Friday, 3 January 2014

A year of learning and growing

2013 has been an overwhelming year for me. With not as many ups as the downs. There is one thing about being in the downward curve. It is a great teacher. It teaches you things that you could have never otherwise learnt. It brings about changes - and those changes are for the better.

The whole of previous year has been full of disappointments. People have let us down; friends have turned selfish; situations took a u turn. No matter how much efforts we took, how many plans we laid down (for the immediate future, which was 99% to have happened) all fell flat on the face. 2013, we felt like a punching bag - punched every time in the gut. Even before we could gather our senses, there was another blow to us.

I am scared of uncertainty. I find peace in knowing what would or could happen. Probably that is why I ask Kiran a hundred times a day, "What time are you coming back?" Sounds maniacal, but that's me. The "don't know" factor freaks me out. Knowing the deal, preparing for the same and walking step by step on that plan, keeps me sane. I kind of like to be ahead of times and situations. Nothing disturbs me more than a change. Not that I am averse to changes. However the changes that suddenly came our way were mind boggling. We kept wondering what hit us that badly! It sounds exaggerated even to my own ears but there were enough twists that numbed us to the core.

Earlier turns of events (for better or worse) would aggravate me. It would disturb me to the extent that my whole day (and sometimes a whole week) would go sulking. These blows have hardened me somewhat. I have developed a thicker skin. I have learnt to shrug it off and stay indifferent yet connected. I am learning to find a solution rather than stare at the problem till my eyes burn.

From people point of view too, I am learning to be resilient. It is a work in progress to be lenient towards people. It is hard to let go, hard to forgive. I am getting there albeit very slowly. This in no way means I am to be taken for granted. I believe in giving people a benefit of doubt. That has helped me in attaining that peace of mind. Earlier I obsessed at the wrongs that people in name of friends, did to me. Now I submit it all to Karma. I allow them to get away with it because I believe that everybody's action has some reason behind it. Now even if that reason might not sound right to me, it was for them and hence they do what they do.

I used to be judgemental. I am again trying to chage that. Of course I cannot altogether stop forming opinions, but at least I can shut my mouth and keep them to myself. I have been on the other side and know how it feels to be judged for my actions and decisions, when others have no understanding of the situation. I know how it feels to listen to unsolicited advice when I know it is going to be a big wrong step if I followed. I believe in suggestions and not stubborn discourses. I believe in constructive criticism. It give the person a new perspective. Criticising for the sake of it or to feel superior brings in a lot of bitterness.

I didn't wait until the new year to form resolutions. This was an evolution that took time and experience. I did not force it upon me - it was forced by destiny.

I feel like I have grown up in many ways that I didn't in earlier years. It's like finding the pulse in my life. It's discovering myself in new light.