Newsgroups: israel.mail-jewish
From: mljewish (Avi Feldblum)
Subject: Purim Edition - part 1 of 3
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 1994 08:49:02 GMT
~From: Sam Saal
~Subject: Purim edition - part 1 of 3
Welcome to the Purim edition. There have been quite a few contributions
and I hope you enjoy. In addition to the posts in this edition, please
see the mail.jewish archives for a couple pieces that are a little large
to be mailed. [Sam is being modest here, the piece in question is the
1994 Purim Speil from Sam. A text version is being sent out to you, and
also can be found in the Special_Topics directory under the title
purim94.txt, or requested by email from the listserv archiver by that
title in the main mail-jewish archive area. A Postscript version, which
is the best way to view it, is available as purim94.ps in the Postscript
directory. The postscript version is too long for email retrieval, so is
not available that way. Avi.]
Sam Saal
ssaal@nyd.legent.com
[(P ed)]
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~From: L. Jospeh Bachman
~Subject: the Schlitzer Rebbe and Purim travel guide
Readers of mail-jewish may not be familiar with the works of my
teacher, HaRav Noach Albert ("Al") Kohol, the Schlitzer Rebbe
Sh'ti"ya [may he drink long and hard, not get a hangover, and always
have a designated driver available]. He takes the strictest approach
to the Law, and his kashrus certification is one of the most reliable
in the business. Rabbi Kohol is a very pious and revered sage, who
normally does not leave his yeshiva, but once a year at Purim, he
gives a public shiur. The following is a transcript of his shiur
from last year:
A L L F O O D I S T R E I F
Davar Purim-torah 5753 by
HaRav Hagadol Noach Kohol, the Schlitzer Rebbe, Sh'ti"ya
Many of you want to know whether the study of secular knowledge is
worthwhile, I have spent the last year studying secular sciences
with some of the most famous scientists in the world. Chemists,
physicists, biologists, geologists, computer scientists,
economists... I have learned from them, and I have found that their
knowledge is _crucial_ to the understanding of Torah, and thus I am
going to require that every talmid in my yeshiva obtain a PhD in
particle physics in addition to learning Torah.
"So," you may ask, "what did you find out from these scientists,
these 'lab rats,' these secular people, that was _so_ important?"
This is what I found:
ALL FOOD IS TREIF!!!
How can I say that all food is treif? Don't we have a complex system
in place to assure that meat is slaughtered correctly, that forbidden
ingredients are not present in our food? Don't we have well-trained
and pious shochetim and mashgichim? Don't our wives toil hard night
and day to uphold the kashrus of the kitchens in our homes? Yes,
Yes, YES! But Science teaches us that it's all to no avail. Our
food is treif before it even becomes food.
Consider that piece of so-called "glatt kosher" meat that you just
bought from a supposedly reliable butcher. Yes, the shochet did his
job. Yes, the butcher kashered it properly. But think! What are the
_ingredients_ of that piece of meat? What is the meat made of?
I'll tell you what the scientists told me. That meat is made of
CHONS. Carbon, Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Sulfur The
scientists also told me that CHONS is constantly being recycled and
redistributed around the world. Your very bodies may be made up of
pieces of CHONS that were once part of Mordechai...or part of Haman
(may his name be blotted out). That piece of "glatt kosher" meat is
made up of CHONS that was probably part of a PIG...or of a dinosaur!
And what's true for a piece of meat is also true for a cupcake or a
carrot. All food in the world is made up of CHONS, and CHONS is
TREIF!!!!!!!
What are we to do? First, if all food is treif, and we cannot eat
treif food, Torah-true Jews have a bit of a problem. But because we
are to live by the laws of the Torah and not starve to death by them,
I will invoke the principle of Pikuach Nefesh, and allow you all to
eat treif food for the time being. I have composed a short
meditation that I recommend saying before one eats treif food, so
that we all realize that we are eating treif food so that we can live
to observe the Torah. We are not like the assimilated Jews, who eat
treif food because it tastes good!!!
But this heter to eat treif food is only a short-term solution, and
that is the reason why I want my talmidim to study Science. We must
immediately begin research into the very secrets of matter itself, so
that we may be able to create CHONS that has never before existed in
the Universe. Once we do that, we can finally create truly kosher
food. The task will be difficult. Not only is food made up of
CHONS, but CHONS is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons,
neutrinos, quarks, maybe even Higgs bosons! Our research must be
thorough and careful to ensure that what we create must never have
existed anywhere before. That is our challenge. Every Jew must
become a scientist, and every yeshiva bochur must become a particle
physicist. Chag Purim sameach."
That particular shiur ended with dinner catered by Joe's Chesapeake
Crab House and Ma's Dixie Hog Bar-B-Q Pit. So far, Rabbi Kohol's
heter still stands. (at least for followers of the Schlitzer Rebbe.)
I can't wait to hear Rav Kohol's shiur this year. I hear he's been
studying with secular experts on human sexuality.
Rabbi Reuben Hodu,
Director of Public Affairs
The Schlitzer Purim-Torah Institute
Rechov Noach 77
Bene-'Araq, Israel
(c) 1993 by the Schlitzer Purim-Torah Institute.
This Davar Purim-Torah may be copied freely over computer networks as
long as credit is given to the Schlitzer Purim-Torah Institute. For
commercial use, please contact the author by E-mail.
Submitted by Joe Bachman
jbachman@access.digex.net
A major national environmental organization that also sponsors
outdoor outings has just published its 1994 Outings schedule. Those
who appreciate backpacking, mountain climbing, and other outdoor
adventures will want to sign up for the following outing displayed in
their "International" section:
TRIP# 10COM613
SINAI WILDERNESS EXPERIENCE
15 Nisan - 15 Nisan
Breathtaking wilderness vistas, profound religious
experiences, as well as hunger, thirst, and hostile locals will all
be in abundance during this 40-year adventure on foot through the
famous Sinai Peninsula. Pack animals will carry our loads as we rush
away from the overcrowded megalopolis of Lower Egypt on our journey
to the land of Canaan. As we leave Egypt we will experience an
exciting crossing of the Sea of Reeds and have a serious discussion
of wetland preservation issues with local environmental activists.
During our trek, we will receive important teachings, learn how to
find water in the desert and how to purify unpotable springs. For
artisans in the group, we will construct the world's first fully
portable, backpackable, ecologically sensitive religious shrine as a
group project. Nutritious food will be airlifted in daily, further
reducing the loads on our pack animals. Dietary Laws and Sabbath
VERY strictly observed. You don't have to be Jewish when you start
out, but you will be at the end!
Trip Leader: Moses Rabbenu
Price: The Egyptians are paying us to leave.
Deposit: Please slaughter a lamb without blemish and daub some of
its blood on the doorpost of your house. The trip leader will be in
contact with you on the night of 14 Nisan. Please be ready to leave
immediately.
If approved by the trip leader, you or your descendants will be able
to participate in companion trip JOSH12TRI, "Canaanite Conquest
Caravan"
Submitted by Joe Bachman
jbachman@access.digex.net
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~Subject: Re: mj V11#69 Orthodox Shul Decorum
Ben Berliant records how HaShem debates
Satan in a drash in which Satan tries to prove that Bnei Yisrael
(the Jewish People) are not worthy of being the chosen people. HaShem
refutes these arguments one by one.
Here is the real reason why it is generally much noisier in an
Orthodox shul than in others.
When you go to a stranger's house for the first time, you are
generally respectful and quit. You sit properly, you don't speak
till spoken to, you focus on the host rather than other company
you're there with. On the other hand, when you go over to your best
friend's house, you raid the refrigerator, you shmooze with other
friends that hang out there, you put your feet up. In short, you are
comfortable and not in awe. This applies even if your friend is a
powerful person in the community.
Something similar happens in synagogues. If you don't go to shul
that often, as with Reform who only go on Shabbat, you are proper and
polite. When you're there several times a week, as do many of the
Orthodox, this must be your friend and you kick back, relax with
friends, talk with them, etc. thus the difference in decorum.
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~Subject: RE: mj V11#72 Hechsherim on Whiskeys and beers
Avi Weinstein <0003396650@mcimail.com> points out
>...Liqueurs, however which are suspected of having
>wine in them do need a hechsher. I don't think beers, also a grain based
>beverage, have a hechsher and yet there is no reluctance in serving these
>items either.
There is an exception to this. I understand the non-nonalcoholic
Israeli beer is Kosher for Pesach, even without a Hechsher. It goes
by the name "HeBrew."
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~Subject: RE: mj V11#73 Funerals and Marriages
In a recent issue, Joel B. Wolowelsky (sl14403@llwnet.ll.pbs.org) asks:
>Does anyone know a source for the following two customs:
>1. Having a "full" funeral for a sefer Torah that was destroyed by fire.
>2. A bride and groom not seeing each other for a week before the marriage.
Are these questions related? Are we rejoicing at a funeral or
mourning a marriage?
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~From: Dan Goldish -- Boston, Mass.
~Subject: Singles ads Purim material for mj
JEWISH PERSONAL ADS
-------------------
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major
Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27.
I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from
birth. Seeking same. POB 46.
Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only.
Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 77.
Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup,
Stanley Cup. Seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup. POB 58.
Nice Jewish accountant, 31. Looking for a "10", 25-30, 5'-5'6",
95-105 lbs., 36-24-36, area code 212, 718, or 201. I've got your
number. POB 1099.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get.
Get it? I'll show you mine if you show me yours. POB 72.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires
female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under
30 is also OK. POB 64.
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the blech. Heimishe
balabusta, 39, will cook you such a tzimmes. Hurry, it's getting
cold. POB 96.
Eh, shalom aleichem... So maybe you want to meet me, although all
right, you probably don't. Nu, so if you change your mind, maybe
epess you'll write me, but if not, it's OK, I understand. My
name is Shaya Bochur. POB 55.
Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee
Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah.
Seeking wife. POB 41.
Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play
"Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.
Looking for a great husband? "Mr. Dependable," always there for
you. A faithful companion at all times. Your salvation in any
emergency. No Saturday or Holiday calls, please. POB 92.
Divorced? Looking for someone to play with? Sign on with us,
the New York Gets. Games all season. Switch hitters welcome.
POB 74.
Agnostic dyslexic insomniac male, seeks similar female to stay up
all night to discuss whether or not there really is a DOG. POB 83.
Can't meet women?
Want to meet women?
Ready to meet women?
Join Amit Women. POB 60.
Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call
them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.
Businessman, 51, manufactures Jewish novelty items: chai chairs,
chai-fi stereos, chai ball glasses, chai jump equipment. Seeks
woman with chai standards. POB 13.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av,
Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar
B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.
POB 90.
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would
like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.
Single, attractive, successful, self-absorbed woman, 34, seeks to
save money by spending yours. POB 27.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in
woman. POB 43.
Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop,
looking for Jewish man with sense of humus. POB 789.
You're probably wondering why an accomplished PhD, LLB, MBA,
DDS, MD, and Rhodes Scholar like me isn't married yet. I'm a
meeskite. POB 766.
Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable
esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.
Mama's boy from Brooklyn, seeks wife willing to suffer abuse from
my Mommy. POB 424.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful
Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 843.
Boychik seeking girlchik. POB 617.
Tumtumchik seeking androgynuschik. POB 24.
What's a menorah without it's shammes? Available Jewish woman,
37, seeks man to light her fire. POB 566.
Crossing Delancey? Make a left on Orchard Street. Follow Hester
two blocks to Rivington. Turn left on Grand. That's where I
live. Come visit. POB 457.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
I enjoy long walks, candlelight dinners, sailing, travel to
Europe, and I think this ad should be in New York Magazine
instead. Sorry.
Classy carrot seeking sugar daddy to make tzimmes together.
Prunes need not apply. POB 66.
I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and
four of the ten plagues. Now I'm ready to settle down. So where
are all the nice Jewish men hiding? POB 68.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
POB 78.
Jewish man, watches TV on Friday night with time clock, eats fish
at non-kosher restaurants, doesn't wear yarmulke at work. Modern
Orthodox. POB 98.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last
week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your
gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you
again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.
Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't
believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks
glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.
Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for
honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos,
yom tov, mikvah. POB 322.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of
dybbuks, seeks mench. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will
accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just
forget it. POB 435.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light
Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah
candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
POB 787.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind.
Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
POB 555.
SFDJMBA -- Do I have to spell out everything for you? POB 333.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try
it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
If I were sour cream and you were a blintze, what kind of filling
would you have? Single Jewish woman, loves to cook, wants to
satisfy your appetite. POB 987.
BT with TB seeks FFB RN with RX of TLC. Initially I'm a nice
guy. POB 676.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male,
under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to.
Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in
me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made.
Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing,
track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76.
I was Queen Esther in my 2nd grade Hebrew school play. Now I'm
playing the role in real life. Buy me. Get me. Do me. POB 333.
F u cn rd ths, u r stndg too cls. POB 44.
I get too hungry for Diva at 8. I love The Phantom and never
come late. Won't dish the dirt 'cause it's housework I hate.
That's why the lady is a JAP. POB 456.
All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out.
Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655.
Yeshiva graduate, 38, handsum, carring, sinsere. Wood make gud
huzband. Seeks frum girl with publick schul background to help
me with my speling. POB 345.
OJM seeks nice Jewish girl. POB 82.
OJF seeks nice Jewish boy. POB 83.
OJ Simpson seeks TV commercials. POB 84.
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