Sunday, November 29, 2009

What do you do when a friend loses a child? Not just any child, but a 3 week old child. I just found out that my friend and his wife lost their son today.

They don't have a phone, I don't know where they live, and I have no way of getting in touch with them. My heart is breaking right now. I'm doing everything I can to find some way of figuring out where they are. I can't offer much. But, I can be a shoulder to cry on.

I've experienced miscarriage, 3 times. That's the worst pain I've ever been through. And I know it's nothing compared to what these parents are going through.

Tonight I held Lexi a little tighter, kissed her cheek a few more times, and said an extra I love you as I tucked her into bed. These parents won't have that opportunity tonight. I don't think my life would go on without Lexi. And I don't know how these parents will get up every day and go on with their lives. Right now all I know is that they need love and support.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I was hoping to get 3 miles today, but I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep good last night. And I'm not sure I could get another walk in this afternoon anyways. Lexi has gotten pretty clingy!

Jacob has to do some computer work after work so he'll be late. Too bad 'cause I want to go to bed right now. I wonder if Lexi would lay in bed with me??

We've been fighting a sock battle today. I put them on and she pulls them off. Cute? Yes, because she's so proud of herself. But her feet stay cold even with socks on, so going without isn't an option considering that Oklahoma skipped fall and went straight to winter!

Monday, November 16, 2009

I was able to walk 4 times today. I am hoping to be able to fit in 1 more in the morning and 1 more in the afternoon. By the time I got motivated this morning, Lexi decided that she wanted to be held. And then this evening she was a bear! But anyways...here's my totals for today.2.21 miles59 min 47 sec

I finished a book I started reading while I was pregnant and started another one.

My treadmill faces towards the window in the bedroom, which faces towards the street. During my 3rd walk I see a horse running down the road, followed by a truck. Who knows what was going on there?!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I'm starting a diet tomorrow. It's not going to be like a hard-core diet, because let's face it, I'm not capable of that. I'm just going to try to be more conscious of what I eat. I'm going to eat salad for lunch and then eat a salad before my dinner to maybe keep me from eating as much stuff that's not healthy. I bought some frozen yogurt to eat instead of ice cream, so we'll see how that goes. I'm also going to TRY to walk on the treadmill while Lexi is in a good mood and playing. That is going to be hard because most of the time it's just for 10 minutes before she gets bored with herself and neds me to entertain her. So, I'll have to start out at a good pace to even work up a good sweat and heart rate in that amount of time. But hopefully I can get a good amount of time in throughout the whole day. It's also going to be hard to do the walking when I have so many craft ideas running through my head and that's my time to do those also. Maybe I can alternate times (1 walking/1 crafting). Or maybe I could save the crafting for when Jacob's at home in the evenings. I could save all the walking for then, but by the end of the day I'm so exhausted (from doing nothing) that I don't want to walk. I've also been trying to add more water in. I pretty much have to "chug" it though because it has to be super cold for me to drink it. I just know that something has to change.

I passed out in the shower on Thursday. It was just me and Lexi here. Let me tell you, it was super scary to wake up on the shower floor and know that my baby was in the living room alone...wondering how long I had been out. Obviously it hadn't been too long or I probably would have drowned in there! I took my BP and it was like 142/102. But by the time we got to Urgent Care it was down to a normal number. I know it had to be because of my BP, and I know my BP is out of control because of my weight. So maybe if I can get my weight under control my BP will get under control. I also know that whenever we do decide to start trying for a little brother or sister for Lexi (not anytime soon!) the extra weight is only going to compound the PCOS issue. Weight management is currently the only treatment for PCOS. Of course PCOS makes it harder to lose the extra weight, but that just means I'm going to have to fight harder! Of course in the back of my mind I can see myself wearing smaller clothes and being skinny...but next to that thought is the thought that it's never going to happen and I'm going to be this size forever. I just don't know what to do different. I'm the type of person that if it doesn't start to work fast then I'm going to give up. Of course I know if something is working super fast then it isn't healthy...but I need pounds to start dropping relatively quick...even if it's just 1 at a time!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

It's really exhausting to never do anything right. Just when I think I'm making headway something happens that brings it all crashing back down.

It doesn't matter how many times I say I don't do something, the trust is never there.

I had been working on my new crafts for like 2 weeks, really thinking that they would sell. The first craft shows proved me wrong on that one. I didn't even make enough to pay mom back for the stuff she bought to get me started. So now I don't feel like even making anything else.

I have lots of ideas, but I feel like I can't do anything because I'm stuck sitting here holding Lexi. If I can't do something in 5-10 minutes then it won't get done.

I'm just tired of it all. I feel like I've always got something to prove and no way to prove it.

I have way more to offer than this.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I can't believe my baby girl is 6 months old! It's unreal that time has gone by so fast. It seems like yesterday I was getting up a million times a night to feed her and hold her and rock her. Now she sleeps in her room all night like a big girl! I'm not going to complain about that. But, I do miss rocking her to sleep. I miss how she used to grin in her sleep...before she ever really grinned "on purpose." I miss her little preemie and newborn clothes. I miss having to roll up 4 receiving blankets to stuff around her in the carseat because she was so tiny. But, what I really really miss is having her inside of me. Knowing that she was safe. Knowing that nothing was going to hurt her. Feeling her kick and move around. Feeling her hiccup! Going to see her on the ultrasounds and hear her heartbeat. Those things I miss because I know that I may never get to experience them again. I will always be able to see, hold, and love babies. My sisters will have babies. My cousins will have babies. But, Lexi may be my only baby. It terrifies me to think about that. I so want to experience it again. Experience making new life. But, with all I went through to get her...I don't know if I could do it all again, having her. I don't know if I could go through miscarriage after miscarriage, cycle after cycle, failure after failure and still be able to get out of bed every day and be a good mom.

Lexi-girl, I love you. With every part of my being. I live my life for you. For smiles and laughs, for frowns and cries. I simply love you! 6 months ago you stole my heart. I can't imagine how my life would be without you. You are my everything!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Have you ever felt like a complete failure? I mean, like nothing you do goes right, or nothing you want to achieve ever happens? That's how I feel right now. Over at www.conception-obsession.com we started a weight loss challenge on www.fatbet.com. I was doing pretty good at first, and was more than halfway to my goal of 10 pounds. But, as time went on, I gained those pounds back and I'm back to my starting weight...which is higher than when I was pregnant with Lexi. It sucks! The "losers" have to post a picture of themselves wearing something too tight. Well, I have plenty of things that are too tight, trust me. But, I don't want to take a picture of myself wearing them, and then posting it on a website as my avatar pic!

2nd failure: Still not being able to find a job. I've sent so many resumes and applications it's not even funny. But, I've only been called in for 1 interview...and I obviously didn't get that job. Being on unemployment is so demeaning. And knowing that this extension could be the last one I get approved for is scary. Knowing that it could end at any time and I would just be out that money. It just really sucks. I feel like I'm not pulling my weight in the household and I hate that.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Jacob is sick, and it sucks! Lexi has had a cold for a week now. It's just allergies and drainage. I've been giving her benadryl, but it diesn't really help. I really hope I don't get whatever Jacob has though. I can't be sick. I don't get to take sick days!

Thank goodness he could hold Lexi today so I could work on some craft show stuff on and off. Generally she will entertain herself for around 5 minutes and I can do a few things before I have to pick her up again.

I'm making post-it holders, binder clips, small notecards, and checkbook covers. I really hope they sell.

Still looking for a job. And it still sucks! I still feel like Jacob doesn't respect me. Even though I cook, do laundr and dishes, and take care of Lexi. Which is starting to annoy me. I get tired of doing everything...but I know if I say something it's going to be a huge fight that I don't need to have. Right now I feel like I will never do enough to "earn" his respect. If Lexi wakes up after 4am he won't get up with her because he has to get up and go to work. So that really sucks for me when she wants to get up at 6, take an hour to eat/fall back asleep and then get up at 8 or 9. Because then she doesn't take a nap all day. She'll sleep for 15 minutes or so as long as I'm holding her, but if I put her down she wakes up. So it makes for a long day for me.