The Importance of Teaching
Children Self Control

By Reb Bradley

With the Columbine massacre
awakening out nation to new depths of depravity, many wonder about the
cause of our society’s condition. They ask, “Why is our society so out of
control?”

The answer is actually very
simple. Societies do not get out of control – the individuals in them do.
The individuals who contribute to America’s present moral decadence are
lacking what the Bible presents as the key ingredient of maturity –
self-control. Any society which is out of control is obviously
comprised of people who lack self-control. We as a nation have
moral problems today, because our members do not have the ability to
adequately restrain themselves. The bottom line is that our adult society
did not learn self control as children.

How much better off is that
home or society in which the members are self restrained! A child who
learns self-control does not habitually hit his brothers and sisters when
he wants his way, and does not grow up to lie, cheat, steal, murder, or
violate his wedding vows. He may feel like sassing his parents, his
Sunday School teachers, or his boss, but he is able to control himself-and
speak with respect. He may feel like making an obscene gesture at
the driver who cut him off, but he is able to restrain himself-and not
escalate a conflict. He may feel like shooting his classmates, but
he is able to not do it. He has passions and all natural drives, but he
isn’t ruled by them. Because his passions are not calling the shots in his
life, he has discretion and is free to make wise decisions. Because his
craving for pleasure does not rule him, he is faithful and reliable in
duties. Because he is not a slave to self-gratification, he has little to
cover up with lies.

As parents we have our children
at home during the most influential years of their lives, and we are the
ones with the opportunity to do the training. We must stop elevating “self-expression”
and “self-actualization” and seek to teach our children
self-denial. Life does not give us everything we want, so we must
teach our children early that they cannot have everything they want. One
day their boss won’t view them as the center of the universe, so we must
be careful now of accidentally sending them the message that the world
revolves around them. Our country may be a democracy, but few employers
will offer them a vote. Therefore, we must teach them to submit to
authority while they are young.

Self-control is learned in
small children by having to say “no” to themselves and “yes” to their
parents. We therefore, must offer our children especially strong
leadership for the first few years of their life, giving them little say
in the decisions we make for them. They must not be included as a part of
the “parental leadership team,” not only because they must learn the
self-denial which comes from following parental leadership, but because
psychologically, their small shoulders can’t handle the stress of running
the home. Children, once relieved of such duties, ultimately become secure
and happy.

The bottom line is that
children gain inner controls by having to submit to outer
controls. If parents establish firm behavioral boundaries for their
toddlers, never offer a reason why they should obey, and limit
their personal choices, by the time these children are 4 years old they
will have learned self-denial and be well on the path to self-control. A
self-governed 4 year old has accepted his parents’ authority to be
parents, and is in the optimum mindset to begin hearing the wise reasons
behind Mommy and Daddy’s directives. If we offer our children reasons to
obey before they have learned to obey without them, they will not learn
the self-denial which is the very foundation for self-control. A child
who has learned self-denial is one who knows he can survive quite well
without getting his way. He has learned that his happiness need not depend
on getting what he wants in life.

Adapted from “What’s Happened
to America?”

If you realize that you have
not yet trained your children to be self controlled, you will want the
help you can receive from Reb’s tape set “Biblical Insights Into
Parenting” and from his book “Child Training Tips: What I wish I knew when
my children were young.”