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Yes, this happens to me regularly. Some people I just don't "click" with - I know I have to tolerate them but sometimes it's tough and it makes me frustrated and tired. I know I should like them more, and I try to. Some of them I've even ended up as friends with, but if my relationship with them is unhealthy, it's not going in any other direction than downhill.

A certain ISTJ I know I think secretly gets on my nerves but I would never admit it to myself or anyone else.

Interesting thread. I have early unflattering encounters with people that show me very clearly who they prefer to be beneath the smiles and fakeness. I usually keep this information to myself and move on. With near 100% accuracy those same people will in time gain reputations for being what I found them to be. Even though for a (significant) time their popularity was near universal.

I'm a believer in vibes, although less as a form of psychism and more as the unconscious reading of subtle signals and the correct and interpretation of them. Giving them the feeling of being some kind of psychism. Now others can tell me I'm projecting all they like, but I don't think my projecting is strong enough to effect the behaviours of these people in my absence.

Some people are better at this than others, I dont think it comes down to MBTI but street smarts. Now in terms of being drained? I am drained by the presence of just about everyone, including people I like. Proximity to people in small doses please.

Why does this happen? What is the phenomenon behind this? Sometimes, I will encounter someone who seems like a nice person on the surface, but after interacting with them, I start feeling very agitated and upset. Why do I feel this way after interacting with them?

Like I have a teacher who seems like a nice person on the surface, he is always asking questions about my life, always showing concern for me, but I don't know why, after every interaction with him, my energy start getting sapped out and I start feeling very agitated and upset with him.

What does this feeling mean? Why does my energy get drained whenever I am around him?

It's not concern for you and it's not feeling drained. It's intrusive and creepy. There are people who are oblivious to what they are doing so I hope you are making your feelings known clearly (I would be at the stay the fuck away from me point). Everyone drains me to one degree or another. It's not a personal thing and people close to me know that but it's certainly offensive to others. I don't especially care though.

I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

It's not concern for you and it's not feeling drained. It's intrusive and creepy. There are people who are oblivious to what they are doing

Agree. Do you think she should report him to an authority figure?

In my experience, these creepers are encouraged by nearly any interaction/non-interaction you have with them. Once they lock into you, not much you can do to make them stop. The most effective deterrent that I've found was getting it all out there in the open.

In my experience, these creepers are encouraged by nearly any interaction/non-interaction you have with them. Once they lock into you, not much you can do to make them stop. The most effective deterrent that I've found was getting it all out there in the open.

Yes, she should take it to someone with authority over the teacher but she should tell him to back the fuck off first. I think people like the teacher are more likely to prey on the people who are least likely to protest so - don't be one of those people.

I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

I can relate to getting very agitated by the bolded. And I think it's actually a relatively common thing for INFJs to get agitated by this- we can tell when someone is generally misunderstanding a lot of things about what we say, and it's distressing when they don't pick up on the fact that they're agitating us with it (this has been discussed ad nauseum in this forum). It's hard for us to understand how others wouldn't pick up on something that seems obvious to us (that we're bothering/irritating someone), so we're at a loss as to how to remedy the problem in a considerate way: every option (which requires directly requesting some form of "please stop doing this") feels presumptuous and condescending. This is particularly difficult to do in the throes of actually being agitated- because if/when we issue "please stop doing this" statements (which feels very counter-intuitive in itself), we generally put a lot of effort in framing things to avoid sounding offensive, we typically need to feel like they are rational requests instead of thoughtless, accusatory and compulsive demands- and feeling emotionally charged makes this sometimes already very difficult task infinitely harder. When I see someone else effortless saying something like "I need you to back off" without making everyone involved feel uncomfortable/awkward <- that looks like a superpower to me. My usual approach is silently backing away/distancing myself- and yes, where it's not available to easily do this (because the person isn't picking up on visible cues that they're causing distress, and it's not easily available to avoid their presence), I usually find it incredibly exhausting to deal with them.

I think INFJs tend to feel like we're getting backed into a corner very easily this way. Even when we already understand the person isn't being oafish on purpose, it's still distressing- just like when someone accidentally steps on your toe, it still might cause a discomfort that makes it difficult to think clearly regardless of how much they "didn't mean to" step on your toe. It seems like other types struggle to understand how this could possibly be such a problem for us, because they don't have as difficult a time as we do coming up with some way to say "please stop this." (I'm going to admit I get touchy when people take a "this doesn't bother me, it's easy for me to deal with and therefore there's something unhealthy/wrong about you if it isn't easy for you" stance). And the fact that it often gets chalked up to paranoia or hypersensitivity is probably exactly what makes INFJs incredibly selective about who we talk to about things like this in the first place. But yes, I find it invasive (however inadvertent, it will still *feel* invasive) and draining.

I've been thinking about the second paragraph of this post for a long while, because it doesn't seem universally INFJ to me. I wonder it has anything to do with types 5 and/or 9 in conjunction with INFJ?

I asked my INFJ mother if she related to this post -- and she said she did to an extent, but didn't say anything about invasiveness/etc. I got the impression that she sees what the first paragraph is describing as "just life" and doesn't let it get her down too much.

Here's what she wrote:

Yes, I pick up on things I think are obvious and no one else does, and I get antsy about it (why don't they stop what they're doing? Can't they tell it's bothering the other person?!) but I figure it's not really my business. With Dad, for example, I'll tell him after the fact ("that other person was uncomfortable; did you notice?") but not during -- that would be rude. Although sometimes i will jump in and try to change the subject or say "I'm going to get some punch and cookies!" in the hopes that I can divert things.

Should mention that she's a 1w2/2w1/6w7 (I think) and is very concrete/practical. She also has no problem whatsoever with asserting her needs as they relate to space, energy, and personal relationships -- something that I see as more related to 5 and 9, which is why I suggested those types earlier in the post. She still asserts herself in a very INFJ way -- e.g. "Getting punch and cookies" -- which is very effective w/r to telling everyone in the room that she sees the situation as a conflict, and it makes her uncomfortable.

Obviously I'm not an INFJ so I can only really speculate, and am mostly writing this post based on an Si vibe.

Last edited by EJCC; 11-15-2014 at 02:10 PM.
Reason: elaboration

EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"

I've been thinking about the second paragraph of this post for a long while, because it doesn't seem universally INFJ to me. I wonder it has anything to do with types 5 and/or 9 in conjunction with INFJ?

I asked my INFJ mother if she related to this post -- and she said she did to an extent, but didn't say anything about invasiveness/etc. I got the impression that she sees what the first paragraph is describing as "just life" and doesn't let it get her down too much.

Well, to be clear- I wrote that I find it invasive, and that I think it’s an INFJ thing to feel agitated (though in retrospect, "especially bemused/stunned" would be more accurate) by this kind of behavior (specifically, the things I bolded in what I quoted in previous post) and/or to get agitated when someone presses on with a dialogue in which communication feels like it’s more of an uphill climb than it’s worth (which is why we often tag certain people as “incompatible”- there are just some people with whom communication regularly takes up more energy than it’s worth). Both of those things have been discussed enough that I felt comfortable saying they’re INFJ things (and as such, I used “we” instead of “I”). Whether or not other INFJs also find the somewhat relentless (as described by op) pressing forth invasive, I can’t say. (And yes, I suspect I find it particularly invasive on account of being an e5.)

Yes, I pick up on things I think are obvious and no one else does, and I get antsy about it (why don't they stop what they're doing? Can't they tell it's bothering the other person?!) but I figure it's not really my business. With Dad, for example, I'll tell him after the fact ("that other person was uncomfortable; did you notice?") but not during -- that would be rude. Although sometimes i will jump in and try to change the subject or say "I'm going to get some punch and cookies!" in the hopes that I can divert things.

In case it even matters: the bolded suggests to me we’re talking about different things. Like maybe she read this as being the context of watching it happen to someone else instead of being the person it’s happening to? That makes a big difference. It’s easier (not draining) to be an observer and notice it, because there’s no direct pressure to figure out how I can effectively avoid interaction without hurting the other person’s feelings. We might feel compelled to step in and intervene with some distraction/redirection to help the person (if we know them, and suspect they’d want the help)- but that’s still not the same thing as being directly in that position where someone is being rather relentless in pursuing dialogue whilst obviously (to me) not really hearing me or picking up on how anxious it’s making me.

Also- I assume the person in the op isn’t talking about interaction that can be avoided with a simple “I’m going to go grab a soda!” sort of diversion- because that’s like beginner’s Fe. I assume this person is talking about what happens AFTER the other person hasn’t picked up on these kinds of cues, when they keep pressing forth in spite of attempts to divert that have already been made and they need something more direct. It’s when those cues don’t work (and we can't avoid interaction) that we start feeling a little backed into an awkward corner- saying things directly (e.g. "I need you to stop asking me personal questions.") often feels melodramatic and/or unnecessarily harsh.