Politicians admit competition isnt healthy

Breaking news from parliament today as a cross party think tank admitted that in a recession competition isnt just counterproductive but is also unwanted.

The conclusion of the painstaking study was that with the country having financial hardship and reduced financial prosperity each pound is precious and theres far more people who want them than there is coin of the realm to share out.

This shocking admission however does support the latest focus on catching and outing benefit cheats. A spokesman for the think tank said

"We have realised that it is right for Emperor Cameron to stick it to those lazy scroungers. Their greedy selfish ways of defrauding the british tax payer of 10s if not hundreds of pounds a week is causing extreme hardship and scrutiny for lords, civil servants and ministers alike many of whom have several houses and multiply luxury cars to feed"

The impact of this financial drain cant be seen more clearly than in the case of an MP who prefered to remain anonymous who had to cancel the purchase of his new bentley and instead opt for the "look alike" Chrysler instead after his fraudulent expenses claims had to be curtailed whilst there was so much scrutiny.

In an interview he told us

"Its embarassing, I will have to suffer feeling awkward and inadequate at the golf club for the next year or so until I can buy a more presitious car again. These peasanty types just have no concept of the real world, and how much it affects the disadvantaged rich folks when they cant defraud the tax payers regularly to the tune of 10s or 100s of thousands of pounds a time because all the money has already been taken by poor people for such trivial things as feeding their kids and paying rent. Its because of such selfish greedy acts that we have to suffer and scrimp by on only two or three houses and substandard transport"

But theres light at the end of the tunnel, the new programs to stop poor people stealing tax payers money before the rich can get their hands on it are hoped to allow expenses claims and fraudulent mortgage flipping to reach pre 2008 levels within a year now that a token number of MPs have been sacrificed via the media.

New means testing systems will be introduced in this years budget to take into account how many mortgages, golf club memberships and expensive cars a person has to support, which will hopefully see funding directed to where the government origionally intended it to end up rather than being diverted into the pockets of poor people who live in rented homes and catch the bus and therefore have no need for state handouts.

As an interim measure, the chancellor has created a guide for MPs suffering at the hands of the poor which details which companies are about to have horrendously overpriced government contracts so they can try to supplement their income by buying shares in advance of contracts being awarded.

Extra unnecessary quangos will also be set up to discover new ways to "stick it to the peasants" and provide much needed short term financial relief for impoverished MPs as an emergency aid measure to help them through these tough times.

A government spokesperson said "we are doing all we can to stamp out the competition for the nations taxes, and our aim is to stop as many poor people as we can from benefitting from fraud so that the people who really deserve the chance to defraud tax payers (the rich) can once again get what they deserve"