Damien Hirst's Cock In A Bottle

The other week, finding myself remarkably child free, I decided to do a mammoth tour of London's contemporary art galleries. This rare moment came nearly six months after a friend of a friend, Mark Godfrey a curator at the Tate, spared me 30 minutes of his time to give me career advice, on how to get a job in the art industry. He kindly emailed me the following:

"Some galleries you should try to see regularly are Hauser and Wirth, David Zwirner, Spruth Magers, Thomas Dane, Simon Lee, Sadie Coles, Stephen Friedman, Frith Street, Alison Jacques, Modern Art, Pilar Corrias, Lisson Gallery, Maureen Paley, Anthony Wilkinson, Vilma Gold, White Cube, Gagosian, Victoria Miro. Try to get to every show at every gallery! You can see on a map that many are close together so it's not as daunting as it may sound!"

This was no doubt invaluable advice, had I not been a single mother with no childcare, who is unable to follow even the walking directions on my phone.

Anyway seizing the opportunity I set off with Matt (the computer geek) to get up to speed on the contemporary scene ...yah, 'mazing.

I was soon proven to be the amateur idiot that I am after my top three, Gagaosian, Miro and Spruth Magers (the heavy weights) were all closed for new installations (silly me, who would be going to an art gallery in London in August, everyone is in St Tropez, or was that in the 90s, is St Tropez still posh or is it chavsville now?)

Fortunately another big boy, David Zwirner, was open and we got to see Donald Judd's plastic boxes and his delightfully fragrant wooden ones, which instantly transported me to my brother's filthy log pile (no that isn't a euphemism, he actually chops up a lot of trees) which was pleasant but left me pondering "Is smell minimalist?" and "What a lot of expensive London space for a few boxes".

We then wondered to Sotheby's, which was momentarily exciting as there was a David Hockney and 60s Artists in London's "New Situation" Exhibition, but after strolling in and wondering why there were no names or prices by the works we were told by a despondent security guard that it wasn't open yet (everyone is in Croatia).

On our way back up New Bond Street we were distracted by several of these in a shop, I mean a gallery, window:

Innocence Lost Damien Hirst Signed £5450.00

They were intriguing, so we bravely ventured in to discover that they were recent Damien Hirst's. They are Victorian baby bottles containing a raw sausage, delightfully entitled "Innocence Lost", and are for sale at £5450.00 (including VAT). The very lovely assistant told us of all the time that Damien had spent sourcing the most revolting, phallic (well she didn't say phallic but I did), sausage possible. She smiled, saying how they thought it would be a fun display, what with the royal baby (I was thinking more about Jimmy and Rolf, but then art is subjective...).

Some people may find these distasteful, which they undoubtedly are, but I couldn't help thinking that, if I was married to an oligarch, it would probably make me the coolest godparent in the universe if I bought one as a christening present...well it would when said godchild grew up...probably quite offensive at the actual christening.

Anyway, after our interest I got signed up to the gallery's (Other Criteria) mailing list and we headed out for a much needed cup of tea.

Then, last night just before bed, I received an email from Other Criteria telling of this lovely set of spin chairs:

I thought they looked a bit dated and rather uncomfortable but would be cool in one of those hip new Academy state schools, for £30,000. I blinked a couple of times and then decided to peruse this online shop further. At this point you might like to grab a pen as you may see well some great Christmas present ideas, like these beautiful rugs.

£50,000 for a rug, well there aren't many of them you see, anyway I thought the saying went that "you pay for the name" and well Beautiful Saucy Spit Roast It'll All End In Tears has to be the best name for a rug ever so why is that one £20,000 less than Beautiful Abstract Landscape Pretentious Art Nonsense Rug? Oh yes, because its a bit smaller and there are a ubiquitous seven of them, that counts, if you are on a planet where you'd pay £50,000 and name a rug, I mean a piece of art, hold on I'm confused.

My initial shock at these seemingly ludicrous prices for ugly home-ware soon ebbed away as I continued checking out the other items for sale and pretty soon £2300 was a very reasonable for a unique glass bong by Mat Collishaw (if you could use it of course) and £30 for toilet paper was, seemingly, cheap and would be a great stocking filler, just that and fill the rest with satsumas.

Tim Noble and Sue Webster Toilet Paper £302013Toilet paperSold by the rollUnlimited editionPrinted signature on the paperSigned by hand on the plastic wrapping

The loo roll was signed by the fabulous Tim Noble and Sue Webster who have created breathtakingly beautiful artworks that transform abstraction into figuration in the most creative and insane of ways and they've maintained a sense of humour in the process.

Well maybe this piece isn't so jovial but they have done some great things with big mounds of flaccid penises too and they call you "motherfucker" as a welcome on their website. I then came across little bronze casts of their nipples and bumholes. They were in a nice wooden box and could be all yours for £12,000. Hahahahahahahahahaha god they are hilarious those crazy guys. It reminded me of a girl in school who tried to be controversial and do that for an art project, but it was the nineties and she hadn't thought ahead about the pube sticking problems...it didn't look quite so pretty.

I went to bed with questions flying around my head. Who on earth are they selling this stuff to? Who seriously looks at it and has that much money to think..yah, 'mazing? Why are the artists so blatantly taking the piss and the punters so eagerly lapping it up? Is it because they are taking the piss that it becomes so valuable? Why am I still awake thinking about this shit?

To be an artist must drive you insane. You either work your arse off slavishly tied to your art and make no money, rendering you fraught that no one is engaging with what you are compelled to do or, you make ridiculous amounts of money and find yourself in a world of idiots who buy any old shit you churn out - thus rendering your art worthless.

Damien Hirst has to be the most commercially successful artist of all time. He has climbed aboard the industry and ridden it home, leaving dealers and galleries bewildered at what had just happened. He sidelined them by having an historical solo auction of his work at Sotheby's, that reigned in £111,000,000 on the actual day the banks crashed - as Lehman Brother's toppled. Was it a triumph of the artist over the commercial world, the lone ranger of expression triumphant over the money hungry puppeteers or was he just an avenue in an unregulated market where they could stash their cash and make a hefty return while others blinked, confusedly, and missed the boat? Was it like the Titanic going down and all the rich leaping onto power cruisers while the normal folk were left clinging to a piece of floating turd? Only time will tell if Hirst's works will remain profitable to those who purchase them but the whispers in the industry are that they are commercial junk and people are set to loose a lot of money.

The items on Other Criteria are walking testimony that there is an unfaltering market of rich people out there ready to splash a fortune on either tasteless jokes or at the very least commercial, fashion art - this site is considerably lowly priced compared to the high end of the industry. If Hirst is laughing at the Emperor's New Clothes stupidity of the uber wealthy, is the last laugh on them when money obviously has such little value to them?

Despite the rights or wrongs, the whys and who's and whats, this art has amused me and engaged me. Its made me question in a far more complex and frustrating way than I could have imagined so there has to be some worth there, right?

Transcendent Head Damien Hirst£36,8002008170 x 210 x 140 mmHousehold gloss on plastic skullUnique multiple within an edition of 50Exclusive to Other Criteria