Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Helpful Commentary for Various People in This Coffee Shop

To the Guy in the Northwestern Cap

She came in here to study. She is not looking for a date. Specifically, she is not looking for a date with you. You have now told her about your swell condo, your eco-friendly hybrid car, your burgeoning net worth and your boat. Yet she has said little more than "uh huh" at any point and hasn't taken her eyes off her book for five minutes. This is called "rejection." If she is your only prospect, you're not getting any tonight. I suggest driving your eco-friendly hybrid to the video store to rent some porn to watch all by yourself in your swell condo.

To the Angry Lesbians at the Next Table

As I am in no way personally responsible for the American government's refusal to issue free tampons, the existence of high-heeled shoes, the veiling of Arab women, or the weird taste of your latte, glaring at me every time one of you uses the word "men" will not put a stop the ongoing abuse of womynkind by the patriarchy.

To the Guy in the Northwestern Cap, Again

Seriously, dude, bringing up the sad story of your childhood pet's untimely death just seems desperate.

To the Skank at the Next Table

Number one, it's not warm enough out to justify a top that skimpy. Number two, if I wanted to see bare female nipples, I would go watch porn with the guy in the Northwestern cap.

To the Kid Who Keeps Kicking My Chair

Stop kicking my chair.

To the Mother of the Kid Who Keeps Kicking My Chair

When you take him over to Nettlehorst School to register for the mayor's very special fee-based kindergarten program for gifted white children, I hope he pees on the headmistress.

To the Short, Bald Guy Knitting at the Corner Table

You wouldn't have to rip back your lace rows quite so much if you'd focus more on the chart and less on the other customers.

Giant AHA! I finally figured out how to leave you a comment, and it only took six months! So, here it is! I love your blog! Creative, huh? How did it end? Did the guy get maced by the girl? Inquiring minds want to know!

Please keep up with the keen and accutate observations of those around us....and tell the creepy guys to bug off. Sometimes we gals are just too tired of too many things and hope the annoying ones will just go away...

agree on the studying girl, and etc. However, for the "skank" you gotta remember that if you are fishing for straight men, you gotta use the bait that straight men recognize. Don't panic, those aren't aimed at you ;-). On the other hand, the womyn at the other table may be being entertained?

Franklin, I love you! Your self-chatter is the same annoyed and annoying rant that runs through my head most of the time I am in public nowadays. What a relief to know other people have this experience.

I was knitting a sock in a coffee shop last night, listening to three young women, apparently recent UM graduates, search for jobs online. After a while they were bored, and the one looking for a librarian position started going into Wikipedia entries and entering false information for fun, just because she could, declaring "there's no Wikipedia police!"

I think next time we need to hire another librarian at work, I'll suggest adding "Have you ever falsified a Wikipedia entry?" to the list of interview questions to weed out candidates who have no respect for information or truth.

To the woman trying to study while the dude in the NU cap continues to prattle on: Learn to tell people to shut up and leave you alone.

I guess nice girls don't do that, and all the girls at NU are awfully nice. It has taken me a while to learn how not to be nice, and not to blame the patriarchy for non-free tampons. Even though I do sorta think the patriarchy should pay for the tampons.

Thanks for the chuckle! your observations of human behavior are spot on :-) I was looking for a description of my daughter, who has spent the better part of the last two weeks in the coffee shop finishing up to graduate from DePaul Law this weekend....Chicago, here I come!!!!

Gawd, I'm angry about all those angry-lesbian topics too. Except I'm ANGRIER, because I'm straight and as such, can never get my wrath recognized. Do I have to date girls in order to get my womyn-power credentials around here?!?

To the Short, Bald Guy Knitting at the Corner Table. The Fat Old Lady sitting across from you punching the keys of a laptop is very envious of your beautiful lace knitting. When she's finished with this Blog she'll be knitting on a sock 'coz she's just not as much of a "show off" as you are. Don't look up!

Thank you for the best blogread of my morning. Sitting here with my coffee *at home* giggling my fool head off. Found your blog through Ravelry (I commented on the EZ article in IK). You are a treasure!

Ah, Franklin, after days of muttering to myself under my breath, interspersed with moments of weeping, you have made me laugh the laugh that loosens all the inner anxiety. You, and the fact that I'm off to a three day Cat Bordhi workshop tomorrow. Thanks for releasing the tension even before I get there.

I hope there weren't actual bare nipples in the coffee shop. If there were, then really Mr. Northwestern Cap should have been hitting on her with a $20 or two (or whatever the going rate is for skank).

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