scared of breaking bond

06-08-2012, 04:46 PM

Hi all
Sorry if this sounds silly but im a 1st time mum of a beautiful 10mth old who is returning to work. I am only going back 2 days a week and on those days ds is with his daddy (who is working from home)& grandparents. we cosleep and breastfeed and up until now had only spent an hour apart. I dont want to leave him as love being with him but needs must. I have felt so relaxed & close to him and have loved just being with him & am now paranoid that our bond may be affected with me working those 2 days. I have always felt a bit possesive over him and have always been the one to comfort him if he got upset and hate the fact i wont be there to do this. I am glad he is being looked sfter by those close to him, especially daddy but am sad he is not with me. Has anyone else felt like this. I must sound pathetic and i know he needs to have close relationships with others to flourish but i do.t want to loose our tight bond. I suppose i want to be the number one person he seeks comfort from still. Eeek does that make me a bad mother?! Sorry, just wondered if anyone else had these feelings/fears? Thank you

Hello
To me what you describe sounds entirely natural. You sound like a very loving mummy & your little one sounds very lucky to have you. You definitely don't sound crazy. If I were you I would be thinking very seriously about two things

1) planning a series of steps / transition to going back to work: this will help both you & your baby & will make the transition as gentle as possible. You are lucky that Daddy is doing the daycare, but as you have done the care & comfort to now a transition will make it easier, gentler & more enjoyable for all of you. Example, first step could be letting Daddy do the comfort & key bits of care e.g. Changing, feeding etc whilst you are there (try not to tell him how to do it:-) but top tips & advice regarding how to do it to make his life easy are ok). Next you could try leaving them together - go & do something nice so that you have a positive reason to appreciate the time apart. Over time you can extend this time - do it at a pace you feel comfortable with.

2) How to reconnect when you get home: there are lots of things you can do when you get back to your baby to reconnect & ensure your bond. For example, when you get in from work or time apart spend time hugging, kissing & playing. Do you breastfeed? If so this has obvious advantages for connection but if not you can still use feed time as close time for you & baby too.

There is no doubt that you may find it hard but planning your route will really help. You could also try writing a list of all of the positive things about going to work & how they will help you, your partner & your baby. Keep it close to you & look at it when you are finding it hard & need a reminder. For example, daddy & baby will get closer, you & baby will have special reconnection time when you get home, you may end up playing more with your baby, the money will enable your whole family to do more, being away 2 days may make you have an even greater appreciation for being home, if you are ever unwell daddy will know exactly how to look after the little one etc...

I wish you all the luck in the world. The fact that you are worrying shows how much you care & that means you'll make it work.
Xx

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Hello
Thank you so much for your response. I have totally taken on board what you said about thinking of the good things that will hopefully come from my return to work, moving to a much nicer town being the main aim. You are right, it is good for ds to have time with daddy. Yes i am breastfeeding and when i got home my boy wanted to pretty much nurse all eve and night so i cuddled and sang to him whilst he nursed till his hearts content (we also cosleep so he helped himself alot that night). Thank you for telling me im not stupid, i am finding out its easy to be hard on yourself when wanting to always do your best for your little ones. Also we have no AP group wherd i live & i know some other mums at the groups here think i am too soft as it is and am 'making a rod for my back' because i cosleep & still breastfeed tut. Its so nice to have advice from someone who doesn't think like that.
Thanks again Carlibeth, take care
Nellynoo xx

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So glad to have helped. I am new to the forum, so you are the first person I've had a chat with which is nice.
It's great you had such a lovely close time when you returned from work.

I left my 9 month old for the first time this week - for 2 hours with my friend who is a teacher & child-minder. I felt real anxiety & almost like I'd lost an arm or something, so I know how difficult it is.

We sound similar in that there is no AP group near me & I find I'm unable to fully get involved in conversations etc at the regular groups I go to as people have a negative attitude about my choices & think I'm making a rod for my own back too! As far as I see it that is far from the truth & my choices are about putting my daughter first, as she is my priority & too little to do anything for herself - I do strive for balance, but I want to make choices based upon what is best for her rather than what is convenient for me. I don't want to argue with anyone at the groups I attend so I don't bother engaging on anything contentious.

Keep up the good work - sounds like you're doing a great job. We share a bed too, wonderful isn't it:-)
Take care
Carlibeth
P.s. Let me know how you are getting on if you have a chance.

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Hi carlibeth
Hope you and your dd are both doing well! I thought i would give you a quick update on how me and the boy are doing with our 2 days apart. Ds seems to struggle a little bit on tues mornings but by lunch is apparently fine and hapoy to play with his grandparents. Daddy is also there for hugs if he gets upset. I am struggling though snd feel a little sick when i hear he is asleep on a grandparent as he always sleeps on me so makes me miss him terribly. Breastfeeding at lunch more often then not makes me have a cry as i have milk and no baby boyo. Still we do lots of nursing and playing and snuggling as soon as we are together again so hopefully we will all adjust soon. He is snuggled up nxt to me asleep now as we have just been to music group followed by some brunch in the oark si making the most of our full five dsys together. Anyway have you left your dd again? If so how was it? Hope it went ok as hard and well heartbreaking as it is. Hope u havd some sunny days to have together. Take care!
Nellynoo xx