I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules.posted by blue_beetle (53 comments total)
16 users marked this as a favorite

For anyone that is wondering, there is no gruesome content, or really any images at all. In fact, it's a website that looks like it's still stuck in the mid-nineties.posted by blue_beetle at 7:05 AM on October 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

There are a couple of sure-fire argument stoppers that MeFites could contribute:

When someone compares you to Hitler, cock an insouciant eyebrow (or a regular one if your eyebrows aren't insouciant) and say, "Ah, you must mean Good Hitler, yes?" Then throw your drink in their face and punch 'em you-know-where.posted by Halloween Jack at 7:17 AM on October 10, 2008

Let me put it this way so to speak, the reason no one invites this guy to parties is because 1 out of 3 times his expo facto logic is too concave and 2 dimensional for the common vis a vis conversations of most non Q E D party- goers. A recent study by Dr. Alphoso McGrady shows that 9-10 party goers are just looking to relax and have a good time. They do not need a completely wasted douche bag interrupting conversations and speaking out of the parameters and guidelines of the social get-together.

Repeatedly refer to a roomful of strangers as your friends, and they'll be eating out of your hand. And don't shake hands twice - that's what spouses are for.posted by Smart Dalek at 7:25 AM on October 10, 2008 [4 favorites]

I love stuff like his, and hope one day to be able to use qua adroitly. Until then, I will always feel incomplete.posted by oxford blue at 7:30 AM on October 10, 2008

I personally recommend saying 'hmm, mutatis mutandis', in a smug voice after your opponent has made a point.posted by tawny at 8:06 AM on October 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

I used to know a guy who was very good at arguing (notice I didn't say debating). He "won" virtually every argument he had by a) raising his voice and getting visibly angry if anyone challenged him, and b) always projecting truly Herculean levels of confidence even when his arguments were factually incorrect. Most people folded after a) or b) because they didn't want to put up with any more of his shit, but if they didn't do the trick he moved on to; c) insulting the person he was arguing with. In short, the key to "winning" many arguments is to be a bully.

However, one night he picked a verbal scrap with another guy whose argumentative style was exactly the same. If we could have somehow harnessed the hot air and white-hot rage that resulted on both sides, we could have powered a small town for a few months.posted by you just lost the game at 8:11 AM on October 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

Back in the 1990s when argument was all the rage in my crowd, the Hitler defense became known as "Ultimately Hitler". If his name was referenced to support an argument against you, you were encouraged to shout ULTIMATELY HITLER! And thus you were instantly declared the winner of the argument, kind of like the other guy sinking the 8-ball in a game of pool. This actually caught on for a while but then came 911 and the rise of Dick Cheney, and now kids don't even know who Adolph Hitler was anymoreposted by philip-random at 9:03 AM on October 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

Thats preposterous. They way you win a debate is by saying "My Friends" about a million times, standing uncomfortably close to the person who asked you a question, and meandering around when your opponent is talking.

Also it helps to have a friend, a "mate" if you will, that is so comically unknowledgeable about the issues, that it makes you seem brilliant by comparison.posted by jlowen at 9:10 AM on October 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

Accuse your opponent of being a "socialist," if you are on the right.posted by jason's_planet at 9:55 AM on October 10, 2008

Accuse your opponent of being a white male, if you are on the left.

Um, is that something you can really accuse someone of being? Besides, aren't a majority of left leaning politicians still white males? Is there something Joe Biden isn't telling us? Is there something Sarah Palin isn't telling us? Did (s)he and Todd fly down to California for a gay wedding?posted by Pollomacho at 9:58 AM on October 10, 2008

I'm glad you asked that Pollomacho, but what I'd really like to talk about is...posted by blue_beetle at 10:02 AM on October 10, 2008

Well, to be fair, many of the closet racists who like to obsess about the link between certain racial origins and low intelligence do tend to love to cite vdare as their 'evidence'. And that stuff on vdare really *is* a bunch of shit.posted by PeterMcDermott at 10:20 AM on October 10, 2008

- Start joking as soon as your argument is looking weak

Now I understand why my first post is always a joke: I never had a chance.posted by rokusan at 10:31 AM on October 10, 2008

Also make pompous references to Fallacies. Don't say "You're reasoning in a circle" but "You're committing the Fallacy of Cirular Reasoning".

This was very popular here at MeFi a few years ago, but I haven't seen much of it lately. Maybe someone was called out on it in a thread that I missed?posted by springload at 10:39 AM on October 10, 2008

I was disappointed by the absense of "natch".

And while I know this is a pre-Wiki era page, they really ought to include instructions to visit Wiki's logical fallacies page and learn to negate any argument by chuckling with restrained patience and saying, "Ah, but you're making the common but forgivable mistake of using [insert fallacy here]." You don't even need to be accurate. Even if the person you're arguing with doesn't assume you're right and instead says, "Hang on, that's not Loki's Wager, because ...", you will have successfully derailed the discussion into defining the fallacy itself.posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:15 AM on October 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

Re: veal, the performer is paid based on the revenue of the venue, increased by high dollar items.posted by craven_morhead at 11:27 AM on October 10, 2008

Accuse your opponent of being a white male, if you are on the left.

I think this is covered by the race card. See Barney Frank's desperate attempt to cover his incompetent ass in the Fannie Mae Meltdown for reference.posted by mattholomew at 12:38 PM on October 10, 2008

Why does every self-appointed entertainer exhort me to try the veal? What if I don't want any goddamned veal?!

But if you tried it you'd really like it! The chef made it from his grandma's secret recipe. Can I put you down for a veal plate, then?posted by mattholomew at 12:42 PM on October 10, 2008

And I just need to say that I dearly wish there were some objective, scientific evidence to support my racist tendencies. Holding them in and pretending to be a tolerant, liberal person is really wearing on me.posted by Mental Wimp at 12:53 PM on October 10, 2008

Mental Wimp: Buy and wear an Obama shirt. Say whatever you think about other races, and people will think you're just kidding. But you're not. You might want an Obama hat, too.posted by Stylus Happenstance at 2:10 PM on October 10, 2008

“I argue very well.”

No, you don’t.

“But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy.”

You know who else reminded me of Adolf Hitler?posted by qvantamon at 2:38 PM on October 10, 2008

I am a reformed geek, so it might be telling that I read,

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru,

as

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Pern,

I thought, "Well, at least that isn't one I have heard before."

Anyway, that aside, I look forward to the day when internet debaters learn a third riposte beyond "ad hominem" and "straw man."posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:29 PM on October 10, 2008

A classic from 1998.

Actually, and I'm not kidding, I first saw this as a fax in 1989. Before people's Godwin defenses were up, I found it truly amazing how almost everyone instinctively backpedaled once you compared them to Hitler.posted by StickyCarpet at 3:42 PM on October 10, 2008

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