Monsters at home: the Aliens

The ‘Xenomorphs’ as some fans clumsily insist on calling them (in conversation I simply refer to them as “the Aliens from Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, Alien vs. Predator and Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem”) get as rough a press as any monster. They’re stereotyped as slavering, parasitical biomechanical killers, but their quality time is spent far more gently and it’s time to lift the lid.

WHAT DO THEY EAT It’s tough spending all day eating people. And when you’ve got acid for blood, you’re going to need something to settle the stomach. As thealkalinefoods.com tells us, too much acid can lead to a loss of essential minerals such a potassium, magnesium, calcium, and sodium. So the Aliens, secretly, scoff on raw green leafy vegetables, low-sugar fresh fruits, almonds and chestnuts.

HOW DO THEY SOCIALISE We only ever see the remorseless, predatory side of the Aliens on screen, as they skulk around in dank tunnels and darkened corridors. But in their spare time they enjoy a lot of village fête-style activities, with stalls such as ‘Who’s Got The Best Egg?’ ‘Guess The Weight Of The Face-Hugger’ and ‘How Many Embryos In The Jar?’ proving increasingly popular.

WHAT DO THEY DRINK Look, we’ve established that they need a more alkaline diet. That’s why they enjoy a nice refreshing drop of Kaolin & Morphine. This also helps with the relief of occasional diarrhoea.

WHAT DO THEY WATCH ON TELLY Their natural life-cycle involves consuming, impregnating and brutalising. So to unwind they watch The Only Way Is Essex, Take Me Out and My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. The early years of Tom Baker’s Doctor Who are also popular, with focus groups praising The Ark In Space (“some of the ideas are a bit far-fetched but the design is lovely”) and Pyramids of Mars (“the scene where Sarah bursts out of a chest is a big family favourite”)

WHAT DO THEY DO FOR FUN The latest leisure fad in the Alien community came about when the Queen in Aliens learned to operate a lift by watching Ripley. So now it’s a rare Saturday afternoon when you won’t find a bunch of these playful creatures in their local branch of Debenhams or John Lewis, riding up and down between kitchenware and menswear like a particularly murderous tribute to the Are You Being Served? intro.

HOW DO THEY REPRODUCE The Aliens aren’t unaware that we say they symbolise fears about human sexuality and embody themes of twisted motherhood. In fact they’re very sensitive about it. These days, young Aliens have taken to wearing abstinence rings to show their chastity. They attend pious ceremonies in which they vow to stay pure until they meet ‘the right person’. Sadly, though, they ARE still monsters, and all it means is they won’t face-rape anyone who doesn’t look they’re asking for it.

One last thing: it amused me to see the below while I was fact-checking. What did they THINK we were hoping the page would be like?