Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "girl fight at club after she gets banned." Tonight's commentator: Twitter's ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER, aka @Zodiac_MF, who offers a very special review of footage shared with the world by YouTuber "WEED SMOKE."

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I AINT GONNA BULLSHIT AROUND IM GONNA TELL YOU STRAIGHT UP THAT THIS VIDEO KINDA BLOWS. WHEN HICKEY SENT ME THIS SHIT I WROTE BACK AND SAID YOU KNOW WHAT HICKEY THIS VIDEO FUCKING BLOWS. AND HE WRITES BACK AND HE SAYS TO ME HE SAYS YOU KNOW WHAT ZODIAC YOU CAN GET JUST AS DRUNK OFF POPOV AS YOU CAN JOHNNIE BLUE. I WAS LIKE MOTHERFUCKER IM ALREADY DRUNK BUT FINE FUCK IT ILL JUST DO A QUICK RECAP THEN EXPLAIN WHY IT SUCKS BALLS AND OFFER A FEW SUGGESTIONS AS TO HOW IT CAN BE BETTER. LIKE SO

OKAY SO ITS NIGHT TIME OUTSIDE THE CLUB AND WERE RACING UP THE SIDEWALK ON CHICKS SQUABBLING ON THE STREET. NOW RIGHT AWAY OUR CAMERAMAN SOUNDS PRETTY FUCKING UNENTHUSED ABOUT SHIT HES ALL MUTTERING WORLD STAR HIP HOP WORLD STAR HIP HOP INSTEAD OF BELTING THAT SHIT OUT WITH PROPER FUCKING REVERENCE AND ARDOR. ITS LIKE HE ALREADY KNOWS THIS SHITS A DISAPPOINTMENT. SO HE SHOWS UP ON THE SCENE AND GABBY SIDIBES GOT SOME LITTLE KID IN SOME KIND OF REVERSE NECKLOCK SHOVING HER FACE IN THE SIDEWALK I GUESS. OR FUCK FOR ALL WE KNOW SHES HOLDING HER HAIR BACK SO SHE DOESNT PUKE ALL OVER IT. I MEAN YOU JUST CANT TELL BECAUSE AS FIGHT VIDEOS GO THIS ONE SUCKS DICK

ANYWAY SO YEAH THATS MY SISTER THATS MY SISTER YOU DONT KNOW ME HOMIE YOU DONT KNOW ME AND MOTHERFUCKER MOTHERFUCKER IM OLD SCHOOL AND BLAH BLAH BLAH AND THERES A DUDE IN AN ASHIRT ACTING JUDICIOUSLY WHILE SOME GREAT BIG FAT FAIZON LOVE LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER PUSHES AROUND OUR 85 LB CHICA BUT EVEN THATS PRETTY TAME. LOTS OF JAWING LOTS OF RUBBERNECKING WHILE A BUNCH OF LOOKYLOOS STAND AROUND DOING JACK SHIT AND THESE CHICAS ARE SLURRING AND HUGGING EACH OTHER LIKE A COUPLE OF DRUNK FUCKS. ANYWAY WE FINALLY GET TO IT AND THIS FUCKING LANDBARGE IS POUNDING ON THIS LITTLE LUSH AND SHE GETS A FEW SOLID SHOTS IN BEFORE SIMONE FROM JACKIE BROWN TURNS UP TO RELIEVE HER BUT IN THE END OUR PINTSIZED DRUNKY FIGHTS HER OFF AND STANDS TALL

THATS THE RECAP. HERES WHATS FUCKED UP:

1. AMBER STREET LAMPS AINT ANY KIND OF LIGHTING FOR THIS SHIT. YOU NEED THE HARSH GLARE OF FLOURESCENT GAS STATION FLOOD LIGHTS OR THE SOFT SOOTHING GLOW OF DENNYS TASTEFUL INTERIOR LIGHTING OR BETTER YET BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT WHEN THE REST OF THE WORLD IS BEING REASONABLE. HERE WE GOT NOTHING BUT INKY DARKNESS PISS YELLOW HAZE AND THE SMEARING HEADLIGHTS OF PASSING CARS AND ITS JUST A FUCKING MESS

AND IT AINT JUST AN EYESORE IT CAUSES A FUCKING HOST OF OTHER PROBLEMS. FOR INSTANCE IS ANYBODY EVEN FUCKING BLEEDING HERE? FUCK I DONT KNOW. WAS THERE ANY INCIDENTAL NUDITY IN THE MELEE? I CANT BE SURE. DOES THIS CHICA FIELDING THE BEATDOWN NORMALLY ROCK SOME PEASY HEADED 1983 RUN DMC SHIT OR WAS A WEAVE AFFIXED IN PLACE PRIOR TO THE FUCKING THROWDOWN? WE JUST DONT KNOW BECAUSE FROM A TECHNICAL STANDPOINT THIS VIDEOS FUCKED

LOOK WE ALL KNOW IT AINT HASKELL FUCKING WEXLER BEHIND THE FUCKING LENSE HERE BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS EVERYBODY RECORDING THIS TYPE OF SHIT IS GUNNING FOR A TOP SPOT ON YOUTUBE AND THATS A NOBLE GOAL. SO I SAY WHY HALFASS IT? ALL YOU ASPIRING FIGHT VIDEO AUTEURS DOWNLOAD A LIGHT APP OR BUY SOME NIGHT VISION SHIT AND CUT A PATH THROUGH THE DARKNESS SO WE DONT MISS A SECOND OF THE ACTION. OR BETTER YET HAVE THE LOW MAN IN YOUR CREW PACK SOME LIGHTING EQUIPMENT. I MEAN FUCK HES ALREADY PAYING FOR THE GAS SO WHY NOT UP THE BITCH FACTOR. AND FOR FUCKS SAKE WHEN YOURE OUT AT THE CLUB KEEP YOUR PHONE IN CAMCORDER MODE AT ALL TIMES. GET ON THE CLOCK MOTHERFUCKERS. SEE OWNAGE THROUGH FROM INCEPTION TO CONCLUSION. OR FUCK JUST MAKE IT A POINT TO HANG OUT WITH CRAZY MOTHERFUCKERS SO YOU CAN BE THERE WHEN THE SHIT JUMPS OFF INSTEAD OF WANDERING IN LATE LIKE SOME OLD FUCK AT THE MOVIE THEATER. BE PREPARED

2. THIS VIDEO COMMITS A HEINOUS CRIME AGAINST OWNAGE: THE SOCALLED VICTIM OF THE BEATDOWN IS LEFT STANDING AND TALKING SHIT AT THE END AND FROM WHAT I CAN TELL SHE ISNT ANY WORSE FOR THE WEAR. NOW THAT MIGHT BE THE WAY IT WENT DOWN BUT ITS ALSO A FATAL EDITING ERROR. NOBODY CLICKS ON A VIDEO LIKE THIS LOOKING FOR A SCRAPPY CHICK WHO WALKS OFF AN ASSBEATING AND EVERYBODY LEARNS LIFE LESSONS OR SOME SHIT. THEY WANT MORE. THEY WANNA SEE BLOOD THEY WANNA SEE BRUTALITY THEY WANNA SEE OWNAGE AND FAILING THAT THEY WANNA SEE A GOOD STORY OR SOME SHIT THEY JUST NEVER SAW BEFORE. WAY I SEE IT THERES TWO OTHER WAYS THIS COULDVE GONE TO ACCOMPLISH THAT

A. CUT THE VIDEO OUT AT THE 2:29 MARK. THAT WAY IT LOOKS LIKE THAT GREAT BIG FAT FUCK WHO LOOKS LIKE SHE CRAWLED OUT OF MY GRANDMOTHERS FUCKING CANDY DISH AND THAT OTHER CHICA WITH BLUE SEQUINS AND CROSSTRAINERS ARE GONNA TAKE TURNS BEATING HER FUCKING ASS ALL NIGHT LONG. YOU CUT IT LIKE THAT AND YOUR AUDIENCE WALKS AWAY THINKING HOLY SHIT I BET THAT LITTLE CHICA WOUND UP IN INTENSIVE CARE OR SOME SHIT

B. JUST KEEP ON FILMING TO THE POINT OF FUCKING ABSURDITY. WHAT HAPPENS THERE AT THE END? EVERYBODY JUST PACK UP THE FUCKING TENTS AND GO HOME? DID THEY JUST FINISH STOMPING HER FUCKING ASS AND WE DIDNT GET TO SEE IT? OR DID OUR PUGNACIOUS LITTLE CHICA SEND THOSE BIG FAT FEMALE PIGS PACKING WHILE SHE STOOD HOLLERING CHESTBEATING BULLSHIT INTO THE NIGHT LIKE ALONZO HARRIS? WHAT REALLY HAPPENS WHEN WE REACH AN OWNAGE IMPASSE? GIVE US THE REST OF THE FUCKING STORY HERE

3. CAMERAMAN TELLS ONE OF OUR SUBJECTS THAT HE AINT GONNA PUT IT ON YOUTUBE. NOW IN AND OF ITSELF THATS PRETTY COMICAL BECAUSE ONLY A FUCKING DUMBASS WOULD BELIEVE THAT BUT IT ALSO MISSES A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY. WHAT IF AND JUST BEAR WITH ME HERE BUT WHAT IF OUR CAMERAMAN HAD SAID WELL SHIT YEAH THIS IS GOING ON YOUTUBE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK AND WENT ON TO FILM THIS MAD COWS REACTION. BECAUSE SEE I THINK EVERYBODY WHO WATCHES A LOT OF THIS KIND OF THING WONDERS HOW THE PARTICIPANTS FEEL ABOUT THEIR IMPENDING STARDOM. I MEAN HERE THEY ARE CAST AS THE LEAD IN EXHIBIT A OF THEIR OWN FUCKING CRIMINAL PROSECUTION AND THE SHITHEAD RECORDING IT IS NO FUCKING DOUBT GONNA IRFUCKINGREVOCABLY PUBLICIZE THAT SHIT ON YOUTUBE. AND YET SOMEHOW THE SUBJECT NEVER PARTICULARLY SEEMS TO GIVE A FUCK. ACTUALLY KINDA FUCKING MYSTIFYING WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT. I MEAN FUCK LAST I HEARD SNITCHES WOUND UP IN DITCHES. HELL IF SOME MOTHERFUCKER FILMED ME COMMITTING AGGRAVATED BATTERY ID SNATCH THAT IPHONE AND BURY IT UP HIS FUCKING ASS. ANYWAY POINT IS OUR CAMERAMAN HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO PROBE THIS CONCERN FURTHER AND HE FAILED TO FUCKING DO SO. EVEN WORSE THAT HE APPARENTLY FAILED TO DO SO FOR FEAR OF RAISING THE IRE OF SOME FUCKING FAT CHICK

4. AND FINALLY THERES A TOTAL FUCKING LACK OF DIVERSITY. OBVIOUSLY YOU DONT NEED A RAINBOW FUCKING COALITION TO PUT TOGETHER A STREETFIGHT VIDEO BUT DIVERSITY OWNS. DIVERSITY PROVIDES FRESH VIEWPOINTS AND UNIQUE CULTURAL ENERGIES AND A SENSE OF INCLUSION FOR THOSE UNDERREPRESENTED IN THE GENRE. IN ADDITION DIVERSITY CAN LIVEN SHIT UP AND PROVOKE THOUGHT AND EVEN INCREASE THE QUOTIENT OF OWNAGE. IM GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN WITH THREE EXAMPLES:

A. HERE IS AN ALLTIME CLASSIC OF THE GENRE

THATS RIGHT THE INFAMOUS I AM A MOTHERFUCKER TRANSIT BUS BEATDOWN. THIS MASTERPIECE FEATURES UNFORGETTABLE CHARACTERS AND PACKS TWISTS AND TURNS TO RIVAL ANY FUCKING HOLLYWOOD THRILLER AND CULMINATES IN TOTAL FUCKING OWNAGE AND IT NEVER WOULDVE HAPPENED IF IT WERENT FOR TENSIONS BETWEEN DUMB FUCKS FROM DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS COMING TO A STUPIDASS BOIL

B. ON THE FLIPSIDE CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO:

HERE WE GOT SOME LOUDMOUTH ASSHOLE BRAGGING ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY HE MAKES IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING MCDONALDS GO FIGURE THAT ONE OUT. HES CLEARLY PISSING OFF EVERYBODY IN THE JOINT MOST NOTABLY THIS PASTYASS CHUCKY FINSTER LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER. BUT CHECK THE REACTION: INSTEAD OF THROWING DOWN HIS TENDRILS OF AGONY CARD LIKE A BOSS OUR MAN DUNGEONMASTER JUST KINDA PACES BACK AND FORTH STEWING IMPOTENTLY WHILE HIS BUDDY TRIES TO PUT JP MORGAN IN HIS PLACE. AND WHEN SHIT TAKES A TURN AND THE CUTE CHICA IN THE BOOTS STARTS HANGING ON MR WHITEFOLKS LIKE A FUCKING PIMP MEDALLION LOUDMOUTH ASSHOLE BECOMES SO FUCKING INCENSED THAT THAT SILVER TONGUE OF HIS STARTS CHURNING OUT ABSOLUTE FUCKING GIBBERISH LIKE I PISS BETTER THAN YOU AND THAT GAP IN YOUR TEETH IS BIGGER THAN MY DICK. DIVERSITY RAISES THIS VIDEO UP FROM SOME ZERO OWNAGE YOUTUBE BULLSHIT TO SOME ZERO OWNAGE YOUTUBE BULLSHIT WITH A GREAT DEAL OF SOCIOLOGICAL INTEREST

C. AND HERE WE GOT THE TRIBUTES FROM DISTRICT LIMPDICK TRYING AND FAILING MISERABLY TO BEAT DOWN A BLACK DUDE BEFORE BONING THE FUCK OUT IN THE BACK OF A FUCKING PICKUP TRUCK.

NOW BY OBJECTIVE STANDARDS THIS ISNT A GREAT FIGHT VIDEO BECAUSE IT WAS RECORDED BY A FUCKING SATELLITE AND MOSTLY THESE OFAY FUCKHEADS JUST DANCE AROUND THE PARKING LOT LIKE A BUNCH OF FUCKING RODEO CLOWNS. BUT HOLY SHIT THE FACT THAT ITS THREE SKINNY WHITE CANADIAN HICKS GETTING FUCKING OWNED BY SOME AWESOME SCREAMING TOWERING TERRY CREWS TYPE MOTHERFUCKER AUGMENTS THE OWNAGE FACTOR CONSIDERABLY AND TURNS WHAT WOULD BE A WEAK VID INTO A FROTHING FUCK YOU IN THE FACE OF LONG ODDS AND PERSECUTION. AND IF THAT AINT OWNAGE I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS

BACK TO MY POINT: IN THE VIDEO AT HAND WE DONT HAVE ANY OF THE SHIT LIKE WHAT I DESCRIBED ABOVE. ITS JUST A BUNCH OF BLACK CHICAS ROLLING AROUND ON THE SIDEWALK IN THE FUCKING DARK AND WHERE IM FROM THAT SHITS ABOUT AS SURPRISING AS DANNY TREJO PLAYING A FUCKING CARTEL ENFORCER. NOW USE YOUR IMAGINATION FOR A SECOND AND PICTURE FOR INSTANCE THIS SAME VIDEO FILMED BY SOME MANIAC SCREAMING YOUTUBE BITCH YOUTUBE BITCH RIGHT THERE UNDER GODS HOT SUN WHILE SOME 90 LB JAPANESE CHICA WITH A BUZZCUT FENDS OFF A COUPLE OF BUFFALO SIZED SWEDISH CHICKS BEFORE VICTORIOUSLY RAISING HER TINY BLOODIED FISTS TO THE SKY SCREAMING IN A MOTHERFUCKING RAGE WHILE A BUNCH OF PAKISTANI MOTHERFUCKERS EGG HER ON. ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU GOT AN ALLTIME MOTHERFUCKING CLASSIC IN THE REALM OF OWNAGE

And now, the rest of your Third of July Tuesday Night Fights:

• Impregnanted 'Mericans don't generally brawl in their neighborhood McDonald's. But this is Yonkers, where the same rules apply that govern the Baltimorean syphilis pits. (Start of violence, instantly)

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• 'Mericans don't throw BMX bikes at old heads, for the most part. But these guys do. Whoever these guys are. (SoV, 0:30)

• 'Merican etiquette holds that she should, in fact, be given "'xactly what tha fuck she wants." Ergo, these Southsiders are true patriots. (SoV, instantly)

• Your Stone-Cold-Killa Bald Eagle Intermission:

• Most 'Mericans don't kick their fellow 'Mericans in the face. These dudes ain't most 'Mericans. (SoV, 0:03)

• Street justice is, for the most part, frowned upon in 'Merica. But not in the Dominican Republic! (SoV, instantly)

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• In Philadelphia, where America declared its independence, that spirit continues to this day, where the ladies are free to brawl in the streets all Tyson like. (SoV, 0:05)

• If I'm not mistaken, at the 0:54 mark of "Big Woman's Fight In Yard," one big woman done tries to spit in the face of her fellow 'Merican. (SoV, instantly)

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• Your John Cena Proud-To-Be-An-American Interlude:

• A shantytown street fight that feels like it has a laugh track? That's so 'Merican. (SoV, 0:03)

• These Russians don't have the balls to put the axe and/or baseball bat wielded in a road confrontation to decisive use. Pussies. (SoV, never)