Thursday, March 26, 2015

For a long time now I have been frustrated with this blog.Not because I don't love to do it--- because I really do-- but because of some technical issues with this particular blog platform.It just isn't the easiest one to use: It frequently dumps what I am doing without saving the post. Downloading pictures isn't too bad but putting them where I want them to be is crazy making. Sometimes I hit the 'enter' button only to have the pictures re-arrange themselves in a random manner. It can take me an hour just to get pictures to be where I want them--- or I just give up and let them be where they decide to stay. So I have been doing some research and I believe I am figuring out where to move my blog. I believe I will be able to re-tool and re-format this blog into something a lot more fun to read and easier to put together. And being easier and faster to post means I have more time to post more often.I will be sure to let you know when to move to the new domain.In the meantime I would love to get some feedback from all of you. And by 'all of you' I really do mean ALL of you.At the very least I would love it if you would comment here or send me a quick email or post a comment on facebook telling me who you are and any small demographic information you would care to share (like where you live or how oldish you are or if you) I would like to know what kind of content is most interesting to you or any feedback you may have.I know that I get a lot of spammers that send me messages--- if that is 'you' please feel free to just move along and spam somewhere else. And because I know there are people out there just looking to send me messages trying to get me to sell stuff I am not sure how accurate my readership numbers and my viewing statistics really are. I don't know how many of you are out there.(OMG it just dumped and lost half a post)Anyhow........ Please do let me know you are out there. Hopefully I will get back up and running soon!!Hugs and Kisses~~~LeAnn

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

All day long today I have teetered on the edge.Because it has not been a good day at work.It started out with a text message when it was still far too dark outside-- even taking Daylight Savings Time into account-- from my boss letting me know that one of our crew got into an accident in a company vehicle which did not have an insurance card in the glove box. And so I jumped into something presentable (if only in comparison to my jammies) and hauled butt into my office where I had to admit (after an exhaustive search) that this newish truck did not appear to be insured. I do not know how I managed to transfer title and register a truck without proof of insurance--- but I am just that good incompetent.And the day went downhill from there.I wish I were one of those people who deflect blame for their mistakes but I am usually busy taking all the blame for everything. I mean, I still blame myself for my divorce and most people that know the story think that is ludicrous. And by ludicrous I mean ridiculous, not the rapper. Because I don't even know him and for sure don't think I am him. That is ridiculous.Anyhow......So I spent most of the day wavering between ** self flagellation and having an inner debate about cookies.Because about 94.75% of my brain really believes that food really will solve every problem and the reason I am so stressed out is because I haven't had chocolate in ages. Or ice cream. Ice cream works too. I wish that my brain believed that "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" but my brain thinks that is BS. Number 1: I have no idea what skinny feels like. Nor do I understand "bootilicious" or "chunky" or even 'heavy' I only know what FAT feels like and I really have nothing to compare that to. Unless you count self-loathing and guilt. Because if I balance Chocolate cake followed by a Self Loathing and Guilt chaser vs another bowl of broccoli with a side of unresolved stress.... I go with the broccoli these days. But it doesn't feel good. It feels bad. And by bad I mean crappy. And by crappy I really mean a VERY BAD WORD that I won't say in case Grandma J. is reading this. After hours and hours of being incompetent and stressed out and fantasising about the Double D Cupcake store down the street... I finally snuck into the back storage room and sat in the dark to think about my life. Which was awesome and yet did not make me stop thinking about Costco muffins. Go figure. And because I was raised to have extremely low expectations in life I did an inventory of the likelihood that I could make enough money doing free lance accounting or being the Very Best Hamburger flipper at McDonalds or creating the world's most impressive 'Will Work For Frappacinos" panhandling sign and decided (once again) that regardless of what level of Hell I was living in right now that the grass is never ever greener on the other side. Even if I am living in the radioactive fallout of a hundred nuclear bombs it is still better than what is "Out There", Because "Out There" may be zombies or goldfish or never ending bowls of broccoli with no hope of chocolate.And the vocabulary word of the day (just in case you weren't raised to hate yourself properly) is:

Noun

1.

self-flagellation -self-punishmentinflicted by whipping.

PS: I had two plain rice cakes with peanut butter while I wrote this. And I still feel bad about myself. Right? Oh Yeah

Sunday, March 15, 2015

So here is a quick update on how my 2015 goals are going:Diet---So far so good. Mostly. Last Friday I did have a meltdown which resulted in consuming actual meat. I am an omnivore, dammit. I needed some meat. It was so good. It was amazing. This is not to say I haven't had ANY meat since the first of the year, just the first time I have had a piece of meat that was big enough to need to be cut into pieces. I would say it was better than sex but who am I trying to kid-- I haven't had sex in 18 years. It is not like I even remember it any more. Teeth: Halfway through my dental work. Only have a root canal, crown and 6 fillings to fix. Currently the gums are still healing from the wisdom teeth extractions from 2 weeks ago. I say this optimistically because right now there are two places in my mouth where the jawbone is exposed and I am told that 'Hopefully the gums will fill it". Meanwhile my tongue is going crazy wanting to touch it and see if it is still exposed. Like 100 times a day it has to wander over there and check it out. I would have pictures of it but my phone camera won't flash inside my mouth. Trust me I have tried. And I cannot get anyone around me to feel it and/or take a picture. I have made repeated requests too. NadaWork-- still sucks. Today we went to breakfast and the waitress' boss had taped a "KICK ME" sigh on her back and all I could think of was how lucky she was that at least HER BOSS ISN'T PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.My Parents: Today we went out to see my Dad's gravemarker and it was the first time to see both their names on their headstone together- which was touching. (Brief stop for inappriopriate humor. It was touching emotionally. They actually have their own grave markers that aren't touching. Someone mentioned going to the zoo today and I had a thought that a cemetary is kinda like a zoo for dead people. Think about it). And a little startling I guess seeing it in words. I haven't made a lot of headway settling their estate because my dad was pretty OCD about keeping everything. Which is good and bad. The good part is I have A MILLION PIECES of paper so chances are I have something for every situation. The bad part is that he moved things around a lot from bank to bank and spread them around to several accounts in each bank. And his life insurance and federal savings accounts got sold and moved and so I am just sending out letters everywhere and hoping something sticks. We went through their whole house with a fine toothed comb and didn't find a money stash which I just find hard to believe. He was the 'cash hidden in a book type' for sure. But just to through off any burglars off he either hid it so well no one would ever find it or just let people THINK he was a hoarder but actually spent it all on online gambling or something else that would leave no clue as to where it all went. I mean the man had a sour cream tub on his counter he kept food scraps in-- you can't tell me there isn't some bugging out money in that house somewhere.Parker: My grandson is so amazing. Every day he makes me just stop and feel so blessed to have him in my life. Also there are times where I ponder how someone so small can be so crazy already. He reminds me of my Mother: He talks all the time. He will fall asleep talking and wake up talking like he never stopped. He doesn't require, nor especially prefer, that I participate in the conversation. (To be succinct-- it hardly qualifies as a conversation it is so one sided) Both of them say (said) a lot of things that don't make sense. Both of them jump from subject to subject and expect me to have made the jump with them.The other day he pooped in his diaper, took it off and brought it to his mom. We realized it is time to potty train. Oh, wait.... we don't POTTY TRAIN these days, right young moms? It is Toilet Teaching? Because you TRAIN a dog but you TEACH your toddler. Oh, and I suppose it isn't okay to use electric shock any more either? Or the switch off the tree outside. Is it still okay to use M & Ms for rewards? Yeah and I suppose you have to use ORGANIC WHOLE GRAIN Oaty Oohs in the toilet for target practice? For his 2nd birthday his Papa Fenner (an aged man with a long gray beard who whittles animals out of driftwood and eats head cheese) got him an Elmo Potty Seat. This is awesome. Lauren got it out today. When you 'flush' it Elmo chortles and it makes a flushing sound. I already hate it. Why does EVERY kids toy have to make sounds. I mean COME ON.... SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO GROW OLD HERE!I gotta go...........

Sunday, February 22, 2015

You can call them 'resolutions' or 'goals' or whatever word fits. For me, I have made a decision to be intentional about my health.Being 'Intentional' is a big goal of mine. Being reactionary has resulted in a lot of regrets. Ignoring reality hasn't served me well either. Well, maybe sometimes. Sometimes there is just too much reality to really focus on it.This past 5 years have been rough in relation to my parents and their health. It seemed impossible to really feel satisfied with their situation. It seemed it always felt as if we were not sure if they were getting proper medical attention. We were not sure how much of their complaints were 'real' and how much was exaggerated and how much was ignored on their part. Until my mom passed away it seemed as though they were caring for each other well enough. They were eating well. They were safe. Once she was gone there was never a time we felt that way for our dad. Was his confusion temporary grief or a fast onset of dementia that he would never recover and become the person he was? Was hiring a caregiver the right thing to do? Full Time Caregiver: 10 on the safety scale. 2 on the comfort scale. He hated having people in his house. Living alone without a full time caregiver was about a 3 on the safety scale (but only because we won the battle of the Medical Alert system) but about a 9 on the comfort scale. Driving: when he was allowed to drive he was a 9 on the independence scale and when he wasn't he was a 0 and hated it. He also snuck out and drove around even when we thought we had keys and an air tight agreement with him not to drive.Overall it was a never ending sense of not doing enough and not doing it right.Then there was my job. Which was and is a never ending horror show.Then there was the house moveAnd the grandbaby (good stress but still stress... will I be able to provide for him since I am no spring chicken)Etc Etc Etc....And appearing pretty much nowhere on the list was LeAnnAnd since there just was no time and no emotional energy left over I employed an impressive amount of ignoring what was going on in my own body.So the weight was at an all time high And my teeth were crackingAnd the blood pressure was highAnd there was the vertigo and the chronic disk painAnd the diabetes.I think I was the most purposely ignorant of my diabetes. Looking back now that I am forcing myself to deal with it I can see how poorly I was even trying to treat it.My niece and nephew are Type 1 diabetics which basically means they have no working pancreas whatsoever. It may as well not even be there. They have to regulate their blood sugar by injecting insulin. They will always have to do that (barring a cure which would rock). Type 2 diabetics may or may not need injections because their pancreas works on and off. It just does a really crappy job.Looking back now I realize that I treated having diabetes like it wasn't a big deal. It wasn't a real issue-- more like okay you are obese and diabetic.... blah blah blah.... I didn't visit the doctor because I didn't want to hear how bad my A1C reading was (that is a reading that basically indicates how controlled your diabetes is). I wasn't monitoring my blood sugar. I was eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. I was eating a lot of carbs (which converts to sugar) and I felt super crappy all the time. And I have lost feeling in the top half of my feet.It has been interesting to force myself to really pay attention to my body. I realized I had to lose weight for many reasons. I started researching bariatric surgery. I found out I would have to give up soda for that. That stopped me cold. It sounds ridiculous but I really wasn't sure I could do that. Part of why I opened my eyes to the truth was because I had a little money to work with from the sale of our house. That made dental work (no insurance) an option. It made bariatric surgery a possibility So these days I am on Jenny Craig where I don't weigh myself so I don't know how the numbers add up. What I do know is that my blood sugar is looking good and I know because I do my finger sticks and check it like I should. And the doc took me off some of my blood pressure meds. I am in visit 3 of 7 for my dental work. I am having cracked wisdom teeth pulled on the 27th. Yay (not). I haven't had soda in a month. Who knew I would like those little water drop things? I am still in chronic pain from the disk problems and I will get around to that eventually I guess. And I am getting a really cute medical alert bracelet so if I pass out someone could do something fast. I have gotten really close to that a few times no thanks to my crappy pancreas.So now I am working on being proactive. So that is good.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I like to experiment with my hair.If I were young I would probably have violet or teal colored hair but since I am firmly middle aged I stick to more natural colors. And by 'natural' I mean they might possibly be represented in nature one at a time but not in any other combination.Eventually, if you switch from red to blond to burgandy to brown etc etc etc.... you damage your hair.After the last highlighting binge my hair was pretty fried. So I got it trimmed. And by 'trimmed' I mean cut really short. Like 'Peter Pan Trying To Look Like a Boy' short. Just short of Sinead O'Connor short. Like Justin Bieber short.Too ShortI don't like it. At all.Some days I wear a beret but I am not really sure I rock it. When I am not wearing the hat my piggy bank, Senor Pig wears it. He looks pretty good

By the time I get up in the morning my cpap straps have it looking like I was electrocuted.And now that it is starting to grow out millimeter by millimeter..... the grey is starting to show. Also the natural hair that is not yet gray is brunette. So basically I look like a calico cat is asleep on my head

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Remember how one of my 'goals' for 2015 is to have more fun? ('Member That?')(Who know what show that is from? Current show....)It may be possible that I have done a teeeny weeensy bit of regression....Or maybe it is just a bit of Mid Life RebellionCall it what you may. Tell me what you think!Monday I am over at the Oral Surgeon's office where they are taking another round of x-rays of my Incredible Erupting & Splitting Wisdom teeth.Here is the exchange:Tech: Okay we are going to put you in that head vise over there and once I have stepped away where it is safe I am going to push a button and the arms of the machine are going to press so hard against your temples that your eyeballs pop out and roll around on the floor to ever so gently cradle your head in position so we can take a panoramic picture of your whole entire mouth as well as the back of your head.Me: Ummmm okay?Tech: First you need to take everything out of your mouthMe: (spitting out my chewing tobacco, a big double wad of Bubblicious, couple of rubber bands, a hamster, my tongue, some paper clips, a spit wad I was saving for when I got back to my office and some toe nails (not saying who's))Tech: And you will need to take off your earrings.Me: My earrings?Tech: Yes, your earrings.Me: ALL of them?Tech: How many ways do I have to explain that you need to take out all your earrings or they will heat up until your ear lobes catch fire and make your brain boil like a saucepan of oatmeal?Me: (Whining) But I just got my ears pierced. Again. Do I have to take the new ones out?Tech: Seriously?(At this point I feel like I should pause to confess that I recently got my ears pierced. Again. So that makes 6 piercings. Buahahhhwahhh... NOT IN BOTH EARS! How crazy is that.... After 3 they are cartilage piercings. I checked. I have 3 in each ear. That is right I AM a bad ass)Me: (Insert mental picture of Puss In Boots doing his pleading kitty cat face)Tech: Take. Out. All. Your. EarringsOf course I forgot to put them back in so I had to re-pierce the new holes later that night. Did you want to hear about that?Hello?Hello?(Tap Tap)Is this thing on?