9. apology to Luke

Right now there is an awkward and tense silence between me and Luke. It's been twelve days since we last talked, and It was slowly killing me. Calum has been spending every second of every hour of every day with me since the fight. He refuses to leave my side because he thinks I will try to cut again. And he's right. But now, I do it in the middle of the night, when everybody is asleep.

Luke was staring at me, looking as if he were going to cry. It dawned on me yesterday that I was the cause of this fight. When I told him to get out, it hurt his feelings more than already. He was begging me to forgive him, but I didn't. But he didn't know until that day that I cut.

He still doesn't know about me being anorexic. It kills me just thinking about how he would react if I ever told. I really don't want him to know yet.

I looked up at Luke and gave a small smile. A tear fell down his cheek and I had to hold myself back with every bit of strength I have. I wanted so badly to run over and wipe away his tears, kiss him and tell him that everything will be okay. Tell him that I love him. Cuddle him to sleep.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. He looked up at me in shock and surprise at the fact that I actually talked to him. "It's my fault that we're in this fight. I hope you'll forgive me." I said.

"No, it's not you're fault. I shouldn't have called you stupid. Ashton, you're beautiful and perfect and don't ever think otherwise, okay?" He said. He came and sat next to me as I began to cry. "I forgive you for the way you reacted because I reacted wrong as well. We're all imperfect, but you're perfect in my eyes, okay?"

I shook my head at him. "Luke?" I whispered. His eyes became curious as they stared into mine. "Can I tell you something?" I asked, worriedly.

"Anything." He replied.

"You have to promise not to tell the other boys, or anyone else, okay?" I said. He nodded.

"I promise."

"Luke, I'm anorexic." I whispered. I waited for him to start yelling at me and call me crazy. But it never came.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug. "Oh, Ashton. It's going to be okay." I hugged him back as he spoke. "I love you so much, Ashton, That it hurts."

"Then stop loving me." I said.

Luke pulled back from me and stared at me in shock. His mouth was agape, and his eyes quickly became wide as he realised what I had just said.

"I can't." He whispered. I looked at my lap as a tear slipped onto my cheek and onto my thigh.

"Why not?" I asked, scared to look up, but I did anyway. Luke stared at me like I was stupid, which hurt my feelings more.