The holidays are coming, or as people in the tech industry like say ‘seasonality‘ is approaching. During this time of year most of us will face a series of negotiations and decisions with people across our professional and personal lives. Conversations will unfold with co-workers and loved ones as we work to sync calendars, discuss budgets for spending, solidify holiday plans, and account for the differing needs of others during the busiest time of year. When differences of opinions arise, the urge to ‘be right’ is an irresistible response that heightens our emotions and can fuel conflict with others. (To every family member of mine reading this bear with me as I illuminate the small yet significant insights you’ve inspired over the years. Thank you for being my experimental group! Signed, Dr. Know-It-All.)

‘Assuming positive intent‘ can help us move past our need to ‘be right’ and ‘win the debate’ and instead, cultivate a conversation where both parties are invested in finding effective solutions. While the following tips won’t necessarily ‘feel right’ or reinforce your hard-won identity as a debate champion, it will help you avoid the emotional drain of gridlocking with others committed to their point of view.

How to ‘assume positive intent’

The act of trying something new with a lightness of heart can be referred to as a ‘lark’. How to assume positive intent when conflict arises with others using my L.A.R.K. approach:

Listen for their story. When we hear an opinion from someone that contradicts our understanding of a situation, we tend to stop listening because we become preoccupied with changing their mind until they agree with us. When we stop listening, we not only signal to the other person we aren’t interested in understanding them, we literally cut ourselves off from hearing critical information that could help lead to a mutually agreeable solution.

Acknowledge their point of view. Our tendency is to jump to conclusions when someone does something differently than we would, and assume the worst. Because humans are hardwired to perceive threat in instances of conflict, we focus on finding ulterior motives in those who disagree with us. Make a genuine effort to understand the premise of their opinion based on the information they have, and acknowledge their right to see things differently than you do.

Respect their difference. When we assume another person is misinformed, wrong or has malicious intentions, our tone of voice and non-verbal micro-expressions can turn negative. This can be read by others as an unwillingness to respect differences of opinion. Guard against communicating unintentional disrespect by modeling the response you would like to receive from others when it’s your turn to share your opinion.

Kindness cultivates generosity. Now when you feel yourself gunning to ‘prove your rightness’, take a step back and remember that when you preoccupy yourself with changing someone’s mind, you are reducing the likelihood of them responding with generosity, and increasing the likelihood of them responding with animosity when it’s time to generate possible solutions. Your job is to listen, acknowledge, respect, and convey kindness before moving on to explore possible solutions that could be mutually agreed upon.

My father was an absolutely wonderful human being. From him I learned to always assume positive intent. Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different. When you assume negative intent, you’re angry. If you take away that anger and assume positive intent, you will be amazed. Your emotional quotient goes up because you are no longer almost random in your response. You don’t get defensive. You don’t scream. You are trying to understand and listen because at your basic core you are saying, “Maybe they are saying something to me that I’m not hearing.” So “assume positive intent” has been a huge piece of advice for me.

Recognizing a different opinion doesn’t mean you are admitting fault, that your point of view is inferior, or that your opinion should have less value than others. Rather, assuming positive intent gives the other person the benefit of the doubt in order to set the best possible tone for generating solutions. It doesn’t mean you agree with their opinion, but it does allow you to see with more clarity where bridges could exist.

So when your co-founder, team mate or significant other holds an opinion that is entirely different than yours, aim to identify their operating system before trying to change it!

Give yourself the command “Tools > Clear History” to rid your mind of cutter that obstructs your ability to listen with less judgement. While we may never truly ‘know’ another person’s underlying motivation behind their point of view, we can aim to convey a willingness to respect their difference. Our mutual bandwidth for problem-solving is increased when we assume positive intent, so all parties gain more data points to generate viable solutions.

These days, people are increasingly using executive coaching for the purpose of ‘figuring out what to do with my life’ (and ideally still be able to afford living in the Bay Area!) From high-ranking executives at globally successful companies, to startup founders who’ve sold their company and are now free to roam, to Bay Area transplants who’ve grown disenchanted with the tech scene- all have entered my practice ready to decode their personal truth, find their greater purpose, and build a personally meaningful roadmap toward their version of success.

“A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be.” Albert Einstein

Our personal truth serves as our unique roadmap, helping us navigate toward a future created with purpose. Every day we make choices that steer us on our personal path- our inner beliefs, preferences, sense of right and wrong all come together to drive the direction we take in life. In his book Unapologetically You, behavioral science academic and author Steve Maraboli advises us of the importance of this position: “Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.”

But what if we aren’t sure of what we are meant to do, and our greater purpose seems unclear? How do we ‘know’ what’s right for us?

DisenchantmentA new Netflix toon with a title that captures the sentiment of many.

How can we be sure of ‘what’s best’ when we make choices for our future? Some people feel a deep sense of conviction about their life’s purpose- “I was born to make music. I was born to build. I was born to heal.” Other people don’t feel this depth of clarity, and take aim for their future by solving tangible problems first- they develop a range of practices, skills and resources to prevent commonly avoided hardships like sickness, injury, poverty, social isolation. Others feel satisfied knowing they’ve contributed to offsetting the needs of their family, community, or are embodying their religious tenets faithfully. Even with recognizable success, some people may still wonder if they they’ve adequately challenged themselves to fulfill their personal destiny or greater purpose in life. How can we ‘know’ if we’ve made the right choices for ourselves? At some point, a person’s experience of happiness and purpose comes back to personal taste, or preference for achievement.

Cultural expectations, opinions of people we admire, and social influences related to the times further shape our notions of what an ideal, purpose-driven, meaningful life looks like. How have outside influences shaped your assumptions about what you should do with your life? Without awareness of what’s driving your thoughts, feelings and behaviors it’s easy to get stuck in the habit of chasing goals without fully understanding if it’s personally important to do so. We can distract ourselves by measuring outcomes in size, volume, impact, or accumulation as a marker to indicate the degree of our success. We may even learn to rely on these outcomes to tell us how satisfied we should feel.

Three Exercises for discovering personal truth- how do you ‘know’ yourself?

Cognitive psychology is the scientific study of the mind as an information processor- cognitive psychologists seek to understand human perception- the process of how we experience our emotions, how we develop mental representations, and derive genuine fulfillment from our experiences.

Bring to mind some of your favorite moments in your past. When you think about places, recreations, or experiences that you enjoy for the sake of the pleasure they gives you- try to uncover the why behind the attraction, or the feeling they’ve given you. Identify your preferences in the following areas, simply based on your experience of them: how do you ‘know’ you like them?

3. Imagine moving to a society where areas of achievement, compensation for work and the social status of various roles were completely different than what we know them to be now.

Can you imagine choosing a role/occupation (a collection of responsibilities and activities) without knowing how this society thought of it?

What would you be doing? (Starting an original project? Building a team after evaluating competencies in people? Leading growth?)

How much of your attraction to these elements are because you’re familiar and/or been successful in doing these things in the past?

If you found out there was one additional responsibility within this role/occupation that you were apprehensive to take on, what would that be?

These exercises are meant to help you uncover and tap into your personal truth, creating a guiding force for making choices in the big picture of your life path. Be patient with yourself, track the evolution of your thoughts, feelings and insights throughout the process. You’re on your way to ‘knowing’ yourself better than ever before.

For many of us, 2017 was an exhausting year fraught with political change, devastating natural catastrophes and economic strain. But Silicon Valley never stops evolving, fueled by talented people driven to create positive change and effective solutions. I’ve had the pleasure of coaching some of the Bay Area’s fastest rising founders, tech leaders and startup teams as they turned their ideas into reality, started companies that attracted clients with the biggest and hottest names in tech, joined executive teams that launched transformational products, and challenged themselves to take professional risks in new high level roles. Engaging in coaching helped them sustain motivation and gain clarity through periods of doubt, burn out, and high stakes decision making.

Their pathways to achievement in the startup space are not meant to remain hidden and unaccessible to others who are just beginning their journey. My goal as an executive leadership coach is to share honest lessons from their pivotal experiences so that others can find encouragement and make progress with aplomb.

You don’t have to do things the way they’ve always been done (or the way others have done things for that matter) to “make it”. For every newly minted ivy league graduate gunning for entrepreneurial success in the startup community, there are countless others who have leveraged their humble education or work experiences with immensely profitable gains. Not having a degree is no longer a reason to believe you can’t create opportunities to learn and achieve in your chosen field.

Fear and doubt are emotions not behaviors. Use mindfulness to manage your thoughts, which have a direct impact on your emotions. You can’t rely on waiting for your emotions to ‘be ready’ to start taking on new challenges. Set yourself up for success by using ‘SMARTgoals’, a behavioral timeline that is realistic and achievable, at a pace that allows small but measurable progress.

Take your own short cuts. Use what’s available rather than re-inventing the wheel. Our time and energy are better spent creating impact in unique ways than in rebuilding something that’s now available off the shelf. Open-source, high engagement educational tools and projects, third-party design tools, and strategic outsourcing are ways to focus more of your time on leveraging your core competencies.

Listen to your gut. What are you truly curious and passionate about doing? Find a space to explore and track these thoughts, talk about them with trusted others or engage in coaching to gain clarity around what you want to build towards in this phase of your life, and how to set yourself up to achieve your biggest goals.

Grow at your own pace. While many people would love to have the problem of achieving rapid success, growing pains that strain one’s functional capacity can feel like a dam threatening to burst. What’s at risk if you lose control of your growth pace? It’s not necessary to convince yourself you ‘have’ to accept all the big opportunities that come your way. Helping founders decide how and when to aggressively prioritize growth opportunities has revealed to me the critical value of pacing growth in the big picture of one’s success map.

Use losses and transitions as a chance to re-evaluate and re-direct your personal vision of success. The tech industry has the lowest average employee tenure, creating a cutthroat climate for those in the game. Employment transitions and lost opportunities can feel overwhelming, especially for those whose work identity is a grounding anchor in their self-esteem. It’s normal to feel uncertain about what to pursue next, especially if it opens up other major decisions like where to live, and what relationships should be prioritized in the grand scheme of one’s life. Borrow Salesforce‘s ubiquitous alignment tool, the V2MOM. Creating a personal V2MOM is one way I have helped clients formulate next steps according to their vision, values, methods, obstacles and measures. It can help to do this exercise with an objective person you trust, or anyone without personal stakes in your decision-making.

Pay attention to how far you’ve come, it’s further than you realize! One of the most fulfilling parts of being a leadership coach is taking inventory with my clients of how much they’ve learned and grown by tracking their measurable progress. As a lifelong skier, I’ve always enjoyed taking that moment to pause and look back at the steep, icy, once intimidating run I just came down. It’s so important to acknowledge where you started!

Surround yourself with people who want to see you win. Well cultivated friendships and supportive social networks are irrefutably one of the healthiest, most rewarding things we can instill in our lives. Making friends in adulthood can be intimidating, don’t hesitate to review some surefire tactics for building social equity into your current phase of life.

Most accounts of modern dating describe finding lasting love as more elusive than ever. Thanks to mobile dating apps, dating has evolved into a finger-swiping game of ‘matching’ with people whose real intention for long-term dating is nearly impossible to determine. Being an executive and dating coach in the San Francisco Bay Area has given me a front row seat to this phenomenon with an inside view of the good, the bad and the ugly. The highly competitive tech scene here is also known for having an awkward dating culture where both men and women can develop some dumb habits that thwart their long term relationship goals. I feel it’s my duty to share them publicly, air out the gender themes I see, and hopefully shed some light on the issue so more people are successful in their dating endeavors.

My clients are bright, healthy, charismatic people who bemoan their dating struggles as real a ‘pain point’ in their life. In my last article on learned optimism, I outlined the rationale for viewing problems through a positive, solution-focused lens, and how to hold yourself accountable for your role in a problem. When a client tells me “I’d like to meet someone and settle down into a long-term relationship but I’m having a tough time finding them.” I’ll ask “What strategies are you using to meet eligible people? Tell me, what are you currently doing to build a long-term relationship with someone?” This is when the storyline starts to reveal dating habits that can be major roadblocks to developing a lasting romantic relationship.

Dumb dating habit #1: Going on a never-ending cycle of first dates, waiting for that ‘love at first sight’ feeling to signal when it’s time to finally pursue someone for a long term relationship.

First impressions are often not a good predictor of who’ll be a good fit for a long term relationship. In my observation, guys need to take initiative and figure out how to emotionally invest in the process of dating if they want a long term relationship. A lot of men are stuck in a conundrum when they’re looking for a girlfriend- they feel safer with more options, but more options leads to low emotional investment, which leads to a sense of emptiness, which they fill with more creating more options. It’s a vicious circle! Men, start by figuring out what you need to do to care more about the person you’re meeting for a date.

Males are commonly raised to avoid vulnerable emotions, and learn to keep a safe distance from their feelings, especially in matters of the heart. As a result, they can miss out on developing emotional intimacy with someone because they fail to take an active role in building it. In movies, men are portrayed as reluctant participants in intimacy – cinematic stereotypes such as the manic pixie dream girl archetype evolved in order to protect masculine identity in the face of falling in love.

REBOOT: If you don’t work to get inside your feelings and figure out how to genuinely invest in caring about the person sitting across from you, these feelings will not mysteriously emerge on their own. I know you believe you just haven’t met someone who’s attractive enough, smart/accomplished enough, humble and supportive and interested in YOU enough. If this storyline is sounding a lot like you, it’s time to see it for what it is – you’ve got to rise to the occasion and take initiative. Make a real effort to be curious, listen, absorb and relate. Look at it from an economic perspective- wise investments of all kinds pay off big!

Dumb dating habit #2: You’re using dating as a way to compete with your friends- in this game the last one to get off the single train wins.

You’re struggling with choosing someone because you’re too busy rounding out your dating options for more bragging rights with your friends. A proud 20-something year old guy once told me that he and his male roommates had a world map in their house with colored pushpins in it to represent the countries of origin of women they’d each slept with. Why? Because it made them look cool to all their friends, duh! But do you really want to be the last one who still cares about playing this game? It’s like you’re that last guy in your middle school friend group who still cares about who has the most/best Pokémon cards.

Dude at some point, it’s not that crucial anymore! Eventually, most guys want to be with someone that will stand by them when life gets hard, someone to enjoy private moments with, who will honestly be there for them through the thick and thin of their life. Meanwhile, do you want to still be scrolling through your phone contacts looking for someone who actually cares about what happens to you? (besides your family! Not your ex either, she’s probably happily married now with a baby on the way.)

Dumb dating habit # 3: Not noticing when your mind magically fills in the blanks in someone’s potential instead of accepting the current reality as it stands. The problem with this is that your brain gets caught in a vicious cycle of unrealistic expectations. This can lead to feeling mad and resentful when the person falls short of your version of them.

Sometimes women can get ahead of themselves while dating, and lose track of the difference between what is reality and what is wishful thinking. This happens when they fail to notice that someone isn’t demonstrating a consistent investment in getting serious with them. When you fantasize a million steps ahead about how your next dates will play out together it can lead your brain to believing it should and it will, and then when it inevitably doesn’t, you feel shortchanged and frustrated, but keep hoping things will improve. Unrealistic expectations can also lead people to cut things off prematurely which is sabotaging your #relationshipgoals. Confirmation bias is a form of faulty thinking with plenty of scientific evidence supporting people’s propensity to believe something is true because they would like it to be true. Motivated by wishful thinking, individuals will stop gathering information when the evidence gathered so far confirms the views (prejudices) one would like to be true.

REBOOT: DO NOT GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF. If someone isn’t consistently making an effort to set concrete plans with you, showing a genuine interest in connecting with you, stop giving him your mental attention! Be ready to harness some discipline because old habits die hard. You’re perfectly rigorous about keeping your diet paleo, you’re awesome at limiting your drinking to the weekends, but you let your mind go on a wild goose chase over every text thread in your phone! You know you’re in trouble if the guy inside your head is always more fun to think about then the same guy whose text messages rarely extend beyond 3 words and you never quite know where things stand between the two of you. Be honest with yourself. Why would it make sense to want a relationship with someone who’s hot and cold towards you? Inconsistency and unpredictability beget failure in building anything of value. Open your eyes to the people who are making it clear they value you and want to spend time with you.

Dumb dating habit # 4: You over-rely on dating apps and forget that prospective dating partners are everywhere! Your attention is buried in your phone and you never (ever, ever) initiate conversation with a stranger for social purposes.

Pretty much everyone is guilty of digital social isolation these days. You’ve heard this before from those of us who evolved as human beings before the digital era. By limiting yourself to socializing through online/text consumption you are actually limiting yourself to a communication method with WORSE social aptitude results not BETTER. The quality of enjoyment, depth of expression and opportunity to build lasting relationships has evolved over billions of years through face to face communication. Digital communication on the other hand has existed for a fraction of a mili-second and the jury is out if humanity would even survive if we continue to depend on it with today’s enthusiasm. It’s not that I think people shouldn’t enjoy all the latest dating apps, follow each other on social media for entertainment, ease and efficiency, but aim to keep practicing your real life social skills. Every single client who’s taken me up on my encouragement in this area has come back glowing with newfound empowerment and shock, really. Like “I cannot believe I initiated a social conversation with a total stranger (sober, mind you!) AND DIDN’T DIE ON THE SPOT FROM ANGST. I CAN DO ANYTHING NOW!!!” YES! That is the best feeling!

What is the difference between someone who consistently performs to the best of their ability and someone whose performance is unpredictable? What allows someone to effortlessly tap into their peak performance and reach their goals and what compromises a person’s ability to access and sustain it? One word- outlook. Martin Seligman‘s groundbreaking research on learned optimism reveals how being optimistic is consistently related to improved health and longevity. A US study of nearly 100 000 students found that people who are optimistic are less likely than those who are pessimistic to die from Coronary Heart Disease (CHD) or from any other cause over an eight year period. On the other hand, pessimism has been linked to chronic stress and poor health functioning such as high levels of inflammation, a weakened immune system, increased pain perception, and other signs of physiological and mental dysfunction. Optimistic people appear to manage stress more efficiently than others so that their stress disappears at a faster rate than those who don’t utilize optimism in their outlook.

Seligman developed a test to help people identify their outlook style (which you can take here.) If your base level of optimism isn’t very high, don’t panic. In fact, it means that you are at the level where learned optimism can be the most beneficial!

Executive coaching can be an effective way to learn and adopt optimism to improve your overall functioning and sustain peak performance in all areas of your life. I typically work with high-achieving young adults in the tech community of the Bay Area/Silicon Valley. Working with a coach is great for healthy people who are motivated to change what isn’t working, but need some guidance on how to execute strategically and efficiently.

The following tactics outline the basic tenets of Learned Optimism. Keep in mind that our first reaction to something will always be automatic and happen instantaneously – that’s normal and to be expected! We can acknowledge our initial reactions to an event without this becoming our permanent outlook on the matter. That’s where Learned Optimism comes in. We can cultivate this skill by identifying our first reaction, clarifying how this first outlook might impact our overall ability to problem-solve and perform, and challenge ourselves to adjust our outlook in order to optimize our performance and goal achievement. With practice, we can improve our mental toughness, which is what helps a person cope with difficult situations, persevere and succeed at a high performance level.

Our outlook is shaped by our individual explanatory style, a psychological attribute that indicates how people explain to themselves why they experienced a particular event, either positive or negative. There are three components to this:

The permanence of an event – how long someone thinks it will last

The pervasiveness or scope of an event – whether the person sees the event as specific and contained, or global and all-inclusive

Personalization of an event – whether the person views the event as something that was caused entirely by oneself, others or external factors

Learned Optimism tool # 1 – Adjust TIME outlook for an event.

Find ways to view a negative event as temporary:

“The next fiscal quarter will be better.”

“This is a short-term setback.”

“I’m having an off day today.”

Find ways to view a positive event as enduring and reflective of personal ability:

“I’m on a roll now, because I’ve worked hard, practiced, and now have a winning strategy.”

“I know I can handle challenging things because I’ve already overcome so much.”

“I’ve created opportunities for myself in the past, and am capable of creating more.”

Learned Optimism tool # 2 – Adjust SCOPE of an event.

Find ways to view a negative event as specific and contained to one situation:

“The next event will work out better because of what I’ve learned this time around.”

“I won’t let this personal rejection or difficult co-worker get in my way or stop me from reaching my goal.”

“Things at my company are rough right now, but my personal life is going well.”

Find ways to view a positive event as global:

“Earning this promotion has gotten me on the right path to developing as a leader in the company.”

“My management style is more effective since I’ve made an effort to be more approachable and generous with my time.”

“Taking social risks has been challenging but I’ve learned that overall, people respond well to me when I reach out first.”

For negative events, identify your personal accountability, then factor in others’ contributions and the role of external circumstances:

“I can see how I contributed to the fight my spouse and I had. I want to clarify my expectations and work on finding some middle ground so the next time this issue comes up we can avoid a blowup.”

“I reacted without communicating beforehand with my team members, which led to a break down in our overall progress. I will suggest a few temporary solutions until we can figure out a more inclusive strategy.”

“My company is going through major layoffs, and in spite of the contributions I made that demonstrated real utility, I’ve been informed it’s time to find my next position.”

For positive events, recognize which personal strengths you utilized to bring this event to fruition:

“I stayed focused on my goals and was willing to work harder when other people were frustrated and fed up, which helped me move forward and achieve in spite of facing real adversity.”

“I’m more comfortable and experienced speaking in front of others than my co-founder, so I took on the responsibility of pitching our idea to investors and now our startup has seed funding.”

“I’ve worked on building up my tolerance for discomfort in social situations, which I believe gave me the confidence to ask out someone I’ve been interested in for months. Even if it doesn’t work out, I feel good about stepping up and taking initiative.”

Bringing it all together- learned optimism is a winning strategy to get through challenging or unfair situations by shining a spotlight onto where there is opportunity for improved coping, positive progress and effective solutions. Our initial response to a situation may not be the most effective way to navigate it successfully. The key to adopting an optimistic mindset is to acknowledge the inherent choice we have in our response. Learned optimism is not an exercise in avoiding responsibility or ignoring dire circumstances either. Adopt an outlook that encourages personal accountability, and supports your performance growth in every area of life. From your education to your work to your health, it is your outlook that predicts your level of success above all else.

“Likability” has become the X factor that distinguishes people’s success at work as the American workforce grows increasingly competitive and diversified. Demonstrating a high level of likability goes beyond popularity, and is often cited as one of the most influential reasons behind promotion selection and leadership advancement within a company. The ability to come across as likable can lead to why co-workers and managers align with some people but not others. Likable people are more apt to be hired, earn a high level of trust and support from colleagues, and have their mistakes forgiven without injuring their credibility and reputation. A study of 133 managers at the University of Massachusetts found that if an employee is likable and gives a well-organized argument, managers tend to comply with their suggestions, even if they disagree and the employee lacks supporting evidence.

On the other hand, unlikable people are often unaware of how toxic they feel to others, seem to provoke a combative response in others, and over time, develop a reputation of being ‘hard to work with, or hard to work for’ even if they consistently demonstrate a high level of technical skill in their work role.

The ability to manage your emotions and remain steadfast and positive in stressful situations has a direct impact not only on your performance, but how likable you are to others. As tempting as it can be to find fault in others, taking on a non-confrontational problem-solving approach encourages people to work in tandem and collaborate with you rather than react in defensiveness and go into attack mode. A wise, highly successful manager once said to me “it’s never effective to make people feel wrong, even if they ARE wrong. Shaming people wastes time and energy and reduces morale- causing people to withdraw or retaliate rather than work to improve themselves.”

TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and found that 90% of high ranked performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of conflict in order to remain calm and in control. One of the greatest talents of likable people is their ability to neutralize difficult, unlikable people. They use their well-honed interpersonal skills to help disgruntled people feel supported, valued and useful to a team’s success, motivating them to cooperate with others. If left unchecked, poorly managed conflict and employee grid-lock will sink a company’s success rate fast.

There are various strategies that likable people use to win their co-worker’s trust, appreciation, and support at work. “Likability isn’t something you are born with, like charisma. It’s something you can learn,” says Ben Decker, chief executive officer of Decker Communications, San Francisco, a training and consulting firm. To establish lasting, positive connections with people (whether you like them or not), you’ll need an approach that feels authentic to your interpersonal style. Many clients in my executive coaching practice come in to elevate their emotional intelligence skills to complement their highly developed STEM technical skills. In the beginning, taking a different approach to interacting with others can feel difficult or artificial, but over time becomes easier to employ once you see the positive impact it has on your work relationships. Engaging in stable, positive interactions at work will always be easier to maintain than constantly navigating awkward or tense work relationships.

Actionable strategies to increase your likability at work:

Aim to communicate empathically with others. Negative, unlikable people can be draining when they exhibit hostile emotions without regard for how they’re affecting others. They aren’t focused on solutions because they feel unheard, and want someone to pay attention to their complaints. You can avoid coming across as insensitive or unconcerned by offering a few short, empathic statements to demonstrate you’ve listened. Help them see they’ve made an impact on your understanding of the issues they’ve raised, and you value their opinion. This form of active listening increases your likability because you’ve demonstrated an ability to tolerate other people’s emotional expressions without negating their experience. Even if you do not agree with them in the slightest, you’ve helped them move away from seeing you as personally contrary or combative. Their complaints are not being made to generate solutions at this moment in time, but rather to be heard by anyone who will listen. Refrain from sharing differences in opinion, which will only trigger a combative response style. Use phrases to help that person feel understood before ending the exchange amicably.

“This does sound like a big problem. I imagine it won’t be easily solved without some planning. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on the situation, it’s helped me get some new perspectives. I’ll spend some time thinking about how to get the ball rolling in the right direction.”

“I think this is a really important issue too. I want to give it the time and attention it deserves. Now that I’ve heard your take on it, I feel like I can see how it’s affecting people differently.”

“This problem has been hard for a lot of people, but especially you, based on what you’re saying. It seems like you’re doing the best you can, given the circumstances.”

If ultimately it’s your job to generate actionable solutions to the problems they’ve shared with you, it’s better to give yourself time to strategize, gather information, resources and support to optimize your plan of action rather than to engage in a reactive dialogue that won’t generate lasting solutions, and likely only provoke negative responses.

2. Make time for small talk. Positive relationships are born from sharing benign personal details. Showing genuine interest in others makes you likable. As someone who’s naturally chatty (with a personality style well suited to being a highly interactive coach versus a traditionally unobtrusive psychotherapist) I always enjoy helping people learn and practice the art of small talk. Likable people make time to exchange simple personal reflections on topics that most people can relate to- favorite past times or culinary tastes, seasonal or local happenings. Small talk is a time to compare mutual commonalities with the intent of learning something new about a person. Sharing parts of yourself through small talk helps people feel familiar and comfortable with you and develop a sense of who you are outside of your work role. I believe there are a few basic rules of thumb to successfully initiate and respond to others during small talk conversations. These mini exchanges (think 5 -1o minutes) build upon each other over time, and eventually can segue into more in-depth conversations that are mutually interesting and enjoyable.

Be willing to initiate a circumstantially relevant conversation (for example seeing someone enjoy a cup of coffee/tea is a good time to ask what they prefer, then share some small personal details about your own caffeine habits, add some novel experiences if you can to keep it from being too mundane). Pay attention to the amount that they share and aim to match it, then expand a bit more. Find out if there’s anything you can learn from them based on what they share.

Be responsive to people when they make an effort to begin a small talk conversation with you, and be inclusive of others whenever possible. Even if you’re having a hectic day, take time to convey you appreciate their conversational gesture and try to refrain from saying how busy/rushed you feel. If you really are counting on every spare minute that day, let them know you want to come back to chat with them a bit later, and make a point to follow up in some small way the next time you see them.

Ask a few people who know you well (family members, room mates, close friends) how they’ve seen you engage in small talk and ask for candid feedback. What have they observed in your conversational style that works well? What might be misinterpreted? Consider any reoccurring themes with the intention of ongoing improvement so that others have easy, enjoyable exchanges with you.

3. Pay attention to what tends to lighten people’s mood, what puts a smile on people’s faces or brings people out of their shell. A few seconds of generosity with your energy can instantly warm people and makes you endearing to others. I’ve had clients tell me they struggle to connect with people they have very little in common with, especially across genders. If you’ve ever paid close attention to someone who’s incredibly likable, you’ll see their charm often comes from a willingness to admit to not knowing much about something that someone else has a talent for- they’ll make light of this difference and find a way to joke about being less fashion savvy, less gadget knowledgable or less organized than a fellow co-worker. Complimentary teasing, when done subtly and with genuine appreciation for someone else’s strengths is a fun, positive way to connect to others and increase your likability.

4. Keep close tabs on your mood, and get in the habit of making micro-adjustments to sustain your comfort, stamina, peace of mind, and sense of humor. Top performers understand how even the smallest differences in our mood can shape our response style and influence our ability to be creative, proactive and solution focused, and patient with unlikable people and complex problems. You’ll want to aspire beyond healthy eating and good sleep hygiene and understand what additional influences can tip your mood in the right or wrong direction. I recently sat next to Silicon Vally venture capitalist Tim Draper during a fundraiser luncheon for non-profit organization BizWorld.org. He shared with me a few secrets to his success, including the importance of understanding and managing what influences your mood and energy level, taking extra precaution before going into high stakes meetings, public performances, or making paramount decisions with long term consequences. By learning what helps you sustain your best mood, you’ll not only increase your likability and performance level, but serve as an inspiration to others who see you gliding through life with more ease and less stress.

create a varied and personalized list of self-care strategies and implement them routinely into your daily schedule. (The list should range by category, e.g. time required, ease of access, supplies needed)

learn when to pass on extra curricular activities, social events and spending time with people that drain your energy and mood during times you’ll need to rely on your best performance ability

invest in resources that help you streamline domestic tasks that take up precious time and energy- whenever possible and affordable outsource tedious household chores so you can invest your time and energy on making career gains and positive social developments.

5. Keep your eyes on the big picture and don’t sweat the small stuff. The most likable people find a way to not let minor annoyances become obstacles to their success, and train their brain to notice positivity, hope, generosity, kindness, improvement and teamwork. They are comfortable using trial and error, steer clear of perfectionistic or overly-idealistic expectations, keep their goals realistic, recognize growth and gains in themselves and others, and manage to find the silver lining in the most challenging circumstances. Practice. Then practice some more. These are all tactics that take time to develop and can become staples in helping you become more likable and effective in your life and work goals.

Yesterday I spent my day coaching 7 different young adults through completely different stages of their relationship development. All of them have proven to be tremendously capable in their chosen professional field. Even in the teetering tech market of Silicon Vally they’ve earned impressive merit based raises, gifted pricy vacations abroad with company funds, landed on prestigious lists like Forbes Top 30 under 30, deemed essential in corporate leadership, and set trends in the startup world of the San Francisco Bay Area. All of them are navigating the perilous task of determining who to invest in for a long term romantic partnership. These are people prone to approaching goals with a steely pace and scrupulous plan for a high success rate. Yet interpersonal relationship development and decision making doesn’t easily succumb to this style of problem solving. How does one successfully determine when to invest in relationship growth versus separation, especially in the face of elusive feelings like ‘attraction, chemistry and connection’? How much compatibility is enough? How much compromise is too much? This article aims to offer some guiding points to lead you in your decision towards continuing in the relationship or breaking things off with the hopes of finding a better fit.

Predetermine what matters most in ANY sort of close, long term relationship. Do this exercise. Pretend you’re searching for a new platonic best friend, based on what has proven to be the most essential qualities you’ve enjoyed in other close friendships. Make a list of top 5 descriptive traits you believe would be most important for the friendship to be awesome.I asked people with various types of personalities to share this with me, in order to get a sense of what people prioritize when they decide to invest in growing a relationship. I was actually surprised by what some people said! (I won’t list any here because I think it’s more effective to create your list without external influences.) Now ask yourself ‘How can I find out if this person has enough of my 5 most valued traits? What will I look for? How long will it take? Does this person demonstrate these traits consistently with me as well as other key people in their life, or are they sporadic?’ Are the qualities on my list part of how I’ve identified and maintained ‘chemistry’ with people in the past? If you find yourself dating someone who doesn’t exhibit these qualities consistently with you, chances are it’s just not going to work.

Is there considerable evidence that this person adds measurable value to your life right now? I ask this because many people decide to invest in relationships based on factors they believe will be valuable at some future point. Nothing is wrong with considering things like compatible achievement/financial goals, similar hypothetical timelines for marriage, or believing someone would make an amazing parent. The problem with this focus is that people lose track of evaluating how much they actually enjoy the relationship in the here and now. I can’t tell you how many people come into my office stating “my problem is that I tend to date two different kinds of people; one is super hot and we have great physical chemistry but not a lot in common/we can’t stand each other outside the bedroom, and the other one has a lot of what I want in a life partner but I’m just not as attracted to them physically.” Choices, choices people! Here’s the bottom line. If someone doesn’t currently hold your interest enough for you to exclusively focus on them on a day-to-day basis, chances are you’re going to be so focused on an upgrade it’s bound to fail! It does not matter that their potential is great, or the timing is off, etc. Move on. But accept this:

THERE IS NO HOLY GRAIL of a partner. It doesn’t even matter how much of a catch you are (tragically!) Don’t believe me? Do this: find an older person who describes their early relationship as having exactly the experience you’ve always wanted- that feeling of butterflies and fireworks going off, sitting and daydreaming about when you get to spend time alone with them again, listening to them talk in awe of how amazing/intelligent/funny/interesting they are, doing stuff with them is so easy and fun, the physical attraction is there, ‘this is THE ONE’ feeling is there, the feeling is mutual, etc. etc. Even when this whole ‘madly in love’ experience remains unwavering for years between two people, they will STILL tell you that eventually the honeymoon phase does end (You’ve heard this before. Still, you long to be impervious to this truth, so you avoid it by chasing new honeymoons with different people). So this is when the hard work of committed relationship compromise begins, in order for you to enjoy the reality of a long-term relationship beyond the honeymoon phase.

Now if you’ve managed to make a connection with someone to even consider any of the above questions, you’re off to a decent start. These days in the dating world it’s a challenge to even get beyond the right swipe of a dating app, let alone past the cutting room floor of a first date/hang out session. Think about how you want to address the idea of investing in this next period of relationship evaluation.

Clarify the deal of commitment. Even though these conversations are awkward, if avoid it you’ll have no idea if investing more of your time makes sense. First figure out what you want. Would you prefer if the two of you are only dating each other in this next phase? Or dating other people but sexually exclusive? Do you know if marriage is something they want for themselves, and if so, how soon do they imagine being ready for marriage?

Spend time thinking about where you are and are not willing to compromise. The other person may need more time to feel it out. Many people operate under the belief that “compatible” people start out wanting commitment changes to happen at exactly the same time. This couldn’t be further from the truth, some people just need more time to process their thoughts and feelings. It is your job however, to decide whether the discrepancies that exist between the two of you are just too big to establish and maintain a fulfilling relationship. How you ask?

Notice the patterns that exist between you: Are routinely important habits in their life persistently difficult for you to bear? Do you see a feasible way for you to accept these things, even if they never change? Can you communicate while problem-solving without spiraling into attack or stonewalling mode with each other? Do you set each other off in consistently destructive ways? Is the emotional toll of engaging in this relationship negatively impacting other important areas of your life such as your ability to work effectively in your chosen path? Are you able to maintain the relationships you’ve determined are important to you while you’re dating this person?

Make a clear decision about the relationship for a specific period of time and execute towards that plan, rather than spending days or even months going back and forth about whether to stay in the relationship.‘Should I end this relationship? Yesterday I struggled with thinking I should, but today I feel like I want to make things work.’ This type of deliberation can be paralyzing and spiral into even bigger problems, like anxiety and depression, which exacerbate the situation. You’re not going to move forward in either your relationship or personally if you remain plagued with indecisiveness. By not committing to a concrete plan, you are not actively working to gain resolution. The irony of staying in a relationship with one foot out the door is that you neither benefit from the comfort of intimacy nor gain the necessary closure for moving on with your life.

Accept that even the happiest couples have perpetual problems. Manage conflict with the understanding that not all problems can be permanently solved. If I learned anything from studying the work of John Gottman (the leading expert on marital stability and relationship analysis through scientific direct observations) it was this- you are setting yourself up for failure if you approach all your relationship problems with the expectation of permanent resolution. Perpetual problems stem from fundamental differences in your personalities or lifestyle habits, and can lead to gridlock when attempts to communicate and compromise fail.

Learn to practice effective conflict management. Enlist emotional intelligence skills and aim to avoid toxic communication styles. Create a system of shared meaning in your relationship that fosters collaboration and friendship in order to bypass power struggles. What matters is not solving perpetual problems, but establishing a dialogue that communicates acceptance of your partner with humor, affection, and even amusement, to actively cope with the unresolvable problem without it tearing down the relationship.

If all else fails, seek professional help to help you figure out how to effectively invest the time and effort necessary for building and maintaining a healthy relationship. Work through your breakup story if that’s the route you take, but move on so you can benefit from the invaluable rewards of love and intimacy.

Starting a new year is especially impactful for people described as ‘overachievers’. I work closely with young influencers in the tech community of San Francisco, their struggles are as unique as their accomplishments. From completing their own annual ‘Year in Review’ life progress report (yes that really is a thing) to calculating their financial growth trajectory against the top 1% of earners, they are quick to succeed at what they set out to do. Most are well under 35, have founded and successfully run and/or profitably sold a company, and are already making more money than their parents. Nothing to frown at, right? Yet if this describes you, you’re probably thinking ‘meh, so has almost everyone else I know.’ It’s no easy feat to be impressive in the Bay Area.

Overachievers are known for their willingness to tackle new challenges, push themselves beyond their comfort zone in order to get ahead of their peers, and are highly effective at solving problems. Yet high achieving people also tend to privately wonder “Am I the only one who has a hard time relaxing and enjoying myself? Why can’t I stop worrying about falling behind in life?” Overachievers invest much of their time investigating what ‘the right’ choices are, and can struggle with making definitive decisions out of fear of making ‘the wrong’ choice. Committing to a specific career direction, choosing a spouse, or deciding which city to settle down in can all be paralyzing decisions for overachievers. The painstaking (not to mention endless) deliberation of an overachiever can lead to chronic feelings of dissatisfaction, loss of authentic purpose, and ultimately, a barrier to enjoying the outcomes they’ve worked so hard to attain.

Effective Reframing Strategies overachievers can use to find happiness and authentic purpose:

Redefine Happiness.Consider how often you think “I’ll be so happy when…or “I can’t wait until…” Stop placing a conditional clause on happiness, it prevents you from valuing your current circumstances as worthy of genuine satisfaction. Ironically, this thinking style begins as way to sustain motivation and increase tolerance for challenging periods in life. “I’ll be so happy when I finish this damn Ph.D.” (guilty as charged) There’s nothing wrong with expecting to feel great once something difficult is over or a life milestone has been met.

The Stumbling Block: When this ‘imagined future’ gets placed so far up on a pedestal that it diminishes your current circumstances, and prevents you from investing in present-day opportunities for satisfaction and joy.

The Faulty Logic:“If I let myself be happy with where I am right now, I’ll lose motivation to work hard, and I’ll stop striving for that next level of achievement.” FALSE. Work ethic is not driven by avoiding happiness. You aren’t doing yourself a favor by adopting an attitude of ‘my current life isn’t good enough, and I shouldn’t indulge in pleasure, lest I become complacent’. Nor does any particular achievement guarantee happiness.

The Solution:Keep your happiness barometer focused on the here and now. Allow yourself to experience real pleasure and contentment today, it will be the positive fuel that will restore and strengthen you for all your future endeavors. What if you aren’t sure what makes you genuinely happy? Instead of measuring every person, activity or experience as an opportunity to advance your station in life, start by asking yourself “Was that fun?”

“If you’re happy, that’s probably the most important thing. Everyone probably has their own definition of success, for me it’s happiness. Do I enjoy what I’m doing? Do I enjoy the people I’m with? Do I enjoy my life?” Michael Dell, Entrepreneur and Founder of Dell

Redefine Failure.Consider how often you label a situation or outcome in your life a ‘failure’. Many overachievers are quick to discount and devalue something that didn’t go exactly according to plan. Part of how people successfully achieve goals is by creating highly specific plans with measurable outcomes. However, overachievers are prone to self-punitive rumination when things don’t turn out precisely as planned, which leads to pervasive feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy.

The Stumbling Block: Choosing to view something as a ‘failure’ blinds you to the value it can contribute to your life. Tying your sense of worth to quantifiable ‘wins’ and ‘failures’ robs you of the chance to be a whole person, whose contributions and very existence is valuable beyond achievement.

The Faulty Logic: “If something didn’t turn out how I wanted, it should be considered a fail. I wasted valuable time and now I’m behind with my life plan. This failure tarnishes me, and now I’m not as valuable as other people because of it.”

The Solution: Practice finding (and believing) in silver linings. In every outcome and life experience there is opportunity to learn and grow in profitable ways. Finding out what problem solving strategies and solutions don’t work and why, developing newfound courage, building emotional strength, practicing patience, gaining insights about how people and groups think and behave, increasing your ability to offer encouragement and compassion, uncovering resilience, experiencing autonomy and teamwork in new circumstances, the list is endless! The point is, the most successful, well-rounded people derive their critical personal development from all sorts of experiences and are better for it. Do not short-change yourself by writing off even your worst outcomes as worthless. Moreover, the value of your life cannot be quantified by successful achievement alone.

Success does not Guarantee Love. This is a big one. Huge actually. Many overachievers learned early in their life they are more likely to receive praise for their successes, which feels good- especially when it comes from influential people like parents or primary caregivers. Alice Miller wrote about this over 30 years ago in the classic The Drama of the Gifted Child. Being singled out for winning can make us feel special and desirable, increasing our awareness of social status. Criticism for not achieving can feel rejecting and painful and can lower our sense of self-worth. Over time, overachievers learn to associate social approval, love, admiration, inclusion, and even intimacy.as being dependent on one’s success. It’s not that seeking social connections through common interests, values or achievements is misguided. But relying on social status to serve as the most critical criteria for building friendships or finding a romantic partner can result in relationships that never feel good enough or genuinely fulfilling.

The Stumbling Block: When we use our own version of ‘social status’ (prestigious academic or career achievements, artistic talent, wealth, power, socially recognized intellectual or physical superiority) as the primary focus for building our social circle or selecting a romantic partner, we can lose sight of the most important factors that make relationships feel good and lead to lasting love, happiness and intimacy. We run the risk of developing relationships that feel inauthentic and insecure.

The Faulty Logic: “My own relative success has led me win approval and special treatment from others. I’ve also learned to avoid painful criticism and negative judgment by demonstrating superior abilities compared to others. If I don’t choose someone whom matches or bolsters my success, I won’t feel genuinely good about myself or them. I can’t really love someone who doesn’t measure up to my expectations for success.

The Solution: Building opportunities for growth through relationships is a healthy, if not critical part of one’s personal development. However, overachievers can place a high degree of pressure on themselves to select their social circle strategically, or risk failure in life. Many will point out quotes from high achieving leaders that suggest all social opportunities should be leveraged to boost one’s personal success. Business philosopher Jim Rohn “we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with” or Michael Dell, Founder of Dell “Try never to be the smartest person in the room. And if you are, I suggest you invite smarter people … or find a different room.” While this advice has merit, it can be misleading if taken out of context. It’s understandable to admire and be drawn towards people who show potential to uplift and improve us, but friendship and romance can’t survive without tenets like mutual enjoyment of each other’s company, respect, genuine affection and good will for one another, reciprocal generosity, and willingness to compromise in order to overcome challenges or disagreements.

Further, overachievers can sometimes fail to recognize or appreciate opportunities to learn from people whose personality strengths and achievements contrast with their own. Overachievers tend to want to find a spouse who ‘has it all’ which often ends up sounding like an ‘idealized and improved’ version of themselves. Instead, consider what personality styles are complimentary to your own. Keep in mind people can be ‘Type A’ at work, but ‘Type B’ in social and romantic relationships, or vice versa. Who you work well with at the office or studio may or may not be who you are best suited for romantically. People are often happier in relationships that provide an opportunity to balance each other in a way that is mutually beneficial. So allow some flexibility in how you define ‘smart and successful’, you are increasing your chances for developing healthy, happy and lasting friendships and romantic partnership.

Finding Direction and Purpose Through Self-Acceptance. One of the biggest challenges for young overachievers is narrowing down what direction to take their career ambitions. One theme I have heard repeatedly among high achieving millennials in my practice is “I don’t want to just be really successful at something, I want whatever I do to have meaningful social impact. It’s important for me to be a part of something that leads to positive change in the world.” What brings them into my office is that in spite of graduating with prestigious accolades or achieving early success in the tech/business sector, they struggle with feeling they are ‘doing the right thing with their life’. It’s not uncommon for overachievers to experience a surge of perfectionistic career-related FOMO that can be paralyzing and lead to anxiety and depression.

The Stumbling Block: The challenge for overachievers is that they excel in so many arenas that they have less cause for ruling out career choices. They can often feel pulled in many different directions at once, and experience heightened pressure to always “know what they’re doing, and have a plan”. Further, many high achievers are so conditioned to rank jobs based on external markers of success that they have a difficult time identifying and valuing their own personal enjoyment as a reason for making choices. The added pressure to “make a positive difference in the world” creates a feeling of constant unease and intimidation.

“These are kids who will perform to the specifications you define, and they will do that without particularly thinking about why they’re doing it. They just know that they will jump the next hoop. The fact that we’ve created a system where kids are constantly busy, and have no time for solitude or reflection, is going to take its toll.” William Deresiewicz, who penned the controversial essay “Don’t Send Your Kid to the Ivy League” which reads like a self-help manual for ambitious yet internally adrift overachievers struggling to figure out how to navigate life.

The Faulty Logic: “I constantly feel like I don’t have enough concrete evidence to feel like I’m making the right major decisions, but I can’t afford to waste time doing things that aren’t part of a successful future. If I don’t know exactly what I’m doing with my life all the time, I’m failing.”

The Solution: First accept that NO ONE can know with certainty they’re making ‘the right or best choices’ for their own future. Even people we believe turned out to be highly successful, happy and impressively socially responsible can’t look back and know they couldn’t have done things differently for ‘even better’ results. The point is, let yourself live your life and appreciate a wide range of experiences, including the lulls and pitfalls. Personal intuition and wisdom grow from a life full of twists and turns. Learn to trust your own gut feelings, they are the ultimate decision-making tools for making choices, and you can’t hone these tools without testing them out on different experiences. Feeling purposeful is entirely personal. You can gather all sorts of facts, create decision-making diagrams and consider data taken from public opinion. Sooner or later there will come a time when you cannot and will not know with any degree of certainty that something is going to pan out well. What you CAN do is trust your future self to have the strength, courage and wisdom to handle the outcome if the day comes when you need to change course. You’ll use the resources you have available, which will be invaluable wisdom gained from the experience, self-care strategies (you’ve hopefully been practicing along the way) and trusted social support. That’s all any of us can really do!