The four types of drunks, according to science

There are many types of people in this world. Psychologists tell us there are introverts, extroverts, Type A and Type B – a whole field dedicated to organising us into specific personality types. But they’ve shamefully been ignoring the most important type of scientific exploration – what sort of drunks are there?

Why does my mate Matt, who is as quiet as a mouse when he’s sober – suddenly become an unstoppable, raging party monster when a drop of scotch hits his lips?

And why does Kristy go from being a stone-cold ice-queen normally, to giving unwanted slobbery kisses on the cheek and telling everyone she loves them?

1. The Hemingway

The world of literature is littered with famous alcoholics, but perhaps none as notorious as Ernest Hemingway who once boasted he could “drink hells any amount of whiskey without getting drunk”.

These people are the ‘heavyweights’ who can seemingly drink their bodyweight in liquor and still have no trouble getting into the club.

They’re the most common group, consisting of about 40% of the population, and researchers found they have only slight changes to their personality and maintain the majority of their cognitive abilities.

2. The Mr Hyde

These people are the second largest category, accounting for about a quarter of us.

They are the evil twin, the angry drunks.

According to the study they become “particularly less responsible, less intellectual, and more hostile when under the influence of alcohol.”

You can expect them to use such phrases as “OI, YOU LOOKIN’ AT ME M8?!”, to which the correct answer is…nothing, just say nothing and keep walking – avoid eye contact and sudden movements.

3. The Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins’ are usually pretty outgoing and bubbly individuals but a few drinks really ramps this up a notch.