thank you

This sounds sooooo very familiar to me. Is your difficult child on any medications?
I can tell you the things I found most helpful.

Detaching, not reacting to alot of things (bit my tongue ALOT!), not worrying about homework (battles got to intense). I was as sensitive as I could be to the needy behaviors. But, there is just a point where you have to try to change it. My difficult child still wants me all to herself and she is 15. Still tries to keep me away from my boyfriend.

i just got difficult child's testing scores and he is very smart and not enough variance for Learning Disability (LD). he claims he is bored at school and we are just trying to get them to keep him in school and calm down the violent meltdowns. school work will come latter on down the road.

difficult child is also into hugging big time. from what i have read separation anxiety is sometimes part of bipolar. i get"mommy, mommy, mommy" all the time and the excess hugging is driving my husband nuts.

we just started medications 1 mth ago but on such a low dose i am hoping as they up it we will see it working.

It's time to get "No Homework" written into her IEP at school. Or, if you think it will work, just tell her that homework is her responsibility and therefore her problem. Natural consequences will be taking over. Then notify her teachers that you won't be fighting this particular battle anymore, but you are hoping difficult child will rise to the occasion. Is it possible your daughter suffers from anxiety? My Duckie becomes extremely clingy when anxious, she needs to be reassured and calmed down at every turn.

Sounds familiar! So sorry!
First of all, I want you to know that my difficult child is much better now than he was 2 yrs ago. There is hope!

Busywend is right... detachment is paramount. I'm still learning. I was and still am one of difficult child's biggest triggers. A calm voice, consistency, repetition and follow-through are very important. I gave up too easily.
Tiredmommy is right with-natural consequences, too. If difficult child says she doesn't care (I suspect she shouts it) you just say "fine," and follow through with-consequences.

It has taken a lot of work on all of our parts. And it's not over yet. It's a process. You know how, when you go on a diet, you're not supposed to say that any more? --you're making a "lifestyle change." It's like that.

The first thing I did was find a child psychiatric with-a lot of imagination. And a sense of humor. (That is SO important!) I was not a "normal" child. I read, colored, played with-friends, stayed in my room a lot. I was boring.
So I was totally clueless when it came to my difficult child. Especially since our easy child was literally perfect.

difficult child screamed from the get-go. LOUD shrieks. Clingy to the point where he hurt my back. We could not take him anywhere. Our lives came to a standstill.
Fast forward to school...
major power struggles, blow-ups, you name it.
He constantly forgot his backpack, left it at school. Ran out the door, and I had to go door-to-door to find him. The neighbors wouldn't cooperate, didn't understand why I didn't want him on GameBoy 24/7 and he needed to do homework and participate in his own family activities. (You know, if another parent gives me a rule for their kids, I don't question it. But that's another issue. Just ticks me off... )
I had to ground him indefinitely and answer the door myself to send his friends away. (Yes, they've come back...)

In re: to the backpack, I told him that the next time he forgot it, he would be sent to his room for the rest of the night. No dinner. No backrub. Nada.
Two nights in a row (screaming and kicking, you bet!!!) and the 3rd day he came home with-his backpack. No more issues.
That was 2 yrs ago.

Your homework issues could be different, but our homework was partially the fault of the aftercare program he was in. The moms in charge were out of control themselves, so the kids were obnoxious. difficult child came home waaaay overstimulated, couldn't do homework in aftercare, couldn't do it at home. I gave up on it and picked him up at 2, which royally messed up my schedule, but at least we didn't have the meltdowns at home any more.
We changed schools, changed aftercare, and I picked him up much earlier. I told him if he stayed after school for a short time and finished his homework every day, he could have a [junk food] snack, and play with-his friends. (Bribery or reward... I won't split hairs on definitions, ) It was hit and miss and but it has gotten MUCH better.

Does your difficult child have after-school friends? Some activity she likes? You need a bit of a carrot and stick. I suspect you've done it but your note doesn't specify.

The psychiatric gave us lots of ideas and told us that any time we put our foot down, difficult child would give us h*ll. He said the diff would be that we could cause it and plan it, in a sense, and that way, WE WOULD BE IN CONTROL OF IT, not the other way around. He, in a very nice way, told me I was too soft (he didn't say whiny but I figured that out in retrospect) and we weren't consistent. He watched us in action with-difficult child and came up with-a game plan.

We're into education and culture... we like symphonies, our fave hangout is Barnes and Noble, we like art, political discussions, that sort of thing. difficult child came along and blew us out of the water. A friend of mine told me that he was like a pit bull in a house of poodles.

difficult child's fave phrase is, "I don't care." (Maybe it's NO but that's a close second!). The teachers were upset and clueless in re: to how to get him to care. We kept upping the ante and nothing worked. It was frustrating and very sad.

The principal pointed out that he didn't care because 1)he thought there were no major consequences, 2) he gave up very easily, and 3) the work was too hard. She surmised it would only get worse if we pushed him ahead. He'd lose more self esteem, get more clingy, get more grades, have more tantrums, be more stubborn. She also said he was classic ADHD.

We held him back. It was the best thing we've ever done. First, it taught him that he was not in control, and if he didn't care, then he certainly wouldn't care which grade he was in. (Turned out he did care! ) One yr made a huge diff in his maturity level. (Which still leaves a lot to be desired, but on this bb, everything is perspective, not real age.)

We also completely cleaned out his room. A Tough Love approach. We also put him on Adderol. Changed his diet, found out he was allergic to wheat and dairy, are still trying to get rid of those. We did neurofeedback for several months. More tests to come, too... possible Asperberger's diagnosis.

My husband is a chiro, so is very anti-medication. Just getting difficult child on Adderol was a major effort. difficult child has physically attacked me but we have never put him on mood stabilizers... just worked with-the child psychiatric. There has been SO much improvement in the past 4 mo's I cannot even begin to tell you.

One of the things about our psychiatric is that he's more into behaviorism than the "why" of it all. IOW, difficult child cannot behave a certain way in certain situations. Let's get that under control and worry about the rest later. It's been working. In fact, it's almost been making the "why" of it all a moot point.

Meanwhile, I thought I was going to lose my mind. Sometimes husband would walk in the door and I'd walk right past him and get in my car and go anywhere as fast as I could, just to get away. Sometimes it's still like that. But instead of 3X a day, now it's only once a wk. or so, and the instances are becoming fewer and farther between.

Hon, who are his professionals and why haven't they sat down and told you, in detail, what is wrong and why he is the way he is? Do you think they have the right diangosis? Has he seen a Child Psychiatrist (with the MD) and a neuropsychologist? Has nobody you pay offered to help you understand your child? Isn't that their job? I would demand it, if you're satisfied with the diagnosis and like the professionals. If you're not, I'd move on. I never stopped looking for help--a professional who actually "got" my son and could help me deal with him. It made all the difference, but I quit anybody who didn't help me or my child. It's a whole difference experience with my son now that he has the right diagnosis and we understand him. Sometimes I think too many of the professionals that are paid good money don't even "get it" themselves and don't help us because they have no idea how. I'd seek another opinion if he hasn't had intensive testing and if nobody ever explains this question to you. It's a good question, very valid. You deserve a good answer.