god its a shiny cake. but as i sit here and ponder the substance of todays encyclical im distracted. out of the corner of my minds eye, and out of the centre of my actual eye i can see a rainbow banner atop the page. now i dont know if you see it too but i suspect its visible to blogger and stalker reader alike. and i would like to apologise on behalf of my blog platform for the arrogance and the assumption that you are a) aware of its signification, b) consenting to the argument it’s saccharine ‘love is love’ mantra pretends not to be making or c) if not a supporter at least unoffended by its appearance. obviously this is all a bit cryptic but as you would know its very difficult to speak freely, to say TRUE FACTS in a landscape of snowflake surveillance and groupthink. i joke but of course, as those of you i am not meeting for the first time would know, im deadly serious.

but given the size of my following i dont think its wise, as my employer would say, to divide audiences so lets return to something we can all talk about with civility: cake. and to whitewash out the bitter taste, a food pic.

this is obviously NOT product placement because no one is sending me nutella or money for my pictorial comments. both of which i would warmly welcome but until such time i do it for free. this recipe is the first from SWEET, a book i have been waiting for for many many moons. heres le recipe.

ingredients

250g sour cream

130g greek yoghurt

1 1/2 tsp bicarb soda

3 eggs

280g caster sugar

250g butter (room temp)

2 tsp vanilla

460g plain flour

2 tsp bak pow

1 tsp salt

10g hazelnuts – thinly sliced, chopped or not even there at all

hazelnut crumble

80g hazelnuts roasted

80g caster

1 1/4 tsp cinnamon

1/4 tsp salt

Ganache

80g milk chocolate

80g nutella

100ml dub cream

FIRST make the hazelnut crumble

Begin by roasting your hazels if not already roasted. put them in food processor with sugar, cinnamon and alt and pulse til finely chopped. set aside.

pre heat the oven to 180 degrees. grease and flour a large bundt tin.

put the sour cream, yoghurt in a bowl and whisk in the bicarb soda. leave to stand for 15 mins for the mix to puff up and become light and airy. WEIRD SCIENCE

while puffing is taking place, out eggs and sugar in food processor and mix to combine. add butter and process for another min. at this point it will look disgusting and curdled. push on. because what even other choice do you have.

then mix vanilla into sour cream mix and pour it all into the food processor and pulse til combined. then tip the mix into a large bowl (i used pretty much every bowl i owned for this cake it was horribubble) and sift in the flour, baking powder and salt (which could have first been sifted into a separate bowl and then added but ENOUGH WITH THE BOWLS). stir until just combined.

now put one third of the mix into the cake tin and spread out with spatula. then sprinkle a generous layer or hazelnut crumple over. then do another layer of batter and so on and so forth, ending with a layer of nuts (3 cake batter layers in total). press the last layer of nuts gently in so they dont fall out which they will anyway. looks like this…a bit unappealing but patience iago.

put in oven for 55-60 mins. leave to cool for 10 mins then flip it out of its tin so it can breathe miz. erstwhile make the ganache

put chocolate and nutella in a bowl. heat cream very gently until little bubbles form around the edges. pour cream over chocolate and mix until smooth.

once the cake is completely cool pour over ganache. then sprinkle chopped hazelnuts. though i had lost interest completely by this final step so obvs you can do without.

twas a dark and stormy day. there were severe weather warnings. it wasnt exactly harvey but also it may as well have been.

gale warnings were issued for the poor little mariners, marining about the place. i learned that its hard to capture wind in a still image. there may be some rich symbolism in that. so you’ll have to take my word for it. and in these times of gales, “earthquakes” and terror there are few things more reassuring to the disturbed mind than snows 3C recipe ebook. replete with its own index. i was going to make a pavlova-roulade but truly who can be bothered. so snarrot cake it was. i do not have permission to republish this but if stealing intellectual property and making it freely available is a crime then lock me up.

ingredients

2 cups grated carrot (the living juices squeezed out of them. a thankless, hand-chilling task)

1 cup sugar

1 cup oil (i used sunflower)

3 eggs

vanill (not in original. why)

1 and 1/3 cups plain flour

1 and 1/3 tsp bi carb

1 and 1/3 tsp bak pow

1 and 1/2 tsp cidabod

1/2 cup walnuts

1/2 cup raisins (not in original)

icing ingreds. (i converted these from snow ounces. my pleasure)

115g cream cheese

vanill

30g butter

225g icing sug

walnuts for decoration if you are on the decorations committee

method

oven to 180 degs

grate the damn carrots. draining them of their juices

beat sugar and oil together. it looks, at this stage, quite revolting.

another post so soon you ask? well, the feedback has been so overwhelming i felt it would be a shame to lose the momentum. its always been such a supportive community and i just want to thank you all for your ongoing appreciation. snow, i know how much you enjoy onions so this one’s for you ralphie.

Some of you i know, some of you im meeting for the first time. those in the latter category, im not sure what youre doing here. so just bot off. those in the former category may remember this cake from such posts as butter cake.

circa 2010. simpler times. when we were kings. before we were doctors. before the great rupture of 2012. before all those that followed in its wake. back then things were smaller. tiny little bundt tins holding tiny little lives. things have slackened since. expanded. now we feast at the banquet and as we awake the next day, scratchy faced, puffy eyed, always a little heavier we ask ourselves the same questions: are we or are we not aliens? are there really tunes for bears to dance to? and where have all the children gone?

but in this age of bigger cakes and ontological anxiety, there are some truths we can cling to, some surfaces we can still touch. and as ceo, sheik humbali of armadale quoth, this cake is seminal. (not to be confused with simnel because marzipan is the devils food). the recipe remains unchanged. only bigger. and its happening below, from memory:

250g butter

2 cups sugar

4 eggs

vanilla

3 cups self raising flour

salt (lots)

6 tbsp cream (mine smelt a bit off but jazz hands joz said its fine – its all probiotics. theme and variation on her other meme, it’ll all come out in the wash)

4 tbsp cocoa powder

the rest, you know by heart. cream butter and sugar, add eggs one at a time. add vanilla. add flour, salt then cream.

pour 3/4 of the mix into a buttered and floured bundt tin.

mix the cocoa powder into the remaining mix and then pour on top.

theres really no pouring involved. its more of a very reluctant dolloping consistency.

i made this with cara cara oranges, the queen of citrus. they occupy the netherworld betwixt orange oranges and blood oranges. they are probably too precious to juice for a cake but too perfect not to. here they are amidst the remnants of late capitalism:

they come in for a mere 2 months. there was some concern that cyclone debbie may have disturbed the supply chain but based on the findings of my recent investigation (and mostly based on their availability) the fears were found to be unfounded.

this cake is baked in a special tin. this is the tin. its specialty. you have to buy it from a specialty shop for specialty people. it has feet, just like you and i.

this recipe seems pretty watertight. im not thrilled by the absence of vanilla but i didnt want to expose the cake to any training that might derail his teachings…

here is the recipe.

5 large eggs (separated)

1.5 cups sugar

1.5 cups self raising flour

3/4 cup sunflower oil

3/4 cup orange juice (i strained mine)

1 tsp lemon zest

beat egg whites stiffly with 1/3 of the sugar (which i calculated to be 1/2 a cup…without a calculator)