The U.S.
Federal Reserve – in response to President Barack Obama’s 5,001st desperate Executive
Order to save the U.S. from its current Economic Depression -- decided late
last night to replace America’s failing U.S. paper currency with 500
trillion dollars worth of everybody’s favorite flavors of new Scratch ‘N
Sniff paper currency. From now on, all U.S. paper money, which includes 1,
5, 10, 20, 50, 100, and 1,000-denomination dollar bills will be issued as
Scratch ‘N Sniff flavors in order to speed up the financial transactions for
America’s math-challenged citizens.

"Americans
are having trouble making calculations with the rapidly inflating prices of
commodities occurring at retail stores all across America," said Federal
Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke. "We just want to help them out."

The new
Act, written by lobbyists from Fruity Flavors R Us, the Trial Lawyers
Association of America, and the Printers’ Union, was passed by
both houses of Congress in an invisible earmark attached to President Obama’s $1.3
trillion National Health Care Bill.

Each
denomination of the new paper currency has been assigned its unique flavor
by a secret chemical injection process known only by U.S. Treasury Secretary
Timothy Geithner, President Obama, and a handful of hungry 7th
graders working with Top Secret Crypto Noses Only security clearances in the
basement of the New York Federal Reserve.

The new
Scratch ‘N Sniff Monetary Act of 2009 specifies compliance as a two-step
process: (1) each paper denomination will be injected with a unique flavor
while retaining the original numerical values still printed on each bill,
and (2) after a one year probationary period of Scratch ‘N Sniff exercises
conducted by member banks of the Federal Reserve, including Goldman Sachs,
JP Morgan, CitiGroup, Bank of America, and the International Monetary Fund –
if they are still solvent -- all future U.S. paper money will thereafter
omit mathematical symbols and rely solely on each individual’s Scratch ‘N
Sniff nose to detect and calculate the correct amount to pay for their
groceries and all other exchanges in the market. Plus make the correct
change.

Scratch ‘N
Sniff official government flavors and appropriate fruity pictorials will be
attached to the following denominations:

A $1.00 bill
smells like Lemon.
A $5.00 bill smells like Cherry.
A $10.00 bill smells like Chocolate.
A $20.00 bill smells like Peppermint.
A $50.00 bill smells like Banana.
A $100.00 bill smells like kilo of Marijuana.
A $1,000.00 bill smells like crack Cocaine.

“The
math-challenged dummies from America’s public education system will now be
able to quickly snort their way through complicated economic transactions at
their hair dressers and liquor stores without looking like complete Bozos,” explained Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV),
who co-sponsored
the new Scratch ‘N Sniff Monetary Act with the CEOs of Toys R Us and
Wriggly's Gum. “Since reading and math are not our
American children’s strong suits, it’s time to dumb down our paper money by issuing
friendly smelling currency. Chocolate Tens are my personal favorite
but then I like to occasionally scratch and snort, make that sniff, a
Thousand Dollar Bill for recreational reasons on the weekend,” added Senator
Reid.

“That’s
right,” added President Barack Obama. “The law is blind, and now so is our
currency, as we strip all the numbers and alphabet characters off our paper
money to allow everyone to sniff their way through two Lemons plus three
Lemons equal a Cherry, two Cherries equal a Chocolate, two Chocolates or
four Cherries equal a Peppermint, and two Peppermints plus a Chocolate
equal, of course, a Banana. Ten Joints of Mary Jane, however, will equal
one Nose Candy and be subject to scrutiny by the DEA.”

U.S. House
Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said, “After the switch to Scratch ‘N
Sniff paper money, we can change our outdated Cupronickel coins to
beautifully-carved wooden nickels and other denomination coins with popular
built-in flavors. I’m introducing a new Chomp ‘N Taste Wooden Nickel Act
next week,” added Pelosi as she toked on a previous $100 Benjamin Franklin.

Wooden
nickel Co-sponsors Boise Cascade and Weyerhaueser Lumber Companies agreed to
supply the base wood for America’s new wooden nickels and other coinage at
dirt-cheap subsidized rates in exchange for being allowed to de-forest all
the redwood and pine trees in America’s United States Park System.

Proposed
flavors for the new Chomp ‘N Taste wooden coins are:

A 1-cent
wooden coin, a penny, will taste like vanilla.
A 5-cent wooden coin, a nickel, will taste like coffee.
A 10-cent wooden coin, a dime, will taste like grape.
A 25-cent wooden coin, a quarter, will taste like apple strudel.
A 50-cent wooden coin, a half dollar, will taste like Peach Flambé with
Amaretto.
A 100-cent wooden coin, a fake silver dollar, will taste like Cherries
Jubilee.

“All
wooden coins will carry the new motto, ‘In Wood We Trust’ on the obverse
side and ‘Bite Me’ on the back,” said Federal Reserve Chairman ‘Helicopter’
Ben Bernanke. “Any relationship between the ratio of precious metals such
as gold, silver, or platinum in each denomination of U.S. coins has long
since gone the way of the dinosaur,” he added.

“Excuse
me,” asked little Tommy Johnson, a 12-year old student from Mrs. Smith’s 7th
Grade math class at James Madison Elementary School # 787 in New Jersey,
“what’s the flavor of the $640 Trillion Dollar deficit already created by our
central bank, the private Federal Reserve, when they printed up ten tons of
Trillion Dollar T-Bills out of thin air?”

“I think
that would be the flavor of one hand clapping,” answered U.S. Treasury
Secretary Timothy Geithner, sniffing a paper Lemon. – FM Duck