Some men came to the homeless shelter and offered me a tub of Crisco if I would wear this costume. They injected a paralytic agent into my spinal cord and propped me up in this chair and had kids fart on my knees. Kill me. I'm begging you. Please. KILL ME.

My 3-year-old nephew goes to daycare in French, which he understands but doesn't speak that well (his parents lived in the US until he was 2 before moving back to Québec.) When Père Noël visited the daycare, my nephew asked if he spoke English. He answered that Santa speaks all languages. I guess he was right.

I added Vodka to Non alcoholic beer tonight, essentially turning water into wine, like some kind of American Jesus. I was feeling pretty good about myself, thinking I was a pretty great guy. Then I open Fark so I can have a laugh about how stupid the plebs are and next thing you know, I'm shuffling off to bed thinking that I just don't do enough.