October 15, 2012

please don't pray for me

to say i have had a rough few weeks would be an understatement. i understand that those around me have had it even rougher and i am not for a second suggesting a giant pity party. but neither am i suggesting that any of this was for even a second part of some grand plan that i am too simple to understand. i understand that there are things in this world that we can't comprehend yet but it is not because there is an invisible imaginary personified deity pulling all the puppet strings who soothes me when i cry and answers my needs.
am i bitter? yes. for right now i am. i am usually more of a "to each his own" kind of person but right now i am angry. i am angry that i am watching people i love follow blindly, sweep things under the rug, give thanks to god for things that they should be grateful to family and friends for, ignore people who are hurting because god has a plan for them and they don't need to worry about those who disagree with them. hmm. judging by that doozy of a run on sentence it seems i am really in vent mode.
there are two distinct reasons. first is because of a funeral i went to. and yes i am mad that someone i loved died. but i don't blame god. i blame people. and for right or for wrong i blame specific people. i blame them for what happened when he was young. i blame them for how they treated him as he was older. but i also blame them for not respecting the person that he was. he was an atheist. and the memorial service was a full out church service. is the service meant for the living? to comfort those who remain? sure. but it should reflect the person you are celebrating. and when i brought this up i was told that "no one knows what he was thinking in his last hours and we should assume that he came back to god" no. we shouldn't. why should we? when i die will you assume that i found god? don't. don't say goodbye to me with prayers and religion. if praying makes you feel better than please do but not for me. for you. religion seems to me more and more selfish.
i am not an atheist because i don't know better. i am not an atheist because i am lacking something. don't nod and smirk and pretend that you know something i don't because you stopped looking. you filled all of your questions with "because he has a plan for us." it is lazy. it is simple and it is frustrating.
second i am sad at the loss of a friend. this happened when i came home. and while i appreciate that prayers help some feel better. they don't help me. i see no purpose. and i get comfort out of my relationships with friends and family. only my friend, my best friend, was so wrapped up in playing pretend family with a stuffed moose and praising god for his new love life that he couldn't be bothered to simply ask if i was ok. a stuffed moose.
and his family keeps saying that god is so good for giving them to each other. it wasn't god. it was his simplistic obsessive mind making a fictionalized version of a crush. it was the simple logistics of families living near each other.
i am tired of hiding what i say or post or think because i might lose a friend. i see post after post of praise for god and i just let them be. believe what you will. but anything i post is argumentative and a slap at someone's belief. how? how is that true?
christians are no being persecuted in this country but don't dare disagree with them. please. believe what you want. celebrate your faith however you see fit but stay out of my life. i am not broken. i do not believe what you do. that is all. i will not find it later because i choose science and logic and reason. that means that i will continue to question and learn and grow. i did not settle for answers that started and myths to comfort those who were frightened by mysteries.
so yes. today i am angry and bitter. because their god took away my ability to say goodbye to my cousing. and because i don't believe, my best friend is no longer my best friend.
i find that while religion professes love it is very selective about who it loves unconditionally.