RIE parenting could be summed up as an awareness of our babies. We perceive andacknowledge them to be unique, separate people. We enhance our awareness byobserving them — allowing them the bit of space they need to show us who they areand what they need.

RIE parenting also makes us more self-aware. Through our sensitive observations welearn not to jump to conclusions; for example, that our babies are bored, tired, cold,hungry, or want to hold the toy they seem to notice across the room. We learn not toassume that grumbling or fussing means babies need to be propped to sitting, pickedup, or rocked or bounced to sleep. We recognize that, like us, babies sometimes havefeelings that they want to share and will work through them in their own way with oursupport.We learn to differentiate our children’s signals from our own projections. We becomemore aware of the habits we create (like sitting babies up or jiggling them to sleep),habits that can then become our child’s needs. These are artificially created needsrather than organic ones.

In short, RIE parenting asks us to use our minds as well as our instinct, to look andlisten closely and carefully before we respond.

Sensitive observation proves to us that our babies are competent individuals withthoughts, wishes and needs of their own, and once we discover this truth there’s noturning back. Then, like Alison Gopnik, one of several psychologists on the forefront ofan exciting new wave of infant brain research, we might wonder, “Why were we sowrong about babies for so long?”

Practiced observers like RIE founder Magda Gerber weren’t wrong. More than sixtyyears ago, Gerber and her mentor, pediatrician Emmi Pikler, knew what Gopnik’sresearch is finally now proving: infants are born with phenomenal learning abilities,unique gifts, deep thoughts and emotions. Pikler and Gerber dismissed the notion ofbabies as “cute blobs” years ago, understood them as whole people deserving of ourrespect.

Gerber’s RIE approach can perhaps be best described as putting respect for babies intoaction. Here’s how:

1. We communicate authentically. We speak in our authentic voices (though a bitmore slowly with babies and toddlers), use real words and talk about real things,especially things that directly pertain to our babies and that are happening now. Weencourage babies to build communication skills by asking them questions, affordingthem plenty of time to respond, always acknowledging their communication.

2. We invite babies to actively participate in caregiving activities like diapering,bathing, meals and bedtime rituals and give them our full attention during theseactivities. This inclusion and focused attention nurtures our parent-child relationship,providing children the sense of security they need to be able to separate and engage inself-directed play.

3. We encourage uninterrupted, self-directed play by offering even the youngestinfants free play opportunities, sensitively observing so as not to needlessly interrupt,and trusting that our child’s play choices are enough. Perfect, actually.

4. We allow children to develop motor and cognitive skills naturally according totheir innate timetables by offering them free play and movement opportunities in anenriching environment, rather than teaching, restricting or otherwise interfering withthese organic processes. Our role is development is primarily trust.

5. We value intrinsic motivation and inner-directedness, so we acknowledge effortand take care not to over-praise. We trust our children to know themselves better thanwe know them, so we allow children to lead when they play and choose enrichmentactivities, rather than projecting our own interests. We encourage our children’spassions and support them to fulfill their dreams.

6. We encourage children to express their emotions by openly accepting andacknowledging them.

7. We recognize that children need confident, empathetic leaders and clearboundaries, but not shaming, distractions, punishments or time out.

8. We allow children to problem-solve and experience and learn from ageappropriateconflicts with our support.

9. We understand the power of our modeling and recognize that our children arelearning from us through our every word and action about love, relationships, empathy,generosity, gratitude, patience, tolerance, kindness, honesty and respect. Mostprofoundly, they’re learning about themselves, their abilities and their worth, their placein our hearts and in the world.

Note: these are not Magda Gerber’s official RIE principles.

The outcome of all this? I couldn’t agree more with the promises stated on the RIE site:“RIE helps adults raise children who are competent, confident, curious, attentive,exploring, cooperative, secure, peaceful, focused, self-initiating, resourceful, involved,inner-directed, aware and interested”.

But what I’m most grateful to Magda and RIE for is the deeply trusting, mutuallyrespectful relationships I have with my children. Respect and trust have a boomerangeffect. They come right back at you. As Magda promised, I’ve raised kids I not only love,but “in whose company I love being.”