LAFD responds to 86% of fires 'before they even started'

Jon Regardie, editor of the Downtown News, has some Mobius Strip-inspired fun with the Los Angeles Fire Department's confusing messages about its response time on fire and ambulance calls. Excerpt from the story:

“For years the fine men and women of the LAFD, when not hazing rookies, have put out fires as quickly as possible. Our response times were historically meteoric. In 2005, according to data generated by the yeti that lives in my backyard, we responded to 86% of the city’s fires before they even started. I don’t understand why someone would question anything we have done. Ever.

“I know that some members of the political establishment are angry that budget cuts were made based on numbers they were not brilliant enough to comprehend. They’ve been hearing it up the wazoo from some of their flame-retardant constituents. So, once again, in the simplest language possible, something that even a goo-goo-ga-ga still-goes-wee-wee-in-its-diaper baby could get, I will explain how we calculate response times.

“Numerical orchestrations are assembled by collaborating the synaptic endodontic inebriation system with an aneroid barometer wielded by ZigBuck, the vampire who lives in my garage. We then embody a neuropteran conflagration of the star-spangled verisimilitude and put it through a synchrotron that has been multiplied by the inverse proportion of the panoply of the Mobius Strip.