Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Separating the Wolves from the Sheep (Part 3)

Wouldn’t it be nice if abusive people wore nametags that announced their tendency to use others? If you Google “domestic violence” or “abuser traits, abuser profile,” you will discover lists that explain the telltale characteristics of someone who controls others for personal benefit. Of course, abusers do not want to tip you off; they work hard to appear as an innocent sheep during the dating period. To make the misdirection easier to maintain, most abusers are “fast movers” who push for quick commitments of exclusivity (proposing marriage or live-in arrangements). Dating an abuser often feels like you’ve entered a whirlwind.

I urge you to research abuser traits on the internet and in domestic violence books. The more informed you are, the better off you will be. In this post, I will focus on the traits that you are most likely to encounter in dating (some of the traits you won’t see until he feels secure that you are “his.”) If the new person in your life displays these danger signals, I strongly advice you end the relationship:

-Insecure to the point that he fishes almost continually for reassurance and approval. There are many insecure and low self-esteem people who are not abusers, but if multiple of the other signs are present then the insecurity is significant clue.-Gives over-the –top compliments and gifts.-Tells stories of being abused as a child or watching a parent being abused. His emotions about this seem raw and unprocessed.-Tells stories that show a fascination with weapons or power. He may also tell stories of what he has done when he has been angry—in a bragging manner.-Makes off-color or sexist comments on a frequent basis.-Ignores your requests and boundaries. Pushes against your boundaries or walks on them (in the beginning it will be over “small matters” that you feel are not that big of a deal.-Blames others for all of his problems.-Drinks heavily or is a drug user. This is a separate problem but it is especially dangerous when combined with violence.-Harsh or cruel with pets, friends, and/or friends.-Exhibits a violent temper over “little” things. (Often this part is invisible while dating, but may be hinted at with stories of what he would do or what he thinks others should do in a frustrating situation.)-Distrusts everyone, except you (for now).

Bottom line, we must pay attention. If you are frequently excusing or laughing off his/her words and behavior, it’s not a good sign. If you feel sorry for him or if you feel he needs you as a caregiver, then beware. Remember warning signs only benefit us—if we heed them.

Keeping the Faith: Questions and Answers for the Abused Woman by Marie M. Fortune

Perfect Daughters by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.

Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden

Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Slay Your Own Dragons by Nancy Good

The Cinderella Syndrome by Lee Ezell

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.

The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee

Turning Fear to Hope by Holly Wagner Green

When Violence Comes Home: Help for Victims of Spouse Abuse by Tim Jackson and Jeff Olson

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

Web Safety Tips

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Welcome

Being abused by another hurts deeply and creates many challenges. But you don't have to settle for merely being a survivor. You can become an overcomer with dazzling wings.

You might feel worthless--but you are not. You are valuable to the creator of the universe. A new life of freedom, peace, and joy awaits. Facing abuse, ending it, and healing from it is a huge journey that leaves behind hopelessness, embracing new life.

Just like myself and other abuse survivors, you can unfurl dazzling wings with the help of Jesus Christ.

This journey is possible. I've done it and so have other formerly abused women and men who have shared their stories with me. Come join us on a life-giving journey of change.

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About Me

For thirty-five years, I felt worthless. It seemed like I wore a sign across my chest inviting others to abuse me.
Unfortunately, I had an abundance of personal experience with being a victim of domestic violence, incest, emotional abuse, physical abuse, date rape, verbal abuse, and spiritual abuse. And then I experienced being the mother and stepmother of children who were assaulted by a pedophile.I felt like a cursed woman.
Since multiple people felt comfortable assualting me and then my children I assumed that there was something wrong with me. I had let me myself down in some unknown, mysterious way.
What if God let me down, too?
One day, in desperation, I prayed asking God to end the abuse.
God heard. He rescued me. He continues to heal me. His kindness, grace, and mercy far exceed anything I could’ve imagined or hoped for.
He has given me dazzling wings to soar above the pain of past abuse, spreading His message of hope: God does not approve of violence in any of its manifestations. He rescues those who cry out to Him. He heals the wounded.

Disclaimer

I share my thoughts and feelings on this blog about a very sensitive and personal topic, but I need to remind readers that I am not a licensed counselor or a legal advisor. Please weigh everything I say with prayer. Feel empowered to take what you want and leave the rest.