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I've been with my husband for 6 years, living together for 5 years, and married for 1 year. We're in our mid-20s and both healthy. Our relationship is perfect and harmonious besides this and we love each other deeply. He is cooperative when it comes to working out our differences and generally an attentive and understanding partner. His sex drive matched mine the first two years, and then it dropped steadily over time to the point that I was the only one initiating.

When I initiate it does two things: 1) makes him feel pressured to have sex and turns him off to it and 2) makes me "too easy", like he never had to work for it, which is also a turn off. We talked about it and agreed to only let him initiate, and that way every time we have sex, it'll be because he really wants to and not just because he feels pressured to by me.

Now that I don't initiate, we have sex a lot less, he doesn't initiate more often. It's about once every 6-8 days, and that's how often he gets horny for sex. He's comfortable with that frequency, whereas I'd rather have it everyday, if not more. This leaves me extremely physically frustrated, and resentful of the fact that we only have sex when he wants to. (Sometimes when he initiates I consider saying no and turning him down so he can feel what it's like, because he's never ever been turned down by me, but then I think to myself that it would be dishonest, because I really want to have sex and I'd be pretending I don't. Seems manipulative. Any thoughts on this?)

We've discussed increasing the frequency, but he would just be having sex with me more often as a favor, because he wouldn't really be into it. That's a huge turn off for me.

So there's kind of no solution at all. I don't initiate, I suck it up and masturbate a lot to cope with my constantly throbbing vagina, but I'm left in a wreck emotionally because I equate physical intimacy to how much he loves me. I really need sex to feel emotionally fulfilled. This ends up affecting my self-esteem and self-worth, and I would really like some advice on how to not feel so sad and hurt by the lack of sex. Is there something wrong with me? Is it normal that I lack emotional security because of not having as much sex as I want/need?

Any thoughts or perspectives would be appreciated. Please feel free to ask for any additional info. Thank you.

I see this technique used a lot here and I don't like it or agree with it.

This leaves me extremely physically frustrated, and resentful of the fact that we only have sex when he wants to.

And that is why I don't agree with it.

Personally, I don't believe in compromising down to the low libido partners level of frequency. It's a one way street that leaves the High libido partner unfulfilled. That's not a real compromise, in my opinion. It is just selfish to expect monogamy and not provide for it. Especially when it so deeply affects your partner. I think you should have another talk with him and mention that while he feels pressured, you feel things too and for this to work, a REAL compromise needs to happen.

A truly good SO should care about your needs even when they have to go out their way for them.

Thank you for your perspective. You said "A truly good SO should care about your needs even when they have to go out their way for them." This is why I try to go out of my way to take pressure off of him.

I agree that the higher libido partner never imitating seems to be a common thing people try in these situations, but I honestly don't see what else we can do.

I'm going to talk to him about it more tonight. Can you suggest a compromise where he goes out of his way to make sure my needs are meet? Before leaving for work today he proposed helping me get off without being pressured to have full on sex, which I thought might be a good idea and agreed to discuss more later on.

I should mention, he doesn't think it's normal that my self-esteem and emotional security are so closely tied in with the frequency of sex. He thinks normal people are not like this, and I don't have any idea how true that is. This is why I'm asking on this subreddit. Is it unhealthy that our sex life dictates how I feel about myself and about his love for me? I am in the process of making an appointment with a therapist to sort this out, because it seems like it's mainly my problem.

Thank you for your perspective. You said "A truly good SO should care about your needs even when they have to go out their way for them." This is why I try to go out of my way to take pressure off of him.

Exactly! That is great of you! But it should go both ways.

Can you suggest a compromise where he goes out of his way to make sure my needs are meet?

Another compromise? My wife has a higher sex drive than me. If we had sex based on where and when she wanted it, we would get arrested. I'm not LL by any means but she does want it A LOT! I promised however, I would NEVER reject her because I know how it feels to be rejected. So instead, I tell her that when I am tired or just exhausted from the day, it's her job to get on top and enjoy herself and not to expect a porn star level of performance from me. It takes a lot of pressure off because I get to relax, she never fears rejection, and I don't feel like I have to get her off. We are just enjoying it. Perhaps you could try something similar with him where if he is tired, you won't expect much and will do the work. You may even notice he likes it after a while. I know for me, usually I'll get a second wind and flip her over afterward!

I should mention, he doesn't think it's normal that my self-esteem and emotional security are so closely tied in with the frequency of sex.

Easy for him to say. He's not being rejected and you are having sex on HIS frequency. And who cares what normal is. That is how you feel and a lot of people feel that way, myself included. So no, what he said isn't true. The issue is more the lack of sex itself and the fear of being rejected by the only person you can have sex with.

Think about it, if you went to a bar and offered the first person to buy you a drink sex, you would be fighting dicks off with a stick. But now you have to rely on one person as your only way for sex. So it changes everything up with is why I believe if you expect monogamy, you should provide for it.

Those are some great ideas. I'm going to bring some of them up tonight. I might just have to be more assertive and more demanding. I try to be the opposite of that because to him even addressing this issue is "pressure about sex" but it doesn't get anywhere unless we have some uncomfortable conversations. I need more sex, and I'm going to ask for it.

I really, really appreciate your insight. Just talking about this with someone other than him is doing wonders for my soul. Lol

Yes, I have always been this way, and he knows a huge part of the relationship for me is feeling physically connected with him, on a regular basis. What he doesn't understand is to him, going without sex for 6 days is no big deal at all and he doesn't even think about it, but to me going 6 days without sex is like going 6 days without food- I'll probably survive and be okay at the end of 6 days, but I'm miserable and all I can think about is hunger and I'm preoccupied with it. It's just really difficult to reach him and properly explain how difficult it is for me. I try to be understanding because I know it's really hard to see a perspective that differs so much from yours, so I know he tries to understand me but still just can't quite put himself in my shoes. That's why I brought up considering rejecting him a few times, just to see if maybe it'll give him that "aha!" moment where he might think ah, so that's what that feels like. Therapy is a better idea though, you're right. I'm going on Monday alone for my very first session. I hope I can get some help out of it.

One thing I know a lot of couples do (works or me and my so) is when I want sex and he doesn't I get my self off while we cuddle. He'll kiss my neck and help out a little but not have to do much other than hold me and be intimate. That way I get off, get the intimacy I want, and he's involved so it's not just me alone sadly masturbating and resenting him. It works well. It's a compromise in that you're not getting left out of the equation like you are with not initiating.

I had this exact problem with my husband though the difference is that his sex drive was never high at any point. Now we have sex twice a week and I feel more satisfied than when we initially began dating and we went through rough patches of being denied when I initiated and never denying him when he initiated. My need for sex has come down to a comfortable level and his has come up to a comfortable level because we talked this thing through constantly. The issues were that whenever I touched him I couldnt just let it be touching because I was so deprived of intimacy outside the bedroom because he wouldn't touch me because whenever he touched me I wanted to have sex because he never touched me because I always wanted sex because he never touched me. It was a horrible vicious cycle. And we worked and worked. I said he had to let me initiate without being denied but I wouldn't kiss him and make a beeline for his dick. But I was using sex to gain intimacy. So we worked outside the bedroom to fulfill each other as husband and wife in a non sexual way so that he could enjoy the ease of being with me without pressure and I could stop feeling like an unwanted nuisance. I know how hard this is, but constant talking about feeling shamed when he has just blown off your advances or him saying he feels pressure really helps to see how our own behavior affects the other persons sex drive

I literally could have written this entire thing. Thank you for letting me know that working through it can be successful. We are trying really hard. The vicious cycle of touching him and (sometimes subconsciously) diving for his dick is so spot on I just almost cried years of relief that someone else goes through it and exasperation that this a thing we're having to deal with.

On the plus side, we just had a little chat about how privileged we are to have such a nice and comfortable life that we have the time to focus on things like feelings, and examine our relationship and work together to fix it. Maybe I'm just being extra positive to counter all the bad feelings I have, haha. But really, thank you.

My pleasure. I'm glad you know it is something that can be resolved that doesn't require removing your needs. It doesn't work. You can only keep up the thin veil of illusion for so long before every incomplete kiss or missed connection makes you break. It's not worth it. You can ask for more special attention outside of the bedroom with more cuddling or kissing holding hands and if those needs are met you will find that when he isn't in the mood it doesn't destroy your self worth anymore because you know he actually does think you matter and not just matter when he wants you to matter. Let him know you aren't just in this for an orgasm. You could have gotten that from damn near anyone. What you want is him. You will notice a lot of barriers coming down on his side when he doesn't just feel like a piece of meat. And in reality you are both experiencing the same feelings. That you're only good for one thing. He thinks you always just want a fuck and you think he only wants you when he wants to fuck. Reconnect elsewhere and watch your sex life happen more while your time together becomes quality time together. Im also so glad he wants to talk about it and sometimes just saying "I feel like maybe you think I'm always on you for sex and that's too much pressure" can really help him see that you understand what his side of the conflict is and he doesn't have to try and explain it because sometimes we just don't know what's bothering us until someone helps us see it properly. Best of luck to you guys!

Your "sex" life is part of your "life". If it isn't harmonious, your relationship is not harmonious. If neither of you can come to an agreement that leaves you both fully satisfied, eventually you will start making eyes elsewhere- that's just nature. A relationship is mental and physical. One cannot exist without the other- we are physiological beings; part social, part physical. This thread is full of cases like this. Seems most of the relationships with this dynamic are headed the way of not being relationships anymore.

Do tiredness and stress contribute to his low libido? If that's the case, there are things you can do to loosen him up and get him in the mood more often. I tend to have this problem, work makes me tired and I don't feel like having sex until my bf and I cuddle for a bit, maybe sit down and have dinner together without computers or TV, sometimes have a drink. I just need to get the days stress out of my system and connect with him before I can feel like having sex.

it could just be that the wife is ugly/the guy is not attracted to her anymore. in fact i'd say that's probably the most likely cause, he's probably jacking it twice daily and just doesn't want to bang the ole lady.

Huh. The description you have given of the sex that the two of you have really makes me wonder about why he would not want more of that.

Really.

However, this point has been discussed quite well already, and I really think you two would be best of if he decided to compromise more for you - possibly in a fun way, letting him initiate as wonted, but also allowing you one time per week to initiate. You could see if you could maybe convince him of the profit of agreeing to you, if you were the one to decide for fitting moments on which to approach him.

What I would actually want to add are two things about the emotional consequences it has for you, when you do not have sex in accordance with your lust:

I.) Do you have long and passionate enough post-sex-closeness for your taste? And are you often enough intimate on regular occasions, sharing kisses, and proving your love to one another verbally?

If not, you might feel more comfortable about your lack of sex if you at least got more physical attention in general. My last girlfriend often considered cuddling and long-lasting sex a waste of time. It was very unpleasant to be left behind, longing for something as easily provided as closeness; and that definitely made me a lot more desperate about instances in which I felt my sex-drive disregarded. [This happened less than for you, and was not related to why we broke up, though.]

II.) That your confidence in your husband's appreciation of you depends on how much sex he wants of you [or how much he attends to your sex drive?], is indeed potential proof of your fragile trust in his love in general. None that I, if I were him, ever mind, because it is more of reflection than anything dangerous, but still: You likely know he loves you and understand his reasons, and yet only by not craving you physically, he can cause your doubt, and despair.

I understand why this fact makes him hesitant to simply fulfill your desire, because it would partly base your trust in his love on that favor.

However, all I mean to say is that I can relate to his doubt. Yet, what I would encourage him to do, is to get over that, and:

As a consequence to the fact that there might be doubt on your behalf, of his feelings, he should go about being more romantic than before, to prove you those.

Completely independant on whether or not your lack of having your lust fulfilled lets your doubt his commitment:

You have a desire for sex. When you discuss increasing the frequency again, ask him whether that fact does nothing for him as far as "being into it" is concerned. I understand it would turn you off if he would not genuinely be interested, but I have a hard time understanding why the idea of you wanting to be pleased by him would not make him horny, or at least want to fulfill your craving for an orgasm.

This is, of course, nothing you can demand of him, but it is a possibility that I would advise you to keep in mind, in order to hope for that to incite him, some day.

I apologize for the wall of text but I completely feel you and want to share my experience best I can.

I was also in a very very similar situation; together for 10 years, married for 7, his libido dropped off after the honeymoon phase and the last 3 years or so the difference in libido has been...excruciating. He is good with twice a week or so, less is OK. I want more. I read the five love languages which opened my eyes. Basically there are five ways people show their love. Perhaps yours is physical touch, in the form of sex, and his is another form. That is one theory. I am similar in that I also feel insecure and very hurt when I am rejected for sex. It feels like I am not attractive enough, I'm not sexy enough, he doesn't have that ravaging desire that I feel like men should have when women provide them with an opportunity to. Once I read the book and I explained this theory, we saw the imbalance differently. He never saw sex as a big deal as far as a symbol of love.

Another theory, and I mean this with respect, is that there is something else missing that is trying to be filled with sex. I didn't realize that we were starting to drift apart and I was equating sex to be a form of him showing love. My confidence was plummeting, I resented him for not finding me so attractive that he had to fuck me, and when I approached him for sex, he didn't feel the attraction because well, I had not been showing him love throughout the day/week. I'm not saying that this is your case, I'm merely saying this was the case for me. I had started going to therapy for something else, and our relationship has repaired considerably in many aspects. One of the things that I am working on is improving my level of confidence. I have asked him to not reject me for the next few times I try to approach him for sex, in an effort to repair my confidence. He has agreed, and it has been great. It makes me feel better, sexier, and more confident. I, in turn, have respected the fact that he a) does not want to have sex immediately when we get home from work b) does not want to have sex all the time. Our relationship being repaired in the nonsexual sections have really helped me feel more fulfilled even though the frequency of sex has remained about the same (a teeny bit more).

These were the things that vastly improved my "issue" with the difference in libidos, and obviously your mileage may vary. There is nothing wrong with you, and it is completely normal for you to be emotional over being rejected. We had many uncomfortable embarrassing conversations, but I want you to know that there are others who have gone through the same thing, and I hope that things will improve for you. This is a throwaway, but please feel free to PM me and I will be more than happy to talk about anything further. Good luck!

You know, I find it almost creepy that you recommended the 5 love languages, because I just bought it about three hours ago on on the kindle store. :) I had been reading reviews for it since last April, and just never got around to getting it. I can't wait to read it, and maybe have him read it, because it seems our biggest problem is not really being able to imagine what the other feels like. I have a hard time understanding (because of my own hypersexuality) how he could possibly not constantly want to fuck. It really boggles my mind in the most honest sense, I really mean it. Sometimes I am just at a loss when he says certain things.

And about having something "missing", I found out he had contacted and shared pictures with some girl on the Internet a long long time ago way before we were married or living together, when he was drunk and horny and alone. (He specifically told her the body parts of her he liked, parts in a department that I err, lack in a little bit.) It never went beyond two exchanged messages (he stayed logged in and I use his laptop for work) but it threw off my self-esteem a lot. I used to really be into myself in a good and healthy way. That really made me crumble to a heap of pathetic insecurities. We've worked on it and he's truly regretful and we have almost recovered from it, but I feel that my constant need for intimacy might be tied in to the fact that I'm still healing from the 1) breach of trust, and 2) the pain of reading the specifics about what he liked on this girl.

I have forgiven him and I didn't think it would affect our relationship much because I truly felt I forgave him. I love him the same and we have rebuilt trust and it didn't affect the way I view him or anything. I am still mad about him.

I read a theory recently about partners for whom the honeymoon phase doesn't go away. We've lived together for five years so things didn't exactly change when we got married, and I consider our honeymoon phase to be 3-4 years ago, so it makes sense that things have mellowed our for him, but I'm going in literally the opposite direction. I want him more every year. I make a huge effort not to jump him and try to get in his pants every minute we're together.

I'm hoping the love languages will help us too. I'm also going to my first talk therapy session next week. I'm nervous about how bring this stuff up, although I feel really good about the therapist. Do you have any tips about how to go about it? I'm inexperienced when it comes to talking to anyone besides him and I'm honestly just a ball of nerves over this whole thing right now. It has really escalated, and we're both determined to change things drastically for the better. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the time you took to reach out and let me know I'm not alone. It feels really good to hear, thank you. I might take you up on the PM offer. Cheers :)

I too started therapy about three months ago. I was incredibly nervous, embarrassed, honestly had never spoken to anyone about our problems. Therapy was for the fact that I have punched him on three occasions during terrible arguments, not for the difference in libido or general marriage problems. She could sense that I was choosing my words carefully and stopped me, said "you should feel free to say everything. you can curse, you can cry, you can tell me everything you have kept inside". They are there to help you, and it took a few sessions for me to be able to say the things I would have never said out loud, but she truly did not judge me. That would be my advice. You're already going to therapy so you already are looking to work on things. For me, my husband did not go to therapy, and turned out that this glorification of sex was just in my mind. I was feeling neglected (because I had become depressed, then he felt helpless and left me alone because I had a defeatist attitude, and who thinks thats sexy anyway) and I had associated the lack of sex as tangible evidence that he was neglecting me.

I had also thought that my wanting him more was me falling more in love with him. This is the case now, but it wasn't then. It was this need and desperation for me to see him to show measurable affection. Not just by words or smiling or hugging, but passion, and fireworks. My sex drive has tapered down, where I still want him more than he does, but I am feeling more fulfilled in other areas, and thus not yearning for him so badly. I very rarely masturbate anymore. It took about three/four months, and it got VERY bad for a period of time, but we are finally in a place where things are great. Not good, great. Like I said, we have sex maybe twice, three times a week if the stars align, but I am content in other areas and not feeling that desperation. Previously him initiating sex had started to feel obligatory, and then I wouldn't feel satisfied even if I had an orgasm, because I had it in my mind that there was no passion.

I'm very sorry that you found that exchange between him and her. I don't know who initiated it, but if it was him, it sounds like he might feel like something's missing as well. It's hard to move on from that. I hope therapy works for you guys, because it definitely did for me.

The love languages...well, the book just gives more examples, really. I thought it was good to keep in the back of my head, but our relationship had additional issues. This book however, was better for thinking things through. It's got some cheesy exercises that I didn't do, but it was helpful for me to read and take a step back to look at how things were.

Sorry for yammering on, I don't know how to edit my words into less than essays. It feels good to have someone out there like me, and I hope you guys can get through it, cuz there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I would be curious about each of your respective physical fitness. I find that when my partner and I are both active, eating well, getting a lot of exercise, etc we both have a much higher sex drive. We are breathing better, we have more energy, feel sexier and more confident, and have more endurance. If you are a more fit individual and your husband, perhaps you should leave the sex issue alone for a while and try to get him to do other physical things with you and see if you can get his sex drive up naturally.

I run 30 miles a week and do probably a total of 4 hours of strength/resistance training a week.
He has a demanding job (sitting at a desk) and doesn't workout at all. His diet is great through, he just gets no physical activity really.

I understand that he's busy, but perhaps for a while you can dedicate every other time that you want to have sex to doing something else physical. Get him moving and maybe he'll start feeling it more. Good luck!

What worked for my low libido? I gave up porn and I stopped masturbating (as much). It was difficult, but I did it for her and, honestly, sex is that much better than self service.

Some difficult truths: you guys have been together for a long time, and you are still very young. I may be wrong, but it sounds like you two have been together for most of your (sexually active) lives. He may have never gotten that "wild oats" period and neither did you. He wants to be with other women leaving him jerking off a lot, and you want to be with a man who can satisfy you and do the things that you don't even know that you like, leaving you with a burning vagina most of the time.

No, sorry, that is not the case. You're wrong about a lot stuff. His sex drive is not due to wanting other women or other experiences. He is extremely introverted and has no desire to explore outside our relationship or talk to anyone even. He hardly ever watches porn, and he masturbates (not joking) probably once a month. He seriously genuinely just doesn't get sexual feelings very often, for anyone or anything. He doesn't get boners. The only thing we haven't ruled out is hormone imbalance so he's gonna get checked out. We're very open about this. I've proposed an open marriage and he's not interested, and the sex we do have is awesome, we explore together in a healthy way, try new things etc, he loves what I do for him and how I make him feel, and every single time he gives me at least five core-shaking earth-quaking orgasms that reduce me to a puddle of twitchy shivers. So no, he is not jerking off too much. And I know exactly what I like and he does it all, and very well.
This is not an issue of boredom, or quality of sex, or not enough novelty, or anything like that. It's just frequency. We have a great sex life, but the frequency is low and I am so horny all the time I can hardly stand it.