Tag Archives: iris apfel

No, wait, it’s…whatever. The point is, I’m now out of luck on both accounts. I went to the eye doctor a couple weeks ago and received TRAGIC news: I have some sort of non-pink-eye (or as I have so eloquently been describing it, non-fart-on-your-pillow) conjunctivitis caused by the disgusting pieces of plastic that I’ve been allowing to float around my eyes up to sixteen hours a day for the past thirteen years. Seriously guys, think about contacts. They’re really gross.

Moral of the story, after showing me an appropriately horrifying chart with a picture of what the inside of my eyelids look like now and what could happen if I continue my extended contact wearing ways,

I was told I needed to cut back on my lens time, and I decided to listen. Because sentient, violent, intellectual eye infections are not my bag (looks like we just found rule four, amirite?).

So that’s it. My days of dead-eyeing you from across the room with my enormous icy stare are over, or will at least be more commonly mitigated by a growing collection of over-sized frames. But that’s also exactly what brings me comfort in this trying time. It’s like they always say: when life hands you lemons, arm yourself with an arsenal of glasses that will turn an unfortunate case of conjunctivitis into an opportunity to emulate awesome four-eyed icons. Do NOT squeeze the lemons into your eyes, because that will only make it worse. And most importantly, never, EVER feed them after midnight, because not doing so could have prevented this whole mess in the first place.

Anyway, let’s review. I’ve got my old faithfuls

For that classic, I’m going red light special all through the night writing my thesis/this is the face I make when I wear these glasses and think about that time I wrote that thesis but I might go back to school or something soon and I’m totally not traumatized by the last experience so it’s cool whatever whatever whatever look.

No but seriously, those are great. Still, I decided to move away from that look a bit for NO OTHER REASON than I wanted to look like Cyril Figgis from Archer

Ok maybe something more versatile. Let’s try THE four-eyed icon of all time

I didn’t get it quite right, but I think I did ok

And in no time it’ll be like

and then I’ll have my face back. Actually, the doctor said it might take a while. Until then I’ve got Cyril, Iris, and the ultimate glasses goddess and new We Look Awesome cover girl, Peggy Clare