May 13, 2010

Between Scott being away in Ireland, Gwen contracting pneumonia, my MRI results, Mother's Day and all the day to day stuff rolled in between, I'm woefully behind in blogging. Yes, again.

Okay, baby steps. My MRI results. No cancer. That's a great thing. But they did yield something interesting - I've been put on epileptic anti-seizure meds and they are kicking my butt! They are supposed to help with my headaches (and so far, so good!) but the lethargy is intense. I'm hoping I'll get used to them very soon and settle in.

And then there's Gwen with her asthma episodes. I swear, these are coming out of the clear blue sky. It's like she can get pneumonia out of thin air these days.

Mother's Day was good. I would like to say it was wonderful but I think there's always going to be an undercurrent of sadness in there for me. It's just so weird, celebrating a day dedicated to mothers knowing the one who tried to raise you failed. I spent the day bustling around with Scott's family and enjoying Gwen. And really, there's not much more that I'd rather be doing anyway.

Anyway, that's the boring play by play of what you've missed.

What's to come is even busier. We've got the upcoming dance recital, preschool graduation, water day at preschool, and the start of summer. I'm taking Gwennie on pony ride today as a surprise - I've been so busy around the house and I'm ready to slow down and enjoy these last couple of months before kindergarten starts. It's coming and I can't stop it....it's time to grab hold and hang on for the ride, no?

April 28, 2010

What a whirlwind it's been around here! A quickie trip to Disney with friends and now, we're back home, only to have Scott leave for Ireland and Scotland for a week. Talk about organized chaos.

Disney was fab. Exhausting but great...the makings of a perfect Disney trip. Gwen was beyond thrilled that she was finally tall enough to ride the big kid roller coaster. Thunder Mountain Railroad just about killed me, I think. I've all but lost my daredevil status in my middle age. Not her, though; she's quite the adventurous one.

I'm extremely tired tonight - I would love to say it's been all happiness and light around here but the truth is I've been suffering from some pretty serious headaches of recent. Debilitating, if you will. Today, I had an MRI of the brain.

And you know, no matter how many times I undergo an MRI, they always manage to scare the complete hell out of me. And a brain scan? Cripes, they force your head down, cover your face with a plastic "mask," keep you more confined than you probably were in the womb and push you into that infernal tunnel for what feels like hours. By the time the technician was finished with my scan, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I wanted out. It was all I could do to keep from pressing that emergency escape button. And I'm not even claustrophobic.

Now, we get to wait. My guess is that I won't hear anything until early next week. It's tough, though. I'm really, really hoping my headaches are just migraines. Possible stress-induced cluster headaches. Anything but cancer. I've gotten kind of used to living without cancer these days...I'd like to continue that, you know.

Pitiful blog post, I know, but like I said, I'm wiped. I took a couple pics at Disney - when I feel more like functioning, I'll actually download them off my digital camera. I promise.

April 16, 2010

We woke up, I made breakfast, we goofed around, got dressed. No fuss, no muss, no stress. Just happiness and light this morning. And the excitement of kindergarten screening.

Gwen wasn't the least bit unsure, intimidated or frightened. She was, for all intensive purposes, rarin' to go. We walked in the school, made our way to the gymnasium and checked in. And just like that, a teacher reached down, took her hand and off she went.

Without me. Without looking back. Didn't even throw her hand up in the air to wave a half-hearted goodbye. I'm not sure she even knew I was even going to stay and wait for her.

It was, by far, the worst thirty minutes I've spent alone in a long, long time. If, by "alone," you mean standing in a crowded elementary school gym, surrounded by PTA volunteers, other shell-shocked mothers and lots of rah rah school paraphernalia.

Oh yeah, Scott was there. And keep in mind, this is a man who isn't Mr. Social. But I swear to you, he wouldn't stop talking as Gwen was led away to the screening area. "Look at the artwork, hey the gym is cool, let's check this out, there's the library, look over there, yadda, yadda, yadda." He wouldn't shut up. And I say that lovingly, of course. He knew I was about to lose it so I guess he thought distraction would help. Not so much.

One of our neighbors was there volunteering and she waved to me. I caught her glance, went to speak, and then my nose started burning from trying to hold back the flood of tears. And they came. All I could do was look at her helplessly and walk away to a corner. And try to pretend like I was okay.

I don't want her to grow up. I do. No I don't. She's so big. Where's my baby girl? This can't be happening. But it is.

Welcome to the stream of consciousness that has been my thought process all day long today.

April 14, 2010

So, as most of you know, today we got a really asinine comment while waiting to check out in line at the grocery store. You'd think I'd be accustomed to this by now, but alas, I still find myself shocked at the sheer ignorance of most people regarding international adoption.

So I've been thinking; I suppose it's time to peel back some of the sheltered layers under which I've been raising Gwen.

Better to prepare her for what to come, I know. But it doesn't make me dislike it any less. It's tough to look at your sweet, innocent little girl and know in your heart that, sooner than later, she's going to encounter racism, hatred and ignorance.

I don't think I've ever written of this before but my parents are wholly racist. Terribly judgmental. I guess some would chalk it up to their age, their era. I grew up hearing all the words that now make me cringe to even think about. I was not a tolerant child. I did not embrace others who were different than me at all.

It wasn't until I met Scott's family as a teenager that my heart began to change. His aunt Ada Faye was unable to walk, mostly unable to talk and yet, I watched for years as his family embraced her. Truly loved her. It wasn't their family responsibility; she was a member of the family just like any other. I know to some that seems so common sense, but to a young girl raised in the language of hate in the south, it was staggering to witness.

I began to change. And now, I feel like I am so tolerant - this posting isn't meant to be about political vantage points but I feel like everyone is entitled to be who or how they want to be. Adopting a child from another race became an absolute no-brainier for me. Skin color didn't matter one damn bit to me.

We raise Gwen with the constant mantra of "all people are different shapes, sizes and colors and that is awesome!"

A child is a child is a child. And to all those people out there who think we should've adopted stateside, or not at all, or fostered, or whatever...go live your life. Live it how you want but keep your ignorant commentary out of mine. And if you don't, I'm going to make it my mission to educate you in that moment.

Just because small slices of Gwen's innocence are disappearing, I won't let that happen in a way that will harden her heart. I still believe tolerance is possible....I've got the sweetest sleeping girl one room over who shows me so every single day.

April 13, 2010

I lost my temper with Gwen this morning. Right before school, nonetheless.

I don't know if she's in a phase or what, but almost every sentence out of her mouth is a comparison and this morning, I'd had my fill. She looked at me and said, "Today, I'm prettier than you." Not that I cared on a personal level, mind you, but I am so sick of this crap.

It can be about anything: Am I best the drawer, the prettiest, the smartest, do I hang on the monkey bars the best - you name it, she can compare it. It's incessant.

Dear God, tell me this is a phase. It is driving me batty.

It's not as if we don't praise the child ad nauseum, we do. Is my kid the only one doing this? And what do I do to stop it?

April 12, 2010

So yesterday, we bought Gwen her first bike; she's in heaven. Oh, the big girlness of it all! I bet the child rode over a mile yesterday...multiple laps around the neighborhood, in the driveway, through the yard. She really had a ball.

It's interesting, these milestones. They're so different now....I remember the crawling, the first steps, the first tooth. Gwen's got a couple of friends who've already lost their first tooth and she's constantly tugging at her teeth, willing and wishing them to fall out. You know, she might be ready but I'm not.

I suppose you're never quite ready for the next milestone, huh? They just round the corner and arrive well before you're ever truly ready. But along we trod.

This week's a tough one for me. Gwen's got her kindergarten evaluation this Friday morning. Scott and I are both planning on taking her to the school; I'm proud of Scott for taking off work to be there with her. God, I'll probably cry. Who am I kidding, he's there for my moral support, not hers.

Gwen is her own girl now. And as proud of her as I am, it's tough stuff watching all this independence emerge.

So we have weekends like this past one. I totally ignored every household responsibility I have. My house is a thriving mess but darn it, we had fun. And I got some great pictures. It felt good to be behind the lens of a camera again...spring is invigorating, no?

April 11, 2010

April 09, 2010

I got asked to co-teach Gwen's preschool class (her primary teacher is out on family emergency) and aside from the one, super ultra annoying kid, it was awesome.

Just to see her playing with her little girlfriends, interacting with them, giggling and whispering was a real treat to observe. It's when you see your child, outside of your immediate influence doing what's right (standing up for her friends, walking away from a bully and saying no to another child who's being unkind) you know that you're doing something right.

Yep, I'm patting myself on the back today.

I'm definitely having some anxiety over the beginning of kindergarten but after today, the anxiety is easing a bit. She's gonna be okay.

April 08, 2010

April 07, 2010

Today was just one of those days. One of those days, that...well, one of those days that you dream about prior to becoming a mom. The day where your child doesn't misbehave nary a hair, where she randomly hugs you "just because," where you hold hands strolling down the street and share secret mommy daughter giggles. A day that couldn't be more storybook perfect if you'd written the narrative yourself.

Not all days come so easily. So when they do arise, I find myself sitting back, smiling from ear to ear. We've had our struggles - as I said yesterday, Gwen is really in the throes of beginning to process her adoption. Scott and I have been (age appropriately) open with her since the beginning. We speak of her foster and birth family every single day. We look at pictures, read adoption stories and encourage her to always express her feelings.

And we thought we were prepared.

Oh no.

Gwen has put out some zingers. Not to intentionally hurt us, but because she feels the loss. And adoption, even at its finest hour, is still about loss. Although Gwen may not know the word "abandonment," we know she feels it. She longs to know her birthmother, specifically. It's hard to hear her role playing, picking up her play cell phone, calling China. She "talks" to her birthmother. Some days she tells her [birthmother] what her favorite colors are, who her best friend is and about the happenings of her day. Other times, she talks of wanting to move to China so she can see her [birthmother.] You know, it's gut-wrenching to have to tell your five year old that she will probably never know her birthparents. Because there is no good answer to her "why?" There's no glossing that over - the best case scenario still hurts like hell.

And no matter how we frame it, the reality is that we can't give her that missing piece. And as a mother, you don't want your child to want or long for anything. So we hold her, we cry with her, we talk to her, we love her through it all. We tell her we understand and we try not to take it personally when she tells us she wants to move back to China. She longs to be whole.

I don't blame her; in a very different way, I long to be whole, too. My family, as I'm sure you all remember, sucks. Not very eloquent, I know...but oh so true. My mother, my father...they are the sorest of disappointments. And even though I consciously and rationally know that, emotionally I still yearn for what should've been.

So we roll along, in search of the missing piece that will never be.

We're doing what her therapist recommends and it's helping. We let her "write" letters to her birthparents and she keeps them in a very special box, all her own. We let her dress her stuffed animals in her baby clothes. We live China every day with her; and even though some days and weeks pass us by with no mention of her roots, we know the longing won't go away.

April 06, 2010

Six months. Last we spoke, the Pettys were on the mend. And still, we're mending. Holding steady and making it.

I guess the reason for the break was more for me to ignore the online drama. And let me tell you, there's nothing like an anonymous poster who loves to judge a blogger. Especially a mommy blogger. You know, because we're all perfect, don't you know? I didn't go into the reasons for our separation and I still won't. I've got one wonderful friend who helped carry me through and her word...well, it's good as gold. And the rest is between Scott and me. The last thing I ever want is for our troubles to be splayed in a Googleable search on the internet.

But people judged then. And you know, they'll still be judging years from now. Because that's just how some people live life. Nothing like reveling in someone else's discontent to inflate the old ego.

And do I have to ask about privacy anymore? This isn't high school. I'm not asking to sit at the cool kids' table; I just want to keep family stuff confined to my little slice of the blogosphere...not too much to ask, right?

Now, let's talk mommyhood, shall we?

Gwen is fab. The kid is brilliant, snarky and just tonight at dinner, she looked at me and asked a question. I didn't completely hear her and asked her to please repeat herself and she said, "Oh, I forgot. You're old." And then she proceeded to yell the question in my direction. Ah, self-confidence and motherhood - not a good mix.

In a little over a week, she'll have kindergarten evaluation. Can you even believe it? Weren't we just standing in Nanchang, China meeting for the first time? Time, time...the only thing in life without a pause button.

Scott's in Rhode Island this week - he's been on the traveling circuit quite a bit this year...go forth and rack up my frequent flier miles. We're pretty used to his traveling - the single mom gig got a lot easier for me during our separation. I also learned very quickly that he did a hell of a lot more around here than I gave him credit for. Perspective, the mighty equalizer.

Got lots to catch up on. We're definitely watching Gwen as she processes her adoption. We've got her in therapy. I really want to talk about that. But you know, I'm totally blowing you guys off for LOST. Sawyer, blog, Sawyer, blog, Sawyer, blog....

October 17, 2009

First things first. Scott and I celebrated eleven years together on October 11th. That felt good. We are still chugging along - still having our trials but we're making it with lots of communication and honesty.

Gwen and I took off this past week for yet another trip to Disney. I really believe taking her at this age is something I will never regret. She believes in all of it. And frankly, when I see her wide eyed and joyful, so do I.

We took part in the Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween parade / trick or treating and she had a ball. Here's a pic of her during the nighttime Halloween parade, sweat and all. I think the heat index was over a 100 degrees while we were there....but we managed...

And then there was the hula hooping contest at Disney. Gwen's got some skills, I tell ya. She "out hooped" every single big kid out there. She had the crowd entranced and and amazed...at one point Gwen was hula hooping three hoops at once! Heh. Loved that: I'm loving the part of her that is so spunky these days...she is wildly independent and is counting down the days where she will turn, in her words "a whole hand." She's got some spirit, this one.

Today, we decided to head over ot our local children's museum for the doggy / owner Halloween costume contest. Guess who won? Oh, you know they did...our two hula girls:

So, so much fun. Good way to spend an ultra chilly day here in North Carolina....

We've had quite a bit of family time here recently and I can see Gwen just thriving. Tonight, we sat at the dinner table eating and Gwen lifted her cup of milk and asked us to "play cheers." So Scott and I held up our glasses of wine and Gwen said, "Cheers...to Daddy being home with our family." Ditto, sweet girl...ditto.

Last weekend, we had a little fun outing to the pumpkin patch with friends and here are a couple of pics: Anyway, busy, busy, busy. October 20th will mark the longest I've ever been cancer-free....so I'm alot anxious and a little bit excited. Deep breath that my health stays in check. I'm feeling like I deserve a nice big break from cancer. It's been a long time since I celebrated the holidays cancer-free and I hope I'm not jinxing myself by wishing it so...

I'm being called for snuggles.....bathtime is over and storytime is at hand. I'm sure it will be another night of all things "Pinkalicious." Until later, friends.

October 05, 2009

Ah, don't you love my two week hiatus between posts these days? It seems as Gwen grows, my time to myself lessens more and more....

The big news is that Scott has moved back home. It's a bit tough, though....we've been apart for several months and it's amazing how quickly we've both acclimated to living solo. I've become a bit of a bed hog, splaying my entire body perpendicular across our bed and well...well, that doesn't bode too well when you have to share your sleeping space with another person. Thermostat wars are running rampant and we're just trying to both share our space mutually.

All I can really say is thank GOD for medication. Seriously, isn't it wonderful? I love, love, love that I am more patient, more loving and more zen now. When he moved out, I was in such a tailspin and my primary care doc suggested some mood stabilizers. I was hesitant at first, and they kinda sucked for the first month or so, but now, I am riding the wave of all things chill and I love it.

I'm happy that we are both committed to making our marriage work. We continue to be very open and honest with Gwen (age appropriately, of course) and explain to her that "Mommy and Daddy are working to be the best husband and wife we can be to one another." It's been tough but I will say this: we have taught that child a lesson that I think will stay with her forever - that marriage is work and you pull through and do what's needed to make things right. And I'm proud that we both put aside our anger for her. And well, for us, too.

Now, onto other happenings of recent. Gwen is a young lady now...Gone are the days of tantrums and I love it. I love that I can now reason with Gwen. She's such a little lady, with her own opinions and her own thoughts of what's best in her world.

I say it over and over, but she is the coolest kid ever. We were at Scott's parents' house this weekend and Gwen said as we were leaving, "Mom, you know how we have jet lag when we fly because we're tired?" I told her yes and she countered with, "Well, I have 'Nana lag' from having so much fun with Nana this weekend." Heh, so darn cute.

I'm starting to research schools for her kindergarten placement next year. Cripes. Really? This came way too quickly. The thought of her going off to school every single day makes me slightly nauseous. I love being able to pick up and hang out with her on a whim. That's the exact reason she's not in full time preschool this year - I just enjoy being with her and she with me. I'm sure the day will come where it's in vogue to ignore/hate your mom, so I'm relishing it all now. Hence the reason we're off to Disney in a week. I know, I know...but she still believes in princesses and castles, and there's no way I'm letting that pass us by all too quickly. No, I'm not the princess type, but if she's into all things pink and sparkle, then pink and sparkle it shall be.

This week we're off to the pumpkin patch, the symphony and the opera. Yep, I'm taking her to the opera...she loves live performances / theater and I encourage however and whenever I can. We'll see how she responds...

Well, it sounds like bath time is coming to an end which means it's book reading / snuggle time. Love having Scott home to share in those responsibilities. (Maybe I can blog more now!)

September 20, 2009

Yes, yes...I am here. Whew. I used to think motherhood knocked me down for the count but now that I am home alone with Gwen, I know that I was dead wrong. It's amazing how much I miss the little things: Scott giving her a bath every other night, being able to run errands at night after she's in bed, having a couple glasses of wine without thought of "what ifs" during the middle of the night because I had him here too...those things I miss dearly.

We are still muddling our way through this separation. It still sucks but at least now, I can say it sucks a little less. I've acclimated to single motherhood and I don't feel as overwhelmed and sad, Gwen and I are closer than ever and I've made my peace with the reasons for our split. In short, I've done quite a bit of growing.

I've done things on my own that I never would have before. It's been a little bit empowering, actually. Today, Gwen and I woke up, I took one look at the dirty laundry on my bedroom floor and asked her if she wanted to head to the mountains and go hiking. She enthusiastically agreed. We packed up a picnic, grabbed some hiking gear and off we went.

We covered almost four miles today. Just us. That felt damn good, I've got to tell ya.

Scott's over at the house just about every day he's in town (he still travels quite a bit) and we are keeping the normalcy here for Gwen. She asked him the other night how many sleeps until he lives back in our house. His reply? Well, I'm a little too superstitious to put it in writing, but it was very (very) positive.

We're still hanging in there, still going to counseling, still working at it. And frankly, in [very clear] hindsight, our marriage needed a major shakeup. And maybe, just maybe, this is for the best.

Onto Hawaii....

Amazing, amazing trip. Sure most of you have seen some of the pics on Facebook, so I won't repeat here but it was an outstanding time. We island hopped to the Big Island and Kauai from Oahu and I couldn't recommend a place anymore than I can Hawaii. I must've eaten my body weight in pineapple while we were there...it was that good.

We had days where we lounged and days where we were up at 4am Hawaii time and gone until late at night. Gwen was a champ throughout everything - the girl loves to travel, that's for sure.

One of my favorite pics from the trip...it's her expression, the absolute joy:

The days spent there were just that good. Period.

You know, that trip was planned in January of this year and it couldn't have come at a better time for our family. Up until about a week prior, I was under the impression that Gwen and I would be going it alone. You don't know how thankful I am that changed.

I really believe the three of us are meant to be a family. We all just fit.

Last week was Gwen's first week back at school. And dance. And gymnastics. And theater class. Whew, talk about a social calendar. Teenagerdom's gonna kill me if it's this chaotic now...I must live in denial until then, I fear.

And then we celebrated four years as a family on the 13th. Four years. Unbelievable. And this Wednesday (the 23rd) marks Gwen's four year anniversary of becoming an American citizen.

Our arrival home to the airport, being held by Aunt Amy...with Scott's Mom in the background...y'all remember this?

And then, you can fast forward to now:

My God, she's amazing.

Oh yes, and my CT Scan came back clear.

Like I said, we're getting there. It may be piecemeal, but we're getting there....

August 31, 2009

I am so, so ready to be in Hawaii already - getting there, not so much. Gwen's a great flier...but I still know tomorrow's going to be a long, long day.

Scott is slammed at work - I can see the stress written all over him even though he doesn't say much about it. I have the distinct feeling that his higher ups are urging him not to leave - even though this trip has been planned for over six months now.

I just hope we can all rest and relax and enjoy one another. I'm banking so much on this trip...so, so much. We are in need of some desperate family time.

Not sure if I'll post or not but I'll try and post on Facebook...that seems a little easier to me. Smaller chunks, you know?

Signing off for now. In a little over 24 hours from now, I hope I can wish you all a nice big "aloha..."

August 27, 2009

Whew. I'm a tired mama tonight. And a tired mama who probably isn't going to rest all that well tonight considering I've got a very active four year old in my bed currently working her way toward REM sleep.

Ah. It's a love-hate thing, having your child sleep with you. Love the snuggle time, hate getting kicked in the throat at 2 am. You know, if and when Scott does move back home, it's going to be all sorts of drama getting Gwen back into her own bed.

So many of my parenting mainstays fell by the wayside when he left. And letting her sleep in my bed was, frankly, something she needed at the time. And truth be told, I did too. I've shared a bed with someone for well over a decade and to suddenly find it empty was the biggest insomniac-inducing thing you could ever imagine.

But digressing...

Scott and I haven't really spoken all that much recently. He's still traveling all the time. I'm trying so desperately not to resent his job but it's hard. Some days, I really just want him here and not traveling the globe. I guess that's why I'm banking on this family trip so much. I know I shouldn't put all my eggs into one basket but I suppose it's all I've got right now so I'm just gonna roll with it.

Ah, the final days of summer. I'm rushing around trying to get everything readied for Gwen to return to school as soon as we return from vacation. It's always a bit chaotic no matter how far in advance you plan, it seems.

I'm so looking forward to this trip. As much of a struggle as it is to make this trip to Hawaii right now (while supporting two households), we've decided to go and to enjoy it. So we spent this weekend buckling down and mapping out our itinerary. It really will be the trip of a lifetime, I believe.

And more importantly than any scenery, I believe it's good for our family to be together, far, far away from the stress that surrounds us here.

So this week, I'm in pack everything, clean the house mode. Oh, and for good measure, I decided this coming weekend is the time we need to throw in a yard sale. Fab timing, for sure.

I'm feeling hopeful and grateful. And those feelings have been few and far between in the past couple of months so I'm just going to relish them for a nice long while.

August 21, 2009

So Gwen wakes up this morning and the very first thing out of her mouth is, "I dreamed about my birthmother." "Really?" I asked and she replied with, "Yes...she has peanut eyes like me." I asked her how she knew that and she then said, "...because she made my brain smart in her tummy."

August 20, 2009

My head is pounding. And that's after a mai-tai, a shot of vodka and a Vicodin.

It's getting old, being the one who is always saying 'I love you,' only to have it returned with a 'thank you.' S-u-c-k-s.

I feel like that girl in high school who no one ever wanted to date. It's depressing, you know? What about me is so damn unlovable? (Please don't answer that - I can only take so much rejection in one day.)

I just want him home. I hate being a single mother. I am sick to death of being the strong one. Do you hear that, God? I.Hate.It.

In a bad place. Apologies on the uber-depressing post. Off to cap off my night with an Ambien.

August 19, 2009

Wow. You guys are amazing. It's moments like last night and today,
when I read your emails and posts to the blog that I realized exactly
why it is that I love blogging so much.

It's the connectivity, the craving of understanding and warmth. It's knowing that I'm not alone.

Because
oh my, that feeling of isolation and failure is mind numbingly painful
when your marriage is on the brink. To be married for over a decade,
to know someone so intimately and realize that it's just not working in
its current state reeled me into a state of panic I cannot put into
words. I'd sit and think to myself that we would always work it out,
make it work.

And then he said the words. And they weren't
just bathed in anger this time. He was, sadly so, speaking from his
heart. He was ready to go.

So I packed up Gwen and headed to
Florida. I had to get away, to feel something other than the hurt that
every corner of my home exuded. We spent the week with friends. Gwen,
while knowing that I was sad, was entertained and busied with her
friends. I have never cried so much in my entire life. I drank wine
and listened to the waves crash. I thought about attorneys, about
losing our home, about Gwen begging for her Daddy. I didn't sleep. I hated me.

Those
first few days were among some of the worst. I remember staring into
space, thinking about how I couldn't even garner enough effort to
shower. Gwen ate chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese for the first
few weeks. Making it to a drive thru was monumental. Caring for her was barely all I could manage; I left myself to wallow.

I distanced myself from so many people in my life.

I hate to fail.

And
having to tell people that my husband left our home felt like the most
shameful secret I could ever reveal. Breaking perception isn't easy.
But you learn who your friends are very quickly in cases like this.

My
friends, thank God, know the story and love me in spite of it. I've
come to realize over the past month and a half that no one's story is
really all that pretty and glossy. It's just what we all do - we want
to only show the best of ourselves. Human nature, really.

But I
know something now I didn't at the beginning of all of this - Losing
your way isn't the end of the world - failing to find your way back is.

I
never said it, but I appreciated so much the emails from you (Jacquie!)
that basically said, "Look, I know things suck but I care. Even if you
never write me back." In those moments, I couldn't write anyone back;
hell, I didn't write anyone back. And some people became very offended
and some, well, some really understood. And that meant (and still
means) the world.

I'm rambling and buzzed on mai tais but all this to simply say I love my husband. In spite of. I'm just waiting it out until he [hopefully] says the same.

August 18, 2009

I'm not even sure I know how to write anymore, it's been so long. Guess I'm not even sure what to say, really. I know that I don't want to go into great detail over our separation. I don't want to put myself in that 'Jon and Kate' kind of saga, you know? God knows Gwen doesn't need this in print for her to dwell on later in life. I guess I'll write about it some just because it feels like a way out of this pit and fighting like hell for something is a good thing.

I'll say that separation sucks. A lot. Gwen had some major regression when Scott moved out. Lots of lots of separation anxiety - it took me right back to the days of old when we first arrived home from China. I sobbed. For days and weeks on end. And hated to see my bedroom turn into an empty abyss symbolizing failure.

We're trying but there's been a lot of hurt. And wading through it feels some days like being stuck in a tar pit without anyone so much as glancing my way. I never thought this would be me.

For so long, I've focused on the fact that I've been hurt. And I've focused a whole lot less on the fact that I've been the one hurting him, too. Making and reconciling past mistakes and hurt is some serious business, that I've learned firsthand.

The upside is that we have [both] remained ultra positive with Gwen.
No matter our anger, our hurt, our broken hearts I can fully say that
both of us are putting her first. And that keeps us motivated to do
the right thing.

But there have been some funny moments. Like when Gwen first went to Scott's apartment and asked him when he was going to show her (in her words) "the rest of his house." She's acclimating now and we keep reassuring her that she is loved by both of us more than anything else in the whole world. And it's getting better, slowly.

We even decided to take a vacation together to the Outer Banks for a week. It was lovely, actually. I'm starting to feel a little bit like Ashton, Demi and Bruce, though. We go out to dinner together, go to the park together and even vacation together. We just don't share the same household anymore. A little bit weird, no?

Later in the week, Scott and I will be heading for joint counseling. I'd be lying if I said I'm looking forward to it. There's a great big part of me that never wants to speak of our past mistakes again.

But we've resolved to go. A real "try," if you will. Right now, it's for her. I'm hoping, though, that maybe after peeling back some of the layers of hurt, it will be for us, too.

For now, we plod along. And I suppose that's better than being stagnant.

Because she deserves two parents who can look her in the eye later in life and say that we did everything we could to reconcile. So onward we trod.

May 28, 2009

So Gwen has been terrified of the water since the beginning. First the bath, then the pool, then the ocean. But over the past two years, we've made only little bits of progress here and there.

And then there was yesterday. Her very first ever swim lesson. I'm telling you, her instructor was able to get Gwen to do more in a thirty minute lesson than I've been able to accomplish over the past two years. It was amazing to watch. She's growing up, that girl.

And while I'm bragging, guess what she did this past weekend? She read! Like sounding out letters, putting them together, having that aha moment of reading! It was absolutely fascinating to sit there and watch her brain "click" when she figured out a word. It's still very challenging for her but shes doing it.

I'm such a proud mom.

Our days are jam packed over the next couple of weeks and so you can imagine how thrilled I am to be heading to Florida to spend time with friends at the beach for a few days next month. It's time for us to relax and unwind. In the meantime, this weekend is booked with all things dance recital and Nana's birthday. Today and tomorrow we have dress rehearsal - sounds so official for a four year old, no? Oh, but you know Gwen's thrilled - there's all sorts of pink and sparkle involved!

May 26, 2009

Gwen is becoming increasingly complex. We are dealing with lots and lots of questions about her birthfamily. Just today she said to me, "I don't like my birthmother." When I asked her why, she responded with, "...because it's not nice to put babies in boxes and leave them alone."

Oh my God.

Scott and I have always spoken of her abandonment in the truest form. We don't embellish, we don't gloss over but we keep it as positive and as age-appropriate as we can.

How on this planet I could carry on an actual conversation with her after that without melting into a puddle of tears was a feat of monumental proportions.

I see it; one minute, she is running around playing and the next, she is quiet. And then come the questions. And the need for reassurance. It is so draining, so heart-wrenching. I just want to somehow morph her into my body so she will never be without me.

Protect, protect, protect. That's the only thing I can think of, you know?