Nix the Fix

Facebook is a competition for fixers. Last week when I posted what I thought was a clever, ironic vignette, the comments quickly filled up with what I could have done instead, and links to where I could find the item to do a better job and examples of what other people had done. Except . . . I hadn’t asked for help. It wasn’t a question. It wasn’t until hours later that someone noticed I might have been wry, and commented on that.

We (particularly women) are fixers. Sad? Well, let me show you how to get over it. Happy? You could have gotten there quicker and easier, and here’s the link. My husband once saw me rushing by with an emotional toolbox and casually asked, “Is that your phone I hear ringing?” I looked puzzled and said, “Nope, my phone is not ringing.” He nodded, “Well, then I guess no one is asking you for your advice,” he said.

Well said. I learned not to fix in coaching school. There is a huge difference between fixing and witnessing. And witnessing is empathy, fixing is meddling. Hard to stop doing, but absolutely necessary if you want to keep your friends and be a dependable friend.

What can you do to help a friend who is hurting, but hasn’t asked for help? It’s tricky, but here are four reactions that work for me.

1. Listen. Really listen while the person tells the story of anger or hurt. Don’t interrupt, and don’t start to plan what you are going to say. Just listen. Deeply. Nod, but don’t say anything.

2. When your friend finishes the story, show you have listened by paraphrasing back your friend’s emotion. “That’s horrible! Having your cat stolen is awful. I can see how upset you are.” If your friend adds information, listen again.

3. Empathize. Empathy makes friends feel supported, not guilty. “What? You let your cat out at night? What sort of fur-mom does that? No wonder the cat got stolen.” This is not the time to teach accountability. Better response: “You must be heartbroken. Would it help if I helped you look for your cat?” Notice that you do not say, “Let’s go out and look for your cat right now.” You ask for permission to help. Not to tell her what to do, but ask for permission to help. Accept that “no” is also an answer.

4. Don’t top your friends story. “I know just how you feel. I had my dog and cat stolen the night my house burned down.” That makes your friend stop her own emotions and take care of yours, denying that she is in pain and asking after your situation. Competitive story-telling is not empathetic, it switches roles, putting you at the center of attention.

Watch out for “I know just how you feel.” You know how you feel, but not how your friend feels. Telling your friend you know how she feels cuts off the conversation. It switches the emphasis to you and allows you to direct the conversation. Stop. Instead, ask, “How do you feel right now?” If she just told you, acknowledge it. “It must be awful to be hurting so much right now.”

4. Ask your friend what she would like you to do to help. Please don’t fix. “Fixing” is the reflexive offering of advice when none has been asked for, or is called for. When we see someone in pain, the instinct to fix may be huge, particularly if you are an extrovert or an expert in the area of the problem.

Fixing isn’t helpful. It doesn’t address what your friend wants or needs. It assumes you know the answer to her problem and you are taking over the job of steering the other person’s life. Without any permission except your own.

Fixing doesn’t work because it creates a new problem–your friend feels obligated to make you feel good by taking your advice, which is often not suited for your friend’s problem.

Fixing is meant to be helpful, but here comes that perspective problem again. What looks helpful to you, makes you look condescending–after all, here is your friend in pain, and you have the easy fix that s/he wasn’t clever enough to figure out herself. Ouch.

Fixing puts your friend in a bad position. If she tells you that your idea won’t work, she risks making you angry. Who wants that on top of her current problem? If she takes your advice and it doesn’t work, well, it was her decision to follow your advice. No one wins.

It might be a better to ask your friend what kind of help she wants. Offer encouragement. Offer support. No fixing needed.

—Quinn McDonald is a creativity coach, who studied “not fixing” as a major skill in coaching school.

Oh, I am such a FIXER! It’s so hard to stop and I really need to stop, especially with the recent situation with my Mom.

BUT, when I’m with friends and we are sharing different problems and such, I look forward to the brainstorming part. I suppose that could still be considered fixing, I’ll have to think about that. I like sharing ideas and hearing someone else’s opinion. I like to hear different viewpoints and it helps me weigh my options moving forward. But, I don’t have expectations of my friends taking my advice. It’s just a seed that’s been planted and they can choose to water the seed or not.

For me, sometimes it takes hearing multiple opinions until I finally get it. Had I not had many people to talk during my Mom’s recent health situation, I would never have gotten through it. It took hearing a little bit of this and a little bit of that from each person. It lifted me up and helped me put it all in the proper perspective. I seriously don’t know if I would have survived without all the loving input and advice. I know the advice came from a place of love and concern for my well-being. I’ve never felt that a friend’s advice meant I wasn’t clever enough to figure it out on my own. So the question is, “Am I really that conceited or am I just self-confident?” Hmmm, something else to ponder.

On another note regarding point #4, I think (most times) that people share comparable stories to let the other person know they are not alone. At least that’s how I see it. But we all know people who have to top every story to direct the focus back to them. That’s another issue altogether!

All of us are different and process things differently. I guess we have to choose people to be around that make us feel good and lift us up. If there’s a person who always wants to do things on his/her own, and doesn’t want advice or input, then they probably need to find friends who think the same way. Otherwise, they will never feel uplifted and will only feel beaten up and battered. I rely on my friends for loving advice and a reality check so I definitely want their input. Conversations with my friends bounce back and forth so quickly that it’s difficult to monitor every move along the way.

Thanks for being a good friend, Quinn…for listening, offering help, and giving me your insight, which I greatly value! (Sorry for such a long response)

Your long response is well considered and shared. I think it is really about asking our friends what they want. “What can I do to help?” is a great question. “You aren’t alone.” is a wonderful statement that can open doors. But the fixer doesn’t ask those. The fixer assumes he (or she) knows the answer and knows more than you so you should listen. If you boil my blog post down, what it really says is, “Listen to your friends first. Then ask what they need from you. Then offer what you can, without expectation and with great compassion.” That way everybody wins. I chose to wrote in a how-to way because it peels it down easier–to see what we are doing and to do something different. And your answers are never too long, Traci.

Men do this too. We may even be worse than women for doing this. “Find the problem! Solve the problem! Accept gratitude and increase status!” Then we get confused when women say, “I didn’t want or need your help. You never just listen!”

Cooking Man and I used to do this all the time, you are right that men are fixers, too. I love “increase status!” And I think women need to say, “I just want you to listen.” Ask for what you need. Thanks for spreading a wider solution, Robin.

It has taken a lot of willpower to not go back and see if I offered a ‘fix’ or not! I was paid to help teachers find solutions that worked for them for so many years and I always tried not to fix or direct them toward a solution because I wouldn’t be there to implement it. All I could do was provide information and support. I try to do that even now but sometimes . . . I’m guilty.