a blog about a girl learning to juggle wifery, mom'ing, my self & share MY truths one day at a time!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Finding Alice in the Rabbit Hole

I've been asking myself something a lot lately-- "where have I been?"Today as I drove home through the canyon that my son and I point out the bell peppers, count the watering holes, and race the train on certain afternoons I realized, six months ago I made a decision that robbed me (hopefully temporarily) of my ability to be inside my own head.

It was like lightning struck and all of a sudden my life was on rewind and then fast forward connecting the dots.

This year has produced a lot of "new" in my life. New I have wanted and new I haven't. It's been something taken from me, a dream I gave up, a goal accomplished, a double edged sword that appeared to be gift & blessing, goodbyes & hello's. It has all catapulted me into a personal divide so restricting & confining that I had forgotten any thing that I loved in life.

My self has truly been duking it out in the last 6 months. I have spent nights crying & journaling pages of "how do I be the new me in a place that makes me want to live like the old me" & I have really, really struggled.

I forgot how to craft, how to write--I forgot the things that made me feel good and allowed me to breathe.

I realize there are tough patches in life and I am thankful that I was able to come to a point where I was able to admit- humpty dumpty fell, the queen of hearts turned bitter, the mad hatter is running himself in circles, & Alice is lost.

Everyone needs help getting out of life's rabbit holes and I'm finally emerging from this epic fall from grace. It ultimately comes down to me and learning to give myself grace (which I'm not good at), not expecting perfection (I just don't seem to get that one), ceasing to compare my life to others (talk about a battle!), & setting out to live the priorities I verbalize- Faith First, Family second, & all else proceeding after.

In a season of thanks, I'm thankful for new beginnings, forgiveness of myself, my husband's patience & undying encouragement, the friends who have been there to listen to me, the family that has been helping me fight this dark year each in the ways they can, for HOPE.

6 comments:

hey girl,I totally can relate - as you know. You also know that I am blessed to be on the biggest adventure of my life. Please know, it came after YEARS of searching, many tears, raising four boys, and not having a clue who I was. It comes - most often not nearly as quickly as we would like, but when the time is right. thinking of you,xx

I just want to stand up and give you an ovation for this post! I am so filled with excitement, trepidation, joy and a healthy dose of faith that you will woo that Alice right out of the rabbit hole. I love that you opened up - found your voice ... and that you are my family.

Allegra, this is the post I have been hoping for, I know that Alice is going to dance out of that hole, that she will know what is right and good...it took me a long time to know what is right and good, and at times I still fight it with everything i have, waiting for the rug to fall, so I plunder and have to pull myself back up...I keep waiting. and yet I know that i have like you surrounded myself with good people who only want the best for me, and if I do fall will be there to help....stay strong, and stay true to who you are...that is all you can do...that is all you are required to do! xoxoxo

Allegra, I'm glad things are looking up, your writing is so touching. When things are tough you really have to pick yourself up by sheer determination. You are a strong, beautiful woman. God Bless, Susan