February 19, 2014

T-minus one week until a new season of Survivor! The 28th season of Survivor splits the castaways into three tribes: Brains, Beauty, and Brawn. It's an interesting twist which makes predicting a winner a little bit harder. The dominance of Cochran in past seasons make brains a target moreso than the past, but Brawn will be picked off come merge for their physical dominance. And beauties will float to the end and lose. Based on the bios and videos, there really weren't any true standouts - just people I know will get eliminated. So with that said....

MELISSA PREDICTS

Woo will win Survivor: Cagayan

Guys, this was the toughest one ever. I found a lot of people likable but not winners, you know? On the beauty tribe, I found myself liking Jefra, who isn't using the cute girl flirting approach to win. She cites Kim as the castmember she's most like and Kim is awesome. I wanted to route for Trish, but my concern is her being a Brawn tribe and the men immediately aligning to take out the women - starting with the oldest. Brains have had a big resurgence in the game lately, but I think people might see though Spencer really quickly with his gameplay. He wants to keep it on the downlow and be a puppetmaster, but I think he'll get caught sooner rather than later. My history would point me right to Garrett, and I agree he's awesome yet douchey. He's physical yet a mega brain who studied the game intensely. But he's bound to be a quick target come merge. And that's when Woo came in.

As my pal Haley points out, I have a history of picking a good head of hair (Malcolm, twice). But here's my logic, which I'm sure will backfire and I'll lose quickly. He's on the Brawn Tribe but not the strongest or the weakest. Attractive but not someone who's playing that up to win. Understands the game without being too obsessed. He cites Ozzy as the player he's most like which is a classic rookie answer, but I feel like if you overknown Survivor it's not always going to get you far. In his video, I get a really chill vibe, the kind of guy you'd want in your alliance. He gives me Fabio vibes, which is a good sign. And really, I'm terrible at pre-show predictions so I'm going guns blazing this time.

So it's time for you to vote! This year I've made a handy entry form for pre-show winner predictions. Drop in your Twitter name and bloop the bubble for the person you believe will win Survivor: Cagayan.

February 17, 2014

The show ditches the exotic war locales and Hobbiton for some stateside fun in Juan Pablo's hometown, Miami. While Juan Pablo whistles to get his daughter's attention, the women are speculating what's to come in their sweet new rented house full of free bikinis. The perks!

Juan Pablo personally delivers the first date card to Sharleen, escorting her on a one-on-one date to come "sea" the city. She's taken off-guard, wondering what the hell he sees in her when she's not feeling a mental connection. Sharleen has decided this has to be her deciding day of whether she could see a future with Juan Pablo and even want to introduce his dumb ass to her family. They make out on a yacht, because he's easy on the eyes but tedious on the brain. After docking at a private beach to make out on land/sea, they return to the yacht to kiss under the stars. When they actually talk and the question comes up about meeting her family, Sharleen makes an awkward face of hesitance. Hell, she even says she wishes she were a little dumber so they clicked better and he's like "DERRRRRRP." Oh hooray, another week of Sharleen pondering if she should quit to sage single mom Renee.

The next one-on-one date is with Nikki the nurse who gets the most serious date: he's taking her to Camilla's dance recital, where she'll meet his family as well. And Juan Pablo's ex AKA Camilla's mom. For real, they agreed to this?? This is a major date to which she had no prep and surely would've opted out of wearing Daisy Dukes. But all goes well and unfortunately the ex doesn't go HAM on Nikki. At night they go to Marlins Park, which is Juan Pablo's office as he's in sports marketing or something. They play catch, have a romantic picnic and, surprise, loudly kiss. Nikki loved her date but wonders about the dynamic and if his ex is OK with all this bullshit (he says yes). They kiss more and Nikki lets him know she really hopes she'll come to her hometown. Nikki tells us she's definitely in love with Juan Pablo and wants a life with him.

Sharleen is still moping around the hotel and finally makes the decision she's been lingering on for seven weeks. She comes clean to the girls that she's been conflicted for a while and feels wrong potentially getting a rose over someone else. She's leaving, finally. Because she has a brain. Next step: tell Juan Pablo, re-tell him until he understands. Sharleen goes to his hotel room and explains she's not sure if she'll be ready for a proposal in three weeks time, and she won't take the spot of someone else in that position. It's a lot of whispering and wiping away tears. Juan Pablo whisper-begs her not to be sorry, she's wonderful for being different, and wishes she sang more. Oh Juan Pablo, a man of... words. Sharleen heads to the elevator while Juan Pablo ponders on a balcony before crying in a confessional over her honesty. To sum it up, I think he respects her for being honest and not just using him? Like a said, a man of words. Oddly put together words.

The group date girls (Andi, Chelsie, Clare, Renee) are whisked away to a private beach in a biplane. They share an awkwardly cozy picnic together on a tiny beach towel, then do their damnedest to impress Juan Pablo to win the date rose. Chelsie busts out letters her family wrote her before going on the show like, "Two drink maximum!" and "Have fun!" Andi uses her alone time to again talk about being vulnerable and scared of heartbreak, because someone needs to take over Sharleen's role of insecure girl. Clare hypes up her family and how excited she is for him to meet her sisters, but he brings up her dead dad which is a downer. As a reminder, her dad recorded a video for her future husband and she hopes Juan Pablo will be the man to see it. And Renee gets no on-camera alone time. Andi gets the date rose and you can see Clare's cringe face.

As the rose receiver, Andi gets more alone time with Juan Pablo while the other three girls get banished back to the hotel. Decked out for a night in South Beach, Juan Pablo takes her to a concert, GASP!, around commoners. They do make themselves the center of attention by dancing on the platform in the middle of the room with some really poor backup dancer extras.

The girls return home and get to bask in the joy of Nikki. Chelsie is giggly, Renee is smiling, and Clare ain't faking the funk cause she's annoyed. "That's so stupid," Nikki says, because she's riding high on one-on-one date bliss. Clare doesn't appreciate Nikki's bitchiness and calls her on it. Nikki believes Clare and the girls were going to talk shit on Andi, eventhough it wasn't anything close to that direction. Both girls get loud, interrupt each other, request the other not interrupt her. Nikki asks her to leave and Clare's like "Did you pay for this room? No. It's not your room." It's an irritating fight that I can't believe I wrote a whole paragraph about.

The unofficial theme of the rose ceremony is to wear your brightest color dress because Miami is flashy. Nikki is totally over pretending to be friends with any of the girls besides Andi. The other girls hope Juan Pablo can sense what a bitch Nikki is, but I think they forget how dense he is. Cue the on-air awkward silence between Clare and Nikki for at least a solid minute, then adding in others for more silence. Not surprising, Juan Pablo gives his three roses to Nikki, Clare, and no-airtime-tonight Renee. This means Chelsie's family won't be meeting Juan Pablo and the only downside there is I can't imagine the out-of-body-experience one has when meeting Juan Pablo.

Next week: Two episodes! Two nights! And everyone seems to hate Juan Pablo!READERS! I'll be on vacation next week when there's TWO episodes on. I won't be recapping the night of, but promise to post recaps the weekend I return.

February 10, 2014

Finally the travel booker for this show found a location that isn't a place that the United States visited for war. It's off to New Zealand, home of Bret, Jemaine, and fake Middle Earth! Nerd out alert! But for realz, can I go there? Everyone is ecstatic to be there because it's beautiful and they're dating such a "great" guy. But single mom Cassandra feels like bad because she's globetrotting at a slim shot at love instead of being with her kid. A heart-to-heart win other single mom Renee quickly eases the sadness. Besides, there's room for so many volcano eruption metaphors to make about love!

Way-too-intelligent-for-him Andi finally gets the one-on-one date she's been begging for. The date starts with a speedy boadride on a jet boat so they can hug each other a lot. Allegedly the locals told Juan Pablo where to take a hot date, but we know that's true because Juan Pablo doesn't pay attention when others talk. The boat stops and the pair wade through the water and squeeze through tiny cave walls for way too long until they reach a secluded waterfall for them to make out under. After the squeeze, dinner is held in front of a geyser. Because nothing more romantic than the chance to be sprayed and your kebabs drenched with water! They ditch the dinner to awkwardly hug on a bridge and try to talk about their feelings. Juan Pablo unzips his jacket to reveal a rose, and not an erotic strip tease. Andi accepts the rose and they kiss in front of the geyser while voiceovering the metaphor of their love bursting. Please punch me.

Cassandra is bummed she doesn't get a one-on-one date for her 22nd birthday. Instead Cassandra is relegated to a group date, however it's an awesome one. The group goes zorbing which, if you don't know, is rolling down a hill in an inflatable hamster ball filled with water so you slip around like crazy. Given that Juan Pablo's intelligence is on par with the ideal pet of a eight year old, this is the perfect date. So everyone gets in their teeny bikinis (or fringed one piece... Sharleen) and slip around and cling to Juan Pablo with all their might.

After zorbing, I loose my f'ing mind when dinner is held and the mother freaking Shire from Lord of the Rings. HOBBITON PEOPLE. THEY ARE EATING DINNER AT BAG-END. I mean, I guarantee he has no idea what this is and had to read a cue card to get it, but I'll take it. Seriously, this is the best date in the show's history and it didn't even have a helicopter. Plus, who wouldn't want to makeout in front of a hobbit's house? And that's exactly what happens as all the girls have their quick emotional chat and then slobber with Juan Pablo. I think only Sharleen appreciates the nerdy awesomeness, but it's hard to say that since all Juan Pablo wants to do is kiss her and all she wants to talk about is feeling unsure yet again. Cassandra just wants a birthday rose. "I think I'm going to have a happy ending here," says Juan Pablo and I really hope he means Hobbiton handjob. Sharleen gets the date rose, but he takes Cassandra aside to talk privately. He decides to set her free as they're not as the same place, and now she can be with her son and not have to wait around for the next rose ceremony. What a shitty birthday gift. But hey, trip to the Shire.

Clare gets the other one-on-one date this week so we can continue the awkwardness about the ocean makeout scandal. Despite a few short weeks together, they have to have the boundaries talk about what's acceptable and what's not. Kissing in the ocean at 4am? Too far! Kissing three to four women in one night? OK! Dude, if you don't want your daughter seeing you holding hands or kissing women, don't be on a TV show where it's the sole focus. And then they just kiss like a ton by the water, not in it, at a reasonable time of day. Because it's acceptable at this time of day. Dinner moves to a totally acceptable location: alone in the privacy of Juan Pablo's hotel room. Seriously guy? The conversation is still going on about what happened and how wonderful he is for being so apologetic. My god, this is an awful date. Poor Juan Pablo has had to pretend to listen to her for hours. They change into their sweats to be comfy and just chill. Clare gets the rose because it means she has to be silent for 24 seconds, then they kiss on his couch and while dancing to "their song." But it's cool because it's not 4am.

Because there's a lot of time to kill, Juan Pablo has his first sit-down with Chris Harrison to talk about his feelings. I don't listen. Skip ahead to the cocktail party where everyone can get all antsy before another rose ceremony. Juan Pablo grabs Nikki for alone time to allegedly talk but it's mostly kissing. It's his way of communicating past the language barriers. Renee hopes this isn't dump-the-single-mom week, while Kat and Chelsie realize they are basically easy elimination picks. Chelsie tries her hardest but Juan Pablo doesn't know what "frazzled" means so I don't know why she feels pacified. Kat talks about her daddy issues and forwardness with men and Juan Pablo again tries his hardest to listen. I'm sure he found someone to makeout with after this.

In front of a roaring fire, the latest rose ceremony commences. With only three roses left to hand out, Juan Pablo bids farewell to Kat. Kat is now free to pursue her life of backup dancer stardom in South Korea.

February 3, 2014

The sexy world tour of war locations continues to Vietnam this week. Wild guess that Juan Pablo doesn't know America had a war there. Juan Pablo explains his goal of the week is to spend time with the women he's neglected, an obvious piece of foreshadowing.

The first date card is for the other single mom Renee, who shares that single parent bond with Juan Pablo, and that's about it. They meet in a local town for a tourist day because Juan Pablo is apparently a big fan of eating weird local delicacies, buying dresses for his dates, and pedaling a woman in a pedi-cab. All Renee wants is a kiss and a rose (or how about a musical montage to Seal's "Kiss from a Rose?" Sorry, wrong season). Renee looks pretty at dinner in her custom dress, the restaurant is glowing with paper lanterns, and it's the perfect atmosphere for a kiss. Instead he blows air in her face because she's sweaty. They talk about single parent stuff and he gives her the rose and a kiss on the cheek. Ouch. The night ends with placing paper lanterns in the water to make a wish (shocker: Renee's wish is to get a kiss). Juan Pablo doesn't want to kiss Renee willy-nilly because her kid is old enough to understand this nonsense. So much for lantern wishes!

The "go with the flow" group date involves paddling in these round bamboo boats that I'm secretly finding so awesome. Everyone groans when Juan Pablo brings Clare into his boat because she's irritating. They sneak a kiss when stuck in a tree and the others girls see it, fuming some more because it feels like a bunch of groupies creeping on a one-on-one date. They "randomly" find a Vietnamese family willing to host a dinner for a reality show cast, so they help pick crops from the garden. Andi the lawyer is annoyed at being on another group date so Juan Pablo has to calm her down, reminding her she gets group date roses for a reason.

They ditch the random house for a nighttime cocktail party at a hotel and he picks Clare for alone time first. Cue more rage. "Do you think they made it to second base yet?" jokes Kelly the dog walker, the best one there besides mopey Sharleen. Apparently they brought swimsuits and makeout in a freezing pool. They at some point leave the pool, he changes and dries off, and continues alone time with all the other neurotic women questioning their connection. But everyone shuts up once they have time to makeout with ol' Juan Pablo. So last week he kissed one woman on the group date, this week three in one night. Clare gets the rose for being out of her comfort zone, because apparently she's the only person who had a hard time eating Vietnamese food to get attention.

While the others girls mope about the date, Clare gets the A-OK from producers to spontaneously leave their hotel to sneak into Juan Pablo's room. She is dying to swim in the ocean and wants Juan Pablo to join her, so they put on them swimsuits and makeout in the ocean. Hey remember when Ben Flajnik did this a couple seasons ago? I love a good recycled story! Apparently getting out of the "comfort zone" includes practically banging in a Vietnamese ocean.

Whiny Nikki gets the last one-on-one of the week, where the pair rappel down into a cave called "hell." Shocker: Nikki is afraid of heights, but the dreaminess of Juan Pablo makes her OK with it all despite panicking the whole way down. Lots of kissing and love-is-like-rappeling metaphors to celebrate getting to the bottom. It was all so boring. Their romantic dinner is in a dark cave lit by lots of candles, which is very pretty now that I've grown to appreciate candles more. They talk about stuff, including Nikki's job as a pediatric nurse which Juan Pablo can't pronounce eventhough his kid would probably see a pediatrician. "But why kids?" he asks, so Nikki talks about the hope of children and he likes to hear her open up. Caring really turns Juan Pablo on so he gives her the date rose and they do some more cave makeouts.

Everyone meets up for the latest rose ceremony and Juan Pablo announces three women are going home tonight. Total buzzkill. "Here's to finding love, being loved, and making love," toasts Clare with her annoying giggle. Every time he gets alone time with someone, he's smitten with them and they become his new favorite. Juan Pablo explains to Renee why he isn't kissing her nonstop but she's like hey, my kid is cool with it, so he goes for it. And then there's Clare. Juan Pablo believes he took things too far with her the other night and it's unfair to the others, not to mention he has a daughter that could see this. Clare starts crying because her intent wasn't to disappoint or terrify his daughter, who BTW, shouldn't be watching this show even if daddy is the star. Clare's a mess, crying all over, while Juan Pablo tells her to "delete it," but she reminds him he could've declined. She returns, blames allergies, and now errbody's all tense from the madness.

At the rose ceremony, we finally eliminate the girls who we always forget are still there. They are apparently named Danielle and Alli and had a combined screentime of six minutes this season. But unfortunately we lose the hilarity of Kelly the dog lover, who had some fantastic one-liners. Now we'll never see her adorable dog again.

Next week: a long flight to New Zealand better involve a visit to the Shire or I go on strike.