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Tuesday, May 08, 2012

without saying a word

There are some things in life you can't predict.

Like falling in love.
Or falling, for the wrong person, when you knew from the start you shouldn't have.
Read the warning signs already, but still, perhaps due to the wild streak, the stubborness in not listening to others, just listening to your heart. Following your lack of common sense just for some intense experiences and bittersweet memories. Knowing that all your hopes and dreams are projected on him, but he will never rise up to the occasion. And in some ways, it isn't his fault. He warned you from the beginning that his name spelt trouble. That he didn't want any of this.

You should have seen the signs, you told yourself time and again you wanted something else. But as the days got longer, the feelings became stronger.

You usually aren't a sentimental person. You don't like the mushy bullshit. You knew that you would be, could be, happier with someone else. And you didn't want to let these fading feelings mar what could possibly be on the horizon.

If you wanted to ask me what I thought, what I felt, and if it even mattered to you, here are my thoughts. Yes, I knew you would feel strongly about me just cutting you off from my life, stopping the chats, the sharing of what is commonly known as daily woes. I knew you would be hurt from the realization that I had blocked you on the social network we used as a sharing platform. But you didn't know that it hurt me more.

I knew that you would almost immediately realize this and send me angry texts, which you did.

I also knew that you would find a way to contact me. Not call, you never did, but through some other way and I was morbidly curious, as to how you would do so. You did, and you apologized in the super puppy dog way that usually would melt my heart. I remembered that usually guys do not apologize or say sorry. It's not because of their pride. It's because, deep down inside, they are afraid, that the girl does not forgive them.

But you did not know, how my heart sank, again, and again, each time I saw evidence of the fact that you were secretly seeing someone. I say secretly because you did not display any evidence. Maybe both of us were deluding each other to that effect, just to continue on this friendship. Just to have a listening ear. Someone to share the day's tales and to laugh together. and someone who just knows you inside out.

I remember you were the first person I shared with when I lost a job I liked very much and you accompanied me the whole day online, sharing goofy jokes and being overtly flirtatious just the way I like it. I remember writing to you each time I felt down. There were so many days. So many letters, letters from my heart.

"Just take those thousands of messages as a sweet memory." an uncle friend advised. Being an older warrior in love, he has withstood a divorce and insufferable relationships and he too, believed, believes still, in finding his soulmate.

On some days when the sun is shining and I am happy, in a summer dress, drinking mocha, reading a book, I sometimes think that we could see each other again one day soon. We could bump into each other on a corner of a busy sidewalk and smile and say, oh hi, how are you and how have you been?

On the days when the weather is horrid I think that this could never happen. I would have nothing to say to you because the mixed feelings are too devastating to bring up to the surface. The things I have gone through in the past month has left some scars and it would be unwise to forget them, and hurt again. And if I ever meet you, I would rue the day. It would have to be many years later, when we learn to forgive a little, and forget.

And perhaps, in the future, they will invent a magic pill, something that creates blood flow to the happiness cortex in the brain, so that if we meet someone who has caused us so much pain we will only remember the good times.

Without saying a word, I have disappeared from your life. I am so sorry. It hurt. I wish there was someone I could tell this to, but no one would really understand.

I'm bad at saying goodbyes and we have had one too many of them.

But, I'm learning to be brave. Your choices made me braver than the little fearful girl I really am. And you made that choice for me the day you decided not to stay. It was only me who stayed on here in this little corner of the world that was ours. Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry for not being able to return my words, to return the intensity of my feelings. Deep down, I always knew you couldn't. You filled pages in my notebooks, but I needed someone who was on the same page, at the same sentence, and it wasn't you. Live your life the way I would have wanted you to: going on adventures, being happy, dancing like a fool.

And perhaps one day, after a very long time, things will be alright between us, again.