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} O ticketless supplicant,} You have several options. The most obvious one is to call} Ticketmaster or a similar agency and ask for a front-row ticket. After} they have relieved you of you life savings, you will be the proud owner} of a fronrow ticket.} The next, almost-as-obvious option is to arrive at the concert} several hours early and visit one of the people colloquially known as} "scalpers". After they have relieved you of your life savings and the} flesh atop your skull, you will be the proud owner of a front-row} ticket.} The last, least-obvious option is to purchase a nosebleed seat,} and arrive at the concert in a uniform similar to an usher. Go to the} front row and find someone sitting in a seat. Inform said person that} they have a private phone call at the main gate, and you were sent to} find them by their seat location (as you don't know their name). While} escorting the unsuspecting person towards the main gate, relieve them} of their consciousness and their ticket stub, and you will be the proud} owner of a front-row ticket.}} You owe the Oracle a ticket to Elvis' next concert, and bootlegs} from the one after that.

} First, you will feel flushed, breaking out in a light sweat. Your} palms will become moist and itchy. Your breathing will become} shallow and rapid, not unlike that of a rabbit caught in a snare,} which, incidentally, is not an unworthy comparison. You will} experience heart palpitation and a loss of equilibrium. Your} throat will constrict, but only enough to make your voice noticeably} high and squeaky. Funny colors will dance before your eyes, and} a tickling sensation will begin in your stomach, spread to your} limbs, followed by a rushing feeling of warmth and well-being.} You will begin feel an upwelling of lightness in your chest which} will manifest itself in an outbursting of song. You will smile} uncontrollably, will find yourself suddenly endowed with grace} and lightness of foot. You will dance with your arms spread} outward. The colors of the grass and sky will seem more intense.} You will notice how good everything smells. The smallest sound} will seem as music. You will look at her and you see the face of} heaven in her eyes, and your soul will take flight like a winged thing.} Then you will wake up. You will be late for work, your car will have} a dead battery, and you will go through the day with dog dung on} your shoe. You will come home to an empty apartment, eat a TV} dinner, realize you are alone in the world and weep.}} Well, you asked.}} You owe the Oracle a spot on "Studs."

> Dear T. UseNet Oracle:>> You have been SUMMONED to appear in a Court of Law, on August 19,> 1992. This is a legal summons, valid in all cities, states, counties,> countries, hemispheres, worlds and galaxies.>> The court may decide against you if you do not appear.>> Case Number IEEE.802.5> Defendent: Lisa M. Oracle>> Background:>> On or about 34 AD, the defendent alledges that the plaintiff,> know known as T. UseNet Oracle, did, with full intent and knowledge,> attempt to sexually harass and intimidate Lisa M. Chaste, whom> the plaintiff later married.>> The defendent argues that, since the marriage was by virtue of> threat and intimidation, it is not contractually binding. Therefore,> Ms. Lisa M. Oracle hereby seeks disolution of the union, and assests> amounting to 50% ("One Half") of the adjusted net income of T.> Usenet Oracle between the periods of 34 AD and July 2nd, 1992.>> Please respond directly to this letter. A sworn statement, notorized> by your legal counsel, will protect your rights.>> Also, we must warn you that our firm has obtained a temporary> restraining order, barring you from <ZOT>ing any individual,> either singularly or as a group, until this matter is resolved.>> Goniff, Swindle, and Cheat> Attorneys at Law

} Messrs. Goniff, Swindle, and Cheat,}} Re: your communication numbered IEEE.802.5. We receive your missive} with an air of bittersweet amusement. My client, one Mr. Usenet T.} Oracle wishes to avoid any unpleasant legal wrangling with your} client, his wife, one Lisa M. Oracle, and to accomplish this desired} state of non-enmity, in a legal sense, is willing to produce documenta-} tion proving conclusively conditions of fraud, malice, and entrapment} on the part of your client, the aforementioned Mrs. Oracle, thus} nullifying her previously filed complaint.}} In his defense, my client produces the enclosed items, the originals} being retained by our firm to guard against any unfortunate "accident"} which may occur while said items are in your possession. You will} agree, we are sure, that our evidence, most particularly the Polaroids} of your client in the form of a she-goat in a red leather teddy at the} nuptuals in question, in concert with her signature on the wedding} license, on which she refers to herself as, and I quote, "Nubian} Num-Num," and the veritable bevy of depositions from eyewitnesses} to a key incident approximately 12 hours before the actual wedding,} in which your client initially encountered the estimable Mr. Oracle,} "clopping" as one observer put it, over to him on all fours, eating} the sole of his right sandle while making lewd "snuffling" sounds,} then licking the sole of his foot until my client was obliged to} accompany her to an anteroom in which activities commenced that it} would be in your client's best interest to avoid disclosing. All} this occured during peak hours of operation at the Bacchus' Bowl-} o-Rama, and further depositions may be brought forth upon request.}} This incident has proved embarrassing in the extreme to my client,} a diety whose past life has been unblemished by the ugly stain of} scandal. However, he will not be caused further pain by a creature} who tricked him into marriage by assuming an alluring shape, only} revealing her true nature on their wedding night, thus causing} sufficient stress to my client to send him into intensive group} sexual therapy to overcome the resulting inhibitions. Nay, my} client has suffered enough, and demands these futile threats} cease and desist, on pain of future, public, disclosures about} your client which will result in her spending the rest of her} miserable life as one of Hades' gold-plated bidets. We trust} this course of action will not be necessary and that your client} will withdraw her claim.}} Respectfully,}} Gouge, Screwe, Gypp, and Reame} Attorneys At Law

> Oh most wise Oracle, an answer please, for your humble and devoted> supplicant who worships the ground you walk upon.>> Is sex the strongest force in the universe, or is it power? Or, are> they one in the same?

} Lisa? Lisa, could you help me out here? I've got a questioner on the} line who wants to know if sex is power.}} "Listen, Orrie, I've *told* you about taking questions when you're} supposed to be setting aside time for me! Next thing I know, the} jello's hardened and it's very uncomfortable. So, if your questioners} are more important to you than I am, I guess you won't be needing me} around tonight, will you?"}} No! I mean, yes! Aw, c'mon, Lisa, cut me some slack...}} "How many times have I done that already? No! This is just one more} straw! You'll just have to go without for a few days. I've already} told Aphrodite that if you call her hoping to get some on the side,} she's to tell you to stuff yourself or I won't organize any more orgies} for her. You think I don't know you've been screwing around while I} visit my Mom?"}} Aw, but Lisa...}} "Nice try, but the big sad eyes aren't going to make it this time.} Just sit at your little terminal and answer questions, since *they*} mean so much to you. Let's see how well you deal with going to bed} *alone* for a while."}} <SLAM>}} <Shuffle, shuffle, creak, sigh>}} Well, supplicant, you are close, but not quite right. The strongest} force in the universe is the *withholding* of sex.}} You owe the Oracle an inflatable Lisa, just for a few nights...

> To: Mr. U. Oracle>> Dear Sir:>> I'm sorry to inform you that you test has come back positive. Please> return to our office as soon as possible to begin treatment. If> possible you should bring with you a list of all your sexual partners> from the last fifteen years.>> Please consider this to be of the utmost importance. Thank you.>> Dr. Billy-Joe Harvester

} Lisa: Now what could this letter for Orrie be. Oh! Oh...Orrie must} be playing jokes on the medical profession again. The very idea} that an omniscent, all-powerful being could have an STD is} ludicrous! I mean, he once had a computer virus for a few} minutes, but he got rid of it quickly enough. And anyway, my} tests came in negative after that party six months ago. If I} was going to pick anything up, I would have picked it up then.} Nope, it's a joke.}} Oracle: Lisa? What are you reading?}} Lisa: Just some mail.}} Oracle: Anything interesting?}} Lisa: Nope! Just go back to bed. I'll be there with the marshmallow} fluff and the rollerblades in a couple minutes.}} Oracle: Oh boy!}} Lisa: Now that he's gone, I can reply to this letter. Dear Dr.} Harvester, (what a weird name!) Mr. Oracle recently passed away} of a mysterious illness. He is unable to respond to your} inquiry. Have a nice day!

> Oh wise Oracle, brother of God, descendant of mount Olympus, creator of> High Queries, dispenser of eternal Wisdom, of Whom I would not dare to> lick the boots and rather drivel around in a pit of my own filth then> dare to step in His shadow on a hot summer day in the desert.>> Pray, tell me:>> Why do the English drive on the lefthand side of the road?

} This aberrant behavior on the part of the English people is little more} than a matter of habit. It stems from when all the English relied on} horses for their transportation; when dealing with horses, the English} made a habit of doing everything, be it buckling on the harness or} mounting the horse itself from the left.}} Thus, through the ages, English children have been brought up with the} admonishion that "left is right, and right is wrong." Any attempt by} the child to approach a horse from the right would be met with a severe} thrashing with a carpet beater, and it would then be sent to bed before} Benny Hill came on.}} As a child, Rudyard Kipling once wrote "Right is right, and Left is} left, and never the twain shall meet"; this was viewed as a crass pun} on the directional instruction, and his nanny took him forthwith to the} greasy green Limpopo river, where a crocodile bit his nose. Later,} Kipling rewrote this line as "East is East, and West is West, and never} the twain shall meet"; as a result he was lionized by women all over} the world. A true Englishman, he decided that crocodile episode was} more pleasurable.

> Oh, Oracle, I don't mean to whine before Your Holiness. And> I know that I'm not supposed to ask about this type of system,> but how is a one armed person supposed to warm boot a DOS box?>> (This one has one of those older keyboards with Ctrl only on> the left hand side and Del only on the right hand side.)

> Great Wisdom!>> Please tell me why Finland is the most expensive country to live> in the whole world? What can be done about it?>> Living in Finland is about 59% more expensive than in America.> Please help the poor Finns! If you have a solution, send it also> to Mr. Aho, the Prime Minister of Finland.

} Vowels. Vowels are several hundred times more expensive than} consonants, and Finland runs a huge vowel import surplus. The pattern} is well-known among economists: A similar problem occurs in Hawaii, one} of the most costly states in the union, and the converse occurs in} Wales and Poland, net vowel exporters which consequently have very low} costs-of-living. Why do you think Wheel of Fortune charges for vowels,} but pays for consonants?}} You owe the Oracle a sometime Y and W.

} There are two questions here:}} 1. Why do people apologize for the Inconvenience?}} Many, many years ago, when the Inconvenience was first born, it was} able to apologize for itself. For better or for worse (and this was a} highly debated issue), the Inconvenience lost his ability to speak.} (How? you may ask... the Cat got its tongue, of course). Anyway, the} Humans were developing this concept called manners just about then, and} the rest, as they say, is history.}} 2. Wouldn't it be better to simply get it right the first time?}} This is a long story... but what the heck -- Lisa's gone for the day} anyhow.}} Once upon a time, God created dinosaurs. And he looked at them, and} saw that they were good. Not great, you understand, but good. So he} decided to make them better. Thus was born the concept of evolution} (don't tell the scientists that God created evolution -- they'd go} nuts). Unfortunately He was busy that day, and His mind was wandering,} and the dinosaurs unfortunately began getting worse. Their legs got} shorter, their stomachs got bigger, their brains got smaller... you get} the picture. By the time God finally noticed the mess, it was getting} out of hand. The only alternative left was to destroy them altogether} (nope, it wasn't an ice age, or even a really big meteorite). When He} noticed, He happened to in the midst of cooking a batch of cookies. He} was reading the recipe, and happened to look over His shoulder at His} monitor, which happened to be switched to the Earth camera, and well,} it sounded something like this:}} "Let's see... bake at 350 degrees for ... What the ... oh no ... fixing} that dinosaur thing is going to be one big inconvenience."}} Unfortunately, he had forgotten to switch his voice recognition} software off, and as he had sort of mumbled that whole bit, the} computer caught "... Make ... one big Inconvenience".}} And that's how the Inconvenience was born. (We're talking about the} computer that created the Earth here, you understand.)}} Let's see, your question... ah yes, "wouldn't it be better to get it} right the first time?" Well, yes, of course it would have been.} Nobody likes getting it wrong, especially God. But, hey, everyone} makes mistakes now and then. For example, you completely forgot to} grovel. (But don't worry, I'm in a good mood today.)}} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Bible, Murphy's edition.

} I'm hurt. I am, in fact, deeply offended. You accuse ME, the Usenet} Oracle, of not caring what other people think? It's my life! my bread} and butter! yea! the core of my very existence!}} Of course, there WAS a time when I was less concerned...}} [standard 70's "dream sequence waves"]}} "Orrie, you come in and put on something more than that loincloth} before the neighbors see you."}} "Oh, <ZOT> off, Mom."}} "Orrie, I'm serious. This frolicking about semi-nude just will not} do."}} "Mom, do you really think I care what you think?"}} "Young man, you may be the Usenet Oracle, but I'm your mother, and when} I tell you to do something you DO IT. Hear me?"}} "Mom, I don't care!! Whatcha gonna do about it?"}} / ZZZZZ OOO TTTTT \} / Z O O T \} < Z O O T >} \ Z O O T /} \ ZZZZZ OOO T /}} "Owww...."}} [standard "return to present wave"]}} So, you see, there was a time when I didn't care. Once. Never} again--I've learned my lesson.}} You owe the Oracle some Bactine.