Today is a day I’ve been dreading. It is Anabelle’s 6th month birthday. The day that marks half a year has gone by without her. We seem to be dealing with everything at the same time at the moment; her 6 month day, Christmas and the end of 2010, start of another. I officially hate December.

Sometimes it feels like no time has passed at all, and that we only lost her yesterday. Sometimes it feels like it felt a long time ago, and this has been the longest 6 months of my entire life. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel real, and that there was never a baby in our lives at all, and this is some huge nightmare that I will wake up from. Does that even make any sense?

Sometimes I cannot believe we are living this.I guess this is what I mean when I say sometimes it feels so raw and others times so numb. This is what I mean when I say time moves differently now – the passage of time feels so mixed up.

My entire life feels mixed up.

Yesterday Mum and me had planned to go over to Cribbs Mall to spend the surprise money Jon had given me to (in his words) ‘buy myself something pretty with’ – but the snow cancelled the trip. So we have been today instead, and Anabelle must’ve known her Mummy would be sad today; she sent me a sign to cheer me up, to tell me she is always there and all around in everything I do.

Because my something pretty just so happens to be a dress called “Belle” – it is perfect and definitely from her; I knew it as soon as I saw it. Our little lady knew what she wanted me to spend her Daddy’s money on that’s for sure, because it was exactly the amount he had given me!

So on her 6th month birthday, I have a dress with the same name as her. See I knew we would make a good team spending his money one day. It’s just not the way I wanted it to be.

It is going to be a pink Christmas in the Morgan household. Tonight, as another way of marking her special day, we put up Anabelle’s 3ft pink tree. Even Fiz joined in with the decorating. Showing lots of interest in the pink baubles!

Neither of us could face putting up the big tree this year, and so we bought a little pink girly one, for Anabelle to match the one in her garden. It is another way of including her – making her the Christmas focus in our home and somehow getting us all through it.

There are quite a few angels and special things on Belle’s tree; her angel engraved bauble that we bought for her, the same angel that sits at the top of the tree in her garden, angel ornaments or baubles that people have seen and kindly given to us after thinking of her.

But one thing is certain; a real angel belongs to us for Christmas this year, Christmas time and always. Despite all the angels on our tree, the angel that matters most of all is looking over us in heaven.

Happy half birthday our angel. Mummy and Daddy love you to the moon and back, always.