Monday, 9 June 2008

Euan

13/11/07It appears I've missed a week, which is a blatant attack on the rules. Rest assured this will not happen again.

In my defence I've nowhere to really go now except Euan, and I was surprised at the range of emotions that led to. Euan and I have always had a variable relationship. There was the stage when he was the older sibling who looked after me and I was an annoying brat. There was the stage when he was an unhappy teenager and I was an annoying brat. He then moved out into the wider world and found God and I remained at home to be an annoying brat.

He's now a married father whilst I remain an annoying brat. He really could learn something about consistency of character from me if he took the time.

Seriously though Euan is the second child. Traditionally this is the follower, or the quiet one. Someone who is in the shadow of the eldest - at least until they escape out into the wider world. They grow up being bossed around by the eldest. Even now I find myself coming back to Catriona when I think of Euan.

Anyway, unlike Catriona I have more vivid memories of Euan. It probably helped that we were both male, but equally they're less specifics as they are generalities. My love of fantasy comes from him reading the Hobbit to me when I was younger. The music I like is thanks to what I'd hear him playing in his room.

In fact the more I think about it, the more I realise that most of my interests come from Euan. Art, poetry, literatune, computers, DVDs, music, you name it he started me off on it somehow.

What's interesting here is that it's impossible to talk obut Euan without mentioning faith. He is a true believer. Someone who draws strength and calm from his belief and casts it out into the world. It lifts him when he's sad, and it rejoices with him when he's happy.

I'm not saying he doesn't question it at times - he's too intelligent a person not to. But that's the religion, and not the underlying faith in God that he maintains.

One of the most disappointing things I'll ever admit to him is that it's not something I can ever believe in myself. No matter how hard I have tried in the past.

Anyway, this is about my perceptions of him, not about me. Because Euan remains something of an enigma to me. it's not that I don't understand him, it's more a case of I don't understand how he manages to be such a thoroughly good, nice, lovely, wonderful man.

Because I think I do disappoint him - much more often than I'd like. It's nothing I can put my finger on, and it's never anything major, but every so often I'll do or say something and hell' get this look, or this tone of voice. Just enough to make me stop and reconsider what I've don.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that he's probably the most decent, kind and considerate person I know, and he's someone I'd really like to be more like.

This was me, now it's just me.

For various reasons my life went through a period of huge upheaval. But that's over now and I'm taking some time to deal with all that's gone before.

I also made a simple New Year's Resolution. I would do one thing each day that improved my life somehow.

It worked. Life in a way I can't really explain got better. I started to see things in new and more interesting ways, I started to understand who I was and where I was going.

Until one day I realised I didn't have to look inside anymore to define my life. One day I might even explain that. So now I'm looking outward at the world around me.

Every day I'm taking a photo. I'm trying to do it as close to 6 o'clock as possible, but I'm not too fussed if I miss it. I'm trying to make each of them interesting, but if there's nothing there then I'll just photograph what I can see.