Love Letters From The Apocalypse – Preface

November 8, 2010

The dead did rise.

People were right about that. I had heard rumors about what to expect from the Apocalypse or the start of “the end of days”. I never gave it much thought because I would have never guessed these paranoid nut jobs would be right one day. Well, they were “right”, but they were right in a coincidental way of being right. As far as any of us that have survived this first year of the Apocalypse, this is not God’s work and I haven’t seen Jesus yet.

That was the other thing I heard that would happen: Jesus would come back. I wasn’t the religious type before the Apocalypse, but I went to college and took a few theology classes in my day. We had to read the Old Testament and the New Testament. I also found out that Jews don’t call it the “Old” Testament. It’s just the “Testament” or whatever that is in Hebrew. Anyway, I never found the New Testament to be the attention grabbing page turner so many millions (billions?) have before and after me. I didn’t feel like it was saving my soul or imparting new wisdom to me when I read it. I skimmed it. I started reading it, but it’s boring and it became a skimmer.

The one thing that did stick out to me was the book of “Revelations” and the “Rapture”. There are a few paragraphs in there that have more action than most superhero comic books. Either way, I’m no historian or scholar on the subject. What I remember, Jesus was supposed to descend from Heaven on a golden chariot and lay to waste everyone except the chosen people. I was never clear on who was getting saved from skimming the rest of the book. Was it all Christians? Or did you have to be a devout Christian an operate a Facebook fan page to Jesus, be in charge of an after school youth group with matching t-shirts, or go to Appalachia and build a house for somebody? Did I have to light candles at church every morning? Not eat fish on Friday?

I don’t remember it too well, but I thought there was a point in the New Testament talking about camels walking through the eye of a needle. If I was supposed to save my soul through the teachings of this book then I was going to be damned for eternity. It was boring and confusing. And it doesn’t seem to matter because the long and short of it is Jesus isn’t here. The dead? Yes. Demons? Sure. A portal to what could only be Hell? Definitely. But I haven’t seen Jesus yet. He could be in Chicago or in Moscow, but I know he hasn’t step foot on the sandy shores of New Jersey.

Yeah, Jesus Christ is not in New Jersey. What else is new?

The dead did rise.

I remember hearing a lot of people predict that was the first stage of the Apocalypse. Still to this day, I’m not sure how many stages there are or what stage we are at, but that happened. Cemeteries became the first war zones. Eventually, the whole world became a war zone. There are people buried everywhere. How do you know there wasn’t a duel between two Indians in your backyard hundreds of years ago? How many people have excavated their own backyards? The dead are tricky like that.

Demons and Hellspawn came later. Flying ones, walking around ones, on all four ones, ones with tentacles, ones that spit acid. There are more varieties of demons than there were of ice cream flavors at Baskin Robbins. They’re like real life Pokemons. Remember that kid show? I never watched it, but I played the video games. Gotta catch ’em all. Each one has its own look and unique abilities. The uglies that lurk around outside are pretty similar. Instead of miniaturizing themselves to fit into a ball in my pocket, they hunt all that is living and feast on our flesh.

Why am I writing?

I started to think a lot about keeping a memoir of my experiences during the Apocalypse when approaching the one year anniversary of the “Apocalypse”. It is hard to pinpoint exactly when the “Apocalypse” started. It all didn’t explode one afternoon. There was no shining light or booming voice that announced, “This is the Apocalypse! Shit yourselves!” But even by my conservative estimate, it has been a year and I’m still alive.

The first few months felt like I was constantly running. I was just running for my life. To where? I don’t know. No where seemed safe. But, eventually, you get used to something. Humans adapt. People can get used to any routine or situation. We survive, until we don’t. There was all this horribleness going around and thousands of people dying by the day, but at some point people stopped being as scared and began fighting back.

The day an average suburbanite realized they could kill one of these walking nightmares was the day it became a war. We were now battling Hell. It got in a lot of our heads that we might be able to defeat the Apocalypse. It wasn’t the Biblical Rapture necessarily, it was more like World War 3. We were all soldiers now.

In all other wars, the grunts write letters back to their loved ones. “Dear Martha, The winter chill in Virgina is dreadful. I picture your smiling face and that of the children to keep me warm at night.” Guys get drafted or enlist in the Army. They run out and get married to their childhood sweetheart and then they all become Hemmingway over night. I never got that chance. This war just appeared in the streets and I was single.

Actually, I was more than single. I was in a bit of a rough patch in my love life. Plus, it’s not easy securing a date when there are zombies trolling the streets and everyone you know has been slaughtered by a pack of twenty foot fanged demons. Plus the internet is down, so there’s no OkCupid, Match or eHarmony anymore. Nevertheless, that doesn’t stop me from remembering and regretting the missed opportunities I had with love before all these shenanigans.

I still dream. When I do get chances to sleep, I still have sex dreams and boring dreams just like before. I try to think back on these girls that I have “loved” or really liked a whole lot through my life and how I wish at least one of them was here with me for a day. Hey, I’m a guy. After a year of battling what must be Satan’s army, a threesome with two girls I went to college with doesn’t seem to be asking too much.

These letters will be addressed to each and everyone of you. In all likelihood you are dead. Seriously, most people are. It’s the Apocalypse! But I do hope you are alive and have some how survived day-to-day like I have. It will be a nice exercise for my mind to write about this living nightmare, but to think of you girls that have left an indelible impression on me. Generally, I think of you or all of you or some groups of you when there is the rare opportunity for me to jerk off. This will be a little more romantic than that.

So, where do I begin?

I am 32. I am single. I live in New Jersey. I am a college graduate. I have killed 112 demons and I hope I survive tomorrow.

4 Responses to “Love Letters From The Apocalypse – Preface”

I am utterly confused. I thought ur book was about terrorism at mork with wolves but now there are zombies and also you have time traveled to the future and are 32 now. I think you should pick one book and write it and stop dicking around with the new testament and zombies.

Despite all that this is still good. But I have to keep breaking you down slowly so I won’t say too many nice things about it

I’m trying to decide whether this chapter isn’t a subtle dig at us common-taters, aka “Each and every one of you”, for being a bit dead on the internet of late.

Having said that, I don’t care, because zombie/demon apocalypses are funny and horrific and that’s the kind of mood I’m in. My book club is meeting today to discuss Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, so it’s fitting really.

I do enjoy your writing style, too. And despite laying dead on the internet recently I do still read here. So there!