Wednesday, September 26, 2007

New Fears

So can we talk about the new fear I have? I sit in class most days thinking, "This is how I'm going to die." I have serious anxiety after the VA Tech shootings that some crazy is going to come in and shoot up my classes. And it's scary. Sometimes when I'm not paying attention, I try to think of the best escape route. Unfortunately I sit near the door in one of my classes, so I've pretty much decided that I'm a goner. Then yesterday I was in class and I thought about my best chances of climbing out the window. Problem is, the ceilings are like 15 feet high and the windows are really high up too. So I'm pretty much a goner in that class as well. Maybe I should just start paying attention and quit daydreaming.

Now my next fear deserves a disclaimer. I know at least one of my readers is preggers, so I don't want to scare them. But I have known that I wasn't meant to 'birth no babies.' And now I know that there is a condition to go along with it. It's called tokophobia. I read about it on my new girly obsession, Jezebel, and I went on to read the article here. Although I've never had any physical abuse, I think this basically explains how I feel about childbirth. It really does scare the living shit out of me. I talked to Baloo about it last night and he was pretty cool about it. He had some questions for me and I think he was interested in at least looking into it. But I think it's nice that there's actually cases of this happening. Which makes hypochondriac Kiki feel so much better.

Anyway...as I think I'm your only pregnant reader, I can tell you I suffer from a mild form (ok, maybe a big form) of pregnancy fear. Back in the day, when I had a job in medicine, I saw and heard so many bad things that I never wanted to have kids. Never. I was afraid of never losing the baby weight. I was afraid of my beautiful girl bits not being the same. I was afraid of my boobs getting all wonky. And then to top it all off, I heard some asshole guy telling a story about his wife's post-pregnancy cooter. It was not a positive story. All of this has absolutely scarred me. And writing it here, in your comments, feels good to say it out loud.

I discussed all of this with PJ. All I ever wanted to do was adopt. He was dead set against it. He wanted his own babies, I wanted my own body. And women never talk about it...maybe women are supposed to be grateful to sacrifice themselves on the alter of childbirth but, I for one will NOT!

Despite fear, I will have this baby. I will make it a positive experience. And I will go to a very good plastic surgeon when I'm all done. I could care less if people think I'm less of a mom because I want to restore what God gave to me in the first place. But, dammit, I will be whole again!

My commenters Rock! And Anon is Kipper. I don't know why he won't get a new screenname.

Summer, I'm so glad that you said that you have anxiety even though you're excited about having a baby. I think it's probably better for women to have a place to vent and freak out if that's how they feel. I'm sick of this rosy faced being a mother is the most wonderful accomplishment attitude. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But please also acknowledge that there are some women out there who are terrified of the process. And that doesn't make them any less of a woman either.

And I'm also happy that you're honest enough to let us know that you plan on having surgery to put everything back in its proper place after that baby comes out of your front bottom (which I believe you've called it before). I would do the same thing too if I had an 8lb organism living in me for almost a year. So yay to you and yay to having a kick ass baby with a kick ass mother!

About me

I'm young, single, got a great ass, a serial dater, a sometimes drunk, addicted to the gym, liable to make fat girls cry, have a mild ED, think Notre Dame is the greatest college and Texas is the greatest state. Currently at a standstill since moving from Detroit Area, Michigan (tons of yuppies) to Mason, MI (noted KKK presence). Come be a part of my random, shocking, and exciting world.