It's OK to feel lost every once in a while

Over Bipolar Disorder

I took my pills. I took them reluctantly. I took them in spite. But I took them. And I’ll go ahead and try to keep taking them. I don’t want to but what you guys said is right. Those of you who commented or messaged/emailed me trying to talk some sense into me helped me put them in my mouth. I’m not going to delete this post since my feelings are still true but I just wanted to let people know who read this that I AM taking my pills as prescribed as of now….. (read more)

I just spent probably 2 hours crying into my hands so I’m not in the best shape to talk right now but I just got some news to share with you guys. Bear with me.

I just met my new pdoc today. He is really nice and I already like him. We spent a little over an hour going over my med history and the mood chart I created and basically figured out that Lamictal might not be the best mood stabilizer for me. Over the 2 years I’ve been taking it, there hasn’t been a period of longer than 6 weeks of “stability” (even then I’d probably call it a mild hypo). Whenever I did med changes, it always seemed to just be a huge dip or rise in mood. And to top it off, I’ve been crazy rapid cycling (2-3 week dramatic mood changes) for months; to the point where I can’t even blog about my feelings and when I do it’s dark like the last post or I get uncomfortably horny and hyper and can’t think straight. He thinks that might be the case so he wants to move me over to Depakote. He gave me the choice and I chose that over Lithium.

But I’m not going to take it. I’m done with pills. I know many of you probably take Depakote and have no problems with it, but when I hear: hair loss, significant weight gain, liver and pancreas damage, etc…..I just say fuck it!

I don’t want any part of it anymore. Fuck pills that don’t even work!!

Why the hell should I force myself to be miserable?! The pills don’t work!! I’m tired of sacrificing my happiness and self-image to something that is going to ruin my body.

So I’m going to just opt out of the good old bipolar newsletter and say, “No thanks!”

This has been nothing but a fucked up merry go round full of tragedy and heartache and pain and NOW people are telling me I need to start over and try it again. That all that “progress” was all for not and I gotta get up on this new horse and learn how to ride him. Oh and he is a lot more unstable and dangerous than the last one I thought was too much for me.

Why is everything an uphill battle with this disorder?!?!? I don’t get a fucking break?!?!?

Fuck.

That.

Nothing but heartache and pain and weight gain. I JUST started losing weight after struggling for 8 months and now I just can’t.

I can’t even.

Nope.

I’m done with bipolar. I didn’t ask for this so I’m not going to participate. That’s it.

Oh and SIDENOTE: I found a contest winner. Working on the graphic thingey. Will be done by the end of the month on that. Thanks for being patient because my life is hard right now.

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27 thoughts on “Over Bipolar Disorder”

I’m not liking this because you’re giving up on meds. Been there, done that, too many times to count, only to find out I was arrogant. I don’t fault your logic. The side effects suck when the benefits are so few.
I am liking this post because you are my friend and I wish you the best with whatever approach you care to take to cope.

It’s exhausting, Jess. I don’t have faith in the machine, so to speak, but I do know what my life becomes like every time I go off my meds for whatever reason…I’d rather place my faith in finding the right med combo than go back to basically being a manic hobo.
Give yourself time. Maybe you can find a way that works for you personally.

Is your pdoc taking you off gradually? You can’t stop suddenly or you can have bad side effects. Did you talk to him about you stopping meds? I can definitely understand where you are coming from, but it might be easier with his help. I don’t know if this is best for you, but I am here for you. You might want to think about it a few days to be sure, but ultimately it is your choice sweetie. Hugs!!!!

He wanted me to gradually taper off of Lamictal and slowly work up to Depakote. I’m just over pills on general. I guess I shouldn’t completely stop taking pills altogether huh? I just want it all to stop.

I understand Jess, but if you are like most of us are, going off meds has a whole new set of problems. I would like to stop, my son wants me to stop because he doesn’t believe putting this stuff in my system is good for me, but being without is no picnic either. You have to pick your poison. I wish you luck in whatever you choose. I am still looking for a working cocktail myself and see my psychiatric nurse tomorrow. My new combo isn’t working.

You are allowed to feel angry about your bipolar – especially now, having to endure a med change. It has a way of turning one’s world upside down because you feel physically sick and you body changes and you navigate not only your symptoms but the meds’ side effects. And you do all this paddling with a skinny stick upstream!

From experience I can say it’s not easy starting over again. It’s the unknown and its frightening and its bloody hard work. You are entitled to feel disillusioned and sad – new meds change your life. I was totally resistant to lithium because of the weight gain, and when all other resources were exhausted and I HAD to take it, it has actually become my own little miracle. The magic pill that helps stop the madness. I did gain weight, my body changed but slowly over the years I’ve come to terms with it. I don’t want to trade in my sense of sanity for a few less pounds on my hips….and my ass…. and my waist. Best I stop before I REALLY put you off 😉

But whatever your decision, its yours to make and no one is entitled to judge you for it. You are the only one who walks in your shoes. Sending you lots of love and ((hugs)) Ride these rapids and keep your head above water ❤

It really makes me feel loved knowing that you would reach out to me and say that I need to listen to reason. I was being stubborn and not thinking clearly. I did take them and I will try to keep taking them. You’re such a good friend. Thanks for reaching out and helping me see the big picture.

Anytime Jess! Don’t be so hard on yourself. We’ve all had similar experiences. I went off meds for 10 years because they made me fat (I was anorexic). But now here I am, 6 years in, distinctly heavier, but much more content 🙂

I wasn’t going to leave a comment. I was simply going to like your post and move on. But that is not who I am. I have been where you are. I think all of us that have to deal with Bipolar have been. We get the” fuck it” attitude because we are so sick and tired of dealing with this beast. But I wanted to share with you, from my own experience, that going off of meds is not the answer. As someone else commented, this is just going to bring a new set of problems. And it is possible you might find yourself in a position that is going to be very hard to get out of. I have been off of meds twice. Because I was “fine” without meds. Because I was tired of spending money on poison that was making me fat. I was tired of having to work at being “normal”. But both times, I got into such a dark place that it was almost impossible to get out of. Thank God I had the sense about me to know I needed help again. And I had to start . All. Over. I don’t wish that on ANYONE. That is why I’m posting this. I don’t want you to go through that hell. Ultimately, it is your own choice on how you choose to deal with this. And really, I’m no one to you, so you don’t have to take my words into consideration. But please, think about it. Bipolar is a bitch. Make it your bitch. Don’t let it win.

I like “Bipolar is a bitch. Make it your bitch!” That should be on a T-Shirt! I figured that there would be a new set of problems with going off meds cold turkey. I just didn’t want to deal with the poisonous fat pills. I’ll take them. I won’t like it but I’ll try.

I understand your “fuck it” feeling, believe me I do. But going off meds entirely may bring you to a place that’s hard to come back from. There’s no saying “fuck it” to bipolar – it doesn’t go away. You’re stuck with it. And untreated bipolar can take you to very dark places. I think you know this. You probably hate me for saying all this and that’s ok. I’m more concerned for YOU and your survival. Bipolar ruins lives and brings people to the brink of suicide and beyond. It is a fatal disease for many. I hope you re-think your “no meds” decision. I am thinking of you and sending you all of my good thoughts and vibes during this very difficult time, friend.

Thanks! I really do miss hearing from you but you definitely save the best comments for times of great stress. I hope things work out. But you’re right-it doesn’t go away. So I guess I gotta keep fighting. Thanks for reaching out. I needed to hear this.

I am in a similar situation, I can’t seem to catch a break, off and on pills for 20 years, since I was a kid. I feel like nothing helps me anymore. My life is literally falling apart. I’m only still here because of my daughters but even my motivation for holding on is waning. I’m sorry You have had such a bad experience with meds. Sometimes they helped me but right now it feels like I need a booster of meds. I just want to not feel. But in all my struggles with Bipolar I must say the pills are for most of us, the only chance we have at relatively normal existence. Maybe not right for you but I would ask that if you’re struggling, give it another chance.

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