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American man follows his dream; ends up in swimming pool of kittens

As a proud American, New Jersey student Jim Gartner was determined to follow his dream. And last night, his perseverance paid off as he spent a seeming infinity on top of a series of skyscrapers before falling, falling, falling, finally ending up in a swimming pool full of kittens.

‘One of the kittens began talking to me,’ explained Jim, still bewildered from his experience, ‘and it became clear that this kitten was somebody I knew, someone with whom I have unresolved feelings of anxiety.

‘I guess you guys in Europe won’t understand about following your dream,’ he went on, ‘because you haven’t gotten freedomized. But I say go for it, and so does my friend Justin, even though he wound up in jail on account of it. I’m telling ya, next time he drives that school bus, he’s gonna put some clothes on.’