A Mother's Wages

Or wiped a runny nose, Or made a bed or acted as Their judge or referee,

It would be possible that I Could live in luxury.

If I were paid a nickel for

Each diaper that I've pinned, For every Band-Aid I've applied

When arms or legs were skinned, For every toy that I've picked up

And put back in it's niche, There wouldn't be a single doubt--

Why, I could be quite rich.

If just one dime would be my fee

For giving them a pill, For making meals and wiping up

The milk they always spill, For darning scores of tiny socks,

For fixing things that break, It wouldn't be too long before

A fortune I would make.

Although it's true I don't receive A solitary cent,

I'm repaid in many ways For all the time I've spent.

Their smiles, their love is my reward For this unending care,

And I am richer, yes, by far Than any millionaire!

~~ Author Unknown ~~

POSITION: MOM

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work various hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

This is for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and embarrassed the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.