Messages - young shinobi

A chanceFrom where I stand, I feel the strong hold of the ground, since I am on the bear ground, the utter bottom, ground zero, I have lost every bit of my being to this life style, I have ruined my last chance at college, my bank account is on the negative side and I am barely earning a living as a waiter.What I can add to my list is a disoriented sense of religion, no idea of the future and a chronic addiction that caused me more than I can count.I can’t say if this my true state, my fundamental nature, since I lost my self-consciousness too, but what is clear to me is that I have now more than ever a golden opportunity to build the life that I’ve always wanted, to create the version of a life that has been swiped away by random life currents, by false dreams and aspiration, by a default sense of pride and stubbornness.I have no idea where I am going, accept that now I can tell that my dreams start here, with my mother and sister, beyond the conventions of academic hierarchy, I want to learn news tools and acquire a different type of knowledge, far pass the math and science, accept that in order for me to earn that right of learning, and for me to actually do something with my sad little life, I have to give my brain a truss, a break from an endless tread of pornography.I want to learn new exiting things every day. A week ago, I got a call from a famous call-center, saying that I have been invited for an interview. today I just finished my first day of internship curses, I’ve meet new people, despite my last 2 disastrous experiences in call centers, it seems to have it all, a progressive career and a dynamic workspace.It was for sure a breath of fresh air compared to that dump where I work as a waiter, today was so good that it took my minds of so many things, academic failure, depressive life style, even PMO, and I kind a gave myself some hope for a better tomorrow.It feels right this time, one thing is guaranteed, is that I’m going to strive to earn more money one step at a time, the thing I have in mind right now is as close to a plan as it gets.First, I am going to start working in , and becoming very good in sales, to earn more money, if I can rise above the 10 000 MAD, me, mom and sister are going to get our own place, I will also start a little commerce on the side, baby step at a time, and try to get some kids to tutor. As for my learning, I am interested in a specific type of skills and knowledge, to earn my rightful place in this world I will have to find another way to require this base of information to guide me through my way in life. Everything from behaviors physiology to artistic skills, writing and pencil drawing, web design, blogging, I also want to expand my knowledge in architecture and cooking skills. even if that means to pay for my education.I am done playing dumb, I am done waiting for the right moment, or the right circumstances to do something, the mind shift I am locking for means taht I have to stop expecting failure before even trying, to stop minimizing my actions and efforts, to gain enough patience with time, and adopting a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset that I have right now.Nothing is going to change overnight, my biggest hopes is for me to recover from porn addiction by implementing the right habits, to find keystone habit and focusing on the 20% of my 80%[ pareto], and letting everything else fall into place.Because then I may stand a chance at realizing my plan, and perhaps making my dreams come true, or at least a peaceful life near my mother and sister. I am still breathing, I’m still waking up every morning, alive and well so that means the best is yet to come, and it’s not over until I win.

The beginning I have Always been addicted to new beginnings , new years eve, the start of a special months , and somehow I always managed to ruin each and every one of this fresh starts. For the last days , weeks & months I have succeeded in transforming my life into a reality of my worst nightmares , uneducated , unemployed ,unhappy and out of shape of curse. I have reached a point where I am no longer willing to continue this path because it is leading toward an end that even my desensitized state can’t handle.I have also managed to destroy any sense of orientation I had in the past, I am 24 years old now and for the first time ever I have no idea where am I going, I ignore the purpose of my life, I can’t define my self any more , what I am good at , or what path should I follow , writing , science ,fitness ,food, computer programming or any of the branches that can lead me to a fulfilling life style and a passionate tone of work.My addiction is dragging me down the rabbit hole, the more deeper I get the more my senses disappear , whatever type of talents or gifts I have is dying. getting closer and closer to death. So why bother doing something different today, cleaning up , praying and asking Allah for forgiveness.Did I somehow started to listen more to that deep voice of hope, believing that there is more of you than a tormented life of addiction, that the goodness within is fighting it’s way back to the surface. this habit of writing on the computer seams to have had helped my case a bit more , I also went to the economical capitol Casablanca with a friend for few times , and getting to know the commerce world a little bit more made it clear that everyone no matter how poor or unlucky his life might be seams to be trying to cope with the outside world by any means necessary. Giving up is not a choice, letting life get the best of you is ridiculous , everybody is TRYING.At the light of my current situation where all of my life is turned upside down, no school , no career, no life I believe that this my chance to stop earning this life and start designing one . I am at the crossed road where I get to choose a direction for my life , and this the beginning I am looking for , my mission now is more crucial than ever , I need to set a curse to my life , I need to find my destination , my vision.And I couldn’t choose any worst than now, where I stand to be the only life support to my mother and sister, they rely on me more than I think, financially but more important mentally.They are my responsibility , and the source of my strength no matter how hard I try to deny that.i am somehow there HERO.

Today . I'm marking again my first day in the reboot journey . I went for the first time to therapist to find someone for help . Guess what he kicked me out of his office . Thinking i was being funny . I look like a young strong 23 years old man with no mental health probleme. The probleme is in my self . Im holding my self back . Im letting this addiction to affect my studies . My work and my life . I hold the key to get out of this storm my self

My life is a mess right now. I feel distant with everybody, my self-control is almost nonexistent, and I think I am depressed. I keep putting up a facade that I am fine, and I want to believe I am, but I am not. I craved for Gods presence in my life. Yet I keep trying to justify my acrions, searching for validation that masturbation is alright, that porn is not a sin. Its ruining my values, temperance, relationship with God and others. And whenever I wallow on such thoughts, I want to masturbate to forget. Its an endless cycle.

For some reason . I can relate to so many things you said. Your words speaks from a deep honnest place in your self . I my self feel the same way right now . I just realapsed . And i wish there something to say or to do to make you feel better . I guess support is perhaps helpfull. Here is my email in case you needed someone to talk to or share your thoughts : auricalcoce@hotmail.com

When it comes to time . I believe that it has the power to set us free. But it is realy hard to gain time as friend . Espacialy if we have a daily struggle . And ADD symptoms generated from pmo makes distractibility/procrastination a serious probleme. The key here is to have a mind set in witch you start implementing habit behavior paterns gradualy . And to the us rebooters change must be very slow and consistent. The moment the activity start to seam easy and effortless . Get to the next one.Read my journal on : time wave : i hope you find something usefull on it. And keep fighting man . Don't give up yet

Hi man . Hold on tight man.As a student for a physic bachelor degree . I can relate to certain things . Such as the will to overcome study phobia . And do the hard work . As someone how struggles with the academic side of his life . I just want to remind you & my self included that perhaps that degree ( master /bachelor/phd) Is our life boot from PMO addiction . And our way out of the storm.

Two week, exactly 14 days =about 348 hours, since I have decided to make a different choice every time I get the chance to.

I have relapsed more than five time after my last post , I was of curse dwelling inside the PMO black hole , from witch no hope , no wise acts and no willing to act escapes it’s trap. Despite the overwhelming feeling of disorientation, and despair , something deep down kept whispering in my head ; “change”.

So in the 28 November , two weeks ago, I attended a motivational seminar , where I had the courage to stand in front of 800 stranger and speak up about my struggle with PMO . this was the beginning of my desired journey.

7 days later I witnessed a car accident , in witch a friend of mine from work got hit by car , the emotional height of weakness & sorrow was so strong that I knew that I was still alive deep down , and that I owed to my self to do whatever it take to stop feeling weak , vulnerable and helpless .

In order for me to break the cycle of PMO , I need to step into my fairs : ”religion”;” studies”; family” “work”.; and“ my self ”. The five pillars of my life. and the guide line of my decision making.

I crossed the fifth week barrier =827 hours since I decided to let go of my biggest weakness, and rediscover what my body and brain is capable of .

I remember posting here on reboot nation an article called the power of sleep in witch I discuss the matter of early rising habit and how it affect my mood during the day . So in light of my new approach this time, the new year comes with an upgrade :

” The morning ritual “ .

From where I stand I can honestly say that this segment of my time table determines the outcomes of my entire day. For the last 34 days I have been waking up every single day at 05h30 with so much energy throughout the entire day .

On the other hand I’ve experienced porn fantasy and chaser effect only on days that I messed this section of my day , the days where I miss the TIME WAVE.

To make every day more interesting than the other I like to think of the next morning as an ocean wave , and I’m an amateur surfer how’s trying to catch that one & only WAVE . if I wake up exactly at 05h30 , and I go through the entire morning ritual :” cold shower =gratitude tea=reading my goals=prayer=meditation and finally writing in my journals -memories of a young shinobi-“ I ride the time wave until the end of the day with full energy and focus. I get to work on my bachelor degree , to catch an 8 hour shift as a waiter ,workout, do my home shores and spare time for my mother and sister .

This is the kind of positive feedback I was expecting from rebooting, to be self-aware of time , loved ones and activities that once where neglected by my PMO episodes .

I know more than ever how much time is valuable to me, & that the biggest trigger for my PMOing is time chaos.

Less activities means more free time & eventually more chances for the addiction behavior pattern to take place.

After this relapse, I knew that if I let the shame robe me of my focus on the few activities & habits I successfully designed:

“Park workout”, “study session “, & “morning ritual”.

I will loose the momentum of recovery, & inevitably dive deep into my addiction.

This addiction kept me under the surface for too long. I believe that a life free from PMO addiction will grant me access to my full potential. a life free from Porn , Masturbation is one where my strong will take form , and where God , my creator will be there for me , helping me every step of the way.

A life free from addiction is where my dreams comes true , where I get to go to Japan , where my mother , sister & I have a home of our own.

Where I can enjoy every breath, every color ,& every smell , because I’m no longer a slave .I AM A MASTER OF MY OWN EXISTANCE.

Two week, exactly 14 days =about 348 hours, since I have decided to make a different choice every time I get the chance to.

I have relapsed more than five time after my last post , I was of curse dwelling inside the PMO black hole , from witch no hope , no wise acts and no willing to act escapes it’s trap. Despite the overwhelming feeling of disorientation, and despair , something deep down kept whispering in my head ; “change”.

So in the 28 November , two weeks ago, I attended a motivational seminar , where I had the courage to stand in front of 800 stranger and speak up about my struggle with PMO . this was the beginning of my desired journey.

7 days later I witnessed a car accident , in witch a friend of mine from work got hit by car , the emotional height of weakness & sorrow was so strong that I knew that I was still alive deep down , and that I owed to my self to do whatever it take to stop feeling weak , vulnerable and helpless .

In order for me to break the cycle of PMO , I need to step into my fairs : ”religion”;” studies”; family” “work”.; and“ my self ”. The five pillars of my life. and the guide line of my decision making.

From my seventeen up until now:I’m 22 year old for the current time. And I can still remember my graduation year like it was yesterday , precisely the 26 June 2012, when I saw my final score , my hopes and dreams fall apart:- At that moment all I could recall where my times in front of the computer screens , wasting time in a vicious PMO cycle , at school , down-town cyberspace , even at the family place if they had any remote internet access .From that miserable date my life took a wrong turn to hell, my addiction became heavier and heavier as the years went by:- my social life became= zero - my human contact became=zero, - My academic achieving = mediocre.This last point was even more hurtful, I originated from a poor family, and my success meant saving them from the bottom. But after enlisting my name in a close home university - like community college – with no girlfriend, no friends , no hobbies and definitely no workout since my PMOing/over sleeping took all of my time , I realized that the young 16 year athlete how loved math and physics was no longer inside , I was replaced by a lost soul , stocked in regret and memory land .This where the most dangerous PMO consequence I felt each day passing by :- no motivation- no drive toward life - a chronic social anxiety - an out of shape physic - no emotion response- no sense of time- isolation from the outside world- brain fog and a close symptoms to ADDmy longest strike on PMO was 67 days last summer , I got a waiter job ,and I was occupied almost the hall day , at night when I would comeback , I would go straight to bed without even thinking about P or M , before that was a 46 day strike , in my third year of college , I made a full schedule of studies/workout/leisure’s ,but couldn’t commit to it because thanks to my addiction , I never finish what I start .I hope my story wasn’t so long , or boring for that matter , but 12 years of struggle isn’t quit easy to be resumed in few words , so thanks to anyone how spend this last 5 minutes finishing it. THANK YOU ALL

Greeting to the entire reboot nation. I’m 22 years old young student from Morocco and this my speak up story.I joined this community as a first step in getting support and sharing my story with everyone , hoping to find the last pieces I need to get ride of this vice ones and for all.After a none ending cycle of relapsing, I just passed my first day PMO free as my first step in the 100 foot journey.At the age of 10:I have been addicted to P for over 12 years, and it all started with the (-18) French movies where I have my first encounter with naked woman bodies and sex scenes , I easily got hooked on it waiting for the next movie to run other scenes so I can feed my 10 years curiosity .this fact is new to me because For the first time I made a great effort remembering my first contact with P.After that came the school rivalry to watch the first P images in public cyber –since I never had a computer- , and after that motion videos came along so I can get instantly hooked on P . At the age of 14 :4 years later I made my first act of M , alone in the shower with no sex stimulate, I remember it was only an act of curiosity to discover my puberty , the first rush of dopamine was so good –addicting good-.First I used to make fantasy stories in my head to M but when I discovered how much the process was easier and more rewarding with P , it’s then when the problems began .Through primary and middle school I was a real good athlete, an A student how made ever lasting good impressions on every person I meet , I was kind , funny . Teachers, neighbors , family even regular friends saw me as a smart and talented young person with great future. Some people remember my name in time where don’t even recognized them.At the age of 14-16:High school came with my first years with this secret struggle , my mental and physical abilities started to fade away , my scores got lower and I always felt weak and trapped without making the connection to my addiction because at the time I didn’t see it that way , it was only a fun time to relief the stress and feel momentarily good about my self .At the age of 16 :Due to my restricted access to internet , and at 2010 I joined a military school , the first year was awesome , I was top 5 in school , a promising runner . I fell in love for the first time with a smart beautiful girl and I had great ambitions to go further , to graduate with high scores and win a scholarship to Japan to finish my university studies , but the fairytale was coming to and end.

This was my true identity, I had two loved ones in my life, all I can remember is that all my fights were driven by my deep desire to save theme. My dear Mother and my beautiful little sister. Everything else was simple and pure.Then a villain came along [PMO/ADDICTION], he was strong, powerful, and he never seamed to have a weakness point. The more I got weaker the greater his power became.At that time it never crossed my mind that the villain and the young shinobi were one person, two faces of the same coin.I , the young shinobi , never had the enough power to escape from this trap, after hitting my 18 birthday , it was clear to me that I was trapped in a never ending vicious cycle, since my mind didn’t shift, the same events , experiences perpetuated theme self, over and over again for the last 4 years . I used to train almost every day because I wanted to gain strength , I was always inspired by math , physics and even literature because I needed to obtain more knowledge , wisdom and intelligence , “to my the right mind is in the right body “.But after my encounter with the villain, my addiction, my repetitive acts of MASTURBATING/PORNOGRAPHY. My warrior identity started to fade away , my drive to succeed ,and even my true love toward my mother and sister wasn’t enough to stand up and face the villain in the battle field and say :”NO, you are not me , and this is how you are going down”.

The transformation needs to happen now, I still want to achieve my first academic record, I want to study hard enough to earn a scholarship to Japan, I also want to become a real strong/wise Man by the time I hit 25 year. I crave the desire to push my physical and mental abilities to the limits and see where I can get , the sky is the limit.My mother is probably the only person how never gave up on me , she was also the first person to know about my struggle with PMO, she was very comprehensive , and told my this phrase like every time she does:“ you have greatness inside you , you just need to tape into it”So to all of you guys up there, reboot nation , how had enough of being average , over looked , under estimated because our addiction left us with no choice but to give up , today, tonight , we declare war upon this abomination .Every single day passing by during our reboot process will testify that we never quieted, never surrounded, and all the tools we will use against this enemy will make use stronger, faster and smarter.Wake up early every single day , use your body and workout every single day , feed your mind with books and words of wisdom, and life lasting lessons instead of momentary instant of fake pleasure, live life and prosper.Thanks to all ya.

welcome to the community sean , this is for sure the road to win our faith back in God , me too, during the numerous times i have PMOed , i knew that every time i did it , i set my self litlle more further from my faith , because eventualy it is a sin.good luck during this and we are all here for support .

good luck man , we all here to help. it is cuite a strange way to ealise that we have an addiction , we all took it for granting , and no for one raison or another we are obligated to make a change in our lifes ones and for all.congrats on your 9 days

hi Man , this only the start , there will be a lot of lost batales before wining the war so good luck , remember all you learned during this 9 days and dont fall in tha same mistakes , you deserve to be happy man , so keep going.

Hello everyone.My name is muhammad taha. I am 26 years old guy.I have been on this forum with different ID and names in past.But I am one of oldest member here.At one time, I had the greatest numbers of post in my bag on this forum.

So lets start with my life story. I will just be brief. otherwise I would have to write 10 pages.

Life story briefly

I was born with Moebius syndrome, a very rare and extremely shameful defect for the victim of bad gene.I had a extremely hard childhood.I had problems in my school too.I was physically and emotionally abused by kids at school, teachers , my parents and most of the people I knew.I was sexually abused by my cousin too, although it was not a rape but it was by the agreement of both. but still it was sexual exploitation of young kid.Problems and difficulties remained in my life for ever.

Now I am living in US.

Current Situation

Although I am making some money but I am not satisfied with my job at this time.I am suffering from porn addiction and frequent ejaculations.Porn is all about girls and love, but the most hated part is the ejaculation which comes after that.I hate ejaculation more than porn.

any ways that's a different debate.

So,

I am suffering also from severe depression.I am suffering from social anxiety.I face many kinds of anxieties.

I can be bipolar as well, because for very short peiod of time I become religious muslim, but soon after that I come back into reality and become atheist again.in the same manner, sometimes I become very nice person,good loving and caring and then I become selfish again when I come back into reality.

I don't have any problem with being selfish and atheist.I love to be selfish and atheist.

Religion for me is just waste of time.

But I want to end the mood swing and this bipolar personality.sometimes good sometimes bad, this should end.

suicidal thoughts are always coming in my brain.few days back I went into kitchen, grabbed a knife in right hand and I was looking at my veins in left hand, and I was just thinking how much pain I will go through if I cut my veins and get freedom from this dark life.but then I decided I might try some other day, lets see there might be some hope in near future.

Hi mohammed , i think i know you , you commented in several of my posts. Perhaps i can relate more , in both suicidal thought , and also on the religious side , for me my biggest lost was my fatn toward my religion , this addiction takes every strenght source we have, i'm also struggling with guetting back to my faith, and please , during your reboot , you will experience full emotional hights from suicide to extreme happines , so if you get those demons ideas about suicide ' feel it , understand it , and then let it go , it will eventualy go away

From my seventeen up until now:I’m 22 year old for the current time. And I can still remember my graduation year like it was yesterday , precisely the 26 June 2012, when I saw my final score , my hopes and dreams fall apart:- At that moment all I could recall where my times in front of the computer screens , wasting time in a vicious PMO cycle , at school , down-town cyberspace , even at the family place if they had any remote internet access .From that miserable date my life took a wrong turn to hell, my addiction became heavier and heavier as the years went by:- my social life became= zero - my human contact became=zero, - My academic achieving = mediocre.This last point was even more hurtful, I originated from a poor family, and my success meant saving them from the bottom. But after enlisting my name in a close home university - like community college – with no girlfriend, no friends , no hobbies and definitely no workout since my PMOing/over sleeping took all of my time , I realized that the young 16 year athlete how loved math and physics was no longer inside , I was replaced by a lost soul , stocked in regret and memory land .This where the most dangerous PMO consequence I felt each day passing by :- no motivation- no drive toward life - a chronic social anxiety - an out of shape physic - no emotion response- no sense of time- isolation from the outside world- brain fog and a close symptoms to ADDmy longest strike on PMO was 67 days last summer , I got a waiter job ,and I was occupied almost the hall day , at night when I would comeback , I would go straight to bed without even thinking about P or M , before that was a 46 day strike , in my third year of college , I made a full schedule of studies/workout/leisure’s ,but couldn’t commit to it because thanks to my addiction , I never finish what I start .I hope my story wasn’t so long , or boring for that matter , but 12 years of struggle isn’t quit easy to be resumed in few words , so thanks to anyone how spend this last 5 minutes finishing it. THANK YOU ALL

Greeting to the entire reboot nation. I’m 22 years old young student from Morocco and this my speak up story.I joined this community as a first step in getting support and sharing my story with everyone , hoping to find the last pieces I need to get ride of this vice ones and for all.After a none ending cycle of relapsing, I just passed my first day PMO free as my first step in the 100 foot journey.At the age of 10:I have been addicted to P for over 12 years, and it all started with the (-18) French movies where I have my first encounter with naked woman bodies and sex scenes , I easily got hooked on it waiting for the next movie to run other scenes so I can feed my 10 years curiosity .this fact is new to me because For the first time I made a great effort remembering my first contact with P.After that came the school rivalry to watch the first P images in public cyber –since I never had a computer- , and after that motion videos came along so I can get instantly hooked on P . At the age of 14 :4 years later I made my first act of M , alone in the shower with no sex stimulate, I remember it was only an act of curiosity to discover my puberty , the first rush of dopamine was so good –addicting good-.First I used to make fantasy stories in my head to M but when I discovered how much the process was easier and more rewarding with P , it’s then when the problems began .Through primary and middle school I was a real good athlete, an A student how made ever lasting good impressions on every person I meet , I was kind , funny . Teachers, neighbors , family even regular friends saw me as a smart and talented young person with great future. Some people remember my name in time where don’t even recognized them.At the age of 14-16:High school came with my first years with this secret struggle , my mental and physical abilities started to fade away , my scores got lower and I always felt weak and trapped without making the connection to my addiction because at the time I didn’t see it that way , it was only a fun time to relief the stress and feel momentarily good about my self .At the age of 16 :Due to my restricted access to internet , and at 2010 I joined a military school , the first year was awesome , I was top 5 in school , a promising runner . I fell in love for the first time with a smart beautiful girl and I had great ambitions to go further , to graduate with high scores and win a scholarship to Japan to finish my university studies , but the fairytale was coming to and end.

good luck man , your almost there , i realy want to do wethever it takes to get there too , because the first breath i will take after my recovery will be the first one alive . you seam to talk all ot about cold showers does that help to hold back the urges , or is it like a good habit you used to do