Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Get That Wednesday Out Of Your Mouth, You Have No Idea Where It's Been!

Did you know the sea slug has a disposable penis? It's true, I just heard it on NPR this morning. Well, actually I heard it on the BBC via NPR, and here's the accompanying article:

Japanese researchers observed the bizarre mating behaviour in a species called Chromodoris reticulata, which is found in the Pacific Ocean.They believe this is the first creature known that can repeatedly copulate with what they describe as a "disposable penis".

First creature that can repeatedly copulate with a disposable penis? Uh, wrong again, science!

(Each member of the Cipollini women's cycling team receives a custom-grown disposable penis. Here, Cipollini discusses sizing with one of his riders.)

I think it's sick that taxpayer money goes to funding radio broadcasts about slug penises, and I think it's even sicker that the government is trying to take my Second Amendment rights away so I can't shoot at the radio in disgust. See, in England they don't have a Second Amendment, and that's why their media is full of stories about slug dicks and cricket balls:

I guess it's true what they say: The sun never sets on the British Empire's insatiable appetite for bug porn.

In other news of government run amok, here in New York City these insidious things called "bike lanes" are robbing us of our God-given right to drive our cars on every inch of pavement. Bike lanes come from Europe, which is reason enough to hate them. I mean, didn't we fight a war against Europe? Fortunately though we probably won't have to deal with this stupid bike lane thing for much longer, since there doesn't seem to be a single mayoral candidate who will express support for them:

Basically, if you're a New York City cyclist, it looks like you're going to have three choices:

1) Vote for a candidate who will swiftly remove all the bike lanes;
2) Vote for a candidate who will pull them out slowly one by one, like toenails in a CIA interrogation;
3) Vote for a candidate who will basically ignore them and let the bike infrastructure gradually wither and die.

Of course, when announcing you're going to remove bike lanes, it's important to point out that you're an "avid bike rider:"

John C. Liu, the city’s comptroller and a likely Democratic candidate for mayor, said in a phone interview that removing existing lanes would be “a likely scenario in some parts of the city,” particularly in Brooklyn and Queens, if he succeeded Mr. Bloomberg.While calling himself “an avid bike rider,” Mr. Liu expressed skepticism about the polling numbers on bikes. “It depends who’s doing the poll,” he said. “I don’t recall any opponents of bike lanes conducting any polls.”

John C. Liu is an avid bike rider like President Obama is an avid skeet shooter.

Also, make sure to have a shaky reason for removing the bike lanes:

Joseph J. Lhota, the former chairman of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority and a Republican candidate for mayor, also said he “could see” removing lanes that he deemed problematic. He noted that some bus drivers along the B63 route in Park Slope, Brooklyn, had complained about the perils of sharing space with bike riders.

Wait, the bus drivers are afraid of the cyclists? What are they worried about, that their bikes might scratch the buses when they run over the cyclists?

Most importantly, don't forget to call the bike lanes "controversial," even when the majority of New Yorkers are in favor of them:

In her remarks to WNYC, Ms. Quinn called the city’s lanes “clearly controversial,” and said that some had been constructed “without consultation with communities and community boards.”

Oh, and once again, always remember to point out that you support cycling and that you ride a bike, even if you only do it rarely and in another state:

Ms. Quinn also said she supported cycling in general, and rode occasionally near her weekend home in New Jersey. “My district is crazy for bike lanes,” she said.

"Rode occasionally" means that somewhere in the garage she's pretty sure there's a bicycle, though it was already there when she moved in. By the way, Mayor Bloomberg gets a lot of crap for fleeing to Bermuda every chance he gets, but at least I can understand the temptation. On the other hand, you have to really hate New York City if you'd rather spend the weekends in New Jersey.

Not all Strava badges are equal. One of the most desired is attached to Harlem Hill, a notoriously steep incline in New York's Central Park. About 3,350 Strava users have raced Harlem Hill a combined total of about 90,000 times, making a minor celebrity of Chad Butts, a local cycling coach who has held the Harlem Hill KOM since June 2011. "I hear about it a lot—more than I thought it would," says Butts, 33. If someone dethroned him, he adds, "I would go back to reclaim it."

Actually, Harlem Hill isn't really that steep, it just has the misfortune of being an incline in Central Park, which probably boasts the highest concentration of crabon bikes in the known universe. Therefore, being the biggest hill in Central Park is like being the most attractive woman in a bar in Midtown, except instead of getting pawed at by frat boys and insurance brokers it's constantly molested by Freds.

By the way, if you're tired of foffing off furtively to Strava and instead want to share your depraved dorkiness with the world, then be sure to invest in the new "Segment Hunter" t-shirt:

I had two questions while watching this video. The first was, "What year is this?"

And the second was, "While it may be possible for this person to reclaim his Strava segment record, can he ever reclaim his dignity?"

These questions are obviously rhetorical. Everybody knows Grand Rapids, MI exists exactly 10 years in the past, and everybody also knows that dignity is fully incompatible with aerobars.

Evidently their disdain for our "age of eroding masculinity" does not extend to letting people make fun of their video on the Internet. And speaking of masculinity, I wonder if they'd let this guy accompany them on their next wilderness wine and cheese adventure:

You saw me traveling on my bike. You admired me- all dirty and handsome. With half a traffic cone on the back of my bike. Do these things REALLY work out? Find out... POOF!

Is that half a traffic cone on your bike, or are you just happy to see us?

I kind of miss the old days, when the objects of Snob's scorn would often show up here, full of piss and vinegar, and delight us with evidence that Snob had them nailed from the start. But I don't miss them that much. Has the general population of the interwebs gotten a clue about satire, or have they just figured out they won't win?

the bike lane protest thing never ceases to amaze me. If you want safer and more walkable streets have less cars not bikes. Cars are way more annoying and dangerous than cyclists and in a city with one of the most comprehensive and inexpensive mass transit systems in the world why are 70% of the vehicles on the street taxi cabs? because New York has a huge amount of selfish lazy pricks that can't be bothered to walk 50 feet to the nearest subway or are too precious to rub elbows with the masses. yes, I'm sure there are some minor inconveniences to bike lanes but only to the assholes who are taking a cab 10 blocks. in a city with real problems (crime, a weak economy, crumbling infrastructure a deteriorating public school system) the fact that bike lanes is even on the agenda is embarrassing. I'm beside myself with anger wildcat.

Since we're having a bitch-fest today, I must protest the IOC for dropping wrestling from the Olympics. It's the only the only thing Iowa is really good at. (Sorry for ending the sentence with a preposition)

But if they close the bike lanes in Midtown and UWS, what will Fresh Direct delivery guys, pied a terre moms with strollers, and joggers with persecution complexes use instead of the sidewalk?

It would be nice if the cops actually did something about drivers who kill people, but you are dealing with NYPD. I just got a callback from an officer regarding an assault that happened in front of my building almost three months ago.

It's kinda depressing realizing that people like Christine Quinn, who are supposedly progressive liberals, aren't even on your side. I bet some stupid guy on a bike made her late to a meeting when she couldn't make a left turn on the yellow.

Does she mention her weekend home in NJ to just twist the knife a little, or does being a powerful person really make you that clueless?

Speaking of car/bike lane conflicts, in the state where I live a cyclist in the bike lane was struck and seriously injured by a car turning right without looking.

The driver's insurer is refusing to pay on the theory that the cyclist was obligated to come to a complete stop in the bike lane at the point where adjacent traffic was backed up for the traffic light, and because the cyclist had proceeded forward in the unimpeded bike lane, the cyclist was at fault.

poor wilderness collective. it would seem that their homoerotic tale of adventure and self discovery has garnered a lot of attention - though maybe not the attention they were seeking. There seems to have been a collective "bitch slapping" of their ultra smooth, straight razor shaved faces by the many hands of the internets. In particular, some pretty funny ones by fee-male writers that essentially call them pussies. I tend to agree, they are exhibiting pussy like behavior. Either that, or they've removed their penises.

Also see "I'm not a racist" (right before saying something totally racist)Also see "We must defend our freedom" (right before taking away someone's freedom)Also see "God is on our side/it is the will of Allah/etc" (right before committing all manner of murders and ungodly atrocities)

Hint: None of them are coincidences.

You know, I thought about the Wilderness Douches some more and realized, they actually chose the PERFECT narrator -- to nail their target demographic. Because when you're a wealthy urban douche wondering where your masculinity went, you're going to respond positively to someone like yourself. Someone actually masculine talking at you is just going to scare you away.

Greco-Roman wrestling: One of the few things in the Olympics that was actually done in the original Olympics, and they're dropping it?

Those putzes actually did start a campfire with a propane torch? The bloody hell! I thought Snob was artfully exaggerating again. I'm just glad I had the good sense to not watch the video while it was available.

Say, you don't suppose that was an Onion-level parody, do you? I'd like to think so. Otherwise, I'm gonna hafta go finish off that bottle of whiskey in the cupboard and start a fresh one.

...btw...'prehensile penis'...bwahahaha !!!...who came up with that name, a marine biologist ???...

...& hey, it might not be all that big but you're talkin' about a lean, mean, porpoise pussy, ploughin' machine, ya ???...

...anyway, you start lookin' around the ocean & you spot the humongous tallywacker on my long lost cousin the sperm whale & you're suddenly wanting to fuck everything in sight just so you don't feel inadequate, ya ???...

Homerun, Snob.Hay, Lance, there's no drug testing in professional wrestling.

Rollie, you really hit the dolphin on the nose with that one.

BR 531 I love your late realization. I gritted my teeth and watched the entire vid. Everything that you could make up in your head that would make a trip "Least Rugged and Manly Trip Ever" was in there. Especially choking was when the narrator claimed "it was NOT about adventure for adventure's sake" which it clearly, totally, absolutely, unequivocally was.

One of my X's bought us an ATV excursion for my birthday one year, and it was great fun, but I didn't claim that it made either of us more masculine. haha. Although I did ditch her in the beginner group, but I'd argue that's more "assholey" than "manly." But since she said I could it was probably neither.

I have friends that ride motos, and they ride that 300+mi in one day, and they don't pay pro chefs, bartenders, guides, mechanics, videographers, and gentle-tent-shaking-as-alarm-clock guys to follow them around doing all the real work, while they unload a few tents outta the back of a pickup and claim that it's "taking charge" and "not tame or safe."

- you need a blowtorch to light a fire. In a fireplace.- you line up your matching pup tents in a row and wear matching outfits like you're recreating Wes Anderson's greatest hits. Only, it's 'real' life.- your castrated voice makes NPR personalities sound like Andre the Giant.- you use "Kindling" the magazine as actual kindling.- you have to write a manifesto to go camping.- you decide on gin and tonics, cuz Bradley's idea of mojitos was too girly.- you film the entire thing.

Valentine's...the most depressing day of the year. Depressing if you are single and depressing if you are in a relationship because you are thinking of all the hot, single lonely girls you could hook up with.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!