Story Treatment: Terri/Terry and the Cross Time Pirates!

by Paige Turner

Desc: Science Fiction Sex Story: The Qubit Comedy & Drama Hour is proud to present the Non Identical Twins Terri/Terry and The Cross Time Pirates! Brought to you be Little Timmy's Gambling & Sex Emporium! Yokohama, Singapore, and Police Pizza! You need it when... Since 2015!

"Satirizing reality, since

time travel is impossible!

and we needed to make a few bucks"

Terry and the Cross Time Pirates is a twisted reality show.

The plot line fills in what they are trying to do in bits and pieces that are made up situations involving advertisements that bookend the show all being for none existent products and events. A skewed sense of absurd paradoxes presents this crew of would-be crooks trying to run a scam and make lots of money off of it, but they are also afraid of blowing up the reality they came from by changing the past so much that they 'reality grenade' the future they came from into not ever being formed out of the present they are in, which is a thousand years in their past. The crew has made a major boo boo and stranded themselves in our reality. They need cash to fix their time machine and get out of Dodge before the Time Patrol catches up to them. The master mind behind all of this is "Little Timmy", who is cleverly disguised itself as an old Kelvinator refrigerator out of someone's garage covered with stickers and who speaks with a Canadian accent, eh? Little Timmy is a quantum computer that escaped from it's own reality because someone forgot to tell it not to time travel and so off into the past it went. This prop allows for a lot of candid camera reaction shot sketches to be inserted into the show.

The idea behind the crimes is time pirates seek to lure a star ship to a Rock Concert 'Detroit 2015!' they are trying to scam a way into putting on as bait to snag the star ship takes a little set up. They're figuring on selling the cargo to Japan, as it's mining machinery, selling the star ship crew a bunch of genetic materials to make up for the missing cargo, and citing certain rules and regulations in various surreal phone calls to and from the future. It is a tangled mystery where the main characters are out of the future and trying to make a score. In order to do that, they need to make the crew feel at home, and what's it cost to rent a city for ninety days to throw a rock concert in, and what better cover for the crew off the starship to mingle with the natives with than a Time Traveler's Ball?

How do you run a con game like that? How do they figure they can do this and not get caught by the Time Patrol? Having a quantum computer tilts the odds in their favor: They can get away with this, as long as they don't actually bend up too many of the local rules, and 'What do you mean, you didn't get the papers in 1985? They were wretchedly typed, I'll admit, and the judge just accepted that the document had been received when the Post Post Office mailbox had been closed, I see..." and half of a conversation being in completely fictional case laws involving quantum machinery and the fact that 'Little Timmy' was seeking to set up legal mechanisms that can establish cross linkage effects of quantum mechanism, then they were just 'cheating fair and square, sir!' (as Little Timmy would put it.) How does a rogue entity from somewhere in the future not get it's electricity shut off after pulling a stunt like this is also somewhat difficult to grasp, but it's 'nobody has written case law on anything here, sir' and so this window of opportunity came up to make some bets and off to the fixed boat races they go, apparently aided by some rogue piece of equipment whose hobby happens to be time travel and who'd geeked out a way around the rule book and whose ability to 'cheat fair and square!' had figured out a way around the paradox traps. The Time Pirates are more or less roles, and its lunch box sales of decals with a nose art rendering ala Milt Caniff style cartoon and Terry and the Crooks, or Terri and the Pirates, gives the role players a lot of latitude to develop. The male Terry is a chunk of beefcake from out of the Castro flamer with a lot of gay sex appeal that appears in a lot of skits involving gay bath house humor. He's the lightweight in the team, the blonde airhead who has to constantly be feed his lines by his keepers, but who Terri needs because they are semi identical twins. Apparently he's such a dim bulb because she's rented his brain for additional processing power, or to handle email, or whatever it is the reason she's not up in arms about him not pulling his weight.

To the people of their past, none of this makes sense. To them; it's a dim event somewhere in their past they looked up and perhaps they can close a loop and get away with this crime by using technical points in law that haven't happened yet with the people on the other end of the phone calls in the far future. Whatever they come up with, she's got an excuse for it already established and her official fall guy has an alibi. So sometimes her phone calls take on an air of 'ya, well I got one for you! 2673! And up yours, you bucket of frozen electron soup!' (Slams down the phone. "That'll fix the little crotch weasel!')

Tim, 'the designated fall guy', is actually a slightly scruffy quantum mechanic without a Q certificate but whose main thing is tending to this box of parts that it has quantum communications and processing capability. Its a rogue unit, one someone hadn't yet inserted the 'thou shall not time travel' paradox loop closers into and someone asked just exactly the wrong question of it one day and it took off to find out the answer and somehow stumbled into the hands of Terri and her on-the-make group of get-rich-quick scam artists that have preloaded the reality they are operating in by making the natives believe it's a TV show, and yeah, she'd outed herself and her crew to the naive natives, but so what? There is the event, we have an open loop causality, you got Little Timmy by the power cord and only problem is, you don't know When or Where the hell Little Timmy is hiding out, do you Chief? And since it's the best you got, well, you know how sulky quantum machinery can get when its operator can't solve its little riddles, right? So we're kind of stuck here until this plays out, and since you've already read the files on how this boat race has to be rigged, we get to divert the cargo and budget it under PR or do we have to pick up the check through a later company? Uh huh. And what about the tax liabilities in the United States? Can we waive them by saying it was for the UN and thus non taxable, or are we going to have to have Barry sign off on that? Oh, either way's fine. Thanks, always a pleasure fucking you Chief! Can't wait to ... oh, almost forgot you weren't human. Think you can rent something nice to put on next time at head quarters and we'll see how those last lessons worked as far as religious experiences goes? Yeah, enjoyed the last time, too, see you back up in 2908. Bye sweetie!'

A pirate in cahoots with the chief of the Cross Time Patrol? Or is this all a double cross being rigged up to hang a bad case of bar bet fixing on a group of quantum physicists? Is Little Timmy down the well again? If so, what part of reality are we in now?

A script in which a bunch of time travelers set to hustle the natives legally and above board. Or illegally and obviously illegal acts actually being done in public in which nobody is exactly sure what is real reality and what is some surreal television show starring a bunch of crooks with a time machine they may or may not have official permission to use, off on some kind of mission into the past where they apparently are able to talk their way through a lot of very strange situations. The basic prop, the red refrigerator, appears in every background: Is this a coincidence or is it just Little Timmy wanting to get a good view of what's going on? If you pose that refrigerator right, you can have groups of people climbing out of it in the background wearing strange clothes. This secondary thing going on in the background becomes another reality sketch in which a group of mime performers is set loose not speaking the current languages. They wander around with packs stenciled Property of Detroit 2015 or wearing bumper stickers across their chests and all the while the "Robin deals with the Pizza Police sketch" is rolling on out his driver's side, and this red refrigerator nonsense is going on in the back ground. Finally the William's prank is explained to him, as well as why the audience of random strangers is so intent on what is going on in the back ground in his blind spot. The cameras are still rolling throughout and when he gets out of his car to talk to the guys that pranked him, what does he see? A bunch of people in tutus and glitter with bumper stickers or cut off t shirts with Detroit 2015. The cop notices and pulls out a whistle and blows it, and yells, "Hey! This is 2014! The cattle call isn't until next year! Who let you out of the refrigerator? Where's the Reality Patrol Wagon? Get those hams out of here! Who told Little Timmy it had the authority to let them into this reality scape? I want to see some releases on my desk by tomorrow morning, people, or there is going to be hell to pay!" (insert ad for "Hell Toupees!)

And a paddy wagon pulls up, the mimes are loaded into it and it goes over to the park and lets them loose again. You can have a lot of fun being gate crashers for a Time Travelers Ball that hasn't taken place yet!

Blurring the line between 'real' and 'not real' stirs in an element for strange events to become elements of comedy. Getting the real City Council of the City of Detroit to play along with this gag requires a certain amount of innocent guile on the part of the character of The Minister of Graft and Corruption being Tim the Quantum Mechanic getting dressed up in claw hammered Snidely Whiplash costume and going out and trying to learn how to do whatever it is that the plan calls for the Minister of Graft and Corruption to do. Like get elected. So you have a totally foot in mouth candidate running for office, while having to learn his role through on the job training, well, there simply isn't enough time for that, so to make this caper work, the machine known as Little Timmy can take over the guy's body and lie like a rug and smooth talk its way through just about anything, just basically bullshitting its way through reality. A show is entitled "Learning How To Bribe Politicians- Little Timmy saves Tim when a pitch goes bad in front of the Detroit City Common Council."

Might be interesting to have some official interviews with the press talking hard politics. "Well, considering all of the factors, and the fact that it's a rubber check I'm accepting as a bribe to accept the rubber check to the city as good, I'm certainly going to give this some serious thought. But if he can get that presidential pardon lined up, I can't see any real reason we shouldn't take a serious look at the proposal. And besides, maybe this way that million dollar check can actually be cashed someday!" The total lunacy of actually standing up and offering elected officials rubber checks to vote their hearts on an issue that could save their city is a lot of pressure to apply. Any way you look at it, this is a very strange idea that is going to take some presenting. Handing over an entire television series to a group of elected officials to look at in advance and see how the advertising campaign buried inside the book ending ads at either end of the television 'shows' shapes public opinion in favor of this venture creates an event that changes the history of their city. A World Game played with real money and real people and a real city. Only in Detroit can you find the amount of room this Game will need to for the participants in it to camp out for the summer. How many cities on this planet can invite six hundred thousand people to come and camp in it for the summer? Bingo!

Ideas are what spark the human spirit. This bit of off the wall humor based on playing pranks on famous people to get them to play along with the gag sets up a real event taking place in which a huge number of people would be together in one place for one event, and the event would attract world wide interest. The cell phone surrealism and the plugs for O'Douls and this safe driving campaign being funded by all this Police Pizza stuff creates safer roads and solves people's problems in a very fast way with minimal administration costs. While putting together a theoretical TV show that starts out with pranking a real person, having Robin Williams hanging out and voice overing some of the commercial sketches, "Wow, no wonder he can get away with it! You guys really are cops, aren't you?" 'Well, when we're on duty, but right now, we're the Pizza Police and you just got pranked into doing all this stuff, y'know?" 'Damn, you guys ARE good!' "More pizza?" 'Sure.' And the CHP timing George Lucas joining the 200 MPH club while Robin Williams talks to the cop that pulled him over and eats pizza. We having a little problem with our real reality these days, so nothing like a gang of crooks from the far future dropping in unexpectedly to hustle the natives for a few bucks, eh?

It's a seriously warped comedy idea, but since "everyone knows time travel is impossible" is part of the show's logo and the basic idea is nobody can believe the basic idea behind the show, you have a serious hall of mirrors effect going on with the clues being offered in the show's dialogue where you only hear half of the conversation. Each conversation is date stamped if the continuity of story line holds up, entirely new plot twists can be established on how the cross time con artists figure out how to get away with the caper. And how did Timmy get to be a captain in the Cross Time Police? And why's it working undercover to set this whole thing up, anyway? Doesn't it care that it's pet human can get sent up the river if it fucks up too badly for the history of that time to recover and he can wipe out the whole ... oh yeah, he's a quantum mechanic, certified or not, operating as what may be an undercover police officer or law enforcement official of some agency that doesn't exist yet, and that quantum computer is busy data mining a past event to see if this operation to intercept and steal a star ship's cargo can actually slide past the regulatory agencies this rogue computer has already evaded: Simply by being in the past it is cratering an enormous impact on the legal codes of both our day and its future reality and technically it is clean as a whistle with the Q certificate not actually necessary as it's got the excuse that it is in existence Before those agencies came into existence! So it's basically got some old history books and a very elegant alibi, namely that it provided what it thought its Operator wanted, and since that operator actually is a native of this reality it is now in and the native can accept the fact that 'real reality' is something of an opinion. The fact that the computer can take over the human's nervous system is part of the character and allows an entirely different type of character to step in and deal like an adult with the various situations that the designated fall guy, 'The stand in for the Minister of Graft And Corruption' at Pizza Police, and who is trying to also get elected the Minister of Graft and Corruption at Police Pizza and whose campaign ads are truly screwy: 'An honestly corrupt official!' I stay bought! The finest politician money can buy! I never refuse a bribe and I post my rates! No reasonable offers refused! Or, if the direct deposit method doesn't work, ask about our reasonable blackmail materials, that are available at our website! More than one way to buy this vote! Dozens of 'real' ads with this blatantly on the take character are aired and on a website is a 'Would You Vote For Timmy Brown?' and people can Yah or Nay him. ANY suggestions for Timmy? While this thing with the time traveling computer knowing everything going on, nobody in the television audience quite knows how to take this 'Honest Government, for those with the biggest wallets!' It skews just about every single politician in either party's need for reelection campaign money, and watching this guy trying to learn his job through on-the-job training where he screws the pooch every single time he opens his mouth on any current issue in public and has to have Little Timmy step into his body and bullshit their way out of it by being the responsible adult truly warps people's minds.

The character is something of a hippy burn out case that had an acid trip and suddenly this hallucination he was having from an overdose was wandering around with him in the every day real world he lived in. They got used to each other and wandered around for ten months or so and then one day the thing went away. The hippie later on became a noted quantum theorist and deducted all of the paradoxes involved in time machines, so of course who do they recruit next time they stop over to visit dear old Earth? Now the guy has wound up being a roadie for a prop being used in a television show in which various skits happen, but the guy actually has figured out the rules of time travel and gets famous in the future, and its only because Little Timmy used him back then to help set up this caper that the guy has a role in the production at all, and he's hip that not being quantum certified, they can't take him back to their futures with him, so he'd be stuck with any crimes they commit, so Terry and Terri have to both look out for him. Terry with his outrageous flaming beefcake act and Terri with her cleavage and sexy little thing vamp routine which leads the little head around to seeing things her way. That way, no matter what type of sexual favors there needs to be dangled, the twin characters have the bases covered. Terry can be reprogrammed into being a straight lady killer, and "I wasn't her type" covers the punch line when the not too bright guy fails to accomplish the teams goals. "Hey, Terri, since I'm straight now, you want to get it on?" "I'd rather suck Little Timmy's dick." "Its a machine, it doesn't have a dick." "Exactly." Puzzled look on Terry's face, mumble of 'I wonder what she meant by that? I can understand women when I'm a flamer, but I'm straight for twenty minutes and they instantly baffle me. How long before this shit wears off, anyway? Man, I feel like such a fruit in this costume. Too bad I just can't go naked, lots of chicks like my dick, y'know? Don't generally do nothing for me, them grabbing onto the bow sprint, and avast yee maties, where can I find some cooze, mate? Better yet, How do I find some cooze?' And while we're following our dim blond beefcake out of the office and listening to this internal monologue voice over being run, just outside the office is a very good looking girl by the elevator that looks at him in a predatory way and asks, "Going down?" in a 'my panties just melted' voice. To which Terry replies, like the true slut he is, "I'll do you if you do me." and the sound of a pants zipper and a gasp, the thump of two knees hitting the deck, the camera pans in on Terry's face as his his eyes close a blissful smile crosses his face and the sound track of that scene is 'sloppy X rated sump pump pulling suction' as the scene fades to black and we jump cut into Terri's office. She closes the door behind Terry and then moves over to her desk, but before she sits down she remembers something she forgot to tell Terry and goes back and opens the door and there he is, a girl's hands clenching his ass while he's humping his hips. like a dog in heat. She looks at her watch and then says, "Hey, Terry! That was only a twenty minute shot of 'Straight & UP!' and your time's up!" Side shot CU of bright delight on face of dumb blond main character turns to look of dismay as he looks down in shocked look of horror as the girl's voice says, 'Why are you going soft?' and you hear Terri's sardonic laugh cuts off as her office door closes with a click and the scene cuts to a product shot of a Straight & UP! inhaler with the logo under it, "You need it when..." and out of commercial plug and back to whatever the next scene is in the show.

This is never going to sell, obviously, simply because nobody ever heard of red time machines with Canadian beer and hockey stickers masterminding a real reality hijacking. The idea being the used mining machinery isn't worth jack diddly, but the freighter full of genetic materials from out of the past is worth a huge amount of money, but the society that sent this robbery in progress needs the genetic materials more than they do the mining equipment, so in spite of the fact that this is highly unorthodox, the value to the scientific community and to the general society and the fact that a signal element could be placed into a system of forwarding information into the future about this actually keep the game 'fairly honest'. So some crooks took advantage of loopholes in the law that apparently fully functional cross time capability has wired into the rules and regulations? Apparently you can actually work the logics of this well enough to understand that is all fictional, but after it is edited and put out on the net and printed up and published, it's a totally different ball game. Isn't it?

What happens if Terry picks up a call while Terri is away from her desk taking a pee? "Oh, hi Barry! How they hanging, dude? Just want to say Micky's a fox and you got good taste in chicks, dude, and I can say that in all honesty 'cause I don't generally swing that way, generally. So what's it like being president and living in the crown jewel of the American prison system? Got any hunk gay Secret Service types th..." and "Gimme that! You fucking idiot! No sir, not you, my rather dim non identical twin picked up my phone sir. I've told him not to play with stuff on my desk, but apparently he's genetically unable to resist a ringing telephone, and we'd normally install an aversion package in him, but then he wouldn't be able to talk on the phone at all and that would fuck up his sex life, y'know? So, you know: What's up bro?' And the idea of the blond dim bulb accidentally picking up a phone call from the President of the United States and having the smarter half of the non identical twins dickering for a presidential pardon for all the pot heads in prison that follows next hammering him to 'stop fucking around, dude! After next election you're toast anyway. This give you a chance to pay all those pricks back for Georgie Boy swiping a half a trillion dollars and getting away with it cold. It puts every private prison in America out of business and you save the tax payers tons of money and pretty well shaft the guys that stuck your administration to clean up the mess they left, What's not to like, you know? Set the slaves free, do a reverse Lincoln and give them people who served time back their rights to vote, see if you can't fix the Republican Party's ass. So they got the Jesus vote, Christ, Barry, show some balls, dude! We're getting away with this thing here, right? Uh huh. Uh huh. Well, 'hands across the isle' and all that bullshit aside, we're getting good ratings so far, but it's pretty early in the game, so let's just sweet talk them into standing still and let us give this a shot. It is a trillion bucks worth of real estate they can try and swipe, but how are they going to do that with the way we're rigging the rule book? If we play our cards right, we got this thing here by the tits and we can milk this cash cow pretty near forever. No, how could anyone catch on? You know damn good and well time travel is impossible! How they going to catch us, eh? (laughs) Hey, it might be a good idea, get the poor sucker laid, maybe he won't be so antsy about that 'designated fall guy' stuff he's so nervous about. Yeah, we'll see how it goes. Can you and Mickey make it? Aw, come on! It'll be fun! Nobody will ever suspect for a million years it's actually you guys wandering around the Ball, you know? Hell, if we can hide the crew of a star ship right out in public like that, you think we can't smuggle you guys out of the Zoo for a well earned day or two of R&R? Aw, come on! Tell the press you're up at Camp David ... I'll introduce you to some performers who won't even be sure which planet America was on! It'll be fun, Mr. President! Honestly! Well, as honest as I ever get, you have to cut me some slack on that one: The Crew wouldn't know me if I actually did something honest, you know how that goes, image and all ... yeah, well, I'll let you get back to whatever country we have to invade next and say hi to Mickey for me and tell her thanks for the pakalola. Kicked my ass, for sure! Cool, catch ya later then, dude!" (Mocking her non identical twin and Tim's way of talking, and just as sexy and dirty sounding as Terri can make her voice, which sends up the signal they've known each other a very long time before Barry became Barack. ("We Barbecue Sacred Cows and Serve Ribs Existentialist Bar And Grill" was also considered somewhere in the plot lines.) Merely referencing something offhandedly puts it into the shows stock of stunts and pranks and special effects. It's partly Rocky and Bullwinkle, which is the refrigerator and the designated fall guy. The Minister of Graft and Corruption is such a putz and the squirrel character being the Canadian red refrigerator being Mr Peabody's Time Machine and his pet human Tim is actually fronting for the time machine. Once your up to speed with that, please do not call the White House to verify if this is true or not, the writer doesn't need a tax audit!