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My perfectly hard boiled egg

I’ll admit it. I have Googled more than once, “how to boil an egg”. There are just some things in life that are so simple, they must be done right. I must know the best way to get it done. Oddly enough, Martha Stewart’s instructions are featured first in my Google search results. Her 2-step system seems simple enough and she even provides you with a video! (And in related news to the right, you can learn how to PEEL the damn thing!)

Silky, smooth perfection.

Indeed, it can’t be THAT hard to boil and egg, but you wouldn’t need a video on how to peel it if it was boiled correctly to begin with. Here’s the thing: a perfectly boiled egg, not unlike a perfect cut of filet mignon lightly seasoned and seared to melt-in-your-mouth perfection, will practically slip right out of its shell, once cracked. Personally, I gently roll the egg between my hands while applying just enough pressure to crack it and free it from its bondage. I’m not gonna lie…from the first crack I know if it’s been boiled perfectly. I just know. I can FEEL it. The excitement I get around 10 am in my office when it’s time for my mid-morning snack, that would be said hard boiled eggs, is like winning $1 off a $1 scratch ticket (I’m not hard to please – I like getting my money back).

I try to enjoy every little bite of protein that’s packed into those egg whites. Which is why it displeases me IMMENSELY if my eggs aren’t boiled to silky smooth perfection!

Imagine, for a minute, that you’re getting ready for your daily hard boiled egg ritual while you’re at work. You’re humming along to your favorite guilty pleasure pop beat and getting your space all prepared. Napkin for the pre-peeled eggs. Napkin for the post-peeled eggs. Tiny salt packet. Tiny pepper packet. Perhaps some cayenne pepper or hot sauce that you keep in your top drawer under lock and key for nobody to steal. You take that first egg out of the zip lock sandwich baggie and begin to roll that bad boy between your hands. Adding pressure. Then a little more pressure. Then, in an act of denial, just a little bit more pressure to welcome that little egg’s goodness into the world and out of it’s shell. But you stop. You can’t. You freeze and stare at it in complete and utter disbelief. Because you finally realize the truth. The truth that no matter how hard you press, it’s just not happening.

Now you know. The humming stops. You slouch back into your seat. Holding back tears of frustration as you come to grips with the hard fact that you are about to lose 20, maybe 30%, of your protein packed egg white to the egg peel that it’s stuck to. And for what?! Because it wasn’t boiled correctly?! You try to think back. Where did I go wrong? Was the temperature on my conventional stove top not quite on medium? Was there enough water to cover the eggs by exactly 1″? Do I need new pots? Will my second egg be just the same? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!

Fortunately, there are nothing BUT simple answers. You’re just going to have to salvage what you can and live to see another day…or go to the cafeteria and get a new egg cooked by someone else because SOMEHOW they always come out right. Jerks.

The message is from the Man of the house, not the eggs. They couldn’t care less about my day. They’re dead.

PS: If you thought this was going to be about something deeper than a hard boiled egg, I’m sorry if I disappointed you. 😉 #sorrynotsorry