Affairs and betrayals are often the symptom of longer-term problems in a relationship. Betrayals come in many forms: financial secrets, threats to leave, gambling, drug or alcohol abuse, bonds with other friends or relatives. Any betrayal of trust rocks a relationship. Many couples first start to address their problems after the discovery. The majority do survive an affair and for many it is a chance to become more realistic and reach a deeper understanding.

There are two main reasons for affairs: to end your relationship, (quite rare), or to allow your relationship to continue (more usual). Often a partner looks outside the relationship to find the “missing part of the jigsaw” which allows them to function within their first relationship. Many seek lost admiration and love.

For others affairs may be a compulsion to recreate an earlier family pattern or seek excitement. Many affairs begin around the birth of the first child or during another life change. It can be an attempt to regain the pole position. Anger and loss can be temporarily absorbed with an affair with little thought of the long-term consequences.

Betrayal can be the result of being unable to deal with problems which have gradually snowballed. Some couples find it impossible to move forward and have to consider permanently ending their relationship.

Trust can be difficult to repair, especially if a partner has been let down in the past. But often, once the hurt has been acknowledged and the healing begins, a new more realistic relationship can be built. New skills and a fresh perspective can help.

Cyber affairs arising from networking sites and chat rooms are a new form of betrayal fuelled by fear of intimacy. With or without sexual contact these can leave a partner feeling betrayed. The instant accessibility can mean very rapid developments.