Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.

The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"

Thank you all who have posted for your support. I really do appreciate it and it helps a lot.

When we went in yesterday the nurse said right away ""She recognizes you". There was a slight change of expression around her eyes. As I talked to her I felt she blinked a couple of times in response, Other than that she is completely motionless. They have hooked her up to an iv and are giving her oxygen through a nasal canula. She is off all meds other than what they are giving her for pain, They watch for discomfort by her facial expressions or body twitches and adjust meds according. She has a slight rattle when breathing and her breathing is somewhat shallow.

I am confident that they know what they are doing and that she is getting the best care possible.

I came back to the hotel to rest and also to connect with the kids about their feelings and needs about ceremony afterwards and will go into the NH later today again. I am tired and weepy and can feel that the fm discomfort is not far away. Generally I do better in the evenings and I may need to stay overnight with mother one of these days. Meanwhile I will do what I can within my limitations,

I have talked with each of my kids and they are fine with no ceremony here afterwards. As well, travelling for them is not the best right now so that lifts a load off me, There are a few people here who might come to a ceremony but they haven't contacted mother in a couple of years, so I don't feel any obligation to them. Mother wants to be cremated and buried in my father's plot in the cemetery local to our old home town in Ontario. We will have a service in the old church there when it is convenient for family and that is enough.

No question that this is her time. She is sailing away from this world in her longboat, sails catching the wind, with azure sky overhead. She will reach her Valhalla as she has fought many battles successfully and her blue eyes will sparkle again.

Margaret - I am sorry for the rifts. I think it is not that uncommon. All I know is that today is another day and I can work on bettering relationships now, but I can't undo the past. My close and extended family is rife with personality disorder types and also some very nice people. It hurts when it is your kids. I gave been through seasons with each of mine but currently it's kind of live and let live with the difficulties (acceptance) and make the best of what we have, but with my sister, once mother is gone, I will cut that relationship off. If I were you, I would put a stop to the "abusive" and "mental health" statements in that either they come up with some constructive ways to deal things between you (name calling is not amongst them) or they shut up on that topic. I am sorry the counselling didn't work. It can be very helpful.

duck -so glad your lungs are better and therapy is going well. That is great news. Also that you have another appointment with the lawyer. Good luck with that.

cmag - waiting for that closure would be difficult. What distractions can you plan for yourself in the meanwhile?

There are no heirs on the deed and I was told by social worker that house goes to state if there are no heirs.

My therapy is great. Therapist says he sees the growth. I notice it two.. I dont get so emotional or go from 1 -100 in a second. I just try to be thankful and sometimes I look back and it touches my heart when I think of the many angels and love God has put in my life.

I am still a lonely girl sometimes. Thes holidays make it worse. Thinking of years past, good moments and memories with loved ones. The little tree I got from the trift shop is looking better and better. Sometimes I regret even going there because its one more thing for me to stress about doing, Went to check on insurances this week also becauese I am going to need. I need a thyroid biopsy and also my walking, knee and hip issues are not going anywhere or getting any better not to mention my blood pressure.. I may be paying more than 800 a month much more to get the services I need. The poor get tax credit and help and the rich can afford to pay outlandish prices. But what about us in the middle. Always left out to the range of benefits. Seems like the middle takes the slack of the poor and the rich. No offense meant to anyone okay. Sometimes it seems its better not to work, medicaid eligibility for housing etc......... But no way would I stop working even when I get old enough to retire God willing, I will work as long as I can.Well, I'm out. Sleep tight and dont let the bed bugs bite.

Today, my emotions related to my dad's death back on October 6 started again with the delivery of his ashes to my house by the postal service. When I read on the box the date of his cremation, I realized that the state of Maryland could have had these ashes to me for his memorial service in Ohio three weeks after his death near his home. Now, I must make another trip up there and it is frozen there already. I'm sure his only living sibling will want to attend the internment of my dad's ashes where his parents are buried with a military marker and the playing of taps. That will likely mean waiting until the spring for warmer weather. I'm not sure that my emotions can handle that long of a wait.

Good News!? I saw my pulmonary specialist on Thursday. I have had issues with my lungs since I went to the world trade center to volunteer in 2001. I thought I would console, save lives or just help people it was ominous no patients and less than a month later I started coughing and I have been coughing ever since. So when I got in this wtc health program I had lung scan, that showed two nodules and early signs of emphysema. My cough was so bad in the beginning that I almost. Anytways not to dabbble babble.but the second scan shows no emphysema and one nodule. I shed tears of joy. Of course the Dr. says emphysema does not reverse and scan was probably misread. I am leaning towards being healed. I have been taking NAC for 4 years and I noticed the gradual improvement in my cough and decreased duration period when I get congestion from a cold or other triggers.

So I tried to get my cousin to take it. I wish I could have convinced her to take it. She was in hospital two weeks ago for fluid accumulting in lungs. Now she is in ICU on respirator. She called me a couple of times to speak with doctor on speaker phone about a treatment for high potassium, insulin and dextrose and then my aunt call me tonight to call hospital after they called before they intubated her. I am feeling some kind of way. I feel frozen, stuck. I remember so clearly when she was a baby and how I would sit and hold her and read to her. Her mother( who was my aunt) and I were very very close, She passed away in 1999. Sham is only 41, she has been through so much. Please keep her in your prayers.

So it felt funny to be included in Shams care but not in my own mothers care.

Then on top of that, I have kind of stopped stressing so much with the house keeping. Not doing as much in a spirit that if they feel something should be done they can do. I guess my nephew did read and contemplate my texts because he swept the first floor. I was on my way to doctor, left my phone and returned to get it. He was sweeping when I left. But its just like with his mother, It could be a one time thing. In any case It helps and its sad and I am not impressed as its something I dont think he did much of when he was living in the house. Same as his mother.

Then my mother smells. I have been trying to get her to bath. It insults her no matter how nice I try to tell her she needs to bathe. Its almost like she is a homeless person though not that bad but on her way there. Its noticeable only when she moves a certain way and then it hits. In anycase the pants are hard with spills. So I am pissed that my sister who is in charge of her care is neglecting to address it. MY nephew also. So devoted but missing these signs that she needs help, We have vent heat and today before I left I caught her pooring coffee in the fresh air vent in floor of the hall.

I fed her good on my days off. But saturday when I came down after I had turned in because I forgot to buy cigarillos she had taken some things I had hidden out the freezer and made a mess.

I am sorry to hear about the issues some have posted about their children, Chemical imbalances and sometimes nutritional issues can cause problems. I wish you all patience wisdom and understanding as you work through this. Its hard. My cousin has same type issue with her oldest daughter. She kicked her in stomach in her late pregnancy with the second oldest girl. This same aunt bad talked her parenting. Sometimes I saw her the way I would see how my mother treated me and wondered if it was hereditary as two other cousins had same type issue. But then the daugher had other issues to. Who knows , I just think we have to pray in so many issues. and if we cant fix it then we have to learn how to live with it. Which is what I am trying to do with my twisted and her son and my mother.

I did make another lawyer apointment, objective get my mother home attendant and make sure the house does not go to the state.

Hugs, Golden, thinking of you and your mom. Have a safe trip, and prayers for peace and comfort as you and your mom walk through this, whatever the journey may look like. You have done a great job of looking after her.

Ahh, Golden. Thinking of you and family. Thinking back you thought she would pass a year and a half ago and she kept going. She is that strong Viking stock. Safe travels and take care of yourself. Hoping all goes as well as it possibly can. You have done a great job for your mom. (((HUGS)))!!!

Golden, sad but inevitable about your mother. My heart skipped a beat (okay, I gasped) when I read your news about your mom no longer eating/drinking. I immediately thought of my mom. I'm really glad that your mom is already in facility to help keep her comfort to the end of her journey... Safe travel .. And take care... Hope your FM doesn't flare badly at this stressful time. {{{ HUGS }}}

Barb, I got my daughter to go with counselling with me, 18 months ago. The one thing agreed on is that it was a disaster. The counsellor encouraged us both to tell each other our problems, and then just left us with it. My daughter's only indication of my shortcomings was that I have become 'coarse and crude' since moving to the country (and it's hard to ignore animal behaviour on a farm). My only previous experience with a counsellor was an equally disastrous marriage guidance session long ago, so I’m not anxious to try again. I’m sure that some professionals would have to be better, but trial and error is a painful way to search.

😂I went to Amazon to see if there was a "Love Bombing" - Oliver James' technique - equivalent for over 18s. Didn't find that, but did see this wonderful review...

Bradyboo1.0 out of 5 stars11 March 2017Format: PaperbackVerified PurchaseI ordered this book and instead of Love Bombing arriving, I received a Henry the Hoover bag. Whilst this was a delightful surprise, I do not think that Henry and the vacuuming of dust mites will help my relationship with my son. Although it could help him to start taking responsibility household tasks.

You have my sympathy, and empathy. I have a 20-year old daughter who is not speaking to me or hubs either. She does have mental health issues, and began acting out at 16 after having previously been a good student and a good kid. But way more than normal teenage rebellion. WAY more. I still have trouble wrapping my head around why. Her illness and the chemical imbalance have been explained to me, and hereditary issues (my mother has some of the same issues), but those fail to explain it for me adequately. It feels almost like mourning a child who is still alive, in a way.

I know I was young, naive and immature when I had her with no parental experience whatsoever (she's my firstborn), and have things I have had to answer and apologize for (and have done so), but I don't understand her mindset. I do know in my family I have narcissistic relatives who are willing to enable her irresponsible decisions, whereas husband and I are not. That's a whole other story in itself.

As far as how to resolve it, I wish I had a better answer for the both of us. First, I would say reach out and see if you could maybe meet up and talk about things to try and understand why she feels as she does. That may or may not be helpful. My daughter is all about getting her way right now, and hanging out with those who enable her, and really doesn't have anything to say to those of us who don't.

It may come down to just having to let go for the time being. I believe in prayer, and I do pray almost every day for my daughter. Whether it ever changes my daughter's life, pouring my heart out to God has helped ME to find a measure of healing and peace in it all. Talking it over with my therapist has too.

Hugs, I know it is hard when your own child turns on you, and you don't understand it at all. Like my husband's mom says about parenthood (she is Mexican and he said she used this figure of speech a lot), "You raise crows to claw your eyes out." Sometimes that's very true.

Margaret, adult children are hard to figure. I have had some problems with my oldest, on and off, nearly all her life. She misinterprets things I say sometimes. Went 6 months when I was caring for mom and did not speak to her. All because she was believing (I think) some of the crazy stories ts1 was telling her. And at that point dd seemed to be siding with the twisteds. I don't get it at all and it seems to have blown over now. I was so hurt by twisteds actions and what they were saying I was looking for validation, I think, from my kids. They felt I was trying to place them in the middle of the dysfunction. Maybe that was the result, but not my motive.

When our kids are grown they have their own ideas and lives. We have to be very careful what we say and do. Don't know what to say other than that. But it does happen a lot. I just had to learn to let it go, and not stew over it, as that would do nothing than to cause me lost sleep and additional stress. There really is no explanation for it. They are who they are. You have to be willing to accept what they offer.

"A mother's place is in the wrong." Can't remember where I saw that, probably on a t-shirt. Very funny. Until it's you.

Well, they're probably reading too many articles. Or not enough of the right articles. It seems improbable that five out of six offspring of three households would have suffered abuse as defined, for example, by the Tavistock Clinic.

But then again, "how defined" is the question, isn't it?

You don't have to apologise for wrongdoing, especially if it's so nebulous you're not clear what you've done. In fact, I can't see how you would do that and not lay yourself open to further accusations of hypocrisy on the one hand or sarcasm on the other. But you can tell them, and I imagine with complete sincerity, that you are very sorry that they are hurt and you would love to understand what they're thinking.

Doesn't work for me, I have to admit. I definitely do have things to apologise for, but when I try they make excuses for me. So either they've already secretly burned me in effigy and got over it, or they're a lot more mature than I ever was, or I can look forward to a meltdown in a few years' time.

Oldest sister’s problems are with 2 of 2 sons, me with 1 of 2 daughters, youngest sister with 1 son and 1 of 2 daughters. Unmarried are 1 of oldest and 1 daughter of youngest, others married, no recent personal traumas. Thank you for answering, it’s taken me a long time to get this out and any sympathy is appreciated. It seems bizarre.

I wonder if anyone can comment on the problems felt at present by my two sisters and I, all in our 70s. Our single mother was a strong woman who was competent and rather blunt, and raised us to be the same. The three of us now have at least one adult child in their 40s who is angry, critical, not speaking, dealing out comments like ‘abusive’ and ‘mental health problems’, and generally making their mother very unhappy. None of them has done as well as we have, one way or another. None of us are putting them down. Each sister is at a loss to understand why or what to do about it. My current guess is that the difficult offspring resented our competence but had nothing coherent to rebel about. I can throw ‘narcissism’ about – it is clearly all about ‘me’- but that doesn’t say what to do to mend the breaches. We have trouble apologising for things that have never been made clear. Any helpful comments would be greatly appreciated.

I’ve been reading just not commenting. It’s been so cold here along with less day light and clouds, I’m dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I ordered a lamp specifically for SAD, so heres hoping it helps!

I hope everyone is faring well as winter officially approaches. To me it’s been winter for a month already, lol!

My ears pricked up yesterday evening when I was half-watching a tv programme about the lives and loves of farm animals in Wales; and they moved on to an item about sheep on Mount Snowdon.

These hardy flocks migrate to the highest pastures every spring, and once they're past a certain point on the route they all know their way to their own flocks' territories; there are no fences or fixed boundaries; and the knowledge is passed down from ewe to lamb, "l'dor v'dor" in Hebrew, from generation to generation.

The presenter went on to say that it is thought that it was the Viking invaders who started the tradition, back in the 8th and 9th centuries. 1200 years of trekking determinedly up and down the mountain to get the sweetest new grass.

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