"As soon as you realize everything's a joke, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense."--Alan Moore

Monday, July 29, 2013

Lo Hai Qu on Lo's New Blog for Millennials!

Ever since she won a Poodle for her “The Death of Wine Critics,” Lo Hai Qu has been insufferable.

She’sconvinced
Hollywood is going to make a film about her life starring Justin Bieber
in the title role. It would be his second role portraying a woman, the
other being his entire life. She’s already started writing the
screenplay. It’s about her life in servitude organizing my wine cellar,
and is entitled “House of Racks.” I told her Russ Meyer made that film,
but the allusion was a bust. But in order to get her off my aching back,
I’ve agreed to once again turn over HoseMaster of Wine™
to her so she can express her thoughts about wine. I’m sure she
expects, at the very least, to win another Poodle Award, if not a James
Beard Award, or a Pritzker. I told her that the Pritzkers are for
Architects, but she said she was sure Cambodians could win as well.
Which may be true, but she’s not even Cambodian. Anyway, here she is,
the one, the only, Lo Hai Qu.

First
of all, let me say that this blog is stupid. I don’t understand hardly
any of the stuff the HoseMaster is talking about. And who the hell are
these supposedly famous people he’s always making fun of? Tim Fish?
Who’s he? I have no idea, but when did he say goodbye to his partner.
Mr. Chips? He’s always making fun of Alice Feiring. I asked my girls if
they ever heard of her. Nope. But they all guessed with a name like
Alice she was either really old or a dude. And then there’s some Heimoff
maneuver guy, and 1WineDoody, which is what was in my panties after I
drank some Lodi Petite Sirah and had to fire off a Lo-flying rocket. The
whole thing doesn’t make any fucking sense.

So, come on, ask
yourself, why would somebody decide to start reading wine blogs? Duh. To
learn about wine. I’ve been reading this lame blog since I started
working here, and what have I learned about wine from the so-called HoseMaster of Wine?
(fuck that ™ thing, what does that stand for, Tiny Manhood?)—zip, nada,
zero, Bublé. Who reads this crap? Best Writing on a Wine Blog? It’s not
even the Best Writing on the Head of a Pin. It’s the Best Writing by a
Pinhead, though. HAHAHAHAHAHA, you been Lo-balled, HoseBoy.

Me
and my friends decided we would start our own wine blog. We’re going to
make a wine blog just like one we want to read, and with a lot of cool
pictures of us like photo-bombing winemakers, or posing with really big
bottles of wine (one of the biggest ones is called a “Meshuggenah” and
was named for some crazy old Jewish king—so, like an ancient Harvey
Weinstein), or hanging with cute guys working in tasting rooms. And it’s
going to have lots of good information about wine so that when other
Millennials read it they’ll learn not to be scared of wine. There’s
nothing to be scared of. One thing I’ve learned here, for sure, is that
there can’t be very much to know about wine. Look at the comments
section! Yeah, those are some smart people... And I’m Yao Ming’s dental
floss. You mostly just have to tell everybody you’re a wine expert, and
they believe you! That’s how wine blogs work. People are fucking stupid.
Like they watch America’s Got Talent and believe that Howie Mandel and
Heidi Klum know about talent. Which is like saying you know what
diarrhea feels like when you never had it. HAHAHAHAHAHA, Howie and Heidi
got Lo-Botomized!

Me and my friends are going to call our new wine blog Lo on Wine.
Get it? Yeah, I know, it’s perfect. I’m gonna be the one who writes the
wine reviews. At first, I’ll just steal wines from the samples the
HoseMaster gets. That’s easy. He’s mostly drunk all the time. And then
he talks to his little white thing. I still don’t know why he calls it Jay Mac. So I already wrote my first wine review! Here’s a preview!

MÉNAGE Á TROIS 2011 WHITE WINE $10

This
is three different whites blended together, like a Mormon wedding. It’s
got Chardonnay and Chenin Blanc and Muscat Alexandria. I’ve heard of
one of those grapes, and it’s not the last two. Or is it the last four? I
thought Chenin Blanc was one of Beyoncé’s backup singers, the one with
the booty that looks like a Honey Baked Ham franchise. White wine all
tastes the same to me. Like it’s all fruity, and smells like the inside
of your fridge. This was good, but I think I’d rather die than drink it again, really, really good, like sex with two other people at once.

See!
A little bit of education, and then some honest tasting notes. Oh, man,
we are going to get a million samples. Especially with that new ending.
Fuck, I almost blew that. No Jay Mac jokes! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, his dick got
Diss-Lo-Cated!

We’re going to get a million hits a month on Lo on Wine.
I won a Wine Blog Award! With my very first post! Who’s ever done that?
So everyone is going to want to read Lo on Wine. We’re gonna have lots
of regular features too. Like my friend Shizzangela, she’s this really
hot white chick, and we’re going to take pictures of her that will
illustrate how wine is made! She’s not afraid to be pretty naked, and
she has like these amazing tattoos. Millennials think tattoos are hot
because nothing says hot like drunken sailors. So one idea is to have
one of the guys wear a hockey mask and carry a chainsaw and pretend to
be sawing off Shizzangela’s legs and the caption reads, “Destemmed.” Did
I say Shizzangela is only wearing panties and two Dom Perignon labels
covering her nips? Tell me that won’t get a link from Eric Amazon. And
then we’ll have a regular feature about all the different grapes and
we’ll just copy the text from that Janice Robinson book. You know,
really, one of the best things about my generation is we don’t think
plagiarism is any big deal. Got us through college, what’s so bad about
that?

So now you won’t have to read this stupid blog any more. All the wine stuff you want to know will be on Lo on Wine.
Like information you can use, and cool photos and links to all the
other cool Millennial blogs out there. I even have my first sentence
written!

16 comments:

Hi Lo, (ha ha, geddit?)Your blog is super-cool. If you and your (strikeout)young female(/strikeout) friends would like to come and (strikeout)pose naked(/strikeout) learn all about winemaking in my winery, do contact me whenever. I'm sure you would enjoy the hands-on experience. (strikeout)I certainly would.(/strikeout) :)

Hey Gang,I'm afraid I'm pretty smitten with my intern Lo Hai Qu. She's my favorite character of all time. I get an irresistible urge now and then to be her--it's blogger transvestism.

I love the idea of my Voice, the HoseMaster, writing her Voice. The whole concept amuses me. And probably only me. I couldn't resist building her a website of her own. I'm kicking around the idea of reviewing wines there, in her voice, of course. What do you think? Could be fun to review the kind of plonk reviewed all over the Intergnats by Poodles inundated with corporate crap. Lo would have some great insights and recommendations, I'm sure.

Gonna let the other spuds..or common taters comment but I can't help but giggle when you say fuck. Reading you Ron Washam, makes me happier than it probably should but I shan't let that stop me from coming here to gobble you up. Love you so.

No, Russ Meyer is not still alive. I think I wrote about him as a customer where I worked as a sommelier in one of my Wine Essays. He was very old then, and sort of pre-dementia, but used to come in with some of his gigantic-boobed stars who were badly losing their battles with gravity.

Meaningless Awards

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About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine

"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."--Robert Parker

"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."

--JancisRobinson.com

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

--Robert Parker

"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."

--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."

--Steve Heimoff

"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."

--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences

"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."

--1WineDude

"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."

--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."

--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"

"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."