So, I'm planning a trip to my hometown in July. Yes, that's about 6 months away. But, it's going to require some planning since I'll be taking vacation time, will need to buy plane tickets, and my parents will also be using their vacation time. That's why we're talking about this now.

I'm planning my trip for early July because my best friend (BFF) will likely be having a first bday party for her daughter around that time. I have not been to hometown since her daughter was born, so haven't met her yet. But I would really love to be there to help celebrate her first bday, which is usually a big deal in our circles/culture.

Anyway, I don't know exactly which weekend she is planning to have the party. Would it be rude or pushy of me to ask her if she has any idea when she is having the party? While I'm in town, we'll be busy with a bunch of other plans, which my family and I are already setting up now, so I can't just hope that it's going to work out. First, I need to make sure that I'm going to be there the right weekend, and second, I would need to NOT make any other plans for the day of her party.

Here are my options as I see them:

A) Don't ask her about her plans, and just make my own plans. Guess at which weekend she is going to have the party, and leave that day free, hopefully I guess right.B) Ask her if she's made any plans yet (which I highly doubt that she has, because it's 6 months away!).C) Tell her what weeks I'm going to be in town, and what I have planned already - hopefully since this is so early she can work around my plans, if she wants to. I definitely wouldn't tell her to do that, just notify her when I'll be in town and my plans, and she can make her own conclusions.

I realize this is super early, but my mom needs to give her tentative vacation plans by the end of January, and I also need to plan my time off, although I don't have to actually notify my work this early. I also want to buy plane tickets early-ish, since this will be around a holiday (4th of July), and I've noticed that prices can go skyhigh during holidays.

My vote is for c. Let her know when you'll be in town, but leave the rest up to her.

However, I firmly acknowledge that is my personal preference. I am not a planner and if given a) or b) would feel like I should plan the party around your plans. Also, if a friend was in town, I would love to see them (and would invite them to the party if I had one) but I would rather visit at other times and I don't see birthday parties as super-special events. I don't think I even had one for my daughter's first birthday. (There were presents and a couple related parties, but I know there was no cake for the first year because the picture has a candle stuck in a cookie)

I also didn't decide on the date of her most recent party (Her fourth) until 2 weeks out. Though I did post a thread where I decided that next year I'll have it a couple weeks early. It worked out perfectly this year, but that involved a lot of luck that her chosen friends were in town right before Christmas.

OK, that's getting a bit rambly, but I don't like to plan in advance unless I have to. My work/school and my husband's doesn't really allow it so rarely I have plans 6 months in advance but those are very immovable objects.

If it was my BFF, I would be comfortable just telling her that I'm planning a trip and I'd love to be there for the birthday if she could give me some idea what weekend it might be. I'd also tell her to plan on me bringing over cupcakes if I didn't make it for the party!

I would call her, tell her the dates you plan to be in town, let her know you are making plans with your parents but you'd like to attend the party if possible so you'd appreciate early notice once she decides the date. Then it's up to her if she wants more information about your plans.

C. You can tell her your plans and even say that if it turns out that the party occurs while you are there, you'd love to attend. But please do not ask her to plan your party around your visit.

The reason I say this is because I've had that experience. Multiple times. It almost never ends well. I have an annual party which is sort of a big deal among my friends and I've been asked to set the party on a particular date, or even to change the party to a different date after I announced the date which I normally do about six months in advance. Like I said, it's a pretty big deal. When I've acquiesced, either someone else who would have really liked to come couldn't because of the date change or the person for whom I did the rearranging ended up not able to come.

When someone has a party, some people will be able to make it, some won't. In my experience, it just doesn't pay to plan the date around anyone except those whose attendance is absolutely imperative. Don't put yourself in the position of asking for that.

Now, I realize, that you aren't asking for her to plan her date around your schedule, but for her to set the date now. But for me, this falls into the same realm. Setting the date so far in advance, then having to stick to it because she promised you, gives her no flexibility in the future when she finds out someone else who she really wanted to be there can't make it that particular day.

One more thing. She will be very busy at the birthday party so won't have time to give you much undivided attention nor will you get much time with the baby. So while it might be really nice to be there for the party, it might be just as well if you are there at a different time so you can get a more personalized visit. So don't get your heart too set on the party as your goal and don't be too disappointed if you don't get to attend. The actual visit with the friends is more important than if you make the party.

I will totally see her at some other times besides the birthday party, if we do end up being able to attend.

As I said, I wouldn't ask/tell her to plan her party around my schedule. I would just inform her about my plans. I would leave the "So if you'd like me to attend your daughter's first bday party, you'll have to have it on this particular day" part unsaid.

We did discuss this very briefly a little while ago. I asked if she was going to do anything for her daughter's first bday, and she said they would probably have a party. I said I had been thinking about planning my annual visit around that time, and it would be cool if I could attend.

How would you suggest I word it to her?

"Hey BFF! I'm planning to fly to hometown on 7/4. We don't have any specific plans for the weekend of the 6th, but on the weekend of the 13th, we're doing An Event, and during the week in between, we'll be taking some daytrips around the state."

That's what I'm thinking of saying (or IMing, since that is how we usually communicate). Should I add that I would really love to be able to attend her party if it works out, or is it better to not say anything at all? I'm sure she knows that I would love to go if I can. I'm not sure because if I do add that, then it seems kind of obvious that I'm saying "you can have your party on the weekend of the 6th if you want me to attend, otherwise I won't be able to". Even though I won't actually be saying that out loud, it seems ... rude?

I like your note to her. I wouldn't mention the party. Since there is really only one weekend option for you to attend based on the timeline you stated, it would seem to imply you are suggesting that specific weekend for the party.

"Hey BFF! I'm planning to fly to hometown on 7/4. We don't have any specific plans for the weekend of the 6th, but on the weekend of the 13th, we're doing An Event, and during the week in between, we'll be taking some daytrips around the state. I hope that we can figure out some time to spend together while i am there."

I would add the bolded and not mention anything about the party. It seems like you are the one who has brought up to her about attending the party, not she mentioning it to you, right? Six months out is early for planning a child's birthday party. She may need to wait until she knows more about what is going on in their personal life, with the grandparents, etc before deciding.

Let her know when you will be visiting and that you want to get together with her. If the party falls on a day when you are there and available and you are invited to attend, that is great. If it is on a day when you are busy, arrange for another time to get together with her and the baby. It sounds like you don't have many free days in your schedule anyway with daytrips planned and one weekend booked with an activity, so you can't expect her to work around your schedule.

So, to answer your question, go with option c and mention when you will be there, but do not mention the birthday party. I would not ask about the party, as that could be seem as being pushy in the "hey, i am going to be in town and can you plan the party for your child on a day that I am free?" way. The party is not about you and whether or not you can attend; it is about her child and what works for their family. If you can attend, great; if not, that is how it goes.

If it was my BFF, I would be comfortable just telling her that I'm planning a trip and I'd love to be there for the birthday if she could give me some idea what weekend it might be. I'd also tell her to plan on me bringing over cupcakes if I didn't make it for the party!

Ditto!

You don't need to pressure her, but she probably would like to hear that you would love to celebrate the b'day at the party. I know I would; it would make me feel good to know that my best friend wants to be so involved w/ my kid.

And I'd probably be wanting to plan it for when you're in town anyway, so it's info I'd want.

I was IMing with BFF, and I basically told her the dates I would be in town and what we already had planned for the second weekend. I didn't mention the party for her daughter. But she did! BFF asked if she could plan to have her party while I was in town. I told her I was definitely going to go to her party, but I also said she should have the party when it's best for her.

So it seems like it should all work out. Even if it doesn't, we'll planning to meet up at other times.