Blog Post

We might have guessed it as kids, while eating our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. There are simple signs that you and your best buddy could become a power couple. In other words, that you’ve the potential for greater creativity and fulfillment thanks to your couplehood.

Neuropsychologists are proving that, as a consequence of being intensely connected — or just downright together for a long time — some couples share “one mind.”

In his book “Powers of Two,” Dr. Joshua Wolf Shenk explains how a “shared mind” is the foundation of creativity and innovation, which by the way happens to also be the pinnacle of a marriage’s vitality. That is, after the obvious business of admiration and compassion, the zest of life depends upon how well we make each other’s — as much as our shared — dreams possible.

Not everyone is in a romantic relationship. Statistically, more than half of us are not. With that said, if we think more factually and less like Disney’s Magic Kingdom, we don’t have to be romantically involved to enjoy the power of pairs. Throughout history, platonic partners have buoyed each other. Think of Lennon and McCartney , Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, Warren Buffett and Charlie Munger, or Vincent and Theo van Gogh.

So what are the most obvious signs that you and your partner got something special going-on?

You share an insider language.

Steve Jobs (left) and Steve Wozniak (right)

Ever get a text that means absolutely nothing on its own, but holds a certain meaning to you and the person who sent it?

This “insider” language is one of the first signs that the two of you are operating in sync. To be sure, a study from Robert Hooper, a University of Texas professor, researched how secret language makes for that longed-for meaningful bond — romantic or platonic — and for a uniquely shared identity, which in turn, gives us that longed-for sense of belonging someplace in this world.

Inside jokes to nicknames, these are all forms of insider language. So much so that Ohio State University psychologist Carol Bruess published research that finds a link between how often partners use private words and how satisfied they are with their relationship:

The more often couples used secret words and phrases, the happier they reported they were.

You stop self-censoring.

Paul McCartney (left) with John Lennon (right)

The way we speak with strangers, acquaintances and friends is obviously different than how we talk when we’re alone with our partner. When we’re with others, we “self-monitor.” At the very least, we aim to manage how they perceive us.

The hint of something special is when we let go of editing ourselves and enjoy the freedom to talk candidly. There’s relief in not having to constantly check ourselves before we speak.

This becomes true in therapy sessions as well — that is, if you and your therapist are forming a “powerful pair” of creativity as well.

You even start to sound alike.

Bernie Taupin (left) life-long songwriter for Elton John’s music

Never mind what you’re saying, you may even start to sound alike, period. According to Shenk, most long-term couples eventually “start to match each other in the basic rhythms and syntactical structures of their speech.”

Psychologists call this phenomenon an “emotional contagion.” We mimic everything from the other person’s accent to the amount and length of pauses used between words and sentences.

Some evidence even shows that our shared speech patterns help to predict how long we might stay together.

For instance, a 2010 study looked at couples’ text messaging and found that when two people “sounded” more alike — in terms of the words and language structure they used in their messages — they were also more likely to still be dating three months later.

Most of us would like to excel beyond three-months, so I suppose this study requires follow up. Here’s my universal text emoji for that>>

: )

Yeah, you sorta look alike, too.

News Anchors, co-authors, and spouses Al Roker and Deborah Roberts

In his landmark 1987 study, psychologist Robert Zajonc points out a very obvious reason that in-sync couples start to look alike. They use the same muscles so often that, sure! Over time, they start to look like each other.

Notice the similar half-open smiles of partners Al Roker and Deborah Roberts, above? Google even more images of them, and their tendency to share expressions pops up over and over.

Lucky for me, my husband sports a full beard?

But I digress.

In all seriousness, this coordination of movement is known as those mirror neurons that I mentioned earlier. It’s professionally called a “shared coordinative structure,” and it includes all our little mannerisms and idiosyncrasies.

So, it’s not a big leap when additional research suggests that couples are more likely to mirror each other’s body language, with everything else.

Our minds are drawing on shared experiences and memories exclusive to only “you & me.” Again, this “insider info” — influences gestures and posture — just like those words, phrases and jokes that you use with each other.

Ode to Ying & Yang

To this end, these meta-expressions hint mostly at how in tune we are with our partner, daily and often. Sigh, if you think you and you’re partner couldn’t be more different.

But, don’t decide your fate on this data. Psychologically, partners’ uniqueness compliment each other and there’s plenty of research to google in support of that, too. But maybe “we go together like peanut butter and jelly” says it well enough.

About the Author

NATIONAL EXPERT. Terry Klee is a top couples therapist who is known by other psychotherapists as the one to refer their own family and friends, because Klee balances intelligence with an enjoyable collaboration. Terry Klee is also recognized nationally for her fresh scholarship about so-called childlessness, making her popular as a down-to-earth infertility counselor.
BIT OF THE PERSONAL. Those closest to Terry would say that she's: (1) the human who still laughs often, especially with her husband; (2) the buddy who will stand-up for you in the schoolyard; (3) the therapist who doesn't mind saying she's sat where you sit; and (4) the weekend orchardist who's scared to climb the trees but does it anyway.
BLOG. So, for a professional blog, Terry makes the complicated un-complicated. She casts neurobiology and interpersonal dynamics onto the entertaining stage of popular culture. So, you can breathe a little bit better in your private world.