August 01, 2013

Big families are trendy. And a luxury.

What?

I was scanning my twitter feed last week and was drawn to this Salon article about larger families, specifically celebrity and "rich" families. Guess it's trendy in NYC to have 4 plus kids, some kind of status symbol. I guess it's trendy, annoying and stressful to other parents to post about your children. I guess we've turned having kids into some sort of freakish fertility competition. I guess only rich people get to have lots of kids. What? Wrong.

I have four kids. I stay at home. We've been blessed that we could afford it. Afford me staying home AT ALL. Not the 4 kids part. That may not always be the situation, but for now yes. I have friends with 4, 5, and 6, kids. Most of these Moms have stayed home. They are NOT rich. Some have more financial means than others, but some live well below the poverty level. Sure it's stressful at times, but I doubt if any of them think having children is trendy or a luxury.

Once you decide to commodify having children, the attitude and language begin to change. You start to see children as part of your "personal production," Something you did or achieved. Our talk turns to the ROI of children, each one bearing its own portfolio of long-term safe strategies and quick rich schemes. Children find themselves in an either or situation: unnaturally tied to a parents self worth, obligated to achieve or produce certain results or else viewed as a hobby and once the intial glamour is worn left to forage through life with little support. The article addresses the lack of support for parents in the US, especially for mothers. We get little to no paid leave, child care is expensive, care-givers sorely unpaid so the stress of whom you are actually leaving your child with hovers over mothers at work likely reducing their actual work productivity.

We were close to moving to Austria last month and in our research regarding salary offerings and what we could afford, we found that in countries such as Germany and Austria (and in Scandivnaian countries) you actually receive some of your tax dollars back each month or two in payment to offset the costs of children. And in Finland EVERY mother gets one of these. I'm not sure these would fly in America, we're not very interested in ensuring women feel safe and protected during pregnancy and childbirth unless that support comes via a corporation trying to brand the new mother with its products.

Yes, children are expensive, but most of the time it's because we then have less to spend on ourselves. We don't get top have manicures and pricey handbags and designer clothes. Oh and trips, not so many vacations. Now some people can have kids and those things, but I think it's dishonest and damaging to assume you need lots of money to have kids. Women are already putting off children and marriage and then finding themselves stuck when those milestones seem impossible to achieve at middle age.

Part of me, the everybody have kids part, screams "Yay, it's about time larger families became trendy again!" But I'm also pragmatic enough to realize having a large family is not for everyone, it's hard work and it does come with a cost, costs some people aren't prepared to handle. I find though that the childhood moments I'm most nostalgic about center around times when there wasn't much money. The bike rides we took as a family, the Sunday drives, going to the park, eating a garden tomato stuffed with tuna salad, fishing, gathering with my extended family, listening to them laugh and shout over card games. This year we are taking a Staycation. I know my kids are going to be thrilled with the cheap treats in store, because they really just want our time and attention....and maybe a little candy.