Wednesday, July 14, 2004

diggin deep

Werd. Yeah, so yesterday was pretty cool. Worked 10 hours and didn't have a whole heck of a lot to do. I was rather bored actually. I did a lot of stuff to get ready for the weekend and got my resume done and stuff like that, so I suppose that's good. But for the most part I was useless. Then after work I came back, grabbed a quick dinner, then rushed to class at 6:30. I was really bummed out too because the baseball All-Star game was last night at 8pm and I was supposed to have class until 10. I hadn't missed and All-Start since like 1990 and its a big family tradition to watch it together. So I went to class and it was boring, but then we somehow got through everything fast and at like 8:35 the teacher was like, "eh, you've worked hard, go home." I was like SHWEEEET!!! So I rushed home, got there at about 8:45 and found out that the game hadn't started until about 8:35. So it was still the top of the first inning. I was so happy! So I hung out with the family and watched the game until a bit after 10 and it was a lot of fun. Then I had a nice quiet time and hit the sack. This morning's commute went real well, thank goodness. I had more peace about me and was able to just mellow out and spend time in prayer so that was cool. Also, I'm pretty excited for today because I have one more DMB show to see tonight and also today is the last day of work this week for me. w00t! 8D

In Other News:
In class, I think I may have tracked down the anonymous "I like your pretty eyes" commenter. In hindsight, however, I kinda wish I hadn't...if you catch my drift. :) And then also, my pot-smoking girl hasn't been to class since she told me that 3 weeks ago. She even had a speech due tonight and didn't show up, so I hope she's okay. Most likely I think I scared her off, thus continuing my long history as The Inverse Chick Magnet. :-P

Deep Thoughts of the Day:
Well, as my blog for yesterday reads, my soul was really beat yesterday, I was feelin it. And I had to figure it out. So I spent lots of time in thought and prayer yesterday and especially last night and I think I tracked down the roots of what had been tugging at me. It comes down to two things at them moment.

1) I'm just struggling to see the point in my life right now. I think this has been brought on a lot by my job. I sit here and am bored and do nothing and even when I do something, I'm writing code for a program that's about to get phased out in a year or so and I just fail to see any point in anything. As I told Charles yesterday, I feel like a one-celled organism. I'm functioning at about 1% human capacity. I don't move much all day, I barely stretch my brain at all, I'm emotionally null all day, etc, etc. I'm like a walking carcass. I read the news online to pass time and I read about kids my age or younger over in Iraq sacraficing their lives and doing stuff that really matters. And I sit back and look at my life and say, "why do I deserve to be so pointless? I should be over there with them fighting and making a difference in the world and doing something real." And I don't mean necessarily armed services; that's just one example of something that would give me a point. Another and maybe better thing would be missionary service. The thought crosses my mind a few times every day and the more I think about it, the more I think it would be sweet to maybe be a missonary one day. So I dunno. I just need a goal and a point to thrive for. I think even if I get another IT job, it'll probably be better than this one, but still, what's the point? In any IT field, you write code for something that needs doing at the time, but then in a couple years it becomes obsolete and is gone forever and you're not remembered. What's the point in that?

2) I've come to realize that I'm just not comfortable with the world anymore. It's eating at me. I thought back on the weekend and stuff and just realized that when I was spending time with my buddies and with all the people at the tailgates and stuff, I had fun, but at the same time, it was hurting me. What I mean is, most of the conversations consisted of stuff about women and degrading women and drinking/party stories and bad jokes and just terrible language including a lot of blasphemy. And the blasphemy is really getting to me. I never used to care, but now, every time I hear something, it's like it just pokes my brain and my heart kinda clenches up a bit. It's weird. So, all my buddies are having these convos and talking like I used to, but I don't want that anymore. I'm not into that stuff cause it's wrong and I just don't feel right talking about it anymore. So what was and is happening when I hang out with guys, or go out to lunch here or whatever, I just kinda withdrawal myself socially from the group. I still listen and sometimes laugh or throw in a conjunction or something, but for the most part I stay silent. But by doing this, I'm making myself feel really shy and withdrawn and apart from everybody. But I guess I am, because I don't want to be like the world, so maybe this is good. But it brings up familiar feelings of loneliness and all the world of emotional crap that comes with that. And I think that's where I'm at right now. I'm not too sure where to go from here, but at least I think I have a diagnosis, so this is somewhat good.

So that's kind of all that I figured out yesterday. I felt a lot better going to bed last night once I got this out and I have a nice peace this morning. Even though there are still lots of unknowns, at least I figured out the roots of my feelings of blahness. Now to figure out some solutions. I think the DMB song Pig, below, sorta describes my current mood. I'm asking about the point in life and trying to find the bigger goal, but at the same time, I need to "don't burn the day away" and just enjoy each day God gives me to live and then love those around me no matter how lousy they are, and then maybe something good will come of that. :)