A Swedish artist and former erotic TV hostess named Ylva-Maria Thompson is opening the Austrian International School of Sex, where people can finally learn how to do it the right way. "Sexual positions, caressing techniques, anatomical features- these are the AISOS disciplines," says the school's dysfunctional website. "And we teach you hands on."

For only $1,860 U.S.—less than a night with an elite escort in New York City*—you can study both the theory and practice of sex in five basic courses. Ambitious students can also take intensive courses and seminars (semen-ars) to round out their basic knowledge. At the end of each class, students have to take an exam—and if they don't pass, then they must bear the shame of having flunked out of sex college, which sounds even more embarrassing than having to say you flunked out of beginners Spanish or vo-tech school.

As you might expect, a sex college such as this raises a few red flags: