Tuesday, May 15, 2007

``I Do Believe We're Naked'' by Funky See Funky Do

Do the premiere cable channels still have their free trial weeks on occasion? Is HBO doing one now? We seem to be getting it for free. Someone call my dad to make sure he knows so he can record every movie on Betamax. They can go into the water damaged cardboard box with Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Flight of the Navigator, Little Shop of Horrors, Short Circuit, Stand By Me, Star Trek IV, The Karate Kid Part II, Three Amigos, Crocodile Dundee, Hoosiers, The Care Bears Movie, Great Mouse Detective, Howard the Duck, Money Pit, The Black Cauldron, King Solomon's Mines, The Legend of Billie Jean, Cocoon, and Witness. It’s in the basement next to old storm windows.

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Also, I never got into early 00’s Japanese horror film revival and know nothing of films like The Grudge or The Ring. But HBO played The Ring yesterday and I watched it with the sound off. For those who have never seen it (wife) here’s what I think happens based on not hearing the dialogue:

Naomi Watts really hates this old home video so she burns it in a barrel like a hobo. The fumes from the plastic cause her son to get sick (possibly hypothermia) and also attacked by a herd of 20 male deer. To help her son, Watts goes to the mental hospital that Sarah Connors broke of in T2 but her cell now only has books and an old TV and Sissy Spacek in it. Apparently, this doesn’t help so she goes home. In the meantime, the kid's doctor, who’s played by Wilma from the Flintstones movie, kills herself and the boy leaves the hospital where he’s been living. He goes home and kills the guy who played the young bisexual actor in LA Confidential by stretching his mouth open like Alec Baldwin in Beetlejuice. Watts finds the body in a pickup truck but leaves it there to go make her son a poisonous peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She then drowns him in the bath tub until a little girl comes of his mouth. This causes the TV to come on, so Watts goes inside of it and then falls into a well. She climbs out when a monkey in dress starts chasing her but she is able to trap it by pushing a 1000 lbs rock on top of the well. She then wanders around the forest from Cider House Rules until she come to a cliff and jumps off. The end.

This may not have been the way the script reads but it’s what the movie looked like and would probably have made a better one. And if you think that was confusing, you should have heard me try to explain the Battlestar Galactopus mini-series to the G last night so she could understand the first episode on DVD. She got angry and said she was going to bed even though I was only halfway done. It was 8:30.