Eagles Players, Staff Missing A.J. Feeley

Bethlehem, PA — An era in Philadelphia sports began in 2001 when they drafted A.J. Feeley in the fifth round (easily the best draft steal of all time), an era of perfection. Feeley decided to travel the country, and changed teams at will. When he returned to the Eagles in 2006, Philly rejoiced. Headlines such as “Feeley signed, Super Bowl guaranteed” and “Eagles sign Best Quarterback in NFL history” were common sights in Eagles territory.

“The Feeley effect,” as it was called by local press, strengthened Philadelphia sports more than any other individual has. The Phillies 2008 World Series victory was dedicated to A.J. Feeley, and the Flyers were playing for Feeley in this year’s Stanley Cup playoffs. His influence even brought in NBA Forward, Elton Brand, who has a tattoo of Feeley across his chest.

This training camp marks the first training since 2005 without A.J. Feeley. The Eagles have been noticeably lethargic and even depressed in most cases. Most notably the wide receivers. Some have seen DeSean Jackkson cutting his wrists and crying in his car before reporting to practice. “When I signed here, I was promised I would be catching balls from A.J. Feeley,” said WR Hank Baskett, “now it is like ym heart has been ripped out, then raped, then put back in upside down.”

Star Corner back Asante Samuel said it is bitter sweet. “Well, you know, it is a lot easier to play defense without A.J. (Feeley) out there. But how are we going to win a Super Bowl without my n**** out there?” A tear fell from Samuel’s face as he walked away slowly. Defensive end Trent Cole has spent most of his free time making a noose to hang himself. “I can’t handle it,” said a very intoxicated and very sad Cole.

The Eagles lost Feeley during last season when they couldn’t afford his 6 year, $154 Million contract. He left to join the Panthers, who foolishly let him go. Feeley currently plays for the Rams (who have 1-1 odds to win the Super Bowl according to Las Vegas) and mentoring 1st round pick Sam Bradford. “Playing behind (A.J.) Feeley is like having sex with Jesus, if he was a really hot chick.” Perfectly said Bradford. Perfectly said.

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