Ahoy dudes. The wise and starchy Second Council of Olive Garden is searching for holy scripture to be added to the Loose Canon. The Council is only accepting stuff the fits the whole FSM thing, so no hate-mongering, supporting things that obviously contradict our teachings, or general douchey stuff. Also, I'm a lazy man, so number your verses.

I think the ancient scribes have accumulated more than enough legal and ethical texts, but I think we should get a few modern writings to slip in. The 8 I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts are kinda central to our law and ethics and trump anything other laws. So for your own safety, don't try to make new lists of commandments. The FSM may be displeased with you if you do. Also, keep in mind our policy of flimsy moral standards, so our laws and ethics should reflect that.

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is opposed to dogmatism and doctrine, but even the most lax of scholars can't help but notice a few patterns emerging from the underlying chaos that is Pastafarianism. Whilst rejecting dogmatism outright, I think it is possible to examine some of these emergent patterns without upsetting anyone enough to get the Pirates throwing rocks at you, so I intend to examine some of them. Not doctrines, not dogma: emergent patterns. If I may, I would like to describe the first pattern which emerged to me.

The Emergent Pattern of Fallibility.

It has been suggested that the FSM, our creator, is (and I quote) ‘a dumbass’. Evidence suggests that he is indeed fallible: he created reality TV (it's rubbish); Bangladesh (too close to sea level); fossil fuels (purely for pollution - forget the global warming myth); and Governor Schwarzenegger (what can I say..?). So, whilst we would not claim that all of his creations are perfect, we can claim with a fairly high degree of certainty that many of them are fundamentally flawed.

The second law of thermodynamics states that "the entropy of an isolated system which is not in equilibrium will tend to increase over time". This law predicts the ultimate demise of the universe due to heat death: a little unfortunate for the immortal deity who has to live in said universe. This situation (that an immortal deity would create a time-limited place to live) is not predictive of there being an infallible, omnipotent and omniscient deity: it is predictive of that deity being a bit of a moron on occasion.

Similarly, if we are to take the Good Book at face value (and I see no good reason not to), He created the firmament on the second day, then He got bit drunk at the beer volcano, and woke up all fuzzy-headed on the third day. That was the day He made the land, forgetting that he had already made the firmament. He then had to move the firmament somewhere else and call it heaven, and all of a sudden He's created neighbours, which leads to fences, boundary disputes, lawsuits and the like. Not the level of organisational competence you would like to see from someone landscaping your garden, let alone creating your world.

The fifth "I'd really rather you didn't" actually seems quite a sensible suggestion from such an absent-minded deity: "I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B******s". Unfortunately in the western world, society no longer has to spend so much of its time on survival-related activities and consequently has more time available to devote to bigotry, misogyny and hate. As a result, devout Pastafarians need to spend a lot of time filling their stomachs before tackling the injustices of the world. This has led to a bit of a global obesity problem. Deity fail.

On the face of it, my argument seems a bit bleak: who is this Idiot that created our world? Why should we favour Him over some Judeo-Arabic-Christian deity who at least looks like us? Well, think about it: He's screwed up the environment He has to live in; He gets drunk and makes big mistakes, which he then has to sort out; He is made of carbohydrates and red meat which we eat too much of and get fat and unhealthy.

Truly, we are made in His image.

"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks."To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine."One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln."I linked the number of MPs to the number of votes. If you'd done a real Science degree you'd understand sticking to the point." ~ daftbeaker.

I'd like to expand on a related topic. In addition to being 'a Dumbass', His Noodly Goodness has consistently shown himself to be 'a Wiseass' as well. Consider for a moment all those things about our universe that seem to exist for no better reason than that the Creator felt like pulling a practical joke on us. Mosquitoes. Little yappy rat-dogs. Committee meetings. Quantum Mechanics. All those fossil layers put there just to trick us. Zits. The Sun and Moon appear to be the same size, setting astronomy back for generations. The most vulnerable part of the male anatomy is hanging right out in front in harm's way. The food that you like will kill you, and the food your doctor wants you to eat tastes like sticks and bark. Heck, the FSM (pesto be upon him) even allows fully grown humans to believe that they can eat "magic crackers" or wear "magic underwear". He's got to be hovering invisibly overhead, laughing his meatballs off at us!

More evidence of His Smart-aleckiness has got to be His interference in any and all scientific experiments. Any inconclusive experimental data is the direct result of the Touch of His Noodly Appendage. If we design an experiment to detect His interference, we can only have a conclusive result by having an inconclusive result! His sense of humor is readily apparent, and is also really lame and juvenile.

It has become quite evident that the universe is indeed out to get us, and to have a good laugh at our expense.

So, to follow Roy, I will have to find a name for this. I will call it

I think the 8 i rather you didn'ts neatly sum up a belief system that many a free thinking person would subscribe to. What i would like to see more of however is a clear forward planning of what this will be like in 2000 years when all the crusades and holy wars have taken place, when prophets have appeared and then disappeared again, when even new kinds of pasta are discovered. How is this doctrine going to be interpreted by the faithful of the year 4000?

What we set down now may have huge implications, a verse here or there could be interpreted down the centuries in ways that were never intended and worse used to hurt or persecute.

Are we about to have a Constantine moment?

In the words of Ted Theodore Logan, ‘be excellent to each other’…. oh and party on dudes!

starbuck wrote:I think the 8 i rather you didn'ts neatly sum up a belief system that many a free thinking person would subscribe to.

starbuck wrote: ‘be excellent to each other’

Ever read Ingersoll?

The Creed of Science:"To love justice, to long for the right, to love mercy, to pity the suffering, to assist the weak, to forget wrongs and remember benefits -- to love the truth, to be sincere, to utter honest words, to love liberty, to wage relentless war against slavery in all its forms, to love wife and child and friend, to make a happy home, to love the beautiful; in art, in nature, to cultivate the mind, to be familiar with the mighty thoughts that genius has expressed, the noble deeds of all the world, to cultivate courage and cheerfulness, to make others happy, to fill life with the splendor of generous acts, the warmth of loving words, to discard error, to destroy prejudice, to receive new truths with gladness, to cultivate hope, to see the calm beyond the storm, the dawn beyond the night, to do the best that can be done and then to be resigned -- this is the religion of reason, the creed of science. This satisfies the brain and heart."

Roy Hunter wrote:Then, when you've got to know them a bit and their defences are down, you go all Scott the Pirate on them...

I hope you're on the recieving end of an improbability equation wherein something happens to you that's as unlikely as Rob Schneider winning a best actor Oscar on the same day Michael Jackson single handedly captures Osama Bin Laden. ~ Rainswept

O.K. Everything else is just stuff you do while you are waiting to have sex. Sin. WoE. ~ Warlord of Elephants

Roy Hunter wrote:The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is opposed to dogmatism and doctrine, but even the most lax of scholars can't help but notice a few patterns emerging from the underlying chaos that is Pastafarianism. Whilst rejecting dogmatism outright, I think it is possible to examine some of these emergent patterns without upsetting anyone enough to get the Pirates throwing rocks at you, so I intend to examine some of them. Not doctrines, not dogma: emergent patterns. If I may, I would like to describe the first pattern which emerged to me.

Truly, we are made in His image.

Arrrrgh...it would be cannon balls not rocks matey...apart from that...excellent tract.

The first pattern that emerged to me was Mirth...I literally have never stopped laughing since I found the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (I mean 'found' in a strictly non fundamental way ). Although this mirth came to a sudden but thankfully brief end when a football hit me in the crotch and Ubi Dubiums words echoed to me: The most vulnerable part of the male anatomy is hanging right out in front in harm's way; I think I am a generally happier person since being touched by his noodly appendage.

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

Chapter 11 And the Flying Spaghetti Monster called unto Pirate Mosey, and spake unto him out of the pirate ship of the crew, saying, 2 Speak unto the children of the seven seas, and say unto them, if any pirate brings an offering unto the FSM, ye shall bring your offering of spaghetti and meatballs or rum and fish head stew. 3 And he shall consume this offering and rejoice for the FSM will be pleased. 4 He shall not burn his offerings as no one could receive its goodness if it’s ashes. 5 Also, it would smell really bad. 6 Although I guess burning the rum would be pretty cool. 7 But I think it has to be over 100 proof to burn and I dunno if pirates can get their hands on good stuff like that. 8 But if he can, he should go for it, cause it would be pretty sweet and it would please me.

Chapter 21 The wisdom that if thou drink liquor before beer thou art in the clear, but beer before liquor and thou can’t be sicker shall be ignored. 2 For rum and beer art equal in mine eyes. 3 Thou shall drink them together if thou can. 4 For the boilermaker is the best way to ingest the holiness contained within alcohol. 5 He shall take his offering of rum and pour it into a shotglass. 6 And he shall pour his offering of beer into a glass. 7 And he shall drop the shotglass into the glass of beer. 8 And he shall chug his offering heartily. 9 And he shall repeat until His noodly appendage touches him so much that he can no longer withstand the Intelligent Pushing and falls to the floor.

Chapter 31 And he shall make the analogy that just as two completely different alcoholic beverages are equal, all people are equal. 2 Yes, I know it’s kind of a leap, but trust me, I’m the FSM. 3 I love all people equally, so no holy wars or gay bashing or anything like that. 4 There’s no reason for any of that.

Chapter 41 And the FSM spoke unto Pirate Mosey, saying, 2 Speak unto the children of the seven seas, saying, If a soul shall sin through ignorance against any of the 8 “I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts” of the FSM concerning things which ought not to be done, and shall do against any of them: 3 I really don’t care that much. 4 I’m all for flimsy moral standards. 5 But thou shall try to remedy thy ignorance and read them. 6 They’re actually pretty funny.

Chapter 51 And he shall try not kill anyone. 2 Even if they’re homosexual, pro-abortion, or of another religion. 3 Also, he shall try to not to do anything else real horrible like rape or armed robbery. 4 I know we don’t have any explicit rules about those carved into stone tablets, but I figure they kinda go without saying. 5 You all have brains and empathy, you don’t need a deity to enforce morality.

Chapter 61 Let ye who be without the black spot fire the first cannon. 2 I really don’t like hypocrites. 3 Hypocrites are dicks.

Chapter 71 And he shall try real hard to follow the gold doubloon rule: 2 Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. 3 This applies to everyone, not just Pastafarians. 4 Seriously, this one’s important.

Chapter 8 1 And the FSM spoke unto Pirate Mosey, saying, 2 Now I shall tell thou a parable. 3 Yeah, I know parables are more Gospel material and not for legal/ethical books, but whatever. 4 This is the parable of the Good Christian. 5 A certain Pastafarian went down from Tortuga to Isla Muerta, and fell among ninjas, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead. 6 And by chance there came down a certain pirate that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. 7 And likewise a stripper, when she was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side. 8 But a certain Christian, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, 9 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own ship, and brought him to port, and took care of him. 10 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pieces-of-eight, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.

Chapter 91 And he shall remember my divine bender in the beginning. 2 And remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. 3 And he shall keep it holy not by praising me, but enjoying himself. 4 I’m not really that conceited. 5 Plus the Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath. And he shall celebrate many other holidays like International Talk Like A Pirate Day (September 19), Darwin Day (February 12), the Feast of St John the Blasphemist, Saint of Made-up Holidays (October 1), Halloween (October 31), and Friday.

Chapter 101 And all men shall be circumcised after the age of 18, with out anesthesia. 2 Those that have been circumcised already must snip a little more off. 3 With rusty scissors. 4 Dipped in lemon juice. 5 After heating it so it’s red hot. 6 Nah, that would be a little weird. 7 I’m just screwing with you. 8 I have a sense of humor. 9 You can see this for yourself if you see my drastic attempts to change evidence to make the universe look older than it is.

Chapter 111 And he shall not follow any dogma, for that only causes problems. 2 If he feels my rules are bad, he may choose to ignore them. 3 I’m cool with that.

Chapter 121 I gave you brains, the ability to reason, and free will for a reason. 2 Please use them. 3 If I say something dumb, question it.

Chapter 131 And when he preaches the word of the FSM, he shall not be a dick. 2 He shall not got around shoving pamphlets into the hands of passerbys. 3 Nobody likes that. 4 Instead, he shall construct a signed with the phrase ‘Free Propaganda’ scrawled onto it. 5 And he shall sit quietly next to it and only preach to those who come to him. 6 Also, it would please me if he did it in full pirate regalia, for 7 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was "Arrrgh!" 8 Pirates are my chosen people and preachers should display my pirate lust.

Chapter 141 And you should not be bothered by the poor wording of this message. 2 I was kinda wingin’ it.