Seeking help - dispute with family who rents from me UP 7

Good afternoon, AITF, my friend sent me to this board for some advice regarding my mother and sister. Apologies in advance if I make English mistakes. And this might get long.

BG: I own a duplex. At the end of 2015, my then-bf moved out and my mother became my new roommate to help me afford the home. I can't quite remember if it was her idea or mine for her to move in. When I moved her in with me, her apartment was a bit of a mess and honestly she could have been evicted for the condition of the place.

Things were ok for a while, she was a good roommate, kept her mess contained to her room, we did activities together but she wasn't trying to interfere with my life. We had a good relationship.

Before this, me and my mother were never really like the 'best friends' you see some mother-daughter relationships being.

My sister, has never been in great relationships. She was living about 2.5 hours away with a man since 2014, but here and there I got an inkling that things were not going well. It began slowly with emotional abuse, which progressed to financial abuse and ultimately this August I found out it was now physical abuse. Thankfully, she left this man, but her only place to move in was also in my house.

What's relevant is that my tenants in the downstairs apartment had moved out in April and I couldn't find new tenants to take the lease. And I'd just gotten through a messy eviction with the last tenants so I felt better having a family member rent from me (I know, hindsight is 20/20). I have also been trying to sell the house to get away from landlording and have just my own place.

My sister had seven dogs before moving in. Our agreement was that she could move in on the condition that she rehome 5 and go down to having 2 dogs (and no new puppies while living in the apartment). She rehomed three but still have 4 and it doesn't seem like she's making any effort to find homes for 2 more.

FF (formula feeding or forward facing) to now. I'm 14 weeks pregnant. My BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) has been living with me approximately a year, so that makes, me, him, my mother and my sister living in the same place. When my sister moved in downstairs my mother agreed to move in with her and share her rent. She didn't seem happy about it but seemed to accept it to help my sister afford to live here.

But, she started pushing back on moving out of our unit and moving downstairs. The room she is living in is going to be the baby's room. I want her out now so that I can start painting and setting up the room before my stomach gets huge. Ever since my sister moved in, the atmosphere at home has completely changed. My mother seems to have a lot more attitude. She also seems uninterested in the baby and just blows off when I say I need the room. She minimizes what I say, makes fun of me when I talk about what I need and what I've decided etc.

Last Tuesday, I had a viewing with a prospective buyer. My agent shared that he was interested but was unimpressed with the condition of the downstairs apartment (unpacked boxes everywhere, dog smell, accumulated dog fur) and didn't look like he wanted to deal with renters who took such bad care of the place.

I had a respectful chat with my sister and shared the concerns of my agent. I asked her what was up with leaving everything in boxes. I can't remember what she said, but my sister started making a loud fuss. My mother overheard us talking, rushed out saying that I was talking behind her back, disrespecting her and denying the smell of dog and mess downstairs. She started saying the apartment was in bad condition when they got here (but I have a video walkthrough detailing the condition before my sister got here). I repeated that I needed the room, an that she needs to move her stuff downstairs. She stormed away and slammed the doors as she got back in her room. During the conversation she mentioned that they might be moving out so she didn't particularly want to unpack all the boxes.

The next day, we had a really horrible text conversation. Here's a basic translation to English:

Me: Listen Mom, I don't like fighting with you. There's nothing personal, I need to sell my house and prepare for the baby to arrive. Like you saw, we've already made purchases that waiting in the living room and that we have to put in our vehicle during visits. I understand you're looking for a new place, I would have appreciated knowing that upfront.

Honestly, can't you understand why I'm having trouble selling the house considering the state of the apartment.

I love you, but I can't lose another possible sale. I would like it if the big changes in my life weren't the cause of a fight between us.

Mom: It's not "big changes" in "YOUR" life, it's the nerve you've got preaching respect when you have no respect for me. I've had enough of being talked to like I'm a worthless idiot that you can barely stand. (FTR: I don't understand this. I don't remember an instance of disrespect and I definitely don't remember a situation that could make her feel condescended to. DARVO?)

For what is of the state of the "apartment": Bullshit. It's boxes. Not the walls that have holes in them. Not the cabinets that are disgusting and unwashed.

We are Oct 4. The guy that came yesterday couldn't know if we had just moved in this month. Your agent has a problem with the boxes? Too fucking bad. This is just another excuse for her not having sold the house rather than taking responsibility. Whatever.

As for "transparency", you're funny. Remember what you answered when I questioned your behaviour that did not match what you had said when you tried to convince your sister (and me) to take the apartment: "it's MY business, it's MY life, this belongs to me."

That game can be played both ways.

NEXT DAY

Me: I know we've got a dispute right now, but I wanted to say happy birthday, you're my mother and I love you.

In answer to your last email, I find it sucky that you take it that way. There's clearly been misunderstandings. I am asking you please to move to the apartment by Monday, as planned since August. At the moment I need to take care of myself and my baby. I think I've done a lot to help you and [sister]. And I appreciate the help you've given me as well. Now, I think we need to move to the next step.

Mom (full of typos): Don't worry yourself, I have intention to be moved before Monday. After that stop bugging me with your [swear] passive aggressiveness. You have what you've wanted for the last two years. Find another mother that would do what I've done to help a daughter. So deal with it. 6 weeks that I've been asking for an hour of your time [to move her out]. Bravo. I want a letter detailing the issues with the downstairs apartment, saying that the issues were preexisting before [Sister] arrived in the area and that we're not responsible for the holes, the missing baseboards, etc. I need that letter by monday.

Me: basically explained that I have pictures of the condition of the unit, I need actual notice if you're moving out.

Mom: repeats that she needs a letter. Demands that nobody enters the unit unless her or my sister are present, says that when they are moving, they will tell me. Mentioned that she apparently has till monday to move out of my unit, but says it could be more if we have to wait for a judgement from the Landlord and Tenant Board.

Me: I don't understand, did you open a file with the LTB?

Mom: Why not? I have had enough. I've done more than my share to help you I need to think of myself.

Me: Do what you need to do. It doesn't need to be that way for our relation. If you weren't in agreement to take the downstairs apartment you should have said so back in August, and it wouldn't have gotten to this point.

Her: Whatever.

Me; I love you, have a good day.

Her: don't say something that you don't mean.

Me; I mean it, I still love you even if we're fighting.

Her; LMAO. Understand it how you want, as usual.

Sorry for the length. My other concern is that she's mentioned before that she's able to see what everyone does on their computers, so I have to find a way to not let her see this site (I'm writing this at a friend's house.)

Comments (94)

Also, here's a couple of pictures she sent me by text after this whole long text bitchfest.

Also, I didn't mention in the OP, but in between all this happening we also crossed at the entry of the house, and as I getting ready to leave my mom gets home. She rolled her eyes, slammed the front door, and started in on me. Basically, "this is bullshit, the part about having to put the baby's cheap shit in your car, you just had to ask and I could've put them in my room." She yelled a bunch of things I honestly don't remember.

I said "are you speakable in this moment? I don't feel like speaking with you in this moment.

She got face to face with me, I could smell her breath. I was scare that would hit me.

She said the equivalent of "go fuck yourself" multiple times, got out of my face, and called me a bitch from the hallway. 2-3 times.

I said "bullshit" and got outside. She slammed her door again.

I need advice on how to deal with all this. This is worse because they're renting from me. I don't know how I'd have missed respect. They knew I was trying to sell the house since May, they knew I'm pregnant and need a room for the baby. My mom acts like it's unbelievable that I need special concessions for the fact that I'm pregnant, that lots of other women have had babies, this isn't a big deal.

Also, here's a couple of pictures she sent me by text after this whole lo...

Posted
10/07/2017

Also, here's a couple of pictures she sent me by text after this whole long text bitchfest.

Also, I didn't mention in the OP, but in between all this happening we also crossed at the entry of the house, and as I getting ready to leave my mom gets home. She rolled her eyes, slammed the front door, and started in on me. Basically, "this is bullshit, the part about having to put the baby's cheap shit in your car, you just had to ask and I could've put them in my room." She yelled a bunch of things I honestly don't remember.

I said "are you speakable in this moment? I don't feel like speaking with you in this moment.

She got face to face with me, I could smell her breath. I was scare that would hit me.

She said the equivalent of "go fuck yourself" multiple times, got out of my face, and called me a bitch from the hallway. 2-3 times.

I said "bullshit" and got outside. She slammed her door again.

I need advice on how to deal with all this. This is worse because they're renting from me. I don't know how I'd have missed respect. They knew I was trying to sell the house since May, they knew I'm pregnant and need a room for the baby. My mom acts like it's unbelievable that I need special concessions for the fact that I'm pregnant, that lots of other women have had babies, this isn't a big deal.

I don't know what rights tenants have in your area. Personally, I would give them both a move out date. Also, without a writhen agreement, you are not protected. She is already in violation of your 2 dog limit.

Congrats on your pregnancy..
Now you have another reason to protect yourself and baby from emotional garbage. Start a legal eviction of both mother and sister and sell the place. They dont respect you at all OP. They love the free ride they get. No more communicating unless you write it, or write afterwards to clarify the discussion.. papertrail.

If sister has too many dogs legally or they arent registered, report them. Anonymously. If she cared she would clean up the mess.

Your mom + sister are awfully entitled to a place they are RENTING from you, you know - the owner. I would never speak with my landlord the way they are speaking with and treating you... STOP being so mushy and lovey via text or convo when they're being nothing but assholes to you. Tell them to shape the hell up or ship out and prepare everything you will need for their official eviction notice in case they aren't actually out by "monday" like they say because Im highly doubting they will be. + I wouldn't bother arguing about them trying to open a file against you with the rental/tenant board since you have evidence that contradicts what they're saying. But you really need to stop treating them and talking to them like family and start treating them like the shitty/entitled/inappropriate renters they are.

Once they're gone and out of your home:

#1 never rent to them or do anything involving money, personal space or anything intimate with them ever again. Learn from this mistake

#2 you can consider IF you even want a relationship with them and to what capacity. Right now your only priority should be getting both of them out ASAP, getting your house sold + nursery completed!

ETA: Just read your update on the convo and her behaviour would be a HTDO for me. In your face so close you could smell her breath and were scared she would hit you? Not a good person at all... Prepare what you need to legally evict both of them NOW and give it to them ASAP, as well as I would then send a registered letter via mail stating per your previous conversation about them moving out, on x date at x time you hand delivered an eviction notice. that you expect it to be respected or else legal action will be taken. Any further damage to the property and legal action will be taken, any more violent or threatening confrontations and legal action will be taken.

Someone else can write something better but you absolutely NEED a paper trail of their threatening and confrontational behaviour towards you and a VERY CLEAR paper trail of your eviction notice being give/delivered to them so they can't cry never received it/werent notified..

Properly evict your mother.
Your sister is already violating the temporary month to month by having more than allowed pets. I would say that you give her a week to get the additional dogs out and the apartment cleaned or there will not be a renewed monthly lease next month.

You also need to make sure you are in the clear to accept rent in the first place.

Is the downstairs a legal rental registered with your housing dept?

If not you can find yourself in a huge barrel of problems if one or both decides to use that against you.

You should probably consider looking into what you need for formal eviction as well.

If your mother can freely monitor the internet, I'm assuming the Internet is in her name and she's the one with the router box.

You'll need to set up your own independent Internet and lock down it's access.

It may be a good idea to begin the formal eviction process for both of them now. Sister has breached her agreement already by having more than the agreed upon number of animals in the unit. Your mother is threatening what sounds like legal action so let her reap what she's sown.

I know it's tough to consider but there's going to be no chance for improvement in the relationship as long as things stay this way. You need to make it as clean a break as possible then step back to focus on your growing family. Maybe there is a bit of hope in the future. I'm not convinced though given the way your mother stood there screaming obscenities at you and tried to gaslight you in those messages.

Get them out, take a time out to get some space, then reevaluate the relationship later on. I strongly recommend keeping a journal of what happens and any past incidents you remember. I just went through mine from 2003 and it really opened my eyes to just how bad my family of origin really is. You might be surprised when you reflect back on those entries in the future.

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