The Blob

An all purpose advice blog especially for subjects that I know nothing about. Need help with your egret? Flux capacitor on the fritz? Old Uncle Wilhelm finally come clean about the 40's? You've come to the right place!

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Monday, September 06, 2010

Mama Callous said...I'm getting sick of opening up the Blob and seeing the nudie photos. Time for new subject matter, Blobby!

I have to agree with you Mom Callous and with that in mind I'd like to try my hand at a different type of subject matter while at the same time alerting my readers to a wonderful new blog; Vivian's Tranquil Garden http://viv-thetranquilgarden.blogspot.com/ If you like tranquility and gardens then this site is tailor made for you!

If on the other hand you are more like me, (I enjoy avoiding gardening year round!) then read on:

The Blob's Garden of Death

Well, another September is upon us and what a lovely time of year it is to sit out in my garden with a cup of warm herbal tea (for those cool mornings) or a glass of Bordeaux. It's a time to mull and reflect upon the season past. As Autumn looms I like to look around me, notice the signs of encroaching death that nature is providing and all the while scan the yard for the many signs of benign neglect and chores as yet undone.

Here is a photograph of my basil failures. This years planting has been co-opted by several spiders who keep the flies (most of them anyways) from birthing their young on the tender leaves. This also make for a very "webby" pesto...not for the faint of heart!

Here's a time saving tip I learnt this past summer. Basil comes in those little plastic things with dirt already in them...they are already planted so why bother re-planting them? (helllloooo) Simply plop them in last year's dead plant and then remove it upon it's own inevitable death to be replaced by next year's version. So simple, so elegant! (Time for a little more Bordeaux.)

Here is my decimated patch of rhubarb. I had to stand helplessly by and watch as hordes of Alsatian stink beetles laid waste to a once healthy crop. Nevertheless there is still the macabre beauty of the leaf hole patterns that are slowly killing the plants.

Still in the realm of the potentially edible are this summers big project; a new planting of raspberry bushes graciously donated by Nora, sister of Vivian, the very same Vivian of Tranquil garden fame!!

I followed all of her replanting instructions to the letter; not burying the "rootball" too deep, scattering compost (comprised mostly of Quebec Classique cigarette butts and other deader plants) in with the newly turned soil and still the plants seem to be withering and dying. I was so looking forward to full bushes heavy with fruit but how was I to know that watering every day actually meant every day!! I just figured it was like the dentist telling you to brush every day...who does that??? ??

Wow, how could that Bordeaux be finished alraedy!! (at least there's still a couple of Heinekens left in the fridge)

Here's another time and energy saver:

Do like I do and let your grass go to seed. I haven't mowed my lawn in a month and the way i look at it, it'll only come back stroinger next year once it self-plants itself or whatever the hel that word is. Amd so what if your loser neighbour has a poerfect lawn and a hot wife. there,s m ore to life than that and I bet the guy,s never finished a sunday times corssword puzzle in his life!! I can't even hear nyself think now with his damn lawn tractor amking all that noise..."Hey buddy!! wanna help with with my crossword puzzle?? 65 down, a four letter word for your wife...starts with C...hahahahah"

geez that was good one. But sertiously , he,sd a great guy!! OK later...time for a nap...

Monday, August 23, 2010

On July 24th I posted a little exposé about the American Apparel company and their use of salacious imagery to sell clothing. This is nothing new and whether overt or subliminal, "sex sells" has long been the mantra of Madison Avenue.

In this, the internet age, the envelope keeps getting pushed and we become a little bit more enured each day. Witness this men's perfume ad by Tom Ford from 2007.

Provocative and titillating, this ad helped successfully launch the product and the actual bottle used for the shoot sold for 7,000 dollars on EBay to some guy in Japan.

Like many companies, the Tom Ford website has cached within even raunchier photographs as was the case with the American Apparel site. By hiding what are to many, pornographic images, within their webpages we are being encouraged to troll around and wallow in their brand's on line environment.

Of course I've dug a little deeper once again. Admen love trends and admen love sex as a marketing tool. They've been focus grouping the following idea to death and now seem poised to unleash a flood of very sexual images on an unsuspecting but primed public. Porn is readily available and ubiquitous so why not use it to sell everything! Not just fashion and condoms but food, medicine, cars...everything and anything.

This overt use of sex and erotica is the holy grail of advertising and by digging around in the back pages of some very reputable websites I've unearthed a treasure trove (or dung pile depending on your point of view) of new and very explicit ads.

THE FOLLOWING PICTURES ARE ACTUAL ADS AND CONTAIN CONTENT THAT MAY BE CONSIDERED OFFENSIVE...ENJOY!

Not sure if that's actually an x-ray of Boniva spokeswoman Sally Field. Let's just say it is and move on.

A bit esoteric for my taste...I think they are touting the Sienna minvan's spacious interior. The next 2 are more or less self explanatory. This one borrows directly from the earlier tried and true Ford campaign.

As disturbing as these ads are they pale in comparison to the following ones for Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup and Milk (a variant on their "Got Milk?" campaign)...oh no...not her again!!

My Goodness!!! I thought my decor change would help with the tone around here but honestly... I never knew such filth even existed!! And to think that I just had an ice cold Coca Cola earlier today. Horrors!!

I guess The Blob is just catering to his regular readers, the pathetic Bonemikexxster, the even more horrid Maria Callous and their kind.Speaking of Maria I happened across a picture of her on FaceBook. Lo and behold she's sporting a lovely new hairdo and she's emulating little old me!! While I don't agree with any of her lifestyle choices I must say that imitation still is the sincerest form of flattery. She's got the hair (a good brush would help too)...now let's see if she can get the perfectly narrow waste and winning smile!! Good luck dear :o)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

For those of you who aren't too fond of Nan Wilkinson what can I say. She's been hanging around here, tidying up, plying me with meat loaf and only asking for a chance to have her say on The Blob once again. What the hell... I'm going for breakfast, take it away Nan!!

GREETINGS fellow Blob lovers. It's a pleasure to be back at my home away from home. Ever since Jim left me ( I told him it was either the beer and scotch or me) I've been trying to find ways of occupying my free time and you can only give your own house the once over so many times LOL :o)I FIGURED The Blob could use a little spruce up of it's own...a woman's touch if you will because between you, me, and the doorpost every time I logged on (as the kids say) I was appalled by the dreary colors.MY GOOD friends Barb and Delores always said I should've been an interior decorator but that would've made it hard to be home for my family. Now that Jim is gone and the kids are in school or the rehabilitation center I decided it was time for me to spread my wings!ANYWAYS, this will be a surprise for Bob when he gets back to the office. I hope all of you out there in cyber land like it too. I can't wait to see how his next post looks in these new sorroundings!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

"The Alphorn, hewn from a single carefully hollowed and bent tree, is considered the most majestic of wind instruments both visually and for its elemental sound. Indeed, it was this very sound that was imitated by the great Richard Wagner in his prelude to Das Rheingold, the 1st opera in his Ring Cycle."

MY STUFF:Hey annoying sports fans and pathetic trend followers, put away those vuvuzelas. Aging hippies and New Age world music wannabes, pack up your digeridoos. The Alphorn is making a comeback and hipsters all over Europe are riding the wave. It's only a matter of time before North Americans are lugging these sexy behemoths to raves, concerts, and the hottest parties and after parties. Check out this action from Vaterlandpalooza with the babelicious Hofmann sisters :

For those with a more traditional bent there are still Alphorns aplenty to be heard the way they were meant to be and where the only bare legs belong to bearded men wearing lederhosen.

I couldn't help but notice that "Alphorn" sounds a lot like "all porn" so next post will be more related to the latter than the former. This will no doubt rile Mrs. Nan Wilkinson who still seems to be on her crusade to steer me clear of anything remotely sexual (I think it was she using an alias, who asked about the alphorn in my comment section). I contend that I know my audience way better than she does (75 repressed men in Saudi Arabia can't be wrong!!) so stay tuned.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

As a "tail ender" of the baby boom generation I'm well aware that many of my chronological confreres have certain conceits about the quality of the pop music they grew up with versus the overmarketed tripe that is available today.

Are we merely looking back through a gauzy lens of nostalgia that shades everything with a glow of quality and meaning? Is there even a way to make a comparison that has any validity?

Will Lady Gaga, Green Day, Jay-Z, Fergie and the like, stand the test of time the way Herman's Hermits or Tommy James and the Chandelles did?

Frankly, I'm way too tired to bother even thinking about writing about this. You, my faithful readers, may however want to think or pray on this and get back to me, a discussion will ensue and we'll settle this once and for all.

Until then we can look forward to a blockbuster remake of a famous musical, (hip-hopped and techno-ed up, melody and lyrics simplified) recast with some of today's hottest talent. My inside sources tell me to expect a Christmas release and check it out...I got my hands on the friggin' poster!!!!

Thursday, August 05, 2010

The triangle has long been the butt of jokes, the go to instrument when a cheap laugh is needed (see the clip below). Yes, it's but a simple bent metal rod, practically anyone can make a reasonable sound on it and from there people make the unfortunate leap and believe that it is easy to play.
Nothing could be further from the truth and only a true artist can consistently evoke the proper colors from this unappreciated, three-sided gem of an instrument.

In the orchestra, the best composers have long known where to turn when a woodwind chord need to be given that shimmering, ethereal boost or a rousing brass fanfare needs a glorious, jubilant, and silvery brush stroke to truly deliver the spirit of the moment! It's the humble triangle to the rescue time and time again.

With this in mind The Blob is glad to announce that another new sponsor has joined the fold. Isosceles magazine is a serious publication dedicated to all aspects of the triangle arts. They never shy away from tackling even the most controversial issues. Here's a brief exerpt:

Do Jews Make Better Trianglists?

It's long been contended that Jews make better lovers. It's an established fact that they make better husbands...thousands of years of oppression and servitude have had their effect. But what about the triangle? Can this cultural baggage produce beneficial results in this realm as well?

According to Alan Abel, the legendary trianglist with the Detroit Symphony, the answer is a resounding yes! "The triangle is an outcast in the orchestra, ill considered and annoying to some but always a soloist and always heard, no matter how loud the rest of the group is playing.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Benny Hinn said...Bolivia??? ...What the heck are you talking about, Blob?? Where do you comedians get this stuff?? BOLIVIA?!?!?! That's kooky talk!!! Why, I don't even know where Bolivia IS!

I SWEAR!! So... to summarize... no more goofy, silly, TOTALLY NOT TRUE irresponsible stories about Bolivia (wherever THAT is, and where I've NEVER EVER been)

While I'm flattered to have anybody writing in to my blog I will freely admit that televangelists are not my favorite type of people. They are an easy target and while nothing makes me happier than seeing one fall from grace I must give credit where credit is due. These guys are brilliant scam artists in so many ways. Every bit as egomaniacal as cult leaders but smart enough to avoid the hassle of starting their own religion, they hitch a ride on the biggest cult of all and ride it to glory, wealth, power, sex and all of it tax free! (praise Jesus!!)

They also seem to be making millions of followers happy so what could be bad?? Well, if squeezing money out of poor people is bad then you may have a point (or being cynical, hypocritical, whoremongering, homophobic but gay, crack using, lying, tax cheating messengers of God is bad you have a point too).

So Benny Hinn decides to write in and deny everything. The Blob broke the story about his tryst with a Bolivian woman known to us only as Xochamaro. She's an Indian midget from a mountain village not far from La Paz who travelled many miles by foot for an audience with Hinn hoping that he could bestow upon her the miracle of growth...he kind of did but not quite in the way she expected. She did get a free trip to Nevada though for their so called "consultation" but we don't have the resources here to do a follow up or even to repudiate Mr. Hinn's vociferous denials.

Luckily the National Enquirer is always at the ready to help me out (thanks guys) so go get yourself the latest edition and while I've got your attention, say what you want about Jim Baker but at least he went for a babe in Jessica Hahn to help bring down his empire with a touch of elegance while Hinn and Swaggart...let's just say they could've done better.