Friday, October 17, 2008

When he sings "Let my lifesong sings to You." I thought about my lifesong. Under such circumstances...

It would be a war-cry.It would be a heartiful yell of a soldier before war.It would bring tear and strength in the same time.It would be like tearing apart and rebuilding at once.It would be a yelp with such unknown painful joy.It would be like a desparation.It would call upon help.It would summon thunders and rain.It would shower the dried soil with fresh stream water.It would flow into the hearts of others.It would awake the spirit of a church.It would release warriors and angelic hosts.It would be a prayer without words.It would be a child's cry for the Father.It would be a lover's call to the Other.It would be an embrace forever remembered.It would bring me and You closer.It is something that I want to do.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I have decided to write about God. Because there is nothing in the world worth writing anymore. People who disappoints and things that doesn't work out the way they should. Finally coming back into realising that only God surpasses all understanding. That He is ever there, ever present. And He is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Not one less or not one less important than another. I believe everything that You say. Everything in the Bible. I place my trust in God alone. For people fail, I fail but God will never fail.

I have decided to write about God. Because I am weak, helpless and lost. No one can lead me through this twirl but God. It is amazing to realise once again that life is not in control, not in my control, that plan changes, dreams evolves, fear creeps in, people leave, situations break down. And we human can only do so much. I place my trust in God alone. For He gives me peace.

I have decided to write about God. Even though no one sees or hear. Because His presence is very much real. That nothing can snatch those memories away from me. That touch, the tears, the burning fire, and our intimate encounter. The laughters and joy that He brought into my life. I would have never know, feel, see or hear so wonderful things if He had not came into my life. Ignorance is not bliss. Knowing Jesus is bliss.

I have decided to write about God. Because even if He decided to stop His blessing, He has blessed me more than I deserve. If ever He calls, I will answer to it, because I cannot say no to the one who saved my life, my lover, brother, father, master and friend. That my life is His, I would sing, dance, shout for joy, talk, walk and live for Him alone. And He said, nothing can snatch you out of my hands.

I have decided to write about God, follow Him, love Him, trust Him all the days of my life.

Monday, October 6, 2008

So I was sad. Because revival is coming. And revival is like war, with waves of bombardment, strategies, sacrifices, spies and hidden enemies, criticsm, unknown emotional outrages, physical, emotional and spiritual attacks. Just like those hawks in the war would do whatever they have to to get the things that they want. Things are happening around here. And when they do, we get caught by surprise.

Of course we were like those rookie soldiers when it started, crying for blood and yelling for land, we're gonna crush those like maggots, they have no idea who they're up against. I was pointing fingers and laughing at those who are to oppose us. It was great, tasting the first fruit of victory, those mud, sand, rain and the split blood of the enemies on our beaten bodies. There's no denying that we had some bad wounds from that, but nothing major.

Then like those nasty parts in war movies, it hit me. Storms and thunders, they came like waves of bombardment in Vietnam, nasty, real nasty. And the terrible part about it is that it is nothing too physical. It's like they're trying to play some sneaky mind games with us. Who's the bad guy, when's the next attack, some real bad insults, some real bad temptations, a few slaps in the face, some more naming and shaming, trying to break the troops, you know, nothing that they're never tried before. Old tricks worked just fine for them.

The grief was bad. I didn't even know why I'm crying. Bad sobs, like those people who choke when they cry. Tears just couldn't stop. Images flashes in your eyes. Sometimes good ones, some times it's just plain raw fear. Good ones when I thought of the victorious war, the glory that went to the country, when we can call up the rain and the sunshine, when He brought us through, He keep reminding me how great He has been to me. How much has been invested into my life that now we can be warriors, so proud and standing upright with good ammu and guns and bombs. When He put those stripes on our sleeves and the solluting with some awesome army coolness. The bad when the fear creeps in. Those lil' things out there are still trying to hit us. We have to be so cautious and keep our sore eyes open wide. We don't know who's the next one on their list. Who is the next one they're gonna use against us. Who are they trying to send away. Which one is the next to be forced away and be lost.

Then it came the big one. I might be the next one. I don't even know what make me think that way. It's not like anything you can see or hear or anything physical. It's plain raw fear. And the grief. The sore heart and beaten spirit suddenly become so heavy like we've been in war for years but it's just not ending. Those heavy load are the same but it seems like it's getting heavier. I would just cry, not knowing what I'm crying for. It's worse than normal sadness. That's why they call it depression. Grief, nothing more. You don't know what cause it. It's just tears.

It's like the rain, dark skies grey. We don't know where it comes from, or when will it end, sometimes it goes on for so long we even forgot when did it start. And we get so numb that we don't know anything about it but it just sad to see it rain. And I was just about to be drowned by the grief and the rain.

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"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." Elizabeth Kubler-Ross