WARNING: Liable to spontaneously combust.

I was doing well, I really was. I was going to school and doing my work, getting good grades. This happens every year though. Its a miracle I've come so close to graduating. This year I went into my senior year with determination, one to do what I needed to AND then some.

I stopped going though. I slept through school and stopped caring. I threw all my determination and ambition out the window. All the hopes of going to college, my new goal is just to graduate at this point. I don't know why I stopped going, its really a combonation of things I think. I feel like I was trying to sabotage myself. So, at this point I am failing my classes, but I'm going tomorrow I think. HAHA, 5 hours from now. I should sleep. No time for sleep.

I really thought this year would be different - that I wouldn't just drop out mid-year of school. I thought I'd keep my promise to myself and become this "better person". What a load of crap that was. It was a false revelation, like I'd expected it to turn out to be. I felt like I was drowning, but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to give in to it.

I just find myself wondering why I try. I wonder why I'm not selfish enough to take my own life. I truly wish that rather than die to never have been born. That's what I wish.

I can lie to everyone and think of mass murder plans and hurt people/things around me, yet I can't take my own life. Pathetic. I need a fucking gun. Little to no effort required.

I think I want to cut again, to burn again. I'm gonna go try to sleep.

First of all, tag this thread as triggering.
Second, you really should take care of yourself, if you wount it will become worss
and then you will end up like i did, no education and completly worthless!
Try find a psychtriest so that he will help you to deal with the depression
and remember, depression is a desieas, its not your real life that you see threw your eyes

You should probably talk to a counselor at school and let them know you are having problems, That way they don't think you are just slacking off.. I would also recommend a good therapist!! It sounds like you have issues from your childhood. They can help you resolve those issues and learn how to cope better with life. Take Care!!~Joseph~

Just to let you know you're not alone. I'm now 23 without a job or education. But I'm planning to go back to study at university this year.. Take it easy, education is not your life.. there are more about life than work and study.. take your time to learn.