New Sorority AGD Hospitalized with Identity Crisis

The new Syracuse University chapter of sorority Alpha Gamma Delta checked herself into a mental institution late Tuesday night after suffering what her publicist characterized as a “severe identity crisis.” The apparent nervous breakdown came in anticipation of the approaching open house the sorority is holding this weekend in the local Sheraton Hotel.

“I’ve been having a hard time dealing with the anxiety that comes with wondering what my rep will be on the SU campus,” Ms. Delta said in a statement released on Wednesday morning. “The questions keep coming. The possibilities are endless. Will I be blonde or brunette? Jewish or gentile? What kind of boys will I like? What will be the drug of choice for my sisters? Pot? Acid? LSD? Cocaine? I know that one’s taken…but you see what I mean?”

The statement, which at times was almost incoherent, went on to list more worries that showed a sorority in a fragile state of total paranoia. “On bid day, will the girls who receive bids from me sob in happiness or throw themselves off a tall building in total despair? Am I going to be known as a veritable modeling agency or a dairy farm? Will they be stoic and classy, or will they be nothing more than the campus bicycles? I can’t take the uncertainty right now.”

Hospital officials had no comment on the case, but in her statement the sorority announced that she would probably be under observation for several more days before being released.

And the hits just keep on coming. Sources within the Syracuse Athletic Department have told CampusBasement that in addition to sexually abusing children, sleeping with coaches’ wives, and blatantly ignoring internal drug testing policy, employees of and players on the SU basketball team may have also kidnapped and murdered Charles Lindbergh’s infant son in 1932.... MORE »

On the first day of Christmas, Professor gave to me: A night of binge drinking. On the second day of Christmas, Professor gave to me: 2 hours of sleep, And a night of binge drinking. On the third day of Christmas, Professor gave to me: 3 books to read (where do I buy books?), 2... MORE »

This week it has been announced by the SU sororities’, that they are “so over” Edward Cullen and “that whole vampire thing”. The ladies of SU’s Greek life have moved on to greener pastures and more mysterious men. So mysterious, that this man they’ve move on to, is in fact, a ghost. No, it’s... MORE »

Super Bowl Sunday turned out to be a whole lot less manly this year than usual, as Panhellenic sorority recruitment finally came to an end with Bid Day. On this notoriously emotional once-a-year holiday, freshmen girls are finally given bids to join one of SU’s renowned sororities after a grueling two week rush process, which... MORE »

I’m not going outside, at least not on bid day. That’s what it’s called, right? The one with the screaming girls running around campus? Senior Anthony Pantene notes his reluctance to go anywhere near Greek row as this weekend, as Rush kick off starts Friday. “I am SO excited! I just cannot wait to see... MORE »

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Zeta Beta Tau President Zachary Cohen issued a statement Tuesday condemning freshman brother Ben Murphy for his choice of ironic throwback basketball attire during the weekend. Murphy, a marketing major in the Whitman School of Business, showed up to the ZBT house on Saturday afternoon clad in Shaquille O’Neal’s Orlando Magic jersey, a popular garment... MORE »

Syracuse University students were disappointed Monday night when University Union announced that the Block Party lineup for 2012 would be Kaskade and Cold War Kids — A DJ and an indie rock band, respectively. Students were so disappointed in fact, they told the nation. And then the world. Within an hour, the hashtag #ThingsIdRatherDoThanGoToBlockParty was... MORE »

And the hits just keep on coming. Sources within the Syracuse Athletic Department have told CampusBasement that in addition to sexually abusing children, sleeping with coaches’ wives, and blatantly ignoring internal drug testing policy, employees of and players on the SU basketball team may have also kidnapped and murdered Charles Lindbergh’s infant son in 1932.... MORE »

Newhouse spokesman Carl Waiters announced Tuesday a massive curriculum overhaul, which included a new major at Syracuse’s flagship institution. “The Newhouse School is constantly trying to evolve and adapt to fit the ever-changing landscape of the communications industry,” Waiters said in a statement to the press, “To that end, we will be incorporating a new... MORE »

Junior anthropology major Beatrice Florsheim (a 4.5 at best) announced Tuesday to anyone within earshot of her loud, insufferable, howler-monkey-esque voice that she hates Valentine’s Day. “I prefer to call it ‘Singles Awareness Day,” she told reporters who were too busy paying attention to attractive people, before she burst into a hearty guffaw. Experts say... MORE »

(Editor’s Note: CampusBasement was able to obtain an audio recording of chatter between Syracuse basketball players in the locker room this morning, after a shocking affidavit was released by the New York Daily News regarding the Bernie Fine/Jim Boeheim civil case. In the document, plaintiff Bobby Davis alleges that Bernie Fine’s wife, Laurie, has had... MORE »

Emergency Aid stations dotted the quad at Syracuse University on Tuesday afternoon as the administration scrambled to treat students suffering from extreme fatigue and unknown illnesses due to a professor actually lecturing on the first day of classes. Many students collapsed upon exiting Arthur Mulrooney’s HST 154: History of Modern Europe class, after having to... MORE »

Syracuse University spokesman Dustin Grant announced details of the school’s inquiry into accusations of child sex abuse by SU assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine. Grant revealed that the investigation in 2005 was conducted by a crack squad of 7 domesticated house cats. “The administration felt that this was the best group to conduct a... MORE »

Centro Bus #6793 on Route 344 South Campus suddenly slammed on its brakes late Tuesday night, causing bumper to bumper gridlock as the bus worked through what appeared to be a mid-life crisis. “I’ve been following this other bus, 6798, since five o’clock this afternoon. I’ve been right behind him every day at that time,... MORE »

In an effort to pretend that Newhouse is keeping up with the rapidly changing media landscape, the former communications school giant announced the third overhaul of its curriculum in the past three years. The changes, announced in a press conference held Tuesday, were described by spokesman Ron Harris as “really we’re just giving all our... MORE »

After a solid win against West Virginia on Monday, Syracuse Orange basketball coach Jim Boeheim was anything but sunny, as he went off on a rant blaming the media for bias and negativity in their reporting of SU’s struggles in Big East play, most notably an embarrassing loss to Seton Hall by 20 points. Though... MORE »

In a press conference held Wednesday, civil rights advocate and legend Rosa Parks announced that Centro’s effort to memorialize her courageous activism was “a good effort” but “pretty lame overall.” Every Centro bus has a sort-of-fake-gold-looking oval sticker peeling off over a seat on the right side of the vehicle, proclaiming that seat to be... MORE »

In the wake of allegations of sexual harassment by women’s basketball coach Quentin Hillsman, much of Syracuse University was stunned by the revelation that the college also has a basketball team that girls can play on. “Get out of town,” junior marketing major Greg Cameron said, when asked for his opinion on the charges that... MORE »

It was just another semester starting for Harold Ness. Back from a long, relaxing, and at times tedious winter break, the SU sophomore was ready to return to a daily routine. “It’s been good to be back, see all my old friends,” Ness said. For the most part. Ness was walking across the quad early... MORE »

In the wake of numerous South Campus apartment break-ins over Thanksgiving break and in recent weeks, the Syracuse Department of Public Safety announced in a press conference Thursday the hiring of child prodigy Kevin McAllister as a private security consultant. Mr. McAllister’s primary task will be to beef up anti-burglary measures in South Campus apartment... MORE »

The last day which liquor stores may sell alcoholic energy drink Four Loko in stores is fast approaching. On December 10th, all Four Loko cans remaining on shelves must be disposed of. College students across the state are in a frenzy, buying up case after case of Four Loko, in preparation for Four Loko Prohibition.... MORE »

Sam Harper is feeling good. He’s free. Two days ago, he announced to the press and the Facebook community that he had broken up with his high school girlfriend of two years, Kristen Shaw. Now Harper, sans-girlfriend, is “out on the prowl again,” as he characterizes it. “It just had to happen, man,” He tells... MORE »

Dear Girl,Â First of all, let me say that I’m really glad to see you out here supporting our football team in their quest to become bowl-eligible for the first time since 2004. It’s pretty sad that a huge chunk of our student section is still empty, especially when we’re 6-3.Â That being said, please... MORE »

In a sweeping attempt to crack down on the rash of armed robberies in recent weeks, hundreds of police vans and buses swooped in Wednesday afternoon and rounded up 14,000 white males wearing hooded sweatshirts and sweatpants. “After interviews with the victims,” SPD spokesman Lt. Dan Starks said in a press conference, “we concluded that... MORE »

Whoa, I just realized something. Ever notice that like, most of the year girls wear leggings and those leather boots (awesome) or Uggs (disgusting) and like a black Northface Jacket? I know, right? Like EVERY GIRL DOES. It’s crazy! Well like…Halloween rolls around, and all the girls go out in these like, really, really slutty... MORE »