Ponedjeljak 9 Ševval 1438

The Sun is in 11 Cancer (in my 10th house): A Chinese woman nursing a baby whose aura reveals him to be the reincarnation of a great teacher. (Symbol for 12 Cancer from Dane Rudhyar, An Astrological Mandala)

The Moon is at 12Sco23 (in my 2nd house). Lunar mansion (according to Ibn 'Arabi): 18, Sphere of the Ether and the Meteors, Center of Fire, letter Tā, The Seizer (Al-Qābiḍ).

Since I last wrote, I have continued to prepare for the coming semester and have also made some tentative moves toward pursuing a scholarly research agenda.

Mainly I am continuing the process of reflecting on the range of my activities over the past 15 years or so, seeking some healing around issues of greater and lesser degrees of academic productivity versus time and energy spent on projects that are meaningful to me personally.

Amid lingering concerns about the time and energy required to do so, I have decided to resume some astrological projects that I had laid aside because of work commitments (or because of guilt related to possibly missing more oportunities to demonstrate scholarly productivity because of diverting my attention in other directions).

One of the projects I am currently pursuing is to resume my re-reading of Rudhyar's book on the astrological houses. I am currently reviewing and taking notes on his chapter on the 6th house, which has to do with servanthood and discipleship. Characteristically for Rudhyar, this function of this house has to do with growth through crisis. While reviewing this chapter, I began to think about the transit of Uranus through my 6th house and its connection with my (mis)adventures in the Amma org. On this (re)consideration of that period, I paid attention not only to the conjunctions of transiting Uranus to my natal 6th hosue planets, but also to the aspects formed by transiting Uranus to other planets in my chart. What I discovered was that my participation in the Amma org followed a period in which transiting Uranus squared natal Venus. I recalled having the thought, as I was preparing to leave my former position in my former city, "Maybe I'll have an affair." It seems as if Uranus may have been tugging at Venus to try to get my attention around some energies that might come into play later.

I have been over this many times, in part because the timing was so precise and symbolism so clear, but my meeting of X and my introduction to the Amma org came when transiting Uranus was conjunct natal Jupiter in Pisces, and Uranus in fact stationed retrograde right on my natal Jupiter (the image I have of that is one of burning a hole in paper by concentrating the rays of the sun through a magnifying glass). That was the blissful and intoxicating beginning of that initiatory process. The painful portion came when transiting Uranus was conjunct my natal Chiron, which featured another retrograde station. Meanwhile, transiting Uranus was opposing natal Uranus in Virgo in the 12th house, a classic marker of the onset of midlife crisis. Because of Uranus's retrograde motion and the proximity of Jupiter and Chiron in my natal chart, Uranus transited my natal Jupiter once again. This coincided with my hopes of a repair of my failing friendship with X and with our trip to Amma's November program in Michigan that year (2004). We were able to experience some enjoyable moments on that trip, but my trust in our friendship was clearly faltering. Its definitive end came when (now direct) Uranus transited my natal Chiron once again.

While transiting Uranus was still in range of Chiron (intermittently by retrograde and direct motion), it began to oppose natal Pluto in Virgo in the 12th house. What I hadn't seen before was how this opposition coincided with ups and downs, and presence and absence, in my friendship with Y, which appears to have serving a related but distinct archetypal purpose from my friendship with X.

Around the time that Uranus was leaving my 6th house and entering upon the final third of Pisces in my 7th house, my mother died. That event showed up the failures of satsang and of my (now struggling) friendship with Y to provide the support that I previously believed them to be able to provide during the latter stages of my mother's illness. The next significant aspect from transiting Uranus began at that time, when Uranus squared my natal Moon in Sagittarius in my 4th house. This was not about reaching out toward new relationships, but rather about reviewing my experiences of maternal nurturing from a different, less personal perspective. I began Rosen work at that time and my friendship with Y faded steadily. He moved to the West Coast later that year.

What I gained from this re-examination of this period is the sense that a particular kind of process had played itself and then other processes began. It makes sense to me that I would miss the intensity of period and that it would remain a point of reference (as all deep initiatory experiences will do), but it also reassures me that I needn't feel that I have to undergo that kind of intensity again in order to have further experiences of growth. Part of the attraction of that intensity was that it felt as if so much potent energy was coming at me from the outside that I needed to do was to ride along with it and some sort of transformation was likely to occur. That may be true for part of processes such as those, but then it seems inevitable that there will be some sort of crash (or more than one crash or disappointment) and the next part of the process will feel alienating and like an uphill climb.