Cat Flaps don't seem to work when Mummy and Daddy are not at home. Make sure to react extremely offended when they get back and demand a repair man.Don't listen to explanations about safety and danger and such...

Clean Surfaces

Humans like to clean things. Help them by giving them a reason for cleaning. They appreciate the help. Muddy paws make beautiful marks. Pick out complex surfaces like the front of the big white noisy machines - the ones with all the buttons - in the kitchen. Wipe muddy paws against clean surface, make complicated patterns.

Company

When there's company, make sure they notice you. Lie down on your back in the middle of the room. If they still don't notice you, swing your tail.When there's food available, make yourself noticeable by just serving yourself. Climb on top of laps and attack their pastry. (Don't do this when there's no company).

Kibble

Kibble is only tasteful when you can't see the bottom of the bowl through it. Never eat the last few hands of kibble. Demand new kibble and make sure THEY don't fool you by covering the new fresh kibble with the old kibble.
Always check the quality of your kibble by doing the "floating test". Drop about 10 pieces of kibble in the water bowl. Repeat this check every day. You never know, they might change the formula secretly.

Men

Men are creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy!!!
Make it very obvious to them you think that way...

Sleeping and playing

Always sleep during the day, and start playing when THEY go to bed. Make a lot of noise to let them know that you're there.

Twigs

Twigs are very sad and lonely. Take all twigs from the garden with you inside. Make sure every room is decorated with at least ten twigs. A house can never have enough twigs. Twigs make lovely toys too...

Vomiting

Vomiting must be done on clean surfaces only. Hard surfaces like tiles or linoleum must be avoided because of the danger of spattering. When there's nothing else available, try to climb on some sort of platform first and aim at the floor below. If there's no platform available, walking backwards while vomiting might help to keep one's paws spotless and clean.