Polyamory Isn’t All About F*cking: The Art of Multiple Loves

The happiest of holidays to you! A member of our community, Ed H. recently shared with me an amazing article that I think really hit the nail on the head of artfully discussing polyamory as it relates to love and sex, and I want to share it with you. How many of you have had to circumvent these questions in regards to your ethically non-monogamous / polamorous lifestyle choice?

OK, so polyamory means that you can have sex with other people. How did you get your husband (partner) to go along with that?

Wait, isn’t that cheating? And who are these other people again? Are they going to stick around or is it just a revolving door of sex partners? And “Ew” I don’t get it! That just seems wrong!

Cool! Wanna f*ck? (or some other form of hitting on me or literally grabbing my ass, yet I don’t recall giving you permission or the green light to do that. Back off, buddy!)

In many circles and so many situations, those who are not practicing polyamory think that multiple relationships is essentially mostly about multiple sex partners.

They think it’s all about the sex.

Spoiler alert! It’s NOT all about the sex or “people who just want to f*ck more than one partner”! (though the sex can be epicly, sensually awesome as a bonus if there is sexual involvement at all). The article goes on to say:

At best, [polyamory] is viewed as a confusing way to keep more than one love interest happy. Many say that it can’t be done successfully. Some say that polyamorous couples create a façade of success around their relationship—but that in reality everyone is miserable.

Those who are enthralled with poly-life tend to have an incurable capacity for expressing love, much like monogamous folk, only the practice extends beyond one person. Not that weird.

Well stated! I can tell you that I am anything but miserable. These days, I am incredibly, ecstatically happy! In love, psyched and joyous. I am indeed enthralled with my poly-life and my life in general. And it is true that I do find that I have an incurable capacity for expressing love. Some express love to their multiple children, family and friends as well as their spouse. I simply express love to multiple partners, and also my family, friends and yes my spouse too. So what’s the big deal? Polyamory feels incredibly natural and good to me. It always has since I “discovered” it so many years back.

When a longing so deep that it shatters convention makes its mark upon a heart, there is no way out but to honor it.

Polyamory is neither a science nor is it a savior. It is a conscious lifestyle choice engaged in by people who desire more. More love, more sexual expression and an expanded view of what relationships can be.

My life is deliciously mine to live how I see fit. And so is yours. In becoming a self-expert of myself and what makes me happy, I eventually realized that making the conscious choice to live a polyamorous life was the right choice for me. I long for multiple loves in my life. Thus I seek it out, openly and honestly and with my husband’s consent and cheerleading, as he seeks the same and I cheerlead him as well. Polyamory is like a dance of the heart, mind and soul – a dance that I very much enjoy engaging in.

Polyamory is an art form. It’s a desire to contribute to the lives of two or more others who also desire to contribute mindfully to yours.

It’s a mature, intelligent decision to give and receive on an equal basis. It can also be some very deep and dangerous water. But that is love.

And about the sex…?

Yes, there will be some very fine fucking, and it will be enjoyed. But it may or may not be the raison d’etre for all couples.

To me, generally speaking sex is simply a way to express love to another person. Can recreational sex be fun? And do I truly believe the statement “sex is fun and pleasure is good for you”? Absolutely! But my preferred way to engage in sex is with someone I truly love, care for and am excited to be in the arms of. I can also love someone and care for them, count them as part of my poly family, and never engage in sex with them at all! Love is such an awesome emotion that brings me joy in all its lovely forms.

The poly community is not a thoughtless experiment however. It’s free love, yes, for some. For others there are many well laid boundaries. For others still, there is a sexual satisfaction that can only be achieved within the constructs of poly-life.

But as with any kind of love, we have thankfully become open to so much more as a society, poly-love is not a freak of nature to be pointed at without tolerance or acceptance.

Polyamory is not new and it’s not going away. What is new is our attitude towards living it openly.

Indeed. For about the last four years or so, I have been “coming out” as polyamorous to my friends and family one by one, and doing my best to live as far “out of the closet” as possible. The only way polyamory will become more understood as well as more accepted is if we don’t hide our inclinations and lifestyles away behind closed doors. It’s important for those practicing to show others that polyamory is normal and natural. So what if we are the minority and we are way outnumbered by those choosing to practice monogamy. Polyamory is as the article stated, here to stay. I am loud and proud about it! And as many like to joke, I LOVE to talk about it! Us poly folk love to talk, talk, and talk some more about our poly lives! We need an outlet for our poly musings and “how do I navigate this poly situation” stuff. Monogamous folk get to be surrounded by movies, successful couples and monogamous greeting cards galore to “get the lead out” of their monogamous lifestyles. Whereas us poly folk don’t yet have that luxury – so we need to talk and hug it out with each other or anyone who will listen to us.

Humans will always push boundaries, explore; devise new ways to connect with each other emotionally and sexually. And that’s what makes us so amazing.

It’s what makes us gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, trans-sexual and straight.

When we stop being afraid of what’s across from ‘normal’ we will finally find common ground. The way I see it, love, all love, is good love.

I seriously couldn’t have said it better myself. Well done! I concur. Love, all love, is good love. I wish you and yours much love and light this holiday season. How are you celebrating the holidays with your poly family? Me? I spent last night celebrating Christmas with my husband. (OMG I got XboxOne and the Halo Master Chief Collection! YES!). And tonight I am celebrating Christmas in downtown DC with my beau. I can’t wait! How about your and yours?

Love it!!! Anyone who has every been married knows that within that conventional structure every marriage is different. The same with polyamory. And I love your statement “I can also love someone and care for them, count them as part of my poly family, and never engage in sex with them at all! Love is such an awesome emotion that brings me joy in all its lovely forms.” My husband and I live together, love each other, raise our child together, have a joint income…but don’t have sex anymore. It really bugs me when people who think that they know something about the poly life say, “Well, if your’re not having sex, you aren’t really polyamorous”. Seriously? You try it and tell me if the love and commitment to another person is diminished by not having physical intercourse.

Another great post! Hope 2016 is the best, most love filled year yet for all your readers.

December 23, 2015 at 11:30 am

sexyadventurer69

Thank you, Clarathegreat! You so rock! I whole-heartedly agree. I have had many successful relationship where the sex aspect can ebb and flow. Yet I am still just as in love and happy and committed with them as ever. Polyamory is about multiples LOVES – there may be sex, there may not! And it can be all freaking awesome and glorious! Polyamory is whatever it means to me, in whatever shape and form works for you and your loves.

Thanks for your awesome and complimentary comment! I hope 2016 brings you and yours all you ever dreamed of! Who knows, maybe we’ll get to meet in person next year! I would love that!

December 26, 2015 at 5:06 pm

Clarathegreat

Yes!!! That would be wonderful!

December 23, 2015 at 11:28 am

CARMELO GIARGIARI

GREAT ARTICLE !

December 23, 2015 at 11:31 am

sexyadventurer69

Thank you so very much! I’m so happy that you enjoyed it! Happy holidays to you and yours!
xoxo

December 27, 2015 at 1:46 pm

CARMELO GIARGIARI

I LOVED READING THE COMMENTS , I LOOK FORWARD TO HAVING ALL OF YOU AS MY FRIENDS AND INVOLVED IN YOUR GREAT LIFESTYLE , THANK YOU ALL FOR ACCEPTING ME INTO YOUR GREAT GROUP , LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING CONTACTS WITH ALL OF YOU , THANK YOU !