How to Slay Your Next Dental Visit

I didn’t used to really mind going to the dentist, but now that I’m rapidly, rapidly aging, I’m growing increasingly hateful of the whole idea of anyone jamming their hands in my mouth for any reason except to place small expensive chocolates on my tongue. Why hasn’t technology moved forward in the field of dentistry fast enough to make it a ridiculously fun experience?

I don’t know nothing about technology, but boy howdy do I know about fun, so here’s how to look forward to your dental appointments with the glee of a 17 year old anticipating his first whorehouse.

1. Make yourself a set of fake braces out of aluminum foil and wire to wear into your annual cleaning. Pluck them off halfway through and scream, “YOU MISSED A SPOT!” They’ll be shocked.

2. Pull out a couple of your own teeth before your visit to confuse your dentist.

3. Stride on in to the office, slap the check-in lady and request the filling/ass-tattoo combo.

3.b. Eat a package of Oreos right before your cleaning.

4. Before the visit, draw little hand puppets on each of your hands, and periodically have them make out while you’re in the chair.

5. The whole time you’re lying in the chair, slowly raise your eyebrows up and down.

6. Request an epidural.

7. Make fake gagging noises every few seconds that your mouth is open.

8. If you’re there for a filling, jerk your head around spastically from time to time just as the drill is being lowered toward you.

9. Make up new fantastic stories about your life each time you visit the dentist and see how many appointments before they start to catch on.

10. Steal this tip: I like to wear a full face of mime makeup to my appointments.

11. Grip the armrests as hard as your possibly can for the entire appointment, and tense your body up so it’s a nice flat plank hovering over the bed.

12. Smuggle your pet fish into the appointment in your pocket. When your dentist turns away for a moment to consult your x-ray, pop it into your mouth and wait for her to discover it. Classic.

13. Raise your fingers up and gently touch your open eyeballs every so often during the cleaning.

14. Hum/moan to the music while your mouth is open.

15. Insist on making an appointment to get all of your teeth extracted and replaced with pencil erasers. Explain that you’ll supply the erasers.

16. Bring a big Laffy Taffy to suck on while you’re chatting with the dentist post-cleaning.

17. Smuggle in packets of fake blood and squeeze them open from time to time under your back. Don’t even look back, despite the gasps, when you get up and leave.

18. Shovel all of the toys from the toy chest into your purse as you’re walking out the door.