I was born a semi-diva. I married a redneck. Through the magic of osmosis or just because of a serious lack of sophistication over the years I have found a balance of the two that make me who I am today. And then I write about it all, much to the chagrin of my mother.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Festivus 2008

My mom's side of the family celebrates Festivus this time of year. We have taken the Seinfeldian holiday and added our own twists, written a set of by-laws that are strictly adhered-to and exchange tacky gifts. It's one of those nights where you wear a panty liner and make sure you don't have gas because all of the laughing is bound to make something accidental happen before it's all said and done.

Some background: Everyone age 16 and above, who are official members of the family by way of birth, adoption, or marriage, are allowed to participate in Festivus. Everyone buys/builds/constructs a tacky gift not to exceed $8.18. The gifts are placed anonymously in a recepticle outside the house where Festivus takes place. Depending on the year, even or odd, the order of gift-choosing goes oldest to youngest or vice-versa. Each person in turn chooses a gift from the recepticle and then the hilarity begins. After all of the presents are opened a winner is chosen by secret ballot voting and the winner wins the Turkey Award. The esteemed winner gets to have their name engraved upon the plaque and the plaque must hang in the winner's main bathroom for an entire year. There are many more intricate details that I won't go into in this post, but if you are interested you can email me.

This is the Official Gift-Holding Recepticle for 2008. The first year, the year we hosted, it was a gigantic black trash bag (does that surprise anyone?) and last year it was a huge box. Guess Cousin Courtney got all fancified this year with a festive red bag. Woohooo!

The gift I gave this year was a "Snoogie," a knock-off of the Snuggie (As Seen on TV!). I know Miss Wisabus will be proud of my gift, seeing as how she mentioned Snuggies in a post about buying Christmas gifts.

The Snoogie was a women's robe I bought at the Friendship House for $1 and then wrote a sheet of instructions on how to wear it backwards. There were also details on repercussions of wearing a Snoogie in public and risking getting the crap beat out of you and a disclaimer stating that wearing your Snoogie to a sporting event could very well cause your team to lose.

Everyone knew it was my gift because the sheet of instructions was a little long-winded and apparently, so am I. Who knew?

Cousin Courtney got a talking Tom Turkey, but when she pulled him out of the box his neck started oozing some freaky goo and he refused to talk. (I'd refuse to talk, too, if my neck was oozing freaky goo.)

So, being a resourceful kind of gal and freakin' hilarious, Courtney just held ol' Tom in front of her face and spoke for him, reading his phrases right off the box. As you can see from the look on my mom's face in the background, it was a riot.

Nonner thought Festivus was boring.

Cousin Kristina opened her gift and as you can see from the look on her face it evidently wasn't something she had put on her list for Santa.

Think about it - the holidays are brighter when your butt is itch-free.

Ah yes.... with my largely political family in an election year we were sure there would be political gifts. Sure enough - someone "personalized" a picture of the Bushes (by way of WiteOut and paste) to the lucky "Glenn Family Festivus Recipient". I find it no simple twist of fate that my Republican husband got it.

But the Republican gifted a hand-made Joe the Plumber ornament, which immediately was given a place of honor at the top of the tree by Cousin Chad.

Cousin Scott got some Farter's Underwear, which boasted a filter in the rear.

Of course, he modeled. And ripped them.

Ooh, what is being shrouded in that large white trash bag? The look on Mom's face is one of pure trepidition, is it not?

Anyone holding a trash bag at Festivus has every right to be trepiditious.

Cousin Courtney is a frequenter of the Friendship House in Miami. It holds a plethora of stuff not even garage sale-able and man, she hit the mother lode.

As soon as Mom pulled out this wicker duck Tater and I both exclaimed that a duck just like that one had sat on the back of an old school desk in our dining room when we were growing up. It had a plant in it. Mom's been getting rid of stuff right and left....one has to wonder if she ended up with her own wicker duck after all these years.

Being a shopper at Friendship House myself, I'm shocked I overlooked this little gem dandy. Pink Santa! Hooray!

Ooooh la la!

I hope she specifies this one for me in her will.

Since Gentleman hasn't joined the family officially by way of birth, adoption or marriage, he couldn't actively participate in Festivus, but he and Tater put their evil heads together and came up with a sweet gift, which I got:

A g-string made entirely of candy necklaces. Since they didn't make it in a size XXXXXXXL to fit my specific hiney, I chose not to try it on for fear the elastic would give and thus shower Cousin Courtney's living room in candy. However...my husband felt it necessary to model my gift.

That's right, folks, just call him Paul "Candy Pants" Hoover the next time you see him.

The air freshener on the butt floss was a thoughtful touch, I thought.

After the votes were cast and tallied, the winner of the Turkey Award this year was Aunt Janet who gifted the anal itch cream. It was a close race between the itch cream and the g-string, which makes me think that 2008 should be declared The Year of the Butt.

The winner gets to engrave their name and some other little saying or, at the very least, the name of their winning gift on the plaque. For instance, Cousin Keith won the first year and of course his was something to do with being #1. Last year Cousin Chad won with his blow-up sheep, so his placard reads "Ewe Can't Touch This." I suggested that Aunt Janet's reads "Funny, 'Butt' I Won" or something to that effect. Given enough thought one could come up with endless ideas for her winning statement this year. Last year I was robbed with my tampon angel ornaments coming in 2nd. I already have a nail on the wall in my bathroom in anticipation of someday winning the coveted turkey. Maybe 2009 will be my year. I have a year to plan...

We all left with headaches and stomachaches from the laughing and just like every year past, we declared this year to be the Best Festivus Ever. I don't know how we keep topping ourselves.

I just hope she didn't paint those walls that color on purpose.I did, however, notice a design flaw in the candy g-string. It's better to go with 2 straps, jock strap style. That way you don't have the butt floss thing going on. No one wants to eat candy that has been stretched over the starfish.

Strangely enough, it's all true.

I was born a semi-diva. I married a redneck. Through the magic of osmosis or just because of a serious lack of sophistication over the years I have found a balance of the two that make me what I am today. And then I write about it all, much to the chagrin of my mother.