Resolutions I plan on never keeping

By John Houder

Thursday

Dec 31, 2009 at 12:01 AM

New Year's Eve is the one time of year when lying to yourself and making grand, outrageous promises will get you accolades instead of an intervention.

More than anything else, the beginning of each new year is seen as a fresh start. It provides a clean slate on which you can naively map out the path that your life will invariably not follow. It's the one time of year when lying to yourself and making grand, outrageous promises will get you accolades instead of an intervention.As the clock strikes midnight, millions of Americans will undoubtedly embark on another trip around the sun while still engaging in the very activities they have sworn to leave behind. Gorging on unseemly piles of food. Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol. Kissing intoxicated strangers.They will awaken one cold February morning and realize that they have used the backs of their New Year's resolutions to scribble a to-do list including items like, "Cancel gym membership," "Call sponsor" and "Go get tested. Again." They will then call in sick to work - nullifying yet another resolution - and go back to bed.In order to break the vicious cycle of self-deception, self-destruction and self-loathing, I have decided to inject some much-needed honesty into the annual delusion-fest we call "New Year's resolutions."I have compiled a list of things that I would like to alter but, for reasons I will expound upon later, am either unwilling or unable to change. My hope is that when I look back on this list next December, I will see exactly why I hadn't really planned on honoring my resolutions in the first place, thus avoiding painful cognitive dissonance.In the event that I actually do change my behavior, the list of reasons why I thought I wouldn't will let me know that I have overcome a great obstacle. It's a win for me either way.The following resolutions are the things I resolve to possibly do - but probably won't - during the coming year:1. READ MORE BOOKS: Books are a waste of time. "Moby Dick" the book is 1,000 pages long. "Moby Dick" the movie runs just under two hours and stars legendary actors Gregory Peck and Orson Welles. Even if Gregory Peck was reading the book for you, it would still take three days.Plus, if a single picture is worth 1,000 words, watching an entire movie is like reading an encyclopedia. Stick with Netflix.2. START WRITING LETTERS BY HAND: In this technological age filled with GPS toaster ovens and robots that sweep floors while quietly plotting their revenge, the elderly often complain that conventional letter writing is a lost art. What their aged brains forget is that the art was lost because people found something better.

Latin died out because the Romans discovered Ebonics. The dodo went extinct because evolution favored tastier birds. In much the same way, letter writing has been replaced with text messages and Facebook status updates. And really, if you can't say something on Twitter in 140 characters or less (see "Moby Dick"), is it worth saying at all?3. GET INTO SHAPE: I should probably follow through on this one. Somehow, I've managed to pack on 170 pounds since 1983.4. START SMOKING: I've been looking for something to change my image recently, and my experiments with monocles, self tanners and the catchphrase "Shazam!" have all ended poorly. Smoking might give me a dangerous edge, and I hear it grows on you over time.Emphysema, lung cancer and death are hefty prices to pay for a revitalized image, but if lighting up a Lucky Strike makes me look as cool as Don Draper of "Mad Men," I'll take my chances.Now that I've completed the list of resolutions I plan by no means on keeping, I can file it away, never once reminding myself that I resolved to not change in 2010. It's not the most effective way of turning one's life around, but there's always next year for that.

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