For Good Loving2016-11-21T16:32:30Zhttp://forgoodloving.com/feed/atomWordPressTarahttp://ForGoodLoving.comhttp://forgoodloving.com/?p=7202014-07-13T20:15:22Z2014-07-13T20:15:22Z Continue Reading »]]>One of the most prevalent forms of listening is done with the hopes to fortify our own preexisting opinion. One could say that it is, in fact, not listening at all. This lack of listening keeps us in the dark with the company of our own limited point-of-view.

If what someone is saying lines up with a belief we already have we consider them to be brilliant. If their opinions vary from ours we either checkout, consider the other to be foolish and/or try to convert their view all together. What is often over looked is that we don’t need to defend our point of view on something.

Lao Tzu is quoted saying, “Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know.” There is great wisdom in this saying. To have a deeper experience with this saying consider for a moment the following question: “Do you know what an orange tastes like?”.

When I ask this question to people in my practice it has always been met with the same response: “Yes, of course I know what an orange tastes like.”

The next task that is presented is much trickier. “Tell me what an orange tastes like”. People do their best to describe the experience of tasting an orange.

-“It’s sweet and tangy.”

-“It’s citrus-y and juicy.”

-“It’s tart and smooth.”

When asked how well they believe these descriptions cover they taste of an orange the answer is unanimous that the words fall short. When we know the flavor of something words do not describe it. When we know the smell of something no words will cover it. The same is true with anything we experience.

How do you explain an orgasm, falling in love, the loss of a loved one, or the feeling of betrayal? Words do not come close to illuminating what one experiences. While we can see it clearly in these examples, it gets much harder for us to come to terms that this is the same thing we do when we fight about being right in our relationships.

We forget that we do not have possession of the truth and misunderstand that our words will never encompass it. Just like the finger pointing at the moon is not the moon, so too our words are only pointers to what we are experiencing from our particular point of view.

When we begin to understand how limited our singular view on something is the need to be right becomes less important. We being to understand that the words we use to point out our stance in an argument is just as limited as the words use to describe the taste of an orange.

We can then begin to take a deeper, more encompassing look at the situation. We begin to take in others view points as not opposing sides but another angle on the same situation. No one who has tasted an orange would argue with any of the above descriptions, but they would also not be fooled by their personal attachment to the words they used to describe the fruit.

No words will ever encompass the truth, only point to it. Next time that you find yourself arguing with your partner, friend, family or whomever remember that taste of an orange and the words of Lao Tzu.

“Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know.” -Lao Tzu

]]>0Tarahttp://ForGoodLoving.comhttp://forgoodloving.com/?p=7182014-07-06T21:45:37Z2014-07-06T21:45:37Z Continue Reading »]]>The truly given gift will never result in loss. When the gift or acts we share in our relationship are truly gifts they cannot result in resentment.

What happens in many relationship is that we give something, not as a gift, but as a loan that is meant to accrue interest. We give something away to our partner hoping it will give us back something better. These interactions are subtle but have a very serious impact on the relationship.

The interaction might look like: I’ll make you dinner, if you thank me. It may appear as: I’ll work very hard and give money to you and our family but I need you to act in a particular manner (i.e. more sex, you must appreciate me). OR I’ll be patient but you must change.

We have the ability to give from two different sources: fear or love. When we give from a place of fear, we give from a place of seeing ourselves as incomplete or lacking something. We give a gift thinking that the other person has something of value that we need to obtain. This something of value may be something as simple as getting a thank you in return or having that person acknowledge you for your effort. Either way you are looking for something particular to come out of it.

When we give from a place of love we experience a very different interaction in the giving of a gift or performing of an action.

When we give from a place of love we give from a place of knowing our true complete nature. When we give from a place of love, we give and do not require a particular behavior. Love needs nothing. Love is whole and complete on it’s own. When we give from a place of love we are reminded of our own complete loving nature.

When love is the source of the giving we welcome any response without the slightest irritation. Giving from a place of love we are reminded of our wholeness.

Something helpful to remember:

If you are about to give something and you are not ok with every response that could come out of your choice to give it is sign that you are giving from fear and not love. Giving from fear equates to giving with the hopes of getting something back or giving with the hopes to fill a void that you perceive in yourself. Giving from fear is one of the surest ways to build resentment.

]]>0Tarahttp://ForGoodLoving.comhttp://forgoodloving.com/?p=7092014-05-06T17:52:08Z2014-05-06T17:52:08Z Continue Reading »]]>Go back to the moment in your memory that you can recall falling in love with your beloved. You may or may not currently be with that beloved at this moment but it makes no difference for this.

Something incredible happens when we first fall in love. When we first fall in love we have this incredible ability to see that person as they really are, our sight cuts through their childhood conditioning, their ego defenses and we can see their divine nature. When we get this glimpse of another’s light or their innocence beneath the conditioning of their form we are reminded of our own innocence and experience this incredible, marvelous lightness that we call love.

This love feeling is always coming from us. Its our own light that we recognize in another but we can be easily tricked into believing that the other person has the good stuff that we crave. This is when that old rascal fear begins to creep in again. This is exactly when we begin to experience the deliciousness of love sifting out of our relationship.

We become so afraid of losing this treasure that we have found that we squeeze on to it, trying to control so much that we crush the life out of it.

Allen Watts, in one of his lectures, talks about a little girl to whom someone gave a bunny rabbit. This little girl was so delighted with the bunny and so afraid of losing it that in the car ride home she crushed the bunny rabbit to death with love. So often we too do this same thing to the people we love.

One can hang on too hard to someone and so choke the breath of love and wild excitement right out of the relationship.

This is a technique people fall into with the best intentions. “I want my husband to look at me as if he could eat every bit of me.” “Want my wife to desire me in the most hopelessly breath-taking way.” So they begin to monitor and push and give “suggestions”, and threaten or remind the other of potential consequences if they don’t change their behavior.

They will do everything humanly possible to force this response they are looking for not knowing that they are slowly pressing the wildness, freedom, luscious desire and joy out of their connection.

Pleasure in its fullness cannot be experienced when one is grasping it. One must open their hands and give it space to flow in its own accord. By this it does not mean checking out of life and going through it like a robot. Rather, you are fully engaged without trying to control or determine the outcome.

You enjoy the caress of the wind, song of the bird and perfume of grass but never once did you ever have to tell them how to move, sing or smell. You must be fully engaged to experience wind, bird and grass but at the same time the experience is with an open hand, never grasping. You let go to experience pleasure. You let it go to keep it.

]]>0Tarahttp://ForGoodLoving.comhttp://forgoodloving.com/?p=6952014-04-28T13:02:47Z2014-04-25T11:58:39Z Continue Reading »]]>Often times when I work with premarital couples I ask them what characteristics they would like to see in their marriage. I encourage these couples to take time to think about what is important to them in a relationship, write it down and look back on in frequently. I then talked to couples about using this list as their North Star that will guide their behavior in their marriage.

During the good times we don’t need this list as a guide. We can easily see the good in our partner and are open and loving. But when things become difficult we quickly lose sight of what is important to us and we get pulled off course.

In difficult times many people will begin to use their partner’s behavior as a guide for their own behavior (i.e. you hurt me so I will hurt you back, you are disrespectful to me so I will be disrespectful back, you withhold from me so I will withhold from you). One can see how this would become a vicious cycle for disaster.

We get pulled away from what we really want in our relationship if we base our behavior on someone else’s behavior. This is because behavior is not a constant in any relationship. Additionally, our perception of behavior is not constant so all it would take is our perception being off for us to be pulled off course.

I was having brunch with an unmarried pregnant friend recently. During the course of brunch she was telling me that she was in a difficult position about what last name to give her baby who was soon to be born. She was no longer with the baby’s father in the romantic sense and she was not happy with all of his life choices.

On the one hand she was not particularly attached to her last name and she did not feel compelled to give the baby her name for any personal reason. But, on the other hand she was not sure if she wanted to give her baby the father’s last name because she felt as if she was rewarding him with that honor.

We talked about it a little and I asked her if she wanted a friend answer or a therapist answer. She said she would like to hear both. As her friend I told her, “F- him” we laughed and than I told her about what I talked about above.

I asked her to think about what kind of relationship she would ideally like to have. What characteristics would it have? I encouraged her to use these as a guide during these difficult times so she did not get pulled away from what she really wanted in her relationship.

There is one mistake that people commonly make with this exercise. They make their list and then expect their partner to do it. Or, they give these things only if they feel their partner is doing the same thing.

What ever you want in your relationship give it to your partner, but give it freely with no expectation of getting it back or needing it back. When we need to get the behavior back in order to give it we fall into the trap of using our partner’s behavior as our guide. This will lead us off course.

There is one phrase that helps me when making difficult decisions in my life and I use this as my guide in all my relationships, whether personal or professional. My go-to phrase that helps me is “Is it loving?”

This phrase helps me when I get off course and even though I am not behaviorally perfect and forget this phrase, it is always there to help when I am ready and open to accept its strength and wisdom.

The phrase, “Is it loving?” does not mean I become a doormat in every situation. It might be more loving to leave a situation then it would be to stay. If I am married to someone who hits me and my children the most loving thing might be to leave. This person hitting me cannot see that there is a better way to live. As long as I stay I may be holding them back from seeing another way to manage their anger.

It might be more loving to stop giving financial support to my child so they can learn how strong they really are. It might be more loving to let my child struggle with the consequences of poor decisions. Being expelled from school and grounded for drinking at school helps the child learn appropriate behavior. It may also keep them from progressing their behavior of drinking that later develops into driving under the influence and killing someone else.

“Is it loving” can also be applied to the thoughts I think about other people. Thinking unloving thoughts about any one has a direct effect on me. I don’t like the way I feel when I think of someone else being the “bad guy”. When we can see the innocence in another it has a different effect. When I can see the person as doing the best they can in that circumstance the emotional pressure is released.

Examples of Characteristics People Report Using as Their North Star in Their Marriage:

Respect

Listen to understand not to dispute

Kindness

Forgiveness

Understanding

Not nitpicking faults

Open to suggestions

Giving partner space to be exactly the way they are

Taking responsibility for behavior

Willing to admit when they make a mistake

]]>0Tarahttp://ForGoodLoving.comhttp://forgoodloving.com/?p=6892014-05-06T17:55:04Z2014-04-16T08:34:26Z Continue Reading »]]>Your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and find all the barriers that you have built against it. Love is your natural state. Your only problem lies in covering it up with cheap substitutes. Our need to be right, expectations of how we think something should be, judgments we project upon others all block our loving nature.

During the first stage of falling in love we get a glimpse of our loving nature. Take a minute to think of a time when you first fell in love. If one sits and puts themselves back at this time they will begin to experience a taste of love welling up.

When you first fall in love you experience this unspeakable feeling of joy, peace, life all tumbled together into one unit. This feeling permeates us and we begin to feel it in all aspects of our life. We aren’t just in love with the person we found but we are in love with squirrels, and plants and spoons, and coffee and anything else we come in contact with. We are in love with life itself.

Falling in love is wonderful and it feels so natural to us that we want to hang on to it desperately. What we fail to realize is that it is not coming from the other person. You will discover this when you take a good look at the situation.

When you are in love and have this amazing feeling do you only feel it when that person is present in the same room with you? Of course not. You could still feel it if they were in Timbuktu. The feeling is present when they are there and still present when they are not. This is the case for one simple reason. The feeling of love you feel is coming directly from you.

When you are open you shine and experience your own natural light. We experience this light in the form of what we call love. But when we think that what we are feeling is coming from the other person we become frightened and want to hang on to this feeling of love. We try to hang on to it by trying to control the other person in various ways.

We set up expectations in an attempt to get in touch with this feeling once again. You listen to me so I feel love. You desire me so that I feel this love. You notice me so I feel this love. You show me respect so I feel this love. Listening, desire, attention and respect are all great elements to have in a relationship but you do not need them to experience that love you are looking for.

No one can take their love away from you. When you close off, hold resentments, judge others, have expectations of how a someone or a situation should be you end up cutting yourself off from your natural light.

When you look outside yourself for love it will fail and end up hurting you. It will end up hurting you not because it has the power to hurt you but because you have given it the power to hurt you. You have made the proclamation to yourself that you need ____________(fill in the blank with your perceived need or desire) and that is what follows. “I need your attention to be happy”. “I need you to desire me to feel love”. “I need you to be calm for me to be at peace”.

What you are looking for in your partner you already have. You have just, for a brief moment in time, forgotten. Welcome what is and your light will shine on all you see.

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”

– Rumi

]]>0Tarahttp://ForGoodLoving.comhttp://forgoodloving.com/?p=6852014-04-28T12:57:32Z2014-04-08T17:01:44Z Continue Reading »]]>In this entry I will not be telling anything you don’t already know. Think of this entry not as something novel but as a reminder of the obviousness that is all around us. We can witness evidence of the following commentary in our every experience.

It is your direct experience that you must listen to, not the writing. Wait for the message to ring true for you. If it does not resonate with you, move away without judging the encounter.

I do not respond to anything directly, but rather to my interpretation of the event. Many people tend to understand this statement on a general surface level but where most stop is the application of it. We tend to forget the meaning of this statement when we encounter something that triggers an emotional charge for us. When we are experiencing the event, it appears that what is causing us trouble is outside of us. In truth, it is our own filter that effects how we see something.

We then use our interpretation of the event to justify our response to the event. When one truly understands that they do not respond to anything directly but to their interpretation of it, they will understand that what is causing them trouble is not outside of them. This can be liberating for many people because at this point they stop trying to control other people to find peace.

The interpretation of an event is always coming from me, therefore the grievance I perceive is coming from me.

The next step involves looking at where I am hoping to influence change. Most of us get caught up in the old pattern of trying to change another’s behavior so that you feel better.

Listen to me more so I feel different.

Desire me so I feel different.

Stand up for me more so I feel different.

Start helping with the housework more so I feel different.

Dress sexier so I feel different.

Don’t yell at me so I feel different.

There is a pattern here. The only reason we ever want people to be different is so that we feel different. There is a problem in this thinking. 1) I have no control over another person. 2) Refer back to the statement “I do not respond to anything directly but to my interpretation of it”. The problem is not in the other person it is in your perception of that other person.

For some this way of thinking is very frustrating. “Are you telling me that my partner does not have to listen to me or show me respect?!?!?”, is a comment some will retaliate with. When I hear this retort I know that they have not yet comprehended what I am attempting to communicate.

We often will not interpret a situation correctly because we are looking through an old filter. Instead of seeing what is in front of us we look for evidence that supports a belief we already have.

If I have a belief that I am unlovable I will be seeing the world through this filter and look for evidence to support this belief. A lot of time we will be completely unaware of our internal beliefs. If someone were to say to you, “You have the belief that you are unlovable”, you’d might say, “You’re nuts”.

We have a difficult time seeing what beliefs are influencing us because they are so engrained. It’s like noticing the air, or a fish noticing water.

We see our unconscious belief by the way we interpret our external world. You can always tell how a person feels about themselves by how they talk/feel about others.

We color our world by our internal beliefs. Everything in this world that happens is a fact, it does turn good, bad, happy, sad until it goes through my own filter of interpretation. Here is an example of what I mean:

Fact: You tell your husband about an event that is important to you. Your husband does not look up from his newspaper or respond to what you just said.

Event seen through one filter: He never listens. He is rude for not listening to something that is important to me. I don’t understand why I bother to share important things with him.

Same event seen through a different filter: He does not appear to be listening to me. He might need this time to decompress. Him not listening to me is not a personal attack.

The way we interpret an event has everything to do with what is going on in our internal world. I am not saying that it isn’t great to have a partner who listens, is supportive, and helps. What I am saying is that we often will base our emotional stability on something that we have no control over, another’s behavior. Additionally, what I am saying is that your happiness is not dependent on the other person being different.

Cleaning off our emotional filters is key. We begin to do this when we begin to see what is happening and how we are pulling into our old belief system time and time again.

You can begin to clean out old emotional baggage when you start to see that you are not responding to the event, but your interpretation of the event. Then, when you forgive the person for what they are not actually doing. What I mean by this is, what is causing you difficulty is not their behavior but your own filter.

They might tell you they just cheated on you with your best friend, but even in this situation what is giving you trouble is your interpretation of the event. This does not necessarily mean that you stay in any situation. What it does mean is that your emotional wellbeing can stay intact regardless of what appears to be going on outside of you.

When you see the innocence in another you are reminded of your own innocence. When you are reminded of your own innocence you will remind yourself of your true nature, which is whole, complete and infinitely lovable. When you remember your true nature you will not fear what you perceive going on outside of you.

]]>0Tarahttp://ForGoodLoving.comhttp://forgoodloving.com/?p=6782014-04-28T12:55:31Z2014-02-24T17:17:09Z Continue Reading »]]>“Does a flower, full of beauty, light and loveliness say, ‘I am giving, helping, serving?’ It is! And because it is not trying to do anything it covers the earth.” -Krishnamurti

Living a fully present life we can be reminded of great wisdom in the simplest of things. From a hurried glance one might see nothing but a bunch of flowers that seem to be everywhere. But from pure observation, looking with out the looker or our preconceived ideas superimposed, one is presented with an entirely new experience.

Flowers are not being radiant for anyone. They are simply radiant. They share their beauty and light with everyone indiscriminately. They do not need recognition for their natural state of loveliness. They are not swayed by popular opinions of their worth. They allow every compliment and grievance to pass through them with equal merit.

What can we learn from the flower? How can the flower’s lesson have a positive effect on your well being? The lesson of the flower is that of “giving without a giver”. It shares it’s radiance freely and not needing a return on its investment, because it is simply being its natural self, it is not weighted down by keeping track of what it is owed.

It can be difficult for some people to believe that their natural state is open, free, endless loving, deeply peaceful. When in doubt, go on your direct experience. When do you feel most natural? When you say, ‘I feel like myself’ are you describing a time when your felt uptight, closed off, angry and discombobulated? Probably not.

Your natural state is open, free, endlessly loving, deeply peaceful. You are whole and complete. Our only problem starts to come up when we forget this and we think that our wholeness lies in someone else. Mainly we are “loving” with the hope of getting something out of it.

Usually what we want back is sex, affection, someone to listen, security, a thank you, someone to see us a certain way or a number of other things we want from others. This is how we turn our relationship into a business relationship. I’ll do something for you if you give me something in return. And since we have no control over the other person, you are in a losing battle that leaves you bitter and cut off from your natural radiance.

Before you give anything or do anything think to yourself if you are alright with any possible outcome. If you are not ok with every outcome its a good sign that you are giving with the intention of trying to control the other person’s response. Give freely, or not at all.

When I share this with people they become nervous that they will have to give up something they value in their relationship. They are afraid that if they do not keep tabs on whether or not they are getting back what is owed to them it will not happen. What ends up happening is something that feels amazing.

You begin to experience openness, freedom, love, and peace without the other person doing anything in return. You can be sure you are giving something freely when the gift for you is in the giving.

Think of a pet or child that you cherish. Have you ever found something that you were sure they were going to love? You make your purchase of this object, treat or toy and head off to give it to them. You can feel your excitement building with the thought of sharing what you have found with them. When you give it to them you have the feeling of being overjoyed.

Now, we have all gone through situations where the dog or child does not want the gift. We don’t scold them for not wanting it. We have all experienced those times when it doesn’t even matter if they like it or not. This is what is meant by the statement “the gift is in the giving”.

Let your light shine, give it freely, for the same light that shines on others shines on you.

For so many people the beginning of a new year signifies a chances to get things started on new footing. We make promises to ourselves with the hopes of creating meaningful change in our lives.

“I will eat healthier. Make better decisions involving finances. No more 80 hour work weeks. I will call my family more. Spend time with friends.”

These resolutions can all have a great impact on one’s emotional and/or physical wellbeing. They can serve as useful tools in helping one to evaluate what is important in their life at this moment. There is something that is very appealing about new beginnings. They offer us a sense of liberation from the past.

We overlook the ability we have to be free from the past at any moment in time. More accurately, it could be said that we forgo the sense of peace and happiness when we are free from the past because it is more important for us to be “right”.

When we hang on to past thoughts about a person or situation that cause us a great deal of stress, we are doing it because in our version of the story we are “right” and that other person is wrong, we are the innocent one and they are the bad guy.

For every person we make into the bad guy we must play the victim by default. Short sightedly, we might enjoy making the other person the scoundrel because for a brief moment we get to be the good guy but this high will only last a short time. What we are left with is our version of a story that makes us very upset and physically uncomfortable.

We don’t like the effects that judging another has on us. But as always, go on your direct experience. Do you feel better when you see your boss/wife/husband/brother/mother/dog/whomever as a scoundrel or do you feel better (long term) when you see them as innocent?

A simple question to ask to clear this up is, “Do I feel better thinking about an innocent person or a guilty “no-good-nick” up to his shenanigans?”

We construct our own past and future in our minds and continue to replay the events according to our own interpretation. From this logic one could argue that we are never upset for the reasons we think we are but rather from the way we think things are. It is our thinking that makes things “good”, “bad”, “happy”, or “sad”.

The thoughts we came up with we are now projecting on another and creating our own personal hell. Freedom from these taxing thoughts would be a relief, but it will take giving up something that you may not want to give up: your need to be “right”.

We like fresh starts. We like interacting with people when they have a clean slate. How would you interact with someone differently if you did not judge them by your interpretation of their past?

A simple exercise.

Think about a person who appears to be causing you a great deal of pain, annoyance, discomfort. Think about your description of why this person is causing you so much trouble. You can be specific. Is there another way to see that situation? How do you thing it might look from their side?

Where would you be with out your memory of this person you are having trouble with? How would your interaction with this person change if every time you encountered this person you had no memory of their past transgressions?

]]>0Tarahttp://ForGoodLoving.comhttp://forgoodloving.com/?p=6672013-12-17T19:57:49Z2013-12-17T19:57:49Z Continue Reading »]]>“You can never know who you are, you can only know what you’re not. It is coming out of what you are not that is key.”

These are the very first words my mentor instilled in me. He shared them with me the first day we met for meditation. He continued to repeat this phrase to me for months. At the time I was not sure why he would continue to say such a simple, seemingly easy to comprehend, idea.

This was his way with most things, repetition of the simple ideas which would come to light over time. This idea did come to light, months later. For whatever reason it was able to penetrate a little deeper than it had previously.

It was one of those AH-HA moments that struck me. Excited, I told him what I had experienced and that I knew why he was saying it so often.

“That’s wonderful. Don’t assume you have the answer and you’ll be amazed with what you hear.” Becoming attached to already having something figured out will block any new insight.

Years later while reading “A Course in Miracles”, I came across something that reminded me of my first lesson with my mentor.

“You are not special. If you think you are, and would defend your specialness against the truth of what you really are, how can you know truth? What answer that the Holy Spirit gives could reach you, when it is your specialness to which you listen, and which asks and answers?”

“Comparison must be an ego device, for love makes none. Specialness always makes comparisons. It is established by a lack seen in another, and maintained by searching for, and keeping clear in sight, all lacks it can perceive.”

For one to be that smartest, prettiest, “most whatever” someone else must be “not as good as”. Whatever role we are attached to someone must play a corresponding supporting role for us to continue getting validation from this identity.

We may begin to see something, or rather create something, in another that is not even there so we can continue getting validation for our egoic identity. They are the fool so I can be the smart guy. They play the bad guy so I can be the good guy. They are helpless so I can be the great helper.

My need to be special keeps me separated from another; it creates a dichotomy. Not only that, my specialness is an illusion of who I believe I am. Whatever role my specialness takes on at the moment it is only mine to borrow at that time. My specialness makes up my egoic identity and is a distraction from my formless, nameless, constant, nature.

“You can never know who you are, you can only know what you are not. Coming out of what you are not is key.”

The world we live in can encourage people to think of themselves as special, do you see this as a help or hindrance?

In what way, if any, do you think your specialness helps you?

In what way, if any, do you think your specialness is a hindrance?

It seems like most “self-esteem” is based on someone building up their specialness. Do you think “self-esteem” comes from seeing one’s self as special? If not, where do you think “self-esteem” comes from?

]]>0Tarahttp://ForGoodLoving.comhttp://forgoodloving.com/?p=6542013-11-25T14:51:25Z2013-11-22T16:36:39Z Continue Reading »]]>We have various means (or levels) of communicating messages to one another. Three that come to mind for the sake of writing this entry are: spoken word, action, and being. You’d be hard pressed to find an individual who never heard the infamous phrase, “Do as I say not as I do”.

I grew up hearing this phrase from adults who were trying to be wise and impart great wisdom on a meager child. Their question was often met with the inquiry and frustration of, “If it’s so great why aren’t you doing it”. “You’ll understand when you’re older”, could shut that question down.

But as an adult I still see this, “Do as I say, not as I do” mentality. I hear it from people who say they can give great advice but when it comes to taking it or getting their life together they keep falling short. If their advice is that great why don’t they take it themselves? Is it that our advice falls short and lacks something vital? Are we missing a key part in what is going on between the advice giving and the advice hearing on our own part?

I have spent some time thinking about this and don’t claim to have the answer but some possible things have come to the surface.

Why your words might be falling short?

Why is it that people can give great advice but not take their own “great” advice?

I believe what makes it so difficult to take our own advice is that we don’t really understand it in the first place. We know the words well. We might be able to say it in a very smart sounding way. But we are missing a vital element, the true meaning behind the message.

When our words are not rooted in personal understanding of the message they become very shallow. There is no depth to them. They have a surface quality and we, as well as others, pick up on that.

Take for example a parent who tells their child to say thank you but the parent rarely gives thanks. There is great importance in gratitude that this “thank-less” parent is over looking.

In gratitude we take a moment to see the good fortune that life is presenting us. Too often if we are not careful we overlook all that is abundant in our lives. We breeze past all the support life offers up to us time and time again.

When we take a slight pause to notice what we have been given the most amazing thing happens. We have the sensation of being filled with a certain lightness. Gratitude fills us with a very pleasant feeling (that is when we are truly grateful). Some would say we attract what we are grateful for, others would argue that it appears that we attract what we are grateful for because we are no longer overlooking it.

Gratitude brings with it presence. We can experience with it the present moment.

There is much more we can take way from being thankful but for the sake of being brief I’ll leave it at that. If the parent truly understood that value in giving thanks they to would be giving it. But the parent is not alone.

Think about your own relationship. Are you living with the “do what I say not as I do” philosophy? But keep in mind it may not be just as easy as changing your behavior. Changing your behavior would align you with what you preach but there may be one other element to make this a quality practice.

Why your “good” behavior may not be enough?

The words you use and the behavior you exhibit are never as important as their origin. Many people do things that appear very nice on the surface but in truth they are not motivated for the sake of being nice but rather for the sake of getting something in return.

All behavior is rooted in fear or love. Most people mistake fearful behavior that they offer in their relationship for love. One important thing to remember about love is that it needs nothing. Love is whole and complete on its own. Love does not need thanks, acceptance or to be noticed.

Often times we act thinking we are being loving but in truth we fear we lack something and think we need that something from our lover. Take for instance making dinner for our partner. This act of making dinner can be based in love or fear. Many times it’s based in fear.

If we need something in return from our partner for our effort we put into making dinner then we are doing it for the reaction. The something we are looking for may be as small as a “thank you”. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with our partner showing appreciation. However, when we do something with the idea that it will give us a certain response we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Where that act is rooted is very important. We have all been in a situation where we can tell that the other person is doing something to get something from us. Or other times have found ourselves getting unsolicited advice from someone who just wants to sound smart.

There is a big difference between getting advice from someone who wants to be a know-it-all and someone who is genuinely being kind; this difference is in where that message is coming from.

When the message we are communicating to a loved one is intended to be loving we let go of the outcome of that message. The person is allowed to answer in anyway they choose. We let go of our need to look like the smart one or the nice one or the right one.

Do your words, thoughts and actions line up when communicating?

Do you have an agenda when you communicate? (If you have an emotional reaction to the other’s response it a sign you had an agenda)

Are you involved in active listening? (This means trying to understand the others point of view without wanting to change it. Understanding it as they see it, with out needing to defend yourself)