Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Photo Challenge: Day 18

"A picture of your biggest insecurity."

In this photo (taken in 2007), I weighed more than I did during my 9th month of pregnancy. I was uncomfortable in my clothes and miserable in my own skin.

When Jerry left for deployment in 2008, I was determined to lose weight for the sake of fertility. I read book after book that said the first step to good fertility is diet and a healthy weight. And I took the challenge seriously and lost over 30 pounds.

I was eager to show it off when Jerry got home. But my plan worked too well, and I became immediately pregnant with Winston. And put on all the weight I'd lost. I got out of the hospital after giving birth and would stand in front of the mirror and sob.

So as soon as the doctor said I was well enough, I started exercising and lost all my Winston weight. I got back into my old jeans. And I got pregnant again.

My biggest insecurity is that I will look like this forever. Which is ridiculous, because I haven't looked anything like this since I lost 30 pounds the first time. My face is thinner, my legs are more toned, my shape is smaller. Even at 9 months pregnant I looked like I was healthier than I was in this picture. And I know it's true. This pregnancy, I'm obsessed with my weight. I am determined to keep moving and cut out junk and only gain what I am supposed to. It's hard work already, and it still makes me hurt to watch the numbers on the scale increase. I don't need the lecture about weight gain being healthy during pregnancy. I know that. I eat more. I eat better. But it doesn't make watching the scale any easier when my weight moves away from the magical number I worked so hard to get to!

3 comments:

Congrats to you that you took your baby weight back off though! I am still working on it! I can not believe how hard it is...I am still plus 23 lbs...and it seems like it just won't budge. I need to commit more and it would probably happen but it is hard when you have a husband who wants to eat things that I probably shouldn't eat. ugghh. The ever lasting battle! Best of luck to you! My weight is the scariest thing about becoming pregnant again...I am so afraid I will more and more will be left and I will be even heavier and more uncomfortable!

And yes, she's right. You eventually do stop spawning and regain your body. The fourth one took 15 months for me to get possession of my person back, and I'm slowly dropping the girth and fitting into pre-baby clothes more and more often.