Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Once Upon a Time, Season 3, Episode 6: Ariel

We open with a flashback this time, Snow White, in her
pre-soggy-salad days running away from the Queen’s guards and, rather than be
taken prisoner, jumping off a cliff into the sea. Presumably the fall knocks
her unconscious (or she’s really bad at swimming) because she sinks like a
stone until she is rescued by a mermaid, Ariel.

So it’s all YOUR fault, Ariel!

Return to the present day in Neverland and Regina is
teaching Emma how to use magic! At laaaaast! Including why concentration is
important; unfortunately Regina’s advice is to use her anger to focus and Emma
shrinks away from the darkness of that. They argue and Emma produces fire,
Regina smugly presents her “I told you so” smile. Of course, David hates the
whole idea but Mary Margaret of the Wet Lettuce surprisingly thinks Emma needs
how to learn how to use her magic rather than fumbling around and hoping.

Hook tells Mary Margaret and David what Pan told him – that
Neal is still alive (Pan’s little test to see if hook would tell Emma and
sink his little crush). Mary Margaret
looks up and sees a bent branch and a trail – she takes this as definite proof
Neal is alive and almost runs off all on her own. David stops her. Mary Margaret,
you just turned David into the smart one. David. What does this say about you?
They all agree not to tell Emma to protect her delicate emotional fee-fees
(David) and to not give Pan what he wants (Hook). Mary Margaret is initially
resistant but agrees to keep the secret to protect Emma and they’ll all go off
and rescue Neal without her. Oh dear.

Flashback to the enchanted forest Ariel tells Snow White
her story – she’s on the run to someone – her loved one, Eric, she has never
ever spoken to but had insta-fishy-lust on seeing his face. Snow White calls it
love at first sight and doesn’t think it’s foolish (I do). Anyway, she’s off to
her prince’s ball in the name of Ursula the sea goddess and she does that by
changing her tail into legs (and a filmy skirt, because the kiddies may be
watching). Apparently Ursula also gives her 12 hours of legs for this
particular date (I think because she likes the idea of mermaids who can’t keep
track of time floundering around helplessly in dry land). Snow White asks why
she just doesn’t get an extension which shows a bizarre lack of knowledge of
deities in general, but apparently Ursula hasn’t been seen for a few thousand
years. Oh and Eric doesn’t know she’s a mermaid but Snow White will help her
find her true love (and by “true love” we mean the guy Ariel is creepily
stalking who she’s never spoken to before).

Back in Neverland, Emma and Regina notice that the others
are packing to leave; they try to lie which lasts oh 3 seconds which is 1
second less than Mary Margaret can keep a secret and she blurts that Neal is alive.

Elsewhere on the island, Gold can’t see the future
because time stands still in Neverland and Pan drops in for breakfast and
mockery, extra mocking because Neal has the brains of the squid he killed. And apparently
Gold can’t kill Pan without killing himself. Lots of poking gold for how, even
if he rescues his son and grandson, they’ll never forgive him – after all, Gold
hasn’t forgiven his own father. He tells Gold to return to Belle and have a new
child (one more intelligent than Neal, perhaps). I’m getting a little tired of
Gold angst.

Return to our heroes and Regina thinks Pan’s playing
games with them. Emma waffles and Mary Margaret insists – causing Regina to
leave to find Henry, she refuses to be distracted based on what their enemy,
known for playing games, tells them.

Flashback – Snow White guides Ariel around the ball and
all its human things before Eric arrives wearing either an incredibly elaborate
embroidered jacket or possibly one of the rugs. Ariel goes to him prompted by
Snow White and she trips – so he invites her to dance (why, to see if she can
humiliate herself on the dance floor?) While they dance he recognises her from
the shipwreck but she denies it – but he claims that Ursula saved him and
showed him a vision of his future – Ariel. He tells her about his plan to see
the world, sailing off the next day and he asks her to come with him. he will
look for her on the docks the next day if she wants to join him.

Meanwhile all this is being spied on by Evil Queen Regina who is not amused
that Snow White survived her plunge from the clifftops. But she has a Cunning
Plan.

Back in Neverland, Pan has Neal moved to the “echo caves”
and has his own Cunning Plan. Meanwhile Gold is still all angsty and his Belle hallucination
arrives, urging him to return to Storybrooke and start a new family (a bit of a
twist since the hallucination has been mainly concerned with making Gold do the
right thing). He nearly takes her hand – and then she starts choking. Regina
emerges from the forest pulling a full Darth Vader death grip on her,
scornfully telling Gold to snap out of it. She exposes the Belle hallucination as
Pan’s shadow.

She drags Gold out on the carpet for his “amateur hour”
failing and gold asks why she cares. Regina “I’ve been camping with the
Charmings for a week and getting nowhere!” AMEN! She needs Rumplestiltskin –
and surely the Dark One and the Evil Queen together, the most powerful magic
users there has ever been, can defeat one smug teenager. Gold repeats that
killing Pan means killing him – so Regina thinks outside the box – what about containing
him? A fate worse than death rather than just killing him. Gold brings up his
previous intention to kill Pan and die and Regina laughs at the idea – she knows
his “survival instincts” better than that, but brings him back on topic before
he mopes some more; all they need is an item from his shop. Which involves
crossing realms.

On to Emma and Mary Margaret with Emma talking about kissing
Hook and Mary Margaret splattering gooey hope and tweeness everywhere. Time for
a flashback with Snow White also splattering hope and tweeness everywhere. She’s
quite messy like that. This time the message is “be honest and open your heart
to love.” Hallmark may put that on a card. Ariel goes to the sea to pray to
Ursula for an answer (though she doesn’t believe Ursula exists) and she emerges
from the water – Regina with tentacles. Seriously is every fairy tale villain
Regina now? Where did she find the time?

She dismisses Snow White’s advice and instead gives her a
new solution – a bracelet that will let her have legs permanently, allowing her
to stay with Eric and he will never ever have to know she’s a mermaid. Ariel
runs to Snow White with her new gift – it has an added bonus of also letting
Snow White permanently escape the Evil Queen: it turns Ariel human and Snow
White into a mermaid. While Snow is flopping about Regina arrives, with legs
not tentacles

The heroes arrive at the Echo Caves where Neal is being
held and Hook expositions the place for us: to get in the caves you have to
reveal a truth about yourself that you would never tell to anyone. This is Pan’s
plot – forcing them to reveal their secrets which will then destroy them

Flashback again: Ariel is horrified that Regina tricked
her and Regina hits back with an awesome slap down:

“you went to a long
dead octopus for advice and you’re blaming me for your problems?”

Regina and Snow both tell Ariel to run to Eric – Regina asking
if she’s really going to give up the love of her life for a friend (actually it’s
more give up a complete stranger for another complete stranger) and Snow urging
her to get her happily ever after. Regina starts to magically choke Snow White
(argh, just throw a fireball!) And Ariel runs up from behind and stabs her in
the neck with a fork. Ariel takes the chance to pull off the bracelet from Snow
White, restoring them to their true forms. They jump into the sea.

Back to the present and our heroes enter the cave – and find
Neal across a chasm in a cage. Hook starts the big secret reveal with “I kissed
Emma”. Seriously, you’re a pirate and this is your biggest, darkest secret?
David starts to explode (seriously, this whole protective vagina-guard-daddy
would be sickening even if they weren’t of the same age) until Mary Margaret
tells him it’s not the time. And Emma says it doesn’t count as a secret because
she told Mary Margaret. Hook follows up on it by the fact he has got over his
first love to find a new love – Emma.

Ok, better but I still think a pirate should have better secrets than a crush.
I’m just saying.

His secret revelation causes a bridge to extend part way
over the chasm. Mary Margaret’s turn: she loves Emma and is proud of Emma but
she hates that she missed Emma growing up, she hates that Emma is an adult, it’s
not what she wanted and she wants another baby when they’re back at
Storybrooke. That’s a deep dark secret? Guys you lot are seriously boring if
this is the quality of your deep dark secrets. David’s secret is more of a gut
kick – about
his poisoning and how he can never leave Neverland so that whole go back to
Storybrooke and have kids is a non-starter. The chasm bridge is completed.

Emma crosses the bridge and starts hacking on his cage but Neal stops her,
telling her that’s not how it works (too right it isn’t – try working on a join
Emma). Of course, she has to reveal a secret: that she loves Neal and has
always loved Neal but she was hoping his survival was a trick because Hook
is way hotter and rocks those leather trousers and the eyeliner she’s
already lost him twice and it hurt her so badly and it would be easier for him
to be dead and mourned than drag up the pain again.

Flashback and Snow swims back to shore and tells Ariel to
hurry back to Eric and tell him the truth for her HEA. She swims back to Eric,
sees him waiting for her overlooking the water and calls to him – but cannot
speak. Regina on the dock reveals she stole Ariel’s voice so she can never tell
her prince how she feels.

Regina returns to her castle and a bass relief of Ursula
grabs her (much to Regina’s shock since she thought Ursula was a myth) and
angrily warns her against ever imitating her again.

Back in Neverland, Regina and Gold go to the water’s edge
and Regina whispers into a conch shell. Ariel appears – Gold confirms mermaids
can cross realms but can’t be trusted. But Regina is sure Ariel can – she gives
Ariel back her voice and tells her she can give Ariel legs. And she will send
her to where Prince Eric is: Storybrooke.

One of the things that annoys me so much about David and
Mary Margaret is that in any sensible narrative they’d be wrong. In any
sensible narrative, their twee and rainbows and kittens way of looking at the
world would have them murdered and dropped into a hole round about episode 3.
But it’s not – they are always right even when they really shouldn’t be. Like
this episode – Regina should be right. The enemy drops in to deliver some misinformation,
an enemy already well known for mind games – it’s foolish, it’s ridiculous, it’s
farcical to believe him and act on that information.

Regina snapped Gold out of it! Thank you, I was getting
so beyond tired of Gold’s angst – and him just accepting his Belle
hallucinations! And Regina’s speech to him is epic – and shows just how much
all of these wretched plot tangles have been about Mary Margaret being right
all the time even when common sense says she’s so far out there it’s unreal.
Regina delivering a reality check to Gold? That works and is awesome. But to Mary
Margaret? No – because reality doesn’t apply to Mary Margaret, it’s all
tweeness and extolling the virtue of hope to everyone around her because
disappointment and failure isn’t in her lexicon – because any “defeat” in Mary
Margaret’s narrative is a temporary set back because she got her Happily Ever
After but never realised that not everyone is so lucky (despite having several
people around her who have seen their HEAs collapse)

And the sad things is? The sad thing is that Regina and Gold have formed a
coalition and a plan based on intelligence, power, strategy and actually
staying on target for more than a few minutes; and it will fail. It will fail
and instead be replaced by Mary Margaret and Emma swanning in with no plan,
reacting to whatever Pan does like good little puppets, while singing of hope
and goodness and light along the way.

My opinion on this is summed up by a quote from Terry
Pratchett (who is always awesome):

“If you trust in yourself.
. .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get
beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and
weren't so lazy.”