Homer: Alright son, we're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our head in prayer. Dear Lord, I know You're busy, seeing as how You can watch women change clothes and all that, but if You help us steal this grease tonight I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.

Marge: I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are.

Homer: Now, here's my "Everything's OK Alarm." (picks up a device that looks like a smoke detector and presses a button. It starts beeping loudly, with a sound similar to an air horn.) THIS WILL SOUND, EVERY 3 SECONDS, UNLESS SOMETHING ISN'T OKAY!

Homer: Oh, sorry. (switches knob on gun) OK, this time, try to keep your nostrils closed. (Marge swats away gun, and the makeup hits a nearby wall instead) Oh, look what you did. Now I have to get my cold cream gun.

Marge: You disobeyed me, snuck over here, and murdered a helpless animal?!

Bart: I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished.

Marge: (sighs dejectedly) Oh, what's the point, Bart? I punish, and I punish, and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine! Have fun killing things! (gets in her station wagon and drives off)

Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as Earwigs, Eww! and Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory.

Principal Skinner: It's already wiped out the Dodo, the Cuckoo, and the Ne-Ne, and it has nasty plans for the Booby, the Titmouse, the Woodcock, and the Titpecker.

Bart: [to Marge] Everyone thinks they're monsters. But I raised them and I love them. I know that's hard to understand.

Marge: Mmmm. Not as hard as you think.

Homer: This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's Comet collided with the moon!

Jerry Springer: And now for my final thought; nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of their child. (everyone onstage looks ashamed) Let's hope they put their differences aside, and do what's best for Maggie. [Maggie lunges at Springer] What the [bleep]?! Get this [bleep] baby off! [she bites him][bleep]! Son of a [bleep]!

Homer: ...and then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the evil ogre, Barney, had left the men's room in the most wicked condition! So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley--

Lisa: That's not a fairy tale; it's something that happened to you at Moe's!

Homer: Sssh. Anyway, the prince passed out for a hundred years, until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon.

Homer: Everybody's marriages is falling apart except ours. You see the problem is communication.... too much communication.

Homer: Will you stop it! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu!

Homer: (voice-over) I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under ... (sound of gun cocking)... my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So in summary, NBC - bad. Fox - good. (very softly)CBS great.

(sound of gunshot, followed by a thud. The Gracie Studios logo appears, accompanied by three more gunshots. According to the audio commentary, George Meyer came up with the idea of shooting an already dead corpse a few times, he called them "safety shots")

Bart Simpson: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

[Homer tries to build a barbecue pit, but all the set's content spills out of box and onto cement bed, and when he takes them out and puts them on the barrow filled with bricks, the bricks fall in as well; Homer then tries to put the pit together as much as he can before the concrete dries, but the instructions are covered in wet cement]

Homer: English side ruined! Must use French instructions! Le grille? What the hell is that?!

[Cut to some time later, as it appears the pit was built exactly as the box showed]

Homer: Yeah, that's one fine looking barbecue pit. [it is revealed to be the design on the box, as the real end result is a jumbled mess] WHY DOESN'T MINE LOOK LIKE THAT?! [screams in rage, starts hitting pit with a crowbar] WHY?! Why must life be so hard?! Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?!

[Cut to kitchen, as Marge is making a cake and Bart is licking a popsicle]

Marge: How's your father's project coming along?

Bart: I think he's almost done. [He looks out, as we see Homer charge towards pit with an umbrella whilst screaming, shove it into an opening, and fall backwards as it opens up] Yeah, he's done.

Bart: (as he turns on the TV in the next room) Mom, Lis, check it out, Dad's on TV.

Homer: (unzips his pants and sits on the toilet) Oh, yeah!

Marge, Bart and Lisa: (from the next room) Agghh!

Captain: Uh, folks, we’re experiencing some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I’m going to go ahead and ask you to put your seatbelts back on. When we get to 35 thousand feet, he usually does let go, so from there on out, all we have to worry about is Mothra, and, uh, we do have reports he’s tied up with Gamera and Rodan at the present time. Thank you very much.

Lenny: Hey, isn't that Homer on the Japanese channel?

Moe: Wait a minute. If that's Homer, who's been putting beers on his tab?