Growing up I was taught if you worked hard enough, and stayed focused, you could achieve/have whatever you want. Sadly, the realities of life have proven that is not the case. Nevertheless, this way of thinking is so ingrained in me that it shapes how I go about everything in life and most recently I realised it’s also how I approach my love life.

When it comes to our careers, chasing your dreams, by being pro-active is key and yes, even in relationships it’s important to ‘work’ at them – especially if you want something to last long-term. However, if you find yourself chasing your crush in the early stages of dating you are, in my experience, most likely flogging a dead horse.

Last summer after a hiatus from the dating scene I finally felt ready to put myself out there. I was still nervous and apprehensive but I was more inclined than I had been in a while to give it a go. The first person I went on a date with ended up being unlike anyone I’d ever been out with before – in a good way – and half way through our second date I had this feeling that maybe I’d finally found someone I wanted to be in a relationship with and who would want to be with me too. We had an instant connection that I had only ever felt a couple of times in my life, and although saying that out loud sounds naive I stand by it. I only wish now that I’d been more mindful in my approach, focused on the present rather than thinking about what could be in the future. Relatively early on a spanner was thrown into the works – this made him noncommittal, but for a while I had hoped that things would change. This is where without me realising it, my ‘goal getting’ nature kicked in.

When it ended, I read through the six months’ worth of texts and recalled time spent together, and I couldn’t help but feel responsible for my broken heart. When someone tells you they can’t be with you, but that they like you a lot, have feelings for you etc – focus on the most important part of that information. I didn’t. I had decided that I wanted him and I wasn’t going to admit defeat until I’d at least tried to change his mind (anyone else found themselves in this situation before?). Of course he gave me moments of hope but those were merely his moments of weakness. I keep thinking why did I chase him? Why couldn’t I save myself the heartache? Why couldn’t I let go of what I wanted and move on? It made no sense because the longer it went on and the stronger my feelings became, the more miserable I felt. So after some soul searching and a lots of tears here are my top 3 reasons why it is never wise to chase someone…

You morph into someone else…

The more I felt him pull away the harder I fought to ‘keep’ him. I turned into someone I didn’t recognise – needy, insecure and overly emotional. When a situation brings out the worst in you, that’s a clear sign that something isn’t right and for the sake of your own sanity you’d be wise to move on and let go. If you find that you’re in a situation were your insecurities are taking centre stage, use it as an opportunity to get to know yourself better. What insecurities are being highlighted at this time? For me, it threw up feelings of being unlovable, the thought that I won’t ever find someone to love me, because there is something ‘wrong’ with me. There must be, right? Not true, just because the guy you like doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t mean someone else will feel the same. Free yourself to be in a position where you’re able to be ‘open’ to that guy.

You will be unhappy…

It’s impossible to feel happy when you’re not getting what you want. Pursuing someone who doesn’t really want to be chased is counterproductive to the pursuit of happiness. It sounds simple but obviously in reality it isn’t. Love is associated with great happiness but also great pain and suffering – ‘love is madness’, ‘love is a battlefield’ etc – but that doesn’t mean you have to stay in a painful situation because you believe that you’re in love. Scientists have proven that going through a break-up is akin to cocaine withdrawal! So, rather than chasing your crush, and having to deal with feelings of sadness, instability and ‘drug withdrawal’ when it all goes tits up (and it will), choose your happiness (early on) above all else.

You deserve better…

Everyone deserves to be with someone who can give them the love and support they need. Someone who can dedicate time to them and who is willing and able to nurture a relationship. If that’s not what you’re getting something isn’t right. No matter how much I liked ‘my crush’ and vice versa he couldn’t give me what I deserved. Again I think this comes back to self-esteem. If you truly love yourself, you won’t ever settle for anything less than what you deserve. Think about the advice you would give a friend in your situation, if that advice doesn’t tally with your actions perhaps it’s time to practice some all important self love and make some changes. Over the years I’ve tried working on loving myself more and sadly I find it hard to do. I’m loving and giving to others but when it comes to doing the same for myself I constantly come up against road blocks. So, I decided to make a conscious effort to work on this, until then I vowed to ‘fake it till I make it’.