Real Housewives

Hamptons, here we come! You guys. I love the Hamptons. And I love the Hamptons on Bravo. The last time we saw the New York hotspot, the RHONY ladies were battling over dueling brunches and wearing lots of sweaters. Now, the ladies of Beverly Hills are heading there to celebrate Lisa Vanderpump's Bella Magazine cover and Kyle's pop-up shop. But first, a packing montage! While Portia's gleefully watching Kyle deal with collapsing clothing racks, Lisa Rinna is headed to Philadelphia to promote the Lisa Rinna Collection on QVC.

Meanwhile, Erika is packing for her performance at Chicago's Gay Pride before meeting the women in the Hamptons. While Mikey Minden and her assistant essentially pack her plethora of costumes for her, Erika gives Mikey the low-down on the rumors surrounding the validity of Yolanda's illness. To the newbie, calling anyone's illness into question is not something a friend should do, and she calls for more compassion and mercy from the other 'Wives. In fact, she'll be stopping in Cleveland on her way home from the Hamptons to pick up Yo post-surgery in one of her TWO private planes. That's right, the Girardis have a little plane and a big plane.

Lisa Vanderpump is packing too. (So much packing in this episode!) However, while she's deciding on what white and pink dresses to load into her luggage, Lisa has a much more pressing issue to talk about with Ken: Kim Richards was arrested for attempting to shoplift $600 worth of toys from Target. What?? When this news broke over the summer, I was completely shocked. I mean, Kim had just finished three months in treatment. What in the world is going on with her?? A stunned Lisa calls Kyle, who is rightfully devastated and so emotional that she can't even talk through her tears. Kyle explains in her confessional that she first heard about her sister's arrest when it was reported on TMZ. At the time, she and Kim weren't even on speaking terms, so the situation threw their already-fragile relationship into even more turmoil. Lisa points out that the family drama has reached a point where she thinks Kyle needs to focus on taking care of herself first and handling the chaos second.

After Eileen and Vince bicker over a $500 dress (is it just me or does Vince come across as constantly grouchy this season?), Yolanda - the only 'Wife not going to the Hamptons - is getting ready to go under the knife in Cleveland. So much Ohio this season, am I right? Like who knew it was such a popular place in Beverly Hills? Yolanda jokes that after the surgery, she'll be a boobless, toothless, brainless wonder, which is exactly what David thought he was marrying. It's so uncomfortable watching scenes of David and Yolanda knowing now that their relationship was circling the drain during filming. In particular, seeing David grope Yo's breast during the car ride was a little stomach-turning. However, it won't be the worst thing we'll see by episode's end. Not by a long shot.

Erika, rocking a va-va-voom leopard print dress, convinces to take a break from conquering the legal world to meet for a quick lunch at The Palm. Seriously, I'm obsessed with that dress. While they're sipping on iced tea, their meal is interrupted by the chief of police coming to say hello. Being a Girardi means you have friends in high places within the community, and Erika points out the legal world is a very small circle. (Tell that to Making a Murderer.) Once Tom leaves to go back to the office, Erika chows down on a giant piece of chocolate cake and calls Lisa Vanderpump to let her know she won't make it to the Bella party because she's performing at Gay Pride in Chicago. Signing off with a playful "talk to you later diva," Erika shows yet again that she can go toe-to-toe with LVP in the sass department. I must say, I'm really loving this girl so far.

Next we get a quick (and kind of random) juxtaposition between Lisa Rinna hawking her clothing line at QVC in Philadelphia and Yolanda going through pre-op procedures with her explant surgeon, Dr. Feng. Lisa Rinna is in hog heaven in the QVC warehouse as she rubs elbows with fashion giants like Dennis Basso (who designed the bridesmaids dresses for Nicky Hilton's wedding) and legendary designer Isaac Mizrahi. Meanwhile, Yolanda says FaceTimes Gigi in Australia and says goodbye to David. The explant surgery ends up lasting for over seven hours, as Dr. Feng talks through the procedure with cameras and Daisy the health advocate in the operating room. Apparently, the leakage was so bad in that silicone granuloma had developed all the way up to her clavicle, under her arm and deep in her chest cavity, creating a constant immune response in Yolanda's body. Easily the worst part of this package was seeing Yo's bloody implant laid out on the table after it had been removed. Definitely not something I needed to see. But I used it as a visual in this recap to have it burned in all your brains anyway.

The other ladies finally arrive in the Hamptons for the small cast trip of the season, but Kyle and Eileen don't exactly receive the warmest welcome. After taking the red eye from LAX, they discover that the hotel the magazine has put them up in is the "hottest nightclub experience in Southampton," complete with nonstop music starting at 9 a.m. and partying by the pool right outside their rooms. On top of that, there's no room service or restaurants open. As I said while I was live-tweeting the episode, loud partying till 4 a.m. plus no food does not equal a relaxing vacation in the Hamptons. So, before Lisa Vanderpump even arrives, Mauricio has come to the rescue with a gorgeous house the ladies can rent for some peace, quiet and relaxation. Naturally, when Lisa Vanderpump arrives and discovers they've bailed on the hotel, she is none too happy. I don't quite understand why Eileen left a handwritten note at the front desk instead of just, ya know, shooting Lisa a text, but I do understand why they wanted to find a more comfortable place to stay.

Once Lisa Rinna arrives after spending five hours in bumper-to-bumper traffic from Philadelphia, the ladies all throw on their best white looks and head to the Bella party to celebrate LVP's cover. Upon their arrival, Lisa Vanderpump confronts Kyle, Eileen and Lisa R. on the red carpet about ditching her at the hotel, but none of them are budging. And if LVP thinks they are being "high maintenance," maybe she should think back to all the times in the history of the show that she's complained about travel accommodations (Italy and Puerto Rico to name just a couple). Once the ladies grab cocktails and sit down, conversation turns to the situation with Kim. Clearly it's a sensitive topic that Kyle doesn't want to discuss, yet the 'Wives (particularly LVP) seem hellbent on bringing up Kim's issues at every turn. An exasperated Kyle tries once again to shut down the conversation surrounding her sister, explaining that she hasn't talked to Kim but of course is trying to do what she can to help. Lisa V. continues to press the issue by citing the $600 worth of toys, and Kyle quickly jumps to defend her sister, saying that she clearly was not of sound mind during the incident. Kyle ends the episode by questioning in her interview whether the other women want her to start bringing up all the topics they don't want discussed. Seriously, how about having a little more respect for a sensitive and hurtful family matter in Kyle's life...

Next week, more fun in the Hamptons and a Housewives crossover event with Bethenny Frankel!