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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Life after college?

I feel...lost. I have no idea what I want to do after I graduate, and it scares me. I really think I could grow into choral conducting, but I'm also really starting to enjoy directing. I feel like I have to pick one, and I don't know which one to choose. I don't want to choose either of them, really. I want to be really great at both of them, and study both of them after I graduate. But...that's the way college is. In undergrad, you're pretty good at a lot of things, and then in grad school, you become excellent in just one thing. That's the way the process works. But you know me. The way things have always been normally isn't good enough for me. And another thing is, I'm just too preoccupied just getting through the week to think about what I'm going to do in a year...a year...I graduate in a year from this coming December. That's really scary. I'm more scared than excited. I'm scared to be thrust into the real world with no real clue about what I'm doing. At least education majors have a goal: get a job, be a teacher. The only thing left to decide is where. But for me, I'm still trying to figure out the what. And I hate that. I've never really been certain about what I want to do with my life, my ultimate career goal. It's changed so much over the years, and I've never been like, "oh my gosh, I HAVE to do this!" It's always been just a neat idea that I might be able to do. I don't think that means I have no goals, or no ambition. I'm just really torn. I'm good at more than one thing, and so obviously that makes it harder to choose. My parents have always assured me of that, all the way from when I was in high school, agonizing over what to study in college, which of course affected where I wanted to go to school. They told me that it's okay to not know. It just means you like and are good at more than one thing, which is good.

But none of this helps me figure out my life. And that's the depressing part.