Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Now that Stuart's memorial week of honor is over, I can begin posting craptacular crap once again! Back to Japan we go. It's funner there!

Them Jap-o-knees are serious about their Ultraman. I guess he's like our Mickey Mouse, 'cept he cuts monsters in half, yells "SHUWATCH!" , then leaps into the sky leaving us to clean up all the goo. IE, way cooler.

I found these the other day while checking links on some chemistry article I was producing here at the workplace. I'm not even sure which Ultraman this is. Maybe an updated version. I lose track. He's super serious about windpower and fruits and some little boxy thing. I'm just glad he's busy with a project. It may keep him and his family from hucking our asses into space like he did with that one critter who came to life after some jerk kid wished it into reality. You know the one.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

It's a sad day here at the Placemat. I just spent a busy day under a bleak sky and in the bitter cold. It was fulla stuffing bunches of well stacked boxes into a U-haul, followed by the winching of a worn white VW fitted with a sweet black car bra onto a trailer. I never wanted it to happen, but things must go forward!

Today, one of the biggest Placemaniacs of all time has officially packed up and hit the road for the great Northwest. That's right, Stu Spengy is no longer a part of the eastern seaboard. Those who've spent some time with this obtuse son of a bitch, know what we've lost. And those of you who haven't experienced the man and his full-on sideways, yet sound, logic are truly poorer for not having been subject to its rigors.

I wish the master of the corpse face, stacking shit, face-folding, spelling, ridiculous metal knowledge, mad modeling and painting skillz, as well as a giant in the realms of potato salad eating could live in my vicinity forever, but people gots to do what they needs ta do. So wish the boy luck as he heads West and infects Privateer with is brand of weirdness.

But he's not gone forever. No sir, not with the internetz! Be sure to stop by FACE DESTRUCTION SUICIDE and read about his adventures in apartment living without an oven. (how will the Red Baron pizza company stay in business?) I'm sure he'll deliver plenty of retarded stuff for folks to read.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Here's why George Washington would not save the British children. No, not the British children. (ref. 1238903387) This brilliant child of the British isles, shown mid-chair blast below, has produced an epic tale of love, loss, and redemption over three powerful YouTube videos.

I present them here now, seeing as the mainstream media has yet again ignored the plea of the underground filmmaker. It's sad really. He's such the perfect gentleman, only requesting that you "Watch and enjoy". (It's all I could decipher from his mush-mouth jabber-speak) I'm sure that you will.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Despite the Snuggie campaign reaching a fever pitch in my junkmail zone, there's still plenty of other crap that makes its way in there. Here's today's big money grab. Generic fill in the blank pieces of paper!

Bah Humbug. (the Dickens meaning)

ONLY TEN BUCKS A THROW!AUTHENTIC NORTH POLE STAMP!(Up to Dec 9th. Still charges you though. Small print central.)GENERIC SHIT!WIN FOR THE KIDZ!30 BUCKS GETS YOU...AN EXTRA PIECE OF PAPER!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Deviant Cyborg Life Model Decoy Unit Code Name: L.O.B.O.T. pointed out this swell commercial from Japan after some big Injun dude started a thing on Japanese Fanta commercials. All in all a win for the community as a whole. So I stole it and am sharing. It's some sorta exercise thing, but we all know what it's really for... Duhzers, it's fer watching TV movie action films about riding horses whole riding a rhythmic fake pulsating robotic horse thing in your cramped, yet private Tokyo apartment! The telltale loose junk janglin' in some scenes is quite hypnotic. BEWARE THE RODEO BOY II.

PS The thing was unembeddable, so deal with the links bitches!PPS Ten Million Placemat Points (redeemable only at midnight on the 8th day of the week on the 32nd of a month at a spot of my choosing) if you can place the theme song dancing around in my head from which the title of this post came from.

Friday, December 12, 2008

An amazing and titanic feat has occurred without many even knowing it. Sneaky and stealthily, furry bandits have taken over the electric wires of the world. Yes, the internet is full of cats. More so than porn it turns out. I didn't think it could be done, but it has. Pr0n has been dethroned. Just look at the swell pie chart I made today whilst fooling around with Illustrator. It's well researched and scientific. Look at the colors man!

Cats are everywhere and in everything on the intertubes: videos, commercials, flash ads, humor sites, images, urls, servers - everywhere. Theyre riding Roomba robots, shedding, meowing, jumping, yelling, rolling around, in slow motion, sleeping, leaping, in the ceiling, and on the prowl. You can also wear cats on a daily basis on any type of clothing you desire.

This startling discovery became apparent just this week. At a nerd gathering, I was quietly painting some nerdy nerd models. I hear this grating noise coming from some guy's iphone and it turns out to be a YouTube video featuring some horrible yeowing feline - named Burger and Fries. Said video brought forth a fit of laughter from one JPS and made his face red.

I figured it was worth a look. And look I did. There are so many internet cat treasures out there that it would take a lifetime to plumb them all from the depths of the webs. I had to stop myself after the bounty I bring you today because the list was just getting ridiculous. With formal introductions out of the way, I present:

CATMAGEDDON! or INTERNET ADVENTURES WITH CATZZ.

The cat that started my voyage. "Happy birthday! I adopted a cat for you, my worst enemy whom I hate dearly."

This lady bought a digital camera to...talk to her fucking cat.

One of the better cat gems that will sadly fade into history sooner than later. Rap Cat.

Slap this bad boy on and you'll never be teased at school. Home school that is. No wait, you'll get made fun of there too. Here's the dope store where you can purchase it. (and many other nightmare items.)

Animals love to play dress up. Almost as much as their therapy needing owners. Please don't do this to your pet. It should be a form of prosecutable molestation. Check this page for more terror.

Sweater thing from the finest web design I stumbled upon during my searches. Fail only begins to describe it's poor execution.

Dead cats abound on the internets. Mostly stuffed visages of horror that stain the minds of visiting nieces and nephews until their early 30's. No one has answer this wiki question yet, perhaps you can help them out.

This was apparently some sort of real deal thing back in the day (50's?) that some wackjob recreated and then got a vanity plate to bring it all together. I can barely read the article through the tears.

Finally, I leave you with the lord and king of all cat insanity if you ask me. Neuticles. I know what I'm getting a special lady for Christmas. A necklace of cat balls.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Having just trudged through some cold shitty rain (Gooood luck Stuart!) on a night which I figured it wouldn't be all that bad out (only to be being proven dead wrong by the barrage of tards and their piss pooooor umbrella usage, cars driving through 4 inch deep drainage back ups on street corners, getting kicked off a broken down train on an exposed platform of course, the soaking of my book through my crummy computer bag [good thing I leave the computer at work] and under dressing in general due to the falsehood of yesterday's 60 degree weather still playing in my head) I'm feeling a bit chill.

So I hit the internet for warmth. Hotmail especially. (See it's hot!) Whilst checking through the always amusing junkmail, I discovered that the market for Snuggie penetration is now TOTAL. What, you don't know what a Snuggie is? Deviant Cyborg Unit, Designation: LOBOT hipped me to this sweet "As seen on TV item" one day afew weeks back. Basically, it's a blanket with arms. Because blanket technology has failed us a species thus far. So you can read in total comfort! Cook in total comfort! Use your laptop without being in a non-state of total comfort! Have session on the Thunder Bucket in total comfort! Etc!

First I got the link from the 'bot in an email. Then I checked out the site. Ha ha, funny stuff. Then every morning I'd see an ad on CNN or FOX and Friends about the things. Act now get two for the price of one! Occasionally I'd see a flash ad for Snuggies while looking up Danish Coffee fetish porn at work. Now, finally, the good folks at Snuggie HQ have penetrated my junk mail. And yes, I clicked "show all content". I guess I have to go buy one or five now.

For what it's worth, the TV commercial is awesome because there is a quick bit that's not on the website that shows the Snuggie family outside surrounding an open fire pit, decked out in red Snuggies. Straight up Pagan cultist style. Awesome. Ozzy would be proud.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Is it really too much to ask today's super hacker computer whiz geek folk out there to make an original Oregon Trail app (none of that OT 2, 3, 4, or 5 crap or the newer mobile phone version) which can easily be played on my stupid ipod touch? I'm not talking some jailbroken only homebrew hack that only works on the every 3rd day of the month if Jupiter is in the sky and I gain the ability to never update my firmware or else it'll crush the basement made hack and everything on the ipod. I'm talking about a dumb ol' download which does the deed and brings me the handheld joy I so crave. Is it really asking for the world? And while I'm waiting, how about making it so that the online emulator works for a goddamn Mac. C'mon now. Seriously, it's getting ridiculous.

You're 8, you've only got 30 cents (in pennies and a nickel) for the ice cream man. So when you ask for the fakie lolipop up on the shelf behind him (cost: $.20) as a distraction, what do you steal from the cooler up front?

If you were in chanrge of the NFL and were a crazyperson, which item would you force everyone to play football with?