Healthy Sex Support Group

This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.

questions for guys

I've been married 20 years. We've had good sex, and passionate times, but I'd say in general the husband hasn't really had much of sex drive. Part of it, I'd say is stress, part of it is my being overweight (although he always says it's not an issue)- but I'm still cute and sexy, part of it is struggling to just stay married without killing each other. We had normal fluctuations due in frequency due to sleepless night with babies, or hormonal issues on my part- but here we are and everything is settling down- and I realized that he never wants it as much as I do. He will usually do it if I attack him but he takes so long and it's such an "event" that I don't want to do it too often anyway- but 2 or three times a week would be nice. He'd rather sleep. He doesn't come after me, it's almost planned- like if it's been a week then he makes himself do it- or if we have a date we do it- I know part of that is having kids but they don't sleep with us, the youngest is 9. I just feel so rejected all the time and wonder what's wrong with us- what's wrong with him- and I don't know how to fix it- we have talks but he skirts around the issue in a way that makes it useless to talk about. We've had marital problems and he certainly has issues- but I just ultimately want him to want me! So, guys, what do you think his deal is? Honestly- it's okay if you think he just isn't into me- I'd just like to know-
Thanks!

I have same as Medic but my Sig other has a very low drive. She says she loves me but just doesnt feel like it?? I am very hurt by it as well. I wish I went so long she was done and waiting!! When I was drinking nad smoking pot I had a hard time finishing but since I stop. I am too short, in my opinion.
It could be age?
I feel your pain in that I have tried to do the weekend in bed thing or cuddling to ensure mood enhancement nad it doesnt work which makes me even more sad...
Sorry, I doubt this helps but...

In your post, you said, &quot;honestly-it's okay if you think he just isn't into me.&quot; Well, maybe I'm putting too much of my past experience into this, but it sounds like this is what YOU think, or sense, and you know him better than I do. Ultimately, no one on this forum, just b/c we're guys has any idea about his feelings or motives, or the dynamics of your relationship together. While he &quot;skirts around the issue&quot; this is clearly something that is very important for you, so you need to find a way to have HIM tell you what's going on. Ever thought of couples' therapy, or at least figuring out a way to back him into a corner and making him talk (not a great image, but I'm just saying that, however it happens, you need to get him to open up). Good luck! --Chris

You're right, I do feel like he's just not that into me, and he won't come out and say the truth because we almost got separated last year and he's trying to hold our family together. It all feels like rejection, no matter what his excuses are- as logical as they are- and no matter what I say about anything he'll turn it around so that I start questioning what I really meant in the first place. We have been to therapy but it wasn't that helpful, he doesn't feel like it's useful to him so mostly I went alone. I guess I wanted to find out if there were other guys with similar issues and why it was that way- to try to understand. I do need to corner him and get it all out there- but we discussed it a couple of weeks ago and he disclosed nothing enlightening.

If it was up to me my wife wouldn't be safe. I would kiss her and hold her and make love to her and grope her and tongue her and on and on and on all damn day. I have a beautiful wife. And also it's not up to me. She has much less sex drive than I do or just doesn't find me attractive anymore...

Lonely, that's how I'd like my husband to be- of course, I'd probably get tired eventually, but I'd at least like to be wanted that much.
There have been times where I wasn't as into sex- when I had babies and was physically exhausted, when my hormones were all haywire with having babies and nursing, when I was overwhelmed with taking care of the household and he just sat on his butt watching tv, when we had issues and I was mad at him- now I don't care if I hate him I still can do it, but that's just maturity I guess!

I do want my wife that much despite the troubles we are going through, I would pounce on her like a sex cougar and not leave her alone until she was hugged, kissed, held, loved, sexxxed out. I adore my wife and think she is a lot sexier than she gives herself credit for. Part of my issue is I don't know how to make her feel how I see her which is as a beautiful and sweet woman with so much love to give and receive. I love her body and her and really, I would pounce on her constantly until I just couldn't do it anymore.

Honestly, it sounds like he isn't digging things and is simply feeling like he is &quot;going through the motions&quot; (been there, done that).....either he needs to man up and come clean, or .......you need to accept it if you want the marriage to work......otherwise, life is too short to regret anything and to live in denial or wondering &quot;what if&quot;?!?!

I do not know how old he is but I am wondering if age has a part in this...You are at the age where your sexual peak, statistically speaking, is peaking whereas if he is close to your age, his is waning. I have been married only 2 years so I cannot imagine what things are like after 20 and kids. #5 brings up a good point, if you are feeling this is your fault, I would imagine this may be reflected in your attitude and he could feel pressured. Pressure never helps performance. You say he is always tired..how much does he work? My wife is a doc and works 12-16 hr days, and I completely understand her not wanting to get it on when she gets home, doesnt prevent me from trying, but I am understanding...

He's 41, he's in good health- it hasn't changed much over the years except for it taking longer to arrive-
I don't pressure him at all about it, except to say sometimes that we need to have more sex and he'll agree, say I'm right and we'll try for a little while to put a little more zing into things. I decided last year that it was really important to me and I actively pursued him for weeks which helped- and we tried some new things that helped and got him more excited about things for a little while- but if I just lay back and let it go, he'd be okay with once every two weeks or once a week if he thinks about it. He has gotten up at 5am to be at work for 6am for 18 years. Then he'll work to 5 or 6. It's long hours, but you think he'd be used to it after all these years. His job is stressful because he works for a family business and it was promised to him and the salary, the respect, the promises never came through. I think it's an issue that has done him in and he makes excuses for his family. I do need to corner him and talk about it just to get it out there one more time, but I know exactly what he'll say- lots of excuses and promises to be better like I'm fussing, and I'm not, I'm just trying to figure it out. And I hear you on the being at my sexual peak- how ironic- sometimes it's like I'm in freaking heat, it's not fair to have a partner not there with you!

so...married 20 years, he is now 41, and you do not expect him to slow down? Hell Im 32 and feel my body falling apart. I cannot stay up like I once did while in college. I went out with the student workers at my job one night and felt like crap for a week:) If he is having issues at work, especially if it boils down to family vs you, then sure, I would think that is playing a role even if he doesnt realize it. I was in a really bad job once, paid so well, but it was tearing me up emotionally and my gf at the time told me to quit and she would find a way to support me while I found a new job...it was just that bad. I think work, providing for the family, etc, plays a lot into the stresses of the avg man's life, homelife, and sexlife...

I hear you max, but I'm 38 (not young or a perfect physcial specimin) and I'd be willing to stay up late or do whatever he wanted if he wanted to- because our relationship matters to me. I understand the stresses of life- I'be been a working mother for all these years- I guess maybe I have more life in me than he does- the older I get the more I want to do, the better I want to get, the more I want to change- not to just decompose in my recliner. I don't mind him slowing down- he's just never really been into it(sex) or the relationship as much as me, although he always claims it means a lot to him.

It's probably just stress or a lot on his mind. Those of us men with with low sex drives (not me) are a lot like women with low drives. It takes mor to get them going and when something is on their mind, they can get aroused and hard, but their mind really isn't into it to allow orgasm. Sounds like maybe the two of you need to take a little vacation or send the kids to aome family for a night or two and do some rekindling.

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