Politics/Government

In an
exclusive interview with Carrie Water of Fox News, former President
George W. Bush revealed the details of a brief conversation he had
recently with President Barack Obama.

"Basically, I just said
'told you so. The job sucks, don't it?'" said the 42nd U.S.
President.

Former President George W. Bush candidly revealed the contents of his famous note to Obama, warning the new president that his new job blows.

Bush then
revealed what he wrote in his famous note addressed to "43," which
he left on the desk of the Oval Office for Obama.

"I just
laid it all out there," he explained. "I said 'I hate to tell you
this, but this job you just won sucks. It may seem cool right now,
'cus you just got the keys to the nukular weapons and now you know
where the UFOs are, but you're gonna hate this job, and it's gonna
happen faster than you'd ever imagine.'"

Bush said
the he wanted to say something to both John McCain and Obama before
the election, but was...

In a
move hoped to reinvigorate the McCain/Palin campaign, it appears
that the presidential hopeful is back aboard the "Straight Talk
Express."

McCain: "We know you're all a bunch of poorly educated dumbasses, but it's cool, so are we! We can win with a coalition of the unknowing!"

"Fellow
Americans, I know that it has appeared that my campaign has gone a
little wacky lately," said McCain from one of his mansions in
Arizona. "I've been throwing out gimmicks and 'game changers' and
bizarre running-mate picks. And I've been saying just about
anything that might win me some points with the ill-informed
voters, regardless of truth or honesty.

"But
now I'm suspending my campaign of all lies and distractions, my
friends, and I'm going to deliver some honest truth: I'm not a very
bright man ... I was nearly last in my class at the academy ... And
I don't really care that I don't know much about the modern world
... And don't get me started on Sarah Palin--we all know what an
airhead she is," he continued.

Senator John McCain once again found himself on the campaign trail having to refute rumors that he is Irish.

"My rivals are just trying to play off of people's fears and introlerances," noted McCain at a fundraiser held at O'Toole's Tavern in Skokie, Ill. "This is nothing but indirect racism, and I won't stand for it. I've said it a thousand times: I'm not Irish."

Senator John McCain believes that this photo of him traveling to Ireland was circulated by a rival campaign looking to perpetuate the rumor that he is of Irish descent.

While sipping on a coffee with a little Jameson whiskey and Bailey's cream added in for good measure, McCain added that because he has an Irish-sounding name, he's constantly taking "cheap shots" that he is, somehow, actually Irish.

"This is nonsense," he continued. "My American heritage is as clean as a whistle, like a spring. And anyone who says differently can kiss my blarney stone!"

When asked why someone would hint that he might be Irish, McCain explained that it all goes back to terrorism.

"They're trying to paint me as some IRA terrorist--that I'm going to try and bomb the British or something like that," added McCain while shooting darts and eating Shephard's Pie. "They want you to believe that once elected as president, I'd get drunk and swear allegiance to St. Patrick or something.

"It's ridiculous," said McCain defiantly while watching the Boston Celtics on TV. "If I say I'm not Irish, that should be the end of it. But if one more person suggests that I'm Irish, I'm going to challenge that person to a fight in the back parking lot. And I'll kick their arse!"

Billary
Clinton, a junior who hopes to be elected as Steamboat Springs High
School student-body president in 2008, claimed that she is the best
candidate for the position because she "was the only one ready for
ski season on day one."

"I had
my ski boots on. I had my protective helmet on. I was even wearing
long underwear, although that day wasn't very cold, just in case
the weather changed," she noted. "I was out there, waiting for the
gondola, while my fellow candidates were sitting at home, playing
video games. They weren't ready on day one, but I was, so you
should vote for me."

High-school junior Billary Clinton proudly notes that she was the only candidate for student-body president who was ready for opening day of last year's ski season. Unfortunately, the mountain actually opened more than a week later.

Several
students who are running against Clinton noted, however, that the
ski season was delayed last year, so that she was just standing in
line by herself, like a big idiot.

At a
recent press conference, President George W. Bush became angry with
reporters when one of them proposed that the dynamics of his
presidency had changed in its final year.

"Now, I
resent that," Bush began. "I've heard several in the media lately
saying that I've become a 'lame fu%k president.' I have to say that
I strongly disagree with such words.

"Let's
not forget, people, that I used to be quite the partier," he
continued. "I was drinkin' all the time, snortin' coke offa
cheerleaders' tits, runnin' away from the cops ... Does that sound
like things some lame fu&k would do?"

George W. Bush insists that his days as a raging alcoholic and frat boy prevent him from being a "lame fu&k" in the last year of his presidency.

Bush
also noted that it's much more difficult these days to create an
impression of coolness, being president and all, but that he still
tries to "keep it real."