Hurt..trigger?

forgive me...i need to type...i just was at starbucks and started crying...usually i can wait until i get in the car but i couldnt'. i listen ed to johny cashs Hurt over and over.....but i kept thinkint i dont even feel like i would feel real if i hurt myself.

who knnows may5 be im having such a hard time because i just finished working 52 hrs in 5 days...i dont think so though....i think this has just been coming...a sadness so profound that i want to rip me heart out of my chest just to see if its beating . i keep having good days and thoughts...trying to find a place to fit in...but i dont...this world is not mine...i dont belong...i used to be content being an observer.... but now its lilke torture...seeing what daily what does not belong to me.

how can a person hurt so profoundly....how is it that a world would allow someone to become so isolated...to let them sit alone vcrying and do fucking nothiing.....am i that worthless...am i always to be everyones nobody....i s that my purpose to be the person that people look to to be grateful for what they have...at leasat they are not me.

in celtic times women would sing and crone(?)/scream over the dead....i feel like they should be mhy constant companions...i would hug and thank them for releasing me.

why doesnt the pavement buckle and crack with the pain i am feeling. why does nt the air catch fire . why dont the oceans boil. do i not matter at all.

i want to break things...i want to walk through stores and push everything off the shelves to prove to people that i am acturally here. i want to lay down on the road and let cars run me over for eternity...which wouldnt be long enough to ease my pain...to make me feel.

i have come undone....i am broken beyond words.....

i am so fucking lonely.

i am sorry...i am the last one that deserves pity...i have made my bed.....just having difficulty lying in it.

on top of this my heart is breaking in two for the world....every day i think what the hell are we all thinking...why dont we see each other ....why dont we see ourrselves and our profound splendor...why are you all here.on this site...you hav e so much in so little....does that make any sense......we keep thinking we are meant to live individually but the truth is that we are meant to live simply and connectedly...i think .......i dont know it soulnds pleasant does nt it.

i wonder at trying to get better...why try to get better for this fd up world.

i want to feel real........how do you begin to feel real again when you are so numb....so lost...i am not sure....i need a hug so fucking bad right now.....a year long hug.

thank you for letting me vent....think i ll go back to bed...may.be i ll feel better when i wake up

Thanks for sharing your pain. It is real to many of us here and many outside too who live in silece their pain , not knowing what to expect and not knowing if we need to dissapear for the pain to go. You are not alone .. not fucking alone. We are here for you offering this real hug of hope and streght for the next day and the next after that , because when we are still alive there is always hope that the next day is going to be a better day.