Wanted, not needed, to go

Greetings dear readers,
First I want to say thank you to all of you who commented and read my last post (Therapy isn’t enough Redux) and all the support you offered. There was a lot of very wise insight offered, along with a lot of love and compassion, that helped me get through a very difficult passage. It was through reading all of your comments that I was able to go through the process of understanding my feelings and what was going on and through your support that I found the strength.

I had actually talked on the phone with a good friend of mine who had gently asked how I was feeling about my previous session? She has known me a long time and witnessed my many creative attempts to flee from BN, right after I had allowed myself to move closer and the intimacy to grow deeper. She pointed out that I had felt very close to BN and deeply cared for and in that past, that usually scared me. Evidently that dynamic is still alive and kickin’ and predictable. 🙂

The more I thought about it, the more it hit me just how intense the session before had been. One of the things that BN had commented on was that I was staying more present and moving through my feelings better. That he had seen me controlling my breathing and successfully fighting off dissociating to stay with the feelings coming up. Guess what else happens when I am more present? I can take in more of what is going on with BN. I continue to be amazed by the intense ambivalence I feel when I can see and feel how much he cares. Once, years ago, during a couples’ session, when BN was particularly moved by something my husband said, he very casually said, “I started to tear up, of course, AG could tell you how easily I cry.” I sat there stunned, thinking “wtf!? when?!? you cry?!? how would I know? how did I miss this? what else have I been missing?!?” I had told BN about it later in an individual session, but we didn’t go too deeply into it (I suspect because he knew I’d run out of the door screaming, not in a good way, and never come back. 😉 ) There was a particular event we were discussing in the last session, and I heard a real depth of pain in BN’s voice because he so immediately recognized the ramifications and resonances of the pain, on several different levels, that I experienced. I also palpably sensed his compassion and sorrow about the pain I was in. And then, when he was noting the growth in me, he truly was so excited and proud about my progress, which at the time, was really affirming and heartwarming. I was present enough for once, that my experience was undeniable (I can usually convince myself later that I made these things up because I wasn’t really present enough to experience them fully. Whoops, not this time.)

So my experience of the session was very affirming and left me in a much calmer space. But because I had experienced such a deep sense of connection and safety, it was also difficult to leave. And unconsciously, I think seeing BN’s feelings and care in such proximity triggered off an unconscious terror. And I think what followed was very deliberately, but unconsciously, done. Using my difficulty in leaving as an excuse, I reached out to BN by email, despite knowing calling was a much more reliable way to get a timely answer, because I wanted to create a failure on his part, some kind of disruption, and email was my best shot. And having him fail me would provide the excuse my oh so logical frontal lobe needed to do what my limbic system was already screaming at me “get out, get the hell out, this is dangerous.” I think Greeneyes pretty much nailed it in her comment, which I had already clued into due to my friend’s gentle prodding. GE’s comment provided the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. 🙂

So I went to see BN last Friday. Totally relaxed and very much looking forward to discussing this. HA! I was a nervous wreck. While sitting in his waiting room, I, of course, heard the client before me laughing, a really lovely laugh, the kind of laugh that makes you want to both befriend the person and know what they are laughing about. And the cadence and tone of BN’s reply (I cannot hear actual words and usually wouldn’t be able to hear what I did but no one had turned on the radio which is usually playing in the tiny waiting area) was familiar to me from our more intimate moments. Not a good week to hear how his relationships with other clients could also be intimate. I was very prepared to hate this woman, but when the door opened, it was obvious she had been seriously crying and been through a brutal session. And then our eyes met, and despite her obvious distress, she smiled at me. I felt terrible. How could I begrudge her BN’s care, which she obviously needed in the same way that I do. I really dislike feeling jealous of other clients, especially as I realize it’s because it is such a stark reminder of my place in BN’s life. Have I ever mentioned I don’t believe in coincidences?

I went in to the usual broad smile and warm welcome from BN. When I sat down, I told him I was very activated and scared and need a minute to calm down. Then I asked him if we had left it that he was not going to reply to my email when we spoke on the phone on Monday? BN was kind of unsure but said that he remembered me telling him that I felt better knowing that he had not seen the email. So I told him that my impression had been that he was still going to answer the email but had not been sure if I had told him not to answer because I was so upset on the phone. But that it had been a long hard week being upset about it and all the stuff that had gotten kicked up. I went on to explain all the stuff I said above about realizing how intense the last session had been, about my being more present and how I thought I unconsciously sabotaged the relationship to give me an excuse to move away.

I talked about my reaction when I got off the phone. The frustration of knowing I spent the weekend in agony, while he had put me up on a shelf for the weekend (btw, he told me later at the end of the appointment when I asked about a picture of his newest grandson, that they had been away to attend his grandson’s christening.) The anger and wanting to hurt him back, but realizing I had so little leverage. But I also knew that he needed to be able to put me up on a shelf. That his not needing me and having some detachment were necessary to doing the work. BN characterized it a little differently 🙂 as it being true that I wouldn’t always be at the forefront of his mind, but that it did not make the relationship disappear. But he didn’t want to dodge that it was true that I was not as important to him as he was to me. That the only time things got as intense on the therapist’s end was if something from their past was being triggered… and I chimed in and said and if they don’t manage their countertransference you have a real mess on your hands. And he told me, exactly, you have the understanding and vocabulary to describe that. He also told me that a lot clients won’t go there and that he appreciated my understanding the need for the boundaries and for the detachment.

We went back to discussing the yearning and I talked about how if I needed or wanted something from another person, then I was handing them the power in the relationship and they would use that power to hurt me. BN totally understood why I would believe that because that is what I experienced. I had one of those sudden cascades of connections. It hit me that I get so angry at BN because I am ashamed of needing him, but that my anger over my powerlessness with BN was really about how angry I was at my dad because I needed him and he used it to hurt me. And I was powerless to stop him from abusing me, to express my rage and to stop being drawn back by my needs. (BN actually seemed a little impressed over me making that connection. Or it was relief over me connecting the anger to my dad instead of him. 😉 ) BN talked about being able to experience a relationship in which my needs were not exploited to meet his needs, but were only attended to. That one of the things I was learning with him is that having a need was not in any way an invitation to be abused. And in a perfect loop back around, which was why it was so important he had clear boundaries that protected me, to prevent a re-enactment of him using me to meet his own needs.

I talked about how when I experienced his care and could sense his pain for me, that it was difficult because it provided me a glimpse of what I should have had. That I could sometimes hate him because he showed me exactly what I had lost. And that the yearning and longing for the impossible, to have had someone like him as my father, someone who would have protected me, was really painful in its own right. He very gently asked me what those feelings reminded me of? I told him it felt like going towards my father to get my needs met, only to be hurt again. BN told me that he totally understood the yearning for more than our relationship contained, because I was yearning for what I should have had, and there was nothing wrong with that. But that the pain that yearning evoked would send me back into the shame I used to feel about moving closer only to get hurt. He told me again, for about the 7000th time, that this was such a hellish part of the healing. That even feeling his care and my increasing safety would also increase my fear and sense of danger. Which was why it was so important that I come to him and discuss these feelings because it was the only way to break the sense of shame. That there was no need to feel ashamed of wanting to be closer to him, or enjoying feeling cared for and that talking about the feelings and having him welcome them and accept them is what would teach me that it was no longer dangerous to grow closer and that I, and my feelings, far from being shameful, matter. He talked again about how since we have started talking about my body and losing weight, and being noticed if I am losing weight and my sexuality, that shame had been a constant theme. That being seen, the way I had felt the session before, was going to trigger those feelings of shame. So it was important that we keep discussing these feelings. (are you getting a theme here? 🙂 )

We ended up discussing the problem which must not be spoken of for a bit, with me bringing him up to date on some happenings. As we drew near the end of the session, I realized that despite all we had said, I was still feeling apprehensive. So I told BN that I wasn’t sure that there was anything that he could do about it, but I needed to tell him that while I understood everything we had discussed about boundaries, that underneath I was feeling little and afraid that everything he said really meant he didn’t care and I wasn’t safe, that I still had to deal with how painful the yearning could be. BN was very gentle and told me he was really glad that I was willing to acknowledge that those feelings were still there and that he did not want me to hesitate to call him if I needed to connect or needed reassurance. His patience with these feelings and his ability to not take them personally (because really, let’s face it, on one level, he would have every right to rear back and be mortally offended that after all we’ve been through and how he has been available to me, how could I still question the relationship? From the standpoint of a “normal” relationship, he has more than proven himself) is incredibly healing. To have my longings, and fears, and anger and joys accepted and understood, no fuss, no muss, really does signal so strongly to me, that what I have always believed was impossible, is beyond all hope, true: All of me makes sense, is human and is acceptable. So its ok to acknowledge that all my parts and feelings are part of me and none need to be denied to make me “ok.”

So I am here to admit, a bit sheepishly I might add, that it was not time for me to leave, I was just fishing around for an excuse to. Thank you all for telling me I needed to go talk about this.

Quick status note: Things are becoming taxing again with the problem which must not be spoken of, and I am feeling a bit drained (I already had the bulk of this entry written, so I wanted to get it posted). I am dealing with a difficult flashback which also caused the shame floodgates to open, so there’s not a lot of energy to spare right now. I am seeing BN tomorrow, which hopefully will get me back on track, but I am open to possibly needing to take another break. But in either case, I am guessing my presence may be a bit curtailed for the next few days. I appreciate everyone’s understanding and patience.

So thinking of you. Thank you for being so open as it helps me with my pain also. You are soooo lucky to have BN – such a wonderful person. Stay with him – he’s “one in a million” for a million and one reasons. Take care. So many of us would like to help take your pain away I’m sure.

Judy,
I do want you to know that I am deeply cognizant of just how blessed I am to have BN as my therapist. I truly believe I was led to him by God so that I could heal. I have actually joked with him that he’ll be in a nursing home on an IV and I’ll be showing up asking him to do one more session. 🙂 I am glad to know that reading here is helping with your pain, and I do know that anyone of you would take the pain away if it were possible. But the pain has a purpose, as walking through is what refines us. It won’t actually kill you, even if sometimes we wish it would. 🙂

You are so eloquent, so open, so insightful. I’m so glad that you are getting all these breakthroughs. Which is not to say that the work is done– as you well know…. Just keep being who you are. Your accomplishments in your therapy are so very inspiring, and I always can relate to pretty much every single thing you ever write about. Thank you for sharing so freely and humbly the beauty of your unfolding. Big hugs and love going your way. I also send you lots of mental and emotional support as you go through this current difficult time.

Sunflower,
Thank you so much for the gift of how you see me, and I am glad that you are able to relate. It’s amazing how much knowing we are not alone can help us! Which is why I so appreciate all of you, it lets me know I am not alone. And I truly appreciate the support.

XXX,
BN often talks about the bind in healing, that even when we do what we’re supposed to and get what we need, it can still evoke grief and pain. But the love that I can take it (which I get slowly better at all the time) is what gives me the strength to face the feelings. I will never hear BN say “I love you” but I have no doubt that he does and that the love between us is so crucial to my healing. It is a love sourced in God that flows through BN. He is an excellent conduit. 🙂

JA, Take all the time you need!!! I can understand the need to back away from intense, negative emotions. Shame- I am just beginning to approach this issue after 2 and 1/2 years. I am just beginning to trust, but am fearful of what I will find. I have started being “flooded”, which my T explained as being slammed with a bunch of emotions when caught off guard. Sometimes I feel my defenses are being stripped away and that leaves me scared and vulnerable. I am taking baby steps, but I still get emotionally overwhelmed. I am sure your BN is often impressed with the connections you make in therapy. I don’t think many people have the persistence and insight that you have to work as hard as you do. Although BN probably does get sad about your pain, he probably gets a lot of satisfaction by working with someone with your psychological insight and willingness to work through the pain. I bet he doesn’t have many clients who are resilient enough to last this long. Just ask him. Most clients who stick around this long are just leaning on their T’s to get through the week and aren’t willing to put in the work. Keep you eye on your healing. Your readers will always be here. I don’t know your spiritual belief, but for me, anyone short of God will disappoint others. I know your BN is not perfect, but it is amazing how two imperfect people can join together to create some amazing healing. And from that relationship, you have reached out to others to encourage their healing! We all win !!!! Keep being gentle with yourself and know we love you.xoxo Ann

Thank you Ann, you are always so understanding and such an encouragement. Shame work is really, really difficult, some of the most difficult work I’ve ever done and I am completely impresses that you are getting to it so soon (seriously, its taken me decades!) And I think you are spot on, your defenses are being stripped away and it can leave us very exposed until we can put healthier coping mechanisms in place, But with shame it’s ever worse, because the only way through shame is to BE vulnerable and show your feelings of shame, and hoping not to be shamed by the other person’s response. Which is EXACTLY what shame is telling you not to do, It’s hard!’

And I agree that no human being is perfect and everyone, no matter how much they love you, will fail you at times. BN has taught me so much about being able to face and repair those moments, that a failure on the part of myself or the other person does not automatically mean the relationship is bad or unsafe We all stand in need of grace,.

I saw BN yesterday in the middle of a Category 5 shame storm and he was note-perfect, I am literally feeling a bit stunned in the face of what he provided me yesterday, I spent the first 10-15 minutes of the session literally just crying, I couldn;t talk and BN was very gentle and soothing and accepting and worked very hard to let me know I was in a safe place. It’s novel, but very welcome (OK kind of, it still scares the geebers out of me on one level 🙂 ) having it be ok to feel and express my feelings and still be treated like I am ok when I feel anything but, So, so grateful for the man. I am tired, but much more at peace today,

I promise I am being gentle with myself, and thank you for loving me. l feel so grateful for you all (and your too high opinion of me, I blush!), love, AG

Thanks God’s Grace, things went really well with BN. Tough session but he was really helpful, I am always a bit amazed because it feels so impossible to get through that level of shame but then he manages to do it,

I am only half way through this post yet but can’t hold a thing in my head for long enough so I will say it now. I do that thing you think you did: set up a situation that he will fail at. My T decided she wouldn’t respond to my emails anymore so now i just send one sporadically when things are going ok and my feelings for her are strong. There is a need to remind myself of the painful reality of our relationship..

Hi Candy,
I don’t think it’s all that uncommon for a client to test their therapist, I believe we unconsciously enter into re-enactments to try to act out our difficulties in relationship (I have done it a number of times), Our therapist’s job is to be present enough in our world to understand how we feel but retain enough detachment (the painful reality) to understand if something is a re-enactment and respond in such way that we do not simply repeat our patterns. We are in therapy to bring our unconscious beliefs and feelings into consciousness so I think testing our T’s is just part of the work of therapy,

I am sorry your therapist has changed the boundaries around email. It can be incredibly difficult to deal with having something taken away; much harder than just being told no from the get go. Are you able to discuss with her how this change feels for you (not with a view towards changing her mind, but I do think you should be able to process your feelings around this change.)

A bit off topic and may be something you might answer some time if you don’t feel like it now, but I’m interested to know what actually happens to you when you dissociate. It happens to me during my sessions but I just wonder if what happens to each person is different or similar

Dissociation for me is mainly about just not being there. My brain stalls, not in a “I want to say something but am scared to” but just… white noise. I have a difficult time taking in outside stimulus, so I can seem really ditzy to the people around me (used to drive my husband crazy until he understood and learned to recognize it). In this particular case, I had a flash of affect (intense feelings but no context in terms of a specific memory or location) and then was left in a really terrified, activated state where I feel really overwhelmed by my feelings and cannot calm back down. I usually stop breathing. (BN often reminds me to breathe), It doesn’t happen very often these days, this last one was a classic PTSD episode, I was triggered and ‘gone” from the room before I consciously realized anything had happened.

In my experience dissociation can vary a lot from person to person and seems to be about both the person’s personality and the strategy they “developed” to deal with trauma. Mine was about drawing inward to the gray place, no feelings, no sensory input, just going as blank as possible. Hope that helps.

Ann :
I know your BN is not perfect, but it is amazing how two imperfect people can join together to create some amazing healing. And from that relationship, you have reached out to others to encourage their healing! We all win !!!! Keep being gentle with yourself and know we love you.xoxo Ann

Ann you hit the bulls eye once again! Isn’t a shame those two people cannot be all couples?
The longer I hang out on earth, I have come to see success in relationships as two people who are aware of their issues and are working like heck to resolve them for the ‘benefit’ of their partner.
AG, my heart goes out to you as you seem to experience more pain than anyone ought to. And that can be said of anyone suffering from complicated PTSD. It must be an exhausting existence. But you are to be commended for your tenacity, grace and insight. And being gracious enough to share your experiences. Methinks BN would concur that he has rightly learned as much from you,as you he about life. Very quid pro quo!

I think sometimes having to untangle and re-route the electrical circuits in our brains is indeed a full-time job. The part I find the most taxing is trying to appear ‘normal’ on a day-to-day-basis! Know what I mean? You have to Keep Calm and Carry On and schedule your emotional farts ( don’t mean to be disrespectful here..) when you can.Well, at least pencil one in.

Thank-you for providing a sort of blue-print as to what to expect and do sitting across from the person in the far more comfortable chair than yours! I admire you so much! JelloC

Jello,
Thanks so much! I loved the term “emotional farts” rather colorfully descriptive in my opinion. LOL I also like your definition of success in relationships. The truth is that we are all human and will all fail others at times, so the trick is learning to work through and repair those failures. BN has taught me that my safety lies in the knowledge that I can tolerate how I feel when I fail those I love and when they fail me, and that it can be repaired. Everything will be ok in the end. It has a good effect on all of my relationships, but most especially my marriage.

And you’re not wrong about the chair, BN has what looks like a quite comfortable recliner. 🙂 xx AG

AG, I wonder, if you couldn’t email ( and get an answer back) or call ….how would you comfort yourself when the great anxieties set in? You don’t really have to answer, and maybe this is selfish to ask, but my t doesn’t want to get into emailing or calls…It is both inspirational and honestly, sometimes painful to read abt how good BN is…but I will keep reading!

Willow,
I totally understand why it would be painful to read about, I know how I feel sometimes reading about people who get hugs or are held during sessions. It is really important that a therapist place their boundaries such that they are comfortable having them there throughout the work with you. Some therapists have the capacity to maintain outside contact with clients, while some people’s self-care dictates more of a break. BN has told me a number of times that he is really comfortable setting his boundaries which is why he allows that kind of access (he ensures that his needs are met and doesn’t feel the pressure to give more than he has resources for). I have seen therapists provide outside contact for clients because they were trying to help but it wasn’t really comfortable, then they burn out and at best take away the contact, which can really damage the relationship or at worst, burn out and abandon a client. So although it is so painful to hear no about this, it is a good thing that your therapist can clearly set and hold a boundary with you. Have you talked to your T about how you feel about it? While I would not expect the boundary to change because of pressure from you, your T should be willing to discuss all your feelings around the boundaries and what your reactions teach you about yourself,

As for comfort without outside contact, I would recommend two strategies: transitional objects and keeping a therapy journal, You can ask your therapist for something from their office, anything really that has meaning for you, a pen, a book, a business card; ask for a hand-written note,. Anything that you can have with you in between sessions that provides physical tangible proof of the relationship. BN had a small chenille blanket in his office, I used a few times during some really intense sessions. I offered to buy a replacement so I could take the one in his office home and he agreed. There was a time that blanket went everywhere with me and I can still use it for comfort (family called me Linus 🙂 ) I have also given BN a counted cross stitch piece I made for him and a heart box that stay in his office. Remembering they are there can help me hang on to the relationship. I also found keeping a therapy journal really useful. Writing down what happened in a session that evening or the next day would provide a record. This was especially important for those sessions that were really attuned and where I felt very accepted and cared for. I was preserving my memory of times where I felt as well as cognitively knew, the relationship was real. So when things would feel shaky, I would go back and read about the good times in therapy, or times I had felt that way and worked through it in a session and gotten reassurance, or we repaired a disruption and that helped me gain a sense of BN being present and trustworthy.

It is also important to realize that the connection is intact, even when we can’t feel it, so trying to get a little distance between you and your distress and recognize that your feelings are not a good reflection of reality (this takes a little teeth-gritting at times but can help). It takes time and a lot of repetition to be able to hang onto our sense of the relationship (think of a parent leaving a two year old versus leaving a 15 year old), but it does start getting better eventually.

Wow! Thanks for your reply 🙂 you don’t have to reply again, but although I think your ideas are good, I’d be afraid to ask for anything because I think that might be unhealthy attachment ( for me) and I want to make sure I try not to do that….and yes, thank you…I will try to bring this up in talk… 🙂 I really enjoy your blog…

Now my T suddenly disappeared into sick leave (complications with twin pregnancy) and we didn’t have the opportunity to make any sort of plan for her absence, I’ve asked her for a picture of her, looking straight into the camera, so it feels like I can look into her eyes. She made this for me, with the webcam, on the night before she had to be admitted. It hurts to see her as she looks clearly wornout and anxious, but at the same time I’m very touched she understood my request and didn’t hide herself (e.g. by posing with a smile).
So Willow, maybe a picture can help you? Can you find something on the internet of your T. ? Remember, you are allowed to miss him!

AG–now you’re really making me think…maybe that’s why I’ve been so defensive with my T. I wonder if I do, indeed, want him to get mad at me so he will say “So long” and I’ll have a reason not to go back to therapy. Am I really doing this on purpose do you think? Your post was most excellent. It really got me thinking…

LJB,
If by “on purpose” you mean unconsciously, driven by your sense of what is dangerous in a realtionship, then yes. 🙂 Before I started to work with BN, I knew how badly I wanted to be able to allow someone to know me fully and know they would stay (I have a VERY deep-seated belief that anyone who sees the “true” me will leave), but I had no idea how deeply terrified I was to stand that close to someone. There were a few years of work during which I observed myself doing a very intricate dance of moving closer, then stepping back, then moving closer, then stepping back. I was honestly, impressed at my ability to come up with a fascinating array of “reasons” to move away. As you can see from this post, I still catch myself doing it. The truth is, that if we are hurt in relationship, then we must learn, over time and through repetition, that relationships and depending on them, are actually safe. I would encourage you to discuss these feelings with your therapist, if he has been watching this and is aware of the pattern, he might be able to offer you some insight. But be gentle with yourself, we have very good reason to distrust intimacy and closeness and it makes total sense that we need to learn how to move closer. AG

LJB, You are not alone! It. Took 2 years and a big old argument before I “gave in” and started trusting my T. It was painful, but worth it. Now I really get to practice things I didn’t get in childhood with him and then try to use it in the “real world”. He often “reframes” some of my past experiences as harmful to me and I am starting to rebuild my identity. It is never too late. AG probably has the most healing blog out there. As you can tell, she allows us to vicariously experience her therapy issues. That has helped me get up the courage to be more honest in therapy. Don’t give up!

Hug back Ann! This reminded me of one of my favorite lines from Anis Mojani’s Shake the Dust: “The spring than manages to show up after each and every winter.” There is also something so heartening in the spring to be reminded that life and hope come anew. xx AG

This is a super old post so I’m not sure you will see this. I am wondering how you find such a wonderful therapist?
I have a history of complex/attachment trauma. I am diagnosed as PTSD and my therapist says I have disorganized attachment.
I read your words and see myself. The longing, fear, doubt, everything. I have a therapist that I know is really trying. I’ve seen her twice per week for a year. I’m not able to tell her about my intense confusion or feelings. I know without a doubt she would run away and I would be left rejected once again.

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"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."
~ e.e. cummings