Heathrow Staff To Giggle At Your Tiny Penis

'Sorry sir, but your penis isn't showing up on our scan. Do you have a girlfriend?'

New scanners will allow bored customs officers to see exactly what each male passenger is packing before deciding whether to laugh and point, or strip search them in front of a snarling doberman.

A spokesman said: "Spending 12 hours a day watching people fly off to exotic locations you could never afford can be soul-destroying stuff. But now we can giggle like schoolchildren at some fat businessman's shrivelled winkie.

"He may be a master of the universe, drive a 911 and earn more in a day than we do in a year, but that will be made all the more bearable if we know he's hung like a budgie's tongue."

Meanwhile, men who have large feet or a smug expression will be also be singled-out for special treatment.

The spokesman said: "I think we can all agree that any man who got a visit from the cock fairy deserves to have his luggage scattered around an interview room for six hours while a ravenous dog fixes its clinical stare at his now tremendously vulnerable nutsack."

But airport owners BAA have assured passengers that staff will continue to carry out pointlessly intrusive body searches of young people who have obviously been on a gap year paid for by their parents.

The spokesman added: "No amount of technology can replace the satisfaction of dragging some posh hippie off a flight from Santiago and going for a bumpy ride around his back passage simply because the canteen has sold out of jam roly-poly."