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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Congressman Kimble's Speech at Saint Nicholas Owen College

Thanks for inviting me to speak to your organization. I wish we had had a abstinence club at Notre Dame back when I was in college, but I guess we never really needed it. I graduated in 1985 and in the 1980s, nobody in college was having sex. A lot of people would tell stories, but I knew they were making it up. I'm hear to talk about birth control, which is something I've unfortunately learned a lot about even though my wife is barren due to an unfortunate childhood accident with a combine. I still love her very much and we adopted a beautiful girl this year, which is almost as good as having a child of your own.

We face a crisis in this country. Every year thousands of children are born before they are even conceived because of birth control or as the scientists call it contraception. Hitler killed six million people. By my math, it doesn't take long for an irresponsible guy with a pack of condoms to literally be worse than Hitler. As a civilized country, we simply cannot allow this to continue.

We Catholics aren't particularly into sex. For one thing, we're not very good at it. For another, many Catholics practice the only form of 100% effective and moral birth control - abstinence birth control. I believe that all employers should provide the pamphlet on abstinence only birth control that Jack Chick created.

Abstinence Only is the answer for all Americans. It is 100% safe from both disease and pregnancy. It's technique is really simple, think unsexy thoughts and say no. In college I carried a picture of Ayn Rand that I could look at whenever I was feeling lustful. It always did the trick. The latest scientific research shows that birth begins at ejaculation, sometimes called the breath of life. While there's no evidence of a single sperm surviving on it's own for long, we can't discount future scientific advances.

I thank those of you here for taking the pledge and I hope others will join you. Sex will be there for you when your older and frankly it'll mostly be a giant colossal disappointment. Contraception only makes it less satisfying. Even if you wear ribbed condoms inside out for your own pleasure, it's still kind of meh. Thank you and Stay Free Saint Nicholas Owen College!