Snotty McFee's Mother

by Vikki Petraitis, Copyright 1994

It was the beginning of September when Snotty McFee's mother
began to make trouble at school.

Snotty McFee wasn't popular. His sneezing habits had
something to do with it - who wants to be seen hanging out
with a kid who does gigantic sneezes all the time and sprays
everyone within a kilometre? But that wasn't all. Snotty
McFee had what my mum would call "social problems". He just
wasn't on the same wavelength as the rest of us - like if we
were talking about our favourite television shows, Snotty
would say really excitedly that his favourite show was
"Here's Humphrey". Or if we were talking about our favourite
sport, his favourite would be chess. As you can see, there
was clearly a problem.

Snotty McFee's mother made an appointment to see Ms
Sposato about nobody liking him. The whole class knows this
because Ms Sposato discussed it with Snotty when she got his
mother's note and we all listened in. After she spoke to
Snotty McFee, she sent him on a long message right around the
school and asked us to come and sit on the floor so she could
talk about him behind his back.

"Children," she said to us, "I want you to be extra kind
to Snotty McFee at the moment because he doesn't seem to be
able to find a special friend to play with."

"But he sneezes on us all the time..." called out Jane
Salpietro.

"Be that as it may," said Ms Sposato sternly, "it is the
responsibility of each and every one of us to make every
member of St Maria Goretti's feel like a part of the whole
school family."

It was hard to know what Ms Sposato meant when she talked
like that but I think she was telling us to play with Snotty
McFee. I decided to give it a go, so at playtime I asked him
to join in our soccer game.

He thanked me but he said his mother wouldn't let him play
soccer because he might hurt himself. I told him not to tell
his mother but he still said no. About ten minutes into the
soccer game the stupid grade fours came and started playing,
so we left the field and I bumped into Snotty McFee who was
standing by himself near the toilets. I asked him if he
wanted to walk around with us and he smiled gratefully. I
felt kind of bad because I didn't really like him.

When Jason McWhirter saw Snotty walking around with us he
said, "Wanna join our club, McFee?"

"What club?" Snotty asked. I got red in the face because I
saw what was coming.

"What do you have to do to... to... ah.... ahhhh....
AHHCHOOOOO! ....join?" Snotty McFee sent a wall of spray into
the air in front of him and Jason McWhirter dodged expertly.

"Say it, don't spray it, McFee!"

"Sorry," mumbled Snotty, "What do you have to do to join?"

"We have very strict rules and you have to pass the
initiation test."

Jason McWhirter was bursting with giggles as he explained
to Snotty McFee that to join the club, he had to pull down
his trousers in the middle of the school oval and sing the St
Maria Goretti school song. Snotty McFee blushed and ran his
hands around the band of his bottle green school trousers
that were, as usual, pulled up way past his middle. He told
Jason McWhirter that he didn't think he wanted to join the
club after all and then everybody started to make chicken
noises and telling him he was a girly Collingwood supporter.

Snotty McFee started to get angry and told everybody that
he wasn't afraid.

"Prove it," said Troy McKenzie who had joined the group as
soon as his sixth sense told him that somebody was going to
make a fool of themselves.

"Alright, I will!" shouted Snotty McFee above the chicken
noises. He walked purposefully towards the middle of the
school oval. Heaps of kids followed laughing and shouting and
we all watched as Snotty McFee, face as red as a tomato,
pulled down his trousers to reveal homemade tartan underpants
with a ladybird trim. His white dimply legs wobbled as he
sang the school song at the top of his voice. We were
laughing and cheering so hard that we didn't notice Ms
Sposato, who was on yard duty, walk up to see what the crowd
was looking at.

Snotty McFee was just getting to the school song chorus -
the bit about representing your school with pride and courage
in the face of adversity, when Ms Sposato yelled at the top
of her voice, "Snotty McFee! Pull up your pants!"

Snotty McFee tried to grab his trousers which had lodged
themselves firmly around his chubby ankles. He jumped around
as he pulled but unfortunately Snotty went toppling over onto
the grass and the crowd went hysterical. Ms Sposato stomped
furiously over to where Snotty lay writhing on the ground,
bent over and hauled him up by the scruff of his collar. She
grabbed the back of his trousers and pulled them violently
back up again. Snotty McFee winced.

"What on earth is going on here?" she yelled at the huge
crowd. We all stopped laughing and looked at Ms Sposato. She
could get really cross when she wanted to and there was no
telling what she might do. I looked at Snotty McFee standing
next to Ms Sposato. He was trying to do up his fly but the
zip was stuck. He looked silly, but just then I felt really
sorry for him. I'm not sure why I felt sorry for him, but I
thought of something my mother always said, "There, but for
the grace of God, go you". I suddenly had an awful thought,
what if I was Snotty McFee? How would I feel?

Ugh, what a horrible thought! I could never be like Snotty
McFee. I barracked for Essendon and my favourite television
show was Beverly Hills 90210 - just like everybody else.
Still, I couldn't get Snotty McFee out of my mind and I knew
that we were all in big trouble.

Snotty McFee's mother arrived at school after recess and
had a long talk to Ms Sposato and Snotty. The three of them
stood over by Ms Sposato's desk and talked in serious murmurs
while we all did story writing. Snotty McFee's mother was
what my mother would call an "unfortunate woman". She was
ugly to look at - not because of her long pointy nose and
little sharp eyes and the fact that she had no chin and a big
hairy mole on her cheek - but because she had a really mean
face. She was all points and angles - not like Snotty at
all. He was all round and lumpy. Right now, he was round,
lumpy and miserable.

Snotty McFee's mother kept talking in nasty whispers and
stopping and giving Snotty a poke in the arm with her long
bony pointer finger. Snotty McFee started crying after the
fifth poke and I felt really sorry for him. I looked over to
Jason McWhirter and he looked like he felt bad too. I caught
his eye and shook my head slowly to let him know that this
was all his fault. He bent his head down over his work and
looked uncomfortable.

I looked over again at Snotty McFee's mother. She was
making Ms Sposato angry. I walked quietly over to the bin
behind Ms Sposato and she didn't know I was there. I listened
to Snotty McFee's mother who was talking really quickly in a
voice that would have made my dog howl.

"In all my born days," she said poking Snotty again with
her finger, "I have never heard of such a revolting act as
pulling down your pants in front of everyone. Scotty McFee,
you're a disgusting child. Your father and I have never liked
you ever since the day after we brought you home from the
orphanage. You've got no friends and it's no wonder! You're
a nasty little boy and you don't deserve such a wonderful
home and parents like your father and I! I've worked my
fingers to the bone for you and what do I get in return?
Getting called to school because my son can't keep his pants
up!" As she paused for breath, she swung her bony arm and
swiped Snotty McFee across the head.

Ms Sposato pushed Snotty McFee out of the way and said in
the kind of voice she uses just before she's about to
explode, "Excuuuse me - but I think THAT kind of thing is
inappropriate!"

By now, Snotty McFee was standing miserably in front of
his mother, tears pouring down his face. Everybody in the
room was watching and for once Ms Sposato didn't tell us to
mind our own business and get on with our work. She looked
so angry and she just glared at Snotty McFee's mother.

One of Snotty McFee's ears had gone bright red and I
figured that it was the exact spot where his mother's open
hand had landed.

"Well boy, what have you got to say for yourself?" said
Snotty McFee's mother poking him roughly in the chest.

"I... I... I... I'm sor... I'm sorry... ah... ah... AH
CHOOOOO!" Snotty McFee sent a wall of clear spray from his
nose and mouth right at the front of his mother's neatly
pressed white linen blouse with tiny embroided tulips in it.
She was being so mean that she didn't even see it coming
until her tulips were well and truly watered.

Snotty McFee's mother looked down at her blouse, which
was covered in her son's liquid, and she looked horrified.
"Oh, oh, oh," she screamed, "I'm supposed to be meeting
Deidre for lunch in twenty minutes. I can't go like this!
You are a truly revolting child!" With that, she stormed out
of the room without even saying goodbye to Ms Sposato. It was
just as well because Ms Sposato was displaying all the well
known signs of blowing her top any minute. Her nostrils were
flaring and her fists were clenched and her face looked calm
in a really frightening way. I finished sharpening my pencil
and I crept back to my seat. The volcano was going to erupt.

Ms Sposato kept us in at lunchtime - everyone except
Snotty McFee. You could tell that Ms Sposato was about to
make us all feel guilty about Snotty McFee's mother. She sat
neatly in her chair and her eyes looked downwards.

"I'm very disappointed," she began in a very quiet voice.
She swept her deep brown eyes around at all the grade 5s and
I nearly cried. She looked wounded deep inside.

"I'm wounded deep inside," she said. "At St Maria
Goretti's we are a big happy family and it hurts me to my
core when one of our members is unhappy - or teased..."

Some of the girls started crying but Ms Sposato continued
talking almost in a whisper. I could see Snotty McFee outside
the classroom window. He was playing hopscotch by himself and
he looked miserable too.

"How do you think we could all solve this problem
together?" Ms Sposato looked around the room and when she
looked at me, her dark brown eyes almost burned into mine. I
felt obliged to put my hand up.

"Maybe we could be extra nice to him," I suggested knowing
that it wouldn't work for long. Kids can be nice to someone
when they feel sorry for them, but the feelings don't seem to
last. After a couple of days, the person starts to annoy you
again and then you forget that you're supposed to be nice to
them. Ms Sposato nodded at my suggestion and looked
questioningly at everybody else.

Troy McKenzie yelled from the back of the room, "Why don't
we set the school on fire and let Snotty McFee rescue
everybody?"

Ms Sposato practised what she called "active ignoring" on
Troy McKenzie and picked Sharyn Amott who had her hand up.
Sharyn Amott was the smartest kid in grade 5 so we all
listened to what she had to say.

"Ms Sposato, I think we should build up Snotty McFee's
confidence, but we should do it gradually so he doesn't
notice. One person could tell him how nice he looks and then
the next day, someone could tell him that he does neat work
and after a while, he might feel better about himself and we
might get to know him better."

Ms Sposato's face beamed as she thanked Sharyn Amott for
her suggestion. She told us to try to be positive towards
Snotty McFee and she picked Sharyn to give today's
compliment. We all piled out of class and I watched Sharyn
Amott go up to Snotty McFee, pause and then finally say,
"Snotty, I've never seen anyone throw the stone so accurately
in hopscotch," and then she walked off. Snotty McFee looked
surprised and his forehead creased as if he'd never received
a compliment before and didn't know how to react.

I went up to Snotty wanting to say something nice too, so
I told him that it was bad luck having such a rotten mother.
Snotty McFee looked at me sadly and then his eyes filled with
tears. He blurted out his life story.

"I was born of poor but honest parents in Castlemaine..."
he began tearfully, "My mother was a beautiful ballerina, but
she couldn't dance and hold me at the same time so she had to
give me to the orphanage. My new parents got me when I was
just a baby. My new dad is really nice, but my mother..." his
voice trailed off and I nodded understandingly.

"It'll be alright Snotty," I said as I patted him on the
back, "Maybe your mother will move to another country or die
in a chainsaw accident..."

Snotty McFee said thanks for my kind words, but he didn't
look very optimistic. I felt so sorry for him that I offered
to walk home with him that afternoon. He looked grateful.

As we approached Manning Clarke Drive, we stopped at the
curb and waited at the school crossing for Bill the Lollypop
Man to take us across. We said hi to the back of his pink and
white plastic coat and we got a fright because Bill answered
in a lady's voice - the Lollypop Man was a lady!

"Where's Bill? What have you done with him?" I said
accusingly to the lady. She laughed happily at our surprise
and told us that Bill was taking a holiday to far north
Queensland and she would be filling in for him for a month. I
liked old Bill and I thought that the crossing just wouldn't
be the same without him. I was just about to whisper this to
Snotty McFee when I saw him staring at the Lollypop Lady. She
was smiling a lovely smile and chatting away to Snotty McFee.

"You're such a handsome boy," she said patting his round
cheek.

Snotty McFee blushed and told her that it was nice of her
to tell him that he was handsome even though he knew he
wasn't. The Lollypop Lady looked hurt and bent down to
Snotty McFee's level. She told him that she really, truly
believed that he was handsome. I think Snotty McFee believed
her because he smiled a shy smile and said goodbye and walked
off down the road.

After that day, me and Snotty McFee met the Lollypop Lady
every day after school. The whole class was trying to be nice
to Snotty McFee, but it was the Lollypop Lady who really
seemed to make him happy. She pretty much ignored me and
focused all her attention on Snotty McFee.

He told her about school and she said that he looked like
a very intelligent boy. He told her about Ms Sposato and she
said that Ms Sposato was lucky to have such a wonderful boy
in her class. He told her about his father and how special
and kind he was and she said that he was lucky to have such a
great son. It went on and on but what amazed me the most was
the way Snotty McFee looked at her. He just stared at her
with a silly half smile on his face but she didn't seem to
notice. She just smiled right back and told him to call her
Madelaine.

At the end of the week, Snotty McFee told me that he loved
her. I told him not to be silly and that she was way too old
to marry. He said that he didn't love her like that, he just
loved her. I told him to get a hold of himself and then I
changed the subject by asking him to come to the school fete
with me on Saturday. He said he'd have to ask his mother.

Snotty McFee telephoned me that night and said that he had
good news and bad news - the good news was that he was
allowed to come to the fete and the bad news was that his
mother had to come too. He told me that his mother didn't
want him gallivanting about on his own, getting up to
goodness knows what. Oh well, maybe we could lose her.

On Saturday, Snotty McFee's mother picked me up and drove
us to the St Maria Goretti Annual School Fete And Animal
Judging Competition and she didn't stop talking all the way
there.

"I don't know why they have these stupid fetes! There are
goodness knows how many things that people are allergic to:
animals, hay and even those stupid yellow wattle flowers at
the nature stall. Why people should give up valuable time to
go to these things is a complete mystery to me. In my day,
respectable people never went to the school fete - only
common people went - and of course people from other
countries. Oh goodness, Scotty, you don't think there will
be any New Australians there, do you?"

Snotty McFee didn't answer his mother, he just looked sad.
We pulled into the school driveway and Snotty and I quickly
jumped out of the car and began to run over to the Ferris
wheel.

"Scotty Winston McFee! You come back here this instant!"
yelled Snotty McFee's mother. "And where do you think you're
going?" she demanded.

"On the Ferris wheel," said Snotty quietly.

"Not without your mother," she said, grabbing him by the
arm and walking him firmly towards the giant Ferris wheel.
Over by the Ferris wheel, near the cake stall, I heard a
familiar voice call out hi to Snotty McFee. Snotty McFee's
mother stopped dragging him and turned towards the voice. It
was the Lollypop Lady, Madelaine.

"And who pray tell are you?" said Snotty McFee's mother
in her nastiest voice.

"I'm Madelaine," said Madelaine holding her hand out to
Snotty McFee's mother, who ignored it.

"What are you doing talking to my son?"

Madelaine smiled her warm smile and she explained that she
had met Snotty at the school crossing. Snotty McFee's mother
just glared at her. She said loudly to Snotty that if he was
talking to low-class strangers on the way home from school,
then from now on she would drive him there and back. Snotty
McFee's lower lip trembled even though Madelaine gave him a
warm, soft smile as she continued on her way over to browse
amongst the Trash and Treasure.

I couldn't sit next to Snotty McFee on the Ferris wheel
because his mother insisted on sitting with her son, but even
though I hopped onto the nearest bell shaped compartment, I
could still hear her sharp, whiny voice.

"What a nasty looking woman," she said, obviously talking
about Madelaine. "How could you talk to such a common person
as a school crossing attendant? Don't you listen to what I
teach you about talking to the right people? How do you ever
expect... oh, oh!" The Ferris wheel began to move and Snotty
McFee's mother grabbed onto the small safety bar and pushed
it down in front of her. I could hear her screams as the
Ferris wheel took her higher and higher into the air.

Snotty McFee looked down at me in the next compartment and
smiled weakly before turning to pat his mother's arm to try
to get her to calm down. Finally the screaming stopped and
the nagging started again at almost the same instant.

"What a horrible ride!" she spluttered. "Fancy paying good
money to be scared out of your wits! I've a good mind to sue
the school!"

Snotty McFee desperately tried to calm his mother down,
because although she had stopped screaming, her loud voice
was carrying across St Maria Goretti's and people were
starting to stare.

"Mum..." he tried to interrupt but she wouldn't be
stopped.

"Do you have any idea of the dangers involved in this kind
of sub-standard machinery?"

"But mum..."

"I'm so scared that I'll just have to cover my eyes before
I have one of my dizzy spells," said Snotty McFee's mother
pulling her purple floral scarf from around her neck and
wrapping it firmly around her eyes.

"Well, that's a bit of an improvement," she sniffed as the
giant Ferris wheel continued to turn more quickly.

From where I was sitting, I could see Snotty McFee's
mother squirming in her seat and I could hear her voice and
so could everybody else at the fete. One by one, people
stopped walking around the stalls and stood still, looking
instead at the spectacle of the tall, thin ugly woman
screeching from the Ferris wheel with a purple floral scarf
wrapped firmly around her head. I watched too, as their
carriage began to rock.

"Mum..."

"Don't you interrupt me, you rude child! Haven't you
learnt any manners? You never speak unless spoken to."

"But mum..."

"Don't you "but mum" me," she replied giving him an elbow
in the ribs. Snotty McFee gave up. If I were him I would have
run away to South America as soon as the ride was over.

"This is the first time in my life I've been on such a
thing, and now I know why I've never bothered!"

The Ferris wheel began to lose speed as the ride drew to
the end. I stopped concentrating on the McFee show and looked
around to take in the sights of the school fete. The stalls
looked great and I couldn't wait to spend my pocket money in
them. Just under the Ferris wheel was my favourite section.
Every year St Maria Goretti's had an animal judging
competition and the animal pen was just below me. All the
kids brought along a pet and the principal, Ruthless McMahon,
judged them at the end of the day. It was a great stall
because in Langwarrin, lots of kids lived on small farms and
market gardens, so the animal pen included horses, chickens
and of course, Troy McKenzie's pig, Axl.

I could see Troy McKenzie in the animal pen feeding his
pig some fairy floss and I watched when Ruthless McMahon came
in and handed him a big straw broom. Troy McKenzie began
reluctantly to sweep up what my mother would call "animal
leftovers".

The ride was nearly over. I could see the other Ferris
wheel carriages below me. I loved looking down on the bell
shaped tops and see them gently swaying in the wind. I could
also see the back of Snotty McFee's mother's head in the
carriage above me. Her voice still drifted down and people
were still watching her.

"When is this stupid ride going to finish?" she screamed,
"I want to get off right now!"

"Mum..."

"I think I'm having one of my dizzy spells..." she wailed
with her scarf wrapped firmly around her eyes. I personally
felt that the Ferris wheel wouldn't be so scary for her if
she could see where she was going and I was thinking of
yelling this out to her when the carriages ground to a halt.
Snotty McFee and his mother stopped at the very top of the
Ferris wheel and I was the next one down. The very bottom
carriage had stopped on top of the red painted crosses on the
ground and the two people jumped off.

Just as I was watching them run clear of the carriage, I
heard Snotty McFee's mother.

"Thank goodness this revolting machine has stopped!"

I watched silently as she threw up the safety bar still
wearing the floral scarf covering her eyes.

"But mum, it's not time to get off..." Snotty McFee tried
to warn his mother but as usual she took no notice of him.

The crowd below watched her lift the bar. They watched her
stand up. They watched her step forward. And then they
watched her bounce from bell to bell - all the way down.

They listened as her screams faded with each bounce and
they all heard the squelch as Snotty McFee's mother landed
head first in Troy McKenzie's pile of animal leftovers -
right beneath the sign that said: "Buy our fantastic manure -
it will make anything grow."

I thought it was really nice of Madelaine to come to
Snotty McFees mother's funeral when Snotty McFee's mother had
been so mean to her at the school fete. But she was there
smiling softly at Snotty McFee who was dressed in a suit coat
and short pants. He sat up the front near his father. It was
strange, but nobody looked very sad - in fact people sort of
looked relieved. I guess Snotty McFee's mother didn't have
any friends because the only people there were kids from our
class and Ms Sposato. Ms Sposato had given us a list of
instructions on how to behave at the funeral which included:
don't stare at the coffin, don't cry or sniffle in a rude,
uncaring way, don't pick your nose, don't bang the kneeling
rests, don't put your hand up to ask questions during the
service, and finally - no fake coughing when they light the
incense.

We were all really good, except Troy McKenzie who walked
slowly past the coffin after communion. He was right in front
of me and I saw him bend over right at the head end of the
coffin and whisper, "Hey, you looked really funny in the pile
of manure with just your legs sticking out!" I heard him
laugh softly to himself and walk back to his seat. Luckily
nobody else heard him.

After the funeral was finished, we all went into the
church hall for some cake and lemonade. I stood with Snotty
McFee and his father while they smiled at the guests.
Madelaine walked softly up and gave Snotty McFee a big hug
and he introduced her to his father. She smiled at Snotty
McFee's father and he smiled back. She shook his hand and he
shook hers right back too.

Snotty McFee and I wandered off and sat on an old wooden
church seat by the church hall wall. We watched as Snotty
McFee's father chatted with Madelaine and we watched how she
laughed and made him laugh too.

When everybody started to leave, I walked up to say
goodbye and thanks for having me, to Snotty McFee's father. I
heard him ask Madelaine if she wanted to come around for
dinner and I heard her say yes. I heard him ask her how she
had met Snotty and she told him that she was a school
crossing attendant. They both smiled at each other. I said
goodbye and as I was walking off, I heard Madelaine say: "I
have only been a school crossing attendant for a year - you
see, I used to be a ballerina."