Oni the Lonely-3

Again a long way home but I don’t mind I take one of the hover trains. It’s fast but considering the distances you have to travel here in Ark City it’s almost one of those perfect rides.

I get a scalded milk and heavy black tea latte to drink on the ride. I love the train sometimes, most of the time even the city trains I can just zone out and let go and watch the city and life slide by.

It’s late around 9PM when I get home with a sigh. It was home but that’s changed. I know I should have or maybe sold it but I’d never get another place like this one.

I loved Lace but she left me and I was here in this place before we got together.

It’s really empty in here now though.

I start to put things away. It’s like I said stuff to cook with spices and such like my sweet hot pepper sauce you can buy it canned or go to where they cook the peppers down in palm sugar, mango and coconut milk. Good garlics, I use three different types and fresh wasabi, pickled gingers, preserved lemons and all those good things. The other stuff I can get here locally.

I’m actually feeling like eating something for the first time in awhile so I put on some rice then take out some chicken thighs bone out and put them down shin side down and let them fry. Then some home made sweet chile paste, five or six cloves of garlic and some red miso paste, a diced red onion too and let it cook. I drain the rice, then take the chicken out then add the rice. I’m making Japanese payaya. It’s a good dish. I stir the rice in the stuff in the pan and the oils adding in some pickled ginger thinly sliced and pickled red onion also sliced really thin then the chicken goes back in and I add some chicken stock with a few strands of saffron in it and let the whole thing cook on high for like five minute before taking it off the stove top and putting it into a medium oven.

See you want the rice just to start to burn get crispy and brown and the Spanish flavors mixes with the Japanese ones and become something really good. In the oven you just let it go until the liquids reduce then turn off the heat.

It’s good hot or cold but best just medium warm then the rice firms up. It’s sorta like a casarole done in a frying pan. I don’t add the shellfish though, it’s just me eating it.

I know it’s bad for you for about a dozen reasons but I plate some up and of all things I’m eating it with Hindi Naan bread but I’m not sitting and eating I’m holding my plate and walking around and just trying to well honestly I don’t know.

Where do I go from here?

Start over but start over where? I don’t mean leaving geographically but where do you go back in the rewind of life.

Do I even rewind?

God, I over eat. I tend to do that when I’m like this. Rice is a comfort food to me and it’s just not a Japanese thing. I just grew up with it and trust me. I can put a really mean dent into mashed potatoes or a baked potato or three.

Carbs…with the energy I burn off as a psi not a big problem but gaining weight from a break up is just…

And I’m saying this while eating a jumbo snickers bar for dessert while sitting behind my computer and start going over my stuff. I’m dumping and redoing all my social networking stuff.

“Hi my name’s Aerin and I’m a loser.” I say to the screen as I delete the stuff on My-Verse and Tropes, and a few other things. I just…I just really don’t want Lace creeping on me…she left me. It’s bad enough that she’s Brandon trained and could spook on me if she wanted to try that.

I restart the accounts up with the screen name of Jessie Whitefox. Whitefox is a play on my codename at work and Jessie is short for Jessica. It’s my adopted name…a name I’ve never really used.

I go from that to getting into waaay too much coffee and cranking my tunes up and start ordering stuff online. If I’m going to start over then I’m starting over. New furniture, appliances, and a whole lot of stuff I never bought but wanted to and held off because Lace would think it’s just gauche or stupid.

She wasn’t abusive but it was just…

Every time I tried to be myself she said things or just gave off the feeling that I was being….stupid…childish.

So it’s really not worth opening up is it?

It’s really not safe out there for your heart.

I really, really abused my credit cards.

On the plus side the places I’m ordering from have 24/7 hours and delivery. I’m still up and wired for sound when things start arriving.

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There is so much anger and hurt in this. Breakups can be horrendous affairs and this one sounds like one of the worst. Anger at them, and anger at yourself while all the time fighting the tears. At the same time, she's a meta and her losing it is not a pretty picture.

I loved the line about 'rewinding life'. The logic is just so obvious - go back to the last time life didn't suck and this time turn left not right and see what happens. Trouble is, we turned right and even if we rewind back we'll still know we went right and we won't be the same person we were when we had the original choices in front of us.

Looking forward to seeing how Aerin / Jessie tries to take her life forward now.