THERE WERE REPORTS OF RAPTUROUS CELEBRATIONS on the streets of Zimbabwe after evil despotic bastard son of a whore Robert Mugabe won the country's first election recount by an astonishing 134%. A Ruling party spokesman, John Angrishittabongo, brandishing a bloodied club and smelling of rum cited the result as "beyond doubt".

"This fact that so convincing is these winnings is that laws of mathematics are having to be breakings in the small pieces is putting to the beds all these nonsense that has being spoken." Mr Angrishittabongo said incomprehensibly this morning.

Suggestions that the recount are an attempt to re-rig the election so that Mugabe may hold on to power were rebuffed angrily by Mr Angrishittabongo, "I shit on your assertions sir, I shit on them from my arse!"

The electoral commission says it cannot publish the official presidential result until it completes the recount of presidential and parliamentary votes in the 23 disputed constituencies and ensure that "spoilt papers" where votes were explicitly not for Mugabe and his party would be "re-analysed and re-counted as votes for Mr Mugabe".

"Yes, even though I do tickings against other man I did actually mean to do the ticks for Mugabe, yes" one man confirmed from his hospital bed this afternoon.