What do you make of his comments about "this friendship"?

He has a long-term live in girlfriend, she is married with a toddler and is pregnant. They have been good friends for many, many years but have also shared a few kisses when they were flatmates at uni when they were both single.

They meet up occasionally for coffee and a chat. The both genuinely enjoy these meetings as they can talk about anything. The thing is that sometimes, when he has been drinking, he sends her messages that are inappropriate. I get the feeling that he is confused about what he feels for her.

Things he has said include:

-she is a very close friend to him, he likes her as a person and wouldn't want to lose the friendship but he also has a strong sexual desire for her that drives him crazy

-nobody has ever gotten under his skin so much and induced feelings of such intensity, whether it is sexual desire, jealousy or affection

-he realises that wanting her in this way is wrong as they are both in relationships but when it comes to her, potential consequences don't register

If you had a friend who told you he feels like this about someone who is not his partner, what would you think? That he is actually in love with this friend but doesn't want to admit it to himself and/or her? Or is it possible to really just want to be friends with somebody while feeling this way about them?

Well if I was the girlfriend I wouldn't believe it either I'm afraid. This nothing has ever happened business must be the most feeble phrase in history. Nothing has ever happened till it does. I must just be the suspicious type. Quite often in these very close friendships one person is attracted romantically. But that's only my opinion. And not saying it's right in every case.

Viviennemary I think that at any time this 'friendship' could become an affair even if it isn't already and hasn't been in the past

It quite possible that the friend doesn't fancy him and/or isn't interested in him. I have a friend who is currently in this position and the girlfriend is jealous and has been contacting her, and its really upsetting for her as she isn't interested in him romantically, doesn't find him attractive and nothing has ever happened but the girlfriend doesn't believe her.

I'd think he has the girlfriend for security, and the friend for excitement. I wouldn't be happy if I was the girlfriend.

Surely if he was that crazy about the friend, he would have moved mountains to be with her.

The answer is that he should forget about both, end it with the girlfriend, maybe move away somewhere he does not see the friend regularly, and try and meet someone else and be happily single. Not marry his current girlfriend to somehow "match" the woman he is obsessed with. Of course, he won't do that...

Wow,ofmiceandmen - interesting world view there...so for starters no male/female friendships.Or am I having an EA with my best friend from Uni,who I tell most things to,and who definitely "understands me" because she has known me so long? (I'm female btw - my poiint is I don't think her gender makes any difference)If Op has flatshared with both and known them since university she must have some idea of what is in character and the sort of person they are.Some people are manipulative jerks - some people,either gender,get themselves into situations they would be better off out of,and need to talk to friends etc to work out what is going on and what to do.

I am a third friend as in I am a friend of his and the "desired friend". We all shared a flat at uni. I'm still close to him but not so much to her anymore.

It is his live-in girlfriend I'm not friends with. I've only met her a few times whereas most of their circle of friends is shared. That's why I think he talks to me about the issue, not any of the other friends.

Ok, then I don't know they don't have sex for sure. They might and he might be lying about that aspect. I don't think he is though. It wouldn't fit in with his description of how he desired her. In fact, I think that not having had a physical relationship with her is part of his obsession but that would be speculation on my part.

What he might also be thinking is that he doesn't feel like that about his girlfriend - maybe he's reached a more settled phase with her, which, even in good relationships, can seem a bit unexciting - and he's yearning for those College Years. Difficult time the 20's.

Sorry, if my post is confusing. I am not him or "the friend". I'm a third person who used to share a flat with both of them and is still close to him. He talks to me about her, presumably because I'm one of the few friends who isn't also friends with his girlfriend.

I was trying to post in a style that keeps my projections out of the story and only repeats facts (what he has said).