What Do I Really Want to do in/with My Life?

By Christina Kim - Wednesday, March 25, 2015

I stumble and I fall.

I rose and I cheered.

I despair and I cry

I rejoice and I laugh

I had always thought I knew just exactly what I wanted in my life.

I had it all planned, and mapped out even at a tender age when other
children my age would probably be anticipating their favorite TV shows or even
to steal a bite from that much fantasized chocolate ice cream, on a cone stick
(always on a cone stick).

I knew what I would love to do, albeit having moved on from one
ambition to another, but they were still part of the great master plan and even
the contingency nets which I had laid out for myself to fall back on; just in
case.

I am always such, a careful person.

One thing I never learnt to understand was that things are not meant to
turn out the way we intend them to, not every single time. We are not the great
masters of the universe, and I definitely am not.

Things change with time; we call them evolution.

I pride in myself for knowing exactly what I wanted in life, and worked
out my plan towards the goal, and I worked hard.

Yes, I wanted to make sure I was on the right path to achieving my
goals; All of it, I am an ambitious
one.

I placed my full focus on my studies, it was the very foundation
towards the realization of my dreams after all (where is one to go or even
think of doing anything without knowing how to read or write, even at the very
basic level?) .

I did well in my studies, yes, I made sure I aced my papers, and I kept
going, pushing myself and raising my own bar along the way.

I developed my sense of pride, yet at the same time I was kept at the
edge of my seat; dealing with the anxiety to do better while maintaining what I
had come to achieve. I did not allow myself to even slide and failure was a
word that never existed in my dictionary.

(possibly the reason why I could never accept or handle failure)

It was a seemingly well laid out plan, or as it appeared to be, but
then there was something else in the stars for me.

I did not fail; no, but things, let’s just say, did not turn out as
well as I intended to, and as I reach that crossroad to make that decision, it
did not seem to be quite something that I was so confident or sure about
anymore.

It is hilarious really, because it seemed that overnight, I was someone
so full of her own ideas and her expectations in life and then I became unsure.

All those hard work over the years towards this, and then I just
thought, “Nah”?

Well, of course there were many other factors which influenced my
decision but it was real, I walked away from something I thought I had wanted
all those years.

Was it because I did not know what I wanted?

Was it because I was indecisive?

Was I just plain afraid?

Was I clueless about my own expectations?

Was I dreaming of castles in the air?

Was I just plain, unrealistic?

These were questions that plagued my mind as I turned back and looked
at my own decision and the road not taken back then.

At that point, I could say that I was a little lost.

I felt like a lightweight feather, and suddenly, I was carried by the
wind, floating in the air in whichever direction the wind could blow.

It was inexplicable, I just felt a little lifeless yet at the same
time, so light, that it seemed that I had no body mass whatsoever. In fact, I
felt like almost nothing, except that my mind could tell me that, so I could
not say that technically.

I could not put it to whether it was of joy or of immense
disappointment, because to be frank, it seemed like I felt nothing. Of course
it started with disappointment but as it progressed, the feather-like feeling
just seemed to dominate the rest of me.

Had I been too hard on myself?

Was I really focusing on the right thing?

Question after question continue to plague me, and that sense of no
direction left me in a kind of lurch where I just did not know how to move to
the next step.

It all seemed surreal to me.

I was full of confidence, I was that girl who always knew what she
wanted and worked towards her goal.

It did not seem quite like me when I was unsure.

I could not even bring myself to utter simple words like “I don’t know”

Was I too proud?

Maybe.

Was I complacent?

Perhaps.

Life went on, of course, and I picked myself up very quickly to move
on.

(I couldn’t really well just let myself go to waste right? If I could
not handle failure, I definitely cannot handle being a bum myself).

The few years were a blur, but I still did well (that striving spirit
and the need to achieve factor kicked themselves right back in) and I have gone
on to experimenting with many different things in my life.

I can’t say I have seen them all yet, but it was definitely a long way
deviating from my original direction I had planned for myself.

Surprisingly, I did not feel much despair or even regret (okay, maybe
just a tiny weeny tinge of “what if” sometimes) because I felt that everything
happened for a reason.

My life went in a different direction by chance, or perhaps it was
destiny?

I gained life experiences in a totally different area, or areas, and
they may just be the reasons I am who I am today.

Age has also been that factor which knocked some sense into me (well,
somebody’s got to do that nasty job to knock my head once in a while) and I see
my life in a totally different light.

It would have been very different had I trudged on that original path,
of course, that’s a given, and it would be a completely whole new dimension
over there.

There are always the good and bad in everything, it could have been a
perfect world on the other side too, but it didn’t mean the path I am on is all
bad either.

It could have been a disaster on the other path, and it may not have
been a bed of flowers on my current path as well.

All I’m saying is, things happen for a reason.

Perhaps I was never meant to take that path (I could do horribly
there?) , but it remains a mystery since it will always be that path that I
never took.

Perhaps I was always destined for my current path, and this wondrous
journey which is expanding itself into the many branches all the way had
definitely enriched and enlightened in many ways I would not have imagined back
then.

This is the path I have taken, this is the path I am on today.

I am who I am because of this path, and because of all the things I
have encountered and learnt while I was taking my steps on this road; all of
which shaped and moulded me into what I think and how I behave today.

I continue to learn, and I believe that there are many more to come and
who knows, the paths may change or cross at some point in my life, or new paths
may continue to emerge?

Besides, this path have also been a blessing, with the many great and
inspiring, not to mention wonderful people I have met and left their lovely
marks in my life.

Like I always say, Life is a Journey and it is one that I will continue
to travel and ride, enjoying that every moment as I do.

I will no longer beat myself up for that road not taken, and somehow I
have closed that door behind me and it seemed as though it’s disappearing in sight
from that distance, dissolving as I move further and further away from it.

I am on this path now; one that I will relish and smile in anticipation
for what unravels next.

Life is a journey, and Cherish the present, and be hopeful for the
future.

The past remains the past, and something which will always make that
history or story of our lives, and who we were.

Who I am going to be, will be something I can take a chance on to
decide and make that difference if I want.

It is all in my hands, tomorrow is not just a mystery, it can be my own
doing as well and I look forward to telling my story, and failures, sometime in
the future.

(Yes, failures are no longer scary, though still intimidating, but I
have dealt with it and accepted them as the very ones which contributed to that
strength embedded in me, little by little with every single encounter).

So What do I really want to do in my Life?

I know what and how I want to live my life, while continuing to search
for a greater purpose, but I no longer want to do everything at once.

Once in a while, I would like to enjoy that little thing called mystery as well, and let nature take its own course in designing bits and pieces of my universe.

A journey is beautiful when enjoyed with every step and breath we take,
and will be meaningless when we rush through it.

Take some time to enjoy the scent of the flowers and the scenery while
we can.

Success is of course, still as important to me, but I don’t want to
miss any river spring or crystal clear water spouting from a small waterfall
either while I am on the road.