You Have Terminal Cancer?​But you don't Look Sick?​​

Life you are like a boyfriend to me, I fucking love you, I would literally push a baby out of my 5 cent piece sized LOVE hole for you and then the next minute I hate you and I wouldn't even turn your burning fish fingers over in the frying pan for you. There are times I'd happily take pictures with you and post them on Facebook, being all braggy about how good you are to me and the next day I'm gonna be taking those loving life pictures down, because you're so horrible to me. This is seriously what life with terminal cancer is like, particularly towards the latter end of the disease, the good days become fewer and the bad days become more common.

The unpredictability of this disease can be somewhat confusing to people who've never been affected by this disease or other terminal illness, one of the most difficult things people find hard to grasp, is that I can be out and about, with it all hanging out, on Saturday and be bed ridden, in crippling pain, regurgitating everything that passes my lips and nauseated beyond belief on Monday for four consecutive days and then be up and about with it all hanging out again and repeat. This is just how this disease works, especially with my tumours being throughout my abdomen and pelvis. Your bowels are constantly moving, meaning your tumours are constantly moving, this also means poo is a big issue, especially if you get backed up, (I've had major issues with pooing all my life, even before my disease) throw in scar tissue, throw in pain and sickness meds which constipate you and this is why my pain goes from a 4 to a 10 in moments. Right now for example, I've got pain in my lower right back from my liver tumours which only arose two hours ago, prior to that I hadn't had this type of pain in months. This might help people who don't quite understand, maybe understand a little bit more as to why I go into hiding for days at a time and my hideouts are becoming increasingly more common and longer.

Today I had a great day, I'd pooed over the last few days (YAY!!!! Roll out the toilet paper, flush that loo, let's celebrate!) and I was drinking water without it regurgitating , then this evening after dinner, the incredible nausea came over me, sweaty, hot, but unable to vomit, it's just a horrible feeling that comes over you without the actual vomiting to make you feel better. I've become a cry baby of late, I just get to a point of sickness that the tears start rolling, my Dad's asking can he help, no, he can't, how can you help nausea, watching on helplessly as your daughter breaks down and that was it; needle time! I have a nausea injection called cyclazine that literally burns your flesh, causes a build up of blood under the skin and large lumps all over my ass. It's got to the point that we're running out of space to inject, you can't do it too close to the crack, as you can hit the sciatic nerve, which I can't imagine being fun. The injection is so painful, when it hits certain spots I cannot contain screaming in pain, both Mum and Dad did an injection separately and as they injected, the butt was so hard the syringe burst off, the medicine spurted all over each of them and the needle remained hanging in my ass. All three of us dread that evening injection, I think both of them literally hide until I've found the other to give me the injection, I was informed today that my ass is just one big abscess waiting to happen, it's no wonder the boys are knocking my door down....sarcasm, so we're looking at other options for the cyclazine to be administered.

So things have not been the best the past few weeks, but I have to believe in the fact that I will have an "up" soon, because we've had too many consecutive downs of late. I'm not being alarmist and I'm not writing this for attention or sympathy, I'm writing my truth and my thoughts down, for you to read, not to judge me or feel sorry for me, that ain't my bag. My honest truth at the moment is that this will be my last Christmas, as hard as that is for you to read, as hard as that is for my family to read, just imagine how hard it is for me to write. Someone that has never believed "you're not going to make it to blah blah blah", even when they said I wouldn't make it to Christmas in 2014, as upset as I was, deep down I just believed that I would make it and it wouldn't be my last. The person that calls life her boyfriend, who isn't ready to break up yet, sadly, it seems that life, my boyfriend, is going to get in there first and dump me, I just hope he isn't a cheap bastard and at least holds out to this Christmas and my birthday, I hate when people dump people right before Christmas or birthdays just to avoid buying a present, yes, people seriously do that!

Where are we right now? Fuck knows, I'm more confused than a hermaphrodite bi-sexual with gender dysphoria, unfortunately when you're diagnosed with terminal cancer you're not given an instruction manual, you might get a crappy 2 page print out from some Cancer clinic, but each disease is different, everybody's demise is different, I just fucking hate that I know mine isn't too far away, nobody deserves this, nobody, not me, not anyone.

At a time of year that I'm usually bouncing off the walls, driving everybody crazy with Christmas music and movies, I'm starting and ending most days in tears, this isn't me, it's never been me. Throughout this whole shit fight I've never been a sooky lala, but lately I've become one.

There are so many fears that come with this disease and those fears change each day, every day a new fear arises, like today I thought to myself about how frigging difficult a person I am to live with, even before cancer, I'm a total, raging, lunatic with OLD (Obsessive Lisa Disorder, similar to OCD, but waaaay more compulsive). With this illness comes a highly compromised immune system, meaning if I see you wipe your nose, I'm immediately asking for blood tests proving that you don't have a cold, if you have the runs, you're out and so on. I've had it a couple of times before, a simple cold for you, can become an ICU visit for me, with my blood pressure not going above 70 and a fever of 41 degrees and a doctor enters the room and tells you, you're probably not going to be around much longer, all from a common bloody cold.

Whilst yes, getting a cold and dying is a fear, it's not the one I'm talking about, my fear is that I am so much hard work, this disease is so much hard work, that when I'm gone and the funeral dust has settled, that my loved ones will sit back and think 'as sad as all this shit is, it's nice to finally be able to sit and take a breath and relax, without listening out in the background for Lisa to yell out for something'. I'm scared they'll feel relief, all this crap I write, you all must think I want people to build shrines to me, get me cryogenically frozen, sit me in place of the TV and basically wear black everyday mourning me until their time comes, but I don't want that, I would never want that, I simply want to be remembered for my good side, for the love I had for friends, family and life, not for my shitty, bitchy side, which has been much more prevalent of late.

If I could have one Christmas wish, it would of course be the obvious, for myself and for everyone suffering and that no one ever has to suffer again, eradicate this bastard. Whilst many of you are wishing that your credit card bill had a couple less zero's on it or that you could win the lotto, here I am literally wishing for another Christmas after this one, let's take a minute to take a breath and spare a thought for those that are doing it worse than you this Christmas, because no matter how bad life is, there's always someone out there worse off than you and me.

Sooky lala signing off for now, I hope your week has been more kind to you. Stay Fabulous Rockstars ❤️🎄

A photo of my first outing in days, yep to the supermarket and home again, with my little shadow of course ❤️🤘🏼🎄

'sooky lala'.... is a great word :* thank you.
:) now I need one for 'a silent scream' :*

Reply

Vicki Harley

27/12/2016 07:02:16 pm

You are a very courageous, beautiful, strong woman Lisa....Not sooky lala .
I wish you love light and pain free times ahead.
Vicki xxx

Reply

Ylva

28/12/2016 05:10:35 am

I think your attitude to what you're going through is totally inspiring.<3<3 I wish you a pain free day tomorrow <3 I'm sure loads of people have offered you advice but I'm just going to throw it out there anyway and you can do with it what you like.:-) have you heard of essiac tea, CBD oil, gerson therapy, cancer clinics in Mexico and 'the truth about cancer' documentaries? Also, you might be interested in looking at the Facebook page for 'Ryan's adventure with cancer'.

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Donna R. Mills

28/12/2016 01:43:20 pm

Hi, from North Carolina, U.S.A.
I just found you & your life story. Just wanted to chat a minute & let you know I'm in your corner, praying.

I'm almost 56, got sidelined in 2013 by a car accident & had to resign as a middle school science & social studies teacher to disability. I understand pain & difficulty sleeping. Wanting to be productive & dependable. Still learning my way but I have more peace & far less guilt than I felt the first couple of years.

My little brother just turned 42. Second birthday celebrated since a brain mass diagnosis in May 2015. We (mom & the three of us big sisters) all flew to Chicago
to eat lunch w him & his wife b4 hospital check in. We ate take out authentic Chicago style pizza that night in his hospital room. Next morning, he had Awake Brain Surgery & they talked to him, had him read & move hands, etc. while they operated so they would just cut tumor not brain. They took out a softball section of tumor from his left frontal lobe. Lab determined it to be Stage 3 & 4 Astrocytoma brain cancer. Radiation for a couple months or do as well as pill chemo to cross the blood brain barrier for 8 mo. We begged him to get 2nd & 3rd opinions on chemo cause that was killing him and we all wanted him to stop. Both new opinions said he should have stopped chemo @6 mo. His next MRI is on Jan 17, 2017 - same day my husband has to have reconstructive knee surgery on both knees same day.

I remember the first time my brother, David, & I spoke about "the mass." I'm the oldest sister so, of course, have always felt responsible to look out for & protect my siblings. He said, "I have a mass in my brain, Donna. I don't want to die but I don't want to be a vegetable either. " Gut wrenching words. You know, we all know mentally- cancer, car wrecks, diseases, injuries & death are a possibility we could all face that could derail our life plans but...when it "hits the fan" and smacks US or someone we love down...it's still a SHOCK!

My brother is a husband with three kids. (Now H.S., middle & elementary school.) He is an executive pastor @his church. He adores his wife, is a hands-on dad, and loves handling the business side @ his church as well as preaching & helping people. Astrocytoma is very aggressive and not on friendly terms with longevity. David turning 41 & 42 are real miracle milestones. Just like you & your family have checked off the calendar and been grateful for another day.

I'm so sorry for all the pain, fear, meds, pokes like a pin cushion, treatments that work & treatments that just use you as a clinical trial. Cancer, diseases, car wrecks that all scare you and change the trajectory of your life ALL SUCK!!!

I have learned that in the midst of these living nightmares that God is always sending good our way to comfort & help us. Not giving more than we can bear w/o providing help, a kindness, something to make us laugh. I've learned that living the SUCK & the GOOD w a grateful heart & attitude helps my brother & has helped me. People cross my physical path or social media path that bless me or I can bless them. In small ways & in big ways to someone...despite all the junk, pain, loss...YOU ARE making a DIFFERENCE with your blog entries. When you smile at your niece or when you are honest that you need help, you've been teaching her how to be a REAL PERSON who will grow up w compassion for people going through cancer &; other tough stuff. Your family, of course, gets weary but they wouldn't trade one second of having the chance to be near you. Maya Angelou was taught by her mama about life & death with this simple phrase, ANY DAY- ABOVE GROUND -IS A GOOD DAY! When it's too much, ask God for some RELIEF. On the good days...LIVE...ENJOY...KEEP SHARING your story bc there is only ONE YOU in the world and those of us who have had a glimpse of you...like you & love your spunk! I think you're cool beans! ;) Hugs, baby girl. Blessings from Donna in N.C.♡ Jeremiah 29:11 & (Hebrews 11:1 are Bible verses that help me.)

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Anne Johansson

30/12/2016 08:22:46 am

You're the rock star. You're UNSTOPPABLE. Please read this amazing blog post. You and Jon Morrow are kindred spirits in a league of their own:

Hello Lisa
I can't remember how I found your blog but I've been reading it for a few weeks now. I have had a lot of cancer in my family. I've lost a lot of precious people. There are no words so I'm sending you a warm hug all the way from the UK.
Your photo of you and Ava is beautiful 💓 xxx

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Lynn Christofi

1/1/2017 05:39:58 am

Hi Lisa,

My name is Lynn and i wanted to say hello to you and thank you for your blog and your shining zest for life.

I hope and pray that you can squeeze every ounce of joy and happiness you can out of each day. Your blog is so honest and real it is an inspiration but also a wonderful record of you and your personality.

If there is something i believe it is some people have a long life and others a short life, but EVERY life makes an impression in this world and affects all those who share love around them. Your family and friends and people who your blog has reached have been blessed by your presence and humour and honesty. You will not be forgotten. Your light will shine on and so many lives have been so enriched by you.

Also my daughter was 3 when we lost my mum, and now.she is 10 and has very fond and clear memories of playing with her nan. Ava will have these too.

Happy New Year to you!
Warmest best wishes to you
Lynn

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Lia

2/1/2017 07:34:41 am

ive written and deleted my comment to you various times because nothing I say seems right. So, I'll just say thank you. Thank you for sharing your story and making me realize that life shouldn't be taken for granted. You're so strong and I admire you so much for it! Xoxo

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Katie

5/1/2017 01:45:24 pm

Dearest Lisa-I am praying for another miracle for you. You need to stick around, healthy enough for any new treatment/trial that comes along. I have been following you for a while. I am sending my love and prayers from WI USA. Xxoo

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caroline

5/5/2017 12:09:57 pm

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which I want to share with everyone. My name is Caroline Webb from United
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explained everything to him. He said that I shouldn't worry, that my lover
will come back to me on his knees begging for forgiveness before 24
hours.My greatest joy now is that he actually came back to me and fell on
his knees begging for forgiveness, and today we are happy and he also cured
my Sister's breast cancer. Do you have any problem? worry no more because
Dr lucky can provide lasting spell solution to any problems:email him Dr luckysolutiontemple@gmail.com or call him +23480139792383 or add him on whats- app +23480139792383

My husband was diagnosed with a cancer and MS has just been cured with the cannabis oil gotten from Rick Simpsons oil ( before i learnt of Rick Simpsons oil / RSO ) is great medication. To hell with the government and their insane policy, we have a medication that is hundred percent assured to cure cancer and you don’t need to spend so much money anymore on chemotherapy and radiotherapy or surgeries that wouldn’t work.
i put up this piece of testimony for the sake of those once who need this oil too please don’t die in silence their is a cure for your cancer today email: ricksimpsoncannabisoil202@gmail.com and get the oil.

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Author

My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.

What do I want you to gain from reading my blog? Well I'm not going to say enlightenment and I 'm not going to get you to radically change your diet and start chanting at a full moon, to be quite honest this blog is more about me writing it, than you reading it and if someone happens to google cancer and inadvertently clicks on my link, well that's just a pleasant bonus.

I plan on talking and posting about the good, the bad and the ugly side of all things cancer, fashion, food, family, what you blogosphere type would probably call a "lifestyle" blog.