What a year we’ve had my little love! It is hard for me to watch you totter on stiff little legs across the floor when I so clearly remember that just a year ago you were this squirmy, precious, pink bundle in my arms. My days were spent in amazement as I studied how your lips moved, how you squeaked, how sweet you felt cuddled against me and how I was sure you were smiling at me already. Now my days are spent chasing you about, coming up with ways to make you giggle, bursting with pride when you master a new anything or with your fist wrapped around my finger as I help you across the floor. It’s a strange mixture of sadness and joy to watch you grow.

What a difference a year makes!

You still astound and amaze me every day. You are a miracle unfolding before my very eyes and I can’t help but feel blessed that I had anything to do with the wonder that is you.

So if you see me sniffle a bit or look whispy around the edges please understand that I love you very much the way you are (and wouldn’t change you for the world) a part of me is mourning that tiny, squirmy bundle. The days just slipped by so fast and I tried so hard to slow them down. I reminded myself daily that each day was a gift and that you were changing with every passing moment… but still time marched on. I know that in a year or two or twenty I’ll wonder where my one year old LA went. But right now I can’t help but marvel at how we got from there to here.

You’ve been a busy little thing in the past 12 months! Learning every day, growing and changing…. all under my nose.

I love that each day I learn more about you… I can see that you are sweet and giving. You are always so excited to give one of your toys to others or to share your “yummmmm” lunch with me or Daddy. I love that you are so loving, your face lights up when you can give kisses and already you give the worlds best hugs. Plus, you seem to know just when I need one, clever girl. You are so observant, I’ll always remember how even as a teeny tiny thing you would raise your eyebrows and take in the world around you. This attention to the world has made you so very bright and so eager to learn. You are so social and just exude love. My little ray of sunshine.

There are moments with you that are imprinted on my heart. Every time I close or open the car door you give me that same giagantic grin, the one that says “Oh hello Mommy! It’s just SO good to see you!” It melts me every single time.

How you nuzzle against my breast when you fall asleep and your lips puff out into this adorable little pout as you relax into sleep. How even in sleep you will reach out and clutch my shirt, my hair, my finger suspecting that you will be moved but still wanting to stay close to me.

You are so adventurous. This makes me so proud of you and so afraid for you…. every bump and bruise breaks my heart. I fear for my own survival when bigger things threaten you…. I’m not sure I’ll make it. I now know what my mom meant when she said she would take it all for me and more.

So loving, you call me when you see something that tickles you…. like Elmo on TV. You dance when Daddy comes home and giggle when I snuggle up next to you at the end of the day.

It is a bittersweet thing to watch your baby grow up…. I try to remember your tiny weight in my arms for midnight feedings. I try to imprint how your body curves around mine now when we cuddle for naps. I try to take pictures and videos but I also want to just watch you and soak it in without the digital aspect in my hand or over my eye.

Part of me wishes I could go back in time to when you were a newborn or when you were just learning to sit upright (you’d bobble around like a weeble lol) or when you’d first learned to roll over (you were so proud of yourself). I now think that heaven is being able to go back and relive the “Best of” moments in your life… if that’s true than I’ll get to spend a lot of time with you. You and Daddy and our family (extended and all) is my best 🙂

I expected to celebrate your first birthday with tears and bittersweet sadness instead I was smiling the whole time. How could I not smile when you had so much fun!? You didn’t love the cake like I expected but you loved having your friends and family here. You played and smiled and waved and just exuded happiness and love. It made me proud to see how confidant and happy you are.

All day I kept thinking “A year ago this time…” I remembered the anticipation. The moment they placed you in my arms. Daddy’s and my nervous ride to the birth center. How your grandparents glowed when they held you. It did make me misty but I smiled as I watched that same little girl crawl around loving her first birthday party. We’ve come a long way baby… and while I may have a moment of sadness as I watch you do something that “big girls” do (like taking your hairbrush to brush the doggies fur lol), it is quickly followed up with pride and excitement for you. You are so very “you” and that amazes me… astounds me that I had anything to do with it.

So while I miss your tiny, simple days I look forward to exploring zoos and playgrounds. I can’t wait to show you this amazing big world we belong to. And I look forward to what you will teach me about it.

I love you so much my little LA and I hope you always, always know it!

4 responses to “On your first birthday- A letter to my daughter”

This was such a beautiful letter, Angel! Did it flow right out of you so eloquently or did you spend time refining it? Sigh the bittersweet spectacle of our childrens’ development…I’m pretty sure it will never ever get any easier.

Awww thank you Carly 🙂 Now I feel like I’m bragging if I say that I wrote the first half one day and then I revisted it a day or so later and wrote the second half, then just made sure I didn’t have major errors. Wanted it to just come from the heart without trying to make it “good” you know?

I’m sure it won’t get easier… I actually imagine it might get harder as they get more and more independent and move further away from us 😦

I remember. I lleft another post…not sure where it went. But I remember too….everyminute. Sometimes like birthdays and holidays the memories float back in a rush. It never really changes….it just grows. … as the does the love…..