Wednesday, September 28, 2011

this is shit, volume 1

We're gonna try something a little different here, this HUMP DAY. Truth is, I'm unemployed, a failure, and really have no direction. My wife is a beautiful, very intelligent scientist, married to a complete shithead on a downward spiral.

I even totally forgot about her birthday on Sunday. Haha just kidding, of course I didn't!

With that said, instead of trying to find that extra HUMP to PUMP us up through the rest of the week, let's wallow in my shittiness. Let's see if I can bring you down with me. Cause I don't really have a "rest of the week" that needs PUMPING through. My weekends blur into Monday, and then Tuesday, and then Wednesday, and all of a sudden it's Friday.

Though being unemployed is kind of a PUMP in and of itself, and the unexpected vacation is very much welcome, there's still that shadow of failure hanging over my head.

So I present to you the anti-PUMP: this is shit, volume 1

Our first example of shit - pure, complete and utter - comes from a one John Coltrane. Have I ever heard anything more from Mr. Coltrane past the ten minutes of overly rambunctious jazzshit heard below?

No. And I can live with that.

The rest of his catalog could be faithful Maroon 5 covers of the best songs they've done and I'd still think it was shit. Fact is, I just don't like jazz. And I don't think anybody really does. Yeah, people say they do, but that's out of some intrinsic need to impress people, not to convey genuine appreciation of an unspeakably stale genre of music.

What makes this so completely, utterly, and purely shit?

A lot of things actually. About 17, to be exact.

Take 17 different brassholes, tell them to play that horrible new solo they've been working on, and record it for ten minutes. Then somewhere around 3:15, they actually recorded Canadian geese honking just out of time with some dickhead's warbling trumpet. I hate nature so much.

Off the top of my head, I don't think I could name anybody that I personally know that is a John Coltrane fan, not that their status or level of Coltrane-fandom is something I often discuss with friends and family or anything.

But luckily a quick Google search of "fans of John Coltrane" did yield a telling glimpse of an average Coltrane fan.

Compelling evidence for a check mark on the side of shit indeed.

And the final reason why this is shit is...while writing this up, I played the entire ten minute clip and actually started to not mind it at the end.

other awesome blogs

the counter

where you from, shawtie?

tall man on the loose in tampa area

True story, there is a tall man terrorizing the Tampa area. This weirdo usually hangs out around parks, trying to find pick-up games of basketball - during which, he will grab the ball and maneuver around so that you come into contact with his stinky, naughty bits.

Truly an unpleasant experience.

His signature move is the "bait and switch junk grab". As you're grabbing for the ball, his junk magically appears. In the way of your hand.

Another one of his famous moves is to let the ball go loose, then as you scramble for it, his sweaty ass gets in the way. Of your face.