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Sunday, January 7, 2018

Spaaannnkkk Meeeeeeee

I’m getting a little needy around the edges.

I really need
a spanking.

It’s not just me, though. Lots of submissives say they feel this way, sometimes, and so many have told me they get frustrated, because a Dominant
partner (usually new to the scene) won’t understand why we need to be spanked even when we’ve been good and haven’t
broken any rules.

Most of the spankings I get are to keep me submissive, to
relieve stress, or to remind me of my place. It’s so incredibly difficult to
get myself in my submissive headspace all alone. I need more. I need help to get there most days. Sure I can submit to Jason without his help, it’s
just so much harder to do that.

Today, we were busy first thing in the morning. I didn’t
bring him his coffee early enough before church,and we’ve been going ever since. I gave him a
little pouty face at one point, and he warned, “Be careful, little girl. You
don’t want that pout to get you in trouble,” to which I responded, “Yes, Daddy.”
But I’m dying for some attention. Problem is, I have to actually make time for
that to happen and so does he. We will. We need to.

I know that if I go too long at the edge of “I need a
spanking” I’ll topple into trouble territory. And he knows, and has said as much, that if he doesn't give me what I need
in a preemptive fashion, that it’ll take far longer to unravel me than it
does to pull me over his knee and spank me soundly.

The problem is, I don’t always need a severe spanking, but I
do need a good thorough one. When it comes to a spanking that puts me in my
place, or relieves stress, I need the whole shebang. Daddy tells me to get over
his lap. My “take charge” begins to quiet. He talks to me about my duties and
my roles, and what he expects, and might remind me that he loves me and that I’m
a good girl. Then I need that spanking to help me let go. It can’t be a “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am,” because it
really isn’t about the pain. It’s about the exchange of power, me telling him, “Here,
I trust you, please help me stay focused/behave/relax/obey” but most of all I trust you, and it’s him saying “Here’s
your reminder to behave, that I’m in change and you’re not/ focus here on this
and nothing else/ quiet your mind and listen,” but what I hear above all is I love you.

There are oh sooooo many pyschological studies out there
that show how participants in BDSM frequently welcome an altered psychological
state. Now, whenever I make any correlations on this blog to BDSM, I have
people writing to me to remind me that Domestic Discipline or Dominance and Submission
aren’t the same as BDSM. Yep. I do
get that. However, there really aren’t many studies (any?) that study the finer
nuances of DD or D/s, so it stands to reason for those who are interested in
geeky data science (meee!), that we take what we can from BDSM research and
leave the rest. Why throw the baby out with the bathwater?

I’m not a masochist. I’m a submissive. And those two aren’t
the same. Because of that distinction, submitting to a spanking doesn’t always
arouse me. I’m not wired to be turned on with the pain; I’m wired to be turned
on by the exchange of power. So his dominance – his instructions – his rules,
and reminding me to behave, and telling me to stay on track – that’s what I
need. That’s what makes me feel calm. That’s what turns me on. But the spanking
solidifies our roles. From the purely scientific perspective, research shows us that people who practice BDSM experience a rise in cortisol levels. This is why one can get to a state of sub-space, and why submissives often feel more relaxed and at peace after a spanking. Spanking is a multi-faceted cure. When we are put over the knee, our minds are cleared. We are reminded who’s in charge. We share an intimate moment. We get a jolt of those “feel good” hormones, and a stinging reminder that we are special, and we really crave that attention.When I don’t get spanked often enough, I get this itch, and it’s really, really freaking hard to scratch that itch on my own, like smack dab in the middle of my back where my fingers don’t reach. So today, I have a job.

I need to tell my man I need him.He wants to meet my needs. He expects me to come to him. And though part of me doesn’t want to (remember…spankings hurt…and I’m a wimp), I know I’ll be far, far better off if I submit myself to him in this and tell him my needs.Dominants… never underestimate the power of a spanking, even when your submissive partner has behaved. I daresay, especially when he or she has.Submissives… bring your needs to your Dominant. While it may be their job to meet our needs, it’s our to tell them what they are.

I so agree with this post, Jane. There have been times since I lost Matthew that I almost crave a spanking and it isn't the spanking itself as much as it's everything it conveyed and stood for. Thanks for sharing.

love love love this. i get it totally. so i've learned to just crawl over Daddy's knee and he'll know what to do. is that topping? not for us. it's just my way of letting him know i'm feeling needy, little , and wanting to be reassured that he's still in charge.

Hello again. I’ve commented before so you may remember me but to refresh your memory… My wife and I have been D/s for approximately a year and a half. I think like most D/s couples, the holiday season is challenging because of so many outside commitment and in our case, the kids being home from school for weeks. We have not had the privacy required to engage with each other the way we normally do. Another challenge for us is the fact that I am the one who brought D/s to us. I say it’s a challenge because it seems to be much more typical that the wife or the submissive initiates this dynamic. As a consequence, I’m always struggling with a doubt about just how much my wife wants this. She swears that she loves it and it’s obvious to us both that it has dramatically improved our relationship and dynamic. However, it is not something she initiates conversing about. It’s not something she ever researches online or attempts to explore on her own. It is all driven by me. Because I care for her very much and because I find this dynamic very fulfilling, I discuss it with her often. She’s happy to talk about it with me but because she never brings it up or looks to explore it on her own… I wonder if she’s just doing it for me. From what I read online it seems most submissives can not live without the dynamic once they discover it inside themselves. I’m not sure that’s true for my wife. This is where my doubts creep in. I struggle with thinking… maybe she isn’t submissive… again, maybe she’s just doing it for me. Yesterday was a low point. She was just not being submissively respectful in the way that we have agreed upon. Nothing too bad at all, in a vanilla marriage it would be undetectable. But for us, it was off. I began indulging my doubts… maybe she’s just not wired to be submissive? Maybe I’m the only who is getting anything out of this? Then I read your blog entry this morning… and realize it is exactly what I need to hear. My wife is not a masochist. I don’t know that she ever wants a spanking but I know without a doubt she needs one from time to time. Like you say in your blog, my wife needs a spanking to remind her of our dynamic, to remind her of her place, and to feel my dominance over her. I think where I continue to make mistakes is in that I expect her to “be submissive” and in truth I need to take more action that “reminds her to be submissive.” I’m beginning to understand that my wife is not one who is going to be submissive all on her own. I need to constantly keep her in that place. We do use punishments but honestly, I still struggle with them. While I love giving her a sexual spanking and reminder spankings or maintenance spankings… I definitely have a hard time giving a real punishment spanking. We have done them for sure but I’ve only felt them being truly effective a few times. Perhaps what I discovered from your blog this morning is that my girl needs regular maintenance spankings to keep her in her submissive head space. Anyway, this is my long winded way of telling you… thank you.

I'd like to make a suggestion and hope I'm not overstepping. But having been in your exact position at least partially, I'd like to offer perspective from my experience.

I, too, brought this to Jason, though he had a natural Dom in him and he initiated discipline. That said, Jason does NOT have a spank kink. He has less than zero interest in discussing other people's dynamics (hates it, doesn't even want to hear about it), rarely initiates conversations about it, etc. He's not into "the dynamic." He's into US. He loves ME. And because he's the dominant partner, that does mean that he drives this in many ways but still, it's only in a way contingent on "us," and never in any way connected to D/s in and of itself.

So, for a long time I wondered if he only did it for me. But then I realized something I'd like to share with you. Unless he was either a terribly passive person OR dishonest, when he told me that he enjoyed what this dynamic does for us, that he was happy to partake in the lifestyle, etc., I decided that it was in both of our best interests to stop questioning. One day he finally summed it up for me. "I don't do this because I want to spank you. I don't do this because I even want to. I do this because it's the most loving thing."

That was hard for me to accept. Was it right of ME to take, knowing it was an act of self giving on his part? But then I realized... why should my own need for affirmation rob him from doing what is essentially an act of kindness? At that point, I made a decision. I would accept this as an act of love from him, and do everything in my power to love him back.

Now, Jason IS a naturally dominant man. He far prefers leading to following. So when we began this, he took to it naturally. That said, if your wife also expresses happiness in the dynamic, I daresay a part of her (even if she isn't into the spank "kink" and perhaps disinterested in the lifestyle itself), IS wired submissively. I often think those who end up in this dynamic were attracted to intrinsic D/s traits in the other partner from the very beginning. I offer this all as food for thought.

There ARE partners who foist this on the other, and in that case my advice is very different. But that doesn't sound like the case here at all.

That said, I'm glad the post helped you. Yes, when submission slips, I find we often need a little "help" along the way. Jason gives that to me, and it very well could be that your wife needs the same. She may struggle with it, but continue to communicate openly. Often an act of dominance, combined with undivided attention, does wonders for a submissive mindset.

Thank you for the very thoughtful reply J Girl. And no, you are absolutely not overstepping! In truth, your blog has been instrumental and incredibly helpful to me as we've embarked on this journey. I've done an enormous about of research since first stumbling upon the Taken in Hand site almost two years ago. From there my research and exploration of this dynamic has taken many twists and turns until finally we discovered that we are 24/7 D/s. Your blog has been and continues to be a central resource for me. As I mentioned, my wife isn't terribly expressive our dynamic other than her saying how much she loves the results. She is shy and reserved about the particulars, the nuts and bolts, along the way. It's my role to stay tuned into her very closely so that I can see what she responds to positively and what seems to not work well. One of the reasons I have found your blog so helpful is because you are yourself a submissive woman. I understand that no two submissives are alike, however, it's been beneficial seeing a woman's perspective on the issue. It also helps that you and your husband seem like you could be neighbors. When I started down this path I was almost scared off by some of the more intense BDSM and D/s sites. I'm all for the kink but I won't be constructing a dungeon in our basement any time soon.

I appreciate your advice from yesterday. And you are right, best to trust and accept her at her word that she loves this. As I mentioned, the real lesson for me in all this was that I can not expect my wife to always be submissive just because she is my submissive... when I feel her wavering I need to step up my dominance in order to bring out and focus her submission. Really what it boils down to is more work for me! Ha! Which is kind of the whole point of being Dominant isn't it?

Hi, Curious Cat. Yes, although we are all individuals, there are oh so many similarities with those of us who share common interests. This is why I keep blogging... I do glean a lot from it myself. But I think there's a shared connection lifestylers have, and that it's so helpful to make those connections when we focus on our own journeys. Otherwise, it can sometimes be terribly isolating.

You know, it's funny. I have often said to submissives, "Are you always submissive? No. It isn't reasonable, then, to expect your dominant to always be dominant." It takes a great deal of energy to submit as well as dominant, because as you point out, so many factors are at play. Whereas one challenge for a submissive is actually accepting the authority of another, the challenge for a dominant is actually having to lead the other. Yes, it is more work for you. ;) But I can attest from my own experience, it is usually very much worth the effort. :) Best of luck to you!

It is a huge help with many different aspects of dd, whether getting the other partner on board to fine tuning the dynamic. And luckily, it is still there (Taken in Hand was the best forum ever on male led relationships, IMO. A few hours using the search button on there can yield a treasure trove of perspectives.)

The spanking itch is hard to admit to... but with time, it gets easier. I mean, who wants to say "please spank me?" Not me! It hurts to get spanked. Gosh do I feel better afterward, though. I hope you got what you needed! Thank you for your encouraging post and for stopping by. :)

Hmm. There have been times when goals have been increased, expectations raised, yes. I'm not sure it would be helpful or not at this juncture, since we're in a good rhythm. I do enjoy when he has higher expectations, though.... sometimes. I think his concern is with so much on my plate it would increase stress for me, but it's definitely something we've done in the past.

You're right. I did indeed discuss this with Jason, who said emphatically that my expectations were high enough (actually, he thinks my own expectations for myself could lighten up), and that "you need more attention from me, not rules." We've been focusing on that, and it really was what I needed.

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This is a blog containing adult content. The topics addressed are Dominance and Submission, which include Domestic Discipline and spanking. We are a married D/S couple, exploring how an all-encompassing dynamic of Dominance and Submission bring us peace and intimacy. If such subjects offend you, please do not read. If these are subjects of interest to you, welcome.

We support "safe, sane, consensual" D/S dynamics. Please use caution when engaging in bdsm and D/S activities. I urge all readers to read my cautionary post HERE before reading other posts.