…mind talks…

Month: June 2014

Me with my fav lecturer Ms Uma Devi who is no longer with us. She has proved herself as a role model to her students, especially ones like me. I am so thankful for her.

Having been much of a thinker for most part of my life – I have been thinking ever since I existed, and I am still thinking just so you know, and not only as a thinker, but also as an experimenter – I have arrived at the conclusion. This one conclusion shall be the slogan for the reconstruction of the self. It shall be the ideology upon which my life is based.

My entire days in the past was based on what had occurred in the past. I was brilliant enough to adopt a theory about the formation of one’s unique personality, but stupid enough to attach myself to the wrong one. Yeah, I am beautiful;that is because I look 99.9% like my dad, what with the deep-set almond eyes and full lips. Yeah, I am smart; because Germans are the most intelligent creatures standing (yet high-flying!) and my great-grandmother happens to be German.

It got the better of me though. Strains in the parental relationships made me a scapegoat for whatever I was doing. I got hurt, and then my friends and colleagues and bosses got hurt also, and then finally I got hurt again. Gah! I practically began bashing my head up to bring back my own senses. However, the whole cycle of negativity seemed to be revolving itself on me, because I was trying to predict the outcomes of my actions! Do you spot the humongous head-egg (sic) that is growing out of the blue?

All because of the psychoanalytic theory. Come on, psychoanalysis is so old-school. It is the theory introduced by Sigmund Freud – and boy, aren’t his words and thoughts bewilderingly interesting! It is the technique used for certain people during their visits to the psychologist – but I am not a patient!

Yet I am. Because of that, I have decided to to close the horrid book on my own psychoanlaysis, skip through several chapters, and land, safely I hope, on the one about positive psychology, the school brought about by Dr Martin Seligman.

I had a meal of milk-topped pastry, chocolate mousse, the ever-famous Chinese delicacy tau foo fa, a glass of fruit punch, and a dessert of cherry jelly. Sounds a tad too much? I do hope it is enough. Read A Story About Myself

My BMI had only recently plummeted down a dangerous low for a long time due to depression. It was the worst depression I had ever gone through, and I had to practically fight for my life. In the course my appetite was negatively affected, having to constantly figure out ways out of the Black Hole I had fallen through but always seeming to fail climbing back out. In the battle against the whole cycle of negativity, only one activity I performed on myself actually helped. No, it is not praying to Jesus Christ, or to the Father, or to the Holy Spirit. Nor was it praying to one of the deities that belong to ancient civilizations. Trust me, I could not do anything that involved praying at that time; there were too many distractions in the outer and inner worlds. So eventually what really got me out, or at least helped to get me out, is another story to tell for another day altogether.

The point is that now I am out of the Black Hole, I want to grow some fat, please! Since then I have gained an extra 5 or 6 kilograms more, which is nothing fantastic yet. But I am keeping trying whatever I can.

Das leben ist gut. So live your life, people!!

PS: There are plenty of black holes in life by the way; hopefully you just have a single encounter. But God says no promises though.

It is downright crazy. I know right? There is the feeling of high as you keep doing what you want. You keep riding like there is no tomorrow – for a long time, all responsibilities seem to have vanished in the air. But have they? You do not stop giving what you want. You do not stop giving yourself the immense pleasure you cannot get from doing other things. Until, finally, you climax.

I have been actively writing for a month now, with eight posts published within the period. Not only that, I have been generating articles of various sorts for my research and a short film trailer. Phew.

The real thing will be in a few months’ time, when I will be doing five subjects (again!), all at the senior level, and juggling with my other jobs. But I can make it! I know I can.

Yeah, in my busy schedule I have been treating my tests and exams like one-night stands. So what – I love what I am doing. However, my books are calling me. Exams are sort of around the corner.

Yet, in my life path I have realized that I cannot stop what I love doing. It is really the next step in my self-actualization process. There are people and matters that have to be sacrificed every now and then, such as the sleep everyone needs. Which is basically what is “sacrificed” when you really are having a one-night stand.

The drama of the day has had to begin; masks have to be donned less I am recognized. For I am a person who would rather express myself through ways I feel is appropriate for my own etiquette. I am still not yet at the epitome of my career, but I am driving, probably not fast enough, but hard enough I hope.

All these hush and rush has resulted in a meshy brain, because out of the meshiness comes innovation. Out of the meshiness comes creativity as the mind strives for perfection. It has been several sleepless nights too as I try to get everything done on time, in place, and accurately. It is just me.

Well, I am saying this because I have been treating my tests as if they were one-night stands. I am just cram in the morning and then I sit for the test later in the day. Sometimes I slept at 1AM and woke up at 4AM to revise. Then I sit for the test at noon; and I finish off with a good end.

I am still readjusting myself to this new lifestyle, trying to put everything in place, and trying hard to make ends meet. I see myself as someone who steps into the filming industry for a while before continuing with my masters in psychodrama. That will give my writing a good ending.

It’s a crazy life so far. There is nothing better than getting what you want.

Of course, that has to be put on hold for a while. With my finals coming in a few weeks’ time, I have to not to say switch, but start revising already. I am not going to miss out on these ones!

I shall still be writing though. And dancing. Eating. It is all a part of the integration of life.

I made a meal out of an entire zebra-striped swimsuit set today. Including a pair of black goggles.

I cannot wait to dive in a pool of lush, velvety water. I do not care whether I end up in the Pacific Ocean, or the Red Sea, or the Black Sea – all I want is to just dive in! I need to rebuild my abs.

I walked straight into KLCC till I was lost amongst the crowd. As soon as I noticed Isetan I spotted Parkson beside it. So I walked ahead until I ended up lost in the crowds again. I had walked all the way towards the other exit. Duh. After asking for directions, I managed to go to where I wanted.

Whilst trying on some swimsuits, the songs blasted out of the speakers! They were cool songs; one of them even went:

“I came to dance, dance, dance, dance

I hit the floor ’cause it’s my plans, plans, plans, plans….”

by Taio Cruz.

When Martin Seligman was campaigning about his 21st century theory about positive psychology, he asserted that exercise should be a part of everyone’s Happiness Regime. Exercise, he claimed, improves the cardiac system, increasing oxygen levels especially in neural cells. Happy cells that have had their fill function more effectively than oxygen-deprived cells.

That is the reason why I swim. That is the reason why I dance. And, hey, I am thinking of a crazy project. It will not drive you bonkers; rather it will drive you with the positive force you require to keep you up and bustling throughout the day.

Yeah, it was the fitting room. I did not let that bother me. I just danced for half an hour. Danced semi-naked. Because, somehow, everything is going to be all right.

PS: It was such a hectic day today. Right after the class presentation, I rushed off to see a lecturer about another assignment before running off to get to work even before the class was over. Now it is way past midnight, and I shall be typing my script out for the short film.

“Like crazy. She has her Foundation classes everyday from 8AM to 5 or 6PM, and then comes back to have her dinner, and then after that she would go back to her room to study until about 3AM. Crazy!!

“Huh? Like that no life… only study, study, study….”

I listened as two college-going young people chatted endlessly about their classmate. It was an eye-opener to the reality of life – the life only accustomed to us blungeoning through the early years of adulthood. Even the aunties and uncles at the Kopitiam (coffeeshop) could not fathom our lifestyles.

That is just the way it is. It is the matter of facts. We are brought up in a capitalistic era where everyone is trying to buy more time for themselves. Life’s exorbitant expenses have transformed us into Monsters of the Self. As students, we are enslaved to the world of economics, whether directly or indirectly. We say we study for a better future, but where is the future for ourselves when we are only confined to our textbooks and notes?

Yet we gradually learn to snake a path out of the labyrinth and revitalize ourselves.

Due to my busy schedule these few weeks, I have had to shift my focus, perhaps on a temporary basis, to other more relevant issues, i. e. my tests, presentations, script, and whatever else. The dancing I love – no, I did not put it aside. I practised in my room. Combining the steps I learned earlier with a new set, I danced in my room and played resounding music through my mind. As usual, during the wee hours of the morning.

It is always great to have my bare skin exposed to the air. It gives my skin space to breathe…. My skin cannot be locked up in any kinds of clothing for too long a time.

Anyway, I will always come back to my second dance floor. Say what you like, but my second dance floor is this blank piece of paper I am writing on. Why so? Because, like dancing, writing liberates the soul. It sets inquinsitive minds free to explore around, allowing the chance to step up and yet look down and create an assessment of life’s little achievements. It permits thoughtful reflection on what has been done and acted out in the dramas of the daylight to keep the self occupied.

Is that all? The other reason is because it is on which my handwriting flourishes. I have several handwritings, and I switch from one to another as I deem fit, though I stick to one only throughout my entire passage.

Does this imply that I have many personalities? Ahem. We shall conclude in the next few posts.

It is the time of your life. Study time. Play time. Eating time. Cooking time. Housechores time. Going out with friends time. Alone time. Then, out of the blue…. KERPLUNK.

Your head slumps forward. Your eyelids close. Your nostrils start expanding and contracting in a slow, consistent manner. Before you even realize, you have in an instant drifted off to Heavens Knows Where.

Tell me about it – this is not the first time it has occurred. Each time it comes, it steals silently through the corners of your eyes. It makes an uninvited return through the neurons of your brain, switching off the synapses as it runs up and down the axons. Very well.

In less than ten minutes or so, your conciousness finds its way up to the outer layers of your cells.

And you get back to work.

You see, we young people have a lot to accomplish. Which is why power naps are extremely useful.