Imagine a bunch of your co-workers went off into the forest with a Handycam and the screenplay for Aliens. Aside from a few massive hangovers, this movie is all they'd come back with.

Alien 3000 (formerly known as Unseen Evil 2, and forgive me for using such a dorky movie critic joke, but "unseen" is precisely what it should remain) is about a bunch of people (mostly soldiers) who search through the forest for a hidden alien who is also invisible. Seems that the transparent terror loves nothing more than chomping trespassers right in the torso, thereby unleashing a torrent of flimsy-looking-yet-enthusiastic gore spurtages.

There's also some to-do about a cache of hidden gold that's located in the alien's cave, but I gave up wondering why a homicidal and invisible alien from another universe would actually want a pot of gold.

And really, that's pretty much the whole of Alien 3000; a bunch of ridiculously profane* commandos wander through the woods, occasionally stopping to get torn into shreds by an alien who's fuzzily visible when invisible, and hilariously similar to a 25-dollar Halloween costume when not invisible. Expect towards the end, when the alien is all CGI, and in this instance I'm using "CGI" as an acronym for Computer Graphical Incompetence.

(* It's not enough that the charmless cast of amateur actors are commanded to scream each line of dialogue with an accompanying shower of spittle, but the screenplay is comprised of 40% expletives. Hell, I'm no prude when it comes to flinging a few F-bombs, but Alien 3000 sounds like it was written by a 14-year-old who just discovered the 13,432 ways in which words like "fuck" can be colorfully conjugated. Less than 20 minutes into the movie I wanted to smack everyone onscreen for their lame attempts at creative profanity.)

I suppose that directors James Cameron and John McTiernan should be flattered to know that Aliens and Predator are still being carbon-copied by the C-level moviemakers of the world, but as a lifelong devourer of all things sci-fi/horror related, I offer this plea: Please, folks, no more. It's been almost 20 years and you're still churning out these flimsy little retreads? You'd think you could at least plagiarize something a bit more recent , like ... Alien vs. Predator. Oh, just never mind.

The DVD

Video: Presented in a full frame transfer that affords the flick that "shot in a week" feel that's so important to schlock of Alien 3000's sub-level, the picture quality isn't all that bad. What you'll be howling at isn't the transfer; it's the special effects. (And the acting.)

Audio: Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo -- and that's pretty much all there is to say. Moving on. Oh yes, optional Spanish subtitles are available, although "MUTE" is your best option, regardless of what language you speak.

Extras: Proving that at least someone at Lions Gate has a sense of humor regarding this woefully inept movie, we're offered a 3-minute exclusive interview with Alien 3000. I'm not saying it's funny, but watching a guy in an alien head as he answers a few corny questions -- more entertaining than the movie itself. (Mainly because it's only three minutes long.) Also included are a bunch of trailers for Undead, The Devil's Rejects, They Are Among Us, Rottweiler, Premonition, Possessed, Dracula 3000, and Zodiac Killer.

Final Thoughts

The DVD cover has an alien that looks like it was yanked directly out of Ridley Scott's original Alien, and the tag-line reads "A new breed of predator." I mean, these guys aren't even trying to hide their shame. Oh, and Lorenzo Lamas and Priscilla Barnes are in the movie for a combined total of nine minutes, which logically means that their names are credited above the title. All those Lamas loons are going to be seriously disappointed.