We've all done it. At the first sign of medical distress, we rush to our computers and Google our symptoms. Then we proceed to make ourselves sick at the possible worst case scenarios offered up by the search engine. A vague pain in the right upper back quickly becomes liver failure or an enlarged spleen.

Of course, there is the off chance that you really do have a rare and deadly form of Lupus that's tell tale diagnostic mark is a left toenail that curls in on itself. Just like yours! EEEEEK!

Stop it. You're fine. To prove it, I'm going to Google a few common symptoms and show you what pops up.

SYMPTOM ONE: HEADACHE

GOOGLE DIAGNOSIS: A BRAIN ANEURYSM

A brain aneurysm is a weak spot in a blood vessel in the brain that balloons and fills with blood. If it bursts, it can cause bleeding, known as a brain hemorrhage. One of the symptoms is often described as "the worst headache of your life."

Severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS) is a new, potentially life-threatening viral illness. Because the virus that causes SARS is highly contagious, people with the disease are usually isolated. Treatment includes antibiotics, anti-viral medications, and steroid drugs that reduce inflammation in the lungs.

PROBABLE DIAGNOSIS: SMOKING, OBESITY, LAZINESS

SYMPTOM THREE: BLOODY NOSE

GOOGLE DIAGNOSIS: PRE-LEUKEMIA (MYELODYSPLASTIC SYNDROME)

Myelodysplastic syndromes are diseases that affect the bone marrow and blood. Having MDS means that the bone marrow in your body doesn't make enough healthy blood cells. Some people with MDS eventually may develop leukemia.

PROBABLE DIAGNOSIS: YOU LIVE IN ARIZONA, A BAD COKE HABIT

Some people experience a sort of self satisfaction at learning these possible outcomes as if to validate the pissing, moaning and complaining they've probably just put you through. So, I am here to tell you to stop it. Stop Googling your systems. Hard, though it might be, resist this urge. Giving in to this kind of madness never ends well.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

For those of you who are unaware of what "Captcha" is, it's the annoying validation text that asks you to retype the letters or numbers shown in an image file to insure you are a real person and not a computer bot trying to access your account.

It's supposed to be an added level of protection, but what was once a good idea has now become a test of your ability to read hieroglyphics. Why are they so hard to read? I'm assuming this is because computer bots are getting better at deciphering them, but the idea isn't to make it hard on the end user. Is this really the best we can do to secure our account access?

Does the above text make you feel safer? How about the words below? Providing that you can decipher them, do you think your account is worth all this?

A company in Britain, Safeflo has created a line of caps that slip over beer and alcoholic drink bottles to stop would-be date rapists from slipping you a mickey. Tres clever.

I guess this is a bigger problem than we previously thought. The only problem I can foresee with using one of these devices is that it either broadcasts the fact that you have already been date raped and/or have a strong fear that it could happen. Probably not the message you want to be sending people in a social atmosphere like a bar, but necessity is the mother of invention.

I can't speak for cities outside of Los Angeles, but I have been noticing a new phenomenon that's been gaining popularity in town. It's teddy bears strung up on power lines. It used to be a pair of shoes hanging on power lines and while that is still something you are bound to see, teddy bears are popping up everywhere.

What does it mean? The urban legend about shoes on power lines is that they denote the presence of a drug dealer in the vicinity. Is this the same for teddy bears now? I doubt it. You don't need to string up shoes and plush animals to find a drug dealer in Los Angeles. Still, it's puzzling.

Is it an art project by some hipster nerd? Is it advertising something? I don't have a clue, but I am determined to find out. Of course, it probably means nothing -- or whatever I want it to mean -- which is just a cop out that tells me the person lacks vision.

Finnish phone company Nokia has patented a technology that could one day alert its tattooed customers of incoming calls and text messages. This can be achieved, they say, by tattooing a ferromagnetic ink into their skin. When paired with the phone, the device can vibrate the skin when activated.

Creepy? Yes, but people are stupid enough for deep fried butter, so why not? Until then, we'll just have to make do with the cancer causing electronic devices that are not embedded into our bodies.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Here's a silly question. Why do we have such a hard time throwing away old, dried up bars of soap? We know they've given up their best lather, yet we still save a small place in the corner of our bath or shower stall to keep them around. It's a kind of soap graveyard of sorts. A new bar has taken its place. It's not as if we feel like we still want to use it.

They are in essence, hunks of soap scum and while they still have an ounce or two of their original color, they will soon become white, opaque skeletons formed in the last shape our fingers molded them in.

Why do we do this? It's a bit of a mystery to me. If we agree it's not for the sake of conservation, then why are we so attached to these blobs of colored fat? Maybe it's because we use them on our bodies. They are more intimate with us than most people in our lives. Is it personal?

I think it is and I will tell you why. Unless we are still fourteen, the soap we choose is usually very specific. You might say you don't have a favorite soap, but I bet you know the kind of soap you hate. We are particular about our soap.

For example, some soaps leave a strange fatty smell on your body after you've used them. Some are too dry on your skin. Some are too much like lotion and are impossible to wash off. Then there's the whole choice of scent. These are all factors.

I don't like soaps that have oatmeal in them. I'm guessing this is supposed to have some kind of exfolient effect, but I don't care. I don't like food products in my soap. Neither do I like a bar of soap with rosemary in it. I don't want to smell like a plate of rosemary potatoes after I wash.

So, having said all that, I am no closer to understanding why old soap accumulates in my shower. The very least I can do is offer them a decent burial.

If there is one thing about the post office that make my blood boil -- it's this. Sure, our mail carriers are fairly consistent, but any time I have to go to the post office to send a package or do any kind of business with them, the experience makes me want to take a hostage.

Why? Is it because there is a line? No, not really. The line is a symptom of the real problem, not the cause. The problem is that postal clerks behind the glass move at a snail's pace. They have no sense of urgency at all. I have never seen a single clerk hustle to clear the line. It's as if they are trained to act this way. It's as though they have an agreement that they don't have to rush -- that customer service is not in the job description.

The people that are in a rush are their customers. They just want someone to show some signs of life. Something that tells us they know we are in a hurry and that they are here to help us. Instead, we get an intentional slow down.

Customer service is the last thing in this country we have left to sell and we continually let that product slip through our fingers.

I think we can all agree that it's a blessing that we get mail delivered to us on a daily basis. The system is not without problems, but it's consistent. Then we hear funding for the U.S. Postal Service is being cut and there is talk that our local post offices may be closing. EEEK!

Then we feel a small panic about it. Not because we care about snail mail, but because it's such an American institution that the mere idea of it crumbling makes us wonder if the country is collapsing from under our feet.

I think the U.S. Postal Service should continue, but if they are going to survive, they're going to need an overhaul in their attitude toward their customers.

The NONONONO Cat meme is an immediate crowd pleaser. This thing is a juggernaut, why? I'll tell you. Because it's a cat video and it features a feline that speaks the word NO over and over and over. It's as if no one is listening to this poor guy so he has to repeat himself. It has a high replay value and has endless spinoffs.

There are autotuned versions, movie and music video mashups versions and the list goes on. It's exactly the kind of thing to have at the ready so when someone asks you if you can do something for them you can push the play button and hear. NONONONONONO.

Before you explore the spin-offs, enjoy the original unadulterated NONONONO Cat video. For the uncontrollable belly laughs to come -- you're welcome.

This auto-tuned version is great. It's a no frills version and stays true to the spirit of the original NONONONO Cat video. Others, you will find, do not.