Football chiefs unveil bold new plans

Chiefs unveiled their bold new plans for the football organization's future today at their official headquarters in Switzerland. Sepp Splatter, part-time Jabba the Hut impersonator and full time politician, announced to an astonished media that plans were afoot to create a Fifa Legends team composed exclusively of dictators.

'Our scientists here in Switzerland are very… creative', replied Mr. Splatter to a question on the reanimation of deceased hard men from around the world.

A provisonal line-up would see Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hilter marshall the left and right wings respectively with Franco playing a holding role in the centre. 'Franco wasn't a champagne player like Best or Zico but he did a job and those in the know appreciate his value to the team', added Splatter. 'Adolf, or A7, was an artisan with a canvas but he has the skills to be an artist on the pitch'.

It is hoped that this union of dictators from across the left-right divide will demonstrate the principles of the Give Racism the Red Card intiative in action.

Rumours in the media show that there are concerns over placing Ponochet in goals as he often travels outside his area and that causes problems while the fitness of Idi Amin will be evaluated though he is widely tipped to be captain.

I wanted to take advantage of being in the heart of football so I explored it. Two thirds of the building is underground and, according to Sepp Splatter, this is because 'the light should come from the people themselves who are assembled there'* and he dismissed claims from this journalist that money that had been set aside for electricity and heating had in actual fact been used for what some have called a 'prostitute world cup'. This journalist asked why not pay the utility bills and finance the sexy soccer escapades with bribes from the Qatar World Cup bid but Mr. Splatter's office clarified that the Qatar money had been better used sponsoring a prostitute Europan championship and a prostitute confederations cup. All three events took place here in Zurich.

'So what if anyone objects to this Legends Team, Mr. Splatter?' another journalist asked.

The Swiss banker walked away muttering, 'I couldn't give a toss' while laughing maniacally against the dramatic back drop of a thunder storm that suddenly appeared on what had been a reasonably fine day in Zurich.

*He actually said this

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