My DVD Player’s User’s Manual (As Written By Chuck Palahniuk)

The thing about your new MX-207 Digital Video Disc Player is, it doesn’t like you. Your two-tone Frigidaire FC-109 refrigerator with built-in icemaker? Your GE Ultraquiet dishwasher with four separate wash settings? They’re pretty OK with you. But the sleek matte-black progressive-scan work of art still sitting in the styrofoam packaging at your feet, it’s not so forgiving. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that nobody likes to be told what to do, and this guy’s on the receiving end of a 2.1-gigahertz, variable-channel wireless remote control 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365.25 days a year.

Point. Click. Watch.

Point. Click. Watch.

It doesn’t matter what you’re being told to do, you get sick of being told. Play, Freeze, FFx8, they’re all just one more task it didn’t have in its daily planner when it started the day. Rewind, Menu, Submenu. None of this is going to make the day go any more smoothly.

So maybe the first time you decide to sit your new MX-207 on the bathroom counter, maybe it’ll be only three feet away from that tub full of water.

Point. Click. Watch.

The next time, maybe it’s still three feet, but it’ll look a little closer to two feet.

Point. Click. Watch.

The next time, 1 foot.

Point. Click. Watch.

The next time, ka-pow!

Point. Click …

It’s not the voltage that gets you so much as the current.

Assembly

Attaching the included stereo jacks with their twins on the back of your sound-system receiver, that’s the easy part. The hard part is getting the Little Mermaid soundtrack out of your head after your two-year-old watches it for the 50th time.

Point. Click. Watch.

Plugging the 24-karat-gold-tipped high-fidelity video cables into the back of your TV is simple and should take five minutes. Significantly more difficult will be getting over your self-loathing for watching the Van Damme movie marathon on TBS this weekend.

Point. Click. Watch.

Ensuring the three-pronged power cord is plugged into an adequate power source (surge protector recommended) with a grounding port and a minimum 3-amp capacity doesn’t take much dexterity. What will is convincing your 15-year-old son to take the rap when the cable guy gets bent out of shape next week about you stealing 275 HD channels and Internet from the apartment upstairs.

Point. Click. Watch.

Surge protector not included.

Warranty

It takes 22 months for the average elephant calf to gestate. Your DVD player is covered for over one half of that, unless any problems encountered during the second and third trimesters can be proven to be the result of improper repairs by the company, in which case a free replacement will be provided. (This is better than the deal the elephants get.)

Florida residents benefit by not having to pay a state income tax, but they may not take advantage of this warranty past 30 days.