Beatification may be just down the road for the Olympic Flame

With a little over a week to go before the games’ opening ceremony, the Pope is to fast-track an application for recognition of the Olympic Flame as a Saint.

‘Technically, there needs to be at least two confirmed miraculous healings posthumously attributable to the Flame (peace be upon it), so we should really wait until it’s snuffed out at the closing ceremony,’ said Monsignor Brivaldi, the Vatican’s bandwagon specialist, ‘but in view of its popularity we’ve already started the process and may allow some pre-posthumous miracles to count.’

The healing of several low-grade hysterics on the Flame’s UK tour has been attributed to a simple slap round the face and a variation on the incantation ‘Wake up you daft prick, it’s just an overgrown cigar lighter! Now, get back to your desk or you’re sacked’.