Tuesday, April 05, 2005

goddamit

i made a real fool of myself on the bus this morning after i suffered another panic attack. a couple of the girls from work who know me were sitting behind, now i cant show my face again. feeling very tired when i woke up - for no good reason as it was the longest nights sleep ive had in ages. was feeling uncomfortable enough on the bus, wasnt concentrating on things and all of a sudden i noticed what i was staring at and flipped out. did what the doctor said and it helped me when i rememberered to do it, the breathing exercises on the sheet certainly helped although didnt have a paper bag. just turned up at work very anxiecious after that and wringing in sweat. didnt take my xanax for the last couple of nights as i thought i was stronger, just annoyed at myself that someone at work saw me. have booked a session with boycie for next week, feeling a lot safer now i'm at my desk. dont usually "comfort eat" but i need to right now.

usualy the tensest moment of my day is when i put money in the vending machine and the 5 seconds of not knowing if the sweets will drop or not fills me with anxiety. the funniest thing about the vending machine is that it is right outside the healthy eating department at work. i am hooked, i cant help myself for always eating snacks that i know are bad for me, i hate myself for sercoming to its lure. i'm off to get a tube of mints.

curse you vending machine temptress and your tantelising array of light snacks and beverages. why can you not vend scud mags and put an end to my embarrsement?