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November 20, 2014

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The proposed Keystone XL pipeline, which would add 1,600 miles of pipeline for increased transportation capacity of crude oil from Alberta to refineries in Texas, was defeated by a single vote in the U.S. Senate this week. It's a hot political issue, but how well do you really understand it? Consult the following FAQ to learn more.

Why do people oppose the pipeline?
It will only create about 35 permanent jobs, and the oil it transports is extracted using environmentally toxic methods. Also, some people have gotten in the habit of just assuming that anything Mitch McConnell says is wrong.

Why do people support it?
The pipeline’s construction will create as many as 40,000 temporary jobs and expand crude-oil capacity. Also, from space the pipeline will resemble Republicans giving a giant middle finger to the so-called “environment.”

If it’s just about the construction jobs, why don’t we just build a coast-to-coast waterslide?
Call your representatives and demand it now.

Where will the pipeline go?
The pipeline will run from Canada to Texas, with a quick detour over to the Grand Canyon, because the oil has never seen it but has always wanted to.

Why did Democrat Mary Landrieu want this vote to happen?
She is in a run-off election for Senate in New Orleans and wants to seem like she is pro oil and gas. Future generations will look back and be glad we were all playing political games like this rather than ensuring the environmental stability of their planet. Just kidding, of course — future generations won’t exist!

Could the pipeline transport other, less controversial substances, such as pudding?
In terms of pure physics, yes this would be possible. However, the Canadian prairie states are not known for this scale of pudding production, and the international demand for pudding, when compared to oil, is much, much lower.

Extracting oil from the Canadian oil sands will cause a huge upswing in carbon emissions. Will the pipeline be able to function under water after the country floods as global warming worsens?
Yes.

What does the “XL” part of the “Keystone XL Pipeline” refer to?
Well, they were out of larges, so the pipeline’s mom thought an XL was close enough and, besides, he can grow into it.

What if we painted the pipeline green? Would that make it more eco-friendly?
Based on the average American voter’s grocery store purchasing habits, yeah, that’d probably do the trick.

Pipelines are a safe way to transport oil, right?
No. They leak and explode all the time. But so do the trains that carry it and so do tankers. It’s almost as if the Earth is trying to warn us that using this stuff is a bad idea.

How big around is the pipeline? Would it be a feasible joke for me to stand at one end of it and pretend that it is my penis?
The XL pipeline would be 36 inches in diameter and 1,179 miles long, making it far bigger in circumference and much longer than the average human penis. However, exaggeration is often employed in humor, so, depending on your audience, the joke could potentially be effective. Our top comedy analysts predict at least 12 likes on Instagram.