Hello,I'm new here and have a lot of questions about adoption and hope to find some answers here. I'm still pretty young and I fear that that will be a problem in the future, not so much from my side but I don't know what people around me would think about adopting in your early 20s, I already get comments from people close to me who say your 20s should be the time to have fun without any commitments. Should I ask questions here or in the general adoption questions thread?

Hi Starburst! You WILL find answers here! Welcome to Forever Parents where we're at liberty to talk about agencies/attorneys and anything else-adoption without worry!

You mention you're concerned adopting in your early 20's might be an issue? No. It shouldn't be. Dh and I adopted our first when we were 23; the next at 25 and we went on to adopt more children. Some agencies can set age limits; the better agencies will not. Instead, they'll look at *you* and where you're at in your life, what resources you may have for support, etc.

If you're single, we also have several members who've adopted as single people. Some waiting for their next baby/child!

Please feel free to ask away! We're here to help and support you while you go on your adoption journey!

Sincerely,

Linny

_________________There is an instinct in a woman to love most her own child - and an instinct to make any child who needs her love, her own. ~Robert Brault

Thanks I just feel like everybody thinks I'm crazy for wanting a child so early in life, but I just feel ready somehow, I really want to be a mom! I was thinking about waiting until I'm 23/24, then I would be finished with my degree. I'm going to start a business with my father and I'm going to live with him when I'm in college, maybe longer. I would love to be a mom in the next two years but it probably would be way too stressful to have a newborn while studying to get my nursing degree. My father is going to stand behind me no matter what but is it better to be completely independent when you get a child? I just feel like people around me would think you shouldn't take a child into your live when your father is supporting you and you are not 100% independent.

We are going to live in Chicago, we move there at the end of this year. I would like to adopt a AA or biracial baby, I'm biracial myself. I don't know if this is too early to look for agencies/attorney's, but I would like to be prepared. I read a lot in the open forum and you said saying you only want already born baby's would be really helpful. Are there agencies out there that accept single women that are only looking for already born baby's in Illinois?

Yes, there are some---though many will tell you 'already born babies' just don't happen that often (they do). The biggest problem you may have of course may be your age--------and by that I'm saying, when you talk about adopting around 23/24.....I have to ask, 'how old are you now?"

Adopting will take several months to a couple of years. And yes, while Illinois is one of the more 'adoption friendly states', you may find you'll have to prove yourself to agencies to show you have enough money, enough outside resources. And, the fact you're still going to school will likely be an issue. (Honestly, going to school to achieve your goal of being a nurse is wonderful. But, becoming a nurse is very, very hard---study wise.)

Consider most agencies/attorneys are going to tell you to finish the nursing school first, then apply to adopt.

I know it's hard to wait; but you'll have the financial resources available once you're employed and more permanent, KWIM?

I don't mean to discourage you with this post; but if you're younger than 20 and haven't completed your goal of college, this may have to come first.

Good luck...and feel free to keep asking questions. Being prepared and being aware is always the best key when embarking on a journey!

Sincerely,

Linny

_________________There is an instinct in a woman to love most her own child - and an instinct to make any child who needs her love, her own. ~Robert Brault

Thank you for your insight, it's not discouraging it's just the truth, I have to finish college first to be able to give a child a good future and thats exacly what I want to do. I'm turning 20 in a few months, I know that must sound crazy but it's the truth and I'm willing to work hard. Do you think I shouldn't even look at possible agencies for the future just yet? I don't know, there is this feeling inside of me, I never had that so strong before, that I want to be a mother. I wish I was older than I am right now, my dream just feels so far away. What made you want to adopt? How do you handle opinions from people around you? What did you prefer, an agency or attorney? Are closed or semi open adoptions really that rare?

I wanted to adopt from the time I was very young...elementary school age. It just seemed like a fact of life that I'd adopt, period. As I got older, it didn't matter to me to be pregnant or---especially---I never cared if I had a child that looked like me or my husband. It was an immature way in looking at adoption, but you have to understand I'm much older than many and adoption was viewed quite differently than it is now.

An agency or attorney led adoption is fine-either way. What's best, IMO, is finding a good Quad A attorney (Quad A: American Academy of Adoption Attorneys) who networks well with other Quad A attorneys and agencies. This seems to give a better chance of finding an infant and if need be, another ethical agency/attorney. The first Quad A attorney sort of acts like a buffer to filter out any situations that might be risky.

You'll often hear that semi-open or closed adoptions aren't desired anymore. What IS desired is too many agencies/attorneys use the idea of 'open adoptions' to their benefit as a way to market to pregnant women with the hopes of making them think 'you can release your baby for adoption, but still be very involved with the child's life'.Sometimes, this CAN/DOES happen-well. Many times, it does not---at least if the birthwoman believes she can have a VERY involved part in raising the baby. Most adopting parents don't want to share their parenting to that degree. As long as everyone realizes what their roles are, things can go rather smoothly.

The problem with this really open stuff, is that it doesn't necesarily consider the feelings/thoughts/possible problems with the baby who will eventually grow up as a child/then teen/then adult. Sure the 'open-ness' may be very good IF the pregant woman is on the same page as the adopting person/couple. But let's remember this 'open-ness' also means photos/letters and even visits are set up as the child grows. Might not seem to affect the child when s/he's very young, but as the child grows, there's a certain about of 'permission' that needs to come from the child him/herself.

I have some children who were adopted as infants that are now grown and on their own---for some time now. They're middle-aged. They have thanked us for NOT having a semi-open or open adoption. Why? Because they believe sending letters/photos to biological folks would have been a violation of *their* privacy. As one said to me, "How would we have known where those photos would have ended up? To whom would they have been shared??? We'd have had no idea where they would have gone."

And to that point, VERY few agencies/attorneys even CONSIDER how the older child might feel about the exchange of personal information. Yes, there is room for an adoptee to know as much as possible about their 'biological roots', but for some adoptees, that's enough. Not all adoptees are screaming to know intimate details of who gave birth to them or what brought about their conception.

On the other hand, those people who release their baby for adoption have a right to know the child they gave birth to is well taken care of/loved, etc. Personally, I can understand the exchange of basic info with each other (first names, details of the birth, etc) and sending a few updates, even a few photos for the first few years. Our family has done this; but not for the proposed 18yrs many agencies/attorneys require from adoptive parents.

Are there still 'closed adoptions'? Yes. Some birthwomen actually want them. And yes, there ARE some birthwomen who want nothing to do with the baby they give birth to---BUT, are mature and thoughtful enough to carry them to term and release them for adoption---realizing their limitations or situation would not be optimal for being a mom/dad.

As far as comments from others? If you're meaning comments from others about how everyone needs/should want to give birth? Ahhh, let it slide off of your back. Just as there are those who feel they could never love a child who's not biologically connected to them, there are those who do. The difference is knowing what *you* can do/feel/be to that child. If adoption isn't in *their* heart, then at least they know it and don't need to adopt, KWIM?

Hope that answers any questions? Feel free to ask more if you want. We have many members here who've been down a lot of adoption roads...

Sincerely,

Linny

_________________There is an instinct in a woman to love most her own child - and an instinct to make any child who needs her love, her own. ~Robert Brault