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June 11, 2009

Brotherhood of the Woefully Dim

"Hells bells, Trudy," I said to myself following today's episode of General Hospital (in order to celebrate my excitement over Mad Men's third season premiere being two months away, I have been liberally peppering my speech with quotes from the show. Well, mostly that quote. Because it is hugely versatile and fun to say). "Everybody on this show is HOPELESSLY STUPID."

Seriously, I was going to do "The Week's Most 'How the Hell Can You Walk Upright, and Without Supervision' Dialogue", but there was no way to decide which Port Charles denizen was the most dangerously dumb.

Nikolas: Yeah, I wanted you to hear this from me. Rebecca and Emily are twins. Alexis has the FBI documentation to prove it.

Lucky: Well, that explains a lot.

Nikolas: Yeah.

Elizabeth: Are we supposed to believe that she just happened to end up here?

Nikolas: She swears she didn't know.

Elizabeth: But that's ridiculous.

Lucky: Ok, what difference does it make? It's almost like we got a part of Emily back with us.

Yes, Lucky, it is almost like you got a part of Emily back. The terrible part, with the awful personality, and the fake deep voice and the makeup style of the Bad Girl #1 character in an After School Special.

Lucky: But why be all suspicious? Emily wouldn't.

REALLY, LUCKY? Emily wouldn't be suspicious that the twin sister sold at birth just randomly landed in her town, all the way across the country, and started mingling with her friends and family after lurking in hallways for weeks? Why is EVERYBODY taking this news in stride? Lucky, Nikolas and Monica are all like, "That's hilarious that you are Emily's twin and stumbled upon our little town. That 'It's a Small World' song was right on!"

Thankfully, Liz reacted to this poorly written story--oh, sorry, "bombshell reveal"--properly: with suspicion and blatant anger that she was sharing airspace with Lucky and Nikolas and their dumbness.

I especially love the last one, where she is plainly thinking, "Go ahead, respond to my cogent, logical argument with some inane comeback. I will cut you."

Those facial expressions clearly mirrored my own during the last two episodes (although mine were poor facsimiles of the above, as very few people in the world come close in matching Becky Herbst's expressiveness)...

What was with Ethan coming to Lucky's house, uninvited, making himself at home and then lecturing Lucky about acceptance and the awesomeness of Luke? I know that 90% of his dialogue since joining the show has been preaching the awesomeness of Luke, but this was a bit over the top, even for Ethan:

Lucky: The DNA results?

Ethan: Yeah, see for yourself.

Lucky: Tell our dad congratulations.

Ethan: You know, you could try congratulating me, too. It's not every day that I get to find out Luke Spencer is my father.

Learn how to read a room, douche! Who says that to their hostile, newly-discovered brother? "It's true, this TEXT MESSAGE* confirms that your father's stepping out on your mother resulted in my birth. How delightful! This is the greatest day of my life, knowing that the man who seems contemptuous of you, at best, and who fawns over me, is my real father! I wish you were happier for me."

*OMFG, who are they kidding with DNA results being delivered via text message? And without needing to enter a secure pin, or anything! I know that the fact that I continue watching this show says little for my intelligence, but I am not quite so stupid that I will buy that!

Why is Michael not seeing a therapist? He should be, right? I mean, he should have been years ago when he first started ordering hits, and he should be even more so now because he was in a coma for a year, but also, he flies into fits of rage (most notably when he is dealing with women: Robin, Carly, and Liz, now. Oh, this effing show) and, perhaps most seriously of all, is violently blasphemous:

He punched JASON! The holiest of all hitmen! He is obviously troubled!

It's true that trotting Lainey out would do nothing for the kid, and it would probably be more therapeutic and beneficial for him to speak aloud to a potted plant, but there are other psychiatrists in the world, and I am sure that the powers-that-be would relish the opportunity to hire a new actor while weeding talents like Rick Hearst and Megan Ward from the cast...

Mayor Floyd: Brianna and Iwere in an embrace in the shower. It got athletic. She hit her head. It was very painful.

Seeing how that story went after a promising beginning, I am wary of expressing any positivity about this latest story with Mayor Floyd and his mistress, or even entertaining the thought that it may stay good. I will cautiously say that I really like the way Kimberly McCullough, Jason Thompson, Nancy Lee Grahn, Lisa LoCicero and John Bolger have been working together, and I look forward to seeing Martha Byrne in action with them, and I, of course, look forward to a hospital based story, but I refuse to get excited about this, lest it blow up again in my face.

Special props to John Bolger for being so hilariously shady and doing his best Eliot Spitzer impression. I eagerly look forward to seeing GH rip from Law & Order's ripping from the headlines with this. Will Floyd get his own hilarious nickname, like Spitzer being titled the Love Guv? Oh, I hope so. The Player Mayor has such a nice ring to it!

Lulu, blessedly, was the voice of reason during the inane Maxie/Spinelli/Kate drama that I don't fully understand, probably because I can't pay attention to those scenes in their entirety. Remember when Kate was awesome? Misty water-colored memories...

Lulu: Ok, I get that Kate is unfair, but that's a tradeoff for having this job. You love this job. You've said before that this is the only thing that you've done right.

Maxie: That was before Spinelli, and he's taught me to have faith in myself and trust my unique thing that Ibring to the table. I mean, if Iwas able to impress Kate enough to get this job, then I'll probably impress her replacement enough to keep. And you, too. We're kind of like a package deal.

Lulu: Right. But that's the part that you're not getting. If he exposes Kate and she gets replaced, any good editor-in-chief will come in with their new assistants, ok? If you want to stay in fashion, you'll probably have to move to Manhattan or London or Paris.

Distressingly, Maxie has been, like, a never-ending parade of adorably dressed stupid these days. I blame Spinelli, frankly. I don't know how much longer I can take the sick Maxie/Spinelli mutual admiration society about being better people and trusting their souls and whatever other babble they plagiarize from Grey's Anatomy before I seriously hurt myself from rolling my eyes.

Claudia, don't worry if Kelly can't find your baby's heartbeat. That doesn't necessarily mean the baby is dead, it may just mean that Kelly's a moron. After all, she never realized that Maxie was pregnant with a PILLOW.

Comments

Liz is the best. I totally love her. I am not sure why the haters always try to make a selfless act like carrying a child for someone into a negative thing. She wasn't selling her child. She was loaning her womb. That is a good thing. She clearly is the current owner of the one brain in Port Chuck.

However, being a surrogate for Courtney and Jax is just plain WRONG! Courtney should never reproduce, and I pray there isn't a head bopping eye shadow loving version of her returning to PC any time ever!

Liz has never been too bright when it comes to improving the balance in her checkbook.

-Surrogacy for Courtney

-Secretly taking money from Nikolas behind Lucky's back

-Taking money from Jason and never telling Lucky and making even Nikolas lie about it really coming from Jason

-After divorcing and moving out of the Spencer home she rents or buys a big furnished home with no obvious sign of new income.....HMMMM?

Totally LOVE Liz, she gives the best bitch face around and I only wish they let her do it more! LOL

Elizabeth is the classiest character on GH! I love watching her and I really adore it when she's with Cam!

I hate to say it but I also wish she would go to a better soap... she would totally rock anything she was in but I'd love to see her on Y&R which actually does great SL's.. unlike the current mess on GH...