Crime is out of control these days, what with the kids stealing each other’s shoes and those damn squirrels making off with all of the seed in my bird feeders. But one young woman in Sandy, Oregon learned the hard way that keeping valuables in your car’s trunk isn’t even safe anymore. Especially if those valuables are $500 worth of sex toys.

Fox 12’s Ben Senger delivered the people of Portland and its surrounding ‘burbs the frightening ordeal of Chelsea Coutts, who had purchased a gaggle of gal toys for a bachelorette party, only to find that the expensive lot had been stolen by some sort of Buttplug Bandit. Or perhaps a Dastardly Dildo, um, Thief. Sorry, I’m terrible at alliteration. In all, the culprit ripped off five people. But it was Coutts who apparently deserved the most screen time.

“It was just horrible,” said the very attractive woman of having to describe the stolen items to the police once she was asked if she’d like to appear on the local news and in a YouTube clip that will eventually be viewed by millions of people. Fortunately, after her story was told on Facebook, people rallied and sent her a whole new pack of plastic penises to make sure that her party goes on as planned.

In conclusion, I’ve never written about a more fake-sounding news story that didn’t occur on April 1.

This is appallingly likely. My wife went to a bachelorette for a nephew’s fiance where the theme was awesome/disgusting sex toys. The mother of the bride sat through the whole thing, which is particularly impressive given that there’s no alkyhol at a Mormon bachelorette party.