“Should I Date the Broke Former Coke Head?”

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When I was 15, my brother was friends with a guy named John who was very handsome but slightly conceited. He even hurt my feelings on a number of occasions. Eventually, he developed a crush on me, but I never went out with him. Now I’m 32 years old and I noticed him on a family member’s Facebook page, so I sent him a message.

At the age of 35, he is homeless, has no teeth due to cocaine use, but seems nice. He says he’s been clean over a month and wants to get his life together so I can be with him.

Only problem is, how could I be with a guy who wears dentures at the age of 35, especially if it was due to his own lack of concern for himself? I try very hard to be attractive, and do my utmost to maintain good personal hygiene, but I have a very hard time finding a man who will do the same. This coupled with the fact that he used to be somewhat of a mean, insensitive prick to me because I was a geek makes me feel like his soul is the same but he’s more desperate now. Otherwise, he’s a really nice guy.

I really can’t get over the fact he has no teeth at such a young age because I like to kiss, and I care a lot about the condition of my teeth. I know infection/bacteria of the mouth can be transmitted from person to person and I don’t want to have any teeth problems.

Right now I’m with a guy whom I find unattractive and has bad teeth as well. I don’t like his personality, but he is financially responsible and lives in a decent place.

Should I leave a very unhappy but stable situation to be with a nice, broke former coke head? — Contemplating the Coke Head

I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that you think the missing teeth is the biggest negative of this broke, homeless coke head who has a history of being an “insensitive prick” to you, or that you’re seriously weighing him against an option who sounds equally unattractive and has a “bad personality,” but who has the saving grace of a “decent place.” Honey, it’s time to aim higher.

My advice is to leave both of these guys alone, take a little time for yourself to figure out why you sell yourself so short, and maybe do some more research about the way bacteria is spread. (A person can have great teeth and still give you cooties when you kiss him.).

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter and ‘like’ me on Facebook.

OK I read the letter now, but I’m convinced that it’s fake. Are people really this desperate to be in a relationship that they will date people that they don’t like? This doesn’t make any sense. In the event that this is a real letter though, LW WTF? You claim to be with one guy you don’t like and are contemplating leaving him for a crackhead. What are you doing with your life? Break up with whoever you are currently seeing and take a break from dating. A LONG break. Perhaps get yourself into therapy to find out why you are drawing these undesirable people to you. It’s up to you to make a change.

I agree. Fakety-fake fake fake. Because while someone MIGHT consider dating someone in this situation, they wouldn’t write in about the teeth being the main concern. They just wouldn’t. Not while listing no other attributes other than he “seems like a nice guys” (other than the fact that she thinks he’s the same douchebag but desperate.

I bought the other letter, because it was what to DO about the no teeth in a wedding, while acknowledging that it was shallow/personal/whatever. I would even believe it if she was lamenting the fact she was frustrated that she couldn’t find a guy who took care of himself at the basic level like she did and she was sad/frustrated at the world/her lot in life. I get like that when I’m feeling especially self-pitying.

But No. That’s not what this is. Should I date the cokehead with no teeth that I still am harboring a grudge at even though I’m scared he may give me strange teeth diseases and he totally disgusts me because he may or may not be an “nice”-ish guy? I don’t buy it.

For real!! I would rather be alone than date either of these guys. Hell, I don’t know if I would even be friends with either of these guys. Is that bitchy? Probably.

BTW, a month clean and sober is nothing. They tell people in the program not to even date until they’ve been clean for at least a year. The pressures of relationships can be enough to cause someone to start using again.

Umm I guess I could be if you wanted me to, lol. But I was just agreeing with you and Firestar. Your belief that I was when I wasn’t trying to be flirty it is quite typical to my experiences offline though. Everytime I actively try to flirt with someone it doesn’t go well (either they can’t tell or I’m doing it wrong or something). It certianly didn’t work the other night when I tried to send a teasing/flirty message over my dating site the other night. But I get accused of it all the time when I’m not try to. It’s kind of annoying really. :-/

You do! You can join Addie and I on our daily chats. I mean when else is it acceptable to day drink by yourself other than when you’re unemployed? I mean technically I’ll be getting a pedicure with a friend, but that wouldn’t really stop me either way.

He is right. But to be fair, there are probably a lot of men out there with these same self-inflicted issues. I’m guessing men are less likely to write to advice columnists (based on the commentariat here, most readers of advice columns are women, so it follows that more women would write in with problems).

I didn´t know cocaine made you lose your teeth (I thought that was meth).

Seriously LW? I really don´t see this as a question of either/or. If youpre not happy with your current BF, and you know you´re not going to be happy with this other guy, why the hell would you decide to be with either of them??
I know that it can be tough finding someone worthwhile dating, but that doesn´t mean you have to settle for one of 2 undesirable choices.
Read Wendy´s last paragraph several times, until it sinks in (my 4 year old has a better grasp on bacteria transmission than you do).

Assuming the LW is a real person and the situation is real, I declare her desperate. There are times when we form “relationships” and attachments to avoid deep issues within ourselves. Dating can be a great escape from reality sometimes. I suspect that if we were to go to any random bar tonight in a decent area we could pick two better men at random by having LW spin around a baseball bat 5 times and pointing at two random men in her dizzied haze. I hope LW gets some healing, therapy, and self-esteem for that matter.

The first step to a better dating life is to better you! Work on you, learn more about who you are, your needs, communication, boundaries, and the elements of a healthy relationship. When you do meet a great guy you will be able to appreciate him more, and be a better partner after working on you. I keep being reminded that a lot of dating and relationship issues I have had stem from issues within me, not my partner.

I just re-read the “he’s been clean for over a month” and got really sad. I understand that for an addict, being clean for a month is probably a big deal, but it isn’t something to brag about or be impressed by, on the part of the LW.

It’s good that he has been clean for a month, kudos to him, but she doesn’t know if that’s the truth or not. This is not something she should get into, especially given her problems with her self esteem, which is obvious in this letter.

It’s actually a very bad warning sign that this (probably fictional) guy says that he wants to get clean for her. Not only is that a classic manipulation, but also helps to cast addicts who are new to the program but are very dedicated to it in a negative light.

I just….no. This can’t be real. If this is real, then the world is in even deeper shit than I realized, and I just don’t want to deal with that this morning.

I know I suggest therapy a lot, but I mean it more now than I’ve probably ever meant it before. If this is real, LW, then you REALLY need to get some counseling. This isn’t healthy. The horrifyingly low standards, the huge lack of self-respect, the seeming desperate for male attention. I don’t mean to offend, but it’s truly not normal to be so hard-up for ANY romantic connection that you’ll actually consider settling for a toothless, homeless, former cocaine addict who used to treat you like shit. Not normal AT ALL.

I suspect you may have had a difficult life at times. Maybe you had a hard time as a child or adolescent. Maybe no one served as a role model in your life. Maybe no one taught you what self-worth is, or showed you what a healthy relationship is. Well, you’re 32 now and whatever happened…you’re still suffering from it, and it’s taking a BIG toll on your life presently. But at 32, no matter who may have screwed you up in the past, you’re too old now to make anyone else take the responsibility. It’s all on you to set the bar for yourself, to find your self-worth, and to make discoveries about who you are and why. I highly suggest you start researching therapists, and stop Facebook messaging toothless addicts…that’ll be a big step in the right direction.

Actually there’s research done into homeless people’s access to the internet. Basically, they don’t have access to the internet like people with homes, but they still can access it. For example, at a public library. Free public internet access ftw!

(This message has been brought to you by library students everywhere.)

Yeah not every homeless person is the stereotypical bum on the corner. There are many homeless people who have some amount of income or government assistance where they might be able to afford $100 a month on a cell phone but not $500 a month rent. And maybe you wouldn’t spend that $100 on a fancy cell phone to save money until you could afford a home, but not everyone is smart with their money or has the same priorities.

My homeless clients who have phones had them before they lost their homes. It’s not like they’re sleeping under the bridge and then marching over to Verizon and signing a cell phone contract. It’s a good thing for the homeless to have phones, because they then have much wider access to social services to help them, and those services aren’t always within walking distance. It’s always been MUCH harder on my clients who don’t have cell phones, because they can’t easily make calls that would help them get housing and employment.

I have an old, old e-friend as a facebook friend. He’s been homeless for years and somehow facebooks regularly. He once tried to talk me into joining him like some Kerouac ripoff. I guess he”chooses” to live like that or something?

Isn’t tooth loss more of a “meth” thing? (Sorry, that was my first thought.)

My second thought is… W T F. LW, maybe you need to move? I don’t understand why it’s “very hard” to find a man who takes care of basic hygiene & health needs. Seriously, there are more people out there than the two toothless dudes currently in your life.

Also, don’t get together with someone who says “this is what my life is, but I want to change for YOU because you can be good for me to get my life back on track”. It doesn’t work that way. I’ve been there, done that with someone who was a prescription drug user that said “I want a better life, you can be a good influence and help me”. Trust me, that does not happen.

Yes, this! Fakeness of the letter aside (it is! completely!), that whole “be a good influence on me” thing is bullshit. I understand changing a destructive lifestyle means cutting out the toxic relationships and surrounding yourself with healthy, supportive people, but putting all that pressure to improve you on your SO is unfair, unhealthy, and doomed to failure.

This letter is so awful, I can’t even believe it. LW, what would you say if your best friend asked you these questions? Wouldn’t you wonder why she’s considering these to be the only available options? Sure, these may be doors “A” and “B”, but there’s always door “C” : be single for a while, figure out why you’re so down on yourself that you consider these to be your only options. I mean, really, I’d much rather be single than put up with either of those losers. Plus, being single lets the better choices know that you’re available.

How would you feel if your “soulmate” passed you over because he saw you with guys like this? Because not only will he see you as “taken,” he’ll also think that you — who know yourself best — think you’re only worthy of this type of companion…

I´m thinking maybe BGM wrote a letter like he was threatening to the other day (granted, he said it would be an update to another letter, but maybe he thought that would be too obvious?) But, I do know people that would be all too capable of asking something like this, so you never know…

My first thought was for the love of god this has GOT to be a troll. It just can’t be real. Then I thought of an aquaintence I knew who used to basically be a truck stop hooker. So maybe being with an unattractive guy, inside and out, but has stability, a “decent place” and is willing to take care of her could be preferable, but still miserable? So then a “nice” guy shows interest so that’s now intriguing?
I’m not really even sure what my point is. I still can’t get past the face that the missing teeth are the only thing that’s making her think twice, for fuckssake.

Okay, could be a fake. If not a fake, here’s the deal.
First, dump your current partner.
Second, help out Mr Coke if you want to, but make it clear that there’s no relationship involved, now or never. he’s clinging to you like a drowning man climbing out of the sea. So help him out. It’s okay to be nice to him and help out an old friend without handing over your entire future and selling yourself into poverty. To reiterate, never have sex with him. Not even once, for old time’s sake. And at some point, he will ask.

I kept thinking this can’t be real, except I have been in a similar situation (drug addict, technically homeless, etc), and I know my mind was warped about it at the time. But in my defense, I was a lot younger so it makes sense I didn’t know better. But at 32, you really, really should know better. And since you don’t, that’s just sad. And having dated a few addicts before, if someone says they’ve been clean for a month, I don’t buy it. If this is real, then go to therapy and work on yourself for a long, long time.

I’m so bummed. When I first saw that hobo picture, I thought this was going to be an update from the LW with the toothless groom. …. I want to hear from her! Though, I think she was not very appreciative of everyone’s advice.

You know what? I even considered *you* as the LW because I looked back and realized you hadn’t commented on that thread. And about that time you had just revealed that you had a SO, but I hadn’t known that, so I thought to myself, “if lbh didn’t admit to having a SO until now, maybe she’s actually engaged to him, but, you know, just didn’t admit that yet, and *this* LW is lbh!” But knowing you like i do know (intimately and deeply, of course), there’s no way it could be. But do you like my thorough detective work?

You have peaked my interest, AP! Now I want to go ferreting through old posts detective style. But I have a deadline today… if I miss it I’m gonna blame you! Ok. I won’t really. I just want an excuse to NOT have to write test prep questions for ninth grade social studies exams because it’s boring me to death.

I’m actually wearing a straw hat right now. For real. I had been Skyping with a friend this am and she saw it on a shelf so I put it on… and i haven’t taken it off. I’m wearing a straw hat, a tee shirt, and underwear. Sitting on the couch, drinking coffee. With freaking Hoda and Kathy Lee on in the background. This has basically been my life for the last 2 months.

Don’t be afraid of Charlotte. It’s not really the south in my opinion. Due to the high number of transplants it’s actually a really liberal place. Charlotte is one of the cities which the majority voted against Amendment One. There is also an awesome downtown with lots of great bars/restaurants and tons to do.

The only thing I would maybe be afraid of is the rural towns surrounding Charlotte. But seriously my fiance and I love Charlotte and plan on moving there once he’s done school. FWIW he spent a week in Chicago this summer and loved it and also loves Charlotte.

Only offering my opinion cause you didn’t seem to direct the question at any certain person………I say GO FOR IT! Broaden your horizons. See what people in other places are really like. You just might be surprised. And if you don’t like it there, well, I’m sure you’ll at least learn a few new things, and maybe make a few new friends – maybe even become friends with someone you never thought you would like to be friends with…..and not everyone wears cowboy boots, straw hats, and chews on hay. You can always go back to Chicago if you hate it too much.

Virginia is definitely the south, I won’t argue. But Northern Virginia is basically a suburb of DC…where there are no southern accents, AP! I swear we all have non-regional-sounding accents here…but maybe I’m too used to hearing it…

GCC! We totally do since we missed each other on the last ones. In case we didn’t give a recap I showed up in work clothes that no longer fit because I got fat during bar prep. Then I drank two margaritas at lunch, which seemed kind of weird. And finally, I got to meet Katie and Rachel who are just lovely.

Oh man I forgot about that. That place is genius! And they make their margaritas homemade so none of that nasty mix. Are you missing Colorado yet? Are you planning on any trips back? Maybe we could plan a meet-up for that date!

missing it… yes and no. i used to live here in chicago, so im enjoying being here a lot right now. and really just adjusting to everything still. jake just got here like 2 weeks ago, so it was like moving in again with all his crap. my house is STILL not clean like i want it. yikes..

no trips planned as of yet. my mom is actually coming out here for the fourth of july… and then later in the fall me and jake have plans to go see his family… so nothing concrete. but, when i do make some plans i will let you all know and we can try to all get together! that would be awesome.

If you move to Charlotte you will only be 3 hours away from me and my beaches and my adorable dogs. I think you should take it. Charlotte is a great town. I’ve only heard really great things from people who live there. And believe it or not there are some awesome awesome wineries in NC that I’m sure having some awesome red wine 😉

Maybe I’m sensitive about it, but I take issue with “marrying-your-cousin South.” That’s kind of offensive, Colors. That’s not what the South is like at all, despite how much other people might joke about it.

i was actually so happy when my boyfriends new SIL shared that picture that got around facebook after that north carolina amendment crap- the someEcard “north carolina, where you can marry your cousin, just not your gay cousin”. i was like, thank GOD shes not a crazy southerner!!! she grew up there. so thankfully its not everybody. but your very right, unfortunatly…

When it comes to accepting, remember why you left your old job and whether this will fulfill the needs in your life. Starting again can be wonderful or it can be isolating. If the point of quitting the old job was just to stop doing heinous hours, that’s one thing. But if you quit to allow yourself to have a fulfilling life — time with friends, time to do yoga, time to experience chicago, time to meet someone and raise a family — all of those things, mentally picture yourself doing them in chicago and in charlotte (after you visit). Are they equal in your mind? do you really secretly want to do one and not the other but you feel like you’re trapped or pressured because of money? Are you too scared that you won’t get another offer?

Don’t just take the job because it’s a job. you had a job and you left it to be happy. Really consider your potential for happiness and to achieve the goals that you left your other job for. Don’t let fear control — fear of not finding another job or fear of moving. Your gut will tell you which is right for you.

(I speak as someone who still has the job you had. And I took two bars too, and separately 🙂 )

Let’s treat it as serious, folks, not a fake. It’s not obviously fake, other than the fact that the two men in the story are remarkable for the fact that they are such poor candidates as boyfriends.

My take is that the LW is seeking something in Mr Coke Head that she’s not getting with her current partner. He reminds her of times gone by when she was younger, single and attractive; things that might have been. Plus, he’s a really nice guy. And he needs rescuing. Just like the LW!!! So he is pressing a lot of emotional buttons for her, deep down.

The core problem clearly is her unhappiness with her current relationship that’s driving all this.

Speaking of “boyfriend,” doesn’t the new Justin Bieber song, “If I was your boyfriend…” bug the shit out of everyone? If I “were,” not “was,” Justin, if I “were” your boyfriend! Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to listen to it a lot and be really ashamed about that.

Do you even like him, non-withstanding of all the MAJOR red flags? Or the guy you’re with now. It sure doesn’t sound like it. Just because someone likes you, and is “nice”, doesn’t mean you’re obligated to give it a go.

LW, run, don’t walk, to the toothless, homeless man. Since he has no teeth there is a better chance that his breath won’t be as bad as your current beau. Sure he was mean to you, but that’s because he totally had a huge crush on you and when boys like girls, they’re mean to them. I think you’re soulmates who are destined to be together.

You should consider asking your current beau if the THM (Toothless Homeless Man) can move in with you two. He is homeless after all. I’m sure BBM (Bad Breathed Man) and THM would get along swimmingly since they have so much in common. This way you can have your cake and eat it too. It’s a scathingly brilliant idea.

I’m not sure if I buy this letter (I mean c’mon!), but there are a lot of lonely people out there who don’t realize they sound bonkers when they write stuff like this. I actually thought the tone of this letter sounded very similar to a friend of mine who is OBSESSED with dental hygiene. She also has a (mild, and manageable through medication) mental illness that causes her to miss the fine points in situations… like that a toothless, maybe-former drug addict shouldn’t be considered an eligible romantic partner. I’m just sayin’- it could be a real letter. Maybe.

One time i was riding the bus and there was this really hot guy that was cracked out of his mind. I almost wanted to make out with, he was greek god hot, but i didn’t cause he was high and no matter how long its been with having a bf my standards will never go low enough to date someone who actively does drugs.

No! It’s this exact kind of behavior that rewards those kinds of guys. You want men as a whole to start treating women better then stop sleeping/making out with guys just because they’re hott. Same way guys need to stop sleeping with bitches/drama queens just because they’re hott.

I was really joking about the making out part. The guy was beyond gorgeous, I should also add very clean cut, but it was really sad to see someone talking to themselves on the bus with fresh track marks.

After reading this and the last post, I’m glad I have been out of the dating world for three+ years (honestly lost count at this point). Pre-pre-nups and toothless hobos are our options!! I’ll just stay home with my Law & Order and my cat.

I get the feeling that this letter is fake too, but sadly it may not be. I know someone who is that desperate for male attention that she has dated some major losers. Mostly raging alcoholics, including one who constantly badgered her to get on the back of his motorcycle when he was wasted. He ended up dying in a motorcycle accident, surprise surprise. Her most recent ex was unemployed and spent all day, every day drinking beer…roughly a 24-pack a day. So yeah, it could happen.

All of the other…strangeness…of this letter aside, I’ll address ONE issue:

My grandmother has had dentures since the age of 30. A combination of infections when her adult teeth were coming in and growing up during the depression (lack of dental care), led her to have them all removed. She had been married to my Poppa for more than 50 years (he passed away last June) and he never got any “bacteria” from her wearing dentures. He died with all of his own teeth.

You can get bacterial, fungal and viral infections from any mouth, with or sans real teeth. Thrush, herpes, etc.

Good points! And some people just have horrible teeth naturally. My grandmother had some strange tooth condition where they just crumbled away when she was a young teenager. And I have some weird tooth problems too that I’m constantly fighting off and having surgery over, despite my impeccable oral hygiene. I’m sure I’ll end up with dentures at a young age. Oh, and neither one of us do drugs.

Wow, what? I mean… what? I’ve worked with some homeless people and they’re wonderful, caring, people… but that’s not EVER what I would consider in a relationship. Higher standards. Especially since there’s a weird obsession with teeth that’s blocking that insight.

If that’s not enough, please recognize that he’s not actually adhering to any addiction program I’m familiar with. No misplacing a void or the flood of emotions with a new relationship for at least a year of sobriety.

Enough on that one, 2nd dude now, YOU DON’T EVEN LIKE HIM. If that’s not enough, I’m done.

And I also hope this is ridiculously fake along with most everyone else.

I have a “thing” about teeth. I’m really turned off by crooked or mis-colored teeth. It’s important to me that my fiance and myself have clean, straight, white-ish teeth. So I don’t think she is totally nuts to bring it up. But I could be a little nuts so.

If ever a letter cried out for a fresh start in life, this is one. With so many people crying “fake” I hope the LW gets a sense that her world (and maybe worldview) is incredibly skewed toward unhealthy. This might just be Reality knocking on the door. Let it in, embrace it, let it introduce you to its friends: self-help books, counseling, and self-reliance. No matter where you are, that’s a starting point for what’s to come.

And I agree, get away from both those guys. One month without drugs is not sober. Dental hygiene is not magic. The past is gone and done, let it go and look forward.

I suppose it’s entirely possible the LW herself is a pretty big mess too. There are female drug addicts/general fuckups and they have to date someone. These sound pretty horrible but she’s probably at the same level as them.