so today, i am assuming it's around quatre cinq-six.so far food has been mediocre2 apples: 1201 RC: 25mangoes:80-------------- unofficial (it's only halfway through today) total :225

my goal is around 700, so im good. already drank a water bottle, so im gonna try for 3-4 more.

i hate how i am today, a timid and self-loathing mess of insecurity and too-fleshy legs, all morning. i felt disgusted more with my self-pity.self-pity has the ability to create a sense of disgust with myself that no other mindfuck does. but mostly, today i hate my cruelty and my abuse towards my mommy. i screamed so hard and loud that when she left my room(crying), i was shaking on my bed. and my voice is hoarse now, and guilt is permeating my entire being, but atleast that replaces the degrading thoughts that wore down on me the entire morning. the excuse for my actions is sub-par. it doesnt really "excuse" anything at all, merely explains how i exploded. i was excreting the steam through my mouth and voice and words (this was the steam that was brewing all morning, the noxious fumes that ripped through the learned barriers that i put up against my own self-sabotage).and after my secret implosion from the little time bomb, it came outward, all the empty shells and pieces of mortar that broke into the skin of everyone around me.

It's two years nowthis journal has successfully outlastedany concrete onepresumably because I forget about itforget to re read and be disgusted at my vanity and foolishnesslast night I wrote a good-bye letter to my main viceMs. Jaclyn herself, and here I am, all fussy over the fleshy protrusionsthat are diseasing what could be the perfect picture of meIt is true that the devil has work for idle hands.