Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome back once again to The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.

“Last time not a whole lot happened to said Lone Wolf on the Normandy, but we did get to see Jorge the Spartan land a Covenant Corvette all by himself as well as being introduced to easily the stupidest PMC outfit in the history of human spaceflight in the form of Blaze Shepard and his idiot friends Ravager and Phantom.

Yes, really.”

Show and Tell Counter: 43

Amorous Counter: 114

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 24

Chapter Ten is called ‘Xawin’, and surprisingly enough opens with a regurgitated MAKO drop and exploration of said planet. This includes several paragraphs dedicated to finding the Chatti Outpost Insignia on the wreckage of a turian frigate, and yes the narrative does indeed use that exact phrasing complete with capitalization.

Hello hello all you Patrons, and welcome back to The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.

“Last time after wandering around doing basically nothing for most of the chapter, Spartan took off his armor for an out-of-nowhere medical exam which revealed that- surprise, surprise!- he looks like a male model. After that everybody went back to the Citadel station and met up with that Jun guy, and yet another Spartan named Jorge got shit out of Slipspace ‘somewhere in the Terminus’. And that, really, was about it.”

Last time on The Lone Wolf of the Normandy a whole lotta stupid went down, as in between regurgitated canonical get-to-know-you conversations with the Normandy squad it was revealed that Jane Shepard has an enormous Gary Stu of a brother named “Blaze” who is off fighting batarians somewhere; that The Illusive Man is actually an Admiral in the UNSC Navy who got plotholed into the Mass Effect universe many years before Six did; that he’s got Miranda busy trying to recruit the Spartans into Cerberus for no real reason that I can tell; and that Jun is reacting to these attempts with displays of gratuitous bloodshed sufficient to make Logan-B312 proud. Oh yeah, and the ‘relationship’ between Logan and Shepard continues to chug along its well-oiled rails with the fell inevitability of a WWI troop-train destined for the trenches of Verdun.

Hello hello all you Patrons, and welcome back to the slowly expanding pile of horrors that is The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.

“Last time everyone had a big long chat with that asari scientist Liara that they picked up on Therum, during which time Spartan beat up some more Alliance soldiers, developed some sort of weird hate-on for the pilot, insulted everyone’s intelligence, threw out stupid conspiracy theories dressed up as some sort of tactical insight, and generally was an insubordinate prick to Shepard. Shepard for her part just took a shower, posed in her underwear for no real reason for the author, and was an insubordinate prick to the Council she is supposed to work for. We left just as she was going up to the cockpit to probably be an insubordinate prick to Joker or for Joker to be an insubordinate prick to her.

Oh, and Jun is still chilling on the Citadel and not being a massive dickwad to every single person he meets.”

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the heaping helping of horrible that is The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.

Last time… umm, well, Therum happened, pretty much. Shepard’s ground team (plus Six) drove around and shot at a bunch of geth before rescuing Liara and dusting off. Aside from Six being a sexist prick to basically everyone and stealing their kills with his stupid lightning-firing omniblades, basically everything occurred as canon. We know this because we got a line-by-line narration of every driving segment and geth turret. Oh, and Six knows about the Reapers now because Dot ‘hacked a Prothean mainframe’ that was just conveniently sitting around undiscovered on Therum for the taking.

“Oh yeah, and also Jun the other Spartan showed up in Shepard’s universe and managed to acclimate without seriously injuring anyone who was just trying to do their job. Last we saw he’d been given a cover identity and was sitting around on the Citadel waiting for something to happen.”

Amorous Counter: 67

Show andTell Counter: 25

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 12

Chapter Seven is called “The SSV Normandy Part 2”, which still strikes me as a bit odd given that “The SSV Normandy Part 1” was three chapters back but whatever. Strap yourselves in, because it’s a long one this time.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to The Lone Wolf of the Normandy, Spartan Logan-B312’s personal crusade to piss off every single person in the Mass Effect universe one-at-a-time.

“Last time… well, really not a whole lot even happened as Spartan dicked around on the Normandy en route to Therum. He pissed off Shepard, plotted to start a war between the UNSC and the Council and possibly also the Systems Alliance, gloated about how goddamn fucking overpowered his stupid Forerunner guns are, and settled in for the first part of a MAKO drop to their target alongside Garrus, Shepard, and Tali.”

Hello hello all you patrons, happy Independence Day for those of you who can be arsed to care, and welcome back to The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy. Last time, we had a wonderful cycle of people repeatedly asking Noble Stu what the fuck he is and getting unhelpful non-answers, a pervy scene where he saved Tali from her gunshot wound using techniques that really should have killed her, and the long-awaited reconciliation with the Systems Alliance where they agreed not to lock him away forever for his violent and just plain dickish actions so far and he agreed to perform such actions with slightly lower frequency onboard the Normandy. Oh, and there was plot regurgitation. Lots and lots of plot regurgitation.