Adultery/mess

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Expert: Pete Uglow - 12/30/2012

QuestionQUESTION: I recently found out my wife cheated on me and that my youngest child is not mine. This has been very traumatic for me and it has made it ten times worse that my wife has absolutely no remorse for her actions and doesn't feel anything wrong was done. She has refused couples counseling and since I found out about all this I find it incredibly hard to trust her and the fact that she absolutely refuses to even discuss the issue has made it to were I don't want to talk to her about anything or even have sex with her at all. I kind of find her well disgusting. It's bad enough she had sex with different people but to actually have their baby and then falsify a DNA test to make it appear its mine is beyond my comfort level. If she's able to do this I keep thinking what else is she capable of. I have no trust and she gets angry with ME because I won't be affectinate but I can't theres an elephant in the room that needs to be addressed so that I can build trust again and she refuses to discuss it. Her attitude is the past is in the past get over it..if all of life where that simple there would be a need for Counseling and she wouldn't weight 400 pounds cause she can't let go of her parents divorcing when a child. Yes I want to move on from this and leave it in the past but she's part of the past I want to leave. The trouble is I do have another daughter that is mine and this child that appparantly came from an orgy she has no clue who her father is and I can't hurt the kid after all it isn't her fault at all but she is a constant reminder of her infidelity and it isn't my fault either. Any advise on how to handle this situation? Again the worst part of it is her fu get over it attitude if she showed she was at least sorry for doing this maybe I could work with it but because she just doesn't care it makes me not care about her.

ANSWER: Hi Mark,

Hey Buddy - I get it - I really do. I really feel your pain, your loneliness, your emptiness and feelings of confusion and fear. You are having to come to terms with a lot of things emotionally.

You are absolutely right - there is a huge elephant in the room. You guys need help. You have suggested it and are reaching out for help. She is petrified of revealing to anybody what she's done in case she gets to feel blamed for everything - that's the only reason people don't want to go to counselling.

Mark, I can answer some of your questions here, and will do that, but you guys need to talk to someone. I would be willing to call you. I live in the UK - I would be willing to arrange a good time to call. I also know some people in the US who can help you.

I know your wife is unwilling to go to counselling right now, but that doesn't matter. You can be helped to help her lessen her fear of it. In time, I could help her understand why she is afraid of it and suggest a particular type of counselling that could really help you guys a lot.

Mark, also, just so you can get to see who I am, visit www.realloveuk.com/about-real-love-uk

I don't usually answer like this on here, I would try and write an answer which explains lots of things. There is too much to explain here for the level of pain you guys are in.

Get back to me about my offer to call you.

Really caring for you
Pete

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Pete. We actually did go to two couples counseling sessions and she quit after the second one because she said it was none of their business what our problems are. She will not under any circumstances go again, I've tried. Sometimes a relationhip cannot and should not be saved and I feel this is one of those times. She obviously has some issues she needs to deal with before she can have a functional relationship and me begging her to get counseling is only lowering my self esteem to her level and I need to move forward confidently for my kids. In other words scew her I'm moving on to find a.decent human being to spend the rest of my life with. Thank you very much for your help and concern though but reading what I wrote initially I realized how weak I've become Nd how I don't want to be a doormat anymore.

AnswerHi Mark,

My wife Nikki and I went to counselling too and it didn't work either - I was actually the one who wouldn't participate. But then we found something completely different - and it is this that transformed our life and could transform yours. You are both in a lot of pain and have no idea of what is causing it - me and Nikki didn't, most of the world don't know, and unfortunately, as we found out too, most counsellors have absolutely no idea what is actually at the root to all of the problems in your relationship. We only know now because we discovered a guy called Dr Greg Baer (who is in Rome, GA).

You are right Mark not to want to beg your wife to go into counselling again. Wouldn't YOU like to know where it has all gone wrong, so that you can learn to make sure you find the right person next time and don't end up in a similar mess. Most people are really good at hiding their issues to start with - we can help you make sure you can uncover these before you commit to someone else long term. Also, the stuff going on in your relationship WILL have had an effect on your kids. You can learn to heal that for their sake too.

You are right about your wife needing help. You can address this with her as follows; Sweetheart - our relationship has not been good for some time. I know that I have played a large part in our problems. I am going to learn all about what has gone wrong, initially for my own sake, but also for the sake of the children. I don't need you to do this with me - it is entirely your choice. I am just letting you know. However, I do know that our relationship can not carry on like this. If you wanted to learn how to change things, then cool. If your choice is that you don't want to, then I would most likely choose that the relationship was over. I'm going to contact a guy who I can think help us. Would you be interested in simply speaking to him?

By using words like this, you are not begging, not forcing, not manipulating. What you are saying is simply - it's your choice. This is what I'm doing. You can do whatever you choose. If you choose to want to learn - I will try to learn alongside you and see what happens. If you are not interested in learning, I will then choose what I want, which will be to leave the relationship. See - different emphasis - done out of individual choices rather than anything else.

You may want to try that - you may not, but regardless, I am still happy to try and get you in touch with Greg Baer, or one of his team over there who will be able to give you some of the support you need as you move on and help the kids heal too.

Pete Uglow

Expertise

Experience

Together with my wife Nikki, I run Real Love UK, the only fully certified Real Love coaching organisation outside the US - also the only Real Love coaching organisation anywhere in the world that specialises in healing the pain of marital infidelity.

Publications10 Steps to Help Your Marriage Survive an Affair - An Introduction to the Amazing Power of Real Love. (Nov 2012)