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Monday, December 18, 2006

They Teach You Safe Sex, But They Don't Teach You...

"And the sixth day God made man, and on the seventh day he rested, and on the day after that God made woman. From that day forward God and man have not since rested."-The quote on the conduct referral written by the Nun for "blasphemy" by Grey Fox in sixth grade religious studies class that for some reason was undertaking the sexual education component.Yeah my sex ed experience, nuns, those fat no sex having penguins teaching me after sex. Actually is was more about abstaining till marriage, or doing the priest or nun thing. You have to love that recruitment pitch they slip in there. The pinnacle of that farce was that one of the nun's passed out pledge cards for us to sign and keep. This pledge card was a contract with God that we would abstain from sex until we were married, and we were to read it when we felt the "urge." I had my reasons for not signing the card first, if I truly believe in being abstinent I don't need a card for something my religion would require. Second having firmly come to terms with being human I knew that at some point I was bound to fuck up, that thing I want to do is top off pissing off my creator by breaking the no nookie rule by violating a contractual agreement. Of course my classmates jumped on the bandwagon and a couple found out that I didn't sign. They started to pitch the no nookie clause to me, but I wasn't down with the Cool Aid they were passing out. Of course like sixth graders the next big "event" would make them forget all about this. Just my luck, or the nature of the beast a few weeks later one of the girls let it spill that one of the guys she had been "dating" in my class could only get a 2 inch boner when she gave him a blow job. Bless that little whore, everyone dropped the pious routine and like jackals over a fresh kill they tore away at all the juicy details. Overnight a popular kid in my class went from A-list to Z-list, his reputation was destroyed and he would not get a date again till he was in high school in a different county....

See this is the shit they don't teach you in sex ed class. Sure they talk about safe sex, but they never talk about safe dating. The teaching will never tell the kids to watch this video or look at this diagram on how to keep a bitch's mouth shut after you do the deed. There are no seven warning signs pamphlets you are dating a gold digger or an attention whore, like there are with STDs. When it comes to these life lessons it gets left up to trial and error, so many people freak out and blush at the thought of telling their child about the act of sex, they forget about what has to happen in order to even make it up to that point. Some of you never got a teacher willing to take the time to give you a basic run through on this stuff.

BUT DON'T WORRY YOU GOT ME. First and foremost here are the types of women you should avoid:

"They Guys kinda Guy Girl:" This girl can pal around with any of the boys, goes drinking, talks about her sexual "conquests," she'll even suggest going to the strip club. While this sounds cool this girl is not. First she definitely has underlying daddy issues hence why she dives right into the guy stuff, at the worst she has gender issues that are slowly eating away at her psyche. Next no wants to hear some girl having so many sexual partners her vagina is now a clown car and who knows who's climbing out of that stretched out cock trap. For anyone woman not understanding what I am getting at if you are reading this part, here is how it works: Guys like to know that you like sex, not having sex with a ton of other guys, that we don't like.

The Prude and "The Prude:" The first is obvious, most of these girls are conservative on everything including sex. They are not fun, they are sour little creatures who frown on cutting loose. They are also the ones to make it harder on the rest of the women out there to want to express themselves sexually because these are the ones that start all those anti-male/anti-sex campaigns. The other is a fake prude, her fake piety and propriety makes her just a bad as the real thing, but deep down she is more jaded than a stripper. Trust me on this. They will seem to pure and to innocent, something won't feel right.

The Attention Whore and Gold Digger: Yeah brother these have a special place in Hell in my book. They are a pain in the ass who drain men of their money, time, and sanity because it feels so good for them to be the star of the show. They probably put out when they were 15 at the latest, they have been relying on their body to get them through life. Sure looks can get you pretty far but these monsters get their just reward when age and better looking younger women take them out of the game. These women are easily I.D.ed by the fact that they will have a bunch of guys in their lives, they hang out with someone different on the weekneds, and they never seem to pick one guy definately as the guy to be in a long term relationship with. They also have a habit of only wanting to do things that cost money and let them feel they are living the life.

But just like people you cannot just lump everyone into a group and expect them to fit neatly into a category, but there are definate warning signs that you should never be afraid to say to yourself that you may need to get out before it ends up costing you:

She starts fights constantly, not even over couples issues.

She tries to plan out what you do with your time.

She sees your friends as a threat.

She suddenly loses intrest in doing something if its "low budget."

She takes a non emergency phone call during a date and launches into a conversation.

You notice that there is another guy is "competing" for her, but she seems to keep things moving in a direction that neither signals you or him as her man.

She tells you about all her personal problems, she talks about all the gossipy junk in her life. Congratulations you are her emotional tampon.

She get jealous at the smallest thing.

She makes a habit of talking down to you or she thinks she is the alpha in the relationship.

She keeps secrets from you.

She can't keep your secrets or the intimate details of your relationship quiet.

She has had 4 sexual partners that were random and definately questionable hook-ups.

She starts changing what you do and how you behave.

She pushes the relationship to move quickly, or she has an agenda or fixed timetable on how things should go.

She thinks she can decieve you.

If she causes you to doubt her....

The big thing about safe dating is that you are careful and diligent throughout the entire process. Even more so you need to be able and willing to end it with a girl or shutdown the relationship building process with her, meaning no more dating or contact. Because if a girl is that bad, she will sting you somewhere along the line even if you are just friends. Remember just because we were born at night does not mean we were born last night so don't let them think they can put one over on you. Do your homework and your good to go.

IN THE SPIRIT OF BEING A GOOD TEACHER, SHOULD YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS POST THEM IN THIS THREAD AND I WILL ANSWER THEM. WHAT YOU DO WITH THAT ANSWER IS UP TO YOU.