Have Mustache, Will Travel

Recently, your humble correspondent was invited to write on another blog. No doubt this is a result of the overwhelming hilarity and poignancy of this blog, which all three of our loyal readers (whom we love and appreciate so much) have come to expect. And I must say, it’s high time we started getting noticed. So look out world, here we come!

It’s called the American Mustache Institute, and it is dedicated to “protecting the rights of, and fighting discrimination against, mustached Americans”. As a son of a mustached American, it’s a cause that has a special place in my heart. Actually, it’s a web site geared toward stuff that interests guys. Things like sports, music, beer, mustaches, and women. Things this perpetual bachelor knows a thing or two about (except the last one, of course).

The AMI blog also has at least thrice the readership of this blog (3 x 3 = 9), so in that sense it’s a big step up. So I guess I better be on my game, or I’ll be banished back to this crappy blog. Stupid life.

Fear not, I’ll still be posting stuff here. And I’ll always make a post here and provide a link to anything I write on AMI. So please continue to make Grubb Hub your one-stop shop for a stupid article every three weeks.

Until then, I hope you enjoy the début of the “biggrubbowski” (my blog handle) on the American Mustache Institute, a post entitled Kobe Hogs Ball, Celebs Hog Camera at 2008 NBA Finals.

Kobe Hogs Ball, Celebs Hog Camera at 2008 NBA Finals

On Tuesday night, the Boston Celtics whipped up on the Los Angeles Lakers 131-92, bringing an anticlimactic close to the much-hyped rematch some 21 years in the making.

Not even 472 shots by Kobe Bryant could prolong the series between two of the NBA’s most storied franchises which – more than any in recent memory – was chock full of history and hoopla, pomp and circumstance, peanut butter and jelly.

Oh, and one more thing…celebrities.

Jack Nicholson thinks a foul should be called and yells at the referee. Marky Mark (Mark Wahlberg for all you young whippersnappers out there) poses courtside replete with pouted lip alongside his former NKOTB’er mate Joey McIntyre (oh swoon! Yes, while Donnie Wahlberg remained in NKOTB, Marky Mark was an original member before being kicked out and starting his solo career). And Dyan Cannon makes her first appearance on primetime network television since…

…The Love Boat? Just a guess. I really don’t know.

What I do know is that the obligatory and often gratuitous shots of celebrities during major sporting events are a small but annoying symptom of our celebrity-obsessed culture. Why does it seem like every time a celebrity takes a friggin’ crap on the can, someone has to be there to cram a camera up their colon?

My question to the television directors of major sporting events is: Does your research data reveal the demographics of NBA Finals viewers to be similar to that of the E! Channel? After the game, is Nielsen showing a huge uptick in ratings for “Denise Richards: Herpes is Complicated“?

I’m glad for you if you’re a really big fan of the home team, and you just happen to star in major motion pictures or television (or did 30 years ago), and you’re not just resorting to desperate measures to get your surgically-altered, botoxed face on television one more time before the summer rerun season hits full swing.

Now shut the hell up and get off my screen. Because I don’t care about your fandom any more than the average Joe. This is the NBA Finals, LA vs. Boston, and there are more than enough ex-Celtic and Laker greats in the building to fill airtime during all the timeouts and touch fouls in the world. Even for an NBA game.

Now, I know that the 2008 NBA Finals was exponentially worse than most sporting events (other than the Super Bowl) because of the Lakers’ close proximity to Tinsel town. But let’s go down the list of major offenders anyway.

Jack Nicholson: Admittedly, this is a bad one to start with. Everyone loves Jack Nicholson. He’s obviously one of the greatest actors of all time. But unless we were born on another planet, we already know that he’s the world’s biggest Laker fan. Call me crazy, I tune into the NBA Finals to watch (hopefully) some world-class caliber basketball. If I wanted to see Mr. Nicholson’s reaction to damn near EVERY LAKER BASKET, I’d pop in my About Schmidt DVD (which is pretty funny, by the way).

Dyan Cannon: There should be a rule that says that if you haven’t been in a movie, TV show, or elementary school production of “Annie Get Your Gun” that took place in the past decade, you no longer qualify as a celebrity.

Seriously, why don’t they just show the damn hot dog vendor? What was Ms. Cannon’s last movie, Caddyshack II? I’m surprised she doesn’t have “NBA Finals, butchered-faced woman…herself” listed on her IMDB.com page.

Penny Marshall: Do you even know what a basketball is? Here’s a hint, unlike apparently everything else within reach, you’re not supposed to eat it. I know it looks kind of like a big, juicy pumpkin, but it’s not. And why aren’t you out there making Big II: The Penny Marshall Story?

David Beckham: Out of every 20 American males, you’ll undoubtedly find one that argues that “soccer is the most popular sport in the world”. Fine. That’s because most of the rest of countries in the world are too damn poor to afford things like aluminum bats or a decent helmet or shoulder pads.

The rest of us only see a bunch of fancy lads running around in circles aimlessly like ants at a picnic. You know what soccer’s greatest contribution is to this country? Wearing down 8 year-olds enough so that they’ll go to bed at night.

However, it’s great that soccer’s biggest superstar is able to appreciate a game where the score surpasses the highest scoring soccer match ever within the first 30 seconds of play. However, I still don’t want to see your stupid fuzzy face on my plasma because I can’t tell where your beard ends and your hairdo begins. And that, my friend, is a major violation ’round these parts. A pox on thee.

Hugh Hefner and ‘The Girls Next Door’: While the girls are obviously hot and stupid (is that redundant?) and we have absolutely no problem with that. However, for some reason nothing would “pleasure” me more than seeing a PA speaker fall from the rafters on Kendra Wilkinson and her annoying-ass Elmer Fudd sounding laugh.

Spike Lee: Hey, wait a minute. Aren’t you a Knicks fan?

Andy Garcia: Actually, he can do whatever he wants. As long as it isn’t Godfather IV (or for that matter, Ocean’s 14).

Kristin Davis: Star of highly successful “Skanks…and the City” series (now available in movie form!). Actually, she’s the only one of the Annoysome Foursome that doesn’t make me physically want to wretch (in addition to looking the least like a horse), so I’ll give her a pass as well. At least Kim Cattrall isn’t sitting next to her incessantly squawking tired innuendo about the significance of the “size of a man’s high tops”.

Yes, I know what you’re probably saying right now (if you actually made it this far). In some small way, by writing this post I’m probably guilty of contributing to the syndrome of celebrity worship – and therefore “feeding the beast”.

That’s fine. As long as I’m not the one feeding Penny Marshall. I’d sooner take my chances with Shamu.