As we noted yesterday, Mother’s Day isn’t a universally joyous holiday. There are more than a few reasons to have mixed feelings about this weekend every May. But the day is particularly painful when t’s marked by profound loss. Even when you think you’re beyond the stages of grief, following the death of your mother or, perhaps, your child, this time of year can resurface a wave of complicated emotions and send them crashing right at your feet.

There’s no one coping mechanism that will suit everyone’s experience, and it’s likely that someone who’s lost a mom or a child has already had countless suggestions thrust upon them by well-intentioned friends and family. From support groups to solitude, they’ve likely heard it all.

This is for those of us who act in roles of support to them, for that aforementioned well-meaning friend who still has her mother or child and doesn’t know how to acknowledge the day among those who do not.

Here are few tips for navigating what is, for all involved, very difficult and sensitive terrain:

1. Ask first.
If you’re not quite sure how to make the day a little easier to survive, ask your friend or family member how she wishes to spend it. If she’s always shared an amiable relationship with your mom, might she like to be included in your festivities? Is she’s lost a child, would it be okay if yours made her a card? Does she even want Mother’s Day mentioned this Sunday? Would she like you to carve out a couple hours, pre- or post-Mother’s Day observance at your house, to take her to a movie or to dinner? If she’s visiting a space where her mother or child has been laid to rest, would she like you to go along for moral support?

The biggest thing to remember is: don’t presume. Every woman’s different, so our response to her loss should be unique.

2. Honor her wishes.
After you’ve asked if there’s anything you can do, and you’ve received your answer, respect it! This is especially important if the bereaved says that all she really wants to do is something like lock herself in her apartment, turn out the lights, and cue up some Donny Hathaway or Sade. Do not think your idea–a surprise cheer-up party, complete with Soul Train line–is better. It isn’t.

3. Be willing to remain silent. Be equally willing to talk about uncomfortable things.
If she doesn’t want to talk about her mother, her child, or Mother’s Day, try your hardest to avoid bringing them up. Conversely, if she does want to talk about anything at all, no matter how many tears it elicits or how uncomfortable a subject it is, commit to the conversation. Either way, listen twice as much as you speak.

4. Do your research.
If the loss is recent and the pain is fresh, it’s possible a grieving daughter or mom may have no idea what to do with herself on Mother’s Day. In cases like these, research can be helpful. A list of practical suggestions for how to support mothers who’ve lost their children can be found here. Blackdoctor.org is a sound resource for daughters who’ve experienced the loss of a mother.

It’s impossible to truly comprehend the emotions your friend or family member may be feeling if you’ve never experienced the loss of a parent or child yourself. It’s always best to let her dictate the role you’ll play, and try not to deviate from the script.

If you’ve lost a mother or child and Mother’s Day is particularly difficult for you, how would you like your friends to support you this year? Is there any additional advice you’d add to this list?

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Thanks so much for posting this. I lost my mom last year in June, this is the first mother’s day without her. Right now, I’m just ignoring the day. I feel like if I allow myself to actually recognize that it’s Mother’s Day, the immense pain will come up. I know as the years go by, it will get easier. But I am actually grateful for the people in my life who have been holding me/ and carrying me through the last year, and will continue to until I get back on my feet. It was the turning point of my life, when she died. But I am working daily to try to turn the tragedy to triumph. Use her legacy to fuel my purpose in life.