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Topic : Sex

Are you getting enough? Maintaining the sizzle? Or just too tired to even think about it?

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hi everyone

Sizzle is Gone...

We have been only married for 1 1/2 years and we only have sex/make love once a month. My husband says there is no time (we have no children). When we do make love it takes about 5 minutes and is horrible, horrible and did I say horrible? I have tried showing, telling, talking, writing to try and help him along with what I desire and still absolutely NO improvements. He also lacks effective communication skills and when I talk to him about our relationship he looks at me like a deer in the headlights! He does not respond, act on or try and change the direction of our relationship. I am at a loss because he is such a kind, gentle and thoughtful soul. He is the type of man that cleans the house, does laundry and pulls my side of the sheets down for me to go to bed! I have talked to him about our relationship for the last 6 months and our last conversation I said I am not going to renew the mortgage (due in September).

Therapy

We have been only married for 1 1/2 years and we only have sex/make love once a month. My husband says there is no time (we have no children). When we do make love it takes about 5 minutes and is horrible, horrible and did I say horrible? I have tried showing, telling, talking, writingto try and help him along with what I desire and still absolutely NO improvements. He also lacks effective communication skills and when I talk to him about our relationship he looks at me like a deer in the headlights! He does not respond, act on or try and change the direction of our relationship. I am at a loss because he is such a kind, gentle and thoughtful soul. He is the type of man that cleans the house, does laundry and pulls my side of the sheets down for me to go to bed! I have talked to him about our relationship for the last 6 months and our last conversation I said I am not going to renew the mortgage (due in September).

Is my Husband a lost cause?

Get thee to a therapist . . . and fast. It sounds like that's the only thing you haven't tried. That and an ultimatum: "Either you start taking the sexual part of our relationship and my sexual needs seriously or this marriage over." I mean, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a sexless marriage? It's only been a year and a half and you have no children. You can still walk away relatively cleanly.

Sexless Marriage

Get thee to a therapist . . . and fast. It sounds like that's the only thing you haven't tried. That and an ultimatum: "Either you start taking the sexual part of our relationship and my sexual needs seriously or this marriage over." I mean, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a sexless marriage? It's only been a year and a half and you have no children. You can still walk away relatively cleanly.

Thanks for your advice. I have just made an appointment with a Therapist and my husband agreed to go. We start this Thursday. So sad.....

Let's hope he is not a lost cause!

We have been only married for 1 1/2 years and we only have sex/make love once a month. My husband says there is no time (we have no children). When we do make love it takes about 5 minutes and is horrible, horrible and did I say horrible? I have tried showing, telling, talking, writingto try and help him along with what I desire and still absolutely NO improvements. He also lacks effective communication skills and when I talk to him about our relationship he looks at me like a deer in the headlights! He does not respond, act on or try and change the direction of our relationship. I am at a loss because he is such a kind, gentle and thoughtful soul. He is the type of man that cleans the house, does laundry and pulls my side of the sheets down for me to go to bed! I have talked to him about our relationship for the last 6 months and our last conversation I said I am not going to renew the mortgage (due in September).

Is my Husband a lost cause?

Let's hope he is not a lost cause! Communications is the cornerstone of any relationship, platonic or otherwise. How you have a husband and have not been able to communicate is beyond me, but you do, and that is why you have the problem.

Finding a time to sit down with no distractions, (television, others around, having a deadline of some place to be) and sit face to face and make him talk.

When you talk with him, make sure you ask open ended questions, ones that he can't just give a yes or no answer to, and when he does open up and make even a little progress, praise him in some way, not overly praise, but enough to give him the confidence of feeling like wow that wasn't so bad, I opened up, communicated and not in pain! Make sure your first attempts at getting him to open up and communicate are about non-threatening things. Don't make it about sex, in the beginning. When you do finally get around to the topic of sex, make sure it is in a non-threatening place, such as the bedroom. Discuss it when in a park, or in the car on a drive. Some place he is not in fear of having to go right then and perform. Ensure as well that you don't criticize him for his thoughts or actions while getting him to open up. In time, you will be able to talk about things that are wrong, in your eyes, but if he is not a talker, you don't want to scare him off before he feel comfortable in opening up.

You are going to have to have patience, and in the beginning you are going to only get a little at a time, but in time, the more confident he is with expressing himself, he will open up more, and maybe he will begin to flow like a river.

When you do get around to talking about sex, again ensure it is open ended questions, and try and find out what he likes/turn on's and what he doesn't like/turn off's. It sounds like you are a more open person, so let him express his desires before you scare him with yours.

Again, this is not going to happen over night, and you will need patience. I hope this helps. Good luck, and great sex!

Sexless

Hi...I am feeling not only lonely, but depressed about my situation. My boyfriend has lived with me almost a yr. now. Our sex life has never been the best, but in my mind and heart it was the least important at the time of meeting him. I also believed that with time, love, adventure etc, it would fall into place and become more exciting. It's not. It's even worse than when we first met. We rarely engage in any type of intimate, or romantic situations. It is NOT that I don't express to him my wants, desires, what I like what I don't like...I have. In return the topic seems to be diverted to other issues and the point being that he is not fulfilling my sexual needs is lost. I have tried discussing this many times, always ending in hurt feelings. My last discussion with him was about wanting to understand his lack of interest in sex. I asked how often would he be happy with, and is sex something he thinks about. He admitted sex was not a priority to him, and that once a week would be plenty. (We rarely engage in sex once a week even!)..and when we do? I am so unsatisfied, he does not meet my sexual needs and I am becoming very frustrated. Afraid of what my family or friends may think of me....(being that I have been in a few live-in relationships) Fear of being judged I guess. I'm not feeling close to him, I feel that without intamacy, PASSION, Romance...there's really nothing left. SURE, there is a brotherly/sisterly love, respect, etc. We generally don't fight (other than when This topic comes up..or i'm so depressed,sad, withdrawn) He will ask me what's wrong when i'm withdrawn (sexually frustrated)..and now i'm even avoiding talking about it. Ya kinda loose that will to make it right when you have repeatedly tried telling your partner what it is you need and want, and not getting any results. &nbsp

PS...I to have asked him what it is HE needs wants (it doesn't really include anything sexual)...&nbsp

During one of our discussions I did mention to him that perhaps our sexual orientation is just very different, and mentioned to him the article I had read about Asexual people. I could tell it was a touch and go conversation as I was being careful not to hurt his feelings. &nbsp

I think I know the problem, and i'm seeking help in finding a solution, and I was really hoping it wouldn't have to mean moving on...OR settling and accepting it the way it is....&nbsp

This is a touchy Subject with us men, but there could be more variables than solutions

Hi...I am feeling not only lonely, but depressed about my situation. My boyfriend has lived with me almost a yr. now. Our sex life has never been the best, but in my mind and heart it was the least important at the time of meeting him. I also believed that with time, love, adventure etc, it would fall into place and become more exciting. It's not. It's even worse than when we first met. We rarely engage in any type of intimate, or romantic situations. It is NOT that I don't express to him my wants, desires, what I like what I don't like...I have. In return the topic seems to be diverted to other issues and the point being that he is not fulfilling my sexual needs is lost. I have tried discussing this many times, always ending in hurt feelings. My last discussion with him was about wanting to understand his lack of interest in sex. I asked how often would he be happy with, and is sex something he thinks about. He admitted sex was not a priority to him, and that once a week would be plenty. (We rarely engage in sex once a week even!)..and when we do? I am so unsatisfied, he does not meet my sexual needs and I am becoming very frustrated. Afraid of what my family or friends may think of me....(being that I have been in a few live-in relationships) Fear of being judged I guess. I'm not feeling close to him, I feel that without intamacy, PASSION, Romance...there's really nothing left. SURE, there is a brotherly/sisterly love, respect, etc. We generally don't fight (other than when This topic comes up..or i'm so depressed,sad, withdrawn) He will ask me what's wrong when i'm withdrawn (sexually frustrated)..and now i'm even avoiding talking about it. Ya kinda loose that will to make it right when you have repeatedly tried telling your partner what it is you need and want, and not getting any results. &nbsp

PS...I to have asked him what it is HE needs wants (it doesn't really include anything sexual)...&nbsp

During one of our discussions I did mention to him that perhaps our sexual orientation is just very different, and mentioned to him the article I had read about Asexual people. I could tell it was a touch and go conversation as I was being careful not to hurt his feelings. &nbsp

I think I know the problem, and i'm seeking help in finding a solution, and I was really hoping it wouldn't have to mean moving on...OR settling and accepting it the way it is....&nbsp

Sexless.&nbsp

&nbsp

This is a touchy Subject with us men, but there could be more variables than solutions. Men's egos are large, and the last thing we ever want to hear,is we are not doing our jobs.

There could be many reasons for his lack of sexual drive. It could be medical, erectile dysfunction(ED), it could be psychological, sexual abuse occurring when he was young, or being taught sex is dirty, it could be mental, worrying if you have more experience, he is not adequate to do the job.

If it is ED there is medication to take care of that. If it is any of the other ones, therapy could help.

The one thing you need to think about, as it seems you have been doing more than most do, you have discussed it, is think about the time and place you discuss it. You would not want to bring it up in the middle or after or prior to engaging in sexual activity.

This is something you should want to discuss in a non-threatening place, the living room, a automobile drive, or some place he does not think your are fixing to jump his bones. Next you need to make sure you are not sounding accusatory towards him, not judge mental. Maybe in the beginning talk as if it is a general discussion, not about the two of you, but just sex in general. Then you may want to slowly direct it into your own sex life, but again keeping it away from sounding like you are putting him on the spot, as far as his behavior. I think this will take more than one talk, and anytime he seems to be feeling uncomfortable, change the subject and come back to it on another occasion.

In time you will be able to find out what he likes and dislikes, discuss the wild and kinky things slowly, and a little at a time. Sex is something to be shared, not done out of guilt. Make sure it is something that both can be excited and happy about. Maybe in time, introduce, things like role playing, where you both take a role and act it out. This may take the pressure off him, as it is someone else doing this not himself. If he screws up, it was the other person. Toys could be introduced which could help with your orgasms, if this is an area he is not staying around long enough for. That way you two could play around, and you come to orgasm, without him knowing it was needed in the first place, and maybe in time, it would not be needed at all, but just fun to keep around.

wish i could get it

I have been married to the same guy for 14 years. When we have sex it is when he wants it and hardly ever when I want to. When I am in the mood he is always too tired or not in the mood. But he can wake me out of a great sleep at 3:00 o'clock in the morning and we have sex. It doesn't go both ways. He is a "wham bam thank you mam." I more of the " want to cuddle and talk and then have sex type." Nowadays I rather have sex with him when I have ahd something alcoholic to drink, beacuse it relaxes me and helps alleviate the hurt I feel when he wants sex and I do not.

Sex is Something That Should Be Shared Between Two People!

I have been married to the same guy for 14 years. When we have sex it is when he wants it and hardly ever when I want to. When I am in the mood he is always too tired or not in the mood. But he can wake me out of a great sleep at 3:00 o'clock in the morning and we have sex. It doesn't go both ways. He is a "wham bam thank you mam." I more of the " want to cuddle and talk and then have sex type." Nowadays I rather have sex with him when I have ahd something alcoholic to drink, beacuse it relaxes me and helps alleviate the hurt I feel when he wants sex and I do not.

Sex is Something That Should Be Shared Between Two People! The thing you need to do, is, at some point in time when sex is not going to be an issue for the moment, talk to your husband about your feelings, and explain to him that sex is something that two should be sharing, both focusing on pleasing the other, not just a release of sexual tension.

When you talk to him, don't make any of the conversation to appear accusatory, or with blame. Talk to him more like as a matter of fact, and when asking him questions about his ideas of what needs to happen to solve your marital problems, make sure you ask him open ended questions. Questions that he can't answer with just a yes or no.

Let him know that waking you up at 3 a.m. is not an option, and it is not a loving thing to do. Sex is part of a loving relationship, and if either is not comfortable with what is going on, it is a kind of abuse. Both should be in the mood, and again, it is something that is to be "shared" not given out of a "get it over with" feeling.

All relationships will have lulls in them, and the excitement can have it's ebbs and flows. Maybe you could talk to him about spicing up the relationship with things such as role playing, where the two of you pretend to be either in situations of some sort of fantasy that either of you happen to have, or be totally different people in some sort of compromising situation that would excite "BOTH" parties.

Another thing that may help cause excitement to return in the bedroom, would be for the two of you to go out on a date, and after dinner, movie or whatever the two of you did during your dating days, get a room somewhere. Sometimes just being in a different environment can cause the heat to turn up a notch or two.

The main thing you need to do is communicate your feelings to your husband. Communications is the cornerstone of any relationship, and without it, it will surely die over time. I don't think this is something that can't be brought back to life, as you would not be here posting, if you didn't want some sort of fix. If your husband is being selfish with your relationship, and trust me, men are creators of this behavior, don't allow him to get away with it.

I can remember answering a post from a woman whose husband would never want sex, unless it was her giving him oral sex. The behavior she needed get her husband to change, was to stop and consider her feelings as well. Men will get lazy if you let us, and the thing with you, just like the woman I mentioned above, you need to make sure you don't allow your husband to get lazy in the bedroom. We are only treated the way we allow others to treat us, and if we allow abuse, it will happen. The thing you need to do, is "BUST" him every time he is only considering his own gratification, and lovingly remind him that your feelings matter as well in this relationship, and things will never work unless he begins considering your feelings as well.

Turning to alcohol is not going to help your relationship, it will only numb your feelings, and maybe cause a drinking problem to have to deal with as well as a sex problem. I hope this helps. Please keep us informed, as I am sure it will help others as well, and when you try, whatever you try, let us know what worked. Good luck, and great sex