an almost daily updated ramblings of a "Not really Sane, Not Really Sorry" Wisconsin Entertainer

HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN:

HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN - city of big bottoms and small minds.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Enjoy The Sunshine -- It Won't Last!

I am just back from enjoying a very sunny, warm afternoon at the UWEC Blugold football game. After losing a disappointing but close game to Whitewater (rated #1 in the country in our division) last Saturday in the rain, this was a wholly enjoyable turn around as the Blugolds trounced the "Flying Dutchmen" of Holland, Michigan 28 -6.

The highlight of the game was a 92 yard run from scrimmage by EC halfback Corey Sartorelli of Appleton, Wisconsin. I had the pleasure of sitting in the row right in front of his mom.

This was my one week of work! Thursday night I entertained WAHA (Wisconsin Association of Housing Authority) -- the show went really well but I was disappointed to find that the "lady with the checkbook" had flown the coop so it became the old saw of "the check is in the mail". -- and we all know what the other famous last words that go along with that one are!

Last night, despite an onset of the fibromyalgia, I worked at Sammy's Pizza with a three piece consisting of Denny Marion (playing everything with strings and singing as well), my regular drummer and new daddy, Dave Barneson on drums, and Too Tall Tim Keilholtz on bass and vocals.

I ain't gonna lie -- my ass was draggin' big time by the middle of the third set!

This evening I have an early gig and the kind I love the best -- I am doing an opening act for a country show in Menomonie at 6:15PM -- fifteen minutes for three hundred dollars! Thank you, Lord!

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Here are some interesting tidbits sent to me by e mail:

From my good friend Alice Hampton:

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?¢'About 32,' is the reply.''Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't,' she says. 'I was in line behind you at McDonalds!'

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All the way from Italy via Matthew Capell:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><> My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><> Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><> Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

<><> I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><> I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

<><> We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

<><> By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

<><>And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

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Let's see ..just what are the differences between the candidates.....???????

I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight.....

If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're

"exotic, different."

Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, a quintessential American

story.

If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.

Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a maverick.

Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.

Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well

grounded.

If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the

first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter

registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as

a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator

representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of

the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years

in the United States Senate representing a> state of 13 million people

while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on

the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's

Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.

If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city

council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people,

20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then

you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking

executive.

If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising

2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a

real Christian. If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your

disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a

Christian.

If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including

the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no

other option in sex education in your state's school system while your

unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant , you're very responsible.

If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a

prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city

community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values

don't represent America's.

If you're husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with atleast one DWI

conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until

Thoughts to Ponder

* Men have 2 emotions: hungry, horny. If you see a gleam in his eye . . make him a sandwich.

* Give a person a fish, you feed them for a day. teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe even years.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

* Take a lesson from the weather; it pays no attention to criticism.

* In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

* Life is like a jar of jalepeno peppers: what you do today may burn your ass tomorrow.

And finally . . .

* Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

Heckler Smack-down:

I was working a club in Mount Prospect, Illinois, and had just finished singing "The Vasectomy Song". As the applause subsided, a black man seated right in front of the stage said: "Hey, man . . . do you want to see my scars?"

"Well," I replied, "we wouldn't want to spoil the Black Myth, now would we?"

my favorite person

This week, my favorite person is Kurt Weber, a former student, and always a close friend.

Today's Quote:

Therapy is expensive . . .

Poppin' bubble wrap is cheap.

You choose.

Teabaggers in Action

Words of Wisdom

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. - Martin Luther King, Jr.