So after two articles talked about how Ali Noor and Ali Zafar are Pakistani celebrity bloggers, I decided to check out their blogs. Please note that these articles also included me, so WOOHOO I am a CELEBRITY, GIRLS WHO IGNORED ME IN SCHOOL CAN SUCK IT.

Anyway, so I was a little tickled to find that Ali Zafar had a blog post titled "My First Meeting With Celebs: Encounters". Sound familiar? You will recall that a while back I had written a post called “My Celebrity Encounters” where I talked about meeting famous people in the industry. Which leads me to hypothesize that Ali Zafar is reading my blog and hungrily waiting for my next blog post idea to steal. Aha! Caught you Ali Zafar! Now I shall blackmail you. Or at least start ridiculous rumours about you.

Here's a few.

Ali Zafar once performed at the annual Horse and Cattle Show in Lahore. He was not singing.

Ali Zafar was once arrested for drunkenly showing up at a McDonalds and loudly declaring that he was “not lovin' it”.

Ali Zafar has tiny Telenor logos on his chuddees.

Ali Zafar had a passionate affair with Meera but she broke it off after she realized that she had confused him with Arif Lohar. Needless to say she was looking for the wrong “chimta”.

Truth be told, I can appreciate Ali's blog. It's down to earth and informative. I'm sure it must be a thrill for his legions of fans. So I'm not going to be petty and take shots at his writing, or his poetry, although...dude, this poem for Benazir that he wrote made me cringe. Other than that. Good show Ali Zafar. You have my approval. I declare a ceasefire on the next silly Telenor commercials you do.

Ali Noor is blogging too. Being a bonafide Noori fan, I really enjoyed reading his blog, and I love how honest he is. It's a real insight into his head and his way of thinking. Definitely a good read.

Compared to these guys, I feel a little silly. Here we have Ali Noor blogging about the birth of his child (congratulations brother!) and Ali Zafar praying for the world. And on the other hand you have me, devoting an entire post on how to say “goat-*-**-**-**-*er”.

Well … I had been thinking for days about what to write but was “ inspiration-less “ . Just now in an attempt to (yet again ) fix my routine and staying up all night all day so I can crash early tonight , I was in constant effort to keep myself entertained in a country that is without power 60 % of the time . As I surfed the net , I found the following link title interesting and so clicked on it .

The guy is hilarious. I’ve never had more fun in reading humorous comments written about me , especially the part where he innovates fake rumors about me . I am in fits ! This is so much more creative than the same old boring ones like“ Oh you know he came to me at a party and I said No “ OR ‘ He promised my friend to marry her and then ditched her “ or “ Hey I know he’s gay ! I’ve seen him .“ Come on . Refresh . Come up with some new ideas . And guys, if you like a chick who has a soft spot for me , telling her I’m gay might seem out of fashion to her if she’s a cool chick coz its been done to death . Make up something more intelligent and suave and if that still doesn’t work I promise I’ll go upto her myself and give her flowers from you and tell her “ Baby … trust me he has bigger biceps than me and he’ll take better care of you . “

Coming back to the “Aunty Disco Project” . I remember back in college when an excited friend would come share his story about an aunty he’s scored with who shall now buy him presents in return of his” courageous acts” and jobs of“ human welfare “ i.e making people happy and even euphoric at times . The name reminds me of that . Great name guys …. Although I swear this is the first time I went to your page and I did not copy your celebrity encounter idea . May be crashed minds think alike . However if you still think otherwise I’m willing to pay the royalties J lets jam when u guys r here in Lahore . I recently had a jam session at my place . Would’ve loved to have u guys over if you guys were here and I will definitely go on line and listen to more of your music . Any personal favourites ?

And coming to that jam session with all the rock stars , I would like to thank Atif , Goher , Ali Noor, Ali Hamza ,Zeb, Hanya , Sikander Mufty , Irfan Kiani , Meekal Hasan , Farhad Hamayun , Shiraz Uppal , Kiran and Adnan from Caramel and all my friends who showed up that night to make it a smashing party and one of the most memorable nights of my life . I just thought that in these times when everything seems to be falling apart atleast music should be in contact and musicians united ! I felt the love and hope all you guys did too.

I just hope and pray that people in power also understand that it’s always advisable to do the ‘RIGHT THING “ without over- thinking the consequences ! Just do it and everything shall mould itself in favour with time . Your name shall be engraved in history as a hero and people will love you forever . Something money can never buy .

So there you have it. Ali Zafar is totally reading my blog. And apparently the name of my band reminds him of the time when him and his buddies used to chloroform some older women and bone the shit out of them.

Now I was hoping that he would take the bait and start a Kanye West / 50 cent style feud, but he was all gracious and shit and invited us over to his house for a jam whenever we're in town.

OH REALLY ALI ZAFAR.

Well as it turns out I was IN Lahore when you had this so called awesome jam with all your rockstar buddies. We got NO CALL for jam...

And to further twist the knife, it turns out Ali Noor attended it. Which means that Ali Noor totally LIED to us when he told us he was gonna come see us perform at our Nandos show. So there you have it folks. Ali Noor blew off Aunty Disco Project for party at Ali Zafars. Your loss Ali Noor! I hear the chicken was totally dee-lish.

So now I'm feuding with both the blogging Ali's from Lahore. When they come to Karachi, I will organize a massive jam with all my buddies. And I won't invite Ali Noor or Ali Zafar. That's right! All the cool people will be there including the below mentioned;

As many of you have been following, Ali Zafar and I have been feuding over the internet for the past couple of months or so, creating an epic battle of Kanye vs 50 Cent proportions. By feud I mean I have been posting ridiculous rumours about him and he has been well..pretty nice actually.

But all this was about to change.

I was in Lahore this past weekend for a friends wedding and on my flight back to Karachi, who should I encounter at the departure gate? None other than my nemesis

Ali

The

Zafar.

How it happened:

Upon seeing Ali Zafar I shouted..."Yo! Choot ass! I hear you been talking shit about me?!"

Ali Zafar then responded "Aunty Disco Bitch! I am going to rape you!"

I dropped my luggage and then ran towards him, while he dropped his teddy bear and hustled towards me delicately on his tippy toes. Face to face, we angrily confronted each other.

Ali Zafar: "Before this day is over, I am going to make you taste my wrath"
Me: "Before this day is over, I am going to make you taste my balls".

Then I wrestled him to the ground and beat him with my shoe while airport security cheered on.

How it really happened:

I was sitting at the departure gate when I saw a dude with a guitar case briskly walking towards the boarding are, and recognised him as Ali Zafar. Ali turned around and looked at me, and kinda cocked his head to the side and gave me a look of recognition. Then I got up to meet him, feeling slightly awkward, keeping in mind that I had previously accused him of several different types of STD's in my blog. So I walked up to him and gave him a man-hug then he looked at me and sincerely asked, "Why you got a problem with me bro?"

To which I sheepishly replied, "I dunno, I guess cuz' I thought you had a problem with me"
Ali looked hurt and said, "No man, why would I have a problem with you? I love you man..."

I smiled back, and choking back tears said "I love you too...man!"

Then we embraced in a passionate lip-lock and fell the to ground while airport security cheered on.

OK OK...so this is what really happened

So Ali and I met at the airport departure lounge and I gotta say, the guy is a complete gentleman. He was on his way to Karachi for Coke Studio and seemed genuinely excited about the whole thing. He mentioned that he'd heard our stuff and was really encouraging telling me to stick with it, because we'd all been through rejections and bad recordings. I really appreciated it and he really made me feel like I was part of this music industry fraternity.

It is also worth mentioning that I ran into Ali Noor the same weekend at a restaurant ( I guess Lahore really is pretty tiny) and he too was really encouraging and welcoming and seemed genuinely interested in what was going on with ADP. I know I've got a long way to go before I get to the level of these guys, but it was really nice to be acknowledged by people you look up to.

Both Ali Noor and Zafar are coming to Karachi to be a part of Coke Studio, along with our friends Zeb and Haniya. I guess I'm over my dissappointment at not making it this time, but I wish them all the best time in my city and I really am looking forward to seeing how it turns out. It sounds crazy exciting.

Does this mean I have to stop posting rumours about Ali Zafar on my blog? Well I thought about this, I don't think he'll mind, he's been an awfully good sport about this fake feud so far. But it is always going to be a little awkward meeting a guy who you have accused of sexual deviation on a public forum.