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PM Abbott 2016: how much can a koala bear?

Austen Tayshus

"It seemed that every club I joined on campus ... the president was Tony Abbott". Photo: Supplied

Australia, May 2016. The Coalition has been in government for three years. Cardinal Tony Abbott is Prime Minister and honorary Archbishop of Warringah.

Malcolm Turnbull, bleeding-heart liberal and no-longer-just-suspected-communist, is the leader of the Labor Party. Julia Gillard has left politics and married Tim Mathieson, who turned out not to be gay. They have adopted two Indonesian orphans. Julia works as a speechwriter/janitor for the new AWU. Julie Bishop has also left politics and become an ophthalmologist. Joe Hockey is Treasurer and weighs 400 kilos. Barnaby Joyce is deputy prime minister and John Howard (not the actor) is governor-general. George Pell has been arrested for vote tampering in the recent papal election. Journalist David Marr received a life sentence for treason for his Quarterly Essay, Political Animal: The Making of Tony Abbott. He is interred in Gulag 17 on Christmas Island.

Work Choices has made a big comeback. Now known as Work Choice - Or Else. The carbon and mining taxes are now administered by Hancock Prospecting Pty Ltd. The rich are getting richer and the boats just keep coming. Nauru is home to 500,000 refugees, who live in the most appalling conditions known to man or David Marr. Nobody seems to care.

Animosity between the Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition has escalated to open violence, with Turnbull's witty repartee proving no match for Abbott's devastating left-right combinations. It's just like the old days.

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You see, I was at university with Tony Abbott in the 1970s. This was before he became a surf lifesaver, theologian, skydiver, botanist, volunteer firefighter, bouncer, cardiologist, and newsagent. It seemed that every club I joined on campus, whether it was the photography club or the chess society, or even the sewing club, the president was Tony Abbott. Nobody else ever got a chance at the top job. Abbott was always elected unopposed. I remember him punching walls when he didn't get his way … or when he did. Etched in my mind is the time he became president of the Bare Knuckle Boxing and Ayn Rand Appreciation Society. I can never forget watching TA shadowbox while reciting Rand's love poetry. (OK, I'm joking about all that except the bit about the fact we were both at Sydney University in the 1970s.)

In 2010, I stood against him in the seat of Warringah as a candidate for the Australian Sex Party. He seemed to be deeply concerned that I had drawn No.1 on the ballot paper. Silly old Tone, he needn't have worried. In the end, I was badly beaten. I also lost the election.

Renowned for his not-up-to-date attitudes towards homosexuality, Abbott regards marriage between a man and a woman to be the only true test of unhappiness. It seems to me, that even if your religion forbids it, the inevitability of gay marriage is something all politicians need to consider. It's going to happen no matter what Pope Schwarzenegger says. The inflexibility of the conservative mindset on this and other issues should have been a good indicator of how they would govern. When Turnbull gets out of hospital from the right hook injury inflicted by Abbott, I hope he continues to fight for gay rights.

In the 1980s, when the Bjelke-Petersen regime reigned supreme in Queensland, I was arrested with other comedians for using ''obscene language in a public place''. To wit: I was charged and convicted many times. One magistrate labelled my act ''the filthy, disgusting ravings of a mindless and depraved human being''. This in a state where almost all the politicians were later found to be corrupt. My crime? Swearing. My real crime? Satirising conservative zealots. Geez, it's like I was David Marr or something.

This used to be the Lucky Country. We had everything, including an open-minded attitude and an enviable indifference to xenophobia. Janitor Gillard made mistakes, but she had the interest of the working class at heart. She was for better education, and I've even heard it said that she thought that some children could attain employment outside of the mining industry. Boy, that seems a faraway, dirty communist dream now in 2016.

Under a Coalition government we have returned to the dullness and the responsibility of the Howard model. Business trumps society and public statues of B.A. Santamaria now outnumber gum trees. Prime Minister Rabbit has blended into the beige background of his parliamentary offices. Campbell Newman's Queensland government looks positively socialist by comparison. Lovers of the arts and opponents of xenophobia and social injustice are throwing themselves off cliffs, or are being pushed. I myself have applied to operate one of the new Australian Customs and Border Protection's Muslim Detector Vans. It's not comedy, but it's a living.

Comedian Austen Tayshus (Sandy Gutman) is performing this month as part of his 30th Anniversary of Australiana National Tour.

Paul Sheehan is on leave.

93 comments

A priceless and somewhat scary portent of things to come - or just a brilliant insight into the madness that is politics down under...well done Austen - you've still got it!

Commenter

whatsup?

Date and time

April 18, 2013, 9:33AM

I think he's being far too optimistic about the prospects of a government led by this...fellow...

Commenter

Redsaunas

Date and time

April 18, 2013, 10:43AM

This would be even funnier if it wasn't so realistic....embrace the future peeps.

Commenter

timBob

Location

Bra

Date and time

April 18, 2013, 2:47PM

We wondered at the US could be so dumb an elect "W" Bush.Well Abbott's had the easiest ride in history, despite the dumbest policies (where he announces them), silliest stunts and Australia having the best economic fundamentals in the OECD the MSM and Murdoch News have given him the magic carpet ride into the lodge.The bad polls for the ALP result in panic and division making things worse for them.Well Tayshus the LNP are very suspicious of arty, progressive enlightened types.I think they'll get Campbell Newman into the HOR to me Minister of the Arts.

Commenter

Tadd

Location

NSW

Date and time

April 18, 2013, 3:12PM

Of course truth is always stranger than fiction and the ruling classes always believe that they can control the extremists that they promote and sponsor into power.History shows that the manipulators like the Murdochs and people like Clive Palmer often end up losing control of apparently obedient puppets like Abbott once those puppets seize power.The Junkers, that is the Prussian nobility, thought that they could control Hitler yet when he was appointed Chancellor, he immediatly rounded up his opponents, incarcerated them in concentration camps, instituted a reign of terror and started a major war. In the end, the nobility lost their titles, land and wealth.After the English Civil War, Parliament thought that it could control Cromwell, the commander of the Parlimentary army yet he ended up sending his soliders into the Parliament, expelled the members and then took over as a dictator called the Lord Protector until he died.Similarly, Julius Caesar used armed force to take over the Roman Republic and following his assasination, Octavian took over as Emperor.The wealthy sponsors of Abbott and his followers evidently think that they will be able to manipulate what will be an extremist government controlled by Abbott and Barnaby Joyce.However it may be that they will be sorely disappointed and if Abbott leads the country into economic and political disaster, as is likely, they may also lose their wealth and influence and even their liberty and lives.History is often repeated.

Commenter

SteveB

Location

Sydney

Date and time

April 18, 2013, 7:03PM

This article could have been absolutely knee slappingly hilarious if it had contained stuff about culling poor people. Actually, all political discourse in this country should contain more of that. I hear Tony does a great stand up routine alongside the surf lifesaving and firefighting. He has them rolling in the aisles at question time.

Commenter

S K

Date and time

April 19, 2013, 12:19AM

Thanks for lightening the mood Austen.... It will be a dark dark day for Australia when/if Tony Abbott is made PM..... I think i will deny im Australian if i travel overseas..... Any suggestions on what nationality i could claim to be??

Commenter

Markus

Location

Gulag15

Date and time

April 19, 2013, 2:36PM

Thanks for the humorous read Mr Tayshus! I would of laughed harder but too much of what you wrote is too close to reality to laugh at.

Commenter

QED

Date and time

April 18, 2013, 9:36AM

Yes - and sadly the rest of the western world will be laughing at Australia if we elect him as PM.

Commenter

MG2

Date and time

April 18, 2013, 2:27PM

Ah, I think you have a career as a political satirst Mr G as long as you stay out of the way of Mr. Rabbit (and maybe David Marr too).Pope Schwazernegger, indeed!