Son must demand his wife be polite

February 03, 2008

Dear Annie, Our only child, a son, is married with two children. Their last visit with us was very difficult. Our daughter-in-law, "Ursula," felt it was her right to stay in our home and not eat any meals with us or join in any family activity. She also refused to help prepare or clean up, saying this is "not her home" and she's only a guest. She barely spoke a word to my husband or me, just a quick "bye" as she dashed out the door each day to join her friends. My husband and I have reached the limit of our patience. We are not running a hotel. In our opinion, Ursula is a bully and a control freak. We want to see our son and grandchildren, but the strain of having this rude girl in our home is too stressful. However, if we tell them they can't stay here, we're fairly certain Ursula will ban us from seeing the grandchildren altogether, as this has happened in the past. What can we do? Frustrated GrandparentsDear Frustrated, Where is your son in all this drama? Yes, Ursula is being an inconsiderate pain in the behind, but it's your son who has to demand she behave more appropriately. A loving wife makes an effort to be polite and considerate to her husband's parents. We trust the treatment of your son and daughter-in-law is equal. After all, if he doesn't clean up, why should she? Inform your son that you are not the maid, and that you expect both him and Ursula to help out when they stay with you. You also can make a reservation for them at a nearby motel, saying you know how much they value their privacy and you want them to enjoy their time together. If you can afford it, offer to pay for their room. It may be worth the peace of mind. Dear Annie, What's the rule about asking people to give money rather than a gift for one's retirement? I'm leaving my job soon and have several things I want, but can't afford to buy. Rather than have people give me gifts I have no use for, I'd much rather have cash so I can purchase whatever I need. Is this in poor taste? What is the correct way to write this on an invitation? Rockford, Ill.Dear Rockford, Sorry, there is no polite, correct or acceptable way to tell people on an invitation that you expect a gift and it ought to be cash. A gift is whatever guests choose to give because of their fond feelings for you. (We know a lot of greedy people think otherwise, but they are wrong.) Here's the best you can do: Mention your preference to one or two close friends and have them pass it along. Dear Annie, You printed a letter about a person who received an inheritance from her overseas grandparent. She stayed in touch with Grandma and her siblings did not. You recommended the inheritor share a portion with the siblings to keep peace in the family. Then you printed a letter about a mother-in-law who was worried she'd promised one daughter-in-law a china set that is worth more than the one she'll give the other daughter-in-law. Have we all gone nuts? The giver has the right to give to whomever she wants. What about reaping what you sow? Whatever happened to being happy with what comes? No one is entitled to a gift of equal cost only to keep them happy. If you have to worry about everyone else's feelings, giving isn't worth the bother. You Don't Owe Me Anything in NebraskaDear Nebraska, You aren't the only reader who disagreed with us. But those who arrange bequests don't have to live with the fallout. Such inequality -- deserved or not -- can create hard feelings and a rift that never mends. Most people value their relationships with siblings, daughters-in-law, children, etc., and a wise, caring person keeps that in mind when being generous. ANNIE'S MAILBOX KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR