June 11, 2010

what is the deal with this scrapbooking thing?

(I made this page back in April but hadn't yet shared it. It's sweet Carlee trying to learn how to whistle like the adults around her were doing. So dang cute.)

So I remember, when this was so FUN. Like, fun with lots of exclamation points and it was so neat to meet so many different people online who also found it fun. But I think... since about the beginning of 2009, it stopped being so fun. It became this kind of over thought thing. That I did. Or maybe didn't do sometimes. Was it creative enough? Is it artistic?Is it crafting?Is it art?Is this page deep enough... or am I just wasting my time on silly stuff.My journaling isn't very deep. This isn't emotional - I get better responses it seems when I'm emotional.Is it all just a waste of time, vain, wasteful, etc. etc.?Yuck.I love taking photos. I always have. I love creating and making things. I always have.I used to dream about art school and making thought provoking, emotional and meaningful pieces of art. But I got caught in a self defeating, waste of my thought process, critical state of mind.And let it slip. I was just happy to get out of high school. Eventually I started studying photography again.Then art journaling again.Then found scrapbooking!And I loved it so much. Documenting things. Taking photos, taking fun supplies, pulling them together. And my family would say "this is so artistic!" and my niece would say "I love your art!".And when it's them I just feel flattered but when it's the rest of the world.... well, what are these pages that I create? Just silly little crafty things, just cute little pages, she's not really doing anything, she's just scrapbooking. She just scrapbooks now. It feels like every time I create a page these days, I'm terrified that it isn't right. There isn't enough paint. Not enough emotion. This is just a waste of time. Nobody will like it. What a silly topic to create a whole page around. The design teams and assignments and deadlines -- they were not, are not the problem.I let myself feel this way. I let that insane voice stop me from creating or suck the joy out of it. I have a creative voice, and even within certain parameters, I can use it. I have to choose for myself, when things are working. When they're not. I have to embrace how I create and stop criticizing it to death. And I have to start letting go when I need to let go. Because on the one hand, it's just scrapbooking. Or art journaling (which I haven't shared with anyone in almost 2 years). Or collage work that I'm doing for a class I'm taking. (Some day I will get my degree, but you know... there are some terribly interesting classes out there I just don't want to miss! I have enough electives taken for about three other people probably.)But on the other hand. I love it. I really love it.

I'm going to try, to find the fun again. And embrace it. And let go of it. And share it! I'm going to try. I hope some of this makes sense, I tried to keep it all mostly sensible- but we all know that my blog posts can be mostly word vomit sometimes. :)Have a gorgeous weekend - I've got lots of naps, cleaning house, meals, meals, and more meals AND a morning trip to the farmer's market in my plans.

Comments

(I made this page back in April but hadn't yet shared it. It's sweet Carlee trying to learn how to whistle like the adults around her were doing. So dang cute.)

So I remember, when this was so FUN. Like, fun with lots of exclamation points and it was so neat to meet so many different people online who also found it fun. But I think... since about the beginning of 2009, it stopped being so fun. It became this kind of over thought thing. That I did. Or maybe didn't do sometimes. Was it creative enough? Is it artistic?Is it crafting?Is it art?Is this page deep enough... or am I just wasting my time on silly stuff.My journaling isn't very deep. This isn't emotional - I get better responses it seems when I'm emotional.Is it all just a waste of time, vain, wasteful, etc. etc.?Yuck.I love taking photos. I always have. I love creating and making things. I always have.I used to dream about art school and making thought provoking, emotional and meaningful pieces of art. But I got caught in a self defeating, waste of my thought process, critical state of mind.And let it slip. I was just happy to get out of high school. Eventually I started studying photography again.Then art journaling again.Then found scrapbooking!And I loved it so much. Documenting things. Taking photos, taking fun supplies, pulling them together. And my family would say "this is so artistic!" and my niece would say "I love your art!".And when it's them I just feel flattered but when it's the rest of the world.... well, what are these pages that I create? Just silly little crafty things, just cute little pages, she's not really doing anything, she's just scrapbooking. She just scrapbooks now. It feels like every time I create a page these days, I'm terrified that it isn't right. There isn't enough paint. Not enough emotion. This is just a waste of time. Nobody will like it. What a silly topic to create a whole page around. The design teams and assignments and deadlines -- they were not, are not the problem.I let myself feel this way. I let that insane voice stop me from creating or suck the joy out of it. I have a creative voice, and even within certain parameters, I can use it. I have to choose for myself, when things are working. When they're not. I have to embrace how I create and stop criticizing it to death. And I have to start letting go when I need to let go. Because on the one hand, it's just scrapbooking. Or art journaling (which I haven't shared with anyone in almost 2 years). Or collage work that I'm doing for a class I'm taking. (Some day I will get my degree, but you know... there are some terribly interesting classes out there I just don't want to miss! I have enough electives taken for about three other people probably.)But on the other hand. I love it. I really love it.

I'm going to try, to find the fun again. And embrace it. And let go of it. And share it! I'm going to try. I hope some of this makes sense, I tried to keep it all mostly sensible- but we all know that my blog posts can be mostly word vomit sometimes. :)Have a gorgeous weekend - I've got lots of naps, cleaning house, meals, meals, and more meals AND a morning trip to the farmer's market in my plans.