For reasons too tedious to recount, I remembered today about some pretty good jokes I used to write for Germans. I could only remember two of them, but then I made up a bunch of new ones today. So two of these you may have already seen me tell, but the rest are fresh material.

Please add your own until there are 1001 of them.

1. Two peanuts were out taking their daily constitutional one day. Although they were peanuts, they were sapient and anthropomorphic, so they discussed the events of the day with each other at some length. One of the peanuts was a shelled, unsalted, roasted peanut; and the other fellated me at my request!

2. Young Hans, a simpleton, visited a town nearby his home at the behest of his mother, an elderly widow. The reason for his visit that day was that the town functioned as a center of commerce for nearby residents, and Hans' mother had requested that Hans make purchase of a large sack of corn flour for baking.

When Hans returned from the village, however, his mother discovered to her consternation that he had made purchase not of a sack of flour, but of a wiry gander! "Hans," she said, "your actions today were foolish!"

3. On a visit with Frau Schmidt, Frau Diefendorf caught a glimpse of some unusually large men's shoes in the Schmidts' entryway. "Frau Schmidt," she remarked, "such large shoes. You know what they say about men with large feet!"

"No," replied Frau Diefendorf, "I do not. What do they say about men with large feet?"

Frau Schmidt blushed and responded, "They say that men who have large feet also have large penises. I am sorry for speaking inappropriately."

"Oh, no. It is true. Herr Diefendorf does have an unusually large penis," then, trying to lighten the mood to put Frau Schmidt at ease, she said, "I have noticed that Herr Schmidt has quite dainty feet, so perhaps the converse applies as well!"

"Yes," said Frau Schmidt, looking at the floor. "I believe he does. I apologize for broaching this topic."

4. A man whose name I cannot recall entered a shop in a small but well-travelled village. The shopkeeper, alerted by the bell he'd attached to the door for those purposes, emerged from the back of the shop presently.

The first gentleman inquired of the shopkeeper about some specific product that the shopkeeper was unfamiliar with. Somewhat ashamed of his ignorance and hoping not to lose face with the stranger, the shopkeeper answered the query with an irrelevant and unintentionally comical answer that assumed that the dry good the man asked for was in fact a foodstuff!

5. An American gentleman named Steve was working for a German man named Eldon. Although Eldon is not a traditionally German name, his parents had named him this nonetheless. One day, Steve made a comment in passing that Eldon misconstrued, so Eldon responded angrily, confusing Steve and making him feel unsure about his grasp of the German language and culture.

Later that day, Eldon was violently attacked by a third party, sustaining injuries that did not completely heal until six weeks had passed.

6. Attempting to submit a simple query of the records contained in his employer's database, young computer professional Werner inadvertently use the Boolean 'or' operand in place of the intended 'and.' The records returned for this query were far more numerous than Werner had intended, making the results of the query unsuitable for Werner's needs, and causing his company's mainframe computer to slow perceptibly.

7. A young man named Florian had become enamored of a young unmarried woman of his acquaintance, and thus hoped to attract her attentions.

To this end, one day, Florian visited some friends to discuss some mild trickery he had planned that he hoped would cause the young lady to see him as an object of affection.

Unbeknownst to Florian, however, the young woman in question was also visiting with Florian's friends that day; and overheard his plans to deceive her.

The young lady's knowledge of Florian's intentions allowed her to gain something of a socially dominant position over Florian, and eventually caused him to experience some humiliation in a public forum!

8. Hoping to gain some personal status in his community, a young man named Ulrich acquired a pedigreed dog at great cost.

However, when Ulrich invited some prominent local residents to his home to visit, the dog proceeded to lick its genitals noisily, and in full view of the guests!

I don't get it. Are these retelling of jokes I ought to know, or what? They seem oddly abstracted.

It reminds me a bit of bluejay's review of jokes.

__________________Hear me / and if I close my mind in fear / please pry it openSee me / and if my face becomes sincere / bewareHold me / and when I start to come undone / stitch me togetherSave me / and when you see me strut / remind me of what left this outlaw torn

... Nope, I still haven't got it. They make me giggle nervously, but I don't think they're funny.

__________________Hear me / and if I close my mind in fear / please pry it openSee me / and if my face becomes sincere / bewareHold me / and when I start to come undone / stitch me togetherSave me / and when you see me strut / remind me of what left this outlaw torn

I just don't get it. Are these jokes about German humor, which I'm not getting because I'm not familiar with German humor?

__________________Hear me / and if I close my mind in fear / please pry it openSee me / and if my face becomes sincere / bewareHold me / and when I start to come undone / stitch me togetherSave me / and when you see me strut / remind me of what left this outlaw torn

11. An middle-aged civil engineer named Werner visited his physician to complain of recent hearing loss. The physician insisted on conducting a full rectal examination. Werner did not understand the need for such an invasive procedure to diagnose hearing loss. He voiced no objections, and nodded politely to the nurse as he left to go home.

12. Bruno, a strapping youth, was walking down the main street of his town one day, absentmindedly humming a tune that was popular at the time.

He was interrupted by a man he was not acquainted with, who asked him if he had changed his hairstyle, as he did not recognize him as the original performer of that song.

Bruno answered that, while he had recently gotten a haircut, he was not, in fact, the artist from the professional recordings.

The man then explained that he had not actually confused Bruno with the artist who had recorded the song, and the question was meant as a sarcastic means of pointing out that Bruno's rendition of the tune was poorly executed.

14: An American woman visited Hamburg in the winter. Confused by snow and her unfamiliarity with the city, she drove her rented Volkswagen into a bus lane. She drove approximately 30 meters to the other end and returned to the street.

While she drove her accidental detour, the gentry waiting for the bus inquired, "Don't you know how to follow the rules!"

15. Vilmar, a traveling salesman, whose 10.4 year old Opel became stuck in a 3 meter deep snow bank during blizzard in rural Schleswig-Holstein. It took Vilmar several hours to trudge through the deep snow drifts to the nearest farm house with a light on. Frozen half to death, Vilmar finally reached the front door and knocked on it. When Berke, a grizzled old farmer, answered the door, Vilmar pleaded for a place to spend the night. "Sure, young man, I can give you a place to sleep," said the hospitable old man. "But, I have no daughter for you to sleep with."

__________________Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.--W.C. Fields

16. Josef-Gerd Schicklgruber was planning his annual holiday but having a great deal of difficult deciding where he should go. He discussed his indecision with his neighbor, Frau Haus, who said, "Perhaps you should go to Obersalzberg, which I understand is quite lovely this time of year."

"Thank you for your suggestion, Frau Haus," responded Josef-Gerd, "But that would be inappropriate given my surname."

__________________"We can have democracy in this country, or we can have great wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can't have both." ~ Louis D. Brandeis

Her Meitz was in line at the grocery to pay for his strudel, the line was moving very slowly. He watched while the adjacent line moved at faster rate of speed. Her Meitz was thinking about changing lines when the store closed.