Looking for Something?

“First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she’d sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do.” https://t.co/Owclhi2D6T

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

Secretary of State

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

Secretary of DefenseChief of StaffNational Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

Secretary of Health and Human Services

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

Director of Communications

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

Speaker of the House

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Tucker Carlson and Other Assorted Bigots, by Cap & the Dominos

Y’know, things were actually pretty calm in Washington over the weekend. We might have even enjoyed an uncharacteristically normal news cycle or two, had not the maniacs in the conservative media stepped up to fill the void. There’s always one more meth-addled clown in the car, isn’t there?

Well, the February jobs report was megacrap. Odd that a monthlong government shutdown failed to produce runaway prosperity, don’tcha think? Anyway, has Shart Garfunkel’s joyride on the Obama economy finally run its course? Are we facing the consequences of the two-year theatrical run of Ernest Starts a Trade War? Tune in next week to find out, unless there are bread riots!

Bill Shine resigned. That’s fine. I don’t mind. Should I pine? He seemed unkind. I’m not blind. I won’t whine! In fact, I’ll fill my stein with the finest wine as I dine on brined swine.

Hey, so I guess a sex trafficker with significant ties to the Chinese government has been selling access to the Grand Wizard Grifter, a man who, as President, has shown a concerning willingness to put American policy up for sale to the highest bidder. I feel like that should be a bigger deal, don’t you? I feel like this should be a Drop Everything and Get to the Bottom of it Right Goddamn Now kind of story…so why does it feel like it’s landing like “Hey Look at this Video of a Cat and a Waffle who are Best Friends?”

Following a favorable court decision, the Bonespur Buttplug is moving forward with implementing parts of his hateful transgender military ban, which is another story that seems like it oughta be a bigger deal…y’know, the whole “moving backwards on civil rights” thing. I don’t want to bother anybody, but it seems like the sort of thing that might matter. A bit. Maybe.

Oh, y’know what else is happening? HHS needs more money to detain migrant children, so they’re diverting funds from frivolous little programs like “Alzheimer’s treatment” and “cancer prevention” to pay for more space to lock up little kids, because that’s the sort of thing you do when you let a Screeching Rectal Abscess like Stephen Miller set your priorities.

I see Betsy DeVos’ little brother, whose hobbies include war profiteering and freelance atrocities for hire, admitted in an interview to lying to Congress about some skeevy meetings on behalf of the Drumpf campaign, and I bet it’s a lot of fun sitting around, waiting to be indicted by the Mueller investigation. Every Amazon delivery brings a little thrill, doesn’t it, Erik? “Oh, is it a team of warrant-bearing FBI agents? Not this time, it’s just that autographed Jesse Ventura fanny pack I ordered! Maybe I’ll get one of those fun pre-dawn raids, better wear my nice pajamas!”

Despite a humiliating loss in 2017, and a lengthy history of censure, the Shittiest of All Possible Alabamans* is coming back for…wait for it…MOORE! GET IT? NOT ‘MORE,’ BUT…nevermind. Anyway, I guess “Judge” Roy Moore isn’t quite sick of seeing headlines documenting his proclivity towards child molestation, and wants to run for Senate again. But not ’till he’s rounded up every high school yearbook in the state for one giant bonfire, right?

Hey, speaking of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III’s old stompin’ grounds, I guess some of the frothier dumbfucks in the Rube Army actually had Government Cheese Goebbels sign their Bibles? Fake Christians engaging in a little light idolatry before the Walking Golden (Shower) Calf? Jesus, that’s the sort of literary cudgel symbolism you typically can’t find outside of a grad school poetry class.

While Hairplug Himmler has demonstrated little competence when it comes to diplomacy or legislation, the one field in which you must admit he’s exhibited consistent excellence is the steady annihilation of shame within the Republican Party. He’s really liberating conservatives from the shackles of Concealing Bilious Hatred From Polite Society.

Take Judge Jeanine Pirro, for example! Why, only a few short years ago, JP might’ve felt constrained when attacking a Muslim Congresswoman, perhaps limiting her tirade to a mere winking dog-whistle. But when the very Commander in Chief spreads racist conspiracy theories straight out of the Daily Stormer fan mail page, why hold back? Pirro got a little slap on the wrist this time, so maybe she’ll think twice before she takes that big leap to openly inciting violence against minorities…but then again, maybe she won’t.

Well, I’m sure the Judge is just an outlier. It’s not like white nationalists are working as staffers on prominent Republicans’ campaigns, or anything. Certainly not in Nebraska, and, I can assure you, most definitely not on Governor Pete Ricketts’ re-election team! Well, ok, except maybe this one guy. It’s ok though, the guy totally “regrets” his (checks notes) thousands of posts in a white supremacist chatroom. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

The nation reeled upon learning that the dead-eyed white supremacist with an asthmatic weasel’s laugh, aka Tucker Carlson, isn’t really the Kuddly All-Amerikkkan Hate-Monger he plays on television. Seems he hates women as much as he hates immigrants, which is…a lot. Oh, and for such a smug moralist, Liar Tuck is surprisingly down with child rape, which will please Judge Moore, if no one else.

Carlson won’t apologize, of course, and why should he? Spreading hate and fear is literally what he’s paid to do. The bigotry is the whole job description; the tough part is dressing it up like something else. I ask you…do you think the American right would rather get rid of the prejudice, or the pretense?

The moral of the story is, the only jobs you won’t lose when you get caught belching up the vilest imaginable hate speech are “Fox News host” and “U.S. President.”

Anyway, I think it’s well past time we lay to rest this ridiculous notion that our Very Fine POTUS is bigoted in any way! As Wild-Eyed, Bullet-Necklace-Wearing Loon Katrina Pierson reminds us, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is basically Lincoln.

You know who IS racist, though? Tucker Carlson, that’s who! Jesus, will I be able to finish tonight’s post without Media Matters releasing more of his pathetic drivel? It must be pretty tough to believe in your own racial superiority with that haircut, Tuck. Don’t know how you manage it.

Meanwhile, in the midst of all this rampant fuckery and unapologetic hate, the Republican base has decided that the real problem is the way they get treated like Klansmen JUST BECAUSE they wear their Klan hoods, excuse me, “MAGA hats” in public. So they’re making an app to help them find safe spaces where they can gather to swap QAnon theories and racist jokes while their Turd Emperor gives their bosses tax incentives to offshore their jobs.

Marco Rubio took a little break from tweeting out Bible verses he doesn’t follow to lament the explosion at the German Dam in Venezuela, and the ensuing blackouts. While there is no German Dam in Venezuela, there is a journalist named Germán Dam, who wrote an article on the electricity outages. It’s this sort of attention to detail that fills you with faith in the men and women who write laws for the rest of us. Seriously, raise my taxes right goddamn now, but let’s hire Rubio some staff before he endorses privatizing our nuclear arsenal, having mistakenly assumed he read “modernizing.”

After two years of incessant lying and nonstop failure, the one thing the Velveeta Vulgarian wants to set the record straight on is that he totally didn’t call Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple” because he’s a doddering old fart in a state of so-rapid-it’s-practically-visible mental decline, but because he is a genius who developed a bleeding edge time-saving scheme! Do you have any idea how many taxpayer-funded man-hours are lost annually to the blight of Using People’s Real Names? There’s gotta be some sorta Nobel Prize for this shit. Get me the Norwegian Ambassador!

And Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet dropped his funny little budget today, a deranged love letter to American plutocracy, scribbled in mustard on the inside of a small stack of fast food burger wrappers. Rather than clawing back one nickel’s worth of his tax scam’s massive giveaway to the wealthy, the budget proposes enormous cuts to the social safety net, cuz the Marm-a-Lago crowd is just plain sick of all the filthy takers breathing their air.

Because he is apparently incapable of learning on a deep, possibly even genetic level, Sharty McFly actually asked for a few billion dollars in Big Dumb Wall funding. Is he addicted to failure? Like some sort of reverse adrenaline junkie, forever jerking off to his own defeats? “Mick! Mick! Set up another summit with North Korea, I need another hit, Mick! Miiiiiiiiiiiiiick!”

Anyway, I’m releasing my own budget soon, and it calls for a vastly-increased beer allocation. True, Eisenhower warned of the Brewery-Industrial Complex, but ol’ Dwight was pretty much a cuck, wasn’t he? Anyway, I’ve gotta go get shitfaced before any more Carlson audio leaks.

Looking for Something?

“First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she’d sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do.” https://t.co/Owclhi2D6T

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

Secretary of State

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

Secretary of DefenseChief of StaffNational Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

Secretary of Health and Human Services

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

Director of Communications

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

Speaker of the House

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

4 Comments

Kate Ramage
on Monday, March 11th, 2019 at 11:36 pm

As an old fogey, I have a little trouble reading your reversed out white/black text, but as I think about it, the background could only be black. So I read this post on DailyKos, and wanted to thank you for lightening their somewhat sanctimonious “do it right, or we’ll ban you, and then where will you be?” attitude. I hope you prosper and continue to be allowed to share your gifts with those of us who might not otherwise have found you.
And if I had any geld at all, I’d somehow send you some of Portland’s endless varieties of “craft” beer. Sleep tight.

Permission to come aboard, Cap…?
Just wanted to say that you have been exceedingly righteous of late, not that this is anything new or unexpected. You, Wonkette and the twitter feeds of Rick Wilson, Daniel Dale and Walt Shaub have kept us afloat during our current dark age. Also, twice-monthly lunch with the girls, docent gig at a local historical site, First Saturday Writers Group and our simple-ass dog…oh, and going out back every night to thank the moon for being so awesome and non-judgmental. Seeking comfort where we can on retirees’ pittance:) Glad you, too, appreciate life’s simple pleasures and are living proof that beer is not just for boofing douchebags. We always knew that. Be well & carry on. xo, S.