Message Boards

Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Has the fire gone out in your love life? Share your ways to reignite romance in your relationship.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

My whole life I have been on the heavier side. I guess we both have let ourselves go. I would say I have lost and gained around 20 pounds, 15 of it was when I started taking birth control pills. My husband has gained around 20 as well. My exercise routine consist of chasing a 20 month old around all day! I also have 2 other children from a previous relationship. The way I dress, present myself, personal hygeine, everything is the same. When I was pregnant we had a friend living with us and he would buy ice cream every night. I had a really hard time saying no to it and i ended up putting on almost 35 pounds during my pregnancy. I had lost all but 2 pounds when I went for my 6 week check up. Then when I went for my yearly exam I had lost 8 pounds more, putting me lower then my pre-pregnancy weight. But that was last year and I have found ice cream to be very comforting! I weight about 20 pounds more then I did at this time last year. When I ask him to support me when I am dieting ( don't bring home sodas or sweets) he always tells me we don't have enough money to buy "healthier" foods. SO we eat processed foods more then we should. By gaining this weight I have lowered my self esteem and I know my children see it. I just want him to be honest with out being mean to me about my weight and help me out by encouraging me to loose weight, not make me feel like crap because I gained some weight and make me feel repulsive to him.

20 lbs is NOT a lot of weight to gain...and not what I was reffering to....

Your honesty is refreshing...and not written from someone who is hell bent on self victimization...

Something like you are experiencing should be done together, as a team. You seem to already know this. Your attitude seems OK...your husbands seems to be a tad on the defeatist side.... You might have gained a few lbs, but 20 lbs is hardly "letting yourself go"...you have a little work in front of you (if you so desire)...I know MANY people who are extremely attractive who don't have movie star badies...

I'll just say this, and you also alluded to this in your post...You already know that you have too much ice cream. You know what you have to do. You shouldn't wait for him if *YOU* want to drop a few lbs. ...and don't wait for his approval either....

Self esteem has to come from *yourself*...(hence the term)...if you are waiting for someone else's approval to put value on what you see in the mirror, you are shoveling against the tide...Did you ever think that *he* might be the one with self esteem issues?, and if that is the case, you are waiting for approval that can't come because he is unhappy with himself...

And just for the record...there is nothing wrong with being on the heavier side either... I bet you already know what to do to get yourself to where you want to be. You already possess that knowledge...You don't need a diet book, or someone else to bring home the right groceries. Be accountable for what you put into your body. It is like asking someone to drive you to where you have to go...when you have a car and can drive yourself Get behind the wheel, and be the person you want to be.

btw...congratulations on the 20 month old...Hope your child grows up with your candor and perception...

hmmm

Find out what is going on. You need him to open up. Maybe he is stressed? Maybe unhappy about something? Read my reply about communicating a few replies ago. Learn how to communicate and learn "how to fight". Getting things in front of both of you and dealing with them is the best form of passion. Plan some alone time. Use the one response about the candles, roses, bedroom set up mentioned before. But, as you can see by her response as well, talking about each other's needs and issues, understanding the issues, dealing with them by comprise, and then getting over it and moving on are the keys to great love and sex. You are both missing the emotional love more than the physical. Try something new and exciting. Dress up, role play, change atmospheres, get a hotel room, if one of you is interested, things will work out.

Try to stroke his intellect. Men need ego boosts. Our ego is very easily hurt. Hold his hand in public out of the blue. Give him a kiss for no reason. Compliment him. Tell him how thankful you are for what he provides you and the family. Men that feel like they are real men, worry about everything (money, whether the family is happy, whether they are doing a good job at work) You will be surprised that he will start returning compliments as well. That makes you closer and lends to a more passionate relationship and therefore, more sex. Hope this helps.

I agree with you and I have tried that..he just isn't intereseted in sex any more. It is like we are good friends that have intercourse every so often. I enjoy the friendship! But I want more..I had guy friends before we met. I have tried new things for him..when he rolls over once every7-10 mornings any decides he wants a ride i give him what he wants and now..when I want to he says he is tired and not in the mood. When I tell him how I feel he really just doen't care or he disagrees. I want romance I want lust i love him the same and feel the same way sexually about him as I always have. I get mixed signal and frankly I want MORE affection and that is how I show affectio.

Hot Mama Cool Big Daddy

My husband and I have been married for 33 years. We have not had sex in over 5 years. Before this our sex life was very good. I do not have any body image problems and he looks fine to me. I have always been in love with him and see him the same way he looked when we were married. I am a very attractive women and usually turn heads when we are out. I am 5'10" tall with blonde hair and a nice body for my age. Now his side of the story is that he is visual and is turned on by breast. He says since my (DD) breast have drooped, he is not visually attracted to me and is never turned visually and this makes sex impossiible.

I know sex is physical to men and emotional to women but I just think this is a little far fetched. If it is true, how do I keep from feeling unloved? How do I keep from seeing him as a person that just sees women physically and unable to have a loving sexual relationship/ Or is he just a nut case that I get along wonderfully with outside of the bedroom.

Now that our children have left home I would like to have a sexual relationship that is fun and free of anxiety... a form of adult fun and plan. Am I being unreasonable?

Wondering if I should leave

I am really sad about my husbands lack of concern about our non-existent sex life. we have had sex two times in the last three months. The last two encounters occured only because I asked. I have talked to him about this problem and my feelings several times. His response have been to not say anything and the last time I asked him to make love to me he said he had a back ache.I feel unloved, unwanted and he seem to not care. We have been married for four years and together for eight years. This have happened several times before in our relationship. I think he was at the time involved with someone else and believe this may be the problem now. He moved out of the house for a year during one of these times and when we got back together he promised to never leave home again. I wonder if there is someone else. Another thing he does that really give me hope and at the same time make me want to walk out is his ability to kiss me before he leaves home and when he return. I also do the same when I leave and return home but I do not want a roomate. I want a husband. I feel like he is pushing me out. Should I leave home? I don't want to do this but if I don't do something he will jump in and out of the relationship whenever he pleases. I don't know what to do.

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

20 lbs is NOT a lot of weight to gain...and not what I was reffering to....

Your honesty is refreshing...and not written from someone who is hell bent on self victimization...

Something like you are experiencing should be done together, as a team. You seem to already know this. Your attitude seems OK...your husbands seems to be a tad on the defeatist side.... You might have gained a few lbs, but 20 lbs is hardly "letting yourself go"...you have a little work in front of you (if you so desire)...I know MANY people who are extremely attractive who don't have movie star badies...

I'll just say this, and you also alluded to this in your post...You already know that you have too much ice cream. You know what you have to do. You shouldn't wait for him if *YOU* want to drop a few lbs. ...and don't wait for his approval either....

Self esteem has to come from *yourself*...(hence the term)...if you are waiting for someone else's approval to put value on what you see in the mirror, you are shoveling against the tide...Did you ever think that *he* might be the one with self esteem issues?, and if that is the case, you are waiting for approval that can't come because he is unhappy with himself...

And just for the record...there is nothing wrong with being on the heavier side either... I bet you already know what to do to get yourself to where you want to be. You already possess that knowledge...You don't need a diet book, or someone else to bring home the right groceries. Be accountable for what you put into your body. It is like asking someone to drive you to where you have to go...when you have a car and can drive yourself Get behind the wheel, and be the person you want to be.

btw...congratulations on the 20 month old...Hope your child grows up with your candor and perception...

Richard, you are amazing!! I guess I really just needed to say what I have said in my previous posts. I DO know what I need to do and I have put down the ice cream. Yay me!!!

I am not sure if my husband has self esteem issues. He seems to be the most confident person I know. Since I have put on the extra pounds I have found myself hidding behind my children or my husband when we go out. I want to get out of my comfort zone so I can learn to be more outgoing. I am turning a new leaf over and I am going to start making more conscience descions on what goes in my mouth and the amount that goes in there too. What you have said just hit home with me and made me realize that I do have the right tools to make the changes. Thank you for taking time out of your day to help me realize that I can do what I put my mind to.

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Richard, you are amazing!! I guess I really just needed to say what I have said in my previous posts. I DO know what I need to do and I have put down the ice cream. Yay me!!!

I am not sure if my husband has self esteem issues. He seems to be the most confident person I know. Since I have put on the extra pounds I have found myself hidding behind my children or my husband when we go out. I want to get out of my comfort zone so I can learn to be more outgoing. I am turning a new leaf over and I am going to start making more conscience descions on what goes in my mouth and the amount that goes in there too. What you have said just hit home with me and made me realize that I do have the right tools to make the changes. Thank you for taking time out of your day to help me realize that I can do what I put my mind to.

The first thing that I want to do is thank you for accepting my words in the spirit in which they were meant. There are many who would be defensive and attack (it has hapened on this board already to me a few times)...

And I'll also say this...YOU are the amazing one. ...introspection is a quality that few posses. I really hope that you can sustain your enthusiasm. It is difficult to do...but I have a feeling that you will.

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

The first thing that I want to do is thank you for accepting my words in the spirit in which they were meant. There are many who would be defensive and attack (it has hapened on this board already to me a few times)...

And I'll also say this...YOU are the amazing one. ...introspection is a quality that few posses. I really hope that you can sustain your enthusiasm. It is difficult to do...but I have a feeling that you will.

Taking "time out" to chat with someone like you is my pleasure...

I would never attack someone when I was the one that asked for advice! I know that you have given me some words of wisdom that will not be taken lightly. I am going to re-exam my core and find out why it is I eat the things I eat. I want to be here for my kids.. I want to be in the game with them not sitting on the side lines, so to speak. And most of all I want to be proud of me.

I know that in the future if I need some advice I will be sure to look you up on the boards!! :-)

All to common..

I am in my early 20's, have been dating a beautiful, talented girl for over a year. When we first met sparks flew. We had sex nearly everyday, if not a couple times.. Our schedules have not changed much. However, after about 3 months we got into the comfort stage, where the real person comes out. You don't have to dress nice every time we do something or put on any kind of a show to impress anyone. Guys you know what i'm talking about. Since then i have to almost beg for sex. I have done everything possible to get it going like it was. Roses leading from her apartment door to her bed, courier delivered notes to her work telling her to meet me at her favorite restaurant, etc etc. These things obviously get her going but the next day it goes back to the same. Everytime we have sex, i make sure she gets off. Is this something that is making her less horny?

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

I am in my early 20's, have been dating a beautiful, talented girl for over a year. When we first met sparks flew. We had sex nearly everyday, if not a couple times.. Our schedules have not changed much. However, after about 3 months we got into the comfort stage, where the real person comes out. You don't have to dress nice every time we do something or put on any kind of a show to impress anyone. Guys you know what i'm talking about. Since then i have to almost beg for sex. I have done everything possible to get it going like it was. Roses leading from her apartment door to her bed, courier delivered notes to her work telling her to meet me at her favorite restaurant, etc etc. These things obviously get her going but the next day it goes back to the same. Everytime we have sex, i make sure she gets off. Is this something that is making her less horny?

There is a possibilty that you two should still be dating other people at your age...exclusivity is a decision that needs the perspective that only experience can bring...

Feeling forgotten

I'm so sad. I've been married for 12 years and we are near divorce. I feel like he has put a wall between us and I can't get through. There has been no intamacy in months. No togetherness. He says I want him to be someone he's not but I only ask for honesty, respect, and affection. He told me he's all out of it. I can't figure out when we went wrong. How do I get back inside his heart? We have 3 young kids and never any alone time. Even if we were alone I'm not sure how we would react to one another. I truly want my marriage to work. Just don't know where to start.