Monday, December 31, 2012

Best of 2012 - Funny/People

I can’t stand when people pat themselves on the back for how blunt, straight-shooting, common-sensical, no-nonsense and honest they are. Those aren’t bad qualities in and of themselves, but not if they’re substitutes for empathy and tact. And in those cases, they usually are.

No one, parent or otherwise, should cheer a video like this. What this guy did isn’t good parenting, an act of sweet revenge or an effective cautionary tale. If anything, it will make things worse. Much worse. It shows a dangerously unstable man who thinks nothing of using anger, petulance and bullets to solve problems. And that reflects poorly not just on him, but on everyone who holds him up as a person worthy of raising youth. Far from being Father of the Year, he strikes me as a possible target of investigation.

We’re living in incredibly selfish times. By that, I don’t mean my generation is being selfish by insisting their education and work lead to something. I mean that we as a nation aren’t doing everything we can to make education and hard work pay off. And we’re doing it on purpose.

It’s easier to say who’s not a hero: the person who switches on your power after a storm. Entertainers or athletes by sole virtue of being good at what they do. Babies. Someone clinging to life after an accident. Political commentators. And that’s fine. Not everyone you look up to has to be a hero. Again, inspiration, role model, hardworking person. All worth respect, all different.

How people view struggle is often an inverse function of how much they actually struggle. Anyone who lionizes having to live on Ramen noodles and eking out bills is someone lucky enough to not have to do that. People who worry about the ethics of their food are people with enough money to be that discerning. Suburbanites and hipsters drop big money to wear vintage and/or pre-worn clothing, to replicate a look popularized by people too broke to wear anything new.

Writing is like sex or pooping — a powerful, persistent urge that isn’t likely to define you unless you’re legendary at it. And just like with groin-based adventures, inspiration often strikes in the middle of the night and you have to be ready to take matters into your own hands.

Desperation is a bitch. It aggravates all of the worst aspects of human nature: greed, arrogance, competition and all of their inbred cousins. It makes people toss aside any principles they may have just so they can get by for a little longer. It's as if the majority of us are drug addicts jonesing hard for something we can't afford, and didn't begin taking voluntarily to begin with.

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy not that far away, Jesus and Satan roomed together at Niagara Falls. It wasn’t the most harmonious arrangement, because Jesus was a neat freak and Satan was a bit messy around the edges. You could say they were something of an odd couple.

Rick Santorum supporter and billionaire investor Foster Freiss recently “joked” to a mortified Andrea Mitchell that, in his day, women practiced birth control by sticking an aspirin between their knees. Here are some other proposals Republicans are touting as safe, cheap and moral alternatives to the Pill:

“Matt, write a piece about how the liberal media is out to destroy American values through such authoritative mouthpieces as Katie Couric.”

“But isn’t she off the CBS Evening News now?”

“Doesn’t matter. She’s a liberal! No telling how many teens she’s corrupted through her broadcast by having pictures of people on her office walls.”

“How many teens these days even watch network news, let alone rely on Katie as their lone and unquestioned source for information?”

“Matt ... stop thinking. You’re violating corporate policy.”

“Sorry.”

“The point is that self-interested, hyper-partisan jackals run the mainstream media, and we have to get the good word out to teenagers so that they know not to trust its devious ways. And what better way to do that than through Conservative Teen magazine?”

Ol’ Clem holds nothing but the utmost respect for our nation’s military. I admit I didn’t serve myself, but my father, his father and his father before him all tried. I come from a long line of 4-Fs. But I try to serve my country in other ways, such as cheering whenever we go to war. And paying extra-careful attention whenever a National Guard ad starring Kid Rock airs. Also, I recently joined the Facebook, where I liked a “Remember” graphic all of my friends were sharing, so there’s that.

In the early morning hours of Aug. 29, 2005, Hurricane Katrina churned toward the coast of Louisiana. Our presses had stopped, it was dark, a few people were doing all the work and what little information we could compile was sent out in brief, bloggy bursts.

For our efforts, we won two Pulitzer Prizes. And that’s when we realized the value of cheap, online, on-the-fly journalism. And we figured, why not just do it that way all the time?

Beginning this fall, we will become a news operation focused on digital journalism. Again. But this time, the Katrina that will shut down our daily press is us.

“It’s as if there are two Americas: one full of people who work hard, and one where everyone’s on welfare,” he said. “I’m tired of my tax money going toward people who’d rather sit at home and watch Maury tell men they ain’t the baby daddy. That hits me in a very sensitive place — my pocketbook.”

Are you someone who likes to have fun in life and also feed your family? Do you desire out-of-this-world medical, vision and dental benefits? Well, have we got a opening for you!

At Dynamics Amalgamated, we operate by our corporate credo of, “Live a Lucrative Life.” Do you think you’re up to the challenge? And the fun? Dynamics Amalgamated is seeking self-motivated individuals for our representative interaction center. The ideal candidate will turn our “Customer Concierge” telephone system into profitable solutions for our enterprise.

I thought about movin’ to Canada too after this election. Because I’m a real American and I don’t recognize this nation no more. That’s why I want my state become its own, sovereign nation. Because I love America.