Sports-reporter-turned-videographer Kate Milliken had her heart broken when she was 32 and living in New York City. The man she was about to marry called off their wedding. When her heart healed, Milliken began dating again. She was still looking for Mr. Right two years later in 2006, when she started not feeling well.

“I woke up one Friday the week before Christmas feeling like I hadn’t slept at all,” Milliken recalls. Doctors ordered an MRI to see why she was so fatigued, had trouble with balance, and had tingling in her hands. Five days later, she learned she had multiple sclerosis.

Could she find love with MS? Milliken still wanted to be married with kids, like her friends, and was determined not to let her MS stand in her way. “I needed to get myself in a healthier place and to accept that it’s all going to be okay,” she says.

Milliken, who had recently started her own business producing videos, learned to be smart about how she used her energy and to reduce stress so as not to exacerbate her MS symptoms. “When I stopped pushing so hard, I found love,” Milliken says. At 37, she met the man who would become her husband, Tyler Vaughey, on a blind date a friend had arranged. They were engaged five months later and married in nine. Milliken got pregnant on her honeymoon. Today, she and her husband — along with Tanner, 2, and Maddox, 6 months (pictured top left) — make their home in Phoenix.

Milliken gladly shares her MS story on her Web site, katescounterpane.com, including her courtship, because she wants to encourage others and help them see that dating and MS can go together.

Revealing You Have MS

Rosalind Kalb, PhD, vice president of the Professional Resource Center at the National Multiple Sclerosis Society in New York, says that dating with MS is not necessarily any more challenging than it is for anyone else. “We don’t want people to think that just because they have MS, dating is not an option, that there’s nobody out there who would want them," Kalb says. "People with MS do meet others and do form successful relationships and do get married.”

"People with MS do meet others and do form successful relationships and do get married."

One of the biggest questions you might have when dating is when to reveal that you have a chronic illness, especially if you don’t have any visible symptoms. Should you mention your MS before you go on your first date, wait until at least your second date, or hold off until you’ve dated a few times and the relationship seems to be progressing?

There's no one right answer or honesty schedule to follow. Most people want to put it out there right away, but others choose to wait and see whether they’re interested in the new person before telling all. Kalb’s advice is to think about what you would want to know if the shoe were on the other foot. Also, she says, good relationships are built on trust and truth. “You don’t want to build a relationship on secrecy or half-truths or white lies," she notes. "That’s a shaky way to start.”

Keep in mind that it’s impossible to predict a potential love interest’s reaction to your news. “Some people will hear the words ‘MS’ and head for the hills, but often that’s not the case,” Kalb says. Milliken says that if a guy rejects you because you have MS, then he’s not for you, and it’s probably better to know that upfront.

Tim Roccia of St. Louis, has had MS for more than 25 years. His first marriage ended in divorce, he was back on the dating scene in 2006, and he married a woman, Aleisa, after he was introduced to her by a friend. He says he knew Aleisa was the right one for him because of the understanding she showed while they were dating — like the time they were at a lake, but he couldn’t go boating because the summer heat would have caused a flare. Roccia’s advice is to be open and honest. “You are who you are,” he says. “I’ve seen so many people who wait until the last minute to tell that they have MS. By then, it’s, ‘What are you hiding?’”

Rick Ebner of Bloomington, Minn., says it’s all in your attitude. Diagnosed in 1995, his MS has progressed over the years, and now he needs a scooter to get around much of the time. Back on the dating scene since his divorce a few years ago, he’s openly looking for love and knows he can’t hide his MS — he doesn’t even try. “My biggest fear is being by myself and having to deal with this disease,” he says. “I want to share my life with someone during good times and bad times.”

Ebner joined a church with 6,000 congregants, hoping to make friends and possibly fall in love again. He doesn’t sit home and fret that no one will accept him because he has MS. If he sees a woman he finds attractive, he’ll start talking to her in hopes that it may lead to something. “It hasn’t yet, but I won't quit,” he says. "It’s all about perseverance and humility and courage.”

Milliken agrees that telling a potential partner you have MS doesn’t make you weaker: “It can make you stronger," she says. "MS can be a very scary and unpleasant disease that can make you feel awful, but it doesn’t have to make you less of who you are.”

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