I'm new here and it was nice to find place like this. I have been writing to the board there this topics are discussed but majority of the writers there are women. It's for both genders and very nice place, but there is not many men there. Still it's the only one in my native language. I hope you can forgive my bad English and try to understand what I'm trying to say.

I remembered what had happened to me as a child few months ago. Or maybe remember isn't the right word. I wasn't forgotten it, I just refused to think about it many years. This few months has been quite difficult time to me.

Well, I just wanted to tell that I'm very happy to find this place. Maybe I will write something more sensible next time. It's very difficult get started telling this things to anyone.

Breaking your silence is a very difficult first step and you should be proud of yourself for doing that. I am very glad that you found this place, although the reasons why we have to be here are terrible.

I hope that you find this to be a supportive, caring and safe environment.

As I am sure you know from reading some of the previous posts, there are a lot of us who had "forgotten" the sexual abuse we suffered in childhood. And, of course, most of us didn't remember these horrors until we were ready to deal with them. We just buried them until that time.

I don't know what your native language is, rekox, but I think you've done just fine. If I had to communicate in another language (including a couple I have studied!), I don't think I could do nearly so well. Congratulations to you.

I'll tell little more about my abuse and myself. I'm 28-year-old male from Finland (Finland is in Scandinavia, in the North Europe.) Like I said English isn't my strongest language. (In fact it's my third language and I don't write it very well. I understand much more but expressing myself is more difficult, but I will try.) I'm not sure when my abuse began. First I thought that it started when I was four or five, but just few days ago I was looking old photos and realized that it started much earlier. First time I now remember was when I was under two years old, but I don't know if it was the first time or not, maybe not.

Abuser was my stepfather who arrived at my life when I was under one year old. I have never met my biological father so he was and is only father I have had. Outwards our life looked good I guess. Stepfather was wealthy and successful. I was a good kid. Good in school and I had good hobbies, there I did well. We were "the perfect family".

No one ever saw my emergency. Only once one of my hockey coaches ask if everything was OK. Of course I lied that it was and he let it be.

My abuse was psychical (or is emotional right word in English?), physical and sexual. It usually happened so that I was first punished for some misdeed (real or made up, he had so many rules and they change so often that it was impossible to obey and if I manage he just made up some reason to punish me) then he beat me until I "change his mind" (it was, asked him to rape me) if I tried to be tough and take the beating he just got tired and raped me after all.

My mother knew about the beatings and I'm quite sure (99%) that rapes also. She did nothing to save me. Sometimes she comforted me afterwards but did nothing to prevent or finish those things. It went on till my teenage. After rapes and beatings stop I tried to forget them and I was quite successful in that. I never really forget but I managed not to think about it.

I got my life in order (education, marriage, good job, friends and so on) and everything went fine. Until few months back I began to have more nightmares and some other symptoms. After that everything came back. I can't anymore act like nothing happened. I don't like it very much. It would be much easier to just be like nothing happened but I don't have a way back anymore.

You expressed yourself very well, i understand what happened, and i am very sorry that you had to live with those people.

My heart goes out to you, keep coming back, keep writing and letting it out, ok? it will get better, i promise.

Safe hugs to you,,

John

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I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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