Thursday, April 22, 2010

Nata's punch list

Pointy corners on overhanging kitchen cupboards. Accidentally knock your head into one and you will know why.

People who say ‘arx.’ Ask is the word, and it isn’t a hard word either. You are doing it on purpose and I want to pelt you with pocket dictionaries. “Can I arx you something?” NO. Fuck off.

Smirkers. If you smirk at me, you are likely to end up with it coming out the back of your head.

Discovering I don’t have enough of one ingredient halfway through cooking.

People who ask inappropriate questions during chit-chat. I’m married, so apparently it is your right to ask “So are you guys planning to have kids soon?” What am I supposed to say to that? “Yeah, we’re planning to start trying soon, but right now we’re just practicing a lot” or maybe “Yes, and we’ve decided to announce it first to you, the person that I see once a year at someone else’s party, rather than to our parents or anyone that it might actually affect.” That is between my husband and me, and surprisingly, we aren’t interested in obtaining a cheer squad to stand by the bed when we get to that point. My plans to procreate should not be on your list of things to discuss at a party. And when I do get pregnant, you won’t be one of the people that I tell, just because you are such a nosey fuckwit.

Anyone with a catchphrase. It was funny the first two, maybe three times, you said it, but after the eighty-seventh time I’m ready to tie you to a rocket and aim you at the nearest asteroid for the sake of humanity.

Having to create meals for people with multiple food allergies. “Oh, I can’t have dairy, or gluten, or legumes, or beef, or anything with nutmeg or cinnamon or soy or cocoa or egg…” Right, steamed Styrofoam it is then. Enjoy.

People who chew on pens or pencils that are not theirs. And then you get them back, and it’s still wet...ick.

Shopping carts in empty car spaces. Especially when you don’t see them until you are halfway into the park, and then you have to back out awkwardly and find another spot. What kind of fat, lazy moron can’t walk ten extra paces to go put them away in the returns thingy? I’ve seen limping old ladies and women with four children under the age of four manage it, so why the hell can’t you?

La Raine - Even if it is the original pronunciation, there is a good reason that language evolves. I mean, do we really want to go back to adding 'eth' onto everything (including the word 'fart' for crying out loud? I mean, who really wants to ask their husband "Hath thou farteth?"? It really doesn't convey the emotion behind the question like our current manner of speech...hooray for really long bracket interruptions)?So if people are wanting to go back in time, can we all just agree to develop the concept of a time machine and be done with it? Devolving language seems like the hard way to me.

What is WITH some people? Reminds me of the fellow team-mom at the ballfield asking me if my 12-year-old daughter had started her period yet. And from what I'm told, it's not uncommon for acquaintances to ask pregnant women if their condition is intentional or accidental. What is WITH some people?

Commas and the equals symbol mean very different things. See, if I say I ate a cheese, lettuce and tomato sandwich for lunch, I am not saying that cheese = lettuce.

See if I say I had a cheese sandwich, I'm not being very specific, and I'm generalising the cheese sandwich genre as a whole, and I'm not the type of person to make generalisations. So, to be specific I add a comma, and then I say the next item, and then the next. This way, I am being very specific about what type of sandwich I had.

when I wrote fat, lazy moron, I was speaking of people who possess all three qualities. I did not infer that they are the same thing, in fact listing each shows that I have quite a firm grasp of the difference between the two.

I know fat people who aren't lazy at all, and I know lazy people who are actually very thin, thus when I used those two phrases together, I was not saying fat=lazy, I was talking about a very specific type of person with that combination of traits, because I don't want to alienate a whole sect of society by failing to be specific in my statement.

I hope this has cleared up your grammatical confusion.

ps- I used the sandwich as an example because I like sandwiches, me, I like them. It was in no way under the assumption that it is the only subject a fat person would understand. I know intelligent fat people too. If you'd like I'll offer one using shoes, because I also like shoes.

How about self-checkout at the grocery? It's bad enough they keep moving things so you have to wander every aisle then they expect you to ring it up yourself, which takes twice as long and always requires some over-ride.

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