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WELCOME

Welcome to the web version of Getting Sexy. PACE and Camden Primary Care Trust’s Good Sexual Health Team jointly published Getting Sexy in 2008, in printed form, for gay and bi men in London. It was funded by the health services in London as part of the London Gay Men’s HIV Prevention Partnership. We have now made this web version to enable it to be used by a wider audience. You can adjust the size of the document on your screen by clicking on these buttons in the top menu bar. Actual Size Fit Width

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Click on the plus or minus buttons to increase or decrease the size by increments.

For the exercises that involve writing, we suggest you print off the relevant pages or make notes on paper or in a journal. There is more advice about how to use the workbook in the introduction on the next page. We welcome any feedback you have about this version of Getting Sexy. Please email us at: groupwork@pace.dircon.co.uk

LISTENING TO YOUR BODY YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL SEXUAL RULES & REGULATIONS HEADING FOR THE PEAKS SUPERSEXY MANTRAS I LIKE IT LIKE THIS TUNING IN AND TURNING ON WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? RUNNING ON EMPTY? LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX BUILDING A SEXUAL ALLIANCE SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH SEXUAL GRIDLOCK THE ART OF COMMUNICATION YOUR FINISHING POINT COUNSELLING & THERAPY LISTINGS ABOUT PACE ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

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DISCLAIMER
Disclaimer: The information and exercises in this workbook are not tailored to your individual circumstances and do not constitute psychological advice to you as an individual. If you are in doubt about the suitability for you of an exercise or suggestion, we recommend that you seek professional advice.

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Getting Sexy, the third in a series of PACE workbooks for gay and bisexual men. The aim of Getting Sexy is to help you explore, experiment with and enjoy different aspects of your sexuality. We open with an exercise that reveals which aspects of sex you value most highly, and what that says about you. You might be surprised by what you find — and you could also get some ideas about developing your capacity to enjoy other aspects of sexual pleasure. PART 1 focuses on your sexual relationship with yourself. It introduces exercises that encourage you to get to know and accept your body and to learn what really turns you on. These are the foundations for really enjoying the sex you have — not just with yourself, but with other people too. PART 2 takes a look at getting sexy with casual partners. It introduces exercises that will help you learn to signal to a partner what you like — and to listen with your whole body to what he likes. If you enjoy casual sex but find it empty sometimes, there are ideas here for ways to make it more rewarding.

PART 3 explores sex in relationships. It builds on the communication skills introduced earlier and shows you how to break the sexual gridlock that can develop between partners. It includes exercises that will help you build the trust you need to explore new sexual territory together. Finally, there’s an exercise that encourages you to think about what you’ve gained from using the workbook, as well as a list of books and resources and information about organisations that offer counselling and workshops. You can work through the workbook from start to finish or just dip into it, doing the exercises that seem most useful. People often resist new ideas, and you may be tempted to skip some of the exercises... but why not step out of your comfort zone a little and give them a try? The more you do the exercises and experiment with what you find, the more you will get out of the workbook — and the more pleasure you will find in sex.

Have fun!

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WHAT ARE YOU LIKE?

Twelve years of running PACE workshops have taught us that gay and bisexual men experience sexual pleasure in many different ways. This exercise will give you some idea about where you put the focus in sex — and what really turns you on. Listed below is a selection of things that men say are important to their enjoyment of sex. Read them and choose the 12 that are most important to you.

Body contact Emotional openness Eye contact An impressive lover Smell & taste of a man Fantasies and role play Romance Skin against skin Caring and support His body weight on me Cleanliness and hygiene Passionate kisses

One way to think about sexual enjoyment is to see it as happening in different zones within you — in your body, your heart, your mind. When your main sources of stimulation and enjoyment are physical ones, you can say you’re body-focused. If you’re more heartfocused, your excitement, fulfilment and pleasure come from emotional contact with your lover. When your pleasure peaks from being stimulated by what you can see or hear, or by the thoughts you are having during sex, you’re more mind-focused. There is no right or wrong way to experience sexual pleasure. You may be very strongly tuned in to one particular pleasure zone, you may move between two of them, or maybe you get pleasure from all three. To find out what you’re like, find and tick your choices in the three lists here — the columns with the most ticks will show which zones are most important to you sexually. Then read the explanations and see if they make sense to you. You might discover under-used parts of your sexual self that you would like to develop in the future!

Eye contact Emotional openness Feeling loved & loving Feeling warm and close Mutual trust Romance Commitment to each other Caring and support

Talking lots An impressive lover Fantasies and role play Pleasing a partner Feeling I’m performing well Physical attractiveness Cleanliness and hygiene Looking at porn

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BODY
If most of your ticks are in this column, you’re really switched on to your body, and you enjoy physical sensations above all else. Some people believe that this is the best way to enjoy sex, because when you’re focused on what your body is feeling, you’re not distracted by thoughts or emotions — and you can be completely ’in the moment’ of enjoying sex. If physical sensations don’t seem to be the main thing for you in sex, it may be because you feel your sexual satisfaction and pleasure more in your heart or your mind. If you want to explore getting more enjoyment from your body, you can pay particular attention to the exercises in this workbook that focus on body awareness, such as Listening To Your Body.

HEART
If a lot of your choices are in the heart column, it takes closeness and emotional connection with a man to really get your juices flowing. For you, the truest satisfaction comes from a deep heart connection with a lover. It’s not always easy to find a partner who is open to this kind of sexual contact because, in life generally, men aren’t usually encouraged to show their emotions. But knowing what you really want is the first step towards finding it — so keep your loving heart open and see what comes your way! If emotional connection isn’t a great source of pleasure for you, it may be that physical pleasure or great ’mind’ sex are completely satisfying you. Or you may be protecting your heart for some reason, perhaps because of painful experiences in the past. If you do want to develop your heart zone more, try some of the exercises that focus on feelings and intimate contact, such as Let’s Talk About Sex or Sexual Gridlock. This might involve going further emotionally with a lover than you’ve gone before, which can be scary — but sexy too!

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MIND
If your ticks are mostly in this column, then your Mind is one of your most important sexual organs. Sharing role-play and fantasy can add a lot to sexual enjoyment, as can realising that you are really pleasing your partner. If your mind is busy during sex, it’s worth checking out whether it is helping you enjoy yourself — or getting in the way. Too much thinking, especially if it involves worry or self-judgement, can stop you enjoying sex. If that rings a bell for you, focus on the exercises that help you to challenge unhelpful thoughts, such as Sexual Rules & Regulations. If your mind doesn’t play a huge role in your enjoyment of sex, you may be satisfied with the pleasures you feel in your body and/or heart. If you want to develop the Mind aspects of enjoying sex, focus on the exercises that encourage you to think about sex and what it means to you, such as Heading for the Peaks.

There is another way that your mind can be useful during sex, and that is by keeping an eye on your sexual health and safety. To do that, it needs a sound knowledge of what is risky — but we know from research that some of us don’t have that knowledge and that some of us make assumptions about risk that are incorrect. For more on this, see What Are You Thinking? Getting to know the full range of your sexual likes and dislikes (and validating what works for you) is an important part of enjoying sex. It’s also useful to know what zones your lovers are switched on to — they may experience pleasure differently to you. Because you’re reading this workbook, chances are that you would like to enjoy sex more. You can do this by diving deeper into a zone that you already enjoy, developing a pleasure zone you’re not so familiar with, and by exploring how you can combine the needs, impulses and desires of all three zones. The BODY, HEART and MIND framework is highlighted throughout the workbook in order to help you think about the sex you have and what makes it so good (or not). 7

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Strange as it may sound, the first requirement for enjoying sex with other people is to have a good sexual relationship with yourself. When you really know your own body and your desires, and feel positive toward and comfortable with them, you are in the best position to be able to enjoy great sex with others. In this section there are exercises that will help you develop a more affirming relationship with your body. You will be encouraged to consider your beliefs about sex, exploring how you came by them and whether they’re useful to you as an adult gay or bisexual man. There’s also an exercise that encourages you to think about the best sex you ever had or fantasised about — which helps you understand what really makes you tick!

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LISTENING TO YOUR BODY

Your body is a pleasure machine, just waiting to be switched on. It contains billions of nerves that transmit sensations from every body part to your brain. You are like a complicated musical instrument — and if you know the right notes to play, you can feel the equivalent of a symphony moving through your every cell! This is an exercise to help you find out more about how it all works. Find a comfortable space, where you won’t be disturbed for at least an hour. Experiment with some of these ideas, and be guided by this principle: if it feels good, do it.

Try to imagine you are the first man you’ve ever seen or touched and examine your body from top to bottom. Touch, smell and taste different parts of your body. Experiment with different kinds of touch and pressure. Massage different parts of your body. Try touching yourself in the way that a lover would — sensually, not functionally. Take your time — experiment!

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Now, in the space below, write about the experience. How was it for you? What new discoveries did you make about your body? Did it confirm things you already know about yourself sexually? Were there any surprises? What do you want more of in the future? And what do you want less of?

Do this exercise a few times, experimenting and building on what you discover, to deepen your sexual relationship with yourself. Try using a mirror too, if you like. Put your focus on what works for you, rather than on what doesn’t. Be open to experiencing different things each time you do the exercise.

Now you’ve explored your body and the different ways you can give yourself pleasure, it’s time to look for some external stimuli. So visit a sex shop, have a good look around and maybe even chat to one of the assistants (they’re usually very friendly). Buy something you’ve never used before and take it home and play with it!

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YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
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...BUT MAYBE NOT IN EVERY SINGLE WAY Unsurprisingly, how you feel about your body can affect your enjoyment of sex. Many of us have issues about our body — we think we’re too fat, too thin, not muscular enough, too hairy, going bald, etc. It’s very common for us to have a critical and judgemental relationship with our bodies, rather than a loving and compassionate one. Think about your body for a few moments, and then, in the box below, write how you feel about various parts of it — include both positive and negative feelings.

Now look at what you’ve written and decide where to place your relationship with your body on the scale below.

CRITICAL & JUDGEMENTAL

NEUTRAL

LOVING & COMPASSIONATE

If you have put your mark closer to the Critical & Judgemental end of the spectrum, the chances are you have quite an active inner critic — who judges your body harshly. If your mark is nearer the Loving & Compassionate end, you probably have an inner good friend who

is kind and affirming about your body. Wherever you’ve put your relationship with your body on this scale, you can try to move it towards the Loving & Compassionate end. If you can achieve this, you will become more at ease with yourself physically — and that’s a very sexy quality.

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Here’s a 2-step exercise that will help you develop a more positive relationship with your body. Step One: CHALLENGE YOUR INNER CRITIC It may be that you’re so used to listening to the things your inner critic has to say about your body that you don’t notice them anymore or you think of them as facts rather than opinions. Most of us find it difficult to stop these critical thoughts completely, but it is possible to develop another inner voice — one that challenges the critic. Think about it — if you had someone following you around, day and night, saying aloud some of the critical things you say to yourself inside, you’d eventually tell them to shut up. It’s time to start doing this to your inner critic!

For example, you could say (either aloud or inside your head):

‘Yes, my teeth are crooked. But they’ve got more personality than a row of Hollywood fakes.’

‘Oh, shut up — some men find baldness sexy.’

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Step Two: BECOME A GOOD FRIEND TO YOURSELF When you look at yourself in the mirror, refuse to put your attention on what’s wrong, and focus (ruthlessly if need be!) on the good things about your body. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Find things that you like about your body. There’s beauty in everything if you are willing to look for it — yes, even in you! Practise telling yourself loving and affirming things about your body — either silently or out loud. For example:

Your inner critic may try to butt in, but don’t let it distract you. Ignore it, or tell it to shut up, and then get back to the task in hand. Sometimes, people are sceptical or self-conscious about this kind of self-affirmation. Accepting compliments can be difficult, even when they’re coming from other people. Accepting compliments from ourselves can be even more challenging, so try experimenting with different phrases until you find ones that actually work for you. Saying ’I am beautiful’ to yourself, when you don’t feel beautiful, is almost bound to fail. So bring the bar down a few notches, be generous with yourself and start with something that does feel true for you — notice the half of the glass that is full, rather than focusing on the empty half. When you have a positive view of yourself, you are more likely to be able to find a sexual flow. This means finding a quality within you that is easy, relaxed and able to be spontaneous and playful about sex.

Get sexy with yourself and see if you can drop into a flow, letting one thing merge into the next and following the things that excite, interest and work for you. Find something to appreciate about your physicality at every stage, and practise silencing your inner critic, if it pops up!

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SEXUAL RULES & REGULATIONS

Most of us have a set of beliefs about sex (about what we believe is good, wholesome or acceptable sexually, and what is bad, dirty or unacceptable) that we have been accumulating since childhood. Unsurprisingly, the attitudes of other people will have had an influence on your beliefs — children absorb many ideas, messages and feelings about sex and sexuality from the adults around them.

Remember that attitudes can be implied and opinions communicated without any words at all. For instance, was the TV turned off in your house when something sexy came on? Did your parents talk to you about sex — or did they give you a book? At school, did sex education touch on same-sex sex? If you were part of a religious community, what were its teachings about sex?

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Let’s decipher the implied messages contained in those actions/inactions. If something sexy on the TV was turned off, it’s likely that you got the message that: ’We don’t want you to see this (there’s something bad about sex).’ If your parents bought you a book about sex, a possible message you could have received is: ’Having sex is natural (we want you to feel ok about sex).’ If teachers tackled sex and relationships education without mentioning gayness, you could have heard: ’Gay love and sex isn’t a normal part of life (gay sex is wrong).’ This exercise gives you a chance to think about some of the messages you got about sex from the adults around you. Then you can chew them over and decide whether you want to keep them or spit them out. Think back to your childhood and try to remember when you first became aware of anything about sex. Use the boxes to jot down things that happened (actions, words, silences) and the messages you got from them.

ACTION / INACTION

MESSAGE RECEIVED

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Now go through your list and think about each received message in turn. Think about whether you agree or disagree with the message today, whether you partially agree or are not sure how you feel about it. next to those you completely agree with, Put a an X next to those you disagree with, and a ? next to those you partially agree with or remain unsure about.

Now, in the space below, start to write a new personal list of beliefs about sex — ones you’ve thought out for yourself, not just received from others. Start with the things you agreed with from your first list and add any others that you now believe are right for you about sex. Your own list of sexual beliefs will probably be a work in progress. As you encounter new sexual ideas and experiences, your thoughts and feelings about sex will develop.

e about sex what I believ

Write a letter to an adult from your past (as an exercise for yourself; not to send), telling them about the messages, helpful and unhelpful, you got from them. Say how you feel about the messages and how they have affected you as an adult. This can be a good way of letting go of outdated rules and regulations you have in your mind.

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HEADING FOR THE PEAKS

You’ve probably had some sexual experiences or fantasies that you think of as ’best-ever’. This exercise helps you discover what it was that made these ‘peak’ experiences so good. Take a piece of paper and write the story of one of your ‘peak’ sexual experiences (real or imagined) as if it is happening right now. Describe what happens, who’s involved and what you are feeling as it goes along. Now read what you’ve written, and, in the box opposite, write down the things that make the story so hot for you. Try to look under the surface to find the less obvious factors in the sexiness of your story. Use the following questions to help you: BODY, HEART & MIND: Which sexual zones feature most strongly in your story? WORDS: If there are words spoken in the story, what kind of words are they? If there are no words, does the silence add to your excitement? ACTIONS: Do particular things happen that really turn you on? What are these, and what is it about the action that turns you on?

FEELINGS: What feelings do you experience in the story — affection, anxiety, nervousness, sadness, joy, love, jealousy, anger, fear? RELATIONSHIPS: What kinds of relationships are in the story? Casual, committed, multiple, equal, dominating, submissive, taboo or some other kind? PARTNER CHARACTERISTICS: What are the particularly attractive things about your sexual partner(s) in the story? What is it that makes these characteristics sexy? TABOOS: Are there aspects of the story that are taboo? By taboo we mean things that are not generally approved of, or that perhaps even you don’t usually approve of. SENSATIONS: Do you have specific body sensations in the story? Are there parts of your body or other people’s bodies that are particularly significant in the story? TIMING & PACE: Is your story about a spontaneous moment, a carefully planned seduction — or something in between?

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things that make my story hot

Looking at what you’ve written will give you a pretty good idea of some of the things that intensify sexual pleasure for you. It’s important not to judge yourself for what you find. Most of us have some unconventional aspects to our sexuality — they make us more interesting! ABOUT FANTASIES: Sometimes fantasies can allow us to experiment with feelings and experiences that we wouldn’t want in reality, or that would be dangerous or illegal in reality. There’s no reason to feel disturbed by them. Because they are your fantasies, you are in charge of them — you can explore, change or stop them at any time.

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And having a fantasy doesn’t mean you have to act it out. In the same way that you are in charge of your own fantasy, you’re also in charge of your own sexual behaviour — you can control what you do sexually with other people. If, however, you are concerned about an aspect of your story, or you don’t feel fully in control of your fantasies or behaviour, you can always talk to a counsellor about it — and get some help to understand what’s going on (see Listings for information). Of course, this exercise is based on just one experience or fantasy, so there’s probably more to discover about your desires. Now that you’ve done this for one story, you can keep these questions in mind as you think about and have other experiences.

Use this exercise as a springboard to help you develop the kind of sex you invite into your life. Create different looks each time you go out. Go to different venues. Flirt and play with people in different ways.

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The term ’casual sex’ can mean anything from a few minutes with a stranger to ’no-strings’ or ’fuck-buddy’ relationships that can become very intimate and last for years. These days, there is a huge range of casual sex possibilities out there for you to explore and enjoy. This section helps you support and affirm yourself when you’re going out for casual sex. It has exercises about how to communicate what you want to a partner, and others that help you learn to tune in to what he wants. Sometimes men tell us that they can find casual sex ’empty’ or ’unsatisfying’. They wonder why the men they meet don’t seem to want to make much connection with them. If you want to connect more with the men you meet, you’ll find some ideas here for ways to do that.

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SUPERSEXY MANTRAS

Many people focus on external aspects of attractiveness: clothes, bodies, hair and looks. Although these can be part of why we fancy someone, they’re only one part. The other parts relate to the internal qualities that a person has. Two people can look exactly the same on the outside, but, if they have different internal qualities, you could find one much more attractive than the other. The evidence for this is all around you. Just think about some of the people you’ve had sex with, and some of the non-physical qualities that made them attractive to you.

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Or, next time you’re out in a gay space, have a look at some of the men in couples. You might think you can see what attracted some of them to each other — but for others, it can seem a complete mystery. That’s because internal qualities are really important in creating a sexual spark between two people. And this is as true for casual encounters as it is for romance. The empowering aspect of this is that, however you feel about the way you look, you can do a lot to enhance your attractiveness by working on your internal qualities. Whether or not you’ve been blessed with a pretty face or great shoulders, you can still develop your pulling power. Good self-esteem is one internal quality that is always sexy. Whatever their outward appearance, people who genuinely feel good about themselves are very attractive to others. So, it’s time to develop your inner sense of self-worth — it’s time to get super sexy! One way of doing this is to think of some affirming things to say to yourself when you are getting ready to go out cruising. They need to be simple mantras that will help you feel good about yourself,

share the best of yourself with others, send out a confident, relaxed vibe, and keep your pecker up — even in the face of a lack of interest or rejection from others.

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Remember the ’inner critic’ we spoke of earlier, who undermines us with harsh judgements about our bodies? Well, these affirming mantras are a much-needed contrast to those critical messages that many of us give ourselves — mostly without even noticing. You can think of these messages as a tape that you play constantly, as if they’re on a loop. You can change that critical tape to a supportive and encouraging one — and start changing the way you feel about yourself as a result. If the critical messages make us feel bad about ourselves, the reasoning goes, the approving messages can reverse that. Here are a few examples to get you started. Read through them and then add a few others that are tailored to your personal confidence-building needs.

GETTING READY MANTRAS
(for when you’re looking in the mirror)

‘Hi gorgeous!’ ‘There’s someone out there for you tonight.’

MAKING A MOVE MANTRAS

‘I’m an attractive man, with a lot to offer.’ ‘The next warm smile is just around the corner.’ ‘I’ve survived many things in life, including no thanks.’

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HAVING SEX MANTRAS

By determinedly keeping your focus on your supportive mantras, you can maintain you own feelings of self-worth, as well as sending out a positive vibe to others — and it doesn’t come much sexier than that. If you get stuck or it seems a silly thing to be doing, try some of the mantras we’ve suggested above — just for one evening. See what effect it has on your sexual selfconfidence.

‘I’m OK, you’re OK — let’s have sex!’ ‘My body was made for me to have fun.’

some mantras of my own

‘I look great!’ ‘Enjoying sex is my mission.’

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I LIKE IT LIKE THIS

When you’re having sex, how do you let your lover know what you like? How do you signal if you want something a bit more or a bit less? Or over to the right a little? Harder, softer, stronger, slower? It’s a generous thing to let your sexual partners know what you’re wanting, and yet many of us tell them hardly anything — even though experience should tell us that it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the oil! There are two steps to signalling what you like: STEP ONE: Listen to yourself (to your BODY, to your HEART and to your MIND) while you’re having sex with someone, and keep a connection with what’s working for you and what you’re wanting. This connection is important because what we feel and want sexually varies from experience to experience, partner to partner and moment to moment. If you don’t keep a connection to yourself, how will you know what you are feeling and what you want?

STEP TWO: Practise different ways of signalling what you like when you have sex. Experiment with the whole range of direct, indirect, verbal and non-verbal communication to say the same things. Try some of the following: Shifting your weight or a part of your body slightly away or towards the action; Smiling, saying yes or making appreciative or encouraging noises; Frowning, saying no or making discouraging noises; Gently moving his hand, head, cock, leg, etc to where you’d like it to be; Taking charge and moving the action on to something else; Coming straight out with it: ’I don’t like that’ or ’I like it like this’. It’s good to get the right balance between being direct and indirect. Being direct can reduce the chances of being misunderstood. After all, one person’s encouraging groan could be another’s signal that it hurts.

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On the other hand, you can communicate a lot with a small movement or a soft noise. Experiment! Don’t get too hung up about misunderstandings, they can be amusing opportunities for getting to know someone better. Wherever possible, it’s worth putting the focus on what you do like and do want. It’s OK to say that you don’t like something, but it doesn’t help your partner get a sense of what to do instead. And it can be dispiriting for him if you are criticising what he’s doing without signalling what you would like him to do.

Spend a whole day practising asking for what you want. If you don’t normally do this, you may find it hard to think of things to ask for, but persevere. Experiment with asking in both direct and indirect ways. Don’t stop if you get a ’No’ — keep making requests and see how often you get what you want.

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TUNING IN AND TURNING ON

It probably wasn’t just Casanova’s looks that made so many people want to have sex with him. It’s more likely that he got so much sex because he knew how to pay attention to his lovers — because that is the key to making your partners very, very happy indeed. And if your partners are happy, they are likely to want to make you happy, too. How much attention do you pay to a partner? Do you ’tune in’ to him, with your ears, eyes and body? Do you respond to him according to what you ’hear’? What kind of ’relationship’ do you develop, even if briefly, while you’re together? If these questions seem a bit alien to you, don’t worry — you’re not alone. It’s rare for people to really pay attention to others. In conversations, for example, most of us are thinking about what we will say next rather than really listening to what the other person is saying. The same can be true in sex, where, unless we make a bit of an effort sometimes, we can be over-focused on our own pleasure and not notice our partner.

While there’s nothing wrong with a quickie where you’re both just ’getting your rocks off’ without much interaction, there’s probably a lot more sexual enjoyment available for you if you want to go looking for it. Most of us are not really aware of just how different people are. We use a shorthand way of understanding other people — we tend to assume that everyone is just like us. We imagine they have the same tastes, prejudices, hang-ups, desires and even erogenous zones. Actually, individuals can be very different in what turns them on and gets them off. So be aware that just because something feels good to you, it won’t necessarily feel good to other men. And guess what? The things you’re not so thrilled by, somebody else probably loves. Think about a couple of men you’ve had sex with and write in the space opposite what you know about their sexual likes and dislikes. What did they seem to enjoy, and what were they not so into? Would you say they were BODY-, HEART- or MIND-focused?

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man 1

man 2

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One of the best ways to find out what your partner likes is to use your senses to ‘tune in’ to him while you’re having sex. The next time you have sex with someone, at some point in the proceedings, keep your focus on him and try some of the following: Be open to him being different from you, as well as similar; Be willing to be surprised; Play his body like an unusual musical instrument. Get feedback from noticing: His breathing; The noises he makes; When he quivers with pleasure; When his excitement seems to subside; His eye contact and facial expressions. Remember, especially if you’re excited or nervous, your perception of what is going on for him might not be accurate. You could always check it out with him later and see what you got right!

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WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

Being clear about what you want sexually isn’t just about pleasure and desire. It’s also about knowing what your ’bottom line’ is (which sexual activities you have decided you will and won’t do, and in what circumstances) and feeling able to stick to it when you’re having sex with someone. There is an exercise in Getting Ready that is helpful for exploring your thoughts on this further. While you’re making these decisions, you need to have accurate information about which sexual activities are risky for the transmission of infections, particularly HIV and hepatitis C. And it also helps if you’re aware of the misconceptions that men sometimes have about sex, risk and relationships. In 2006, the Medical Research Council funded a study that asked gay men who had recently become HIV-positive about their feelings, beliefs and behaviours regarding sex and HIV and risk — and looked at how these had contributed to them becoming infected.

The study found that some of the men had thought they might be immune to HIV, because although they had had risky sex in the past, they had always tested negative. In reality, they’d just been lucky, rather than immune (Insight Study, see page 57). Another finding was that some men had had unprotected anal sex because they wanted to feel emotionally closer to their partners. These men felt that using condoms got in the way of feeling really close and intimate during sex, and their desire for intimacy was stronger than their fear of HIV. But physical closeness is only one kind of intimacy — there are other ways to get inside someone’s skin, even when you’re using a condom. There are some ideas for how to do this in Sometimes When We Touch. Some of the men in the study said they’d become depressed or had low self-esteem, and that this had led them to feel unable to assert themselves or to lose control in their sexual encounters. Others reported alcohol or drug use as a factor in their risk-taking behaviours.

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Finally, a number of men had a range of inaccurate ideas about risk. Some thought that: being the insertive (top) partner in anal sex was safe (it isn’t); if you only have unprotected sex occasionally, it’s less risky (it isn’t); you could tell by the look of someone whether he was positive or not (you can’t); because they didn’t do drugs, had few partners and weren’t into hard sex, they weren’t the ’type’ of person who gets HIV. (There is no type of person who gets HIV — just types of activity that can lead to transmission. Chief among these is penetrative sex without a condom, whether you’re top or bottom.) We know from psychological research that sometimes we tell ourselves what we want to hear, whether it’s true or not, in order to do something we really want to do. Are you sure that all of your own beliefs and perceptions about sex and risk are correct? Were you surprised by anything you read here? Are there gaps in your knowledge about HIV

and STI transmission? If you have any areas of concern or uncertainty, it’s easy enough to find the information you need and get some help to make sense of it. Write a letter to yourself in the space opposite, detailing your own thoughts about HIV and risk, highlighting anything you’re not sure about, anything you tell yourself that might not be accurate and any concerns you have about the sex you’ve been having. If there are areas of concern or uncertainty, make a plan in the letter for how you will tackle them. This might include: calling THT direct (0845 122 1200); talking to a health adviser at your local GUM clinic; getting help from PACE, THT or GMIP around sexual health, low self-esteem or depression; getting some help from Antidote (see Listings) or another agency on your drug and alcohol use; or getting a copy of the booklet Good Sexual Health (see page 60).

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RUNNING ON EMPTY?

For some men, casual sex is exactly what they want — it fulfils their needs and they come away feeling satisfied and ready to move on to the next thing in their life. Other men say that casual sex sometimes leaves them confused and empty — or even feeling bad or ashamed. If you sometimes feel like this, it may be worth thinking about what you’re seeking in sex, and whether casual sex can meet your needs. For example, some people enjoy impersonal sex. They like the directness, immediacy and earthiness of getting it on with a stranger. Something about the impersonalness of this sex is what turns them on, and sex in a back room or cruising site can often satisfy this need. There is a good fit here between the need or desire and the kind of sex on offer. But sometimes the needs we bring to sex aren’t automatically met by the kind of sex on offer. For example, most people need social contact, affection and respect in order to feel good about themselves. If we don’t get these needs met in other parts of our life, we

may bring them to our casual encounters in the hope of getting them met there. Sometimes these needs do get met in casual sex, but just as often they don’t. It depends on whether there is any personal contact in the sexual encounter. By personal contact we mean open, friendly communication. If you are seeking more personal contact in casual sex, there are a number of ways you can encourage it to happen. You can use you BODY to show that you are open to the other person, interested in them, up for hanging out or chatting after sex. For example, at the end of an encounter in a sauna, don’t get straight up and leave the cubicle. If you want a bit of personal contact, indicate this with your body by settling in, rather than getting ready to leave. Open your HEART a little, by sharing something about your inner world — what you’ve been doing, feeling or dealing with. Then ask him what he’s been doing — most people love a chance to talk about themselves. You may find that you end up having a real conversation.

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Use your MIND to notice things about him that you can ask about, like what his accent is or what that tattoo means. And humour can help, too — sharing a joke can be a bonding experience. It’s a good idea to be light and friendly — and not too attached to a particular outcome. Be open to seeing where the conversation (and the sex) flows.

One of the reasons casual sex can feel empty is because people don’t risk being friendly to each other in sex venues — they play it cool. Try a bit of friendliness next time you’re cruising and see what happens. You may be pleasantly surprised.

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Sex in the context of a relationship is a whole different ball game to casual sex. That’s because your sex life together is affected by other things going on in the relationship. The plans you make together; who does the most washing up; feelings left over from the row you had last week — all of these can have an impact on what goes on sexually between you. This section helps you develop skills for communicating about sex and other issues with your partner. It includes a practical exercise that helps you explore new sexual territory together while respecting each other. It gives you the opportunity to practice relaxing, going with the flow and exploring something different.

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LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX

When was the last time you talked with your boyfriend about your sex life? For most of us, it’s not something we discuss very often. As with many subjects that involve our emotions, couples can form an unspoken agreement to keep away from it. The cost of not talking about your feelings about important things (like sex) is that the feelings can go underground and affect the relationship in negative ways. Talking about what you are feeling and wanting brings things out into the open, where they are much easier to deal with. And talking with your boyfriend about sex is a really good way to keep the sex alive. Getting What You Want (see page 60 for details of how to get a copy) included an exercise called The Daily Temperature Reading (DTR). The DTR can help you share your feelings and develop your intimacy with your partner, and is a really effective way of keeping communication flowing in a relationship.

This next exercise is a sexual DTR, in which you keep the focus on sex and directly related issues. Set aside some time (30 minutes, say) with your partner and make sure you won’t be interrupted. Taking it in turns, work through the five topics below, with both of you speaking on each topic before moving on to the next. Focus on being respectful, honest, loving and generous towards each other as you do this. APPRECIATIONS Tell each other what you like about each other sexually and the sex you have together. Hearing these things from your partner is important, and helps you feel good about yourself and the relationship. See if you can share three things you appreciate about each other. Just listen and accept these statements from each other, don’t get into a conversation about them. ’One of my favourite things is the way you smile at me sometimes in the middle of sex.’

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NEW INFORMATION This is an opportunity to share anything new that you are realising about your sexuality (maybe as a result of doing some of the exercises in this workbook). Again, just listen to each other, and don’t get into a discussion. It can wait till after the exercise. ’I’ve realised that it makes me anxious when we don’t have sex for a while. I get a bit insecure and I worry that you’re going off me.’

PUZZLES This is a chance to ask any questions you have about the sex you have together — about things you are confused or just plain curious about. In this section, the listener can give short answers — but you should save any longer discussion for later. ’You know when I’m fucking you and you close your eyes? I sometimes wonder where you go in your mind.’

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REQUESTS FOR CHANGE Both of you will find some aspects of your sexual relationship less than perfect. Hiding your feelings about these things doesn’t usually help to change them. But if you make a clear request for change, your boyfriend may be open to it. Hearing Requests for Change from your partner can be very difficult, especially if you think loving someone means never telling them what gets up your nose! However, when you sensitively let someone know what you’d like to be different, it can enhance your intimacy. As before, just listen to each other’s requests. Afterwards, you can think about what’s been said, alone or with a friend, and see if you can respond constructively. You don’t have to agree to what’s been requested, but your partner will feel valued and cared for if he knows you have really thought about his request. ’It usually seems to be me who initiates sex between us. I’d really like you to start it off sometimes.’

WISHES, HOPES & DREAMS Your sexual wishes, hopes and dreams are an important part of your relationship. They reveal how you want to develop sexually. When you share them with your partner, there’s more chance that, together, you can make them a reality. Sometimes it’s just the sharing that is sexy, and they don’t even need to be acted on. ’I’d like us both to get tested and, if we have the same HIV status, talk about not using condoms in the future.’

Once you’ve done the sexual DTR a couple of times, do a hands-on DTR in bed with no clothes on — and let it evolve into whatever takes your fancy.

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BUILDING A SEXUAL ALLIANCE

What do you do if your boyfriend doesn’t want sex when you do? Or if he wants something sexual that you don’t want? Do you try and persuade him? Withdraw in a bit of a sulk? Do you give him what he wants, but end up feeling a little used? Do you laugh it off? Or change the subject? Dealing with differences about how often you have sex and what you want sexually can be difficult because strong feelings (for example: embarrassment, hurt, rejection) are often involved. This exercise helps you build an alliance so you can explore sexual frontiers together, rather than fight about or avoid them. You build trust and rapport by staying open, respectful and sensitive to each other’s wishes. If you relate to each other this way, you will learn to trust that you won’t be pushed further than you want. Paradoxically, this may help you to relax and be open to experimenting with new things.

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Ask your boyfriend if he’s up for doing this exercise with you. If he is, then set aside some time to do it together. (If he’s not, respect his wishes, suggest another time or let it drop for now. This might be frustrating, but it’s better in the long run for you to hold this frustration than put lots of pressure on him. Come back to it in a few days, and explain why you’d like to do the exercise together.) Decide who’s A and who’s B. Person A lays down and closes his eyes. Person B gently puts one hand on a part of A’s body. A focuses on the feelings in his body and if he likes the feeling of B’s hand there, he says “Yes”. If he says “Yes”, B keeps his hand there for a few moments, and then gently moves it a few inches — going slowly so that A gets to respond to each step. If A doesn’t like the feeling of B’s hand somewhere, he says “No” and B moves his hand back to the last “Yes” place on A’s body, and continues from there. If A isn’t sure if he wants to say “Yes”or “No”, he can say “Maybe”. If he says “Maybe”, it’s a signal

to B that A isn’t sure how he feels about B’s hand being where it is, but he’s willing to go with it. B should be particularly sensitive here — as he is helping A to explore and experimant with the edge of his comfort zone. After 10 minutes, switch roles and repeat the exercise. B, who is now the person being touched, might not respond in the same way that A did. That’s fine — it’s important that B focus on himself and what feels right to him. When you’ve finished, share your feelings about the experience with each other. Use these questions to talk it through: How was it for you? What surprised you? What was it like to use the words Yes, No and Maybe? What was it like hearing and responding to those words? Did your partner’s feedback make you feel good, bad or indifferent? How did it affect the feelings of closeness between you?

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You can develop the exercise in various ways, including: Doing it naked; Starting fully clothed and letting B start gently removing articles of clothing from A; Introducing massage, and the words more, less, harder, softer; Using other body parts instead of your hands to touch; Doing it as part of having sex together.

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SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH

...CONDOMS IN RELATIONSHIPS For some men, using condoms feels completely normal and easy and doesn’t interfere with their enjoyment of sex in any way. Other men, though happy to use condoms for casual sex, want to stop using condoms within their primary relationships. This desire for condom-less sex can have many strands. Firstly, there’s the purely physical — many of us like the sensation of being inside someone, or having someone inside us, without a condom (BODY). Added to that, sex without a condom can symbolise emotional closeness (HEART) and trust and significance (MIND) for many men. These desires and beliefs can mean that men who form relationships sometimes stop using condoms without finding out first whether they are HIV-negative or -positive. It is thought that a significant proportion of HIV infections among gay men are acquired in this way. Couples who want to stop using condoms need to think, talk and test — and then make an agreement based on what the tests reveal and what they feel able to commit to. The booklet Agreements in Relationships can help with this. (See page 60 for details of how to get a copy.) If you and your partner both test negative, you can make an agreement to have condomless sex inside the relationship and to protect each other by not taking any sexual risks with others. This could mean, for example, agreeing to always use condoms for anal sex outside the relationship, or to not have anal sex at all outside the relationship, or to be completely monogamous. If you know or discover that you are both positive, much the same applies. But you might want to be especially careful not to pick up STIs, especially hepatitis C, which can complicate your treatment — and there is also a small risk that you could re-infect each other with your different strains of HIV. Your HIV doctors and health advisers can help you weigh up the pros and cons.

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If you know or discover that one of you is HIV-positive and the other HIV-negative, condom-less sex is not a safe option for you. For some couples, this can be a major frustration, a cause of sadness, a loss that needs to be acknowledged. Happily, there are other ways to deepen intimacy and emotional closeness during sex (see overleaf). Whatever your HIV status, and whatever agreement you reach together, it is important that you discuss what you will do about slip-ups. Research has shown that when men have had this discussion, they are much more likely to tell their partner when they do slip up (by breaking their agreement or having a condom fail, for example). If this happens (and you have the same HIV status) you can go back to using condoms until you can re-test and be sure it’s safe to stop again.

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UNPROTECTED EMOTIONAL INTERCOURSE We looked earlier at the results of the Insight study, which found that many recently infected HIVpositive gay men had a number of beliefs and feelings that had contributed to them taking the risks that led to their infection. Among these was a belief that using condoms shows a lack of trust and prevents intimacy. In fact, sex can be intimate or not, whether penetrative or not, depending partly on our willingness to be emotionally open with our partner and to allow him ’in’ and ourselves ’out’ in a variety of ways. Whatever you decide about condoms, you can experiment with unprotected emotional intercourse. This involves taking down some of the layers of emotional protection we put up. This can make you feel vulnerable, but being vulnerable with a lover is a good thing — in fact, it can be very sexy. For instance, try sharing eye contact while you have sex. This can feel strange at first, because of the intensity. If you need to, ease yourself in with just brief moments of eye contact during sex.

Intimacy also comes from honestly revealing our private thoughts, feelings, fears and fantasies to another person, and being listened to, accepted and respected for doing so. This includes opening up about the relationship you are in, and what excites, frightens, worries or angers you about it. So another intimacy-building idea is to tell each other what you are experiencing and feeling moment by moment while you have sex (i.e. report your train of thoughts, sensations and feelings). Try not to think too hard — just say what is true in the moment of you speaking. The things you say probably won’t all be lovey-dovey. That’s not the point of it. It’s the honesty and immediacy that is sexy and intimate — as well as challenging sometimes!

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SEXUAL GRIDLOCK

Sex and relationships therapist David Schnarch has coined the term ’sexual gridlock’ to describe the often painful situation that arises when sex becomes rare or completely stops in a relationship. Many people believe this is an inevitable part of a long-term relationship. The good news is that Schnarch disagrees, and he has developed a model of how to get it started again. Looking again at the BODY, HEART and MIND framework, Schnarch believes that in ongoing relationships the body doesn’t function independently of the heart. If the relationship is not functioning well at the heart level, one or both partners will stop wanting sex. His remedy is for the couple to be more honest with each other at the heart level — about whatever is causing the barrier. On the face of it, the issue may seem to be nothing to do with sex at all. This can be uncomfortable and scary to explore, but it’s worth it, because it enables the sexual flow between you to begin again.

Talking about issues that have come up between you is like weeding the garden. It seems inevitable in any relationship that weeds grow between you. If you don’t sort them out, they will take over the garden and choke all the nice things that are growing. But if you do the weeding regularly, by talking about issues when they first emerge, your garden will keep blooming. See overleaf for tips on how to do this.

If you’re feeling sexually stuck in your relationship, try sprinkling some threeminute sexy moments into your day. Agree this idea with your partner, and then be spontaneous, playful, and imaginative in creating these sexy moments — but don’t let them last longer than three minutes. This allows you to enter into the experience without the pressure of taking it further. Try this for a couple of weeks and see what effect it has.

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THE ART OF COMMUNICATION

Here are some pointers on how to develop good communication. It’s also worth looking at Getting What You Want, which has several exercises and more guidelines that can help you develop these skills. Be open and honest about the issue as you see it. Use assertive, not aggressive, language. Then ask your partner how he feels about it and listen to him. Try to be open and not defensive about what he is saying. Summon some goodwill, even if you are in the heat of an argument. Respect, care and goodwill when things are difficult will pay off in the long term. Learn how to reassure and soothe yourself if you are anxious. Or seek reassurance and soothing from friends, family, a counsellor — rather than only from your boyfriend. Hold on to your own perspective when you’re dealing with a conflict or difficult issue. Be clear with yourself (and then with your partner) about what’s important to you about the issue, and don’t compromise unless it really works for you.

Be flexible. Check out with yourself what the different options are for resolving this issue. Sometimes we can get too fixed on a particular outcome. Try to find a win/win solution (where you both get something you want — as opposed to a win/lose solution, where one of you doesn’t). See a couples counsellor together. The couples counsellor will act as a guide and referee as you develop the art of honest communication.

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YOUR FINISHING POINT
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Having worked through Getting Sexy, it’s time to take stock of what you have gained from the experience. Use this box to write some notes. Here are some questions to help you: What are the three main things you remember from doing the exercises in Getting Sexy? What effect do you think these things will have on your sex life? What steps will you take next towards developing your sexuality and sexual activity? What help or support might you need from others? (See Listings on pages 56 – 57.) Is there anything you’ve not accomplished from working through Getting Sexy — something that you’d like to keep working on?

COUNSELLING AND THERAPY

You can do a lot of this kind of work on your own, with your partner or with friends. Many people, however, find it helpful to work with a trained counsellor or sex therapist when they want to get to grips with sexual issues. These days, there’s much less of a taboo about getting support. After all, it’s just like using a personal trainer or coach, but for your sexual and emotional life. WORKING AS AN INDIVIDUAL You can work as an individual in: one-to-one counselling or sex therapy; by joining a group; or by doing a workshop. Any of these will give you an opportunity to reflect on yourself and your sexuality and behaviour in relationships in a safe and respectful environment, away from your boyfriend or friends. WORKING AS A COUPLE Alternatively, if you’re in a relationship, you can work together with a couples counsellor or sex therapist. The advantage of this is that

he/she can help you understand the dynamics of your relationship, give you homework assignments and help you practise new ways of relating with each other. For free, short-term, individual or couple counselling on sexual health matters, contact GMI Partnership, which offers services at different sites across London (see Listings). If you are looking for a private individual or couple counsellor or sex therapist, try meeting a few practitioners. Ask them about how they work, and check that they have a gay-friendly approach and what their training is on sex and sexuality. For more advice on finding a therapist, see the following links: www.pinktherapy.com (Go to Resources/Choosing a therapist) www.bacp.co.uk/information/expect.htm

PACE was established in 1985 in response to a need within the lesbian and gay communities for a counselling and training agency that was genuinely responsive to the needs of lesbians and gay men. Since that time PACE has grown in size and now provides the following range of services: Workshops for gay and bisexual men Counselling for LGBT people Employment coaching and support for LGBT people Lesbian and Gay Family Support Mental Health Advocacy Youth groups for LGBT young people Training for staff and organisations on HIV, Sexuality and Diversity GROUPS & WORKSHOPS: PACE has provided workshops and groups for gay men since 1989. These workshops address psychological and emotional factors contributing to gay men's sexual health, and are facilitated in a relaxed, friendly and participative style.

The workshops explore the areas of selfesteem, communication, assertiveness, relationships, sex and HIV. They offer opportunities for gay and bisexual men to talk about issues and concerns with others, take time to consider personal implications, gain insight and information about factors affecting their lives and develop communication and other inter-personal skills to improve the quality of their relationships. The workshops are facilitated by qualified and experienced professional groupworkers who draw from a range of therapeutic research, theory and practice. Workshops usually take place over a weekend or once a week for eight weeks. info@pace.dircon.co.uk 020 7700 1323 .www.pacehealth.org.uk ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tim Foskett is the Groupwork and Training mananger at PACE. With Alfred Hurst, he has led the PACE Groupwork Programme since 1995. Tim is an accredited group and individual psychotherapist and has a private practice in North london.

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Thank you to: All the gay and bisexual men who have participated in PACE workshops, particularly the ones about sex! Your openness, thoughts, dilemmas and sharing have helped to shape the content of this workbook considerably. Carolyn Partrick for her consistent, creative, informed and passionate style of writing and editing this workbook. Steve Edwards for his relaxed, collaborative style and fantastic design and illustrations. David Shenton for his witty and inspired cartoons and his flexible approach. Corolo Films, Mark Glenn and Mark Oliver for permission to use their photography. To other colleagues in the Good Sexual Health Team at Camden PCT for their valued assistance. The PACE groupwork team, Dennis L Carney, Kam Dhillon, Alfred Hurst, Anthony Johnson, Sanjay Kumar and Micheál O'Ruiarc, and our supervisor Gaie Houston. The PACE administrative team and particularly Lyndon Nurse who does a sterling job coordinating our workshop programme. Maggie McKenzie at Spectrum and all the staff there who have contributed to the development of the Spectrum Sexuality Programme, which has influenced much of what is contained in this workbook. Andy Saich, Kai Ehrhardt and Thomas Lohmann and the rest of the team at Gay Love Spirit for their work in promoting erotic skills development with gay/bi men. Alfred Hurst and Charles Neal for valuable input and help drafting and editing various sections of this workbook. Dominic Davies and other colleagues at Pink Therapy for their help and ideas with aspects of this workbook.

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GETTING SEXY

Published by PACE and Camden PCT’s Good Sexual Health Team, 2008
Photography: Mark Glenn and Mark Oliver for Corolo Film and Video Limited Camden PCT’s digital assets Printing: Face Communications facecommunications.co.uk Models: All photographs posed by models. All models are aged 18 or over. Thanks to all who took part.
No part of this booklet may be reproduced without permission.

For copies of Getting Ready, Getting What You Want and Getting Sexy, contact PACE on 020 7700 1323, or download pdfs from their website: www.pacehealth.org.uk. And you can download pdfs of these and all the other booklets mentioned in the text from www.gmfa.org.uk/booklets

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How was it for you? We really welcome your feedback on Getting Sexy. Please email all comments to: groupwork@pace.dircon.co.uk. Thank you.

Getting Sexy is the third personal development workbook for gay and bisexual men produced by PACE in collaboration with Camden PCT’s Good Sexual Health Team. The first two, Getting Ready and Getting What You Want are still available, and the exercises they contain are a good grounding for the exercises here. For information about how to get copies of any of the workbooks, see page 60. Praise for Getting Ready and Getting What You Want: ‘‘The content is great — by far the best I’ve read in a long time.’’ Dr Séan Cummings, Freedomhealth ‘‘...a really useful workbook. The text is accessible... and your warm tone encourages the reader to try different ways of thinking and relating.’’ Dominic Davies, Pink Therapy