“He doesn’t let it faze him” – media find new way to brown-nose Terry

English football writers were this morning celebrating after the successful launch of a new means by which to praise John Terry without getting all tangled up in the mucky stuff.

Terry, euch, was drafted back into Roberto Di Matteo’s Chelsea defense as captain for last night’s Champions League defeat at Shakhtar Donetsk, despite currently serving a domestic ban for being all ALLEGEDLY racist to Queens Park Rangers defender Anton Ferdinand.

However, that unsavoury incident – not to mention one or two others that may or may not spring immediately to mind – is now no longer prohibitive to sucking up to one of England’s most prominent footballing figures, at least not if you convince yourself that it must have taken a lot of guts to captain his side last night in the midst of an excrement storm entirely of his own creation.

One total creep who writes for a newspaper you wouldn’t be seen dead with said: “Putting everything else to one side, but still sort of referring to it, if there’s one man who wasn’t going to be fazed by it all last night then it’s John ‘Lion of a Man’ Terry.

“The stoicism, defiance and good old-fashioned spunk that John ‘Lion of a Man’ Terry displayed in taking the armband last night shows what England will be missing forever more now that he has roared his retirement and hung up his St George’s cross-emblazoned mane.

“Look, the race is on to ghostwrite this man’s autobiography, and what a humdinger that’s going to be. I’m personally very excited by the prospect of getting to write the chapter where he romps with the French underwear model – in fact I’ve already written up a first draft which includes the words ‘throbbing’, ‘purple’ and ‘sweaty’ a combined 312 times.

“It’s enough to make your throbbing purple all sweaty.”

A chronic deadpanner who’d tell you that phone-hacking was “necessary” if you sat down for a beer with him said: “I heard John Terry makes an absolutely belting poached egg.”