Written.

Sunday, 17 November 2013

To Miles 12

“I want to confess, Father.” I say as I enter the chapel, which is bigger than I thought it would be. And I want to confess that I want another man’s lips upon my own, which I will not say and instead I need to think of a lie, which is a sin, but if God were to exist, I’ve got enough sins and he’s been putting me through much to remind me that being gay is a sin.

I realize my appearence and I wonder if it’s innapropriate, I haven’t been in church and I’ve been avoiding the damn place and frankly the fact that a room was used in a ship full of homosexuals, it seems even ironic and there’s nothing holly about this place.

“I’m sorry, Father...” I rudely stop to hear his name, to address him properly.

“Father Ezra.” The priest smiles and nods for me to carry on, enetertained by the young man in drag.

“I’m sorry, Father Ezra for my appearence, I understand that God would not approve.” I say and instead Ezra just walks up to me, while I stood near the door and frankly I’ve been yelling across the damn room. He seems nice and not too holly as well, I’m sure the priest enjoys some romps on these floors or in his wee prayer room or wherever he can rest. I’m sure he’s had blowjobs while holding onto the bible, maybe even blessing a soldier or a battle which would lay ahead.

“Oh, no, son.” Son sounds weird, but he seems to be even older than Miles, so we’ve got the difference, but perhaps younger than Hince. “I do understand that the bible holds some things... which can be interpretated wrong, but you are doing this well, for fun. You’re not saying you are a woman and you hold no ill intentions.”

I smile. Sure, if he had been my priest instead of the one who spat excitedly as he would read the bible to me and Matt when we had still been dragged in. Matt had refused to go to church when I had told him I was a sinner and we’d just walk around the town, until we realized how bizarre we had looked and then we’d just be in his room, finding some comic books to read which had been either bought or borrowed. But soon enough we went to study, so it didn’t take too long.

He could’ve gotten me into religion if he had given me his cock back then and I see that well, he’s just... gay and that’s pretty much it or I’m assuming too much. He offers me a seat and I sit besides him and I look behind, knowing that anyone can pretty much barge in.

“...Do you have something more private, Father?” I ask and I lean slightly closer towards him. Oh, Father when was the last time you got laid?

Ezra just nods, motioning to the room behind the pseudo altar. I wonder if it’s a sin that I’ll be luring out the gay priest, because priests are above all and I’ll be killing God with his own damned men and frankly I’ve heard enough of God’s hate through the lips of millions. I feel a bit uncomfortable, knowing that most likely that’s where everything which is behind the scenes happens and I just get reminded of how the system works, whoever is above works his way through even more, something about Communism had its point about how everything worked, just that their theory seemed revolting, something which wouldn’t happen and locking themselves away with enormous power just to have Hitler soon hit the on the head, wasn’t too reassuring either, but then we are all going to be hit by the imbecile. The world in general is like Kafka’s Trial and you do get some fuck buddies along the way, only I haven’t been stabbed to death (it was stabbing in the end, wasn’t it?).

So I follow the priest and I wish I had longer hair which I could do something with, distract myself and fiddle, instead I can just undo the slicked back hair and try to pull it to look ridiculous, I guess despite me enjoying the job, there are a few downsizes. I mean, what is the point to forbid facial hair when you could pull something off, not that I can, but in general or the same hair length, sure we look like some bizarre kink of someone and I guess even just having men on a ship is already a kink, even if it’s not Hince’s.

We enter and I see his bunk bed and books covering the table, I see a lot in latin, so I can’t really judge them by it’s cover, so they might as well be some porn written in latin, I wonder if it is, I mean, you can easily get away with that. I know that Paul had slipped in some book in french and kept it at such and I had simply struggled with it, not even knowing how the fuck was cock in french.

I feel anxious, as I sit on the chair next to the table and so does he, fixing his collar and I wonder if he takes it all off or just lifts it up. I wonder what underwear he wears and if priests have special underwear, they do wear underwear, right?

I know nothing.

I had told Paul that I had known French which had brought up the book but frankly I knew shit even if I had a good grade all was done through me an Matt making notes and spending our time doing anything but French even fishing which involved doing nothing but it was hiding under the umbrella of 'fishing' where me and Matt slowly started discussing people we found attractive, leaving both of us uncomfortable. That's why I often question how people get good at languages by plain school knowledge.

So Paul had asked me if I enjoyed the sex scenes and I had said yes, as I had just flicked through four pages which he had noticed and I lied saying that I was rereading the amazing plot, which was a horrid lie as I had no young boy discovering his sexuality at a young age fetish, but point is, to Paul I still know French

Why hadn't we talked in French also made me doubt his French so we left it at such until Daniel had spoken to us in French and Matt had quickly dismissed it.

Of course I hung around the pilots and frankly they're all cocky assholes, something which I lack and had used to gotten friends as from a young age, being introduced to the neighbor's son Matt who from a young age wanted to be commander of the Air Force.

I try to distract myself as Ezra waits for me to confess and I just start playing with the skirt of my dress. I don’t know what to confess, frankly, I know where I’ve sinned and where can God forgive, but if I keep going on it’ll be an endless circle of me keeping Ezra (metaphor for sin) and sucking him off in the name of God, as afterwards he’ll kiss my forehead and we’ll apologize for sinning with the taste of dried cum in your mouths, lovely.

I wonder if Ezra kisses me if he’ll feel the taste of another man’s tongue.

But I know he won’t know that I had kissed Miles before hand or that we had fucked, everything to him will be horribly new and even exciting.

I don’t know how should I attack and Ezra still waits for me and I see him open the bible and I wonder if I should be the one doing things and how far should I push him, maybe I should take the fact that I was chosen as a compliment as usually Matt would be the one chosen to dance with girls, even if I wasn’t too interested in them, but I had still wanted to dance. In the end once me and Matt had danced in my room and looking back I wondered all this times how come we had never made out besides that one time, but then when you think nah, if it were me now, we’d be rolling on the floor

which we weren’t

and life is a constant waltz with tension, so I

I should do something, even if declines, he can still get reported, my arm won’t be twisted, his will be. It’s like choosing a random target to shoot at first, using the chance before you’re shaking.

“What is it?” Ezra had asked me and I can see that he’s tense, so I stand up and I go behind him, putting my arms on his shoulders and I feel like a rent boy all of a sudden, pleasing Hince, as if he would be watching and I wonder if he’d be jerking off to this as well, as I place a kiss on Ezra’s neck.

He doesn’t do anything. I just feel him tense up even more, but he doesn’t decline my lips as they start trailing kisses upon his neck and I let my hand stroke his chest over the fabric as I slide my hand down, roughly lifting the dark robe, unzipping his pants, frankly I didn’t want to see his eyes and I don’t think he wants to see mine.

I take his cock in my hand, biting his neck, traveling to his cheek and I break the barrier by pulling his head closer to my own and we kiss. It’s just a soft brush before Ezra deepens it and I start stroking him, trying to get Miles out and out of my head.

Should I still be doing this?

Should I still be jerking off a priest to one day say that I had jerked off someone who is a “virgin” to the public, law and God?

It feels to kiss him, it’s literally because there is a mouth on mine and I rub my tongue against his when he does and I just keep doing the same hand movements. Maybe I should’ve continued with Julian, but I can’t and I feel like I’m playing Russian Roulette with Julian until I get shot, otherwise there is no way out of it and the guns don’t seem to be loaded, but Julian’s is and we’re both committing suicide

wow, that sounded romantic

he dated Miles.

And I’m fucking a priest.

Ezra’s near and he pulls my lip and I feel bad that I am getting turned on, as he starts thrusting against my hand, his eyes still closed when I pull away from the kiss, yanking me back into it, but we just hold our lips.

I’m in love with someone else and I don’t even want Ezra to touch me even if well, sex always turns you on, someone else coming turns you on and I breathe heavier as Ezra comes on my hand. I kiss him lightly, hoping that he won’t do anything and we just pull away.

Ezra hands me a pack of tissues, fixes himself and doesn’t even bother to touch me, is that how he thinks he’ll remain a virgin. He takes out a box of cigarettes and matches, lights one and fully relaxed he looks up, breathing smoke in my face, him still shivering from the orgasm.

“What do you want to confess, son?” I just stare at him shocked and frankly with a big erection and I am thankful that I am still behind him and he is not interested in touching me, not even kissing me again. I watch him inhale deeply. “If it’s about homosexuality, I’d be punished so many years ago. God doesn’t give a damn, the people do.”

And I pause to look into his green eyes, he feels like he knows what he’s saying but then if God did think so, what was about to happen, wouldn’t happen to him.

“Everything is natural, all what God creates is meant to be. Even the pain we get for being gay.” He looks at me. “Son, you just make me cum, unless you’re having doubts about women. In which case, ah, whatever. What did you want to talk about?”

I wipe my lips off, the lipstick leaving trails of blood on my hand and Ezra holds the smoke in his mouth as I just head out of the private room, looking back to see Ezra shrug and continue flicking through the bible, as if nothing had happened and I close the door, happy to see no one. I guess I could pray, but I’m not sure I want to, not just because I have evidence on my right hand, but more like I don’t think it’s even about me being holy, it’s about God being holy or rather not being holy all of a sudden.

I simply leave to have more sailors punch me playfully, congratulate me and I just wait, not even bothering to fish anyone out, I just watch their amusement, tugging at my dress and adressing the rumors that I knew how to work with a needle and fabric. I feel fucked. I feel used.

I am used.

I-

-

And I've touched one of my favourite subjects to write about which is pretty much religion, church and sexuality (all we're missing is death here xD, but a lot of deaths lay ahead, so yeah? xD)

Initially I was planning for them to at least have basically some sort of… touching? But having Alex just jerk off Ezra seems more appropriate and in general, I liked the idea and I'm pretty obsessed with minor-esque characters here like Jack for instance, I still regret killing him off and who knows maybe Ezra will drag a bit for longer (I mean Julian is… still here >:D no seriously, it breaks my heart about Julian T___T) The chunk about french with Paul and the other pilots was actually written on my mobile after I had to hop off the train (I love writing on the train :3 :3 :3 no seriously, best thing ever xD) and I still had my thoughts so yeah:3 This chapter was supposed to end after Ezra asks Alex what does he want to confess, but I saw that it was short and frankly it is nano and I wanted to publish a chapter, so I ended up writing (got anxious about it as usual) but here it is :D and I should really sleep XDI hope you enjoyed it and thank you, feel free to request:3<3

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Writing just seems to be the form where examples are the simplest and situations the realest.

My frustration is the fuel which my characters face and just limiting the value of my writing to good prose is Kubrick cutting the end of A Clockwork Orange to make a shallow movie about violence.

My work is my anger and everyone's anger at ignorance at those who will limit anyone to the background.

The further work is not about love, love is the aid to get us through society which we've created, born into and have to struggle with every day.

And love is the fuel, the fuel to the anger which I have to bear for being queer and deviant.

And I am not a love story. I am not something to cry over. I am something which should make you realize if you are at a privileged position that you should make a change, if you are discriminated, that you are not alone, that we should all have this fuel and should never just be limited to love.

Because our anger is valid.

We became our anger, so that the love will not only nourish us now, but later when all is done and we are no longer deviant to a society who hates itself.

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I do not own any of the character, band or other names based off real persons and groups; they served only as inspiration for my characters in the stories, whose rights I own. The works published herein and elsewhere by me are entirely fictional, and any resemblance to real life events is merely coincidental. No libel or slander is intended.