Ask Amy

He puts wife on the back burner

October 07, 2008|By Ask Amy Amy Dickinson

Dear Amy: I've been married to a wonderful man for several years. Our relationship has been pretty good, and we had been talking about starting a family in a year or two. Recently, however, my husband has become obsessed with the idea of leaving his good job and returning full time to college to get his master's degree.

He has picked a college several states away, which means we will need to quit our jobs, sell our house and move. He is proposing that we rent an apartment and for me to find a job so I can pay the bills while he's in school for two years.

I'm not wild about quitting my job, finding a new one, living away from my family and friends, and especially being the breadwinner while he is living the carefree life of a student. I'm also disappointed that this means putting off our plans to have children.

I'm wondering how I should handle this. I want him to realize his dreams, but I feel as if I'm getting the short end of the stick.

What should I do?

-- Unhappy Wife

Dear Unhappy: The life of a graduate student is not carefree. Far from it. Nor does being a graduate student prevent you two from starting a family - - in fact, a student's more flexible schedule can work well with parenting a baby.

If your husband attains a master's degree, it might put him in a position to get a better or more fulfilling job -- and then he could be the primary breadwinner for a time, presenting you with the opportunity to pursue your own dreams.

The most obvious area for compromise is on the duration and location of his graduate studies. Perhaps he can start by taking a class at night -- at a nearby college.

Dear Amy: As a childless couple living in another city, my wife and I maintain regular contact with family members. We have given generously for baby gifts and wedding showers, and we've expended considerable money for travel for holidays, reunions and other gatherings.

My wife's mother died more than a month ago. Most of my family personally knew her.

With our efforts over the past 30 years to honor significant events in others' lives, we have been quite disappointed that so few of my relatives bothered to extend condolences to us.

I am coming to believe that most of them are somewhat self-absorbed.

I am trying to assess if they are worthy of maintaining our personal and financial engagement.

How should we interpret this perceived slight, and to what level should we engage ourselves in the future?

-- Wondering

Dear Wondering: You are experiencing the unfortunate reality of how self-centered people can become when they have children. In their mind, they have fulfilled their destiny as a family member, which is to add children to the clan.

It's OK to remind your family members that you and your wife have been there for them whenever the occasion calls for it and to ask them to step up to the plate now, by saying, "You're aware that Charise's mother, 'Betty,' died last month? I know that Charise would appreciate hearing from you."

I hope you'll continue to lead by example, but don't be shy about telling them you also expect, need and appreciate their special attention.

Dear Amy: I am writing in response to "Hating Puberty," the 11-year-old boy who said that he cried on the first two days of school.

Amy, reading that almost broke my heart. I am a 14-year-old girl and a freshman in high school, and I can say from experience that there's no getting around the fact that the first few weeks of middle school can be terrible.

The only advice I can really offer him is to hang in there. It will get better.

Amy, the advice you gave was also great, to join clubs and extracurriculars.

He shouldn't feel as though he needs a million friends. If there's anyone he can talk to who has been through this, it will help a lot.

If he's like most middle-schoolers, he'll be fine in a month or so. And by the time he reaches 8th grade, he'll be having a blast.

-- Best Wishes

Dear Wishes: It's very generous of you to offer your encouragement to this young boy. I hope he reads this and takes heart.