The 25 Best Jokes In The World

Gird your sides for a rip-roaring hysterical hit list, assembled without recourse to taste or decency

Gird your sides for a rip-roaring hysterical hit list, assembled without recourse to taste or decency

Howl! as Garry Shandling delves into his 'personal stash' for us. Snort! at Steven Wright's favourite funnies! Guffaw! at Jerry Seinfeld classics! And gird your sides for a rip-roaring hysterical hit list, assembled without recourse to taste or decency from the grandest old masters and hippest young gag slingers.

Steven Wright
“I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’”

“If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?”

The late great Mitch Hedberg
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.”

“I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”

Louis CK’s best joke
“Why can’t we have racism that’s ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, ‘Those Chinese people, they can fly! You know about the Puerto Ricans… they’re made of candy!’”

Ronnie Barker
“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’ The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’ And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’”

David Baddiel
“Belinda Carlisle sings, ‘We dream the same dream.’ But I can’t believe that every night Belinda Carlisle has a wet dream about Wilma Flintstone.”

Dave Attell
“A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body.”

Jerry Seinfeld: The quintessential routines
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.”

“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’”

“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”

“According to most studies, people’s No.1 fear is public speaking. No.2 is death. Death is No.2. Does that sound right? This means, to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

Jimmy Carr
“If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?”

“My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’ Until the accident."

“A big girl came up to me after a show and said, ‘I think you’re fatist.’ I said, ‘No, no. I think you’re fattest.’”

Garry Shandling reveals his private stash!
“I was in bed with this woman and she said, ‘Hey, not in the ass.’ And I said, ‘Hey it’s my thumb, it’s my ass. If you don’t like it, go in the other room.’”

“I wrote a suicide note once and it said: ‘I’m not mad at anybody, this is just something I wanted to do for myself.’”

“I don’t like the word ‘f***’. I think it’s disrespectful and sort of has a bad connotation to it. So I was making love to this woman in the ass…”

Milton Jones
“I was walking along today, and on the road I saw a small, dead baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief.”

“I supplied Filofaxes to the Mafia – yeah, I was involved in very organised crime.”

“Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them. They don’t like that.”

“I’m very English, really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘How To Have Absolutely Nothing To Do With Your Neighbours’. Unfortunately, I was out when it was delivered.”