by mollykl

Yeah, I know a lot of stuff. I know that February 2nd is the day the German Army surrendered at Stalingrad. I know to make a chocolate roux. I know that Arthur Conan Doyle’s character Challenger from his book “The Lost World” is based on the British explorer Percy Fawcett. But there’s a lot of really basic things that I don’t know. So here it is, my admission of just a few of the things I don’t know how to do.

Prepare to be appalled…

1. How to change a tire.

2. How to make a decent dessert.

3. How to fix a leak (faucet, toilet, oil)

4. How to read the stock listings.

5. How to use a compass.

6. How to find the North Star (without the use of Google Sky)

7. How to play poker without having to show my hand and ask, “Do I have anything?”

by mollykl

1. Priuses in the fast lane. No. Just leave. I don’t care if you got that nice sticker allowing you to drive in the carpool lane, your car is holding everyone up (and, hello?, you do not do 50 in the fast lane).

2. E-book authors who don’t bother to hire editors. Aarrrggghhh! Stupid spelling errors are infuriating when you’re paying for something. And it makes me think you are an idiot, and that, by extension, I must be an idiot for reading your work. I do not like feeling like an idiot. (ppsss! it’s FIR tree not FUR tree! seriously?)

3. Reality tv. The ruination of America. Let’s pay people to be stupid and cruel and make them famous for their stupidity and cruelty!

4. The pretentious use of the word “foodie”. Congratulations, you know who Alice Waters is. Now shut up and eat. Or better yet, shut up and feed someone else.

5. Dismissing service people. The waiter, the busboy, the courtesy clerk, the checker, the guy who’s nice enough to help you lift the bark into your car at Home Depot. Look them in the eye. You are not better than them you miserable fuck. They are what is keeping this economy still breathing. You might want to say thank you.

4. Mondavee Zinfandel (this doesn’t exist anymore…which is sad, since it was the best goddamned zin on the planet). Oh, and you, you know who I’m talking to. You suck.

5. As-yet-unnamed Bad Astronaut Petit Syrah (note: I think this ended up “Pluto Petite” because M was angry that Pluto had been de-planet-ized). It got better with age…in the bottle, which is kinda weird. I have 3 bottles left, and then it’s all gone. Looking forward to the Malbec!

by mollykl

3. “Thank you” (this works if it’s being said to you or if you are saying it to someone else)

4. Food. Lousy food does not make you feel better. The poached egg salad at Plan B does.

5. Hitting something. People are wrong…violence does solve problems. Hitting a heavy bag makes you feel better. Sure your knuckles will hurt the next day if you’re not wearing gloves or tape, but your insides will feel better.

6. Shakira dance party with son J! (He doesn’t care that I look like a dork when I dance)

7. Trying something new. Book, sport, recipe, you name it.

8. Being grateful. Sure the day sucked, but at least it was above ground. My tomato plant actually has tomatoes on it. Husband J sent me a nice text. Tomorrow is the first of my 2 fridays. Organic coffee on sale!

9. Sex.

10. Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations, Season 4, Episode 5. The New Orleans episode. Filmed 2 years post-Katrina, this is the best tv going. I watch, and watch again, and then watch again. This isn’t a case of “there but for the grace of God….”, and it isn’t “well, things could be worse”. This is the good, the bad, the worse and the horrifying all in one. Sometimes life sucks. Pick your ass up and keep going.

by mollykl

1. Reading Pride & Prejudice for the first time.

2. Visiting London. On my own. (A special thanks goes to the guy in the middle eastern restaurant near the British Museum for his kindness)

3. Meeting the ex-POW on the train in Europe. He was showing his wife the camp he was held in during WW2. He’d been telling her for years that it was, and I’m quoting from memory here, “The most beautiful place he’d ever seen. It was like heaven.” People, he was a FUCKING POW! I was blown away that someone could take what was, most likely, the worst experience ever, and find the one small thing that made it bearable.

4. Meeting the ex-POW on the train in Europe, part 2. He saw me sitting there, feeling vastly inferior to my little sister who was prettier, more popular and even smarter than I was (or am). He leaned forward and told me, “It’s ok, one day someone will appreciate all that you are. Just wait.” He was right. If I could have invited him to my wedding to meet husband J, I would have.

5. Visiting New Orleans on my own. It was pre-Katrina. I’d never been anywhere like that before. No it wasn’t at Mardi Gras. No I wasn’t hanging out in bars on Bourbon Street. I stayed at the Cornstalk Hotel in the French Quarter, and in the evening I would sit out on the balcony and I could hear the music from Preservation Hall down the street. It’s everything you think it will be, and everything you don’t. The food, the people, the music, and dear God the humidity (for a West-coaster, oh my). I cried when I left. I think it changed who I am, and I would not be the person I am today, good or bad, if it weren’t for New Orleans.

6. My mom & dad. I talk about my dad all the time, like he was still alive. He is to me. My mom I mostly kvetch about, but never mention how she raised two girls on her own, and did a damn fine job. Yeah, I’m sure she wishes her oldest hadn’t spent four years of under-grad and five years of grad-school to work in a grocery store. But she knows I’m happy. (Oh, and I’m smarter than all of her friends’ kids, and isn’t that what really matters. ;-))

7. C. C. M. R. Oooohhh.. I used your double secret confirmation name…I’m in trouble now aren’t I? I’m the only one, outside of his mother, and possibly Jen (aka Jennie!) who gets to use it. But it pisses him off. He was my best friend in college and beyond, and my best man at my wedding. He offered me that chance to run when I got married, told me I didn’t actually have to go through with it if I wasn’t 100% sure. I was. And then he stood up there with me, holding my little red purse. (God I wish I had a picture of that). Who has a guy for a best friend? Um, yeah, I do. I always know that if I need anything I can call, and he’ll be there.

8. N. The workplace that I don’t name. You know who you are. I love my co-workers, and occasionally I hate you and want to punch you in the face. But dear God the friends I made when I first moved here, and still have. (Hmmm…I guess that’s what makes you family) I was so welcomed and so made to feel at home and so damn supported. When I was filling out the final application I hesitated, thinking, “Just leave, tell them you make a mistake and leave.” That is, of course, what sealed it for me. Anytime I’m terrified, I have to go through with something. The best things always happen that way.

9. Son J. I’ve never been the maternal type. (Ok, as I write that I realize that I do, and always have, treated either employees under me, hello Escential, or those around me, hello N, like my kids, but not in a bad way, more in “I will kill anyone who hurts you” way). My life is better, end of sentence.

10. Husband J. Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. “For where thou art there is the world itself”

by mollykl

by mollykl

Despite my curmudgeonly outward appearance, I’m remarkably upbeat about some things. My running joke with my boss is that I start sentences with, “But on the bright side…” and proceed to find, well, the bright side.

So here it is, my list of the good things about having split days off:

1. Two Fridays!

2. Don’t have to work 5 days straight!

3. By Tuesday my work week is half over!

4. I have a day in the week (thursday) to shop and do banking! Bonus: stores are never busy on Thursdays!

5. Let’s be honest, you people with a normal “weekend”, you waste that first or second day, don’t you? Because you’ve got it good and cushy and you think, “Oh what the hell, I’ve got a spare day off. Bwahahaha!” Well, I don’t have a spare, so I appreciate and ENJOY my days off. Even if it just means sitting around watching Anthony Bourdain and enjoying how comfy my couch is!