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Wicked Ways of the Mind

Entries tagged with green pea

Seeing as Pea is still in foster care and the county has fucked me over so I now only see Pea every 4 weeks, I was in a bit of a jam in regards to Christmas wishes. Because I'd only managed to get one wish out of him before December (other than the ever-present wish of coming home to live with mommy, -sob-) and that's just not enough when there are several other parties who want to give him gifts. So I called and asked foster mom.

But rather than give me HIS wishes, she started listing things she believed he needed. Like a lamp or a box for his toys. Shit they could more than easily buy with the ridiculous amount of money they get thrown after them for taking care of him. And I'm not talking about their pay, I'm talking about the fact that they almost get their full pay twice over JUST for "additional expenses".

The money issue is actually secondary, though, compared to her complete blankness when I asked what HE wanted. I know for a fact that they've been making Christmas lists at daycare, because foster dad told me. But foster mom hadn't even glanced at it. Hadn't cared.

Wow, okay, it's been so fucking long since I posted here, but I have some stuff I need to write out, so here goes.

I suddenly remembered today another reason why I fight so hard for Pea. Apart from the obvious, Pea loves his daddy.

Now, B and I fell apart, and there have been periods of animosity and bitterness and a lot of misunderstandings. And if I'm being brutally honest, I generally think B is pretty stupid.

But despite all of this I have never been able to find a single sign that he doesn't dearly love our kid. He adores Pea, and though I don't agree with his ways of handling the whole co-parenting deal, I am 100% sure that he will do anything for Pea if he has to.

However, there have been incidents lately where Pea has been very sad about leaving mommy and generally having a hard time when we have to say goodbye. And today we went to a meeting at the daycare, and we went to say hi to him for five mins. At day's end, Pea was going to spend the weekend with daddy, and it's been almost 2 months since they saw each other last, and I was worried. I was worried that Pea would have lost focus on daddy, and would go immediately for me, only to be sad when told that he wouldn't be leaving with me.

But what I got was the perfect scenario. Pea made a bee-line for daddy, right into a hug, and joyfully told him that "guess what, Daddy!? I'm going home with YOU!" I got a little gooey inside, and so did B. Pea did come to me after, and one hug was obviously not enough, because it took a while to hug it out, but after that he was fine with the five mins we were there. He said goodbye without a fuss, and I could go home reassured that he would go to B's for the weekend without feeling cheated somehow.

I am gonna win this so Pea can have more time with his daddy. I want them to have their time, even if it means more bad habits to bring home. (leaving the toilet seat up for one). I want Pea to be able to talk to B. I look forward to B teaching Pea to shave or how to drive or whatever the time may bring. I want them to have that, so badly.

Got a new doctor. Will get an appointment sometime in October, starting from scratch, hopefully ending up with a new (and more accurate) diagnosis.

I've started swimming as part of a welfare program. Started out doing it only on Wednesdays and then doing some new age shit on Modays, but I liked the swimming so much (and hated the new age stuff so much) that I was allowed to change it so I only do swimming. So from this Monday I'll be swimming for an hour every morning 4 days a week and then meeting with my social aid on the 5th. Meaning that for the first time in... a long long time I'll be getting up every morning of the week for something not related to Pea. I'm not even sure I remember how to even do that. Wish me luck!

Either way, I can most certainly use the exercise, so yay for that!

Pea is settled in at the foster family and... that's a whole other story. Suffice to say that he's doing well beyond all expectations and that my grief is becoming more manageable.

Finally, fucking finally, after over 8 months of living here it is now confirmed at last with complete certainty that I can stay here and won't have to move. I've started some minor renovations, and when my step dad retires in October he'll come over and man the drill for me so I can finally hang some things. Like curtains and a cabinet and some shelves and some hooks. I got some money back from paying too much to the electric company so I bought some drawers and closets, which means I can finally put my clothes away, rather than just having them in piles in my bedroom. I never even hung posters in my bedroom because I was afraid of getting too settled in case I had to move again. :oS

My landlord is slow as a sloth and all the things he promised me to get done back in January are still not done. At this rate I'll do them myself, because fuck, I can't wait another year to have the leak in my door fixed. My heating bill is already going to be through the roof, fuck.

So, it's been ages since I updated here. A lot has happened and I think it's slowly sinking in.

Pea left home on Friday. The foster parents are super nice and call me every other day to tell me in great detail what Pea is up to. They say he misses me, but accepts the new situation well enough. Sleeps well, eats well and spends all day out on their wonderful grounds, climbing hills or walking in the forest or roughhousing with the family's only other foster child; a pre-teen boy.

They say he's wonderful, but I guess they're kinda obligated to say that. But then again, if he stays as super-cute as he was during the first visits, then he probably is a little angel.

I miss him so fucking much already.

I'm coping better than I thought I would. I haven't fallen into a complete depressive stupor, but I admit it's been kind of a struggle pulling myself together and doing things. But I try to get out of the door at least once a day (try being the operative word here), and I've made a list of fairly large tasks that need doing, which I have been putting off forever because Pea was around. So it's not too bad.

That said, I am constantly on the verge of tears and every time I have to pick up or move something of Pea's I get a serious twinge in my chest. Because this isn't home for him any more. And only God knows when or if it ever will be again.

There was a lot more I wanted to share, but... it still hurts too much.

Good news: Turns out the lady from the county had something of a brain fart when she told me I wouldn't see Pea for six months. She seemed very shocked that she'd even say such a thing, because apparently the usual wait time is something like 3-4 weeks, and in that time I can most likely visit, so... *breathing again*

Let's ignore how she almost seemed to think it must be me remembering wrong. Uh, no, I most certainly would remember that. I even asked at the time if that could be right and she assured me it was. AND I took notes. *moving past it.*

Bad news: My wallet got stolen. There was practically no money in it, but having all my cards replaced? That costs. Especially my driver's license. *le sigh* As if I wasn't already broke. Not to mention the bureaucracy and paperwork. Jesus.

Good news: We finally got taxi service for Pea and he's taken to it like a duck to water. Happily took the trips all on his own from day one. The fact that it took almost 4 weeks to get the request through and we'll only have need of it for 2 weeks... whatever. *moving past that too*

Bad news: B and I are testy with each other for a lot of reasons. Personally I think he's just being an ass, but logically I assume it's the pressure getting to both of us.

Good news: Pea seems happy with the idea of staying with the foster family.

I think I'm moving on from online communities. I haven't checked my f-list here in weeks, I follow 0 people on tumblr because it's too much effort to keep up with anything, and the only people I follow on Twitter are my sister, celebs and like 5 other random people. I am so so sorry if anyone here feels neglected or ignored. It was never my intention to hurt anyone, truly.

It just seems like my life is piling so much on me right now that keeping up any sort of social life, even just online, is just too much hard work. And I need my energy elsewhere right now.

I still write fic, because bottom line it's therapeutic to me. Same with blogging. It doesn't matter if no one reads it, it helps to write stuff down.

Things with Pea are at a painful standstill. We're put on hold for the holidays and holy crap it's awful.

On the one hand I'm pathetically grateful to get this time with my son before it's too late, but at the same time it's fucking torture. There is nothing to look forward to, and because Pea's situation is not permanent I can't apply for any help, financial or otherwise. All I can do is drag myself through the days and hope Pea can't tell from my face how much I cry.

Okay, so I've gotten some preliminary dates. Due to summer holidays across the board we've been fortunate enough to be allowed to keep Pea over the summer. 9 more weeks until he goes away. The introduction and move itself will take place over the course of a single week, because apparently this is what experience has taught the foster family is best. Meanwhile I get to prepare Pea nice and slowly for the fact that he's going to go to these people. I doubt I can really explain to him that he's supposed to live with them, but preparation is everything, so the more he's aware of the change coming, the better.

And then I won't be able to have him home for 6 whole fucking months. I'm not sure how much I'll be allowed to visit, either, but goddammit, I hope I'll be allowed some. Because it hurts my heart just thinking about it. After that the plan is to slowly start having him home with me every other weekend, and maybe 3 entire weeks a year. B is apparently getting a different deal, but since he's hardly even willing to talk to me these days I have no idea.

When he does talk to me, all he does is whine about how he feels useless. He never does anything. Never seeks help, never tries to improve things for himself or Pea, never tries to change anything at all. My sympathy for him started to run dry ages ago, and we're scraping the bottom now. If he wants Pea around more, he's going to have to take steps to accommodate Pea's needs. Which he has never done, despite repeated promises. I am done waiting for him to act.

My sisters have not said a single word to me about this whole thing, and I'm sort of naïvely hoping it'll stay that way. Because what I don't need right now is to defend my reasons for accepting this. They might be willing to gamble everything for the slightest chance, but I'm not. The time I would spend battling the system could be much better spent helping Pea. And if the county won't allow me to do it, then fine, I'll step back and let someone else. I won't like it, but I'll accept it.

A lot of the time these days I'm getting earful after earful about how serious it is to have a kid with autism, and yeah, sure, I see what they're getting at. But honestly, 90% of the time, the autism is invisible to me. Not that I forget he has it, not at all. But unless we're having conflicts, Pea is generally just... my son. He has quirks, which I'm sure some people would label "not normal" because it fits in with autism symptoms, but a lot of these are the same to me as any other kid with a preference for something.

So just because it's on my mind, here are a few things that are apparently an autism thing, but to me feels like just my kid.

- Music. Pea does not like music. Out on the town or on the car radio or on tv, it's okay. But no turning on the stereo at home, and 9 times out of 10, no singing from me. It's a bummer, but living with someone else, even a kid, means that sometimes you have to bend a little.

- No using the vacuum cleaner when he's in the house. That thing scares him shitless. My mother tells me I was the same with lawnmowers at his age, so how this is related to autism is vague to me.

- Dialogue quoting. Anything from cartoons to comic books, after a few times Pea can quote them from start to finish. Best game in the world for him is if we act out the different roles. The fact that we're doing it 300 times in a row is tiring, but hey, I get passionate about stuff too.

- Playing in the dirt. He's a kid. Honestly, how this is not normal baffles me.

- Extreme focus on one kind of food. I can't blame a kid for wanting the one thing he likes most right now. And as long as he's eating a few other things in between, I see nothing wrong with letting him eat the same thing day in and day out. Call me a bad mother, but that's how I feel.

- Slow development. This is worrying, I agree completely. But why do we need to push him to "catch up"? As long as he's happy and physically healthy, I have no problem with my kid having only the abilities of a younger child. He's gonna need special aid anyway, so why make it even harder for him by pressuring him to reach some kind of magical line? He's already using so much energy just dealing with how his perception of the world fucks up on a regular basis, I just don't see why I have to stick his nose in a book every time he's relaxed and content.

- Dislike of eye contact. I have that too, sweetie pie.

Fun fact: the people dealing with Pea often express disbelief when I tell them he sleeps perfectly well at night with no special aid stuff. And I'm like... "as if the problems he's already dealing with aren't enough for you?"

Right. Pea's case has now officially started with my new county. Today I had a visit from the person handling the case, and she seems nice, but also kind of a hardass. But in a good way. She sort of reminds me of Dean Winchester in the way that she does whatever the fuck needs to be done, but really wants to just do the best for everyone.

For one thing, she asked me straight up (if a little brutally) if I thought I could be more than a normal parent for Pea's more than normal needs. I of course said yes, with the right help, and she held my gaze for a long time. I hope she found what she was looking for. I sure felt I was speaking truth, and I can only hope she saw that in my eyes.

She'll be talking to B sometime next week and then there'll be a meeting with me and B together. She made it clear that the county has made no official decision on anything yet, so at least for the moment, no one is trying to take Pea away from me. *jelly legs*

I begged her for a chance to prove that I can do this. Not sure if she's willing to give it to me, but at least for now there's hope.

Going through all of this with Pea has taught me one thing about myself that I never knew.

I need to be needed.

I was aware before this that I like to be needed. Nothing made me happier as a kid than when my mom told people how good I was at helping around the house or reminding her to take her meds and stuff like that. I felt so good making sure B had clean clothes and hot meals. And I never felt like a more accomplished parent than when Pea was tiny and everything was a simple matter of food, diaper or sleep.

But after the divorce, during the slump where my mom was far away, B didn't need me anymore and Pea seemed to much better with anyone other than me... that was a low point.

Now? Pea has a diagnosis which makes me absolutely convinced that as much as other people might be able to offer him more professional treatment, what he needs is his mom. And I feel so goddamn good about being needed. Really needed.

I have a depressing theory that it's because deep down I feel like I don't deserve decent care, but everyone else does. So doing something just for my own sake never really feels worthwhile, but as soon as it's someone else's needs on the table, it's suddenly important.

This is all very sad, but considering how much time I've spent in therapy with no progress on this, I'd much rather focus on using it. Keeping myself needed keeps me going. Keeping myself going builds my confidence and gives me all these little victories I haven't had for way too long. Maybe some day I'll feel that doing things for myself matters. But until that day comes I will shamelessly use others as motivation to get shit done.

Wrote a mile-long letter to some people who are supposedly going to be involved in my case. If not, they will know where to send it. I want to make sure as many people as possible get to see my side of this.

I was also called by a very nice lady about Pea's daycare. She couldn't say for sure yet if he could stay or not, but she was so damn chipper and nice that I could only smile. Friendly people makes such a fucking difference, you have no idea. She said she would find out for me and contact me ASAP. Fuck yeah.

We still have a meeting planned for May 2nd with Pea's psychiatrist, but we probably won't know until the last minute whether it'll have to be postponed or not.

Oh, and more on the good news front. My support person told me that she could probably help me so I wouldn't have to move, even if everything goes to shit and it ends up being foster care anyway. Which it won't. Because over my fucking dead body, that's why.

So now I'm currently researching what options for aid there is for families dealing with autism, because if they want to argue that I'm not doing enough, I am not going to give them any ammunition.

Next week will probably also be the last week Pea will spend with his daddy on "school nights". Meaning that B will go from being 50% parent to something like 20%, only having Pea over on weekends and holidays. Considering that B loses either way, this is good for everybody. As long as I hold the reins, B gets to see Pea as much as he likes whenever he has days off. With the county in charge, he would at best get a few hours here and there, and never any sleepovers. Which I find unacceptable, because B might be a lot of things, but he's Pea's dad, and Pea needs his daddy in his life.

I have been granted a stay. Pea's case has been moved to my county, which means that I have a chance to have things re-evaluated. I have a fucking chance.

And this time, I am not taking their word for anything. This is war.

I have written to a lawyer, requesting advice for the case ahead. My brand spankin' new support person is actually on my side in this. My sister is offering advice which is surprisingly helpful. I am hoisting my goddamn banner again as we speak!

THE BATTLE HAS RECOMMENCED!!!

Now, does anyone have a spare pair of knees? Mine don't seem to work right now... *wobble*

The battle is lost. The county just called. Based on the information they have, they do not feel it's worth it starting another investigation into my parenting skills. They don't feel I am stable enough for Pea's needs. They need to see a longer period of stability before they're willing to reconsider the matter. Which means that Pea is going into fostercare.

The fact that Pea is doing well right now is not important, apparently. They are going to uproot him completely because he might not do well in the future. Might.

Fuck it all.

They keep saying the task now will be to get him back home, but even if that happens, it probably won't be for another five years. Pea will be 9 years old, then. Jesus fuck. And how the hell am I supposed to learn how to deal with Pea's issues if I don't have him with me? "But you'll see him something like every other weekend." Oh, yeah, that'll teach me loads about how everyday life with an autistic child is. Loads. Not. Bastards.

I have just not been able to keep up with things on LJ and DW lately. I only seem to remember to check in every couple of weeks or so, and I am so sorry if I've missed any major points in your lives.

Real life is just being crazy, and I have pretty much given up on blogging about all of it. Basically these days I only blog when I just randomly get the urge to do so, so what I write probably doesn't reflect very accurately what's going on in my life.

The broad strokes are as follows: Still no news about foster care. Slight progress on getting help for my head. Zero improvement in financial situation. Issues with B are slowly cropping up more and more, and moods are tense. Things are truly coming to a head. I expect some chaos in my near future when this all culminates.

But Pea is beautiful and perfect, and my head is at least keeping its bitching at a level where I can function fairly well, which is a MAJOR improvement.

And I'm still churning out writing like woah. Whatever is doing that, please never stop!

I'm just so happy to be alive right now. I haven't been on medication for ages, my anxiety is a mere tickle, depression is only there when there's actually something to be down about and I have actual hope for the future.

My financial situation is still horrific, and Pea might still go to a foster home. But that's for tomorrow. Today the sky is blue and the sun is high. I feel good, my son is doing great, my whole family is doing well and... I think I might actually have a new friend.

My muses are practically piling writing mojo on me, I sleep amazingly well at night... and I've done actual gardening this week. Who'd have thunk...

To all of you, my dear friends, I say: may you all have sunny days like these. *hugs* I love you all!