7.24.2012

a good long while ago now i started writing little letters to the man i'd one day marry (should i be so lucky).

and much as i do believe it'll be fun to one day give them to him, to one day laugh about them, they are mostly for me, now.

they are a backdrop against which i suss out what's important--what's of value. they are part stream of conscience, part scrapbook, part hope for the future.

and they have meaning--for me, they have meaning.

i'm not suggesting they should have meaning for anyone else.

i am not suggesting that all woman should want to partner off with a man. or that all woman should want to have children. i am certainly not suggesting that everyone should marry (modern statistics indicate that very few in fact should). only that these are the things of value in my own life. and certainly people can attempt to belittle and make small and devalue these notions, but i'm not sure that they have the right. in fact, i'm quite certain they don't. because i am not attempting to proselytize this way of life, truly i'm not,i'm just saying, hey, i think this might be important to me. i quite think i want that one day.
i dated a man one time who lived mere blocks from his parents. who had the keys to their apartment on his home keychain. who would pop over for sunday morning breakfasts or simply if the mood struck. and he had the audacity to suggest to me that i was too close to my parents. my parents, 1, 630.6 miles away.

he couldn't possibly have known what those 1,630 miles felt like, least of all because he never asked.

how easy it is for all of us to assume we know another's mind, another's heart.

someone recently pointed out that my letter's make me appear desperate. it is not the first time it's been suggested and i doubt it'll be the last. and so i gave it a moment's thought before realizing if i was truly desperate i'd probably be in a relationship now--probably would have been in many.

relationships for relationships' sake.

how many relationships appear perfect up until the moment they are over.

how many desperate women--desperate men--smile behind the facade of a seemingly perfect life?

i certainly don't know. and it's not for me to judge. we remain single--or with ill-fitting partners for a whole host of reasons, most deeply personal and not the right of the public domain.

sometimes someone will leave a lovely comment saying they are envious of my life and all i can think is no-no! you have no idea! it is tremendously difficult and there are some desperately low moments and i wouldn't wish this on anyone! and yet i wouldn't trade another's life for my own.

and so i want to say let's all enter into a tacit agreement shall we? i'll not wish for your life. and you'll not wish for mine.

i used to look at really thin women and say to tom, why can't i do that? obviously there are other women who are better than me--more successful. they are able to lose weight and keep it off. why can't i be like them?
and he would respond, okay, but you can't just take that bit of their life, you have to take it all. and you don't know what another's secret shame or great sadness is. you don't know another's addiction. you can't imagine another's loss.

and we all have something, don't we?

i consider myself a strong and independent woman. imperfect but also impossibly strong. relatively intelligent with an improbably fantastic group of friends.

but do i long for a man? yes, absolutely.

every shred of scientific evidence suggests that the reason we are here in this earth-bound-human-form is to make connections and form bonds. the bonds with friends being one, the bonds with family another, and the bond with a romantic partner all-together-different still.

i never realized that wanting a man--wanting to share my life with a man--made me less of a woman. made me somehow weak and an embarrassment to my sex. are the two things mutually exclusive? when did we as women do this too each other? is this the great, lasting legacy of women's lib?

because i don't want it. that's not the legacy i'll choose to take.

i am a strong, independent woman. and my desire for a man neither makes me more or less of these things. it simply is--and it is mine.

it makes me human. in need of sustenance. in the form of touch and affection and love.

but in wanting to find a partner--in wanting to choose the right partner--i want the man who compels me to be more. more of myself. who demands that i be as honest and as true and as good as i am capable of. and so in that sense yes, i want the man who will make an honest woman out of me. honest, having nothing to do with sin or sex or needing a man to complete me, but everything to do with allowing me to by myself--imperfect and messy and flawed in more ways the i care to share here.

....

i do want to take a moment to say this: if one more person says to me it'll come when you least expect, when you stop looking i'm gonna lose it. i can think of no more insulting cliche to throw at a single person. like saying, it'll be the last place you look for it. really, wow, thank you so much for the insight.

because to think that i haven't gotten to that place where i stopped looking, stopped searching, only to move on past it and circle back again more times than i care to count is a gross misestimation of me as person. i have felt deep affection for a great many men in my life. and i have found them when i was looking, when i wasn't, and at each of the many steps between those two extremes.

88 comments:

Anonymous
said...

I hate all that cliche BS about when you'll meet someone. Amen, Meg. When ever he does come into your life, you will be ready because you know yourself and continue to strive to get to know yourself better. My most successful relationships have been when I can say: "this is who I am. If you like it-- great."

Love what you said about "wanting a man" making us "less-than". I've found that people find it "sad", "lonely" or "pathetic" when I say I am looking for close girlfriends. (Cuz, yaknow, I must be a "loser"...)

Why are we always so harsh? I think it's brave to declare to the world what you want.

i love my husband so much and he makes me into a better person, not because i need him to complete me but because he encourages me and gives me the confidence and strength to do things when initially i my not have it. and most importantly he accepts me warts and all.

but people judge me for it--saying that it is sad that i need a man. i don't need a man i just love my husband.

I have had this same thought about desperation when reading your blog. And let me be honest - I like your blog and think you are a beautiful writer, no doubt. And likely a beautiful person as well, both inside and out. Also I am not the anonymous person. I own my opinions. That said...

I don't think wanting a man makes you desperate. I have one, I love him and having him makes my life better. Wanting that for yourself is a wonderful dream that I am sure will come true.

But I believe it's the use of the words "longing" and "need" and similar. It sounds like you do not feel complete without this not-yet-determined man. And that, the thought that women are incomplete without men, is what drives women (particularly feminist women) insane. You don't just sound like you would like to get married. You sound like you're pining away, waiting for this person. It's the tone of the writing, the underlying passion that borders on begging which sounds desperate.

Also I know plenty of ragingly-desperate women who are not in relationships. The argument that one is not desperate because she is not in a bad relationship fails. After all, such desperation does turn off men.

Now THIS is the post I want to comment on!I tell my daughter and my nieces it's better to be alone than with the wrong man. Agreed: if you were desperate to be with a man you'd be with the wrong one, or many of the wrong ones!Men don't "complete" us - I hate that part of the Jerry McGuire movie, quite frankly. Does my husband make me a better me? Perhaps, because the confidence and strength that comes from knowing you are loved by the one you love, THAT changes you. But you are CHANGED, not completed. I'd be complete even if I were not with "the one." (Funny I posted this without reading Lottie's response, which is immediately above mine as I'm typing this!)And while I'm guilty of having said "it'll come when you least expect it," I thank you for putting your response out there. You're right. 100% right. Although I will say that my intention has never been to insult that person. I do think, in some cases, perhaps not yours but certainly with some of the girls/women I've said it to, they were so obsessed with looking for what they thought they wanted that I felt if they stopped looking for "him," "THE one," that perhaps someone might come along who is right, but might not look like the person they thought they were seeking... Sorry to all of you if you felt the unintended insult that Meg pointed out is in that comment...

Someone told me that a blog should be anything you want it to be. It's your space in cyber world, so make of it what you want. Since then, I've been a litle braver about what I write. I know there are people who don't agree with me, but heck, I didn't ask them to.

On that note, I do agree with you about that cliche BS of when you'll meet someone. I'm sick of hearing that, too. And what I hate the most is when people tell me that if I really want a husband, I would try harder. If I hear another person tell me that, I'll probably lose it.

my favorite thing about your blog has always been your insight. you think about things and choose your words so seemingly carefully, and i adore it. you make me stop and think, too. and tom -- oh! his words are wise. thank you for sharing that. i personally hope you continue to write love letters to that someday fellow. i write a blog of love letters for my husband (whom i actually am married to) but i often wish i had done it before i met him... so he could read them now and get to know me through them. we used to write to each other online, though, and we got to know each other well through those words. don't stop writing, meg... whether or not you find "the one." it doesn't matter when or where or whether or not you are "looking" for him. it is awesome that you use your words to find yourself and that you write for YOU. i tkae so much inspiration from you -- i do. (and i hope none of this is weird or annoying. i'm just saying... i hope you write a book someday.)

i believe one of the greatest heartaches in human life is feeling lonely. to not be loved and understood is one of the greatest motives and catalysts of human fault (i repeat motive, not fault itself).

you are brave and eloquent and so incredibly honest, and it's why i keep coming back for more. we've never met, but we share a city and, it seems, many similar thought, and i am incredibly grateful for that knowledge. life can be really challenging and even lonely sometimes, and learning that someone else, even a complete stranger, shares my wonderings, longings, thoughts, whatever it may be, is a really wonderful thing. so, as always, thank you for sharing!

Well said! I think the stereotype and image of the desperate woman doing all she can to snag a man is what automatically comes to mind when someone expresses the desire to find someone. Whether that's because of Hollywood or women who have been incorrectly taught that their self-worth is based upon being in a relationship it does a complete disservice to all. Being up front about looking for someone else to share your life and experiences with doesn't make you desperate, it makes you confident enough to put yourself out there and secure enough to know what you're looking for. When you state you want a better job or demand more from crappy friends it's considered standing up for yourself, but for some reason there is a huge taboo about demanding the same from a romantic partner. Posts like these are wonderful and necessary to change the way people view those vocally looking for love.

Also people who say ridiculous stuff like, "it'll happen when you least expect it" infuriate me. It condescendingly insinuates I do nothing but sit around and obsess over meeting my future prince charming, setting up my life so it can be decamped at a moment’s notice when I meet a guy who likes me enough to keep calling. Whenever I hear that old tired line I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes and kick them. Great post Meg!

Ashley (of Ashley & Patrick): How long were you single before married? How long have you been married? I don't ask to make any sort of argument that your opinion is invalid, but I might suggest you don't necessarily know what it's like to be in a single girl of Meg's age (which is young!) shoes. Or you might not remember what it can sometimes feel like to not have what you do now.

My sister is my best friend..but we are polar opposites. She met her husband at 16 and was married at 22. I am nearing the age she was when she had her first child. So sometimes when we talk about who I am and my nonexistent love-life she is just incapable of understanding what it's like to be me. She has never been where I am. She has never been single at my age.

Just because someone occasionally writes a heartfelt soliloquy about what she yearns for does not mean that she thinks she is incomplete or desperate--it means that we are all multifaceted human beings. And sometimes a single girl who has done incredible things and accomplished a lot but has a significant unrealized dream IS going to feel incomplete! That's just life! At 24, I have graduated from a prestigious undergraduate school, lived in two foreign countries and traveled to at least 13, speak two languages, support myself and have many other accomplishments to my name. But I dream of a certain career and I am struggling with graduate school applications. I feel incomplete for not yet being able to get the job I most want. And I feel incomplete without the husband and family I dream of. But I also feel wildly complete for all the amazing dreams I have already realized. I can feel both. And if some days I feel low and I am more focused on what I have yet to do than what I have already done, then that's ok. I am human and I can feel an incredible range of emotions.

All Meg does is share, and beautifully so, the full and natural range of human emotions. She wants and needs even when she has so much to her credit.

I have been following your blog for a few months now and I for one find your open, honest writing so valuable.

Like Hayley said, "it's brave to declare to the world what you want".

Honesty and strength exist in doubt as much as they exist in happiness. It's easy to admit to being happy... but bravo to those who can admit to their wishes for the future, their doubts, and their fears too. It's just a pity that in the instance that they do admit to these things, others write them off as desperate/weak/etc.

Kate - I was single, on and off, like most girls through college and half of law school. I had one long relationship in college (not quite 1.5 years), then just casually dated until I met my husband when I was 24. I'm now 28. So it really wasn't that long ago.

I'm not saying Meg is desperate. I just think that sometimes her writing sounds that way. And it makes sense...entries like that are often written when one is feeling very emotional.

I have a rule. Anyone who leaves an "anonymous" hurtful comment, doesn't count. When you don't even have the balls to show yourself when writing something on someone's personal space, a space they have clearly identified as theirs, your opinion is null and void.

To them I say, start your own blog.

Create your own outlet. Spill your thoughts, spill your heart, spill whatever it is you need to get out -- good, bad, silly, serious, honest, embarrassing, whatever you want, it's yours and you're allowed. And the day when someone anonymously tries to shit all over it, we will finally be able to talk eye to eye. On a level playing field.

@Ashley and Patrick: I am in a debt of gratitude to Kate for her comment. you are certainly entitled to your opinion and i get that. that being said, the tone of your comment--the way it was written--it was mean. at least, that's how i read it.

Also, I wanted to add that while a woman seeking a relationship with a man won't 'complete' her and 'isn't what an independent woman would do', a woman who is looking for a relationship with a man does *not* immediately fall under this category.

To be independent is a wonderful thing. To truly connect with another individual is a wonderful thing. I think it's unfortunate that some people must feel torn between 'being independent' and 'having love'. Why are the two seen as opposite?

A year ago, I was perfectly happy on my own and not 'looking' by any means. But I have never felt happier or more confident than now, with my boyfriend. He is an individual who has enriched my life so, so much. Yup, I said it. I am happier WITH him than I was a year ago withOUT him. If someone were to say I was dependent for being happier with a man, I would feel like they missed the point.

Can't we separate motives here? Seeking relationships due to insecurity/loneliness/etc will most likely point you in the wrong direction. But seeking real connection, love, and partnership is so far from being a weakness in my opinion.

Love doesn't weaken, it strengthens. And if a weakling is someone who wants to find someone to love, I'll gladly be one. Is it really that brave to deny something as raw and natural as human connection?

One of the things that 'got me at hello' when I first visited your blog was that you wrote letters to your husband to be. I wish I had had the insight to do that. I could write lots about anon commenters but then I find myself deleting my own comments as frankly you've responded to her (assume a her?) with such patience and eloquence, no more words are needed. Lou x

@Meg - I'm sorry you took my comment as "mean." I believe I went out of my way to talk about what a talented writer you are and explain that I would never say you were desperate. As an internet-reader, I have no ability to comment on your desperation or lack thereof.

However, as a reader, I can comment on the literature provided and I was just sharing that your word choice occasionally conveys a sense of desperation (which is hugely different than BEING desperate). As a writer, I think you would value such feedback. Isn't your goal to accurately convey experiences and emotions? I'm not commenting on you as a person or your relationships and I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to show you that your writing, while beautiful, is clearly not illustrating the way you feel quite as accurately as you would like.

It's just supposed to be constructive criticism. It wasn't meant personally.

The negative feedback you've received for being normal and expressing normal human sentiments is a little unsettling.

Yes, it is normal to want to marry and have children in your life. Ask anyone from the last generation, or better yet, 2 generations ago, when people were less sick, less lost, and less disconnected to themselves and others. Marriage and children were (and are) the point. Ask anyone on their deathbed if they regretted having progeny and sharing their life with someone.

Anyone reading this who is single, don't take offense. Being single is a beautiful step on the road, and for some its a longer period than others. But if you want to shed your innate selfishness (which we are all born with) and become a giver in your lifetime, having a healthy, functional marriage and raising children is the most efficient way to transform your nature from taker to giver. Sometimes we're not granted all of those tools (spouse/children), so we have to learn to give in other ways. But the point is to give, which is to love. Meg, if you're being called old-fashioned for that, take it as a compliment.

Maybe you should remove the option for Anonymous commenters since you seem to get your share of 'haters gonna hate.' People could always choose the Name/URL identity and put Anonymous as their name if they really needed to. ;)

I think it's kind of weird that we are all here discussing whether or not you sound desperate, and yet, here I am throwing my hat into the ring.

You are a lovely writer, that much is obvious (and beautiful photos!). And honestly, I think I read your blog because you remind me of me before I got married (I do not in any way mean this as an insult, it's just about the way you write). But at this point it is obviously harder for me to relate. I've been married 4 years and I didn't date a lot, so I don't always know how it is. One of my best lady friends is single and I can't relate to a lot of the feelings anymore.

So I think for me what comes across in your posts to FH, rather than desperation, is just a feeling of but what if he doesn't do/isn't those things? And I'm sure you, you will love him regardless and etc. Maybe it's just bothersome for those like me who are concrete thinkers. It can feel like reading someone's "list" of what they want in a guy, must play guitar, have brown eyes, be tall (or was that just my list!). I don't know. Or maybe it comes off like a fantasy list, like a 50 Shades of Grey fantasy lover or something.

Whoever you find, whoever is your home, he will undoubtedly love you in so many wonderful ways, but what if he doesn't love to do the Sunday crossword puzzle? I guess it's things like that.

Anyway, don't stop writing the letters, it's good writing. Just trying to offer some perspective.

I actually really love your "love letters" to your future husband. I find them not desperate but incredibly brave. I've come across similar accusations in my life; being needy or too focused on relationships. But I keep thinking how brave it is to be on the quest for true love and be proud of it. We ALL want to find love, every last single one of us...but who among us is brave enough to proclaim it? You're words are always so beautiful and you're doing it all right. I'm single too and we'll find love when the Universe wants us too...whether we are looking or not.

You know what...half the population wouldn't have the balls to say "hey, I really, really, really want to find my other half." It's not desperate or even some slight on you as a person. You're able to be raw and open and say something that I'm sure may people can identify with male or female. We're all searching for that soul mate/life partner whatever you want to call it - but ultimately we're all searching for the same thing. I think you're great and you know this! I would never trade my life for another persons, not even yours Ms Fee however do I sit back and go "damn that woman is inspiring and I'd like to be a little more like her"...yes! But I love me too. However you are inspiring as are many other people in this world who I admire. And on the flip side I'm sure I inspire someone else someplace else - it's how the world balances out.

But my point is this desperate or not so desperate - what does it matter? You've got a pair of balls and you're using said pair of balls to be honest. I have an incredible job which I love, amazing family and friends and I genuinely like who I am. I am also easy on the eye or at least not uneasy on the eye yet I haven't dated in forever or even been asked on a proper date Im 25! Do I sit an long for a great significant other. Would I have the balls to articulate as honestly and truthfully as you do for the same longing to an open audience? Hell no. So for that you my friend are a star.

It takes guts to put yourself out there as you. I applaud your honesty and courage. So many bloggers censor themselves, creating an online persona that is only shades of them and parts they want the world to see. It's rare that you see someone who displays so much. That's why I love reading your blog.

I've also been had many people say all of that "One day when you least expect it" nonsense. Life is crazy and it happens to each of us differently. We're kidding ourselves if we think we can predict other people's journeys.

I love your blog and the way you craft moments, feelings, intangible things. you put into words feelings I thought completely ineffable and so I continue to read.As someone who got married at 32, I know what it is to be single, to be yearning and longing for something that hasn't happened and yet still be crazy happy. It's not desperate to want something passionately unless you'll do anything to get it. I admire your ability to weave the good with the bad and and to take us there with you. You resonate hope.

i have always loved your blog and your writing. you have a way with words that is just so darn beautiful.

what i love about this space is your honesty and how you don't hold back. you share beautiful photos of new york and i'll find new places to go. i love that. while i love your blog, i've never wished for your life - or anyone else's - but i appreciate your words because it reminds me that there are other people out there that have similar feelings. we're all just humans finding our way through this turbulent life.

i've never thought of you as desperate. to me, you just have a good way with words and stitching them together in really powerful sentences! i think that's beautiful.

there will always be someone that has an opinion. that likes something, that hates it, that whatever's it. i suppose that's another joy of life...wading through those opinions, but remaining strong enough in your own to know that no matter what, as long as the core of you is good. then nothing else matters. and the same goes for commenters too...we can only control ourselves, not what anyone else thinks/does. sometimes we can hold onto our emotions before "reaction" takes over, sometimes not. but it's all about the ebb and flow of life.

they don't sound desperate. they sound like the intelligent and observant musings of a girl trying to figure out just what she wants in life. taking the time to mull it over in writing, and sharing that vulnerability with us. bravo, and more, please.

I am a very young happily married person. I completely agree with Kate's comment that those of us who have not experienced single life past the first few years in our twenties don't REALLY have the capacity to understand that perspective. Reading your blog, and specifically your gorgeous love letters, have really helped me get closer to understanding my older sister who is in a place in her life very similar to yours.

Thank you for helping us get closer to understanding. I think your perspective is pure and lovely. You don't seem desperate to me.

You don't sound desperate, you sound beyond your years intelligent. You so openly talk about your feelings, that maybe sometimes leave you as in complete despair, but you overcome it on day to day basis, right in front of our eyes. This sounds like a strong wise person to me. I used to think I was strong and independent and I didn't really strive for a relationship with a man - I thought I am proud and above all that... till I met my future husband. I loved him and wanted to be with him DESPERATELY. And as much as it's not ok - it's also OK to love someone that much. I think. Your blog is beautiful!

I don't think Ashley was being "mean." I think she was giving her opinion on your writing, and that opinion happens to be one that you don't like, as opposed to every other comment on here that feeds into your ego.

This blog absolutely is YOUR space to write, unapologetically, about how you feel, and you should never have to feel like you need to censor yourself. However, you can't control how people react to what you put out there, and you certainly shouldn't get angry when they disagree with you or say that they think your writing may be putting you in a bad light sometimes. I've been reading your blog for a while, but honestly, when I read this post I thought, "Get over yourself."

This post makes you sound desperate to control how people perceive you and your writing, and you can't possibly expect that to happen on a blog published publically on the internet, can you?

I'm having trouble understanding why all of the anonymous people out there continue to read and comment on a blog they don't agree it. Personally I only read and visit blogs that interest me and I get something out of when I read them. If you are unsatisfied with Meg's blog why waste your(and her)time putting her down and find a writer more suited for you. I'm sure there's a bazillion blogs out there that share your views and only yours.

Meg you are an amazing writer in my opinion and honestly you wouldn't have so many followers if we didn't all share many of the same thoughts.

Can we not enjoy the blog as a whole, but disagree with ONE post? Furthermore, why shouldn't we be able to comment when we disagree? I enjoy most of Meg's post, but there are a few that simply haven't been my favorite. It's ridiculous that people can't take a little criticism.

Why should we only read blogs that we agree with? That's ridiculous. When we do that, we don't challenge ourselves and continue to learn...We simply stay in a state of blissful ignorance.

It's absolutely absurd that when someone expresses an opinion that is contrary to Meg's, her followers have to attack that person and continuously tell her that she's great and that she isn't doing anything wrong. Seriously? She's not a child.

Amen, Meg. One thing I'll never understand about humanity as a whole is that many claim to want freedom and independence to think, feel, and act, and yet many of those same people shamefully dismiss other people's thoughts, feelings, and actions as though they somehow have less right to that freedom and independence. People disagree--what's good for one may not be good for another, but we should never (myself included) tack labels onto a person's character as thought we know the whole story. Blogs are limited. One post does not constitute a person's entire thought train even if it displays a topic that is reappearing. You are brave to share your life with us, the good and the bad and that is what I admire most about you. It isn't your life necessarily, because as you said, it has flaws as everything does. But in the same merit, you have a way of capturing the good and the bad that makes me analyze and create thoughts of my own. I will admit that at times I envy parts of your life. Usually it is because you've been brave enough to actually share things or experience things that I've wanted to but haven't had the courage to. I actually tend to think that is healthy because sometimes we all need a little push, something like "she did it and I can do it too". Nevertheless, I'd like to agree to honor the "i'll not wish for your life. and you'll not wish for mine." Lastly, as women, we should learn to appreciate eachother, disagreements and all. If we do to eachother what we will oppressors not to do, we only make it seem as if it is okay (the oppressing), and I for one never want that idea to come across.

Thank you for giving of a glimpse of your life, Meg. Haters will hate, but in the end, know that most of us respect you greatly.

It's funny that disagreeing with a person equals "hating" or "oppressing." I genuinely cannot understand why the people who have merely expressed thoughts that are contrary to the author's, or critique the author's, are being labeled as mean or as being bullies. How silly. That's what happens in the real world. Not everyone agrees with you on every single thing.

wow i seriously think some of these commenters (hello anonymous) have nothing better to do then be mean. i don't think you sound desperate at all. in fact i envy your writing. i'm single as well and long for the days when i can wake up next to my husband and we can drink coffee together on a saturday morning.

Live and let live. There is no ONE definition of women's rights, ways to live, and ways to be. We each play out our freedom, love and equality differently:) Meg, I would suggest going to a smaller blog or private or under a different name if criticism hurts. I bruise easily and put a lot of vulnerable posts out there so I make sure I get small amounts of visitors or I quit or move on. I don't want popularity- I just love the small following of positive people I have. Critisim is not bad either when placed nicely but some people have a tougher time enjoying life with random bliss when it is given out more often. Perhaps you may be one who needs to put her beautiful writing out there but in a less public forum?Talent does not have to be popular to have merit. You put whatever is in your heart on to the pages and while I may have different opinions or lifestyles- I enjoy listening. It's great to hear such a vastly different life and an opinion then my own...then again I am a pretty accepting person...BUT you never have to apologize for being you. You are valuable unique and talented. Some will not relate, some will not like it...but you only have one precious wild life to live. Live amongst those who disagree but find ways to be supported and stick to what you know to be true to you. This won't shield you from pain but it will aid when pain or discrimination or critique come along. We all have something to learn from each other if we listen...even those who are less sensitive teach in their own way. You are sensitive in soul...most writers are...exo your kind of writing. Good for you for owning it! Even the anonymous commentators sometimes want to help in the way they feel they can. We all do it in some way. Live and let live. Enjoy your one wildly precious life:)

“Beyoncé isn’t Beyoncé because she reads comments on the Internet. Beyoncé is in Ibiza, wearing a stomach necklace, walking hand in hand with her hot boyfriend. She’s going on the yacht & having a mimosa. She’s not reading shitty comments about herself on the Internet, & we shouldn’t either. I just think, Would Beyoncé be reading this? No, she would just delete it or somebody would delete it for her. What I really need to do is close the computer & then talk back to that voice & say, Fuck you. I don’t give a shit what you think. I’m Beyoncé. I’m going to Ibiza with Jay-Z now, fuck off. Being criticized is part of the job, but seeking it out isn’t. That’s our piece to let go.” (Kathleen Hanna)

Also, I spent way too long thinking that I couldn't possibly actively want a partner otherwise potential men would run screaming, but sometimes you have to know what you want and make a little effort.

Oh, yes. Very desperate for attention. I'm just trying to convey that it is unfair for people who disagree with something Meg writes to be attacked like this. Just because some people don't kiss her ass and tell her that she's wonderful all of the time, they're automatically being mean? That's like saying, "I want you to read what I write, but I don't want you to give your opinion on it unless you agree with me."

If that's the case, she should moderate her comments and only keep the ones that feed her ego.

Oh my. Some very passionate readers. You'd think they could re-direct that passion into something productive and meaningful. But, hey, why not debate letters on a blog of someone they view as desperate sounding. That seems logical and productive in the grand scheme of things.

Thought-provoking discussions is one thing, but saying someone sounds desperate isn't very thought provoking, is it? I'm just not sure how saying someone sounds desperate is not mean-spirited?

Actually, you took what I said out of context. I wasn't saying you were oppressing. I simply mean that by making character assumptions, women do to other women the very thing they claim they are against. You are certainly allowed to disagree with something, but if what you're saying does not positive, why waste your time? We have freedom of speech in this country and I'm definitely not saying not to use it, I just don't see why a disagreement can't be left at that. Why must it come down to character assumptions? The entire point of feminism was to liberate women from feeling as though they have to subscribe to certain ideals. However, to then come down on certain women just because they legitimately do want certain things is a direct contradiction of liberation. Just as you are entitled to your opinion, so is everyone else. My entire comment was not aimed toward anonymous, in fact, none of it was because I didn't read any of the comments above mine before posting. I was simply going off the post. Had you read my comment in full without attaching assumption to it (and I don't say this with an attitude), you would have seen that I obviously do believe women will disagree. No one said that you had no valid points, anonymous, but if you were willing to attach your name and hear others' points of views, yours would be more understood.

I simply read into the one comment, just the same way people read into my posts. Ego is fed by both negative and positive and I imagine it's something we all struggle with. I don't mind the negative comments but it iss my right to disagree with them. However I do feel like this is Turing into women against women, which was some of the original point. Respectfully let's please end this here.

i come here often, daily even, to read your words. i don't comment often because i doubt that my words could ever "touch" you. But this post has stirred so mmuch in me. i may even write my own post about it.

see, i'm at the other end... almost a year after my marriage ended i still don't "long" for a man. That has been making me feel like less of a woman at late. i feel like i should be actively out there looking and wishing for a man to sweep me off my feet. isn't that what a single woman does?

and theres another point. "it'll come when youre least expecting it" and all that.... doesnt hold much truth here! (thankfully - i think!)

could you imagine what a wonderful world this would be if everyone lived my toms words?

my thoughts on blog comments - good or bad - is a whole essay it's self, so i'll spare you that.

Such a beautiful piece. One of my favorite parts of your blog are the letters to the man you will one day marry. So many of us long to find the love that we've all been waiting for. The man that might be behind every door we haven't opened, or every street we're yet to walk down. Every person longs for that - myself included.

Thank you for continuing to be such an inspiration and for sharing such beautiful, beautiful words.

Meg, your letters are one of my favorite parts of your blog. Honestly. Because it's that raw emotion we sometimes feel when we're alone. It's the thing we think when we are by ourselves, and you simply put it into words on the Internet. I think you're a brave soul, and I think you're a beautiful soul. Keep on keepin' on, lady friend. xoxo

And you wonder why people won't publish their comments with their names attached? Because they're afraid of being attacked by everyone, just like this.

Good luck with your writing--I certainly hope you develop a thicker skin and learn how to take criticism someday. But don't worry, whenever you do receive negative feedback, you'll have all of these people to jump on the person and put her in her place.

God made us to be in relationship with each other, right? So who cares if you write to your future husband?? (I do this myself!) It's simply a sign that you're human and desire to have people in your life that you can share your heart with.I applaud you for writing this. I completely agree :)

Love this, Meg! Your letters are some of my favorite posts that you write. You inspired me to write my own letters on my blog. For me, it was as much about believing and hoping that I will one day find this personas anything. It's not desparate, it's an act of faith and hope and I think that it's awesome!

WOW.....i wonder if i'll be the last one here to comment . I have been reading you for a really long time meg, from the time you had 200 odd followers, the reason i book marked you was because i found you writing a lot like i do, from the heart , you know that thing....? spaces between words and the little things...that attracts me .

yes you are immensely talented .

sadly this post , your blog and the comments are not about your writing , but about you as a person , which of course reflects in your writings, how can i, sitting all the way here in india, know what kind of a person meg fee is, but i do....a little...becausewasn't it virginia woolfe who said once...that every passion, every story, every heartbreak, every emotion of a writer can be traced in his writings ?

WHEN I READ THE FIRST ANONYMOUS COMMENT----from the previous post, I LIKED IT . YES---that comment was polite, on the mark about your use of the phrase honest woman.

I FELT THE SAME ABOUT ASHELY PATRICK's comment. The woman was being HONEST and GIRL...YOU NEED TO LEARN TO TAKE HONEST CRITICISM .

MY first reaction at reading THIS PARTICULAR BLOG WAS----grow up for gods sake !!!!

ALL YOUR ARGUMENTS ARE FINE...accurate....especially the one about women regarding other women less of a woman or needy or desperate when we say we ENJOY having a man in our lives....

hell yes...i do ! I LOVE having a man around me....entwining fingers, fooling around...kissing...playing...sex...everything

and i love reading your letters and posts

AND YET

so many times...i cant help but think...

hello...there's more to life than this....and i find your writing monotonous and dreary and needy and cant help but think....what are you gonna do when you fall in love and find he doesnt do the crossword, he prefers tea and not coffee...he loves to wake up late not early, when you read and he will play max payne games.....

stop only surrounding with people who make you feel better about yourself....really....its the very thing that keeps pushing you into that depressive state....because when u dont get it...u slide...

Meg, I absolutely adore your blog! I truly love your letters to your husband, amongst the many other things you write about...

I've been following your blog almost daily (stalker?) for months now; I feel like I've gotten to know you, in some ways. So many blogs are super fluffy and happy-go-lucky....I admire how real and honest you are; I feel like I can relate to you in so many ways, and yet our personalities seem so different (from what I can interpret through the internet, that is)

Keep writing from your heart; don't feel like you ever need to hold your feelings back. You shine so bright, in all kinds of your blog posts :) xoxo

Wow a shit storm it sure has been. Meg i think the simple little word no one is saying is lack of Tact. This clearly hit a personal note with this cowardly person. I happen to enjoy your love letters. I read them and think of my own special moments i'd love to share with my partner one day too. Keep writing chica!

My thoughts have always tended to lean on the side of the first 'anonymous' comment on the phrase 'an honest woman,' and as such have tended to dislike the phrase a bit. However, the way you explained what that phrase means to you, I suddenly see a new light to the phrase and quite like it now.

Also, I don't think it is anyone's right to comment on what someone decides to publish on their blog - I feel that it is their own personal space for their thoughts. If you don't like it, why not move on? But, for the record, I really love your letters- to- the -future -husband.

I think it was Kate who said earlier that you are a "multi faceted human being" and I think that is so very true and really the only thing that matters. Good Lord who cares whether or not you have had desperate moments in your life? We all have been there. I have been reading your blog for awhile now because you exhibit many qualities we all share and your honesty towards your life experiences is something I, at least, learn from. I lived in NYC for a short time and I am in awe of your independence there. I completely relate to your desire to have a partner to share your experiences with. Desperate? Please. This is life and loneliness (and hopefulness) is only natural. At the same time I read your blog and hear how successful you are as an independent woman. Not because I have a clue what you do for a living (or how the hell you afford an apartment alone :) but because I see how you embrace your life and every emotion: sadness, happiness, loneliness... that comes with it. You are human, and so multi faceted that maybe, just maybe you have felt desperate for love and companionship. Maybe desperate is the wrong word (obviously for some), but to me it just describes the level of intensity you hope to feel for someone someday. Don't let that word get you down. I for one don't read your heartfelt words to a future someone as desperate. I see them as beautiful ways to describe the woman you are now and the woman you hope to someday be. I also don't necessarily read them as literal letters to an imaginary person. You are multi faceted, this blog is multi faceted, and you have found an intensely creative way to describe the world around you and your feelings about it. Just because you choose to allow your private thoughts into the world doesn't mean you are no longer allowed to be human and feel many different emotions. Get on your knees and beg for a man for all I care. I know you would do it beautifully. Your words are beautiful. I know you won't stop writing them because you aren't "desperate" for approval from others, but please please please never "get over yourself".

and p.s: nothing about your blog really solicits anyone else's attention. Your talent has obviously given you a following, but In today's world blogs are really just creative outlets that we all use to describe our daily lives. Much like journals and diaries from the past, commenting negatively on someones personal blog is pretty much the same as me picking up a 100 year old journal and being irritated that the woman didn't have the same outlook on life that I do. It's just a blog people. Shrug your shoulders and embrace the fact that we are all living our lives differently.

" okay, but you can't just take that bit of their life, you have to take it all. and you don't know what another's secret shame or great sadness is. you don't know another's addiction. you can't imagine another's loss. "

Can I use this in my blog sometime? Perfect words for me right now. xx

A little background before I comment: I was "desperate" after college, watching all of my friends have it together and get married, and I married a man I had no business even dating in the first place just because I felt that it was the time to get married. It followed the plan I'd laid out for myself years before. He didn't complete me; if anything those were the loneliest two years of my life. And when I left him, it was the best the decision I've ever made. I was incomplete as a married woman, and over the course of the years that followed our divorce, I've completed myself. I've rediscovered who I am, re-evaluated my choices and values and beliefs and everything else you could think of. I purposefully lived by myself so I would have the isolation I needed to confront myself. I was also an independent woman. But, Meg, I also felt that longing for someone to share it with. It isn't a desperation. You do not come off as desperate; you want someone to share your journey with, and I believe that's a natural feeling. I've read your blog for a while now, and you seem lately to be in a period of intense self-discovery. I also hope your someone is near, so they can share this time with you. Best wishes and please don't start editing your honesty to keep the negative comments away. I appreciate your beautiful writing so much. (p.s. My true love came along two years ago, and yes, it's all worth it in the end.)