8 Really Important Things To Discuss With Your Furniture

August 31, 2012

by Mia McKenzie

Ever feel lonely? Like there’s no one around to talk to, no one who can understand what you’re going through? Or maybe you have really important issues burning in your brain and you just can’t find anyone who will put the effort into a serious conversation about them. Well, fret no longer, friends! Because Clint Eastwood has figured out the solution to your problem! Just tell it to your furniture and other inanimate objects!

Here’s a list of possible topics you might introduce while kicking it around your house today:

1. Talk global warming with your microwave. I mean, who better to have an opinion on the effects of heat and moisture than a box of radiation? I’d go so far as to say that microwaves are the authority on the subject. It turns out that for the past several years scientists have been consulting microwave ovens on every topic from solar activity to greenhouse gases. Those little silver boxes know their shit! Don’t neglect to let the regular oven in on this conversation, too, if it wants to be included. Its perspective is also highly valuable. The houseplants might also have two or three cents to chip in.

2. Discuss abortion rights with your headboard. Think about it. What’s seen more baby conception than a headboard? All this time you thought it just banged against the wall while you were getting it on. Nooooooo! It was paying attention all that time and knows everything about the night you got pregnant, and it has a thing or two to contribute to the conversation. Mainly that you never should have fucked that dude in the first place once you found out he watches Bill Maher. Also, that you should have used a more reliable brand of condom than Jizz-Be-Gone. Listen and listen well.

3. Discuss a possible career change with the mailbox. It reads the paper even if you don’t, and has all sorts of useful info on trends and such. Make it a cup of tea and pick its brain.

4. Chat about disaster relief with your favorite empty picture frame. This is especially helpful if you are experiencing the aftermath of a natural disaster, because not only will the empty picture frame give you great advice about where to find clean water, it is also a great place to project images of your pre-disaster life! Remember when all you shit wasn’tburned up in that wildfire? Oh, good times!

5. Converse with your mop about urban sanitation. Obvi.

6. Discuss homeland security with your coffee table. Coffee tables are well known for their ability to judge the characters of people. They’ve spent enough time listening to conversations between friends and family members and colleagues over for a drink to be able to distinguish “militants” from regular folks. (Regular folks use phrases like “tell me about it!” and “I know that’s right!” while militants say things like, “please stop occupying my country and killing my people and I’ll give up trying to explode you.”) When in doubt of whether your new neighbor is a Muslim or just extremely beard-y, simply consult the old Noguchi Tribeca. The coffee table knows.

7. Get into it about the healthcare crisis with your doorknobs. They don’t really know anything about it, and in fact have incredibly incorrect information, but that just makes the conversation more realistic. You’ll feel like you’re talking to real Republicans!

8. Ask for love advice from your external hard drive. What? You thought that flashing blue light and whirring sound was just mechanical? Girl, stop trippin! That Firewire drive is trying to tell you something. Apparently, it thinks that femme you started dating is uber hot and smart and that you should stop acting all hard to get and stuff. ‘Cause femme on femme action is the new black!

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Mia McKenzie is a writer and a smart, scrappy Philadelphian with a deep love of vegan pomegranate ice cream and fake fur collars. She is a black feminist and a freaking queer, facts that are often reflected in her writings, which have won her some awards and grants, such as the Astraea Foundation’s Writers Fund Award and the Leeway Foundation’s Transformation Award. She has a novel debuting in the fall and has a short story forthcoming in The Kenyon Review. Her work has been published at Jezebel.com, and recommended by The Root, Colorlines, Feministing, Angry Asian Man, and Crunk Feminist Collective. She is a nerd, and the creator of Black Girl Dangerous, a revolutionary blog.