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Pet hates No. 1: “suitable for all coffee makers”

A decent cup of coffee. For me it’s one of life’s top little pleasures. You can overdo it, of course. My usual ration is one large one with caffeine in the morning, followed by a smaller decaff at lunch, and again in the evening. More than that I tend to get a bit hyper, followed by a late afternoon low. If you are restricted as to quantity, quality is sacred, and especially for that first cup (mug) of the day.

So seeking out good coffee is a bit of an obsession. As a student (in the late 1970s) I soon tired of instant, being given an electric percolator by my parents…though I still find a good instant OK for a late evening decaff. But how to make the real stuff? Percolators are long gone. Filtering used to be my favourite – but the flavour lacks a certain something. Then came the cafetiere; I dislike its messiness, and the you can’t get rid of all the grounds, which interfere with the pleasure of drinking and subtract from the flavour; besides it takes a lot of coffee to get up to a decent strength. I briefly experimented with the stove top espresso pot – but apart from being fiddly I always found a nasty edge to the flavour. Besides, they can be a bit dangerous. My hairdresser’s exploded recently, trashing his kitchen and nearly causing injury. You simply can’t beat and espresso machine. I have been using one (or rather a succession of them) for years.

But one thing you have to get right with an espresso machine is the fineness of the grind. Too coarse and liquid comes through too quickly and it’s a bit watery. Too fine and the machine clogs. I started by grinding my own – and I still do at weekends – using a grinder where you can calibrate the fineness. But this adds to the hassle, so I want a more convenient option: using ground coffee straight from the packet. Also the variety of choice at the local supermarkets for plain beans is steadily diminishing. My local Tesco has just the one type, if you are lucky. The (rather bigger) local Sainsbury’s is a bit better, but still limited.

If the choice of beans is limited, that for ground coffee is wonderful. All manner of appetising flavours are on offer, and I’m itching to try them. But it’s no use. Because most of them are ground “suitable for all coffee makers”. This is a downright lie; what they actually mean is “too coarse for espresso machines”. The supermarket executives that allow these designations should sacked and debarred from working anywhere near food or drink for the rest of their lives.

What works? No surprise that Italian stuff is fine. Lavazza’s Gold is a regular standby, and their decaff is my normal for that lunchtime cup. The Illy stuff is just as good, by recollection, though it is some years since I have bought any, because it comes in expensive metal tins, though these are useful for storage. Filter ground coffee is fine too. Sainsbury’s used to stock a couple of types, but they’d gone on my last visit. Waitrose do a decent range of filter ground coffee, alongside a full range of beans, making this easily the best supermarket to shop at – but sadly my local stores are just over the edge of the inconvenience threshold. What doesn’t work is Starbucks own brand, surprisingly enough, given how much they have promoted espresso coffee.

And so my blood pressure will always rise a little when I reach the Sainsbury’s coffee aisle. And as for Tesco, I have given up even looking; another reason not to go to that horrible place.

3 thoughts on “Pet hates No. 1: “suitable for all coffee makers””

Coffee is sacred for me too. I limit myself to two a day, but they have to be good. I’ve been using a stove-top for years. I have never had an explosion, mine is the opposite problem of steam leakage, which means I have to fiddle with it with a pair of pliers every few months. The important thing is not to overfill them.

Bitterness is a problem with these machines only if you don’t use them regularly, and try to get the coffee through too fast. It’s best to switch the temperature right down when the coffee starts to come through.

My girlfriend tells me that the ultimate coffee experience is at the railway station in Napoli: it is filled with bandits, the man at the bar looks like sin and hands you an espresso that looks like petrol before you even ask. The machine has not been cleaned for 50 years…

In Oslo there are 7 supermarket chains on offer (amazingly) but only one – coop – sells coffee ground for espresso. All stock Illy or equivalent, but at 3x the price. Norwegians love filter coffee, and generally they do two grinding styles, one for filter, the other for caffitiere. I tried a filter coffee in my stovetop once, but it came out like dishwater.

Oslo still has coffee shops, where you smell the freshly roasted beans when you walk in, and they grind it for you on order, if you want. The only problem is price, as per usual.