Month: February 2017

The scribes of Gambrach were troubled by the absence of their King. For though they spake to the host that encamped around their liege, they heard not directly from the King himself. And when the people asked them, “what news have ye of our king?” the scribes would answer, “Pray ye for his quick recovery.” And the people would ask, “Recovery from what ailment? Tell us plainly, that we may know which of the gods to propitiate.” To which the scribes would respond, “Know ye not that thy king is an old man?” And the people, confused, would ask back, “Ye wouldst have us pray for his recovery from old age?” And the scribes would be irritated and would say in anger, “Depart and be gone! Ye lovers of hateration!”

Thus it was, one day in their weekly scribely gatherings, the men of the spinning quills looked at each other, unsure what they should write. They had tried to be strong in their tarrying for their King but their faith was being tested.

The people were singing the praise of Osinoshin, the pretend King. For unlike Gambrach he was yet within the realm of youth and he spake that which the people desired that Gambrach wouldst speak. And he went to places that the people desired Gambrach to go. And some of the people exclaimed, “Behold, a real king on the throne! See how he surpasseth Gambrach in everything!”

And this didst piss off the league of the spinning quills, for how dare the people think such a thing. Lo, didst they respond with a flurry of angered parchment, “Citizens of the kingdom, do not be unfortunate. Know ye not that Osinoshin is only that which Gambrach maketh and letteth him be? Take ye heed, that if ye see Osinoshin, ye see Gambrach. If he speaketh, tis the voice of Gambrach which ye hearest! Behold, if he polluteth the air by fart, know ye now for shizzle, tis the innards of Gambrach which thou smellest! For Gambrach is supremely supreme, suckers!”

But they were troubled, for real. There whispers of abdication, even as noise came from the northsteros that if Gambrach could not serve for 1 quadrannium and then another, they were entitled to put forward a young and healthy king in his stead. And the quills wondered what would become of them if this happened.

“Brothers, come what may,” said FemCallamitus, “I will write of the mercies of Gambrach forever, I will write of the mercies of the King. With my quill, will I make known his awesomeness to all generations!”

And one of the younger scribes, Bah Shally, was moved in his chest and also made a declaration. “My quill shall bless Gambrach at all times. His praise shall continuously flow from my ink. O magnify the king with me and let us exalt his name together!”

Yea, did Lar Yi, also proclaim with them, “It is a great thing to serve Gambrach! It is a great thing to serve Gambrach; walking in the light of the king. Oh, walk, walk, walk, walk, walking in the light! Since I was young, now I am old, I have never seen our king changeth!”

And as they were all there in their moment of profuse and obligatory adulation, behold there was rumbling of the ground, a closing and shutting of doors and windows and a kanayonic sound effect of nollywoodinian supernaturalism, and the room was at once filled with smoke. And then all who were in heard a deep voice say, “if you love Gambrach, let me hear you say yeah-yeah!” And the quills answered, “YEAH, YEAH!!!”

Behold, the smoke at once cleared, and revealed Gambrachoid flames dancing on the head of the adulating men of quill. And they were lost in an orgasmic frenzy of ecclesiastical griotism. Luckily for us all brethren, right at that very second, the painter Soo Quo was passing by and quickly recorded the scene for posterity. To him we owe the illiustration of this chapter.

And as the flames petered out and the tears fried from their faces, the scribes emerged from the room to testify to the people, speaking a new tongue. Twas revealed that the name of this new tongue was Frivolee.

First to speak was FemCallamitus. “Brethren! People of the kingdom! The spirit of Gambrach descended upon me and lo did he speak to me. Usually, he would call me Callamitus but today he called me by my hibernian nickname O’Scorpion! My king called me Fem O’Scorpion and told me to greet my household. Now I know that my redeemer liveth! And I am blessed from my soul into my loins!”

And Lar Yi and Bah Shally also testified. “Oh what a glorious day! We have heard the voice of our king and dwelt in his presence! Repent, ye haters. Ye mischief-makers! For he returneth soon! And when the king comes, will he find you as diligent and faithful as we the scribes of the spinning quill? Will ye partake of his glorious and tremendous kingdom?”

And then all eyes turned to Lay Si, to hear his testimony. But he testifieth not. Perhaps because he knew the ancient words handed down to the ancient prophet, Kirkus Lazarussia, which sayeth, “Ye shall never go fullus retardus!” So they turned to Gar Bar. But Gar Bar was full of regret, for he had missed the visitation of Gambrach, having dashed out for a few seconds to make sure that Osinoshin was not being unduly acclaimed. “Dammit!” he muttered under his breath.

Brethren, there was chill in the land that day. Lo, the people were amused, full of mirth and very chilled. That day of visitation came to be known as the Blessed Day of Kingsleycost.

The people of Nigeria finally got their wish. After many constitutional conferences with the famous ‘no-go’ areas, where everything could be discussed apart from the things that had any impact whatsoever on Nigeria’s constitutional status as “…one indivisible and indissoluble sovereign nation under God…” there was finally going to be referendum. The people were going to be asked a simple, question – “Should Nigeria remain in its current geographical state?” – to which they would answer a simple Yes, or No. “If a simple majority of the people vote No,” the President said, “then Nigeria as we know it shall be no more.”

The people were divided into Yesmen and Nono camps and it seemed from very early on that the Nonos had wider support from the public. A date was fixed for the referendum and in addition to strategizing on voting patterns, some groups thought it wise to begin to forge alliances ahead of the poll. Very quickly though, there was a protest from the South-East. “It is an outrage that we have only 5 constituent states”, its leaders said. “We cannot vote on the basis of a simple majority of the total number of voters. Rather, each region should be considered as one vote, based on how the majority of its indigenes vote. Like Big Brother Africa or CokeStudio.”

The other regions quickly agreed. It seemed reasonable enough until someone pointed out that there were 6 regions, with nothing agreed on what would happen in the event of a tie. “If there’s a tie, the President should have the casting vote,” volunteered the North West, which by sheer coincidence, of course, was where the President was from. “It would be an outrage for there to be any other conclusion.” Of course, all the other regions were outraged and none of them agreed to this bizarre proposal, so a neutral umpire was proposed. It was decided that Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, leading African statesman, enemy of the European Imperialist, would be entrusted with the casting vote in the event of regional deadlock. In addition to his pan-Africanism, Old Rob was also known for the many made up quotes attributed to him. The Nigerians figured it would be nice to have him quoted as having made some other bizarre remark about Nigeria. Very quickly though, to sweeten him up, emissaries from all the regions were dispatched in private jets to Harare, laden with ice-cream of different flavours. His love of ice-cream was a notorious fact.

One day to the referendum, it seemed like all the objections were over and the referendum would finally go ahead. However, just as the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, hickory-dickory dock, the South-West leaders, armed with 217 Senior Advocates of Nigeria, marched to the Supreme Court to file a motion for injunction, of utmost national importance. They were outraged, for there had been rumours that large numbers of people were moving in from Chad and Niger to take part in the referendum. The South Western leaders wanted the referendum deferred until the National Identity Card project was completed and it was clear who the foreigners were.

Very quickly, the Association of Chadian and Nigerien Immigrants (ACNI) filed their own counter-petition. They sought to invoke their fundamental human rights of not being discriminated against on the basis of the place of their origin. The case was struck out for the obvious reason that the rights guaranteed by the constitution were guaranteed to Nigerians only. “I find that these nomads have no locus to bring this action and strike it out for being absolutely incompetent and lacking in merit” was the ruling of the Judge.

However, the use of the word “nomad” by the judge had pissed some leaders off across the entire spectrum of the North. So, they appealed the judgement, alleging that it showed the judiciary to be biased against all persons of whom nomadism was a feature of their culture.

By this time, the South South had grown weary of the squabbling and its leaders took out full pages in all the national newspapers to complain about the plot of the rest of Nigeria to frustrate and truncate the referendum, with the aim of keeping their fangs sucking the blood of oil from the flesh of their land. They urged the other regions to stop faffing about and to get the show on the road.

The next day, a major pipeline was bombed by the South South Justice League Avengers Squad. They issued a statement on their website, giving an ultimatum. They would blow up a new pipeline every week until the referendum was held.

The President, though determined not to be seen as meddling, knew he had to intervene and set a firm date for the referendum, as the brewing crisis threatened to boil over. He called a meeting of all the State Governors, with the hope that they would be able to calm down their respective constituencies if he gave them certain assurances.

“Your Excellencies, the eyes of the world are on us. We need to get our people to stop behaving like dogs and baboons. Their blood is too hot at the moment. We must calm down the polity.” The Governors knew the President was right and resolved amongst themselves to do what was necessary to facilitate the referendum. The first of those things, was to prevail on all the camps in litigation to withdraw their petitions and commit to a new date for the referendum. The rose from the meeting, issued a communique to the press and left the president feeling happy and fulfilled.

The next day, as the newspapers were brought to the President for his morning tea in the Presidential Palace Gardens, he noticed to his surprise that large sections of the front pages had been cut out. Irritated, he called for his chief press officer. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Meaning of what, your Excellency?”

The President raised the paper, so the CPO could see the gaping hole in its front page. “This.”

“Oh, that, sir. It must be the printer’s devil.”

The President had recently been warned by physician to watch his temper. The pressure of the rupturing nation and the logistics of the referendum were taking their toll on his blood pressure. So, very calmly, he walked into the ante-room to check the papers there. Immediately, he understood why his press team had gone to such snippy lengths.

“SCANDAL ENGULFS REFENDUM MACHINE SUPPLIER” screamed the headline. “Ya Allah!” exclaimed the President. A senator from Kogi state had informed the press that the Senate would be investigating the sums repatriated by Mercury Tally Numbers Limited, the supplier, to its home country South Africa.

“Foreign businesses cannot just come here and say because they have invested, they can just take out any sums they like. No! I will personally lead a protest into the bank’s server room to block remittances if this is not investigated immediately!” the Senator was quoted as having said. His colleagues in the Senate very shortly afterwards resolved to pass a resolution proscribing the company from operations until the investigation was over. This effectively meant that a new logistics partner had to be found for the referendum.

The President sighed and clenched his jaw, tightly. It was time for the gloves to come off.

The season of unchill persisted as the people had no word from King Gambrach. People visited the gallery of Moborious, the King’s chief painter for new pictures of the King, bedecked in a glorious splendour of tear-inducing swag, as of old, but Moborious painted nothing new.

But paintings began to mysteriously appear in the Kingdom. First, of lady Yeesha, the queen, purportedly in the Jandinian vacationary quarters of the King. And many heaved a sigh of relief. “At least our king standeth and at least he liveth!” And Gambrach’s Counsellor for Matters of Citizens Who Had Seen The Light and Fled the Kingdom, Bee Ree, cackled with glee, exclaiming, “He who hateth may yet claim this painting a forgery, nay a photosynthensis of shop. Losers.”

And yea, were there indeed haters who dug up similar paintings from ages past, wherein Gambrach and Yeesha wore the very same garments. Perhaps, insisted the Buhliebers, these are the special Jandinian garments of Gambrach and Yeesha.

Finally, new paintings emerged, first of Shiwajun and Kan Day sharing pleasantries with Gambrach and then of Abushola and Doh Gah. Lo, did Abushola return to the people proclaiming, “Gambrach buzzeth. For yea, whilst it seemeth unto thee that the Gambranic paintings showeth only laughter and not conversation, ye doubt because ye knowest not thy king. Behold, King Gambrach is a king of great witticisms and sardonic insight and our laughter was because, goddam it, the man is funny!”

“What did he say?” demanded the people. “Duh-uh”, came the reply from Abushola, “like I said, wi-tty and fu-nny stuff.”

So, the people chilled somewhat, for at least the fake tidings of Gambrach being infirm and bed-bound at the meisters was fake news. Bad!

The people chilled even further as Pretend-King Osinoshin traversed the land, visiting regions that Gambrach visiteth not and saying that which Gambrach sayeth not, greatly endearing him to the people. Yea, did he even voyage to South Easteros, land of the 5 per centers, where Gambrach had yet to set foot. “We love this pretend-rule of the pretend-king,” the people exclaimed, “for in this fortnight, Osinoshin doeth much to bind the regions of our kingdom together.”

And in this time of love in the Kingdom, King The Trumpet, of Trumpstantinople, felt shorn of the the love of his people. For daily did they lampoon him and remind him of his tiny hands. And he grew weary of it, for his hands were tremendous and big and he had the whole world in them. And so he gathered the men and women of news together and told them they were all just a bunch of girls and he was going to grab them by their pooh-seas. “I am a great and awesome King, you fools, and ye shall totally and utterly not question me. No way, hombres. Henceforth, if ye callest my name, ye shall call it with some gaddem respeck. Ye shall RESPECK. MY. AUTHORITAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!”

And behold, the unchill rippled from Trumpstantinople across the entire cosmos. The men and women of news called it a spectacle for the ages, for they had never before in all their 44 reigns before The Trumpet seen a king like him.

In the Kingdom of Gambrach, something was afoot. There was a kingdom in the North, called Dunamis, and it was a divided Kingdom, with the people of the North of it and those in the South having frequent clashes. And the clashes would come and they would go. And lo they came again and they went again. And then they came again in the time of the Social Medianites, the Twilistines and the Digital Perusites, who were a generation that recorded every gaddem thing and let it be known far and wide.

The Dunamist clashes raged and it was the Southern Dunamists that were being oppressed. For lo, they were besieged by the Fulannisters, who were known to practice nomadic husbandry and were always in search of greener pastures. The Southern Dunamists were farmers, with fertile land and bountiful harvests. And lo, the clashes arose because some Fulannister herdsmen decided that no farm was too private for breaking into and feeding their livestock. This not only ruined the harvest, but some of the Fulannister herders also bore deadly arms and killed the farmers whose land they forcefully entered into. Yea, did the Social Medianites and Twilistines make it known, especially those who hailed from Southern Dunamis, that they were under siege.

The King of Dunamis was a man named El Farquaad, a Fulannister himself. El Farquaad had served as a councillor during the reign of King Shegolas, but was said to have been one of the number who prevented Gejoshaphat from seeing Ma Roo when the latter took ill. And in the days leading up to electoralis, did he proclaim a great many grievous things all to ensure that Gambrach emerged victorious. Many grievous things, I tell ya. And I shall tell thee one of the most grievous.

If ye watchest the Game of Thrones, ye knowest that the Lannisters always pay their debts. Well, El Farquaad made it clear, when some Fulannister men were killed by the King Gejoshaphat’s army in the hunt for the evil tribe of Boko, that the life of a Fulannister is a loan and that the Fulannisters would always collect their debt.

Now, of the Twilistines that hailed from Southern Dunamis and cried against the massacre of the Southern Dunamists, was a man named Woo Doo, just like Gambrach’s Councillor for Growing Rice. Unlike that ancient farming Woo Doo however, this Woo Doo was the mayor of the City of Cocoa Paste Bards & Poets. Daily, did Woo Doo tell tales of the blood and gore in Southern Dunamis.

One day, behold, he told how his chariotman’s brother and colleagues had been killed by rampaging Fulanisters but yea, was it fake news. And when Woo Doo realised the chariotman only told the story for Woo Doo bequeath him some coin, Woo Doo handed the chariotman over to the law and told it far and wide that he had regretfully spread fake news. Sad!

But news came from Dunamis that a magistrate had ordered Woo Doo’s arrest on behalf of the throne of Dunamis, and that the Deliverance Squad Squadron had seized Woo Doo from Lagos to deliver him to Dunamis. And lo, unchill spread from the City of Cocoa Paste Bards & Poets into the entire Kingdom. “Free Woo Doo”, they shouted and tagged of hashes. And there was no chill in the land.

Then, news came to the Kingdom that The Trumpet was going to speak to the King of the Kingdom. And all assumed that it would be Pretend-King Osinoshin that The Trumpet would speak to, for as far as they knew, Gambrach could only laugh and smile wittily. He had not spoken to the people so they assumed he could not yet speak . But lo, more news came from Bedrock that it was Gambrach that The Trumpet would be speaking with, not Osinoshin.

“How can Gambrach, who has temporarily relieved himself of the Kingship be the King that The Trumpet speaketh with?” the people demanded.

“Get it right” FemCallamitus answered them, “thou canst not force Gambrach thy King to speak to thee. For he shall speak to thee in the fullness of a time of his own choosing and ain’t nuthing you can do about it, suckers!!!”

And behold, there was not a gaddem iota, nor modicum, nor speculum, nor fragment of chill in the entire Kingdom.

The chronology of the Kings of the Kingdom starting with the emancipation of the kingdom from the rule of Jandinia. King Lay Wah was the first to ascend the throne. At the same, there was another who also sitteth with one butt cheek on the throne, and he was called Z. Ki-Way. But then there was the mutiny of the centurions and they put Lay Wah to the sword. King Gwi Yi quelled the rebellion and was king for a short while. But he was also put to the sword and Jackie Wan became King.

Jackie Wan reigned for a long, long time, and the great war of Frabiapob took place during his reign. On the other side during the Frabiapobian war was Joo Koo, who declared a break away kingdom of Frabiapob in the south. Jackie Wan was deposed by Tah Lah, who is said to have committed atrocities during the great war of Frabiapob. Tah Lah was also put to the sword and was succeeded by Shegolas of Owurutas. And Shegolas was the last of the first centurions, and he ceded the throne to a civilian known as Shey Hu. The reign of Shey Hu was truncated by Gambrach, who was yet a centurion; a severe man of Gunn. Gambrach was ousted by Gi Dah, who stepped aside, in the wake of the truncated transition to Shimawo Okazaki, for Kan Sho, a civilian. Kan Sho was ousted very quickly by Bar Chah, who died on the throne and was succeeded by Sah Lam. Sah Lam finally yielded to the civilians and was succeeded by the same Shegolas of Owurutas, who had nearly died in prison at the hand of Bar Chah. Shegolas reigned for two quadrannia and was succeeded by Mah Roo. Mah Roo also died on the throne and was succeeded by Gejoshaphat. Gejoshaphat was succeeded by Gambrach (now of broom, no longer of Gunn) after Gambrach defeated him at electoralis.

But let us rewind briefly. Mah Roo reigned for only two years when he was struck by a secret and mysterious ailment. And the courtiers at Bedrock denied that Mah Roo was infirm. Yea, even when he was rushed out to Sah Oud and brought back in the dead of night, it was said that he sniffed the flowers and read the holy script. And Gejoshaphat, who was the King’s Hand, was denied power by the powers that were. But the people marched and cried out for a king and then the senateens succumbed to lex necessitas and proclaimed Gejoshaphat interim king.

Whither all this history, thou asketh? Well, these are the chronicles, dammit. And the foregoing chapter of the chronicles told how after the siege of SurroundedbySenegalistan, Gambrach wrote to senatii that he was proceeding on vah catio. In his missive, Gambrach informed the senatii that he would be gone for 10 days during which time, he would take the opportunity to see his meisters for a routine check-up. Perhaps the Many Years disease was afflicting him again, especially will all the shouting and posturing he had just endured at the hand of King Jamming.

But then the winds brought back news from Jandinia that Gambrach was gravely ill but his scribes Gar Bar and FemCallamitus denied it, the latter proclaiming that even the Lord rested on the 7th day. The people were not convinced, for they heard not the voice of Gambrach and the malarkey was reminiscent of the last days of Mah Roo, when Shegolas calleth to him across the oceans and enquired, “Mah Roo! Art thou kpeme’d?” To which Mah Roo had replied, “Ah Shegolas, my times are not in my hand. I live, but eyan le ku any fo’cken time!”

And the people were restless and unchill blew. Yea, did it blow louder than the Trumpet was blowing itself from the Hill. “Give us our king! Or let us know his fate!” the people cried out. “If he returneth not, how shalt Nono GenGen be made Primus Magistratus?”

And Osinoshin addressed the people. “Subjects of Gambrach, I bring ye glad tidings of great joy of Gambrach’s revelment in a state of haleness and heartifulness. I spake with him and yea did we speak of many things, fools and kings, and this he said to me ‘comfort ye my people’. Behold, I send Nono Gengen’s nomination to senatii. See? The throne, like willie, is working.”

But the people were unchilled. For even in the midst of the mysterious malady of Mah Roo, they heard his voice. And the people cried out again, “Give us our king, we say!” And then FemCallamitus took centre stage, to respond to the cry of the people, and they groaned, for FemCallamitus was really full of shit.

“Oh thou that bringest false tidings of the demise of Gambrach to zion. Thou shouldst be full of shame. For I know that my Gambrach liveth!”

“Is that so?” they asked FemCallamitus. “Riddle us this then. How often speakest thou to him?”

“Daily, without fail! Well, I speak unto them that surround him and assure me that they speak to him in Jandinia. And verily, I believe them. For I know that they cannot lie.”

And the people were sore unchilled. For they had seen this movie before. Yea, did they believe neither FamCallamitus nor Osinoshin. “Where is our beloved king?” the people demanded yet. But Gambrach’s council was silent. Woo Doo spake not about rice, Mefilius spake neither about the coin, or indeed rice. Shittinski never said much anyway, so twas not a surprise that nowt was heard from him. Lady Kem Shun, me blad, me fam, was jus chilling and being a peng ting innit fam?

And there was a brief period of chill, as in the eye of the storm, news reached the people that King Snoop Neffy Neff, former king of Deltonia, champion of the tribe of Gah Ra, was returning from his exile in Jandinia. It was said, but only by malicious, nefarious and dastardly rumour mongers, that Neffy Neff had stolen the coin of the Deltons and tried to hide it in Jandinia. The evil people also said that Neffy Neff had once been a mere stable boy in Jandinia. But the Gah Rans and the Deltons did not give a flying gaddem. He was their champion. He was their kingmaker, even in exile and like the nemesis of John & Sarah Connor, he was back. And yea, did they rejoice at his arrival.

Then, behold, word came to the people that Gambrach had written another letter to senatii, to let them know that he needed to prolong his vah catio. “The meisters have required him to ride a cycle as test”, FemCallamitus explained, “for as ye knowest, Many Years afflicted the ears and in the ears is our balance. If Gambrach rideth the cycle in his test and falleth not, then we and ye shall know that he be cool again.”

Behold, there was no chill in the land. It was gone. And from the perch of his balcony, above the fray of unchill, Shiwajun looked at it all with a smile on his face. Wahala Morghulis, he thought, as he sipped the wine of seedless grapes from his goblet. And Neffy Neff slapped the goblet out of his hand and the seedless grape wine spilled on the floor. “Look at me. Look at me. As the great prophet Latiffus Kayodensis prophesied, you are not only the one dat dey there! Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!!”

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