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When we divvy up the DC Comics among ourselves, I
normally let Jim and Eric pick theirs first, then I take whatever’s left. I’m
fine with that role, someone’s got to play clean-up and tackle the unloved
series. The only caveat is that I normally take all the “strange” titles, ones
with elementals or magic-based characters that exist a half-step outside of the
mainstream DCU. And indeed, I asked specifically for the title in this review, the Hellblazer—in fact,I believe I was already reviewing its
previous iteration, Constantine: The
Hellblazer, by James Tynion IV and Riley Rossmo (mostly) and simply cruised
into reviewing this as a matter of course. Made sense to me. I love John
Constantine and despite having been somewhat neutered by his inclusion in the
DCU, I’ve enjoyed it more often than not.

Well, I’m really regretting being the “strange
titles” guy about now. Read my review of the
Hellblazer #8 and find out why.

Explain
It!

As I remember it, John Constantine fell off a roof
last issue and was caught skulking around a hospital by the Paris gendarme. Now
he’s in a holding cell after speaking French poorly to interrogating police
officers. At the same time, Mercury dipped into a portal, inside of a supply
closet in the hospital, and on the other side is Retired David Letterman
speaking cryptically about her destiny while offering her fame and power if
she’s turns traitor on Constantine. Mercury is no fan of John in the first
place, so she acquiesces—with a sassy smirk. Then she returns to the real world
and bails Constantine out of jail.

This comic is just so bad, y’all. We’re halfway
through the issue and I am so confused. What happened to finding Abigail Crane?
What’s going on with Swamp Thing? What about that Djinn takeover of humanity?
And the Djinn brother that was left to die in that alternate reality two issues
ago? What is the story here? This has simply become a pain to read. And the
artwork is very interesting, it employs a lot of techniques unique to traditional
American comic books, but it just doesn’t fit the titular character. I’m sorry.
He looks like a goddamned cherub in a trench coat while Mercury looks like one
of Cutter John’s big-haired girlfriends from the comic strip Bloom County. But
the story is the thing that just flat-out stinks here, it seems to have lost
any direction and I’ve ceased caring about anything happening in this series
whatsoever.

Mercury and John go to see a magical antiquities
dealer named Mademoiselle Misabel Lefebvre, who knows and therefore hates John
Constantine. Of course it is heavily implied that they fucked for two pages.
What an utter bore. Such a waste. John makes some magic happen that Madame
Lefebvre wants or something, and he tries to withhold it but it gets the best
of him. Or something. If you’re reading this, I feel sorry for you. This is a
case where the labors of comic creation needn’t have applied to the story.

Bits and
Pieces:

Regular readers of this series will get jerked around once again as the story careens into utter confusion. I'll admit I came into this with high expectations, but what can I say? I'm a regular optimist.

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