I am NOT a doctor, dietician or expert. Do I know everything there is to know about diabetes? Heck no, but I do know what it’s like to live with it.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Memories

The First Time I… Write a post about
the first time you did something. What is it? What was it like? What did you
learn from it?

I don’t really remember the first time I check my blood glucose at
home but I have some memories from the early years. Back then, testing my glucose felt more like
a test of me as opposed to how my
body was reacting to the food I was eating.
Believe it or not, I still have every “glucose diary” for all 7 years
since my diagnosis. I still track all my
glucose readings in an Excel spreadsheet and I’ve saved them all. It’s enlightening to look back at my
numbers. The first month of my diagnosis
was pitiful. The spreadsheet is chock
full of high numbers; even a 200 fasting.
The comments I entered showed how hard I was trying to explain my numbers,
as if I was going to be judged by someone.
Comments like: I was camping, or we were on the road were almost pleas
to someone not to think badly of me.
That someone was me.

I do have one vivid memory from that first month. We were camping and I was determined to “be
good” regardless of my whereabouts. My
fasting reading was 185 and I burst into tears.
The next day it was 200! I was so
depressed because I was failing.

At some point, those of us who deal with diabetes have to come to
the realization that we can only do our best and we can’t be hard on ourselves
when things don’t work out. There are so
many other factors at play that we just can’t foresee or even know about! Maybe our liver and pancreas aren’t speaking
today. Maybe there are other hormones at
play. Maybe the freakin’ moon is out of
alignment! Sometimes we just don’t know
what is causing glucose issues. The
bottom line is that we need to do the best we can every day. We need to remember why we are pricking our
fingers countless times. We need to
remember that it’s worth all the fuss.

As I said, in the beginning my glucose testing seemed like it was
a way to judge me. I don’t feel that way any longer. My glucose testing is a way for me to keep
track of what’s going on in my body and how it’s reacting to the food I give
it. It’s a way for me to adjust what I’m
eating so I can improve those numbers.
It isn’t a test of me. It never means
that I have failed, although It might sometimes mean that I need to get back on
track. This is a comment taken from my
Aug. 2005 glucose diary, only 2 months after my diagnosis:

“struggled this week for the first time. I just didn't want to be a diabetic
anymore. Got over it. Kicked myself in
the rear and moved on. :-)”

2 comments:

you put into words what so many diabetics feel each time they test their BG. like it's a test of ourselves. a test we fail when the number isn't what we want it to be, what our doctors say it should be. we need to remember, like you said, that it is a test of our "bodies reaction to the food we've eaten", and go from there. Kate, you are one smart low-carb cookie!!

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