The fantastic satirical folks at Yard Work have the best impression of a column by the LA Times' Bill Plaschke that we've ever seen. It has all the hallmarks: fear of technology, six word paragraphs, awkward usurping of pop culture and, best, hideous metaphors:

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His Thunder Sticks will be his hands, clapping for that base hit or strike out.

He will be an actual real-life Rally Monkey, throwing feces and spitting raspberries at other teams' attempts to win.

If we were Bill Plaschke, and we read this, we'd probably be afraid to write another column.