Rev. Tess Baumberger: Discovering the calm within calm

Rev. Tess Baumberger

Monday

Apr 26, 2010 at 12:01 AMApr 26, 2010 at 12:38 PM

Looks can be deceiving. Most people see me as a calm person, for example, and although I have gotten used to this over time, it was a surprise at first. Internally, my experience has mostly been very different. Years ago I confessed to a friend that I often feel very anxious and tense inside. He thought there were three layers to me – calm outside, a layer of anxiety, and deeper still a core of calm. At the time I could not believe the core of calm thing, but now believe he may have been right.

Looks can be deceiving. Most people see me as a calm person, for example, and although I have gotten used to this over time, it was a surprise at first. Internally, my experience has mostly been very different. Years ago I confessed to a friend that I often feel very anxious and tense inside. He thought there were three layers to me – calm outside, a layer of anxiety, and deeper still a core of calm. At the time I could not believe the core of calm thing, but now believe he may have been right.

The difference between inside and outside is not an intentional deception on my part. It is the result of having grown up in a family scarred by alcoholism, where I learned to present a different face to the world. We are not supposed to talk about this tragedy. We are supposed to be too ashamed. Especially us clergy, we are supposed to be perfect and untouched by such things. Then again, we are meant to be honest and real.

Neither of my parents drank, but both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. Since my parents grew up in alcoholic homes, they thought that was how families acted. So they repeated those patterns – the sudden, unexpected rages, the isolation, the broken promises, manipulation and abuse – it all happened even though they did not drink.

If there had been alcohol involved there would have been something external to blame, instead of blaming myself. Kids often think they are powerful enough to cause such behaviors. That alcohol was to blame only became clear years later, when a therapist sent me to Al-Anon, a group for the family and friends of alcoholics.

At first I just sat and cried in the meetings as speaker after speaker told what I thought was only my story – trying to be perfect in order to duck the rages, having to assume too much responsibility too young, and the constant, vigilant anxiety. On the one hand it was such an intense relief to know that I was not alone. On the other hand, it was sad to hear that so many others had also been affected.

In time I learned that alcoholism is a family disease – it affects not only the alcoholic but also all the people around him or her. Family and friends act in characteristic ways as they try to cope, and those patterns of behavior persist if untreated. This is why alcoholism sometimes skips generations. That’s the family part.

The other part is that alcoholism is a disease. The disease model for addiction has some limitations, but one good thing about it is that it removes the sting of shame. As a disease, addiction is like diabetes in that it can be treated but not cured. Unlike diabetes, each member of a family caught by the disease can seek treatment and find relief from their symptoms. The alcoholic may well continue drinking, or the drug user keep using, or the gambler keep gambling, but programs like Al-Anon can help those who love them find some serenity and support. I have.

Yesterday I went for a walk in a little wooded park near my home. It had been a nice day off with my son, and I was feeling very relaxed and serene.

The core of calm in me (yes, it does exist!) had expanded, pushing out the layer of anxiety. It occurred to me that instead of going around feeling tense most of the time, sort of “clenched,” I could go through life relaxed, no matter what is happening around me. If that tension is a holdover from growing up in that family scarred by alcohol, why not shed that symptom?

Whatever your history, if you spend a great deal of time feeling tense or anxious you might want to try this too. We are able to choose our attitude toward the world, right? To some extent, feeling stressed is a choice. Why not make a different choice? What if we tried being relaxed inside even if things are tense in our workplaces, our immediate families, our extended families, the world. Why not choose serenity despite all that has to be done, some of which we can do and some of which is beyond our power to do.

What if, instead of being tensed and braced for disaster all the time, we worriers just relaxed? It seems to me that we might react differently, if and when disaster did strike. In fact if we were relaxed and rested, we might “respond” in positive ways rather than “react” negatively, and that would be a very good thing. It would seem to be what Spirit wants for and from us, to discover and bolster that calm within calm.

If being tense and vigilant has been your coping strategy for a long time, it has probably taken a toll on you and your relationships. Why not join me in trying a different strategy and then see what happens? Probably others will sense the difference. Since people dislike change they might try to prod us to change back, but if we hold onto that sacred calm, in time they will adjust. It’s worth a shot. I’m in, are you?

The Rev. Tess Baumberger, PhD, is minister at Unity Church of North Easton, Mass. For more information and links to this and other Unitarian Universalist churches, please visit www.uua.org. She can be reached at easton@cnc.com.

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