The Presents of Presence

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I never thought I’d be grown up. There’s a 16 year old girl deep inside me who peeks out occasionally to do something I Love Lucy-ish and she is like a talisman to me that I haven’t lost my youth even though now I’m a mother of 2 teenage sons! Technically I’ve been a grown up and a Mom for a long time, but honestly, I don’t think I felt like a true grown up until my Dad died.

Mom and I were talking about Dad as we often do and as we got off the phone last night, my Mom told me how proud she was of me and how proud Dad would be of me as I’ve taken over everything since he passed. Her compliment hit a tender spot in me and when I got off of the phone, I began crying a bit. It was as if a flood of grief emerged and swirled within me, finally being able to be released. It meant so very much to me to hear her words as I am trying very hard to keep it together all the time, to be the strong one of the family and to keep everything organized all the time, all the while, dealing with my own family, my business which has been left by the wayside as I deal with the problem du jour and continue to attend to my parents’ financial affairs. I’ve had to step in and become the matriarch ~ a job I never dreamed I’d need to fulfill. I explained to Mom how Dad had ‘trained me’ (his words which I disliked) in his office. At age 11, I began working in his law practice and earning a paycheck. There I was taught to think like him, to be lawyer-ish and to cover all the bases when dealing in business. I had always abhorred when my Mom and sister had called me, “Little Al” in reference to my Dad, but now I am happy that he taught me all that he did for this new chapter is my life would have been much more difficult if he hadn’t guided me at such a young age.

Even though I’m now adjusting to being a real grown up, there’s still this little Lucy inside who just won’t rest ~ and I’m not letting her go! But this post, I’m dedicating to my Dad ~ Rest in Peace Dad ~ I’ve got it ~ remember, you taught me!

February 1st, 2002 was the date that I had my bilateral mastectomy due to my breast cancer diagnosis and the pathology report which read that after my lumpectomy, I still had breast cancer in my body. It’s also the date that marks the fact that I finally took hold of my own health and my life and decided to prophylactically take the non-cancerous breast as well, much to my surgeon’s chagrin. I can happily report to you, that I still stand by my decision as it was the right one for me.

There is so much I have learned in the last 11 years since that day that I walked into the OR by myself, sobbing after being taken away from hugging my supportive husband who still stands by my side. In the wake of having had those breasts reconstructed with silicone implants twice since then and then after having one of those implants rupture last year, beginning multiple surgeries to create what I now have for breasts which is body tissue taken from other parts of my body to make new, real, soft fleshy breasts which are mine and not artificial, hard, painful implants which I had endured because I had no choice, I am celebrating!

Since my breast cancer diagnosis on New Year’s Eve of 2001, my life has changed so dramatically that words fail me in trying to explain how richer my life has become. I have endured much suffering, but I have also reaped many blessings. I am grateful for each and every day when I arise from my bed to greet the world. I am thankful for life’s blessings, the big and small ones and I know firsthand the meaning of the preciousness of time. I practice being present in my life ~ enjoying The Presents of Presence ~ meaning actually being in the moment and enjoying what that moment offers. My intent to cast worry from my shoulders is an ongoing trial in my life, but I accept that it is a work in progress.

I know I am blessed with a loving family and much support in my life and I rejoice in the fact that I can continue to send out love on a daily basis through my blog, my FB page The Presents of Presence, my SendOutCards business and my actions. I have struggled through the grief of losing my breasts, fighting the disease through multiple surgeries (more than 10 and counting), ACT (chemotherapy), radiation, the loss of my ovaries at age 35 (salpingo oophorectomy), multiple needles, shots, medications, tamoxifen, arimidex, the loss of my hair, my self-esteem, my confidence as a woman, the sad passing of friends from the same disease and the mortal fear of reoccurrence. This is not a pity party by any means, so please don’t mis-understand me. It’s actually a celebration of triumph!

My mother-in-law texted me this morning, “Have an especially happy day!” and I knew exactly what she meant for I knew that she remembered ~ and I knew that she would be there with me celebrating this momentous event. I’m still here! I have no painful implants anymore! I have come full circle today ~ from having my God-given breasts, to having them removed due to dis-ease, to having them reconstructed not once, but twice with implants, to having been miraculously restored and reconstructed with breasts again which are of my own flesh and blood.

I am not sure that if you haven’t experienced this phenomenon that you can imagine how incredible it is to be here 11 years later celebrating so many wonderful gifts that my life has brought to me. It is with heartfelt tears of joy, of gratitude and of above all, love that I write to you today. However, knowing that we all carry burdens while we endure our journey on this earth, I feel like this is OUR CELEBRATION TODAY! So please indulge me as I invite you to celebrate love and life on the first of February (don’t forget to say Rabbit Rabbit)as well as family, friends, miracles, faith, joy, laughter, tears, gratitude, blessings, health, compassion, friendship…I could go on and on!

Celebrate Today my friends…Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future…