Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.

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On just doing it. Literally.

I feel like there’s a few things I could be asking you, but let’s not get into a whole life story here. I don’t know, I’m like, well into being too old for this shit, but I don’t really know what I even want. I’m pretty terrified of dating, fucking, generally anything out of what I know. Last year I decided I was asexual, except now I think that’s probably just me looking for the easy way out. I just turned legal, so my first bar trip was amazing in that I introduced myself to this kid (post-downing a couple glasses of liquid confidence) I sort of met once before and we ended up dancing like mad and having a goodbye make-out sesh, which may have been the first time I kissed anyone and was legit excited about that fact? I don’t know. Every time someone’s interested in me I’ve usually been into them for a while before that, but as soon as I realize it’s reciprocated I get fucking freaked and back out. I’ve had a crush on another guy for a while, but my friend (who I’ve never told that about) was like “hey, you know, you should go for that kid…” I was like shit, this cannot happen, and now I’m terrified she’s going to try to hook us up. I’ve been fine for yearsss on my own, thinking I’m immune to the insanity that everyone else obsesssses over, but after the bar incident I can barely concentrate on anything else. Help, what the fuck?!

No one is immune to the insanity. Sex is the cornerstone of the human condition.

If you’ve got physical or emotional intimacy issues that are crippling your romantic relationships, maybe you should talk to a shrink. Then again, maybe all you need is a self help book and some good porn.

Either way, now that you’ve realized you’re not neutered, it’s time for you to face your fears and put those genitals to use.