LUPEC: ALL I WANT FOR XMAS IS TO STOP HURTING

Experience has taught us that there is no cure for a lack of self control. When you have a Fernet-drinking contest with yourself or polish off a bowl of something labeled “Blackout Punch,” that way danger lies.

Thus, we were skeptical of the publicist’s pitch that promised us a “special hangover remedy carefully marketed it in an easy-to-use, safe patch.” What was the secret, snake oil and unicorn tears? Or some blend chemicals that would cause cancer sometime down the road? And really, do these people understand how much we drink?

Cursory investigation revealed this cure, Bytox, to be nothing more than a time-release patch designed to replenish the vitamins and nutrients the body loses when consuming mass quantities of alcohol. That we had to try, if for no other reason than to pass the good word of this magic patch on to you should it work. Our civic duty.

We enlisted a dozen drinkers on two separate occasions to test this wonder. In the name of research they mixing blackout punch with champagne with beer with fernet and with wine. Very few made it through the night without some grey, hazy patches.

And the patch totally worked.

Several drinkers polled still felt rough the next day, probably because like most drunk people, they failed to follow the instructions. But if the physical symptoms of the hangover weren’t totally absent, in each case they were reduced. The metaphysical symptoms—the post drunk shame spiral that prompts a barrage of texts apologizing for blacking out and not paying the tab only to realise that you actually picked up the tab for the entire bar—well, that’s another story.

In short, Bytox is a not-scary, vitamin-based hangover cure that works. But if you misplace your dignity and self respect while imbibing, well there’s no magic patch for that. Sip on one of these before setting out to find them.

HANGOVER ERASER NO. 1by Andy McNees of Toro
Build the following over ice in a pint glass:
Shot of Fernet, two dashes of every kind of bitters and top with Soda water.Drink as quickly as you can through two straws like a Mind Eraser.