The Story

So I asked the only person I trusted – Google. After some hours of investigation, I now knew that it’s not a “disease” as some people believed it to be.

It all started with me watching a James Bond movie and a sex scene was going on in the story. I was like, “He looks good. He’s really handsome. Damn! He’s hot. Wait, why do I think he’s hot? Aren’t boys supposed to find girls, hot? Oh fuck! AM I GAY? That’s not a bad thing, right? Should I talk to somebody? Probably.”

So I asked the only person I trusted – Google. After some hours of investigation, I now knew that it’s not a “disease” as some people believed it to be. My first instinct was, let’s see what my mother thinks of this. So I tried to casually discuss a number of topics and then I slowly moved on to LGBT. And I got the reaction, which I was expecting. She completely rejected it. Well I don’t wanna say it, but my parents are totally homophobic.

After two years, I realised I didn’t want to lead a married life. Now started the rejection phase – Why couldn’t I be more normal? My parents were already stuck on the idea of getting me married. They were coaxing me that “You gotta continue the bloodline” lecture and shit like that. And here I was making plans to be a bachelor forever.

Right now, I’m pursuing my petroleum engineering (No, they didn’t force me to do engineering; it was my choice. Why do people think that every student is forced to do engineering?). I still think, what am I gonna do after my graduation? I mean what am I supposed to say when my parents ask me to marry? I need to have some argument and “I’m gay” can’t be the one. Because believe me, if I tell them that, they’d literally disown me. And I’m happy being in the closet with my parents still thinking of me as their son than coming out and being alone. But I also thought, what the fuck am I supposed to do? How do I date? How do I fall in love? The most promising and easy option was online dating. There were all kinds of people who wanted a blowjob, an ass to fuck, or were giving their ass but none who just wanted a boyfriend. I mean they did say that, but just after some exchange of information, they said, “So you wanna have some fun?”. I get it that you’re horny but then at least don’t write on your profile, “Searching for True Love!”.

I know, I’ll have to get into lots of fights with my parents for probably my whole adult life but all I want is that those fights be worth something. I am proud to be gay but that pride would amount to nothing if I fail to lead a life where I can fall in love, break my heart and fall in love again. And I don’t see that happening in our country’s current scenario. I know that there are lots of hurdles with being gay in India and I’m only focusing on the dating thing but you can’t blame me, I’m 17.

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Gaysi is a space where the Desi-Gay community comes together and shares personal stories, their triumphs and failures, their struggles and their dreams, their hopes and despair. And in doing so, gives other gaysis a sliver of hope too. More