12/4/11

The top ten items you should buy for your newly separated friend who moved out of her house cause the other person wouldn’t. (aka The Divorced Woman’s Christmas List)

My top ten must-haves for any friends you have might be thinking about shaking up their whole lives before the holidays. (But don’t actually count ‘em cause I’ve been known to get distracted and lose count.

10. A large wipe off calendar to hang in her pantry/kitchen/basement or garage. Please fill in said calendar for her with activities, coffee dates, happy hours and projects to keep her occupied and keep her mind off of the incredible challenges that will surely lie ahead. Sometimes if we have an inkling of what dangers lay ahead, we are too afraid to complete the quest. Distract her, my friends. Distract her.

9. A large shop-vac with many attachments. Odds are great that she won’t even realize she needs this until she moves into her new place and discovers that she needs to clean corners, fireplaces, closets, under sinks and other spots where mice might conveniently hide their poop.

8. Hundreds of mousetraps. If this person refuses to get a cat because she doesn’t want to become the lonely cat woman that everyone makes fun of, then be sure to give her plenty of mousetraps, rubber gloves, nose plugs and tiny garbage bags. (Also, please refer to item #1.)

7. Batteries; ALL kinds of batteries; D’s, C’s, AAA’s, AA’, AAAAA’s, X’s, and flat round ones. Also don’t forget the square ones for the smoke detectors that will go off in the middle of the night when not working and might force her to call her hunky neighbor who is still hiding from her after a crazy “Who’s your Daddy” microphone debacle. (Did I just use TWO semi-colons in one sentence? Jesus, I’m even impressing myself today.)

6. Flashlights. These go surprisingly well with the previous item, and are a must have when fixing the toilet, locating the fuse box, checking the fireplace flue and finding the cat who has gotten himself lodged into a space that was previously undiscovered. The flashlights are a must have, but are not something you remember to grab when leaving the home you’ve lovingly tended for 16 years. (And grab some extensions cords. For God's sake- grab the cords.)

5. A fully stocked spice cabinet. She’s gonna need ALL of it. Salt, pepper, paprika, celery salt, saffron, hot pepper flakes, vermouth, paprika, cinnamon, nutmeg, chicken broth, bitters, beef broth, vermouth, brown sugar, and all that other shit that you need in the middle of a recipe but have run out of. (Also refer to item #1.)

4. Stamps, envelopes, clips, sharpies and other various office supplies. She will use said envelopes and stamps to send notes, bills, child/spousal support payments to people who refuse to get a real job and anonymous gifts to others in need.

3. Cigars. Those small, deliciously flavored cigars are a lovely addition to the late night relaxing sessions on her quiet, lovely front porch. She will spend many an evening on said front porch swing using various items from her spice cabinet (Please refer to item #1), looking out at the incredible countryside and counting her amazing blessings.

2. A tool kit; a great big complete tool kit. She will use items from this tool kit EVERY SINGLE DAY. (You might want to tuck an extra toilet handle kit, a few gift cards to the local hardware store and some super glue. Trust me.)

You are very clever maybe you could open your own web business you could sell gift baskets for tough times. :) I am always trying to figure out how to help someone in need and I don't or shouldn't cook for otehrs lol. This seems like an awfully sarcastic comment but it is not meant to sound this way. <3

This is an important list....I walked out the door without any of it either and have had to start over. If I only knew then what I know now.You've done a great public service letting women know what to take with them.

Ah Vodka, get the cat. You are crazy fun and not crazy crazy, and you will never be lonely if we can help you.

Someone from Tightwad's side of the family needs to tell him to man up, get a job, and stop collecting child support from a teacher. I am amazed with what we get paid that you found a place yo could afford on your own and have no idea how you can pay child support.

Lol, I love this! Those really are good things for a newly single woman to have...I especially like the part about cigars- not all women like them, but I do! And booze is always helpful with, well...anything. I think Toilet Paper should be on that list too. And a...um, thing that uses batteries...and is like a man but better because it doesn't talk and can get turned on with a literal push of the button.

Brilliant post Vodka Mom! I did this a year ago...left because he wouldn't even consider it. But just this week realized I didn't have a tire pressure gage! You're an inspiration and a kindred spirit. Love your blog! Happy Holidays! Freedom is a good thing... amazingly difficult but good.

Damn, woman. I would've left behind the big stuff and taken all this little stuff with me JUST TO SPITE THE BASTARD. We brought all this stuff with us to the UK just because I refused to have to deal with it... Of course, if I was fed up and ready to go, I can also imagine just walking out the door. Gah. I admire your grit so much. Chin up and I hope all the things on your list appear! xoxo

Don't forget to tip the waitress. I really DO live on tips....

Cause I know you want to buy stuff...

About Me

I am a teacher, a writer, and the mother of three children. I've decided I'll never give up. No matter how many battles I lose; no matter how many tears I shed; no matter how many martinis I have to drink, I will continue to fight the good fight! I love to laugh, believe that every day is a new day, and thank God each morning that I am still here.