The Republican Party, sometimes colloquially referred to, both seriously and sarcastically, as the "Grand Old Party", is the registered name given to a practically nonexistent partisan organization comprised of a number of small, unofficial, and highly factionalized "sub-parties" with drastically different beliefs, all of which just so happen to, on the outside at least, maintain the illusion that they are a collective, when, in reality, they are disjointed cliques and cabals who only have in common the fact that they all personally consider themselves to be vaguely "conservative" to some degree. While there are various wings in the party characterized by different ideological viewpoints, some of which are completely rational, the most vocal "Republicans" these days tend to be right-wing populists, reactionaryassholes, the psychotically religious, and, of course, white nationalists. There is an increasingly small center-right section representing moderate conservatives who generally happen to be the hawkish type, libertarian-leaning folk, and the tiny remnant of what used to be the establishment. That last faction generally includes those remnants of the establishment back when Ronald Reagan (RIP) was in office who have not fled over to the Democrats. Most of them, especially the last ones mentioned, are extremely confused, still pondering over where in Lincoln's name it went all wrong, while the "normies" and the truly far-right vilify them as being "not true conservatives", or RINO for short. This wing has shrunk to almost nothing from when the New Right assumed direct control, causing the New Left to fall to the Third Way, causing a mass migration of moderates to the now-centrist wings of the Democrats, and culminating in the rise of the paleoconservativeTea Party, pseudo racist Trumpicrats, and the blatantly racist Alt-right faction, which, at this point, is probably close to getting a candidate of their own into Congress. Their slogan is "The party of Lincoln!", closely followed by "The South Will Rise Again!" in many, many cases. To put it simply, the Republican "Party" is an extremely complex and convoluted concept and notion for one to fully grasp, so we will do the best we can.

The decline of the moderate Republicans, which, in itself, had pretty much always been a party of moderates, slowly began in the aftermath of the Watergate Scandal[2] This continued throughout the boom of the tax protest movement and the "Reagan Revolution", despite the fact that, by today's standards, Reagan's policies would be more comparable to those of the centrist Hillary Clinton. Even so, he was one of many factors in leading it to its current wingnut state, even if he was not one himself. This particularly had to do with his bringing into the party the Christian fundamentalists and evangelicals who had once supported Jimmy Carter, but were now disillusioned with the Democratic Party. Yet another Ronnie blunder. Either way, that caused the GOP as a whole to shift to the right at a far greater pace than the Democrats have moved to the left, and many of those centrist Reaganites and Rockefeller Republicans switched parties due to the more centrist policies of Bill Clinton. The nail in the coffin finally came when Dubya, who was highly neoconservative, became President. While many neocons like McCain remained with the party, the Republicans, after he lost the 2008 election, had completed its full transformation into the mess that it is today. Voteview and its sister sites have the statistics to back this up going back decades. Speaking of statistics, Republicans lie three times more often than Democrats.[3]

Dixiecrats and some Republicans associated with the Abolitionist movement

Northeastern reformer-types, who we would understand as the modern Democratic Party

From 1940 onward, the Northeastern branch grew dominant, adding a pro-civil rights plank to the party platform and reversing its segregationist nature. So suddenly, you have this big clump of disgruntled southerners who feel abandoned by their party (whom they've been supporting for abstract reasons), and a GOP eager to snap up those votes by campaigning against the Civil Rights Act.[6][7] Republicans have a very-comprehensive platform to get those voters out, but they obviously have a ceiling in terms of popular votes.

Interestingly, prior to (and shortly following) the CRA, many Democratic Parties in the South, while agreeing on segregation, differed greatly on economic issues. You had radical lefists like Huey Long and arch-conservatives like John Rarick under the same tent, even within the same state (in this case, Louisiana).[8] Also, there was a lot more diversity in primary elections. In Tennessee, for instance, Nashville tended to send more liberal Democrats to Congress (such as Estes Kefauver) who were more receptive to civil rights, while outlying rural areas supported Blue Dog Democrats. The problem for Democrats is that the white half of their coalition either switched to the GOP, moved away, or died—leaving the crusty, black civil rights leaders in charge. The end result is that party affiliation is now overwhelmingly determined by race and locality.

The story of the last half-century (1968-2016) will be the tale of how the GOP systematically turned white working-class voters against the Democrats. First it was the Southern Strategy with race, then the evangelical movement with abortion, and now it's blue-collar whites with nativist populism. Bringing the Southern Strategy up in a debate is pointless since they just dismiss it as darkie lies liberal propaganda.

There is no real endgame to U.S. foreign policy anymore. They broke bread with Russia, to the delight of some progressives, but goaded China into economic/total war.[9] They bombed the Middle East into oblivion. In South America, the US is seen as worse than Nazis, and now they even hurl abuse at Europe.[10][11] A pivot East and having China as a strategic partner against Russia and USA is their only recourse.[12] We're looking at the possibility of a trade war with God knows how many countries, and as economies start to crumble, many will look to military solutions. There's a reason why shares in Lockheed-Martin, Raytheon, Boeing et al. went up 15% right after Trump secured the White House.[13]

“”If Planned Parenthood wants to be involved in providing counseling services and HIV testing, they ought not be in the business of providing abortions. As long as they aspire to do that, I’ll be after them.

Women make up just 9% of elected Republican members of Congress in 2016, which is down from 11% in 2006.[16]

This is the most hypocritical thing about "conservatism" in the U.S. If you want to reduce abortions, comprehensive sex education and birth control is the way to go. Also, addressing the social and economic factors, since those drive demand for abortion. Republicans have fought against all of these things, instead pushing "abstinence-only education" (which is a farce),[17][18] banning birth control, and ratfucking Planned Parenthood.[19] Don't forget their crusade to destroy the social safety net.[20] (And then these retrocrat clowns will bleed public education so that those kids go to garbage schools, so they can claim public education is ineffective and continue the feedback loop.) Abstinence-only education and abortion restrictions are another example of the state forcing people to either come to Jesus or suffer.

“”The policies Republicans loathed were actually quite popular. So, to garner support for their attack on an activist government, they turned to a mythological narrative that drew on America’s long history of racism and sexism. They won voters not by convincing them of the merits of returning to a world in which businessmen ran the country, but rather by insisting that taxes redistributed wealth from hardworking white people to lazy minorities and feminists who wanted abortions on demand.

Republicans justify certain policies by claiming they want smaller government, when really they just don't want money going to the wrong people. Reagan cut the top marginal rate by over 40% and made deductions far more generous, while simultaneously increasing spending. He found the secret sauce the GOP needs to keep winning: Cut taxes, but don't cut back on services your voters use, thereby driving deeper into debt.

To put it another way, Republicans' last push to privatize Social Security and Medicare was one of the driving forces behind the 2006 midterms that flushed their majorities down the toilet. They'd be insane to go near that again, no matter how much the Boy Wonder from Wisconsin loves the idea.[22]

“”A lot of us woke up every morning thinking about how to kick Obama, who could say the harshest thing about Obama on the air. We ended up where any hint of nuance or maturity just proved you were incapable of being the bull in the china shop that our voters wanted.

Half of Obama's policies were positions the Republicans loved, then suddenly hated as soon as Obama supported it. Obamacare is the obvious example, but Trump won by promising to spend $1 trillion on infrastructure.[24] The $770b infrastructure program Obama passed (with only 1 GOP representative voting yes) had $330b in tax breaks and credits,[25] and Republicans attacked him on that for the next 3 years.[26]

You may recall plenty of Republicans claiming that Obama wasn't strong enough in standing up to Russia during the Crimean incident and is a modern-day Neville Chamberlain.[37] But that's a criticism of Obama being weak, not a criticism of Putin being strong. Their stance for a while has been that Putin is a strong ethno-nationalist and someone to look up to.[38][39][40]

Trump's views on NATO and the UN is one of the most dangerous things about his presidency.[41] The US isn't paying all this money as a charity; it buys global influence. If the U.S. won't fill that role, somebody else will, and you might not like the result. Meanwhile, Trump will let Russia do whatever they want so long as Rosneft keeps sending his cut, and his debts to Russian creditors don't come due.[42][43] The word for this caper is treason.[44]

2016 shook everyone's faith that there's correlation between economic well-being and voting patterns. There's clearly a correlation between perception of well-being and voting patters, but that's a different thing.[45]

Republicans refused to do their jobs for 8 years; they were rewarded with all three branches of government. They didn't pay a price for shutting down the government, damaging the US credit rating with their debt limit stunts, the sequester, or refusing to pass any stimulative measures to help the economy. They certainly won't pay a price for raping the environment[46] (a congressman who gets a 92 rating from the American Conservative Union can be kicked out his district for acknowledging AGW). Flint happened because the city basically told the EPA to eat shit and mind its own business after the EPA said they needed to test the water quality.[47] Michigan was completely saved by Democrats and the Obama administration, and it voted for the party that wanted to let their main industry go bankrupt.[48] Tangible, local improvements in life don't matter in elections anymore.

“”His insight was that the way you beat Obama is by grinding things to a halt, which would hurt the Democrats more because they were the party in the White House and the party of government, and because it would undermine Obama's whole comity shtick. Which paid off beyond McConnell's wildest dreams by now electing someone who fed off voter anger with Washington dysfunction.

Since 9/11, the parties controlling Congress have gradually pushed the envelope of obstructionism. When one party does it, that sets the precedent for the other party to do it, and they usually go beyond the precedent. So over time, obstructionism in Congress just gets worse and worse. And due to gerrymandered Congressional districts, 90% of Congressmen are more worried about their primaries than their general elections. Obstructionism is rewarded, compromise punished.[50]

After 2000, the Bush-McCain wing of the party ballooned the national debt to its highest level in American history. Their successor, Barack Obama,(not a Republican) sought to clean up their mess by cutting the deficit by two-thirds. Since them, the GOP has done everything in its power to become known as the "Party of No":[51]

Jobs Bill: to "give tax breaks for companies that 'insource' jobs to the U.S. from overseas while eliminating tax deductions for companies that move jobs abroad": blocked by Republicans[58][59]

Hence why they want to impeach anyone and everyone they disagree with. Just look at Obama and Hillary: They had a laundry list of "unconstitutional" or unlawful things the White House is doing, and every time the motion gets shot down they just move on to the next item.[60] It would not have been any different with Hillary; she would be constantly threatened with impeachment. It's really one of the few plays the Rs run.

Meanwhile, the American people have been told since Reagan's day that the federal government can't fix the problem, the federal government is the problem, so they don't mind that their Congress is deadlocked and obstructionist. What they don't see or understand is how this cedes power to the Executive Branch. More and more decisions are being made by the President or the many unelected bureaucrats working under him/her.[61]

“”I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I fear that at least since 2010 we've been witnessing a quiet, slow-motion coup d'etat whose purpose is to repeal every bit of progressive legislation since the New Deal and entrench the privileged positions of the wealthy and powerful — who haven't been as wealthy or as powerful since the Gilded Age of the late 19th century.

“”The outside groups don’t always move votes directly but they create an atmosphere of fear among the members. And so many of these [groups] now live in the conservative world of talk radio and Tea Party conventions and Fox News invitations. And so the conservative strategy of the moment, no matter how unrealistic it might be, catches fire. The members begin to believe they can achieve things in divided government that most objective observers would believe is impossible.

Republicans pander to the right in the presidential primaries, Democrats have to move to the middle. Why? One theory is that Republicans have too many groups in their tent, and end up talking out of both sides of their mouths to appease begrudging constituent groups. This leads them to spend political capital on VP picks just to keep segments of their base from staying home.

The problem with these big tent parties in a two-party system is that they are unstable. It's so difficult to bring people together, and hate for the other is often the glue which binds them into a single unit. The alt-right is the hidden "4th leg" of the GOP stool.[64][65][66][67] They make up as much as 20% of the party. If the GOP cuts off that leg, will the party be able to stand? Nobody really knows.

What we're seeing today started as far back as the Reagan Republicans. They woke up, fought, and then went back to sleep.[68] They rose up again in the nineties under Newt Gingrich and forced Bill Clinton to the center (he started out much farther to the left). Then they went back to sleep.[69][70] They rose up again in 2008, "because of Obama" as Dems like to say, but as always, it was a backlash not against Democrats but moderate Republicans. They aren't going to sleep this time.[71][72]

“”The so-called Christian Right, for one, just have a different agenda. And I think big business is worried about them: the C.E.O.s don't want that kind of fascism [...] these Newt Gingrich-types might go too far and start cutting down the parts of the state system that are welfare for them—which of course is totally unacceptable.

Tea Party politics has always been proto-Trumpism: It's never been about small government as it is about populism and disdain for the Washington cabal.[75] Trumpism is also less "free-market" and more explicitly crony capitalist.

The most logical place to mark the start of this particular "movement" is 2009, when the big money started moving to the Tea Party astroturf movement[76] and Obama was doggedly trying to reform health insurance. But in actuality, conservatives have become more uncompromising because campaign finance laws keep getting weaker over the last several decades. Bachmann, Huckabee, Cruz, Cotton, Jindal, Santorum, etc. have been around for a while and their anarchist beliefs have become the norm.[77][78][79] This is also a result of the the GOP using the culture wars as political fodder: This time, Baptist voters weren't going to "fall in line" and vote for Jeb! or Rubio, and the GOP can't win without them.[80]

The Democrats are disintegrating almost as fast as the GOP: their bases in Chicago, Seattle, and New York have finally turned on them, and the Bernie Sanders campaign was basically their worst nightmare.[81] (There's also questionablevoting practices in some red states.) The Republicans should be euphoric, but they're in a similar rut: a large part of their base is to the right of their leadership. Unlike the Democrats, the Republicans have lost control of those people. The House/Congress has been a colossal disaster under GOP majority: They managed to get rid of their own Speaker because he wasn't conservative enough, and actually made deals with Democrats to force their own incumbents out.[82]

Republicans have recently rebranded themselves as a "worker's party" to deal with the shift toward automation and foreign labor.[83] It seems that the party lines are shifting to globalism vs. nationalism rather than just left vs. right; but with the Tea Party in congress and Trump's cabinet of vultures, people are going get more of the same.[84] "Trump Republicans" or "Ryan Republicans", whatever: both groups are about massive tax cuts for the rich that will, magically, pay for themselves by generating laughably-delusional economic growth rates.[85][86][87][88]

“”I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country; corporations have been enthroned, an era of corruption in High Places will follow, and the Money Power of the Country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the People, until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands, and the Republic is destroyed. I feel at this moment more anxiety for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of war.

Republicans always seem to be one step ahead in the game. They blackened Bill, God-bothered Gore, capsized Kerry, obstructed Obama and hacked Hillary. The only times the Democrats seem to get a break is when Republicans implode from hypocrisy or corruption—which easily leads to scandal fatigue.

1854 - The party is founded.[95] (Contrary to its name, the GOP is — in fact — younger than the Democratic Party and not that grand either.) Times are very different from today, and people look to the Republican Party for positive policies concerning slavery and trade as opposed to the Democratic Party, which, at the time, favored the interests of planter-slaveholders and the South.[note 1]

1860 - Abraham Lincoln, possibly the greatest president ever, is elected. He is remarkably bipartisan (has a Democrat for Vice President) and agreeable, acting on what he feels is best for America rather than what is best for his party. He still managed to be the most divisive President in the history of the country as his election was the single event that led to the Civil War after it had been brewing for years if not decades. Unfortunately he was not bipartisan enough to escape the ire of a certain Confederate sympathizer, who assassinated him on April 14, 1865.

1868 - Ulysses S. Grant gets elected, and is arguably the first person to take the party in a clear fiscally conservative direction, having policies tough on inflation, and focusing government resources to aid industry. Grant was much maligned later for being tough on the KKK and more enlightened on Civil Rights than many later Presidents and thus the corruption during his administration gets played up for all it's worth.

1870s - The Half-Breeds, the RINOs of their day, opposed the mainline Stalwarts over Civil Service Reform and ending the patronage system. The whole Reconstruction program is viewed by Democrat and Republican alike as merely the most massive yet extension of the time-accepted spoils system. When President James Garfield was assassinated in 1881 by a disgruntled election worker who felt Garfield owed him a job, the Civil Service Reform Act was passed, ending the spoils system and political cronyism. Its implementation was the beginning of the Progressive Era, the Half-Breeds became the Progressive movement, which eventually became the Progressive party.

1896 - William McKinley battles his famous campaign with William Jennings Bryan, clearly setting in the party positions of the pro-populist Democrats and pro-business Republicans for the next century. McKinley backs a strong gold standard, which was cited by his opponents as favoring debt-holders and banks. McKinley is backed (and arguably elected because of) powerful interests such as Standard Oil and JP Morgan. His foreign policy also pursues a course of imperialism that included the annexation of Hawaii and naval war with Spain. While opposed by the Democrats at the time, this policy is eventually followed by both parties post-WWI.

1901 - Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt becomes president following the assassination of McKinley. He goes on to do many things that would be anathema to modern Republicans, including fighting big business and protecting the environment, and if he had his way in the next decade America would have had universal health carea century ago.

1912 - The Republicans are split between the conservative William H. Taft and the progressive Roosevelt. When the convention moves for Taft, TR leads an exodus, fracturing the Republican electorate. Roosevelt comes in second and the Democrats take the White House.

1920-1929 - pro-business Republicans retake the presidency and spend 9 years getting involved in scandals and presiding over a massive Laissez-faire economic boom, which eventually fell over onto itself and led into... (Sound familiar?)

1929 - The Great Depression starts. The Republican Party applies the "just watch the country go down the crapper" strategy. Contrary to what most people think, Herbert Hoover moves immediately into action, attempting a bailout and donating large amounts of his own funds to charity to keep people out of poverty. However, he explicitly tried to keep the government out of it, while the private charities he tried to bolster failed to help people.

1933 - Republicans coalesce against Franklin Delano Roosevelt (a Democrat), another candidate for greatest president ever. Roosevelt greatly helps relieve unemployment during the Depression, and has the luck of being in office when the U.S. is drawn into, and helps win, World War II. He brought many years of prosperity to America, along with hitherto unknown levels of national debt.

1969-1974 - Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon is elected on a promise that he has a secret plan to end the Vietnam War. The plan is so secret, another 20,000 GIs die before Nixon runs for re-election on a promise to really, really end the war for sure this time. By that time, his "plumbers" have been arrested for trying to wire the DNC offices in the Watergate complex, resulting in a cover-up so disgusting, and abuses of power so scary, the country actually elects Carter in 1976.

1981-1989 - Ronald Reagan gets into office. At this point the Republicans change from a center-right party to neoconservatism with the introduction of trickle down economics. Gets credit for delayed effects of the Soviet economy, delayed effects of previous presidents, and for being rude to other world leaders. Illegally sells weapons to Iran, which are used several years later by present-day extremists. Spends 1/4 of all military defence money allotted during the Cold War (in part by literally trying to build a space laser), and starts the 30-year trend of borrowing like a sailor without any regard for the consequences. Becomes principal deity to a new, cultish religion. Stops the horrible problem of 20-year-old adults drinking by signing the National Minimum Drinking Age Act of 1986, and vetoes a 1987 highway bill because it included 121 earmarks and was $10 billion over the line he had drawn in the sand.

1994 - The Republican Party takes control of Congress as a result of complacency and corruption in the Democratic Party. Begins a fourteen-year era where the Republicans really screw things up and destroy any chance of power for dozens of years after a Democratic president and a new Democratic majority is elected in 2008. (It took the Democratic Party 61 years to become fat and lazy, and it only took the Republicans 14.)

2008 - As his presidency was winding down, Dubya issued a series of executive orders with nasty environmental consequences.

2009 - Obama becomes president and the next 8 years become an endless slog of fear mongering and "whatever Obama wants we don't!"

2010 - The Republicans begin their massive campaign of smears, fear-mongering and misinformation against the Democrats. The Teabaggers are spawned. The Republicans become the "Party of No" as they try everything they can to block important or useful legislation proposed by the Democratssocialistscommiescultural Marxistssexual Bolsheviksleebrals. Unenthusiastic liberals stay home as angry conservatives turn out to elect enough scary people to Congress to take control of the House.

2011 - Control of the House achieved, congressional Republicans relax and enjoy being able to prevent Obama from making any progress, simply by not passing anything for him to sign. Nation largely shrugs as attention is drawn to the trainwreck that is the 2012 presidential campaign.

2012 - Mitt Romney becomes the Republican Party's nominee for President of the United States in the 2012 election. He loses the election to the incumbent, Barack Obama, with (in full irony) 47% of the vote.

2015 - Now in control of Congress, the Republicans help make America's chief legislative body into the single most anti-science institution in American history. [101] This includes having Ted Cruz oversee NASA and James Inhofe, the War on Science chief, as chairman of the United States Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works. (Richard Nixon would be sickened right about now.) The Tea Party purges the last remaining "moderates", House Speaker included. Some conservative talking heads like Levin are now decrying Fox as a liberal bastion,[102] and Reince Priebus a secret liberal. This is one of the guys Cruz wants to moderate the GOP debates. Shit is bananas.

2017 - The Democrats are irrelevant at all levels of government, having been swept out in the national election. It seems like Republicans have been so disciplined the last four years that they'll be able to further cut taxes for the rich, gut financial regulations, weaken health insurance, and restrict immigration. However, their narrow Senate majority makes passing certain bills (such as Obamacare repeal) extremely difficult. At least most of their policies tangentially affect "the budget" and will therefore be eligible for reconciliation rules. They don't answer to the normal pressures of "bringing home the bacon"; they answer to a kind of ideological wave rather than making deals. Right-wing populism is here to stay, at least for the moment. Things aren't all rosy for them, though; some well-known GOP strongholds in the House and Senate have been weakened and Democrats were actually able to win seats in otherwise guaranteed Republican districts; Doug Jones versus Roy Moore for the senatorial seat from Alabama is a notable case. Finally, there's that whole possible Russian collusion going on that brings a big question mark on the conflict of interest of the party, if not the eligibility of the president.

“”The Republican Party is fundamentally crooked and might well be outlawed one of these days. Le Pen, you know, in France, who is an out-and-out fascist, the French have managed in some clever way to contain him... I don't know how they do it, but we've got to do that with the Republican base, the religious right. We don't want them running the country. Nobody does. Certainly not the founding fathers. And I think we have to ride herd on them and make sure they do not seize the state.

George Allen (Senator from Virginia 2001-07): He had a noose hanging in his office from 1998-2000. At first calling it "more of a lasso", in 2006 he came clean, calling it a "little noose." We all know about the Maccaca story.[104]

Dick Armey (Representative from Texas 1985-2003, House Majority Leader 1995-2003): Former #2 Republican in the House, now leader of the Astroturf group FreedomWorks, which organizes the Tea Party.

Roger Ailes: Nixon strategist and former President of Fair and Balanced Fox News. Remarked to fellow executives that "the GOP couldn’t organize a one-car funeral."[105]Update: Apparently his life force was entirely dependent on harassing women in the workplace.

Robert Bentley (Governor of Alabama 2011-17): They need a new prison to house their state government. (He's grinning because he gets to keep his pension.)

Marsha Blackburn (Representative from Tennessee 2003-present): Anything Blackburn says might as well be, brought to you by AT&T, Comcast, and Verizon. Her intention is not to "protect state's rights", it's to keep the sludge moving.[106]

John Boehner (Representative from Ohio 1991-2015, Speaker of the House 2011-15): Cries openly more than any other politician in memory (except Glenn Beck).

Terry Branstad (Governor of Iowa 2011-present): Wasn't the reasoning for voting Branstad because Culver couldn't balance a budget and ran us into a deficit, and Branstad would fix that?[107]

Nancy Brinker (U.S. Chief of Protocol 2007-09): Such positions, like Ambassadorships to small countries, are handed out to folks who can raise a lot of money for political campaigns ("bundlers"). She's a professional networker amongst the rich and famous, which tends to be a perfect cover for running your "non-profit."[108][109]

Ted Bundy: Misogynist serial killer who spent his last days before the chair with James Dobson groaning on about how porn ruined his life.

Richard Burr (Senator from North Carolina 2005-present, Chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee 2015-present): Burr is proud of blocking a federal court vacancy for 11 years, longer than any in the nation's history.[110] Burr also pledged to stonewall the Scalia vacancy if Clinton won.[111] He has stated that he won't run for another term.

George W. Bush: (Governor of Texas 1995-2000, President 2001-2008). The 43rd President. Spends the rest of his days hoping he won't place 43rd on another list. Seems like he realized that the planet hated him, because he's pretty much been a recluse since then. But any past, present, or future world leader knows that picking up a paint brush is an invitation for comparisons to Hitler.

Jeb Bush (Governor of Florida 1999-2007): He spent 27 years laying the groundwork for a Presidential run...until Trump threw shit into the cake batter. Please clap.

Jason "Chipmunk" Chaffetz: (Representative from Utah 2009-present, Chair of the House Oversight Committee 2015-2017): An ethics-violating[112] groundhog. He pops out of his hole, sees his shadow and we get 2 more years of attempting to defund Planned Parenthood.[113] (And those are some of his better public appearances.)[114]Update: There's speculation that he will run in the 2020 gubernatorial election. Now he just needs to avoid bad press.[115]

Dick Cheney (Representative from Wyoming 1979-1989, Vice-President 2001-2008): Enjoys "blowing up Alderaan small countries."[116] Maybe if he had some of the petroleum in his veins replaced with actual blood his ticker would behave itself.

Gary Cohn (Chief Economic Advisor to the President 2017-present): It pays to be a Trump Whisperer.[117]

Chris Christie (Governor of New Jersey 2010-present): Has shown the ability to set partisan politics aside at least some of the time, but in 2014, a series of scandals forced him to throw in with Donald Trump (to his later regret).

Tom "The Hammer" Delay (Representative from Texas 1985-2006, House Majority Leader 2003-05): Hehe, I'll kill them, just show me where they are!

Betsy DeVos (Secretary of Education 2017-present): Sister of Erik Prince, has invested millions in a company where you put a colander on your head to make your brain bigger.[118] If the tuition bubble pops at around the same time as another housing collapse, this country is screwed.[119]

Lou Dobbs: Former CNN anchor who is anti-immigration and supports Trump in everything he does.[120] Liked by Alex Jones.[121]

Bob Dole (Senator from Kansas 1969-96, Senate Majority Leader 1995-96): Wasn't it Bob Dole who went to the Senate to oversee the ratification of the Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities? And they voted it down, with many Republican Senators fearing it would impact American sovereignty.[122] Madness. And now he's a Trump supporter.[123]

"Scary" Mary Fallin (Governor of Oklahoma 2011-present): Arguably one of the worst governors in America. Oklahoma's state government, road systems, and education system are all in shambles because of her inept leadership. But thank goodness we have Oilfield Prayer Day!

Robert Fisher (Representative from New Hampshire, 2014-present): Can we press pause on the Republican Party until they figure out what's going on? This guy is tied to an SPLC-designated hate group, shouldn't be in government.[124] (His picture confirms he's every bit the douche you thought he would be.)

David Frum: Wrecked his party (and his country) by enabling Bush and loudly supporting the Iraq War. Now he's pissed at his party for continuing down the road which he paved.

Greg Gianforte (Governor of Montana 2017-present): Imagine being Gianforte and knowing you basically have to "not body slam someone the day before the election and you'll probably win", and just body slamming someone anyway.[125] Trying to paint this turd as a "philanthropist" is laughable.[126][127][128]

Newt Gingrich: (Representative from Georgia 1979-99, Speaker of the House 1995-99): Grand Poobah of the culture warriors—with a history of getting his wife sick philandering that makes Bill Clinton look like a choir boy in comparison.

Barry Goldwater (Senator from Arizona 1953-65 and 1969-87, Chairperson of the Senate Intelligence Committee 1981-85, Chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee 1985-87): Goldwater is responsible for "movement conservative" political theory, starting with Reagan (a Goldwater scion). He created this monster. But some of his views were light-years ahead of both parties: he was an environmentalist, pro-choice (endorsing a Democrat who held those views for Congressman), supported gay rights, and denounced the religious right. See, if you go full Goldwater then you lose the Bible-thumpers whose biggest concern is putting God everywhere they can shove it, outlawing abortion, and outlawing gay marriage. So you can see why it was necessary for Republicans to smother him with a pillow.

Sebastian Gorka (Deputy Assistant to the President 2017-2017): Drew a plan on a napkin to partition Libya into threes.[129] Yeah, this seems like the right guy to oversee Syria. Once they've all got their copies of the Federalist Papers,[130] they'll be constitutional republics in no time.[No, not The Onion] Just think, someday this may join other important napkins in the Smithsonian. He left the Trump White House in August 2017 to join Fox News. Because, of course he did.

Trey "Mr. Benghazi" Gowdy (Representative from South Carolina 2011-Present): The leader of the charge in the Hillary Clintonwitch hunt. And that's his only real accomplishment, if you could call it that.

Lindsey Graham (Senator from South Carolina 2003-present): An old-style Republican who is dismayed at the extremist wing of his party. Perhaps he thinks that they can win the presidency based on the substance of their plan and not rely on a bombastic reality TV pitch[131]Update: He fell in line as soon as the bombs started falling.[132] Graham is just a closet case looking for a strong daddy.[133][134]

"Fuck" Chuck Grassley (Senator from Iowa 1981-present): A two dollar whore for Monsanto.[135] Grassley was also pivotal in hijacking the SCOTUS.[136] The only thing Grassley is good for is making innuendo about Dairy Queen[137] and tweeting volleyball scores.

Dennis Hastert (Representative from Illinois 1987-2007, Speaker of the House 1999-2007): One of the guys we have to thank for No Child Left Behind and the Patriot Act becoming laws. Arrested in 2015 for withdrawing too much money from his accounts without declaring the purpose for the withdrawals through an illegal process called structuring.

Orrin Hatch (Senator from Utah 1977-present, President pro tempore of the Senate 2015-present): Old mule with the full weight and support of the LDS church. He nearly got primaried last time, and has indicated that he won't run again.

Mike Huckabee (Governor of Arkansas 1996-2007): Wait, Tricky Dick's back from the dead?

Jon Huntsman (Governor of Utah 2005-09, Ambassador to China 2009-11): As corrupt as they come. While he was barking at China to put sanctions on Iran, he was selling Iran parts for missiles under the table. He lost his "nice guy in the middle" reputation the moment he backed Trump. And unlike Ryan or Graham, Huntsman endorsed Trump early, as in well before Cruz dropped out. He's the definition of the "play both sides"-type, and Trump has been a useful hand grenade for Huntsman.

John Kasich (Governor of Ohio 2011-present): Took a swing at public unions, and whiffed it. Because Kasich is basically a dinosaur, everyone mistakes him for a friendly triceratops instead of the raptor he actually is.[138]

Kris Kobach (Secretary of State of Kansas 2011-present): Kobach is the architect of Crosscheck, a program which has declared silent war on minority voters.[139] He wholly believes Trump's claim that millions voted illegally. In cooperation with the Justice department, you can expect to see it implemented more and voter suppression to increase.[140]

William Kristol: Disloyalty from neocons and Dan Quayle's staff contributed to their defeat in '92.[141] That's how Kristol earned his stripes. His role in the Iraq and Libyan invasions (sorry, "interventions") is well-documented; suffice to say he was fired from the NYT for unethical journalism.[142]Update: Bill has an erection that could etch diamonds right now due to the Syrian missile strikes.[143] Wasn't he the leader of the Never Trump movement?[144]

Jared Kushner: (de facto Secretary of State Senior Advisor to the President 2017-present): Is this seriously him? Not sure how to feel about this country's most influential man being such a normie.[145] He always seemed like the rich amoral scion archetype.[146][147][148]

Joe Lieberman (Senator from Connecticut 1989-2013): A Republican by any other name, no matter what he may call himself. He cheated on his wife with a pharma lobbyist, and then immediately went super-Gingirch and had to leave the senate before sundown (after he dumped his wife and married the lobbyist).[149] He was the clinch vote on killing the public option.

Abraham Lincoln (Representative from Illinois 1847-49, President 1861-65): Lincoln can be a modern conservative or a classical liberal, whichever is convenient for you.[150][151][152] His entire existence is rubble and they continue to bomb everyday.[153][154]

Trent Lott (Senator from Mississippi, 1999-2007, Senate Majority Leader 1996-2001, Senate Majority Whip 1995-96, Jan. 2007-Jul. 2007) : You just hear him say "Strom Thurmond" and know that sentence isn't going to end well.[155] Insurance companies must have been smiling when he resigned.[156]

Lawrence Lockman is a short time Republican politician in the Maine legislature; he was elected in 2012. He is a long time bigot, misogynist, and generally ignorant hater.

In February 2014, Lockman expressed "regret" for his statement justifying rape on the basis of the legality of abortion.

“”If a woman has [the right to abortion], why shouldn’t a man be free to use his superior strength to force himself on a woman? At least the rapist’s pursuit of sexual freedom doesn’t [in most cases] result in anyone’s death."[citation needed] (1990)

He has said other things that might seem a bit stupid, ignorant, or just plain hateful, such as:

“”In the overwhelming majority of cases, people are dying because of their addiction to sodomy. They are dying because progressive, enlightened, tolerant people in politics and in medicine have assured the public that the practice of sodomy is a legitimate alternative lifestyle, rather than a perverted, depraved crime against humanity."[citation needed] (1987)

Frank Luntz: Author of "tax and spend", "climate change", and "government takeover of health care." He was instrumental in 1994's Contract With America, which led to the party controlling both houses of Congess. Lives in a miniature White House[No, not The Onion] and rubs elbows with a lot of celebrities.[157] He's still whining about being assaulted glitter-bombed at Trump's inauguration.

James "Mad Dog" Mattis (Secretary of Defense 2017-present): Mattis smiled like a Gremlin at the signing of the Muslim ban. Whatever faith the Democrats had in him is gone. Update: McMaster and Mattis are the canaries in the coal mine. If they go down, the future does not bode well.[158]

John McCain (Senator from Arizona 1987-present, Chair of the Senate Armed Services Committee 2015-present): McCain was their last decent candidate, but then he went full Palin. (Never go full Palin.) Once he crawled back to Trump after being publicly humiliated, McCain stood no chance of being a leader.[159][160]Update: No tea, no shade, no pink lemonade: McCain is not fit for office. He elbows his way into a high-profile hearing to ask questions about something doesn't understand ("President Comey"), causing Burr to get annoyed with him, banging his gavel a few times. Best guess is he's suffered a stroke and is keeping it quiet.

Mitch McConnell (Senator from Kentucky 1985-present, Senate Majority Leader 2015-present): Chief demolition man of the ACA. McConnell warned his fellow Senators that their futures would grow dim if they passed any legislation under Obama. When Grassley and the others started writing furious op-eds about the plan, which Grassley co-wrote, Democrats understood that the "negotiations" were faux. Many assumed he was done after he criticized Trump; but fortunately, McConnell has buttered his ass sufficiently to stay in power. That Senate seat is his for as long as he wants it.

Robert Mercer: The Mercers tried to get an executive appointment for their favorite scientist in the world, Art Robinson, a biochemist who says that a little radiation is good for you, and is taking the Mercers' money to help stop aging. The Mercers also believe that black people were better off before the Civil Rights Act, and are in favor of the gold standard. Jane Mayer's article gave concrete examples of the Mercers being taken in by snake oil salesman and conspiracy theorists, yet the White House hangs on this family's every utterance.[162]

Steve Mnuchin (Secretary of the Treasury 2017-present): ☑ Billionaire Goldman banker. ☑ Got rich off widow foreclosure scams, then sold the company before he could be caught. ☑ Ditched his wife so he could hook up with a Scottish model. He tics all the boxes.

Rand Paul (Senator from Kentucky 2011-present): Ron Paul 2.0 has lifelike hair, but can overheat sometimes.[163] (You're not going to like where you have to insert the heat sink that fixes the issue.) When Michelle Bachman's book outsells yours maybe it's time to throw in the towel.[164]

Ron Paul (Representative from Texas 1997-2013): The Pauls are like a rocket ship fueled with hate. The rocket can crash, but you can always fill the next one with just as much hate. Maybe even more. (Right now it's time for Trump to get his turn on the launchpad.)[note 2] Was photographed with this guy in 2007.

David Petraeus (CIA Director 2011-12): The guy is still serving probation under his plea agreement from 2015 (which was pretty generous considering that the FBI and Justice Department recommended felony charges against him). People are still chanting "lock her up", but where were those same people when Petraeus mishandled classified information, to the degree that he wasn't even considered for a role in the Trump administration well, beggars can't be choosers. Particularly when the post is being vacated by a guy who violated the Logan Act.[165]

Colin Powell (Secretary of State 2001-05): Colin Powell could have been President.[166] His Eisenhower-like demeanor would have had a drastic healing effect in the post-Reagan era (which is the primary cause of partisanship we experience today). Like Gore, Powell represents another great 'if" in American politics. Unfortunately, he appears to be a company man who gets misused by the establishment. The report he wrote on the My Lai massacre echoes his report before the U.N.

Scott Pruitt (Oklahoma Attorney General 2011-17, Administrator of Environmental Protection Agency 2017-present): Soon to be G6.[167] This like a homeopathy shop telling you to take your child to a real doctor. It means you really fucked up.[168]

His Most Grand High Exaltedness, Slayer of the Dragon of Communism, and Defender of the Faith: Saint Ronald Wilson Reagan (Governor of California 1967-75, President 1981-89): He was an open-carry hero who lowered taxes, right? He also freed the slaves, right before he deported those jobless heathens.

Mitt Romney (Governor of Massachusetts 2003-07): In fairness to him, he really was the last hope the Republicans had to put a moderate in office, and they blew that chance in '12. They should have waited until 2016; they knew it's super-difficult to knock out an incumbent (and Obama was a popular one) but went ahead anyway. Now, all that poverty, poor education, and joblessness is at their front door. Voters see the economic realities and the alt-right offers an alternative.

Karl Rove (White House Deputy Chief of Staff 2005-07): Responsible for dumbing down the party so that his idiot boss could get elected. Current status: whining on Twitter. He's been left in the cold like Jack Torrence in The Shining.

Marco Rubio (Senator from Florida 2011-present): Rubio embodies the GOP's failure to understand the electorate. The GOP think that Obama got elected because he's a minority and a pretty face. They think Rubio can do the same. (Mexicans, Central Americans, Cubans....they're all the same, amirite?) More to the point, the GOP doesn't understand that they can put as many dark faces on the stage as they want, but when the camera pans to the crowd it will be 90% white. All Rubio offered was to wean the Republicans off anti-immigrant sentiment, and he's already running the opposite direction (a la Romney with Romneycare). Sub-Zero would have a hard time finding Marco's spine.

Donald Rumsfeld (Representative from Illinois 1963-69, Secretary of Defense 2001-06): Talked to us about "known knowns" and whatnot. Knew about Abu Ghraib and tried to spin Pat Tillman's death as heroic. Generals on the field demanded his resignation. A "known" idiot.

Jack Ryan: Tom Clancy super-spy Married that Borg chick from Star Trek. Hired a real-life spy to follow his opponent, Illinois State Senator Obama, around with a video camera in hopes of catching him in some misdeed. This plan backfired when Ryan was found to frequent bondage clubs.

Paul Ryan (Representative from Wisconsin 1999-present, Speaker of the House 2015-present): Genetically-engineered in an attempt to make their own Obama. Ryan, Cruz & Trump sort of represent the 3 'sides' to the GOP: Trump is the new nationalist faction, Cruz the religious faction (which was so powerful under GWB), and Ryan is the "upwardly-mobile" faction, i.e. the corrupted, dying husk that had its day under Reagan. He looks like Matthew Morrison, meaning even his celebrity lookalike is a nobody.

Mark Sanford (Representative from South Carolina, 2013-present): hiking the Appalachian trail... in Argentina.

Richard Shelby (Senator from Alabama 1987-present): Jumped on the Republican bandwagon after Newt Gingrich's 1994 coup of DC. Also once sponsored legislation to make English the official language of the United States.

Sean Spicer (White House Press Secretary 2017-2017[173]): German Jews weren't German — Spicy logic.[174] The only reason Spicer got the job is because someone in Donald's transition team Tweeted about the first pick (Jason Miller) having a baby out of wedlock. It wasn't leaked to WaPo or anything, it was just a vindictive Tweet.[175]

Michael Steele (Lt. Governor of Maryland 2003-07, President of the RNC 2009-11): Upset a lot of old white people by suggesting the party should focus on younger, non-white people. Has also made a large number of brain-dead gaffes and brought the RNC to visit a bondage club.

Strom Thurmond (Senator from South Carolina 1956-2003, President pro tempore emeritus of the United States Senate 1981-87, 2001-2003): Record holder for the longest-ever filibuster by one senator. He was opposing the Civil Rights Act at the time. Had so many kids (including a mixed-race daughter) that his nickname on the Hill was "Sperm Thurmond".

Rex Tillerson (Secretary of State 2017-present): A diplomat who won't look you in the eye, that's novel.[176] Tillerson is the Oil Lobby,[177] and he is happy to leave the State Department in ruins so he can sell missiles to countries with HR violations.[178]

Thom Tillis (Senator from North Carolina 2015-present): A huge hypocrite. He sings about the free market (Don’t require restaurant workers to wash their hands − the market will take care of that!)[179] but he received sizable donations from three major car dealers in NC; as soon as he got into office he shut down small independent dealerships for minor infractions.[180]

Donald "Tan Erdogan" Trump (President 2017-present): The tri-state area's worst ambassador, carrying the torch for every dated stereotype you've ever loathed. That's enough to charm the mystics and morons who have entirely too much influence in the GOP. Trump wanted to have tanks and missile launchers in the street for his inauguration. Just wanted to point that out.[181]

Ivanka Trump (Assistant to the President 2017-present): Growing up, she was too rich to own her own lemonade stand.[182] Now just imagine that but with real estate instead of lemonade and that's how father was raised.

“”He sat at his desk, his hands palms upward, fingers slightly curved, as if cupping something in them. “I want Hagel.” he said, staring into the camera. “I want Hagel. I want him.” A casual observer might interpret this moment as O’Reilly expressing his fierce but tender desire for Chuck Hagel, the Secretary of Defense. More experienced O’Reilly viewers, however, will recognize it as a signal that the unfortunate Hagel had plummeted downward in O’Reilly’s estimation from pinhead to evildoer.

"Sir" Charles Barkley: As a child his grandmother told him they weren't rich enough to be Republicans, so he thought he had to be a Republican after making millions from basketball. He has since learned that the Republicans suck in general, and is thinking of running for office in his native Alabama as a Democrat or Independent.

Bruce Bartlett: Supply-side inventor, author of the book Imposter. It made the case that Bush is about as useful as the British were to Hitler: a total spanner in the works, taking Republicans in a direction they were already flirting with and sinking them. He still stands by his policy decisions during the Reagan administration—but is savvy enough to know that different times call for different policies.[184] The fact that he's an outcast is proof of how dogmatic the GOP has become.[185] (The Bush administration was in lockstep and too well-organized; people who had the gall to say expanding Medicare, starting two wars, and cutting taxes is not "fiscally conservative" were blacklisted from think tanks forever.) Bruce had a brain transplant tumor in 2014, and that changed his views on healthcare.

Ben Bernanke (Fed Chairman 2006-14):[186] Jim Bunning (R-KY) accused Bernanke of trying to cover up a (non-existent) overruling of his staff's recommendation to bail out AIG.[187] So far, it has been profitable, and AIG has paid back the loan with interest.[188] In fact, it was such a sweet deal that AIG successfully sued the government, saying it was unfair.[189] Hilarious and awful.

Lincoln Chafee (Governor of Rhode Island 2011-15): Elected as an independent, then joined the Democratic Party in 2013, who voted against the tax cuts and Iraq War resolution. Even as a Republican, he was a liberal on social matters, supported federal funding for embryonic stem cell research, opposed the austerity of the GOP and neo-liberalism of the DNC, voted against the death penalty, calls for a two-state solution between Israel and Palestine with Israeli withdrawal from all occupied territories as a condition, voted for the restoration of Clinton-era tax raises on the rich, voted against arctic drilling, and voted against torture. He toed the party line on free trade, the Patriot Act, and partial privatization of Social Security, but he remained to the left of even the Democrats.

Charlie Christ (Governor of Florida 2007-11, Representative from Floria 2017-present): Converted to Independent in 2010 and narrowly lost a non-consecutive term in 2014 as a Democrat.

James Comey[190] (FBI Director 2013-17): Trump can only nut while pointing at someone and saying "you're fired", and Comey just walked into the room at the wrong time.[191][192] (Frankly he should have been fired 10 months earlier, but Obama didn't want to look partisan.)[193] Trump reportedly asked Comey to arrest members of the press.[194]

Robert Gates (Secretary of Defense 2006-11): Like Powell, he hasn't renounced his party allegiance, but serving under Obama and pushing for an end to DADT was not without an earful. He was, however, one of the main - if not the primary - perpetrators of the utter failure of the intelligence community regarding the Soviet Union's collapse. More particularly, Gates has been criticized for allegedly concocting evidence to show that the Soviet Union was stronger than it actually was. He was a key player in the Iran-Contra Affair, due to being connected with many of its leading proprietors (thus fully knowing its activities), and advocating for "any and all" options against Sandinista short of an invasion. Gates directed the "troop surge" in Iraq as well, so it's not like he's a saint either.

Chuck Hagel (Secretary of Defense 2013-15): He was one of the few Republicans who took pause at the Iraq War and the corroding influence of the Israeli lobby in Capitol Hill, although that didn't stop him from toeing the party line. As the Defense Secretary under Obama, he opposed escalating the conflicts in Syria and Ukraine, and refused to send soldiers or arm more rebels like the Obama administration wanted; Obama forced him out of his job as a result. Has not renounced his party allegiance, but definitively proved that he was to the left of the Democrats on foreign policy, which was not without an earful.

Jim Jeffords (Senator from Vermont 1989-2007): Switched to Independent in 2001, likely the earliest national figure to jump the ship.

Gary Johnson (Governor of New Mexico 1995-2003): Ignored by the Republicans during his attempt at receiving the 2012 Republican nomination for President due to his libertarian social views and use of polysyllabic words when speaking publicly. War the candidate for, shock, the Libertarian Party.

Abraham Lincoln: Funnily, he became a member of the National Union Party before his death.

Joe Scarborough (Representative from Florida 1995-2001): The first of many Republicans in the Trump-era GOP to (hopefully) wise up, Scarborough left the Republican Party in July 2017 following multiple verbal attacks from Donald Trump and is now an Independent.

Arlen Specter (Senator from Pennsylvania 1981-2011): Switched parties in 2010 out of fear of losing the Republican primary...then lost the Democratic primary.

Jim Webb (Senator from Virginia 2007-2013): He was so disgusted by the Iraq War that he became a Democrat. Ran for President in 2016 but never made it past the first debate.

↑In fact the GOP was originally a big tent centrist party based in the North that had inherited the legacy of the Whig Party. Factions included business conservatives, moderates (eventually "led" by Lincoln), liberals (led by Horace Greeley), radicals (led by Thaddeus Stevens), and nationalists who all agreed on a general dislike of slavery but not on much else nor on how to deal with it (the conservatives and moderates wanted to try to compromise whereas the liberals and even more so the radicals were more willing to illegalize slavery immediately).

↑It really shows what is a priority for libertarians. Trump is pro-war (unless it's an odd-numbered day, then he's a peacenik) and against legalized weed, wants Snowden executed, even more spying and possibly a way to shut down the entire internet, has proposed higher taxes than Rand, etc. Trump doesn't even care about auditing the Fed or returning to the gold standard as far as anyone knows (even Donald Fucking Trump isn't that stupid). So really all they cared about was the racism and regressive attitudes toward women—And Rand didn't deliver on those decisively or soon enough in his campaign.