Please Find Some Time To Read This

Question: Dear Luise: I am a seperated mom and have a 22 yr old son. We are very close together. He had a girlfriend of 2 years and my partner and I used to love her like our own daughter. We used to all spend alot of time together. However things changed..his girlfriend, suddenly cheated on him before Christmas and he was devasted and they split. I was also very hurt as I loved her alot. My partner and I gave all our energy to help and support him as he used to come to us for help and support. A year passed and he was ok. He dieted, started going out and life seemed ‘normal’ for all of us. Suddenly they got back together! It was a shock for all of us. We made it clear to our son that we do not want her in our lives. She hurt us all too much! Now my son spends all the time with her, sleeps weekends at her house and comes home just to wash and sleep. We seldom talk. He abondoned us suddenly after all that we did for him and it is very painful. We do not fight but I feel that I have a right for an opinion as he did and I do not believe she is the women who will love him for life since she cheated after 2 years! I know I may loose my son, but the thought of her in our lives makes me feel sick! Thank you for your help. Regards, P.

Answer: Dear P.: Since you also posted on www.WiseWomenUnite.com , my Web-forum for women who have issues with adult children and extended families, I have answered it there.

Here is a copy of my response:

My take on this…and I’m happy that you are getting many different approaches to it…is that we open our arms willingly and take our newborns into them. We vow to stand by them and protect them and give them the best we have to give. And we do. We aren’t taught that our role has a “shelf life” and that one day we will have to let go. We see them through thick and thin and we are praised for that and it becomes our life. Then they cross that magic threshold called adulthood. When they wake up that morning, they are supposed to be wise and capable and on the same morning, we are supposed to wish them well and turn away…leaving our charges to whatever life throws at them.

I have deliberately overstated that to emphasize the issue but the bones of it are the truth. Some grow wise slowly and leave our loving care gently. Some stay and have to “call mom” and ask for her direction when they are 40. Some have more growing pains in adulthood than they did as kids and it breaks our hearts. Some think we could have done a better job…anyone could have done a better job. It’s a crap shoot.

The issue is usually the same. They need to learn and grow, separate and move on and watching that happen is often unbearable for us. It’s no comfort to know that our parents went through the same thing. None at all.

We can’t drop them like a hot potato but we can get that our job is done and start to rebuild our self-worth around something beyond parenting. We were whole before we became parents. What a novel concept. We can back off and work through our end of the separation and not make it worse. We can support our kids in moving out and being responsible, so the parent/child thing isn’t still going on in the physical sense. We can even get therapy if we continue to see their adult lives as our business. or that the past will be part of the future.

On this forum we see every possible combination of situations and circumstances and yet the issue remains. As our adult children, who often don’t look like adults to us or to others, struggle with taking over the reins of their lives, making decisions and learning from the consequences…or not, we can learn to accept the process. They may turn away from us only to return later as friends or they may choose to go on alone. Our concept of family may eventually expand but there’s no guarantee that it will.

The truth remains that we gave them life and the best environment in which to grow that we could provide. They take that with them. We let go. Then dynamics can still change! I am 86 years old and my son is starting, in very subtle ways, to take care of me. We are always adapting or at least trying to. It’s life. Blessings, Luise

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About Luise Volta

Luise’s long life has brought her to being the great grandmother of four teenagers. Born in 1927, the miles in between her teens and theirs have been full of falling and getting up, learning and growing and then falling and getting up again. A normal, though not simple, process.
She has had diverse careers in nursing, teaching preschool, interior design, Real Estate sales, insurance adjusting and dairy herd testing. She’s lived in the Mid-west, South and West Coast. Luise is married to the love of her life, Val, born in 1911. Their little terrier, “Rosa,” makes most of the major decisions at their house, (or thinks she does).

2 Responses to Please Find Some Time To Read This

He is an adult and tho we don’t always agree, I know I’m there, we have to suck it up. I love my son and the wonderful grandson I have! So therefore I love her even tho I fear every day that she will hurt us all. She just scares me to death and I never thought he would let any woman lead his life but he dearly loves his son also. I just hope and pray alot, so I will do the same for you! B.

I have been reading these stories and able to relate to My son hates me..

I have this amazing 15 year old son . he really is amazing in so many ways.
His dad I divorced 6 years ago, he cheated I forgave he cheated some more and after 5 or 6 times of forgiving I said good bye.. he is now married to her a girl half his age… His dad was not a kind man every turn his mission in life was to hurt me
in so many ways to name them all would be pointless.. I did not have a job I was a stay at home mom.. I cheished it ! I love my boys more than any one or any thing in my life. His dad had money and still does… I am a single mom and as we all know we well most of us just get by…. My son’s dad buys him every thing the sky’s the limit all the sports games , movies, dinners, go karts, picking him early up at school , not making him go to school just really a man who would rather be a pal instead of a dad shame on him…

I have made plenty of mistakes since my divorce.. It is tough being a mom
and it is tough when I am the only one saying No , no you cannot stay up till 11 no you can not go to r- rated movies., no we can not buy those 120.00 pair of sun glasses because your 225.00 pair is out dated this year . I could go on and on about all the things that does not make me a popular mom , the sunglasses really was not the point to where things are now, almost three weeks today my sun did not get the sun glasses, I made a deal with him mow the lawn feed your dog pick up your clothes and in a month I would get them for him..

My son did not like the answer but I took out to dinner any way silly mom… It started with him ordering anything he wanted cost was not a factor to him then it went to your a sorry excuse for a mom… still makes me cry … he wanted to know how much money I made ? wanted to know why my parents his grand parents did not help with his go carting , as I told him they are old school and they save their money then he wanted to know why I did not give money, I told him I gave as much as I had not good enough so it was no way of getting him out of all this stuff so me being mom dumped 6 ice cubes in his lap… yes I did but before everyone thinks I am a nut mom we do that we have food fights water fights whip cream you name it we do it … sillyfun really but he called his dad told him I dumped soda on him and he wanted to live with him so the next day was his allowed day and since then my son refuses to come home and my ex says he is not getting in the middle of it..
He will not bring him home he does not answer my call about our son;s pink eye and sadly my amazing son will not answeri my call or text.. makes my heart hurt… Now let me tell you about my son when he is with me we say our prayers at nite which I am sure he could do well on his own… but as long as he did’nt say stop I figured he was ok with it a blanket on the ground making pictures in the clouds and making numbers out of stars at nite,, him telling me to put my hand over his eyes in a scary parts of a movie . yes my amazing son has been very ugly and very disrespectful and I have cryed a million tears but in closing I love my son and I will and would never give up on him. no one ever said being a mom is easy so I ‘ll keep texting him and I ‘ll keep praying for him and even his dad .. so to all that wants to just shut the door because you are hurting just believe that God won’t bring it to you that he won’t bring you though it… So lets try our tears and lets just be the constant in our amazing childs life… S.