Sweet Ce's Journal, 16 July 2013

all over the map - that's where I feel like I've been with the food lately. I have days - or maybe a meal or two within a given day that I feel like I'm right on target. I'm making conscious decisions, I'm only eating amounts that I want and I'm choosing options that I enjoy.

And then there are the other meals/days when I just either have no appetite and honor that or have no appetite and still stuff things down my throat. Today feels a little like the latter of those two options. I am eating because I don't want to do anything but sleep and I have very little to do here in the office - but can't take a day off just now for weird reasons... Anywho... Food. I've been trying to remind myself that food is neither friend nor foe - it just is and part of it's purpose is to serve me, to give me nutrition and life.

I'm just in a bit of a depression, I guess, and food seems like a way to spend time - if I've got the energy to make it happen. Getting the old elbow to bend and sustain myself in these unpleasant moments just seems like self-abuse. I'd much rather be able to just let go of everything.

I know, I know. Feelings aren't facts. And: This too shall pass. But in the meanwhile, Feelings are f**d up and This is not passing soon enough.

To add oil to the fire, I have my period so I want to eat unhealthy things - but the progress for today is that I know they are unhealthy and I won't be surprised when I my stomach rejects them or makes me even more uncomfortable.

I'm just having a hard time getting my stable footing.

I'd been so long on my own, afraid to allow anyone close because he might see my defects, feel my anger, know my imperfections. And this guy seemed - no, strike that - he SAID, outright, that he could handle it all. That he didn't care my size or the number of rolls around the middle. He said he could handle the multitude of emotions and the various parts of my character. Spoke too soon.

I should have realized that three (or more?) other women could not have all been wrong - the common denominator was Mr. I'm Outta Here. When things got real, he got real quick about being elsewhere. And that's what he's doing now. I don't deserve to be treated poorly by anyone - not by him and certainly not by my own self.

I want to make good, nutritious and delicious food choices for my own body. I want - no wait - I choose to make good decisions for food and exercise. I choose to take care of myself, to love my SELF, and to appreciate ALL that I am.

No one puts Ceci in the corner (pardon the paraphrase). I'm amazing whether or not he can take it all in. I won't allow the emotional or mental abuse to be continued by him or by anyone. As my friend said: Think of it as practice. So, this was practice. I win the practice round because I can see where I can grow.

And, as Churchill said, "Success is going from failure to failure with enthusiasm." I'm gonna get my enthusiasm back!

Three attempts & deletes and I give up trying to comment as creatively as you journal. I was going for something with a tennis metaphor but threw in the towel. Your friend is right; consider him your practice before the real game. Darn, now I want to do a poker metaphor - you'll know which cards to play close to your vest before upping the ante and going all in. THEN AGAIN, you will be better experienced at identifying the 'player' versus the 'genuine person' on the next round and it won't be such a showdown of risk. Until then, keep putting Ceci front & center stage. She's your most valuable player and deserves the press above the fold. There, was that enough mixed metaphors from your friend just saying 'I read it, I hear you, I know it will take time but I also recognize you're a very strong woman and will not only survive this, you'll be victorious once you've healed.'