A marriage is a delicate relationship that needs plenty of care and attention to keep it strong. If you want to make your spouse happy, you will need to focus on resolving your marital conflicts and finding ways to reduce the severity of conflicts in the future. You can also make your spouse happy by working to improve yourself and by making small gestures to show how much you care.

Steps

Part 1

Making Personal Changes

1

Work on making yourself happy. If you are unhappy, you will be in no place to make your spouse happy, so take some time to work on you. You may need to find an enjoyable hobby or a more gratifying line of work, make some more friends, or seek therapy to deal with past traumas. Do whatever you need to do to be the happiest you can be so that you can be the best possible spouse.[1]

No one can rely entirely on another person to make them happy. If you feel your spouse is unhappy for reasons that are not directly related to your marriage, encourage him or her to work on personal happiness as well.

2

Maintain a positive attitude. Your attitude can have a huge effect on the health of your marriage. If you tend to be negative, make a conscious effort to be more positive, and your spouse will be much happier.[2]

Negative people tend to criticize and make lots of demands, both of which can lead to marital conflict. If you're not sure where to start in changing your attitude, make a conscious effort to avoid these two behaviors.

3

Tackle your stress. Stress from a busy life can often cause people to lash out at their loved ones, even when they don't mean to. In order to avoid this unnecessary conflict, work on getting your own stress under control.[3]

You may want to try relaxation techniques such visualization, meditation, or yoga.

If you have a lot of stress, you may also benefit from counseling.

4

Have reasonable expectations. It's important not to come to a marriage with unrealistic expectations of the relationship, as this will cause both partners to be unhappy. Take a moment to assess what you expect of your relationship and determine whether you are being overly idealistic.[4]

Watch for mind reading. Mind reading is a common unrealistic expectation in relationships. You may expect your partner to know what you want without having to say what you want. For example, you would be engaging in mind reading if you expect your partner to come and sit next to you on the sofa without asking him or her to do so.

Consider the importance you place on your feelings. Expecting your partner to change his or her behaviour for your benefit is also unrealistic. For example, if you get upset because your partner plays soccer with his friends on Saturday mornings, then you would be engaging in an unrealistic expectation if you think your partner should give up this hobby for your benefit and disregard his own feelings.[5]

Keep track of your expectations. To become more aware of any unrealistic expectations that you might be imposing on your partner, start writing them down. Then, take time to reflect on whether or not an expectation is reasonable and worthwhile. For example, you might ask yourself, does this expectation help or hurt my relationship? If the expectation is hurting your relationship, then you might simply say to yourself, “Having this expectation is not in my best interest.”[6]

5

Respond to your spouse's needs. While you should not have to change who you are in order to make your spouse happy, you may want to consider making small changes or compromises to accommodate your partner. Pay attention to things that your spouse asks you to do (or not do), and try to make them more habitual.[7]

For example, if it drives your spouse crazy that you leave your dirty clothes on the floor, try to become a little neater and make a habit out of putting your clothes in the hamper every day.

Part 2

Adopting Habits of Happy Couples

1

Do things together. Happy couples make a habit of spending quality time together regularly. It will be much more enjoyable for you and your spouse to spend time together if you can find something to do that is interesting to both of you, so try to cultivate some common interests.[8]

It's a good idea to go out on dates together once a week.

Try to plan a few short getaways throughout the year as well.

2

Spend some time apart too. While time together is healthy, most couples also need their space. Work with your partner to figure out how much time together and apart works for both of you.[9]

Try to have at least one hobby that you pursue without your spouse, and encourage your spouse to do the same.

It's also healthy for you both to spend some time socializing with your own friends.

3

Embrace physical contact. Physical contact is a simple way to show affection to your spouse. Make this a priority, whether you're at home watching television together or out and about. Even the smallest touch of the hand can let your spouse know how much you care.[10]

Cuddle often.

Try to get in the habit of going to bed at the same time to encourage intimacy.

Hold hands while walking.

Hug each other every day.

4

Accept your differences. You and your spouse are bound to have some differences, and you will both be happier if you learn to accept, and even appreciate, those differences.[11]

Try to focus on how you and your spouse complement each other, instead of wishing that your spouse was exactly like you.

Don't try to change your spouse. This will lead to resentment and conflict.

5

Say kind words every day. No matter how long you and your spouse have been together, it's important to stay in the habit of using words to show your love. Never assume that you don't have to say something because your partner already knows that you care.[12]

Say "good morning" and "good night" every day.

Always tell your spouse to have a good day.

Say "I love you" frequently.

Part 3

Reducing Marital Conflicts and Increasing Respect

1

Commit yourself to improving your relationship. Happy marriages do not happen by accident. If you want to improve the health of your relationship and make your spouse really happy, you will need to consciously work on the relationship. Always look for areas of conflict and find ways to resolve those conflicts.[13]

Resolving conflicts as soon as possible will keep them from growing into bigger issues that could threaten the happiness of your marriage.

Keep in mind that no relationship is happy 100% of the time. You will face conflicts, and this is perfectly normal.

2

Come to an agreement about money. Finances cause many disagreements and arguments in relationships, but they don't have to. Avoid this source of tension by having an open discussion about how you will manage your money as a couple.[14]

If money is tight, come up with a budget together that you can both agree upon.

Be sure that both you and your spouse are comfortable with how money is managed. If your spouse wants more control over the finances, find a way to make this work.

3

Communicate. Good communication is essential to any happy relationship, so never underestimate its importance. Be sure to share your feelings with your spouse, whether they are positive or negative.[15]

If you think there is a problem in the relationship, talk to your spouse about it right away. Encourage your spouse to bring problems up swiftly as well.

Check in with your spouse every day to find out how things are going.

Try to always be calm and respectful when talking to your spouse. Even if you do not agree, do your best to see things from your spouse's perspective.

4

Focus on trust and forgiveness. In order to build a strong relationship, you and your spouse must both work on forgiving each other for past offences and trusting each other to respect your marriage. This will help you deal with conflicts in your relationship in a much healthier way.[16]

Never hold a grudge, as this will only keep your relationship stuck in the past. Instead, focus on the future.

If necessary, go to couples counselling to work on these areas.

5

Put your spouse first. If you really want your spouse to be happy in the marriage, you need to express your love and appreciation. This will let your spouse know that your marriage is a priority to you and that you do not take it for granted, no matter how many other things you have going on it life.[17]

Do little things to let your spouse know you care, like sending an "I love you" text in the middle of the day or surprising your spouse with breakfast in bed.

If you have children, make sure to spend some time alone. While your children are important, they should not be prioritized at the expense of your marriage.