Anything Goes (1956) Movie Script

- Hi. - Here he is. Very large tonight. What took you so long? I was scraping off my makeup, tons of it. Say, you two all right up there? You know the problem, honey. Any time you want a little of mine... - Excuse me, darlings. - Hello, Victor, how are you? All right, Vic, it's a nice party. Hiya, Lottie. - Hi, Mr. Benson. - Check the billing! Man, you went the full route, didn't you? You know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you, Bill. - You hungry? - No. - Thirsty? - I can wait a little bit. Want a girl to... - No, I'm too tired. - Can I carry you? - Victor, put your pen away, will you? - Good evening, Bill. Hi, Fritzi. I told you I wasn't going to sign a contract... till I know who's going to play the other fellow. - We'll find somebody. - It's not as simple as that. We gotta have a fellow who's young, who can sing, dance, act. Leave it to me. It's easy. It's easy, huh, Victor? I don't know anybody like that. Neither do I. That's what's so exciting about it. There's this unknown genius waiting to be discovered somewhere... - and we have no idea where he is. - That's very exciting. - What's that? - Sounds like a raid. Look who's here! It's nobody, just Ted Adams. Otto! Give them a break. Here you are. Aren't they wonderful? Thank you. They really love me. Thank you very much. Thank you. Hey, that was some reception, huh? A year ago, nobody ever heard of him. Fastest rise of anyone in television. - Did you ever see him work? - No, I live in a fringe area. What kind of guest of honor are you? They're all screaming for you. - Come on! - Why didn't you tell me? Teddy, baby! Look here. Hello, Victor. I'm glad you didn't wait for me. Do you hear that? Ad lib. You know the boys. Yes. Otto. Marty. Make yourself at home. We can't stay very long. Tallulah's waiting. Right. Did you tell Bill that I've decided to do the show with him? - Yes. - What did he say? What did he say? What could he say? He's crazy about the idea. This is it. It'll open the second act. Why don't you try it? Bill! Excuse me, darlings. - Ted, you know Bill Benson. - Sure. - How do you do? Nice to see you, Ted. - Thank you. - See, I can't tell you how excited I am... - He's a great fan of yours. Oh, yes, ever since I was a kid. Really, you don't know how excited I was when Victor told me... Yes, sir, a great fan. How about the number? Well, I've only just seen the verse, but I'll take a hack at it. They should erect a statue to the guy Who first thought of hitting someone with a pie Call it hokum, hoke, or what you will It sure got a laugh and they're laughing still And nothing sounds quite as glorious As a laugh that's real uproarious. Cut, here. Time. This calls for two fellows. I need another guy. You do? Why don't you run through it with him? Thank you, darling. Got it. Give them elegant prose Noel Coward bon mots Yeah, and tres gay. You'll get notices But you'll go broke If the hero's flustered Hit him with a custard You gotta give the people hoke. Do your best tour jet From a classic ballet And they'll rush to the lobby and smoke Add a tiny pratfall And you'll be running that ball You gotta give the people hoke Now the critics may say it's trash But trash or not, it's a smash We've done it again And the crowds are standing in line 'Cause Winchell thinks it's just fine Every year at the Met They go deeper in debt You would think that it's time they awoke They don't want Pagliacci Give them Liberace That would be a master stroke You gotta give the people The ticket-buyin' people You gotta give the people hokum, hokum You gotta give 'em hokum We doubt if you'll get a laugh By quoting all of Falstaff But you'll get the loudest guffaws By rapping all your in-laws Though they can't tell you why They just laugh till they cry At the physical kind of a joke Go ahead, son, take your best shot. Live! Keep it good and corny Maine or Californy Idaho or Roanoke You gotta give the people The ticket-buyin' people You gotta give the people hoke - Hey, come on. Come on, let's go. - Wait, wait, wait. Let them cry a little. Milk it. Here we go. If someone's hit with a fish You can think what you wish But you'll probably laugh till you choke You gotta give the people The ticket-buyin' people You gotta give the people hoke. You gotta give the people The ticket-buyin' people You gotta give the people hoke - Listen to that, will you? - Where did you dig them bits, anyhow, man? - You were great! - Was I really? Oh, yeah. How were you breaking them falls? - With my veins. - Bravo. Bravissimo. Hey, wait a minute. Wait for me. Wait... That's a pretty funny kid. He's got a lot of talent, you know it? He's not bad. - Not bad? How's it, Eddie? - Hi, Bill. Had enough turkey? Excuse me, darling. Hey, I just got an idea, there. What about this kid for the show? - You mean Ted and you? - Why not? He sings, dances, acts, takes a beautiful fall. He's never done a Broadway show before. He's starring in his own television show. - It's certainly an interesting idea, isn't it? - Why, certainly. - Am I interrupting? - Why, no. Not at all. I just wanted to tell you how excited I am about our doing a show together. I knew you would like him. Of course, I'd love to do the show with you. Well, I'd really be doing it with you. Let's say you'll be doing it with each other. We'll all be partners. 'Course, there are certain points to be ironed out. Billing... Get him. He's always thinking about business. I don't care about the billing. The important thing is I'm gonna get to work with Ted. Fine, Bill. Fine. We'll work out a division of songs. The customers will be coming to hear Bill sing. I'll take the songs that are left. Fine, Ted. Fine. I don't suppose... Not having had a cast up until a couple of minutes ago... I don't suppose you've got any rehearsal dates set yet, huh? August 1. That's only eight weeks away! - Have you got a leading lady? - Not yet. But we'll find one. It's a good part. It's a great part. A fresh, young American girl... who searches for love. - And sings and dances. - Yeah. If you run across the right girl, sign her. Anyone you like is fine with me. Me too. I'll let you fellows handle the problems. - I'm on my way to France. - What's in France? What, are you kidding? I'm going to Europe myself, you know. - Are you really? - Honestly. - We could be there together. - Where are you going to be? - Teddy boy. - I'll tell you, we... You'd better adios those kids in the alley. - Excuse me. - Sure. What a combination. Yeah. You know, I think we got a chance to come up with a pretty good show here. About the billing, you'll see that Teddy's taken care of, huh? - Sure. You said... - You know, nothing fancy... just "with Ted Adams" sort of down under the name of the show... - in through there somewhere, like. - Sure. You said... And see that he has a couple of songs to sing, huh? - But Bill... - I know, I know... you think the people are coming in to see me... but we can't just have him standing around. - You owe me this dance. - Daphne, is this our dance? Well, come... Pardon me. Would you hold these for after? - Thank you. - Bill, listen. Bill! Bill. Yeah. Those crazy kids, they can't get enough of me. - Where's Bill? - Dancing. - He's a great talent. - Yes, he... As long as you're careful what songs he sings. - His range isn't too good, you know. - His range? Yeah. But don't misunderstand me, I think he's amazing... for someone who's been around as long as he has. You know, I think his name should be right below mine. - But you said that... - Oh, it's not that I care... but you know how sensitive a million fans can be. - But you said... - And you'll probably want me... to sing all the ballads for you. But I know that you'll take care of Pops with something. He's a great talent. We'd better be taking off. Tallulah. Yeah, right. Let's be careful about our leading lady, huh? We mustn't get anyone who clashes with my personality. This show is going to be great fun. - Good night, Victor. - Good night. Good night! You all set with Junior? - Perfect. - Great. Thank you. Really, at this hour. Disgusting! Really! Evening, stranger. Good evening. I'm sorry. In olden days a glimpse of stocking Was looked on as something shocking Now, heaven knows Anything goes Good authors, too Who once knew better words Now only use three letter words Writing prose Anything goes The world has gone mad today And good's bad today And black's white today And day's night today When most guys today That women prize today Are just silly gigolos So if romance is what you're cravin' Don't sit on your hands behavin' Like Eskimos Anything goes When wrestlers go to drama classes To learn how to please the masses On TV shows Anything goes And when the craze for dancing's spreadin' Until even Grandpa's treadin' On Grandma's toes Anything goes Consider the books we got The new looks we got The fool fads we got The mad ads we got The crazy games we've got The ladies' names we've got For each hurricane that blows Hey, all you Jills and you Joes Get yourself up on your toes It's apropos So anything goes This kid great or is she great? She's great. Who is she, anyhow? I don't know. Patsy somebody or other. "Patsy Blair." Come in, Sybil. I have a confession: I'm not Sybil. My name is Bill Benson. Yes, I know. Imagine meeting you here. In a spot like this, some people like to say, "It's a small world." Won't you sit... - Take this. - No, no thanks, I've been sitting out front. I want to tell you something: You were just wonderful. Coming from you, that's... It is a small world, isn't it? Yeah, and I'd like to make it smaller, too, because... I'd like to talk you into doing a show with me. I think I'll sit down. How come you've never been on Broadway? I've been living abroad for quite a while. That's good for their side, but it's bad for ours. You're going to do your show in New York? Sure. I'm afraid I couldn't, then. Maybe I didn't make myself quite clear or something. This is the lead in the show. It's a wonderful part. I can't go home. I mean... Oh, hi, darling. Full house tonight, honey. Great audience. Thanks, honey. Mr. Benson, this is my father. Evening, stranger. - How are you? - Fine. Out in the audience there tonight, he couldn't even remember your name. What do you mean? Funny coincidence, but your father had the seat right next to me. Yeah. Yes, I did. Honey, you were never better. When you made that turn, when you come in... Dad. How did you happen to be sitting next to Mr. Benson? Just one of those crazy, mixed-up things. It certainly was. Gee, I had no idea I was coming here tonight. I was supposed to go to this dinner party... and then I got a call that the hostess is ill... and the dinner party is off, and then... a messenger showed up... with a ticket for the show. Just one of those crazy, mixed-up things, huh? I hope they're not still waiting dinner for me. Man, that soup's gonna be rigid. Thanks. I knew you were a regular. - How could you do this? - I'm your father, ain't I? When I heard that Bill Benson was in town and needed a leading lady... I thought I'd do him a favor and let him look at you. The lady says no. He's doing the show in America. - I know he is, honey. - You do? I decided it's time we go back home. Dad. You see, my steel interests have kept me pretty well tied up here in Europe. But now I figure that they can run alone. I got everything all straightened out. If you still want me, Mr. Benson, you have yourself a leading lady. - Do I? How soon do you close here? - Day after tomorrow. Wonderful, just wonderful. Now we're in business, huh? So long, you stranger. Cheerio, Bill. Say, look, I've got to fly to Paris to meet Ted Adams. Why don't you join us at Le Havre, and then we'll catch the boat for the States? Who is Ted Adams? Thank you. Thank you, you are a doll! I'll see you on the boat. Thank you very much, Mr. Benson. Good luck, Patsy. Nice fellow. He's gonna get us back home. Oh, Dad. Are you sure it's safe for you to go home? Of course, it is. Honey, you're dealing with a genius. Why, I've got everything worked out, too. It's going to be just fine. Thank you, darling. Bill's gonna flip when he learns I signed you for the lead in our show. - Flip? - Jump for joy. Yes. I'm sure glad I came to Paris. And I'm so excited about going to America. You have promised to take me to so many wonderful places. It will take us years. I'm in no hurry. You know, it's funny, when I look at you, I... I think I'd better get out to my table. I left word at the hotel to bring Bill over as soon as he arrived. He should be here now. You Americans are so funny. - Why? - Life is for to enjoy. You always think of business, business, business. Yeah. You're all set to do the number in English, aren't you? - All set. - Good. 'Cause I want Pops to understand everything. He will. Well, kill the people, honey. Kill the people? What have they done? Well... Bye. - Well! - Hi. Welcome aboard, partner. Did you have a nice trip? Fine. Say, what's this nightclub bit anyhow? They didn't give me a chance to unpack or anything. - Practically shanghaied me down here. - You'll see. This way, Monsieur Adams. S'il vous plat, Monsieur. You seem to have been this route before. Yeah, well, it's a relief from the museums. How was London? Simply wizard. I found a big surprise over there. You're going to find a big surprise here. If I do say so myself, I think I turned a tricky bit of business. Never mind that now. Why, you just arrived in Paris. You funny Americans. That's all you think about: Business, business, business! Life is for to enjoy. Well! I can see I didn't get here a minute too soon, huh? Her story is much too sad to be told 'Cause practically everything leaves her totally Cold Cold Cold Cold Cold Cold I get no kick from champagne Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all So, tell me, why should it be true That I get a kick out of you? Some like their perfume from Spain I'm sure that if I took even one whiff That would bore me terrifically, too Yet I get a kick out of you I get a kick every time I see you standing there Before me I get a kick Though it's clear to me You obviously don't adore me I get no kick in a plane Flying too high with some guy in the sky Is my idea of nothing to do. Yet I get a kick Out of you Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold I get no kick in a plane Flying too high with some guy in the sky Is my idea of nothing to do But I get a kick Out of you - Isn't she formidable? - She's quite good. I'd say... Yeah, and the way she moves. You know, there aren't many voices like that around anymore. Oh, man. You've got it bad, haven't you? It's nothing personal. I'm just looking at her as a talent. - A fellow artist. - Yeah, that's the idea. She's... - She's quite a fellow, all right. - I knew you'd be surprised. I got a surprise for you, too. Wait till you see what's coming over from London. - You got an antique? - No, she still has a few years to go. - She? - Yeah, I signed a leading lady. You know, for a minute, I thought you said... You signed our leading lady? Yeah, she'll be here tomorrow. Her name is Patsy Blair. You couldn't have signed anybody. Why not? We all agreed, if I found a girl I like, sign her. I know, but I... Hello, it's nice of you to drop by. I know you must be very busy. Bill, did I ever tell you the first... I'm sorry, this is... Anyway, this is... You must be "Pops." Yeah. Certainly mighty nice to make your acquaintance, madam. Like American? Look, I can straighten out the whole thing. But it shouldn't be straightened out. - His accent is charming. - Yeah, but I... Oh, his accent! It's charming? Well. - Why don't we sit down? - As a matter of fact... we were just going. You see, it's an emergency... An emergency. What are you talking about? We're in Paris. Let's relax a little. Life is for to enjoy. Bravo. I always tell Teddy, life is for to enjoy. He's always so nervous. Me? No, you see... Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very... - It's all right. - Excuse me. I loved your performance. Thank you. Doing a big stage show, that I am excited about. You're so right. The theater gives one an opportunity for self-expression. I'm terribly sorry. I took this... Very shaky glasses. Speaking of shaky glasses, reminds me of a summer in Cincinnati... People must like to do a show with you. I don't know, some people like escargots. Speaking of escargots... - you remind me, I had a bunch of snails... - I hope you agree... I hope you agree with Ted that my English is good enough for Broadway. It's catching, isn't it? I seem to be running out of tobacco. You can get tobacco here. No, this is a special English blend. I can't even get it in New York. Speaking of New York, did Ted tell you about the part you're playing in our show? All about it. The sizzling French girl who searches for love. And sings and dances. French girl. That's very interesting. - Yes. - I think it is fascinating. I will be wonderful in it. I hope Ted didn't make too difficult a business deal with you? He was most generous. And it is an ironclad contract. Yes, that's a handy kind. It's hard to believe that tomorrow morning we will all be on the boat together. Yes. One never knows what tomorrow will bring. Well, this calls for a celebration! Shall we show Bill what the real Paris looks like? I will get my bag. Excuse me. - He liked you! - I hope so! Tell me, how did you happen to sign a French girl? Last time I looked at our play, the girl was an American. Gaby showed me how to fix that. She's very clever. I could see that. And she likes you. I suppose so. I was watching the way you handled her, so unctuous and suave. You seem to just... say the right thing at the right time, you know? Instinct, I guess. Tell me something. Did you have much trouble charming her into doing our show? No, not a bit. No, she'd do anything for me. Good. Then you won't have any trouble charming her out of the show. Yeah. - What? - You'll love Patsy. She's great. Since she's doing the lead in our show, I don't suppose there's any sense... in having an extra French girl hanging around, is there? - Now, but look... - You'll handle it beautifully, I know. You can tell me all about it tomorrow morning at breakfast on the boat. Now, wait a minute. l... Nice to have you aboard, partner. Yeah, but now... You... Where is Bill going? He's tired. He's going back to the hotel. Too bad. Such a waste. What? Nothing. What did he say about me doing the show? What did he say? What did he say? Well... what could he say? He said without you, this show is not going on. I am so happy. I wouldn't change places with anyone in the world. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Blair. Ladies and gentlemen, all visitors ashore. - Bill. - Ahoy there, or whatever it is you say. "'Ahoy" plays pretty good. I was getting a little worried about you two. Relax. Nothing could have kept us from catching this boat. - Hey, Teddy. Ted. - Bill! Good. I see you're alone. Nice going, boy. Say, allow me to present Ted Adams. This is Patsy Blair... - and her father, Steve Blair. - Hello. - Hi. - How do you do? I thought maybe I'd see you on the boat train in Paris. It was such a nice day, I decided to walk. Man, I'm proud of you, you're right in there. This is the Rock of Gibraltar, this fellow. If you ever need a kid to depend on, there's your boy. That's nice to know. I'll remember. And I'll remind you. I thought we might do a little rehearsing on board. - You know, kind of routine some numbers? - Good idea. I got a couple of rooms reserved. Matter of fact, we got one at 3:00. Fine. Luggage! I got to see about my luggage. Well, here we go. Excuse me. There's a wonderful thing about going away on a boat. What's that? You know you're leaving all your troubles on shore. Thanks. No, he's not there, either. Seems to have disappeared. You don't think anything could have happened to him, do you? - To Ted? No. - Then I wonder why he isn't here. Maybe the traffic was heavy. - I call his cabin. - Oh, no, no, I wouldn't do that. - Come on, let's get started. - All right, I'm ready. Now, when the orchestra commences, I think I'll have you standing center stage. You'll be seated. No, I think you'll be standing. On second thought, I think I'll have you seated while I sing the verse. At words poetic I'm so pathetic That I always have found it best Instead of getting 'em off my chest To let 'em rest, oh babe, unexpressed. I hate parading my serenading As I'll probably skip a bar But if this ditty is not so pretty At least it'll tell you how great you are You're the top! You're the Coliseum You're the top! You're the Louvre Museum You're a melody From a symphony by Strauss You're a Bendel bonnet A Shakespeare sonnet You're Mickey Mouse You're the Nile Tell me, tell me. You're the Tower of Pisa You're the smile Of the Mona Lisa I'm a worthless check A total wreck, a flop But if, baby, I'm the bottom You're the top! You're the top! Come to me, come to me. You're the Eiffel Tower You're the top! You're an April shower You're the leading men In the season's ten best plays You're the voice of Dinah You're Dresden China You're bouillabaisse. You're the top! You are the apple strudel You're the top! You're a Yankee Doodle I'm a case of gout A "be" without a "bop" But, if baby, I'm the bottom You're the top! You're sublime You're a turkey dinner You're the time Of the derby winner I'm a shaky show About to go kerplop But if, baby, I'm the bottom But if, baby, I'm the bottom But if, baby, I'm the bottom You're the top! No, the last time you crossed with us was five years ago, Mr. Benson. That's right. They don't make ships the way they used to, Captain. I beg your pardon? Father means he hasn't been on a ship in some time. What business is your father in? - Steel. - Timber. - Steel. - Timber. I'm a tycoon. Oh, no. The Rock of Gibraltar wouldn't do that to me. Good evening, Captain. - Good evening. - Good evening. - Good evening, Captain. - But we have just arrived. - Hello, Bill. - Hello, Gaby. Hello, Rock. You shall sit right here, next to me. Baroness de Rombourt. Fraulein von Wirbelstein. I was hoping to see you this afternoon. The rehearsal went on wonderfully. - We... - Oui, oui! - Are you in the theater, Miss Duval? - Yes, l... The theater! Oh, there's nothing like the good old theater. Nothing. I'm rehearsing for a play, too. - How interesting. Which one? - Ibsen. Now, there's a fellow who could write a play. I'll never forget his Doll's House. - Nora... - It's called... - Nora Bayes. A great singer. - Who is in your... Singer's Midgets. Oh, the carnival and the tattooed man. I was going to tell you about... - Rose tattoo. - Rose Bernstein. Who's Rose Bernstein? She was married to a teacher in Scranton. Great gal. Excuse me. Would you care to freshen up, Miss Duval? - Yes. - No. I mean, you look fresh. I like you just the way you are. Thank you, Bill. Anyway, he can't miss the first dance. It's bad luck. Terrible luck! Would you like to dance with me? Sure, I'd love to. Will you excuse us? As long as this seems to be Sadie Hawkins Night... would you care to dance, Mr. Adams? - I'd love to. Excuse us. - Please. Ted should have been there this afternoon, shouldn't he? It was so exciting, and we had... Did you guess we would be dancing together tonight? To tell you the truth, no. - I did. - You did? When I am with a man, I want to be all with him. I do not want just a piece of his attention. I'm sorry. I guess I was preoccupied. When you are with a girl like me and you are preoccupied... it means that you do not know much about a girl like me. I want to get something. Ted. Would you excuse me a moment? I have to see Bill about something. - Why, certainly. - Thanks. I'll see you around. All right. Around the port side of the sports deck in 15 minutes? Fine. If I don't show up, don't worry. It just means that I've been thrown overboard. Boy, are you in trouble. I'm in trouble? Don't you remember in New York when you and Victor agreed... that I should find a girl for our show? I meant it, but I never expected to run into a talent like Gaby. She's French, partner. I told you how easy it is to make it a French girl, partner. - That's not our play. - Why don't we write in an extra part? This story is about two men and one girl. Couldn't we squeeze another girl in? The only other woman in the story is a 62-year-old Swedish pastry cook. Look, why don't we switch it around so Gaby plays my part... and I play the part of the... No, I guess not. Well, It looks like we have two girls for one part. - I'm glad you caught up. - What are we going to do? Pay Gaby off. Just tell her it was an honest mistake. She's not doing this show for money. She's doing it because she's in love with me. - Did she tell you that? - She didn't have to. Besides, I know a little bit about women. And you can't mistake a French girl in love. Why, she's always doing things for you, giving you little surprises. - Why... - Do I interrupt? No, as a matter of fact, we were just talking about you. Good. I hope you will like this. - You shouldn't have, dear. - But I wanted to. But I don't smoke a pipe. It is your favorite brand. The kind that is hard to get. Thanks, but really, you shouldn't have. I have some homework to do. Good night. Now, don't... It's not going to be easy. Thank heavens I am French. - Hi. - Hi. I was getting worried. I got lost. I can never tell port from starboard. Port is left and starboard's right. - Yeah, but I can never remember it. - It's easy. You only have to remember, on the left side, the running lights are red. On the right side they're green. Port wine is red, so that means port is... - What's the matter? - I forgot which side is port! Good evening, Mademoiselle. Your Miss Duval is very attractive. Yes. Yes, she is. - She's not mine, exactly. - I didn't mean it that way. I had no right to even mention it. Gaby's a... - She's a... - Please. Let's not talk about her, huh? Now I'm embarrassed. All right. l... It's just that when I saw you bring her to dinner, I... wondered about her. Gaby is... You don't have to explain her to me, you know. I'd like to. All right. It's very simple. You see, Gaby's a girl that I just... Well, she's a friend of a friend of mine. Bill? "Beel"? Oh, Bill! That's it. - Yeah, they're great friends. - I'm glad. - I mean, Bill's so very nice. - Oh, yes. He's one of the great old-timers. Yes. I'm so lucky to be doing the show with you both. I wish you were. I mean, I wish you were doing it sooner. You have no idea how much this show means to me. But, now, you mustn't let it. I mean, a show is a show. There's always another one along. But this is the kind of a show you dream about doing. Yeah, but that's wrong. - Why? - Why? I'll tell you why. Patsy, do you... Do you like salmon fishing? I don't know. I've never tried. Neither have I. What I'm getting at is that... there are other things in life besides this show. All kinds of things. I like trout fishing. That's what I mean. So do I. I think my favorite sport is swimming. Mine, too. In a cold ocean. No, warm pool. We used to go on beach picnics all the time when we lived home. - Do you like picnics? - I could learn to. Can you... cook? Oui. I studied in Paris. I burn toast. But I can make crepes suzettes. Who wants toast? It's amazing how much we have in common. Neither of us likes burned toast. - I bet you love music. - I love jazz. Do you really? I've got a wonderful collection of records at home. We'll sit in front of the fireplace and listen to them. I've got hundreds of them. It'll take us years. I don't mind. This is a funny conversation for us to be having. Yeah. It's like it's happening to somebody else. - I'm kind of scared. - So am I. We're a perfect match. Two cowards. No, Ted, we'd better not. This is only our first night out. Yeah, I know. Let's take a walk. - lf I can control myself. - Please do. All right. - I can't. - You can't? No. I feel a sudden urge to sing The kind of ditty that invokes the spring So control your desire to curse While I crucify the verse This verse I've started seems to me The tin-pan-tithesis of melody So to spare you all the pain I'll skip the darn thing And sing the refrain Take it away The night is young The skies are clear And if you want to go walking, dear It's delightful It's delicious It's de-lovely I understand the reason why You're sentimental 'Cause so am I It's delightful It's delicious It's de-lovely You can tell at a glance What a swell night This is for romance You can hear dear Mother Nature Murmuring low "Let yourself go" So please be sweet, my chickadee And when I kiss you, just say to me It's delightful It's delicious It's delectable It's delirious It's dilemma It's delimit It's deluxe, it's de-lovely. - Patsy? - Yes, Ted? You won't go away, will you? No, Ted, I won't go away. - Ted? - Yes, Patsy? - Won't Bill be getting worried? - Bill who? Let yourself go So please be sweet My chickadee And when I kiss you just say to me It's delightful It's delicious It's delectable. It's delirious It's dilemma It's delimit It's deluxe It's de-lovely. Honey? Back up. Good night, Ted. Or rather, good morning. Good morning, Patsy. You should... not. You're right. I'll take it back. Are we rehearsing later? Let's rehearse now. I mean the show, silly. Oh, the show. The show. - Patsy? - Yes? You are the most wonderful girl I've ever met. Remember that, even if you never speak to me again. - Are you coming or going? - I wish I knew. What, have you been up all night? Yeah, I couldn't sleep. I've got us in an awful mess. I should've listened to you in the first place. Patsy's perfect for the part. - She's just great! - So is Gaby. Yeah, but this play is just not about a French girl. I should never have signed her. - What did you say? - I said I should never have signed Gaby. You have just solved our whole problem. - I did? - Sure! Tell Gaby what you just told me. Tell her you signed another girl for the part. - You're right. I'll send her a cable. - Cable? She's on the boat. - Make a date to meet her. - Yeah. - I'll do it this evening. - Oh, no. Now. In the cold, gray light of the morning. - I'll go to her cabin, then. - No, no. Cabin's too cozy. - Up on deck, then. I'll go, I'll take her to... - An office. Take an office. - Whose office? - Anybody's office. Just get a good cold, bare room. The setting's half the battle, you know. Sort of a reverse on the moonlight-and-soft-music routine. You get them in a cold room, you know, it throws them off balance a little. They can't dim the lights on you... and slip you that invitation to sit next to them on a soft sofa. You've got it down to a science. I've been practicing a little longer than you. Another important point to remember is that... you got to give her a good breakfast before you start explaining. It will mellow her. - Feed her. - Don't beat around the bush, either. This thing's got to be settled today, or it's going to be too late. Well, there you are. It's as simple as that. Look, I'll never make it. You wrote the book. Why don't you do it? It'd be a cinch for a master like yourself. No. You signed her. It'd be better coming from you. Yeah, but she likes you. You could soften the blow better than I could. Sorry. This is something you are just going to have to settle yourself. Remember everything I told you, now. I can't do it, Bill, because... I've come to pick up Miss Duval for breakfast. Breakfast? We are asleep. - Will you tell her I'll pick her up for lunch? - Lunch? I do not think we will be awake, Monsieur. Tea? We are skeptical, Monsieur. - How do you all feel about dinner? - Dinner! I am sure we will love to have dinner with you, Monsieur. - Fine. Our name is... - Monsieur Billy Benson. We have been expecting you. Au revoir, Monsieur. - You're Steve Blair, aren't you? - Yeah. I seldom forget a face. Now, let me see. - Pimlico. You were... - No. I don't think you've ever seen mine before. My name's Todd. - Nice to know you, Todd. - Thank you. - Have a drink. - Not while on duty. Well, I'm not on... United States Treasury Department. Glad to see I rate an escort home. We've had quite a time catching up with you. - I've been traveling a lot. - Yes, I know. I've handled a lot of income tax cases in my time, but yours is driving me crazy. - Mind if I ask you a question? - Be my guest. - We know you are a gambler. - Mathematical consultant. Yeah. We followed your career as a mathematical consultant... all the way from Saratoga to Santa Anita. - Santa Anita. - You had five straight bad years. That's not my fault. Arrest the horses. On the sixth year, you reported no income. That's right. The government can prove that you won over a $100,000 that year. Sure, but that wasn't mine. I had to take care of the guys that took care of me during the five bad years. You had the money. Why didn't you pay your taxes? - What do you think I am, a crook? - Now, look... What have we got, a government full of welchers? It's not ethical to let your friends down. They let me have the money, so I paid them back. And I would have paid you, too, but I had nothing left. So I figured, why declare it and put you to a lot of trouble? What do you suppose would happen if everybody felt the way you do? The country would be loaded with racetracks. I'm sorry. Mr. Blair, it's my duty to... Look, Todd, I ain't gonna run out on you. Do me a favor, will you? Just lay off until after the boat lands. Please! - Hi, Dad. - Hello, honey. This is Mr. Todd. This is Patsy, my daughter. - Hello, Mr. Todd. - How do you do, Miss Blair? Patsy's going in a Broadway show. Are you in the theater, Mr. Todd? No, I'm with a printing outfit. I'm afraid I don't know much about business. There's a lot of money in this business. - Very nice meeting you, Miss Blair. - Thank you, Mr. Todd. - And I will be seeing you before we dock. - I'll be around. - Isn't there something you want to tell me? - What? - I heard about you winning the ship's pool. - Oh, that! Yes. Today is my lucky day. How about taking a walk around the deck with your old man? I'd love to, honey, but I'm meeting Ted in a minute. - Why don't you come with us? - No, you run along. - All right. - Ted's... What? Ted's a nice boy. He likes you, too. - I'll see you at dinner. Bye. - Bye. Duck was delicious. - You haven't eaten a bite there. - I'm not hungry. - You've got to eat. - Why? Because everybody eats. I enjoy it that you worry about me. You have a good appetite. It will be fun to cook for you in New York. I don't eat much in New York. I can also sew for you, and wash, and clean. I'm very handy around the house. You will see when we get to New York. That's what I want to talk to you about. There's something I have to tell you. You have something to tell me? Tell me! - No, not here. - We can talk in my cabin. No, I think I have a better idea. - In your cabin? Good. - No. - Ready? - Ready. - Here we are. - Gymnasium? Everything is ready, Mr. Benson. - The room is yours. - Thank you, Henry. It's kind of dreary. - It isn't at all. - It isn't? No. - Thanks. - It's for you. You can't go around giving me gifts like this. - You think I stole it? - Well, no, of course not, but... - Then keep it. - But... Thanks. I brought you here to talk to you about the show, Gaby. - Say "Gaby" again. - Gaby. I know how much this all means to you and everything, but... You say it so cute. - When Ted told me that he'd signed you... - It tickles me when you say it. When Ted told me that he'd signed you for the show, Gaby, why, I thought... You said you wouldn't do it without me. - He told me. - He shouldn't have! What Ted... What Ted didn't tell you is that... What are you thinking? How much I love you. Hey. You shouldn't go around saying things like that. You think I go around saying things like that? That's not what I meant. I... - You don't even know me. - That's not my fault. What I know, I love. You are the most honest girl I ever met. We are making progress. You have just insulted me. - You amaze me. - You amaze me. Why did you never marry? I don't know, I guess... I just never wanted to before. You're right. It's a beautiful room. It's a beautiful night. Isn't it amazing how the world changes at night? In France we say, "Night is the lovers' blanket." All through the night I delight In your love All through the night You're so close to me All through the night From a height Far above You and your love Bring me ecstasy When dawn comes to waken me You're never there at all I know you've forsaken me Till the shadows fall But then Once again I can dream I've the right To be close to you All through the night - That's beautiful. - I meant it. - Sing it in French for me. - In French? It's the language of love. - I don't know if I can. - I will help you. Go ahead. Gaby. Did you really know all the time? Of course. I am French. I am so happy I am going to America with you. Now we can be together. Always. - They are going to love you in America. - I hope so, for your sake. You'll be a sensation. All you have to do is stand in Times Square at high noon... and you'll stop traffic. I will? I can see everything so clearly. It will be very exciting. What will, chrie? When I get up on that stage. Stage! Boy, has Ted got a problem. Pardon. - Good morning. - Good morning. - How do you feel? - Wonderful. - You do? - Shouldn't I? Well, sure, only... Didn't Bill upset you last night? Terribly. I loved every minute of it. - He must be a real master. - He's wonderful. Now, what happened last night was Bill's idea, you know. I should hope so. Bill didn't really want to buy you off, it's just... Well, like he said... Patsy was signed for the show first... and it shouldn't have been a French girl, anyhow. Billy came last night to buy me off? Didn't he tell you? Pardon me. Good morning. You look beautiful this morning. As beautiful as I looked last night? I can't decide. I think I'll just have to see you again tonight. You must have enjoyed yourself last night. I did. Look, why don't we go on an Easter egg hunt? - We can all scatter, and... - No more games, thank you. - I have had enough. - What do you mean? The master made a big mistake. Nothing could get me out of this show now. I have an ironclad contract, remember? It's the handy kind. I'm sorry, Bill. I thought you settled the whole thing last night. I told her about Patsy. - Then that's why she... - Me and my fat mouth. I was going to explain everything this morning. - Got yourself a case of moonburn, huh? - Bad. Well, you'll work it out. I don't know. She's a pretty strong-headed girl. Yeah. Well, I'd better go. I've got a date to propose to Patsy. - Good luck to you. - Thanks. I'm sorry about Gaby. If you want to have me lashed to the mast or anything, I'll... We'll be landing tomorrow morning. I'll have to pick you up early. I'll be ready. - Dad? - Hi, honey. - Hi. Did you and Mr. Todd have a nice walk? - Yeah, fine. - Good. - We'll... - We'll be pulling in, in the morning. - I know. Isn't it exciting? What's the first thing you're going to do when we land? No plans, huh? Not exactly. Tomorrow night, I am going to put on my prettiest dress... and you and Ted can take me out on the town. Unless you're ashamed of me? - Is anything wrong? - No! What's up, Doc? Come on. As a matter of fact, I... To tell you the truth... Look... I got some unfinished business. I gotta go away for a while. - Oh, no! - Come on, now. You told me everything was all right, you had it all worked out! But you've got to figure the odds. It's the only right way to work it out. - Oh, Dad! - Oh, dear. We can't go on living like criminals, honey. I made a mistake. I can't let you pay for it. - But we were getting along just fine! - Sure, except we couldn't go home. Now, you are starring in a Broadway show. Do you think I would have taken it if I'd known you had to go to prison? That wasn't forever. It's 10-to-1 that in a year I'd be running that joint. I'm going to get the best lawyers there are. As many as we need. We can afford it now that I've got the show. Don't worry about me. I want you to start living your own life. Don't you worry about me. I'm going to be fine. As long as you can use a good housekeeper... - I'll be waiting. - But that's not what I want. - I want you and Ted... - No, no. I'm not going to let this be Ted's problem, too. - I'm going to take a walk. - Sure. - Good morning, darling. - Good morning, Ted. I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I kept making plans about us. You know the first place we are going when we arrive in New York? No. I'll give you a hint: The place where my mother proposed to my father. I'm afraid I'm going to be too busy to go anywhere with you. - Sure, you must have a million things to do. - You don't understand. I'm going to be too busy from now on. What do you mean? Too busy for me? That's right. - What did I do? I thought after last night... - Last... Last night was for laughs. It's funny, I don't feel like laughing. Sorry. I had us all married. We had three kids, and... Patsy... This is a business relationship. It says so in my contract. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to break any clauses. Oh, I'm sorry. - Mister, can I have my ball? - Here. I can't come out. I'm a prisoner. - Here. - Thank you. - Hey! - Come on, give it to me. Come on, give... Here. Thank you. Come on, now! Your life isn't over just because of one unhappy love affair. Here. I suppose that what you want is sympathy Well, you won't get sympathy from me 'Cause I'm willing to bet Tomorrow you'll forget Today's catastrophe You will learn by sipping from the wisdom cup That when you're down there's no place else to go but up! Up! Up! You can bounce right back You can bounce right back Like the happy clown who's fallen down Can bounce right back When you try to smile and think you've lost the knack I'm happy to announce You can bounce right back! You can bounce right back! So my friend, you went and stubbed your little toe And you'd like to tell your tale of woe In a minute from now I'm sure you'll wonder how And where that pain did go Make believe you weren't really hurt at all Like Humpty Dumpty said When he began that fall You can bounce right back! You can bounce right back! Just refuse to cry and, by and by You'll bounce right back Like the fellow said when he sat on a tack I'm happy to announce You can bounce right back! It's the smile you smile that counts Happy thoughts in large amounts Any problem you can trounce You can bounce right back! You can bounce right back! You can bounce right back! You can bounce right back! That's very nice. It's clever. Say, if the ladies will excuse you, I'd like to talk to you for a minute, huh? Sure. Excuse me, kids. - I'll see you later. Goodbye. - Bye. - Bye! - Bye! Hey, mister! What about me? Shut out again, huh? Yeah, thank you. Bye-bye. Don't worry, now. Of course I won't tell Patsy. She wouldn't care. - Patsy and I had a big fight. - About what? She didn't tell me. Well, assert yourself, son! Show her who's boss. I did. She is. You got to move right in, boy. Take charge. I guess I just don't have your knack with women. How's Gaby? She's not talking to me. Well, I can't lose Patsy now. I've waited all my life for her. I know it's not very long, but it's all I've got. So what are we going to do? Well, at least I got the leading-lady problem solved. I've got it figured out now how both girls can do the show. - You have? - Sure. - How? - Here's how it works. ...and there's the finale! - That's great! We can wrap the whole thing up in a breeze. That's wonderful. The girls will love it. Now, if I can just figure some way to get Gaby out of her cabin... - so I can tell her. - Yeah. What the... How about that? I could lower you down past the porthole. I guess not. Don't tell me a couple of clever operators like us... can't figure some way to get a gal out of her cabin. - Jeez, that should be possible. - Yeah, well, French girls aren't easy. - Especially, Gaby. - You know, she's very stubborn. But I think I know how to handle it. - How? - Magic. - What? - Magic. Watch this. - You've been getting too much sun. - Voila. - Good morning. - Good morning. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to lie down. That trick always tires me out. - I brought you a present. - Thanks. I'm glad you came. I've been trying to get to talk to you. - I had nothing to say. - Ted told me what he said. Must have sounded awful, huh? Only if it was true. I meant every word I said last night. Then you didn't sign another girl for the show? - Well, I did, but... - Open your present. You have your contract back. You're not quitting the show? - You can't! Not now. - You are confused. Last night you wanted it very much. So much that you even made love to me. That's not why I made love to you last night. I beg your pardon. That's not why I made love to you last night. Gee, Gaby, you don't quit a show just because you don't like someone. - You have to do the show. - I do not have to do anything. When I want to do something, I will do everything. But if I am forced to do something, I will do nothing. Gaby. Monsieur. Don't tell me: She sent you to push me overboard, huh? - I have come to help you. - Help me what? I know you are very unhappy, but so is Mademoiselle. I have never seen her like this. She loves you very much. Yeah, sure. She's mad about me, I can tell. You have hurt her. I've tried to explain to her. She won't listen. - She's running out on the show now. - Do you know the reason why, Monsieur? Sure! She loves me so much she just can't stand being near me, huh? Non, Monsieur. I will tell you the reason why. You see... - Come on, battle stations. - What? Come on, don't just sit there. We're going into action, man. I can't, Patsy might phone. You really love Patsy, don't you? Either that, or I've invented a new disease. How do you feel about Steve? - Patsy's more my type. - No. What I mean is, what would you do if your father-in-law went to prison? I'd bake a cake and put a file in it. But that's silly. I don't have a... What? Captain, could I speak to you for a minute? It is my pleasure, Mr. Benson. What can I do for you? I'm having a little trouble with a French girl, and l... You've come to the right man. I have a plan, but I'm going to need your help. You have only to speak. Tonight at the ship's party... - That's the plan. I don't think it can miss. - Extraordinary. - I shall be looking forward to tonight. - So will I. - Are they here yet? - No, not yet. - Hey, what if it doesn't work? - Then you can lash me to the mast. - I'm worried. - Relax, will you? It'll work. Our first little pigeon is coming. I would suggest that you disappear. - Good luck. - Good luck. - Good evening, Mademoiselle. - Good evening, Captain. Thank you for accepting my invitation. I'm afraid I won't be able to stay very long. I have a terrible headache. I'm sure the party will make you feel better. We have a table for two over there. I'll join you in a moment. All right. - Good evening, Mademoiselle. - Good evening. It was so nice of you to accept my invitation. I'm afraid I won't be able to stay very long. I have a terrible headache. There is an epidemic. You will find a table for two over there. I'll join you in a moment. It takes a Frenchman... Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our gala. We are fortunate in starting the show tonight... with that great American star, Mr. Bill Benson. I'll read your fortune in the tea leaves I'll read the writing on the wall But my very best work The work I do best I do with a turban and a crystal ball A second-hand turban and a broken-down crystal ball Get out of here, get out! I was the very first to prophesy The month of June would come before July I predicted that the leaves would fall each fall With a second-hand turban and a crystal ball I think the year was 1929 When I insisted all the stocks were fine Mr. Lindbergh wouldn't get to France at all With a second-hand turban and a crystal ball The future! The future! It all looms very large The future! The future! It's yours for a nominal charge I claim we'll all be dead by '85 Which means it's ten-to-one we'll stay alive If I say "Good boating" Just expect a squall A casual look at my list'll Prove that I'm hotter than a pistol With my second-hand turban and my crystal ball And now, ladies and gentlemen... for a practical demonstration of my mystic and occult powers... I shall need the assistance of some young man from the audience. Preferably a young man whom I have never met before. - How do you do? - How do you do? - Have we ever met before? - No, never. Not even casually? - Never. - Never. Our standing offer still holds good, ladies and gentlemen... if anyone can prove that I've ever... If anyone can prove... that I've ever met this young man before... I shall give them one old Davy Crockett hat. - Got one for you, too, if you're good. - Never. To continue now, ladies and gentlemen, out of the debris, out of the shambles... I shall put this young man into a trance... to test his receptive powers. - Are you sure we've never met before? - Never. As the High Lama of Birdland was wont to say... I shall now awaken the young man from his trance, and when he awakens... he shall become the High Rajah, the all-knowing Rajah. - What are you? - I've been a Rajah all my life. I shall pass among you now, ladies and gentlemen... and the high and knowing Rajah... the all-knowing Rajah, shall answer any and all questions. Take the ball, please. No, I did that, I did that. There you are, Rajah. Come on, you look like a doll. I can't see anything. That's the idea. We're business partners. - Wait a minute, I'm getting a message. - Okay, come along with me. Now, for the demonstration. I have an object here I'm holding high I'd like you to identify Now, am I getting through to you, my friend, at all? Loud and clear, professor. Tell me now, tell me, Rajah, what am I holding in my hand? - You're holding something. - Take your time. - There's something in your hand. - Yes, I have, in my hand. Take my time, huh? Time magazine! - No, no, Rajah, no, no! - Life magazine! - No, no, no... - Look magazine. Time Marches On. Watch yourself, Raj, watch it! Watch myself, watch myself... I have it! A wristwatch! The Rajah is rolling tonight. Come along. I'm going to stop at the table of this charming gentleman... and pick up an object and ask you to tell me... what am I holding in my hand? What am I holding? - You're holding up the show. - No, you're fighting me, Rajah. What am I holding in my hand? Tell me quick. - Boxing gloves. - No, no. - Hairpins. - No, no. - Buttons. - No, no. You're holding... It's an elephant! What color? This bum must've caught the act in Bridgeport. Now I'm gonna stop at the table of this delightful young lady... and hold my hand over her head and ask you to tell me... Now, you'll have to plumb the depths of your perceptive powers. - I ask you to tell me... - That's a lady plumber! No, no. Is she a blonde or a brunette, Raj? - Blonde or brunette? - Yeah. That young lady is a brunette. Oh, Rajah, you've just desolated me. This young lady is a blonde. Wait a week. The future! The future! It all looms very large The future! The future! It's yours for a nominal charge Let's go get 'em. Please be sweet, my chickadee And when I kiss you just say to me It's delightful It's delicious With my second-hand turban and a crystal ball I'm sorry, but... that's the only way we could get you two to sit still long enough for us. We thought we could laugh you into letting us explain. Ted, my mind's made up. I just can't see you anymore. Ted's going to make a great son-in-law. I just wanted you to know that we're not doing the show we started out to do. We're having a whole new book written. This story's about this Broadway character... who signs a leading lady for his show... and then he discovers that his partner's signed a French girl. And he doesn't like this French girl... because he thinks she's interfering with his show. And he starts out by trying to get her out of the show. Instead, he falls in love for the first time in his life. The new show's about this talented young television star... who goes to France and signs a wonderful French girl for his show. Then he learns his partner signed another girl in England. He's kind of mad about it, until he meets her... and she's pretty incredible. She's talented, and she's beautiful... - and, anyway, he's nuts about her. - Ted. Did you really think I'd leave you because Steve is in trouble? Bill told me what the new show's about. Great idea. It's the story of this dashing gambler... who has a daughter that he wants to become a Broadway star. Now, this gambler is a very clever fellow, and when he hears... Steve! - Would you join us in a toast? - Love it. To the new show, huh? You're the Top. I sure wish I could be there opening night. - Can't you? - I'm afraid not. My partner and I are going to South America on a big uranium deal. Fine! When do you think you'll be able to see the show? You better have a smash. I'll be gone for some time. - Well, good luck, Steve. - Good luck. - Good luck to you. - Good luck. Do you hear that playin'? Yes, I hear that playin' Do you know who's playin'? No, who is that playin'? Why, it's Gabriel, Gabriel playin' Gabriel, Gabriel sayin' "Will you be ready to go when I blow my horn?" Yeah! Oh, blow, Gabriel, blow Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow I've been a sinner I've been a scamp But now I'm ready to trim my lamp So blow, Gabriel, blow I was low, Gabriel, low Mighty low, Gabriel, low But now since I have seen the light I'm good by day and good by night So blow, Gabriel, blow. Blow, Gabe, blow Blow, Gabe, blow Blow, Gabe, blow Gabriel, blow your horn Blow, Gabe, blow Blow, Gabe, blow Blow, Gabe, blow Gabriel, blow your horn Yes, when I got to Satan's door I heard you blowin' on your horn once more So I said, "Satan! Man, I'm cuttin' on out of here!" Blow, Gabe, blow Gabriel, blow Blow, Gabe, blow Gabriel, blow Blow, Gabe, blow Gabriel, blow your horn Blow, Gabe, blow Go, Gabriel Blow, Gabe, blow Blow, Gabriel Blow, Gabe, blow Blow, Gabriel I've purged my soul and my heart, too So climb up the mountaintop and start to Blow, Gabe, blow Blow, Gabriel Blow, Gabe, blow Blow, Gabriel Blow, Gabe, blow Blow, Gabriel Gabriel, blow your horn Blow, Gabe, blow Oh, Gabriel, blow Blow, Gabe, blow Oh, Gabriel, blow Blow, Gabriel, blow Oh, Gabriel Gabriel, blow your horn I want to join your happy band And play all the day in the promised land So blow, Gabriel, blow Gabriel, blow Oh, Gabriel Gabriel, blow your horn Blow Blow Blow Oh, Gabriel Gabriel, blow your horn It's Gabriel, Gabriel sayin' Gabriel, Gabriel sayin' Gabriel, Gabriel playin' Gabriel, Gabriel playin' Blow, Gabriel Blow