NFL Draft 2017: Rating the War Rooms

It’s Draft Night, which means we’re gonna spend a lot of time arbitrarily grading college players AND the teams that end up choosing them. In the long run, those grades won’t mean jack shit. But know which grades will? MY MERCILESS EVALUATION OF YOUR TEAM’S SHITTY WAR ROOM. Dozens of team staffers will spend their entire weekend locked in these rooms, and you’d surprised how unpleasant the bulk of them are. Have a look for yourself.

Cleveland Browns

God, this is just the saddest room. It’s like they got all their decorations at Michaels. They couldn’t even get a room with windows. I feel like I’m in jail. What’s with the big orange closet? Is the corpse of every QB to play for Cleveland locked in there? I bet the whole joint smells funny. GRADE: F

San Francisco 49ers

Ugh. Horrible. Even Jim Tomsula wouldn’t set down his hobo bindle here. Everyone looks so bored. And look at the ceiling! Those are grade school tiles and lighting, man. There’s no way you’d be able to think straight after three days trapped in that coffin. I’d end up drafting Fred “The Hammer” Williamson in my delirium. GRADE: D

Los Angeles Chargers

Cincinnati Bengals

Oh my God, they stuck a war room in the goddamn bullpen! Dave in accounting was just about to have a sandwich at his desk when BOOM! Instant war room! This may literally be the only room at Bengals headquarters. Marvin Lewis probably has to work from a little stool over in the corner. They don’t even have draft board up. All they have are two sad bulletin boards. I guess this is the place to go if you want to select a used mattress. And it gets worse!

This Random Bears Fan

I’m not sure there’s enough Bears merchandise here. Maybe my man could paint the ceiling fan dark blue as well. I’m scared. People have clearly been murdered here. I wonder if Chris never uses that elliptical trainer, or if he exercises like a madman all weekend long in order to stay alert during all the hot draft action. Still beats the Bengals war room, though. GRADE: C+

Pittsburgh Steelers

New England Patriots

This is pretty much what I expected. The Pats war room is very spare, and airless, and devoid of anything resembling pleasant amenities. I bet Belichick treats his war room like one of those drug rehab facilities located in an unfinished Knight of Columbus basement. You ain’t in Malibu, kid. You are not there to have fun or to relax. You are there to WORK. No days off! Only the grittiest, scrappiest workspace will do. GRADE: D+

Philadelphia Eagles

Okay, this room sucks but at least it’s got a big-ass draft board that wraps around the walls. I bet you feel like a GOD moving those names around. Oh, did you get caught smoking weed during the combine? Sorry, young man, but I guess I’m going to have to vaporize your future. BOOM! Now you’re working the watch counter at WalMart. That’ll make you think twice about your life choices! GRADE: C

Jacksonville Jaguars

This is actually the Jags’ war room in London, which is a vast improvement over the team’s actual war room from four years ago, which was a less a room and more an abandoned Amazon fulfillment center. GRADE: B-

Buffalo Bills

You know, this isn’t as depressing a war room as I would have expected from Buffalo. I expected the Bills war room to be located on a sheet of ice and made of stacked, frozen, dead trout. But no! No, that looks like an actual, properly insulated room and NOT the sort of Arctic holding cell that would compel a man to draft EJ Manuel. The logo-embossed chairs are a nice touch. I also like how there’s one table for the heavy hitters, and all the pissants have to sit facing it. WATCH US WORK, YOU WORTHLESS LOSERS! GRADE: B-

New York Jets

Again, this one completely subverted my expectations. I assumed the Jets chose draft picks while hanging out behind a Secaucus grease dumpster, but no! No, that’s a big boy war room, complete with Apple store décor and faux Aeron chairs that haven’t even broken yet! I’m impressed. This must actually be the Giants war room, and the Jets get to use it between the hours of 3am and 5am. GRADE: B

Dallas Cowboys

OH FUCK YEAH. Now we’re talking. This room has Jerry Jones’ fingerprints all over it. I guarantee he cornered the architect and was like NOW LOOK HERE SON I WANT BIG FUCKING SCREENS! AND A BIG FUCKING TABLE! AND I WANT IT LOOK LIKE I’M THE HEAD OF AN ALIEN FEDERATION YEEEEHAWWWWW! Man, I bet Jerry serves good conference room food, too. I bet you can get a whole smoked brisket and then put it on the city’s tab. GRADE: A-

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