a "Drink my bread type ho" , always looking to abuse ones pockets the plan involved getting her slutty ass wasted at a bar and then going back to her place. When pretending to take the condom off and flush it, after doing the horizontal mambo, Anonymous would replace her shampoo with a pre-concocted mixure of 75% nair and 25% shampoo in the same type of Panteen Pro V bottle.

She would slowly lose her hair little by little each month...it would thin...it would come out in her hand in clumps....she would think she had cancer and cry herself to sleep each night. The end.

Cigarette Butts:

So we did a lot of messed up things during pledge...of course I'm talking about when I was already in the frat and not subject to "non-hazing" as I like to call it.

One thing we required pledges to do was carry around a box of Parliment lights at all times as that was what the brotherhood liked to smoke...that and making them carry around AfganiKush would just be illegal. Soooooooo....Slater didnt really like this idea, or his pledgemaster for that matter, and decides to rub all the Cigarettes on his sweaty balls and up his butt. PAUSE that.

After weeks of literally smoking butt, the brothers got wind of this (While i laughed hilariously because I don't smoke) and plotted revenge. Problem is, you can't fu*k with Ivy League Sickos and think no psychological warfare would be involved. The plan, executed ever so flawlessly, rip the pledges from their girlfriends on Valentines day...bring them in the basement dungeon...and, with the help of a bottle of warm lotion and dark lighting, make them believe that since they wanted to act like little bi*ches, they were all going to get skeeted on...just like little bi*ches.

I swear. The looks of anger , sadness, hurt, betrayal and despair were unparalleled when the black lights came on revealing the speckled brothers covered in the warm honey & lotion mixture. Even after, when the truth was told and the bowl of honey/lotion was revealed...the anger didnt go away, nor did the sadness. It was as if they had had their trust raped and violated...a piece of their souls were missing. Bitches.

Having a strictly hetero brother, husband, brother-in-law and friends... I would have to say the false nut one is the worse. WOW... I died laughing at that. I can't imagine how a man would feel sititng in the dark waiting to get skeeted on by a roomful of men. Just various... just... no!! I feel sorry for them, and their mothers. -____-