I know I haven’t been around here in a while, but I need a little SI support.

What the fuck is with people dating when they aren’t ready/able to date? WTF???

I started spending time with an old friend as “more than a friend” in November. We go back 10 years, we’ve always been close, but it was always just a friendship. Long story short, he is in school back in my hometown which is about 4 hours from where I am currently living. I go home often to see friends and family and we started spending time more together.

He came to visit me a couple of weekends ago and we had a great time. A week or so after he left, we were talking on the phone and had THE TALK, that exclusive talk that I have always heard about but have been to chicken to actually have with anyone. It went well (or so I thought), I’m busy with work and he’s busy with school and there is distance between us but we were on the same page as to what we wanted, ect. I was supposed to go visit next weekend and attend an event with him.
Fast forward to tonight, we’re talking and kind of out of the blue he drops the bomb that he doesn’t have time for this with all that is going on with school. Understandable, but why? Why lead me on? Why have this talk just days ago? Why the all of a sudden change of heart?

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I feel like our friendship will forever be changed because of this and when we had the talk I told him that was my biggest fear with turning our friendship into a relationship – I didn’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him as a friend anymore. This whole thing sucks.

Then of course the BS demons that I thought I had conquered come out – he has a lot of female friends in his program, maybe he wants something to happen with one of them. He is attending a wedding in a few weeks and I know an old flame will be there, maybe he is hoping something will happen there. Maybe I did/said something when he was here that turned him off. He didn’t even ask if I still wanted to attend the event as friends… this sucks.

Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1743 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast

Williesmom♀ 22870Member # 22870

Posted: 6:55 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014

((CS)). That does suck.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7988 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA

Amazonia♀ 32810Member # 32810

Posted: 7:22 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014

I wonder if this is an instance of misconstrued expectations. As in, here:

I’m busy with work and he’s busy with school and there is distance between us but we were on the same page as to what we wanted, ect.

You maybe weren't actually on the same page, and he has expectations of how he ought to behave in a relationship, and feels he owes you more time than he's able to give.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14049 | Registered: Jul 2011

completeshock♀ 19334Member # 19334

Posted: 7:25 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014

You maybe weren't actually on the same page, and he has expectations of how he ought to behave in a relationship, and feels he owes you more time than he's able to give.

We hashed all this out, in more detail than I thought it really needed. LOL. Guess I was wrong, maybe he changed his mind. Who knows.

Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1743 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast

hurtbs♀ 10866Member # 10866

Posted: 7:35 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014

complete, I was going to suggest that perhaps he doesn't want to invest the time. The "I don't have time to date" line is often a nice brush off.

I'm not trying to be mean, I just don't want you to pine after this guy thinking that once he gets through school then it will happen.

I'm sorry, whatever is going on it sucks when the breaks get put on a relationship.

Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid

Posts: 15452 | Registered: Jun 2006

PhoenixRisen35912Member # 35912

Posted: 9:06 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014

Idk...
I just read "He's Just Not That Into You" & they say if he was really interested he'd find the time & many times someone uses that excuse (time) because its easier to say then "I'm just not into you" esp if he's lead you on or you've been intimate

Posts: 515 | Registered: Jun 2012

cayc♀ 21964Member # 21964

Posted: 9:07 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014

Mmm. When a person has an exclusive conversation, a conversation that defines dating ... sometimes the aftermath is sheer panic and a rush to self protection e.g. I can't do this, "I don't have time to date."

You have several courses of action here.

1. NC, always a winner because it prevents more damage/pain.
2. Pretend you don't care, rugsweep and allow yourself to be worked over, i.e. offer friendship when you don't really feel it.
3. Allow a little grace in your heart to see that maybe he's in panic mode and just be nice about is so that when he calms down, he can circle back and ... apologize ... make it right ... etc.

If you choose 3, it might change the outcome or it might not (in so far as if he can really date you) but 3 recognizes that you weren't lied to per se. I'm thinking he may not have been lying when he had the exclusive conversation but rather only when he offered the milquetoast excuse.

(((completeshock)))

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3290 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico

completeshock♀ 19334Member # 19334

Posted: 9:19 PM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014

Mmm. When a person has an exclusive conversation, a conversation that defines dating ... sometimes the aftermath is sheer panic and a rush to self protection e.g. I can't do this, "I don't have time to date."
You have several courses of action here.

1. NC, always a winner because it prevents more damage/pain.
2. Pretend you don't care, rugsweep and allow yourself to be worked over, i.e. offer friendship when you don't really feel it.
3. Allow a little grace in your heart to see that maybe he's in panic mode and just be nice about is so that when he calms down, he can circle back and ... apologize ... make it right ... etc.

If you choose 3, it might change the outcome or it might not (in so far as if he can really date you) but 3 recognizes that you weren't lied to per se. I'm thinking he may not have been lying when he had the exclusive conversation but rather only when he offered the milquetoast excuse.

I think I'm going with NC for the moment. I mean I am not against talking with him if he reaches out to me, but I have no intentions of reaching out to him at the moment. Live and learn I guess. Onward and upward.

Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1743 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast

completeshock♀ 19334Member # 19334

Posted: 1:42 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014

Fuck that guy.

Yep, there was someone else. Seriously? 10 years of friendship and he had to go and do that. Fuck that guy. Seriously. Fuck. That. Guy.

Not to be dramatic, but of all the people in the world he would be the absolute LAST one I would suspect would have done that.

Why would he have pushed a "relationship" so hard if this is what he was going to do?

Yeah, I get it. He did cut things off with me first and that makes me feel oh, so better about it. I feel so fucked over right now.

Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1743 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast

phmh♀ 34146Member # 34146

Posted: 1:46 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014

(((completeshock)))

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

There are a LOT of fucked up people in the world.

Just keep reminding yourself that you got through the infidelity -- you'll get through this.

It still sucks, though.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 3688 | Registered: Dec 2011

hurtbs♀ 10866Member # 10866

Posted: 1:49 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014

What an asshole, I'm sorry.

Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid

Posts: 15452 | Registered: Jun 2006

nowiknow23♀ 33226Member # 33226

Posted: 1:57 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014

Ugh! I'm so sorry, honey. What an ass. ((((hugs))))

You can call me NIK

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 28330 | Registered: Aug 2011

completeshock♀ 19334Member # 19334

Posted: 2:15 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014

Why throw away 10 years of friendship? I was perfectly happy just being friends. He was the one that pushed for more. Why ask for more if it isn't what you really want?

Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1743 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast

better4me♀ 30341Member # 30341

Posted: 4:31 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014

I'm so sorry CS. Good riddance but still---- Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Why ask for more if it isn't what you really want?

Some people don't really know what they want...they think they do, but what happens next scares them...I think it has more to do with him, than you...maybe he realized that you would be better off without him...

[This message edited by better4me at 4:34 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3269 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa

InnerLight♀ 19946Member # 19946

Posted: 5:32 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014

Wow. What an idiot to have ruined your friendship for nothing.

BS, now age 54, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 14016 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston

completeshock♀ 19334Member # 19334

Posted: 7:36 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014

Thanks for all the love. I just got home from roller derby practice, a herd of women hitting each other has real calming effect. LOL

Now I just need to stop myself from looking at his FB. I'm not ready to block him quite yet, we have a lot of mutual friends and I don't want to be fielding those questions right now. Luckily, I've gotten really good at this focusing on myself thing. I just need to ignore, ignore, ignore.