new years eve

Another year is about to pass. the ball is about to drop in times square. there is a lot of happiness, excitement and all that nice stuff upon reflection of the past year- but it is all tinged with a sense of sadness, bittersweet and anxious about the gradual, relentless passing of time and what that entails.

We were going to go to times square tonight and do the countdown, really get into the spirit of things. However, after all the bomb scares this year in NYC (penn station, port authority) and from living downtown so close to the 9/11 site, it seems more about safety than the novelty of ringing in the new year with some random strangers and police.

On ABC news its only 5.30pm but the area is already in lockdown, which police and bomb squads checking bags and making sure nothing unscrupulous goes on. it’s kind of exciting in itself to witness on the screen. Mariah Carey will be there, as will be Ryan Seacrest and Nick Jonas and Camila Cabello.

I am just glad and so grateful to be spending this time right now with my family- mom dad and Agne. Nothing better than that. After the plane incident, which I unfortunately think about almost twice a day everyday, i feel like there has been a fundamental shift in my person, from what my goals are, and what my hobbies are, and even dare i say my entire personality.

Yesterday A came to new york city from Manhasset to hang out for an afternoon. it was nice; however, we both got really tired really quickly for some reason. We went to H&M and some other shops and walked around a bit downtown and then went to get Ramen from and also bubble tea. she got a caramel one, and I got a taro one. the bubble tea was so yummy. I hope to try the caramel one someday.

Should I get a subscription to Popular Science? or some other reputable scientific publication that is not too obscure for me to understand? again it goes back to the plane incident. i feel like the event itself was, from the outside, not that significant objectively; yet the meaning that i feel i’d derived from that experience was pivotal. anything to do with the meaning of our existence, temporality, existentialism and any kind of biologically based life extension method, or, dare i say, immortality method is so fascinating to me.

I really understand the meaning of academic curiosity now. of passion, and of meaning in learning. and, on the negative side, a morbid kind of pressure and urgency to figure it all out, or find some kind of calming closure before the inevitable end.

I’m seriously considering dropping out of my economics class, or one of my language classes, and enrolling in a philosophy class. theres one on existentialism that seems pretty interesting and up my alley, and may possibly assuage some of this crippling anxiety i have. plus on a brighter note maybe my unhealthy fascination with this topic will spur me to study without the usual pain i feel when having to study. maybe for the first time ever ill be able to feel that sense of academic fervor and accomplishment that is always touted as the result of rigorous liberal education.

I’m getting a cat tomorrow. I’m pretty excited about that. it means that ill have to take some form of subway or path train or some kind of public transport, which is horribly terrifying and anxiety inducing (ever since the plane incident).

I went shopping for a bit today with my family. we first went to the bank to get a new debit card for me. when my mom was trying to open her own account the day before yesterday we lost my debit card at that store and didn’t realize that until yesterday. so problem all solved!

I also feel like I need to do more exercise! I will make a commitment that in the new year to try and exercise at least once everyday and eat healthier. more importantly, i will try to cut back on sugars and fried food and try to eat more greens. at least once a day.

I’m watching Titanic right now with my dad. it’s a very precious time and event. treasure it always and never forget. its such a joyous time but also very bittersweet. or maybe I’m morbid. maybe ill stop being afraid of the void and of emptiness after thinking about these things in a while. or maybe cryogenics will advance or there will turn out to be the existence of a soul after physical death. you never know.

there’s nothing but to look forward with optimism and enjoy it while it lasts 🙂