About this blog

The Couch refers to the psychoanalysts classic appliance which claims minds daily . But, put a Rainbow over it, it becomes a colourful kaleidoscope of imaginative thoughtforms.So, the blog is what I think of the world and what the world thinks of me.

Entries in this blog

You and I, we have a strong bond
Like brothers, like lovers;
We disgust the world with our vain perversions,

our inane attachment with the word and the seas of heresy

part at our command revealing the shells of untruths hiding

beneath the silt of social justice.
Ecstasy beyond judgement is what we share

in the binding fallacy of corporeal pain

battling to win over the spirit.
Our ascension begins at the alter of ego.
Broken down pieces of the mirror of self-hate, we tread

upon our steps to immortality. Morality, ethics, civility, higher power

are all suspended in space as dwindling starlights, reaching us

from the outer edges of cosmos.

You and I, we have a strong bond.

Like brothers, like lovers;

We step over millions of corpses to reach the quintessential truth, the poesy of nature.

21/03/17

Paranoia

When I see you talking to others I think of it as betrayal
When I see you smiling with others I question if you are loyal
When I see you moving on with life going roundabout your business
I feel I have been left out from it all in order to hide your menace

I know the wheels are turning
I know the fires are burning out
Emotions are condensing in big chunks of ice
And soon it won't suffice to tell you that I love you,
that the earth only blooms for you,
that my breath begins & ends with you

And soon you will leave me for the others who make you smile, who kiss
you behind my back, smell your hair, bend you over to the road of infidelity
And it drives me mad, mad like a ragging bull,
Like a substance user craving his previous high
I can't stand them making you smile

All relationships are a work in progress,A building to be finished, an infinite mirrorBeneath a starry sky. A battle between belief and reality,A compromise between expectation and evolutionBetween engagement and understanding.Experience vs. EmotionBroken crumbling pieces of self mixingInto happiness and grief and regretsCreating the mortar of us. Bricks and daysAnd labours of indecisive Apollos' creatingThe walls of Troy only to be breachedBy a stupid wooden horseOf momentary weakness,Merrymaking in the filth as snakes slither inOur garden.Yet even then looking up you seeThe angelic choirs praisingThe one perfect moment of absolute happiness,One moment in eternity where you and I became Us.

The slowly dying flowers in the vase are laughing at the trees outside.

Good stories never end.They just begin a new chapter.Fragments were our destiny. Our fatedoomed the first time I saw you smile.Your eyes were filled with the moist heatof the mid summer mango grove's shadyeffervescent infrangible delight. Your movementstook shape in the delicate prowess of a mountain leopard.Your form undulating to the beats that broke downthe unyielding barrier of disaffection. And your gentle gracethat stoked the hopes of an arid wanderer.But it wasn't to last forever.We only receive fragments as our due.

When I finally held you in my arms,your pliant silhouette unresisting my fervid advances,we soared to the high heavens of unhindered pleasure. Under the influence of the myriad drugs that Ihad mixed in your drinks all evening, you keptrepeating your mantra in stilted breath."This is not happening to me." Yet it did.We had our sweet moments together.The moments I immortalized in the waiting eye of the lens.Thus our fragment shall forever be mine.My own love child, a secret to cherish and protect.Yet it pains me to see you walk away,amnesic of my passionate embrace. To seefear crowding those eyes that once heldbequest of a rest, it cuts me deep.Shattering me in the many fragments that were once you and I.

You kept telling me howI took up all the space in our relationship.How you needed to get awayTo get a way around the things in your head... Blasphemy.I believe I was still in your head.And stuck in the chambers of your heart,Your entrails shackling me to the walls of inferiority.

Understanding your grudging affectionTook up most of my daylight, yet you keptAsking for more... more space in your head.More air to breath, you sought out the nearestIsland of wasted youth. More experiences,You needed more sensations, to expoundThe theories on space in relationships.

I kept enabling you. I provided youMore space, more air, more sensations.And when I finally went bone dry,Not a tear to spare,Your rampage stopped. I felt violated.I wanted to throw up. I couldn't.I wanted to cease to exist. I couldn't.And when I looked up towards the skyBereft of all hopes of all illusions of all boundaries and burdens,I found myself attrited in the returning sunshine.

Somewhere on the other side of the rainbow, in a land far far away, there will be a tree. An old majestic tree it will be, with its red, green and purple leaves, and its ancient curved branches extending their embrace from one horizon to another, standing solemnly in an emerald valley beneath the starry night in a solitary prayer. Underneath that tree old mossy stones will hibernate while snuggling the roots that reach the deepest crevices of earth in search of the sweet moisture and warmth of the old world. Little critters will live amongst them. A single blossoming vine of unnamed untamed wild flower shall entwine the expansive trunk all the way reaching the lowest branches. Sweet fragrance of the moist earth mixed with the green perfume of the arbour will permeate the shaded ambiance. And when sudden breezes shall play through the tunnels of the foliage and crosshatching of the branches, it will sound the sonorous melody of the windpipes of Pan. And the filtered moonlight of the November Lune shall silver the dark mahogany of the bark. Together they will create an ethereal opera of sublime thrills.

Blue… blue… many shades of blueSome green mixed with some greySurprise mixed with sadnessAwe separated from jealousyA serene perfection of existence

From beneath the mirror looking up towards the heavens of the mid day skyAzure longings turning into height of disdainAnd broken hearts bleed poisonous greenPus-sy yellow disbelieving the lie of redWill you be my valentine behind the water curtain?

A solitary kiss of rainbow emotionsBurning through my skin of deceitMore blue… cyanotic lipsFeelings crushing my lungs under their weightHope drowning in desire

You said I wouldn’t like your playlistBut, my dear, I love your songsHow could I notOur choices are so similarBut every word, every tune, is like they are wrought in my tears, my heart's bloodHow songs disappearHow tears end all warsTroubles in the garden and the roses bleed loveHere lies my heart all bruised and darkHere lies my heart all silent in prayerNow & forever yours

Ok, I have stayed silent for long... for too long it seems. There has been a good number of blog posts in GA and thankfully all of them are in favour of the LGBT community of India. This was expected. GA is a safe space and a close community of great solidarity. In today's hateful cyberspace, this is a truly unique oasis of love. I am really thankful for GA. But, regarding this matter, there has been some amount of confusion and misinformation as well. I want to target those and clear the air a bit.

First of all, homosexuality is not criminalised in India. It never was. It never will be. All citizens of India are provided equal rights and protection under the constitution. There is however a law introduced by the British that talks about the legal ramifications of the so called "unnatural sexual offenses". IPC s377 is concerned with sexual intercourse which implies penile penetration (except in the case of lesbianism where there is no penetration obviously and hence the act is termed "bodily congress") in routes other than the vaginal. This is applicable for anal and oral intercourse in both homosexual and heterosexual situations. There is no mention of sexual orientation in the law. However, it is clearly understandable that this law can easily be used to incriminate people of queer identity. The same section talks about bestiality. The punishments are of various degrees from life imprisonment to 10 years in prison to 3 years in prison with or without fine. And you need medical evidence to prove the offense (as unfortunate as as this is, I, as a Doctor, was trained in this). But, most importantly although rarely used, this is the one and only law that protects male rape victims. If this section is simply writ down without amendment or insertion of another law for the matter, there will be no law against male rape in IPC. Generally the misinformed police of India use these laws as threats to extort money from queer couples in public. This and the law against public indecency are a perpetual nightmare for couples of any orientation and a regular fund raiser for the Indian police force. It is not like they get to enjoy the bribe. the money is fed into the political system and everyone gets a share. This is an open secret in the subcontinent.

Secondly, although it was majorly the religious-right-wing-extremists who were the plaintiff in SC and the defendant of the Delhi High Court ruling, their focus of contention were not religion based. Such religion based contention would have fallen face first in Indian court where the concept of secularity must rule supreme, as per the constitution. Although, there is also a matter of religious freedom, it would not have worked here. The main discussion was thus focused on public health, specifically HIV/AIDS spread due to widespread sexual immorality if s377 is writ down. In Delhi High Court that was overruled due to lack of evidence and presence of evidence of the contrary. WHO provided some significant statistics in this matter. Details of the ruling are available on public domain if you wanna read the long pdf. http://judis.nic.in/supremecourt/imgs1.aspx?filename=41070

Lastly, SC did not overrule Delhi High Court's ruling in order to define sexual morality and to uphold an unused outdated law. They only defined the power of a lower court to suggest for such writ down. And passed the ball to parliament to do the honours. Now if only the parliament passes the bill in its current session, this law can be writ down. In any case, a clear 2/3 rd majority in upper house is needed to effect the writ down.

Now, these are all technical facts. Let's see what is actually happening. The current coalition in power is somewhat similar to liberal socialists of the USA. Their main vote banks are the minorities, the Scheduled Caste, the Scheduled Tribes and Other Backward Classes. A significant proportion of these are composed of Muslims and Christians and Sikhs. So, they will not do anything to anger the religious leaders of these sects. And the religious right wing nationalist coalition, who is a strong opponent to the said coalition, is tight with these people. After all, in India the masses sway to religious fervor. They will put their vote where these leaders ask them to. This is because the general lack of education and unthinkable poverty makes them more vulnerable to God's people's council (yes just like in the middle ages). Although the current government has done much for the poor and the less fortunate, the staggering population makes it impossible to reach all. There is still much to be done. Unless the level of education is increased beyond a certain benchmark, social issues like homosexuality will never be properly understood by the masses. After all, if you are concerned about how to feed your son and daughter the next day, you can hardly be interested in what the upperclassmen of the metropolis are talking about in their comfortable drawing rooms. Still this is an issue that needs to be addressed, because globalization has hit India hard and these issues need to be discussed if India is to step into the new millennium.

India is a country of apparent contradictions. It is hard to understand things in a linear view. People in general are not completely against homosexuality; Especially in the metro cities, they are quite supportive. Homosexuality in men are more accepted than in women. Honour killings and rapes of LGBT are still a regular thing albeit under-reported. And the status of security of women are in all time low. But, that doesn't mean women are suppressed. For an upper-middle-class educated Bengali household my family is extremely supportive of my choices. I have seen the same with a number of other families. Then, there are those who appear liberal superficially but are deeply bigoted in heart. My religious Muslim friends are okay with my choices even if they are not okay with homosexuality. They see it as a personal choice and leave it there. Yet some of my Hindu associates find homosexuality abhorring and are all too vocal of their disgust, sometimes beyond the border of civility. This is weird since Hinduism has no moral code against Homosexuality while Islam does. Also there is a strong connection between history of childhood sexual abuse and homosexuality in the popular psyche.

s377 is making rounds in the media circus at the moment. The Central government (federal gov) has come out in support of the writ down. And so has a good number of politicians and ministers. However, with elections next year it is highly unlikely that a bill will be passed. Then again, Indian politics is big on minority games and if LGBT are solidified into a minority and a significant vote bank, then things will start changing really fast. Everybody wants the pink vote. Ultimately next year when the other coalition comes to power (as they most expectedly will, since the current rulers have sent the economy to dumps and the other party is considerably better at managing the economy), the prosecution of the LGBT will reach record high. Homosexuality is after all the result of western influence in Indian society, as per these bigots, therefore most ardently to be battled and the society to be purified back to its ancient glory. Trial by fire...

You can move mountains, they sayIf only you ask with loveI found it true when mySoftest touch moved your reluctance awayAnd I saw the sun riseThough before I was blindAnd its warmth pierced my heartIn million rays, in million waysI felt it burn, I cried out“Gloria in excelsis Deo”Every kiss tells a storyOurs was the beginning

This stunning poetry is a translation of a Sufi song used in the film "Tanu weds Manu" (2011) titled "Rangrez" ("The Dyer"). This is the original translation made by the composer Krsna. The actual song is in a heavily Urdu laden Hindi. While I don't agree to the translated work in all places, the original is absolutely electrifying and the song sung by the famous Wadali Brothers in their traditional Quwali Style is simply amazing.

Sufism sees the world and its maker through the lenses of Love. Everything is reminiscent of love to them. They see God as the lover and human soul the beloved and vice versa. This is a very intimate relationship bordering on madness. The Dyer mentioned here is of course God and the color of saffron is the color of sacrifice, complete and utter surrenderance. The whole soulful manner of the poetry and beautiful metaphors make it a sumptuous meal. Even if you ignore the religious fervor, it is an excellent love poem on its own.

It is necessary to see death, stark naked, lurid and wild,Death as it pisses in the dark alleyways drunk and ecstatic on the jumps of drugs that are hard to name and harder to pronounce, it is still necessary to see death face to face. In a breach of society sanctioned lucidity hardwired in our brain,It is still very necessary to see death,To see the violent vandalism of civilization,Of ashes and nuclear death of atoms and atom bombs,Billions of flashlights burning up the sky,Smell of rotten carcass evaporating in sterile perfume of laboratory engineered poisons,Gases and liquids and solid whites of the eyes of the dead and the suffering of millions upon millionsof innocence of ruthless greed of narcissist wankers.It is necessary to see death as it is, for the spring of flowers is nearly over and now we make war.

So this particular blog post is peculiar in a way, because here I am going to share something I am passionate about... actually not one but two things... Music & Poetry. Bollywood industry of the yesteryears has produced some of the most talented musicians - Singers, lyricists, composers and even directors who have indeed put those musical gems into an appropriate wrapper of cinema and actors who emoted the languish and the laughter, bringing life to the lyrics. Bollywood is wellknown to give complete entertainment and these songs truly represent that. I, in this particular post, am going to talk about two special songs that describe, what LOVE is! A seemingly simple question has created by far unseemingly huge number of answers in all of human disciplines. This may just be the poetic solution to those all.

The first song is picturized on Dev Anand(India's first truly international star) and Wahida Rahman(admittedly one the most beautiful Indian woman of all time). Singers are eponymous Lata Mangeshkar and Kishor Kumar. For the uninitiated in Indian music, these names may not ring a bell, but any Indian will most clearly tell you Lata Mangeshkar is India's true jewel in the crown after Koh-i-noor. And a musical genious like Kishor Kumar comes once every millenium, a natural tallant who is capable of keeping Lata (with her gazillion years of musical training) on tiptoe without any particular musical training to call own at all. No words can properly describe this dynamic duo that, for Indian music's good fortune, came at the same time in history. You have to listen and make your own assumptions. SD Burman, as another stalwarth of his field, is one of the greatest music directors India has ever seen. We will keep him for another day. This song from Prem Pujari shows all that I rhapsodized about.

The metaphores used are classical Indian in nature and the language heavily Urdu-laden Hindi. The poetics of these pieces far surpass my level, and I can only feel awed by such marvelous creations. Ofcourse, the english version is somewhat watered down compared to the original, yet still retains it's flavour and beauty unmixed. The question of love will, although haunt you forever, but now hopefully you will have a melody to acompany it. Hugs and Chocolates. Share your thoughts in the comment.

It is often very difficult to put into words what you feel. I am better at this with poetry. But, simple hard truths are never really my style. I like them the way I like hungry lions, caged and at a distance, preferably with a loaded gun in my hand. Yet, sometimes it becomes emphatic to tell the truth. And then it becomes hard.

For years I have worn many masks; Masks of happiness, of humour, of grandiosity, of known lies and unknown truths. But, beneath all that garbage, lies a scared boy and a vain man and a chimera of sorts, made of all the failures and loses that life puts you through. I hide my true self beneath the said masks because, I fear the naked skin underneath that is vulnerable and raw.

Right at this moment, as I am writing this, my self preservation systems are shutting down my brain and my hands are not following my command. My mind is going blank. I thought, I am capable of putting this out, putting my bleeding heart on a plate. But, clearly as always I misjudged myself. May be some other day.

Just a little info, I think I am in love with a certain someone, I am not telling whom, so don't ask. And I am afraid, terrified, petrified that if he knows, he will or will not return my feelings. But, if he does, it will end up as a failure sooner than later. And I will be alone once more and the darkness will eat me up whole. That is the subject of my recurrent nightmares, that have pushed me to the end of my sanity. I'm tired of going through the same dream of acceptance and then eventual harsh rejection or worse. It is curious to note that, my mother, who is a lovely lady and the queen of my heart, figures prominently in these dreams, and more often than not, is the source of the discordance, direct or indirectly. Even funnier still, is the fact that she always leaves me at the end of the nightmare. Abandoned by my mother and my lover, I finally drown in heretofore unknown depths of despair and languishment.

It is very unlike me to remove my masks and let my rotten carcass breath the air. But, the nightmares have become unbearable, and I want the routine to end. So, I have chosen to make this public (which is also a part of the inner fear). Hopefully, it will end here... or not.