Just a heads up this post is kinda all over the place, kinda like my thoughts. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy it.

Ahhh, feel the brisk chilling breeze that freezes you down to your core. The bright twinkling lights, the sound of carolers. Yep, that’s right it’s the Holiday season and Christmas is only 4 days away. Most people love this time of year. Spending time with their family and friends and significant others. Christmas is suppose to be the most cheerful and jolly time of the year but…. there are many who despise this time of year. usually because its also the most depressing and lonely time of the year if you don’t have people to spend it with.

Christmas is the worst, best, amazing, dreadful and stressful time of the year. Most people nowadays lost the true meaning of Christmas. Christians will say its about celebrating Jesus’s birth. Those who aren’t technical Christians will say its about family and then there are many who make it about gifts.But what about those who have no one to spend the holiday with those who this time of season just lead them into a undeniable depression.

Well today we are going to talk about how horrible this time of year is for people who have no one or those who feel they have no one. About those who’s families are all starting their own families and they aren’t. Just imagine, everyone around you are buying gift for the special people in their lives or planning to spend time with those who love them. While you sit there watching as what is suppose the most cheerful time of the year becomes the most lonely time of the year. You sit alone no plans with anyone, no SO to share your love with. Its a horrible feeling. Or you do have plans with your family but you are the only one who’s life doesn’t seem to be falling into place.

Now with that said me personally I have family and friends that I get to spend Christmas with but this year I was dreading it. Going to my families Christmas just my daughter and I while everyone else had their SO to go with. How was I going to deal with feeling so alone with all my family surrounding me all because I had no SO to share the experience with. Yes it may seem stupid cause I of course have my beautiful daughter but I still feel like the black sheep. My sister is married and has a son, my brother is engaged and has a son on the way and of course my parents have us and each other. Yet here I am….just my daughter and I. It makes you feel some sort of way when your whole family seems to have everything falling in place and they a starting a future for them and their own families while you…well you are single and you aren’t even sure if you’ll ever be married. They all know what their future holds and you? you don’t know what your future holds. there are promises of something working and you being able to start a future but they aren’t set in stone. It seriously makes this time of year dreadful. Cause you don’t want to feel like the odd man out. You don’t want to be the only one who’s life isn’t going smoothly. Yet you are, you are single and everyone else is happily in love. It is a sad and lonely feeling makes you feel like a outcast like you’d just be better sending your child to the get together while you stay home curled up under a blanket till this holiday is over. You feel like you have no one like you have no accomplishments to show for yourself.

But Guess What???? You gotta suck it up put your big girl panties on and suffer through it. One day you wont feel this way one day you wont dread the holiday. So smile, spread some Christmas cheer and if you see someone who looks lonely and sad reach out a helping hand and make them known they are not alone this Holiday Season.

Here we go again drowning in a sea of pain… Feelings im not sure how to expression. Words mean nothing. just a babbling of letters. Lost in the darkness we humans call a heart, breaking my own heart just to see if i can still bleed. Ugh, i hate this feeling it creeps up on you. It sits dormant waiting for you to show your weakness then without warn it crashes down upon you. You wish nothing more than to find a way to escape it. Escape the pain, the loneliness, the darkness that consumes you. You wish you could just be happy like everyone else. So you give into the pain and just let the tears wash away the feelings for the moment until they surface again. Stabbing you like a needle slow sinking deeper and deeper into your skin the slow pain send shivers down your spine. You break down just to build yourself back up even for just a moment. Nothing more than a endless cycle of love, hate,pain. Shadows of happiness that escape you by the tip of your fingers. Its like trying to hold on to your loved ones hand as they hang from a ledge trying to save them and you can slowly slowly feel your fingers slipping. You feel the loss of control you had and with the loss of control your emotions come crashing down. Not piece by little piece it feels more like boulders. The weight of it crushes you and all that you built up is lost when the depression hits.

Now you must decide is it worth building back up or do you just let it smother you?

“Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.” -Wayne W. Dyer

So today I went on some amazing adventures not only physically beautiful and majestic places, but also deep inside my head. While sitting on rocks that stretched out into the middle of this beautiful river I found myself for once at peace. Calm, even with a thousand and one thoughts running through my brain. Somehow even though my mind was racing I was at peace with my surroundings. The water softly hitting the bottom of the rocks. the majestic herrings flying ever so close to the water looking for their next snack. Yet here I sat pondering, wondering why. Why am I here, why is it that no matter what, I can not seem to detach myself from being friends with him.

Let me explain, today I went adventuring….. with one of my exes. I know many are probably thinking why would you do that? Well let me try and help you understand. Him and I have been through hell and back. Half the time we hate each other and cant stand to even speak to each other. We both have put the other through horrible pain, but we both have always been there in the darkest of times. Through the burning of my stuff to me leaving and dating someone else soon after we always seem to make our way back to each other when the other needs a helping hand or a punch to the throat. Now, its a little more complicated to why we act with anger towards each other which I will delve in at a later date. We are like the oddest best friends that hate each other, but love each other at the same time. It’s hard to even explain why we still talk to each other after all that we have been through. Most people would walk away without a care in the world. We aren’t most people. We still go on adventures we still talk occasionally we still both care for each other even if the other doesn’t think we do. I can honestly say some of my most favorite memories were and still are with him. Random trips that are never quite planned right. something always goes a little wrong, but we always seem to fix it and just have a great time. we end up looking back on each adventure and laughing at those little things that got messed up.

Yes, we don’t get along some of the time. Yes, he is crazy. We call each other names and shout at one another or just tell the other to go to hell or leave me the fuck alone. Yes we fight, a lot. Yet if the other one needs a ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or to just get away from the everyday busy life we are there for each other. He is one of my best friends someone I know no matter what happens I can count on. That is exactly how we ended up sitting on a rock in the middle of a river.

This is me to the T. My relationship with relationships is I have grown to dislike relationships. It seems like I have been in one since high school with very little breaks in between. There are 3 major ones for me that have taught a alot, but also showed me I am not a relationship person, I suck at them. I’ll give you short backgrounds on these relationships. I will go deeper into them at a later time.

Age 17-23. Yes, i was in a long ass relationship. Engaged, had a child was the person I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. Well, it didn’t work out like that. From that relationship I learned a lot and got the best gift a person could ask for. My beautiful daughter, who I love to death and would do anything for. At the time I thought he was my future, my life, but things didn’t work out. It was that blissful lovey dovey shit everyone dreams of for the first couple years. yeah we had rough patches but we worked through them. things changed, though we both stopped trying to stop doing what we both should have been doing. I to this day can’t tell you exactly what went wrong or when it all started to go down hill. It’s like one day we just turn the page and everything in our story just started falling apart. So long story short, after 6 years he left and got married a year or so later. He is happy which I am glad for him that he found someone.

Second major relationship, lasted 6 months. we had amazing fun. went on adventures, just hung out and went amazingly well together. then there came the time where things just started getting to the point of always nit picking. what kinda car I liked what music I was listening to. Like everything I liked wasn’t the right thing to like cause it wasn’t what he did. I started to feel very controlled and lonely. Like I couldn’t have my own opinion. So I broke it off and he burnt my shit. But again, I will go into more detail in another blog post.

Last relationship, what to say about this one. half the time I cant tell whether it was all a lie or if this person ever actually cared. I was cheated on 3 times (that i know of) during the course of 3 months. So many bullshit fairy tales were put into my head that I forgave him when I found out about the first 2. The last time was the last straw for me. I gave up, I was done with playing the games being hurt and lied to.

So yeah, I just don’t like being in relationships. I’m just not good at them. They always tend to get fucked up in the end. They become so stressful and draining. Not what you wanted and then someone always ends up getting hurt. So this picture is me to the T. I don’t want a relationship. I want a ride or die. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a hopeless romantic I want to be swept off my feet. I love being in love, but at the same time I despise it. I guess you can say Love and I have a Love Hate relationship.