You think you’re having a hard time this Christmas? Spare a thought for Santa

If everyone is to be believed Christmas this year is already becoming a disaster.

Mothers and chefs around the world are running around like headless chickens working out ways of making sure the turkey does not become dry and the stuffing remains as moist as possible. Supermarket trolleys are being filled to the extent that it would appear there will be no food available to buy for the next month. And I have enough alcohol to last a decade, but still think I need a couple more bottles of something which has the equivalent potency of ethanol.

At the other end business owners are burning the midnight oil trying to get all their work out the door before Santa’s sleigh leaves the North Pole.

But if you think that your life is hectic or you are having a tough time, spare a thought for Santa. His situation is far worse. Let me explain.

You may think that he is a lucky man having to work only one day a year, but on the day he works all hell breaks loose. The reality is big Mr C is quite incredible, amazing and, well, epic.

Now being a numbers man I thought I would put some figures to show you how hard his life really is.

Let’s assume he only visits Christian homes, although I know he does more than that because he hasn’t missed my chimney in the last 9 years and last time I checked I had no photos of Jesus in my house. But I digress.

That’s an impressive 800,0000,000 Christian Children he visits in one night. He has to travel an incredible 341,000,000 km, give or take a few hundred thousand kilometres in 32 hours (travelling east-to-west with the Sun gives him an extra, much needed, 8 hours) stopping at 266,666.666 households (assuming 3 children to a home). That’s about 3,000 km per second, which is a little bit faster than my Aston Martin. And he also has a strong bladder too, because I assume he has no time for any toilet breaks and I doubt he has time to check Facebook or Twitter either.

Now everyone knows that big Mr C is a bit round and big around the gut area. There is a reason for this. Every household, he visits will leave him a mince pie and glass of alcohol. This means his calorie intake from the mince pies is, well, a bit big. Assuming 150 calories a pie that’s about 40 billion calories in fact. No wonder he can’t work for the next 364 days.

But that’s not all. I am more concerned about his drinking and flying. His consumption of 266,666,667 units of alcohol makes me think that this might be a bit above Australia’s drinking and flying limit. Now if he can drink this much and still fly, then that is impressive, but I suspect his license to fly might be at risk should he get caught. Something also tells me he might have a bit of a hangover too. I would hate to think what his insurance premium is.

There’s more. His bank manager can’t be too impressed either because all the kids want a Lego Star Wars Millennium Falcon this year and this cost $250 each which means he will need to apply for a $200bn overdraft facility. I know we think that Santa’s little helpers make all the toys, but I don’t think that is possible because Lego might sue Mr C’s pants off him. Or worse, his sleigh.

The Millenium Falcon also weighs about 500g which means Santa’s sleigh has to be strong enough to handle 400,000 tons of presents which then requires about 4 million reindeer to pull it. And remember this is all happening at 3,000 km a second. Now that is what I call stressful.

So calm down. Take it easy. It will all work out for you in the end as it does for Santa!

If this article has brought a small smile to your face then I know I am on the right track. This is my last article of the year and I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a fantastic New Year. If things don’t quite work out on the day, don’t worry have a laugh and enjoy it with the ones you love around you.