Glamorama Wastes Your Time With The NBA!

This is the newest of glorious inconsistently updated Pooke features. Here, I will break down 3 random NBA players in fairly lazy fashion, and then somehow try to decide which wrestler they remind me the most of. I am not sure why I am doing any of this. Let’s go.

Mike Bibby –

Pros: Still a consistent 18 to 25 foot shooter as long he’s open…So clutch at one point in his career, that he took away attention from Chris Webber shitting himself live on national television…well groomed…

Cons: Can be turned into a human lay-up line…makes no shots ever if guarded at this point in his career…doesn’t pass well or rebound at all…became one of the living dead some time during the 2009-10 season…during any stoppage of game, he nearly collapses in a sweating mushy pile of fatigue…Saw him on the Knicks bench and immediately considered it the equivalent of burning a few million dollars…

Wrestler I Would Compare Him To: Jerry Lynn…Never made it as a true star, but had a few moments of true greatness…Both mens’ bodies are probably in a fair amount of pain at this point…Jerry Lynn is a fucking dork who throws up the metal horns and death metal grunts, Mike Bibby is a fucking dork who does that awful infuriating little dance after he makes more than 1 jumper in a row…

Boris Diaw:

Pros: Really well rounded player, can do a little bit of everything… Great court vision for a player of his size, good rebounder, has range… What could possibly be the downside?

Cons: Big ol’ lazy fatass is the answer to the question I just asked. Only shows up in contract years, notorious for his inability to do sit ups ever…Once came into training camp bragging about how he hadn’t touched a basketball in months…Is named Boris…

Wrestler I Would Compare Him To: Matt Hardy…Both were given chances to make themselves a name (Hardy with his return to feud with Edge over Lita, Boris being plugged into the D’Antoni Suns when they still had some firepower left) and blew them spectacularly…Personal problems have ended up defining them more than anything (Hardy and his numerous arrests, Diaw putting butter on fucking everything)…Sadly enough, both guys at one point had talent to spare and just did nothing with it…Boris IS however in the final year of his contract, so he’s gonna be playing for some house money…Matt Hardy is still fat LOLZ MEME INTERNET JOKE…

Zaza Pachulia:

Pros: Legitimately tough and has no problem proving this to bitchy “NBA Tough” players who quickly realize this bastard will actually fight you…Kevin Garnett is very obviously afraid of him…Total banger, doesn’t mind getting punched in the dick or eye gouged as long as he can record a few offensive rebounds in the process

Cons: Fucking terrible at all other aspects of basketball that do not include almost starting fights…Really is truly hideous…Probably cannot jump higher than me and most of my right ankle is pieces of metal held together by sheer will power…

Wrestler I would Compare Him To: Maxx Payne…Doesn’t bring a lot to the table, but can be very useful when challenging another team’s top dog or using mustard and balsa wood as a weapon in a brawl taking place at the concession stands…Certainly accepting of their roles as “Guys who don’t do things well, but make other people bleed internally”…Zaza is from the country of Georgia, Maxx once worked for WCW which is based out of the state of Georgia…