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Monday, February 13, 2012

Mark Svartz Guest Post: Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day: A Date Which Will Live In InfamyBy Mark Svartz,Author of I Hate You, Kelly Donahue

On
the night of February 14th, millions of happy couples around the world
will express their undying love for each other as they celebrate the
holiday known as Valentine's Day. Meanwhile, millions of single people
will be home alone on this night of romance -- in the case of girls,
eating pints of Haagen-Dazs while watching The Notebook and, in the case
of guys, fantasizing about single girls who are home alone eating
Haagen-Dazs while watching The Notebook.

Now, in theory, that
doesn't sound so bad. I like undying love. I like ice cream. I like
fantasizing. But for some unexplainable reason, I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY!

And
I know what you're thinking. Cue the obligatory antivalentinist
objections we've heard over and over. "It's manufactured romance!" and
"It's a fabricated Hallmark holiday designed to encourage
commercialism!" Well, sir, to those complaints I say, "Poppycock!" (And I
almost never say "Poppycock!" so you know I really mean it.)

First
off, who the hell cares that it's forcing people to be romantic? Woe is
me, for we have to endure a universally mandated day of kissing and
under-the-shirt-over-the-bra boob touching. Oh the horror! Sorry to
disappoint you, but Valentine's Day is no one's Vietnam. If you need a
day to gripe about, shift your objections to Flag Day. Forcing romance
is way less offensive than forcing flag.

And as for the ol'
anti-consumerism angle, I'd buy your argument, but then you'd probably
just yell at me for buying it. Honestly, I hate Valentine's Day as much
as the next guy, but not because of consumerism. Hell, I love
consumerism. I love it so much, I might just buy it some heart-shaped
chocolates. Sure, consumerism leaves a bitter taste in the mouth when it
comes to extravagant excesses like fur coats and heroin. But when we're
talking about positive, feel-good purchases like flowers, candy, and
humor novels that have been referred to as "demented and hilarious,"
"laugh-out-loud," and "a book that will be remembered for a long, long
time" -- consumerism is A-OK with me.

So, why do I hate
Valentine's Day? Well . . . cause I just do! It's just one of those
guttural reactions, kind of like how I despise black licorice, hairless
cats, and Pat Sajak. The heart hates what the heart hates. And since I'm
sure there are others out there who share this same innate disgust for
February 14th, I will now give you five irrefutable reasons to validate
your derision.

1. Indian Airlines Flight 605What
happened on this flight? Oh no biggie, it just crashed on Valentine's
Day in 1990, killing 92 innocent people. Why did it crash, you ask? I
dunno, maybe because of "Failure of the pilots to realize the gravity of
the situation and respond immediately towards proper action of moving
the throttles, in spite of knowing that the plane was in idle/open
descent mode." Hmm, sounds like a couple of pilots were too busy
celebrating this day of love to focus on not-murdering Indian people.
Thank you for crashing planes, Valentine's Day!

2. Rob ThomasIf
there was no February 14th, one Robert Kelly "Rob" Thomas would never
have been born in West Germany in 1972. And if Rob Thomas would never
have been born, the band Matchbox 20 would never have been formed. And
if Matchbox 20 would never have been formed, the song "3 A.M." would
never have been written. And if the song "3 A.M." would never have been
written, I would never have felt the urge to stab my eardrums with a
screwdriver every time I turned on the radio from February '98-July '99.
Thank you for ruining 18 months of my life, Valentine's Day!

3. Ras Marye of Yejju Marches into Tigray and Defeats and Kills Dejazmach Sabagadis in the Battle of Debre AbbayDo
you remember where you were on February 14, 1831? Well, if you were
Dejazmach Sabagadis, you'd be in Tigray, getting defeated and killed by
Ras Marye of Yejju in the Battle of Debre Abbay. And it would suck so
hard! Thank you for allowing Ras Marye of Yejju to march into Tigray and
defeat and kill Dejazmach Sabagadis in the Battle of Debre Abbay,
Valentine's Day!

4. ArizonaOn February 14, 1912,
Arizona was admitted as the 48th U.S. state, producing such notable
Arizonians as Republican Senator John McCain, The Family Circus creator
Bil Keane, and David Spade. Thanks for nothing, Valentine's Day! [NOTE:
If this piece runs in any Arizona papers, just on the off chance that
some of them are literate, let's replace Arizona with the equally
insignificant Oregon, which was also admitted as a U.S. state on
February 14th. And instead of the "notable" Arizonians, let's go with
such "celebrated" Oregonians as sportscaster Ahmad Rashad, Miss Teen USA
2003 Tami Farrell, and . . . hell, just go with Sally Struthers.]

5. The Day Love DiedFebruary
14th is supposed to be known for love, eh? Well I seem to remember it
as the day love died. On this day in 1989, boxer Mike Tyson and actress
Robin Givens officially got divorced, ending one of the most passionate
romances in the history of humankind. But you don't see that printed on a
greeting card, do you? You don't see I DIVORCE YOU stamped on any
heart-shaped candies. If a love as true as that of Mike & Robin
could fall apart on February 14th, the whole day is a sham. A SHAM!
Thank you for destroying love and turning a shy, harmless, pigeon
advocate into a raging, ear-biting, convicted rapist, Valentine's Day!

Note: Mark
Svartz is the author of a new novel, I HATE YOU, KELLY DONAHUE. This
humor piece does not reflect the true feelings of the author. He is in
fact a huge fan of the great states of Arizona and Oregon, as well as
the distinguished work of its citizens, particularly Ahmad Rashad and
his beautiful wife, Mrs. Huxtable. He also bears no ill will towards
accomplished musician Rob Thomas or Indian Airlines or actor and
ornithologist Mike Tyson. But as for Ras Marye of Yejju, he can go to
hell. Not cool, Ras Marye of Yejju! Not cool.