A Pros and Cons List to Decide Whether We Actually Need Florida

As you all probably know, last week, a 71-year-old ex-cop shot and killed a man inside a Tampa movie theater for texting during the trailers. Apparently he will be using the infamous “Stand Your Ground” statute in his defense, reminding us all that Florida is bizarro world where logic has died and idiocy runs rampant. Many on the internet have sarcastically wondered why we even keep Florida around, but throughout the past couples of days, I’ve been coming back time and time again to one simple question:

Do we really need Florida?

Are we seriously better off as a country with this flaccid peninsula jutting out from us? I mean, Florida is so bad that Complex felt the need to publish a 25 Worst Things To Happen in Florida in 2013 list, and “Man Beats Child to Rhythm of ‘Blurred Lines'” was only at #18.

But while pondering this, I decided to be as objective as I could be about this and came up with a 100% scientific approach to solving this question…

A pros and cons list!

I’ll weigh all of Florida’s benefits with all the things that suck about Florida, and by the end, we’ll know whether we really need Florida as a state or not.

THE PROS:

Disney World!

Oranges!

Spring Break!

The Weather!

Flamingos!

Roy Jones Jr.! (Ben made me include this one)

The Winter Equestrian Festival! (Shauna made me include this one)

Dexter Seasons 1-4!

THE CONS:

Stand Your Ground

Jeb Bush

Hurricanes

Election Fraud

Spring Break

Sinkholes

Mosquitoes

Disney World

Dexter Seasons 5-8

Welp, after some careful analysis, it looks like the cons outweigh the pros, meaning we are officially better off without Florida.

I think we keep Florida around just to make sure it doesn’t swallow its own tongue.

BigShinyNosehair

It’s no secret that my first choice of states to unload would be Texas, what with them always threatening to secede and all. Florida, in sheer assholedness would be right up there though.

Being a state bloated with Teabaggers and other assorted kooks, Florida has that whole market economy appreciation thing going on… and as a special nod to Ayn Rand who would have certainly have included this idea in The Fountainhead had she not been hitting the Russian vodka so much in her atheist fury… we should consider SELLING Florida. The whole damned joint. To the highest bidder.

I think Florida would fetch a pretty penny. Heck, they have a GDP of $754 billion dollars (about the same as Switzerland) and they generate over $122 billion in federal revenues annually. With income like that, we could take a big fat down payment and let them make monthly payments. Hell, the interest alone would be worth it.

In the long run it’ll save us all money. Currently Florida gets back $1.39 in federal “handouts” for every $1.00 they pay in taxes. We could use some of those savings to build that big-ass electric fence with the alligator moat I keep hearing so much about.

A country like China would jump at this. They would have a huge, uneducated labor force available to them that would celebrate being free from the oppressive government bonds of minimum wage, needless safety regulations, and child labor folderol. Hell, they’d “be welcomed as liberators”.

Jason E

Arcnor, what is the equivalent to Florida in Canada?

Arcnor

Depends on whose hockey team didn’t make the play-offs that season.

Jason E

Damn that does sound terrible! I mean not like pedifiles, junkies and racist terrible, like in Florida.

Arcnor

You forgot to include Mr. Pazienza in the “Pro” category!

Wait.

No, he’s more “valued escapee from,” isn’t he?

Jason E

Florida makes me want to route for global warming! I’ve seen the models and Miami is like a new Atlantis!