Juicing up the Eighth Army of guard types, anti-terrorist types, NYPD types, FDNY types, doghandler types, and McCartneyniks were 550 handpicked security officers with blue shirts, khaki pants, earphones, walkie-talkies. And their boss? Nifty Lena Watson. No Twinky, she told me: “I personally check each one’s schooling, background, and ID. Compared to when I was a Rikers security officer, this is a piece of cake.”

Forget height, try Nicole Kidman‘s weight. Skinny as rhubarb in Elie Saab‘s tight-tight red sheath. “I’m here because Wendi’s one of my closest friends. I’m her daughter Grace‘s godmother. I’m eager to see the film. I’m part of the Murdochs’ Australian connection.”

More Australian. Hugh Jackman‘s in the movie. He did not make the opening. His missus Deborra-Lee Furness made the opening. She is not in the movie. She also wore a man’s fedora.

Diane von Furstenberg: “I attend due to the subject. Last week a Holocaust film because I’m Jewish. My mother was four months in Auschwitz and weighed 49 pounds when she arrived here. Tonight I relate to the universal love story characters. And I love China. I work hard. I go to China a lot.”

Wendi Murdoch in Ivanka Trump earrings and bracelets: “I produced this because friends loved the book. It’s about female friendship, 19th-century China, and two 7-year-old girls, Snow Flower and Lily, bound together for eternity, and then it goes to modern-day Shanghai. We shot 2½ months, and the country’s experiencing 65 percent growth in their movie-making industry. I want to bring Chinese movies here. To make this in America would cost five times as much.”

Ordering New Yorkers to go saltless, our mayor inhaled popcorn like it was veal. His supply finished, he headed to Mrs. Henry Kravis with: “Let’s meet a really beautiful woman.” While I considered this semi-insulting to me, Hizzoner began eating Marie-Josée Kravis‘ popcorn. Over came Kathleen Turner. Introducing himself, he told me: “I always do that. Makes people say their names.” Hizzoner finished Mrs. Kravis’ popcorn, said: “There’s less salt in this than in a muffin,” then left “to pay a shiva call.”

Trust me, things like this are Only in New York, kids, only in New York.