Since I’ve been doing ‘dharma work’ I’ve felt stuck. Stuck in the sense of not being able to perform tasks using the talents that I know I have, as is evident in some of the things I’ve done in the past.

I’ve fallen into a haze of laziness, I’m not using my brain. I’ve always heard of people talk about the monotony of secular, or more specifically, capitalistic life. When you’re in the same job for a while, you get used to your assigned tasks and then lose your creative ability in dealing with life and other unfamiliar situations. This is what’s happened to me, my previous job was too specific in the tasks that I had to perform and those that I wasn’t even to go near. And guess what…I’m the one who set up the systems in that company! In keeping with the society I have been raised in, I designed a system that effectively increased output through the specialisations of certain roles within the company. Those that deviated from the system were gently but firmly reminded as to their place within the overall structure.

Specialisation… is an aspect that capitalists love. I don’t, in any way, mean to say that it’s a negative thing but the way it’s used and enforced in certain sectors of society leads me to believe that it does indeed have its effects on individuals. Yes, production and output is increased to meet demands but to what extent? How does it affect a person’s ability to think effectively? Produce this first and your done, move on to the next and when that’s finished pass it along the line.

How do I get out of this rut and get back to where I know I can be? Should I hang on, learn, unlearn and relearn?

Kindness is something that can be unintentional. Smiling out of habit when passing someone on the street may seem trivial but it can greatly impact people. This happened to me today. Most times, however, it’s intentional. What really amazes me is how kind the people that are constantly around me here are. There’s a group of people who have gone out of their way to make me welcome here. I just wanted to say that I’m extremely grateful for all your help and support, you know who you are.

Of the Eightfold Noble Path, Right Speech is something that Buddhists are supposed to adhere to. I know that most of us aren’t enlightened and we’re trying to live in the correct manner according to the Path but if you’re not mindful enough to watch what you say and its effects, how are you supposed to train in the higher trainings and REALLY change your mind?

If you want to talk about me, that’s fine. Just as long as I don’t know about it. If you want to talk behind my back, I don’t really care as long as it doesn’t get back to me. What’s even worse is if you talk about me in my presence but think it’s OK as I don’t understand what you’re saying. But if I didn’t know, then I wouldn’t be writing this would I?

Were you mindful enough to realise what you said or even that you said anything at all can affect others? Words disturb minds! We have enough suffering in Samsara as it is. Why add to it? Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way the poster child for mindfulness of speech. But I don’t think I would do that and if I did, I would sincerely regret it. I’m supposed to respect you since you have more dharma knowledge then I do, but how can I do that if you don’t follow what you preach.

But I’m a student of my own mind, so I need to let go of it. But that’s harder said than done, especially since it’s so blatantly in my face and I’m only just feeling like this place is my home.

Haven’t written anything for a while, but thought i should use this as my own personal diary. I’ve started working full time at Kechara House in Malaysia. Been here for almost a week now. I knew that Dharma work would be hard work but seeing just how hard people work here makes me feel like it’s even harder than working in a ‘normal job.’ It’s busy and it seems that people are always being pushed to get things done to ensure the stability of the organisation. I guess that it’s worth it compared to a normal materialist job, at least they are trying to accomplish something spiritual.

“…arousing bodhicitta is the quintessence of the eight-four thousand methods taught by the Conqueror. It is the instruction to have which is enough by itself, but to lack which renders anything else futile. It is a panacea, the medicine for a hundred ills. All other Dharma paths, such as the two accumulations, the purification of defilements, meditation on deities and recitation of mantras, are simply methods to make this wish granting gem, bodhicitta, take birth in the mind. Without bodhicitta, none of them can lead you to the attainment of perfect Buddhahood on their own. But once bodhicitta has been aroused in you, whatever Dharma practises you do will lead to the attainment of perfect Buddhahood. Learn always to use whatever means you can to make even the slightest spark of Bodhicitta arise in you.” (p.221)