Things I Said: Road Trip to Grandma’s Edition

I traveled solo with my kids for 4 days to my Mom’s house. Both kids were messed up from DST, they had to share a room, & my 4yo decided to be a total asshole for the entire trip. Good times.

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ON THE ROAD AGAIN

Don’t call her a Stinky Baby. Don’t call him a Butt. Just get in the car, both of you.

We’ve only been driving for 4 minutes. We have 4 more hours to go. You better stop saying you’re bored already, or I’ll toss that Leapster right out the window so you can suffer just as much as I am.

She has no control over your eyeball becoming fire. Ignore her.

Is the answer to this question: ‘The girl smacking herself in the head’?

AT GRANDMA’S HOUSE

Don’t stand on your sister’s back. Even if she asks you to. Even if she tells you to.

[When friends stop by before you all go to dinner] Okay, everybody, don’t get too crazy…

Which of course means start a WWF Smackdown in the living room while one little girl pecks the wrestlers in their faces with wooden birds and the youngest member intermittantly tosses miscellaneous collectibles into the ring.

I’m TIRED. I’m CRANKY. I’m very likely to YELL. Just…don’t talk to me in the morning until you start sleeping til you’re supposed to again.

No. No more questions. I will not discuss the Solar System any more until at least 7am. And get off my head, please.

FINALLY: HOME SWEET HOME

Who put glue in the sink?

Don’t step in his mouth.

While I am impressed with your creative talent for coming up with new fake things to decide you’re scared of at night, there’s absolutely no way at all I am going to share a bed with you. So buck up, Buttercup, or it’s gonna be a long night.

“Well what do you think happens when you’re in a gay bar and wearing a princess tiara on your birthday?” This was said to my BFF’s younger brother in response to why a couple of drag queens were trying to undress him, lol

As the mother of the other half of the WWF Smackdown, I’m just bummed that our kids couldn’t find any common ground and just didn’t know how to play together. The wooden bird pecking was a great addition and totally annoyed the boys – mission accomplished Miss A! S mostly just watched, grateful for someone else to have taken her place in the melee. Thanks, Mr T!

Shockingly, it did! I put my foot down and she finally took me seriously. That, and there’s nothing but her curtains, mattress and the paint on her walls. Girlfriend’s trying to earn some toys & books back into her room….

Here are latest things I’ve said to my 4 year old daughter:
1. Stop sniffing your dad’s butt. That is disgusting!
2. OMG! You’re bleeding out! We need to get you to a hospital right away! (said over the tiniest dot of blood that you needed a magnifying glass to see…she was bawling because I told her no band aid)
3. No I will not change your name to Sarah.